weekend open thread – April 24-25, 2021

by Alison Green on April 24, 2021

This is an optical illusion. In reality, she is one-third his size.

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand.

Here are the rules for the weekend posts.

Book recommendation of the week: Early Morning Riser, by Katherine Heiny. A strangely charming story of Jane; her ladies’ man boyfriend, Duncan; his seemingly perfect ex, Aggie; Aggie’s extremely odd husband, Gary; and the small, too-close-for-comfort town they all live in.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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{ 1,236 comments… read them below }

  1. Book Club no. 1*

    I’m taking part in a (online) book club! It’s with people in my organisation so they’re not friends or people I know well.
    To those of you who have done it before: What things do I expect? What kind of things do you discuss about the book?
    Other than reading the book, is there anything else I can do to prepare?
    We’re reading Once Upon A River by Diane Setterfield.
    This is so different to the type of stuff that I usually read – I’m very much a paranormal romance type of person – so it’s interesting to read something that’s definitely more ‘grown up’.

    P.S. Alison, your kitties are so sweet :)

    1. Reader*

      There’s no common set of rules for book clubs!

      Some are very structured, with someone moderating the discussion and asking leading questions about the book — kind of an English class. Some groups talk about the book for maybe 15 minutes, and then just chat. And there’s everything in between.

    2. Anono-me*

      Many books have book club discussion points at the back of the book or online. Although I think it is not necessary, you might find it reassuring to review one or two of the discussion suggestion sites.

      Also, Reader might be being a little generous with the 15 minutes of discussion, I’ve been to book club meetings where the book was never even mentioned.

      I hope you have fun.

    3. the cat's ass*

      Great book,BTW, as was her first!
      Mostly you just read the book, discuss it, and see where the conversation takes you! Enjoy!

      1. Joan Rivers*

        I just started a book that’s so unlike me. I’m more the New Yorker short story type, but Natalie Zina Walschots’ debut novel “Hench” is about a temp agency that places people to work for supervillains. The main character is bi and others are various orientations and so far I enjoy it. It has a sense of humor and I didn’t realize how “niche” it might be till I read some reviews. It doesn’t feel that much of a “fantasy” to me. So far it has the feel of a series for TV or film.

        3. Karatesnowmachinechopsit*

          Hench was a good read but I upon reflection I didn’t love it. There were a lot of plot problems and at the end I felt annoyed because it seemed like it could have easily been written better. It left a lot of plot lines unfinished and felt completely ignored. It was a fun read for one time but not a great book overall

          1. Joan Rivers*

            That’s too bad. I read mysteries, as well as New Yorker type fiction, and love me a good PLOT. When the premise is intriguing and different it gets me interested — but I hate when plot lines get dropped. There has to be a certain interior logic going on.

            And I hate if a character is introduced and dangled in front of us but then disappears.

            1. Joan Rivers*

              But so far this seems like it has potential to be a series on TV or film.
              As does “The Thursday Murder Club” by Richard Osman. It’s set in a “senior” community w/lots of wine drinking — not cutesy.

              1. Book Club no. 1*

                I could NOT get into The Thursday Murder Club at all. I really dislike present tense writing.

              2. Peter Piper Picked a Peck of Pickled Peppers*

                Ooh, I enjoyed that too. Any recommendations for similar books?

        5. Book Club no. 1*

          That sounds so cool! Did Alison mention it here once? I feel like I’ve heard about it before.

          1. Lilo*

            Yes, I believe a while back and I added it to my Libby holds then but just got it. I thought it was good, definitely wasn’t expecting the direction it took.

    5. Goddess47*

      Besides looking for questions about the book, find something smaller that you liked or disliked. A character, a setting, a sub-plot… And why did you like/dislike it. That will help you feel like you have something to add to the discussion. It doesn’t have to be ‘literary’ — but something along the lines of “I liked the scene where Fergus did X, it was so realistic and I’ve seen friends do the same thing” or “I disliked the description about the living room, those were colors I’d never use and it distracted me so much”

      Also, if you’re prepared with an overall opinion about the book, that will also make you feel better. Along the lines of why would you recommend/not recommend the book to another person.

      And since it’s your first time, don’t hesitate to sit back and let the others lead the discussion. See what sort of things they bring up and you can join in when you want.

      Have fun!

    6. Artemesia*

      I am in 3 book clubs and we all moved on line. The problem with groups on zoom is that it is very easy for the aggressive brayers to dominate and many people don’t spot social clues of others wanting to participate as you would in a physical group. Thus it is important to have a facilitator and some expected process in place especially till the group has developed its mojo. We usually start with a round robin so everyone can reports their reactions to the group then the facilitator suggests questions and moderates participation.

      You may find being more informal works — one of my groups works very well without firm moderation and in another one person dominates if we don’t have structure. And in the third — the person who was a big advocate for free flowing unstructured conversation routinely interrupts and dominates and our less assertive members have trouble getting a word in edgewise.

      It is easier to start with structure and the expectation that the facilitator each time will come with some questions to guide discussion if needed than to try to deal with a situation where half the group is POed because they never get a word in.

      One of my groups just met in person for the first time in a year last night — all are vaccinated. What a pleasure. Another is planning on meeting in June in person if things continue to go well.

      1. Book Club no. 1*

        We do have a moderator, so hopefully that won’t happen! I’m happy to just sit and mostly listen in at first.

    7. Alexis Rosay*

      There is a famous librarian in Seattle who advised book clubs to always start by talking about the title of the book. I think her reasoning is that otherwise the first question people ask is “Did you like it?” which can kind of shut down discussion early.

    8. Joan Rivers*

      One thing I’ve done is email writers, and even an artist whose illustration was on a book. And they write back — if they’re not too famous! You have to hit them at the right time in their career, maybe. I always wanted to write Elmore Leonard but by the time I tried, he had an “asst.” who seemed to shield him. He was a god by then.
      But Robert Crais responded because I sent a heartfelt email re: his mystery told partly from the point of Maggie, the bomb-sniffing dog.
      I had back and forth correspondence with Joan Frank — a fiction writer I HIGHLY recommend. She’s brilliant. Very generous and warm!
      Just look for contact info. at their website, sometimes they do read their emails! The artist’s credit on a book jacket led me to his website and he could not have been nicer.
      If I were reading an author for a book club and we really liked the book, I’d try writing them to let them know. Writing can be lonely and they can appreciate the praise.

    9. Sc@rlettNZ*

      I’m in a book club at work. Our meeting involve going to the local bar for snacks and drinks. Sometimes the book gets a mention, and other times it doesn’t :-)

      (I’m in New Zealand so we aren’t under any Covid restrictions at the moment).

    10. Peter Piper Picked a Peck of Pickled Peppers*

      In my country, book clubs function more as private communal libraries with a small membership of perhaps 6-12 people.

      The book club owns a collection of books, and each month a member has a turn to host a book club meeting. They take money from the kitty to buy new books – new releases or whatever people are keen to read (each member contributes a certain amount each month). At the meeting, everyone can borrow from the collection and return them the following month. So everyone is reading different books. The only discussion about the books is when people ask for recommendations. The rest of the time it’s just casual conversation.

      Once the books start to pile up, we take out the older ones and donate them to a public library or old folks home.

  2. Work Food*

    Removed because this is the non-work thread but you could repost the same question without the work spin if you want!

  3. Fran*

    Exercise thread.
    Thank you to the person who recommended move with Nicole last week. I did one whole body workout and I liked it.
    I got a barbell and I am looking for 30 min video recommendations.

    1. Becky S.*

      Balance & Strength (Jane Adams) is an interesting one. It has a variety of exercises from 10 to 30 minutes and you can add light hand held dumbbells to many of them.

    2. Teapot Translator*

      I saw a new physical therapist this week for my knee problems. She said I can’t exercise two days in a row. ;_; But she also said I can increase my bike rides to 45 minutes so I’m going to do that this morning.
      Does anyone know of any resource (website, videos, etc.) for strength training that doesn’t involve the legs? I’m going to google “chair and dumbbells” later, but I thought maybe someone here would have ideas.

      1. DJ Abbott*

        I’ve had good results with pushups. :) The plank is considered the best core exercise.
        Another one that was prescribed to me by a physical therapist is like a pushup, but you leave your hips and legs on the floor and only raise from the hips up. It stretches the front of your torso to counter hunching, and it also seems to strengthen my arms and shoulders.

          1. DJ Abbott*

            You can start small with push-ups! I started on my knees going down about halfway and I could do five at a time. Now I’m still on my knees but going down further and can do eight or nine.
            There’s nothing wrong with starting small! :)

    3. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Saturday morning TV, harnessing my childhood bad habit for a good habit: I got the exercise bike in front of the TV and I’m watching Law & Order.

    4. Sapphire (they)*

      I went on a bike ride on Thursday, which was fun, but I really need to take my bike in to get tuned up. I also need to find a new bike shop in the city where I’m living.

    5. Artemesia*

      I learned to say ‘I exercise every morning’ in French, will that count as exercise?

    6. Professor Plum*

      I went to my first water aerobics class today in more than a year. It felt so good to move in the water! (And strange to be around people at the same time—only 8 in the class also there was lots of space.) My gym used to have 3 classes/week—they’ve started back with 2 and hope to build back up to a full schedule.

    7. Fold in the Cheese*

      My newest obsession is the YouTube channel “Fabulous50s.” I’m not in my 50s yet, but holy mackerel, the workouts are amazing! I have so much more stamina, energy, and the woman who does the workouts is so genuine and lovely, she makes me *want* to exercise! There’s cardio, toning, strength, stretching, in all different lengths.

  4. Scent Exile*

    Has anyone had an experience with neighbors who use a really strong smelling cleaning products? I live next to an apartment complex and sometimes the scent (I think from laundry sheets?) is so strong it pervades my yard and sometimes even the house with the windows closed. It gives me a headache and itchy throat, and my office is in the area. I can’t pinpoint where it comes from, but it’s starting to drive me mad. Aside from leaving a note on the entrance (gated complex) asking people to not use strongly scented products, I have no idea how to approach this. Thoughts?

    1. Lizabeth*

      I can think of two things:
      1. Contact the apartment complex management instead of a flyer.
      2. is there a dryer vent located near your house?

      1. Effie*

        I agree with Lizabeth, it sounds like a dryer vent. That sounds rough because you’re not even in the same complex – would a humidifier help at all?

    2. RagingADHD*

      If it makes you feel like you’re doing something to leave a note or contact the management, feel free. But it’s not realistic to expect that it will have any effect.

      I know it’s annoying, but it’s really not something you can control.

    3. Unfettered scientist*

      Yeah it sounds like you live downwind of laundry… I kind of doubt it’s just one person. Unfortunately this doesn’t sound like something you this is a long term solution but can control… can you plant hedges or put up a fence to try to block wind?

      1. Run mad; don't faint*

        Also, look into improving your windows since you’re also smelling it inside. Reglazing individual panes, caulk and window stripping can all help prevent drafts. You could also try layering window treatments the same way people do to keep out cold air. Put blinds against the glass; sheers over those and a heavier curtain over that.

    4. Rara Avis*

      My next door neighbors smoke a lot —A LOT — of pot, and always outside. We have no AC and the only way to cool the house in the summer is to open it up at night. So we can either suffer heat exhaustion or constant congestion ugh int and hacking from second-hand smoke. I would SJ there was a good solution. If you can keep the windows closed, it was recommended to us to use an air purifier to counteract smoke from the fires in our area last summer.

    5. Amaranth*

      Do they have a laundry room near your home, rather than individual laundry in the units? There might be something in their cleaning/laundry products that you’re getting in large doses. Also check if there is a pool. Some pool cleaning chemicals could bother you as well. If nothing else, if its a cleaning product issue, you might be able to find out when they use them. If its a single apartment near you, ask if they can check their maintenance, that something is making you sick. You might also be able to get some better filters for particulates and odors added to your vents. If you can smell it inside your house, have you asked your neighbors if they small it as well? If you go on Next Door or ask around and others notice it, a group approach to the property manager might have more impact.

    6. Windchime*

      In my old neighborhood, the houses were very close together. I could tell when my neighbor was doing laundry because she used a really strong, perfumed dryer sheet and it was so smelly! I can sympathize; it’s really hard to not have control over stuff like that.

  5. Teatime is Goodtime*

    For Old and Don’t Care, from last week:
    The buckwheat brand we buy is called Dovgan.

    Context if anyone else is curious:
    Last week we were talking about breakfast foods. My family has been eating buckwheat recently and we all love it: it is nutty and nutritious and you can add anything to it (butter, herbs, cheese, yoghurt and jam, oil and flax seeds, etc.) We make it like couscous, so cooked for 10 minutes in lightly salted water, and then covered and off the heat for 15 minutes, then drained and consumed. Leftovers we put over salad or rewarmed.

    We like the roasted version, which is a dark toasty brown, and imported from Russia (Please note, I am not in the USA at the moment if that matters for your brand shopping!). Nonroasted still tastes good, but less nutty, and has a slightly green tinge that some find less appetizing (but doesn’t matter much for salads!). We tried roasting it ourselves but couldn’t do it as well.

    What have you all been eating for breakfast?

      2. Peanut*

        If you’re in the US, I recommend trying to find Wolff’s Kasha. It’s roasted buckwheat groats and is an Ashkenazi Jewish staple food – we eat it for breakfast, and also for dinner mixed with onions, celery, and noodles. =). Several “regular” grocery stores in my (not very Jewish) area have it, so it’s not hard to find around here though is usually in the “ethnic” section.

    2. Asenath*

      Missed this topic last week. I like hot cereals mixed with frozen or dried fruit and yogurt. I usually try mixed grains. I am still lamenting my recent discovery that the reason I can’t find Red River cereal (flax seeds, rye meal and cracked wheat), which I ate alone or mixed with oatmeal, is that it isn’t being made any more. I’m thinking about trying to make a substitute, but am having trouble finding the rye meal and cracked wheat at a reasonable price, especially considering shipping costs. Meanwhile, I’m using the last of my Red River cereal stock, oatmeal, and a locally-available 12-grain blend (Steerville Mill), which I like better than the last brand I tried. Sometimes I eat bacon and eggs or pancakes – I just got some buckwheat flour for buckwheat pancakes, and I have tried buckwheat groats, which I like.

      1. pancakes*

        Try Purcell Mountain Farms. I’ve been ordering red and blue cornmeal from them for years and they sell all sorts of other grains.

      2. Tacky B*

        Oh no. I grew up at summer camp with Red River cereal. We used to call it the bird seed breakfast.

        1. Squeakrad*

          We purchased the eight grain version from King Arthur foods – it can be used as an additive to bread or as a hot cereal and it’s really delicious.

      3. Teatime is Goodtime*

        Oh no! It is so terrible when beloved things get discontinued. :( Bummer. I wish you much luck finding a good alternative!

    3. Venus*

      I found out that I can eat oatmeal by soaking it in liquid (milk, yogurt, etc) for a day or more. I add a bit of sweetener but I use much less than when I cook the oats. This is much faster as there is no cook time, much easier to clean, and I don’t know if I will ever cook oats again.

      1. Teatime is Goodtime*

        My friend calls these overnight oats! I like them, but I like them cooked better because I like them warm rather than cold. :)

          1. Teatime is Goodtime*

            Oh, where I am Bircher müsli is something else. More like a mix of oats and other stuff and not necessarily set overnight (though often with milk). How interesting!

      2. AceLibrarian*

        I’ve discovered overnight oats this month too – I add a spoonful of brown sugar and some cinnamon, then chop up an apple in the morning and throw it in with some peanut butter granola. It’s like eating a cobbler for breakfast! I’ve never really liked oatmeal before, but I feel like soaking them overnight leaves them less mushy and I like it much better this way.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          Do y’all heat up the overnight oats? I find the idea of eating cold oatmeal right out of the fridge very gross.

          1. Teatime is Goodtime*

            My friend doesn’t! She does let it get closer to room temperature, though. Still, I don’t get it at all! I will say she uses whole rolled oats, too, which means the texture isn’t as bad as it sounds like it would be. But then again, I always use whole rolled oats in my oatmeal anyway, so maybe that’s just me? Steel cut oats aren’t available where I am, unfortunately, unless I special-order them online.

          2. AceLibrarian*

            I don’t! I eat it straight out of the fridge. I’ve seen some recipes say that you can heat them, but the thought doesn’t appeal to me. Also, like Teatime is Goodtime says, overnight oats typically use whole rolled oats so I think they keep their shape/texture better than other oat types.

          3. Kiwi*

            I reheat it, can’t stand the texture when it’s cold. I usually add a little extra milk to make the heated oats less gooey

          4. Venus*

            I’m using steel cut and eating it cold. But I’m eating them for the first time as I only cooked the rolled, and was gifted these, so it feels a bit like granola and I use as much yogurt as milk.

    4. Teapot Translator*

      Yesterday, I tried making poached eggs in the microwave. I didn’t like the process. Last weekend, I tried to do poached eggs on the stove and it wasn’t a success, so I’m going to try to find a small sieve at the supermarket. According to the Internet, it might help with the wisps.
      My usual breakfast is very boring: hard-boiled egg, toast and yogurt with fruit and honey. I’m trying to reduce salt and sugar in my diet for health reasons, so I have a hard time coming up with new breakfast ideas. I experiment mainly on the weekend.

        1. Teapot Translator*

          Thanks for the link! I buy my eggs at the supermarket. I’m thinking they’re not the freshest. That’s where the sieve is supposed to help.

      2. Trixie*

        I ordered some silicone poaching cups online and will be trying those out next week. I also have an egg bites mold which I am experimenting with in the Instant pot this weekend. I like the idea of eggs on a bed of lentils or spring mix greens. Maybe with sourdough toast over the weekends for a treat.

        1. Teapot Translator*

          I like soft-boiled egg, but I also like the eggs to still be a bit warm when I eat them on toast? So, if I make a soft-boiled egg, I’m also trying not to burn myself while peeling them. :)

        1. Teapot Translator*

          I tried it today. One egg “sieved”, one not. The first egg looked better than the second!

      6. Groundhogs Again*

        I have so much love for my pottery microwave egg cookers. I bought the scrambled egg/omelet one on a whim and the poached egg one because the scrambled egg one worked so well. I got them from UncommonGoods .com they’re made by a potter named Tony. I think they were $25 each. I’ll find the link and post – I seriously love these things.

    5. Lurkey Turkey*

      Thanks for the kasha recommendation. I tried it this week and it’s really tasty. I Made a big batch and reheated it throughout the week with some sauteed veggies and a fried egg on top. I will try savory oatmeal recipes next.

    6. Anonymath*

      I needed a low calorie, high-fiber breakfast, and I prefer savory to sweet. I had been making chicken congee in my crockpot, but was looking for a substitute for the white rice. I finally found Pompanoosuc Porridge, from King Arthur Baking. It’s a blend of steel cut oats, whole wheat bulgur, and flax seeds. Two cups of that in my largest crockpot with about 2 lbs of boneless skinless chicken breast (thighs are good too), a tablespoon of kosher salt, a handful (or more to taste) of peeled sliced ginger root, and 8 cups of water over low till bubbly (about 4 hours) then over warm until chicken is easily shreddable. Make sure your warm setting keeps the food above 145 F for safety. If you stir it occasionally it comes out creamier but you can also just set it to heat all night and wake up to nice hot porridge in the morning. It makes enough to last all week and rewarms nicely in the microwave. I like mine with a splash of sweet soy stirred in. Tasty, savory, and keeps me full till lunchtime.

      1. Artemesia*

        My go to is toast made from Ezekial sesame bread which is made without flour (my husband calls it ‘floor sweepings’ bread and won’t touch it — but I like it — substantial, and I use peanut only peanut butter on it. I am pre-diabetic and so want things that digest slowly and do not contain sugar. It is easy and substantial and tasty and doesn’t dirty up a pot.

    7. AL*

      Today I had toast with avocado spread and smoked salmon on top. Normally I am not so fancy and just grab a Fage 0 yogurt!

      1. Elizabeth West*

        MMMMMM
        I used to make sandwiches with avocado, smoked salmon, and cream cheese on wheat bread. So tasty.

    8. Loredena*

      My typical breakfast is plain yogurt with granola stirred in. I just moved though and am having trouble finding a yogurt I really like so I’m considering making muffin quiche on the weekend to get me through the week

      1. Teatime is Goodtime*

        I go through phases of this. I only ever make my own granola these days, though, because the store-bought stuff ends up being way too sweet.

        And my empathy on the yogurt. There’s only one brand in my area that I like so far and they only have it at one store…and since that store doesn’t do pick-up, I haven’t had regular access to it. I miss it!

    9. Bibliovore*

      I eat an odd breakfast. a jammy egg- recipe is Momofuko soy egg. 1/2 cup of sushi rice, about 1/2 cup of Mother-in-Law Kimchi, home made fresh cucumber pickles, pickled ginger, about a half teaspoon of chili oil (chili crisp) a sprinkle of furake.
      Pretty much everyday OR a banana orange smoothie with protein powder.

      2. Not a cat*

        This isn’t in the least bit odd. In fact, this rice/egg mixture is traditional comfort food in Japan. It is good, though and I have it for lunch.

    10. lemon meringue*

      Breakfast crumble. I make my own granola and sprinkle it over fruits cooked with a little maple syrup and vanilla. (I try to use sweet fruits so they don’t need much additional sweetening.) Apple, pear, blueberry, strawberry-rhubarb: all winners.

      1. Chauncy Gardener*

        Apple oatmeal custard with golden raisins and chopped dried apricots. Keeps well in the fridge and is good warmed up in the microwave or cold. It only has 1/3 cup of brown sugar for an 8×8 pan, so really low sugar

    11. Elizabeth West*

      Hm, that sounds kinda tasty. I’ll have to bookmark this.

      I tend to eat the same thing every day—Greek yogurt with honey, almonds, and two tiny mandarin oranges. Or steel-cut quick oats with almonds and thawed frozen blueberries Fresh is good too, but I only like blueberries if they’re in stuff, and frozen keeps longer. Sometimes I make a simple egg tortilla thing I found a recipe for on Quora. I add spinach leaves and sriracha (I need a stove for this, however, so I haven’t had it for a while).

      I can’t eat right away in the morning, so I have coffee first. I got one of those mugs with lines on it where your mood gets better as you get to the bottom of the cup, like:
      —–Shhh
      —–Almost
      —–Now you may speak

      :)

      1. Teatime is Goodtime*

        Ahhh I need my cup of tea or I am a bear in the morning. I was once a greek yogurt with honey person, but now I am a greek yogurt with maple syrup person…And the only way I like blueberries is in muffins or maybe pancakes, that only once or twice a year. :) Blueberries are funny.

    12. Run mad; don't faint*

      Recently, I’ve had plain greek yogurt topped with fruit. Yesterday I had chopped avocado and cucumber, topped with feta and a little balsamic vinaigrette. Not the most traditional breakfast, but it was very filling and tasted so good!

      1. Teatime is Goodtime*

        I was not a fan of most breakfast foods for a long time, so I basically only ate non-traditional breakfasts…. Breaking your fast is breaking your fast, I don’t judge! :D

    13. Kt*

      Since you mention buckwheat, I found a Cream of Buckwheat by a company called Pocono — it’s gluten free and organic, if one cares about such things, and tastes pretty good for breakfast. I have also had Bob’s Red Mill buckwheat hot cereal and it’s usually pretty good but sometimes tastes a little, I don’t know, that thing that buckwheat does sometimes… can’t describe it. Anyhow, happy with the Pocono cereal.

      I’ve also been making wild sourdough bread with buckwheat flour, sorghum, oat, and some starches thrown in. To me the buckwheat is crucial to making it taste dark and good like I want my sourdough to taste.

      1. Teatime is Goodtime*

        Woah that sounds like great sourdough! I’m just starting in on sourdough, so I’m still flailing about with more traditional recipes. But there’s a neat goal to work towards, thank you! What other starches do you use? Any resources you can recommend?

    14. Ann Non*

      Wait, this is how you cook couscous? I thought the beauty of couscous is that you pour boiling water on it, wait for two minutes and it’s good to go!
      Having to wait 30 minutes for breakfast seems very long… I like to eat bread with cheese for breakfast. Yum.

      1. Teatime is Goodtime*

        There are different kinds of couscous, so maybe it depends on which one? There is the one with little tiny tiny specks, but there is also pearl couscous, which is bigger. I mean, not huge, but bigger. It has been a while, so maybe I’m also misremembering the time amounts for couscous. What I meant was cooking then letting it stand. That part is important otherwise the texture suffers.

    15. WoodswomanWrites*

      I never tire of my usual breakfast. I have three soft-boiled eggs with a little salt. I also have a bowl of quick oats with a sliced banana and powdered stevia leaf as the sweetener. I pour boiling water over the oats, banana, and stevia in a ceramic bowl that holds heat, cover the bowl, and the oatmeal is ready to eat in 10 minutes. I love the combination of protein, oats, and fruit.

    16. Public Sector Manager*

      I’m a life long sugary cereal fiend, followed up some sort of snack 2 hours later. I started consulting with a nutritionist and realized I wasn’t even getting close to enough protein every day. So I switched my breakfast to 6 ounces of the Costco egg whites, an ounce of cheese, and a ounce or less of meat, usually something like salami or turkey. It gets me around 300 calories and 30-35 grams of protein, which keeps me going after my morning workout and all the way to lunch with zero desire to have a snack.

      I’m not doing keto, but making sure I get enough protein every day has really curbed my appetite and I’m eating way less. Best part is that I’ve never felt better!

      1. Ethyl*

        I was so shocked when I started counting my macros and found out how much protein I wasn’t getting! Now I know why my weightlifting plateaued! I might steal your breakfast :-)

    18. c-*

      I usually have a mug of tea, and a couple hours later a yogurt, a fruit, and a piece of toasted bread with olive oil, smushed fresh tomato, and maybe a slice of ham or turkey on top (look up pan tumaca if you’re curious). Very delicious :)

    19. Enid*

      Broiled cheesy bagel. I toast the bagel, cover each slice with cheese (usually cheddar and/or parmesan), then put it under the broiler for a few minutes until the cheese is nice and bubbly and chewy. If I have the time and supplies, I pair this with fresh fruit for fiber. I also want to try adding fresh herbs under the cheese…

      PB&J oatmeal. Oatmeal plus 2 tbsp low sugar peanut butter and 1-2 tsp low sugar strawberry preserves. The peanut butter melts in and the flavor is subtle, but the texture is nice and creamy.

      I’ve been trying to up protein while reducing added sugar. Getting some good ideas from this thread, thank you!

  6. Laura H.*

    Little Joys Thread.

    What brought you joy this week?

    The weather was nice this week!

    Please share your joys.

    1. Might be Spam*

      My daughter got her second Covid shot on Monday and my son and I got ours on Tuesday. The timing was purely coincidental. It was nice to support each other and track our symptoms while we recovered from the side effects. Our standards for entertainment have really been dropping lately. Lol

    2. AGD*

      I got the nicest compliment from a colleague, and that bit of kindness has stayed with me for days.

    3. Bucky Barnes*

      The ending of The Falcon and the Winter Soldier. I won’t spoil in case someone hasn’t watched yet, but it was so perfect and satisfying. And that new suit!

    4. AnonEmployee*

      I participated in an Earth Day event last week which was so much fun after months of being cooped up inside. Even though it was about 47 degrees out, there was a good deal of shoveling, planting, and other physical activities to keep me warm. It was a good group of people, everyone was in a good mood and laughing all day. I was quite sore after the fact, but look forward to being more involved in these types of events in the future.

    5. Anon5775*

      I had the most perfect pear the other day, sweet and perfect texture. And the Oscars are airing tomorrow and it’s starting to look like spring where I am.

    6. Falling Diphthong*

      I got my second covid shot and determined my surgery next month is still on. (Got postponed for covid numbers.) 2020 might end!

    8. Llama face!*

      My sister sent a hilarious picture of the expression my month and a half old niece makes when she wants to be fed. It made me laugh out loud for a good 5 min.

      Also, NACI issued the recommendation yesterday that the restriction for the AZ vaccine be lowered further so it’s available to people in their 30s. Recently it had been lowered to 40 but I’m just a few years shy of that cutoff. This means I may have the opportunity to get vaccinated sooner than I expected if my province decides to follow their guidelines. :D

    10. Filosofickle*

      In my Buy Nothing group, I posted some empty booze bottles that were interesting/useful enough to reuse instead of recycle. They all got taken! But even better, a neighbor I don’t know aligns with my taste in alcohol and wants to get together for some sake on the porch. Sort of unusual but hey why not?

      Post-pandemic I need to rekindle some old relationships, but I think there will be a wave of people wanting to make new ones. Vaccinated and ready to mingle!

    11. violet04*

      I went to a park that was fairly empty and took a walk. Then I decided to use the swings. I’m 43 and it’s been years since I’ve done that. It was fun!

    13. StellaBella*

      Three little joys: 1st pfizer/bioNtech shot, sleeping well, and a super long walk today and last saturday. :)

    14. Teatime is Goodtime*

      I have a fuzzy purring cat on my lap. Also, my child keeps learning new words and it is so cute!

    15. Run mad; don't faint*

      The irises and daylillies are blooming; there have been lots of hummingbirds in my garden, and my oldest child is helping me cook nightly!

    16. Rara Avis*

      We rearranged some furniture and the cats have decided that sharing the comfy chair with a human is their new favorite activity.

      1. OyHiOh*

        I’ve been learning pastels (oils and chalks both) this winter. It is delightful (and frustrating; some of the artists in my plein air group are trained, studied professionals and I . . . . am not). Sandpaper turns out to be a magical surface for chalks!

    18. Laura Petrie*

      I went for my first ever outdoor swim in a local reservoir this morning. I’ve wanted to try outdoor swimming for ages and found a local group through my organic veg box delivery. The water was cold but I absolutely loved the swim. It is quite a long, steep walk to get there too so I feel like I’ve had a good workout this morning.

      I also made some enquiries about volunteering my local area and found a great activity group for lonely older people that also runs activities for people in the early stages of dementia. I’m meeting them next week but it sounds like a great fit for my skills.

      I bought some awesome dinosaur print dungarees and I can’t wait to wear them!

    19. Muddlethru*

      I’m 8 months pregnant after 6 years of struggle… and I can feel him hiccup every day. It’s so cute. I can’t wait to meet him.

      2. allathian*

        Congratulations! That brings me back 12 years, when I was about 8 months pregnant and could feel my son’s hiccups… Thanks for the memory and the smile.

    20. Jackalope*

      As of yesterday it’s been 2 weeks since our second shot and so my spouse & I are fully vaccinated! Also, we bought a house recently, and I am fulfilling a lifelong dream of having a bedroom with walls painted my favorite color. I spent Friday & Saturday painting and got a little over half the room done (it’s a funny-shaped room and so has 12 walls [some of them tiny]). It was a lot of work, and I’m going to have to wait for a different time to finish the rest, but it’s still fun to look at the walls that are already painted and enjoy them!

    21. Windchime*

      This is my first spring in this house, and I discovered that I have a beautiful lilac bush on the side of my house. I was overjoyed when I found it.

    22. Voluptuousfire*

      Got my second Covid shot, had gorgeous weather, got to wear my new Dansko clogs. Also went grocery shopping at Trader Joe’s for the first time since March 2020. Got all my favorite stuff and a potted hyacinth for my front porch.

    23. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Another little joy… over on twitter I answered the conversation by mentioning books by authors who I love… and on a lark I tagged them. Two of them responded in agreement — and one carried the conversation farther. I got a silly big grin.

    24. Monkey in the middle*

      My kids being super excited to see me after I got home from work. They both wanted to talk to me. Made my heart happy.

  7. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Writing thread! How’s everyone’s writing going? As usual, this is not limited to fiction writing.
    Still no recreational writing for me, except for the odd thing that pops into my head which I write down in a little notebook. I’ve finally trained myself into realising that no, I won’t remember that great line later.

    1. Goddess47*

      I write fiction short stories and I find that writing begets writing. I follow a weekly prompt group and making myself participate in that every week helps me keep writing more. I have to have at least 300 words done every Friday night and sometimes I’m still up at midnight on Friday finishing a piece that’s barely 300 words and some weeks I have 2500 words by Thursday… but it helps to keep me going.

      And I also never remember that great line! ;-)

    2. Teatime is Goodtime*

      Book edit finally done! …and now I need to actually make the changes for the last few chapters…

    3. Elizabeth West*

      I learned the hard way to write that idea down, lol. In fact, I’ve literally gotten up in the night to do that because there is no way in hell I’d remember it in the morning. But my best ones always seem to come to me in the shower!

  8. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Gaming thread! What’s everyone been playing this week? As usual, this is not limited to video games, so feel free to talk about any kind of game you want, including phone games and board games. Also feel free to ask for recommendations or help identifying a vaguely remembered game.
    I’m still on Euclidea, a geometry-based puzzle game. Some of these genuinely stump me.

    1. No Name Yet*

      I’ve never heard of Euclidea before, but that sounds intriguing! Need to go check it out….

    2. Kitchen Kevin*

      Im back into Kitchen Scramble lol. I never spend any money to buy stuff and its a good way to pass the time.

    3. A Girl Named Fred*

      I’m still playing FFXIV! After playing for a year, I’m finally almost caught up to the main story point and I’m thrilled I’ll get to experience new stuff in real time with my partner and friends.

      I also picked up a phone game called Animal Restaurant, does anyone play that?? I normally dislike phone games but this one’s art is adorable and it’s just the right balance of idle/active, plus it’s had a great pace of opening new and slightly different mechanics!

    4. Sapphire (they)*

      Earlier this year, I finished Life Is Strange and really loved it, so I think the prequel and sequel are on my list next. If anyone has other adventure game recs, I’d love to hear them! I also might be getting into JRPGs soon ish, now that I have a console to play on.

      1. Unfettered scientist*

        Prequel is excellent, sequel not so much IMO. I’d also recommend What Remains of Edith Finch and Night in the Woods. NITW esp is great.

    5. Nicki Name*

      I didn’t make much progress on FE3H during the week, but I’m back at the Crimson Flower route today.

      I’m fascinated lately by how the students can develop differently based on when you get to start training them and the vagaries of their level-up rolls. For instance, Ashe was definitely second-tier in all my previous playthroughs, but he’s an absolute powerhouse in this one.

    6. AceLibrarian*

      My DND group is heading into part two of a big battle tonight. We were literally between a beholder and a demon lord that just manifested when we stopped for the night last week. I’ve been freaking out! I’ve already used most of my high level spells in the fight before the demon showed up.

      Also I’ve gotten really into bubble pop games on my phone. Does anyone have a favorite app for that? The one I’ve been playing has a LOT of pay-to-play options and it’s driving me a little crazy.

      1. Squeebird*

        Oo, good luck! Get the beholder and demon lord to fight each other and leave you alone, perhaps?

        I have been running our D&D group through Tomb of Horrors for the last few weeks. Unfortunately, they are all very smart, cautious, and well-equipped (as well as being level 17), so it isn’t proving as difficult for them as I’d hoped – though they do seem to be enjoying it. One person did walk through the “you are deposited back at the dungeon entrance, entirely nude, and the lich gets all your equipment” magic archway though, so perhaps that will introduce some challenge for our next session…

        1. AceLibrarian*

          Thanks! Unfortunately the demon is the lord of aberrations like beholders, so I think they’re in cahoots.

          That sounds awesome! I’ve always wanted to run Tomb of Horrors, but the sheer death rate it can create is a little intimidating.

          1. Squeebird*

            Yeah, it is definitely an adventure where you want to check in with your players ahead of time re: the risks. We are just wrapping up a years-long campaign and we decided together that we all wanted to do it as a non-canonical “last hurrah” for these characters.

      2. PersephoneUnderground*

        My group continues to be totally in over our heads in Greywall (Eberron setting, country of Droaam which is mostly populated and ruled by monstrous races). We did have a great talk with a very nice were-snake doctor about where we could find poison ingredients though.

      3. Jackalope*

        My D&D group started a second, concurrent campaign recently. The main DM has been having scheduling issues, so someone else stepped up to run a different campaign for the weeks he can’t run (and once a month on the regular to give him a chance to have a break). We’ve started the 2nd campaign and have been having fun with it; we all tried to pick characters that are very different from our characters in the other campaign. The next game will be the original cast, but it’s been fun to step out of that for a little while.

    7. Dan*

      Oculus (VR stuff) is killing me. The Oculus Rift 2 is a standalone headset that can be tethered to the PC to play games that are more intense than what the standalone headset can handle.

      Last week they announced that they were enabling a wireless mode so we don’t need the cable run to the PC. This is a really big deal for the people who care.

      Except… the software that enables this is *slowly* rolling out, and Oculus won’t say when individual users will get the update. So we have to wait. And then… the initial updates won’t actually have that specific feature enabled right away, so we have to wait again. I’ve been checking my OS updates everyday for a week, and nada.

      These guys are killing me. I wish they would have announced this with a generic time frame (like “Q2”) or just waited until it rolled out to say “surprise!”.

      Instead they’re just being annoying.

    8. DarthVelma*

      Still immersed in Valheim. The partner and I fought boss 4 of 5 yesterday afternoon and got supremely lucky. We were all kitted out – the best armor we can have at this stage, best weapons, appropriate supplies for dealing with this particular boss – giant angry momma dragon.

      We get to the appropriate spot on the map and while we didn’t know it at the time, we lucked out. Every player’s world randomly generates, so while you can watch other folks do the fight, it won’t always be in the same place. For us, it was in a very very small clearing on the side of a mountain. Lots of trees and rocks for us to hide behind when the dragon could get airborne. And when it was on the ground, it was penned in and couldn’t really maneuver to get either of us cornered. It wasn’t an “easy” fight, but it could have been so much harder.

      But it’s a win and I’ll take it! :-)

      Probably going to be trying out No Man’s Sky soon as a potential replacement once we’ve beaten boss 5 in Valheim. The recent expansions look amazing. Every time they update that game it just gets prettier.

    9. Ms. K*

      I’m really excited, because I just received the guest project I’ve ever backed on kickstarter. It’s called Bristol 1350, and the goal is to be on the first cart out of town before you catch the Black Death. It’s light strategy and light social deduction (if someone else had plague on your cart when it leaves Bristol the entire cart loses). It made everyone at my family have night from those of us who love complicated involved board games to my mom who usually sticks to things like Phase 10.

  9. Effie*

    Update from last week – I managed to snag my sold out, discontinued dream dress from a secondhand site! Really enjoyed hearing everyone’s stories last week, thank you.

    I’ve lately become obsessed with collecting Hill House Home dresses, I get a huge adrenaline rush. Seeing them in my closet also makes me happy, and they’re super comfy. Has anyone else picked up random hobbies/new obsessions lately?

    1. Mary Lynne*

      My Pandemic hobby is fermenting all the things! I make kombucha, homemade yogurt, ricotta cheese, and then I use the whey from the yogurt to make sodas and fermented fruit and veggies. I found some leftover strawberry crisp in the freezer, it looked a little worse for wear but was still edible. I mixed it up with some whey and ginger bug and fermented it! It made an amazing yogurt and ice cream topping. My 20-year-old daughter really hates all the dripping and bubbling things in the kitchen, but luckily I don’t care.

    2. Dark Macadamia*

      I started getting really into embroidery last year, lost momentum for awhile, and now have two projects in the works plus some other vague ideas for later. Also learning more mending techniques to extend the life of my family’s clothing – I have a couple heavily patched pairs of “around the house” yoga pants and my daughter is quickly acquiring patches on the knees of all her leggings.

      1. pancakes*

        I just bookmarked a promising-looking site someone recommended for mending techniques, repairwhatyouwear dot com.

      2. Seeking Second Childhood*

        I have holes in a 2ndhand sweater I haven’t been able to replace (JCrew, lambswool, so soft I can sleep in it, I’m searching for it like a dream dress.) And so I’m reading up on darning & repairing techniques. I quite like the idea of visible repairs — kinsugi for sweaters?– so I knit a patch in a contrasting color into a hole at the cuff. Mauve on green makes me smile, but the yarn’s not quite the right weight.
        I’m also tempted to try my hand as the steeling to shorten the sleeves and salvage yarn for the repairs. But it’s scary to cut a favorite garment!

        1. Bibliovore*

          I have a sweater patch kit that is wool that you felt to fill in the hole. I will see if I can find the link and put in the comments.

            1. Emma2*

              I realise you shared this in response to Seeking Second Childhood, but this is exactly what I need, thank you. I have some woollen slippers that I love but the insole on one of them is wearing away (it is essentially a felted wool insole) and I have been trying to think about how to mend it. I looked at your link and it looks like the perfect approach. Am now browsing needle felting materials on Etsy.

            2. Seeking Second Childhood*

              I’ll look into it thanks. That might strengthen some parts that are thinning too.

        2. Dark Macadamia*

          Visible mending is so fun. I feel like worrying that I wouldn’t do a good job and the repair would be obvious really held me back from trying, but when you make it noticeable on purpose it’s a lot more enjoyable!

      3. Emma2*

        I have also been learning mending and really enjoying my visible mends. I have been practicing on things like pillowcases, bath towels and tea towels (ie thing that are fairly low stakes if I don’t love how the mend turns out). I then graduated to a particularly comfortable pair of pyjama pants. I knew the holes I was repairing were in the crotch/bum area, but did not try on the pants to consider the placement before doing the visible mending. I will say my mends look quite lovely on their own. Once I put the pants on, however, the colourful mends that emerge from the crotch and come part way up the front of the pants make for quite an interesting look. It could almost be an artistic statement, although I think I will aim for invisible mending in that area in future.

        1. Dark Macadamia*

          Yes, this happens to all my pants eventually lol. The ones I’ve done so far are black yoga pants, and I used the most worn out pair to make patches for the others so you can see an outline but that’s it. I’ve seen people do some really dramatic patches and it looks cool but not something I’d want to wear in public

    3. Chantel*

      I’ve been buying little fairy garden things; I just LOVE them! So far I have a tiny ladder, a tiny bridge, and a tiny broom. I also picked up a 4-inch-tall little fairy doorway that I affixed just above a floor baseboard in my livingroom, and it is absolutely adorable.

      I’m also spending a lot of money on cat toys and really soft baby blankets. My two girls are so spoiled. It’s like our home is a cat sanctuary – which is the whole idea!

    4. DarthVelma*

      I recently took up making infused spirits and liqueurs. I had the best apple martini of my life a couple nights ago made with homemade green apple vodka. My partner really enjoys homemade coffee liqueur in his espresso martinis. (Made some Irish cream for those as well.) And I have a truly frightening jalapeno tequila now – I may have let the jalapenos soak in the liquor for a day too long. I like hot stuff, but my partner thinks it tastes and smells like jet fuel. *snort*

      The best part is being able to experiment with small batches to get an idea if I’m going to like something or if it needs tweaking. I like knowing that quality liquor went into the final product. And I can make flavors that you’d never find pre-made.

  10. Might be Spam*

    What are your favorite podcasts to help you sleep?

    I start by listening to either Welcome to Nightvale or Wolf359 to get my mind off of my day and the state of the world.
    Then I queue up a bunch of Nothing Much Happens episodes, because her voice is so soothing and the stories are peaceful.

    Since I started listening to podcasts, I usually sleep straight through the night and stopped needing medication to make me sleep. I put my tablet under my pillow with the volume very low.

    1. mreasy*

      I listen to Sleep With Me, with earplugs in and my sleep headphones headband over that. Definitely the only way I can sleep through the night!

    2. FD*

      ARGonaughts Podcast–it’s a podcast about alternate reality games (ARGs). The hosts have really good chemistry together and each episode is a couple hours long.

      Also, White Vault is an absolutely amazing horror podcast but I would not go to sleep to it unless you want to have nightmares.

    3. nep*

      I generally have a brief YT video of Rupert Spira on my phone for drifting off to sleep. If I have any audio on for too long it wakes me back up at some point.

    4. Wordnerd*

      The Empty Bowl, a Meditative Podcast About Cereal. I rarely hear the end of an episode!

    6. CatCat*

      Not sure it’s exactly a podcast, but the Calm app’s “sleep stories” put me right out. Ones featuring narrations of trips on a train and one relaying the rules of cricket knock me out in under 10 minutes.

      1. Fold in the Cheese*

        Totally agree re: Calm app sleep stories! Anything narrated by Alan Sklar puts me right out. He could read the back of a cereal box and I would be out like a light.

    8. Mr. Cajun2core*

      Religious podcast. Usually the Q&A radio call in show type. If not, then a financial radio call in show type. Find something you are interested in, find a call in show about it.

      1. another scientist*

        I have one that I find interesting (Gardener’s question time), but also one where I am not actually interested in the topic (Internet of Things). The latter has a host with a nice voice, and helps when I’m trying to fall asleep in an unfamiliar location and need it to not be silent.

    9. twocents*

      Not a podcast, but I listen to the Sleepcasts in the Headspace app. Rainday Antiques is my favorite one.

    10. Ethyl*

      Any of the “clearing the docket” episodes of Judge John Hodgman work great for me. John and Jesse have very nice voices, they seem to genuinely like each other, the humor is gentle and stays PG rated, and the questions are all extremely, extremely low stakes. Bonus nice voiceness — there’s an old episode where Nick Offerman joins them!

    11. BetsCounts*

      I really like In our Time with Melvin Bragg. It’s several English people sitting around talking about something from history or science or literature. It’s strangely calming.

  11. Just Lurking*

    I hope this isn’t too work-related. My actual question isn’t about the work piece, so I’ll try to articulate this clearly.

    Anyone here who’s gone back to college for a second degree after a long layoff? If so, how significant were the lifestyle changes? Particularly financial.

    I graduated with my BSc about seven years ago, and am considering going back for a Master’s. One of the things that worries me is my ability to maintain my lifestyle financially. I’m single and live alone in a higher COL area, have a cat, and also send my mom a bit of money each month. I make more more than anyone in my family ever has…but for my region my income *barely* puts me in the middle class.

    I’m in my early 30’s and not getting younger, so now seems like as good a time as any to go back. That said, I’m not sure I could afford my bills and helping my mom if I worked less…also not sure I could complete the program if I worked full time to support myself. I’m only just now paying off undergrad loans, so the thought of borrowing more again is distressing.

    At this age basically everyone I know is married/has kids, and I don’t really have close friends so a roommate situation seems unlikely. Now that I loans and credit card debt are out from under me, I feel like I need to start prepping for my future more. Saving for retirement and investing. In a lot of ways school is like a step backward, though in the long run it may reap financial benefits. In the meantime though I feel stuck, which is why I haven’t gone back to school yet.

    Anyone else navigate something similar? What factors did you consider when making your decision?

    1. Fran*

      I can only offer my experience studying while working full time in my early 30s. In most cases you will be more organised and motivated than younger students as you will know when you have time to study, you will want to maintain time to unwind and of course complete do your job .

    2. Laura Petrie*

      I recently returned to education after a 14 year career in the university sector. I’d worked my way up to manager level and had a role with lots of responsibility and a good salary.

      I hated my job and it was making me miserable. When the opportunity for redundancy came up, I grabbed it. I’m in the UK so student loans are different. I also had a decent redundancy payout but it has to keep me going for 3 years.

      Some things I did to help with living costs whilst studying:

      Saved what I could whilst I was still working
      Cut out some non-essential spending
      Bought some key books I’d need when I still had an income. Ditto any other expensive items like a new coat and a laptop
      Shopped around for deals on utilities and other bills

      I had a couple of months of both working and studying full time. It was hard, I really wouldn’t recommend it.

      Are there any part time or distance learning options for the subject you want to study? Can you reduce or stop the payments to your mum? Before I met my OH, I lived in a houseshare with a group of strangers. Is this an option where you are? Could you move to a cheaper area or city for university?

      Forget about what you ‘should’ be doing, what do you actually want to do?

    3. Asenath*

      I went back part time twice. I don’t think I would have considered full time, and the second attempt (which unlike the first did result in a degree) I was really short of money. It was worth it to me even though it wasn’t as useful in a job search as I had expected. I have always liked taking courses, both academic and non-academic, anything from a semester-long demanding course to a one evening hobby-type course (like drawing) and still do take them as a kind of hobby. And getting through an entire academic program gave me a real morale boost at a time when I really needed it. I did spend time tracking every penny I spent and working out budgets – rather informal ones – which I didn’t like, but which in the long run benefited me because I learned I could live on very little and it gave me a feeling of control over my finances which I still work at and which helps me a lot better than panicking over the money running out. So – I found the process beneficial from a personal and not necessarily work perspective.

    4. saltedchocolatechip*

      I was able to pick a program where I was a good candidate and get funding that kept costs down, while working part-time at internship-type jobs that paid OK but not amazing. I still had loans but with the pay increase they are definitely manageable,

      Another option is to try to get a job at university you want to attend that has tuition remission. It might take longer to get through (but some programs are fine with you taking fewer courses) but you wouldn’t take on the debt as long as the salary covered your regular living expenses. I think tuition remission is taxed as income usually though so watch out for that.

      Good luck!! I have definitely felt stuck (feeling it now for different reasons) and while grad school wasn’t perfect I definitely learned some interesting things, had some very cool experiences, and came out with solid new friends and mentors.

      1. saltedchocolatechip*

        Also just to add — being a late-twenties person with career experience/interests from my classmates was definitely a pro in terms of getting funding.

        I was living alone (unicorn of an apartment rent-wise) on a salary under 50k in an expensive city pre grad school so my lifestyle didn’t change much, but as another commenter said below, because I was working part-time while going to school full-time and I was pretty disciplined with my schoolwork, I definitely was able to carve out me time to read, watch tv, relax in a way that some of my classmates who were working more OR straight out of undergrad and hanging with friends in that way might not have.

      2. saf*

        Working for the university with tuition remission is how I got my MA. It was a good deal. As for tuition remission being taxable – that changed several times while I was in school. So check on that periodically.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      I decided not to get a masters. The ROI wasn’t there for my area and I am not interested in moving just for the sake of a job. My number one thought is to make sure you know where you and your master’s are going in life. If you don’t see a destination, go with caution.

      1. DJ Abbott*

        Yes, do research for your area or an area you want to move to. Would the master’s help you get a better job? Be as sure as possible before you change your whole life and go into debt. Many people get master’s and still aren’t able to get a better job. MBAs are so common there aren’t enough jobs for all of them.

        Also, are there other ways for you to advance? Could you work your way up? Take courses sponsored or recommended by your employer? Change your career path a little to make it possible to advance without going back to school?

    6. Law student*

      I’m doing this now, I quit a good career to go to law school in my early 30s. It is definitely a lifestyle change. I am living with a roommate for the first time in nearly a decade and she’s great, but that was definitely an adjustment. And I don’t really feel like I fit in anywhere anymore—my non-law school peers are all getting married and promoted and having babies, while I’m looking for entry level positions, and then my classmates are all in their 20s and (pre-pandemic) partying and dating around. It’s fine, it’s temporary and will be over soon and I’m sure my investment will pay off, but it is absolutely a lifestyle change and kind of a lonely one.

      On the flip side, I also feel like being in school has given me much more time to focus on myself. My time is my own in a way it wasn’t when I was working and I do take my school work more seriously than many of my classmates, which now translates to more free time to read, do yoga, etc.

      Hope this helps!

    7. Texan In Exile*

      I went to grad school for my MBA five years after I graduated from college. The best advice I got (from a friend who went to med school after a few years at Arthur Andersen) was to treat school like a job. I wasn’t there to party, to drink, to make friends. I was there to work.

      I got up in the morning, I went to class, I came home, I did my homework, I did the reading for the next day, I worked out, I had supper, I read, I went to bed.

      I was lucky to have saved enough money to finance school – but the reality is that I could finance it because at the time, the University of Texas charged $12 a semester hour for its graduate business program. :(

      Even so, I lived super cheaply – I found a very inexpensive one-bedroom duplex, I ate a lot of rice and beans and never went out to eat, I took the free bus to school instead of driving and paying for parking. But again – the big part – the tuition – was almost nothing.

      So I don’t think I can really give you any financial advice, but if you do go, treat it like a job. My grades in grad school were so much better than in college – 4.0 vs 3.0.

      1. Glomzarization, Esq.*

        treat school like a job

        Yeah, when I was in law school, I did the math on the costs and figured out how many dollars I was spending on each hour of classroom time. Definitely got me to take it more seriously than most of the youngsters around me.

        1. PT*

          When I was in undergrad (I graduated in ’07) everyone on campus knew the cost of an hour of class time off the top of their head. It was $75-ish when we started and $85-ish when we graduated.

          Students would lecture the professors if the professor was goofing around too much (movies instead of lecture, canceling class instead of getting someone to cover classes when they were absent if it was more frequently than a real emergency.) “Excuse me we’re paying $79 an hour for this.”

    8. Glomzarization, Esq.*

      I went to law school in my 30s, because after my divorce I was tired of kicking around in administrative assistant jobs. I figured, well, in 3 years I can still be a legal secretary, or I can be a lawyer.

      I got a small scholarship and took out some loans. To keep my spending under control, I would think “this sandwich at the food truck is $5 now, but if I use loan money to pay for it, it will actually cost me $8.” In the end I graduated into a recession, so getting work was very difficult. That’s the downside. The upside is that, well, in the end I was a lawyer. My loans are paid off, and I very much enjoy my work. In law school I made some great friends who are now excellent colleagues as well.

      I’d caution, though, that you shouldn’t pick a program or degree just because you think you’ll make money. Choose something you definitely want to be doing (that will make you money).

    9. ten four*

      I went back to grad school in one of the highest COL cities in the US because I was making 25k a year in the service industry and I wanted to transition to working with Fortune 500 companies. I actually dropped out after the first semester because I got a job consulting with Fortune 500 companies, and I never went back. My peers in that program graduated into the teeth of the 2007 crash, and almost none of them improved their job situation and also had the debt on top of it.

      Long way of saying: for me it worked out BUT I also saw first hand what a roll of the dice it is to pay out of pocket for an advanced degree. A good rule of thumb for grad school is that if you’re good enough/connected enough to succeed with the advanced degree you’ll know because you’ll get it funded (doesn’t apply to MBA, med school and law).

      I think you’re really smart to think forward to your financial future, and I’d be VERY leary of taking on new debt + the opportunity costs of school instead of working. Does your field require an advanced degree to progress? Might there be another field with better pay that you could apply your skills in?

      I got swept up in the crash a few years after my MBA classmates when my consultancy fell apart and laid off my office. I wound up transitioning to digital: a field that is both growing and well paid. I don’t code either – I started in project management and moved up. No degree required, and I’m currently making a lot more than I ever dreamed I could – plus I really like it! I don’t want to imply that it’s easy to switch fields – it took a few years and some false starts – BUT I got paid pretty well the whole time.

      Overall in my own career I have found that the key to getting ahead is to look for a field that pays well that I’d be good enough at, then taking jobs that let me build up my resume and accomplishments. I’d really strongly consider trying that route instead of getting an advanced degree!

      1. Squeakrad*

        The short version: I went back to graduate school at 50 during the recession of 2008 and I lost my job and couldn’t find another, almost literally, literally to save my life. But I did the opposite of what some folks have done – I went for an MFA in play writing which is pretty much the most useless degree you can imagine in terms of ensuring your future financial success. But I figured I may as well do what I want while I have the energy. Shortly after I entered graduate school my husband also lost his job which made for a lien few years. I still have student loans that I’m paying but is it is our only debt. We paid off credit cards to prepare for all this.

        The twist is, in California, if you take several courses in addition to an MFA, you are then then certified to teach post secondary writing at any community college or four-year university in California. So for the past eight years I’ve been a lecturer at two universities, making a decent living but not much more than that. However,, since I work for the state, once I retire they will pay for my medical (Medicare supplement) and offer me extremely reduced fees for dental and vision for myself and my husband. And thanks to a strong union I am pretty much guaranteed enough classes to live on until I do retire.

        About the same time I graduated from my program, my husband was able to find a job with the city so he is in a similar situation to myself. He will retire sometime this year and the city will offer a small but workable pension.

        So we’re not rich – we don’t own a home and never will in the bay area. But we were both able to keep our jobs during this pandemic and have worked from home pretty successfully since March 16 of last year. When I think about the kind of work I had been doing prior to my program, I certainly would’ve been laid off by now with not many prospects for work.

        It was an is a struggle but I’m really glad I did it. I’ve had some opportunities to have my work produced as a playwright I have met many more fascinating people than I probably would have working in small offices.

    10. Ancient Llama*

      Scholarships, scholarships,scholarships. There is $ out there. Get first one and note that in applications to others, they are more likely to give, not less, because a) someone else liked you so makes the new one more likely to take a chance b) if you get enough between them you are more likely to finish, which is the scholarships funder’s goal. Keep looking, it will take a lot of hay to find enough neddles, but they are there. Some are one time, others will renew yearly if you meet criteria.
      Scholarships, scholarships, scholarships.

      1. Squeakrad*

        I second the idea about scholarships – I applied for every scholarship I was possibly eligible for and while I still had to take out some loans for living expenses, much of my tuition was paid through the scholarships.

    11. Lizzo*

      You are right to give serious consideration to the financial impact of quitting a job and/or going back to school using loans. I would STRONGLY encourage you to figure out a way to get school paid for while also maintaining your income. This might include scholarships, but it could also include working for the university where you’re studying in a full-time staff capacity, or seeking out an employer who offers tuition reimbursement. Trying to work full-time and do school in any capacity is going to be hellish, but it’s a short-term hell.

      Continuing to save for retirement and put money aside for a rainy day means you’ll have some flexibility in the future if you find yourself in an untenable situation, e.g. need to quit a toxic job, need to take unpaid leave, need $$ in order to extract yourself from a bad relationship, etc. I know that sounds super boring and practical, but I cannot overstate how valuable financial stability is, having seen various scenarios play out for myself and my friends in their 30s and 40s.

  12. aarti*

    How do you go about forgiving a relative who gave you COVID?

    I got it from my brother-in-law who had to stay with us for a few days for work and was not taking safety precautions seriously. I was super sick for a week (I’m also pregnant) and now have to spend another week isolating in my bedroom so I don’t infect my husband or mother-in-law who also live with us. It’s super frustrating because my in-laws (including my MIL) have a very “oh these things happen” attitude. My husband was more upset but he’s also not a fan of starting a lot of arguments about it. We’ve already agreed that we’re not hosting anymore family members.

    My brother-in-law messaged me once to ask how I was doing (I did not respond) but otherwise hasn’t apologised or reached out to me at all. I know it could have been a lot worse (I’m fine, the baby is fine). But more than a year in, I’m done with people not taking it seriously.

    I don’t know what to do. I’m so angry and I feel like being isolated in my bedroom is making me more angry and upset because these thoughts are just rattling around in my head. Any suggestions on how to move forward?

    1. Not A Manager*

      Why do you need to forgive him? He put you at risk, and he doesn’t seem to be seriously sorry or prepared to make any kind of amends.

      1. aarti*

        I don’t like being angry, it’s upsetting to me personally, so I’m looking for a way of moving past it, which I think will be better for me in the long run.

        1. fposte*

          I usually just close the mental discussion down with “It’s not helping anybody for me to keep thinking about this” and redirect my thoughts (or try). I don’t worry a lot about forgiveness, and for me it’s not always the appropriate way to move on. Would that maybe work for you?

        2. Loredena*

          Separate the forgiveness from the anger. He hasn’t asked, hasn’t done the work, doesn’t deserve forgiveness. But. That doesn’t mean you can’t let the anger go. Frame it as not being worth your energy at a time when you are presumably focused and excited about your baby. When you feel it building redirect yourself and pour the emotion into something you enjoy

        3. DJ Abbott*

          Do you have any good novels to read? Or maybe there’s good reading online, or downloadable?
          Reading a novel by one of my favorite authors always helps me. Takes my mind off my problems and I spend time with interesting characters in an interesting story. It’s a good break from reality.
          I recently reread Watership Down by Richard Adams and it is excellent. I also highly recommend anything by Elizabeth Peters. If possible I would start with the first in the Amelia Peabody series – Crocodile on the Sandbank. :)

        4. Esmeralda*

          You can work on managing your anger, but it may take a long time to get over it. You don’t have to forgive— doesn’t sound like he’s done anything to deserve it. Forgiveness can be overrated. It’s reasonable to aim for putting it behind you, finding a way to not dwell on it, without forgiving. Not seeing or communicating with him will help. I recommend therapy also.

    2. allathian*

      You don’t have to forgive them, but trying to move forward is a good idea.

      It’s unfortunate that you live with your MIL, because she’s unlikely to agree to cutting her son out of her life for your sake and I wouldn’t blame you if you decided that you never want to see your BIL again.

      I hope that as more people get vaccinated and the pandemic hopefully subsides, you’ll be able to live with the unfortunate situation better, especially given that you didn’t have any long-term consequences from it. Given that you’ll have a new baby in the family, I hope that will make other family members more inclined to follow your lead. They’ll have to toe the line or they won’t get to see the baby.

    3. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      Couple thoughts maybe a bit unpopular:
      1. It’s not anyone’s fault for getting sick in the middle of a pandemic – your BIL’s behavior could have been better and he could still have ending up getting you sick. So I’m not sure blame is a fair thing.
      2. You invited someone you knew was traveling, you knew was not WFH, and you (probably) knew wasn’t taking the same precautions into your home. Maybe you really have to forgive yourself? And your husband? It’s easier to be mad at an outsider than yourself or a spouse.

      2. ....*

        Yeah, exactly. I’m kind of surprised the suggestion above is to cut him out of your life forever!

        1. allathian*

          I wasn’t suggesting that, just said that I wouldn’t blame her if she wanted to do that.

      3. PT*

        And when they’re not vaccinated (assuming they’re in the US and the shot is available to them.)

      4. traffic_spiral*

        Yeah, it kinda seems that accepting someone else into your house (especially if you hadn’t pre-agreed on some strict safety rules) is kinda assumption of risk. Like if someone you played touch football or basketball with crashed into you and broke your nose or something. You might be a bit pissed at some carelessness, but it’s well within the spectrum of “stuff that could easily go wrong.”

        Is this a bigger issue about too much of your husband’s family getting in your space and your life? I noticed your MiL lives with you.

    4. Well...*

      I have trouble forgiving people, especially when it feels so UNFAIR. My therapist has helped me with the fixation part by giving me the following three steps:

      1) acknowledge that this feeling sucks. Find a phrase that resonates with you (mine is “this sucks”)
      2) connect to the fact that this feeling is human and shared by others. My thought is, “this injustice, however small, is the same feeling of injustice other people feel. Experiencing this helps me empathize with people who experience injustice on a scale I’ll be never know.”
      3) ask yourself what you can do to help yourself in this moment.

      Might be worth a try! I find it helps me feel less angry and let go, though I’m not saying it automatically leads to forgiving or even that forgiveness should be the goal. It just clears my head.

    5. WS*

      I don’t think it’s entirely the BIL’s fault in that you and your immediate family knew he was not taking precautions and still invited him to stay. Maybe your anger is more at MIL and husband and yourself and now being stuck in your bedroom? And how you feel about who comes first in your family – feelings which are exacerbated greatly by pregnancy for very good reasons – and how your husband and MIL will deal with this in the future. It’s a lot to deal with in one hit, especially while you’re already sick and pregnant.

      1. aarti*

        I think what’s hard, is that he hasn’t apologised or acknowledged that he did anything wrong. Although logically I realise it’s not really his fault, it’s frustrating because we agreed on certain safety precautions before he showed up (staying in a separate room, wearing a mask whenever he had to come into shared rooms). But after he showed up, he kept pushing the boundaries. Like he’d be sitting in our living room without a mask on and when I’d ask him why he wasn’t wearing a mask he’d say that he’s more than 6ft away from me. Which was not what we agreed upon in the first place!

        1. Lizzie*

          Dear Aarti, your anger is justified, your brother-in-law was staying in your home and you made the safety requirements clear to him and he then chose to ignore them because he did not want to follow them. He did not want to inconvenience himself, and he prioritised his own wish to not bother with a mask, over your health concerns as a pregnant woman and the possibility that his own mother could be at risk also.

          You were the host, and he was DISRESPECTFUL to you by being dismissive of your concerns. So be justifiably angry! You are now confined to a room by yourself, while YOU do the appropriate thing so that you do not infect your husband and his mother.

          Unless you stick your head out of the window and scream “I’m as mad as hell and I’m not going to take it any more!”, you don’t have a huge range of outlets for your anger at the moment. No long walks or thumping some bread dough or smashing a few dishes. But maybe you can draw a picture of your brother in law and then scribble over it until it is all blocked out. Or write a short story in which he is a cartoon character and ALL THE BAD THINGS happen to him, falling pianos and Mr Burns releasing the hounds on him, etc etc. Go for it.

          After you have let a bit of anger out, see if you can watch something you like on the interwebs that makes you laugh, and see if you can find some songs to sing along to as loudly as possible. Laughing and singing are both relaxing and soothing, and the baby will enjoy them too, especially if you can dance around a bit as well. Best wishes to you!

        2. tangerineRose*

          I’d be tempted to respond to his message by telling him exactly how sick I was (with details), how worried I was about the baby and your MIL and husband, how tough it is being stuck in 1 room while recovering. Then I’d want to ask him why he didn’t follow the safety precautions that he’d agreed on.

          However, depending on what he and his mom are like, this might be a serious rift-causer, so it might not be a good thing to do.

          It might be helpful to write it all down on paper or something and NOT send it.

          Also, I’m sorry you’re stuck in your room. Maybe we other AAM readers can suggest fun sites to go to if you tell us some of your interests.

        3. Artemesia*

          I’d probably have to tell him once, that he put your life and your baby’s life at risk by refusing to abide by the simple steps you agreed to (6 feet is irrelevant in a shared space like a home– he was filling the air with virus) and that you are furious about it. You think he was deeply selfish.

          Then work on letting it go for your own sake. Pregnant women are more vulnerable to death with COVID and he should never have been allowed in your home and the first time he sat in your living room without a mask your husband should have insisted he leave.

          But dwelling on it won’t do you any good. Sorry and glad it wasn’t worse. It could have been so much worse.

        5. Kt*

          I think this gets to the crux of things: sure, you got COVID (“it’s a thing that happens”) but you got it from someone who pushed your boundaries and did not respect your rules. This wasn’t a pure accident. You’d talked beforehand and he betrayed his end of the bargain. He made choices to put you at risk — for what? for his comfort? so he didn’t have to move his lazy butt another three feet? so he didn’t have to wear a mask because…? He just told you that his chin comfort is more important than your health or your baby’s health.

          That’s the problem.

        6. WS*

          Oh, no, that definitely is his fault then. If he’d followed your rules and you’d still got COVID, that’s one thing, but he was an absolute dick and you paid the price. But even so, it doesn’t really matter what he does, it matters that your husband and MIL learn from this and respect boundaries in the future, because right now you’re feeling (justifiably) very unsafe.

    6. I'd Rather Be Eating Dumplings*

      This all sounds pretty fresh. If I were you, I’d let yourself be angry and upset for a little while.

      If the thoughts are rattling around, try journaling or venting to a friend or a mindfulness exercise (maybe ‘leaves on a stream’), or an activity you enjoy (personally, I find gardening, cooking and dancing to be good mind-clearers).

      But I’d be patient with the uncomfortable feelings; they need to have their say.

      1. aarti*

        Yeah, part of the problem is that I am literally stuck in my bedroom! We live in an apartment, so I can’t do any cooking or even go into another part of the house. If I was just in my apartment, I’d feel better about it. But I’m literally shut off from everyone especially my husband during a really emotional fragile time.

        It’s hard, I know I’m being irrational.

        1. I'd Rather Be Eating Dumplings*

          You really don’t sound to me like you’re being irrational. You’re pregnant, it’s a pandemic, you’ve been ill, there’s a lot of confusion and angst around managing boundaries and responsbility during this time.

          I dislike being angry. But my own experience is that if I try to rush through it, it ends up hanging around longer or resurfacing later.

          Being stuck in a single room is hard; could your husband and MIL bring you some activities (puzzles with podcasts are soothing to me). Social activities will likely be helpful too, in terms of taking your mind off things: online board games or Netflix Watch Party with a friend could be useful.

        2. Texan In Exile*

          I don’t think you are being irrational at all.

          I think your anger and your frustration are completely rational and justified.

          I have no intentions of ever talking to my husband’s brother again and that’s just because he’s been a complete jerk to me a few times – he hasn’t even threatened my life or that of my baby.

          Your anger is OK. You are right, he was wrong.

        3. ..Kat..*

          I don’t think you should stay in your bedroom. Your MIL believes that these things just happen, so if she catches it, she catches it. Your husband does not want to make a big deal out of it, so don’t make a deal out of isolating yourself. And if either of of them get Covid, they can take care of each other (and leave you out of it).

          1. Kt*

            Yeah, I tend to agree. If MIL is worried she can stay in her own bedroom. It’s your apartment. Why are you showing these other people any consideration when they don’t show the same consideration to you?

        4. Outside*

          Is it possible for you to get outside? To literally be outside, preferable in a more nature-y space? If so I highly recommend that, going for a walk or just sitting outside, and if at all possible making sure you get some sunlight every day, even if only through the window. (Sunlight wouldn’t be possible in my apartment, but I would be able to walk outside to a nearby park, so try to find some version that works for you.) You can exist outside while wearing a mask. If you can’t get outside, at least try to get some fresh air inside. It seems unlikely but I’ve found it can actually make a big difference.

    7. Teatime is Goodtime*

      So I don’t want to dismiss or belittle your very legitimate feelings, but is there any chance your emotions are being effected by pregnancy hormones? Mine DEFINITELY were, to a greater or lesser degree, all throughout, which included getting emotionally hung up on stuff that I would normally have had an easier time letting go of. That might not help in the short term, but in the long term that piece of it would solve itself.

      That said, having a baby also made me thoroughly less patient with certain BS behaviors with particular family members in the long term. While I was able and willing to grin and bear it for myself and on my own time, I wasn’t willing to subject my child to it, nor did I have time to humor them anymore. So if any of the stuff you are describing above is part of a much larger pattern, that might come in to sharp focus, wherein this is just the jumping off point.

      1. Kt*

        When I had a kid I got a good dose of mama bear hormones and I no longer have the f’s I used to have. It’s made me a better manager and I think it’s made me a better person, because I no longer feel the need to coddle people around their BS to the same extent, and it turns out that makes my world a better place to be.

    8. KeinName*

      I am sorry this happened to you! Not wearing a mask when you asked him to is really shitty and to me is very boundary violating. See, if he took the precautions you asked of him and he still got you sick I suppose you would have to forgive him since it IS a pandemic and these things have happened – but as it is I personally would write down my grievances and read them out to him or send him a letter. This pandemic should spark conversations around consent- who do I want close to me, do they respect my safety choices for my body.
      I think maybe his asking how you are might have been the prelude to an apology and maybe you might contact him yourself and express your anger?

      1. NewHampshire*

        You captured my thoughts EXACTLY. We are going through a lot of boundary issues with my husband’s families so this just felt like red flags all over the place.
        – Did you have a (real) say in whether or not your BIL stay with you? Would you have been “allowed” to say no?
        – Does your husband’s family have a lot of unwritten rules like this (ex. Are you expected to travel long distances, prioritize and attend certain family functions regardless of inconvenience or short notice)?
        – When you have legitimate concerns, are they ignored or steamrolled?
        – Who in the family seems to be above reproach, catered to by others, or otherwise the missing stair?
        – Does your husband often side with his family at your expense? Will he defend your new child in the event of a conflict?
        – What was your husband’s childhood like? Was he the scapegoat or the golden child? Are there similar patterns at play here?

        It took YEARS and a lot of therapy to map out a lot of the toxic patterns in my husbands family. The unspoken hierarchy and knowing your place. The heavily enforced “rules” with pressure both explicit and subtle. We got out by physical distance and financial independence. As soon as we got pregnant we realized we would never let them treat our son the way they treated my husband. The “jokes”, the casual unkindness, the endless expectations, the lack of any apology.

        If your husband doesn’t have your back here because the family expectations run too deep, it’s worth therapy before the baby is born to get on the same page about your future relationship with his family. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing either. You can have excellent boundaries (which they will fight) that eventually give you the kind of space and peace you desire. You have the grandbaby, that is much more power than you think.

        Wishing you much luck and patience ahead along with a healthy and comfortable (well as much as possible!) rest of your pregnancy.

      2. Legalchef*

        I definitely wouldn’t write down a list of grievances to read to him or send to him. I don’t see what that would accomplish other than to prolong conflict, since it’s unlikely to induce remorse. Certainly if journaling helps the OP then writing it down might just help her get it off her chest, but that’s as far as I would go.

          1. pancakes*

            Sorry, hang on, I see someone did! I don’t think it’s a terrible idea to tell him, “here’s why I’m so angry at you.”

            1. DJ Abbott*

              I agree, but it’s contingent on how he and MIL would respond. If there’s a chance he’ll hear what you’re saying and have more respect for you, go for it.

              If it’s more likely that he’ll get defensive, fight, get toxic, etc. then don’t. Then I would keep a distance from him and maybe get therapy as has been suggested.

    9. Legalchef*

      I guess my thinking is a little different than everyone else’s… I don’t think this is something worth being angry about. Yes, it is super frustrating, but we’ve all heard stories about or known people who were super careful but still got it anyone. Unfortunately, this is a sneaky little virus no matter what precautions you take. I would just be thankful you’re fine, thankful that he is (presumably?) fine, and decide to move on. Holding onto a grudge doesn’t help anyone, particularly now and particularly not with your baby’s uncle.

      1. pancakes*

        Considering the prevalence of long covid, it’s too soon to say anyone here is fine. Yes, very careful people get it too, but this guy deliberately ignored previously agreed-upon boundaries, knowing that he was a guest in the home of a pregnant woman. And he’s still there. I don’t think anyone is recommending holding a grudge for eternity, but this is all still very fresh, and there’s no indication whatsoever that this guy might or will be less self-regarding in the future.

        1. tangerineRose*

          Yeah, that’s what gets to me. If he’d followed the boundaries, and she still got sick (which could have happened), that have been one thing, but he ignored boundaries that he’d agreed to – what’s up with that? He could have accidentally killed someone.

      2. Dan*

        Speaking of opinions that are a little different than everyone else’s… I live by myself and very quickly decided that the best way to handle “covid behavior rules” is just assume that people will lie about compliance. And if that’s the case, what I would I do? Which basically means don’t let them in your bubble in the first place if you have a say in the matter.

      3. Kt*

        If he’s not willing to help prevent a pregnant mama from catching COVID by being a mildly decent houseguest, who is to say he’s going to be a good BIL in other ways? This dude has showed you who he is, and you should believe it.

        Sure, stop being angry, but this is not a guy you want to trust with anything important.

      4. Chantel*

        “…we’ve all heard stories about or known people who were super careful but still got it anyone.”

        But that isn’t what happened here. BIL was invited to stay as long as he took precautions, and then he snubbed wearing a mask.

        There has to be a consequence for that. No one should be able to get away with such disregard.

    10. Asenath*

      I can understand why you are so angry, but based on my own reactions to people who have wronged me in some way, I think yes, you need for your own peace of mind to forgive him and move on. It’s part of the process of getting him out of your head and not letting his actions affect you any more than they have already done. Some things I found helpful, were writing out my feelings – real rants, no holds barred – and then destroying the writings. Setting up some changes so that the incident won’t recur is good – sounds like you’re already doing this by not hosting relatives again. Many people recommend talking the situation over with others – I’ve found that of limited help since talking sometimes seems to reinforce my anger and hurt, and keep it in the forefront of my mind. Maybe discussing it a few times with someone trustworthy and outside the family might help, but for me, I need to stop myself from ruminating over what happened. I try to discipline my own thoughts – if I find myself thinking “what a nasty stupid jerk…” I tell myself “I’ve dealt with that; I need to do/think of someone else”. I planned on how I would speak and act it a polite cool manner when I had to meet the person. And time. It sometimes takes a lot of time for me to let things go. I’m no professional, just a stranger on the internet, but these are things that helped me.

      1. tangerineRose*

        I also like to think about the difference between forgive and forget. I will forgive, but I won’t forget. Once someone’s shown me who they are, that’s important information.

        1. allathian*

          Exactly. If you can forgive someone to make yourself feel better, because carrying a grudge takes a lot of mental energy, then do so. But that doesn’t mean you have to give them implicit permission to do the same thing again.

    11. Anona*

      I got covid from someone not taking precautions and it was SO frustrating. I’m still, 4 months later, occasionally frustrated by it.

      What’s helped me the most has been thinking about how, though it REALLY sucks that I caught covid because of them, at this point there’s nothing they or I can do to change it. At this point it is what it is.

      That’s helped me move on, even though it’s really not fair. It’s unfortunately something neither of us can change now.

      1. Reba*

        Sorry you went through that!

        I like that your attitude is more about acceptance than forgiveness. I think people can get really stuck on the forgiveness concept, because you know what the person did was not ok! I think acceptance of where you are at is great grounds for moving on.

        (Note I’m not saying one should “accept” behavior like the BIL’s! It isn’t ok, and you should do your best to avoid relying on him for anything important in future. Just that in this case, it has happened.)

        When I’ve been hurt by someone, it has helped me to think like “well, now I know that about him” or “that really confirms a feeling I had that I might not be able to trust her for X.”

        You have information now–especially about the family dynamics of not making a fuss!! –that can inform how you move forward.

        1. ten four*

          I think you two have the right idea! Acceptance feels like a better goal than forgiveness – especially because BIL hasn’t actually apologized or taken any responsibility.

          I’d definitely agree that aarti has a lot more information now about a lot of things, most importantly how her husband fits into various family dynamics and how he handles conflict.

          If you feel up to it you and your husband might choose to address this directly and kindly with BIL – calmly tell him that you’re upset that he chose to not follow the safety rules he agreed to and then…stop talking. Let him marinate. You don’t have to make this a CONFLICT – you can just say you’re upset and decline to get shouty.

    12. Blue Eagle*

      I would answer him and let him know the negative effects to you that were caused by him. Don’t give him a pass on this.
      Maybe ask him in your reply email – what does he propose to do to make this up to you?

      1. Asenath*

        This is one of the kinds of wrongs that can’t be made up – which is another reason it’s important to not expect anything from the brother-in-law before forgiving him and moving on. What kind of compensation would be acceptable? It’s too late for him to have not passed on the disease and there’s not much point in requiring him to change his behaviour since he’s already exposed his family to it. Any possible amends is too little, too late. I suppose an apology might help – but there are so many meaningless apologies proffered for wrongdoing that it’s hard to think that an apology means anything without some kind of action.

        1. Artemesia*

          Nothing can be done now BUT there is a future — a future where the family steamroles over the OP and her child — demands they drive hours to visit at Christmas, or that they open their home to them to stay when they are traveling yadda yadda. If I were the OP after expressing one time to BIL how angry she is that he ignored their safety precautions and put her baby’s life at risk, I would remember this when her ‘no’ is not being heard in the future.

          Say ‘no’ to visiting relatives who want to cram into a small space rather than get a motel. Say ‘no’ to dragging your kids to other people’s homes for Christmas. Say ‘no’ to things you want to say ‘no’ to in the future. Don’t let them push you around again as they did this time. Make it your ‘get out of jail free’ card.

    13. Purt’s Peas*

      Journaling, pretty much. The situation is ripe for rumination and journaling helps with that.

      While I think that not all feelings have a “point” it can sometimes be helpful to pretend they do. Like, what’s this anger trying to tell me? Why is my mind holding onto it? If you let the journaling lead you to something that feels like a conclusion that might be helpful. With smaller things, for me, the conclusion has been, “I can’t trust this person with X” or “I don’t really want to see them.”

      Also, I have asked for apologies before and received them. This kind of conversation is not an argument and it’s not laying out grievances. It’s the mirror of a good apology: you start by talking about what happened—you broke our house rules all the time when you were a guest in my home. Then how it affected you—COVID made me feel awful for a while, it put my child at risk, and I had to isolate from my husband. Then the action you’d like to see (being truthful!)—you know, I really just want an apology for breaking the house rules and then we’re good.

      Obviously conversations like the above never go perfectly. (Also do this in person or over video, seriously!) I’ve done it with coworkers and friends and it has always left me feeling a lot, a lot better.

      I’m glad you’re feeling better, and I hope you get through the rest of this ordeal ok.

      1. Blue Eagle*

        I like this answer but I’d want more than just an apology. Obviously he can’t undo what he did, but what can he do in the future to make-up for it – specific help related to the baby or something else?

        1. pancakes*

          I wouldn’t trust this guy with baby stuff. He’s just made a point of letting everyone in the household know he’s not trustworthy. He needs to demonstrate that he can be more sensible about safety, and that he’s capable of keeping up with agreements he’s made.

        2. fposte*

          That just seems like a recipe for another anger-provoking failure, though—he’s not even apologizing, let alone trying to make amends, on his own. I’d be inclined to focus that energy on my husband for a greater commitment to backing his partner up even when it means saying no to his FOO.

        3. Purt’s Peas*

          Thanks!

          Re more than an apology…First I do think it’d probably be a waste of energy—I think it’d be tough to come up with something to make up for this, let alone trust BIL to do it.

          But also, OP doesn’t mention already being at the end of her rope in the relationship, or that he’s a routine boundary stomper or whatever. And as awful as his actions were, there can genuinely be powerful healing in simply hearing an apology and an acknowledgment.

          If you think you won’t get that, or that it won’t be enough, or that the incident is part of a pattern of mistreatment and cruelty, or that the incident is so big it’s irreparable, of course that’s ok. And that may be the case here—the last thing I want to do is advise OP to simply forgive and forget!

          But for something where an apology might help, I find it profoundly healing, and helpful to my own state of mind—not to let go of the anger I’m feeling, but to offer the other person a chance to show a small amount of grace.

          That said I also absolutely would not let BIL visit for quite some time. Especially not around a newborn or baby.

    14. Not So NewReader*

      Ugh. I lost my post somehow.
      Trying again.

      Sometimes there is that one event that just changes relationships permanently because a person can see the other person in a whole new light. I had a family member do something very irresponsible while staying here. Because of the nature of the action I had to reconsider my relationship with this person. In my case there had been little things right along but I kept ignoring those things because I felt it was more important to be a family. This irresponsible action changed all that forever.

      We can’t let people into our homes who do not prioritize the safety of those people and pets in our homes.
      You were not asking him to agree with you that masks were necessary. You were asking him to put the mask on. These are two very different questions and for some people would get different responses… but not him. He was in YOUR home. My rule is do as asked OR leave- when I am in other people’s houses. (eh, I have never left yet!! Requests are usually modest and easy to accommodate.)

      The other part of the story here is that he did actually reach out to you and you did not answer- which is fine, that is your choice and it’s legit. However, if it were me I would have known you were really flippin’ angry with me and I probably would not reach out again. So there’s that. I think you can safely say that you have made your point.

      I think one way to process anger is to develop an action plan and vow to stick to your action plan.
      Now that you see the level of risk (first hand) involved when you invite someone into you home, you can choose to do less or zero invites.
      You can redefine what your relationship with BIL will look like in the future. Limited contact? Visits away from home? It can be whatever makes sense.
      I’d take that anger (excess energy) and channel it into plans that protect you and yours in new ways other than what you have been doing. This is actually a huge topic that goes out beyond Covid and goes out beyond just protecting human health. There are all kinds of ways we need to be watchful and take care of our interests.

      I had a family member stay here. It had never been a problem before. But this one time this person’s behavior went so out of control– it’s like something that makes news headlines. I almost called 911 but others persuaded me not to call. My house was trashed, there was lots of yelling but the straw that broke the camel’s back was they let my beloved dog out, loose, in an ice storm.

      I was done.
      I could not move beyond the fact that this person had such total disregard for a being in my house. I had busted my butt for this visit and this is my thanks, trashed house, yelling and lost dog.

      This single story forever changed me, changed my thinking and changed my relationship with this person. While a lost dog is not Covid, the combined impact of many other things left me pretty hopping upset, like you show here. My best thought here is to channel that anger into figuring out how you will handle things differently in the future.

      I got the dog back. He was fine. My person has never been invited here again. I’ve had many house guests and I have never had such a time as that visit.

      1. Chantel*

        >I got the dog back. He was fine.

        So thankful for that. Agree with your entire post, but that was the best part.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          After many months of thought and lots of tears I landed on: Watch how people treat the least of those around you, don’t expect to be treated better. I had just lost my previous dog because she got away from me and my person knew that, yet here we were. I knew I had to stop thinking of what *I want* and start thinking about my husband and my pets and work to keep all of them safe.

      2. Not Australian*

        Similar scenario, trusted a friend to look after my home while I was away, with one proviso: “Don’t let the cat out, no matter how much he begs.”

        No prizes for guessing what happened; we never saw the cat again.

    15. Generic Name*

      Well, getting a disease in the midst of a pandemic that is infecting millions worldwide isn’t a moral failing. Sure, there are precautions one can take, as recommended by the cdc, but even those aren’t 100% effective. I have friends who followed all the rules and still got infected. I mean, you could have not allowed him to stay with you while traveling, right? I’m not putting the blame on you at all, but it’s not like he got you sick on purpose. How is your relationship with him otherwise? Is it strained? I wonder if that is affecting your perception. Hang in there and I hope you feel better soon.

      1. Artemesia*

        he agreed to wear a mask in public areas of her house and then didn’t do so and made excuses. So yeah — it is his fault she got this. If he had conformed to the rules and she still got sick, she would be mad at herself for letting him stay but not mad at him necessarily.

        1. Kt*

          Yep, I’m with you. It’s like food allergies — you tell someone you’re allergic to peanuts and they agree to not bring any to the house and then you find them eating Reese’s in the living room and feeding bits to your toddler. This houseguest reneged on agreements made before the visit, which would change my attitude entirely.

      2. DJ Abbott*

        The issue isn’t the pandemic. It’s the disrespect. No matter what else is going on, OP needed BIL to do certain things to make her feel safe. He didn’t do them, and didn’t have a good reason or even apologize for not doing them.
        BIL didn’t respect OP’s need for precautions, and didn’t respect that if he brought covid it might hurt her or her baby.
        That’s the real issue. If it had been something else going on that he didn’t respect, the issue would be the same.
        I think OP should not let this guy in her house anymore, and definitely not around her baby. Or child, or future children, or pets. Whenever he’s around there should be a responsible adult supervising, until/unless he grows up and starts respecting people.

    16. Courageous cat*

      My question is, for everyone here saying “I got covid from ____”, how do you… know? Asymptomatic people can transmit COVID too, and there’s that 2 week incubation time, so there’s no real way to know where you picked it up necessarily, unless all of you never leave your house and none of your housemates do either. I don’t even know how I’d know that I weren’t the person who gave the virus to *them* in this case.”

      Anyway, I would focus less on specifically forgiveness and more on just letting it go in general. I find you don’t have to forgive to let something go.

      1. Chantel*

        But that isn’t the point. A condition of BIL staying at the OP’s house was that he would follow hers and her husband’s safety protocols – and he flouted part of those rules. As such, it’s entirely reasonable to suspect BIL as the cause.

        I’m not sure how it is that the BIL’s arrogance is lost in many of these comments.

    17. bunniferous*

      My pastor always says that before you forgive someone you need to tally up the totality of what that person did-in other words if they did 25 dollars worth of damage you don’t want to just give a ten cent forgiveness.

      I would write him an email detailing why you are upset with him-go into as much detail as you like. Then tell him you would like him to acknowledge his part in what happened, and that if he does so it will help you to get past it.

      Whether or not he responds the way you like he needs to hear exactly why you are angry. I am angry for you! But I don’t think you should put a bandaid on this. I think once you know HE knows why you are so angry it will be easier for you to forgive; I hope he mans up and admits his fault because it will make it easier. And -this is between you and him-this is not for anyone else in the family to have an opinion on. Your husband needs to stand behind you because it really is a big deal particularly since you are pregnant. If others want to try to get you to minimize-tell them the quickest way for you all to get back to family harmony is for brother in law to admit he screwed up.

    18. Mephyle*

      I could never understand how you could forgive, or “let go and move on” if the offender is unrepentant (or absent, like forgiving someone who is out of your life or no longer alive) until I heard this definition: It means accepting that time travel and time machines don’t exist. It happened, and there’s no way to rewind time and do it over again but this time do it differently to avoid the bad thing happening.

      1. allathian*

        Yeah, but there’s also a difference between forgiveness and acceptance. I don’t think you can ever forgive anyone without a heartfelt apology from that person, but even without an apology it’s possible to accept that a horrible thing has happened so that you don’t keep dwelling on it for too long.

        1. Mephyle*

          Quite so, yet some people use them interchangeably; that is, the way they describe forgiveness, it sounds like what I would think of as acceptance. Conclusion: “forgiveness” means different things to different people. Also, acceptance is more practical; more productive.

          1. Windchime*

            I agree so much. If someone isn’t sorry and doesn’t apologize, then that doesn’t warrant forgiveness from me (that’s assuming that the person is mentally capable of remorse; I wouldn’t necessarily expect remorse from a person with dementia, for example).

            I had a friend who wronged me in a very real way. She made my life hell and played terrible, manipulative mind games. She doesn’t think she did anything wrong so she will never be sorry or apologize. So I will never forgive. That doesn’t mean I am carrying around some horrible burden of hate and resentment for her; I’m not. I just see her for the misguided, cruel person that she is and have moved on. She doesn’t take up space in my head and, while I don’t wish bad things on anyone, I don’t care what happens to her. I’ve moved on and I’m glad to be out of that situation. But forgive someone who isn’t the least bit sorry? Nah.

    19. Come On Eileen*

      How to move forward: don’t focus on forgiveness or him apologizing. Acceptance is a better answer. There’s no way to perfectly protect yourself from a virus that is seeking a host. I’m so sorry you got it, and I hope you fully recover. This past year HAS been exhausting. The more you can focus on accepting what happened, not seeking an apology from someone who might not give it (and might not owe it), the better your mental and emotional health will likely be.

    20. Tofu pie*

      I’m sorry to hear you got covid. That itself is awful but to catch it while pregnant; knowing it was from a careless, unapologetic relative, added to the mix your IL’s lack of appropriate response. I would be absolutely furious too.

      I’ve found forgiveness to be a process rather than a magical switch. Rather than forgiveness as the focus I find it easier to allow myself to go through the anger, resentment, hurt, etc. What your BIL has done is genuinely shitty.

      Also, it’s important to distinguish forgiveness from consequences. If you were previously on good terms with BIL it’s understandable if you feel betrayed and lose respect for him as a person. The onus isn’t on you to act as though he hasn’t been reckless and inconsiderate. It’s okay to decide you don’t like him going forward and limit contact or whatever you decide your relationship with him now looks like. It’s okay to not allow him to stay in your home again. If MIL is unhappy about that, this is a consequence BIL inflicted as a direct result of *his* actions; and not you being mean or selfish.

      My ILs are similar to your MIL in that they just ignore bad behaviour from other family members and treat them the same way as they do everyone else they like. I find this to be a breeding ground for long term resentment as I much prefer to address conflict rather than ignore it. To each their own, I guess. But it doesn’t mean I have to conform to their way of dealing with conflict.

    21. Artemesia*

      Next time someone puts you at risk, don’t be polite, say no. He was careless and should never have been allowed to stay with pregnant you — I am furious on your behalf. Sorry you are stuck with jerks like this in your family.

      A nephew of my BIL infected his family and my BIL’s family March a year ago — my BIL was tutoring him in math. At least they didn’t realize he was at risk so there wasn’t ‘fault’ but my BIL has never fully recovered and it has probably lopped years off his life.

    22. Dan*

      Just out of curiosity, since he was traveling for work, what would he have done if you weren’t available to host?

      I’m with you on not hosting anymore family members… and if BIL has to travel for work again, I’d really be wondering why work wasn’t picking up the hotel. (And heck, my org has had a “no travel during COVID” rule in place for the last year.)

  13. Laura*

    Been thinking about how the line from ‘young’ to ‘old’ gets crossed so abruptly when you go from your 20s to your 30s. There’s a lot of angst in your 20s because you feel like you should be an adult and do the ‘adult things’, but there’s an inherent sense that it’s okay if you’re not quite up to it, and that you’re allowed to hold on to the ‘childish’ things for a bit longer. But once you’re in your 30s it stops being okay, and the expiration date for those childish things have passed, and the warning to let them go gets louder with each passing year.

    I guess part of it is the way this ageing process is depicted in popular culture. There are a lot of shows that start off with a relatively young (early-mid 20s) group of characters because that’s probably the market they’re targeting. But if the show is successful then obviously the characters will age, and there’s very little variation in storylines from the tried-and-tested ‘get married have children’ route. Then once people have children – especially women – the jokes about getting old and being out of touch starting popping up every other episode.

    I’ve been watching some shows from the 90s/00s recently (some of them for the first time), and it really struck me how all the characters who were young then (and who were making fun of the older generation) would be in their 40s/50s now, and so would be the people they were making fun of back then. I know decades have passed and that’s just the way of things, but it makes me wonder at what point the ‘transition’ comes.

    1. Helvetica*

      Oh, I feel you on the idea that almost no matter the show, everyone’s happily ever after has to be married-with-children. This is the reason I disliked some choices on Parks&Rec, Andy and April having a baby didn’t seem like the logical step to me. Ben and Leslie having children did make sense and I think the way that played out in the last season was great because it didn’t become about the children.
      I feel a show which did sidestep this was You’re the Worst. The final conclusion was so in keeping with who the characters were.

      1. I'd Rather Be Eating Dumplings*

        Love You’re the Worst, and never understood why it wasn’t more popular. I love that ending montage set to ‘No Children’ by the Mountain Goats.

        I find it oddly comforting.

      2. Team9to5*

        Oh my goodness, I have the exact same feeling about April and Andy! On a broader level, there aren’t many shows that depict being single as a happy ending, either. So weird that our culture expects both partnership and progeny!

        1. Washi*

          SAME. I feel like the real outcome of April and Andy having a kid together is Andy’s antics would no longer be cute and April would end up a single mom with Andy as a well meaning but irresponsible “fun dad.”

      3. Yellow Warbler*

        This is why I quit B99. I was so disgusted by the way they forced Jake to agree to have a kid.

    2. Camelid coordinator*

      I am about to be in my mid-50s, which appears to be ancient in popular culture. I’ve been reading a novel in which a woman in her fifties is described as grandmotherly and that’s it. I get that she could be a grandmother but it pains me that women aren’t really seen after their 30s. I hope this isn’t hijacking your thread!

      1. NewHampshire*

        If you haven’t seen them yet, the RED movies (Retired, Extremely Dangerous) are an absolute riot. Not a substitute for culture basically erasing women after the age of 30 (but hey, here’s a cream for your wrinkles and some dye for your hair! Ugh) but it was an enjoyable moment of representation.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          I’m enjoying Helen Mirren’s appearances in the Fast and Furious movies too. :)

        2. Filosofickle*

          The scene in RED 2 where they do the action sequence of Helen Mirren in a spinning car with two guns, one out each side window, shooting as it goes round brings me joy.

      2. Asenath*

        I’m in my mid-sixties, and really, I like the freedom that comes with age and no longer caring so much about the things I agonized over in my teens, twenties, thirties…. In fact, I was much struck by a comment in a presentation I saw on aging to the effect that we were all physically old (meaning 50+, with accompanying physical changes). That opened my eyes, in a way, to the idea that I was what I was, and that sure wasn’t young any more! For what it’s worth, I’ve never been one for whom exact age was important – I see going through life as a progression, not a series of transitions, and never really understood why many of my friends put so much importance on special ages – turning 30, 40, 50 etc. And I don’t watch many of the popular TV series, more out of lack of interest than anything else, so I don’t worry about how people my age are portrayed there, or whether we’re invisible in them.

    3. mreasy*

      I will say that the pressure I felt in my 20s to be some young miracle in my career evaporated when I turned 30, and it’s even better now that I’m 40! I decided long ago not to have kids, so that probably helps. Though I work in media so I’m probably “in touch” with youth culture (this does not mean I understand the appeal of so many things) more than people who don’t have to do it for a living? So far I have loved aging though.

      1. allathian*

        Yeah, me too. But I guess it helps that while I took longer than most to graduate from college, 8 years in total because I was almost incapacitated by untreated depression for several years, when I finally got myself into treatment it helped pretty quickly, my life has otherwise followed a pretty standard path. I had a relationship that didn’t work out in my early 20s, I met my husband in my early 30s, married him when I was 8 months pregnant and then we built a house. So I’m living a pretty standard middle-class life. I’m fairly content because now I’m where I suppose I always wanted to end up, although having children was never a big goal for me and I only started feeling broody for a kid when I met my husband because I knew from the start that he’d be a great father for my child. I also lucked out because at 36 I knew I was probably past my prime in fertility, but I got pregnant in the first cycle when we started trying.

        I wasn’t a rebellious teen but I didn’t particularly enjoy those years, either. To me, the surest sign of peaking early is when someone says they’re nostalgic for their teens. My 20s I spent mostly in college while all my friends graduated before me and I felt like I wasn’t keeping up with them because they met their spouses about 5 years before I met mine, and most of them married before they hit 30 and most of them are still married to the same person. When I graduated, I worked odd jobs that had nothing to do with my degree and never seemed to find my place. But then when I met my husband and got my current job in my mid-30s, I’ve felt fairly at peace with the world most of the time.

        I’m not particularly ambitious, but I do want to do my job well and keep improving at it for my professional self-esteem if nothing else. But it really helps that now at nearly 50 I mostly don’t care what other people think of me. I grew up a people-pleaser, but once I got over that, my life improved enormously.

        1. mreasy*

          Nailed it about being a people-pleaser. It’s so much better as that need loosens up over time!

      2. pieforbreakfast*

        I was so excited to turn 30, I figured people would stop asking me about my life goals and they did! It’s like, “you made it to 30 without dying so you must know what you’re doing” or something.

    4. FD*

      Are you hearing this from people around you, or internalizing it from popular culture?

      If you’re hearing it from people around you, then you may need to set some boundaries and/or cut out some a-holes from your life.

      I think one of the most freeing things about being in your 30s is realizing that almost no one actually cares what you like. Do you like She-Ra? Voltron? Fluffy JohnLock fanfiction? First of all, very few people have enough time to give a crap if you do and second, there is likely a group of fans in a similar demographic to you who have been loving it since it came out and are still out there making content. (This is also true whatever the ‘childish’ thing you’re into, those are just some of the stereotypically ‘childish’ things that I know are popular in my social group.)

      Once you turn 30, no one really expects you to be young and hip, and that’s honestly pretty fantastic because it can free you to just go be obsessed with whatever you’re obsessed with.

      It’s entirely possible to be someone who can both do a budget and also be ready to sack out on the couch and watch Gargoyles on Disney+ after work.

      If you’re more internalizing these messages from media, well…I mean, the media already creates these silly ideals so why should we care what they think? If you’re too old to be a Friends character, you don’t have to hold yourself to those standards, right?

      1. AGD*

        Love this! Also, I think pretty much everyone should want to watch Gargoyles on Disney+ after work.

        1. FD*

          I missed it the first time because we didn’t have Disney Channel when I was a kid, so my wife’s been showing it to me! It’s pretty great.

    5. NewHampshire*

      Oh this one hits home! I’m early thirties with a toddler. A few thoughts in no particular order:

      – A *lot* of women realize after having kids that they do not enjoy parenting. It was simply expected of them by society and there can be a lot of anger around not feeling like there was another socially acceptable or even visible option (note, most women still love their kids, they just don’t love the intense and unrelenting physical and emotional labor involved. If I had a nanny or a stay at home spouse to do all the unpleasant tasks, I’d happily have a dozen kids. See: men of every prior generation…)
      – I was appalled at the number of parents who sang the praises of kids before we got pregnant and then once we were expecting all the horror stories out. The marital issues, the exhaustion, the resentment. Holy culture shock, Batman!
      – Folks spend a lot of time speculating on why other people are single. What must be “wrong” with them. But almost no one looks at a married person and asks/thinks “gosh I don’t know why they lowered their standards so much.”
      – I like to cultivate my inner 50 year old for many things. Specifically, I do not intend to let culture tell me what is and isn’t acceptable. If I like dragons and magic, those are going to be the books I buy. Anyone who has a problem with that probably has their own insecurity issues. Life is too short to play a bit role in someone else’s production. Whatever you like, childish or no, own it and trust that eventually you’ll still find your people.

        1. ....*

          Yeah I think that like…. all the time LOL! I’m 30 so lots of people are getting married or just got married. Of my best friends and siblings I basically think “yeeeeesh why did you settle” for 4/5 of their husbands.

      2. matcha123*

        I am continually surprised by friends who announce pregnancies. When I was little I remember listening to my mom and the other moms complain non-stop about raising kids, their (useless/annoying) husbands, their lack of free time and money, and I thought, “Surely no person of sound mind in my age would ever have a kid.” And yet, here we are…and some of them are walking the same steps as their parents (ie – complaining about partners and child rearing).

        I’m also surprised at why so many people are invested in *why* someone else is single. Our culture puts couples on a pedestal, but also tells people to stand up for themselves and leave bad relationships. It’s strange that we would think poorly of people who want to wait for a partner that matches them??

        1. Dan*

          I think a huge reason why our culture puts couples on a pedestal is the consumerism behind it. “Follow the money, you know?”

          The wedding juggernaut is probably the clearest example, and one can draw all sorts of tentacles from there. I mean, single people don’t throw $30,000 weddings for themselves. And after the wedding, there’s the kids (and everything related to kids that costs money), the big (expensive) house in the suburbs, the big SUV to haul everybody around, etc.

          Sure, I’m generalizing a bit, but I can tell you as a single person with no kids that my 1) Smaller, cheaper apartment is just fine, and I don’t *need* a bigger space. 2) My small sedan is just fine, TYVM, and well, I didn’t spend $30k on a wedding.

          Even when kids and weddings are taken out of the mix, being in a “couple” comes with a monetary cost in our society. There’s the pressure around holidays that are pure consumerism (hi valentine’s day!) and just in general, when I’m on my own I can be downright cheap with money in ways that would be considered rude otherwise,

          So yeah, I’m convinced a lot of the “couples on a pedestal” culture comes from the commercial juggernaut that makes money off of them.

      3. Frankie Derwent*

        I hate people who ask me why i’m single. My own parents have a wonderful marriage but most people i know do not. My friends in relationships insist that I should date and find a boyfriend myself and sometimes it takes all my willpower to say their relationships are hardly an endorsement of married/ relationship life. I wish society would be more accepting of the fact that people can be and some are happily single.

        1. Dan*

          Yeah, and guys aren’t immune from that pressure either.

          It’s funny how the default in our culture is to assume that a breakup or divorce is a bad thing. When I finally split from my ex, the default language from my acquaintances was “sorry to hear that”. From my close friends and people who knew what was really going on, I got, “I’m glad you got out of that mess, sorry you had to go through that.”

          The other thing too is the assumption that couples need to live together. Why? I am oh so very happy living by myself… especially in my one bedroom apartment.

          1. allathian*

            My sister had a 10-year engagement that ended when her ex finally realized that she meant it when she said she didn’t want any kids of her own. She’s now happy in a relationship with a guy who has a serious relationship in his past, but they don’t live together. Both of them like their own space.

            My MIL got a divorce 30 years ago when she caught my FIL maintaining a second household with another woman (he traveled a lot for work so was often away on overnight trips). She’s now married again, but she and her husband keep separate households and completely separate finances. She got used to having her own space in the 20 years she was single, and this way it’ll make things easier for both her husbands’ and her heirs when they die. Here a widow/er has an automatic right to remain in the dwelling that the couple used as their home during the marriage, even if the heirs inherit the property, and descendants by blood are always given priority over new spouses. There’s no absolute right to distribute property with a will, heirs are always entitled to at least half of what they would have received without a will, and the inheritance tax for heirs who aren’t direct descendants is heavy.

      4. TL -*

        I think that about partnered people all the time. I’ve said it a time or two (just not to the partnered people themselves, unless the relationship is legitimately bad.)

        I’m in my early thirties and most of my friends are partnered and while I like most of the partners, I definitely see the relationships more as “sacrifices friends have made for X trade-off that I would never personally be okay with.” (Why, yes I am still single!)

        The older I get, the higher my standards become and the less I’m willing to sacrifice. And it doesn’t help at all that I’m a woman and not at all willing to make “gender norm” sacrifices.

        I will say, a lot of people don’t like my stance (which is fair) – one of my friends was arguing with me about how it’s easy to find a truly supportive partner and I finally asked her to name all of her partnered (female) friends who had moved for their male partners’ job (all of them but one), and then to name all of her friends whose male partners had moved for their job (zero.)

        And. Her friends are educated, liberal, independent women with partners who are, to a large degree, supportive of their careers. Who have all followed their male partners because “it just makes more sense in the situation.” (sometimes they add, and it doesn’t make sense to even ask him to move/stay for my career.) It was only when I specifically called out the pattern that she realized it was actually happening on a larger scale – and also she very much agreed I would not do that.

      5. Dan*

        To your first two points… how sincere were the horror stories? Was it blowing off steam at the bar, or was it legit at their wits end and something big is about to go down?

        I’m curious, because even as a dude with no kids, if I say, “I don’t think I want kids, they seem like a lot of work and expense” I get the brush off and get told that I’ll adjust once they come or that I have plenty of time to change my mind. Only one person has ever said, “yeah, they’re a ton of work and expensive, I can very much understand if that’s not for you.”

        My cynical opinion is that people with kids are secretly jealous of those that don’t. Those that don’t have more time and money to do more of the things they *want* to do. Discouraging others from having kids means one would have to endure the trials and tribulations alone. (Misery loves company I guess?)

        1. NewHampshire*

          If you can believe it, the horror stories were often an *understatement* of what I have since seen!

          If you own any pets you know that they come with certain care activities. A healthy cat as an example:
          – Food
          – Water
          – Cleaning dishes
          – Scooping litter
          – Toys and games
          – Grocery shopping for supplies
          – Vet care

          If you have a dog, you up the ante a bit:
          – Walking the dog
          – Crate/Leash/Obedience training
          – Regular grooming
          – Picking up poop
          – Socializing your pup
          – Additional dedicated playtime

          If you had siblings growing up, you know that some folks take these tasks more seriously than others. In marriage, you will find similar negotiations. I’ll walk the dog today and tomorrow if you give him a bath etc. I scooped the litter last time. It’s YOUR turn.

          Having a puppy prepares you for having a kid the way having an internship prepares you to be a CEO. They’re both work, but in the second one, the stakes are higher you are never really “off”. It’s an 18+ year job that you can’t leave. Couples can get divorced but you cannot ever stop being a parent (well, you can, but it’s considered monstrous in every culture for a reason!). If you’re very lucky and have trusted people or gobs of money, you can get help to run your company, but otherwise it’s just you and your spouse trying to do everything. And in the early days, you have to add in often severe sleep deprivation.

          It takes a rock solid marriage to handle the kind of communication you need to run a company. If the financials are shaky or your visions isn’t aligned or the other person doesn’t do their half of the work, the stress and resentment can be enormous.

          I see it time and again that the dude doesn’t do their share of the lift either in housework or after work childcare or general child related effort (meal planning, meal preparation, researching daycare, interfacing with teachers, making appointments, coordinating play dates etc) and it takes a lot of hard conversations to change OR leads to profound resentment.

          Do you love your kid? Would you run into a burning building for them? Absolutely! But parenting isn’t a one time effort. It’s a daily, unceasing grind. And I consider myself lucky! I have a healthy kid who I adore with a husband who pulls his weight and some family help. I love him to bits and can’t imagine life without him now. And yet I can also now very strongly say that the only people who should have kids are the ones who really REALLY want them. They are not puppies, or a status symbol or an obligation. They are small humans who require a lot of love and time and yes, money. If that doesn’t appeal to you, there are many of kids who you can still love and support without far less commitment (and their parents will love you!).

        2. Calliope*

          I had my kid at 36 so pretty late and after most of my friends, so I feel like I’ve been on both sides of this. It is a lot of work but if it is the right choice for you, it’s worth it. I enjoyed being childless for my 20s and first half of my 30s but then I felt ready to do something else, and that something else was, for me, raise a child.

          I do think it’s totally great if people have other things that fulfill them, but no, I’m not secretly jealous of that. We all have our paths and it’s ok if they’re different.

          1. Clisby*

            Similar here. I had mine at 42 and 48, and they’ve been a joy to me. I didn’t have them in my earlier years because I didn’t want them then. There’s nothing for me to be secretly jealous of – I did what I wanted, and got what I wanted.

    6. My Brain Is Exploding*

      The flip side of that is the “you’re too old to…” and newspapers mentioning “an elderly 62 year old!” OLD is not a synonym for INFIRM.

      1. Dan*

        Yeah, that cultural phrasing drives me nuts. I worked with a guy for several years who recently retired at 70. The dude is still sharp as a tack and in good physical shape. “70 years young” is an appropriate description. I would *never* refer to him as old.

        1. Sleeping Late Every Day*

          Ew, I hate that “70 years young” wording; it’s so patronizing. I’m 71, and why can’t people just say So and so is 70 or 50 or 20 or 80 without sticking “young” or “old” on it? I think in some languages, it’s worded “Esmeralda has 53 years.” Why can’t English accommodate that wording?

          1. c-*

            Oh, those languages aren’t totally exempt from condescending BS related to age either, I’m afraid! ;) Spanish, my native language, does this, and in addition of having a truckload of terms to describe people based on age*, there are also phrases like “x years young/old”: “tener x primaveras/abriles/inviernos”, lit. “having x springtimes/aprils/winters”.

            * If anyone is curious, for women we have, loosely from young to old: bebé (baby), niña, chica, cría (girl), moza, joven, señorita (young lady), mujer, señora (lady), vieja, abuela (old lady).

    7. pancakes*

      A lot of TV shows, particularly 90s shows, were really corny and unrealistic about this sort of thing, though. I’ve always preferred the company of people who have friends in a range of ages, and have always had older people in my life I like and admire. It isn’t mandatory to be blinkered about it.

    8. Not So NewReader*

      “But once you’re in your 30s it stops being okay, and the expiration date for those childish things have passed, and the warning to let them go gets louder with each passing year.”

      I see this in law and I see this in medicine also.
      In the process of helping friends with their kids get through the legal system I see over and over that courts agree, once a person is in their 30s they are old enough to know better. By late 30s , people can even be deemed a career criminal, informally. By the time we are pushing 40 we should have a fair idea of what is right and wrong legally.

      In medicine what I see is a bit more subtle and maybe a bit later in life- 40s and on? I see the head shaking about someone who is frequently drunk [or other habit]. It’s the same head shake lawyers can use when a person is beyond helping. It’s as if their course has been set.

      I do agree that each generation makes fun of it’s elders. And each generation has legit beefs about their older generations, too. And then that generation ages and they too become part of the process. We all have a turn at this one.

      Going just one step further, I often wonder if that push back against the previous generation is almost necessary for the next generation to launch itself. It’s almost like making fun and rebelling etc are necessary to some degree.

      1. Aly_b*

        On the flip side though, doctors take medical stuff way more seriously now that I’m in my mid thirties than they did when I was “young and healthy”. I’m still about as healthy as I was, but now when I say there’s an issue they bother checking it (mostly.)

        1. DJ Abbott*

          I’m 59 and I had a pain in my upper arm, another in my side, and sharp pain in my opposite elbow.
          Whenever I mentioned these pains to a medical professional the first word they said was “arthritis”.
          Funny how that never happened in my 30’s!
          In fact the arm pain was caused by a frozen shoulder which has since cleared with physical therapy. The side pain was caused by weak hip muscles, also helped by physical therapy. The elbow pain is mostly gone with ben-gay and ice.
          I have no symptoms of arthritis.

    9. matcha123*

      I…never wanted to be an “adult,” I’m sorry. I always gave the side-eye to kids that wanted to be grown and do grown things. I knew that grown meant more responsibilities, possibility of jail for something that a kid could be forgiven for, and jobs that you hated.
      I did, for a time, think that adults that liked “childish” things were dumb, because that’s what pop culture and other adults tried to feed me. But the more I thought about it, the stranger I found it. Why shouldn’t an adult be able to enjoy a ball pit? Why should I stop liking cartoons because I was a certain age? Rather than bowing to…something and locking away the things we like, why not enjoy them?

    10. ThatGirl*

      I turned 40 a few weeks ago. My husband will be 38 this year. We do not have kids, nor are we planning to. And nobody has judged us. We both have good jobs, we own a house, are responsible human beings…who watch plenty of cartoons, play video games, talk in silly voices to our dog, wear baby yoda tshirts… who cares! Live your life, enjoy yourself.

    11. Joan Rivers*

      Have you seen “Thirtysomething”? The series was on TV ’87-91 and I loved it. Don’t know how it would hold up now but the characters were engrossing then.

    12. Grapey*

      I think it’s more acceptable to be “childish” if you can support yourself. I’m not having kids (mostly because I also find the life script you mention exhausting and don’t think it’s moral to put that burden on another generation of my own doing) but I gather part of the point of raising them is to get them to “launch” at a certain age.

  14. NewHampshire*

    Moving! Two questions:

    Normal: Does anyone have a favorite comprehensive moving checklist? I’ve moved before and been more organized each time but this will be the biggest one yet, across a big chunk of the country so no popping back home if we forget something.

    Reach: Does anyone here have a recommendation for how to snag a rental in the Seacoast area of New Hampshire? I’ve posted on Craigslist and set up a notification for my search and asked to join a couple of the housing groups on Facebook. We will need a lease in July so we have some time but I’ll feel better once it’s all locked in! (Looking for a 4bd/2ba or 3bd with bonus room and 2ba. Mentally budgeting around 3K before utilities but if I’m off I’d welcome any thoughts from others!).

    1. Sled dog mama*

      Can’t speak to the budget but I made a similar move a few years ago and a local real estate agent who specialized in rentals was a life saver in finding what we needed. I think I found the one we worked with by cold calling a couple of offices and asking if they knew of anyone but also got some recommendations from the agent we used to sell our house.

      1. NewHampshire*

        Thank you so much! This prompted me to finally bite the bullet and reach out to a realtor who supposedly knows the market. Appreciate the nudge!

      1. NewHampshire*

        Ooo I have heard wonderful things about this website. Thank you for the brilliant share!

    3. Also moving*

      I am also about to move, and downloaded some checklists from The Art of Happy Moving: https://www.artofhappymoving.com/
      I also downloaded her audiobook from the library using Hoopla, and listen to it while I declutter and prep items to sell, for a bit of motivation.

      1. NewHampshire*

        Shudder. The declutter and packing are going to take ages after everything we’ve accumulated. Hoping to go one box at a time. Thank you for the link!

    4. Skeeder Jones*

      I don’t really have advice but I’m also embarking on a significant move, it’s about 1000 miles and I’m moving June/July. July 1st is when I’ll need to be all moved but I have budgeted for some overlap if I have to sign a lease for June. If I do sign for June, then I’ll likely move mid-month. So I’m at least 6 weeks away from moving. I’ve been packing slowly a few boxes a day but I live in a studio so it’s hard to find space for the boxes once they are packed. I’ll be renting a storage space for 1-2 months so I can make room to pack more boxes.

      I’m also concerned about trying to rent something while living so far away. I am planning a trip there mid-May but if I don’t lock something down that weekend, I’ll have to try to rent using only virtual means. I’d love to hear from anyone who has moved without physically seeing the place they are moving to.

      1. NewHampshire*

        I feel you! We have a toddler running around so space is at a premium as we try to pack. I like the approach of one box at a time :). We are also having to look at thing virtually. I’ve had some luck checking out Google street view, Google satellite, Zillow, Trulia etc for additional photos and additional angles. People are very crafty in hiding things like super steep driveways!

    6. Public Sector Manager*

      I only know of Harris Real Estate down in Hampton Beach where my good friends live.

      1. NewHampshire*

        Thank you for sharing :). We’re aiming a bit further north to be close to Amtrak but I’ll keep that in mind if we end up looking closer to the beaches!

    7. KR*

      I had the most luck finding a rental by driving around and looking at places I wanted to rent, and checking the websites/looking at signs in windows/so on. When I was last looking for a rental in that part of NH I found most places didn’t advertise online. I’m assuming you’re looking for a house and not an apartment though, so the experience will probably be different. Good luck, the market is super tight right now and NH does not have a lot of rental housing available at all and hasn’t for years.

      1. NewHampshire*

        It’s nuts right now. $4500 for a 4bd2ba in Exeter. It doesn’t even have an attached garage!! I’ve joined a few Facebook groups and have a search alert on Craiglist. I’ve also messaged a couple of realtors to see if they have an eye on things before they hit the market. We have our current place until the end of August so the move in day is flexible if needed but I’d prefer to lock something in early.

    8. Pocket Mouse*

      My main pieces of advice:

      1. Figure out what you need on day 1, and pack those things together and make them as accessible as possible. By this I mean anything you need to eat, shower, and go to sleep without leaving a mess- a change of clothes, pajamas, toiletries, shower curtain, snacks, a bowl and set of silverware per person, dish soap and sponge, trash bag/can, toilet paper, paper towels/dish rag, phone charger, etc. Same for day 2 supplies: wifi gear, work necessities, scissors for unpacking, etc.

      2. Label all your packed boxes bags with both what they contain and which room they will go in.

      3. Refill all prescription medications before moving.

      4. Forward your mail with USPS ahead of time, and also leave/mail a note to your old address for the next tenant with your contact info in case something important-looking gets delivered to you there.

      5. Echoing others, stay hydrated.

      Good luck!

  15. The Other Dawn*

    Any current or previous MINI owners out there? I’m curious as to whether or not you named your car. If so, what did you name it and why?

    I bought one used last year–2016 Cooper 4-door hardtop–and decided to name mine. I wasn’t going to, but it seems to be what MINI owners do, so why not? I searched online to see what other owners have named theirs and also tried a name generator, which gave such bizarre results sometimes. Since I wanted to get the name on a license plate, I decided to go on the state DMV website to see what’s available and choose the name that way. We’re now allowed to have up to seven total numbers and/or letters. My top choices, which were Sheldon or Marty, were not available. Bradley and Alice weren’t either. I then tried Charlie (my late father), Cooper1, and Neo (because I love Keanu Reeves and I loved The Matrix), all of which are available. Since I could enter up to three choices, those were the ones I entered. I don’t know which one will arrive in the mail, but it should be Charlie since that was the first choice.

    I feel like Charlie fits because my father seemed to think of himself as a speed demon in a cute package in his later years. Once he accepted he should be using one of those motorized scooters to get around the store and other places, he embraced it. He’d speed around the grocery store to get his items, sometimes a little too close on my sister’s heels.

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I don’t have a Mini, but I’ve named every car I’ve ever driven for more than a week, including rentals. My current one is Nux the Warboy, because his predecessor was Sif and when she got totaled I commented that she was off to ride the roads of Valhalla, and my brain added “shiny and chrome” at the end of that because I had just seen Fury Road again. The Warboy – I usually call him by title rather than name – is the first car I’ve ever had with a related custom license plate though, usually I just go with the random assignment.

    2. Llellayena*

      I don’t have a mini, but I’ve named my cars. My last one was Kimi (Dragonriders of Pern reference, the car was gold) and my current car is Jadzia. I’m not one for the specialty plates though.

    3. Dwight Schrute*

      No MINI either but I name my cars. They’ve been Fergie, Felicia, Jane Honda, and Rita

    4. Pregnant during COVID*

      I hope your license plate is Charlie! That’s a nice memory of your dad to recall every time you are in your car. I had two MINIs in my life and I dearly miss driving them (I had to step up to an SUV to fit car seats). Both I named Mini Me. Not terribly original but I’m really short myself so the name fit ;).

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Yes, the license plate will be Charlie. It was my first choice out of the three I provided to DMV and available, so I should be able to get it.

    5. the cat's ass*

      I love this thread! I too have named all my cars. I have never has a Mini, but my cars were Lara the Volvo (the first car i bought myself), Helmut the mercedes (i bought from a friend so she could finish law school), Audrey the bronze subaru-she was my favorite (little shop of horrors reference). Current Subaru (used but new to me), is still nameless as i wait for a name to swim up out of the ether.

    6. londonedit*

      I’m currently borrowing a Mini and it doesn’t have a name! A few of our family cars have had names, but not this one. I haven’t really heard of it being a particular Mini owners’ thing, naming their cars, but maybe it is! I feel like sometimes a car wants a name (usually in my experience a name suggests itself from the numberplate – ours have three letters at the end so if they happen to resemble a word then that can help with naming) but often it feels like a car is quite happy without a name. My current Mini definitely has a personality but it’s never suggested a name to us.

    7. Yellow Warbler*

      I owned an R53 named Skye. She was the old version of starlight blue (forget what they called it back then) with white roof/mirrors/double racing stripe.

      I had just dropped eight grand on a new transmission, when a deer ran into the front quarter panel, flipped up over the hood and windshield, and totaled her. To be clear, I did not hit the deer, it plowed into me like a bull charging a matador. Effing rat with hooves.

      I miss her so much, but I hate the new gens with a passion. I would definitely buy another R53, but nothing newer unless they drastically restyle and undo the swollen barges they’ve turned into.

    8. Sandra Dee*

      Yes, I had a MINI countryman, which is the largest MINI that is made, therefore his name was Max the MINI. I now own a Subaru Outback, and her name is Shelia.

    9. mini owner*

      I call my Cooper Caspar, because it has been haunted by a friendly ghost for much of its life (purchased new in 2006). Probably a glitch in the main instrument control cluster, but no mechanic has even been able to give me a clear diagnosis or fix, so I’m sticking with the ghost hypothesis.

    11. Not Australian*

      We had a *real* Mini (1983 version) for over 20 years who was named Primrose because that was her original colour; two paint jobs later we sold her to a loving new family and she is now Bluebell for obvious reasons! Every car we own has a name, and we even named the one that we hired for a couple of months about five winters ago; the name usually arises from some ‘personal’ characteristic, and we currently have Hester the Fiesta. [My ex-sister, some decades ago, had the original Ester the Fiesta.]

      We’re currently searching for a new campervan. Our old one, Snoopy, was too small; the current one, Gertie, is too big; the new one, which we haven’t even seen yet, will therefore – whenever it arrives – have to be called Goldilocks.

      None of this, unfortunately, bears any relationship to the registration number – different country, different system.

    12. k8page*

      I love Charlie for your Mini! My 2004 Mini was named Ellie. I thought about naming her L-Train because my previous mode of transportation had been the L subway line from Manhattan to Brooklyn, and my mom suggested Queen Elizabeth because the Mini is British. I put the two together and came up with Ellie. My 2015 Mini Countryman was named Granny Smith partly because she was green, but mainly because she was slow – I could slam on the gas pedal and almost hear the car saying “you go on ahead, I’ll meet you there.” I do not miss driving that Countryman!

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Good to know about the Countryman! I personally don’t want one, but my husband keeps saying, “Look! It’s got those big doors in back!” Now I can tell him another reason why I don’t want one. ;)

    1. Sled dog mama*

      I transplanted a whole bunch of daylillies and hostas from various places around the property in to a new bed and they are just starting to come up! These were all huge clumps of plants that I divided up so they could have more space.

    2. Teatime is Goodtime*

      My roses are doing well! One of them has bloomed in three different colors which is totally cool. A light pink, an orangy-pink, and one new bud that looks like it is coming out a dark pink.

      For those of you who know roses: do you have any favorite beginner-friendly rose resources? I’m a little overwhelmed by what I am finding online…like if and when and how I’m supposed to cut it back and so on. I’m all ears!

    3. Lilo*

      I bought my house this year and the previous owner was an avid gardener, so I’ve been thrown in the deep end a bit. I’ve been battling the Ivy that wants to murder everything pretty regularly. I need an absurd amount of mulch to stop the weeds from coming up in the berry patch. Although I’m pretty sure one of the gooseberries is dead.

      Boy do I hate Ivy. Cutting/pulling it away is tough in my hands even through gloves.

      I don’t really know what I’m doing but I’m trying with help from the internet.

    4. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

      Still absurdly cold here at night so plants are languishing in the plastic greenhouse. I started some seeds a few weeks ago and they are starting to go crazy so I’ll need to repot them soon.

      Some of the plants that I expected to be perfectly fine with the cold weather seem to have died in the last few weeks. I’ll give it a few more weeks and see if they recover.

    5. fposte*

      We had a couple of freeze nights last week after a lovely warm period; I put towels over the cold-sown seedlings outside but left the tulips to fend for themselves based on experience. They’re mostly doubles this year and they’re oddly beautiful with the post-cold droop that makes their blossoms front facing instead of top-facing, since you see so much more. (They’ve straightened up now.)

    7. Generic Name*

      My husband is researching fruit trees to put in our yard in the Denver suburbs as we speak. It’s been a cold and snowy April, so everything is behind. The trees are just now starting to leaf out. My bulbs are blooming, and that makes me happy.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Have you & he seen the apples that have been grafted to have several varieties on one tree?

        1. Generic Name*

          Yes! I worry the graft would fail and we’d get a dead or lopsided tree. I’m trying not to be too opinionated about it, since he’ll be doing all the work and care for it. :)

    8. BlueWolf*

      I started some tomatoes and peppers from seed probably a bit too early and they’ve grown like crazy. I’m just anxiously waiting to put them in the ground. We had a few cold nights (30s) this week, but it’s looking like nighttime temps are warming up significantly next week so I can finally plant them out in the garden this week! This is my first vegetable garden so I just hope I don’t fail completely haha. I also ended up with more seedlings than I originally planned because basically all my seeds germinated and I couldn’t bring myself to thin them all.

    9. Aly_b*

      I revived my herb garden from last week, which we’d been under watering because we were scared of the classic newb mistake of overwatering. No plants were lost! I’m now trying to get some jalapeño seeds to germinate, but I think it might be too cold. I may try to repurpose my instant pot’s yogurt setting for a few days if nothing pops up in the next day or two.

      1. Generic Name*

        The whole looming thing, or just a dormant root/rhizome? I think the weather is pretty temperate now, so it should fare ok.

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          It’s not dormamt, but only 5-6 inches tall. I’m hoping to ship it bare root so I can reduce the chance of sharing soil pests with someone ~40 miles away. I figured I’d protect it with tissue paper & brown paper, and a cardboard box. Does that sound logical?

    11. Bobina*

      I have my first flower! A viola from a bunch I ordered in Jan/Feb? Its a very pretty purple and yellow, and I think once the rest of the plants flower it’ll look really pretty.

      Still waiting on the ranunculus and irises to do anything, as well as the random assortment of annuals from last week.

    12. Ali G*

      Anyone else’s houseplants just really thirsty?? I typically check them every weekend and only some need water, but lately they ALL want water. The longer days are kicking in!
      Today I sowed my cardinal flower seeds and started hardening off my veggies and herbs. Next week I’ll move everyone to their summer homes.

    13. Rara Avis*

      The garden is the work of my husband and daughter (I just enjoy it) — sunflowers, kale, and pumpkins have sprouted. Cherry, fig, and orange trees have bloomed.

    14. Smol Book Wizard*

      This is the first spring I’ve really thought much about gardening, since my fiance and I are working on his yard together… does anyone have tips on how to keep rhododendrons well-behaved? The previous owners of the house did not trim them, so they’re basically pom-poms of chaos.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Wait until they bloom before pruning! They set buds so soon afterwards, if you cut midyear, you miss the year’s flowers.

    15. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

      My daffodils took forever to sprout and then bloom, but they have been gloriously yellow for several days. Two groups of four, one on each edge of the (long, narrow) yard.

      This is particularly nice because I didn’t remember what I’d planted where, last fall.

      1. Generic Name*

        I feel like all my bulbs were late this year as well. We had a very cold and snowy April, so I’m assuming it’s the weather.

    16. TiffIf*

      There are a ton of dandelions in my back yard :( I hate them.

      I tilled my garden today and planted cucumbers and peppers and some bee balm.

      Tomatoes will be soon!

    17. Venus*

      My tomato seedlings are root-bound so I need to repot them. I am still a week or four away from warm weather so have to do them.

      I destroyed an invasive bush which felt really good, and this weekend I will be finishing up a raised bed and then planting cold-resistant veggies. Last year I had little energy for the garden so I’m trying to make up for it this year.

    18. Susie*

      The bed is prepped and hopefully the new raised bed parts will come this week. We are delayed because we decided to install a new fence.

      The fence presented a problem—lots of weeds and vines coming over all of our shared property lines. One in particular-the owners have moved out but haven’t sold. They pay for the lawn to be mowed, but the back half of their yard is covered in weeds and vines. This is next to the part of our yard where we are laying out our beds. My husband and I have spent probably 30+ hours cutting back the vines so that the fence company can remove the old fence. Over the years, we have spent many more hours fighting the vines. One summer after having a baby, I didn’t cut them back and they killed a lilac tree and covered some other bushes at the property line. This year, we even had a landscaper come in to grind the stumps of the more established vines. I despise these vines.
      Just a week after the fence installation, I have found the vines trying to come back. I’m so frustrated with these neighborhood. They are fine with us coming in their yard to cut the vines back, but that is just more work for us. Do any of y’all have any advice on how to keep the vines and other weeds from coming into our yard from our neighbors? No chemicals-small kids who like to eat dirt and a dog use the yard.

      1. Ali G*

        Unfortunately if your neighbors don’t also keep on top of it, you are fighting a slow, long losing battle. I know you said no spray, but if you have vines with large woody stems above ground, you can drill holes into them and spray directly into the holes (so no broadcast spraying) to kill the roots. This works! We saved 4 trees on our property this way. Also cut the vines away from the stems before you do this so those already in the tree will die too.
        If you have large patches on the ground, you can pull up as much as you can and cover the area with plastic or garden paper to smother them. But you have to be willing to leave the cover there like a year. We also did this and with continued pulling we’ve been able to keep it manageable Like your our neighbors don’t stay on top of it, so we are now mostly just fighting what is coming through the fence. It sucks.

        1. Susie*

          Thanks for this! We are going to use gardening fabric in our yard under the raised bed area, but I might see if the neighbors will let me run a sheet along the other side of the fence…
          Most of the heavy duty stumps were ground down, but I’ll keep your suggestion of drilling a hole in my back pocket.

    19. Not Australian*

      As with last year, the daffodils I planted have been a big disappointment and the crocuses vanished almost as soon as they appeared. The tulips, however, are putting on quite a show; I’m especially fond of ‘Queen of the Night’, the dark purple ones, and I have them everywhere I live – and they’ve never let me down yet.

      1. Venus*

        I think it depends on where you live as it has been near freezing here at night and the white daffodils have lasted weeks. The yellow ones haven’t bloomed yet but they don’t last as long.

    20. SpellingBee*

      Last summer I planted a bunch of pass-along irises I got from a friend, and they all survived and are happily growing! Many of them are blooming this year, which makes me very happy. My tomatoes and peppers are doing well despite the couple of cold nights we had last week; I think the fact that they’re in metal-sided raised beds may have helped (they get warmed by the sun during the day and hold the heat into the night). The green beans and lemon cucumbers have sprouted, and I think I may have some snap peas that are almost ready to pick. I’ve been working hard to get a bunch of things planted and moved before it gets too hot, but of course I had to add to my burden by going to a native plant sale last Friday and picking up a bunch of things for the meadow garden. As usual, my eyes are bigger than my shovel!

    21. Teapot Translator*

      I don’t know if anyone will see my question. I’ll repost in next week’s thread, too, just in case.
      I just saw there are mushrooms growing in my self-watering planters. :-O
      Is this bad? It it too much water? Should I change all the soil? These planters are supposed to go outside once nights are warmer.

    22. I'm A Little Teapot*

      It’s spring, and yet it snowed. And it isn’t raining enough. Hopefully it’ll start soon.

      Lots of weeds. I did a bunch of weeding last weekend and got the backyard fairly well cleared. Barely touched the front though. I also have seeds out in the grass and front bed, hopefully some of them will sprout and grow but honestly, I’m letting nature do its thing.

      I have plans to till up the a newly created bed in the backyard and then get a bunch of plants. Weather has not cooperated thus far, and now I’m busy for a week or 2.

    23. Bluebell*

      The daffodils and grape hyacinth I planted last fall are looking great, but there aren’t many tulips that survived the squirrels and bunny. I still haven’t planted seeds yet, but hope to get to it this week. I have lots of nasturtiums, marigolds, and some cosmos and zinnias.

  17. Shoeless Joe*

    I realize Ask a Manager is not known for sports fanatics, but I was really frustrated by something that happened this week and wondered if anyone else has had a similar experience. 

    I bought tickets for my dad and I to see a live Major League Baseball game next month (we are both fully vaccinated and my father, who loves going to baseball games more than anything, probably doesn’t have many years left). The other day, the team called and said they’d oversold the tickets — expecting the capacity limit in our state to be increased by now — and revoked our tickets. 

    On the face of it, that was OK, because I had misgivings about being in a big crowd and have been nervous seeing all the unmasked fans on TV. But the way the team did it bothered me immensely. They issued me a credit, not a refund, due to their error. They tried to sell me on a “pre-sale” where I’d get “priority access” for tickets later this season. When I told them anything less than a refund was unacceptable, they told me I could “apply” for one starting April 30 (with no apparent guarantee that I’ll get one).

    I want to tell this team to stick their “pre-sale” where the sun doesn’t shine (they essentially stole my money, and not a small amount), but my father told me not to be angry about this, that this is just typical corporate America, and to try for a game later this season. I might need a reality check. Taking any threat of COVID out of the equation — if you were me, what would you do in this situation?

    1. Mstr*

      Did you pay with a credit card? Can you open a dispute with them saying the tickets were not received/issued?

    2. Colette*

      I’d escalate. They sold you something they can’t deliver; you should get a refund (even if you turn around and use it to buy more tickets.

    3. Baseball Fan*

      This happened to a bunch of baseball season ticket holders last year. I believe most teams reversed course after bad publicity.

      I’d start with social media — tweet at the team and politely ask for assistance.

      If that doesn’t work, go to your credit card — explain the situation and file a charge back.

      1. bunniferous*

        YES! Twitter is the absolute best to get things resolved. Don’t forget to use hashtags too along with the team twitter account.

        1. Shoeless Joe*

          Unfortunately, I deleted my Twitter account a few months ago, because I figured out that certain aspects of Twitter just freaked the heck out of me. But Twitter does have a few positives, and that’s certainly one.

    4. CTT*

      That is really frustrating; I agree with the others to reach out on social media and to dispute the charge with your credit card company. I know they’re dealing with a lot with organizing seating amid COVID, but that is a crappy and shady business practice. (Also, if the team was the Red Sox, FSG is already in a horrible publicity cycle this week with the Liverpool/European Super League kerfuffle, so all the more reason to go on social media with it).

    5. Blue Eagle*

      Disclaimer – hubs and I are sports fans. Yes, this is a frustrating situation but if I were you my questions would be – do I plan to take my Dad to another MLB game this season? If no, then OK, I get that you want your money back.
      If yes, then why are your panties in a knot? Just use the credit for the next game. Heck, our university asked us to defer the money we paid for 2020 season football tickets to the 2021 season rather than refunding it to us and we did so.
      Plus, do you ever want to buy tickets from them again? Do you think that telling them to “stick it where the sun don’t shine” will get them to say “oh, so sorry Joe, we’ll get the money back to you immediately” or will they say “ok Joe, you are now on our ‘in the future do not sell to this guy’ list”.

      1. Shoeless Joe*

        I think that’s a pretty unkind response, honestly, but I realize now that I left out an important detail as to why my “panties are in a knot.” The team pulled this same trick in 2020, I asked for a refund, and after weeks of telephone tag I never got it. The credit was instead carried over to this season. To answer your question, either outcome you mention would be acceptable to me.

        Re: a charge back, I already paid the bill this charge appeared on, so not sure it’s still disputable. Also, the credit card company is a major sponsor of Major League Baseball so I assume the company is on board with this. But I am willing to try it anyway if I’m not approved for a refund.

        1. pancakes*

          You should still be able to dispute the charge, since you didn’t receive what you paid for. I’d start there.

          I’m not following your dad’s logic that typical = not a worthy thing to be angry about. If anything, it’s more angering that something irritatingly unfair and one-sided is expected to be endured without complaint.

          1. Shoeless Joe*

            My father has had real problems with anger management through his life. To his great credit, he’s worked hard on it over the years and it’s no longer an issue. In cases like this, he might have overcorrected too far! But on the other hand, rereading the tone of my post and my initial response to Blue Eagle, maybe it’s passed on to me. Something for me to think about…

            1. pancakes*

              Ah, that makes sense. I’d be angry about this too, though, especially if it had happened before.

        2. The Other Dawn*

          Check what the dispute timeframe is. It’s usually on the back of the statement. If I remember correctly, it typically says you have 45-60 days after you receive the bill to dispute the charge, regardless of whether you paid it or not.

          1. Shoeless Joe*

            Thank you. I’ll take a look at the dispute timeframe and see what it says. I guess I’ve been pretty lucky so far in my life — have never really disputed any charges.

        3. Blue Eagle*

          Ah, your reaction makes more sense now. If the team pulled a fast one on you last year and then did it again this year I’d be super frustrated too. And while not necessarily changing my answer about it, I would definitely have been more kind in my response. My apologies!

          1. Shoeless Joe*

            No worries! That was an important detail to leave out, and I did ask for a reality check…

        4. Lawyer But Not That Kind of Lawyer*

          Look at the laws in the country you are located. In the UK and Canada there are laws regarding getting a refund back on your credit card if “the goods or services were not rendered”. You bought tickets for a specific date, they are unable to allow you to attend for the specific date. The services were not rendered. You did not by a lifetime investment into tickets to the game at some point into the future. File a refund request with your credit card. First step they will ask is if you tried to reach out to them, you did, they stalled. Note, the postponed date by the team may make it so that you may miss the allowed deadline to request this type of refund by your credit card company. I have had to do this twice when I was getting jerked around on a refund by a company. (Once in the UK, and once in Canada)

      2. Observer*

        If yes, then why are your panties in a knot?

        Because the team has no business trying to force the issue. The customer gets to decide if and when they want a ticket, NOT the team.

        or will they say “ok Joe, you are now on our ‘in the future do not sell to this guy’ list”.

        Puleeze. Unless Shoeless actually threatens someone or does something equally ridiculous, the team is NOT going to ban them. If they did that, it would an forced error with the potential for a really bad PR backlash.

    6. The Other Dawn*

      I agree with others to take to social media and if it’s not fixed, dispute the charge with the credit card company/bank.

      This now has me wondering about a concert I have planned for July. It was rescheduled from last August. I’m traveling out of state for it to Hershey, PA, and right now there are capacity limits. If those are still in place AND the tour still happens, I have no idea how they will chose which ticketholders can attend and which ones can’t. And for those they say can’t attend, do people get a refund? A future credit? Good question.

    7. Llellayena*

      Check elliott dot org. They have guidelines on how to pursue companies for refunds when they’re being stubborn. I’m not sure you’ll have much luck with a chargeback though, the time to request might be past (depending how recently you bought the tickets) and part of it is that you need to try to resolve with the company first. You’re probably better off appealing to someone higher up the food chain. Honestly though, if you do plan to go to a game later in the season and don’t need the money to cover bills or something in the interim, I’d probably let them do the credit. I might pursue a refund if you’re not planning to go back until next season, but short term should be ok.

      1. Decidedly Me*

        Chargebacks are frequently successful, usually unfairly so (not saying it’s unfair here!). I’ve responded to chargebacks for companies, have shown multiple pieces of proof that the chargeback is invalid, and the bank/card still sides with the customer (who is their customer, of course). Trying to resolve it with the company first is needed, but no one enforces that.

    8. CatCat*

      If a refund is what you want, go through the normal customer service channels to dispute. Go ahead and “apply for a refund” on April 30.

      If the refund does not happen, you’ve basically done all you can through normal channels. Time for an Executive Email Carpet Bomb to get help higher up the chain. Here’s an article about what it is and how to do it: https://www.nytimes.com/2017/05/05/your-money/the-best-consumer-self-advocacy-tool-youve-never-used.html?referringSource=articleShare

      I’ve had to do it exactly once in my life and it 100% worked.

      1. PersephoneUnderground*

        I wouldn’t wait on their timeline if it might take you outside the window for a chargeback though. In fact the cynic in me wonders if the refund process is designed to drag things out for just that purpose, to make it too late to dispute. Just do the chargeback now, you already tried to address it with the company plenty.

    9. LQ*

      Honestly, I’d take the pre-sale. I’d maybe even try for a soft sell about this is about taking my father to a game and how the last year has shown you that he may not have that many left and it’s really important to get a gauranteed seat.

      I think part of this is how much fight do you have in you? If you’ve got a lot? Escalate it, fight it but don’t walk away. If you don’t have a lot, take the pre-sale.

      Is it about being right? Or getting to see a game with your dad? (And it’s ok to say it’s about doing what’s right and you’re going to take your dad to a minor league game or drive somewhere instead!)

    10. Artemesia*

      When my flights to Paris were cancelled a year ago it took a lot of aggressive action on my part to finally get refunded. Once they have your money they will do all they can to keep it even if they are not providing the service. Keep bugging them.

    11. Dumpster Fire*

      I’d contact the team and see if you can make a deal – that you won’t splash their bad business practices all over social media if they’ll provide you with BETTER seats than you had originally purchased, maybe on or about Father’s Day, and perhaps some team swag for good measure. If that doesn’t work, maybe tweet at your dad’s favorite player and tell him what happened, tagging the team and MLB for good measure.

    12. miyeritari*

      i don’t think there’s any reason to get angry at the person talking to you – they didn’t make the rule, and they just work there. you can say politely that you think this is unfair, because it is, and they can take that to their boss, but getting angry at the person on the phone doesn’t really do anything for you OR the person on the phone.

      i think this system sucks and you’ve got a right to be pissed, but being the cynic that i am, and having been buying baseball tickets for 15 years, it is not at all a surprise to me that they were shitty to you about it. (i find that sporting events are notoriously shitty with refunds in my experience.)

      since i typically attend 20-30 games year myself, i would just be like “this sucks but i will just get some tickets for later.”

      i don’t think you’re in the wrong for looking for a refund. if you’re looking to get your money back you can:
      1) apply for a refund with their policy. you might win, you might lose.
      2) chargeback/dispute with your credit card. (i deal with these at work a lot.) you have a pretty good chance to win, but there’s always a possibility that the team no longer accepts that payment method becuase there’s a dispute lodged on it. also, while you do have a strong (70% in my professional experience) chance to win, getting the money back can take 3-4 months.

    1. Teapot Translator*

      I tried tempeh this week. Not a big fan. I also tried extra-firm tofu again and I think it’s just not for me? Next time I buy tofu, I’ll buy the firm kind.
      Do you have easy recipes to recommend for tofu? I’m particularly looking for recipes where I cook the vegetables and the tofu together because I’m trying to increase how much vegetables I eat and it’s easier to add noodles, pasta or rice after than vegetables.
      I did see a recipe for ramen, but it’s a long recipe and I don’t have the bandwidth right now.

      1. mreasy*

        Hi! With tempeh, it is vastly improved by marinating or cooking in a sauce for 30 minutes or so – or it does keep a lot of bitterness. (I love to marinate in soy then pan-fry, or I put it in stews – though not great with tomato in my experience.) my favorite tofu use is to press it, slice it up, marinate, spray or brush with olive oil, then bake, as its relatively low-maintenance but gives it a much more appealing texture (pan-frying also great of course, like frying always is I guess). Cooks Illustrated had a great tofu stir fry recipe that had you press, cube, then coat the cubes with cornstarch before pan frying in the hot oil on all sides – very crispy edges in that style that were tasty. In general I like to cook the tofu by itself before the veg for a stirfry to avoid it soaking up too much moisture from the veggies. Good luck.

      2. Teatime is Goodtime*

        What kind of tempeh did you try? I disliked the black bean one (super funky), but liked white bean and lupin. I don’t remember what I thought of the soybean one.

        1. Teatime is Goodtime*

          By coincidence we had some soybean tempeh this evening: it was good! Though I think I like lupin or white bean better, they had a better texture.

        2. Teapot Translator*

          I think I had one with red peppers? Next time I go to the organic store, I’ll see if they have other types. My local supermarket doesn’t have a lot of choice.

      3. Ali G*

        If you press the tofu for a while to dry it out and then cut it into chunks, you can just roast it along with a bunch of veggies. I would do broccoli, small potatoes, and onion.

        2. Marillenbaum*

          I also like to dust the chopped tofu with cornstarch, spices, and a little bit of oil–it gets beautifully crispy in the oven, even if it’s on the same sheet pan as the vegetables!

          1. pancakes*

            A light dusting of cornstarch is very good this way. It also helps make chopped and roasted sweet potato crispy.

      4. crookedglasses*

        For the best texture on tofu, I’d cook it and the veggies separately. If you cook them together, they’ll just end up steaming each other.

        I usually slice up the tofu into pieces that are ~1/2″ thick and quickly press the water out. Then I cook over med-high heat until each side is golden brown.

        I pull the tofu out, set it on a plate, and then cook the veggies. I’ll toss the tofu back in when I’m ready to sauce/season towards the end. (You could flip the order on those to cook the veggies first and then the tofu, and that would be fine too.)

        So far as recipes go, I’ve been making some spring rolls lately! I make mine with fried tofu, cucumbers, carrots, and cilantro along with bean thread noodles. They come together pretty quickly, but it would go even faster if you pre-gamed slicing up some veggies and frying up the tofu.

        1. Teapot Translator*

          That’s what the recipe I followed said to do! Cook tofu, take it out, cook veggies, put tofu back in at the end.
          This falls in the “cook everything together” category. Then, I just use some rice or noodles to complete the meal.

      5. violet04*

        I’ve seen tofu recipes on Pinch of Yum, but haven’t tried any myself. I want to because I would like to incorporate more meatless meals into my recipe rotation.

      6. AcademiaNut*

        I like tofu, but the extra firm stuff is my least favourite variety – I find it kind of rubbery.

        My favourite tofu recipes are ones that cook tofu as tofu, rather than using it as a meat substitute, so leaning towards East Asian recipes, where tofu is a normal ingredient, not a meat substitute. The silken tofu is very good in soups – I did an egg drop soup recently with chicken broth, tomato wedges, leafy greens, green onion, ginger, soy sauce, cubed silken tofu, and the egg. Kimchi stew with silken tofu and cabbage and thinly sliced pork. Miso soup with vegetables and silken tofu. Chanpuru is an Okinawan stirfry with vegetables, meat and tofu – the version with bitter melon and spam is excellent.

        There’s a Japanese vegetable preparation called shiraee, in which medium tofu is pressed to remove some of the liquid, mashed with ground sesame seeds, miso and ginger, and used as a sauce for lightly cooked vegetables. It’s delicious!

        One of my favourite easy and vegetable/tofu heavy meals is hot pot. You can buy a table-top unit with gas canisters, or assemble it on the stove and cook all together. Heat the broth, then cook thinly sliced meat, cubed tofu, mushrooms, whatever vegetables you want (cabbage, sliced carrots, corn on the cob sections, baby corn, green beans, snow peas, broccoli, leafy greens, daikon, onion, green onion, tomatoes), dumplings, fishpaste, etc. When they’re cooked fish them out, dip in sauce and eat. You can drink some of the flavour soaked broth at the end, or cook noodles (udon, ramen) in it to finish. There are lots of broth options from simple (water or a light broth), to complex (mala hot pot), and it’s a great way to use up random vegetables at the end of the week, with minimal effort or cleanup.

      7. Emma2*

        If you want something super fast – you could buy smoked tofu. It is essentially pre-flavoured (flavouring can differ a lot between brands – some I like, some I hate). Roast the tofu spread out on a tray with veg, and then serve with a base of lettuce, quinoa, or something else and top with a dressing (I often use the ginger lemon tahini dressing from Minimalist Baker).
        My current favourite tofu dish is an Indonesian recipe, but is not an all-in-one dish, but is something I will prep then use during the week. While this may sound a bit involved – it is really a matter of quickly processing some ingredients the popping everything in a pan that you just need to check on every now and then – it does not take a lot of active engagement; I will get it going then leave it on the stove while I do other things.
        You extract 1 t tamarind pulp in 3 T warm water. After 10-15 minutes, pour the mixture through sieve and press to extract all the pulp.
        Grind 2 T coriander seeds. Then process ground coriander with tamarind extract, 2 cloves garlic, 2 chopped shallots, about 1-inch of galangal, sliced (or sub a smaller amount of ginger), 2 T kecap manis (you can find suggested subs online), 2 T palm sugar (or sub dark brown sugar – probably use a bit less for brown sugar as it is likely to have finer crystals); 1 c water. You want the mixture to be fairly well pureed.
        Put the marinade in a large sauté pan; add 1 lb tofu (I cut the tofu into large pieces about 1/2 inch thick). Bring to a simmer, reduce heat and simmer gently, uncovered. Turn the tofu from time to time so both sides get well-marinaded. Let it simmer for 30-45 minutes until there is no liquid left. As you get towards the end, keep an eye on it so the tofu does not stick to the pan. This is the point at which I stop – I let the tofu cool then pop it in containers in the fridge.
        When you want to serve the tofu, either deep fry or pan fry it so the sides get crispy.
        I usually serve with a rice and one or more veg dishes, but this tofu could also be used in sandwiches (have not done it yet, but I think this would work really well in banh mi), and would go well in a stir fry with veg and noodles.

    2. Lilo*

      I’ve been making a lot of muffins because my picky 2 year old seems to prefer things in muffin form.

      I’m trying to find good crispy veggies recipes. He’s also in a heavy crispy/texture phase.

      2. HannahS*

        Smitten Kitchen has a lot of shallow-fried fritter recipes, from when her kid was in a similar phase.

      3. Joan Rivers*

        Also, you can bake meatloaf in a muffin tin. And probably a lot of other things, including macncheese or scalloped potatoes. The size probably is nice for a kid.

        1. DarthVelma*

          I have done this. Several years back I did a meal for my partner’s birthday where everything was in cupcake form. Meatloaf cupcakes with mashed potato “frosting”. Mac and cheese cupcakes. And key lime cupcakes with key lime cream cheese frosting for dessert. And yes, I tinted the mashed potatoes bright green to match the key lime frosting on the actual cupcakes.

          Everything is better in cupcake form. :-)

      4. Teatime is Goodtime*

        Ahhh two year olds… I’m lucky that mine is great with food in general, but shape and especially dish-type seems to be important at the moment, too. But that’s a moving target, so like today will be bowls and then tomorrow it has to be that plate (and only that plate) and then the next day the fruit needs to be uncut and the day after that cut AND peeled…

        1. Lilo*

          His old favorites also get rejected, like meatballs and quesadillas, both of which I hid spinach in previously. It’s also so hard not to give in at dinner because you’re already so darn tired by then.

          1. Charlotte Lucas*

            I have Esther Brody’s 500 Best Muffin Recipes. (Won in a raffle years ago.) It includes both sweet & savory muffins, including ones with vegetables in them. It’s a great book if you’re looking for a wide variety of muffins.

            I still love muffins as much as I did when I was 2, & I’m middle-aged now. (I prefer bready traditional muffins to cakey coffeeshop muffins.)

    3. Texan In Exile*

      I have a huge deadline at work that depends on VPs reviewing and approving my materials and I have never met them and we got them the materials late because this is the first time we have done this thing and they haven’t responded and if they don’t like it we won’t have time to re-work and I’m not sleeping well and I got up at 6:00 a.m. after being awake since 4:00 a.m. and thought I might as well make chocolate cake and hey why don’t I use this bag of coconut flour that we got for $1 from the bargain counter at Fleet Farm two years ago and I am just going to proceed on my merry way without checking to see if coconut flour is different from wheat flour in any way.

      TLDR For every one cup of wheat flour, you’re supposed to use only 1/3 cup of coconut flour.

      So I had chocolate – something. But it tastes great with ice cream.

    4. Ali G*

      Tonight I am making clams with a spicy lamb sausage sauce. I don’t like pork (except for bacon and the occasional loin) so my husband doesn’t get sausage. The lamb is a compromise! I am going to make garlic butter to slather French bread for dipping.

      1. Joan Rivers*

        I’m sauteeing a lamb chop in garlic and rosemary w/leftover Au Gratin Potatoes w/Carrots, Onions, and Fat Pea Pods. Very soupy dish.

    5. violet04*

      I made some good recipes this week! I don’t love to cook, but I’m glad I made myself do some meal planning for the week.

      Spaghetti with hidden vegetable pasta sauce – Budget Bytes
      Sweet potato corn and black bean tacos – Cooking Classy
      Thai pork salad – Budget Bytes – although I use ground turkey instead of pork

      One day, my husband spotted a Cousins Maine Lobster food trunk in our town and we treated ourselves to some yummy lobster rolls.

      It’s going to be warm next week, so I’m going to look for things to grill.

    6. Princess Deviant*

      I made the most amazing BBQ jackfruit. It was delicious the next day also in a toasted sandwich with vegan mayo. Definitely making it again.
      I’ve also discovered a vegan chocolate mug cake, in the microwave. It takes less than 2 minutes to cook… Which is both good and bad!

    7. MsChanandlerBong*

      I’m a bit disappointed with a new Delish recipe I tried last night. You take chicken breasts, cut several slits in them, and fill the slits with a mixture of cream cheese, artichokes, spinach, salt, pepper, and red pepper flakes, then add a little bit of bacon and top with mozzarella. I had high hopes, but the dish was extremely underwhelming. The first problem is that the mozzarella got really brown and melted into one piece that fell off the chicken as soon as you cut into it. The second problem is that the flavor was very uneven. If you managed to get a bite with the spinach filling, it was okay (although still quite bland); otherwise, it lacked flavor and was just a disappointment overall. If I made it again, I would brush the mixture all over the chicken instead of just cutting slits and putting the filling in them, and I would also add the mozzarella 15 minutes or so before the end of the cook time so it didn’t get all brown and stuck together. I would probably also add garlic to the filling for a little more flavor.

      This week’s menu is roasted chicken, taco salad, honey mustard chicken, Santa Fe chicken, honey-brushed cumin chicken, and oven-fried chicken with various side dishes (mashed sweet potatoes, brown rice, roasted carrots, etc.). I’ve made all of them before, so at least I know we like them!

    8. Chantel*

      Crockpot minestrone soup, and vegan sloppy joes using red lentils as the base!

      Plus two salads: cucumbers, tomatoes, and onions, marinated in a vingegary dressing, and which I could eat all day; and a mayo-less cole slaw with red and green cabbages, green pepper, onion, vinegar-based dressing, to which I add bleu cheese crumbles for tang.

      1. Ethyl*

        Ooh I haven’t made lentil sloppy joes in forever and now I think I absolutely must do so as soon as possible.

  19. Birthday gift*

    What is your favorite birthday gift you’ve bought for yourself?

    I usually like to treat myself to something small but not really drawn to anything this year

    1. Lilo*

      I got myself a subscription to a chocolate and a book box. I might consider something like that, one of those boxes where you get something. It takes some of the mental selection energy off of you and it usuallycomes nicely wrapped. The downside is not all the books were really great or they might send you something you already have.

      1. Mary Lynne*

        I just discovered subscription boxes – I love them! Every possible budget and every possible topic or kind. Chocolate, science fiction, gardening, crafts, international or regional snacks, decorative, learning, inspirational, and thousands 0f “self care” – beauty, lotions, candles, etc in fun curated little boxes. Many are a good value compared to if you got the items yourself, and you can get just one box to see if it’s for you. Most are a little cheaper per box if you subscribe for a period of time. Cratejoy has thousands to look at. Since they’ve gotten popular there are some sketchy ones that have popped up so look at reviews and see how long they’ve been around. Whatever you do, I hope you treat yourself and have fun!

      3. MissCoco*

        Sticker subscription for me! So silly and unnecessary, but pretty affordable, and it turns out my inner child was absolutely delighted by an envelope of stickers and stationery every month! I did it for not quite a year, but just the other day was fondly flipping through my little collection to add to a note for a friend.

        If there is some small thing that always makes you grin, I highly recommend finding a subscription box for it.

    2. Blue Eagle*

      Last year I took my stimulus money and bought a stand-up paddleboard that I used all last summer. I’m grateful that someone asked the question on this forum last June and reported their satisfaction with the SUP they purchased. I purchased the same SUP and had a blast last summer. Happy Birthday!

    3. Pregnant during COVID*

      A splurge-y brand of skincare products to celebrate a milestone birthday (and hopefully ward off future signs of aging, ha!). It feels so luxe using them every day.

    4. bunniferous*

      I bought myself one of those Instant Pot blenders that both blend AND cook (they heat too!) You can make soups in them! I love kitchen gadgets!

    5. Skeeder Jones*

      Some years I’ve bought some fancy chocolate, other years I’ve bought some jewelry or art off of Etsy. I love to buy from Etsy because then I get something unique and I get to support working artists. Since I’m moving soon, I went the chocolate route this year since that disappears as I eat it and I don’t have to pack it!

    6. twocents*

      This may sound ridiculous, but my birthday is in the summer. I go to the state fair, early in the morning before it’s crowded. and enjoy a coffee and a giant chocolate chip pancake. It’s oddly soothing to just be quietly outside with a treat I never otherwise eat.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        It doesn’t sound odd to me at all. In non covid times, a favorite thing is to go to the beach and walk along the docks with a soft serve ice cream but I just don’t want any place else.

    7. Happy Birthday!*

      When I turned 35 I went to a bookstore and bought all the children’s books I had loved that somehow had disappeared over the years. I still have them and read them every year and it’s a joy.

      1. Sleeping Late Every Day*

        I’ve been gathering and re-reading childhood favorites, too. And as a bonus, I’ve discovered some I missed out on during my first childhood.

    8. WoodswomanWrites*

      I’m a fan of giving myself experiences in nature for my birthday. Except for one year with a scheduling challenge, for many years I’ve spent my birthdays traveling to a beautiful national or state park, usually deliberately alone. One year I booked myself a stay at the historic lodge at Mt. Rainier, other times I’ve camped in the California redwoods, etc.

    10. allathian*

      I usually buy myself some luxury chocolate for my birthday. In the shopping mall near my office, there’s a chocolatier who makes handmade chocolates. Next year I’m getting some of those for my 50th birthday.

    12. Squidhead*

      Some retro bowls from eBay! They’re a discontinued pattern and shape I really like, and I saw them in a thrift shop and passed them up and have since regretted it. They weren’t expensive, and now they are our go-to ice cream bowls. (P.S. Happy Birthday OP, whenever it rolls around!)

  20. Sled dog mama*

    So I happened to scroll all the way down the page and as I was scrolling back up it caught my eye that Alison has 79 posts in the “The Plague” category.
    Anyone else astonished at how low that seems?

    1. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

      Now that you mention it, yeah. It feels like I’ve seen little else in the last year.

      1. EvilQueenRegina*

        I wonder if maybe there were some posts that could have had the tag but for whatever reason it wasn’t added to them?

    3. AnonInCanada*

      Let’s hope we won’t see too many more plague posts. I’m sure we’ve all heard enough of them. And please get vaccinated the moment you get your chance to. That’ll end this once and for all once we reach herd immunity and we can go back to doing the things we enjoy.

    4. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I’ll bet that items with that #are from early 2020, before we accustomed to life with pandemic.

    5. Kiwiapple*

      The majority of covid q’s are in the 5 question posts OR open threads which aren’t tagged.
      I wish they weren’t tagged with ‘the plague’ personally but ‘covid’ but it’s not my blog.

  21. mreasy*

    Has anyone successfully treated female hair loss? I think my hair is thinning in the front, though I am not 100% sure, and most of the treatments seem like expensive scams. Minoxidil seems like the only real option but it sounds like you can never stop once you start using it? Any stories or suggestions are very welcome.

    1. mreasy*

      I recognize the irony of this post in the context of saying that I have liked aging up above, but it’s true! Lol

      1. ....*

        lol well you can like being older and not want thinning hair! I think minodoxil or whatever it’s called has the most clinical studies to actually back it up.

    2. Dwight Schrute*

      Stuff You Should Know did a recent episode on hair loss and they talk about treatments! Might be worth a listen

    3. Frankie Derwent*

      Same but I think mine is due to PCOS. Exercise is supposed to help since it lowers the testosterone levels but I can’t really tell. I just sort of accepted that my hair is definitely thinner an my hairline has receded a bit (and I’m not even 30!). I’ve decided to avoid rebond, perms and heat-treatment as much as I can.

    4. Dark Macadamia*

      I asked a similar question a month or two ago and here’s some of the suggestions people had:

      Supplements – vitamin D, biotin, collagen (takes a long time to see results and likely to only help if your hair loss is due to a deficiency, although it won’t hurt)

      Doctor – potential issues are genetic, thyroid, iron deficiency, PCOS (good to catch underlying causes sooner rather than later)

      You do have to continue taking Rogaine to maintain results, and some people said you end up with pretty wispy, different texture hair than what you naturally grow

    5. Yellow Warbler*

      I tracked my hair thinning around the forehead to tretinoin use. Turns out it both increases vellus hairs (on the cheeks, upper lip, and jaw) and thins the actual head hair at the same time.

        1. Yellow Warbler*

          I have gotten diligent about slugging my eyebrows and hairline, and about “centering” the tret more and keeping it away from the edges. It is known to spread, so hopefully it will still give good coverage over time. Too soon to tell if it’s helping.

    6. Tbubui*

      I started experiencing female hair loss 4 years ago, when I was 20. I finally got an appointment with a dermatologist (love Canadian wait times for healthcare) and she put me on spironolactone. It’s technically a blood pressure medication but it’s not that effective for blood pressure management (per my dermatologist). However, one of the off-label uses is for female hair loss. I’ve been taking it for six months and my hair loss has dramatically improved. I’m not shedding a million hairs a day and I’m actually experiencing new growth and hair thickness.

      Most hair loss treatments do require continuous use, both for men and women. Once you start a course of treatment, you do have to stay on it. That’s true for spironolactone as well as Minoxidil.

      Obviously you should talk to a doctor about this since they’ll be able to walk you through some options and work with you to see what course of treatment is appropriate for you.

    7. MissCoco*

      My mother uses minoxidil, has had great results, and regrets not starting it sooner.
      She likes the style you drop onto your scalp (not the mousse), and buys the men’s concentration from Costco.
      You can stop using it, it’s just that your hair loss will re-start. I don’t know of any curative treatments for hair loss aside from I guess hair plugs? Or treating underlying causes if hair loss is related to other health conditions.

      For probably the first year, it was quite noticeable if she stopped for more than a few days, but now she’s been using it a few years and regained an impressive amount of thickness, so she can stop for a week or two without any noticeable loss, more than that and she does have to start parting her hair strategically.

    8. WS*

      The first thing to do is get a medical checkup. Hair loss in women can be just genetics and bad luck, but it can also be an early sign of medical problems. I lost a lot of hair with hypothyroidism – I didn’t really notice at the time because I was so sick that it was the least of my concerns, but looking back at photos, it’s really visible.

    9. Anon for this one*

      ask your dermatologist about taking spironolactone (aldactone is the brand name)! it’s worked well for me! I take 100 mg per day and it’s definitely increased my growth and stopped me from losing more hair.

  22. FD*

    One small ray of sunshine in all this is that I’ve been learning new skills this last year. My dad’s been teaching me some basic woodworking and I’ve been slooooowly learning to sew.

    I just dropped my sewing machine–an absolute BEAST, a Sears Kenmore from the early 60s that I swear must weigh 50 pounds and that I got from Goodwill for $6.99–off at the repair shop to have the zig-zag stitch fixed.

    Have you learned any new skills? If so, what have you learned and what have you made with the new skill?

    1. Teatime is Goodtime*

      Sewing on a serger! I’ve done quilts on a normal sewing machine, so although I knew some about sewing already, this was a bit of a learning curve. I’m seeing mainly jersey fabrics at the moment, so stretchy stuff that’s harder (but not impossible) to sew on a normal sewing machine. I’ve done lots of baby and toddler pants, covered rocking chair cushions and I’m on to tshirts for me and my child at the moment. It’s fun, though I tend to think things should take a shorter amount of time than they do.

      I also started a sourdough culture which has been fun but also sometimes a bit frustrating. I need to do a lot more work, which means eating a lot of bread… Shucks.

      I’d love to learn woodworking! Alas I do not have the space or time for it right now, but someday…

    2. Texan In Exile*

      I got my Singer out last weekend! My dad gave it to my mom as a wedding present in 1963. It still works.

    3. Elf*

      I managed to snag a used trumpet and violin, and am teaching myself both! We’ve also started making all our own yogurt (we go through about a gallon a week).

    4. Dark Macadamia*

      I mentioned above on the “new obsessions” thread, but I’m learning more embroidery and also doing a lot of mending. My most ambitious project so far is going to be embellishing a plain tank top using a vintage embroidery pattern from the 1880s (ferns and flowers)!

      I also tried making a bookshelf nook that has kind of been more trouble than it’s worth. I wanted to include a battery-operated light fixture but the first one I ordered got canceled after a month of “in transit” and the second ended up being wired so I had to return it. Still looking for a third option so I can finish it!

      1. FD*

        That’s really cool! I find embroidery painful due to a shoulder problem; one of these days, I might see if I can build myself a rig to hold it up at a better angle for my particular body.

    5. Imprudence*

      I’m teaching myself calligraphy. Not sure why, but the intense focus needed, which I can sustain for about 20 minutes, is a welcome distraction from every day worries.

    6. Squeebird*

      I enrolled in an ASL course over Zoom. I probably wouldn’t have traveled to the neighbouring city to take it in person, so I do file it under the “things I would not have done if COVID wasn’t a thing”!

    7. Skeeder Jones*

      I learned paper quilling, something I’d been wanting to try for a long time and it was much easier than I expected. I also reached deep into my past and pulled out some embroidery skills from 7th grade. I have been making my own wall art and I love it. What I like about embroidery is that it doesn’t take up a ton of space and I can work on projects from anywhere.

    8. Colette*

      I’ve learned to build online escape rooms (out of necessity – one of the major fundraisers for my Girl Guide travel group is escape rooms, and we can’t do them in person any more!) And I did a bunch of online paint Nite-type events earlier in the pandemic. I got a ukulele kit for Christmas, and I had a great time painting it but haven’t actually learned to play.

    9. Bubble Teacher*

      I learned to knit socks and I’m trying to learn Gaelic. Should I ever pull an Outlander and get pulled back to 1740s Scotland, I will be prepared (j/k).

  23. nep*

    Best balsamic vinegar for salads?
    I’ve never had balsamic vinegar. I’m intrigued and I’d like to try a few different kinds (and decrease the olive oil I consume–currently I use lime + olive oil on salad). I’m not sure I’d like it, but I want to try.
    What balsamic vinegar do you like? How do you use it?

    1. Teapot Translator*

      I don’t know much about balsamic vinegar.
      My only recommendation is start small. The taste is stronger than lime and sometimes I overshoot and start coughing while eating my salad.

      1. nep*

        Good advice. Esp since I’m not used to eating any kind of vinegar…though I probably should work some in.

    2. nep*

      (Or now that I think about it, I guess the general use is balsamic with some oil for a salad–not on its own…)

      1. sagewhiz*

        Balsamic vinegar, like wine, can be very, very! expensive—the upper-priced ones are often used in desserts (as in topping strawberries). And yes, the vinegar is paired with a good olive oil for vignettes. Having tried numerous brands, my fave is Gia Russa Balsamic Vinegar of Modena, an Italian import. Since I don’t shop gourmet groceries, I know it should be readily available here in the States.

        1. nep*

          Thanks. Yeah, I was really getting things mixed up. For salad dressing balsamic would be an ingredient, not standalone.
          I have noticed (looking online) that the good stuff is pricey.

    3. The Other Dawn*

      How about flavored vinegars? You could totally eliminate the oil if you wanted to. Lots of specialty food stores, both in-person and online, sell them. You can also combine flavors. Last summer when I visited my cousin in PA we went to a shop that sells nothing but cooking oil and flavored vinegars. They suggested buying the pineapple vinegar and the coconut vinegar and then combining them to make a pina colada-type flavor. I did and it’s delicious. I use them for grilling chicken mostly.

      2. Kathenus*

        Totally seconding this – there’s a store near me called Vom Fass that has an amazing array of oils, vinegars, spirits, and some specialty food items. You can taste any of the oils and vinegars on site. I like things on the tart side so my two favorites, at the moment, are the pomegranate and passion fruit balsamics. I sometimes use them as salad dressing just on their own. For the oils, the lemon infused olive oil is amazing.

    4. pancakes*

      Avoid cheap brands, which are browned with sugar rather than aging. I’m really fond of the ones from Fiore in Maine, but otherwise mostly prefer a good Spanish sherry vinegar.

      1. nep*

        Thanks–that’s what I’ve seen. Look for grape must as first ingredient, and avoid ‘caramel color.’

    5. GoryDetails*

      I love balsamic vinegar! But, yeah, there are lots of different styles, not all suitable for the same purposes. I admit to keeping some inexpensive supermarket brands around for cooking – Pompeiian, I think, is my current one; I use it for mixing up salad dressing or marinades. But my favorite style is the high-end aged, syrupy version – which is pricey, but you only need a little at a time. Might be a good item to put on a wishlist for special-occasion gifts if you don’t want to spring for it yourself? I was gifted a little jug by good friends, and used it to drizzle over avocados or strawberries or thin slices of a good Parmesan cheese… marvelous!

      If you just want to try some, you might see if you have any local shops that offer tastings; local wine shops near me have offered tastings for varieties of olive oils and vinegars as well as wines.

    6. ImOnlyHereForThePoetry*

      I buy the store brand organic balsamic. I mainly use it to make salad dressings. ( about 1/4 cup vinegar, 1/6 cup canola oil, 1/6 cup olive oil, 1/2 tsp pepper, 1 tsp dried parsley or a little more if using fresh, 1/2 Tb real maple syrup-I use a cruet from Good Seasonings that has markings so I don’t really measure) this dressing is good on salads and also makes a great marinade for grilling shrimp, veggies, chicken and beef.

      Also adding a splash onto roasted veggies is really good.

    7. ThatGirl*

      Just a note, fat (aka oil) in your dressing helps you absorb the nutrients from the veggies! So you may want to reduce your dressing overall but I don’t think just plain vinegar is the best idea either taste or nutrition wise.

      1. Reba*

        I tell myself that olive oil is so good for you that it doesn’t count as a fat. (Also we need fat to live!)

        We keep a big jug of basic EVOO for cooking with or making dressings, and also buy smaller “splurge” ones for when we are really going to taste it, like for drizzling on things or dipping bread.

    8. lemon meringue*

      I like flavoured white balsamic vinegars. I used to live close to a fancy olive oil and balsamic vinegar shop, and it was the best. You could get all kinds of different flavours. I think the honey and ginger white balsamic was my favourite.

    10. Damn it, Hardison!*

      I like Lucini or Colavita balsamic vinegar, as far as supermarket brands. The higher end stuff is honestly lost on me. I’m come to prefer a good sherry vinegar after buying some for gazpacho. It’s a bit more subtle and less astringent than balsamic to my taste.

    11. Sopranistin*

      My favorite is from Napa Valley Naturals. It’s very thick and on the sweet side.
      I make a basic 3-2-1 salad dressing. 3 parts vinegar, 2 parts dijon mustard, 1 part maple syrup. Usually I cut it with some water.

    12. Not Australian*

      I found out (when I needed some in a hurry!) that you can actually make your own. I found a recipe online, and it was surprisingly easy – IIRC just ordinary vinegar and brown sugar heated together. You could maybe experiment with different recipes, and you don;t have to commit to a large quantity.

      1. ThatGirl*

        Just to be pedantic for a second, that may mimic the taste of balsamic vinegar but it’s not even close to the real stuff, which has a designation of origin label and can be very expensive.

  24. Blue Eagle*

    Reading thread
    What are you reading this week?
    I just finished Parnassus on Wheels that Alison recommended two weeks ago. A great read – and to quote one review from my local library’s website “C’mon, if someone showed up on your doorstep with a traveling wagon full of books, pulled by a horse named Pegasus, I bet you’d go too.” Although I was a little disappointed that the heroine didn’t go on a longer adventure in the traveling bookstore, but given that the book was written in 1915 – what can you expect. The interesting thing on the library’s copy of the book is that it was printed in 1955 and was gifted to the library in 1996. Usually they do not accept any gift items.
    Perhaps the only reason the library accepted this gift is because the book was about books?

    1. nep*

      Picked up Martha Gellhorn’s The Face of War from the library, but I’ve not started it yet.

    2. The Other Dawn*

      I’m reading No Man’s Land, the fourth book in David Baldacci’s John Puller series.

      I read this week that Robert McCammon just finished writing the next book in the Matthew Corbett series. I’m so excited for the next book, but I’m guessing it will take a while to be published (I have no idea how long that takes). It’s been so long since the last book, I can’t remember what happened so I’ll have to refresh my memory before the new one.

    3. bassclefchick*

      I just finished Romancing Mr. Bridgerton (Colin’s book). Now I’ve started Lover Unveiled (Black Dagger Brotherhood series by JR Ward). Clearly, I have varied tastes. I’m beyond excited for Go Tell the Bees I am Gone – the next Outlander book. But I have to wait until November for that one.

    4. WellRed*

      I’m trying to get into the latest VI Warshaski novel but it’s a bit shouty. The author introduced a niece in a recent book and brought her back and she’s annoying and emotional.

    5. Dr. Doll*

      Finally read “A Gentleman in Moscow” and found the Count equally delightful and exasperating, which seems to be how everyone else experienced him too, including his closest friends. For my other life I just picked up “Creating Wicked Students” which has a refreshingly non-eduspik tone.

      1. Teatime is Goodtime*

        A Gentleman in Moscow has been on my nightstand for months now…Thanks for the reminder!

      2. Marillenbaum*

        I adore A Gentleman in Moscow! Genuinely one of my favorites, and one thing I’m looking forward to in winter (ages away, I know) is searching out a recipe for the Latvian stew.

      3. Workerbee*

        I was inspired to pick up Gentleman, and I am loving it so far! Thanks for mentioning it, I don’t know if I would have come across it otherwise.

    6. GoryDetails*

      Lots of reading, as usual; some notable titles include:

      FIVE FORGET MOTHER’S DAY by Bruno Vincent, from a series of humorous parodies/homages to Enid Blyton’s “Famous Five” books; here, the kid-protagonists are grown up, living together in London, but still having wacky adventures. In this case George has managed to forget to give a present to her mother (Aunt Fanny, the aunt to the other three), and attempts to come up with the perfect gift for Mother’s Day; chaos and hilarity ensue.

      WORLD OF WONDERS by Aimee Nezhukumatathil: this one was on display at Barnes and Noble as their book of the year or some such thing, and I assumed it was a collection of nature essays about unusual plants and animals. And so it is, but with a lot more behind the essays – a mix of personal memoir, issues of conservation and racism, and some touching anecdotes. One of my favorite bits was when the author described her use of the corpse flower as a kind of test when dating; if a guy asked about her interests she’d describe the corpse flower and her travels in search of a blooming specimen, and his reaction would tell her whether a second date would be worthwhile or not.

      SNEEZE by Naoki Urasawa: this manga collects a number of short works by mangaka Urasawa, whose “Monster” and “20th Century Boys” and “Pluto” series are all awesome. The short works here range from visits to music festivals to a hilarious – and touching – tale of a kaiju otaku in a world where the kaiju really do hit Tokyo regularly, and have become a tourist industry in their own right.

      KNIGHTS CLUB: THE BURIED CITY: this is the third in a series of choose-your-own-adventure books for children, formatted as graphic novels, and with the “which path to choose” elements presented in the form of page numbers fitted in to the illustrations – for example, a scene of an alley with doorways, a horse trough, and a distant hillside might have numbers on each door and the trough and the hill. Sometimes the numbers are practically invisible, adding a “find the extra page number in this picture” aspect. I’ve enjoyed other volumes in the series and this one’s living up to my expectations.

    7. londonedit*

      I’m reading American Dirt by Jeanine Cummins for my next book club meeting. It’s a fast-paced read and I really didn’t know anything about the subject matter beforehand (people escaping from drug cartels in Mexico and trying to reach the US) so that’s interesting, and it definitely falls into the category of ‘book club books that I wouldn’t have picked myself’, which is good, but…it’s a LOT. Just relentless peril at this point, which I guess is exactly what would happen to characters in this situation, but it’s quite draining having them always being in danger of yet another awful thing happening.

      1. Homo neanderthalensis*

        Be aware that the author did little to no research on the matter and people who’re actually Mexican/Chicano have deeply criticized that book for it’s inaccuracy and stereotypical portrayal of Mexico/Mexicans. Google “Pendeja, You ain’t Steinbeck” for more info.

        1. londonedit*

          Thanks, I didn’t know that – interestingly the book has seemed ‘off’ to me for some reason, but having no clue about Mexico myself I wasn’t sure whether it was a legitimate concern!

    8. Decidedly Me*

      I finished The Ultimate Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adam’s, which was a fun and weird read, lol!

      I just started Anansi Boys by Neil Gaiman on recommendation by a friend.

    9. Dark Macadamia*

      I’ve had a lot of “meh, it’s fine” books lately, currently “The First Fifteen Lives of Harry August.” My favorites of the past month or two have been “Middlesex” and “The Sun is Also a Star”

    10. RagingADHD*

      I am very disgruntled about my library books. I recently discovered that Georgette Heyer also wrote mysteries, which I was very interested to try- 1930s detective stories are my favorite.

      I thought at first that maybe I was just suffering from pandemic screentime overload, that had ruined my attention span, so I kept plugging at them, hoping to get to the good part.

      Nope. Couldn’t do it. The two I checked out both became insufferable by Chapter Four. I just can’t put up with protagonists who are feckless idiots.

      These people were all stupider than Bertie Wooster, without the humor or self-awareness to counterbalance it. So disappointing!

      1. Joan Rivers*

        I just discovered the prolific Bill Bryson and enjoyed his ’92 travelogue of Great Britain. Reading the newer one now. Somehow a review gave me a distorted view of him so it took a long time to realize he’s so funny and informative. It’s always great to find someone w/lots of books.

        1. Teatime is Goodtime*

          I love Bill Bryson, but have found his newer books less good. I think there’s also a really big difference between his travel literature and his pop-history/science/other ones. I like both, but I can see how a review of one type vs. the other could be misleading. My favorites are In a Sunburned Country (his travels in Australia) for the one category and One Summer (Summer of 1927) for his other. I also enjoyed At Home and loved the one you’re reading. Glad you found him!

          1. Teatime is Goodtime*

            Correction: I meant the one you READ. I did not enjoy the newer nearly as much, unfortunately.

      2. OtterB*

        I had the same reaction back in late high school when I first discovered Heyer’s Regencies. Tried the mysteries too and just … couldn’t.

      3. Teatime is Goodtime*

        Oh no! I didn’t know she wrote mysteries, but it is good to know that they probably wouldn’t be my thing. I’m super picky with mysteries anyway.

    11. violet04*

      I’ve been working my way through the Cat in the Stacks mystery series by Miranda James. I think it falls under the cozy mysteries genre. Currently on book #10 which is called Six Cats a Slayin’.

    12. OtterB*

      I just finished Becky Chambers’s newest and, I understand, the last from her Wayfarers series, The Galaxy and the Ground Beyond. Her books are space opera with a heavy dose of kindness, and I love them for that. This one is very strongly character-driven and is about how we encounter each other, make connections across differences, and change.

      I am anxiously waiting for two more new science fiction to be released next week, Fugitive Telemetry, the new Murderbot book by Martha Wells, and Murder by Other Means, the second Dispatcher story by John Scalzi.

      Meanwhile, I am rereading James White’s Sector General series, science fiction about a huge multi-species hospital in space. It ticks the kindness box because the whole premise of the civilization is for interactions between species to be respectful and nonviolent. I started rereading because someone had said the misogyny put her off. It’s true, the misogyny is clearly there, especially in the earlier books (originally written in the 1950s) but it got better later, and I’m enjoying the rest of it enough to go “eh” and put it by.

      1. GoryDetails*

        I love the “Sector General” books! While it’s true that the series is biased re Earth females, it does get (a bit) better by the end (though there was still a lengthy scene about a recovering bunch of patients enjoying the sight of Pathologist Murchison in her swimsuit). But most of the series focuses on alien species for which gender – if it exists at all – has no bearing on capability, and there’s a lot of “it/they/them” terminology whenever the viewpoint is that of an alien, and I find it rather refreshing. The alien viewpoints of Earthlings’ odd attitudes towards gender differentials was also amusing – just another thing they had to get used to re those wacky Earth people…

        All the themes of learning to cooperate with lifeforms with wildly different shapes, sizes, needs, and communication methods – and some strong plots surrounding xenophobic characters and how to deal with them – were really solid, and the generally upbeat attitude was much appreciated.

        1. OtterB*

          I agree re the upbeat attitude. It’s one of the reasons I’ve found myself rereading the whole series. Also agree it got better about gender as it went along. As you commented, I noticed that the medical staff makes a point of referring to other species with “it” pronouns unless something specific to the reproductive system is involved. They point out that other species can’t always tell each other’s genders apart and it’s sometimes considered insulting to get it wrong, and they don’t care anyay.

          I did notice, which I didn’t the first time I read them and which would probably be different now, that there’s a strong hetero assumption about Earth-humans. Any of the males are presumed to be strongly attracted to the female Pathologist Murchison.

    13. Torrance*

      I started Norse Mythology by Neil Gaiman earlier this week and I’m really enjoying it (unsurprisingly, considering my love for nearly everything else he’s written). I’ve been curious about the Norse pantheon for a time and, as a pagan and a MCU fan, I feel it’s my duty to learn more about the real gods.

    14. Not Australian*

      Re-reading ‘Finding Everett Ruess’ by David Roberts, and finding I have even less sympathy for the subject than I had previously. The older I get, the sorrier I feel for the poor parents who just went on and on financing this boy’s adventures and unwillingness to grow up. I have nothing against him setting out to explore the world, but I really don’t see why he expected his parents to pay for it – and subsequently for some of the searches after he went missing, etc. etc. There has to be a line between indulging and over-indulging one’s kids, and if the money tap had been turned off sooner he might actually have settled down somewhere and made a living for himself.

    15. twocents*

      I’ve picked up The Fall of Koli by MR Carey, and I’m so excited to find out what happens at the end of the trilogy! I also picked up Mark Lawrence’s The Girl and the Mountain at the same time, though I will probably read that second since it’s only book 2 and book 3 isn’t due out until sometime next year I think.

    16. Seeking Second Childhood*

      C.L.Polk, The Midnight Bargain. I got hooked so quickly I had a ‘no don’t do it!’ reaction to a particular character decision that drives the plot … I’m dying to know where it goes but have to push past this point. (I have this reaction to much fiction, if I follow my typical pattern, I’ll be able to pick it back up next week.)

      1. I take tea*

        I know this reaction! I just hatehatehate when the plot depends on somebody doing something stupid and have left (or paused indefinitely) several books and TV-series because of it. It’s comforting to know I’m not the only one.

  25. anon24*

    Has anyone legally changed their name outside of marriage/divorce/adoption? I changed my last name when I got married and really regret it, but I don’t want to go back to my maiden name. I also hate my middle name (always have) and would really love to just change my whole name, first, middle, and last, but don’t know anything about the process except that it’s complicated. I’d love to hear from anyone who’s been through the process or looked into it.

    1. MuttIsMyCopilot*

      I have! It was very easy, but that may be dependent on where you are. After getting married, my spouse and I chose a new last name that’s from neither family, and they took the opportunity to switch first and last names (due to the inconvenience of going by their middle name their whole life).

      We spent half an hour talking to a family law lawyer who drafted the request and filed for us. It took a few weeks for a judge to approve, and that was that. It was around $300 for that, then we had to get several original copies of the decree and spend some time changing info at the Social Security office, DMV, and for insurance, bills, IRS, etc. Kind of a hassle, but nothing was actually difficult.

      1. Msnotmrs*

        Definitely not easy everywhere, unfortunately. I’m a librarian so I’ve helped people through the process several times, and to quote from our state supreme court’s website, “The procedure for legally changing your name is somewhat complicated.” And then they go on to strongly hint you should use a lawyer.

    3. pancakes*

      Yes, I changed my first and last name legally shortly after graduating college, when I finally had a job and some income. Dropped my middle name, which I’d never liked either. The process was probably a bit easier as that was pre-9/11, but I went to a lawyer and didn’t have to do much myself, besides rounding up all the essential documents for him. The process will vary a bit depending on where you live.

    4. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      It’s totally dependent on where you are.

      When I legally changed my first name in King County, Washington, I looked up the form on the county court website, printed it out, filled it in, went down the next day on my lunch break with a check for $75 to the daily docket, raised my hand and said “Yes sir, no sir, no sir, no sir, no sir,” and went back to work with my legal name change order. Nothing complex about it at all. That was back in like 2004 (geez) or so, but I looked the last time this question came up, within the last year, and that’s still the process for King County, except the fee is higher now.

      Other jurisdictions require you to post announcements in newspapers or such – your best bet is to google “(your county, state), name change” and see just how onerous it really is.

      The actual process of changing your name with places is also a lot easier than people like to make it sound. You’ll hear “order ten copies of your paperwork,” but that’s pretty outdated – I’ve changed various parts of my name six times through marriage, divorce and court order, and I’ve never ordered more than two copies and never needed more than one. The only place I actually had to send anything in was with my passport change and possibly with my TSA Pre-Check (I forget for sure on that one), and they returned it. Everybody else just needed to see the paperwork.

      1. Yellow Warbler*

        …so if you’re changing your name to get away from an abuser, in some places you have to announce it in the paper? That’s beyond stupid. You’d think the ACLU would be all over that.

        1. pancakes*

          I wouldn’t assume that in places where that’s a requirement, there’s no method to ask for special dispensation not to.

        2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          I dunno. I just looked up the rules for my current county of residence in Indiana, and the instructions say that you have to run a notice in the paper once a week for at least 3 weeks, and the last appearance has to be at least 30 days before your court date, but if you feel unsafe running the newspaper notice or having a public hearing, see page 8 for instructions. *flipflipflip* It looks like there’s additional paperwork you can file with the court to request that the public notice and the public hearing be waived and the public records be sealed, but the judge has to approve that. The example they give is someone changing their name for reasons of transgender status, because some people may not feel safe coming out publicly, so I would assume that hiding from an abuser would also be an acceptable reason?

          (I’m definitely glad I changed mine when and where I did though :P )

        3. Glomzarization, Esq.*

          In the jurisdiction where I practice, you can file a petition requesting that your name change be sealed and that you be exempt from the publication requirement. Reasons include things like trans people changing their names, minors taking the name of their adopted parent, and, yes, people who have left abusers.

      2. HBJ*

        To the last paragraph, yes. I did change my name when I got married, and I only ordered one certified copy of the marriage certificate. Many places only needed to see it, and a surprising number, including our bank, only needed to see a photocopy. The only place where it had to leave my hands was changing my passport, and they sent it back. So we just didn’t have the certificate for a few weeks. No big deal.

    5. AL*

      I have. I changed my first name a couple years after college. I always hated my first name (it was unpronounceable, had no meaning in my family, sounded ugly to me, and I already had an unusual last name). The process was easy (WA): you fill out paperwork and show up at court. I still remember the judge saying “I don’t blame you.” As I’m writing this, I realize I still harbor resentment towards my mother for trying to be different and giving me such a weird name- I think it was a big reason I was so shy as a child.

    6. Erin*

      I’ve worked as a volunteer with an organization that helps trans folks obtain legal name changes. The process is location-dependent, so you’ll need to find out what it takes in your county (if you are in the US). There is often a residency requirement (you may need to show that you’ve been living in the county where you’re filing for the name change for a certain amount of time). I would recommend looking in your county for online resources created for trans people – even though that’s not your reason for changing your name, you can find out the steps of the process there (and ignore the parts about changing your gender marker).

    7. RagingADHD*

      It really depends on your local system.

      My name change was due to marriage, and in the place I lived at the time, I was legally entitled to use any combination of the 4 names: 1st, middle, last, & new last. So I dropped my first name and made my maiden name into my middle name, had all my IDs reissued.

      But when we moved back to my home state, there was a recordkeeping conflict because my original driver’s license had been issued under OldFirst. So I had to get a court order, the same as if I were changing it completely.

      However, the process was quite straightforward: fill out a form at the courthouse, pay a modest fee, walk the form to another window, and get some certified copies made. I think the total cost was about $35 for the copies and all.

      I understand it can be more complex or expensive in other places. It all comes down to your local laws/requirements, and how busy or backlogged the courts are at the time.

    8. Undine*

      Just for laughs, I changed my name so long ago, I didn’t need a court order. Literally, I changed it on a whim. It was only my first and middle name, I’d been kinda joking about changing it, and I went to the DMV to get my first ID, and I checked some box that said I was changing my name by common usage and that was it.

      Everything else took my ID, or didn’t even ask for one. For some reason it took years to get it right on my passport (they changed the middle name, not the first one) and I only got that done about 5 years ago. That was a bit of a pain whenever I got a new job because I would have to insist they get me into the system in my real name.

      It never seemed to bother social security or anyone that there was a slight discrepancy. It must have helped that my new first name was a version of my old first name. But overall, nobody ever worried.

      It was also only a few years ago that I figured out that the fact that I didn’t have a copy of my consular report of birth abroad didn’t didn’t mean it didn’t exist and that I could get it by asking for a replacement and not having to jump through the hoops for the first time around.

      Things were harder to figure out before the internet, but way less regulated, too.

    9. Initial B (they/them)*

      I’m in the process right now in NC in the US- as everyone else has stated, it varies by location- and boy is it complicated! You have to get fingerprints done, get a background check from the state and federal FBI, and post an announcement in the town hall (though this can be waived if you have safety concerns), as an example of what I’m dealing with. You can also only do it once in your life excepting marriage/divorce/etc here. May you be in a place where it’s an awful lot simpler!

    10. Melody Pond*

      I changed my last name during the pandemic!

      I was already married, but had kept my original last name when I got married. But, I was never particularly attached to my original last name, plus I don’t have a great relationship with my dad. (He actually missed my wedding in favor of a vacation to Europe.) I changed it to my maternal grandfather’s last name, because I friggin’ adore him and hope to be just like him and my grandmother when I reach retirement.

      Anyway – I am in Multnomah County in Oregon and the process was not too hard, though I still haven’t updated everything. There was actually an option in my county to submit my legal petition for a name change electronically. Otherwise, I would’ve had to mail in a form.

      After the petition was approved, I received a certified copy of the judgment via mail. I had to order a few more copies (for a small fee) so that I could take those copies and use them to get various documents changed, like my social security card.

      I think the social security card was the trickiest, because I had to mail in a form, along with a certified copy of the judgment, and my actual, physical passport. Then, the social security office actually misplaced the copy of the judgment, and it took a bit for them to find it again. But eventually they got it figured out and they mailed my passport and the judgment back to me. A new social security card was mailed to me a couple weeks later.

      Once I had the social security card, it was pretty easy to change my drivers license, bank info/debit card, etc. I still need to update my passport, but will get to it.

      So – it can be done! Even during the pandemic. Just slowly and involves a lot of mail and a few physical checks for fees.

    11. Tofu pie*

      On my formal documents my first name was spelt with a space (think Jay Zee) when I’ve always spelt it as “Jayzee”. I didn’t really think about it at all and always wrote my name as Jayzee. But occasionally I would be addressed as “Jay” because some bureaucrat or medical admin staff unilaterally decided “Zee” was a middle name and decided to omit it on my paperwork. It was bugging me so I decided to formally change it to Jayzee.

      It wasn’t complicated for me at all – I just submitted the form and it was done. Occasionally when I fill out paperwork they will ask if I was known by another name and I will note it down; but was never asked to submit any documents for proof.

      I also have a non-English name and in high school decided briefly to go by an anglican first name. I felt awkward and never really felt comfortable with it. I’ve since reverted back to my original name.

    12. The Time Being*

      Yep, done it.

      How complicated it is depends on your state. I didn’t find it too bad — filed a pretty simple form with my county court, paid a fee, paid to publish a brief announcement of my name change in the local legal newspaper, and then got a certificate in the mail about two weeks later where a judge had signed off on my name change.

      Once that was done, the update process was no different than it would be for a name change by marriage. Hit up the Social Security admin for a new social security card, hit up the DMV/MVA/RMV/whatever your state calls it to update my driver’s license, registration, and title of my car, go to HR to update my name with my employer, and then send out inquiries to each of my credit card issuers, my bank, cable company, etc to ask their specific process for updating a legal name.

      I have heard from friends in other states that their process for a legal name change was more expensive or more complicated — multiple visits to the courthouse, having to go in front of a judge, etc.

    13. anon24*

      Thanks for the replies all! It’s interesting to read about the different processes. I looked up my county/state and it looks like here it’s a complicated process, involving court filings, hearings, and fingerprinting. I downloaded the local name change packet just for fun and it’s 40 pages of legalese that I don’t understand at all. I think when I’m ready I’m going to call the local bar association and find a lawyer to deal with it for me so I don’t inadvertently screw something up.

      I’ve never talked to a lawyer before. Anything I should know about finding a lawyer?

    14. No Sleep Till Hippo*

      Something I want to flag about name-changing, because it blindsided me: keep an eye on your credit!!

      I changed my first, middle, and last names all at once during a divorce, and had no idea that doing so would completely disconnect my credit score under OldName from any score under NewName. This may have been a slightly unusual case, since I only had one credit card under the old name and I just canceled it when the bank failed repeatedly to update their records (thanks, Chase, you absolute waste of space). But it was absolutely maddening to learn all the good credit I had built up from age 18 was just… gone, and No Sleep Till Hippo v2.0 only started existing in 2013 as far as my new bank was concerned. The advice I got was to call the big three credit agencies and have them connect my previous credit history with my current one. (I… still haven’t done that. I’ve never been great at dealing with bureaucracy.)

      So, yeah. Might be one other thing to check with a lawyer about, which I agree is good advice (and which I also haven’t done, cringe cringe).

      All that said – good luck with the change, and congrats! Even with the total admin fail mentioned above, I’ve never ever regretted changing mine. I changed my middle name to something ridiculous (think Virginia Unicorn Warbleworth) and I still get gleeful when I receive official government mail with my full name printed on it. :)

      1. anon24*

        That is good advice! Thanks! I was hoping that my credit would roll over since my social security # wouldn’t change and I’ll be keeping my credit cards, but I’ll have to make sure I don’t lose my credit. I never would have thought about that. I have my new middle name picked out and it’s going to be something ridiculous from a fantasy series I love and I’m sure it will get a lot of ridicule but I don’t care- it’s just a middle name and I love it!

        1. No Sleep Till Hippo*

          If you have credit cards that will carry over, you’ll probably be fine – I think it was the fact that I canceled *the only card I had* under OldName that broke the link, so to speak. My SSN didn’t change either, but I was told the credit companies don’t automatically use SSNs to link credit histories together. (?!?) Which blew my mind, but here we are.

          I’ve gotten nothing but curiosity and delight over my middle name, I hope it’s the same for you :)

    15. Aphrodite*

      I did. Back in 1985 I used the court petition method to change my first, middle and last names. Nolo Press has a book on how to do it yourself, and it is easy! The most fun part was choosing my three names. The least fun part was notifying everyone. (Government is easy; they are used to it. My cable company gave me the most hassle until I reached the manager. You will need official copies of the court order so order at least a dozen, maybe more if you have a lot of investment, banking, etc. These, at least in California, will have an official purple stamp on them. The legal process to do it is very easy though it will take a couple of months. But it feels wonderful!

      Don’t be surprised by any reactions from family. For me, they ranged all over. My parents were actually quite accepting of it though I am sure they were hurt. It took about two or three years before they quit making mistakes when they said my name but I was cool with it. One sister was outright hostile, accusing me of being ashamed of family. I basically ignored it because I told her (only once) it was FOR me, not against anyone.

      1. anon24*

        My husband is supportive. He knows I’ve never identified with his last name even though I changed it for him and it’s no longer important to him that we have the same last name. I’m not going to tell the rest of my family until the paperwork goes through. They will not be supportive at all and I don’t expect that they will honor it, but family, what can you do? I don’t have to have any more contact with them than I choose to.

    16. Not Australian*

      Yes. I only changed my middle name, because I felt the ship had long since sailed on my first name – which I don’t like anyway – and I was happy enough with my surname. The middle name, however, was the most unimaginative heap of vowels and consonants anyone could ever scrape together, and I got rid of it eventually.

      Where I live you can change your name ‘by repute’, and that was good enough for a while. However you can never change your birth certificate (or couldn’t at the time), and that’s the name that you have to use on such things as tax documentation and all official forms. I was fine until some years later when I needed a passport, and that was when I had to take out an official ‘deed poll’ which was witnessed etc. and then I was able to use that name everywhere in perpetuity.

      To be clear, the reason I didn’t do this earlier was simply financial; there was a fee involved which at the time I couldn’t afford to pay. It would have been a lot simpler to do it all in one hit if I’d had the money in the first place!

      But nobody ever asks you why, IME; they just take the money, process the papers, and that’s that. Your choice, your reasons, should all be completely straightforward.

  26. Lcsa99*

    So we’re thinking about costumes again and need some input. Right now we’re playing with the idea of Werewolves of London. Werewolf makeup and fangs is the easy part but I could use some help coming up with what to wear to make us look British or like Londoners. All I can come up with now is lots of tweed. My husband has already vetoed anything with the flag that’s bigger than a pin. (We would need a costume for both a man and a woman) so what do you think? What could we wear to give the right impression?

    1. pancakes*

      Search “London Tweed Run” and you’ll find lots of photos of hundreds of bicyclists in their best tweeds. It’s an annual thing.

    5. RC Rascal*

      Be sure and drink a pina colada. Your hair must be perfect. Also, carry a Chinese menu in your hand.

  27. Katia*

    Hi all! I hope everyone is having a pleasant time as possible right now.
    I’ve been wondering if this wonderful community could help me out with this:
    I’ve been talking with my therapist lately, and she told me that I need to work in my sense of self love, if that makes sense.
    Do you (general you) have any ideas for starting this journey? Books, meditations, other things?
    TIA!

    1. Not A Manager*

      Yes I do! I suggest thinking of yourself and treating yourself the way you would treat another person you are very fond of. What are your negative character traits as you currently perceive them? If your friend that you cared about had these flaws, would some of them, sometimes, be charming eccentricities rather than flaws? Would the things that are annoying about them also have wonderful benefits at times? (People who are “flaky” can also be delightfully spontaneous. People who sometimes don’t read the room can be refreshingly authentic. People who don’t quite understand boundaries can sometimes be the only ones who show up when you need them.)

      If you were getting to know you, and you were telling yourself stories about your life and your past, how would this person who is fond of you hear and re-cast some of these stories? When you were naughty as a child and were blamed and shamed, would this caring friend think that maybe some adults had seriously over-reacted to normal childhood behavior? When you lost that first job and it’s haunted you ever since, would your friend realize that you’d been new to the workforce and that you’d immediately learned from that experience and done better? Etc.

      Also, in terms of present behavior, I’ll bet that if you were tired and exhausted from a long week, your friend might tell you to postpone your chores and have a quiet evening with a cup of tea and a book. They might encourage you not to call your difficult sibling quite as often as you do. They might ask you, “are you doing this thing because you want to, or because you think you have to?”

      Obviously, these examples probably say more about my own life than they do about yours, but you can substitute whatever works for you. They say that you can’t love other people until you learn to love yourself, but sometimes I think that if you are capable of loving other people, you’re capable of treating yourself with the same consideration, and extending yourself the same grace, that you do to others.

      1. Filosofickle*

        The “talk to yourself like a friend” is a great place to start. When I hear myself saying something mean about me that I would never say to someone I love, that’s a flashing sign. That’s not me. That’s my inner critic. And it needs to sit down.

        I also love myself better through loving other people better. Judging other people less has really helped judge myself less.

        1. MissCoco*

          A similar cue I also find helpful is “what would you say to a child going through that?” especially with regards to anxiety, I find it really helpful to avoid anxiety spirals and avoid the mean self talk of “just quit worrying”
          If a child shared a fear with me, I would listen, and tell them I would help them, and compassionately try to ease their concerns. If I couldn’t get rid of their fear, I’d still validate their feelings, and try to make the scary thing as palatable as possible, and reassure them it would be over or we would get through it.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      I think it’s actions over time.

      I care enough about me to:

      Build a plan to take care of myself financially in the future.

      Stand by my own NO answers. NO does not mean I will relent if nagged enough.

      Allow enough time each day for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

      Allow myself to cry when I need to, without inserting my own judgement on myself. Conversely, when things
      are hard and I find something humorous I will allow myself to laugh.

      Recognize toxic situations and rescue my own self.

      Keep my car, home, clothing and other necessities in working order.

      Quietly do things that cause me to actually feel proud of myself- be it an accomplishment or making a good
      choice.

      1. Joan Rivers*

        I keep lotion near my computer because I feel so dry this winter and it helps to have it right there where I spend a lot of time. Having studied healing massage therapy, one tip was that your body appreciates things like lotion.
        Also, I had the idea of a “First Aid Kit” for myself that would hold those things I love to find in it when I’m down or don’t feel myself —
        the music and bubble bath and chocolate and poem and colors and joke that I know always puts me in touch w/who I am. It’s no one else’s FAK, it’s mine.

    3. Derivative Poster*

      Since you mentioned meditation, I’ll recommend the book Lovingkindness by Sharon Salzberg. Metta (AKA loving kindness) practice starts with directing compassion towards yourself before directing it towards others. Salzberg describes the epiphanies she had as a result and includes exercises for you to try. I read it years ago but it’s stayed with me.

    4. Dr.KMnO4*

      The Body Is Not An Apology: The Power Of Radical Self-Love by Sonya Renee Taylor. Best nonfiction book I have ever read. Changed my life.

    5. comityoferrors*

      I’m working on the same thing with my therapist! I’m not sure how you identify, but I’ve worked through a few chapters of the “Self-Love Workbook for Women” by Megan Logan, MSW LCSW. I got it on Amazon for like $10. I have a hard time connecting to a sense of self-love during my therapy sessions (I feel so much pressure!!), so the workbook is a nice way to process my emotions in a slower and more relaxed way. I’ve set aside 20-30 minutes every night for self-care, which is sometimes working on the book, sometimes meditation, sometimes a face mask and snuggling with a soft blanket and a book.

    6. Chantel*

      Whenever I feel I need some self love, I scour my bathroom and then take a bath with Epsom salts and bubble bath. I don’t think about anything but the water and that my bathroom is clean.

      Might sound a little weird but it works for me.

      1. Lizzie*

        I don’t keep things “for best” any more. I use my few bits of fancy china daily, my best sheets (lovely linen I bought at an op shop, in the original sixty year old box, never Before opened), I wear my favourite socks, and so on. I used the tablecloth my mother embroidered for me every day, and the embroidery is very faded now, but I have appreciated it every day too. If I had only used it once a year – the colours would be brighter now, but who cares about that?
        If you have things you value and enjoy, use them! You are worthy of enjoying the things that matter to you.

    7. Information Central*

      Small tips:
      Try to be aware of what your mind is doing – verbalized thoughts, but also what kind of associations it’s making, what kinds of patterns of thought happen. (One time I caught myself feeling grumpy about getting fast food because there were like 7 different negative thoughts I associated with fast food.) Awareness by itself is really helpful, as well as being a foundation you can build on. Beware of the next-level mental gremlin who likes to claim that being aware of a thought means you should instantly be able to fix it. Not how this works!

      Watch out for red-flag words like “should” and “just”/“only”. Those are very often associated with ways to put yourself down. Look for ways to reframe those thoughts that don’t include value judgments against yourself.

  28. Dr. Doll*

    I did two extremely responsible and boring things yesterday: made an appointment for a physical therapy evaluation of my shoulder which has been jacked up for months for no reason. And emailed a local estate attorney to see if I can finally get my affairs in order, as they say.

    What did you do, or what do you need to do that verbalizing might help?

    2. nep*

      or what do you need to do that verbalizing might help
      Love that.
      I need to (it’s been on the to-do list for weeks) call my bank back to finalise transfering retirement account funds. Also wayyyyyy overdue for dental work / cleaning. I’ve been hesitant throughout COVID.

    3. The Other Dawn*

      I found out I need to amend my 2019 taxes before I can file my 2020 taxes and I do not want to deal with it. I sold my old house last year, which was rented out (awful six years…I’ll never be an landlord ever again). I’m having TurboTax do my taxes this year and we realized H&R Block made a mistake last year, which I didn’t catch until I had to go through the depreciation schedule. So I have to deal with that first. I’m also going to have capital gains and a 401k penalty unfortunately. Can’t wait until both these tax returns are behind me.

      I don’t think verbalizing it will help though…I’ve been verbalizing it for a few weeks now.

      1. Dr. Doll*

        Sheesh, the poot cherry on top of the crap sundae that your rental saga was. So sorry you have to deal with this too.

        1. The Other Dawn*

          “Cherry on top of the crap sundae” is quite accurate! And thanks for the support. :) Once my 2020 taxes are filing, and the bill I know is coming is paid, I will never need to think about that house or either set of tenants again!

    4. Loredena*

      IMO need to schedule several appointments (dentist, physical, knee) and since I just moved so it’s all new to me doctors I’m putting it off. Even knowing what practice to call for most of those it’s energy sapping!

        2. mreasy*

          Full immunity hits Tuesday so I’m doing eye doctor, dentist, dermatologist. Pushing through!

    5. Imprudence*

      Great thought! I have a friend who calls this “adulting”. What I need to do is reread the pension advisor’s advice and decide what to do about it.

    6. Damn it, Hardison!*

      I need to make a final decision about whether to add mini-split air conditioning, and if yes, fill out the application for 0% interest financing from my local utility. I hate making decisions involving a lot money.

      1. Dumpster Fire*

        We had a mini-split put in last summer and love it. Yes, it cost a lot, but I had already looked into central air and the construction of my house doesn’t support that. Look into rebates either from the manufacturer or your utility company.

        1. Damn it, Hardison!*

          Thanks, that’s good to hear! Central air wasn’t an option for my house either, we have hot water baseboards so no existing duct work or space to add it. I’m filling out the financing and rebate paperwork today. Massachusetts has a pretty good efficiency rebate and financing program (Mass Save) which I previously used to replace my oil heat with natural gas.

          1. Dumpster Fire*

            Yes, I’m in the same place – baseboard (hot water) heat, vaulted ceiling in the main living space so no room for ductwork even if I wanted to add it…. raised ranch so not even a real basement for ductwork either (or, if so, it’d really interfere with the space downstairs.) Yes, Massachusetts is pretty good for rebates etc. Good luck!

    7. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I am putting off writing a homework assignment that’s due tomorrow, because there’s about twelve thousand things that are more interesting than a Goofus and Gallant “identify all the ethical issues in this scenario” essay. :P

    8. Bethlam*

      Turning 65 in August and have a huge stack of Medicare paperwork/ research that i need to slog through in order to make a decision prior to enrollment.

      1. Sleeping Late Every Day*

        I procrastinated on Medicare and picked an advantage plan at the last minute, kind of at random from the $0 premium list, and I’ve been very happy with it for six (urgh!) years now. But it was really overwhelming going through all the types of plans and choices within them.

    9. Derivative Poster*

      I need to finally get my act together about a regular nighttime routine and bedtime. I’ve been a terrible sleeper my whole life and I just can’t keep going this way.

      I also need to choose and order a new phone.

    10. Double A*

      I need to deal with the registration for our truck. There was a whole mess where it needed to get smogged, but the battery was dead, so it didn’t and it just…has lapsed yet again.

      I also need to deal with a customer service/warranty issue that I’m really frustrated about. Or I can decide to just forget about it and flush $400 down the toilet which is frankly what the likely outcome is going to be, because advocating for what I think they should do (repair or replace the thing that clearly was made improperly) makes me feel like a Karen.

      I need to rollover a 401k for my husband and get his IRA set up but this involves unlocking his account that I locked myself out of. I’m really annoyed I didn’t just open his account under my name; maybe I’ll just abandon what I was trying to do and take that approach.

      But hey I filed my taxes before April 15! And also processed a refund for a solar battery we installed just before the deadline, so that was productive!

    11. Teatime is Goodtime*

      I read this while eating chocolate on the couch. I’m sure I have things that I need to do but all of them fell out of my head on reading your words…

    12. Rara Avis*

      Get new glasses. I skipped my annual appointment last year and as 50 looms closer my eyes need all the help they can get. Or I need longer arms and bugger print.

      1. Dr. Doll*

        Hmmmmmmm. I’m sure the DMV *means* to have a perfectly clear and user friendly website that’s actually helpful. but, uh, they don’t.

    14. Teapot Translator*

      I don’t want to say because I don’t want to do it!
      Although, I did start a list and I’m writing down stuff I need to do as I think of them. I’m feeling a bit anxious because there’s a lot of stuff coming this week and I have my final exam on Tuesday. I think the list is helping.

  29. Emily Elizabeth*

    What kind of TMJ treatments have people had success with? Whenever I try to research it, it seems like treatment is offered everywhere from orthodontists to chiropractors to oral surgeons. I would obviously prefer not to spend more than I need, but also want to get a good quality solution and not waste time going to lots of different practitioners. I was told by my dentist it’s probably jaw clenching and maybe misalignment but not tooth grinding, if that matters. Thank you!

    1. fposte*

      There is also some specialized massage that can help; a couple of friends of mine have treated that way and found it useful.

      1. Emily Elizabeth*

        I’m definitely interested in that; any idea where your friends searched for/found that service?

        1. fposte*

          There’s a local established massage therapy business, non-chain, with a strong health rather than cosmetic/spa focus. They’ve long been the main game in town here so it’s where people naturally gravitated. I don’t think the therapist did any extra special training but they’re mostly certified in precision neuromuscular therapy there.

    2. Enough*

      If there is a misalignment then you probably want to start with the orthodontist to verify.. Jaw clenching might be improved by using a night guard. While you can catch yourself during the day the guard can help your teeth glide past each other instead of catching.
      I was treated for TMJ. A couple of years later I was having what seemed to be teeth pain. Was just clenching too much. started were my splint from the TMJ treatment and when that broke got a night guard. Been 35 years and this has worked pretty well.

      1. CJM*

        Same here. I was diagnosed with TMJ about three decades ago, and symptoms cleared up as soon as I started wearing a night guard. That was easy to get used to, and now it feels weird to sleep without it (the few times I forget to pack it when I travel).

    3. Anon5775*

      I’m doing the LVI method. They advocate non surgical methods. It’s not cheap but I’m hopeful it will improve my bite. Google LVI and look for the Las Vegas Institute.

        1. Anon5775*

          There should be a search tool there to find a dentist near you that has taken the LVI training.

    4. Tuesday*

      I tried a guided mindfulness meditation, the kind where you just focus on your breath, and the unexpected result was that my TMJ symptoms really improved. It was the only thing that caused my muscles to remain unclenched for any length of time. I guess it’s kind of along the same lines as the specialized massage fposte mentioned.

      1. Emily Elizabeth*

        Thanks for the tip! Any particular meditation podcast/video/etc that you liked in particular?

        1. Tuesday*

          The one that worked for me was available from my library as a 20-minute audiobook: “Follow Your Breath” by Sharon Salzberg. Since then, I’ve also downloaded the 15-minute “Breath Meditation” from her website.

    5. Yellow Warbler*

      Masseter Botox did wonders for me. I have a square jaw that could cut glass (dashing on a male movie star, not cute on a women who’s five-foot-nothing) and as the muscles relax, your profile softens. I’m thrilled with the results.

    6. RC Rascal*

      I’ve been fighting the TMJ demon for 4 years now. Mine is fairly severe & triggered by wisdom tooth removal surgery.

      I would get evaluated by several TMJ dentists & also find a good chiropractor & physical therapist. I would stay away from orthodontics because their focus is teeth straightening more than structural issues.

      I had to have my bite reset, non surgically. First they use a splint to fine the correct jaw position then reset with braces if needed. I had to have palate expanders both upper & lower & it was way more painful than my childhood orthodontics where they just straightened your teeth.

      My case was extreme; dentist said I was the most extreme case he had seen that didn’t require surgery. Resetting your bite also throws off the rest of your body & I am still working through the after effects of that with PT & chiropractic.

      1. Emily Elizabeth*

        That’s really helpful advice thank you! I’m so sorry you’ve been suffering with it for so long and so extremely. Do you have any recommendations on how to evaluate dentists? Several in my area advertise TMJ services on their sites but not sure if there’s any criteria I should use to pick one.

        1. RC Rascal*

          My TMJ doc happened to be the partner of my regular dentist, so I lucked out there. While I can’t give you detailed advice about this it did seem like there is an element of “ witch doctoring “ to getting it right. Mine reads energy fields and did muscle testing to find the right bite position. You might do a little reading on muscle testing & ask questions about it as you consult with dentists. My dentist also teaches TMJ courses to other dentists so you might ask about that as well.

          My dentist told me he got really into the TMJ issue & how muscles/ alignment affect the teeth & jaw because he was tired of placing mouth guards on TMJ patients & not having it work.

          I would stay away from anyone who wants to throw antidepressants at the issue. That’s common.

  30. Pop up camper*

    I want to get a used pop up but the demand in my area is insane. I’m tempted to pay a ton of money and buy new, but there are so many horror stories of campers being manufactured shoddily. Any experience or tips?

    1. Pregnant during COVID*

      How about a rental? RVShare is a popular site in the US, but there are likely others depending on where you live. I believe you pay by the night.

    2. Sandra Dee*

      I just purchased a teardrop trailer, and will pick it up next weekend. The resale camper market is extremely hot right now, mainly because the inventory of new RVs is at an all time low due to availability of parts from overseas due to the pandemic, and the Suez Canal issue didnt help matters. I am looking forward to several long weekends this summer in my new home on wheels.

    3. Juneybug*

      1. Look for water damage (number 1 enemy of campers!!). Make sure the dealership or private seller expand all of the sides/roof so you can look for discolor, damage, etc. Are their squishy spots in the walls or floors? Is their damage outside to the shell of the RV? Check the roof for damage as well.
      2. Smell the camper (seriously). Does the camper smell musty or moldy? Or is the seller using scented products to mask the smell? Open all cabinets and smell inside. Do the same for outside cabinets/storage.
      3. Visit plenty of dealerships and RV shows to see what you like and don’t like. For example – Do you need access to the bathroom if the slide-out is in (we mistakenly brought a RV that when the slide-out was in, we could not access the bathroom. Oops!) Are the windows tinted too dark and it feels cave-like inside? Does the RV have storage you need? We prefer our own cooking so my RVs need plenty of counterspace and food storage. Do you like the fact you can see the bed or prefer a door? Does it have enough room to sleep family and guests (there is always guests!)? Do you have storage for linens? Are the upper cabinets too tall for you?
      4. Make sure your vehicle can pull the RV. Don’t forget that your gear, food, etc., will add weight. Also fresh water in the holding tank will add weight. Aim for a RV that is much lighter than your vehicle’s pull capacity to save wear and tear.
      Having a RV is one of the best things about our lives (guest house, camping, visiting family and friends, and traveling).

    4. Dumpster Fire*

      We’ve been thinking of a camper for the last couple years but haven’t pulled the trigger yet; this summer we already have a trip planned that doesn’t involve camping so we’ve decided to wait until next year. The market has been SO hot between last year and this that I’m expected a lot of quite-new/slightly-used campers to be available next year, being sold by all the people who got them during the pandemic but decide that they really aren’t cut out for camping and would rather do resorts or cruises once those are realistic options again.

    5. NerdyPrettyThings*

      We only kept our pop up for a year before we got a bumper pull trailer. It was such a pain to pop it up and down to load and unload it. It also seemed like it always rained either the day before we left or the day we got back. If it rains, you have to wait for it to dry out before you can pop it back down, or the canvas parts will mildew. If I had it to do over, I would have just bought a smaller bumper-pull model to start out with.
      I second all Juneybug’s advice. Don’t let the sellers tell you you can pull it with a vehicle that’s not rated for its weight, especially if you plan to haul it in the mountains.

    6. Epsilon Delta*

      This is not helpful if you want a camper for this summer, but my biggest tip is to buy in the fall. People who want to get rid of their campers don’t want to store them for the winter and there are generally fewer buyers. Buying in the spring, everybody else has the same idea and you have more competition/less selection. (We’ve bought and sold several campers private party, I’m not sure how much this holds at dealerships)

      I also like the suggestion of a rental. We rented a camper one year for a long vacation when we were in between campers and it was in pretty good but not perfect condition, so trying that out would give you an idea of what to look for when you buy. If you’ve never owned a camper before, it will also help you determine if you actually like camping in one!

      Last thing with pop ups specifically: make sure the owner shows you how to properly pop it up and down, and do it yourself once too. You might want to write down the steps or take a video. They’re all a little bit different.

  31. AL*

    This may be a strange question, but does anyone else cry extremely easily? I find myself tearing up at anything ranging from sentimental commercials to negativity at work/home and anything in between. It doesn’t matter if I know logically that something is no big deal. Any tips to be able to stop?

        1. nep*

          I see. (I should have said–I didn’t mean to sound snarky w that question. Genuinely wondered the basis for your wanting it to stop.)
          Are you generally a content person? At peace with your life? Is there something you’re sad about deep down and you’re not addressing it? Not to say that’s what’s going on, but it comes to mind.

          1. AL*

            I didn’t think you were being snarky. :-) I do consider myself a content person. I guess I may need to dig a bit deeper though to see if there is something behind it. I grew up reading the Baby-Sitters Club and identified with Mary Anne for exactly this reason, so I think I’ve always been prone to unnecessary tears even as a kid.

            1. Joan Rivers*

              There’s a book, “The Highly Sensitive Person.” Some of us are just wired that way. Of course we tend to be intuitive and pick up on others’ energy.
              When someone in person or on TV is about to cry but hasn’t yet, I’ll start welling up and then they cry. Even if it’s acting — if it’s good acting, based on the actor using real emotion, I’ll tear up. But if it’s fake crying, I won’t.
              You see people faking crying sometimes when lying about something, and I don’t feel it from them.

    2. Frankie Derwent*

      I hope I don’t offend you but do you take OTC pills? My sister and I noticed we became more emotional (higher tendency to cry and become annoyed) when we started taking pills. They do mess up our hormones. Could be because of that? In which case you can talk to your ob and see if another brand suits you better.

    3. RagingADHD*

      Are you under chronic physical or mental stress? I tear up pretty easily, but mostly at socially-acceptable things, like weddings or movies, or a big argument with my spouse, etc.

      I find that it happens more often at little things if I’m sleep deprived, sick, my hormones are wacky, or Im under a lot of strain about some life situation (grieving, money trouble, job stress, family illness, etc).

      The best way I know to de-escalate emotional sensitivity is active stress management: exercise, sleep hygeine, good nutrition, talking it out, social support, mindfulness/journalling, etc.

    4. D3*

      For me, that’s usually a sign that I have emotions I need to deal with.
      Sometimes that means journaling, sometimes it means having a difficult discussion with a loved one that I’ve been avoiding, sometimes it means giving myself time and space and privacy for a good cry or an outpouring of grief.
      Usually once I’ve figured it out and dealt with the emotions bubbling up, I am much less likely to cry over little things.

    5. Yellow Warbler*

      Yes. Being overly emotional means I need to check my vitamin D, zinc, and magnesium levels. I am hypothyroid and prone to absorption problems.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Similar from me, the easy river of tears was lack of vitamins for my heart. I did some B’s, some minerals such as calcium and so on. If a doc had put me in an office to talk through the tears I would still be sitting there now. No amount of talking was going to fix this, I could feel this fact inside my body.

        1. Juneybug*

          I came here to say the same thing – got to take my multi, D, B, and C or I am a mess!

        2. NoLongerYoung*

          Thank you for this. I have been crying every weekend (one night of it). I don’t usually watch tv, but have chosen a show about helping people…and I just find tears streaming. Lots going on, though, too. But I’ll check the B vitamins (i’m better about the D and Calcium now).

          1. Not So NewReader*

            It’s definitely worth sinking time/money into. Grief really depletes our vitamins and minerals at a huge clip. The weepies are just one symptom of that depletion. In the case of a loss, the depletion can go on for years.

            You know what I have been liking lately is those fruit flavored waters with electrolytes and vitamins. My most recent habit has been a brand called Propel. I use it as a treat once in a while in addition to other things that I work with. You will probably find things to do that you actually enjoy.

    6. Msnotmrs*

      I do. Basically any time I have any sort of strong emotion, I tear up. From glee to sadness to even reading stories about cute animal friendships or community cooperation.

      I don’t really have any advice. I just roll with it. No one really seems to notice or care.

      1. Nessun*

        I’m the same way. My friends know that I’m liable to cry at the drop of a hat, and would (kindly) tease that I have kleenex if we were watching a show or movie. Now that I’m mostly not seeing friends or family, I just make sure there’s tissues nearby. I don’t worry about it- it’s just part of who I am.

    7. fhqwhgads*

      This started for me after my hysterectomy. There wasn’t anything I could do to stop it. It annoyed me because it’d happen even with, say, sad movies I thought were bad, not particularly moving, and clearly tear-jerker bait. So I’d be irritated that it seemed like the bad writing actually hit me in the feels, when really, I know it was almost certainly hormones. I did not enjoy the juxtaposition of intellectually “I don’t actually care about this at all” vs “why am I crying”?
      So, solidarity, fellow human, and I’m sorry I don’t have actual advice for you.

    8. Tab*

      Try pressing your tongue against the roof of your mouth when you feel like you’re tearing up. Works for me.

    9. Casey*

      I’ve been a HUGE crier my whole life. The second anyone in authority said anything not explicitly positive the tears would flow. Last year I had a majorly stressful situation at college, and I became well-known amongst my professors for crying in class/office hours and just talking/working through it, which really freaked them out, which in turn made me laugh and then cry more.

      Anyways, now I’m on anti-depressants and it turns out I don’t cry nearly as much when my brain is a little better balanced chemically. I kind of miss it though? There are times I wish I had that physical catharsis.

      But that isn’t to say that YOU need to go on anti-depressants, just that it might not even be up to you to stop crying. Which sucks.

    10. GoryDetails*

      I tend to be a crier – those old AT&T commercials (“I just called to say I love you, Mom”) would wreck me, and I sob quite cheerfully at a number of poignant books/films/TV-shows as well. I don’t mind that at all, and sometimes share my favorite “scenes that make me choke up” with friends just for fun. (And yes, I generally cry while *describing* the things that make me cry; fun for everyone!)

      But I do sometimes regret it, especially if I have to have a serious conversation with a friend or a store clerk or government official and start to get teary (usually from stress in those situations). It’s hard for me to talk while crying, and I always hope that the other party will ignore it, let me squeak out my words, and move on; if somebody gets all solicitous it just makes things worse. Luckily this kind of situation has become fewer as I’ve grown older – not sure if I’m better at dealing with tricky situations or better at avoiding them in the first place.

    11. Sob machine*

      I was told it is a common symptom of depression. Mine stopped when my doctor adjusted my antidepressants. Good luck! It’s no fun. Church would make me sob audibly.

    12. Anon for this one*

      The only thing that worked for me was antidepressants (which I was using, in a lower dosage, already). My primary care doctor sent me to a psychiatrist for that.

      People sometimes talk about emotional lability — but that tends to be people who also laugh very easily, not those of us who only overflow with tears.

    13. Nela*

      Literally my entire life, and no I haven’t found a way to prevent it. Thankfully it hasn’t happened in work related situations in many years, and as far as personal relationships go, I’m no longer embarrassed by it. People who care about me already know that it’s not unusual.

    14. TPS reporter*

      It me! I cried when I passed by children playing soccer today. Something about the weather and their joy and the thought of vaccinations happening just got to me. I’d like to think criers are just super in tune to the beauty of little moments and that’s a special quality. There’s too much cynicism and negativity out there.

    15. mreasy*

      I am a a big crier, and it definitely is hormone related. But I’ve noticed that once I started treatment for C-PTSD (EMDR), I cried a TON in sessions but less often the rest of the time. Either way, I have gotten used to blinking back tears and telling someone “oh I’m a big crier don’t worry about this” and it usually works out okay.

  32. HannahS*

    HannahS is having a girl and we’re now on the project of names. What are your favourites, and why? Anything you would use in a fantasy land? Any cultural naming traditions you followed or found meaningful?
    My not-to-be-used favourite is Na’ama. I love the name, which means “pleasant,” but the way anglophones pronounce it hurts my ears, so it’s off the table. I do like the tradition of naming a child after what’s happening around the time of their birth, so a child born during Chanukah might have “light” or “candle” in their name (or just straight up be named “Chanukah”). Our baby is due around the High Holidays, so lots of options.

    1. Helvetica*

      I really like Cosima and I would never use it because it does not work in my language at all. But I think it’s quite beautiful and unique and I also think it might be hassle for the child to have it. So that’s why it’s firmly in the “not in a real world” pile.
      My actual favourite girl names are Iris, Julia and Olivia. Would work in many languages, sweet and classical.

    2. fposte*

      I have no particular suggestions, but I think the idea of “not-to-be-used favorite” is brilliant. It gives you a chance to love the name while also choosing something that may work better for your daughter’s daily life.

      1. HannahS*

        Thanks! We’re also considering that a middle name is a great place to stick something that’s unpronounceable.

    3. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

      There are a number of really pretty old names in my family that are not great for modern children. Iona, for one. I love the sound, I love the family story, I love the origin, I hate the idea of a child having “I own” in her name.

      If you really love a name though, dogs don’t care about having a stupid sounding name. Or cats, or gerbils, or goldfish. Of course, it would take a whole lot of animals to use up all the names that I’ve fallen in love with, especially because I keep naming mine something else! And also it would be kind of weird to name a pet after a dead relative.

      1. Blue Eagle*

        Reminds me of a story told by basketball coach Jim Valvano. He was at a big meeting and introducing himself to someone he said “Jim Valvano, Iona College”. The fellow tilted his head, looked at him oddly and responded “you look kind of young to own your own college”.

      2. MissCoco*

        I love the name Iona.

        We name (some) of our pets after dead relatives in my family! Usually somewhat distant ones, like great-great aunts, and cousins of grandparents.

        I think they are beautiful names, and we only do it if people close to the deceased think they would have enjoyed sharing their name with a pet. We do think of them more than if we didn’t have their tiny namesakes in our lives.

      3. Nicotene*

        This is why it’s wonderful to be a writer; you can use these unusual names in your books, and still name your daughter “Kate” or “Ann” :D

      4. HannahS*

        Oh wow, I had no idea that’s how “Iona” is pronounced! I would have guessed “Ee-oh-na” or even “Yo-na.” It’s pretty both ways, but I get your point.

        I’m pretty staunchly anti-pet (for me, of course, not for other people) but I’d 100% name a pet Beowulf. I don’t know why, but the idea of a guinea pig or rabbit named Beowulf cracks me up.

    4. Asenath*

      In my family we have generally gone with one name of the parents’ choice (sometimes arrived at after, umm, considerable discussion) and one name from another family member. Middle name is a good place to put a name with family meaning which the child (or their parents) may not want to use every day – too “odd” – long, complicated to spell and/or pronounce, old-fashioned etc. I would add please do not give your child a name that you actually intend to use on a daily basis that is too unusual or has variant spellings. My real first name isn’t actually all that unusual in the big scheme of things, but I went through a period in my childhood when I insisted on being called by a series of other names (one at a time), most of which were those names that were popular among my age group. I eventually got used to and accepted my real name, but to this day I still have to spell it out when I give it to anyone new because there’s a good chance they’ll spell it wrong on whatever forms or schedules they’re putting it on. If I had a child, I’d stick to traditional names with the traditional spelling for the first one, and a family one for the second name, just like my parents did except they skipped that rule for me.

      1. Sleepless*

        My first name is one that was common 60 or 70 years ago, with a spelling that was trendy in the 50s. I don’t really love my name, and I really don’t love that it sounds and looks like an old lady name, and I really really don’t love having to spell it all the time.

      2. HannahS*

        Oh gosh, yeah, I went through a phase as a pre-teen where I desperately wanted to be called Rachel. My real name (not Hannah) is unusual outside of Israel and I just wanted to fit in.

    5. AGD*

      Congrats! I have a Hebrew name and an English name, which sound partially similar but are not related to each other – maybe an option?

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        My Hebrew and English names are completely unrelated– my mom gave me the English name she wanted and followed tradition for my Hebrew name. I am named for her grandmother, and even that took some maneuvering– my Hebrew name is the Hebrew equivalent of my great-grandmother’s unfortunate Yiddish name.

        Basically, there is room to maneuver. :-)

        If I had a kid born near Yom Kippur, I would probably consider naming her Hannah, after my favorite haftarah (reading). But that is not an option for HannahS!

        1. HannahS*

          Hah! My real name isn’t Hannah! It’s a fairly unusual modern Hebrew name that’s too distinctive to use on the internet–there isn’t anyone else on the internet with my first and last name. But Hannah’s out because it’s a relative’s family name. My husband takes the Ashkenazi “no naming after living relatives” thing more seriously than I do. In my family, we just don’t share names cross-generationally, but we have generations where five girls are all named after the same grandmother.

      2. OyHiOh*

        My children have English names and Hebrew names – son has a distinctively American first name and a middle/Hebrew name that sounds good in both English and Hebrew. My girls have first names and middle/Hebrew names but both are drawn from Hebrew or Aramaic. No particular reason, just how things worked out with meanings and sounds we liked.

      3. HannahS*

        Definitely possible! I don’t actually have an English name, myself. I do prefer English/Hebrew pairs that either sound very similar (Hannah/Chanah) or are equivalent (Lily/Shoshannah). I knew a Tiffany/Simcha, which is less my style.

      1. HannahS*

        A very nice meaning! Personally, we set a no-“ch” rule for naming this kid who’ll move through the anglo public school system. I have a relative–who, to be fair, was not expected to immigrate to Minnesota–whose first name is Tzivia, but she goes by her middle name, Chedva. It’s not too easy for her!

    7. Dark Macadamia*

      For both of my daughters we ended up choosing names that allow for a variety of nicknames, particularly with at least one being a more neutral or masculine variation – think Tina/Christie/Chris for Christina. We actually chose my first kid’s name specifically because we wanted to use a certain nickname and after maybe a year switched to only using the full version anyway.

      1. HannahS*

        Oh, smart. We’ve considered nicknames also. Like, if the kid doesn’t like the name we choose, could they use the English version? A shortened version? Their middle name?

    9. Disco Janet*

      We have two boys and are done having kids, so I have many favorite girl names! I don’t really have reasons for them – we don’t tend to think much about meaning and just looked for names we liked. Our girls list included Kaylie/Kaylee (what we decided on but never used), Aurora (my favorite), Olive or Olivia (husband’s favorite), Mia or Amelia, and Allison.

    10. Blomma*

      My dad is from Sweden and my mom’s American. They gave my siblings and me first and middle names used in Sweden but not too “out there” so we wouldn’t be ridiculed. My name is also a flower, and I love the idea (if I ever have kids) of giving them flower names, preferably ones that are less common (so, not Lily or Rose) and ones that work in Swedish too.

        1. c-*

          I also like flower names! Today I was thinking what a nice girl’s name Jara is: it’s a Spanish flower that’s in bloom right now, white and yellow, very pretty. :)

          One of my best friends is named Ruth, and I love her name, it’s beautiful and short.

    11. LDF*

      I wouldn’t trust Enish speakers with Naama either, hah. How about Naomi? Same root, but familiar to English speakers.

    12. Buni*

      I always like names that will give the kid options in later life if they want a change – you can pull about half a dozen alternate names out of e.g. Elizabeth or Katherine, so they can pick ‘n’ choose what they want to be called without changing their actual name…

      1. HannahS*

        Mm, yeah. We’ve considered that giving a Hebrew name means they can choose to go by the English version or use their middle name instead.

    13. Fellow Traveller*

      The girl name I didn’t get to use is Beatrix/ Trixie. Husband didn’t like it. Zelda was also a favorite that we couldn’t bring ourselves to use (actually we put it on the hospital form then scribbled it out right before we turned the form in)
      Our children all have middle names chosen by my parents that are from their language/ culture.
      My favorite name blog is Swistle (https://www.swistle.com/babynames/). The reader comments are really thoughtful.

      1. pancakes*

        The hospital crossing-out reminds me of a tweet I saw on Friday – a woman brought her new baby home and realized that somehow Kora had been registered as Korn, and that she now has a baby named Korn. She’s having the birth certificate adjusted and lots of people are having a good laugh in the meantime!

    14. Rara Avis*

      My daughter’s first name came from my grandfather and her middle name from my husband’s father. Family names were important to us.

      1. HannahS*

        How nice! We have some family names that we can’t decide on. We’re running up against the fact that most of the family names we’d like to use don’t sound great when spoken by English-speakers.

        1. Rara Avis*

          My daughter’s name is just unusual enough that it is frequently misspelled or mispronounced. But at least she has never been in a class where she has to share her name. (Despite my name being the third most common name given to girls in the U.S. in my birth year, I got all the way to college without sharing my name with a classmate.)

    15. Perpetua*

      My not-to-be-used favorite is Leonor. I’ve loved it ever since I heard it when the Spanish princess was born, but it doesn’t really work in our language, so it was never a real contender.

      I was actually surprised by how we chose the name, or rather by which name we chose in the end. I think I never expected that I’d give my daughter a name that had absolutely never crossed my mind prior to my partner suggesting it. And he heard it in a TV show, which is not something very inspiring, I kind of wish we had a better story for it. :D
      At first, I wasn’t sold on it, but as we kept our options open, I got used to it and liked it.

      We had several requirements – short, can work well internationally (although our surnames are not very international, but oh well), not too “hard” sounding (so more along the L, N, S sounds, rather than R, S, K, if that makes sense), fairly uncommon but not unheard of. The name we chose fit the bill, although it does seem that it might be more trendy than we originally thought.

      It’s funny that both my partner and I had Sofia or Sonja as one of the names we’d give our future child (prior to meeting), but in the end we didn’t go for either one of those (seemed a bit too popular for our taste). I also really like Olivia and Annabelle.

      1. Nicotene*

        It’s strange that all the modern girl’s names are soooo soft now. Emma, Ava, Sofia … little whispers. Extra funny since our standards for girls are getting tougher! I grew up with so many Kates, Julies, etc.

        1. HannahS*

          You might like the website Baby Name Wizard and its newer home, Namerology. It’s written by, I think, a statistician who follows naming trends. Super, super interesting.

    16. MissCoco*

      I love family names.
      My brother and I are named after great grandparents on either side of the family. Both unusual, old fashioned, but quite easy to spell! I like having a unique name, but I think I’d like it less if I had to constantly tell people how to spell it.

      Ruth is my favorite name, but mostly for family reasons. I think it’s a hard one for nicknames though, which I like, and has been the only complaint I have about my own name (nicknames don’t work well for mine)

    17. OyHiOh*

      I adore the name Shulamit. First heard it in my late teens and knew then and there I was going to name a daughter that. I like the Hebraic shortening “Shuli” but the child who wound up with this as part of her name detests the “i” ending and prefers the more American “Shula” version.

      Also love Ya’el and Lilit, although – one of my daughters has Lilit in her name – we’ve run into a few issues with very Orthodox women using her Hebrew name instead because they won’t pronounce the name of a demon. I’m somewhere between Reform and Reconstructionist at this point; myths and superstitions don’t bother me and I love the strength that’s implied in the name.

    18. Invisible Fish*

      True story: older lady relatives from same generation have Lavinia as a name – but one pronounced La-vin-e-ah and the other pronounced La-vine-ah. Hard pass on both.

      People who know me in real life would be surprised that I’d probably go for some religious sounding names- Mercy, Charity …. they’re just vital character traits that we all need more of. Please note that Chastity is NOT a name on that list!! ;)

        1. Jackalope*

          I’ve always felt sorry for girls named Chastity. No matter how you feel about discussing it, it can’t be fun having a name that deliberately references your (lack of) sex life. Why, parents, why?

    19. Jules the First*

      Names are so hard! I’m 34 weeks and the longlist is still shifting (I’m a believer in the idea that you have to meet baby before you can make a final decision…plus mine is very protective of their genitals, so no idea whether I’m carrying a boy or a girl).

      On my girls list in no particular order: Zillah, Phoebe, Diana, Rose, Zoe, Beatrix, and Mae.

      I also love Ilona, Annabelle, Willow, Isabella, Madeleine, and Yael, but for various reasons can’t use them. Fave not-to-be-used name is Tallullah, I love it, but feel like it’s a bit extreme to actually give to a kid…so much name to live up to.

      1. HannahS*

        I love Tallulah! I don’t think it’s too much name. She could be Tallie, or Lula while she’s little.

    20. J.B.*

      We chose Cecily for our youngest. Our oldest got a family name, but Cecily had a historical ring to it that we just loved.

      1. HannahS*

        It does have a historical ring to it! I love that it’s so close to Sweet Cecily, the plant name. It would always make me think of sweetness.

    21. Bluebell*

      I was trying to think of a Hebrew name that meshed with the New Year and a sideways name popped into my head – Ramona is somewhat close to pomegranate in Hebrew. I always think the Hebrew names are so interesting with the split between biblical vs nature. I do love the name Aviva but didn’t use it.

  33. MechanicalPencil*

    Kitten question! I feel like y’all are a knowledgeable pool of cat people.

    I am fostering two bottle babies that were singletons and then the shelter grouped them together.

    We have reached that crucial weaning/litterbox stage, and I am stumped. I’ve kind of suspected these two kittens weren’t exactly the same age, so it could just be that?

    For weaning, Kitten A took to it beautifully. Kitten B is not a fan and won’t try more solid foods in any way I’ve presented them. He does eat them as part of his bottle (like a chunky milk).

    For litter training, we have minimal success. I’ve done the used tissues in the litterbox, started elimination over the box and put them down. Scratched their paws in the litter. Kitten attract. Is this just a time thing? They eliminate near the box sometimes (never in their bedding), but I’m not seeing any actual success in the box.

    I’ve watched Kittenlady and tried her suggestions. I’ve tried various other google suggestions. I’m at a bit of a loss. These are my first that I’ve tried to take through the weaning/litter process and I don’t know if I need more patience (not my forte) or if I’m doing something wrong.

    1. tangerineRose*

      Have you talked to your vet or to the shelter?

      For the weaning, I’d probably given Kitten B more time.

      Sorry I can’t be more help. You’re a hero for taking care of such young kittens!

    2. Cat and dog fosterer*

      Weaning age varies by kitten even within a litter. I had bottle baby poopies who refused to wean until over 5 weeks old, and ones with a mama who were eating wet food at 3 weeks and then switched to dry kibble by 4 weeks old. Kittens typically wean between 4 and 5 weeks, but if they haven’t by then you can mix milk into a bowl of wet food which is easier than a bottle.

      There is something called litter attract at pet stores. I haven’t used it myself but have heard good things.

    3. Nicotene*

      I am a multi time fosterer and the last kittens always wean eventually – it just takes some longer than others (even in a litter where they are exactly the same age) I had one who was still eating only soft Petlac / Second Step mixed with wet food long after the rest were eating kibble. This was probably around a pound and a half.

      With the litterbox, perhaps they are just not old enough yet – like babies, they can’t really do it until they’re able to realize they need to go and hold it until the right moment. You’re moving their elimination into the box, right? Very young kittens just automatically go right after they eat (well, mom stimulates them) without any control. They might be behind schedule as bottle bbs.

    4. Worked in IT forever*

      We have inexpensive fleece throws that we bought at Lands End. We got them for 40% off or better (they constantly have discounts). We bought them in colours to go with the couches and drape them over the ends of the couches where one of our cats likes to scratch. It might not look beautiful, but if it’s just my husband and I, we don’t care. If someone is coming over, which hasn’t happened since before the pandemic, we can take off the throws.

      (Side note: these throws are soft and highly washable. Folded up, they make great padded cat beds and can be tossed in the wash, because, barf happens.)

  34. CatCat*

    Looking for sofa buying advice!

    Our sofa is in its last legs at 8 years old. It really started to get uncomfortable a couple years ago, but we made do by adding some extra padding. But it is time for an upgrade. I want something that will hold up for at least 10 years. It needs to support larger bodies (up to 250 lbs person) and prefer velvet or microfiber for cat reasons. I want a three-seater.

    I don’t even really know what to look for in how a couch is made. I’m getting inundated with internet ads for couches and they’re all starting to look the same. Budget up to $1,500.

    Any tips most welcome!

    1. Not A Manager*

      I’ve never bought a sofa that wasn’t on sale. If you have time to wait, I’d keep an eye out online and at local stores for upcoming sales. I’ve purchased, over the years, from Crate and Barrel, West Elm, and Room and Board all within that price range, and the sofas have held up very well. Twice I’ve purchased from local department/furniture stores. Those have a wider selection and can have better pricing, but you miss out on the crowdsourcing benefits of online reviews.

      1. Nacho*

        Agreeing with NAM. Sofas are like beds: They are always, ALWAYS on sale somewhere, usually multiple somewheres at once.

        1. Joan Rivers*

          The most comfortable sofa I ever owned was long and had removable back cushions so a tall guy could sleep on it like a twin bed. It was great and a bargain, except the upholstery didn’t hold up. Now I wish I’d have found sofa covers and kept it forever. Or got cushion covers made. It would have been worth it. When the stuffing doesn’t go bad, try to keep it.

    2. violet04*

      If you’re okay with going to a furniture store, I would suggest checking out some couches in person. We are finally upgrading our 17 year old couches and went to a Macys furniture store. We sat on several couches to see what was most comfortable and were able to decide on a set on our first visit. We were lucky that our furniture will be delivered in a couple of weeks, but some styles we looked at were a few months out due to pandemic delays.

    3. Ins mom*

      Our couch was not inexpensive but is up on five inch legs. Every day I’m flat on the floor retrieving dog toys. Also the legs screwed in and over time wiggled loose damaging the brackets. My large husband deserves to have a comfy couch but I’m not happy with this one

      1. Chaordic One*

        The IKEA Ektorp certainly looks nice, but I’ve read a lot of reviews of the Ektorp (and other IKEA sofas in general) where they complain about it being too hard.

    5. MissCoco*

      I’m quite happy with my Article sofa.
      Wood frame, metal springs, has held up well in the 2 years we’ve had it. A coffee shop in our town has the same one, which I suspect is a far better endorsement with regards to durability

      Not sure what one ought to look for in a couch. For me it came down to wanting a specific style and needing it to fit up a weird stairwell, throw in cost-effective delivery and that was that.

    6. Not Australian*

      Have you considered buying a ‘pre-loved’ one? Decades of scraping every penny have shown me that sometimes you can pay the same and get something far better if you’re willing to ignore the fact that someone else has already had it in their home – sometimes not for very long! The most comfortable couch we ever had was a little two-seater we bought in a charity/thrift/opp shop for absolute peanuts; we loved it for several years until successive generations of cats had torn it to shreds – and then we went out and got something nearly identical, but new!

    7. Daydreamer*

      I’m sitting on the Bassett sofa we purchased brand new in 2007. It was pricey, but is still comfy and has held up very, very well. I highly recommend Bassett. Happy shopping!

  35. nep*

    Natural, safe ways to keep kitty from scratching furniture?
    Hazel (~3-month-old kitty) has been with us two weeks now. She’s lovely and sweet. It’s so great having her with us. She seems happy and content to be with us–glad of that.
    Cats we’ve had in the past have scratched fabric chairs and couches–Hazel (or Purple Haze, as I sometimes call her) likes to dig her claws into a leather ottoman. She’s already done some damage, but I want to avoid more. I’ve heard of vinegar, some essential oils for keeping cats away from furniture. I want to use something that won’t harm her, of course, and that won’t stink up the place…Suggestions?
    (She has a ‘tower’ that includes a scratch post, as well as a toy that includes a surface for scratching, but she doesn’t use either yet. Also, I’m going to have her claws trimmed soon and regularly, so that should help some.)

    1. CatCat*

      You can buy wide double-sided tape made for this purpose. It deters scratching. Should be able to get it online or at a pet supply store.

      Lots of praise or whatever motivates kitty (treats, pets, play) when she scratches in an appropriate spot.

      If she doesn’t like the scratching post you have, you might try alternative types of scratching surfaces. My cats couldn’t give two rips about corrugated cardboard scratching surfaces, but love the wrapped rope type posts.

      1. Tuesday*

        Seconding the suggestion to try different types of scratching surfaces. My cat only liked the sisal rope kind, and it was a big relief for me and my furniture when I found that out.

    2. the cat's ass*

      orange peels near her fave scratching area might work. One of my cats loves to scratch an ottoman in the bedroom, but if i drape a towel over it, he loses interest. I also trim both cats claws using a regular human nail clipper about every other week, after which i praise them lavishly and give a special treat.

    3. Ask a Manager* Post author

      The two-sided tape is the only thing that’s worked for us. That, and putting a scratching post right in front of whatever the thing is you don’t want them to scratch.

      Don’t use essential oils; they can be toxic to cats.

    4. violet04*

      I have the Smart Cat Ultimate Scratching Post and it is well used by my five cats. I also keep cardboard scratchers around the house because some of them like the horizonal surface. The Sofa Scratcher can be placed on the corner of a couch. I have heard good things about Sticky Paws, but haven’t used the product myself.

    5. Teatime is Goodtime*

      Have you tried both vertical and horizontal scratching surfaces? Both the twine-y sort and cardboard? I ask because we had a heck of a time with our cat and the furniture before we figured out she only likes horizontal cardboard scratching options. I’ve never had a cat that liked either before, much less both. Worth a try if you haven’t already.

    6. Kirby and Isabelle's Mom*

      We covered everything (except their scratchng post) in aluminum foil for a couple of weeks – the cats hate the feel of it. Once they were broken of the habit we removed the foil and didn’t have any problems in the many years we had them.

    7. nep*

      (Hazel’s the fourth cat we’ve had over many years, and she’s our first one to sleep belly-up. So flipping cute.)

    8. Pucci*

      Soft paws nail covers. They are glued in with nail glue (use that instead of the thicker glue that come with them). It keeps the cats from digging their nails into the furniture, but they can still scratch sisal or cardboard scratching posts. I started my current cats with these when they were kittens, stopped using them when they were 2, they are now 12 and do not scratch the furniture.

      1. tangerineRose*

        If you plan to use soft paws, you need to trim the kitty’s nails first. I had considered using these for a kitty I had but with that particular cat, trimming her nails would not have gone well.

    9. ShinyPenny*

      All the ideas already mentioned!
      And also, maybe try communal scratching?
      I read once that scratching can be a happy greeting activity, so I ran with that with a litter of semi-feral kittens I was socializing. When I arrived home I’d lead the pack to the (proper!) scratching post(s), and scratch noisily with my nails while happily chanting “Claws! Claws! Claws!” I could also successfully redirect scratching by doing this.
      They all quickly learned to focus on the authorized objects. And “Claws!” remained useful for life as a command/communication word for the two kittens I kept.

    10. ShinyPenny*

      Haven’t seen this mentioned here yet, as another ‘texture’ option: a soft cedar fence board (look for the widest spaced grain lines to maximize the soft wood area).
      The 6 inch wide boards have more appeal than the 4″ ones, for big cats.
      I’ve had a tuxedo male that stretched a bit over 36 inches in vertical height. He wanted a vertical cedar board, that was *solidly* screwed to the wall (no wiggling!) a few inches taller than he could reach (he liked a challenge!). That was his lifelong favorite, though he also dabbled in a loose horizontal piece that he would stabilize by crouching on it.
      One upside to this material is that there’s not a whole lot of furniture made out of raw soft cedar, so it’s a pretty safe texture for cats to get hooked on for scratching.
      If your kitten is going after leather, that might be showing a preference for smooth-but-hard. Maybe cedar would fit the bill?

  36. ModernaShot2*

    Getting my 2nd Moderna shot. Super nervous since for my 1st shot I had a weird side effect, painfully sensitive teeth, for 2 weeks after that finally went away.

    Any advice/tips? Gatorade? Ideas?

    1. nep*

      You’re getting it today? I wish you well. Here’s hoping the side effects will be mild. I guess one consolation is in pretty much all cases, they don’t last. Whatever you’re going to go through will pass. I hope you’ll have time for rest.
      I don’t have any specific tips except drink plenty of water and rest a lot if you’re able–both things help with any malaise. And I always have peppermint oil on hand if I’m feeling ill or headachy. Sniff it, rub it on the temples or sore parts…
      All the best.

    2. Courageous cat*

      Nah, no advice or tips since there’s nothing you can do. Take tylenol sparingly. Just be prepared to lay on the couch all day.

    3. Not A Manager*

      I appreciated Gatorade and instant noodle soup. Was only under the weather for about 36 hours. For me, the symptoms were transient and varied, so it was like a little tapas table of flu symptoms. I was MUCH less miserable than I would have been with a flu, simply because I knew why I felt that way and that it would pass quickly.

    4. T. Boone Pickens*

      Yup, agree with nep. Lots of hydration–water, Pedialyte (I’m partial to Pedialyte v. Gatorade) and Tylenol. Hopefully you’re able to relax/sleep as needed the day after. Sending you positive vibes!

    5. Might be Spam*

      I had surprisingly pronounced side effects after the first shot, but the second one wasn’t as bad as I feared.
      Do you have any neck problems in general? It could be that inflammation as a side effect tipped things over the edge. When my teeth hurt, it has always had something to do with my neck. Maybe try a heating pad around your neck and shoulders and very gentle stretching.
      I don’t like ginger, but candied pineapple really helped my stomach.
      Keep your favorite comfort foods on hand.
      (Lazy house keeping hack) I also found that a cowl neck sweater catches cracker crumbs really well and I just dumped my cracker crumbs in the sink every time I got up to get more crackers.

    6. RagingADHD*

      I had my 2nd Phizer this week, and my arm was much less sore than the first time. I was a bit more tired the next day, that’s all.

      Here’s hoping you have an easy time!

      (When my teeth are extra sensitive, it’s always sinus pressure. You could try a Neti pot, which is harmless either way).

      1. nep*

        I hope my Pfizer-2 story resembles that.
        (A friend of mine urges me to try the Neti pot, so mind-blowingly wonderful are the benefits, she says. I’ve bought one in the past–never could bring myself to use it. My friend says it’s part of her routine and couldn’t live without it.)

      2. Chaordic One*

        If you feel intimidated by the Neti pot, you could get one of those NeilMed Sinus Rinse kits with the little plastic squeeze bottle. It’s the same basic idea as the Neti pot, but a lot easier to use.

      1. Nicotene*

        Was so nervous about this side effect as it was already day #1 for me in my cycle (what was I thinking??), and I was already miserable not using my usual motrin to handle the cramping. I was prepared for a biblical flood and even worse monthly than usual; weirdly, nothing happened. I didn’t notice the second pfizer being much different than the first, and both were pretty mild. Just felt a little hungover.

    8. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

      When I made the appointment for the first shot, my doctor told me to block out the day after that second dose to stay home and do nothing in particular, just in case. I didn’t have bad side effects, but yes I was tired.

      Have easy foods around:” easy” meaning both easy for you, specifically, to digest, and to eat when you’re not feeling well, and easy to prepare. (If you live with someone who can handle food prep, that’s less an issue.)

    9. Chaordic One*

      I got my second Moderna shot on a Thursday afternoon. Mild fever and chills shortly afterwards and into the next day, so I called in sick on Friday. Saturday morning I woke up with the worst headache. Not a migraine, but just a dull horrible pain on both sides of my head. Drank a cup of coffee, went back to sleep for 4 more hours and when I woke up around noon, it wasn’t so bad and I was fine the next day.

    10. ShinyPenny*

      Things I prepped:
      Propel Zero on hand. Pre-cooked food in the freezer all ready to thaw in the microwave. Confirmed I had Tylenol that for sure wasn’t already expired (though I held out until about 30 hours post-vaccine, in case it ends up mattering). Did laundry and ran the dishwasher the day before. Cleared my calendar so I could sleep for several days if it seemed best. Asked a friend to water some newly planted veggies the day after, because I knew they’d need it and I figured it would be too hard for me (I was right). Saved a book to read, that I knew I’d love, as a reward/distraction.
      I did have extreme fatigue starting about 24 hours afterwards (2nd Moderna), so I was glad I’d prepped. Mild headache, faint transient nausea (possibly because I read too long instead of napping, ha!) Weird feverish brain state. Couldn’t regulate my body tempurature for a couple days (got really cold easily). By 48-60 hours later I was pretty much back to normal. The localized arm pain and redness/swelling and periodic chills lasted maybe 5 days but weren’t significant.
      The feverish brain state was the weirdest. Not exactly dizzy, but…”like a balloon” lol. The most surprising was how hypersensitive the skin on my hands became! When I washed my hands, it felt really strange for about 2 days.
      I agree with Not A Manager– for me, knowing *why* I was feeling weird made it much easier to just wait it out.
      Prep what you can, and have some good distractions ready. Good luck!

  37. nep*

    I hope this doesn’t tip into work territory–please delete if so, of course.
    In my town is a building for rent–downstairs is a space that would be perfect for my personal training and Zoom workouts I run. (That space is currently being used as a small gym.) Upstairs is a sweet, bright apartment.
    I looked at the building when it was available for lease a few years back. Didn’t have the money then and I don’t now. But I just love the idea of living above that great gym space.
    Not even sure what my question is here. Generally, now that the space is for lease again, something in me just doesn’t want to give up on the idea. I keep thinking about it, but it’s pure fantasy at this point. (I think I’d be more aggressive about going for it if it weren’t for the pandemic… I could be more aggressive about marketing the workouts and personal training. But then, I didn’t go for it last time either.) I guess I’m just wondering whether anyone has had a similar situation and found a way to go for it. How did you go for it? What worked, what didn’t? Not necessarily a property, but just a big idea.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      I am pretty conservative. I have to have enough ducks in a row to see that I have at least a 50-50 chance of making it with “the big idea”. I don’t like starting out behind.
      Of my larger ideas that have worked out there has been a gut feeling of, “If I try, I will get this. I have to really try but it will be okay.”

      I tend to think that my big ideas were never that big. Then I think about the low level support I had and I realize that most of it I did on my own. So maybe my ideas were bigger for me given my givens? Not clear on that one.

    2. Pharmgirl*

      If you were to go for it, would leasing the space below in addition to your own offerings be an option?

    3. ronda*

      I think we only live once, so if you really want it, see what you think you can spend and contact them and see if they will negotiate.
      If $ is a ton more than you can spend… probably not feasible, but if it is not too far off, maybe possible to get it. Sounds like they are having trouble getting a long term tenant and maybe there is some room for negotiation. It doesn’t hurt to ask (even if you are pretty far off their price).

    4. Glomzarization, Esq.*

      How did you go for it? … Not necessarily a property, but just a big idea.

      I’d start by drawing up a business plan. There’s just no way to get a realistic idea of whether you can tackle a business venture without having the data in place. At the very least, keep in mind that for a commercial/mixed-use property, it’s not just the rent, but (depending on where you are) it’s probably a triple-net situation where you’d be responsible for property taxes, insurance, and maintenance in addition to your rent, utilities, and business expenses. Anyway, there are lots of useful free guides online, as well as “for dummies” books and resources from the U.S. Small Business Administration.

  38. Grey Panther*

    What a great photo! And I’d never even considered stacking my cats, but looks like it works.

    2. I take tea*

      I laughed at the optical illusion, we have a collapsible cat too. She can seem small or really long, depending on how much she streches. We call her the kitty accordion.

    3. Pam*

      Cats have variable personal gravity; I guess variable size was an add-on.

      Did she grow or did he shrink?

    4. Minocho*

      I have a great cat sizing photo too. My fur babies are littermates. One is 5.5 lbs, one is 13.

  39. SheLooksFamiliar*

    For the first time in over a year, I’m meeting a special group of friends for a long-overdue celebration dinner tonight. We’re all vaccinated, my state actually does a lot of the right things regarding Covid-19, and the restaurant is well-known for enforcing safety standards. We live over an hour away from each other so we had to plan for even casual get-togethers, and I’m so excited to see this crew I can hardly stand it!

    I’m a bit of a hermit by nature but still had a hard time isolating this past year. I’ve met a few people for a drink or quick bite here and there without a problem, but this group is very special to me. Dinner with friends…it really is the little things that make life wonderful, isn’t it?

    1. AGD*

      This just put a huge smile on my face. My area is not there yet, but I can’t wait until it is. Soon!

      1. allathian*

        Same here! I can’t wait for this to be possible, hopefully in the summer. My town is currently vaccinating people with no risk factors who were born in 1971 or earlier. So my age group will be up next! I really hope I’ll be able to get my first vaccine in less than a month.

    2. AvonLady Barksdale*

      Two of my best girlfriends are coming to visit next month. All of us fully vaccinated. I’ve been looking into stuff to do, but really I think we’ll be happy to hang out on my roof chatting all day. I haven’t been this excited in ages and there will be lots of happy tears.

      In other words, I GET IT. Enjoy!

  40. nep*

    Anyone plan on ordering those rapid at-home COVID tests? I was thinking it would be good to have some on hand just in case of suspected exposure, or to make sure not carrying the virus and contagious before some event, say.
    For now they’re pretty expensive but I hear the cost is expected to come down.

    2. fhqwhgads*

      I’m not mainly because the accuracy on the rapid tests is not great. A positive would be useful info, but a negative on one of those would just send me to a drive-up site for a PCR test, so I don’t plan to bother. Also fully vaccinated as of today so hopefully my need would be extreeeeeeeeeeeemely low, but even if that weren’t the case yet, the rapids seem a waste to me.

      1. nep*

        I thought they would be a waste too, but I heard in a report on NPR that they can be very accurate to show whether someone is contagious right now, which I can see as useful when planning for an event with potential for close contact.

    3. Bagpuss*

      I have- we can now get them free and are encouraged to test twice weekly to help track outbreaks.
      Before that I did buy some for myself because I have lots of allergies etc and found it helpful to be able to do the test for reassurance that it was just normal allergies etc, especially as I have been working in person.

      Here, the advice is to get a PCP test to confirm, if you get a positive on a lateral flow test – apparently false positives are more likely than false negatives, so they are pretty good for confirming you aren’t infectious

      1. londonedit*

        Exactly what I was just going to say! I ordered a pack of tests when the government announced they were giving them out free, and I’ve been testing myself twice a week. I’m not really going anywhere in particular but I have started to meet up with friends for outdoor drinks/brunch etc (froze our arses off yesterday but we’re British, we won’t be deterred by bad weather) and for peace of mind it’s good to know I’m not asymptomatically spreading Covid around the place. I think it makes sense – as you say, the real risk is a false positive, and then it’s no hardship to go to a test centre (here in London they’re all over the place) and get a PCP test to make sure.

    5. Teatime is Goodtime*

      I bought a couple and have used one so far. It is really easy! It is now a requirement before attending a thing I go to for my child once a week. I firmly support that choice, but it does make going feel that much more expensive right now.

  41. Clodagh*

    Anyone out there still playing Harry Potter Wizards Unite? I’m looking for some friends if so! My code is 3757 1927 5277

  42. MissB*

    Would you have called the police?

    Hopefully this isn’t too long. We live on the edge of a large city, not in the city limits but maybe a 15 minute drive to downtown. The lots are half acre to an acre. No businesses within two miles of my house. No street lights and no one leaves their lights on at night.

    Monday morning at around 2 am someone pounded on our house. Our dogs sleep in their kennels in our room. One of them acts as a guard dog and he woke us up with a short bark. After the guy pounded a second time, I remotely turned on our interior lights and let pup out of his kennel and the room to go bark while we got decent.

    I saw the guy at the side door and turned on the porch lights. It took moments to realize that he was very drunk. He wanted in and kept trying the door, motioning to me to let him in. He was sure he was home.

    We directed our dog to his bed in the dining room and I told sh I was calling the police. I explained to the dispatcher that the guy was drunk, non violent and kept trying our two doors (front and side).

    It just feels weird to call the police. I did talk to the sheriff’s deputy before he arrived- he called because he was at the other end of the county- and I stressed to him that the guy was calm and not violent, just very drunk and insistent on coming in. Two city police cars showed up first (they don’t have jurisdiction out here). I guess with all the issues with police interactions lately I’m questioning if there was another option to calling the police?

    We weren’t going to let him in.

    2. nep*

      That is a tough one. In the moment, I think I would have.
      Friends of mine had a similar experience–a guy, drunk, pounded and pounded on their door, to the point he damaged the locked screen door. The didn’t have any guard dogs, though, so no telling what the man might have done if he got in.

      1. nep*

        (And now that I think about it, it speaks volumes about issues with the police that we would even question whether to call them to handle the situation. Not saying it would automatically be handled badly, but the fact that it feels like a crapshoot is telling.)

    3. Asenath*

      I had a drunk pounding on my door late at night. I opened the inside door enough to speak with him and convince him that the person he was looking for didn’t live there, and he went away. It never occurred to me to call the police since the guy left on his own. If he had been violent or so far gone I thought he’d pass out in the road and die (from the cold, or from being run over, I’d have called the police. There’s no one else, or no other organization I’d contact for some random drunk wandering around.

    4. pancakes*

      I wouldn’t call the cops on someone who seemed calm in that scenario, no, especially if I wasn’t alone. If the guy was completely non-responsive to being told he’s mistaken and has to leave and was still there after being repeatedly and firmly told to leave, I probably would, but only then. Likewise if he seemed to be going from calm to violent.

      1. MissB*

        It’s a half mile to any bus stop, not that buses run at night. We are two miles from any business. It’s a residential neighborhood, quite hilly and dark at night. I didn’t want him going somewhere- he couldn’t landed one one of my two nearest neighbors’ porch and they’re both in their 80s. He wouldn’t have been able to walk far.

        I wish there was a different option other than police.

        He didn’t seem to clue in that it wasn’t his house because he was so drunk. He’d sit down on a chair on my porch then every few minutes stumble as he was getting up and try to open one of the doors.

        1. pancakes*

          Ah, having neighbors in their 80s is an important consideration. I’d have been worried about them too. We have a 311 line and app where I live that can be used for non-police issues. I hope more places will expand those sort of services.

    5. Bibliovore*

      I would love to know of another option. Did the drunk guy drive to your house. To me drunk driving is a police matter.

      1. RagingADHD*

        Yes, if there was a car there you should certainly call the police, because he’s committing a serious and dangerous offense if he drives away.

        If I were home alone with the kids, and he didn’t stop after being told, I’d call the police. If my husband were home, he would probably go out and talk to the guy face-to-face first.

        Fortunately, we have a non-emergency number, and the local officers are appropriately attuned to the difference between a 911 call and a non-emergency call.

      2. MissB*

        No car was within visual distance. We get a lot of wrecks on our part of the road- the road slopes downhill and with a sharp curve. If he’d been driving, he would’ve crashed for sure.

        The city police told us that he’d been dropped off. It’s a mystery- Uber driver? “Friend”? We are deep into a residential neighborhood.

        The police also told us he lived quite far across town (and across the river). So he wasn’t exactly close to home.

        We did find his phone and keys in one of our driveways the next morning. The sheriff’s office dispatched another person that morning to pick up the items and return them to him.

        He was returned to his house (to his significant other) rather than the drunk tank.

        1. pancakes*

          Sounds like he made a new friend wherever he was drinking and wasn’t so good at giving directions to where he wanted to be dropped off.

          1. Charlotte Lucas*

            Or he had an inexperienced Uber/taxi driver. I’ve seen real mess-ups between streets with similar names.

            1. pancakes*

              Where I live they all use GPS. Years ago, when I had only been living in NYC a couple years and GPS didn’t yet exist, I hailed a cab in Manhattan needing to go to Williamsburg in Brooklyn, and the driver told me he’d just arrived from Morocco and I was his first fare ever and would have to give directions. Somehow we got there but I’m sure it helped a LOT that I wasn’t drunk!

        2. Charlotte Lucas*

          In that case, it sounds like calling the police turned out to be the right choice. It sounds like they handled it appropriately.

          And he could have gotten hurt himself if someone hadn’t come to get him. (Not sure where you are, but where I live there’s still a definite danger of hypothermia if you stay out all night this time of year.)

    6. Not So NewReader*

      Rural America. Police are used to this type of thing and probably already know the person’s name. This is way different from what we see in the news. Yep, I would have called the police. It would have taken them close to two hours to get here because there are only one or two cars patrolling the whole county at night.

    7. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I totally would have called the police, if someone was trying to get into my house. Drunk, not drunk, someone trying to get into my house is absolutely not okay.

    9. Rick T*

      No, that is what the police are for.

      He was an unknown person trying to enter you home, the fact that he was so drunk he though he was home isn’t your problem, and you didn’t know then or now if he was going to try and force his way in.

    10. mreasy*

      I wouldn’t call police if the drunk man were Black or another BIPOC person, given the likelihood it could end in his death. Ideally there would be another option for folks like this wandering around who are perhaps in danger of walking into the road or otherwise hurting themselves! I don’t think you made the wrong call, it’s just a tough situation because of the limited municipal resources and known issues with police.

      1. Cambridge Comma*

        Yeah, in that situation I couldn’t justify calling the police if the person wasn’t white and if nothing changed.

      2. traffic_spiral*

        Yeah, if I was in an area where the cops were known for getting unreasonably violent with that person’s race, and I’ve got dogs and a locked door on my side? I’m just gonna wait with a phone and maybe a big stick, but not call the cops unless he actually starts trying to break in. Worst case scenario is probably just he’ll puke in my yard – that’s not worth a potential beating/homicide.

        If it’s more of a rural town and there’s not a race problem at issue? Yeah, call the cops – for his sake as well. He could wander into traffic or fall off a cliff or something. The cops’ll just pick him up and toss him in the drunk tank to dry out – safest option for everyone.

    11. Mimmy*

      We definitely would’ve called the police because you never know what people will do. Holy cow that would scare the bejeezus out of me!!

      1. EngineerGal*

        Absolutely would have called 911- the guy’s drunk (or possibly mentally ill) and not going away-you have no idea what he’s going to do.

        1. pancakes*

          There’s nothing in the description that suggests mental illness, and people who are experiencing mental illness are more likely to be targets of violence than agents of it. Catastrophizing is not helpful.

    12. anon for this*

      I probably would have called my dad first since he’s a retired cop, who probably would have told me to call the police and what to tell the operator.

      An important thing when calling 911 in something like this is to be calm and concise. What you say is going to have to go through a couple levels of “telephone”, so not all of the details will make it through. You did the right thing by repeating that the guy was non-violent, because the “insistent on coming in” part will stand out more. It sounds like you tried to communicate a message that was more “can someone come help this guy find his way home” rather than “we are need of protection”.

      It’s really easy to sound panicky or be rambling when calling stuff in to 911. Sounding panicked translates to “person in need of help and possibly in danger” and rambling means that details may be said but not be heard by the operator or might not getting communicated to the police dispatcher or might not make it to the officer or might not get passed on from officer who got the instructions when talking to his partner. (Number of levels varies – could be less or more depending on the situation).

      Knowing your area is also a huge deal. Some places I’ve lived I’d probably wait 20min and see if the guy wandered off. Others would have me very uncomfortable and looking for help sooner. I’ve known a surprising number of people who either drunkenly napped on the porch of the wrong house or found someone napping on theirs, but those were stories from a college area (including some where people wandered in and napped on the couch because no one locked the front door). I’ve also seen my neighbor try to drunkenly beat down the door of his own apartment when he forgot his keys and didn’t want to wait for his roommate to come home. I’ve personally watched the cops in my area de-escalate a lot of scenarios with drunk guys at my apartment complex, so I’d be fine trusting them, but might have felt uncomfortable doing so when I lived in a big city known for a corrupt government.

  43. Yellow Warbler*

    Anyone have yoga pants that are neither giant balloony bootcut, nor ankle-sucking leggings?

    My current old ratty ones have huge legs that are constantly in my way, I end up getting tangled in them with the other foot. But I get panicky in restrictive clothing and can’t tolerate tights that cling, either.

    Is there a middle ground? Help with search terms (or brand/style suggestions) would be greatly appreciated.

    1. AL*

      My favorites are the Athlete Bettona Classic, but they don’t make them anymore (may end up finding them on poshmark though). I recently got a pair of Beyond Yoga practice pants and they have taken the second place spot.

    2. Filosofickle*

      I wonder if jogger style pants would work for you? Is some ankle elastic too restrictive for you if it’s not too tight? I also don’t like tight clothes, but I used to trip over the hem of my wide-leg pants. This year I started wearing loose fitting lightweight joggers (Athleta) that give me the looseness I like in the leg but are gathered at the ankle so they fit more neatly.

      1. MuttIsMyCopilot*

        Joggers do seem close to what you’re looking for, but are usually sweatpant material and may be too hot. You might also look at harem pants. They’re very loose and lightweight through the legs, but have a cuff around the ankle so there’s no way to trip over the hem.

        1. Filosofickle*

          Joggers as a style have really evolved in recent years, I think. I thought they were always fleece, too, but then I shopped for them this year and found lots of materials. Mine are extremely light, more like harem/parachute pant material than sweats.

          1. fposte*

            What’s your source? I’m on a similar hunt and find joggers the likeliest style but want no fleece—I’m looking for light and loose-fitting for summer gardening.

            1. Filosofickle*

              Athleta. They are expensive but I’ve worn (and washed) my two pairs day in and day out for the past year with zero wear, fading, stretching, or shrinking. Because I got more of a street style, they look nice enough to wear outside the house, something I’ve never done before.

              1. fposte*

                I’ll look there too, thanks. I am, weirdly, looking for something moderately ugly that I won’t want to wear in public; otherwise I’ll get too skittish to get them garden dirty. But maybe I can work around that.

                1. Filosofickle*

                  How do you feel about hiking pants? They have that light fabric + pockets that feel gardening-friendly. They do have a little drawstring at the ankle (for ticks). i find that they are loose but not so wide-legged that i need to cinch for any other reason, though. I have some from REI an LL Bean.

                2. fposte*

                  @Filosofickle—I’ve considered them but I really love knits for this; so far I’ve been lucky with pockets but I’m thinking about a proper gardener’s tool belt this year. So I’ve got the Athleta page open as we speak :-).

    3. Sandra Dee*

      I really like the Duluth Trading Company Noga pants. They have a couple different styles, boot cute and relaxed leg. I like them because they come in multiple inseam lengths, as due to my lack of height, I normally have to hem most mass produced products.

      1. Fellow Traveller*

        I love these pants too. They are a little thick for me to do an intense yoga workout, but I wear them when I impulsively do a 15-20 minute practice.

      2. EngineerGal*

        +1 for Duluth Trading Noga-the Classic Slim Leg fit exactly like you want I think-tapered but not ankle hugging

        They wear like iron-I garden, clean, etc in them

    4. violet04*

      Land’s End might have what you’re looking for. I believe the Starfish line has some bootcut and straight leg styles that are more roomy than leggings.

      1. Chauncy Gardener*

        LLBean cropped perfect fit pants. SO comfortable and pretty flattering on my chubby, short body!

    7. Jayess*

      Mountain Hardwear’s Dynama line. There are tapered cut and straight leg (and shorts of two different lengths). They are a light, wicking material that skims the body rather than hugs it. Higher waist than some tights as well – sits above hip bones. I love them.

    9. No Sleep Till Hippo*

      I’m a big fan of MeUndies lounge pants – they’re a nice lightweight modal fabric that’s super soft and stretchy, they have a nice straight leg without being too tight or too loose (as well as a jogger style I haven’t tried yet), and they come in a range of colors from “plausibly workout” to “definitely pajama.” They’re not what I would call super cheap, but at $60 some-odd a pair they’re not quite what I would call expensive (compared to other loungewear brands I’ve seen).

      The thing that really makes me love them forever, though? The styles are fairly unisex… But the womens’ pants have more pockets. :)

    10. pancakes*

      Outdoor Voices and Kotn have lightweight sweats that might be suitable. Everlane and Brooklinen, too. The latter is mostly a bedding company but their loungewear is cozy.

  44. AceLibrarian*

    Has anyone digitally catalogued their home library? I got a call from a friend this week who’s organizing a widow’s extensive home library. She’s hoping to find a way to not only get everything listed and searchable, but also record the location of each book (Office, third shelf down). I was googling around and found some apps that might work, but I haven’t had time yet to test them out. Any advice would be appreciated!

    1. violet04*

      I’m not sure if this is quite the same thing, but my husband is a huge movie/music buff and has collected lots of DVDs, Blu-Rays, CDs and records over the years. He used to work in a music store in the 90s and got some promotional items. He created a spreadsheet to keep track of everything. He keeps it on Google Drive so he can access it from anywhere.

      2. Elizabeth West*

        This is what I did with my hard-copy movies and TV shows. My spreadsheet contained locations–I had a TV and cabinet in the bedroom as well as the front room, so I noted where stuff was. That probably won’t be the case when I find a place again unless I’m making enough money to afford a two-bedroom (hahahahaahahahahaa suuuuuure).

        I haven’t done it yet for books; I was waiting until after I moved since I was planning to downsize my collection. I did that before I left OldCity, but I might still donate more books so that’s a project for when I find a place again.

    2. Nicole76*

      I’ve been using Libib (https://www.libib.com) to catalogue my library of DVDs, CDs, vinyl, video games, and books. It’s free to use/try with the option to upgrade to even more options. You can access it via an app and online from a browser which to me is the best of both worlds.

      1. Another Teacher*

        Libib is the BEST. It works so, so well. FAST barcode scanning built in, easy ISBN search for older/non-barcoded items. It’s basically perfect for a home library.

      2. Sandan Librarian*

        I use libib for my home library. It’s a handy tool, and free up to a certain number of items. I’m about to hit that limit, and I think it will be worthwhile to use the paid version, if that’s any help.

        That said, a practically-designed spreadsheet could accomplish much the same thing, and I actually use one of those for the shelf list of the library where I work, since we don’t have any cataloguing programs.

    3. crookedglasses*

      Ooh! Not a home library, but when I was involved with a non-profit with a library of ~2,000 we used Libib. They allow things like tagging and grouping, so you could probably come up with some sort of system that way to at least identify general location.

    4. PollyQ*

      I’ve used the iPhone BookCrawler app for that (although I lost interest in the project ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ). The big advantage with it is that you can enter the ISBN number and it’ll fill in the basic info for you, which is a huge timesaver. You can even use it to scan the ISBN barcode. There are also similar apps out there, so I’d do a little digging to find the one that seems to fit your needs best.

    5. Sam*

      The Goodreads app can do this, I believe; I think it’s got a built-in barcode scanner. You’d want to set up different “shelves” for the various locations in the house, and (bulk) add the appropriate books there.

    6. Teatime is Goodtime*

      The home libraries that I’ve interacted with have all been mini relational databases via software like Filemaker or a big spreadsheet using excel.

    8. Rick T*

      When you are cataloging I wouldn’t worry too much about location but be sure to include information on any special features (signed/personalized by the author, leather bound, first edition, limited edition, special printing like Easton Press, etc.). Any book collector will want to know those details.

      With some authors like Terry Pratchett even the artist on the cover art an affect the value of the book.

      Good luck!

    9. Nela*

      I use LibraryThing. It has lots of features like comments, tags, lending, etc. so you could probably figure out a way to mark their location.

    10. Reba*

      I use Zotero for this! It’s a citation manager (like for research papers) so it might be overkill for your friend’s task, but it has a lot of handy features like importing from web pages, looking things up by ISBN, and adding tags or notes.

      I had started using it in grad school, and then I added my home library too. I am a passionate Zotero booster :)

    11. AcademiaNut*

      There’s a software called Readerware that lets you use a scanner to scan the ISBN barcode to get the title/author/publication info. I used it some time ago and it was pretty good for books, DVDs and CDs. You can customize columns, so you’d have a column that gives the location. Older books without ISBN codes would need to be hand entered.

      Personally, I use a postgres database that I initially populated from a CSV formatted spreadsheet, with a python interface, but that’s what happens when you cross a former library page with someone who codes for entertainment. :-)

      If you go the spreadsheet route, do regular backups in case you delete stuff! An application tends to separate the viewing/searching part from the entry/editing part, so it’s harder to accidentally delete or change stuff by hitting the wrong key.

    12. KR*

      I recently cataloged all my books and records before a move and used a simple Google Sheets spreadsheet. I wanted something that was backed up I online and that I could get to on any device.

  45. Purt’s Peas*

    What’s a poem that stays with you? Not even necessarily your favorite or The Best Poem, but one you think of?

    One of mine is What The Living Do by Marie Howe, because I think of the last few lines every time I see myself in a store window, like the narrator does in the poem. To rip those few lines out of context: “I’m gripped by a cherishing so deep / for my own blowing hair, chapped face, and unbuttoned coat that I’m speechless: / I am living. I remember you.”

    1. AnonEmployee*

      I had to find a poem for my public speaking class, the one I chose was The Chaos, since I had to read, reread, and the read it aloud, it stuck with me. If you like words that you think should sound alike but don’t, it’s a good one!

      1. A313*

        That one is so entertaining! I love words, and this poem shows why learning English is so difficult.

      2. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

        I’m going to be tempted to quote that every time we have a names thread where somebody says, “my name is pronounced just like it’s spelled.” We’re English speakers-we have good reason not to trust that spelling and pronunciation are at all correlated.

      3. Purt’s Peas*

        Ha! That’s a fun one—and it’s so cool to have a poem memorized, it really irons it into your brain.

        1. AnonEmployee*

          Oh, I definitely did not memorize it! The task was more along the lines of reading something difficult with confidence. I still look at it from time to time.

    2. A313*

      A longtime favorite by Jane Kenyon:

      I got out of bed
      on two strong legs.
      It might have been
      otherwise. I ate
      cereal, sweet
      milk, ripe, flawless
      peach. It might
      have been otherwise.
      I took the dog uphill
      to the birch wood.
      All morning I did
      the work I love.
      At noon I lay down
      with my mate. It might
      have been otherwise.
      We ate dinner together
      at a table with silver
      candlesticks. It might
      have been otherwise.
      I slept in a bed
      in a room with paintings
      on the walls, and
      planned another day
      just like this day.
      But one day, I know,
      it will be otherwise.

      1. Purt’s Peas*

        What a poem!! It reminds me of the dayeinu—probably the slight repetition in the structure but also the honor, joy, and understanding of it. Thank you!

    3. A313*

      I hadn’t read this poem before, but it’s really wonderful. It seems like the sort you can sit with awhile or reread it later and different things will pop out for you.

      1. Scarlet Magnolias*

        “Well I have lost you” by Edna St. Vincent Millay, I love the emotion contained in the structure of a sonnet

    4. Grey Panther*

      Three of many that’ve stayed in my mind over the years:
      – The Pool Players. Seven at the Golden Shovel (1960), Gwendolyn Brooks
      – The Highwayman (1906), Alfred Noyes
      – Siren Song (1974), Margaret Atwood

      All three resonate, all three worth looking up!

        2. fposte*

          Phil Ochs does a really rawboned one (definitely a different melody) that always makes me cry.

          Though I always kind of feel ghostly Bess is like “Dude, I died to *save* you, and you promptly went and got yourself killed, so why did I bother?”

          1. Myrin*

            Ha, that’s always been my reaction, too! Like, that song is so dramatic and beautiful and has me periodically tearing up but at the same time, I’m just like “well okay then, that was a waste apparently :|”.

            1. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

              Definitely a waste, but on the other hand it’s not like he asked her to die for him either.

      2. Purt's Peas*

        Three wonderful ones. I hadn’t read the Brooks poem for long time, maybe not since I was a teenager, and damn–that’s just an absolutely perfect polished jewel of a poem, isn’t it?

        1. Grey Panther*

          Couldn’t agree more, Purt’s Peas. I still read all three of these out loud every now and then, just to hear them. I still remember the first time I got to the end of Siren Song … and went, “Oh, my!”
          And The Pool Players makes me want to dance, every time I hear it.
          Glad to know someone else likes them.

          1. Grey Panther*

            Actually, I meant the rhythm of The Pool Players makes me want to dance, not necessarily the message. The message just … stays with me.

            1. Purt’s Peas*

              I love that the poem is so spare and minimalist, but it does have that rhythm. I think every time I reread it, knowing the last line, it becomes more and more operatic

            2. Dark Macadamia*

              When I taught poetry I’d have my students listen to a recording of the poet reciting The Pool Players, it’s so haunting how the rhythm breaks on the last line.

    5. Casey*

      Reading Dostoyevsky at Seventeen by Dante Di Stefano:

      In those days, my dreams always changed titles
      before they were finished, and I wanted
      only to love in that insane, tortured way
      of poor dear Dmitri Karamazov.
      Suddenly, I was speaking the language
      of lapdog and samovar. This is
      the ballroom, the barracks, the firing squad.
      This is the old monk with the bear of bees.
      This is the orange lullaby the moon
      of the moon will sing you when it’s grieving.
      This is the province you escape by train,
      fleeing heavy snow and eternal elk.
      This is the part where I take your hand in
      my hand and I tell you we are burning.

      I’ve never read Dostoyevsky or any other Russians, but the imagery so perfectly captures the feeling, for me, of being a teenager with limited perception of the world, but reading constantly and being transported into these different places. It still pops up in my head from time to time.

      1. Purt’s Peas*

        I’d never seen this poem but now have reread it a couple times. It’s so lovely—an extraordinary trick, to transport you both to the romantic Russia of the novelists, and to the grand inner life of the teenager reading them.

    6. No Mercy*

      After a While- Veronica Shoffstall

      After a while you learn the subtle difference
      between holding a hand and chaining a soul
      And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning
      and company doesn’t mean security.
      And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts
      and presents aren’t promises
      And you begin to accept your defeats
      with your head up and your eyes ahead
      with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child
      And you learn to build all your roads on today
      because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans
      and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

      After a while you learn that even sunshine burns
      if you get too much.

      So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul
      instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

      And you learn that you really can endure
      that you really are strong
      and that you really do have worth
      And you learn and you learn
      with every goodbye you learn…

      1. Filosofickle*

        My mom sent me this after my first heartbreak in college. It has always stayed with me!

    7. WellRed*

      I am Rose, my eyes are blue
      I am Rose, and who are you?
      I am Rose and when I sing
      I am Rose , like anything.

      1. Purt's Peas*

        A really sweet one that I hadn’t read before. Definitely one of those poems that’s really quite catchy but with deceptive depth. (Gertrude Stein, from her children’s book The World Is Round, for any other people who had to look it up :) )

    8. Square Root of Minus One*

      I mostly remember lines, not whole poems.
      If anything, in English, William Blake’s Auguries of Innocence is a frequent visitor.
      (In French, mostly Victor Hugo)

    9. OyHiOh*

      what they did yesterday afternoon (warsan shire)

      Partial quote:
      “later that night
      i held an atlas in my lap
      ran my fingers across the whole world
      and whispered
      where does it hurt?

      it answered
      everywhere
      everywhere
      everywhere.”

    10. Jackie*

      The poem Otherwise is one of my favorites. Another is this. I don’t know the author.

      Miss Me — But Let Me Go
      When I come to the end of the road
      and the sun has set on me,
      I want no rites in a gloom filled room,
      why cry for a soul set free.
      Miss me a little–but not too long,
      and not with your head bowed low,
      Remember the love that we once shared,
      miss me–but let me go.
      For this is a journey that we all must take,
      and each must go alone.
      It’s all a part of the Master’s plan,
      a step on the road to home.
      When you are lonely and sick at heart,
      go to the friends we know.
      And bury your sorrows in doing good deeds,
      Miss me–but let me go.

    11. Jane*

      [You who never arrived] by Rainer Maria Rilke. The one line that stands out for me is
      You, Beloved, who are all
      the gardens I have ever gazed at,
      longing.

      1. nep*

        I’m constantly turning back to Rilke.
        And Rumi.

        “Perhaps all the dragons in our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us act, just once, with beauty and courage. Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest essence, something helpless that wants our love.”
        -from Letters to a Young Poet

        “Let everything happen to you
        Beauty and terror
        Just keep going
        No feeling is final”

    12. nep*

      I like Mary Oliver too. This one struck me.

      I Worried
      I worried a lot. Will the garden grow, will the rivers
      flow in the right direction, will the earth turn
      as it was taught, and if not how shall
      I correct it?
      Was I right, was I wrong, will I be forgiven,
      can I do better?
      Will I ever be able to sing, even the sparrows
      can do it and I am, well,
      hopeless.
      Is my eyesight fading or am I just imagining it,
      am I going to get rheumatism,
      lockjaw, dementia?
      Finally, I saw that worrying had come to nothing.
      And gave it up. And took my old body
      and went out into the morning,
      and sang.

    13. Jayess*

      To the Woman Crying Uncontrollably in the Stall Next to me by Kim Addonizio
      “if you ever… /ripped out the stitches in your heart/because why not if you think nothing &/no one can / listen I love you/ joy is coming.”

    14. Aealias*

      A sarky old poem by Kipling comes to mind a lot lately as my kid is going through a tantrums stage: “we haven’t had any tea for a week… the bottom is out of the Universe!”

      And this year his rather kinder poem “Our Father of Old” keeps rolling through my mind: “Yet when the sickness was grave in the land, and neither planet nor herb assuaged, they took their lives in their lancet hand and oh what a wonderful war they waged!”

      What sticks in my brain tends to be rhythmic, singable works. (And Soliloquy of the Spanish Cloister, because COME ON!)

    15. Rick T*

      There are a few by Kipling stick with me:
      “McAndrew’s Hymn”
      “Hymn of Breaking Strain”
      “Sons of Martha”

      I am a 5th+ generation engineer, and Kipling is our muse.

      1. Grey Panther*

        A second-generation Kipling fan here. Every time I’m up at dawn, I hear my dad’s voice:
        “On the road to Mandalay
        Where the flyin’ fishes play
        And the sun comes up like thunder
        Out of China ‘cross the bay.”

      2. traffic_spiral*

        I always liked his “In the Neolithic Age” – it’s about a caveman poet who kills anyone who disagrees with him on poetry until he learns that there’s more than one way to be right, and everyone needs to chill out a bit. Also “The Sergeant’s Wedding” – which is a hilariously spiteful poem about two terrible people getting married and all their mutual acquaintances being delighted over it.

    16. Lilo*

      Mine are pretty cliche but:

      The Country by Billy Collins and
      As cliche as it is, the Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock.

      “Shall I part my hair behind? Do I dare to eat a peach?
      I shall wear white flannel trousers, and walk upon the beach.
      I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each.

      I do not think that they will sing to me.”

    17. Grey Panther*

      Hey, thanks, Purt’s Peas, and also to commenters! This is a great question to start with, and the commenters’ responses have had me sitting on the floor paging through lit and poetry anthologies all day. Great way to spend a weekend. Muchas gracias!

    18. Anonymato*

      Eileen Duggan- “The Tides Run Up the Wairau”

      The tides run up the Wairau
      That fights against their flow,
      My heart and it together
      Are running salt and snow.
      For though I cannot love you
      Yet, heavy, deep and far,
      Your tide of love comes swinging,
      Too swift for me to bar.
      Some thought of you must linger
      A salt of pain in me,
      For, oh, what running river
      Can stand against the sea.

    19. Amy*

      Praying Drunk, by Andrew Hudgins. It’s too long to post here, but I adore it – especially this part which I think of often while driving:

      I’m sorry for the times I’ve driven
      home past a black, enormous, twilight ridge.
      Crested with mist, it looked like a giant wave
      about to break and sweep across the valley,
      and in my loneliness and fear I’ve thought,
      O let it come and wash the whole world clean.

      1. Purt’s Peas*

        Thank you—that’s a wonderful poem, I can see why you think of it. I’ll be reading that again…the lines you posted are a feeling I know so well. Including the lines after that add a sense of…guilt? Self consciousness? It’s so hard to talk about the feeling of a poem because the poem already says it!! :)

    20. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

      For better or worse, “The Charge of the Light Brigade” by Alfred Lord Tennyson is basically the only poem that has stuck with me from school (20+ years ago). With my workplace reopening fully to customers in a few weeks over much debate, I’ve actually thought about it a lot lately.

    21. Lujessmin*

      Stopping By Woods On a Snowy Evening by Robert Frost. YEARS ago, there was a prime time Sesame Street special where Grover recited this poem, with the help of Wonder Horse Fred. I fell in love with Grover and this poem and both are still my favorites.

      1. Purt’s Peas*

        Oh yes! I had a illustrated children’s book of it. Maybe one of the first poems I ever really loved. And it rings in my head every New England winter.

    22. Dark Macadamia*

      This was a great thread to read! The one I think of the most is “Tired” by Langston Hughes:

      I am so tired of waiting,
      Aren’t you,
      For the world to become good
      And beautiful and kind?
      Let us take a knife
      And cut the world in two-
      And see what worms are eating
      At the rind.

    23. Not Australian*

      When Earth’s Last Picture is Painted … one of Kipling’s lesser-known works, but it appeals to me.

    24. Texan In Exile*

      Cat in an Empty Apartment, Wisława Szymborska

      Die – you can’t do that to a cat.
      Since what can a cat do
      in an empty apartment?
      Climb the walls?
      Rub up against the furniture?
      Nothing seems different here,
      but nothing is the same.
      Nothing has been moved,
      but there’s more space.
      And at nighttime no lamps are lit.

      Footsteps on the staircase,
      but they’re new ones.
      The hand that puts fish on the saucer
      has changed, too.

      Something doesn’t start
      at its usual time.
      Something doesn’t happen
      as it should.
      Someone was always, always here,
      then suddenly disappeared
      and stubbornly stays disappeared.

      Every closet has been examined.
      Every shelf has been explored.
      Excavations under the carpet turned up nothing.
      A commandment was even broken,
      papers scattered everywhere.
      What remains to be done.
      Just sleep and wait.

      Just wait till he turns up,
      just let him show his face.
      Will he ever get a lesson
      on what not to do to a cat.
      Sidle toward him
      as if unwilling
      and ever so slow
      on visibly offended paws,
      and no leaps or squeals at least to start.

      1. Texan In Exile*

        Dangerous Coats, Sharon Owens

        Someone clever once said
        Women were not allowed pockets
        In case they carried leaflets
        To spread sedition
        Which means unrest
        To you & me
        A grandiose word
        For commonsense
        Fairness
        Kindness
        Equality
        So ladies, start sewing
        Dangerous coats
        Made of pockets & sedition

        1. Texan In Exile*

          To the Woman Crying Uncontrollably in the Next Stall, Kim Addonizio

          If you ever woke in your dress at 4am ever
          closed your legs to a man you loved opened
          them for one you didn’t moved against
          a pillow in the dark stood miserably on a beach
          seaweed clinging to your ankles paid
          good money for a bad haircut backed away
          from a mirror that wanted to kill you bled
          into the back seat for lack of a tampon
          if you swam across a river under rain sang
          using a dildo for a microphone stayed up
          to watch the moon eat the sun entire
          ripped out the stitches in your heart
          because why not if you think nothing &
          no one can / listen I love you
          joy is coming.

    25. PersephoneUnderground*

      Habitation, by Margaret Atwood. It’s a beautiful poem about marriage. “We are learning to make fire”.

    26. Old and Don’t Care*

      and what i want
      to know is
      how do you like your blue-eyed boy
      Mister Death.

      (Cummings’s spacing only partly replicated.)

  46. Not A Manager*

    On a different comment this weekend, Filosofickle replied “I also love myself better through loving other people better. Judging other people less has really helped judge myself less.”

    I don’t want to hijack that particular question, but it raised a related one for me. Have you found that being less judgmental toward yourself and others has actually helped you to DO better?

    My parents were quite judgmental, and it’s taken me a long time to quiet that inner voice. But one thing I noticed pretty young is that they weren’t exactly paragons of the timeliness, tidiness, or conventional beauty that they judged other people for lacking. (Not that they were unsocialized monsters, but there was certainly a level of “glass houses” going on.) One think I realized about my mother was that she was *super* avoidant about these supposedly shameful things – she just couldn’t consider that she herself was any of those things, and then when she did it was a huge super big deal that she would beat herself up over but not really address.

    As an adult, since I’ve learned to be less judgmental about other people, I’ve also paradoxically become *better* about tidiness, or doing my paperwork, or sending thank you notes. And I think it’s partly because I’ve given up the super high standards, all-or-nothing approach that was modeled for me. I’d rather be mostly tidy with some acceptable mess than hold myself to unmeetable standards that are so onerous that I don’t even bother to try.

    There is a question here, and the question is whether other people have discovered that more self-love (as per the original post), or less self-judgment, has actually led to better functionality?

    1. nep*

      I don’t really have an answer to the question, except to say that when I’m feeling quite vulnerable, after screwing up or choosing to reveal a not-so-pretty part of myself, I’m certainly more kind-hearted and less quick to judge others.
      About the earlier part of your post, it seems that people are often the harshest judges of something they don’t like in themselves. I have always found that when something about a person pushes my buttons, it’s about something I need to address in myself.

    2. Filosofickle*

      Hi! I wouldn’t say this happens a ton for me, but when it does it’s about shame. When I am being judgy I’m often ashamed/fearful of something about myself, but that feeling (annoyingly) doesn’t actually motivate me to do better. It keeps me trapped in shame spiral. Letting that go frees up a lot of mental energy and sometimes that does lead to doing things because I want to and not because I’m supposed to.

    3. anon here*

      I think this is huge for me. My spouse is very judgy and judges himself harshly, and so his thought process is “I can’t keep my house clean and until I can all by myself I can’t hire help”, or other convoluted thoughts like that. Very much the all-or-nothing approach you outline. I’m much less judgy and much much more likely to get help or be happy with doing something imperfectly to start, and I feel that I am more comfortable having hobbies, trying new things, switching jobs (he has had one job his whole life and it’s a somewhat toxic workplace but he fears anyplace else would be worse), etc. It has been a process for me.

      It’s not uniformly this way — there are definitely areas where it somehow isn’t so bad. But yes, I’ve observed exactly what you describe.

    4. OyHiOh*

      As I’ve gone through life I’ve had to learn to go much easier on myself than what I learned at home, just to have strong relationships with others. I’ve also gradually realized that the things I think I’m moderately good at are, in the world outside the “singing university” bubble I lived in for 20 years, things I actually have a much higher degree of skill in compared to average population. I think, absolutely, that dialing down the self judgement and internal criticism makes me a better friend and partner!

      My dad, in particular, is extremely, extremely judgmental of musician performance. Now, he comes by a piece of this honestly – his Bachelors degree is in piano and vocal performance and he attended a couple of schools that musicians here would recognize immediately. However, the larger part of his judgmental attitude comes from his mother, who was self conscious and desperately trying to fit into a 1960’s white/suburban middle class lifestyle and judged and picked at everything that she felt didn’t fit (my sister and I suspect she may have been neurodivergent but it’s impossible to know at this point). My dad turned that into hyper criticism of music. I nearly fell over backwards one day last summer when he told me that a piece I’d just finished playing was well done. That was literally the first time in my 40+ years on this earth that he has ever complimented me on musicianship.

    5. lemon meringue*

      I agree–I don’t think being judgmental is usually a very productive approach, either with yourself or with someone else. It usually doesn’t allow for much empathy or nuance. The natural by-product of judgment is shame, which often will just make you feel worse without actually giving you the tools to improve.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      We have a finite amount of brain space. We can do the super high standards which is almost a recipe for failure then we can spend a lot of time mourning that failure. That’s a whole bunch of brain space that could have been used for something else.. such as thinking sharper or thinking broader or thinking compassionately. And yeah, there is that element of “I can’t do x perfectly today so why bother?”

      One of my happier discoveries in life is to see that some attempt will give some level of benefit. Some attempt at watching what I eat will give me some benefit. Some attempt at keeping the house picked up will give me some benefit. If I increase my attempts on these and other things, my benefits will go up. A light bulb went on- it’s a sliding scale not an all or nothing. I have freed up brain space to actually enjoy the things I have done.

    7. TPS reporter*

      Yes for sure. I also felt like my parents were judgmental and suffered with low self esteem throughout childhood. I ended up realizing that all of the energy I out in to worrying about what others think of me and presenting in a very careful way was hugely draining. I feel like I just have more mental and emotional energy now to go after what I want instead of pouring over how I come across.

  47. D3*

    Our cats have destroyed the carpet on our stairs. Nothing has worked. Not hanging scratchers on the wall nearby. Not spraying yucky smelling stuff, not putting tape/foil/etc. on it. Not spraying water on them when we see it. Nothing.
    Litter boxes and their individual “safe spots” are down there so we cannot restrict access.
    It’s currently a low pile carpet. We want to redo the stairs, and I want to do something hard (we had engineered hardwood on the stairs in our former home and I like that, so that’s what I suggested.) Husband still wants carpet, he feels something hard will be too slippery for carrying heavy stuff down the stairs. Like the 50 pound bags of cat litter, water softener salt, etc. that he regularly takes down there.
    It’s the basement stairs, and it’s mostly unfinished down there so we don’t care as much about how it looks. We just don’t want it ripped up to the point we are having to cut off parts so we don’t trip, like we do now!
    Is there a kind of carpet that exists that will be less appealing to the cats? Or a harder floor that isn’t slippery? I’d hate to put in new engineered hardwood for $$$ and immediately cover it with nonslip strips!

    1. fposte*

      Can you put in cheap vinyl and cover it with nonslip strips? Not too pricey to redo for new owners, not subject to the hope your cats will behave differently.

      1. BRR*

        Was also going to throw anti slip strips out there. I have them on my wood (?) basement steps and they’re out of sight so it works for me.

    2. Damn it, Hardison!*

      I have very thick Berber type carpet on my basement stairs that my cats don’t care for at all (unlike the carpet on the stairs to the second floor). I think it’s because they can’t really pull at it; their claws get stuck in it. A local rug store was helpful in picking out a kind of carpet that’s not appealing to cats.

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I put carpet treads on my hardwood stairs to keep my elderly dog from slipping on them (before we banned her from the stairs entirely), and I think they actually look pretty nice. Mine are EdenProducts Non Slip Carpet Stair Treads, and while they don’t stick real well on the unfinished wood basement stairs, they don’t budge an inch on the finished wood unless you deliberately peel them up – the sticky on them is kinda like post-it notes, where it stays in place and doesn’t slide around, unless you grab a corner and pull them up that way, and then you can re-stick them easily. They’re vacuum-able, very easy to maintain.

    4. Colette*

      I put cork on my stairs (which looks like laminate), but I used an aluminum stair edge that had some ridges on it so that they wouldn’t be slippery.

  48. Come On Eileen*

    I want to give an update and a thank you to those who offered suggestions to me and my cats a few week ago. I was feeding my cat wet food every day but filling automated feeders with dry food on weekends when I was out of town and noticing that my cats were barfing up the dry food. Several folks suggested that I incorporate dry food more regularly and also look at limited ingredient dry food. I’m doing both – feeding them dry Taste of the Wild in the mornings and wet food in the evenings and so far, very minimal barfing. Thank you to everyone who offered insights and suggestions, it’s been very helpful!

    1. saf*

      We have the Simplicity Jack. Easy to use, works well on hardwood and carpet, and has been going strong for years now. Bags are not cheap.

    2. mreasy*

      I have a Eureka Boss – inexpensive and a workhorse. Have had this one for ages and I’m on my second after the first one lasted a solid decade.

    3. MissB*

      I like the Shark navigator, which Costco usually sells. It’s an upright but you can lift the canister off easily and walk around with it, making it great for use on stairs or if you need to vacuum the ceiling.

      It has a switch for carpet vs hardwood, so when I vacuum the carpet in the bedroom, I can easily switch it over.

  50. Dan*

    I have to post this because it’s super weird. I’ve been in my apartment for over a decade. About a year ago, I started getting letters (I’ve gotten three of them now) addressed to somebody who lived here in 2007, about two years before I moved in.

    The letters are from a bank, regarding an auto loan and some insurance. The recipient apparently didn’t have his own coverage on the car, so the bank bought a policy on his behalf and charged him. (Totally normal, AFAIK.) However, the purpose of the letter is to inform the recipient that if he did indeed have proper coverage on the car, the bank can give him a refund on the policy they took out and charged him for. The letter also says that if he did not have his own coverage, he doesn’t need to respond to the letter at all.

    Again, they’ve now sent out three letters regarding a matter that is 14 years old, and one very valid option is to “do not respond.”

    Anybody know what’s going on? I’m really curious. 14 years has to be past the statute of limitations for any kind of civil matter a court could enforce. Three letters is a lot to send on a matter where “do nothing” is a valid choice.

    1. Not A Manager*

      No idea what’s going on, but my (non-professional) understanding is that you can’t just sit on the letters or do nothing yourself. I think you need to mark them “no such person at this address, return to sender” or something similar, and drop them in a mailbox.

    2. AvonLady Barksdale*

      You can be as curious as you want, but you should not have opened those letters. Next one you should forward. They weren’t addressed to you.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Yep – or, since forwarding is unlikely to be an option, as Not a Manager says, mark them “not at this address” and put them back in the mail to be returned. Opening other people’s mail is not only tacky, but technically a federal crime.

        1. Charlotte Lucas*

          Yep, unless it’s marked “or Current Resident,” because that’s junk mail.

    3. Llama face!*

      So I’m not wanting to pile on, but just so you are aware, in both Canada and the U.S. it is a crime to open someone else’s mail if another person’s name is on the envelope (bulk mail with no addressee is obviously a different situation). The proper thing to do would be to write on the envelope “wrong address- return to sender” and put it back in the mailbox for your carrier to pick up next time.

      To answer your question, perhaps the bank has a standardized internal policy or regulation requiring them to send out a certain number of notifications about the refund option in order to show they’ve done their due diligence in the matter.

      1. tiasp*

        Nevertheless, when I lived in an apartment, I had a series of government looking letters sent to my address. I marked them ‘not at this address’ and returned them, but they kept coming. I finally opened one and wrote on the actual letter that the person didn’t live there and I had been living in that apartment for 3 years and had never heard of him and then I mailed it back. The stopped sending the letters to me and I was not arrested.

      2. twocents*

        This, don’t open other people’s mail. Just use a Sharpie to block out the address and write “Return to sender, not at this address.” If it’s junk mail like adverts, you can toss.

    4. Teatime is Goodtime*

      My guess is that they have new automatic letter software, or updated or changed something in their existing software, and then let it trawl over their database records without realizing there was a bug or mistake of some kind. Something like forgetting to filter out by date, filtering out by the wrong date field in their database, maybe even picking the wrong address as the “current” one, importing the data wrong, etc. Lots of possibilities in there. Something that a human would catch easily, but a computer wouldn’t.

    5. Dan*

      For the record, any opening of any mail in my mail box that wasn’t addressed to me was unintentional and has been properly returned.

    6. Lifelong student*

      Others have commented on opening mail not addressed to you. I agree it should not be done intentionally. However, I have opened items delivered to my address without looking at the envelope in detail- and I am sure I have thrown away mail which appeared to be junk or from entities I have no relationship with without reviewing the details of the addressee.

      1. EvilQueenRegina*

        It’s easy enough to do – someone who lives alone could reasonably expect all mail delivered to be for them and open it automatically and only then realise it was addressed to the previous occupant.

      2. Loredena*

        I received several bills from a local hospital that I had used, but addressed to someone who had never lived at my house. I opened the first before noticing the name. After that I returned several. Very annoying!

    7. Girasol*

      Apparently it can happen. It was thirteen or fourteen years after we moved here that we suddenly got a letter from the electric co-op from which we got service in the state where we used to live. God knows how they found our address after all that time. They said that some time ago we had been overcharged and they were sending a rebate, a check for just enough to go see a movie over the holidays. We got another check the next year and the next and after five years the checks stopped. There must be a story there but I don’t know it.

    8. EvilQueenRegina*

      I think I would return those to sender and let them know that “So and so is no longer at this address “ and let them sort it from there.

  51. KoiFeeder*

    Anyone on here flunk their antibody test after getting the vaccine and waiting two weeks? I know it’s not 100% reliable to confirm or deny immune response, but what am I going to do now? I’m sitting and waiting to hear back from the doc, and I don’t know if I’ll have to re-vaccinate or what.

      1. KoiFeeder*

        See, that’s the problem, my immune system is an untrustworthy bastard and there’s no predicting what it’s going to do.

    2. Dr. Anonymous*

      This is WHY the test is not recommended after vaccination–We don’t know if positive antibodies indicate immunity, at what level, how long they last, etc. You can have negative antibodies and still make the T-cells you need to fight off infection later. I don’t know of any governing bodies recommending additional boosters on the basis of antibody testing.

      1. KoiFeeder*

        Well, in my case between my immune system and my medication for said immune system it was a crapshoot as to whether or not the vaccine was going to take. I’ve never had issues with protein vaccines, but there were concerns regarding the mRNA vaccine due to the mechanism of action of my medication and the nonsense my immune system gets up to in general. So the doctor wanted to check something, just to get an idea of whether or not it took.

        1. PostalMixup*

          I’m a biologist, but not a doctor (or not a medical doctor, anyway). I would imagine that, if you didn’t respond to two doses of an mRNA vaccine, a third dose would be unlikely to do much. The J&J and AstraZeneca might have a similar issue, since it’s still just providing the genetic blueprint (via DNA rather than RNA) so your own cells can make spike protein to train your immune system. You might have to wait until the Novavax vaccine is authorized, if it’s authorized. That one is a protein-based vaccine, I believe.

    3. 00ff00Claire*

      You will not have to get another shot. I and one of my older relatives are participating in a COVID study that includes regular antibody tests. I tested positive after my shot, but my relative did not. It kind of freaked me out, honestly, but I researched the specific test and my relative called the study. I was able to find out that the test is only 90% accurate for individuals who do have antibodies, so you can have antibodies and still test negative. My relative was told basically the same thing by the person they spoke with from the study. The study person said that they have actually been getting a lot of similar calls from participants now that more people are getting the vaccine.

      You will be fine, but I completely understand wanting to run it by the doc, because until I knew the data on the accuracy rate of the test, I was a bit worried since my relative is higher risk. Now, I’m actually quite curious though – will my relative continue to test negative because the 10% who do so have a specific test-evasion characteristic or is that 1 in 10 truly random and their next test will be positive?

      1. 00ff00Claire*

        Oh, since you say above that you have medical complications, I guess your situation is different enough that the general rule of “you don’t need another shot” may not apply. I assume your doctor has all the info about the accuracy of the antibody test you took, but that’s certainly worth considering. 1 in 10 is pretty big for something like this, IMO, so fingers crossed you are also 1 in 10, although I don’t know how on earth you would know if you are…

    4. Anon for this*

      Keep an eye on Johns Hopkins— they are running a study on antibody response among autoimmune patients pre-, during, and post-vaccine.

    5. Bye Academia*

      Can you confirm with your doctor that they ordered the right antibody test? Since the early antibody tests were looking at the general immune response of people who actually had the disease, they aren’t all specific to the spike protein. So if you ended up getting an antibody test that looks at nucleocapsid antibodies, it would miss the spike protein antibodies you would expect after the vaccine. I would hope your doctor knows this and did in fact order a spike protein antibody test, but it’s good to verify just to be sure.

      1. KoiFeeder*

        There were three antibodies being tested, I know one was spike proteins and one was for the virus proper (I expected to fail that one because I haven’t caught COVID yet), I don’t recall what the third antibody being tested was.

  52. Millicent*

    Tips for frying an egg? I love a good fried egg sandwich but every egg I fry ends up a leaking mess. I have tried a nonstick pan, a cast iron pan, and a stainless steel pan. All have failed me.

    I like my fried eggs to have the whites cooked through and browned, but the yolks just a bit runny. Every time I flip my egg, disaster strikes and I lose the egg. Help!

    1. Elf*

      Use more butter, and the nonstick pan. If that doesn’t work you can put a lot (like, at least 1/4 inch) of oil into any of the 3 pans, but nonstick with lots of butter is best.

    2. MuttIsMyCopilot*

      Don’t flip it? I prefer my eggs with barely set whites and very runny yolks, so I crack them into a hot nonstick pan with a little butter already swirled around, and cover with a glass lid. When the membrane over the yolks starts to turn opaque they’re just how I like them. Another 30-60 seconds gets you jammy, partially set yolks and firmer whites. No flipping dramatically reduces the chance of breaking them.

    3. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

      Don’t flip it-you want a sunny side up egg. Cover it with a lid so the steam cooks the top. Plenty of tutorials online. You’ll just have to play with the timing and temperature to get the white browned when the yolk is the right degree of runny.

    5. Anono-me*

      Use lots of oil, and skip the flip. Once the egg is almost perfect, spoon some of the hot oil over the top of the egg until the top is cooked to the correct crispness.

    6. Bagpuss*

      Don’t flip the egg. Baste it with hot fat if you want it browned on top.
      Also, try adjusting the heat – cooking a bit hotter or cooler may help you get the textures you like

    7. Dan*

      Others have suggested that you don’t flip the egg — to which I concur — but I might also suggest using a lid as well. This can keep some heat on the top.

    8. Pharmgirl*

      Heat a pan over medium heat. When hot add your oil of choice – I generally use Pam or avocado oil spray. Crack in the egg and COVER. This is important because it steams and helps the egg cook from the top. Depending on how hot the pan got before I cracked the egg in I either leave it at medium for 30s-1 min and then turn to low or immediate turn to low. If I hear any sputtering it’s too hot and I lower the heat. I also start toasting bread right before cracking the egg and by the time the toast is done the egg is too. I’ve never timed this, but it’s just a few minutes. I flip my egg at the end then turn the heat off to cook the rest of the white if needed. I’m okay with a jelly consistency vs. super runny egg Yolk.

    9. 00ff00Claire*

      I was the worst at frying eggs until I started watching America’s test kitchen. They had an episode with a technique for “perfect” fried eggs, so I tried it. I use their method every time now, and while I wouldn’t describe MY fried eggs as perfect, the results are still far better than before when I was trying to other techniques.

      You need a non-stick skillet with a lid. Basically, you heat some oil in the non-stick skillet on low for several minutes, in order to warm the pan up. They explained this reduces hot spots and the eggs cook more evenly, just make sure it’s on low. Crack two eggs into one bowl and two eggs into another bowl. Turn the heat up to medium and then add some butter to the oil. Once the butter is melted, add the eggs to the skillet, cover with the lid, and cook on the heat for 1 minute. Then remove from heat and let them continue to cook until the whites are set and the yolk is how you want it. They gave a time for how long to leave them off the heat, but I just go by when they are “done” to me now since our skillet has a clear lid. You may need to play with the times and heat just a little, depending on your stove/skillet/preferences.

    11. MissB*

      Is your cast iron well seasoned?

      I fry up an egg about 3x/week. I do use a ring. I spray the ring with nonstick spray and drop a tad bit of butter in the middle of the preheated pan. Once the butter melts, I crack the egg into the ring. Once the egg is set enough, I pull the ring and flip the egg.

      Rarely breaks.

      You might not be heating the pan enough. I only ever use cast iron.

    13. Sleeping Late Every Day*

      When the egg is close to how you want it, put a lid on the pan for about half a minute. I use a glass lid from another pot and it has high enough clearance that it won’t touch the egg even if it’s smaller than the pan. And I can watch through the glass, so the egg doesn’t overcook.

  53. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

    Favorite breakfast bars recipes? I want to make them for a hiking trip, so they’ll need to be sturdy enough to travel in a backpack. High protein is a plus.

    1. Double A*

      Minimalist Baker has a lot of recipes in this vein! I haven’t made bars per se but have made some of the balls and they’re yummy.

    2. Camelid coordinator*

      I really like the breakfast cookies from Run Fast, Eat Slow. Perhaps you could add some nut butter on top for more protein? If you look up Shalane breakfast cookies you will find them.

  55. Double A*

    I asked for advice a few weeks ago about turning down an invite to a bridal shower at the beginning of May, when I’ll be about 37 weeks pregnant, even though I’m fully vaccinated. I was very annoyed about it for a lot of reasons, and also sad because I really like weddings and feel like a wedding would be nice in like…a few months? I politely turned it down, saying I was expecting a baby that month so couldn’t make any social commitments. The host responded that she hoped I could make it to the wedding (which is the beginning of June)… I will clearly have a newborn at that point, so my subtext of “I don’t feel this type of event is safe” didn’t register. But at least it’s not just me invited to the wedding so I can foist the job of declining on my husband since it’s his family.

    It got me thinking…. Assuming you feel that you feel like once you’re vaccinated your personal risk of contracting or spreading covid is low, how are you dealing with events that you feel aren’t generally safe or that violate CDC guidelines, even if you don’t feel personally at much risk or that you are likely to be a risk to others (e.g. even vaccinated you are not in close contact with non-vaccinated or high risk people)?

    1. Tofu Pie*

      We had a recent case in our area where someone fully vaccinated got covid. I personally caught measles after I was vaccinated so yeah, they’re not foolproof. I’d say it’s reasonable to stay away from events if you don’t feel comfortable even after you’re vaccinated. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to continue precautions until we get closer to herd immunity. The entire world shut down and covid has completely changed our lives. It’s totally reasonable to conduct your own risk assessment and decide to stay on the safe side.

      I remember your original post and share your annoyance with people throwing big events during a pandemic. Our entire city went into lockdown earlier because one family decided to throw a massive (100 guests) birthday bash when they were ADVISED TO ISOLATE BECAUSE THEY WERE EXPOSED TO COVID. They had the audacity to get butt hurt when social media exploded against them. This is a rare time when I agree with the social media witch hunt because that was so stupid.

    2. Rara Avis*

      We are not going to a big birthday party for my sister-in-law, using the excuse that our daughter is not vaccinated. She and my brother-in-law have not quarantined at all, both got COVID, and we have no faith that county guidelines or even common sense safety precautions will be observed.

    3. The Other Dawn*

      I’m vaccinated now and I definitely feel safer. A concert I was supposed to attend out of state last August was postponed until July. I don’t know if it will still happen, but if it does I plan to go.

      My friend asked me yesterday if I wanted to go to Vegas with her and her coworker. She booked a trip for June since it’s her 50th birthday. I said no, but not because I don’t feel safe. It’s because there are still masking mandates in place there, as well as capacity limits in various venues. I follow the guidelines for my state and would follow theirs as well, but I just don’t want to pay all that money and have to wear my mask everywhere or deal with some things probably still being closed. That’s just not fun to me. I’ll wait until next year to go there, or really anywhere other than a short day or weekend trip.

    4. Not A Manager*

      This is a really interesting and difficult question. The way you pose it, there’s an event that I think shouldn’t be held because it’s unsafe or not recommended. But my *personal* presence won’t place me at additional risk, and it won’t present an additional risk to others. (I’m pushing this to an extreme – we know that vaccines aren’t 100% and that vaccinated people still pose some risk of being carriers. But let’s pretend that this issue really isn’t about any marginal additional risk.) So if I “boycott” the event it’s either a way to communicate to the hosts that I think they’ve made a wrong choice, or it’s to avoid communicating to others that I endorse holding the event. (“Not A Manager is always very careful, so if she’s planning to attend this must be a safe event.”)

      My immediate thought is that if I really want to communicate to the hosts that I think the event is unsafe, I’d prefer to just say that. That’s easy if it’s a public event, and you can complain to the management or to the venue. It’s also possible (if not easy) when it’s someone that you’re close enough to that your opinion is appropriate, like a friend or a sibling. It’s a lot harder when it’s something like a distant in-law. But as you say, the fact of your not attending doesn’t seem to have made much of an impression on your in-law. I’d remove “communicate my disapproval” as a reason for not attending.

      I take social signaling very seriously, and I do think it can be wrong to appear to endorse bad behavior. (We see this issue arise when bystanders are silent in the face of racism.) On the other hand, sometimes your own endorsement or lack thereof is so marginal that it just really doesn’t matter, from a practical perspective, whether you appear to approve or not. I think something like an in-law’s wedding falls into this category. I would, however, counsel people that I’m close enough to and that I think are at risk, about why I think the event is a poor idea.

      So for me, my decision would rest on whether I actually *want* to attend the event, and whether I think the decision to hold it is misguided but understandable, or whether it really reflects a lack of morals. For something like an in-law’s wedding, if I were fully vaccinated AND I wanted to go AND I could understand how they had come to this decision even if I didn’t agree with it, I would attend. But I can certainly understand coming out on the other side.

      1. Double A*

        A very thoughtful reply! You’ve captured a lot of what I’ve been thinking about and the factors that go into it. I’m definitely feeling pretty burnt out on risk calculation, right when in some ways it’s getting more complicated. For now, anything I don’t want to do for any reason I can just say, “Sorry, the kids aren’t vaccinated,” even though I’ve done a lot of reading about kids and covid and I consider the risk to be less than many other risks that I find acceptable to expose them to (not really interested in debating this, just pointing out that for me, that excuse is a white lie).

    5. RagingADHD*

      You make the decision you believe is best for yourself, and assume the other adults are doing the same.

      My state opened vaccines to everyone over 16 at the beginning of April, and there are mass vaccination sites in many places with no appointment required. Current wait times for the drive-thru sites in my city are averaging 20 minutes.

      By June, at least around here, we will be as safe as it is ever going to get. Ever.

      A June 2021 wedding isn’t the same risk level as a June 2020 wedding, and it isn’t reckless or stupid to plan one if you’re in an area with good vaccine availability. I’d go if I felt like going.

      What I wouldn’t do is go to a wedding where I’m judging the couple for having it at all. Stay home and stop trying to demonstrate disapproval. Whether the couple or the guests feel safe is not your call to make. You only get to decide for yourself.

      1. Double A*

        I’m not really looking for advice about going on not — we’re not, and probably wouldn’t even in a normal year because we’ll have a 2-3 week old baby that even before covid I would be uncomfortable exposing to a crowd (not to mention commiting to an event when you have a newborn is difficult regardless).

        What hard for me in a hypothetical example is what excuse you use (obviously in this actual situation, we use the newborn excuse and dodge the issue). I guess you can just decline with a well wish, “So sorry we won’t be making it, best wishes on your happy day!” But if they push are you honest?

        1. RagingADHD*

          No, you just keep saying polite things like, “Aw, I know. We just wish you all the best and can’t wait to see pictures!”

          You don’t have to answer every question you’re asked.

        2. Fulana del Tal*

          You can honestly tell them your child is too young to travel/be left with a baby sitter which is the truth. But it seems to me you want to tell these people they’re being irresponsible/ you disapprove. But where does that get you? The wedding is still going to happen.

    6. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

      This is such a short term issue, at least in the US. By mid to late summer most states are going to be as vaccinated as they are going to get. By the time you heal up from that baby we’ll be heading into whatever normal will be. I feel like this might be taking more weight in your heart than it deserves.

      1. pancakes*

        That’s assuming there won’t be any consequences related to US pharma companies continuing to enforce vaccine patents against the global south. The out-of-control spread and variants emerging in Brazil and India are unlikely to remain strictly within their borders.

    7. Maggie*

      I guess for me the idea of not thinking something is safe and the idea that I dont feel personally at risk or like I am likely to be a risk to others are at odds with one another. If I feel like Im not at risk and I feel like Im not risky to others- why would I feel that the event is generally unsafe?

      1. allathian*

        Too many people at an event where it’s not possible to physically distance. Even if you are fully vaccinated and thus unlikely to either get sick with Covid or spread it to others as an asymptomatic carrier, others may not be vaccinated. And at least in my jurisdiction, even if you are fully vaccinated and attend an event where you get exposed, you’ll still have to quarantine for two weeks. I guess our health autorities are hoping that the annoyance of a potential quarantine will make people reconsider whether or not it’s wise to attend an event. Public events are limited to 50 people. That’s why I wouldn’t go even if I felt the event carried little personal risk to me. I’m in Finland, which is currently in the top 3 EU countries when it comes to vaccine coverage, but at 49 and not having been diagnosed with anything that would make me high risk, I haven’t yet had my first vaccine. Fingers crossed for getting it in May.

  56. Tea!*

    Looking for recommendations for tea.

    Specifically if anyone has any tea subscription boxes they like. I’d like the variety and surprise. I pretty strongly prefer herbal teas. My 2 current favorites are the stash Christmas in Paris tea which I’m loving, and the Tea Pigs Peach and Mango cold brew. (Also, strong recommendation for both of these teas, I think I’ll be having a lot of the peach/mango this summer. There is an apple cucumber I like quite a bit too.)

    4. LDF*

      Art of Tea has different length subscriptions and I’m pretty sure there’s an all-herbal option.

    6. LNLN*

      I live near a Stash Tea store and I love their Breakfast in Paris tea. It has bergamot in it (I like Earl Grey!) and a touch of lavender.

  57. AvonLady Barksdale*

    I’m dealing by just not going. I might say that I don’t feel comfortable yet, but that doesn’t come up too often. My partner’s sister’s baby shower is tomorrow and I just declined. Granted, we live far enough away that we would have to fly, but I just do what I’m going to do and they can do the same, really. Doesn’t mean I don’t disapprove in private, but my opinion is not going to make a difference so I keep it to myself.

    2. Double A*

      Yeah, simply declining with well wishes and a sorry we can’t make it is what I’d err towards.

      In your situation, I wouldn’t fly to a baby shower even in a normal year! Unless I wanted it coincide with a visit. I generally think of baby showers as local things; we didn’t invite anyone out of town to ours (in 2018), even close family.

  58. OyHiOh*

    What’s at your bird feeder this week?

    The weather was still pretty grim this week, but I’m hoping to get in at least one decent walk tomorrow, possibly more than one. I have on good report (photos elsewhere in the state) that the pelicans are flying through this week, so I’m hoping to see them again!

    1. Llama face!*

      I don’t have a bird feeder but just saw a mated pair (I assume) of bluejays in the backyard yesterday. :) Actually, I heard them first; those noisy chirpers sound like a rusty gate!

      1. Loredena*

        I’m in a new to me place and have been watching the resident pair of Jays. They have a nest! Just outside my bedroom! I’m a bit concerned because it snowed this week and I can’t tell if they had laid yet but still. I’m excited it’s so close because fledglings! I might buy a new feeder or two :)

    2. nep*

      Not at the feeder, but for the third time, robins have made a home of the wooden roof structure over our back patio. Momma bird is sitting in her nest up there. Love it. I know it’s nuts, but I get this feeling like, ‘Aw, they trust us.’

      1. Loredena*

        At my prior finches nested in a wreath on my front door one summer. Multiple times. It was fun but odd to see momma and babies right there if I opened my door. I tossed the wreath so the next year they built a nest on top of a camera

    3. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

      Ooh, pelicans are on the move! I will have to keep an eye on the skies.

      I saw a pair of sparrow sized black and white birds having the NOISIEST argument with 3 starlings. The little ones wanted to chase the starlings out of the tree, but the starlings refused to leave.

    4. Lizabeth*

      The wrens are frantically making nests everywhere, cardinals are fighting about territory (there’s a lot of cardinals), hummingbirds were spotted so feeders went up quickly, song sparrows singing like crazy and the bluebirds have been visiting the birdbath.

    5. GoryDetails*

      Southern NH: the usual suspects, including cardinals busily setting up housekeeping, titmice and chickadees and assorted woodpeckers. Also saw some goldfinches in full gold plumage. I put out a hummingbird feeder even though I don’t usually see them before the second week in May; thought it wouldn’t hurt to have a snack on hand for any early arrivals.

      In the less-usual sightings: saw a buzzard dining happily on roadkill at the side of a winding road. At first I thought it was another wild turkey – both are large birds with dark bronze feathers, though the actual shape and feather configuration is quite different. Once I got closer and realized what I was seeing, I got to appreciate a scavenger doing its job right well.

    6. AcademiaNut*

      There’s an official document posted on the notice boards about safety measures around nesting blue magpies. Having been punched in the back of the head by them in previous years, this is a good idea. They’re gorgeous birds, but territorial around their nesting sites.

      Baby swallows by the bus stop, moorhen chicks and juvenile glossy starlings at work. The ducks have mostly left, and I’m hoping for some decent weather next weekend to catch the migrating shorebirds as everything leaves for the summer. Our birding season is winding down, as a lot of birds go north to breed, and it’s too hot to be out birdwatching in the summer.

    8. WoodswomanWrites*

      I don’t have a feeder, but today on a hike through the woods I heard a call and then caught some movement above me. When I looked up, I saw the shift change for a pair of nesting ravens. One arrived and settled in on the nest, while the other took off. I’ve never seen nesting ravens. It was so cool!

    9. WoodswomanWrites*

      One more thing. I enjoy reading the comments from people in other parts of the flyways. It’s fun to read about the birds arriving where some of you are after they’ve departed from where I am in California.

      Even though I mentally know birds migrate, there’s something about hearing about actual sightings elsewhere that makes it more real. For years I would see surf scoters hanging out on the waves off the coast every winter, and it wasn’t until I actually saw a surf scoter in Alaska during the summer that I fully comprehended the extraordinary effort and magnitude of their migration.

      1. allathian*

        On a trip to Lapland a few years ago, we saw Arctic tern. They’re extraordinary birds, because they migrate between the Arctic and the Antarctic every year and experience two summers with constant daylight. The round trip is around 44,000 miles because the birds don’t fly in a straight line, but take advantage of prevailing winds. Arctic tern can easily reach an age of 30 years or more, so an average Arctic tern flies about 1.5 million miles in its lifetime, or more than three times to the Moon and back.

        1. WoodswomanWrites*

          That’s an incredible statistic about their lifetime journey! I’d love to see an Arctic tern someday.

    10. Pamela Adams*

      I saw a squirrel fighting with crows today. He chased one, and then another dive bombed him.

  59. Llama face!*

    Making or re-evaluating friends post-pandemic:
    I was thinking about how much has changed in how I view relationships over the past year or so and mulling over a few questions. What has changed for you in the past year and a bit irt your priorities for friendships? Do you have higher standards now? Have you decided to broaden/widen your potential friends pool or limit it? Do you have new boundaries? Have you noticed a lack of or presence of certain important friendship factors as a result of the pressure cooker of this past year?
    Anyone want to discuss?

    1. Alexis Rosay*

      I realized how much water I was carrying for some of my friendships–I was always the one reaching out to check on people or make plans, and it wasn’t always reciprocated. I took a step back from that role and some folks eventually picked up some slack, while others did not. I realized that I need to make a bigger effort to broaden my circles because my existing friendships were shakier than I thought.

      1. Llama face!*

        I’ve been the water-carrier in friendships (and family relationships too) so I know what you mean. In at least one case I know it’s because the person has issues thinking that people will reject them (and not being comfortable being the one to reach out) but I decided that if they really valued a relationship with me they would have to at least do part of the work. I’m not helping if I just enable them to be a passive friend.

        1. allathian*

          I have a friend like that, although she lives abroad now so I haven’t seen her for 5 years. She was very frank with me about her issues, so I tried to be a good friend by always agreeing to what she wanted me to do with her if I didn’t have any conflicting plans, and by doing what I could to meet her at another time if the one she suggested didn’t work. I never turned down her suggestions to meet just because I didn’t feel like it, which as an introvert I used to do quite often with other friends. Now that my friends and I are all either married or in a serious relationship and most of us have kids, I’m a lot less tempted to turn down an invitation (in pre-pandemic times and hopefully soon again) just because I don’t feel like going…

    2. Filosofickle*

      I need to broaden my friend pool. Today in the NYT there was an article about the pandemic prompting people to pare down their contacts and think about who really matters…and while that’s absolutely right, I’m not someone who needs to live a less busy / people filled life. My standards for people were already high and my tolerance for social time low. I lead a very low-volume life. Pandemic was easy for me, relatively speaking. Very little changed for me in who I socialize with or what I do. All my relationships bore out and many have gotten stronger.

      However, I’ve been in a relationship for the past 4 years, and in that time my circle has grown too small. My low social needs are easily met by my live-in sweetie. People have moved away. My partner is now sober, making group socialization hard. But I recognize this is not a sustainable community. I have to prioritize relationships even when I don’t feel like I have the energy, because there comes a day when you need them and if you haven’t built it, it’s not there. And I do love these people and want to be there more for them! So I want to take advantage of this little burst of post-vax happiness and desire to connect, rebuild older relationships that I do still value and seek a couple new ones. And ideally find people we can both socialize with.

      1. Llama face!*

        I also have fairly low socialization needs but the pandemic cut out most of even my few social connections because my friends were all being even more cautious than me or we agreed it would be better to stay distanced because they had children in school (& that sort of thing).

        Hopefully this isn’t too work-topic-y but one thing I noticed was that when, for complicated reasons, I wasn’t working in my usual workplace I had SO MUCH MORE energy for people contact. I think my high stress workplace was eating up all my people energy and leaving me with very little for personal life social times. So going forward I want to change things up in my life so I can have more energy to spend on people I really want to spend it on.

        1. Filosofickle*

          Yes, I also stopped seeing my local friends out of caution. We shifted to zoom/phone/text — in that way I was in more contact with people than usual. And I actually loved it, I got my fix without the energy of travel and getting ready! What might have taken 3+ hours to get across town for dinner became an hour zoom and that was perfect. My good friends live long-distance so nothing changed there.

          When I started working for myself / from home years ago I discovered I had a ton more energy for people. Previously I collapsed on Friday and spent my weekends recovering. I never managed to have a regular desk thing + a social life.

    3. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

      At this point I’m ready to be BBFs with the random lady I bought something from off Craigslist. I got to talk! Face to face! With a stranger! It was the strangest experience, because I’m an introvert and usually standoffish with new people. Instead I showed this lady pictures of my cats.

      I need more friends, I need more acquaintances, I need generally more people in my life. I’m sure I will have standards again eventually, but right now I just need to see people who aren’t my coworkers or family.

      1. Filosofickle*

        I said in the Little Joys thread that basically I just made a happy hour date with someone in my Buy Nothing group who I’ve never even met, based solely on a common tastes in alcohol and living in the same ‘hood. That’s where we’re at.

      2. Llama face!*

        I am definitely finding that I’m a lot more grateful for any kind of safe human contact these days. I’m also an introvert but have been basically a bubble of one since last March apart from occasional distanced visits with people. I think I got a lot of my low-cost positive people time doing things like sitting in coffee shops and libraries and just being in places where other people were enjoying doing their own thing. That’s not a safe option at the moment where I live and it was surprising to me how big of a difference it makes to cut that out.

      3. AvonLady Barksdale*

        We moved to our current city about 8 months before the lockdowns started and I SO need local friends. We moved to a new building and that’s helping. Today we met a couple in line at the bookstore and just as I was thinking, “Huh, I like them, they’re around my age, I wonder…,” we discovered we have an old friend in common. Kind of hoping to connect further.

        That’s the stuff I really miss– meeting random people and saying, “hey, let’s hang out,” and now I’m just happy that I’m vaccinated and can do it.

    4. Solar Moose*

      A couple of things:

      – I realized I needed to prioritize my time. I used to just let my calendar fill up with whoever spoke first. I started saying “no” to people a lot more. I started focusing on the small number of friendships where we seem to click really well. I started taking more time for myself. I’m really glad for all these changes.

      – I do wish I had a better way to keep in touch with a large number of people all around the globe. I’ve thought about starting a Facebook account again, but I just get so sucked into all the ranting on there, and I’m not sure it’s actually good for those broad connections. I wish there were healthier social media.

      1. Llama face!*

        I am still on FB but I feel so frustrated with how much toxicity and time-wasting comes from it. Unfortunately I also haven’t found a better alternative to stay in contact with more distant friends and relatives and some of my local groups do most of their communication via FB. So at the moment I am feeling stuck with it.

        1. Alexis Rosay*

          There’s a browser extension you can add that will block your Facebook new feed but still let you access the rest of Facebook. It’s fantastic. I now only use FB for professional groups and the occasional messaging.

    5. OyHiOh*

      I’ve always treasured having a broad spectrum of friends. The past year has emphasized this for me: It’s too easy for me to fall into a little echo chamber where everyone says and trusts basically the same thing, and then it’s a shock when I talk to someone who doesn’t inhabit the echo chamber. I want to do this more: to avoid echo chambers and social bubbles and make sure that I and my friends aren’t simply reinforcing each other, but challenging each other’s growth.

      1. Llama face!*

        That’s really wise. I have shifted a lot of my thinking and priorities from when I was younger but more than probably should be the case I’ve just moved from one echo chamber to a different one.

      2. Not A Manager*

        I have come to the opposite realization. I actually just don’t want to interact with people who have a really different world-view from me. I find them exhausting and frightening.

        1. Filosofickle*

          I try to avoid living in a bubble entirely, but yes. In the past years (more like 20, not just 5) it’s become clear it’s not a matter of “we all have good intentions & shared vision for a healthy society, we just disagree on how to achieve it”. It’s fundamentally different morals and worldviews. I do not want to spend time with people I believe are cruel, retrograde, and blinkered.

    6. Loredena*

      I am a better work friend or acquaintance than true friend tbh, between my introversion and a sort of time blindness. I appreciate Facebook despite its many issues because it’s let me reconnect with friends I had drifted away from

      Moving means I need to work on this more. But, I’ve maintained friendships with one group despite having moved almost a decade ago by gaming with them. Just having that weekly commitment and time on discord helped so much while locked down!

      1. Llama face!*

        That long term connection is really cool! Time with people really does make a big difference in maintaining relationships, even if it is not face-to-face.

    7. llamaswithouthats*

      Yep and yep. Social distancing made me realize which friends I was actually looking forward to seeing again and which ones I am fine continuing to not see after lockdown. I also am less forgiving of certain behaviors or traits. Prior to the pandemic, I was more likely to let certain ignorant or rude comments slide and just “focus on the positive”. Of course, no one is perfect, but I’m through humoring people who want to debate “but is gender really a social construct??” and insist that reverse racism is really a thing even after everything we’ve seen this past year.

      1. Llama face!*

        Hello fellow llama name! I have been feeling similarly, ie. that I’m done humouring people’s unwillingness to grow better. Honestly in a lot of areas there is just no excuse for ignorance anymore. I’d rather hang out with people who are also learning and growing and trying to do better (even if they still have some blind spots they haven’t worked through).

    8. RagingADHD*

      I realized how much I had been relying for years on social media to maintain marginal connections, and my closer friendships were often based on easy proximity rather than deep connection or shared values.

      Some of my best friendly-acquaintances with good friend potential are also vaxxed, and I’m reaching out to get together with them one by one for coffee dates. It’s making me so happy!

      1. Llama face!*

        Oh I’m jealous! We are in a not good condition here in my province (variant cases rising, maskless rallies in my city- even today, vaccine program not really far along, and fairly tight restrictions on close contacts). It will probably be mid summer by the time I’ll be able to go for coffee with a friend without having to get it to-go and sit outside and 6+ feet apart to drink it.

        I also would like to start building friendships with more meaningful ties. I have a couple but the rest of my friend/acquaintance circle is marginal.

    9. Nicki Name*

      I need to build more local relationships. I have friends around the world that I keep in touch with online, but I don’t have a circle of friends I can actually see in person.

      The pandemic sure hasn’t helped in the short term, but in the long term, most of my industry (software) is going to remote and hybrid work. I used to have a 1-hour commute, and now I have more time and energy to devote to hobbies that involve getting together in groups. I’m hoping to meet some future friends that way, once it’s safe to gather again.

      1. Llama face!*

        I am in the beginning stages of looking for wfh and also hoping that it will allow me to have a more vibrant social life once it’s safe to do so. I had a very short trip to get to my workplace but even getting back that 15 minutes either way makes such a difference in how rushed I feel on either end of the workday. It sounds a bit silly (especially compared to your former commute) but sometimes I wouldn’t end up doing evening plans because by the time I got changed, settled, made supper, and then had to get ready to go out again, I was just done for the night. And that affected how often I made plans to see people. So here’s hoping that the next months going forward are an improvement for both of us! :)

        1. Nicki Name*

          Oh, there’s definitely a factor which doesn’t scale with time. I have half-hour walks around my neighborhood in place of my morning and evening commute, so I haven’t gotten back 10 whole hours per week, but just walking around and coming back to my house is sooooo much less draining than dealing with an actual commute. So I totally see how dropping even a 15-minute commute could be a big improvement!

          Best of luck in your search for that WFH opportunity.

        2. RagingADHD*

          Watch out for WFH inertia when you find the right position. Sometimes it’s harder to get out and socialize when you have to make a special effort – like the after-work inertia spreads.

          1. Llama face!*

            Good advice. Yes, I could see that happening if I’m not careful. Any good tips on fending it off?

    10. Double A*

      My thoughts on this are a mess and compounded by the loneliness of early parenthood. At the start of 2020, when my daughter was about 14 months, I felt like I was just starting to figure out how to get out into the world with my her…then lockdowns started. We’re incredibly lucky in that our default life is apparently called “quarantine,” because I work from home, my husband works basically alone, and my parents provide childcare. So lockdown went seamlessly.

      But now… I’m just feeling kind of lost regarding friends. It’s been so hard for everyone I know with kids that I don’t know if anyone has the energy for friendships, even though we desperately need them. I haven’t been able to make the connections you can normally make through toddler classes or day care or mom groups during this period in a kid’s life. We also live in a somewhat rural area so you have to really make things happen. I do know some local moms who I want to start seeing again, but I’m going to have our second baby in a month, so I feel like baby quarantine is going to start all over again and I’m honestly feeling kind of hopeless about everything. On top of the irritability in this last stretch of pregnancy being really intense.

      1. Llama face!*

        That sounds really hard. If it helps any, you have my commiseration (and internet hugs if you want them). I’m not a parent but I can imagine that socializing with young kids is an extra level of complicated without even adding a pandemic. And then adding a new baby and likely sleep deprivation on top of that can make things seem pretty overwhelming. Would there be a possibility of forming a bubble with even just one local family so you can have someone to take a break with once in a while?

    11. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I have realized that no, I really AM that introverted, and I really DON’T need to stress myself out trying to arrange to spend time with flaky people. (WHY do I know so many flaky people.) My phone number hasn’t changed in eight years, my email address in even longer, so if they really do miss me like they keep saying they do, they know how to find me – I’m done chasing them. :P

    12. twocents*

      Pre-pandemic, I had been thinking about wanting to deliberately broaden my social circles. I’m not great at keeping up with people after they move out of the area, and I’ve realized I do better with relationships when we’re able to hang out and do things. Which isn’t a problem by itself, but it does mean I have to be more intentional about constantly cultivating social circles or risk ending up in a situation where I only have a small handful of friends that I hope never move. And even on my own end, things wax and wane; I used to volunteer regularly at a place, but then they switched to a significantly more rigid setup and I stopped having fun, so I don’t see my volunteer buds anymore.

      Pre-pandemic, some of the avenues I was looking at where conflicting with each other, so I’m thinking about restructuring. A hiking meetup started over the pandemic, and I attended one when it was brand new and not that many people came and those who did wore masks, but I hesitated after that (the 6:00 a.m. wakeup times they switched to didn’t help). I noticed they’re going back to a more normal start time, so I’ll rejoin in late May after I’m vaccinated. One of my activities is remaining virtual and moved to Saturdays, so that’s freed up time on Sundays to get back to trying a board game club I’d started checking out. I’d also been thinking about trying out an improv class, but I hesitated because they require an actual stand-up performance at the end of it, and I just wanted to try it as something to get me out of my shell a bit, not because I actually think I’m funny.

      But anyway, that’s what I’m thinking about: how can I more deliberately interact with more circles of people and have a social life that isn’t dependent on “god, I hope my one friend never moves.”

  60. MissB*

    I am thinking about selling my car (via Carmax). I bought my car in 2018- it’s a 2015 Mercedes 2 door coupe and it had 5,000 miles on it when I bought it.

    It currently has 24,000 miles on it, and Carmax appears to offer just a couple thousand less than I paid for it (I bought it for half the cost it sold for new to the first owner).

    Anyone have any experience with selling a car outright to a place like Carmax?

    (We are looking at getting an all electric Volvo, but would stick with 1 vehicle for awhile. We both work from home and both vehicles are almost never in use).

    1. Rick T*

      We have done it twice, and got a fair price each time. You *might* get more selling it privately or as a trade-in got your Volvo if you really want the best return. We went there to avoid dealing with bad checks or less than honest buyers you are likely to get on Craigslist.

      Only losing a couple thousand after 3 years and ~20,000 miles sounds like a good deal.

      Each sale’s paperwork took about 2 hours after we accepted their offer.

    2. CatCat*

      We sold our last car through Carmax. The offer was low, but the car had some issues and we were just glad to be rid of it. It was a pretty simple process.

      1. MissB*

        Low isn’t good but issues do tend to reduce value so that makes sense! I’m going to have it serviced before I trade or sell.

    3. I need coffee before I can make coffee*

      I’ve sold three and bought one from Carmax. Very satisfied. If you like to wheel and deal, then Carmax is not for you. If you want to be done with selling or buying quickly and you’re not concerned with trying to squeeze out every penny, I highly recommend it.

      1. MissB*

        I don’t love car dealers period! I’ll check them out after I have it serviced, then go to the Volvo dealer and see what trade in I could get.

        Thanks!

  61. nep*

    Anyone follow weightlifting? Favourite lifters, or some you like to follow?
    Sarah Davies was absolutely fierce at the recent Europeans–6/6 and swept silver. (Loredana Toma with the gold.) I’m endlessly inspired by lifters; their work is impressive. And I feel for those training for the Olympics, given all that COVID has thrown at them; they’ve had to step up their badassery all the more.

    1. TPS reporter*

      Yes I love Mattie Rogers and can’t wait for the Olympics this year! I hope everyone can safely compete.

      Weightlifting is one sport I can actually do except of course at much lighter weights. But it’s fun to know I have a tiny bit of the pro experience.

      1. nep*

        After my post about weightlifting, I watched some of the Pan Ams (which just ended, I think). Mattie kicked a$$. Golds in snatch and overall. (I was a bit surprised they didn’t call press-out on her last C & J.) Anyway, she works so hard. Other US women did great at Pan Ams too. Jourdan Delacruz busted records all over the place.
        I was all the more amazed at what weightlifters pull off after taking a few classes/trainings.

  62. Not So NewReader*

    For anyone who has first hand knowledge of surgical glue. My friend had surgery several months ago- a hernia operation. All is well except for where they put the surgical glue. That area is still reddish and itchy. Any experiences or insights?

    1. pancakes*

      It sounds like they might be having an allergic reaction to it. Do they know the name of the glue to see whether that’s common? Not really on point, but maybe a similar issue, my boyfriend was having a bad reaction to various eye drops he’d been prescribed and turned out to be allergic to the preservatives used in them.

      1. MuttIsMyCopilot*

        That sounds awful! There are plain moisturizing drops that come in individual doses with no preservatives. Maybe that’s an option for prescriptions that he could special order?

    2. MuttIsMyCopilot*

      My spouse has a weird reaction to dissolving stitches. The wound heals fine, then weeks later everything is angry again because the stitches never dissolve and start to reject. As long as the incision is still good and out doesn’t seem infected, it’s probably just a matter of mitigating the irritation until it goes away. He should check with his doctor first, but I’d try some OTC steroid cream, antihistamine ointment, or lidocaine patches (not all at once, obviously) just to make it more tolerable and ensure that I wasn’t absent mindedly scratching it.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I anticipate seeing flying pigs before he sees that doc again. sigh.
        Anyway, he has stuff he uses for allergy so I will suggest that to help him avoid scratching it. Maybe he can gain some inroads that way.
        Saying see the doc causes instant hearing failure.

  63. Red Sky*

    Question for the cat people here.

    Background- I’ve got a foster that chronically scratches the back, base of his right ear. To the point he’s had a big, open wound and stitches. After a long time in a cone, the skin is pretty much healed, not sure if the fur will grow back, but so far it doesn’t look like it. He’s had his ears packed several times, completed steroids and is on antibiotics and topical Animax. Nothing seems to completely fix the issue. He’ll seem to be doing well for a while then the scratching will start again, to the point of breaking the skin. It’s just the back of that right ear that is the target; he does have swollen lymph nodes under the right side of his jaw and the antibiotics are helping with that. Right now it seems to be a process of throwing meds at him to see what works.

    Question- To try to limit the damage he can do to himself from scratching, I purchased a set of those cat nail caps- size Large- just for the right rear paw, but they seem to be too small. Are they supposed to cover most of the claw? If so, is there a trick to getting them on more than halfway up the claw? This cat is about 13 lbs and bit of a tank. He’s not fat, just stocky, and big boned and he does have rather large paws.

    I really don’t want to see him in a cone again, his personality really just becomes so flat and depressed when he has to wear that thing. Any tips or suggestions about nail caps, excessive scratching in just one spot, or what might be causing it are greatly appreciated!

    1. the*

      I’ve used nail caps back in the day and as long as they cover enough of the nail to stay on and the cat can retract the claws comfortably, they’ll probably be okay. My experience was that my cat freaked right out on first application but got used to it in an hour or so. I bought brightly colored ones so I could tell when they came off.

    2. Trixie*

      Have you tried a fabric cone? May help protect the ear but easier to wear than plastic cone.

      1. Red Sky*

        Ya, we switched him to a pillow cone as soon as we got him home. He did seem to appreciate it and became somewhat more engaged, but was still obviously lethargic/depressed.

    3. RC Rascal*

      I use the nail caps on the hind paws because my cat would not stop scratching her neck & was living in a cone or a sweater. This went on for 9 months & she was miserable but wouldn’t stop picking.

      I have a groomer put them on every 6 weeks. She doesn’t like her paws handled & it takes 2 at the groomer to deal with her. Recommend using the original Soft Paws. I think they come in XL?

    4. WS*

      Have you talked to the vet about anxiety medication, since it sounds like you’ve ruled out other causes? I had a cat who would bite the pads of his paws when he was anxious and then of course he would have sore feet and be upset about that. Medication (just for six weeks) really helped him.

      1. Lizzie*

        During the original issue, and then the surgery and healing process, it is possible that a nerve was damaged so that it sends intermittent signals telling him there is an itch. Poor boy! I have a couple of spots like that on my leg as leftover reminders of a back injury many years ago – my brain will start telling me there is something crawling on my leg. The fracked nerve may be in my spine for all I know, but I find that rubbing the spot on my leg helps override the ‘bug’ signal.

        Does your boy like his ears massaged or rubbed? If he does like it, ear massages may be helpful, and cheer him up a bit as well.

        Cat ears are so sensitive and are packed with nerves for air movement, touch, etc that he may even be responding to a signal of ‘there’s no fur where there should be fur, what’s up with that?” Best wishes to you both!

    5. Cat and dog fosterer*

      This is the classic, classic sign of ear mites. Cats will destroy the back base of their ears due to the itchiness. I assume that he’s been treated, but they are very contagious so you might want to treat again (we use Revolution), treat any other animals in the home, and clean out the ear (ideally at the vet clinic so they could get them really clean).

      I’m not sure if the claw covers will work, as I usually use a soft cone. It isn’t ideal but it gets them healed the fastest possible.

      1. Trixie*

        I notice a similar pattern for my cat when he is due for monthly treatment. I previously used Frontline but switched to Advantage II which works well for him.

    6. sswj*

      How is he with having his feet handled? I assume it’s not too bad since you got the claw caps on, so my suggestion would be weekly nail trims, and do them very short on that hind foot. Cat claws are pretty easy to do because they are almost always clear, and it’s pretty hard to quick them.

      I had a rescue cat who had the same thing – when I got her she had a gaping hole in her face from scratching, poor girl. She did start out in a cone, and then I switched to covering that back foot with medical tape, until she got smart about getting it off too quickly. By that point we’d built some trust between us and I was able to keep her claws very well trimmed. That did allow her to heal up fully, but it took a surprisingly long time for the itchiness to abate. Healing creates itchiness too, so maybe given time your guy’s ear will calm down too.

      1. RC Rascal*

        This is what happened with my girl. When I adopted her she had sores on her neck resulting from a reaction to the Frontline she received at the pound. They were like chemical burns & didn’t heal easily; the scabs would itch & she would scratch and it turned into a vicious 9 month cycle. The antidepressant they prescribed made her dopey & lethargic & I could tell she was generally unhappy. Then she figured out how to get a paw in the fabric cone! The nail caps are a godsend. Scratching reduced , sores healed, neck furry again , no drugs , happy happy kitty.

    7. Yellow Warbler*

      My cat who endlessly scratched (her microchip site never healed, over the eight years I had her) ended up being diagnosed with a grain allergy. Apparently it can manifest as itchy/crawly skin. Once we got her on the right food, her endless scratching calmed down to the point that she didn’t cause open wounds anymore. She also turned out to be long-haired; apparently the skin irritation made her fur fall out before it could grow out.

      1. Trixie*

        Same here regarding certain brands. My cat loves Fancy Feast pates but will then start scratching. (Not ears which is specific to when he is due for monthly treatment.) As long as he does not eat this, and has no ear mites, he generally does okay.

  64. It’s A Mystery*

    I found several small (about the size of a pencil eraser) pale pink stains on my sheets next to my pillow. It’s driving me crazy trying to figure out what the stains are from (I haven’t worn makeup recently, so it’s not that). They came up with a quick swipe of a Tide pen- no scrubbing needed. Any ideas on what this could be? Thanks!

    2. Belle*

      Could it be bed bugs? I hate to raise that possibility but I know when a friend had them from work she first noticed very small blood stains on her sheets and pillows.

      (She worked in a call center and got them from a shared space)

      1. It’s A Mystery*

        The stains were a very pale pink. I think blood would be darker- red or brown. Also, I’ve used Tide pens on (human) blood before and I had to rub vigorously. The stains came up with a quick swipe.

    3. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

      Something you ate or drank? Something that got on your clothes and rubbed off? Was it a round stain, like a drop of liquid that soaked in, or was it more irregular like a piece of something got rubbed in?

      1. It’s A Mystery*

        I don’t eat or drink in my bedroom. The stains were round. I can’t think of anything pale pink that I would have somehow transferred to my bed. I wish I knew why this was driving me crazy.

    4. FrozenSky*

      Did they appear overnight or could they have been created in the wash, something like colour running?

    5. fposte*

      Do you take ibuprofen or any other pills with a colored coating? Those can rub off like crazy, and if one stuck to you or your pjs it would happily leave a few round marks.

    6. Yellow Warbler*

      Is it on a part of the sheets that stays exposed, rather than getting covered when the bed is made? I tracked some very light brownish-red stains to our annual influx of stink bugs. It’s them crawling on the ceiling and…well, pooping. They make the same marks on door/window frames.

  65. Anima*

    Do you dye your hair? I have had black and red hair so far, and both could stain in blue, pink, orange and red even months after colouring – caution, gross incoming – when I would sleep with my mouth open and get saliva all over a strand of hair and my pillow all night. (Home dyed, if course.)

  66. piano playing tricks on mind*

    I’ve been studying the piano for a bit (had studied many years as a child, picked it up again in 2019), but I feel so frustrated with my progress. I just recorded myself playing my latest piece, because I thought it was really coming together but when I listened to it, it was like elephants were playing, it sounded really terrible. I now feel totally embarrassed I’ve been playing this to my teacher (who has been nothing but encouraging, but I really thought it sounded better than this). I have a very critical inner voice that I’ve worked hard to tame but this has really activated it to the point I want to avoid the piano and cancel my classes. I keep telling myself this is just for my enjoyment, I am not trying to be a professional pianist, but I am so disappointed, and I don’t know how I can play for my teacher again. Any ideas how to navigate this?

    1. Qwerty*

      Can you talk to your teacher about it? Maybe you can listen to the recording with her and she can help break down what you are hearing? Ask for specifics – those are easier to hold onto and use against your inner critic. Maybe it was better than you thought but your mind is focusing on a small aspect of it. Or maybe it sounds like a mess because you haven’t learned X yet and need to finish mastering some building blocks first. (like mastering fingering before working on volume/softness of the note)

      Do you have an actual piano at home or a keyboard? I’m assuming its a real one at your teacher’s place. I find that proper pianos can sound harsher when people are learning. Electronic keyboards are a lot more forgiving – if you have one of those, try messing with some settings or playing as a different instrument for a while (the clarinet setting usually sounds nice) to try and make it fun again.

    2. Shell*

      Music teacher here! You are being too hard on yourself! Recording yourself is a wonderful way to identify things you are struggling with, but I think you need to reconsider how you are listening to your recordings.

      Most people find listening to recordings difficult, but that is because they are only focusing on the things they do wrong. When I record myself, I always ask myself two questions: “What am I doing right?” and “What can I improve on?” So, I say, “Wow, my rhythm is fantastic, and I am nailing that tricky bit that used to be so hard for me! On the other hand, my tuning could be better . . .” This habit makes me see myself as a musician who actually has strong points (which people often hate to admit about themselves) as well as flaws, and who is working to improve.

      I also try to shut down the hostile inner voice by praising myself extravagantly on anything I do right, and then looking at my problems as something I can keep working on and will eventually solve. So, not, “Well, I guess my rhythm is mostly OK (for once), but I have ALWAYS sucked at tuning,” but “I have AMAZING rhythm, and I am going to devote a little more time this month to thinking about how to improve my tuning.” Most students are willing to beat themselves up over every problem, but hesitate to claim they do anything well. In my own head, I try to reverse that whenever possible.

      As someone who has heard a lot of amateurs play, I also want to say that a performance doesn’t have to be perfect to be enjoyable! Music is wonderful, and being able to produce it (at any level) is a gift!

    3. Purt’s Peas*

      There’s a really good graph that sometimes goes around—search “art cycle by shattered-earth”—that illustrates how your eye/ear for art improves at a different rate than your technical skill. So sometimes when your technical skill improves faster than your ear/eye for art, you’re like “wow I’m great!” But when your perception skill improves faster—you’re like “dang I stink.” This is a time when you’re about to really improve. I find this graph really helpful—I wonder if it’d help you figure out where you are.

      Also, you’re not in piano lessons because you’re a perfect pianist. You’re there to learn piano, and intrinsic to the learning process is starting out not knowing something. Your teacher is being encouraging neither because they’re trying to lie to you about your progress nor because they misguidedly thinks you’re a savant, but because you’re working and progressing.

      Can you tell your teacher that you listened to the recording and feel like you’re not doing so well? Can you listen to it together a couple times and get their feedback on it? I bet they have really different things to say than your inner voice does.

    4. Sarah*

      I also have a very critical inner voice and a tendency to perfectionism and I’ve found that a struggle with my hobby, which is learning a foreign language. When getting writing or exams back with lots of corrections on it’s really hard not to go into “aaaaugh, how could I even DARE to present something so terrible, why do I even think I can do this, I’m so ashamed”, even though I know it’s important when learning a new skill to push yourself and make mistakes!
      Some stuff that has helped for me:
      – remembering why I started doing this and what I want to be able to do with the skill – so, for me, that was reading stories in the target language that I genuinely liked and wanted to be able to understand. Similarly, when I had singing lessons in my youth, I enjoyed using what I was learning to sing songs I just really liked, in addition to the ones I did in class. So, maybe something like that for you – trying to enjoy playing pieces you like, and trying to keep in mind how great it is that you can do that at all?
      – definitely second talking to your teacher and being like “I don’t like how this sounds, what are the issues I am hearing and what can I do better?” Knowing the specific areas you can work on rather than being in a fog of “IT IS TERRIBLE” is good, I think
      – talking to others or reading others’ experience about learning the thing, reminding myself that everyone is having their own challenges and we’re all in the same boat – and that I’m not judging the heck out of THEM for making mistakes, so why should I be so hard on myself?

    5. merope*

      These are all good comments here. I would add that you are listening with ears that have been hearing excellent performances for many years, but you need to remember that your fingers have only been working for a few years at this level. That is, you can’t (and shouldn’t) expect your performance to be perfection — indeed many of the performances you might have listened to were not originally perfect; editing has helped those along quite a ways! Think about where you were a month ago, or a year ago, and listen to how far you have come since then. From what you have written, you have improved a lot on this piece since you started, and you should celebrate that!

    6. piano playing tricks on mind*

      Thank you so all much for your kind replies and ideas. They are really helpful as I move to a better place.

  67. Qwerty*

    Does anyone wear shorts under skirts/dresses? If so, do you have brands that you recommend that give both coverage and aren’t visible? I’m not exactly sure how to describe what I’m looking for, so even a name for the style would be helpful! I’m trying to get the advantages of wearing tights like preventing thigh chafing and an extra layer of modesty in case the skirt becomes askew (I am not graceful, live in a windy area where some dresses have blown way up, and have small nephews who I like to play with).

    I feel like there were ads a few years back for fashion leggings that stopped above the knee but I can’t find them. I’m on the “skinny” side and all I can find in smaller sizes is tiny athletic shorts (which do not cover the thighs and are tight) or compression shapewear (again, very tight). Is what I’m looking for an actual thing?

    1. Never Nicky*

      Yes – if you search for “chub rub”or “anti chafing” you should find something. I like the Snag tights version – opaque and come in funky colours and a huge range of sizes.

    3. Purt’s Peas*

      I use athletic compression shorts—basically bike shorts without the butt padding (chamois). It’s possible to get them very tight but if you get the right size they should ideally just be form fitting.

    5. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Search on “slip shorts” – my preferred are the Jockey brand, which are called Skimmies, but if you’re looking on Amazon, you have to specify “Jockey Skimmies” because otherwise Amazon assumes you meant “skinnies” and pops up a bunch of low-calorie booze. :P anyway, “slip shorts” will give you more brand options. I like the Jockey cooling ones personally, but I have a couple in other brands (I think Vassarette is one) that have all worked fine.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Some of the Jockeys are advertised as shapewear, but I have not found them to be overly constrictive – think regular tights, not like control top hose, only with a flat waistband so they don’t roll over.

      2. Alex*

        Seconding recommendation for Skimmies! They’re great. They come in multiple lengths and I prefer the longer ones because the shorter ones ride up a bit.

      3. Damn it, Hardison!*

        Second the recommendation for Jockey Skimmies. I don’t find them to be restrictive like shapewear (e.g.Spanx). They also come in 2 lengths, which is good as I find the longer ones just a bit too long if I wear something at the knee or slightly above. They are less expensive on the Jockey web site than on Amazon. I also have a couple from Vassarette that work fine.

    6. violet04*

      I like the Jockeys slip shorts. I have several pairs because I wear dresses frequently in the summer.

    8. MinotJ*

      Athleta! They have bike shorts with pockets! I wear them under all my skirts and dresses. They offer them in specific lengths too, so you can get 3”, 5”, 7”, and 9” inseams. Maybe I’m still a bratty 2nd grader, but I love hiking up my skirt to pull my phone or my wallet out of my shorts.

    9. Dark Macadamia*

      Undersummers is another good brand of slip shorts – they have a couple different styles (length, lace, color) and are very comfy.

    10. Claire (Scotland)*

      Snag make chub rub shorts which are fab, and have allowed me to wear skirts in summer for the last couple of years after decades of not doing so (also their tights are amazing).

      1. Lizzie*

        Back in the early seventies (in Australia) it was all the rage for schoolgirls to wear “witches britches” over their knickers – they came down to mid thigh, were often brightly coloured with some horizontal rows of lace, and very warm in the winter months under your school uniform! They were considered a bit adventurous, and my parents did not approve of them.

        2. pancakes*

          I love the names Australians give things. I’m tucking witches britches away in my mind-folder next to the budgie smugglers.

  68. Tired and Sleepy*

    I posted here several months ago about an online friend I was exchanging long e-mail messages back and forth with. At the time, my friend always took at least 2 weeks to respond, while I usually responded the next day or within a few days because I like to answer e-mails right away. I was starting to feel weird about the “uneven” response times, and was less enthusiastic about responding in general, and asked the community here if I had to “warn” my friend if I suddenly started taking my time to respond. The consensus was that I didn’t have to give a warning.

    So I started taking about a week to respond, and they continued taking two weeks, which was fine. Until in the last several months, they started taking a month or more to respond. The e-mails are now awkward to respond to because some of their comments are off (like they’re misremembering things I said in my last message because it’s been so long) and they’re short so there isn’t much to respond to (and I’m finding it hard to think of things to say). I end up putting off responding for a couple weeks because it feels like a chore now. They actually followed up when I forgot to respond for like six weeks once. I apologized and said that I’ve been really stressed out and depressed about certain things and not sleeping well and was tired all the time.

    At this point would it be okay to just ghost them? I feel guilty, but they sent me a message two weeks ago and I just have no motivation to respond.

    1. BRR*

      I would let them know you’re going to stop. Just use a general phrase like “just letting you know I’m not going to be able to keep up with our emails. Didn’t want you to worry!”

      1. Tired and Sleepy*

        I actually did that once when I was in college. I had an online friend that I exchanged e-mails with very frequently for a few months, and I ended up having to stop. Sent them a final message explaining that I’d been having increasingly bad wrist pain from being on the computer so much, (for school, for my part time job, and being online in my free time), and was going to have to stop getting on e-mail. Told them I’d really enjoyed talking to them about whatever and whatever and tried to be kind about it. Felt really stupid afterwards because they didn’t respond. (I wasn’t expecting much, just an acknowledgement like “Cool, thanks for letting me know.” or “I enjoyed talking to you to.”)

    2. CJM*

      It would be okay, but I think you’d feel better if you tapered off rather than ghosted. It sounds like the exchanges are fading out, so you can fade out in a gracious way that helps to prevent feelings of unkindness and regret that sometimes come with ghosting. I’d send one more email that’s very brief and say there’s really nothing new to share, and you hope they’re doing well. If that turns out to be your last email, you’ll have ended on a kind note.

      1. Tired and Sleepy*

        That’s a good idea. It sounds very low effort, and maybe they’ll just stop responding.

    3. twocents*

      Is this a friend you want to keep in some form? If the answer is yes, then I would suggest at least sending back something like “hey, I’m getting pretty drained on email, how about [alternate method of connecting].”

      I had a friend who was an actual mail pen pal once, and it was a lot of fun and no pressure to send responses back immediately, and then she wanted to switch to an email, almost daily connection, and I let her know that wasn’t going to work for me when I spend all day everyday emailing for my job. Our messages ended up stopping altogether, but at least it wasn’t someone doing something they disliked.

      1. Tired and Sleepy*

        I’m really not sure if I want to keep them as a friend. It was fun talking to them in the beginning, but it’s harder for me to feel connected to someone when the “conversation” is so spaced out (I eventually felt less enthused knowing it’d take two weeks for a response, and then the month or longer respond time exasperated that). Now that I’m dealing with personal things that are sucking up all my spoons, if I feel like talking to anyone my immediate choice is people I talk to frequently. So, I don’t know, maybe I’d feel differently if I wasn’t miserable and tired right now?

        I can’t really think of an alternate method of connecting right now.

        1. Undine*

          Could you say that? “Things are really crazy right now, so I’m taking a break. Maybe we can get in touch again when these strange times are over.”

      2. Tired and Sleepy*

        And, thinking about your post, I guess I shouldn’t feel guilty about not wanting to respond anymore. We have different communication preferences, so we’re not really compatible.

    4. Generic Name*

      I think it sounds like this friendship has run it’s course. You aren’t getting anything positive out of it. I don’t think you need to “break up” with them, but maybe respond with a few sentences if you feel like it. And if you don’t, don’t.

      1. Tired and Sleepy*

        CJM suggested sending a brief message too. If they don’t respond that’s okay and I won’t have to feel guilty about being the one to ghost. And I guess if I want to reach out to them again at some point, then it’ll be more acceptable to do that if I wasn’t the ghoster.

    5. Fellow Traveller*

      Carolyn Hax had a really thoughtful column today about finding peace with relationships by adjusting your expectations to suit one’s present situations. Her words might be helpful for you?

      https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/advice/carolyn-hax-is-it-time-for-mom-to-revisit-her-expectations-of-a-distant-son/2021/04/21/f1c0646c-9e19-11eb-b7a8-014b14aeb9e4_story.html?utm_campaign=wp_carolyn_hax&utm_medium=email&utm_source=newsletter&wpisrc=nl_hax&carta-url=https%3A%2F%2Fs2.washingtonpost.com%2Fcar-ln-tr%2F3209804%2F60854bd79d2fda39cec99c91%2F596a0ce19bbc0f6d71c90b33%2F6%2F27%2F60854bd79d2fda39cec99c91

      1. Tired and Sleepy*

        Thanks for the link! I think my situation is a little different. I’m not hurt or frustrated by the long response lag (I understand not everyone can/wants to respond to e-mails quickly), and I don’t miss them (now that it takes them a month to respond, I kind of just forget about them until I see a message in my inbox). I think it’s more like how Generic Name said I’m not getting anything positive out of the relationship at this point.

  69. Feeling very stuck with old clothes*

    Generally, how do you motivate yourself to do tasks you strongly avoid? Specifically, I feel absolutely stuck going through old clothes I haven’t worn in years. (I plan to donate anything in decent shape but worry items will end up in a landfill.) Part of the challenge is my everyday procrastination, and part of it is emotional baggage from my teen years, when clothes were precious because I had so few. (My parents gave us kids the bare minimum in food, clothing, and attention.) Now I tend to hoard clothes — far more than I can ever wear, and many no longer fit. I’m upset with myself for avoiding this chore like the plague. I want space and tidiness in my life, not mountains of old clothes. Do I need professional coaching or therapy for this? I’d be grateful for insights and tips. I should add that I rarely buy clothes these days and mostly shop resale when I do, so this isn’t about spending too much or actively adding to the piles.

    1. ThatGirl*

      If the thought of actually doing it fills you with dread or anxiety, you might benefit from therapy. Sounds like you might anyway! But if you just need help getting started, make it an appointment with yourself. Block off time, get some music, a glass of your favorite beverage, and set a timer for whatever seems reasonable – 30, 45, 60 minutes. And just start sorting. Be ruthless – if you haven’t worn it in a year (and it’s not special occasion wear), donate it. See how it goes, see how far you get and how you feel, and take it from there.

    2. twocents*

      I would start really small. Like agree to make a decision on exactly one item of clothing and then you have permission to stop. Look up BJ Fogg’s Ted Talks on Tiny Habits; he’s talking about habits, but I think you could apply the lesson to anything where you need to do a thing but the effort required exceeds your motivation.

      I agree that if you think this is an actual hoarding problem, you may want to connect with a therapist who specializes in that, but if it’s more that it just feels too daunting to start, then pick a really, really small starting place.

    3. Yellow Warbler*

      If you donate directly (like through a buy-nothing group) you will directly see the recipient eager to receive the items. Maybe that would be more motivating than a nameless/faceless charity drop-off?

    4. AGD*

      I keep very casually wondering if I should explore the idea of picking up a side gig as a professional organizer, because for some reason I love the idea of sitting down with people and helping sort and declutter their old things, especially clothes and books. I think it’s unlikely to happen in my case given how many other things I have going on (my day job is intense!), but there may be actual (rather than hypothetical) professional organizers in your area who could help!

    5. Still*

      Do you have enough space to make it a little ongoing project for yourself? Set up a couple of boxes (to donate and to recycle /throw away), grab a basket of clothes that need to be sorted through, and just leave them there. Whenever you’re waiting for the microwave to beep or the kettle to boil, you can just grab two or three items, put them in one of the boxes, and call it a day.

      You’re not parting with the clothes just yet, you’re just putting them in a box. And maybe one day you’ll decide to put that box in the trunk of your car. And from there it might be easier to drop it off at a charity shop.

      I realise that having the boxes out and in your field of vision all the time might be the exact opposite of what you want! I just know that for me what works is making every step as small and manageable as possible.

      Maybe it would help to put up a reminder for yourself as well? Cheesy as it is, it might be good to remind yourself that you’re doing okay, you’re safe, you have everything you need, and that by donating the clothes you’re choosing to give yourself more space to breathe.

      Good luck!

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I’ve had some luck with self-bribery too — “I really want to watch XYZ, but before I can do that, I need to put five things in the Goodwill box.”

    6. NeonFireworks*

      Textile recycling is a thing in a lot of places (most H&M stores accept bags of worn out textiles and might even give out store coupons in return). I even know of someone who does refashioning/upcycling as a hobby and loves finding slightly damaged clothes to turn into new items.

    7. Aly_b*

      I’d you’re thrifting when you buy new clothes, does it help to try to sell the old clothes to the thrift store for store credit, and think of them as turning some old clothes that don’t fit fairly directly into some great new clothes (for free!) that you love? This may not be the ideal method for paring down, but personally I love to take in a big bag of items and try to come home with one (1) new sweater or something that I really like. It makes it an exciting outing to look forward to and I can immediately start to see the benefit of having more space and being able to really make my wardrobe what I want.

    8. Wool Princess*

      Is there a friend or loved one who would help you go through them? Even by Zoom/video call, someone who wouldn’t mind watching you go through them?

    9. Not A Manager*

      I’d like to gently push back on the “landfill” concern. These are items that are not useful to you currently. Right now, they are not landfill but they are sort of closet fill in that they are not being used at all.

      If you donate them, the place that you donate them to has an incentive to put them to the most practical use possible within their setup. If it’s too costly for them to get your clothing to a worthy client or purchaser, you wouldn’t actually want them to allocate those resources anyway, yes? If it would cost Goodwill $5 in overhead to move your one tee shirt to a storefront where it would sell for $.50, that would be a bad outcome.

      But any decent place that you donate to doesn’t want to forego income, either. They will only put your items in a landfill if that’s really the most economically efficient choice. Most likely, they will sell your less-desirable items in bulk to people that ship them for sale to other countries, or for scrap. This is not exactly the same as just throwing them away. You are in fact benefitting their cause even if the clothing isn’t repurposed exactly as you’d wish.

      I’d encourage you to read Marie Kondo’s book (the first one, IDK if she’s written others). It’s pretty fluffy and there’s a lot of filler in there, but I found the few underlying precepts to be really useful. For you, learning to say goodbye and let the items go into the world to serve a new purpose might be helpful to you.

    10. Feeling very stuck with old clothes*

      Thanks, everyone, for your thoughtful and helpful replies! I’ll try out all of your suggestions. I hope a combination of taking baby steps, asking myself smart questions, and finding good places for my old clothes will get me to a better place. If that doesn’t work, it’s time to call in some outside help. Now I have a plan!

    11. HannahS*

      On the landfill front, one thing you can consider is offering clothes in “batches” for free on Facebook marketplace, like a group of five winter sweaters, or a bunch of t-shirts, or whatever. That way, you know it’s going to a person…and they come get it from you, so it can be very convenient.

    12. Skeeder Jones*

      I struggle getting motivated to do almost all household tasks. I just get overwhelmed and have no momentum. What works for me is to reduce each task to the smallest task possible. So if I needed to go through clothes, it would be to go through a bag/drawer of clothes, or some other set amount that I can easily achieve. Right now I’m gearing up to move and so there’s a ton to do and I don’t really want to do any of it. So my list breaks down a bunch of things like make boxes, or gather item x, pack drawer y, etc. I went from getting nothing done 2 weeks ago to getting more than half of my (very long list) finished. Once I get started and complete one task, I have momentum to keep going. Also, I love crossing things off a list. Hope that helps!

    13. D3*

      I have similar issues from childhood, so I can relate. I generally invite a friend to come over and help me sort, then they take the things to drop off at a charity for me.

    14. MissCoco*

      Any chance to make it fun (or at least less awful?) I’d normally enlist a friend to come over and sit on my bed or floor and chat to me while I worked, but now I’d ask if they’d be up do a call.
      Idea being that I also hate this task, but often once I do one good session, it’s far less miserable than I anticipate, so easier to keep chipping away at it.

      I also always enlist my partner to actually do the donation, and to do it the same day, because the part that feels good is having less clothes, not having a great big bag of stuff that’s another chore. So I have help getting started and then once I’m done, I am done and don’t have to do the final step.

      I also am a big fan of saving one TV show or podcast that I am only allowed to consume during Dreaded Task

      Finally, I mostly don’t love Marie Kando’s cleaning philosophy, but I like the idea of “this served a purpose and now I’m letting it go” because I can struggle with guilt over not wearing something I purchased years ago, and that shame isn’t productive when going through clothes. Also the idea of keeping only what I truly love is helpful, since I also tend towards hoarding clothes. That does mean I have a couple dresses from high school that truly don’t fit, but there is room in my closet, and occasionally I fondly run my hand over them and admire their beauty, and I think that’s an OK reason to keep an object.

    15. Not So NewReader*

      I was not allowed much in clothes and food growing up either. My parents had plenty of each but……
      Anyway. I have a few thoughts.
      — Sometimes it’s not so much letting go of the clothes, it’s more about feeling confident that you will get more clothes in the future. For this, I started picking stuff up at tag sales and consignment shops. Bonus: I no longer go through the math calculations for how much I paid for each garment as I toss it out. It was a $1, who cares?

      –Borrowing from the book, “Taming the Paper Tiger”, the author recommends sort as you go along. With that I put two bags in my room near the closet. One is for clothes that are rags and one is for clothes to be donated. I put something on in the morning and suddenly realize it has a hole, it can go right into the rag bag and I move on for something else. It’s amazing how much you can clear out just doing this. Other things I push out of the closet are clothes that make me feel fat, frumpy, old-styled and so on. Why wear something that is a downer? With the technique here you only put things into the bags that you are 200% certain you do not want.

      –Because cleaning the clothes closet can involve so much overthinking like you are talking about here I decided to do shorter runs and do it more often. This is great because I don’t have to do it perfectly the first time, nor do I have to do it perfectly the second time. My rule of thumb is when in doubt keep it. Why turn this into torture? If I dunno, then I just put it back in the closet.
      I started cleaning my clothes closet during the winter because I get really warm trying things on to see if they even fit any more.
      My rules are pretty minimal- the closures have to work; no holes allowed and the garment should hang nicely on me.
      When I first started, I would get half way through and be exhausted because of the extra baggage I carried in my head. So rather than press on, I decided to be happy with what I did do and I would try again in a while (usually another year).

      Typically, I’d get 2 bags out of the closet and drawers when I did this. But this year I must have had a break through because I got 7 bags full out of there.
      You know, it is nice feeling that I can wear everything in my closet. I am not hanging on to something for reasons real or imagined. I think that key thing I want to share here is that this took a LOOONG time. I think it took me a couple decades to reach this 7-bag moment. Respect your own concerns, do what you can as you can.
      By the sheer fact you want to get to a better place you probably will.

      I remember a brown sweater I had in 8th grade. The thing stretched out, A LOT. So it still fit me when I was in my mid-30s. It was so hard to let go of the sweater because of History. I never wore it, I just moved it from apartment to apartment. I did not actually like the sweater but it represented weeks of arguing in order to get the sweater. Finally one day, I decided I was going to toss it. Well, where would it end up??? I had to remind myself that I am not throwing out a sentient being/old friend. It did not matter where it ended up. I had actually been done with it for over 10 years by then. I put it in the garbage. (Remember it was stretched beyond belief.)

      And all I felt was FREE. That sweater was such a ball and chain. I was in a new era. The old rules of “save everything because who knows when there will be more” were over. I could make new rules that were more fitting for my new setting. It’s okay to make new rules for your wardrobe.

      1. Feeling very stuck with old clothes*

        Thank you very much for sharing all that. You’ve described some of my emotional challenges, and it’s nice to know someone else understands so well. I especially appreciate your encouragement to be patient with myself.

  70. Never Nicky*

    I’ve taken tips about decluttering from many places, and I don’t know if this is something I’ve read, or something I came up with, but when I look at something, I ask myself “Am I keeping this for who I am now, who I was in the past, or who I wanted to be?”

    Quite often, the item turns are linked to the latter two and so have an air of disappointment tied to them but by acknowledging that I can let them go, and to someone who will only see the positives in them.

    This has really helped, particularly with clothes, books and anything else I feel vaguely guilty about.

    2. Feeling very stuck with old clothes*

      Thank you, Never Nicky! I’ll definitely start asking myself that, and I think it will help.

  71. C3PO*

    Has anyone else who reads here been diagnosed with ADHD as an adult? I recall reading posts in the open threads about that subject before. I know I can cause people to be miffed but I do not like being on medication, even though it helps things like being on time or staying focused at work. I just feel more like myself. Would be interested in hearing from anyone else, particularly anyone diagnosed as an adult.

    1. Qwerty*

      Not diagnosed, but strongly believe I have it. When a bunch of research came out about how it presents differently in women, it’s like my life suddenly made sense, especially why some things were so hard as a child. The big change for me was understanding the reasoning behind certain behaviors allowed me to come up with better workarounds for them. For example, there’s a difference with perception of time into “now” and “not now”. So not bringing myself to start some tasks is because it’s currently in the “not now” category and I need to find a way to move it to “now” – maybe that means setting an artificial deadline for each step of a larger project or focusing on the fact that I want to wear a particular pair of socks to trick myself into doing laundry today. I developed a new vocabulary for when my brain is not cooperating – it is untethered – so I can focus on dealing with the underlying issue rather than getting mad at myself.

      I’m also not a medication person – I don’t know whether I would benefit since I’ve never talked to my doctor about it and tend to limit pharmaceuticals since I am prone to side effects. However, I have found a lot of help in reading about alternate or supplemental ways to help manage ADHD. There have been some studies which show certain nutrient deficiencies like magnesium are common and can make symptoms worse (unknown whether the ADHD is causing or caused by the deficiencies, right now they are just correlated). I found really focusing on my diet helped a lot. I also give myself time for my brain to just take a break – today I’m really not doing much besides watching TV while sometimes also doing a puzzle. Brain gets a break so I can focus more tomorrow.

    2. RagingADHD*

      Are you saying you’re dxed and that’s how you feel on ADHD meds?

      Stimulants are certainly a different mode of consciousness,but it didn’t feel like not-me. Just like me on a really good day, when I had plenty of sleep and was highly motivated.

      OTOH, non-stimulants don’t feel like I’m on anything at all. I can tell they are working because I can see objective results, but it’s all much more subtle. If you haven’t tried that option, it might be something to discuss with your doc.

      You can also look at all the different behavioral interventions that can help. The meds help them work better, but they still work on their own too.

    3. ATX*

      I was at age 19. I was on vyvanse for a few years (which was great through college), but hated the way it made my heart feel. My resting heart rate was so high, over 100 bpm, even with lowering my dose to 20 mg vs 60. I decided that it wasn’t worth the long term risks and found ways to cope with it and get done what I needed to at work.

      I’ve been off it almost 10 years now and will never go back to using it, no matter how effective it was.

  72. Southern Academic*

    Does it happen to anybody else, that you post on social media for sympathy / to get frustrations off your chest and are swamped with a flood of advice?

    It’s well-meaning (so I don’t want to criticize! People are trying to be nice!) but also never really fits and all I want or need is for someone to acknowledge that X is sucky.

    Gah.

    1. 2QS*

      I used to do this and have been attempting to change. I was raised without the understanding that venting can be for its own sake. In my family, to this day, if you complain, you are asking for advice. If you don’t want advice, you keep it to yourself. Countering this pattern has been difficult for me, as my instincts have left me with a powerful conviction that the only helpful way of responding is to make suggestions – that just sympathizing is lazy and useless at best. It is hard to see this as an illusion.

      1. Southern Academic*

        I mean, I have also been trying to change this! In my family, “love” meant “helping” and so my gut instinct is, what can I do / say that will help my friend?

        But on the receiving side of it, it’s so rarely actually helpful or wanted that I’ve come to see other responses, or just affirming, as more valuable.

        1. Georgia*

          When you post these things, do you state that you aren’t looking for advice, just sympathy? I find making my needs clear tends to cut down on the unwanted advice, and at least then I can feel justified in being annoyed if people do ignore that request.

          1. Southern Academic*

            I guess I feel like I shouldn’t HAVE to state that I’m not looking for advice. When I want advice, I ask for it pretty explicitly.

            1. Georgia*

              In that case, I think you just have to accept that people can’t read your mind and won’t know what you are looking for. Some will therefore try to help because that’s what they would want when they post like that. They’d probably be mortified that their efforts to be supportive are making you feel bad!

              I guess I don’t see why you’d be ok with stating it when you are looking for advice but not when you aren’t. What’s the difference to you? (That is rhetorical, but I do think it’s worth thinking about why you feel differently and what that says about these situations.)

            2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

              See, conversely, a lot of us have the notion that if you didn’t want advice on a situation, you either wouldn’t bring it up, or you would explicitly say that you’re not looking for resolution, just venting. I personally have a hard time wrapping my head around the idea of just wanting to complain about something rather than wanting solutions to work on remedying it.

              I think it’s like the Ask vs Guess thing – I also don’t understand the notion that my friends would tell me something with the unspoken assumption that I’m somehow supposed to recognize that they actually mean the exact opposite and I’m the uncultured heathen for not understanding that. :) Fixers assume that you’re bringing up problems because, of course, you want them fixed and need advice on such a thing, and Venters assume that everyone knows that if you wanted advice on fixing the problems you’d have asked for it.

            3. LDF*

              It sounds like you’ve veered away from “everyone wants advice when they share a problem” to “actually, no one ever wants advice when they share a problem”. But I think your new conclusion is just as false as your original one. Different people have different wants when they share problems. People aren’t going to know your preference unless you lay it out and unless you’re very close, it’s not reasonable to expect them to go through you collected social media posts and notice a pattern of which ones want advice and which don’t. It might feel better for you to just ask for what you want/don’t want instead of spending time on shoulds.

    2. Qwerty*

      Is this post one of those times when you don’t actually want advice? This almost feels like a trap since the point of the weekend thread is to have discussions (From the rules: no venting without a desire for advice )

      Social media tends to be used similarly for having discussions. If you were talking to a friend, it is common for people to say “I need to vent about this for a minute” as a signal that they just want to share what is going on without asking for advice. But when you just launch into your vent without a preface, the person you are talking to has to guess whether you want advice or are bonding with them. When you post on social media, this interaction is being multiplied across every person who sees your post on their feed and there’s only a 50% chance if they know whether you are asking for help or sharing.

      Except, you don’t want either of those options. You only want someone to say “poor you” (or silence? I can’t tell if you’d be offended if zero people responded to these posts), which isn’t really appealing to the people currently in your network. Some people solve this by curating their connections to just be a sympathy echo chamber. If you don’t want to disconnect from the advice-givers, maybe be clear at the start of your post (like you would when venting with a friend). “I just want sympathy right now” or “I’m just dumping my negative feelings on others” – it gives the advice people the chance to stop reading right there and ignore the message since they can’t participate in the conversation.

      2. BRR*

        This is a great response. And yeah I can’t tell if the original post is venting or asking for advice. As you say unless you curate your crowd, I don’t think it’s even 50/50. I think more people than 50-% tend to lean towards the advice giving side. The simple solution is saying “just venting, not looking for advice.” In general it’s always better to be clear than to go with “I want you to read my mind but don’t like when you get it wrong.”

      3. Mstr*

        “I’m just dumping my negative feelings on others” … IDK is that really something that’s fair or necessary to do? And is it reasonable to expect only a certain response that makes you feel good (even though you’re making others feel bad)?

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Unfortunately, this is where I land. Not the venter’s fault that there have been 10, 000 venters previously and I am worn out by it all. But dang!, I am worn out by it all. So yep, I quickly learned to successfully remove venting from my life that offering advice usually stops venting effectively. But it does attract people who want to fix things and this is a new difficulty where their problems get harder and harder to remedy. So there is that.

          My wise friend used to say that venting only perpetuates the problem. The reward for listening to venting is that I get to listen to more venting. And yeah, some of the stuff makes me feel awful. But the venter goes on and has a great day.

    3. Washi*

      Is there a reason why you post on social media rather than texting a friend (for example)? I understand the desire for some sympathy but a social media post wouldn’t give me the same emotional satisfaction of a close friend validating my feelings, plus then I can reach out to someone I know will understand the specific thing I’m going through. Posting on social media seems too hit-or-miss for me.

    4. llamaswithouthats*

      I don’t post on social media but the general dynamic of “just want to vent but getting unwanted advice” is frustrating. It’s always well-meaning, but I think advice givers don’t take into account that the person dealing with a persistent issue has already thought through and attempted the obvious solutions.

    5. D3*

      okay, so here’s what you need to do…..
      Just kidding. I won’t do that here.
      I’ve experienced that, too. And it’s not fun.

    6. Yellow Warbler*

      Basically since Usenet and the Eternal September, yes. It’s just…how online communication goes. It’s designed to be reacted to, and people who regularly interact online are probably more inclined towards a problem-solving mentality than those who do not.

      If I just want a listening board for my ranting, I turn to a RL person and say “I just need to vent”.

    7. StudentA*

      I think you’ll be happier if you ignore the advice and focus on the responses you do like. Sometimes people are not even thinking they’re giving advice, they’re just sharing their own experiences.

      I do agree with other posters who said you’d cut down on advice by just saying this is a vent, not looking for advice. It’s not guaranteed to weed out advice, many people’s brains just move in the problem solving direction when they hear a complaint.

    8. Chaz22*

      It’s really hard to tell from your post here whether you want sympathy or advice, so I’m guessing people who read your social media posts feel the same way.

    9. Generic Name*

      No, it doesn’t really happen to me. Probably because I don’t vent on social media. I typically vent to my friends or my husband or my diary. :)

  73. Goose*

    My cat loves her new Catit digger feeder! But she is too good at it. Is there any way to make it harder for her?

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