weekend open thread – June 26-27, 2021

by Alison Green on June 26, 2021

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand.

Here are the rules for the weekend posts.

Book recommendation of the week: People We Meet on Vacation, by Emily Henry. Poppy and Alex have been best friends since college and take a trip together every year. On the last one, things Went Awry and now they must fix things. This is like the book version of a really delightful rom-com, and genuinely funny in surprising ways.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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  1. Bee*

    I come to the AAM community to see if anyone can relate and, perhaps, share information and/or support.
    I woke up the one day the last week of March with a plugged left ear. I figured it was a buildup of earwax, which happens every few years. I couldn’t hear well. I figured about 80% of my hearing was gone. Long story short and for a variety of reasons, I couldn’t get in to see an ENT until two weeks ago. After hearing tests and an exam, the doctor diagnosed me with Sudden Sensorineural Hearing Loss (SSHL).

    It is basically just like it sounds: immediate onset of deafness, almost exclusively on one side. There’s a feeling of fullness, as if there were a whole pack of cotton balls stuffed in there. So, I can hear (sometimes: depending on what it is) that there is a sound over there, sometimes what people are saying, sometimes not. It depends on the surrounding sound/conversation/noise.

    Most often there is no known cause. Treatment consists of a course of steroids. The discouraging thing is that treatment is much more likely to make a difference when it is caught and started within 2-3 days instead of 2.5 months. It’s a trite and stupid saying but it is what it is. I have some hope there will be some recovery of my hearing and definite hope it won’t worsen.

    As many know, ear problems also cause problems with dizziness and balance. Yes, both are present.

    There is still a lot I don’t know about this problem, how it will affect my life now and in the long-term.
    Has anyone else experienced this? Did any treatments work? Hearing aids?

    1. 1/2 Deaf*

      It happened to me 4yrs ago. I didnt see and ENT for 4 months, but did get prednisone because the first dr said it was Meniere’s disease.

      No return of hearing. Balance and vertigo in that ear. I cannot afford hearing aides or implants, so I just deal with it.

      It is exhausting trying to follow conversations in noisy places. I do stay home more now because of it. I work in an elementary school and struggle a lot with hearing what is being said, but one ear isnt considered a disability.

      Facebook has some really good groups for this. You will get way better info than asking here. There are also support groups if you google.

    2. Elizabeth T.*

      Depending on what you do for work, be sure to talk to your company’s health & safety person/officer/mgr/etc. to ensure that limited hearing does not pose an increased risk to your safety.
      Your ability to accurately sense your environment is a major factor in keeping yourself safe.
      This even applies in office areas, not just manufacturing.
      e.g. you might need a telephone that has better audio – or a headset with better audio for your phone.
      This also applies to driving.
      Be sure that the medical/health professionals providing treatment are giving you advice on how to manage the temporary/long-term change in risk.

    3. Felis alwayshungryis*

      I’m sorry! (I wanted to say I’m sorry to hear that, but, well…)

      This happened to my mother-in-law some years ago, due to an ear infection. She manages fine now, after some adjustment, but she just has to make sure that if she’s at a restaurant or something, the people she wants to talk to are on her good side. The silver lining is that if her husband’s snoring or the grandkids are being noisy first thing, she can roll over and not have to hear them ;-)

      1. Carol the happy elf*

        I am so sorry to hear that. My mother lost her hearing later in life, and her hearing aids got eaten by her puppy. (Evidently that’s a thing, with puppies…) So instead of a rescue dog that cost $125, she called him her Gold Plated Idiot. $4,575.00 plus neutering!
        One thing you do need is a card from your doctor if you drive. You mentioned dizziness, but with that, you may also have the darting eyes that police can mistake for intoxication. (I have something called BPPV, benign positional paroxysmal vertigo from a crystal in my inner ear.) Walking a straight line is also not going to happen if you’re pulled over when it’s acting up. And tossing your cookies in front of a cop would seal that deal.

        If you know someone who has a really good insurance plan and gets new hearing aids every few years, an audiologist can clean,do an impression with dental goop to fit them to your ear canal, and program them, if they work. My sister inherited my mother’s when she passed; the funeral director mentioned that several of his clients have done this, or donated them to an audiology department for recycling to people who can’t afford them.

        It’s like when I get new glasses, keep last year’s, and donate the previous year’s to the Lions club for charity.

        Best of luck with this.

        1. Skeeder Jones*

          Not commenting on the hearing issue but just wanted to say that my dad was in Lion’s club my entire life and I remember all their drives for glasses donations and white cane day. It was very important to my dad and he would have donated his corneas when he died but there was too great a risk of infection (he had cancer). Thank you for donating your old glasses to the Lion’s club, that really touches my heart.

          1. Carol the happy elf*

            We always donated our old glasses, since I outgrew my first pair.
            When each of my parents passed away, the Lions’ club were at the ER to harvest eyes, and because of their health problems, that was all we could donate. There are so many people whose lives would be wonderful with my old frames and your old lenses.
            Hearing aids are like that, too.
            Also, we had a wheelchair, 2 walkers, 2 foot braces, several canes, knee brace, wrist braces from parents and our own clumsiness. Those go to a place called “Road to Independence” near my friend’s town. They go to the homeless, get rented for a few weeks/months, or sent abroad.

            1. Working Hypothesis*

              There’s a place near where I live that rehabilitates used mobility equipment (and a lot of other home health stuff, too). It gives it away to people who can’t afford to buy, and sells it to people who can at excellent prices, using the money to keep it in operation. Called the MSHH Donor Closet, but it’s not exclusively for people with MS. I’ve gotten some good equipment there for dealing with my fibromyalgia. They also refer to other sources for stuff they don’t carry.

              If there’s anything similar near you, it might either carry hearing aids or be able to tell you where to find inexpensive used ones that can be reprogrammed for you.

      2. Selective hearing*

        I got horrendous tinnitus in my left ear in 2009 that lasted a few weeks after I was on antibiotics. In 2016 after suffering tinnitus for 10 months straight and one attack of vertigo I was diagnosed with mild to moderate SNHL on my left. It makes it hard to follow conversations in noisy environments. I have a HA now (oticon) on my left – it is fantastic and it allows me to select 3 settings to use with an app on my phone – one for normal activities, one for noisy environment and a setting that plays a soothing sound when my tinnitus is killing me. A bonus for me is that I can stream sound from videos on youtube when I am stuck socializing with a certain family member that I absolutely loath! Hence my chosen name for this post!
        To add some hope for you in your situation I can tell you that in 2016 after my diagnosis I did wake up one day and my tinnitus was gone and my hearing returned to normal literally over night- but last year after an attack of vertigo it was back to what it was in 2016 – you might have better luck, I hope you will

    4. MissB*

      I wasn’t diagnosed with this but boy does this sound like what I’m going through. I felt like I lost hearing in my right ear suddenly about six months ago. Not full loss- but it feels like the ear needs to release pressure or is under water.

      Until I was fully vaccinated I was unwilling to go to the ENT.

      I have a hard time determining the location of a sound unless I’m facing it, which is an odd effect.

      But… I went to the ENT a few weeks ago and my hearing test results for both ears were within normal range. I have some high frequency loss in the right ear but nothing else is wrong that they can tell. I’m supposed to go back down n 6 months for a repeat.

      I’m so sorry! I’m glad you have a good answer at least.

      1. It's Quarantime!*

        Ugh, I’m so sorry!
        I had sudden, unexplained, partial hearing loss earlier this year. The pressure did eventually fade, it took about 3 months to get used to it. My ENT said it’s not actually pressure. In the past, when your hearing was muffled like this you could pop your ears and it would even out your hearing again. Now there’s something else making it hard for you to hear but your ear doesn’t know that and so it’s sending signals that it needs to pop.
        It’s like having a rock in your shoe, vs having a shoe that is made with a bump in it. In both circumstances your brain will describe the annoyance as a rock, but only one actually is.
        I don’t know if this is making any sense, but I’m so sorry that you’re going through this.

        2. Working Hypothesis*

          Another close analogy is phantom limb pain. Your brain isn’t getting any signals from that limb, and usually when that happens (and the limb is still present at all) it means there’s a cramp there. So the brain manufactures a sensation that means “cramp in left arm, boss!” because it’s trying to report that to you. Except there isn’t a cramp in the left arm, because there isn’t even a left arm anymore — it’s just a mistaken impression the brain had and ‘helpfully’ translated for you.

          In this case, the mistaken impression your brain is getting due to the hearing loss is, ‘clogged passage in left ear, boss!’ And so it’s helpfully trying to communicate that. Except it’s still wrong.

          They are doing some truly fascinating treatments for phantom limb pain with mirror boxes. Let’s say you’re having that cramping type pain in a missing left hand, and you obviously can’t relieve it by stretching the hand because the hand is no longer a part of you. You put your *right* hand into a box and then look into the viewer, and it shows you a reflection so you see both hands in front of you, even though the left isn’t your real left; it’s just a reflection of the right due to the mirror. Then you stretch and flex the right hand, watching carefully as the “left hand” you see beside it also appears to stretch and flex. Apparently that is often enough to persuade the brain that you have taken care of the problem and it doesn’t have a cramp in your left hand anymore, because didn’t it just see you stretch out your ‘left’ hand? And so it stands down and quits sending you pain messages.

          I’m not sure if there is any possible similar treatment to fool the brain into standing down from sending you messages that your ear is clogged when it isn’t. But there might be? It’s worth investigating, perhaps, anyhow.

    6. Elle Woods*

      I can’t speak to the SSHL issue but I know of the dizziness and balance problems with inner ear issues. I was diagnosed with benign paroxysmal positional vertigo (BPPV) about a decade ago. As treatment for it, the ENT did a canalith repositioning procedure. It’s an in-office treatment that involves moving the head in various positions to move particles into the vestibule in your inner ear and reduce dizziness. I had one treatment and it significantly reduced the number of BPPV episodes I had. I suggest it only because it may help resolve the dizziness and balance issues you’re dealing with.

      Good luck!

      1. Barbara Eyiuche*

        Try looking up the Epley Maneuver on YouTube if you have vertigo. This is the canalith repositioning procedure, but you can try doing it yourself. I feel that it worked better when a physiotherapist did it, but doing it myself was almost as good, and free.

    7. my mother had this*

      this happened to my mom. it was pretty sad. she also didn’t see an ENT right away. thought it would come back, then she thought it was ear wax, then it was just too late. she got the steroid injections anyway, but nothing. i’m sorry, it really sucks. it feels like someone died. she didn’t have dizziness or anything luckily.

    8. Kyle*

      I have had chronic ear infections this year (causing similar issues) and it appears to be caused by my laundry detergent and my ear being in contact with my laundered pillow all night. I’ve switched to a different hypoallergenic detergent and it seems to be improving.

      Might be worth a shot, if it makes no difference, you’ll still use the detergent.

      1. Jasmine*

        Sorry you are facing this. Check online for an Independent Living Center. They have counselors who can help you learn to deal with this. They can recommend tools and resources it will make your life easier.
        The centers have resources for the deaf, hard of hearing, blind according to each one’s circumstances.

    9. Pennyworth*

      This happened to a friend of mine, and like you she was late to receive steroids. She now has permanent hearing loss in one ear. I hope you have a better outcome.

      I recommend that anyone who has sudden hearing loss to take it very seriously and make every effort to get an emergency appointment so steroids can be prescribed in time to have a beneficial effect. This is one condition where waiting for a problem to fix itself is the wrong thing to do.

    10. tiddlywink*

      My anxiety shot up reading your first paragraph, so while I am very sorry for this issue affecting you (and I AM! I have a long history of vertigo, dizziness, eyes that won’t focus while it all happens, etc., so I Know, ugh.), I was Wildly thrilled to find that it wasn’t actually something with legs nesting deep in your ear.

      Each time my ears clog, my first worry is Always a spider or other creepy crawly. Ugh.

      I hope you get all the help with this that you need!

  2. Aphrodite*

    Let’s share tips on staying cool. Keeping your home cool. Keeping yourself cool. Keeping your pets cool. If you don’t have air conditioning or even if you do but don’t want to overuse it, you probably have tips, tricks and techniques. Let’s share them here!

    (1) Aluminum foil is one of my tips. The funny thing is I don’t think anyone I have share this with has ever used it—and I have no idea why because it works. I buy those 500-foot rolls of it so I have plenty. I either tape long pieces to the windows or the window frames (whichever is least likley to be harmed) using tape. Because the foil is so lightweight you need only a couple or a few pieces of tape to hold it in place. Be sure to place the dull side out for good neighborly relations. I do this in the bedroom usually June though October as I live in southern-central coastal California. It lowered the temperature by 10 degrees, maybe more. For other windows, I would get large pieces of cardboard (bed boxes are great) and cut them to fit in the windows, then tape the foil to those. You can then put them in and take them out of the windows. The idea is to keep the window’s heat from transfering into the rooms.

    (2) To cut down on ice cream intake I buy a quart of Greek yogurt and add a bag of frozen blueberries to it, perhaps with some blueberry juice and just enough sugar to make it slightly sweet.

    (3) I talked about this last year but I now have two bed fans that I use and love. They are unusual and can be found here (https://bedfans-usa.com/products/bfan-usa-plug?variant=8789202010156).

    (4) For the cats, I bought some cool tiling that they can lay on. I refrigerate them (using a towel to protect the refrigerator shelf from damage) and then lay them out during the day.

    1. Elizabeth T.*

      it works by keeping out the sunlight.
      Same way that an automobile dashboard sun screen works. (THOSE are amazing.)

        1. allathian*

          New business idea?

          We have triple glazing, with parisian blinds between the innermost sheets. It works quite well. We’re also in an area where air pollution isn’t normally an issue, so whenever the temperature outdoors drops below that indoors, we keep the windows open and use table fans to create a draft from the shadowy side to the sunny side of the house, if there’s not enough wind for it to happen automatically. Our windows have locks to keep them in the open position, and most of the airing windows also have a metal mesh to keep out insects. We don’t have a HVAC but we do have a portable AC unit in the kitchen/living room. Our bedrooms are in the basement that’s half underground because our house’s built on a slope. The bedrooms have windows of a normal size, but the basement is several degrees cooler in the summer than the rest of the house, so it makes sense to have the bedrooms there.

          1. allathian*

            Because my husband, son, and I are all morning people, in the summer when it’s hot during the day we like to get our exercise early in the morning. This week we’re having a heatwave so we’re going on bike rides as early as 6.30, when it’s still reasonably cool, around 22 C/72 F. Now that my hair’s long, letting it air dry in a ponytail or bun really helps with keeping my head cool. Especially with a bun, even if I’m doing video calls nobody can tell it’s damp.

            1. Jackalope*

              I normally sleep in Saturday mornings – it’s my day to catch up on whatever rest I missed the rest of the week. But this morning I got up at 6 and was out the door on my bike by 7:30 (had to take care of critters and things first). Just got back after a couples of hours out riding. It was nice but starting to get pretty warm by the time I got home so I’m glad I did that.

        2. Not So NewReader*

          I bought windows with a coating that works great. The coating keeps out the summer sun rays but allows the winter rays in. (Rays are at different angles.) Not an instant fix, but I really recommend this add-on to anyone buying windows. What a difference.

          1. allathian*

            Typically, our houses have long eaves that block out some of the sunlight in summer but let any winter sunlight in. I’m at 60 N so the sun’s never directly overhead.

        3. Seeking Second Childhood*

          They do — search on reflective inserts for Windows, and you will find a lot. More traditionally there are awnings, shutters including top-hinged ones, ‘sails’ to mount temporarily or permanently, and exterior roll up blinds.
          On the cheaper side use the Styrofoam sheets that ship with big-screen monitors & TVs. I got 2 of mine from someone at the town dump, who was just learning that it was not recyclable.
          Exterior curtains can work, but natural fiber will mildew, and plastic shower curtains will rip aside in a high wind. (I had to chase shreds of plastic across the back yard during a thunderstorm.)
          If you’re on the ground floor and have a pop-up tent, set it up to be shed for your window and wall. (Just watch out for rain building up on the roof of the tent.)

        4. TvH*

          Yes! I found some at the dollar store, and tried it… I found better luck with blackout curtains myself. Maybe because of the old double paned windows?

        5. Carok the happy elf*

          Big box home stores actually have something like this. It’s lightweight zigzag paper, with a peel and stick to hold it in the upper window frame.
          I first used it to make a fan-shaped window shade for a palladian (?) window, because bright sunlight gave me a migraine.
          Not expensive.

        6. Joan Rivers*

          I have Pottery Barn silk drapes but w/a heavy white cotton lining, and find that they help a lot when kept closed, even at a SW corner of the building that can get brutal. That + a fan.

          Fans vary, it’s good to experiment to see what works.

    2. Chalet All Day*

      Similar to your aluminium foil trick – we close the windows and blinds during the day to keep the coolness in and the heat out.

      I’ve been looking at bed fans and they are difficult and expensive to ship to this country :( but I can recommend Coolies!

      A cooly is the opposite of a hotty (hot water bottle). You can use freezer packs wrapped in a tea towel, but I sewed “wheat bags” (which are filled with grape seeds because that’s what the craft store informs me is The Done Thing in this part of the world. I think you could also use rice, but I would fret about mold).

      You keep them in the freezer then put them on your feet in bed. It cools you down enough to sleep and they feel great.

      Wheat bags/grape seed bags/coolies are incredibly simple to sew. There’s a ton of instructions online (for wheat bags at least!).

      1. Aphrodite*

        You just reminded me of this: Get the fattest cucumber you can find and slice it crosswise in about 1/4″-1/2″ widths. Put the slices on a baking sheet, preferably nonstick without allowing them to touch each other. Freeze overnight or until they are solid. Now you can put them in a freezer baggie or a jar and keep them in the freezer. They make the most incredible cooling and soothing eye patches. They also work wonderfully for headaches or general eye strain. (You could refrigerate them but freezing them makes the really cold and you can reuse them again and again.

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          Okay, now I’m thinking of the scene in Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day where she has her first spa appointment and eats the cucumber slices.

          1. Laurie Everitt*

            I LOVE this book! …And am embarrassed to admit that I don’t remember this bit, even though I reread it every year or two.

      2. Aphrodite*

        I keep mine closed all the time too but the foil adds additional protection from the heat.

    3. Like a Kid again*

      We live within walking distance of a school. Their sprinkler system comes on in the early evening. My husband and I have been known to run through the sprinklers once or twice!! Feels wonderful! We are almost dry by the time we walk home but it is so worth it. Record breaking heat this week – we will be going to school often!

    4. AcademiaNut*

      I used mylar emergency blankets as curtains in an old apartment (west facing balcony window on a high floor, no A/C). Pull them shut during the day, open up at night to get the breeze.

      Probably the biggest thing we do is wear as little clothing as possible, and make heavy use of fans. A sports top and short athletic shorts, if you need minimal modesty, or even a bathing suit. A fan pointed at you and a damp cloth draped over you can do wonders for cooling off. This is how I’m working these days, with a sports towel draped over my shoulders. Also lots of short cold showers during the day, after which I stand in front of a fan to cool off.

      Food wise – fruit popsicles. Puree mangos or peaches or berries, pour into popsicle molds, freeze. Use slow cooker/rice cooker/Instant Pot in a room you don’t spend time in (we use the laundry room) to cook meat or dried beans. Cook a chunk of meat, chilled it, and slice it – put it on a salad, or top with salsa/flavoured mayo/mustard/horseradish. Gazpacho. Japanese style cold noodles with wasabi soy dipping sauce. Korean soba noodles in icy beef broth (this is delicious!). Lots and lots of salads. Do hot cooking in the evening before going to bed, so the kitchen can cool down when you sleep.

    5. Dark Macadamia*

      I keep a couple of cooling towels in the car – the kind you soak and then shake/snap to activate. They helped a ton when I lived in the desert and it took awhile for the AC to get the car back to a reasonable temp when running errands.

    6. Lady Whistledown*

      For your pet – kiddie pool with some water and a bag of ice (refreshing for your toes too!).

      Absolutely second cold foods – crisp chilled salads with toppings galore straight from the fridge are perfect.

      This is more expensive but we needed it while living somewhere with dangerous water – a 5 gallon water cooler. Always dispensed the perfect temp of cold water.

      If you struggle to drink water, try flavoring with fruits (citrus), herbs (mint), veggies (cucumber) or tea (mmm jasmine green) and keeping it in a fun pitcher in the fridge.

      1. Lizzie*

        Sheets of bubble wrap (packing material) can be stuck to the window glass with just a spray of water, they still let the light in and they are excellent insulation.
        Over the past few years I have accumulated pet chiller pads that have a gel in them, which absorb heat when you put pressure on them. The cats love them, and you don’t have to do anything to the pads. When body heat warms them up eventually then the cats move off them for about twenty minutes and hassle me for another feed, and the mats regain their chilling ability in about twenty minutes. I have one big dog size one, which is nice hanging over the back of my chair. The cat size ones cost about $8 and the big dog size was $20 as I recall.

        1. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

          Thanks for the bubble wrap suggestion! My bedroom windows are now done-I was looking for something that would provide privacy without blocking the light, but privacy film is $$$. $10 has me set, and the insulation is a nice bonus.

      2. Girasol*

        Reminds me of how Mom kept cool in California back when air conditioners were something that only rich people had. She’d blow up our big inflatable wading pool, fill it with the hose, and toss in a few pool toys. Then while we kids were bouncing in and out of the water and shrieking, Mom in her swimsuit would recline on one side of the pool with her head on the inflated rim, and read a paperback novel.

    7. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Cook outside. Not just charcoal or propane grills– we bring our toaster oven outside, our small coffee maker, the kettle, whatever makes heat. City residents with a fire escape can do this too, although you’ll have to find a way to run the plug outside.
      Yes it’s extra work, because we learned you can’t leave the toaster oven outside or squirrels get into it. But it lets the house stay cooler.

    8. c-*

      If your floors are not wood or carpet, mopping the floor with just water will really cool down a room. Cotton and linen clothes, spraying water on yourself, blinds, and damp cloths in between window panes if you have double windows. Cold food, lots of beverages, short or pinned up hair.

    9. Dear liza dear liza*

      If it cools down at night, creating a cross breeze with box fans in the windows is very effective.

      For sleeping, wrapping an ice pack (or bag of frozen veggies you can sacrifice) in a towel and placing it on your core/stomach area can be very helpful.

    10. Not A Manager*

      If you’re hiking or walking in the heat, bring a bandana and a very lightweight cotton overshirt. Soak both in water as needed, lightly wring, and put them on wet. They’ll keep you cool basically until they dry out. I used to only do this when camping, but now I do it for walks in the city too.

    11. Green great dragon*

      I’ve got reflective blinds – windows, blinds and curtains shut during the day, windows open if it gets cool at night.

      Frozen fruit – melon works well.

      Cool bath before bed – I run a cold bath a few hours beforehand, and by bedtime it’s warmed up to be pleasantly cool rather than unpleasantly cold. I feel like having the cold water sitting there should take a bit of heat out the air too, but not sure whether it makes enough difference to matter.

      And if you’ve outside space – trees in pots next to the house can shade the walls in summer. And also provide figs.

    12. Dwight Schrute*

      I absolutely can’t sleep when it’s hot so in a pinch I have been known to sleep with ice packs and it works so well!

    13. Jackalope*

      I’m really worried about this heat wave for our cats. I’ve seen a few ideas for dogs, but does anyone have cat ideas? It’s complicated by the fact that we have two older cats (10 & 11), and just got two tiny kittens two weeks ago, so everyone is still uneasy around each other. One of our older cats has medium hair and I’m especially worried about her. I was thinking about locking us all in the basement but that’s kind of big cat territory (although little cats have started exploring it), so I’m nervous about it b

      1. Marion Ravenwood*

        When I had cats, I would put ice cubes in their water bowls during heatwaves to keep it cold, and also give them ice cubes to bat around the floor in order to cool their paws. They also liked to be stroked with a damp flannel and would then lick off the water, which I think helped to keep them hydrated.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          I used to do that for Pig (she was an outside cat). I usually gave her fresh water twice a day, so it was no biggie to pop in a few ice cubes. She also hung out in the culvert pipe under the neighbor’s driveway–it was very wide and she could go deep in where it was dark and cool and just sleep all day.

      2. Pennyworth*

        Freeze big plastic bottles of water and put them near where the cats like to hang out on hot days. They will sit close to them to keep cool.

    14. MissB*

      We installed central AC about 8 years ago, but it’ll struggle to keep up the next few days. The low this morning is about the same temperature that we set the AC at normally so I’m not bothering to open the windows at 5:30 am to cool things off.

      And this is the coolest of the next three mornings.

      My newer furnace comes with a fan always on option, so I keep that running with the AC. But if I didn’t have an AC, I would turn that fan off super quick because it’s purpose is to balance the temperature on all floors of the house. I have a partially below ground basement that would naturally stay cool at 55 degrees, but because I run the fan it keeps the temps down there the same as the first floor, which is a good 15 degrees warmer than it’s natural state.

      If you have a basement, it’s a good time to spend some quality time down there to organize and clean.

      Other than that, I tend to stay inside. The chickens get taken care of by 6 am, and I water the garden by 8. If I need to go to the store I do it early as well.

      Drink lots of water. Hydration is so important.

      I make sure the pets have fresh cold water a few times a day, including the outdoor ones. I hate wandering out in blast-furnace heat but the chickens deserve cool water in the afternoon too. Our dogs and cat usually hang out inside or on the covered porch. They always have access to inside. No car rides for them this week.

      Dinners tend to be small and cool. Mediterranean plates or salads with some fruit are good enough for lunch and dinner.

      1. the cat's ass*

        We get a few days like this every year too, and because the house is a bunch of redwood boxes flung up against a hill connected by stairs, we all head to the lowest level which is partially underground, including the cats, who usually sack out on the bathroom tile or in the sinks. We have fans and keep the windows closed and shades down, and eat cold noodles, salads, smoothies, or takeout.

    16. Stitching Away*

      I knew someone who used aluminum foil to trick their toddler, who would get up in the morning as soon as the sun came in through the window. She foiled the window in toddler’s bedroom and boom, no morning sun to cue toddler to come running. I thought it was brilliant.

    17. Stitching Away*

      Cooling towels! They are very inexpensive (I believe you can get 4 for $15ish) and are essentially magic. All you need is to wet them, wring them out, then snap them, and they’ll stay cool for a couple of hours. Repeat as desired. I’ll drape them on myself, and bonus, completely portable, so anytime I need to go outside in the heat, I have one on my neck, which saves my heat intolerant self.

    18. Girasol*

      When I was cross country biking I learned that if it was hot and I ran out of clean drinking water, the next best thing was to take whatever non-potable water I could get from a ditch or stream and soak my hair and shirt down with it. If you don’t need to sweat to shed heat, it slows the rate of dehydration way down. When the air conditioner broke in my top floor sunny side apartment, I dampened a shirt to sleep in and that helped a lot.

    19. Ranon*

      For folks in an area with a heat emergency, I’d add the following:

      – Extreme weather stresses all systems- do not assume local infrastructure will stay up. Be prepared.
      – If you don’t have AC, have an evacuation plan to get to a cooling site. Make sure your vehicle has fuel, if you don’t have a vehicle make sure you have loose light clothing, hats/ umbrellas, and lots of water so you can get to one on foot
      – Do not assume you will have an uninterrupted water supply. A boil water notice is inconvenient when it’s cold but horrific when it is hot. Have enough water stored for all occupants for several days, ideally 2x the baseline rec of 1 gallon per person per day
      – Know how to make an electrolyte solution or have electrolyte replacements available
      – Do not assume your power will stay on. A full freezer and fridge will stay cold longer- ideally a week ago you would have packed your freezer with containers full of water so it would be ice. Have a plan for what you’ll do when power goes down and how long you’ll wait to evacuate. Gas pumps also go down in power outages.
      – Have a means to prepare food that adds zero heat to your dwelling- cook outside or plan on all cold foods.
      – Know the signs of heat exhaustion and heat stroke. If you live by yourself, better to be over cautious than under cautious- get help right away if you think you need it
      – Drownings go way up in heat waves as everyone gets in the water. Know your swimming capabilities, avoid crowded areas with inexperienced swimmers, and be knowledgeable about hazards of natural bodies of water.

      Stay safe, y’all! Ready.gov has more guidance and tips as well.

    20. PT*

      The window AC I bought in 2007 to cool my apartment is still (knock on wood) plugging along nicely in my MIL’s house. It was $100 and it’s on it’s 15th summer so we’re at $6 and change per year. The cost of running one will vary based on what you pay for electricity, but it was never too bad, maybe $10 or $15 a month to cool a medium-sized bedroom for the hours I was home (it would of course cost more if you had to leave it on all day for pets, etc.)

      It is definitely worth it to buy an AC before you need it, even if you live somewhere where they’re only used intermittently.

      1. Liz*

        I have two thru the wall units that came with my apartment. Even when I was working in the office, I’d leave them on, but turn them WAY down when I was out. this way, it still kept things on the cooler side, but not beastly hot so when I got home, I could then turn them up and it would cool down quickly.

        Also, use the cycle feature; so it cycles on and off, depending on the temperatures. vs. leaving it running constantly.

        And now that i’m working from home, I keep the one in my bedroom higher becuase the air kind of blows out the door, and onto me in the dining room. Plus, the one in my LR is working but not fully; it won’t go down to the lowest temp, nor does teh cycle feature work, so i’m constantly turning it on and off, but while I work, I don’t need it on.

    21. MEH Squared*

      In addition to AC, I have a personal fan blowing high on me pretty much 24/7. Tons of cold drinks (mostly variants on bubbly water), ice packs, and as little clothing as possible when it’s feasible.

      My cat likes to sit in front of the vents to feel the cool air and he’s been spending more time in the basement where it’s nice and cool.

      I also have a weighted cooling blanket that keeps my body temperature down. I discovered that this actually existed on this website and it’s really made sleeping better. The blanket doesn’t cool me down, per so, but it keeps me from getting hotter–which I consider a win.

      Oh! Also, fruit popsicles for a quick cooldown.

    22. Amtelope*

      If you have one window AC unit, use it to keep a bedroom cool (move mattresses from other bedrooms if you need to so that everyone can camp out in the air conditioned room.) Keep the door to that room closed unless you need to go in and out. Don’t try to air condition an entire multi-room apartment or house with a single window AC unit during a heat wave.

    23. Ant*

      For keeping yourself cool, I recommend putting water on your pulse points (backs of ears, neck, wrists, elbows, behind knees, etc) – even if you can’t have a fan/AC, walking around like that can help reduce your body temperature. Also for sleeping, have either an ice pack or a water bottle you’ve kept in the fridge all day (frozen works better but don’t forget a towel around it!) to curl around while you sleep.

    24. Vesuvius*

      Hi,

      I live in CA, in an area that’s experiencing immense heat waves. My partner grew up near Sacramento, and still has friends (who I am happy to say I am also now friends with, due to pandemic, and other *waves hands* bs to do with work, which I can get into later. Suffice it to say, I would not have been surprised if one of my managers came from a Hellmouth of her own).

      (1) One of our friends recommended Reflectix — it’s reflective insulation you can use to cover your sun-facing windows. We have skylights and were dying for something cooler last summer starting in about June, but had no AC. You do have to tape it with AC unit tape, but it’s available in various sizes from Home Depot and Ace Hardware, and so far as I know, works fairly well. We have four skylights total so we bake in our current place without it. Side note: Duct tape can and will melt, and will damage your furniture. AC unit tape can be purchased at up to like 250F tolerance and will not melt! I saw earlier that Aphrodite recommended aluminum foil, but this stuff is designed to reflect heat — the foil might get really hot on you, but I can confirm this doesn’t do that. And, bonus, it’s usually fairly cheap if you don’t have blinds or if you’re stuck with skylights, and if your windows regularly get too hot the tape doesn’t melt nearly as quickly. (Source: Normal tape absolutely melts. I have melted duct tape in this apartment.)

      (2) Lights off. Darker rooms, believe it or not, cool off a little faster. If you have light sensitivity problems, or a housemate does, they will also appreciate this. It also makes it easier to nap away the hottest parts of the day if you are a fan of getting up when it’s still pleasant, and doing work around then. If you can’t do this, which I 100% understand, but it does help.

      (3) A small bucket of cold water you fill and use on your feet in the bathroom (to prevent warping/damage to flooring) is wonderful and amazing. I used to go take cold feet showers last summer and will likely be doing the same this summer. My partner thought I was nuts (his feet get cold very easily) until I convinced him to try it.

      (4) A big box fan with a filter on it. (If you live in an area that suffers from wildfire smoke, get a 1 inch filter. I am unfortunately sensitive to smoke & bad air quality, and last year we had a few days so dark they were like dawn didn’t happen. This was a real lifesaver. Even if you aren’t normally sensitive to smoke, this makes the air in your house/room it’s in taste better, and is better for your cats/dogs/inside pets. I know someone whose cats got very sick off wildfire smoke (someone who lived in this neighborhood previously), so I wanted to be extra careful.)

      (5) There are ice gel packs that you can either microwave or refrigerate, if you can’t freeze cucumbers for some reason. They’re like 20 bucks and sold at Walgreens. Don’t get the buckwheat ones, they stink to high heaven if you over-microwave them and will never Stop stinking. I have a flexible one I got for migraines but it doubles as a “It is too hot in here give me the ice pack” thing. Bonus: They are very easy to clean and my cats are not invested in chewing on them. (My cats chew on EVERYTHING. There is a reason I have digital art supplies instead of paint.)

      (6) There are low-wattage AC units for small rooms out there. I know this because my partner and I invested in one last year and it has been a lifesaver for us and for the cats. Although our cats are assholes who keep turning it off, even having it there has kept us from going insane in the heat. It will not work for a whole apartment, but if you are concerned about low-wattage AC units (as we were, since our apartment has old wiring and fuses — we got one that runs on less wattage than either of our computers), it will help keep, say, a bedroom cool. The fewer windows facing east/west the better. I recommended the model to a friend, who lives in Sacramento, and it helped her keep one room of her house livable (the bedroom, also where her art stuff lived and where her 3 cats liked to hang out). Our cats are fans of it, although they were Very Confused by us setting it up at first. Although one of them likes to sit on it because it makes beeping noises and gets her IMMEDIATE attention from the humans in the house. *rolls eyes* Cats. What can you do? I’ve had to crowd my kitchen counter and stovetop to prevent inquisitive kitties from climbing all over it and possibly turning on the gas (thankfully, the dials are not interesting). (They have various nicknames but online I usually refer to them as Mischief and Mayhem. 3 guesses which one routinely breaks into the kibble bin for food and likes to steal my D&D dice, and which one routinely tears up everything paper-adjacent when she isn’t given affection.)

      1. Jackalope*

        We got some reflective insulation and put it up over the windows on the side of the house that gets the most sun. Just taped it there for the moment and will prob take it down once this heat wave is done but it has helped.

    25. Aealias*

      I fill the bathtub with cold water, to be a heat sink all day. Sometimes I sit in it with all my clothes on, and wander around in wet clothes until they dry and I repeat the whole process.
      I put summer pyjamas in the freezer in the morning, along with a top sheet. Take them both out and have frozen bedclothes at bedtime. If you fall asleep fast, it’s actually comfy.
      Blinds and windows closed right all day, opened wide as soon as outside is cooler than in. And run the furnace fan all day, even though the furnace is off, to blow cool basement air through the house.

    26. Pennyworth*

      Home made evaporative cooling! At a personal level, I spray myself with a mist of water or drape myself in damp cotton and turn on a fan (works at night too). If you have hot windows (especially sash windows), go outside and hang wet bath towels over them (I jam the top of the towel in the window). The evaporation will make the glass cold to the touch inside and cool the room. When the towels dry, hose them wet again.

    27. Nursey*

      Where I live, we encounter 100F+++ days regularly. I don’t have air con (expensive) and I stay cool by:
      Thermal backed curtains closed
      Windows closed
      Doors open (allow for airflow internally)
      Light coloured clothing
      Tepid showers
      2 x strategically placed fans in the through lounge/diner
      Slow cooking food
      Drink tea or coffee to help regulate internal temperature
      Did you know? That stuff you have put on your car windows to darken them can also be used on your house windows!
      To stop sweat forming all over I have a roll on antiperspirant that I use for under my breasts and in my groin (for anyone who has an overhanging apron, use it under there too). This is because sweat build up in those areas can start to cause fungal infections. Also a little dab on the insides of elbows works wonders. Make sure to apply the night before as it takes a few hours for antiperspirant to properly “set” and no, it doesn’t wash off with just water so you can shower in the morning as well.

      1. allathian*

        If it’s so hot that I sweat just sitting down and especially if I have to go somewhere, I’ll probably use baby talcum powder, even if that means more laundry. My family has a history of breast cancer, so while I do use antiperspirant that contains aluminum in my pits, because I’ve found that nothing else works for me, I’m not willing to put that under my breasts…

    28. Anonymous Today*

      I’m in SoCal and while it’s supposed to get up into the 90’s later today (Sunday), right now it’s only 67. I open most of my windows and the sliding door to the exterior as soon as it is cooler outside than inside.

      This usually works until we get the really hot weather where it’s 100 or so for long enough that it doesn’t cool down totally at night.

    29. tiddlywink*

      Thank you for sharing all these ideas! I never heard the aluminum foil one before, but it sounds easy and cheap.
      Win-win! Cheers!

    31. FD*

      Our apartment is in a four-plex that was built with two apartments on the main level, accross the hall from each other divided by a common hallway (with two more upstairs built the same way). This means we have windows in the front and back of our apartment. To take advantage of that, if it’s going to be tolerable overnight, we run intake and exhaust fans to pull air through the apartment at night and then shut everything up when the sun starts to come up. Blackout curtains over closed vinyl blinds are especially good for keeping out the heat of the sun!

      We still run our AC on occasion, but with those tricks, we can generally keep it to just running it overnight if it’s going to be 94+ and humid.

  3. Fran*

    Little joys thread:
    I finally got my first jab.
    We moved little one to their own room and they took it well. Everyone is sleeping better.

    1. Llama face!*

      I ate the first produce, aside from herbs, from my garden tonight (baby carrots) and it was wonderful.

      1. allathian*

        Oh, yum! One of these days we’ll be able to pick the first wild strawberries from our garden. We didn’t plant them, they just appeared on the edge between our lawn and the gravel that’s there to ensure that nothing grows closer to the house than about a foot. I suspect a bird spread the first seed, and then it’s just continued to spread through the roots.

      2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        fresh raspberries, straight from the raspberry bush into my face, om nom nom!

    2. StellaBella*

      I got my car back from the garage! Lots of work needed but it is in perfect shape now.

    3. allathian*

      Congrats on your first jab!

      Summer’s been great so far, we had a few days where it was a bit too hot for my liking, but summer’s my favorite season. The birch pollen season finally ended here a few weeks ago, and now I love being outdoors again without being troubled by allergies.

    4. Might Be Spam*

      I fixed my oven by myself. It heated very unevenly and was hard to use. The bottom heating element looked like it was installed a bit slanted so I unscrewed the metal plate and straightened it. Then it was obvious that the element itself was bent up in one corner and down on two others. So I figured WTH, and with some pushing and pulling I got it flat. Then I used sandpaper to get the baked-on crud off of the exposed temperature sensor.
      The oven works great now. I replaced the burnt out light bulb and now I can watch my pizza as it bakes perfectly.

      3. allathian*

        Cool! I really admire people who can fix things with their hands, because I’m all thumbs.

    5. Hotdog not dog*

      Today I am thrilled to be hauling the luggage out of the attic and doing several loads of laundry. We’re leaving tomorrow to visit family we haven’t seen since pre-pandemic. Even the packing and preparation is fun, since it’s one step closer!

    6. 653-CXK*

      I spent another full Friday in the office, cleaning up my 2020 files and getting them neatened up. I’m now caught up on everything, and I’m on vacation through the 4th and 5th.

    7. Lady Whistledown*

      Visiting with family on a road trip to our new home in a different state. We opened “the good wine” and stayed up late catching up and reminiscing on happy memories. Totally lifted my spirit and filled my (emotional and physical) cups!

    8. The Other Dawn*

      Headed back to the office hybrid next week and realized absolutely none of my work pants fit. (Not really surprising…) I ordered three pair of pants online (Old Navy) and they ALL fit! That never happens. Of course, the other ones I want are out of stock now. That seems to happen frequently with Old Navy.

      Side rant: It’s super frustrating that literally every store I used to shop at in-person has closed all locations and either gone out of business or gone online-only.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Oh, and a bigger joy: I booked my anniversary trip to Vegas for next year! It will be our 26th, but we’re considering it the big celebration for our 25th we didn’t get this year due to the pandemic. We’re going all-out and splurging everywhere we can.

    9. GoryDetails*

      Not-so-little joys – my first in-person visit with family since COVID! Just an overnight stay (it’s NH to NY, roughly a 4-hour drive), but much anticipated!

    10. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Our raspberries are starting to come in, and I had a handful for breakfast while watching tiny birds in my flowering cherry tree. Apparently its ‘decorative” inedible cherries are great for birds. Titmice, robins, even a native sparrow.
      My smoke bush has been gloriously red this year. I guess the weather is perfect for it, because other years it has been washed out brown.
      I told stories on a video chat that made people laugh.

    11. Professional Merchandiser*

      Retiring this week. Last work day is Wednesday.
      This will be my third attempt at retirement. Maybe this time it will stick.

    12. Laura H.*

      One of my joys is that this thread is enjoyed enough that if I don’t post one, somebody else will. Thanks Fran! (And woohoo on the jab!)

      My second one is two bite brownies are yummy.

    13. Working Hypothesis*

      We went out today to see In the Heights — our first movie in the theaters since the start of the pandemic, now that the entire family has been vaccinated and is past our two-weeks-after-second-shot waiting period. It felt amazing to be able to do that, even though I stayed masked throughout anyway out of extra caution, but I’m used to masking and it barely felt weird (after I settled into the air conditioning and my glasses stopped fogging up at least).

      And the movie is *incredible*.

      1. Joan Rivers*

        I left a message two years ago for a friend I had worked with decades ago, who was always funny and interesting. Two years later he emailed me back; glad the website he was writing at bothered to pass on the message.
        And we went out to hear live music recently, just when I was fully vaccinated, and have been corresponding since. It was great, we’re having lunch soon. For an introvert like me it’s so nice to know someone who’s a music critic and knows a ton of people. I don’t need much but even I can appreciate some company.

    14. WoodswomanWrites*

      Yesterday I joined my mom in her 90s to celebrate her half-birthday. This tradition goes back decades when she mentioned that having a birthday the day after Christmas when she was younger had been annoying. I brought her Chinese takeout and we had a great visit. My siblings still fuss over her on her actual birthday, so it’s fun to give her two celebrations.

    15. voluptuousfire*

      Reorganizing my bathroom storage space. My dad had bought a bathroom shelving system a few years ago for our bathroom and for some reason decided to cover the shelves (the shelves are made out of 3 long pieces of metal tubing, not a solid, flat surface) with a mesh window screening which was held down with duct tape and craft wire. It was an eyesore and there was still a ton of general junk there. I got rid of the screening, tape, and junk and cleaned it, and brought out the plastic decorative storage boxes I bought in Target a few months ago. They ended up being perfect for this project. I have everything set up and even rolled up my collection of washcloths to fit in one of the boxes, so it looks like a spa. :)

      It’s so nice to go into the bathroom and see everything lined up and nice and organized. It’s been a bit of a tough week or so with some things, so it feels really great to have one thing accomplished.

      1. Liz*

        I love when I do that. I spent a few hours on Saturday cleaning out and orgnaizing my linen closet, under my bathroom sink, medicine cabinet and etagere. Holy crap did I have a lot of “stuff” I still do, mainly bath and beauty, but I also kind of panic bought stuff during the throes of the pandemic. Rubbing alcohol, peroxide, cleaning stuff, etc. Going to give away a lot of the extras, as well as made an inventory of what I’m keeping so there is NO question that I need this or that. I used to buy many multiples, due to FOMO, as well as buy stuff, not realizing I already had enough of it.

        so now, i’ve gotten to the point where if I see something I like or want to try, I’ll buy one or two, not six.

    16. Potatoes gonna potate*

      My little one had her first playdate, at 11 1/2 months old. Granted it was us eating lunch at a restaurant then wandering the mall but there was baby interaction.

      Also I met with a friend after almost a year and a half of not seeing each other or talking much. it felt like nothing had changed.
      (so maybe it was more of a mama playdate than for baby)

  4. Monica*

    I run a web site that has grown a lot in the last year and now has an active commenting community, usually around 50 comments a day but sometimes up to 100. This is a change from a year ago and I am realizing I should take a more active role in moderating it than I have in the past. People are usually polite but not always and sometimes some sparring breaks out or someone becomes too argumentative or kind of a jerk.

    I don’t want to be so hands off that good contributors leave but I don’t want to approve every comment before it publishes either. And sometimes something has been brewing for hours before I see it. I am new to doing this and don’t know how to strike the right balance. I do have a code of conduct I ask people to follow but I wonder if others with experience moderating online communities have any advice about how to moderate well or resources to suggest. Or even if you haven’t done it yourself, what you would recommend if you have seen it done well.

    1. DistantAudacity*

      Haven’t done this, but John Scalzi’s Whatever blog is well moderated for comments. Check out his approach! He has his rules posted, and uses his Mallet to keep things civil.

    2. allathian*

      This blog is one of the best moderated ones I’ve seen.

      Most blog and forum software has a feature that allows users to report posts to the moderator, that might help.

      It’s been years since I was an active moderator, but I started on a few fan sites in the mid-1990s. I’m still technically a mod on a couple sites, but they don’t get much traffic so I don’t do anything for them now.

    3. Lady Whistledown*

      I’ve had a couple comments removed here in the past (one wrong thread and, I confess, one time arguing with someone who was coming across harshly while I was sensitive). Though it takes far more effort, I appreciate that Alison generally leaves a little note explaining her reasoning for removing comments or entire threads. It still stings a little bit, mostly as a result of embarrassment and even shame (thanks jerk brain!) but seeing others get moderated too helps me remember that moderation ensures that this comment section remains a safe and enriching place for everyone to come visit.

    4. L. Ron Jeremy*

      What’s the name of your website? I love to read comments and comment myself.

      1. pancakes*

        I can’t speak for Monica, of course, but I would be very cautious about extending an invitation to anyone with a user name like this, considering Ron Jeremy has been charged with sexual assault and worse numerous times.

        1. Atheist Nun*

          Not to mention how problematic Scientology is…

          That being said, I love the concept of portmanteau names like L. Ron Jeremy or Brian Jonestown Massacre, probably because I like puns so much.

          1. pancakes*

            I don’t think that’s comparable. Poking fun at Scientology probably isn’t going to bother anyone besides Scientologists. Trying to make a joke by referring to a guy with numerous sexual assault and r*pe charges, on the other hand, seems pretty gross.

              1. pancakes*

                I can’t make out what you’re trying to say or what sort of response you’re looking for.

                2. RagingADHD*

                  I’m saying that turning evildoers into a joke and mocking them or their names is a time-honored tradition for disempowering them.

    5. The Prettiest Curse*

      I’d recommend getting a backup moderator if you can. Maybe someone in a different timezone to you so that they can deal with situations that arise when you are offline. Though make sure it’s someone you really trust – I’ve heard lots of horror stories in the past about new moderators who get drunk with power and end up doing all kinds of bizarre things.

      1. Sandi*

        This, this, this. Your problem doesn’t seem to be with the rules, it is about response time. So find someone to help you, preferably in another timezone.

    6. OtterB*

      Patrick and Teresa Nielsen Hayden’s bog Making Light is much less active than it used to be, but the conversations there were great because they were well moderated. Here’s an old but still applicable post from Teresa on her philosophy of moderation: http://nielsenhayden.com/makinglight/archives/006036.html

      I agree with someone else’s comment that having an assistant moderator, especially one in another time zone, can be helpful.

    7. Kiwiapple*

      Please make it clear how to flag problematic comments – this is one area where AAM is not clear and many people do not realise you need to flag it via a link in a comment….
      Also upvotes!

      1. pancakes*

        That isn’t how problematic comments are meant to be flagged here. Email Alison instead.

        1. Kiwiapple*

          @pancakes –
          Um, this is from the rules of AAM which AAM link to herself below another post (by Quill). But you are proving my point to this OP, please have easy moderation flagging for your users!

          “Know that I do not read and approve every single comment. The volume is far too high. So if you see a comment that seems problematic, please don’t do this: “I can’t believe this comment is allowed! Why has Alison approved this?!” Instead, assume I haven’t seen it and feel free to flag it and I’ll take a look (to do that, just include a link in your comment and it’ll go to moderation so I’ll see it)”

          1. Ask a Manager* Post author

            Yes! That’s the fastest/best way to flag something for me. (There are flagging plugins but they all just automatically remove the flagged comment after X number of flags, which is not what I want since that seems ripe for abuse, as well as confusion from people wondering where their comment went. I haven’t been able to find one that would simply notify me of the flag and which will play nicely with the technical set-up here.)

          2. pancakes*

            Sorry, I could’ve sworn that someone did this recently and Alison said to email her instead.

            1. Ask a Manager* Post author

              I bet you’re thinking of the situation this week where someone used a link just to get my attention to something they thought was a good point in the discussion and they just wanted me to read it (not to flag something problematic for moderator attention) and I asked them not to do that. (That commenter has done that a bunch and it’s not what the moderation queue is for.)

  6. Chalet All Day*

    I hope this doesn’t count as The Place We Don’t Talk About!

    My husband and I are close to buying a condo in a ski resort in Europe (about an hour from our home, we’re here as expats). We plan to rent it out part of the time on Airbnb. We’ve Airbnb’d a spare room before so know how much woooork this can be and are confident we can handle it. I’m delighted to have the chance to break out my power tools – the place needs a little work, and neither of us have owned property before so this is very exciting rather than daunting.

    I’d love to hear from the commentators about what’s the best airbnb experience you’ve had? Little touches that improve a place? Personally, I am delighted when the host leaves us a bar of chocolate, but I’m basic like that. I’d love to hear your best experiences!

    1. StellaBella*

      Check with the town if it is legal. In many parts of Switzerland AirBnB is banned. Also check what kind of work you can do yourselves there may be limits. And check annual fees, insurance needs, and HOA regulationsbif part of a building is owned. Good luck!

      1. Chalet All Day*

        Yes we checked about airbnb first thing! It’s all good, we can rent it 11 months of the year – and we do plan to use it ourselves :D

    2. Kiwiapple*

      Clear instructions on access/lock
      Clear pictures of the place
      Iron/Ironing board/hoover, basic amenities etc

      1. Chalet All Day*

        That’s so interesting – I never would have thought of an iron/ironing board as essential! (I am anti-ironing in my everyday life.) But they’re on the list now – thank you.

        1. Kiwiapple*

          Where we stayed was a city apt and my partner requires an ironed uniform so it was super handy for us! (We used air BnB before managing to find our own apartment)

        2. The Other Dawn*

          I’m anti-ironing in my everyday life, too, but when I travel it’s great the have an iron and ironing board in the hotel room. My clothes are always wrinkled when I unpack and there’s really no way to unwrinkle them enough to not look like I just rolled out of bed.

        3. Epsilon Delta*

          I never iron either, but I so appreciated the iron in the hotel room when I was traveling on business and my slacks and fancy shirts had been scrunched up in my duffel bag!

          Also, my MIL irons everything. Even tshirts. It is mind boggling to me but makes her feel better!

        4. Sleepless*

          If you don’t include an ironing board, whether in an AirBNB or a long term rental, sooner or later somebody is going to iron something on the furniture, and excitement will ensue. Do yourself a favor and just put one in there.

      2. DistantAudacity*

        Yes – very good and clear information about the rental, including all amenities that are there. Since you are renting out the entire place it would be good to understand the kitchen amenities (baking tin? Whisk?).

        Clear description of room sizes, ease of access (or impediments if there are any!).

        1. Dark Macadamia*

          Yep! I just stayed at an Airbnb that listed “kitchen essentials” including cooking oil – there wasn’t any, nor was there a can opener (which I use maybe once a month at home but of course one of the meals I planned for the trip required one). Think about the kind of items most people have on hand even if they’re not used often, and if there’s a consumable product you intend to provide make sure you’re checking regularly to replace it.

          1. Chalet All Day*

            Yes to can and bottle openers! Once we stayed in an Airbnb without a bottle opener and it was tragic.

            1. Seeking Second Childhood*

              Friends in hospitality say items like this get snitched fairly frequently. They suggest wall mounted versions!

          2. Tabby Baltimore*

            Okay, then a wall-mounted electric can opener (if there is such a thing). Some of us just don’t have the hand strength anymore for a manual one.

    3. DistantAudacity*

      I’ve always found having a good communication experience to be helpful (in advance, I mean). I sort of equate communicating well/timely manner = more likely to be a good experience/properly cared for rental.

      Information about local transportation options, including distances etc. to ski slopes, other attractions.

      Distance/transportation options to grocery store, other daily necessities (walk, public transportation, car?)

      1. MinotJ*

        Yes! Maybe I’m just expecting emails at a different time than the host would be sending them, but I often get panicked a few weeks before a vacation because I haven’t heard from the host since I booked the place many months ago. So I email the host, expecting to hear that they have no record of my stay, and almost immediately get a response with all the details that I need.

        For me, I think the original email would say something to the effect of “Thanks for booking our place. Well send you further details two weeks (or whenever) before your stay begins.”

    4. DistantAudacity*

      Having sufficient cleaning supplies and tools!

      Even if you use a cleaning service for between each stay, it is so helpful to have that properly available during the stay for the basic everyday of wiping down counters and doing the dishes (and very annoying if there’s not).

    5. AcademiaNut*

      Sleep in all the rooms as a test. I stayed in one place that was nice, but had an uncovered skylight that woke me up very early in the morning. Some extra blankets and pillows are nice – I like lots of pillows, and my husband sleeps cold – and an alarm clock can be helpful. Somewhere secure to put valuables (passport, laptop, etc) is always a nice feature.

      Method of coffee production. I stayed in one place that had a Keurig and provided pods, another with a drip coffee maker and provided filters, both were great. Also make sure there’s a good corkscrew and a bottle opener. I appreciate it when there are some kitchen basics – things that are cheap and simple, but a pain to buy on a short trip – salt and pepper, tin foil, some cooking oil, a bit of sugar, even things like salad dressing, vinegar and ketchup left over from previous renters. I usually stay in Airbnb’s on extended work trips, so I’m using the kitchen to cook myself a healthy dinner. For a ski place, something like a few packets of gourmet hot chocolate mix, or some good tea, would be a nice touch.

      I also appreciate it when they let me know what they provide in the way of toiletries, so I know what I have to bring, instead of showing up and finding that they’ve got shampoo but no hand soap. So if you provide shampoo/conditioner/soap/laundry detergent, mention it, or say that toiletries are not provided.

      Clear instructions on how to operate stuff, and how to get into the place are always good, and a contact number. If you’re renting to international visitors, a text messaging contact is useful, for if you have phone data but not a phone number.

      The best place I stayed in has self serve tropical fruit trees, but that’s asking a bit much. :-)

      1. My Brain Is Exploding*

        Nix on the fridge stuff for me, that kind of squicks me out… Don’t know how old it is, etc. Some oil, sugar, salt, pepper, coffee, tea bags…all good.

      2. triceratops*

        yes to all of this, and test the shower as well! I stayed in an airbnb once where the shower never got hot and it was miserable after a long day’s worth of travel when I desperately wanted to take a hot shower after getting in…

    6. Virginia Plain*

      I’ve never Airbnb-ed but I have stayed in self catering accom on European ski resorts. So I would say make sure there is a drying rack or similar for wet things – even good skiers occasionally wipe out.
      In the kitchen, if you can manage it, U.K. guests will love you forever if you can arrange for a pint of fresh milk to be in the fridge on arrival. UHT will do in a pinch but it makes the tea taste like camping tea…
      I echo the idea of having salt, pepper, and cooking oil available. A pain to take with you and buying in the shop leaves you with too much for a week.
      I recently found out (sorry if this is wrong) that Americans don’t normally go in for boiled eggs (hot, not completely hard boiled) for breakfast. The british and other Europeans do like them (always a part of breakfast buffets in ski hotels ime) so if you can provide egg cups that will likely be welcome. Similarly, a pop-up toaster. For toast generally but importantly for roast soldiers with your boiled egg!

      2. Meh*

        Yeah, soft boiled eggs are not really a thing in the US. I will occasionally see egg cups for sale (usually around Easter) but they seem more of the decorative variety than functional. We do eat them soft outside of the shell though (poached, fried over easy)

      3. A Cat named Brian*

        I inherited 4 egg cups from my great aunt. I tried to get my kids to eat soft boiled eggs. No go. So they are beautiful decorations at Easter.

    7. Bobina*

      Lots of good comments already about basic toiletries and kitchen essentials.

      What I really like is if the host leaves something like a notebook or info bit about the local area. Nice shops, tourist attractions etc.

      Ooh also, cables and extension cords for charging things. Have definitely had a few times where there was only one outlet on the other side of the room which was a pain.

      1. Kiwiapple*

        Tbh I would not expect a host to provide this (cables etc) The traveller should. Hosts cannot and should not be expected to cover every scenario for every traveller – it would cost a fortune.

        Also, please check your local covid rules i.e proving local information can be done online or as a message through air BnB itself rather than something physical. If physical item, laminate it so it is wipeable.

      2. RussianInTexas*

        I think an extension cord, or a power strip are a good idea, but providing the actual charging cables is unnecessary. Plus people will take them all the time, thinking it’s theirs.

        1. jj*

          They sell pretty cheap ones where 5 or 6 attachment heads are connected to one cord. Something like that is distinctive enough to be clear to someone it’s not theirs. They don’t need to provide it of course, but I agree it’s a nice touch if possible.

    8. There’s probably a cat meme to describe it*

      One of those number-combination locks to get the key is great. I hate the stress of having to be somewhere at a certain time to meet the host to get a key when I’m travelling and can’t always control my arrival time or communicate delays.

      This is also personal preference, but I much prefer staying in spaces that have been somewhat depersonalised. Not as in hotel-style sterile and bland, just not with family pics and stuff out everywhere and obviously personal toiletries that you’re “welcome to use”. That just always weirds me out a bit.

    9. Lady Whistledown*

      Seconding (thirding?) the recommendation to have a binder or notebook with local tips. Best restaurants, nearby attractions. Anything with a description from a real live human being is charming. Especially when you have certain restaurants that may be ok overall but have that ONE amazing dish that is worth crossing oceans for. Bonus points if you have the binder translated into a few different languages for your guests.

      My favorite AirBnB special touch was the host in Portugal who stocked four (4) bottles of Portuguese wine in the fridge. Almost every review on AirBnB mentioned it (because it’s awesome!). Granted he lived 4 floors down so it was much easier to monitor.

      Main other thing I can think of is hiring an excellent cleaner, especially one willing to clean the fridge between visits. A spotless fridge just sings extra level of clean to me. Good luck!

    10. Meh*

      My parents leave a bottle of wine and a box of chocolate for their week long guests.

      Labeling wall switches is great (especially if you have a lot of, we have 6 in a row and I’ve never remembered which is the fan/hall light/ overhead light etc) or labeling if a switch powers a wall plug.

      I had a host leave a variety of plant milks in the fridge (the carton kind that is shelf stable) and an assortment of cereals. That was nice for our first morning.

      1. Tabby Baltimore*

        I cannot upvote this enough. “Clear directions” for garbage pick up means, to me, the following: where the garbage bags are in the home, how the garbage should be tied up and where it should be left sitting for pickup, the days of the week/times of pickup(s) for garbage or recycling, what garbage the sanitation truck will actually take, what recycling it will take, and a map and written directions to the recycling center if the canton doesn’t do curbside recycling.

        Also, please be sure to stay on top of any administrative issues related to garbage pickup: I lived in Germany in the mid-90s, and learned only after several hair-pulling-out frustrating months that my landlords never told me upfront that I needed to pay a garbage tax to get a sticker that had to go on our cans to show we were “legal.”

    12. misspiggy*

      The main thing I’d add is to leave details or menus of a couple of food delivery places you know are good and who know how to get to the condo. Lifesaving when you’ve arrived after a long journey and you can’t face going out to eat.

      Also a hairdryer is a nice touch. Plus if you have soft furnishings like cushions, rugs, quilts etc, go over them with an upholstery cleaner regularly so they look as fresh as possible.

    13. RussianInTexas*

      Hair dryer, more than one is possible, if there is more than one full bathroom.
      I am currently in a beach rental, and I did not bring my hair dryer, thought nah, my hair will air dry, it’s fine (what I do at home). But then I had to go to a restaurant for dinner, with wet hair.
      Basic cleaning supplies. Extra blankets and pillows.

    14. RussianInTexas*

      If the place will be driven to, vs getting to using public transportation, especially if you expect the people to bring their own car, let the description know what the parking situation looks like.

    15. Jay*

      I would love it if hosts put the type of coffeemaker in the listing. We drink only decaf and we have a Keurig at home. I’d be happy to bring some of our pods and I can also buy ground coffee if I know it’s a drip coffeemaker. And yes, make sure there’s a good supply of coffee filters!

      Second the comments about basic kitchen equipment including a bottle opener and corkscrew.

      Please do not use scented anything – air fresheners, detergent, fabric softeners, candles. Please. My husband has a lot of allergies and can’t tolerate scents. We only stay at places that don’t allow pets to avoid cat hair, and if we have room in the car we often bring our own sheets just in case the supplied linens have been washed in something scented. You’ll keep the place clean. It will smell fine without any artificial assistance. Also some non-feather pillows available would be terrific (he’s allergic to that, too). I love all-cotton sheets with a high thread count – they feel so luxurious.

      I love a place that has comfy spots to sit – we stayed in one place that only had one chair, so if we wanted to sit and read, one of us had to sit in bed. And a soft cozy throw would be a lovely touch especially in cold weather.

    16. ThatGirl*

      I stayed in a beach house airbnb last weekend, and the one thing I wished for was clear operating instructions for the AC unit, it was one of those ductless electric ones. It worked great once we figured it out, but it took us awhile and I had to google it.

      Otherwise -clear instructions on where extra towels/linens are, what to do with everything when you’re leaving, little useful extras. And definitely tips on where tp go locally.

    17. Alex*

      Extra blankets! I run cold and am always appreciative of places where there are extras, especially if the bed doens’t have a very heavy comforter or blanket.

    18. ten four*

      I love treats too! A li’l basket of chocolate and weird/interesting chips feels really luxurious and festive.
      Having the right amount of provided consumables is important to me. I stayed at an Airbnb once and there were 10 coffee pods for a 7 day stay, exactly 7 dishwasher tabs, and they were down to like, 5 trash bags. I don’t want to have to ration coffee, soap, or trash take outs! I’m sure quantities are actually a little tricky to manage, but I’d err on the side of generosity and just increase the rates to cover it.

    19. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Think of things that your neighbors want your visitors to do or not do, to preserve your neighborhood relationships! Provide clear instructions about local parking procedures especially if there is a lot with reserved parking. Let your tenants know local quiet times. If there is a common facility at the condo complex, what are the rules and preferences about use. I’m thinking of the condo I rented where the community room could be reserved for parties, and if it was reserved, you needed to be invited by the host.

    20. Ali G*

      A plunger! We were just in an Air BnB last week and we needed one (too much TP) and it didn’t have one. Luckily the host was onsite and was able to drop one by while we were out.

      1. mcl*

        Ooh. I just had an unpleasant flashback to when then-boyfriend (now spouse) and I had a romantic getaway at a hotel in a vacation area and the toilet plugged up early in the evening, not exactly romantic. The front desk staff person “didn’t have the keys to the janitor’s closet” and thus was unable to help unplug it (what would they have done had it been a flood??). We were in a fairly remote location but actually considered driving to the nearest town to buy one.
        But yeah. Plungers are something you REALLY NEED when you need them.

    21. Bluebell*

      My favorite AirBnbs have been the ones with friendly and clear instructions. This has ranged from a lovely hand drawn map to an entire binder. Also, if you have preferences or expectations for checkout, include those too – many guests are fine stripping the bed, or taking out trash.
      Leaving snacks or a bottle of wine is really nice. Also, during the summer, it’s nice to have fans as well as AC, but watch the dust. The last Airbnb I was in had a great vintage fan, but it was filthy. Ack.

    22. Pool Lounger*

      Bloomberg had an article thus week titled “Airbnb Is Spending Millions of Dollars to Make Nightmares Go Away.” I’d suggest reading it and making sure you have the causes of the nightmares as covered as possible. The biggest one would be key access that ensures no one else can make duplicates of the keys. The best airbnbs I’ve stayed at were basically run like a hotel—realty company handling keys, prompt responses to questions from hosts, basic amenities covered. The worst experience was with a host who was terrible at answering emails and was unclear about picking up keys—we canceled that one last minute for a hotel.

      1. ampersand*

        I read that article and it was absolutely fascinating! I had never thought about that side of Airbnb—so clearly they’re managing their PR pretty well, but damn was that eye opening.

        I appreciate keyless access. The last Airbnb I was at had a keypad lock and I greatly appreciated it, and I super appreciate it after reading that article.

      2. OpalescentTreeShark*

        I just recently stayed at an Airbnb where she programmed the key lock to the last four digits of the booking person’s phone number. I thought that was so smart!

        1. Cooper*

          These are available commercially, fyi! It’s a standard part of the programming on some of these smart locks– you can change the codes to expire after a specific period of time, so there’s no security risk at all. Definitely a great solution for something like this!

    23. Imtheone*

      We’ve stayed at many AirBnbs, for both short and long-term stays.

      We like to have information in the Airbnb to tell us how to access the Internet, how to use the stove, etc. If you can’t get on the internet, and the only info on the wifi password is on the internet, that is very frustrating. Our first time seeing a stove with radiant heat was very confusing. We finally figured out how it worked. (The landlord told us that everyone uses them in France-which as frequent visitors, we knew was not true. We just smiled.
      The same for using other appliances. This happened to us in multiple languages sometimes in places where we didn’t know any of the four languages that the instructions were translated into.
      Very important to have comfortable mattresses. Also while European bedding can be different, for example a bottom sheet and a duvet cover, in hot weather we really just prefer a sheet and a light blanket. We had to ask at one place for this when it was a very hot summer. Also if it’s hot and there’s no AC, please provide a fan, which makes a huge difference.

      I think some of these things are really the basics, but they are not universal. As a real basic need, make sure the place is clean, well dusted, no hairs in the bathtub. It sounds obvious but can be overlooked.

      Yes, it is great to have tea and coffee and a coffee maker. Packets of sugar as long as they’re not very old and crusty, salt and pepper, cooking oil. I’ll echo what others have said that it’s nice to move personal items off of coffee tables and dresser tops so the visitor can put a small number of their own it down. Better to have a few attractive pictures on the wall and maybe a nice looking bowl on the coffee table then to have lots of cute decorations on flat surfaces.

      1. Imtheone*

        Also a few straight chairs in the bedroom- helpful for putting on socks. And a bedside table with light and outlet on each side of a double bed. When you where glasses, it’s worrying not to know where to set your glasses before sleep.

    24. tamarack and fireweed*

      The people we bought our current place from ran two small stand-alone cabins on the property as B’n’B – via AirBnB, and their ratings were excellent. One is now our guest quarters, the other is my hobby space / studio / home office. Here are some of the things I found that I thought were thoughtful:

      – clear instructions in a binder (written in a tone that sounds friendly yet assertive rather than like a faceless bureaucracy), plus a guest book
      – book cases with tourist guidebooks, local history, local storytelling / cultural interest, transport options, maps
      – board games
      – kitchen equipped for quick-and-no-fuss food preparation (microwave / coffee machine, basic cutlery and crockery with some local motives, some basic non/slow perishable ingredients like cheap coffee, assortment of teas, cooking oil, instant pancake mix, some canned soups and veggies, spices/condiments, salad spinner, trash bags, can opener, rubber bands, aluminium foil, sandwich and gallon sized closable bags
      – a key hook contraption (no losing of keys in a stranger’s place!)
      – portable lights (flashlight, night lantern whatever)
      – basic first aid / health kit, esp. band aids, mosquito repellent, mosquito sting itch cream, basic moisturizing / dry skin lotion, ibuprofen
      – basic cleaning supplies (paper towels, mild surface/window spray, dustpan and broom, small vacuum cleaner)

      1. Clisby*

        And, adding to your second point – a list of nearby restaurants/bars/bakeries/coffeeshops with brief descriptions of what to expect.

      2. mcl*

        We just stayed in an AirBNB and I really appreciated that there was a small shelf of books to read, and a small first aid kit in the bathroom. We didn’t hurt ourselves and didn’t use it, but I thought it was a really nice thing to have in case you cut yourself in the kitchen or something.

    25. Happy vacationer*

      We’ve stayed in a lot of Airbnbs with varying levels of kitchen provisions, and I have to say that my favorite was the one that was equipped almost as well as my home kitchen. They had every kind of baking dish, kitchen gadget, many sizes of pots and pans, and a really well-stocked pantry (oils, lots of herbs and spices, vinegars, sugar.) We were there for a week during the pandemic (so not eating out in restaurants) and it was just great to be able to cook like I was at home instead of that sort of making-do cooking that you normally do in a vacation place. I agree with others that identifying your coffee situation clearly in the listing is crucial, even if you say you don’t provide the coffee. We once stayed in a place that said they had a Keurig and provided pods, but then they left, like, 2 pods for each day, which was a major bummer. The nicest extra touch I’ve seen is at a place we stayed in Bruges where they left us several bottles of a local beer. Oh, and please leave more than enough toilet paper and paper towels!

    26. Pay No Attention To The Man Behind The Curtain*

      The last ski resort i stayed at provided a humidifier. It’s not even something i would think about, but in the cold dry winter mountain air, it was a bit of a godsend. Do you expect to have families with smaller children? Could you provide a few very simple toys like ball or disc-type sled. If you’re renting out in the summer, it would be nice to have a bicycle or two or have them as rental add-ons provided upon request.

    28. Kardamumma*

      Reading lights on either side of the bed – not just lamps, but lights you can actually read by. And a surface/bedside table on either side – for water glass, alarm clock, etc. I actually look for that in the Air BnB photos and eliminate properties on that basis alone.
      An ice cube tray and ice already made. When we arrive, we want to make a drink and relax.
      A tea pot and a tea cozy.
      A selection of pillows – from slim and soft to firm and foofy.
      Information about local transit (if applicable), where to buy groceries, a couple of restaurant recommendations.
      I also often filter for washing machine and dryer because we like to travel light.

  7. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Writing thread! How’s everyone’s writing going? As usual, this is not limited to fiction writing, any writing goes.
    I just realised that the way I planned to resolve a certain conflict would mean a serious out of character moment for one of my characters, so now I have to figure out something else.

    1. Laura H.*

      I got a kick in the pants/ come to Jesus moment that I need to be a better coauthor (and that maybe they’re onto something with giving the coauthored fic full attention.).

      Hoping I can keep up the newfound momentum…

    2. tamarack and fireweed*

      I have been thinking about how to reset my writing practice. This is for scientific output, but also two blogs are lying fallow, and I am feeling terribly blocked.

      So I installed / am trying out Scrivener as a writing project management tool. Wish me luck.

      1. Yellow Flowers*

        Let u know how you like Scrivener. I’m thinking of trying it out for my dissertation.

  8. Just Lurking*

    Have any other cat parents here dealt with a kitty suffering from feline cognitive dysfunction? I am looking for both commiseration as well as tips for coping.

    My cat is 11 and has been displaying symptoms for about five months. It started off as increased nighttime vocalizations, then progressed to general confusion and disorientation, occasional litter box issues, and forgetting previously learned behaviors and actions. I’m shocked at how quickly her condition has deteriorated.

    I have taken her to the vet and had a full exam, blood workup, etc. done. Doc prescribed an anti-anxiety med to try and help with the nighttime yowling, but otherwise didn’t have much to add beyond saying this is an unfortunate fact of life for many older cats.

    I feel like I have a bewildered furry little stranger in my house, and we (me and the cat) both seem not to know what to do moving forward. I am committed to trying to keep her as comfortable as possible for however much time we have left. It hurts that I can just “love” her out of this.

    1. Melody Pond*

      Yes! My elderly cat who just died within the last six months had pretty bad feline cognitive dysfunction. I can mostly offer commiseration – it was really really awful how loud she would scream bloody murder at night time. My husband described it to the vet as, “she screams like someone has just stuck her leg into a meat grinder.” She was also mostly deaf and seemed to be going blind at the end there.

      Things we tried (oh so many):
      – Husband built a 2 ft tall, 4 ft deep, 6 ft long plywood box with a hinged lid that we lined with acoustic egg crate foam from Amazon. It fit a litter box, bed, food, and water, and it was her night time place for a while.
      – We kept her in a different part of the basement at night time, as far away as possible from our bedroom
      – She did have high blood pressure, I think, which exacerbates the yowling; we gave her blood pressure meds regularly
      – We tried giving her gabapentin at night
      – Think we tried a few random calming treats, including CBD treats specifically made for cats

      Our cat was quite elderly at this point though – almost 19? And she had several worsening medical conditions. Since your cat is so much younger, if you can afford it, I think I’d suggest looking into an animal behavior clinic. We consulted with a behaviorist vet when debating whether it was time for euthanasia or not. The one we spoke with was really helpful.

      1. Just Lurking*

        I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your kitty. I will have to look into the behaviorist recommendation!

    2. Bucky Barnes*

      My mom’s cat did the nighttime yowling and wandering and occasional box issues. She took him to the vet and it was his thyroid. So he’s on a thyroid Med that’s apparently delish to him. Now if he starts it up, the vet readjusts his meds and he settles down again. He’s 18 now and still doing well.

      1. Lizzie*

        My 12 year old deaf cat has the thyroid ear gel. Only last week I got a night light for the hallway, to see if maybe the yelling was to do with waking up and not being able to see her way around very well. Too soon to tell if it makes much difference, but you could try adding light to wherever your cat sleeps.
        The neighbour’s cat, who has moved in, will sometimes stop my cat having ready access to either of the litter boxes, and after a wee incident I now put a puppy pee pad right next to water bowl and midnight biscuit snack bowl, in the room my cat sleep in. She uses this most nights now.
        As usual, I recommend a sheepskin for your cat if you can get one, they have softness and warmth for old bones as well as that whole substitute mum feeling. My cat is lying on hers on the back of the couch right now!

        1. Lizzie*

          Also you could see if pain relief made a difference, your cat may be waking with arthritic twinges; my vet prescribed some shockingly expensive krill oil capsules which my cat vetoed after the first week of having the capsules opened and the oil put on her food. If your cat can hear, maybe having the radio on quietly would soothe it a bit when you are not right there.
          Otherwise there is nothing for it but to start wearing your hoodie backwards and carrying your cat around everywhere with you in its special hoodie pouch haha. I don’t know why I am laughing, lots of cats would give that a high five as a good idea!

    3. the cat's ass*

      I’m so sorry, i hear you: my older cat, Mr. Bongo (12) is what we term “sweetly demented.” Full workup at the vet, negative. We got him a furry donut thing to sleep in and he loves it. Sometimes he seems to get lost in the dark at night and wanders around howling, so we leave a nightlight on for him and that has helped a little as well. A previous cat had arthritis and CBD oil seemed to help, and when i take him in next week for a check up Ill ask i if that’s at all helpful. It’s so hard to watch or precious little friends decline.

    4. Girasol*

      Our 19 year old was like that in his last year. He would get a frantic look and start scrambling around searching, and we had to lead him to the litterbox. If we didn’t catch it soon enough he’d squat on the living room floor with an “I’m so sorry!” look of shame on his face. Sometimes he’d meow plaintively and we’d need to show him how to find his food bowl. He got so lost even in our very small house. It was sad.

    5. I'm A Little Teapot*

      My elderly kitty had a little bit of it, but she died from other things before it progressed much, and it was hard to tell how much was kitty dementia vs. the side effects of going deaf and blind. The big piece I considered was quality of life. If kitty isn’t able to engage in behaviors that she enjoys, is frequently unhappy, stressed, confused, etc, that may not be much of a life. Good luck.

    6. WS*

      My cat started with this and in his case he was in pain (arthritis in an old injury) and was hiding it. He was given medication (gabapentin) to help both pain and anxiety and it really helped him, especially with the sundowning. The other thing that helped was to keep him in a smaller area of the house temporarily, so that he didn’t get lost.

    7. Dancing Otter*

      For the nighttime yowling, putting nightlights in both bathrooms (litter pans and water bowls in each) helped considerably.
      This does not resolve a basic disagreement about breakfast time. We leave dry kibble out all the time, making sure all bowls (food and water) are full at bedtime. Fortunately, our little loudmouth seems to have concluded that the sound of the coffeemaker is his signal for morning treats – canned food or broth never, but never, appear before coffee.
      So he still wakes us up early sometimes, but that isn’t a new behavior.

  9. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Gaming thread! What’s everyone been playing this week? As usual, this is not limited to video games so feel free to talk about any kind of game you want including phone games and board games. Also feel free to ask for recommendations or help identifying a vaguely remembered game.
    I’ve been alternating Hades with Stardew Valley. Just…one… more…attempt/day…

    In some exciting news, we’re finally getting Trails from Zero and Trails to Azure in the West, woo! Looks like they’ll be working with the fan translators too, which should speed up things nicely.

    1. ecnaseener*

      I mentioned a few weeks ago that I was playing Pandemic: Legacy — one of our group is moving out of state in a few days so we had to push to finish the game last night and we managed it! We won the final round and but our overall score was low. Saved the world but only a little ;P

    2. Jay*

      Been playing Dreamscaper quite a bit. It is a really unusual one, mostly the most relaxing rogue-like you can possibly imagine.

    3. twocents*

      New D&D game kicking off tonight. Looking over my notes this morning to make sure I still like what I drafted for my character’s… character, lol.

      Otherwise, playing Final Fantasy XII: The Zodiac Age. Hoping I can finish it before Skyward Sword drops next month.

    4. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I’ve had a tendonitis flare up, so I’m trying to go easy on the video games . But it’s Dragon Bash Festival in Guild Wars 2 this week, so I’m maybe doing a little more pinata smashing then I ought to, because I kind of want a pinata stand in my home instance.

      1. Nessun*

        Dragon Bash!! My guild is hard at work collecting zhaitaffy for the new holo dragon decorations! I just like betting on the moas and then doing the race (I am garbage at the pinata adventure).

    6. Bookgarden*

      After the announcement of Metroid Dread, I was inspired to play Super Metroid again and have been enjoying that. I had it when it originally came out on the Super NES and I’m really surprised at how much I remember. The game had so many great design elements and details for the time. Still playing a little bit of New Pokemon Snap, too.

      Also, I finally got to the island in Stardew Valley! I’m enjoying the big new area to explore but feel bad about neglecting Pelican Town, so I’m trying to balance in-game time between the two places.

      1. The Dude Abides*

        If you are into emulation, I’d suggest checking out the Super Metroid randomizer community.

        1. Bookgarden*

          Thanks for the recommendation! I’m playing it on the Switch so I don’t think it’ll be an option for this playthrough, but I’ll look into the community if it’s OSX friendly.

          1. The Dude Abides*

            It should be. I use OpenEmu on OSX, since you can emulate multiple platforms in the same program.

    7. MEH Squared*

      Cozy Grove (Spry Fox) had a big update and now you can hug the bears! And there are bugs and critters to catch. And there’s a summer event happening in July. And, and, and…so much fun!

      Still trying to find a meaty ARPG to tide me over until Elden Ring (FromSoft). The struggle is real.

    8. LimeRoos*

      Still enjoying the Minecraft update. But I found this stupid good house designer website so I’ve made 2 forever homes… Floorplanner . com. Highly recommend, there’s a much larger selection of furniture than I expected, so many different surface textures, and you can do 2D and 3D modes. I keep meaning to get back into Pokemon Snap but it doesn’t quite hold the same feeling as the original, but I’m pretty sure that’s the nostalgia talking. We’d play it in middle school all night eating crap food and drinking mountain dew. Maybe I just need pizza puffs and mountain dew. I may try this soon.

      Hubby is just past the halfway point in Ratchet & Clank, and I’m debating doing a playthrough. It’s gorgeous and fun, while the platform puzzles seem challenging but doable. Reminds me of Metroid Prime a lot, which I am jonesing for big time. I really wish they’d do a Switch version on the EShop. Just do a bundle of Prime & Echoes, I would pay whatever they want at this point. I have it for the Gamecube and Wii but not sure how the graphics would be on a 4K.

      Oh! We also ordered Tony Hawk & It Takes Two for the PS5 to test out more co-op games. There’s a severe lack of couch co-ops on the newer consoles and it’s been disappointing. Granted, I’m probably the only person who loved the Super Smash Bros Brawl adventure mode on two player. But yes, severe lack of couch co-op games so hopefully these will be fun.

      1. Holly the spa pro*

        Totally with you on lamenting the lack of couch co-ops. Im sure its the prevalence and popularity of online gaming but id love more co-op options to play with my husband.

      2. allathian*

        I’d also like more couch co-ops to play with my son, for as long as he’ll agree to play with me. He’s 12 now so I feel like I’m living on borrowed time here.

    9. Jackalope*

      Still working away at Fire Emblem: 3 Houses. This is definitely on my list of most hours ever for a single video game! (I’m at about 230 now….) My husband and I started playing Haven this week too; it’s a 2 person game where each person plays 1/2 of a couple alone on an alien planet, trying to survive. It’s a friendly game (although we’re just starting out), and seems like it will be cozy.

    10. Vesuvius*

      I have extremely poor (re: limited) impulse control and as such, I have been bouncing between games. It’s been literally 2+ years since I had the free time to play video games at all, and the last 1.5y have been sort of hellish for unrelated reasons (I had a Toxic Hell Job). I’ve also been binge-reading AAM to try and get a sense of how to recover and move forward from THJ.

      Since quitting my THJ, I have gotten into:

      1) Stardew Valley. I’m doing a co-op farm with my partner. We’re still on Year 1, but we’re in winter! We are enjoying the pace of the game and discussing love interests (the 12 bachelors/bachelorettes). Also, he’s a big fan of the mines, so we have gotten to level 85ish. We also discovered the flying skull cave but no bus to the desert yet! I’m looking forward to exploring Ginger Island and the Desert both!

      2) La Mulana — This is a 2D metroidvania game set deep in the wilds of a place that has a very tiny mountain village (site not registered on map, no idea where you’re based). You play as Professor Lemeza Kosugi, who is effectively a more awesome Indiana Jones, and you are exploring the ruins of La Mulana, the nearby temple, looking for your father who went in months ago (also an archaeologist). The ruins are not a nice place and they’re teeming with monsters. The puzzles are very challenging and expect you to write down the tablet clues and locations. The lore is super interesting and expansive, the art is very good, and though it’s hard I always feel really good when I succeed at even a small puzzle. I have had to look some parts up, though. This one is the one I’ve spent a lot of time on (despite getting stuck several times).

      3) Stellaris — I highly recommend looking up a how-to guide or something. I got 100% lost on this game. There are so many menus! Although it’s really cool as a concept, and I want to play it, it has a higher learning curve than I’d expect.

      4) Fallout New Vegas — My partner has this game and shared it with me (we share a Steam library, temporarily) so I wouldn’t buy a game only to hate it. I’m enjoying it but I keep dying because I screw up reading the UI >.<

      5) Tomb Raider (the 2013 game) — For some reason I got this free while I was in college, with all the DLC. Still have no idea how I got it. The camera angle is nice, though, and so are the weapons — I don't feel as though I suck at shooting games anymore, haha. Though I do wish I had an unlock camera button or a lock-on button like other games!

    11. Elizabeth West*

      I downloaded Katamari Damacy REROLL from Steam and have been messing with that on the PC. This game is just as weird as I remember, lol.

      It’s a bit harder using the keyboard, but my PS2 is in storage. Other than that, the game is exactly the same.

  10. NYC Nonprofit*

    Anyone have experience with all electric apartments in NYC? I was offered this studio apartment this week that is perfect in every way except… the only utility provided is cold water. Heat, hot water, and the stove are all electric.

    Everything I’m reading online is saying that an electric only apartment would be a nightmare to have in NYC, with both very cold winters and hot summers. My budget for utilities is not more than $150-200 per month. Is there any possible way this could work, or should I just run?

    Thank you in advance!!

    1. Might Be Spam*

      Where I live, you can call the utility company and ask what the monthly utility bills are for a particular address. We have a combined electric and gas company and they told me that electric heat is around three times the cost of gas heat. Of course YMMV.

    2. KeinName*

      Hi, this sounds very interesting to me and I do not understand, not being from the US. Could you explain how it usually is? In my city (very cold winters) it is quite common to have electric heaters in older apartments, and when you only switch them on in the room you are currently using they can be quite cheap. It is also nice to have only the electricity bill. What kind of heaters are in there? Here you can find free standing very old ‚night saving heaters‘ which heat up during the night. You can also get old electric wall mounted ones, and more recently infrared panels which you can buy yourself and retrofit and have very healthy heat. They are all rather efficient, especially if your apartment is small and you dress warmly. As for warm water, is this not always electrically heated? The more you use the higher the eletricity bill will be? Maybe I am misunderstanding something here ;-)

      1. Bobina*

        This is a regional thing, but where I’ve lived in Europe and the UK, gas boilers are usually responsible for hot water and heating. All electric is uncommon, usually only if the building is not connected to the gas grid, and known for being very inefficient and expensive (unless its a brand new building that has been designed to be well insulated, and use new heating technology, which is rarely the case). As others have said, bills where its electric heating can easily be triple the price of a standard gas boiler. I know the US has a much bigger variety of heating options (including oil etc) but I’m not surprised at the hesitancy at an all electric set-up.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Yep. In the US places with electric heat spark the response “OH NOOOOO”. Winter can get insanely expensive.
          Where I live alternatives include heavy use of wood heat, but there is also oil heat, sometimes gas. Here electric heat per month can be equal to or greater than the rent per month. Typically when landlords divide up a house into apartments here they put in electric heat.

        2. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

          Yeah, if you are on burning-based electricity (i.e. coal fueled power plants) it’s far more efficient to do the burning at your place so you get the heat directly. A power plant burns the fuel to turn to heat, turns the heat into electricity using turbines, the electricity is sent to you on the power grid, and then your heater turns it back into heat. It wastes some at every step, so it’s better to do locally.

      2. ThatGirl*

        In a lot of the US, natural gas is used for heating water, the stove, and the house/apartment. In New York specifically the buildings are often heated with giant boilers/radiators that also provide hot water. Gas and thermal heat are usually less expensive than electric. And apartments often provide those as part of the rent, so you only pay for electricity for lights/appliances and AC in summer.

      3. RagingADHD*

        In NYC in particular, it is traditional / common for buildings to be centrally heated by steam radiators from a common boiler. So heat & hot water are included in the rent, or in the maintenance charges for a condominium or co-op.

        Since the radiators are either on or off for the season, you will sometimes see folks with their windows open in the winter to let an excess of heat out.

        My main concern about an all-electric unit would be whether it was retrofitted into an older building, or if the building is new and designed for efficiency.

        1. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

          I thought for a long time that it was absurd for me to have the windows open to avoid overheading when it was snowing.

          Then we had the pandemic, and I discovered that “you get so much heat you need the windows open in the winter” isn’t a bug, it’s a feature, for ventilation during epidemics.

      4. KeinName*

        Thank you all for your explanations. It might be that insulation standards are also different and therefore the electric heat it not such an issue.

      5. Clisby*

        My hot water (and stove) are gas. Everything else is electric. I’m in the US. I don’t care about the hot water – we just inherited the water heater from the previous owner. I will never have an electric stove if gas service is available.

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      In Indiana, with hot summers and cold winters, I have three fully working from home adults, one of whom has five reptiles and their associated heat/humidity needs, in a 2700 sqft all-electric house, and our electric bill averages $201 per month over the last two years. I can’t imagine a studio apartment somehow managing to exceed that.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        For consistency: most utility companies will do what they call “budget billing,” where they average the bill over a 12 month period so it stays consistent for you, rather than having (for example) a $20 bill one month and a $100 bill another month. Usually in month 12, they reconcile what you’ve paid with what the actual running total was (which, at least for my power company, is available on each bill as well) and you pay (or don’t pay) the balance to zero it out, then they set you a new “budget” for the next 12 months based on the last 12 months usage and so on. (So when I say my electric bill averages so much, that’s what I mean – my current budgeted amount is $201, the previous 12 month period’s budgeted amount was $205. I think the 12 months before that, when I still had the original windows in my 1980s house, it was $235?)

    4. TimeTravlR*

      Growing up in the North, I just learned to wear socks, sweats, etc. all the time. If you budget the $150 – $200 then hopefully you can save some in the spring and fall when temps are better and you can apply the savings for the cold winters. A studio apartment shouldn’t be as bad (although as someone else noted you may be able to find out average use from the electric co).

    5. AvonLady Barksdale*

      Run. At all of the apartments I lived in in NYC, the landlord paid for heat and hot water, so already you’re covering something you could avoid covering. I don’t remember ever seeing a listing that didn’t include those two utilities. At our last place, in Manhattan, we rented a condo that turned out to have heat issues in the building. Our landlord (who was wonderful, like a New York unicorn) brought us a space heater and offered to pay the difference in our electric bill.

      Unless your base rent is something insane like $900 (ha!), don’t do it. And it’s not just because of the electric, it’s because you’re likely better off with a landlord who’s willing to cover it.

    6. pancakes*

      I’ve lived in NYC for 24 years and have never heard of this. Every apartment I’ve lived in has included heat and hot water, and landlords are required by law to provide it during “heat season” (Oct. 1 through May 31). Search for that phrase and you will find more information about it. This apartment sounds like an illegal conversion.

      1. NopityNope*

        Quick note, the landlord is required to provide heat and water, but not necessarily pay for it. It could definitely be a illegal conversion, but (optimistically) a newer build or renovation may have individually-metered heat/water. Absolutely crucial for OP to investigate thoroughly!

        1. pancakes*

          I don’t think that’s correct. My understanding is that the residence has to be heated to a certain temperature regardless who pays for it to reach that temperature. From last year’s press release on nyc dot gov:

          “The Department of Housing Preservation and Development today announces the start of New York City’s ‘heat season,’ during which all residential building owners are required to maintain indoor temperatures at 68 degrees when outdoor temperatures fall below 55 degrees during the day. Indoor temperatures must also be a minimum of 62 degrees overnight, regardless of outdoor temperatures. Building owners are legally required to provide hot water at 120 degrees year-round.”

          1. AvonLady Barksdale*

            They’re required to maintain the heat and hot water, but they are not required to pay the utility– they can legally pass that to the tenant. Most do not.

            1. pancakes*

              I see. It looks like they do have to provide a history upon request:

              “Before signing a lease requiring payment of individual heating and cooling bills, prospective tenants are entitled to receive a complete set or summary of the past two years’ bills from the landlord. These copies must be provided free upon written request (Energy Law § 17-103).”

    7. NopityNope*

      As mentioned in another post, get info on past builds. Con Ed will give you 24 months of history as a prospective renter. Also find out how the bill is calculated. Do you have a separate meter, or is there some kind of dividing of a larger bill going on? If you’re paying Co Ed based on your actual use, that’s one thing, but I’d be more leery of a landlord divvying up the building’s bill. Especially if there are larger apartments, families, etc. I’d be concerned about potentially paying more than my fair share as one person in a studio if there aren’t separate meters.

      Also, re: heat, what floor is the apartment on? My apt was on the top/5th floor and I had to open windows in the winter because the overall building was just warm. Granted, not electric heat, but heat might not be a huge issue. Also, central heat/thermostat versus wall heater? More control with a thermostat.

      So definitely check the usage history and, if possible, find out what other residents’ experience is with the landlord. It might change a great deal into a good deal, or just an okay deal. But if it’s otherwise a good option (location, etc.), I’d at least consider it.

    8. Thriftyone*

      I have never lived in NYC but regarding electric hot water heater, it most likely will have it’s own breaker, you could turn the breaker off when you plan to be out of the apartment for long periods of time and turn back on when you plan on using hot water. We did this when we went to work and even over night since we used little hot water in AM. We created small sign, hot water on/off to track it.

      1. Clisby*

        Back when I was a college student in Charleston, SC, I turned off the water heater entirely for at least 3 months in the summer. Charleston’s water supply was mostly surface water, so it was pushing 80 degrees anyway – I didn’t even need the water heated for a shower.

    9. PT*

      When I lived in Boston I was advised to RUN from this situation, too. The heating bill would be too crazy in the winter (I think someone told me to budget $400 in the winter if you took a unit with electric heat, but that was a long time ago now.) I always opted for units in older buildings where the heat/hot water/water were included for that reason.

    10. Fulana del Tal*

      Run. My A/C during the summer eight years ago was over $200. With prices increases this will blow your budget. Like others have said unless you’re paying a well below market level rent it isn’t worth it.

    11. lapgiraffe*

      I had all electric in a six story building in Boston for over a decade, AC could get expensive but I like it cold so I ran it constantly. Heat was never, ever, ever an issue, never a bill over $125, maybe not even $100, and never had to turn it down during day or night to try to save $$$. Always nice and toasty.

      I then moved to a house with gas and good lord, what an awful two winters of over $400/month bills. These were two family homes and not insulated, the second winter was the first in the place I bought and after getting insulation I’m not even hitting a third of what my heats bills used to be, but I’m still paying more for my heat than I ever did in my all electric condo.

      People have always lamented expensive electric heat (here in Boston/New England), not even a thing where I’m front down South) but that just hasn’t been my experience. I currently have steam heat radiators and, through my bestie’s Master Plumber boyfriend, have learned a lot about steam heat. I believe the northeast has the majority of steam heat buildings, it’s a holdover from another era but clearly it’s so expensive to build or replace things that the residents of the region have come to, dare I say, romanticize it because it’s what they know/they can’t change it. I swear I think the electric heat=high bills is an old wives tale and comes from an bygone era.

      NYC apartments will often have the heat included because it’s on one large steam heat system so it would be impossible to individually meter each unit. That’s why so many people complain about the radiators they can’t control, have to open up windows even when it’s freezing, it’s all one big unit set to one temperature. It’s also why water is included, but know that included means your rent is calculated to cover it, not that it’s necessarily a better deal. Having all electric means they can meter each unit, therefore no need for the landlord to cover it.

      Don’t get me wrong, I actually love my steam heat (we’re on natural gas) but I truly had no issues with electric heat and wouldn’t consider it a red flag.

    12. Observer*

      the only utility provided is cold water. Heat, hot water, and the stove are all electric.

      I’m fairly sure that they still have to pay for the heating / hot water. Check with the NYC agency that covers this – HPD (Housing Preservation and Development.)

      The rule is not that they have to provide gas, but that they have to provide heat, and it doesn’t matter how the heat is provided.

  11. nnn*

    Can anyone recommend, from a place of firsthand knowledge, a weighted blanket that’s appropriate for the summer?

    In the most ideal of all possible worlds, it would be no warmer than a single cotton bedsheet and, somehow, as physically thick as a down comforter.

    IRL, I suspect we might run up against the laws of physics there, but I’d love to hear about anything that is actually, in real life, keeping you cool and also securely wrapped up in a palpable thickness.

    1. Buni*

      ugh, I’m no use to you but I’ve been looking for something similar too. I’m not so bothered about the thickness but I want All of the weight with None of the heat…

      1. Still*

        I don’t know if it’s just my browser, but the link isn’t working for me. It looks like a link but isn’t clickable and doesn’t seem to lead anywhere. Which is a shame, because now I’m very curious about this wonderful knockoff!

        1. nnn*

          The link doesn’t work for me either. Based on what I see with the Inspect Element function of my browser, it looks like there’s an a tag, but no href.

    3. Bon Voyage*

      Try searching for a chunky knit style?
      I made one that mostly fits the bill using T-shirt yarn (about 12-14 pounds worth) and arm-knitting. It’s pretty breathable, since it’s cotton with lots of little gaps in the fabric. Happy to share more details if this would be up someone’s crafting alley.

    4. A Cat named Brian*

      I bought one from etsy that was regular quilt material with tiny plastic beads inserted in the squares. It’s much cooler.than the one I got my daughter from Target. (Hers is similar to a standard blanket material.) Most of the time I’m fine but I use a small fan near my bed.

    5. fposte*

      I’m not a weighted blanket person, but I’ve become besotted with the microfiber blankets that are velvety on one side and fleece on the other. The low-end ones I buy from my supermarket in winter have a clear filament weave holding them together and the nap clumps up a little with a few washings, so they’re sort of thick but lacy as a result. Maybe that would be a possibility? I’ll include a link in followup to an Amazon example, but the key search term seems to be “sherpa blanket” with a check that it’s not trying to be fleece on both sides.

    6. Nordygirl*

      They are pricey, but I have a Tree Napper from Bearaby and I LOVE it. It’s cool enough for summer sleeping and is the perfect weight for me.

    7. Low Key Laufeyson*

      I’m not sure where you would even begin to look, but a loose-mesh chain mail would work perfectly.

  12. Virginia Plain*

    In a recent open thread, under someone’s topic of Small Joys, I posted about singing in a cathedral choir. Too late, I saw someone had asked if services were streamed. Now I can’t find those posts but if the choral music fan is reading this, yes, just search for Guildford Cathedral on YouTube – most services are streamed live but available afterwards. You’ll know if it’s my choir (as opposed to the main cathedral choir with choristers) as we wear plain blue cassocks (theirs are a sort of terracotta with a white surplice). Our next services are 18th July.

  13. WeAreTheJunimos*

    Hi friends! I posted a couple weekends ago about getting a bonded pair of cats! I read all of your advice, thank you! We had the home visit yesterday, which went very well and we’ve already found most of the hiding spots downstairs. I’m sure there are more. They are joining the family on Thursday! I have pretty much nothing for them, but will be shopping Monday! So my next question would be, what was the best purchase you made for your cats?

    1. Bea*

      Toys! Lots and lots of toys. Cat tree. Scratching post. Soft beds. Window perches. Crinkle tunnel. Mats that go under the litter boxes to trap tracked out pieces. I’ll keep thinking…

    2. The Other Dawn*

      My cats go berserk for those teaser wand toys, the ones with a long wand and a string and toy attached. They love the ones with the lightweight furry mouse or the feather, though they prefer the mouse. They don’t like anything that will whack them in the face so I avoid the wands that have the big stuffed fish on the end.

      1. Anonymous Today*

        I, too, prefer things that don’r whack me in the face.

        (Thanks for the laugh.)

    3. L. Ron Jeremy*

      High quality, gain free wet food. Solved the urine crystals and overweight conditions once I transitioned them slowly from dry food.
      Both cats have increased energy and their pelts are full fluffy and shiney.

      1. Flower necklace*

        I agree with high quality wet food. My cat was fine on dry food until my dad died. I really wish I had fed him wet food from the beginning. It would have saved me a lot of stress.

        My cat is very particular about his toys. I started out buying him a ton of toys until I learned what he likes. His favorite now is catnip mice – specifically Frisco Sparkle Fish. They’re small enough that they bounce when he bats them around. He likes ping pong balls, too, but I prefer the fish.

    4. c-*

      Some people love getting toys for their cats, but mine was happy with homemade toys, so if you’re crafty you can have fun recycling scraps :) Best thing I bought was a heavy hardcover encyclopedia about cats (behaviour, breeds, care advice, common illnesses…) Can’t recommend it enough, it was called The Big/Great Cat Book or something like that.
      Aside from that, good stable metal bowls (4, if you get 2 cats) for food and water, good food (not gourmet but not storebrand either), a litter box, litter, scoop, a scratching post and something large and soft for bedding (a pillow/fluffy rug inside a basket works). Cats don’t need much, I’d save the money for the vet.

      1. c-*

        Oh! And a pair of claw clippers and a cheap long-toothed hair brush for grooming. Chips are better than collars, but if you get collars, *make sure they have elastic bands*. Cats can choke when climbing if the collar gets caught in something, otherwise.

        1. Lizzie*

          Some cardboard boxes, with a few viewing or paw holes cut in a couple of sides for extra entertainment.

    5. It's Quarantime!*

      I live on an upper floor with a balcony/patio.
      I bought an insert for the sliding glass door that has a cat flap.
      My kitty could go out and lay in the sun whenever he wished.
      It enhanced his life tremendously.
      And sometimes, he would come in to cuddle with me.
      He smelled like sunshine. Like line dried laundry.
      It made my heart sing.
      I miss him.
      So much.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        There’s a poem in there whether you intended it or not. I miss your cat now too.

        1. Imtheone*

          My friend built a catio, so the cat could safely go on the balcony whenever he wanted.

    6. PT*

      Get one of each kind of scratcher, so you can find out which sort they like. Though I recommend, if you have carpet, do not get a scratcher that has a carpeted base or post. When I got my cat as a kitten, I got her a cardboard scratcher for “flat” scratching and a sisal scratch post with a carpet base for “vertical” scratching and it turned out that her favorite thing to scratch was the carpet base of the sisal scratch post. Now she thinks all carpet is for scratching. Whoops.

    7. Cookie D'oh*

      Da Bird feather cat toy
      Vivipet water bowl and food dishes
      Smart Cat ultimate scratching post
      Also, some cardboard scratches for horizontal scratching
      A good metal scoop (instead of plastic) for the litter box
      Black Hole litter box mats

      Congrats on your new additions!

    8. Skeeder Jones*

      2 best purchases:
      Litter Genie – helps trap the stink when cleaning the litter box
      Cat fountain – my cat lurves this! You can even put in ice cubes on a hot day
      I also recommend the Breeze system for the litter box however, my cat is pretty big and doesn’t really fit in the one with the cover so she ends up peeing on the mat I keep beneath the litter box, basically she doesn’t always get her whole rear in to the box. So, I would not recommend it for large cats but if she was a little smaller it would be perfect. So much easier on upkeep than a traditional litterbox.

    9. gabbet*

      Pick up some reeds, rushes, wildflowers, grass, feathers, maybe pinecones and such, if there’s any nature at all nearby. Reeds can be used as toy wands, pinecones can be thrown for the cat to chase if so inclined, feathers smell like birds, even mixed bouquets of random plants can be fascinating for indoor cats. I think it’s about the outdoor smells. Plus you get a purposeful walk in the nature out of it.

      Just make sure that none of the things you bring in are toxic to cats. Flora Incognita is a great free app that identifies plants based on photos you take with your phone camera.

    10. Jackalope*

      Cat towers are really good so they have a place to climb. We put ours next to windows and the cats can look out and bird watch. A really solid litter scoop is also nice; we had a couple of plastic ones that broke, but got an aluminum one that is so much sturdier. And lots of toys – cat toys are cheap, and a couple of packs of jingly balls and catnip mice make a big difference.

      1. Lizzie*

        A pot of cat grass is welcome for indoor cats, they will nibble a bit as a digestive, or eat a few blades of it if they need to throw up a fur ball.

    11. mcl*

      Honestly, a very expensive automatic feeder, the Pet Safe Healthy Pet Programmable Dog & Cat feeder. It was like $90 so I was really hesitant, but we’ve had it for 4 years and it works like a champ. It’s helpful for when we’re out of town for a night or two, but we have it running all the time to dispense small meals throughout the day. I bought an aftermarket food stream splitter for this auto-feeder (I believe that some enterprising person just made with a 3D printer) that feeds into two bowls instead of one, and glued two cat bowls onto a mat so that the two cats each have their own dish. I clean the bowls when they start to get gross.

  14. GingerSheep*

    So I know this has come up a lot on weekend threads, but I’m not great with the search function and can’t seem to locate the relevant posts. Sorry!
    I wanted to know what resources you would recommend for first-time dog owners? I’m getting a puppy (a papillon) in late August/early September and want to be prepared! I’ve had (and have) lots of animals across my life (cats, a rabbit, various rodents, tropical fish and kids of the human sort) but a dog is a new experience for me… Thanks !

    1. Meh*

      Look into training and doggy day care/social groups. A lot of people don’t do obedience training with small dogs because they figure they can just scoop them up. This leaves poorly behaved dogs that run you.

      Socializing your dog with a variety of people and other animals is necessary if you want to take her out in public. If you WFH then day care is must. So many pandemic pets are now suffering from seperation anxiety because their pet parents hadn’t ever been away from home until now. Also a huge uptick in shelter animals as people dump their pandemic adoptions off because they are returning to offices.

      Good luck and enjoy-puppy life is hard!

      1. fposte*

        “Look into training and doggy day care/social groups. A lot of people don’t do obedience training with small dogs because they figure they can just scoop them up. This leaves poorly behaved dogs that run you.”

        Oh, this is such a pet peeve of mine, and it also can make them snappish and cranky because they’re not getting their bodily autonomy respected.

        1. English, not American*

          In defence of small dog owners with reactive dogs, it’s been other dogs not respecting my pup’s autonomy (or outright attacking him) that’s made him so aggressive. He’s too old for puppy socialising classes, and all the dogs around here are either aggressive dog-haters themselves or bouncy and friendly and *will not* get out of his face even while he snarls and snaps. Add to that a leg injury which means I can’t let him run or jump anyway, yeah I’m going to pick him up when we need to pass another dog.

          1. fposte*

            I think it’s fine to pick up dogs sometimes, regardless of their size. But that’s a move in addition to training them, not the substitute you find with snarling purse dogs.

      2. Chauncy Gardener*

        +1000. Training is as much for the owners as it is for the dog. Also, if you do a group class, you’ll get to see how your dog reacts to other dogs and then get some feedback from the trainer on how to handle the situation
        And yes, we’re seeing the ads now for the pandemic puppies and kittens. Makes me sick, actually

      3. Dog and cat fosterer*

        Daycare isn’t required. I have taken my puppy out for social visits (parks, coffee shops, etc) and I kept her in another room of the home for parts of the workday and did crate training so I can leave without anxiety. I have fostered some dogs with severe separation anxiety and it was a huge worry with my puppy, yet there are a lot of options.

    2. Dear liza dear liza*

      Oh, puppies! So much fun, so much work. Get the pup on a set schedule from day 1, consider crate training, go to puppy kindergarten, be sure to socialize the pup, and remember 1) the pup is a blank slate, so things they do that are troublesome are not meant to be bad- they need you to teach them everything and 2) you have work, friends, family, hobbies- all the pup has is you. Sometimes I really, really want to do something else, but when Bucketdog comes to me for attention, I set aside my desires and give it to her. (With proper boundaries, of course.)

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        On “you need to teach them everything”: Begin as you mean to go on! A papillon is not going to be large, so you have that going for you, but if it’s not going to be something you want them doing for the next 15 years, don’t let them do it as a baby, no matter how cute it is. My husband and I both made that mistake with my younger dog when we brought her home at 8 weeks – he used to just lie down on the floor and let her romp all over him and lick his face and stomp on his kidneys and whatever, because it was cute when she was 8 pounds, but now she’s 50 pounds and still does it every time he lies down on the couch or in bed or wherever. (She only does it to him, at least.). I let her sleep in my lap while I worked, and when she got full-grown, she still insisted on climbing into the chair with me, so now instead of a proper desk chair I have a big armchair at my desk and she regularly tries to take her half out of the middle. :P

    3. Wishing You Well*

      A papillon dog has special needs and issues. Be sure to read up on that particular breed.
      My parents wanted one until either the vet or the breeder told them it could break a bone by merely jumping down from a couch. My parents decided that wasn’t for them and bought a poodle mix.
      I hope it goes well for you!

      1. Dog and cat fosterer*

        The irony is that I’ve heard of many oodle pups being given up to rescues due to broken legs. It’s anecdotal data, but seems to be happening enough that rescues have commented.

    5. Thunderstorm*

      Look for an online community, like a Facebook group, forum, or subreddit, meant for Papillion owners. Every breed has its quirks and it’s very helpful to be able to ask a knowledgeable group when you run into challenges. Start reading it now so you’re better prepared (although some things you never understand until you experience them, lol. I’d read that retriever puppies were mouthy, but was still shocked when ours was a land shark who bit us for months. The retriever forum I joined saved my sanity.)

  15. Kali*

    I’ve just learned that my grandfather has Alzheimer’s, like his mother before him. I know that might mean they carry genes that make Alzheimer’s more likely, like the ae04 variant of apolipoprotein E. Which means there’s a 25% chance I’m also a carrier (50% my mother inherited x a 50% chance she passed it on to me).

    I’ve wanted to have my DNA sequenced for years, since I started studying genetics. I wanted to have it fully sequenced, but those services are expensive. For now, I’ve decided to go with 23andMe. They check SNPs* rather than fully sequence DNA, and that will be enough to tell me if I’m a carrier of ae04 (plus a load of other things they check for). My fiancé is doing the same test, purely because if it turns out I’m a recessive carrier for something like cystic fibrosis, I will definitely want to know if he is as well, so we might as well do the tests together and get a small discount.

    Has anyone had a DNA test done for reasons like this? What was it like getting the results, just on an emotional level?

    *SNPs are single nucleotide polymorphisms, that is, single letters (A, T, C or G) of DNA which tend to differ. For example, take these two sentences:

    My shirt is grey.
    My shirt is gray.

    They both mean exactly the same thing, but they’re spelt differently. To work out if I’m more likely to be British or American, you don’t need to read the whole sentence, you just need to see if the third character from the end is an ‘e’ or an ‘a’. That’s the difference between checking SNPs and fully sequencing.

    1. Meh*

      I’m sorry about your grandfather, mine has had Alzheimer’s for a few years now. Hugs of comfort from a stranger.

      For your example- I can never remember which spelling is which so I alternate when I write grey/gray.

      1. Eden*

        grAy with an A for America, grEy with an E for England! But also nbd to choose one at random.

    2. The Cosmic Avenger*

      I didn’t do it just for apoE, but I did do 23andme and I was curious. I found the easiest way was to export my results to GEDMatch, but now 23andme will list your apoE genotype. It’s not hard to figure out from there, I’ll put a link in a reply, but I found that my family and I are all apoE3.
      Honestly, I’m not sure it’s worth checking, though, because you should be leading your life as if you found that it’s apoE4; trying everything you can to stay healthy. This is why “genetic counselor” is a career path.

    3. fposte*

      I did 23andme several years ago, before the FDA told them to dial their claims back. They gave likelihood results for Alzheimer’s, breast cancer, and one other more obscure thing (can’t remember what) separately from the general results and required additional consent clicks to read them. It was a sobering moment; while my results were okay, I definitely had to steel myself. I think they offered a suggestion of waiting until you were with someone to open those; while I didn’t, I think it’s worth considering.

    4. DNALady*

      I work in DNA sequencing and got a discount years ago from these companies as part of a work perk. I loved reading the ancestry bits and seeing where parts of my (very mixed) background came from. I got both of my parents to do it and it was really cool to see specifically which parts of my chromosomes came from who.

      That said, I chose not to have kids from a very young age (exacerbated by studying genetics TBH), but if I did want to pass my genes on I wouldn’t’ve relied on a mass market “test” like this to make serious determininations about carrier status. Maybe as a jumping off point to see a genetic counselor like “I saw this on 23andme, can we look further?” Not sure if that was the point of your question or not.

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        That’s an excellent point. These commercial kits are intended for “fun” and to satisfy general curiosity. They’re not substitutes for genetic counseling.

        1. Stitching Away*

          And unless things have changed recently, their labs aren’t up to the same standards for accuracy, so you can’t rely on the results, be they positive or negative.

      2. Kali*

        I’m not using them for medical advice. I’m using them as a quick and dirty indicator of what might need more investigating.

        1. pancakes*

          It sounds like you’re counting on it to be a reliable indicator of whether you need to see a genetic counselor for further investigation, though. My understanding is that it isn’t.

    5. Rachel*

      My now-husband and I did specific pre-conception genetic counseling through an OBGYN. There are also free services that do this – like JScreen in the US. I wouldn’t rely on 23andme for medical advice.

    6. ronda*

      I don’t know if they do it for alzheimer, but my doctor sent me for genetic counseling because of family history of cancer. they told me it would be better if my sister did it than me, but since neither of us are reproducing we both decided not to do it.

      maybe check if your insurance covers it?

    7. zaracat*

      One thing to be wary of is whether identifying a genetic risk factor will affect future insurance, because you may then be classed as having a pre-existing condition. Also, it’s pretty common for unexpected results to come up eg your dad turns out not to be your bio dad, or you have previously unknown siblings. Pre-test counselling is an important aspect of medically based testing, but even if just for fun, important to think about what you will do if something shocking comes out.

      1. Squeakrad*

        The laws that were passed in 2008 made it illegal for health insurance to consider results of genetic test of pre-existing condition. However you still can be rejected for other insurances like disability or long-term care.

        1. I'm A Little Teapot*

          Laws can change. It’s a legitimate concern I think. Especially since the science of interpreting genetic data is still in its infancy.

    8. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      If you do have the gene that makes you more likely to get Alzheimer’s (which is not very treatable as of now), what are you going to do with that information? Not have kids? Try to retire early? Work on other dementia risk factors like cholesterol and taking a baby aspirin? More information isn’t always better if you can’t do anything about it.

      1. Kali*

        I have considered this, but I specifically asked about other people’s experiences not for advice. That’s because I prefer to get more information and then make up my own mind, and I also prefer not to share much more than I already have, which discussing this in-depth would require.

    9. ThursdayNext*

      As someone with an advanced degree in genetics, I would never use 23andMe (or another commercial service) to learn about a health condition; there’s a reason they cost what they cost.
      You mention one Alzheimer’s related gene that you’re worried about, but we definitely don’t know all the genetic risk factors for Alzheimer’s. Does 23andMe test for every known Alzehimer’s related gene? Or every known variant in every Alzheimer’s associated gene? [Probably not, 23andMe only tests for the 3 most well studied Brca1/2 variants when there are many more.] If you’re very concerned about hereditary genetic risk factor for a disease you’d end up talking to a genetic counselor, or getting a more comprehensive genetic test done no matter what: you’d need to confirm 23andMe results via another method, or you’d need to get more information about genes/SNPs not tested by 23andMe.

      1. Kali*

        I know 23andMe doesn’t test for everything, which is why I said I’d prefer to have my genome fully sequenced. That isn’t an option right now.

        In the UK – where I am – it is possible to be referred to genetic counselling on the NHS for some conditions. Pursuing this through my grandfather’s care would require increased contact with my family, which is very low down on my list of preferred options. Having more information, even from a commercial test, gives me something I can discuss with my GP without going down that route and also gives me more information, more quickly, than any other option available to me right now. I do also have a genetics degree, so I know enough to look beyond what 23andMe say my results predict and look at what they actually checked and then look at specific papers myself to figure out what that’s likely to mean and what it doesn’t mean.

        I shared more information because you’ve expressed concern but I specifically asked for other people’s experiences rather than advice because this isn’t something I want to go into any more than I already have. Without my sharing more information, people can’t offer appropriate advice because there are too many factors they’re unaware of. In the comments above, for example, there are multiple suggestions regarding future insurance which just don’t apply because I’m not American. They’re well meant, but they’re unhelpful because I didn’t share more information. I didn’t ask for advice *because* I’m unwilling to share more than I already have.

        1. ThursdayNext*

          I know we’re well into Monday so maybe you won’t see this, but I don’t think you responded to my point – 23andMe can’t tell you about mutations they don’t test for and all the lit review in the world won’t help you with that. Any putative positive results will need to be followed up with by more extensive testing, especially since you say that you and your fiance want to check if you carry any of the same recessive SNPs. If the only Alzheimer’s related gene that 23andMe tests for is ae04, you not having a mutation where they check for in ae04 doesn’t really give you any more information about your Alzehimer’s risk (since Alzehimer’s is a complex disease likely caused by a complex combination of environment and mutations in multiple genes), besides what you know, which is that it seems to run in your family.
          I get that you don’t want to share all personal information but this is an American based website so most people will assume that you are in America.

  16. Jay*

    Happy Weekend everyone!
    A little question for the Forum Regulars:
    My folks adopted a pair of rescue dogs a little while back.
    Everything is going well except one thing:
    They are having trouble getting the dogs to eat.
    They’ve taken them to a couple of vets.
    They’ve spent entire WEEKS going around to literally every single store that sells dogfood of any kind, covering hundreds of miles, to try to find new brands the dogs might like.
    My Mom, the single finest cook I have ever known, has made them elaborate homemade meals that are better than what most people will get at a restaurant.
    Nothing seems to work.
    They remain underweight.
    Anyone have any tips to get a finicky dog to eat?

    1. Lady Whistledown*

      It may seem counterintuitive and even a bit harsh, but when we had a similar situation (I bought so many brands of food and was adding peanut butter or eggs to meats to his meals), after confirming with the veterinarian that there were no underlying health issues, we followed the advice of our trainer to offer food twice a day for 15 minutes.

      Morning: Bowl of food is offered for 15 minutes and then picked up
      Dinner: Bowl of food is offered for 15 minutes and then picked up

      He lasted for three (3!) agonizing days and then he started eating when offered. Both the vet and trainer had said that if he went to day 4, we would’ve needed to bring him back in for a new exam.

      Water was fully available at all times.

      If that would break your mom’s heart (goodness knows I felt like a monster!), the only other thing that has worked for my dog is having mealtime with other dogs. It taps into his instinct to eat quickly even if they’re not looking at his food. Might not be happening if you already have two rescues who won’t eat but just sharing my experience. Good luck!

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Are they showing interest in the food at all, or just ignoring it completely? We identified my dog’s cancer (in the back of her mouth) by looking further into the fact that she was really interested in food, but physically couldn’t eat it without pain, so she got real interested and then wandered away. (Not to suggest that your folks’ dogs somehow both developed a rare cancer at the same time, but what I’m getting at is, more specifics about what behaviors the dogs are doing when offered foods might help with suggestions.)

      Are they showing interest in ANY kind of food? Begging behaviors from people eating people food, interest in treats, anything like that that isn’t specifically THEIR food?

      What kind of bowl are they being fed in? Have your folks tried different options there? My dog at one point decided she just wasn’t eating out of a bowl anymore, she wanted a plate. (As far as I could tell, anyway. She stopped turning up her nose at food if I dumped it out of the bowl onto a plastic plate.) If they’re tall dogs, they might need an elevated food bowl for comfort.

      It’s strange that they’re BOTH refusing food – that’s the thing that stands out to me, and makes me think it’s less likely to be a medical issue. Have they checked with the rescue to see if this was an issue there as well?

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        On doggy weirdness: This morning, her breakfast was a few beef meatballs and a leftover cheeseburger patty. (She’s on hospice, the vet literally says she can eat whatever she will eat because getting calories into her is more important than worrying about what those calories are, I do not recommend feeding most dogs people food for breakfast, none of it has seasonings in, etc, anyway.) Part of the issue with her cancer is that she has lost some mouth mobility, so usually I feed her breakfast by hand. This morning she wouldn’t take the meatballs from my hand at all, but she scarfed them when I offered her the whole plate, but taking the cheeseburger bits from my hand was just fine, and she wouldn’t try to take them off the plate at all. Who knows. Sometimes dogs are just weird :)

    3. Meh*

      My weirdo senior dog has decided that bowls are evil and went for days without eating. After trying so many things I discover cloth napkins will work. The food doesn’t make noise on it, she doesn’t have to stick her face into a scary bowl.

      When she gets picky I will sprinkle a bit of cheese or chopped chicken to get her appetite going.

      Do their collars clang against the bowls – that scares mine.

      1. Lizzie*

        So their teeth are definitely okay, no sore mouths? Are there any strong smelling plastics or insecticides or air fresheners or bleach smelling floor cleaners anywhere near their food area? Maybe they were used to having food tipped onto cement or grass, or even to waiting until they were given a command word before they could eat. When they do eat a little, are you near them or far away? I wonder if they were always stroked while eating, or alternatively given a lot of space. Do let us know how things go with them!
        There is a special vet pet food you can get that is used for animals who have had head traumas or anaesthetics or whose sense of smell and hunger has been affected by illness. It is a short term fix – loaded with nutrients and flavours- just to get things started again. Good luck, I hope it resolves very quickly.

    4. Anonymato*

      Our dog hated bowls made out of metal.

      Curious: Do they eat treats and chew bones? Or just really nothing?

      To make things more palatable, we also had success with pouring some olive oil or liquid (our pet store had stew for dogs) and actually using raw diet. But our dog had strange tastes anyway, since while she would not not eat some dog food, god forbid we dropped a string bean, piece of kale or an apple ;-)

      If they don’t eat right away, you can also try to actually put a bit of the food directly in their mouth – sometimes only then they realize “it’s not so bad”.

    5. MissB*

      Lots of good suggestions already.

      Do they get treats? If they’re getting treats, then those should stop and at the very least, consider using their kibble for treats. But I’d consider removing treats altogether until a meal is eaten regularly.

      My dogs only eat once a day. We don’t free feed. They don’t want breakfast. They do get a treat randomly during the day, and they’re not stalking their food bowls for food. They do know when dinner is. One of them is a 9-month old puppy, and he’s just completely uninterested in two meals. I’ve offered so many times but he’s just not into it.

      Both dogs are active and not overly lean.

      I’d add some chicken or beef broth to the dry kibble to see if that entices the pup. Heck, if even go wit a dribble of bacon grease.

    6. Pug Mom*

      My sister has a dog who is a rescue. She will not eat unless someone kisses her in the snout and lovingly tells her that it’s okay to eat. That is literally the only way she will take in food. I think my sister discovered this out of desperation. Now, 10 + years later this is the routine. Even if she has to drop her dog off at a kennel for a few days when she goes out of town — this is the only thing that will get her dog to eat.

      1. Teatime is Goodtime*

        My rescue, former-street cat has a version of this. She needs to be petted before she will eat, which I have never seen with any cat I have ever known. She’ll eat eventually by herself if literally no one is home for long enough, but if someone is home she’ll be stressed and go bananas yowling and crying until someone comes and pets her for at least 15 seconds (often longer if she’s not desperately hungry).

        1. Girasol*

          Ours often wanted someone to stand beside him. My husband thought he wanted someone to guard his back while he had his head in his bowl.

    7. Dog and cat fosterer*

      Are they truly underweight? I hate saying that because food is such a sensitive topic, but there are *so many* people who think that a dog of healthy weight (able to easily feel the ribs but not see them) is underweight. Their dog “won’t eat”, except that it’s a good weight and is eating a healthy number of calories. The guide on bags of food is often not accurate, and I end up having to feed more or less depending on whether they gain or lose weight. It may be that these two dogs are the exception, and if so then sorry for having to mention it.

      I would suggest the same as Lady Whistledown, to give food 2-3 times a day for limited times.

      I have been lucky as my dog’s instinct is to love food and the competitiveness affects my fosters. I had one who was very picky but he sped up with a drooling audience.

      1. RagingADHD*

        I should think that after multiple trips to different vets, at least one vet would have said “hey, they’re not actually underweight” if that were the case.

        They are not relying on the food bag for reference.

    8. Qwerty*

      You may have tried this already, but adding warm beef broth to the dish was the only way my sister could get her rescue dog to eat for the first month or so. Heating up the broth got the meat smell into the air and then the dog would investigate and end up eating a bit or two of kibble.

      Does the dog like peanut butter at all? If he does not show interest when offered it, maybe put a little peanut butter on him near his mouth – should start the tongue automatically licking and activate “eating mode”.

    9. Wishing You Well*

      Warming the dog food to make it smell more might work. It did for us.
      Best of luck to your folks.

    10. Pay No Attention To The Man Behind The Curtain*

      Try eating with them (your own food of course) instead of feeding them in a separate location/time. Seeing “the pack” eat might make them feel more secure. I did this with my parents rescue dog for a bit until he felt more secure about his food location and raised feeding dishes. I would just take my own food close to his and we’d eat together.

      1. KR*

        This helps my senior boy. When he wasn’t feeling too well, I would sit on the ground with him while he (slowly) ate. Otherwise he would wander off and follow me wherever I was going in the house. I think it made him feel better to know I was watching out for him while he ate.

    11. Anony vas Normandy*

      What kind of bowls do you use? My mother has had metal bowls for all of her dogs; a new rescue ate for a few days and then began refusing. After lots of experimenting, she had the dog tested for allergies and discovered that she’s allergic to various metals. The solution was as simple as switching to a ceramic bowl.

    12. Jay*

      Good afternoon, everyone, and thank you for all the replies!
      A little bit of an update and an answer to a few questions:
      Firstly, I shared the link to this website with my parents so they could read the replies for themselves and plan to take several pieces of advice you folks gave.
      Secondly, some additional information about the dogs’ behavior that I didn’t know at the time.
      1) Bella, the female, will eat a bit, every day. She is a little under weight, but not worryingly so.
      2) Cody, the male, will only eat late at night, completely alone, in total darkness. He is the one they are really worried about. He is, as they put it, skin and bones.
      3) They have tried every type of food dish imaginable. Plastic, metal, paper, even using their own dishes. Nothing changes.
      4) The dogs will beg for food when they see my parents eat. They will not, however, actually eat the food if given it.
      5) They are given treats, but will only eat one or two types.
      6) They will use plastic dog chews. Cody the male, especially, will destroy them in record time. So his teeth and mouth seem to be in good working order.
      7) They have recently developed severe aggression issues toward other dogs. Cody has gotten bad enough that they are forced to have him wear a muzzle when they go on walks. He is tiny and frail and keeps trying to attack huge neighborhood dogs who could literally eat him in one bite.
      8) Bella, the female, was pregnant when they adopted her. No one told them this and she was so skinny from malnutrition that you could not tell by looking. She gave birth to two healthy pups (the father is unknown, but we suspect a larger breed dog, judging by the size of the larger of the two pups) who were adopted by my brother and his family as soon as they were weaned. My parents puppy sit for them regularly. Bella and Cody have become increasingly aggressive to the puppies, to the point where they cannot be allowed in the same room.

      Thank you again for all your advice!

      1. Super Anon For This One*

        This is super super late, but: try putting gravy over the food (it just smells super yummy to them I think), and also of all stupid weird things: Accent.

        Like, the flavoring you’d put on human food.

        We had a dog that would wait until we sprinkled Accent on his food to eat.

  17. Myrin*

    I would love some tips on how to, if at all, deal with my father’s girlfriend’s attempts to reach out to me and my sister.

    My parents separated in 2007 when I was 16 and my sister was 11. We have subsequently become estranged from our father, mostly because the divorce made it even more obvious that he cares very little for us; that works perfectly because both of us also care very little for him. Without going into too much detail, it’s a situation where neither side would be completely unaffected (emotionally, I mean) if the other died suddenly but ultimately it would change basically nothing about our lives. We have lunch twice a year – once for Christmas/New Year’s, once for my sister and my birthdays which are only one week apart – and might see each other twice or thrice outside of that or not at all.

    The thing is that this works very well for us. I’ve never had a good relationship with my father and my sister has been actively afraid of him a lot of the time growing up and sees him as the core reason for why she became so susceptible to abuse as a teenager. He will sometimes lament how we never reach out to him or keep him in the loop, never once mentioning that he doesn’t reach out, either, and so far I’ve managed to stop myself from saying “Well, clearly you have no interest in us and we have no interest in you, either, so it all works out, doesn’t it?”; I am technically willing to say this but I won’t if I don’t have to because it’s just gonna come with artificial Drama™.

    The problem is that my father has an absolutely lovely girlfriend, Maria. They’ve been together since 2011 but only moved in together in late 2019. My sister, who’s always been somewhat closer to our father even after the divorce and who also saw Maria somewhat regularly by virtue of working at a supermarket close to where Maria lived, has had a good relationship with her all throughout these ten years. I met her on my father’s 50th birthday party in 2012 and only really met her and had a conversation with her during the Christmas lunch in 2019, and really only because she now lived with my father.

    Like I said, she’s lovely. Friendly, warm, generous, supportive, actually – and somewhat weirdly, in my case – cares about us, all that nice stuff. And as a consequence, she contacts me from time to time, wanting to know how we’re doing, saying she’s looking forward to seeing us again sometime, even sending a little birthday present to our mum (!).
    It doesn’t happen often – I just looked through my phone to see if there’s any pattern and I think if you calculated the average, it would be about once every three months but in actuality it’s more or less random.

    And the thing is – and I feel like such an arsehole for saying this – that I don’t actually want her to reach out. I don’t want to have contact with anything regarding my father beyond these two-and-maybe-two-more situations where we see each other. I’m really not someone who gets unbalanced easily but whenever I see a text from her, it’s immediately the most stressful thing I’ve dealt with all week. I usually take my time to answer and then give a very bland response and she never presses or asks for more than that but I still feel so nasty while doing it because she hasn’t done anything wrong at all and it’s not fair of me to be that annoyed with her sparse attempts at connecting but I don’t want to deal with it, either.
    I would feel incredibly mean saying any of that to her outright. I’m sure she would respect it but she would most certainly be hurt and I don’t want to hurt her.

    So, after this very long explanation, my question: Do I just continue as I’ve been doing, making it not particularly rewarding for her to contact me and keeping it friendly but superficial? Should I try to privately have a conversation about the whole topic with her the next time we see each other? Anything else I’ve possibly not been thinking about at all so far?

    1. Asenath*

      I’d continue being kind but superficial, and work on reminding yourself that the texts are from her, the woman you like and don’t want to hurt, and not from your father, to help you get over your bad nerves when you see them. I’m basing this on nothing more than my own personal experiences wanting to keep in touch with people I don’t (for other reasons) want closer contact with. It’s possible to keep a relationship going without it developing much (at least for a while), and although it’s more likely than a closer relationship to just wither away slowly, it sounds like, as much as you like her, that outcome wouldn’t distress you much.

      1. Myrin*

        Yeah, that’s what I’d been leaning towards as well. Thank you for articulating some of the thoughts I’d been having as well so clearly!

        1. Joan Rivers*

          What I’ve heard before, from therapists, is, “What does that little girl you used to be feel about this?” If you wanted to deal w/it you could go there, pick an age you think is relevant, and ask her.
          But that’s therapy work and if you don’t want to you don’t have to. I’m neutral about you feeling neutral about him.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      With the caveat that I know this is a thousand times easier to say than to do — I think I personally would block her texts and just call it a day. If she brought it up during one of those twice a year lunches, “Oh, huh, sorry, must’ve missed that, I’ve been busy shaving my goldfish” or whatever. But you aren’t particularly fussed what she or your father think of you, and getting her messages stress you out, so — stop getting her messages.

      I did functionally this with my housemate’s girlfriend – when they first started dating, I’d friended her on Facebook, and then over the next couple months concluded that I really don’t like her at all, in part because she sent me some really weird messages, but also we just have amazingly incompatible personalities. So I unfriended and blocked her, and for the most part I ignore her when she comes over to spend time with him. (And he helpfully keeps her down in his basement and out of my way.) I don’t know if she ever said anything to him about it, but she’s never said anything to ME about it, so as far as I’m concerned it’s worked fine.

    3. Lady Whistledown*

      Me! Me! Pick Me!

      Cheeky opener aside, I know the exact feeling you’re describing. That gut twisting, the emotionally roiling, the anger followed by guilty confusion.

      For me, it’s my husband’s Dad. This guy had enough money to buy a boat, drive to Florida to pick it up, realize his car couldn’t tow it, *buy a new car* and drive back, but didn’t have a penny for his son’s after school activities, hobbies, or college. Cheated on his mom constantly, up to and including taking my husband *to their houses* for his visits and leaving him in the car to wait for him to finish.

      He complains to his mom (Grandma) that they’re not close and my husband doesn’t call enough. So we get lectures on how he’s a good dad even though he didn’t go to my husband’s sporting events often enough. Um, what?!?

      Cue the girlfriend (former mistress) who, dang it, is perfectly polite and friendly and thoughtful, especially to our son. She reaches out to to me for information and updates and it feels like I can’t be the jerk who doesn’t reply. It has taken years of research into dysfunctional families plus a good chunk of therapy but I finally had an epiphany that you don’t actually need a GoodEnoughReason(TM) for not wanting to interact with people who cause you pain. Literally no one can be at fault and it’s still ok to pull back! So, I blocked her. I know that sounds extreme but I refused to be a conduit for anyone to keep hurting my husband. If she’s collateral damage, then that’s sad but there’s no glory in setting yourself on fire to keep harmful people warm.

      We don’t intend to see them in person again, but if we do, I have practiced my own speech that it just wasn’t working for me anymore plus subject change. If they keep pressing the matter, repeat and subject change. If they won’t drop it, it’s time to leave.

      I’m sorry you’re going through this and I hope others are able to share their experience as well. It’s a tough (and largely invisible!) struggle.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        It grabs me, OP, that you don’t want to hurt her and in the process of doing so you are putting yourself through some real hoops.

        I love the expression I see here sometimes, “Don’t set yourself on fire so others can stay warm.”

        Perhaps you can work around to being able to say, “Jane, you are truly a lovely person and I have enjoyed meeting you. However, my relationship with my father is what you see and I have very little desire to change things. I am satisfied with how things are now with me and my father and I’d prefer to maintain that status quo.”

        Notice no justifying, no explanations just, “This is where things are at and where they will stay.” You don’t need to do a longer conversation because you have decided this is how you will handle things with your father.

        Sometimes nice people have to have learning experiences also. I have seen nice GFs push their SO back into a relationship and it did not go well. Okay, it was a meltdown. Nice people can make bad calls. It happens. Remember if she was a mean person you would not be typing here- you would just be able to walk away.

        1. There’s probably a cat meme to describe it*

          Some people cannot help themselves from getting involved in other family members’ relationships and trying to “fix” issues that they don’t truly understand and that aren’t any of their business. Often those people think they’re Nice and doing the Right Thing, but their meddling just makes things worse.
          My mother is notorious for it. Thought it’d be Nice for my uncle to mend fences with my grandmother before she died so she guilted him into going to see her. Undid years of his therapy, destroyed his trust in her and completely destroyed their own relationship. You think she’d learn, but no. Just born to meddle.

          2. RebelwithMouseyHair*

            that was my ex-SIL too. I had a great relationship with my brother until she came along. Then he stopped coming to see me, and started having weird overreactions to things. She would make him call me and “chat”, except I hate telephone conversations and so does he, so it was excruciating.

    4. zaracat*

      I’ll start off by saying that I don’t think there’s an objectively “right” answer to this. But if people offer several different opinions, maybe one will feel more right then others.

      My opinion – I think your instinct is right that Maria will feel hurt if you try to explain more, and that keeping things friendly but superficial is the way to go. I am also estranged from my father, and one thing I’ve noticed is that I find it difficult to be friends with his friends, despite shared interests, because their experience of him is so different from mine. It sounds like Maria could have been a great friend if you’d met under other circumstances, but the truth is that people can be individually really nice but still make each other miserable.

    5. allathian*

      It’s true that she’s done nothing wrong to you, but it’s perfectly understandable that you aren’t interested in a closer relationship with her, for the simple reason that she has what it sounds like you never had, your father’s affection. Does it sound like that could be the reason why her texts are so painful for you? If she’s truly as empathetic as you make it sound like, she would probably be mortified to learn that her messages hurt you. But she can’t know that unless you tell her.

      1. Myrin*

        Does it sound like that could be the reason why her texts are so painful for you?

        Definitely not.
        I fear I might not’ve expressed myself clearly on that point (I wrote that whole comment in one sitting and only skimmed over it once afterwards) but I don’t feel hurt by her texts at all, just annoyed in the sense of “Gosh, can’t things just stay the way that they are?”.
        I honestly don’t care for my father’s affection (I know that sounds like denial but it’s simply true. I don’t… feel particularly strongly, just in general – my sister often jokes that I’m an emotional ice block and honestly she isn’t wrong a lot of the time) but I can see how it could look like my reactions might come from that!

        1. Chilipepper Attitude*

          Given what you say, if it were me, I would block her or send all her texts to a folder and then only look at them when I was ready to. Like once every few months. Then I could control when I see them and not be surprised/annoyed, respond if I wanted to (oh, just saw this for some reason, yada yada), or continue to ignore if I wanted to.

          In case she ever said anything directly, I also think I would practice a response like, “Thanks for reaching out all the time, I find I don’t really want to connect that much, I am happy with things the way they are, like lunches a couple of times a year. Can we let things stay like that?”

          Best to you in navigating all this!

          1. Wishing You Well*

            I think this is perfect for this situation. Don’t allow her texts to hit you at random.
            Maybe she’s truly nice; maybe she’s a cat’s paw for your dad. Either way, she’s harming you.
            Any explaining you might do will be told to your father. Don’t explain. That would just invite more contact. Her first loyalty is to your father. Do what you need to do for you.
            Internet hugs, if you want them.

        2. allathian*

          Thanks for clarifying, although I’m a bit puzzled as to why you’re worried about hurting her by telling her that her texts are unwelcome?

          I think the simplest thing to do would be to block her texts without telling her about it. If she says something directly, you could say something like Chilipepper Attitude suggests below: “I’m happy with things the way they are, like lunches a couple of times a year. Can we let things stay like that?” I wouldn’t thank her for reaching out, though, because you’d really prefer her not to.

    6. There’s probably a cat meme to describe it*

      Urgh, the guilt trip is real when someone’s being so kind and eager to establish a relationship with you. She’s lovely so it probably feels really unfair to tar her with the same brush as your father, but the fact is they come as a package deal and you’re allowed to nope on out guilt-free when you don’t want the strings attached.

      If you’re on iOS, you can hide alerts for her messages? They’ll still show as a new message in your list, but at least you won’t get the notification intruding into your day and causing you stress.

    7. Bobina*

      I’m on team have a private conversation with her. It doesnt need to be super deep, but a light: “I know you mean well, and you’re a perfectly lovely person, but I’d rather you didnt keep in touch with me because as you know, I dont have a good relationship with my Dad and this is more stress than I need” might be worth it – for your peace of mind and hers.

      Maybe because she has a better relationship with your sister she wants to make sure you arent feeling left out or also wants to cultivate one with you, and I’m a big fan of whenever possible, trying to use your words to communicate if you can.

    8. Sandi*

      Maria may be lovely but she’s far from perfect. She is in a relationship with someone who hurt you badly, and doesn’t acknowledge it. My asshole father is in a relationship with someone quite nice, except that she once got upset that I don’t spend more time with my father. I see him at occasional family gatherings but otherwise avoid him because I’m tired of his constant attempts to be controlling. And when she was critical of me I realized that she’s as much part of the problem. It is different if you work for an asshole and say to your employees “I know he’s a jerk but it’s a good paycheck and I will keep you, the people on my team, at a distance from our big boss.” It feels very different when it is a parent. She isn’t acknowledging the problem and even if she did I don’t know if there is a good way other than to say that she welcomes your messages but will leave you alone otherwise.

      She is trying to make up for your father’s faults, and there is no reason that you need to be ok with that.

    9. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

      Do you know why exactly this is so stressful? Do you feel guilty, or like there is no way to get this right, or imposed on, or what? Maybe if you knew what was wrong it’d be easier to fix.

      A bit of light texting a handful of times a year actually sounds like a sensible relationship level to have with your semi-estranged dad’s nice girlfriend. Except for the whole “stresses Myrin out” bit, of course.

      If it helps, I’d bet a lot of her desire to be friendly with you is out of a feeling of responsibility as your dad’s girlfriend rather than deep desire for an actual relationship. Maybe she’d be delighted to be actual friends, but she’s probably ok keeping things cordial but distant.

      1. Myrin*

        This is… a truly fantastic comment. (To be expected of Elspeth McGillicuddy – I’ve always been thinking that of all the obscure pseudonyms on this site, there’s finally one I recognise!)

        You are completely right with your second paragraph and I actually feel the same way, which is why my annoyance doesn’t make sense to me. And that’s what it is, annoyance – I think I erred a bit in calling it “stressful”, even though it’s not 100% wrong; I’d like to think of myself as being fluent in English but it’s still my second language and I’ve found that especially expressions around emotions can be a bit hard to get right.

        I’ve been sitting here for a few minutes pondering your question (and semi-replacing “stressful” with “annoying”) and I’m pretty sure I got it: her texts feel to me like she doesn’t quite grasp the relationship I have with my father and wants to force something that isn’t there.
        Logically, I think I’m only half right in that; I feel like if she genuinely didn’t get it at all, she’d try to contact me much more often, so she must realise on some level that that’s not what we’re doing. But as it is, my mental reaction is always “Why? Why do you keep reaching out when I never do? Why do I have to have the same bland conversation every time you text me? Why don’t you UNDERSTAND?”. Which is also a bit unfair of me since I’ve never actually told her any of that but it’s the automatic reaction that happens inside my head.

        And you know what? I reckon you’re right with your last paragraph. I knew that in my head but somehow seeing it spelt out by a stranger makes it more real.

        Truly, a heartfelt Thank You for this comment, I really mean that. You’ve given me a lot to think about and helped me a great deal in getting the thoughts swirling in my head in order.

        1. sequined histories*

          Just to add on: lots of people who have an estranged or semi-estranged parent have a story to tell about a spouse or partner who actively impedes or obstructs access to the parent. She may be contacting you occasionally in part to signal that she’s a benign actor and not someone who’s going to create problems in the unlikely event that you do decide you want a closer relationship with him.

        2. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

          Oh good, I’m glad that helped, I was afraid I was being too harsh.

          Something else to consider-your poor relationship with your father doesn’t preclude, automatically, being friends with his girlfriend. There is no requirement for friendship either, of course, but if you did want to be closer you could do that too, and it wouldn’t mean you also have to be friends with your dad. For instance, my grandmother kept up a correspondence and friendship with her ex-mother-in-law for years after the divorce, until her ex-mother-in-law’s death. Your relationship with Maria is a separate relationship than that with your father. And that also means that when Maria wants to be cordial with you, she’s not necessarily asking you to make up with your father. (Some women would be, but that doesn’t sound like how you’ve described her.) She’s just asking you for herself, and you can take it or leave it how you want.

          1. Seconding*

            This. Now that they’ve been divorced for over a decade, I’m good friends with my father’s second wife. She is no longer encouraging me to contact him. We couldn’t really be friends until she could let that go. I’m glad she could, she’s pretty terrific.

    10. Memories*

      I am equating this to how I managed my relationships with/felt about the girlfriends of an ex-friend. CW: Narcissism

      Once the scales dropped from my eyes and I realized he was a narcissist (ironically, just as he severed all ties with me in both a textbook and drama tropey way, when I refused to do something for him and I was therefore no longer of any use to him, apparently negating years of what I thought was actual friendship)—I kept a healthy double step back from his girlfriends that were also in my sphere in some way or other. Work colleague? Polite but distant. Person who seems absolutely lovely? Not available.

      Because to me, however decent these people were, they were also contaminated with him much the way I was. Not only did I not want to be anywhere near him, but they wouldn’t believe me if I told them who he really was. Narcissists are experts at appearing like real and charming people instead of the hollow shells they are. I wouldn’t have believed it at the time because he was that good at it.

      So afterward, I told myself that when the time came for him to do his kick-out-and-move-on, or they kicked free of their own accord, then I could reach out or otherwise accept them into my sphere if I wanted to.

      All this to say that genuinely nice people are everywhere, but it doesn’t always mean they have to be in your everywhere at all times and phases.

    11. Myrin*

      Guys, thank you all SO MUCH for your incredible, varied, and nuanced answers! You’ve all given me some food for thought as well as encouragement and a few reality checks, and I’ll definitely be coming back to this thread in the future if I’m not seeing clearly. Again, thank you!

      1. Sandi*

        My comment wasn’t posted so I’ll add a short version here:
        She isn’t fundamentally nice if she doesn’t understand how difficult the relationship is between you and your father.

        1. ThatGirl*

          Well, we don’t know that she doesn’t. She may get it but still think Myrin is lovely and want to maintain a cordial relationship. And she can’t possibly know what’s going on in Myrin’s head if they haven’t talked about it.

    12. Not A Manager*

      If her messages stress you out, that’s sufficient reason to protect yourself from them. You don’t need a “good reason” for the stress, and you don’t need to talk yourself out of your actual response.

      I’m not sure how texting works, but in email you can send someone’s mail to a special folder that you only check when you choose to. If there’s a way to not get the notifications for her texts but still preserve them, then you could check them when you feel up to it, say every few months, and if you want to respond blandly to an old text (“sorry, didn’t see this when it came in!”) you can do that. Or you can block her even if that means not ever getting those texts, and just apologize if she asks about it (“gosh, those texts never made it through!”).

      The other option is to give her a brief heads-up. I know you’re concerned about it starting drama, but I wonder if you can signal without giving a lot of details. What if you took a reallllllllllly long time to respond to her next text, and then say something like, “sorry, I’m just so bad about texting maybe it’s better just to chat when we see each other in person.” You probably won’t need to say it twice, but if she keeps texting I’d just do it again. Wait for a long time, then say, “there I go again! Look forward to chatting next time I see you!” Don’t respond to the substance of the text at all. They’ll probably dry up.

    13. Dark Macadamia*

      Big emotional conversations are for people you’re close with and want to stay that way, so don’t go this route. Can you mute her texts? That way you still receive them, but there’s no sound or pop-up when they arrive so you only check them when you’re prepared to do so (and you still don’t have to respond).

      Keep in mind she knows how often they see you, and has heard some version of why from your dad. She’s not going to be shocked or confused that you two aren’t close, so as long as she’s not pushing to “fix” the family I’d focus on managing your own side of things in a way that’s right for you.

    15. Esmeralda*

      Well, either you are going to hurt or she is. There’s no way around it.

      And also, you’re not saying you don’t like HER. You’re saying, because of your dad, hearing from her is painful.

      You need to take care of yourself. It’s your dad’s fault that you can’t get nice messages from a lovely caring person. (And maybe I am too mean, but I would wonder, why is she with such a terrible person)

    16. I'm A Little Teapot*

      My family’s version of dysfunction… Dad’s side is messed up. Nothing really terrible, but nothing dad ever did was good enough, and it also stuck to the next generation a bit. One of my cousins got married to a very nice woman for whom family is very important. She really tried to pull my sister and I back into the family fold. Nothing truly objectionable, but she was coming from a viewpoint of “family matters no matter what”, while my sister and I are coming from the view of “this family is messed up, we will take the brunt of it if we engage, and we opt out”.

      I think with time she has come to understand why we have opted out, at least some. She’s backed off. The lack of interest from us has helped.

    17. Zinnia*

      I encourage you to block her texts. When you set boundaries to protect yourself, it is not your responsibility to manage the feelings of other people.

      If her feelings are hurt she will cope. You are not obligated to accept unwanted contact because you think she is well-intentioned.

  18. RRR*

    I am now regularly wearing a N95 mask (now widely available) and on top of that, a cloth mask.

    The problem is, my nose has become scraped and raw and has a scab. I would like for it to heal, but I also want to prevent further damage and this happening again.

    I am very bad at masking, so I get some help in the morning putting the masks on tightly and then they are on all day – roughly around 9 hours. I can’t take breaks because if I do, I wouldn’t be able to properly reaffix the masks. As it is, they don’t always stay in place as much/as tightly as I would really like.

    I’m sure there are people who have dealt with this before. Recommendations? Not wearing masks is not an option and for the immediate future, this is my reality.

    My nose is the one feature of my body that I like so I’d really like to heal and preserve it the best that I can.

    1. ThatGirl*

      Bandaid while it heals? Ideally you’d be able to go without anything for a few days to let it heal, but I understand that may not be possible. But getting it to heal is the first step, prevention is the second.

    2. Pickled Limes*

      For now, I agree with using an adhesive bandage under your masks while the scab heals. After that, to prevent it from happening again, I have two suggestions.

      The first is a blister prevention stick. You can get them in the first aid section of the grocery store/pharmacy/Target/wherever you generally shop. They’re designed to keep your shoes from giving you blisters, but I’ve been putting it on my nose before I put my mask on in the morning and it really does reduce the amount of friction and discomfort that comes from having a mask on all day.

      The second is Vaseline. When you take your mask off for the day, rub Vaseline on your nose. It’s a lot thicker than typical face moisturizing cream and it helps to heal cuts and scrapes faster than just about anything else I’ve tried. You may want to reapply it from time to time during your non-mask hours to make sure your skin is properly moisturized, just like you would with a lip balm.

    3. the cat's ass*

      I’ve been using a cloth mask with very a soft cotton lining and and n95 filter between the layers, because i had the same problem with the paper masks-they killed my skin and i had an open sore on my nose. they have beads to adjust the mask elastic on the sides and i’ve found them to be the easiest masks to wear despite getting tangled with my hearing aids, and my eyeglasses when i take them of to have lunch or a sip of water.( I’m completely forgoing earrings for the time being). Bacitracin ointment and leaving it open to air when i was at home and the switch over to the hybrid mask really helped. I got them on Etsy, and it was $ well spent. Hope that helps!

    4. slickyglizard*

      To prevent skin damage under your mask, try using kinesiology tape (athletic tape)–brands: Kinesio tape, KT tape, also generics–wherever the mask has been wearing down your skin. Any kind of medical tape would probably also help, especially the kinds for sensitive skin.

    5. Might Be Spam*

      If bandaid placement is awkward, use a liquid bandage. It’s clear and not very noticeable when you take off the mask.
      Small bottles of liquid bandage/liquid skin last for years and you only need a tiny amount.

    6. Mstr*

      Is it at all possible to reduce your use of masks … by changing your working conditions … or can you ask to be accommodated by having assistance in taking your mask off for lunch/water at least?

      Have you tried taping the mask down to avoid the friction of it slipping around?

    7. The teapots are on fire*

      What if you change brands of mask for a while? 3M makes one with a foam bridge that is a pretty soft mask, very different from the firm kind and may hit a different part of your nose. If you can get enough to wear daily, I’d also dispense with the cloth mask as it may just interfere with the electrostatic quality of the N95 that is part of its function.

    8. zaracat*

      I had this problem when I had to wear N95 masks at work in healthcare. The recommendations we were given was to use a narrow strip of a hydrocolloid dressing such as Duoderm on the bridge of your nose where the pressure area is – this can be left in place for several days until the skin heals, and then use as necessary. Not cheap, but you’ll get multiple strips from one dressing. Be cautious with using tape or bandaids on your face as the adhesives in many of these can cause contact allergies or are too strong and will cause more damage when you try to remove them.

      It’s also important to find which brand and size of N95 mask fits you best, as then you won’t have to have it excruciatingly tight to get a seal. 3M Aura is highly recommended to try, if you can get it.

    9. Lichenillium*

      Yikes. You should see a healthcare provider if you have a injury like this! This is not something to crowdsource on line. A LOT of the advice replying to your question is dangerous and could result in even more damage. It concerns me that this site continues to permit medical advice from laypersons.

      This may actually be a pressure injury. These do not always heal easily. You could end up with permanent scarring and/or hyperpigmentation. You need to work with a healthcare professional to both determine if this level of masking is necessary and, if so, how to heal and then prevent damage.

      Those of us who wear them for work have lots of tricks for *preventing* this – so sounds like this is your preference versus a professional requirement.

      1. Ask a Manager* Post author

        This site does not permit requests for medical advice (it’s explicitly in the commenting rules), but this doesn’t read like a request for medical advice to me.

        Also in the commenting rules:

        Know that I do not read and approve every single comment. The volume is far too high. So if you see a comment that seems problematic, please don’t do this: “I can’t believe this comment is allowed! Why has Alison approved this?!” Instead, assume I haven’t seen it and feel free to flag it and I’ll take a look (to do that, just include a link in your comment and it’ll go to moderation so I’ll see it).

    10. Bucky Barnes*

      I put a diaper rash ointment like Desitin on my face before wearing a mask. It lessens my skin irritation but please note I don’t wear an N95 or have the kind of irritation you do. It may help with general irritation though,

    11. HannahS*

      Is it properly fitted to you and fit tested? If you’re wearing the wrong size, that could mean that instead of sitting flush against your face, it’s moving throughout the day and rubbing, like a shoe that’s slightly too big instead of one that fits snugly.

    12. I'm A Little Teapot*

      I remember from the very beginning of the covid mess hearing that it was a pressure wound, which needs different treatment to heal/prevent. So look into that.

  19. Lifelong student*

    Question for crossword puzzle people-

    For a very long time, I have been doing the daily crossword puzzle from the Wall Street Journal. It has always been available without a subscription- and still is. However, for the past 10 days or so, in many squares, when I enter a letter , then move onward to the next square, the letter disappears. It doesn’t happen in all squares. This means I can’t complete words. Does anyone know if there have been changes in the puzzle availability, if there is a setting I can change, or if this is an issue with my browser? I can’t get an answer from WSJ since I don’t have an account with them. I also do the Washington Post puzzles on line- have not problem with them- but I do have a digital WaPo subscription.

    1. Jay*

      I do their Acrostic and really don’t like the interface. I can’t explain that, but I can offer an alternative! To avoid sending this into moderation with a link….do a search for the Crossword Fiend blog and click on “today’s puzzles.” They have the WSJ puzzles as .puz links which you can download and solve at your convenience using Across Lite software, which is free and easy to use.

      1. Meh*

        Ugh! Dang thread keeps updating.

        The app has several crosswords a day from various publications (including answers). Maybe the main reason I wouldn’t switch to ios…

    3. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

      Always first thing to try when the internet goes wonky-have you tried resetting your cookies?

  20. Destruida y cansada*

    I’d like to ask a question about boundaries and personal relationships.
    This relates to the death from alcoholism 2 days ago of my ex-partner, so I’ll put the question in the replies in case you want to just skip right over it.

    1. Destruida y cansada*

      Tl;dr: is it acceptable social etiquette to text somebody your condolences when you don’t want to speak to them on the phone because they have no boundaries and you’re dealing with your own grief?

      As I said my ex-partner died approximately 2 days ago from alcoholism. We stop dating about 7 years ago but we kept in touch until his drinking became too difficult and I stopped contact altogether.
      I knew that he was very unwell and getting worse over the years because we have a mutual friend and she would occasionally let me know.
      It’s been devastating and traumatic to discover the circumstances in which he died.
      One of the other reasons that we split up was because of his family. I found boundaries with them, esp his mother, extremely difficult, so when I stopped contact with him I stopped contact with his mom too.
      He did not deal with the no contact very well and would send me some quite nasty messages so in the end I had to change my number and block him from social media although he did still manage to get around that and apparently was reading my social media without my knowledge until I made that private.
      His mother has now asked our mutual friend why I haven’t contacted her? To be honest she’s not dealing with this well which is understandable but a large part of me also wants to keep myself safe from her as well.
      I’ve just sent a text saying that I cannot talk on the phone but I express my feelings that I still loved him and that I was thinking of them all. I guess what I’m asking is whether this is an acceptable way to send condolences?
      To give you an example: even though I did say I’m no good on the phone, as soon as I sent that text she rang me. The call has gone to voicemail.
      I’m really not sure how to navigate this while still dealing with my own grief and maintaining my own boundaries, and still be kind to a mother who’s just lost her son.
      Do you have any advice?

      1. Ana*

        I think you have done your best and don’t need to do anymore. Block the mother. Take care of yourself. *hugs from an Internet stranger (if you want them)*

      2. Asenath*

        I don’t think I’d have used text – a written note or card is impeccably formal and correct, and doesn’t encourage an immediate response in the same way a text or phone call would. Which sounds a little harsh, maybe, but sometimes formality is helpful in conveying sympathy without getting too involved, It would be different of course, if you had a different relationship, or any relationship, with your ex’s mother. I have no objection to allowing calls to go to voicemail, especially when you’re not in a state to handle the call. I did it myself once after a death, when I knew (because I’d been told to expect it) the call was from a relative organizing a small get-together after a family funeral with those of my relatives I least wanted to see right at that moment. I don’t think there was much pushback – maybe a comment a few days later that it was too bad they couldn’t reach me, and I said something non-committal like “MMM” and the conversation moved on.

        I am sorry for your loss.

      3. allathian*

        Block the mother. You broke up with her son 7 years ago! It sounds like you never really moved on from that relationship, given that you’re mourning his death. Sounds like the mother wanted you two back together or something. But now that your ex is dead, you can tell his mother that you never want to hear from her again. She’ll probably think you’re a cold *****, but if your goal is to get her out of your life, I could think of worse options. And while you’re at it, tell your mutual friend that you don’t want to hear what’s going on in your ex’s family anymore.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          hmm. If people die in unusual/harsh circumstances that can stand alone as a reason to grieve their passing.
          We don’t have to have feelings or residual stuff to feel badly about how someone passed or that they passed. Eh, sometimes we can just grieve the fact that they never pulled their lives together or never had a real shot at living life.

          1. Destruida y cansada*

            This is exactly it, NSNR. It’s just tragically sad. What a waste of a life. But he wouldn’t be helped! I’m grieving for the pain he must have been in – physical and mental – during his life, and I’m grieving for the loss of him as a person.

            1. Not So NewReader*

              Saying this almost through tears because had my own version: No life is ever wasted. Just because we don’t see the purpose is not the same as saying there was no purpose. We just don’t see the purpose ourselves that is all. And that is kind of a humbling thought, really.

              I am very sorry for his pain and for yours.

              1. Princess Deviant*

                That’s very beautiful. Thank you for saying this; it makes sense to me and gives me a small bit of peace.

          2. allathian*

            Yes, agreed. Destruida y cansada, I’d like to apologize for the harsh tone of my post above. I’m sorry for your loss and I hope you can mourn for him in your own way.

      4. Seeking Second Childhood*

        This sounds like a great excuse to fall back on traditional etiquette and send a sympathy card. (And because she’s already boundary challenged, know that etiquette does not require a return address. No charity donation, no flowers, so she does not need to reply.)

        1. Destruida y cansada*

          I did send a card when it happened, and I wish I had just left it at that! Thank you.

      5. RagingADHD*

        If you had asked before sending a text, I’d say don’t worry about texting because it will invite a return text or call, which you don’t want.

        I’d recommend a snail-mail note or card because it is more distant, and they can’t reply back right away, but also traditional and polite.

        But since it’s already sent, you’re fine. Dont worry about it. Text isn’t ideal, but under the circumstances there’s nothing wrong with it.

      6. Come On Eileen*

        Would you be open to send her a card and some flowers? You can say what you want to say in the card , she knows you’re thinking of her, and leave it at that. A nice way to express condolences with no voice or face contact.

      7. HannahS*

        It’s too late now–and I totally get that this didn’t occur to you–but I think a good solution would have been to send or drop off a condolence card, because then there’s no phone number and no address if you drop it off. It could look something like this (offering the script in case you want to send one but I think at this point you can just hold your boundary):
        Dear [mom and family],
        I wanted to write to let you know how sorry I was to hear about [ex-partner]. I loved him and really valued our time together. I’m thinking of you all in this difficult time and wishing you comfort.
        Best,
        Destruida y cansada
        ______

    2. Destruida y cansada*

      Thank you! I appreciate all your responses and the internet hug Ana :)
      On reflection I think I shouldn’t have texted, although I have also sent a card which won’t have arrived yet.
      I’m not going to respond further to the mom.
      I’ve asked Alison to remove this post because I think it’s very personal and maybe I shouldn’t have written it. Thanks again.

      1. ten four*

        I think it was fine to text, and I think it was lovely to send a card. I would definitely block the mom going forward. I’m sorry for your loss.

    3. Destruida y cansada*

      Thanks all. I have accidentally used my other name here, which I didn’t mean to, so it’s less anonymous but that is ok. I appreciate your thoughts. Obviously I have my own boundary issues to deal with, but I am getting better at holding them.
      I also feel a bit calmer today, possibly because the shock is wearing off and I can see a bit more clearly now my place in all of this and – without meaning to sound cruel – I don’t feel that I need to be dragged into the centre of all the drama with his family and my friend.

      1. allathian*

        It’s absolutely fine to protect your boundaries here. A big part of that is to realize that you neither sound nor are cruel to anyone when you say that you don’t want to be dragged into all the drama. I’m glad you’re feeling calmer.

  21. DressS Shopper*

    Those who have purchased eshakti dresses: I am looking at a navy knit dress. How heavy are the knits? (It will be fairly warm outside where I want to wear this, but the event will be inside with AC.) Do the knits look nice v cheap? Hints/tips/info welcome!

    1. RussianInTexas*

      I like their knits, but they are on a thicker side. Which makes them of good quality, but somewhat too warm for Texas summer, unless you are leaving on wearing them in a well air-conditioned office.
      Be aware that their cotton and poplin (non-knit) dresses have no stretch at all.

    2. Stitching Away*

      Depends what you mean by heavy?

      They are not so heavy that they drape weirdly, but definitely do not feel cheap. I adore their dresses, and will only get the knit ones at this point, I’ve tried other fabrics of theirs and have a strong preference for the knits. They look great, drape nicely, don’t show every little everything, etc.

      I wouldn’t call them too warm, either. I’ve gotten maxi dresses (sleeveless) from them and been comfortable outside in the summer.

      1. My Brain Is Exploding*

        Really just not inappropriately heavy for a hot fall day in Tucson where I’ll be in AC.

    3. Not Australian*

      I was *really* pleased with the quality of mine; I half-expected it to be cheap-looking and lightweight but it certainly wasn’t. Be aware that the zips can be set really tightly and maybe consider going up a size when you order. Also, they will bombard you with e-mails afterwards; not a big problem as they’re easy enough to ignore and I’m not annoyed enough to want to block them as the product is so good I am seriously thinking about going back for more.

    4. My Brain Is Exploding*

      Also….my 3 fave knit dresses ONLY come in navy. Why?? I wouldn’t mind a burgundy or eggplant. Who has tried different colors in the knits and how did you like them? In my experience sometimes with the same fabric she colors look cheap and some do not.

    5. Is it tea time yet?*

      I bought a knit dress from them to wear at the dress-up event at the end of summer music camp. It’s like a nice tee shirt knit (like tees were before that flimsy slub knit became a thing)- not heavy but knit tightly enough to hold up as a dress and not be see-through. The camp is in the southern Appalachian mountains where the evenings are usually cool, but no a/c, and there was a lot of dancing going on so everyone gets pretty warm. The dress was very comfortable for this. It washed well too. I was very pleased with the fit and style, and it doesn’t look cheap at all.

  22. Venus*

    How does your garden grow?

    I have been neglecting mine for the past week, as life just feels exhausting. Thankfully we can do that with gardens, as they are so much more independent than kids and pets! I was planning to spend time this weekend but there is a lot rain forecast, which is needed so I will be thankful for the water and not feel guilty for doing something indoors.

    Although I do have to collect the garlic scapes! That’s the priority.

    1. allathian*

      The wild strawberries in our garden have almost finished flowering and I’m hoping to taste the first ones in a week or two.

    2. Anonymath*

      The cucumbers are starting to be harvested and the hot peppers are finally changing color to red/orange so they can be picked. Okra was a dud so far this year, I may replant.

    3. Lizabeth*

      The bunnies or deer have eaten the tops off my dwarf sunflowers, the newly planted azeleas haven’t died, and the parsley and carrots are coming up. The day lilies I transplanted two years ago are finally blooming!

      The bunnies are now eating the ornamental grasses out front in addition to the boxwood – time for more stinky spray. It seems to work if I spray consistently.

      Living in the country has it’s challenges…

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        What stinky spray do you use? I asked about chipmunks last week and haven’t gotten anything yet, the little jerk dug up half my oxalis bulbs and gnawed the bloom off one of my hostas (and didn’t even eat it! Left it laying on the ground next to the plant! Destructive little snot.)

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          (Er, to clarify, I got lots of answers last week, and thanks to folks for that, but I haven’t specifically researched any of the suggestions or purchased anything yet. I don’t mean “I haven’t gotten anything yet” in terms of answers, just in terms of actual products.)

        2. Lizabeth*

          Liquid Fence Deer and Rabbit repellent – I bought a large bottle of the concentrate to mix myself because I use it that much.

    4. MinotJ*

      I pulled a tomato plant that was looking bad, and I can’t stop thinking about it! For background, I can’t even thin seedlings; it makes me too sad to kill my plants. But all my other tomatoes are big and robust and green and this one was dinky and curling and brown-spotted. So I yanked it and averted my eyes as I chucked it into the yard waste bin. I apologized to it aloud and the neighbors likely think I’m a nut.

      1. RagingADHD*

        It’s a good thing you did. That kind of stuff can be contagious to the other tomatoes.

    5. Llellayena*

      How long does it take for peppers to change colors!? I wrote last week that I have a bumper crop of lunchbox peppers that are supposed to be orange. They’ve been fully grown and dark green for over a week now! No hint of color change! Arg!

      1. Sungold*

        The small sweet peppers that I grow, Aura and Glow, are 53 days to green and 73 days to yellow or orange.

    6. Bobina*

      I’m a bit bummed, it looks like I might have let some of my grasses get too dry and it looks like they are dead? I mean, its grass so in my head they will probably come back next year (I hope) but was hoping to have some green lushness for a bit longer.

      The hosta continues to be attacked by slugs/snails. Really need to work on a better solution for that.

      But in more exciting news, the second attempt at growing heuchera from seed appears to have taken! I have some teeny tiny green leaves. Definitely curious how this plant survives in the wild because it seems so finicky trying to get it to germinate! So now lets see if they grow into anything meaningful :)

      Still waiting on some Begonia flowers, but the plants continue in their lushness. The cheap wildflower seeds are doing something, but nowehere near what I expected, so slightly disappointed. Next up is waiting for the crocosmias to flower!

      1. MissB*

        For the slugs, hit them with slug bait like sluggo in the fall, because that’s when they reproduce. In early spring before the hostas break the surface of the soil make sure you bait the area again.

      2. allathian*

        Grasses will usually recover well. I’m far enough north that we get snow every winter and the grass dies off. Some summers, maybe once every ten years or so, it’s dry enough that while there’s no official water rationing, most people let their grass die from drought. When it starts raining again, the grass will sprout again.

    7. Valancy Snaith*

      Question for gardeners! I have a number of tomato plants, all of which are doing well, but my Sweet Millions is getting very yellow at the bottom. I know this is usually a water issue, but we’re looking at a very soggy week here. Should I move it to somewhere the soil can dry out a bit? It’s in a pot. My other tomato plants are all thriving like crazy.

      1. Venus*

        Often people kill plants by overwatering because the water drowns / kills the roots and therefore the plant can’t absorb water and therefore it looks dry and it gets more water…
        It is hard to know what is happening with your plant, but if it is watered well then I would ensure it can drain properly.

    8. DistantAudacity*

      I just installed a solar powered self-watering system for my balcony! I’ve set it to drip for 15 mins every 24hrs.

      It was very easy to put in place, and requires no “connections” – no power cable, and no water tap (just a water container). The little water pump works perfectly well, and is quiet. The solar power works to charge the rechargeable batteries, not drive the water pump directly.

      The system is a Gardena Aquabloom, if anyone’s interested.

    9. Not Australian*

      Just about to harvest my first-ever crop of patio potatoes, which will be quite an adventure! Our garden’s in transition, so container plants are all I can manage at the moment, and I’m on a learning curve when it comes to growing veg – but the plants look really healthy and tomorrow, if the weather is suitable, we’ll be lifting the first ‘crop’.

    10. Not Australian*

      Just about to harvest my first-ever crop of patio potatoes, which will be quite an adventure! Our garden’s in transition, so container plants are all I can manage at the moment, and I’m on a learning curve when it comes to growing veg – but the plants look really healthy and tomorrow, if the weather is suitable, we’ll be lifting the first few.

    11. MissB*

      My tomato, squash and pepper plants are huge this year. Not a lot of spring rain plus unseasonably warm temperatures has resulted in strong growth. I’m out there bright and early to water.

      I checked my garlic this morning and it needs a few weeks still. Maybe less in this heat. But I’m not watering it daily now.

      I think I’ll be drowning in zucchini soon.

    12. Might Be Spam*

      As an experiment, I saved my green pepper plants from last year and they are having trouble with adapting to being outside again. They are finally growing new leaves and only one died.

      An iris got knocked over and broke off at ground level several weeks ago. I like the leaves so I stuck it in a glass of water and basically forgot about it. Well, I just looked at it and it is growing thick healthy roots. It’s going to be raining a lot this week so I’ll plant it back in the garden and hope for the best. The roots were a surprise because they have corms. Now I know how the corms start.

  23. LifeBeforeCorona*

    Saturday morning and it’s pouring rain for the day. My plans were to hit all the yard sales. Now I have no excuse not to clean. :( What is the weather like you where you are?

    1. Jay*

      We’ve had a few days of absolutely gorgeous spring weather – warm days, cool evenings, low humidity. Now it’s 8:45 AM, the temperature has exceeded Thursday’s high, and the humidity is back. Expecting thunderstorms later on and hope they hold off because we want to go kayaking!

    2. MinotJ*

      As opposite as possible! For an area that rarely gets above 90 in the summer, we’re about to have a weekend of 110+ heat. I got up super early to open the entire house and cool it down as much as possible before I close it up for the day and go to work. The entire west coast of the US would enjoy your weather so much right now.

      Sorry about the cleaning, though. Maybe you could accidentally fall asleep and nap through the cleaning hours?

      1. ronda*

        me too. record breaking heat. my relatives out of state are calling to check on me cause it is making national news :). only forecasted for 103 today… Sunday and Monday are 111 and 113 in forecast.

        And the bright bright sun is waking me up way too early.

    3. Teapot Translator*

      Grey, raining, humid, hot. :( I haven’t decided what I’ll do since I can’t go outside enjoy the sun.

    4. Generic Name*

      Yeah, supposed to rain all weekend here too. My husband is working on a side-job building a friend’s deck, and I have another friend coming over for a puppy play date. Both activities will come to an end when the rain starts, so we’re trying to take advantage of the clear weather while it lasts. Son and I might go to the indoor pool at some point.

    5. Nessun*

      This week is supposed to be a scorcher the likes of which we haven’t seen in 70 years. I’m not a fan of heat, I like living North enough that 25 is hot for summer, and now its gonna be over 30C all week, hitting possibly 38 on friday – before humidity. I’m planning to enjoy a lot of quiet, slow, staying at home with a fan on all week.

      1. allathian*

        Sounds a lot like my climate, although the hottest temperature ever recorded here was around 37 C…

    6. Tris Prior*

      Well, we just emerged from the basement after the second TAKE COVER NOW! tornado warning in a week….
      This is not normal for where I am (city of Chicago near the lakefront).

      (We are fine. But the backyard is underwater and I don’t have high hopes for the garden.)

      Supposedly we’ll have 4 inches of rain before this is all over? We had been in a drought, but, well, this is a bit much.

        1. Tris Prior*

          It actually drained off pretty quickly except in the street because our street sewers are crap. Garden seems fine, I applied eggshells and calcium-rich fertilizer to the tomatoes to hopefully stave off rot.
          Hope you are OK with no damage? Honestly, up here on the far north side, it was mostly just a LOT of rain. A little thunder. Didn’t seem violent unlike the other day.

          1. I'm A Little Teapot*

            Just lots of rain for me, and one small branch came down yesterday. I’m quite a bit south of you. All week, the worst of the storms have missed my area so I’m in pretty good shape overall. Glad you’re ok :)

    7. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Well, I’m on my 4th pair of socks, 3rd full outfit for the day, and there were 2 sets of tornado sirens.

      Everything is fine. I just kept getting very wet.

    8. allathian*

      We’ve had a week-long heatwave with highs up to 32 C/90 F. It’s hot for us. Thankfully the last few days have been a bit cooler, with highs of merely 27 C/81 F. I’m in a climate where houses are built to keep people warm in winter. We get at least a few days of -20 C/-4 F nearly every winter and the coldest temperatures I’ve experienced are around -35 C/-31 F, not counting windchill. Central AC is pretty uncommon, although more modern single-family homes do tend to have heat pumps to assist heating in winter and for cooling in summer. We have geothermal heating, but no cooling since we have underfloor heating. I’m glad we have an AC unit on wheels for the hottest days.

  24. The Dude Abides*

    I know that shipping takes a lot longer right now for reasons, but my current predicament has me pulling my hair out.

    I ordered something from Singapore. It shipped on 5/31, and on the SingPost end, it shows arriving in the US on 6/7. Since then, nothing.

    I filed an inquiry with USPS, but without a USPS tracking number, I have no idea where my item is.

    Anyone else been through this with international shipping?

    2. There’s probably a cat meme to describe it*

      Yes, I’m feeling you. Ordered something from Hong Kong in March, it was supposed to arrive in April, but it took until June for me to convince them there was legitimate problem and they’d have to re-ship. Just as well it’s not something I *need*!

    3. twocents*

      I’ve ordered some stuff from Singapore before, and my experience has been that the purchases tend to hang around in, idk, customs or something for at least a few weeks. A month is about average for it to actually get to my house from when the seller shipped it.

    4. anon24*

      I ordered something from Russia in April. The tracking stopped May 5th, when it was showing as sitting in Russia somewhere. After awhile I contacted the seller and they sent me a screenshot showing that it had in fact left for the US the 6th. Then nothing, and I more or less gave up on it until my tracking info suddenly updated that it was in New York in the middle of June and I finally got it last week. So yeah, stuff is taking forever right now.

    5. Seeking Second Childhood*

      The container shipping industry has made the news lately. One article talked about badly backlogged ports. Ships are being told to wait outside San Francisco’s Golden Gate until they have a specific dock to tie up at. US trade deficit is up because people are buying things not experiences. There have been pandemic related closures at shipping ports at the manufacturing side. And the Suez Canal Evergreen accident slowed things down as well.

    6. Queer Earthling*

      Due to my hobby I get a lot of international packages, and this is pretty typical! It’s almost absolutely stuck in customs, and there isn’t a lot to be done; I’ve found (anecdotally) that whenever I file a complaint with USPS or contact the seller, it somehow leaves customs within the week, but that’s definitely just coincidental.

      1. The Dude Abides*

        My purchase was hobby-related, and I’ve ordered from Canada before, but never across the globe. I did it in this instance because of a buyout, and the same purchase would have set me back double had I purchased stateside.

        I did file an inquiry with the USPS, but my experience has been spotty. Last time, a package took over a week to get from a local facility to my doorstep. I’d filed an inquiry, followed up with the facility near my home (who told me twice that it was out for delivery that day), and ten days after my formal inquiry, my partner has to pay $7 cash to cover the “inadequate shipping” for a 3×5 envelope.

        1. Queer Earthling*

          My hobby* means I get a lot of items from China and Russia, so I’m pretty accustomed to it. I think things tend to move when I put in an inquiry purely because like…it takes the same amount of time for me to get impatient as it takes for stuff to go through customs. It is frustrating but give it a little time, customs moves at its own pace and we mere mortals cannot know what that is. Apparently.

          *I collect Asian ball-jointed dolls, and for some reason every decent doll wigmaker that I like on Etsy is in Russia.

    7. Abby cats*

      This is common. I buy Kcare regularly, and stuff just disappears and then pops up again.

    8. Alex*

      Ugh yes. I tried to order something from the US shipped to Canada, and it took SIX WEEKS.

      I literally could have walked it there faster.

      International shipping is a mess.

    9. Mameshiba*

      Yes, you should regularly expect 6-8 weeks for international shipping in normal times, longer during covid. I live in Asia and this happens every time I order from the US/Europe.

  25. Anona*

    What is your favorite simple dinnertime recipe?

    In preparation for working in person, I’d like to add to my collection.

    Mine is the budget bytes’ Italian sausage and white bean skillet. It’s 3 ingredients, simple, and filling. You cook the sausage (crispy, if you have the time!), add the spinach to wilt, and then add some rinsed white beans. No fail, and sooooo easy!

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Sketti pie! Make up about 8 ounces of spaghetti (also works fine with leftover spaghetti, just rinse it with hot water to loosen it up), toss it with two beaten eggs and about a cup and a half of shredded mozzarella (or “Italian blend”) cheese (and some herbs, if you like, I’ve also done a couple spoonfuls of pesto at this stage), dump it into a 8 or 9″ baking dish, top with more cheese, bake at 350 for about 15 minutes. You can also top it with spaghetti sauce before you bake it, but one of the folks in my household doesn’t like red sauce, so I leave it off and those of us who want it add it afters. It’s not much more effort than plain old spaghetti, but it feels a little nicer, and it accommodates those of us (*waves*) who are bad at twirling spaghetti on a fork, haha.

    2. c-*

      Eggplant bacon scramble. 1 finely chopped eggplant (not peeled), 2 eggs per person, 1 cup diced bacon. Toss eggplant, some salt, and bacon in covered pan at lowest heat. Once eggplant is soft, almost melty, toss eggs in and scramble. Delicious, healthy, and filling. You can add a bit of ground pepper or cumin or basil if you’d like.

    3. BRR*

      I like Doris greenspan’s one pan chicken. Basically chicken, potatoes, and mushrooms all cooked on one half sheet pan.

      I also find pizza is super quick and easy with the dough ahead of time. It’s so easy I usually make it as my Friday night dinner, after I’m exhausted from the week.

    5. Chilipepper Attitude*

      I steam a pile, huge pile, of veggies (broccoli, cauliflower, zucchini, brussels sprouts, carrots, potatoes, leeks, mushrooms). I do 10 minutes for the potatoes, add the rest for 6 minutes more and its perfect. I add some already cooked or store bought beans or lentils and add a sauce that I made earlier. Usually a red pepper cheezy sauce or a spicy cashew mayo sauce. Easy, delicious, and endlessly variable.

    6. Now I’m hungry*

      That sounds delicious.
      Mine is two ingredients: hot Italian sausage cooked part way, then add a can of black beans (using about half the water from the can) cook til the beans are soft. Note that I do not serve this with rice, that somehow dilutes the flavor to blah.
      I’ll try adding Spinach, that could be a nice compliment.

    7. Damn it, Hardison!*

      I make something similar, but the recipe I use adds canned diced tomatoes (I use fire roasted). It’s so easy and delicious! Agree that crisping the sausage is the best.

    8. Queer Earthling*

      Dump some uncooked pasta in a casserole dish. Cover with chicken broth, top with jarred sauce & some seasoning, put in some frozen meatballs, maybe some mozzarella, bake for 40 minutes or so. Dinner for several days with only one dirty dish, and I can do something else while it’s cooking.

    10. The Dude Abides*

      Southwestern bell pepper dish. Ground beef, bell peppers, onions piled into a casserole dish and covered in shredded cheese.

    11. Ins mom*

      Pizza casserole. 3/4 lb hamburger browned. 1 and a half cups dry macaroni. 1 cup water. Small jar spaghetti sauce. Microwave 14 minutes covered, stir about half way thru. Top with mozzarella and let that melt. Fast and filling

    12. Emily Elizabeth*

      A sausage sheet pan is always our “wtf do we make for dinner” go-to. This link was our original inspo recipe, but use whatever veggies you like because all veggies are better roasted in my opinion. We use turkey kielbasa sausage and usually broccoli, sweet potatoes, red bell peppers, and zucchini.

    13. Drtheliz*

      Couscous tuna salad. In bowl #1, pour your couscous, add garlic or boullion powder and cover to ~1.5x it’s height in water.

      In bowl #2, mix chopped veg (I like dried tomato, lettuce, cucumber and raw broccoli), tuna and a little bit of mayo. Once the couscous has absorbed the water, dump in and stir. Optionally, top with sesame/sunflower seeds (or parmesan).

      You can also just replace the tuna with mozzarella or hard boiled eggs (or presumably meat but I’ve not tested that).

    14. Buni*

      Boil water and throw in pasta and whatever small-chopped veg you like all together – straight from frozen is fine. When it’s all cooked drain the water and throw in a massive spoon or two of philly-style cream cheese and whatever herbs / spices you like (I’m a massive fan or smoked paprika). Done!

    15. too hot here*

      white beans -cooked or canned – feta, olives, chopped cuke, pepper, tomatoes (usually cherry/grape. If I’m feeling fancy I’ll cut them, otherwise dump from container), lemon, olive oil. take about 10 minutes if the beans are cooked or canned.

    16. Cookie D'oh*

      Salmon. Sprinkle with salt, lemon pepper, basil, oregano, garlic powder and bake at 475 degrees. I use a meat thermometer and bake until it’s 145 degrees. When it comes out of the oven, I add a little butter and squeeze of lemon.

    17. Clisby*

      Sausage and potato soup. Saute a chopped onion and a couple of cloves of chopped garlic (if you don’t like garlic, leave this out). Add a pound of whatever bulk sausage you like, and brown it. My preference is Jimmy Dean Hot Sausage, but that’s up to you. Drain off the fat. Dice up a few potatoes, add them to the pot, and add enough chicken stock to barely cover the whole mess. Cook until the potatoes are done. Add some whole milk or cream, stir well, and make sure it’s hot all the way through.

    19. Sleeping Late Every Day*

      Another bean dish with no cooking and lots of flexibility. Rinsed white beans, lemon pepper tuna (or plain) from foil packet, halved grape tomatoes, black olives, yellow, orange, or red peppers cut as you like them (or use minis sliced in rings), shaved carrots, shallots or green onion if you like, toss with a little garlic vinaigrette or red pesto mixed with red wine vinegar, add shaved parmesan. Eat with crusty bread. Yum. Most of the ingredients are very optional. If you’re ambitious and it’s not miserable weather, any/all veggies can be roasted or grilled instead of raw, in which case zucchini and other summer squashes are fabulous with it.

    20. CTT*

      I am in the process of making my current favorite – sear cooked green beans in olive oil and red pepper flakes, and throw in pasta. I’m also going to add some canned tuna to mine for some extra oomf tonight.

    21. Lilo*

      There’s a washington post recipe for chicken lemon orzo I’d highly recommend. Comes together very quickly, very filling, has zucchini and tomato too. Easily adaptable to other ingredients.

  26. needsomehelp*

    Looking for recommendations of books, videos or courses(if they exist) for building confidence. Anyone have any success with this?

    1. AlabamaAnonymous*

      If you haven’t read Presence: Bringing Your Boldest Self to Your Biggest Challenges by Amy Cuddy, I highly recommend it! She’s go into the psychology/neurobiology/etc. of confidence but then also has some great practical tips–including how your physical posture affects your attitude–for building confidence.

  27. Dottie*

    My partner and I are moving from Atlanta to Chicago this fall. We don’t have a lot of furniture/things so we were considering just renting a big car to put a few small boxes of clothing/books in. We also have 2 cats which I need to do more research on how to move with them. We’ll stay at a pet-friendly hotel at the halfway point. Has anyone moved this way (starting fresh essentially)? Any tips/advice?

    1. Meh*

      We did it. Have money for all the things you will need to start over. Even going slowly it adds up. Have a plan for furnishing your place. Not just what you need, but how you want it. Like a style board on pinterest. That way when you are shopping it can be with intention and not just getting the first thing that sorta works. Our place is furnished with mostly good will and Habit Restore things with a few new things sprinkled in. It helped me knowing I wanted a certain “look” so that my place didn’t end up looking like a college apartment

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      If you don’t already have a vehicle and don’t need to get one (which is what it sounds like?) – consider shipping your small boxes by Amtrak or mailing the books to yourself by media mail, then just flying up with the cats in carriers as carry-on luggage. When I moved from Seattle to Indiana in a Smart car, I didn’t have the cats and I did have the car, so I didn’t do the flying part, but I didn’t have a whole lot of storage space in the car so I did both media mail for books and Amtrak shipping for everything else, and it cost me under $300.

      1. tangerineRose*

        If you fly with the cats, don’t let them be put into the overhead bin. A small dog died from not having enough oxygen up there.

        If you drive with the cats, plan ahead and find motels that are cat-friendly.

    3. ten four*

      WOOO Chicago! We moved to Chicago over 10 years ago and I just love it here. I love that the city was designed to make sure everyone is in walking distance of a park, I love the public art, I love the lake and the beaches, and I love living in a place with excellent public transportation. I hope you love it too!

      Okay for actual moving advice from someone who moved A LOT before settling down: pack a bag or box of things for daily living and keep it on top.
      – 2 sets of dishes and utensils
      – dish soap, all purpose spray, dish towel, sponge, dustpan/brush
      – Shampoo, conditioner, soap, razor, lotion, toothbrush/paste, deodorant
      – Instant oatmeal, applesauce, snack bars, peanut butter, crackers, instant coffee
      – Sheets, towels, blankets, pillows
      – a few changes of clothes
      – cords, laptop, lamp
      – petfood and dishes

      Basically all the things you need to get through the first few days in an apartment without feeling like you have to dig through every box or race out to the store every other minute. If you’re moving with minimal stuff there’s probably a lot of shopping/set-up you’ll need to do, so making sure you have the “camping” basics will prevent that sinking feeling at midnight when you just want to go to bed and you realize you don’t have a pillow or that your pajamas are in some box/bag somewhere but you don’t know where and don’t want to deal with it.

      1. Heartlover1717*

        This is exactly what I was going to recommend – I always suggest this when friends are moving (I call it a “first night box”), because no matter how well you plan, you’ll be exhausted after your move and won’t feel like hunting for the “bare necessities”. I would add S&P shakers (or other seasons you regularly use), any supplements or medications you take, and TOILET PAPER (you still have some, right?).

    4. HahaLala*

      Are your cars used to their carriers? Or have they been on leashes? I haven’t done this myself, but I’ve have several friends move with cats, and they’ve all had success by working with their cats before hand. They took a few weeks of getting the cats used to the carrier/leash, and used to car rides so that the big car ride want such an ordeal.

      Also- if your cats are particularly nervous or anxious, talk to you vet about some medications for them to make them as comfortable as possible. And make sure to have their tags and microchips updated while you’re moving!

      1. Cookie D'oh*

        My vet moved cross country with her four cats and used gabapentin to help keep them calm while they were in the car

    5. ThatGirl*

      More general welcome to the Midwest advice but don’t forget to buy cold-weather clothing and good coats, boots, gloves, hats and scarves.

    6. Spessartine*

      Be careful with the hotel! I moved 5 cats across the country last year and we stayed at “pet friendly” hotels two nights. All that “pet friendly” really meant was that they allowed pets; the rooms themselves were not catproofed in any way. The second night, three of my cats managed to get under the box springs and into the base of the bed. The thin fabric underlayer of the box springs had been ripped up, probably by previous cat visitors, and one of my cats somehow managed to get his head stuck in a hole in the fabric and in his panic had twisted himself all up in it. THANK GOD he was all right and did not strangle himself, but it was truly terrifying to discover. We had to completely remove the mattress and box springs from the base to get them all out. I told the person at the front desk that they shouldn’t give that room to pet owners again, but who knows if they made a note. I sincerely hope I never have to move that far again, but if I did, I would probably just shut the cats in the bathroom the whole time.

      I also probably would not drug all the cats for the drive again. None of our cats are good with car trips, so we got sedatives from our vet, which worked almost too well. I had a moment of panic when our smallest girl went *very* limp shortly after giving her the pill and for a second I thought she’d stopped breathing. Fortunately she recovered before I could get my phone out to search for emergency vets, but it was Not Fun for either of us. None of the others had such drastic reactions, but in retrospect I think most of them (including her) would have dealt with it okay without the drugs.

    7. ronda*

      I moved with just the stuff I could fit in my car.

      I was able to get a bed delivered on the day I was able to move to the apartment from one of those mattress stores.
      I got some living room furniture from an Ashely store and that took about 8 weeks to deliver. I think it is normally about 6 weeks, but you know … pandemic. It had been so long since I bought furniture that surprised me. I just got around to buying a dining room table, and went to a different local furniture store and they had stuff in stock and delivered the next day. I think you could also rent some furniture until you pick out what you want to buy. (or see if you can find a furnished place for a while).
      Since it was pandemic, I got all my kitchen stuff via amazon and that worked fine.
      Also got the lightest desk and chair I could find online and had that mailed, took a little longer than usual, but you know, pandemic.

      I have recently joined my local buy nothing group…. If that is of interest for you to get rid of your stuff in Alt and get some stuff in Chi… maybe try it. I have mostly been using mine to get rid of stuff I don’t want, like someone picked up some ice packs that come in some food I have delivered, cause it is getting way hot here this weekend.

    8. Mourning reader*

      When I travel with my two brother cats, I put them in a dog-sized travel kennel together in the back seat. They are much calmer huddling together, with a bit more room to move around, than in individual carriers. I let them out into the interior of the car at rest stops to use their litter.
      Be sure to belt your carrier in so that it doesn’t slip around (or tumble if you have an accident.)

      1. Tris Prior*

        Out of curiosity, what kind of car do you have, and what sort of kennel?

        We’ll likely be doing a cross country move next spring, driving and not flying. And we need to buy a car too, as we do not currently own one (moving from a very public-transport-friendly city where a car is a want and not a need, to a city that is…. not.).
        We want a small fuel-efficient car but all the kennels I have seen seem huge and not something that would fit in a compact. Maybe “travel kennel” is what I need to be looking for?

    9. JustEm*

      I’ve done several long moves with my 2 cats, and instead of normal carriers used a large “pet tube” designed for dogs that goes in the back seat. I could put blankets in there to hide under and even a smallish plastic tote to use as a litterbox. They could stay in the tube if the pet-friendly hotel was not safe (look for any holes your cat can get into before letting them out!!)

  28. Anona*

    Dream house ideas

    My husband and I are in the early stages of planning our dream house, and starting to brainstorm.

    If you were building your dream house, what kinds of things would you want to incorporate? These can be big or small.

    For example, I want a reading nook, places for the dog beds to go, and possibly wallpaper on a wall in my office.

    1. There’s probably a cat meme to describe it*

      Windows and skylights that are ideally placed for changing light over the seasons, good cross ventilation and heat escape during summer.

      High ceilings.

      Also, a bookcase that opens a secret passage to the wine cellar.

    2. MinotJ*

      We’re 3 years in to a whole-house renovation so we’ve been thinking and talking and doing this stuff. It’s amazing to end up with the exact house you want!

      No bathtubs! Just enormous glorious showers with amazing tile and luxury showerheads.

      Kitchen island, bar height. I’ve always had kitchen tables and lusted after an island. And I will always choose bar height over table height.

      So many windows. I lucked out with that one. My house has an unreasonable number of windows, even a big one in the shower. It’s a small house that was built in 1942 as a big chicken coop and it’s been modified by everybody who lived here. I’m pretty sure various owners have just decided they wanted a window *here* and chopped yet another hole in a wall.

      Wide plank wood floors, interesting texture, and strong enough to handle dog toenails. We went with acacia. The wood grain is almost obnoxiously loud.

      We’re ending up with a house that only we could love. But other houses in the neighborhood are selling for 4-5x what I paid for my house, and I know when I finally sell that this place will be a teardown no matter what it looks like inside. So I’m not making concessions to resale value.

    3. Teatime is Goodtime*

      A big kitchen with two ovens. Ideally, gas burners (not common where I am). Also: A dough-kneading counter at a good height for me. I am short and my husband is tall, so we might end up having counters at two different heights if we get to design our own kitchen someday. Also, a chest freezer somewhere accessible and a root cellar.

      A Library with a good reading chair. A tea room, or a tea-hut in our giant garden. Or, since we are dreaming, both. An art room for me with enough space and storage to use it well.

      A big garden with roses. :)

      I wish you success with your dreams! They sound lovely and very doable.

    4. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Extra power outlets, especially in any areas where you’re going to have an A/V setup (TV etc) or computer desks/office space.

      Plan ahead for any networking needs, whether that’s hard-wiring the whole house for built-in ethernet or just making sure that the cable jack is conveniently located to a place where you can put your modem/router and have it central to the area you need coverage for.

      I would probably spend most of my focus on the kitchen, making sure I had good drawer space where it was useful and minimal wasted space in the corners.

      Also, zone heating – it drives me buggy that I have one thermostat for my whole house. I have two stories and a basement, and there’s invariably 3-5 degrees in difference between each floor. AND my husband’s office is upstairs where it’s hottest (and he whines when it hits 65), while my housemate’s suite is in the basement where it’s coolest (so he’s down there with his reptiles keeping everybody’s heat lamps going). I wish to hell I could set the AC upstairs to 70, the main level to 75 and the basement to 78 (or something), but that’s not an option, so I set the main level to 75 and then it’s 78 UPstairs and 72 DOWNstairs and argh. (I have suggested that they switch spaces, but there are other logistical issues with that :P )

      1. Ellen*

        We have a very similar problem after doing a major remodel downstairs. One suggestion that the heating contractor made was to put a second A/C unit in the attic that would serve the 2nd floor.

      2. English, not American*

        Yes, put power outlets everywhere! This causes such a headache in our house, all the bedrooms have sockets right by the door and nowhere else, which is useless for anything other than hoovering. We can’t move them or add any more without rewiring the whole house (which would also mean demo-ing the kitchen) thanks to the previous owners being enthusiastic DIY-ers and messing something up somewhere.

    5. Chilipepper Attitude*

      I think it depends upon your needs – are you thinking of this as long term housing, will you live in it when you retire, do you or will you have kids?

      One thing I learned about myself over the years is that I don’t want to do the maintenance so smaller is better for me so that I can either easily do it myself or easily pay someone to do it. Especially the yard/garden. I have an HOA now that maintains the front lawns and it is so nice! I don’t have to worry if we get busy or go away and the lawn/front needs tending. And I am an aspirational gardener. That means I love the idea but don’t really do it and I have too much backyard to take care of. I’d like mostly outdoor patio and a tiny bed or two so I don’t get overwhelmed.

      I also learned that a split bedroom plan works well for me so that my spouse and I can get space from each other and so that visitors feel more comfortable. I also used the split front 2 bedrooms as quarantine space when my spouse got covid so that was really handy. This is less great for people who have young kids.

      My dream home would have a central room that would be like the backroom/workroom of a retail store. If the house has AC, this space would too. It would be central storage for the house, washing machine, slop sink, etc. And it could double as a storm shelter (we live in hurricane territory and we don’t have basements here) or panic room if that’s your thing. I would have the garage enter into this room so all the stuff you are bringing home gets put away here. The rest of the house would surround this room and could be simpler and tidier since all the crap is in the storage room. Also, I saw an HGTV program where they made a dog washing station in a laundry room. That looked really useful if you are a dog family.

      I’d prefer to have a mother-in-law studio/flex space instead of traditional second bedroom(s). This space could work for a relative who lives with you, as a guest room, as a rental, or as a space for me while I rent the rest of the house in case I want to travel or as I age. It would have an exterior quality door separating it from the house so it could provide complete separation when needed, but also let guests or kids use the room as a bedroom.

      In my dream home I would not have a dining room, I’d have an eat in kitchen island. But I would have a flex space that is normally a library corner or other space but that could transform to work for big family holiday dinners or parties. I’d spend the money on one of those tables that origamis out from a small side table/library table/jigsaw puzzle table to seating for 12. Or something like that.

      And my dream home is built so that it can support hanging, swinging chairs.

      I cook a lot and am vegan. Veggies are so bulky! so my dream kitchen would have great refrigerator space. If money were no object, I’d go for high end, under counter fridges. And dishwasher drawers. I’ve never had a pantry closet but I do have a pantry cabinet and I love it.

      No, I have not thought that much about this! lol

      Good luck to you, I envy you!

    6. Anonymato*

      I think so much depends on the location of the house! If in colder climate, heated floors… If in the city, the blindes that you can pull down from either top or bottom (if top is opened you get the light but still have privacy)… Good insulation (Roxul is our go-to because not flammable and works well) and we have double-paned windows with some silver thing in-between that helps a lot… Solar tubes or skylights… I think it’s great to have a house with minimal or no barriers if ever needed… I would love sliding/barn doors… And more space for built-in (read: hidden) trashcans in the kitchen and elsewhere…

    7. Chaordic One*

      A coat closet and a powder room by the entry-way.
      Big closets in the bedrooms.
      Built-in linen closets.
      Lots of storage and more cupboards in the bathrooms.
      Lots of kitchen cupboards AND a pantry.
      Built-in shelving in the den.
      Radiant floor heating.

    8. Dark Macadamia*

      After living in several apartments with tiny kitchens, a big dedicated pantry is a priority for me. So tired of trying to find a random cabinet with space for cereal boxes! I don’t like when the master bath vanity area has carpet. I really want a finished under-stair space that can be used as a little nook instead of just storage – a friend in elementary school had a secret room in there and it’s still the coolest house thing I’ve ever seen lol

    9. Seeking Second Childhood*

      At least one bedroom with a full bathroom upstairs, and at least one bedroom with a full bathroom on the ground floor. That gives me privacy from visitors right now, and means accessibility for future aging and/or accidents. Likewise, no changes in floor level on one story (grandma’s sunken living room is right out. The total customisation that I want that I have never seen? I want an attached garage next to the kitchen, with a pantry that opens to garage and kitchen. Unload from the car into the pantry, and the newest food will always be at the front in the kitchen. Oh, and a deep freeze in the garage too. And as long as we’re dreaming, I want a library with a wood stove.

      1. RussianInTexas*

        Weirdly my friends have a house with this setup. It was one of the floor plans for the neighborhood.
        They have a massive pantry next to the kitchen, it’s basically the size of the kitchen itself. And the w/d there as well. Rows of shelves. And the garage opens in to it.
        Just a regular suburban house in Austin.

    10. No Tribble At All*

      I know someone who has a closet specifically for the litter box, with a fan and vent that goes directly outside. Get them stinky cat smells out!

    11. ImOnlyHereForThePoetry*

      My must have is the master bedroom needs to be away from the family room so I can’t hear the tv when trying to sleep.

      My want list includes a basement preferably walk out, a walk in pantry, and a laundry room that has a door into the master closet.

    12. Abby cats*

      Zoned heating and cooling

      Heated tile floor in the bathrooms

      Outlets under all the windows for Christmas

      Kitchen island with the stove on it (I despise facing the wall to cook)

      Excellent construction (my parents built with 2x6s and their house is quiet/doesn’t creak)

      Jacuzzi corner rub with landscape windows

      Hardwood on entire first floor (no seams at doorways)

    13. Wishing You Well*

      I won’t live without an instant hot water tap again. The almost-boiling water makes many things faster and easier including washing up! I’d skip the garbage disposal; it’s there only to make plumbers rich.
      If you’re thinking about your “forever” place, think about access getting into and around your home. A full bathroom on the main floor is a must and, ideally, at least one bedroom there, too. Some homes have residential elevators to reach upstairs bedrooms.
      Dream-wise, I’d have a covered indoor-outdoor space with floor-to-ceiling glass and screened windows and doors.
      Dream on and have fun!

    14. Coco*

      This is a fun question. We just bought a home and are in the process of making some changes.

      Things we are in the middle of or would like to do if we had the budget:

      Wine storage room/ closet / area with built in wine racks and temperature control

      Heated flooring for bathrooms

      Usable attic with fan and a good way to get up there (if installing ladders, a pulley system to get things up there easily)

      Washer/ dryer on the same floor as the bedrooms. With room for storage and a system for hanging damp clean items ( like a blanket that’s almost dry but not quite but not wet enough to turn on the dryer again)

      Recessed lighting

      A loft with a ceiling fan

      A hidden room or cupboard (like beneath stairs or bookcase) where you can have a small library or bar

    17. Generic Name*

      Fun! I love fantasizing about this stuff. My husband and I plan to build a cabin in the next 5 or so years. I’ve told my husband I want lots of windows and that I want to be warm in the winter. I want a nice deck. Bedrooms have to be separated from the public areas of the house.

    18. RussianInTexas*

      More efficient A/C, built in powerful generator (Gulf Coast represents), covered outdoor space, extra space in the garage for the garden tools and regular tools, soft close cabinet doors and drawers, large shower with a built-in bench, master bedroom away from the living area.

      1. RussianInTexas*

        Walk-in pantry! Good windows! Tall fences so neighbors cannot see in.
        More than one electric outlet in the master bathroom.
        Half bath by the front door, or hidden a bit, not as I have now, right in the living room.
        Dedicated space for the litter boxes.

        1. Windchime*

          Backyard privacy. I lived for 10 years in a house where neighbors in giant McMansions could (and did) peer down into my yard. On the few instances when I went outside, neighbors were always outside and it was like living in a fishbowl.

          My current house has a very private back yard and I love it so much.

    20. Might Be Spam*

      Skylights with built-in shades so the sun doesn’t wake me up so early and cut down on heat in summer.

      Fireplace with built-in drawers in the raised hearth. Our hearth is 18 inches high and there’s plenty of room under it for two deep drawers. That’s where we keep games and extra throw blankets. A lower hearth with shallow drawers would work, too. Before we put the drawers in, it looked great with open space under the hearth. Our builder thought it was a dumb idea but we love it.

    21. Drtheliz*

      Floor to ceiling kitchen cupboards. The top can’t get dirty if it doesn’t exist ;)

      Also, two hobs – a 2-ring and a 4-ring. Spouse and I like to share cooking (and are often enough cooking different dinners at the same time) and being able to do so without bumping elbows will be wonderful (currently replacing the kitchen that came with New House).

      Personally, I’m also a fan of “galley seating”, where a section of countertops just doesn’t have cupboards above or below (for us it’ll be in front of the window, so there wouldn’t have been anything on top anyway). It’s a lovely sunny nook to eat breakfast in, and still completely usable surface space for chopping etc., unlike a table.

    22. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      Underfloor heating for sure – OHs parents have this in Sweden all over the tiled bits of the house and it keeps the house warm in winter (but not too warm) and dries out the bathrooms quickly as they are both more wet-room showers
      Big tiled showers – I hope I never have to vault over the side of a tub again!
      Mud room
      Butler’s pantry, bonus points if its between two rooms cause I think a passageway is cool!
      A good sized walk in food pantry
      Deep kitchen drawers – I have one now next to the oven that holds all my spices and its AMAZING to just open it up and choose what I need at a glance!
      A large master suite big enough to put lounging furniture like a comfy chair in there, with an adjacent master bathroom. We have an en-suite now and I love not having to leave the room in the middle of the night!
      A conservatory/orangerie with wicker furniture, remote controlled shades, and potted palms/fruits

      But my one big dream would be to have enough space to put in an outbuilding with an Endless Pool in it, with a small sauna off the pool deck and home office space/granny flat above, with sliding doors to be able to open the pool space in the summer.

    23. Ranon*

      Deeply unsexy list incoming:

      Friends with benefit relationship to the grid- so grid tied but battery backup & solar, rainwater storage, etc.

      High performance building envelope- net zero or darn close, very air tight, with filtered outside air through the ventilation system and outside vented kitchen hood with makeup air.

      Good passive survivability- orientation/ windows/ insulation all designed to keep the house as comfortable as possible even without power.

      Location wise, well out of flood/ landslide zones, full fire break if in a wildfire prone area, etc.

      And I’d put fire sprinklers in too.

      The nice thing about most of the green building stuff is your house will also be more comfortable and smell nicer on a day to day basis with no drafts and leaks and plenty of fresh air.

    24. Maxie's Mommy*

      We have huge security drawers in the toe-kick of some cabinets. They open with a strong magnet. Good place to throw cash, car titles, jewelry when workmen come. The drawers are deep enough to hold large silver trays.

    25. NoLongerYoung*

      Many good points so far. If this is a truly forever house- or if you want the flexibility – go for the ADA/36″ wide doorways. It’s not obvious, with mom’s townhouse, that they are. But oh, SO MUCH easier getting things in and out, and so spacious. The hallways are wide, and zero entry (no steps)….yet it’s just warm and welcoming. There are some great books on designing houses to make them more accessible. I must say, even the easier-opening windows and roll out kitchen drawers (instead of lower shelves) are simply – easier.

    26. Alex*

      Are we talking dream houses of regular people, or dream houses of the rich?

      For my “regular people” wants, I fantasize about radiant floor heating and/or a whole house humidifier. Some kind of heating system where dry air isn’t blown around all winter long. I hate dry heated air! Ugh!

      For my dreams of being rich, I want an indoor/outdoor pool–one you can swim from indoors to outdoors in all seasons. Heated of course. With an attached spa.

    27. HannahS*

      Lots of natural light. A fireplace. Sufficient closets! A sensible layout; I want to be able to make noise and mess in the kitchen without it being visible and audible everywhere else.

    28. nnn*

      I would think about accessibility, even if I don’t have immediate accessibility needs. What would it take to make everything accessible for all disabilities and all aging-related needs, or to make it easily renovateable to meet these needs?

      For example, is there enough room to move around the house in a wheelchair? Are the doors wide enough? Can you get to the front door in a wheelchair and open the doors? Can you use the bathroom and reach everything in the kitchen?

      How can the bathroom be made safe for someone with a risk of slipping and falling? What would it take for someone like my 99-year-old grandmother to be able to use this bathroom independently?

      There are tons of accessibility considerations that I’m not even aware of, but, for me, part of the “dream” aspect of a dream house is that my home would continue to function for me no matter what misfortunes may befall me, and without having to deal with the upheaval of renovations when I’m also dealing with the upheaval of a medical crisis.

    29. MissCoco*

      I want toe-kick step stools under my kitchen counters!! Just a few more inches to get better traction when kneading or seeing into a mixing bowl.

    30. Night Vale Seems Good by Comparison*

      Since you mention dogs, I love having a dedicated mud room and large laundry sink for dog cleanup. Of course it depends on the size of your dogs, but I have a hairy dog who seems to attract dirt, so being able to plop him in the laundry sink and spray him off is a huge help (and it’s great for Dog baths too). I would change one thing: the paint on the laundry sink wall has started peeling, so I would put something sturdy like tile as a backsplash that will hold up to frequent moisture and mis-aimed sink sprayers!

    31. Sleepless*

      My list so far for my dream house:

      Garage at the back of the house, not in the front where it’s the first thing you see

      If a two story, the master bedroom on the main floor

      A large mud room that includes a shower stall with a pull-out faucet, for washing off dogs/muddy shoes/whatever before it has access to the rest of the house

      A pantry between the garage and the kitchen

      A study adjacent to the main living area, with walls but not necessarily a door. This is because my husband watches a lot more TV than I do and I MUST have a space to read/be online or whatever that isn’t in the same room with all that racket.

      A pleasant space to sit outside and read: a porch, deck, or patio. It really needs to have at least a decent view as well.

      A walkable neighborhood with at least some ability to walk to shops/restaurants etc. This was something I really lucked into in my current house, and it wasn’t something I was thinking of very much when we moved here. I’ve been to neighborhoods that not only weren’t very suitable for walking around in, they were adjacent to a busy highway and you couldn’t walk out of the neighborhood and get anywhere.

      Similarly, walking distance to green space: a park, walking trail etc.

      My favorite general floor plan currently is what’s called a split ranch. Kitchen and master on one side, living area in the middle, secondary bedrooms on the other. (I’m openly jealous of the floor plan of my brother’s house and have been taking notes.)

    32. BrambleBerry37*

      1. Have an honest conversation with your builder re: maintenance. Skylights sound great, but the seals bust like hell. High ceilings? Great feeling of space! Crappy to heat, and a pain to keep clean. Especially if you have sills/ceiling fans.

      2. Laundry room on the same level as the bedrooms. Either in a larger bathroom, or in a laundry closet. And make sure the doors are wide enough to swap machines out easily.

      3. Unless you love vacuuming and/or deep cleaning carpets, go with hard wood or tile.

      4. Have another honest conversation with your electrician. Like others have mentioned, extra outlets/better wiring for tech areas are just smart.

      5. Foot activated faucets. May have to import from an Asian country, or search out a company that outfits labs, but omfg, GAME CHANGER.

      6. Brass fixtures for high-touch surfaces. Yes, they tarnish, but are naturally self-sanitizing. Chrome may look cleaner, but it ISN’T.

      7. If you are designing from scratch or using a premade plan, try and figure out the airflow of your windows/doors. Cross breeze makes a significant difference in natural cooling, and a lot can be done with just smart design choices.

      8. House dehumidifier.

      9. Make sure to have the sink close to the stove, but also extra counter space for prep NEXT to the hob/burners. I was stunned to visit a bunch of staged designer kitchens (Chicago Merchandise Mart showfloor) and find ONE usable kitchen designed by someone who has cooked a meal for themself. Think logically about how you/your so work in a kitchen (where garbage is in relation to prep are in relation to stove, in relation to sanitization are, in relation to pantry/fridge) and BE HONEST about what kind of storage you want/need for your appliances/food/kitchenware.

      Basically, figure out how you want to use your space, include room for the uncute bits (how easy is it to clean? Can you move a couch in that door?) and then always add more storage than you think you need.

  29. Teapot Translator*

    I wonder if anyone else’s brain works like mine and if our brains are just regular brains/a product of 21st technology. I can very rarely stay focused on one thing for too long. For example, at work (as my name says, I’m a translator), I will translate a few sentences, then go check the weather. Translate another few sentences; go check the news. I just need to randomly change my focus. When we used to work in the office, I could be translating and catch information from a discussion nearby. In my leisure time, I often need my brain to be fully occupied. So if I’m washing the dishes, I will usually put the radio on; if I’m cooking, it’s a movie or a TV show. If I’m watching a movie, I’ll start playing a game on my phone at the same time. Younger (child, teenager), I could be more focused on my interests, but I do wonder if it was part of my general anxiety disorder (self-soothe through books).
    Does your brain work the same?

    1. Teatime is Goodtime*

      In my experience, focus and concentration are things that need to be practiced. So, if I’ve been all over the place (life, technology, binging things everywhere all at the same time, stress, etc.), then I usually am over-all worse at focusing and concentration. If I dedicate some time to really work on it over the course of weeks or months, it gets much better. But maybe that’s just me?

    2. Decidedly Me*

      I’m like that, but it’s a coping mechanism for me. My mind runs fast and wanders and it has a lot of bad places to wander to, so I stay busy – usually doing multiple things at once or task switching as focusing on one thing too long triggers the wandering. I focus better by focusing less, if that makes sense, lol!

      I’ve made progress with reading. I used to read all the time and then couldn’t without my mind wandering, so I stopped. I’ve started reading again and it’s rare that I have to stop due to wandering these days.

    3. ten four*

      Mine does! I am really fast and productive at work and I often work in fits and starts like you’re describing. I find that I work best when I can jump from task to task, which is absolutely critical for my job in any case. It is very hard for me to focus on one thing at a time, and for whatever reason it’s easier for me to focus on written words (as opposed to video) so I definitely do the entertainment multitask.

      I figure it’s partly due to the ready availability of cool things to read/do and partly due to the way my brain works. I don’t personally worry about it very much – my ability to manage multiple things at once makes me stronger at my job and I don’t really think there’s a correct way to be entertained, you know?

    4. Flower necklace*

      Yes, my brain works similarly. I’m a teacher, so I’m accustomed to multi-tasking during class. Even during planning, however, I prefer to work from the department room, and everyone in my department knows that they can always interrupt me to chat or ask questions.

      I was probably better at focusing when I was younger, but I’m also a perfectionist and it takes me forever to finish things. I’ve always worked on projects in bits and pieces. So while it’s become more pronounced as I’ve gotten older, I think I’ve probably always been this way.

    5. matcha123*

      Hello, fellow translator!
      I know exactly what you mean. I need to get up and do something every few sentences, sometimes every sentence. Once my office went mostly remote, I felt comfortable doing all the stuff I couldn’t before: stretching, making coffee, read some unrelated news, whatever. When I was in the office, I would totally be eavesdropping on other conversations unintentionally.
      I actually find doing some stretching or working on a puzzle in between focusing on translating really helps me to focus on my work. Without the breaks, my brain turns to mush. Sometimes chocolate or a bit of sugar can help.

      Outside of work it’s a split between having a movie on while browsing the internet and also playing Animal Crossing and needing to be in complete silence. I’ve found myself struggling to read books when in the past I’d read to relax. Maybe because I start wondering how I would translate phrases from the books I’m reading.

      When I was younger, I could focus on activities I enjoyed. I still do that somewhat now, however it’s focusing on understanding the details of my cell phone contract and comparing it to other companies or something that I will gain a ton of knowledge in and then forget once I’ve made my decision.

      I can’t say if it is normal or not. I’ve asked myself the same question countless times. But you are not alone!

    6. Girasol*

      Depends. If I’m having fun I can go for hours on one task, but if it’s mentally hard to do or if it’s something I really don’t feel like doing, then it’s more like exercise: I go hard for a short burst and then need a breather before diving in again.

    7. The New Wanderer*

      I can relate to all of this. I think it’s partly how my brain has always worked and partly a function of having the capabilities to do several things at once that wasn’t so easy before (pulling out a phone to play a game while watching TV). As a kid (80s, 90s) I used to do my homework in front of the TV most of the time, which is a terrible habit but I got good grades so there was no deterrent.

      I can also focus to the point of tunnel vision on one thing as long as I maintain an interest in it. I know something’s captured my interest if I’m doing two things and pause one to concentrate on the other; conversely, I know I’m not invested in a thing when I automatically reach for my phone to play Solitaire or do some coloring as a second task. If I *have* to pay attention, the most I will do to fight it is not let myself multitask with something with words (reading news, listening to a podcast). WFH has made this so much easier because we’re not on video.

    8. Skeeder Jones*

      Yessssss, I have the same issue. I canot just watch a tv show, I have to be on my laptop reading while watching the show. And I’m not just on my laptop reading news, but I can’t even finish 1 article without having to take a break to play a game or do some online shopping. I sort of wonder what I’m missing because I’m not really focused on any of the tasks but I’m 53 so I doubt I’ll be changing anytime soon.

    9. allathian*

      Oh yes, I can relate. Confession time here, I’m also a translator and while WFH has been great for me, one reason why I spend so much time here is that our VPN is at times, very slow. Slow to the point that switching from one segment to the next while using translation software can take up to a minute, although normally it’s less than 15 seconds. I’m not kidding, this takes far too long, and before the pandemic it took, at the most, a second or two. My coworker’s tested working from the office to see if it’s any faster there, but the effect is, at best, marginal. Before the pandemic we didn’t have any issues, because even if both of us would WFH occasionally, most people were in the office on any given day. Now almost everyone’s remote. My coworker and I keep our TMs on a shared network drive for cross-referencing, and partial matches to a coworker’s TM seem to be the slowest.

      For most documents I translate, less than 10 percent is completely new text. So I hit Translate All, and spend my time online while my computer does the processing, then I go back and translate the remainder, fix partial matches, etc.

      I translate a lot of standardized documents with only minor changes between each document, and when it works, the translation software is a great time saver and I’d never go back to translating without it full time. For very short translations, like a sentence or two, I admit that I’ve “cheated” and translated directly without using the software…

      So far, our manager’s been understanding. The slow tech is apparently just something we have to live with, and our performance goals are set accordingly.

      Also, I admit that WFH has been a godsend to me, now I can listen in on our informational meetings and glance at the slides while playing games on my phone. If I didn’t, I’d just zone out completely. I don’t play games in the meetings where I’m expected to contribute, though.

      To ensure that this post doesn’t veer too much into the unmentionable-on-weekends-place, I confess to some of the same thing as you do.

      I do admit that I have a hard time focusing on any single activity. Like you, when I’m watching TV, I’ll also start playing a game on my phone. We have a movie room with a 100 in projector, and there I’m not tempted to do anything other than watch the movie.

      When I was a kid, we lived for a few years in the country and I went to a village elementary school with one teacher and all the grades in the same room. By some weird coincidence, there were kids born only every other year in that village, so I never had to do grades in the wrong order. I was the only kid in my class for most of that time, and learned to focus on writing an essay in third grade while the teacher was teaching basic math to the first graders and the fifth graders were doing something else. We did have PE, music, art, and crafts together. So I always thought I’d be good at shutting out distractions. As a kid I was, and even when we moved to the city and I started in a bigger school, I had awesome focus. I was, and am, a reader, and could get completely lost in a book, to the point that sometimes my parents had to pry the book from my hands to get me to the dinner table.

      I’ve tried mindfulness a couple of times to see if it would improve my focus, but I found the entire experience deeply unpleasant. The second time I had to stop halfway through, when I started to hyperventilate. I did like tai chi, though, for the year that I was able to go to classes, but covid nixed that. My instructor decided to quit for good, he had already been considering it for a while even before the pandemic. I have very poor coordination and posture awareness, and would hate to be on camera, so virtual classes are not for me. I guess I’m going to have to try and find something different, when I’m fully vaccinated in the fall.

    10. Epsilon Delta*

      I used to read for hours uninterrupted as a child and teen. Then came Facebook and social media. I really feel that (and possibly the natural consequences of aging?) affected my ability to stay focused on something, especially if it isn’t a screen. I have gotten better at focusing and reading for long stretches again, but it takes practice and intention. If your brain starts to wander, you have to gently tell it no and come back to the thing you were doing.

      Of course, not everything needs laser focus. If you’re washing the dishes, it seems totally reasonable to want to listen to the radio or watch TV at the same time! And taking little breaks during translating probably helps you be more efficient overall, similar to taking walk breaks during a marathon.

      If you want to improve your focus, I found yoga and meditation practice to be very helpful in learning how to slow down my brain.

  30. There’s probably a cat meme to describe it*

    Favourite essential oils for use in an oil burner?

    Looking for non-synthetic, fresh and/or earthy scents. Pure peppermint, petitgrain, amyris or lemongrass are my usual go-to’s.

    I’ve been buying random things lately looking for more variety, but scents I think I’ll like can smell quite different in the diffuser with heat.

    1. RosyGlasses*

      I really like frankincense by itself and then I’ll often mix a bit of lemon and clove together (with baking soda that combo makes an amazing sink and shower scrub!).

    2. Trixie B*

      I love citrus scents in particular grapefruit which lends well with peppermint. I like to create a “citrus salad” a mix of Lemon, Lime, Grapefruit, and Tangerine.

    3. Pay No Attention To The Man Behind The Curtain*

      I love eucalyptus, sometimes mixed with sage, sometimes with a bit of lavender, or ginger. Eucalyptus just makes me feel like I’m at a day spa. Have you tried Mountain Rose Herbs dot com? They have a lot of essential oils to choose from, some can be pretty expensive, but you can get small quantities.

    4. Retired(but not really)*

      I work with natural oil based scented candles. Some of my favorites are mixes: mint or lavender and eucalyptus, citrus and mint, lemongrass and sage.

    5. Unkempt Flatware*

      Yes! I make my own combo. It is a dupe of Aveda’s Shampure scent which is about the most heavenly thing I’ve ever smelled. It has some of the fragrances you just mentioned. I add to my grapeseed oil for mixing with my lotion each morning, I add some to baking soda and use as a carpet shake, and I diffuse it.

      Instead of writing out all nine ingredients, if you don’t mind, please search for Ella Lindquist DIY shampure. I buy my oils from NOW brand.

    6. There’s probably a cat meme to describe it*

      Thanks for the recommendations everyone! Some interesting new combos there to try :)

  31. Bob Howard*

    Cateract Question:

    I had a the lens in one eye replaced to deal with a cateract. I chose a distance lens, so I do not need glasses for driving. Now the other eye needs doing, and I am wondering whether I should get the same, or have a close vision lens for reading etc. That way I can get binocular vision with glasses but am not dependant on glasses for any given activity.
    Has anyone else had both eye lenses replaced and gone for different lenses?

    2. Sparkles McFadden*

      I have a close friend who did distance in one eye and reading in the other eye when he got his cataracts done, but he had worn contact lenses in this manner for twenty years, so he already knew what it would be like.

      Maybe you could get close vision contact lens for your other eye to see how it works for you?

      I have worn a single contact lens when one ripped, and my brain adjusted pretty quickly (5 minutes), but I had problems with depth perception that I didn’t care for.

    3. Mary Lynne*

      I had cataracts In both eyes in my 40s. I got one distance and one close up, And I love it.My glasses are a little complicated because I have bifocals, so four prescriptions. I’m always sort of functional, I can see enough to read a medicine bottle or navigate to the bathroom without grabbing my glasses, although would not drive or read a whole book without them.

    4. Formerly in HR*

      I know someone who had one lens for distance and one for reading. 20/20 vision afterwards. Then, a year later, had an injury and now the distance eye has blurred vision, which is not helped by the other lens. So having different lenses can work in perfect conditions, but if anything happens afterwards to any eye you end up with an imbalance harder to fix.

    5. EngineerGal*

      My mom was able to get her lenses replaced with lens that work for near and far-no glasses at all anymore

      It was extra above what Medicare would pay for but well worth it-depends on your eyes whether it will work though

    6. Lore*

      How uncomfortable or disorienting do you find it now when you’re not wearing glasses or contacts in the eye with the cataract? For a lot of people, the better working eye will “take over” and they’ll function just fine. If you’re on of them, the mono vision split will likely work for you. In between my two
      surgeries, I got terrible headaches and just felt like I could only half see. (I’d already chosen adaptive lenses, which are one type of implant that allows for both distance and close vision, so I was okay once I got the second implant in.)

    7. Chauncy Gardener*

      My eyes were already one near- and one far-sighted prior to me cataract surgeries. I am eternally grateful to my doctor for realizing that. Apparently if you get lenses that are different from what your brain is already used to, it can take a long time to adjust

    8. Retired(but not really)*

      I have one eye for distance and the other for closeup. This is how my eyes were naturally (one with greater distance vision than the other) and how my contacts had been fitted as well. It works very well for me.

  32. It's Quarantime!*

    Hi all,
    So, I’m not exactly asking for medical advice, more advice on how to actually get medical advice.
    I’m dealing with tinninus/ memory/ brain fog/ gastro/ and other post-covid issues and the advice I’ve been given (most recently from a neurologist who didn’t even bother to offer running any tests) is to seek cognitive behavioral therapy.
    Now, I’m sure I could benefit from therapy mentally and emotionally, but I’m also sure that therapy isn’t going to address the real, physical issues behind my symptoms.
    So, my question is, how does anyone get actual medical support from providers who seem to believe that since they don’t already know what’s wrong is not worth trying to find out?

    1. fposte*

      Ah, I get the frustration. But providers are generally super-constrained by insurance on expensive diagnostics like this, and CBT may genuinely be the best they have to offer; it’s also a field where experience is understandably pretty limited.

      What I’d be inclined to do is look around for somebody in your region (teaching hospitals are likely starters) who seems to be specializing in post-COVID studies and see if you can schlep to them or get a recommendation from them. They’ll have a much better idea of what tests could get you and what insurance will bear.

      I hope you find somebody good, however you go.

    2. ten four*

      I’m so sorry this is happening. My aunt and uncle are both COVID-19 long haulers after getting sick in March 2020, and my uncle’s cardiologist pretty much just threw his hands up. They had to meet with a few doctors until they found one who was actually interested in helping them figure out what was happening.

      As my aunt pointed out: they were some of the earliest long haulers, and knew that doctors weren’t going to have easy, quick answers. Of course doctors don’t have a good post-COVID-19 playbook! What she was looking for was a doctor who was actually interested in figuring it out, and it took a few tries.

      Is there an online group/community that you can ask around for recs? Can you ask ahead of time before an appointment? I think they just kept making appointments and talking to people, then making other appointments if necessary.

      For what it’s worth, I think this advice holds across any doctor and any illness. It took me TEN YEARS to get an ongoing health issue solved by a specialist because I kept getting the brush off. If your doctor isn’t taking you seriously, or if they aren’t actively helping you to solve an issue then you gotta keep looking. It’s a pain, but there it is.

      Good luck! I’m rooting for you.

    3. Ranon*

      There’s a podcast called This Week in Virology that has a doctor who does “clinical updates” every Friday- on one of his recent episodes he talked about how to get treatment to “long-haulers”. You might try looking back at those episodes as well as looking for clinics specifically for post Covid folks, some are just starting to come together (and he references one or two in the podcast). Research practices or studies might be another place to look.

    4. Tinnitus anon*

      Not medically qualified but research and work in the hearing and tinnitus field

      CBT is the therapy that has the strongest evidence base for effectiveness for tinnitus so it’s a good place to at least start, as it’s also been shown to be effective for other chronic health conditions too.

      In the UK, NICE have guidelines for clinicians and patients on the diagnosis and management what is being called post-Covid-19 syndrome (if you Google NICE + NG188 you’ll see them)

    5. Imtheone*

      A teaching hospital near you might have a post-Covid clinic. Where we live, a referral from a PCP is needed.

    6. It's Quarantime!*

      Thank you all for your kind responses.
      A big reason why I’m so disappointed/frustrated is that this specialist IS associated with a long haul covid clinic at the local university research hospital.
      That’s why I went to him.
      I had the referral from my primary doc and everything. They’ve been majorly hyping the opening of this clinic as a source of cooperative learning and instead of, you know, trying to learn anything, I was immediately told that “covid is mysterious”, that I should seek therapy, and sorry, he can’t recommend any therapy providers because all the ones associated with the school hospital have year long waiting lists. No offers of testing, no suggestions of other types of medical providers might be helpful.
      I left, even more confused and frustrated than I had arrived.
      Oh, and at some point they’ll be sending me a bill for this farce.

      1. L. Ron Jeremy*

        Check out the Tinnitus Talk forum; there are many members that are just like you with regards to tinnitus, brain fog issues from Covid-19 and many threads dealing with getting medical help.

    7. RagingADHD*

      I know the CBT recommendation feels dismissive, but I’d urge you to follow it up if you possibly can.

      You are dealing with a major life disruption, with no way of knowing how long it might last or whether it’s permanent (because nobody knows yet).

      The CBT isn’t going to fix the physical problems, but it can help you find ways to function with them until the world knows more.

    8. osmoglossum*

      do you have, or know of, a good acupuncturist? i would start there. an acupuncturist is going to look at, and treat, your whole person, rather than see a host of discrete, seemingly unrelated symptoms that are not connected to a human being.

    9. Weekender*

      I would suggest East TN or North Carolina. If you are in the mountainous areas, the weather won’t be as hot and the humidity might not be felt as much.

    10. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      I’m an ICU doctor but I’m not your doctor and I’m not a neurologist. I don’t think there is much known about long COVID. Also, there are not really treatments for tinnitus or brain fog even not involved in COVID. It could be you are not being offered tests or treatment because tests and treatments for your symptoms don’t exist.

  33. sickallday*

    Looking for advice/ commiseration about Morning Sickness. My past 2 pregnancies I’ve had it terribly (not quite to the level of hyperemesis) but to the point where I lost 15 lbs and was feeling badly “hungover” for lack of a better description for about 6 months all day every day. Thinking about having another and just looking for any tips anyone has that are NOT “eat multiple small meals a day”. I’ve tried anti nausea wrist bands, ginger, diclectin, and a stronger drug. Has anyone tried hypnosis or anything like that? Every doctor and nurse I have met except one has been extremely unsympathetic (one er doctor said he would’ve helped me if I had been vomiting right there in the room in front of him but since I wasnt there wasnt anything he could do)

    1. Pop*

      I know that this may not be possible, but if it is, get a new OB. There are numerous medications you can try that go above and beyond the normal unisom + B6 combo. To be honest, I wouldn’t expect the emergency room doctor to do much besides fluids, but someone providing you with regular care should be willing to work with you on additional/alternate medications. Good luck! I’ve had a relatively easy pregnancy by many standards and I still feel miserable going into the final weeks. Also, the people who recommended eating small meals made me LOL. Clearly we were dealing with different levels of sickness!

      1. Lilo*

        Yes, losing 15 pounds is a lot! I’m side eyeing this doctor a bit. My close friend had hyperemesis and they gave her a pump with medication.

    2. Dark Macadamia*

      My first pregnancy I took Diclegis the whole time and occasionally still needed a Zofran as well. It was the only thing that worked but it was effective. Second pregnancy I had a new doctor who basically told me to drink some ginger ale and see how it goes and I was like “no, I need drugs and I’m not leaving without them.” I threw up multiple times DURING that appointment! She eventually told me Unisom+B6 and I found a new doctor. The B6 did work as well as Diclegis though!

    3. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Friends suggested a mild form of an elimination diet to discover if there is one food that is triggering you. For example, one woman could not eat or smell garlic without puking. Unfortunately you have to do that with each pregnancy, because the nausea trigger varies.

    4. HoundMom*

      I did not try hypnosis but I had terrible morning sickness all through three pregnancies. My weapon was watermelon — easy on the stomach, came up easy if things were really bad but also hydrating and nutritious.

    5. Anon gyn res*

      Have a regimen you stick to and have meds on back up. Don’t be afraid to need a lot of meds. Be reassured that pregnancies with a lot of nausea/vomiting are more likely to make it to term.

      First line is doxylamine/pyridoxine (combo pill is diclegis). Next add on something like pepcid or Benadryl. Then reglan, then compazine suppositories. Zofran is one of the last lines (though ED docs always prescribe it first). Steroids if you can’t keep anything down but obviously last last line.

      I’m a resident in obgyn and see a ton of nausea/vomiting and I find one of the best things is truly for people to have a plan. Have medications you take every day regardless and have your back up scripts to keep you out of the hospital. Hope you can find a sympathetic ob!! I never heard of an unsympathetic one haha but I guess I go to a nice place for my residency! And our attendings love asking about nausea/vomiting of pregnancy so I guess they have to know the algorithm very well too.

    6. ten four*

      Zofran made my second pregnancy a breeze; I wish I’d taken it for the first.

      Also what’s with doctors who aren’t sympathetic and aren’t getting you a decent regimen?? Fun fact: feeling sick all the time sucks by definition!

    7. Blackcat*

      YMMV with comfort with this, but the only thing that gave me substantial relief was consulting with a traditional chinese herbalist. My doctor was not thrilled, but I hit a dangerous level of weight loss (I’m naturally thin, so losing >10lbs drops me to a BMI of ~17, which is heart-damage level thin in pregnancy) even after trying allll the drugs, so she begrudgingly said go for it. I also saw an acupuncturist which helped somewhat.

      I’d honestly look for a new medical practice. Everyone I’ve seen has taken my nausea very seriously, like daily phone calls level serious, and I have friends who have seen doctors who prescribe drugs for nausea very quickly and go for Zofran with any amount of weight loss.

      1. needsomehelp*

        Thank you to everyone who commented; I’ll keep all of this in mind (I love the watermelon idea! I cannot keep water down when dealing with this so that seems like a great solution). Zofran saved me last pregnancy but I felt guilty taking it. As for finding a new practitioner I have been with numerous midwives and family doctors and other healthcare practitioners (due to moving plus drs leaving their practice). I think I’ve just had a run of bad luck? Or maybe in canada they’re less sympathetic ? Lol. Mostly I’ve gotten “that’s a part of pregnancy”. Ah well. Thanks again!

        1. Blackcat*

          Weight loss and not being able to keep down water should not be considered “part of pregnancy” when we have medical fixes, IMO. Feeling crappy? Yeah, that’s part of the deal. But if you can’t drink water and you’re losing weight, that’s not normal and shouldn’t be treated as such.

          Any chance you’re also from a minority group? Asking a (non-white) friend today, she apparently had the exact same doctor that gave me Zofran tell her to suck it up.

        2. Observer*

          Zofran saved me last pregnancy but I felt guilty taking it.

          Why? The idea that there is something wrong with taking medication that “saved your pregnancy” just doesn’t compute.

          Of course if something like watermelon works, that’s great. But if not, take the Zofran. And, I don’t know whether it’s just Canadian medical care or a run of bad luck, but being unsympathetic about nausea that leads to that level of weight loss is just flat out bad medicine. Also, your medical team should have been actively encouraging you to take the medication that works, not letting you stew in guilt.

        3. Generic Name*

          Please re-examine why you felt guilty about taking a medication that saved your health and well being. Yes, nausea is often part of pregnancy, but one doesn’t have to suffer and risk their life or health for the privilege of carrying a pregnancy. It worked last time, so why not take it?

          1. fhqwhgads*

            I’m guessing some of the guilt is because zofran is category B, while diclegis is category A. I’m not saying it’s worth the energy to feel guilty about, and the doctor wouldn’t prescribe it if it weren’t doing more good than harm. It’s been widely used in pregnancy for decades. But if I’m right about where this is coming from, the OP isn’t coming to that feeling out of thin air.

    8. HannahS*

      Commiseration, no advice. I also was not at the level of hyperemesis, but felt like my doctors were REAL reluctant to help me out despite the fact that I was trying to work crazy hours during the second wave of covid as a resident doctor myself. I managed with diclectin, large amounts of ginger pills, and it wasn’t enough. I particularly don’t like my OB (honestly, she sucks) and will be switching after the baby is born.

  34. Chilipepper Attitude*

    Our retirement is about 8 or 9 years off and we are looking at what that might look like and what the next steps are as we retire.

    We have saved well and have ideas about what we want to do (maybe including cutting costs here and move to Spain part-time, or maybe full-time). But we realized there is a lot we don’t know about how to “take a paycheck” from our 403b and how to manage taxes (we have always done them ourselves, simple returns really) and maybe other basic things about retirement. We do know that we need to set up medicare and SS.

    We got a great referral to a tax accountant firm that also has financial planners and international expertise and we will talk to more than one company. But we were wondering if anyone has tips for us as we plan over the next few years or things to ask them that we might not think of.

    Basically, I want to learn from your mistakes and successes!
    Thanks!

    1. Lifelong student*

      Important- Medicare does not cover you overseas! If you are eligible for Medicare and do not sign up when first eligible, if and when you sign up later your premiums are higher. There are a few- but very few exceptions- so don’t neglect signing up without lots of info.

      1. Wishing You Well*

        Yes! Read up on Medicare and meet with multiple planners!
        Congrats on your nearing retirement!

      2. Girasol*

        Medicare for Dummies is a good book, and explained how very much I did not know about Medicare before retirement. (It was not at all what I thought it was.) I also read Get What’s Yours: The Secret to Maxing Out Your Social Security, which explained how Social Security has a ton of different provisions for different cases, and you need to understand all the rules that apply to you to get the most out of it. I did the same as you about tax – visited a good tax accountant, told him our plans, and asked his advice. He suggested that we begin ASAP to take more money than we need out of our IRA, pay taxes on it, and reinvest it in a ROTH IRA. At 72 you have to start drawing down an IRA (401K and 403b, too) by a specified amount each year. The mandatory draw down (called RMD) can be big and incur big taxes, so at our tax guy’s advice we’re making small non-mandatory withdrawals now, and paying small amounts of tax on it, to trim down what we’ll be required to take out and pay taxes on later when we hit 72. (That probably didn’t make a lot of sense, but ask your tax person and they’ll explain it better than I can.)

        1. fposte*

          The short term for what you’re talking about is “Roth conversions.” And yes, they can be a great way of spreading out the tax burden for maximum gain. That’s especially true for people who don’t take Social Security immediately upon retiring–there’s a window where your lower income allows you to convert more while minimizing the tax hit.

    2. fposte*

      I strongly recommend bogleheads dot org for this kind of discussion. “Retirement withdrawal mechanics” is an ongoing thread as well as a recurring topic, and there are plenty of excellent tax threads; there are also ex-pats who can give tips on retirement abroad. There’s also an excellent wiki.

      1. The Cosmic Avenger*

        And the Early Retirement & Financial Independence Community at early-retirement dot org. This is actually one of the hardest things about retiring, IMO, since saving and investing can be simplified without much loss, but withdrawals from different accounts can have a big impact on taxes. I’m thinking about starting to pay someone to manage our money for the first time just for that reason. However, for those of us who are lucky enough to have those concerns, we would probably be fine no matter how we set it up, it’s more a question of efficiency.
        One thing I’ve learned is to go for dividend yield on accounts with RMDs, so part of your RMDs come from the dividends rather than principle. And a taxable brokerage account is probably the best place to withdraw to get you to Medicare/Social Security age. Although you don’t say at what age you’re retiring, so maybe it is 65? If that’s the case, then you may not have as much to worry about, since a lot of your spending can come from SS, and your health insurance will be heavily subsidized, so figure out how much of your budget you’ll actually need after SS.
        Actually, come to think of it, the first step is usually figuring out your current spending, then figuring out what would change if you retired to get your projected retirement budget. Have you done that? Then you can tell how carefully you’ll need to plan. And I think the key is to be flexible; I’m planning on taking SS at 70, but if there’s a depression, I might start earlier, and use that money to live on instead of our investments. Some people keep a cash cushion, but that is a balancing act where the better prepared you are for a disaster, the worse you’ll do if there isn’t one.

        1. fposte*

          I might phrase the dividend thing a little differently–it’s not that there’s an advantage to dividend yield per se in a tax-deferred account, it’s that if you *have* assets that throw off dividends, like bond funds, it’s advantageous to keep them in accounts where the dividends aren’t taxed. It’s also optimal to have the slowest growth in the tax-deferred accounts, so those are two good reasons to have your bond complement in your tax-deferred accounts. OTOH, if you have Roth space that’s where you want your stock allocation, because you’ll get the most growth without having to pay taxes.

          And learn about IRMAA (additional income-based Medicare payments), including the lookback period. If you’re planning something like Roth conversions, you want to avoid doing them in a way that’ll bump up your Medicare costs if possible.

          1. NoLongerYoung*

            fposte, I read all your posts on finances with avid interest. I’m trying to learn, as well, and you always have such great points. I hope you know how much you are appreciated?? Thank you.

            1. fposte*

              That’s a very kind thing to say! I get a little overexcited on the topic, since it’s made such a big difference to me, and I love that Cosmic Avenger is usually willing to indulge me.

    3. Chilipepper Attitude*

      This is all so helpful!
      To answer some questions that would help: We are the same age. He has the highest SS. We plan for me to retire at 65 (I’m vested in my current job’s pension then) so that I have summers off to travel. He will start to take summers off at 65, fully retire at about 67, and we will take SS at 70. We hope to spend summers in Spain where my brother plans to retire; that way we will get a taste of it. We are preparing for the loss of my income and his summer income (his is “extra” income) by selling our home soon and buying a small apartment.

      1. fposte*

        If you also have a pension, make sure you know if the Windfall Elimination Provision applies to your social security.

    4. Retired(but not really)*

      My investment professional advised to go with a variable annuity in addition to another income source I have. You might see if that would be a wise choice for you.

  35. McMurdo*

    Favorite color combos, especially for things like towels and linens? About to walk into IKEA and am resisting the urge to get everything in yellow. I love yellow but I’m worried I’ll get sick of it if everything in my apartment is yellow.

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I love teal, bright red and orange as a combination, personally – feels very tropical. Yellow looks nice with gray and — maybe blue too?

      1. Sleeping Late Every Day*

        I LOVE yellow and blue together. Medium to light blue with a sunny yellow is the perfect cool/warm combination.

    2. Pharmgirl*

      What about throwing in some light or dark grays, white/tan, or light browns with the yellow?

    3. Lcsa99*

      I personally love earth tones of blues and greens. For my home I’ve added browns and greys to that.

      For you, it would be easy to start with yellow and just build off that. Typically you’d look for the complementary color so that would be purple, but I love greens or light blue with yellow. Honestly, the easiest would be to go to Bed, Bath and Beyond or someplace like that, pick a particular yellow towel you love and just build on that, matching everything to that towel and just picking whatever colors look the best to your eyes.

    5. Abby cats*

      I love gray with purple. It works no matter the tones, so you can do anything from soft lilac/periwinkle to brilliant royal purple/eggplant.

    6. llamaswithouthats*

      Pair with a neutral color? Since you like yellow, maybe white and/or brown (light or dark).

      For my bathroom I like cool colors, so I have a blue/gray theme going on, but for my living room I like a warmer vibe so I have light brown/light pink. I like light colors but you could obviously go for bolder colors if that is your preference.

    7. MissCoco*

      If you love yellow, get a lot of yellow! Of course probably not everything, but I am a big fan of having things I like in my house, even if they don’t “go” perfectly

      I don’t know if they still have it, but I had a really pretty yellow floral duvet from them that always made me smile. I used it with ice blue sheets and pillowcases.

      Sage or another pale green, pale or ice blue, and I like a light neutral like white, cream, or beige to go with yellow.

      1. NopityNope*

        I agree—get what you love for your living space! My living room is bright, bright yellow and it makes me so happy. Go get those yellow towels! Other people’s opinions be damned!

      2. AcademiaNut*

        I’d pair the yellow with something to keep it from being too overwelming. You could vary with the seasons.
        – yellow and pale green (spring colours)
        – yellow and blue, with accents in other bright colours (summer)
        – yellow paired with browns and oranges (fall)
        – yellow with greys and whites (winter)

    8. Helvetica*

      I tend to buy shades so it’s similar colour families but not all the same colour – so shades of green, like some mint, some emerald, some pale green. Also look for intermediaries so you can easily cross over into blue. I’ve also found that gold goes really well, as I do like that art deco-ish vibe of green and gold accents.
      So if you want yellow, just span it out from bright to pale, maybe some orangeish yellows to top it off. I like the effect it gives and it doesn’t seem like everything is exactly the same colour either if you’re worried about getting sick of one colour.

    9. Can't Sit Still*

      My kitchen has had yellow linens and red small appliances for decades. My bedroom is grey and teal, my bathroom is blue and white, and my living room is hot pink and lavender. I used to have yellow everywhere, and while I didn’t get tired of it, having each room have its own set of colors made laundry (and furniture, when moving) easier to sort by color. I have brown and white tabbies, so I have a couple of “cat colored” blankets as well. Basically, I love all the colors!

      If you want everything yellow, get everything yellow, although yellow gets stained quickly in the kitchen. Kitchen linens are easiest and cheapest to replace, though, so get those in the brightest colors and where you can add different colors to see what you like best.

    10. Marion Ravenwood*

      To go with yellow, I like blue – specifically navy blue – and dark grey. Depending how bright your yellow is, black can work too, but personally I find it a bit too heavy.

    11. RussianInTexas*

      My living room is my favorite combo now: cream, shades of blue and grey, black and white art. Soothing.
      My old apartment had a saturated forest green wall, so I added silvery/sage accents and cranberry accents. Felt a bit Christmas-y, but the colors worked well together.

    12. Buni*

      If you love one particular strong colour and worry it maybe a much en masse then yes, go neutral for all backgrounds and use the colour as a one- or two-item punch. My friend’s front room has really pale mushroom-y walls and an oatmeal carpet and then BAMM, bright turmeric-orange sofa. It makes it stand out so much more than if it was just lost in an orange mass.

      1. Retired(but not really)*

        I second the thought of doing various shades of your color. And add some accent color as well. Otherwise it becomes overwhelming and eventually obnoxious. Lol. My mom had everything harvest gold in a bathroom – walls, floor, ceiling, curtains. It was too much. When I changed just the curtains to multicolored print on white it made a huge difference.

  36. Jiminy Cricket*

    With the new possibilities for remote work, our family (with 3 kids in elementary school ) is thinking of relocating somewhere in the US. We are looking for locations with good in-person schools, beautiful nature, and mild weather (less than 2 months of snow in winter, summers with temperatures normally under 100F, say). We are in the SF Bay Area but are so tired of wild fires, electricity outages, poorly funded schools, and ridiculous cost of living. Our dream is to own some land ~ 2 acres or more. Any ideas?

    1. fposte*

      I’m not 100% convinced you can get everything you want on that list, so it might make sense to rank. Lots of people with money want that same list, too, so places with it aren’t going to be cheap. The PNW has tended to be the Holy Grail there but if you don’t like wildfires, the Pacific Rim isn’t a great fit. Outside of the PNW, if you want to avoid cold winters you generally end up with hot and often humid summers. Hawaii might work weatherwise but COL is quite high there. Idaho’s Banana Belt may be close weatherwise but I’m not sure if the schools will satisfy.

      I’d spend some time on city-data dot com putting together a shortlist, maybe based on weather and school ratings, and then drill down deeper from there.

      1. twocents*

        Seconding this. I don’t know that you can remain in the US and get this whole list. The weather requirement alone is going to be tricky. Definitely need to prioritize; is a short winter more or less important than a mild summer?

        I live in a state that gets all four seasons, and even here, I’ve noticed that the weather is tending toward more extremes. Summer is hotter faster this year than it has been in the past. At the same time though… I’d rather live somewhere where people are used to these swings, because seeing states that don’t normally get winter getting a couple inches of snow in recent years and having a government/business system that doesn’t know how to handle it sounds awful. I really felt for those poor people stuck in traffic for 18 hours in Georgia a couple years back.

      2. Windchime*

        It depends on where you are in the PNW. If you are literally on the coast (west of the Cascade mountain range) then the weather should meet the criteria. But on the East side of the mountains, not so much. It’s supposed to be 117 here tomorrow and it’s going to be well over 100 all week.

    2. Aurora Leigh*

      Maybe southern Illinois, near the Shawnee National Forest? Temps should he about what you’re looking for, and it checks the boxes for gorgeous nature and low cost of living. School quality can vary a lot from district to district, so I can’t speak to that specifically.

      1. Sleeping Late Every Day*

        Ack! I’m not far from there. It’s beautiful, but summers are often in the 90s with high humidity, winters have been pretty mild in recent years but it can also get bitterly cold, and the towns in southern Illinois are mostly in a financial decline but populated by stubborn conservatives who resist the taxes that would help. The public schools reflect those towns.

    3. Elle Woods*

      If it wasn’t for the less than two months of snow requirement, I’d suggest the Twin Cities. Beautiful nature; lots of parks, lakes, and trails; schools are generally quite good (though it can vary from district to district). Electric outages are rare, cost of living is reasonable, and if you’re OK with living in the outlying areas, you can easily find 2+ acre lots.

    4. Blackcat*

      “less than 2 months of snow in winter, summers with temperatures normally under 100F” along with good schools is really hard to get outside coastal areas which can be $$$$.
      If you could tolerate ~3-4 months of winter, lots of central and western Massachusetts ticks all the other boxes. The only other idea I have is the Los Alamos area. It snows a fair bit, but like the Denver area, it tends to melt/warm up quickly.

      1. jj*

        I live in Western MA, I love it here but everyone I know is slowly getting priced out of the town’s we live in. I’d really hesitate to recommend folks move there because the rural gentrification is getting intense and it’s one of the few places in the country that has the kind of queer community it does, and now most queers without an inheritance are getting priced out.

    5. Girasol*

      We moved to the rural midwest and like it very much, but one thing we didn’t consider in advance was the startling difference in local politics. As ex-blue staters in a red state, we have to be a bit careful in conversing with neighbors and avoid certain subjects altogether for neighborliness’ sake. The difference in local law is noticeable in matters of public land use, firearms, social safety nets, and such. In local news lately is a political argument over whether our schools are indoctrinating children with inappropriately liberal views on race relations and racial history, and that could lead to a change in how the subject may be taught. When we came here we were thinking of a different sort of landscape – mountains, blue skies, open spaces – and did not fully consider the effects of moving to a different political landscape. It has worked out okay for us, but you could avoid a surprise by considering that more carefully than we did before you make a decision.

      1. Reba*

        Yeah, when I read Jiminy’s post I thought of the Carolinas or Virginia. But that would be a biggggg culture shift from Cali and that’s something to consider seriously too!

    6. Generic Name*

      I think you’re going to have to rank your wants because I don’t know that all are going to be available in one spot. Coastal Georgia could tick a lot of your boxes, but I’m not sure public schools are well funded. I’ve noticed that the places that have good schools and nice weather and beautiful nature are expensive places to live because they are highly desirable for a lot of people. Honestly, a lot of what you’re describing is basically California, but you’re already there, so…..

    7. Imtheone*

      Raleigh, Cary, or Chapel Hill. Especially Chapel Hill is A blue area in a purple state. Good schools, lots of sunshine all year round, short winters.

      We usually avoid the most severe weather since we are far enough inland, but still only two or so hours from mountains and beaches.

      A little humid in summer, but mornings a FPS evenings are nice.

      2. Blackcat*

        If a Bay Area native is asking for weather <100 degrees, they don't want the triangle! 90+ in the triangle feels worse than 100 in the Bay Area, and it hits 90 a lot.

        I grew up in the Bay Area (inland, where it got HOT) and found North Carolina summers completely intolerable when I moved there. I much prefer Boston winters to Raleigh summers.

    8. Chauncy Gardener*

      Northern MA/southern NH is great. Good schools, nice climate (if you like distinct seasons), near the ocean. It’s expensive, but not as bad as SF. And easy to fly to almost everywhere except Asia and Australia

    9. NoLongerYoung*

      I’m in the bay area too, and have done research based upon the retirement options / some of the same factors, but without the school and mild winter requirement. I can go to AZ, FL or TX for the winter, so… not as tough to nail it down.

      But a couple details my SIL did not think of when moving. Her son wound up 2 grade levels ahead in math. She had chosen a smaller town with one of the best rated districts in the state. Not enough kids to have a gifted class (it was a once-a-month check in with a visiting tutor, and online).

      If culture, art, and music are important, make sure you are close enough that it’s not an all day road trip to get to a metro area, for example.
      Think about health care. How far and choices? (Think 1 family practice doc and a 60 min drive to any specialist – now, I’m that far from Stanford, but… are your expectations higher?).
      Are you prepared to drive everywhere? (unless you are in a metro area, transit can be hit or miss).
      Don’t get me wrong – I’m retiring “not here.”
      My cousin has rented a house for 3 months at a time in each of their options, so they can try out the area before a permanent move. (and went back in Feb for Idaho, just to see the winter).

    10. Camelid coordinator*

      You might want to think about New Jersey. (Hear me out, people!) Yes, there is snow, but it is not continuous. Last year there was hardly any, and this year we had a bunch of big storms over the course of one month. Property taxes in areas with good schools are high, but given where you are coming from real estate & taxes might not seem that high. NJ lots of pretty countryside, with access to the shore and the Appalachian trail. You might especially want to look at Hunterdon County. Like the Illinois comment the humidity is brutal in the summer though.

    11. MissB*

      PNW checks that off.

      Yes, we are going through a horrible heat wave this weekend but that’s quite unusual.

      Consider where there will be water. I know Portland will have plenty of water for a very long time.

      I’m a fan of Portland. Plenty of Californians have moved up here and generally find the cost of housing to be reasonable compared to any of the more expensive parts of California.

      It’s a tough time to find a house around here but there are homes on 5-ish acre lots that pop up in the outlying areas. Closer you are to portland, the better the schools.

      I don’t worry much about forest fire on my property despite the large fir trees. I’m close enough to Portland to know that firefighters would be dispatched pronto.

      The February wind storm was unusual, and being out of power for a week sucked hard. But… it’s just driving me to installing a whole house generator that gets plumbed to the natural gas line. It’ll automatically kick over. It’s the solution I’m comfy with.

      I think it all depends on how much you want to spend. I have a half acre in a fabulous little school district. There are frequently 1+ acre properties for sale but not farm level ones (5+ acres) within the district boundaries.

      1. Jiminy Cricket*

        Yes – all things considered the Portland / Eugene area probably checks off most of the boxes for us. Thank you all who responded.

    12. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      Virginia especially college town areas can be very nice (Charlottesville, Richmond, not around DC) but you will still have hot humid summers. Maybe a bit less hot around Charlottesville because it’s in the mountains. Cheaper than SF but not cheap.

      1. Thunderstorm*

        Yes, I wondered whether to chime in. I’ve lived in multiple parts of VA for 20+ years. West of C’ville, the summers are lovely, but you can get snow anytime from Nov to March. It also tends to be very conservative. East of C’ville, mild winters but summers can be brutal. And all over, schools are hit or miss. If you’re liberal, look for college towns as they are more blue (and tend to have better schools.)

    13. Sleepless*

      I live in the northeast suburbs of Atlanta, and depending on your tastes, it might check all of your boxes. Our county (Gwinnett) has top-ranked schools. We are an hour or two from the southern Appalachian mountains with tons of hiking, kayaking etc, and half a day from the beach. Winter is pretty much December to February and there might be a day or two of snow. Our summers are hot and very humid, but the hottest it gets is the low 90s. And we have tons of trees so at least it is shady! COL is much lower than most metro areas. Atlanta is more conservative than you’re used to, but less so than you might expect.

  37. Ali G*

    Looking for ideas/commiseration around my Old Man Dog. He has arthritis and was having trouble on the stairs. We put him on supplements and put down some tacky stair treads to help him. We went on vacation for 5 days and when we came back it was like he’d aged 5 years (he’s 14). He’s terrified to go down the stairs and we had to carry him. He was slow to get up and even slipped a few times. We are long time clients of the dogsitter we used, so if something happened while he was here, we would have heard about it. We think he fell on the stairs while he was alone, and/or the additional walks the sitter took him on gave him an overuse injury (we asked the sitter to walk him since he was going to be alone for a a few hours at a time instead of having us around all day to let him out whenever).
    We took him the vet on Thursday and he had a total freak out abut it, so she didn’t feel safe doing xrays. She gave us gapapentin to see if pain management helps him. He does seem to feel better, but yesterday he had a few instances where he couldn’t get us because his back legs kept sipping. We are keeping him off stairs for now, except for the 3 steps into the yard, which he kind of just flops down.
    Today I gathering all the runners and small rugs in the house and are putting them down for him.
    The vet said they will do xrays if he doesn’t improve over the next week, so fingers crossed this is just an acute injury and not the new normal.
    If you have any suggestions of other things we can do I would appreciate it! Also if you have experience with this – is this something we can fix?

    1. Not A Manager*

      I’m not a current pet owner, but I’m curious about whether it’s usual practice not to run necessary tests/procedures “because the vet doesn’t feel safe.” I hate the idea that he might have an actual injury but it’s gone undiagnosed because she’s postponed the X-rays. If it were me, I wouldn’t want to wait for a week to see if oral meds are sufficient. Is there any way the vet can actually diagnose this while keeping herself and the dog safe? What about giving him an anti-anxiety med prior to the visit, or some such?

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Sedation is dicey on older dogs, and from the description of the issues, the x-rays aren’t necessarily a necessary test – when my older dog started having similar issues, my vet didn’t even suggest them because arthritis and associated anxiety is far more likely than an acute injury. (And I know you said anti-anxiety, but we gave my elder dog an anti-anxiety med before a procedure a few weeks ago, I only gave her half of the dose the vet recommended based on her weight, and it knocked her out so completely that my husband and I had to stretcher-carry her through the house on a pillow and load her into the car that way, and she didn’t even wake up, eight hours after giving her the med – I opted to leave her at the vet’s office overnight to sleep it off under medical supervision, just in case. Older dogs have wacky biology.)

        1. allathian*

          Oh my, I dread to think what could have happened if you’d given her the full dose the vet recommended. I hope your dog recovered fully from the procedure and the meds.

      2. Ali G*

        The vet said if he wasn’t putting weight on the leg or if he was really ouchy to the touch she would have done it. I didn’t mention that he has a dental scheduled in about a week, so if I want xrays then they can do it when he’s out. Also I had given him a Xanax but he was still a mess. For x-rays they have to lift him (which he would fight) and lay him on his side (which he would also fight).

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      My Elder Statesdog had bad issues with the stairs, starting when she was 12, and yeah, any time she slipped on the stairs, she had major setbacks and wouldn’t try them for a couple days. We stopped letting her go up and down the stairs at all in the house, because she couldn’t do it safely and even if we wanted to carry her (she’s 60 pounds) – we just put a baby gate at the bottom. One thing to note – we did try gabapentin and we scrapped it pretty much right away, because one of the common side effects of gabapentin is muscle tremors, and my girl got them so bad she wouldn’t even try to stand up off her dog bed, she pretty much didn’t move for two days because she fell down every time she tried to go anywhere and I was just like, nope, this is clearly not working. We found that carprofen worked well for the arthritis – we started out with one dose a day, but switched it to half with breakfast and half with dinner to spread it out over the day, and that worked even better. We also added a ramp to our deck so she could go down that instead of the stairs to the yard, and that’s been a big win. (She doesn’t go up the ramp, she still prefers to go up the stairs.) It did take a couple days of work and coaxing to get her comfortable with the ramp, but now she just zips right down it, no problems.

      However, no, I don’t know that there’s really a “fix” for it, so much as just adapting to a new normal. We’re going on a year now, where she’s been limited to the main room of the house, and probably two and a half with the arthritis in general. How’s he moving when stairs and slippery floors aren’t involved? Like, if he gets out in the backyard, how does he do there?

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        (main LEVEL, not main ROOM, of the house. She has access to four rooms, that have five doggy beds among them :) )

      2. Ali G*

        Thanks! This is helpful. He does fine when he’s not slipping around. So once he gets in the yard he’s still stiff from the arthritis but gets around fine. The vet wanted to start with gabapentin because he’s on heart meds and has slightly elevated kidney levels (it’s hard getting old) and some of the other meds she said could make heart and kidney stuff worse. But if he has bad side effects, we could try other meds and he would just have to have bloodwork done every six months. My Old Man will also go up steps OK so we might try a ramp out the back. We have one the previous owner left and thankfully we didn’t get rid of it.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          My gal, she’ll be Bambi-on-the-ice-ing all over the house, but once she gets down into the backyard proper, she gallops around like she’s 13 going on 4 again :) In our case, it also doesn’t help that she seemed to step up all the fur growth between her toes and around her paw pads as she got older, so her feet also don’t have quite the traction she was used to. And I hate vacuuming, so my whole house is hardwood or tile. We’ve added rugs in the rooms she spends the most time in for now. But if he’s doing fine out in the yard, not having any abnormal hitch in his giddy-up, I’d say it’s probably more likely that, yeah, he just slipped and scared himself, than an acute injury.

          We started with the carprofen because she didn’t have any other health issues already, but yeah, the vet said it can be troublesome in elders who already have health issues, so that makes sense that you’d go straight to gabapentin. From my experience, if he’s likely to have bad side effects, they’ll pop up in the first couple of days, so you should hopefully be good there :) We did also try a daily supplement, Flexadin (looks like a treat, smells like beer, which was weird, but she didn’t have any issues with them) that seemed to have some mild positive effects on her joint issues. (I got the rec for it from a friend who swore that when she gave it to her elder dog it was like night and day.)

          OH. Another thing that has scared the heck out of me a couple of times until I realized what’s going on: Elder pups with joint issues who are prone to laying down a lot may lay in ways that put their feet to sleep. When mine does that, it looks like she’s trying to put her foot down and just — missing the ground? I’m not sure how to explain it exactly, it’s not limping, and it looks dramatic and scary as heck, but it passes in a few minutes, and then she’s all “What on earth are you worried about? Does worried mean I get cookies?”

          1. Ali G*

            OH! The leg thing! This makes so much sense. He’s been twitching and sometimes…slapping? his leg against the floor when he gets up. So far he seems to be taking to the gabapentin fine so fingers crossed. Thanks!

    3. ThatGirl*

      Our dog woke up last year seemingly unable to use his back legs and we rushed him to the vet. She was able to do X-rays and found compressed discs. He got steroids and was put on pretty strict rest for awhile and thankfully he improved.

      We don’t let him do stairs anymore or jump off things. He gets glucosamine treats and we’re considering leg braces. He still slides around a bit.

      I would suggest letting your pup rest as much as possible, not much walking for awhile, see if that helps him heal.

      1. Ali G*

        Thanks! Yes he’s only getting a short walk before bed, otherwise it’s just puttering in the yard and on the first floor only. I am hoping that rest will get him feeling better and able to get around better soon.

    4. Miss Bella Beautiful*

      Maybe ask the vet about Adequan shots for arthritis, and you could also ask about an Assisi loop and acupuncture? We used all of these for my 11-year-old cat post-knee surgery, and I think they really helped, and they are better studied in dogs. Wishing you luck!

    5. Anonymato*

      Sorry to hear! Dog chiropractor might be helpful if the dog fell down the stairs (was in our case) and possibly a brace. Our dog was too old for surgery (ACL tear and patella issue on the same leg). Bionic Pets is the company we used for custom brace. For our dog, the medication Carprofen was more helpful then Gabapentin + the krill in blue bottle from Grizzly Pets.

    6. Cormorannt*

      My dog has bad arthritis that is mostly limited to one hip. It causes noticeable weakness in his back leg on that side. The main stairs are carpeted and he does fine on those, although he takes them slowly. He struggled to get on the bed so we got some doggy steps for it. He uses them but he does seem to have much more anxiety about them even though they are also carpeted. I started with glucosamine supplements but that wasn’t cutting it, especially over the winter. He would get up in the morning and then flop back down and whine. He’s on carprofen now, which is an anti-inflammatory and pain reliever similar to ibuprofen. It can cause liver (? or something?) problems so he has blood tests every six months. He’s done very well on it.

    7. Thunderstorm*

      Hugs to Old Man Dog. When our lab developed back end weakness, we worked with a rehab vet. Although the water treadmill didn’t work for us, it helps lots of dogs. Rimadyl (prob not for your dog if he has liver issues), daily range of motion exercises, daily glucosamine, and monthly chiro/acupuncture kept her going. We also helped her up steps with a back harness. Overall, I’d classify it as something you manage more than fix.

  38. Quill*

    The Literalist Interpretation of Thesis (story requested by Pickled Limes and Book Badger, Attorney-at-Claw*)

    Some time ago, I attempted to get a degree in archaeology. (The reason I do not have one is another story, but rest assured that my actual Bachelors degree and I are very happy in laboratory admin. My only in-the-field skills are first aid and punching Nazis, and punching Nazis is a sisyphean task.)

    So at the end of my junior year, my college scraped together all the archaeology, divinities, and social work majors (there were thirteen of us) and sat us down for a required pre-thesis “how to write a thesis” class, in a closet sized room with an ancient legend of a theology professor, who took one look at the exhausted social work majors and my dead double major eyes and decided we wouldn’t be any trouble. We were also the only four women in the group, which will be relevant later.

    Our first task: to come up with a thesis topic.

    Most of the divinities students chose surprisingly interesting topics: heresies, antipopes, the political implications of schisms, lutheran heresies… except for one dude.

    This dude did not need to wear a fedora, because spiritually the fedora was already there. He was also, as is often the case with people whose brains are being strangled by a spiritual fedora, massively incompetent.

    His proposed topic, the first day, was to use Stephen Hawking’s “A Brief History of Time” to prove the existence of god.

    “Oh,” said one of the social workers, “are you double majoring in physics?”

    “No,” scoffed the spiritual fedora.

    “Does anyone have any… other… advice or questions?” asked our professor, who was abruptly too old for this crap.

    Faced with a participation requirement, and the knowledge that I might be the only one in the room who had attempted to read A Brief History of Time, I replied “If you haven’t already read the book, start as soon as you can. I read it and it’s not actually, uh, brief.”

    Spiritual Fedora’s lip curled. “Are YOU a physics double major?”

    “Environmental Science actually, the book was just lying around…”

    By week two, we had established that SF was not going to prove the existence of god. He was, however, determined to prove the existence of mutual hatred at first sight with me, and our professor was being driven to drink, since prayer wasn’t working.

    SF did not have an accepted topic until the final presentation of our exploratory lit review and topic statements were due, AKA the day after spring break.

    His topic was “Clarifying the true meaning of the bible by removing figurative language” and he did not take constructive criticism about the fact that the bible has been translated approximately a million times, so doing it again, with no language skills whatsoever and a middle school lit class understanding of figures of speech, was unlikely to yield results.

    Now, the whole reason I was double majoring in the first place, other than a childhood where National Geographic was one out of the twenty TV channels we received, is because at some point I’d mistaken my ability to ask a lot of questions for actual academic ability. And believe me, I had QUESTIONS, because by the end of This Dude’s slideshow I was unsure if he understood 1) the definitions of any of the literary terms he used 2) how to make a powerpoint 3) how writing worked as a general concept. He claimed that the waving sea of galilee was an example of personification, because humans waved and he didn’t understand what homonyms were. He claimed that an animal fleeing was anthropomorphization because he didn’t believe that animals felt fear. The social workers and I started a score sheet of how many times he confused simile, metaphor, and syllogism.

    As someone who had ever enjoyed an english class, it was awful. As a window into the human psyche, it was fascinating. As a drinking game it could have been deadly, but fortunately we were living on a dry campus and, as should be obvious by our choice of major, a bunch of nerds who wouldn’t have brought alcohol to class if you paid us.

    We were still, unfortunately, each required to ask questions.

    Questions like “I think you transposed Metaphor and Simile on your definitions slide” and “why did you chose these particular passages to illustrate your point” and “Do you realize that the way you explained the ‘improved’ version of this passage about the parting of the red sea you actually made it say the opposite of what it’s usually interpreted as? Specifically that you’re implying that god did NOT help the israelites?”

    Spiritual Fedora glared at the last question asker. “I don’t think you have any standing to interpret this passage,” he said, “since there’s a *reason* that women can’t be ordained. Besides, what do you know about literary devices?”

    “More than you know about physics!” I blurted out cheerfully in response, at which point our professor took the opportunity to turn us all out into the hall fifteen minutes early and have a drink while writing up his letter of non-recommendation for Spiritual Fedora to go to seminary, on the grounds that he was “spiritually immature” and a sexist jerk.

    SF did not discover this until some time after he failed thesis prep for neglecting to turn in a lit review that had literally any sources remotely related to his batshit thesis topic. The rest of us learned this because one of the other divinities students overheard his advisor gossiping about it to another faculty member.

    According to the social workers they all had a very pleasant thesis course without him the next year. I dropped in week two to focus on my envisci thesis, because I was NOT going to write two of the things while also taking my last lab course.

    1. Confused*

      Removed. If you have a concern about another comment, please flag it for me and I’ll take a look. I’m leaving the post in this case because it appears others asked the OP to post it here and they’ve gone to the effort of writing this all out in response to that request. That said, here’s a reminder of the weekend commenting rules for all. – Alison

      1. sequined histories*

        It’s a marvelous and entertaining anecdote that was apparently requested by a couple of other commenters. In that sense, it seems in spirit of the “dinner party conversation” vibe of the weekend thread. I did not request it but loved it. I think the “work and school” open thread is more about asking advice.

    2. Generic Name*

      OMG. It’s rather hilarious that the dude thought he was going to prove the existence of god for a class project using a book he’d never even read!! I HAVE read A Brief History of Time, and while it’s probably one of the most readable books about astrophysics and has a very clear explanation of quantum physics, it’s a very dense read, and I don’t really feel like I “get” quantum physics, let alone proving the existence of god, after having read it once. Describing this guy as “spiritually immature” is probably too kind.

    3. ampersand*

      Spiritual fedora=the perfect description. I want to know what became him. Did he graduate? Where is he now? Is he still intolerable?

      1. quill*

        I didn’t bother keeping track of him once I no longer had to suffer his weekly presence in class… but I do believe he’s still intolerable, it’s only been about eight years.

      2. Windchime*

        If I ever create a band, I will call it Spiritual Fedora. We will be simultaneously angsty and self-righteous.

    4. Lora*

      *dies laughing* This is GREAT and I am very very glad you shared it and also I will be imagining a Spiritual Fedora shining like a halo around the heads of certain co-workers and acquaintances basically forever now.

      You have done NOTHING for my at-work poker face, I will have you know!

      *applauds*

    5. NoLongerYoung*

      Heartily enjoyed this – one of the funniest things I’ve read in weeks. Thank you for sharing! While I was not one of the ones that requested it, I salute you for your sharing – so much fun. (and yes, I “may” have been one of the others looking askance at SF in your class… thinking back )

      1. quill*

        I do wonder if he graduated, but I didn’t bother keeping track of him after no longer having to suffer his presence in class. :)

    6. Queer Earthling*

      spiritually the fedora was already there

      A fed-aura, if you will.

      This was a marvelous write-up, thank you!

      1. There’s probably a cat meme to describe it*

        Just have to express my appreciation for “fed-aura”.

        Thanks for the story, Quill!

    7. Middle School Teacher*

      While this was fun and a couple of people apparently requested it, I’d like to suggest in the future you nest really long posts like this so maybe other people can skip over them. Thanks :)

      1. quill*

        Ah, good idea. Typing elsewhere and then reading over it on my GIANT SCREEN I didn’t notice how long it had gotten. Next time, a title page!

    8. They Don’t Make Sunday*

      This story made my day! And it inspired me to go back and read your account of the vanful of nuns crashing Christmas at your grandma’s to escape a theological debate over sabotaging squirrels with Crisco. You’re an amazing storyteller.

    9. Book Badger, Attorney-at-Claw*

      I was one of the people who requested this story and my God, it’s even better than I had hoped. This guy. THIS GUY. I already read your first comment with my fiancé and now I have read him the thrilling conclusion, because THIS GUY. Thank you!

  39. Home office setup*

    Those of you who work remotely with a home office, how so you set up your area to accommodate your personal computer as well as a work machine?

    I’m shopping for a new desk, and I’m overwhelmed with choices. Do I want an adjustable standing desk for work? Two separate areas, since my personal machine is an iMac and cumbersome to move? Too many options!

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      My desk is about 54″ long and adjustable to stand or sit. I added a clamp-on keyboard tray that’s wide enough for my keyboard and trackball. On the left side is my personal computer with a 32″ monitor, on the right side is my work computer with two 24″ monitors (one is rotated 90 degrees so it’s tall rather than wide). The outside monitors do kinda stick out over the edges a little bit, but they’re solidly placed on the desk itself. Both computers are laptops – my MacBook Pro slides under the monitor stand that its monitor is on, my work laptop and its dock sit on a little shelf next to the desk. I use a Logitech MX Keys keyboard and MX Ergo trackball, which connect to both computers and flip back and forth with buttons on each device – saves SO much desk space, not having to have two keyboard/mouse setups. My husband has a similar setup in his office, though he opted for a single USB switch to plug his keyboard and mouse into rather than splurging on devices that he could switch individually. I regularly flip just my mouse over to the other computer to do something while leaving the keyboard pointed where it is, or vice versa; he never flips just one or the other. This has more or less been my setup for going on eight years now – when I first did this, I had a wider desk that wasn’t height adjustable because my personal computer was an iMac with an external monitor, but now I find that the 32″ by itself is sufficient for my personal use. ;)

    2. Generic Name*

      I have a desk my husband built that’s basically a very big table. I use a keyboard tray (borrowed from work), a laptop stand and a monitor. I have an external hard drive for my personal files and just use my work laptop for personal stuff in the evenings and weekends, which is permitted by my company.

    3. Colette*

      I have my work laptop on the left, my personal laptop on the right, and they share a monitor. Each one is set up to use its own screen + the monitor, which I switch back and forth as necessary. I have not yet managed to get them to use the same keyboard and mouse, so I have one for each laptop.

      I actually bought a floating desk, which I put at standing height, and a drafting chair (which is tall enough that I can sit and use the desk as well).

      1. bluephone*

        I have a MacBook for personal use, and a company-provided Dell laptop (and external monitor) for work use. Both laptops share the monitor and an external keyboard (my own). I just unplug and plug each laptop as needed (USB hub for the MacBook, Dell laptop’s own ports). It’s a little dumb but I don’t have the desk or office space to handle two totally different setups. I also don’t really want to get by without the external monitor, especially for work use. And there’s never a situation where I might be using my personal laptop for work use (our IT has pretty strict rules about that for data security reasons).
        The desk in question is from like 1994, from an Ashley Furniture-type store, with 3 drawers down the side and a long, skinny drawer under the main part of the desk. It’s a little less than 3 feet long. Hope this helps! I’m actually thinking about replacing it with one of those ladder desks just to get some floor/wall space back.

    4. fhqwhgads*

      My non-work computer doesn’t live in my office, but it’s also a laptop. So I suspect this may not help your conundrum. That said I’ve been working from home for 10 years, and I very much enjoy the complete separation of rooms.

    5. I'm A Little Teapot*

      It’s not deliberate, but my mom’s desktop is currently on my desk. I’m not working from home, but did do a bit of work last week.

      I unplugged the monitor from the desktop and put it on the laptop. Shoved the mouse and keyboard to the side. It worked pretty well actually.

    6. comityoferrors*

      I’m admittedly very fortunate to have the room to do this, but I have a large L-shaped desk. My work setup is on the long edge, and my personal setup is on the short edge. I have my desk and file organizers in the corner. It works great for me – my work setup is a docking station with a laptop and two monitors, and my personal setup is a desktop tower (on the desk because my cats shed like crazy on the floor) with another two monitors.

      I had everything intermingled before and it was wreaking havoc on my work-life boundaries. It has been so helpful to have one dedicated space for each, even if the spaces are only a 90 degree turn from each other. If you can swing two areas I would highly recommend that, whether that’s a desk like mine or two separate desks or whatever works in your space.

    7. allathian*

      My work computer is a laptop that’s connected via usb-c/displayport to my 34 in 4K monitor. My home computer is a desktop tower that my husband built that’s sitting on the floor below my desk, connected to the same monitor using hdmi. My husband got the desk for free from his office when they remodeled their space. I have separate external keyboards and mice connected to each computer and just switch as needed. Having two separate computers connect to the same monitor without needing to switch cables all the time has been great, and it’s also a space saver.

  40. Tracy McConnell*

    I have it separate. It’s important for your brain to know to switch from one thing to another. If you have a super tiny studio, then even just changing colors or what’s on your desk can help. CGP Grey has a video on YouTube about it.

    Personally, I have a sit/stand desk for work and then use my kitchen island for personal laptop. I’m on my work computer 10x more than my personal one so it works for me.

  41. Poodle grooming*

    Hi. Does anyone have any recommendations on any websites or YouTube videos on poodle grooming?

    My toy poodle has been rejected by 2 groomers already including the one recommended by our vet for getting too stressed out to be groomed. She’s super old (almost 19) so I want to reduce her stress as much as I can and do it as quickly as possible at home. It doesn’t have to be perfect – just want her to look clean and comfortable.

    The groomers and vets had no recommendations other than shave her while dry with a number 10 guard.

    Thanks.

    1. Tracy McConnell*

      I bet the shelters will have recommendations as they get stressed out animals all the time. There’s also anxiety meds if your vet recommends it.

      1. Sleeping Late Every Day*

        The humane society where we adopt has on-site grooming. But our dog still needed partial sedation (picture very stoned) and a 19-year-old dog might not handle that very well.

    2. alex b*

      I do my elderly Maltese-mix at home and have done since he was a puppy! I’ve also used this technique on my bff’s mini poodle.

      My secret: child safety scissors.

      You can do this wet or dry. Just chop chop all over quickly, taking everything shorter and snipping any knots. Hold the hair up in one hand like you see barbers do and/or zhuzh the hair with your fingers and lean the scissors against the skin.

      You can do it in areas (head/face/belly/legs/chest/back/etc) and take breaks in between. If you have a second person, they can hold her up for her belly. I do my pup by myself, usually in the kitchen sink. He doesn’t love it, but it’s way better than any alternative grooming option, and he’s always soooo much more comfortable afterward.

      I have no skills but achieve a really cute-slightly-ragamuffiny puppy cut every time. :)

    3. Sleeping Late Every Day*

      Our dog is pretty uncooperative for anything from burr removal to home trs, until my husband plopped him in the bathroom sink one day (15 pound dog). He just sits there and let’s us work on him! It’s a bathroom miracle! It’s a rather deep oval sink and I think he feels secure in it. If you can do some home clipping or snipping, the sink trick might help.

      1. Sleeping Late Every Day*

        Grrr. Home trims. Lets, not let’s. My phone is arrogantly illiterate.

  42. Abby cats*

    My husband is dealing with a complicated messy legal situation caused by his demented father refusing to do estate planning before losing his cognition. The local government is corrupt AF and has taken multiple steps that are incredibly shady and obviously intended to strip his estate of cash, with no care for his medical needs. We have spent a small fortune on lawyers, with no end in sight. My husband is on meds for his anxiety and rage. This is destroying his health.

    Now my husband has been called for jury duty. I am honestly afraid he’s going to get himself thrown in jail by losing it and cursing these people out in the courtroom. I have no idea what to do.

    1. Not a lawyer*

      That sounds very frustrating and unsettling.

      Are you in the U.S.? Many jurisdictions will allow someone to postpone to a future date without having to provide an explanation. Many jurisdictions will also make allowances for medical conditions and/or caretaking arrangements that would prevent someone from serving on a jury, though some places are more or less strict about what qualifies. It may be worth looking into the process for postponing or seeking an exemption where you’re located.

    2. Jean (just Jean)*

      How sad. I hope your father-in-law somehow survives this tangle and that your husband can find a way to accept this terrible situation before it consumes him, also.

      I also hope your husband has some way to be an unsuitable juror without having to be uncooperative (e.g. it’s a medical malpractice case and your husband is a medical doctor, or counts several among his close family or friends). From experience I know that it is very, very difficult to accept (not to like, or celebrate, just to accept and stop wishing for a solution) an unhappy situation.

      Good wishes to you as the unhappy onlooker.

      1. Generic Name*

        I’ve heard that if you express an extreme opinion on one of the topics bing tried, they usually dismiss you. I saw a potential juror for a criminal case involving police testimony be dismissed because she had lots of police officers in her family and thought that police were more honest and trustworthy than the average person. The prosecution dismissed her.

        1. pancakes*

          The person is still be participating in voire dire in this scenario. Better to postpone it.

      2. Jean (just Jean)*

        Oops, sorry…reading comprehension fail. I just remembered that you’re not in the U.S.

    3. pancakes*

      It sounds like he needs anger management classes, not just medication. Try to get jury duty postponed rather than having him go in and make something up – where I am it’s not difficult at all to postpone it.

      1. Firecat*

        Ew. This is profoundly insensitive.

        Having rage and being overwhelmed with stress during a loved ones decline =\= anger disorder. It’s not weird at all when grieving to have tantrums. Handling an estate is hard AF. Hell when my Dad died I couldn’t see the color blue very well for months. I couldn’t imagine how much harder it would have been on top of the stress of this pandemic.

        Let’s just leave OPs husband’s medical care to their Dr. and/or psychiatrist.

        1. pancakes*

          I know that handling an estate is hard from my own experience with my mother’s and my aunt’s. I don’t agree that it’s to be expected or that it’s unworthy of treatment for someone to be so angry that they might “lose it” during jury duty.

          1. Abby cats*

            It has nothing to do with the stress of handling the estate. It has to do with the people in the court process being the exact same corrupt characters who are trying to steal his dad’s money. Postponing jury duty or going to therapy isn’t going to change that.

            1. Reba*

              Right, but the idea with therapy would be to develop better coping mechanisms to be able to face these difficult facts.

        2. pancakes*

          I also want to add, people don’t need to have a “disorder” to benefit from anger management classes. From the APA: “If you feel that your anger is really out of control, if it is having an impact on your relationships and on important parts of your life, you might consider counseling to learn how to handle it better.” It seems quite clear to me that someone who fears they can’t remain in control of their anger while out in public (at jury duty, for example) could really benefit from seeing someone about it.

    4. Maxie's Mommy*

      Tell them you have bladder issues and you have to pee more frequently than the court would like (at least once an hour) and further, when you have to go, you have to go NOW. You have an appointment with a urologist but it’s not until August. You’d be a disruption to the court.

      The other way is to be a suicide bomber for the defense—you think the DA overcharges, etc. I do that and hear “the court thanks and excuses…..” quickly.

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        Wow, no. Please don’t advocate lying in a courtroom (!) to avoid getting selected for jury duty. Abby Cats doesn’t need our best lies, for one thing, and for another, I know people do this all the time but it’s still not cool, especially because Abby Cats’s husband has legitimate reasons not to be selected (or at least a legitimate argument) and there is no need to make stuff up.

        And for the record, I’ve been on a jury and it was no walk in the park, and in our case it was legitimately scary, and I still don’t recommend making up a condition or a story to avoid it.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      Have his doc write a note about not being able to do jury duty. He should not be doing jury duty right now, he has way too much on his plate.
      Make sure the note gets to the commissioner of jurors or whoever is in charge.

      It’s not a big deal to do this. I can’t sit for long periods of time. A doc wrote a note for me, the people at the commissioner’s office did not bat an eye.

      I am sure when his doc hears hubby is up for jury duty the doc will say no-no-no without any prompting.

    6. Abby cats*

      To clarify, because reading responses is making me realize I was not precise enough:

      Postponing jury duty until he’s “less stressed” is not the issue. The issue is the entire court system.

      The judges who have paved the way to lock my husband out of his dad’s decisions (we’ve been warned that if we remove FIL from the garbage carehome the judge chose, we will be charged with kidnapping). The court-appointed “guardian” who pays herself a salary while letting FIL’s medical bills go overdue. The agency for aging people who gave my husband 180-degree wrong information repeatedly, as if on purpose. I could go on.

      Jury duty is going to force him to deal with these same people. That is the problem. Time, distance, etc. is never going to make this better.

  43. Pretty Sure Mine Are Migraines*

    This is low stakes, but it’s something that’s come up a few times on this site and every time I read the comments I feel like I don’t understand, so I’m asking here (I don’t want to derail one of the actual threads).

    Whenever someone calls a migraine a ‘bad headache’, they’re quickly corrected with the information that migraines are worse than a bad headache, have additional symptoms, can leave you unable to work/drive/stand up. That makes sense. People are also told not to call bad headaches migraines, because that will further people dismissing migraines as just bad headaches. It seems like there’s an implication that a bad headache just isn’t that bad in general.

    But if a headache is bad enough that you can’t get out of bed*, that seems like something that shouldn’t be dismissed anyway, even if you don’t have other migraine symptoms. Are people dismissing incapacitating pain in general, but migraines have enough extra horrifying stuff to put them over the top? Am I misunderstanding how severe a bad headache can actually get? Or am I way overthinking this and people just want to make sure ‘migraine’ and ‘bad headache’ stay in separate categories to make precision easier?

    I’m assuming all of the standard advice on how to call in sick applies if you can’t get out of bed due to pain for any reason, so this is mostly just a ‘what’s behind people’s thought processes on this’.

    *I get stabbing pain + nausea + light sensitivity, which is classic migraine formula, but pain always makes me nauseous and I’m light sensitive to begin with, so I feel like I’m borderline for it to count as a bad headache. (no medical advice, pls)

    2. Ali G*

      I think it has to do with the perception that if someone says they have a migraine, but then are up and about later, that migraines “aren’t that bad” or “just a bad headache” and not an excuse for missing work. People who don’t get migraines think of the worst headache they’ve had and wonder why you can’t just take an Advil and get on with it.
      But everyone is different. I don’t actually get a lot of pain with my migraines, but I actually lose vision for about 10 minutes and am sick for the rest of the day (heartburn and upset stomach mostly). So after it’s “over” and I can see again, I can do work, but I stay home and close to the bathroom.

    3. Not Australian*

      There are no set symptoms that define migraine. I’ve even had them without the headache, in an extensive career of migraine suffering covering over forty years, so if you’re thinking for example ‘No visual disturbance, it’s not a migraine’ you’re mistaken.

      It’s a long time since I worked for anyone else – and the migraines were part of the reason for that – but my rule of thumb would be ‘if you’re incapacitated, it’s a migraine; if you can work through it, it isn’t’.

      This is probably no help whatsoever, but my advice would be to study how migraine works for you and make your decisions accordingly, recognising that for every individual the symptoms and the progression are probably completely different.

    4. fposte*

      I’ll throw in the complication that there are also mild migraines; they just don’t get the same press for obvious reasons. I think people who are in serious distress are trying to find ways to avoid people underestimating what they deal with, but I agree that the migraine gatekeeping doesn’t actually help them. It’s more reasonable just to stick to “My migraines mean X.”

      Whether it’s migraines or something else, you’ll always run into somebody who knows somebody who powered through or for whom it wasn’t a big thing. I think you just have to let that go and not argue definitions, just focus on the fact that you’re glad for them but it’s not that way for you.

      I also think wanting people to understand your suffering is a natural impulse but it’s not a necessary or even practical goal. What’s more important is getting the treatment or accommodation you need.

      1. Lilo*

        Yes, my migraines don’t actually hurt THAT much, but I get bad aura which makes it hard for me to read and so very hard to work.

    5. MissCoco*

      For me, the only reason I know I have migraines is because I was diagnosed by a neurologist (it’s a clinical diagnosis), and eventually I developed retinal migraines. My headaches are fairly mild, and not as bad as my sinus headaches in terms of pain. I know that’s fairly unusual for migraine, but anecdotally, I know of several people with similar experiences, who thought their headaches were “not bad enough” to be migraines.

      I think part of the focus on correctly defining migraine as distinct from simply headache is because it is so poorly understood, and also because so many people with migraines have had their experiences dismissed as “just a headache”
      Especially for sufferers of severe migraine, it can really impact many aspects of daily life, and that

    6. Girasol*

      My husband used to tell me that I had no idea what pain was when I said I had an awful headache, because he got real migraines, and he knew that I was just blowing a mere headache out of proportion. No sympathy for me! I got really bad headaches like you describe. What difference does it make whether you do or don’t have a real migraine if you can’t move? Oddly enough, one day I couldn’t see right and it was weird enough that I went to the doctor, who told me that there is such a thing as a visual migraine that comes with no headache(!?!) But there are migraines that hurt miserably with no visual symptoms, as well as migraines that come with everything. Since people with genuine migraines get sympathy and people with headaches are dismissed as whiners, I vote that you should claim migraines.

    7. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I think migraine sufferers who don’t get headaches want others to understand how debilitating they can be. Which I respect a ton– it’s frustrating to get your symptoms dismissed. Personally, my migraines are headache-based, and I always refer to them as migraines, partly so people will understand that I can’t just pop an Advil and they’ll go away. (Sometimes I do get treatable headaches, so it’s weird.)

      I think a lot of this just comes from the growing common knowledge that a migraine can be much more than head pain. But that shouldn’t dismiss a bad headache as “just” anything, because bad headaches are pretty terrible.

    8. Drtheliz*

      For me the difference is that headaches are “normal” and migraines are weird. A migraine can be triggered by humidity or chocolate, and might be solved by a ten minute nap (or rumble on for four days) and come with gastrointestinal or visual or just plain weird accompanying symptoms. A headache is helped by “conventional” remedies (aspirin, massage) and follows a simple bell-curve timeline. Also triptans are a beautiful drug that doesn’t do diddly for a bad headache.

      But I’m probably oversimplifying headaches, so what do I know?

      1. Headachey*

        As someone who has chronic daily headache that never ever goes away (going on 30 years now) AND chronic migraine, this is basically how I know when I have a migraine versus just a higher level of daily head pain – my migraines have other symptoms along with the pain and the quality of the pain is different. And the migraines respond to triptans – ending a migraine attack puts me back to a regular baseline level of pain.

    9. Cambridge Comma*

      Possibly it’s that migraine sufferers also get bad headaches sometimes that aren’t migraine, so know the and are sensitive to it, whereas people who have never had a migraine can’t distinguish?
      I’m quite headache-prone, but migraine is another league for me. I get aphasia, so completely lose the use of language for a while, and have occasionally been unable to stand up for up to five days, or had to call a doctor out because after 3 hours I couldn’t get up off the floor. It’s just not very related to headache in my experience (and I often have them without any headache).

    10. fhqwhgads*

      I can’t speak for others but my perspective on this is something along the lines of…a torn meniscus and patellar tendinitis both mean your knee probably hurts a whole damn lot. But these are not the same condition, nor do they have the same causes. So if someone says “migraine” when they mean “bad headache” (or I suppose vice versa), it’s similar to me if someone said they had a torn meniscus when they actually have patellar tendinitis. It’s not the same thing, and weird to use the two terms interchangeably just because the most well-known symptom is the same.
      That said I do think maybe you’re overthinking it a little? When I see other people comment on the migraine issue it usually has a whiff of “if you haven’t been diagnosed with migraine, don’t say you have”. Sometimes this seems to be about people who have migraine but not-always-a-headache (so the “not just a headache” angle isn’t necessarily dismissing headaches, it’s about saying “absence of headache doesn’t make this less real”). Sometimes it’s more about trying to corral misinformation.

    11. PollyQ*

      Have you seen a doctor for these headaches? Whether or not they’re Real True Migraines (TM), if they’re leaving you incapcitated, then it’s worth looking into treatment for.

    12. ampersand*

      As someone who has migraines (and currently has a headache that isn’t a migraine), I’d say that most people who haven’t had migraines don’t understand how debilitating a migraine can be and maybe are quick to point out the difference so that other people understand that they’re not just suffering from a headache. I do think very bad headaches can be as painful and debilitating as migraines (cluster headaches, IIRC, would fall into this category), but it’s my understanding that migraine involves your nerves/nervous system in a way that a non-migraine/“regular” headache doesn’t. I’ve had migraines without any pain but with all the other symptoms (nausea, dizziness, light sensitivity), and those aren’t like headaches at all. So, they’re just two very different things.

    13. RagingADHD*

      From what I understand, the term “migrane” is not about severity, but about the way it presents and the causes.

      I have had classic migranes with visual auras, though not frequently. I have also had debilitatingly painful headaches from, say, a sinus infection.

      A few times I’ve had non-migranes that hurt worse than my migranes. So there’s no telling.

      There are also types of headaches, like cluster headaches, that are technically different than migranes but can be so bad that people end their lives to escape them.

      The upshot is, if anything hurts badly enough to interfere with living your normal life, go see the doctor and get some help for it!

      In terms of calling in sick or giving excuses for missing an event, I don’t see any problem with using the word “migrane” to mean “a headache so bad you can’t function, but that is a known, non-contagious issue that will be okay later.”

      Because that’s a lot to say and it’s easier to just use one word for it.

    14. Not So NewReader*

      Some people never even get headaches so there’s that.
      I remember my father talking about a severe headache he had. It was the late 1930s. He was in NYC walking along-and the herringbone set in… he ended up sitting on a curb in NYC trying to figure out what to do. (yikes)

      I have had my own set of circumstances. I found that SOME of the people closest to me were among the least helpful and the least sympathetic- suck it down, well mine is worse than yours, and so on. It’s good that these people reveal themselves so we can know who NOT to talk to about medical concerns. My rule became keep moving until someone gets what I am talking about.

      As far as what to call “it”, I am wondering if you are worried about using the term correctly without a diagnosis?
      So in other words a doc did not say “migraine’ so you don’t want to get into trouble for seeming to over-state a problem at work without the backing of a medical authority? If this is the case I would simply say, “I am sick and I will not be in today.”

      My punchline became it does not matter what people think my concern is or is not. It does not matter that someone else is worse off because that does not automatically heal me. It does not matter if some people do not believe me. The only thing that really matters is that *I* understand and *I* get myself meaningful help.

    15. Observer*

      ? Am I misunderstanding how severe a bad headache can actually get? Or am I way overthinking this and people just want to make sure ‘migraine’ and ‘bad headache’ stay in separate categories to make precision easier?

      Yes, and Absolutely.

      Oh, and what you describe sounds like classic migraine. The fact that you get similar symptoms in other circumstances doesn’t change that.

    16. Tali*

      FWIW I had the same question about similar symptoms (severe pain, nausea, some light sensitivity) and my neurologist pulled out a little book and used the duration of time and symptom list to diagnose me with tension headaches. Technically not migraines–no aura–but just as debilitating in my experience.

      In the wild, I think many people who don’t get bad headaches tend to handwave them away as overreactions, which is rude and stupid. In response to that, people who get migraines emphasize that they aren’t normal headaches and are quite painful/difficult. So people with bad headaches that aren’t technically migraines are just caught in the middle of a marketing war.

  44. Eyes on the Bag*

    This is an anon post because reasons.
    I make a little over 40k a year. All of my debts are paid off and I contribute to a pension in my country of residence.
    Despite my low salary, I have an appetite for expensive items. I’m not an impulse shopper and take time to find deals at significant discounts. I have been eyeing a vintage bag for a few years and now am at a place with my savings where I could purchase the bag outright or on a payment plan. The bag is 3,500$. I feel like an idiot even considering spending that much on a bit of leather.
    The brand recently raised prices on the bag this year, and they have continued to raise prices over the past decade or two. A bag bought in the ’90s may have been 1,000$, but goes for close to 4K today. It is a brand that holds its value over time. Even horribly damaged pieces are sold for hundreds, if not thousands of dollars on reseller sites.

    Can anyone relate or do any of you have advice on approaching large purchases?
    My savings are not much, about three months of pre-tax income. Ideally I’d like to have at least two years worth of pre-tax income saved. By that time, this item may be re-selling for 10k. Your thoughts and advice are appreciated!

    1. fposte*

      I don’t think a low salary automatically means you’re not allowed to purchase a luxury item. I don’t know enough about other countries’ retirement systems to ask pertinent questions there, so I’ll stick to standards: do you have a budget? Does it fit within your budget? I wouldn’t dip into savings for it, so how long will it take you to save up, and what will you have to go without to get it?

      To me that’s more important than whether the bag prices go up or not, because it’s not like sometime in your life you’re obliged to get this bag. I would also make the purchase assuming little to no resale value to keep my eyes open.

      1. Eyes on the Bag*

        I am new to budgeting for specific items, but I will be getting a payment from a side job later this month that would be enough to cover the cost of the bag outright. I think I could save for it in seven months if I shifted from “saving” to “saving for bag.”

    2. BRR*

      I wouldn’t count on a hand bag as an appreciating asset. I might be misinterpreting but your post reads to me that this is a sure fire thing and that’s a really bad approach to take. Also if you’re so far under your savings goal, I think you can’t afford spending almost 10% of your income on a hand bag. And definitely don’t purchase one a payment plan. If you can’t afford to pay for a handbag in cash you can’t afford it.

      1. Eyes on the Bag*

        I could afford it in cash without the payment plan.
        The payment plan would allow me to pay it off without immediately hitting my savings. And this particular shop says it is an interest-free payment plan. They would deduct a set amount from my account monthly until the item it paid off.

        1. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

          Using your emergency fund to buy a purse is not a good idea. What if you have a sudden expense? Sounds like you can’t afford it.

          1. Eyes on the Bag*

            When I first started thinking about this purchase a few years ago, the fear of a sudden expense immediately after buying was always on my mind. Having a little more in savings is always better than having a little less.

        2. BRR*

          It’s not just about the Interest. A handbag is an item that you should always be able to afford to pay all at once. There’s a difference between having the money for something and being able to afford it (it took me a while to learn this).

    3. Still*

      One question that popped into my mind is: will you be able to actually go out with this bag and enjoy it? I know if I had an item like that, I’d be constantly worried that someone will snatch it. The pleasure of owning it would be cancelled out by the worry and not being able to put it down.

      Maybe you’re sure that it won’t be an issue for you, but it’s something to consider. Will you regret having bought it if it gets damaged or stolen? I can’t afford what I can’t afford to lose.

      1. Eyes on the Bag*

        I have been asking myself the same thing. It would not be an everyday bag. I probably worry about my items a lot more than other people. So even with something like my smartphone, which costs less than this item, I am very cautious when I take it out, it has its case, I don’t drop it *knocks on wood*.
        The anxiety of damaging something I’ve bought is something that’s always on my mind.

    4. NancyDrew*

      Life is short and all that, but…as someone who makes significantly more than 40K, I cannot imagine spending that much on a purse. Maybe do some reflecting on what it is the purse represents to you? I don’t mean that in a sarcastic way, but in a real ‘what does a purse like that give me that I don’t already have’ kind of way.

      I also do a lot of “this item costs the same as 6 months of my mortgage” or whatever the equivalent is, and then I think about whether that comparison feels right to me. I don’t know what your housing costs are, but presumably this bag would cover several months of them. How does that feel in your bones if you say it out loud?

      That said — the answer for you might be “It feels great!” And that’s ok! Like I said, life is short and hard and I believe in finding happiness. Just make sure a purse, of all things, is what will bring you said happiness!

      1. Eyes on the Bag*

        Good points, thank you. This would be roughly equivalent to four months of rent.
        Your comments have given me something to think about. What does this purse mean to me?

      2. MissB*

        This exactly.

        I make multiples more than the OP and my spouse makes double what I make. We still have a budget. I still break down luxury items like this into an equivalent hours worked at my wage rate to weigh whether it’s worth it for me to spend X hours of my life in toil in exchange for the item.

        Personally a bag would fail that test but that’s me. I don’t love designer bags. I’m an engineer and we tend to lean towards practicality.

        But I do suggest making the calculation- would you be willing to work X numbers of days/weeks/months in exchange for it?

        You may find that the idea of the bag brings you great joy but the actual item does not. Ponder the purchase for a bit. Be willing to spend the money if it will truly make you happy. But also be willing to say no.

        1. Eyes on the Bag*

          I have heard of using that method for deciding on large purchases. And honestly it’s difficult for me to answer the question. I would be willing to spend the time, not just for this, but on other items which range from possibly frivolous to necessary. If in the end I can get what I want, then I would consider that a fair deal. Whether it’s the right choice or not, however, is more difficult for me to answer.
          I don’t think I will be getting it anytime soon, but the answers here are especially thoughtful.

    5. Cambridge Comma*

      Totally depends on where you are in the world, but that sounds like a good income and more savings than the average person.
      A lot of the things you say about reselling were once true of beanie babies. I think you have to step away from considering a handbag an asset.
      Can you afford to spend 10% of your salary on a luxury without depriving anyone you have responsibility towards? Then just decide whether you want to do that or not, based on how sure you can be that your income and fixed costs will remain at their current level.

      1. jj*

        Agreed with this. One thought experiment, is how would you save and when would you spend, if you wanted to take a similarly expensive vacation? For whatever reason, folks who will shame a 4k handbag wouldn’t bat an eye if you wanted a 4k vacation. It’s the same idea, in the sense of, spending your money on what makes you happy. Personally I’d compare the average rising cost over decades, to your average increase in savings (from both setting aside and interest etc) – which is higher? If you’re hell bent on getting the bag no matter what, I’d wait if the cost is rising more slowly than your savings, and wait till you achieve your savings goal. But if the price is rising faster I’d say go for it.

        Another option to make a short / medium term savings plan for the significant savings you want and follow that schedule strictly. Anything left is left for whatever you want. Once you have the amount for the bag above and beyond the schedule you make yourself, you’d be in the clear to get it.

        1. Eyes on the Bag*

          This is a great idea that I hadn’t considered. The brand raised prices on their in-store items earlier this year and the vintage market immediately followed suit. Comparing the rate of price increases over the past few decades to how fast I could save is a great idea. Thank you.

      2. Eyes on the Bag*

        My income is fixed for this fiscal year, thankfully. I do remember the Beanie Babies craze. My mom tried to buy a few at that time assuming they’d be collectors items. That obviously didn’t happen.
        This item however has held steady over the past 30+ years.
        I would be able to take care of my responsibilities. I wouldn’t dare consider thinking about such a purchase if I thought I would need to ask someone to cover my rent or give me food.

    6. PollyQ*

      How have you felt about your past vintage purchases? Do you still use & appreciate them, and do you feel like you got a reasonable amount of enjoyment for the money you spent? I ask because for myself, sometimes the thrill of the hunt, or just the scratching of the itch, is what I’m really craving, and once I have the item in hand, I’m kinda “meh” about it.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        As a parallel, some of my more expensive purchases in life have worked out well and some not so well. I bought a spendy sewing machine. I did not use it to its fullest capacity (disappointment and other negative feelings) but it was a great machine and it got me reconnected to sewing and I did become a better sewist. (over all happy story.)

        Thinking of this as a sliding scale there have been a couple purchases that I look back on and say “wth did I buy that for?” I can’t draw anything positive out of the situation with that purchase. I get annoyed at myself even thinking about these purchases.

        You know you best. Do some “what if’s”. What if you buy this bag and fast forward to ten years from now do you think future you is happy you did this? What if you do NOT by this bag, will Future You feel let down by this choice?
        Compare it to other nice purchases you have made. It does not have to be in the same price range but it should be things that were maybe a bit beyond what you felt you should be spending. How did it go? Which purchases failed the test of time and which purchases still make you feel good years later?

        I bought a sewing machine that was close to 4k. I got sale pricing and other discounts which brought it down to 2500. That was a whumping bunch of change for me back then. I so enjoyed it. It was guaranteed for 25 years. Sure enough the mother board quit in year 26. I brought it to the recycling place about two years ago and cried as I drove. My new machine is the same brand but it’s all mechanical, it will last me the rest of my life. Some how I am just as happy knowing I will have this machine forever. I think this is because I got it out of my system, I had that nice machine, I enjoyed it while it lasted and now it’s time to be practical. Do you think this is one of those “get it out of your system splurges”?

        1. Eyes on the Bag*

          This is also a good thought experiment I haven’t tried yet. In the past when I’ve spotted a Shiny New Thing, I will do my research, and then revisit purchasing the item used a few years later.
          I don’t use my leather bags as everyday bags because I do like to keep them looking nice, and public transportation is hard on nice bags. It does feel nice to pull out a bag that’s been sleeping in storage for a few months or years. It’s like buying a new bag all over again. So, yes, I do think I generally get joy out of the purchases years later.
          I do know that this isn’t the only high-priced item I have my eyes on. That makes things a bit trickier, since there will always be another target.

      2. Eyes on the Bag*

        I do love the thrill of the hunt. Researching the history is a welcome distraction from work and everyday life. I have one bag from 1998, which I guess makes it vintage. I love the aesthetic of that bag, and have used it a good number of times. The downside is that it’s very large for my frame and can be a pain on public transportation.
        I bought it at an unthinkable price which was far less expensive than the item I’m thinking of now.
        You are correct about the ‘meh’ feeling. There’s always the next Thing that appears and makes demands for my attention. With that said, I don’t dump my purchases in a box and never look at them. They are slowly rotated out and in depending on how I feel, the season, etc. This goes the same with clothing, shoes, water bottles…notebooks.

      3. Eyes on the Bag*

        I only have one other bag from 1998 that I guess could be vintage now. Oh, my gosh, 1998 was just five years ago! That bag was purchased pre-loved at an incredible price (1/10th of the price of the bag I’m now considering). And while I do take it out to use it, it’s definitely not an everyday bag.
        The “thrill of the hunt” describes me to a T. I know myself well and I know there will always be the next “thing” that screams for my attention.

    7. Tea and Sympathy*

      Over the years I have come up with a system that works well for me in terms of budgeting and spending money. I am very mindful of how much joy something will bring me, and I spend more money only on those things that I know will bring me joy bang for the buck. For example, clothes don’t matter to me, so I won’t spend a lot of money on clothes. The expensive shirt really isn’t going to make me much happier than the cheap shirt. Same with budget vs luxury hotels when traveling – I’ll be some happier, but not a lot. On the other hand, drinking an expensive tea will make me so, so much happier than drinking tea sold at the average supermarket, so I’m willing to spend a lot on tea. I spent more and got the iPhone pro, even though I think it’s a ridiculous amount of money to spend, because I love iPhones and I knew the better camera would make me very happy. Balance and knowing what you are willing to give up in order to splurge in other areas is the key.

      In your case, the fact that you have been looking at this bag for years certainly makes it seem important to you. If you buy it, will it make you happier than if you spent the money on something else? Will it make you happy enough that you will not care how much it cost?
      Another method for especially expensive purchases – can you estimate how many years you will use it, then break it down to cost/year? Would you be willing to rent it for that price? If the answer is yes, then buy it.

      1. Eyes on the Bag*

        Your system makes a lot of sense. This comment and a few others have given me some good things to think about. I completely understand your approach to clothing and hotels. It’s good to remember that we all prioritize differently.
        The site jumped in the middle of my reply, so I am going to quickly wrap up and say thank you for the advice!

    8. Monica*

      Assuming your tax rate is around 25%, your take-home pay is around $30K. This is 11% of your total income for the year. A month and a half of your salary. I don’t know where you live but in most of the US $30K is not a lot of money. Spending that much of it on a bag when you could be funding your retirement or savings would be hard for me to justify.

      1. Eyes on the Bag*

        I agree, it is not a lot of money, which is why I am wavering on buying outright, buying with a no-interest payment plan, or waiting until I’ve saved even more money. No one in my family has ever retired, they worked until they died, or died young while working. I expect to work until I either die on the job or my body breaks down. Retirement isn’t something I’ve given much thought to because it is an unknown. Why not work when you can work?
        Additionally, I have no children and don’t plan on ever having them. I’m not married and my chances of marriage are close to zero. I’m never going to buy property. Even without factoring this item into the picture, 40k would never be enough for me to afford a home of my own. With that said, I completely agree with you which is why I wanted to get opinions from people who don’t know me.

        1. Monica*

          And if something happens to you and you can’t work when you’re older but you have to support yourself for 20 or more years, your plan is….? Or if you lose your job and it takes more than the 3 months of savings you have to find a new one?

          You cannot afford this bag. Buying it would be irresponsible. Maybe you will decide to do it anyway but based on your salary and your savings you cannot afford it. There’s lots of things I want that I can’t afford, that’s just how it goes.

          1. Eyes on the Bag*

            I’m not sure what kind of scenario you’re imagining where I can’t work but have to support myself? Like being hospitalized? Or I’ve lost a limb? Or Alzheimer’s? If I’m in a wheelchair and can’t do any kind of job without assistance, or my mental capabilities are so gone that I can’t work, I honestly don’t think a few thousand dollars would make much difference in the quality of my life at that point.
            I was in a position a few years ago where I lost my job and had to live with someone for a few months while searching for a job. I had no savings at that time, student loans, and only a bit of unemployment and random jobs to get by on. It was not something I’d ever like to repeat.
            I’m not looking to convince you to change your mind. Harsh comments like yours are the ones that have been running through my mind for years.

    9. DNALady*

      Read in another comment you could get a no interst loan – that would 100% be what I would do in your shoes.
      Down the line, showing you can pay off the loan regularly is good for your credit.

  45. Lcsa99*

    So I was awaken from a nap this afternoon by the not so lovely sounds of a waterfall in our bathroom ceiling! I ran upstairs and the neighbor, who didn’t seem all that alarmed, told us she had been cleaning a drain she normally never uses. I called the super, who went to the neighbor and then he told us the same thing and didn’t seem that concerned, just told us not to use the ceiling light (where it was leaking from) for a day or two. By then the leak had stopped so we’re just confused by the whole thing. Is it really feasible that a drain in one apartment could lead to the one below? Is it really fine that we had water coming from our ceiling? After a shot to calm our nerves we’re just left with a big wtf and hope someone more knowledgeable can shed some light for us.

    1. Filosofickle*

      AFAIK there is no circumstance where water coming through your ceiling isn’t a problem. That means there’s a leak in the pipes. Water is supposed to stay IN the pipes.

      Recently my leaking kitchen faucet caused a ceiling leak downstairs :/

    2. Not a super, either*

      No, that does not make sense. I wouldn’t necessarily call in an emergency weekend plumber if it were a tiny leak with a known/temporarily preventable source, but under no circumstance is “it’s fine” an adequate response to what you’ve described.

    3. Llellayena*

      OMG no! Electricity plus water equals BAD! That’s not just “cleaning out an unused drain” somewhere along that water line that they “don’t use” is a leak…into your ceiling. You should insist that there be an inspection of the plumbing AND the electrical by a professional (who is not necessarily the super) because that combo can cause an electrical short (basically fire)!

      1. pancakes*

        Yes. And who has an “unused drain” in their bathroom? I don’t know what that’s supposed to mean.

        1. fhqwhgads*

          Either it’s a second bathroom and the shower in there doesn’t get used unless there are guests, or it could be a bathroom with a separate tub and shower, and one of those gets used and not the other. We had an issue once where we hadn’t used one shower for maybe six months? I don’t remember exactly what problem it caused, but we freaked out and called a plumber and it took him about 15 minutes to realize it was because we hadn’t used that one drain. Had us run the shower for 5 minutes. Problem went away. This was in a single story house, so there was no issue of water going through any ceilings but the lesson was: run the shower for a minute a month if no one’s using it. Point is: unused drain is a thing and can cause issues.

          1. pancakes*

            It is less likely to be a thing in apartment living, which is what I assumed OP was referring to when they said that an upstairs neighbor was the source of the leak and that their super was dismissive. I do realize that many people who live in single-family homes often have bathrooms that don’t get as much use as others, but it doesn’t sound like this is a single-family dwelling.

            1. fhqwhgads*

              I did realize it wasn’t about a SFH, which is why I specified mine was, since I know it’s slightly different. But I still think the idea of an “unused” drain applies in an apartment (or condo) context, if someone has more than one bathroom, or separate shower and tub in a single bathroom.

          2. Filosofickle*

            Agreed that unused drain is a thing and can cause issues. However, the water is still supposed to stay inside the pipes! I just can’t see a scenario where anything coming through their ceiling is okay. That’s either something overflowing or a going through a hole that shouldnt’ be there.

    4. Maxie's Mommy*

      Did you ask them how many days before your ceiling has a mold problem? Will they need to replace your ceiling?

    5. Anima*

      Sorry to tell you, but you have a problem now. My neighbor above us had unscrewed the drain somehow as he bathed his kids and the water didn’t leave the tub, and the whole bathtub full of used bathwater ran through our bathroom, and then he did run fresh water to clean up. It came through our lights. We had to have the whole ceiling replaced, because the wood were the lights were set in got wet and could rot. Please make a stink with your landlord, this is not fine!

    6. The New Wanderer*

      I was the upstairs neighbor in a similar situation. I regularly used my shower but once I used Drano to improve drainage and my downstairs neighbors ended up with a ceiling leak situation. They came up to ask me about it – I guess make sure I hadn’t left the water running and flooded my own bathroom or something, There wasn’t anything I myself could do about it so they had to take it up with property management. We assumed it got fixed after they had a plumber come check out the downstairs neighbors’ bathroom, but about 6 months later I used Drano again and same thing happened. I felt really badly at that point but there shouldn’t have been anything to cause that problem if they’d done proper repairs. I moved a month or two later so have no idea what any kind of long term solution would have been.

      What could be happening – this happened in our current house. Our upstairs bathroom was renovated and shortly after that, when the upstairs shower was being used I immediately heard water rushing through the walls downstairs. Turns out the plumber had done a shoddy job and misaligned the drainage pipe so almost half the water was just draining into the open space between walls. We got it cleared up before mold became an issue, but a misaligned pipe or one with corrosion will cause this. It’s not a “just don’t use the light” situation, in addition to the electrical risk that apartment is definitely going to have a mold problem.

      1. ThatGirl*

        Long term regular Drano use can corrode pipes, not saying your two uses did that but they may have been the final straw for those pipes.

    7. Lcsa99*

      Thanks everyone. It’s good to know we aren’t worried for nothing. She emailed us sounding more apologetic than she did at the door but when we asked her to get it checked out she said she just won’t use that drain again (which is apparently her shower, which she’s been using for storage. I just dont understand). Either way we’re not sure where we can go from here and will likely just hope for the best.

      Gulp.

      1. Deanna Troi*

        It really isn’t the responsibility of the tenant to get it checked out. I would send an email to the property owner or manager and say that you are concerned about fire and mold because of water coming into contact with the electrical wires and that it needs to be examined by a qualified plumber and electrician. If that doesn’t work, there should be code enforcement or some other office in your municipality where you can file a complaint.

    8. Dark Macadamia*

      This happened in our apartment last year. The upstairs neighbor’s washing machine flooded and the water was coming through our kitchen lights. It was scary but didn’t end up being a big deal – I don’t even remember what we did! Just kept the light off that day? Maintenance came and kind of dried everything out, and they were already replacing the washer when I called about the leak so it got resolved pretty fast.

      It seems concerning that this happened for a drain, though, unless cleaning the drain caused water to go where it doesn’t belong?

    9. Not So NewReader*

      Call code enforcement and ask them to look at it?
      Does 911 have a non-emergency number where a fireperson can come to take a look up there for you?

      Shut off the circuit breaker to that light until you know what’s up.
      I lost shingles off a roof during a nasty rain storm. Of course the water came in through the light fixture. I shut off that circuit then called around for help.

      The is no need to be confused here. Most of what you have here does not matter- the hows, the whys, who apologized etc. What actually matters is that you have a wet ceiling with an electrical light in it. That is what matters. Everything else is extra stuff.

      I guess it is possible for the drains to be connected between apartments. I do know that code enforcement would be very happy to discuss these finer points with you and let you know what local codes allow in apartment buildings. I am kinda angry on your behalf, I hope you are able to get this fixed soon.

  46. Emily Elizabeth*

    Does anyone in the AAM community have a Ruggable rug? If so, what are your thoughts on how well it works and how easy it is to clean/realign? If anyone can speak to getting cat urine stains out of it, all the better! Everyone here has been a great source of help before with my cat who likes to torment me by peeing on everything, and her latest venture has been to ruin a second area rug out of what seems like true spite lol. I’ve read mixed review of Ruggable; some people seem to love it and have no problems, whereas other reviews mention the difficulty in re-laying it down after washing it or that pee smell still lingers after washing.

    1. Ali G*

      I have 2! One as soon as you walk in the front door and one in the kitchen. I love them. They really do just go in the wash and dryer. The bigger one (runner) is a pain to realign and is easier with 2 people, but doable for one.
      I haven’t had pee on mine, but I have had bacon grease, wine (I treated with wine away) and tons of dirt on mine that all came out in the wash.
      Also their customer service is great.

    2. tangerineRose*

      Have you taken your cat to the vet for a check-up since this peeing started? Have you checked with the vet about this issue specifically? Sometimes when a cat pees on stuff, it indicates a health issue.

      Sometimes it means the kitty is stressed for some reason – Feliway is supposed to help with that.

      1. Emily Elizabeth*

        We took her to the vet the last time she was doing it frequently (rug #1) and no issue, but we have another appointment scheduled next week in case. My only guess is a certain preference for material or texture. We’ve always had carpet and one jute rug as well that she’s never touched, but one rug last year and then a new one we just got she decided were much more preferable than her litter box. We’ve had Feliway, used sprays, etc, and didn’t seem to have an effect for either rug unfortunately.

    3. BRR*

      I know two people with them and both say the same. Being able to clean them is great but aligning them is a pain and they don’t lie flat.

    4. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I have a big one. I’ve washed it once in 4 months and while it took a while to dry, it looks great. Oddly, I had the toughest time aligning it when we first got it but it was much easier after washing, probably because I knew what I was doing.

      I can’t speak to cat pee, but dog barf came right up.

    5. ThatGirl*

      We have one! No cat pee, but the dog peed on it once.

      I’d recommend a spot enzyme cleaner too, you want something that specifically targets the urine. But the rug cleaned up nicely and I didn’t notice any lingering smells.

        1. Emily Elizabeth*

          We’ve used more generic brand enzyme cleaners as well as Bubbas Super Strength with no luck so far, but I’ve yet to try some others I’ve heard recommended like Nature’s Miracle.

          1. ThatGirl*

            We use Natures Miracle and it has an odd odor of its own, but it seems to work well.

    6. RosyGlasses*

      I have a smaller one for the entry way and it can be a pain to replace it on the bottom pad, but it washes so great and helps keep the dog smell down that I wouldn’t trade it. Thinking of getting a few others for high traffic areas as well. Haven’t had to clean a pee accident off it yet so can’t speak to that.

      1. Emily Elizabeth*

        That’s definitely the debate – it’s a really enticing sounding trade off at the moment to have some hassle for no pee smell. Thanks!

    7. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I have two, one runner in my front hallway and one 9×12 in my living room. I haven’t removed and washed the big one in its entirety and probably won’t, barring like full-on bloody murder in my living room, because I don’t have enough room in my house to move all the living room furniture off it at the same time :P But I have used a carpet steam cleaner on it to clean up both dog and cat accidents (both liquid and solid) and barf, tomato sauce and soda, and it’s cleaned up just fine with no residual visual stains or odors. The smaller one doesn’t give me any trouble at all putting it back down after I take it up. It’s long, so I didn’t put it in my washing machine — I took it out back and took the pressure washer to it, which worked a treat, then hung it over the deck railing to dry.

      I love mine. They’re fairly thin, which is my personal preference – I don’t like high-pile rugs – but not so thin that when I’m standing on it barefoot, I can feel where the lines between the tiles are in the tile floor underneath, if that makes sense. The big one did take three of us to get down, though most of that was one person to hold up this piece of furniture, two people to align the rug under it. The smaller one, I did solo with no problems.

    8. MissB*

      I have two runners for the back hallway- the longest one and the shorter one. I also have a 5×7 for the entryway.

      All three rugs are there because I have two dogs and these are pathways for them to come into the house with muddy feet. They don’t pee on them so I can’t comment on that but they leave hair and mud and probably chicken poop on them, lol.

      Super easy to wash and dry. I pull them up myself and put them back in myself. It isn’t overly complicated to do- I set one short edge on each rug and then walk it back. Sometimes I have to start again because I don’t align it right. I use my foot to smooth wrinkles, or peel up a corner to reset just that corner.

      One runner tends to get a curled edge but I face it towards the wall rather than the door so it doesn’t matter. I’m not careful about taking them out of the dryer immediately. One trick I’ve heard of is to take them out very slightly damp and place them. I’m sure that would work, but I’m always washing them on a weekday when I’m multitasking with calls and meetings.

      They magically come clean. I’m a fan.

  47. Nicole76*

    I’ve been wanting to get an Apple pencil for my iPad after seeing the cool digital planners people use, but I’m not sure how often I’ll actually use it. Therefore, I was thinking of getting a 3rd party pencil since they’re much cheaper. Has anyone used a non-Apple pencil and liked it?

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I have a Logitech Crayon that works fine. I like my actual Apple Pencil better, but the Logitech one is perfectly suitable.

    2. The New Wanderer*

      My daughter bought a 3rd party pencil to use with a drawing program and she said it worked great. I don’t know the brand (don’t think it was a name brand like Logitech) but runs about $30 (USD) on Amazon and she’s had no issues with it.

  48. WoodswomanWrites wondering about custom pants*

    Hi have a couple pairs of Gramicci’s old style of Original G cotton pants for women with the gusseted crotch and elastic waist with a sewn-in webbing belt. Unfortunately, Gramicci doesn’t make this particular version anymore. My The ones I have are falling apart and I’m considering finding someone to use one of the pairs as a pattern to make me customized new ones. I’ve never done this before, and it would be great to hear how to find someone, a rough estimate of what it might cost, and how happy you’ve been with the result.

    1. NoLongerYoung*

      I don’t do it any more, but there’s actually at least one book on how to slip a pattern from an existing favorite, and create a new sewing pattern. Can’t tell you how much to have it done.

      Did you check eBay? They do have some, but not sure if they are the same ones you are looking for. (I have been lucky, set up a search for an item number, and it runs regularly and messages you when someone lists something – I had a favorite I was trying to find). So I completely understand.

      1. WoodswomanWrites wondering about custom pants*

        Yep, I’ve checked eBay and other used clothing sites and there’s nothing. Thanks for the tip about the sewing pattern and for creating an alert for what I’m looking for, which I hadn’t thought of.

    2. RagingADHD*

      You’re looking for a tailor or seamstress who does custom orders. If you can’t find someone local via google, try asking at bridal shops and dry cleaners.

      Pricing varies incredibly widely, so you’ll just have to ask around.

      Unless they come very highly recommended and you’ve sen samoles of their work, Id advise ordering just 1 pair to start, in a less-expensive fabric. I’ve seen some people charge money for work that would get a failing grade in middle school home-ec. You don’t want to invest a lot until you know what they can do.

  49. Car Question?*

    I’m just going to put this out there and see what other people think. The automatic transmission in my car is going out and apparently this is a fairly common and well-known issue for the make and model of car I own. I feel bad because I bought it new and I’ve maintained the car with regular oil and fluid changes and all that kind of stuff. Even though the it is more than 15 years old, it still looks very good. The paint has held up very well (a few door dings and chips in the paint on the bumper covers) and the engine itself runs well and doesn’t use any oil.

    The current transmission could be replaced with a new one, but that costs almost twice the value of the car ($4,000.00 for a new transmission). Or the current transmission could be rebuilt (or replaced with a rebuilt transmission) which will cost about as much as the value of the car ($2,000.00). Most rebuilt transmissions have a one-year warranty, which doesn’t seem very long to me. However, I have been warned that no one supposedly knows how to properly rebuild the automatic transmission for this make and model of car and that they usually only stay rebuilt for about a year or so before they go bad again.

    Another option that I’ve been told to seriously consider, is to replace the transmission with one from a wrecked car, which seems kind of dodgy to me. I’m afraid that a replacement from a wrecked car might have the same problem as the original transmission. Also, I think it might be hard to find one from a similar car that is about 15 years old. Supposedly this would cost between $1,200 to $1,500.

    I haven’t really looked at used cars very seriously because I keep hearing about inflated used car prices. I am seriously considering a new car, but it doesn’t seem to be a very good time to buy one now. In general, it seems like there are very limited selections of the kinds of cars I’d like to replace my current one with and the deals and discounts being offered don’t seem to be as good as they were even 2 or 3 months ago. I started out looking at lower-priced mid-sized pickup trucks, then worked my way down to compact CUVs, then mid-sized sedans, and now I’m looking at compact sedans. Maybe a Honda Civic or a Toyota Corolla, even if I don’t get a great deal on one? If I get a new car I would probably keep it for at least 1o years and maybe longer.

    What would you do in this situation?

    1. Opinions, I've Had a Few*

      When I was told that about my car, they told me it had about 900 miles left on the transmission. I drove it for another three years (well over 900 miles) so unless you’re experiencing serious issues, they might just be trying to give you a hard sell. With my car, there were some noises and a timing gap in the belt but nothing serious to spend the money on a new transmission. Maybe get a second opinion?

      Otherwise, I’d buy new. Yes, the haggling aspect of car buying is all but gone during the post-COVID world, but you can still get really good interest rates (or none at all) and trade-in values are pretty high due to a need for used cars. The 4th of July will bring more car deals.

      1. Generic Name*

        I recently bought a truck at one of those “no haggle” places. While the price wasn’t negotiable, the rates and terms of the loan absolutely were.

    2. Generic Name*

      I’d buy a car I could afford before my current car broke down. It’s a lot easier to sell a car they is functioning, even if it needs repairs than it is to offload a car that is non functional. Plus, can you live your life for a brief time if you don’t have a working vehicle? I guess you could wait for car prices to go down and hope your current one doesn’t die in the middle of the highway or something. I personally wouldn’t take that risk.

    3. Ali G*

      Is this a Toyota 4Runner? Because it sounds 100% like what happened to my husband. He did rebuild the transmission and within a year the check engine light came back on. He took it back to the guy that did it, and the guy basically tweaked something so the light would go off and it could pass inspection. Bought my husband a year to get a new car. Apparently they had an issue where fluid starts to leak onto the transmission and once it starts it hard to permanently fix it. If it’s an old 4Runner I would replace it.
      He also used True Car to buy his new car and it was a lot better than just walking onto the lot. Of course you have to know what you want (he got another 4Runner since the first one lasted 13 years before going south).

    4. Reba*

      I would not replace the transmission on a 15 year old car. (I have spent too much money on a beloved old car, just leads to heartbreak :) )

      A compact sedan is pretty darn different from a mid-size pickup — sounds like you are not sure what you really need?

      1. Generic Name*

        I’m guessing OP looked at compact pickups and was amazed at the price and dialed down their expectations from there. My husband’s 2013 used truck cost more than my new compact SUV. But yes, if you need a truck for work, a civic isn’t going to allow you to haul lumber.

    5. Sleeping Late Every Day*

      My rule of thumb is usually ONE major repair per car. After that, it’s time to cut your losses. We’re in that position now with a 16 year old car. It had only minor basic maintenance and repairs until this year, but now it’s having a serious mid-life crisis (okay, senior crisis) and we’re shopping. It’s a horrible time to buy, though.

    6. There’s probably a cat meme to describe it*

      Don’t throw good money after bad. If the repairs cost more than half the value of the car it’s time to get a new one.

      I had a similar situation although in my case it was a manual gearbox and clutch. It happened out of nowhere and the car was suddenly not drivable. The car was worth maybe $10k good, and I was looking at $6k for a new gearbox and clutch, or $4k to attempt to recondition the damaged one. And this happened only a few months after I’d just sunk $3k into it for routine maintenance. Pain in flipping backside.

      I ended up selling the car for parts for $3.5k, and making do with public transport and sharing a vehicle with my partner till I could afford to buy a brand new one with a long warranty. It wasn’t really how I wanted to spend my money but I have never regretted it… I didn’t realise how stressful cars can be till I bought a reliable one that I never have to think about.

      I would only do whatever maintenance you can cheaply just to keep it going in the meantime while you search a new car you’re reasonably happy with.

    7. Observer*

      I’ll also say, time for a new car. The real question is whether you can wait a bit or not.

    8. acmx*

      I think all car prices are currently inflated. I think there’s the issue of chip shortage for new cars?

      Personally, I’d probably wait until it failed and then replace the transmission (depending on what the mechanic said. Maybe I’d just replace the transmission now). I had very similar circumstance: 4k parts+labor for my 16 year old vehicle. I don’t plan on selling it so I don’t care what the value is. For me the value is I don’t have to have a car payment (or deplete my savings). Or figure out what to replace it with :)

      1. Observer*

        The thing is that when you are spending that much on a repair, you quickly wind up depleting your savings anyway. Because this is generally not that last big ticket item that you are going to have to spend on. And in a case like this, the chances are that the actual problem is going to recur, especially if they take the less expensive option. What can easily wind up happening in cases like this is that over the course of a couple of years, you wind up spending more than a new car would have cost you along with the aggravation of the repairs and the possibility of being without a car when you really need it.

        1. acmx*

          Not sure what you mean by “cases like this”. It sounds like other than a transmission with a known problem the vehicle is mechanically sound.

          I said what I would do/did. It’s not the only choice.

    9. CatCat*

      I’m dealing with a similar situation with a car a few years older. My decision is focused on how much more life could I get out of the car with the fix, and what it would cost to replace it.

      My car has just under 100k miles on it. It’s a typically reliable “high end” brand that could go another 100k with the fix. For me, that’s years of life remaining on the car. Though the fix is very expensive, I’m not going to get a better or even comparable car for that amount of money. Because of this, the fix will be worth it.

    10. The Other Dawn*

      I honestly wouldn’t put any money into your current car given the age and current value. If it was half the age with much more value, that would be different. If your financial situation allows it, go for a new car.

    11. merope*

      I think there is a kind of false comparison in taking the current value of your car and comparing it to the cost of the repairs, because the real choice is actually between the cost of the repairs and the cost of a new vehicle. Whether you repair the current car or buy a new car, you are planning to spend anywhere from $1200 to $????, of which the maximum repair cost would be around $4000. The question you need to answer is whether you want to spend that money on a car you love that still runs well and looks good but that will continue to cost money to repair, or buy a new car that you aren’t really enthusiastic about that will have some warranty for at least the first half of its life.

      When I came to this choice, I picked the new car, but that’s because the old one had several inconveniences: it was a VW (this was just as the VW emissions scandal was breaking) and it ran on diesel (which was not always easy to find when travelling in new towns). You would not be wrong to make a different choice if that is what works best for you.

      1. Observer*

        of which the maximum repair cost would be around $4000

        That’s actually not the case though. In a car of that age, with this kind of problem, you are looking at paying a lot of money on a series of repairs. If you instead by a new car, you wind up spending the same money, but you avoid the issues of needing constant repairs and in most cases, you get a better car. There are, for instance some significant improvements in safety over the past 15 years.

        There are situation where that’s not the case, but in this type of situation, it’s generally true.

        1. merope*

          I meant for this particular issue; of course there is a strong possibility of greater costs going forward. But I don’t think we are disagreeing on the possibility of spending money, just whether the comparison ought to be: current car worth $X, repairs are compared to the current value of the car; or cost of repairs compared to cost of a new car.

    12. Colette*

      Before I bought my first car, I read that cars need major repairs every 5 years; if you do the repairs you’re good for another 5. That proven mostly true, but it’s important to realize that the repairs aren’t always a single thing. So at 15 years, with one repair that is roughly the value of the vehicle, I’d look at replacing the car. If you get it fixed and get in a fender bender on the way home, insurance is going to write off the car.

  50. It's Quarantime!*

    Thank you all for your kind responses.
    A big reason why I’m so disappointed/frustrated is that this specialist IS associated with a long haul covid clinic at the local university research hospital.
    That’s why I went to him.
    I had the referral from my primary doc and everything. They’ve been majorly hyping the opening of this clinic as a source of cooperative learning and instead of, you know, trying to learn anything, I was immediately told that “covid is mysterious”, that I should seek therapy, and sorry, he can’t recommend any therapy providers because all the ones associated with the school hospital have year long waiting lists. No offers of testing, no suggestions of other types of medical providers might be helpful.
    I left, even more confused and frustrated than I had arrived.
    Oh, and at some point they’ll be sending me a bill for this farce.

    1. Reba*

      Oh dear, that must have felt like running into a brick wall. Completely understandable that you are frustrated!

  51. It's Quarantime!*

    Oops, nesting fail. Please see/reply in my previous post.
    Sorry Alison, please delete if necessary.

  52. Mimmy*

    Suggestions for reducing bruising?

    I took a nasty spill earlier today and now have a GIANT bruise forming on my arm. We’re going up to Cape Cod for a family gathering later this week (leaving Thursday) and would love for it to not be highly visible if it all possible. I’m somewhat prone to falling and bumping into things, so I’m sure I’ll get the “you need to be more careful” comments too :/

    2. Queer Earthling*

      Arnica gel or Tiger Balm might help, as mentioned. Can you take a hot bath and submerge it? That can help a lot with reducing bruises, especially if it’s still forming.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Willow bark and ice is my go-to.
      Willow bark inspired aspirin. But I get better results than with aspirin. You can get it at grocery stores etc, or you can go to a health food store. The double strength is way more expensive and not worth the extra cost- imo.

      My husband fell off his motorcycle as he was getting off it. He had the largest bruise I have ever seen on his arm. We iced it and he took willow bark. In about an hour it went down by 75%. Understand it was still awful looking, but at least I could restrain myself from calling an ambulance.

      Second story. A friend who lives alone broke her little toe. She could not get a shoe on therefore could not carry in her firewood etc. I raced over with my trusty willow bark. She called the next day to say her shoe was on her foot- not fully cured, of course, but definitely better.

      Keep the bottle on hand. It also works great on sinus congestion- again, my opinion of course.

    4. mreasy*

      I’m not above putting concealer on a bruise to avoid comments. Will come off in the water but at least you can keep the attention away other times. Also…whoever is telling a grown adult “you should be more careful” is being annoying.

    5. Sparkles McFadden*

      You may not have time to find this, but what you need is Dit Da Jow. It’s a topical made for bruises and is widely used by martial artists. I’ve seen it sold commercially now (even on Amazon), though I’ve never tried an off-the-shelf versions. I learned how to make it years ago and I will also buy it from the guy who taught me how to make it.

      Not So NewReader’s willow bark suggestion is good too. The idea is to clear the pooled blood and willow bark, like aspirin, acts as a blood thinner.

  53. Tracy McConnell*

    I recently got a sectional sofa that I love, but it didn’t even occur to me it should face the other direction because of where the AC/heat wall unit is. (I never had one like this before.)

    I was thinking I would order the sectional again going in the opposite direction, but it’d take like 3 months to get here, so by the time I have it I’ll already be halfway through my year lease. Also I feel bad because it’s basically brand new, and I’ve heard it’s impossible to sell furniture online unless it’s hard (like a table or desk) but I don’t know if that is true or not). I can afford to buy it again, but I feel kind of guilty, like I’m being wasteful.

    I read that you need to put the sofa at least 2 feet away from the wall to not block the air, and it still blows on it, which I read isn’t good for your furniture or HVAC efficiency.

    It’s just making me incredibly anxious and I don’t want to feel guilty about it. I feel like if I just leave it how it is it’s like saying that I’m just waiting to move out.

    1. Not A Manager*

      By the time you have your new sofa, you’ll already be halfway through your lease, so you are kind of just waiting to move out. I’d try to work with the furniture you currently have.

    2. RagingADHD*

      Are you, in fact, planning to renew your lease and stay long term?

      Because the A/C is unlikely to ruin your sofa in a matter of months. Unless you love the apartment and definitely want to keep it, there’s no point paying for a long-term solution to a short-term problem

      And if you don’t know yet, it’s okay to let it ride a while until you make up your mind.

      Is this talk about guilt & anxiety hyperbole, or is this actually worrying you to the point that you’re having anxiety symptoms? Because if so, you should talk to somebody about that. It’s not worth feeling that bad over.

    3. Kiwiapple*

      I think this isn’t about the sofa but is manifesting as the sofa. And if it is about the sofa…
      Either option = therapy

      1. Tracy McConnell*

        I should have therapy because I’m anxious about throwing out a couch that’s brand new because I’ve got it in the wrong direction for my apartment?

        1. RagingADHD*

          If it’s truly making you incredibly anxious, like you’re losing sleep over it or preoccupied with it when you should be doing other things, or you’re getting physical symptoms of stress, or if you feel like you “have to” change the couch because it’s “incorrect”, then yes. That’s an over-reaction.

          If it’s just a turn of phrase, then of course not. Because there’s no need to throw it out anyway.

    4. Generic Name*

      This is an interesting dilemma. Your last sentence sounds like you’re having a conversation. Who is it you’re talking to? Yourself? Saying you’re just waiting to move out to who? Does it matter if you ARE just waiting to move out? I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard people say they’re just waiting for their lease to be up so they can move. It’s super common and not at all shameful. It sounds like you’re beating yourself up no matter what you choose.

    5. The teapots are on fire*

      It’s not a huge deal at all. If there’s a vent right behind your sofa you can probably get a little plastic redirection gizmo to blow the air up the wall instead of directly onto the sofa. And if the air isn’t moving quite right you can get a small fan. Really, you should not lose a second of sleep over the relative locations of your vent and your sofa. Kick back on your fabulous sectional with a book and a mimosa and enjoy.

  54. Pregnant during COVID*

    I just came across two llamas living their best life at a property on Teapot Lane in my town and if that isn’t the most Ask A Manager thing ever I don’t know what is!

    4. There’s probably a cat meme to describe it*

      Was there a stand out the front selling them good Hawaiian rolls?

  55. All the cats4 me*

    What would you do?

    We live downwind of our (small town) neighbors across the alley. They LOVE to have an outside fire,winter, summer, any time at all. Fine, go for it.

    Depending on the wind, we get a seemingly direct funnel of wood smoke through any random open window. And we are the people who LOVE to have our windows open year round. Sometimes if it is blizzarding or below -20C we’ll close them. Or now, when it is 30+C and we have the air conditioner running.

    So, the wood smoke can be meh, too much at times, so I grumble a bit and close whichever windows seem to be worst affected.

    However! Last night, once the sun went down and it was cooler, we opened all our windows. Typically, they had had an outside fire (why? Just why? It was nearly 30C yesterday. Anyhow, I digress).

    Apparently, shortly before we shut off the a/c and opened our windows they decided to douse the fire to put it out. You know how when you do that, and it’s ‘out’ but still making hideous acrid unpleasant noisome smoke? Yeah, like that. Our entire house was filled with this unwelcome aftereffect. Including bedrooms, which are closest to their house, and where we, you know, try to sleep? Where we like to have the windows open in the summer to enjoy the summer air? Gag, cough.

    I mean. The constant billowing woodsmoke, I have dealt with, if not enjoyed. But this!

    I don’t think they have any idea of the effect we get, and I want to approach them and advise/ask/request/plead so they know, but ….. I have no intention and don’t feel it is my perogative to ask/tell them they can’t have a fire, but, AITA? I guess that is the first thing to sort out. If I am NTAH, what is a good way to approach this?

    1. RagingADHD*

      I mean, you’re not the AH for being bothered, but I can’t imagine what you could reasonably ask them to do differently, as long as the fires are legal.

      Maybe you could ask them not to douse it because that makes the smoke worse?

      1. All the cats4 me*

        Yeah, I wouldn’t/won’t ask/tell them “don’t have fires every.damn.night”, because its not up to me, AND they are basically really good neighbors, AND sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night gagging and rush around to close windows because a skunk had a little scare, or the local wastewater ponds are fermenting (oh that reminds me, that is probably due to happen this week with the heat) so it is not like we don’t live with other unenjoyable things.

        Thanks for the AH level confirmation!

        1. BRR*

          While not a visually attractive solution, Home Depot sells an activated charcoal window air filter. That might help with the smoke and other occasional smells.

        1. Generic Name*

          That’s A LOT of fires. I’m kind of wondering if they’re burning trash or at least yard waste.

    2. nnn*

      An alternative to asking them not to have a fire might be asking them to give you a heads-up (maybe a quick text) when they’re about to have a fire, so you can close your windows.

      The benefit of that approach is the conversation gives you a bit of an opportunity to mention how the fire affects you, but you’re not in any way being (from their POV) the naggy neighbour who wants them to stop doing the fun thing.

      It’s still a bit of an ask (we shouldn’t have to report in to our neighbours just because we want to do a perfectly legal thing on our own property), but it’s a lot milder and comes across as a lot more cooperative and well-intentioned than asking them not to have fires at all.

      1. There’s probably a cat meme to describe it*

        Yeah, do this.

        I’ve been the fire-having neighbour and didn’t realise the smoke was drifting next door till one day the neighbour pointedly coughed while running out to rescue her laundry. I took the hint and now text her a few hours in advance. I’m also a lot more careful about what goes on the fire so it produces minimal smoke.

      2. Sparkles McFadden*

        Yes, I did this with neighbors who had one of those chimineas. I’d ask for a heads up so I could close the windows. This was not a nice neighbor, but she did so. It’s a pretty reasonable request and the fire-loving neighbors don’t realize it’s a problem.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      I have a similar but less serious problem here.

      I am wondering if you can invite them over after one of their fires. Just sit there with the windows open and visit like you don’t notice anything and see what they say….

    4. Jay*

      Is the issue one of wind direction blowing smoke right at your home? If so, is there any chance they might be amenable to having a wind-break of some kind near the fire?
      Or between your home and the fire?
      Closer to the fire would probably be better, as the break would not need to be as large.
      These could come in the form of anything from an old blanket/tarp hung up in such a way as to disrupt the flow of the smoke to free standing barriers of various materials to lines of trees.
      I can’t speak to the economics of your situation, but they also have outdoor fireplaces/pits that have proper chimneys that channel smoke upwards.
      Home made versions of those were real status symbols among the folks I used to hang around with when I lived in the Rural South. The more stuff it did, the better. I’ve seen ones that had grills, stoves, fed smoke sheds, and plenty of other stuff. Made out of everything from old cars and salvaged junkyard parts to bricks to cement to home made clay to marble.
      If it would not be an undue burden, you might suggest one of these (or be a bit more subtle and gush about this “amazing” one you saw in a catalogue “and I thought of you as soon as I saw it” or something similar).
      Heck, if the only way to keep your sanity in your own home is to go halvsies on a the cheapest firepit Home Depot has, it might just be your best option.

    5. Bobina*

      I’m also a person who has had to ask neighbours to try and reduce doing a thing that they are perfectly entitled to do (in my case it was where they were parking a van) – and I’ve found as long as you arent pushy, explain why thing X is a problem and ideally propose a simple solution – unless they are complete AHs, then they will either politely say no (in which case at least you tried) or try and accommodate you if they can.

      So in this case, I’d wonder about things like, can they have the fire in a different part of the garden which might mean less smoke for you? As someone else suggested, give you a headsup when they are about to do it? Basically, you dont want to say: “Dont have a fire”, but “If you’re going to have a fire, could you do X so that we are less affected by it”

    6. identifying remarks removed*

      Are they having the fires in a particular location every time? If so could you ask them to move the location of the fire? It may be they’re using the one place in the yard that funnels the smoke to your house. And wind/fire break as recommended by others should help.

  56. Kari*

    How do you differentiate between a commitmentphobe or someone just very afraid of marriage? I’m asking for me. Ive been in 4 year relationship with my partner and have been happy. We live together too. He wants to get married, but I have hesitated and the thought makes me panic. I thought this might be a sign that he’s not the right partner, but I don’t think so. I’ve felt this way with every partner. My parents have an awful marriage, still are married for their kids (“Divorce isn’t good and we’re too old to get divorced anyways” is what they say to us.) I have never had a happy role model for marriage. Many of my friends who married before me (I’m 29) have divorced, and they say it’s such a painful process. Then again, I have friends who tell me that if I have someone who wants to marry me, I should take the opportunity (?? I’m not that desperate to marry though?) the only upsides I see to marriage in general is taxes and health insurance.

    I always thought that once I found the “right” person, all my fears about marriage would melt away. Now all I can think is that we’ll get married, turn into my parents, be miserable, and not get divorced because it’s so frowned upon and such a hard process. But there is a small part of me that would like to marry as my partner is very excited about it and maybe a small part of me is too.

    Has anyone felt this way? If so, how did you sort yourself out?

    1. Kiwiapple*

      Have you ever had counselling/therapy about this/your parents marriage? Because I would start there. Hopefully others can chime in with other recommendations like books but I suspect therapy is a main way to “sort yourself out”. And it’s ok to not want to get married. There are many other options instead e.g. a commitment ceremony.
      Another upside to being married is health issues – if you or your partner were admitted to hospital would you be allowed to see them?

    2. Mourning reader*

      I’ve always felt this way, but I haven’t (not recently anyway) been in a LTR like that. I’m old now, and to this day I don’t know if I’m entirely unsuited to marriage, or if I’ve just never met anyone I wanted to marry. On the rare occasion when I’ve have a proposal, I hear this sound in the back of my mind, the clang of prison doors slamming shut. I have taken that as a sign and declined the invitation.
      I suggest therapy, with a side of reflection to think about what marriage means to you. If the person is someone you want to commit to, and the legal/economic result would be beneficial, you could overcome your hesitation and marry.
      Also, I mentally compare this “commitment phobia” to other areas of life. I’ve adopted pets without fear of commitment and taken care of them up to 19 years of their life. My best friends I’ve known for 40+ years through thick and thin. On this basis, I don’t think it’s a commitment problem, for me. Consider how you do with other commitments as you evaluate.

    3. Hornets*

      This is exactly what therapy is for. If you are able to see a counselor/therapist, you should go and explore these questions!

    4. RagingADHD*

      This is 100% something you should sort out in therapy. It’s exactly the kind of thing therapy exists to deal with – childhood experiences and relationship patterns that are making you unsure about what you really want in your life as a grownup.

    5. ThatGirl*

      Not that you should totally ignore people who you trust, but your friends’ opinions are less important than yours. There can be good reasons to get married and good reasons not to. Since your partner wants to, it’s probably worth figuring out why you feel the way you do. Is it the legal commitment? Is it your parents? Something else? Your relationship is not your parents’, and yes, divorce is not fun but it’s also not the end of the world.

      Might be worth thinking about this deeper for yourself, and talking through it with your partner if you can do so productively and honestly. But also you’re still fairly young, and time may be the thing you need most.

      I got married at 26, but I knew that was what I wanted, what *we* wanted. I know couples married as long as we’ve been and I know couples who’ve split up after less than a year. The common thread isn’t age, it’s fundamental compatibility.

    6. Nicotena*

      Unpopular opinion but in our generation I find that marriage is very closely associated with children; if you want children, it makes sense to do the whole traditional marriage thing to provide more security and stability and because splitting up won’t be as easy to do anyway. For people my age, if you don’t want children, marriage doesn’t seem very necessary or compelling. Most of my friends in this category are long term partners but not legally married; the tax incentives aren’t always meaningful (“married filing singly” exists for a reason!) and most people carry their own health insurance now, or can insure a non spouse partner. You can tackle the other the rights of marriage carefully one by one (medical power of attorney, inheritance etc.). So don’t feel like you’re being totally strange to skip the paperwork, but ask your partner why it matters to him.

    7. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      When my husband and I got together, we had three divorces between us and were indifferent about (me) or opposed to (him) ever getting married again, so it pretty much never came up. Until our second dating anniversary, when I totally missed his first three attempts to propose to me until I figured out what was going on. (My first answer was “Are you sure about that?”) Apparently at some point he had changed his mind, and since I was still more or less indifferent about the legal status of marriage vs just living together (which we were doing before we even started dating), I said sure.

      Fears don’t just melt away. It takes work – hie thee to therapy. And for what it’s worth, in my experience, divorce is neither frowned on nor logistically difficult, though kids would complicate matters and I never had any. But at this point you also know from experience that sometimes a marriage is worse than a divorce, whether there are kids involved or not. “We can’t get married because what if we get divorced” is just brain weasels picking dumb logic to beat you up with.

    8. Not So NewReader*

      How do you differentiate between a commitmentphobe or someone just very afraid of marriage?
      There’s no difference as both bring the same end result.

      I think counseling might be the route to go here. Your folks did not go from happy to trapped in one day. There were many, many things that came up along the way that got them to this point. It took a lot of time to get there.
      There are characteristics of health marriages and habits that keep a marriage healthy. If you want to have something different from your parents you can find different ways of handling predictable problems.

      Couples can wear on each other and there is no point in avoiding or hiding that fact. Figure out how money decisions will be made. Figure out what to do if you both strongly disagree on something. If you want to have kids/pets/house figure out what is important and who decides what and when.
      Build a plan so that your story goes different from theirs.

    9. Observer*

      I agree with everyone who says therapy. And I also agree with the comment that there is no real difference for you between “commitment-phobe” and “very afraid of marriage.”

      The point of therapy is not to convince you to get married, but to figure out what you want and how to get there. Divorce is not that much harder than untangling your lives if you are living together already anyway, if you don’t have kids. And while there can be good reasons for not getting married, “what if we want to get divorced” is not on that list.

      So, figure out what you really want and what is really keeping you from marrying your partner. If it’s something solid, then there is your answer. If it’s not about your relationship, but about never having dealt with the dysfunction of your parents’ marriage, then work with the therapist to get past that.

    10. Jackalope*

      I really like what Not So New Reader said. One of the things that I’ve found helpful is sitting down and talking about the elephant in the room. What did your parents (or adults in other unhappy couples you’re close to) do that you want to avoid? How can you avoid those things? For example, lets say that they say hurtful, nasty things to each other. You could make a commitment to each other to focus on kind ways to talk about problems, or read relationship books (I recommend John Gottman a LOT) talking about how to work through issues without being hateful to each other. Counseling is also a good option, as others have said, but it helps if you can sit down and make a list of things you want to avoid/are concerned you might be prone to and think through how to avoid them. (And again I will plug John Gottman, who has really helpful and realistic advice that I’ve found super practical.) I like to tell myself that my husband and I are writing our own story every day, and when I make a choice that I don’t like, I ask myself, “Is this the story you want to write?” It doesn’t help immediately, but it helps me eventually get to the place I want to be. Figure out what you want a marriage relationship to look like, and then figure out what actions will help get you there. You’ve been together 4 years, you’ve lived together, you have some sense of him as a person. There’s probably some good stuff in your relationship or you wouldn’t be considering marriage.

      I don’t know your specific relationship, and I don’t know if marriage is the best option for you here or not, but I would like to put in a general plug for marriage. The nice thing about it is that if you are married to someone, there’s so much that goes along with that automatically. A lot of it you can figure out through other means, but getting married is the simplest way to do it. If you’re married and your partner has an accident, you can make medical decisions for him if he’s unconscious. You can call and set up doctor’s appointments, and all sorts of other appointments. If one of you dies, the other one automatically inherits everything without taxes or complications. If you’re in the US you’ll be eligible for Social Security benefits from each other if the other person was a higher earner, and possibly pension benefits as well. If you ever have kids together, there won’t be any issues assigning paternity (some states won’t let you put an unmarried partner on the birth certificate if the father isn’t at the birth, for example). There are a lot of benefits to marriage as opposed to just living together. Again, that may or may not be true in your situation, and I have no desire to pressure you into something that you’re not ready for (and may never be ready for). But a lot of times couples underestimate the value of marriage until it’s too late.

      1. Generic Name*

        To add on to your last statement about the intangibles of marriage, I’ve noticed something interesting in my husband’s family. His sister has been with her partner for years. They live together and they have kids together. But since they’re not married, he’s not really considered part of the family. Since I’m married, I’m considered a full-fledged member of their “clan”, even though I’ve been around a lot less longer than him.

        1. fhqwhgads*

          Same. My SIL (spouse’s sis) has been with her partner 5 years, got married almost 4 years ago. He’s family and has been been considered such by their parents. My spouse and I have been together over 10 years. Got married a few months ago. I am now family also, but wasn’t treated as such before.

          1. All the cats4 me*

            In what way do you feel you weren’t treated like family? I ask because in our social circles, there is no difference in how people are treated. In fact, quite often when long term common-law couples decide to get married, most people say “why are they getting married, they’ve been living together for 10 years!”

            I do notice from the points made by other people that the legal situation here in Canada seems to be different, as common-law is an official status, and as far as I know (please correct me if I am wrong), confers the same legal standing as marriage.

            1. fhqwhgads*

              It’s not so much about feeling, as that they literally frequently say “well you’re family now”. every.fricking.time we interact. (and do the same with anyone else who married in, regardless of how along ago they did so.) Also they have certain hangups about “we want the whole family there” for certain arbitrary occasions. Before if I did not go, no one commented or seemed to care. Now it’s a whole thing whether I am or am not joining in minor activities.

              2. allathian*

                Fair points, but this also depends a lot on the family.

                My husband and I lived together for more than a year before we decided to get married. To me it seemed like both my parents and my in-laws started to treat us more like family members when we moved in together rather than when we got married.

                Especially when our son was a baby and a toddler, I often did things with my MIL without my husband there. Now that he’s 12, my husband, son, and MIL do a lot of things together without involving me. I’m always welcome, but my MIL isn’t hurt (or at least doesn’t let on in any way if she is) if I decide to do something else instead.

                1. fhqwhgads*

                  I mean…I never said or implied all families do this. Someone else mentioned unmarried-long-term-living-together partners were not considered “family” by their in-laws but they themselves were because they’re married. I said I experience same. I only elaborated when asked to, but the “how” wasn’t really my point at all.
                  I was only trying to provide another data point that, yeah, partners’ parents sometimes treat married=family, unmarried=not, even if the unmarrieds have been living together 10+ years.

    11. mreasy*

      Hi! You don’t have to get married! But it may come down to that or losing your partner, if he decides it’s a dealbreaker. I will say that I wasn’t interested in getting married through LTRs in my 20s, but when I had been with my now-husband for awhile, I realized that I liked the idea. At some point it also becomes more practical: we decided, well, we don’t want to be with anyone else ever, and…what if one of us goes to the hospital? Very romantic, I know.

      I would definitely agree on therapy, but don’t feel like you should get married just because someone wants to marry you! It’s a decision you should make – or not – on your own terms, not out of fear of missing a chance (which is absurd of your friends to say).

    12. Blackcat*

      FWIW, there are a lot of other legal things beyond taxes and health insurance for marriage. Being legal “next of kin” is a big deal medically and financially, and it’s a huge pain to set up all of that separately from marriage (and you’d have to re-set it up in every state you’d move it, it’s not portable like a marriage). If I am brain dead after an accident, I trust my husband to pull the plug and donate my organs. I could not trust my parents or brother to honor those wishes.

      For those sorts of reasons, lots of folks I know who were “meh” on marriage did eventually get legally married (though few had actual weddings beyond the courthouse registration). In half the cases, a major medical event triggered the need for the marriage (in one case, a parent made medical decisions my friend did NOT want, but her long-term partner was unable to make for her).

      1. allathian*

        Yeah, given the hoopla that surrounds weddings these days, I think a lot of people have lost sight of the fact that you can get married without throwing a party.

    13. Conditionalization*

      Honestly? Have some hard conversations with your partner. What does marriage mean to them? Have you communicated what marriage means to you? I agree with the other posters saying to get yourself some therapy to do some deep work on yourself, but I think it is worth it to do some couples counseling for you and your partner to do deep emotional relationship work. Get on the same page re: language, terms, expectations, etc.

      I am not religious, but I think it is super healthy and smart to have pre-marriage counseling.

      Annoying as it is, open and honest communication as well as some hard emotional work is the way to go.

  57. Anon mom*

    Semi-regular commenter going temporarily anon. This is a question for the LGBTQIA+ readers since I have limited knowledge and no personal experience with non-hetero, non-cisgender identities (and to be frank, a lot of what I’ve learned has been through posts here).

    My daughter recently came out as bisexual to me. She’s 11 and had already made some connections with the middle school groups for LGB+ kids and allies. She’s previously expressed interest in non-binary identity and has several friends who are NB, but this is the first time she’s openly expressed a sexuality preference. We (she and I) have open and honest conversations about these topics and it’s a safe environment here, at home and in the community. My husband/her father is an ally but she hasn’t felt ready to tell him yet.

    My main question is about how she’s handling this with friends – she’s already told a handful of her friends. She says it’s so that they will better understand her, and I think I would understand better if it were about her gender identity. In my conversations with her, I think she’s still figuring things out and from comments that she’s made, bisexual might not be the right descriptor for her. But my concern is that because it’s about sexual identity, neither she nor her friends really ‘get’ what that means yet. From what I’ve seen of them and overheard them talking, holding hands with a crush would be a Big Deal. So I feel like she’s pushing information on them that is too personal for the level of friendship they have. I don’t think she’s continuing to have conversations about this, but she’s also been a little disappointed that her friends haven’t wanted to talk about it more, so I’m a little concerned that she might keep mentioning it to get a reaction.

    Any words of wisdom about how to have these continued conversations? Any counsel I can offer her on coming out to various people?

    1. ThatGirl*

      Honestly…. She can figure most of this out, and she will. Be supportive, but let her decide how she identifies and who she tells. 11 is young, but she probably has some idea what she means. It’s more than sexual identity. If you’re not sure, ask her questions. Listen. Don’t try to tell her how she feels.

      For the record I’m bisexual/queer and I did have some idea pretty young, even if I didn’t know everything about sex or want to have it.

    2. BRR*

      Well it’s more than just what someone likes to do sexually. It’s also about emotional attraction. And at 11, I think it’s realistic to experience some level or physical/emotional attraction to others.

      If you haven’t already, I would recommend you look up pflag for more resources.

    3. Retired(but not really)*

      Not really any words of wisdom for you but some random thoughts from years of observation of kids that age group. They are at a time in their life when they are exploring possibilities. Identity hasn’t “settled” yet by any means. My personal opinion is that it’s too soon to say with any accuracy where they fit into any of the definitions. This is the time to open to “all” of the permutations without picking one. Keep the conversation ongoing and open but perhaps caution against being dogmatic about stating a preference at this time.
      I’m also guessing that perhaps she’s making some of these friends (or their parents) feel uncomfortable with wanting to discuss the topic with this sort of pronouncement at all at this stage of life.
      Again keep the lines of communication open but maybe express caution about how to approach conversation with friends.
      Sorry I don’t have any real answers!

    4. qparent*

      I have a 16 yr old, and what I see is that sexuality/orientation is a very important concept to the teens right now, and they also understand these concepts a little differently than adults do. My kid & their friends have each come out several times as various things over the years. It isn’t always the same thing as adults coming out. Just be supportive, use requested pronouns, and love your kid.

    5. RagingADHD*

      I don’t know much about LGBTQ, but I know a good bit about 11 year old girls. TBH, some of them are unholy little two-faced shits.

      I think the biggest thing to talk with her about is discerning people’s character, and finding friends who are safe to talk to in general.

      That age group can be extremely cliquey, fickle, and gossipy, and the ones who are most eager to invite confidences are often the same ones who use it against people later. There’s having your friends understand, and then there’s having your frenemies pick on you and try to shame you with any vulnerability you showed them. (Because it doesn’t need to be something actually shameful. Just something that would hurt to be teased about)

      Talk to her about noticing who stirs up gossip, who has a lot of drama, who always has to one-up people, who can’t stand not being the center of attention, who tells lies (or exaggerates)? Who excludes people? Who runs hot and cold?

      And conversely, who is kind? Who sticks up for people? Who never has a bad thing to say about anyone? Who exhibits real empathy?

      1. Daisy Avalin*

        Backing RagingADHD up on the ability of tweenage/teenage girls to be incredibly and deliberately vicious to anyone who doesn’t fit their idea of ‘normal’ !

        My 12 year old is well aware of who the two-faced little madams are, in her year/friend groups (over the last 6 or so years, yay for all living/schooling in the same area?), and thankfully has avoided the worst of them this year. She and her close friends are weird, happy to be so, and being quite cautious in what information goes out about themselves/their interests. Luckily for me and her best friend’s mum, the girls seem to have their ‘we are who we are, if you don’t like it sucks to be you’ heads firmly screwed on, and they’re willing to talk to us if they need to.

        The questions suggested by RagingADHD are a very good starting point, and a good tool for her to develop as she goes through life, because as so many of us know, she’ll likely run into a lot of frenemies/nastiness later on as well.

        1. RagingADHD*

          Yeah, and it doesnt even have to be about “normal” vs wierd. Often it’s about who’s in or who’s out, or did the person you considered a friend suddenly decide that you betrayed them because it’s Tuesday, so now they are going to wreak revenge.

          Fifth grade can be a hellscape.

    6. Zinnia*

      I highly recommend Scarleteen as a resource for you and your child, it’s excellent.

    7. c-*

      Honestly, check your biphobia, you seem to have internalised a bit. Sexual orientation is not only about sexuality, it’s also, and sometimes primarily, about romantic and emotional attraction, identity and self-knowledge. She’s exploring who she is, which is absolutely normal at her age no matter what conclusions she arrives at.
      Would you be worried if she kept mentioning to her friends that she had a crush on a boy, or would you let her figure it out? It is not ok to sexualise queer kids when you wouldn’t sexualise straight kids.
      It seems from your letter that her talking about bisexuality with her friends makes *you* uncomfortable. That disquiet is yours to handle and deal with, please proccess it without making it your daughter’s job.
      I’d suggest having a talk about paying attention to others’ reactions in conversation so she knows how to recognise disinterest or a soft no, but do NOT do that in relation to sexuality, or you’ll reinforce to her that queer sexuality must be kept silent while straight sexuality is ok to talk about. In short, if you want to talk with her about being more sensitive to others *for her own sake and happiness*, do it. If you want to do it to assuage your own worries or cater to your biphobia, don’t do it.
      Sorry for the harsh tone, I’ve just had it with straights sexualising perfectly normal childhood behaviours when they happen to be queer, and in Pride month no less (Disney should have held off that boy mermaid movie for a couple months). Hope you get something useful out of my comment anyway.

    8. ecnaseener*

      Kids that age have crushes and talk to their friends about their crushes! It’s not too personal to share that her crushes aren’t just boys.
      The worry that they may use the info against her is a valid worry — but don’t get hung up on the “sexual” element. In all likelihood she’s experiencing bisexuality as age-appropriate crushes on cute people, not any more or less sexual than a heterosexual kid.
      (Also: kids at that age will be talking/hearing about sex with peers. They’re curious. Kids who know things will show off by talking about it. You can’t get around that by telling your daughter not to talk about bisexuality.)

    9. Lilo*

      I’m bisexual, though in a long term hetero relationship. I’d say your kid is going to be alright. By the time I was 11 I knew I liked girls (figuring out I also liked boys actually took me longer) but I lived in the South at the time and those conversations were not had. The funny thing is my parents are quite progressive and probably would have been fine with this, but this was right around when states were passing all those anit gay marriage laws. It was awful. I didn’t openly date another woman until college. So her being able to talk to her friends and not let those feelings eat you up inside. You do worry if you’re found out everyone will judge you.

      So it sounds like things are a lot better now than even just 20 years ago and I’m happy about that.

    10. Still*

      Kids have crushes and “date” as early as kindergarten, your daughter being bisexual doesn’t make it any different. If she talks about it, she’s old enough to talk about it; I don’t think it’s fair to say that it’s too early just because she’s not sexually active yet. Sexuality is not something that suddenly switches on when you’re eighteen; getting excited about Holding Hands with somebody IS a big deal, and a part of how kids explore their sexuality and what it means to them.

      I’m not sure why you think it’s too personal to talk about with her friends? Does she not have good friends in her age group? I bet she knows all about their crushes. Talking about this stuff is what friends are for, and frankly in a couple of years they’ll probably know way more than you about your daughter’s sexuality and relationships. I’d leave it alone and just be happy that she’s comfortable being open about her sexuality with those close to her.

    11. traffic_spiral*

      “I think she’s still figuring things out”

      Well, duh. She’s 11 – literally everyone is “figuring things out” at that age. Even if you know your orientation you’re still just beginning to experience the entire concept of hormones and physical sexual desire and what you want to do about that. No one knows at 11 exactly what they’re going to be into as an adult, and figuring out whether you “like-like” billy or suzy or both is a fraction of the question when you’re still figuring out what “like-like” even means.

      “…and from comments that she’s made, bisexual might not be the right descriptor for her.”

      That’s ok – she’s not getting anything tattooed. I mean, if she wants to use a more general word “Queer” works fine, but if she wants to call herself “bi” and later decides she isn’t… so? She’s not giving up her heterosexual scholarship to take out $50,000 in student loans for a Bachelor’s degree in bisexuality that’ll only get her unpaid internships until she continues on to get a Master’s. It’s not a Comcast internet plan – there’s no penalty fee for changing your mind later, nor is there a phone call with an automated voice and 30 minutes of “if you’d like to add a sexuality, press 1. If you’d like to no longer identify as bisexual, say ‘I want to not identify as bisexual.’ [pause] You have chosen ‘extend my bisexual warranty.’ If this is correct, please press 1.”

      “From what I’ve seen of them and overheard them talking, holding hands with a crush would be a Big Deal. So I feel like she’s pushing information on them that is too personal for the level of friendship they have.”

      It’s not like it gets extra-sexual if you switch the gender of who she wants to hold hands with?

      Chill. She’s figuring it out just fine, and she can talk to her friends as she does so.

    12. mreasy*

      Kids get crushes at 11 and far before. Who you’re attracted to isn’t only about physical sexual activity. Gently, there is an ongoing problem with straight people trying to silence the queer community because “sex is private.” But LBTQ+ identity isn’t all about sex, as your daughter realizes, and it would be best if you could, as well.

    13. nnn*

      A couple things jumped out at me, and I recommend engaging in a thought experiment, quietly and to yourself, to see what happens:

      “But my concern is that because it’s about sexual identity, neither she nor her friends really ‘get’ what that means yet.”

      and:

      “So I feel like she’s pushing information on them that is too personal for the level of friendship they have.”

      The thought experiment: would you still be having these feelings if the sexual orientation in question was straight? If your 11-year-old daughter was coming to the realization that she might want to hold hands with a boy she has a crush on, and might one day want to grow up to be someone who has a husband?

    14. WoodswomanWrites*

      I spent several years as a LGBTQ+ peer counselor for the Gay and Lesbian National Help Center, an excellent resource for guidance in helping you navigate your daughter’s journey. All contacts are anonymous and you can connect either by phone or online chat. Search online for “LGBT national hotline.”

      Someone mentioned PFLAG in a previous comment. This acronym stands for Parents, Family, and Friend of Lesbians and Gays (an archaic name but they are inclusive for all across the LGBTQ+ spectrum). This is a fantastic resource with chapters all over the country, where you can connect with others who are focused on supporting their kids. They have excellent resources online as well.

  58. Worrywart*

    I have a question about something that will eventually happen down the road, but I want to know my options. If anyone can give me any insight, please do so.

    My parents took a reverse mortgage on their house a few years ago when their financial stability took a hit. While they’ve rebounded, they didn’t rebound enough to pay back the mortgage; therefore, it is still in place. The house is not worth the amount the mortgage is. Subsequently, I believe they will have to live in the house for the rest of their lives. I’m their only child and will inherit this house. For reasons, I do not want the house. I don’t want even the hassle of selling it. My question is – will I be able to turn the keys over to the mortgage lender or will I have to be responsible with paying back the mortgage? How does this work? I really don’t want to be saddled with debt that isn’t mine (please don’t think I’m being harsh or cruel…but I don’t want to go into financial trouble because of what I inherit).

    1. Pay No Attention To The Man Behind The Curtain*

      My understanding is that the house will need to be sold, and the money goes to pay off the mortgage. You personally won’t be responsible for their debt, but their estate will…which means their debts will be paid by any remaining assets (bank accounts, other property, cars, etc.) before you can collect any inheritance. If their assets don’t cover their debts, you aren’t responsible for the difference, but you also don’t get anything. I’m sure there’s more nuance to it, but that’s the gist. I’m surprised the mortgage is more than the value of the house though, because reverse mortgages rarely lend even the value of the house.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Yep. I was supposed to inherit my father’s house. I told the attorney that I did not want the house and I wanted the estate to sell it. I went right down to the wire on that one. The estate was out of cash, I hadn’t paid the taxes on the house. A person from office of property tax came to the closing to collect the taxes. OH WELL.
        I think there were a few other small bills plus closing costs, attorney fees and so on. I did end up with a small inheritance after all that. But it was tight sneaker time for a bit there.

        The attorney will help you. It could be that if you are not to receive anything from the estate the attorney might advise you to ask for payment for your time in executing the estate so that you get something. I turned down that payment as executor because that was my personal preference.

        FWIW, I felt the same as you. I did not want my father’s stuff to be the cause of my financial ruin. This is not cruel or selfish- it’s survival. You don’t want your ship to sink and that is normal and okay. I even went as far as telling the attorney I had no money to make the house more saleable. He already knew there was no estate money to fix up the house. It’s okay to protect your own interests.

      2. PollyQ*

        It’s not necessarily true that the difference between the value of the house & the value of the mortgage will need to be made up by the estate. In many cases, the bank takes possession of the house, and that’s the end of it.

    2. The Other Dawn*

      As others have said, you wouldn’t personally be responsible for that debt–the mortgage, other bills. etc. It would come out of the estate. Anything leftover would go to those inheriting, assuming there’s anything left.

      We’ll be in the same position when my in-laws pass. It’s not a reverse mortgage, just a regular one. Their house is only four years from being paid off (house would have been paid off 10 years ago if they didn’t refi several times), and now my FIL decided to do another refi. They’re both 80 years old and the mortgage company is giving them a 30-year mortgage. Husband and I want absolutely nothing to do with that house once they pass. It’s in a bad area, though it wasn’t when they bought it 40 years ago; not worth much; we don’t want to live in it; sibling wants it but wouldn’t be able to afford even the yearly taxes and definitely couldn’t buy us out; plus she can’t inherit because she’s on state assistance (at least that’s what FIL says). They don’t have a will, so I’m not sure what we’ll do yet.

      1. WellRed*

        Banks should not be allowed to do that but I suppose they are trying not to open themselves to accusations of discrimination.

        1. The Other Dawn*

          I’m in banking and I definitely plan to ask someone on our lending team about this. It just seems so odd. I mean, what are the odds they’d be alive long enough to pay that off?? (Yes, I know they could come into some money and pay it off early, but what are the chances?)

          1. Not So NewReader*

            Dunno if you will see this.
            I can’t find the reference now but I found mention of a type of loan where banks do not expect the person to ever pay it back. There’s a term for this. As I read along I realized in horror that I *may* have one of these loans. The lending rate is not predatory- matter of fact I think it was fair given my givens. It was definitely way lower than the first loan we got at 9 plus percent. But apparently there is some trend that loans are given out with the idea that the person will not be able to finish paying.

            Fortunately, I am doing okay here and without any more extra payments, in 2 years I will have paid off a 30 year loan in 16 years. So this isn’t hitting me on a personal level. I guess I just think the judgey-ness irks me.

    3. Generic Name*

      Fortunately, we don’t live in Charles Dickens’ time where children are forced to work off their parents debt. :) Ask your parents if you can see a copy of their reverse mortgage and read the whole thing. It should outline what happens to the house after they die. According to Wikipedia, a reverse mortgage is a type of loan where the house is the security for the loan, and it allows people to access the equity in their homes but make no payment to the loan (unlike a home equity loan where you pay it off in monthly payments until it’s paid off or you sell/refinance).

      Not wanting to be saddled with your parents debt isn’t harsh or cruel at all. Can you talk to your parents about their will? That might help ease some worries by having information.

    4. Worrywart*

      Thank you to those who have answered, and if anyone else wants to write in, please do so.

      When the time comes, I will consult a lawyer. I may also ask my parents for a copy of their mortgage agreement. f end up inheriting nothing but a few choice family heirlooms, then so be it. I have learned what it is like to just let things go and walk away, and if that is what happens here, I will gladly inherit the peace of mind instead of the hassles. I ultimately would be happy to have a few days to clear out things and turn the keys over to the bank and let them deal with it.

      To answer the person as to why I’m thinking I’m being harsh or cruel…I just feel like I’m getting ahead of myself, especially with one parent ailing quite poorly these days. I almost felt like I shouldn’t have asked the question because of how my dad is these days. My parents do understand I do not want the house and for the reasons I have.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Actually the opposite is true, NOW is the exact time to ask these questions. There are a lot of preventative or damage-minimizing things you or your folks can look into to help protect themselves.

        You know how when we are faced with a person in crisis it’s too late to learn CPR? We either know CPR or we don’t, no time to read the instruction manual. Same deal with handling estates, it’s actually very wise to keep an eye on things and keep the best interests of all parties involved protected as much as possible as we go along.

  59. CanadiN*

    Hey Alison, just a little thing: You removed someone’s comment for saying they’re confused, but you often recommend that people tell their bosses that they’re confused. You seem to acknowledge this is quite passive aggressive, so why recommend people use it in a workplace setting?

      1. RagingADHD*

        There was a whole nitpicky thing earlier where somebody objected to a long story, saying they were “confused” about why it was allowed, and somebody else called them out for being PA, and Alison zapped it.

        Because some people can’t tell the difference between situations where you need to be indirect to protect your job, vs just being a pain in the butt to random strangers for no reason.

        1. Alianora*

          I don’t have a horse in this race, but tbh, I’ve never really felt like the “pretend to be confused” advice is great. I feel like your coworkers are likely to be able to tell when your “I’m confused” isn’t genuine. And they could read it as you being a pain in the butt, just like it was here. That doesn’t seem like it would protect your job to me.

    3. Ask a Manager* Post author

      I removed that person’s comment and the replies to it because (a) I ask that people flag things for moderation in the specific way outlined in the commenting rules and (b) I didn’t want the derailing/sniping that seemed to be developing. I didn’t say anything about it being passive-aggressive or not (although one of the replies to it did).

      But like any phrase, “I’m confused about…” can work in some situations and not others. It can work when you could be plausibly confused, not when you’re just using it as a snarky lead-in to complain about something you don’t like. What RagingADHD said above is also correct.

      (And it’s not lost on me that periodically a never-seen-before, never-seen-again commenter drops in to complain that they think another commenter isn’t following the rules, always pointedly using the “I’m confused” construction. Trolls are weird.)

      1. Jackalope*

        “Trolls are weird.” This summarizes a LOT of my internet experience, actually.

    4. Potatoes gonna potate*

      It can work when you could be plausibly confused, not when you’re just using it as a snarky lead-in to complain about something you don’t like. What RagingADHD said above is also correct.

      I’ve seen this “I’m baffled that…” “I’m confused…” way too much in lots of spaces. If it’s not outright snark it’s just subtle enough that the recipient is thoroughly confused if they’re not communicating clearly enough or being snarked on (which I suppose is the definition of passive aggressive?)

  60. No*

    Favorite beach towel? Willing to spend a little more for something that doesn’t take an eternity to dry or fly away at the slightest breeze. Taking my first beach vacation in forever!

    1. There’s probably a cat meme to describe it*

      Turkish towels! There’s heaps on Etsy and they’re quite inexpensive.

      They’re huge so they do double duty as a beach blanket. Plus they’re thin so they dry fast and pack down to nothing.

      I find the usual terry towels pick up a lot of sand in their texture, so I prefer the Turkish towels for drying off after a beach shower and because they track less sand into the car and washing machine.

    2. ronda*

      I got the lands end beach towels this year cause it is big. I like it…. but I haven’t used it at the beach.

      1. ronda*

        and if you want something sure not to blow away… a weighted blanket

        I bought one this year (not for the beach) and it is too heavy for me :)

    4. Camelid coordinator*

      I like the character ones from Pottery Barn kids. I just pretend we bought the Batman and Star Wars beach towels for the kiddo. They have held up surprisingly well but we don’t actually go to the beach, just lakes and pools.

  61. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

    Runners, do the same brand of running shoe fit reliably the same across different models? I have a pair of Saucony trail runners that I wear for hiking and absolutely love. I am thinking about getting a pair for walking around the city (I’m not actually a runner), but I’m not sure if I can just order online or if I should go somewhere I can try them on. My feet are really picky about shoes-they fit my heel wrong or I hate the way the arch is shape etc.

    1. acmx*

      I think mostly they fit across the same types within a brand (neutral or stability etc). There could be a difference between trail and regular running shoes since trail would be a little more rigid.

      I wear Brooks and they have a 90 day guarantee. Maybe Saucony is the same?

    2. Filosofickle*

      Sorry to say I own Sauconys in 3 different sizes! They are my picky feet’s favorites but huge inconsistencies in fit, length and width. Yes, trying on in person is ideal. Variety is generally quite limited or I’d do that all the time.

      Their customer service reps online can also give cross-model recommendations. Tell them what fits and see if they can match you into another. However, they were wrong on my last try!

      I typically up ordering online from a place like zappos, where I can get free ship both ways and try on multiple models in multiple sizes at home. It’s a lot of money and packages going back and forth but it’s generally how I get it done. Saucony also does free ship / free returns.

    3. The teapots are on fire*

      I’d say not always. New Balance is kind enough to give names to all the different lasts (shoe shapes) they use so you can see which models use which ones. Only their SL-2 lasts fit me well. The other ones really aren’t comfortable, even in my size or a size up or down.

    4. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

      Thanks all! Sounds like I really do need to try some on. I’ll try the customer service to see if they can help with recs.

    5. Doctor is In*

      Seconding Zappos. Impossible to predict whether a different style or model year will fit the same. I buy 3 pairs when I find a shoe that works so I am good for a while.

  62. Anon Extrovert*

    I love (love) hanging out in large-ish groups where everyone know each other well, conversation is quick/varied and lots of jokes are made. I have a few different groups of friends where we socialise like this and tbh (as much as socialising with coworkers is hated by some of AAM :p) I used to get some of this type of interaction by going for drinks with colleagues after work.

    I also have friends where the conversation is more ‘serious’ or maybe a better description is just more banal… I don’t know how to phrase this without sounding like a horrible friend but here goes… I do enjoy spending time with them and I’m not *bored* by the conversation, it’s just not the same and we get stuck on a limited range of topics. We don’t bounce off each other and we laugh a lot less.

    There’s one couple my partner and I are close friends with very much in the latter category. (They knew him first, although the four of us were friends before either couple got together, we’ve known each other for years). We’ve spent a few milestone type events together (birthdays, New Years etc) and honestly this gets me down because I don’t feel like I’m being myself and I don’t actually have that much fun. I don’t know how to talk about this with my partner without making it sound like I think I’m better than them or that I don’t like them. I do like them and I enjoy spending time with them, but it doesn’t feel very celebratory and I miss laughter.

    Partly this is the pandemic stopping me getting the interactions I enjoy elsewhere but I’m feeling quite alone and sad. Any advice or similar experiences welcome!

    1. traffic_spiral*

      Maybe phrase it as “X group is more my ‘just hang out and chill’ friends, and for Y event I’m in the mood for more of a party vibe, so lets invite Crazy Joe and 2-toes Sally instead.”

    2. wannabegreen*

      I find this with people too. It often happens to my husband and i with a particular couple who have a ton of friends and love socializing. they just dont seem to have much to say or laugh about with us (I try and initiate interesting conversation and joke around) . Maybe you just don’t mesh well and it’s just the amount of time you’ve known each other that makes you think you should keep seeing them. (The couple I mention is related to us and I spent many years thinking we should be friends just because of that relation). Maybe your partner feels the same??

    3. RagingADHD*

      Sounds like lateral thinkers (ping! ping! ping!) vs linear thinkers (a, b, c, d).

      I think the party vibe vs chill vibe is a perfectly good and nonjudgmental explanation.

    4. Filosofickle*

      I’m so glad you posted about this because I am just out of a LTR and doing a lot of thinking. We had more of the serious kinds of conversation in our relationship. And I do enjoy those — I love deep, philosophical chats as well as everyday stuff — but conversations with him lacked energy that I have with my best friends. OTOH those “pinball” conversations really light me up and I feel most like myself during them, but they also burn up all my energy and I can end up really tired after. (I’m a talkative introvert.) So I thought it was good that he gave me a more grounded, calm space at home. And it was…kind of. But I think in the future I’d like a partner who’s more about that laughter and quick conversation. Thanks for helping me identify something important in my relationships. :)

  63. wannabegreen*

    Anyone else hang their clothes on the line? Where we are we are complete outliers for doing so and I feel embarrassed everytime I do it. Our house is very visible to a main road and there are few trees so all the neighbors down our street and the next can see my clothes out there. Does anyone know if it really cuts down on electricity? I do it sporadically enough that I havent been able to measure the difference well

    1. wannabegreen*

      I want to add: my husband says to just say screw it to anyone who doesnt like it but I dont have his personality ;)

    2. Pay No Attention To The Man Behind The Curtain*

      I don’t hang my clothes outside, but i do use a drying rack for mostly all but sheets and towels. It makes a difference not only on my electric bill, but on my clothes. They last much longer, and don’t fade, drying naturally inside (outdoors might make colors fade faster). If there isn’t any home owners association or town ordinances about outdoor clothes lines, i agree with your husband, their opinion doesn’t matter. Myself, i wouldn’t want my underwear hanging in public, but everything else is fine…you already wear it in public.

    3. RagingADHD*

      We do this from time to time, but not usually the whole load. (I don’t like stiff scratchy underwear). I would do it more, but our weather is usually so humid, stuff starts stinking of mildew before it’s dry.

      I think if we did it more often we would see a difference in the bill. I certainly see a difference when we’ve been running extra loads due to illness or something.

      Then again, our back yard isn’t really visible from the street, and our immediate neighbors already know we’re a little bit crunchy granola, so it’s okay.

    4. Valancy Snaith*

      It does cut down on electricity usage, but probably not noticeably so unless you’re doing it regularly, like substituting clothesline-drying for tumble drying 2x loads a week or something.

      I hang out all delicates, but because I live in a very wooded, rural area and my husband is allergic to pollen, I don’t usually hang out most of our clothes. Also the pollen here in the spring is so bad that everything gets a yellow dust coating, which would defeat the purpose, so…dryer it is.

    5. No Tribble At All*

      My family did this all the time growing up, although you couldn’t see our backyard from the street. I kind of hated it… it’s easy to stretch out knit things if you put the clothespins too far apart, the clothespins leave indents, clothes get covered with pollen, and towels are scratchy. And, if you drop something on the ground, you have to wash it all over again. It works well for sturdy woven (non-stretchy) clothes, but not as well for soft stretchy t-shirts.

      I air-dry my nicer blouses and my workout clothes on a drying rack inside to help prolong their life. I find that draping the clothes over a rack is less stressful on them than pinning them up outside, where you have to really clamp them on to something to stop them from flying away. I haven’t used them, but you could look into reusable dryer balls which supposedly reduce drying time.

      1. allathian*

        If you can, air-dry your workout clothes outside, because the UV eliminates all the smells that washing in cool water doesn’t. They also dry really quickly if it’s sunny and windy.

        That said, we have a fairly large utility room, so we usually hang our clothes to air-dry year round. Especially in our climate, doing that pretty much eliminates the need for a separate indoor humidifier in winter.

    6. Victoria, Please*

      I have a giant, Amish-made rotating clothesline that you can hang four loads on at once, and I regularly do. Everyone who comes to my house *loves it* (or says they do) and it amuses me to no end that air-drying laundry has become a social statement in my somewhat chi-chi town. Caveats – I live in SoCal where for much of the year things dry very quickly, and it’s in a private back yard so you can’t see it. I will put my husband’s bath towels in the dryer because he likes them that way (whatevs).

      When I spent a lot of time in Hawaii, almost everyone had clotheslines in their carport because electricity was whoppingly expensive there.

    7. Alex*

      I don’t have a line, but I do have a clothes rack. I don’t have enough room to dry all my clothes but I do dry certain items on it, especially in the summer.

      I don’t think I’d like my neighbors looking at my underpants flapping in the wind, nor do I think I’d have enough patience to hang up each sock individually, but otherwise, who cares?

    8. Chaordic One*

      No Tribble At All has done a good job of describing the downsides of clothes lines. Depending on where you live, in addition to pollen, your clothes may be covered with dust or other kinds of air pollution.

      And then there’s sort of a privacy issue and some issues with how you feel about yourself. I have these childhood memories of a morbidly obese neighbor who would hang her gigantic, brightly-colored floral panties on the clothesline behind her house. She lived on a corner lot so everyone could see them and I felt embarrassed for her at the time because the other neighbors made jokes about them. It didn’t bother her and I guess it shouldn’t have bothered me. (I used to play with her children and as time has gone by, I’ve really come to realize what a great person and great mother she was. .)

      Still, if I had an Amish-style clothesline, like Victoria Please, I’d probably put the underwear on the inside where it would be less visible.

      1. RagingADHD*

        I think I love your neighbor’s attitude, and now I want to buy bright floral underwear for my obese butt, just so I can fly it high on the clothesline!

      2. Sc@rlettNZ*

        You have just given me a flashback to my childhood. My mother used to INSIST that all the underwear was hung on the inside of the rotary clothesline (with sheets and towels on the outer lines) in case the neighbours caught a glimpse of our smalls (note: In order for the neighbours to get a view of our undies, they would have had to climbed up a ladder to peer over the hedges on either side of our property). Even as a child, I was like, if they want to go to that much effort, have at it!

        I’m in NZ, where it’s standard practice to hang clothes to dry outside.

    9. Not So NewReader*

      Growing up we used clothes lines constantly. I think the air was cleaner in some ways and there was definitely less of a pollen issue. I loved sheets dried on a line, the smell was so comforting as I drifted off to sleep.

      I remember seeing undies on the line. It was just a fact of life- we wear underwear and no point in pretending we don’t. Underwear would be “bleached” by the sun and some considered that to be additional sanitization.

      I think with both spouses working full time, it’s too hard to leave a line of clothes out. The weather changes mid-day and no one is home to pull the clothes in when they get wet. Rained on clothes do not smell nice. At all. And I think that at some point, it became a bit of a status symbol not to have a clothes line. It meant that you had a good dryer and you used it. Indeed, I have heard of some governed communities where clothes lines were not allowed.

      Rain can be a problem but clothes have a knack of falling off the line and sometimes blowing away. Chasing undies across the neighbor’s lawn is NOT fun, just saying.

      I do not have a clothes line but some of my neighbors do. It’s rural America and no one cares here. I did set up space in my laundry room with permanent lines so I can hang up clothes any time. I noticed decades ago that my clothes lasted 2-3 times longer if I did not use a dryer. And dryers set stains so you can never remove them, so that is another consideration. I like things fluffed so I will dry towels and jeans for 20 minutes to fluff them and then I put them on the indoor lines to dry.

      I set up a drying rack in my bedroom and I use that instead of a humidifier. Without the additional moisture the air is super dry in there and by February I can get a nose bleed from the dryness. I can put the drying rack outside on nice summer days for heavy items such as bath rugs, comforters, etc. if I know I will be home for a good chunk of the day.

    10. HannahS*

      I grew up hanging clothes up on a rack in the laundry room, and once I moved into apartments continued to do that (except in my living space; there’s no laundry room). I can’t comment on the cost savings, but it does make the clothes last longer. I’ve run into difficulties hanging clothes outside because it’s so humid where I live; clothes can smell mildew-y and stale. My last apartment was also in a city with terrible air quality, so my clothes smelled dirty after being hung to dry. Ick. It’s still my preference to hang laundry when I have the space. I machine-dry linens, underwear, socks, and pyjamas.

    11. Isobel*

      Yes, whenever possible, but I’m in the UK where this is completely normal. The washing line is in the back garden, and I suppose the next door neighbours can see my undies, but I hope they’ve got better things to do than surveillance on my knickers!

    12. Bob_NZ*

      I don’t consider doing anything other than hanging my clothes on the line!

      I mean, sure, there will be rainy days where the idea of owning a dryer feels pretty attractive but not so much that I actually, you know, do anything about it! I just switch around my laundry days to better suit the weather or use an indoors clotheshorse in wet weather.

    13. Pamela Adams*

      I hang dry my work shirts, nice pants and bras. I keep a hanging rack on the closet door

    14. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I kinda wish we had one, but realistically, neither my husband or I would be good at promptly bringing in the laundry. (As it is, today’s basket of clean laundry will totally sit in our bedroom until next Saturday night, when I put mine away, and Sunday morning, when he puts his away, so he can put the dirty laundry into the hamper to take down to the laundry room.) We do have some things that we hang-dry – his shirts, my skirts and bras, mostly – but we hang them either on hangers on the shower curtain rod (with the bathroom fan going) or on a drying rack in the bedroom.

    15. wannabegreen*

      These are all good points! I havent had an issue with pollen and I never ever put my undies out hehe Or my own clothes for that matter (mainly the kids’ clothes). I’m also home full time so I have lots of time to deal with the laundry. I have permanent lines in my basement for indoor hanging which I do most of the time. Problem is that in the summer it’s so humid even with a.c that I have to put a humidifier on and that sort of defeats the electricity saving part. My clothes last longer though. I’ll just keep daydreaming of the day I live far enough away from neighbours that I dont have to care!

    16. Unkempt Flatware*

      Yes, I hang all clothes on a line and I build a clothes line in every new home I live in. Mine is pretty and I love it. I also grew up on a corner where everyone could see our line. I hung bras and underwear and trashy pjs between other clothes so passersby didn’t see. I then do a very quick heatless tumble with sheets and cotton clothes. I iron all work clothes. My clothes last longer and take a very long time to look worn out.

      I now live in the biggest hottest city in the US and it takes about 10 mins for most items to dry out there and I have to be quick so things don’t fade.

    17. Figgie*

      I always hung everything (parents and two kids) on the clotheslines in the backyard. The other neighbors all did the same thing. All of our clotheslines were straight lines from the house to the clothesline pole and the way you hang is towels and jeans and workshirts on the front and back lines, with another set of towels on each end of one of the inside lines and you hang the underwear on that line. No one will see the underwear. What has always amused me, is that all of us who hung clothes on the clotheslines used the same method to keep our underwear from being seen. :-)

  64. North Adams lunch ideas?*

    This is a very niche question but I figured I’d try. I am meeting a friend in North Adams, MA on Wednesday for lunch and then going to MassMoCA. If you have any lunch recommendations for us, let me know. I’ve looked on TripAdvisor and can just pick one that sounds ok (perhaps the burrito place) but first-hand insights would be helpful.

    1. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      They aren’t open for lunch, but Public is the best restaurant in town. They open at 4 pm so could consider if you are willing to mix up the schedule a bit.

    2. AHN*

      Water Street Grill in Williamstown is about 10 minutes from MassMoCa. We had lunch there last year (they have outdoor seating if that’s a consideration) and it was very good. The day we were at MassMoCa we had lunch from the barbecue place on the museum campus (and beer from the brewery there too), but it looks like the barbecue place is closed on Wednesdays.

    3. Camelid coordinator*

      Thanks for the suggestions! These places sound great. If we have any energy left for more social interaction after the museum maybe we’ll try Public for dinner. Or I’ll go some other time, I’ll be in the area for weeks.

Comments are closed.