weekend open thread – April 17-18, 2021

by Alison Green on April 17, 2021

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand.

Here are the rules for the weekend posts.

Book recommendation of the week: Good Company, by Cynthia D’Aprix Sweeney. The discovery of a wedding ring that was long believed lost reveals secrets that unsettle a marriage and a friendship.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

You may also like:
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  1. Ask a Manager* Post author

    Hi all! A reminder that comments on the weekend threads should ask questions and/or seek to discuss ideas. Recommendations or an update or two on things you received advice about in the past are also fine. Comments on the cat photo are also welcome :) But no venting without a desire for advice and no “here’s an update on my life” personal-blog-style posts. (The full rules are here.) Thank you!

  2. Pamela Adams*

    The kitty crew! Last weekend’s book recommendation was great! I’ve now downloaded a whole collection from Project Gutenberg.

    1. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Yes the cats pic is great — I have to wonder if Alison is waving Kitty treats or catnip, they’re all that attentive.

      1. GoryDetails*

        To me the cats have that “well, it’s time for BREAKFAST, aren’t you going to FEED US???” look!

          1. Not a cat*

            Mine have been plotting a coup for years now. My (black) most ninja-ish one is working her assassination skills (tripping me at night when I try to go to the bathroom.) Look out Allison! :)

          3. Marion Ravenwood*

            This is definitely reminiscent of the “ye-es?” look my two cats used to give me when I’d come in the bathroom to find one of them sitting in the bath and the other on the edge. It always felt like I was interrupting a really important meeting somehow.

  3. amaira*

    Are there any veterinarians here?

    Both my cats have been sick and I’ve been to the vet clinic four times in the past month with follow-up appointments. The doctors and techs have always treated them well and always assure me that my kitties are very well-behaved.

    I’d like to give the employees at the clinic something to show my appreciation. Cupcakes? Cookies? Party platter from subway? A card with kitty paw prints on it? What would be best received in your experience?

    1. Gift idea*

      Not a vet, but maybe a gift card to somewhere nearby where they can get lunch, coffee, and/or treats? Gives them flexibility to use it when they need a pick-me-up and if there’s food restrictions, gives more flexibility.

    2. Friendship*

      My best friend is a vet and food gifts for the clinic are hugely appreciated. Pizza around lunch time, donuts in the morning, cupcakes in the afternoon. Starbucks gift cards never go unused either. Vets have some of the highest suicide rates in the country. They get just as excited about puppies and kittens as you do (on the rare appointments where they get to see healthy ones). A heartfelt card is likely to be CHERISHED and especially prized on the days when clients accuse you of not actually caring about animals/only being it for the money when they refuse to pay more than a couple hundred bucks to treat their (often very treatable!) pet. Putting largely healthy animals to sleep due to lack of money is devastating.

      1. Quiet Liberal*

        I wondered how vets take putting even sick and old pets down. Our now retired vet has helped us “say goodbye” to four pets over the last 20 years or so. He was always so kind, but stoic when administering the shot. I feel bad that we were so wrapped up in our sorrow that we didn’t consider what he and his tech were going through. What a sad part of their job. :(

        1. Sleepless*

          At the risk of sounding like a psychopath, it’s not incredibly hard. It’s peaceful, they can pass with dignity and not feel pain any more, and at least what I’m doing is straightforward and I’m not racking my brains trying to figure out what to do. The worst part of my job is definitely not the euthanasias. Sudden complications you weren’t expecting and awkward conversations about money are much worse.

          1. Sleepless*

            However, certain ones can get you right in the feels. Old men who are struggling not to cry get me every time. Or a pet that reminds me of my own pet. Or people who had a lot of trouble coming to the decision to euthanize.

          2. MissCoco*

            I still feel it was the kindest thing I did for my beautiful and best boy when I had to make the call last summer. I sent our vet a card, with a special thanks to the wonderful vet tech who worked with us that day.

        2. the cat's ass*

          I hear that. I’ve almost always adopted older rescue kitties with unknown health histories and a few with diabetes, PKD, etc, and it’s heart-breaking when all the love and care isn’t enough and it’s time to say goodbye. My Vet has some younger vets and one of them actually cried with me after helping my last little guy. I hope she felt better. I know i did. Thank you for some great ideas about treating the stellar people who keep my kitties healthy!

    3. I'd Rather Be Eating Dumplings*

      I know lots of people who work at clinics and giftcards or credit for nearby food/coffee spots tend to be big winners.

      A heartfelt card will always be well-received.

    4. Not Australian*

      I’d vote for cupcakes and/or fruit, depending on how many staff there are. You can send cupcakes through a number of online sites including Interflora.

    5. Chilipepper*

      I just asked the support staff at my vet what to give, they wanted fruit or healthy snacks so I sent an edible bouquet, but I sent a platter. They told me they loved it.

    6. Crazy cat lady*

      Animal professional here, albeit not an actual vet. Food will always go down well, especially sweet treats. I recommend a personalised card with a picture of your cats on it, they will be pleased to see them looking happy and healthy again. Obviously you must sign it from the cats, not yourself!

    7. AvonLady Barksdale*

      You can send a gift card from a pizza place. That’s what I did for our dog’s daycare when we moved. He “wrote” the card. That way they can order what they want and when they want to.

    8. Sleepless*

      We love sincere thank you notes too! I have notes that are over 25 years old that I still cherish.

      Also, I hate to say it, but good online reviews. I’m still smarting from a one-star review some yahoo left me a couple of weeks ago because he was mad that he had to wait, while I was stabilizing two extremely critical pets at the exact same time. Good reviews help push that junk further down the list.

      1. Wombats and Tequila*

        It’s hard because that one star has a disproportionate effect on your number. However, there are always haters, and people going over the reviews know that. In fact, if someone’s reviews are all “THIS PERSON IS LITERALLY AN INCORRUPTIBLE SAINT OF THE AGES” I assume they gamed the reviews somehow.

        Everyone with any damn sense knows how vet life is. Everybody ever has sat around a doctor’s office. If most of the reviews talk about how much you care, the one person who writes “Boo hoo, I had to wait,” that just reinforces what the others said and makes the reviewer look like a Karen or Kevin.

      2. Yellow Warbler*

        I put a generic good review for my vet. He went far out of his way for me, and I was afraid that explaining the details would make other people expect the same treatment as a matter of course. (He lives on the same property as the clinic. I knocked on his kitchen door, holding my seizing/dying cat in my arms, long after the office was closed for the night.)

        TL;DR: praise, but don’t throw them under the bus while doing so.

        1. Joan Rivers*

          THIS is when a great receptionist can make a difference. All s/he has to say is sorry for the wait, there’s an emergency, and they would do the same for you if it were your pet.

  4. Derivative Poster*

    Any resources for thinking/talking about socioeconomic class? Some people in my life (one relative in particular) say things about less affluent people that seem bigoted to me. I would know where to look for ideas about combating racial prejudice. I’m not sure what to do about addressing class prejudice. Does anyone know about organizations, books, etc. that might be helpful?

    1. Oui oui*

      Barbara Ehrenreich has written a number of books about socioeconomic class. From her Wikipedia page: “Ehrenreich is perhaps best known for her 2001 book Nickel and Dimed: On (Not) Getting By in America. A memoir of Ehrenreich’s three-month experiment surviving on minimum wage as a waitress, hotel maid, house cleaner, nursing-home aide, and Wal-Mart clerk, it was described by Newsweek magazine as “jarring” and “full of riveting grit,” and by The New Yorker as an “exposé” putting “human flesh on the bones of such abstractions as ‘living wage’ and ‘affordable housing’.”

      1. matcha123*

        I’m…not a fan of Nickled and Dimed. I read it soon after it came out. My family is low-income and I had high expectations, but she chose to follow a very specific group of low income people which weren’t at all representative of my family or other low income families I knew.

        More specific themes I took issue with:
        I think she changed her speaking style to “fit in.” I have a standard Upper Midwest accent, and I’ve never had other low income people distrust me because of my accent (dialect). Low income people were introduced as uneducated and child-like in many ways. Being low income doesn’t mean that you don’t care about education. It contributes to upper class/well-educated people thinking they can swoop in and “save” us. If you are low-income and educated then you are deemed as unworthy of assistance of any form.
        She didn’t even try to touch anything about race. I think she acknowledged that in the first chapter, and it’s probably best she didn’t, but as a woc, it was a frustrating read.

        Unfortunately I don’t have any other books to recommend instead of it. I was living the low income life and reading about how statistically I should have dropped out of school at 14 to have multiple babies wasn’t my cup of tea.

        1. llamaswithouthats*

          Thanks for this insight. I’m not sure if living as a poor person as a 3-month “experiment” would be representative of the actual experience of growing up poor.

          1. Pay No Attention To The Man Behind The Curtain*

            I think the part the most affluent people DON’T get is the mindset and habits that are set in childhood…even if a person manages to climb out of poverty, they still think the same way…one example is food is “supposed” to taste overly salty or fatty or have a certain texture.

          2. Pay No Attention To The Man Behind The Curtain*

            I agree. The psychological effects of poverty have an incredible impact on health, well-being, and choices that a 3-month experiment, with a guaranteed “opt-out” or expiration date aren’t going to be able to replicate.

          3. Finland*

            I’d much rather read books written by people who had to live through poverty than books written by people who like to try on other peoples lives as an experiment. It’s no different than someone being able to work an unpaid internship because they have lots of savings (or parental assistance or another job) that they can draw from. I have a little bit of understanding about why someone would want to write this book, but it’s just one in a long line of books that talk about people and for people (and sometimes talk over people), instead of talking to and with people. It’s another form of tokenization.

            1. Anna*

              I think the advantage of books like that is not in teaching people about what it’s like to live in poverty – it’s to deconstruct a specific myth about poverty, which is that “deserving” people aren’t poor. She came in with a PhD and was no better at “rising above the circumstances” than anyone else – she didn’t have a better work ethic or anything else.

              1. llamaswithouthats*

                This is a good point. Sometimes privileged people don’t believe something unless it’s explained by someone they relate to.

                1. Observer*

                  This is a fairly universal trait – people have a hard time accepting things that contradict the things they think they know unless it’s brought to them by people they trust and / or can relate to.

        2. ThatGirl*

          I think it’s a useful starting point, but it’s definitely limited in scope and somewhat dated by now.

      2. Observer*

        Ehrenreich’s book is limited. But it’s extremely useful as a starting point for discussion. Especially when talking to people who don’t understand things like the “poverty tax” (ie the fact that poor people often wind up paying more for things because of their poverty.)

        1. Old and Don’t Care*

          I agree. And I don’t think her book was intended to replicate the experience of growing up poor as to highlight some of the macro level issues that affect the lives of low income people.

        2. Jean (just Jean)*

          It was James Baldwin who wrote ““Anyone who has ever struggled with poverty knows how extremely expensive it is to be poor.”

          Source: https://www.nytimes.com/2011/06/25/opinion/25blow.html
          Alison, this was the best source I could find (I have not read James Baldwin, so I don’t have any of his books at home) but feel free to delete my remark. I’m not posting to be political, but Charles Blow is a New York Times editorial writer whose viewpoint is definitely not that of an American conservative.

    2. Texan In Exile*

      Not so much about advice but interesting background in these two books:

      Limbo: Blue-Collar Roots, White-Collar Dreams, by Alfred Lubrano
      A Framework for Understanding Poverty, by Ruby K. Payne

      PS If you figure it out, let me know, please, because I have not affluent but definitely racist relatives and I have not yet been able to convince them of anything.

      1. Derivative Poster*

        Thanks for the recommendations! I agree convincing relatives is a high bar. I’d settle for them making fewer comments that leave me stewing for days. And if I can change what they say around me, maybe that will have some small impact on their thinking.

        1. Texan In Exile*

          This might not be applicable to or possible for you, but I have an abundance of relatives and long ago reached, “Whatever I don’t care if I see you again” status.

          Over 20 years ago, in two separate instances, my dad’s two brothers each used the N word in front of me.

          These are men who live in a one-stoplight town in northern Wisconsin, where almost every single person is white.

          Both times, I said, “Uncle X, I don’t like that word. Please don’t use it around me.”

          They protested and I repeated: “Please don’t use that word around me.”

          (My two aunts jumped in on my side: “X, things have changed since we were young – we don’t say things like that anymore, etc.”)

          I don’t know what they say when I can’t hear them, but never once since then have I heard them say it.

          PS And to another commenter’s point – my dad left that town when he was 18 and never looked back. He joined the Coast Guard, then went to college on the GI Bill, then joined the air force. I never once in my life heard him say anything even vaguely racist. Leaving those monocultures does help.

      1. TiffIf*

        Oh Wow. I had not seen that one before–thank you for the link.

        Reading through it is interesting in a way because I recognize many (though not all) of the behaviors/situations described as my experiences growing up, but growing up I never thought of my family as poor–I knew we were definitely not rich but we had shelter and food (though sometimes it was Tuna Mac–tuna and macaroni and cheese are some of the cheapest things in most stores and to this day I HATE Tuna Mac). Reading this makes me wonder how close to the edge we were at times and my parents never let on to us kids.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          I feel you. My dad felt it was important to get fresh fruit into his kids. What’s the cheapest fruit option? Bananas. Actually, you know what’s even cheaper than bananas? OVERRIPE bananas, the ones that are only being sold with the intention that someone might want them for banana bread.

          I haven’t eaten a banana in twenty-eight years, and even just the smell of them still makes me gag. But the notion that the few cents a pound were that important at the time didn’t click until I was older.

      2. Derivative Poster*

        Thank you, this is so well-written. It reminds me of the research on the relationship between decision fatigue and poverty: how people with limited means have to weigh trade-offs constantly.

      3. Not playing your game anymore*

        So much truth here. When my folks got married they didn’t have furniture. They got lucky and their landlord gave them an old mattress that one of his other tenants left behind. By the time I came along they had a dresser with a spare drawer for me to sleep in. So yeah. In my memory we always had food, unlike when my folks were growing up and they regularly stole apples, potatoes etc., from the neighbors. Dad fished and hunted because we needed the meat. We always had a garden and grew more veggies than we could eat, one of the neighbors had chickens. Traded veggies for eggs. We bought the biggest box of cheap elbow macaroni there was in the store, so we always had something to eat. Neither of the ‘rents even made it to 8th grade, still yet to a diploma or degree. Helping feed the younger siblings (7 for each of them) was more urgent than “book learning” but amazingly enough it was crucial to them that I stay in school.

    4. matcha123*

      Socioeconomic class and race overlap in many ways, but it would be problematic to assume that someone is poor because they are black.
      My personal experience tells me that if someone thinks poor people need to work harder, they aren’t going to change their minds. I grew up very low income and I have been open about that with many of my friends. I’ve calmly explained the barriers to a higher income that my family faced, and the responses have been, “Well, you should have done this,” or, “But your parent is educated,” or “You could have just moved.” And these are responses from well-educated people who would call themselves liberal.

      We really believe that a person can pull themselves out of poverty with hard work. I have explained the many ways my family sacrificed and worked hard and people will still find ways to blame us. The wealthier only want to help one type of poor person: an extremely low-income woman who is uneducated and can be saved by getting a clothing donation from an upper middle class person. I have seen that same attitude amongst posters here. Most recently in a post from a month or so ago where a writer worried about her interviewee’s casual clothing. Commenters were quick to jump in and say that the person might be poor (because poor = uneducated) and when one commenter pointed out that she was poor and her family knew to dress well for interviews, others jumped on her to call her privileged and some wrote “so what.” There is no winning if you are poor and even liberal-minded people are quick to put down poor people that are trying.

      I’m sorry if that doesn’t answer your question, but I’ve found that when people think only one narrow version of poverty is deserving of help and sympathy, no amount of reading material, YouTube videos, or reasoning will change their minds.
      Poverty and race are different things, but overlap in many ways. If the person conflates the two, then…let them go. Unless they can interact with the targets of their ire in a positive way, they aren’t going to change.

        1. Derivative Poster*

          You’re right, that’s not what I intended to say; perhaps I was unclear. I’m talking about people who wouldn’t make a judgmental comment about someone else based on their race but see no problem making a similar comment based on class. As a society, we’ve had some discussion about how to call out people on racist language. I’m not as clear about effective ways to respond to classist language.

          1. matcha123*

            Okay, I see where I misread; I thought you said that the relative also said racist things. With that said, my reply still stands. I grew up low-income in a high-income city. High income and very liberal and the people around me absolutely hate the poor. They have read the books, they know the statistics, they know how hard it is and they don’t care. People won’t vote to create areas for low-income housing because their property values might fall or housing units would “ruin” the view.
            I commend your efforts to teach, but I don’t think there are any amounts of reading materials or YouTube videos that will get someone who already looks down on the poor to change their thinking. If highly-educated, liber-minded people in very liberal cities are loathe to help the poor in their own backyards, I don’t think someone who isn’t as open-minded would, either.

            1. Observer*

              If highly-educated, liber-minded people in very liberal cities are loathe to help the poor in their own backyards, I don’t think someone who isn’t as open-minded would, either.

              Well, your fundamental mistake is that you conflate these items with “open minded”. And it’s just not the case. Liberalism can be just as much of a straight-jacket and orthodoxy as conservatism.

              Also, empathy and perspective taking are not the the sole province of people like that. In fact this is the kind of environment that actually decreases that capacity. Because these are bubbles which make it easy to avoid being brought face to face with the reality of these statistics.

              1. Derivative Poster*

                Yeah, that’s the situation in a nutshell: relatives are mostly in affluent areas of a liberal coastal state, I live in what might be considered flyover country.

    5. Generic Name*

      My husband, who grew up well below poverty line, recommends the book “Rich Dad, Poor Dad”. Honestly though, at a certain point I think classism and racism are the result of a lack of empathy more than anything else.

      1. I'm not from here*

        “Honestly though, at a certain point I think classism and racism are the result of a lack of empathy more than anything else.”
        This really resonated with me. I think that may be in large part because people have trouble being able to imagine what they haven’t experienced… I’ve found that people who are well traveled, especially to other countries than their own, tend to be much more accepting and empathetic. Perhaps due to being an outsider on a small scale? It’s an interesting thought exercise to consider possible benefits of international travel as a curriculum requirement in a senior year of school.

        1. TL -*

          I think there’s a definite irony in suggesting required international travel on a thread about classism.

          1. I'm not from here*

            I thought of that right as I posted it, and you are quite right (and thank you for being succinct in your criticism ), but I left it because the thought exercise I had going on my head was not to have a plush vacation, but to perhaps participate in a volunteer trip that offers exposure to other cultures and ways of living while helping in various ways. I can see that I obviously did not explain that well. My apologies.

            1. HannahS*

              I think it’s an interesting idea, but I wonder more about volunteering with inequity closer by–why is it that most wealthier high school students would rather volunteer in South America, South Asia, or Africa rather than, say, in an under-resourced school in their own city? (I mean I have some ideas related to colonialism, white saviour complexes, and the distinctions between “deserving” and “undeserving poor.”) There’s deep, complex, generational poverty right much closer to us.

              1. SoloKid*

                Likely views passed down from their parents. So many people move house looking “for a place with good schools”. That phrase always screams “I can’t be bothered to help make my own community better” and that’s a message that gets passed on to kids.

                I grew up in a poor city where my single mom couldn’t make that choice. I wonder if she would have if she had the means. She did spend time at the local food banks (volunteering and being a recipient) before and after I was born and I think that experience enriched both of us.

                1. Observer*

                  That phrase always screams “I can’t be bothered to help make my own community better” and that’s a message that gets passed on to kids.

                  That’s just not true. I mean, sure, there are parents like that. But if you’ve ever tried to tangle with the public schools systems in many areas, you will understand why a lot of people simply don’t believe that they CAN change their schools. And, in fact that’s very often the case.

        2. Deets*

          I’m not saying empathy isn’t a factor but personally I’ll take compassion and support (which don’t have to require empathy) over empathy any day.

          1. SoloKid*

            +1. I’m reminded of a meme going around that says “The X coast is KIND when they tell you they’re SOO sorry your tire is flat and that they understand how hard that sounds. Then they walk away. The Y coast is NICE in that they’ll call you a stupid idiot for driving over the curb, but they’ll help you change the tire.”

      2. Derivative Poster*

        Thanks! I’m inclined to agree on the empathy question. The person whose comments bother me most actually grew up in a family that probably would be considered working class. However, this person was also born in a time and place in which achieving upward mobility was easier (for white people, anyway) than it is today. So maybe they think others should be able to follow in their footsteps but, as Elizabeth Warren has pointed out, you could pay $50/semester for in-state college tuition back then.

      3. Blackcat*

        “I think classism and racism are the result of a lack of empathy more than anything else.”

        One phrase that’s stuck with me through the pandemic is “I don’t know how to teach people that they should care about other people.” Like, I just take it as a given that I should care about other people, you know? And that some people don’t is just completely baffling to me and antithetical to my world view.

    6. Pay No Attention To The Man Behind The Curtain*

      I can’t reccomend a specific book, but I’ve had some limited success with class prejudices when i narrow it down to one specific topic at a time…like food insecurity and “poor” dietary choices/food deserts and economics of food — ie. less expensive food is low in nutrition but tends to be more shelf stable (preservatives) so it lasts longer, etc. A discussion about Class is overwhelming, but you could take a…bite sized…approach.

    7. Chaordic One*

      One recent book that I found very informative and interesting is, “Caste: The Origins of Our Discontents,” by Isabel Wilkerson. She does a good job of including racism as an aspect of social class in the U.S.

      I think the Barbara Eherenreich books are good and informative, but a bit limited in the scope and perspective.

      Although it is older than dirt (first published in 1983) and a bit dated, “Class: A Guide Through the America Status System,” by Paul Fussell mostly holds up, although it is more filled with witty and wry observations (which makes it a fun read) than with any meaningful prescriptions about ending inequality.

    8. lemon meringue*

      This is kind of niche one because it’s focused on my home province (British Columbia), but I thought Andrew MacLeod’s A Better Place on Earth was really effective at showing how economic inequality has its roots in public policy and the many ways in which that plays out. He does reveal some fairly universal dynamics, although the particulars are mostly focused on the province.

      1. Derivative Poster*

        Oh no, you’re ruining my vision of Canada as a more equitable sanctuary to our north! (I’m joking… mostly.) I’m intrigued by the local focus: often a very specific example is the best way to highlight a universal phenomenon. Thanks for the recommendation!

      2. Woodworker*

        This sounds very interesting and I just checked it out at the library! (I’m in Ontario and am interested in seeing if there’s overlap for what we could fix here, as well).

    9. Qwerty*

      “And Still We Rise” is a book I read in high school that really stuck with me. It’s intersectional and is about both race and socioeconomic status since the two are often intertwined. The author follows a group of smart high school students dealing with a massively underfunded inner city school. It really underscored for me how important school and good support networks are for kids and how much that determines what we have access to as adults.

      I also recommend a thought exercise where you really look around and think about what minimum requirements are for living in your area or in the nearest city. When I moved from a Big City with safe neighborhoods in most price ranges and a ton of public transit to a Medium College Town (~100k pop), I was shocked at how much the upfront cost was – rents were the same as Big City despite the apartments being much lower quality, it was impossible to get by without your own car, public transit was a joke so minimum wage workers were either losing a decent percent of wages on parking or tripling their commute by taking the bus. I’m now in a Medium City and as much as I dislike having to pay a city income tax, I love that my city is using it to build better public transit between jobs and lower income neighborhoods.

      1. Derivative Poster*

        So true on the importance of your high school environment! I’ve been struck in recent years by how the way people grow up determines what they think is possible career-wise. I know some people whose horizons were much narrower than mine. OTOH, I’ve only recently realized that I never seriously considered certain careers as a teenager because they seemed about as realistic as becoming a princess. Thanks for your recommendation!

    10. Pay No Attention To The Man Behind The Curtain*

      If i end up with double posts my apologies…i think the internet ate my first one.

      You might have more success breaking the subject of Class and stereotypes/prejudices up into smaller topics: food (insecurity, deserts, psychology…), healthcare (access and disparities), jobs, housing, etc. Using “poor” food as an example — less expensive food is low in nutrition but high in fat and calories because of fats/salt/preservatives, but it stores longer than fresh food. For food insecure people, eating food RIGHT NOW is more important than taking a smaller portion and saving it for later…because later it’ll be gone or spoiled… or food deserts where healthy options just aren’t available at all. The psychological effects of food you grow up with as a child — salty/fatty/mushy….believing that’s what food is SUPPOSED to taste like, etc.

    12. SleepyHollowGirl*

      It’s not exactly what you’re looking for, but I found _Poor Economics_ by Abhijit V. Banerjee and Esther Duflo really informative.

      It’s mostly not about people in the US, which is why I say it’s not what you’re looking for, but it’s about why poor people make the choices they do. It looks at a number of different things where poor people are making different decisions than non-poor people think they should, and explains why those choices are made. And it basically concludes that the choices poor people are making are reasonable.

      1. Derivative Poster*

        Interesting! I remembered reading about their work when they won the Nobel Prize. (Then I read that she was his grad student before they married and was horrified. I can imagine the letter his other students could have sent to AAM.) One of our recent arguments centered on this: people are making the best decisions they can with the information they have. If you don’t have the same information, how can you pass judgment on their decisions?

    13. PrincessB*

      Linda Tirado’s Hand to Mouth does a very good job covering this topic. And she avoids the issues with Nickled and Dimed because she is writing about her lived experience, not an experiment.

  5. Bob*

    Alison must have expertise in cat herding, having five cats look into the camera at the same time is either skill or very good luck.

      1. FlyingAce*

        LOL… A couple of coworkers and I (all at supervisor level) had a Whatsapp group that at one time was called “Cat Herders”.

    3. tangerineRose*

      The cats are so cute! I like that they hang out together even when they met as adults.

      1. Queer Earthling*

        Depends on your cat! One of my cats absolutely adores treats (which is great because he needs a pill twice a day, so we put it in a Greenie pocket) and will come running if he thinks he’s getting one. The other one doesn’t understand that treats are food. He does not come running if you shake them, and if you give him one, he sniffs it with interest, purrs at you in gratitude, and then…wanders off. The only things he thinks are food are kibble in his bowl, one (1) kind of wet food, and for some reason raw spaghetti noodles. And possibly tape.

    5. All Hail Queen Sally*

      I had four cats together for 15 years (the age of the youngest when the oldest died) and I was only ever able to get all four in the same photo twice. Once they were all sitting on furniture close to each other and when I backed up against the wall I could get them all in the same shot. The other time, three were curled up together on the couch at one end and one other sitting by herself on the other end. (Perhaps they had a falling out?)

  6. Scc@rlettNZ*

    I’m looking for podcast recommendations. I skew towards true crime but I prefer shows that do a deep dive into one particular case, as opposed to a different one each week (although I do really like Red Handed).

    Podcasts I’ve particularly enjoyed (I feel that’s not quite the right word to use given the nature of the podcasts) are:

    The Root of Evil
    Missing & Murdered: Finding Cleo
    Cold
    Beenham Valley Road
    Who Killed Leanne Holland?
    Down The Hill
    The Home Babies
    And one I can’t recall the name of but it was about the rescue of the young Thai soccer team from a flooded cave.

    Hit me with your favourites :-)

    1. KR*

      Bearbrook! Also the Atlanta Child Monster. The Parcast series on Serial Killers is entertaining too.

    2. Not Australian*

      Oh, so many! Try these:

      The Orange Tree
      Culpable
      CounterClock
      Missing in Alaska
      Root of Evil
      LISK: Long Island Serial Killer
      Someone Knows Something
      In The Dark
      Hunting Warhead
      Chasing Cosby
      and seconding Bear Brook.

      Also, there are a few on BBC Sounds which should be available worldwide. There’s a great one about Isdal Woman, another called Shreds, and a small number of others.

      1. Not Australian*

        Sorry, reading comprehension fail – you already had ‘Root of Evil’ on your list!

      3. Medea*

        I found both seasons of CounterClock well-researched. It’s more investigative journalism than what’s nowadays often referred to as true crime (storytelling). The third season’s coming soon.

    3. Retail Not Retail*

      I like Small Town Murder because of the deep, deep dive they do, but it is case of the week vs season long. Each episode is over 2 hours long and at least a quarter of that is dedicated to the town itself.

      However. Huge caveat – it’s a comedy podcast and that is not everyone’s thing!

      Running from Cops was a limited run about the shows Live PD and Cops and people’s experiences with them. American Rehab is also tangentially true crime (I know some of the interviewees) about rehabs exploiting their “clients” with work treatment.

      1. ALM2019*

        +1 for Small Town Murder and that is a very important caveat. You have to be okay with their brand of humor.

      2. Sc@rlettNZ*

        I’ve listened to a couple of episodes of Small Town Murder (and I did appreciate their humour!) I must go back to it. Thanks for the other suggestion.

    4. Sunshine*

      Your own backyard.
      You’re wrong about has some interesting topics.
      Criminal.

      Also there is a fb group called the ny times podcast club. I have gotten great ideas there.

    5. CTT*

      I am a big advocate of The Breakdown, which is produced by the Atlanta Journal Constitution. I had to take a break from true crime podcasts for a while because I ran into so many that by people who really didn’t know what they were doing, but this one has (appropriately) so much journalistic rigor behind it. They sometimes cover a case while it’s in progress, so the updates aren’t consistent, but there’s a substantial archive. I especially enjoyed the Tex McIver season, and the season that involved the paper’s EIC as a juror.

      1. Pregnant during COVID*

        I’m listening to Your Own Backyard now, it’s great.
        Lost Hills – also mid way through this currently
        To Live and Die in LA – excellent excellent reporting
        Chameleon: Hollywood Con Queen – really enjoyed this one
        Morbid – I enjoy the banter of the two hosts and how they cover cases. They deep dive into a different case each episode
        Culpable
        Up & Vanished (of course!)

        1. Holly the spa pro*

          +1 to Morbid. I dont even really like podcasts that much but i love listening to those ladies gobin on a case.

    7. Wordnerd*

      Elaborating on Sunshine’s recommendation of You’re Wrong About. Largely a week-by-week on different historical events that are generally misremembered, but throughout they’re doing a VERY detailed history of the OJ Simpson trial.

      2. Velvet*

        A Twitter fan tweeted something like, “ It’s 2045, You’re Wrong About is exploring system problems from 2010 and are up to day 3 of the OJ trial?” Lol.

    11. Forensic13*

      Oh, In the Dark! That’s exactly what they do. It’s so well done I use it to teach a course.

      2. MCL*

        In the Dark is excellent, and really deep-dives into some very important cases and exploring a lot of their implications and impacts. Criminal (and its sister podcast, This is Love) is also fantastic. I tend to like the podcasts with more journalistic production qualities, than the “gossiping about crime” types (like My Favorite Murder), though everyone has their own things they like.

  7. tangerineRose*

    Today, at 2 different times (and 2 different people), I saw someone in a car, holding a lit cigarette out of the window. I know nicotine is very addictive, and smokers frequently don’t want to get smoke in their car, but neither of them actually seemed to be actually smoking, just polluting the air with that awful cigarette smell so that passersby like me had to smell it.

    What’s up with that? My best guess is that the smoker is trying smoke while sort of cutting down on smoking by doing this and hasn’t thought that others nearby don’t want to breathe this stuff.

    1. Not Australian*

      One of the reasons I love the whole mask-wearing thing at the moment is that people no longer stand around in groups outside supermarkets etc. smoking and creating a cloud that other customers have to walk through to do their shopping.

    2. ex-smoker anon*

      Why were you walking so close to their cars that you could smell the smoke? Because honestly, even with the wind blowing, you’d have to be pretty close to smell it for the amount of smoke you get from one cigarette. And if you did smell some, it wouldn’t be that much–especially outdoors and I’m assuming they were outdoors, seeing as they were in cars.

      I used to do this when I’d smoke in my car. Smokers don’t constantly pull on their cigarettes, you know. It’s not smoke/stop, smoke/stop til it’s done. If it was nice weather, they were probably relaxing whilst smoking–and the bottom of the window opening makes a nice arm rest and/or they were flicking their ash outside. Also, doing what you describe isn’t really a way to cut down on smoking. You do that by smoking fewer cigarettes (not saying no one has ever done it this way but yeah….)

      1. Ariaflame*

        Some places that’s illegal. Not so much the smoking as the ‘limbs out of car windows’ bit. Though if they flick embers out onto dry grass that’s a separate thing.

      2. Quandong*

        well I mean I can smell cigarette smoke from quite a distance, and assume I’m not alone in that. And I get headaches every time, unfortunately.

        TangerineRose would not need to be right up next to the cigarette to smell it.

      3. Lou*

        You just have to walk past the car in a carpark, that is enough to smell it. I don’t understand why you think that is too close.

        1. Enough*

          The RA one year at college was a big smoker and never opened her window. You could smell it in the hall with the door closed. It was terrible. And I had percents that smoked.

      4. WellRed*

        This is your takeaway? That Tangerine was walking too close? Tangerine, I always figure smokers don’t like the stench any better than the rest of us so hold it out the car window.

      5. Laura Petrie*

        When we had to drive to work, we hated getting stuck in traffic behind the car of a smoker. We’d smell it in our car and it was extremely unpleasant.

        I hate the smell of smoke, even outside. It really lingers in the air.

        1. fposte*

          Yeah, it’s fortunately much rarer than it used to be, but the scent is strong and it really does travel more than smokers tend to realize.

      6. JustEm*

        I think you are underestimating how far smoke travels. I can have issues being within 50 feet of someone smoking outside. If there’s a moderate amount of smoke it will severely trigger my asthma, and a smaller dose will trigger migraines.

        1. KoiFeeder*

          Yeah, I’m allergic to nightshades and this is my experience too. Honestly, sometimes they don’t even need to be smoking- being too close to someone who has enough allergen built up on their clothes/skin/hair will set me off.

      7. matcha123*

        I’ve smelled people’s smoke from over 40 feet away. I don’t know why you would think that smoke stench dissipates into nothing inches from the smoker. The smoke smell travels quite far. Perhaps it doesn’t smell as strongly because you are all up in it, but it does travel.
        I honestly dgaf about smokers’ feelings or their “freedom” to smoke. I’d like to be able to live in my apartment without someone stepping out every hour for a smoke.

      8. tangerineRose*

        In one case, I was at a stoplight, and the smoker was in a car in the other lane – the passenger was smoking. So I didn’t have a lot of choice in the matter.

        In the other case, I was probably about 10 feet away. When I walked back to my car, there was a smoker in his car nearby.

        It was nice weather.

      9. RagingADHD*

        Smokers (even ex-smokers) tend to radically underestimate how strongly it smells to non-smolers.

        This is true of both tobacco and weed.

    3. Asenath*

      Usually, in my experience, such actions are carried out to cut down on the amount of smoke inhaled by others in the car – the smoke outside gets diluted much more quickly, so it’s not as much of a problem. I’ve never been a smoker, but I’ve known smokers, and watched the smoking practices of a lot more, probably precisely because the smell annoys me.

      1. The cat's pajamas*

        At least it’s not pot smoke, its legal where I live and they don’t enforce the public smoking ban… it lingers worse than cigarette smoke, and is way stronger than the kind I remember smelling occasionally at concerts growing up. There’s a skunky kind too, it’s soooo gross!

        Some cars have a button to not circulate in outside air that can help for both kinds of smoke, but you have to catch it before it gets in your car too much or you just trap it in your car more.

    4. Courageous cat*

      Well, you don’t have the cigarette to your lips the whole time you smoke – you gotta wait in between puffs a bit.

    5. ....*

      I don’t smoke but I thought this was standard practice. I would assume they don’t want to smoke right into their car interior which is why they also blow smoke out the window.

    6. Girasol*

      Around here in wildfire country people do that so that they can flick the ashes outside instead of in an ashtray that would have to be cleaned. Then when they’re done they flip the glowing butt out the car window to land where it may. I’m still wondering what’s up with that.

      1. Windchime*

        Do cars even have built-in ashtrays anymore? I know mine has a place for a lighter but I don’t think it has an ashtray. The lighter hole is where I plug in my phone adapter, so I don’t think the car even came with a proper lighter.

        1. Chaordic One*

          Many new cars don’t seem to have them anymore, and in the few that do, they are an extra-cost option. Most of the ashtrays that I see, either from the auto manufacturer or from the aftermarket, are designed to fit into the car’s cup-holder. The ones from the manufacturer seem horribly over-priced although they probably fit better.

        2. Natalie*

          Cars haven’t come with ashtrays or lighters standard for a couple of decades at this point.

  8. KR*

    In my experience it’s mostly just so the smoke doesn’t get in the car as much, and so the ash doesn’t fall in the car. Or to cut down on the odor on their clothes/passengers. I agree cigarettes are pretty yucky overall IMO.

    2. tangerineRose*

      That makes sense. Thanks. I feel irritated when this happens because they’re managing to pollute my airspace, but I don’t suppose people always think about that, and I get the impression that smokers don’t always realize how awful that stuff smells.

      1. Mourning reader*

        I’m not sure this is a universal opinion. I’m not a smoker but I enjoy an occasional whiff of tobacco outdoors. It’s old stale smoke that smells disgusting to me, for instance a car in which somebody smokes with the window closed.
        Allergies and reactions vary quite a bit too. I’m affected by cigarette smoke, back when it was allowed in bars I would always be sick for a couple of days if I’d been out somewhere smoky. But passing a bit of smoke outside has not been a problem. Same with dog allergy; I wouldn’t be able to spend much time with a dog indoors but I’ve never been affected just walking past one.
        In short, no, smokers are not thinking about how they affect you. If they are smoking outside, they think they are in the clear. And mostly, they are.

        1. BubbleTea*

          Pipe tobacco and cigarettes have very different smells, I can tolerate the former but dislike the latter. I think different brands must smell different too but haven’t ever really known what brand I was smelling.

          1. Seeking Second Childhood*

            Me too, only I’ve never heard anyone else say that. I kind of like the smell of pipe tobacco smoke. I also like the smell of unburned tobacco. But burning cigars & cigarettes turn my stomach.
            Only machine-rolled cigarettes trigger my migraines, so I suspect the wrappers & adhesive.

        2. Texan In Exile*

          I’m with you, Mourning reader. I’m not a smoker. I hate stale smoke. I don’t want to be by someone smoking indoors.

          But wow does fresh smoke outdoors smell good to me. That’s when I have a smidgen of understanding of the appeal of smoking.

        3. Queer Earthling*

          Same on many levels. Stale smoke is super gross, and I do get sneezy and miserable if I’m around fresh smoke much, but I like the smell of a fresh cigarette. My mom smoked when I was little and I used to love sitting with her on the apartment steps while she smoked, which might be why it’s a pleasant smell to me.

          (Also at least once I’ve walked by a pipe smoker and somewhat-seriously considered circling back to just sit near them for a while, because pipe tobacco smells amazing.)

          1. Sleeping Late Every Day*

            My grandfather died almost forty years ago. One of the things I grabbed when my parents and aunt were getting his things ready to sell was his pipe. I can still faintly smell it if I stick my nose right up to the bowl. It brings back lovely memories.

        4. Coenobita*

          Just adding myself to the anecdata here as another person who thinks stale smoke is super gross but that fresh cigarette smoke outdoors is actually quite pleasant. In my opinion it is way, way better than weed smoke or flavored vape smoke.

          I read something once about smell perception/scent preferences that basically ranked smells on a spectrum of “almost everyone agrees this is bad” (like sewage) to “almost everyone agrees this is good” (like vanilla). There are some smells that are smack-dab in the middle and apparently there’s some interesting genetics and nature-vs-nurture research about who likes what and how strongly. For example, I love the smell of chlorine and hate gasoline, but plenty of people are the opposite.

          1. Texan In Exile*

            Chlorine means I am by a swimming pool which stands for S which stands for Summer! I love the smell of chlorine!

        5. Courageous cat*

          Agreed. I adore the scent of tobacco. I don’t think demonizing smokers all the time is always the right move

      2. KR*

        Surprisingly, when you smoke cigarettes, it doesn’t smell as awful. It usually takes a couple weeks after you quit for the smell of cigarettes to smell bad to the ex-smoker. Then they usually realize how gross everything smelled. That’s around the time they’ll notice how everything is stained with nicotine too. I also feel irritated when cigarette smoke pollutes my airspace and I’m a social smoker at times, so I don’t blame you.

  9. Marzipan*

    Anyone else trying to move house at the moment?

    I’m trying to get somewhere bigger so my dad can continue coming to visit regularly after the Marzipan Baby moves into his own room (something I’ve been avoiding doing partly for this exact reason and partly because I also don’t have anywhere to put all the stuff in the spare room at that point).

    Where I am the market is pretty frantic. I found a buyer for my flat really quickly (sold in a week!), and managed to find somewhere to move to as well – I was expecting to have to move right out of the city I’m in to a nearby town in order to get something on my budget but I managed to find somewhere here, albeit right on the outskirts. It’s slightly odd in that it’s built into the side of a hill so you get to the garden via the top floor of the house, and then the garden has steps and steps and steps all the way up to a deck at the top where you can see for miles. The bedrooms are small but it has a couple of extra rooms downstairs (they’ve converted an integrated garage into more living space) so I’ll have room for a study and a sort of utility/store room, which I think balances it out. I just heard that my seller has also now found somewhere to move to, and their seller is apparently willing to complete the chain so it all seems to be progressing.

    Hope anyone else working on a move isn’t too stressed by it all!

    1. Still*

      I don’t have anything to share except for: that garden /deck arrangement sounds DELIGHTFUL, I hope it’s as beautiful as I imagine!

      1. Marzipan*

        You can see alllllllmost all the way to the sea from it. My family stayed in a holiday rental a mile or so away a couple of years ago and I remember thinking how amazing to would be at New Year when everyone sets fireworks off simultaneously, so if all goes well then that’s my New Year plan!

    2. A Simple Narwhal*

      I moved in September, and even though it was definitely our “easiest” move (we had to stay with my parents for two weeks in between the closings so we got a storage locker – it let us put all of our boxes away as we packed them, meaning our house slowly emptied rather than filled up with boxes, it was amazing), it was still exhausting, stressful, and a pain.

      If you can, I highly recommend taking time off around the move. We also sent our dog to stay at my parents a few days early so she wouldn’t be underfoot and we wouldn’t have to worry about her. (You mentioned a baby so I’m not sure how viable this option would be.) Taking a day or two off before let us wrap up anything we needed to without having to scramble, taking a few days off after the move let us relax a little after the initial chaos. Moving is going to be stressful no matter what, so be sure to give yourself some down time if you can.

      Congrats on the new place, I hope everything goes smoothly!

      1. Windchime*

        I second the motion to take some time off. I moved in October and only could take 3 days off work. It was so, so hard and stressfull. Not only did I have to get moved, but I had to put my other house on the market from afar and also get my home office set up in this one so I could be ready to work on Monday morning.

        I hate moving and hope I don’t have to do it again for a very, very, very long time.

      2. Marzipan*

        Thanks for the tips! Assuming it all eventually goes ahead I am planning for the cat to go to a cattery for a couple of nights, the baby to spend the day at nursery, and I’m going to splurge and pay for the movers to pack so I don’t have to.

        1. Dwight Schrute*

          Definitely splurge for the movers to pack. We moved in July and we paid for movers to do the boxes and furniture but we spent about two weeks packing everything up ourselves and it was such a pain.

    3. ecnaseener*

      Congrats on the new place, it sounds like a good find!
      I’m apartment hunting for a move in the summer. Yesterday I toured a nice big studio in the city that I’d *never* be able to afford in normal times (rents are waaay down in the city bc covid). I sort of feel like I should seize this chance to be in the thick of what will hopefully be a vibrant, energized post-covid scene. But even with the lower than usual price, I can get a nice one-bed for a little less money just across the river in the (still-urban) suburbs. So I’m a little torn. (Honestly it’s a splurge either way, but I’ll be working from home at least part of the time and I’m SO sick of not having the proper space to do that, so I’ve made peace with a splurge.)

    4. HannahS*

      We’re trying to move rental apartments and it’s so hard to find a place! The landlords keep trying to get us to sign extra provisions that contradict the law, or try to skirt around it. It’s pretty frustrating.

      1. AGD*

        As I recall, we’re in the same city – I realized a bit after-the-fact that the most recent place I moved out of probably hadn’t even been legally approved for tenancy. Just luck that nothing catastrophic happened while I was living there!

    5. fposte*

      The market is really hot here too; the signs go from “Coming soon” to “Sold” with seemingly no interval. But you’re making me nostalgic for my San Francisco apartment, which was a building like the one you describe. I had the bottom/basement flat, which was on the second floor in the front.

    6. Drtheliz*

      I’m moving TODAY! It’s theoretically very exciting, but in practice I’m emotionally exhausted, not physically tired but my back hurts, and feel very guilty because my lovely husband is doing 80% of the work. I want to help, but at 18 weeks pregnant (and well “popped”) I have *got* to be careful and stop if I start hurting.

      1. Drtheliz*

        Update: we got it all done! (Thanks, moving van guy, for getting the washing machine into the basement.) We got pizza delivered and are winding down in bed.

        I’m getting excited about unpacking… :D

      2. Drtheliz*

        (Sorry, hit post too soon!) Deck question: the back door of New House is down half a flight of stairs into the cellar. Meanwhile the garage has a little pergola with a concrete floor. Should I go for a deck right off the house (but with stairs) or at the back of the garden?

        1. Marzipan*

          I’m glad your move went well! I’d suggest you live with the space for a little while before you make a decision about where you want the deck. Pay attention to where the sun goes at different times of day and think about what would work best for you in that respect.

          Enjoy your new home :-)

    7. Coco*

      We are closing in 2 weeks. The buyers are renting back for a bit so will be a while before we move in.

      We are also in a super hot market and are overpaying – the appraisal came in less than purchase price. It’s not surprising but giving me a bit of an anxious feeling. Keep looking at other homes and thinking ‘maybe we should have gone for that one’. I do think we ultimately made the right choice in buying this home. But if anyone knows how to get rid of feelings of buyers remorse I’d welcome the suggestions.

      1. Jackalope*

        I too bought a house recently in a hot market at a price that was higher than the appraisal. A few things that have helped me: one is that due to the market, I don’t think we could have found something cheaper that was still in a condition we were okay with (we aren’t handy, so a fixer upper is not going to work for us). The cost was similar to what other houses are going for right now, and they’ve been increasing steadily in our neck of the woods for awhile so they probably aren’t going to go down too much at this point. Secondly, being underwater (which we knew could be a possible outcome) is only a big deal if one is trying to sell. We are planning to be here for awhile, if not forever, so we can outwait the market.

        Another thing that has been helpful (which might take a little while for youall if you don’t move in for a bit) is focusing on things we like about the house or are excited about. For example, I’ve wanted to have a proper garden for years; I used to live with some friends who let me play in their garden and plant a few things here and there, but it was still THEIR garden and I didn’t get to do as much as I would have liked (although being honest here, I’m sure I could have done more had I wanted to and had the desire to put in the labor). My housemate and I have spent the last month or two going to nurseries all the time and buying lots of plants to remake the garden (which has been a rental for awhile, so the yard has all sorts of random bits and pieces that other people have planted here and there). We are going to keep anything (besides grass) that is truly happy and well-established, but have added a LOT (tonight we planted 19 new plants [although 10 of those were marigolds, which are easy…. On the other hand, one was a cherry tree, which took a lot more digging!]) and are excited about how the yard is taking shape.

        Another thing I’m looking at is painting. I’m tired of white rental walls, and want to make things more colorful. That hasn’t started yet other than getting paint swatches, but I’m looking forward to how it will look once it’s done.

        Don’t know if that helps or not, but that’s what I’ve been doing to stave off buyer’s remorse.

        1. Jackalope*

          Also, exciting news that I partially alluded to is that we have planted THREE cherry trees. Either we or the birds will get to enjoy a lot of cherries!

      2. Marzipan*

        I think other property listings always look enticing because… well, they’re supposed to look enticing. While you’re busy looking they’re basically a fantasy, and you don’t have to really engage with any of the messy realities that almost certainly exist with those properties as well. If you were buying one of those houses you’d almost certainty feel the same about it, it’s really normal. Can you bring yourself to stop looking? (She says, while she still checks Rightmove every day…)

      3. Drtheliz*

        Oh, I totally get you on the buyer’s remorse – that deep fear that you’ve messed up and got a lemon. I found that I felt bad for a few weeks after “pulling the lever” but then as I made plans for the space started feeling much better. (We’re gonna redo the floor, and the garden, and we’re gonna have a separate office and living room…)

    8. KR*

      We just moved to Hawaii from the southwest so I feel the moving pains. Luckily the military moved us so that took care of a lot of the pains, but it was still an incredibly stressful experience (and very expensive). We want to buy a house eventually when we get orders out of Hawaii, but we’re hoping the market slows down because it feels like we’ll never be able to afford a house at this rate.

    9. Skeeder Jones*

      I’m working on a move to another state but I’m still waiting for full approval from my work. We operate in the new state and I’ve been a telecommuter for over 3 years. Our whole team works from home and so it shouldn’t be an issue but you never know. I’m hoping to get an answer in the next week. My current lease is up at the end of June so it’s not like I have tons of time to get this figured out.
      I do know that I don’t want to move before June 1st which means it’s not necessary for me to start house hunting (I’m a renter) until after May 1st as most of what is on the market now is for a May 1st move in. I’ve been looking at listings to validate that the area has properties that will work for me. I’m currently in a studio and with a permanent office area, craft area and a cat, I just can’t live here anymore, it’s driving me crazy. There are a whole mess of reasons why I’m moving to another state but being able to get more for my money is definitely a strong motivator. It looks like I’ll be able to rent a 2 bedroom house in the new city so I’m excited about that. But as I’m doing this validation, I’m getting “property crushes” and it’s hard to keep myself from just pulling the trigger and paying for a month I don’t need.
      Anyway, I don’t have to know exactly where or when I’m moving in order to start packing. But being in a studio, there’s not a lot of space to put the packed boxes so I’m renting a storage unit for a month or two to help out with that.
      Sounds like I’m not the only one going through a moving journey right now!

    10. Marion Ravenwood*

      Congratulations! The new place sounds lovely. And I hope your move is as stress-free as possible!

  10. Friendship*

    Friendship question.

    Has anyone here had to gently tell a friend that they’re… a bit overwhelming (think 80:20 conversation split, more when my introvert brain just shuts down)? On a recent six hour car ride, they chatted the. whole. time.

    I suspect the answer here is some combination of “use your words” and “maybe it’s you” but I can’t quite wrap my arms around it.

    I’m a recovering people pleaser who struggles with conflict. Normally I don’t mind listening for a bit but the sheer volume of information being shared in a one way format is overwhelming, especially with so many details. Picture someone telling you about the book they’re reading. But trying to give ALL the backstory and plot and character explanations instead of a typical quick summary or specific highlight. This person would be mortified to hear that they’ve caused distress and has a variety or life circumstances that make me want to be extra gentle.

    The one thing I had success with was an actual conversation list of questions that helped ensure there was interesting dialogue that I had a chance to participate in but that doesn’t address the broader pattern.

    If this was a colleague or stranger it would be simple to leave the conversation. But how do you support a friend who has really intense social needs right now (see: solo parenting and educating small children with special needs during a pandemic) while also practicing your own self care to conserve energy?

    1. Not A Manager*

      Do you want more balance and reciprocity in mutual conversations, or do you want more silence/less detail in their conversation?

      If you want to talk 50/50 (which means you’d be talking for 3 hours of that car ride), then I think you can have a brief, big-picture conversation. “Hey Friend, I know you don’t realize it, but sometime when we hang out you don’t leave a lot of room for any back-and-forth. I’d like our conversations to be more two-sided.” It might sting for a moment, but there’s a clear action item there.

      If you want more silence/less detail, I think you might be better off addressing it in the moment. Certain on a long car ride! “I can’t carry on a conversation for an entire six hour car ride. Let’s put on a podcast/some music and just chill for a an hour,” is perfectly reasonable. It’s a bit trickier to ask someone to cut to the chase when they are getting long-winded, but it’s possible. “That books sounds fascinating, but I’m having trouble following all of these details. Can you just give me the gist of it?”

      If you do this with some regularity, the person might start to self-regulate. Or they might just ask you about it. Or after a few exchanges, you could draw attention to the larger pattern. “I love to hear about your life, but sometimes I need a higher-level summary than you’re giving me.”

      The first step is to clearly identify to yourself what it is that you need.

      1. Rrrrach*

        Thank you Friendship, I struggle with this too and cannot think in the moment how to say what I need. And a grateful thank you to Not A Manager – will be using those scripts!

      2. Friendship*

        Thank you SO much for helping me think through this!

        I think the second option (more silence) is what I prefer more, though when we do talk it’d be nice to be closer to 50:50 (heck, even 60:40 would be fine!). Part of the discomfort is that she’s a clear extrovert who is desperate for adult interaction but I only have so much energy I can give before I myself need to desperately recharge.

        I love you script for interrupting the excessively long stories/tangents (and it’s true! I really can’t keep track of all the details and then start to tune out which makes me feel bad).

        1. BubbleTea*

          Remember that you are not her only possible outlet for social communication, even in a pandemic, but you are the only person who can protect your own mental space. She can also talk to other people! But no one else can get your quiet time for you.

          1. Friendship*

            Excellent reminder! Because of the work our husbands do, we’re not located near family or a major city. With the pandemic, I think I’m the only “local” person she has known for a long time and feels safe meeting with in person. Normally I think she would’ve met way more new people (see: extrovert) but with COVID it’s really hard to find friends.

        2. scaredy cat*

          Also, this might be completely irrelevant, but whenever I’ve found myself in a situation where there’s very little response to a story I’m lost in the weeds in, it’s like watching a train get derailed in slow motion.
          It would be a kindness if the other person gave me direction on what to do with the conversation.

        3. allathian*

          One thing you could work on would be to stop feeling bad when you’re tuning out. Your extrovert friend just needs an outlet to talk, whether you actually listen or not is probably not all that important to her. If she does notice you’re not listening, you could say something like “sorry, I tuned out for a while.” It’s unlikely to offend her. If she’s not only an extrovert but also egotistical to the point that she wants you to listen attentively, that’s a different problem to address.

          1. Friendship*

            At one point I brought out my adult coloring books to get a break from the need for eye contact and it did help but still felt odd being talked at. I don’t know that’s it’s ego so much as pent up extroversion but it definitely stresses me out and it’s nice to hear that it’s ok to tune out more actively.

        4. matcha123*

          A few years ago I was out with a friend who talked non-stop. It was like a steady stream of every thought in her head. I was overwhelmed and I just could not talk. I had to tell her that at that moment I was overwhelmed and I needed to be silent for a while to recharge. I didn’t ask her to stop talking, but I did tell her that I couldn’t respond.
          I don’t know if that would work for you? I think I’m like you and would also prefer 50/50 splits when talking, or at least some quiet. If your friend might be hurt, explaining your need for some mental space might help them to understand.

          1. Friendship*

            She might actually respond to a version of that! Just framing it as me needing some quiet for my brain. Thank you!

          2. Sleeping Late Every Day*

            I’ve tried that with my sister, who does not have on off switch (or, unfortunately, a volume control knob). She got very upset and went on a rant about people always interrupting her. Well, yeah, if you talk non-stop, that’s gonna happen. I hope other people have better luck.

      3. A Simple Narwhal*

        Wow this is amazing! It’s very kind but also gets your request through.

        As someone who is not always the greatest story teller (I don’t go on for hours like the person in question but I can get bogged down by unimportant details), the “that book sounds fascinating but…can you just give me the gist of it” is a great script. I want to include the caveat that I’m very aware of my less than stellar story telling skills (and am working on improving) so it wouldn’t be a huge shock to hear someone kindly ask me to summarize more succinctly, but it seems perfect to me, as was the other scripts.

    2. CTT*

      A six hour car ride is so different to most other social circumstances (as is traveling with friends in general – it involves such an intense level of compatibility) – is this friend always like this, or did you really notice after this?

      1. Friendship*

        I’ve only traveled with her before as part of a couples trip, and we didn’t share the drive. Having other people to absorb some of the conversational energy would’ve helped for sure! I think we’re not very vacation compatible (which is ok!). The scripts above are helping me think of how to elegantly deflect/wrap up future overwhelming interactions.

    3. lemon meringue*

      With this kind of dynamic, it can be helpful to frame it about you rather than them. Depending on what your goal is, you could tell your friend that you’re trying to set better boundaries around your free time for the sake of your mental health, so you can’t be available to talk as much as usual. Or you could say that you’re working on trying to take a more active role in conversations, so you’re going to be more assertive about speaking up to direct the conversation. Or whatever it is that would make this relationship feel a bit more even-keeled.

      1. Friendship*

        I see we have both read Captain Awkward! That kind of directness would probably be too harsh given how overwhelmed and anxious she is though I could see them applying in certain other relationships. It’s just been so validating to hear/be reminded that it’s ok for me to be overwhelmed too and push back when I need more space.

        1. allathian*

          Yes, I really think you need to be a bit firmer about setting your own boundaries here. Don’t set yourself on fire to keep your friend warm. You can’t be her only support system if she’s so overwhelmed and anxious.

    4. justabot*

      It always helps me to “own” being an introvert and joke about it, because it’s true, and also be unapologetic about it. It sounds like your friend was using you for her outlet, but it just becomes word vomit at a certain point.

      I think you do have to set a boundary with how much you can realistically hear while protecting your own self care and energy supply. Maybe you could try telling her, “Wow that sounds like a lot that you are going through and it sounds really hard.” Definitely validate her struggle. But then tell her honestly that it’s a bit overwhelming and you don’t feel equipped to give the level of support that she needs. And that it sounds like she may need some support from others who are going through the same thing. There are so many blogs and Facebook support groups for parents of special needs children, etc. Sometimes when people can find a supportive place among people who understand or going through the same thing or stage of life, they find themselves needing less from the other friends in their life.

      And just be upfront that you are introverted and don’t have this much conversation in a month, let alone in a few hours and that you need some quiet time and re-charge. If you are driving, you could try saying, “I appreciate that you feel so comfortable sharing with me, but I am a bit talked out! Let’s just listen to music for the next hour, that’s what I need.” Or some variation. You can be gentle and appreciative of her situation. Just keeping in mind that introverts need that quiet time to recharge and extroverts get their charge by that very conversation that is depleting you.

      I use, “I’m introverted!” a lot when I need to take a break from more talkative and go, go, go type friends. The nice part of that, even if they don’t truly relate or understand what an introvert needs, is that it’s not personal.

  11. Goose*

    Well, I’m up at 230 am because someone of my floor pulled and broke the fire alarm for no reason. But this made me realize I am woefully unprepared to get my cat out during an emergency. She immediately went under the bed where I couldn’t reach her. How do I prepare her for a real emergency?

    1. tangerineRose*

      I’ve got a cat who likes to go under the bed when it’s time to take him to the vet. I’ve started putting things under the bed. My goal is to let him get enough under the bed that he feels kinda safe but not so far that I can’t reach in and pull him out. I haven’t quite achieved the goal yet – he still manages to find ways to get out of reach. I also keep a cat carrier in my bedroom.

      1. Not A Manager*

        Yes, I have friends who’ve essentially put a bunch of boxes under the middle of the bed so that the cat can go under the bed but can’t get out of reach.

      2. Bookgarden*

        This is so brilliant. I’ve never thought to give my cat one little spot that’s easy to get to under the bed. We get a lot of tornado watches and warnings here, so this would work great as she’s never taken to the hidey-holes we’ve created for her in the closets.

      3. Seeking Second Childhood*

        I once heard someone speculate about designing a captain’s bed, where one compartment would be the exact size of a cat carrier with the door open. It wasn’t someone I kept in touch with so I don’t know if it works. But it sure sounded like a clever idea.

    2. Mourning reader*

      Omg that’s exactly what happened to a friend a couple of weeks ago. Fire alarm going off and cat hide under the bed, she couldn’t get him out and she had to go.

      We buried him in my backyard after she got his body back from the firefighters. Apartment was totaled. It is all very sad but I’m glad my friend didn’t delay leaving as it could have been her.

      I recommend training your cat to come to you in some way. Might not work with scary alarms going off but it’s useful if they get out accidentally and other situations. Mine almost always come when I shake their treat container. Eliminating hiding places is also a good idea.

      Check your smoke detectors and if you live in an apartment, is it up to code? Are there detectors or sprinklers in the hallways? Do you have a fire extinguisher?

      Cats can be trained to some extent. Give it a try! Even my stupidest one is highly food motivated.

      2. Felis alwayshungryis*

        Sadly, under beds and couches are usually where they find cats after house fires. The part that kicked me in the guts in the article I read about it is that dogs are often found at the door they typically go for a walk from. That’s stuck with me.

    3. WS*

      When I had 10 minutes to evacuate ahead of a fast-moving bushfire, I put the cats’ favourite food out and they raced over to eat it, then I grabbed the sneaky one (the other one was no trouble). They then had to spend 8 hours in a carrier in the car with us, and refused to pee that whole time, even though I had an emergency litter box right there for them! When we were safe to come back the next morning, they raced straight for their litter.

    4. No Tribble At All*

      Well this is a sad and scary question :(

      We had a false alarm fire alarm last week, and my spouse was out jogging so it was just me. After a minute of the alarm going off I decided it might be real. I easily lured one cat into her crate with treats, but our scaredy cat tore around the house. I had to throw a towel over her to get her into the crate, and she still scratched me pretty good. That’s the only time she’s drawn blood. I remember thinking “okay, at what point should I leave” because I knew if I smelled smoke it would probably be too late, but I couldn’t bear the thought of leaving one of the cats behind. We’re on the 4th floor so it’s not like she couldve escaped out the window. Eventually I got her into the crate and carried them both outside, where we sat on the sidewalk for 10 minutes until they fixed the alarm.

      Anyway this is a rambling/frightened comment to say: keep their crates easily accessible, don’t let them have hiding places you can’t reach, and yes, you can encourage them to go to their crates with food. (Said dumb scaredy-cat is sitting on my lap as I write this, and I’m like sweetie read this please, I wasn’t mean to you for no reason!!)

    5. fposte*

      A friend has a special treats call that brings her cats running, and she’s done that with the idea that that’s the emergency beacon. I wonder if it make sense to sometimes move the treats call to the bathroom so that they’d gallop in for the call and she could shut the door for crate wrangling.

    6. Girasol*

      Can you put a cat carrier with cozy blankets in it under the bed and offer treats to encourage her to make it her go-to hidey hole? I also read that when a false alarm goes off you should give your pets a treat so that they come to you whenever they hear an alarm. It sounded clever but I’m not sure if that would work on a panicked cat.

      1. Windchime*

        When I first moved to this house, my normally crate-averse cat spend the first couple of days hiding in his crate in the back of the closet. I was thrilled that maybe he was going to make that his new “safe space”. But nope, now he is back to hiding under the bed whenever something scary happens (usually as simple as a stranger in the house). I’ve often thought about this exact emergency scenario and I don’t think I could get him out in time, especially with the smoke alarms blaring. No treat in the world would get him out from under the bed in that situation. He is very, very timid.

    7. Yellow Warbler*

      We use a “come right now” call that we’ve trained the cats into, using very expensive treats they only get when we make that sound.

      We started doing it during regular house noise levels (TV on, stove fan running, etc.) then graduated to more loud/weird sounds (my husband is a musician, so this is easy for us, but you can use whistles/air horns).

      We have not yet mastered their fear of the fire alarm, but it’s going better. They used to completely disappear, and now they only run upstairs and huddle on the landing. Once they tolerate that, the next step is to trigger different ones, so they’re used to that sound coming from different places.

    8. KR*

      Another vote for keeping things under the bed that prevent her from getting out of reach. For me, I know when the fire alarms go off my cat is going to either hide under the bed or behind/under the couch so if the alarms go off my first instinct is to grab her and throw her in my car, then go back for the dogs (who can’t fit in unreachable places and have the wherewithal to listen to me when I tell them to come, no matter how scared they are). It also helps to either block off places they may go to hide or put your furniture on gliders of some sort so you or the fire department can easily move them in case of emergencies.

    9. BelleMorte*

      It’s my worst fear honestly.

      I have a service dog and what we do to prepare them for fire alarms is a bit different but it can still be used for non-service dog training. Basically, make a recording of the alarm on your phone or whatever. Figure out a high value reward for your pet. Turn on the recording in the general area of where your sound will be coming from give the pet a treat. Continue and slowly move the treat reward location to the door/carrier location. Ideally this will train them to go to the door when that noise goes off.

      Your results may vary, some cats are trainable, some are not. I also recommend keeping a cat carrier near the door and open at all times with catnip and toys in it, so they can go in and out all the time not only when they have to use it.

  12. Laura H.*

    Little Joys Thread. What brought you joy this week?

    The temperatures have been warmer so I’ve been making a little more front porch time this week.

    Please share your joys.

    1. tangerineRose*

      Cherry trees are blossoming where I live, so many beautiful pink leaves! The air outside was lovely most of the time.

    3. English, not American*

      My dog is becoming fun again!
      He’s had surgery on both his knees, so with allowing time for one leg to regain strength before operating on the other and trying to prevent him from injuring himself, I’ve had to be a helicopter-dog-owner for more than 7 months. This week I could let him off-lead for the first time since August (though only for a minute or two)! I no longer have to carry him up and down the stairs! He can actually run like a dog, not a rabbit!

    4. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I stopped for a brief visit (all vaccinated etc) and my friend’s little boy told me he had cleaned out some of his baby books, did I want to buy any of them? I said, well, I have a six-month-old baby nephew, so how about if you pick me out a few books that you think would be good for him? So he picked out a few books from his pile that he thought would suit, and I scrounged fifty cents out of the change in my car, and that pretty much made my day. (Also his little brothers hugged me around the knees like four times and talked my ears off. I’ve missed these kids almost as much as their parents.)

    5. Laura Petrie*

      It has been lovely and sunny this week, so even though it is quite chilly outside, I’ve felt really cheerful.

      We’re planning an outside pint at one of our favourite brew taps tomorrow. It will be our first beer at a bar since September and I’m really looking forward to it.

    7. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I was delighted to have a warm day off to poke around the local nursery, pick up some seedlings and go home to plant some pansies and swiss chard.
      I am now delighted that my makeshift weather protection seems to have kept those pansies and swiss chard alive despite the snow that wasn’t forecast at the time I put them in the garden. (I gave them hot water bottles using plastic jugs out of the recycle bin.)

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Follow up: I am now delighted that I picked seedlings that are all types that can survive light frosts. It was pure luck — and I’m still glad I put protection on them to keep them from getting crushed flat by the snow.

      2. Seeking Second Childhood*

        ***My dwarf bleeding heart survived the winter — and the daffodils I planted late last year are sending up shoots. HURRAH!***

    8. allathian*

      We cleaned our porch today and put out the sun chairs. It was warm enough to sit outside and drink a cup of coffee in sweats. Our lawn is getting green and our tulips and daffodils are growing and will start blooming within a few weeks, depending on the weather.

      Separately, my parents came for a visit to take a look at our garden. It was lovely to chat with them again, even while masked and keeping a safe distance.

    9. GoryDetails*

      Kind of a backwards one: turns out I was very glad that I hadn’t put my snow shovel away, as I had to shovel a couple of inches of heavy, wet snow off of my back porch yesterday! (The snow’s all melted today, of course, and it was very pretty when it was falling yesterday, but by mid-April we’re *usually* snow-free around here.) Anyway, I didn’t have to drag the snow shovel back up from the basement, so that was good!

    10. FisherCat*

      My dog is just wonderful. He can be challenging, too, and I’ve spent too much time focusing on that. This week I’ve paid special attention to all the quirky, fun, wonderful things he also does. Rescuing him is the best thing I’ve ever done for myself <3

    11. Llama face!*

      My friend who is in a high risk category healthwise was finally able to get her first vaccine shot yesterday! :D

      Also, my carrots that I’d winter sown in a plastic tub have started sprouting nicely. It’s my first time trying to container garden carrots and I’m excited about it!

    12. Seal*

      Got my second vaccine this week so I’ll be able to visit my mother (who’s also been fully vaccinated) for Mother’s Day. Never been so happy to have a sore arm!

    13. Windchime*

      This is my first Spring in this community and this house. The previous owners took great pride in the yard and there are all kinds of pretty things blooming. There is a weeping cherry out front and three flowering plums in the back yard. There is also a bridal wreath and some kind of a pretty little magnolia. The trees are starting to leaf out and they are FULL of birds who are very busy building nests and chattering. It’s been absolutely wonderful.

    14. twocents*

      I’ve been struggling with weight loss lately, and while I logically understand how it works, making myself do the things necessary is much harder.

      I watched a Ted Talk by Dr BJ Fogg a couple days ago and his research into doing tiny habits followed by immediate reward (eg tell yourself you’re awesome) has been really uplifting. It’s oddly fun to do something that maybe shouldn’t be hard but is for me and immediately go “I’m awesome!” Ahh it’s making my day so much more joyful too.

    15. Canuck girl*

      My cat has started gently waking me up by curling up next to me and purring every morning. He also started head butting me and licking my cheek. I’ve had him for 4 months and there is always some new cute behaviour from him that brings me oodles of joy :)

    16. StellaBella*

      Several little joys this week. But the two best were using my new apartment’s communual washer and dryer and OMG they are better than anything I have used in 5 years…and a 30 min walk to the recycling centre to drop off 3 weeks of cans, bottles, plastics. On my walk I saw a heron amd and egret and a kestral.

    17. Buni*

      Saw a couple of friends that I usually see 1-2 times a week and go on week’s holiday with every year, but hadn’t seen in 13 months. We had a bring ‘n’ share picnic on the green behind one friend’s house, about 5 hours just sat in the sun talking & laughing, was awesome.

    18. Jackalope*

      My spouse and I got our 2nd shots last week so we’re 1 week away from full vaccination. 2 of our pod people got their 2nd shots today, so we just have one more pod person with a shot in 2 weeks and then we’re all fully vaccinated.

      1. Jackalope*

        Oh, I forgot to mention that we had a picnic outdoors today and then I went and did a hard-for-me thing and then as a reward for Doing the Thing (that I had been putting off), my housemate and I went and bought a bunch of plants and then planted a bunch of plants (not the ones we just got, alas; we’re a bit behind on planting). Looking forward to watching them grow, and esp. since a lot of them are berries (we got raspberries, boysenberries, thimbleberries, and huckleberries, plus we have some blueberries and some other raspberries already planted), we will hopefully be eating well in a couple of years once everyone is well-established!

      2. Liz*

        I got #2 yesterday, so I have two weeks to go. My mom has been fully vaccinated since the end of Feb, and my BF will be in about a month; he gets #2 in a few weeks.

        Most of my friends too are either fully vaccinated, or in the process.

        i can’t wait until I am; going to go for a pedicure, and I might even venture out for some “unnecessary” shopping. And looking forward to warmer weather when we can eat outside!

    19. Marion Ravenwood*

      It was my good friend’s birthday yesterday so I got to see her and two other friends who I haven’t seen since before the last UK lockdown. Was lovely to sit out in the sun and catch up! I also made a cake for the occasion which was the first time I’ve baked in ages (since living alone it feels like a bit of a waste to bake just for me) and reminded me how much I love it.

    20. Liz*

      Here in the UK, the gyms reopened this week and I am DELIGHTED to be back. I’ve made 4 trips this week and I feel amazing.

      Furthermore, the guy at the gym who I’ve been crushing on for 2 years was back, and yesterday we chatted to each other non stop and even flirted a little, I think. I ALMOST got the guts to ask for his number (but bottled it at the last second) but next weekend if I see him, I might ask if he wants to go out for a coffee or something. I’ve been grinning from ear to ear all weekend!

    21. Elle Woods*

      Getting my second dose of the COVID vaccine. I received it Friday morning. By that afternoon, I was really tired. I was almost useless yesterday (headache, body aches, fever, chills, crushing fatigue). I’m feeling a whole lot better today, thank goodness.

    22. the cat's ass*

      I successfully groomed my prone-to-matting, incredibly floofy 1 year old easily pissed off teenage cat without either of us being traumatized/clawed.

      My totally into Japanese cooking daughter discovered Jun’s Kitchen on Youtube. Cats, cooking and very sweet.

      Hubs cleaned the downstairs bathroom (AKA the third ring of hell) and it’s so spotless none of want to shower right now but just enjoy how pristine it is!

    23. Trixie*

      Today I was able to FaceTime with my father and his wife. Covid aside, this is the closest we’ve had to a face to face visit. Walking them successfully through the instructions by phone made me feel like we nailed the landing on Mars, lol. Looking forward to more chats!

  13. Tiasp - how are you doing?*

    I’ve been thinking about you since your post regarding your family’s economic challenges and I wonder how things have been for you?

    1. tiasp*

      Things are still really tight, but my husband just got a couple of weeks of work lined up. Not his usual type of work (way lower pay rate, location means 4+ hours commuting/day, fewer hours available), but it is SUCH a relief. They said they will have more work for him once this job is done, so I’m cautiously hopeful that this is the beginning of things turning around for us.

      Thank you for asking.

  14. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Writing thread! How’s everyone’s writing going?
    My recreational writing is on hold for a while, but the other stuff is going pretty well so I’m pretty happy about that.

    2. Teatime is Goodtime*

      I’ve got three pages left on a second round book edit. So close. SO CLOSE! One more round after this (I hope) and then it can go to beta readers. I’m wildly impatient at the moment. :)

      I seem to have trouble doing this kind of editing and writing something new at the same time, so all my other projects and ideas are stalled at the moment. Which contributes to my impatience, of course! :)

    3. SecretScribe*

      Finished writing a 62 ch book online then continuing w/my 18 ch online tale. Wrote 1st 2 pgs of a screenplay based on the 18 ch book. Progress!

    4. Yellow Warbler*

      Currently procrastinating four articles due Monday :/

      Gotta get on it, but my brain feels like a slug today.

    5. Julia*

      I was doing so well with Camp NaNoWriMo, which is a first for me, and then I got sick. It’s not covid and I’ll be fine in another day or two, but I’ll really have to catch up if I still want to “win”…

    6. CanadianCatLady*

      Just finished my weekly blog for the Cat Sanctuary – sometimes the feline subject is obvious and it flows, and sometimes it takes a little longer. http://neko-raps.blogspot.com/
      Just heading out to spend some time with them and think about next week’s cat….

    7. Elizabeth West*

      Almost done with a pass through Book 2 before I send it to betas. While they’re reading it and my voiceover guy is working on the trailer, I’m going to work on my conlang. It has to be pretty much set before my next project. I have some books to read and a whole lot of words to make up yet.

      I would really like to get back to the screenplay I was working on (just for practice; it was my first one), but I can’t do everything right now. It had to be set aside until I finish studying for this damn workplace certification.

  15. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Gaming thread! What’s everyone been playing this week? As usual, this is not limited to video games, feel free to talk about any games you wish. Also feel free to ask for recommendations or help identifying a vaguely remembered game.
    Not much gaming for me due to being busy, but I’ve been playing a mobile game called Euclidea, which is sort of a geometry-based puzzle game? It’s pretty darn fun.

    1. Bookgarden*

      The Long Dark. I usually don’t like survival games as I’m just not typically a fan of hunger mechanics, but I actually like it in this title. The story is pretty fascinating so far. I also really appreciate that I have to think critically about what I carry with me, and brainstorm solutions when I run low on supplies or can’t find shelter during a snowstorm.

      Also still playing Stardew Valley with my partner. We finally got to Summer Year 2, the furthest we’ve ever gotten playing together.

    2. Lyudie*

      I’ve been in a Dragon Age obsession for a while now and that does not seem to be letting up lol. Also lots of Carcassone on mobile, mostly iPad. I need to get back into Stardew Valley too, I started a new farm recently on the new beach farm and want to check out the other new stuff in the latest update.

    3. BubbleTea*

      I am miles behind the times but I’ve been playing the Untitled Goose Game! I’ve got a lot going on in real life right now and sometimes I just want to be a horrible goose for a while. Yesterday I trapped a small child into a phone booth and broke a broom and it was excellent. Honk!

    4. Nicki Name*

      Still working my way along the Crimson Flower route. I’ve reached crunch time where I have to accept that I’m not going to get everyone to master level. I just got to do Edelgard’s and Hubert’s paralogues, which was neat (they’re not available in any other routes).

      1. Jackalope*

        I’m still working my way through the Verdant Wind route. Spent a few hours grinding this week and got all of my characters to level 20+; I recruit everyone possible, so that’s a LOT of characters to level up. It was fun, though; the only downside is that I spent awhile not playing my favorite characters (since they were all leveled up already), and then got attached to new characters, and now am going back to the first ones. It’s a good problem to have.

    5. MEH Squared (formerly MEH)*

      I finished the Dark Souls II (FromSoft) platinum and needed a chill game to relax even though it was the easiest of the three plats. It was still grindy and tedious. A friend suggested Cozy Grove by Spry Fox. I would describe it as Animal Crossing lite with a little Spiritfarer sprinkled in.

      You’re a Spirit Scout on an island by mistake, helping spirits with their unfinished business. It’s very cozy with resource gathering/management, baking, and fishing. Also, you can dress up your character and make your island more homey/productive in resources. There’s a campfire named Flamey who is your bestie and does many things for you.

      The graphics are hand-drawn and lovely. It’s just so tranquil and warm-hearted. There are hints of sad/grim backstories from the spirits, though, so I’m looking forward to learning more about that. There are about an hour’s worth of quests a day (helping various spirits) and then you can noodle around as much as you like with the resource management aspect.

      This is going to sound strange, but believe me it’s a compliment. I have difficulty sleeping so after I finish all my chores, I’ll just fish in the game and drift off. It’s a great way to catch a half-hour nap. I highly recommend this game.

      1. FlyingAce*

        My husband is currently playing the first Dark Souls, after finishing platinum in Bloodborne and Sekiro (both from the same studio). I can certainly understand why you were looking for a chill game!

        1. MEH Squared (formerly MEH)*

          Ooooh, I hope he enjoys Dark Souls! (Remastered, I assume?) I liked both Bloodborne and Sekiro, but the Dark Souls trilogy are my favorite because of dark fantasy, being able to use magicks, and being able to shield. But the other two are amazing games as well. Good luck to your husband!

    6. Job-searching*

      A lot of Pokémon Mystery Dungeon, which is my go to when I’m not feeling well, and some Sims 4. I’m building a big penthouse with a bunch of amenities that a dozen or so close friends could live in together and rarely have to go out.

      1. FlyingAce*

        I’ve recently reinstalled Sims 3 in my new computer (though I haven’t had a chance to play yet). I always found building houses to be quite relaxing.

        1. Julia*

          It totally is! I almost never play, just tinker around with my builds. Maybe I should actually move a Sim me into my favorite penthouse and let them live the dream life? :D

    7. Marion Ravenwood*

      We played some more of the Dune game I mentioned in a previous gaming thread on Friday. I seem to be doing worse rather than better though – not sure why. Maybe I need a better strategy. Going to finish that today though so will see how I get on!

    8. LimeRoos*

      I’ve just finished the last mystery in Layton’s Mystery Journey: Katrielle and the Millionaires’ Conspiracy and it was lovely. Holds up well in the Layton universe and the create a meal mini-game is my favorite. I’m going to go back and finish Curious Village now, since the DSLite charger came in so I can actually use it lol. (if anyone remembers my comment from last week).

      Also just got Terraria on the Switch – it’s on sale for $15 so hubby & I both got it. Played about 2 hours last night and it was delightful. Like Minecraft but prettier in the indie game sense. It was such a relief to not have all your items drop when you die. Though I did end up losing a few gold, iron, tungsten, and copper bars for some reason – they just disappeared from the chest. I’m hoping that’s just a one off and not an actual glitch.

    9. DarthVelma*

      The partner and I defeated the third boss in Valheim last night. Big stinky blob monster. It was a pretty good fight. We won without either of us dying, but the fight was still close enough to be exciting.

      The partner has been doing a ton of base building. We found this awesome little island with a pond in the middle and he’s been building around it and the trees. He’s having a surprising amount of fun with decorating the interior. (FYI, leech head trophies are kinda disturbing looking.) I have discovered that I get a sort of zen enjoyment from smelting. Load the wood. Load the charcoal. Load the ore. Carry the smelted metal to the forge. Later, rinse, repeat. :-)

      The best part of the weekend, though, was trying out my spiffy new iron hammer. Things go splat. Bits fly everywhere. The first time I hit anything with it I nearly swallowed my tongue I was laughing so hard. My partner just stared in jaw-dropped silence. It’s a fun little game.

    10. Dr.KMnO4*

      I completed the Perfection challenge in Stardew Valley for the first time. It took me 5 in-game years, which is the longest I’ve ever stuck with a farm.

      Now I’m taking a break from Stardew Valley and splitting my time between Monster Hunter World and Slime Rancher. MHW is pretty intense, and Slime Rancher is very chill (at least on Casual mode, which I prefer).

    11. Gamerchick*

      I have so many games I want to play and so little time. I was able to play Cyberpunk 2077 for a couple of hours this week – I’m really enjoying it. I figure I’ll finish it in several months. I have two toddlers, a teenager, and a husband along with full time work. I love my kids and wouldn’t give them up for anything, but I occasionally miss the days when I could game for 1-2 days straight – especially when I’m really into a game. I can’t skip nearly as much sleep as I used to. My game list that I want to play is long… Life is good though.

    12. Raida*

      been playing Satisfactory (update 4), Astroneer (missions and big power update), Don’t Starve Together (with mods), X-Morph Defense with my sister, alternating between games so we don’t get sick of any one, or play for waaaaaaaaaay too long in one game in one day.

      and solo Creeper World 4, I’ve got just four of the levels left to beat!

  16. nep*

    We got a 12-week-old kitty last weekend.
    She’s really lovely and it’s great having a cat in the house again. It had been a few years.
    I don’t recall kittenhood of our earlier cats…can’t recall where they slept first few weeks. I made the mistake of having new kitty in my room overnight the first night or two, as she didn’t have the run of the house yet. (For various reasons, another room we’d set up for a kitty didn’t work out, so I just kept her in my room.)
    Thing is I don’t like having a cat sleep in my bed. Am I doomed? Is there a way to wean her without having her terribly distressed and wailing all night? Or as she gets older and more independent, might she just start spending the night elsewhere in the house? (The longer I let her in my room at night, the worse any change would be, I reckon.)
    I guess getting her a playmate might help, but we don’t want a second cat.
    Am I the worse cat mom in the universe?
    Any thoughts, tips appreciated.

    1. Jellyfish*

      Could you add a cat tower or condo to your bedroom to give the kitty her own place to sleep that’s not your bed, but still in proximity? It seems a little harsh to me to insist she spend every night alone and away from the people if she’d prefer to be near you.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      No real tips – my rule when my husband first got his cats was NO CATS IN THE BEDROOM, so I haven’t had to train them out, just deter them – but just confirming you are not a bad kitty parent. In general it’s easier to start out as you mean to go on, so I’d turf her ASAP so she doesn’t have weeks and weeks to have gotten used to it. You may find her pawing (or clawing) at the door; I put an empty laundry hamper on its side in front of the door when that happened and it pretty much only happened the one night.

      I did have to adjust my older dog to not sleeping in my bedroom when we stopped letting her up the stairs at all (mobility and vision issues made it unsafe), but that was pretty easy – I slept on the couch in the living room with her one night, and we just gated the stairs. After that she just sleeps on her pillow in the living room or in my office (there’s a lot of puppy beds on that level of the house for her to choose from) and it’s been a non-issue.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Aww, congrats on the new kitty.

      Your doom is determined by how much of a softie you are, I think. ;)
      Cats can be pretty nocturnal. At one point, I had two cats here and I swear they waited until we fell asleep and then they would start chasing each other through the house. It was like a raceway throughout my house, they would run this way and that way, crazy stuff. Because they were adults I did not worry about it like I did when they were “kids”.
      I had a crate that I used initially, just because she was so flippin’ tiny. Then I moved up to a baby gate and kept her in one room. The crying doesn’t last that long. Maybe some soft music? Maybe a well-chosen toy? But the crying stopped early on. In the end, I caved. They both were allowed to sleep down at the foot of the bed. They were not allowed up by our faces. I taught them to sleep there. If they came up close to my face, they got picked up and firmly placed down by my feet. They caught on. Yeah, I’m a wimp.
      They even hammered out a peace agreement with the dog for when I took naps. The (60 pound) dog was allowed (by them) to sleep on one side of me and they slept on the other side. I was sort of like a DMZ/peace keeper.

    4. Zooey*

      My cat slept with me as a kitten and for some years after. Then at a certain point he started getting disruptive at night (he likes to get our attention by tipping our water glasses over) and we started locking him in another room overnight. He hasn’t seemed distressed by this at all. I think what made it easy is that it’s the room he usually sleeps in during the day – he has a bed in there and access to food and his cat flap. So he’s accustomed to being there.

    5. Not A Manager*

      Just do it. It’s only been a week so far. As soon as she has the run of the house and doesn’t need to be supervised, shut her out of your room. I’d probably do it during the day as well as at night, at least at first. You don’t want her to decide it’s her bedroom during the day, and then be upset that it’s not her bedroom at night, too.

      Even if she fusses and pesters you, give it about a week before you decide that you need to offer her special equipment or fancy hiding places. She’ll probably adapt just fine, especially as she’s young.

    6. Qwerty*

      How cold does your house get at night? Our kitten used to sleep with us more when he was cold – even when he had the whole house, he’d show up in the bed around 2am when he was younger. I had the opposite problem as you – I wanted the cat to sleep with me but he generally would hang out on my bed while I got ready then leave shortly after I laid down.

      Cardboard boxes are your friend! Cats love them! We put a blanket or towel in our cats favorite one to keep it cozy. Maybe having one set up in your room will help redirect your cat? You could try putting the box on the bed for a night or two then move it to the floor and hope the cat follows the box. Also set up a couple around the house so your cat has options outside of your room.

      Also, at 12weeks, your cat is still pretty young, so I’d recommend discouraging but not forbidding the bed sleeping yet. Your kitten probably just went from sleeping with their mom and siblings to being alone. Keep most of the playtime to outside the bedroom, cuddle with them in the evening while you watch TV, and keep toys laying around for them wander over to at night.

    7. Jackalope*

      I was never able to train one of my cats to stop trying to get into my room at night; he would paw and scratch at the door and sing a song of feline lament for hours, even though I never let him in. I finally moved to a place with a basement, and made the basement a great kitty habitat, and now the cats get shut downstairs at bedtime. It’s worked well for all concerned; I get sleep, and when it’s the right time of night they actually will run downstairs and try to nudge me in the right direction (I make sure dinner time is at the same time so they have something to look forward to). If one of us humans goes downstairs after Kitty Bedtime, we get glares, like, “Hey, this is the No Humans Allowed hour; go away!”

    8. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      Ours move around a bunch and right now its “lets sleep with mom and dad!” for Girl Kitty, but Boy Kitty has been sleeping on the day bed in the guest room (he likes to go out at night though). Over winter Girl Kitty slept in our room but on the “beach” – a folded over piece of foam with a blankie on it, by the radiator. If we leave the door open then Boy Kitty walks back and forth in the middle of the night and wakes me up.

      Last night they were both passed out on the day bed after running around in the garden all afternoon,so it was easy to shut the bedroom door, put down the motion sensor air blast can,and get some actual sleep! Even after 10 years I still feel Cat Mom Guilt over kicking them out, but damn,sometimes I just need a whole night of unbroken sleep and being able to roll over or not wake up with someone jumping on my chest at 4am.

    9. Liz*

      I’m currently having to transition my cat to sleeping apart. I’ve generally been very fond of having cats on the bed as long as they behave and settle quietly, but my oldest is getting far too fidgetty. She has a few health problems and is keeping me up at night as her kidneys have her making very frequent litter tray trips. Then she wakes me up stumping all over the bed, walking across my face and burrowing under the duvet to resume cuddles. Here’s what I’ve done to get her settled downstairs:
      – I make sure she has her food and water in the room with her.
      – I’ve got her set up with an established sleeping spot in the living room during the day before I shut her in. This meant bringing her down from my bedroom to hang out during the day.
      – I bought a SnuggleSafe for warmth. These are great as you microwave them and they retain their heat for several hours, so kitty has something to cosy up against.
      – I gave her something of mine so she had my scent nearby, in this case my dressing gown, which the cats love to sleep on anyway.
      – I give her LOTS of attention during the day, so she isn’t craving attention at night.
      – For a younger kitty, you might need to play to burn off that youthful energy as well, so be prepared to invest in a few toys to get her pooped out. I recommend a long play session right before a bedtime meal (this mimics the hunt-kill-feed pattern in the wild) and then once fed, kitty will probably be ready for a long sleep.

  17. Helvetica*

    Inspired by the speed round when the topic of wearing sheer tights came up again – why are Americans so against them and consider them old lady things?
    Sorry to generalize but whenever I see the topic of hosiery come up – talking about the see-through pantyhose kind – it is often Americans who consider it old-fashioned, granny-esque and a fashion abomination. But…I live in a cold country. A country where I would not go bare-legged unless it was over 16C/60F but I do want to wear skirts and dresses those times as well so pantyhose are what I use. Are you all just cold at those times? Do you not wear skirts? Do you always wear black tights instead (which don’t work with all kinds of skirts)? Why such hate at pantyhose?
    It just honestly baffles me because in my cultural space, pantyhose are very normal and appropriate and not just for old ladies. It’s not about business etiquette but just practicalities for me.

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Speaking as an American who actually prefers pantyhose to bare-legging with skirts shorter than ankle-length :) I think it’s not so much that pantyhose are inappropriate or for the elderly, but it’s kind of a general representation of the hatred of the idea that there’s One True Way to Dress Like A Woman, and that following that One True Way means that you are always perfectly coiffed and made up, your boobs are emphasized enough (but not too much), your legs are shapely and well-defined and the right color of tan, and so on. Pantyhose get the hate because they represent all the baggage that’s rolled up in that. (And personally, my biggest annoyance with pantyhose is that they’re flimsy and I can’t get them to last more than one wearing, and dudes don’t have any items of clothing in THEIR office wardrobes that are basically designed to be one-use, but I also sucked it up and bought a two-pack of the expensive indestructible hose, one black and one in an appropriate skin tone for me, so hopefully those should cover me for a good long while. The review I read of them said “My husband tried to lift me by the hose, and we gave up on the endeavor long before the hose did,” which greatly entertained me.)

      What I’m wondering back at you though – assuming that we’re talking about the same item of clothing, do pantyhose – the functionally sheer type, NOT opaque or thicker tights – actually make a difference in terms of keeping you warm in cold weather? Because I notice them if I’m wearing them under pants or another covering layer, but if all I have on my legs is pantyhose, I notice absolutely no difference to me in terms of keeping my legs warm as opposed to being bare-legged.

      1. Girasol*

        What a great answer! In addition I wonder if tights get a bad rap because they are neither fish nor fowl: too much like clingy baggage-laden pantyhose for modern women but not enough like sheer flesh toned feminine pantyhose for traditionalists.

      2. Chaordic One*

        Well, based on the review you read, they certainly sound like a “must-buy” item. Thank you for sharing.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          They came with a sample of the material, specifically so you can test it on things without damaging your expensive hose. I pulled on it. I yanked on it. My husband and I played tug of war with it. I scraped it with my engagement ring, my dog’s paws, and the cat’s claws. IT. DID. NOT. TEAR.

          Here’s the review I read originally, in case anyone else is in the “I actually like pantyhose but damn they shred if you blink at them” camp: https://www.cnn.com/2021/03/03/cnn-underscored/sheertex-tights-review — They list them as tights, but to me, at least, tights are opaque and these are available in a similar-to-hose translucence.

          1. Elizabeth West*

            Whoa!
            I grew up wearing hose and although it’s annoying and I get sick of it ripping all the time, I kind of miss not having it. I only wear dresses when I can wear thick tights, in the winter, and not very often at all—I hate the bare legs trend because of thigh rub and my feet blister at the drop of a hat without some sort of barrier between me and a shoe. But these might actually get me to wear dresses again!

            1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

              I also appreciate that their site models are a wide range of body types and sizes and skin colors *and are not all female-presenting.*

          2. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

            As someone who has rope make up of a similar long chain synthetic fiber, I’ve been wondering why nobody ever made hose out of it. Turns out someone has!

            The rope is 7/64″ thick and can lift 1600 lbs. I wonder how many of the Sheertex tights it would take to lift a mini cooper or a vw bug? It would be a great advertisement.

            The price is a bit to much for me though.

            1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

              I had a hard time getting past the price, yeah, but finally I mentally moved them into the “I probably won’t wear them super often but high quality products should last for years” category, held my nose and clicked the button :)

      3. I'm the one*

        Pantyhose are definitely warmer than bare legs!
        We once wore them all the time; of course, when it was below 20 degrees F, our legs were still freezing if we had to spend time outside. On just normal cooler days, pantyhose were fine.

    2. Cruciatus*

      SNL just had a weird skit about two women pretending to be high school students but were actually selling L’eggs hosiery products (that the high school students decided was cool!). Anyway, I have always hated them. My mom always thought they were proper for events where I had to wear a dress/skirt whatever but even as a kid I just thought it was old-fashioned and they aren’t comfortable (and I don’t really understand how they keep you warmer). I think here in the US, and maybe only in my opinion, there is an historical aspect of “OMG, bare legs? Scandalous!” that people are reacting to–good old Puritanical values. So I think maybe that’s something the younger generations for decades were responding to and why mostly only older folks wear them (and they aren’t comfortable).

      1. Helvetica*

        Yeah, that skit also nudged my interest in this question and then the AAM thread which followed.
        I think they’re an extra layer in winter so they do keep my legs warmer – I wouldn’t wear them in like sub-zero temperatures but I do feel there is a range where they offer me more protection and warmth than bare legs do.
        I kinda thought the Puritanical aspect might come to play and that is somewhat that has seemed very American about the approach to them, like it’s tied to this notion of propriety, which my culture simply does not have. I do get the hang-up though.

      2. PhyllisB*

        Amen on the scandal part!! I went to a Catholic boarding school for a couple of years in the 60’s and we were required to wear hose to Mass on Sundays. After we dressed for church, we had to line up and one the sisters would go down the row checking for violations. You haven’t lived until you’ve had an 80 year old nun run her hands down your legs.

      3. Sleeping Late Every Day*

        I’m old so I can remember wearing regular hose/nylons with horrible garters that dug into our legs and HURT. We were THRILLED to switch when pantyhose came out. They weren’t too available when I was in school, so opaque tights or knee socks were popular. My generation also wore miniskirts with and without pantyhose or tights or knee socks or boots, and super short shorts, and went braless, and all sorts of rebellious things. But that was mostly on our own time. For work, we wore what convention dictated, just like most younger women now wouldn’t wear a thin, ripped tee shirt and no bra in an office with a fairly formal dress code. Although I remember going braless at work sometimes, as did some others my age.

        1. Sleeping Late Every Day*

          Adding, we also wore sandals or went barefoot with those minis (and maxis) in the summer, but not for work. So homeless pretty often in warm weather.

    3. Washi*

      I wear sheer-ish tights when it’s cold! I think my general dislike of traditional pantyhose comes partly from being forced to wear it by my mom even when it’s really hot, but mainly how easily it tears: having to be super careful with how I put it on, trying to avoid snagging, noticing a tear and putting nail polish on it to stop a run, noticing a tear and not having to put anything on it and being mortified….Not worth it just so people have a filter to look at my leg skin!

      Now for cold days where leggings won’t work for my outfit, I have a more robust pair of kinda sheer tights and they don’t bother me as much because they’re not so delicate.

      1. Texan In Exile*

        I wore hose in the Before Times because I live in Wisconsin and it’s cold here. My Texas friends laughed, but it’s rarely cold enough in Houston that bare legs would be an issue so they don’t even know.

        And yeah – the runs. I used to worry about runs in my hose, but then I decided I was tired of throwing away hose every time they ran, which was almost every day because office furniture designers don’t think about the underside of tables and desks, so I just wore hose with runs anyhow.

        I decided that if anyone ever said anything about it, I would just act like the run had just happened.

        But nobody ever did.

    4. Caterpie*

      I’m a younger millennial and in winter I actually like pantyhose! I have really splotchy skin on my legs and it helps hide that, plus helps with warmth and shoe rubbing.

      I do find that it’s hard to get the top part over my waist all the way and without being twisted a bit, which can be really uncomfortable or awkward when the crotch of the pantyhose is sitting much lower than your body. I also wear my nails longer, so trying to adjust them without ripping is a hassle.

      1. Helvetica*

        Ah, the twisting is the worst! I could recommend Wolford tights – they might seem outrageously expensive compared to some others but they are very durable and the waist is really nice.

      2. Texan In Exile*

        My mom of the beautifully painted long nails used to wear gloves to put on her hose!

      3. Marion Ravenwood*

        Fellow millennial here and I wear them for similar reasons (though generally only for winter parties/weddings etc where black tights wouldn’t work with the outfit). I’m also ridiculously pale and don’t like using fake tan so they feel like the halfway point between tanning and getting my milk-bottle legs out.

    5. WS*

      I’m not American, but I also consider them old fashioned and just plain nasty to wear. It doesn’t get very cold where I live, but when it does, people tend to wear tights. I don’t think I’ve seen anyone apart from very dressy sales people or dancers wear sheer pantihose for years.

      1. Windchime*

        I think it’s been over 20 years since I’ve work panty hose. Back in the day, we had a dress code at work. You could wear a (uniform) skirt, but you had to wear hose. One day, as I was struggling into the tight, expensive, uncomfortable pantyhose a switch flipped in my head and I decided I would never wear them again. I got rid of all my work skirts and went to pants and never looked back. I may agree to wear tights again at some point, but never expensive, fragile, uncomfortable, ill-fitting pantyhose.

    6. Chilipepper*

      I don’t like them for the physical discomfort, easy tearing, and for the “cover your skin with fake skin so it looks like skin to please us but is not real skin bc that would be scandalous” reason. Maybe that last one is only a reason where I grew up (New England). Overall, cost, convenience, and the ick factor make them one of the last things on earth I would wear.

      I grew up in a relatively cold climate and wore skirts occasionally in winter. It was fine to wear warm socks with boots and a longer skirt but sometimes I wore tights. They cone in lots of colors and textures, not just black. And they are more hard wearing; they dont tear so easily, etc.

      1. Helvetica*

        The last aspect is fascinating because no one has ever told me I should wear tights so to not be scandalous and I’d never really thought of that.
        And of course, they come in other colours, I just find the aspect of colour coordination with the rest of the outfit like twice harder then; also I do feel that colourful tights or with patterns can have the effect of being somewhat…kindergarten teacher esque. Kind of too cutesy? Would work in some fields but definitely not in my job.

        1. Person from the Resume*

          I agree that the patterned tights can certainly look childish.

          I have a few crazy patters but they’re part of costumes.

        2. Filosofickle*

          Yep, skin is scandalous. That’s why pantyhose was always written into dress codes. I had to wear them at work through the 90s and never will again. Fine/thin hose were always ripping, that’s my biggest issue. I was lucky if I could get through a whole day, much less multiple, on one pair. The ones that were thick enough to resist tears looked fake and weird. At that point I’d rather just have on tights. I get the skin-smoothing / color issue and I liked them for that when I was young, but same problem — the pretty ones ripped, and the ones that didn’t rip weren’t pretty on.

          1. Girasol*

            That reminds me of school where a girl wore a knee length skirt and ankle socks in elementary no matter what weather, in junior high never ankle socks but always tights or knee highs, and pantyhose or fishnets (they were a thing) in high school. No pants unless it was below zero and then ski pants could be pulled on under a skirt just for on the bus but had to be put in a locker on arrival. No mini skirts but not midi or maxi either, only knee length. No bare midriffs, no sleeveless dresses… and all because we needed to dress with feminine propriety to appeal to boys but not distract them. Boys only had to avoid shorts and jeans, but there wasn’t a boys haircut of any length or shape that was safe from detention.

        3. KittyCardigans*

          I mean, there are both wild and demure patterns and colors. I live in a relatively mild climate but in winter I wear black, gray, and burgundy tights. Some of them are ribbed or have other textural detailing on them, which is subtle but adds enough visual detail that it’s harder to see cat hair.

          Pantyhose are so thin that I just don’t find them warm? Even the pink and tan tights I wore as a dancer were thicker than pantyhose. For me personally, tights=yes; can add warmth, modesty, and visual interest; pantyhose=no; fragile and make my legs either too matte or too shiny.

    7. No Tribble At All*

      I’ll wear cotton leggings, which are softer, thicker, come in more colors, and are overall more comfortable. Also they last for more than one day of wear! So if it’s really cold out and I want to wear a skirt or dress, I’ll wear leggings underneath.

      I remember my mom making me wear them to church on Easter, that sort of thing, and I always hated them. The waist part is soooo tight, the crotch doesn’t line up with your actual crotch so you still get thigh rub, and if you walk near any kind of rough surface they just completely rip. Plus you can’t machine wash them. The last time I wore pantyhose was for a job interview 6 years ago, and I wore the sheer black kind, not the skin-colored kind… and I definitely bought them the day before and never wore them again.

    8. A Simple Narwhal*

      I like tights, I hate panty hose. For me, the distinction is texture. Tights are soft, panty hose are scratchy and have this weird feeling that makes my skin crawl. I have tons of flesh-colored tights (ice skater) so I’ve always worn those instead when the situation called for it.

      1. A Simple Narwhal*

        Oh and adding in that tights are super durable. I’ve gotten kicked by blades while wearing tights (again, ice skater ha) and they’ll maybe have a small hole. With panty hose you look at them funny and they’ll split all the way up your leg.

      2. Elizabeth West*

        I saved my skating tights that didn’t have holes in them–I still wear them under my leggings if I’m walking outside in cold weather. :)

    9. Charlotte Lucas*

      I like thicker, patterned tights when it’s cool out, & I do have some sheer black hose for when I want to be a bit dressier in the evening. Generally, in the US, beige, “nude,” tan, & brown pantyhose started to be seen as old-fashioned by the late 90s. Wearing hose with skirts stopped being seen as necessary for office wear & one more extra expense women had that men didn’t.

      When it’s really cold out, I wear sweater tights or leggings with my skirts. Or just forgo the skirts. (It gets cold enough where I live to wear leggings under dress pants or jeans just to keep warm.)

    10. ecnaseener*

      I think the distinction is pantyhose — too thin to really keep you warm, flimsy — vs real tights or even leggings. If it’s cold and I want to wear a skirt, I’m wearing woolen tights, leggings, and/or warm knee-high socks.

    11. GoryDetails*

      As someone who remembers having to wear stockings with an actual garter belt {shudder}, I really loved pantyhose when they first came out. (Even then I preferred knee socks, though they did leave my knees exposed to the icy winter winds; I recall wearing knee socks *over* pantyhose at times to deal with that.) Tights were also good for me, though they tended to get baggy pretty easily, and in summer were too hot.

      All that was when I was required to wear dresses to school, of course. Once I hit college and realized that no, I did NOT have to wear dresses, I migrated to a jeans-and-shirts style and have stayed there ever since. These days I don’t even wear dresses for “fancy” occasions, opting for a nice jacket and pants instead.

      1. Not A Manager*

        Back when I wore sheer things over my legs, I preferred a garter belt because the “panties built in” kind of pantyhose are tight and uncomfortable, and the “wear your own panties” kind of pantyhose get twisted and don’t stay in place.

    12. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I hate them because I have extremely long legs and I have NEVER found a brand that was the right proportionside to fit my legs and my hips/waist. Either they puddle at my ankles or they ride down so the crotch sesm rips or the go up to my bra strap. I did try garters but couldn’t find ones that were not itchy and did not make visible bumps in the fabric of a skirt.

    13. allathian*

      I’m not in the US, but for me they’re just too uncomfortable. I’m also fat with long legs and a short torso, so if I do wear pantyhose, the crotch will be somewhere mid-thigh, so that they don’t even help to eliminate chub rub.

      That said, because I prefer to keep my varicose-veined and cellulite-ridden legs out of the public eye, I won’t even consider wearing a skirt unless it’s about mid-calf or longer, and only when it’s so hot that jeans are intolerable. I wore an ankle-length skirt when we hit Berlin in July 2019, when it was 37 C/98 F in the shade.

    14. Katefish*

      American who moved to one of our cold climates as an adult. I prefer black tights because they’re less likely to run and stand up to weekly washings in the winter, at least for a few years until the elastic gives up. They’re also a heavier layer than pantyhose, which is nice in winter. I don’t like multiple layers on my legs so I do either pants or tights/skirt. In summer I have typical American disdain for pantyhose.

    15. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

      Slightly off topic, but weird trick to make pantyhose more comfortable to wear: ALWAYS get control top. Doesn’t matter if you are supermodel thin and Olympic gymnast fit, get the control top. The extra elastic means that the waist stays at your waist and the crotch stays at your crotch and life is so much better.

      1. Windchime*

        In my experience as a chubby, tall lady, “control top” equals “You will probably not be able to breath very well and if you sit for very long, your legs will go numb.”

        1. RussianInTexas*

          This! I hate control top with a passion.
          I don’t wear pantyhose in general anymore, for about 20 years (I live in Texas), but even for the opaque tights I wear with skirts and dresses during winter, I go out of my way to find ones without control top.
          I am shirt, midsection heavy, with skinnier legs. Control tops go to my chest, and make me feel like I am being suffocated.
          Torrid has microfiber black tights without control top, I buy them on the regular basis.

          1. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

            Huh, I wonder if it’s a body type thing? All my weight goes to my hips and thighs, so we’re basically opposites in that regard.

        2. Rusty Shackelford*

          In my experience as a chubby short apple-shaped lady, “control top” means “that too-tight waistband will roll down below your belly in about 5 minutes.”

      2. Ostomate*

        I can’t to control top AT ALL. I have an ostomy and control top hose are utterly terrible if you have an ostomy situated on your pelvis.

      3. Roci*

        My recommendation is to add an extra pair of underwear over the pantyhose, Superman-style. Keeps the crotch where it should be and it’s much more comfortable.

    16. Person from the Resume*

      I live in south Louisiana. 8 months out of the year it’s above 60 degrees F. It’s awful to wear panty hose in the heat and humidity. Plus the top part is usually unpleasantly tight even before somebody decided control top was a good idea.

      If I’m actually cold pants seem like a better idea but at least tights (non-sheer) have more weight and warm than sheer hose. They’re so thin I don’t think panty hose stop a cool breeze but they certainly make you hotter somehow.

      Maybe they seem old fashioned because it’s like you’re trying to both hide your legs from view while trying to make it appear that it is your actual skin. Whereas tights are obviously material so not trying to do the fake out.

      But also both uncomfortable top squeezing your belly (and seem to be accompanied by uncomfortable shoes).

    17. Workerbee*

      I grew up in an age or at least a setting where where girls had to wear tights or nylons with skirts and dresses. I don’t know if less care was given to little-girl clothing or we only were able to afford the baseline of products, but damn if those things weren’t itchy, twisty, tight, and uncomfortable. You couldn’t DO anything in that getup.

      Carrying forward into middle school, high school, even college, it was still the norm to wear nylons, especially in dress-up situations. And finding the right colors was a pain. It wasn’t always evident from the package that you were getting a much darker skin tone for your legs than the rest of you! It took me awhile to find sheer nudes, etc. And then sometimes the sheer black would look better instead, but be more obvious if there was a run.

      But despite following the guides on the package, there would still often be the issues of the crotch not quite lining up or hanging too low, or the stupid line of demarcation showing because your skirt was a little too short to accommodate the low thigh seams. And the waistband rolling. And always that fear of a snag. I kept clear nail polish around specifically to stop runs. It was impossible to forget I was wearing them. They would always be a featured show running in my head alongside the actual stuff I would be doing that day.

      So the societal/conventional impression I grew up with was definitely one that I as a female of the species must put even the flimsiest of coverings on my legs to be proper, no matter how annoying or uncomfortable. And they sure didn’t protect against the weather.

      Once I started working in earnest, I got more flexible—patterns!!—discovered brands that thoughtfully put the seams much higher up, and had a little more fun with it, both at work and out with friends…

      …but with the onset of fibroids, having to encase my abdomen/waist area like a sausage became a no-go. I’d experimented with thigh-highs, both the kind with the annoying garter belt and the kind that are supposed to stay stuck to you but don’t. Then I discovered the Kix’ies brand, which is totally awesome and solved both the sausage and the stay-up problem. (I highly recommend them.)

      However, by now, I have pretty much had it with nylons. All that legacy just makes me think they exist more for convention than a real need. And I have a whole separate shoes issue where even my most supportive, very-low-heeled dress shoes that typically go with nylons (or those invisible footies which are a whole other annoyance) are just not comfortable enough for me to bother with, especially after this year+ of not dressing up for anything.

      I do have more options with tights—the waist-free kind. And yet. I would just rather have fewer things to drag on these days, want my shoes to be truly foot-sized, want to be able not to think about what I’m wearing in relation to how I’m existing that day, if that makes sense.

      All that for a poor nylon! But perhaps it too is a microcosm for other things that exist for spurious reasons.

    18. Bucky Barnes*

      American in the south here. I rarely find a pair of sheer hose that are comfortable and don’t run. I don’t like them comfort-wise but prefer the look of them on me vs no hose. This might be why I wear pants to work 95% of the time.

    19. Dwight Schrute*

      Pantyhose seem totally pointless to me. They add zero warmth in the winter and they tear and run easily. I’d rather be bare skinned or wear leggings or a thick tight under a dress or skirt in the winter so I get actual warmth

    20. OyHiOh*

      I still wear hose when I wear skirts/dresses (early 40’s). I don’t feel dressed without and I don’t think I have particularly pretty legs for going bare – my legs don’t tan, like, ever, for one. I never, ever liked the thin nylons available in most department stores but my life changed when I discovered dance tights. Thicker, skin tone nylon that doesn’t run nearly as quickly, a little compression to smooth things out, and the waist is usually wider/more comfortable too, these are meant to be worn by dancers after all.

      1. Maxie's Mommy*

        I don’t tan, and I have scars on my legs from an accident. Dance tights are the stuff!

    21. londonedit*

      Confession time…I’m still not 100% clear what pantyhose are. Like sheer nude-coloured tights? We don’t use the word here (tights are tights, stockings are stockings) and it always confuses me. And the hatred and baggage that seems to go with pantyhose in the US also confuses me! Maybe we didn’t ever have the same rules about tights being mandatory for women in the workplace? I don’t know.

      I don’t generally tend to wear sheer nude tights unless it’s something like I’m going to a wedding and it’s not quite warm enough for bare legs but black tights would look wrong with the dress I’m wearing. But black tights in everyday life? Absolutely. I don’t have a problem with them at all! In the winter I’ll happily wear 60 or 80 denier black tights (from M&S), not an issue.

      1. KittyCardigans*

        Yes, sheer nude tights, but thinner than normal tights would be. I can see my moles and birthmarks through pantyhose (even black ones), but not through tights. They have a (generally deserved) reputation for being flimsy and running easily.

        I think in the US we might separate pantyhose vs. tights as distinct categories more than other countries do—most women I know are totally fine with tights, but I don’t think I know anybody under retirement age who still owns or wears pantyhose.

      3. Helvetica*

        On the terminology – same! I also use British English but I’ve understood that the nude sheer tights are what Americans would call pantyhose. And that’s also part of my question – why the baggage and hatred? There is a variety of hosiery, surely you can’t hate it all.

        1. RussianInTexas*

          I think, part of it, is a huge part of the US is much farther south than Europe, UK in particular.
          New York City is on about the same latitude as the south of France. We have hotter summers and warmer springs/falls ( of course there are cold area, but pantyhose wouldn’t help in the cold), and they are just too hot.
          People in Russia still wear hoisery, as far as I know.

          1. allathian*

            Yeah, I’m in Finland, and without the Gulf Stream our climate would be much colder than it actually is.

        2. allathian*

          It’s a question of terminology for sure. In my case, I hate all kinds of hosiery, no matter what the material, if it has a closed foot. I’m fat with long legs, and the closed foot makes it impossible to find anything that fits. Fat women with shorter legs or tall, slim women might feel differently. In the winter, or whenever the temperature drops below about 5 C, I wear thin leggings, I suppose about 80 denier, for warmth under my jeans, or slacks if I’m dressing up. They’re the equivalent of men’s long johns, except that I wear a pair of panties/knickers underneath so I can wear the same pair of leggings for more than one day.

      4. Buni*

        I love a pair of black 90s in the winter! The sheer / nude type I will literally only buy for weddings or black-tie events, and I buy them on the assumption that they are single-use and it’s just an added bonus if they last the night.

    22. matcha123*

      I’m American and growing up I hated wearing skirts. When I was forced into them, tights were what allowed me to do cartwheels without looking too scandalous. Now as an adult, I wear skirts more often and LOVE my tights. Thick ones in the winter, thin in the summer. I don’t like the feeling of my legs rubbing against each other. Plus they help hide spots I might have missed when shaving.

    23. Dark Macadamia*

      I just find them really uncomfortable and flimsy/cheap, but I think along with the “one way to be a woman” vibe Red Reader mentioned, they feel like a cartoon version of Business Lady (see also: shoulder pads). An 80s-90s “adult costume” rather than something actual people wear. I mentioned on that other thread that I wore them at the beginning of student teaching and my mentor teachers found it hilarious, which really solidified the sense that pantyhose = fake adulting.

    24. RagingADHD*

      It’s just a fashion trend. Anything that’s outdated becomes horrible and tacky for about 30 years, at which point it’s retro and cool.

    25. RussianInTexas*

      In the early 1990s water the fall of the Soviet Union, schools dropped the mandatory county wise uniforms, and each school “district” ( not quite the same thing as in the US) had to come up with the dress codes. Mine decided on no busy-colored clothing, no bright makeup, no large jewelry, no unnatural hair color, no lose long hair on girls, etc.
      And girls had to wear skirts with pantyhose, unless it was cold, then sweater tights were allowed. No pants. Boys were allowed to wear jeans.
      The parents (mother’s mostly) threw a collective fit – pantyhose don’t last, expensive, and cold. The district gave in and allowed pants for girls.
      Now, the funny part is, USSR had exclusively dresses for girls as uniforms (google them, they are fascinating), but we didn’t have the proper pantyhose, we had ribbed non super stretchy tights for the colder weather, and they sucked. And we had socks for the warm weather. So, barelegged, basically.

    26. KR*

      For me, tights make my feet and pelvic region sweaty. I tend to run hot so I’d much rather go bare-legged and be a little cold on my legs. When I lived in cold environments I would wear tight in the winter but now that I have lived in desert/tropical regions for a few years I would never willingly wear tights. Most of all I just hate feeling sweaty more than feeling cold.

    28. PhyllisB*

      Helvetica, I’m with you on the panty hose. Now full disclosure, I am an old lady (70) who lives in the South and when I was growing up the WELL DRESSED WOMAN did not leave the house without her stockings on, even if it was August and 100 degrees. I was a teenager before we had pantyhose.
      I’m not that rigid anymore, but I still like the looks of hose with a skirt. Besides, when you get to be A CERTAIN AGE your skin tone on your legs is not always the best. To me skin colored hose do for the legs what foundation does for the face; enhances the good, minimizes the bad. I do wear other colors that go with what I’m wearing, but skin colored is the most versatile. I have even been known to go barelegged when I wear a casual skirt and sandals, but I always feel underdressed.
      Of course my two daughters call me hopelessly old-fashioned, but whatever.

    29. Learning does not require pantyhose!*

      I went to a college (yes, college) where pantyhose (but not knee-highs/thigh-highs/tights) were required for all women during certain times of the day/days of the week, up until I was in the upper classes. It was supposed to be about “modesty” (which I never understood, really), and “professionalism”, but these rules had been determined by people who founded the school in the mid ’50s, I think. I have only worn them since for occasions where I feel I need to be super professional (job interview, if I’m wearing a skirt), or very dressed up. I’ll go bare-legged down to below 30F/0C (midwestern US) and just wear pants/leggings/anything but pantyhose below that. I’ll wear shapewear for thigh rub; I’ll wear knee-highs in place of thin socks, but I’ve gone through probably 100 pairs of pantyhose in college and don’t intend to go through more.

      Although, funny story, we once had a guest speaker come in and tell us (at a school-wide lecture, basically) how proud he was of having a rule at the high school he ran that the girls couldn’t wear pantyhose “to make their legs more shapely”. I don’t think he was expecting the dead, stony silence he got out of 2000 women students who were required to wear them largely against their will.

    30. Laura Petrie*

      Oooh from this thread I now know that ‘pantyhose’ has a specific meaning and isn’t just the US word for tights!

      I love black opaque tights. I hate my legs so prefer to keep them covered even in summer. I highly recommend Snag tights, they’re the best thing ever! I finally have tights that are long enough and I don’t have to spend my day pulling them back up or have a crotch down to my knees.

      I can’t remember the last time I wore sheer tights. My mum always grumbles at me for wearing black tights with everything but I really don’t care.

    31. Guin*

      I live in a cold area, and most women wear leggings when it’s cold, with short-ankle boots. Pantyhose are so uncomfortable and don’t keep your legs warm at all! With leggings, you can wear comfortable socks and not worry about sticking your toe through nylon and making a hole.

    32. Yes to Hose*

      I qualify as an old lady and I do not wear skirts without pantyhose because I’m getting creepy skin and hate it. However, I will not wear pantyhose with open toed shoes! Also they do provide a bit of warmth as well as shaping, depending on the type.

    33. SensitiveSkin*

      My dislike has several prongs:
      First (and the biggest): is that I cannot STAND the feeling of pantyhose. It literally makes my skin crawl. I have tried multiple different types (although none recently) including silk. Silk wasn’t bad, but the top still bothered me.
      Second: I get itchy easily, and trying to itch through pantyhose is an exercise in frustration. (Either I can’t get it to itch well or I end up getting runs)
      Third: I hate wearing tight clothes of any kind due to body image issues and pantyhose tend to exacerbate my dislike of my body and my self-consciousness. (Although, I can wear the right kind of leggings under a dress/skirt – so I realize this is weird.)
      Fourth: They make things hot.

  18. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

    Observation: The comment moderator seems to be a lot more aggressive since this week’s speed round? I think every comment I’ve posted on any of the posts since that day has gone immediately to the comment catcher. And of course I don’t mind waiting, none of what I have to say is that desperately urgent, but I feel like if that’s a general development and not just me, we’re going to see a lot of “I thought I posted this but it didn’t post, guess I’ll try again” multi-posting on this weekend’s thread (which will only increase the necessary moderation to release comments) as a result.

    1. Ask a Manager* Post author

      Ah! This is because you have an IP address very close to the IP address of someone who was sock puppeting all over yesterday’s post and I have them banned at the moment (it’s not you!). Can you bear with it for a week and then I’ll relax it? (Feel free to email me directly if it’s not fixed by then.)

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Hah! I wasn’t *actually* expecting it to be just me, but I suppose that is at least easier on you than it being everybody! No problem at all, you do what you gotta do and I’ll be patient :)

  19. Anon for this*

    How can you convince someone they need therapy?

    My mom grew up well below the poverty line. She was homeless from age 10 to 19, when she was finally able to rent a studio place for herself, her mom and 3 siblings. They went hungry a lot, went through people’s trash often, etc. Obviously there was never any spare cash.

    Mom went on to become fairly successful in her career, went to college, and now is solid middle class with large savings. But in many ways, her mind is still the teenager who needed to eat people’s garbage, and she’s terrified of spending any money on “frivolous things”. She’s always been a little like that, but it seems to have gotten a lot worse after I moved out, and especially after she retired.

    Her clothes are all from thrift stores and she now uses them even after they get holes. The only groceries she buys are the lowest quality cheap stuff, and she’s started hoarding food. Simple things like eating take-out or are inconceivable to her, even if I buy it. I’ve tried nudging her toward therapy multiple times, but to her that’s what rich people do (and there’s an implied “because they have nothing better to do” in that speech).

    I’m at my wit’s end. How can I help her?

    1. Princess Deviant*

      Have you talked to her about how you feel?
      Is she neglecting herself?
      I don’t think you can convince her to get therapy, but you might benefit from it yourself.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      People here will know there is a term, “impoverished mindset”? I am not sure if that is the one I am reaching for.
      But it’s pretty well recognized that kids of the depression era did much of the same thing.

      Sadly I know of a story where one such person inherited 7 digits of money. She never was able to grasp that she was wealthy. It gets so ingrained in them.

      As a kid of a depression kid, I had to stop myself from following my father’s tendencies. It was pretty normal to have 40 rolls of paper towels for a 3 person household. There was also 8 bottles of ketchup, when only one of us used ketchup. We had endless jars of relish and no one ate relish. This went on like this and when it was time to pay the bills, money was super tight. To this day it blows me away how much “money” was laying around the house in things that would take us YEARS to use up.

      It’s fear. And sometimes that fear never totally leaves them. I do suggest that you watch yourself. I could not learn budgeting, grocery shopping etc because my parents could not teach it. I forced myself to run my own household based on math. I know I need x rolls of tp per week, I need y rolls of paper towels per week. If paper goods were on sale, I set limits such as I would buy one month’s worth of tp and towels. If I did not set these limits I would not know where to stop. I did not see it growing up.

      Covid and the empty store shelves shook me up some what. I stared at the empty shelves and reminded myself this is what my parents saw growing up.
      I’d suggest that this comforts her in some small way and you may end up needing to decide if this is a giant you really want to take on. When my father passed, there were paper goods all over the basement. The bedroom was loaded with laundry baskets full of breakfast cereals. We did not buy much in groceries for months and months.

      1. Mourning reader*

        I’m trying to combat this mindset in myself. When my last family member died, he had what to me is a high sum in investments. But he was always bragging about the deal he got at Aldi’s and never spent much on anything. I had talked him into a Hawaii trip but we never made it. I don’t want to go hog wild, I want to be responsible, but it’s hard to let go of bargain shopping and checking the price of gas. I will admit some satisfaction in Covid times of having a fully stocked pantry.

        Finished my last jar of my brother’s Miracle Whip last month….

        1. Dan*

          Well, it’s also true that lots of people who come into significant sums of wealth suddenly mismanage it and blow through it quickly. See “professional athlete” and “lottery winner”. And keep in mind that people who built their own wealth *built* wealth in part by keeping their daily expenses relatively frugal such that there was wealth to actually accumulate. So there’s lots to be said for having money and not being stupid with it.

          It’s funny. If I were to inherit $1 million right now, it would be a life changing amount of money. I’d pay off my student loans and go buy a house tomorrow. But I’d still need to keep my job, because quite frankly, housing where I live would chew up most of that mil.

        2. RagingADHD*

          Bargain shopping and looking for good gas prices aren’t harmful in themselves, particularly when it’s for commodity items that you don’t experience much differently no matter how much they cost. Sensible frugality is a good thing.

          It’s when you deny yourself good experiences that you could afford, or spend more time and effort than the savings is worth – that’s when it’s undermining your enjoyment of life.

          I’d still shop at Aldi if I were a millionaire, because it’s the newest and best-organized grocery around here, and I can shop much faster because I don’t have to hunt through five dozen brands of the same thing to find what I want.

          But I’m not going to buy cheap shoes if I can afford good ones, and I would never fly coach of I could afford business class, because you feel that!

      2. Dan*

        Heh. I’m sitting on 40 rolls of toilet paper for a one-person household. (8 bottles of ketchup, not so much.) I honestly never thought about how long a 24 pack of TP lasts me, and when TP shortages became a think last year, I bought two. I did go through an entire pack, and then there were noises about another possible TP shortage, so I bought another 24 pack last week. Paper towels are a similar deal, I just buy the bulk pack and stick it in my closet.

        Sitting on a stash of TP doesn’t bother me so much, because that TP will ultimately get used, and if it’s cheaper in bulk then so be it. But hordes of ketchup and relish that won’t get used is literally wasting money. “Sales” are only a “deal” if you’ll actually use the product.

        That said, I must be the only person who hates Costco. My ex and I had a membership for a year. Every time I’d go, I’d spend like $300. I wasn’t “saving” anything, especially when it came to food that would spoil before I got through it all. And Costco is a bit out of the way for me, so going for “just one thing” is a bit of a waste of time.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          I really agree about Costco and these other places. I get a free membership to BJs once a year and I go once a year. That’s enough. I go for products that I can’t find else where. I bought a really great clothes drying rack one year and an excellent snow shovel another year. I worked with someone who had a family of four. I live alone. We’d stand in the check out line together and comment on each other’s carts. Our choices were wildly different. My cohort did not have 8 bottles of ketchup, though.

          Overhead costs are definitely an at-home thing and not just a business concern.

        2. Elizabeth West*

          Same for me–I’m one person, so I don’t really need that amount of anything. Grocery store-sized bulk packs are enough. As far as emergency supplies, I have a small stash that gets rotated anyway, just enough to hold me until whatever.

      3. Seal*

        That was my father, who grew up poor on a series of farms during the Depression. Despite being able to go to college and make a good living, he was a notorious cheapskate. He took over grocery shopping when I was in junior high in the 70s because he thought my mother bought too many “extras”. Well after us kids were out of the house, he kept the pantry stocked with dozens of cans of soup and at one count 30 bottles of salad dressing. He was also a fan of garage sales, because he could by lots of useless junk for next to nothing. When he died, it took my mother over a year to get rid of all of the stuff he’d accumulated. Had my mother died first, I’m sure my father would have wound up living in a trash house. In his case, it was definitely generational; at least one of his sisters had the same tendencies.

      4. PhyllisB*

        Yep, my dad was a neat, organized hoarder. He saved EVERYTHING!! His last couple of years he spent a lot of time in the hospital, and he even saved his salt, pepper, and sugar packets. I kid you not, I didn’t have to buy any of those three items for a year.

    3. WS*

      My grandparents grew up in the Depression, so that’s how they were their whole lives (and so were most of their friends). They both had good jobs and had plenty of savings and owned property, but they scrimped their whole lives. I don’t think that’s an issue in itself, but where your mother has got to – wearing clothes with holes and hoarding food – is an issue. Does she see a doctor? Could you let her doctor know about this? The doctor won’t be able to share her medical details with you without her permission, but they will be able to investigate what’s going on and why things are getting worse.

      1. Wishing You Well*

        Yup, I think a call to your mom’s doctor is your first step. Therapy won’t help if your mom has a worsening medical problem. It could be anything. A thorough medical workup is in order, if she hasn’t done this recently. You’ll have a better idea on what to do after the medical exam.
        If your mom needs therapy but refuses, you can’t make her. Untreated anxiety is a big problem in the elderly. She may need to have someone check up on her at least once a week. There are resources at the county level in the U.S. under Area Agency on Aging. They can help you with an aging parent. There’s help out there.
        Best of Luck

    4. nep*

      Just my 2 cents…I would be quite put off by someone suggesting I need therapy.
      Seems to me that much like an addict has to decide it’s time, it’s only when a person decides ‘I want to seek therapy’ that that will / should happen.
      What would be gained by her getting therapy? Has she expressed a need for help?

    5. Orlanda*

      You can’t. Therapy will only help if she engages with it by choice. You can’t make her, and trying to will be counter-productive.

      You can tell her how you feel. If she expresses dissatisfaction or unhappiness with these issues herself, you can suggest that therapy could help her. If she expresses her negative views on therapy, you can gently challenge those.

      But you can’t make her go to therapy. And you can’t help her if she isn’t willing to be helped. You need to make your peace with that.

    6. Disco Janet*

      I wouldn’t start off with suggesting therapy. First I would talk to her about it. “Mom, I’m worried about you. I know growing up having to worry so much about money must have been really difficult – but it concerns me that even now, you don’t want to spend money on anything nice for yourself. You’re doing well enough financially that you don’t need to keep wearing clothes even when they’re so worn they get holes, or never eat take out or buy groceries that aren’t the cheapest kind. Is it just tough to get your brain to adjust to the fact that you can afford those things now?”

      I realize the answer there is obvious. But hopefully it could open up a conversation. If not, I don’t know there’s much you can do here. If she were starving herself, my answer would be different. But it sounds like that’s not the case.

    7. CJM*

      My mom was a Depression-era baby from a poor family who built a sizeable estate. But she didn’t enjoy her money and fretted over even small expenditures. Her fear of running out of money ran her life, and she anxiously hoarded her assets and denied herself many pleasures.

      When my mom fretted to me about money, I reassured her that she had plenty and encouraged her to enjoy some of it. That was most of my influence: coaching her to relax. I also advised her to talk with her pastor when her anxiety spiked, and sometimes she did. That was the only counseling she’d consider. Because she was religious, I wrote out for her the verse about not being anxious and reminded her about it in phone calls. None of my efforts led to big changes, but I think I helped her a little. (I know I helped myself by not expecting to change her.)

      I could have stopped her when she fretted too much at me, and maybe I should have to protect myself from spillover anxiety. It would have been okay to tell her we’d already been over that, and I wasn’t up to discussing it again then, but maybe another day.

      Reading this thread, I’m reminded that I have anxiety about spending my money. I didn’t mean to adopt my mother’s example (even in diluted form), and I’m working on it.

      1. Filosofickle*

        Whenever I said to my grandmother: You have the money for x, it’s okay to spend it. She would always respond: If I spent money like that, I wouldn’t have it. Never could win that argument!

        Happily she wasn’t super extreme, no holey clothes and she did take some trips. But when she wanted a ride to the doctor when we all had to work and she had money for a cab it was a little frustrating…

      2. Not So NewReader*

        I really did not mean to adopt my father’s example either. But lacking anything else, it became a sort of default response.
        There’s a Jackie Onassis quote something about interior decorating being a self-discipline. Well, if you can afford it why not buy it? Right? nope. On the other end of the spectrum is learning to shift thinking that the old frugal ways are no longer that necessary. That too can be a discipline to train the brain to adapt to the current setting.
        Nothing scientific, just personal observation: The younger they are when they start to try to change their mindset then the better results they get. My family member was well into her 80s when she inherited a $1M. We had NO ability to talk her in to eating the food she wanted. She got it in her head that she was going to eat less food so the home would not bill her so much. While she had a healthy financial setting, she might just as well have been dead broke. I landed on that it was probably more fair to her to let her decide how to handle her circumstances than for me to push the issue too hard with her. All that pushing stops making sense after a bit.

    8. Anonymous for this*

      The only way I got my husband to go to therapy was to ask him to go with me. He did because my depression was so bad I wasn’t able to go otherwise. All the insurance paperwork was written up for me, but the counselor involved him in the conversations too. He still doesn’t think of it as joint counseling, but I saw behavioral changes in him.

    9. Dan*

      You can’t. Therapy is only going to work if people want to change, and if they don’t want to change, then so be it. It’s not clear to me that your mother is harming herself or others, so I think you have to let it go. The young’ins are running around in clothes they bought with holes already in them, you know?

      I empathize with your mother. A lot. While my situation wasn’t as bad as what your mom grew up with, it’s hard to shake some of those feelings. Even now, there’s a nagging feeling of “what if.” What if I lose my job? What if it takes me way longer to find a job than I planned for?

      The lived experience never goes away. You can’t forget it. And in some ways, telling your mom she needs therapy is akin to telling her to forget her past, or otherwise trying to invalidate that her lived experience wasn’t real. Which is a non-starter, because it *was* real. So it comes down to you think she should be living her life in a particular way, and she doesn’t agree with you. That’s all this is, at least based on what you described.

      1. RC Rascal*

        The third paragraph hits this on the head. Once a person has faced being really, really, poor, that fear never goes away. When you tell her she needs help, she will only hear that you don’t understand her.

        I had a very long term (multi year) bout of unemployment at an earlier point in my life, that also involved having to declare Chapter 7 bankruptcy. It was traumatizing. Today, I am laid off again and have plenty of assets, but I still get worked up by even a small unexpected bill or a grocery bill that is larger than I expected.

        For me, the only thing that calms me is having a source of income. It may help your mom psychologically to get a part time job, even if it only pays pocket/grocery money. That might make her feel like she has more control of the situation.

    10. Not A Manager*

      You say that eating take-out is inconceivable to your mother even if you buy it. I’m very curious about this. Does she literally refuse to eat if you order in? Does she refuse to go with you to a restaurant?

      I’m thinking about this because my family was immigrants on all of my grandparents’ sides. They’d been poor in the old country and they started out poor in the U.S. One grandparent grew up on a subsistence farm in the U.S. (after fleeing even worse childhood poverty in the old country), and she never got over it. The hoarding and perceived food insecurity trickled down to my parents and then to me, in less extreme forms.

      BUT… even though my family members had these insecurities, I and others in the younger generation were able to tease and bully them into spending some of their own money, and we certainly were allowed to take them out and treat them and buy them gifts. So if your mother is someone who hoards on her own behalf and won’t buy herself stuff, the first thing I’d suggest is addressing immediate issues when they arise. In my family it would have been done in a slightly teasing/bullying tone because that’s how it would be perceived as loving. “Mom! You’re wearing those clothes with holes again. You look ridiculous. Tomorrow we are going into a real store and buying you some real clothes.” In my family, I would offer to buy them for her and she would refuse but be shamed into going with me, or she would accept my buying some but not all. (It wouldn’t all be shame, by the way. She would like it that I was caring about how she looked and offering her an afternoon out.) The same for food. If she was eating low quality stuff, I would have said “Mom, you are worth more than this. Let me take you out to [decent but not expensive restaurant].”

      If your mom would respond to some variation of this, I wouldn’t try to push her into t h e r a p y. I’d use whatever counts as love language to her, call out individual things at the moment, and suggest an alternative. If she’s price-sensitive, she might respond to sales and bargains. “They’re having an early-bird special at the restaurant,” “I got these new clothes for you because they were on sale and I couldn’t pass them up,” “the grocery store was offering BOGO on this treat.”

      But if your mom won’t allow even another person to spend money on her for her own enjoyment, then I’d wonder about real anxiety. In that case, I might not suggest t h e r a p y to her as a way to “fix” things like wearing raggedy clothing, but rather in a big-picture way of “you seem to be very anxious and I think it’s affecting your overall quality of life.” She might honestly respond better to a medical visit than to c o u n s e l i n g. Let the doctor suggest what the next step should be.

    11. RagingADHD*

      There’s really no way to convince people they need therapy because their behavior is upsetting you.

      People seek therapy because they need help with their problems. She doesn’t think she has problems, she think she’s correct.

      I’m not saying she’s being reasonable or living her best life — obviously not! But you can’t make her want to change unless there’s some way this lifestyle is harming her — that she feels and believes is a problem.

      1. Dan*

        I’m going to push back on some of this. First, I’d say that there’s really no *reason* to convince people they need therapy just because their behavior upsets someone else. And you get to the heart of this in your second paragraph.

        As for whether mom is living her best life, that really comes down to value judgements and opinion, doesn’t it? If mom is satisfied with the life she has, I don’t really think it’s anybody’s place to suggest otherwise. I’d feel otherwise if mom was miserable, but until there’s any real indication of that, it’s best to just let things be. Whether or not it’s the life the rest of us wants matters not in the least.

        I come at this from the perspective of someone who has wildly different opinions about life than my mother does. She makes her choices, I make mine, and we don’t see eye to eye on much (well, pretty much nothing). And as long as mom thinks this is a “me” problem, then nothing’s going to change.

        1. RagingADHD*

          I think the OPs observation that her mom is missing out and not enjoying her retirement due to these irrational money worries is valid.

          1) She describes her mom as “terrified” of spending money on anything but bare necessities. Not content, not indifferent – terrified.

          2) Her mom is eating low-quality food because it’s the cheapest. Not because she likes it. There are high quality cheap foods – beans, rice, seasonal produce, etc. But low quality cheap food is full of salt, sugar, and additives that affect your health more and more as you age.

          3) Mom is refusing to participate in normal social activities with her family that involve restaurant food, to the point that she won’t eat it even if someone else pays for it. Not because she doesn’t like spending time with them. This is anxiety projecting outward to control others, and it’s going to have a negative impact on family relationships.

          Sadly, the LW doesn’t have much ability to address the problem. But the problem isn’t just a matter of opinion.

    12. Anonnington*

      The solution is up to her. Therapy works better for some people than others, and it’s ultimately her choice.

      Your options:

      Talk to her about your concerns.

      Distance yourself emotionally from her problems. They are not your problems, and there’s only so much you can do.

    13. Sleeping Late Every Day*

      Wanting her to get therapy kind of implies that you think she’s done her life wrong, instead of you being proud of her for overcoming the difficult start she had. My parents and in-laws all lived through the Depression and it definitely affected choices they made the rest of their lives. Look how Covid has affected everyone, and that’s been just a year! The Depression lasted much longer. My mother-in-law hardly ever bought anything new, and some of her used clothing choices were pretty strange – like cut off knit pants (unhemmed) to make shorts, and worn-out tops – but she’d wear the diamond pendant her husband bought her with that. I’d just quietly re-donate the wrong-sized used bras she’d give me from the thrift store. I wish I’d told them how proud I was of all of them, and I wonder if you’ve done that instead of thinking your Mom needs fixing? Maybe if she knew you admired her she wouldn’t be so fearful of the worst happening again?

    14. Not Australian*

      OMG, my mother was like this – grew up during WW2 and always had to economise and make things last as long as possible; even tried to persuade us to eat horsemeat because it was ‘cheap’. When she died, her apartment was stuffed with loose money – yet she thought she ‘wasn’t wealthy enough’ to take a taxi anywhere and would scrounge up and down the street looking for someone who would give her a lift.

  20. Interior design websites*

    Does anyone have any favorite interior design websites?

    We just bought a house and am looking for flooring, kitchen backsplash, etc ideas.

    Pinterest is fine but I seem to run into the same image pinned multiple times or non related pins.

    1. Dog Mom*

      I’d definitely recommend The Design Files at thedesignfiles.net

      My sister-in-law introduced me to it and I’m obsessed!

    2. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Following this. I used to love Apartment Therapy, back when it was very much oriented to DIY on a budget. I could use a replacement…. especially if the site has articles about identifying a good contractor. (I had a very bad experience with a roofer.)

    3. Reba*

      I enjoy Remodelista and its sub-sites (note, not for the faint of budget :) )

      Design sponge is no longer active, but the archives are there and excellent!

    4. fposte*

      Houzz has a lot, though it’s so big searching can be a challenge. I’m another following this thread for additional suggestions!

      Oh, and if you’re working with mid-mod style at all I love Retro Renovation. They’ve got people who are far more purist than I am but it’s really good about including resources and pointers to stock, whether you want a pink bathtub or just more period drawer pulls.

    5. RC Rascal*

      I recommend Retro Renovation if you buy a mid century home.

      Maria Killam runs a blog called “Color Me Happy” that is all about the use of color in interior design. It is very good. I highly recommend her if you are picking flooring and tile because she has lots of good advice and talks a lot about the mistakes people make and then hire professionals to attempt to correct.

      Apartment Therapy just isn’t what it used to be.

    6. Aphrodite*

      I read Houzz, Apartment Therapy, DigsDigs, Centsational Style, Ciao! Newport Beach, but especially like (retired interior designer/decorator) Laurel Bern’s blog. She’s no-nonsense and honest. But if you are looking for serious and experienced advice in general she’s damn good.

  21. Richard Hershberger*

    Book notes: I owe a thank you to those who some weeks back recommended Robertson Davies to me. I just finished The Fifth Business. It was excellent! I have downloaded The Manticore next. I am embarrassed that I went through all those decades of my life without knowing about him. I mentioned him to my mother, who has even more decades under her belt. She hadn’t either. It says something about the relationship between US and Canadian cultures that an important Canadian writer flies under the radar here.

    1. CJM*

      Thanks for the tip! I track book recommendations and added Robertson Davies.

      I fell hard for a book recommended here in a thread about books set in the Midwest: Praise the Human Season by Don Robertson. His insight and style moved me deeply, and I wish I’d discovered him sooner. Thank you to Astoria for that one! I’ll seek out others by the author.

    2. Cruciatus*

      I’m American and I admittedly only know the name from a Canadian group from the ’90s, Moxy Früvous, who mentions him in a fun song that’s on YouTube, My Baby Loves a Bunch of Authors.

      Now I’m pounding the ouzo
      with Mario Puzo
      Who’s a funny fella?
      W.P. Kinsella
      Who brought the cat?
      Would Margeret Atwood?
      Who needs a shave?
      He’s Robertson Davies!

      1. Richard Hershberger*

        D’oh! I love Moxy Früvous, and as soon as you named the song I had an “Of course!” reaction. But I hadn’t made the connection. And yes, Davies had a magnificent beard. Also, Kinsella is indeed funny.

    3. GoryDetails*

      I’ve enjoyed a lot of Canadian fiction – though I admit I never really warmed to Davies’ work for some reason. A few recommendations:

      Edward O. Phillips wrote some lovely character-driven novels, including his “Sunday” series featuring a late-middle-aged bisexual Montreal lawyer; SUNDAY’S CHILD is the first one, and the books tend to mix mystery/suspense plots with lots of delightful dialogue, daily-life scenes, and issues of aging. He’s also written standalone novels; THE MICE WILL PLAY is one of my favorites of those, about a 40-something woman with a colorful romantic history, who becomes the companion of an elderly lady in an attempt to build up her bank account. Wacky shenanigans ensue, with plenty of delightful touches about (again) aging and relationships. [This is a book that I’d dearly love to see filmed, though it might take another Preston Sturges to do it justice.]

      I’ve been dipping into books by indigenous authors, many of those Canadian, including:

      THE MARROW THIEVES by Cherie Dimaline, a dystopian SF novel for YA readers, with the surviving indigenous characters struggling to remain out of the clutches of the scientists who want to extract their DNA to restore the ability to dream that the rest of humanity has lost.

      LOVE AFTER THE END, edited by Joshua Whitehead, is subtitled “An Anthology of Two-Spirit and Indigiqueer Speculative Fiction”, and includes some impressive fantasy and/or SF stories.

      1. AGD*

        I just read THE MARROW THIEVES last week and it had me staring wide-eyed at the wall for a while afterward. In a good way!

        I don’t think I’d ever heard of Phillips and his work sounds up my alley! Investigating!

    4. Not A Manager*

      I love those books! It’s always fun to think of someone reading them for the first time and enjoying them. The Manticore is good but different from the other two.

    5. Marzipan*

      I love, love, love A Mixture of Frailties. I’ve read other bits of Robertson Davies but that’s the one I always come back to.

    6. Tacky B*

      If you’re looking for other good CanLit similar era to Davies, even though Davies’ Deptford Trilogy wasn’t published until the 70s: Sinclair Ross – As for Me and My House, and Hugh MacLennan – Two Solitudes.

    1. Teatime is Goodtime*

      I am not a natural with plants, so I’m always excited when I don’t kill things. I bought a tiny rose on whim last year and it not only survived but is flourishing!! I’m so excited. A couple of months ago I decided it went so well that I could pick up another one. It isn’t dead by a long shot (healthy green leaves), but all the buds withered and fell off…soooo not quite the success of the last, but I’m still excited because it seems to be otherwise fine. :)

      Next week I will hopefully be able to get some balcony-box plants to replace the ones that didn’t make it outside over winter. I’m learning!

      1. Venus*

        Did the flower buds fall off soon after you brought it home? They often sell plants in bud so that buyers are excited for the flowers, but the changes to sunlight and watering when they go to the store often mean that the buds don’t make it. It probably wasn’t anything to do with you!

        Good luck, sounds like you are doing everything right.

        1. Teatime is Goodtime*

          Oh this is good to know! Yes, it was basically immediately after I brought it home. I figure since the leaves don’t seem unhappy, it must be doing ok. :) Thank you so much for this insight!

          1. Venus*

            I often have a really good look at flower buds before buying a plant. There are no guarantees, but if the buds look dried up or can be easily knocked off the plant just by touching them then at least you won’t be disappointed when they drop off.

            I have a christmas cactus which I forgot to water for a bit, and most of the buds dried up. Thankfully more came out the next week, so hopefully you will have some success soon. Whatever happens, definitely know that it wasn’t you!

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I apparently have MUTANT GRASS – we sprayed down a couple different patches of grass and weeds with the KILLS EVERY LEAF THAT IT TOUCHES Roundup and none of it has batted an eyelash. So apparently I have to manually clear these patches. :P (On the plus side, the hosta that I spent three days trying to find, because apparently it was hidden in the middle of a patch of thistles where my husband found it with the Roundup nozzle, also survived just fine.)

      This weekend I am planting a couple of raspberry bushes and, if I manage to get these patches cleared, an assortment of bulbs that are reported to grow into orange flowers. :) Also, my gardenia has a flower, and my strawberry crowns are showing signs of new growth. I just had my front garden replanted with a bunch of things in November, so those are starting to show what they’re going to look like, and that’s exciting.

    3. Venus*

      My tomato and pepper seedlings continue to grow quickly, and I am looking at options to repot because they will soon outgrow their current trays. Although the weather is much cloudier this coming week so that should slow them down. I keep checking to see if the roots are coming out of the bottom of the trays, at which point I will be busy!

      I have a lot of seedlings and am thinking of selling them online in my local neighborhood since that’s an option. In the past I have given away to friends, family, and coworkers but I’m working from home and seeing few friends and family. Selling will help with some of the gardening costs for my two new raised beds, and they should be popular this year. Although I am putting more pressure on myself to keep them all alive!

      The narcissus are up and the tulips should be blooming soon. The asparagus is slowly growing and I look forward to a fresh veg that I don’t have to buy in stores! I need to get my raised bed up so that I can plant the sprouting potatoes given to me. It should be a busy weekend!

    4. pineapple mom*

      my pineapple has sent out a rather woody stalk (2-3 mm diameter) from the roots? I’m not sure what it is, it’s got little green things on the end, but not opened yet. It’s not a classic baby pineapple that grows from the crown. The poor thing is abused – north window, no real sunlight, and I think I forgot to water it for a month or two. And probably pot bound. If there is anyone knowledgeable in bromeliad reproduction, I’m all ears.

    5. Teapot Translator*

      There’s a Save the Bees project organized by some local beekeepers. I ordered some Lacy Phacelia seeds from them to support the cause. I’m not sure I’ll attract many bees as it’s rather windy where I live. I’m going to try and grow them in containers. Any tips?

    6. Aly_b*

      I’ve got cilantro, dill, and basil in the same container on my kitchen windowsill. It’s finally warmed up and gotten sunny, and the basil looks happy, but the cilantro and dill are looking really droopy. Did I mess up putting them all in the same container? Should I move the cilantro and dill somewhere cooler and shadier?

      1. Venus*

        It is so difficult to know without looking at them or knowing the history. And my experience is with plants in general, not with herbs specifically. My first thought is that droopy plants often aren’t getting enough water. Are you over- or under-watering? It is important to say that overwatered plants can have some of their roots killed off by drowning in water, so they appear to need more water but in fact are being killed by it (this effect is one reason why killing plants by overwatering is a thing).

        Plants use up different amounts of water based on both the temperature, sunlight, and their own metabolism. You might need to water them differently, which can be done in the same pot although be careful where you direct the water.

        Google tells me that dill and cilantro both prefer sun, same as basil, and cilantro needs deeper soil for a tap root. If they are in a window then if anything I might guess that they need more sun, although if the basil is happy then I’m guessing the others would be too. If you want to try putting them outside then look up how to harden off plants for outdoors, although my first guess with droopiness is watering.

        Good luck!

    7. HannahS*

      My tomato seedlings are about ready to be transplanted into their pots, or at least into yogurt containers until I get more pots…
      The miniature lemon is doing fine, but most of the baby lemons fell off, leaving just a few growing fruits. I think we’d better get some food for the plant, as it’s now in its growing season.

    8. Llama face!*

      My direct winter sown carrots are sprouting! We have a late spring in my province so are still intermittently having snow in between nice warm spring weather. I planted my carrots in a clear plastic tub with drainage/air holes and the carrots only took 8 days to start sprouting. They’ve weathered (pardon the pun) one snowy day just fine and I’m hoping will continue to do so.

      Also, I had a yellow onion in my pantry start sprouting so I divided it and now have 3 very happily growing baby onion plants.

    9. me*

      It will be unseasonably warm today – mid 80s, which is more like July weather.

      I’ll be planting my seed potatoes in some grow bags today. That’s about all I’m planting out for now, because we are going to be gone for a week. I’d love to get my tomato and pepper plants out of the basement, but there really is no reason to do so since we’ll be gone.

      My greens continue to grow well. DH is grabbing some various leaves each morning for his scrambled egg. I’m loving the return of the wasabi mustard because it’s such a wonderfully spicy leafy green.

      I keep looking at photos of flower containers. I have four big pots sitting on my porch, empty. I don’t dare grab any before I get back from my trip.

    10. CommunityGarden*

      Has anyone participated in a community garden?

      I’m moving to a city that has quite a few of these and am really intrigued. The waiting list is long and I don’t have a great storage option for gardening materials so it likely isn’t in the cards for me, but I’m still fascinated.

      Do they come with a lot of drama or has your experience mostly been fun?

      1. Comm garden*

        I was part of a community garden for a few years. Definitely some drama, and some people with very *definite* ideas of gardening. My particular garden had a lot of theft, so I migrated to roses after awhile. But still fun, there was a real sense of community that was fostered, it was fun for me to have my own dirt space to play in, living in a city.

      2. Venus*

        My family member loves theirs! I think it really depends on the culture of the organizers and the town or city. Have a look on the website to see if the rules are weirdly strict. And if the waiting period is several years (not unusual in a city, even pre-covid) then you have time to go over in the next couple years to see what people are growing and check references. I say that in a somewhat joking way, but honestly: find a few people and ask if they enjoy it, and if they are ok with people without experience. Even if you have experience, I think that’s a good test question as it’s a less direct way of saying “Are you jerks about new people?”

        Or even better since it matters to you, ask about tool sharing and storage options! That would hopefully give you a flavor for the culture. And maybe also ask about veggie theft based on Comm garden’s comment. If you are mostly interested in growing veggies then some big pots for tomatoes and peppers might be best.

    11. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I am breaking a bad habit and so so good. I am buying *very* few seeds and plants at any one time…and I’m actually getting them in the ground promptly. It had the nice side effect that I was able to protect the tender new ones from unexpected snow.
      The fig that we moved up from the garage has 3″ leaves, the Christmas cactus (Easter?) is in full bloom, and the tomato & wildflower seeds are sprouting.
      Its still too cold to plant the dahlia bulbs, but the one I overwintered in the basement is still alive…and I got a new one this morning, to keep at the office until it can be planted.
      I have not planted the black walnuts yet.

      1. Jackalope*

        How can you tell if they overwintered okay? We left ours in the ground and are starting to have spring in earnest, but they haven’t started coming up yet. Not sure if it’s just too early or if they’ve died.

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          I’m in New England so we have to bring dahlias inside. I have one little one in a flowerpot, and it has some straggly growth. The others are in their cool dark dry place waiting for ground to get warmer.
          But I’m new to dahlias, this is the 2nd year trying. Last year I overwintered in pots in a cool dark place, and they didn’t come up until so late I had already planted something else in the same pot on top of them. Dahlias and squash are not good neighbors LOL.

    12. YouwantmetodoWHAT?! *

      All the plants are growing & growing and looking good, even the one bean that my hubs thought that he’d killed! The seeds planted in my cutting garden are bigger everyday. Today we bought two varieties of cucumbers to go with the 5 (different!) tomatoes, the 3 beans, 2 eggplants and all that corn! Whoot! We do mostly earthbox style buckets, so no weeding and a reservoir of water. Not the cutting garden or beans & corn – hubs REALLY wanted a bean teepee! Haha!

    13. TiffIf*

      I live in a colder climate (we had freezing temperatures and a light dusting of snow this past week) so I can’t plant yet. I’m tentatively planning on putting plants in the ground first week of May and hopefully we don’t have another freak June freeze like we did last year that killed some of my plants. I plant a lot of tomatoes because I just love tomatoes, but I also plant bell peppers, onions, chives, cucumbers and butternut squash. I tried cantaloupe last year but they just died. I want to try to do a few more herbs this year too.

    14. Jackalope*

      Okay, it’s been an exciting few weeks in the Jackalope garden. We did a TON of planting today, and bought a lot more. Once all of our berries have been planted, we will have: raspberries (3 varieties), blueberries, boysenberries, thimbleberries, and huckleberries. I also bought a bunch of ferns since there’s a part of the yard underneath our big cedar tree that doesn’t grow anything; I made sure to get local ferns, whose native habitat is growing under cedar trees, so I’m hopeful that they’ll be happy. I may be overwhelmed by ferns in a few years but for now it will be nice! And I planted the third (and final) cherry tree today; originally there were only going to be two, but the internet disagreed with the nursery on the variety that I bought being self-fertile, so I got a cross-pollinating tree just in case (the other one is for sour cherries and for sure is self-fertile). Finally, we’ve got a mishmash of flowers that were basically whatever looked interesting at the nursery and we felt like trying out.

    15. Bobina*

      LOL. You guys. I haved in this flat for 4.5 years, and have always assumed that the top section of the retaining wall which gets full sun was dirt and that the neighbours had probably planted in it already. So I’ve been making do with trying to grow things in the tiny, tiny corner of my patio which gets a bit of midday sun and thats it. Then a few weeks ago I was like, I dont care, they dont seem to be doing anything with it and I want to see some colour there, I’ll buy some cheap annual wildflower seeds and plant them. So this morning I finally get on my ladder and go to take a look at it – its slabs of stone! And as no one is using it, I can put my plant pots there so they can get sun! All this time I could have had a spot with full sun *facepalm*

      So today I moved the grasses and irises onto the top wall section (and maybe the Irises will finally flower). And then I planted an assortment of flower seeds into containers and once they germinate, I’ll move them onto the wall as well. Also planted a bunch of crocosmias although they were from the cheap store and didnt look particularly healthy, so we’ll see how it goes with them.

      And after complaining last week, it looks like the ranunculus that I planted in November might be flowering soon (I see something that looks like bud action!). And its going to be warm enough to put the begonias outside soon – pleasantly surprised that I didnt kill them by planting them waaaay too early and then having to bring them back inside.

      1. Venus*

        I’m sorry you didn’t notice immediately, yet so nice that you did this year. Good for you! I wish your irises and grasses and seeds the best of sunny luck this year.

        1. Bobina*

          Thank you! I am so excited and hopeful for lots of colour in a few months. Hope you have lots of success with your many seedlings :)

    16. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Here’s an oddity I just saw in smithsonianmag dot com: “How to Germinate Seeds for Your Garden Using an Instant Pot”
      This is not for me, even if they DO say it’s for hot weather crops and warn us to harden off the poor little seedlings. But someone here might get a kick out of it.

  23. Puppy!*

    We are doing fine. Eight months old, a joy to be with. (I have failed crate training but will try again after this last bad round of chronic pain, this too shall pass)
    She is well socialized, healthy, and the darling of the neighborhood. The local paper ran her picture as ‘pet of the week’ People actually stop me on the street and ask, “Is this T?”
    At last count there are 9 amazing people on the Puppy! team.
    I would like to give a thank you gift to each but having a bit of trouble thinking of what. In addition to a a note of gratitude:
    A. a reproduction of a watercolor of my pup and another playing- about the size of post card. It is by an award winning artist. unframed. (is this too much like a teacher getting a portrait of a student for a holiday gift?)
    B. Homemade granola
    C. Suggestions please.

    1. Jellyfish*

      Personally, I think it’s odd to receive a picture of another person’s pet. Someone gave me a framed photo of their dog once, and my private reaction was largely, “what am I supposed to do with this??” I love dogs, and I’m glad to help with other’s pets, but I really only want fancy pictures of my own animals. I suppose other people might feel differently.

      The granola sounds nice though! Or maybe a small gift card or plant?

      1. Dog and cat fosterer*

        I could be wrong, but this seems more like an aunt or uncle getting a photo of a nibling for the fridge. The postcard size makes me think that it isn’t meant to be framed. And these are people who are actively involved in puppy’s care. I have a photo of my family’s favorite pets on the fridge, so maybe I’m biased.

        1. Windchime*

          For my cat’s first Christmas, I had a super cute professional portrait taken of him by my cousin. I sent them as Christmas cards to family and friends, but I also sent one to my vet because she had helped me with my old cat who had just died a few months before. She kept postcard up on her corkboard for several years. So I think that people do appreciate a postcard-sized print.

    2. Donna*

      I’d be weirded out by being given a picture of someone else’s pet. I don’t know what I’d do with that. I don’t have those sort of pictures of my own pets! I think that sort of thing might be best kept for family.

      I’d steer clear of food gifts, as there are too many ways for those to be unsuitable for people (allergies, food restrictions, dietary requirements, religious restrictions, not to mention simple preferences and dislikes – personally I dislike granola and wouldn’t eat it so receiving homemade granola wouldn’t be much of a gift for me. And homemade stuff is often tricky because you don’t know if it’s been exposed to other things you might be allergic to – there may not be peanuts in it, but I can’t be sure it hasn’t come in contact with peanuts in your home).

      If possible, I’d go for personalised gifts if you know these people well enough – think about what they like and tailor the gifts accordingly. I think something simple like a gift card to a coffee shop, a mug, a notebook, a bottle of wine (only if you know they drink wine!), a plant, fresh flowers, a photo frame (no picture of your dog in it though) etc. would be good.

      But honestly I think the heartfelt note is enough and likely to be more meaningful and appreciated by itself.

    3. AspiringGardener*

      Who are the people on this “team” and what are you thanking them for?

      If they are professionals (vets, trainers, dog walkers, groomers, etc) I would show them my thanks with positive reviews and referrals. No gift is needed.

      1. Puppy!*

        in keeping with the rules of the site, I have not been updating my original post.
        Short recap-
        I am physically disabled and although I have wanted a puppy, felt I wouldn’t be capable of caring for one.
        I was inspired to start thinking that it would be possible by this Ask a Manager posting
        https://www.askamanager.org/2016/05/my-company-wants-to-sponsor-me-for-a-service-dog-but-im-not-sure-i-should-accept.html
        My letter here
        https://www.askamanager.org/2020/12/another-person-got-their-dog.html

        Team Puppy! are friends who enable me to have a puppy. They come to my house daily to do playdates, dog walks, socialization. They are the puppy’s fairy god parents.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        I think you had/have dog walkers, OP? I think these are friends and others who are not paid? I think a thank you note is lovely and it’s enough. Just say something about how they made a difference in your life and the pup’s life. That would be endearing.

        1. Puppy!*

          yes, these are all friends who have been helping out with socialization, dog walking, training and sometimes just stopping by to play with her. Maybe I will make the picture into a notecard and write a note to each on how they have made a difference in my life and the puppy’s.

          1. CheeryO*

            That sounds nice! I think some of the people commenting are misunderstanding the situation. If your friends have helped a bunch, it’s nice to give them a little thank-you, and if they’ve spent a lot of time with your puppy, I’m sure they love her and would appreciate the picture. (Says the person who has a calendar featuring her SIL’s dog.)

            1. AspiringGardener*

              If these friends are close enough to Puppy! that they’re regularly giving their time to care for this dog, then surely Puppy! can figure out what they enjoy/appreciate. The way the post was worded seemed like these were professionals she was employing to provide these services for the dog.

          2. Velvet*

            That sounds lovely! Anyone who likes dogs enough to be on Team Puppy will love a pic of T.

          3. Purple Cat*

            THIS! Yes, a pic turned into a notecard with a thank-you note is absolutely the right thing.

    5. Dog and cat fosterer*

      Internet strangers know about puppies, but we don’t know your friends. I’m surprised by the negativity! I would cringe at an unplanned 36″×48″ gift of a picture of a pet, but one that can go on the fridge or desk? That sounds perfect! I have some in both places.

      I also love homemade granola. I know this thread is about gifts and puppy, but if you have a recipe that is worth sharing… ?

      Do what works for your friends. You know them so much better than we do!

      I’m wondering if there is a gift that you could give that would help their enjoyment of Puppy without being for puppy. But all I can think of are dog treats and toys.

      As a comment: I love that Team Puppy is up to 9 people. I think your first post was about how to get Puppy a long distance from the breeder, and it is a delight to see where you are now! My own pup is a similar age, and I can’t wait for them to settle a bit as my attempts to train not to jump on strangers has been difficult with covid. Things are improving and I hope in the next month or two the lesson is learned.

      For crate training, keep in mind that the problem for a lot of dogs is separation anxiety. The time your dog spends with Team Puupy, separated from you, is actually really good training for this. I started by giving mine something to chew on in another room. Or if puppy went elsewhere in my home then I would sneak to check that the room wasn’t being destroyed and otherwise leave things alone. Eventually I put pup in a crate with yummy food and built up the time in there, but it started much more simply. I also had a baby gate so pup couldn’t join me for meals, which caused a lot of complaints yet pup did eventually learn to settle. Good luck!

      1. AspiringGardener*

        Please don’t give these friends dog treats or dog toys! That is not a gift of appreciation.

      2. Puppy!*

        Oh this is a great idea. I am thinking we can crate her just before someone comes for a play date to start

  24. Sue Ellen*

    To follow up on this week’s question about going braless at work, I’d love to hear advice or experience from readers with boobs who choose to go braless in non-work situations. I’m content to follow professional norms at work, but I’m totally over changing my appearance to make other people comfortable. I’ve gone through successful braless phases in the past, but as my pandemic weight has made my boobs more noticeable, I’m anticipating a more complicated experience this time around.

    1. Asenath*

      I rarely wear a bra these days – generally only when exercising and sometimes when I’m going to some kind of appointment. I do have large breasts, but find that I am more comfortable without even my comfortable bras on. I also usually wear loose clothing, which may not disguise the non-bra fact as much as I think it does, but people don’t comment or stare, at least not that I’ve noticed. I was encouraged to leave off a bra by a radiation oncologist who warned that my skin might become sensitive – I was still working then, and never said a thing; just left off the bra and wore loose comfortable tops. And I just kept on doing it, more and more. At a recent mammogram, the tech seemed to expect that someone my size might have chafing from my bra – but there was none at all. If I needed an excuse, which I don’t, that’s it!

    2. Workerbee*

      I first read this as “readers whose boobs choose to go braless” and had quite the image of a parade of sentient boobs, all grinning, leading their owners down the street.

      Back to reality: In non-work situations, it depends on the situation. If I was with my goth friends in the going-to-the-bar days, you were fine as long as you had a layer on—be that a sheer top or electrical tape. If I’m with a different set of friends, I may default to what I do for work, which is popover tops (a floaty layer attached to a cami), structured dresses, patterns, etc.

      Sometimes it’s a little more obvious that I’m not wearing upholstery, but I haven’t encountered any adverse effects, at least not to my face, as it were.

      Bicycling, well, I may have to concede a point if I’m going for an appreciable distance.

    3. Reba*

      I go braless most of the time and here’s my 2 cents, from a small-busted person. I feel comfortable with 2 layers (or one thicker layer, depending on the garment). I just don’t usually like going out with only a thin t shirt or whatever. I have a drawerful of close-fitting camisoles and tank tops and so I just layer up. (Loft and Uniqlo are my main sources) That works for me on all but the hottest days.

    4. Queer Earthling*

      I’ve been more or less braless since about 2019, though on occasion I wear a stretchy bralette. I’m a blogger and homemaker so I never have to worry about looking professional. Also, if it’s relevant, I’m fat but not super busty, with something like a C cup (and they’re, you know, soft with age, not perky), and I live in a rural area in the south. My wardrobe is mostly tank tops and pants or skater dresses. So, here’s what I’ve noticed:

      Nobody cares if I’m wearing a bra.

      I go to stores, I go to the doctor’s office, I go for walks without a bra. (I do put something on if it’s a vigorous walk, though.) I have never once noticed anyone staring at my chest. If someone were to comment or criticize, I would seriously just ask them why they’re looking in the first place. But no one has.

    5. MEH Squared (formerly MEH)*

      Big-boob haver here (DDD/FF)! I rarely wear a bra and I would add the caveat that I WFH, even in the Before Times. I wear a sports bra when I do taiji (tai chi) and a bra for important occasions if I feel like it. Otherwise, I go braless and wear a sweatshirt in the winter and a loose t-shirt in the summer. I wear a tank top around the house and don’t care if anyone sees me when I venture outside. I haven’t worn a bra on the daily for decades and couldn’t be happier.

    6. Not A Manager*

      “I’ve gone through successful braless phases in the past, but as my pandemic weight has made my boobs more noticeable, I’m anticipating a more complicated experience this time around.”

      What are you anticipating? If you’re over changing your appearance to make other people comfortable, then what do you think will happen and why do you think that will complicate your experience?

    7. freeee*

      I think I transitioned to braless gradually. In july 2018 (winter in southern hemisphere ) , I stopped wearing a bra when I was wearing thermal inner layers. I hated having to go back to bras in the summer, but stopped wearing them at home. I’d feel incredibly conscious when we had guests or random trips to the supermarket , that people would know in one glance because my nipples were peeking out, but I gradually stopped thinking about it.
      Wore bras in summer 2018 and hated it. Such a relief to go back to no bras in winter.
      And then, summer 2019, I slowly stopped wearing a bra going to uni with certain tops that don’t make it obvious that I am not wearing a bra. Although, tbh, this set of tops grew bigger over time. And summer 2020, during the pandemic, i just choose not to wear clingy tops instead of wearing a bra underneath.

      I’m starting a job next month and I am totally afraid of dressing unprofessionally when we get back to the office (in six months is the current estimate, which will be summer here)

    8. ain't no bras on me*

      I don’t know why I have been reluctant to chime in on these threads.
      Bras.
      I hate them. I have a sensitivity disorder. I barely tolerate clothing. I hate seams. I wear seamless, tag-less tanks a few sizes too big. in the winter cuddle duds or something long underwear like. Loose soft tops or dresses. cotton. (washed many, many times) I am not small but I am also not large. If you are looking for it, you can see I am not wearing a bra. I have breasts. Just like I have a nose. Just like I have arms.
      Yes, I have been measured by Professionals including the ladies on Broadway on the west side. yes Macys. In my early professional career I have bought many, many bras. I couldn’t tolerate a full day in any of them. I would be pulling them off through the sleeves of my shirt by noon.
      It doesn’t matter how expensive etc. Just no.
      I wear a stretchy sports bra inside out when I exercise for comfort. The second I get in the house or in the locker room, off it comes.
      I buy a new bra every time I do a job interview. (so that is 3 bras in 20 years for those who are keeping score)
      At work I layer with a soft knit or felted jacket.
      That said, my not wearing a bra has never been commented on to me. If other people are chatting about my appearance it is none of my business.

  25. nep*

    Anyone read Natalia Ginzburg? I only just learned of her a couple weeks back. Picked up a book of essays at the library. I’ve read just two so far, but I really like her writing. Looking forward to reading more.

    1. sequined histories*

      I love her! I studied a Italian for a bit, so I have read some in translation and some in the original. The first book I read was her novella Family/Famiglia.

    2. Old and Don’t Care*

      She’s been having a bit of a moment over the past couple years. I picked up one of her novels after reading a New Yorker article about her. Haven’t read it yet but it’s on the list.

      1. nep*

        Right–When I got this book I looked her up and saw that New Yorker piece from a couple years ago.

    1. Teapot Translator*

      My adventures with tofu continue. I tried the peanut marinade again, but replaced some of the soy sauce with broth as someone suggested. Unfortunately, I put too much sriracha. So spicy. But I think I’m on the right track.
      Also, I tried another brand of firm tofu (my first experiment was with extra-firm tofu). It was harder to handle, but has a better texture for eating.

      1. Teatime is Goodtime*

        I am so excited that you’re finding tofu you like! I feel like it is one of those foods that can work beautifully when done right, but there are so many different kinds and it is easy to buy the wrong one for the thing you’re trying to do… so good on you for experimenting! I’ve enjoyed reading about it, thanks for sharing. :) And now I want peanut sauce.

    2. Pregnant during COVID*

      I just purchased the book Fast Burn by Dr Ian Smith after seeing it on Good Morning America this week. I’m not one for fad diets but this book’s POV seems more common sense of making sure to have fiber and protein at every meal and snack occasion. I made the breakfast smoothie and Greek energy bowl shared on the show and we really enjoyed both – even the 4 year old. I have another 15 pounds of baby weight to lose so I’m interested in trying the other recipes in the book, while loosely following its 9 week plan.

    3. Teatime is Goodtime*

      My adventures in sourdough continue! I did something right, but I’m not sure what: my last boule exploded upwards in the oven, even though I rather de-gassed it at the shaping stage. It was too soupy after the bulk ferment (probably too long?), so I added some flour and resigned myself…and then BOOM. So surprising! I hope I can replicate it with a sourer taste this weekend. Wish me luck! :)

      Other than that: it is white asparagus season where I am and I tried cooking it for the first time! It went well. I also bought some green and made some great cheesy garlicy mashed potatoes to go along with that.

    4. GoryDetails*

      I’m still dabbling with my Hello Fresh subscription, though after a few weeks I’m noticing a certain sameness in the styles of meals – which makes sense, as they have to be something that can be packaged and prepared fairly easily. But I just had one that I expect I’ll add to a regular meal rotation – a sausage-and-peppers risotto. As a one-pot meal it was easy to prepare (even allowing for the risotto process of adding small amounts of warm broth to the rice at intervals), the ingredients were things I generally have on hand, it could be varied easily by changing the seasonings or the protein or the vegetables, and it tasted really, really good!

    5. Queer Earthling*

      My spouse had (elective!) surgery on Monday, and their other partner (we’re a poly household) works 90000 hours a week, so I’ve been doing tons and tons of crock pot meals and casseroles this past week, with a goal of having as little prep work or dishes as possible, and with as much leftover yield as I can.

      So far it’s been pretty successful! I’ve made some nice stuff but my favorite was the crock pot mac & cheese I made without a recipe or even any certainty that it would work, and it’s super adaptable and I’m really excited to keep making it.
      -a box/bag of noodles in the bottom of the crock pot (i used cavatappi)
      -enough liquid to cover them (I used mostly low sodium chicken broth with a little milk)
      -1 can of broccoli cheese soup
      -a cup or so of grated cheese I think (idk I kept going in and adding more while it cooked, I really like cheese)
      -some baby spinach because I wanted to use it up before it went bad
      -1 bag of frozen prepared chicken cubes
      -a handful of bacon bits
      -basil & oregano

      It took like 3 hours on high for the noodles to cook and all the liquid to turn into a creamy, cheesy sauce, and there was some protein and vegetable involved instead of just Cheesy Carb. (As a midwesterner, I love Cheesy Carb, but you know.) Everyone in the household was obsessed, AND it’s super filling so I was left with tons of leftovers.

    6. Filosofickle*

      I decided my body hasn’t felt great for awhile now and remembered that my body did feel great when I spent time in Taiwan/Japan. What was different there was a lot less dairy, wheat, and meat. Though I really don’t think meat is the issue, I do want to eat less for environmental reasons. I suspect too much wheat is most likely the problem.

      Last week I planned 3 veg dinners along these lines: Roasted chickpea and kale salad with tahini dressing (big winner); Broccoli and mushroom with farro bowl; and a sheetpan feta with tomatoes and broccoli (that’s tonight). Damn I’m hungry.

      Anyone have any ideas for breakfast without wheat or dairy, and also without egg and banana due to my allergies? Ugh.

      1. D'Euly*

        Oatmeal with water or non-dairy milk; I like to add peanut butter and raisins but I am aware that most people think that’s terrible. Cook some fruit right in it if you like, add nuts or seeds on top.
        Savory rice porridge–a little sesame oil or soy sauce or green onions perks it right up. Add some tofu at the end or a little canned tuna or salmon if you need protein.
        If you can handle a tortilla wrap, I really like breakfast burritos with crumbled tofu replacing egg.

      2. Teatime is Goodtime*

        We’ve been eating buckwheat for breakfast a lot recently (also called kasha). This seems to have come over to the US as the “with egg” version, but we just buy the pre-roasted grain and cook it like couscous (cooking for 10 minutes in salted water, then cover and let sit for 15, then drain and eat). I eat mine with butter, herbs and cheese, my husband eats his with olive oil, flax seeds and different herbs and my two year old inhales it plain. I’ve also done a sweet version with yoghurt and jam. Leftovers get inhaled by my toddler or put over our salads.

        I have heard people say that it has a slightly bitter taste, but I do not think so. The same people find that with whole-grain noodles, so maybe that is marker? I don’t know, but I wanted to flag it just in case. :)

        1. Teatime is Goodtime*

          I just realized that although buckwheat is different, it still might be too wheat-like to be useful to you. Sorry, reading-comprehension brain-fail! I’m sure this could work with other grains, though.

          1. Filosofickle*

            Thanks! At this point in my exploration I don’t think i have a severe wheat problem, where I can’t have any and I suspect the less processed wheats (farro, buckwheat etc) will be okay. And maybe just less wheat/bread overall. I also think yogurt will end up being okay. But it’s hard to say. :(

            1. Emma2*

              Buckwheat, despite the name, is actually not related to wheat – it is technically a pseudocereal and it is gluten free. Obviously there are other reasons that someone might not be able to tolerate it, but if you have an issue specifically with wheat, buckwheat should not be a problem.

        2. RussianInTexas*

          Buckwheat is a staple side in Russia and some other Easter European countries. As a savory side, with butter and herbs, or as a breakfast, something with milk and sugar, sometimes with butter and fruit.
          It’s very nutritious and naturally gluten free, not being grain, but grass. It is strange to me it have not taken off in the US yet as a superfood.
          Also, “kasha” in Russian is any porridge. :) You can have rice kasha, cream of wheat kasha, pumpkin kasha, etc.

          1. Teatime is Goodtime*

            Yes, the pre-roasted version we buy is imported from Russia! We found other versions too, but we never could roast it as perfectly.
            And thank you for the information about the word kasha! I did not know that. :)

              1. Teatime is Goodtime*

                Oh, I’m so sorry: I saw this very late! I’m afraid I don’t have a good head for names (I could describe the packaging to you, but I can’t remember the name), and I don’t have one on hand. However, I will be going to the shop this coming week, I hope, and I already planned to pick up more. I’ll post next week for sure.

                That said, I do want to add: I’m not living in the US at the moment, so it may not be a brand that is available where you are.

      3. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Congee! Rice porridge with many variations. Leftovers from the previous night are just one option.

    7. violet04*

      I had a cooking fail this week. I bought panko bread crumbs to try a recipe for chicken parmesan. I failed to notice I had bought *coconut* flavored panko bread crumbs. I thought I smelled something while I was breading the chicken, but I didn’t realize my mistake until I cooked the food. Luckily it was still edible, but I’ll have to try the recipe again with the proper ingredients.

    8. Girasol*

      I’m working on bread with the poolish method, where you start purchased yeast working in a batter the night before and finish off the next day. I’m still trying to figure out why I can’t get yeast to rise well since we moved fifteen miles from our old place, even though I make sure not to use the tap water. Sourdough worked well but my husband didn’t favor the flavor. The poolish method is showing promise. Now if I can just get proportions where I want them we’ll be all set.

    9. Slinky*

      When I lived in Seattle, I used to get delivery from a local pizza chain called Pagliacci. Every December, they’d have a seasonal special called the Pear Primo, which included pears, gorgonzola, red onions, walnuts, and sauteed mushrooms. I haven’t tasted it since 2006. I am going to try to create a version of it tonight using sourdough focaccia as the base.

      1. Teatime is Goodtime*

        Ooooh Pagliacci… :) Thanks for stirring some great memories!
        And ooh sourdough focaccia! :D

    10. RussianInTexas*

      My partner smokes a lot of meats last Saturday for a small get together, and we only ran out of the leftovers in Thursday.
      Tonigh is shrimp boil at home, they are in season and cheap, and my grocery store tricked me by having a crawfish boil right by the front door – I cannot walk away from the smell of spices of the Cajun boil.
      Tomorrow I’ll just throw some chicken thighs and a store bought butter chicken sauce in to the slow cooker for dinner and leftovers.

        1. RussianInTexas*

          Ribs, split chicken breasts, and whole 8lb pork loin.
          Chicken when cold works great on salads and in wraps, and pork loin, if you slice it really thin ( we have an electric slicer which helps, but by hand is fine too) works great in sandwiches, cold or hot.
          Couple years back I picked up some apple habanero jelly and it goes great with the pork, loin, or roasted shoulder.
          He promised me smoked salmon next time, I can’t wait.

    11. Ali G*

      Scallops tonight (with…something).
      Tomorrow is wings. Haven’t decided if I am smoking them or doing them in the oven. Maybe sous vide and then reverse sear. That would be easiest.
      I might make stock tomorrow.

    12. I'm the one*

      Trying homemade strawberry sorbet. Husband is on a limited diet now, and is pining for flavorful things. (Low FODmap) I made the strawberry puree today, and will freeze tomorrow.
      Recently made gluten-free rhubarb crisp with an oatmeal-based topping. It was great. Unfortunately, rhubarb is expensive around here. (No detectable fodmaps in rhubarb.)

  27. Eza*

    Does anyone have any experience with the supplement ashwagandha? My physician recently recommended it for anxiety.

    2. Hi cadence*

      I’ve heard a lot about it as being helpful for perimenopause/menopause in a group I am in. I tried it but felt like I had more allergy symptoms when taking a large dose. I am trying a smaller dose in a combo that has rhodiola also. Rhodiola did work well for me in terms of combating some sluggishness that I thought came from too much cortisol.

    3. Homo neanderthalensis*

      Absolutely no credible studies that I can find support it’s efficacy for any condition whatsoever- it can interfere with prescription medications, and it can have nasty side effects like diarrhea and miscarriage’s(!) I’d skip this one and find a better physician.

        1. Homo neanderthalensis*

          64 subjects. Extremely small and statistically insignificant difference in cortisol numbers. Not repeated. Non-credible.

    4. KR*

      My husband used to put it in our smoothies in a powder supplement form and I noticed no change in my general level of anxiety. We stopped because it’s kind of expensive. I have no info on how much he used or what type – sorry! It might be the manner in which I was ingesting it – your doc may have better suggestions where it may actually be helpful to you.

  28. Alex*

    I think I might buy a car today! Any last minute car-buying tips? This will be the first time I’m going through the process by myself.

    This is for a brand new car, not used (already made that decision).

    One question I have is that I’m driving about an hour away to buy this car (due to inventory on what I want). I am not trading in my current car, and am going by myself. What are the chances the dealer will deliver it to me? I can pick it up another day with a friend but of course it would be easier if it came to me.

    1. Katefish*

      I’d certainly ask if the dealer will drive it home for you if need be! That’s a fairly common free perk. An hour might be pushing it but they’re likely to say yes.

    3. Katefish*

      Also, if you’re financing, manufacturers run special APRs on new cars often… I’d check the website and see if they have a better rate than your bank.

    4. Reba*

      If you enter the dealership you will be there for at least six hours, lol. So I’d say asking for delivery is well worth it! Lots of places have started doing this since the pandemic and I bet it will continue.

      1. Windchime*

        This might depend upon the dealership. When I bought my last car, I already pretty much knew what I want. I found a good salesperson and said, “I know what I want. I want X. I would like it for the Costco price. I’m not going to do that thing where we dicker back and forth and you “go to the manager.”

        And you know what? He listened to me. We test drove a couple of cars and then we started signing paperwork. I was trading in my car, so they had to look that over and that took a few minutes. But I was in and out of there in less than 2 hours, and I went back to pick up my new car the next day. Easy Peasy.

    5. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Here’s some trivial ones : Check that you’ll get car mats. Get a real car jack & lung wrench as soon as possible. Ask *the dealer* if the frame has a special spot to position the car jack. (VW does…when my car jack went missing after a repair at a place I’d never used before, the tire went — and the AAA service guy bent the frame by not knowing to use that specific spot. Lucky for him it was a very old car I was planning to replace so I was only very annoyed.)
      New car is exciting — congrats!

    6. MMB*

      Delivery can always be requested. Some dealerships do it regularly, others don’t. It just depends on the dealership and their staffing level. Distance can also be a factor. Being flexible about the delivery date and time can be very helpful.

    8. Chaordic One*

      If they try to spring any surprise fees or charges on you at the last-minute, be prepared to walk away. And yes, they should deliver it to you.

    1. Teapot Translator*

      I’m still taking it easy because of my knees. But I have connected with a trainer and a physical therapist specialized in hypermobility, so hopefully I might be able to exercise more in May! They’re really busy so the appointments are not soon.
      My elbows started to hurt a few weeks ago so I stopped strength training for a bit. ;_; I think they’re better so I think I’ll do one strength training exercise this week.

    2. Helvetica*

      Doing pilates every other day for 40 minutes, following a Youtube tutorial (Move with Nicole, highly recommended!) I still love it, some exercises are definitely getting easier but remaining enjoyable.

      The only thing is I sometimes think I lose the correct posture or am not sure I am holding myself right and I wish there was someone watching and correcting me in the moment. I did record myself and then compare it to the Youtube video but that’s like half a measure.

    3. Josephine Beth NotAmy*

      Started using an exercise app at my daughter’s encouragement, and it’s wonderful! Fun, energetic instructors, short sessions, and a wide variety of options. I’m quite sore, but in a “oh, there’s actually muscle in there” kind of way, which is actually a nice feeling!

        1. Josephine Beth NotAmy*

          The one I’m using is Obe. I had a 2 week free trial, and decided to sign up after taking several different kinds of classes. It has a young vibe (I am not young) which I initially thought i would find off-putting, but it somehow fits for me. I will say having my daughter’s input helped – she’s used it for about a year and could guide me towards classes she knew i would like and could get some early success.

    4. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I’m having a lot of issues with stiffness. I walk several miles every day, I try to do strength training 3x/week, I stretch. But still, I stand up and I am just stiff. I’m 42, I take my vitamins and my glucosamine. I thought working out would make me more supple, not less!

      Any suggestions or particular exercises that might help?

        1. nep*

          (Well, wait–depends whether it’s joint stiffness or tight muscles. Foam rolling great for the latter.)

          1. AvonLady Barksdale*

            It’s mostly joint stiffness. Which is so weird to me because I take supplements and I move and all that. But, then, I’ve also gained a few pounds this year, so maybe I’m just putting too much stress on my joints.

        2. Kt*

          I enjoy foam rolling, and also I’ve added dance to my workout routine. I like Kukuwa Dance — just find it really loosens up my shoulders, neck, back in particular. Of course there are many styles of dance video! For me it’s a good low-impact cardio supplement to my other workouts.

          “Motion is lotion” is a good motto.

          Some folks also find consuming bone broth and gelatin to be helpful.

          1. Kt*

            I’ll also say that when I started my new workout routine, my toe hurt because it was stiff — and after about 3 weeks it went away! Don’t know how long you’ve been at it though.

    5. RagingADHD*

      I’m in one of my pain cycles, where all the mobility work I need to do hurts like ass and will make me feel a lot worse for the rest of the day – but I’ll feel better tomorrow and the day after.

      Or I can be a weenie and skip it today, but gradually feel slightly worse every day after.

      It’s a mental game.

    6. Potatoes gonna potate*

      Unfortunately I did not make it to the gym this week. I forgot what happened on Monday but the rest of the week was emergency after another. Making a fresh start this Monday, with Couch25k again. Hopefully whatever progress I made in 2 sessions 2 weeks ago isn’t undone.

    7. TiffIf*

      I can’t stand biking in the cold but its been getting warmer and I went on a bike ride last week! It was glorious. Though I’ve lost a lot of the stamina I had built up last year from biking a lot–have to build up to some of those hills again!

    8. Marion Ravenwood*

      I’ve started training for my next 10k this week – the race is at the start of June, and I’d like to go a little faster than I did in my first 10k back in February. I hadn’t run since then (house move took up a lot of time and then I just sort of lost the will to do it, though I have been exercising at home and going for walks) but was pleased to see that my pace is roughly similar to what it was two months ago. I’m only four runs into the training programme but so far it seems to be going OK!

    9. LNLN*

      I was thrilled when my community pool reopened a couple months ago! I swim for 40 minutes (more or less) 3 times a week. I’m not a fast swimmer, but I can usually cover about 1,200 yards. I find the water to be relaxing and there is a nice community of people there. I walk my dog for an hour every morning, too, but she is 13 (and I am 66), so we don’t walk fast; I let her sniff and choose the route.

  30. Chilipepper*

    Dog health question. My 13 year old boy seems to have “old dog vestibular syndrome” or to have had a stroke. Prognosis is very good either way, but he is making it very difficult for us to sleep.

    Does anyone else have experience with either of these? What was recovery like?

    We are just 3 days in and he has gotten a bit better each day but is worse at the end of the day. At night he is pacing, like in the bed pacing, and wants to be very close to us. He has almost paced off the bed and the ramp to the bed (we have ramps bc of some unrelated back issues). So I’m not sleeping well.

    He is crate trained but not to stay in overnight (so not really crate trained, I know) but we have never needed him in a crate more than a few hours. And not sleeping with us causes more anxiety for him.

    He has anxiety as a result of abuse as a baby and being rehomed and abandoned multiple times b4 6 months so I just want to give him his best life. He is 22 pounds, some kind of poodle and maybe terrier mix.

    We ordered a harness that will help us stabilize him when he walks. Maybe that will help us manage him in bed at night.

    1. Dog and cat fosterer*

      In an ideal world I would suggest having an enclosed area next to your bed (maybe a single bed divided from yours by a bed rail) with your bedding, with the single bed squished between yours and a wall, so that he could pace to his heart’s content without stepping on you. That would allow you to reach over and comfort him.

      I’m not sure if that would work for him in this situation, or if you could try something similar (maybe move the bed against a wall and encourage him to pace along there?) with much less effort.

      Good luck, and I hope he improves quickly!

    2. MuttIsMyCopilot*

      Would your vet be willing to prescribe a low dose of something for anxiety that you can give him at night? Maybe doxepin or valium?

      In the realm of nonprescription options, you could try a thunder shirt or CBD treats. My older pup does well with Treatibles brand CBD treats for anxiety about things like storms, fireworks, and repair people. It may also help to have a pre-bedtime snack like a stuffed kong, snuffle mat, or other chew toy. Chewing releases endorphins (basically like exercise does for people) and would possibly help just by virtue of wearing him out a little.

    3. ThatGirl*

      No experience with that exactly but our older dog was getting very anxious at night and very early in the morning. Two things that have helped, he now sleeps in a bed right next to ours, with blankets and socks around that smell like us, and my husband can pick him up for a cuddle if he fusses early. And he now gets a doggie melatonin treat before bed, which helps him settle and sleep through the night.

    4. fposte*

      Can you close him in next to your bed but with an open top so you can reach him from the bed? You can even put him up some on a platform and enclose that. Green plastic garden mesh would be easy to cut to size and fasten with twist ties or Velcro.

    5. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Have you ever tried him with a thundershirt style garment to see if it reduces anxiety? Dogs don’t all react to it the same way so it’s not a guarantee.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I was just thinking along the same lines. My pup had no where near this level of difficulty but his restlessness was keeping me awake. I put a corner of a light blanket over his butt. He settled right down and nodded off.

        I do think that verbal instruction can help. Announcing that it is bedtime, directing him, “this is where you sleep” and, “okay buddy, we are going to sleep now” can be of some help if used consistently.

    6. Chilipepper*

      I should have said that he takes gabapentin 1 daily for his back and it works for anxiety. He is generally much more sociable with strangers now.

      And I did try the thunder wrap the night before – it did not seem to make a difference.

      If this keeps up, we will have to do a side sleeping bed of some kind. Its the fear of him either falling if he is in our bed or jumping up to get to us if he is not, that has me worried.

      We have a king sized bed and plenty of room for him to roam, he just wants to do it on me and has almost fallen off.

      Thanks all.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        A thought, look at co-sleeping cribs, or even a standard crib. The side rails would keep himself from going off the other side. Maybe post a ‘wanted’ on freecycle/buynothing for an outdated one– for example a “moveable side can drop” recall would be irrelevant because you’d be taking off the 4th side permanently.

  31. No Tribble At All*

    Cat meeting cat meeting cat meeting!!!

    They look like you’re presenting something during a meeting. From left to right, Hank looks like he has a question and is too shy to ask, Sophie is engaged and paying attention, Wallace looks like you’ll have to try harder to impress him, and Eve looks like she’s about to interrupt you and tell everyone her idea instead.

    I love that they all have people names. Was that on purpose? Did you start with a few and just keep the trend going? Or would it be unfair to the dignity of a cat to be named “Muffins” when the others could enroll in a prep school?

    2. Ask a Manager* Post author

      I think it happened by accident, although I’ve always liked people names for animals. We did come close to naming one Grendel once (and I pushed hard for Fig once but was overruled), but other than that our lists of possible names have always been people names. I do feel bad for Hank that he’s the only one who doesn’t sound like an English schoolchild. (He came to us as Hank from the start.)

      1. No Tribble At All*

        I feel like naming a cat Grendel is inviting bad vibes into your house. Or possibly calling yourself (Grendel’s mother) the bigger monster. Hank could be an English schoolchild too… just not from the “right kind” of people. I continue to be impressed how well all of them get along. Thanks for answering :)

      2. Seeking Second Childhood*

        The surname “Hanks” came out of England, implying a “Hank” somewhere. But my name history Google-full is failing me, and the closest I can find is “kin” being a diminutive that got attached to John/Johannus… so
        Johan-kin”–> Johankin–>Hankin.

    3. Yellow Warbler*

      Speaking as a childfree person (IIRC, Alison is as well) giving your pets people names makes it much easier to scapegoat them to get out of awkward social situations. “Sorry I can’t make it to your MLM party, Sophie has an appointment!”

    4. Buni*

      I love it – they look like that meme of “Keep walking, Carol, this doesn’t concern you….”.

    5. Texan In Exile*

      Hmm. And here I (who did not attend prep school but have read the fiction) am thinking, “Aren’t all prep school girls named Muffin or Bitsy or something like that?”

  32. Teapot Translator*

    People helping science!
    I was listening to Short Wave on NPR this week and there was an episode on the sea level records and how they might be useful for climate change. They mentioned the UK Tides project, where the public can help transcribe old sea level records.
    So, I was wondering if anyone knew of any other similar projects where the public helps out. I vaguely remember one about space?
    Have you helped out in such a “crowd-supported” project?

    1. Chauncy Gardener*

      The Smithsonian has a program where you can transcribe all sorts of old handwritten things, field notes, diaries, etc

    2. Charlotte Lucas*

      I know a retired couple who help observe & record dragonfly population numbers. (They signed up for butterflies but found out there was more need with dragonflies.) It’s through their local park system, & they train you to recognize different types. The data from local volunteers helps researchers see patterns at local & international levels.

    3. Semi-Anon*

      Check out the Zooniverse website – there’s a ton of well organized citizen science project with a wide range of topics, and things like forums to discuss what you’re doing. I’m done some wildlife cam stuff (look at pictures from motion sensitive cameras, count/classify the animals) which I find soothing. The astronomy ones look fun, but I do that in my day job, so it’s less appealing when I get home from work – some of my colleagues have organized projects, however.

      On a less organized level, the eBird website compiles birding reports from individuals, and is used in research.

    4. Max Kitty*

      The Library of Congress “By the People” program has volunteers transcribe document collections.

    6. Nela*

      Yeah the space one was Galaxy Zoo, the public was sorting space images by galaxy type and spin direction. I did it once many years ago, but now they probably have enough data to train an AI to continue sorting them.
      A friend told me that in the Netherlands they are asked to count and report species of birds spotted in their yard during one week in April (I think?)

      1. Generic Name*

        The US does the same thing with bird counts! There are a couple. There’s the Christmas Bird Count, the breeding bird survey, and the Great Backyard Bird Count.

    7. Generic Name*

      I got my first COVID vaccine, and I signed up to report any side effect symptoms (so far I had a sore arm that was pretty painful the evening of my shot, but was 99% resolved by the next morning). I get a text once a day and I fill out a symptom questionnaire. Takes like two minutes.

    8. Girasol*

      My state’s Fish and Game Master Naturalist program directs members to all sorts of “citizen science” efforts: cataloguing insects, counting birds, gathering wild plant samples, counting bumblebees, working in the natural history museum’s back rooms identifying and cataloguing, all sorts of things. F&G has volunteers in the office analyzing the field data that others bring in. I wonder if you could ask around at a local college or museum or at your local Fish and Wildlife office for a researcher who wants an extra pair of hands with a project that interests you.

    9. Password1234*

      I just downloaded an app to help monitor the 17 year cicadas when they come out. I hope my bits of data help.

    10. Seeking Second Childhood*

      “FoldIt” — an online puzzle game that’s geared to solving real protein questions.

    11. allathian*

      We have two “insect hotels” in our garden and planted a small meadow for pollinators last year. We also don’t bother to dig out dandelions from our lawn, they’re great for pollinators.

  33. LaminateHalp*

    Living in a starter house, wanting to change carpet to laminate in the bedrooms. But also replace hallway/stairs carpet. Is this possible or does it all have to be same laminate? Fam member says carpet hall/stairs looks weird if all bedrooms are laminate. I’m favoring carpet bc we’re very fall prone and we might try for kids very soon and I don’t want anyone seriously injuring themselves. I fell down the stairs as a kid and the only thing that prevented a hospital visit or much worse was that the stairs were carpet.

    1. Laura Petrie*

      We have laminate in the hall, carpet on the stairs, landing and one of our bedrooms, laminate in our spare room and Lino in the bathroom. We had laminate in the box room too but we’re in the middle of turning the space into an office so we’re replacing it with click vinyl tiles.

      I wouldn’t want laminate on the stairs, I much prefer carpet. It’s your home so get what you want. Our random flooring combo looks fine and I’ve never thought I needed the same type of flooring in that space.

      1. tangerineRose*

        I’ve got pergo in the entryway, kitchen, and dining room, but I kind of want to replace the carpet in the living room with something different, maybe laminate, probably something brown that won’t show dirt as well. I’m not sure if that will look weird.

      2. I'm the one*

        We have old-fashioned linoleum tile in the children’s bedrooms. They picked out the colors and pattern. Linoleum is renewable and doesn’t off-gas. We haven’t had a problem with needing to rewax (unlike in a kitchen) because it just doesn’t get that much wear in a bedroom.
        We have carpet on the stairs and hallway for noise control and safety.
        We put hardwood in the master bedroom, but that was too expensive to do in all of the rooms.
        We figure that when we sell, it would be easy for the buyer to put wall-t0-wall carpet in the children’s rooms.

    2. It happens*

      Your house, your way.
      Look up stair runners, carpeting that covers most, but not all of the stair. Super common with wood floors, for looks, warmth, and the inevitable tumble down. And if you’re looking for formal, you can get fancy and add brass holders at each step.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        The brass holders are more than formality — they provide safety to prevent slipping when you don’t want to use glue & staples.

    3. fposte*

      I have hardwood in the rooms and carpet on the stairs for noise control. I don’t think that’s much different than what you’re proposing, and I think it looks fine (and I see that in other houses around here so it can’t be that weird).

    4. Reba*

      I would do hall/rooms the same. You can carpet the stairs, or what about laminate stairs with carpet treads or a runner?

    5. Not Australian*

      You definitely need carpet on the stairs, it keeps the noise down apart from anything else. We have laminate everywhere else, and tile in bathroom and kitchen, because we’re serial cat parents and just find it so much easier to clean up clouds of loose cat hair from hard floors than from carpet. We also have underfloor heating, so no cold surfaces even if we’re barefoot. The only thing you may need to give some thought to is transitioning between carpet and laminate, say at the top of the stairs; we chose to set a piece of carpet into the laminate flooring at that point and use metal cover-strips to disguise the cut edge of the laminate, with a tidy result.

  34. Sunny Okami*

    Dermatology question ahead

    Has anyone used products for at-home removals for skin tags/warts/moles/etc? I have an appointment with my general practitioner to discuss longterm treatment but I have one in a place that keeps getting rubbed painfully from my clothes that I would like removed ASAP. I see there are so many products to chose from but does anyone have personal experience that could recommend a product?

    1. It's Quarantime!*

      The thing about skin tags is, they’re just skin. I’ve cut a few off with nail clippers before. Have a disinfectant/bandaid ready for the little wound and it’s over quick.
      Warts are a little harder, but the acid patches were my go-to for those. Same concept though, it functions mostly like a bandaid and just takes time.
      Moles are the hardest. The ones I had removed were on my face, so yeah, I didn’t play games with them. Surgeon cut/stitched them and my biggest assignment was to stay out of the sun to avoid weird scars.

      1. fposte*

        Pretty much same here on all three, though I favor Compound W liquid with a bandage over it, which is probably just the artisanal version of your acid patches. But moles are doctor stuff for sure.

    2. Texan In Exile*

      If you can wait until you see your doc, she can clip off a mole in a second. I had one on my neck that necklaces would irritate. My doc clipped it off and put a bandaid on it and done.

      The only regret I had is that my grandma and my mom have a mole in that same place. I felt a bit like I was cutting one of my connections to them. :)

    3. Lyudie*

      I had a wart years ago and had it frozen off…the doctor I talked to said that sometimes they will come back if you use the over-the-counter stuff, but freezing it would prevent that. I have also had something that looked like a mole but was not removed from my shoulder with freezing…my doctor did it and it was very easy (I’m not sure exactly what it was…I don’t remember the real name but she called it a barnacle which I am sure is not a proper medical term). I’d be inclined to wait for your appointment and see what they recommend. Can you put a band aid or something over it in the meantime to help with rubbing?

      1. Semi-Anon*

        I’ve done plantar warts with over the counter stuff, but it takes longer than having the doctor freeze it – you have to apply the stuff a couple times a day for weeks, while the freezing was a single treatment.

    4. allathian*

      I get skin tags occasionally, and those I just clip with a nail clipper or cut with sharp scissors that won’t pull on the tag and make it worse. If I start bleeding, I disinfect the wound and put a bandaid on.

      I don’t have any experience with warts, but a funny thing happened when I was pregnant, I had a mole on my waist that my pants rubbed a bit, but just as I was about to schedule a doctor’s appointment to remove it, the mole just started peeling off by itself, because it was stiffer than the skin on my expanding baby bump. When it was just stuck on one edge, I pulled it off. It bled a bit but not enough to need a bandaid.

    5. Laura Petrie*

      I had a large skin tag on my neck that I hated.

      I bought the remover that is essentially a tiny elastic band that you slide over the tag with the included accessory.

      It worked really well, took about a week but was totally painless and no blood at all.

      1. Anonodon*

        I’ve never had luck removing skin tags by myself. If you can get to a dermatologist it’s relatively easy. I prefer getting them snipped off, since they are gone right away, and you don’t have to wait for them to fall off, but my current derm freezes them. It is slightly painful but quick for both and less painful than when I tried to do it myself.

        I’ve never had a wart but recently had a pyogenic glanuloma that can be mistaken for a wart or possible skin cancer. They look scary and bleed constantly, which is also scary, but not harmful as long as you contain the bleeding. I used otc wart stuff which does not work and had to have it removed by my derm. It came back and I had to have it removed again, which is common but it’s finally gone for good.

        FYI in case this is helpful to anyone, I never heard of it before and was really freaked out until I figured out what it was. It was scary to get a weird skin lesion that wouldn’t heal, especially during a pandemic. If you’re not sure, get it checked out!

    6. Asenath*

      I went with the professionals. Skin tags are usually the easiest to nip off yourself, but the location of mine plus my poor eyesight made a trip to a doctor who had a regular “lumps and bumps” clinic a good idea – all gone very quickly. Moles and warts are also easily dealt with by the doctor – plantar warts, in particular, didn’t respond to my attempts to use over-the-counter wart remover.

    7. Skeeder Jones*

      Skin tags: I tied a piece of thread around it and it died from lack of blood and fell off. I had another one I just snipped with scissors. It bled for a while but eventually stopped and it never grew back.

      Warts: covered with a piece of duct tape for about 2 weeks and it went away as well.

    8. WoodswomanWrites*

      I have cut off skin tags myself with a fingernail scissors, using alcohol on the spot before and after. They typically don’t even hurt. For warts and moles, I don’t mess with them myself and instead have seen a dermatologist. Like you, I had a skin growth in a spot that was getting chafed. My doctor put liquid nitrogen on it. After a week or two, it fell off on its own with no scarring.

  35. Teapot Translator*

    I’ve decided to get quotes for a custom-made bookcase. One of the companies I contacted is coming to take measurements in a few weeks. I’m going to look at bookcases online to see what I like, but is there stuff that I should consider (besides where the different outlets are in the wall)?
    I would prefer real wood to the stuff Ikea uses, but it will depend on the cost difference. I have a *lot* of Ikea furniture. I try to avoid touching it because I’m afraid it will fall down. /joking, just a bit

    1. allathian*

      Most of our furniture is from Ikea and at least our shelves are pretty solid. They do have to be anchored to the wall, though.

    2. AcademiaNut*

      Think about the heights of the shelves, and your book collection. For example – do you want shelves sized for mass market paperbacks (shorter shelves but more of them), for hardbacks, for oversized books, or for CDs/DVDs. If you want a mix, consider the current mix of books you have, and what you are likely to buy in the future (and make sure you’ve got empty space for future purchases).

    3. Workerbee*

      Ooh, we’d love custom-made ourselves, and definitely real wood. Funny how things like particle board and other composites are so much heavier.

      I would think of things like–

      -Adjustable shelves
      -If you want the bookcase to go all the way up to the ceiling or not
      -If you want a “back” to the bookcase and if it’s easy to cut through it/remove part of it to accommodate those outlets
      -Standalone versus needs to be anchored

    4. A313*

      Lighting, maybe? We have rope lights that fit in a notch along the back wall on the underside of each shelf. Looks nice!

    5. Belle*

      We have custom wood bookcases. One thing I would make sure to ask is how they handle corners if you are spanning more than one wall. We had to revise our drawing multiple times to deal with corners. I wanted the space usable but also looking nice to me. What I envisioned wasn’t what they they envisioned until we tweaked it a few times. I also have a few different heights to accommodate different heights of books. Ours are floor to ceiling and span three walls, so the drawing was a MUSt.

    6. Seeking Second Childhood*

      When you take down your Ikea bookshelves, consider offering the metal hardware to friends who also have Ikea bookshelves. I have extra bookshelves for which I can’t find the metal and it is driving me nuts! LOL.

      2. Teapot Translator*

        I don’t know if it’s the same everything or if it’s still there during the pandemic, but there used to be containers at my Ikea, where one could pick extra bits and pieces (nails, etc.). They didn’t charge for it if I recall correctly.

    7. NoLongerYoung*

      I will say, I got 15 years out of my IKEA bookcases (set of 5) because I not only assembled as directed, but wood-glued them as I did so. Super sturdy, and the best $500 I ever spent. (Still have 1).

      I do have some lovely Pottery Barn ones (used to me) I bought, and they are components – cabinets below, shelves above. Easier to move and arrange. Yes, somewhat sturdier. But actually fewer shelves than my IKEA ones, so while much more stylish, a lot fewer books fit on them.

      So hiring help / using the wood glue as an addition may move the options to “won’t fall down.” (smile). I am assuming you will not need to take them apart again, though!

      1. I'm the one*

        We have solid wood Ikea bookshelves that we stained or had stained by a woodworker. They look great and work well, after 20 years. The bookshelves are adjustable, so we have made them fit our books. Outlets are reachable because there is no back. We do have wall anchors.

    8. zaracat*

      Consider the span of the shelves relative to the weight of the books to avoid shelf sag. I have a whole wall of floor to ceiling IKEA bookshelves, but went with the 40cm wide ones rather than 80cm as I have lots of large hardcover reference books.

  36. It's Quarantime!*

    Hi everyone…
    It’s been two weeks since I said goodbye to my beloved kitty. It’s hard. Thank you all for your kind words. I have revisited them many times to remind myself of the good and caring people in the world.
    My body and grief are battling with each other as stubborn post-COVID symptoms are making it hard/impossible to grieve.
    A very kind person warned me about medications and tinnitus, and despite immediately stopping that medicine I’m in week three of my ears ringing constantly. I can barely think, it’s impacting my ability to work, and I have to cram my emotions back down as hard as I can every time they rise because crying makes it worse.
    Have you dealt with tinnitus before? How long did it continue? How do/did you even function? The idea of this being forever is so terrible! Right up until January of this year I used to be strong, confident, capable, and independent but my family (who I love and am very grateful for) have had to come take me from my home to live in my parents guest room for a while because I’m so broken.

    1. Lyudie*

      I’m so sorry for your loss. We lost both of our cats in about a year’s time…it’s been over a year and I still cry sometimes over both of them. If you have not seen it, there’s a good analogy of grief as a ball in a box (I’ll post a link in a reply).

      I am on Zoloft (generic) and get the tinnitus. I haven’t found a good way to cope with it other than masking it with music etc. It doesn’t bother me too much most of the time but sometimes gets annoying. It sounds like yours is worse…my sympathies. It certainly isn’t helping with everything else you have going on. You are dealing with A Lot and it’s okay to not be okay. Much love to you <3

    2. desdemona*

      I do not have tinnitus, but have friends who do. The thing I’ve seen most discussed/recommended is listening to other sounds. This could be music, or white noise, or whale sounds – something that provides a different background noise to listen to, separate from the ringing.
      I’m sorry you’re going through so much right now – I hope you find relief for the tinnitus soon!

    3. Bucky Barnes*

      No advice on tinnitus, but my condolences on your loss. I lost my beloved girl to cancer a few years ago. One of the worst times of my life.

    4. nep*

      Sorry for your loss, and that you’re struggling right now.
      I’ve never had to cope with tinnitus. I’m sure you’ve looked online, but just putting this out there. I often look at Bob and Brad on YouTube, and I recalled they have a video about tinnitus, naming a lot of resources. Link below, in case any of it is of interest.
      I hope you’ll find relief soon.
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nRdUxByHo30

    5. Grim*

      I’m so sorry you have tinnitus. It is a horrible condition that no one should live with.

      I have had tinnitus for over 20 years, with the past 7 being so debilitating that I had to quit my job and become a hermit. Like you, I can no longer concentrate or focus on my work and it’s mentally very destroying when the tinnitus sounds in your head become so all encompassing you can’t escape it, and then you don’t think about anything else.

      There is a Web forum out there called Tinnitus Talk (Google) that I think you should visit ASAP. There many people in the same boat as you that got tinnitus due to Covid or Covid vaccine medications.

      1. nep*

        It’s disturbing how for some people COVID or the vaccine seem to be causing tinnitus. Really hope that’s not a long-term effect. Makes me nervous about getting second shot. Then again, since cases have been reported of COVID itself causing the condition, well…

  37. HannahS*

    How do I learn more about identifying garden plants? I live near an absolutely lovely public garden. I wish I could walk around and better know what I’m looking at. I’m not really looking for a field-guide, per se, because many of the plants aren’t indigenous (like tulips, for example), but maybe more of a gardener’s guide to flowers, trees, groundcovers, etc.

    1. Pregnant during COVID*

      There are apps that help identify plants while you’re on your walks! There’s a new free (even ad free!) one called Lookup Life that I am planning to download for my nature walks. It uses your geo location and the appearance of the species to help identify from a database of thousands. It also gives a lot of background info and can identify animals as well as plants.

      1. OtterB*

        Picture This is another free app for identifying plants

        Does your public garden have a gift shop? They would seem likely to have useful books. Or even a front desk where you could ask for recommendations?

      2. Coenobita*

        The Seek app is also really fun for this. I like that it lets you opt in to some low-stakes challenge games like “find 10 species of flowering plants and 1 insect” – I’m super motivated by that kind of gamification so it makes my neighborhood walks more fun. And as a result I’m learning the names of lots of ornamental plants that I’ve seen probably every day of my life but never knew what they were called.

    2. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Check online to see if your state or local college/university has an agricultural extension. They are a font of knowledge!

  38. Pharmgirl*

    Does anyone know anything about / have used/hired a management company for condo buildings (i.e. to manage multiple units)? I live in a 4 unit condo building, and one of the owners has been the trustee since before I moved in 2 years ago. They are moving this summer and have notified the rest of us to figure out a plan. The trustee manages condo fees, shared utility bills, maintenance, yard work/snow removal, fire alarm testing, etc. One of the other units is an older woman and her disabled daughter, and they’re not able to take this on. The other unit moved into a single family home a few months back and are renting their unit to tenants.

    I have a feeling that I will be expected to take over, but I have neither the time nor interest. I work 45+ hours a week, as well as weekend and on-call rotations, plus I’m single and live alone and have to manage life/house stuff on my own. Right now at least I don’t think I have the energy to add on anything like this. I’d like to suggest hiring someone to contract this stuff out to, and wanted to see what other peoples experiences have been with doing that. Thanks in advance!

    1. It happens*

      I feel for you. Be prepared, it’s going to cost money, and the owners need to know/understand/agree to that before you start. The work has to be done and unless an owner steps up, the owners need to pay.
      Walk around the neighborhood and see if any buildings have plaques naming their management companies. Start asking people you know who live in multi-unit buildings who their management company is. Ask real estate agents for recommendations. Talk to the person who does everything now and have them make a full list of what they do- weekly, monthly, seasonally, annually. This list is important because it’s what you need to allocate between the manager and the owners.

      Then the search begins. Start phoning, tell them you’re only four units and see if they’re interested and get a general idea of cost based on the scope of work. Have at least three do a walk through to prepare formal bids. And then you need the building to agree to the price and contract. And then someone still needs to supervise them and sign off on expenditures. Which is a little less work than total DIY, but produces a low level of daily stress, which turns to high level of stress when big projects arise.

      Best of luck- it’s gonna be an adventure.

      1. Filosofickle*

        All this. I used to be an owner and HOA pres of of a 5-unit condo building. None of us knew what we were doing and we tried to get a management company but it was hard at our size and with our finances. In the end we didn’t find anyone and just muddled through. IMO we definitely could have used pro support though!

    2. Pharmgirl*

      Thank you both! The owners that are renting out their unit are okay with contracting out or have suggested splitting duties as to keep hoa down which I am okay with as well. I’m not in a place to take on all the duties right now, but am happy to share responsibility.

  39. Backyard dreams*

    If you were going to landscape a small to medium backyard and did NOT want a lawn to mow, a veggie garden, or a pool, what would you put there?

    2. MuttIsMyCopilot*

      I’m in the SEUS (hot summers, very humid, lots of shade from trees) ANF have had success with dense ground covers over most of yard, with moss doing best to cover the really shallow areas right under the trees. If you have any flower bed type sections that would look best with something taller, mixed wildflower seeds are great.

    3. Kathenus*

      I have one section of my backyard as a pollinator garden – got a bunch of prairie grasses and pollinator-friendly plants and wildflowers and just seeded the whole area. It grows up great every year, in the winter I have to cut it all back, then it grows back the next spring. Very low maintenance, which is great for me since I am terrible with plants. The only downside for me is that over time it’s gone from a great mix of plants to almost plots of the most dominant plants, and I don’t really have the initiative to pull it out and do a restart. It achieved my goals, attracts lots of bees, butterflies, hummingbirds and small critters with little work outside of the annual clean up/cutting.

      1. Workerbee*

        I would love a pollinator garden. That’s a good note about the downside to even that.

        We need to get our soil tested–I suspect the preponderance of buckthorns and evergreens has done something to the soil where it would make the most sense to put such a garden, as I tried to start one last year and everything died. :(

    4. fposte*

      Definitely depends on where you are, what maintenance you are prepared to do, and the sun and shade pattern. In my Midwestern town you could plant a prairie patch (which is exempted from municipal grass height regulation here); it takes some maintenance the starting years but doesn’t need lawn-type mowing. I know somebody with a gorgeous conifer garden, with a path winding through conifers of different heights.

      In a lot of places, though, a lawn is the lowest maintenance in practical terms because there’s a whole system in place for it and economies of scale make it pretty cheap. So don’t leap out of the frying pan into the prairie fire.

    5. GoryDetails*

      I’m planning to do this myself, with my long-neglected side yard. Oh, I may keep a small section of lawn, but I mainly want low-maintenance beds with mulch (around the edges and the street), some beds for perennials, and areas of ground cover – vinca grows really well in my area and looks lovely all the time. A mulched area for my hammock to sit on and maybe a small bed or two for veggies or for annuals should wrap it up. Now if I can just make the call to the landscape people for an estimate!

    6. Me*

      Different sections of patio, somewhat connected but different heights (I prefer concrete because it’s easier to care for than pavers). Sections broken up/separated by easy to care for plantings. A rectangular section of low clumps of grasses (the kind you see in landscaping, not the lawn kind) in between some of the concrete sections. Along the edges, mid size easy to care for bushes.

      1. Me*

        And by different sections of patio, what I mean is a section for dining, a section for a couple of really comfy lounge chairs and a section for a fire pit.

    7. Girasol*

      A native plants garden? There might be an outpost of the Native Plant Society near you with some ideas.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Look up American Meadows native wildflower seeds, for your region. I’m thinking of converting a section of my yard to wildflowers because it’s steep enough to feel dangerous to mow. Wildflowers, I think I’d get someone in with a brush cutter once a year.

      2. Jackalope*

        I’m big on the idea of a native garden (or at least as much as possible). That way you know everything is adapted to your climate. The first year or so is more work but then it can mostly take care of itself. And local fauna such as birds are more likely to want to come visit it.

    8. Not A Manager*

      It depends on the climate, but you can always do pebbles/mulch/dryscape planted with whatever larger plants or shrubs thrive in your area. If you don’t want to be responsible for them, you don’t have to plant a lot. Just a few so it’s not all pebbles. Also, you can use large stones/small boulders as accent pieces, so that’s fewer plants also. The same stone yard that sells pebbles will sell larger rocks as well.

    9. Yellow Warbler*

      Ground cover, like flowering thyme or pachysandra. NOT ivy, it’s invasive and attracts bugs and snakes.

    10. Buni*

      Decking? I like really good decking with a bunch of stuff in pots – you can move things around to suit / as the seasons demand – and some nice outdoor furniture etc.

  40. Ouch!*

    Broke my wrist thoroughly this week – dominant hand of course.
    I’m splinted and in a sling till Tuesday, when I’ll have surgery. And I’m guessing I’ll still be casted after for a month or two afterwards

    Any advice for managing with a broken arm would be appreciated. Particularly tricks for being more comfortable and productive in daily life and recovery. My sling is very useful and helps with swelling, but my neck already hates it

    If you’ve had an injury or mobility loss to your dominant side, how long did it take you to become passable at one-handed tasks with your other hand?

    1. OtterB*

      My husband had a bad fall a few years ago and , among other things, shattered one wrist. We got one of those soft neck pillows for sleeping on airplanes and he rested his arm on it while sitting, riding in the car, etc. It was better than a regular pillow for being able to position the arm and have it stay in position.

    2. Emma2*

      I have broken my non-dominant wrist.
      Things that helped:
      – using the dictation mode on my phone for writing emails and texts (it is amazing)
      – getting a foldable keyboard for work – it bent in the middle and you could adjust the angle of the two sides (useful when I could not turn my arm flat to put my fingers on the keys)
      – a shower mitt to go over my cast (you can but large plastic or silicone mitts designed to cover and keep the cast dry when showering
      – a knitted poncho-style thing I could pop over my head to stay warm without sleeves
      – when you are ready for it physio toys (things like squishy balls or silly putty that you can play with while doing other things and that mobilise your hand)
      – for cooking, accept some limitations (eg draining a large pot of pasta was not possible for me but I could cook rice). If you live alone, consider asking a friend to open some jars for you when they visit and replace the lids loosely (trying to open a tight lid one handed is a nightmare)
      – if you live somewhere with rain and don’t already own one, consider buying a rain coat (umbrellas are hard, plus it will be almost impossible to carry anything else when using an umbrella)
      – have a good shoulder bag or backpack you can use to move things from place to place (even between rooms in the house)
      – if you are cooking, perhaps buy some of those bags of fresh or frozen pre-chopped fruit and veggies
      Also, obviously everyone’s experience varies, but after surgery, my wrist definitely felt much more stable within a couple of weeks and my recovery was very successful (if I look very closely, there is a slight difference in range of motion compared to my other wrist, but I have no issues with the one I broke – it can take my weight, open jars, etc). I did follow my physio instructions.

      1. Ouch!*

        Thanks a bunch!
        Especially for the encouragement about surgery, this will be my first procedure more invasive than a filling, so I’m a bit nervous. Great to hear a success story.

    3. Jackalope*

      I broke a finger on my dominant hand and it was tough. A few thoughts: a one-handed friend recommended trimming my fingernails holding the clippers in my feet. Took a bit of practice but was actually really doable and made me feel very clever. Dishes were one of the worst things. If you can put something in the sink (a dish towel for example) to keep things from sliding around that can help.

      Also, ask for and accept help. I had a couple of times when people brought me a meal or came over and did some cleaning that I couldn’t do. I totally recommend that if you have friends who would be willing to help. I’d started looking around for a teenager (say, from the youth group at my church) who would be willing to make a bit of money by coming over once a week to clean for me for an hour. If you live alone that might be an idea if things are too frustrating. (I ended up getting my splint off before I found someone.) If you use canned food then get a one-handed can opener if you can find one.

      Also, have a lot of patience with yourself. It’s hard to lose the use of a dominant hand. Go easy on yourself. I have had other injuries to my dominant hand although the broken finger was the main one, so I decided it made sense to learn how to write with the other hand. You might not have time to really get that down but it’s fun to try.

      1. Ouch!*

        Thanks for the advice! I am putting some low key effort into improving my non-dominant hand coordination, but I don’t have high hopes that I’ll be ambidextrous anytime soon

    4. Runaway Shinobi*

      I’ve broken both my non-dominant wrist and my dominant hand (at different times!). The dominant hand made life much trickier, even though it was a less severe break. A couple of things I found helpful:

      1. Arm shower sleeve – essential.
      2. Put the toilet paper on your non-dominant side; it’s a real pain to reach round. Even better, pre-tear it into strips so that you don’t have to do that at the last minute.
      3. Sleep on your own. Trying to keep your arm elevated post-surgery with someone else in the bed is a real pain.
      4. Keep trying to wiggle your fingers, even when you’re in a heavy cast.
      5. Do ALL the physical therapy they recommend!
      6. Buy a thick lotion for when the cast comes off; your arm will be gross and you’ll need to massage it a lot to get the swelling to go down.

      Best of luck!

      1. Ouch!*

        Thanks for the tips!

        I’m particularly not looking forward to how gross that cast is going to be in midsummer, but I know it’s better than the alternative

        My partner and I have done OK so far by putting my arm on the outside of the bed, but we have space if we need to sleep separately post-surgery – good to prepare for that

  41. To the Moon!*

    Advice on crypto wanted, please. I’ve recently started purchasing a bit of cryptocurrency and understand I need a wallet. Looking at Exodus, but this is all really new to me and the research/googling is getting a bit overwhelming. Is Exodus for mobile safe and newbie friendly or is there a better option? I don’t think I want a hardware wallet as I would probably lose it, but maybe I should get one because it’s safer?

  42. Flightq*

    Anyone fly with a 2 year old recently? My spouse had taken a 2 minyh work assignment and wants us to fly out to join for a bit. But I haven’t been able to get my younger 2 year old to wear a mask despite lots of attempts (I do not take him anywhere indoors except daycare which does not require masks for his age). I have read about families getting banned from airlines for 2 year olds refusing masks. It’s a long flight and this seems unworkable.

    Are airlines really enforcing this? I have asked spouse to fly back instead of us flying out but he can only make short trips.

    1. BRR*

      I wish I had different advice but it sounds like you shouldn’t try to fly with your 2 year old.

    3. AnonEmployee*

      Best thing to do would be to call the airline before you make any plans as you don’t want to be stressed out wondering what will happen when you get there.

    4. acmx*

      Yes, they really are enforcing the federal mask mandate.

      Try to find a mask that you kid likes. Get a few in different fun patterns.

    5. Willow*

      Most are enforcing it pretty strictly, yes. Delta have left more wiggle room than others, from what I’ve heard, so if you can fly with them that might help, but otherwise you do risk being removed from the flight if your child will not wear their mask. It doesn’t seem like a good idea, I’m afraid.

      1. Max Kitty*

        From what I understand, Delta was more lenient when the policies were set and enforced by each airline individually. They now all are under the same federal mandate.

    6. Michaele Burris*

      Check with the airlines in question. Print out their response, carry it with you and flash it before their eyes if anyone on the flight tries to give you grief.

      1. Max Kitty*

        The mask requirement is a federal mandate. The airline should not be saying anything different, and even if someone did, the flight attendant(s) will be will within their rights (and obligations) to enforce it. “Flashing” some prior statement won’t do anything.

    8. I'm A Little Teapot*

      From what I’ve heard, you should not try to fly right now. Can you drive instead?

        1. acmx*

          If you are in the US, you will need to take a COVID test prior to returning to the US (even if fully vaccinated).
          Are you the person who posted last week about your husband’s assignment? If so, for Hawaii you (but not your child) will need a COVID test prior to arrival and may be required to take one again upon arrival.

          1. Flightq*

            Yeah, and I am willing to comply with all requirements. I have tried lots of things to get the 2 year old to wear masks (character masks, watching Sesame Street videos, bribes) but I have only managed to keep it on him for 10 minutes tops and shortest flight I can find is 10 hours. He’s just too young to understand.

            1. fposte*

              I think this sounds just like too much, for him and for you (and am I understanding that there’s an older kid as well? That’s a lot to wrangle). Two months isn’t that long, and a trip there isn’t going to mitigate the time much. Save it for when you all can enjoy it.

              1. Max Kitty*

                Yes, it sounds like you’ve done everything you can do, and unfortunately it’s just not going to work. I’m sorry.

            2. acmx*

              Ten hours is a long time to wear a mask! I’ve worn them for longer but it get annoying.

              I don’t have kids so what benefit is there for y’all to take him to Hawaii? I’d think he’s too young to appreciate it, no? I understand your husband wanting to be with his family but it is really worth all of this? Especially, as he’s put the burden on you alone.

              1. Flightq*

                I did okay the idea initially but I never thought they’d send him with the pandemic still ongoing. To his credit he’s tried to find solutions but he keeps saying we can try things on the flight and there just aren’t options. I just can’t risk us getting taken off a flight. We are vaccinated but kids obviously are not.

                1. acmx*

                  I forgot you you had more than one kid so I understand more about wanting to make a visit happen. (Not that my opinion matters!) It just seems stressful.

                  I wish his trip could happen later in the summer. Flying itself is pretty safe and hopefully requirements for younger children could be relaxed.

    9. Not A Manager*

      Leave the kid with your family that has All The Opinions and fly out yourself. It will do all of you good. (I’m kidding, sort of.)

      I agree with others that the cost of flying with a two year old for 10 hours round trip, even if you didn’t have to make him wear a mask, is not outweighed by the benefits of wrangling said child in Hawaii. And you have to manage another child/other children, too? I wouldn’t.

      Also, small side-eye to your husband who really does seem to make a habit of offloading unpleasant family chores onto you.

    10. Kt*

      Please check into this with the airline. Previous CDC guidelines was that 2-year-olds wear masks as they’re able, and the previous CDC guidelines at least gave some wiggle room for 2-year-olds. I honestly feel like if you can get your kid to wear a mask on boarding and departure it should be ok. I am speaking as a parent of a three-year-old.

      1. acmx*

        Please do not do this. It’s not up to the CDC. It’s not up to the airline. It is an Executive Order requiring face masks for those aged 2 and over on public transportation. Do not make it harder for flight attendants. They are not going to ignore you after the boarding process. They already deal with the adults that feel like they can pull down their masks when they feel like it.

    11. Clisby*

      I haven’t, but I wouldn’t consider dragging a 2-year-old on a long overseas flight to meet up with my spouse on a 2-month work assignment. Isn’t your spouse going to be working most of the time?

      My only experience like this was when my husband took a new job while I stayed behind to sell the house, etc. We were apart about 2 months. It was a 5-hour drive to where he worked, and I took our 2 kids to visit with him once. Adults just need to deal with this; kids need their routine life a lot more.

    12. Dark Macadamia*

      Personally I wouldn’t fly anywhere right now, and wouldn’t attempt a 10-hour flight with a 2yo ever. I’ve done like, 3-hour flights with toddlers in normal times and it was fine but SO much work, especially when I was the only adult.

    13. ....*

      How much over 2 is he? You could try saying he’s only like 22 months or something. Not like they can ID a baby!

      1. Flightq*

        You do have to put a kid’s birthday in when you book the flight and carry a birth certificate copy.

    14. Crispy Pork*

      My sister (not in US) worked in child care where masks were mandatory all day long, including two year olds, even when they were bleeding behind their ears. No exceptions. All of them wore masks so it seems that toddlers can be cajoled into it somehow. It sounds like you will need to practice with your child so they will keep it on. Are there different styles you can try out? My son refuses to wear disposable masks but will happily wear my homemade one that gives a bit more breathing space and fits better around his face. I’ve seen kids wear clear plastic type ones that seem to be fitted wider so it’s not so stuck closely to their mouth.

      2. Anna*

        Wtf, why would they put masks on kids that made their ears bleed? That’s not a story to brag about.

    15. allathian*

      Skip the flight. It’s not worth putting your 2 year old through that.

      It’s only two months.

    16. FYI*

      Ok, I also have a 2 year old and I have done some research on this. If you are flying overseas and not using an American based airline, you might have more luck about mask mandates. There are a bunch of airlines (not US based LOL) that are much more lenient about masks. Some of them don’t require or ask for masks for kids under 11. If you are flying on a US based airline, due to the federal proclamation that masks are required, airlines are now required to accommodate ADA issues – so if your child (or someone else) has to fly and they absolutely cannot wear a mask, they can talk to their doctor about getting a medical exemption. Airlines need to be notified of this accommodation in advance and most (if not all) will require the person not wearing a mask to be tested less than 72 hours prior to flying. Note that travel tests are not covered by insurance and usually range from $150-300. Please note: I am a medical provider who regularly treats patients with Covid and if at all possible, I advocate for those who cannot wear masks to stay home. But this is not always possible, so I’m providing information. Best of luck!!

  43. Pregnant during COVID*

    Any advice for getting a one-month-old baby to sleep on her own in a bassinet/crib? She naps fine during the day in her rocker that is more of a reclined cocoon shape. At night, she startles herself awake every 5-10 minutes while on her back on the flat mattress of the bassinet or crib. I’ve tried swaddling, sleep sack, rocking, vibration (on the bassinet), white noise, and putting her down drowsy but awake. I am not interested in letting her cry it out. What else can I try before I drop of exhaustion?

    1. Jen*

      Oh this is so, so common. She is definitely way too young for cry it out (I do recommend sleep training but at 5-6 months, 1 month is way too young). You can try what they call “the pause” where you give her a couple minutes to fuss through the transition. Young babies hate transitions, so let her get though it and adjust for a minute instead of immediately picking her up.

      My son liked the rock n play but that got recalled. It’s tempting to let them sleep in those devices but it’s less safe.

      Unfortunately the newborn stage is very hard. I promise it gets better.

    2. Potatoes gonna potate*

      I had this problem. One thing that helped was putting a heating pad on the bassinet and remove it before putting her in. Something about the heat will mimic the heat from your arms.

    3. Generic Name*

      Would you feel comfortable with co-sleeping? It can be done safely, but it’s not for everyone. A middle ground is getting something called the “arms reach co-sleeper” which is like a clip on bassinet you attach to the bed. Baby sleeps in their own space but you can literally reach out your arm and touch them to comfort them.

      1. Clisby*

        I was about to ask this. We co-slept with our daughter until she was about 4 months old, and even after that she occasionally slept with us. Whatever gets the most people the most sleep is the way to go.

        Don’t pay any attention to people who tell you that’s inherently dangerous. It’s not.

        1. General von Klinkerhoffen*

          Agreed. Unplanned co-sleeping is dangerous (eg falling asleep whilst nursing on the sofa) but planned co-sleeping can be life-changing.

          Alternatively, some people get on well with sidecar cradles/bassinets. The baby is near enough to smell you and hear you breathing, but you each have your own space, bedding etc.

          Sending very best wishes. Newborn sleep deprivation is torture.

      2. Natalie*

        I agree that you might consider cosleeping, especially if you’re getting dangerously sleep deprived. Unplanned co-sleeping is a lot more common when that happens, and unplanned cosleeping is a zillion times more dangerous.

        If it’s something you’re interested in looking into, there is a sleep researcher at Notre Dame who has published recommendations on the safest way to cosleep. I’ll put a link in a reply.

    4. Pregnant during COVID*

      Thanks all. My older daughter slept every night in the rock n play (pre recall) so having newborn sleep issues is totally new territory! I will try the pause method and the heating pad idea is genius! I am also open to co-sleeping temporarily because what is happening now is she is sleeping in my arms while I’m sitting up in bed, which is 100% not sustainable if I’m ever to sleep again.

    5. Not A Manager*

      It’s been a very long time since I tried to get a one-month-old to sleep, so this is probably a stupid question. But why can’t she sleep in the device that she’s comfortable in? Is the rocker safe for naps but not for overnight?

      1. Double A*

        Yes, this is exactly it. Babies should sleep on their backs, on a flat surface. During the day you’re awake and supervising their sleep, but when you’re sleeping they need to be in the safest environment available.

        To the OP, I’d suggest starting to try to have the baby always sleep in the bassinet.

        1. Not A Manager*

          I agree with this. If it’s not feasible for her to always sleep in the rocker, then don’t ever let her sleep in the rocker. At least until she is able to sleep in her proper bed at night.

        2. Pregnant during COVID*

          Thanks for the suggestion to have her nap in the bassinet, it’s a good one! I tried this today and it wasn’t terrible. She fussed a lot in the bassinet during one nap but it didn’t erupt into full on wailing. I’ll try it again tomorrow!

      2. Generic Name*

        Yeah, things like car seats and swings and any of those molded containers are not safe for sleep. They can die from positional asphyxiation.

    6. Fellow Traveller*

      If you think that she doesn’t like being flat on her back, you can also try putting something under the feet of the head end of her bassinet to elevate it so that she is sleeping on a bit of an incline. I’ve heard it work more for reflux issues, but it might be worth a try.
      Some other thoughts… (Though, I will say, I have three children, and the only thing I really know is that kids are completely mysterious and each one is different, and I really know nothing about kids….)
      -Have you tried just waiting a few minutes before picking her up? I’ve found that sometimes when they startle themselves in the middle of the night, they are still asleep so if i wait a few minutes they will settle back down. Not cry it out, per se, but just a pause to observe and see if they can figure it out themselves.
      -I also co-slept with all my kids when they were infants – because that’s just what it took for me to get sleep. I would sleep on a futon mattress on the floor so that I wouldn’t have to worry about them falling out of bed. Or sometimes I would sleep in a recliner with the baby in the carrier.
      -Also if the immediate issue is that you need sleep – can you trade off with a partner? Before our babies slept through the night, my husband and I staggered our sleep schedules so that he slept 10a-3:30a, and I slept 3a – 7:30a – it’s brutal and no one is getting anywhere enough sleep, but at least we were each sleeping uninterrupted stretches (well, almost) With our first, he would feed a bottle. With our subsequent children, he would bring the baby to me and I would sleepily nurse and then go back to sleep while he took care of diaper and putting the baby back down (or he would just hang out with them until I got up.) It doesn’t help with the baby sleeping, but I think at some point, babies are just rough and you can’t change them, so the best tactic is to figure out how to take care of yourself first.

    7. RagingADHD*

      The Baby Whisperer book describes a technique we found helpful, which was to lay the baby down and gently keep your hand and forearm resting on them (like a weighted blanket) until they pass that moment of jerking and their breathing gets deeper.

      The jerking is when they are passing from one sleep phase to the next, and sometimes they need help learning to do it.

      Don’t despair – the first 6 to 8 weeks are a mess, and that’s normal. There’s a lot of scaremongering out there about “start as you mean to go on,” etc.

      It’s mostly bullshit. Sleep is a developmental thing, and most parents whose babies sleep easily believe it’s because they used a maguc technique.

      In reality, they just lucked into the right approach for their baby, at the right stage of development.

      Your babg wil learn to sleep, just like they’ll learn to walk and use the potty. You can encourage it and not interfere with it, but ultimately you cannot make it happen. They’ll do it when they’re ready.

      I hope you can get a break and some support so you can get rest, too. I know it’s exhausting.

      1. Double A*

        If the arm on chest thing works, you could also try the “nested bean” sleep sack which is supposed to mimic that weight.

        We got it for my daughter when she was about 3 months old, and as soon and see did she immediately started sleeping…on her side haha. So it didn’t work for us. But 1 month they can’t really roll on their side.

        1. RagingADHD*

          I was inder the impression that as long as you put them on their back, rolling isn’t dangerous.

          Our second started sleeping on her stomach at some point (a few months), because she’d bust out of the swaddle and flip herself over. She was able to roll back when she wanted, so we figured there was no point fighting it.

          1. Pregnant during COVID*

            Yes! I have a feeling this will get better when she can roll herself over in a couple of months, because she loves to be on her stomach.

          2. Natalie*

            That’s correct, once they can roll themselves into a position, it’s fine for them to sleep in that position. (Plus, good luck getting them to not do it.)

          3. Natalie*

            Oh, and you made the right call – once they can roll they shouldn’t be swaddled anyway!

    8. Pocket Mouse*

      A friend used a sleep jacket of sorts that kind of held the baby’s arms out to the side, so that the reflex wasn’t as pronounced and startled the baby awake less frequently. Not finding the product in a quick search, but wanted to let you know of the option!

      1. Fellow Traveller*

        Oooh! The Merlin Sleep Suit. Many of my friends swear by it. ( It didn’t work for our kids.) It’s also the kind of thing you can find for sale used because the life span of it is pretty short.
        Also one more thought, one of my friends also had a fake hand that they used to put on the baby’s chest to help them sleep because it mimics a caregiver’s arm. I mean do your research and assess your risk tolerance for such sleep aids, but my friend said it was magical. https://thezaky.com/products/the-zaky-hug

    9. Natalie*

      It should be safe to introduce a pacifier if that is something you’re interested in. That can help babies self-soothe when they awaken at night.

      1. RagingADHD*

        If they’ll take it. Mine would just get mad.

        One of the funniest things I remember from the early baby days with my first was my MIL trying sooooo hard to make her take a pacifier. She’d stand there and physically hold it in, like Hans Brinker at the dike, and the second she let go, baby would projectile-spit that thing across the room.

        2. Natalie*

          Ha, true, it’s one of those nuclear submarine situation I suppose. Both parent and baby have a veto.

    10. Pregnant during COVID*

      Thanks everyone for the encouragement and all the great suggestions. It’s good to know that this is “just the way it is” until the baby develops her sleep skills, but you gave me some new things to try. Also the fake hand from Fellow Traveller gave a chuckle – the struggle is real! :)

    11. Observer*

      Make sure her tummy is doing ok.

      If that isn’t the issue, put her on her stomach. Some kids simply won’t sleep on their backs.

      Of course, make sure there is nothing in the crib, the mattress needs to be firm and the sheet is properly fitted.

      2. allathian*

        Once she can roll over by herself, sleeping on her stomach is okay, but not before then. In the 80s and 90s, when it was still recommended for babies to sleep on their stomachs, sudden infant death syndrome was a lot more common than it is today. I’m in Finland, and here the incidence of SIDS dropped by more than 70 percent when pediatricians started to recommend that babies should sleep on their backs until they’re old enough to turn themselves.

        Some babies sleep best when they’re swaddled, just like many adults prefer a weighted blanket.

        1. Observer*

          . In the 80s and 90s, when it was still recommended for babies to sleep on their stomachs, sudden infant death syndrome was a lot more common than it is today. I’m in Finland, and here the incidence of SIDS dropped by more than 70 percent when pediatricians started to recommend that babies should sleep on their backs until they’re old enough to turn themselves.

          True, but this doesn’t mean as much as many people think.

          The problem is that the trend lines on SIDS follow the trend lines on several other issues that we know correlate with risk of SIDS – the rate of smoking has gone down, the rate of nursing has gone up, and the way cribs are set up has changed (no loose items, no pillows, firm mattresses with tightly fitted sheets, no puffy bumpers, etc.)

          Like I said, I would try the other things first. But it’s important to realize that infants NEED solid sleep, so if the other stuff works, you do what you need to do.

          1. Pregnant during COVID*

            Thanks for sharing this. I was curious why the recommendation literally flipped from stomach sleeping to back sleeping. It makes sense that there are additional factors to consider.

    12. Jules the First*

      One more thing to try…human babies are born without having all the wiring quite finished. So a newborn (under 3-4 months old) needs an adult in the room (preferably within arms reach) to help them regulate breathing and heartbeat while they sleep (they apparently use your breath to time theirs). So if you’re trying to put her down and leave, that likely won’t work for a few more months. The good news is that there’s absolutely no developmental reason why overnight sleep needs to be different than daytime sleep…so she can continue to “nap” in the evenings wherever she does by day, and you can move her to bed when you retire for the night.

  44. Seeking Second Childhood*

    Does anyone out there know swingsets that are rated for adults? Swings are soothing (and surprisingly decent stretch-exercise for my frozen shoulder). But I have no trees with limbs at the right height to mount one.
    I have some experience building, so plans to DIY are possible. (Although I’d be asking for family help because this shoulder refuses to carry two gallons of milk at a time, let alone lumber.)

    2. Not So NewReader*

      There are patio swings and gliders- Lowes and Walmart have some. You can probably find them in other places. You won’t need a tree branch.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        I, er, actually have two glider benches… I want a real honest to goodness chain or rope swing with a seat! I’ve just raised the subject with my family and I’m asking for help to get or build one for Mother’s Day.
        Still hoping for suggestions, otherwise it’ll probably be a kludge made from decking components from BigBoxStore.

    4. Kate R. Pillar*

      A cheap way to DIY this indoors is to mount a tension chin-up bar in a doorframe (that is designed to take the weight of an adult) and then mount a swingset to this using metal clamps.

  45. Lizzie*

    When I had a mastectomy, a breast cancer support group (Zonta) gave everyone having this procedure a very soft crescent shaped cushion to tuck under your arm to provide a bit of padding between your arm and your side. The cushions have a bit of ribbon that goes over your shoulder. I think you might find something like that to be comfy in bed as well as during the day, it alleviates the weight of your arm being against your side all the time, stops your armpit getting too hot etc. If you search for the words Zonta breast cushion, you will see what they look like, and they are easy to make with just a thin scarf and a bit of cushion stuffing so I hope you can co-opt someone to make one for you! Best wishes to you, and a simple recovery.

      1. Ouch!*

        Thank you! My lovely mother is struggling to deal with this from afar, and I know she’ll feel better if I can give her something helpful to do, this will be perfect, and sounds really nice to have

  46. Potatoes gonna potate*

    Kind of a dumb question related to tech. I have a laptop (HP) and second monitor (Samsung). I bought both last year when I had to WFH. The issue I’m having is that 95% of the time when my laptop goes to sleep or I shut it, the second monitor will not come on unless I unplug both the power and HDMI cable several times. It’s pretty annoying. I’ve been having this problem from day 1 so I can’t say something came undone during moving. I never bought a warranty and they’re both literally a few days past the 1 year mark. Is there anything I should be doing differently? Something in the settings or am I SOL?

    1. AnonEmployee*

      Not sure of the root cause, but you could try using the Windows key + P keyboard combination to connect the external monitor to see if that works.

    2. HamlindigoBlue*

      I would update drivers and BIOS on the laptop. There may be an update from HP already available to fix this.

      1. Anima*

        Yes, update!
        I had the same issue (but on Linux) and somehow switching the cable to the other output (no new cables, just interchanging them) helped (had two monitors). Also, try to change first and second monitor in settings, save that, then undo it, save that. Helped sometimes in my case. In the end I needed an update, which came sooner or later (open source…).
        (Wow, I’m in tech and this sounds like voodoo – but it do be like that sometimes, it seems. Don’t get me started on printers…)

        1. Anima*

          Ah, I meant to advise you to try to use a different port, but HDMI should only exist once on your Laptop. Sorry, misread.

      1. HamlindigoBlue*

        Yes, this too. You might also check the settings on the monitor itself. Sometimes there is a power setting menu in there somewhere.

  47. Mimmy*

    Content note: Female stuff / menopause
    –
    –
    –
    Has anyone ever heard of menopause reversing itself? I think it might be happening to me. (Yes, I saw a doctor the other day). I last had my period in August of 2018, shortly before turning 45. When I had my annual exam in July of 2019, the nurse practitioner I saw essentially confirmed it based on my report of when my last period was and her observation of my lady parts.

    Fast forward 2.5 years later, and things seemed to have woken up. No period yet but other things have happened that I haven’t had in nearly 3 years. I went to a gynecologist on Tuesday. She was a bit puzzled but not concerned; she did say that having a period after this much time (2-3 years) is not likely, so if it does occur, I may need an ultrasound.

    I’ve been researching and can’t find anything about menopause reversing itself except for one case study from 2007 that was very technical. One thing that crossed my mind is the COVID vaccine. I have read about it temporarily causing heavier periods, but not about any impact on menopause. I’m not suggesting a direct link, but it is an interesting coincidence as I had my shots on 3/11 and 4/8 (Moderna).

    I know the best advice is from my doctor. I was just curious if anyone has heard of anything similar to what I’m experiencing.

    1. Alex*

      Happened to my mom. She went to her doc and he said “You’re getting younger!” I can’t remember the exact timeline. She was much older than you but also had menopause rather late generally. It was over a year though.

      He gave her a D&C and I think that was that.

    2. nep*

      Interesting.
      My last period was around two years ago. From time to time I will have very slight pains/sensations reminiscent of menstrual pain, but it’s fleeting and it hasn’t happened much.
      I’ll be interested to hear other feedback here, and to know what you find out.

    3. D3*

      Only once, and it turned out to be a tumor, which is probably what they’d be looking for with an ultrasound.
      I’ve not heard of the vaccine causing heavy periods except from an antivaxxer who cites it as evidence of the vaccine destroying fertility as part of a secret plan to reduce world population, so whatever.

      1. Enough*

        There is a study going on now as a number of women have reported changes in their period but it does seem to only effect one cycle.

      2. RagingADHD*

        I have heard a number of anecdotes about women getting their period a day or 2 early and/or heavier than normal, but this is well within normal range of what any type of physical stress can do to your period anyway.

        1. RussianInTexas*

          It happened to me! I only realized the coincidence when I heard this theory, and checked my calendar, and yes, the cycle was shorter by about 3 days each time. But it happened to me before when I had a bad flu, so it’s probably as you said, stress on the system.

    4. I'm A Little Teapot*

      There are examples of women having surprise pregnancies much later, so it doesn’t seem too crazy that there could be a “last gasp” of fertility/menstruation. Do the due diligence your doctor recommends, but I wouldn’t worry. By definition your hormones are out of wack, so crazy stuff goes with the territory.

      1. My mother would kill me for telling this story*

        Anecdotally, one of my great-grandmothers had a child at 54. My brother snorted and said she had probably adopted an illegitimate grandchild — until we found a dated photo of her and she was Oh. So. Definitely. Pregnant.

        1. allathian*

          How many children did she have?

          My grandmother had her first child when she was 25 (my mom) and her last when she was 45, a total of 10 full-term pregnancies (one baby had a congenital heart defect and died when he was a few days old). The first 4 came about once a year, but there were a few longer gaps, so it’s probable that she had a few miscarriages as well, although she never hinted anything like that, certainly not to me.

    5. J. F.*

      Post menopausal bleeding is a warning sign for some pretty serious stuff so please do follow up with your doc!

      That said, an acquaintance of mine who thought she was all done with menopause instead had a surprise “last hurrah” baby at 47. Bodies are weird!

    6. Generic Name*

      From what I understand it’s not super uncommon to think you’re done with periods and then get a surprise period. Some people even get pregnant because they were still fertile after they thought they’d gone through menopause. Look up the term “change of life baby”. This happened to an acquaintance of mine. They had 2 college age kids and were in their early fifties and had a surprise baby.

    7. RagingADHD*

      I went to visit a friend a few years ago who hadn’t bled for about 18 months and thought she was done. We are the same age but I still get mine.

      I was having mine on the trip, and then she got one! I have no idea if it was related, but in general I think body stuff has a lot fewer sharp lines than we usually think.

    8. allathian*

      The technical definition of menopause is 1 year after your last period, but some women do get periods after a longer break. But if it does, it’s best to check up.

    9. Cambridge Comma*

      Is there a teenager who menstruates in your life? A friend’s periods returned a few years after what she thought was menopause when her daughter started.

    10. NRG*

      You can have some fits and starts for a few years. I just had a cycle at 54, 8 months after the last one, which was 11 months after the one before that. One of my grandmothers got pregnant at 54, 2 years after what she thought was “the end.” Ha ha! The possible vaccine link is interesting. I’d be fascinated to see some larger scale statistics.

    11. WS*

      Happened to my mother – she thought she was done at 55, but at 58 had six months of periods, then that was that. My partner just had the vaccine and did have a heavier and earlier period after that, but she’s only peri-menopausal, not all the way there. It is something that happens, but you should get checked out because there’s a small chance that something like a tumour or an overlooked fibroid is causing the problems. Most likely it’s nothing, but definitely worth making sure.

    12. Bluebell*

      I had bleeding more than a year after my last period, so had to have an ultrasound, which was not fun. Luckily there wasn’t a second bleeding episode.

    13. Sleeping Late Every Day*

      I developed bleeding problems when I was 56, but I had not missed any periods previous to that. The GYN I saw assumed late messy start to menopause and I had a D&C. Same problem two years later. I wound up seeing one of his partners, and she tested my hormone levels, which were still super active. She also did a biopsy, and it turned out I had endometrial cancer. As the oncology surgeon said, since it all had to come out, at least I wouldn’t wind up in the Guinness Book with a baby in my 60s, which is where they thought I was heading. :)

  48. Paralegal Part Deux*

    Does anyone own a Nissan Rogue? I’m going to look at one and wanted to know the pros/cons of owning one.

    1. Enough*

      Bought one for my daughter very quickly. She had to go back to school (21 hrs drive) in 2 days and her car was just not worth fixing. She really likes it and works well for her. Just make sure you get tinted windows. Hers aren’t and hers got very hot although the fact she was in Texas made it worse. Now that she is in PA it’s better. She has a 2017 that we bought used in 2019.

    2. Ali G*

      I have one! i love it! Mine is a 2011, so the older body. It’s held up great. I haven’t had any significant mechanical issues on almost 10 years. I plan to drive it another 10 years (I drive cars until they die). Highly recommend.

    3. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

      My mother owns a 2018 Rogue, so this is mostly secondhand but I did drive it once. It is rock solid on the highway — feels like a luxury car and is quiet. It will not win any drag races, but has adequate power for normal driving. It’s very roomy. My mother has about 45k miles on it and has had no issues at all.

    4. Paralegal Part Deux*

      Well, I bought it. Its a 2018 with 28k miles on it but bought it certified, so it came Othello a 100k/7 year warranty. It’s going to take some getting used to, to go from an Altima to the Rogue but so far love it! The only thing I don’t like is that I don’t have my mph in the middle of my information center like I did on my Altima, so I’m having to adjust to that. Otherwise, it drives great, and it has great features.

  49. Coenobita*

    Should we keep our foster dog? We still have the senior boxer who came to stay with us in January (!) because the rescue is still deciding if he’s healthy enough to adopt out. (I’m not privy to those discussions but I feel like the lack of a decision is a decision in and of itself – otherwise they would have made him available to adopt by now! He was found as a stray and has a variety of medical issues, but his health is stable and his quality of life is good for now.)

    Anyway, he is a grouchy old man and we love him. My wife is not a dog person and she loves him. Half of our conversations are just “LOOK AT HIM, I LOVE HIM” because he is doing something unbearably cute just by existing. He takes up our entire king-size bed and snores so loud that my coworkers can hear him over zoom. His favorite treat is graham crackers and he sits on the couch like a person and he prefers to have his head on at least two pillows when he’s lying down. We accidentally taught him to respond to “Baby” instead of the name the rescue gave him because that is what we call him.

    Our townhouse full of stairs and my expected post-pandemic work schedule is probably not a great fit for a large, ailing, geriatric dog but he is simply the best. We’re fine in limbo here for a while, partially because, as a foster, the rescue pays all his vet bills and (while we could definitely afford it, no problem) I’m not going to say no to that. But it would be really nice to know that he’s our dog. The rescue actively encourages foster-failing so that’s not an issue.

    What do you think?

    1. fposte*

      Does the rescue have different standards for adoption, or are you a shoo-in? I’m just wondering if something like the stairs would suddenly become an issue on their end. Will anyone be at home with him when you go back to the office? If he loses the ability to climb stairs unassisted, can both of you assist him? Can he live a full life, including access to the outdoors as needed, on one level?

      I don’t mean those are dealbreakers, but they’re things to consider. I’d lean toward a mental accounting of thinking I’d keep him unless they found him a great home with weightlifters who live in a ranch house.

      1. Coenobita*

        That’s a great question – I hadn’t thought of that, but the rescue is pretty relaxed with its requirements and we’re almost definitely a shoo-in. We’re a trusted foster family for them and have handled some difficult situations with good outcomes (including recognizing when a foster dog’s needs were beyond our capacity) so I think they would give us the benefit of the doubt. There are also a couple of other fosters/volunteers who would jump to take him if it didn’t work out for some reason.

        Anyway, I don’t think any of the house or lifestyle issues are deal-breakers. We would certainly need to adjust some things (mostly related to our schedules) but it’s all do-able. For example, the dog had surgery on a hind leg right before coming to stay with us and we figured out a good way to help him up & down the stairs using a harness with handles; the main floor of our house also has access to a small patio area so he could hypothetically live full time on that level. I think the fact that we have seriously thought about these things probably shows how we feel about keeping him :)

    2. Reba*

      What about your spouse’s work schedule? I feel like this good old dude probably needs somebody around much of the time. If you can do that, I say ask to keep him.

      We got our senior ish dog in October and I totally know what you mean, she’ll just be sitting there doin nothin and it’s like MY HEART!!

      1. Coenobita*

        Awww yes, that’s exactly what it’s like! <3

        (He definitely prefers having his people around but he is also surprisingly chill about being left alone. We thought he had serious separation anxiety at first… turns out he just hates the crate. I mean, I get it! Now that he's fully up to speed on house training he just runs upstairs and sleeps on our bed while we're out. I think there are some things we'd just need to solve with money, like hiring a dogwalker to let him out during the day.)

    3. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I say keep him! He’s a big lazy lumpus and brings your wife joy. He will adapt to your schedule and will probably just sleep the day away like G-d intended for canine white noise generators.

    4. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I … kinda think you should probably keep him because – and don’t get me wrong, I totally understand how this happens – it sounds like you’re teaching him a lot of bad habits that an adoptive family might not be down with. Sleeping in the bed, climbing on the furniture, using all the pillows. If he does go up for adoption and someone else adopts him, they might not want a bed-sleeping couch-sitting dog, and it’ll be that much harder for him to adjust later on. Like I said, don’t get me wrong, I totally understand how you get there, I have my own bed-sleeping couch-sitting pillow hogs, so definitely not judging!

      As far as the stairs and a large geriatric dog: we did have to cut my (70 lb) Elder Statesdog off from the stairs when her arthritis and vision issues got bad enough that she def couldn’t go down the stairs by herself and was prone to slipping and panic even with help. (Note: going up stairs stays doable a lot longer than going down stairs, which makes sense when I consider that I wouldn’t be super keen on going down the stairs with my head lower than my butt even in the best of health, and if I was mostly blind and had mobility issues, no way.) We put a baby gate at the bottom of the stairs to the second floor, and now she’s limited to the main level of the house for her safety. (That wasn’t super new to her, we already had a gate at the top of the basement stairs because the basement is the cats’ no-doggy safe zone.) She’d have a bit easier time if I had carpeting on this level instead of hardwood, but we have rugs where we can and that helps. We just put a doggy ramp on the deck last week, so she can get down into the grass without using the deck stairs – that took a few days first to get her comfortable using it, then to get her to remember where it is (she’s got doggy dementia too), but that seems to be going well. :) You can get harnesses for dogs that are more than just straps, that actually wrap fully around the dog’s body, that have handles or even clip-on shoulder straps to help people who need to help their doggos with mobility issues – the idea isn’t that you carry the dog with it like a suitcase or something, but you can help give them support where their own bodies are weak, without increased risk of injury to yourself or to them through awkward carrying.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        (Also, in my first paragraph, there totally should have been air quotes around “bad habits.” Big dramatic air quotes.)

      2. Coenobita*

        haha yeah, that’s a good point. We/the rescue initially thought his prognosis was worse and his time was going to be very limited, so why bother enforcing house manners! We stepped up the training once we realized that he was going to make it, but we get a lot of joy out of having him on the furniture.

    5. tangerineRose*

      I think you should keep him because he brings you both joy, and large, ailing, geriatric dogs are hard to find homes for.

    6. KR*

      As the dog mom to a geriatric 15 year old good boy… it sounds like you love him and appreciate him so I would keep him if the rescue allows you to. If you don’t want to be responsible for his vet bills long term the rescue may be willing to keep supporting him or give you assistance with the bills on an as needed basis. Not everyone appreciates how great old dogs are and it sounds like you and your wife do, so my vote is to keep him because it’s rare to find someone that loves and tolerates old boys.

      Signed – my 15 year old old boy loves sitting on the couch even though he can’t get up on the bed anymore, loves his soft beds, likes to bark when people arrive even if they have been here 10 minutes and he is just noticing we have a visitor, and is the cutest good boy in the world probably (no offense to your good boy)

  50. OyHiOh*

    What’s gathered around the bird feeder this week?

    I’ve no amazing sightings. Lots of house wrens and chipping sparrows at the front yard feeder but it’s been cold and damp all week and I haven’t ventured further afield.

    1. GoryDetails*

      My pair of cardinals showed off during yesterday’s snowstorm; big fluffy flakes set them off beautifully!

    2. RagingADHD*

      We forgot our door wreath when we took holiday decorations down, and there is a wee tiny sparrow nest in it, right in front of the glass. She had three eggs, and my daughter named her Ethel.

      We put a sign on the door for deliveries to use the side door.

    3. MissCoco*

      No amazing sightings, but enjoying my orange and red house finches showing off always brings a smile to my face

    4. Ali G*

      The blue jays are sparring. We have a nest in our yard that they come back to every year. They are so pretty.

    5. Pam Adams*

      Sparrows everywhere! They love to nest in our tile roof and giant sage bushes.

      Also, I saw a very annoyed hummingbird chase a crow out of the yard. I guess he wanted to insist that ALL the blossoms on the pomelo tree belonged to him.

    6. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Despite us mounting “you don’t want to nest here” sparkly foil, the kingbirds are still patrolling our back yard for insects. I love looking out and seeing one balanced on the shepherd’s hook.
      We’ve heard the hawks more than seen them…possibly because a family of crows has taken up residence in the pines at the foot of the driveway.

    7. allathian*

      Last fall, our son made a birdhouse at school. Yesterday we put it up in a corner of our garden that we rarely spend any time in. So we’ll see if some tit makes it a home.

    8. Not Australian*

      A goldfinch on the wire outside our window – very rare around here as we’re usually too urban for them.

  51. OyHiOh*

    Got my Pfizer shot one this morning. Historically, I have delayed but strong reactions to shots so I’m kinda expecting the first part of the work week to be trash. My community got one of the pilot FEMA sites and it was smooth sailing. Well run, efficient, friendly. Up till now, the pandemic responses in my community have all been run by Public Health or third party labs so having soldiers all over the place was a little weird but – most important the medic who gave my shot was very good. Barely felt it at all. Was advised to take Tylenol upon getting home (so around 30 minutes after getting stuck). Feels good to be doing my part.

    1. nep*

      Great news.
      I was fortunate to get in on a ‘partnership’ my small city did with RiteAid to administer 300 doses of the Pfizer vaccine. Got it Thursday morning at our local community center quite near my house. It was very well run.
      Arm soreness, esp the night of, but that diminished quite a bit by the next day and now pretty much gone. Bracing for the effects after second dose…
      (As I’ve heard has been the case with others, the day after I got it, I got the automated call from Meijer that they have a slot for me. Good to know things are moving like that.)
      Hope your reaction won’t be bad. All the best.

    2. Reba*

      Yay! last weekend I took a relative and a couple friends on a little road trip to get shots at a FEMA site. We were none of us prepared to see the people in uniform directing traffic!

    3. AnonEmployee*

      I also received the Pfizer vaccine, and had nothing, no arm pain, no fever, *maybe* a little achy but I was really expecting more! My husband received the Moderna vaccine, and while he had no issues with the first shot, he had body aches, and a slight temp with the second. I really feel it’s all in your body chemistry. I usually feel crappy after my yearly Flu shot, so was surprised this one was barely a blip.

      1. Pfizer Pfan*

        re: body chemistry
        I agree 100% — the people I know who are in elevated risk groups seem to be feeling the aches more than the ones who aren’t.

    4. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

      I got a nearly painless Pfizer 1st shot from an army medic yesterday! Only real problem was the parking-Google maps sent me to the wrong lot. It’s kinda weird to be already vaccinated, at least for the 1st one-I was expecting to wait until summer since I have no risk factors and wasn’t anxious about it.

      1. OyHiOh*

        Same here. My birthday is early July and I really wasn’t expecting to have access to shots before then. But this is an open access “anyone over age 16” site and I saw a lot of cars with at least one adult and at least one older teen come in while I was in post shot holding so families with older kids appear to be going all in now.

        1. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

          I’ve seen some of your comments about expecting to get vaccinated in July+ and was always like, “same, same, we’ll be in the late batches of the last group” so I was actually rather amused we got vaccinated within a day of each other. Isn’t it lovely to be proven wrong about the timing?

    5. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I had no trouble with Pfizer shot 1, but I felt like I’d been hit by a truck (body aches and nausea) almost exactly 24 hours after shot 2. And it hit super fast. Like, at the 24 hour mark I was fine, but literally ten minutes later I was collapsing onto the couch whimpering. On the plus side, I went to bed early that night (all the yuck kicked in about 5:40pm, I went to bed at 8) and felt perfectly normal the next morning when I woke up, not even a sore arm from the actual physical injection.

      1. Windchime*

        This happened to me with my second Moderna shot. Got it at 2 PM. The next day around noon, I started feeling chilly. By 2 PM, I was huddled in bed under an electric blanket with sever chills and a fever of 101. A couple of doses of Tylenol later, I felt pretty much OK.

      2. Sleeping Late Every Day*

        I had a lot of arm pain for about 4 days after my first Pfizer shot. No pain at all on the second one. Strange how it varies.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Same! First one hurt like billy-o (which didn’t surprise me, I have whiny biceps – that’s why I generally prefer injections in my gluteus when it’s an option), and the second one was completely un-noticeable.

    6. Filosofickle*

      I had nothing after my first beyond one evening of sore arm. But Monday is my second and I’m not looking forward to what might be. Congrats and good luck!

    7. me*

      I had alll the side effects with my first Pfizer, but only a very mild fever for a few hours for the second one. Congrats!

      I went to a mass vaccination site run by the national guard. They were efficient and friendly. Loved it.

    8. Max Kitty*

      I got my second Pfizer this week. That evening I felt a bit like I was coming down with something, but the next day I felt fine except for being a bit extra tired and my arm hurt. Nothing much since. I feel fortunate!

      2. acmx*

        I hope my 2nd Pfizer is like this! I’m a bit nervous. Never had the flu so I don’t have much to compare/help prepare.

        1. nep*

          Same. I’ve not had the flu (that I know of) in ages nor do I get the vaccine.
          I have cleared my calendar for the following day or two (and fortunately that’s leading into the weekend). Fingers crossed and full speed ahead.

          1. acmx*

            Yeah, no flu vaccine either here.
            Mine’s on a Thurs and have Fri off already.
            Fingers crossed for both of us!

      3. The Other Dawn*

        I had my second Pfizer shot on Wednesday. My arm started getting a little sore that night and was sore Thursday, but it was less than with the first shot. Thursday night I felt kind of tired with a headache. Yesterday I was fine in the morning, but around noon I started feeling kind of crappy and run down, like I was coming down with something. My arm was fine, though. Today I’m fine.

      4. TiffIf*

        I got my second Pfizer 2 weeks ago–first 12 hours I was fine, then boom, mild fever, chills, fatigue, headache. I took off work and slept most of the day. Then about 26 hours after the shot I felt perfectly fine. I have never had such a marked or well defined feeling ill/suddenly feeling absolutely fine.

    9. twocents*

      I got Pfizer too. The next day, I felt like someone had punched me really hard in the arm but that’s it. No major side effects. I get the second dose at the end of the month so we’ll see how that goes.

    10. Not A Manager*

      Just got my second Moderna shot two days ago. I worried that the first one hadn’t worked at all because I had no discomfort, not even arm pain. This was not a worry for Shot Two. I had a good 36 hours of fever, chills, fatigue and body aches. I guess it’s working just fine!

      No complaints here. I was very uncomfortable for those 36 hours and can only imagine how awful actual COVID would be, even if it was the “mild” kind. I’m quite in awe of medical technology, and very thankful.

      1. NoLongerYoung*

        Thanks for sharing about the Moderna #2.

        I just got Moderna #1 and had some fatigue, and minor headaches off and on (Starting about 6 hours after). But also got it on one of the most stressful days of my life, so… could have been the letdown after 2 interviews and signing mortgage paperwork (which I did in the interval between the shot and 6 pm). So… thank you for sharing so I do not overplan next time! I at least picked a Thursday…

    11. Chaordic One*

      Second Moderna shot on Thursday. Fever, chills, headache, body aches. I’ll feel fine for a couple of hours, then be cold. Then feel hot. Then I’ll be fine for a while. I called in sick on Friday. Slept all morning Friday and then wondered if maybe I should have logged-in to work after all. Had stuff to do today, but nothing is getting done. I might make a quick run to the grocery store and try to do a couple of loads of laundry. But then again, I might not. I’ve been resisting taking anything but I might break down take some acetaminophen. All things considered the risks and side effects from the vaccine are much less and less severe than those of contracting COVID-19, so I’m glad that I’ve been able to be vaccinated.

    12. Elenna*

      Congrats! My parents got their first shot last weekend, which was nice. I’m 24 and working from home so I probably won’t get it for another month or two (I’m in Canada). They didn’t have any symptoms besides arm pain and a little fatigue. We’ll see what happens with the second one in a few months…

  52. lil wheezy*

    Does anyone use Discord & can recommend servers, particularly for 25+? I just made an account to keep up with long distance friends and peeked at some public servers only to find a mostly teen audience which ain’t it for me lol. Movies, tv, books, cooking, gaming – anything really!

    1. TiffIf*

      So true story, I didn’t actually realize Discord worked that way until recently since I only use it for my specific private gaming group.

      I don’t have any suggestions, sorry!

  53. Sandra Dee*

    So…….I just purchased a small teardrop trailer for spring/summer/fall camping. Due to current life circumstances, I am spending a lot of time out of town helping family, and hope to use this as a home away from home, because as much as I love my family, I also love my peace and quiet, and my own personal space (instead of my nephew’s bedroom). Looking for must have items, things that will make life easier, and other recommendations and suggestions. It will be a minimalistic lifestyle, with all of the conveniences of home, including stove, microwave, toilet and shower, and room for my dog. Looking forward to our new adventures.

    1. Not My Money*

      What did you get? I really want one but my spouse isn’t quite on board yet so I’m trying to find things to show him.

      1. Sandra Dee*

        I purchased a Braxton Creek Bushwacker Plus 17HB. It has 2 bunks on one end and the dining area folds to a queen size bed. Sleeps 4. Just me and a dog, but may have nieces and nephews periodically with me. It is one of the very lightweight teardrop trailers that can be pulled with many different vehicles. I am looking forward to being a little nomadic, but still on the grid.

        1. Melody Pond*

          That’s awesome, thanks for sharing the one you got. I’d love to get a teardrop trailer someday!

    2. Seeking Second Childhood*

      After hearing about a friend’s experience living out of a converted cargo van for a year, I highly recommend bringing along a crochet hook and some cotton yarn. She made cargo nets & food storage hammocks to fit the exact size & shape of her van’s corners. Anyone who asks her how she did it, she tells them to start with a search on “van life” –and it really does turn up a lot.

    3. Not Australian*

      Treat yourself to one (or more) microporous camping towels, large size. They fold up to almost nothing, are very light, and dry in a fraction of the time it would take a normal towel. In a small space, the last thing you need is a wet towel hanging around.

  54. Antony J Crowley*

    Did anyone else watch the Duke of Edinburgh’s funeral?

    I am so not a royalist, and very much not a fan of Prince Philip at all, but I still found myself tearing up. The idea of losing someone after being married to them for over 70 years is devastating.

    1. Max Kitty*

      I didn’t watch, but I just saw a picture of the Queen sitting alone in the chapel because of distancing. So sad.

      1. CTT*

        That really got to me; it made me think of all the people who have had to the thing over this past year+

    2. Xavier Desmond*

      I’ll probably get this comment removed but I’d rather watch paint dry than watch the funeral of an overpriveleged old racist

      3. Venus*

        The TV show HIGNFY had a good line “If anyone is offended by tonight’s jokes about Prince Philip, then good. It’s what he would have wanted.”

    3. Lifelong student*

      I watched it. I thought the whole thing was done well- the scaling down of it meant less people watching and a more personal service. I thought the choir of 4 was fantastic and much nicer than mass voices and loudness. It was simple in some ways, impressive in others but a harmonious combination of the two styles.

      1. Pippa K*

        I felt the same. The stark aesthetic of so few people in contrast to the grand space and the usual expectations of major state occasions – it was moving, despite my lack of emotion regarding the man himself.

    4. Jen Erik*

      I watched it. Probably count myself a royalist, in that I think the Queen has been a good head of state, and I’d rather have her than Thatcher or Blair or whoever we’d have got instead. (Though, Monarchy as a system, flawed – I’d vote for running it until 2047, and then a sensible transition. )
      I thought the music was lovely, and loved the bands, and the sense that it was a family funeral. I was so sorry for the Queen, having to sit by herself. It’s so sad – I think it’s the price of a long marriage, that the loss is so great.

      1. Clisby*

        Queen Elizabeth is not comparable to Thatcher or Blair, or any other prime minister. The prime minister actually has power.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      Yeah, I looked at the pics and I felt bad for QE sitting there by herself. Gosh.
      I was really surprised to read about his life, he had a really rocky launch in life. It kind of softened my opinion of him… some what.

    6. Nicki Name*

      I’m not a fan of the monarchy, but I’m fascinated by all the logistical details involved, even for what is, by royal standards, a relatively simple affair.

      (Book recommendation: How to Bury a King, by the guy in charge of Richard III’s reinterment ceremony.)

    7. KR*

      I’m not shedding any tears for the Duke of Edinburgh, but I definitely feel for the queen. I can’t imagine losing my husband after being with him for that long and I can’t imagine how sad she must feel.

  55. Yellow Warbler*

    Anyone have advice on dealing with the slow mail? I’ve changed as many bills to e-mail as I can, but there’s no more I can do.

    Our insurance requires us to get maintenance medication by mail in 90-day increments. My husband’s much-needed drugs never came, and we had to pay a fortune out of pocket to get some at the pharmacy. They showed up today, months late (along with a pile of Christmas cards).

    My real estate tax bill just showed up, with the due date for the early-bird discount passed. So that will cost me an extra 150 dollars. I can’t get them electronically, it’s not “done”.

    This is costing us a fortune and risking our health. I am so angry.

    1. Girasol*

      Can you get the pharmacy to send medications by UPS or FedEx? I know what you’re saying and I feel for you. I’ve had a bill and the notification of its overdue payment plus a late charge turn up side by side same day. We got Christmas cards in February. We’ve had mail go missing and it seems like we see mail and even packages addressed to neighbors and people across town a lot more often lately. We’re trying to avoid mail for anything important too, but there are just some times when you can’t.

    2. fposte*

      Yikes. Do you think there’s a local snag? At least with the medication presumably it was trackable so you could see where it went wrong.

      If it’s not local, I think all you can do is play an aggressive game of defense. Get Informed Delivery if you haven’t so you know what should be coming. Property tax has regular due dates, so you can look it up online or call the office for the amount due and then remit without the bill. Tell your pharmacy provider mail has been a problem and ask them what risk minimization is available. Can they use a private carrier instead?

      Sorry, that’s a pain, especially with the medication.

      1. D3*

        Our property taxes are different every year because rates change and value assessments change, there’s no way to remit without a bill telling you how much you owe.

    3. Kt*

      Call your senators. Seriously. This is a problem for people across the US, especially in rural areas, and the current postmaster wants to make it worse (he feels that delivering mail on time is not worth the money, because he’s running it like a business just like he’s been asked to do and everyone knows getting medications to people who need it isn’t worth anything unless they’re willing to pay more — that’s business!).

      1. Tris Prior*

        +1. Find out what congresscritter in your area is focusing on this cause and call/write/email them. I live in a Chicago neighborhood where the mail is very bad, we routinely go many weeks with zero mail delivery at all, and it’s our US Rep who’s taken on this cause with the USPS trying to get it solved for us. I’ve contacted her a few times now, it gets better, then the mail stops again, but overall it seems to be slowly improving.

    4. ronda*

      for the tax bill… do they offer online payment…. watch and see when the bills are sent and you can often look it up online and pay it.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Municipalities have to sign up for a page online for locals to pay online. Usually there is no charge to the municipality but the user pays a small service charge. (I have participated in this activity.) I would protest the late payment charge if you did not receive your bill in a timely manner. I think there are enough reasonable people left that you could get that late charge removed. This would be a good topic for a neighborhood forum if your community has one. You can’t be the only person in your municipality having this problem.

        I see there is a behind the scenes movement to make government more accessible to people. So now might be a good time to send that email or write a letter.

    5. Observer*

      Protest the late payment charge.

      And do some digging about getting the bill electronically – someone told you it’s “not done” does not actually meant that you can’t do it. In all likelihood it means that the system is poorly designed and someone is too lazy to deal with it.

  56. Sunflower*

    Does anyone use a silicone type egg boiler that they love?

    I love hard boiled egg whites but not so much the egg yolk. I want to hard boil the liquid egg whites I buy and need a mold of an egg to do this. Google is giving so many results but every single one seems to be an equal mix of 1 and 5 star reviews.

    1. Not A Manager*

      I have what’s marketed as an “egg poacher” that’s actually a steamer. It’s a silicone cup that you put the egg into, and then you float it on simmering water in a covered pot. You could easily pour egg whites into that. I have the FusionBrands PoachPod that was recommended by Cooks Illustrated. It’s sturdy and works well. I did get a counterfeit one time that was much flimsier and I had to return it.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        I think she’s talking about buying small cartons of just eggwhites.
        Sunflower, what about putting a small ramekin or custard cup in a covered double-boiler or instantpot? They’d be a different shape but same texture.

  57. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

    I’m pretty sure the answer is “nope”, but just in case anybody has any ideas…

    I’m training for a hiking vacation next month, so I am doing a ton of walking. Fine enough, but I am starting to get a bit bored. Normally I would just listen to an audiobook, but I already do that about 20-25 hours a week at work while doing data entry, so I don’t really want to do more. I don’t much like listening to music, and podcasts seem like they are pretty much like audiobooks. Can anybody think of any other options? Is there a handicraft that you can do while walking briskly?

    1. Pay No Attention To The Man Behind The Curtain*

      Photography or videography would be my suggestion. Snap a photo of a distant landmark at different stages of your walk.

    2. acmx*

      Dribble a basketball? LOL

      You could do a visual scavenger hunt. Color of rainbows, license plate games. Change your route even if means driving somewhere. (I’m assuming you’re walking around the neighborhood and not trails.)

    3. Max Kitty*

      Bring a bag and pick up some litter. Just scanning and looking for litter gives your brain something to do.

        1. Max Kitty*

          I had no idea there was a name for it, and I found reading about “plogging” very interesting. Thanks for mentioning!

        2. Teatime is Goodtime*

          Oh I love this! Thank you for teaching me a new word! I do this, not often enough, and I love that I can name it with a single word now. :) Yay!

        3. Fellow Traveller*

          Yes! Our county is having a plogging challenge, which is how I learned the word. Not that you need a word for picking up litter, but it is such a cozy word.

    4. nep*

      I once memorised a Hamlet soliloquy during walks (to be or not to be). Each day I was able to say more of it, and I would just keep starting at the top and repeating. It was a great way to commit it to memory and I had a blast with it.

      1. nep*

        (That kind of thing was when I was walking in the city / in neighbourhoods. But when I walk in the woods, I just go with where Nature and the air take me and it’s always amazing.)

      2. Teatime is Goodtime*

        I’ve done this! Or song lyrics, though singing is harder when walking vs. just standing around. I also have flash cards on a key ring so I can practice vocabulary.

    5. twocents*

      I listen to Zombies Run while I hike (despite the name, you don’t actually have to run), which features you living and surviving in the zombie apocalypse. Not sure if that’ll be different enough from podcasts to still scratch the itch?

      I also walk and read books (physical books) but that works best if you’re inside where no one else can mess with you. Some Nintendo Switch games can also be played while walking.

      None of the crafting I do could be done at a brisk walk, so got nothing there.

      1. allathian*

        Pokémon Go is my go-to for walking. Although at times I do put the phone in my pocket so I can swing my arms.

    6. AnonEmployee*

      Can you add some challenges, like hills nearby, which make you focus more on your form and foot placement? You will need to be cognizant of both when doing an actual hike.

    7. Sue Smith*

      I used to get bored walking in my neighborhood all the time, but then I decided to start noticing things. I look at architectural features, guess when a house was built, form opinions about the things I’d like in my next place. I look at shrubbery and other plants, and let myself stop and take a picture of something special. I hear birdsong and try to translate it into musical notation. I might look up birds or plants to identify them when I get home.
      If I’m on a trail in a wilder setting, I’m with someone else and we might talk some of the time (less so on the uphill!). Again, I pay attention to my surroundings. I stop to look at views or some moss or fungus.
      Taking an interest in what I see and hear has mostly removed the boredom, and keeps it from feeling like just a training grind.

      1. Fellow Traveller*

        There is a lovely book called “The Art of Noticing” by Rob Walker that has all sorts of prompts for things to observe in every day life. He has some great thoughts for both urban and non-urban wanders.

    8. Double A*

      I think podcasts are pretty different from audio books in terms of content, and the fact that each is its own self contained episode! I wouldn’t write them off.

      1. CheeryO*

        Agreed. I got burned out on listening to audiobooks during my runs really quickly, but I still love listening to podcasts. They are very different IMO.

      2. Anne Kaffeekanne*

        Good point! I never listen to audio books because the format doesn’t work for me at all, but I have been going through podcast after podcast on my hikes. There’s so many different podcasts, it might just be a matter of figuring out which ones will hold your interest – e.g. I like non-fiction, informative ones which do a really thorough deep dive on one specific topic.

    9. Pay No Attention To The Man Behind The Curtain*

      Photography and videography. If you have a smart phone no need for expensive equipment. Pick a distant landmark and take photos as you pass or near it to create a collage. Explore new settings on your device to see how depth of field or color changes.

    10. lemon meringue*

      I actually enjoy letting my mind wander while I’m walking . I will often use that time to think about the book that I’m writing–if you have any interesting in writing, you could use your walk time to brainstorm.

    11. Ridiculous Suggestions*

      I can’t think of any handicraft, but maybe you could listen to to something to teach yourself a second language. OTOH, maybe you could get a small tape recorder and dictate into it. You could start a novel.

    12. Cruciatus*

      I play Pokemon Go. It’s the only game I’ve stuck with this long (since 2016!) You have to be out and about in the real world. I was going to walk anyway, but the game makes it more fun (and I usually walk a little longer because of it). (Or relatedly, you could do Ingress, or geocaching).

    13. Not So NewReader*

      I have used walking time to think through some of the more difficult things going on in my life. Typically, the difficulty is such that all I need is one idea to start to break the difficulty down. This means I don’t need pen and paper to write down my conclusion. What I noticed is that by being out-and-about I felt freer, less encumbered. My thinking could get “unstuck” some what.

    14. Seeking Second Childhood*

      It is possible to knit while walking–a friend gave me historical background on ‘Supported Needle Method” but I just tucked the yarn into an oversized pocket. If you want more (like how do you hold half a sweater), start with Principles of Knitting dot com.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Unfortunately for me, “drop” was the key word in the name of that craft. I’ve tried. I never got the hang of it.
        I suppose someone good enough to crochet without looking at their hands could also do the same thing.

    16. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

      Thanks all! Lots more ideas than I was expecting, I’m glad I asked. I’ll give some of these a go.

    17. Not Australian*

      It actually *is* possible to knit while you walk, although I’ve never tried it. Crochet might be possible, though – and marginally less lethal in the event of an accident…

  58. Guava*

    If you needed to share news with a person would you wait to tell them in person or tell them another opportune time, even if it’s by mail or over the phone?

    I’m telling my mom good news, but if I wait to tell her in person my in laws will be told first since I’ll see them first. I’m leaning towards telling her on the phone/sending a package she can open since I think she’ll be butthurt if anyone else knew before her.

    Anyone experience something similar?

    1. Nicki Name*

      Definitely phone or electronic communication as appropriate to the person. (I’d email my parents, since we’re in totally different time zones and they’re used to email. There are people I might phone, or text, or contact via Discord DM, depending on how we typically communicate.)

    2. RagingADHD*

      I’m a “call and tell people right away” person, particularly for good news.

      If it were bad news that was something delicate or upsetting, and I’d be seeing them pretty soon, I might wait for in-person.

      But engagement, pregnancy, new job, major award/recognition, new house, etc – I want to share right away!

    3. PollyQ*

      My parents are a 30 minute drive from me, and I’d still just pick up the phone & call them. Unless you know your mother hates hearing about things that way, I’m not sure why you wouldn’t call?

    4. Not So NewReader*

      Tell your mom you had a choice to make, you could tell her first OR you could tell her in person. You could not do both. So tell her you decided it was more important to tell her first.

    5. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Or there’s always a crazy idea of zooming with both sets of people at the same time even though one set of them is close. Depending on the news, it might mean they’re spending more time together in the future anyway.

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        Yup. Split the difference and tell everyone at the same time. I haaaaate it when my family pulls the, “Why did you tell them first?” because it usually comes before the congratulations. And I don’t like pandering to it, but sometimes you have to save yourself the annoyance.

        (Seriously, I hate that crap so much. “Why didn’t you tell meeee?” Because my grandparents happened to call right as I got the news. Does it make the news less good?)

  59. MM*

    I’m looking for personal finance podcast recommendations, any suggestions? Looking for podcasts that cover topics like retirement and investing on a personal level- not professional. Dave Ramsey is a little too much ranting for me. :)

    1. MinotJ*

      I love everything in the Planet Money family: Planet Money, The Indicator, and This Is Uncomfortable.

      1. T. Boone Pickens*

        +1 on The Money Guy. I appreciate their straight-shooterness? Lots of great, common sense financial advice.

  60. lapgiraffe*

    Question for the cooks and perhaps gardeners. I was just cleaning out my fridge and dreading this lettuce container that I knew had frisée in it from weeks ago. Work got really busy and I never ended up using most of it, a big beautiful intact head. But I pull it out and it’s still as gorgeous as the day I put it in there! There is maybe one or two small leaves that I’d pluck off, but if I didn’t know it had been in there for 2-4 weeks (I’ve honestly lost track) I would not think twice about using it.

    Is this an accidental ringing endorsement for this cumbersome lettuce keeper? Or could the lettuce have spoiled in a (bacterial?) way that isn’t obvious to the eye or nose? Would you eat it?

    1. Filosofickle*

      I would eat it. Lettuce tells you where it’s gone bad, with the red edges or black slime. Sometimes lettuce just keeps! Being intact may have helped.

    2. Not A Manager*

      If the lettuce looks and smells fine, I would not worry about secret spoilage. It could be the lettuce keeper, or it could be the fact that it’s a full head with the core and maybe some roots still attached.

    3. Girasol*

      Wash well and eat, or if you’re worried, it would probably be lovely chopped up in a brothy soup so you could boil it to safety. Bitter greens go so well in soups.

    4. RagingADHD*

      Lettuce doesn’t spoil bacterially the way meat can. Anything you shouldn’t eat will be gross.

      I agree with Not A Manager that it’s probably the intactness that’s kept it alive.

    5. twocents*

      When I was a tween, platform shoes were a thing and my ankles have hated me ever since. Low heels or flats only these days!

    6. Buni*

      I generally go by ‘If it looks fine and smells fine, go for it’, but then “Buni would totally eat that” is kind of a thing in my friend group, and really not necessarily in a good way…

    7. Alex*

      It’s fine! I’ve definitely had lettuce keep 2 weeks–if it has the right amount of moisture (not too much, not too little) and is covered well, sure! Also, you don’t know how old stuff is when you buy it in the store, and stuff starts going bad when it is picked, not the magical date you bring it home from the store. So maybe you got an especially fresh head.

    8. WS*

      I’ve had intact heads of lettuce last up to 3 weeks – if it doesn’t have rusty or black spots and isn’t slimy, it should be fine to eat.

    9. lapgiraffe*

      Thanks for helping me get over myself haha. I ate it and it was delicious and color me shocked that it lasted as long as it did.

  61. ImOnlyHereForThePoetry*

    High heels – the recent threads about bras and what COVID things we should keep doing, had me thinking about the ridiculousness of wearing high heels.

    I personally am going to refrain from high and medium heels going forward (except for maybe very formal occasions)

    What are your thoughts on this?

    1. NicoleK*

      I gave up heels (2 inches were my limit) a couple of years before COVID. Don’t regret it at all.

      1. violet04*

        Oops. Somehow posted too soon. I stopped wearing heels several years ago. In my 20s I would wear cute but uncomfortable shoes, but as I got older I opted for comfort. I know some people who find heels comfortable, but they just don’t work for my feet.

        That’s the reason I haven’t gotten back to wearing boot cut or wider leg jeans. On me, they look best with a but of a heel and I used to get them hemmed for various heel heights. I prefer skinny jeans because I like how they look on me with flats.

    3. Filosofickle*

      Pre-covid I’d already given up most heels and am starting to believe they pretty much all have to go except for low heeled sandals (which give more toe room). I used to wear heels often, commuting to my downtown job in them because I was too vain to wear sneakers and change, but luckily it was the 90s so they were chunky and solid. I never did master walking in stilettos. That must have worked like foot-binding because I was pretty well adjusted to wearing them all day but as soon as I started working from home barefoot, my feet spread right out! Now with advancing age and weight, the physics of it all just works against me. When I do try to wear them for special occasions they hurt so much so fast even when they are quality shoes that fit properly. My tolerance is just gone. I still have a few pair I’m not ready to part with. Will they ever be worn again? We’ll see.

    4. OyHiOh*

      This is an interesting question because my reflexive answer is to say that I’m more of a tomboy-ish female and not particularly interested in highlighting femininity. But I love my heels, hosiery, and bras, have taken time to find brands and styles that feel good on my skin (and also don’t have an particularly strong sensory responses which makes that easier). If anything, I’ve missed occasions to dress up for over the past year. My office is casual so I don’t wear dresses/skirts generally and when I wear heels, pair them with colorful trouser socks. My social life is when/where I dress up more and that’s necessarily taken a beating.

      1. CTT*

        I’m a little bit like this. I work in a law firm and while it’s not a super-conservative office, I do have all my nice work clothes that I haven’t broken out in over a year because people who are in the office are very dressed-down. I’m in a very “when will my sheath dresses return from war” mode right now.

      2. Buni*

        Likewise; I spend 99% of my days in jeans & a pair of German military-issue paratrooper boots, so I like an occasional heels-opportunity. I prefer a knee-high boot with a block heel, but I’ll go sandal-y or court heels for weddings / special occasions etc.

        BUT, I can only go a whole day in heels if I know I have a relatively restful next day; my knees & back are shot to hell…

    5. Canuck girl*

      I wore heels / high platform sandals in the summer, when I was able to go to a patio for dinner with a friend. I hope to bust them out at least once this upcoming summer. To me, it felt great and rejuvenating, to even wear them for a little bit and feel dressed up but I’d obviously never wear them on long walks/ in the winter / fall.

      1. RussianInTexas*

        I like wedges and mid height block heel sandals with summer dresses. Feels dressy and summery.

    6. Llama face!*

      I already had to give up most high heels due to arthritis issues with my toes and although sometimes I miss the aesthetics of certain shoe/outfit combinations I certainly don’t miss the (unrelated to arthritis) foot cramps I’d sometimes get after wearing heels all day at work.

      As a side note, I’ve been at home unable to work for a few months and my bunions (yes I have all the stereotypical old people foot things) have almost entirely vanished.

      I definitely plan on wearing only comfortable supportive footwear from now on.

    7. Valancy Snaith*

      I love my heels. I wear boots to work, but I wear heels every occasion I can. I find them comfortable and I like the way they make my legs look, so I’m psyched for lockdown to be over and have an excuse to wear them again.

    8. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

      I like high heels! I wear comfortable flats or sneakers most of the time, bare feet at home, crocs to take out the trash, but heels when I want to be fancy. Granted, I don’t wear very high heels, because I cannot walk gracefully in them, but I have great respect for women who can.

      I am 95% percent of the time a no-makeup, jeans and a tee shirt, hair in a 20 second bun kind of girl, but when I get dressed up, I want to be dressed up. I want pretty shoes, nice skirts, fancy hair & cute makeup. Yes, high heels are a bit ridiculous and entirely impractical, but they are the fun kind of ridiculous not the stupid kind of ridiculous. And why in the world do clothes always need to practical?

    9. nep*

      I haven’t worn heels in ages, and when I see them on someone I always think, “How in the hell?!”

    10. Claire*

      I hate high heels and have never worn them. Small block heels on boots, or low heels on dress shoes, are as far as I’ll go. 99% of the time I’m in flats, and I’m happy.

    11. Chaordic One*

      I think high heels are ridiculous and more often than not, they make the person wearing them look ridiculous. Walking in them is learned skill that doesn’t come naturally and it really does take practice to walk in them and it seems like many people never really get the hang of it.

      I do feel sorry for some very petite people who wear heels to give themselves the appearance of some extra height, but in the end I don’t think it is worth it. I live in a rural state where it is common for men to wear cowboy boots and many of them have an elevated heel and I see a fair number of shorter men wearing ridiculously high-heeled boots and having trouble walking in them.

    12. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I do like heels, but mine are all fairly chunky low heels, in either boots or lace-up shoes (brogues, I think is the name of the style?) – I was never much of a much for narrow and/or tall heels or pump-style shoes, I just walk right out of them.

    13. ....*

      I only wore them every so often and will probably keep that up. Got some nice black leather ankle boots that are flat and looking forward to wearing those!

    14. RussianInTexas*

      I’ve given up most of mine few years ago, uncomfortable, and my knees don’t like them anymore.
      I am still ok with stacked heels on boots (mid height), and up to 2″ wedges on sandals. Otherwise, well cushioned flats.
      The current resurgence of high platforms, especially platform mules and slides is filing me with dread. I managed not to break an ankle back in 1990s, I am not sure I can be so lucky this time around.
      I could never wear regular pumps, they would always slide of the backs of my feet.

    15. RC Rascal*

      I had to give the high heels up cold turkey 10 years ago after I broke my foot. I love clothes and fashion and I’m short, so giving them up wasn’t fun.

      It’s harder to get dressed and still look fashionable. Pointed toe flats are a good thing; they allow me to make a lot of outfits work On the weekend I wear a lot of sneakers and also flat boots.

      What I did find is that once I wasn’t wearing heels, I had more energy at work and when I came home from work. I also felt like I was more successful professionally–I moved better, felt better, & had a better attitude because my feet didn’t hurt.

    16. KoiFeeder*

      I have Ehler’s-Danlos, so if I try to wear heels I inevitably end up on the floor with someone trying to put a joint or several back into place. Not for me!

    17. Not So NewReader*

      Heels left my life a long time ago due to health stuff.

      Unfortunately, after seeing the damage done to the feet of older women, I tend to correlate high heels with other woman’s issues that should be addressed at some point. The final straw for me came when a couple male friends pointed out that a lotta guys like heels on women because it makes their butts stick out. It got me to thinking, how much sexism is buried in the expectation that women wear heels….

      1. ImOnlyHereForThePoetry*

        Yes! The idea that women should wear something that uncomfortable and not practical just because men thinks it is sexy is so gross.

    18. Workerbee*

      For me, I learned really young that high heels lead to varicose veins, back problems, etc. So I have always stuck to less than 2” both for fear and comfort! Over time, however, I found that I can no longer handle 1 3/4”, and then it became 1 1/2”, so now at most I have 1 1/4”. I am most comfortable barefoot or in sneakers.

      I have also never quite understood the allure of high heels or that they were required for feminine appeal, because all I see is pain when I look at them. Some guys may lose their heads over them, but unlike in other centuries, they’re typically not the ones wearing them…

    19. Person from the Resume*

      I decided to stop wearing heels of any kind a few years ago. I think I hung on this long because I very occasionally wear dresses but I’m just going to wear flat boots, sandals, or maybe even cute tennis shoes with dresses in the future.

      I also will refuse to wear shoes that scrunch my toes up. I like a large toe box which isn’t sexy but is comfortable.

      1. allathian*

        Yeah, same. I have Daisy Duck feet that are widest at the toes, so no pointy shoes for me.

    20. Jackalope*

      I hated them for most of my life but then took up ballroom dancing in a serious way. I didn’t believe it until I tried, but having a little bit of a heel really does make some of the moves easier and makes them look better. I have a pair of “practice heels” that have a one inch heel and I’ve gotten used to them enough that I can run in them at more or less my normal clip. And I generally only wear them for 1-3 hours at a time because of what I wear them for. The nice thing with dance shoes is that they are built for you to practice a sport in, so they provide a lot more support than you’d think and are more comfortable than any other heels I ever wore. But outside of dancing, still not interested.

    21. Jules the First*

      I wore huge heels daily for years (I had a job where dress code required heels of some kind, and my work partner at the time was a good six inches taller than me, so I needed the height) but had to give up wearing my collection of 3+ inch heels and all my stilettos when I cracked my pelvis in 2014 (not shoe related…I got bucked off a horse!). The rest of them got involuntary retirement in 2018 when I broke my ankle (again, not shoe related…this time the culprit was a space hopper and my competitive nature…). I still wear a few pairs that are lower or chunkier – I live in riding boots on the weekends, which have inch or so heels but also tons of ankle support, and I have a lovely pair of shoes with cuban heels which I will happily wear all day and run in, and then there is that one pair of beloved four-inch pumps which I got after a lesson in choosing comfortable heels from an Italian shoe designer and have had for well over a decade and fit me like a glove…although I can now wear them only for a couple of hours instead of 24-hours straight. I hasten to add that I still *have* all the heels in my closet because I can’t quite admit that they are no longer viable.

  62. Canuck girl*

    Hi all…I think I need validation / commiseration re: dating. This is part vent, part – what do I do? and is anyone else feeling the same?

    I’m a single gal in my mid 30s and folks, for the life of me, I just CANNOT get myself to go back to online dating since stopping it in Sept. I was on Hinge and then Bumble for 6 solid months last spring/summer and that last month, meaning September, it was one of the most onerous, depressing things. In my own big city, dating was abysmal. It was almost a miracle to get a man to respond to a message (and I checked, I am doing all the right things to be friendly / flirtatious online), an most of the time when they did, they wrote PARAGRAPHS about themselves. Only two guys, over the span of 6 months, actually asked questions about about me in the chat. When I visited a smaller city (let’s call it good-dating city) for a weeklong vacation, and tried Bumble there, it was a drastically different experience, men were polite, kind, wrote back in full, well spelled sentences, I thought the universe was playing a trick on me because it went so well there…sigh. I even went on a date in that city…it took very little time to arrange which in my home city is like a miracle if you get to that point. Throughout six months online dating in my home city I only got to go on one in-person date and also had a virtual date with another guy; I got kind of close to a virtual date with another dude until he revealed that he thought Covid was a joke. Coincidentally, I’ve been looking for a job in the good-dating city since even before my last summer vacation (it has a lot of opportunities in my niche field) and one job prospect is looking better and better, so who knows maybe within the year I’ll get to move there and my dating chances will improve, but for now, I just cannot bring myself too re-enter the zone of what felt like perpetual disappointment and online “homework” of sifting through profiles that sounded identical from one guy to the next (they all like craft beer, cottages, and working out…). I even thought of paying for Match.com, but when I tried it for free, there were a lot of overlaps with guys on Bumble and I just shut it all down.

    I don’t want to be alone forever, I’d love to find a life partner with whom I could start a family and I know that it takes dating, even virtual, to move forward. I’m also not desperate, I mean, if I never found anyone, I could make a good life for myself; and these days I am plenty occupied with work, online hobbies (that involve other people and video calls) and even my cat. But I couldn’t stand online dating in pre-covid times (all my past relationships and dates stemmed from meeting people through friends, activities, and work – I’m normally very social and easily connect with people) and now I just can’t bring myself to go back to online…I can’t…. One of my friends said to give myself another month and then see how I feel, so that I totally don’t fall out of dating. I’m not being too closed off I don’t think… I even joined a hiking club last summer (lovely ppl, but mostly women and seniors haha) I will add that I live in Ontario and our perpetual lockdowns this spring aren’t helping any of us folks who are single and obviously everyone is fed up in general…sigh.

    1. fposte*

      I don’t think it does anybody, you or the guys, for you to be dating if you’re not feeling it. I would also say it’s okay to take a break for even longer than a month if you want.

      How far is good-dating city, though? When I was doing online dating I had a big distance selected (like, 200 miles) because I’m far from a major city. Would that help at all?

      1. Canuck girl*

        Thanks – you’re absolutely right, it won’t do the guys any good either. Good-dating city is 280 miles away. I could set that kind of radius for Match (Bumble didn’t let me, I tried), but when I was in good-dating city, I was always transparent about where I lived and a few of the guys I messaged with said that as cute as I was, it’s hard for them to imagine dating long distance when I am that far away, which is fair, I get it. But I see what you’re getting at…perhaps whenever I am ready to go back to online, maybe stick to Match that gives me more flexibility in terms of the radius.

        1. fposte*

          Yeah, obviously it’s influenced by geography, in that both you and the guys may prefer closer people, but it’s something you could consider experimenting with.

    2. Double A*

      I think taking a break is a great idea! We’re all at a very low point with the pandemic and energy for anything
      “extra” is really hard. I feel like having a kind of end in sight has paradoxically made me feel more exhausted. Shutting dating down for a few months sounds really liberating. You could even have a specific date when you think you’ll get back into it (which you can reevaluate when you get closer to that date).

      I had decent luck with dating apps (in more like 2008-2013; OkCupid was pretty good in that era) because I almost always initiated the messages. Although the one guy I ended up seriously dating did message me. We’re still very good friends; he gave a speech at my wedding.

      I actually started dating my now-husband long distance, so another thing you could consider after your break is to look for dates in your preferred city. There’s some really good things about starting a relationship long distance; basically, you skip the bs. Of course fewer people are interested in starting something long distance, but sometimes if you hit it off talking to someone, it kind of allows more time to get to know each other in a low key way and then it lays the groundwork for something more serious. Obviously not something you can plan for, but maybe something to be open to.

    3. Dark Macadamia*

      Dating shouldn’t be a chore! It doesn’t sound like it’s meeting your needs/wants right now. I think your friend’s suggestion is ridiculous, you’re not going to forget how to be yourself or interact with people if you’re not meeting your weekly quota of boring messages with boring dudes, lol. You’re already socializing in ways that you DO enjoy and there’s no rule that if you hope to have a partner eventually you have to constantly be trying to find them.

    4. HannahS*

      My friend, give yourself a break. I’m also in Ontario and this has been a YEAR. More than a year. Online dating sucks at the best of times; I’m sure it’s worse right now. If you’re not feeling it, take six months off, and re-start once the province is safer and more open.
      I didn’t get far with online dating. I went on a lot of first dates, but in the course of several years only maybe two or three second dates and maybe one third date?
      One thing that I do recommend (that I had slightly better luck with) was letting everyone in my social circle know that I was happy to be set up on blind dates. I found the dates curated by a person who knew me (at least somewhat) were better than who I was being matched with online.
      Ultimately, I met my husband while living in a town with virtually no dating options. After two years of no dates where I lived, I made my peace with it and decided to just give up and work on building myself a community where I lived. And then I went to a civic museum with someone I wanted to be friends with, and we got engaged less than three months later. So not to be all “it’ll happen when you least expect it!” because that’s an empty platitude. But just that online dating wasn’t a good fit for me, but I was willing to go outside of my (extremely narrow) comfort zone in other ways, and that’s what led me to my partner.

    5. Canuck girl*

      Thank you all, really appreciate this. I really needed some virtual validation, friendly non-nonsense advice and also hope (love your stories HannahS and Double A). Already 6 months off dating apps and heck, if I don’t feel the need to rush back, then I am not.

    6. Grim*

      Most clothes washers and dryers are now built so cheaply that the expected lifetime of a washer is one day post warranty expiration.

    7. SJNB*

      Agree with everyone saying to give yourself a break! When/if you’re ready to give online dating another go, one thing that I found helpful was to treat it as admin/chore but not to get emotionally invested eg I’d say, right, I’m going to quickly look at Hinge and find five guys to message. And then not ruminate about it, and if one of them messaged me back then that was a nice surprise. If it’s any comfort, the truism that relationships do move faster when you’re older, know what you want etc has held true in my case! Met my now fiance on Hinge less than three years ago :)

    8. Not So NewReader*

      Just my two cents. It’s not like job hunting. You don’t have to keep going if you want to rest.

      My suggestion is when you resume, change one thing that you are doing and see where that puts you. I have no idea what that one thing would be, so it could be anything that makes sense from your perspective.

  63. Washing Machines*

    What do you consider a reasonable lifespan for a washing machine?

    I’m about to buy my third machine in 16 years of marriage. My husband thinks getting ~5 years out of a machine is okay, which is insane to me. My brother is still using the machine our parents bought in the 1970s.

    My research told me that going with a heavy-duty low-tech model was the best bet, so we bought a Speed Queen. Yet, 7 years later, the outer tub is completely rusted through in multiple spots.

    We have a water filter on the incoming line into the house. I use a reasonable amount of dye-free/unscented detergent, and never use fabric softener. Rarely use bleach. We are childfree and do 2-3 loads per week. Always leave the lid open after use. I could not have babied this thing any more than I have.

    1. Teapot Translator*

      I’m no expert on washing machines, but I bought mine 12 years ago and it still works. I had to have the dashboard repaired (they put computers in everything and then it breaks down because of power surges!), but no problems aside from that.
      5 years doesn’t seem long enough considering how much they cost.

    2. Grace*

      My parents have only just got rid of the machine they bought when they moved in together and got married thirty years ago – and that’s an area with incredibly hard water. It was getting pretty tatty and run-down by the end, but definitely still functioning (until it wasn’t).

      I’m wondering if washing machines these days are another victim of the march towards planned obsolescence? Or at the very least, they’re not making them as sturdily as they used to because they presume people are happy to upgrade every 5-10 years.

    4. Windchime*

      Mine is 11 years old. I did have a water leak from the back about a year ago, but it was a $100 fix and there have been no problems since. Mine is a front loader and it’s been a pretty good machine. (Whirlpool, in case anyone is interested).

    6. Clisby*

      I don’t know overall – I’m no expert on washing machines. But we bought a new washer and dryer when we moved into our current house 15 years ago, and they both still work. The dryer has had some issues, but both times my husband was able to diagnose it via the internet, and install new parts (thermostat, heating element) that fixed it.

    7. A313*

      I think 7 years is much too short, especially for your kind of use. Our almost 7-year-old dryer just stopped producing heat. The repair guy (who was wonderful) said to just dry things using the “timed dry” feature and choose the heat strength. (Our dryer has a steam/wrinkle function, an option to have it turn off when it senses the load is dry, etc.) My husband liked using all the bells and whistles functions, so now an expert has told him it’s better not to ;)

    8. Crispy Pork*

      I have one that’s 10 years old and still working fine. We do about 4 loads a week. It seems wasteful to get ~5 years from a washing machine. Is it possible to repair rather than replace?

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Yep. Hard water can also do a number toilets and other plumbing.

        Check your warranty to see if the machine is still covered.

        I am old. I expect these machines go to 20 years or longer. Growing up, getting a new appliance was a life event because they never wore out. When we bought this house it came with appliances that were definitely not new but they were in great shape. I have been here 29 years and the stove finally bit the dust a few months ago in the thick of the pandemic. (That was interesting.) So the stove was some where over 30 years old.

        When I investigated getting a new stove, an appliance repair person with decades of experience said, “Keep it simple.” He advised getting Plain Jane appliances. He said he is seeing the new high tech ones wear out in about 5 years. This explains why the cheapie washer I bought 15 years ago is still running just fine.

        I am a big fan of reading the online comments under the stores ad for a particular make/model.

      2. Washing Machines*

        Inline water filter, as mentioned in OP. All water entering the house is immediately cleaned and softened, even before entering the water heater.

    10. Disco Janet*

      That seems like a crazy short amount of time to me – and I used to deal with appliance sales/installs in my past career. We have an LG front loader that’s 11 years old. We did run into an issue with it maybe 5 years in where it was leaking water, but we were able to figure out where it was coming from, and it was a piece that cost like $20 and and was easy enough to replace on our own – just needed a screwdriver and pliers. I’m not a repair/super handy person, but I got it done no problem with the help of a YouTube tutorial. Are you guys looking into getting repairs each time there’s an issue, or just saying “it’s broken – better get a new one” ?

      1. Disco Janet*

        (Adding that I realize on this one the tub is rusted, which is a pricier fix. But doesn’t Speed Queen offer a limited lifetime warranty on their tubs?)

      2. Washing Machine*

        Fair question. We are both cheap and handy, so we have done minor repairs in between replacements. New machines only occurred when the repair cost was close to the replacement cost, or parts were discontinued.

        Even now, we tried (and failed) to sand and patch the outer tub with Marine Bond. The shell just keeps crumbling; the structural integrity is shot. A new tub would need professional repair because we cannot safely unhook the springs ourselves, and a new machine is only another $100 above that.

        1. Observer*

          Ouch. It sounds like time for a new unit, but this should not have happened, in my opinion.

          2 things – Look at the Consumer Reports repair history before you make a decision. Also, if I recall correctly, some companies offer long term warranties as an add on that go up to 10 years. Even if you don’t get it, if they offer this at a reasonable cost that’s a good indicator. The key is the cost of the warranty – if it’s high it’s a bad signal. But a low cost tells you that they don’t expect to have to fulfill it too often.

    11. TiffIf*

      5 years seems way too short. Even 7 years seems on the short side.

      I bought my washer and dryer used (from a shop that services and resells used appliances) 8 years ago and they’re both still going strong. I have had to replace the coupler on the washer at least twice, but its a $10 part that is meant to break more easily so the really expensive parts don’t (like the motor and drive shaft).

    12. Antony J Crowley*

      Rereading a book currently called Humble Pi by Matt Parker in which he mentions in passing that we used to have to over-engineer everything because we didn’t know where the limits are. These days we can engineer things far more accurately so they’re more likely to break.

      He did also point out that there’s a kind of confirmation bias on all the things that survive a long time – you see the washing machines etc that survive for 40 years, but you don’t see the ones that only lasted a few years and were then replaced.

      My washing machine is coming up 17 years and I think it’s on its last legs. I don’t anticipate the next one lasting this long.

      It’s a good book anyway, about maths mistakes, would recommend!

    13. Dwight Schrute*

      5 years is way too short! My parents are still happily using the set we got in 2005. No issues with it and it’s my all time favorite washer and dryer. Feel like it gets my clothes cleaner than any other I’ve used

    14. I'm A Little Teapot*

      I would get your water tested. That doesn’t seem right to me. I too have a Speed Queen washer and so far it’s a tank. If your water is ok, then I might contact the company to ask why the heck it rusted so badly.

    15. Observer*

      10 – 15 years is reasonable. 5 years is a really bad buy unless you are very, very heavy users, which you are not.

      When we did our research, I used Consumer Reports. If you look, you’ll notice that they look at repair rates over the first 10 years of life and rate based on that. That’s pretty telling.

    16. Canuck girl*

      From my experience and my folks’ – 10 years is a good lifespan for most major appliances, including washing machines, my last washing machine lasted 12 years. 5 years is far too short of a washer lifespan. Maybe consider a different brand?

  64. Elenna*

    I’m curious – do people know if there’s any research on whether the side effects are different for different vaccines? My mother was just saying that Pfizer has less side effects than Astrozeneca, although I hadn’t heard anything about that.

    Of course, I’m going to take whatever vaccine is available (especially since Ontario is currently in the middle of a very serious third wave), but it’s interesting to think about.

    1. ATX*

      I really think it depends on the person.

      A friend of mine had vomiting and diarrhea with the second shot of Pfizer, as well as a fever.

      My mom had a fever of 102.3 and was out for 2 days with both Pfizer doses (she’s also had Covid twice, and the side effects of the vaccine are worse when you’ve had it).

      I had Moderna and had a baby flu for 24 hours with my second shot, low fever and body aches.

    2. D3*

      Different vaccines work in different ways, so it makes sense that some will have different side effects than others. Pfizer and Moderna are mRNA vaccines. Astra Zenica and J&J are viral vector vaccines, etc
      Additionally, different people will respond differently as far as side effects.

    3. OyHiOh*

      My partner got Moderna. After both shots, really super sore arm for about four or five days; like, bad enough to sleep sitting up because rolling on that arm would wake him up. Serious fatigue for a couple days after each shot. We know someone who got Moderna and had COVID-like symptoms severe enough to be hospitalized for a day, and a couple others who were on the point of considering an ER run but decided to ride it out. On the other hand, a co worker who got Moderna felt kinda fatigued for a day but otherwise maintained their running program, etc.

      Partner and I were talking about side effects today and we’re both kinda amazed at the hand wringing over blood clot side effects with AstraZenica and Johnson and Johnson. Cis women who take hormonal birth control live with knowledge that 1 in 100 will develop blood clots from a dose taken daily but a 1 in a 1,000,000 risk of blood clots after a single shot vaccination protocol is too significant and stops distribution.

      2. Nicki Name*

        The blood clot risk from the pill varies depending on the type of pill (it’s up to 1% depending on whether it incorporates estrogen), and that’s the cumulative risk from taking it daily across decades. It’s really not something that makes a good comparison.

        The AstraZeneca clot risk is more than 1 in a million, more like 10 per million. With J&J, we don’t know the true number yet, since the clots have been reported up to a couple weeks afterward, and there may be cases where it wasn’t considered significant until now that the person had recently been vaccinated.

        Part of the function of the pause is to get a lot of attention on the issue, so those previously unsuspected cases can be found. It also helps because the symptoms to watch for got reported everywhere, along with information on what not to treat them with, which will help reduce the chance of any further clots being fatal.

        (Full disclosure: I got the J&J vaccine, *and* I’m on hormone pills, and I’m not too worried.)

    4. Clisby*

      I think it depends more on the person than the vaccine. My husband and I have had both shots of the Pfizer vaccine, and our 19-year-old son has had the first. None of us had anything more than a sore arm. Our 24-year-old daughter, in another state, got the J&J vaccine. She had fever and chills, and some nausea after – 24 hours later everything was fine.

    5. GoryDetails*

      I’m sure the side effects are being studied – indeed, there are ways to report side effects, for those who want to do that. (I’ve seen news about the V-safe app for just that purpose, but as I don’t have a smartphone I can’t play {wry grin}.)

      I’ve been reading up on the side effects and absence of same, as I had my second Pfizer shot recently and had no significant side effects at all, while my friends of similar age and situation definitely felt the effects for a couple of days. I’ve had to reassure myself that the lack of side effects doesn’t mean that the vaccine isn’t working!

      2. Observer*

        Two things about the VAERS database:

        Doctors are obligated to reports any events that they know about. I’ve heard stories of doctors who have refused to do so, but it’s not typical. The only reason to report personally is if your doctor is being an idiot about it or if it’s something you are not going to the doctor about.

        The VAERS database is not a database of side effects. It’s a database of “adverse events” that happen in temporal proximity to a vaccine. It’s useful because it can help to discover side effects, especially really rare ones. But at the same time, there is a lot of “noise” in the data, which is to say a lot of stuff that, when you look closely at it, doesn’t really mean much.

    6. Enough*

      I looked for the difference in incidences of side effects for Moderna and Pfizer awhile ago. No real differences in type of side effects and I didn’t feel there was a statically significant difference in the occurrence of side effects. I’ve gotten my first (Moderna) and my son got his first a week later (Pfizer). He had no side effects and I was tired for a couple of days (day 3/4). His girlfriend is fully vaccinated and didn’t mention any issues (don’t know what she got).

    7. TiffIf*

      Anecdotally, just about everyone I know got laid out for about a day with fever/chills/fatigue/headache after their second dose of Pfizer or Moderna.

      1. Charlotte Lucas*

        I’ve heard the side effects are worse after the second dose.

        Also, I’ve read some anecdotal evidence that women might experience greater menstrual flow after the vaccine. (Nobody thought to ask about this during the trials.)

    8. Person from the Resume*

      Yes, they all have different potential side effects. Usatoday.com had a article comparing the different side effects a few days ago.

      I personally didn’t experience any side effects. It’s not a guarantee that anyone will get any.

    9. Observer*

      Yes, there is data. Some of it is less clear than others depending on the data collection and record keeping, but when you get to a point where you have millions of doses in the wild, you start getting a much better handle on this stuff.

      It does seem that overall, in terms of SERIOUS side effects all of them are quite safe. But apparently both the J&J / Jansen and the AstraZenica vaccines have an issue with a rare clotting disorder. And when I say rate I mean that quite seriously. With the J&J one were literally looking at less than one in a million (In the US 6 confirmed cases in 6.8 million shots given).

      1. Meow For This*

        The only side effect I had with the Pfizer was a slightly sore arm for about 12 hours after the second shot. Other than that, nothing.

  65. Wool Princess*

    How much of the advice you give is projection?

    I often find myself *so compelled* to give advice to other people that even though I know it’s probably unwelcome I just blurt it out. When I examine the situation later it occurs to me that this impulse is common when the advice I feel so compelled to give is applicable in my life.

    1. OyHiOh*

      For every comment I do make, there are at least five comments that I wrote, then erased. Many times, I just need to write it out for myself, then move on.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      I think that is pretty normal, we look at the world through our own lenses.
      I do enjoy reading the comments here because people will often times say, “Well, what worked for me…”. Yeah, isn’t that the truth. Friends have offered advice that is just not doable for me. I concluded, “I am not you, there is no way I would land well if I attempted to handle things in that manner.”
      I think the real talent lies in listening to someone’s ideas and finding our own version of what we will do by building off of their idea.

      1. Wool Princess*

        That’s a really good way of thinking about how to receive advice here.

        I feel like sometimes on this site there are comments that don’t seem helpful to the asker, and in a few cases the advice sounds like the advice-giver didn’t even read the whole question and just had to jump in with their advice.

  66. Cat with hyperthyroidism*

    I have a wonderful nearly 19-year-old cat who was diagnosed with hyperthyroidism and has been on medication (gel rubbed on his ear twice a day) for three weeks. This is the first serious health problem he has ever had which I know is incredibly fortunate given his age. I didn’t know anything was wrong with him, just took him for his regular checkup and the physical exam was great but then the bloodwork came back and showed elevated thyroid levels. The gel is really easy to give and much better than forcing pills down his throat but ever since we started the medicine, he has seemed kind of miserable. He is still eating well and drinking, but he has stopped playing which breaks my heart because until very recently he was the most playful cat. I don’t know if it is the medicine that is causing him to not be himself – maybe he is adjusting to it. His kidney levels were also slightly elevated and hyperthyroidism can mask kidney disease in cats so that could also be a factor.

    He has an appointment in two weeks for another blood draw to check his thyroid again but that seems so far away. I also haven’t been thrilled with my vet through this – there were two times when they were supposed to call me with information (initial blood test results and when the medicine was ready to be picked up) and I had to call them both times because I hadn’t heard back. I also called this past Monday and said I was worried about him and didn’t get a call back until Wednesday which seems like a really long time for a call about a pet on a new medication. There is another vet nearby where we took my other cat last year because they have an emergency service and they were just fantastic (even though that cat very sadly didn’t survive). I suppose I could try them but don’t want to cart him all over creation.

    Any advice on any of the above or any experience with a hyperthyroid cat?

    1. Max Kitty*

      I would not go to a vet that does not have timely follow-up, especially when it comes to getting a cat needed medication. And no call-back from Monday to Wednesday, when you said you were worried about him, would be a final straw.

    2. tangerineRose*

      I’ve got a hyperthyroid cat, too. For quite a while she was willing to eat the pill if I put it in a pill pocket, but eventually she decided not to (apparently it’s a bitter tasting pill), so now I have to rub the liquid version of the stuff on her ears. I don’t think it’s making her unhappy; she seems to have perked up a bit lately.

      Since you’re not happy with your vet, trying one who seems great is a good idea. It’s good to have a veterinarian you feel comfortable with, especially when you have a kitty with a health problem.

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I don’t want to scare you, but personally in your shoes, if treating the thyroid issues resulted in lethargic behavior, I’d want to get him back in to get the kidney levels looked at posthaste, and if that meant a different vet that I trusted to be more responsive than my previous one, so be it.

      I’ve had an elderly kitty who had undiagnosed kidney issues that we didn’t know about until we started treating her thyroid issues, and we didn’t catch the increase in kidney issues until it was too late and she ended up passing fairly quickly, so I’m comfortable being a little paranoid about it myself =/

    4. Canuck girl*

      I agree with the other commenters – your vet’s conduct would have me google searching for a better one. I never had a cat with hyperthyroidism, but have experience with other cat issues. I have a young cat now, but had two cats when I lived with my parents, still using the same vet and they are incredibly diligent with everything, including calling about any test results. When I had random question when I got my current cat (he had tapeworm) I called front desk, they had good advice and they also relayed my concern to the vet who called me the very same day. Go to the excellent vet you met. And good luck to you and your kitty.

    5. A313*

      Not to make excuses, but vets are, at least in my area, very busy and still doing pandemic protocols, which I think slows things down. That said, it may be worth it to bring your concerns to their attention, especially if you plan to continue going there. OTOH, with an older cat, I’d want a relationship with an emergency vet, which sounds like it’s an option for you. Good luck to you and kitty!

      1. Lizzie*

        My cat has had the ear gel for about 6 months now, the thyroid issue was discovered when she started weeing on her sleep cushion and we found she had a urinary infection. Apparently infections are much more common with hyperthyroidism. I have taken her back to the vet twice since with the same issue, pain relief and long lasting antibiotics both times.
        Last week I thought it was happening again, but her urine sample was clear and the vet had added an anti inflammatory oil to her diet, a STINKY red oil in a gelatin capsule that I squeeze a drop of onto her food, she loves it.
        All this to say, your beloved cat is a very old gentleman now, and so other things like some arthritis etc may now be catching up with him. I am not a vet. But I am a big fan of ruling out the impact of any possible pain, and of a responsive and fast acting vet!

    6. Yellow Warbler*

      I have a hyperthyroid cat who takes the pills. The vet instructed me to give them immediately before meals to avoid upset stomach. Not sure if the ear gel works the same way, but it may be worth asking about. Playing less would make sense if she’s nauseated.

    7. WS*

      3-6 weeks is the usual time for thyroid medication to start working, so I would expect it to be kicking in now. It’s possible that your cat is absorbing too much medication and is now hypothyroid (lethargic and cold) but it’s also possible that the hyperthyroidism was masking other issues. Your cat needs a blood test to see what’s going on.

      1. tangerineRose*

        “Your cat needs a blood test to see what’s going on.” This!

        There might be an underlying issue that’s very treatable, but it has to be found.

    8. I'm A Little Teapot*

      First, find a new vet. I’ve switched vets in the middle of big stuff with my cats. It takes a bit more time to get them up to speed, but having a vet you’re more comfortable with later on is worth it. You already know of another vet that you liked, why not switch to them permanently?

      Re what you’re saying, my guess is dosages or something might be off. My experience with the thryoid cat was end of life and complicated with other problems, so I really just did hospice care. But you have history of typical behavior, and you’re not seeing it. That warrants checking.

    9. Sc@rlettNZ*

      My old girl was diagnosed with hyperthyroidism and treated with radioactive iodine. She turned out to have arthritis, which the hyperthyroidism was masking (I noticed she was having difficulty getting up and down off furniture). It’s definitely worth getting your cat checked again (but I would switch vets).

  67. Filosofickle*

    My BF was talking to his sibling, and explained the concept of boundaries re: their mom. BF was a little blow away that this fairly common concept was so unfamiliar. What’s your guess for the percentage of the population that legit does not know about / understand boundaries? We see a lot of examples of nonsense here so obviously lots but wondering if you think people know & don’t care, or just don’t know.

    1. fposte*

      It’s heavily influenced by age and discourse habits, I’d say. I’d guess it would be unfamiliar to maybe 60-70% of adults, though some of them may have a similar idea under different phraseology.

    2. Grace*

      Different groups have very different concepts of boundaries, I feel.

      I have text conversations with my parents in a group chat a few times a week and call them once every one or two weeks (I live alone and it’s the weekly “is our daughter alive?” call – when I had housemates I never called my parents) and consider that to be a perfectly reasonable boundary. I have an incredibly good relationship with them, but I don’t feel the need to be in contact any more often.

      All of which was baffling and foreign to someone I lived with, who had daily or more-than-once-per-day calls with both parents (separately – they were divorced), and would call them just to ask quick questions or to kill time while walking to class.

      I saw her situation as a sign of bad boundaries and codependency – that’s so many calls! – but she saw calling as the default mode of conversation with them and treated it akin to daily texts. She saw my attitude of oh look, a text from my parents, I’ll get to that later and next-day (…or next-week) replies as weird and borderline disrespectful and a sign of me secretly having bad relationships with my parents.

      Different strokes for different folks and all that.

    4. Teatime is Goodtime*

      Do you mean the word “boundaries” and the meaning of that word, or do you mean the concept of creating and maintaining limits with other people? Because I think those are two different questions. For example, my husband did not know the word boundaries before we had a conversation a few years back wherein I used it…but he has and maintains limits with various people in his life, and all that started far before our conversation.

      I do also think there two different kinds of conflicts surrounding boundaries. There are situations involving people who have really bad “boundary” behavior (stomping all over other people’s, having none themselves), and then there are situations where the basic idea of boundaries is agreed upon but the people have different ideas of what the boundaries should be/how they should be talked about, recognized, respected and maintained/etc. That’s too simplistic, of course, and the one can masquerade as the other, but I do think there is a difference and the distinction has been useful to me in the past.

      1. llamaswithouthats*

        This was the exact follow up question I had. I think everyone grows up with a sense of boundaries in some way (although this can vary person to person), but I only learned about the term “boundaries” as an adult. It’s one of those terms that I’m really glad I learned.

        1. Reba*

          I agree, I see it as an example of therapy-speak trickling out into broader communication (not necessarily a bad thing!). I think a lot of people in my orbit growing up would have thought of this as being close to some people and less close to others. “Setting boundaries” as a term/practice seems more recent!

          Also, looking at something like expected levels of communication, constant connectedness via devices just wasn’t on the menu for older generations! Let alone monitoring people’s locations.

      2. Filosofickle*

        We discussed that and aren’t sure! In this situation, Sibling spilled more to Mom about something than they meant to, because Mom asks a LOT of follow up questions and they felt pushed into a corner. They were expressing that they don’t want Mom up in their business and get annoyed with her questions but feel like it’s an unchangeable dynamic . BF told them they have some say in the matter, they can set and maintain boundaries in the relationship. That idea was new to sibling. So we’re talking about pretty basic stuff. But BF does assume sibling has some idea what it means intuitively — we all maintain some boundaries / separations with different people, even if we can’t consciously name what we’re doing.

        I certainly didn’t learn about the concept of boundaries formally until my 30s.

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          I didn’t get it that I could stop supplying the gossip factory by deflecting questions until I was in my 30s. (Thank you Carolyn Hax!)
          By 40, I figured out how to deflect HEARING the gossip. (“Has niebling said they’re okay with you telling people about this? Because if not, I am uncomfortable hearing it. Have your petunias come up yet? What did you decide about XYZ?”
          Which was good for my chatty parent because it made me more willing to talk more often. I wish I’d figured it out in college.

    5. Crispy Pork*

      It’s something that everyone struggles with at some point, I imagine. Boundaries can also move depending on circumstances and people.

      I’m someone with reasonable boundaries with people in general but it took me a long time to realise I had none with my parents. I could say no to ILs, friends, husbands, kids, etc. without too much difficulty but I did absolutely everything my parents expected of me with a BIG SMILE, even when their demands were excessive or harmful to my mental health. Because I had no boundary issues in my general life I had trouble recognising this was an issue with my parents.

      1. Filosofickle*

        Now that you mention it, I suspect it’s a Parent Boundaries problem not an Everyone problem.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      Self-talk is another concept that can blow people’s minds. No one ever mentioned it to them.

      1. Filosofickle*

        When I first learned about my inner critic, its evolutionary purpose and how my thoughts aren’t “me”, it was truly life-changing.

    7. RagingADHD*

      Everyone who has even one functional, healthy relationship understands the concept of boundaries, because the word is just a descriptor of a healthy relationship dynamic.

      You only have to be intentional about learning them or using them strategically when something has gone wrong, or you encounter a person whose boundaries (or lack thereof) conflict with yours.

      I’d assume that the term is unfamiliar or not a tip-of-the-tongue word for the majority of people.

      The folks I know who use it readily tend to share common interests or mindsets, in terms of reading a lot about relationships or personal development. That’s a popular topic, but nowhere near universal.

    8. Firebird*

      I didn’t learn about boundaries until I started going to Alanon meetings. I’ve been trying to be careful about respecting boundaries with my kid but I can’t tell if I’m overdoing it. How often do you tell people that it’s OK to say “no” or not answer questions?

    9. allathian*

      I think I’ve understood the concept intuitively most of my life, but I only learned the word a few years ago.

  68. smellycat*

    My PIL are retired and spend about half the time in our city and the other half in another city with their daughter. When they are away they ask my husband and me to drop by to clear mail, water plants, make sure their house is still standing, etc.

    It annoys me that they always ask us and never my husband’s brother and his partner. We both live an equal distance away, both households work, although we have kids and they don’t. But my BIL is less reliable so it’s more convenient for PIL to ask us.
    This isn’t an onerous task and I don’t mind doing it – but it’s the unfairness that bothers me. Even if we did it 7 times out of 10, fine. But BIL does *nothing*. Not just with this task, but generally he gets away with not helping with any family issue (small or big) because “that’s just Bob”.

    This is a sore spot for me because I cut off ties with my own family for the same issue (except much more extreme in my case). When I raised this issue with my husband he said I don’t need to do any of the jobs for PIL and he will take care of it; but that is not the point. I know as PIL age they will become more dependent for care and I can just see that we will be doing absolutely everything while BIL does none. I feel like it’s better to set the boundary now before it becomes a big issue; as I know how toxic and resentful things can eventually become.

    Advice/thoughts please.

    1. PollyQ*

      my husband … said I don’t need to do any of the jobs for PIL and he will take care of it; but that is not the point.

      I think that is the point, though. It’s your husband’s parents and it’s his brother, and I think the better part of valor is staying out of the question. You can definitely set a boundary for how much work you’re willing to do, and at some point if you want, you can let you husband how you feel about how much time he’s spending, but that’s about it. It is unfair, but given that everyone else in your H’s family is OK with the status quo, it’s also unlikely to change. My advice is to find a way to live with it, and try not to make it about your issues with your family of origin.

      And FWIW, this situation is unlikely to change.

    2. Not A Manager*

      “I feel like it’s better to set the boundary now before it becomes a big issue”

      If you allow your husband to manage this without involving you, you are setting a boundary. You’re protecting your own time and effort, and you’re allowing him the autonomy to shoulder the burden himself if he prefers not to ask his brother.

      When and if the time he spends on these errands interferes in your own relationship, then you can bring that up. But be sure that it’s really the time and not the activity that’s a problem. If he were spending this time jogging, would it still bother you? If the answer is no, let it go.

      It’s good to allow him to manage this without you, because if it is annoying or inconvenient for him, then he might address the issue before it gets larger. And if it doesn’t bother him now, then in the future he will already know that you are able to set boundaries on your own involvement and he’ll have to manage his brother at that time.

      My strongest advice is to back off from the chores, but also to disengage from the dynamic. Let your husband manage this however he wants to.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Yep, bingo. Role model what boundary setting looks like.

        Small to no consolation but in my extended family there was an on-going conversation about how caring for the elderly parents usually falls to one child. The others get a free ride. In one instance the others ended up getting multiple degrees and 6 digit incomes- the Helper Child did not make out so well, with earning not even half that income yet Helper Child spent oodles of time and gas taking care of parents.

    3. Frankie Derwent*

      I think you’re projecting your own feelings toward your parentd on your husband. Has he expressed any resentment over the chores? Has he neglected his responsibilities and chores to your family in favor of the chores at his parents’ house? Is there any reason that this stresses you aside from the fact that his brother isn’t helping out.

      If the answers are no, I think you should count yourself lucky that you have a generous, loving husband who takes care of his parents cheerfully and unbegrudgingly. It’s not a problem. Don’t turn it into a problem.

    4. Pay No Attention To The Man Behind The Curtain*

      I don’t think you’ll be successful in getting your BIL to step up chore or time wise, but what about any monetary help? If your husband and his brother chip in for a professional house sitter or handyman or housekeeper…whatever the task is that can be delegated to a professional instead of falling on your family, would you feel it was more equitable?

      1. tangerineRose*

        That sounds like a good idea. They don’t trust the brother to do this because they know he isn’t reliable, but maybe he can chip in to pay for it.

    5. RagingADHD*

      How do you suggest making BIL step up? Realistically, if his own parents can’t rely on him to even show up and water plants, what magic incantation do you suppose will force him to show up and help when they’re infirm?

      Even if they ask him first, who do you suppose is going to get it done when he flakes out? Either your husband will step up, they’ll hire someone, or if everyone is stubborn enough, they’ll just go without.

      Life isn’t fair. Yes, they will need help. Your options are to help, or refuse, either on a case-by-case basis or wholesale.

      Do what you can live with on your own conscience, and make peace with the fact that you can’t control what other grownups choose to do.

      You can only choose what kind of person you’re going to be.

    6. Texan In Exile*

      My husband’s parents (some of you might remember Sly and Doris) expected him to fly from Wisconsin to Florida to help them with things but never asked his brother, who lived in the same town as them and in whose restaurant they had invested $250K, for help.

      Some of it was big stuff, like post-surgery help at home.

      Some of it was a screw needed to be replaced under the sink. My sister in law (whom I adore) diagnosed the problem and was going to fix it only for Sly to say, “No, Primo/Mr T will be here next month. He can do it.”

      (SIL fixed it anyhow.)

    7. Observer*

      This is a sore spot for me because I cut off ties with my own family for the same issue (except much more extreme in my case).

      Either you over-reacted to your parents or it’s NOT the same issue. I know that there is a lot of talk of slippery slopes and all that, but in real life, scale and scope matter. A lot. To be clear, I don’t really think that you over-reacted to your family. But you simply cannot draw a straight line between “small, annoying maybe intrusions” to “big, boundary stomping and over- the top demands.”

      It’s not your place for you to mediate your husband’s relationship with his family. As long as he’s willing to carry the burden and it’s not having a significant impact on you, you need to step back. And when I mean “significant impact” I don’t mean “It makes me crazy” because that’s your choice. But “it interferes with legitimate expectations and / or obligations to me.” So, for example, if you never get to take a weekend getaway solely because of the burden your husband it taking on, that’s something you have standing to raise.

      The one thing you should probably raise – ONCE – is that this is a situation that is likely to evolve that he should think about how he expects to deal with this as the situation changes.

  69. Crispy Pork*

    Why are people taking vacations during a pandemic? During covid, even before vaccines, I’ve occasionally seen people take holidays and I just don’t get it. If this is you, I judge you. The advice has been pretty clear to stay where you are and not take unnecessary travels. I get that sometimes it’s difficult to avoid travel if you have to go somewhere for work, family events, medical stuff, etc. I totally understand that. But why go on an actual holiday to a different city/country for no purpose other than a fun vacation? Yes it might be cheap but there’s a big reason for that. I also don’t understand how people can post their holidays proudly on social media. If hypothetically I went on holiday during covid I would keep it a shameful secret. Read the room, dudes.

    Is this just me being judgy?

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I mean, yes, you’re being judgey, but that doesn’t mean you’re wrong. But it also is extremely unlikely to matter to any of the people you’re judging.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      I am concerned. Why do I see headlines saying we are at an all time high, yet a good number of people I know are going on vacation? It’s less about judgey and more about just plain feeling defeated. Sadly some of these vacationers were the first people to point out everyone who was not wearing a mask. The disconnect is scary.

      1. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

        Where are they talking about all time high? Globally? My midwestern US city had a weekly average high of 165 cases/day back in December, current average highs are hovering at 25-30. From what I understand, national levels are similar except in a few spots. I’m certainly not going to take December level precautions now.

        World wide case levels certainly matter, but I’m hardly going to catch anything from people in India! Michigan is more possible, but still not likely.

      2. Person from the Resume*

        Who is at an all time high? My state and local area are doing well maintaining a steady low rate.

        Of course folks are traveling all over but everyone is tired of it and even some conscientious people feel that it’s nearing the end and moving into the new normal.

        1. Reba*

          Michigan, for one.

          Lots of places are seeing resurgent numbers but different populations being the most affected this time around (because the oldest folks have largely been vaccinated, and also new variants, and more things are open).

          I’m much more concerned about disease spread due to people’s everyday activities — lately, clusters have been associate with youth sports, schools, and let us not forget, workplaces!! Lots of schools’ mitigation plans are non-existent to just absurd, and work likely the same. Yes, people are going to bars and restaurants, too, and I really wish we would see better leadership and protections there.

          (By leadership, I mean that if things are permitted to be open, that’s a pretty strong signal to folks that they ought to go there! It’s not reasonable to rely on personal decision making or shame to guide people’s behavior, and in many areas I feel there’s a message that it’s up to us, the public, to “save” these businesses when the government hasn’t stepped in to help enough).

          1. Texan In Exile*

            People in my town just pressured the school board to reinstate the prom, which board had initially cancelled.

            I am so depressed about all The Stupid.

            1. justabot*

              Well in my town, the parents were just holding their own either at their McMansions or renting out fancy elaborate venues and holding even bigger proms than the schools ever had – and then without any masks, temp checks, any precautions, etc.

          2. Natalie*

            So don’t travel to or from Michigan.

            Public health doesn’t work on a binary, where every activity is equally dangerous until a magical point where it becomes completely safe. Risk changes as the actual circumstances change, and plenty of low risk travel has been perfectly possible throughout the pandemic. Other high risk travel should be avoided.

            1. Reba*

              ITA! I was just answering Person from the Resume’s question about what area is seeing high rates. I took that question at face value, I don’t know if I should have read it differently…

              On a reread, I didn’t actually make this point clear, but I meant that I am *more* concerned about the risks I named — some of which are risks people cannot avoid — than travel! And I certainly am not telling people not to travel.

                1. Reba*

                  No worries, Elspeth, I wasn’t that clear either! This is such a challenging topic because it’s emotionally loaded as well as flooded with changing info/news.

          3. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

            But I’m not IN Michigan! I’m in an entirely different state where it is much safer. Michigan’s caseload is irrelevant to me.

            The reasonable, helpful precautions are hard enough. If you start expecting me to follow precautions that do not do anything, I will have a major problem with that. Like, major.

            1. Ramona Q*

              “[Other place’s] caseload is irrelevant to me” is part of why we are in this mess. It’s pretty icky to profess not to care about people in other places! But also, the situation where you are may change.

              1. Observer*

                “[Other place’s] caseload is irrelevant to me” is part of why we are in this mess. It’s pretty icky to profess not to care about people in other places

                Actually, this type of fact free thinking is part of the reason we are in this mess. Because the issue is not about caring but about what is safe.

                It’s TERRIBLE policy to institute measures in one area based on case loads in another area. If you are in *Michigan, then closures make sense despite the very real costs (not just financial costs!). If you are in a place that doesn’t have the problems that Michigan is currently having, then you need to calibrate your response, because enacting closures in solidarity doesn’t help Michigan and it imposes a very real cost.

                *Substitute any place with high caseloads – same applies.

              2. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

                Relevant on a society wide level? Of course. Relevant to future spread? Absolutely. Relevant to my safety in the grocery store, or at Old Navy today trying on leggings, or going to a local river to rent a canoe? Not in the least. My decision on whether to go clothes shopping in person should be based on local risk. (And no, online shopping is not an option, not for things that go on my legs. They aren’t a standard shape.)

                There is a vast gulf between “something I should care about emotionally” and “relevant to my safety”.

        2. Clisby*

          Besides, risks of travel will differ widely depending on how you travel. If you drive instead of flying, rent a beach house, eat at the house, and stay away from crowds, how are you at much more risk than if you stayed home? Travel doesn’t have to mean going to Daytona Beach or Las Vegas.

    3. Not A Manager*

      I’ll answer this honestly, and I’m willing to be judged for it. My spouse and I did take some vacations during the past year. The travel constituted an acceptable risk *for us* in light of the benefits of the travel. We didn’t behave in ways that were contrary to public health advice, other than the fact that we were in motion, and we didn’t violate any laws or executive orders (like when only certain classes of workers could stay in hotels, for example).

      The first time was early last summer, when my own mental health during lockdown was poor and my anxiety about my family was very high. We drove for several days, staying in airbnb’s on the way. Even at that time there were limited concerns about fomite transmission, so staying in a standalone unit where we didn’t interact with other people seemed pretty safe for everyone involved. Similarly, when we arrived at our destination city, we stayed in an airbnb with outdoor space, and we only interacted with our family outdoors and at a social distance. (We did do the occasional “masked hug facing away from each other,” but that was it for close contact.)

      This winter my spouse and I went skiing. It’s an activity we really value. Again, we drove to our destination and stayed in an airbnb with no contact with other people. The mountain required masks in lines and on the slopes, we didn’t ride the lifts with other people, and we literally skied each day and then went back to the condo.

      Would there have been less risk if we’d stayed home? Yes. And during the first part of lockdown we did literally stay home. We didn’t go out for groceries, we didn’t go to the dentist, we didn’t have anyone over even in the backyard at a distance. But as the rules relaxed, and as we learned more about the coronavirus, and as it became clear that we would be living under restrictions for a long time, my spouse and I chose to have the benefits of in-person grocery shopping, and dentist visits, and having a friend in our backyard ten feet away from us – even though we also knew that we were slightly increasing our own risk of becoming ill and possibly slightly increasing public health risks, too. Engaging in non-prohibited travel was the same calculation. It added tremendous value to our experience at very minimal additional risk.

      If you’re talking about vacations where people post photos of themselves in crowded bars, or sitting in giant hot tubs with a million people, then I agree with you. If you’re suggesting that anytime someone changes locations for recreation then that is automatically wrong, I don’t agree. This has been a long, long process. Requiring extreme precautions for very slight additional benefit isn’t reasonable, in my opinion.

      1. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

        I’ve been on local vacations where I spent the whole time outdoors, though I would have gone further if there weren’t so many awesome locations in our state. Had a wonderful time and did not get sick. We’ve been at this Covid business a year and change. Full maximum safety precautions are just not sustainable for that long. I started visiting my parents again last July. Hugging them again is totally worth every bit of additional risk.

      2. HamlindigoBlue*

        We are similar to you. We’ve done two trips over the past year. We drove for both, stayed in a house without anyone else, and did outdoor activities. We ordered takeout if we wanted to “go out to eat” and did things safely. Last month, we drove 14 hours to Florida to an Airbnb-type rental on the Gulf Coast and took our puppy. We did morning and evening walks along the (empty) beach, drank coffee while watching the sun rise over the bay, kayaking, etc. It was too cold to swim, but it was 15 to 20 degrees warmer there than it was at home. Sometimes a change of scene is desperately needed. We took necessary precautions, and I’m good with our decision.

      3. Frankie*

        Removed. Please stop with the multiple user names to make the same point. Also, before you comment again, I need you to read and follow these commenting rules. – Alison

      4. Ali G*

        We did similar. I would call it “doing the same as we did at home with a change in venue.”
        First was last summer we went to my parents beach house. We waiting until they had been there a while and drove there. All we did was go to the beach and sit outside. Just like at home, we wore masks if we had to leave the house, kept distance and did only take out or delivery (or cook at home). Which is just what we do here!
        We also went to my brother’s for US Thanksgiving. We drove there and pretty much did the same thing (no beach unfortunately).

      5. Not A Manager*

        Another comment reminded me, we also podded twice with friends. We’d all been staying at home/following restrictions anyway, so we spent 2 weeks being extra careful (no doctor’s appointments or grocery shopping), and then we drove to them and stayed in their house with no restrictions whatsoever between us.

        It was glorious.

    4. Potatoes gonna potate*

      I’m with you. There’s this woman I know who celebrated her birthday last year in a club. Like…..really? and she’s a doctor too. Another woman who went to Mexico (Mexico seems to be popular on my timelines & feeds). I think more than the vacation that was gross was the bargaining with locals over stuff they could very clearly afford. (but maybe that’s a discussion for another topic).

      I’m fully vaccinated but eesh there’s still a pandemic! I’d love to have taken my baby to meet her in laws in Toronto but it’s in lockdown from what I’ve heard.

    5. llamaswithouthats*

      I didn’t take any vacations this past year (as in I didn’t go anywhere), but the people I’ve seen take vacations have been going to open, outdoor areas where they travel by car, which I think is fine? They’re not near anyone.

    6. Person from the Resume*

      They don’t believe that COVID can affect them (because they’re healthy or whatever) and behave recklessly at home and continue to travel. (Watching a FB friend who’s coincidentally in St Thomas at the moment).

      They’ve been planning this trip for several years including reserving the one presidential suite in the hotel the moment it was available, and they’re getting old so there may not be many more opportunities for these trips.
      ** this was a November/thanksgiving trip where there was a discussion about what if someone has a fever and can’t fly home as the worst car scenario to which I replied the worst case was someone got Covid and died. I think they believed that as long as we were mask and social distance that they were safe from COVID.

      They’ve been fully vaccinated for several months now.

    7. nep*

      How about the head of Michigan’s health department. Yeah.
      It’s irresponsible and childish. So if I’m being judgy too, so be it.

    8. nep*

      (A family friend who a while back mocked me (to family and friends) about my cautiousness over COVID is seriously ill with COVID as we speak. Why, people? Just how do you think that somehow a deadly contagious virus is going to glide right past you?)

    9. Kiwiapple*

      I went on 3 local holidays last summer when the restrictions eased at the time and we were careful about what we did and where we went and masked up and social distanced. We calculated the risk and deemed it low enough.
      Judge away if you want.

    10. Disco Janet*

      I’m really not that interested in an internet stranger’s opinion on it, but since you’re asking why, I’ll tell you. Because I have cancelled literally all of my plans for the last year. There was no Disney trip. We haven’t seen 90% of our family. Our hobbies that involves getting together with friends have either moved to Zoom or been cancelled. And a few long weekends we’d been planning on didn’t happen either. We did all that to do our part during Covid.

      But at this point? My husband and I are both vaccinated, we are going to an all inclusive resort that requires a test upon arrival, and we desperately need a break after a year of the hell that has been being an essential in-person worker during Covid. Mental health matters too. It doesn’t trump everything else, but we have made this decision carefully and made a LOT of sacrifices this past year. Don’t assume you know the full story when you see someone traveling.

      1. ....*

        Yeah I’m vaccinated I’m going to see my mom for the first time in 2 years and I don’t really see how that’s an issue if I am vaccinated and follow all local and business rules.

      2. nep*

        Don’t assume you know the full story when you see someone traveling.
        This is certainly a good point.
        I would like to note here, my comment above is in reference primarily to the MI health department head’s decision to travel. I mean, if anyone should be setting an example. (And Michigan!) So disappointed when the governor made an incorrect statement (that the state never had travel restrictions) when defending the move.

      3. MissGirl*

        Someone posted online how disappointed they were that the Disneyland Marathon was canceled. I had this knee-jerk reaction about how we’re all sacrificing and if that’s their biggest problem, they’re lucky. Fortunately, my reaction was mental and I didn’t say anything because I realized very quickly who posted it. It was an old coworker who had buried both her parents and battled breast cancer the previous year, all the while dealing with everything COVID that the rest of us were. For her, that marathon was her light at the end of an awful time and losing it stole a little hope. So when I see people making decisions I wouldn’t make, I try to remind myself I have no idea what went into their decision and what they’ve been through.

      6. peasblossom*

        100% agree. I understand the knee-jerk frustration over other people’s travel, really, I do, but people need to learn to put this into perspective because it’s impossible to tell the backstory behind people’s vacations. I took a trip recently with my sister. She had a miscarriage a couple of months ago and has been really struggling with feeling isolated and grieving. If our (fully vaccinated) silly hiking trip in the desert made her feel a little less isolated than it was well worth it. And the reasons for a vacation don’t need to be as extreme as that! But if people are taking reasonable precautions and need to travel for mental health than that’s something that’s important to acknowledge.

    11. The Other Dawn*

      Judge me all you want.

      I’ve taken two trips since the pandemic started. One was in August by car to see my cousin in another state, a state similar to mine with COVID restrictions. The trip was already planned, but the concert I was supposed to attend was cancelled. I decided to go anyway because I really needed the break. Recovering from two back surgeries during a pandemic, coming off prescription paid meds, and being forced to work at home when I never had for more than a couple days was really rough. We went to a couple outdoor markets and followed the COVID protocols of masking, etc. And that’s about it. The other trip was an hour away by car to a historic inn for my 25th anniversary. My husband and I scrapped plans to fly somewhere out of the state or country already, and given the crappy year it was, we weren’t about to not do *something* for our anniversary. We were one of only two couples there, all COVID protocols were followed, and we felt safe to do it.

      Would I fly somewhere for a fun vacation right now? No. Even though I’m vaccinated, I just don’t want to be on a plane with a bunch of strangers right now who may or may not be sick with COVID or carrying it, or who may or may not be vaccinated. Not to mention, anyplace I’d want to go wouldn’t be all that much fun anyway since a lot of venues and other attractions are closed. Why bother spending the money? I’ll wait until later in the year or next year for that.

      Do I privately judge the people who are packing bars, clubs, and other places, who are mostly unmasked and may be unvaccinated? Yeah, I do. I admit it. But I’ll stay in my own lane and worry about my own business and what I’m doing to stay safe.

      1. Reba*

        I agree that not all travel is the same. My exposures during my (limited, car-based, outdoor-focused) travels have been less than my regular trips to the grocery store, and much, much less than a lot of folks face in their daily lives because their workplaces are not protecting them.

    12. Dwight Schrute*

      I’m not sure if this really counts as vacation or not but I’ve rented an air bnb in the mountains to go to with my dog and my boyfriend. We already live together, drove to the mountains, did online order and pickup for our groceries and didn’t see a single other person on the trip. We went so we could enjoy the view, unplug and play games and read. I am still judging people who I know are not vaccinated, and are flying for fun vacations where they go to bars and clubs unmasked. That feels different than a weekend getaway in the mountains where I don’t see a single human being

    13. Been There*

      I just had covid. I probably got it from riding the elevator with a neighbour. I would have been safer renting a cottage in the middle of nowhere, compared with staying at home.

    14. StellaBella*

      I know some people, 2 couples, both have vacationed to Florida from NJ amd WA. I am judging them too and pissed off. These actions contribute to a longer pandemic generally. None are vaccinated. Both couples flew.

    15. Observer*

      Is this just me being judgy?

      It’s you not reading the stats.

      The reality is that some destinations are safe, and some are not and there are a lot places in between. And there are a lot of reasons why people take vacations, some of which are more frivolous than others – and none of which you can tell from the outside.

      Yes, some people are clearly being idiots. But there is a lot you don’t know about what’s going on in people’s lives.

    16. The Oracle of Delphi*

      From the CDC website:

      “People who are fully vaccinated with an FDA-authorized vaccine can travel safely within the United States: Fully vaccinated travelers do not need to get tested before or after travel unless their destination requires it. Fully vaccinated travelers do not need to self-quarantine.” And the advice concerning international travel is not that different.

  70. RC Rascal*

    Does anyone else have a pet who is in love with something ugly?

    My cat is in love with an ugly blanket. It’s a sage green monstrosity from the 1990s that I put on the bed in February when it was really cold. She adores it. Every time I try to put it away I get serious ugly face from her, along with a few disdainful snorts. (In her defense, the blanket is soft and warm).

    Discuss.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      She’ll get over it and love the new one just as much. With warmer weather, staying warm will be less of a thing for her also and this will encourage her to change modes. They learn.

    2. Generic Name*

      That’s hilarious. My dog falls in love with each and every one of the toys I give her. She’ll pull the stuffing out and drag the toy through the mud and she still packs those things around. I have to throw them away when she’s not around. I learned the hard way to not get white dog toys, because they get covered in mud and look really gross pretty quickly.

      My husband and I are in the midst of a giant painting project, and the blanket and pillow from the living room couch are currently in a huge pile on the den couch, and both cats have discovered how amazing it is to lie in the middle of this pile. They also both love a faux fur throw blanket. The one we suspect was weaned too early especially loves it.

    3. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I’m more of the belief that you can use that love of object 2 train a behavior you want to see. You hate the blanket? Put it in a basket for your cat to sleep on–and put the basket somewhere that isn’t the annoying spot currently used.
      Maybe even cut off a piece to put in the cat carrier to cut kitty’s anxiety during travel.

    4. AvonLady Barksdale*

      My dog abandons most of his toys after a while, but he refuses to part with a disgusting, chewed up, dirty plush frog. He has barfed on this thing and dragged it through the mud. We clean it and try to put it away, but it always ends up back in the living room. Froggy keeps his anxiety at bay, so I decided to accept it.

  71. Green Mug*

    What is a reasonable amount to give as a wedding gift? I am good friends with the mother of the groom but don’t really know the groom or the bride.

    1. PollyQ*

      First, are you going to the wedding? If not, you don’t have to give anything at all. If you are a guest, I would say $50-100, but definitely not more than you can easily afford, so less is fine if that’s where your finances are.

    3. Miss Mabel*

      You want to at least cover the cost of your plates… in New England, it’s about $100-$150 a plate.

      1. Natalie*

        Oh bull, that’s not a commonly accepted rule. And $300 for someone you don’t know is ridiculous.

        1. Enough*

          Correct. $100 sounds good from the both of you. that’s what I have given to my nieces and nephews.

      2. Generic Name*

        Gosh, that seems so transactional. I mean, why not just sell tickets to weddings? Surely it’s unreasonable to expect that a couple would spend no more than they can afford and would be delighted to have their guests share their special day without expecting to be compensated for the cost of having a wedding via material goods.

        1. Pennyworth*

          It definitely should not be transactional, and I would not go to a wedding if I thought that was the expectation. I give what I can afford, which as different stages in my life has been quite different amounts. At my own wedding, we were happy that our guests attended, gifts were a nice bonus but not expected, and varied hugely in value. p If a wedding budget is linked to what the couple expect to receive in gifts, I’d say skip the wedding, elope and spend the money on just buying the stuff you want.

      3. tangerineRose*

        Miss Manners disagrees with the “to at least cover the cost of your plates” rule.

      4. From MA to IL*

        I’m with Miss Mabel on this, but I was also raised in New England and that’s what I was taught. I’m in the midwest now, but this has always been my practice.

      5. The Other Dawn*

        No, Miss Manners has debunked that one. Plus it’s ridiculous. There’s no requirement for a gift and if someone chooses to give a gift, they should give what they can afford. I’m also in New England, born and raised, and was taught to at least cover the cost of the plate and struggled to do that in my younger years, but now that I’m an older adult? Hell no. If someone wants to have a lavish wedding and can’t afford it without being reimbursed for the food, maybe they should scale down their wedding.

      6. Person from the Resume*

        How do you even know what they’re spending because I think $150 per guest is stupid pricey?

        1. ThatGirl*

          Yeah my wedding was around $40 pp if I recall? Though it was 2007 and we had an afternoon reception. But either way I think it’s a silly rule. Gifts are not mandatory, nobody should think they need to give hundreds, especially if it’s a couple they’re not super close to or you just can’t afford it.

        2. PollyQ*

          I suppose if you added up all the costs of the wedding — catering, hall, flowers, musicians — and divided by the number of guests you could get up to $150 per person. But I agree that it’s an abhorrent way to think about the situation. Hosts shouldn’t be thinking about “charging” guests for a party they’re throwing to celebrate themselves, and guests shouldn’t be basing their gift budget on guesses as to how much the hosts spent.

        3. Miss Mabel*

          You can usually tell by the reception hall they’ve chosen. I’m sticking by what I said and I think anything under $100 for 1 person is cheap.

      7. Observer*

        You want to at least cover the cost of your plates… in New England, it’s about $100-$150 a plate.

        Good heavens! What do they serve? Genuine caviar on gold plates?

        I mean, yes you can spend that kind of money but even in Orthodox Jewish circles (where the food tends to be more expensive because of Kosher concerns), you can go well below that.

    4. Fellow Traveller*

      I do think it depends on your own financial situation. I mean, if the bride and groom are going to judge you because of how much you give them, then they probably aren’t really worth your trouble.
      But having said that… I generally give between $80 – $150 depending on how well I know them and what I can afford at the time. If I can swing it, I like giving a crisp $100 bill.

    5. Person from the Resume*

      I more than $50 for someone you barely know. A close family member or friend I might go to $100 or $150.

      I haven’t been to a wedding except as a +1 in years. Where I grew up wedding were buffet style never sit down dinners. I encountered my first sit down dinner wedding after college and it confused me being served a meal while I sat at a wedding.

      2. Reba*

        I think this is a good range. Green Mug, at my wedding the friends-of-my-parents type guests were mostly people I do know — and they gave us things like a place setting on the registry* or a set of towels, so think in the $50-70 range. Again, for people I know and have known for a long time! That amount is perfectly generous!

        There is never an obligation to give a gift, so think of an amount you will feel happy giving and just go with it. I do think fondly of people who gave us gifts, but I’m pretty sure there were guests that gave the gift of their presence, and I don’t care! As others have noted, maybe the couple/hosts would be offended by a “paltry” gift, but that’s not reasonable and the rudeness would all be on their side.

        *I grew up in a pretty traditional area so a lot of folks prefer this to cash still.

        1. justabot*

          Does region matter? I don’t want to generalize, but growing up in NY/tri-state area, the expectation always felt like you HAD to give cash. And a lot. But when I moved south, my co-workers were shocked that I give cash for weddings. Apparently that’s not a thing in this area? It’s all registry items and gifts. (Which I always did for the shower.) Or maybe it’s just the people I know. I hate, hate, hate the whole gift giving expectation and entitlement of many showers and weddings in general, but it is what it is. I’d probably give $100 total since you don’t even really know the couple.

          1. Reba*

            Does region matter in terms of the obligation to give? As you note it certainly does for the form of gift. I definitely think that there are expectations all over about giving gifts, and it’s certainly a convention. But the view of weddings and life events as a quid pro quo is just sad. No one ever owes you a gift. And it is rude to expect/demand one! A wedding is a party, not a contract (at least for the guests).

            But, my feeling righteous about this is of course not going to stop any person from being mad that someone else didn’t give. :)

            1. justabot*

              Well it certainly doesn’t matter in terms of obligation. Expectation is a different story. I also dislike the whole gift giving quid pro quo. And women who are both single and childless always get the short end of the stick with it. (As well as their own mothers who often gave gifts celebrating the offspring of all her friends while her own daughter never had that reciprocated.) The whole thing just rubs me the wrong way.

          2. PollyQ*

            I think it’s maybe just the people you know, or perhaps your social sub-group. I’m not from that area, but most of my extended family is, and we all give & receive non-monetary gifts, including setting up & buying from registries.

    6. Green Mug*

      Thank you to everyone for responding. I don’t want to seem out-of-touch with my gift. But if I’m being honest, part of me wonders why I am invited. I doubt I’ll know anyone there besides my friend.

      1. Not Alison*

        If you won’t know anyone except the Mom (who will be busy with all the relatives) then no need to go. We had a similar situation with a friend and we expressed our regrets and sent a $60 gift.

  72. Chest Question*

    I’m NB and have a so-so insurance plan. I want to get a breast reduction or mastectomy. I have some neck and back issues, but my insurance hasn’t covered enough tests to make it clear if there’s a chest size connection. I can’t afford to pay out of pocket.

    How can you get insurance to cover a breast reduction? Higher chance if it’s for gender affirmation reasons? Other options to look into?

    1. mreasy*

      Your surgeon should have someone in their office who can help. Some plans require you get a certain amount of physical therapy for the pain first. Some require trying other treatments as well, depending on your symptoms. But if you have the option, I’d check with multiple area surgeons for one with more support on the approval process. My surgeon’s office was great on this.

    2. Skeeder Jones*

      I work in healthcare and my employer covers gender affirming treatment for patients who are diagnosed with gender dysphoria. Of course there is a referral process to a gender care center and requirements like therapy but they do cover many non-surgical (hormone therapy, voice therapy, facial hair removal for example) and surgical treatments. If you haven’t already, I would recommend you check with your insurance provider. Fingers crossed that your insurance will provide the coverage that you need to feel at home in your body!

  73. Dr. Doll*

    Just got some quite disappointing news today, in general terms a professional rejection. So I am indulging in a little bit of self-care retail therapy and buying myself the GMB “Elements” exercise program that I’ve been eyeing for weeks.

    What do you do to soothe the sting of a rejection? And/or, what is your favorite exercise program?

    1. nep*

      Thanks for reminding me of GMB. I . Love their approach.
      Sorry about your news. Good on ya giving yourself lots of love.

    2. TiffIf*

      After a really stressful work week, I visited my favorite kitchen/baking store and splurged on some baking ingredients so I can try making a new recipe. Planning on baking it tomorrow!

    3. The teapots are on fire*

      My comfort is sewing books.
      I love Fitness Blender and I subscribe to PLUS for their newest 4-week flexible workout program. Videos and each day has 3 levels of difficulty so you can see how you’re feeling on a given day and how hard to push yourself.

    4. Girasol*

      I volunteered the last time I was job searching and found it helpful. When the perfect job didn’t want me, our local PBS station welcomed me and let me be a real camera man for pledge breaks, woo! It really helped me to put a bad day in perspective.

    5. Qwerty*

      I used to love doing Zumba on my Xbox. Unfortunately most apartments I’ve found don’t have a wide enough living room to properly use the Kinect, and my xbox 360 is probably going to die soon. Sometimes I just turn on energetic music instead like an Irish jig or Latin pop and dance like crazy around my apartment because I hate formal exercise but love dancing.

  74. Me--Blargh!*

    Does anyone have any idea what costs are like for home care? Not medical care or therapy, but things like doing the laundry, a little cleaning, and helping / checking up on an elder person?

    Thursday, my sister was visiting. We went downstairs so I could show her something, and we heard a giant thud. We ran up and found Mom on the floor—she got up from the couch and then tripped on her own feet (to be fair*, this could happen to anyone). Unfortunately, she caught the edge of the couch on the way down and gashed her head—blood everywhere. I gave her first aid and we called 911, but the EMTs said she didn’t need stitches or to go to the ER. She’s fine; no evidence of concussion or any other issues.

    With vaccines available now, I feel like at some point, someone will probably hire me again, and I will move. I can leave her alone when I go to the store and just make sure she has her phone nearby. But although she’s recovering very well from her stroke in November, I don’t feel like she’s okay completely on her own yet, and I don’t know when a job will surface or what that will be. If it’s good, I can’t turn it down or I may never work again; it’s already been several years.

    Medicare does NOT cover home services as far as I know. No one can stay with her all day; everyone works, and my brother is on the road a lot. He said we would work something out if I find a job, but I’m not sure how we can do that. I would feel much better if someone could reliably check on her every day, but I have no idea how that would work. I can’t stay here indefinitely; I need my own space, and I’ve been looking to leave the state. Although it’s not likely, someone elsewhere could hire me.

    I’m just trying to think ahead now. Anyone have any suggestions? Also, if you decide to off anyone on a wool rug, you can just hire me to get the blood out! ;)

    *to be faaaaaiiirrrrrrrrrrr…

    1. Skeeder Jones*

      Sorry to hear about all that and a quick note about the unemployment thing. I have been there. I was unemployed for many years and under employed for many more and truly thought I would never get my career back (to the point where I had severe depression and felt I would just continue to be a burden for the rest of my life. Long story later, I came through that as a much stronger and emotionally aware person). Eventually a stupid little holiday job got me used to being an employee again in a very limited commitment. It took some time and patience but I did eventually get my career back so I hope you can find the same end to your journey.

      As far as caregiving, I would say check out that one online service for care-type people that you’ve probably seen in commercials (and is most often associated with children, I’m trying not to get sent to moderation). They have many types of care on there and it will at least give you a sense of what it costs right now in that area.

      I’ll send you good vibes on your desire to get back to a career. I developed a phrase that helped me along the way: I don’t have to know the destination to know I’m on the right path. Thinking about it that way was really helpful as I did a major career detour to something I knew nothing about, partly because I didn’t have any recent experience in my career of choice. The detour actually needed some of the skills from my pre-2008 career, and it was actually what gave me recent experience to return to my chosen career path. Good luck with both your mom and your job search!

    2. NicoleK*

      There should be an Area Agency on Aging service that serves your area/region. They will be the best source for all senior related concerns. Obviously, each state will have different resources available. In my state, seniors either pay out of pocket for home care services or if the senior is very low income, they may qualify for a waiver (tied to Medicaid) to cover the home care costs. For those seniors that can’t afford to pay for home care services and do not qualify for a waiver, they may be eligible for services that are sliding scale or discounted. But again, it will depend on your state/region.

      1. Lcsa99*

        This. We contacted the local nursing home for recommendations and she directed us to the state agency on aging. They were able to get my mother approved for 25 hours a month free help through Medicare, and we were able to pay the woman an additional $18/hour as my mother needed for extra help, which was enough that insurance would be included for the helper. Whatever your state will provide and rates will vary but if nothing else they were able to give me a list of certified home care helpers we could contact in case she wasn’t approved for the state help.

        1. Me--Blargh!*

          Oh yeah, this might be good if I end up moving before she’s ready to be completely on her own.

    3. Not A Manager*

      If you’re not hiring through an agency, and especially if you’re willing to pay cash, you should get someone for the lower end of wages in your area. Ask in the same places you’d ask for a babysitter, a housekeeper or even honestly a pet sitter. I’d try the Next Door site, word of mouth, and neighborhood bulletin boards if those still exist, like at Starbucks, the YMCA, the JCC, churches, colleges, etc.

      It sounds like you’re not looking for heavy cleaning as much as light housekeeping, maybe some errands, easy meal prep, and maybe putting meds into a weekly organizer. You can find retirees, students, SAH parents etc. who would like that extra income.

      1. Me--Blargh!*

        She can do most of that herself. Meal prep would be like cutting up onions for her to use, and I’ve already alerted her to pre-chopped frozen onions. :) But right now, she can’t come downstairs to do laundry because the stair rail is on the right, and that’s the side she’s weakest on. Plus, with her tripping like that, I would just feel better if someone can come in every day and check to see what she needs. On any given day, she may not need anything. I’m also trying to get her in the habit of having a phone nearby at all times because she doesn’t want a LifeAlert.

        Honestly, if you’re gonna buy a house you expect to live in until you die, you need to think about picking one that doesn’t present obstacles when you inevitably get older and probably have some kind of mobility issue, especially if your health is already not great to begin with. Or be willing to accept accommodations that allow you to stay in your home and out of the hospital.

        1. WellRed*

          A phone nearby may not help though it’s better than nothing. My mom fell last fall and spent the night on the floor with a broken hip because she couldn’t remember where the phone was (easily reachable on low coffee table).

        3. bluephone*

          This might not help shift your mom’s thinking but one way to look at it: no one ever wakes up one day and thinks, “Oh I think I’ll fall and break my hip today, thus putting me on a long, downward spiral of revolving door hospital visits and eventually *having* to go into assisted living on short notice, with slim pickings.”
          These conversations are hard–good luck either way and I hope your mom feels better soon!

    4. ronda*

      I just looked up on my state govt web site (dept of social and health services). the Area Agency on Aging is the 1st on the list. find that for your area and you will likely find links to other agencies that might have advice and services.

    5. Grim*

      We paid $25.00 through a agency for four hours a day, 5 days a week. They performed
      the items you mentioned to help my mother during her last surgery.

    6. RagingADHD*

      For a part-time, non-medical home helper or adult “sitter”, I’d expect to pay $15/hour or a little less in my area.

    7. chi chan*

      There are fall alert necklaces and bracelets that might send a message for an elder person. You can also consider Alexa or something that can make a phone call on voice command.

      1. Me--Blargh!*

        Well, her voice is messed up (not from the stroke; it has been for years) so I don’t think Alexa would work even if she would accept a listening device in her home (noooooope).

        1. Observer*

          Alexa / Google home are not your best bets anyway, because they are stationary. However, if your mother won’t take one of the fall alert thingies, but is willing to get a smart phone (if she doesn’t have one already), there is a lot you can do with the newer phones.

          Even wearing a standard cell phone all the time is a step in the right direction as she can call someone if she falls but is conscious. With the smart phone, you can set up Google Assistant to recognize HER voice if she’s willing to so that and also you can pre-program a actions where it can make emergency calls to a list of people with a couple of clicks. Will that cover every scenario- which is why I’d push for a fall alert with service when you move. But still, it would give you a lot more than being totally alone.

    8. Seeking Second Childhood*

      When she’s able to get out, going to a community senior center might provide some “un-care” safe surroundings. Our area has a low- to no-cost bus for seniors, kids, and disabled people of any age.
      An elderly neighbor used to go out to lunch with her friends that way, and it gave her a focus to her morning.

      1. Me--Blargh!*

        She’s not retired; she still works. And she does have friends and lots of volunteer stuff going on. Fortunately, the hospital team expected her to regain full function and she’s getting vaxed. If she can start driving again, then she can get back to some of that. My brother took her to a parking lot a few times and she’s done okay.

        I don’t know if she’d do this if she can’t drive, but I’ll keep it in mind.

    9. Tatiana*

      Yeah, Medicare only covers “skilled services” – nursing, physical therapy, occupational therapy – and those are brief, intermittent visits. The laundry/housework/companionship type of thing falls under “non-skilled services”, “custodial care”, or “home care”. In most areas of the US, it costs about $25/hour through an agency.

    10. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Medicaid covers this sort of this, if she’s eligible. I suspect you could ask her doctor to help connect you to whoever can help you sort out what to do, or find the Area Agency on Aging. And there is going to be some sort of support network for caregivers that if you can tap into they can help with experience and local knowledge. I would recommend trying to find that network regardless – knowing people who just get it can be very comforting.

      Alternatively, if this is expected to be permanent, it might be time to consider senior housing of some sort. That would involve her moving of course.

    11. OyHiOh*

      I know someone who does receive home care services with Medicaid – this may vary by state. The person I know gets 4 hours x 7 days a week, two hours in morning, two in evening. The care providers do laundry, light housekeeping, and meal prep. They can go shopping for their client, if requested. They can say “did you remember your medication?” but cannot hand medications to the client, or otherwise “dispense” meds; they cannot provide mobility aid (lifting, transfering, help with dressing, showering, etc) but it doesn’t sound like your mom needs that. You could start by contacting some home care services in your area to find out what’s available through Medicaid. out of pocket will probably run you $2,000 to $5,000, depending on how much time you want someone to provide.

      1. Me--Blargh!*

        She works, though; so IDK if she’d be eligible for Medicaid. This is good to know, however.

        (We live in a hellstate that refuses to expand Medicaid, so I’ve been completely paranoid about COVID since I cannot afford to get sick. I’m trying to get the f**k out of here.)

    12. Me--Blargh!*

      Thanks everyone for your suggestions! I’ll bookmark this comment thread for future reference.

    13. SG*

      Depending on income and the state she lives in, she may be eligible for In-Home Supportive Services paid through Medicaid. I also recommend someone evaluate her home for fall hazards (like throw rugs) and get grab bars installed, especially in bathrooms and tubs/showers. (When aging adults who are resistant to this sort of thing, sometimes it helps to remind people how much worse it would be if they were to fall in the home and get seriously injured.)
      Also look whether your county has an Aging & Disability Resource Center (ADRC), which is a one-stop shop partnership between the Area Agency on Aging (a resource others have mentioned) and other area resources. If you have an ADRC, call them, as they are specially trained to make sure you and your mom know all the available options and resources to make informed decisions.
      Good luck, hope you find services that meet your mom’s needs and keep her living safely and independently in her home!

    14. SG*

      p.s. To answer your question about cost, other answers have been accurate, low end $15 for direct pay, but realistically expect to pay more like $25/hr through an agency.

    15. Chaordic One*

      In my neck of the woods most of the people who do housekeeping work (light cleaning, vacuuming, dusting, washing floors, cleaning the bathroom, light cooking and meal prep and also checking in on someone) charge $20.00/hr and work as independent contractors.

    16. ambient sensing*

      so there’s this newish type of technology called “ambient sensing” … you can set up motion sensors and fall detection sensors around the house that watch out for emergencies and falls. no wearable device. and it watches out for gradual deterioration in health. and it connects to an app for you to to get an alert if something happens and you can see their general “status” WITHOUT actually hearing or seeing anything she’s doing. it’s more private than an Alexa because there’s no amazon overlords listening. it doesn’t detect voices, just sounds. look for people power family, stack.care, aloe health, carealert. it’s cheaper than an actual caregiver coming but you can have awareness of her at all times without affecting her privacy. and if there’s an emergency, it’ll call either their own people or you, and other people to add to the account, and then they call 911.

  75. acmx*

    I think Medicare does cover it? But anyways, depends on area of course but I’ve seen billing at $25/hour.

      1. Dahlia*

        I can’t believe how many people are arguing it’s totally fine not to wash your hands after you go to the bathroom

  77. Generic Name*

    Does anyone have recommendations for a nightgown in a knit material that has a higher neckline? It’s not for modesty, I’m just really really tired of my boob popping out of the neckline when I sleep on my side. :/

    2. PollyQ*

      Lands End Supima nightshirts/nightgowns have a lovely feel to them and are fairly high-necked.

    3. RagingADHD*

      I got a nice bamboo viscose (very cool wicking) one off Anazon. The brand is Latuza.

      I don’t know the term for the style, but the neckline is a band that also forms the shoulder straps, and the body of the gown is kind of a shift. The neckline is about collarbone high in front.

  78. Effie*

    I’ve been checking Poshmark/Mercari/Ebay for a limited edition Hill House Home dress from Sept 2020 for days and the one day I forget to check, someone posts a NWT dress in my size and sells it at retail price (instead of $25-100 over)! I’m still hoping that I’ll be able to snag the dress eventually but I was bummed when I saw (happy for the buyer, though!). Have any of you had a dream item that became “the one that got away”? Any happy endings or resolutions to the dream?

    1. TX Lizard*

      Yes! I spent hours internet sleuthing for a pair of discontinued Free People Palermo pants, and could only find them on ebay for wayyyy more than they were worth, and not even in the color I wanted. I check those sites every so often just in case.

    2. Decidedly Me*

      This was when I was in my late teens if I recall correctly, but I was trying to hunt down a top loading Nintendo after seeing one at my favorite game store that was out of my price range. I had never seen that model before and not having to deal with the NES blinking issues sounded awesome. I found one on Craigslist and arranged a time to go buy it, but the guy sold it to someone else in the meantime (?!). I was very upset, lol!

      I did eventually find one, but it took awhile! It didn’t help that it’s both on the rarer side and people don’t know the difference between this model, the regular NES, and the SNES, so wanted ads were useless.

      Oh, and it’s as awesome as it sounded! I still have it :)

    3. T. Boone Pickens*

      I’ve spent more time than I care to admit trying to track down a discontinued set of bed sheets/pillowcases to replace my current set that is slowly starting to fray. Still no dice!

    4. Not Australian*

      If I could ever find green glass candlesticks on eBay (or elsewhere) that I actually *like*, I could stop feeling guilty about accidentally breaking one of the pair my grandmother left me…

      Ten years, and still no luck.

  79. Amy*

    I’m in kind of a weird place with my personal faith, and I’m curious if anyone has a perspective to share.

    I grew up Episcopalian and went to church with my family most Sundays. But I never really felt connected to my religion. To be completely honest, I found going to church to be an onerous chore, and I took (and take) serious issue with the atrocities committed over the course of human history in the name of religion. As soon as I was old enough that my parents couldn’t really require me to go to church, I stopped going and considered myself an atheist. My husband is similar: he grew up in a religious family (albeit a totally different religion) but never felt connected to it, and now considers himself an atheist.

    However, in the past few years we’ve started questioning our faith, or lack thereof. Now that we have small children I think the idea of belonging to a faith community feels appealing. I would also love to be more involved in charity work, which was a core tenet of the church I belonged to growing up. We’re both liberal, science-minded people and wouldn’t want to belong to a religious sect that doesn’t support LGBT folks, for example, or is at odds with scientific progress. But we don’t necessarily feel like there is an entity who is God. I think we would both agree that Jesus was a real person, and that his core teachings of kindness, acceptance, and charity are important. But was he literally the son of God? I don’t know if we would say we believe he was. I’m sorry if this is offensive – I don’t want to offend anyone’s beliefs, I’m just sharing where we’re at. All that said, though, I increasingly feel like there’s something out there, spiritually, that I should be attending to. It’s a persistent feeling that waxes and wanes but doesn’t go away. I recently bought a copy of the Bible to read because I felt like I’ve never seriously read through it and considered it.

    I don’t really know where to go from here. It’s a weird time, because due to COVID, churches aren’t having in-person services (or if they were, we wouldn’t be comfortable attending). And I don’t know if Christianity even really fits what I believe or not. I guess, is there a place at the table for someone who is try to figure things out, but doesn’t necessarily believe in God the way He’s traditionally portrayed? For what it’s worth we did try attending a service at a Unitarian Universalist Church about two years ago, but it just wasn’t really for us (I don’t want to offend anyone by going into why, but it just didn’t feel right).

    Any thoughts, ideas, book suggestions, etc. are welcomed. Thank you!

    1. Not A Manager*

      I was going to suggest Unitarian as well. You might try a different church just to see if it was the one you attended that was an issue. I also have friends who attend Quaker meetings.

      I have leaned on religion at times to provide community and a structure for charity, spirituality and gratitude, but I also very much admire people who truly integrate those into their hearts and their home lives without relying on religion or an outside organization. I had friends who raised their children with regular weekly meals that were an opportunity to connect with members of their community, expressed gratitude before meals, shared their small daily good deeds or thoughtful actions, engaged in charity that involved time commitment and service, etc., all in a secular context. I think sometimes people who don’t have a clear faith community feel that those actions and emotions will just occur naturally, but they need to be nurtured and it helps to have a plan and a structure for that.

    2. The Other Dawn*

      I think I feel the same way you do, although I’d call myself agnostic. If I go by the dictionary definition–“one who is not committed to believing in either the existence or the nonexistence of God or a god”–that’s what resonates with me. I believe there is some sort of force in the universe that makes things happen or guides us, but I don’t necessarily believe that’s God or a god.

      I also grew up Episcopalian, although my mother told me as soon as I made confirmation, I could do whatever I wanted. I don’t know why, but I guess she just felt like I needed to make that milestone and that was good enough for her. As soon as I made confirmation, I never went to church again. She continued to go to church off and on throughout her life, usually without my father (he believed in God, but wasn’t into church).

      I’m 46 now and off and on over maybe the last 10 years I’ve felt like I *should* believe in something, or should be part of a church or community or something, but I’m not really sure what. My husband is Catholic and believes in God, but he isn’t a churchgoer either. Every once in a while we’ll drive by a church and he says, “Hey we should start going to church.” But I never know if he’s serious or not. I suspect he’s somewhat along the same lines, where he feels like he should be going and he does believe, but wouldn’t actually want to go to church regularly. (Yes, I know, we should actually talk about it…) I once talked to an older friend about it, whose father was a reverend and whose husband also is, and she explained that a belief in God and following a religion is a way of life, which made sense to me. Thinking of it like that, I feel like church of any kind just isn’t for me, even ones that accept all religions and beliefs. As to where I will go from here, I have no idea. I guess I have to figure out if I truly feel like I really DO need to go anywhere from here.

    3. Anon for this*

      You might look into the idea of deconstructing your faith. Check out Peter Enns (books like “What is the Bible” and a podcast “The Bible for Normal People”). His work has been eye opening and super helpful. I also think thy having an open hand about it and surrounding yourself with an open community— one that won’t judge you harshly for your very legitimate questions— could be beneficial. Some Christian denominations like PC-USA (affirming Presbyterians) might be up your alley. Best wishes to you.

    4. Seeking Second Childhood*

      UCC (United Church of Christ) can be quite different from congregation to congregation. You might try one or more of those. And you might try a different Unitarian location in case they also vary.

    5. TPS reporter*

      I say cut out the middleman and just join a charity you like as a volunteer that has a volunteers that have formed a community. You can also take philosophy or religion classes at local adult Ed to get your mind going. There are a lot of communities out there that do good work and support each other without the typical faith base. I know people who all go out to pick up trash or bird watch. Even many of my local gyms have built a community by holding charitable and other fun events. I say find ways to go out and just meet other people who may be different to hear what they do or think. Be a model for your kids to show them that curiosity and socialization will help you find what you really believe instead of having it handed to you.

    6. Elle Woods*

      I experience many of the same feelings you’re describing. One book that I found really interesting as I’ve considered the role of religion in my life is “Good Without God: What a Billion Nonreligious People Do Believe” by Greg M. Epstein who is the Humanist Chaplain at Harvard and MIT. I found his book to be insightful and helpful in clarifying my own views on religion.

    7. RagingADHD*

      There are some excellent authors that write about their faith in modern terms. For where you’re coming from, I’d suggest some of the more intellectual ones who came to faith from atheism, rather than those raised evangelical who became more philosophical later.

      My favorites are CS Lewis and Dorothy L Sayers, but there are plenty out there.

      The main thing to bear in mind when examining questions of faith is that God is bigger than people, and so people can be wrong or disagree about some things while still getting the essentials right.

      Like, someone could add two plus two and get five, but that doesn’t mean math is wrong, or that they will get all math problems wrong. It means they got that question wrong.

    8. ThatGirl*

      I would like to recommend Rachel Held Evans’ work, specifically Searching for Sunday.

    9. 00ff00Claire*

      I agree that this is a weird time for visiting religious services, but in a way, it could also be an easier time to find out more about different congregations in your area. A lot of faith groups have pivoted to online services and many still stream or post the service online even if they are holding in-person gatherings. You could virtually “visit” various groups by watching their videos and see if any resonated with you. I acknowledge that this is less than ideal in many ways, but it also has the advantage of avoiding sitting awkwardly through a service if you realize it isn’t a good fit.

    10. Observer*

      I just typed up a response but my computer seems to have eaten it.

      Is your question about Christianity or about religion and G-d in general. For the former, I have no answers. But if the latter, then I would suggest re-tooling your exploration. Right now, you are framing your question in a very Christian specific framework, and it doesn’t need to be that way.

      The bottom line is that G-d and Jesus are not necessarily the same. But if you want to delve into religion and the question of the existence of G-d, you will need to intentionally look for authors and works that are not Christian.

      I’m not trying to slam Christians. I’m just pointing out that the question is wider than that.

    11. Wool Princess*

      Seconding the suggestions to try a different UU church/community in your area if there is one, because there can be a lot of variation between UU churches. If the minister has changed, the church you went to may even be very different than it was two years ago (depending what felt off about your experience, of course). I only harp on this because your situation sounds quite similar to many folks I know who are content in UU communities.

      The advantage of this “weird time” is that you can attend services on Zoom – many churches are even posting their services on their website/Facebook – so you can get a sense for a community without even having to log on to their worship service.

      Also seconding UCC as a good option that’s similar to UU values but culturally can feel different.

      In my mind, religion and spirituality don’t need to be connected concepts. I have been a UU most of my life, so I’ve always identified as religious, but have only recently started to explore my spirituality (which is too nebulous to label at the moment).

    12. Camelid coordinator*

      I wonder if you might want to look at churches based on what work they do in the community. You could take that as your starting point–if you like the sound of their community work maybe you’d like the church experience. You could start out volunteering (when possible) and then decide later if you want to try out going to worship services. As an Episcopalian I think you could come with these questions but also wonder if Quaker worship would speak to you.

    13. Jean (just Jean)*

      You might try the Ethical Society, if there is one near you. My sense, based on very limited knowledge, is that they believe in science, support LGBT folks, and offer affiliation, community, and ways to mark yearly and life-cycle events. Ethical Society members are generally uncertain about or nonbelievers in an all-knowing, all-powerful deity. Wikipedia has a useful article. (I skimmed it one moment ago.)

      I think Judaism is a blast, personally, and thus would recommend it, but it can be a lot to absorb as a newcomer. Jewish life incorporates history, ritual, a large spectrum of theological and ritual choices, the over- or under-lay of the ethnic experience, and/or, for some who convert, the sense of isolation that comes from joining up as an adult rather than growing up in the community. Judaism is also deity-centric, unless you can find a Humanistic Judaism congregation (just like it sounds: Judaism without the all-knowing, all-powerful deity).

      Geographic distribution is probably going to be about the same for the Ethical Society and Humanistic Judaism. Many towns and cities will have neither. In contrast (at least, in the U.S.) even the smallest hamlet is likely to have at least one Christian congregation, and anything larger than a “smallish town” will have at least one of whatever churches are most abundant in the general region. (Scholars have probably mapped the U.S. to show where one is most likely to find Catholic, Lutheran, Baptist, Episcopal, Pentacostal, Seventh-Day Adventist, and other congregations.)

      I hope you and your family will find what you’re seeking.

    14. California Poppy*

      For context, I am a pastor in a Presbyterian church in Northern California…and I’m a 40-something cishet white woman originally from the East Coast/mid-West. I grew up going to a mix of UU and Episcopal churches, stopped attending as an adult, explored a lot of places, read a lot about religion, and began attending a Presbyterian church after I had my children because I felt a pull that waxed and waned towards some kind of faith-life. It’s a long story, but here I am.

      You asked if there’s a place at the table for someone that’s figuring things out: yes! I would say honor that spiritual pull. It’s trying to tell you something important. Take your time. I have something weird to say that’s very hard to convey in an internet comment, but I’ll try: I would say set aside the question of “belief”…as in a checklist of stuff you must believe in order to be “Christian.” Instead, look at “story.” Human beings are narrative people. We live in the stories we tell ourselves about the world. Every person carries around a “theology” whether they are aware of it or not, a story about who we are, how we got here, why we are here, what our responsibilities towards our fellow human beings and the earth are, etc. etc. Religion gives us a story to make sense of our lives, and it gives us language and practices to help us get in touch with the vast mystery of life that is beyond our human limitations. I find that the story of Jesus gives me a narrative scaffolding to make sense of life. My “belief” waxes and wanes but my sense of how the story of Jesus gives my life purpose and direction remains. You may find that, too. Or you may not, and you may find something else that makes more sense to you.

      As an adult, I worried a lot about having to set aside my intellect or my sense of justice when I began looking for a church, before my life took a turn and I ended up in seminary. And, yes, in some religious groups or churches, you are asked to submit blindly to doctrine. Even when you love a church and appreciate the doctrine, because “church” is an institution – and institutions are made up of people – the church as an institution is riddled with human flaws, even the most open-minded, most compassionate churches have been complicit in systemic, structural injustices (just like the US itself). There is no way around that fact. A church that is honest with itself will acknowledge that and actively work to do better and be better. Ideally, church can be a community centered on kindness, where people feel passionately about “loving their neighbor” and people really try to make the world a better place.

      So…honor that spiritual pull you feel…check out church communities. Look at their websites. If a church insists you must assent to an inerrant view of the Bible or anything else that seems rigid to you, then that’s not the place for you. Check out the denomination’s stance on LGBTQ+ issues, on racism, on social justice, on economic injustice, on women (& non-binary people) in leadership (side note: some people read “non-denominational” as open-minded; “non-denominational” simply means they are not affiliated with a higher body of governance). Does the church back their views with actions that make sense to you? Great. How have they handled the pandemic? Does their stance make sense to you? Great. When services open in person, go try some. Attend a bible study or a class or a meal with other people. Talk to the pastor. When you are in the space with the people of the church, do you feel like you can be yourself? Is there space there for you to be authentic with your questions and your whole person-hood? Do the people care about each other and seem to care about you in a way that seems genuine? If so, then stay for a while. Church is like any relationship – it takes time and attention to get to know someone. At a place that you like, give yourself a good period of time – Two months? Six months? – that you will attend before going someplace else. After a period of time, if it’s not the community for you, don’t feel bad about moving on. Otherwise, maybe you’ve found your place.

      I hope that helps. Peace be with you on your journey!

    15. Not So NewReader*

      Many churches now have their services online because of Covid. You can probably sit in the privacy of your own home and watch various services to see is something resonates with you.

    16. voluptuousfire*

      I’d suggest The Satanic Temple. I’m in the same boat–raised with performative Catholicism, dabbled in Wicca in my early 20s, and pretty much consider myself an agnostic atheist without giving it too much thought. I found TST a few years ago and I agree with most of their tenents but consider myself an ally to the TST. They’re doing a lot of really interesting things (mostly with reproductive rights and separation of church and state) and some podcasts that adjacent to TST are Black Mass Appeal and Satanic Delco. They’re also very pro-LGBT+ friendly.

      Also, don’t let the Satan thing fool you. It’s of no relation to the Church of Satan. The Satan in this belief system is a Romantic Satan figure.

      Also whomever mentioned the Ethical Society, thank you! It sounds interesting.

      Also

    17. Melody Pond*

      Don’t laugh – but do you know much about The Satanic Temple (TST)?

      If your first instinct is to recoil in horror, I suggest checking out the documentary “Hail Satan?” on Hulu. I have a similar background as you, and never really understood the Satanism thing until I saw the documentary (a key point: they don’t believe in a literal devil, they are non-theistic like Buddhists). Once I saw the documentary, I was like, “oh THIS is what I’ve needed in my life since leaving the Protestant church!” Basically everything you’ve described – a community oriented around serving other and valuing compassion, science, justice, and individual bodily autonomy.

      I always tell people that TST is, ironically, doing God’s work. :-P

    18. Chaordic One*

      I gather that different American Episcopalian congregations differ in how liberal or conservative they are, but in my neck of the woods they tend to be very theologically liberal, very accepting of LGBT people and not all that big on having a fixed set of beliefs. (There’s a not so-nice-joke going around about them being so open-minded that… Oh never mind.)

      Very similar to the Episcopalian congregations in having a liberal interpretation of theology is the Evangelical Lutheran Church of America (ELCA). I think the word “Evangelical” is kind of misleading in their name, because they don’t seem all the evangelical to me, at least as I interpret the word.

      You might consider looking into a course on comparative religion at your local community college. Or maybe something online.

    19. Small town*

      I absolutely agree with the advice to listen to the pull toward…something. I’m an Episcopalian with a trans child (out and affirmed in the congregation) and a Buddhist spouse. A couple of offspring, one in my faith tradition and one the the spouse’s. Both acolyted and know the tenets (we kinda like everyone). One confirmed, one not. Sometimes just starting the walk tells you where you need to end up.

  80. Amethyst*

    Warning, gross question re: cats coming up.

    My friend has a cat with a chronic upper respiratory infection. As a result he sneezes boogers. This same friend has given up on cleaning after herself so the house is utterly revolting. I spent 9 hours cleaning it yesterday and am heading back there today. What’s the fastest way to get said boogers off walls and cabinets? I’ve been using a plastic scraper and Clorox spray but it’s still slow going.

    1. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Ugh. Your friend needs to get their act together. And poor kitty.

      For horizontal surfaces, spray with liquid and let it sit for a minute or 2. It’s easier to clean up when it’s not rock hard. Similar for vertical except the liquid will run down, so less effective.

      1. A313*

        For the vertical, a paper towel soaked with very warm water and a little dish soap — stick it to the wall for a bit. That will make it easier to remove after a few minutes.

    2. TPS reporter*

      Can you encourage your friend to put lysine in the cats food? The cat may also be having an environmental reaction. Is there a possibility that you could encourage them to find a healthier home for the cat at least temporarily?

    3. Generic Name*

      Does she keep the cat pan clean? I would worry about the welfare of a pet (let alone a person!) living in a house that never gets cleaned.

      1. Amethyst*

        She’s generally really good about that except recently. Not to go into too much detail because privacy, but she’s had a lot of physical and mental health issues crop up in the past couple months. Her wife has just filled me in on how bad it had actually gotten cuz I didn’t know. She’s currently scheduled to be released from her involuntary section tomorrow.

        This cat came with the URI. He is a Cornish Rex. I was there when she got him from the breeder. The breeder is now out of business, I suspect because we and others filed complaints on him. His early life v. his life now, he’s got it so much better. The not cleaning has gone on for years. She knows. Her wife has told her to clean more. She tells her to stop nagging. I spent a total of 13.5 hours cleaning and I’m still not done and I’m not going back unless I have a team of people helping me. She’s going to be hearing it from me.

        1. Generic Name*

          “Her wife has told her to clean more”

          ???

          Does your friend’s wife not live with her? Or is physically not able to clean at all? I feel like there’s something missing. I’m glad your friend has you to help, and I’m sure she is too :)

          1. Amethyst*

            They have separate households. Eventually the goal is for them to downsize & find a place together. They see each other on weekends.

        2. Wool Princess*

          Your friend may benefit from the book “Keeping House While Drowning” by KC Davis, or other resources by the author (google “Struggle Care” or look up domesticblisters on TikTok).

          You are a good friend to be spending so much time cleaning her house.

          1. Jean (just Jean)*

            Hey, thank you for the reference to “Keeping House While Drowning!”
            Looks useful. Also **non-judgmental**.
            (Not a cat person, alas [allergies!]. I sometimes read the cat threads out of wistfulness.)

  81. KELLS*

    Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with a “gift splitting” sibling?

    Around every gift giving holiday she sends me messages about contributing to gift ideas she has – she is a HORRIBLE gifter. She doesn’t put much thought into what to get and focuses on some stupid idea or the price instead.

    Most times I usually tell her I’ll think about it and then she forgets or ends up buying something else herself…. but this time is different.

    She wants to get our mom a peice of jewelery for mothers day (my mom hates jewelry). She asked to either split the cost 50/50 or for me to pay for the warranty… putting my contribution at either $80 or $200.

    My budget for a gift (flowers/chocolate) and card for my mom was $30… so even just covering the warranty I’m almost triple that figure and she only gets one gift she won’t like. It isn’t even like the $400 gift is the normal level within our family…. that us a lot higher than any of us even spend at Christmas!!! We generally have an average value of $60 per gift.

    Financially she makes A LOT more than me, but she is bad with money so this is even a bit much for her . I’m barely making ends meet and my husband has surgery coming up and will lose income for 2 months (I don’t want to tell her this though).

    I already told her I’d think about it but she messaged me the other day to tell me that she’s already ordered it! So now I feel guilty that she’s spent $400 assuming I’m putting in at least $80.

    Any advice to how to handle it from here? (I was thinking of just ghosting her on this issue) Or even how to handle these messages in the future so she doesn’t pull stunts like this?

    1. Still*

      I think you’re going about it the wrong way by telling her you’ll think about it or never getting back to her. These are very soft no’s and it looks like she can’t or doesn’t want to hear them for what they are.

      Is there a reason you can’t just give her a cheerful and straightforward “no” the next time she asks? I think the way to do it is to treat it like a kind offer from her side, rather than a request.

      “Thank you so much for thinking of me but I’ve already planned something else!”

      “That’s so kind of you to ask, but a gift like this isn’t really in my budget right now so let’s just do separate gifts this year!”

      Keep it cheerful, like OF COURSE she’ll understand – because she’d be the one making it weird if she insists.

      As for what to do about the jewellery she’s already ordered, definitely don’t ghost her! Just be honest: “I’m sorry I wasn’t clear earlier but it’s not in my budget to contribute to this gift. I’ll just get mum a small gift of my own.” If she truly can’t afford it on her own, she can return it, and maybe that will teach her to be more cautious with ordering stuff next time around.

      If this were my family, I’d honestly just say ” look, mum doesn’t like jewellery, if you wanna buy a gift together, I think X would be a better idea”… But it doesn’t sound like you have that kind of a relationship with your sister, so I’d skip the question of whether it’s a good gift altogether, and just stick to the cheerful “no, thank you”.

      And remember that letting her know as early as possible is a kindness.

    2. GoryDetails*

      Eep! This is one for the “boundaries” post a bit up-thread. It’s too late now for my initial advice, which would be to switch from “I’ll think about it” to “No, I’m already planning my own gift”. As it is, you could tell her you had decided not to participate and ask her if she’s OK with having it be her own gift, or if she could cancel the order. You don’t need to explain your personal budget or gift-giving preferences, but it would be best if you were much more direct with her in future – it’s clear that she’s not hearing “I’ll think about it” as “I really, really don’t want to”!

    3. BRR*

      Tell her you appreciate the thought but you’re just going to do your own present. You could possibly tell her you already purchased something (obvious difficulties there if you haven’t and don’t have an idea yet).

    4. Natalie*

      Any advice to how to handle it from here? (I was thinking of just ghosting her on this issue) Or even how to handle these messages in the future so she doesn’t pull stunts like this?

      Actually saying some version of no would be a good start. “Sorry, no…

      …that’s not in my budget.”

      …I don’t think Mom likes jewelry that much.”

      …I want to buy my own gift.”

      Somewhere she’s writing about her forgetful sibling that says they’ll think about things and never follows up. Do yourself both a favor and get comfortable actually declining to do thing.

      1. RagingADHD*

        Or she’s writing about her flaky, inconsiderate sibling who acted like she was going to contribute, and was just deciding how much, and then left her stuck with the whole bill, and refuses to discuss it.

        When you give people zero information to work with, they just have to come up with an explanation on their own — and it may not be accurate or complimentary.

    5. Person from the Resume*

      Don’t ghost. You can’t actually ghost a sibling because you’ll still see her.

      Tell her, I’ve thought about it and don’t want to go in with you. I’m sorry you put in the order before I responded. Maybe add: I’d rather not give mom jewelry or I’ve decided to give mom something else.

      Next time she invites you to go in on a gift just say no from the start.
      No.
      No, I have my own idea.
      No, that’s too pricey for me, I’ll do my own thing.
      No, I’d like to select my own gift.

    6. The Other Dawn*

      I think by telling her you’ll think about it, she took that as a probable yes. Obviously she shouldn’t have, but that’s an indication that, in the future, you need to be clear from the start. Why not just say, “Mom doesn’t like jewelry so I don’t want to waste money on that. Give me a few other ideas and I’ll come up with some of my own, then we can decide.”

      As for what to do now, it’s up to you if you want to contribute or not. You’re not obligated to. She’s the one that took it upon herself to place the order before getting a firm answer from you. If you do, only contribute what you can afford (or are willing to contribute). If you don’t, tell her you can’t or don’t want to.

    7. fhqwhgads*

      For future occasions: stop telling her you’ll think about it. It’s perpetuating the cycle. Say “I already have my own plans for my gift.”

      For this occasion, I’d probably do nothing. If she asks for $$, act surprised and say you decided not to go in on it. If she pushes act confused. You never agreed to it, and just run with that.

      1. Natalie*

        If she asks for $$, act surprised and say you decided not to go in on it. If she pushes act confused.

        This seems passive to the point of being rude. OP never agreed to it, sure, but they also never communicated that they weren’t doing it, and now they have a perfect opening to say that they thought about it and decided it was out of their price range.

        1. fhqwhgads*

          I don’t think it’s passive or rude. If someone asks me for money I never committed to giving them, I would be confused. If this turns into a battle of “I never said I’d do that” “Well you never said you wouldn’t either” the whole thing is perplexing. The default assumption shouldn’t be yes until no.

          1. Natalie*

            The sister just said she ordered it, continuing to do and say nothing is the very definition of being passive. As opposed to something active like actually saying no.

          2. RagingADHD*

            That’s disingenuous.

            The sister said she was ordering it, and asked which of two specific amounts OP would want to contribute.

            To answer “Ill think about it,” indicates that she is agreeing, and is considering the level.

            To pretend otherwise is just shady. This isn’t a logic puzzle where you get points for playing “gotcha”.

    8. Not A Manager*

      I don’t think you should ghost your sister about the gift she already bought. That’s guaranteed to damage your relationship. I think you need to address this situation upfront as an unfortunate misunderstanding, and then be clear that going forward you are going to purchase your own gifts and that you don’t want to be invited into joint gifts. Try to say both of these things in the context of the current situation, and not in terms of what your mother does or doesn’t like or whether your sister has a habit of acting this way.

    9. RagingADHD*

      Just tell her, “That’s out of my budget.”

      And/or, “I really don’t think Mom would like that. She doesn’t wear jewelry, you know?”

      There’s no super secret fancy footwork to get these messages across. Just say the words.

      Honestly, I feel a little bad for your sister. She’s not psychic. If your whole family refuses to communicate the simplest opinions, how is she ever going to figure out what gifts people would like?

      1. Not So NewReader*

        We had a situation where the item was a ceiling light. We never agreed to it. Then all of the sudden we had to pay our share. Our share was well beyond our budget. One sib was a screamer and it took nothing to get the screaming started. We all dreaded it. Talking about a small thing like an ID card could involve hours of ranting. And conversations had been like this for decades.

        I see OP’s question and I have to wonder if sis is more like a bulldozer and less like a sibling.

        Fortunately (???) for us, there was no extra money to pay for it. So we had no choice in the matter but to choose to not pay. And that ended the shared gifts. The relationship did not improve- but it would not have improved anyway. The last straw: the light was ugly and did not fit the décor.

  82. Jackalope*

    This is a bit late in the weekend to add a question, but here goes: I have a question about light bulbs. We have a set of lights on a dimmer switch and a couple of the lights finally went. They had flickered on and off for ages before kicking the bucket and it was recommended to me that I buy light bulbs specifically for dimmer switches. I did that, and I can see that they are much happier than the bulbs that were there before, but… they’re so bright and white/blue that even being in the room with them makes me start feeling headachy. Half the room is still a tone of light that more closely approximates “traditional” light bulbs (which I deeply miss, even if I get why they phased them out), and the other half (even though I got a low wattage) looks like a hospital room.

    So my question: what wording should I look for on a light bulb package to know it’s not going to have that industrial white/blue feel? Is there a specific name or description? And suggestions on max wattage? I know this is a very specific question, but I thought I’d throw it out in case anyone has an idea.

    1. Damn it, Hardison!*

      I think what you are looking for is called “soft” or “warm” white on light bulb boxes. The light they give off is more of a yellowish glow than bright white. As for wattage, it depends on the light.. There is often a sticker on the lamp or light that lists the max wattage. You should be fine to go lower than that.

    3. Asenath*

      You need to look up “color temperature”. From the Westinghouselighting dot com page:
      “At the lower end of the scale, from 2000K to 3000K, the light produced is called “warm white” and ranges from orange to yellow-white in appearance.
      Color temperatures between 3100K and 4500K are referred to as “cool white” or “bright white.” Light bulbs within this range will emit a more neutral white light and may even have a slightly blue tint.
      Above 4500K brings us into the “daylight” color temperature of light. Light bulbs with color temperatures of 4500K and above will give off a blue-white light that mimics daylight.”

      This information is usually on the packaging – the numbers, the description or both. Personally, I prefer “daylight” although many people, like you, prefer “warm white”. I’ve been gradually switching out all the bulbs in my not-so-new-anymore apartment for my preferred type, but I’ve been doing it as they burn out, because I’m cheap (or not wasteful, I suppose). I’m kind of used to having a two or three bulb fixture with different types of bulb because I’m waiting for the warm white one to burn out before replacing it, but the effect can be annoying. I actually still have a couple of incandescent bulbs that have not burned out, probably because I don’t use those light fixtures often.

      1. RC Rascal*

        This, I say as someone who has professionally sat in meetings regarding light bulb requirements. :)

    4. Seeking Second Childhood*

      LED bulbs operate at a lower wattage that most packages inlude the phrase ‘equivalent to’ some incandescent power specification.
      For color, try a visit to BigBox Hardware Store of your choice, because the lighting aisles often have push-button bulb testers set up. (Or at least did in 2019.)
      The bright white you don’t like, I’d suggest demoting to the lamps nearest your house plants, as grow lights.

    5. To the Moon!*

      Sounds like you have Bright White bulbs (also called daylight or cool white) which can be pretty harsh, look for Soft White or Warm White which tends to a softer yellow color temperature.

    6. Jackalope*

      Thanks so much, everyone! I’m going to try again, maybe later on this week when I can make it back to the store. I knew there had to be something to tell me on the package. I figure we can trade the bulbs I just got for a different part of the house that we aren’t in a lot (this house has a lot of dimmer switches), and then have the ones I like in the bedroom.

      1. Observer*

        Why? You have sooo many more choices in color. For some things bright white is great, and for others you can get something that’s equally soft (or softer) than incandescents.

        2. Jackalope*

          I have never found an LED light that has the same light quality. I don’t have my aforementioned issue with most bulbs (guess I’ve accidentally gotten it right other times), but I still dislike the quality of light. I’m sort of used to it by now but I still walk into rooms, turn on the light, and wish for incandescents again.

  84. Potatoes gonna potate*

    Is it ever possible to become the type of person that whenever someone charges at you screaming and angry….you stay calm, diffuse the situation and everyone laughs and gets along afterwards? Are some people naturally like this or is this a skill that can be learned? Or – and forgive me if it’s a painfully obvious answer that I don’t know – is this a “go to therapy” type question?

    I think ones natural instinct if being suddenly yelled at is to yell back. I think that once someone has it in you that you’re a crappy person who has done them wrong, there’s no point in trying to salvage it? This is spurred by an incident with a family member earlier, but if I think about it, it has happened in the past (coworkers, strangers, parent). My first instinct is always to defend myself and make my point known rather than diffuse the situation. Unfortunately, that comes across as yelling and fighting as well.

    1. TPS reporter*

      Yelling is just such a weird thing for me to do. If someone is telling at me it’s like I shut down because I want it to stop. I hate the noise.

      However I wanted to figure out how to actually diffuse the situation instead of avoiding or shutting down so I took a meditation training course. It was fascinating and allowed me to see how to truly be a neutral third party that facilities understanding. I’m getting better at this interventionist behavior, it just takes practice and mindfulness

    2. I'm A Little Teapot*

      This gets into the nature vs. nurture debate, and I suspect that this has elements of both. My guess is that your parent(s) were yellers, which then resulted in you having a particular response to yelling. If that’s correct, then yes you can retrain yourself, at least to a point.

      You seem to be defaulting to a black and white view of the world, but it’s really gray. People are complicated. No one is all good or all bad. The good doesn’t negate the bad, the bad doesn’t invalidate the good. And people are not static, they can learn and grow and change. You’re also being very reactive (someone yells at you and you automatically yell back). Learning how to pause and reflect for a moment would be helpful.

      Lots of words for…. therapy might be helpful.

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        It’s funny, I don’t consider myself to have such a black and white view, it’s more gray. When I wrote this there were 3 specific incidents in my mind that stuck out as an example, but now I’m going to think more on it.

        And re: the therapy, that makes perfect sense. Best thing I ever read that helped put it in to perspective was.. “you go to therapy for the people in your life that refuse it.”

    3. Filosofickle*

      Sure, it can be learned — people in high risk / front line type jobs do — and some people are probably naturally good at it. I don’t think it’s a skill most people have. Personally I wouldn’t yell back, though not out of some magical ability to stay calm. It’s because my stress reaction is pretty much always flight/freeze, not fight. I would shut down.

      1. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

        You’d need a lot of practice to be good at, wouldn’t you? And probably training as well. The point of fire drills and combat training is to give you a known, practiced way to respond so you do that automatically when crisis hits.

        Potatoes, how would you like to respond? Is there a phrase or set of phrases that fit most of the circumstances that you could practice in your head? If you know you want to calmly say, “Woah, [person], what’s the matter?” (or whatever) instead of just wanting to not yell back, that’s an easier response to train. Ideally you would even drill with an accommodating friend with a flair for acting, if you really want to be serious about this.

        1. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

          Oh, and watching people who are really good at defusing and paying attention to how they do it. I’d guess characters in TV shows and movies would be easiest to find, though those are scripted of course.

      2. anon24*

        Agreed, I work EMS and we get real good at it. People scream and get violent with us a lot and we have to be very good at de-escalating situations. We can’t just scream back at someone. The trick is to not take it personally, stay calm, and try to calmly talk to the person and get through to them that you’re trying to listen to them and want to figure out how to solve the situation without being condescending or patronizing.

        I had a parent who loved to scream and carry on and thankfully I saw at a very young age how other people looked at them when they acted like that and I became determined to not be that person. Plus I was able to realize that it never helps situations to turn them into screaming matches.

        I have a vivid memory of being a young teenager and having things thrown at my face while I breezily continued on with my day and ignored the situation and was accused of having “no emotions.” No, I’m just retraining you that when you act like that I’m not going to acknowledge you, let’s talk about this like human beings.

      3. Potatoes gonna potate*

        That’s a really good point too! I was in a very heavy customer service role, and having to placate angry clients all the time. Even though there was lots of training and pointers from management, I did see that a lot of people had a much easier time diffusing the situation and later on laughing and being friendly with the client.

    4. Reba*

      I think one’s response to stress or feeling attacked is both “natural instinct” or part of one’s personality AND a set of skills that can be learned or at least worked on.

      This is a separate issue than what others think of you/how to behave toward them accordingly.

    5. Dark Macadamia*

      I think “everyone laughs and gets along after” is an unrealistic goal but you can still learn to react differently/set boundaries with yes, therapy.

      Yelling really isn’t an acceptable way to treat people. It’s not a universal way to express anger OR react to someone else’s yelling.

    6. Asenath*

      Sure, you can change. I remember years ago decided that my “natural” response to angry accusations didn’t seem to be working, and tried different, calmer approaches. Just that helped me a good bit, and much later I realized when I was the angry person, that the person I was talking to was really, calmly and professionally calming things down. It was a bit odd – I didn’t feel manipulated, but I could tell he was deliberately using a communication skill – and in one part of my mind, I thought, “So that’s what it’s like when someone is really good at defusing a situation does his stuff”.

    7. Not A Manager*

      Why would you want to laugh and get along with someone who yells at you? That’s bad behavior. I’m not saying you should cut off everyone who ever raises their voice to you, but it seems like you’re thinking in a binary of “there’s no point in trying to salvage it” vs. “no one has any negative feelings afterward.”

      It might be helpful for you to start thinking in terms of what’s effective rather than what’s a good or bad personality trait. If you want the other person to stop yelling, frequently maintaining a lower tone can be more effective than yelling back. Sometimes, with some people, you need to be more aggressive. But that can be a calculated response, not a default.

      Also, it might help you to contrast “yelling back” with what a lower tone can be. A lower tone doesn’t have to be appeasing, or deflecting. You can not yell back and still not allow the behavior to continue. In fact, I would argue that firmly stating “I need you to stop shouting at me,” is much more effective in dialing people down than shouting “STOP YELLING AT ME!” Why are you yelling back? If it’s because you think you don’t have other options to defend yourself, think of some. Can you leave the situation? “I can’t talk to you when you’re like this. I’m going home/going for a walk/going to my bedroom. We can discuss this when you’re not shouting at me.” Can you literally refuse to engage? “Whatever you have to say to me, you can speak civilly. I’m not responding to this.” Can you simply name the behavior? “You are shouting at me and making wild accusations. Stop it.”

      If I were you, I would read Captain Awkward who has a lot of good, de-escalating scripts, and I would literally role-play in my mind. Practice saying some of the phrases. Think about your tone. I believe that you recently had a child? It’s possible that over the next few years, interacting with your child will actually help you with this. You’ll be setting a lot of limits on your child’s behavior, hopefully without yelling, and the techniques of controlling a cranky 3-year-old are eerily similar to the techniques of dealing with an unreasonable adult. In the meantime, think of dealing with these adults as practice for dealing with your child later.

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        Why would you want to laugh and get along with someone who yells at you? That’s bad behavior. I’m not saying you should cut off everyone who ever raises their voice to you, but it seems like you’re thinking in a binary of “there’s no point in trying to salvage it” vs. “no one has any negative feelings afterward.”

        That’s a good point, I think I was just thinking of specific situations I’ve been through when I said this. For example, when I mentioned strangers, what had happened was that someone got angry I parked in their designated parking spot, when in reality I was told by the resident of the apartment that’s where I could park. The resident was mistaken and it’s an easy misunderstanding that I think once explained could have ended with no hard feelings on their end. It was a few years ago so my memories are a bit fuzzy but I do think it could have ended in a better way.

        I know people who claim that raising their voice and speaking in a loud tone with normal words is not considered yelling; to them yelling consists of a very loud volume and cursing and/or abusive language… which I disagree with.

    9. Vespers*

      I cannot imagine ever wanting to laugh and get along with someone who “charged at me screamingand angry”. That’s a no more contact, don’t ever want to see you again, never talking to you again type of thing for me. Nope nope nope.

      I don’t respond by yelling or fighting back, I go silent and get the hell out of there.

    10. RagingADHD*

      No, nobody in real life turns “charging at you screaming” into everyone laughing and getting along. That’s not how normal human emotions work, except maybe in situations where everyone is drunk.

      Many people are able to cope with a volatile, angry person without screaming back or dissolving into tears, but it takes a lot of self control and confidence. Some people have advanced skills in de-escalating conflict, but this often requires special training or an unusual amount of charisma and experience.

      Yes, this is the kind of coping skill you learn in therapy if standing your ground and staying calm is difficult for you.

      2. Potatoes gonna potate*

        I think I was just thinking of very specific incidents in my mind when I said that, but you rite, that’s not a normal, standard way of behavior. I was trying to identify a pattern and….went way off the mark I think?

    11. Girasol*

      I don’t see how you could turn the situation into cheerful laughter if the other person is still angry. He needs to control of his own emotions and you can’t make that happen. What helps me to keep cool in such a situations is to imagine I’m not me (with all my own family baggage and insecurities and all) but someone who’s not so involved, who could stay calm and treat the angry person kindly but firmly like a toddler having a tantrum.

    12. Double A*

      This is absolutely a skill you can learn. I think I’m naturally inclined to it to some extent (I’m not a yeller), but I’ve also received training in it as a Special Education teacher and I’m able to deescalate some pretty intense situations. Basically, it’s right in the word: DE-escalation. As the other person ramps up, you ramp down. It was helpful for me to learn about “mirror neurons” which fire and mimic the person you’re interacting with. So if you’re calm, speaking quietly, and breathing slowly, the other person is likely to begin to mimic you unconsciously.

      In terms of all getting along afterwards, that is also often possible, but it may not be an instant transition. The other person needs to be totally calm and capable of having a rational conversation. Sometimes they can get back to this baseline right after the incident, but sometimes they need time or space. You then need to reestablish rapport. Ideally, you actually can reflect on the incident together– communicate you still like them, love them, whatever your relationship is, but then state how their behavior affected you and ask a reflective question like, “Next time X happens can we address it a different way?”

      This link is a helpful framework for approaching de-escalation: https://www.crisisprevention.com/en-CA/Blog/7-Effective-Verbal-Intervention-Strategies

      Another big trick is to anticipate and diffuse the situation before the other person escalates. In a family situation, this means you’re basically managing someone else’s emotions, and it’s an unhealthy long-term dynamic, but is useful to know how to do. And I think is sometimes the kind and necessary thing to do (for instance, being sure to wait for a calm moment to give someone upsetting news).

      This mostly targeted at more a client/provider relationship but I think a lot of it can be applied to other relationships.

    13. Not So NewReader*

      I think the most helpful thing I ever learned was that an angry/yelling person needs to be heard. They need to get their message across and feel that the message was received. In some situations a good step might be to listen to what they are saying. I have seen the idea of repeating back what they said, I’d be careful of using this step. They might think you are parroting them or mocking them and become more angry. Know your person.

      Remember that yelling people have stopped dealing in logic. They are running on pure emotion and emotions are not always logical or may not seem logical to the listener.

      I found the expression, “accurate message but bad delivery” helped me to think about what was being said MORE and spend less time on the way the message was sent. If a person is correct then they are correct. It’s okay to let them “win”. If you want/are able you can later tell them their delivery sucked.

      As I started breaking all this down more, I found the easiest place to watch the mechanics of this was at work. It’s not like family where there is an underlying emotional connection and a loooong history of dealing with each other.

      At home I watched various people. My husband was totally willing to get his anger defused with humor. This will not work on me- so people can vary. Back to know your people.
      One family member was going to beat a dead horse, but this person remained aware of who he was talking to. In this case, I could say something about finding steps to the problem, or reminding him that he had already explained it or whatever.
      Another family member would end up angry when she was frustrated. Something specific had gone wrong and she couldn’t figure out how to get back on track. We’d talk about how to get back on track.
      My father would give me the silent treatment, which I hate with the fire of ten suns. Then one day I realized my youth and formative years were still unfolding and he was missing key things. With that, I decided that my life went on with or without him. He could talk to me… or not. [shrug]

      If a stranger comes at me, that is the toughest because for one thing it’s unusual. And for another thing I don’t know what this person is capable of. My go-to here it to pay attention to my gut. If I suddenly think I am NOT safe, the answer is to just get out of the conversation. In your parking lot example, my first thought is I’d check my own behavior. I can’t do anything about the screaming person. If I am in their spot, then I have to move, period. They really don’t need to know that some other random person said it was okay to park there. That has no bearing with them. I might mention to the other random person that I got screamed at, thank you very much. Or I might let the whole thing go. I do think in this instance to simply say, “I am sorry. I will move right now.” is enough to make most people reconsider their poor, ogre-like behavior later on. If course, I’d never know.

      Last thought. We can’t do what we did not learn/see growing up. But even if we did learn a lot on managing a conversation with upset people, the world changes at such a clip that it is hard to even keep track of all the various things that upset people. People can be mad at us and we have NO clue why. I think it’s wise to think of skills like this as “life-long learning”. Reconciling myself to the idea that navigating other people’s upsets will be something that I never stop learning about really helped me to settle some worries.

      There are plenty of books on the topic of dealing with upset people, navigating tough conversations, etc.

    14. annon, annon*

      I practice in a medical specialty that can be highly emotional. Lots of expectations and family dynamics. I grew up in a family that “argued things out” and that never appealed to me. When it comes at me I just gray rock it and wait. They taught us in med school that the average duration of an intense emotion is 90 seconds. Leaning against a wall with a relaxed appearance (no crossed arms) and waiting is very powerful. Then “have you said everything you need to?” followed by “are you able to listen to what I need to say?”. Works with family also. As soon as we get reactive then the derails start. The saying is that family is best at pushing our buttons because they installed them. I highly recommend Captain Awkward for this kind of thing!

      1. WS*

        Yes, I work in healthcare and while it’s not quite as volatile as that, we do sometimes have very upset and angry people – they’re not even usually angry with me, they’ve just brought their anger with them. Stopping and waiting while they rant then starting again calmly when they run out of steam works on about 90% of people.

  85. Aealias*

    I’m a bit late to the party, but I’m looking for suggestions to tempt my nauseous puppy to eat.

    Pupper has a sensitive stomach and some food intolerances at the best of times. She was spayed last week, and is having a MUCH harder recovery than is standard. To the point where the vet had me bring her in to do bloodwork, because it’s all but unheard-of for a dog to still have significant pain a week out.

    We’re in a catch-22 now, where if she’s not getting her pain meds, she doesn’t eat or drink or move. But if she IS getting her pain meds, they upset her stomach and she doesn’t eat. The vet has given me a different drug to try, but I also just need to coax her to eat SOMETHING. She was a 50 kilo dog, and she’s lost 4 kilos in a week.

    I’ve tried topping her kibble with gravy – no dice. She intermittently agrees to eat 1/6 the recommended dose of wet food. She will take treats if the neighbour offers, because she can’t bring herself to disappoint her bestie. Other suggestions?

    1. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Break the rules. Table food, etc. Obviously nothing that will hurt her, but something is better than nothing. If she’ll eat gravy, then give her a bowl of gravy. I’m a cat person, so don’t know the tried and true foods for dogs, but for cats meat baby food will get them to eat if nothing else will. Warming food can help with cats (makes it more smelly), might be worth a try.

      Hope this passes soon.

    2. A313*

      Has your vet given you Cerenia to try (Rx antiemetic). I am also a cat person, but Cerenia is very effective for her (and it was created for dogs). Try bland diet of grilled chicken and rice? I know how this makes a pet parent worry, so mostly I only have good wishes to send you and hope others have more suggestions.

      1. MuttIsMyCopilot*

        I second asking for an antiemetic. There’s no reason she should have to suffer through being constantly nauseated or in pain from not being able to keep meds down.

        As for tempting foods that won’t further upset her stomach, I’ve had success with white rice or oatmeal mixed with scrambled eggs or plain cooked/canned chicken. If you’re really having trouble getting her to eat anything at all, maybe drizzle a little bit of the water from a can of tuna on top.

      1. Natalie*

        Yep, this is the standard bland diet recommendation when you have a nauseous dog. You could also try giving her some no salt added chicken broth, and/or some eggs.

      2. ThatGirl*

        Yep, this and scrambled eggs are our go-to when our dog is having tummy trouble. Just be aware that too much rice can cause constipation, and make sure yours is getting enough water.

    4. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Things I’ve had success with when my dog was being food-averse: cottage cheese, peanut butter, a scrambled egg (I crack one into a glass bowl, beat it with a fork and microwave it for thirty seconds – no need for butter or oil, obviously no seasoning, etc), a crumbled slice of bacon. The scrambled egg works the best – it’s easy on their tummy, easy for me to put together, and really the goal is just to get some calories in there.

      I used a boarder once, when my normal boarder was booked up, who said that their go-to for pups who had upset tummies or weren’t interested in food was actually a scoop of Kraft Dinner. I haven’t tried it myself, but it seems viable to me.

    5. AvonLady Barksdale*

      When my bud had surgery and wouldn’t eat, we made hard boiled eggs. They’re his favorite. I don’t like giving them to him because it’s people food, but he needed it. We almost offered chicken too, but the eggs worked. We’ve also done fermented raw goat milk in the past– got it at a local pet supply store. Anything stinky and “special” might work.

      Caveat: for weeks after he recovered, this dog whined for his eggs. You couldn’t make an omelet without his snout in your face. He took to sitting by the fridge. But he is healthy and if he was bratty for a bit, ok by me.

    6. Redhairedrunner*

      My mom used to make plain poached chicken or turkey with rice and vegetables for an older dog with stomach problems. That was always eaten with no complaint or tummy problems. You can also try making your own bone broth, pretty much all commercial broths have onion which is bad for dogs.

      1. Natalie*

        Onion is like theobromine in that the dose makes the poison. Which is at least 5 pounds of onions for a dog this size.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      I think I’d get her to a different vet and a vet who is not connected to this one, asap.
      Dogs eat and eat, they live to eat.
      I have heard of people giving their dogs Pepto. I have never tried it on a pup. Pepsin helps protect the stomach lining, which she may/may not be having a problem with.

  86. Mimmy*

    Anyone here use Duolingo? I’ve been using the free version for awhile to brush up on Spanish (took 5 years of it in high school and college). While I like the variety in methods (translate a word or sentence to English / Spanish, type what you hear in Spanish, etc.), it can be very repetitive. I’ve thought about upgrading to Plus, but I don’t see anything anywhere about how much the upgrade costs (monthly / yearly subscription?), which I think is wrong.

    I’m not really all that interested in becoming fluent, I just wanted to brush up on the basics (I’ve been doing the same with ASL)–it’s good to have that knowledge to communicate with those who’s first language isn’t English.

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I do, I think I’m on a 270-something day streak for French! I do two quick lessons a morning, most mornings.

      Plus is $6.99/month after the free trial, I believe. But I agree, they should actually put that in their materials somewhere when they’re pushing it.

      1. The teapots are on fire*

        Plus gets you not much more features for your $6.99. Basically you can take more lessons at a time and not get locked out for mistakes…unless it’s changed in the last couple of years.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Yeah, their ads completely miss the mark for me. “You can skip lessons!” “No penalties for incorrect answers!” “Go faster through the course!” None of those appeal to me at all, thanks! :P

    2. Girasol*

      I paid $80 for a year, IIRC. That way I can do several lessons a day without getting frustrated over the lock outs, and there’s also a feature that lets you take a lesson or two offline. But the training system is still pretty much the same.

    3. HamlindigoBlue*

      I just checked my account, and this is what it lists as the benefits of Plus:

      Plus App icon
      Unlimited Hearts
      Offline Courses
      Mastery Quiz
      Switch between Spanish accents (my language is Spanish, so you can switch between Latin American and Castilian)
      Monthly Streak Repair
      No Ads
      Unlimited Skips
      Supports keeping education free for millions

      I don’t use the skips. When it detects I’m doing well on a level, it will ask me if I want to advance. I always say no.

      My subscriptions page shows this for costs:
      Duolingo Plus (1 month) $12.99
      Duolingo Plus (6 months) $47.99
      Duolingo Plus (1 year) $79.99

      I have the one year, but I didn’t pay full price. I think it was $50ish at the time.

    4. Qwerty*

      I spent years failing at learning Spanish on DuoLingo and gave up after they switched to the crown method because it was too repetitive and I wasn’t able to get to spot where I could read signs or come up with my own simple sentences. I never managed to understand grammar or get past the lesson on verb conjugation where they give you brand new verbs and no instructions.

      I had a better time learning with LingoDeer. I believe that an annual subscription costs the same as DuoLingo. You can try out the first few lessons for free. I have the lifetime membership to both LingoDeer and LingoDeer Plus (the LD plus app is mostly flashcards but also has comprehension questions that are hard but force me to learn the language)

  87. Wellesley*

    I got my second shot of Pfizer yesterday and I feel like a corpse! I’m having alternating hot and cold flashes and am generally lightheaded. I’ve been taking Tylenol every 4 hours on the clock but am wondering if there’s something more I can do and/or how long it’s lasted for others — I need to finish an important project tomorrow!

    1. LNLN*

      I had chills and a slightly elevated temperature. It started about 24 hours after the injection and lasted about 6 hours. Hope you feel better soon!

    2. Jackalope*

      I recommend lots of sleep today; that’s probably the best thing to help your immune system through this sudden surprise boot camp. If it makes you feel better, most people I’ve heard from reported that by the second full day post-Pfizer they felt pretty much back to normal. I was pretty tired that second full day so I did take the day off but I could have pushed through if I’d had to.

    4. Elle Woods*

      I got my second dose of Moderna Friday morning. I was completely useless all day yesterday (had a headache, alternated between hot flashes and being freezing, experienced crushing fatigue). I was taking Tylenol every six hours and drank lots of water. I woke up this morning feeling a whole lot better–not 100% but at least human. All told, the side effects I experienced lasted 36 hours.

      Hope you’re feeling better soon.

    5. Not A Manager*

      36 hours of symptoms for me with the second shot of Moderna. They started about 10 hours after the injection, so I’d say that 48 hours after the actual injection I was pretty much back to normal.

    6. RagingADHD*

      Same self-care as if you were really sick: rest, have tea or soup, dress in layers, and have lots of fluids.

  88. A313*

    I don’t know if all medical avenues have been investigated, but this can’t be comfortable for kitty. I think a checkup is in order? And the lysine is a good suggestion.

  89. Seeking Second Childhood*

    Why oh why do online retail sites not let you use boolean searches to get exactly what you want without exactly the items you DONT want? And while I’m at it, dang I want to be able to search for max/min lengths.
    Current battle — find three traverse rods of the same design to let us open the three sections of our 1950s window-wall independently. Center plate glass window to open from the center, narrow side windows to open from the side. I have three search windows open and they’re so obviously affecting each other’s display it’s counterproductive. So help me I’m about to give up and keep using the manual-draw curtains that are so awkward in air-conditioner season!

    1. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I have to remind myself it’s only a few weeks until vax#2’s immunity kicks in — then I can go to IKEA to see if I can figure out how their VIDGA system would work for my windows. I just can’t visualize it from their “little guy” universal drawings. :(

    2. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

      Oh yes, boolean searches are the best. Ideally with various categories you can search by.

      If your searches are affecting each other, would incognito mode help?

      While we’re complaining about internet shopping, why can’t Amazon and other places have a weighted review average? A swimsuit with 499 5 star ratings and 1 3 star rating should rank higher than one with just 5 five star ratings.

    3. Teatime is Goodtime*

      Because they want you on the page longer. Seriously. Websites are often made intentionally “sticky”. It’s the same reason department stores never organize their clothing purely by type (e.g. pants in one part, tops in another, socks somewhere else, etc.): the longer you are there, the more likely it is that you will find something you want to try on and buy. Of course that doesn’t always work–some shoppers really are just looking for that one thing–but it works often enough to make it worthwhile.

      …either that, or bad design, which is extremely common. Or both!

      I do feel your pain and I hate it, too.

  90. GeekyGirl*

    TL:dr – I need help finding a dentist / orthodontist for a second opinion in the middle of having a permament bridge put on.

    I have had one tooth (second from back, bottom) that I had a root canal on 15+ years ago. Crown stayed on and was replaced by dentist I am with now. Two years ago the crown came off. She re-glued it and about a year later it came off with the tooth inside. Reglued twice more, each time the first glue lasted about a week; she would redo it and it would last months. I didn’t want to do anything during Covid, but finally decided we had to fix this. I was told the extraction and temporary crown appt would take two hours. It took over four! She spent most of that time digging out the roots of the tooth that had a root canal. The anesthetic was wearing off, so the temporary crown was made, slightly fitted and glued in all in about 30 minutes. I have a super high pain tolerance. I was on motrin/tylenol nonstop for the next 9 days. It never stopped hurting. She couldn’t take the impression for the new bridge because she said my bite had collapsed and there wasn’t enought room for the bridge. The temporary bridge stayed in 7 days before falling out. She took out the stitches, reglued the temporary and said it was healing well. I was still in pain – and the temporary bridge fell out in two days! Pain is mostly gone. No pain with hot or cold drinks. Still a little from the extraction, but I guess the bridge was causing more pain.

    So – I now have no temporary bridge. No confidence in the dentist I have been going to for over 10 years. No more pain because the temporary bridge is out

    If this was anyone in my family, I would suggest a second opinion since this dentist has not ordered the permanent bridge yet. But – I don’t know how to find the best dentist for this.
    I don’t know if I can even switch in the middle of this procedure.
    I don’t know how long I have to get into a dentist (or maybe orthodontist since she mentioned my bite issues?) before teeth start moving around.
    I live in a city with a large dental school, so there are SO MANY choices. Reviews are not much help because there are so many that I suspect are not real (no specific details, reviewer city listed clear across the country, etc)
    What do I do now? How do I find a good, honest dentist besides just paging through the exhaustive list on my insurance company page?

    1. BRR*

      If you’re on your employers insurance can you ask any coworkers who would possibly have the same insurance?

    2. CatCat*

      Nextdoor can be a good place to ask for recommendations. I trust that more than sites specifically designed to garner reviews.

      1. GeekyGirl*

        Oh – Maybe NextDoor will be good for something! Normally ours is full of dogs and cats running away and complaining about door-to-door salespeople. I do remember several posts asking for dentist recommendations.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        When you ask people for recommendations ask them to tell you WHY they like the person. Some people’s reasons will resonate stronger with you than other people’s reasons.

    3. Reba*

      That sounds so stressful. I’m not an expert, just had a lot of dentistry in the family. My understanding is that it is normal for crowns to need replacing, but it sounds this is a particular problem area. You might benefit from seeing a specialist rather than a general dentist for this situation. A prosthodontist, oral surgeon or maybe a periodontist (they often also do implants).

      You do not need to go back to your current dentist! You will need to inform her office that you are going elsewhere, as the new dentist will want to see the records of what has been done. In fact, you can ask her for a referral to a specialist, although I can understand that would feel like an awkward conversation.

      Good luck!

      1. GeekyGirl*

        Thank you! You have given me an idea on how to handle it: She said my bite is off and that’s why she can’t order the permanent bridge yet. I’m going to use one of the ideas from this site: since I have a bite problem, the constant issues MUST be because of that and not her, and so if she gives me a name of a good specialist (a prosthodontist, an orthodontist or whoever else she thinks can fix my bite) then we can get that fixed first:) It shouldn’t be too awkward since that isn’t her specialty and at least get a second opinion that may cause less pain and solve future problems too!

      2. Not So NewReader*

        I have had a few dentists and not a one of them has asked for my records. After seeing this, I just ghosted my previous dentist after my husband’s face, tongue and throat blew up on him after an appointment. (It was the last straw in a long series of things.)

        Initially it worried me about the records. My first dentist I saw into adulthood. his office burned down taking all the records along. It was never an issue.

        My suggestion is that one of your screening points for your next dentist would be to ask how long they have been in business. Because of all that has gone on here, you should have a professional whose has seen a lot of types of problems.

    4. tooth issues*

      I had the second-from-last tooth extracted on top. I’d suggest trying both an orthodontist and periodontist. They are actually able to move the last tooth over into the ‘hole’: that’s the orthodontist, it’s done via braces. The periodontist would make an implant. If you have other bite issues, the braces may fix that.

  91. Lcsa99*

    If you live in the NYC area or close enough you wouldn’t mind going to Staten Island I can recommend a great dentist. His patients love him so much that some fly in from out of state twice a year just to see him.

  92. Kiki*

    Does anybody have recommendations for stylish yet comfortable shoes? My sister walks pretty much everywhere (she’s car-free) and she consistently opts for a low price point and style over comfort and durability, so she wears through shoes quite often. Her birthday is coming up and I am hoping to gift her some more durable, comfortable shoes, but I know she won’t wear them if they aren’t also stylish.

    She lives in CA, so she’s not really looking for boots or shoes meant for cold weather. She’s in her late 20s. She has a very classic, polished, feminine sense of style. She historically has gravitated to ballet flats, but their thin soles lend to being worn through quickly. If anyone’s aware of some shoes with a ballet flat vibe but good for walking, that would be the ideal.

    Thank you!

    1. Squeakrad*

      They are pricey but all my friends who walk a lot but want to have really stylish shoes swear by Arcopedico . If I put in the link it will hang up the response but if you Google them he’ll see lots of stylish flats good for walking.

    2. heckofabecca*

      Softwalk! I have their Hampshire flats (on sale on their site, but in limited sizing unfortunately) and they’re VERY comfortable. I have a pair of ankle boots of theirs too and—dang, the comfort is REAL.

      It is a bit to get used to the look of a more solid/thick sole on a flat compared to the very dainty looking ones, but the comfort level is really worth it.

    3. OyHiOh*

      Allbirds might be another good option. Low impact production values and lots of variations on ballet flats that look pretty durable.

      1. Pharmgirl*

        Yes, seconding all birds. I have the flats and sneakers and alternate wearing them to work. I’m on my feet 8+ hours and find them super comfortable.

    4. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      In the Before Times, I’ve done multiple extensive walking days in Rothy’s round-toe ballet flats – one pair, I got in the mail, took out of the box, put straight onto my feet, and went out into a 3-mile walk. I’ve also worn them for 8-12 mile Disneyworld days on more than a couple of occasions. The insoles are removable and machine washable – the shoes themselves are also machine washable, but shouldn’t be put in the dryer. They come in about six thousand colors, including some fun prints. The only time I’ve ever had any trouble with them, I got caught in a central Florida rainstorm and had to walk around in them drenched and continually walking through ankle-deep puddles for six hours – from that, I ended up with a small blister on one pinky toe. (But the shoes dried overnight, even in Florida humidity.)

    5. AGD*

      My shoe policy is like this (I love cute shoes but I walk a lot and want them to be super practical). Clarks, Ecco, Rockport.

  93. Taste Issue*

    I just had a late lunch (first time I’m eating today) and my food had less taste than usual. There was some taste though, so I’m not sure if this is a Covid symptom or not. Does anyone know if it’s possible to lose partial taste with Covid? I feel completely fine other than this. I tried Googling, but I couldn’t find an answer. Thanks!

    1. PollyQ*

      I’d get a COVID test ASAP and act as if you’re infected (i.e., full quarantine) until you get results back that say otherwise.

    2. Enough*

      I have not found any reference to partial loss of taste or altered taste except as one recovers from Covid. However I did have a period of 2-3 weeks last May were I noticed some foods tasted off and I ran a 99· fever a few evenings before I noticed the taste issues. Don’t know if it was Covid and a Covid antibody test came back negative in July.

    3. NicoleK*

      A couple of months ago, I lost my sense of taste for several days. Just to be on the safe side, I got tested for COVID. Test was negative, but better be safe than sorry.

  94. Yikes!*

    I feel so silly posting this. How does everything manage a work life balance. Actually I’m pretty good with work life balance. When I’m home there are amazing support of friends and family. I’m a female in my mid40s. I feel like I am trying to cram so much into my personal life. I love my life but there are so many things I want to do. How do you budget time wise this? I want to write a book, start a business, volunteer more, more day trips. I guess I’m trying to fit 5 lbs of sugar in a 1 lb bag!

    2. HannahS*

      You can do everything, but not all at the same time! Right now, I’m focusing on sewing and cooking/baking rather than knitting, because I actually need the output of the first two, and next year when I have a baby I’ll be spending a LOT of time on the couch feeding the babe where it’ll be great to have something to do with my hands. Learning the piano will wait until I have a bit more room in my life. Life is long :)

      1. Teatime is Goodtime*

        This is me! Except not with the knitting and the baby, but otherwise spot on!

        I agree: it all has to do with priorities. I have made myself focus these last couple years, picking only a few projects (ha!) or a particular hobby, because otherwise I never finish anything and get really frustrated. It’s been difficult finding a balance of progress and focus at the cost of some goals and dreams…but ultimately doing too many things at a “not-enough” rate was worse. I’m still working and thinking and trying stuff out and reevaluating, which is to say that I think this has to be an ongoing conversation with yourself.

        So: Of the goals and dreams and projects that you have right now, what do you like about each one? Realistically, how much work would it be to complete–both in terms of one-off blocks of time vs. an ongoing time-investment requirement? What hurdles are there to starting? What fits into your life at the moment logistically, temporally, financially, etc.? How does your self-knowledge shape the discussion (e.g. needing short-term vs. long-term feelings of success, patience, etc.)? What projects sound like the most fun to DO as opposed to just “have done”? And so on.

    3. twocents*

      I rotate between hobbies, which comes naturally because I sometimes want to knit and sometimes want to paint or…

      I’ve been thinking about After, because my Before Times social life kind of came about by accident. So I’ve been thinking more about what I want to do when so I can see everyone at least a bit. On purpose and not accident!

      For you specifically, devoting a bit of research to the things might help. Do you really want to run a business or just like the idea of tooling around with it? Would a casual etsy shop or freelance gig scratch the same itch? Etc etc.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      Some things may exclude other things.
      Starting a business might mean years of devotion with little to no breaks. You might not do the other things as much as you’d want to in order to get your biz up and running.

      Some things can be off-set from each other such as day trips in the good weather and writing a book over the winter months.

      Be careful on the volunteering. Some places really depend on people who can show up regularly. Have a clear idea of how much time and how often you can give to the organization. BUT. You might be able to be strategic by volunteering for a group that is tangent to your other goals.

      In the end, in order to have one thing we let go of other things. Most choices involve letting go of something else. You might get some clarity by thinking backwards: Picture yourself old and grey. What is much older you regretting the most that younger you did not do?

      I have a dog. I will always have a dog as long as I can. Older me would be “mad” at younger me for skipping the dogs. I give up a lot for the dog. They aren’t cheap for one thing. But I don’t like leaving him, so trips are less of a deal for me. Dog trumps trips. I have reasons (long, boring) that I decided dogs were more important to me. I think it’s really helpful to know your rationale for your choices and be able to put it into actual words. In the end, I can enjoy a dog 365 days a year and a trip is one week (maybe) out of the year. Everybody is different, though. Someone else is going to have a different conclusion and they would be correct also.

  95. ThePear8*

    I might be a little late to this weekend, but…Mother’s day gift ideas?!

    My mom doesn’t have a lot of interests I could gift around and I’m running out of ideas! I did order her a small box of chocolate strawberries but trying to think of a more substantial gift I could give. She likes cute animals and I’ve gifted her art, T-shirts and things with pictures of our dogs printed on them, and cute animal shaped/themed office supplies. She’s retired and spends these days doing yard work, but I don’t think there’s anything much I can gift her related to that? (She’s already bought herself a whole forest of trees to plant, all the power tools and materials she needs and everything). She does like word puzzles and board/card games like sudoku, cryptograms, and bananagrams, and I gifted her a board game for her birthday that went over pretty well (but it was one I knew she’d been wanting for a long time, I wouldn’t know where to start on new games to try haha).
    Any ideas? Anything I haven’t thought of? Just need a little inspiration to find the perfect gift!

    1. Teatime is Goodtime*

      Seed subscription box? My friend did one for heirloom veggies and she loved it. Not everything went well, but there was a variety and kept her busy experimenting.

      Books on plants and plant care? For example, those year-round plant journal things or, if there’s a particular kind of tree or flower or plant she loves, there are single-varietal picture and information books.

      Pretty plant-themed stationary? Maybe this is just because I love beautiful paper, but there’s always a reason to have more stationary. (A small part of me is thinking this same thing with socks, but I bet an interest in beautiful socks is less universal.)

      Are any of the trees fruit or nut trees? If so, maybe cooking/baking books with a focus on one or more of those?

      Maybe she has all the tools she needs, but sometimes getting a REALLY GOOD version of something is worth it–like a pruning knife or a particularly well made rake.

    2. Confused Single Mom*

      Maybe a wooden sudoku game? I got my mom one from Amazon and she loves it. It comes with a booklet so you can set up your own game and the numbers are little wooden tiles.

    3. Pay No Attention To The Man Behind The Curtain*

      Depends on the COVID situation in her area and her comfort level. For my mom, who has declared she doesn’t want any more Stuff, I try to find Experience gifts.
      1. Membership or season pass at a botanic garden, arboretum, zoo, or a garden society.
      2. Tickets to a museum or art show
      3. A class at a community center or community college (non-degree adult class)

    4. Anon5775*

      There’s word games called Upwards and Paperback. Non word games that are fun are Patchwork, Azul and Kingdomino. Maybe a necklace or little sign for her house made with Scrabble tiles?

    5. Redhairedrunner*

      How about a donation to a charity that matches her interests? That’s the go to gift for people who don’t need/want more stuff in my family.

    6. Lcsa99*

      If she likes gardening maybe a kneeling pad? There are plenty that seem very durable with cute designs on etsy

    7. Dark Macadamia*

      Would she go for like, a spa basket type thing for after gardening? You could make it more “garden themed” with scents and colors.

      A board game I really like is “Wise and Otherwise” – it’s kind of like a more literary Apples to Apples where you’re given the first half of a proverb and everyone tries to write a convincing end for it

    8. Not So NewReader*

      Gardeners always need more fertilizer, bug spray, plant supports, watering devices, etc. I’d give her a gift certificate to her favorite nursery.

    9. SG*

      The website Uncommon Goods is incredible for gift ideas, and they have a wide range of prices too. Uncommongoods dot com. They also have a scrabble tile necklace which someone got me as a gift, and it’s nice because it’s smaller than an actual scrabble tile so it makes for a better-sized charm (it looks like a real tile, you wouldn’t notice it’s smaller unless you were comparing it). They also have necklaces made with your initial on vintage typewriter key, which are classy and very cute. And lots of other stuff!

      1. SG*

        p.s. For some of the gifts on Uncommon Goods (like the scrabble or typewriter key necklace), you can find similar items on Etsy for less money, but keep an eye out for quality.

  96. Mstr*

    I don’t think you can have too many gardening gloves & Home Depot seems to have a nice selection, which might go well with a flower arrangement or this puzzle:

    The New York Public Library shop (online) has some garden-themed puzzles. I like the “Wildflowers Vintage Puzzle”.

  97. MuttIsMyCopilot*

    Hugger Mugger is a fun, vocabulary focused board game.

    She might like some sort of garden tchotchke. Maybe a cute animal statue or a pretty bird feeder or bird bath.

    For difficult to shop for folks, I often rely on consumables and other things that get used up but feel a bit luxurious. She might like a “spa day” basket with a bath bomb, face mask, foot scrub, and a nice set of pajamas/lounge wear or robe. If she likes to cook you could do something like a paella pan and ingredients.

  98. Shrunken Hippo*

    I could use some help coming up with scripts to use when I talk to my doctor this week. I’m not even 30 yet but I have terrible pain in my lower back/hips and hands. It’s difficult for me to get doctors to take me seriously because I am a pretty cheerful person and I don’t often show my pain. I always write down all the points I want to cover in the appointment ahead of time but I’m wondering if there’s any advise for ways to stop them and insist that I am having problems. I’m naturally a bit of a doormat when it comes to myself and I’m honestly tired of having to fight for every little thing health wise. I am in Canada so at least I’m not paying for the appointments but I do have to pay for a couple of medications out of pocket because they’re not covered and since I can’t get a doctor to help me get on disability I also have to pay for all of my mobility aids.
    Any suggestions are appreciated.

    1. Deets*

      My best tip is to rate your pain (I do it, minimum – maximum with and without any meds) on a pain scale that is more objective than “ten is the most pain I’ve ever had” (that might help comparing pain between moments but I don’t think it will help as much in the situation you’re in). I also recommended noting how it impacts day to day life as well as the particular meds and things you’ve already tried.

      I use number 11 from here as one of my scales https://paindoctor.com/pain-scales/

    2. HannahS*

      Been on both sides of the equation on this one (was a young adult with chronic pain, am now a resident doc), so hopefully this helps:

      1. Before you go to the appointment, take some time and think through all these questions: there’s a mnemonic medical students use that goes “OPQRST” onset (when did it start?), precipitating/palliating (what makes it worse or better), quality (does it feel like burning, stinging, throbbing, aching, sharp, dull?), radiation (does it move anywhere or stay in one place?), severity (you can use a 1-10 scale but I find it more helpful to focus on impact; what it is this pain interfering with? does it wake you up at night? make it hard to dress or do chores?), timing (is it worst in the morning/afternoon/evening). I cannot overstate how helpful including that info (or at least knowing it) is for your doctor.

      2. Know the specifics of what you’ve already tried. Saying “I took Advil and it didn’t work” provides very little information, because people say that and mean anything from “I took a regular-strength Advil once and it didn’t make my pain go away completely” to “I took two extra strength pills every six hours for three days and I still couldn’t get out of bed.” Medically, those are very different situations. I know you know that, but I see people from every walk of life, and some people truly and genuinely don’t understand the difference, and that’s ok, that’s why I’m there. But it’s very helpful if you can say how many pills you took, of what dose, over what period of time, over how many days you tried something, and what exactly it did/didn’t do.

      3. Think about what you want–and it can be more than one thing! Is your main goal to figure out what’s going on? Are you looking for tests/referrals to a specialist? Referrals to physio or massage? Ideas for better pain management? I know that you know that it won’t all happen in one appointment, but your doc can and should get the ball rolling on multiple fronts.

      1. Jean (just Jean)*

        Thank you, HannahS. This is good advice for many of us beyond Shrunken Hippo. If I can remember this idea until the next weekend chat (!!!) I will try to also ask the question “what are some helpful scripts / bits of information / longer medical histories to take to our medical appointments?”
        Now the adventure begins…will this small idea bob back to the surface of my mind at the desired time? :-)

    3. LNLN*

      I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I found it helpful to be clear with my doctor about how limiting my pain was and how it was affecting my quality of life. For example, telling my orthopedic surgeon, “When I get up in the morning I have to use a crutch to go to the bathroom because my right knee is too painful to walk on.” My friend with MS had to tell her doctor, “I do nothing other than work, take the dog out to potty and go to the grocery store. I have no energy at the end of the day and I spend the whole weekend resting to be ready for the next week.” Then they got serious about discussing a medication change. I wish you well!

    4. Tea and Sympathy*

      I had this issue with my mother’s doctor, so I sympathize with how very frustrating it is. What finally worked for us is that I started keeping track of her back pain. I went in and said something like she has had back pain on 28 of the last 30 days. I think it would also help to say how many of those days you needed to take medication for the pain. And I agree with above comments, that giving specifics about the intensity of the pain and how it affects your life would help.
      Good luck!

  99. Bethie*

    Ive only read the first letter so far – but we had a senior level person who did this. To everyone in every meeting. Cause ya know, she was just so busy. One of her direct reports would say to me “It is so nice to talk to someone who isnt clacking on their computer the whole time.”

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