weekend open thread – May 1-2, 2021

by Alison Green on May 1, 2021

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand.

Here are the rules for the weekend posts.

Book recommendation of the week: What Could Be Saved, by Liese O’Halloran Schwarz. Two sisters are contacted by a man claiming to be their brother who disappeared decades earlier when they were kids. It alternates between the story of their reunion and what happened to their family 47 years ago, and it’s beautifully written and riveting.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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  1. DistantAudacity*

    I’m getting an airfryer!

    I know about using it for the potato chips (fries), of course, and I’m excited about trying it out on tofu, and also chicken.

    What are your best (or worst!) airfryer tips/tricks/recipes?

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Anything drippy, put the broiler pan at the bottom rack to save yourself killer clean up!
        We adore the bread proofing setting on ours; it gave us consistent rise all through wacky winter weather.

    2. L6orac6*

      Hard boiled eggs for salads, cook for 15 minutes at 130 C or 266 F, run under cold water and into a container with ice for about half an hour or so in the fridge. Beats cooking in a saucepan, I usually forget until it smells and all the water is gone.

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I do sausage and root veg in mine, kinda like a sheet pan roast? Chunk up the root veg (always potatoes, sometimes also a combination of carrots, sweet potatoes and/or butternut squash) and smoked sausage into bite-sized chunks, toss them with a bit of olive oil and seasonings (I do salt, pepper, garlic and Italian seasoning usually, but whatever), into the fryer bin for about 12-14 minutes at 425. I used to do this in the oven, but it takes 40-45 minutes that way, plus pre-heating time – air fryer makes it SO much faster. (I tried it in the instant pot too, but between pressurizing up and then depressurizing, the time wasn’t actually any better than in the oven, plus the root veg didn’t get that nice crisp on them the way they do in the oven or air fryer.)

      1. Natalie*

        Huh, I didn’t know you could roast things in an airfryer. This sounds really similar to one of my staple winter recipes (just replace the sausage w haloumi or feta since I don’t eat much meat) and I love it but it requires so much planning ahead, something my husband and I are both terrible at.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Yep! It’s basically a mini convection oven, so most things you can do in an oven you can also do in the air fryer, it’s just a question of getting them to fit :)

    5. Chilipepper*

      I am buying an air fryer! Any suggestions of which one to get?
      I will be doing veggies only, want one that will dehydrate, and have lots of counter space.
      Quality and easy of cleaning are important to me.
      Any suggestions?

      1. DistantAudacity*

        I got the Philips airfryer.

        It’s a gift to me, but it’s because my dad and his wife are so pleased with the one we gave them for Christmas :)

      2. KaciHall*

        I have a ninja foodi and it’s my favorite thing I’ve ever big. Bit of a splurge, but it does pressure cooking and air frying, along with baking, broiling, dehydrating, I bring it to work for potlucks and cook cheesy garlic pull apart bread because I did it once and now I have to every time. I’ve made everything bbq pork, hot sauce, firecracker chicken, mozzarella sticks, I’ve even used it a a broiler to crisp up meringue on a pie.

      3. Seeking Second Childhood*

        We got a Cosori partly because the other brand with the features we wanted had reviews talking about sharp edges inside. The only frustration is we haven’t been able to find anyone selling a second air-fryer basket. It’s been in daily use for over a year because it’s a more consistent heat than our kitchen oven!

    6. BRR*

      I’ve read cooking sprays might be bad for baskets so get a spray bottle for canola oil. The americas test kitchen chicken nuggets is one of my favorite recipes.

    8. MissB*

      Some folks buy a stainless steel basket to use in theirs.

      I have an air fryer lid for my instant pot so it’s not a free standing air fryer.

      I love cooking bacon in it, because the grease drops off the bacon and down into the pot. Bacon isn’t healthy but at least this way it’s not cooking in the grease.

      Fish is good in the air fryer. I do chicken breasts too. Breakfast potatoes are good.

    9. GoryDetails*

      I got a small air fryer a while back (roughly $60 I think?) and have found it easy to use, and – for some things – quite marvelous. My favorite use of it so far is for chicken wings, whether Buffalo-style or with other types of sauces or seasonings; the size is perfect for a single serving, the wings come out nicely crispy, the cleanup’s not bad, and I plan to keep the gadget in rotation for that alone. But I also found that it works beautifully for the frozen Portuguese custard tarts from Trader Joe’s – bought them on a whim, saw the air-fryer option in the instructions, gave it a try, and was delighted.

      Also great for veggie chips or “fries”, whether potato or other types. Eggplant fries are surprisingly good!

    10. Hi Hello*

      Watch your timing until you get to know your air fryer. I would stand near it when you cook a particular item in there for the first time because instructions don’t take into account air drying times. Sometimes it’s quicker.

      But it’s easy and makes good food.

    11. Wry*

      We’ve made really great chicken wings in it. You can keep it really simple – just salt, pepper, Parmesan, and parsley – and they come out amazing. Also try Brussels sprouts!

    12. RussianInTexas*

      Cauliflower! Toss in olive oil, seasoning (we do Italian seasoning), 400 degrees, 10-15 minutes. Sweet potato fries with Cajun seasoning or Cayenne pepper.

    13. Juneybug*

      Congs! You will love it!
      We purchased a Cooks 5.5 Quart Air Fryer. They are around $75 but you can find them on sale for $60. Its a basic model but it does a great job cooking french fries, chicken nuggets, pork chops, roasted veggies, etc. I pour a little olive or avocado oil in the bottom of the basket (about 1/2 tablespoon).
      I love the fact that I can cook a dinner for 4 or one person in a short time, depending on amount of food I put in. If I doing batches, like french fries, I will put the cooked food in my oven on warm setting with no problems.
      One thing I wish was different about the Cooks air fryer is the rubber feet on the cooking tray can get greasy and they are hard to clean. I took them off and had no problem.
      Have fun with your new toy!!

    14. Lisanthus*

      Asparagus, if you like asparagus: brush with olive oil (and seasoning if you want) and give it about 7 minutes at 390 in a preheated air fryer. I’d check it partway through, though, as the tips can frizzle. A little lemon juice after it comes out is a nice finish but you don’t need it.

      Also halloumi cheese cut into chunks and brushed with olive oil. Timing depends on size of chunks. And tofu is great; just press the heck out of it first.

    15. Katy Pillar*

      Any frozen convenience food that I would usually do in the oven is so much quicker in an air fryer: Fish fingers,mini spring rolls, frozen bread rolls, pizza baguettes, mini pizzas…
      Just do at a little lower temperature and for less time than the convection oven instructions on the package; you’ll have to experiment a bit. We have a list that we use to jot down best times/temperatures for our favorites that we keep in our recipes folder.

  2. Avid Reader*

    Just have to say, your book recommendations are so, so good! How do you have time to read so much with everything else you do??

    1. Fran*

      I have wanted to comment on that for a while. I have read a ton of Alison’s suggestions and the worst was just ok but I loved so many of them. If I am between books, I just look at previous recommendations and find one that feels right for the moment. I like that there are fluffier and more serious books as well as business books recommended.

      1. Fran*

        I just finished Sorrow and Blish which was recommended a few weeks ago and I loved it.

        1. Blue Eagle*

          I just finished The Night Circus (which was on my list since Alison recommended it in 2015) and loved it! A great fantasy story with such evocative descriptions of an unusual circus.

    2. Ask a Manager* Post author

      I have weekends off now! (For years I didn’t.) Also I stay up too late reading most nights (I was up until 4 or 5 a.m. reading every night this week, and now I am very tired).

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Solidarity. So far this week I’ve read a six book series and three memoirs. Thanks, insomnia! :D

      2. SarahKay*

        So glad I’m not alone in my inability to put down a good book and go to sleep. Although a few times I’ve started awake, not realising I’d even been asleep, and discovered that while I’m still holding my eReader it’s turned itself off, which means I’ve not turned a page for (at least!) the last 15 minutes.

    3. Another Teacher*

      Slightly related question for Alison and others: where do you get your book lists? I’m also an “enthusiastic” reader, and this year it’s been my main source of entertainment. For financial reasons, I mostly get books from the library, but by the time a book comes on my radar, there’s often a many-months waitlist. That’s not a problem in general (I don’t mind being patient!), but I often run out of things to read.

      Alison and other heavy book users, do you have any suggestions for sourcing books? I love almost everything Alison has recommended — the “year end” lists are a real source of joy. Thanks in advance!

      1. MaskedBandit*

        Two places: GoodReads and the What Should I Read Next podcast. I’m a recent convert to both but I’ve already found a year’s worth of books.

      2. Lilo*

        I read a lotnof scifi/fantasy so I lurk on the subreddit for those genres. I also just read Hench, which I enjoyed a lot and got from Alison’s recommendation.

        I also will check out what’s popular on Libby.

      3. Cheshire Cat*

        My library emails me lists of books every month; they call the newsletters Next Reads. Maybe your library does something similar? I was able to sign up for different topics (science fiction, mysteries, history) on the library web page.

        And your librarian may be able to give you suggestions, too.

        1. Not a cat*

          You are lucky. My library’s recommendations are awful and there’s no way to request genres.

          1. Cat Mom*

            Ah, your librarian didn’t take Readers’ Advisory class either. Google that phrase and you’ll find some tools, including some of the ones already mentioned.

      4. GoryDetails*

        I’ve been an avid member of BookCrossing for many years now, and I get a lot of book ideas from the discussions in the site’s forums – and sometimes from spotting an intriguing-looking title in the “recently released” sidebar. [The site’s about assigning unique IDs to books that one intends to pass along, in hopes that future readers will log their thoughts and/or the book’s travels online. I leave a LOT of books in Little Free Libraries or other book-swap shelves or on park benches or dangling from trees…]

        I also follow some bookish blogs, including John Scalzi’s “Whatever” blog, where he frequently highlights other authors.

        Other sources of ideas: the American Library Association’s “banned or challenged books” lists – it can be fun to see what all the fuss was about {wry grin}. I like to check out the staff recommendations at local bookstores, too, especially the independent stores.

        And sometimes I find surprising new reads just by browsing secondhand shops or thrift stores – an eyecatching title or cover doesn’t guarantee a good read, but I’ve found some dandies that way.

      5. Chilipepper*

        Your library might have a “read-alikes” service. It suggests titles for you. So if you like x book (that is really on your holds list), you will also like these [lesser known so still on the shelf] books.

      6. SarahKay*

        For what to read: Alison’s recommendations, the ‘What are you reading’ threads here, recs from friends. I have a (huge) wishlist on Amazon that I add them to, and then I can use this to search for books at the library or from Kobo, since these days I prefer not to buy from Amazon. If money is tight and you don’t object to Amazon then (at least in the UK, hopefully something similiar in the US) they put a different set of books on offer at 99p at the start of every month. Sort your wishlist by price, and buy the ones on offer; you can always save reading them for later if you’re not in the mood for reading them right now.

        1. Joan Rivers*

          Also, my own shelves! Because the older you get the more a book you read ages ago will seem new to you. Even mysteries. Or you’ll recall enjoying it but do again.

          A great writer, say, Elmore Leonard, can be enjoyed the second time. Or the fifth.
          Even though he’s a “crime” writer verging on “mystery writer,” what he really is is a great writer w/humor about humans.

          And books set decades ago can be refreshing these days.

      8. Ask a Manager* Post author

        For me, it’s book reviews in the New York Times and Washington Post, and Good Reads. And also, on Amazon, the “you may also like” listings on books I’ve read and liked.

      9. Marion Ravenwood*

        Honestly mine all come from the Kindle 99p daily deals email and then usually I just start whichever book I’ve most recently downloaded – sometimes if I’m in a certain mood (usually for something lighter) I’ll trawl through, but it’s very rare.

      10. Dark Macadamia*

        Buzzfeed does good themed lists sometimes, or I’ll just search for lists with a specific trait that has felt lacking in my reading (books by Native authors, sci fi books with female protagonists, etc) and save everything that sounds good.

      11. Mephyle*

        For me, it’s, I mean, it was book bloggers. I had to stop reading the blogs Clothes in Books and In Search of the Classic Mystery Novel because I was buying too many books. As well as experiencing a type of anguish about the very appealing books I managed to resist buying (no doubt there’s a German word for that.) Also the archives of Bookshelves of Doom

        1. lemon meringue*

          There is a Japanese word for the opposite: Tsundoku, which I believe refers to books that you’ve accumulated but haven’t read yet. (This is an affliction that I have.)

        2. Joan Rivers*

          I always get taken by surprised when people talk about buying books!

          My HOLD list at the public library, which is free, is always long, and it’s some work to research books and add them to the list, but FREE.

          And the library has Author Alert for my favorite writers so it lets me know when they have a new one. So I always consider the Public Library to be one of the best ways the government spends our money.

          1. Mephyle*

            I used to be a very frequent visitor to the public library when I lived in an English-speaking country, and I hardly bought books at all, just like you. But now that I don’t live there any more, I have to make my own private library, or starve.

            I do read and speak the language of the country I live in now, but reading is a task, not an effortless thing like reading in my native language of English. So I take the easy way out, and mostly read in English.

      12. lemon meringue*

        I like to go to my local writer’s festival. I always find out about a lot of great local authors that way, who I might not have otherwise heard about because they are often published by small presses that don’t have as much promotional power. This year lots of them are going online (and free) so I’m planning to “attend” a bunch of writers’ fests across the country that I normally wouldn’t be able to go to.

      13. TardyTardis*

        Smart Bitches/Trashy Novels is the best (and expensive, oh my poor Visa) recommendation email blog. May I convert you to the cult of Courtney Milan? Here, I’ll leave a pamphlet…

      14. Slinky*

        The Shelf Awareness newsletter. It comes twice a week and provides reviews of new titles in a variety of genres. I’ve found a lot of great books there!

      15. Barbara Eyiuche*

        A few years ago I decided to read all the novels that won a Pulitzer Prize (back to 1970, then selected ones from earlier). I really enjoyed it, so then started reading the Booker Prize winners.

      16. Rebecca*

        There is a national library-staff recommended reads list, LibraryReads (www.LibraryReads.org). Many library workers have the opportunity to read books before they are published, and this list collects pre-pub “votes” to create a Top Ten most-anticipated list. The archive goes back to 2013, check it out! (Full disclosure: I’m the org’s ED)

      17. BetsCounts*

        Nancy Pearl wrote several editions of ‘Book Lust’ that has the books sorted by theme. If you have a particular genre you enjoy, look at what awards are given in that theme- Hugos & Nebulas for SFF, the Edgars for mystery. They usually announce a list of nominees in addition to the final winners, and they are a great source for potential reads. Especially if you look at historical wins/noms, there shouldn’t be much of a wait list.

        Also! I am sorry to beat a dead horse, but I always recommend overdrive. Last year, before everything shut down, I was traveling around California and got cards for like different library systems. So I can literally check out e-books from from over a dozen systems and read them on my tablet or computer.

      18. Not Your Sweetheart*

        Check with your library. My current one, and the one in my last city offered personalized recommendations. I gave them titles of some books I like, told them what kind of book I was looking for, and a few other things. They sent me a curated list of books. That’s how I discovered Neil Gaiman.
        I also belong to a few author fan pages on Facebook, and someone is always asking for or giving recommendations within the author’s genre/style.

      19. PhyllisB*

        I find mine in a variety of ways. I get most of my books from the library (if I bought everything I read I would have to have another house just for books!!) Our library has a double sided bookcase when you first come in that has new releases so I look there first, I get the Bookpages newsletter free at the library, I also belong to Goodreads and get a lot of ideas there. I have also just decided to explore a bit in different ways. From time to time I have decided to go by the alphabet. Would get at least one A author one week, one B the next, ect. The last time I did that I got up to G. Discovered some new authors that way, and discovered books by authors I was familiar with but had not seen before. Just a way to shake things up a bit.

    4. Bluebell*

      During the pandemic, I’ve bought books from bookshop.org and some independent booksellers. They send out periodic emails promoting books, and that has given me a lot of possibilities.

  3. Aphrodite*

    How do you decorate your bed? I am still, all these years later, not entirely satisfied. I’ve tried several headboards and I have come to realize I do not like any headboard. I live in earthquake country so I have only a single oversized canvas print (of a favorite painting, Nighthawks) above my head so any potential damage to me is minimized. I am not a huge fan of multiple pillows but do have two with shams and a small one. I don’t use throws tossed on the bed in an “artistic” manner. I like my bedspread/comforter to come to the floor so I don’t use a skirt. I like the look you see in magazine and website ads where the bedding is pulled back to reveal pristine sheets but I have cats.

    In other words, I keep trying but maybe I should just stick with what I have now. I am curious, though: what do YOU have or want? Or what have you done or tried and disliked?

    1. Aphrodite*

      Oh, and I refuse to do the “artistically unmade” bed look. Grandma stuck it in my head from a very young age that unmade beds are never allowed.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Haha! And once I moved away from home, my stance since then is, “I’m just going to sleep in it again tonight and no one ever sees it but me and my husband, so why bother making it just to mess it up again?”

        1. The Other Dawn*

          That said, I’ve really been wanting to get a full bed frame for years now. I just never made an effort to get one. Staying at a historic inn for our anniversary a few months ago has renewed my interest and I plan to get one soon. The room had a sleigh bed, which I’ve always wanted. But I also really like the really tall four-poster frames. I’m not sure which one to get.

          1. SarahKay*

            YMMV, but I’ve found that sleigh beds and other beds with a foot board mean my duvet gets heaped up at the bottom and lets in draughts. Since I suffer from cold feet this is unwelcome, especially in winter! if you do fall in love with a sleigh bed it might be worth experimenting first by putting something up against the foot-end of your bed and seeing if the bed-clothes are comfy for you.
            Personally, I’d love a real four-poster but then I’d also want thick curtains that I could pull round it…which would entirely defeat my need for a cold bedroom if I want to sleep well :(

            1. footboard, blankets, and warmth*

              I had a footboard growing up. I now have a habit of rolling my blanket edge under my feet so it forms an air seal. But I also use duvet covers for my blankets instead of having blankets on top of flat sheets.

        2. Clisby*

          That’s me! And I passed that on to my 2 children, who as far as I know have never made a bed in their lives other than just after their sheets have been washed.

    2. KR*

      I do two shams with cheap pillow inserts that I remove before going to bed and a single throw pillow, in addition to the normal sleeping pillows. I keep a throw blanket on my bed because I like to be able to curl up without undoing the whole bed, or have some extra warmth. I don’t do a bed skirt or very long blankets, partly because my bed is tall and also because I have 3 animals that shed like it’s their job. I’m watching this thread though – I moved recently and tossed my comforter set so I’m on the lookout for a new setup.

      1. PhyllisB*

        Speaking of shams, this is a hint I got from my husband’s ex-mother-in-law: Buy two cheap pillows (or two old ones you already have) to put the shams on then put pillow cases on the pillows you sleep on. Then at night just move the shammed pillows. Sure beats taking shams off and replacing them every day!!

    3. Off the clock*

      I recently got into crocheting so for my summer comforter that doesn’t have coordinating pillows in the set (just shams in the same print as the bedspread), I’ve crocheted 2 square and 1 small rectangular pillows out of two complementary colors of velvet yarn. It gives the set a nice added texture.

      I’ve also recently bought a cozy shag rug and put that under the bed, perpendicular to the length of the bed. It makes my first few steps out of bed each morning feel luxuriously soft, and as an added bonus, my cats love lounging/playing on the rug.

      I’m selling my home (listing next week!) so I’ve watched some DIY staging videos on how to make your bedroom prettier for photos/showings. The tips I gleaned included folding my throw into thirds (to hide the edges) and laying it across the foot of the bed, and folding back the last 8-10 inches of my comforter to expose a contrasting color where I arrange my pillows (which won’t work for all comforters, but works for the one I’m using now).

    4. allathian*

      When I lived in a small studio apartment, I made my bed every morning, had a nice bedspread and a lot of cushions, because my single bed (60 cm/2 ft wide) also doubled as a couch. Now that I live in a 5-bedroom house, I absolutely relish in the luxury of leaving my bed unmade!

      1. londonedit*

        I live in a studio flat (though it is quite large) and I always make my bed because it doubles as a sofa (it’s an IKEA Hemnes day bed and I love it).

        I have a duvet, throw blanket, and then a load of pillows and cushions that make up a comfortable back for the sofa.

    5. Marion Ravenwood*

      Honestly for me it’s all in having cool bed linen. I have two sets I rotate – one is white with black polka dots, and the other is a sort of sunset-type tie-dye pattern in various different bright colours and a pale turquoise lining. I might also put my wool blanket on the end of my bed (folded in thirds) in winter so it’s easy to grab if I need an extra layer, and I have a friend’s painting of elephants over my bed as well. But generally, I don’t feel like I need any more than that.

    6. DistantAudacity*

      I do it with the nicest bed linen I can afford, which I normally wash and then put straight back on.

      I live in a location that uses duvets, so that it is typically the top layer (no additional bed covers) – hence the pretty sheets is what shows. I have a couple of big additional pillows, for support when reading (my bed frame is an IKEA Malm double).

      I’ve especially liked my John Lewis mumble-threadcount set, but it finally got worn out. And then The Thing happened, and my Easter trip to London last year was cancelled, where I was going to buy replacements :)

    7. I'd Rather Be Eating Dumplings*

      I’m the opposite of you, I dislike not having a headboard, and our bed has a particularly high one made of a lovely wood. That way it takes up the space and I don’t need to put anything on the wall over the bed (in London now, but great up in earthquake country so I hate sleeping with things over my bed).

      All white bedding, one throw pillow I like and one throw blanket. I love a throw blanket, both for decorative purposes and to wrap around my shoulders when I’m reading!

      But the biggest thing for me is a made bed — so I would prioritize a set-up that is easy for you to maintain and keep clean.

      1. Windchime*

        I agree with a made bed. Not necessarily because I care what it looks like (mostly I don’t), but because I love crawling into a neatly made bed at the end of the day. It just feels so fresh and lovely.

        Mine is decorated with a duvet cover that doesn’t have a duvet in it (too hot). Matching square shams, 2 or 3 bed pillows and a decorative, sparkly pillow.

    8. Lobsterp0t*

      I don’t love headboards either but my wife refuses to go without one. Our current bed has one integrated into the frame with hidden cubbies behind / inside – I like but don’t love it. I’d prefer to have one that is attached to the wall and in a custom fabric, or none at all. The headboard is charcoal grey with blue undertones so it goes with just about anything.

      I would consider putting some ferns or a maranta in the top shelf or just above the head board on the wall, and letting it do its thing. We might also put some artwork overhead.

      Bedding wise, we have two nicer IKEA sets that we like. One is a soft brushed cotton tartan with a white base and one is a floral with a pale pink base. They pick up the dusty pink and olive green in our overall decor quite nicely.

      We don’t do a lot with cushions on the bed because they’re annoying to keep clean and tidy. We have a dog, soon to be two dogs. We just make the bed after letting it air and call it a day.

    9. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I don’t make my bed or even much care what it looks like, to be honest. I spend about five minutes a day in my bedroom where it isn’t dark, if that. Heh. My bed frame is the Ikea Malm, so it’s about as plain as one can get. Husband and I have separate bedding (aside from the fitted sheet) because he’s a bed hog who will steal the covers, then when he gets hot throw them off the other side of the bed and leave me freezing, but we don’t even try to match them – I think right now he has a dark blue waffle-weave blanket, and I have a down comforter that’s in a white floral-patterned duvet cover. We actually used to have two different mattresses, because with a king sized bed frame you can do that, but he decided he wanted a new mattress that was like 8″ thicker than the old ones, and we couldn’t figure out logistically how to make that work, so we negotiated on the mattress and seem to have found one that works for both of us. (He normally likes a soft cushy mattress and I basically want to sleep on a dining room table with maybe a yoga mat on it, so I wasn’t sure how well that was going to work, but it’s going alright.)

      1. allathian*

        We’ve always had separate bedding, even when we slept in the same room. I’m a very restless sleeper and twist and turn in bed a lot.

        I don’t get the idea of sleeping under the same duvet, sounds like asking for trouble!

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Well, if he was the one who was here explaining why we have separate bedcovers, I’m sure there would be mention of my tendency to rotisserie myself all night. :) (And if the dog were the one explaining, the purpose is obviously to give her the most options when she’s deciding how she wants to sleep, because she takes her half out of the middle.)

          Officially, it’s mostly just because we have different temperature preferences – he likes thin blankets and cotton sheets because he overheats, and I like big cushy fluffy blankets and flannel sheets because I’m always freezing.

          1. Teatime is Goodtime*

            Having two sets of bedding was an absolute game changer for me and my now husband. I’m quite certain we never would have gotten married otherwise. Firstly, we have completely different temperature needs and secondly I am the WORST about stealing blankets.

            Interestingly, separate bedding is totally normal where we live now…and even separate mattresses! Their queen or king size equivalent is often composed of two twin(ish)-sized mattresses laid side-by-side in the frame.

            1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

              Yep, we had two twin mattresses up until about this time last year, I think :) Good way to emphasize “this is my half of the bed and that is your half of the bed” for people who don’t like sleep-cuddling. Hah.

            2. allathian*

              Yeah, separate mattresses is the only way to go if there’s a significant difference in size and especially weight.

        2. londonedit*

          This was honestly a revelation when I found out about it from the Finnish branch of my family! If it’s Moomin bedding then so much the better.

          1. allathian*

            I’m in Finland and I have Moomin bedding! The jungle and Moominpapa and the sea.

      2. Ikea Ivan*

        Omg, my saviour! I just bought the Ikea Malm bed frame this week and have been stuck at step 4 for 3 days now. I’ve watched tons of videos and read countless articles. I’ve managed to tighten 2 of the 4 corners but the other 2 just won’t tighten. Any tips?

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          oh, gosh. I put mine together almost six years ago now, so I don’t remember any of the details, but I don’t remember it being terribly difficult, I put it together by myself in about two hours. Is it the turny-lock-nuts that are giving you a hard time? My house is full of Ikea furniture and they do use those a lot, so if you can elaborate on what the issue is I can try to help :)

          (But, for what it’s worth, my Malm is, as I say, going on six years old now, and while we haven’t moved house since getting it, it has been moved around a little bit in bedroom reorganization and when we replaced the windows and such, and it’s still rock solid. So good choice!!)

          1. Ikea Ivan*

            Lol, yes, the turny Lock nuts. On 2 corners, theyre just not “catching” when I try to tighten them with the Allen key. I know it works because 2 of them went ok. So I don’t know what I’m doing wrong with the other 2.

            Good to know I made a good choice!

            1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

              Make sure you’re putting them in the right direction so that they fit all the way in around the sticky-in part on the bolt (TECHNICAL TERMS OKAY?? :P ) and that they’re going all the way into the hole and not catching on something and stopping early – usually when I’ve had problems getting them to catch, something was keeping them from going all the way in so they could get behind the bolt when I turned them. (When this happens, they generally just spin freely in the hole when you try to tighten them rather than catching and tightening.)

              Otherwise – they generally give out spare hardware for free, so maybe if your Ikea is close enough, try getting new turny lock nuts and see if the ones you got are just defective? The instruction manual will have the specific part number for the turny lock nuts next to their picture to make sure you get the right size.

            2. Shannon*

              I just assembled a Malm bed a few weeks ago! On the one corner that gave me trouble, I wasn’t pushing the round “wheel” thingy deep enough into the socket, so the bolt wasn’t able to catch. Make sure the wheel is pushed all the way into the hole and that the arrow is lined up with where the bolt will come in from the adjacent piece. Once everything is aligned you should not have to push too hard to get it to go together and tightening should be simple.

    10. Rebecca Stewart*

      We use weighted blankets, so I fold those up at the foot and lay a quilt over the whole thing, the night pillows at the top. That keeps the cat hair (we have three) off the sheet that I’m going to sleep on.

      I do own some decorative pillows that match the quilt, and we used them when we were setting the house for sale, but on a daily basis, nah, someone’s probably going to get a migraine or overstimulated and need to lie down halfway through the day, so dressing the bed up too much isn’t happening.

    11. Not So NewReader*

      I don’t? I go for comfort and ease of use. Cotton everything, minimal number of pillows. I like to have the linens straight and neat each night, so each morning I “straighten” the bed. This is different from what my fore-mothers would have called making a bed. You can’t bounce a quarter on it. There aren’t even amounts of sheet and blanket hanging off each side. I do enough so that it’s not lumpy.

      I look at the pictures of beds in advertising and I think to myself who the heck has time to put 17 pillows on the bed and take 17 pillows off the bed every freakin’ day. No way.

      I do have a book case head board because I hate falling out of bed in effort to reach the nightstand. This means no nightstands and maybe a little less clutter? Not sure.

    12. LQ*

      First things first, good, all bamboo sheets. This is 100% my indulgence in life right now, there is nothing like crawling into bed with clean bamboo sheets.

      I live in a studio so having my bed look nice is a large part of having my home look nice since it’s the largest visual element in my home (I have a queen, my studio is on the larger side, but the bed is by far my biggest piece of furniture). I always make it. I don’t have a skirt, I do have a box spring. I do go for pulled back sheets and blankets with 2 functional pillows only. I do …like 6 layers of blankets, linen (don’t recommend), wool (highly recommend), and cotton. I’ve come to realize I’m a materials snob. I got a really soft fuzzy but poly blanket and I hated it so much I couldn’t stand one night with it on the bed. I have a weighted blanket that’s not on the bed right now for reasons, but will go back soon (also cotton). My top layer blanket is always super machine washable and gets washed at least 1/month because …I live in a studio, I spend a lot of time sitting on the bed.

      For my headboard I finally gave in recently and bought some peel and stick wallpaper mural to put up as a headboard. I didn’t want fabric, but I wanted something to visually delineate the “bedroom” space and the headboard is nice for that. So after a lot of looking at a bunch of different options I went with the wallpaper. I promised myself I’ll take it down after less than a year, in large part so that I commit myself to changing it out so that I feel good about actually putting it on. It was fairly easy to put on so check back in a year about replacing it.

      (I am still suffering some residual trauma from bugs so some of my bed is made for that reason. Also? I love this question!)

      1. LQ*

        Oh and I have 2 very large metal shelving units as nightstands that function to frame off my “bedroom” part of my bed. I need a good bed light and have been shopping for one for a while, but I want one that comes over my head but only about 3% of the time, the rest of the time the lighting in the rest of the apartment is entirely sufficient.

    13. Queer Earthling*

      I have cute/pretty blankets and a couple of plushies (currently a dragon and an alpaca), but I realize that’s not everyone’s look. I also have a number of pictures on the wall around my bed, not canvas but paper, usually nerdy art from conventions. My spouse and I have separate twin beds and we also have decorations on our nightstand, in between the two beds, of an assortment on knicknacks and so on–is that an option for you, to just decorate nearby?

      Also, during the day, an assortment of cats become the decorations.

        1. MissB*

          Lol! I used to have a perfect bed, but a bit more than a year and a half ago we got a puppy (he’s 90 lbs now) and then last December we got another one (he’ll be 40 lbs).

          They sleep in their kennels at night in our room but when we let them out in the morning they immediately join us on the bed.

          So I gave up having the nice quilt and pretty pillows showing in the daytime. I have an older microfiber comforter that hides the dog hair and that is what I pull up each morning when making the beds. The pillows get tucked underneath – a look I truly hate, but live with because I dislike dog hair on my pillows more.

          The things we do for the animals that grace us with their presence!

    15. Girasol*

      We used to have a bed box with no headboard or footboard. I found an arch-shaped grapevine wreath thing at the craft store and hot-glued an arrangement of leaves and dried flowers to it and hung it above the bed. It gave the illusion of a more complete bed and it was light so if it had fallen it wouldn’t be dangerous. I’ve seen pictures of painted wall designs that frame the head of the bed, which I’d like to try someday, maybe with stencils. A renter could do something like that with washi tape.

    16. SarahKay*

      Wooden bed frame and headboard but it’s a very minimal frame; it is there to hold the mattress rather than be a significant element in itself. Six pillows and a duvet; duvet cover matches top two pillow-cases, the other pillow cases match the sheet. I…have a massive weakness for colours in my bedlinen, so have about six duvet covers, some plain, some patterned, and six or seven fitted sheets in different colours.
      I would prefer only four pillows, two for each side of the bed, but when my ex and I split up I ended up in a much smaller place with more pillows than beds, and not enough storage space, so it just seemed simpler to put on a pillow-case and put the extra on the bed.
      My favourite is winter, when I have my puffy winter duvet, covered in a duvet cover with all different shades of red and some gold accents, and it just looks *so* snuggly and inviting.

    17. RussianInTexas*

      I don’t really, I barely make mine to begin with (not every day). Not do I use any decorative pillows. The bed is as it came from the store, with a comforter thrown on it, two pillows, and bed sheets. Nothing else. No bed skirt, I hate them.

    18. Oxford Comma*

      Bedspread, two pillows, two pillows with shams. A duvet that gets folded at the foot of the bed. That’s it.

    19. Clisby*

      This isn’t really decorative, but I wish it were easy to find the old-fashioned cotton sheets with a really low thread count. It was pretty much by accident that I found a supplier of 100% cotton, 140 thread count sheets. They take me back to my childhood days, when our sheets dried out on the clothesline and had sort of a crisp texture. These silky kinds of sheets that are much more common today are inferior, to my mind.

      2. allathian*

        Yeah, I hate the feeling of silk against my skin! I even prefer the roughness of unironed sheets against the skin. I do use a fitted sheet to avoid wrinkles, though. Sleeping in a hotel bed with ironed sheets feels weird.

    20. Sara*

      I have a bed with built-in headboard, and the headboard is upholstered. I love it for sitting up in bed reading, and I like the way it looks. Then I just have 4 pillows and a duvet. One set is sort of a muted colour blocking situation and the other is white and grey and floral. I usually hang most things to dry so having 2 sets is key to actually having a bed with sheets on it…

      I also have a small decorative pillow, but I often find I forget to put it on most mornings. I’ll put it on when I change my sheets, and otherwise it’s 50/50. There’s a shelf under my bedside table where it fits and it often stays there for days. I wouldn’t bother to replace it but I do like how it looks when it’s on there.

      Also related to decor of my bed is bedside lighting. I only have space for a nightstand on one side and I didn’t want it to be too cluttered, so I have plug-in pendant lights on either side and I really like them. They were Ikea diys with a wooden shelf bracket as the hook/holder for them and then just a plain lamp cord and minimal but decorative shades.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        Yes, a good lamp is necessary! I’ve only had one nightstand but someday maybe I’ll have a big enough bedroom for two.

    21. Might be Spam*

      I love my storage bed. It’s 3 drawers long and 2 drawers high on one side and 3 double height drawers on the other side. It’s high enough that I have to step on a chair to get in bed, but getting out is easy. The top of the mattress is even with the window sill so I can look straight out of the window just by turning my head. I feel like I am sleeping in a tree house.
      During winter, I use an oversized blue and green flannel duvet over a thick quilted comforter. In the summer I use a thin red quilted blanket with matching pillow shams. So the room goes from warm and cozy in the winter to cool and sophisticated in the summer. This year, the changing decor really helped me to feel that time is actually passing.

    22. Elizabeth West*

      I really like having a headboard, but I’m kind of over the brass one my mom gave me. I want a solid headboard so when I put a pillow up against it and lean, it doesn’t squish through. Lots of little pillows are a pain in the butt. I like a few, though, with maybe one throw or a smaller blanket I can put over me if I want to lie down for a nap but don’t want to unmake the bed.

      A skirt is nice if I can’t find a long bedspread. I prefer my bed to be higher up, not low like a futon. I have a mattress and box spring now, but it’s getting old; I think I’ll go for a platform bed next time so I don’t have to mess with the box spring.

      I always make the bed, after letting it air while I make my coffee. A messy bed makes the room look messy. The only time I don’t do it is when I’m going to change the sheets (once a week).

    23. JobHunter*

      I use a shoji-style room divider as a headboard. It’s anchored to the wall so it won’t fall on me as I sleep. I also attached a string of LED lights (warm white, dimmable) to the back so it functions as a reading light, too.

    24. WoodswomanWrites*

      I have a simple set up that I love. I have an open wooden headboard with vertical slats and a comparable footboard and recently bought a beautiful handmade patchwork quilt that is long enough to cover the pillows. The two together are beautiful and that’s enough.

      Sheets and blankets are invisible and it’s all about comfort. I use LL Bean flannel sheets year-round and a combination of new and thrift store blankets depending on the season.

    25. Anonymous Hippo*

      Heck, I rarely do more than catch the edge of the blanket and heave it over top the rest of the bed so it isn’t full of pet hair when I go to bed.

      But I just do pillows. Not fancy pillows, just lots of regular pillows in regular cases that can be washed. I think I have 6 currently, 2 special neck ones, and 4 downalternatives. There are shams that go with my blanket stuffed in a cupboard somewhere but I rarely get them out. I tend to decorate with the colors of the based pieces in order to cut down on excess fripperies. So my walls are a beautiful gold, and my blanket is blue/white/gold, and the sheets are a beautiful navy. I have a nice navy bench at the end of my bed, so everything looks nice an coordinated, without excess stuff I have to clean pet hair off, lol.

  5. KeinName*

    What to do about the rage?
    In my country (which is small) femicides more than doubled since 2014. A man killed a woman (99% ex-partners/family members) every week last year. I organize a march for every women‘s day and have worked in pro-feminist violence preventive projects but I am so frustrated. In my opinion in times like these not only the government, NGOs etc. but also each indiviual man needs to take responsibiliy, and I want drastic measures (though I do not know which ones).
    As in the UK when a police officer kidnapped and killed Sarah Everard recently, here again the blame is put on women.
    I have also started to notice more street harassment (things like just yelling at me when I am on my bike or men trying to startle women when they walk on the street) this year.
    What can we do?? I need creative solutions. I am going to a demonstration now but it does not seem enough.

    1. Jackalope*

      I am struggling with this same issue right now. There’s so much awfulness going on around misogyny, and it feels like it will never ever end.

    2. Lobsterp0t*

      Honestly, carry a replica of Thor’s hammer and bat the offenders away like we are flicking dust off a piece of fabric?

      I don’t know.

      When I feel angry and hopeless I try to remember a line someone said to me recently, I’m not going to let this drive me into despair. I’m going to let it radicalise me instead. Or something like that!

      Obviously a statement like that that could apply in bad ways but it was said in the context of finding a compassionate way forward while dealing with the trauma of living in misogyny.

      You aren’t alone and even one woman’s life saved or made better by your work is a huge achievement. We shouldn’t have to count victories person by person but in this, the people are all that matter.

      You are also allowed to step back. Focus on being able to cope through it. This sounds traumatic and yes, we all have to keep going despite it being bad for us sometimes. But if you’re part of a movement then it is OK and necessary to step back a bit. The system wants us to burn ourselves out trying to change or dismantle it.

      Anyway, those are all my platitudes. I’m so sorry. You’re not alone.

      1. KeinName*

        Thank you! This made me tear up a bit! Also I like your first suggestion very much

    3. Girasol*

      I keep wondering if it would be helpful to start with schools. Sex education is poor in many places. Boys turn to porn to learn how it’s done and see violence and control. Many girls are taught in a general hand-wavy sort of way that they should remain pure, but they’re not taught how to deal with the specific advances of a porn-trained boy. Dress codes teach both of them that boys can’t control themselves and the responsibility falls on girls to present themselves so that boys are not “distracted.” Seems like we’re raising boys to behave in just the ways we object to, and girls to feel powerless and guilty about it. You may not be able to change the attitudes that legislators and judges and other men in power learned when they were very young but maybe you could change the next generation.

      1. KeinName*

        Yeah, you are right. Maybe there is hope in the next generation. With regards to the environment at least they seem to be very competent. And the school peer-workshops on masculinity and equality my former colleagues are organizing are really popular.

    4. triceratops*

      hi! I am currently in a PhD program and my research focuses on mass shootings, masculinity, etc. Often, I get asked why I study such a sad, difficult topic or how I deal with it emotionally… for me, my research is WHY I feel capable of waking up every day and confronting all of this terrible violence in the world. Research gives me a meaningful way to understand what seems unexplainable, grieve these tragedies in a way that feels true to me, and contribute my time/energy/knowledge to society.

      It sounds like gender-based violence is an issue you are passionate about and you do find meaning in the work you’ve been doing, but it doesn’t seem like enough. Are there other ways you could contribute to this cause that would feel beneficial? You say that it seems to be a problem at the individual level (that individual men need to take responsibility)… could you volunteer to work with at-risk youth, specifically boys, or sign up for a big sibling-little sibling program in your area? Could you leverage your previous work in violence prevention to begin giving talks/workshops at schools? Something like that might help you feel like you are contributing more tangibly, even though it sounds like you are making an impact as is!

      1. KeinName*

        Thanks! What a good use of a PhD!
        I take from your comment that it is helpful to learn more about violence and understand the reasons for it – I can imagine that working for me.
        I‘ve done a PhD in gender studies and worked in masculinity research and education and it really felt very worthwhile (but not very happy-making). I‘m still really angry about all that‘s going on (aparently my country is the only European country where more women than men are murdered each year).

  6. Amy*

    We found a nanny today! Yay!! I’ll be going back to grad school in a few months (after nearly a year away due to COVID fears, then maternity leave) and it’s a huge weight off my shoulders knowing that we have someone awesome lined up for the kids. She was actually my older child’s preschool teacher for several years before the pandemic and we loved her then, but never dreamed we’d be lucky enough to get her all to ourselves. But as luck would have it, she was looking for a new job that could work around her class schedule (she’s finishing her degree in early childhood ed) just as we were looking for a nanny, and it worked out perfectly!

    This is our first time having a nanny – does anyone have tips or general advice on how to make it a good experience for everyone involved? Also seeking recommendations for a nanny payroll service (both she and we prefer to use a service that will handle tax withholding for us.)

    1. Outside Observer*

      2 things, which you may already know – 1. Pay her like she is a professional, not a baby sitter. 2. Don’t micromanage what she can and can’t do. I knew a couple who hired a nanny, paid her peanuts, and insisted that she never leave the house with their baby. Then they wondered why she didn’t stay.

    2. Another Teacher*

      Appreciate and encourage the nanny to have traditions with your kid that you’re not a part of. I had a nanny at that age, and I still remember “movie Tuesdays” and “bagel Fridays” fondly. Why those events on Tuesdays and Fridays? I have no idea, but it was our thing.

    3. Alex*

      Definitely have a written contract that makes explicit how certain situations are going to be handled:
      What happens to her pay if: You don’t need her on a given day, your child is sick, she is sick, she needs a day off, you are late coming home, she is late arriving, your children have friends over she is supervising, she drives your children in her car, you want her to work extra hours either with or without notice.

      All of these came up while I was a nanny and the ones that were not in my contract became really uncomfortable questions.

      Also be explicit about what food she is/isn’t welcome to in the house, and about any non-childcare tasks you might expect her to do.

    4. Barbara Eyiuche*

      Don’t have her do housework or cooking as well. It is really better if she concentrates on the child.

    5. Green great dragon*

      Be explicit about as much as you can be. Do you want to be called if a child feels unwell or has a minor accident? How important is sticking to the routine/set meal times? Do you want to set out plans/outings, would you like her to decide these, or do you prefer for them to stay local?

      Provide money for incidental expenses (ice creams in the park, bus fares, entry fees) and consider whether she needs access to emergency funds (taxi to hospital if child hurts themself) or if she’d be able to cover something like that and be refunded.

    6. Sparrowhawk*

      As for a nanny payroll service recommendation, look at GTM Payroll Services.

  7. Off the clock*

    For anyone who’s sold a home while they’re still living (and working) in it, how much advance notice of showings do you think is reasonable?

    I’m going on the market next Thursday, starting showings on Friday, and while I’m going to approve every showing request Friday-Sunday (taking Friday off work), I was thinking of asking for at least an hour (preferably 2-3 hours)’s heads up on showings, and also restricting showings during the workweek to the late afternoon/early evening hours. It’s a hot market in my area and my realtor is hoping we’re only on the market for a week or two before going under contract, but for the time we are on the market, I’m struggling with how to balance staying productive at work and getting enough potential buyers in my home to elicit at least one good offer. I work from 9 AM – 5 PM so I was thinking of offering showings from around 4 PM (when my work day is pretty much wrapped up and I rarely have meetings ) thru around 7 or 8 PM on weekdays, which I know is a narrow window. I am a night owl so getting up early and cleaning and prepping for 7 AM – 9 AM weekday showings before my workday starts is not something I want to do.

    1. Kiwiapple*

      I think that is perfect – what always annoyed me is viewings during work hours (not every workplace is flexible).

      1. Off the clock*

        Thank you! Thankfully my work is pretty flexible, but it’d be so stressful to get 1-2 hours’ notice of showings during the workday and have to find another place to work on the fly.

    2. Marion Ravenwood*

      I haven’t sold a place but when I was in my last rental property and the landlord was getting potential new tenants in to view it, we would have at least 24 hours notice on viewings (which I understand is the minimum requirement here in the UK). Personally I’d prefer as much notice as possible so I could do a quick clean and make plans to be out of the house, but if your place is in a decent state (ie just needing a quick wipe down of surfaces) and you’ve got somewhere you can bolt to quickly then I think two or three hours would be sufficient.

      On the weekday viewings, I think your suggested window is totally fine – when I was looking to buy I much preferred to view places after work (as it gave me a rough idea what the commute would be like) or on weekends, and the impression I get is this is the same for most people.

      Good luck, and fingers crossed for a quick sale!

      1. Off the clock*

        Thank you! That’s a great point about people wanting to view after work to get a sense of their commute — I think most of my market will be people in town looking to relocate, so that makes a lot of sense.

    3. Rebecca Stewart*

      I don’t see where that’s a problem.

      We insisted on weekend only showings, but we also had three cats, and we just put a large outdoor dog cage with roof in the garage. That had room for the carriers, a box, food and water, and a scratching post. I wasn’t thrilled with locking them up for the weekend (we had no showings after Sunday 2 pm) but having to take them somewhere to board them would be much worse. The garage was already half-full of all the stuff we’d boxed up as inessential for showing but we wanted to keep, so beyond “yep, 2 car garage” I figured people didn’t need to see that the way they’d want to see the bedroom.
      Other than that I just pretty much kept a lot of stuff prepped and ready to toss into place to look good and bins to toss all the health and beauty stuff into that I could shove under the bed when we were showing.
      Our place sold over that weekend, and our only delay was finding a place ourselves. (But we did and all is well and the cats have forgiven us.)

      1. Off the clock*

        Thank you! That’s awesome that you sold over opening weekend — that’s my hope too! I’ve cleared out extra cabinet space in the bathroom and kitchen so I can quickly stash my health and beauty/countertop cleaning products underneath for showings, so as long as I have a few hours’ notice I can quickly tidy up, change the cat litterboxes, and go.

    4. Texan In Exile*

      If you’re in a seller’s market, then definitely set the rules you want.

      When I was selling my house (years ago), I got 20 minutes’ notice sometimes. There is no reason for that to happen – there is no reason someone can’t plan viewings more than 20 minutes in advance, especially now, when there is so much information about the house online.

      In this market, I would require at least a few hours, if not a day.

      1. Off the clock*

        Thank you! Yeah, in other homes my family has sold over the years (when I still lived with my parents as a teen), I remember getting no notice at all for showings sometimes. The doorbell would just ring in the middle of the afternoon when we were at home with a realtor and their clients, and we’d awkwardly stand outside as they looked around. Even worse, I remember sometimes potential buyers would come into the house without even calling when my parents where out, and my parents would come home to find strangers in their house. I’m hoping with the combination of a seller’s market and the updated lockbox technology (the Supra keyboxes that won’t open without an app and a code issued by the listing agent) I won’t have those issues.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          I had to chase some people out of my yard when I was selling—they found the listing and just came over on their own. They parked in my driveway and were just randomly walking around the house on the property.

          I went outside and asked them what in the hey they were doing there. “We just wanted to look at the outside.” Well, call the realtor then! Otherwise, you’re trespassing!

          1. Off the clock*

            Oh no, that’s pretty weird! I’m hoping nothing like that happens to me — I live in a condo building with secured entrances (you need a keycard, fob, or intercom approval to get buzzed in), but I’m hoping random buyers without a realtor don’t manage to get into my building and start knocking on my door, lol!

            1. Elizabeth West*

              It should be okay where you are. Mine was a house, so there was nothing to stop them from wandering in off the street. And the stupid poobrain got mad at ME when I told him it was still my house and he couldn’t just come on people’s property without permission.

    5. Blue Eagle*

      Are you OK with having the listing restrict showings to weekends and after 4pm on weekdays? If so, have your realtor do that – – then you don’t have to worry about someone contacting you to show the house in 20 minutes in the morning or early afternoon.

      1. Off the clock*

        Yes, I just told my realtor that, and I’ve also asked her to text me at least an hour in advance of all showing requests so I can approve or decline them. The market here is so crazy that realtors are trying to get their clients into homes for sale even without confirming a showing appointment, but hopefully my realtor will do a good job of turning down requests outside of my available windows and no one will appear in my home when I’m in the middle of a work call (or worse, in the shower!).

    6. Malarkey01*

      One thing I always do when I sell is keep a laundry basket at the top of the stairs and on our main floor. If we get a call for a showing I throw anything random in the basket and put that in the trunk. Then the rest of the house is kept as show ready as possible. Having a basket to just throw stuff in as you run from room to room was so much faster than actually putting everything away.
      Good luck, being on the market is a pain.

    7. Sandi*

      When I bought places it was in a different city, so I would line up 6-10 viewings in one afternoon and early evening. I would have been in trouble if all the places had limited showings to only a few hours a day, but I would have also made it work by prioritizing my favorites, or I could have done viewings for two days. I also gave a lot of notice as I was coming from out of town which needed plane tickets, so I was planning a week ahead rather than hours.

      In my experience it was the realtors’ admin that booked the appointments. They sent me an auto email asking me to confirm or reject each request. I had a couple specific requests (during the workday I needed to know before I left for work as I had pets) and I ended up calling up the admin to let them know.

      I was willing to do last-minute depending on the situation, so told my realtor admin that they could always ask but I might reject. If I was in the middle of making a meal then try again later, but if another interested buyer had just left then great, please come in now.

    8. Anonymous Hippo*

      I would personally require 24 hours (not counting the weekends) notice. But I have anxiety and need to know things ahead of time or I get very upset.

      But I think balancing wanting to sell fast with your work, you have worked out a very good schedule. Most showings are going to be 4-8pm on weekdays anyway (you kind of need a job to buy a house) and/or weekends from say 11am-4pm.

    9. voyager1*

      If your realtor is good, they will put the house up on Friday, do showings on the weekend. If your house is priced right that is all the time you will need.

      I am a realtor. If your realtor is saying two weeks, find someone else.

      1. Off the clock*

        My realtor is thinking 1.5-2 weeks on the market at most. We’re pricing aggressively at the bottom end of market value in hopes of getting a lot of interest and a multiple offer situation that’ll hopefully drive the price up and yield at least one solid offer. The last bunch of homes my realtor has sold have all sold above asking price. I’m in a desirable neighborhood, and unless other listings crop up between now and Thursday when we list, I’m literally going to be the only home for sale in the neighborhood. Everything else that has been priced right in my neighborhood in the last few months has sold within a week or so.

    10. Coco*

      I sold in a pretty hot seller’s market last October. We asked for showings after 2 pm on weekdays and any time weekends with 2 hours notice and we accepted an offer in 6 days.

      We thought 1 hour was not enough to do last minute vacuuming , staging, getting the dogs ready, etc.

    11. Them Boots*

      I rented an in-law unit when my landlords decided to sell their home (& mine). I got three days (2 nights) notice and after the first few showings we had it down. Since the realtor liked most of my decor, it was just a matter of throwing some things (ie in use towels, etc) into a giant basket & into my car, sweeping, dusting and spraying the bathroom down with Windex. Yes, EVERYTHING except wood. Housekeeper secret sauce. Makes everything shiny & appear clean. Dirty dishes from breakfast artfully arranged in the dish dryer. My landlords were great about being as minimally disruptive as possible and the realtor was great! Place sold after 8th or 9th showing and the barn cat & I got to stay on! New landlords were even more lovely, so I was super lucky and glad I went out of my way to facilitate the sale.

  8. Mary Bennet*

    Hi everyone! I’ve been looking for a new hobby which could involve spending plenty of time outdoors, and I’m considering getting into beekeeping.
    Are there any beekeepers here? Any useful tips that you’d give a newbie? (Or should that be “newbee”? Sorry, couldn’t resist!)

    1. Bagpuss*

      I used to keep bees. I would recommend doing an introductory course first if you can – I am in the UK and here there tend to be local groups which offer them.

      Also, check if there is a local group or association as this would give you the chance to get to know other local beekeepers so you have access to advice if you need it.

      Buy a good quality suit – cheap ones tend to be made of much thinner fabric and so aren’t so good at protecting you from stings.

      Enjoy

      1. Grits McGee*

        I was part of my college’s beekeeping club- totally agree with Bagpuss on taking a class first to get a good grounding before you start. A local class or group can educate you on the particular challenges of your area, including local ordinances. I’d also try to shadow or spend some time working with hives under someone else’s supervision before starting on your own.

    2. gsa*

      Oh my…

      If slept on a 60cm/2’ wide bed, my arms would fall off the bed or I’d sleep on my side.

      My shoulders are greater than 60cm.

      1. allathian*

        Nesting fail.

        I just kept using my childhood bed, although when I moved into a slightly larger apartment, still one bedroom but at least I didn’t sleep in my living room, I got a bed that was twice as wide, queen size?

        That said, I tend to sleep on my side and in a fetal position, so there’s that.

    3. MinotJ*

      We’ve had hives for three years now. My only advice is to prepare for heartbreak. We have two hives and we’re doing something wrong because they keep swarming, leaving us with sooooo much honey but no bees. Every year we have to buy more. It’s my partner’s project so I don’t have any other advice. They are lovely to watch, learning their flight paths through the yard and watching as they come back “heavy”.

      We have a fairly small yard and they let us get as close as we want to the hives to watch them – they just give us a little “bonk” when they’d like us to back off. My partner only uses the bee suit when he’s actually going to open the lid. We’ve each been stung once since we got them, and not near the hive. I got my one sting when I was walking around inside my house and had an itch under my bra strap. I learned to carefully check those out instead of smashing them.

      One of my favorite things about bees is that it gives me a reason to fill my yard with flowers. I’m not wasting money – I’m feeding my thousands of pets! But do check that you’re not buying weird “pollen-free” flowers – what the heck!

      Turns out I have no advice. But I love talking about my bees. As my (former beekeeper) father says “Bees are good people”.

    4. Chilipepper*

      I second the suggestion to connect with local beekeepers. I have a friend who can do anything and she could not keep her bees going, they were attacked by ants that killed the colony/dispersed them every time. Apparently it is an issue where we live. Connecting with local beekeepers could alert you to local issues.

      Also, I plan to do more geocaching as a way to get outdoors.

      1. GoryDetails*

        I was just going to suggest geocaching! (I’ve found a few caches that were located in or near “pollinator gardens”, to combine with the beekeeping theme.) I’ve been amazed at the many little out-of-the-way parks or hiking trails that geocaching has led me to.

    5. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Hello from a once & future backyard beekeeper. We currently have empty beehives …but two bait hives outside are getting some scout bee attention.
      If you’re in the US, there are local agricultural extensions connected to state colleges & universities. Facebook has groups too — you might like to try ‘women in beekeeping.”
      For buying equipment, I would suggest putting your money into the veil with a good hat, a good pair of elbow-length gloves, and something to keep your pants tight to your boots at the bottom. Everything else you can actually get by with a lot less than a full suit. I sprung for the full suit because I am a wuss.
      Save & dry your corn cobs because they make great smoke.
      For the reader who has swarms–put another honey frame on top & harvest it more often. They won’t be likely to go if there’s still room. And if you have a swarm go, consider requeening because it is possible for the soon to hatch queen left behind to fail to find a mate, get eaten by a bird, or if 2 hatch at once to kill each other fighting for the hive.

      2. Green great dragon*

        Agree with most of this, but for something to keep pants tight to your boots – elastic band and wellington boots worked fine for us.

    6. Pippa K*

      Glad you asked this! We just started our first hive as novice beekeepers, so I’ll be watching the advice here closely. We read up before starting and have found YouTube videos really helpful for showing how things are done in practice.

  9. My Girl*

    I’m subletting my apartment that I rent out through the end of the lease term- it’s only 3 months until end of August. The sublet is done all through the property management company so they will run the background checks, draw up the appropriate papers and the subletter pays rent to my property manager but ultimately, if she doesn’t pay, I’m responsible for covering and we’re both on the hook for any damage done.

    I had a potential subletter come look at the apartment today that I initially thought seemed great but I’m having second thoughts now and wondering if any of these are legit red flags or if I’m overthinking things:
    – She is moving in with only 2 suitcases of stuff, a couch and an air mattress. She is currently working remotely for a university about 2 hours away and wants to test out if she wants to move back to this city and start applying to jobs here. I offered to sell her my bed and she wasn’t interested. I can’t explain why this is nagging at me.
    – She said she looked at 2 other places and needs to discuss her options with her mom- she’s 45 and has lived at home the last 2 years. I hate that I’m finding myself being judgmental but I wish she had just said ‘I need to think it over tonight’
    – She told me she’s nervous about making the move here even though it’s for a short time frame. She also mentioned there is a guy here she is ‘on and off with/sort of dates’ and I’m nervous that is a factor and she might try to bail early if it goes south (note her agreement will state the start/end terms but I’m probably not going to bother taking her to court over anything with this place)

    I really didn’t think much about this but my friends think she seems flaky and I should explore other options(I’ve had a decent amount of interest come in so I’m pretty confident I could secure another party). At the end of the day, all I care about is that the apartment is in the same shape I leave it in and she pays rent every month and on time. I wanted to avoid renting to an intern/college student who might be having parties and people over frequently. Has anyone ever been in a similar situation and what do you think about how to vet people?

    1. acmx*

      Why do you care that she doesn’t want your used mattress? For one, if she decides not to stay there, she has another thing to move or dispose of.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        That’s it exactly. It’s easier for her to suddenly move if she keeps the air mattress.

    2. I'd Rather Be Eating Dumplings*

      Do you have a way to check her references?

      I think the problem is that a 3-month sublet is only likely to be attractive to people who are in a transitional stage, consequentally even pretty reliable people might seem flaky. None of the bullet points you listed are (to me) red flags based on a 3-month sublet for someone who’s not sure if they want to live in that city, but I can understand why you’re nervous — it’s always a risk entering into a contract with someone you don’t know well!

    3. Anima*

      Do you know more about her background? I would have moved in with two suitcases and a blanked after my divorce and I was *not* stable back then – I would have totally rented to me anyway, because I would just like in bed and do nothing because depressed.
      That said, I think you gut feeling is valid – something is off here, and I can’t pinpoint what.
      But why not rent to an intern/student? Are party’s allowed were you live (panini related, I mean)? Most single people who only do an internship for three month do not throw partys, they work, and then collapse on the sofa. You can also vet students in the way – I lived for years alone and never threw a single party because I had to study. Ask what they study – chances are good if it’s maths/computer science/physics that there a no party’s ging on, ever. Just an idea – try to find you a Rory Gilmore and your subletting will be fine!

    4. AcademiaNut*

      The suitcases and air mattres sound totally reasonable to me – I did four month work terms in undergraduate where I’d take two suitcases and get a short term rental or sublet. I wouldn’t buy a bed for that short a time, because there would be the hassle of disposing it at the end, and two suitcases was enough clothes and personal items to last a semester.

    5. twocents*

      A 45-year-old woman with a minimal amount of stuff seems like not a problem? You don’t have to worry that her sofa is going to ding the wall when she moves in, and if I was only staying somewhere for 4 months, I’m not sure I’d want a ton of junk to move either.

      I think the sort of boyfriend is not your problem. She has her own contract to sign, and has her own reasons for wanting to check the area out that have nothing to do with him.

      I really don’t see how she comes across as “flaky.”

    6. RoseColoredGlasses*

      Ok, I’m in a similar demographic as your potential subletter (female, mid-40s, single, currently live w/ a parent) so I see where the “let me check with my mom” is a flag. AND YET, it’s entirely possible she is a caretaker and legit needs to check about moving 2 hours away, as that does place an extra burden on caretaking duties. I’d probably not say out loud that I was checking with my mom in this setting, but its been a long pandemic, and its entirely possible she’s checking with mom for reasons that aren’t ‘failure to launch’.
      As I plan to move on from my current living situation, if I were to sublet first, I’d definitely be packing light, and saving aaaalllll my stuff for a more permanent move, and wait till I was more settled to get bigger-ticket items, like a bed.
      All this to say, if this helps put you more at ease, great. If she still seems flaggy, or flakey, then only you can tell based on your interactions.

      1. Malarkey01*

        And really most people do have someone they bounce big decisions off of. It’s not weird if someone said let me talk to my spouse and if someone doesn’t have a spouse that person might be a parent/child/good friend. My 70 year old windowed mom discusses her big decisions with me just as a general does this make sense what do you think?

    7. CC*

      I wouldn’t read too much into her talking about it with her Mom. There could be all sorts of reasons for that. I mean, you’re talking about it with a bunch of strangers on the internet, yes?

    8. Tofu Pie*

      Could it be that your gut is picking up other red flags that your brain can’t quite articulate?

    9. SoloKid*

      I think you’re overthinking it.

      She sounds like an anxious oversharer with telling you about her mom and “on/off” dude but that doesn’t equate to flaky IMO. I agree that I’d just want to be told “I need to think it over.”
      I also personally wouldn’t want to buy someone else’s used bed (I assume you mean mattress? Frame is a different matter.)

      1. pancakes*

        Yes to all this, particularly since a management company is doing a background check. I subletted my old apartment for several years on my own and didn’t know this much about any of my tenants’ lives. Your friends are unlikely to be able to predict whether someone will pay the rent on time by hearing about their relationship with their mother or their love life, either. Neither of these tidbits speaks directly to someone’s ability or willingness to pay their rent on time.

        1. Joan Rivers*

          I’m intuitive and I think OP is picking up on some concerning issues. They may not create problems for her w/the sublet, they may just be applicant’s stuff.
          I’d try to talk to her personal references, and ask myself if paying 3 months of rent yourself might be less than the amount of stress she could cause you. Or could you discuss it w/landlord? If BF is “on” again it could get hairy.
          Maybe I’ve just watched too many court shows but people do some crazy things — as do BF’s and pets.

          1. pancakes*

            I have no idea what you’re trying to suggest is going to “get hairy” with this woman’s boyfriend, or what light you think the landlord could possibly shed on the matter. Having men over to one’s apartment, even a sublet, is not nefarious.

    10. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I get the concern– you’re worried about flight, not criticizing her life choices. Probably too late now, but can you ask for three months upfront? Might be a lot but would certainly help.

      Barring that, make sure you have a signed sublease agreement. Ask for ID. You can ask for references too. Above all, this is a business arrangement and you’re allowed to– expected to!– protect your own interests.

      1. pancakes*

        Attempting to do an informal background check on top of the management office’s official background check would scare away many prospective tenants, and doesn’t make much sense to me. I certainly wouldn’t turn my ID over to the tenant in those circumstances, and I’m not sure what you think should be done with it. I do agree that this is a business arrangement and My Girl should look after her own interests, but she said that she’s “probably not going to bother taking her to court over anything with this place,” which I don’t understand as a mindset. The idea that any and all risk can be avoided by trying to scrutinize the tenant’s furniture or love life or other aspects does not seem realistic to me. Being open to the idea of taking them to small claims court if something goes wrong seems far more reasonable.

        1. AvonLady Barksdale*

          And I wouldn’t rent to anyone who wouldn’t be willing to show an ID– proof of name and some kind of traceable information. Small claims court is an option, sure, but personally I would rather do the legwork up front than deal with small claims (I had to sue a former roommate in one borough after I had moved to another, it sucked).

          And as the subletter, I would also want an agreement, just as I would as a tenant leasing directly from the landlord.

          1. pancakes*

            All of this is being handled by the management company: “The sublet is done all through the property management company so they will run the background checks, draw up the appropriate papers and the subletter pays rent to my property manager . . .” I’m not sure whether you didn’t read the original comment or think there’s something to be gained by trying to informally duplicate the process.

            1. AvonLady Barksdale*

              I read it and I saw that part. I just believe that when I’m on the hook legally, I need to do my own due diligence. The management company can go after the OP if the rent isn’t paid, they’re covered. The OP is allowed to do her own work if she prefers.

              1. pancakes*

                The comment also says the OP would be on the hook for the rent if it isn’t paid. It’s not an uncommon arrangement. Of course she can try to ask for ID and run her own background check of some sort — the question is whether it’s advisable to do so, and what exactly should or would that entail. It’s not clear what you think should be done with the ID, for example, if anything. Make a photocopy of it for . . . keeping in a drawer? Try to check it against a database of some sort? There should be a purpose.

    11. Paris Geller*

      I don’t think those first two are really issues. 2 suitcases, a couch, and an air mattress makes sense to me for just a couple of months. If I was only going to be living somewhere a couple of months, I wouldn’t bring much more. As for discussing her options with her mom–you say that you hate that you’re finding yourself being judgmental, so can you just let it go? Reframe it in your mind as her having said “I’m going to discuss with my family”–and that it doesn’t matter if family is mom, grandfather, spouse, kid, hamster, best friend since birth, etc.
      The last one is the only I think would give me pause. That being said, if you have a gut feeling, it’s worth exploring.

      I would also encourage you to reconsider renting to an intern/college student. Actually I think intern would make a lot of sense–that’s the kind of person who needs temporary short-term housing and like others have said, many interns work/sleep for three months. There are plenty of adults you could rent to who will throw huge parties and create a mess, and there are plenty of quiet and studious college students who would be great renters.

    12. Chantel*

      I don’t see anything wrong with this person from what you’ve written. A sublet is supposed to be for situations as she describes. The “my mom” comment could be cultural, i.e. generational living arrangements that are a function of such cultures. Also, some people, especially during the pandemic, had to move back home. That very real possibility for her shouldn’t escape anyone. And the boyfriend relationship being lukewarm? People break up and still pay their rent; one has nothing to do with the other.

      Also, that she doesn’t want to buy your bed is an absurd measure by which to assess a person. A stranger’s used mattress? Just…ew.

  10. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Writing thread! How’s everyone’s writing going? As usual, this thread is not limited to fiction writing.
    Still nothing recreational for me, but at least my writing for That-Which-Shan’t-Be-Named-On-Weekends is going well, so I’m happy there.

    1. Wry*

      Writing-esque: I’m supposed to be revising my novel, but lately it just hasn’t been happening. I just keep leaving it on the back burner while I prioritize other things. My own fault completely but it’s still frustrating! I’m hoping to jump back into it this weekend but we’ll see.

    2. Girasol*

      I’m pretty good at writing when I’m “in the flow” but I make excuses about writer’s block when I’m not and then don’t write for ages. So I’m trying now to be more disciplined about it: an hour a day, ready or not. It’s still a little early to tell but I think it’s working for me.

    3. DiamandisFan*

      Working on querying this weekend instead of writing. I find it both boring and overwhelming trying to research agents, so I keep putting this off. I’d so much rather just write and revise my fiction than try to get it published. But in an effort to be more of a main character in my own life, I’m trying to actually take steps toward my dream of getting published!

    4. I take tea*

      I’ve updated my hobby group’s blog regularly about once a week for a couple of months now. We are supposed to take turns, but everybody is very tired and I seem to be best at forcing out some text. It feels good to get it done, because I miss my own blog that I had to give up when I was burnt out / depressed, and I’d like to start it again, but I’ve been afraid that I’ve forgotten how to do it. Maybe I haven’t, then.

    5. Squeebird*

      I wrote 12 pages of backstory for my D&D character. Overkill? Sure, but it was fun.

      One of my tablemates read it and said it was “brilliant” though, which made me very happy! :)

    6. curly sue*

      I’m in editing mode for the book based off my dissertation, and while sections of the original are fairly clunky and thesis-esque, I’m rediscovering that I really like some of the chapters. It’s always interesting to come back to something after a year or two and look at it with fresh eyes.

  11. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Gaming thread! What’s everyone been playing this week? As usual, this is not limited to video games, so feel free to talk about board games and any other games you wish, including phone games. Also feel free to ask for recommendations or help identifying a vaguely-remembered game.

    Between watching Sony do PR damage control, I’ve managed to unlock the PSP version of Castlevania: Symphony of the Night on my copy of Dracula X Chronicles (my phone predicted I was going to say Dracula X factor for some reason…) so I’ve been playing that. Affordable physical version of SotN may or may not be the main reason why I own that version in the first place…Also, no offense to Yuri Lowenthal, but I vastly prefer Robert Belgrade to voice Alucard. To be fair though, most people would lose when they’re up against Belgrade XD.

    1. IrishEm*

      I fired up Dragon Age Inquisition for the first time in a while this week. Rolled a two-handed Dwarf with a beard who is nonbinary afab who (for gameplay reasons) continues to use she/her pronouns. Once I move into fanfic with this character the pronouns will change XD

      Trying to decide who to romance, and I think it’s going to be Josephine, who I have not yet romanced with any Inquisitor.

    2. twocents*

      My preorder for New Pokemon Snap is supposed to deliver Wednesday, so trying really hard to wrap up my replay of Fire Emblem Three Houses. The core game is a fun enough time, but I’m disappointed at just how little the DLC adds to the experience; I’m finding that it was kind of overpriced honestly.

      1. Decidedly Me*

        I didn’t realize there was a new one coming out! I still have a copy of the original one around here somewhere.

        1. twocents*

          I’m really excited! Apparently, it’s about 15 hours to beat the main game, 35 to 100% it, so that sounds like a good amount of time for the price. I am highly amused by all the people going “all you do is take pictures, really?” YES, and it’s amazing, thank you.

      2. LimeRoos*

        New PokemonSnap is awesome!! I pre-ordered the digital download and have already put in maybe 12 hours. It’s gorgeous and there’s so many pokemon included. The biomes are so different and cool, they really expanded the courses compared to the first one. Also, hitting pokemon with fruit is still as entertaining now as it was then, and now they’re adorable eating the fruit after. I have three pictures I already want to somehow use as art in my house and I’m pretty sure that’s impossible so I’m sad about it lol. The only thing I don’t like is Professor Mirror being too nice about crappy pictures XD. Professor Oak was so snarky and Prof. Mirror is very gentle in his criticism.

    3. Nicki Name*

      Today I tackle the last battle in the Crimson Flower route of FE3H, and then I need to figure out what to play next. I’ll take suggestions!

      Likes:
      * RPGs, adventures, casual games if they have a strong story
      * Science fiction and fantasy
      * Turn-based combat
      * Detailed character customization
      * PC, Switch, DS
      * Modern or retro

      Dislikes:
      * Action games where you have to do anything more complicated than mash one or two buttons randomly
      * Steam

      Examples of stuff I’ve loved: the Fire Emblem series, Infocom text adventures, the Bard’s Tale series, Planescape: Torment, Starflight, the Jewel Quest series

      1. twocents*

        You might enjoy Octopath Traveler, but as a fair warning, the 8 paths don’t have a *ton* to do with each other. I went into it knowing that, and found it a good enough time, but if you’re looking for where they converge, the answer is apparently “in a hella difficult end game” and I’m not that kind of gamer.

        Wargroove may be up your alley. It’s a tactical game like Fire Emblem, though it has more emphasis on the tactics than on the running around and interacting with characters. On that note, if you haven’t yet, you may want to try the Project Triangle Strategy demo; it’s about 4 hours, but I’m extremely excited from that taste for when it comes out.

        You may also like Pikmin 3 Deluxe. I believe there’s a demo on the eshop you can try. It’s about 15-20 hours; I played the original Wii U version, and liked it enough I picked it up again on the Switch.

        1. Nicki Name*

          Oooh, Octopath Traveler looks like My Kind Of Thing[tm]. Thank you!!

          The demo for Triangle Strategy looks interesting and I’ll probably try it.

      2. Jackalope*

        One note: if you haven’t played it yet, I’ll just say that the CF final battle is HORRID to riders (fliers are fine). I made the mistake of having one of my main fighters on a horse and I definitely regretted it.

    4. Elizabeth West*

      Frustrated because I want to dive into my conlang but I’m still preparing for that stupid Project+ test. I feel like I’m never going to be ready to take it! I also need to finish tweaking a bit of exposition so I can get Book 2 off to betas.

      My VO actor finished his recording and it sounds great, so I was going to work on the Book 2 trailer tomorrow if I’m not struggling with vaccine side effects. He told me he had some issues with noise or he would have finished sooner. About 2/3 of the way through the recording, he paused and I heard him mutter, “I’m gonna kill that pigeon.” :’D

    5. Quoth the Raven*

      I’m playing Hades! I am having so much fun with it I don’t mind dying again, and again, and again… the characters are charming, the music is great, and the gameplay is pretty good — challenging, but not to the point it feels unfair.

      1. twocents*

        Hades is great!! And I don’t even enjoy the genre. I’m glad you’re having fun. :D

        1. Quoth the Raven*

          Thanks! :D

          It’s not really a favourite genre, either, but I just kind of took a leap of faith with it and figured I’d try it. So glad I did.

    6. Anonymous Hippo*

      I’m not playing, just sitting here super grumped because I still haven’t managed to snag a PS5, and the remastered Mass Effect comes out in like 10 days. Sadness and despair.

    7. Nicki Name*

      Update: Finished the final battle! I definitely see what people mean about Crimson Flower being the true ending. Verdant Wind is still my favorite, though.

    8. Nynaeve*

      I’ve really been enjoying Jenny LeClue: Detectivú. Though it did end on a pretty abrupt cliffhanger (the main mystery was solved, so there wasn’t NO closure, but it veered off onto a tangentially related conspiracy mystery and just…ended). Hopefully the sequel comes out soon!

  12. Ifyoulikepinacoladas*

    I know I will get criticism for this but just need to get it out somewhere.

    I’m infatuated with a colleague and have been for two years. We’re both married. There’s no affair, emotional or otherwise, nor do I have any interest in embarking on one. It’s not really about him as much as lots of other things (an emotional crutch when I really needed one), but God some days it is so exhausting and misery inducing. I genuinely just want to get rid of these feelings but they just hum along inserting themselves in to my brain if I’m not fully occupied with something else. Only at work, not at home. I know it’s about me, not him, so any tips on getting over this?

    1. I'd Rather Be Eating Dumplings*

      Do you think you would be able to share this with your partner?

      When I developed an infatuation with a colleague, I brought it up to my partner and we were able to use it as a ‘jumping off point’ to discuss some stagnent areas in our relationship. Ultimately the crush passed and some aspects of our relationship improved.

      Also, it feels meaningful that this only distrubs you at work, not at home. How happy are you at work?

      1. Ifyoulikepinacoladas*

        Thank you for this kind reply. It’s not something I can raise with my husband at the moment due to some pressures in our life (part of why these feelings are manifesting too I think) which would make it an unfair burden at this point. But I think once this has passed it might be something to do. He’d definitely understand.

        I work in a school, so it’s very stressful and lonely at the moment! But is ordinarily a wonderful place that is really fulfilling and enjoyable. I’m a single person department so have spent most of the last 18 months without much meaningful adult interaction. My colleague is one of the few people I can engage with properly so that’s not helping matters.

        1. I'd Rather Be Eating Dumplings*

          That makes sense. It sounds like an incredibly tough situation — loneliness is really corrosive.

          My advice would be to treat yourself kindly right now. It’s not weird or bad to have a crush (or any feeling) towards a colleague or during a marriage. Pretty normal, actually. Given what you’re going through, it makes sense that your mind wants a ‘hopeful’ outlet to drift toward.

          YMMV, but in your shoes I’d turn to activities like extra long walks with a favourite podcast or audiobook, engaging activites like cooking or gardening, some self-compassion practices and maybe confiding in a friend who I know will be supportive.

          Since the problem is worse when you’re at work, you might want to bring something that can help you there. There are a lot of apps (I like Buddify) with little 5-minute mindfulness practices. Or a small notebook – you could quickly journal out feelings if stuff is feeling overwhelming in your mind, plus write down some mantras or solidifying advice that you can turn back to when overwhelmed and nothing feels solid.

          Good luck. You sound very considerate and thoughtful!

          1. I'd Rather Be Eating Dumplings*

            Book recommendations (again, YMMV):

            The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook by Kristin Neff PhD

            Mindful Path to Self-Compassion by Christopher Germer

            Also: I Capture the Castle by Dodie Smith. (A little fiction never hurts.)

          2. Elizabeth West*

            I don’t recommend writing anything about the colleague if anyone can get hold of the notebook, though.

    2. A.N. O'Nyme*

      Hmm, that’s a tough one. Do you think it would help to imagine him doing something that you find romantically off-putting but wouldn’t impact your opinion of him as a colleague? I’m thinking something in the direction of burping the alphabet as a party trick or chewing with his mouth open or microwaving fish.

      1. Anonymath*

        This worked for me. I thought about what the person did that I found unattractive. Anything that was a turn-off, any reason they wouldn’t be a good long-term partner. We’re still friends, but now I don’t think about him as anything more attractive than a good friend.

        1. Janet*

          Agreed! While I’m generally pro-crush, I found that imagining the person engaging in gross habits (hocking lugies, etc.) helps quash a crush that’s overstayed its welcome.

    3. ButFaaaaaaaaamily*

      Was just listening to a wonderful Modern Love podcast that noted how there are a few people we will meet over the course of a lifetime who we instantly click with. When you’re young, you expect this will happen often, but as you get older, you realize how rare it is to meet someone who really matches you. A couple years ago I had a colleague who was that for me. I had taken him out for a work dinner when he first started to help welcome him to the team (he was a former colleague of a good friend). And it was like lightning. I realized that if I wasn’t already VERY happily married, this is someone I could’ve seen myself dating and marrying. We had everything in common, he was hysterically funny, and he was humble and good looking to boot. Did I mention that my job involves a lot of travel, drinking, and after hours socializing (sales)?

      With that kind of a lead up, you’re probably expecting me to describe the ensuing affair but it didn’t happen for a few reasons:
      – I was (and am) in a happy marriage
      – I didn’t fight the crush. I acknowledged the feelings instead of pretending they weren’t there. Pushing that stuff down means it’ll only pop up stronger later
      – I put up some strong boundaries. Less drinking around this guy. Trying to stay with groups so as to not be alone.
      – I leaned in really hard to the knowledge that every person, no matter how perfect, has quirks and habits that will rub you the wrong way. Leaving the toilet seat up. Not capping the toothpaste. Hates movie theaters. Nasty farts after certain cuisines. Whatever it is, disgust is an excellent antidote to crushes.
      – Leaning in really hard to the wonderful things about my husband. My husband was not and is not not as witty as my former colleague, but he kept me grounded during a fight with depression. He has gotten better every single year of our marriage, from extra household chores to putting the baby to bed. In the day to day that comprises the bulk of a relationship, he shines. He has always put me and our family first, even when it was hard (toxic family). There simply is no amount of wit or charm that can replace the decade we have had growing together
      – My colleague eventually left the company and I gently did not keep in touch. I miss having him in the office sometimes, but I’m grateful to be away from temptation. I rarely think of him now (though of course this post brought back the memory!). Know that this too shall pass

    4. Tofu Pie*

      Not the same as unwanted romantic feelings but I recently dealt with lingering hurt/anger. Rather than suppressing unwanted feelings I tried to process them more objectively, like, “I notice I am feeling X” and contemplate where that feeling came from without judgment. Meditation surprisingly helped a lot, too.

    5. Generic Name*

      If it makes you feel any better, I was infatuated with a coworker for some years. I was married and he had a girlfriend. I never acted on it. Luckily, we didn’t work super closely, so that helped. I eventually divorced and am now remarried. Coworker and I still work together, and I would consider us work friends. He’s a great guy, and I’m very fond of him. And I just told my current husband about my former crush, and he said he wasn’t worried. :)

      I would suggest avoiding fantasizing about having a relationship with him and try to focus on parts of his personality that would make him not an ideal partner for you.

    6. Sparkles McFadden*

      No criticism here. This happens! You’re human.

      I have always worked in male-dominated fields and it happened far less often than in a more mixed workplace because I got to see the men in a more relaxed state. Since I was the only woman in the department they would forget I was there…and a lot of them were pretty disgusting. Disgust works wonders.

      Still, it would happen and I found the best strategy was to get to know the person’s significant other. If you cannot meet the person, then at least learn about her. Remembering there’s a real flesh and blood other person really is like a bucket of cold water…at least that’s how it works for me. It’s a reminder that the person has an entire life outside of your interactions. Remind yourself that you are only seeing the good parts; not the whole package. It keeps you from idealizing the person.

      As my mom used to say, this too shall pass. Give yourself a break.

    7. Invisible Fish*

      Anyone who criticizes you over something like this is a jerk. Being in a committed relationship doesn’t mean you become unaware of the world around you, it means you select to be in a certain kind of relationship with a certain specific person. Of course you’re going to meet appealing people as you go through life- we all are.

    8. ....*

      When you think about him imagine him doing the grossest most embarassing turn offs ever

    9. lemon meringue*

      I may be projecting here, but I think that when you have these kind of feelings linger for such a long time even though you know they’re not going anywhere, it’s usually because the relationship is giving you a little bit of something you’re missing in other parts of your life. But it’s not enough, so it gets miserable the longer it drags on. I know it’s an advice column cliché, but therapy can really help unravel what is at the core of it that makes it so hard to let go. Or even just talking about it with a close friend. It seems like maybe this guy is standing in for support you need in other areas of your life.

    10. Groundhogs Again*

      Is this kind of track thinking something you’re prone to? I’ve had thoughts that won’t leave my head and the advice below is based on that. It may not apply at all.

      If it is, you can try acknowledging the thoughts without focusing on them. Like when it pops up in your brain thinking ‘yep still there’ and then changing the subject.

      There’s an amazing interview with Rachael Bloom on a podcast ‘The Hilarious World of Depression’ where she explains it so well. I did not know this was a thing until I heard her explain it, or that there were actual things I could do about it. To badly paraphrase her description of dealing with obsessive thoughts…just because a bird flys into your house doesn’t mean you have to make a nest for it. You can look up and be like ‘yep, bird is still there’ then distract yourself with other things.

    11. Anonymous Hippo*

      I’m basically asexual, so you might take anything I say with a heaping serving of salt.

      It seems a bit much to me to have a crush on someone for 2 years. You describe it as infatuation, and from your description it does indeed sound like this is well past a crush. I wonder if there isn’t something else going on in your life (or something missing from your life) and you are using this to fill that space, unconsciously building and feeding this so that it didn’t die the natural death of a crush. Maybe talk with a therapist, but I’d at least try and do some indepth soul searching to try and really put words and names to what’s going on. What about your coworker attracts you? When these thoughts are intruding during your work day, can you spot a trigger? Could it even be something as pedestrian as work sucks, and they are a bright spot in the day, and friendship/kindness got confused with other feelings? I feel like there is something very telling that this only happens at work. If you were “truly” infatuated, it seems like it would spill into your personal life. Just some things to think about.

  13. Laura H.*

    Little Joys Thread.

    What brought you joy this week?

    We’ve gotten some much needed rain and I’m looking forward to breakfast later from my favorite food place while I wait to go in for my short Mother’s Day stint at the place that shan’t be named on the weekends. But now to catch some Zs.

    Please share your joys.

    1. Jackalope*

      I fulfilled a life-long dream this week of having a bedroom painted my favorite color. It was a LOT of work (my last big painting project didn’t involve furniture….), but I’m excited with how it turned out.

      1. Lobsterp0t*

        Yay for paint! We painted our bedroom last Sunday – Lick Pink 02. It’s so warm and cosy and lovely but also not PINK-pink.

        1. Jackalope*

          It’s a bright sunny yellow maybe 2-3 shades lighter than daffodils but a similar type of shade. I woke up to a cloudy morning today but it was still sunny in my room and that was so cheerful. I know yellow is a bit of an acquired taste for some but it just makes me feel happy looking around my room now.

          1. fposte*

            That sounds lovely! I really enjoy hearing what colors people choose. Left to my own devices, I’d probably just paint everything blue so I appreciate people who are more creative.

          2. Seeking Second Childhood*

            I had a yellow kitchen in a rental after college and loved it!

    2. The Other Dawn*

      I finally finished successfully recreating my 2019 taxes so I can then do an amendment.

      I used a different tax prep provider this year and the person assigned to my case discovered an error from the 2019 taxes, so in order to do an amendment I had to recreate the tax return first (for various reasons I couldn’t use the old service to do this). Well, while going through this excruciating, tedious process (depreciation, passive activity loss…) I discovered three pretty significant errors that the previous provider made, which I hadn’t caught due to being fresh out of back surgery and otherwise occupied, and that has resulted in a refund! She didn’t carry over the total cost of the house, which included previous improvements; didn’t carry forward accumulated depreciation; and used the itemized deductions rather than the much higher standard deduction. I had to pay $191.00 for 2019 and now I’ll be getting back over $1,000.00! Once the IRS processes the amendment, of course, which will likely take a while. But now my 2020 taxes can be completed. I’ll still have a large tax debt due to the capital gains from the sale of the old house and a couple other things, but then I will officially be DONE with that house and will never have to think about it again! No more landlording for me again…EVER.

    3. allathian*

      I booked my first vaccine appointment for next Friday! I’ve been looking forward to this so much.

      1. allathian*

        And I just heard that my cousin’s wife’s just given birth to their firstborn. I’m so happy for them, especially because they’ve been trying for a while.

    4. Lilo*

      I was stressed about how my kid would adjust back to daycare (it’s been a year, they had reduced capacity) and he was just totally fine. Hurray!

    5. ThatGirl*

      I found the cutest AirBnB to rent in June for a long overdue weekend with my two best friends from college. It’s been a very long time, we’re all vaccinated now, we’ll be two blocks from the beach and I can’t wait.

    6. violet04*

      I had a busy week at work, so it was lovely to turn off the alarm* and sleep in this morning. My five cats are all on the bed with me as I read the weekend open thread.

      *The feline alarms still woke me up at six for food. There is an outdoor feral who is usually waiting for food as well. I came back to bed and slept some some more. It was nice not to have to stay up and get ready for work.

    7. It's Quarantime!*

      So I’m not sleeping well… I wake up several times a night and, where I used to just roll over and go back to sleep, I now have a hard time falling asleep again cause the tinnitus is just so omnipresent and frustratingly distracting.
      And yet…
      Around 4am I decided to wander through Tumblr as I waited for sleep to return. I was giggling, I thought quietly, about a group chat thread with a hilarious typo. My Dad heard and thought I was crying. He came in to offer comfort and instead I showed him the thread and we both laughed together.
      It was definitely little, but it was a joy.
      I’m not sure if this link will work, but this is the thing we were laughing at.
      https://mobile.twitter.com/DeusExCinema/status/1385596571572649985

    8. SarahKay*

      A couple of days ago I had a red kite swoop past my kitchen window. It came round twice, and can’t have been more than 15 feet away, at most. It was absolutely spectacular, not least because I hadn’t realised how big they are.
      I live in a very typical suburb in a south-of-England-town, so seeing a kite up close like that was totally unexpected.

    9. Girasol*

      Grass widows. The volunteer planting crew was up on a mountain this week where the snow is still melting off, and we saw the most beautiful flock of grass widows – pretty lavender star shaped flowers that look like they’re growing on grass stems. The whole gang was delighted.

    10. It's Quarantime!*

      So I’m not sleeping well… I wake up several times a night and, where I used to just roll over and go back to sleep, I now have a hard time falling asleep again cause the tinnitus is just so omnipresent and frustratingly distracting.
      And yet…
      Around 4am I decided to wander through Tumblr as I waited for sleep to return. I was giggling, I thought quietly, about a group chat thread with a hilarious typo. My Dad heard and thought I was crying. He came in to offer comfort and instead I showed him the thread and we both laughed together.
      It was definitely little, but it was a joy.
      I tried to post earlier with a link to the chat thread, but I’m not sure if the link got it stuck in moderation or how that works…

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        It’s there now–links wait for Alison to have time to check the link.
        (I wonder what % she has to reject as spam.)

    11. Wishing You Well*

      A pair of Northern Flicker woodpeckers moved into our newly installed Flicker box!
      (Maybe now they’ll quit drumming on our house!)

      1. Pippa K*

        Good luck. We have flicker boxes all over the place and the bastards insist on attacking the house anyway. Possibly we have some weird subspecies. The Antisocial Behavior Hooligan Flicker? Bastards, anyway. At least they’re pretty.

    12. Llama face!*

      I planted some new-to-me herbs in a pot under a grow light (cinnamon basil). They had a 7-14 day germination period but they sprouted in only 2 days! They are so tiny and cute looking atm.

    13. LQ*

      I got vaccine #2 this week. Day 1 after wasn’t a thing but day 2 I felt crappy and achy and tired and then it passed and I felt ……..AMAZING. Amazing.

      And most of my friends are now through both of theirs and it’s so nice to just feel this little bit of relief. I think a little bit of it was the permission (self-and outside) to take the day and feel like shit and not worry about anything else.

    14. Puppy!*

      80 degrees here in the upper midwest. Zulily had a sale on kiddie pools. Bought two a few months ago. Had a puppy pool party. Two shaggy puppies leaping and splashing were a real joy.

    15. Nicole76*

      Recently got a smart thermostat (Google Nest). I love how I was able to increase the temperature this morning from bed.

    16. Fran Fine*

      My little joys for the week are:

      1) I was able to purchase the three Last Chance Replica Surfaces I’ve been eyeing for weeks before they sold out. I’ve taken up photography as a hobby in the last couple of months as a result of my technical writing courses (and my desire to be a content creator on a freelance basis), and I’ve been splurging on professional-looking photo backdrops like these. Which leads to

      2) My product and food photography has gotten so much better! I’ve been studying the tips and tricks on Replica Surface’s website for how to take professional grade photos with an iPhone (I need to invest in a DSLR camera at some point), and with the help of their surfaces (and some cheaper alternatives I’ve purchased off Amazon), my content portfolio has been completely transformed. I’m getting kudos from actual professionals (photographers) on my work, which is giving me more confidence to keep going with this.

    17. voluptuousfire*

      Had a job interview go well and saw my cat do her meerkat impression for the first time when she sat up on her hind legs to check out the squirrels in the tree in my front yard. In three weeks I’ll have had her a year and adopting her is the best thing I ever did.

    18. Might be Spam*

      My mother has finally agreed to move to senior independent living. After years of us trying to persuade her, suddenly she is super enthusiastic about moving and she’ll be all moved by the end of May. It takes her a long time to make a decision, but once she does, get out of the way. I’m sure she will like it and the rest of the family is relieved.

    19. WoodswomanWrites*

      I led a Meetup hike in a beautiful place that’s a spring wildflower hotspot, and someone I’d never previously met walked next to me mid-hike to thank me for all the joy I was providing to everyone. I was really touched.

    20. StellaBella*

      Two little things. I found black cherry jam and got two jars. And Saturday was the 8 year anniversary of one parent dying, so I did a lot of self care including having a glass of really nice red wine and a hot bath with a cup of Sicily (Mothia) Sea Salt I got in 2017 when I visited where my parent’s parents lived. :) It was a nice day remembering them and soaking in sea salt water. :)

    21. Generic Name*

      We got a new (to us) truck! Husband and I are kind of in shock. We went to a dealer expecting to just look around and stumbled across a 2013 model with less than 40k miles on it! We were also able to get the interest rate down on the loan, and overall it is a pretty great deal. With our budget, we were expecting to get a truck with more like 90k miles on it.

  14. Marzipan*

    Help! I need recipe ideas!

    I can cook perfectly well and generally quite intuitively, but I’m drawing a bit of a blank with the various constraints here:

    – Vegetarian
    – Something I can have on the table within 10-15 minutes of getting through the door with minimal effort at that point. I can pre-prep stuff (so, for instance, I can make a pasta sauce in advance and just heat it up and boil the pasta when we get in) but it’s not really going to work if I have to get into a lengthy cooking session at that point. I do have a microwave and slow cooker as well as ordinary hob, oven etc.
    – Needs to be suitable for both an adult and a baby – so, no choking hazards, and things like salt or significant amounts of chilli need to wait until the end to be added to just my portion.
    – Preferably things I can batch cook to some extent

    I feel like I’m just going to be alternating a couple of things at the minute so any additional ideas anyone can add into the mix would be much appreciated.

    1. Laura H.*

      Pinto or navy beans (canned)and rice? (maybe mashing up/ pureeing the beans would eliminate the choke hazard?)

    2. I'd Rather Be Eating Dumplings*

      Hmmm. With the cavaet that the first 2-3 times I run through a recipe, it usually takes me longer than the allotted time, these are some recipes that I can now put together in about 10-15 minutes:

      https://www.101cookbooks.com/archives/lazy-day-peanut-noodle-salad-recipe.html
      https://smittenkitchen.com/2018/04/asparagus-and-egg-salad-with-walnuts-and-mint/
      https://www.bonappetit.com/recipe/soy-and-scallion-tofu-bowl
      https://www.themediterraneandish.com/baked-feta-recipe/

      Some recipes that I like to prep ahead & eat later:

      https://www.bonappetit.com/recipe/marinated-beets-with-pistachios-and-tarragon
      https://smittenkitchen.com/2019/01/cozy-cabbage-and-farro-soup/
      https://www.bonappetit.com/recipe/rustic-leek-and-potato-soup-with-fried-herb-gremolata
      https://www.theguardian.com/food/2020/nov/23/yotam-ottolenghis-mustardy-cauliflower-cheese

    3. Lobsterp0t*

      Green roasting tin cook book! Most of the recipes you can pre chop and then on the day you throw it together in the oven. There’s a good courgette feta and sun dried tomato bake in there and a couple others too, where you can easily skip some bits till the end.

      I don’t know anything about babies but I have ADHD and if I cook at all, 90% of it is from this book

      1. DistantAudacity*

        The Rukmini Iyer book? It’s great (the entire series is – there are vegeterian options in all of then) – I love it so much!

        And – definetly the reheat of leftovers on a lot of the dishes is super-quick.

        One of my favourites is the roasted gnocchi/tomatoes (incl stems/mozarella recipe from the original Roasting Tin Cookbook.

        1. Lobsterp0t*

          Yep, love her.

          I like the fold out section in the middle with the meta/recipes for different stuff.

      2. Reba*

        Love this cookbook! We always double or triple to have leftovers. You could do a lot of the roasting on weekends and then assemble portions on weeknights.

        There is also a “quick” book in the series which may be of interest to the OP.

        (For those in the US, the American title for the series is “Dinner’s in the Oven,” much less cute)

        1. Lobsterp0t*

          Yes! I want to try the quick one but we are pescatarian leaning to veggie, so I figure quite a bit of it may be lost on me.

          1. Reba*

            Yeah, I’ve moved away from buying “regular” i.e. meat-including cookbooks as a veggie person, but recently I realized I don’t make every recipe in vegetarian cookbooks so should I really be worried about missing out on some of the meat ones? :)

    4. c-*

      Hummus!

      It’s my go-to recipe for potlucks for all the reasons you listed. Super easy to make, too, but DON’T skimp on the olive oil, and add a chopped onion or half an onion in when pureeing the chickpeas ;) You can skip the sesame if you want.

      Throw in some raw carrots cut length-wise and breadsticks for dipping (that are kept away from the kids if needed), and enjoy!

      1. c-*

        And since I’m here and got some time to kill, I’ll just give you my hummus recipe:
        – 1 large jar of cooked chickpeas, around 800g liquid weight.
        – 1 onion, chopped
        – 2-3 garlic cloves, chopped
        – 1 tablespoon ground cumin
        – 1/2-1 tablespoon salt, to taste
        – 100-200 mL extra virgin olive oil. 100 is the minimum, you can add up to 200 to taste.
        – 1 lemon’s worth of juice
        – 1 glass of water (optional)
        – Seasoning to taste: sweet paprika powder, salt, ground cumin, olive oil.
        – Garnish: raw carrot sticks, bread sticks.

        1. Put the chickpeas (with their liquid), onion, garlic, cumin, and salt to boil in a large saucepan. When boiling, lowest heat for 30-40 mins, covered. Add water if needed so it doesn’t burn.
        2. Puree well with a mixer and let cool.
        3. Once cool, mix in lemon juice, oil, and seasonings till you like the flavour. I like to use a lot of oil and lemon, adjust to your and your guests’ taste.
        4. Serve with garnish to dip, spread, or eat with a spoon. Enjoy!

          1. c-*

            You’re most welcome! I really like it and it’s super easy to make, I hope you’ll enjoy it if you try it :)

      2. Marzipan*

        Thanks for this! You reminded me that I have a great recipe for cooking dried chickpeas, with a grated onion in with them, and I’d been meaning to see how it came out as hummus. Feeling pretty tough today (had my first AstraZeneca vaccine yesterday and I think I’ve also caught a cold from the baby) but I still managed to put a sensible lunch of hummus and pita bread on the table (well, the baby pretty much just ate the hummus with his fists but it was a success). The rest of the chickpeas are now on their way to becoming a tagine-inspired vegetable stew. Result!

        1. c-*

          Yay! That sounds very pragmatic AND delicious, Marzipan :) I hope you feel better soon!

    5. recipe ideas*

      Budget Bytes has a lot of easy, quick vegetarian ideas. You might browse over there! We love the coconut lentil curry and the curried chickpeas with spinach. They are not ready in 15 min but the hands-on time is under 15 min — if you’re OK letting things burble for a bit. Both reheat beautifully as well, so you could pre-make them…

    6. Emma2*

      I make the Minimalist Baker spicy red lentils with pasta (it does not need to be spicy, you can just add chilli flakes to your own serving). If you have cooked the lentils in advance, it takes no time.

    7. Rebecca Stewart*

      I would encourage you to take a couple hours a week to do a meal plan and whatever prep you can ahead of the week. I know for myself and my family a lot of stews and curries freeze well, and I freeze them in one-meal portions, so I don’t have extra unthawed.
      Can’t help you out too much on recipes; my body hates vegetables and legumes so I’m sort of an obligate carnivore at this point.

    8. Richard Hershberger*

      My go-to vegan dish:

      Chop an onion and saute it in olive oil in a large sauce pan.

      Add the following:

      one large can diced tomatoes
      one small can tomato sauce
      one cup lentils
      seasoning to taste (I use oregano, thyme, basil, um, the one that’s not coming to mind just now, and a bit a salt. Frankly, Italian seasoning would work just fine.)

      Simmer for, oh, let’s say 45 minutes to an hour. Serve over the starch of your choice. My usual is couscous. In your case, make a pot the day before. It reheats just fine, while you are brining the water to a boil for the couscous.

      It is very simple, and tastier than you would think. The lentils give it that oomph that carnivores crave.

    9. D'Euly*

      I cook enough beans for the week on the weekend, portion them out in meal-size tupperware, and then heat up for the meal. I don’t like too much repetition, so the other components of the meal will be different: rice and tomatoes and salsa one night, roasted root veg another night, huevos rancheros another night. A very easy way to jazz up the beans is to heat a couple tablespoons of olive oil in a small pan with whatever spices/salt you want and then pour over the beans just before serving. Or you can treat them like a salad and add a mustard vinaigrette.

      For baby-friendly, it depends on the beans (well, and on the baby). Mine is happy to eat larger beans cut in half if necessary with his fingers. Lentils are easier if I dollop a bit of yogurt on them and then he can eat them with a spoon.

    10. Ali G*

      Fried rice. You can pre-cook the rice, buy the frozen stir fry mix, and then all you have to do is scramble up some eggs.

    11. HannahS*

      Fried rice? Depends if your baby is having finger foods yet. If you have the ingredients chopped beforehand and leftover rice from another meal, it takes a very short time.

    12. Chilipepper*

      I like to batch cook soups, have it for one meal, and freeze the rest in small portions. It means I always have something on hand that defrosts easily and well. Add some salad and bread and boom, dinner!

    13. ImOnlyHereForThePoetry*

      Omelets (or scrambled eggs) for the days when you don’t have a prepared meal to reheat.

    14. Fellow Traveller*

      These are some really good ideas!
      Some of our go to fast meals:
      We do breakfast sandwiches on the evenings when we are really pressed for time. Egg, cheese, (sausage optional), on English muffins. Fruit on the side.
      Pasta salad- pasta with cut up carrots, cucumbers, tomatoes, feta cheese, cannelini beans or chick peas. Balsamic vinaigrette. Or if I want something that that will hold up for leftovers I’ll make a grain salad version- takes longer to cook the grains, but you can do that ahead of time.
      Potstickers/ dumplings. Usually whatever we get at Costco or Trader Joe’s, though our favorite dumpling place has also started selling their frozen dumplings to buy in bulk. I prefer boiling to pan frying for speed and easy clean up.
      Noodles and vegetables. Usually soba, ramen, or udon noodles. I’ll cook the noodles and throw in veggies the last two minutes of cooking (carrots, broccoli, frozen peas, mushrooms, cabbage). Drizzle with sesame oil, white pepper, soy sauce, rice spice powder. If I want more protein, I’ll pan fry some tofu while the noodles cook. If i think ahead, I’ll press the tofu in the morning.
      Bagged frozen tortellini with jarred sauce.
      Mark Bittman has a cookbook called How To Cook Everything Fast which has a lot of really good 10-15 minutes meals.

    16. Lobsterp0t*

      Another thing we did was subscribe to GOUSTO for a couple months. They have a bunch of 10-minute meals and we kept the recipe cards. Even their other meals are really about 20 minutes of prep. We are in the UK, I’m not sure if you have Gousto in the USA or elsewhere. It didn’t feel like the best value for money long term but it was great early in the pandemic when my brain stopped working !

    17. Double A*

      I don’t know if its the healthiest, but we eat a lot of nachos. I get the heartier chia/quinoa filled chips, and we just put refried & black beans & cheese on there and pop it in the toaster oven. Top with salsa and avocado and sour cream if you like. You can also do a bean and rice bowl in a very similar vein. Nice and customizable.

      For the baby, we didn’t give her the chips, just the beans etc.

    18. Marzipan*

      Thanks everyone! Feeling slightly less stuck now and I have a meal plan sorted for the coming week.

    19. Jane of all Trades*

      Have you tried couscous? Fast, vegetarian, ready in 15 minutes! You can throw in any veggies you like, I like to mix & match peas, carrots, tomatoes, scallions or spring onions, peppers, maybe celery, eggplant!

    20. I take tea*

      Some favourite fast foods:

      Grean pea soup is really quick:
      Fry some chopped onion (shallops if you have them, but any onion goes)
      Add a little water and bouillon.
      Add a lot of frozen green peas
      Cook a couple of minutes
      Add cream, I prefer coconut milk, but any cream works
      Spice with pepper, lime, maybe a little chili in your own soup
      Mix until smoothish

      Pasta with green pea pesto is also really quick and good. Just mix the thawed peas with some basil and oil and a little garlic. Roast some sunflower seeds and add them.

      Cook red lentils with bouillon and mash them. Some steamed veggies, and you have a meal. Sometimes I add a veggie patty.

    21. lemon meringue*

      Highly recommend the Indian Instant Pot Cookbook. Not all of the recipes are vegetarian, but most can be adapted, and all of the recipes I’ve tried so far are extremely good, so it’s a high proportion of useable recipes anyway. I don’t have an Instant Pot, but I find that pretty much all of the recipes will work in a slow cooker. It just takes longer. I’ve never been able to make a satisfactory curry from home before I bought this.

    22. Natalie*

      For whatever it’s worth, pretty much anything can be baby friendly as long as you cut/mash/blend their portion suitably for wherever their eating skills are at. Babies can eat spices and even salt – sodium is an essential element for life, you just have to keep an eye on their overall sodium consumption since their kidneys are immature. I’m not sure how old your baby is or how you are weaning them, but I found baby-led weaning resources really helpful for preparation suggestions even though I didn’t use full on BLW with our daughter.

    23. Meal prep to the Rescue*

      prep work:
      make a big salad in the weekend – store dressings separately in a glass bottle.
      cook a few types of beans and grains in the weekend.
      make oatmeal bars, burrito wraps, lasagne, pasta sauce etc to freeze
      most veggie soups (without cheese) freeze well
      buy frozen veggies
      read up vegetarian meal prep – you’ll get more ideas
      buy Instant pot – best decision I ever made!
      Btw instant pot also makes easy one pot pasta, minestrone soup etc..

      1. Few more tips*

        I also love quinoa salad. This stays well for a week in fridge.
        Cook quinoa, cool it down, mix olive oil, lemon juice and salt and add to quinoa.. add beans, sun-flower seeds, chopped cucumber etc. You can keep some aside for the child before adding seeds, nuts etc..

        I also do overnight oats in different flavours, chia puddings, etc.. And I like to bake oatmeal in small mason jars, each with diff flavor and store in fridge / freezer. There are a lot of good baked falafel recipes around that freeze well.

        Add flax meal, almond meal, hemps seeds etc to boost nutrition ..

  15. Princess Deviant*

    I know that this has been covered a few times but I’ve been back (admittedly not very far) and can’t seem to find it.
    Do you have any migraine remedies please? I am absolutely at my wits end.
    This is the third day of an absolutely horrible migraine. They are hormonal for me (cis woman going through perimeno) but this particular one is also related to stress.
    Lately they’re very bad.
    I take ibuprofen and paracetamol (no caffeine) for the pain. I generally drink herbal or decaf tea or coffee, and try to swim which helps – I think it’s the regulated breathing in and out of water that does it – but the pools are still semi-shut so I’m only able to go twice a week. I also sleep if I can… But perimeno and sleep aren’t always good friends.

    1. I'd Rather Be Eating Dumplings*

      Not me, but one of my friends had life-long migraine problems. This may not be an option for you, depending on where you are, but she started taking a low-TCH cannibas gummy as well as an over-the-counter painkiller and said it’s way better than the heavy-duty prescription migraine medications she was taking previously.

      She still has to take a few hours off and lay in a dark room, but the pain is apparently much more managable and the side effects from the medication much better. I cannot for the life of me remember the name of the presciption medication she had beforehand.

    2. Grace*

      I seem to have so far avoided the hormonal migraines that run in my family, but everyone I know has a prescription for a triptan, usually sumatriptan, to take during a migraine to kick it. The other main remedy they use is a topical application, the UK brand is “4head”, not sure about internationally – my mum swore by it on the occasions she’d run out of her sumatriptan.

    3. twocents*

      When I got migraines, they were stress induced, so these may not work: limit screen time, limit light and sound, and only drink Gatorade. I don’t even much care for Gatorade, but something about it lets me keep it down and stay hydrated; I used to keep some small bottles around just in case I needed to try to stave off one.

    4. Rebecca Stewart*

      It sounds like you might want to see your doctor for one of the triptan meds. My mom had menstrual migraines and sumatriptan helped those a lot.

      I don’t have menstrual ones. I have stress and weather ones. (sigh) Menopause won’t do a thing for those.

      1. Texan In Exile*

        My migraines are also weather related (and glare – and dehydration – and low blood sugar), but they have diminished dramatically since menopause! I don’t know why, but maybe it’s in compensation for the hot flashes? (Which I will never joke about again lordhavemercy they are miserable.)

        1. Princess Prunella*

          Same. Menopause has really helped with my migraines from barometric pressure changes, lights, dehydration. But until then I HAD to use sumatriptan.

    5. peasblossom*

      Lifelong migraine sufferer here! If it’s this regular, I agree with Rebecca’s post: talking to a doctor about medication is a good idea. I was on imitrex for awhile in my early 20s when I was getting them frequently, and it made a huge difference.

      Two non-medication practices, though, that I credit with significantly reducing both the severity and frequency of my migraines were massage and yoga. I realize both of those things might be particularly tough to track down at the moment, but they’re are some good online yoga channels (glo!) and a good massage therapist should be very cautious about covid protocols.

    6. Ali G*

      For me it’s staying hydrated, but I also have to keep my electrolytes up. So not just water, but sports drinks. Or if you don’t have them, water and saltines or other salty or sugary stuff.

    7. Dwight Schrute*

      Yes! I am in love with my headache hat. I got it from Amazon. It’s about $40 and it has tiny little ice packs in it that you can move around to position exactly where they need to be, and you can adjust how tight it is so it can squeeze your head if you find that comforting like I do. Hope you feel better soon!

    8. PostalMixup*

      Agree with the tryptan – sumatriptan has done wonders for me. There are also a couple medical devices that have been shown to reduce migraines (cefaly & nerivio) that are basically TENS devices – I haven’t tried them. I also see an increase in seasonal migraine if I skip my antihistamine. If you don’t take one, you might try. If you do, you might try another. When my daughter weaned (hormones!) I had six months where I was having 3-4 migraine days a week. They were much reduced when I switch from Claritin to Allegra, like within an hour of the first dose.
      Hope you feel better soon!

      1. Windchime*

        I take sumatriptan as well. I’ve found that taking it earlier is better; sometimes if I wait too late it doesn’t help as much or, if it’s a bad migraine, I’ll barf it up. Bleah.

        Also….a hot shower or a heating pad on my head. I know the recommendation is generally for ice and sometimes that helps, too, but honestly standing with my head under a very warm (almost HOT) shower really seems to help.

        1. Cambridge Comma*

          I have one that melts in your cheek, you don’t even have to swallow, so you might want to ask to try it. It’s Maxalt in the UK and some of Europe, might have a different name elsewhere.

    9. MissDisplaced*

      I actually had good migraine relief success with the Tylenol + Codine you can get OTC in the UK.

      That’s not available here in the US without a prescription, but I would stock up whenever I went to London. I’ve also tried specific migraine medicine like Imitrex, but didn’t like how I felt on it.

      Other than that, an ice bag on your head helps a lot, laying down in a dark room, lots of water.

    10. saltedchocolatechip*

      Echoing the triptan rec, definitely helpful that you can combine with OTC. You mentioned no caffeine in your current routine so maybe you don’t want to try Excedrin (and certainly have to be careful about rebound headaches from the caffeine) but that (with lots of water) has often been what pushed back a headache before it got to the triptan need.

      I get mild nausea/loss of appetite with mine (which when combined with motion sickness is a true nightmare) and ginger tea or Dramamine sometimes help.

      Hope you feel better soon!

    11. California Poppy*

      My doctor prescribed: magnesium glycinate + B2 + E. I take them every night at bedtime and haven’t had a migraine in a year. I do have a Relpax Rx as a backup, which used to work well enough to end a migraine after it began. Getting dehydrated, not getting enough sleep, and flashing lights are all triggers for me.

      1. MissCoco*

        Magnesium oxide (500mg) was life changing for me, I still get a few a year, but they are far more manageable.

    12. Seal*

      I had hormonal migraines related to my monthly cycle for years. What finally worked for me was taking 400mg of vitamin B2 (riboflavin) daily. It was miraculous – I went from having bad migraines monthly to having mild ones maybe a couple of times a year. The only side effect was neon-yellow urine, which compared to the horrid side effects from migraine medications was nothing. Once I went through menopause the migraines went away, so I stopped taking the B2.

      1. TuxedoGato*

        Seconding the comments about taking magnesium and B2 supplements! That combo took a few months of daily use to work for me, but once it did, no more migraines. Can’t recommend enough!

      2. un-pleased*

        My dad was getting really awful migraines, and this is what worked for him, even though he had prescriptions for triptans.

    13. AvonLady Barksdale*

      In addition to supplement and medication suggestions, when you’re dealing with a multi-day migraine, sometimes you have to lie down with a cold washcloth on your forehead. Try to drink as much as you can, and don’t push yourself too hard.

      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        I have a Puressentiel brand headache rollerball treatment which I find helpful, but for migraines, going for a lie down in a darkened room seems to be best for me.

    14. Aeryn Sun*

      I had this same problem. The thing that works for me is CBD oil (in pill form). Start taking them when it starts. And I take black cohash every day for all the hormonal symptoms as well.

    15. HamlindigoBlue*

      Migraines run in my family, though I fortunately do not suffer from them. My son has gotten them since he was about 8 years old. He has a prescription for sumatriptan (Imitrex) that he can take as soon as he feels one coming on. He has said it doesn’t do much other than take the edge off. My sister swears by 440mg of naproxen (Aleve). It’s the maximum dose recommended, but she has stopped filling her (and her children’s) prescriptions, and they just use the max dose of Aleve now.

      When my son was first diagnosed, the pediatrician recommended a piece of dark chocolate with a cup of Mountain Dew. Something about the sugar and caffeine combo was supposed to help, and it did for a while. -Until it stopped working, and we went with meds. We are going to try the naproxen/Aleve for his next one to see if that works any better.

    16. Princess Deviant*

      Thanks everyone for taking the time to answer :-)
      A combo of naproxen (and paracetamol) and supplements, plus ice and dark room, and sugar/salt are things I can try right now and if they don’t work over the next few months then I will book an appt woith my GP.
      Many thanks again x

    17. Bibliovore*

      thank you for bringing this up.
      Imitrex as soon as the colideascope visuals start. I take 375 mg of naproxen, plus 1 xtra strength Tylenol. I drink a small coke or gateraid. take to my bed in the dark.
      Dr. said it is the atmospheric pressure changing.
      Been worse since the Covid vaccines- about 4 a week for the last 3 weeks.
      Trying to get an appointment at a headache clinic.

    18. Qwerty*

      Always happy to help! I’ve tried a lot of stuff because I get desperate after a couple days of migraines. Mine are environmental rather hormonal, but there’s a lot of overlap in treatment.

      Medication
      – Excedrin (or generic equivalent) works better than plain paracetamol, partly because of the caffeine/aspirin combination. Unlike regular headaches that are from constricted blood vessels, migraines are tied to too much blood flow, so the caffeine helps mitigate that
      – Consider replacing ibuprofin with Excedrin or aspirin. I’ve read some stuff lately that suggests ibuprofen actually makes migraines worse
      – Sumatriptan/Imitrix – This is an Rx that has been lifechanging for me in stopping the pain for several hours at a time.
      – Nyquil helps at night. It either knocks me out, or it gives me temporary relief from the migraine. Sometimes both. So if I’m awake, at least my head isn’t being a jerk.
      – Willowbark topical cream – I use a brand call Willow Balm. This is basically aspirin, but in a topical form and with some menthol. The topical means that you absorb it differently which seems to help since migraines mess up our metabolism/digestive system. The menthol helps disrupt the pain while you wait for the cream part to kick in, so you can apply it directly to the part of your head that hurts (avoiding the eyes or below the eyes)

      Supplements
      – Electrolytes! Stuff like Gatorade and Smart Water are your friends because they help keep you hydrated and restore electorlytes. I prefer electrolyte waters that have magnesium too, so I’ve been partial to Smart Water lately. Vitamin powders like EmergenC are also good because they have electrolytes and other vitamins.
      – Magnesium! This was a life changer for me in reducing the frequency and severity of migraines. Most people are deficient in magnesium and its hard to absorb from food. If you are going to take supplement, there are some charts online about the different types of magnesium because different types are used to treat different symptoms. We absorb magnesium topically, so there a lot of creams and lotions with it. I use Dr Teals Lotion because it has epsom salt (magnesium sulfate) – you absorb topicals best in the inner thigh and inner arms, plus I put it on my neck and shoulders to relax those muscles
      – Vitamins in general. Taking a daily vitamin is super helpful
      – Probiotics – This one surprised me, but actually helped. There’s a theory the reason migraine sufferers are prone to digestive issues like nausea and vomiting is due to the vagus nerve. So gut health also influences migraines. (I feel like I can unofficially confirm the vagus nerve theory, because the migraine that my covid vaccine caused extended through that entire nerve system and made it feel like it was on fire)

      Other stuff
      – Avoid foods with thyramine. I might be spelling that wrong, but basically avoid the foods that people taking MAOIs should avoid, because apparently they make migraines worse.
      – Use a humidifier – This might be the wrong season for that, but I’ve found it helpful during drier seasons to have a humidifier. No idea why – not sure if it made my head less annoying or if the white noise was soothing.
      – Eucalyptus oil and spearmint oil are my friends. I forget the exact benefits of each oil, I started them because they were in my lotion and I liked the smell and eventually researched the other ways they are helpful. I put the oil in the diffuser spot of my humidifier and it makes me feel rather relaxed – I’m not saying it takes the pain away, but it makes me care less about the pain if that makes any sense. I also have a shower oil with these oils that I’ll use since steamy showers help me. The mint part also makes your skin feel tingly which helps disrupt the pain, which is another reason I like my dr teal’s lotion.
      – Massage your neck/shoulders or do exercises like stretching/easy yoga, tai chi, quinyong that help loosen/relax them. Turns out that the pain of a migraine can cause your muscles in your neck/shoulder to tighten to the point that they cause the next migraine. So you can basically get a loop where your migraine is caused by your migraine.
      – Blue light lenses – I wear them anytime I look at a screen if I’m dealing with a trigger for a migraine. Screens really exacerbate symptoms, even when I have the nightlight filter feature turned on. Sometimes I wear them for even watching tv. If it’s a super sunny day, I might even put them on just to help with a teeny bit of regular light filtering.
      – Brain freeze. It doesn’t feel painful during a migraine, just a bit tingly. I think it helps because its basically an internal cold pack, and for the reasons about needing to constrict blood vessels. It’s a temporary measure – I used to get a frozen coke from the grocery store to give myself brain freeze a few times (plus it has caffeine), and then I’d get some relief for an hour. Lately its been more of drinking ice water to keep my body temperature down or eating some sorbet.

      When really stuck, just do…something. Anything. Placebo effect is majorly your friend. I used to sometimes stick my head in a bowl of ice water – I don’t know if that actually helped but I felt pretty decent for like 15min after. I notice that if I feel like I’m actually doing something about it, I’m able to mentally notice the pain a little less and be less miserable. That might be why I like my willow balm cream, because applying it makes me feel like I’m an active participant in fighting the migraine rather than hoping a pill will take hold. Like, I doubt a foot or hand massage actually helps with a migraine, but I do feel better after giving myself one because it forced my brain into another mood.

      Adding this last part for people whose migraines are related to environmental pressure or think turbinates are the issue. Not sure if they’ll help at all for hormonal ones.
      – Afrin spray is a test for if turbinate size (something in your nose) could be related to your migraines
      – Snore strips help relieve the pressure and mitigate the symptoms. I don’t just mean at night, I put one on when I’m dealing with a migraine during the daytime if I don’t have any video calls scheduled.

      1. Princess Deviant*

        Wow thanks so much for typing all that out! That’s really interesting about the vagus nerve …I am going too research more about that for sure. Thank you so much for these tips.

      2. Brooklyn*

        This is so thorough! Agreed about excedrin. My migraines are weather related and definitely not hormonal, so maybe it’s different, but my three stages of migraine coping are definitely denial, advil, and excedrin. Again, mine are weird – I can feel them coming hours in advance, but I’ve found that excedrin, gentle yoga, and a nap work better than almost all the RX drugs I’ve tried (and the side effects are much nicer).

    19. Jules the First*

      Sunglasses indoors (I was a huge skeptic because mine don’t come with visual symptoms, but my BIL recommended it, I tried it, and it works a treat) and an ice pack applied to the bone behind your ear.

      1. PostalMixup*

        I have a pair of TheraSpecs, which selectively block a certain wavelength of light and have clinical evidence that they reduce migraines. They’re pricey and look like I’m channeling Elton John, but I do think they help some.

    20. StrikingFalcon*

      Hormonal migraines are caused by a drop in estrogen levels during the menstrual cycle. My gyn put me on a very low dose of estradiol that I take only during my period. It hasn’t made them go away 100%, but it’s taken them from multi-day misery every single month to a level where I can take something and get back to functional most of the time. Birth control that includes estrogen can also help.

      You’ve gotten lots of suggestions for triptans, and they are definitely the first line of defense for acute migraine treatment. There’s also a new medication called Ubrelvy that can be taken during a migraine.

      If you are getting multiple migraines every month, your doctor may also suggest a preventative medication. There are more options for this than there were even a couple years ago, so it’s worth talking to a doctor about it.

      You’ll want to see your primary care doctor and possibly get a referral to a neurologist, depending on how frequent they are and how familiar your primary care doctor is with the options. Since your migraines are hormonal, you can also discuss it with you gyn. I hope you get relief soon! Migraines suck.

    21. Spice for this*

      I addition to all the recommendations here, have you tried:
      -green light therapy
      -acupuncture
      -mindfulness
      -rolfing
      -have your hormones testes via a dry urine test / to check levels better than blood test
      -had a food allergy test to find out if any foods are a contributing factor
      -or it could be a histamine issue

    22. Dr. Doll*

      I hope you can see a doctor, preferably a neurologist who is a migraine specialist. Waiting a few months to see if any of our well-meaning, knowledgable, but not expert, AAM advice works seems pretty miserable.

    23. PT*

      Take a dose of Benadryl at bedtime, two nights in a row. It’s a great way to kill a migraine that won’t go away. Apparently this is what you get if you go to the ER for an infusion, but I stumbled upon it by accident.

      I also recommend going to the doctor and getting a prescription for triptans. They are like magic.

      If you get 4 or more migraine days a month you’re considered to need treatment by a neurologist, and 15+ is considered chronic. I was up over 15 before I thought to go to a doctor and it turned out I should have gone way sooner. I didn’t realize how crummy I’d been feeling until we got my medication adjusted to the point where I went 5 days without a migraine and had all my energy back. There are lots of different options for treatment, so you’ll be able to choose what you’re comfortable with out of what is available.

      1. ampersand*

        What used to work for me during multi-day migraines that wouldn’t go away was Serapin injections in my forehead/face and neck, administered by my neurologist. It took care of the pain almost immediately, and sometimes it was the only thing that worked. I didn’t have any side effects; it did require going to the doctor during a migraine, though, and going anywhere during a migraine can be less than ideal when you’re feeling that bad.

    24. IHaveMigraineGetLost*

      Find your migraine triggers.
      – Red wine, chocolate, dairy, gluten, some type of lentils/peas, aged cheese, nitrites, sulphites, aged fish, bright light, heat, too much light, annoying sound, loud volume noise, certain scents, chemicals, Stress, chlorine, etc are some of my migraine triggers.. You observe and find what’s triggering yours.
      – I have to wear polarized sun glasses every time I step outside the door.
      – check if your computer/laptop monitor is too bright..
      – Migraine pills really messed up my hormones – so I stay away from them.

    25. Anonymato*

      What was really helpful for me is a supplement called Woman’s Passage from company Vitanica that is specific to perimenopausal women. They have different supplements for different stages/hormonal issues. This helped me both with the migraines and the extreme emotional swings and night sweats. There is some contraindications, so just check the label. Good luck!

  16. PineappleCandle2*

    Women’s health question: Have any other women had a fibroid while of childbearing age? I have one and am torn between doing surgery, which my doctor recommends, and trying more natural remedies to improve my health and fibroid situation by extension. My husband and I want to try for a kid later this year. The potential risks from surgery make me nervous, but I also don’t want to struggle to get pregnant due to this issue. It doesn’t help that so much of what I’ve read about fibroid surgery is for women who are near or in menopause, not younger. Any advice from someone who’s been in this position? (The surgery I would get is called hysteroscopic myomectomy for anyone who’s curious.) Thanks!

    1. Marzipan*

      I had a whole heap of fibroids (and presumably still do) while undergoing fertility treatment. Three definitive ones and probably a bunch of teeny ones as well. In my case, my doctor was happy that their placement and type wouldn’t impact my treatment, so I left them alone. They did grow considerably while I was pregnant (up to about 10cm each) bit I didn’t have any real problems with them and again, the location of them was such that they weren’t a concern for labour and delivery. I did have extra scans during pregnancy to measure them, and some additional precautions during labour. Obviously it would depend on which type and where they are, but it’s probably worth exploring with your doctor why specifically this fibroid concerns them. Best of luck!

    2. Risa*

      This is going to sound absurd, but I promise it’s true. I had a 4 pound fibroid removed when I was 30. Mine was growing out of the top of my uterus into the abdominal cavity, so I didn’t have the traditional symptoms associated with the fibroids. I was warned that a hysterectomy was a serious possibility for the surgery if the doctor determined it was needed once he got in there. Fortunately, the surgery went well, and the doctor said there was no reason to believe that it would impair my ability to have children. I didn’t end up having kids (just wasn’t in the cards for us).

      I elected to go ahead with the surgery, rather than take medicine that would temporarily put me into menopause and shrink the tumor. If I had to do it over again, I would make the same choice. I’ve had no issues resulting from the surgery in the 13 years since I had it. My surgery was a little different from what they are planning for yours, because they could not do it laparoscopically. Mine was actually much more invasive with a longer recovery period.

    3. Lobsterp0t*

      Ooh, I’m sorry you’re going through this. My mom had fibroids (but as you say, she was closer to menopause) and already had us.

      I don’t know about natural remedies. My mom tried everything they could throw at her and finally ended up having a hysterectomy (but again, for her that made sense, she was done having kids). I think it was elective but really, she’s been 150% happier since just having it all out.

      It has to be really hard to feel like you have to potentially choose between a pain free existence and getting pregnant- I hope you can find an effective treatment that allows for both so you have a real choice.

    4. Katefish*

      I have one annoyingly large one and two smaller ones. For the large one, I did two surgical consults (ob and fertility) and an MRI. They both ultimately decided against surgery because they thought it would weaken my uterus too much to have kids. The whole (stressful!) process did end up finding polyps, which I had surgically removed in December. Currently pregnant with our first after a long time trying, thank God. Once I’m done having kids honestly I would like the large one gone; also hoping they shrink after pregnancy. I think the key issue for fertility is if they’re in the way of where the baby would be and if you haven’t gotten pregnant already with them – the doctor can scan and make a recommendation but there’s also a comfort level there. I don’t think there’s anything natural that’s proven to shrink them but my woo mother thinks maca and good diet will help. Good luck to you whatever you decide – I’ve found this whole thing about as psychically comfortable as knowing there’s an alien in me, just one of those Why, Body, Why?! things.

    5. Jo*

      Not sure where you are, but I’m in the UK, and the advice I got (I have lots of fibroids) was essentially that doctors may monitor them, but wont do surgery unless they are actually causing problems. As far as having kids, the same applies, it depends a lot on where they are located, how big they are etc, but again, they wouldnt intervene until its actually been shown they are causing issues. If you look up the NHS page on them, there are a whole lot of alternative options to surgery proposed, so maybe take a look and see if it gives you more options to consider.

    6. Workerbee*

      Ah, fibroids. They’ve been taking up space in my uterus without paying rent for years now.

      Initially I went wholly macrobiotic, hoping to rebalance my system and shrink them at the same time. I upped my exercise routine as well. Some shrinkage occurred! And definitely the rest of me did. —but overall my doctor said it was negligible. I was glad to have discovered some foods that were all new to me, at least.

      Then I opted for an ablation where they went in to cut off some of the blood supply the fibroids were siphoning. It was an easy thing on my part, but ultimately didn’t take care of the issue, because—

      —I was growing a cantaloupe along with a whole bunch of little ones. I kind of just existed with it all until I finally got fed up enough, of being ashamed of my profile because my uterus was being pushed up and out, of not being able to stretch out on my stomach (fibroids push back), of just having days where I was more aware of them than others. This whole time I hadn’t been experiencing pain, but my periods were heavier and heavier, so I was turning anemic. The final straw was when something told me that something wasn’t the same, and that’s when I went in for an ultrasound and discovered there were far more inside than I’d fathomed. That and I was now having two heavy periods a month.

      My doctor, who has long known that I didn’t want a hysterectomy, recommended a laparoscopic myomectomy via a doctor friend of his whom he himself had taught.

      I met him, liked him, signed myself up. He took out the two pound cantaloupe, which had calcified and was an ugly thing (I have pictures). He took out as many of the littler ones that he could get to without damaging my legitimate organs. Everything else, thank goodness, was healthy. I had five little incisions around my abdomen that he said would fade within the year (they have). I also had to Do Nothing for 4 weeks straight while I was healing. I’m not saying it didn’t feel like a brand of fire the first few days—amazing how your core connects to everything!—but one does get through things.

      My uterus likes growing fibroids so after a pleasant year or so, they’re back, but still manageable for now. Eventually I can either decide to do the myomectomy again or just keep waiting for menopause…which may be another decade away if one can go by genetics.

    7. Texan In Exile*

      A friend had the surgery because she wanted to get pregnant and couldn’t. After the surgery, she used IVF and it took on the first try.

    8. Generic Name*

      I think fibroids can interfere with a pregnancy, depending on their location and size. I’ve heard of several women struggling with fertility who got pregnant shortly after having their fibroids removed.

    9. Calliope*

      Hmm I think it might depend on the size and location. I had large fibroids grow while I was pregnant, which is apparently not uncommon. The baby was breach and I did have to have a c section (which was fine – everyone tells me it’s MUCH easier if you haven’t labored first and I didn’t have a hard recovery). Apparently fibroids often force a baby into a breach position. There is more of a risk of hemorrhage so they had donor blood ready.

      But when I asked if I had to have them removed before trying to get pregnant again I was told no, that it shouldn’t be an issue. So if you’re not having symptoms from them and you’re not being told it’ll interfere with the pregnancy, it might not make sense to do the surgery now? Mine were at the top of the uterus; I think if they’re lower down, that can cause more issues with pregnancy.

    10. Fellow Traveller*

      Yes, it definitely depends on size and location. I have a fibroid and still managed to deliver three children (1 c section, two VBAC). My OB/gyn recommended waiting until I was done having children before removing them as he wasn’t that concerned. They do tend to swell with pregnancy, so there was a little concern that it would interfere with delivery and the placenta, which is why the first baby was a c-section delivered early. Can you have your doctor articulate their concern as to why surgery is the recommended option?

    11. matcha123*

      I had surgery for fibroids when I was 30. They had been there for some time, but became very large over a year and a half, so I had keyhole surgery to remove the largest ones.
      I don’t want kids, so I really didn’t care if they took out anything, but the surgeon was very careful to assure me that my reproductive ability would be retained. I don’t know much about natural remedies, but if they are large, I think you should remove them.

    12. Skeeder Jones*

      Not me, but a close friend had fibroid surgery, it must have been pretty intense because she was off work for 12 weeks. She is 5 years post surgery and has 2 beautiful children that were conceived after the surgery.

    13. anon for med info*

      I had a hysteroscopic (or laparoscopic? or is that the same thing?) myomectomy to remove a fibroid at age 36, which my gynecologist — who actually leans toward the holistic/natural-remedies end of the spectrum for an MD — recommended because it had gotten to the point where I was basically having heavy period-like bleeding for about 3 weeks every month. I later had a successful pregnancy and vaginal delivery at 43-44. It did take me about 3 years to conceive, but I think that was mostly because I didn’t start trying until after I was 40! So it sounds like the timeframe between the procedure and the pregnancy was considerably longer than what you’re thinking about, but this was how it worked out for me.

      I have a scar in/under my navel that’s about half an inch long and a quarter inch wide at the wider end. I asked the midwife at a prenatal visit if my past myomectomy would be a problem for vaginal delivery, and she said not.

      The myomectomy itself went really smoothly. It was an outpatient procedure, even though I had a general anaesthetic. I was a little sore for a couple of days afterward, but I just took ibuprofen and didn’t use the higher-power (opioid? can’t remember) prescription they also gave me.

      I later had appendicitis when my baby was 6 months old, so, almost exactly 9 years after the myomectomy. (Laparoscopic appendectomy — more small scars on my stomach, heh.) On the CT scan for the appendix they thought they saw evidence of fibroids again… but as of now, 5 years after that, I’m not having problems with bleeding or anything, so my gynecologist isn’t recommending I worry about it at the moment. (My cycles have started getting irregular — much *more* time between periods — but you know, I’m almost 50 now! And it’s been a stressful year.)

    14. WS*

      My mother had one at age 28 while pregnant with her first baby (me) and it grew so much that she had to have surgery while seven months pregnant to remove it. I also grew several around the same age and had them removed hysteroscopically which was very minor.

    15. Dancing Otter*

      Have your children soon, and then take whatever steps your OB-gyne recommends.

      Don’t try to wait them out. Menopause does not always fix fibroids. I had them scraped out once (preserving fertility); I had uterine fibroid embolization to cut off their blood supply. They kept coming back. At 62, I finally convinced my insurance company that heavy bleeding 3 1/2 weeks out of every month was a problem for which they needed to approve surgery.

      Surprise! After years of “eat more spinach and broccoli,” I wasn’t anemic once the surgeon fixed the d*** leak.

    16. Observer*

      Nothing you do with diet is going to get rid of that fibroid. And firbroids often make it hard to get pregnant, and to carry a pregnancy to term.

      When I had the procedure it was in and out same day. Yes, I was of childbearing age.

    17. PineappleCandle2*

      Thank you all for your replies! It was helpful to hear your stories and know I’m not alone on this frustrating issue. Definitely feeling better about getting the surgery at some point soon…

    18. allathian*

      My MIL had it rough because she had both fibroids and endometriosis and needed surgery both times before she had her kids. In her 40s she opted for hysterectomy and most of her symptoms disappeared. They didn’t get rid of all the endometric tissue in her abdomen, though, so she still had some symptoms until menopause.

      Good luck!

  17. Cyber Stalking*

    Does anyone have experience with cyber stalking or being a victim of online harassment? A good friend of mine is experiencing a myriad of strange and upsetting issues with her phone, emails, bank accounts etc. I don’t want to go into too much detail, but it is BAD. She has very good reasons to suspect that a certain individual is behind this, but it seems impossible to pin them down (or just make them stop).

    1. Myrin*

      I don’t know if this is feasible/recommendable where you are but I know (like, this was a topic that was explicitly talked about when I was still in school, which has been A While) that where I live, this would absolutely be a thing to call the police’s non-emergency line about, especially since she has a concrete suspicion and bank accounts are involved. I also recently learned that even our relatively small police department has a sub-division dealing with cyber criminality and you can explicitly ask to talk to them, so maybe she could look into that?

    2. A.N. O'Nyme*

      Inform the bank immediately if she hasn’t already. The safeguards they put in place may be inconvenient for your friend, but it’s better than having her money suddenly vanish.

      File a complaint with the police. Create that paper trail.

      Speaking of creating paper trails, have her write down every instance of this happening. Considering there is stuff going on with her phone and e-mails, do this in a notebook. Get her a notebook that is either glued or stapled together, not the kind with rings, as the ring kind is easy to tamper with by pulling pages out. When she writes something in it, make sure it is dated. Also (this may be unnecessary, but good practice) if she doesn’t fill out the line she is writing on entirely have her draw a vertical line to the end – this easily shows no information has been removed. Write everything in pen, not pencil. This may sound like overkill, but you cannot be cautious enough with paper trails should this go into court.

      1. A.N. O'Nyme*

        *have her draw a horizontal line at the end. Somehow mixed up horizontal and vertical, woops. Basically the idea behind this is make sure the entire line is filled out so it’s clear nothing was removed.

        Speaking of which, if she makes an error (like a spelling error), make sure she crosses it of with a single line rather than scribbling over it or using whiteout, so that whatever was there initially is still visible. Again, it’s a thing to show you’re not trying to hide info.

    3. chi chan*

      Can she get the stalker for some crime. Hire a PI and a forensic accountant and get home security. If she can get some sort of crime on video or evidence the law might help. In Gift of Fear, however, the author recommends starving the stalker of attention. She should definitely check out the book and the resources on his website.

    4. Pocket Mouse*

      Yes to telling the police, creating a paper trail, and changing ALL the passwords.

      Obviously I can’t tell from here, and it’s unfortunate to say, but this situation reminds me of one of the stories in a This American Life episode called The Perils of Intimacy. The line that stuck out to me was the storyteller saying the police told her, “It’s the boyfriend. It’s always the boyfriend.” And in this story, the police were right. If your friend has a partner, the partner’s access to these accounts cannot be above scrutiny.

      I hope your friend finds resolution and safety.

    5. Chilipepper*

      There are some good websites and online toolkits for what to do about cyberstalking. You can google cyberstalking toolkit, things like that. I will reply with some links.

    6. Generic Name*

      She needs to freeze her credit so the stalker can’t open accounts in her name. I would call the police non emergency line and ask what you can do. If she thinks the stalker is a current/romantic partner, she can contact domestic violence services as well.

    8. Tabitha*

      All the things people suggest and also be careful about who it is. I was cyberstalked for months – anonymous emails, strange texts, someone using my Amazon account to buy porn, even someone saying they were a private detective knocking on neighbours’ doors and asking about me, when I went out and who I was with. I was certain I knew it was a particular woman who thought I’d been involved in her work contact not being renewed. I was given plausible evidence she knew enough to do this. Turned out it was my supportive male friend who’d framed this woman.

      1. Joan Rivers*

        Woah, that sounds like a book! Or at least an article! If you want to write it.

      2. Cyber Stalking*

        Wow, this is crazy! Do you mind sharing how it was resolved? My friend thinks the police don’t believe her and/or don’t want to act.

    9. Cyber Stalking*

      Thank you everyone for your suggestions. I’ll definitely look for more resources online.

      Does anyone know of any sources that tell you about how to set up new electronic devices so a stalker can’t access them? They seem to get into every new phone and computer my friend uses, even with new usernames, passwords etc.

      Also, how does one know whether a stalker would even be able to do a certain thing, e.g. intercepting emails sent to work. We keep wondering whether an incident is malicious or just weird bad luck.

      1. Generic Name*

        Does your friend live alone or does anyone physically have access to her electronics? I assume she has a wifi router. Has she ever changed her password on the router? Make sure it’s got the highest security level enabled. Tell her to avoid connecting to public WiFi networks as hackers can use those to gain access to your computer.

        1. c-*

          Yep, if it’s recurring across new devices, then either the stalker has physical access to the devices or they’re intercepting data from her wifi network. This is unlikelier, but she should also make sure there are no unknown devices plugged in to her router or home. Some are very small, like an usb mouse plug or a raspberry pi.

      3. WS*

        That sounds like they have access to her router. Change the password on that, then change the passwords on everything.

        1. Natalie*

          With the router, be sure to change the password to Wi-Fi networks and the admin password to the router itself.

        2. WoodswomanWrites*

          When my laptop was hacked, the tech support team I work with told me to actually replace the entire router rather than just changing the password. I suggest your friend get a new router entirely.

          1. Observer*

            If you replace the router make sure you get one that doesn’t have a hard coded password somewhere.

            Get one this is up to date, and make sure to set it up for the most security.

      4. Observer*

        Also, she should put 2 factor authentication (2FA) on EVERYTHING. But do NOT use Text bases 2fa. Get a token. Google actually has excellent 2FA, and you can get the key from them or from some other good vendors.

        1. Lizzie*

          Domestic violence services have had to get very cluey about technology being used for stalking and harassment, so they should be a good resource for information.

  18. Myrin*

    I have a potentially very dumb question about dishwashers that I’ve tried googling but can’t seem to word in a way that makes a search engine understand what I really mean, so here goes:

    Our dishwasher has five programmes and each of them has a full-length mode and a short mode.
    Now it always says that the short programmes “use more electricity and water” and I’m trying to understand what that means exactly – does it mean that if you have the same programme running for 3 hours versus 1.5 hours, the short one still uses more energy and water? Or does it mean that if I stopped the long programme after only 1.5 hours, it would’ve used up less energy and water comparatively to the one that was only running 1.5 hours to begin with?

    I’ve looked at the user manual, which actually lists the estimated kWh and litre amount, but only for the long programmes, which doesn’t really help me!

    1. My Brain Is Exploding*

      The more efficient cycles use less water and less energy, therefore they take longer.

      1. Reba*

        Yes, the short one blasts your dishes with more and hotter (or more quickly heated) water to get the same effect as the longer, more efficient cycle. The longer ones recirculate the smaller amount of water, and slosh it around a lot more so the dishes still get clean.

        If they have a heat-dry part of the cycle that could also be a factor.

        I also wish the manuals would tell me exactly what the machine is doing (looking at you, Miele laundry machines!

    2. fposte*

      Think of “clean” as a physical destination that’s a mile away. The short program is running to it, while the long program is walking. The long program is therefore using less energy to cover the same distance, even if it takes longer.

      2. Myrin*

        That’s an excellent, easy way of putting it – thank you, fposte, also from my mother who usually cannot wrap her head around stuff like this but found this analogy extremely enlightening.

        (Off-topic, but I think I’ve only seen you on the weekend threads recently – are you doing alright/much busier than usual?)

        1. fposte*

          You are correct. And yes, it’s a very busy year and I’m trying to make myself take more offscreen breaks during the day for a while.

  19. ButFaaaaaaaaamily*

    Difficult family question.

    I’m finally coming to terms with the fact that my extremely well educated sister has fallen into the cult of Trump. She won’t be getting the vaccine and sent me to a bizarre racist right wing conspiracy theory blog (sample headline: The Ghetto is on Fire. Another sample: Former Pfizer VP: Vax Passports May Lead to “totalitarian control” of “entire population forever”). This is my beloved sister who I was extremely close to growing up. People thought we were twins! I am both intensely grieving and intensely angry. Our mother is an immigrant. We are dual citizens. We have a black adopted brother. We have multiple family members and close friends working in healthcare (she’s been a volunteer EMT for years in the past). I just… don’t get it and I’m so tired of trying.

    Please, if anyone here is going through something similar or has any advice on how to grieve the loss of close family relationships, I’d love to hear your thoughts.

    1. Mx*

      I have family members like that who are racists, revisionist, or/and firmly believe in conspiracy theory. I know the feeling!
      When I was younger, I didn’t want to have anything to do with them. But I have learned to unconditionally accept people I love, despite of everything I dislike about their opinions/beliefs.
      Can you find a way to unconditionally accept her and love her (not her opinions) as she is ?

      1. Mx*

        Practicing mindfulness has helped me to do this. It has helped me cultivating non-attachement and compassion, so I can love my family members as they are, rather than having expectations of how they should think/behave.

        1. ButFaaaaaaaaamily*

          I try but it’s like she keeps finding new ways to disappoint. Hydroxychloroquine is a cure if Trump says so! But the vaccines administered to tens of millions after gold standard heavily peer reviewed clinical trials? Nope can’t trust it.

      2. Disco Janet*

        Not OP, but I can’t. Your beliefs are a part of you and I have some clear cut boundaries that I don’t keep people with harmful, reprehensible beliefs in my life. I don’t think there’s anything necessarily wrong with that approach – depends on the person. I see giving love to someone who holds belief that harm others to be complacent/enabling of that harm, to some extent.

        1. StripesAndPolkaDots*

          Disco Janet, same with me. I don’t see any point in keeping up a relationship with people who have fallen into a racist/anti-semetic/etc cult. I wouldn’t make new friends with someone like that and I won’t condone it in my life now. Q-anon and Trumpism are harmful to society. I can’t just pretend it’s the same as a difference in opinion on tv shows or where to eat dinner.

        2. ButFaaaaaaaaamily*

          OP here. We’ve cut out overt racists/sexists/homophobes, and put lots of distance even between the more subtle offenders. We’re moving away so in reality I won’t see her more than once or twice a year. I don’t want to end the relationship completely because I have a hope that with time she will come to her senses, but it definitely hurts to know that this isn’t someone I want to have a close relationship with my son.

      3. ButFaaaaaaaaamily*

        I tell myself that I’ll always love her, but right now I don’t particularly like her. And I definitely don’t respect her current beliefs or share her values. I’ve survived the last few years by focusing conversations on cooking, my son (her nephew), our parents, my dog, childhood memories, and favorite movies. It’s… a short list and feels exponentially shallower than the relationship we used to have. It’s a way to keep the door cracked in case she ever comes to her senses :(.

      4. Lobsterp0t*

        I did not find it helpful to unconditionally accept my parent’s homophobia, racism and misogyny. Or his pandemic denial where he pulls his mask down as soon as he gets past the door staff. I let him go. Which is an equally fine way to handle things. I find the “unconditional acceptance” thing a bitter pill to swallow. It feels like “but faaaaaamily” and it might work for some, but is deeply harmful to others. Letting him go was my acceptance of reality. So if that’s what you mean then I get you, but you seem to mean “overlook” or “swallow your true feelings and needs” which isn’t the same as accepting the situation.

        1. Mx*

          I love my family members, not their racism. The unconditional acceptance is the acceptance of the person, not the acceptance of their beliefs. I can love a person, and make it clear I reject their views. It’s rejecting the “sin”, not the “sinner”.

          1. allathian*

            I get what you’re saying, but in some cases it’s simply not possible to separate the two. Especially if they get all up in your face for clearly rejecting their views. If you reject their views without saying anything about it, you’re tacitly accepting them. This is not the same as agreeing to disagree on a particular issue and deciding to never discuss it for the sake of family harmony.

            Rejecting the sin and not the sinner is like some religious people who claim to accept LGBT people, but only as long as they remain in the closet and stay single, but reject them as soon as they come out and openly have a relationship with someone of their own gender.

            1. Mx*

              Ok, in my family it’s easier, as we have come to the conclusion we should agree to disagree and avoid certain topics.
              In your example, they are actually rejecting the “sinner” (To be clear, I don’t see LGBT people as sinners at all).
              Being religious/spiritual should help to love all people unconditionally, so that’s a contradiction.

              1. allathian*

                I’m glad you’ve been able to agree to disagree, it makes things easier all round. Although obviously it depends on the issues involved.

                One of my maternal aunts who’s in her mid-60s has gone a bit weird. She’s always been a bit eccentric, but then she started seeing naked men in the trees outside her house, and would call people up in the middle of the night totally distressed. Now I know enough that flat out telling a delusional person that they’re seeing things that aren’t there doesn’t help, but the nighttime calls got so bad that in the end my mom, who was the main “victim” of the calls, told her straight out to get some medical help, and when all else failed, called emergency services to check up on her. My aunt got so mad that she blocked all of us, because we refused to conform to her worldview. She’s been on multiple medications for as long as I’ve known her, and retired on disability in her early 40s. She’s also never married, because her fiance died in a car crash a few weeks before the wedding. My mom, who’s the oldest sibling in her family, has always kept her eye on this aunt, so for things to get to this point is very tough for her.

                Seeing things that don’t exist is a far cry from becoming a Q-Anon supporter or Covid denier, but estrangements happen for all kinds of reasons.

    2. Neef*

      I am with you and going thru the same thing. As the oldest sibling with twin sisters who have fallen into the tiktok/QAnon cult it is heartbreaking to watch them spiral deeper into disinformation as the days progress. TikTok is their primary news source and it angers me that they are not curious enough to dig deeper and investigate further. I have cycled through the multiple stages of grief many times over these past four years. It feels sort of like a mourning for what a person or relationship once was. Despite all this— we are still in contact and we still see each other on holidays. We have agreed not to talk politics when in person and so the family dinners have turned into mostly surface conversations (Netflix, working out) that is on their level. I am doing this to be a bigger person and make my parents happy but honestly I wouldn’t be spending a minute speaking to them if it wasn’t for my parents or our children who should know their cousins (we shouldn’t penalize the kids for their parents’ stupidity). I notice how my sisters have become braver and less forgiving over “group chat” than in person so I’ve stopped responding to their baiting there. If they want to debate politics let them go to their local party and try to effect the change they want to see locally. You know… actually do something besides sit on the couch and pass judgment. If they really care so much let them actually pick up a history book.

      1. pancakes*

        I don’t at all agree that it’s unfairly penalizing to keep kids away from people like this, or that kids “should” have a relationship with someone just because they’re related to them in some way. I don’t think it’s a great idea to frame your sister’s (or sisters’) tendency to be antagonizing in group chat as bravery, either. Disregarding previously agreed upon boundaries is rude and selfish. Think carefully about sending kids the message that this sort of thing simply has to be endured no matter how unpleasant or hostile it gets.

        1. Fran Fine*

          This. Keeping your kids away from toxic people is not penalizing anyone and is actually ensuring your kids don’t pick up that shit behavior.

        2. Neef*

          I agree, I meant “brave” sarcastically…more like bold, but not in a good way.

      2. ButFaaaaaaaaamily*

        We generally manage to not talk about it (because the few times it’s been a conversation I’ve been horrified by her beliefs). My parents are definitely a factor in me wanting to maintain at least a surface level relationship. I still love my sister even if I don’t want to spend much time with her, and it would break my parent’s hearts for us to be estranged. They can see we are no longer as close, but true no contact would be awful.

        1. pancakes*

          That’s good you can avoid talking about it, at least. It might be good to read Luke O’Neill on this subject – he has a substack newsletter which I think is mostly pay-walled, but has written about people losing family members to Fox News for other publications too.

    3. Generic Name*

      Geez. Ugh. My aunt, who has a PhD in biochemistry, is apparently an anti-vaxxer. It just boggles my mind. It’s hard to understand how someone so smart could be taken in by these conspiracy theories. No advice, just sympathy.

      1. ButFaaaaaaaaamily*

        Appreciate the sympathy! I don’t know why I keep trying to understand something that defies all logic and sense.

    4. Wishing You Well*

      I’m sorry you’re going through this.
      Ideally, a good therapist would walk you through this. That’s tougher these days but doable with Zoom, etc. If you’re in the U.S., consider calling 1-800-662-HELP (4357) for good advice.
      Mourning the loss of a living, close relative is hard. I’ve gone very low-, almost no-contact with a parent. Talking to them got me nowhere. Nothing was going to change. All I could do was preserve my peace of mind by withdrawing. Over time, the grief and loss become a low, dull ache.
      One caveat: Be very selective in whom you confide. People who don’t understand will offer bad advice, make you feel worse and/or want to “fix” it for you. They might take actions that undermine any progress you’ve made. When people ask about your family member, have a brief, vague, neutral response ready. Deflect and change the subject if people persist with questions. The aim is to spare yourself unnecessary hurt.
      Internet Hugs, if you want them.

      1. ButFaaaaaaaaamily*

        This is a really good reminder to call my company EAP for some short term grief counseling. I am putting up boundaries and they’re working. I just wish it didn’t hurt so bad. I miss the sister I used to have. My husband has abusive family so I suppose I’m “fortunate” to have more tools than most to handle this challenge.

    5. Sparkles McFadden*

      I think you need to mourn the old relationship you had with your sister. From there, you need set the ground rules for a new relationship. You cannot make your sister listen to reason so you need to know where your own boundaries are. How much nonsense can you listen to before your blood pressure goes through the roof? The issue with the Trump Cult is that most of them don’t take “no” for an answer. They don’t want to hear any differences of opinion. They won’t agree to disagree, or stay away from any subjects. They subscribe to the theory that the person who yells the loudest wins, and it’s their job to scream at as many people as possible.

      When your sister goes off the deep end, say (in a bored voice) “We’ve been through this before and I’ve got lots to do today. Talk to you again sometime.” It will be hard but it’s really the only way besides just cutting her off.

      I’ve cut off some people but I am trying to leave the door open a crack for others in case sanity returns.

      I wish you all the best.

      1. ButFaaaaaaaaamily*

        Oh this sounds so hard! I am grateful that’s she’s not belligerent about her beliefs at the moment. So when we don’t talk about anything of substance I do have moments of enjoying her company.

    6. Sleeping Late Every Day*

      I have a cousin and a brother-in-law who are in The Cult. I keep in contact with family via FB, and the first time each of them made a political comment on my page, I told them they’re free to say what they want on their page, or on groups or news sites they follow, but to keep it off mine – and I would never post my politics on their pages. The brother-in-law agreed and has never been a problem – the whole family still loves him and just roll their eyes a bit. My cousin has never been able to keep his mouth shut. I unfriended him on FB but we still kept in touch via email once in a blue moon. When my Mom (his aunt) died, I decided to reinstate him. Big mistake. So now I’ve not only unfriended him on-line, but pretty much in life. But a sister would be much harder.

      1. ButFaaaaaaaaamily*

        This sounds really hard and I appreciate you sharing your experience! So many loved ones lost while living :(.

    7. Chilipepper*

      For me it is my mom and I just don’t talk to her. If she calls, I happily talk. As soon as she starts any comment I say, oh, gotta go, and hang up. I have to save myself.

      I have learned that it can be really helpful to hear an internet stranger say, you have permission to back off in any way that works for you.

      I know you really want advice on how to save her. I am sorry I don’t have that. I have seen articles online from folks or interviewing folks who drank the cool aid and snapped out of it. I don’t even see a pattern of how to help people from those articles but they might help you?

      I wish you the best, it is very hard.

      1. ButFaaaaaaaaamily*

        This is my dearest hope! If she could snap out of it someday I’d be overcome with joy.

        1. WS*

          She might! But it’s important that you don’t argue with her or try to show her what’s right or shame her at all, because not only does that push her further into the cult, but if she does snap out of it, she’s going to feel very ashamed and find it hard to talk to you. The best thing to do is just not discuss those things. At all. Keep any minor children out of it because it’s much harder for a small child to enforce that boundary- this is something you do for them.

    8. Analyst Editor*

      I think you’re going to have to meet her halfway somewhere, and because it’s someone you love and esteem, and who would presumably have your back in a bad situation and support you in times of trouble, I think it’s fair to extend this person much more courtesy and benefit of the doubt than you would to a stranger. Perhaps you can engage and probe more, and see what she has to say, and then actually engage with the views.
      Sometimes, you engage and you find that it’s not possible; this happens if you try with flat-earth believers. Those kinds of people, like people who go deep into religion, you can’t change; something clicked for them and you have to live with it or swear them off, and just tiptoe around the issue as much as possible. But not everyone who is not progressive is a crazy gibbering Q-adhering racist.
      The “gateway” to this sort of thing might be simple discomfort with the radical and fast changes our country is undergoing; and certain levels of dishonesty and hostility towards opposing points of view whenever you try to bring it up. You can be an immigrant and still support some limits on immigration, and also have a business and be against certain regulations or taxes; and also be very uncomfortable with a lot of the PC stuff and cutlure war stuff.
      There are lots of good resources of middle-ground, and “non-PC left”, and the like who take on these issues without being insane and with adhering to values that might be more palatable to you, so you can venture down the rabbit hole of those kinds of sources and try to persuade her or find yourself persuaded.
      Good luck – as it’s tough to lose the understanding and connection with someone you were close to.

      1. pancakes*

        It’s pretty appalling—and extremely unconvincing!—to try to characterize racist fear-mongering of the type the OP described as expressing discomfort with “the PC stuff.”

      2. Chantel*

        > You can be an immigrant and still support some limits on immigration

        Not without being a hypocrite, you can’t.

        1. allathian*

          Well, strictly speaking anyone who isn’t 100 % Native is an immigrant in the US. The question is, where do you draw the line? How many generations back do you have to be a naturalized citizen before it’s not hypocritical to be critical of illegal immigration?

          I think it’s perfectly fine for someone who came into the country as a student or with a work visa, or even as an asylum seeker who’s a part of the immigration quota to want to impose limits on people just walking across the border. That’s not being a hypocrite, YMMV.

    9. Lobsterp0t*

      My brother and I had to severely limit contact with a parent. Same reasons. Although he was on this path for a long time – the pandemic, availability of time to go down a YouTube rabbit hole, and being isolated was the perfect storm to get us where we are now.

      I did a huge course of therapy about it this past year. That helped. So did researching ambiguous loss. I’ve been grieving and it’s ok to accept that’s what is happening.

      I’m so sorry for your loss of this relationship. I hope it can change in future.

    10. NaoNao*

      I think part of the solution here is to gently ask questions around why these beliefs and ideas are resonating with her. It sounds like fear—maybe exploring where and why that fear is coming from might help her step away from these sites and ideas. It’s very hard not to feel fear when certain media outlets are designed to stoke fears!

      Trying to get to the root cause of these fears and concerns might help her realize that just shouting about issues or spreading inflammatory articles around isn’t a solution, and maybe work with her to come up with plans and solutions in reality that can help her feel more in control, calm, and in charge.

      It’s hard to counter these emotional articles with facts or reminding people of their personal circumstances because they will argue that, for example, feeling fear about businesses being broken into or property being destroyed isn’t racist and I suspect they haven’t made that conscious connection! But talking to them about keeping their neighborhood safe with neighborhood watch, or using NextDoor or something might be more workable.

      1. pancakes*

        I don’t think people with this mindset should be encouraged to think of themselves as protectors of their neighborhood, or to get involved in any sort of watch group. The world does not need more George Zimmermans.

    11. NRG*

      I have distanced from my sister for a number of reasons. I will talk civilly to her on the phone if she calls me, until she starts spouting stuff, but that’s pretty much it. It was a relief to stop trying.

  20. Venus*

    How does your garden grow?

    All updates welcome, from weeds to mold to your favorite neighborhood tree.

      2. Seeking Second Childhood*

        A small argh… I did it again and have sunburned leaves on the big 3yo geranium. I put it in direct sun briefly… but I have the vax#2 sleepies and nodded off in the lawn chair. (I’ll probably be a bit sunburned myself.)
        The seedlings upstairs are under the eaves so not in similar danger.
        A small victory : All 3 of the late-planted daffodils came up and one is blooming.

    2. Bobina*

      I need to go out and double check, but I think I’m finally going to have my first flower from the bulbs I planted back in November! An anemone, and the ranunculus are definitely doing something (finally!) so I’m very excited for that.

      I also found myself looking up winter/early spring flowering plants for next year already because I realised that I really wanted flowers a lot earlier than I got them – and clearly my definition of when spring starts does not align with nature! (Or at least not this year when we’ve had quite a cold spring compared to the last few years)

      1. Joie De Vivre*

        Depending on where you are, Lenten Roses bloom late winter/early spring. Mine survived (thrived really) the extreme cold we had in my area earlier this year.

        1. Bobina*

          Ooh yes. I came across those under their other name (Hellebores) earlier this year and definitely saw some flowering in February when it was still pretty miserable here, so I think they’ll definitely be on the list!

    3. The Other Dawn*

      I’m very happy that the three peonies I planted last year came up and two of them have flower buds. Two were planted from a root and one was a plant I bought. The of the roots was very slow to emerge and I thought it had died, but it finally came up this week. I love the look of peonies in full bloom and I think they fit with the age of my house (1735), but the look pretty drab once the blooms fall off. My herbs are coming in, which were transplanted to the big flower garden last year. Rose bushes, too. Also, my hens and chicks multiplied. The poppies are almost ready to bloom. The garden has been overhauled twice in the six years we’ve been here and those things are still coming up. But that’s fine–they’re very pretty when they bloom.

      Now I need to do a little weeding in the big garden. I also need to remove and replace the dirt in two raised beds. We used the wrong dirt due to laziness and lack of knowledge and I paid for it last year with a ton of weeds and lack of veggie growth. I now know I should have used raised bed soil, which I used in the new bed last year and the jalapenos loved it.

      2. Hotdog not dog*

        I have Rose Campion interplanted with my peonies. They bloom right about when the peonies finish, and the stalks give support to the peony stems.

        1. The Other Dawn*

          Oh good idea! I have some Rose Campions planted around my shed and a couple in the garden. The garden has lots of empty space so maybe I can plant more of those around the peonies and fill it in a bit. The peonies, I think, are two pale pinks and one fuchsia, so Rose Campions will match nicely.

    4. Teapot Translator*

      I’m going to the garden center tomorrow! I want some railing planters and I need a planter for my phacelia tanacetifolia seeds. How do I figure out how deep the planter should be?

    5. Venus*

      We had snow this week. It didn’t last, but I haven’t done much outdoors.

      The tulips and narcissus are out, also the magnolia in the area. The small grass patch will need to be mowed soon. It finally feels like spring although I look forward to warmer weather so that I can fill the raised beds and put the tomato seedlings outside.

    6. Llellayena*

      Plant shopping happens today! I’m getting my overabundance of herbs (2 mint, 3 basil, rosemary, thyme, parsley), 2 lunchbox pepper plants and about 7 decorative plants for a large pot, color scheme TBD. Whee!!

    7. Ali G*

      I guess I was a little drunk when I shopped at Burpee back in Feb/March. Plants just keep showing up! Yesterday it was thyme. Lol.
      I was hoping to get some stuff permanently outside into their summer homes this weekend, but we have too many nights below 50 degrees, so I have to wait.

    8. Lilo*

      I’m trying to figure out tree netting. I’ve been warned brood X can hurt my smaller trees and something is already eating the little baby apples on my tree.

      The strawberries are coming in. It’s not feasible to net them so I have to hope the birds leave me some.

      (I previously lived in an apartment so all this stuff is new to me.)

    9. MissB*

      I still have all of my tomato and pepper seedlings in my basement under lights. I have a blink mini camera aimed at them, and the lights are all plugged into smart plugs.

      We are out of town – not quite for a week- so being able to turn on/off the lights is key. The camera is just to see that things are still alive. My sibling is watering them twice while we are gone. Hoping to start hardening them off next week.

      My plum tree has a ton of blossoms. Last year, it also had a ton and it resulted in a ton of plums. There were so many years while it was young where we got nothing and I would threaten to chop it down. It just needed to mature. I expect a ton of plums again this year.

      My honey crisp apple tree has yet to produce a bloom and I just need to keep the young plum tree in mind and be patient. I planted a columnar apple at the same time, and that produced its first apple last year (which I watched a squirrel run off with when ripe). Lots of blooms this year so hopefully it’ll produce more than one. Maybe the squirrel and I can share.

    10. Spearmint*

      I’m attempting to grow potted plants from seed on my balcony this year. I currently have cilantro and beets in one long box and then 4 types of native wildflowers, each in their own pot.

      The cilantro and beets have already sprouted (!), but the none of the wildflowers have so far, even though it has been 3 weeks. I have read that it can take 4+ weeks for some plants to germinate, so I’m going that’s what’s going on. I also put some wildflower seed in ziplocks with wet paper towels yesterday to see if I’ll have more luck with germination that way.

      I’m really hoping the balcony garden is successful this year. I tried last year (my first time gardening as an adult) but I selected plants that need full sun and my balcony only gets 2-3 hours of dappled direct sun per day, and so the plants never grew and then died after a few months. This year I deliberately chose species that do well in full-to-part shade, so I’m thinking they will do better.

      1. Spearmint*

        Oh, and if anyone has any tips about getting wildflower seeds to germinate I’d be very interested in them.

    11. Girasol*

      Last year’s woad is alarmingly big considering that the rest of the garden hasn’t even sprouted. It’s going to flower soon and I want the seeds. Not sure when to take the leaves to dye with so that I get the most blue out of them but don’t ruin my chance of getting seeds. Does anyone here dye with woad?

    12. I'm the one with the iguanas!*

      So I have basil growing and I have some cherry tomatoes. No idea why they ate the plants a bit early on but have not come back for the flowers or fruit. I have enjoyed my handful of tomatoes!

      1. Venus*

        The eating habits of most animals are confusing to me, but great news if they are avoiding the flowers and fruit. Maybe there is an abundance of another food this time of year?

    13. Hotdog not dog*

      The asparagus is coming up! Nothing tastes more like spring than a fresh crisp stalk of asparagus eaten within minutes of picking it!

      1. Venus*

        Me too! I forgot to mention my asparagus, which is looking impressive right now. Except that my dog is eating everything he can get near, so I’m cautious about having him anywhere near the plants.

    14. Sparkly Librarian*

      Apple blossoms! I have several dwarf apple trees in their first or second year, and while there aren’t a ton of leaves yet, we have a beautiful spray of blooms on almost all. (On the central one that is multigrafted, the limbs of Gravenstein and McIntosh are not yet budding, which is weird because I thought they flowered earlier.)

    15. Llama face!*

      My baby carrots are starting to grow true leaves! We are still a ways away from last frost date here (June 1- I’m in the frozen north, lol) but have had some *very* nice weather lately. They are direct sown in a large clear plastic tub and I’ve been popping the lid off a bit during the day to give them some acclimatizing time and avoid steaming them.

      My young avocado plant has grown three leaves now and seems to be happy in its pot. I’m waiting a bit before taking it and my tomato seedlings outside since they are more cold-sensitive.

      And I started a pot of cinnamon basil which is a new herb to me. It sprouted in only 2 days! Has anyone grown or used this herb? Apparently it originates from Mexico and can be made into a tea.

      1. MamaSarah*

        ❤️ this! It’s a source of pride when the direct seeded plants start to germinate and flourish.

  21. Richard Hershberger*

    I watched the WeWork documentary on Hulu. It was a superb hate watch: the most horrifying Ask A Manager letters all rolled together. It occurred to me while watching that fifty years ago Adam Neumann would have founded a sex cult in a camp off in the middle of nowhere. Nowadays he founds a business and gets rich off venture capital.

    1. Damn it, Hardison!*

      This is in my queue, so thanks for the summary! I read the book, and frankly was baffled that so many people were willing to work/fund it. It sound like a low wage cult!

      1. Texan In Exile*

        Some of my co-workers at my new job came from WeWorks. I can’t wait until I know them well enough to ask, “What the heck?”

        1. Richard Hershberger*

          Were they employees of WeWork, or did they merely work in a WeWork space. My understanding is that for the latter, it was mostly just office space with a particular esthetic.

          1. Texan In Exile*

            Actual employees! Including someone really high level (and high level at my company, so I will probably never be able to ask him about it but I sure want to).

            1. Fran Fine*

              Wow! That’s amazing. The documentary was fascinating, so I wouldn’t be able to stop myself from asking all about it if I were in your shoes, lol.

    2. The Prettiest Curse*

      The podcast WeCrashed is another good telling of that story. Sadly, there is always going to be a market for charismatic individuals who spout industrial-strength bullshit about changing the world, no matter which method they use to promote themselves.

    3. pancakes*

      I’m curious how much the documentary goes into (or doesn’t) Softbank’s role in the debacle. My sense from having read about it here and there is that their valuations made no sense whatsoever, and it seems very odd that Neumann appears to have helped facilitate a deal between SoftBank and BowX.

      1. Richard Hershberger*

        Some. It’s not the main focus, but there is a discussion of the pressures Softbank was under to show high results. The outcome was desperate efforts by both WeWork and Softbank to show short-term numbers, regardless of their long term effect. Come to think of it, in this regard at least, WeWork acted like a tech startup.

        1. pancakes*

          It really makes me wonder about other valuations they’ve done. What a mess.

    4. WellRed*

      I just watched this. Listening to him talk in interviews … my head spins. It’s like, throw in a bunch of jargon like exists and margins, wrap it in new ages bs and boom! Nobody knows why he’s saying but it must be important. Pisses me off how much $ he walked away with.

    5. Slinky*

      I haven’t watched the documentary yet, but read Billion Dollar Loser, which Alison recommended a while back. Rarely do I find myself rooting against the protagonist, especially when they’re a real person.

    6. LQ*

      It was fascinating. The guy who in the previews says something like “They are just f*ing desks” seemed like he had a lot more to say about businesses like this that I wanted to hear about.

      I was surprised that there wasn’t more sex in it because it had such a cult feel to it and they usually control that, but it didn’t seem like that was part of it. But it was so culty. I’ve gone on to watch a bunch more culty documentaries, but that cult meets work place is very fascinating.

    7. not that Leia*

      I interviewed with WeWork about 3 years ago (definitely bullet dodged). In that particular instance, it didn’t present as cult-y, but they did use a lot of the phrases that Allison’s identified as euphemisms for “we’ll work you to death”, so I passed. The appeal/sales pitch was a slightly higher than usual pay rate (I’m an architect) and more design control.

      1. Voluptuousfire*

        I worked at WeWork for a few months, even met the man himself. He’s a charming, attractive man but holy hell, he reeks of bullshit. My internal bullshit detector was going off.

        And yes, they’ll try to work you to death. Ultimately I was let go due to that (because I stood my boundaries). Also was so stressed out I had a horrible attitude and the worst cystic acne all over my face that finally cleared up in June and I was gone in March.

    8. Elizabeth West*

      I need to watch that. I thought the concept of shared workspaces was actually cool, but it just freaked me out that the company went so far off the deep end.

  22. Teapot Translator*

    Exercise thread!
    What have you been doing? Discovered any new resource?

    1. Teapot Translator*

      I saw a trainer who specializes in hypermobility. She’s going to give me a program that will help compensate for my hypermobility. There is hope.
      In the meantime, the only nice day this weekend is today so I’ll go for a bike ride, although it’s a bit cold.

    2. londonedit*

      I ran my highest-mileage month of the year in April, so I switched my weekend long run to today and am awarding myself two mornings of lie-ins for the rest of the weekend (Monday is the May Day bank holiday here). I’m very excited about it! A running friend pointed out to me the other week that I’ve really had no cutback weeks at all this year – I’m not training for anything and that means I’m just running week in week out. So I think I could definitely do with an extra day’s rest!

    3. Marion Ravenwood*

      I fell off the running wagon this week for personal reasons, but the past couple of days I’ve been doing some HIIT workouts (via the Joe Wicks/Body Coach YouTube channel). I’ve also signed up for a month’s trial of virtual classes with Frame – they’re a fitness studio with various sites across London, but have been offering online classes on demand during the pandemic, and currently have a half price offer for the first month. I tried their free ‘Cher-obics’ (yes, as in aerobics to Cher songs) class this morning and really enjoyed it, so decided to give it a go. They have lots of musicals/musical diva themed classes – I’m particularly excited about the Dolly Parton dance class – so looking forward to digging into those a little more.

    4. Loves libraries*

      I’m a trail walker and I love my new Salomon shoes. A tad big but I wear them with thick socks.

    5. Bobina*

      I’m back to my usual martial arts class (outdoors) which also means I have my first bruises of the year!

      I am also so unfit. I’m not cycling to work so my cardio is abysmal, and while I was pretty good about doing home workouts at various points last year, none of that flowed into 2021 – all of which is to say my body is not enjoying life right now. So over the next few weeks I need to ease back into some kind of stretching, and my improvised upper body home exercises (aka pushups on kitchen counters while things are cooking). Might need to do a few light cardio home workouts as well as some core soon (soundtracked by Little Mix).

    1. Teapot Translator*

      I’m making lamb meatballs this weekend. I love lamb but it’s so expensive. I need to think of two other recipes, preferably with meat. I didn’t eat enough meat this week and I was hungry all the darn time.

      1. Joan Rivers*

        I love lamb but notice that as lamb became more trendy in the last few decades it also became “less gamy.” So lamb doesn’t even taste like it used to to me. Frustrating. I used to buy a small chunk of a leg of lamb on payday and roast it w/garlic and rosemary but now a slice is pretty pricey. Meatballs sound great though.

        1. Clisby*

          In one of my Madhur Jaffrey cookbooks, she says a lot of recipes where she specifies lamb would ordinarily be made with goat in India. (I think at the time these books were written it was hard to find goat meat in the US, and probably still is in a lot of places.) But if you can get it, maybe try goat in whatever recipe you’re making? I’m in Charleston, SC, and have to kind of go out of my way to buy goat meat, but it is available here, and Charleston is not some big metropolis.

    2. Richard Hershberger*

      I have a current surplus of carrots. I am thinking about making carrot cake. This would make me popular with my family. I will have to pick up some cream cheese, that being key to the frosting.

      1. Clisby*

        Another possibility, if you like it, is carrot soup. Curried carrot soup is the one I’ve found that I like the best.

        2. allathian*

          My husband makes a fantastic carrot, potato and sweet potato soup with sweet chili sauce for seasoning.

    3. Ali G*

      I’m doing something with shrimp and asparagus tomorrow. Hubs and I are both in a big push at our Mon-Fri places so it’s not so exciting this weekend.

    4. Charlotte Lucas*

      I’ve been doing a lot of asparagus now that it’s spring, including using it in place of chilies in migas.

    5. Sleeping Late Every Day*

      Kind of a last wintery thing that’s also campfire food – main dish baked beans with ground beef and sausage in it, Carolina slaw, deviled eggs, and cornbread. I feel like a chuckwagon cook!

    6. HamlindigoBlue*

      I kind of got in a lazy funk and couldn’t be bothered with even trying to cook over the last couple of months, so I renewed my Blue Apron subscription to see if that would help. I get 2 dinner recipes per week. This week, I made chicken tikka masala and balsalmic burgers. Next week, it’s supposed to be lemon-caper tilapia and steaks with black bean-butter sauce (whatever that is). I do like the service, but it’s pretty spendy. I think it will be worth it to help me get interested in cooking again.

    7. Might be Spam*

      I just got a new brand of pickles and they are not at all crisp. Is there anything I can make with them or are they a lost cause? I use pickle juice when I make egg salad. Any other ideas?

      1. Brrrr*

        I have been to a couple of restaurants that serve dill pickle soup which is very popular. I think it’s an Eastern European specialty. I’ve always meant to make it, haven’t yet so I can’t recommend a specific recipe but a quick Google brings up several that sound yummy.

        I would also finely chop some of the pickle to add to potato salad, egg salad, or chickpea salad: roughly mash chickpeas and mix them with mayo, mustard, onion, pickles and serve on/with bread or crackers. Or add to any other chopped salad/sandwich fillings you like (tuna, salmon, chicken).

        Lately I’ve been doing a very easy pickled egg. When I empty the last dill pickle from the jar I hard-boil a couple of eggs (I use an Instant Pot for this), peel them and drop them in the pickle juice. A couple days in the fridge and you have delicious pickled eggs. Eat them as-is, or slice and serve on toast, or chop and add to salads, or use them to make unique deviled eggs.

    8. twocents*

      Made homemade tomato soup for dinner tonight! I can’t wait to have the leftovers with grilled cheese, but had dinner tonight with just a salad.

      I’m also hoping to find a corned beef brisket to make for dinner with potatoes and cabbage. I’ve found a recipe book that I’ve had fun working with, so I’m hoping this will be good! I found a cut at one supermarket, but it was an enormous size and ridiculous cost, so going to hopefully find a better option tomorrow.

    9. Potatoes gonna potate*

      We have chicken biryani that’s enough to feed 10 people with very heavy appetites. We were supposed to have 15 people come over last night but only 3 showed so lots left over even after sending the guests home with a healthy amt of leftovers.

  24. Foreign Octopus*

    (Sorry in advance for the grossness of this.)

    Chicken poop, is it dangerous for cats?

    I’ve recently got six chickens (Rhode Island ones for those that are interested) and my cat has been eating their droppings because she seems to forget that I actually feed her on the regular and I can’t keep an eye on her all the time to stop her. For the last two days, she’s been visiting the litter box frequently to poo and it’s very runny and smells like ammonia. I’m more than a little concerned about the effects this will have on her health but I’d like to hear if anyone has experience with this as my vet is not the most sympathetic of vets but is the only one close to me (the other is 50 minutes away).

    So if anyone has any experience or advice, I’d appreciate it.

    Thanks!

    1. Ali G*

      I think it might depend on what you are feeding the chickens. Is it grain based? If so, that’s prob why she has runny poo because cats don’t do well on a lot of grain.

    2. MissB*

      Yeah I’d try to keep her from eating their poo. My cat doesn’t bother with it, but my puppy has more than his share. I agree that it’s the grain though.

    3. Foreign Octopus*

      Thanks, Ali G and MissB. I am feeding the chickens grain so it’s good to know there’s a source too it. I’m just going to have to be more proactive with cleaning up after the chickens right now.

    4. Not trying to be rude, just good at it*

      If we had a cat it would not be able to get close. One goes and the other chickens fight over who is going to eat it. Multiple times a day you see feathers flying. I laugh and my wife turns a funny shade of green.

    5. Caterpie*

      In undergrad biology we did a project on “found feces”, and 100% of the students who brought in chicken feces from their backyard coops had extreme levels of salmonella (lizards from the pet store were also pretty universal culprits).

      I’m not sure if those strains are infective to cats, but it might be something to consider.

  25. I WORKED on a Hellmoith read this*

    I saw you posted last week, haven’t seen you around for a long time. Are you still sewing? What are you making? Anyone else? I haven’t made garments for a long time, but love hearing about what others are doing! My sewing project right now is a t-shirt quilt for a nibling. Not that fun but it’s a labor of love.

    1. AGD*

      Getting to the bottom of the alterations pile, at last! A few baby projects ahead, and after that I want to do some serious dressmaking.

    3. Texan In Exile*

      A woman in my BuyNothing group asked if someone would repair her blanket. (That her mom had used when she was sick in the hospital and that the mom stole for the woman because the woman liked it. Now it’s 20 years later and the mom is dead and the blanket has some holes and a long tear.)

      I said I would and hauled out my sewing machine. I have not used it in so long and thought I had forgotten everything, but muscle memory is amazing. I needed bobbin thread to match the top thread and even as I thought to myself, “I don’t remember how to wind a bobbin,” my hands were doing the motions.

    4. The teapots are on fire*

      I finished a jacket I’ve been working on for a LONG TIME, with cut-on sleeves and a gusset, and matched the plaid on the bound buttonholes. In between the beginning and the exciting ending was a long parade of multiple screwups, but the plaid is matched EVERYWHERE on this thing so it’s a win. It’s in timeout right now because I can’t even look at it anymore, but I’ll love it later.

      1. My Brain Is Exploding*

        Oh, the plaid matching! You are my hero. I have had many projects which have gone to timeout once they were finished, or I have sent off to be quilted and liked it a lot better once I got it back.

        1. The teapots are on fire*

          Glad I’m not alone!
          Basting is a key to plaid matching, but boucle WIGGLES.

    6. Enough*

      Made a t-shirt quilt for my daughter to give to her brother. (her t-shirts that were from his college) Was interesting. I had never quilted before. Didn’t really do anything the way any directions I found said to do. And a part on my machine broke near the end that slowed things down. But turned out exactly how I wanted it and everyone loved it. But do not recommend that you start quilting this way. But I will be making one for my daughter from her t-shirts from her college/high school/soccer teams.

    7. Marion Ravenwood*

      I have been on such a huge sewing kick since moving into my own flat and finally getting my machine back out of storage. Currently trying to work my way through the scraps pile with making masks/toiletry bags etc (though the fact that I keep buying more fabric to make garments is kind of counteracting this!). However I’m shortly about to start work on a short sleeved shift top – I’ve made a few skirts but this will be my first time making a top, including bust darts and a facing, so I’m a little nervous but also excited to learn new skills.

      1. The teapots are on fire*

        You’ll do great! Taper very gradually to the tip of the dart and press it over a ham or rolled up towel when you’re done. Look up favoring and understitching if you want your facing to be extra fabulous. It’ll be great even if you don’t.

        1. Marion Ravenwood*

          Thank you! I’ve done darts before in one of my skirts but they weren’t the best, and I’m aware that for various reasons fitting a top is going to be a bit more of a challenge for me so I’m definitely taking all this on board. And I’m reading up on favouring and understitching for the facing as we speak!

  26. Grim*

    Recommendations for a recliner chair for a 6″2″ 240 lbs man? Not looking for a massive, over stuffed chair as the space for the chair is small. Neck support is a must.

    Budget is $2000-$2500 US.

    Thanks.

    1. Another Teacher*

      I bought a recliner for my father who is a similar size, and he loved the Flexsteel one we got him. He’s had it ~5 years now, and it still looks (and feels) brand new. The one we got is more of the “overstuffed” style, but they had lots of options. It’s one of the more-recommended brands for larger people.

      1. StrikingFalcon*

        I have a Flexsteel recliner too and I love it. It’s the most comfortable chair I have ever encountered and it has survived many years and multiple moves without any noticeable effects. They are very good quality. It cost $900.

    2. SoloKid*

      I don’t have any specific brand recommendations but you can use “slim line” and “wall hugging” terms to narrow your results.
      “Wall hugging” means you can put it against a wall and it reclines forward along a track (instead of backwards against the wall), if that’s what you mean by space is small.

    3. SpellingBee*

      Look at Stressless recliners – incredibly comfortable and well-built. We have one that we bought over 35 years ago and it’s still in excellent shape (it’s leather). Back then there was just one size but now all the models come in 3 sizes, so you can pick the one that best suits your space and your personal size. Mr. Bee is 6’ and around 220, and the medium size is basically what we have; it works fine for him. One caveat is that not all the models have an integrated footrest, they have a separate ottoman instead – the integrated footrest is electric and those are more expensive. Highly recommended.

    4. M*

      Lazy boy has so many recliners for different sizes of people. Best thing to do is to test them at the showroom.

      1. Grim*

        Already did, and was disappointed with their quality.

        They’re not your father’s lazy boy anymore.

        1. Natalie*

          Yep, we bought one a couple of years ago and that was our experience. The metal is very poor quality and can’t stand up to the stress of actually reclining regularly. Half of ours stopped working within 18 months or so, outside of the warranty period and not repairable since the frame itself had come apart.

    5. Natalie*

      Room & Board sells recliners and it looks like they have at least a few in your price range. Their furniture is all sourced from small scale US manufacturers and good quality. I have a secondhand Room & Board recliner that has to be at least 10 years old. Other than wear to the upholstery from the prior owner’s kids and now our dogs and kid, it’s like it’s brand new.

    6. Blossom Fowler*

      I bought one for my father, similar height and weight, at Relax The Back and it’s great.

  27. anesti*

    How do you not get jealous of other people’s life progress?

    My husband and I have been separated for a couple years at this point but we keep trying anyway. It’s like he’s my boyfriend. I am paying for his life and rent at an apartment I originally rented for the both of us, while I live at my parents. He says I will be moving in soonish, he just had to get it ready. He has contamination OCD so it’s this whole terrifying thing for him. I have posted about him here before.

    My cousin and her husband had a baby and I’m jealous that they were ready and are happy.
    My other cousin and her husband are going through treatments to get pregnant. (She hasn’t told me, her mom told mine.) I’m going to meet up with her in a bit because she is in town and part of me is dreading it because she might tell me she is pregnant and I have to act thrilled instead of bitter and jealous that her life is growing/moving forward and I’m stuck. I am not dying for a baby, just forward movement.
    Although I am getting older. I’m also very nervous she will ask about my marriage, and I hate talking about it because I feel ashamed.

    1. anesti*

      edit to add, i am doing well professionally. I would be in worse shape emotionally if that wasn’t the case.

    2. Tofu Pie*

      I’m sorry, it sounds like a crappy situation. I would totally feel jealous and resentful and sad in your shoes. It’s such a natural human response that I don’t really have much advice on how to stop feeling this way. Except to add that it’s totally fine to protect your emotional health and stay away from certain situations for your own peace of mind. I know realistically you can’t ban all pregnancy/happy marriage news in your life; but you also don’t have to put yourself in situations you dread when you anticipate the interaction is going to cause you sadness.

      You say you’ve been separated for awhile but a bad relationship can mess with you in big ways, and for a long time too. So what I’m saying is, be kind to yourself.

      1. Reba*

        I totally agree with this!

        I also think, not that anybody ought to cultivate jealousy, but sometimes it can be information about yourself, your wants and ways you are dissatisfied. Don’t compare yourself to others, but instead look at the jealousy as like, a phenomenon and ask if it’s telling you anything useful, if not, try to set it aside.

        1. Fran Fine*

          This. I recently found out that someone I was very attracted to and wanted to date a couple years ago is getting married this summer, and I burst into tears! It was so alarming to me how emotional I got because I haven’t spoken to him in almost eight months, and I thought I was over him (he did something awful to a woman he was dating a couple years back, told me about it, and that pretty much killed any desire I had to be with him romantically), but I was depressed for days anyway.

          Well, I sat with my thoughts (and spoke to my therapist), and I realized that I wasn’t upset about him per se – I was sad because I’m lonely with no romantic prospects in sight for the foreseeable future (thanks, COVID), and it seems like everyone else has such an easier time falling in love and getting partnered up than I do. Like, when the hell is it going to be my turn?! I’m almost 34 FFS!! Lol

          OP, I’m going to tell you what my therapist always told me – you’re allowed to feel whatever it is you feel. Let the feelings be and don’t judge them. Acknowledge they exist, and like Reba said, really analyze where they’re really coming from. Your feelings could be telling you that your marital situation just isn’t sustainable for you long-term and you want something else for yourself. Or they could be telling you something else needs to change. But don’t beat yourself about how you feel – it’s normal.

          1. traffic_spiral*

            Yup. Most of our negative emotions actually do serve a basic survival/protective purpose on some level. Anger? Makes you defend yourself from attacks, and can override fear. Fear of heights/the dark? Keeps you from getting hurt. Jealously? Your brain is looking at the situation around you, comparing it to your situation, and telling you that something ain’t right.

            Now, can all these emotions cause problems if you let them get out of control? Of course! However, right now, it’s just your brain going “given the circumstances around you, your circumstances are unreasonably bad – so we’re gonna make you feel bad until you change your circumstances.”

            Given your current circumstances, I think your brain is trying to help you, and you should listen.

    3. Chilipepper*

      Another internet stranger here reaching out to also say be kind to yourself!
      It is so hard to not compare yourself to others! Or to feel sad when around people having babies or just moving forward when you want to too. I have felt that way too (fertility issues)!

      It probably does not help to tell you not to feel ashamed but that last part caught me by surprise. Instead of running away you are supporting your spouse and are doing well professionally. I was really impressed!

      Would it help to talk to a professional about all of this?

    4. Anona*

      For the asking about your relationship thing, I’d just say something bland like oh he’s fine. If she presses, and mentions that you’re living apart, I’d say you’re working on it, and then change the subject.

      My husband had an affair and we’re currently working on our relationship. Very few people know, so my responses are always really bland when people ask how he is, because I don’t want to talk about it.

      I’m sorry that you’re going through that

    5. Not So NewReader*

      I think I remember your posts because this tugged at my heartstrings.

      A couple of years is along time to wait for someone. Meanwhile, your whole life is on hold while you wait.
      Yep, you are stuck.

      I think jealousy happens for many reasons, one of which might be to motivate us to move forward in some manner. I do understand why you say you feel ashamed and probably there’s other emotions running there also? Not everyone’s life progresses at the same rate. If you both were 50 years older and her husband was in a nursing home I don’t think you’d look down at her for that. Stuff happens and sometimes really difficult stuff happens. She probably does not think anything less of you for your choices and events that have happened in your life. I’d suggest that you try just limiting your thoughts to what you think and try not to bring in other people’s judgements/opinions/etc.

      I do have one really tough question and I think it’s a core question. Do you think you are going somewhere with this guy? How long do you think you will end up waiting for him? Don’t answer here. But you may need to set some sort of boundary as to how much you are willing to do to help remedy your marriage. I hope you are working with a therapist to help give you an idea of what you can expect and in what kind of time frame.

      I think you are a very patient and very kind person. I wish you the best outcome here.

    6. Falling Diphthong*

      As an internet stranger who hasn’t heard the first few rounds of this:
      How about a break of a month or two from your ex? Have him handle the apartment stuff, don’t call each other. Turn around and look at what your life might be without being in this holding pattern. It might offer some new perspective.

      1. traffic_spiral*

        Yeah, I’d say that the problem isn’t that your cousin and her husband had a baby. The problem is that you’re paying for your husband’s rent while you live at your parents. Seeing your cousin just gives you a wake up call about how very not-ok your situation is – and if it wasn’t her, it’d be something else.

        You don’t need to work on your jealousy, you need to work on cutting off your hubby and looking after yourself.

        1. Dancing Otter*

          That was my first thought, too. Anesti, WHY are you paying for a place you aren’t allowed to live? Why are you paying for his life? Even if a divorce court ruled you had to pay interim spousal support, it wouldn’t strip you of everything like this, and it wouldn’t be open-ended like this.
          He’s not going to let you move in and mess up his cushy setup as long as you keep supporting him without any reciprocity.

    7. WellRed*

      I remember your previous post which I think was more than a year ago? It sounds, from here, like there has been no progress on the marriage and living situation. Without change you will never make progress. Make a change. Any change.

      1. un-pleased*

        This. Your jealousy may be telling you something really important about how you really, really feel about this situation. You can choose not to be stuck, one step at a time.

    8. Generic Name*

      What if what you’re feeling wasn’t jealousy but grief over the life you thought you had/were going to have but don’t? You say your husband is like a boyfriend and “we” keep trying, but I’m wondering what your husband is doing? Is he planning dates? What about therapy for himself? Does he have a job/is he looking for work? What are you getting out of the relationship? I mean, he’s getting your money, apartment, a date partner, but what is he giving in return?

    9. Mstr*

      Perhaps you can’t move forward in your current relationship because of reasons outside of your control. You could move forward without it , though, couldn’t you? So maybe you really don’t have the choice to stay & progress but you could leave & progress. Stop paying for his place & instead pay for your own place or find someone who you could live together with, for example. Are you coming to that realization? Maybe this frustration/restlessness is preparing you to take a next step.

    10. Fran Fine*

      This. I recently found out that someone I was very attracted to and wanted to date a couple years ago is getting married this summer, and I burst into tears! It was so alarming to me how emotional I got because I haven’t spoken to him in almost eight months, and I thought I was over him (he did something awful to a woman he was dating a couple years back, told me about it, and that pretty much killed any desire I had to be with him romantically), but I was depressed for days anyway.

      Well, I sat with my thoughts (and spoke to my therapist), and I realized that I wasn’t upset about him per se – I was sad because I’m lonely with no romantic prospects in sight for the foreseeable future (thanks, COVID), and it seems like everyone else has such an easier time falling in love and getting partnered up than I do. Like, when the hell is it going to be my turn?! I’m almost 34 FFS!! Lol

      OP, I’m going to tell you what my therapist always told me – you’re allowed to feel whatever it is you feel. Let the feelings be and don’t judge them. Acknowledge they exist, and like Reba said, really analyze where they’re really coming from. Your feelings could be telling you that your marital situation just isn’t sustainable for you long-term and you want something else for yourself. Or they could be telling you something else needs to change. But don’t beat yourself about how you feel – it’s normal.

    11. EngineerGal*

      This situation with your husband sounds so very very hard. Taking a break and stepping back seems like a good idea.

      From an internet stranger who’s been through something similar-just because you love someone, doesn’t mean that they are good for you. You are allowed to give up and move on.
      Internet hugs if you want them.

    12. Natalie*

      I’m stuck.

      I mean, it seems like you’ve identified your problem and the source of your jealousy right here. So what can *you* do to become unstuck? What things, that are within your control, not dependent on your (ex)spouse to act first, would make your life better?

  28. Tofu Pie*

    Based on your own experience, what are your red flags when it comes to human interactions? Not talking about obvious negative traits that make you want to avoid someone, like aggression, blatant rudeness, etc. But subtle hints of dubious character you’ve come to pick up instinctively through bad past experiences or quiet observation.

    Mine is when people casually drop they are being honest: “….and that is the honest truth”, “I don’t tell lies.” Why emphasize your honesty unless you’re trying to cover something up?

    Another is when people don’t express basic gratitude or are egregiously bad at give and take. I used to make excuses for people like this but realized when a person fails to acknowledge when they have been a recipient of kindness or generosity,, it’s usually a sign that they take you for granted and don’t care about the efforts you’ve made.

    1. llamaswithouthats*

      Oooh good one. This is probably an obvious one, but if they are female and like to throw other girls under the bus. “Girls start so much drama/I’m not like other girls”. They always turn out to be the ones who start shit.

      Also, in similar vein to your comment, people who describe themselves as “nice” or any other positive attribute: “smart, responsible, etc”. They almost always turn out to be problematic. I once had a coworker who when she joined, would always brag about how competent she was. She ended up being fired for being highly incompetent after everyone got sick of working with her.

      1. llamaswithouthats*

        I also want to add, people who never own up to or apologize for their mistakes/when they’ve hurt someone. Similarly, when they lack self awareness.

      2. Caterpie*

        Agree about the people who “aren’t like the other girls”. I’ve had similar issues in the past with women who make it part of their identity to be the one girl in an otherwise all male group, and are hostile to any other woman associated with the guy friends.

        1. Not a cat*

          Yuck, I don’t like this persona either. I work in tech and at work, I am often the only woman at lunch or whatever. I also don’t like when work-friends complain about their female wives or partners to me (in a weird, almost flirty manner). I’ve told more than complainer work guy that, “I am contractually obligated not to take your side.”

        2. voluptuousfire*

          Same. The girls (it was all in my late teens/early 20s, it it was girls, not women) I knew like this were also fairweather friends. One of them I hung out with and had too much to drink and woke up in the ER and she wasn’t there by my parents were. She decided to ditch me because “she didn’t want to babysit.” I would hear stories about how other girls were bitches, guys were honest, etc. She also had bad relationships with her mom and sisters, which I think fed her mindset.

    2. Queer Earthling*

      Anyone who needs to be the smartest person in the room or who clearly get their self-esteem by making you feel dumb. Phrases like “lol you didn’t know that?”

      Cissexism, which is sometimes overt but sometimes subtle. Mistakes happen, of course, but often it’s literally because people don’t care to be inclusive, and that’s not a great look.

      1. llamaswithouthats*

        Omg the first paragraph is one the reasons why I found one of my ex friends such a pill to be around. I couldn’t put my finger at first on why she irritated me so much, but I realized that was a big reason (but not the only one).

      3. Might be Spam*

        I had a friend who kept testing my vocabulary. She kept talking about the exclusive east coast college she went to and trashing the local community college that I attended and where she teaches now.
        She also claimed to speak Russian. She couldn’t understand me when I said “Hello, how are you?” in Russian.

    3. Reba*

      re: excessively touting honesty, I don’t take that as someone is lying as but as “oh, they are about to be an asshole/really rude.”

      1. Qwerty*

        There’s a quote out there about how people who say they are brutally honest care more about the brutality than the honesty, and that really put those super-honest people into perspective for me. Just because it’s true doesn’t mean it needs to be said, and truth can be said kindly.

        1. allathian*

          This so much. I had an acquaintance once who made a point of always being brutally honest. She liked to dish it out but couldn’t really handle criticism at all. She flew right off the handle when I told her that I’d honestly had enough of her brutality.

        2. Reba*

          I’m not sure when or where, but I was definitely taught to ask myself if what I wanted to say was kind, true, and *necessary* or helpful.

    4. Texan In Exile*

      Someone who never asks me a single question about me. (Looking at you, Sly and Doris and former Bad Boss.) I am super nosy but try to dial it back, but even so, I am very interested in other people and will try to figure out appropriate questions to ask when I meet them. “Are you from around here? No? From Alaska? Wow that’s interesting! What brought you here? What was your biggest shock moving here? What’s your favorite place to eat? Are you excited about State Fair? What’s your favorite exhibit?” sort of thing.

      Too much charm. I learned with not one but two (yes it took me two) men that a lot of charm can hide a lot of jerkiness. Give me the nerd with the rough edges, please. I am so much happier with my not so charming engineer than I was with the ultra-smooth grad school jerk.

      Someone who doesn’t follow the basics of hospitality. If I walk into your house (where I will be staying for a few days!) after a two hour plane ride and an hour drive from the airport, I should not have to ask for water. (Again looking at you Sly and Doris.) Anyone who crosses my threshold – even if they are here only to pick up yard signs or petitions – is offered food and beverage.

      Gossiping about other people. Not sharing interesting news, but malicious gossip and sharing other peoples’ secrets. If you do it with me, you’ll do it to me. (Back to Sly and Doris.)

      1. RussianInTexas*

        The first one might be me – I feel like personal questions are prying. So I don’t ask them, unless the person is close to me. I would be weirded out if a coworker started asking me.
        I think I am opposite of you! If people want me to know things, they will tell me, and sometimes they will tell me more than I want to know – for example I don’t really care if a coworker having a culture shock, for example. What would I do with such information?
        Heck, I have don’t ask/ don’t tell policy with most of my friends and family! If I have a news I think you should know, I will tell you. If you don’t tell me something, I won’t ask, because I presume I don’t need to know.

        1. MinotJ*

          Yeah. I would probably set off all your red flags, Texan. I also find personal questions to be prying and after a few oversteps in my past, I just allow people to open up to me at their preferred speed. And because of my parents’ friend circle, I had no idea that I was supposed to act a certain way to people who entered my house. I learned from my environment that any friends who came into the house knew where the water glasses and comfy chairs were located.

          I’ve probably come across as rude to many people!

        2. Texan In Exile*

          That’s the struggle! How to show interest in someone – engage in small talk – without being invasive. I really want to know the personal stuff (I am nosy) but try not to ask. At work, I am super careful because I don’t want to pry, but if the other person opens the door, I will happily go through it.

          And yes the rules are completely different for co-workers from someone outside of work. Or, in my case, a then boyfriend, now husband’s parents. :)

        3. Filosofickle*

          I’m in a weird space between the two of you. I am a talker and not at all private, but I was raised with a sibling that is very private. Got my head bitten off a lot for pushing too hard, so I learned to not pry. What that looks like conversation is I share a lot about myself, but don’t ask a lot of questions, not because I don’t want to know — I do! I’m super curious! — but because I assume if you don’t offer up your stories in exchange for mine, that means you don’t want me to know. But of course lots of people then perceive me as self-centered and uninterested. Over time I’ve found a better balance of expressing interest without prying but it’s not easy.

          1. The New Wanderer*

            I relate to this, definitely! I don’t mind being asked personal questions, but I have a real hang-up about asking anyone else anything personal. Not because I don’t want to know but because I (sometimes wrongly) assume people will volunteer information about themselves if they’re comfortable doing so, as part of the flow of conversation. And if they don’t do so, I don’t want to pry.

            I’ve been chided by friends in the past for not asking or not reciprocating on personal topics when I didn’t realize that I should be doing so as an expression of interest. I am interested, frankly I’d rather the other people do more of the talking so I’d learn about them, I just suck at knowing what is okay to ask and what is considered prying. And I’m also bad at knowing when/how much is okay to share my related experience as a bonding thing and when is it too much making the conversation about ME.

      2. Tofu pie*

        “Too much charm” – that’s a good one. I’ve learned to deliberately notice when I walk away from any initial meeting thinking, “Wow, that person’s great. I REALLY enjoyed meeting them!” There’s friendly and there’s charisma. A charismatic person deliberately manipulates positive emotions, usually to hide a negative trait. I used to handle recruitment at work and noticed whenever I hired someone who presented themselves as charismatic, that hiring decision turned out to be an abysmal failure every single time. They don’t just leave; they leave after creating a tornado and havoc and leave the place in a much worse state than they entered.

        Similarly, I’ve learned to pick up when I feel like I need to impress someone. It’s a subtle feeling of not wanting to get on their bad side usually because they are critical or weirdly judgmental in some way.

        1. llamaswithouthats*

          I totally noticed this in myself too! I find myself trying to act extra pleasant around people I know to be unpleasant because I don’t want to give them an excuse to start up a shitstorm. (But I don’t befriend them either so there’s that.)

    5. Generic Name*

      Ooh, this is a good question. I’ve been reconnecting with my emotions and “gut feelings” and I’ve learned to pay attention when after interacting with a person I feel weird or bad or off in any way. This happened to me recently with a neighbor. She is perfectly nice and friendly to me, but the last time I saw her, I had a weird internal sensation immediately after, and I decided I would honor that feeling and be careful around her.

    6. Water Everywhere*

      Someone who dominates every conversation, even if it’s a perfectly innocuous subject, will likely have no time to listen to your concerns. I also second Texan In Exile on the ‘too much charm’ flag: someone who is too smooth makes ALL of my walls go up. Same with a person who kisses up and punches down.

      Great question!

    7. Dan*

      People who won’t take know for any answer, and/or have an answer for *everything*. These people get insufferable after awhile. These people are often pushy, but still…

      And Texan in Exile hints at this too, but I’ll rephrase a little and say “people who always have to be the center of attention.” These types of people are often abusive jerks or may be afflicted with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I married one once, and well, lets just say “never again.”

      1. Joan Rivers*

        People who deny your gut feelings. You ask them directly about something and they evade or deny. We don’t always know WHAT’s wrong but we pick up on something.

      2. Chantel*

        I work with someone who craves attention non-stop and it’s disturbing to watch her in action. We could never be friends, ever.

    8. Headaches*

      Just a vague bad feeling about someone. Gut instincts are actually pretty reliable.

      Patterns in relationships. If every ex is crazy, or every friend abandoned them, or every coworker is a useless idiot, you’ll be the next crazy person or bad friend or dumb colleague. Sometimes there are exceptions to this, so it really is just a red flag and not a cue to drop everything and run.

      1. llamaswithouthats*

        Yep. I understand that sometimes people are made to be pariahs in a specific social context where everyone rejects them (like a toxic friend circle or workplace), but if it is every single corner of their life they are getting rejected from, that’s the signal to avoid them at all costs.

    9. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I run far, far away from people who tell me their tales of woe during our first conversation in a casual setting. I’m very social and I enjoy meeting people, but I set a hard line at talking further to people who expect my sympathy for their sob story immediately. It’s hard to articulate, but if in the first five minutes of speaking to you I know all about your life trauma and your various ailments, without context, I peace out. I have met too many emotional vampires who started out that way so… no.

      1. Generic Name*

        Ha, my husband and I were just talking about people who seem to get a lot of enjoyment (?) out of complaining about everything. I don’t think everyone needs to be Pollyanna all the time, but if I just met you, it feels kinda icky to hear you complain about your spouse or your personal medical issues or whatever.

        1. AvonLady Barksdale*

          Exactly. I care deeply about my friends’ problems, I love a good bitch session, but let’s first get past “So how do you know John?” before I hear all about how terrible your life is.

      2. Texan In Exile*

        Yeah, you don’t get to share your emotional trauma with me until we have a bank of good times. I am not your therapist.

      3. Tofu pie*

        Ooof yes. I got burned with this too. Over sharing is a massive indicator of lacking boundaries. This will spill into other interactions and has ended with them not respecting mine / treating me as their on-call crisis therapist.

        1. Pennyworth*

          My SIL overshares about other peoples problems. She has a compulsion to know everything about everyone, them she spreads the information around, especially if it is someone she barely knows. I have been told really personal stuff about someone she might have only met once. I find it unpleasant, so I try to avoid those sorts of conversations, and I am very wary about what I say to her. If she wasn’t family I would run a mile.

      4. Potatoes gonna potate*

        Hmmm, is it any different if the person is making self deprecating jokes?

        This kind of reminds me of a meme I’m seeing floating around. I forget the exact wording but the premise behind it is that once the world opens up and socializing becomes a thing again (I saw this a while ago), “forget about small talk, I want to know your traumas and emotional baggage.”

        1. AvonLady Barksdale*

          No. If I’ve just met someone and they say negative things about themselves in the first conversation, joking or no, I’m going to come away thinking this person sounds like a lot of emotional work right off the bat.

        2. The Other Dawn*

          “forget about small talk, I want to know your traumas and emotional baggage.”

          That’s a big Nope for me. If someone unloaded all their traumas and emotional baggage on me after just meeting me, or we know each other and we haven’t talked for a while, I’d run screaming in the other direction.

          1. Potatoes gonna potate*

            and that’s perfectly understandable heh. I wish I could remember the actual meme. I had a different interpretation of it — that after being in quarantine/isolation for so long, people are throwing the general rules of socialization out the window, wanting to make meaningful connections in one shot. And maybe it can happen (with mutually consenting parties.. Not saying I agree with the essence of it or htat I’d do it, just thought it was a really interesting take.

    10. Seal*

      Mine is people who are overly familiar the first time they meet you or immediately assume you’re best friends. It’s one thing if you discover you legitimately have something in common and can discuss that, quite another the other people starts telling you intimate things about themselves out of the blue. That just makes me uncomfortable.

      Another is people who are obviously talking down to me based on my appearance. They’re the ones who not so surreptitiously look me up and down when they first meet me. I’m an overweight middle-aged woman with a well-controlled, invisible chronic health condition. I also have 2 masters degrees, a 6-figure income, and a very interesting backstory, but I’d rather hear yours that talk about mine. Seriously, stop judging me by my cover.

      And sometimes I just have a gut reaction to someone that raises a red flag for me. I can never quite put my finger on it at the time, but down the road something inevitably happens that confirms my initial discomfort.

    11. RussianInTexas*

      Over-solicitous people. There is a fine line between desire to help and being nosy or patronizing.
      Too personal too fast. I am a hedgehog, and I have spikes. You are not my friend because we hang out few times.
      People who have a pattern of canceling on you. I would rather you not RSVP or do it with “maybe”, than always cancel. I understand not commiting, but I hate commiting and then not follow up.
      Making to many promises. Sort of the same as the above point.

      1. allathian*

        Yup, I feel pretty much the same way.

        Over-solicitous people annoy me, especially when I’m shopping. If I need help, I’m perfectly capable of finding an employee and asking. I appreciate it if employees can take me seriously when I say I’m just looking around. Aggressive selling doesn’t work on me, and I actively avoid stores that pay a large part of the salary as commission. I haven’t encountered pushy people like this in my social life, though.

        I don’t get too personal with anyone until I know them a bit from casual chat. Some people think I’m too standoffish even for a Finn, and we’re notorious about not letting anyone get close until we know them fairly well.

        Incessant smiling annoys me, but then I’m used to people looking like Jason Bourne for most of the year. Matt Damon has Finnish roots, and when I watched the Bourne movies, it just struck me how he’d fit in perfectly here. Someone from an environment where people smile at each other in the streets would probably find my town extremely unfriendly.

    12. Black Horse Dancing*

      I always watch how someone treats animals. If they are cruel, careless, just plain idiotic, that sets off alarms. How someone treats a being, that’s important. Because everyone can be simply kind.

      2. The Other Dawn*

        I agree. I’d add to that people who meet me for the first time and when they hear I have *a lot* of cats, tell me if they’re having issues with their cat or Boyfriend decides she can’t keep the cat anymore, she “knows right where to drop it off.” Um, no. I’m not an animal shelter or rescue where you can just drop your unwanted cat because it became inconvenient for you.

        This happened to me at work in 2019. I met a coworker for the first time who had just moved into a new position and into our building (internal transfer). She was being introduced to people. The person who brought her over is a cat lover, too, so the three of us talked about our cats for a few minutes. When the woman heard how many cats I have, she went on about how her boyfriend “tolerated” her cat and that if he decided she couldn’t keep him anymore, or if the cat started misbehaving and she couldn’t/didn’t want to deal with it, she would just call me up and drop the cat off with me because, “what’s one more??” What an asshole. It immediately turned me off and I’ve disliked her ever since. She came off as pushy and cavalier. A pet, any pet, is a commitment and you don’t just get to dump the animal on someone else because it became inconvenient for you. And my sense about her has been confirmed over this past year. She’s been a bit of a PITA and definitely pushy.

    13. Paris Geller*

      I think one that goes along with the red flag you mentioned about honesty is whenever someone has to go on about how they’re such a good worker/spouse/friend/etc. Someone who constantly has to remind you they’re a good person/good at X/etc., probably isn’t, because if they were. . . they wouldn’t need to talk about it so much.

    14. matcha123*

      Based on my experience… people that always have to be the expert. People that agree with everything you say and are eager to be friends asap. People that complain a lot. I can’t trust people that complain. And people that “forget” information and then try to paint you as the bad guy. They will swear you promised to help them move all weekend when you know you promised to help on a Saturday after 5pm.

    15. Marion Ravenwood*

      Another vote for “I’m just being honest” or variations thereof. In my experience, that is always code for “I’m justifying saying mean/hurtful things and don’t give two hoots about how that impacts other people”.

    16. Llama face!*

      People who are too nice. That sounds weird but there’s a certain kind of Very Nice person (the only ones I’ve met so far are female but not ruling out that the male version exists) who is almost aggressively nice in a way that invariably hides their massive resentment issues. This is the person who turn out to be extremely passive aggressive and a mystery grudge holder. And they are always oversensitive and defensive about even the most gentle criticisms.

      2. comityoferrors*

        My new employee is like this and it is *rough*. I didn’t have any red flags for Niceness before, because most of the people I know are genuinely nice, but my three months of experience with this lady has made me much more prickly with this type.

    17. ThatGirl*

      People who casually use slurs or put others down. Like using “gay” as a pejorative or use the r-word casually. Or even just casually calling others stupid. I don’t want to be around people like that.

    18. All Monkeys are French*

      It’s not a total red flag, but I’m increasingly disappointed by the lack of conversation. It seems like most interactions I have these days are just a series of alternating declarations. If people ask any questions at all, it is so they can show that they know more. I don’t know if it’s the influence of social media or just that I seem to converse with people who don’t usually feel heard, and need to say their piece. I find myself doing it, too, and I really want to work on it. A real conversation with someone who asks questions to elicit more information and shows an interest in the answers is such a joy.

    19. Anonnington*

      The extent to which they treat me as an equal. I’ve learned that all the power trips are a bad sign – splaining, any kind of condescension, trying to provoke me, not respecting my space, “negging,” etc. I think that splaining can be a little hard to pin down because if you don’t know someone very well, how can you know how much they know about a certain subject? So I go by the tone and the context.

      I look for people where there’s a feeling of mutual respect and mutual acceptance.

    20. Unkempt Flatware*

      Indirect questions intended to answer a question not asked. An ex once asked if I had any cereal left. I said no but that he could have my granola if he wanted. After an exchange of dirty looks, he tells me all he wanted to know is if was okay if he finished the milk…?

      Or the coworker who asked if I had a chance to sign up for X. Yes, I sure did, thanks. “But I don’t see your name on the sign up list…?” So are you asking if I signed up or had the chance to sign up? So annoying.

    21. Chantel*

      I get immediately suspicious when someone who I just met or haven’t known for very long cozies up to me, especially by way of gossip. There’s just some vibe I get, like the person is shifty in other ways, too.

      I also cannot stand people pleasers, with their manipulative and controlling behavor disguised as ‘help.’ Nope.

    22. Potatoes gonna potate*

      One toxic trait that I have or used to have was – whenever anyone talked about something I would talk about how that applied in my life (I, uh, still may do that from time to time).

      In my mind I was doing it with the intention to relate to the person and that I had something in common with them. To build rapport I guess.

      It’s only now I’m realizing how annoying and toxic it was. Maybe there is a way to talk about yourself without coming across as a self absorbed person but I haven’t figured that out yet.

      1. Budgie Buddy*

        One way to neutralize the “I am uncomfortable when we are not all about me?” effect is to segue back into a question about the other person’s experience. People who have to make it all about them don’t do that; they immediately launch into a story about themselves.

      2. Old and Don’t Care*

        I have several friends who do this. I find it annoying but not toxic. I probably am guilty of it myself. I try to throw in connecting phrases about “the point being” or similar to make the connection between their story>>my story more obvious than when it’s just inside my head. So I may be annoying but also not toxic.

      3. The Other Dawn*

        Admittedly, I do this sometimes. I try not to, but I find myself doing it anyway. Though I’ve noticed I don’t do it with friends and family. I tend to do it when I’ve just met someone or they’re an acquaintance. For me it’s just a way to feel like I have something in common with someone and try to relate to them and make conversation.

    23. Explicit Mox*

      People who are judgmental of others, right of the bat. If you’re more interested in not understanding others than the opposite, it’s a warning sign.

      People who are habitually sarcastic/ironic. I can’t be friends with someone who hides behind a shield of ironic distance, ask me how I know. It’s incredibly exhausting to be honest with someone who seems incapable of giving anything back that’s not a quip, a clever twist, or a dry, sarcastic put down that you’re not supposed to take personally, because don’t you understand sarcasm? Also, people who never laugh at themselves but make jokes at the expense of others.

    24. The Other Dawn*

      When someone says, “I’m a realist” or “I’m just telling it how it is.” That’s a clear sign to me that they’re really just an asshole and they want to make someone feel bad about themselves under the guise of “being honest.” It’s a chance for them to throw someone under the bus.

    25. Astoria*

      People who talk at you rather than to you or with you.

      I try to discern whether a speaker genuinely wants to share information, or wants to be your “guru.”

  29. Buggy Crispino*

    I want to be a cord cutter – any advice? I’m tired of paying such a high price for cable service that isn’t giving me what I want. One of the reasons I’ve resisted getting rid of cable is that I often leave the TV on in the background and half-heartedly pay attention while I do other things. I could pick a channel with a type of programming I like (home improvement, classic reruns, crime programs, etc.) and have varied entertainment. But now it seems all these channels have all day marathons of one show. So if you don’t like Chip and Joanna, too bad, that channel doesn’t exist for you that day. I do know that I need some way to get or keep local channel programming, but I think I might be able to get most of those by installing an antenna – my big concern is I feel like with streaming services I have to search for something to watch rather than just seeing random programs of a general genre.

    1. Qwerty*

      I haven’t tried it yet, but Netflix has a “pick for me” option where it will select a show for you based on your viewing history. I’m not sure if it picks a random episode or starts at the beginning. You can either select instead of picking a viewer profile OR you can use it after you enter your profile (probably to allow for true random vs inspired by your interests).

    2. twocents*

      If it’s just that you want some background noise, you could always just pop in DVDs and let them run in the background. Alternatively, if you have a smart TV, you could play YouTube with autoplay on, and if you don’t, you can hook a laptop up with an HDMI cable.

      I haven’t had cable for probably 8 years since they wanted to jack my rates to $100 a month. I’ve occasionally gotten streaming services to watch very specific shows (Wandavision, The Mandalorian, Good Omens), but I cancel once I no longer have anything I want to watch. At least my DVDs have already been paid for.

    3. Charlotte Lucas*

      Depends on what market you’re in, but digital broadcast TV now has a lot of programming similar to basic cable. (I don’t even use streaming, because I can get so much media through my local library. I’ve probably saved thousands over the past 20 years by not paying for cable, etc.)

    4. Texan In Exile*

      For actual watching, it might work to get DVDs from the library. I can’t find everything I want there, but I can find enough that even after 13 years in this house, I have not run out of things to watch. And I don’t pay extra for it. (We do not have cable.)(We are super cheap.)

      1. Sunshine*

        Yes. The library is great for watching what’s on your list or background noise.

    6. TPS reporter*

      I recently switched from youtube tv which I just watch on an app on my phone or smart tv. It’s much cheaper than cable and you can get all of your local channels.

    7. CatCat*

      Get an antenna. We have one mounted on our wall that basically looks like a sheet of paper. We only use it for PBS, but it gets a lot of channels.

    8. AnonInCanada*

      I hear you: most of what’s being offered on cable are these marathons of shows you’re not interested in. The thing is, is there a relationship between your cable provider and your ISP? (i.e. are they the same?) If not, then you’ll have options. If so, you may find out you cutting the cable will end up with a higher internet service bill which ends up cancelling the savings you made cutting the cord.

      Even worse: if said ISP gave you an email address you’ve been using for years and you decide to go elsewhere for internet, now what? You’ll need to scramble to tell everyone you keep email contact with to contact you with a new email address, as your old ISP will cut that old email address off, if not immediately than shortly thereafter.

      Don’t you just love cable monopolies?

      1. Buggy Crispino*

        I do have cable and internet service together, so I know that I will be losing some bundle discounts. That’s something I forgot to mention in my initial post – I don’t want to increase my internet price AND have to pay for a dozen streaming services. It’s really kind of a balancing act when you start making changes.

      2. Natalie*

        The cost of internet only might be higher than the internet portion of the bundle, but I don’t think there are any providers that are selling their standalone internet for more than the total bundle cost. Keeping cable because you save money on internet is still losing money.

    9. traffic_spiral*

      Step 1: buy an HDMI Cable
      Step 2: Get adblock on your laptop
      Step 3: Hook up the laptop to your TV with said cable and watch all the random stuff you like by either streaming or youtube or whatever.

    10. Hazelnut Bunny*

      I cut the cord a long time ago. While cable can be nice with a DVR, I hate the price tag. So I have an antenna that I use mostly for local news. I have Netflix, Hulu, Disney+, ESPN+, and Amazon Prime for $36~/mo. I know it’s a lazy hobby, but I love watching TV and movies. Everyone in my house always has something they enjoy and price wise, I can’t complain.

      1. pancakes*

        This is what we do. We didn’t have a TV at all for a long, long time, and we have one now and only use it for these type of streaming services. HuluPlus, or whatever they call it, has both live TV and a DVR function. I pay for that one pretty much solely for TCM channel, and often use it to record movies for later. It’s great!

    11. Pam*

      We have an antenna tv. Cooking shows and Jeopardy, with a smattering of old tv shows works for me.

    12. StripesAndPolkaDots*

      I haven’t had cable for years and I often have tv on in the background. I just put on a YouTube channel I like, or something on netflix/hulu/prime/criterion/etc. No or way fewer commercials than cable! I use a roku tv.

    14. Chantel*

      I bought an indoor, $35 digital antenna and LOVE it! I get all the major networks, PBS, the CW, Cozi TV, and various other channels. I kept my Internet for $40 a month and stream what I want via trials or free servoces like Tubi and Peacock (not premium).

      So all that for $40 a month, and what I want to watch.

    15. bunniferous*

      Get a Roku box. You can pay about ten bucks and stream youtube videos with no ads. Youtube TV and Roku are arguing right now but once they kiss and make up you can stream that with Roku. I have a Hulu account that I access thru Roku and between that and youtube I have all I want to watch. There are free things on Roku as well.

      My total price for media right now is less than 20 bucks a month. Actually closer to about 12 but I got the Hulu with ads for a really cheap price for a year.

    16. Belle*

      We cut the cord about 10 years ago when I was laid off and then never got it back. We have a Roku and haven’t missed it. Here is what we do:
      Antenna for basic channels, news, weather, etx
      Pluto tv – free and great to leave on in background. Lots of shows for free. We have Midsomer Murders playing often
      Paramount+
      Disney+ for our toddler

      We spend less than $10 a month this way plus internet

    17. Natalie*

      One thing we do to keep streaming costs down is cut and resubscribe to stuff as we actually watch it. This won’t be for everyone, of course, but it’s one way we fit Sling into our budget – we only have it during basketball season. Hulu also makes it pretty easy to add and drop extra channels.

  30. Qwerty*

    Any suggestions for shows that are lighthearted escapism? I really enjoy the early seasons of the Doctor Who reboot, Merlin, Robin Hood which felt like grown-up kid shows with a balance of fun storyline and humor without being a flat out comedy. My favorite episodes are generally the ones that have zero impact on the overall character arc or season story line.

    Or if does get dark and dramatic, for that part to go over my head like in Good Omens. Its easy to forget that show is about the apocalypse when there’s a sassy David Tennant.

    1. Charlotte Lucas*

      Have you tried The Musketeers, The Librarians, or any of the BBC adaptations of Discworld novels? (I particularly liked Going Postal.) The Good Place is a really great series that uses comedy while discussing ethical issues/moral philosophy.

      I know the feeling. I love SF/fantasy, but if it gets too dark & moody, I’m out.

      1. Qwerty*

        Discworld was adapted??? You have made my day! I loved Terry Pratchett novels back when I read a lot.

        I’ve watched Good Place a couple of times but wasn’t familiar with Musketeers or Librarians, I’ll check those out!

        1. Grace*

          The Going Postal and Hogfather adaptations are both very fun!

          And the BBC Musketeers has its darker moments, but is still a lot of fun – it kind of felt like a spiritual successor to the Merlins and Robin Hoods of a few years earlier.

    2. Queer Earthling*

      Warehouse 13, especially the first two or three seasons (I don’t remember if it was the third or fourth season that started to get ~dark and edgy~). Fun steampunky escapism, sassy dialogue, fun stories, history. Its “sister series” Eureka is also pretty fun; they were both SyFy channel original series about ten years ago that were really fun and inventive. (Alphas is also in that series but it’s a bit more srs bsns.)

      Also I’ve been REALLY getting into Columbo lately. The most stressful moments are about 5 minutes to the end, when you know he’s about to get the bad guy but you’re not sure how yet. Otherwise it’s just “Let’s watch a rumpled, quirky detective annoy rich, smug murderers and poke holes in their alibis” and it’s delightful.

    3. Lcsa99*

      Agree that The Librarians and Werehouse 13 might be good fits and want to add Eureka to that list.

      1. Anono-me*

        I just found Eureka and it does fit this bill for me.

        I am glad to learn of the other two.

    4. Falling Diphthong*

      I loved The Librarians, in which Librarians save the world via magical artifacts. It just felt good to watch.

      Also recommend Leverage, in which a team of con artists discover the appeal of using their skills to help the battered-down little guys of the world. (While shorting the stock of whatever large corporation they are going to kneecap this week.)

      Something that might fit your last criteria is Crazy Ex-Girlfriend? It winds up dealing with some serious mental illness issues, but in the midst of a musical that points out the toxicity of romantic comedy tropes while also working within them. I describe it as “A lawyer realizes she’s miserable and moves across the country on a whim. Gradually she inspires the people around her to break out of their ruts, too.”

    5. Anima*

      Mhm, what about Firefly? Maybe it’s too good to watch it in the background but I think it ticks your boxes.

    6. Dark Macadamia*

      Pushing Daisies – it’s so cute, colorful, and quirky you forget they’re investigating murders

      Marvelous Mrs. Maisel – same creator as Gilmore Girls with a lot of similarities in characterization/overall vibe but in 1950s New York

    7. Buni*

      Adding a tick to Librarians, Eureka and Warehouse 13. Also maybe Haven? It gets a bit darker / complicated in the later series but has SUCH a good conclusion.

      I’m in the middle of a Stargate rewatch atm so I’m not much good for anything else…

    8. ten four*

      Lucifer, on Netflix: a comic detective show with SATAN. It’s basically Castle but with the devil. It took me an episode or two to get into it, but I wound up really liking it. Second half of the 5th season is out end of May, and they just wrapped the 6th season series finale, so no fear that they’ll cancel on a cliffhanger!

    9. Double A*

      This is not at all in the fantasy realm, but I really, really enjoyed Stumptown. It’s a spin on the “gritty PI” trope. It’s drama but two of the main actors (Colbie Smokers and Jake Johnson) are sitcom veterans so they bring really great comedic timing to it and are just fun to watch. The supporting cast is great too.

      1. ten four*

        ooh I forgot about that one, but I love Colbie Smolders AND detective shows. I’m gonna go hunt that one up!

    10. allathian*

      The original MacGyver was fun to rewatch as an adult. It’s not too dark, but does have episodes about the environment and the rights of Native Americans to their traditional lands. Quite progressive for the 1980s, but it’s mostly very light hearted. The first seasons that were made for Showtime are a bit more adult in character, at times Mac seemed like a wannabe James Bond but without the overt misogyny.

    11. HannahS*

      You might like The Musketeers (BBC). Couple of seasons, fun swashbuckling escapism.

    12. Buni*

      I don’t know if it’s available anywhere but I can’t BELIEVE I forgot to mention the original UK Primeval – adorkable crew wrangle time-travelling dinosaurs!

      It’s…way better than I just made it sound there. Genuinely good and so much fun.

    13. Pharmgirl*

      Almost all of USA‘s “Characters Welcome” shows from the 2000s- 2010s – Monk, Psych, White Collar, Burn Notice, Royal Pains. There’s more too but those are the ones I’ve seen.

    14. SarahKay*

      BBC show: “Hustle”. A group of con-artists, but they go after unpleasant people. Very light and a lot of fun.

    15. FD*

      Stargate SG-1 is a good one, though I recommend pretending that the end of Season 8 is the end of the series.

  31. ???*

    Cabbage soup is very easy. Cut up a cabbage, carrots potatoes (honestly you can pretty much add anything to this rice, pasta, spanish etc.) You can cook it in 6 cups of water or stock, and just season your bowl with salt. The baby can eat the boiled potatoes and carrots- which you can mash a bit so baby didn’t choke.
    Pumpkin soup is easy- a can of pumpkin and you dilute with stock. If the baby won’t eat soup, set aside some of the pumpkin and the baby can eat that.
    Pasta salad- 12 oz of rotini pasta 16 oz of italian dressing, and whatever vegetables, cheese, nuts you want to chop up in put in it. It taste better the day after you make it.
    Oatmeal- add Greek yogurt, fruit and nuts.
    Blender oatmeal pancakes- blend oatmeal, baking powder, almond milk, eggs (or a substitute) , banana,. You can also add pumpkin and carrots to this to make it healthier. These can also be cooked as muffins.

  32. Cheshire Cat*

    Any advice on dealing with a 90 year old with delusions? My mother has yet another infection, and when she has one, she thinks she’s in a different apartment that looks just like hers. Today she thinks she’s in a hotel and wants me to take her home.

    All the advice says not to argue with the person, but not to feed into the delusion either. Do I take her for a ride and then take her back home? That feels like feeding the delusion, but I can’t tell her she’s already home—it upsets her and then she starts arguing.

    She’s been on antibiotics for 2 days and the delusion should go away soon…just not sure how to deal with it right now.

    And BTW, my mother’s doctor will start her on low-dose antibiotics as soon as the current infection is over.

    1. Qwerty*

      So much sympathy – we’ve had the same issue with my grandfather when he was in assisted living. He used to travel for work so he thought he was in a hotel that happened to be decorated to match his former house.

      Short term advice – if you just need to get through the next 2 days, then do whatever you feel like you have to do. Rather than it being a “ride home”, maybe drive to the park and put windows down for fresh air. Or just to the common area of her building to get mail. Usually if we could get my grandpa into a new context or his brain to focus on a new topic, things would reset for a while.

      Is there anything with sentimental attachment that she can focus on? We had a giant collage of pictures of my grandpa (leftover from a party, but he loved it so it stayed) and moved it to a more obvious place. That way when he called and wanted to go home, we could direct him to look at the pictures. Sometimes he’d start putting it together himself, but usually the beautiful college of himself would help him realize that maybe this was his home.

      Ego helped, which might not work in your case. We’d tell him that he owned that apartment (easier to say then renting), he’d counter with he owned a house, and we’d say “yes, you have that too”. Then he would switch to tell me about how smart he is with real estate decisions and the purpose of having both a house and an apartment.

      We also printed large signs. There one on the back of the door that said “YOU LIVE HERE” followed by meal times for the facility. And a large note by the phone with a picture of my grandma and an explanation of where she was to reduce the calls that we got.

      Depending on the time of day and your mom’s distress, you may also be able to just go with the hotel story. If it was after dinner when my grandpa started worrying about going home, we’d go along with whatever trip he thought he was on and say that he’s leaving the next day, not to worry, everything is arranged and he’ll get the details at breakfast. We’d convince him to turn on the golf channel for background, which meant when he got off the phone he’d watch that for a bit and then transition to his nighttime routine.

      Do these delusions come around specific times? For my grandpa, his hardest point was right after a meal when he came back to his apartment from the dining hall. His brain would reset every time he walked through that door, so we started just taking turns calling at those points in the day. That would head off the delusion by presenting a different topic, or allow us to dispel it before it had time to take hold, because by the time you get a call, your mom is already very emotionally tangled in it and is distressed.

      Also, if there’s anything you can do to keep her hydrated (without risking overhydrating – low sodium levels also cause delusions). My grandparents both seemed to just stop drinking liquids outside of meals (and pretty much only coffee at meals) when they got old and functioned a lot better when I got them to have a little more water.

      1. Cheshire Cat*

        Thanks, this is all really helpful. Usually my mom’s delusions start in the evening and are gone in the morning, so I try to roll with whatever she says and tell her that we’ll get it straightened out first thing tomorrow.

        Today it’s already started, though, which doesn’t bode well. I’m about to go over there & I’ll take her for a walk.

        Thanks for the suggestion about the photos—I’ve been meaning to put together an album of family photos, especially of Mom’s great grandchildren. I hope that will help distract her!

        1. It’s just a name*

          Sundowning is fairly common in people with dementia. Mostly people use “fiblits” or little lies to get sufferers to calm down. My 91 year old father has it bad. He sometimes gets himself worked up to the point of distress. I tell him that I will take care of (whatever is troubling him) just to calm him down. The Dr. has prescribed meds to help with the delusions. It does get worse when he’s unwell, but his dementia has progressed to the point where he has almost no connection to reality. Perhaps have your mom evaluated for dementia as well. They have meds that supposedly slow down the progression.

    2. A313*

      Oh, this is hard. No point in arguing or pointing out the truth, though. I like the idea of taking her out and then back home. Since this is a temporary delusion, I wouldn’t see the harm in that.

    3. Falling Diphthong*

      I don’t know if this will help, but just in case: I have read that when people develop this regarding other people–believing that the people around them have been replaced by fairies or robots–it’s because there’s a problem with the part of the brain that does emotional tagging. They reason “normally when I see this person/space I feel this emotion, and if I don’t feel the emotion that means the person/space must be wrong and somehow different.”

      What I have seen people do in this situation is the equivalent of the difficult person you just agree with: “Yes, mm hmm, we’ll get there.” It’s very frustrating because trying to explain the logic isn’t going to go anywhere.

    4. Lizabeth*

      Mom was in assisted living and towards the end she always want to go home to “mother and pop”. I would always say that it’s a long drive and it’s too late in the day to start, that I’ll pick her up first thing in the morning. For the most part that worked.

      Have you tried telling her that she’s checking out in the morning to go home? And then distract, distract, distract…photo albums worked and we’d go outside on the patio to watch the clouds and birds for about 15 minutes and it was enough to reset her brain for awhile.

      Don’t feel guilty about stretching the truth.

    5. CJM*

      My mom developed UTIs in her last few years of life, and delusions were her main symptom. Just as you describe, a few days of antibiotics generally cleared them up.

      I usually tried to talk her back toward reality because that helped me and her care team the most. Usually her delusions were about people coming into her apartment and stealing from her, and I was pretty confident that wasn’t happening. She was very anxious in general and more so when delusional. I focused on calming and reassuring her without buying into the delusions.

      1. Venus*

        For my grandmother stealing was related to her bad memory from the start of dementia. Apparently it is very typical. She would put something on the counter, then would move it, and later she would see that it was no longer on the counter but had forgotten she had moved it. She refused to acknowledge a problem with her memory, therefore someone had to be stealing from her.

        1. CJM*

          That makes good sense. I suspect the same thing happened with my mother. It was all sad and frustrating — especially for her.

    6. Anon librarian*

      In training for dealing with patrons in the library who have delusions [we get a lot of those], we are taught to say things like:
      Be that as it may, we are [following this rule] ie staying here now
      We will have to agree to disagree … and stay here for now

      I don’t know if those will help you but they help me with repeat patrons who want to engage us in their latest conspiracy delusion.

    7. Cheshire Cat*

      Thanks, everyone, all of your suggestions will be good to keep in mind in the future!

      For now, I thought a walk out in the sun would help, but when we got back inside she mentioned paying the hotel bill. I tried to deflect by suggesting I’ll take her back home after we visit one of my grandchildren tomorrow (we are really going there, the visit was planned a week ago) . She took another dose of the antibiotic at lunch and I’m hopeful that will put the brakes on the delusion sometime today.

    8. WS*

      The bit about “not feeding the delusions” isn’t that you shouldn’t lie, it’s that you shouldn’t make big changes for the sake of the delusion (like your example of driving around then taking her back again – that’s done nothing for the underlying conflict in her mind). Saying “Oh, you can go home tomorrow,” is fine. Delusions can be repetitive but they’re very short-term.

      1. ShinyPenny*

        On the other hand, going for a walk or a drive might help because it can really change a person’s physiological state in a helpful way. The body might have too much unused energy, and the person with dementia can’t express “hey I need a walk, I need to move around, I need to get out of these four walls” so instead that feeling might come out as emotional agitation and hostility.
        Engaging in positive physical action can help!
        I think of it like managing a puppy :) As the human in charge, you make sure to alternate periods of action with periods of rest. If you forget to plan periods of action, THAT’s when you get teethmarks in the leg of your heirloom chair!
        For an elderly person, the “action” needs to be customized for the person’s health, abilities, and interests.

    9. Venus*

      I want to add my support to dealing with it by postponing the issue to the next day. I read a story years ago that stuck with me. The man’s wife had died but he couldn’t remember that, and he would often ask about her. At first he was reminded that she had died so he had to newly mourn her many times a day. Then they found excuses for where she had gone. She was getting her hair cut, or a doctor’s appointment, or a visit with a friend. She would be back in two hours. He was suddenly happy all the time because she was okay ‘elsewhere’.

      It is hard when they are at the start of a delusion because it can change often and you are learning what to say. I hope she feels better soon.

    10. HannahS*

      One thing that I often say to patients (when there’s a constellation of cognitive impairment, intoxication, psychiatric symptoms, distress, etc) overnight in hospital is this: “Listen, it sounds like this is a complicated situation. You’ve had a long and and scary/hard/stressful day. It’s ______ in the evening/morning. You’re tired, I’m tired–we aren’t going to get it all straightened out right now. Can we talk about this more in the morning?” I’m usually in a position where I can also say, “Why don’t I give you something to help you sleep?” which can be helpful, but I think it’s a good balance of not addressing someone’s delusions head-on while still being kind and reassuring.

    11. ShinyPenny*

      The best book I found on the nuts and bolts of getting through each day is
      Creating Moments of Joy Along The Alzheimer’s Journey
      By Jolene Brackey
      (It’s on Amazon, but there’s usually a cheaper earlier edition on Thriftbooks. It’s my standard “welcome to the neighborhood” gift.)
      So many helpful ideas about not just de-escalating bad emotional crisis moments, but also how to proactively create calmer happier days.

      Personally, what made the most difference for me was understanding that the facts no longer matter, but the emotions are *everything*.
      A person with dementia will remember an upsetting emotion long after they’ve forgotten what exactly happened to cause that bad feeling. Their story explaining the bad feeling might change or be innacurate– but the emotion is so real.
      So it usually works better to respond to the emotion.
      Love and sympathy, making sure they feel heard, helping them label feelings all can help. For us, that could look like,”That sounds really frustrating! What a difficult day! [Etc. as needed] Listen, we are both tired out, and I could use a cup if tea. Could we sit and visit for a bit, and then work on [stolen sweater, stolen shoes, how to check out of the hotel] afterwards? I wanted your advice about [that new bread recipe I just tried, what’s wrong with my roses, what to get nibling for birthday] then we’ll get back to business!”
      Love and sympathy, and distraction…
      When I helped care for a dear friend who also often felt like she had two identical houses and we were in the wrong one, the family’s approach was “That must be pretty strange for you! So all the furniture is the same? And all your stuff is in both places! [longer discussion about details if she desired] Wow! Well, gosh, Spouse said he needs to stay in THIS house tonight– he’d really like it if you could stay here tonight, too. Let’s look at the garden and then decide what to do…” [Appeal To Beloved But Absent Authority, lol. Can also work to cite Favorite Absent Relative: “Grandchild is expecting to find you at THIS house tomorrow, and might not be able to visit with you if you’ve gone somewhere else.”]
      Good luck with your Mom! I hope she feels better soon.

  33. Alex*

    What are your tricks, tips, products, etc., for at-home pedicures to manage really really really dry cracked skin on the heels?

    Mine are really really bad. Pretty sure it is mostly genetics, but I really don’t like getting pedicures and I’m trying to save money anyway. I’d like to be able to take care of this at home but I haven’t been good about doing it, and even when I do it I feel I’m not as effective as I could be.

    1. violet04*

      I like Vanicream lotion. I scrub my heels in the shower with a pumice stone and when I get out, I apply lotion and put on a pair of socks. It’s the first product I’ve used, where I’ve actually noticed a difference in the condition of my skin. It’s gentle enough to use as a body lotion and I even used it on a dry patch of skin near my eye. I buy it from Walgreens. I also like to soak my feet in warm water and Epsom salt and then use a pumice stone and lotion.

    2. Cheshire Cat*

      My father had really dry, cracked skin on his hands. He found a product called Bag Balm, which was originally developed for cows’ udders; the company now also has a hand moisturizer. It always seemed to work best if he wore gloves for awhile after applying it.

      My dad bought it at Southern States, the garden supply store. It contains lanolin, but my father was able to use it even though he had a strong allergy to wool.

      2. Wishing You Well*

        +1
        I put Bag Balm (mostly petroleum jelly) on my feet and cover with socks overnight. I use Working Hands (in the jar) and cotton gloves for dry, cracked hands.

        1. Ali + Nino*

          Yes to working Hands (the only thing that’s ever worked on my poor chapped hands) and the companion cream Healthy Feet!

          1. allathian*

            Seconding both. I love the fact that both of them are so unscented that they don’t even have that medical smell that’s so common in unscented products.

    3. Qwerty*

      Lotions with oatmeal help me keep my cracked heels under control. Aveeno makes a good one though I get the generic Meijer version. The oatmeal helps loosen the dead skin and protects it from drying out more.

      When things get bad, soak and scrub. If I don’t have time for soaking, then I just take a rough washcloth to dry my feet after a shower since the skin is already soft. If I’m going to sit and soak, then its hot water with some apple cider vinegar, followed by lightly using one of those foot files. My was free so it doesn’t have a brand, but one side is rough grade and the other is fine grade. Then I put my foot back in the soak for a few minutes so the ACV can disinfect anything.

    4. My Brain Is Exploding*

      Just a few days with flexitol heel balm and my heels look much much better. Definitely something with urea in it.

    5. Falling Diphthong*

      1) A pumice stone, use at the end of each bath/shower.
      2) Straight vaseline or, perhaps even better, Aquafor. (This is what all the surgeons have given me for healing damaged tissue.) Put it on heavily, then put on a pair of old socks to keep it in place.

      3) Consider the occasional pedicure, like a couple of times a year, either as a reward or in anticipation of something where you’d like to have fun toes. The first time I had a pedicure (late in life) the power sander for my cracking calluses was a revelation. I get them every few months now without polish, to deal with the cracking calluses and prevent ingrowns. It’s easier to keep up in between times if they are getting thoroughly looked after at intervals.

    6. Joan Rivers*

      I found “Diabetic Lotion” at a DOLLAR STORE and it’s way better than regular lotion. Can’t beat the price too. It’s unscented and melts right into skin w/o being greasy.
      Dollar stores do have some good deals. Aloe Gel! I buy antacid and allergy pills there too. Plus, name brand condiments, sometimes name brand chocolate for baking.

    7. anon24*

      I use a foot file (colossal rasp foot file, on Amazon for $10) about once a week. It is amazing and disgusting how much it pulls off. After every shower I put a thick coating of straight shea butter on my heels and feet and then put socks on until it’s soaked into my feet. I’ve had issues with my feet my whole life and this has been the only solution that works!

    8. HBJ*

      Same as a couple other people said – pumice stone at the end of the shower. You could soak your feet in a tub and do it, too, but I would never get around to doing that. 5-15 minutes in the shower gives the same affect. I don’t use a specific lotion, just whatever I happen to have.

    9. Just Another Manic Millie*

      A nail technician told me to buy one of those tiny round containers of lip balm and rub that stuff into my heels.

    10. Dancing Otter*

      1. Even better than socks, cut a baggie to make a triangle open on the long side. Pour in some oil or lotion, then tape or tie it in place on your heel for as long as you have time. (You can try plastic wrap, but I always make a mess.) All the oil/lotion goes into your skin instead of your sock.
      2. Close the drain while taking your shower to soak your feet at the same time.
      3. The less you go barefoot or sockless, the less the calluses will thicken and dry out. Easier said than done in the summer, of course. My mother’s feet got so much softer after she started always wearing soft slippers around the house, it was amazing.

    11. Marion Ravenwood*

      I swear by Footner socks. They’re available on Amazon, about £10 a pop, and they’re basically sandwich bags of gel you put on your feet for an hour and then rinse off. You’ll think nothing’s happening until about four or five days later and then suddenly all the dry skin will start to peel away over the next week or so, including on the heels – kind of like a peeling sunburn. It is most definitely not the prettiest thing in the world and I will say it took a couple of goes for it to really get to my heels, but it’s worth the investment.

      If you want something that’s a bit quicker, O’Keefe’s foot cream (in the blue tube/pot) is also really good – I put that on overnight with socks over the top and find it works really well.

    13. Pregnant during COVID*

      Barefoot Scientist makes a product called Reboot that is an exfoliating foot peel you use for a week. Available online at their site and may also find at Ulta if you’re in the US.

    14. Alex*

      Thanks All. I’m going to try…well, all of theses suggestions. I’m so tired of being embarrassed of my feet!

  34. Lifelong student*

    Craft thread- what’s you WIP? (work in progress)
    I am doing the Rozetta crochet blanket- might not do all of it but it is keeping my attention so moving along quickly. I did a basketweave lapghan- it was so boring it took way too long!

    1. Qwerty*

      I’m surprising myself with how long it takes to do an adult paint-by-numbers kit. I thought it would be a fun, relaxing activity for last night but only got through a small portion of it because there are 900 painted sections, most of which are tiny and require finesse. Guess that’s my activity for the month!

    2. Dark Macadamia*

      Lots of embroidery! I just finished a cute floral/fox pattern and now I’m mending a hole in a shirt by stitching over it in a pattern that matches the screenprinted design. Next I’ll be doing a more ambitious project embellishing a plain shirt, which I’ve never tried before!

    3. HamlindigoBlue*

      I finished a pair of socks that I did as a test knit (image link in comments). The color reminds me of Jelly Belly Tutti-Fruitti beans. Anyway, now I’m on a sock kick. I picked up a mystery bag of sock yearn from Hobbii, and I have to justify the purchase. I found what looks to be a really great pattern for running socks, so I started on those this week. I think they’re going to be a keeper, and I’ll probably be making several pairs out of this yarn. I can never have too many pairs of ankle/no-show running socks.

      I’ve been seeing a lot of people talking about knitting socks on the 9 inch circulars, so I got a pair of 2.25mm ChiaoGoo 9 inch circulars to try. I have to say, I don’t think I’m a fan. They’re just too small! Maybe my hands just need to get used to them, but I’ve been so tempted to just switch this project over to magic loop too many times. We’ll see. I really want to like them.

      I also am just about done with the Summer Valley Crochet Top. I just need to seam the sides, which should just take a few minutes.

          1. HamlindigoBlue*

            Thank you! They took me about 2.5 weeks of only knitting when I had time to focus on the pattern (mostly weekends). The cables were a bit awkward for me, and at one point I dropped a stitch and had to go back several rows to fix it. I knit them two at a time with magic loop.

    4. Potatoes gonna potate*

      I’m nto sure if this counts as a craft but I did spend $80 at Michaels on fake flowers so …. maybe? I love flowers and seeing all those pretty arrangements and colors makes me want to dabble in it. how….I have no idea what.

    5. Dancing Otter*

      I signed up for a class on sashiko embroidery for later this month.
      Christmas before last, I received a kit, but it’s still sitting untouched. I want an actual human instructor.
      Sashiko is traditionally done with white thread on navy, but I’m thinking of trying extremely pale pink. Guess it depends what color perle cotton is in stock when I go shopping.

    6. Jules the First*

      Working on a fiendishly complicated baby blanket to take my mind off the imminent arrival of said baby (who is currently working on their Alien impression)…it’s made up of lacework leaf motifs so they are fiddly but quick, although making up is going to be a nightmare.

    7. Tortally HareBrained*

      I’m working on an amigurumi moose for a coworker, and then just bought yarn to try the Saratoga summer top from Make and Do Crew. I’ve been working on a cardigan for ages- but the sleeves are smarter than me and I think I need a win before trying again.

  35. Falling Diphthong*

    Book recommendations:
    I’m going to be recovering from surgery, and hoping for some book recs. Things that have been recommended here in the past that I really liked:

    The Meg Langslow (and Turing Hopper) series by Donna Andrews. As a mystery, these are well-plotted, unfolding logically but with enough red herrings to keep you guessing. As a cozy, I like the invocation of a tight-knit community, some of them wacky, most of them decent and willing to help out. It’s nice to marinade in this year.

    Dread Nation and Deathless Divide by Justina Ireland. A great alternate history work in which the US Civil War goes astray when the dead rise from the battlefield and start eating everyone on both sides. The slaves are freed, racism doesn’t end, and there’s a revanchist movement to restore things to the good ol’ days–I was reading this on 1/6, and hoo boy. Flawed but likeable main characters, and embodies that storytelling isn’t “having an original idea” (cause zombies have been done a lot) but executing that really well, with tight plotting and good writing.

    The Ten Thousand Doors of January by Alix Harrow. Lovely story in which a young girl is able to open doors between worlds, and what happens to her as she seeks to understand this power and to thwart those trying to control her and it.

    I like books that are good at creating a world and then figuring out what would logically unfold, and how characters would react to that. And nothing too dark–I don’t normally like it and it’s a terrible mindframe when you have plenty of actual tough medical stuff to work around.

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I am … super going to check out the Justina Ireland books. I love alternative history.

      Given that one of your examples is an alt history Civil War, I’m not sure if these would be darker than you’re looking for, but Harry Turtledove does a lot of alt history – mostly along a “What if this one little thing happened differently,” but his Worldwar series (first book: “In The Balance”) involves World War 2 going astray when an alien invasion fleet arrives.

    2. SarahKay*

      A friend recommended “The First Fifteen Lives of Harry August” to me earlier this week and, two late nights later, I can very happily pass on the recommendation. It’s a very clever take on sort-of time-travel and definitely got me thinking through all the different ways it would / could work.

    3. Llellayena*

      On the alternate history end, you might try Seventh Son (and the following 6 books) by Orson Scott Card. Early American where you see some historical figures doing things they definitely didn’t do in our history. That part of it is more world building than main storyline, so it’s not too crazy. OSC does a very good job with world building and character development, I’d recommend most of his writing except much of it is sci-fi which based on what you’ve been reading might not be your cup of tea.

    4. Dark Macadamia*

      Have you read “The Starless Sea” by Erin Morgenstern? Gorgeous, magical, and kind of pretentious story about a secret society relating to an underground library

    5. LDF*

      For the “what would happen with this world building”, The Wayfarers series, starting with The Long Way to a Small Angry Planet. They’re pretty unique in terms of sci fi world building and the common thread tying them together is hope and kindness even in the face of darkness. They’re definitely not dark, like some things that happen are definitely Bad but the narrative makes you feel good.

      I don’t read tok many mysteries but I enjoyed the Truly Devious series. Cozy vermont boarding school setting.

      I enjoyed 10000 Doors but probably would not recommend her next book (the suffragette witches one) until you feel like reading something a little heavier. It was good but doesn’t sound like what you are looking for right now.

      Good luck with your medical stuff!

    6. A. Ham*

      I rarely get a chance to look at the Saturday thread, so this may have been recommended before, but the best book i have read in a LONG time is “The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue”. It’s about a young woman in France 300+ years ago who is on the brink of a bad arranged marriage when, in order to get out of it, she sells her soul the devil. She is granted immortality, but the curse is nobody ever remembers her. It is excellent.

    7. Velvet*

      I think you might like T. Kingfisher’s fantasy books. A WIZARD’S GIDE TO DEFENSIVE BAKING is excellent, and the CLOCKTOWER BOYS books are fun.

      1. GoryDetails*

        I’ll second the Kingfisher recommendation – I loved “Wizard’s Guide”, and just finished BRYONY AND ROSES, a snarky/funny/sometimes-dark spin on “Beauty and the Beast”, with a feisty garden-loving young woman as the protagonist. [Garden-loving as in “almost anything that grows”, *except* for roses, which she finds too demanding and not worth the trouble; the story opens with her getting lost on the way home from a long trip in search of a special variety of rutabaga seeds!]

    8. Dancing Otter*

      How alert will you be with pain meds? Might audiobooks be easier for you than reading?

      Rob Thurman has a couple of series. I particularly enjoyed “Trick of the Light”, “The Grimrose Path”, and “All Seeing Eye”. (There are a lot of books in her Cal Leandros series, but not so much my cup of tea.)
      Genevieve Cogman has seven books now in the “Invisible Library” series.
      “The Shadow of the Lion” by Lackey, Flint and Freer is set in an alternate 16th century Venice. The library at Alexandria didn’t burn, and magic is real. There are several sequels, the names of which I can’t immediately recall.
      Kerry Greenwood, who writes the Phryne Fisher mysteries, also has a series about Corinna Chapman, also set in Australia but more modern. Both series are very good, fairly light mysteries.

      I listen to the audio version of all these.

    9. Falling Diphthong*

      Thanks to all; I have requested several of these from my library and put the rest on a list for later in the month.

    10. Bibliovore*

      I had read the first Justina Ireland and forgot to get the sequel. Thanks for reminding me. Just downloaded from the library. the sequel lives up to the promise of the first.

  36. I've been thinking dontcha know*

    How do you balance gratefulness with feelings of unhappiness? Can they exist at the same time- do they have to be balanced?

    My family has always operated with the concept of ‘be happy with what you have’. If I make a comment about wanting a new job, my family will tell me ‘Just be grateful you have an income’ or ‘Yea, we all think we’re underpaid for our jobs’. OK- you can be grateful you have income but at the same time, desire something more? I don’t have any sort of Lena Dunham/Girls mind set and I’m not quitting tomorrow with nothing lined up. When I moved to NYC, my family and some friends were a bit unsupportive and didn’t understand why I’d want to move from our large city. Sure I could probably make a good life in home city- but I want to experience something else. I moved back to home city during the pandemic and am getting a lot of resistance when I tell friends I’m moving back.

    I sometimes wonder if this is generational resistance to change but the comments come even from my sister and friends as well. I’ve seen it work- I am truly grateful for my health but also angry when I do have health issues come up that I have to deal with/pay for. I don’t find the need to balance these the way I do other conflicting feelings.

    That being said, it definitely wears on me and makes me question the how realistic my own desires are. I want what most other people want- a happy, fulfilled life, a job I enjoy and to experience the world. I am working on this with someone and realized this week I’m finding myself in a mental Olympics lose lose situation where I feel that better things are out there yet also, I’m not sure they actually are.

    Are they right? Are these people just projecting their own life disappointments onto me? Can’t I be grateful for what I have but want more at the same time?

    1. fposte*

      I think there are two balances to consider: the balance of how you feel, and the balance of what you express. Yes, you can be grateful for what you have and want more at the same time. You can be extremely privileged and still be frustrated at a sticky door or a hold time.

      Sometimes a specific family culture or regional culture has particular patterns on this, too; it may be that’s why you’re getting pushback from friends as well as family, or it could be that you ended up replicating some family patterns in the friends you chose.

      Might also be worth a quick self-analysis on the balance of what you express, too—is this their way of intimating you’ve been tipping heavily toward the complaint side in communication? Or maybe it’s a clue that you’ve outgrown your friends a bit and might benefit from finding some more comfortable with honesty about struggles? You know your circle and situation best, so you’ll know better than I do if these are factors.

      But yes, of course you’re allowed to be frustrated that you don’t have some big things you want, even if you’re safe and healthy.

    2. TPS reporter*

      Yes and yes! To be unfulfilled is human. That’s why we have all of this stuff around us that is not basic necessities for survival but simply makes us happy. The cavewoman who invented hair braiding was like, I’m bored and curious let me try this instead of just my regular ponytail.

      Your family sounds like they’ve got a toxic positive vibe going on. Maybe just try not to engage with them too much on the topics of your dreams and goals and focus on those kinds of exploratory conversations with friends? Or write those thoughts down, or see a therapist? You’ve got to get those feelings out somewhere and you deserve happiness. Don’t let them get you down.

    3. Not A Manager*

      You can be grateful for what you have and want more at the same time.

      I would suggest not spending a lot of time wondering why your friends think otherwise. Maybe they’re projecting, maybe it’s a cultural issue (I was raised in a culture of watching your words so as not to attract the evil eye), maybe they’re worried about you. Who knows? You don’t agree with the mindset that gratitude equals passivity, so just roll with that.

      I also wouldn’t take their response as indicating anything about how realistic your plans are. People can make big life changes based on a careful analysis of their options, and people can make big life changes recklessly and impulsively. It’s definitely worth reality-checking yourself, and consulting with people whose judgment you trust, but these friends might not fit into that category.

      1. Michaele Burris*

        Smile more and and share less. You know their opinions already, so don’t feed the emotional mosquitos.

    4. Filosofickle*

      For me it was really powerful to learn that the people closest to us often do not want us to change — they like us as we are, want us to stay where we are. Change is a threat to them. (For example, your desire to leave highlights their desire to stay. What does it mean about them? What does this mean for your relationship? That’s uncomfortable stuff.) More distant connections can help us transform in life, but the people closest to us will often resist our changing even when it’s positive to us.

    5. RagingADHD*

      Of course you can be grateful for what you have, but also want something new, more, or different. We’d all still be living in a cave and interbreeding with our siblings otherwise.

      Change, growth, learning and development are necessary for us as individuals and for humanity as a whole. We also need security and stability. There’s a natural tension between those things, and people tend to lean slightly more toward one end or the other.

      There’s nothing wrong with you or your family, but there is a big mismatch between where you are on the change-stability spectrum. It’s hard being the odd one out in a family, but lots of people are the odd one in some way or another.

      It’s okay. Go explore. Bring them back something cool. That will help the next odd one be braver and go explore, too.

    6. Generic Name*

      Gosh. I think it’s pretty invalidating to hear “you should be grateful” every time you bring up something in your life you want to change. Like, you can totally be grateful for having a job and having a roof over your head while also wanting a new job and to live someplace new. It almost sounds like the people you are saying this to you want to keep you in your place. Wanting to better yourself or your environment isn’t a sign of ungratefulness, it just means you want more, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

      1. Pennyworth*

        You can also be grateful that you have the ability and opportunity for an even better job. Try doubling down on the positivity, out Pollyanna the Pollyannas in your family.

    7. llamaswithouthats*

      It sounds like the problem with your situation is that people are telling you how you should feel. That is Not Good. *You* decide what you want to be grateful for and what you want to change – not anyone else. Also, being grateful and wanting to move up in life aren’t mutually exclusive.

      1. Wishing You Well*

        Yup. Telling you “Be grateful” when you have an issue sounds a bit like denying and invalidating your feelings. A little more empathy would’ve been useful.

    8. Not So NewReader*

      I’d kind of think that friends would be more supportive. But I look back on my own friends that have moved away and I was not that supportive person. “Awww, I will miss you” etc, etc.

      You could ask them (friends and family) why they aren’t happy for you. I think you will find out it’s all about THEM. “Who will shop and try on clothes with me?” or “Who will help me plant my garden?” or “Who will baby sit Junior when hubs and I want a date night?”

      Sometimes our people can’t or won’t give us what we want them to give us. Above someone did a list of red flags for relationships with new people. I have a narrower thing I use- where there are certain topics that just do NOT work with some people. They will disappoint me each and every time.

      Overall this group that surrounds you now is not good with life-work advice. Feel free to find other people to talk with about your move back and your new life in the city. These new people should be carefully chosen and be people whose opinions you really respect.

      Yes, you can be grateful with what you have and still want more. Read any biography/autobiography of the great people in history. If their families told them to sit there and be grateful, they did not listen. They pressed on instead.

      Typically people who push for things to be the same all the time are people who are loaded up with fear. I suspect their comments are fear based.
      My life has been such that I had to learn in a hard way that if things stay the same all the time, those things are actually deteriorating.

    9. Spearmint*

      This attitude doesn’t really make sense. Taken to it’s logical conclusion, nobody except people living in highly impoverished, conflict-ridden conditions would have the right to complain or be dissatisfied or want a change.

      It sounds to me like your family and friends are very conservative (in the temperamental, not political, sense). They like stability, don’t like change, and so can’t empathize with wanting more or find it mildly stressful to talk about big changes or experiments in life. Remember, they’re the kind of people who stayed where you grew up, you’re the kind of person who didn’t want that. That right there is a huge difference in personality. I would just chalk it up to different preferences/personality-styles and try to ignore it when they react badly to your very reasonable life choices and deicision.

      1. Dan*

        And adding to the “conservative” aspect of this a bit… I think the folks begrudging one’s aspirations of “something better” take it as a personal rejection of their lifestyle. As in… I grew up in small towns in the midwest, and my parents didn’t make that much money. We never traveled anywhere other than visiting relatives.

        I wanted something different out of my adult life, so I went to college in the big city and found a good paying job afterwards. I’ve also traveled to several foreign countries.

        My mom kind of took all of this as a personal rejection, She could have chosen to support/embrace my life choices, but chose not to (they’re not self destructive, I promise.) Needless to say, we don’t talk much.

    10. Yellow Warbler*

      It sounds like your family and social circles are determined to hold you back and stomp the ambition out of you. Spinning your mental wheels on the philosophies behind striving for improvement is just another way they get to soak up your headspace and keep you from accomplishing more.

    11. Potatoes gonna potate*

      I 100% relate to this. In most cases I’ve seen people get offended when you don’t want what they have, they feel it’s a judgment on their decision. Of course it’s not true, you can want something different while still being grateful for what you do have.

      Tbh I am still very guilty of it, maybe in small doses. It’s always a work in progress.

  37. Happy Beltane!*

    If you’re celebrating Beltane today, I hope it’s a good one! Any plans or ideas you want to share? I know some circles are holding in-person rituals this year but lots of us either still rocking it solo or holding virtual shindigs.

    I had errands to run this morning so I turned the outing into a quasi-nature walk while listening to a great playlist on Spotify, Beltane, by the user Lewis Sloan. I left some offerings out for the Fair Folk; I don’t work with them but I prefer to stay in their good graces nonetheless. I even found a dandelion head to make a wish on. And that’s probably all the excitement for the day– this evening I’ll probably just give some wine to my Matron, light all the candles (well, most of them at least), and try really hard to not start any surprise fires.

    (And, if you’re in the southern half & celebrating Samhain, just know that I’m jealous. :D)

    2. Melody Pond*

      Happy Beltane! I am doing nothing in particular, but I did use the holiday as an excuse to take yesterday off of work. :-P

  38. AL*

    Did anyone else here get the J&J vaccine? How was your experience? I (39F) got mine yesterday morning and had the expected minor side effects of chills/headache for the first 24 hours, but feel fine now. I may be slightly anxious for the next few weeks about blood clots. It seems like a low risk though, and I didn’t want to have to go back for a second shot (I hate needles).
    It’s interesting how some people seem to judge you for which vaccine you choose- when I told my ‘friend’ I got the J&J, she sent me a bunch of articles about how women my age should get another vaccine.

    1. fposte*

      Congrats on the vaccine, and sorry about the annoying friend. What do people think the point is of telling people something when it’s too late to do anything about it?

      1. BRR*

        Right?! Like, oh let me go back and have them suck the vaccine out of my body. I totally understand the anxiety about it. I would have it as well. But the instances of blood clots are extremely rare.

        1. fposte*

          Though now I’ve remembered those anti-vax practices that promise to draw the vaccine toxins out of your body.

    2. Headaches*

      I got it. I felt fine for 12 hours, like trash for 12 hours, then recovered over 2-3 days. It sucked, but I’d rather do it once than twice.

      1. 3L*

        It was the same for me. I had pretty bad symptoms the day after the shot, but it was over within 12 hours.

        I didn’t have a choice in which shot I got? I’m surprised the OP’s friend thinks she did.

        1. AL*

          I live in a state where we do have multiple choices. I just really dislike getting shots and liked the convenience factor of the J&J.

          1. 3L*

            I think that’s a really reasonable choice. I wouldn’t give much weight to what your friend said.

        2. Headaches*

          Some places have several vaccines available, so people get to choose. I got to choose J&J over Pfizer or Moderna. (No strong opinions or particular knowledge on any of the vaccines here – I chose J&J to get it done faster.)

    3. Not A Manager*

      Send her a reply thanking her for the articles. Tell her that you’ll hop in your time machine so that you can go back and get a different vaccine.

      What a jerk.

    4. Susie*

      I got the J&J, also a woman in my late 30s. I had was a little out of it (done know how else to describe) and had vertigo the day after.
      No other issues.

    5. CJM*

      I got the J&J vaccine on March 10th before blood clots hit the news. My husband and 30-something daughter both got the J&J vaccine in April. I encouraged my daughter to take a baby aspirin each day for two weeks, just in case. I can’t remember where I read that as a recommendation. (My GP recently told me to take a baby aspirin daily because of my age, so I consider it a “can’t hurt; might help” sort of extra.)

      I had mild flu symptoms two days after my shot, and my daughter had chills and sweats about twelve hours after her shot. My husband felt no side effects.

      1. Observer*

        I encouraged my daughter to take a baby aspirin each day for two weeks, just in case.

        Please don’t do that without talking to your doctor first. These clots are weird as these things go, and you cannot treat them the way you treat most clots and blood thinners are apparently not the way to go.

    6. Filosofickle*

      It’s not just a low risk…it’s an incredibly low risk. Less than one in a million. Congrats!

    7. Dr.KMnO4*

      I got the J&J on a Friday. Felt a little weird immediately after, though that’s probably because I HATE needles and always get lightheaded when I encounter them. That night (~8 hours after getting the shot, around 9 pm) I had chills, a headache, and full body ache. Plus my arm hurt quite a lot. Saturday I felt better, a bit tired and my arm still hurt, but no big deal. Until about 9 pm, when the chills, headache, and full body ache came back. I was tired again during the day on Sunday, but the chills, etc. didn’t return. My arm continued to hurt for about a week, though.

    8. Nicki Name*

      Mr. Name and I (woman in my 40s) both got the J&J vaccine before the pause. He had zero side effects. I had fever/chills/nausea the next day.

      The guidance on the blood clots is you can stop worrying about them after three weeks. All the known cases happened within two weeks afterward, IIRC.

      Congratulations on your impending immunity!

    9. Decidedly Me*

      Congrats on your vaccination! A friend of mine got J&J, needed to take the day after off work (fever, chills), and was fine the day after that.

    10. Not So NewReader*

      I got the J and J shot. (60 y/o). Hours 11- 23 were nothing but sleep for me.

      If you google long enough you will find many articles on why one should not get the double shot vaccines. I’d suggest you send her a few of those and call it a day. /s Or maybe not. Maybe just let it go and put it under the heading that you just learned something valuable about your friend. If you buy a house will she send you articles on why you shouldn’t buy a house. What about dogs/spouses/kids/etc? Does she have more articles about them as they appear (or not) in your life? I’d be tempted to respond, “Thanks for this. I will try to get to read them later.” Then I’d delete the email. Yeah, I have done this.

      Just my two cents but many of the people I have been talking with seem to agree for their own reasons that they prefer the J and J shot. So you are not alone you have vast company. You will probably be okay, looking at the number of shots given in ratio to the number of effected women the ratio is very tiny. It’s probably wise to just keep an eye on things in general for a few weeks and make sure your body settles in. But I would say that with any shot or medication.

    11. Yellow Warbler*

      I got J&J in early March. Felt fine for 12 hours, felt like death for the next 36, then felt fine again.

      I’ve used meds with much higher safety concerns for decades (including BCP, IUD, etc.). The media really screwed the pooch on this one.

    12. sswj*

      I had it about a month ago, and never had any issue, not even a sore arm. FWIW, I’ll be 60 in Nov (ack!) :)

    13. Alex*

      I didn’t, but I would have no problem, and I am the same age and sex as you. It just so happened that the day I went to get a vaccine, they were offering pfizer, so that’s what I got, but to be honest I kind of was hoping for the J&J so I could just be done with it.

      My close friend got J&J, and my other close friend got Astra Zeneca (she’s not in the US) and both are in the “risky” age group and are not worried about getting blood clots.

      If I were you I’d be snarky and send my friend articles about all the things she does that have a higher risk of death than the vaccines, like…riding in a car, using tampons, using birth control, existing as a human….

      You made the right choice for you! In all likelihood you will be totally fine.

    14. AL*

      Thanks everyone, for sharing your experiences. It makes me feel much better, and I’ll stop second guessing myself about my vaccine choice now.

    15. OyHiOh*

      I was originally planning to get J&J but that appointment was cancelled because of the pause. Ended up going to the FEMA site here and getting Pfizer. I COULD have waited till the end of may, when this FEMA site is doing three weeks of J&J shots, but I wanted to get my shot(s) sooner rather than later. Second doze is next week. YAY

      To your question, the risk of blood clots is shockingly low. Many orders of magnitude less than taking daily hormonal birth control. I think it’s wise to be aware that this unusual side effect can occur a week to three weeks after getting the shot, but unless a AFAB human has a family history of clots or clotting disorders, the risk is incredibly minimal. I’m glad you went ahead and got J&J and here’s to being fully vaccinated in two weeks!

    16. Not a cat*

      In my state, there’s some degree of shopping for shots happening. My niece got the J&J. She had flu-like side effects for a few days but is fine. She doesn’t have to go and get another shot and that’s a great choice for her. I got the Pfizer and am between shot 1 and shot 2. I had zero side effects (maybe a little less energetic). When I was waiting for them to let me go, post-dose. The nurse told me that women were more likely to have side effects than men, and younger women will have worse symptoms than older. Sounds like you made the right choice for yourself, so feel free to ignore the “advice”.

  39. MissGirl*

    There’s a book I’ve seen recommended here but I can’t remember the title exactly. It’s something like Children of Emotionally Troubled Parents or Immature Parents.

    2. Chilipepper*

      My library has it! Thank you!
      And they have: Recovering from emotionally immature parents : practical tools to establish boundaries and reclaim your emotional autonomy

  40. Headaches*

    Does anyone else here get headaches from weather changes, especially storms and humidity? Has your location made any difference?

    I might have the opportunity to move from a humid place to a dry one. (I want to move there for a lot of reasons, not just this one! It’s a beautiful place.)

    1. Opinions, I've Had a Few*

      Yes, I get weird headaches associated with pressure changes. I’ve lived in three different parts of the US and it hasn’t changed anything except the time of year that I get them the most.

    2. Valancy Snaith*

      Yes, I get headaches occasionally when there’s an incoming storm, or sometimes if it’s the kind of nasty “it’s supposed to rain but hasn’t for 3+ days so instead it’s just incredibly humid and miserable” type weather. I live in Eastern Ontario, but I’ve lived in a bunch of places and always had the same issue. I’ve never lived in a dry area, though, so maybe it would help?

    3. AvonLady Barksdale*

      Yup– barometric pressure changes are a huge trigger for my headaches. I have never lived in a dry climate, though, so I’m not sure if that would help! I doubt it, though, since it’s the change in pressure not the pressure itself that triggers the headaches.

      1. Opinions, I've Had a Few*

        I’ve never lived like desert dry, but I’ve lived in the Intermountain West which is certainly drier than the Midwest or the Deep South and I still had the weird headaches. They were just more middle of summer than spring/fall like I get now in the Midwest.

    4. RussianInTexas*

      Yes! Always have, since adolescence. Moved from one problematic place to another, so, no advice here, sorry.
      By now my teeth and my back react to the weather changes, not just my head.

    5. Filosofickle*

      I’ve lived in 5 states, including extremes, and where I live doesn’t seem to impact these headaches. It’s just barometric change stuff and no place has been significantly better or worse.

    6. Cheshire Cat*

      I get migraines when the barometric pressure falls. Where I live now, it’s usually the day before it rains, after we’ve had several days without rain. High humidity doesn’t trigger headaches by itself, happily, or I’d have a constant migraine all summer long!

    7. KR*

      Yes. When I lived in New England, rainy days triggered horrible migraines for me. Elevation changes also trigger migraines and joint pain for me too (and joint pain includes TMJ/jaw pain which triggers migraines so it’s a vicious cycle). For the rain, it’s related to barometric pressure changes usually. When I lived in the Mojave desert I got few migraines because it rarely rained. I live in Hawaii now which has a very stable barometric pressure despite frequent rain, so I haven’t had any rain related migraines since moving here. My husband found a really cool website that compares different locations and their level of barometric pressure changes. Someone did it for their graduate work so it’s very well researched. I’ll ask him for the link when he’s free.

      My sympathies – barometric pressure induced migraines/headaches are horrible and can really put a dent in your week.

      1. KR*

        https://securevideo.com/2016/03/18/global-barometric-variation-annual-maps-and-monthly-raw-data/ – this is globally, and update to the original
        https://securevideo.com/2013/10/07/avoiding-migraines-resulting-from-changes-in-barometric-pressure/ – more focused on the US. This tracks for my anecdotal experience as I’m relatively near Honolulu and have had no pressure induced migraines since landing on the island, despite variable weather. When I lived near Boston, every first rainy day was horrible and put me in bed (seeing auras, pain so bad I was nauseas/throwing up, unable to look at screens, barely able to drive) but it it kept raining for a few days I would be functional after the first day.

        I don’t remember if this is the original page we looked at (hubs is unavailable to ask) but it has all the same data. I must have been wrong about the graduate work aspect.

        1. Christmas Carol*

          So can I reference this to get a doctor’s prescription to move to Hawaii for my migraines , and will that be covered by my health insurance, after the deductable, of course.

    8. PostalMixup*

      Yep. And there’s something particular about the city I live in that’s especially bad. My headaches magically clear up whenever I leave and return within an hour of my return. My headache specialist said she’s had patients who choose to move to another part of the country because theirs are so intractable.

  41. Free Meerkats*

    Tips for dealing with the first Mother’s Day without Mom? It’s only been 5 weeks since she died.

    1. fposte*

      I’m so sorry, Gene. I know what a loving son you’ve been.

      Is there something that your mom, in her heyday, would have enjoyed, or some kind of act or service (definitely not limiting that to the religious) that she’d have found meaningful? Can you do that as a tribute? I donated money to a school my dad had volunteered at right after he died, and that meant a lot to me, like he was still making a difference through me.

    2. Kitty Mama*

      Ah, I’m so sorry. That’s a big loss. First, try to be really really gentle with yourself. If there’s any negative talk going on in your head (sometimes grief brings that out), just say to it that you see it, and you’re going to let it go. Sometimes that can help. I also found that little rituals helped, like lighting a candle (nothing to do with religion, just helped me). Reading something Mom would have liked or watching her favorite show. Caution with those, though — they may make you feel worse. It’s all experimentation and none of us have practice at this! Also: don’t forget to eat. Last tip — it’s hard, but try to be patient and kind when people say stupid things. They (almost certainly) mean well. I am sending you warm thoughts.

    3. Valancy Snaith*

      Last year was the first Mother’s Day without my mom, although it’s been a terrible day for me for years.

      Staying off social media was the big one–that day, the whole weekend, basically. I tried to keep very busy and focus on other things all day, other people might find some solace in doing something they would have enjoyed with their mother. I think accepting from the outset that it’s going to be a hard day goes a long way in making it less awful. The enormous wave is still going to clobber you, but it’s easier when you see it coming and it’s not a surprise, compared to when you just get clobbered out of the blue.

    4. Paris Geller*

      I’m sorry.

      I lost my mom 13 years ago, and the one thing I’ve found is that every holiday/birthday/anniversary of the death is different. Some years I’m better than others. Some years I just stay in bed all day. However you feel is valid–do what feels best on that day. I say that because there are times when I don’t feel as bad as I think I will, and then sometimes I feel bad for not feeling worse–does that mean I didn’t love my mom enough? My thoughts start spiraling. Outside of that time frame I can say of course it doesn’t mean that, grief is weird, etc., but when you’re in that place on holidays it can be hard to be logical. So be prepared to feel a lot different than you think you will. Don’t be afraid to lean in to whatever gives you comfort, and change your strategy if it’s not working. There is nothing wrong with spending the day inside grieving, but there’s also nothing wrong with being active and doing what gives you comfort.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Yep. This and adding bold letters to “change your strategy if it’s not working”.
        One year I released a balloon that said “I love you”. Well, the balloon did not go upward. It went up just so high and then hung there. For a very long time. Looking back on it, I can laugh now but at the time I cried. I wanted to see it disappear. NO more balloon releases for me.
        Not everything works, just keep trying different and well-chosen things.

        I read somewhere and found it very helpful that doctors believe it is in the loss of our parents that our own down hill spiral begins. This made so much sense to me. And I kind of read it as validation, “yeah, this is a bfd!”.
        Self-care is super important. Eat good foods, hydrate, rest and take walks even if they are short walks and only a few times a week. Walking helps us to reconnect with life and ironically can help us sort our lives out. Grief is a huge energy drain and our bodies can lose vitamins and minerals at an incredible clip. You might enjoy/get benefit from veggie drinks and/or drinks with electrolytes in them. Another supportive activity I found was to read about grief- learn the stages of grief, the symptoms of grief and how grief can manifest.
        I walked into Target and busted out crying. Armed with what I had read in the grief books I knew I was not losing my marbles. I knew that this is actually pretty normal. So I just gently persuaded myself to work it through.

        Just speaking for myself, I saw that every three months I had changed a bit. So the 3rd month was different than the 1st month and the 6th month was different from the 3rd month. Things change and that is okay. I think the first two years without my last parent were the roughest. But even 5-6 years out I was still working at things. Avoid-avoid-avoid those toxic people who tell you when you should be “over it”. These are people who will not be helpful to you. If you can find a grief group and are interested you could try that. I went and found that we laughed a lot and shared stories. I felt safe and I felt cared about. These groups don’t have to be morbid and upsetting.

    5. Dark Macadamia*

      I’m sorry for your loss. Give yourself space to do/feel whatever you need that day, whether it’s staying in bed feeling sad or going out and doing something your mom would’ve enjoyed. Avoid social media if seeing other people’s photos, memes, etc is likely to make things harder for you.

    6. Cheshire Cat*

      I’m so sorry for your loss.

      Plan to do something low-key but fun, and give yourself permission to do something else if you find that doing it is too hard. White water rafting or training for a marathon may not be good activities, since you can’t quit in the middle! But a walk or jog around the block would be okay, and you can keep going if you want.

      I don’t remember what I did on my first Father’s Day without my dad, but as someone else mentioned, staying off social media for a few days was key—I didn’t want to see ads for Father’s Day gifts that year so stayed away for a week.

      Let yourself be sad or however you feel that day—and if your planned activity doesn’t sound appealing, do something else. And it doesn’t have to be productive—whatever you need to do to get you through the day.

      IME the first year was the hardest. You might want to take vacation days if you can on your mom’s birthday & the year-day of her passing (or not, ymmv). I didn’t plan for that and ended up calling in sick both days bc I couldn’t handle doing normal things either day.

    7. RagingADHD*

      Aw, I’m so sorry. The best thing we did for the “firsts” after losing mom (Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, Mother’s Day, etc) was to do everything differently. We didn’t do any of the traditions we grew up with, but did different ones instead—different food, different music, going to different services/events, or gathering with a larger or slightly different group of relatives and/or friends.

      Everyone’s feelings are different, but for us that helped delay the awful moment of missing Mom in her regular spot, until the year after when everything wasn’t so fresh and raw. It also helped give something new to look forward to, and took a bit of planning and discussion, which was a pleasant distraction. We were fortunate in that everyone in the immediate family thought it was a good idea to try, so there was no contention about it.

      Your options may be limited by covid conditions, but I hope whatever you try is helpful for you, and I wish you a healthy and peaceful time as you mourn.

    8. Cruciatus*

      I’m in a similar boat. My mom died in March. Then suddenly it was Easter. This past Thursday would have been her 78th birthday, now Mother’s Day is coming (no way to miss it based on commercials, emails, signs at the store, etc.), then a week and a half later, my 40th birthday, then 3 days after that what would have been her and dad’s 48th wedding anniversary. UGH. It’s a lot in such a short period of time.

      I hope you have people around you that will let you feel whatever you need to feel. I’m trying to do this for myself. I wish my family talked about her more or checked in on me but unfortunately we’re not a very emotionally in tune family. Mother’s Day will probably be just another day and I haven’t decided if that’s good or bad yet.

      I’m sorry for your loss.

    9. NoLongerYoung*

      Sending you a virtual hug. All of the above is so helpful – I just want to say +1 but let you know I’m thinking of you.

    10. Claritza*

      I sent Mother’s Day flowers to my sister and sisters in who are all great Moms. They were grieving, too and I think it helped all of us.

  42. Project Manager*

    Hi everyone!

    I’ve been having some issues with dizziness. A few weeks ago I woke up in the middle of the night with nausea and vertigo. During the next couple of days whenever I turned from one side quickly I would get the vertigo again. It did go away. I made an appt with my PCP who was pretty dismissive and said I probably didn’t eat enough and was stressed. Now, a couple weeks later the same thing is happing. I’m getting dizzy randomly and my stomach hurts/have headaches. Yesterday it started again and I feel better today. Can anyone recommend where yo start medically for this? Not sure if I am overreacting, but I’ve never experienced this before. Any dizziness and stomach issues I can always relate back to why I happened. Thanks!

    1. merope*

      With the caveat that I am not a medical doctor, I have had a similar type of experience. where changing the position of my head caused vertigo. (It made going to the dentist quite a trip, let me tell you!) I was diagnosed with benign positional vertigo — apparently the fluid in your ears that reports your balance can get out of whack (in my case, probably thicker and therefore less quick to respond?). To fix it, my doctor recommended a set of exercises in which I basically sat on the edge of the bed, facing away from the bed itself, and threw myself backwards as fast as I could, after which I rapidly turned my head from side to side, pausing briefly in between. However, I didn’t get stomach aches or headaches, so this may not be the same kind of thing.

      1. RagingADHD*

        I also had BPV, from either allergies or an ear infection filling up my ears with fluid, combined with sleeping at a funny angle so that the crystals in the inner ear floated out of proper position. The exercises that put them back in place are called the Epley Maneuver, and it’s best if you have someone to help you in case of nausea, because the process can make the vertigo much worse before everything settles.

        I sometimes get a little vertigo again during an allergy attack, and turning my head quickly can certainly trigger it, sometimes to the point that I’m scared to drive because I can’t look over my shoulder quickly to check my blind spot.

        Other options instead of or addition to the Epley moves would be getting your Eustachian tubes to drain, or drying up the fluid with decongestants. Sometimes if it’s a lot of fluid the decongestants just make it thicker, so opening the tubes can be a better course. To do that, you want to reduce inflammation with NSAIDS, and take an expectorant like Mucinex to thin the fluid. Lots of warm drinks, possibly a hot shower, and applying heat and massaging the sides of the neck below your ears can all help, too.

      3. Pennyworth*

        My friend does those exercises, she says they make her feel nauseous initially but do help with the dizziness. Definitely ask a doctor if the dizziness might be related to your inner ear.

    2. fposte*

      One easy possibility would be positional vertigo—that’s a very common cause of dizziness and that dizziness can lead to nausea. Did she check you for that at all? You might look up the Epley maneuver on YouTube to see if it helps (it can move the otoliths back into place); it’s just changing body and head positions in a particular sequence so it’s NBD if it’s wrong. But don’t assume you don’t have BPV if it doesn’t work—it’s never worked for me but my BPV settles down on its own.

    3. llamaswithouthats*

      Also with a caveat that I’m a random stranger on the Internet who isn’t a doctor, I’ve had issues with positional vertigo in the past and it helped to go to an ENT doctor to get an Epley maneuver done. You could potentially do it at home, but it didn’t work for me until I got it done by a professional because the angles need to be exact. For some context, positional vertigo is caused by ear crystals that get loose in your inner ear. I also recommend sleeping with your head elevated on stacked pillows and trying not to move around too much.

      However, I’m not sure what could be causing the stomach issues.

      1. llamaswithouthats*

        I also want to add, I also experienced my PCP at the time dismissing my symptoms at the time. Idk why but general practitioners don’t seem to recognize vertigo properly or don’t think they are worth addressing. I recommend calling the office and just asking for a list of referrals to either an ENT or physical therapists office to get the Epley procedure done.

        1. AvonLady Barksdale*

          It happened to me recently and it was absolutely awful. I developed a low-grade fever to go with the nausea and dizziness. I’m really sorry that’s a regular thing for you!

          1. Not a cat*

            There’s an inhaler for nausea, Emesyl Plus. You can get it from Amazon and for me, it beats anything the doctor has prescribed. I take it along with Bonine for vertigo. It’s the combo that makes conditions tolerable. Sometimes I get a fever also. This is going to sound weird, but they pass quicker if you don’t fight them. Fast for 24 hours and just be prepared to lay around for that time.

      1. Juneybug*

        I came here to say the same thing – ear infection. Few years ago, I had a sinus infection that turned into an ear infection. I was dizzy, nauseated, and pretty miserable over a few weeks. The Dr was so stunned that I could breathe as my sinus was fully congested – so I wasn’t your typical infection case. I never had a runny nose, just dizzy and nauseated. It took two rounds of antibodies to get it under control.
        You didn’t ask but when a Dr is dismissive, it’s time to find another doctor. While stress and poor eating can cause issues, they should have followed up with tests to rule out possible causes.
        Good luck! I hope you feel better soon!

    6. Not So NewReader*

      Things that drove my vertigo:

      fake sugars
      regular sugar
      dairy products
      gluten
      dehydration

      Yeah, it took me a while to find them all.

    7. Schmitt*

      I had vertigo and my doctor who is also a chiropracter cracked my neck up and it went away. I did not have nausea.

    8. Skeeder Jones*

      For people who have never had vertigo, they can be quick to dismiss how life-altering it could be. I had one prolonged (5 months) bout with it where I couldn’t be around large groups of people because their movement would trigger an episode. That one eventually went away on its own.

      My next major bout was the result of a car accident and I was able to get acupuncture. It wasn’t a quick fix but it did eventually fix it.

      My current bout is from the covid vaccine. Yay! It’s been gradually getting better but it is still present. I’m going to try to wait it out but will turn to acupuncture if it doesn’t resolve on its own.

      1. llamaswithouthats*

        I also had a 5 month episode and the dismissive ness was so off putting.

    9. ImOnlyHereForThePoetry*

      Check with an ENT. Extra fluid in your ears can cause vertigo (look up Ménière’s disease which can lead to hearing loss.). In the mean time, hydrate and reduce your salt intake. A low salt diet (about 1200 mg a day) may help.

    10. Anonbeth*

      No real advice, but sympathy re your dismissive pcp. Mine reacted the same way when I went in for a similar issue, told me it was anxiety. I checked with a therapist and documented my symptoms for six months, came back to my pcp like hey it’s still happening and therapist says it isn’t anxiety, and the pcp denied having ever said that (they’d said it in writing, whoops). If you go back to your pcp, especially if you bring a symptom log and maybe a food log since they blamed it on diet, they maaay take you more seriously…or at least seriously enough to give you a referral to someone who will.

      Anyway, the above comments sound like they’re on the right track, but if you need other possibilities try looking up: postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome (POTS), orthostatic intolerance, vasovagal syncope or neurologic syncope, and dysautonomia (dysautonomia is kind of a catchall). Those all manifest with more of a fainting-dizziness than a vertigo-dizziness, but sometimes the difference is hard to draw a line on. Good luck! Also be careful about neck cracking, it can go wrong.

    11. CJM*

      I’ve had bad vertigo twice due to inner-ear problems. When I felt the dizziest, I’d get queasy if I didn’t lie still with my eyes closed. Could your stomach discomfort be mild nausea?

      My GP wasn’t dismissive, thank goodness. It took a few weeks to go away entirely (I think it was viral and had to run its course). I remember trying not to turn my head quickly; that could really set things off.

      1. Girasol*

        That was me when I got it. I was fine if I stayed in bed and didn’t move, but as soon as I moved at all, bam! Motion sickness: nausea and headache. Fortunately I got over it in a day or so. My husband gets something like this – his doctor says it’s just little flakes of tissue that come loose in the inner ear – and he’s dizzy for a couple weeks sometimes. And then it goes away with no more serious effects.

    12. EngineerGal*

      I once had labyrinthitis-a virus that affected the inner ear. Lasted for about a month-felt like I was dizzy and carsick all the time. At the time there was no treatment.

      A bunch of people at work had it which was oddly comforting-at least knowing it was really a thing and that it would end. My primary care dr did diagnose it, maybe cause it was going around. Just a datapoint.

    13. Wireknitter*

      As many others have mentioned, BPPV, positional vertigo. Depending on which canal the loose crystals are in the vertigo can present differently. Mine is spinning, but I have friends who experience a sliding or tilting feeling. My first PCP brushed it off, but the one I changed to got it right and gave me the Epley maneuver to try. It just made me worse, but some other exercises helped.

    14. Dancing Otter*

      Not a doctor, just someone who also has dizzy spells sometimes.

      Dehydration was the first thing my PCP suggested for light-headed-ness and dizziness. I was newly on a diuretic for hypertension, the first few episodes. But dehydration can happen to anyone. Tea, preferably decaf or herbal, could also help with congestion in the inner ear/Eustachian tubes, as others have mentioned.

      Low blood pressure, likewise on the medication change. I have a wrist cuff to check my BP now. Sure enough, when I thought I was going to keel over the other night, I was way lower than usual. (I may need my dosage adjusted after significant weight loss.)

      Low or high blood sugar, either one. Ever had a sugar rush? Does what’s been happening feel anything like that?

      Go back to the doctor. If it’s a group practice, see if one of the other doctors has a convenient opening instead of Dr. Dismissive. Maybe it isn’t anything to worry about. But maybe it is.

    15. Katefish*

      Had terrible vertigo years ago and even got it misdiagnosed by a condescending ER doc as a panic attack. Turns out urgent care correctly diagnosed it as ragweed allergy. Could be many things, though… I’d get a second opinion. Good luck!

  43. Dark Macadamia*

    What are some fun subreddits to follow? I enjoy stuff like TOMT and whatsthatbook, OldPhotosInRealLife, and some craft ones. Basically low-effort entertainment and positive/wholesome communities.

    1. twocents*

      I like NatureisFuckingLit because it’s literally just cool pics of nature. I also follow explainlikeimfive because sometimes you just want to know something without having to first learn 20 other things.

    2. Valancy Snaith*

      If you like OldPhotosInRealLife, you may also like ColorizedHistory and TheWayWeWere. I like to browse through SuggestMeABook and InterestingAsF*ck sometimes as well.

    3. Yellow Warbler*

      Miniworlds and book books for tiny and/or literary scenes.

      CozyPlaces and CozierPlaces for realistic, affordable decor ideas.

      FreeEBOOKS for the obvious.

      Otherwise, I use it as a learning resource. Most of my subs are for nutrition, home repair, investing, and coding.

  44. Paris Geller*

    Does anyone have suggestions on really great book storage? Willing to buy new bookshelves/cases/etc., so specific product recommendations are welcome.

    I’m a very big reader. I own many hundreds books that I love and don’t want to part with. My boyfriend is also a very big reader. He owns hundreds of books he doesn’t want to part with. We’re moving in together, and the big question is–where do we put all the books? We could definitely use suggestions!

    Caveat: I’m looking for storage, not downsizing advice. I will be going through and donating books I no longer have any interested in, as will he, but both of us like having books and we both re-read. It’s worth it to us to have a big book collection, even if it means sacrificing the space for something else. In our ideal life we would have room for a library, but for now we’ll be living in a one bedroom apartment so we have to work with what we have.

    2. Dark Macadamia*

      If you don’t have space for a lot of shelves, maybe a bed with storage drawers underneath? They wouldn’t be on display but still easily accessible.

    3. fposte*

      Options are dependent on budget, landlord permissions, and aesthetic tolerances. However, classic moves are double-shelving books (so that every shelf has two rows, one in front and one in back), putting shelves up in every available space (I’ve seen some over-window bookshelves, like in an RV), and yer professor favorite of floor to ceiling built-ins.

      I don’t see it around any more so much, but I got a ton of use out of several sets of lightweight adjustable metal shelving; they had solid shelves rather than the kitchenware grating, but they weren’t the super-husky garage shelving that weighs half a ton. An easier to obtain equivalent is adjustable pine shelving like the Ikea Ivar. Those shelves are deep, so they’d be great if you want to double-shelve.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Those light weight metal shelving units were not what they were cracked up to be. We bought too many. I found I could bend the shelf with my foot. (This was handy for bending the shelf back once the item on it bent it initially.)
        Those plastic shelves that are sold in Home Depot or Lowes for workshops or garages seem pretty strong. And you can take them with you to your next place.

        1. fposte*

          Ha, it’s true about the bending—mine definitely changed their shape a little over the years. But if the weight was evenly distributed they were fine. I got several decades out of mine.

      2. Jules the First*

        I have the narrow Ivar ones and find them perfect for double-shelving. It’s also easy yo adjust the height of each shelf so you can fit more shelves into the same height by making shelves that are just barely taller than the books that live in that row.

      3. Lobsterp0t*

        Ivar comes in two depths too – the shallower one is definitely deep enough for a double layer. The deeper one is D E E P.

    4. Not A Manager*

      I like the Ikea Billy series. I think they come in 8″ depth and 12″ depth but I don’t remember exactly. If you need deeper shelves, the Besta series has deeper shelves and I think they are thicker also, suitable for heavier items.

      We used to have a million books. In addition to book shelf towers in appropriate locations, we also lined our hallway with low, shallow shelves (the 8″ deep ones) to store our paperbacks/pulp fiction.

      Other good options for “hidden” book storage (especially for books you want to keep but don’t necessarily read regularly) – walk-in closets behind hanging clothes, upper closet shelves that aren’t convenient for actual clothing, double lining shallow books on deep shelves (good if you have some deep lower cabinets). Sometimes you can fit more books onto a shelf if you stack them vertically on their sides so they use the full height of the shelf.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I second the Billys — another nice thing about them is that, unlike many similarly styled bookshelves, you can get extra shelves for Billys to minimize vertical wasted space. Looking at a bookshelf with 12-15″ shelves, when the books on the shelf are normal paperback sized (so what, 7″ or so tall?) drives me absolutely buggy, and for the longest time I actually stacked my books horizontally on shelves because I could fit more of them in the same width space that way. But now I have Billy shelves, and each one has like three extra shelves in it – none of my shelves has more than about 2″ of empty vertical space now.

      2. Teatime is Goodtime*

        The Billy shelves are not what they used to be! We bought two short ones a couple of years ago and double stuffing them with books caused the inserted shelf pieces to warp within about a year. The ones my parents bought 20 years ago are still up and running with even heavier stacking. I was really disappointed. :(

        1. pancakes*

          That is disappointing. I have six of them that have held up pretty well and was thinking of getting a couple of the new-ish navy blue ones with doors. I don’t quite double stuff them, though.

        2. Not A Manager*

          I can’t tell from your post how wide those units are, but you might try getting a 2″ diameter dowel cut to the exact height of the shelf, and prop it up in the middle of the span. I’ve had to do that with good-quality, wood shelves in the past when we overloaded them with hardcovers.

    5. MissCoco*

      For odd-shaped walls/areas, building shelves is the best way to maximize space used. My first place had attic ceilings, so the only way walls were fully useful was If I cut shelves that got longer moving down the wall.
      I used 1/2” pine boards cut to length at the hardware store, and metal brackets. I had to buy a stud finder, and heavy duty wall anchors for any screws that weren’t going into studs.

      It did make me nervous when my boyfriend and his book collection moved in, so we only ever stored paperbacks and normal sized hardcover books on it, and used actual book shelves for his heaviest and largest books
      I made two sets of shelves when my boyfriend and his book collection moved in.

      1. pancakes*

        Yes – in an old apartment I put up a long, long shelf the entire length of one wall, high up, for books I don’t often need access to. A stud finder is pretty inexpensive and hugely important!

    6. Fellow Traveller*

      We use one of our closets for books. It was a hallway linen closet so it already had shelving in it. We call it our “library”, which makes us chuckle.
      Another thing I’ve wanted to do, but we just haven’t yet, is to install shelving on our basement and living room walls, running around the top of of the walls and above doors. I always thought that would look so cool to have books stored in a shelf up high like that.

    7. The New Wanderer*

      My book collecting roommate had two giant book cases that were floor-to-almost-ceiling height (so 7-8 feet high? we had high ceilings) and as wide. They basically covered the longest wall in the largest room we had. It was really impressive looking, but I don’t think it would work in a smaller space – too overwhelming and it makes that part of the room pretty dark.

      I’m currently staring at my bookshelves which are mixed vertical and horizontal stacking. I think double-shelving is good for reducing the space taken up, but I tend to forget what’s in the back row. Ideally you could get half-shelf-wide risers to prop the back rows of books up 3-4″ so you can see the tops at least, but if you don’t care it’s also really useful for storing the less-often-read books.

    8. Aealias*

      If you OWN, you can cut into interior non-load-bearing walls. Solid wall on one side, recessed shelving on the other. They’re often deep enough to inset paperback shelving. My parents made a library out of a hallway this way.

    9. Kiwiapple*

      If you are able to do so (i.e. own the apartment or have a great landlord and have the space) then Billy bookshelves around the door frames – or just above the doors but they look pretty cool down each side of the door and above

    10. HannahS*

      Use vertical space. I have no time in my life for short bookshelves! If a wall is too narrow for a bookshelf, great! I’ll hang shelves myself. I’m pretty sure you just need a stud-finder and a drill.

      I don’t go super high-end. Billy bookcases from Ikea are decent. The Kallax series is good as well, and is often deep enough for two layers of books. The Ivar series, which I think is meant to be pantry storage, is great because it’s flexible–you can arrange the shelves to also acommodate any media players (TV, speakers, etc.) in addition to books.

      The other thing to consider is this: I have a lot of fairly small paperbacks. It’s a much better use of space for me to stack them vertically in the bookshelf, because I can fit about ten of them in the horizontal space that I’d usually fit four.

    11. Girasol*

      I worked for awhile in the library of a very poor school where the librarian had made all the shelving out of stacked milk crates, either placed up against the wall or back to back as free-standing shelves. Those aren’t as available as they once were but a lot of the home stores sell storage cubes that are almost the same thing.

    12. I take tea*

      Definitely double-shelving, but do not do triple shelving, even if it fits. I tried that with pocket books, but it just led to me either not picking a book or definitely never putting it back.

      We have a lot of IKEAs Ivar-shelves, they are very easy to adapt to different spaces, all you need is a basic hand saw.

      We also have shelves behind the bed, people say you shouldn’t have books in the bedroom, but I find it soothing.

    13. Peter*

      This is only really helpful if you’re somewhere permanent, but I spoke with a local furniture maker and got an entire wall of shelving made in light pine.
      It is technically freestanding, but was attached together in situ and has about a 2cm gap at the top.
      The first two units are about 60cm deep – so big enough for my game collection on one side and three piles of books in the middle, with the space to move piles around to pick them.
      The third unit is half the depth because the airing cupboard door opens onto it.
      It sounds expensive, but only cost about £1000 (in the UK) and I think it was well worth the money, especially with them measuring in advance, delivering and installing it in high quality thick wood.

  45. Dr.KMnO4*

    Any advice on finding a good contractor?

    Background
    My husband and I want to finish our basement. We live in a fairly rural area, but we’re ~10 minutes away from two larger towns, and ~30 minutes away from a mid-size city. I got a referral from one of my colleagues for a contractor from the mid-size city, but I’ve left 3 voicemails and he hasn’t called me back. I found a couple of contractors in one of the larger towns and left voicemails, but neither have called me back. Every time I leave a voicemail I say something like, “My name is [Dr.KMnO4]. My husband and I are looking for someone to finish our basement. My phone number is [recite phone number clearly and slowly]. Thank you.”

    My questions are as follows:
    1. Should I be providing more information when I leave a voicemail, such as the town I live in?
    2. I’ve been calling between 9 am and 5 pm. Should I call outside of business hours?
    3. How far away is it reasonable to search? Should I call a contractor whose location (according to Google Maps) is 45 minutes away or more?

    We have a pretty good idea of what we want, though we know that this is not our area of expertise. We are willing to change our plan based on cost, as well as what the contractor thinks is feasible. I’m hoping to get at least 2 quotes, ideally 3 or more, so that we can make a more informed decision.

    1. Enough*

      1) Maybe. Something that gives an idea of the size of the project.
      2) Don’t think this matters but you could indicate when you will take a call back. Let them know they can call you after 5 pm.
      3) 45 minutes is usually not too far.
      Unfortunately what you are experiencing doesn’t seem to be unusual. My son had the same problem getting response to talk about his backyard make over.

      1. Dr.KMnO4*

        Your answer to #1 is a good point. I really wasn’t thinking about the fact that some basements are small and some are huge. It would probably help to give them an idea of what size project we’re talking about.

    2. fposte*

      In my experience, contractors, especially those without office managers, suck at admin. That’s especially true if they’re in an up time when they have all the work they can handle, and you’re not, like, a landlord with work in 20 units to offer. I wouldn’t at all be surprised if you got a call back in a few months, or if you got a callback never, which is the contractor version of a soft no.

      Be patient, call others, and move your timeline out. It’s not my favorite answer, but it’s the one that I’ve found to be realistic.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        So very much agree.

        My friend is a contractor and so he tells me about what he and friends are going through. A good number of contractors have their work lined up by January or February. So even if you got them the earliest they can get to your project is fall or next year.

        And contractor business is booming, at least around here. This is interesting because lumber is 4 times the price it was last (?) year. With that in mind, it might be a worthwhile gamble to wait and see if lumber prices go down once covid lets up.

        Small consolation- there are times where I cannot even get my own friend to come help me. I have wait sometimes months for him to have the time. So this is a beast that even friendship does not conquer.

        Some overall tips that I have learned from my friend:
        Pay promptly. They need money upfront for materials. And they need to start paying their help. Pay in increments. When the project is done pay up as agreed.
        Never underestimate the power of being pleasant. You can ask for what you want- that is not the problem. The determining factor is basic respect and overall willingness to work with the contractor.
        If you don’t understand why something has to be done a certain (costly) way then ask. A lot of people cut straight to frustration and yelling. It’s okay to just simply ask.

        Construction is a horrible arena. You either work or you do not get paid. I have read articles that show how much of the opioid crisis is centered around the construction arena. These are folks who are pushed to their max. Their bodies ache and sometimes they get injured and they have to keep working. There’s lots of overmedicating going on and time off for the doc is not allowed in many instances. This is all good to know, because you can be that person with a fresh pot of coffee in the morning and ice waters in the afternoon. Simple things will go a long way once you find your contractor. And if they like you, later they will turn down other work to do a project for you instead. The nice people land well here.

        I am not sure the size of your project. There are people who call themselves a “handyman”. You might be able to find a handyperson who would come quicker than a regular contractor and agree to do your project.
        Sometimes these people have a network of people, so if you need electric done, they can call an electrician friend who will come. You might be able to piece something together this way rather than waiting for a “contractor” to show up. What is nice here is that they work with each other. So my contractor friend needed some fill to level off my yard. He called is friend who coincidentally was removing a lot of soil from a job he had. His friend was delighted to dump the soil here in my yard rather than cart it 20 miles further to dump it. My own friend patiently explained to me that if we wanted another load we’d have to pay for the first load on delivery. So each time the truck showed up we gave the driver $200. And sure enough the driver came again, and again. We got 4 loads- over 88 ton before my friend decided that was probably enough. That worked out super great for all of us.

        When you find a contractor you like, be sure to let him know that you will be calling again. Return customers who are nice are just the bomb. You will find that they will cut other people and take your work before other work.

        1. Dr.KMnO4*

          Thank you for the detailed response! I didn’t know that lumber prices had skyrocketed. That’s definitely something we will take into consideration. As far as timeline goes, it makes sense that contractors have work lined up well in advance. My husband and I don’t have a hard and fast deadline. This is a “want it to happen in the relatively near future” project, not a “need it to happen right away” project. If we find someone we like, there are definitely other projects we are considering.

          We definitely will treat them well. I have family members in the service industry, and I’ve worked retail/service industry jobs in the past, so I know the value of good customers. It’s especially important to treat workers well when it comes to hard manual labor jobs like construction. I never understand people who yell at service workers for normal work things. It’s definitely not going to make the worker want to do anything more than the bare minimum from that point on.

          I think our project is larger than a handyman project. We want a half-bath (thankfully the previous owners had the plumbing set up when they built the house) and we’ll probably need a fair bit of electrical work, too. If I don’t get any bites from contractors, though, I will look into it.

      2. Dr.KMnO4*

        Your point about not being great with admin stuff makes sense. I know a lot of small business owners that are great at what they do but not great at paperwork. We don’t have a hard and fast timeline, which might be a good thing based on some of the comments.

      3. Natalie*

        Can confirm – one of my side bookkeeping clients is a contractor and he’s great at the actual building work he does but terrible at paperwork. He’s paying me, and he’s still bad at follow up.

        Unfortunately it just comes with the territory to some extent, unless you go with a big enough company to have office staff. In which case you’re paying for that overhead. You kind of have to pick your poison.

    3. Stevie Budd*

      We’re still in progress so I can’t comment on how well it worked, but we found our contractor, and a few others for bids, on NARI’s website. I filled out forms on the contractor websites and they got back to me.

    4. Might be Spam*

      Check the circuit court for your state. I didn’t do that. My contractor had 21 cases filed against him. Yet he was able to provide great references from his friends. A 6 week job took 2 years and I had to get another contractor to finish his work. I now know two other people who regretted hiring him. They knew that he was working for me but didn’t ask me how it was going. He never finished their jobs either.

    5. e2*

      If you have purchased your house recently, even within five or six years, the real estate agent can be a good source for referrals.

    6. Spice for this*

      Just wanted to mention that, if you decide to contact a handyman, I recommend finding one on Thumbtack.

    7. Idyllic Gulag*

      1) Yes, mention the town you live in, project type, and a decent overview of specifics (will major plumbing/electrical work be required, etc)

      2)Please don’t. While construction work frequently starts early and ends late, going outside of regular posted business hours with communication before you’ve even signed a contract won’t endear you to a potential contractor.

      3) 45 minutes away is nothing for the right job. Also, if you’re in an area where work is hot, calling contractors outside your immediate location may yield better results.

      A few comments on vetting a contractor – most states’ contractor’s licensing boards I’m familiar with have online portals to search by name or license number. This can be a wealth of information as far as history, complaints, related entities, and administrative actions against a contractor. In my state, it will also display related licenses currently or formerly held by key organization members, which helps prevent the “scam a bunch of customers, dissolve the company, and reincorporate under a new name” cycle. Cross-referencing what you find against the state’s business licensing registry can yield even more relevant info.

      The mere existence of a complaint or administrative action isn’t necessarily a deal-breaker for me – a company may not have filed their renewal paperwork on time, or they may have been dealing with a genuinely unreasonable client. A pattern of complaints and actions is a red flag though.

      Finding a competent, reliable GC can be a challenge. As someone indicated above, there’s more work out there than most decent contractors can handle, so they’re able to cherry-pick jobs. The shortage of skilled labor in the trades is also very real – I’ve been in a position to hire everyone from unskilled laborers on up to highly skilled 6-figure positions, and it’s a struggle to find people at every level.

      I’ve worked construction my entire adult life, and prior to my current role with a large commercial subcontractor, I spent several years as a project manager for a few small-to-medium residential contractors. I could probably write a book on the ins-and-outs of selecting contractors, budgeting jobs, workflow/operations, etc, so in the interest of not writing an even more massive block of text, if there’s any particular questions you have, I’m happy to answer them.

    8. ShinyPenny*

      It’s a busy time for construction right now! This sounds pretty normal. But here are some ideas-

      Make it as easy as possible for them to call you back: Call from the (unblocked) number that you want to be called back on. If they have to write down your number and then manually dial you, the odds are worse!

      I do think it’s helpful to give a general location, like, “between Town A and Town B” or, “about 5 miles north of Town A.” If your location happens to be close to where they already have to be next Tuesday, you want them to know that.

      You might want to include a clearer ask? Maybe, “We’d like to schedule a visit when you have time, discuss the project and get an estimate/bid if you are interested. We are not in a big rush, but would like to get the job on someone’s schedule.” Maybe add a sentance summing up size/scope, too.

      Also, it’s possible that they start pretty early in the morning. You might get an answer if you call while they’re driving? My plumber last week, for instance, mentioned meeting his crew at the shop a 7:30, before heading for the jobsite together. I think calling at eight am would be normal hours for construction.

  46. nep*

    I use way too much paper towel. Looking to wean myself off of them, or at least drastically reduce my usage. I have seen a lot of cute ‘paper towel alternatives’ out there; Etsy sellers have some interesting things, and I like supporting people on Etsy. For now I’ve just put some simple white terry cloth rags on the kitchen counter to use. Even with that, I’m at least using fewer paper towels; just being more conscious of it is helping.
    I might just stick with these cloths, but I’d love to hear ways people have reduced paper towel use.

    2. Chilipepper*

      I have clothe kitchen towels in a few spots in the kitchen to use instead of paper towels.

      I also started buying paper towels from “Who Gives a Crap” (they have recycled and bamboo toilet paper too) so at least when I use them, I am using a more environmentally friendly version.

      I also keep a basket near the sink. Any paper towel that has some life in it, that can be left to dry and use for a big mess, goes in the basket so it can be used again. No one else in the house will use those but I find I can get a couple of uses from many of them.

      1. nep*

        Good ideas.
        For the types of paper towel, it’s not so much the idea of towels being made from recycled or sustainable materials; it’s that most products are not recyclable.

    3. Not A Manager*

      I have a stack of thin cotton table napkins, in additional to cotton tea towels. I like them because they are absorbent but thin enough to dry quickly for additional use. We keep a small basket on the floor for used kitchen linens.

    4. Redhairedrunner*

      I have a bunch of cheap kitchen towels from ikea and target that I use in place of paper towels and wash with hot water once a week. They will get stained so don’t use nice towels. Occasionally I still use paper towels or napkins if something is super greasy.

    5. Dark Macadamia*

      Cheap cloth diapers make good rags. Not the padded prefold kind but the ones that are literally just a square of thin white material that can double as burp cloths.

      1. My Brain Is Exploding*

        YES! We were so sad when the last one of those that we had wore out! (That was when the kids were about 20. We really didn’t use them a lot for diapers, but there was a lot of burping going on.) After that we found it very difficult to find diapers that weren’t the pre-folded kind. You are right, those don’t work at all.

        1. Jules the First*

          As someone about to cloth-diaper a newborn, I have good news for you! Those still exist but are now sold as “muslin squares” and they are amazing.

          For more heavy-duty spills, look for “terries” or get yourself a set of reusable baby wipes (mine came in a kit with a dirty box, so there’s an easy, contained spot to store them without odors between using and wash day)

    6. LQ*

      Strong second on the cloth napkins.

      I grew up with rags and towels and no paper towels and they are something I always thought of as a luxury that I still think of as a luxury. I bought a pack of them like 4 years ago or so and I still have most of them in my pantry. There are a pretty limited number of things that I use them for. Biggest one is broken glass clean up. I don’t feel like you can get them clean enough so I use paper towels slightly damp to clean up broken glass and just throw it all away.

      Old clothes as rags is also a big one. Rags go through sort of 3 stages. “Good rags” when they are used for general cleaning and they can still go through the wash with regular towels. “Ehhh…rags” which really you need to have them run through the wash with only them, they get really dirty, more torn, they aren’t really good for anything off the floor or underside of things cleaning. And then garage rags, which I don’t have a need for in my life. But part of it is ehhh rags and garage rags also become last use rags at some point which is basically a paper towel. In part saying this so that you don’t throw out iffy rags early when you can move them into paper towel land. There are some dirties that just don’t come off, or …for broken glass.

      1. The New Wanderer*

        We have the same triage system for towels. Beach towels become bath towels, older bath and hand towels become the ‘good’ rag towels, then they’re either pet rags, garage rags, or textile donations. When I tried to eliminate paper towels altogether years ago, I bought what is apparently a lifetime supply of microfiber cloths at Costco – I think I’ve used 4 out of 25 so far.

        As of a few years ago, our area started expanded household compost collections and paper towels can be composted if they’re just used for food messes, so I use them for that and use the microfiber cloths for cleanups involving chemicals.

        1. My Brain Is Exploding*

          Wait. You are missing a category! After bath towels, the towels become gym towels. And in our house, dog towels come before cleaning towels. Got to have something to wipe off muddy feet.

    7. WellRed*

      I love my paper towels and feel simultaneously guilty over the waste! Same with aluminum foil for reheating in oven.

    8. RagingADHD*

      Floursack tea towels, terry towels, microfiber cloths and straight-up old rags.

    9. CTT*

      Have you tried putting your paper towels in an inconvenient/“hidden” location? I ran out of paper towels early in the pandemic when they were always out of stock, and that REALLY weaned my habit. I had already cut up some old tshirts to use around the house, and that was a real eye opener of how useful they were.

    10. Fellow Traveller*

      When do you find yourself using paper towels? That might help you figure out how to reduce your usage.
      I find that if the paper towel roll is out in plain view I may be more likely to grab one for cleaning up a mess. I feel like I should maybe hide my paper towel roll.

    11. Alex*

      One thing that helped me is to have plenty around. I have a big stack of dish towels that I use for things like drying hands and dishes, and then a stack of washcloth-like rags for wiping up messes, cleaning, dusting, etc. A large number of these are cut up old towels. I also have some cut up old T shirts that I use for this and that. I have enough that I don’t tend to run out before laundry day, and I don’t have to skimp on usage of them. Once you put these in a convenient place, it will become habit.

      I still use paper towels for a few tasks, like cleaning bacon grease out of a pan, etc. But I bought a pack of 8 before the pandemic and still haven’t gone through them.

    12. Lifelong student*

      Isn’t there a trade off- if you use fewer paper towels and more cloth you end up with more wash to do? There are many things to be wiped up which means using a cloth is a one time thing before wash- and frankly, sometimes things don’t come out in the wash! Washing and drying uses water and electricity. I have destroyed towels using them to clean certain things. I don’t actually use a lot of paper towels, but I prefer not to have to buy new towels on a regular basis as they cost more. I don’t use cloth napkins but imagine it would be the same issue- washing after almost every use so either would need a large supply or reusing soiled napkins at the dinner table. No thanks!

      1. llamaswithouthats*

        Everyone’s life is different, but I just keep enough on hand so that they get washed with my usual laundry cycles. I don’t feel I’m washing more often if I used paper towels instead.

        1. nep*

          This is how I see it–I wouldn’t envision any extra laundry cycles.
          Good point, though, Lifelong student. Always smart to look at the tradeoffs.

      2. river*

        I use white flannels so they can be bleached if needed. For most spills a quick rinse in the sink will get the mess off and you can use it a couple more times before it needs to go to the laundry. Mine generally have a long life.

      3. Not A Manager*

        I don’t use the kitchen “towel” napkins as table napkins. Our cloth table napkins get retired to the kitchen when they get too spotted. We also tend to use a sponge to wipe up actual grease and spills (that gets rinsed in the sink and/or washed in the dishwasher if necessary).

        We use the kitchen napkins and towels to dry clean dishes, wipe up water after we clean the countertops, roll up cleaned lettuce and veggies, etc. So for us, most of our kitchen linens are not one-and-done. We just hang the damp ones up to dry for another use. When they do get soiled, or are used in a way that would be unhygienic to re-use them, we pop them into the small laundry basket and wash them with our other linens when we do laundry. I doubt that having re-usable linens in our kitchen adds more than possibly one load every few weeks for our family, if that.

        I also have destroyed towels in heavy cleaning, but in our house I use the “rags” for that and not the kitchen towels. Like other posters, we have a bit of cloth-triage going on. I cut up old heavy terry towels for household rags, because they are sturdier, and use thinner, faster-drying cloth in the kitchen.

      4. Alex*

        Manufacturing paper towels also takes a lot of water and electricity, so I doubt the savings of those things is very great if you use paper towels.

    13. The teapots are on fire*

      I bought a big stack of shampoo towels from a beauty supplier. They’re black and bleach-proof, so they don’t stain. I bough restaurant towels for things like draining tofu (stuff where you don’t want lint) and sometimes they do get stained and I just deal with the sadness. These two things cut down my use a lot and cut down a lot of tension, because my SO has feelings about his dishcloths and doesn’t want them stained and this..makes no sense to me. So now we stain “my” towels and his slumber peacefully in the cabinet.

    14. Urban Prof*

      I’m right with you! In my quest to reduce paper towel use, I bought a package of Wettex cloths, and I absolutely love them. You can use them dozens of times, you can boil them to sterilize them, and when they finally give up the ghost, they’re biodegradable.

      Their advertising says that one cloth replace 15 rolls of paper towels, and I believe them.

      1. Bluebell*

        We bought a four pack of the Swedish dishcloths last year at the beginning of Covid, and they really cut down on our paper towel use.

        1. Lizzie*

          I bring home any paper serviette I have received when having lunch or coffee, and if I am with friends I will ask them for their unused serviettes too. One of my cats is a chucker, and they get used for that- so far we seem to be keeping up with each other in that regard.

    15. Jules the First*

      There was an article on Slate recently where the author was using Swedish dishcloths to cut down on paper towel usage…might be worth investigating?

      1. Urban Prof*

        The Wettex cloths I mentioned just above your comment are one brand of Swedish dishcloths. I vouch for them wholeheartedly!

    16. Pennyworth*

      I cut up and use any worn out cotton towels, t-shirts. I keep one roll of paper towel at the back of the cupboard (on the out-of-sight-out-of-mind principle) for dog&carpet emergencies.

    17. 00ff00Claire*

      I have started using cellulose sponges in the kitchen and that has helped cut down on paper towel use. If you Google Swedish Dishcloths, you will get plenty of links. They are reusable and when they do wear out, compostable. You can wash them in the washing machine, but I usually throw mine in the dishwasher with my dishes for convenience, as that gets them just as clean.

    18. paper x cloth*

      This is something I’ve been thinking about but, and this is probably a silly question, do you wipe your counters for example with a cloth, then let it dry and reuse it and so on until a certain point where it needs to be washed? It sort of feels like after I wipe/clean my counters I should wash the cloth but I wipe the counters in a day/while cooking etc. How do you handle it?

      1. Bluebell*

        With the Swedish dishcloths, I rinse after wiping, and when I run the dishwasher, I put them on the top rack. It works really well.

      2. Not A Manager*

        I wipe my counters with a sponge, either slightly damp or very lightly soapy. I dry them with a kitchen towel (otherwise they show spots), and let that air-dry. I almost always use my sponge for cleaning up spills and my towels for drying things that are mostly clean.

    19. Girasol*

      Our grocery sells super cheap dish cloths by the dozen. I can toss a dirty one in the laundry and grab another from the drawer over and over. They wash clean and last for ages.

  47. EchoGirl*

    So, Allison, what does one do if your best employee threatens to quit unless you fire his boss? Asking for a friend in Green Bay, WI…

      1. Blue Eagle*

        Ha! I thought the question was on the wrong day’s forum (Friday, not Saturday) – – till I read the 2nd sentence and broke out laughing so much that my husband tore himself away from watching the draft in the den to find out what was so funny. Thanks for a good laugh.

        1. EchoGirl*

          My pleasure. :)

          I’m actually a GB fan, but I find it completely bizarre that so many fans actually think what he’s asking is reasonable here. Framing it in this context is kind of quantifying just how bizarre the demand really is. (That and I’m one of those apparently few fans who thinks that the “organization” will be able to withstand the loss of this “employee” without imploding, so I feel like the stakes are not as high as some people think.)

    2. Llama face!*

      Just a heads up: This is the No Work weekend post. Perhaps you might have meant to post your question on the Friday open thread that is for work & school?

      1. EchoGirl*

        Yep, sorry, my mistake. Disregard. (It’s also a joke, but I did mean to post it on the work open thread.)

        1. Blue Eagle*

          No, it actually belongs on the Saturday thread as it is not work related. For those who don’t follow American football, this is a joke related to American football.

          1. EchoGirl*

            Oops. Well, now reposted it there as well. One of them has to be correct LOL

        2. Llama face!*

          Ohhh, lol. I am not a sportsball person so your reference flew right over my head.

      1. EchoGirl*

        Yep, I was hoping someone would get it. Kind of tongue-in-cheek, but it also struck me as interesting, like, how would this kind of thing play out in basically any other type of employment situation?

    4. EchoGirl*

      Sorry, got the wrong thread by mistake. Re-posted to work-related open thread.

  48. Frustrated with Funky Smells*

    Recently moved to a new apartment complex that’s supposed to be 100% smoke-free. Shocker, it is Not. Most of the time the hallway to our apartment has a very strong sort of floral smell, almost chemical-y, but at night it straight-up smells like weed. Like, strong enough you can smell it through your mask. My guess is they spray Febreeze to cover up the weed smell. I’m furious. I’m very sensitive to smells, and weed makes me nauseous. Short of leaving notes on people’s doors, any other suggestions? I already have an air purifier, but sometimes the weed smell gets into the bathroom.

    1. KoiFeeder*

      I’d tattle to the landlord, but I’m also severely allergic to weed. Landlord would probably be interested because smoke is the sort of thing that can damage apartments, anyhow.

    2. StudentA*

      The neighbors are in violation of the rules of their community. That’s inexcusable. Please call your management office ASAP and make it clear you’re not getting what you’re paying for. Be assertive. If you were allergic to dairy and a restaurant served you milk, you wouldn’t drink it. This is no less ok.

    3. Maggie*

      If its suppose to be 100% smoke free I would report it to building management. There’s nothing wrong with doing so.

    4. allathian*

      Call the building manager. Even if you’re in an area where weed is legal, someone is certainly breaking the 100% smoke-free rule.

  49. anon for this*

    Hoping for advice from other trans people who have come out to their partners. We’re locked down in a small apartment together and I haven’t told anyone else, so I’m feeling pretty isolated and stressed about it.

    It’s kind of a tricky balance because I don’t exactly want to treat it like I’m delivering devastating news, but I realize she may have complicated feelings about it. And honestly, part of my anxiety is just that once I’ve said it, it feels like I’ve made a decision I can’t reverse. Has anyone else been in a similar situation, and do you have any advice on how to make it go more smoothly? Or just some words of support would be nice too!

    2. Foreign Octopus*

      I’m not trans but I wanted to wish you luck with this. It must be both an exciting and scary time for you as you begin this next step in your journey and I hope it’s everything you ever hoped it would be and more. In the wonderful words of Captain Holt from Brooklyn 99:

      “Every time someone steps up and says who they are, the world becomes a better, more interesting place.”

      Good luck to you!

    3. Almost Academic*

      Yes! I went through this over the pandemic. First of all, make sure that you are safe and have a plan B for if things devolved – that should go without saying. I hope it doesn’t, but you never know. My situation was likely a little different from yours because my partner has dated trans and enby people in the past (so I knew he wouldn’t outright reject me). Regardless, I still felt so alone and anxious, in part because my partner and his last long-term partner broke up as they transitioned, so there was a lot of emotions that it was likely to bring up.

      I think what helped the most for both of us was including him in the process transition process, if that makes sense. Like, speaking through what I was worried about and sharing my anxieties (what if I’m not actually trans enough??? What if I wind up wanting surgeries in the future and you hate my body???) and us making a gameplan together. Breaking it up into smaller discussions, and not needing all of the answers right away. Making space for his own reactions and thought processes. And acknowledging that if we wound up growing in separate directions, we would face it. It would be sad, but both of us living authentically as ourselves was something to strive for that we wanted (for ourselves and each other!) more than a relationships where we each felt our emotions and inner selves had to be lessened or hidden.

      A word of hope – it’s gone really well! Not promising that’s the outcome you’ll get, but I feel so supported and loved by my partner. Our relationship has really deepened throughout this transition process, and it’s not what I would have guessed going into it.

    4. Anonnington*

      I have come out to several partners. It went better than expected in that they were not weirded out by the idea of me being trans. They expressed no transphobia at all. None at all. That was great.

      However, the relationships didn’t survive. They didn’t want to date someone who might not be the gender they were attracted to. Things remained amicable, or didn’t, but for other reasons.

      It was overall pretty uneventful.

      What was even more of a shock to me was that word got back to mutual friends/acquaintences who I thought were really right wing and bigoted, and those people were completely fine with me being trans. It was a nonissue.

      And this was not recent. I’m talking a decade ago, when trans people were less visible and there was more prejudice.

    5. WS*

      If you’re not 100% sure about being trans, or what being trans means to you, phrase it that way! Being trans is a huge spectrum of identities, and you don’t have to jump right into one particular version if you’re not sure. You’re taking a journey, and inviting your partner along.

    6. M*

      Partner of a trans person here. First of all, congratulations! I hope you have lots of love and support as you figure things out. From the partner side, obviously, everyone’s situation is individual but maybe it’s helpful to hear someone else’s experience. My partner came out to me after we had been married for 10 years. It was a little bumpy at first, honestly. I was clear that supporting him in his transition and making sure our kids understood and were supportive of him was not negotiable. But I honestly needed some time and space and therapy to really figure out what would work for me. We just tried to be really honest with each other and we set the ground rules that we wouldn’t take anger out on the other person and that neither of us would make any major decision about our relationship without giving the other person time to hear and process. We spent a lot of time talking about it and a fair amount of time fighting about it if I’m being totally truthful. But I needed time to figure out how much of the issues I was having were about being attracted to a particular gender and about my own identity and how much was really about hurt feelings and anger about the amount of change it was introducing into our lives and anxiety about potential ramifications for our kids if friends or friends’ parents were unsupportive. Once I was able to untangle that for myself with the help of a really good therapist, it was a lot easier. We spent the first year of his transition basically setting aside time in which we would keep looking at how it was going try to talk it out. In the end the coming out was not the hardest part. The first few months on T were the hardest part. He was very reactive to it and it took his body a while to really adjust. But after all of that, it’s been 5 years now and honestly, being married to someone who is actually happy is great. All of the details worked themselves out and we are much happier and more connected than we ever were before. It’s been so worth the challenge and struggle and all the navigation of change. I don’t know if any of that is helpful to your situation at all but just know you’ve got people rooting for you. :)

    7. allathian*

      I wish you well in your journey.

      Your partner may have complicated feelings about this, she might even outright reject you and end your relationship then and there. For her, it could very well be devastating news. So I would consider carefully whether coming out to her while you’re in lockdown is a good idea. If at all possible, I really recommend a therapist to talk things through with first. If and when you do tell her, please remember that she’ll need time to process things, too, and may not be an enthusiastic supporter of your journey from the start, or ever.

      Speaking purely personally, for me news like this would be a complete dealbreaker because the man I was dating wasn’t the person I thought he was. I might at some point be able to wish her well in her journey, but I don’t date women or trans women and have zero interest in a sexual relationship with one. I’m not pansexual enough to ever imagine I’d be able to love an individual so much that it would beat my gender preference. That said, this is pretty much a moot point for me because my husband is a cis man who’s been comfortable in his identity for at least as long as I’ve known him.

      All that said, however, I think it is worth exploring your identity and inviting your partner on your journey as you discover your true self, even at the risk of losing your relationship, because I don’t believe that a relationship that’s based on a lie, and your gender identity is a pretty fundamental one, will be healthy in the long term. I would just recommend that you wait so you don’t have to live together as roommates if the relationship ends, or if your partner just wants a break to think things over.

      Good luck!

      1. c-*

        Hey, “women or trans women” is a really transphobic thing to say, similarly to how saying “people or black people” is a really racist thing to say. “Cis women” is the correct term to refer to women whose assigned gender at birth matches with their identity.

        1. allathian*

          You’re so right. I’m sorry and thanks for the reminder. I’ll try and do better in future.

          1. c-*

            Thank you for listening! We all make mistakes, trying to do better afterwards is the only way we can improve :)

    8. c-*

      Hi! Do you have any way to suss out how your partner feels about trans people? I wouldn’t want you coming out to her and then finding out you have to survive lockdown with a transphobe who’s upset with you. Hopefully that won’t be the case, but, safety first!

      As for isolation, it really helps to check out trans creators if you don’t have any trans friends yet: that way, the validation you need does not solely rest on your partner to provide. Some recs: “Identity” by Abigail Thorn, “Rain” by Jocelyn (I forget her last name, but it’s a nice webcomic), Rooster Tails, “True Trans Soul Rebel” by Against me, Jaime Dodger’s (sp?) and Kat Blaque’s YT channels.

      I took care of my coming out by wearing visible genderqueer pins and being my obviously enby self around my partner since before we were partners, so he knew what the deal was going in, but I realise that doesn’t exactly help in your case. But you can absolutely start wearing things and acting in ways that make you happy and have the conversation once she asks or you feel comfier bringing it up, that works well for me with friends and family :)

      Give yourself, and her, time and patience and gentleness; be honest, be kind, don’t put up with abuse, don’t dump it all on her to fix and don’t be cajoled into processing her fears for her. In short, apply good communication and hope for the best. Best of luck!

  50. Dot*

    I want to move next year but can’t pick where to go next. Considering Philly, Chicago, and Providence. I was born/raised in NYC and currently live in Gainesville which I’m over the humidity, lack of activities to do, and conservative politics of the state. I work remotely so not concerned about jobs, but can anyone offer thoughts of the cities I listed or new suggestions of where to go next? Will be renting and preferably hoping for LCOL with a decent job market, food scene, diversity, & LGBTQ+ friendly. Outside activities of interest are tennis, biking, parks, botanical gardens, & farmers market, and inside activities of interest are art museums, movie theaters, libraries, & bookstores.

    1. ThatGirl*

      I grew up near Philly and live in the Chicago metro area now. Both are lgbtq friendly, great food and have good parks, museums, etc. I’m not sure either is LCOL, maybe moderate? It’s not San Francisco or NYC but not cheap either.

      Winter in Chicago can be brutal, but April to October makes up for a lot. The city has very diverse neighborhoods and very segregated ones; the cops are awful and the city’s budget is stretched thin. But it’s a beautiful city with a lot to offer.

      1. Fran Fine*

        Yeah, I’d go with Philly over Chicago mainly because of the weather difference (though Philly weather can be just as brutal, just not as often as Chicago). Plus, if you move to Philly, you can still drive up to NYC in an hour or two on weekends if you ever miss the city.

    2. Natalie*

      The Twin Cities sounds like might be a decent fit for you? Probably the biggest downside wrt your list is that our de facto segregation/racial equity gap is really high. But otherwise, it’s like a smaller, cheaper Chicago with a *vastly* more functional local and state government.

    3. Chicagoan*

      I am a queer person who lives (and yes, rents) in Chicago, and I recommend it without reservation, given your wish list. I’ve lived in 5 different states, and this is by far my favorite city to live in. There’s a farmer’s market two blocks from me all summer long, I live three blocks from the lake, I go to museums frequently, biking and tennis along the lakefront are regular things for Chicagoans, and Chicago is a foodie town par excellence (both highbrow and lowbrow). And honestly, the winters are not that bad at all. Close family members in New England regularly experience much worse winter weather.

      Depending on your budget, you might look into the Logan Square and Edgewater (slightly higher budget, high diversity) or Rogers Park (lower budget, high diversity) neighborhoods.

      If you’d like to eliminate the expense of car ownership, choose an apartment within walking distance of the L (CTA trains). Advice: pick your neighborhood with your job and commute in mind.

    4. Dan*

      I grew up in parts of the midwest north of Chicago. I currently live in the suburbs of our nation’s capital.

      I’d totally move to Chicago, for everything except the winters. (BTW, in Chicago proper, the COL isn’t all that cheap, at least compared to other “desirable” places not named SF or NYC.) The winters suck ass. If you can do it, go for it. Chicago is “south” compared to where I grew up, but up there… winters were both very cold and very long. As in, it was still snowing in April. DC gets a touch of the nasty summer humidity, but it’s good balance between mild winters and not totally insufferable summers. Climate wise, if I stayed here the rest of my life, I wouldn’t hate it. And… the MD/VA suburbs close to DC tend to be pretty blue, so that fits the bill for much of your ask.

      Philly is probably NYC minus the extremely high cost of living. TBH, I suspect any major metro between DC and Boston is going to suit most of your desires, your biggest differentiators at that point will be COL and weather.

    5. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      Providence is on the water and more temperate because of the ocean effect. It’s also a lot smaller than Philly or Chicago. If you are a beach person (albeit a New England beach), Providence is a good choice.

    6. Not A Manager*

      I lived in Chicago for most of my adult life. It’s a great city and fits your criteria for everything except COL. You can get a decent sense of that from looking at rental listings in the neighborhoods you’d be interested it. Other than the COL, there are cool quirky neighborhoods, the entire lakefront and park system, great architecture (both downtown and in the neighborhoods), excellent museums, and world-class symphony & opera. There are two indoor conservatories in the city, and at least one lovely botanical garden in the suburbs.

      If you’re looking for a lower COL, you might look at smaller university cities. They tend to skew blue and to have more cultural offerings than other small cities.

    7. mreasy*

      Chicago’s COL is much lower than somewhere like NYC, SF, or LA. One of my best friends lives there and he is involved in a very close and active LGBTQ+ community. The weather is simply terrible but if it weren’t for that, I would move there in a minute (in NYC now) – it’s a really wonderful and livable city!

  51. Princess Fiona Apple Gallagher or Shrek*

    TW for sex & marriage

    Hope this is OK to ask here. I am very uncomfortable talking about sex in most cases. I def don’t feel like I can talk about this with friends or doctors.

    With that said….

    I’m 32 years old and have been married for 8 years. Things between my husband and I are…not great right now. I won’t bore with the details but one thing is bothering me and that’s the lack of physical intimacy.

    Lately, I’ve been having dreams about other men: coworkers, celebrities, TV show characters, friends’ spouses (!!!!). Some were sexual, but some were just hugging and kissing or leaving a room together. Clearly I’m missing the physical touch but also friendship and just plain old affection I think.

    What I need advice on is – while we sort out this mess how can I kill my sexual desire or redirect the energy? I don’t want to cheat on my spouse, but I hate this feeling I am having.

    1. Llama face!*

      I’m asexual aromantic so take this fwiw but I find that massage therapy (the professional non-sketchy kind of massage) helps me when I feel like I’m lacking human connection. It has physical touch and also can involve pleasant conversation. It’s not the same as friendship but I have a very congenial relationship with my regular RMT and we talk about our lives to each other. My RMT has very thorough practices wrt pandemic protocols but obviously finding a safe option would depend on where you are and who you go to. And you’d probably want to stay away from a RMT who matches your romantic preferred type too closely. But perhaps it would help with some of what feels lacking?

    2. RagingADHD*

      I’ve been married 18 years, and in a long relationship there will always be times when you’re apart, or out of sync, or one or the other is unwell, etc.

      Having unfulfilled desire will not, by itself, cause you to cheat if you don’t want to cheat. TBH, if you feel that cheating is a solution to your current feelings, I’d suggest you examine the underlying relationship issues more closely.

      As far as dealing with the distraction/energy, I understand that crushing on people you know feels creepy, but IMO crushing on celebrities or characters is harmless. A celebrity crush and some quality “alone time” can certainly burn off excess libido in a safe way without compromising the boundaries of the relationship.

    4. Generic Name*

      I’m going to assume you’re doing things like marital therapy or coming up with an exit plan to address the relationship issues. As for the physical frustration, get a good sex toy. I bought myself a decent vibrator when my ex moved out. It helped. :) as for the lack of non sexual touch, that’s actually harder to address. Having a pet to cuddle can help. I would suggest massage, but that’s hard during a pandemic.

    5. Not A Manager*

      How not great are things? If you’re both invested in working together to repair your relationship, maybe you and he could schedule some time for physical contact. It doesn’t have to be sexytime. You could literally agree that you will watch TV and hold hands, if that’s the level of intimacy that works right now. In my relationship, whether we are in a sexy cycle or a less sexy cycle, we still plan on naked cuddle time. But the touch could be anything from trading massages, to arms around each other on the sofa, to a morning and evening hug.

      It happens that in my relationship, “killing my sexual desire” or “redirecting the energy” away from my spouse quickly becomes a feedback loop that makes me feel less and less emotionally intimate with him. Even when we’re angry, we still benefit from skin-on-skin contact, and it reminds us of our intimacy when we might not otherwise be feeling it. I’m not addressing your marital problems or saying it would be that way for you, but if there’s a non-harmful way to get some physical contact from your spouse, that might be helpful.

      And if there’s not, then maybe it is worth finding that contact elsewhere. That doesn’t have to be cheating. It could be a professional massage, or a pedicure, or even (someday soon) a ballroom dance class.

    6. Dan*

      To your stated question… what you don’t actually mention is whether or not you want him to touch you. (Because most guys will salivate at the thought of getting some, full stop.) The point where I stopped wanting anything physical from my ex was the point when I decided we were toast and it was lawyer time. Up until then? Hey, bygones can be bygones for the sake of you know what.

      Porn works for women too. So do things operated with double a batteries. It can’t fulfill the emotional void, but can very well take care of the physical bit.

      1. Speaks to Dragonflies*

        Sometimes it’s the emotional part that needs fulfilling. The physical part can be taken care of a dozen times a day but if the emotional part isn’t taken care of, satisfaction is elusive.
        And just AA batteries?… Hook that thing up to a DieHard!

    7. Not So NewReader*

      Under the heading of lightening this up a tad, I think that the mind wanders. Even in happy marriages, dreams can happen, just because the sleeping brain wanders around- it does what-if scenarios. So maybe reduce this by 20% of the weight it has now.
      The remaining part is just a verification of what you have written here. It’s pretty normal to want contact and intimacy. We need to feel connected to our spouses. Ironically, it’s tougher to remain at odds with a person we hug them or hold their hand on a regular basis.
      My suggestion is to find a low key moment and just say, “I miss us. Can we hold hands for a few minutes?” [or hug or snuggle or whatever] If you get resistance just repeat the sentence, “I miss US”. Say it in a manner that conveys, “time out for a minute”.

    8. llamanon*

      OP sounds a bit like me from 15+ years ago. Unfortunately, in my case, things didn’t get better on the physical intimacy front. I really caution you about trying to kill sexual desire. That pretty much happened to me because desire became a reliable shortcut to unhappy feelings. We’re still together, in a companionate way, like slightly cuddly roommates. It’s gotten more tolerable for me with time and age, but it may never be something that I’m really at peace with.

      1. Cuddled*

        I feel you, llamon. My partner realized that they were ace several years into our relationship. I’ve struggled with it, but now sort of settled for lots of hugging and cuddling and then me-time (which has been very complicated this last year…) My sex drive has dwindled a lot, and I sometimes miss it. But it’s not a big enough part to break up for.

  52. Catwoman*

    My husband and I are in the process of moving to the Portland, OR area (Hubby is already there and the cat and I will be moving up within the next couple of months). We’re moving from Houston, TX and really excited about the more moderate climate, less traffic and just the PNW vibe. We only know one couple in the area, so building a social life is one of my more immediate concerns. Anybody here live in the area and have suggestions for making friends? I’m particularly looking for artsy, LGBTQ+ community, and my hubby is VERY into board games/RPGs. We both want to get more into outdoor activities like hiking and camping but are not very in-shape right now (thanks, pandemic!).

    Also, any long-distance moving advice is very welcome!!

    1. Anonbeth*

      All of the interests you listed are very dominant in the PNW generally and Portland specifically. Before the pandemic, I had decent luck with the meetups app. Lots of local game stores, art stores, and sports supply stores will have organized events or classes you can attend to meet people, too.

      Not what you asked but general PNW advice: embrace the rain, and if you start feeling tired or glum, get your vitamin D levels checked.

      1. Catwoman*

        Thank you for the advice! That’s great to hear. I will definitely keep Meetup in mind and look for local classes and happenings.

      2. Calliope*

        Yeah, artsy + LGBTQ+ + nerdy board games is basically PDX’s core demographic. Let me know if you want me figure out how to get you in touch with my brother who is involved in various arts scenes and also designs board games.

        Are you living in the city proper? Obviously different neighborhoods and suburbs have different vibes. I wouldn’t live somewhere like Lake Oswego based on what you describe (reputation for being rich and preppy) but you should be able to find an amenable social scene anywhere post-Covid. Folks are pretty talkative and approachable – I’ve certainly met people just sitting in a coffee shop. Dogs are also an instant friend maker. And I agree that Meet Up is good in Portland.

    2. Almost Academic*

      I lived in Portland for years, loved it! It’s a great city with wonderful food. Your hobbies are really great for making friends – board games and hiking are a predominant activity in the area with just enough structure that it’s not awkward to do with “almost-friends”. Everyone tends to run in networks, so see if you can get invited along to an outing and go from there. I would also encourage you to take advantage of city events, like pedalpalooza, to meet other people. PNW folks are generally more introverts, so you may be stuck being more proactive about planning than you are used to (inviting people to a specific activity, time, place) because “let’s grab coffee sometime!” will nearly never actually happen.

    3. HTX-PDX*

      I love Houston, but here are some Portland perks to look forward to: Being able to walk everywhere, Forest Park, awesome tap water, easy to live car-free, comfy weather, zoning, food carts, “weird” vibe similar to Austin. One thing, though, if you’re driving there. Unlike TX, you can go for 100+ miles in rural Oregon without seeing a gas station. Don’t assume every exit will have one!

    4. Nicki Name*

      All the local gaming stores had robust schedules of boardgaming nights, RPG sessions, CCG tournaments, etc. pre-pandemic, so find the one near you and keep an eye on its online calendar when such things become possible again.

      The big local gaming con is Game Storm (gamestorm.org) in March. It’s primarily Eurogames but also includes a fair amount of RPGs, CCGs, videogames, etc.

    5. JustEm*

      Hi! I live in Portland and it sounds like you will fit right in here based on your interests. :) Agree with the other comments you’ve gotten, but just wanted to say hi and welcome.

  53. My Brain Weasels Need a Vet*

    Any tips on how to get therapy when your resilience is really low and you live in a mental health care desert? My partner and I each want to find therapists. He has an EAP and tried contacting them for resources but never heard back. Is any of the online stuff worthwhile (like BetterHelp)? Are there other resources out there who can help someone navigate the search?

    1. BRR*

      I might try starting with a list of who your insurance covers then searching online to see if they have particular backgrounds/specialties you’re looking for. Also can your partner try reaching out to the EAP again?

    2. Natalie*

      If you go with one of the online options I would choose Betterhelp – they have the most real-time phone or video sessions (rather than chat based, which you might as well get from a free support group).

    3. ATX*

      Can you find a therapist in the biggest city close to you, since we’re all doing virtual sessions these days? A lot of therapists will continue to do virtual due to it being easier for patients (commute times).

    4. Sunshine*

      Check psychology today for the biggest city near you. The telehealth options are great. Be prepared with what you are looking for. Google a list of questions to ask a new therapist and make sure they are a good fit. I would also talk to people who could offer a quality referral list. A local hospital with a food behavioral health program.
      I wouldn’t recommend better help in my experience. If it’s free with your eap try it. But it’s problematic.

  54. Anonbeth*

    I have a kind of petty question. I live with a younger family member (not a child) in an apartment that doesn’t have a lot of privacy. We’re both working from home and not leaving the house except for groceries. I am getting very tired of being observed. My family member knows everything I do, every day, and asks about it (politely! “how was your walk,” “did you have a nice video chat earlier,” “how is your craft project coming”). I prefer being a private person and having parts of my life that I don’t share, so this solicitousness is really making me feel twitchy and limiting what I do, just because I don’t want to be asked if I had a nice yoga routine or how my music practice is going.

    I’m looking for advice on how to gently answer these questions without answering too much (I usually say “good!” and then share a small light anecdote, but I’m tired of even that much), or, ideally, how to get more private time/space where this person doesn’t know I’ve been doing things they could ask about. I’m not interested in telling this person to back off, since that would make them feel hurt (they mean well, they’re just way more social than I am). And if I tried that, I’d have to spell things out super clearly in order for them to understand, which I think would come across harshly.

    Thanks for any suggestions!

    1. BRR*

      I would explain you need a little bit of private activity time In Order to recharge. That it’s not them, it’s what your needs are. I don’t think it that would come across harshly.

    2. M*

      What activities do they do? If they don’t do much, they may be bored and are living vicariously through you. When they ask about your walk, why not suggest they take one? Now that I wfh, my husband and I are around each other a LOT more. It’s nice but I also need my alone time so I go to the bedroom and read.

    3. ronda*

      maybe try to have different topics to talk about and start those conversations instead.

      If they just want to talk but don’t have anything else to talk about and are just bringing these up as a way to chat that might work.

      you can also mention that you would rather not be asked about what you are doing and would rather talk about “these” topics instead.

    4. Anonbeth*

      Thanks for the ideas! Its very possible that they’re just bored and wanting to talk. I’ll try bringing up other topics that I’m more up for talking about.

      1. Pennyworth*

        You could even suggest that you both think up topics for discussion that can take your minds away from your cloistered existence. It could be fun.

    5. Dan*

      Part of me has always had trouble with the sorts of social pleasantries where people “ask” about your well being but they don’t want a real answer. As in, if they ask, “how are you doing today?” The answer is always “great” because if you’re not doing great, they don’t want to hear about.

      My ex-SIL would always greet me with a big hug and an exaggerated “HOW ARE YOU????” and it took me several months to realize “How are you?” was a synonym for “Hello!” and not a question. (And I was a sucker if I tried to give a real answer…)

      But I’m with you. I tend to take questions about my comings and goings quite literally. So if someone is trying to make small talk, you can try, “You know what? If you’re bored, I’m always happy to talk about [fill in the blank.]” (And give them a genuine answer. If you’d rather never answer questions ever about anything… I highly recommend living alone. It works for me :D )

      My ex (whom I lived with) would ask me Every. Single. Day. “How was work?” the moment I would walk in the door. To which I would answer, “fine.” And she’d say, “you always say it’s fine.” Yes, because when I walk in this apartment, I’m not getting paid. And I don’t want to talk about work stuff if I’m not getting paid for it.

      1. Anonbeth*

        This response made me think and shook loose some helpful ideas, so thank you!

        It sounds like I have a higher small talk tolerance than you. I consider small talk among strangers as being an extended way of saying “hello, fellow human, I acknowledge you in a friendly and nonadversarial manner.” Which means as I get to know someone more, I’m more comfortable with silence (or with less small talky conversations). Anyway, that made me think, maybe when my housemate keeps asking about my activities they’re really saying “I’m bored, let’s speak on this topic I perceive interests you because you were just doing it” or “hello, only other person I see irl, let’s not have silence right now” or just “I hope you are having an enjoyable existence.”

        If it’s one of those, having my own topics to pivot to or bring up first seems like it’ll help and lower the percentage of conversations that feel like “I am observing your movements”, lol

        And living alone is the long-term goal, but…not happening for a while!

        Anyway, thanks everyone, the commentariat here always has insightful answers and this has helped me be less BEC about this.

        1. ronda*

          another idea is that she might think this is a polite way to acknowledge you.

          Maybe if you tell her that you really would rather schedule some talking time like dinner conversation and mostly pretend the other person doesn’t exist the rest of the time.
          — or whatever way you wish to limit it

          maybe that will be more comfortable for her too, since you are telling her I want you to ignore me and I don’t think you are being impolite because of it.

  55. Anonnington*

    COVID vaccine question!

    I got my second Pfizer shot 8 days ago. I felt kind of sore and tired for a day, then started to feel better. However, I’m still feeling weak and tired compared to the way I usually feel.

    I’ve tried eating healthy food, getting plenty of rest, working out, eating ginger and garlic (good for the immune system). That seems to be helping, but I’m not back to normal yet.

    Is this normal? Did you have any lingering side effects from the vaccine?

    1. Alex*

      After my first shot I noticed that I was feeling more tired than usual for over a week. Haven’t gotten my second shot yet, but I’d imagine it is more of the same except maybe more intense. I think it’s probably normal–your body is devoting energy to building those antibodies!

    2. Enough*

      I have had first Moderna and have had low level blah feelings and tired days. It tends to come and go. I am 3 days from appointment for 2nd shot.
      From things I have read side effects can linger a little longer after second shots.

    3. LDF*

      I’d suggest taking a look at the CDC’s fact sheet and using that to decide if you want to contact your doctor. I’ll leave the link in a reply to this comment in case of moderation.

    4. pancakes*

      I slept pretty much the entire next day after my second Pfizer shot, and felt pretty lethargic the whole rest of the week. My impression is that this is not uncommon.

    6. Anonnington*

      For the record, it’s FAR better than getting COVID. I’m glad I got vaccinated. I’m just dealing with low energy and exercise intolerance.

    7. 653-CXK*

      In my first shot, my arm was very sore and I was tired, but that went away after a few days.

      I had my second shot Wednesday. I was fine until when I got up on Thursday morning, when I began to ache (it wasn’t severe, but it was present and noticeable throughout the body) and have a low-grade fever. The aches and pains peaked around noon to around 4pm, and then I felt somewhat better after dinner. I took ibuprofen during the day and drank lots of water; I then went to bed early, taking an ibuprofen PM (with a sleep aid).

      Yesterday morning I was much better – the fever broke, and most of the aches went away. My arm is not as sore, but I figure a few more days and I’ll be back to normal.

      I also concur with your statement below – the vaccine is MUCH better than getting COVID.

      1. 653-CXK*

        Whoops – my statement is below yours, so it should read “I also concur with your statement above“.

    8. twocents*

      Also just got the second Pfizer on Wednesday afternoon. I was mostly fine Thursday until a full 24 hours later, when I started feeling body aches. Friday was more of the same, and today has been stiffness rather than body aches. Like the stiffness you feel after you exercised really hard one day, and don’t move the next.

      1. Anonnington*

        Yeah, I had something similar. It was that post-workout kind of soreness. Forunately, that’s gone now. I just get tired more easily and I’m struggling to give my dog enough walks.

    9. RagingADHD*

      I felt tired the whole week, but it was also a rough week where I wasn’t sleeping well for unrelated reasons, so I don’t know how much was due to what.

    10. Bibliovore*

      Thank you for sharing. I have been hesitant to share about my symptoms because I don’t want to scare anyone off of getting the vaccine,
      .
      I have had an unfortunate response to the Pfizer vaccine both one and two. Extreme fatigue, sore arm and painful lymph nodes and daily headaches. Checked in with my primary care dr.
      Although rare she has seen a few people like me. This is a rare immune response.
      Mostly, this happens, it means the vaccine is working, try not to worry, take care of yourself.
      This means:
      Keeping hydrated, Gatorade or water with electrolyte tablets,
      Eating as well as possible.
      Rest, I have been napping everyday.
      Sunshine and vitamin D
      NSAIDs and Imetrex for body aches and migraines.
      Declining any obligations above taking care of myself
      Asking for help- friends have been bringing me cooked meals, Mr. Bibliovore has been taking care of some of my usual responsibilities.
      I have had a few good days then the symptoms would return.
      I have been feeling super crappy for more than 4 weeks.
      Know that “this too shall pass”

    11. MEH Squared (formerly MEH)*

      Hello! Before I explain my situation with the Pfizer shots, I have to say that I always have strong reactions to shots so I went into mine knowing I’d probably feel bad afterwards.

      After the first, I had almost complete exhaustion for two days and then several days of fatigue afterwards along with swelling and a bump. The fatigue went away after a week. I had a bump and very slight soreness until I got my second shot which was on Thursday, 3 weeks and 1 day after my first.

      I’ve had three days of complete exhaustion and my arm is swollen and hot. I’ve had chills on and off, and my body is aching. I had an incipient migraine this morning and took Excedrin Migraine to stave it off. I’ll probably be taking a nap soon and I’ve been sleeping on-and-off since Friday afternoon. In comparison, I sleep maybe six hours a night normally.

      This is significantly worse than the first shot AND still better than getting the COVID, of course. I fully expect some of the symptoms to last a week if not longer.

  56. MamaSarah*

    How’s your sleep hygiene, Alex? Are you taking your phone to bed? Doing work emails before sleep? That might be something to consider.

  57. OyHiOh*

    Talk about birds!

    I went to a new spot today. Saw the usual suspects (sparrows, wrens, red wing blackbirds, mallards, canada geese) AND a group of five pelicans (including a breeding male), a whole freaking flock of redheads (water fowl species, very pretty), a female turkey trying to find her way through a fence and getting very annoyed with my partner following her taking photos, and an as yet unidentified woodpecker, which my partner saw while I was elsewhere drawing. He described it as “black and white, but not spots like the other ones we saw” (the other ones in question were downy woodpeckers) so I’ll have to wait until he downloads the camera to figure it out. Could be a hairy woodpecker, could be something else!

    1. Lizabeth*

      Pelicans in OH? Awesome!

      Tree swallow nesting in the bird house – beautiful bird: dark blue blending to dark grey with snowy white underneath. New bird for me. They are fun to watch – very cautious birds going in and out of the bird house. Lots of diversion tactics.

      Wrens are building numerous twig nests at the moment. Waiting to see which they choose to hatch the eggs.

      Hummingbirds have shown up – the feeders when up but haven’t seen them at the feeders. The nectar is lowering…would LOVE to find a hummingbird nest but that’s a long shot.

      Discovered a nest in a hanging fern when I took it down because of high winds. Very neatly made nest – not sure what kind of bird yet and I’m hoping they will come back to it. I did see birds go to it when I rehung it but couldn’t identify them.

      And the cardinals are all over the place but I have a LOT of them

      1. OyHiOh*

        I live in a state west of the Mississippi, LOL. But we’re on the migration route from the gulf coast to Canada. To me, pelicans are Florida winter birds. Seeing them here and knowing where the migrate to in the spring catches me by surprise.

    2. Speaks to Dragonflies*

      I got to hold a wren last weekend! It was dusk, and it was trapped in my folks garage trying to fly out a closed window. Guess it couldn’t tell that the door was wide open. So anyway,I figure that I’ll help it out. It was sitting on the window pane so I slide a finger kinda under its feet,like I’ve seen folks do with pet birds. After a couple tries, it stayed on my finger. Walked outside, I figured it would bolt…nah. Stayed there. I tried to set it on the edge of a trailer nearby… Nope. Walked further up my hand. So for about 10 minutes, this wholly untamed little wren hung out while I walked around the yard talking to it and giving the occasional gentle pet on its back untill it decided to fly away. Even got a couple pics, but I’ll be danged if I know how to show them. Guess I could say I speak to birds now too.

      1. RagingADHD*

        I think that officially qualifies you as a Disney Princess!

        That’s so cool.

        1. Speaks to Dragonflies*

          Ummmm…I’m cool with that and all, and I get the reference, but the prince would be in for a surprise if he’s looking for a princess cuz I’m a dude. Just for some reason, animals are for the most part cool with me. I’ve relocated and/or rescued several snakes that had ample opportunity to bite, a few turtles and frogs, an opossum and have had a lot of dragonflies come over and sit in my hand when offered. Hence the name I use on here. My wife is low key jealous cuz she thinks dragonflies are the coolest thing ever.

    3. RagingADHD*

      The baby sparrows in the front-door wreath are big enough to stick their heads above the side of the nest. There are definitely 4. Mom and Dad are both very busy feeding them.

      1. MissCoco*

        One of the baby sparrows in my yard is big enough to fly to the feeder and sit in the tray feeder peeping it’s little head off while the parents fetch food.
        It’s fledged, but still has the floofy baby tum and is just so cute!

  58. Podcasts*

    Does anyone have any fav podcasts or audio book suggestions that would cover 1) world history, 2) geography, or 3) basic science?

    I’m looking to fill educational gaps from my very conservative homeschooled youth. I like podcasts that are 30-60 min and easy listening (i.e. don’t take too much concentration so I can do dishes/walk while listening).

    Thanks so much :)

    1. Susie*

      Throughline and Stuff you Missed in History Class for history. Ologies for science.

      Also, I’d suggest Gastropod—it talks about science and history though food—and 99% invisible—design focus but science and history are undercurrents in many stories. Less directly related to the topics but I feel more relatable.

      If your students are younger, Brains On is great.

    2. Urban Prof*

      I highly recommend the podcast “A History of the World in 100 Objects,” a BBC/British Museum/Radio 4 co-production.

      Your specific request for easy listening points right toward audiobook versions of Bill Bryson’s “A Short History of Nearly Everything” (basic science), and “At Home: A Short History of Private Life” (world history).

      Have fun!

    3. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

      I’ve been listening to a lot of nonfiction audiobooks while doing data entry at work lately, and honestly I just go to my library’s app and scroll down until something looks interesting. I have particular areas I’m trying to learn more about, but then I find myself listening to something on WW2 submarine warfare in the Pacific instead. The great thing about the library is that it doesn’t cost anything, so no big deal if it is lousy or a topic I’m not wildly interested in. If you need a basic overview on a subject, the Great Courses are pretty good and 30-45 minutes long, but I always find myself wishing there was about twice as much content in them. I enjoy them more on topics I have no knowledge of though, so they might be perfect for you. Then you can go back and find more books on the parts that interest you. My library offers them, which is great because they are kind of expensive.

      Good luck! No reason you can’t be as well educated as you want to be-learning is not just for the young.

    4. Annie Moose*

      You might find the AskHistorians podcast interesting! https://www.reddit.com/r/AskHistorians/wiki/podcast It’s run by the AskHistorians Reddit community (a really fantastic resource for all sorts of history questions—they’re infamous for very strict rules about thorough, well-sourced answers so you don’t get the usual cruft of the internet). Some of the episodes are on some fairly esoteric topics, depending on the guest, but they’ve done lots of episodes so you’re likely to find something that interests you!

    5. KR*

      Possibly Sawbones? It’s medical history like old timey diseases, inventions, and treatment methods. Or maybe the history of a disease or say, the history of child birth or birth control. Lots of interesting topics, hosted by a husband-wife team where the wife is a doctor and the husband is the jokester.

    6. Melody Pond*

      I’m in the same boat as you – was raised with some very questionable pseudoscience and it took me a long time to let go of it fully. I’ve just recently been trying to understand evolutionary biology and other science.

      So far, my favorite things are:
      – a YouTube channel called “Stated Clearly”. They have a recent video on the DNA evidence showing that humans and chimps share a common ancestor, and that was particularly mind blowing for me.
      – a three-episode PBS miniseries called “Your Inner Fish”. It was available on the PBS app and it also looked like my local library had a DVD copy available. It’s based on the book of the same name, and follows the author of that book in some of his most interesting research.
      – the long running PBS science show, “Nova”. There’s one episode on dark energy & dark matter that was pretty compelling.

    7. StellaBella*

      Bbc science in action is good but bbc also has a lot of basoc science and natural history podcasts too. Look under bbc sounds online.

    8. DistantAudacity*

      Hardcore History is great! Erm – it’s not 1 hour episodes, at all, but still. Just pause it. I loved the Elamite/Persia/Sparta series. It’s supposed to be about Sparta, but before that there’s about 5 hours of backstory (in the best way!)

      Apart from that, BBC’s You’re dead to me and BBC’s In Our Time has great material.

    9. Brooklyn*

      On a recent road trip, I got obsessed with Noble Blood. It’s short little episodes in history about interesting people and fascinating stories. It’s the kind of thing that leaves you on Wikipedia reading for a half hour after each episode.

    10. c-*

      I think you would like Overly Sarcastic Productions’ History Summarized videos! You can just listen to them if you want the podcast experience, or watch them for bonus Geography content (gorgeous, easy to understand maps!). The series spans very different time periods and countries.

    11. No Sleep Till Hippo*

      Oh oh oh! My favorite history podcast is The Dollop. It’s really more of a comedy podcast – one comedian reads a story from (usually) US history to his friend, who has no idea what the story’s about. They riff and joke, but it’s surprisingly educational.

      The earlier episodes are great entertainment, but their more recent stuff (last 2-3 years ish) really focused on stories that highlight a lot of the things we’re grappling with today, and they often have a good discussion at the end of the episode about how it all ties in. I will note that they approach everything from a very left-wing/unabashedly socialist (for the US) viewpoint, which I love but recognize that might not be everyone’s cup of tea.

      My username is actually a quote from an early episode, where they discussed a group of people that decided to try and populate the Mississippi River with hippopotamuses. (Hippopotami? Hippoes.) I can’t remember the reasoning behind it but I think it had something to do with capitalism…

    12. Observer*

      Revolutions is a pretty good series – each season is a series about one country and it’s revolution(s).

    13. Anonyme*

      I want to second the recommendations for Ologies, Stuff You Missed in History Class, Noble Blood, and Gastropod. I also want to add This Podcast Will Kill You and Historical Yarns

    14. Spearmint*

      There are a ton of good history lecture series from the Great Courses. I really like their series on the high middle ages (roughly the years 1000-1300 in Europe). The lecturer is energetic and the 30 minute lectures each revolve around a particular topic, like women or monasteries or population growth, rather than on the political narrative (though there are some lectures about that, too).

      The British History Podcast is great. The host is energetic, a great storyteller, and funny at times. And it starts way back in the Roman era.

      I’d also recommend The Storm Before the Storm by Mike Duncan. It’s a great introduction to the Roman Republic and the events that set it up it’s dramatic change into an imperial monarchy.

      1. Spearmint*

        Oh, and you can get Great Courses lectures on Audible, if you use that for audiobooks.

  59. Anonnington*

    In other news, I just got my first gym membership and I’m trying to motivate myself to go for the first time.

    I don’t have positive associations with gyms. Throughout my whole k-12 experience, gym teachers denied that I had a disability and were verbally abusive to me, encouraging other kids to join in. Every day I went to school, I was mocked and berated – by adults – for the way that my body was even though they had on record that it was a medical condition, not something within my control.

    After being taught that I was, “lazy and worthless, with no potential in life,” when it came to exercise, I finally decided to see for myself. When I was 21, after I got my first car, I started hiking alone. I ended up getting really into it, getting in great shape, and branching out into other activities like sailing and kayaking. Fitness became an important part of my life, and I never looked back (except to raise awareness of ableism in education).

    Now I live in NYC. Urban hiking isn’t cutting it. I need to get in better shape. So I joined a gym. But I keep putting off actually going there and working out because of the ick factor of people seeing me exercising. This must be common, right? I think I’ll get over it.

    How did you get used to working out at a gym? Any advice for self-motivation? I just need to make myself go that first time. I tend to be good at sticking to things once it’s part of my routine.

    1. Pam*

      Can you start with a trainer? They keep you from being alone, and can help you develop a routine to get the most out of your membership. Be clear about limitations due to disability.

      1. Anonnington*

        No, my goal is to work out alone, as I said. Hiring a trainer would be contrary to that.

        I don’t need help with my workout routine. I’m just trying to motivate myself to go to the gym.

    2. BRR*

      I think it’s incredibly common. I have to say though at every gym I’ve ever been to, nobody is concerned about your routine. Everyone is just going about their day.

      1. Anonnington*

        Thank you! I think my use of the word, “routine,” in my last sentence skewed the meaning of this post. It wasn’t a reference to a workout routine. I meant that once going to the gym is part of my overall weekly routine, it will be easier. I’m just struggling with the initial motivation to go.

    3. RagingADHD*

      Going to the gym as an adult is as different from PE class as going to a restaurant is different from the school cafeteria.

      You don’t have to participate in group classes unless you want to. Most people are just there to use the equipment and go about their business. A few people may have come together, or a few may stop to chat with someone they know. But for the most part, everyone is in their own headspace doing their own thing, and paying no attention to anyone else.

    4. Dark Macadamia*

      Maybe plan a very easy workout for your first one – you can always stay longer/work harder if it’s going well but either way you’ll have gotten the first visit over with.

      Wear whatever workout clothes make you feel most comfortable/least awkward.

      If you’re a woman and this sounds like something that would help you, some gyms offer women-only classes or time slots.

      Good luck! I’m at a point right now where I feel like I need to get in shape before I can go to the gym so I’m really impressed with you!

    5. Valancy Snaith*

      So, getting used to working out at a gym just comes with doing it, unfortunately. The more you go, the more normal it is, and the more you realize that you don’t notice or care what anyone else is doing, the more you’ll internalize that no one cares what you do, either!

      For building the habit, one way that a lot of people I know have had success is to just get accustomed to the pattern. Promise yourself that if you’re miserable you’ll only stay for ten minutes, but get yourself together and go. And even if you do only stay for ten minutes, you’re building the habit and routine of going. For myself, I find that if I go to all the trouble of getting my stuff together and going, I’ll stay longer than ten minutes anyhow. But just build the habit of going, every day it gets a little easier.

      1. Dan*

        The reality with personal fitness as an adult is that… you have to want to do it. The motivation comes from within. If you don’t have it, nobody can give it you. But there are all kinds of different things to do in a gym, some are more fun than others. A good trainer can help you figure out what works best for you. Me? I go to the gym and throw a ball on the floor.

        I have a circadian rhythm disorder and a touch of insomnia. This whole COVID WFH business (read: sitting yer butt all day) has been zero help whatsoever. I *must* get some regular exercise (and walking isn’t enough.) On days I feel like crap, I still drag myself to the gym. Every time I go, I feel better afterward, and my sleep cycles are more consistent. And… after going to the gym regularly, I have far fewer days where I feel like crap.

    6. Skeeder Jones*

      Once when I needed motivation, I handed a $50 bill to a good friend and said that if I didn’t go to the gym that night, he got to keep it. It worked! So for about 2 weeks, I would tell him when I was supposed to go and if I didn’t go he got the money. We did that until I didn’t need the external motivation.

    7. Dan*

      So… first things first, gyms that you pay to go to (e.g., they want your money and you can stop paying) and “k-12 phys ed” are two different beasts. I couldn’t bench press the bar with no weights on in high school gym and got made fun of for it. I still probably can’t.

      That said, I’m a math dork and while gym class was no fun, I also figured I’d make more $ than most of the kids making fun of me. I don’t recall having negative experiences with the gym teachers, but knowing what gym teachers get paid, I make way more than any of them. So that’s that.

      As for professional gyms, I’ve been going 5 days per week since July. We had a gym in my office basement that I used, but when they kicked us out at the start of COVID, and I’ve been WFH ever since, I had to do something. I’d walk the dog 10 miles per week, but between March and June when gyms were closed in my state, I was gaining weight. So in July I bought a professional gym membership.

      I’m easily (still) one of the fattest people in the gym and I go 5x weekly. And you know what? Nobody cares. Seriously. It’s rare that I actually say anything (even “hi”) to anybody else. Nobody says anything to me, nobody looks at me funny, none of that. The staff are cool. I work with a trainer 2x monthly, and that does help, honestly. She does more than I could figure out myself. And… when they work on commission, they’re nice to you, because they want you to keep paying. But the good trainers, who take their jobs seriously, act like adults and want you to reach your fitness goals.

      Here’s how I look at it: I’m naturally gifted at math, and have a good paying career because of it. It’s a gift and I don’t have to work at it. I don’t look down upon people who find math hard, because, you know, we’re all different? And likewise, some people are naturally gifted athletes/can be skinny without trying that hard. That isn’t me. If you won the “fast metabolism at birth” lottery, I’m jealous.

      1. Anonnington*

        Removed. You misread the response and this is needlessly antagonistic toward someone trying to answer your question. – Alison

    8. Bossy Gate 2037*

      What helps me is something Terry Crews said in an AMA. Basically, treat your gym like a spa. Go into the building on the days you schedule to work out. If you don’t? Cool. Read a magazine in the lobby for 20 minutes. Basically build the habit of going IN the building and make THAT the habit. Usually once you are inside, basic workouts can follow. That advice kept me going to the gym through 2/3rds of grad school, before I was too burned out to function.

      As for the other people watching you ick factor? What helps me is chanting in MY head “eyes on my own mat”. Because if *I* am looking around at others to see if they are judging me? I am not paying attention to what I need to get done. What also helps me is just plugging in my podcast or audiobook or playlist and just not engaging with anyone past the employees. If I don’t engage, anything I do is 100% not their business. And if people end up being crappy? Wrong gym.

      Remember, you drive the proverbial bus now. Other people’s feelings are their responsibility.

    9. allathian*

      Can you go with a friend? At least the first few times until it becomes a routine. I know you said that you want to work out alone, but if you can find a friend who wants to go to a class while you do weights, that would at least get you there, and once you’re there you’ll start exercising.

      How far is it to the gym? Actually exercising in front of others wouldn’t be a problem for me, but I have body image issues to the point that I don’t want to change or shower in front of other people. But I wouldn’t want to go home on public transit completely sweaty either. Can you walk or drive to the gym and change and shower at home?

  60. Retail question*

    Not sure if this is too work related for the weekend thread, but I’m curious why online orders come in so many packages. For example, I just ordered 10 items from Old Navy and so far I’ve got 4 packages coming with 5 items….

    I did a google search but can’t find an answer. Is it because there are multiple warehouses? It seems like it would cost the company way more money to send so many packages and more work for post offices? I’m not complaining, mostly just curious. Part of me feels guilty about the extra packaging as I know fast fashion is already bad for the environment.

    Second question, does it negatively effect my local store and local employees to do returns there from an online order?

    1. Yellow Warbler*

      Pickers work in zones. The orders are divided up by zone. The idea is that they maximize efficiency by right-sizing zones.

      1. Filosofickle*

        Oh, this may solve a mystery about Amazon, when sometimes you can choose to wait an extra day to get your order in fewer packages. I assumed multiple packages meant multiple warehouses or third party shippers, and wasn’t sure how an extra day solved that. But combining multiple zones would make sense.

        When I order from a retail store they often come in many multiples, and it’ll be a combo of coming from actual brick and mortar stores, multiple warehouses, and even direct from the brand.

    2. Skeeder Jones*

      I’ve noticed that too and had the same feeling about it. I usually can see that the different packages are coming from different places so I’m assuming that they have different wearhouses with different items. But mostly, I have no idea.

    3. Enough*

      I don’t know about the financials of a return. But as long as they have returns they have a reason to have a store and keep people employed.

    4. Dan*

      Most likely because of the distribution network (including the warehouse setup and whatnot), and also the optimization function they’re using. You’ll get different results for “deliver everything ASAP” vs “minimize shipments”. Where I live, Amazon lets you specify which way you get your stuff. (I know you mentioned Old Navy… Amazon is big enough to offer choice and not lose money.)

      My ATF was a few years back, I got a speeding ticket in Upstate New York. (This is relevant, I promise.) I had to send some stuff through the mail (or appear in court from out of state) so I did the mail. This was a rural area, and I procrastinated. USPS told me that they could not guarantee overnight delivery for express shipments, although they would happily let me pay express prices.

      So when I had to send some follow up correspondence, I used priority shipping, which was 2-3 nights guaranteed. So express shipping took 2 days and priority took 2 days. The funny part was… because I’m a dork and I look at these things, they used two completely different distribution networks to do the delivery. My first thought was, “no wonder why USPS loses money.” My second thought was, “As a customer, I felt cheated for getting charged overnight delivery prices for two day service.”

      1. Skeeder Jones*

        Your experience does not surprise me. Sometimes USPS does things that are so strange. I recently had a mail order prescription that went from the facility in a city about 15 miles from my home in the next county over, to the main postal hub in my city (USPS has a major hub in my city and all the cities in my county have their mail routed through that hub. From this local hub that is literally 3 miles from my house, my package was routed to another STATE that is about 1000 miles away. WTF USPS!?!?! So a prescription mailed on a Friday arrived at my home on Wednesday while a prescription mailed Monday arrived on Tuesday. So basically, if the USPS is involved, anything can happen.

    5. BeeJiddy*

      I’ve had multiple packages from one order before, but it was because the items were coming directly from the shop(s) and not the distribution centre. I assume they were items that were low in stock, so the order went piecemeal to whichever shop had them available.

  61. Disco Janet*

    UGHHHH I am so over my in-laws leaving passive aggressive comments on my Facebook about how they haven’t seen my kids in so long. Like yeah my kid is at higher risk, you haven’t gotten vaccinated, and there is a pandemic. And my kids can’t be vaccinated because they are young kids. Stop trying to be the victim on Facebook.

    How are others dealing with this? I finally left a blunt response saying that yep, I wish we could see them, but that they have a different comfort level than us with maskless activities/gatherings, and the kiddo is high risk, so unless they’re willing to wear a mask around them, get togethers will have to wait until my son can be vaccinated.

    Now I wait for my mother-in-law to message my husband asking why I was mean to his sister. Because I’m sure she’s already screenshotting and crying to mommy. And I am annoyed at myself for caring and letting it get under my skin – usually I just brush it off. But my post today was me sharing the memory of when my oldest was diagnosed with his disability, and shouting out to some other moms and kids I know who are also on that journey. So I am annoyed she had to try to make it about her.

    Who else has relatives STILL leaving/making passive aggressive remarks about you not being willing to pretend Covid doesn’t exist?

    1. BRR*

      Unfriend them or at least hide your posts from them. It’s not worth having to deal with people like this or give them any of your energy.

      1. Disco Janet*

        She is literally the last one left on my feed – the rest have been unfriended. But yep, looks like that needs to happen for her too.

        2. StellaBella*

          Agree. Your child’s health and by extension, yours, are at risk in this pandemic. I am not a parent but I agree you should unfriend and move on. You have made it clear that the health of your child is something you cannot risk by exposure to their maskless non vaccine selves so that is it. Really, move on and still do not see them until it is verified they are safe, with a call, discussing it. They can call you to share their vaccine news or just not see the child. I would also put your first paragrqph verbatim into a post to them as you unfriend them. Be direct.

          1. Esmeralda*

            I wouldn’t trust them to tell the truth—make them send you a scan of their vaccine cards.

            I’m completely serious.

    2. Double A*

      It’s one thing if this was before she could get vaccinated, but is she refusing? At this point, just wearing a mask isn’t enough. She needs to be vaccinated, and if she chooses not to do that, she can live with the consequences i.e. she’ll have to wait until your kids can be vaxxed. I think you can say that very plainly. You can even be nice about it. “We’d love to see you when either you or kid is fully vaccinated, whatever happens first! You let us know on your end when you get your shots.”

      2. Disco Janet*

        This is basically what I said – ended my response to her by flat out saying that the kids can’t have a play date until mine have received their Covid vaccine. Then I tried to be nice by throwing in something about how my kids are hoping to have her youngest over for a sleepover when it’s safe. That was met with a response about how she hopes her oldest will be included too because if not that’s really hurtful.

        Her oldest is five years older than my kids (whereas her other child is the same age as mine), and also he’s a huge bully who terrorizes them. So there’s other issues too.

        I just moved her on my “restricted” list so she ca only see my public posts (which are few and far between.) Then she started texting me – which is what she should’ve done in the first place instead of attempting the social media guilt trip – and I’m not responding. Told my husband this is on him now because I am DONE with the communications with his mom and sister. I’m so fed up with them. The conspiracy theory crap, the favoritism, the not actually caring about our kids but needing to look like hey do on Facebook, the judgment of me having a career and a life outside of my children, the snotty comments and laughing about how ridiculous we are because we don’t allow my mother-in-law to make our life decisions for us. I am done with it.

        1. allathian*

          Good for you! Sounds like your husband will have to deal with his family from now on, and I’m glad you realize you need to protect your kids from the bully of a big brother.

        2. un-pleased*

          Whew, she sounds like a lot. If it helps, if I saw this comment series on your Facebook post as an unrelated person, you would absolutely have my support. You are not the one who looks poorly. For some reason, in the way you framed your original post, I thought I sensed some concern that by responding you were doing something wrong or that people might judge you for. I don’t think you need to carry any guilt here, and you did great by taking yourself out of the middle.

    3. Chantel*

      It’s just so tacky that they would do this on social media. That they don’t CALL you and have a calm and loving discussion says there are other motives here, like publicly shaming you, which is a low thing to do (other than in well-deserved scenarios like abuse or that sort of thing).

      You’re making decisions on what is best for your situation. Hold steady and stay strong!

    4. tangerineRose*

      I’m sorry you have to deal with this, but you are doing the right things. You’re rocking the parent stuff! You are protecting your kids.

    5. Rusty Shackelford*

      This is late, don’t know if you’ll see it… one of my favorite ways to reply to passive/aggressive comments is to act as if they were being genuine.

      It’s SO SAD that we haven’t seen your kids in a year!

      “I know, right? What a shame that you haven’t been vaccinated. Hopefully someday soon!”

  62. Anono-me*

    Plumbing Question Ahead with a mild – moderate ick factor

    I need a hygienic and somewhat attractine or atleast discreet way to store a toilet auger.

    For a variety of human and mechanical plumbing issues (and someone’s inability to believe that not everything the human body produces is immediately flushable); we frequently need to use a toilet auger. A toilet auger is a pipe that is about 3 feet long with a small “L” shape bend at one end and about 6 feet of plumbing snake running through it. The bathroom is a 3/4 bath without a closet. So far I have been storing the cleaned auger in a plastic garbage bag between uses and leaving it in the shower. Does anyone have a better suggestion?

    Thank you.

    1. Janne*

      I think I’d put it in the plastic bag in the same closet as where you put your vacuum cleaner, if you have one and if you have a closet for that. You could maybe hang the garbage bag so that it takes up the least floor space. But it would be less accessible than when you store it in the same room as it’s used in.

      If you want to store it in the bathroom, maybe put up a hook and hang it there? If it’s not a see-through bag and not a too large bag, it wouldn’t be too ugly. (But my standards of ugly might be different than yours.) Often there’s some space above the back of the toilet.

      Or maybe there’s a space behind the under-the-sink closet where you can put it?

    2. Speaks to Dragonflies*

      Is there room to set a tall, narrow cabinet next to the toilet? Dunno where your living, but maybe a store like ikea or walmart may have something that’s prefab, put it together yourself kind of things. Maybe hang it in the mini cabinet in a bag or a drip pan underneath.
      Just in case y’all didn’t know, please PLEASE do NOT put “flushable” wipes in your toilet. They clog your drains, they clog the lines of your cities sewer mains, they clog the cities sewer pumps…They are bad for everything except that fresh,clean feeling on your bum. Just because it says flushable doesn’t mean it should be… I bet your house or car key is flushable too. Doesn’t mean you should flush it.

    3. Yellow Warbler*

      Have you considered a macerating toilet? They can be pricy, but you may end up saving damage to your system in the long run.

    4. The teapots are on fire*

      Maybe a tall kitchen wastebasket? It won’t hide the whole thing, but it’ll store it and be more convenient.

    5. Ins mom*

      A tall thin plastic container like a gift wrapper storage box with lid? Container store/Rubbermaid/Sterlite come to mind.

    6. Anono-me*

      Thank you for all of the ideas. I knew the AAM cadre would have better ideas.

      I think the tall trash bin or the wrapping paper container make the most sense for us. The bathroom is small and the vacuum cleaner closet is both far away and carpeted. (I wash the auger, but don’t dry it after use; and worry about the bag tearing/leaking.)

  63. Anonnington*

    Thank you to everyone who left kind and helpful responses to my post about going to the gym!

    I’ve been banned from replying to responses to that post.

    I disagree with Allison’s reasoning there. My post was removed and restrictions were applied to me because I took a stand against ableism.

    I will not be supporting this blog anymore.

    1. AGD*

      It looks to me as if you weren’t banned; rather, the thread was closed to everyone because it got too heated and hostile. This happens a lot around here.

      I was also mistreated by gym teachers who didn’t believe I had a disability (I used to miss later classes because about once a month I ended up in so much pain and discomfort at the end of gym class that I would have a full on attack of my condition, and so I needed an hour or 90 minutes locked in the bathroom before the tears stopped and I felt better and could clean myself up and get back to things). I also discovered around the age of 20 that I could get into exercising, and started going to the gym. I’m doing much better now.

      I wish you the best.

      1. Pennyworth*

        I didn’t realize Alison could do that and I’d been wondering what happened!
        In relation to getting to the gym and establishing a routine, I used the single free personal trainer session that was offered with my membership to make an appointment to get me through the door the first time (I just asked her to show me how to use the equipment safely for my particular conditions), then set myself a target of just going through the door at least three times a week. I didn’t beat myself up if I didn’t work out hard or for very long, sometimes I just spent a few minutes on the treadmill and left, but it all helped establish the gym as a place I went to regularly even if I wasn’t really wanting to be there.

    2. sswj*

      I didn’t get to read your response, but Alison doesn’t do that sort of thing without good reason. There are ways to state your point without rancor or antagonizing statements. And, to be blunt, sometimes an eyeroll and a scroll is the best response.

      I hope your gym experience is positive!

    3. Sugar sugar*

      You aren’t banned, and it wasn’t about “taking a stand against ableism”. The comments on the thread were closed because you weren’t acting in good faith, you were aggressive and unfair in your response to others, and you were misreading what people said to you,

      Don’t play the victim here.

    4. ThatGirl*

      Yeah it wasn’t you. Alison was trying to prevent things from getting out of hand. Nobody else can reply to that thread. It’s not personal and not about you taking a stand.

    5. Ask a Manager* Post author

      As others noted, you weren’t banned. I removed your reply because it was inappropriately hostile (as I noted when I removed it) and I closed the thread because that’s what I do when threads get hostile, especially if I won’t be around to moderate it for hours (in this case because it was 3 am, I was about to go to bed, and didn’t want to wake up to a bigger mess). It has nothing to do with taking a stand against ableism and I do not appreciate having that misrepresented.

    6. Chantel*

      Concern about ableism doesn’t give anyone the right to be rude and condescending.

    7. Unkempt Flatware*

      You might just consider finding someone to talk to about your experiences. To carry what seems like a lot of hostility to an online conversation with strangers, that you solicited, does not seem like what an emotionally healthy person would do.

  64. Teapot Translator*

    Twitter accounts to follow?
    The state of the world is bumming me out, so I need to add some nice, light or funny accounts to my Twitter feed.

    1. CTT*

      I’ve really been enjoying @whatsylviaate, which uses Sylvia Plath’s diaries to do an “on this day” thing but only about food. I know Plath isn’t known as the most lighthearted writer, but it’s a fun account and little window into what people ate in the 50s.

      2. pancakes*

        I love that one too. Also:

        – place where cat shouldn’t be (@ catshouldnt)
        – women’s art (@ womensart1)

    2. KR*

      I like the UnsolicitedDiks account which is unsolicited Dik-Dik pics (not what you think and not male organ related)

    3. nep*

      As far as Twitter goes, the only thing that helps me when I feel bummed out about the world was staying away from it.

        1. Teapot Translator*

          I know what you mean, but Facebook has been run over by posts from family that I’m not interested in. Twitter is where I get pictures of birds or random paintings.

          1. nep*

            I see.
            I find solace in a couple of tumblr sites.
            Used to look at birds-and-bakingDOTtumblrDOTcom regularly, but it went private (or whatever the tumblr term is) a while back, and I don’t have an account.
            Another, which is mostly interiors but so beautiful, is damn-heavenly-placeDOTtumblrDOTcom.

  65. Spice for this*

    Since my city opened up more this past month, I have been noticing lots of aggressive drivers on the roads. I have seen, lots of tailgating, speeding, unsafe lane changes, etc.
    Have you noticed the same in your city?

    1. nep*

      My sense / experience is it’s just a general trend–I’ve seen more and more reckless drivers on the road over the past couple of years. Most of my time in the car I’m dodging people driving stupidly.

    3. Natalie*

      Yes, there’s a fair bit of data on this in the US in fact. (Can’t speak to other countries.) Both the rate and the incidence of crashes, traffic fatalities etc has increased noticeably over the past year. I know in my state we had more highway deaths in 2020 than typical, and we’re on track for the same in 2021. That’s just in raw numbers, and despite a pretty widespread and long running stay at home order, so our rate of deaths per miles driven has skyrocketed.

      1. Analyst Editor*

        How much of this is more driving (vs flying) and how much per mile driven? I remember a big to-do about increased fatalities after the big recession and that was driven by miles driven (haha).

        At the same time, I can see how a year of lockdown and stress and upheaval will spill over in lots of unexpected ways.

        1. fposte*

          That’s a really good point over the diversion of airline passengers onto the road. I’m eternally fascinated by the risk equilibrium between transport modes.

        2. Chantel*

          I also notice more semis on the road, likely due to online shopping, and many of those either pass very slowly or get into the far left lane, which bottlenecks traffic and likely causes more speeding and tailgating to make up for time lost once the bottleneck clears.

          At least, that’s my own assessment of increased dangerous driving.

        3. Natalie*

          No, that’s what I meant when I said the *rate* of crashes has increased. In my state, it has risen so much that we also have a greater incidence of highway fatalities in 2020 and (probably) 2021, even though total miles driven has dropped significantly.

          I’ll put a couple of links in a reply, but really you can find a ton on this in the news, it’s been a widely covered story since the summer.

    4. llamaswithouthats*

      I have noticed this increase as traffic has increased, but the people in my city were always terrible drivers so I don’t notice anything there lol

      1. pancakes*

        My city has that reputation too, but I’ve always thought a sizable portion of the worst drivers are people who don’t live here and are anxious, and/or feel they have to be at their most aggressive, because they’re in the big city for the day. Sometimes that’s more or less clear from their plates.

    5. Yellow Warbler*

      My theory is that the people you see driving aggressively were reporting to on-site jobs all along and got used to emptier roads, so now they’re angry and acting out that the “spoiled” remote workers are coming back and clogging up the throughways again.

      Meanwhile, the formerly-remote drivers are out of practice due to staying at home, so they’re making dumb decisions and enraging the on-site drivers even further.

      1. Filosofickle*

        In my area I noticed a big uptick in extremely fast/ aggressive drivers — especially road racing — when the roads were still empty, so it seemed to me the wide open lanes allowed them to drive like bats out of hell and it’s just carrying over to now. I can imagine their aggression could be getting even worse now that they don’t have wide open lanes any more, though, and I do agree the less frequent drivers are out of practice and that’s a factor.

      2. Chantel*

        I’ve stayed home but I take my car out once a week to give her a good run, make sure tires don’t flatten from non-use, etc., and I mix it up between surface and interstate driving. My staying home has not affected my driving habits and decisions whatsoever, and I find the premise dubious at best.

        It’s far more likely that those who continued to work on-site became a bit spoiled at a near-empty commute and are now reacting impatiently to having to share the road once more.

        1. Yellow Warbler*

          I’ve had multiple conversations with friends and colleagues who feel out of practice behind the wheel, so I suppose our anecdotes cancel each other out.

    6. KoiFeeder*

      I have! I had to go out to grab something, and I was afraid just being on the sidewalk near the road because people were driving so aggressively!

  66. Anona*

    How fast is your internet, and what kinds of things do you use it for?
    We’re thinking of cutting cable and trying to figure out what kind of internet we’ll still need.
    We stream some things in 4k, but other than that it’s just two adults occasionally watching videos on our phones at the same time, doing the occasional work zoom, nothing too crazy.

    1. twocents*

      Apparently mine is “up to 100 mbps.” I occasionally stream (very occasional, only when I have something specific to watch); general internet browsing; and the most intense is probably my twice weekly online gaming sessions. It holds up through all that, and at $40/month, hard to beat the price.

    2. BlueWolf*

      Mine is up to 200mbps because I think that is literally the lowest speed Verizon has now in my area. They gave us some special introductory price so we pay $39.99/mo right now but obviously it really varies by where you live and which providers are available. Our previous internet was either 75 or 100 mbps and we were still able to stream to multiple devices with no issues, or use one device for streaming videos and another for online video gaming with no lag issues. The ocasional issues we used to have with our old internet speed were probably more to do with bandwidth (we used to live in an apartment building in a densely populated area, so more strain on the system I think).

    3. Pam*

      We got Spectrum, it’s about $25 per month. I don’t know speed, but it allows myself and my sister to run simultaneous Zoom/Webex all day, and is good for streaming movies and music. No requirement to have cable or phone service.

  67. Teapot Translator*

    Last week, someone asked what we needed to verbalize to get done. So i wanted to ask the question again. What do you need to do today? Verbalizing it might help.
    Me, I’m going to put on an audiobook, do some gardening and then try to do some habitat unforking. I may end up napping instead.

    1. WellRed*

      I still haven’t done taxes but today I am driving out to friend’s house where I’ve stored some of my deceased brother’s larger items, including an ancient pickup, to catalogue and post for sale. It’s time.

    3. Dr. Doll*

      That was me! It helped me too. Today I’m hoping to coax my husband out for a walk, do a work session with colleagues from noon to 3, email several family members, then make a trip to Lowe’s for all the household things that we simply can’t live without for another minute. Husband says he wants to start the taxes.

    4. Dwight Schrute*

      I need to clean my entire house this weekend! It’s a mess and it’s getting to me. Also need to do my brake pads on my car

  68. Victoria, Please*

    My stepdaughter is a new mother (baby is ~9 mos) and I thought it would be nice to get her a present for her first Mother’s Day. I thought a subscription box – what are your favorites for women in their mid-30’s?

    1. Pharmgirl*

      I really like Vella box (candle + small gift). Has a couple sizes. Ive also had my eye on Theracare. A self care one which my be nice for Mother’s Day.

      I also have Ear Fleek (earrings) and Mighty Nest for eco friendly home products, but they are not as “gifty” for a special day.

    2. Yellow Warbler*

      I really like Universal Yums for international snacks. They are a bit of a pain if you use a meal tracker though; a lot of the packages don’t have UPCs.

      FYI, I’ve found that skin/makeup subscriptions are not good for people with sensitive skin. Most of the samples are heavily fragranced, full of silicone/dimethicones, etc.

    3. Fellow Traveller*

      What about a book subscription? Or a chocolate subscription?
      Or a coffee subscription? We’ve done Driftaway coffee before.
      If you want to be spendy, My husband gifted me a Rent the Runway subscription when I had my third baby and I loved it- being able to wear fun designer clothes was the pick me up I needed when my body was in that ever changing post partum phase.
      Might Nest would also have made me happy, but I like getting practical gifts.

    4. Mary Lynne*

      I have been through and canceled several, and the two that I stuck with that I like are causebox – Quarterly, about $50 per box, assortment of housewares, accessories, Beaty care, but all with help the planet or social justice bent, such as recycled or women owned company or made by indigenous people or something. My other favorite is paradise box, about $40 a month and just a fun little collection of things to take care of yourself

  69. Dr. Doll*

    Seeking advice… My husband, whom I adore, is about to fully retire. We work at the same university. He thinks it’s a tar-pit of mediocrity; I think it is a straightforward state school that pretty much does its job and has good intentions. He’s counting the days until the semester is over! I have four more years to work. My job is people-centered, basically a lot of intense emotional labor.

    He’s very extroverted and needs lots of attention. I’m quite introverted and need quiet time, not hours every day or days every week, but more than 10 minutes in the bathroom. I’m concerned that I’ll be peopling all day and then open the home office door (or come home, after the Great Return) and need to continue offering even more high-intensity attention. This complicated by the fact that he thinks the university is not worth the effort so why am I spending myself on the job when I could be available for him? Also if you’re a Rubin fan, I’m an Obliger which means I find it more compelling to meet the job’s expectations than his.

    I’ve directly said, “Honey, this situation concerns me” and have been met with hand-waving. Any advice *besides* counseling & therapy because I have thought of that one?

    1. WellRed*

      Have you spelled out exactly what you’ve written here? Also, has he made some retirement plans? Especially plans of the sort to get him out of the house and socializing? Your concerns are real and it’s reasonable to ask this if him. Also, he needs to stop sh**tng all over your place of work. Now.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      My suggestion is to reframe. Retirement is a moment where you stop doing one thing (work) and move on to doing something else. What is his next gig going to be?

      Yes, this could sound like you are pushing him out the door to his next thing, but reality is that it’s healthy to have activities and interests out side of home. So what will he do to fill up his time? I see over and over again, that the first six months is great, then it kicks in that there is “nothing” to do, nothing to fill up the day. Retirement planning should include what to do with all that extra time.

      Here’s where you come in. Line up a few things that you know you will be doing with your extra time when you retire in four years. Be able to list off these things. I’d say something like, “I am going to learn to quilt and make a lovely quilt for our room. I want to clean the garage and get rid of what we are not using. I think I’d like to do a large tag sale and downsize our stuff, too.”
      Buried in what you are saying here is the fact that even if you retired now you would still not be available for 24/7 chatter. And you emphasize the importance of planning how to use time, also.
      To the complaint about your job, you can insist on logic: “Well, it’s 4 more years and then I get x, y and z benefits which I think we both will appreciate in years to come.” And you can say, “But I am not ready to retire yet. I still want to work.”

    3. fposte*

      I’m kind of with Red in this. I do wonder if he’s processing some of his own feelings about the transition and his value in his comments about the university—like was he dreaming of being an Ivy president and he’s putting down the school rather than acknowledging he’s sad that teaching there was the closest he’s ever going to get and he feels like it was a failure?

      But basically you can’t be his emotional and social retirement plan (and you may not be able to be when you retire, either). I don’t know if he’s be open to suggestions, but there’s a lot of good writing about how to shape retirement as a thing to retire to, rather than just retiring from the job; I think he’d really benefit from reading it (bonus points if he does it in the hour after you get home). I do think you could at least be blunt about his needing to planto find new ways to meet his social needs, because you’re not going to compensate for a day full of co-workers and students. And honestly, that’s about him having a happy retirement as well as you, so for his sake I hope he listens.

    4. BRR*

      It’s good that you’ve directly said this concerns you. I might try following that up with asking why he’s dismissing your concerns. I would lay out your needs and how you won’t be able to fulfill his socialization tank. I would also state what’s not going to change and ask him for his alternative plan.

    5. RagingADHD*

      I’m sure you have plenty of experience navigating summers and school breaks together, when you both have more time on your hands.

      By the time your next semester’s work ramps up, he will soon be able to go out and cultivate IRL groups/activites to get his social fix.

      Extroverts who don’t maintain multiple social outlets tend to fare badly in retirement anyway. He needs to be busy, and that will be good for you as well.

      Your interests are aligned on this.

    6. Observer*

      What the others have said is good.

      But also, are you not going to try therapy / counseling? If so, what is the reason? (That could help people add ideas.) Or do you want something in addition?

    7. Figgie*

      I retired a while ago and my spouse is retiring the first part of January. What I’ve learned about retiring is that while retiring “from” something that you dislike feels good in the moment, those good feelings pass and then you are left with nothing. Much better to retire “to” something than “from” something.

      My social life and friends is pretty well set after a number of years and while I expect my spouse to share some of the same interests, we aren’t going to be joined together for everything. I had to figure out how I wanted to spend my retirement and now he is in the process of figuring that out for himself. The things we do together are some sort of exercise class and working out at the fitness center.

      He is now looking at woodworking that he stopped years ago due to lack of time, more time on a foreign language he is learning and a whole lot of projects around the house. We are still in the process of negotiating shared housework, as I’ve done the majority of it since he is still working, but I don’t anticipate any issues there, as his working from home during the pandemic has opened his eyes as to what needs to be done.

      We are both really introverted and have pretty much sailed through the pandemic living with each other 24/7. Which honestly, makes me a lot less concerned about him retiring and being around all day. Fortunately, we long ago learned to go to our own corners at home and to do our own stuff while ignoring each other. :-)

    8. Mstr*

      Can you reason with him that the university *is* worth 4 more years of work … presumably you are meeting some joint retirement-type goals by staying. So since you have decided to stay because it will meet your needs … he needs to stop complaining about it. You are doing what you have to do & you can choose to have a good attitude that will carry you through pleasantly enough … or you can be weighed down with his complaints & hate every minute of it & possibly fail to meet your goal. It’s not fair for him to cause you misery. You are doing this & he should support you!

    9. ronda*

      I like the forum on mrmoneymustache for answers to this question. The postfire section would be the one that would have most topics about it.

      I also really like what living a fi . com has to say about it.

      1. ronda*

        this is link to when he retired and “making a plan” for your life:
        https://livingafi.com/2015/03/09/building-a-vision-of-life-without-work/

        this is link to when he got divorced after they both retired cause turns out they didn’t want the same things:
        https://livingafi.com/2021/03/17/the-2021-early-retirement-update/
        (I think the moral of this one is build some good communications– as your lives are changing you may reveal stresses that you were not expecting)

    10. Undine*

      Have you spelled out your needs? “I need at least x amount of time to myself in the evening.” As an Obliger* you probably have been hinting, but you need to make your needs clear and what is essential to you. Then the two of you can negotiate how both you can get your needs met.

      Can you come out, spend half an hour with him, then have your down time? Can you say, sure he can do nothing for three months but then he needs to find other things to do.

      Can you find a therapist who can help you figure out how to draw the line?

      * I am a huge Rubin antifan, she really rubs me the wrong way, but even I can figure out what an Obliger is.

    11. Natalie*

      I’ve been in a similar situation with my husband (for different reasons, we’re some decades away from retirement) and things worked out better when I stopped expressing my concerns and trying to help solve his problem, and just got very clear and comfortable about my boundaries and left it to him to solve the problem, or at least ask for help. Getting to that place where I could be comfortable saying “I can’t be your outlet for this” and then stop talking and stop fixing is something I did in therapy. So if you’re open to it, I would consider it if I were you.

    12. Aly_b*

      Chiming in late to say that although I’m an extrovert, sometimes I just need to focus quietly on my thing and not be on call for some cool video my husband just saw on the internet. We’ve worked out that we can say “hey, I’m going to put my headphones on and be in the zone cooking for the next hour or so” and that’s time to not bug each other unless it’s important. I think once it happens, you’ve got to be explicit and clear about when you’re available and when you’re not. Maybe that’s “I need about an hour of downtime once I walk in the door before we can have a real conversation” or “ I’m going to go for a walk and you’re not coming with me”. If he is not getting what he needs from you, he will figure it out. Your job is to make sure you’re getting what you need from him.

  70. Not So NewReader*

    Recs for online grief groups.

    So my friend is home-bound more often than not because of several reasons. She would like an online grief group to join but the one she found is not well-moderated. Her specific problem is that people are telling others what they should be doing now, “X months is long enough, you should be doing Y by now.”
    I think we are all well aware of the problems with that statement. A person in grief can be shattered by such statements.

    The group she has is moderated by social workers but apparently each on has their own set of rules? I don’t quite get it- but when some people monitor some rules fall by the way side it seems.

    I have zero experience with online grief groups and I was wondering if anyone had a positive experience and willing to share the name/source for that group?

    1. Bereaved*

      UK based, but we have found that Care for the Family’s Bereaved Parent Support is immensly helpful. (https://www.careforthefamily.org.uk/family-life/bereavement-support/bereaved-parent-support)

      In general the better support groups of this nature will be run by people who have suffered that cause of grief themselves, so it may be be better if you can find a more focussed group. In such groups we have never had the “You should be at stage X by now” behaviour you describe, but sometimes certain characters do all the talking, consuming more than their fair share of the time.

      In general they have a gatekeeping process to protect members from anyone who is only wanting to get gossip. That can be labour intensive, and so volunteer based organisations can be swamped. This is certainly true of the other, more focused group we also are members of.

  71. Potential Seller*

    Will hopefully be putting our duplex up for sale during this sellers market. Does anyone know if there is a way to put the listing directly on the MLS? I know there are services but trying to cut out the middleman where possible. We have an attorney to deal with any legalities but plan to do the rest ourselves. We sold our last place about 14 years ago, and used a service for which we paid $500, thought there might be a more direct way this time around. Any recommendations? Thanks!

    1. Natalie*

      I doubt it, MLS is a service for brokers. That’s one of the things you get by working with a broker, access to that service.

    2. Ins mom*

      If you haven’t already, consider a preliminary interview with a FSBO service. I just see so many ways a DIY transaction can go awry.

  72. nep*

    Reluctant to go for Pfizer dose #2. (I was on the fence from the get-go.)
    Due to get it this week.
    I’m rather a purist about what I put in my body. And I grant I get ‘attached’ to that; no attachment is healthy, of course. I take perhaps one Advil every year or two–no meds on a regular basis. (I’m beyond grateful for that.) Also I’m concerned of what we don’t know about what’s being injected, long-term effects…
    Mixed feelings, because of course a sort of elation comes when I think of being protected from severe COVID, and the unlikelihood of transmitting the virus. I’d have a really tough time if I were ever to be hospitalised for COVID admitting to health workers I’d not gotten the full vaccine. I really respect Dr. Tom Frieden and I follow his posts about COVID and the vaccine.
    Can anyone here relate? Did anyone here somewhat regret getting first dose and hesitate to go back?

    1. PollyQ*

      Would it help if you thought of the vaccine as something to protect you from harmful substance that might get put in your body, i.e., the COVID virus?

    2. Alex*

      It’s true that we don’t know the long term effects of the vaccine. But…we DO know the long term effects of COVID. IE, possible death, possible disability.

      Vaccines in general have proven to be a very safe technology, especially compared with stuff that we already have entering our bodies each day–from food to air pollution. If you can think of it as “I try to be a purist over what I put into my body, but I also need to balance that with a need to live a full life,” maybe that would help? After all, do you stop breathing in a big city where there is air pollution? If you were to have a medical emergency, would you refuse all life-saving medication until you could research every ingredient? There’s always a limit to what we can be purist about, and I hope you can put the vaccine into the “acceptable” bucket for now, because it could end up saving your life.

      For context, I just received my own second pfizer vaccine this morning!

      1. nep*

        Yes–agree. I had malaria once. No way I was going to refuse meds for that. Had shingles last year. I was eternally grateful for the PA who recognised it straightaway and that the drugs eventually brought relief.
        I am overthinking it. I’m an Olympic overthinker.
        It’s just the irreversibility of it. But I could get hit by a truck, too. Or get severe COVID, which could turn out to be irreversible too. (Death.)
        Ah, life.

        1. Observer*

          Or get severe COVID, which could turn out to be irreversible too. (Death.)

          We do know that some other effects of covid are almost certainly irreversible as well. So there is that.

          And the vaccine doesn’t stay in your body either. So in a sense it’s ephemeral anyway.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      A friend had a really rough time (due to other health issues) and she is refusing to go back. (Her setting was Not Good.)

      I don’t do well with shots or meds usually. In the last 25 years I had script for something once, as you say, I have been fortunate also. I had planned at least 4 slow days after my J and J shot. I am hoping that will be enough. But night #3 I could not stay awake by 7 pm. I was trying to cook something in the oven so I made myself move around to stay awake until the food was cooked. Then I shut the oven off and went straight to bed. I slept 11 hours. I was grateful I did not have to drive anywhere.

      I guess the solution is to just sleep it off and drink plenty of water. Maybe consider a drink with electrolytes in it. It’s probably a good idea to have someone call to check in daily for a short bit. Have some foods or soups lined up. I like the idea of soups because the foods are broken down and the body can absorb the nutrition easier. Silly me, I do home cooked for my dog and I had nothing prepared. (How did I miss that?) Fortunately, I had small bowl of veggies and I could scramble some eggs. He was delighted with that because it was different for him.
      I have to work days 5 through 7 so my focus will just be getting to work and everything else is on hold until I feel more rested. I have been canceling non-work activities.

      I was pretty optimistic going into this, so this is kind of a let down.

      1. nep*

        Thanks. I’m not really concerned about short-term, documented effects like flu-like symptoms, fatigue, etc. I’ve removed any work commitments/engagements for the following couple of days. I mean long-term. And we don’t know because there’s not been a long term.

        1. fposte*

          Do you remember the AAM commenter Joey? He came with a very different viewpoint and I disagreed with him sometimes but really enjoyed him. He said something really wise (it was about management but applies to life) once—that sometimes you have to make a decision without having all the information you want.

          I think that’s where you are. And in a situation like that, we’re wired so that the passive decision will always feel safer than the active one, so that’s really hard to overcome. But remember that mRNA vaccines have been in human trials since 2011, so there’s more history than you might think. And right now you’ve sort of stopped on the railroad tracks—you’ve taken on the risk you fear but you haven’t gotten the advantage of it. Take the risk so you can be close to family, teach lessons in that studio, go for weightlifting clinics with Olympians, in the most safe and inclusive way possible. Remember also what you’re risking by *not* doing it—there is no risk-free here (or most places), just a question of comparative risk.

          1. nep*

            Such a good point about being wired for the passive decision feeling safer than the active one. That translates to a lot of things
            Indeed–I’ve read quite a bit countering how ‘new’ and ‘unproven’ all this is; the research has been underway for a long time.
            As always, fposte, appreciate your thoughtful response.

          2. Anonbeth*

            This is a thoughtful and insightful response, thank you.

            I’ll also highlight the last sentence of your reply because it’s worth repeating and is persuasive even for those who do have vaccine concerns. The question isn’t really “is the vaccine completely safe.” It’s “when I am exposed to covid, do I want full vaccine protection or not.” I’m trusting the experts and the studies that it’s safe, but nep, even if you have some doubts, you can conclude it’s the safER option.

    4. BRR*

      Recent data from the uk suggests you need both doses in order to generate enough of an immune response to protect against the variants, which the vaccines so far show they’re doing a decent job of doing.

      1. BRR*

        Also if it helps the vaccine leaves your body rather quickly. It just leaves a blueprint for your body then gets out so you don’t actually have anything in your body that long.

    5. Filosofickle*

      Early on I was happy to be at the back of the line — I always intended to be vaccinated but wanted to let things play out first. By the time they became widely available, I was ready. It helped me to understand that the mRNA vaccines are considered “new” and this particular vaccine is new, but they aren’t really. This tech is a decade old and the Pfizer vaccine was built on many years of strong, consistent results across multiple viruses, not just 6 months of development time. Another thing that helped (and is still helping) is understanding the statistics for protection. While not 100% — nothing is — the numbers are extremely good! Like, 99%+ protection in most areas of the US. Your odds of getting it are around 1-2% using the very worst numbers (only 70% effectiveness and high transmission rate of ~5%) and more like 0.002% for the better (90% effectiveness and average positivity rates of 2%).

      2. pancakes*

        Yes, and the CDC q&a page about mRNA vaccines looks like a good resource. Although the covid vaccine is new, mRNA vaccines have been studied for decades “for flu, Zika, rabies, and cytomegalovirus (CMV).”

      3. Natalie*

        This is a really important point that I think a lot of conversation is missing – these vaccines weren’t just invented in the last year. Researchers have been working on this type of vaccine for a while, because a “plug and play” style vaccine is an amazing tool for exactly this kind of event.

        And the core function, stimulating the immune system to recognize a pathogen, hasn’t changed since people were rubbing cowpox pus into cuts to prevent smallpox. Biologically, there’s no reason that would cause any kind of long term issue that getting sick from the same pathogen would cause.

      4. Filosofickle*

        (Oops typo, I meant .2% not .002% in the optimistic scenario. I knew I’d mess up something trying to be this technical.)

    6. D3*

      Honestly, this post just smacks SO MUCH of privilege I don’t really know what to say.
      Advil isn’t bad. Your low use of it is not a virtue. (And you REALLY come off as smug to people who need medication to live a good life. Either you’re lucky as hell that you don’t need meds or you are suffering unnecessarily for the ability to be more of “a purist” than others.)
      You have ACCESS to the vaccine, something so many people would love to have. It’s LIFE SAVING and you’re waffling over whether or not to take the second dose because you’re a freaking “purist about what I put in my body” If the situation in your area took a turn like it has in India, you’d be SCRAMBLING for that second dose and you know it.
      Get over that false virtue. Listen to more than one person. I don’t know who that dude is, but it sounds like he’s messing with your head. You want the elation of being protected? You want to avoid being a spreader? FINISH YOUR VACCINE.
      I guess I had words to say after all.

        1. ....*

          It’s really not, and it’s the same attitude tons of people have expressed here before.

        3. Observer*

          It’s harsh, but it’s not all that unkind.

          I would have put it differently, but I very much agree with D3. I would also add that this kind of “purism” and equation of not taking medication with moral virtue does a lot of damage to a lot of people. In this case allowing that attitude to win means that someone who COULD cut their chance of spreading the virus chose to NOT stop that spread.

          1. nep*

            When did I say my not taking a lot of meds is a moral virtue? Certainly did not set out to say or imply that.

            1. Observer*

              I’ll take your word for it. But that is exactly what it sounded like. And it uses the same language that is used by people who DO explicitly frame is as moral virtue. And, it’s not just the use of the word “purist”.

              My point was that as harshly as D3 put it, the issue they highlight and the way you presented the dilemma are both significant.

              1. nep*

                Poorly worded on my part, and shouldn’t have shared anyway. When I go back and read my OP, I see how it comes across like na na na na na na–I don’t take medicines–I’m better than you.
                First World Problems and all that.
                (A UNICEF-Niger video just popped up in my LinkedIn feed about how great it is that they’re getting shipments of the vaccine there.)

                1. 00ff00Claire*

                  For what it’s worth, I personally did not read your post as bragging about not taking medicines. I read it as someone who is concerned about the unknown, and maybe it’s because I can relate to that, but I also felt like D3 was kind of harsh and unhelpful in their response. I know people who are much more hesitant than you come across as being, and I wouldn’t dream of responding to them that way.

                  The majority of the people I know who are hesitant are so because they really don’t understand the science of the vaccines, or enough about science and medicine in general to be able to weed out the misinformation for themselves. They are people who have had to keep working in jobs that can’t go remote throughout the pandemic, do all of their shopping in person because delivery and pick-up is impractical or costs more, and can’t keep their children home for remote learning, and still most of them have not gotten sick (yet). The information that they are working with – making it safely through the pandemic so far without drastically changing their lives, and a poor understanding of science – means that for them, their unconscious risk vs reward analysis comes up short with respect to the vaccine. All of the current evidence indicates that their analysis is incorrect, but they don’t have the knowledge or skills to recognize that it is.

                  I find it a bit ironic that some people here are calling you out for being privileged and smug without seeming to recognize their own privilege of circumstances that have benefited them so that their (conscious or unconscious) risk vs reward analysis lines up more accurately with the current evidence. While I am in agreement with them that the most logical action for the vast majority of people is to get the vaccine, I’m not quite sure I can get on board with the idea of getting a vaccine as being virtuous (I ponder this often lately and go back and forth with it a lot). So for those who think you believe in the virtue of NOT taking medicine to scold you because they think taking a vaccine is virtuous, they are coming across to me as a bit hypocritical and also unhelpful.

                2. StudentA*

                  00ff00Claire, completely agree with you. What an uncharitable interpretation of nep’s post. It’s pretty mind boggling to me. I don’t like saying this online, but I can’t function without meds, and I still understand her very human hesitation.

        4. other girl*

          Not harsh nor unkind. I lost my dad to Covid. My contry has a negationist for a President and 5.000 people are dying everyday. Hospitals dont have medication for putting patients in mechanic ventilators. Having Access to a vaccine that is saving lifes and that other countries desperatly needs and being “oh I dont know if I should, I *care* about my body” is só priviledge and so tone death. The backlash is 100%deserving

      2. PollyQ*

        FWIW, Dr. Tom Frieden is an expert in public health and is a strong advocate for the COVID vaccine.

      3. Reba*

        Wow, nep is not GOOP here, sheesh. They re seeking commiseration and comments about their *worries* not what you read as their superiority. Be kind.

      4. Nela*

        Honestly I had the same reaction as you in my mind when I’ve read it. It’s OK to be worried, but we also need to be aware of our own privilege that a decision such as this is even on the table.

        I’m 35, no chronic physical issues (hence I can’t get vaccinated yet where I live), work from home, read ingredients on all products I’m putting in an on my body, and given the choice I would 100% get a vaccine.

        1. Natalie*

          Yeah, I get it. The amount of vaccine misinformation and pseudoscience that keeps showing up here, week after week, is super frustrating. I’m pretty much done myself.

            1. Glomarization, Esq.*

              For reals, why not ban COVID and vaccine talk on the weekend threads and in weekday comments? People who have questions should ask their healthcare provider and/or look for the answer through the CDC (or their relevant government health authority). There is quite literally nothing regarding the virus, the illness it causes, and the vaccine that commenters — or, respectfully, you — can add to the conversation that isn’t better answered by health professionals.

              1. Cardboard*

                +1. The constant hand-wringing and misinformation around vaccines every week in these threads is a bit frustrating, and I don’t think we would lose much by putting an end to it here.

                1. KoiFeeder*

                  I’d say some of it is just ambiguous wording combined with the fact that I don’t think anyone’s reading comprehension is at its best right now (shout out to the time I meant to say “getting COVID resulted in my dad getting shingles despite his shingles vaccine” and ended actually communicating “my dad got shingles from the vaccine,” oops), but even if 1% was genuine vaccine misinformation that’s too much.

              2. Ask a Manager* Post author

                That might be the way to go. I don’t think we can ban it altogether — it comes up in relevant ways with all sorts of work questions — but for any questions about the vaccine itself, people should be consulting expert sources.

            2. nep*

              I surely don’t mean to propagate or even hint at vaccine misinformation; if my post came anywhere near that, I regret it all the more. (Jeez, I’m singing Dr. Tom Frieden’s praises.)
              Simply had my upcoming second dose on my mind and the ‘attachment’ issue I have. I almost emailed you, Alison, right after posting that, to ask you to remove. Oh well.

            3. Spearmint*

              Perhaps on posts that related to the vaccine you could sticky a comment at the top saying that we won’t be debating vaccine effectiveness, the health risks, etc. and then leave a link to a reputable source or two that people can read (like a CDC or FDA website, perhaps?).

              1. nep*

                It’s interesting–the very idea I had is that it feels crazy to be hesitant in a world where this virus has wreaked such havoc. One of the things I’ve been saying so often is, imagine if all the efforts were still going into finding an effective vaccine. Instead, thank goodness, the efforts are in producing them and getting them into people’s arms.

              1. Ask a Manager* Post author

                It’d catch a ton of things I wouldn’t want it to (from questions about offices bringing vaccinated people back to “now that I’m vaccinated, I’m seeing family again”), but I think the suggestion above could work.

            5. Natalie*

              Well, not to be a giant downer but I think your options are pretty limited without a fair amount of active moderation. Among the various societal things the pandemic has highlighted is how absolutely piss poor our general scientific literacy is and the abysmal state of science journalism in particular. (Shout to WaPo’s ridiculous mischaracterization of the mask effectiveness proof of concept work that they never retracted.) And that is true of people who identify as taking the pandemic seriously as much as it is true of people who don’t, unfortunately.

              Not hosting conversations about the risks and effectiveness of the vaccines in the open threads couldn’t hurt, but this kind of vague fearmongering is coming up in the comments of pretty much every covid related answer. I don’t know how you keep that under control without a lot of moderation.

      5. nep*

        Wow.
        You’re mistaking me for someone who thinks not taking meds is a virtue.
        Bad way on my part to explain my hesitancy–the ‘purist’ line. I really was just seeking to give some context for this sense of ‘what am I voluntarily putting in my body that might cause havoc down the line’?
        My life has been saved by meds (malaria bout and more) and I count my blessings every day for my health.
        As I said below, it’s one of the posts here I regret. Not that that means anything now.

        1. Calliope*

          I mean, people aren’t responding because of your phrasing. They’re reasoning because unscientific vaccine hesitancy actually kills people other then the vaccine hesitant.

        2. RagingADHD*

          Well, if you’re emotionally attached to not taking Advil, that indicates that you have made this type of avoidance an important part of your identity.

          And people usually build their identities around things they perceive as virtues.

          So if you don’t believe that avoiding medication is a virtue, where does that emotional attachment come from? Anxiety?

          Anxiety isn’t usually an attachment. It’s painful and most people want to get rid of it, not identify with it.

          1. nep*

            Thanks. Interesting.
            Not attached to ‘not taking Advil’ per se, but a whole control thing when it comes to my body, having barely made it through an eating disorder years back. Much of that lingers, especially when I’m stressed, which I very much am these days.

    7. pancakes*

      I don’t think there’s a creature on this planet that can accurately be describe as a purist about what it puts in its body. For many years now it’s been clear from many, many studies that microplastics are routinely found in the human bloodstream, human placentas, drinking water around the world, at the highest mountain peaks, in the deepest parts of the ocean, etc. etc. etc. Even if you could find a way to live at the bottom of the Mariana Trench and eat a severely restricted diet, the idea that what’s in your body would thereby be within your control would be illusory. Purity is not a realistic or actionable goal for healthcare decisions.

      1. llamaswithouthats*

        This. I’m tired of this purist nonsense. There is a funny tweet going around how some of the public figures who are fearmongering about the vaccine don’t think twice about injecting Botox into their faces.

        1. nep*

          Just an expression. Picked the wrong one. I did almost hit cancel–probably should have. Wanted to get a feel for others who might have hesitation and why.
          I am again learning the lesson that I should cancel out rather than post here. All good.

          1. Ashamed*

            For what it’s worth, I think I get what you’re saying. It’s just a really charged topic for people. I am very pro-science, pro-vaccine, all of it… but I’m embarrassed to say that taking a new medication or getting the new vaccine kind of freaks me out. I KNOW that any chance of problems is very, very slim. I KNOW that the vaccines are way better than getting covid. I know I need to do this for the good of society, and I will, and I’m not proud of my emotional reaction… but there it is.

            1. nep*

              These could be my words. (You said things far better than I did.)
              (Someone above even thought I was mentioning the great Dr. Frieden in some anti-vax defense. Sheesh.)

      2. nep*

        Of course. It’s basically just an expression. Naturally we cannot at this point control what’s going into our bodies at every second.

    8. lemon meringue*

      One thing that I think the pandemic has really clarified for me is that we tend to seriously overestimate how much freedom we have to act as individuals. The boundaries between ourselves and others, both social and physical, are a lot more porous than we like to believe. I think most people recognize this intellectually, but on an intuitive level, it is hard to grasp that any kind of decision you think you’re making for yourself will radiate outward into the community. Recognizing this requires some letting go of control, but in the long run, I think it’s healthier for everyone.

    9. 00ff00Claire*

      I try to be careful about what I put in my body, too (partly because if a medicine has a side effect, I will probably experience it!). I probably research any medications I have to take too much, and to top it off, myself and some family members can react badly to things that are truly innocuous for most people. So I am fairly cognizant that it’s possible to receive a nasty side effect from almost anything. I was mostly nervous about any short-ish term side effects because I haven’t yet come across any credible evidence to support being concerned about long-term effects. Even though the mRNA vaccines have not been tested in what we would consider “long-term”, when you are talking about a vaccine, side effects showing up years later is just not a thing, and there’s nothing to indicate that these will be different. Researching and finding all of that information has helped ease the worries that I did have.

      Yes, there is certainly a risk, and my opinion is that sometimes it’s not helpful to emphasize how “safe” the vaccines are, because honestly, nothing is “safe” for everyone. I think it’s far more helpful to think about the risk vs. reward, especially in the context of the real world we are living in. I wish the whole world would have tried the tactics adopted by New Zealand and Australia, and been successful, so that the risk of contacting and spreading COVID was almost zero without the vaccine. But that’s not the reality I live in, and the risks for me of contracting and spreading COVID are so much higher than the risk of a reaction to the vaccine, that it became a no brainer to me, logically, even though I still had worries. So, even being nervous, especially about the second dose, I focused on the logic and made the decision to do the thing most likely to have a favorable (for me) outcome. I never regretted either dose, but I was certainly nervous about both.

      My household has been extremely careful about COVID. I have never been particularly worried for myself, but there are several members of my family that I very much do not want to get COVID. It would be hard enough if one of my vulnerable family members got it, but I don’t know how I could handle it if they got it from *me*. Any time I have interacted with the family members who do not live with me, we have followed all of the safety guidance, yet I still worried I could bring it to them. So, despite how cautious we have been, there has been the constant worry that I could pick it up and give it to them.

      It’s been a month since I’ve been fully immune, and yesterday I had a real meal with some of those vulnerable family members (they are all fully vaccinated too, so we were within CDC guidelines for activities fully-vaxxed folks can do). Just being able to sit here today and think about yesterday without a single worry makes the vaccine 1000% worth it.

      1. nep*

        Such great points. I have the same take in a lot of ways. And as I posted above, given what health workers have gone through in this pandemic (unspeakable), I couldn’t possibly look one in the eye as they’re intubating me and acknowledge I didn’t get the vaccine. Makes me shiver to think about it.

    10. RagingADHD*

      The vaccine is not “irreversable.” It’s not an implant. It leaves your system quickly. The only thing that remains in your body are antibodies that your own immune system made.

      Nature is not benign. It’s constantly trying to kill you. The very soil under your feet is waiting to digest you as soon as you stop moving. Your immune system and your brain exist to defend you from nature.

      Medicine and vaccines are our brain outwitting nature. If you refuse their protection, you will, sooner or later, have to take your chances against this virus. Do you want to go into that fight unarmed?

    11. Jules the First*

      So the best explanation I’ve been given about the mRNA vaccines is this:
      The vaccine is like having a celebrity chef over to bake cookies (covid spike proteins) in your kitchen. They bring the recipe (the mRNA), but use your ingredients and all your equipment (your muscle cells). Being a generous sort, you share the resulting cookies with your housemates (immune cells) and they devour them in a couple of days. A few weeks later, a coworker drops off a batch of the same recipe cookies (covid exposure), and your housemates come running and munch their way through the new batch (immune response). The more times the chef comes to bake cookies at your place, the more likely your housemates are to remember those particular cookies and eat them. The long term consequences are mostly that your housemates will get tired of these cookies, or that you’ll get some new housemates who don’t know how awesome these cookies are. And, of course, if the pandemic ends and no one brings these cookies around again, your housemates will eventually forget about them, until the day you find the recipe down the back of a cupboard.

      On a serious note, getting one of your shots but not the second is the worst of your options – you have enough protection to knock out a mild case of covid, but not enough to handle a really aggressive one…and the response your immune system mounts in the face of an aggressive one is an amazing opportunity for the virus to see our defensive tactics and report back to all it’s friends. The more often the virus encounters a partial response, the better the odds that evolution and mutation will find a way around that response, which makes everyone else’s shots less protective.

        1. Jules the First*

          Hope it helped! I do understand where you’re coming from…I’m both high risk for #reasons and pregnant with a much-wanted baby who has been five years in the making. Even knowing all the science hasn’t stopped me from having omg moments where I think I’m crazy for taking the vaccine. Which in turn means that I ended up putting mine off nearly 12 weeks until I felt confident that baby would be ok even if the shot caused complications (which the research is very clear it does not…). So now I’m getting mine next weekend and then crossing my legs to try and keep baby on the inside for a few more weeks so we can both maximise the benefit of our first dose (I’ll get the second after baby arrives, while I’m breastfeeding)

    12. Neptune*

      I mean, if the issue is that you fancy yourself a “purist” then perhaps consider the amount of meds and medical equipment that you will be forced to allow into your body if you do contract COVID. Treatment for COVID patients might include dexamethasone, remdesivir, medications to reduce the risk of blood clots or blood thinners, and all the usual OTC medications that you might need to manage the symptoms, which would add up to a lot more than one Advil. And, of course, should you need to be put on a ventilator and intubated then that would involve having a tube put down your airway. Oh, and if you were to develop long Covid then you might be requiring even more meds for weeks, months or years.

      I do concur with the person above who mentioned the privilege inherent in this question but I also am not really sure if this is actually why you are hesitant, because I think the answer on that basis is pretty clear. One vaccine – which you’ve already had half of, anyway! – versus the possibility of significant, prolonged medical intervention involving many many meds.

    13. Calliope*

      If you get severe Covid you’re going to end up taking a lot of drugs that might well be more experimental than the vaccines, so.

    14. nep*

      I’ll never use the word purist again.
      I’ll be very purist about never using the word purist again.

    15. Observer*

      So, I did finish reading this thread before answering.

      My first thought is don’t air this concern around people who are high risk, need a fair amount of medication to have a decent life, were forced to wait for a vaccine despite situations that should have put them high on the list and / or have relatives in places like India and Brazil (Or even Canada, where case rates are reasonably low, but the price has been extremely high.) There is no way you could put it that still would not rankle and probably infuriate people in those situations.

      On a practical basis there are (at least) two major issues with your thinking. One is that you are getting hung up on a possible theoretical long term effect that we have good reason to believe does not exist. (We actually have a lot of information about mRNA, which has been in human trials for 10 years, and about mRNA vaccines, because these actually are not the first ones to have been developed and studied. They are just the first that have been deployed at scale.) So basically, what you are saying is “I don’t want to do this because there is a theoretical chance that in 10 years I might have some sort of unknown negative effect.” And you are ignoring that in the meantime you are taking a significant and non-theoretical risk of death or other known long term (and in some cases irreversible) side effects.

      The second thing is that you are placing this theoretical long term risk to yourself over the very well known and documented risks to others. Unlike many other decisions, vaccination is something that has a very strong direct effect on others.

      1. nep*

        Thanks.
        Except I’m not placing a theoretical long-term risk over the risk to others. I signed up for the vaccine. Got my first dose. (And just to be clear, I’m not claiming ‘virtue’ there either.)
        Today is a perfect example of Not. Every. Thought. Needs. To. Be. Aired.
        My bad.

        1. Ashamed*

          Me again. I do wish it was easier to talk about things like this without people thinking that you’re an anti-science, pro-conspiracy wacko. Every viewpoint isn’t at one extreme or the other. Every feeling isn’t completely consistent with our knowledge and logic (or other feelings). I appreciated reading some of the helpful and thoughtful responses your post generated though.

    16. Not A Manager*

      “Can anyone here relate? Did anyone here somewhat regret getting first dose and hesitate to go back?”

      Well, I can relate. Not about the vaccine in particular, but I have a bit of a “no take backsies” knee-jerk to almost anything new I put in my body. Even tasting a food that is very unusual to me, after I swallow the first bite I have a feeling of “welp, if I have an allergic reaction I guess I’ll be sorry.” Honestly, I think this comes from the very, very old days when I might or might not have ingested controlled substances and I was waiting for them to kick in.

      So I do understand about that feeling of “something just went in that I can’t take out.” I respect you for interrogating your intuitions and recognizing that they are misleading you. I’m glad that you got some good support on this thread, and I personally am also glad you posted it because I’ll bet it helped other people as well.

    17. mreasy*

      If you’ve already had dose 1, from what I’ve read, you’ve got most of the effect. Dose 2 is more likely to give you flu symptoms, but if your hesitancy is about putting the thing in your body…that ship has sailed. It’s an anxious time but I’ll say, as someone who is now fully immunized, my overall worry level (always so, so high) is noticeably lower. (I had to go to the ER and for a 5 day hospital stay during peak covid last summer and it was so scary – since you never know what could happen, it’s worth just having that peace of mind.)

      1. nep*

        +1
        Ya–that ship has sailed.
        Hope all’s well after whatever brought you to the ER for five days!

    18. Undine*

      This is a really difficult time with a lot of uncertainty, and in my experience, anxiety will attach to whatever excuse it can find. So if you are an anxious person who has been stressing about Covid and you get the vaccine which takes some of the edge off that worry, it’s very natural for that anxiety to roll itself right over to worries about the vaccine. I think of it as kind of like the pink ring around the bathtub in the Cat in the Hat Comes Back, you can move it around but you can’t get rid of it logically. I think you know that getting the vaccine is safer than alternative and I think you may just have to sit with the worry and uncertainty.

      I don’t think it’s helpful to talk about this as a first world problem, it’s an everywhere problem. During the Ebola epidemic, there were people really hostile to healthcare workers, and people have been killed trying to get people vaccinated. Gandhi let his wife die rather than let her have an injection of penicillin. The anxiety and uncertainty are real and natural wherever they show up.

      The important thing, it sounds like, is you are going to do what you know is right despite your fears, and that’s actually a really brave thing.

    20. Lilo*

      I’ve found fighting vaccine misinformation is extremely difficult. My Dad is a pediatrician sub specializing in neurology and neurodevelopment. He literally goes to conferences on autism and writes papers and gives talks. And he’ll be the first to rebut antivax stuff.

      But I mention this to people and one person actually said “well your dad wants to drum up business” horrifying. (My Dad actually gets better billing from well child visits than his specialty stuff, but really, they think my Dad wants to harm kids?) I mentioned all of us and all his grandkids are fully vaccinated and some people believe there’s some secret cabal to give fake vaccines (even though my Dad doesn’t even know my kid’s doctor’s name).

      It’s utterly insane and I’ve kind of given up trying to fight it.

      Anyway, my Dad the doctor and my sis the med student are both very pro vaccine. I got Pfizer 1 and 2 myself. I was tired for a week, but compared to a friend of mine who was a healthy woman in her 30s got heart and lung damage from COVID or my FIL who has kidney damage from COVID and is looking at dialysis now, being a little sleepy wasn’t a big deal at all.

    21. StudentA*

      You’re really getting piled on and I don’t think it’s warranted or fair in the slightest. You weren’t submitting your opinion. This was a worry you had. You’re allowed to be scared of the unknown. Vaccines are drugs after all.

      Some people think they have more right to an opinion (as in criticizing you) because they have a chronic illness or for some other factor. I don’t know. I’m not gonna get into all the reasons this pandemic is relevant to me personally and “let me count the ways,” but I’m just here to let you know that while I myself got the vaccine and am encouraging others to do the same, I feel your post was subjected to a lot of projection and judgmental response.

    22. Old and Don’t Care*

      So this may not be exactly where you’re coming from, but sort of. It won’t be well received; folks can just assume I’ve read the other comments.

      2020 was the first year I’ve had a flu shot. I don’t get sick, and I have an emotional attachment to being someone who Doesn’t Get Sick. I’ve never had the flu, and getting the flu shot would conflict with my identity as someone who doesn’t get sick. (For the record I don’t view this as a virtue; more like a characteristic. If I had red hair I would be emotionally attached to that, and dyeing my hair would conflict with my identity as Someone Who Has Red Hair. Etc.)

      I also don’t really like shots. I know, nobody does. I need to get the shingles vaccine, but have been putting it off because I’ve heard it hurts for a while. I don’t have any emotional attachments related to this, I’m just afraid.

      I got the Pfizer vaccine as soon as I could, with happiness and no regrets. Whatever downsides, real or imaginary were far outweighed by my conviction that vaccination is the only way out of this, my fear of unwittingly spreading the virus, and my desire just not to have to think about it so much and get back towards normal. In my mind, there’s really no other option. I want to expand my bubble. I can’t imagine having to call everyone I’ve been in contact with and tell them I’ve exposed them to COVID. I’m comfortable with all the medical experts’ opinion on the safety. I want to go to the gym and do other higher risk things I’ve avoided. I really don’t want to expose anyone to COVID when I could have been vaccinated; I’d be ashamed of myself.

      It just really is the right thing to do.

  73. No Sleep Till Hippo*

    For what it’s worth, I’m with both of you. I’m very pro-vaccine, already got my first dose, and genuinely think everyone who possibly can get vaccinated should do so, at the earliest opportunity.

    But. I don’t think it’s at all unreasonable to have doubts, either. Others have well-covered the technology used to create the vaccine and how it’s built on a solid foundation, but I don’t think it’s unreasonable to be nervous about the fact that we don’t really know the long-term effects of Covid itself – and by extrapolation, that might mean there are unknown effects to the vaccine. That doesn’t seem like a huge leap to me, though I agree with others that it’s probably unlikely.

    There’s also the uncomfortable truth that capitalism is in the mix, and we’ve seen several very public examples of pharma companies putting profit ahead of public safety with other drugs. It’s not hard to imagine they could be doing the same here (though, again, there are factors that make that less likely as well). Trust has been damaged at a time when we desperately need it to be intact, and shaming individuals for expressing hesitancy isn’t going to do anything to get it back.

    Like I said – I’m getting vaccinated, and I sincerely hope everyone else who is able to does so as well. I hope you’ve found some comfort in this thread, nep, and I’m sorry some folks came down on you so hard. I think it’s frankly a little obtuse to act like there’s no reason to be hesitant, or to rake someone over the coals for feeling like it’s risky and second-guessing the decision.

    1. No Sleep Till Hippo*

      Argh, nesting fail – was meant to be a response to nep and Ashamed in the last thread. :(

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