weekend open thread – June 5-6, 2021

by Alison Green on June 5, 2021

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand.

Here are the rules for the weekend posts.

Book recommendation of the week: Admission, by Jean Hanff Korelitz. I’m reading everything by this author after loving The Plot recently. In this one, an admissions officer at Princeton confronts her failing marriage, issues with her mom, and a momentous decision from the past. There are fascinating details about how admissions officers work!

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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  1. Melandra*

    If you’re having a small group of friends over for dinner and one of them keeps doing things on their phone during dinner, is there a polite way to ask them to put it away or should I assume they’re an adult and it’s up to them whether they want to join the rest of us in conversation or not? I think it’s really rude but I’m not sure if speaking up about it would be rude too. Does it make a difference if it’s a good friend vs someone who is more of a casual acquaintance?

    1. Virginia Plain*

      If it was a close friend I’d probably make a sarcastic comment (for this is the British way) such as, “oh are we boring you Jane?” or, “are you blogging about this for your 9 followers? Will we go viral? Hang on, is it insta, let me do my trout pout…”

      But if it was just a casual acquaintance I would probably just silently judge them. I think it’s rude but pointing out rude behaviour is an awkwardness minefield with someone you don’t know well.

    2. Foreign Octopus*

      Oh my god, this happened at dinner with me once. My friend and her boyfriend came over for dinner with my parents (lines were blurred in this friendship which is why I don’t talk to her much any more) and once we finished eating and were talking, he sat at the end of the table on his phone the whole time. It was so rude but none of us said anything because that would’ve made everything awkward.

      However, that was a one-off occurrence. I think if this person keeps coming over and is a repeat guest, then it’d be worth saying something.

    3. Washi*

      One-on-one, I occasionally ask if everything is ok in a mildly worried tone with a glance to the phone. That way if something is going on, they have a chance to explain a bit, even if what’s going on is that they’re seeing someone new and can’t stop texting them! I understand people may sometimes need to take care of something while in my presence.

      But in a larger group, I would probably leave it alone, and stop inviting that friend to dinner parties if it was a pattern. For me personally, being on your phone all the time is just not compatible with my own friendship style and I tend not to get close to people who do that. (On the flip side, a lot of my friends are not big texters precisely they value disconnecting from their phones!)

      1. On the seaside*

        This. There are situations where you need to be on the phone (both work and personal emergencies), it can be good to give an opening to explain.
        If it annoys you (rightly as it’s rude if it’s not an emergency) and happens regularly, can you atop inviting them over? I sure would.

      2. Pocket Mouse*

        Agreed. Sometimes people have a lot going on, it might be uncomfortable to bring up unasked, and it shows real consideration to ask in this kind way.

      3. traffic_spiral*

        I agree with this. I’d ask if there was an emergency, but other than that, I’m just not going to socialize with you in real life if you’re going to ignore me in favor of your phone – and I am most definitely not inviting you to any kind of gathering I put on.

        If someone doesn’t want to get off their phone, trying to make them will just piss them off, and won’t result in any improvement to their company or conversation. Just make a note that this person is best only interacted with via text.

    4. Not A Manager*

      I don’t think this needs to be quite a fraught as people are implying. You’re the host. I would just say, in a friendly tone, “Hey Tom, can you please put your phone away at the table? Thanks!” I certainly wouldn’t stew silently about it. Even if I were a guest, if this was a personal friend I would probably say the same thing.

      1. Sam I Am*

        If I were to say anything, it would be this. Generally I just deal with it and will mention it later, if I bring it up at all, so I’m not “scolding” someone in front of a group. I’ve also simply not continued dining with people like that. They like to have the phone out during a meal, I prefer we don’t, so we do other activities together instead. I don’t mind folks having their phone out really at any other time.
        If I’m dining 1-on-1 I just stop talking until they put the phone down, but keep it light. They can, indeed be the boss of them. What I’m trying to convey in this situation is that I’d like their attention, not that they’re doing something wrong. It’s important my face and tone reflect this in such a moment.
        I generally leave the phone elsewhere when I’m dining with a human, it’s just easier for me and I have no reason calls etc can’t wait an hour. That isn’t true for everyone and I understand that.

      2. Sparkles McFadden*

        Yes, a friendly suggestion should do it. In the friends/family social circles of which I am a part, the host generally says “It would be great if everyone could limit the phone activity at dinner if possible.”

        The thing I find to be more annoying is when people insist on taking videos and photos of everyone present, and posting them on social media. I stopped attending certain events (we’re talking pre-covid) because one person refused my request to stop posting (and tagging!) photos and videos without my consent. The guy said “I wasn’t taking a video of you. I was taking a video of the person next to you. It’s not my fault you were next to him. This how things are now. If you don’t like it, stay home.” The guy eventually alienated everyone else (by posting pictures with other people’s kids in them) but, as far as I know, he still thinks everyone should expect to be on video if they walk out their own front door.

    5. Glomarization, Esq.*

      I’d assume one of two things. Either there was something going on in their life that was none of my business, but the need to stay on top of it (family or work emergency, maybe). Or checking their phone from time to time is a strategy they use to get through social situations like a small-group dinner. As to the second, I do have a couple of friends who have diagnosed, undiagnosed, treated, untreated, or untreatable issues, and I’m happy to have them around, if checking their phone once in a while is what it takes for them to hang out with me. (Twenty-five years ago they would be standing up and scanning a bookshelf or playing with my cats or sitting in a corner doing a puzzle. At least now they stay seated with the group.) It feels rude but honestly I don’t take that kind of thing personally.

      1. Liz*

        I think the second is a major factor for me. Many of my social circles have comprised of a large majority or neurodiverse folks (diagnosed or suspected), and as such, various coping mechanisms are welcomed. Phone use is one of them. Just today we had just come back from a few hours outside, and 2 of us were sitting on the couch reading (in my case, this thread, in her case, Facebook) and the 3rd party member got a bit annoyed because she wanted to talk to us about a hotel booking. My other friend (her partner) simply said “we are decompressing” and all was fine. We sat in silence for a bit, read some internets, then put our phones away and looked at hotels.

        I think this kind of thing illustrates the social model of disability, in that a thing is only a disability if the environment makes it so. Im only now, at 36, being investigated for autism as I have spent much of my life around adults with autism and so many of my behaviours were happily accepted and not perceived as rude. The people around me were doing the exact same things. Had I been expected to pay attention, act interested, remember various other social etiquette things, maintain eye contact, etc, it’s possible I would have struggled way more but been pointed towards an autism diagnosis at a far younger age.

      2. Barbara Eyiuche*

        If I go to a dinner party or a gathering at someone’s house, I do not sit and look at my phone, but I definitely do look at their bookshelves, and play with their cats, and I have been known to sit on the floor in a corner and do a puzzle. Does this mean people think I have issues?

        1. allathian*

          Not necessarily, but it probably depends on the size of the gathering and how well you know the other guests. If it’s about 6 people or so and you’re all good friends, I’d say that focusing on anything other than the conversation for most of the gathering would be either impolite or a sign of a coping mechanism, at least if everyone else is having a lively conversation while you’re sitting in a corner doing a puzzle. In a bigger gathering I think it’s only natural that people take breaks from the conversation and look at bookshelves, etc. YMMV.

          That said, I couldn’t resist playing with a cat, either.

          1. Don P.*

            I mean, if you have a playable-with pet, and you invite people over…well, that’s on you.

    6. Liz*

      I can only speak for myself here, but I have a knee jerk reaction to being told to put my phone away. I really struggle to be “socially on” for prolonged periods (my job is very people-focused) and I use my phone to recharge while dipping in and out of conversation. In my circle, we also read out stories from our phones if we think they might be of interest to the group, and use them to prompt conversation. If I had to give a group of people my full attention for the whole time I was visiting, without microbreaks, I’d probably wind up exhausted and have to leave early. I can understand that some people don’t get that, but I find “no phones at the table” to be a tad infantilizing. It takes away my ability to manage my social energy and makes me feel like the other person is demanding I entertain them for the duration of the visit.

      However, it is your house and your rules, and if this is a deal breaker for you, you can absolutely say something with the understanding that perhaps a few people with different preferences might self select out.

      1. Empress Ki*

        If we have a social dinner together, there is an expectation we will entertain each other.
        If retiring to your phone is essential to your wellbeing, you may explain that to your friends so they won’t get offended.

        1. Liz*

          In all honesty, it’s never come up. When I get together with people, there’s not really an expectation of entertaining one another, just that we hang out together, whatever form that may take. This has included falling asleep on the couch and being brought tea upon waking. Each of us do as much or as little talking as we like, people are understanding if someone in the group is feeling quiet, and usually every one of us will have a certain amount of phone time. This is just normal in my circles.

            1. Liz*

              Yes, this happens pretty much every visit. But it’s usually pretty laid back, and yes, phones are a feature. Someone might want to show us a funny video. Someone else will be scrolling through the news and regale us with a current affairs story and we will dissect it. Someone’s phone will go off and it will be a comment from a mutual friend and the receiver will tell us about the conversation because there is an overlap of interest. Someone else then might jump on the same thread and also comment and read their comments aloud to the rest of the group and we will make suggestions. At some point occasionally we might video call another mutual friend so they can “join us” virtually. But I also there might be someone who is feeling quiet and exhausted who might just not be hugely “on” but would like to be out of the house with the option of socializing as best they can, and that’s ok too. Everyone gets fed, zero pressure or expectation.

              1. Calliope*

                It sounds like you have a tight social circle that hangs out a lot in very informal ways which is great. I suspect the issue is more that for a lot of us, you see a particular friend once every two months when the stars (jobs, babysitters, family obligations) align and you get two hours for dinner and drinks and if someone spends a lot of it on their phone, you feel like you didn’t get to catch up.

                1. Liz*

                  That’s fair. I think when i read these questions i can’t usually envisage the specifics of the scenario and get stuck on my own experiences. I do have friends i often only see every few years or so, and I think on those occasions I tend to focus more on them, particularly if it’s only a flying trip for lunch.

      2. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

        Just curious, what did you do before smart phones? Bring a book?

        1. Clara*

          Speaking for myself only – I didn’t go out. I turned down dinner invites and social events because I didn’t have a mechanism to manage them. Now I engage much more because inahve that option, and my friends understand and accept that this is how I manage my social energy and am able to participate. It works for me.

        2. Liz*

          Sometimes, yes. Or find one. I also remember that I would just find a quiet room to just sit and be for a while. My father is exceedingly quiet and often when visiting friends or family he will find a good book on a shelf and just sit in a corner and read for a bit.

        3. Queer Earthling*

          Can’t speak for Liz, but I sometimes have that issue as well and usually I just zoned completely out or hid in the bathroom for a bit.

        4. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

          I certainly used to do that. Or I’d wander away from the table and find something to look at.

        5. Sleepless*

          I’m convinced that half the reason my BIL smokes is that it gives him a reason to walk outside for a bit during social occasions. I can’t blame him.

        7. Beatrice*

          I take walks. Still do. Depending on where I am, I’ll invite others to come with me. On my in-laws’ farm, I just slip out a side door and disappear, and it’s fine…it’s a huge house, usually with a huge gathering (pre covid) and nobody knows where everyone is at every moment anyway. The worst gathering I ever went to there was one where the house was jam packed and there were no quiet corners, and it was sleeting outside so I couldn’t escape outdoors. I was upset about something private that I didn’t want to share, but I was unable to find a place to calm myself and wound up bursting into tears in front of a crowd and had to explain. Awful. (This was post smartphones, but in a place with terrible cell reception and uselessly slow Internet.)

      3. WS*

        Same, but it depends on the situation. A casual get-together, everyone would be on and off their phones, no problem. A special occasion dinner, I would not expect people to be on and off their phones frequently during the dinner. Before and after, yes.

        1. Liz*

          Ahhh this makes sense. Formal dinners are not really a feature of my social life – birthdays and anniversaries are typically just the usual routine only there are cards exchanged – so I think I’ve managed to gravitate towards a group of extremely laid back people. I expect I would find more formal events extremely challenging.

      4. Pocket Mouse*

        It’s rude to be focused on your phone while ostensibly interacting with people in person. There are options to avoid being rude, whether that’s having a shared understanding that social interaction will include time on phones, explaining why you’re doing it, or really making an effort to not do it. It’s not infantilizing to ask you find a way to meet your needs without doing something otherwise regarded as rude.

        I also tend to dip in and out of conversations for microbreaks (love this phrasing!) depending on the situation- but I mostly do it without staring at my phone in front of people. Zone out while appearing to concentrate on my food, examine books on a bookshelf, pet the pet, escape to the kitchen to refill my own drink, help tidy/do some dishes, etc. In some cases I excuse myself to the bathroom a bit more frequently and for a bit longer than usual, and look at my phone there. All of these are easiest in a group setting, and if anyone comments, easy enough to say a few words about and move on with the day. If exhaustion sets in and leaving early is the best option, so be it. A real break achieved by leaving the situation is better for me than extending the struggle to stick it out.

        You mention that in your circle you read things from your phone as prompts. In my experience with this, it’s thinking of something we saw and would like to share, and searching on the phone specifically for it—and even then, there are times when retelling is more appropriate than finding and reading it. For us, it’s definitely not being on our phones until we come across something interesting enough to share. Your circle of friend may well be different, I just think it’s worth pointing out there are different patterns around what you describe, and each will play out differently with different audiences. If your friends are on the same page as you, kudos for finding them and more power to your friendship!

        1. Liz*

          We’re definitely in the realm of shared understanding. It’s just something everyone I know does when we’re together. I can’t say it’s a generational thing either as we’re a mix of late 20s to early 40s. The eldest in our group will usually be the one scrolling through the news and filing the rest of us in on current affairs and prompting discussion. In my case it’s not about /wanting/ to read anything in particular on my phone but the act of scrolling is like a gentle, visual white noise that helps to soothe my brain and being told “you’re not allowed to do that” would just make me a smidge anxious i guess? I think if i fell in with a crowd for whom that wasn’t alright, I doubt I would feel ok asking for accommodations but I would probably just wind up feeling rather twitchy and uncomfortable and might not want to hang out much. But i can understand that this differs depending on the crowd.

          1. ThatGirl*

            Personally, when I’m just sitting around with friends chatting, drinking, playing a game, watching a movie etc I have no problem with phones being out. But for 20 minutes or so during a meal I do put my own phone down and focus on food and conversation and generally expect others to do the same. Part of it is cleanliness too… I don’t want food debris on my phone. I can understand where you’re coming from, but is 20-30 minutes focused more on eating really that big of an ask?

            1. Liz*

              It’s hard to say. I’ve not really been in that situation for a very long time. I can’t really imagine how I might react, but it sort of feels like someone away a coping mechanism. For all I know I might not need it, but being told “you’re not allowed to do x” can make me more stressy – like climbing without a safety rope might make even an easy climb more frightening.

              1. ThatGirl*

                I don’t tend to scold people, I would not say “you’re not allowed to” but I might ask nicely if you could put it down orrr… I would just make a mental note that I didn’t seem to have your attention. And we frequently just hang with 2-3 others max so it’s more noticeable than in a bigger group.

                1. Clara*

                  Fair enough! And if you asked me to do that, I’d make a mental note that I don’t want to hang out with you again, so we’d be good! Your expectations and requirements for friendship/social interaction do not play nicely with my needs for accommodations for my social anxiety, and that’s fine. You’re not a safe person for me to be friendly with, so we’re better off staying far apart with people who understand and accept us as we are. Win/win!

                2. Liz*

                  That may well make the world of difference. The last person I knew who objected to phones at the table would snap “Ah ah ah! Phones OFF!” Or would hold her hand out and take it away from me like a teacher. It wasn’t the most relaxed atmosphere. Sometimes I used to hide in the bathroom for several minutes at a time because I couldn’t handle being there. I also used to feel so exhausted by the constant demand to be “on” that I had to go upstairs and just sleep. I still get fatigued in social situations now but it’s nowhere near as bad.

                  We generally hang out in a group of 4 adults, maybe 5. There’s largely overlap between our interests but it’s also pretty common that 2 or 3 people might be talking about a topic that the other(s) have no interest in, so they might just sit and chill in silence and read a little until the subject changes. Often, if 2 people have wandered off on a lengthy tangent about a particular subject that’s of no interest to anyone else, looking up to find 3 other people engrossed in their phones is usually a gentle cue to change the subject!

                3. Yelm*

                  I think accommodating and understanding others’ social anxiety is important, and I also think it’s important to take on the challenge of pushing against the boundaries of social anxiety, in your own time and maybe as guided by your own professional support. I don’t have severe social anxiety, but I do have a mental illness. Getting the help that allows me to push back against the ways my mental illness wants to keep me confined has made the world a lot bigger for me. Of course, this presupposes that one has access to good resources—I didn’t, for many years. I just think this issue is best addressed—compassionately—from both sides. It’s legitimate to make space for others’ struggles, and it’s also legitimate to consider what you may be capable of, with the right support.

                4. ThatGirl*

                  Wow, didn’t expect so much pushback, Liz’s reply seemed quite fair to me. I do have friends with anxiety, and other mental health issues. I have a developmentally disabled brother. I’m certainly not without compassion. If I felt like someone wasn’t able to connect with me, we probably wouldn’t end up being friends and that’s fine, but it’s not about the phone per se.

          2. Washi*

            This is really lovely! Though it wouldn’t work for me personally, it’s awesome that you all have that shared level of understanding and are able to just be yourselves together. I’m suprised you’re getting so many questions haha.

            1. Liz*

              Thank you! It can be quite challenging to engage in discussion like this, as I’m often quite afraid of being judged. I’ve struggled with various mental health issues since I was 10, and often just labelled as being disruptive or acting up for no reason. Im fortunate enough now that I don’t get anxious in many social situations, but I do periodically just need to check out because I can’t pay attention to people for that long.

              I think conversations like this highlight the subjective notion of “rudeness” and how it varies across society. I saw a similar discussion about the idea of calling someone without texting first to ask if they are free. The growing prevalence of mobile phones has made it so many people have their phones on them at all times, and a growing number of people feel the polite thing to do is to text first and ask “are you free to talk?” This saw some heated debate, but not down the generational lines as one might expect. The people who felt the expectation to text first was antisocial were in their early 20s.

              I’m very aware that I might not be everyone’s cup of tea to socialise with, and I’m lucky in that I’ve been able to seek out adults with shared expectations and similar needs. I like to think this is what comes from people being their authentic selves and setting their own boundaries, whatever form that might take.

              1. Laure*

                Liz, where did this discussion happen? If it is on a public forum of course.
                Thank you for all this discussion, it was fascinating!

                1. Liz*

                  It was an instagram post that came up as a suggestion based on the fact that I follow a lot of accounts around neurodiversity. Sadly I wasn’t able to find it again, but it made for interesting reading as the two most outspoken objectors were 21 and 22 respectively.

                  If you Google something like “texting before calling etiquette” there are several articles on the subject. Technology changes our world in so many different ways, I find it quite fascinating.

      5. PrincessB*

        This is me exactly. And if we’re close friends, just ask and I’ll explain.

      6. Caroline Bowman*

        I’m one of the people who doesn’t get that. I don’t understand why a person who is presumably there voluntarily, at what sounds like a casual supper with friends, a small group, cannot, for the duration of a meal, not sit with their eyes and brain glued to their phone, and that if they are unable to do this, it will exhaust them to the point of having to go home.

        I’d not say anything – I do agree that to do that is infantilising – but I’d certainly expect people who are at an in-person social occasion, especially not a huge, long one, to be present for an hour or so.

        If someone has a message or a call they are waiting for, or they’re on call for whatever reason, clearly that is different.

    7. matcha123*

      I generally try to put my phone away when I am meeting people. However there are times when there’s a bit of a lull in the conversation or someone goes to the bathroom and I’ll check my phone then.
      If they are pulling out their phones to chat with other people for ten or twenty minutes or something, I’d find that off. But if they are checking messages and such, I don’t find that so weird.

    8. lapgiraffe*

      I sit between two extremes of this in my friend group – in one corner is a friend who definitely offends people by being on her phone during social gatherings, but I’ve realized it’s a social anxiety coping mechanism and not exactly the rudest example of phone behavior, while another friend is so aggressively anti phone that she rudely scolds me and I have to preface any expected phone use with an emergency like explanation or else I am shamed like a child. So even though I, personally, put my phone away while at dinner and prefer to not engage with it unless i’m pulling up photos or looking up important information, I’m actually more annoyed and offended by the no phone friend because I find it infantilizing, snobby, and irrational for her to take such a hard stance. Her father even scolded me at their house when I was looking up some critical information, besides the fact that it was a casual cocktail time before dinner, I’m 36 and definitely didn’t appreciate him treating me like I’m 8 years old.

      So that said, I’m a fan of not having the phones *on* the table but not forbidding their use outright. If you want a no phone environment at a dinner then say it in a nice way beforehand, so as to not single anyone out, but also in a way that is friendly and understanding that some people will need to engage with their phone for whatever reason at some point and the world will not end.

      1. Pennyworth*

        Asking the group to limit phone use to “important stuff ” during the meal has worked for us. No-one ever questions or comments on phone use after that point, but just saying it seems to reduce phone time a lot. Anyone who needs to have more than a brief phone conversation always leaves the table – not sure if that was ever discussed, its is just what we do.

      2. Caroline Bowman*

        Agree. There is always context to consider, and whilst I loathe having someone sit there on their phone at dinner, particularly in a small group, I do not agree with scolding that person in any way at the time. If anything, I’d just not invite them the next time if it seemed like a regular thing (rather than a private emergency or personal situation – I’m not talking about one-offs or being on call etcetera), or say before sitting down to eat ”okay chaps, no phones for dinner! Let’s look at each other’s weird faces for a change!” or something like that.

        Personal choice is always important, and if someone keeps doing that in ways I consider inappropriate, I have the choice to either speak with them privately at a different time, or simply not include them next time.

    9. Not So NewReader*

      I think you all should each send the friend a text asking if everything is alright.
      Uh, okay maybe not.

      1. Jen in Oregon*

        Actually, I think that’s not a horrible idea! It let’s the person know that what they’re doing *is* being noticed, but you’re not calling them out in front of everyone in an embarrassing way. And when they look up, give them a kind smile, because why not?

    10. MissElizaTudor*

      What others have said about politely asking people not to be on their phones before dinner, or even kindly mentioning to this person one on one that it bothers you is good advice, but it might be valuable to work on reframing it for yourself so you no longer find it rude, if you want to continue to invite this person.

      It sounds like these aren’t one on one interactions, so their decision to spend some time quietly looking at their phone isn’t interrupting anyone or interfering with others’ ability to interact socially, like it would if you were having dinner with just that person. Similarly, it isn’t as though anyone is getting completely ignored in favor of a phone because there are multiple people there to pay attention to each other. So it isn’t objectively rude (if such a thing even exists) or hurtful, so it’s something that one can shift one’s perspective on.

      1. Cassidy*

        Sorry, but I don’t understand people who agree to let someone else feed them, and return the kindness by staying glued to a phone.

        If a guest is waiting on a true emergency phone call, s/he should let host/-ess know. If it’s that hard to look up from a phone for a 30-minute dinner someone has made for guest, guest shouldn’t accept the invitation in the first place. Nothing says “You’re boring me” like staring into a phone screen for the duration. SO sick of “But…my phone!” being an excuse to be rude.

        1. Windchime*

          This is kind of how I feel about it. I go to dinner frequently with a particular friend and she is hooked on her phone. It’s almost never turned on silent so it’s constantly dinging and chiming with different notifications, and she is compelled to check each one. Same thing in the car; she keeps her phone on a little stand and it almost makes her crazy if someone texts her and she can’t read it. I don’t understand what is so hard about just turning it onto silent or keeping it in her purse until dinner is over or we reach the destination in the car. These aren’t emergency situations; just texts from kids and friends. It drives me nuts.

        2. allathian*

          If this happened with a friend I was meeting one on one, I’d agree with you, it would just be so awkward. But if it’s a bigger group and someone’s paying some attention to the conversation and scrolling on their phone during lulls in the conversation or because they feel they don’t have anything to contribute to the current topic, I don’t think it’s that bad. I certainly feel that a person who’s talking all the time and doesn’t give others a chance to say anything is more rude than the one who’s looking at their phone.

        3. MissElizaTudor*

          That seems like viewing social interaction as more of a one to one exchange than a mutually beneficial interaction. I would hope people invite people to dinner because they enjoy cooking and hosting, not because they expect something specific in return except the company of others. Someone looking at their phone doesn’t remove them from your company any more than not fully engaging in conversation or getting up to look at books or play with a dog or cat. As I said, if it really bothers you, express yourself kindly in a one in one conversation. If they don’t stop, and that means you no longer enjoy their company, then don’t invite them any more.

          Doing things on one’s phone doesn’t inherently read as “you’re boring me” and being somewhat bored and wanting to have some different stimulation for a bit also doesn’t inherently mean the person is insulting you. So long as you have other people to interact with, it doesn’t objectively hurt you in any way or take anything away from you, so it’s more about your own interpretation of it. That’s why I said it might be valuable for Melandra to work on shifting their own perceptions so it bothers them less.

          1. Artemesia*

            someone scrolling, playing, texting other friends etc is in fact NOT present and engaged with me and my dinner party. They are not ‘company’; they are giant toads planted in the middle of a group of people who have to interact around them. This is incredibly boorish behavior. The idea that you invite them therefore you must put up with boorish behavior because you can’t demand anything of guests strikes me as bizarre. Would you also be good with them arriving, packing up your carefully prepared meal in tuperware and heading home so they can watch their soaps? After all you have no right to expect anything from them when you make them dinner.

    11. Bri*

      I agree with many of the other replies you’ve gotten. I don’t think it’s rude to ask and I wouldn’t be shy about asking, in a kind way, for a friend to put their phone away. My mother is the biggest offender of checking her phone during meals. Like, she can’t get through a meal without checking. For financial reasons, I share a home with my parents and my brother and our meals are largely silent because my mother can’t focus for 20 minutes – it’s Pavlovian at this point – any sort of phone noise and she’s whipping it out of her pocket to check.

      I get it if it actually rings with a call – my grandmother is 92 years old, we need to be available to her, but social/games/etc can wait, in my opinion.

    12. LQ*

      One on one with a close friend I’ve just said something like I get 3 nonwork hours a week and I’m choosing to spend one with you, but you clearly don’t want to spend it with me so if you’re not going to put that down I’m leaving.

      With very very close friends and sisters in small dinner things I’ve taken phones away and put them in the middle of the table face down and they’ve done the same to me. (To be fair this is mostly done TO me, my sister one time stuck it in the fridge because I would not stop.) In less intimate friend groups I’d just let it go, I might say something briefly but only once.

    14. Grapey*

      I also agree it’s super rude. I’d never say anything to another adult though.

      More likely I’d see if their phone use stopped conversation (e.g. them asking “huh?” after being addressed every time) and never invite them back if that were the case.

      Personally, my good friends ARE my good friends because we have these social rules that we don’t need to actually spell out. I tend not to keep friends with people that I think are boorish or where I would want them to change somehow.

    15. Mourning Reader*

      My friends have settled into a pattern in which someone might occasionally do a quick lookup for a piece of info relevant to the discussion, but I don’t recall anyone sitting and scrolling for long periods while at the table. I have a similar dilemma during casual socializing that I’d like to say something about, but I’m not sure what to say or if I should.

      That is, when a visiting friend gets a call from their adult child or elderly parent, they take the call and then talk for a long time. (5 minutes to an hour.) now, I understand talking the call, it could be an emergency. But after a couple of minutes, when they’ve checked in and everything is ok on both ends, I’d like to hear, “I’m visiting with my friend right now, can I call you back tonight/tomorrow/on my drive home etc.”

      So, do I pause whatever we’re watching or talking about for the duration? Do I take out my own phone? Do I leave the room? Can I ask them to keep it short? Do I add myself to the conversation by shouting out “hello, Friend’s Child?” I have at least two friends who do this. Apparently they think their family person takes precedence over talking to me, even if they have driven hours to see me. I think it’s weird (I am rarely that much of a phone talker so it feels excessive even to be passively listening to one end of this conversation) and rude to me, but it’s also rude to correct an adult’s manners, so…

      Maybe I could stage whisper “could you take that in the other room?” When it hits 5 minutes or so? I’m not sure it’s worth a “when you do x, I feel y,” conversation.

      This is not the same problem as phone scrolling, it’s using the phone as a phone (telephonic communication device) but with everyone else in the room hostage to the one-sided conversation until she wraps it up.

      Any scripts or advice for this situation? Or is it better to just continue to suck it up?

      1. Crackerjack*

        I definitely don’t think you’re wrong that it’s rude and weird. I’m not sure of any useful scripts though. I think I prefer the suggestion of, when it starts going on, asking them to take it in another room. And then see if they take the hint.

      2. Who is the asshole*

        Same issue with a friend and I’m always pro talk about it, state your needs/let them know what you want from them. in my friend’s case I ask her to take it outside because it will absolutely make it hard to impossible to continue a conversation with other people in the room. If it’s just the two of you I find it quite rude.
        In my opinion it’s OK to not shield people from natural consequences of their behavior. That means continue any conversations you are having or take out your own phone. you can also shorten visits or see them less often if it’s not enjoyable to you.
        I can recommend looking at captain awkwards blog for more ideas.

    17. Artemesia*

      No way I am going to the work of hosting a dinner party to have someone playing on their phone during dinner. Only exception would be someone looking up something that comes up in discussion (being old many conversations at my dinner party begin with ‘it was you know, what’s his name, who was in that movie about that French novel by whosis’ — )

      If I had a friend who did that a lot I’d talk to them privately — if someone pulled out a phone during a dinner, I’d josh them about it right there — better to nip these things than to let them fester.

    18. Budgie Buddy*

      I think the most polite way to prompt someone to put the phone down is whenever you see the phone staying out, make a point to bring that person back into the conversation. Don’t mention the phone, just say “Bob- what about you? Do you think…”

      In my experience my phone hand usually starts twitching whenever I’m being left out of the conversation, or the topic is something I e heard before, or not something I have any relevant comment on. People tend to have the cause and effect backward – a lot of time people don’t disengage in favor of the phone, phones come out because people are already zoned out. So reframe it as a visual cue that the conversation has become unbalanced. If someone isn’t comfortable, isn’t it better to know?

      In my view, one person monopolizing the conversation is much ruder than a person checking a phone in a group because at least the phone checker isn’t insisting everyone else look at the phone and frowning on them if they dare get distracted. But the oversharers fly under the radar because that’s more socially acceptable.

      Phone – revenge of the quiet and the neuroduverse?

      1. Cooper*

        This is a great point about cause and effect– the phone makes it obvious that I’m completely disengaged, but in the days before the phone, I was just as distracted. But with a phone out, I can sit there absentmindedly scrolling Twitter until something in the conversation catches my ear and I can join in again. Without the phone, I’m probably going to wander off to the bathroom or just stare into space and be truly not participating in the conversation. It basically boils down to: do you want me to be engaging with the conversation, or do you want me to look to neurotypicals like I’m engaging? Because I can’t do both.

        1. Freya*

          This.

          Do you want me to listen to what you’re saying while looking at my phone (or doodling), or to stare at you creepily and hear nothing?

  2. ArtIsCool*

    I’ve been trying to learn German for the past three months. I know it’s still early, and it’s only been three months, but I find myself losing motivation.

    What motivated for me to start was to talk fluently with a German friend, but we had a sort of fall out the other day and am in no-speaking terms anymore. So that’s probably why I’m losing motivation, but I still sort of want to learn German. So I guess my question is, what motivates you to keep on going? Also, does anyone have recommendations on learning German other than using Anki or Duolingo? I’m very bad learning via textbooks but would be willing to try a good one.

    1. Teatime is Goodtime*

      Find more people who speak German or are learning it! Maybe you can find an actual German in Germany who wants to practice their English. People are hugely motivating for me, especially with languages.

      Otherwise: make practicing a habit as much as possible. So, all the advice about forming habits applies: fold it into your routine, do it at the same time every day, reward yourself if you do X amount, or whatever other methods work for you.

      Find media you like in the language or around the language. Since you’re way at the beginning: are there books you can read about Germany or Austria or Switzerland? What about a travel video, like on Netflix or something like that? The more excited you are, the more likely you are to want to practice. Also, usually you get some cultural information along with, which is really important.

      I’ll write back if I think of books to recommend.

    2. RitaRelates*

      I like to use YouTube videos. When I was learning Spanish, I found quite a few channels specifically for listening comprehension practice which is something I really needed to work on. I kept motivated by the excitement of eventually being bilingual and telling myself I’d travel to South America or Spain one day

      2. Crop Tiger*

        Be careful that you don’t let your interests divert you. I learned to read Portuguese because my favorite F1 drivers were Brazilian. I can’t speak it, but if you want to have a conversation about tires and down
        force, we’re all good. Anything else…I think I know Portuguese for garlic.

    3. Ana*

      I’ve been trying to refresh my German and just discovered that The Falcon and The Winter Soldier had German dub on Disney+. There might be other German dubbed movies/series there. (Though the German subtitles don’t match the dubbing.)

    4. Aspiring Francophone*

      If you are a podcast person check out “Coffee Break German”. Their French podcast was a favorite of mine when I was early in learning the language. Their episodes are usually 20 minutes or so, and they build upon each other in really practical ways. Start at the beginning and then jump forward to whatever episode/season feels appropriate with where you’re at.

      Seconding other commenters who recommend finding groups/other native speakers if you can. Language learning is hard and there can be a big gap between learning on your own and learning how to have more “natural” conversations. Practicing with those who are fluent will help, even when it’s frustrating. Good luck!

    5. Tau*

      I’ve been learning Spanish for around three years and have reached a decent level with it. Honestly, I find that the only way it works is if you talk to actual people. I threw $$$$ at the problem, in the form of:
      * taking a full-time language course in Spain for vacation a few times
      * then doing an evening Spanish course back home
      * once pandemic hit, taking private Zoom classes on iTalki

      I can, for the record, highly recommend iTalki (link to follow) – in addition to hooking you up with a private teacher, including “community tutor”s without professional credentials who are often so cheap per hour that I don’t use them because I’m worried it’s exploitative/contributes to devaluing the profession, it also allows you to find a free language exchange partner where you can practice each other’s language. I don’t use that functionality myself (my speech disorder was extremely strong when I was starting with Spanish and I honestly didn’t want to subject a tandem partner to it :/) but I could see it being very helpful.

      In general, language is a tool for communication and the only way I’ve been able to keep my motivation up, and to get to a point where I can actually speak the language, is by putting myself in situations where I’m using it to communicate. Trying to continue with just vocabulary decks, duolingo, online courses and the like always resulted in my motivation fizzling out shortly.

      Viel Glück und viel Spaß beim weiteren Lernen! Ich hoffe, dass dir das geholfen hat. :)

      2. Nicotene*

        Hmm, based on your last line I’m not sure your Spanish classes are as effective as you may have hoped! :D (kidding)

        1. Tau*

          Unfortunately, the only advice I can offer with learning specifically German is “be born to German parents”. :P

    6. Foreign Octopus*

      Honestly, my motivation rises and falls with Spanish even though I’m living in Spain. My Spanish is at a decent level that I can leave it without it deteriorating too badly for about six months when I generally get another burst of motivation to learn. I’m currently in a period of learning at the moment because I’ve got an appointment at the local tax office coming up and need to make sure my Spanish is ready for that. So don’t worry if your motivation isn’t always at 100%. Even if it’s at 1% you can still do some reading – just an article of a newspaper or something – or even listen to movie trailers on YouTube in German. It all counts.

      But I have to second what Tau recommends with iTalki.

      Full disclosure, I do teach English on iTalki but I also learn Spanish on there (and I had a brief flirtation with French back in the day) but you can choose your own teacher via your requirements i.e. native speaker, availability, etc., and the price point varies for community tutors and professional teachers. To give you an idea of price, I charge $20 per one-hour lesson for a conversation class and $25 per hour for exam preparation but I’m classed as a professional teacher because I have a CELTA. Community tutors are generally anywhere from $5-$20 but, honestly, the community tutors are fantastic. I’ve always had a wonderful experience with the Spanish ones.

    7. Richard Hershberger*

      I belong to a German-American Lutheran church. There are people who pop into the German service for the language, and we have a Saturday German language school. Depending on where you are, there might be something similar.

    8. Elf*

      I really like the old school Pimsleur language cds. I’m doing Portuguese with them right now. They are expensive, but I’ve been getting them from the public library, which is free.

    9. e271828*

      Motivation: I can’t tell you what will motivate you. For me it was interest in the 19c poets and some specific authors and movements, and also (initially) it was a non-Romance language so it was a pleasant challenge to break from those. I studied German at university and I continue to be engaged with German culture and so my comprehension, at least in reading, is still good. I can’t tell you what will motivate you. For me it was interest in the 19c poets and some specific authors and movements, in culture and history, and also (initially) it was a non-Romance language so it was a pleasant challenge to break from those.

      Reading: Your local library may be able to get comics/bandes dessines in German. I am specifically thinking of Asterix, as it’s funny, engaging, and, although not slangy, has dialogues, grammar, and so forth, and it has helped generations of students.

      Exposure to spoken language is very helpful for developing
      German media: there are some German-language subtitled shows on Netflix, at least, IDK about other sites. Check YouTube for dubbed shows. Bayerische Rundfunk has a streaming site for radio and there are other German stations streaming too. You can find something that suits you. Just having the radio on in the background helps habituate your ear and brain to the sounds of a new language.

      General help: If you aren’t aware of the Goethe Institut, you should be! https://www.goethe.de/en/index.html They have forums for practicing and you may be able to meet up with other students in your area for conversation!

      1. e271828*

        Sorry, something really weird happened with the entry box there!!

        Anyway, Übung macht der Meister, so do keep engaging with it if you want to progress!

    10. Not So NewReader*

      Just listen to it when you are not sitting down to study it. Play some German audios while fixing meals, driving, whatever. Maybe you can find a new channel online?
      My aunt lived with her German husband and MIL. She never studied German. The hubby and MIL spoke German so much in front of my aunt that she eventually caught on to what they were saying. (Yeah, I know, right? Her revenge was she never told them that she had finally learned to understand them. lol.)

    11. Atx*

      I recommend 1:1 classes or finding language partners to practice with who want to learn English. If I can be frank, duolingo is a waste of time and no app will teach you how to speak the language. Apps like that are good for people who are traveling somewhere and want to learn a few phrases, or are learning a challenging language then after a month or so move onto classes. Apps are also addicting and designed for you to waste time on, when you could be doing other productive things to learn.

      Imagine if you were learning how to play the guitar, could you learn how to play by never playing? The same concept applies to language learning. You really need to speak it and apply what you learn.

      This process takes time, especially for a Germanic language. Diplomats learn languages in record time but they’re taking 1:1 role play classes for 3 hours a day then study the rest on their own (they’re paid to learn the language and don’t work during this time). Romance languages take 3-4 months to learn and Germanic languages take 7-8 months. So imagine if you never speak it, how are you going to learn? (I know this info bc I know a professor who teaches to diplomats).

      Italki is a great place to find professors.

      Tandem for language partners.

      I’ve been learning languages for 5 years, speak fluent Spanish and Portuguese and started from scratch. I’ve downloaded ever y language app and none of helped me excel like taking classes with native professors. For Spanish, I felt confident in my speaking skills after 2 years of taking classes and practicing on my own.

      1. Teatime is Goodtime*

        I found Duolingo to be useful, but I agree with you that the app alone won’t teach you the language. The thing Duolingo does very well is repetition, repetition, repetition of the same basic things over and over and over again. I like(d) it for basic vocabulary and very basic grammar. Anything complicated or involving nuance or pronunciation or natural language formulations….nah. I think it makes the first hurdles in language learning a bit easier and provides a gamified system that is motivating for a subset of the population, so I think it is a useful thing to have on hand, but it’s not enough by itself.

    12. PiperWhite*

      There’s news in slow German. They speak slowly so you can catch on and then there is an intermediate level. There is also a French version which I am finding very helpful.
      www. newsinslowgerman.com
      As for motivation, plan a trip!

    13. Girasol*

      I like to do Duolingo Irish lessons in bed in the morning. It’s a mental warmup that just feels good.

    14. Ursula*

      I feel you. I’ve been trying to become fully fluent in Spanish off and on for years (and I even have relatives I speak it with, but it’s still hard!)

      A few things that have been working for me lately…

      1) Replacing routines/activities I usually do in English with Spanish. For example, I was doing yoga at home with YT videos in English, then I switched to Spanish yoga videos. I also like to watch cooking tutorials in Spanish and try to make the dish. I find this literally active listening cements the vocab for me and also doesn’t feel so much like studying.

      2) Like others have mentioned, I’ve been doing one-on-one virtual tutoring, but through Live lingua (just to give another option).

      3) listening to music, but in particular political rap and folk music that has more vocabulary than the top 40s stuff. I find learning the lyrics a more fun way to remember new words. (If you don’t already have German music you like, I like Peter Fox)

      Anyway hope that helps! :) I think it’s totally understandable for motivation to wax and wane. That’s why I’m trying to build some habits & I tell myself, just some Spanish everyday, at least 5 minutes

    15. slmrlln*

      For German specifically, if you live in or near a big city, see if there’s a Goethe Institut in your area. Their classes are expensive (and excellent), but they also organize other kinds of activities (like movie nights) where you can hear German, practice German, and meet other people who are doing the same.

    16. dieStreberin*

      Agh German, how I love/hate it! (and of course the Germans have a word for it – Hassliebe) Ten years I had to teach myself university-level German in 8 months from scratch and oh boy, it wasn’t pretty. But it’s doable, and once you’re fluent there’s no language like it – the precision of expression is intoxicating, and Germans/Austrians are funny as hell. If you’re someone that loves languages for their own sake, German is a tumultuous love affair well worth getting into. It’s incredibly high-maintenance right from the start (all that grammar!), but after you’ve put your brain through the blender you’ll come out the other side stronger ;)

      Aaaanyways, here are some resources that might be helpful:
      – A book that you absolutely need both for language learning and emotional support is Mark Twain’s The Awful German Language/ Die schreckliche Deutsche Sprache. It’s written in parallel text in English and German which is great for learning vocabulary, and it’s basically and essay-length rant about the impossibility of the German language – hilarious and true. Even if you don’t get the book definitely google the quotes.
      – I know it’s a total bummer, but you really do need grammar with German, the sooner the better. You don’t need a textbook if you have a good grammar book, coupled with your preferred method of learning vocabulary (reading/listening/whatever). “Die Gelbe Aktuell” is good to start with, but there are also many grammar websites out there.
      – Deutsche Welle has a ton of language-learning resources, including some good podcasts for different levels: https://www.dw.com/de/deutsch-lernen/s-2055 Slow German mit Annik Rubens is also a classic, great for beginners.
      – dictionaries: Dict.cc for looking up words, deepl.com for text translation that is waaay better than Google Translate
      – There are also good German-language series on Netflix (Dark, for example!), but I don’t think it’s ideal to start with that after 3 months.
      – For a beginner, I would suggest listening to/reading the German translation of a book you know well, so that you know what’s going on even if you only understand half the words. You’re much more likely to give up if you have to run to the dictionary every 2 minutes! (My Rosetta Stone is the third Harry Potter book, I have it in 7 languages, works like a charm!)

  3. Boundary Book Request*

    My friend told me her partner is a narcissist and asked for my advice setting boundaries with him?

    I don’t know what to tell her? I said I’d send her some resources (books, articles, podcasts, YouTube videos, etc) but really I’m just googling over here so do y’all have any resources that have helped you learn to set boundaries with narcissists?

    1. ..Kat..*

      The Out of the Fog is a great resource for understanding, setting boundaries, and otherwise dealing with people with personality disorders.

      Sometimes, the best way is to not be a partner with someone with a personality disorder. I.e., don’t marry them, have children with them, be in a business (or other joint effort) with them in the first place.

      1. ..Kat..*

        I know this sounds harsh, but the best way to protect yourself is to be able to identify and avoid partnering with someone with a personality disorder. This opinion was earned through several bad experiences.

        1. StellaBella*

          Echoing your comments and Kat’s.

          But talk to your friend about getting therapy to learn boundary setting if they can afford it. Brene Brown has good stuff on youtube and there is a subreddit about raised by narcissists that has good advice.

          I have been in three work relationships in my career where the director general big boss was a narcissist. One was fired after 38 complaints, 18 months of investigations, and losing half the organization to his villany. That is the only good thing to happen for those of us who were involved.

          All that said, BBR, your friend cannot fix the partner so the best thing would be to leave/block etc but if they cannot leave then I hope they can build strong boundaries against the gas lighting and such.

          1. Joan Rivers*

            Not only can your friend not “fix” their partner —

            but YOU can’t fix your FRIEND either. Your friend could google this just as well as you can, presumably.

        2. StripesAndPolkaDots*

          Hi, I have a personality disorder (not narcissism), as does my mother. I’ve been in therapy, take meds, and still have symptoms. I’m also married, have friends, and have had a career. Many people with personality disorders are just people with a mental illness. If you don’t want to associate with any of us, fine, but lumping us all together is ignorant. Not ever person with every personality disorder is abusive or terrible.

      2. AcademiaNut*

        Yeah, I’m inclined to agree with you. At the very least, don’t have kids with them, don’t combine finances, don’t have kids, don’t live together and don’t have kids. That way, you’ve got space to protect yourself, you can leave if it gets unbearable, and you aren’t knowingly saddling a child with the pain of being raised by a narcissist.

    2. Ana*

      I’d probably tell her to really really rethink having a relationsship with a narcissist.

    3. Princess Deviant*

      I’d second the recommendations to seriously rethink having a relationship with a narcissist, but if that’s a no-go then Meredith Miller on YouTube has fantastic videos about relationships with narcissists (in English and in Spanish!)

    4. Anona*

      This is a resource oft- mentioned, but Captain Awkward’s website is advice-style (like ask a manager), and has TONS of letters about setting boundaries. She has class act boundary advice.

    5. Not A Manager*

      Unless you’re an expert in personality disorders, I don’t see what information you will get from Google that she can’t get from Google.

      If I were you, I would focus on her perception that he’s a narcissist. Why does she use that term? If she means, “my partner is a boundary-stomping pain in the butt, how can I set limits,” then she’s not helping the situation by pathologizing him. She should just explore resources about dealing with pain-in-the-butt partners. If she means, “I have actual reason to believe that my partner meets the clinical criteria of a personality disorder,” then one of them needs help and it’s probably her. Helping her deal with that kind of situation is way above your pay grade, and most likely she needs support in realizing that it’s time to leave.

    6. Workerbee*

      Oof. If that’s an accurate assessment, the only way I’ve kicked free of narcissists in my life is to:

      -Wrench myself free with the help of a friend
      -No longer be of use to or provide whatever they were looking for, in which case suddenly I was “dead” to them

      Those people are experts at passing for real human beings—charming, charismatic, often brilliant, so focused on you!—when instead they’re just looking to fill up their hollow shell with your essence.

    7. WellRed*

      Why is she asking you instead of doing it yourself, if all you’re doing is googling?

      1. RC Rascal*

        +1. She wants you to solve a difficult problem that she needs to solve herself. That in and of itself is a problem and a sign of boundary issues. She wants to draw you into her drama.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Yep. She needs to do her own homework. You can role-model how not to get sucked into it.

    8. fposte*

      I hope she means set her own boundaries. You can’t make other people have boundaries; that’s a control thing.

      1. Joan Rivers*

        I don’t think you can “set limits” w/an actual Narcissist. Unless the boundary you’re setting is to keep your distance. If it’s a close relative you can try not to get triggered and to make your own choices. But choosing to be w/one when you don’t have to is just counter-productive to a healthy life.

        1. Ice Bear*

          I agree. Narcissists don’t respect other people’s boundaries. This person’s friend would be best terminating the relationship.

        2. fposte*

          That’s what boundaries are always going to be—they’re not about what the other person has to do, they’re about what you do.

        3. Generic Name*

          Sure you can. Limits and boundaries are about you and what you will tolerate. The hard part is deciding what to do when the other person doesn’t respect your boundaries, which is typical for a narcissist. Breaking up and going no contact is the best way to enforce your boundaries with a narcissist.

        4. Yelm*

          No, I have to disagree. You can ONLY set boundaries with a narcissist, and stick to them. The narcissist will not like it, and will push back. But honestly, there are so many websites and books on this subject, plus entire subreddits. I don’t know why she doesn’t start there.

    9. Disco Janet*

      This feels like a trick question. I’d say the best boundary to set would be a boundary for yourself that you don’t do serious relationships with narcissists who have no interest in changing (like serious therapy change). They make for terrible partners and worse parents.

    10. PollyQ*

      I’m wondering if when friend says “narcissist”, what she really means is “abuser” and that perhaps she’s asking you to do the research for her because she doesn’t feel safe doing it herself. Anyway, if you think that might be a possibility, I recommend Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft.

      1. Generic Name*

        Oooh, good tip. If she lives with her partner she could go to the library (hopefully they’re open in her area) and read a copy there. This isn’t a book I’d have sitting in my nightstand while living with my abuser.

    11. Small town*

      Perhaps she could read “The Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists” The author is Payson, I think. Best advice is what you see here. Run far, run fast.

    12. Budgie Buddy*

      Dr. Ramani’s videos on YouTube are the best. Her entire channel is devoted to the relationship dynamics with narcissists. (Hint: the advice boils down to “Accept that they suck and aren’t going to change.”)

  4. Teatime is Goodtime*

    Favorite Sandwich! Go! :)

    Right now, I’m loving honey mustard, aged cheddar and oodles of veggies, olives and artichoke hearts on ciabatta roll.

    2. PollyQ*

      Sourdough bread, very rare roast beef, very sharp cheddar, Dijon or grainy mustard. (The leftover veggies can go in a salad.)

    3. Foreign Octopus*

      I’m really simple: Sliced turkey on a sesame bap with mayonnaise, maybe some spinach if I’m trying to be healthy.

    4. Bobina*

      I need to eat more sandwiches, but I have fond memories of a really nice boiled egg (a super fresh egg), butter, salt, pepper and tomatoes on some extremely basic white bread.

      The other side is roasted veggies (peppers, onions), sun dried tomatoes, some kind of sharp dressing in a ciabatta.

    5. Princess Deviant*

      Wholewheat pitta, toasted, stuffed with shredded cabbage and carrot mixed with vegan mayo, kebab ‘meat’, and sweet chilli sauce. It’s delish without the meat, just coleslaw and sweet chilli sauce, too.

      I also love, love, love Isa Chandra Moskowitz’s shitake banh mí. In fact, I think I might have that today ❤️

      1. RussianInTexas*

        One of my favorite summer dinners is a pita pocket, feta, cucumbers, scallions, bell peppers, whatever herbs you want.

    6. Buni*

      EITHER cold roast beef, lettuce and a ton of mayonnaise on granary,

      OR smoked ham, smoked cheese and mayonnaise on – and this is the really important bit – a brioche roll.

    7. Anona*

      A ciabatta roll with prosciutto, provolone, olive oil marinated tomatoes, and some greens, with a mayo/dijon spread.

    8. Elf*

      Good rye bread, very rare roast beef (leftover from my Christmas roast is the best I get all year), horseradish and mayo, plus some lettuce or sprouts

    9. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Varies!
      Hard salami and provolone on a crusty bread roll.
      Creamy peanut butter and homemade strawberry jam on wheat.
      Sliced turkey and cheddar with yellow mustard and mayonnaise.
      Bacon and mayo on toast.

      … mostly I just like sandwiches. But I don’t much care for veggies on my sandwiches.

    10. Hotdog not dog*

      I had a delicious broccoli Rabe, roasted pepper, and fresh mozzarella with basil on a nice, soft Italian roll the other day, although that’s not something I could eat every day, it was fabulous!

    14. Queer Earthling*

      Absolute all-time fave? Cold turkey, bacon, tomato, greenery (prefer spinach but I’ll take lettuce in a pinch), cheddar or gouda, some mayo (MUST touch the tomato!) and maybe some mustard, on either toasted wheat bread or a bagel.

      Runner-up is roast beef and swiss on a Hawaiian roll, lightly toasted in the oven, with some horseradish.

    15. Firefly*

      New fave: grilled cheese with caramelized onions, like a French Onion Soup sandwich.

      All-time best sandwich I ever ate was called a Thanksgiving Club, and it was turkey, stuffing, cranberry sauce, and sautéed spinach.

      1. Sleeping Late Every Day*

        I make grilled cheese with caramelized onions, too, with hot beef/onion broth for dipping. My family has seriously considered having this for Thanksgiving because it’s pretty much the best food ever.

    16. GoryDetails*

      If you count wraps, I found a recipe some years back for a wrap featuring roasted eggplant in a balsamic dressing, with some hummus and greens – I used arugula. Really tasty!

      For ordering-at-cafes sandwiches, I might go for a good grilled cheese or a BLT (plus avocado if that’s an option).

      Growing up, I spent an entire school year having the same sandwich for lunch: Oscar Meyer bologna on Wonder Bread with mayo. Not my most adventurous dish, but it was quick and easy to assemble, and at the time I prioritized the long walk to and from school at noon over the actual making-and-eating-lunch part – I spent the walk daydreaming.

    17. Rain rain go away*

      Currently loving whole wheat pita, with an olive tapenade and tuna prepared with fresh basil, marinated artichokes, squeeze of lemon, and capers.

    18. ThatGirl*

      I had a killer BLT riff last week, it was fried green tomato, bacon, buffalo mozzarella, arugula and pesto aioli on ciabatta.

    19. RussianInTexas*

      Reuben. Or go full Russian, rye bread, butter, raw onion, salted herring, dill.

      1. Joan Rivers*

        I recently realized, “Never pass up a Reuben if there’s a chance it’ll be good.” Never had a bad one.

    22. Nicole76*

      Homemade chicken salad (rotisserie chicken with mayo, celery, red grapes, salt, and pepper) on a croissant.

    23. All Monkeys are French*

      I don’t eat sandwiches all that much, but lately we’ve gotten into making tofu banh mi for dinner: marinated and fried tofu, cucumber, cabbage/jalapeno/cilantro slaw, sriracha mayo and preserved lime on a baguette. It’s messy, but freaking delicious.

    24. Sleeping Late Every Day*

      I get on grilled sandwich kicks in cooler weather. My basic is extra-sharp cheddar for flavor and Munster for meltiness, on a grainy wide-loaf bread. A heartier version has a layer of lightly crispy bacon, thinly sliced tart apples (like Granny Smith), and a sprinkle of Penzey’s Bavarian Seasoning between the cheeses. Another is Munster and Gruyere with caramelized onions between the cheeses, on a hearty farmhouse white, grilled and served with beef/onion broth for dunking. A surprisingly delicious sandwich is sliced Spam Lite baked until the slices are slightly crisped; use Hawaiian or potato bread, spread with honey mustard, pile on the baked Spam slices, then cut pineapple rings or well-drained crushed pineapple, topped with sliced green pepper and sharp cheddar cheese, then grill the sandwiches to make Hawaiian Reubens. If you just can’t do Spam, ham will do.
      For warm weather, I love a good tuna or ham salad sandwich or a BLT.

    25. Sleepless*

      My daughter works at an Italian restaurant, and my newest favorite thing is their veggie wrap: naan with grilled veggies (zucchini, mushrooms, bell peppers, and onions) with tzatziki sauce.

      Otherwise, I can never go wrong with turkey, provolone, avocado, and bacon on sourdough.

    26. SaraV*

      Bacon and cream cheese on cinnamon raisin toast

      More traditional sandwich would be a turkey bacon bravo from Panera

    27. T. Boone Pickens*

      Pastrami. All the pastrami. Pastrami on a hero roll with spicy mustard, Cole slaw and Swiss cheese toasted. Yup, sign me up for that.

    28. Chantel*

      I riff a sandwich I first had in a Manhattan restaurant 20 years ago:

      Large portobello ‘shroom cap halved sideways, with freshly-cooked baby spinach, roasted red peppers, and melted provolone cheese on top, between two slices of a toasted bun.

      I consider it my second husband.

    29. Cabin Fever*

      That sounds delicious! My current favorite is turkey, greens, cheddar, and sliced apple with whole grain mustard on fresh sourdough.

    30. Rebecca Stewart*

      Toss up between a patty melt with bacon added or a steak quesadilla. (I call it a toasted sandwich, bread’s just different!)

    31. *daha**

      A good, honest reuben from a place with access to quality pastrami. And suddenly I’m craving a monte cristo, which I haven’t had in years.

    32. StripesAndPolkaDots*

      Banh mi from our local Vietnamese sandwich shop. Pork roll, pate, ham, picked veggies, jalapeño, and that special mayo sauce that’s unlike any other mayo I’ve ever had. Perfection.

    33. AnonInCanada*

      This thread is making me drool :-)~~~

      My personal favourite: take one croissant, cut it in two, stick some turkey breast (the real stuff, not any of that pre-packed crap,) bacon, mayo, aged cheddar, tomatoes, lettuce and pickles inside it, give it a couple of minutes in your toaster oven to melt the cheese a little, and thank me later when you experience a mouth orgasm!

    34. Slinky*

      This is a tough one! I think I’m going to go with the Suzanne Sugarbaker from A Super Upsetting Cookbook about Sandwiches by Tyler Kord (highly recommend!). Spread some mayonnaise on white bread. Top it with homemade fried mushrooms and pickled peaches. It’s weird but so good. Links to follow.

  5. Frally*

    If we accidentally hurt a pet, do they know it’s an accident? The other day I was standing in the kitchen and didn’t realize my sweet doggie was right behind me. I turned around and stepped on her paw, and she yelped with pain. I felt terrible! I gave her a ton of rubs and scritches, kept telling her I was sorry, but does she understand I didn’t mean to do it, or was she just wondering why I abused her? I know she’s forgotten about it by now, but I do wonder what pets think when something like that happens.

    1. Ana*

      I have never had a dog but I think I have seen them react the same way when they have accidently hurt someone they liked so they might be able to extrapolate that when a human accidently hurt them?

      1. Beatrice*

        Yes! Mine has accidentally hurt me during play before (most recently, accidentally nipped a bit of my arm skin during vigorous play, while grabbing at a toy), and he always reacts to my pain sounds by stopping, wagging, licking, and general apologetic behavior. I assume if he can do that, he can understand if I accidentally trip over him or step on him. He does know I make him take baths on purpose though, and tends to be lots less forgiving about that, lol.

        1. Jeeptrixie*

          Same here! I had two of my cats on the bed sleeping one night. One made a sudden move, and the other went to swat him with a paw that had her claws unfurled. By accident, she caught me on my forearm (I sat up upon waking to intervene), and I received a nasty wound that required a doctor’s treatment. She was very sorry for what she did! But this particular cat is always my nurse whenever I don’t feel well (if I lay on the bed during the day, she assumes it is time to become my nurse by keeping close by). But I swear she was apologetic.

    2. Virginia Plain*

      If you immediately gave her lots of positive attention with pets and talking to her in your good-dog voice, I’m sure she understood. She probably forgot about her paw by the time you finished her belly rubs!
      There’s a psychological thingy, I forget the name, it’s a type of bias, where the last thing you tell someone is the thing they are likely to remember most (good tip when giving presentations!) and that applies to humans who have a bit more complex thinking than dogs. I bet this sort of concept applies here!

    3. WS*

      I think they’re startled, but it takes a lot more than that to override everything else they know about you. Especially if you then comfort them.

    4. Princess Deviant*

      I don’t think they can differentiate really what an accident is, but I think that with lots of love and cuddles afterwards they ‘forgive’ you :)
      I once rolled over my cat’s tail with the office chair, and it was awful! But he recognises the words “sorry”, plus he likes the cuddles if I do actually step on him. You’d think he’d learn to not be behind me so often, I’m constantly on the lookout!

    5. Not A Manager*

      According to Oliver Wendell Holmes, “even a dog knows the difference between being stumbled over and being kicked.” I think this is a true statement.

      1. Joan Rivers*

        YES, they understand us when we speak.
        Look at animals before a storm — they’re much more aware than we are. We have to read one is coming, but animals have shown they sense it and start preparing.
        They have a 6th sense in many ways, flying thousands of miles to the same spot annually, etc. We know they have gut feelings they use all the time in life.
        They communicate w/each other, too. All this is documented in science.
        And when I’ve believed my cat can get what I’m saying, and spoken to her that way, she HAS. Even though she acted oblivious until I showed intent and belief. She’ll respond if I ask one question but not another. “Want a treat? Want a nice dinner? Later.”

      2. Not So NewReader*

        Nailed it right there. Yep, they know. You handled it perfectly, OP. See this one is a two way street, you can teach your dog that stomping on your foot hurts, or jumping on you hurts. I have done this by saying OUCH! even if it did not hurt that much. Dogs quickly learn that they made a mistake and they too will ask forgiveness, with little nose bumps or little licks. I call that “resetting the connection”, it’s very similar to the way we pet them and say we are sorry. We reset our connection to them. Dogs will mimic that reset in their own way if they make a mistake.

        Both dogs and cats will forgive much quicker than many humans- you will notice a remarkable difference.

      3. Jackalope*

        My cats totally understand that I’m clumsy and hurt them accidentally. They will forgive me pretty quickly after I apologize. I notice that they do, however, tend to give me more space for the rest of the day if I’m doing the thing that caused me to hurt them. So for example they will happily come sit on my lap if I’m sitting down but if I stand up and I earlier stepped on their tails by accident they will move away and give me more space until I sit down again.

    6. Nicotene*

      I think about this in terms of my cat, who I don’t think realizes that I can’t see in the dark like she can; if I get up at night, sometimes she’s lying across the doorframe or on the bathroom tile and I walk right into her / step on her. She must be so confused by this!! I always yelp which I think helps her to understand, and then apologize with lots of petting, but since she can presumably see perfectly well she must really wonder about me.

      2. Seeking Second Childhood*

        When I had my dog, I took to walking toe first at night–sliding my foot along the floor so I’d poke her not step on her. (This skill proved helpful in the toddler & LEGO brick days.)

    7. aubrey*

      Yes they understand! You can see how puppies or kittens act when they accidentally bite too hard when playing and then make up with each other. Just yesterday one of my adult cats jumped off the counter and collided with the other one, and he groomed her after she yelped. So if you make apologise with attention and petting they do seem to understand it was an accident.

      1. Queer Earthling*

        Yes, this! Dogs are social animals and they are perfectly capable of accidentally hurting each other, so they do understand that their big clumsy friend might have accidents, too, and when you make a big fuss after they know it’s an apology. Same with cats, and even pet rats.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Yep. We used to baby-sit my previous dog’s brother. We had the sister. Those two had their own relationship that did not include us. Sis was really rough with her bro. (She was a total PITA.) I could not keep up with all the things she was doing to him- tugging his tail, his leg, his belly- omg. Finally he let out a growl that was so soft yet so deadly. He meant business and I had no doubt he was going to actually hurt her. She knew and she cut her crap. It came to a full stop once bro growled.

    8. Mimmy*

      This made me think of the time when my sister’s cat was with us (back when I was still living at home) and I accidentally stepped on her paw. She let out a scream I’ve never heard before or since from a cat. She took off and hid under the dining room table until my sister came home sometime later. I felt so awful :( I think pets can forgive easily as long as you are otherwise very loving and take good care of them.

    9. JobHunter*

      I think so, especially well-socialized pets. My hound is like a bull in a china shop and very emotional. She seems to understand both ‘Are you OK?’ and ‘Sorry!’. She wags her tail and curls in for the hug after the apology. She ‘apologizes’ when she accidentally hurts us by bowing when she hears us yelp and wagging her tail, giving kisses, and making a big show of giving us space for a while.

    10. Tea and Sympathy*

      My brother once accidentally stepped on the tail of my mother’s cat. She yelped and ran a little ways away. He sat in a chair near her and very sincerely apologized. She came over to him and rolled her “welcome home” roll as an obvious acceptance of his apology. The communication there was so clear, it was a bit amazing.

      1. pancakes*

        I will never not smile at that tweet or Miette’s little face no matter how many times it crosses my path!

    12. Sleeping Late Every Day*

      If the dog isn’t acting any different around you, she probably doesn’t even remember it.

  6. WoodswomanWrites, seeking advice for aging parent*

    I posted in the past about ideas for figuring out how to set up financial plans when my 93-year-old mother comes to the end of her savings soon. The advice I got her for setting things up with my siblings so we can support her was useful and that’s all taken care of.

    She has been remarkably physically healthy and at last the years have caught up with her. She is having some medical issues and she is losing her cognitive functioning. It started becoming apparent occasionally about a year ago but has accelerated recently. She forgets things she said a few minutes ago and repeats them. If she doesn’t write something down, it’s gone. The good news is that she is set up for life care based on her needs. She lives in her own apartment in a retirement community and gets her meals in their dining room with a refrigerator and microwave in her own place, having moved herself there many years ago. Should she ever need assisted living or be bed-ridden, those options are available for her in the same building at no extra charge. She has no appliances that could be a hazard in her place, she has a medic alert she wears in case she falls, she’s happy, her friends and the staff look out for her.

    While she’s managing fine with her routine and taking her daily blood pressure medication without forgetting and gets herself to meals and other scheduled things, she is increasingly needing help remembering things and understanding what’s going on with her medical appointments. She and I have arranged for all the HIPAA paperwork with her medical team so they can communicate with me. Fortunately I live nearby and I schedule all her appointments, drive her, and take notes she can reference. She increasingly needs more attention. My siblings who live far away are grateful that I’m here, and so am I. My employer is understanding and gives me all the flexibility I need.

    I’d love to get any advice from those of you who have gone through this about how to navigate things emotionally. I’m hoping that she can be independent enough not to have to move her into assisted living at some point at her kids’ initiative instead of hers, and I’m trying not to go down the road of what ifs. I’ve been lucky to have such a fantastic parent (not the case with my father who died decades ago after they were long divorced), and going through this is just tough. I’m on top of the logistics with the help of my siblings. It’s the emotional stuff I welcome advice about.

    1. Emma*

      This is a really tough situation, I’m sorry you’re dealing with it.

      For people who struggle with memory, going over old photos or stories is often helpful – usually older memories don’t fade as much as new ones. So that might be something you could do together, which could help her feel a bit more anchored, while also giving you the opportunity to think on some happy memories and feel more like a daughter/son and less like a carer.

    2. Copper Penny*

      Make sure the emotional burden flows outwards. So your siblings who are further away from the situation should not vent to you. And their spouses or children should not vent to them. The emotional burden does not need to be any greater on you.

      1. Generic Name*

        Ooh, this is a good one. If your siblings can’t physically help, maybe they can provide you emotional support.

    3. Hotdog not dog*

      Oh boy. I went through this with my late grandmother in her final years, and it was hard. Like your mother, the logistics were in pretty good order so it was primarily emotional labor. While she was physically able, I would take her to local parks, gardens, museums, restaurants, performances, etc. Sometimes those activities triggered memories for her and she was able to share some wonderful stories. Other times we would just sit together in her room. It’s difficult to patiently listen to the same stories, questions, and comments over and over, but I was able to frame it as an act of service for someone I loved very much. She would become agitated when she thought she was “slipping”, so I always tried to play it off that we were just having a pleasant conversation, even if it was for the third time in five minutes. I knew I couldn’t have my grandma back the way she was, but even when she couldn’t quite remember my name she always lit up with a big smile when I arrived. At the very end she lost her ability to speak at all, but when I sat with her and held her hand she would visibly relax and sometimes even smile and squeeze my hand.
      Now, years later, I see those last months with her as a gift we gave each other. I brought her peace and comfort, and she taught me that even after nearly everything else is gone, love remains. I was sitting with her, holding her hand, when she passed. It was the most profound, peaceful, and beautiful thing I’ve ever experienced. She looked at me, smiled, and softly exhaled.
      I don’t really have advice for you; just that although it’s almost unbearably hard, you will likely find strength and beauty where you aren’t expecting it. Try to enjoy the good moments, make the best of the bad ones, and know that you are doing something good and loving and necessary for both yourself and your family.

      1. sagewhiz*

        Though I have (luckily, not yet) not gone thru this with my own 93-yr-old mom, for lots of solid info on all aspects, I recommend getting “Connecting Caregivers—Answers to Questions You Didn’t Know You Needed to Ask” (amazon). Linda Burhans “stumbled” into her career as caregiver to caregivers after her own mother died. She also has a weekly radio show via FB. (Transparency: I edited the book. And learned tons!)

      2. Sleeping Late Every Day*

        How lucky you were to go through that together! I read or heard somewhere that one of the greatest gifts we can give someone is to assist them in dying – not in the medical sense, but just helping someone make that last transition.

      3. Just me again*

        “Now, years later, I see those last months with her as a gift we gave each other. I brought her peace and comfort, and she taught me that even after nearly everything else is gone, love remains.”

        That is so beautiful… What a wonderful blessing you were able to be for each other. Thank you for sharing.

    4. tab*

      It’s so hard to watch a parent you love go through this. Although she struggles with her short term memory, she still remembers her past. This is a great time to ask her about her early life. You’ll get great stories, and it will make her happy. I’m sending you a virtual hug. Your mom is lucky to have you.

    5. Teatime is Goodtime*

      Oh this is so hard. I’m sorry. I’ve been only mildly involved in this process with two grandmothers and a friend’s mother, but I wanted to add a few things that might help? All of those situations had their challenges, especially emotionally.

      First off: you’re amazing for doing what you are doing! But do, please, try to remember to build in breaks for yourself as a caregiver. It can feel difficult to step away (what if X happens and I’m not there?!?), but caregiver burn-out is a real thing and adds so much stress on top. For example, my aunt took a set number of weeks of “vacation” (she was usually still in town), in which my mother or one of the other siblings flew out and took over the day-to-day care. I think this was great because it gave her a break (especially emotionally), but it also made the conversations about care with her siblings easier–they saw themselves what was going on, experienced what it was like, and had context for the things she was bringing up. Everyone being on the same page, more or less, without her having to explain at length was a huge thing and lightened her burden immensely.

      Second: I was very unprepared for how frustrated and *angry* one of my grandmothers would get when she started losing access to memory, especially vocabulary words in the moment, but was still there-enough to be aware that she was forgetting. If this happens to your mother, do whatever you can to reframe her reactions as about her and not about you. For a while we were all getting snapped or yelled at constantly and that was…shocking and upsetting for the first few rounds. But really, she was just scared and frustrated! It was a phase and it settled down: after a while she seemed to accept it and became more grateful for our trying-to-be-helpful suggestions of ways to finish her sentences.

      Ironically, right after that phase, she settled into one dominated by the most positive emotions: earnest, thankful, loving messages, being grateful about everything and everyone…it was a switch! It was nice, but also hard in its own way because it was so intense. I got a lot of “Grandmother to Granddaughter” speech-conversations in which she tried to impart all of her worldly wisdom about being a woman and a mother and all sorts of things. It was really interesting but it was also very emotional.

      Thirdly: all three people that I helped care for started to slowly lose their filters. That means I know some stuff I shouldn’t know about people I am related to. Like, some really big things that I really shouldn’t know. I was unprepared for how much I needed to process that for myself.

      So my last piece of advice is related to all of this: Find the people on team YOU and ask for help. Find a friend to meet for coffee once a week, where you reserve a half hour to spew whatever you need to about your mother. Give yourself some time off every once in a while. It has the potential to be totally dominating for you, both in terms of time and emotions and…just, give yourself a break as much as you can. You’re in this for the long haul and there’s probably plenty of people like me would be willing to help!

    6. Jay*

      Been there personally and work with people in this situation professionally. It is HARD. Gentle hugs to you and I echo everything said already about self-care. Take some time to think about what you need and what can make the rest of your life easier. I’m not just talking about daily things you can throw money at like housecleaners and grocery delivery (although that helps a lot, too). It’s what you need to have some emotional reserve to cope with the bad days. What feeds your soul? Do you need time outside? Time alone? Time with friends? Physical soothing like soft fluffy things or lovely scents or colors that make you feel happy? I needed time with friends and so I asked a couple of my besties to meet up regularly. It wasn’t even to talk about my mom; it helped me stay connected to the rest of the world and to my adult self.

      The Alzheimer’s Association has great suggestions on how to be with people who are losing their memory. We tend to treat them like children, and we have a subconscious expectation that they will learn like children. They don’t, and that adds to our frustration. “I showed you how to do this yesterday! Why don’t you remember?” Because she can’t, and she never will. Resetting expectations helps a lot. The Alzheimer’s Association also has local and online support groups if you’re a support group sort of person.

      Hugs again. Your mom is lucky to have you.

    7. Anono-me*

      I am glad that you gave a plan in place for the financial and logistical parts. That is a huge part of it.

      Here are some things that might help with the rest of it:

      Let the people help. Right now you feel like you have your Mom’s appointments etc under control, which is good. But if a sibling is in town and offers, let them do it. Reason one is their feeling of contributing to both you and Mom. Two is more visit time with Mom. Three is a better understanding of Mom’s day to day challenges. Four is conservation of your resources for later.

      One big medical history book. You say you have been taking good medical notes for your Mom. Can you put everything in one big 3 ring binder? That way you have everything together if you need information and if one of the siblings takes Mom to an appointment, they can the notes so you are still in the loop. Bonus if you can write big using a felt tip pen or print out the notes in a large font.

      Consider a separate email just for all things Mom medical care. It is much easier to keep everything straight and you can share the access with your siblings as appropriate without having to give up more of you or Mom’s privacy.

      Can you keep several copies of a list of your Mom’s current medications handy for her medical appointments. Be sure to date them, so you don’t grab an outdated one. This will save you time at the doctor’s.

      Talking to someone who knows you, nut that you can not remember is frustrating and stressful. Can you hang some big current labeled photos of the people most apt to visit your Mom? Bonus points if you can set them up so that Mom can see the photos and read the labels from her favorite chair.

      Go through old albums with your Mom. (Often older memories are clearer. ) If she agrees, record them for transcribing later.

      Self care. You are worth it. Also if you don’t take care of you, pretty soon you can’t take care of anyone, including you and Mom. There are lots of components to this, but two that I think everyone in your position should do are to have a “If X then Y Plan.” and atleast 3-4 hours of you time a week.

      The if X then Y plan is a list of what you know you can and can not handle down the road before it becomes an obstacle. For example: if Mom needs help bathing, and/or dressing; we need to get PCA. Because of a variety reasons including that you cannot long term run over to your Mom’s every morning before work and every night before bed.

      If you and Mom have a hard week, it can be helpful to remind yourself that have a 4 hour window Saturday morning when sibling X or Y or Z will make sure that Mom is safe, either by being present or by being the one to take any emergency calls.

      I wish all the grace and strength that you need for this beautiful difficult part of your lives.

      1. Anono-me*

        Forgot to add, I find it helpful to have some green live plants in the house. Mostly super low maintenance bamboo shoots in rocks and water.

      2. Squeakrad*

        I think what you’re doing is amazing my echo the thoughts are there is a post about getting your own emotional health. But I’m wondering what your resistance is to assisted-living? It sounds like in someways assisted-living is exactly what your mom may need. I have had friends in a similar spot and I don’t list difficult for them to make that decision, it’s worked out great to move up a tier

    8. Katefish*

      The 36 Hour Day is a great read about what to expect with memory issues. My mom is one of the primary caregivers in our family and she and I both found it enormously helpful. Unfortunately, I don’t have anything for the emotional side – it’s a long tough journey that depends on the day.

    9. Squidhead*

      I know you said you don’t want to get bogged down in “what-ifs” so disregard if this is too much in that vein: Pre-planning for some predictable, challenging times might help you and your siblings. Specifically regarding medical care–if you and your siblings haven’t already had conversations with her about “what would she want in an emergency?” (hospitalization, CPR, ventilator, dialysis, etc), have those conversations now while it isn’t an emergency. Of course you won’t be able to predict every possible thing but if you all agree that “she would never want XXX” then this is an important thing to put into writing and communicate to the team at her residence. Conversely, if you all agree “she believes that life should be sustained by any measure,” then this would help guide a decision about starting certain treatments.

      Of course I hope she never has a medical emergency and you never need to consider these decisions. Or perhaps you have already thought long and hard about them and have no need to delve into them further. But too often I see a patient who is no longer able to express their own wishes (due to chronic and/or emergent medical conditions) and the family realizes they aren’t sure what the patient would have wanted, which just adds tension and heartache to a difficult time. Since you specifically mention “not wanting to move her into assisted living at her kids’ initiative instead of her own,” focusing on using her own opinions as a guidepost for future medical care may be a good framework thinking & talking about this.

      Best wishes to you and your Mom for gentle, enjoyable days.

    10. LuckySophia*

      Things I witnessed as multiple Aunties’ cognition deteriorated:

      They are aware of, and deeply embarrassed by, their mental slippages and word-searching. If you can intuit their roundabout references, e.g.: “…I don’t have what the Doctor said…” it can help to give a open-ended reply that includes some of the key words they might be searching for: “Is there a prescription you need to get at the drugstore? I can go there if you need anything.”

      The embarrassment (mentioned above) can quickly escalate to shame if they are scolded for their forgetfulness. Please don’t let anyone scold them! When Auntie asked, for the third time in 20 minutes, whether her next doctor’s appointment was “on Wednesday?” her old-enough-to-know-better son lashed out: “Mom!! We just talked about this TWICE already. I TOLD you it’s Wednesday!” It was obvious she felt humiliated to have her “failing” called out in front of other people.

      Watch for the point when “writing things down” no longer helps, because she forgets to look at those notes…or she reads them, but doesn’t retain the information for more than a few minutes. It was about at this point when another Auntie also lost her ability to read a digital clock…she couldn’t correlate the digits with “what time she was supposed to go to the dining room.” The purchase of an analog clock helped for a little while, but eventually she lost the ability to correlate that clock with daily events also.

      Others have commented on the value of looking at old photos or asking about events from decades past. I second that! Another really amazing thing was, even while experiencing cognitive difficulties, when my Aunties got together and were reminiscing about their childhood hi-jinks…one of them would start singing a song they had learned as children or teens, and without hesitation the others would join in, in perfect vocal harmony. And they remembered ALL the words and notes. They would usually go through four or five songs in a row, with great zest and HUGE smiles! So try sharing music they loved from decades past, and see if that brings your mother joy.

      The last time I visited one Auntie, I could tell she could not longer grasp who I was, despite my attempts at verbal prompts like “Hello, Auntie, it’s me, your lovin’ niece…I drove up from (My Town) today to visit you!” Even though she didn’t have a clue who I was, she was still pleased to have “a visitor” who was interested to speak with her.

      I wish you strength, patience and compassion in abundant measure.

      1. Sleeping Late Every Day*

        When my aunt started losing memory and cognitive function, one of the saddest things for me was when we were talking and she was trying to tell me something, then looked at me with such a desperate look and said, “I don’t have the words any more.” I think it took so much for her to admit that, since she’d been kind of faking things for quite a while.

    11. Not So NewReader*

      Gear up for worst case scenario and keep hoping for the best.

      This means self-care. We went right down to the basics with my mother. If someone did not spoon feed her then she did not eat. The amount of energy that went into her care was staggering. Start planning now how you will spread out the responsibilities. The solution to everything cannot possibly be, “I’ll do it!” This is how caregivers die before the care recipient. Not exaggerating, this is super serious stuff.

      For yourself start now with eating nourishing foods, connecting with supportive people, even go as far as considering taking in less news and there are many other things that go into self-care. Get your own self-care plan up and rolling, just in case you need to do a harder journey here that one would ever want.
      This is not a waste of time. A body that does not have adequate nutrition/rest/hydration will be also have a mind that is more vulnerable to emotional pain and have more difficulty mentally processing emotional pain. Fortify with self-care.

      Next. You know me and talking about grief. Grief isn’t just for funerals. It’s also for a loved one’s final illness and their slow fade from our lives. I sometimes think this is actually harder than a funeral, honestly. But learning more about grief and having that insight can be a powerful tool in communicating with emotional and seemingly opinionate family members. If we know even a little about how grief works, we can cut through a lot of clutter (okay, crap) and get to the heart of things. (“Why am I so mad that sibling Bob lost mom’s house key? This is not a big deal, but I am hopping mad.” Grief can really contort things into bigger issues. This is why so many relationships among the living end when a person they had in common passes.)

      And last, keep an eye on her meds. google, talk to the pharmacist etc. Some med combos are big no-nos and not everyone realizes that the combo can contribute to mental decline.

      FWIW, my father was my good parent. And it was super hard watching him backslide. IMO, he had a horrible life, reality is that other’s have had worse lives. But I was overwhelmed by all he had pulled himself through then came his final bout. In that moment I was so very humbled to see that the best we can do some times is just be a soft place to land. We can put ourselves between them and the concrete and we know it’s not going to do that much but it is the best we can give them. (And yeah, there’s that element where we know this is going to really freakin’ hurt us, too.)
      I redefined what success looked like. Success became helping to lessen his discomfort, his worries, and keeping negative away from him as much as possible. It’s super important to remember: Their final decline/illness is NOT the sum total of their lives. There is much more to their life story, this is only part of the story.

    12. ronda*

      does her retirement community have any resources for the families in a counseling type way?

      Maybe meet some of the families of other residents and have a chance to talk to some folks in the same boat as you.

    13. WoodswomanWrites*

      So much wonderful advice here, thank you. I’m taking it in and will respond more fully later.

    14. Tuesday*

      Your description sounds a lot like my mother about three years ago, but I’m the out-of-town sister. My mother ended up moving in with my sister, though she still wanted to remain at home. Like your mother, my mom has been a fantastic parent, and witnessing her sadness about losing her independence feels like a knife in my heart. What I have started doing is setting aside a little while each day to write down my thoughts. I don’t keep a journal (I toss what I write regularly), I just scribble out everything that’s weighing on me. It helps me organize my thoughts, helps clear my head, and I feel less burdened by emotions for the rest of the day. I think I’m less distracted by thoughts, memories, and worries because some part of my mind knows it will be able to focus on these things soon. I don’t know if that will work for you, but I thought I’d mention it here because before I started doing this, I was feeling really emotionally overwhelmed (and as I said, I’m not even the one who is there every day). The other small thing I’ve found that helps me is immediately stepping outside after I wake up. I was starting to feel a rush of anxiety flowing through my body upon waking up but stepping outside makes me feel a bit calmer. I try to think about how this part of my mom’s life doesn’t negate all the other positive times that came before it – it’s just a very, very difficult stage. Hang in there. I wish you and your mother well.

    15. NoLongerYoung*

      Sending you a virtual hug. What a gift to have your care and planning. I agree the emotional is the hardest.
      Thank you for asking the questions and for others in sharing. Taking notes here (following with my parent in close time frame here).
      No advice, just support.

    16. Loves libraries*

      So sorry you are going through this. Both of my parents lived to 89 but Alzheimer’s took both of them. They moved to a senior living place that had all levels of care for me, so I would not have to struggle like my husband did with his mother. Your siblings need to know how to support you from a distance. While your mother still enjoys phone conversations, make sure your siblings know to call her. When a cousin in a distant state was caring for our aunt, I would send post cards from travels as well as post cards I made from photos. My cousin said they read each one many, many times.

    17. WoodswomanWrites*

      I am grateful for all the encouraging responses. I know I share this journey with so many others but it’s easy to forget that, and I’m sure I’ll be coming back here to reread your comments.

      A few things in response. First, I’m lucky to have wonderful siblings. All of us are patient when our mother repeats herself and none of us say a word to her about that. Although my siblings are all out of state, they stay connected with my mom. They all also actively check in about how they can help not only her but how they can support me. My sister, a retired nurse, has useful perspective and great suggestions about practical stuff. She takes on as much as she can to help my mom from a distance and just as important, is helpful to talk with when I just need to vent. My mom and I can talk with her on FaceTime so she can provide direct help. She’s the most nearby, a day’s drive away and retired, and has offered to come down if needed.

      The fact that my mom is living in such a good retirement facility means I don’t have to take on physical caregiving should it come to that, a real relief. I take her to medical appointments. My earlier note about hesitancy for assisted living was reflecting that I hope she can make that decision herself should it be needed, rather than being forced to do so by her kids or the facility. In fact, the option of assisted living is something she wanted to have access to and why she signed up for that option when she moved in years ago. We’re all glad it’s an option, just hoping we don’t get to a point where there’s an argument about it. Years ago, She put together an advanced care directive saying she doesn’t want resuscitation. She designated my sister with medical decision-making and me with financial power of attorney.

      I appreciate the reminders to do good self-care. For me, the thing that can get compromised when I’m stressed is sleep, so I’ll put in extra effort to make sure I’m not staying up too late scrolling online. Being well-rested makes a huge difference.

      I feel the support from afar, and really appreciate it.

  7. Liz*

    This morning I declared summer and shaved my legs. This is a thing I HATE as my skin tends to react badly. I also usually miss bits as well – this morning I went over twice and tried to inspect everywhere but I’m still finding patches of straggly hairs around my knees that just don’t show up in the shower. I would wax, but it’s too expensive and lasts less than a week on me.

    Does anyone have any tips on how to avoid missing patches, and reducing irritation/red bumps afterwards?

    1. AcademiaNut*

      I went with an epilator years ago, and am quite happy with it – it’s a similar effect to waxing, but easy to do yourself, and my epilator has lasted about 8 years so far. Also, if you miss a bit, it’s easy to go back and redo it. I have sensitive skin, and do tend to get red itchy bumps right after (it’s a histimine reaction, apparently), but I find that a hot shower right after epilating minimizes the itching.

      1. Generic Name*

        Woah, I’ve never read that it’s a histamine reaction! I wonder if taking an antihistamine beforehand would work? I get terrible razor burn when I shave my *ahem* upper leg area.

      2. Liz*

        I’ve never considered an epilator before. I think I’ve always been afraid of the pain. Do you find it hurts much?

        2. Grace*

          I have an epilator because I find that it helps with my keratosis pilaris – it hurts most at the ankle and knee, and it’s definitely an unexpected sting on the first time using it, but it gets easier. I barely notice it anymore, bar the sensitive areas. I’ve never waxed my legs, but I have waxed my eyebrows – I would compare epilation as being closer to plucking brows than waxing them, with no lingering pain. I do it with something on the TV as a distraction, sat on the sofa with a towel under my leg. So much easier than shaving in the shower, especially as someone who wears glasses!

    2. Bobina*

      Do you use your hands to feel if you’ve missed bits? Maybe it depends on how coarse the hair is, but for me if I run my hands over my legs or the bits I’ve shaved in both directions, my sense of touch is enough to tell me where I’ve missed a bit and need to go over.

      1. Liz*

        Hmm, the parts i miss tend to be the finer hairs, and the skin on my legs is quite rough and bumpy, so I don’t tend to feel the hairs much. I notice them afterwards when I sit down in daylight and look at them up close.

        1. Pippa K*

          Ha, I’ve settled on the approach that if you can only tell by examining really closely, it’s not a problem. I can’t feel it, no one else can see it, job’s done!

    3. Virginia Plain*

      Have you tried lots of different types of razors/lubricant etc? I find that redness or soreness usually comes from a blade that needs changing (or was cheap-ass like a hawaiian roll!) or there isn’t enough moisturising product in the mix. I wonder if a multi-blade razor aimed specifically at leg shaving, with a gel that is suitable for sensitive skin, would work? My go-to is a type of razor that has a sort of moisturising block around the blade (I’ll do a link so you can see what I mean – sure there’s something similar where you are).
      As for missed patches, I inspect my handiwork as I dry my legs, then if I see a missed bit I just grab the razor, run it under the tap and fix the issue, then wipe with a flannel . If you use separate gel just dab a bit on or use a smear of body lotion.

        1. Liz*

          Ooh I’ve not tried one of those before. I’ve rotated through a few higher end razors but not one with the big block thing.

      2. Loopy*

        seconding the razor with a built in moisturizing block around the blade. I always used to buy basic, cheap razors. This was a splurge meant to be one time and now I can’t go back!

        1. Might Be Spam*

          My daughter loves the Hawaiian rolls. We have to have them for holiday dinners or it isn’t a holiday.

          1. Virginia Plain*

            I believe the rolls of which that LW dusaporoved were cheap-ass Hawaiian rolls whereas she would have provided, no doubt, expensive-derrière Hawaiian rolls…

      4. Stevie Budd*

        I just switched to an electric razor and I’m pretty happy with it. I always hated shaving and would then get desperate when we were about to go to the beach or something so I’d do a quick dry shave with a basic blade which gave me a rash. But with the electric razor I can do that and it’s fine. The shave isn’t as close, but it’s fine for me.

        1. Liz*

          I’ve acquired an electric for the second time. So now im using the electric one to take some of the length off and then i do a wet shave in the shower afterwards. I think perhaps the difficulty im finding is that if i miss the longer hairs with the electric, the wet shave won’t touch them.

    4. There’s probably a cat meme to describe it*

      – Make sure you rinse out the razor well after each pass. If it’s been a while it’ll get clogged with hair instantly and will stop shaving. A single pass with a new, clean, sharp razor will irritate you much less than multiple passes with a blunter, clogged one.
      – I always do my knees while standing. If my knees are bent I’ll inevitably miss bits where I was trying to avoid nicking the skin around my kneecap. It’s much easier if your legs are straight.
      – Hot shower, don’t ever try shaving over goose bumps!
      – Get a thick moisturiser for sensitive skin and lather it on the minute you get out of the shower. Something a little greasy will form a protective layer that helps a lot with the shaving dryness and irritation.

      1. Liz*

        I’ve bought Aveeno moisturiser for dry skin recently, so I’ll try to remember this!

        Im probably leaving the blades on for too many uses, to be fair. The replacements are expensive so i think i eke them out for a little too long.

        1. There’s probably a cat meme to describe it*

          Same one I’m using right now, it’s good.

        2. Silence*

          Scrub before shaving
          Replace razor often
          Rinse after each pass
          Use body lotion after every shower not just after shaving

    5. Mary Lynne*

      I also hate not only the act of shaving, and all the stages of stubble, but the strong social pressure to do it at all. I have tried every method to minimize the aggravation, and have ended up using coconut oil instead of soap, Using a fairly sharp new but cheap razor, and doing only one stroke at a time and rinsing the blade out very thoroughly every time – no cheating! The coconut oil makes a big difference, and sometimes use that for more moisturizer after

      1. Liz*

        Oooh i have a giant tub of that but never use it for anything! I’ll give it a go.

        Im with you on the social pressure! I’d love to be one of those women who don’t care but my hair is very dark, long, and coarse. Many of my friends have finer hair and tbh, if mine grew like that, I’d never shave again.

    6. Delia K*

      It sounds weird, but I shave with conditioner instead of shaving cream and I find that out works better – smoother and with less irritation. I also throw some lotion on right after getting out of the shower.

      Seconding what everyone else said about not cheaping out on razors. I go for the five blade ones and sometimes shop the guy’s razors. Also, I definitely grab the spots I missed if it notice them while drying! I just run the razor underwater.

      If you don’t shave often, it might be worthwhile to use a new head each time. A sharp blade does wonders.

      1. Jay*

        Men’s razors are cheaper. I guess blue costs less than pink.

        Seconding all the advice about sharp blades. When I’m shaving my legs regularly I need to change the blade about every week.

        1. Liz*

          Absolutely! My current razor is a men’s 5 blade one with gel strip. But i think i do need to change the blade more.

      2. Clisby*

        That’s not weird – coating your legs with hair conditioner before shaving and waiting 5 or so minutes will definitely make it go easier.

    7. Ranon*

      Mostly I just… don’t shave. But I’ve also found a pass with a trimmer does the job most of the time, and then if I still feel like dealing with it going full razor post trimmer is a much easier thing to do.

      1. k*

        This is my method as well. It was a big leap for me to stop shaving last August: while I believe societal pressure to be a hairless woman is bullshit, I still had old bullshit rattling around my head and felt self-conscious, once in a while, for some time. (I wear skirts at work every day, and without tights of any kind almost half the year.) About a month ago, I seemed to get a couple ingrowns in response to a particular pair of boots, so I wondered if using an electric trimmer would minimize that risk. I used it and found I had more interesting feelings on having less hair. Either way, for me, not shaving and using an electric razor to remove most of it are sustainable solutions for me. They might be for others as well. TL;DR: the solution could also be in changing your mind rather than changing your shaving method only.

        1. Liz*

          I would dearly love to be able to forgo shaving and fortify myself against the societal bs. I think if my leg hair were less noticeable, i probably would, but my hair is very dark, thick, and grows quite long. Ive had well meaning male friends roll up their trouser leg and declare “well, just as long as it doesn’t look like this!!” only for me to reply that my legs are actually hairier than theirs. I do love the no-shave movement, but so much of the visibility is based around having fine, soft fluff, and many people seem unaware that very hairy women like me exist. I’d love to see some more visibility around that.

          Mostly, I just live in trousers. Or opaque tights. But for a few months over the summer i get too hot and need to let my skin breathe.

          One development though is that when i go running im comfortable showing a few days worth of growth – which on me is a few mm – and not worrying about whether anyone will see.

    8. Vanellope*

      I use St Ives apricot scrub on my legs just before shaving – I get razor burn too and this helps me more than any razor/shaving cream changes I have tried.

      1. Liz*

        I have used this! I try to exfoliate, but i think perhaps i don’t do it often enough to be effective? Patches of my legs are now permanently covered in hard, red bumps. This seems to remain whether i shave or not. I think perhaps i need to keep on top of it a bit more and do it more often.

    9. mreasy*

      I like to use a very foamy shaving cream so I can easily see if I’ve missed any stripes.

    10. Dr. Anonymous*

      The best thing I’ve found to help missing spots is to use a transparent shower curtain to get more light in the shower. I have super sensitive skin and use Vanicream Free and Clear soap in the shower. They also make a shaving cream, but it’s crazily thick, so if you get it, mix it with the soap.

      1. Liz*

        Light is kind of a problem in my bathroom as the window is only tiny. However, I might be able to increase the wattage of the spotlights over the bath by replacing the bulbs.

    11. Green Mug*

      I moisturize with Jergens Healing lotion immediately after the shower. That product helps me.

    13. Llellayena*

      I wear glasses so shaving in the shower is a recipe for ow. I shave immediately after I get out and dry off. The skin is still soft/ moisturized from the shower but I can run my hand over my leg at each pass and it’s easier to tell if I missed a spot since the hair is rough. I follow immediately with lotion.

    14. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      If it’s been a while, I shave two days in a row (less likely to miss again on a separate occasion the same spots) then switch to my normal interval (1-2x per week).

    15. WellRed*

      Ugh, I need to do my first post winter shave. I swear by Aveeno shave gel and razors with moisturizer.

    16. Generic Name*

      I was planning on asking on here on how to avoid razor burn! From what I’ve read, exfoliating prior to shaving, using shave cream, and using a brand new razor is supposed to help. But I’ve tried all that and I still get bumps. Boo. Even waxing is terrible for my skin.

      As for the missed areas, shaving cream helps me to see where I’ve shaved already. Honestly, some missed areas are inevitable for me. I try to inspect my legs in bright light right after I get out of the shower and go over missed areas again.

      1. mreasy*

        Those “Venus” and other brand razors with the lanolin and moisturizing block all around the blades make a big difference for me. They’re so expensive though.

        2. Generic Name*

          Good to know. Fortunately, my husband doesn’t mind the natural look, but I prefer to clean things up a bit when I wear swimsuits.

    17. RussianInTexas*

      Try do some exfoliation first, and a good sharp razor is a must. And lotion afterwards.

    18. BrambleBerry37*

      I have grumpy skin too. What I have found that works is 1. Exfoliate first. 2. Use your conditioner to lubricate (if your scalp won’t freak out, neither will your legs) 3. Make sure your razor is new.

      Personally, I leave the conditioner on for a couple minutes before shaving. It just makes the legs soft.

    19. Damn it, Hardison!*

      I switched to a shaving oil and started to use a post-shave spray, and seem to have fewer bumps now. I use Tree Hut Bare Moisturizing Shave Oil and Tree Hut Bare Post Shave Soothing Mist. Oh, and exfoliate before shaving (day before if you have sensitive skin).

    20. Dark Macadamia*

      I do better if shaving is a separate pre-shower endeavor. I used to sit on the edge of the tub and do it but now I find that less comfortable and stand at the sink with one leg up on the counter. Lotion immediately after showering and for the first day or two after shaving. I also started dry brushing for bumps/itchiness and I think it helps? I’ll do it when the stubble first starts growing in and then again before shaving, maybe it’s just my imagination but it seems to help me avoid ingrown hairs.

    21. Wishing You Well*

      I don’t shave my legs but I sure wish men had to go through this! I think it would change things!
      I hope your skin recovers soon.

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        I don’t shave my legs, either. I read this thread to learn what others experience because it’s something I haven’t. I totally agree with your perspective. And Liz, I hope you find a solution that is more comfortable.

      2. allathian*

        Too true. I don’t shave my legs in the winter and I only shave up to the knee in the summer, just so I can wear capri pants. I use a men’s razor and Venus shaving gel, and it seems to work well. I have sensitive skin, but I don’t shave often enough for it to be a problem. Although I’ll try exfoliating before shaving next time, to see if it makes a difference.

        I haven’t been on a public beach in about 20 years. My sister has a vacation home with a private beach, I’ll wear a swimsuit there, but nowhere else.

    22. Paris Geller*

      My skin isn’t as sensitive as it sounds like yours is, but it can definitely get a little irritated after shaving (and while I totally support anyone’s right to not shave natural body hair, personally I prefer to shave my lefts to at least my knees), and I have found exfoliating first, shaving with an oil-based shaving product instead of a cream or foam, and then moisturizing with a heavy-duty lotion or body butter right afterward is what my skin responds to best.

    23. Anon for this*

      Amlactin lotion has made a huge difference for me in reducing my keratosis pilaris – sounds like that might be what you’re dealing with? Just be aware though that the lotion does increase sun sensitivity so you’ll definitely want to sunscreen up if you use it.

      1. Liz*

        I googled this and i think this looks exactly like what happens with me. It happens whether I shave or not, which makes me think it’s not necessarily ingrown hairs. If regular exfoliation and moisturiser doesn’t help, I’ll definitely look into a more specialised treatment.

    24. Lynne*

      +1 to the epilator idea. I have one with a light near the tweezer end. It shines on the skin ahead of the epilator which makes it super easy to see if there are any hairs. If you get one with a lot of tweezers (over 40) that helps too. I tend to get 80% of hair on pass 1. Pass 2 gets about 95% of what’s left, and pass 3 picks up the few remaining ones. On pass 2/3 I sort of hover the epilator over my skin a bit and only touch it to my leg when I see hairs in the light. That cuts down on irritation for me.

      Also – I keep some aloe vera gel in the fridge, it’s even more soothing when it’s cold.

    25. Drtheliz*

      Electric razor. When my excema flares up, I genuinely can’t use a razor without getting so itchy I scratch until I bleed but I also really hate the feeling of long leg hair against clothing :/

      Running moisturiser/electric razor/moisturise again usually does me pretty well, but I’m also blonde enough that stubble doesn’t show, so your mileage may vary.

    26. OneTwoThree*

      I have sensitive skin. I also used to get ingrown hairs regularly – especially in my arm pits. I switched to a safety razor. I’m not sure if it’s the design or using a new blade each time, but I have significantly reduced my irritation and ingrown hairs. I also feel like the shave lasts longer. The blades are relatively cheap, so I use a new one every time.

      I’ve recently started using a makeup cleansing oil (double duty for the win) as my “shaving cream.” It won’t help with being able to see where have shaved, but I feel like it makes my legs so smooth.

      On areas that I often miss hairs I shave verticle and then horizontal. I know this can increase irritation, so I do this only in problem areas.

  8. TechWorker*

    Pretty niche question but AAM has given good recommendations for shoes in the past so worth a shot…

    I wear custom orthotics and will probably need to for the foreseeable – I currently have one pair about 3 years old and the top part is pretty worn. I ruined a pair of running shoes by moving them in and out, so need to invest in some more (and probably more than one pair so I can leave some in my running shoes.)

    They are.. not cheap. My first pair cost £300 + the appts to get them (Tho the appt was at least covered on insurance). There’s a few websites that sell them for £150ish (the process looks the same, you step in a foam thing and they use that as a mould). Has anyone tried this and would recommend/not recommend? It’s still a lot of money! But if I want 2-3 pairs then it’s a huge saving…. TIA

    I am U.K. based but US recommendations still welcome I can look them up & compare.

    1. TechWorker*

      I realise I was pretty unclear lol, I am talking about custom orthotic insoles, not actual shoes :)

    2. Burnt eggs*

      I am the same! With Plantar fasciitis, I need them in whatever I wear. My orthopedic doctor suggested before going to the full orthodox to try these. Powerstep, Spenco, and Superfeet are brands I use. They are online, but I found them at a sporting goods store with a good shoe department which let me test the first time. Each pair is about US $40, and lasts 6 months to over a year depending on wear. I used to sew itch from shoe to shoe, now just have one for each pair.

      2. TechWorker*

        True that I could try going back to generic ones now my feet are a bit better… there was a reason I got the custom ones though so I am a bit wary! :)

    3. fposte*

      Can you be more specific about what your orthotics are shaped to do? Are they higher front or back or one side or another? Are they for high insteps, plantar fasciitis, valgus, something specific?

      1. TechWorker*

        Uh, honestly I have no idea. My podiatrist described it as ‘foot ligaments are like plastic, once you stretch them they stay stretched’ so I think it’s just like overall weak feet (?). I didn’t get anything more specific than that.

        1. TechWorker*

          The non-custom ones he had me use first were Vasyli Dananberg, if that means anything to anyone else.

    4. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

      Not exactly what you asked, but have you tried physical therapy? My mother had lousy feet for well over a decade-bunion surgery, custom orthotics, always having to wear supportive shoes, frequently in pain, limited in what she could do. Then last year she got physical therapy, which strengthened her feet and solved a lot of the problems. Now she can just wear regular shoes again.

      PT ain’t cheap, but when option A involves £300 orthotics, it’s definitely worth a go.

      1. Chaordic One*

        I’ve never heard of PT for dealing with foot issues. It sounds promising. I suppose you’d need to find a therapist who specializes in feet, but I would think that could be done. I’ve had good luck with PT when dealing with other issues, which were never completely cured, but very much improved.

      2. TechWorker*

        My podiatrist was extremely confident it wouldn’t make a difference… I mean he could be wrong but before him I saw PTs and a consultant (I think initially I broke some toes and all my issues started from there..) and he was definitely ‘right’ about how to fix it so I do kinda trust his expertise.

        1. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

          Ah bummer, but I would definitely believe your podiatrist over some rando on the internet.

          It helped my mom so much I keep hoping it will help other people, but alas bodies are not one size fits all.

    5. Sleeping Late Every Day*

      I had custom orthotics several years ago because of a heel spur. I tried, but just couldn’t wear them. They were rigid, and the hard arch hurt so much. They didn’t fit in most shoes because they were so thick and I almost fell on stairs because of the lack of flexibility. Now I use good old Dr. Scholl inserts of different types, many of which have lasted for YEARS.

  9. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Writing thread! How’s everyone’s writing going? As usual, this is not limited to fiction writing.
    I can finally go back to recreational writing, woo! Looking over those old notes I found a few weeks ago to see what I can salvage.

    1. Aoife and Magda*

      I am in the terrible lull between books. Just being patient with myself because it happens every time. When one book is in promotional stage it’s very hard to start a whole new project for me, although that’s exactly what I should be doing. It just feels a bit futile as I’m usually worrying about sales for the one I already have – will anybody want it?? Am I going to end up embarrassed by the lack of sales? Why would I write a new one right now?!? I try to set myself on “fun” writing projects instead and see if the urge to write another book comes back.

    2. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Spreading the word: EscapePod posted that they’ll be taking submissions in September. So if it’s your genre, that’s time for a short fiction polish.

    3. Valancy Snaith*

      Last summer I made an online friend and we co-wrote a story together–well, part of one–that ended up about 850 pages long. Now that summer is here again and they’re done with the school year shortly, we’re both looking forward to picking it back up again. I’m INCREDIBLY excited. I’ve never co-written with someone before, and it’s very interesting and different for me and tons of fun.

    4. Elizabeth West*

      Ugh, revision blues! I tried to move an info dump that really needed to be moved but can’t exactly be deleted, and it demanded its own space. This meant writing a new scene. But I can’t have a scene just for that conversation, so I tried to marry it with something else I wanted to include and the relationship is just. not. working.

      Today, during meditation with my group, I had an idea of how to fix it. (Always while I’m doing something else! :P) It’ll no doubt require some shuffling, but I think that will be okay.

  10. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Gaming thread! What’s everyone been playing this week?
    As usual this is not limited to video games so feel free to talk about any kind of game. Also feel free to ask for recommendations or help identifying a vaguely remembered childhood favourite.
    I’ve been getting back into Stardew, moved my coop to hopefully see my ducks have a little swim. Also gathering lumber for that boat over at Willy’s.

    1. WS*

      I’ve moved my coop near the lake but the damn duck is not interested! She just wants to wander around in the grass!

    2. Gaming Gary*

      I’ve gotten back into Kitchen Scramble as a time waster. Plus family members are playing it as well so it’s fun to compare where we’re at.

      We’re still in lockdown here but looking forward to getting together again with my sister and brother-in-law to play Ticket To Ride: Rails and Sails.

    3. twocents*

      My Dungeons & Dragons campaign ended after a year, so we’re taking a break for a couple weeks to give people time to think up their next characters and how they’ll fit in the next campaign’s concept. So for tabletop, I’m heading to my parents’ house for us to play board games tonight instead. Very weird to use my Saturday for something else!

      In video games, I’ve decided to go back and finish the third act of Dragon Quest XI S. You technically get the credit scroll at the end of the second act (and 65 hours of gameplay), so I’d put it down a few months ago. I’ve been plugging away at it all week, so hopefully I’ll see the true ending today.

      Also poking around in New Pokemon Snap, just still have access to the first two places, but there are a lot of challenges that are pretty tricky! (The comfey just won’t cooperate!) So a lot to do.

    4. RussianInTexas*

      I have finally tried Wingspan, the board game, and loved it.
      The rule book is long and complicated, but the game play itself is a lot less complicated than you may think from the rule book.

      1. TX Lizard*

        I played for the first time last week! I’ve had the game since it came out but I was too intimidated by the rule book. But I visited family who had played before, so they explained it. It is way less complicated than it seems and I love the art.

    5. Nicki Name*

      I went to a gaming convention last weekend and did a ton of RPGing. Also started preparing for the return of in-person gaming– it probably won’t be for another couple months at least around here, but I’m getting excited about it so I may as well start gathering supplies.

    6. TX Lizard*

      I just downloaded Subnautica Below Zero, I’ve been waiting for the weekend to start playing!

    7. KristinaL*

      Does writing games count? These are kinda basic educational-ish games. I wrote a Guess the Number game and a vocabulary game and put them on my website recently.

    8. The Dude Abides*

      I recently discovered a randomized for Minish Cap, and have fallen back in love with the game.

      I don’t know how I missed the existence of Zelda randomizers for so long, but I’m trying to make up for it.

      1. twocents*

        Minish Cap is one of the bonkers Zelda games that I love. I hope they give it a remaster someday.

        1. The Dude Abides*

          It did get ported to the Wii U.

          I loved the original, but playing a rando version is nutty. Getting the cape and lantern early makes the first dungeon a much better/easier clear.

    9. Jackalope*

      Not sure if anyone will see this so late in the weekend, but I just GM-ed a round of Monster of the Week (an RPG in the D&D style). It was a lot of fun and satisfying, although went longer than I thought it would! So tired now!

  11. Princess Deviant*

    I feel you! I have a pair of extremely expensive custom-made insoles that I can transfer to different shoes when I need to. I have to wear basic flat boots or shoes though, which is hard work in the summer.
    I’m thinking I might invest in a pair of orthotic summer sandals too, just so I don’t get too hot. Then again, summers in England aren’t usually hot for long, are they.

    But I would say get the insoles, they’re just as good (unless you need support on the top of your feet, in which case I think it’s better to get the shoes custom made and pay the money. Unfortunately. But feet are worth it. I haven’t tried those websites you speak of, but I think I’d want to know if the person prepping the shoes is a podiatrist. If that were the case, I’d go for it.

      1. TechWorker*

        Thank you! I did mean insoles I was just very unclear ;) the pair of custom insoles I have was £300, idk if that’s overpriced or not really (I contacted another podiatrist near me but they’ve not got back to me yet).

        1. TechWorker*

          (And I am lucky in that – unusually? – my feet don’t get too hot even in summer. I can manage sandals for popping to the shops but otherwise sticking to trainers isn’t too bad. I find ‘smart’ occasions harder as most shoes that fit insoles tend to be on the heavier side :p)

          1. Princess Deviant*

            Yes that’s the problem isn’t it!
            Ok, I understand now :)
            £300 sounds about right for privately made insoles then, but same thing – if the website uses podiatrists to measure your feet then I’d go for it! Otherwise, you can get them free on the NHS, through a referral from your GP, but the waitlist is very long. And I think (from what others have told me – I couldn’t wait for the NHS ones, so I didn’t use them) they don’t use the foam to measure, they kind of balance you on a board… Things may have changed though! Good luck with it!

  12. On the seaside*

    I have a gold plated vermeil bracelet. How do I clean it? It has some gray faded areas and I’d like to ‘polish’ it back to its original shine.
    I’m a total jewelry newbie so all help is very much appreciated.

    1. Princess Deviant*

      Soaking jewellery for a short time in full sugar Coca-Cola is effective in removing dirt, then you wash it with soap and water and rinse thoroughly afterwards. I have done this before with my own jewellery and was kind of horrified but also fascinated. I don’t drink coke anymore!
      You could also try gently buffing it with a cloth and some bicarbonate of soda powder, which is mildly abrasive, and then rinsing it off with soap and water. I don’t know how that would affect the vermeil layer, however.

      2. Kuododi*

        Full sugar Coke will also take off that funk which builds up on car battery connectors and will take off the build-up of rain scum buildup from the car windshield.

        The mind shudders at the thoughts of drinking Coke after knowing all it’s “alternative” functions.

        Blessings
        Kuododi

      3. BelleMorte*

        It’s the citric acid in coke (and pretty much every tart drink including a lot of natural juices), that does the cleaning. Nothing to be really terrified of.

    2. Meh*

      Hey! Metalsmith and jewelry maker here. You can’t polish vermeil. The grey you are seeing (if it’s vermeil) is actually the silver underneath the plated gold. You would need to have it piece replated.

      Do NOT scrub with baking soda unless you want up remove more vermeil and give it a matte finish.

      For home cleaning karat gold jewelry you can use an old toothbrush and some dawn dish soap. It’s gentle enough not to scratch but will help dissolve body oils/lotions/gunk stuck in the crevices.

      1. Delia K*

        I bought an ultrasonic cleaner that I use for my engagement ring – and any other jewelry I happen to run across. It works well – things get real shiny – but does it actually damage things in the long term, do you know?

        For everyone else – I love the cleaner, and as long as it’s not secretly damaging things I highly recommend it. They’re like $20 on Amazon.

        1. Meh*

          The Amazon ultrasonic cleaners aren’t the same as a “professional” one but they can do a good job (a heater, strength dials, timer, etc are features).

          An US will crack some gemstones (diamonds, rubies, and sapphires -untreated- are fine) . So make sure to read your product info. If you are doing gold or silver jewelry it’s fine. If you have something with a decorative patina, the US will strip it..so be aware.

          Don’t ever put turquoise in water and never put pearls, coral, or shells into the US.

          1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            Probably not opals either? I just had the gemstones in my e-ring replaced because my husband was dead set on getting me a ring with orange stones and he picked fire opals, which are lovely but apparently stupid fragile and the jeweler was amazed that I’d managed to go five years of regular wear before one of them got chipped.

            1. Jay*

              I also have an opal in my engagement ring (my choice) and I think I’ve had it replaced three times. I don’t wear the ring regularly anymore. My husband has given me three other rings as anniversary gifts so I wear those instead. He’s switched to rubies (my birthstone and I love them) which are much more durable!

            2. Meh*

              Oh good gosh no! No opals in the ultra sonic. It could shatter or explode. Opal is a very soft stone and really doesn’t stand up to daily wear. Earrings or a pendant will last longer.

              Opal is a 5.5 on the MOHS hardness scale
              Alternative orange stones:
              carnelian which is a 7,
              orange topaz 8
              corundum (sapphire) 9

              1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

                He wanted orange because that’s my favorite color – we ended up replacing the two stones with an orange Madeira citrine and a sapphire, because blue is HIS favorite color, so now we’re both represented in it. :) I do still have the opals though, and will probably do something with them for a future anniversary :)

          2. RC Rascal*

            Also do not put amber in a US and I would not put jade in there either.

            I use a commercial jewelry cleaner on the hard stuff and Ivory liquid & a toothbrush on the soft stones. For silver a polishing cloth. Pearl strands I don’t clean.

            1. Seeking Second Childhood*

              For anyone with pearls, make sure to take them out & handle them frequently –without your body oils they can start flaking. Luckily I didn’t learn thus with a high quality piece of jewelry!

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          Scroll down–they have a 5 year warranty. It’s worth asking if they maybe had a defective batch.

    3. Generic Name*

      I have a jewelry cloth I use to polish my jewelry. It works on gold an pad silver. But I’m afraid the grey color on your bracelet is where the gold has worn away. Jewelry shops that do repairs should be able to re-plate it for you.

      1. Retired (but not really)*

        I have a fairly large amber piece that has gotten quite dull over the years. It also survived a fire! Anyway I would like to know how to safely polish it to restore the shine.

        1. Meh*

          Amber can’t stand up to long water soaks or harsh soaps. If it’s dirty you can use a wet cloth and wipe it clean then dry it. You can also oil it. Rub some olive oil in your hands. Lightly rub the stone and then wipe it clean.

          Also check into a local lapidary club. Someone there might be happy to help restore your stones

    4. Laura H.*

      Seconding looking into jewelry repair shops and re-plating the piece.

      As for storage, I know the place I work at seasonally (a regional jewelry company in my area) recommends storing their sterling silver in ziplock bags to keep the tarnish away longer. (Gold jewelry is stored the same way by the company.)

      As an aside, a baggie is easier to find if you lose it in the house.

      Squeeze the air out and use one baggie with one piece of jewelry. (Although I kinda cheat with necklaces that are a chain and a pendant- I store those in their pairing in the same baggie.)

      If you have soft pouches that the jewelry came in, still use the baggie.

      Baggied jewelry in the soft pouch? Yes
      Soft-pouched jewelry in the baggie? Yes
      Baggied jewelry on its own? Yes

      Solely soft pouching the jewelry is not recommended.

      Sorry for the length but I hope it helps.

  13. ZAZ*

    Hey all, if you had a friend who was constantly posting on social media about wanting a relationship, being lonely, wanting to cuddle with someone, etc… what would you do/say to that person, if anything? It would be one thing if he were cold-messaging or harassing people, but I don’t think that’s the case. But still, this is basically his entire feed.

    For what it’s worth, we are the same age, but I am female and he is male.

    1. There’s probably a cat meme to describe it*

      Depends how close you are and what outcome you’re hoping to achieve?

      If it were one of my close mates who I love, I’d pull him aside and ask what’s up with all the sad panda posts. Assuming no perspective-altering information was forthcoming, I’d remind him that women aren’t charity holes and they will not flock in en masse because he puts up a Lonely Penis Batman Signal on social media. Then I’d buy him a beer, let him whine a bit, and try to help him think of less pathetic ways to get a date.

        1. There’s probably a cat meme to describe it*

          Ha! Although I did intend it metaphorically, I now appreciate the literal interpretation more. (Not sure how you’d make the eyes, but the droopy frown sounds achievable…)

      2. Generic Name*

        If this guy is looking to date women, the OP buying him a beer and listening to him whine is rewarding his off-putting (to put it nicely) behavior. She’s basically giving him a date!

        2. There’s probably a cat meme to describe it*

          For anyone who wasn’t a close friend, who I wouldn’t ordinarily catch up with for a drink, for sure I wouldn’t do this! Just unfollow/hide and let natural consequences follow.

          At my stage in life though I have a few male friends (some of whom I’ve known since long before social media was invented) who are suddenly single after having been with only one woman their entire adulthood. And holy crap, have they been capital C Clueless and said/done stupid things when trying to start dating again. If he’s a good friend who’s stuck by me during tough times and poor choices, yeah imma be there for him too.

          That said, there was one (spoiler: former) friend who, knowing I’m happily married, still used his new dating status to start getting uncomfortably suggestive with me and demanding more “friend dates”. No amount of friendship history will make me stick by through that amount of Clueless.

    2. WS*

      What outcome do you want here? Are you wanting to date them? Tell them to knock it off? Give them dating tips? Hook them up with a friend?

      1. Pennyworth*

        Kindly explain to him that neediness and desperation are two big turn-offs, and suggest he puts his social media settings on private or whatever, so he isn’t signalling ‘avoid me’ to the whole universe. He sounds like a potential Incel.

    3. sswj*

      Personally, unless I was a close enough friend to tell them that those sorts of posts are not helping anything, I would hide their feed(s) for a while. It sounds callous, but that would be the only way I could still interact and be pleasant, not irritated or uncomfortable.

      1. Nicotene*

        People all use social media *so* differently. There are lots of times I raise an eyebrow and think, “hmm, I probably wouldn’t do that,” (post 800 memes in 30 seconds? Post the same poor content to FB, Insta, Insta stories, and twitter? Post pictures of yourself with a caption “please send me compliments I’m sad?” vaguepost about rude family members not respecting you?) but honestly I assume it’s addressing a need for them. Unless it was my best friend I’m not sure I’d bring it up; he’s going to feel how he feels.

      2. Person from the Resume*

        Unfollow or unfriend them. I don’t want to see that in my feed.

        That neediness and desperation is unpleasant and annoying and would make me like them less. Also IMO not appropriate for FB. I don’t like people who use FB to guilt their friends into a response.

        There’s also the added negative of guys feeling like they are “owed” relationships and sex from women which he’s brushing up against.

        Only thing I might say is that if he wants a relationship he needs to take action to make it happen (try online dating) and desperation is going to turn people off do he needs to scrub that from his feed.

        1. NeonFireworks*

          I know a guy like this, and…yeah. He laments to Facebook with a lot of punctuation and/or words in all caps that he doesn’t understand why he keeps getting dumped. It’s because he has only two modes – needy and entitled – neither of which involves acting like an adult partner.

    4. twocents*

      If I was really close, I might say, “Hey, you know any girl you’re interested in is going to google you, and might see this stuff, right? Have you thought about what kind of impression that might leave her with?”

      But most likely, I’d say nothing at all. If he wants to fill his feed with that content, that’s his choice.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        OR: “If you were interested in a girl and her FB posts looked like this, would you want to date her?”

    5. Analyst Editor*

      It’s hard because whining and passivity are unattractive, and he needs to be working on being more attractive and active and at ease in his own skin, but this is much easier said than done. And you don’t always have the standing to tell them this in so many words.
      He’s probably lonely, depressed; if he’s been living alone for the last year and not interacting with anyone, especially. If you can phrase it kindly and have the standing as a friend of his, you can say something to this effect. Otherwise you kind of have to let others do that job and just un-follow.

    6. Generic Name*

      I would be tempted to say something really snarky like “You know what [preferred gender] really want in a partner? Someone who constantly whines and complains!” But if you say anything, be prepared for him to assume you are offering yourself up for dates (and hopefully more!). People know online dating exists. They’ve heard all the suggestions to join meetup groups or clubs. This guy must be getting something about of his sad sausage routine. Maybe the absolute most I would do is refer him to Dr. Nerdlove’s webpage. He teaches dating skills to (mostly) men.

    7. matcha123*

      In my view, that kind of post isn’t all that different from posts about being upset with a partner or posts about kids or any other content I’m not particularly invested in. Which means I’d just scroll past and give an occasional reaction.
      I am sure that I post things on Facebook that other people don’t care about, but then what’s the point of using Facebook? I only keep people I’ve met in real life or very good internet friends in my “friends” list. When people only posted food pictures, people complained about seeing food. When people post babies, people complain about babies. I don’t use Facebook as a news source, I use it to see what’s going on in someone’s life. I guess if their life sucks, and they want to post about that, my options are to ignore them, unfollow/unfriend them, or confront them.

    8. Tofu Pie*

      Yikes. Do you get the sense that he’s neurotypical in some way? I ask because my son is autistic so sometimes I have to tell him explicitly to not do Some Obvious Social Infraction because he genuinely doesn’t know.

      Otherwise, this is a realization he has to achieve on his own. If he doesn’t have enough sense to know how off putting it is to broadcast his desperation and neediness, he also doesn’t have enough sense to learn from someone else telling him so. Also, he’s doing his future potential dates a favor by revealing this aspect of his personality? Or maybe it’s a plus for women who find that attractive.

    9. Not So NewReader*

      My male friend did not do this on FB. He did it in real life.

      This may/may not help, but I used stuff out of my own life to help him think about this. Fortunately (???) I had pretty much decided not to date by the time I met my friend. He knew upfront that this choice was not about him but rather it was a life choice for me. And I talked about what helped me arrive at this decision. It’s a 1000 talking points and some of them are actually funny. (Odd, but true.) I talked about life on my own and things that I was afraid of and things that did not bother me. See, a lot of mourning the lack of an SO can stem from fear; lack of connection to others; lack of shared information/knowledge; and so on.

      My friend and I have been through some stuff together. There’s a couple times he has appeared on my doorstep (without calling- highly unusual) and all the color drained out of his face. “Com’on. I’ll put on some coffee. Let’s talk about this.” There’s been times where I have called him crying about something. I remember one time, he drove to my house late at night because something was very wrong with my dog and I needed help lifting and transporting. Long story short- by the time he got here the dog was much better. “Yep. The dog looks sick to me! NOT!” But he laughed about it.
      Just my opinion, but it seemed to me that my friend felt that not too many people in his life were a “got your back” type of friend. This is pretty basic but we all need it. I think that some of my friend’s mourning over not having an SO was actually mourning the lack of real and lasting friendships/relationships with others.

      It’s been a while. But I heard less and less about getting an SO. He did date, but that did not get far. And after a bit he decided that he was a complete person on his own. What struck me here, is this is something women talk about- I very seldom hear men say it. And this is where I land, perhaps there are ways you can tell your friend he is a complete person on his own.

    10. Yelm*

      IMO, the best remedy for self-pity and loneliness is helping others. If you really want to get involved, find an avenue for volunteering that involves one of his strengths and suggest it to him—if he doesn’t do it, he’s missing a chance to get out there and meet someone while helping folks who need it, so he has no room to complain. Also, physical activity helps with happiness and confidence. If he is conventionally-abled, he can meet people and boost his elf-confidence by joining a “boot camp” or a newbie runners group.

      That said, whining about loneliness is one of those things that, in my experience, make even especially compassionate people impatient. The world is full of people—he’s likely not lonely, he thinks he’s entitled to a specific kind of person or relationship. That’s why he’d get one attempt at help from me, and if he didn’t take it, SUX TO BE U, DUDE. BELT UP.

      1. Yelm*

        Note: he can also do these things if he’s not conventionally abled, I just didn’t want to assume. It can be more challenging to find these kinds of groups if you have a disability or a chronic illness. Also, self-esteem. Elf-esteem is a whole different reindeer game.

  14. Washi*

    Has anyone used Bumble BFF successfully and have any tips? I recently moved and figured I would try it out, but since I’ve never done any online dating, I’m a little unsure of the etiquette. How quickly are you supposed to respond to people’s messages? How long do you have to text before meeting up? I’m not a big texter so my instinct is to go to a meetup relatively quickly (like after 2-3 days) but I’m getting the sense that might be too quick. And any tips on what makes a good first friend date activity when you have only met online?

    1. Anona*

      For the friend date, my first thought was coffee or a beer.

      For romantic dates, that was a nice, low key start, without the expectation of hours of hanging out. I feel like the concept might be similar. Either that, or an activity like paint on pottery- something for you both to focus on, and a finite end time.

    2. Venus*

      My experience (many years ago) was that many people just wanted to talk online. So if I suggested meeting up within the first week then it would be too soon for that person, because it would be Too Soon two months later. I wanted to meet new people so I used their reaction as a filter, and if they didn’t want to meet up then I would limit my conversations with them. This may be very different this past year, of course, as in-person meetups are now discouraged.

      I eventually gave up on online dating, but I think success is very regional. My part of the country isn’t very tech.

      1. Nicotene*

        I agree, when I was internet dating I tried to move it to in-person as quickly as possible (a low stakes in person thing, like meeting for a coffee or one drink and an app before something else); this was the best defense against people who were catfishing or were never going to get serious about meeting.

        1. WellRed*

          This also lessens disappointment if the in person chemistry isn’t there. Several weeks of build up and then bleh

          1. Filosofickle*

            100% this. Move to in-person quickly so you can’t build up a virtual crush that doesn’t meet reality.

            1. Joan Rivers*

              It’s a real problem if you have great chemistry writing each other but then don’t when you meet. You want to know you click when writing but face to face chemistry is impossible to tell until you have it. Get to it soon.

              1. Filosofickle*

                BTDT. It’s such a letdown! (I know, I know, that’s why they call it a crush…)

    3. twocents*

      I’ve never tried Bumble BFF, but I’ve had a lot of success with finding friend groups by attending activities I want to go to anyway through meetup. Friends are really a combination of proximity + time + connection, so just being even an occasional face at a hiking meetup or board game meetup or whatever, and you’ll make friends over time.

      But I also think online dating in general is onerous, so I wouldn’t put myself through trying to befriend people one by one.

      1. Person from the Resume*

        My suggestion … meetups and if you click with anyone getting their contact info before you leave – be it a phone number or FB. FB is less pressure IMO. It’s easy to unfriend but there’s messager to communicate.

        I made 2 long term friends from a disastrous meetup group by getting their FB details and keeping in touch that way. There was only 1 successful meeting for the group and the leader was a loon who didn’t understand how to run a meet up group (IMO). I think leader was looking for friends which I don’t think she made but I got some friends out of it.

        I’ve tried online dating unsuccessfully. Personally I am doubtful of the success of making friends that way.

    4. ResponseX*

      I used BumbleBFF to make friends when I was a late-20s working professional. I didn’t stay friends with everyone I met, but I made several close friends from BumbleBFF. I think it’s because I did the following:
      1. I invited people to meet in person if we made it to three days of engaging, reciprocal messaging. I wanted IRL friends, so if they did not want to meet in person, I didn’t message further.
      2. My matches and I combined matches. For example: I matched with A, we hit it off. Separately, A matched with B. She thought B and I would also get along, so A, B, and I all met up for drinks. And thus a friend group was born! This was also more manageable (for me) than many one-on-one friendships.
      3. Related to 2, my groups started regular activities. A, B and I met up once a week to watch a TV show we were all obsessed with. Another girl pulled a bunch of her matches together for a monthly book club. Having that continuity and consistency of interaction really helped cement our friendships.
      Good luck on your friendship journey!

      1. Paris Geller*

        Your second point is genius. I also just moved to a new area, am now currently long-distance from my partner, and finding new friends 1-on-1 sounds intimidating, but something like meeting in a small group sounds so much more appealing! I’ll have to try that strategy on Bumble BFF. I met my boyfriend on Bumble dating, so here’s hoping it works for platonic relationships too.

      2. Washi*

        This is super helpful! I actually don’t like hanging out in big groups which is why, although I’ve joined meetups, I wanted to try this as well. But I do like hanging out in 3s and maybe 4s so combining matches and kinda creating our own “meetup” is a great idea.

  15. Batgirl*

    I can’t get over how happy I am. We started house hunting two years ago, ended up separated during Covid, but yesterday we had an offer accepted on a house that I couldn’t have designed as being more perfect. Everywhere else we had looked had some huge dealbreaker, my mother is selling her house, where I live, so I was going to be without somewhere to stay unless I started ransacking my deposit for rent. We couldn’t even get viewings for most properties. Now somehow I have dibs on this beautiful 1930s semi with trees and it’s so huge! There’s even a cupboard over the alley I thought was a small box room at first. I don’t know whether to make a storeroom or a walk in. The kitchen has a teeny pantry. The house needs modernising, but honestly that’s just fun. What are your best tips on fixing up a new place? I’ve already exhausted Pinterest.

    1. There’s probably a cat meme to describe it*

      Congratulations! The right one comes along at the right time, hey?
      We’ve been looking for about 2 years too, but put the search on hold during plague uncertainty, and now property has gone bonkers where I am (like, +30% kind of bonkers) – so I’m feeling pretty disheartened in our search right now. All the available properties are eye-wateringly expensive, with multiple big compromises (if not deal-breakers), and they’re all sold within 1-2 weeks of listing.
      But your excitement at finally nabbing the Perfect Place makes me second-hand happy :-)

      1. Batgirl*

        I do not know how we got this house because two weeks ago, we would have said the same. They undervalued it imo, but it’s probably because the vendors, two grieving sisters, don’t want to sell to investors but to someone who would live there. If they’d tarted it up a bit, and been a bit less choosy on who it sold to we probably wouldn’t have gotten a look in.

      2. Batgirl*

        Thank you so much for all these tips. We decided today that we’re getting our own full inspection survey done because, as Ranon says, the boring invisible stuff will affect our budget and may affect safety, like wiring. Delia, my fiance will probably want a complete rewire too and he wouldn’t let cheap paint into the house!
        I would love to go around with the inspector, that’s a good idea Seeking Second Childhood. Wishing Well, I think asbestos is one of the things that’s gets flagged in a basic inspection, but I will make sure.
        Stephanie, we’re going to have to get rid of some wood chip on the walls and ceilings before we paint so hopefully that will be enough time to get a sense of the place. Lots of pizza nights are going to be in play with that one.
        Alas, Anono-me, the estate agents didn’t take or list any measurements! Which is standard but they seem to have put their feet up and relaxed with no long distance investors allowed to be in on this listing. But since it’s empty, I’m going to get the keys, go around again and take some measurements myself. The project book sounds great. I’ve never heard of a home warranty, though. I hope it’s a thing here in the UK; I will look into that. I Take Tea, I have already made so many lists! Glad to hear that it’s not just me who does that!

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          If by ‘wood chip’ you mean texturized surface, that too may contain asbestos. The stuff was just really good at holding things together so it got used in unexpected places. Even the glue used to hold down some linoleum floors.
          If you aren’t on city water & sewer, well&septic tests are separate.

    2. Ranon*

      Do the boring modernizations first before you blow the budget on pretty tile- weatherizing, air sealing, energy efficiency, air quality, etc. Makes a world of difference in comfort and can save money long term.

    3. Delia K*

      I’m not sure if you got one as part of your closing, but I highly recommend a home inspection to help you get to know your new home better. Our home inspector was amazingly thorough – probably some of the best money we spent during our buying process. We also bought an old house (1890s old) and having an electrician inspection – and then the very expensive rewiring – was also helpful.

      Other than that, I’ve been sucked into some Apartment Therapy before and after posts. I think the biggest thing you can do is paint though. And remember that it’s worth investing in this house – don’t buy the cheapest paint.

      And if you’re having any water pressure issues, try getting a new shower head. I think ours was like $30 and made such a difference to our quality of life.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        This might be late because yoyr offer is accepted but….some home inspection details I learned the hard way. 1. Go around with the inspector and YOU lift any drop ceilings to make them look under at what it hides. In some places they are not allowed to open up things that are not actually doors.
        2. You have a period of time to report problems they missed–I didn’t know I could have made them fix XYZ that they missed until after the date.
        3. They don’t do outbuildings unless you specify. If the outbuilding has electric or evidence of an old stove/furnace definitely get them to look.
        And a 1930s house get them to check for asbestos especially on hot pipes.

    4. Stephanie*

      Focus on fixing the mechanics first, if they need it. Things like the heat/air conditioning, water heater, etc. Structural things should be a priority before cosmetics, too. But if all of those things are in decent shape, paint is your friend. Buy good quality paint. I buy from a paint store or old-fashioned hardware store instead of a big box home improvement store, because they are much more helpful and knowledgable. Prep for painting is the most important step, but it’s also the most tedious and boring (and annoying), but it is worth it in the end.
      Take your time and live in the house a bit and do a little at a time instead of trying to do the whole thing at once.

    5. Anono-me*

      I recommend a home inspection and a home buyers warranty (if offered in your local. )

      A home inspection means a knowledgeable professional evaluates the home for possible issues prior to purchase in order to minimize surprise repairs. A home warranty is similar to a car warranty. If a covered part breaks, the warranty company paid for repairs or replacement.

      Paint all the closets in a durable white right away. Nobody ever wants to paint the closets.

      Use the realtor ad to start a house decor and project book. It already has all the room measurements and photos that show window placement and wall colors. It will be helpful when shopping for new kitchen flooring or a sofa. It will also be fin to look back at how things change.

      1. Anono-me*

        I forgot to say, anytime you have an expert out to do something, ask about other small projects. For example; if you have a plumber out, ask about adding or replacing shut off valves. (Also, maybe check to see if the washer hoses need replacing. )

    6. I take tea*

      That sounds so nice. One tip I read about was that you should go through the house and write down what you want to change. You don’t have to do it all at once, but that way you can have a list for later, when you don’t really notice some things anymore. (Although, if you don’t notice them, why should they need fixing?)

    7. Wishing You Well*

      A THOROUGH home inspection is a must in a house this old – top to bottom. PLEASE test for lead paint and asbestos.
      I hope it turns into your dream house!

      1. fhqwhgads*

        There’s no point in testing for lead paint. If it were built in a year that were legal, it should be treated as a given there is lead paid under however many layers. Asbestos is worth testing for.

    8. Batgirl*

      Thank you so much for all these tips. We decided today that we’re getting our own full inspection survey done because, as Ranon says, the boring invisible stuff will affect our budget and may affect safety, like wiring. Delia, my fiance will probably want a complete rewire too and he wouldn’t let cheap paint into the house!
      I would love to go around with the inspector, that’s a good idea Seeking Second Childhood. Wishing Well, I think asbestos is one of the things that’s gets flagged in a basic inspection, but I will make sure.
      Stephanie, we’re going to have to get rid of some wood chip on the walls and ceilings before we paint so hopefully that will be enough time to get a sense of the place. Lots of pizza nights are going to be in play with that one.
      Alas, Anono-me, the estate agents didn’t take or list any measurements! Which is standard but they seem to have put their feet up and relaxed with no long distance investors allowed to be in on this listing. But since it’s empty, I’m going to get the keys, go around again and take some measurements myself. The project book sounds great. I’ve never heard of a home warranty, though. I hope it’s a thing here in the UK; I will look into that. I Take Tea, I have already made so many lists! Glad to hear that it’s not just me who does that!

    9. Felis alwayshungryis*

      My best tip is to live in it for at least six months to a year without making any major changes, if you can (i.e. nothing’s unsafe).

      That gives you time to get to know the house and how you live in it. That thing you initially find really annoying may turn out to be a complete non-issue and actually help the house flow, while that feature you love at first might turn out to be a huge PITA in a few months. It’ll also give you some time to shore up your finances!

      We had to fully rewire our place weeks after moving in, and made some decisions we wouldn’t have if we’d been able to leave it for longer.

      1. Felis alwayshungryis*

        Oh, and in a house that old lead paint is basically guaranteed. Treat all paint like it’s lead-based, because even if the top coat has been redone, there’ll probably still be undercoat residue.

        1. Retired (but not really)*

          The most important safety issue with older homes is the wiring. Find out how long ago it was rewired and whether it was completely rewired at that time. If it was more than twenty years ago it very well may need that done again.

      2. Elle Woods*

        Speaking from experience, I second your point about living in it for a bit before making any major changes.

  16. Anona*

    Cooking and food thread! What are people making or eating?

    I’ve been doing a lot of popcorn popped in a paper bag in the microwave, sprinkled with olive oil, nutritional yeast, cheese, and tajin lately.

    And today I think I’d like to do a smoothie with banana, greek yogurt, whole milk, and cocoa powder.

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I’ve been making a friend’s pasta dish that’s sort of jambalaya inspired, with chicken and sausage and onions and peppers and tomatoes and farfalle pasta, and I love it. Plus the recipe is relatively inexpensive to make, and produces a HUGE batch of food so I get leftovers for days, haha. (And usually I’m so bad at eating leftovers but not this stuff. I’m gonna go have some for breakfast. :-P )

    2. Teapot Translator*

      I found some lamb at the supermarket that was reasonably priced (for me), so I’m going to make it in the crockpot (something Mediterranean inspired)!

    4. HannahS*

      Smitten Kitchen’s bolognese. It’s soooooo good. It’s really tolerant of variation: I chuck in little pieces of zucchini, eggplant, and mushroom to try and bulk it up, I’ve omitted the pork, dairy, and wine, and I’ve replaced the tomato paste/water with canned crushed tomatoes, and I just need stacks of it in my freezer.

      I’m also thinking to make granola. Every time I make it, I leave more ingredients out, until now my recipe is just oats, a small amount of oil, a small amount of honey, and a pinch of salt. I can’t do anything too sweet in the morning, so a big scoop of that on some whole-milk yogurt is a wonderful summer breakfast.

      I’m finding that a lot of freezer recipes are heavy winter food (stews, casseroles, heavy on the meat and cheese), and I’m always on the lookout for more vegetable-based things to freeze for quick weeknight meals. It won’t be this weekend, but I’m hoping to make a big batch of tofu-and-veggie gyoza.

    5. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      Tonight I’m making Puerto Rican chicken and rice in my IP.

      Today we are headed to Massachusetts’ North Shore for some fried whole belly clams.

    6. WellRed*

      I’ve suddenly discovered I can make excellent breakfast sandwiches. Really simple: grilled English muffin, egg, bacon, cheese, salt and pepper and now also a spicy sauce from hidden valley. Can we talk about the delightful explosion in condiments and sauces that are now available in stores.

      2. Joan Rivers*

        I even found a good cheap “Jerk Sauce” — store brand! It’s spicy enough and great for a chicken thigh.

      3. Sleeping Late Every Day*

        When I’m feeling indulgent and ambitious, I make a really yum breakfast sandwich. First cook some bacon if you’re a meat-eater, then set that aside and gently fry an egg (or eggs, one per sandwich), seasoned to your liking, until the whites are firm but yolk is very soft. Gently remove from pan and set aside. Using good sturdy sliced bread (farmhouse white, wheat, whole grain – whatever you prefer), layer slice of bread, sharp cheddar (or other cheese you like), bacon strips, then gently slide egg on, cover with Munster and piece of bread. Carefully transfer to heated griddle that you’ve melted butter in. Don’t press on it or egg will burst. Cook until golden on both sides. Ideally, egg yolk will still be runny or at least soft, and biting into that toasted bread, melty cheese, runny yolk and bacon is like food sex.

    7. GoryDetails*

      I’ve been playing with a couple of different meal-kit services, and one of them had a Moroccan-style chicken dish that turned out quite well – and that also introduced me to preserved lemon (the salted variety). It was a flavor I hadn’t experienced before, and while it was definitely on the head-tilt “do I like this? I’ll try another bite – do I like this? Hmmm” spectrum, I was glad to have had the chance to try it. [The dish also had dried currants and a seasoned red sauce, so the lemon was more of a flavor note than a major ingredient.]

      For a more simple dish, I had veggie skewers – chunks of onion, sweet pepper, tomato, and zucchini on short skewers, sauteed in a cast iron frying pan with a little oil, salt and pepper. Very simple indeed, and quite tasty. Could have done without the skewers and just mixed the veggies, but the extra step did seem to add some interest. Would be a good dish for a grill, if I had one…

    8. Tau*

      I have had an absurd craving for homemade brownies the past few days (absurd because I hardly ever eat brownies, have never actually made brownies except with a friend and a packet mix years ago, and don’t actually like chocolate that much). So I guess that’s happening!

    9. JobHunter*

      Different types of tacos! This week was cabeza and al pastor. I made a big tub of diced onion and cilantro, sliced limes, and thinly sliced cabbage that lasted all week. I also made salsa and bought some black habenero sauce to with them.

    10. OyHiOh*

      I had saag paneer, raita, and aloo naan last night for dinner (that’s spinach and cheese in cream sauce, yogurt salad with shredded cucumbers and carrots mixed in, and flatbread stuffed with potatoes, for those who don’t know), with enough left over to have for lunch today. It was spectacular.

    11. RussianInTexas*

      Last Sunday we had people over for bbq so boyfriend smokes brisket, ribs, pork loin, we are still eating the leftovers.
      I made Texas Caviar to go with the meat, and it makes perfect lunches, especially during summer. It’s light, has right amount of garlic and spiciness, filling without meat, and I believe even vegan. The recipe from Comfort of Cooking website is my favorite. The only downside is that you maker a huge vat of it at once, but it stays perfect in the fridge for days.

      1. automaticdoor*

        Quick recommendation – use the leftover smoked meat in tacos! We just did that — flour tortillas, chopped meat, chopped sweet white onion, and cilantro.

    12. BrambleBerry37*

      I have been craving veggies like mad lately, so have been assembling some side salads to snack on. First is a honey mustard broccoli salad with almonds and cranberries. Then a ginger sesame slaw with peanuts. Finally, a simple smashed cucumber salad with a rice vinegar seasoning. I also have the fixings for mango tofu bowls with coconut rice for tomorrow.

      ALL the veggies!

    13. TX Lizard*

      I am going to attempt to copycat Trader Joe’s Herbs and Spices popcorn today. Nutritional yeast, olive oil, parsley, dill, and celery seeds (but I accidentally bought celery salt!). If it goes well I am going to premake a jar of the seasoning mix.
      What kind of cheese do you use? Do you add your toppings after it is fully popped?

      1. Anona*

        I use whatever cheese I have on hand- sometimes cheddar, sometimes parmesan, and sometimes something different like Gouda or blue.

        I add toppings after fully popped, but still hot.

    14. Batgirl*

      Today I hacked a gluten free pancake recipe so I can keep it as a premade mix and not do any weighing or measuring when I want a quick pancake. It’s slightly thinner than an American pancake, thicker than a crepe…so like a British pancake more or less. Nice and squishy rolled up around some Nutella.

      1. TX Lizard*

        Please share if you are so inclined! Either the original or hacked version- I haven’t found a GF pancake recipe that I’m happy with yet.

        1. Batgirl*

          This is the original recipe and it’s very good, it’s just that it involves buying buttermilk and melting butter and weighing things. https://glutenfreeonashoestring.com/perfect-gluten-free-buttermilk-pancakes/
          My hack is to put all the dry ingredients together (which the recipe author Nicole Hunn herself recommends in her quick and easy cookbook, but she’s still melting and weighing stuff post-mix). I also add a teaspoon of buttermilk powder per cup. Then I use a half cup of mix, half cup of milk and one egg when I want a few pancakes. You can add more milk or mix depending on whether you want thin or thick pancakes. The flour you use is pretty key. I use Doves plain GF flour, because I’m in the UK. Cup4Cup and Better Batter are the American brands Nicole uses; she recommends their gum free versions for pancakes. It’s still very easy to accidentally pick up a GF flour brand which is terribly grainy and will ruin everything you try to make.

        2. Emma2*

          I’m not Batgirl but I regularly make the buckwheat flour pancake recipe from the Doves Farm website (Doves Farm is a flour brand in the UK that makes a variety of regular and gluten free flours). On the website, they make the pancakes with blueberries, but instead I add a bit of cinnamon, 15 g of dark chocolate chunks and around 60-65 g of frozen raspberries.
          These pancakes are not an attempt to mimic pancakes made with white wheat flour, but are naturally gluten free and I love them (I do tend to eat a lot of whole grains, so my preferred flavour profile may be different from someone who eats more refined grain products).

        3. Batgirl*

          My reply with the link isn’t showing but go to glutenfreeonashoestring and see the buttermilk pancake recipe. Make a mix out of the dry ingredients and add a tablespoon of buttermilk for every cup. To make a few pancakes, use half a cup of mix, half a cup of milk and an egg.

          1. Batgirl*

            Oh and I use Dove plain gf flour, but the site author recommends American brands Cup4Cup and Better Batter.

    15. Ali G*

      Tomorrow I am making balsamic glazed steak tips and mushrooms. Yum!!
      Tonight we are going out – I’m so excited!

    16. BlueWolf*

      I think tonight I’m going to harvest some of my basil I’ve been growing and make pasta with shrimp and sundried tomato pesto. It’s a favorite recipe I haven’t made in a while. I’m terrible about using store bought basil in a timely manner so I’m glad to finally have some homegrown to use. It’ll be my first basil harvest of the season!

      1. TX Lizard*

        I would love to know your pesto recipe! My basil is almost ready to harvest too! Pasta and shrimp and pesto sounds like the kind of thing I could eat everyday and not get tired of it.

        2. BlueWolf*

          I replied with the link so I’m sure that reply is in moderation. It’s the 20 Minute Sun-dried tomato basil shrimp pasta recipe from Carlsbad Cravings.

    17. Girasol*

      Cinnamon raisin bread for toast. I’ve made all our bread for years but thanks to running out of things during covid, I’ve finally learned how to use a poolish. Now making bread is an afterthought instead of a project. I start the poolish the day before, a sort of yeasty porridge of flour and oatmeal. The day I bake I add more flour, salt, and some raisins, knead it up, shape it, and drop it into pans to rise for an hour before baking. It makes a crusty rough loaf, kind of halfway between sourdough and regular bread, sturdy enough for sandwiches and remarkably good for toast. But what I like is that it takes five minutes to set up on the first day and ten to finish the loaves on the second. So easy!

    18. Charlotte Lucas*

      I got some escarole in my CSA box & made lentil escarole soup. It was tasty & nourishing. I also have some napa cabbage, so I think it will go in a stir fry with tofu this week.

    19. Small town*

      Patty LaBell’s mac and cheese. No one should ever actually eat it (5 kinds of cheese), but it is sooo good.

  17. Loopy*

    All, as a very grateful follow up to those who gave extensive recs on good pre-prepped meals- I start Splendid Spoon later this week and have a gift card for Daily Harvest! I am pretty over the moon to have every aspect of my main meals taken care of for a few weeks.

    In other news, it’s my birthday today and this year I struggled with what to do or anything I wanted. Truthfully I had kind of forgotten about it. I didn’t even have plans until a friend invited me out for dinner. I wasn’t particularly sad about it, but it’s my last holiday/life event for a while so I’m trying to enjoy it. Its going to rain all weekend so I likely wont be able to make much plans (it was going to be hiking or blueberry picking). My husband is working all day so after volunteering I’ll be on my own until dinner. What are your favorite low key solo bday activities? I’ll probably nap and read, but open to treating myself to things I haven’t though of!

    1. MCL*

      If you’re comfortable, a service like a massage, manicure, or pedicure are nice. I booked a massage with a fully vaccinated massage therapist after I was fully vaccinated, and it was magical.

    2. Mila*

      Happy birthday! I’m always a fan of creating a nice experience that is just what I want to do — eating a special snack or watching something my husband has no interest in, etc

    3. RosyGlasses*

      I love planning solo bdays! Usually will treat myself to a massage or facial, or maybe getting my nails done. Favorite smoothie or coffee shop, maybe splurge on a pastry that is a favorite. Visit a shop that I love or buy flowers. Read and nap and enjoy a takeout dinner of my choosing (during COVID). If you can’t tell, I’m a hardcore Taurus! :)

      Enjoy your special day!

    4. Double A*

      I’m a teacher and have a summer birthday so I’d often get my birth day to myself on a weekday, especially before kids. I always enjoyed getting myself a decadent pastry and good coffee, preferably in a place I could people watch, and some flowers.

      Happy birthday!

    5. NoLongerYoung*

      Happy birthday. I have done a couple solo birthdays (realize I’m a day late here)…by gifting myself an experience I would otherwise consider a splurge. A museum membership (I go through and savor, so if I go with friends it is frequently more rushed than i like). An art class (my skills are abysmal, but I keep trying new things). Glass blowing, for example (pre.covid). You dont have to do it on the day of, I relish the planning and choices as much as the experience. Or a cooking class for a new technique.
      Hope it was a good one and I also like to celebrate “the week”

  18. Anona*

    Laundry strategies!

    Does anyone have tips for staying on top of it? There are two of us, plus a toddler, and while we’re good at washing and drying, I can think of only once or twice during the past year that we’ve put everything away.

    Instead, we have “laundry mountain” in the laundry room, and fish clean outfits out of that.

    So what works for you? Specific times of the day or week to fold and put away? Other tips?

    1. On the seaside*

      I love folding while I’m watching something on TV. The YouTube videos I enjoy are usually the right length (5-20min), so I can watch/listen and fold at the same time. Pause, put things away, and reward yourself with the rest of the video/episode. Maybe choose a film that you can watch in small portions?
      (I realize this might not be ideal with a toddler but maybe helpful?)

      1. Kage*

        In addition to doing loads when I can fold watching tv, I’ve also found it helpful to switch to doing loads that just belong to one person. We’re a family of 5 and used to have very similar challenges to you where things would get washed and dried (and even sometimes folded) but then never put away. Usually because I’d get stuck around having stuff to get into a kids’ room after they were already in bed and I avoid going in there like the plague once they’re down lol.

        I switched to doing each person’s stuff individually so I can wash, dry, fold and then cart upstairs in their specific basket. It makes the putting away process go so much more smoothly (especially if my husband is the one putting away as he can’t keep our kids’ clothes straight on whose is whose). It also lets me do just a single load some nights rather than trying to tackle 3 massive loads all at once. It does take more time overall (as I’m doing more small, dedicated loads rather than bigger, mixed ones, but I’ve found it so much easier to just get rid of our clean pile as I don’t constantly have tiny folded piles that need to be split up and put in each room.

        Also- the dirty basket doesn’t come downstairs until right when I’m going to do it; no one gets a new empty basket until I’ve sent up their basket of clean stuff. So if anyone wants a basket to put their dirty stuff in, it’s more motivation for them to get their clean stuff put away.

        1. Pregnant during COVID*

          That’s how I’ve always done laundry – loads specific to each individual person. I can go 2 weeks without needing to do my own laundry, husband is weekly, towels weekly, sheets every other week, toddler and infant 2 x per week. I suggest getting the toddler involved for folding – I have a 4 year old and she’s been helping me for the past year. It’s a nice “game” for her that’s helpful to me.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Our routine (two of us, no kids) is that every Sunday, my husband does the laundry (minimum two loads, one “regular” and one that can’t go in the dryer and hangs to dry, which is mostly his button down shirts plus my bras and anything I wear outside of jeans/yoga pants and t-shirts, so not much :-P ). When it’s finished, I help him hang the second load to dry, plus we fold up any extras he might have done (towels etc) and put them away. Over the course of the week, he pulls his daily underthings out of the basket and I mostly ignore it because I have too many clothes. Saturday night I put away everything that’s mine from the basket, and Sunday morning he puts away anything of his that’s left in it, then empties our hamper into it for that weekend’s load. So there is a clean laundry pile, but it’s limited.

      Usually sometime during the week I have him strip and remake the bed, and bring down the sheets, then I do the bedsheets during my workday, since he does the clothing laundry on the weekends. But that’s not super scheduled, mostly just when I go “hey, that’s due.”

    3. WS*

      Monday evening is folding/put away time. Everything goes on the dining table, is sorted into the appropriate baskets, and taken to the appropriate bedrooms, where it is put away. Each laundry basket then becomes the next week’s dirty clothes basket.

    4. There’s probably a cat meme to describe it*

      LOL to Mt Laundry… only the energetic and determined will conquer its lofty heights!

      My strategy is 3:1 need-based clothing ratio with my spouse. I can go 3 weeks without *needing* to do a wash, while he must do at least one load a week. This means I have a magical laundry fairy who… takes loads… off me.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        That’s about our ratio, haha, and my husband also has become the laundry fairy as a result. It wasn’t intentional, but I’m definitely okay with it and he doesn’t seem to mind. :)

    5. Ranon*

      We have the same family size and I still haven’t folded last week’s sheets so I might not have the best system, lol. I wash on weekends, clothes, pants (as needed), towels weekly, sheets bi weekly. We hang dry most of our clothes so I do the putting away for those on Monday while my partner does bath time. Lots of stuff dries on hangers and goes straight in the closet. Towels usually get folded over the weekend, sheets tend to get, well, forgotten, lol, but worst case scenario they’re back on the bed in two weeks. We mostly have about a week and a half worth of outfits for everyone so stuff tends to cycle through pretty quickly. I also have about a zillion laundry baskets so stuff stays sorted both in the dirty laundry piles and the clean ones.

    6. Valancy Snaith*

      I handle all the laundry in the house, and here’s my setup: many laundry hampers. One for our work uniforms. One for civvy regular clothes. One for (my) delicates and things that need to hang dry. A basket for towels. A basket by the washing machine for dirty cleaning rags. The routine is that Fridays after work, work clothes get washed, dried, and put away. Sundays are the big laundry day: strip the bed and wash the linens, towels, regular clothes, and if necessary, my hang-dry stuff. Wednesdays I’ll wash regular clothes if we’re having a busy sweaty week and going through lots of them.

      For me, the chore isn’t done until the laundry is returned to its home in the drawer or closet. We don’t have enough space in the laundry room to leave stuff there, which helps, so I fold everything in the bedroom and can’t just leave it there, so I put it away while I’m standing there.

    7. My code walks instead of running*

      Make laundry plateaus instead of laundry mountain. As you take clothes out of the dryer, lay similar items flat on top of each other. This keeps them from getting as wrinkled and makes it easier to find what you want when searching for an outfit. Typically I put away socks/underwear/things that get hung up as they come out. Then just tackle your plateaus bit by bit. Pants are the easiest for me so sometimes I will just tackle the entire pile. Shirts I might make a rule that if I take one off the pile I also have to fold and put away a couple.
      And then if you get some time and do want to tackle the whole lot, I agree with what others have said about YouTube videos. They seem to be the best kind of background entertainment for laundry and if you watch on your phone you can bring it with you for uninterrupted enjoyment while you put stuff away.

    8. Burnt eggs*

      I loath folding clothes, so I don’t. I have taken to hanging anything I can- shirts, tank tops, bras. That leaves only jeans, shorts, underwear and socks. That’s helped me a lot. As a kid, when anything came out of the dryer it went on the dining room table and all the kids folded, so maybe putting it somewhere that it can’t just be shoved to the side?

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        This, yes – I don’t fold underthings or pair socks, just chuck them into bins. (It does help that as I’ve mentioned before I deliberately mismatch my socks anyway.) Noooobody cares if my scanties are wrinkled. :-P

        1. Don P.*

          Per Marie Kondo: if you at least make the socks lie flat, instead of putting them in a heap, they will fit in less space.

    9. Elf*

      Similar situation in my house (toddler and a six year old) and in general washing and folding is my job and putting away is my husband’s. We had been in the situation where it was sitting unfolded in baskets forever, but I have mostly fixed that by putting on a tv show in the kitchen, cleaning the kitchen table super well, and folding the laundry while my husband does dishes. The combo of “only time we watch TV” with “both people working at the same time” really got me over the hump of not wanting to deal with it. It is unfortunately mostly sitting folded in baskets forever, but at least it’s folded in the relevant bedrooms, right?

    10. Teatime is Goodtime*

      We are aided in this process by having limited space to hang dry (we do not own a dryer). So if I want to hang up anything wet, I have to take down all the dry things. Usually that means I put in a load to wash, then de-hang and quick-fold all the stuff. Because we have such limited space, we wash continually during the week, so there’s never more than two loads to de-hang and fold at a time.

      Beyond that, I have two things I do that might help you.
      First: Toddler’s clothes go unfolded in bins next to the changing table, sorted by category (right now: short sleeve shirts, long sleeve shirts, PJs, pants, shorts). I don’t fold the toddler’s clothes much for several reasons: 1) he doesn’t really own much that wrinkles (mostly jersey and other stretch fabrics, though we have a few overalls in jeans fabric), 2) any wrinkles there may be are run-through, added to, smudged up with food and dirt and anything else, so they aren’t really that visible, and finally 3) he roots through the baskets to pick stuff out anyway, so even if it WAS folded, it wouldn’t remain so–folding our kid’s clothes is a sisyphean task that I do not have the patience nor the time for. Maybe that might work for you?

      Second: I put the stack of clean stuff, quick-folded or unfolded depending on what I was able to do, on our bed. That means I HAVE to fold them and put them away before I go to sleep. That or my husband does. I usually fold everything, but clothes-putting-away is delegated. That means I put my clothes away, my husband puts his away, and we share responsibility for linens and towels. For us, this system is necessary: we do not have much space so there’s no place for a mountain to build, but it is nice that this is now a habit for us.

      1. Nicotene*

        Yes to toddler bins – I was originally trying to put kid clothes away the way I handle my own clothes (folded/sorted by type and season / some items hanging by color) but that was dumb. Now I just dump things into a tops bin and a bottoms bin and it’s fine (folded if it’s something that matters, but for a lot of his clothes it doesn’t). Kiddo doesn’t care and he doesn’t have a wardrobe the way I do so it really doesn’t create that much difficulty.

      2. Jay*

        Thirded not folding kid’s clothes. There is no point. I put them unfolded into her drawers. I have friends who deposited the basket of clean laundry in each kid’s room and left it to them. Little kids rooted through the basket. When they got bigger, one started putting her clothes away and one kept rooting through the basket.

        For ours, I also fold and put away while watching TV. We have a big TV in our bedroom really for just this purpose.

      3. Felis alwayshungryis*

        Fourth not folding kids’ clothes. It was a life changing revelation when I realised I didn’t actually have to do her clothes…when she was about 2.

      4. Windchime*

        I fold my clean stuff on my bed, too. I usually do laundry once or twice a week (it’s just me, but sometimes I need to throw in a load of towels mid-week). For anything that can go in the dryer, I dump that load out on the bed and fold it immediately. I keep dumping loads out and folding as I go, and since it’s on my bed, it has to be put away that evening. For things that can’t go in the dryer, they either get hung up on hangers right away or put on the drying rack on the back porch.

        When the kids lived at home, we had a big green chair in the living room where the clean laundry got dumped and we mostly just dug through that for clean clothes. I didn’t really like it but that’s just how it was with busy teenagers.

    11. BonzaSonza*

      I have three young kids (one a bed wetter), a new puppy and no dryer. We’re also pretty minimal (my 3yo daughter’s entire wardrobe can fit into two drawers) so I do one or two loads of washing a day.

      In summer it’s fine because clothes dry on the line in a couple of hours, but winters are harder and I’ve got a revolving line of indoor drying racks on the go permanently. Side note – while most people do own a dryer air drying is still the norm here, we have copious amounts of sunlight.

      Everyone has a laundry hamper in their bedroom and is responsible for getting dirty clothes in it, I won’t hunt down washing. Even my 3 year old manages that ok.

      Dirty clothes are periodically taken to the laundry room and always separated for washing. In a week I’ll do at least one load for blacks, whites, dark colours, bright colours, pastel colours, bed sheets, towels, cleaning cloths/rags. I dump the hampers out in the laundry, pick whatever will make a full load (whites, towels etc) to put in the machine and put the rest in a hamper for the next load.

      First load is put on during breakfast. At lunch time I remove yesterday’s load from the clothes line and hang out the current load, then put on the next one to wash (if necessary). The second load gets hung out when I’ve finished work. The time varies – a load of sheets will take less than 5 minutes, a load of small kids clothes takes longer.

      In the evening I’ll put on my headphones and fold the day’s dry washing – usually yesterday’s load – while catching up on YouTube or an audio book. Takes about 1-2 videos to get through. While I’m doing laundry my husband is usually doing dishes (or vice versa).

      Each person has their own basket that I put the folded laundry into and then leave in their bedroom. The kids (ages 3-8) will either put their clothes away or pull them straight from the basket to wear. I don’t sweat that, as long as they’re not mixing clean and dirty laundry.

      Wow, typing it out makes it seem like a lot, and there are times it all piles up on me, but for the most part it’s in my routine; if it’s only ever one load I am dealing with at a time it’s never overwhelming. Still, not my favourite chore and I live for the day I can go back to weekend washing.

      1. Teatime is Goodtime*

        We also have the problem of drying stuff in winter–can I share something we did this year that was a game changer? If you do not already own one, I HIGHLY recommend a dehumidifier! Our biggest drying-space is in the bathroom and that, along with showers, baths, cleaning and so on, made it basically a swamp in winter. We had a little mini dehumidifier for a while just to discourage mold, but that died and we bought a bigger, more efficient one. If I play it right I can get a load dried in a few hours in winter! Totally worth it.

    12. Stephanie*

      I watch something mindless on TV while I fold, usually an HGTV-type show that I can pay half attention to. I absolutely HATE digging through laundry baskets to find the piece of clothing I’m looking for, so that’s usually incentive enough to put things away–although I sometimes let it go for a few days before I get fed up enough.
      When my kids were little, the only way I could seem to stay on top of the folding was to fold right out of the dryer. Like, standing in front of it and folding each thing as I took it out. I would sort everything into separate baskets as I folded (the kids’ stuff in one, mine and my husband’s in another, towels separately). It was tedious, and meant two or three baskets to haul up the stairs, but it worked best for me at the time.

    13. ThatGirl*

      We don’t have a kid, but we do laundry every Sunday, and once it comes out of the dryer it gets folded right away and taken upstairs. I realize with a toddler that might nit be quite as simple, but I do think dealing with it ASAP is the only way to go. If it would help you could designate two days a week and break into smaller batches. Definitely fold while watching tv or similar.

    14. Aly_b*

      We don’t have kids but honestly my answer is that the only way my laundry gets folded is if I set a trap for myself by putting the clean stuff on the bed so I have to fold it before bed. This is one persons worth of laundry so doesn’t take that long. YMMV with higher volume.

    15. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Right now, washing and drying is the routine. You need to expand that to washing, drying and putting away. The laundry isn’t done until it’s put away.

      In addition, try to reduce how much laundry you need to do. Tough with a toddler because they’ll make a mess, but if you happen to be one of the people who uses a fresh towel for every shower, stop. Reducing the number of items that you have in general will help too, because even if you fail to put it away there’s only so much that can build up.

    16. RosyGlasses*

      I’ll echo what a few others have said about folding while I watch TV (altho I have been known to dress from my laundry basket during busy weeks!). I tend to follow the @cleanmama strategy of one load of laundry a day, and saving towels and sheets for Saturday. It helps to keep on top of daily chores to do one cleaning item a day + daily pickup and one laundry load.

    17. ronda*

      my moms laundry room had a clothes hanging rack like in a closet across one wall. All shirts went from dryer on to hangers and put there. I think maybe pants did too. clean socks went into a laundry basket…. when they ran out of sock in their rooms, that basket came in front of the tv and socks got matched. There was also a pile of clean towels (folded straight out of dry to flat surface beside dryer or above hanging rack), that you could move to your bathroom closet when the towel supply there got low.

      Each person generally came to the laundry room and moved their clothes to their closets (& put empty hangers in laundry room).. but now there are less people living in the house and I think they stay in the laundry room until someone wants to wear them :)

    18. Belle*

      We have two adults and a toddler in our household (husband is 6’5″ though so like three adults in some ways).

      What works for us is to keep our laundry separate for each person. Hampers keep it separate and make it faster for sorting. I put in a load every night as I start dinner and then put in dryer as we are sitting down. I then do bath time for our toddler as it finishes drying. My toddler loves to help put away laundry, so we then all (including my husband) fold and out away clothes after bath time. Everyone helping means it usually takes less than 10 minutes. Plus it helps my toddler learn how to help.

      Works well for us and keeps it really manageable. I might have to do an extra load on the weekends but never builds up this way.

    19. Batgirl*

      I have removable baskets in my Ikea wardrobe and one of these baskets is dedicated to clean laundry, because I also suck at putting stuff away. I take the basket out and place it near the laundry while it’s still being done, so that when it’s ready it will go straight in. I fold as I put them in them in the basket (good music really helps with this) and then the basket goes back into the wardrobe. I will return to put each item away exactly where it goes as the next load washes, but if I don’t have time, I at least have a clean laundry pile in my wardrobe which is relatively easy to go through.

    20. Not So NewReader*

      When it was the two of us, I did the laundry marathon. Wash it, hang it up to dry, next day fold it, iron it, whatever it needed. It was grueling.

      Older me came to the conclusion- I add to laundry and dishes every day. So I should do something with laundry and dishes every day. I had been doing dishes every day right along, but laundry- nope. Now on non-wash days, I do repairs, hunt for missing socks. weed things out a little or whatever else makes sense. It feels like i am spending less time but doing more. I can’t really explain that but to say that it’s so different from the marathon laundry days that it’s a relief.

    21. Polyhymnia O'Keefe*

      My cousin (with 3 little kids) recently posted her laundry routine, which entails 4 baskets in the laundry room: bleach, whites, tumble dry, hang dry.

      “I used to do all our laundry on Mondays, start to finish, but it was exhausting, and laundry took over the entire house. A basket in each bedroom, some on the stairs to be put away, some on the floor not folded, some forgotten in machines, the kitchen table and counters covered in half folded piles, and the floor heaped with sorted dirty laundry. It was crazy.

      NOW, I do laundry almost every day, but it is determined by these four baskets. They are the only baskets in the house.

      At bedtime, all dirty laundry gets sorted. As soon as a basket is full, it gets washed, dried/hung, folded, and put away. Some days 4 loads go through. Other days 1 or 2.

      But I no longer stress about getting laundry done on Mondays, or that we don’t have clean clothes, or that there are heaps of unsorted laundry in every room of the house.”

      In my house (2 adults, no kids), we are each responsible for our own laundry. When we got married 11 years ago, one of the first “rules” we set (which actually came from my husband) was that no one did each other’s laundry on a regular basis. It’s not my job to manage his clothes. (We make exceptions for things like, “I need this pair of jeans washed; can you throw it in next time you do a load of denim?” and right now, our masks all get tossed right into the washing machine when we walk in the house, so masks get washed in whatever load comes next.)

      I have a LOT of clothes, and I tend to stretch out my laundry as long as possible, and then do a marathon day which involves folding to a podcast. I wash EVERYTHING at once, and usually try to time my last load as I’m going to bed so I strip out of the day’s clothes right into the washing machine. My husband has fewer clothing items and is more likely to have a load or two going at all times.

    22. Jane*

      I fold my laundry while watching something on TV, and if there’s a lot of it, I’ll listen to an audiobook or music on my Amazon Echo while putting it away.

    23. allathian*

      We have weights in the utility room. So I lift a bit, and then fold a few pieces of laundry, lift some more. Light weights so I don’t get sweaty, for warmup. When I’ve folded all the laundry, I’ll start on the heavier weights.

    24. Retired (but not really)*

      As someone else with the laundry mountain, one hint I can add is to let your toddler”help” with putting away.
      Also do you have specific spots where pants, socks, undies, miscellaneous items actually need to end up besides on top of the dryer? It’s easy to hang up shirts if you have a closet rod over the washer and dryer, and folded towels have a spot in the bathroom but at the moment my folded pants/shorts don’t have a designated spot so they still end up on the dryer with the socks and undies. I need to rearrange my closet -get a rack & basket system to accommodate them. Unfortunately that priority has not made it to the top of the list yet. Lol!

    25. Small town*

      We divide and conquer. One washes and dries, one fold and puts away. Young ones get assigned the folding and delivering to various places. When the not so littles were smaller we used to have contests about who could be fastest. If you have a toddler, heartfelt congrats on having clean clothes!

  19. 36Cupcakes*

    My mother is 66 and heading towards a dementia diagnosis. She doesn’t have long term care insurance. She gets Social security disability payments and is on Medicare but the payments put her over the monthly limit for Medicaid. And since she is on Medicare/an advantage plan her medical costs aren’t high.

    I’m a bit lost on what to do. I’ve read maybe a lawyer can help figure out options for long term care. Is that correct? What questions do I need to ask a lawyer?

    1. WS*

      A lawyer will be good for working out which options are financially possible and how to make them happen, but you might want to talk to an aged care social worker or someone similar in your area first, to work out what options are available in your area. Talk to her medical clinic and they will know who to put you in touch with – it may even be someone at the clinic. Do you (or someone in the family) have power of attorney or power of medical attorney for your mother? That’s an important early step to be able to make decisions for her care and discuss with her what she would like to do.

    2. Policy Chick*

      Being a lawyer myself, I’m always one to recommend seeing a lawyer!

      However, if your issues center on financials, I’d also suggest you talk to a certified financial planner (CFP). You’ll have to figure out her needs relative to her income; if she has any investments/savings, how to make those dollars work the hardest, etc.

      Meanwhile yes to an attorney. You’ll need several things (if you don’t already have them): Power of attorney, a general will, whatever measures your mom may want with medical care such as a ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ (DNR) order. You’d be well-served to get your name on all her financial accounts – checking, savings, etc. Take her to the bank and sign a signature card to be added to such accounts. A good will/trust & estates attorney can help with a checklist, provide forms, and draw up anything (like the will) that is specific to your mom.

      Good luck Cupcakes!

    3. Jay*

      Agree with talking to a lawyer – find an eldercare attorney who specializes in this kind of thing and ask them for a rec for a financial planner. Every county has an Area Agency on Aging. Call them and ask for resources – this is exactly what they do. They’ll have lists of eldercare attorneys. You might also want to meet with one of their caseworkers for general advice.

    4. Ana Gram*

      AARP’s website has a lot of good tools for these types of situations and might have useful questions to ask so you can maximize your time with a lawyer.

      1. Corkey's wife Bonnie*

        Yes, this plus if your county has a Department of Aging, they can also help you figure things out.

    5. fposte*

      Medicaid details are state variable. Have you talked directly to your state’s Medicaid agency? They might have more information. Some states have a buy-in option, for instance. I’d look specifically for an eldercare attorney if possible; they should be aware of how Medicaid operates in your state.

    6. Reba*

      Look up your mom’s state/city/county Office on Aging or Elder Services or whatever it’s called where you are. That can help you get the lay of the land of resources available near her, and help you understand what you need legally and financially. They may be able to assign your mom a case worker to navigate care resources. The National Council on Aging website is another good resource to understand what you need to plan for.

      You can also hire an elder care consultant — my mom used one when planning her parents’ care (dementia involved as well), the consultant made recommendations on facilities and coordinated their moves, and basically guide them through the intricacies of the various care systems.

      1. 36Cupcakes*

        Thanks everyone. I have POA for healthcare & financial matters. Our area agency on aging wasn’t very helpful. I’ll try the state medicaid office. Not sure why I didn’t think of that. I just have a hard time thinking her disability payments might be too high for help

        1. Bluebell*

          Really glad to hear that you’ve dealt with the legal details. If you like and trust the lawyer, you can ask them to refer you to a planner. Does your town have a Council on Aging? Sometimes there are knowledgeable staff there. When I was dealing with a relative’s dementia, I talked to Council on Aging staff in a few towns, and got some great info. Hope it goes well.

  20. Venus*

    How does your garden grow? How are the veggies, the flowers, and the weather?

    My veggie plants are starting to grow, in fact the potatoes are starting to take over my raised bed. I look forward to my garlic snapes popping up as I think those are the next big change to my garden!

    1. There’s probably a cat meme to describe it*

      Shorter, darker, cooler days now down under… I’m just trying to keep my indoor babies alive with the right balance of light and water with the shifting sun. It’s dark in some rooms and blazing in others so I’m shuffling pots around a lot.

      Wondering if anyone has found any good inspiration blogs/books/Pinterest boards on mid century modern landscaping? Architecture and decor always appreciatively devoured too :) Just haven’t found any great resources on landscaping yet.

        1. There’s probably a cat meme to describe it*

          And I’m off down a rabbit hole… thanks for the rec!

    2. Teatime is Goodtime*

      I bought another rose! I feel a bit silly since the last one isn’t doing so well, but I’m hopeful it will work like the first one, which is happier than happy at the moment. Wish me luck!

    3. GoryDetails*

      Summer in full flow here in New Hampshire – after a cold spell that made me delay putting my veggies in the planters or the ground. Did a lot of planting yesterday, including an Earthbox (six types of peppers) and two “City Picker” planters (three tomatoes and three eggplants), plus herbs and some ground-cherries (aka husk tomatoes). All of these had to be protected against the plague of adorable-but-insatiable chipmunks, so I have chickenwire fencing wrapped around the planters. Will be putting in the summer squash, okra, and beans today, I hope, with yet more chickenwire.

      Things blooming: yellow irises, mountain laurel, rhododendrons, columbine (a lovely dark blue variety that’s been self-seeding in the same spot for years now, always a welcome sight), and a clematis that climbed an evergreen tree and is blooming at the top like holiday decorations.

    4. Filosofickle*

      Recently I planted cilantro for my partner who just a couple weeks later abruptly moved out, so I now have a pot of vibrant, flourishing cilantro…which I absolutely loathe.

      I am thrilled that my sticks on fire are recovering and showing new growth. I wasn’t giving them enough water.

      1. Susie*

        If you want to turn the cilantro into a positive and use coriander when you cook, let the cilantro go to seed and harvest the little spherical seeds. You literally have to do nothing except ignore it. Cilantro pest is good too and doesn’t have the soapy flavor a lot of people dislike.

        All that said, if you want to let this cilantro plant return to the earth, for example by tossing it out the window, 100% support from this commenter.

      2. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Unlike produce planted for an ex? Offer that up on freecycle, and free your soul!

    5. Susie*

      A groundhog destroyed my green bean, kale, and lettuce plants, just when they were about to be harvested. So I built a fence with netting around my beds…but this will make it harder to harvest.
      All that said, one of my biggest joys right now is sitting in my yard with a beer in the evenings looking at my garden.

    6. Seeking Second Childhood*

      We did some yardwork for my fatherinlaw and raided the garsen for some plants to put here. Alas not the rhododendrons but lilac and lilies (2 kinds). We have to go back to finish tomorrow and I’ll try for quince, giant bleeding heart, epimedium, and whatever of my bulbs have survived in the overgrown corner he’s been mowing & mulching.

    8. Bobina*

      Think most of my anemones have now flowered which has been pretty to see, and looks like I’m going to get at least 1 last Dutch Iris to flower. My lesson is that for next year I definitely want to have a load of anemones in one pot (vs now where I put a few corms in different pots with other things) because I think that will make for a lovely spectacular colour explosion.

      The coreopsis seeds I started a while back dont seem to be growing (they germinated and are alive, but just arent doing anything) – I think I transplanted them too early, so sowed a few more that I had left, hopefully they will do a bit better. I really want some yellow flowers to look at eventually.

      The selection of random annual seeds I bought and planted a while back seem to have mostly survived the slugs except for 1 pot, so hopefully in another month or two I should have some happy flowers to look at from there.

    9. MissB*

      Finally set up one of the raised beds I got a month ago. Still have one in my basement but it’ll wait until fall.

      I was out there planting the rest of my plants today and I realized I grew SO much from seed this year! I did buy two eggplant starts but the rest of it was from seed. Hoping the cukes and various winter and summer squash plants take off.

      I ended up planting in about 10 bags since I ran out of bed space. Ran out of soil too. Figured that meant I was simply done,

      Seriously sore,

    10. Clisby*

      My cherry tomatoes have been ripening for a couple of weeks but the bigger ones are slower. The first one ready to be picked and made into tomato sandwiches was snagged by (we think) a squirrel. I have lectured my indoor-outdoor cat on how he isn’t doing his job, but oddly enough, he seems indifferent. No idea why pests haven’t been targeting the cherry tomatoes. Anyway, now I’m picking them as they get within 2 days of being fully ripe and putting them in a sunny window. We’ve eaten the first beefsteak tomato ripened this way, and now a Celebrity is in the window. Jalapenos are flourishing, and my basil is flowering so I’m going to see if I can root some for a couple more plants.

  21. Policy Chick*

    Being a lawyer myself, I’m always one to recommend seeing a lawyer!
    However, if your issues center on financials, I’d also suggest you talk to a certified financial planner (CFP). You’ll have to figure out her needs relative to her income; if she has any investments/savings, how to make those dollars work the hardest, etc.
    Meanwhile yes to an attorney. You’ll need several things (if you don’t already have them): Power of attorney, a general will, whatever measures your mom may want with medical care such as a ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ (DNR) order. You’d be well-served to get your name on all her financial accounts – checking, savings, etc. Take her to the bank and sign a signature card to be added to such accounts. A good will/trust & estates attorney can help with a checklist, provide forms, and draw up anything (like the will) that is specific to your mom.
    Good luck Cupcakes!

    1. Lifelong student*

      I often see the advice to add someone to an account. While it is easy, it is not always wise.

      If the new co-owner dies before the original owner, there may be inheritance tax. If the new co-owner is sued or divorced, the assets may be subject to claims.
      When the original owner dies, the new co-owner becomes entitled to the balance. If that is not the intent, other heirs are disadvantaged. Even if the new co-owner shares, there is a potential for gift tax issues- and there may be state gift tax even if the federal limits are not reached. Even if no federal gift taxes are due there may be filing requirements.
      Just get a POA and avoid these risks.

      If you have a properly drawn POA, there is no need to add names to an account.

      1. Frenchfry*

        This just happened with my mother’s estate. She had added a sibling to her checking account because she somehow thought it would be easier to send him money overseas in case of an emergency. She never told him about his name being added and it was never intended to be a joint account. When she passed away he was able to gain access to quite a bit of money and it’s caused a lot of bad feelings!

  22. Potatoes gonna potate*

    Hi. I am hoping I can get some help from fellow crafters here? I saw this backdrop (link in reply) and after a bit of googling and asking around earlier this week I think I understand how it’s made but would just like some confirmation?

    The reason I’m asking is bc I’m planning a small event and I’m hiring a decorator to recreate this backdrop for me. I got very wildly different prices (ranging from $250-1000), so I’d like to know what I’m paying for and what to ask for. I have never done crafts, so there’s no way I’m going to DIY this lol. For example, if I’m quoted $$ for a cake I know pretty much what’s going into that–the ingredients, supplies used, design, labor, etc.

    This is what I was able to learn:

    From the picture, it looks like the pink flower arch?” is a mix of either premade or self assembled flowers in various shades and sizes that are made of either plastic, tissue paper, cardboard or felt. There are a few butterflies and plastic-looking leaves placed here and there as well.

    Structure wise, I am not sure if its two separate pieces-a frame placed inches in front of a wall, or just one arch/wall? If it’s 2 pieces, it could be frame that is placed a few inches in front of the grass wall, and the flowers are assembled and glued on to a Styrofoam board that may be covered in a fabric? The “grass” behind it is either a heavy sheet with grass-like pieces on it OR it’s a very realistic 3D print of grass.

    I’d appreciate any help or guidance on this!

    2. HannahS*

      Having planned a wedding in the last year, I’m not surprised at those prices–$250 feels low, if someone’s making it from scratch. Fake flowers and greenery are WAY more expensive than I thought they’d be. In my region, unless you’re buying wholesale, they’re about $10 a strand for plastic, which is the cheapest. A strand is maybe a yard long, so multiply that by how many you’d need to lushly cover an arch! Add on to that, if the flowers are not mass-produced, someone has to cut each petal out of paper or felt and attach it to a wire stamen, 5-10 times per flower, then multiplied by the number of flowers–this is a LOT of hours of labour that need to be paid for.
      If you’re hiring a decorater, I’m guessing that you aren’t buying the backdrop; more like having them make it for you but they’re sourcing the materials, some of which they may use again. The price difference probably depends on what they already have and feel they can re-use in someone else’s event, plus how much time they’re guessing it’ll take to set up (a lot).

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        Yeah, $250 did seem extremely low and it made me think that maybe they’re just going to use a printed canvas. The higher end of that price range was going to use half balloons which I def didn’t want. The one I am leaning towards told me she has a vendor who creates these for her, so I suppose I am paying for the item + her commission and labor and whatnot. Which, I am 100% OK with paying a pro for.

    3. Generic Name*

      Yes, fake greenery is quite expensive. I have a large vase with some fake greenery, and it was over $100 worth of materials, excluding the vase. You can ask them what materials they anticipate using to get an ideal of what you’re paying for. I’m not surprised at all the quote is so high. Most of the flowers look handmade, and that takes significant amounts of time. I would expect whatever end product you get would be more “inspired by” this photo rather than an exact replica of what you see.

    4. ImOnlyHereForThePoetry*

      Those flowers are made from card stock. They can be attached to foam board, wire, a wall, etc. I am guessing what is in the pic is foam board.

      You can probably only get the backdrop for a reasonable price if the decorator already has the flowers. The flowers are handmade. Or if you have a very crafty friend with a lot of spare time and a cutting machine.

      Look on Etsy (search for giant card stock flowers) to see examples of how much they cost.

      1. ImOnlyHereForThePoetry*

        Also, the green stuff in the background looks like faux boxwood panels. Expensive to purchase but a decorator may already have them to rent

        2. Potatoes gonna potate*

          ohhh thank you for the terminology, I just googled it and it looks exactly like that!

      2. Potatoes gonna potate*

        Card stock, thank you!

        So I was able to go to a Hobby Lobby & Michaels and I got a better idea of everything; it really helped to see the paper/card stock flowers, greenery, foam boards etc in person and see/feel the materials. I’m still hiring someone to do the backdrop but I’m brainstorming ideas for centerpieces/favors as well so this was helpful. I was searching on Etsy the other day and came across a gorgeous wall flower arrangement. The item description said 3D but when I read the description it said it was just a print. I messaged the seller and they said it was a print, so I was super confused about that.

      3. lemon meringue*

        Hmm, I was going to guess that the flowers were made from sheets of craft foam. The material looks more pliable than card stock to me, particularly the centres of the roses.

    5. Blue Eagle*

      Don’t really have an answer for you but wanted to report that my first attempt at growing potatoes seems to be going great guns! The green part of the plants are flourishing which must mean that the potatoes below are getting lots of energy to grow. My potato project is bringing my JOY so I am sending that JOY on to you for your project!

    1. Wishing You Well*

      My 1979 Kenmore microwave is still running! …but Kenmore might have changed since then! lol

      1. AnonInCanada*

        And here I thought the Danby I’ve had since 1990 was a workhorse! And it still works like the day I got it. Sure, it doesn’t have any fancy-pants settings, but if you need to heat something up, it’s still there! And I also don’t think I’ve ever had to replace the incandescent light bulb inside of it, either!

    2. Been There*

      Whirlpool! Mine is well over 15 years old and, with heavy use, only now starting to show signs of age.

    3. Ali G*

      If counter top space is a concern, we recently bought a Whirlpool corner microwave. It tucks in a corner and is just as big as the turntable (it fits one regular dinner plate). We are actually going to be putting it in a cabinet soon so it’s perfect.

      1. NYC Redhead*

        I came here to recommend a corner microwave! I love mine and it makes use of space efficiently.

    4. allathian*

      Our Electrolux is 12 years old and still going strong. It’s perfect for our needs, mainly reheating.

      My parents have an ancient microwave, I actually don’t know how old it is. My dad bought it at a police auction of confiscated stolen goods some 30 years ago. The original owner didn’t want it back, I assume because they’d already replaced it.

    5. Retired (but not really)*

      I love the one that came with my cabin. It is a Whirlpool and is installed over the stove. It has a vent fan and a light (which burned out -after 11 years- a few days ago).

    6. Imprudence*

      UK reader, love our Panasonic combination oven. Roasts chicken with a mixture of microwave and oven in 30mins, jacket potato in 11 mins.
      The software takes some getting used to, but once you have it’s great. Make sure to get the one with a grill.

  24. Codependent Carol*

    Can anyone provide strategies or recommend books for when you realize a friendship has become co-dependent (or dependent, really, since I don’t know how my friend views our friendship).

    We started out as co-workers and developed a very deep friendship. We usually get together at least once a week. We still work together and spend almost all day chatting on our work’s instant message system, to the point where other people have commented that if one of our dots is red, the other’s will be red too. I’d say it’s about 50-50 as to who initiates contact each day and throughout the day.

    I don’t think it’s healthy to spend this much time in a day talking to one person, probably 4-5 out of the 8 work hours and then 1-2 hours outside of work. I really think I should be cutting back on this but I dont know how because I enjoy it, it helps pass the time and I still get my work done.

    1. Sloan Kittering*

      Oooh boy no reccs but I feel this; sending support. I’m prone to doing this kind of thing too. I hope you’ll get good tips here. Maybe start taking a class and explaining you’ll be out of reach after work MWF from now on, and build up from there. Tangent: isn’t it weird that we instinctively know we should probably cut back on these types of friendships but that this amount of connection in people who are newly dating would be fine?

      1. HardlyLovelace*

        I think we undervalue friendship in our amatonormative society, unfortunately. And we overvalue independence.

        I for one would love to be this close to someone!

    2. Princess Deviant*

      Codependent No More By Melody Beattie is a very good book, albeit focused on alcoholics and their partners. But the tips are transferable. Relationships are relationships.

      1. Might Be Spam*

        There’s also a phone app for the book that brings up a page every day. It’s a helpful reminder to keep me on track.

    3. Wishing You Well*

      Focus on cutting back on the outside-of-work time. Start small and pull away gradually since your quality of work-life depends on this person. Fill the time with finding other people to be with – don’t leave that freed-up time empty. Do some reading: analyze how you got here and what you need to change going forward.
      Sending you good vibes.

      1. ronda*

        I was more focused on the work time engagement seeming excessive. The out of work by itself does not really seem excessive to me.

        So I think telling her you think that spending so much time at work chatting is not good for your work product and the optics for both of you on being focused on your work. Maybe say how much you think is reasonable… ex: still chat 1x morning 1x afternoon. — but it might also lead to gossip at work about how you must have had a falling out :)
        If you are good friends I do think it is kinder to say this than to just start pulling back with no explanation.
        If you are lacking work to do in this time your will be limiting chatting, fill it with work improvement activities, like classes or reading on subjects that would be helpful in your job.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          The fact that others are commenting is a signal to change what you are doing. You can even say it that way too her, “Others are talking about how much time we spend chatting.” Just a reminder you are using company resources here…

          But underneath it all, I have to ask how do you like your job? It sounds to me like both of you are bored out of your gourds. It might be time to ramp up what is going on in your work life.

  25. Despite The Nora*

    After a year of not working (thanks Covid), I feel like I’m struggling with getting back to adulting with a full-time job. How do you prioritize and organize what needs to be done on weekday evenings and weekends? How do you balance cooking dinner, cleaning the house, doing laundry, having downtime, and seeing friends/family? I know I did this just fine a year ago but it all seems to have gone out of my head and it feels like there’s never enough time in the day to get it all done. So I want to borrow other people’s tips and tricks.

    1. Sloan Kittering*

      Good lord I feel this. I was underemployed for much of 2020 and now I feel like I have NO IDEA how I used to get everything done. Working 40 hours a week, commuting an hour each way, and still finding time for chores, exercise, social skills, errands, and everything else?? I’m not even doing half of that now and I’m way overwhelmed. I just hope I’ll adapt over time again.

    2. Clisby*

      On a weekend (or days off, if you happen to work weekends) cook a couple of easy substantial things that can be leftovers for the rest of the week. Soup, beef stew, chili, pot roast, mac & cheese, etc. That’s the only way I ate decently when I was working while going back to school.

    3. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      I think for one you have to give up the idea of being able to do all of those things each night. Laundry is tough because it takes hours so that’s a weekend thing. See friends and family for a meal so those days you skip cooking and cleaning. Embrace leftovers.

    4. RosyGlasses*

      Honestly, I have embraced a new normal. I am limiting social interaction to a couple of friends or short outings until I rebuild my energy (I love friends but my introverted self expends a lot of energy when in social situations). When my husband and I were both working full time, I hired a house cleaner to come every two weeks to keep my sanity and gave up some other niceties to pay for it. It helped tremendously.

      I try to do one small house chore a day to keep on top of things, but extend grace to myself if I just need to veg in front of Netflix for a night and order takeout.

      Getting out for a daily walk or short exercise video also helps rebuild those energy stores.

    5. OtterB*

      Unf*ck your Habitat has some good checklists, etc. for organizing your cleaning

      But yeah, I’m having the same problem.

    6. Cookie D'oh*

      What works for me is having a routine. I like having a clean and tidy house because it helps me feel calm. I also value downtime so that means not everything gets done.

      On weekdays, I get up and take care of the cats (food, water, litter boxes) and then workout. I shower and get dressed and start my work day. I usually cook Monday-Wednesday.

      In the evening, I like to make sure the dishes are done and kitchen counters wiped down. I like coming down in the morning to a clean kitchen.

      Thursday evening, I volunteer so I get carryout for dinner. On Fridays, my husband will pick up food on his way home from work.

      I always sleep in on Saturdays. Snuggling with the cats in bed is my happy place. Laundry is done on the weekends. I don’t like cooking and all the dishes it entails so I don’t always cook on the weekends. I need to get better about meal planning and grocery shopping.

      I work from home, so on Thursday and Friday I’ll take breaks during the day to run the vacuum and clean the kitchen floors. Bathrooms get cleaned on an as needed basis.

      All that to say that it’s difficult to do it all and it’s okay to let things go that aren’t important to you. I am introverted and need downtime during the weekend, so that means I’ll order a pizza for dinner and watch TV instead of cooking.

  26. HannahS*

    Talk to me about food processors! We finally have the space for one. Favourite brand/model? I’m thinking the Cuisinart 14 cup, which was America’s Test Kitchen’s winner. What do you like to use it for?

    My parents had one, and I think it’s a really underrated kitchen tool. I feel like stand mixers became trendier as a kitchen tool, but I know I’ll get more use out of something that can knead bread, puree baby food, and chop/shred/slice veggies more than something that’s primarily for baked goods.

    1. Valancy Snaith*

      I have both, and while I use my stand mixer more, I definitely use my food processor a lot! I have a Cuisinart 8-cup. I don’t make bread in it, because it’s not big or strong enough, but a bigger one might be capable. I use my processor for shredding vegetables and cheese, which has cut down tremendously on the time I spend actually working in the kitchen. It’s great.

    2. Jay*

      I would do what ATK says :) We have a Cuisinart that we bought with wedding money. We’ve been married 36 years. I replaced the bowl when it cracked a few years ago. It still works fine and we do use it a lot. We also have a stand mixer and I love having both because I love to bake, but for general cooking you’re right about the food processor.

    3. Meh*

      I use my Cuisinart (the large one sold at Costco) to make ground chicken or pork, cut butter into flour quickly for biscuits, shred cheese, make pesto, grind almonds. I think I’ve kneaded dough once because a recipe directed that tool, but otherwise I use my stand mixer.

    4. MCL*

      I have a Ninja from Costco. It came with a large food processor, a smoothie maker, and a blender, which can be used interchangeably in the same base. I did have to replace the piece with the blades on the smoothie cup earlier this year, but I’ve had the whole thing for maybe 5 years and like it.

    5. blue wall*

      I love my Cuisinart food processor and use it weekly! I’m staying with a friend for a month, and she doesn’t have one, and I didn’t realize how much it’s altered my cooking not to have one available. I make hummus in it, vegan chopped liver, veggie burgers, energy balls…

      I personally don’t think I would do well with one that combined with a blender, because I like to use a blender regularly in the summer (cleaning time), and also I use very different flavors in blender vs food processor.

    6. Might Be Spam*

      If you have a Kitchenaid stand mixer there’s a food processor attachment so you don’t have to have another base power unit taking up space.

    7. lapgiraffe*

      I was gifted a kitchen aid one and it is not what I would have chosen for myself. It works fine, but it’s no cuisinart or breville. I can only imagine it’s cheaper than those but this is one of those kitchen gadgets I wouldn’t nickel and dime over.

    8. No Tribble At All*

      Cuisinart 14cup is amaaaaazing. I don’t remember if the dough blade comes with it by default, but it’s worth buying the blade case as well. Seriously, any slicing/dicing you need to do, any grinding or puréeing, it’s fantastic. Shred carrots? Purée squash? Make pizza dough in 5 minutes? All of the above.

    9. ronda*

      the stand mixer was great for making cookies, which my mom did a lot! buying extra mixing bowls was great when making lots of cookie.

      the only thing I really remember her making with the food processor was hummus (before every grocery store sold it)

      Veggies were mostly prepared by knife skills. Although some things used the box grater. (yum- potato pancakes & coleslaw)

      My sister had a new ninja blender with this huge blade (multi level) that we used to do the ground nuts for cookie making last Christmas. worked just as well as a food processor. Mom had a hand-powered grinder for the nuts that worked a little better, but gave that to mom’s sister when I moved.

    10. Ali G*

      I have a Breville. I love that it has 2 size bowls (prob 8 and 12 cup if I am guessing). the small one nests in the big one. I can use the different blades for slicing, shredding it has a dough blade (though I like my stand mixer for dough).
      One thing I would say, most of the time the bowls are high quality acrylic and everyone says they are dishwasher safe, but I don’t put mine in the DW. I did with my previous Cuisinart and I ruined it, which is why I got the new one.

    11. Cookie D'oh*

      I think a stand mixer is good if you want to bake a lot. And it’s needed for things like Swiss meringue buttercream.

      A food processor is great for chopping onions, shredding veggies, etc. I actually bought a mini version when I only need to cut/chop a few things.

      1. allathian*

        Our mini food processor is used almost daily, because we like onion in our food. It’s also easy to clean.

    12. saf*

      I have the cuisinart 14 cup. My husband, who does most of the dishes, HATES it. Cleaning is a PITA.

  27. Laura H.*

    Little Joys Thread

    What brought you joy this week?

    We’ve had breaks in the rain this week and I’m having breakfast with a friend this morning.

    Please share your joys, I know I’m in a better mood when reading them. :)

    1. Queer Earthling*

      We took my cat for a car ride. He loves trips to the vet (an hour drive easily), and he loves going for walks on his leash, so when he “asked” to go for a walk when my spouse and I had a ~20 minute errand, we let him come along. He loved it and had a great time! The only part he didn’t like was the 10 seconds when my spouse had to leave to actually do the errand, haha. We might try taking him to the pet store sometime, just because he had so much fun going out.

    2. Jay*

      It’s been warm enough to eat on the porch. I had lunch with an old friend I haven’t seen in person since pre-pandemic. My white jeans still fit me (I’m old-fashioned about white pants after Memorial Day).

    3. Might Be Spam*

      It’s finally warm enough to sit outside in the morning and the wind is warm instead of cold. I can sit on my balcony in my pajamas and read before starting my day.

      My mom gave me an old straw hat that fits perfectly and doesn’t blow off. It helps keep the sun and wind out of my eyes so my eyes don’t tear up and make me look like I’m crying.

    4. Hotdog not dog*

      The strawberries are starting to ripen, and they are delicious! Somehow they taste better when they’re home grown and still a little warm from the sun.

    5. Anon5775*

      I finally get to hang out with my friend after getting vaccinated! We’re playing board games and catching up!

    6. Filosofickle*

      I ordered Chinese delivery and it was delicious. Finding salt and pepper fish was a revelation and has ruined me for fish and chips forever. I’ve been having a hard time with food lately due to a breakup and it was the first time in weeks I’ve actually had a whole meal at home. And I have enough to feed me all weekend!

    7. AGD*

      I was walking down a street on the opposite side of a park that has a big playground. An ice-cream truck drove up and all the kids came RUNNING.

      1. Chantel*

        Some things never change and stay fundamental throughout generations. It is so good to hear kids came running. Warms my heart. Thank you, AGD.

    8. Ali G*

      Last night the weather was perfect for our new outdoor living room! We have a large screened in porch off the kitchen and we just got all new furniture and even hung a Roku TV. We watched 3 episodes of Shrill with the cicadas going crazy in the background. It was really nice!

    9. GoryDetails*

      Rainbow! Probably the most vivid one I’ve ever seen… It was a very hot day, and then a line of thunderstorms rolled through in late afternoon, moving on so quickly that there was a “raining while the sun’s shining” situation. The combination must have been perfect for a rainbow, and this one had broad, clearly delineated stripes, with the colors amazingly intense.

    10. Bucky Barnes*

      A collectible that I preordered 2 years ago finally arrived after multiple delays.

    11. Girasol*

      I solved the problem of the odd-shaped decorative window over the front door putting sunshine right in our eyes in the evening. I got some sun-reducing window cling film. It was easy to put up and actually looks pretty nice. But at 7:30 in the evening, surprise! It sprays rainbows all over the living room. What a treat!

    12. Susie*

      I took a hike and found a lovely spot to paint. First time I got my watercolors out in almost a year.

    13. Laura Petrie*

      I had a lovely reservoir swim this morning and the walk up was beautiful. The woods are full of willow blossom, the highland calf said hello as we walked past and I met a few friendly dogs.

      My really shy rescue rat is getting a bit more confident and is spending more time out and about in the cage. I adopted three girls from a bit rescue in some woods so they didn’t have a great start in life but it is great seeing them blossom. They get on great with my older rats too.

      I made fab vegan burgers last night out of one of the newer types of mince that you can mould into shapes. My meat-eating OH really enjoyed them too.

      1. Chantel*

        This is awesome. I wish more people understood what awesome companions rats can be.

        1. Laura Petrie*

          Rats are just amazing little animals. I’m sad how few people realise how fab they are.

    14. allathian*

      School’s out for my son, he’s happy so I’m happy.

      We’re having July weather in June, perfect.

      We went on a bike ride to a local pizza place for early lunch, and ate outdoors. There were shades, but the seating area was in full sunlight and there was no wind, so it was a bit too hot. But I enjoyed eating out for the first time in almost a year.

    15. Is it tea time yet?*

      I went to visit my aunt and uncle at their new house last Sunday, and it was an even nicer visit than I was expecting. Plus, it was my first time seeing them since early last March, and the first time I’ve left town since last Christmas. (hooray for a long weekend plus all being fully vaccinated and much-needed hugs!)

      Last fall, in a fit of unemployed boredom, I bought 2 bottles of nice fountain pen ink in two of my favorite colors. Then I couldn’t find my fountain pens. I’ve been looking ever since, and recently decided they must have been lost in my move. This was very sad, because a few of the pens were gifts from my mom, and the rest were originally hers. I found them this week!!! So now one pen is full of ink, and I’m using it for all my writing and doodling needs. My grocery list looks fancy, and the dark green ink is exactly the shade I was hoping for. The pen feels so nice in my hand. I feel inspired to send some lucky friend some snail mail! (now, where are my postage stamps? lol)

    16. Small town*

      I had a 2.5 hour lunch with my best friend. We solved all the world’s problems and laughed at anything else. I have a great book and everything is blooming, so reading on the porch is a joy.

    17. voluptuousfire*

      Got my first pedicure in over a year. I feel much better about myself when I have a pedicure, my eyebrows shaped, and a haircut. They didn’t do a great job, just fine but found a much nicer place across the street that looks really cute and I can book appointments online.

      Also found this cover band I enjoy is doing their Tuesday night residency at a bar on the beach an hour away from me. I love this since the place is right on the water and on Tuesdays it’s quiet. I can park on the street and it’s not crowded. Since I work from home, I can leave right after and enter at the end of the boardwalk where the bungalows are and think about how I’d love to rent one for a few weeks one summer. Last time I went I did that and it was such a perfect time, one of my favorite memories of recent years.

    18. Second Breakfast*

      We acquired a chicken flock during the pandemic. Last week we went on our first vacation, so I paid my niece and nephew to feed them every day, but decided to risk not shutting them up at night. (We free range them during the day, but usually shut them in the coop at sundown, and I didn’t want them trapped in the coop until the kids made it up every day.)

      I came home fully expecting to find fewer chickens than we started with. Instead, the flock has grown by seven. We have a surprise clutch of baby chicks, and watching them peaking out from beneath their mama’s wings is such a joy. I love their fuzzy black heads and their little yellow bellies.

  28. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

    I was watching trashy murder tv the other day and while it turns out that in this case the wife was totally behind the murder, the officer talking about the case listed, among his reasons for finding her suspicious, the fact that she had filed a life insurance claim against the victim’s life insurance policy only TWO WEEKS after his death. And I thought that was weird, like… why would two weeks be suspiciously early to be handling logistics like that? Isn’t one reason that people do life insurance to cover funeral expenses? But I’ve never had to file a life insurance claim and hopefully won’t for a good long while (knock wood), so … what is the socially acceptable time for such a thing?

    1. Asenath*

      I don’t know if there’s a socially acceptable time to file an insurance claim. Two weeks doesn’t sound excessively early to me at all, but I have never had to file an insurance claim for anyone’s death.

      I just finished listening to a true crime narration about a case in the UK in, I think, the early 20th century, and the alleged murderer (who, unbelievably, was found not guilty) bought an insurance claim on the deceased under a really shady excuse. Supposedly he, although practically penniless, was in a business deal with the deceased and needed insurance in case of an accident. So the insurance went into effect one day, the next, the victim nearly drowned in a boating accident, the day after that the victim “accidentally” shot himself fatally in the back in a hunting accident, and the suspect claimed to the police that there was no insurance, and immediately filed a claim. The insurance company went to the police, the accused was charged but not convicted, but the company didn’t pay out anyway. Now, that’s a suspicious insurance claim!

    2. Life Insurance Claims Examiner*

      There’s no ‘socially acceptable’ time. Many people notify the Life Insurance company within the first few weeks. Some people may call that same day, especially if the insured has been ill and the death was expected. Most people are using the policy to help pay for the funeral.

    3. Person from the Resume*

      IDK but I imagine that after a death you need to get the money / legal things sorted and 2 weeks seems reasonable to me. And if you are going to need the money because you’re not getting your spouse’s paycheck it seems like you should get that sorted out ASAP.

      Was the wife supposed to be non functional for more than 2 weeks? That seems sexist.

    4. Texan In Exile*

      Two weeks? That long? :)

      I am very organized and after the funeral, filing the claim would be at the top of my list, even before throwing out all of Mr T’s boxes in the basement, one of which contains his employee benefits manual from his job at Apple in 1992. (Companies used to offer good health insurance to people, it seems.)

    5. fposte*

      That’s the work of a scriptwriter who’s never dealt with a death. You file for the insurance as soon as you get your paperwork together. For a lot of people, that’s vital money to keep their household afloat with the sudden loss of a breadwinner; it’s ridiculous for the show to imply they should politely wait.

      1. Generic Name*

        Seriously! Needing money immediately after a spouse dies isn’t exactly a sign of foul play. Maybe if the a life insurance policy had been taken out on them just prior to their sudden and unexpected death that could be fishy.

      2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Nonfiction show! That’s why I wondered if maybe I was off — presumably a police officer has dealt with death more frequently than I have, but I just couldn’t figure out why he thought two weeks was shady-fast.

        1. fposte*

          Then that is really weird. Maybe he’s just not used to dealing with people who are competent while bereaved.

      3. The Other Dawn*

        I agree. When each parent died, we filed the claim as soon as possible so we could pay for the funeral arrangements and anything else that was needed. Thankfully they each had prearranged everything with the funeral home, so we didn’t have to worry. Last week we lost my 21 year old nephew in a serious car accident and my sister and BIL were on the phone the next day, at our urging, to find out about any life insurance he might have, either through work or on his own, and to also figure out the auto insurance. He didn’t have life insurance on his own (possible some through work, which would take a while) so my sister and BIL had to pay thousands for an unexpected funeral, though another sister and I, and one of her sons, covered it for them.

        1. Anono-me*

          I’m so sorry for your family’s loss.

          Please ask your sister and BIL if your nephew belonged to a credit union, a union, a fraternity or any other clubs or groups as sometimes those organizations have small insurance policies for members.

    6. RC Rascal*

      Speaking as someone who had done this, and dealt with death during a pandemic:

      You can’t file the insurance claim until you get a death certificate. Should take a week to ten days in normal times but took a month due to the pandemic. Then you call the companies & they mail you claim paperwork that you mail back. Pretty much none of this is online or electronic in any way. It takes 6-8 weeks to pay out.

      What I learned is that you either need to be a trustee on a trust or have a joint account when the loved one dies so you can get enough money to just pay bills & expenses coming due. People don’t understand this until it happens to you.

      1. Just Another Manic Millie*

        My father died on a Friday in normal times. His funeral was two days later, on Sunday. At the funeral, the funeral director gave me the 20 death certificates that I had ordered.

        I had quit work two years before my father died so that I could take care of him. Twenty-three days after he died, I went on a cruise. I’m lucky that that policeman wasn’t investigating my father’s death, or else he would have suspected me of killing him.

      2. Dancing Otter*

        And even with a joint account, the bank might freeze the account when one party dies. 20/20 hind-sight, but if I had to do it again, I would empty the safe deposit box and withdraw a LOT of money before telling them XYZ had died. (Assuming I could get there before the gossip.)
        You can get an EIN for the estate on the IRS website very easily, and open a new bank account for the estate. Or just an individual account, if you’re the spouse or sole heir. But don’t count on access to a joint account.

    7. OyHiOh*

      The funeral home that took care of my husband submitted the life insurance claim for me. They got paid within a couple weeks of the funeral, and I got the rest a week or so after that. I was well and truly surprised at how many different bits of sorting out the unexpected end of a life that the funeral home was either able to do for me, or helped me know where to go for.

      1. Clisby*

        I don’t know whether the funeral home submitted the life insurance claim when my father died, but for sure they were in charge of ordering death certificates.

    8. Teapot Translator*

      Was it fiction or non-fiction? I think we all have different ideas of what is acceptable/not acceptable after someone dies. For example, after my dad died, I felt like I needed to empty the house to mourn. One of my brothers wanted to wait.
      Also, this reminds of a discussion on Twitter about the CSI episode where they think it’s murder because a woman wouldn’t wear an expensive bra without matching panties. My bras are super expensive because of my size, no way am I going to start wearing matching panties.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        It was non-fiction – I think it was an episode of Forensic Files, though I can’t swear to that. (I watch a lot of trashy non-fiction murder TV :P ) Usually it’s the criminals doing dumb things, like mailing in the warranty card for the chainsaw they use or (this one just kills me, no pun intended) writing the victim’s name on the memo line of the check they used to buy their murder gear at the local hardware store. (SERIOUSLY.)

        But the cop in this episode was all “Then the icing on the cake, this was a huge red flag to me, she had already filed the insurance claim two weeks after his death! I thought that was really suspicious.” And I just couldn’t wrap my head around WHY that would be suspicious. Two HOURS, sure, I could even see being a little surprised that someone was in that state of functioning after two DAYS, but two weeks? Shit gotta get done, yo.

        1. newbie*

          Was it 2 weeks after his *death* or two weeks after he went missing? The latter would be a huge red flag. The former, not at all.

          1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            After his death – there was no missing, he “just” got shot.

        2. Lcsa99*

          It’s likely there were just a lot of little things about her mannerisms and so on and he couldn’t really put his finger on why it felt wrong so this was the easiest thing to point to.

    9. fhqwhgads*

      That’s a stupid plot. An officer should suspect the spouse because if there’s foul play, the spouse is statistically likely to be involved. The time to file a claim doesn’t make her more or less suspicious. She’s suspicious by being the spouse.

      1. Batgirl*

        Yeah, I think that was just a way of coming up with a more interesting reason than “it’s standard procedure to suspect the spouse”.

    10. Valancy Snaith*

      To me, that almost sounds like a confusion between getting a new life insurance policy two weeks before someone dies–very possibly suspicious!–and filing for the policy two weeks after someone dies–not suspicious at all. When my mom died we filed about two weeks afterwards–it definitely took about a week-plus to get the death certificate, plus another couple of days or whatever.

    11. Not So NewReader*

      I guess I should be arrested then? With the funeral home calling for payment plus all those medical bills, you better believe I filed as soon as I had those DCs.
      The officer was naïve.

  29. Acorn tv recommendations*

    I have a subscription to Acorn tv but other than Agatha Raisin and Brokenwood Mysteries have not found anything I like.

    Anyone have any recommendations?

    I prefer lighthearted, contemporary (takes place after cellphones are common use) mysteries.

    I tried to get into Queens of Mystery but did not like the characters.

    Wish Shakespeare and Hathaway was on Acorn instead of Britbox.

    Thanks

    2. Mari*

      Is death in paradise on acorn? I haven’t had a subscription there in a while.

      There was also one about crime scene cleaners … mr. and mrs. murder …a little more comedy mystery but in the same vein as Agatha raisin I think.

    3. WellRed*

      If you don’t mind subtitles I just started watching Candace Renoir on Acorn. What about My Life is Murder with Lucy Lawless?

    4. Clisby*

      I was really bummed when the latest season of Brokenwood Mysteries ended; that’s a good series. (My husband bought me several CDs of the New Zealand-flavored country music Mike is always playing in his car.)

      1. pancakes*

        We recently started watching that and are enjoying it a lot. We’re nearly through with season 3 and can’t resist practicing our NZ accents around the house.

      1. WellRed*

        Yes and I think the UK version while not lighthearted is lighter than the American ones.

    6. Aly_b*

      Is Phryne Fisher on there still? It’s a charming detective show though not contemporary. The one with the niece is less good but still fun IMO.

    8. Wishing You Well*

      Midsomer Murders – although 4 murders in most episodes is a bit much!

    9. Clisby*

      Have you tried Foyle’s War? It’s one of the best TV series I’ve ever seen. It takes place starting just before WWII and goes through a few years after WWII. Michael Kitchen plays Foyle.

    10. Miriam Collins*

      It’s not a crime show, but have you watched Doc Martin? Vera is really good. Hamish McBeth, Pie in the Sky, and Lovejoy are good but a little older. I’ve watched a lot of mysteries that aren’t lighthearted: Hidden, One Lane Bridge, Jack Irish, Mystery Road, Thorne. I really enjoyed the Wisting series (Norwegian so you have to use subtitles) and Rebecka Martinsson (Swedish).

      1. Clisby*

        Yes to Doc Martin! I was really sad when that series ended. Mystery Road also is good.

    12. Anono-me*

      I don’t know if they are on Acorn, but two that might be are ‘New Tricks’ and ‘Rosemary & Thyme’. ‘New Tricks’ is post cell phone and ‘Rosemary & Thyme’ is just pre cell.

  30. M. from P.*

    Has anyone else started reading Alison’s book recommendation of the week?
    I looked up a sample chapter and got hooked immediately. To be honest, I was initially more interested in the Princeton admission process than the interpersonal angle. I wonder how much it reflects the actual experience of admission office work?

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I checked my library for it, because I also liked The Plot (which I read the weekend she rec’ed it) but while they had other books by the same author, they did not have this one. I did grab two others though. :)

    3. AGD*

      I read ‘Admission’ not long ago, oddly enough. I thought the description of Portia’s work was so thorough as to be way more interesting than the fictional framing, but some of the professional reviewers thought the opposite, so YMMV. The author has been fascinated by the admissions process for decades and apparently worked as a support admin officer for a while both to satisfy her curiosity and do research for the novel!

      2. Ask a Manager* Post author

        Yes! The thing I liked most about the book was all the details about her work. It was so thorough and detailed (and continues throughout the book as a major theme; it’s not like you just learn about it once up-front and then that’s it) and was utterly fascinating.

        1. Unladen European Swallow*

          This book made the rounds in the admissions office I worked in when it got publicity right before the Tina Fey/Paul Rudd movie came out. Then we organized a group outing to see it together in the theater!

          I’d say the admission work pieces are “realistic fiction.” It’s been years since I read the book (I haven’t reread it since that one time, now about 10years ago!), but I rememeber thinking the descriptions of the fall travel being mostly true (I felt more exhausted at the end of the day than the main character from being “on” for hours on end). The application reading descriptions were OK: yes, you’re trying to make distinctions among students who have very similar, impressive backgrounds; yes, you’re keeping your eye out for that “diamond in the rough”; yes, there are always more amazing applicants than there is room to admit. Reading applications at an extremely selective school like Princeton is very much about processing lots of information at a very high volume. Previously, I had considered myself to be a fairly quick reader – working in admissions developed that skillset to an exponential degree.

          The Gatekeepers is an excellent nonfiction book about the inner workings of an elite admissions office, Wesleyan. It’s now many years old, but it does a good job of capturing the rhythms of an admissions office. Biggest differences are that apps are now all electronic and it’s even more competitive because of record number of apps the school now receives.

          *background: have worked in admissions at selective institutions, though neither Princeton or Wesleyan

          2. Laura Petrie*

            Until very recently I worked as a senior admissions manager at a relatively prestigious UK university. I’ve just ordered the book so I’ll be interested to see how it differs in the US. I have seen the film version but I thought it was terrible.

  31. PeanutButter*

    WHY are the different David Suchet Poirot series broken up across different streaming services? This is really, REALLY annoying!

    2. pancakes*

      Britbox has all but series 7 and 8. Annoying, definitely, but I think that’s more of them in one place than any other service.

  32. Queer Earthling*

    Fat positivity thread? I’ve been thinking about starting one for the past few weeks but always chicken out haha.

    What are your personal experiences with the fat positive movement? How do you deal with constant diet talk in our culture? Do you have any good resources? I know “Health At Any Size” by Linda Bacon is supposed to be super good and eye-opening for a lot of people, but I haven’t gotten around to reading it yet!

    For me, fat positivity came hand-in-hand with other causes I care about, because they share the common theme that there’s no wrong way to have a body. Seeing the recent research that shows how fatness does not actually correlate with health has been really helpful, too, but so have conversations about how “healthy” is not a statement of morality.

    1. Teapot Translator*

      I support fat positivity and health at any size.
      I’m not every knowledgeable. At the moment, what I try to do, is never talk about food as (morally or nutritionally) good or bad. I try to talk about recipes (whether they were good or not) and what I like to eat. Also, when I get frustrated when exercising and blame it on my weight, I try to be thankful of my body and remind myself that the goal here is not to become an athlete. My subconscious expectations are always ridiculous.

    2. MK*

      Learning about these concepts back in the day and reading the fat acceptance blogs that were popular at the time (2008 or so) had an enormous improvement in my quality of life. Not saying I have succeeded at ridding myself of internalized fatphobia or erased the stress that comes with being part of a marginalized group. But knowing that there is actually nothing wrong with me and that it’s society and diet culture that is messed up helps a lot. Like, it sucks to know that the majority of people I meet assume I’m lazy, unhealthy, don’t exercise, eat “too much,” or (if they’re nice), “struggle with my weight,” upon taking one look at me. (Even my very kind best friend recently told me it was a big accomplishment that I didn’t gain weight during the pandemic and I should be proud about it. I don’t see why you would assume this is an accomplishment for me, unless you assume that I eat more in response to stress. No shame to anyone who does this, but I have different unhealthy coping mechanisms for stress.) But at least I logically know these things aren’t true.

      More recently I discovered Aubrey Gordon (who for a while wrote anonymously as “Your fat friend” and I can’t recommend her writing enough.

    3. Filosofickle*

      I’m actively trying to learn from it. It’s really helped to fill my social feeds with different kinds of people, initially fat and non-white and now gray hair and disabilities. It will keep expanding. It sounds gross to call this exposure therapy, but we really are shown a very specific mold of what the “right kind” of person looks like and it takes a real effort to rewire decades of those messages. I’m normalizing what the world actually looks like. It’s helping.

      I have not done a great job at shutting down diet talk coming from me, which I was especially concerned about affecting my (now ex) relationship. I don’t want to talk about it, but sometimes it just pops out! It’s going to be a lifetime practice to rewire this stuff too. I am especially challenged by threading the needle where I love/accept myself as I am while still looking for ways to feel better. Every time I try to eat differently or exercise for self-care reasons it gets bound up in my head with body shame and that’s so unhelpful. This seems to be something the movement struggles with, too. If someone loses weight it can be controversial.

      I deeply appreciate learning the term “body terrorism” from Sonya Renee Taylor. That concept feels so important to recognize for me. Her book The Body Is Not An Apology is great.

      1. RosyGlasses*

        I loved watching Shrill (on Hulu I think). That helped me tremendously in reframing my mental image of myself as not a bad person for not looking a certain way. Highly recommend.

      2. Sleeping Late Every Day*

        So… you shop for friends to fit diversity quotas? That would make me back out of any friendship if I found I’d been selected because I hit a certain weight or had gray hair. I really hope I read that wrong.

      3. winter*

        I get what you’re saying about the selfcare/exercize/diet culture connection. For me I have found that exercize for its own sake (because it’s “good for you”) is just a no-go. it makes the whole thing feel fraught and depressing and enforces an unhealthy mindset for me.
        So I really try to focus on doing things I find fun and entertaining, they may include movement or they don’t (like reading, drawing,. ..)
        When moving/exercise starts to feel like a “should” I stop. At some point I will notice that I want to clean something or pace because I’m bored etc and then it’s all good again. it is really hard to get all of this right though.

        For eating, one thing I liked was from Fat Nutritionist: Always add, never subtract. The thought is that if you restrict certain foods that feeds an unhealthy mindset and can stress out your body (“oh no, we’re not getting enough to eat!”). So why not add some food to the stuff you would eat anyway to see what works for you? You might find some new favorites or you might not. But even if you aren’t in love with any of the new options it means you’ll eat a wider variety of food.

    4. Jules of the River*

      I’m a fan of the podcast Maintenance Phase. It’s fairly new but has a fun, chatty feel. I especially liked their takedown of things like The Biggest Loser (a show that has always flat-out baffled me as an obviously bad idea) and Ed McMahon’s diet book (shrimp cocktail and martinis are health food apparently lol).

      1. pieforbreakfast*

        I just started this podcast and those are the two I’ve listened to, plus the one on Halo Top. The Ed McMahon cookbook was bananas.

        1. Jules of the River*

          Seriously! I wasn’t expecting to feel so bad for him too. Apparently Carson was a real piece of work.

      2. meyer lemon*

        I was just going to recommend this! I really like their approach to debunking diet myths because there are so many of them that normally go completely unchallenged. And I think Aubrey Gordon is just a delight in general.

      3. Queer Earthling*

        I’ve heard really good things about Maintenance Phase, but I can’t do podcasts. I may have to look up if they have transcripts available, they sound fantastic.

    5. Unkempt Flatware*

      For me, it was when I began dating my current partner. He loves and celebrates women of all sizes and very genuinely. He’s not a chubby chaser. He just thinks all women are beautiful. It really changed how I look at myself and others.

    6. Dancing Otter*

      I still remember the schadenfreude with which I learned that Jim Fixx — who reached the best seller lists extolling the ability of running to cure anything and everything — had died of a heart attack, back in the 1980s.
      You can do everything “right”, and still get sick.
      The low carb diet my doctor recommended for weight loss is almost exactly what they told me to avoid for my gallbladder. So what defines doing everything right, anyway?

      1. Queer Earthling*

        This is a huge point. Like, what’s healthy for me is not what’s healthy for everyone! And the medical community’s fatphobia literally kills people, so…it’s an issue that needs to be addressed.

    7. RagingADHD*

      Everyone has a different experience. Personally, I have encountered a great deal of ageism and ableism masquerading as “body positivity” and “fat acceptance”. There are health conditions that get worse and hurt more when you weigh more or have higher body fat. The older you are, the more likely you are to have them, and the more pronounced the impact of body fat is.

      I know, because this is the body I live in. I have some of these conditions. I try to manage my weight because of them.

      And I have received a good deal of shaming & denial when I mention that no, I can’t be healthy at any size, because I don’t want to have out-of-control blood pressure or be in constant pain.

      The principle of body positivity is great in theory, but the movement attracts a lot of people who are just in it for the wishful thinking, and who get *very* angry about bodies that don’t support their narrative that fat never has anything to do with health.

  33. merope*

    I am looking for stories/recommendations regarding becoming a multi-cat household.

    For the past 12 years, I had two female cats who lived in easy comfort with one another (I did not adopt these two together; the second joined us a few years after I adopted the first). The older of the two passed in April from kidney disease. The younger, Frannie, has always been around other cats and is very shy around people, so I wanted to bring in a companion for her especially once I went back to work. I decided to adopt two unrelated young female cats from my local shelter, Izzy and Lena, both around 6-7 months old. The two littles came home May 14, but they are all still living in their separate spaces as we work to acclimatize to one another.

    The cats do not yet get along; Izzy, if not distracted by play, hunts Lena when they are in the same space; Frannie is fine as long as she is more that 5 feet away from the newcomers; today Lena, who is not feeling well after some vaccinations yesterday, had a very bad reaction to everyone. I am finding the whole situation extremely stressful and am starting to think I have made a mistake in adding these two new cats to a previously stable situation.

    How can I help the cats live peacefully together, and how can I get my stress levels down so I don’t set them off myself?

    1. Not A Manager*

      Why are you waiting so long to let them work things out on their own? I don’t know if things have changed since I had cats, but we used to have them in separate spaces for a few days, then slowly introduce them to a shared space over another few days, and then basically let them have at it.

      It takes some time for them to work out their own interactions and boundaries, but in my experience they need to do that at some point no matter how long you wait before you allow it.

      1. merope*

        The new ones were separated from each other for the 1st 10 days because one had a cold; meanwhile Frannie is a little slow to warm up to changes and I wanted to give her time to adjust.

    2. A313*

      Jackson Galaxy has great info on how to deal with exactly these situations. You want to build up Lena’s confidence and tire Izzy out, from what I remember. Also, provide “escape routes” for both Lena and Frankie — create a pathway of cat shelves/perches so they can get up off the floor and away. Play with Izzy with a wand-type toy and wear her out a couple of times a day.

      1. BrambleBerry37*

        +1 Definitely check out Jackson Galaxy’s stuff. I would also recommend Kitten Lady on YT. Both have some good behavioral and care info.

    3. Cat and dog fosterer*

      I would introduce the younger ones to each other first and get them to a point where they play together well. Then add the older one to the mix. Trying to do three at once isn’t double the problems of introducing two, it is much harder than that.

    4. YouwantmetodoWHAT?! *

      I highly recommend ThunderEase!
      We have 4 cats (oh boy), and we can always tell when it has run out. Now we get the multi-packs so we don’t (run out).
      We use the Multi-Cat Calming Diffusers in two rooms, but I’m thinking about adding a 3rd since we added the latest rescue.

    5. HereKittyKitty*

      To be honest, it just takes time.

      I introduced a male cat to my female cat a few years ago and it took months before they could safely be alone together. I was in tears at one point thinking I ruined things by trying to bring another cat in. The male cat just wanted to be friends and cuddle with the female cat, the female cat HATED him and would try and fight him. After about 2-3 months, they could chill out alone in the same space without problems. After 6 months they’d hang out on the couch together. Now about two years later they snuggle each other in the winter and groom each other like they’re good friends. The female cat still chases the male cat sometimes, or smacks him in the face occasionally, but for the most part they get along really well.

      One thing that helped the most in the early days was a group feeding time with super special smelly wet food. The only time they would get wet food is when they were eating together in the same room and we gradually scooted the bowls closer to each other. Wet food can also be messy, so they tended to groom themselves after eating and it allowed for 20 min of peace together with all the happy endorphins running through their brains.

  34. ecnaseener*

    Recommendations for comfortable easy-to-store seating? I’m looking at those “hang-around” chairs, the round folding ones. I think that’s a brand name and idk what they’re called in other brands. Couches are on back-order for a couple months, so i need some temporary seating for my new apartment!

      1. ecnaseener*

        Hm, that honestly doesn’t look comfy or attractive to me. I’m looking for chairs to use in my living room area for guests.

    2. Generic Name*

      I would get some fold up camp chairs. Much more comfortable than the plastic lawn chairs I sat in while I furnished my first apartment. :)

      1. ecnaseener*

        I’m sure they’re better than plastic, but they’re still canvas and you have to sit up straight in them. I’m looking for things in the vein of the hang-arounds — soft fabric and able to be curled up in.

        1. Generic Name*

          I see the comment about papasans below. Those aren’t exactly easily stored, unfortunately. I remember lounging in a foldable chair we called “butterfly” chairs in the 80s? I think you could get oversized ones, but I have no idea if they even make them anymore. Or what about a foldable lawn lounge chair? Like the kind you lay on to sunbathe?

        1. ecnaseener*

          I would like to be able to have friends over too!

          Folding Papasan seems to be the generic term, thank you :) still would love any specific brand recommendations for comfy ones!

  35. Trixie B LaRue*

    What are you doing today? Me?
    Laundry
    Going to a Wellness Spa for a foot detox, Vitamin D bed, and Feng Shui bed visit. First time trying this place. My blood pressure is high so I am hoping to de-stress.
    When it cools down a walk. I got up too late for a walk this morning.

    1. Might Be Spam*

      Currently I’m sitting on my balcony until it gets too hot in the sun.
      This afternoon I’m meeting up with my colonial dance group to dance outside. Afterwards I’ll help the host fix some settings on his computer. (I think that’s why they volunteered to host this week. Lol)

    2. ecnaseener*

      Lots of packing, hopefully — I’m moving in a few weeks!!! But it’s already 11:30 and I haven’t started…

    3. RussianInTexas*

      Dealt with the car inspection and registration early in the morning, now watching travel TV.
      Had new blinds for the house windows delivered, so today we’ll have to open all the boxes and check that everything ordered came in.

    4. Teapot Translator*

      I have a swimming class soon, then I think I’ll have a nap and then cook. It’s really cloudy right now, so I’ll try to find the motivation to cook today, so I can enjoy the sunny day tomorrow.

    5. The Other Dawn*

      Cleaning out the fridge and cabinets of all the old food and also food I can’t have on a new meal plan I’m starting Monday. This morning I shopped for the food I’ll be eating on the plan, which is a lot of lean/white meats and vegetables. I’m also getting my supplements in order and figuring out what to take and when (I’m new to supplements) and trying to psych myself up to start said new plan. I really need to get rid of this pandemic weight and eat better!

    6. Wishing You Well*

      Yay for your Spa Day!
      I’m doing a jigsaw puzzle. It’s gonna be a great day!

    7. GoryDetails*

      It’s a sunny 90 degrees here today, and I’ve just spent a couple of hours out in the garden, clearing a long-neglected patch so I could set out some seedlings – and constructing a chickenwire fence for the 4×4 plot to keep the rabbits, groundhogs, and those cute-but-vorpal-on-veggies chipmunks out. It’s so hot (and I’m so out of shape) that I could only work for 10-15 minutes at a time before taking a break, sitting in the shade and sipping water until I got my wind back. I did manage it, and will find out tomorrow if my precautions kept out the mammalian pests. (I used toothpicks next to the seedling stems to fend off cutworms as well; almost forgot about those what with the chipmunk plague and all, but in previous seasons I’ve lost lots of tender seedlings to cutworms.)

      And that was just the patch with the dill and okra. I want to set out some summer squash and Swiss chard as well, and to plant some cucumbers and beans, so there’s more impromptu fencing in my future.

    8. BlueWolf*

      I mowed the lawn this morning trying to beat the heat. Now I’m just lazing around and doing a bit of laundry. One of my ebook holds from the library just became available so I’ll probably read that for the rest of the afternoon.

    9. Ali G*

      I had the most “normal” day that I’ve had in a while. Went to the Farmer’s Market this morning (masked but we don’t have to wait in line anymore to shop!), did some chores around the house and after hubs showers, we are heading to a restaurant (!!) close by to have a drink and an early dinner.
      It’s so exciting!

  36. MCL*

    I just wanted to thank all the folks who responded to my questions two weeks about visiting San Francisco, vis a vis public transit vs. driving. Since our food tour was in North Beach and we weren’t going to another area, we drove our rental into the city. I am relatively unphased by city traffic when we visit Chicago, so I drove while my husband navigated. We were surprised by how confused Google Maps was about our location, it thought we were anywhere but where we were so it was great to have someone physically looking at the map. We parked at a public garage in North Beach and made sure our car was empty. Being an avid public transit user I was a little disappointed how difficult it was to figure out all of the different systems in SF and the apps were not great, and so it just ended up being easier to drive.

    1. Filosofickle*

      Thanks for the update! I may have been the only person who said driving might be better than transit — I agree wholeheartedly that transit her is a cluster. I used to live in Chicago and loved transit there, I rarely drove. Here I drive most of the time and mostly only go to places where there is easy driving/parking or BART access. There are whole swaths of the city I rarely set foot in because they don’t have either.

      Hope you liked your time at the coast at least. If you were just here it may have been cold.

      1. MCL*

        We had a great time! The cool weather agreed with us, though we’re from Wisconsin and get a nice big winter every year.

  37. Paralegal Part Deux*

    So, I’ve been doing Keto since 3/1 (under a doctor’s guidance). Anyone have any suggestions on summertime treats that are good?

  38. Camera shy*

    If I take pictures in the sun with my phone or my good camera or the research tablet, I have a hard time framing the image and seeing if it’s in focus. With the sun’s glare I can hardly see the image on the screen, even with my sunglasses off. I have a very old digital camera with a viewfinder that lets me see clearly what I’m shooting but that’s not usually handy. Everyone else seems to use a phone camera just fine without needing a viewfinder, so I’m surely missing some obvious trick. What am I doing wrong?

    1. Wishing You Well*

      You’re doing nothing wrong; many people point and pray that their photos work out.
      There are fold-up phone shades for sun glare. Hubby uses one.
      I hope you find something that helps!

    2. TX Lizard*

      Make sure you turn your phone brightness all the way up (but turn it back down after to conserve battery). Many smartphones will autofocus if you tap the screen in the general area of your subject. When it’s super bright i often take lots of photos in quick succession with tiny adjustments to angle to make sure I get at least 1-2 good ones.

  39. Should I apply*

    Any advice on where to start looking for solutions if you experience foot pain when walking or standing for long periods of time? In the last couple of years, I have found it more and more difficult to find shoes that fit my feet comfortably (sneakers, not heels). I expect that it is some combination of getting older and weight game. Usually, it is difficult for me to tell if immediately if the shoe will be comfortable for long-term use.

    I spent most of the last year barefoot since I work from home, and now one my additional concerns about going back to the office is finding shoes that I can wear all day and walk around in. I’m just not sure where to start, do I go to a place that specializes in shoe inserts, should I try talking to a podiatrist? For those of you who have issues with foot pain, what are your recommendations?

    1. Teapot Translator*

      I have foot issues. I would recommend seeing a podiatrist. They can figure out if you need a custom shoe insert. Then, I would go to stores (maybe call ahead?) that sell shoes in wider sizes.
      Do you experience pain when you stand barefoot for a long period of time?

      1. Should I apply*

        I have always had problems with foot pain & standing for long periods (2+ hrs) of time. It just seems to be getting worse. I don’t tend to stand for 2hrs straight while barefoot, but I am pretty sure that if I did I would have foot pain.

    2. fhqwhgads*

      Scroll up to the thread about orthodics. The recommendations there likely will help you as well.

    3. OtterB*

      I also recommend a podiatrist. Mine prescribed custom orthotics for me (see thread above) and it made a huge difference. He also recommended specific shoes and a shoe store.

    4. Wishing You Well*

      Start with a podiatrist. You first need to know what the problem is. Please go in soon.
      Best Wishes for Happy Feet

    5. Decidedly Me*

      I agree about a podiatrist! Though to be honest, my foot issues were first realized by a running shoe store. They watched me walked, looked at how my tread was worn down, and recommended a more supportive pair of shoes for my specific issue. It was a huge help! I’ve since gotten custom orthotics to add, which is even better.

  40. Teapot Translator*

    Does anyone have recommendations for not too sweet banana bread? I have two bananas that I won’t be able to eat before they become too ripe. I’m looking for a recipe with about 1/2 cup of sugar. I can be a bit more, but not 1 cup.

    1. BRR*

      Search “Joanne Chang low sugar banana bread” she did an entire book on baking with less sugar

    2. pancakes*

      The 101 Cookbooks one calls for 3/4 cup muscovado sugar. I made it a couple times, though not recently, and am reasonably sure I would’ve used less than that because I nearly always reduce the sugar in recipes.

    3. eez whiz*

      I just made the yogurt banana bread from budgetbytes . com. Highly recommend! I believe it calls for half a cup of sugar but it still tastes plenty sweet (I think because my bananas were more brown than yellow by the time I made it). I used three bananas, but two would probably work if they’re medium to big and that’ll cut down the sweetness as well.

    4. Valancy Snaith*

      Smitten Kitchen’s “Jacked-Up Banana Bread” calls for 3/4 c of sugar and can go with less. It’s delicious and incredibly flavourful.

    5. Mstr*

      Not bread, but to use up bananas I like to make “Healthy Breakfast Cookies” from a Family Fresh Meals recipe (online). No sugar at all besides what naturally occurs in fruit (if you use apple sauce without added sugar).

    6. Pregnant during COVID*

      There is no added sugar in the “Healthy Peanut Butter Banana Muffins (Gluten-Free)” from Rachlmansfield dot com. Definitely healthy tasting – not decadent – but I think they’re delicious for breakfast or with tea, and just sweet enough from the bananas and peanut butter to satisfy my sweet tooth.

    7. Skeeder Jones*

      If you’re not in the mood for banana bread right away, you can freeze the bananas to use later.

  41. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

    So, after three years, I dumped my OB/GYN. She seemd strange the last time I saw her but this year she was completely unhinged, and tries to dump her political views on me, one of her patients. The last straw was this week, when I went for my checkup and the receptionist realised she had ordered tests that didn’t match my medical history (which I couldn’t catch because I can’t understand her handwriting). I’m shocked that a professional with decades of practice slipped this way.

    1. Wishing You Well*

      Sorry you went through this. A doctor who’s losing it sounds scary.
      I hope your new OB/GYN is much better.

    2. WellRed*

      A nationally known practitioner of women’s health who got her start and lives locally recently went down the conspiracy theories and anti vax rabbit hole. According to an article in our paper, her partner died at the start of the pandemic so I suspect isolation and grief played a big role.

    3. Grim*

      Seems to be spreading among the more intelligent folks these days. Unfortunately, intelligence plays no part in a cult.

      1. Llama face!*

        I think it’s similar to actual financial scams where smart people are actually more likely to be sucked in because they assume they can’t be fooled. Sadly my family is starting to go this way too. :'(

    4. Jean (just Jean)*

      Yikes! Between the political opinion-dumping and the medical test confusion, how uncomfortable! You did well to find another care provider.

      Based on a discussion upthread, could she have some sort of early-onset dementia? (I’m figuring she’s in mid-life so age 55-65). I don’t know how you ask this question. Maybe ask the receptionist to ask the OB/GYN’s family or another MD colleague. Or have a word with the local Board of Whomever Certifies OB/GYNs. Hopefully she’s not a solo practitioner. But ultimately this is not your circus, not your problem.

    5. Disguised as me*

      I finally went to my internist. I was surprised that she had so many appointments available. She pushed a lot of associations between mental health and blood types/fingerprints and kept going even when I raised skeptical questions. She was smart enough to otherwise stick to appropriate care guidelines but it was disheartening that someone board certified who I had seen before had gone over to pseudo science.

      1. winter*

        My friend recalled some weeks ago how her primary care physician is against vaccines, specifically Covid vaccines now.
        This is a huge issue not only for the obvious reasons but also the way insurance works here, he isn’t allowed to not provide this kind of care.
        Seems he is not the only one going off the rails in the last months…

    6. Sleeping Late Every Day*

      I had to fire my primary care doctor a few years ago. I had liked her for years, but her office staff was horrible. All the specialists I have to see were begging me to switch so they wouldn’t have to deal with those monsters. Finally, at an appointment after I’d been dealing with some complicated health stuff and too many surgeries, she spent the whole damn appointment finally reading emails the specialists had sent her for MONTHS, while I sat there next to the desk waiting. And waiting. And waiting for her to catch up. Finally, she said I should have a GYN appointment and I’d really like the new GYN specialist I’d need because he’s so CUTE and she couldn’t eat her lunch when he’s in the cafeteria because she’s too busy watching him. Aaargghhh! We’re both pretty much senior citizens and she went full-on junior high! I went home and sent her a pretty scathing e-mail firing her, and her response was to wonder how I got her email. There’s nothing worse than when a good doctor goes bad.

    7. Anon town*

      I am a physician. Some doctors age out of good decision making. It is NEVER ok to talk about politics in the office. I can explain the very good science behind the Covid vaccine. Then folks make a choice. The misordered tests make me worry about a neurocognitive issue. Our hospital requires a series of tests beyond a certain age to maintain admitting or surgical privileges. That seems fair and appropriate.

  42. Jules of the River*

    Anyone have a favorite musical movie to recommend? I’m not picky, I’ve loved nearly every Disney movie I’ve seen since childhood (particular favorites are Mary Poppins and Moana). Last night I was debating watching Hamilton for the 20th time (or maybe Les Mis/Phantom of the Opera again), then enjoyed the hell out of Hairspray instead. I know In the Heights will be out in like a week but what do I hum along to while doing chores until then?

    1. WellRed*

      I quite liked Chicago but I also say you can’t go wrong with Grease. “You’re the one that I want, ooh ooh ooh”

      1. Jules of the River*

        Both true. There was a summer when my sister and I just watched Chicago on constant repeat. We can probably still sing Cell Block Tango from memory.

        1. Polyhymnia O'Keefe*

          I love the stage version of Newsies so much. The live recording was one of our first pandemic “I miss the theatre” watches (of which there have been many, since both my husband and I work in theatre). It’s probably time for a re-watch.

    3. PollyQ*

      Going old school here: West Side Story, The Band Wagon, The Wizard of Oz, Top Hat

      1. Jules of the River*

        Perfect! Breaking out the fishnets and finding a midnight showing is on my post-Covid checklist.

    5. OtterB*

      I am a fan of 1776 and of Fiddler on the Roof. Rewatched The Sound of Music not too long ago. No plot, but it’s hard to go wrong watching Riverdance.

      1. Sleeping Late Every Day*

        Seconding 1776, it’s perfect this close to Independence Day. I watch it at least yearly, sometimes more.

    6. Shipper*

      The 1970s Jesus Christ Superstar is a journey. Especially Carl Anderson as Judas.

    7. raindrops*

      mamma mia. Because it’s nice to have middle-aged women as the stars of the show, and Abba songs, and Christine Baranski’s “does your mother know”.

    9. Something Blue*

      Do you like Gilbert and Sullivan? There’s Pirates of Penzance!

      How fast can you sing “I am the very model of a model major general” ? :)

      2. Dancing Otter*

        Or HMS Pinafore or The Mikado! Mind, you have to remember Mikado isn’t about Japan itself, but the Victorian fad for all things Japanese/Chinese, much of which they got quite wrong even before G&S satirized it.

    10. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      If you can find it, Jekyll and Hyde, the Wildhorn and Bricusse version (the most likely movie version to be find-able stars David Hasselhoff as J&H, which isn’t bad, but for the music I prefer the original Broadway version if you do any streaming audio services) is way better than it has any business being, and has a lot of really good music. The title role has to go to someone who can not only effectively play both characters on stage at the same time, but also sing moderately complex duets with themselves using two different voices, so there’s definitely some talent on display.

      I also have a soft spot in my heart for the version of Evita with Madonna and Antonio Banderas, personally. (Ha. Haha. I originally typo’ed that as “peron-ally”. *rimshot*) Grease and Chicago are both always fun. Depending on what you’re in the mood for, I was actually just talking about Best Little Whorehouse in Texas with my housemate and husband last night, as part of a discussion about Dolly Payton’s general amazing-ness, so I’ve been sporadically humming bits of “Sneakin’ Around” all morning :)

    11. Pregnant during COVID*

      I adore the music from Coco, and it’s a great watch for a good ol’ ugly cry when you need it.

    13. ronda*

      I only remembered the 1st 2 off the top of my head, but I looked up “List of musical films by year” on wikipedia. they made lots if musicals in the 30s to 50s!!
      But my selections are the ones I remember favorably and have seen from that list, so not from that far back.

      Gigi
      into the woods (recored stage presentation with Bernadette Peters !!)
      the producers (dads favorite – with gene wilder)
      willie Wonka and the chocolate factory
      hair
      the rose
      the blues brothers
      purple rain (if you like Prince)
      little shop of horrors
      cry-baby. (this one is John waters, too)
      everyone says I love you. (woody Allen directed, so if you don’t want to see something he is involve in)
      school of rock
      begin again
      sing street. (loved it!)
      bohemian rhapsody (if you like Queen)
      rocket man (if you like Elton John)
      bride and prejudice (I like seeing an Indian wedding :) — a non musical Bend it Like Beckham was better for that desire than this musical)

      I also have a couple Mandy Patinkin albums with him singing show tunes, he has a wonderful voice and some wonderful albums, if you don’t need the full story experience from a musical.

    14. WoodswomanWrites*

      I’m a big fan of Gene Kelly’s old movies, and Singing in the Rain has the added bonus of Donald O’Connor. Although I hold my nose at the sexist parts of the plot, you can’t go wrong with the music of George Gershwin in American in Paris. I haven’t watched the Music Man in a gazillion years, and you’re inspiring me to check that out again.

      3. Clisby*

        Have you ever seen the YouTube video of Usher recreating the scene where Gene Kelly sings “Singing in the Rain?” He didn’t quite achieve the do-it-all-in-one-take, but it’s still impressive.

    15. A313*

      Kinky Boots? I think it’s a movie, although I saw it live and loved it. Also, The Producers was great!

    16. FD*

      Hello, Dolly is my favorite classic!

      I also really like The Guy Who Didn’t Like Musicals, which is available to watch for free on YouTube. They do cuss a fair bit, so be aware if that’s something that bothers you.

      1. GoryDetails*

        Glad to see a StarKid reference! I loved The Guy Who Didn’t Like Musicals, and most of their other productions as well – special nods to Twisted (their take on Aladdin, from the viewpoint of the Vizier) and The Trail to Oregon, which riffs on the old “Oregon Trail” computer game – names on tombstones and all.

    18. I take tea*

      I love Hair, belting out Age of Aquarius always makes me feel powerful. (I wish I could sing properly, though.) And the movie version is quite good.

      If you just want to listen to a musical, I really like Chess. There are some good songs there.

      Seconding Chicago, it’s one of the best made movie musicals I’ve seen. I love how Roxy makes everything into a show in her head.

      Rocky Horror Picture Show, always. Just for fun.

      Doctor Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog is worth watching. Being a Joss Whedon product, I have to warn for not quite feelgood. But the songs are fantastic.

      Check out The Shows Must Go On on YouTube, they have free showings of stage musicals now and then.

    19. Double A*

      Guys and Dolls has some of the catchiest music out there, in my opinion.

      Cabaret is one of my all time favorites.

      Middle school me would recommend The Phantom of the Opera but I’m not sure how well it stands up if you didn’t imprint on it in your teens years.

      I haven’t watched the movie, but we did The Pajama Game is high school and it has some catchy tunes (plus I think Fosse choreographed the movie? Which is always worth it).

      And if you want to give a TV show a shot, there’s Crazy Ex Girlfriend.

      1. Double A*

        Oh I see Phantom is already on your list; I’m deep in newborn sleep deprivation so my reading comprehension/retention is not great. But I see we may have similar taste.

      2. WoodswomanWrites*

        Ooo, Pajama Game. I’d forgotten about that one and now will have to watch it again for the first time since I was a kid.

      4. I take tea*

        I love Phantom of the Opera as musical, but the film is pretty meh. But if you can catch a stage version it’s always worth watching. Don’t waste your time on the follow-up Love Never Dies, though. It just reeks of bitter breakup and the music is surprisingly forgettable.

    22. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Science fiction crossover suggestion: Look for “Remake” by Connie Willis…it’s all plotted around musicals & dance movies, in a future where CGI is getting out of hand.

        1. I take tea*

          Sorry, am stupid. It’s a book, not a movie. I thought scifi musical movie. Would be awesome!

    23. GoryDetails*

      Lots of my favorites have been mentioned already, so I’ll pop in with an off-the-wall one that most people might not have heard of: Cannibal! The Musical, by Trey Parker and Matt Stone – yep, the guys who brought you “South Park” and “The Book of Mormon”. Cannibal is loosely – very, very loosely – based on a Colorado man tried for cannibalism, with a typical Parker/Stone mix of crude humor, gore, and delightfully whimsical musical numbers.

    25. J.B.*

      The Producers is on Netflix. A Funny thing happened on the way to the forum is I think Amazon prime.

    26. Dark Macadamia*

      Seconding Chicago, Top Hat, Singin’ in the Rain. Oklahoma is another classic, also Rent! Music and Lyrics isn’t really a musical but one of my favorite rom-coms that incorporates a lot of (original to the movie) songs.

    27. Laura H.*

      Sound of Music is a favorite of mine!

      Also go ahead and play your favorite if it makes you happy.

      1. Laura H.*

        And if you’re just in the mood for showtunes and haven’t already, Kosh Groban’s album “Stages” from 2015 is lovely!

        I hope he releases a second showtunes album soon! I need it in my life!

    28. Sleeping Late Every Day*

      I may be repeating others, but here goes:
      1776
      Gigi
      Oliver
      Cabaret
      Chicago
      Music Man
      Kinky Boots
      Annie Get Your Gun
      Rocky Horror Picture Show
      Older Rodgers & Hammerstein ones like Oklahoma and South Pacific
      Even older ones like Fred Astaire movies from the 1930s
      Enjoy!

    29. Piano Girl*

      I loved Dear Evan Hansen, Wicked, Damn Yankees, and Guys and Dolls. I also loved Music & Lyrics.

    30. Love musicals!*

      Enchanted, the wonderful Disney movie send-up of Disney movies!

      Meet me in St. Louis (Judy Garland)

      White Christmas

    31. identifying remarks removed*

      If you don’t mind just listening to a soundtrack then “I Love You, You’re Perfect, Now Change”. I watched it off Broadway many years ago and love the songs. Looks like the London Coliseum filmed a live production but it’s not available to stream online at the moment – am hoping they’ll re-release it.

      1. GoryDetails*

        For soundtrack-only, I recommend Jane Eyre; I really love the music in that one.

    32. Chaordic One*

      “Hair,” “Westside Story,” “All That Jazz,” “A Chorus Line,” “Cats,” “Rent,” “Li’l Abner,” “The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas.”

    33. Fellow Traveller*

      I really enjoyed The Greatest Showman. There aren’t a lot of songs, but it has such big emotions!

    34. Anon and alone*

      How about an 80’s musical featuring both Olivia Newton-John and Gene Kelly? That musical would be Xanadu. I’ve been watching clips of it on YouTube.

    35. Nicki Name*

      Oh, just remembered: Beatles movies! Help! and Yellow Submarine are both brilliant (though Help! might need a mild warning for outdated cultural depictions at this point) and A Hard Day’s Night is fun if not up to the same standard.

    36. CanadianCatLady*

      I can’t believe anyone didn’t mention CATS!
      And I love anything of Stephen Sondheim’s – but especially “A Little Night Music” or “Company”

    37. voluptuousfire*

      Just whatever you do, if you want to explore more of John Waters’ catalogue, be sure to google the movies before you see them. Hairspray was the most family-friendly. The majority of his films, especially the early ones, are not.

      I’m partial to Hedwig and the Angry Inch. I’m a huge John Cameron Mitchell fan and the soundtrack is amazing. It’s mostly a musical for those who don’t like musicals.

      Also the Rocky Horror Picture Show. It’s classic, IMO.

    38. TiffIf*

      Rodgers and Hammerstein’s Cinderella from the 90’s–Brandy as Cinderella, Whitney Houston as the Fairy Godmother and Bernadette Peters as Cinderella’s Stepmother. Its available on Disney Plus and I think is my favorite version of Cinderella ever.

      1. saf*

        There is a kinescope of the original broadcast, with Julie Andrews, available on her youtube channel.

    39. SarahKay*

      Sunshine on Leith, and any of the Fred Astaire / Ginger Rogers musicals. Top Hat, the Gay Divorcee, and Shall We Dance are the ones that spring to mind but they’re all good.

  43. Eden*

    I decided today to just go for it and my airline tickets for a European vacation I’m hoping to take in the fall. I’m fully vaccinated and the US is doing well enough now that I have high hopes I’ll be allowed into all the countries I want to hit, but it’s all so hard to know right now. Plane tickets I can change no problem thanks to all the flexible policies rn, but finding a sitter for the cats is the thing that is going to be the hardest to time. Not too early so I don’t have to cancel on them, not too late so I can’t find anyone I like for the whole 5 weeks.

    Anyone else in the same boat of trying to plan a trip without quite knowing if and when it will be possible? How are you approaching it?

    1. KeinName*

      I am in Europe, planning an event which will have attendees from 8 European countries in October. Our boss is an infectious disease expert and predicted it should work but we are still not sure. Your situation sounds tricky because you plan on visiting more than one country, they all still have very different COVID requirements currently and are at different stages in immunising their populations, even ones right next to each other. But I suppose if these mutations can be somehow contained all will be well, haha…
      Good luck to you (and us!)!

    2. Anima*

      I am IN Europe and have a trip planned in August. I’m not leaving my country, but I will go to an island, so it’s pretty complicated.
      The rules to quarantine from country to country change like every other week. If you want to visit Amsterdam and then Berlin, make sure you research quarantine requirements before. It might not be a thing in autumn anymore, but Europe is weird like that with covid.
      I booked everything with an optional cancellation. It was more expensive this way, but I can cancel my train tickets upfront and also my accomodation. I will loose part of the money, but not all of it. I feel a lot safer this way, because I can’t tell right now if the vacation is happening or not.
      I asked friends already if they would take care of my pets if the vacation happens. I’d rather ask now and then cancel later instead of having to worry!
      Hope I could help a bit and your vacation can take place (and mine too).

    3. Enough*

      Country dependant but my son and his friends are going to Italy, Croatia and Greece at the end of this month.

    4. allathian*

      Many places in Europe are waiving quarantine if you have proof of your vaccination status (fully vaxxed), some require a negative Covid test as well.

  44. WoodswomanWrites, looking for low FODMAP foods for hiking*

    My physician has advised me to start a low FODMAP diet for six weeks. At his recommendation, I’ve downloaded the Monash University protocol and I’ll start the diet in a few days. Overall I’m confident that I can manage most meals, but I’m stumped for things I can bring in a daypack to give me enough energy for hiking. I tend to get low blood sugar and fade if I don’t eat frequently or don’t have enough calories. For those of you who are physically active and engage in aerobic exercise while being on a low FODMAP diet, can you recommend food that’s easy and filling that I can take in my pack?

    1. Dancing Otter*

      I just looked at their website, and there seem to be several “good” items that would make portable snacks.
      Plain rice cakes (I think they’re like eating styrofoam, but some people like them)
      Carrots
      Walnuts
      Hard cheese
      An orange or kiwi fruit (pineapple chunks in a baggie?, but not dried)

    2. Teatime is Goodtime*

      So, I feel like I shouldn’t answer this because I don’t actually know what I am talking about, BUT: I have a friend who did/does low FODMAP and also hikes and maybe my (very anecdotal) grasp of what she was doing might help? Basically, she could eat a bunch of the things that she usually snacked on on a hike (e.g. self-prepared trail mix) but she had to be very specific about the AMOUNT of each thing. So like, according to her plan, she could only eat up to a certain number of almonds–I honestly don’t remember the number, but it was something very specific and very low, like 8 almonds. That was true of a lot of nuts and seeds and other trail-mixy type things, so she just made a trail mix that only contained 8 almonds, X cranberries, Y coconut flakes and so on.

      I’m sure others will be able to weigh in on actual recipes and good resources and actual personal experience, but I wanted to share this in part to also say: hiking and low FODMAP are possible! My friend did it and I am sure you can too. :)

      1. 00ff00Claire*

        This is probably what you will need to wind up doing, figuring out the fodmap amounts in trail stable foods and mixing and matching so that you are not taking in too many overall. There are only a few few foods that are so high fodmap that you can’t eat them at all. Most foods have a low fodmap serving, including many kind of nuts, raisins, and grains. You will want a variety because you want to keep your “dose” of any one particular fodmap low. So, for example, you could have small servings of almonds and raisins on the same hike, but not small servings of almonds and hazelnuts.

        Fodmap Everyday is a website with good recipes, and there might be a few snacks that could work on there. They have a breakfast cookie recipe, for example, that is good and would probably be trail stable. I recommend checking out the website as it’s a pretty good resource overall.

        For packaged foods, Fody makes some granola bars that are low fodmap (you will have to stick to the serving size and mix and match with other foods though). Enjoy Life brand also has some options, and their breakfast bars are about the right size for a hiking snack. Owyn protein shakes are low fodmap, at least in certain flavors (I know vanilla and chocolate are). These three are some my go – to packaged snacks. The spoonful app also rates packaged foods, but it is different from the Monash app in that the spoonful rating is an estimate of whether a food will low or high and the Monash rating is based on tests, so it’s a little less reliable.

        Good luck! It can seem daunting, but like a lot of things, once you find what works for you, it’s not so bad.

        1. 00ff00Claire*

          I realized that I should have clarified that not all Enjoy Life brand products are low fodmap. However, they have a list of those that are on their website under the “learn” dropdown menu.

    3. Bex*

      Rachel Pauls has a whole line of low FODMAP products including bars and jerky that should be great for hiking. You could also make your own trail mix from things on the approved list – almonds and macadamia nuts, dried banana and coconut, etc.

    5. WoodswomanWrites*

      These are terrific suggestions, thank you! I’ve looked at the links and they’re helpful. I’m enjoying my last day of eating whatever I want and starting the diet tomorrow. This gives me a week to figure out my trail food before a hike next weekend.

  45. Ali G*

    Anyone pretty accomplished at macramé? Last year during lockdown my mom got back into macramé. Our kitchen was redone badly before we got it, and thus had two different sized windows on the wall you see when you first walk into the house. My mom made us a macramé valence to hide the uneven lines, which we really appreciated even though it’s not really our style. It looked better that the uneven windows!
    But, we are now redoing the kitchen due to a variety of factors we can’t live with anymore (and the oven is dying so we can’t put it off much longer) and so we will no longer need the valence. We don’t have another space/window that needs this in it’s current size (it’s like 60+ inches long/wide so it covers the top of both windows). We could potentially use it if I could split it in half. I’m wondering if it is possible to divide it and reseal (?) the ends? I feel bad because my mom put a lot of work into it for us, so I would like to keep it if possible and re purpose it.
    Any ideas crafty people?

    1. Lizzie*

      Is is something you could fold in half so it is 30 inches wide, and sew up into a long cushion cover? Then it could perhaps work as a big cushion on a spare bed, or a floor cushion, etc. or as a bolster. Or if it was folded in half and not made into a cushion, would it look nice over the end of a bed?
      If you saw it at a garage sale, what ideas might spring to mind? I have a nice piece of material that I never found a more useful purpose for, which now simply lies across the top and sides of my washing machine, it is a lovely spring green.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      I’d be leery about cutting it myself. I have done some macramé and I remember how the threads are worked in with other threads.

      My suggestion is to figure out how to make it part of something else. If you have a cloth shower curtain, how would it look if it was sewed on to the curtain? Or perhaps you have a simple bedspread that it could be attached to. OTH, it might be okay as a dresser scarf or a scarf for a hutch. I have cloth “doors” for my closet. I got some plain, eggplant colored curtains at a tag sale, hemmed them to proper length and now I am sewing on interesting doilies that I will never use any other way. It’s a random but shabby-chic kind of thing.
      As you contemplate this, don’t forget that the handwork does not have to be attached straight across. You can place it diagonally, for a jazzier effect. The doilies on my closet curtains are in a V shape across two curtains, and I used different sizes in but put them in a V pattern. (One half of the V is on one curtain and the other half is one the second curtain. If you close the curtains you see that it’s a V. Diagonal placement can make things more interesting.)

      Last thought. I have pieces that I set to one side for when I make my crazy quilt. I will make a crazy quilt when I can no longer take care of a dog (who might destroy this quilt). There’s a box in a closet labeled “crazy quilt”.

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Could you just repurpose it as a regular wall hanging, or maybe across the top of a door or opening between rooms?

    4. Pay No Attention To The Man Behind The Curtain*

      I do macrame but without seeing the piece and what sort of knots are used it’s really hard to give instructions. Generally, if you’re ok with sacrificing one half of it, you’ll need to carefully cut so there is enough to finish tying off the half you want to keep; but that’ll probably leave the other half in shambles. You’ll always need more length of cord/string than you think because knotting uses it up quickly. Someone who enjoys macrame might enjoy making you a new one :-)

  46. Abby cats*

    Anyone have a notably good or bad experience ordering blinds with a particular online company?

    We have a slightly complicated order due to a weird custom window, and (per family members) our local Home Depot cannot handle anything other than super-basic orders without screwing it up. So that leaves online, since this isn’t a big town with many options.

    1. Damn it, Hardison!*

      I’ve used blinds to go a couple of times for sun shades (10 window total) and had a fine experience. They will send free swatches so that you can see what the material looks like. I ordered 2 blinds in March and they didn’t arrive until mid-May, so it is taking a bit longer to fulfill orders these days. Oh, the installation is also super easy.

      1. Mary Lynne*

        I love your user name! I don’t run into too many people familiar with that show

    2. A313*

      I’ve used Smith + Noble for 2 houses now. But I just went with honeycomb shades, so pretty simple. If it’s a more complicated window, it could be worth going thru a company that comes out to your house. We used Gotcha Covered and they were wonderful, but I think they are individual franchises, so your experience could be different.

    3. Tib*

      I’m gradually replacing all the blinds in my house using blinds.com. I’ve ordered twice now, a couple years apart, and had consistent quality and good prices. Measuring and installation is easy. I believe two of my windows would be considered a custom size and the blinds fit perfectly. I got a honeycomb style where you can adjust both the top and bottom and I love them.

    4. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I’m very glad you asked this, as I’be been dithering myself.

    6. Susie*

      I used blinds.com recently and it was so easy. The blinds were custom sized to our windows and came so fast! I got mine on sale, which made it fit our budget.

    7. BlueWolf*

      I used blindster.com for all our shades (honeycomb style). We measured and installed ourselves and didn’t really have any issues. We have weird windows that are all different sizes including a couple fairly wide ones. They make them to order so they can pretty much do any size. Just be sure to follow the measuring instructions closely (measure the width at the top, middle, and bottom) because our windows were not totally square so that part was important.

    8. They Don’t Make Sunday*

      Seconding Select Blinds, recommended by Wirecutter (for blackout shades), I think. They will have a Fourth of July sale. For blinds that hang inside the window frame, they trim off an extra eighth of an inch (?) if I remember correctly, beyond what they say. We measured very precisely and ordered by phone, so the agent manually removed the setting to trim that extra width. If the blinds don’t fit, you can’t return them, but they’ll work with you to reorder a discount. We had no problems with fit, just wanted to mention the return policy.

      1. Windchime*

        I’m going to give these guys a try. I recently had a window installed and went to get a quote on a blind that needs to (reasonably) match another blind in the same room. It was over $650!!?? I think I can do a little better than that. Yikes. Total sticker shock.

    9. Anon town*

      Blinds.com has been pretty great. I live in an old house (built in 1920). Home Depot and Lowes could not manage a blind that was 5’4″ wide and 5’10” long. I measured, they sent, works great for several years.

  47. Loopy*

    I forgot I wanted to ask for recs for a really luxurious showerhead! I recently stayed with someone who had one I really loved and I’ve never realized with a difference they could make as I’ve probably only used pretty standard ones. Unfortunately I didn’t even know enough to say what I loved about it! I think it was bigger? I really want to upgrade but have no idea what I’m looking for :(

    Please educate me on your favorites, and if they can be used with a standard set up and bonus if you know if it significantly increases water usage, which I’m worried about.

    1. BRR*

      Can you ask them what brand their shower head is? It’s rare to get to try one out before you buy

      1. The Other Dawn*

        That’s the easiest thing to do. Anytime I stay at a hotel with great bedding or a friend’s house with something I love, I just ask. Saves endless Googling and wondering.

    2. fposte*

      New showerheads in the U.S. are required to be low-flow, which is 2.5 gallons per minute tops. Showerheads labeled Watersense top out at 2 gallons. California requires showerheads to top out at 1.8 gallons per minute. So you could restrict your search to Watersense or California-legal if you wanted to keep water consumption down.

    3. pancakes*

      Try browsing “rainfall showerheads” – I’m not sure all of the bigger ones are in that category but some of them are. I have used them in several apartments over the years but don’t recall brands or know how much water they use, sorry!

    4. Damn it, Hardison!*

      I got a Moen Attract Magnetix Chrome Rainshower Combo 26008 last year and love it. I never gave a thought to having a handheld shower (in addition to the regular head) but now I don’t know how I lived without it. I love it for me, but also makes it super easy to rinse the shower after scrubbing it.

    5. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I like shower heads that can be shutout off at the head to not lose your temperature adjustment –useful to save water when you want to let conditioner stay in, for example.

    6. Anono-me*

      I love the showerheads that have both a fixed shower head and a second shower head on a hose. BB&B usually has them on sale for about $40 every so often. Two shower heads makes for a luxurious shower and the hose shower head is nice for cleaning the tub and washing stuff in the tub like dogs or window screens.

      If you want super luxury, for about $300 Home Depot also has some with 5+ showerheads, including a rainfall and a hose showerhead. The one I looked at just screwed onto the shower pipe (the same as a simple replacement shower head). I don’t recall the water flow, but I expect it is higher.

    7. Chaordic One*

      My apartment just installed new shower heads and put in new aerators in all of the sinks and the bathtub. The thing they put in the bathtub and shower head is weird and something I’ve never seen before. Basically, if you turn on the shower or the bathtub, the water continues to run out of the bathtub faucet until it reaches a temperature of 95 degrees F, and then it stops.

      You then have to either push on this thing on the front of the bathtub faucet and the water will resume running in the tub, or you pull on a metal chain danging from the shower head and then the water will run out of it. You don’t get a blast of cold water when you shower, but the only thing I can think is that the apartment management company got “a deal” on these strange shower heads that porbably no one else wanted.

  48. Rent or mortgage*

    Personal finance question: I own a flat in which my mother lives and have some savings. I currently live rent-free with my Partner but might need to move. Would it be more sensible to rent a place or should I take out a mortgage and buy my own flat? The total of my savings amounts to about a third of the price of a very modest flat. If I rent a flat, a nice one would cost me more than a third of my monthly income. I might have to use some of my savings each month.
    A mortgage however would rid me of all my savings and I might have even higher monthly expenses than by just being a tenant.
    I am aware that this is totally not a life and death issue – but I would like to know what you would do!

    1. fposte*

      This would totally depend for me on the country and area, age, future plans, loan terms, taxes, current earnings, future earnings, etc.; there’s no ironclad rule that’ll work everywhere. Do you have a preference?

      1. Rent or mortgage*

        Yes, of course you are right. I would prefer to own a place due to the sense of stability it symbolizes but I also like my savings ;-)
        There is no askamanager in my country so I thought I would see what you all say, knowing that loans and homeownership are economically and culturally very different in the US vs other countries

        1. fposte*

          What you might consider doing is creating a spreadsheet that shows you the longer-term economic impact of the two choices; that way you can factor in taxes and other expenses for both where you are and the effect of each choice on your longer-term savings.

    2. ronda*

      I think it is more a lifestyle choice than a financial choice. I bought a house when the area I wanted to live in (close to work) didn’t have any apartments that would take my large dog.
      I didn’t really enjoy many of the mtc aspects of owning a home and was glad to sell it and start renting again when I sold it when I wanted to change locations.

      basic rule in US is if you plan to stay for a long time, buying should be cheaper than renting and if you want to be able to move often, renting is usually cheaper. (there are online rent vs buy calculators that calculate this) But it really depends on the local market, sometimes rental vs buy prices are out of wack in certain areas. also generally buying in the US is a huge upgrade in amount of space and so more costly than a place most people would rent due to choosing a bigger size.

      I do love this blog post supporting my position that I like renting better.
      But both I and this poster are US focused and since you use “flat” I am thinking you are not. Things may be different in your location.
      https://jlcollinsnh.com/2013/05/29/why-your-house-is-a-terrible-investment/

      1. Washi*

        I love renting! If there were as many 3-4 br apartments/houses for rent in my area as there are 1 or 2brs, I would definitely consider just continuing to rent forever but sadly I think we will be forced to buy when we have kids. But I’ve loved the flexibility and relatively low hassle of renting. When the pandemic hit, we spent $100 on a uhaul and just up and moved to a place with more outdoor amenities, then when my husband got a job in another area, we were able to fairly easily move again.

        1. lease breaking?*

          i’ve always sort of wondered by what “flexibility” means with renting. does that mean you didn’t have a lease with specific terms? you were month to month? how much notice did you give? if you did break a lease, what were the consequences? thanks!

          1. Washi*

            On the first place, the lease happened to be up a couple months after the pandemic started. On the second place, we were renting directly from a townhouse owner who was willing to let us out of the lease if she found another good tenant, which fortunately she did.

            Not perfect flexibility, but still easier than having a bunch of your assets tied up in a house waiting to sell for some indeterminate period of time! And breaking a lease can be expensive, but so is selling a house, plus that comes with a lot of extra tasks and stress.

    3. Filosofickle*

      Hmm. It would depend a lot on my age. I’ll give my answer as me, a 40-something woman with a 70-something mother. I’d probably rent, because the owned flat is a retirement asset and a place to live when I’m older and my mom’s gone. In the meantime, it costs less to rent and I’d still have a savings cushion. I wouldn’t buy if it wiped out my savings, in case I need that money for life / job loss / home repairs. And there are always repairs.

      For context: Like Ronda, I also hated owning and was relieved to go back to renting but now years later I look ahead I am feeling a bit desperate to buy again so that I’m not 70 and losing my place because the rent’s gone too high. Since you already own a place, you won’t be in that situation.

    4. Decidedly Me*

      I wouldn’t buy if it completely wiped out my savings. There are sometimes sneaky expenses with owning that you would definitely want a cushion for.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      My first thought is no matter what, pick something that is a bit below your means. If you can afford x, get something a little cheaper.

      My husband and I bought modest. It was 1/3 less than what we were approved for. The next hurdle is to look at the skill sets the two of you have. What are you willing to learn to fix/maintain and what is a no-go? Maintenance costs on your own property are amazing. I have been here on my own for a while now. I knew right away that if I did not beef up my skill sets I would not make it because I could not afford to pay someone to mow, do snow removal etc. These recurring expenses can be surprising. I don’t do my own furnace maintenance but I know plenty of people who do. I am willing to work on the water softener sometimes- depending on the problem. If an appliance breaks I might try one or two small things and after that it’s hire out the repair or replace the machine. I am willing to knock down a hornet’s nest or a beehive but I will not deal with mice. No mice, period. The point is to have some idea of the types of things the two of you are willing to take on so you have an idea what this will be like if you buy a place.

    6. nnn*

      If you google New York Times rent or buy, there’s a calculator that can help you determine which is more cost-effective. It lets you adjust every variable it uses, so you can see what different scenarios look like in the short term and long term.

    7. Asenath*

      So much depends on you, your future plans, your local economic situation and so on. I rented for a long time, mainly because I was working in a place I did not want to live long term or I was too broke to come up with a down payment for a house or condo, depending on what part of my life I’m talking about. When I did buy, largely because I got my hands on a bit of cash for the down payment but also because I wanted stability in the city where I was then living, I bought a small rundown house, and it was the best thing I ever did. My expenses remained much the same as when I was renting, but I was building up equity, and I could be sure that my landlord wouldn’t put up my rent, or sell my place to a worse landlord, and that my mortgage payments wouldn’t increase for the duration of my mortgage. In my country, the amount of the mortgage payments depended a lot on the term of the mortgage you chose/could be offered, and I kept my payments high enough to ensure I did build up equity. This meant that there was flexibility in how much of my money I put into the house purchase and monthly expenses. Eventually, I sold the place, not for a fortune, but for enough to put a good chunk of money down on a nicer condo, which I could then manage to pay off entirely because of the down payment and because I had a better job and arranged higher mortgage payments with the bank. At that point, my mortgage payments were close to the rental costs for a similar condo. But whether you could do the same depends entirely on the real estate market where you live. And whether you want to do so depends on whether you personally prefer the stability of owing (in spite of the risks of extra expenses that will come up) or the flexibility of renting.

  49. D3*

    Is there some kind of service that if I wanted to loan money to my adult child to buy a car, we provide the capital, the service handles payments and it helps her credit rating to pay back on time? We could do it privately, but she’s a newcollege student with no credit rating at all. She found a place that offered 14% financing, asked us what we thought and we said “don’t be stupid” So if we can do it in a way that we don’t have to collect payments and she gets improved credit (assuming she pays on time) at the end of it, that would be ideal.
    I don’t want any interest on the loan, so I’m hoping for a place that will charge reasonable interest (similar to car loans out there – and not the exploitative “we finance anyone” kind!) and keep that as their fee.
    She’s wanting to borrow about $5k and has about the same amount saved up for a car. (and a separate small savings account for emergencies. She’s worked her butt off and is good with money.)

    3. ronda*

      this article lists a couple of things that might be possible under the credit builder / secured loan link.

      the other way to build the credit is getting a credit card and being an authorized user on yours (apparently does not need to actually get a card on your account and use it for it to help)… probably good to have a credit card in their name now anyway, so maybe do both.

      https://www.nerdwallet.com/article/finance/how-to-build-credit

    4. Redhairedrunner*

      My dad co-signed for my used car that I financed in college. I also had had a discover student credit card for about 2 years so I had some credit history. With both those put together I got a ~3.7% interest rate. How urgent is this purchase? Because if it can wait 6 months getting a student credit card and paying it off monthly while keeping the balance low will give you a huge head start on your credit score.

      1. D3*

        She has a job opportunity in her field about 8 miles from her dorm that pays 3X what the on campus job she did last year paid. So it’s not crucial but she sure would miss out on a great opportunity!

    5. Pamela Adams*

      Is there a credit union that she could belong to- perhaps on her campus? They are usually good with loans.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Yep. That is how I got my first loan. It was helpful that I had some money down, I did not take a loan for the full amount of the car. A good credit union may help.

        1. The Dude Abides*

          Seconding the CU route.

          If it has to start at a high rate (my first loan was at 16%), once the loan has a full year of making payments on time, re-finance. Thanks to the 100pt boost to my credit, my rate went from 16 to 8 within a year, and it shaved $50/mo off my payment with the same projected end of the loan.

    6. Enough*

      Don’t if this would work for such a small amount but my mother held the mortgage when my sister bought mom’s house. Mom went to her bank and they serviced the loan for her. So my sister paid the bank and deposited the money to mom’s account.

    8. Generic Name*

      I think the car loan and the build credit issues might have to be treated separately. You could loan her money for a car (at whatever interest rate you want, including zero interest), and she could take out a very small credit card. I think I got my first student card in college, and at the time the limit was like $200 or something. I started buying small things with it and my credit grew and my limit was increased.

      1. D3*

        They don’t give credit cards to students like they used to. I know I got my first in college without even a credit check! My son wasn’t able to get one at all until after he graduated, in spite of getting numerous “you’ve been preapproved!” emails. It was “You’ve been preapproved IF you have a full time job.”
        But full time student with a part time job, you don’t qualify!

        1. twocents*

          Have you looked into a secured credit card? You put down money as the security and they’ll give you a card with a limit of that amount. That’s how I got my first credit card in the same situation.

        2. Generic Name*

          Huh, interesting. I’m sure I signed up at a table someone had set up on campus, but this would have been like 20 years ago.

    9. jleebeane*

      It far too late to post this, but just in case – yes, my credit union will actually do this! They refer to it as “managing friends and family loans”, so that might be a good google search term if you’re still looking.

      They also reference that it’s a service that they outsource via ZimpleMoney, so while I don’t have any direct experience with them, I generally trust my credit union to vet their partners. You might be able to go directly to ZimpleMoney if your banking institution doesn’t partner with them.

  50. Can't Sit Still*

    My hair has been mostly magenta for the past year, with the occasional change to hot pink or medium purple. I’d like to try a different color before we go back to the office, maybe green or teal? I’ve always wanted to go blue, but after the purple made me look like skim milk, I’m not sure that’s a good idea. My skin tone is very fair with blue undertones and my natural hair color is dark strawberry blond. My hair is pretty short, so even if it fades to a ghastly shade, it will be gone quickly. I bleached my hair this week and then couldn’t decide what color to go next. Today, it’s a rose gold over brassy blonde, which is kind of growing on me, tbh. Any color suggestions?

    1. Filosofickle*

      It’s so amazing. I’ve spent a decade trying to perfect my fake dark strawberry blonde!

    2. Bucky Barnes*

      My waitress at lunch today had the prettiest bright orange hair that transitioned to pink in her pigtails. I loved it. I work in finance or I would totally do that.

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Green (by which I mean a more emerald green, though I think Arctic Fox has a sort of pale or sage green that could look really cool, but I’ve never used that one) and teal both, in my experience, look amazing but fade super quick. The purple I usually use goes on super dark and fades very gradually to a raspberry or wine color, that might work better for you than a medium purple? And when I say “very gradually” I mean that when I got lazy about maintenance during quarantine, the raspberry/wine still looked really good like eight months after my last dye job – I finally redid it because the teal and orange had faded almost completely but the ex-purple still looked like an intentional color, even though it wasn’t :)

      1. Can't Sit Still*

        That purple sounds perfect! Do you remember which brand you used, if not the color name? Wine or raspberry is my ideal color, but it’s tricky to get the right shade and then have it last.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          It is Arctic Fox brand, Purple Rain color! I get mine at Hot Topic, I’m not sure whether it’s one of their house brands or available elsewhere. It’s my consistent pick — I always do at least three colors, and the other two vary, I’ve done various combinations of blue/green/teal/orange/red as accents, but Purple Rain is always my mainstay because it’s a nice reliable base and so long-lived :) I re-dyed in mid-March last, and it hasn’t started fading out of the dark purple yet, though I also only rarely shampoo the dyed part of my hair – once a week at most, unless it really really needs it. It’d hold even longer if I wanted to put a little bit of the dye into my hair conditioner, but I don’t do that because I use multiple colors.

          1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            (For the record: My hair is hip-length, I dye it from the shoulders down, and it lives in a bun 23 hours and change a day, so once a week shampooing for the dyed part is quite sufficient, I promise :) )

  51. Copper Penny*

    Hopefully this isn’t too much of a work topic, does anyone has extra income streams? I want to start building some but really not sure what to do. My husband works and I’m a stay at home mom. I’m going to set a budget and start investing. Does anyone have tips on where they get advise or research? I also want to start freelance writing. I’m curious what income streams outside of work people have and how they started?

    1. Dancing Otter*

      When you say “investing”, are you thinking about stocks and bonds?

      Read Benjamin Graham’s /The Intelligent Investor/ first, before you put a single dollar, pound or Euro in the stock market. Trying to time the market, or jumping on some soi-disant expert’s latest recommendation, is a good way to buy high and sell low.

      Most online brokerages, even the $4/trade ones, have research available on their websites. Much more readable than looking up 10Ks and proxy statements on the SEC website, if you’re not a professional analyst. The Motley Fool (Fool dot com) has a guide to choosing a broker, as well as some resources for investing basics.

      You should understand that investing is not going to produce a significant income stream until your portfolio is pretty large. Stock price appreciation is just theoretical until you sell the stock, at which point you have to pay taxes on the capital gains. Dividend stocks provide cash flow, but the yields on conservative (not highly volatile or high risk) stocks are not huge. Not saying you won’t be better off in the long run, but it isn’t going to generate a ton of cash in the short run.

      1. CopperPenny*

        See I don’t know what I’m looking at. I know it won’t generate lots of money especially short run, but we are young and living Overseas from USA where the currency difference is likely to continue to grow. I’m thinking long term payoffs for retirement in 30-40 years. I was planning on setting a budget maybe $20 a week which we can afford to loose. We have an emergency fund. O just feel as a stay at home mom I can be doing something financially. I am at early stages of research, but I’ve been considering dividend stocks and index funds. I’ll look for that book and check out that website thanks!

        1. J.B.*

          If you are a US citizen I highly recommend starting a Roth IRA. I’m also a fan of Vanguard. Minimum investment amounts are often waived for retirement accounts. If you don’t earn income this will only be an option if you file taxes jointly. You put after tax money in the Roth then at retirement you can withdraw without paying additional taxes.

          1. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

            Roth IRAs are only for earned income. Husband should definitely have one but she may not be eligible until she has the freelance writing income.

    2. Asenath*

      When I started putting money aside, long term for retirement rather than just emergency funds I needed to raid once in a while, I was very conservative – this, for me, meant putting it into a retirement savings plan that also gave me a tax break. When I’d accumulated a bit more, I got a financial advisor associated with a large reputable company – actually, it was second or third try before I settled on one. It is really easy to find people who offer financial advice who aren’t that good at doing so, or worse. I have a friend who does all his own investing, but he took a course or two (again, from a reputable source, a local university’s outreach/evening program I think) on the basics, and did a LOT of study on his own. I know I don’t have the knowledge or skills to manage my investments on my own, and am not willing to try to acquire it. The only times I got extra income streams, I did so in the traditional way by taking on part-time work related to that of a field I had once worked in full time. I do strongly recommend budgeting, which you have started. It’s very useful to know how much you spend on what.

    3. Should I apply*

      For investing, if you like to watch or listen for advice I recommend The Money Guy Show on Youtube or Jill on Money if you like Podcasts. Both are very practical and don’t try to sell you on the latest trend. For books, I recommend “The simple path to wealth”

    4. PX*

      Usually the first piece of the puzzle around extra income streams is based around 2 things: what do you enjoy doing (and can you monetize it) or what are you good at doing (and can you monetize it). Note “enjoy” and “good at” are not the same. If you dont have anything that fits either criteria, then simply looking for jobs you can do part time or in the free time you have is probably your best bet.

      Re: investing, as others have already said, you really shouldnt think of investing as an extra income stream if all you are really trying to do is plan for the long term future. Thats just part of financial budgeting and trying to prepare effectively for retirement. If that’s your goal, you are better off looking into personal finance books/blogs/advice websites and thinking about things like ensuring you are making the most of your pensions, taxes, budgets, savings etc.
      Perhaps a controversial place to start, but Reddit has a fairly active personal finance subreddit with a very extensive Wiki (ie links and primers for beginners). If nothing else, you can start by reading all the resources there and starting to get your head around the topic. But as with many things on the internet, I often advise trying to get as much information from different sources as possible before deciding on a plan of action.

    5. lemon meringue*

      I’ve done a little freelance writing and editing. For freelance writing, this is perhaps obvious but you’ll want to decide what type of writing you’d like to do (short fiction? humour pieces? opinion pieces? researched articles?) and really research the market. There is a ton of information available online but it’ll be most helpful if you really narrow the scope of what you want to do and research accordingly. It’s most difficult when you first start out and don’t have any published material yet, so it’s often helpful to research publications that are willing to accept work by unpublished writers. Sadly, it’s pretty much always true that the supply of talented writers exceeds the demand, so it’s helpful to carve out a bit of a niche for yourself so that you have something to offer that others don’t. What kind of writing are you uniquely qualified to do?

      Also, there is the boring and bureaucratic side. This will depend on where you live, but you may need to set up a business license to operate as a small business in your area, even if you’re just working as a freelancer. You’ll want to figure out how to set up invoices. Check what the threshold income is before you need to pay sales tax. And keep all of your documentation in order so you can report the income.

      Best of luck!

    6. Generic Name*

      If you’re wanting to open an investment account, consider having one to save for retirement and one as a “cash management account”. I have a CMA, and it’s come in really handy a couple of times when I’ve needed cash for down payments on stuff.

  52. Mstr*

    I think the idea “multiple income streams” and especially multiple income streams that you can just set up and profit from without further work is a huge, popular fad that everyone is trying to sell us on. However, the reality is that it’s not that easy to do or to do while properly protecting yourself as a small business owner. As you embark on this watch out for MLMs or people selling you their get rich quick schemes — there are a million people selling “How to Get Rich Using Fiverr” e-books who are making all their money from the e-book and nothing from using Fiverr, for example.

    Also, investing? What do you mean by investing? Like buying bitcoin? I think “investing” without the proper finance education and minimizing risk is gambling, though perhaps this is an unpopular opinion.

    1. CopperPenny*

      I should probably use a different term. I agree that term is filled the mlms. I would not dare use that phrase on Facebook. Unfortunately work at home mom is another one filled with scam. It has to pass both mine and my husbands sniff test. When in doubt we don’t bite I’m aware anyone selling an ebook of how to make money quick with blank is making money from the book not the blank. Really I want to know if anyone knows of non scam ideas. I have an hour or two a day that I can really put in the work on something

      Do you have suggestions on how to get finance education? I am thinking of dividend stock and index funds. I’m looking for long term payoffs better than just letting the money sit. I plan on only investing money we can afford to lose.

      1. fposte*

        The Index Card is a good book for that. Dividends aren’t actually that great, since they’re just taking money out for you but taxing less advantageously; they were more of a thing before the internet and immediate share sales and free transactions. I also like bogleheads dot org, and if your situation is U.S. citizen living abroad there will be people sharp about the financial implications of that arrangement.

        1. ronda*

          It isn’t that dividends are not great….. it is that they are less tax-efficient in taxable accounts.
          It is actually great that a company is making enough money to run the business and send $ back to shareholders.
          Dividends are taxed in the year that they are paid, but gains in the stock price are taxed when you sell the stock, so you can delay it for a long time. If they are qualified dividends, they are taxed at the same rate as capital gains, which is 0% up to a certain income level, then less than the regular tax rate.
          here is the page from bogleheads with their current recommendation on tax efficient placement (retirement account investment income is not taxed in current year, so you put less tax efficient in there)
          https://www.bogleheads.org/wiki/Tax-efficient_fund_placement

          This is a investment portfolio that is often recommended on Bogleheads:
          https://www.bogleheads.org/wiki/Three-fund_portfolio

          1. fposte*

            But $50 of dividends is taxed on $50. $50 sale is taxed only on the gains, not on the full amount.

            There are good companies and bad companies that generate dividends, and also that don’t. It’s not a good plan to prioritize dividend-generating assets over total return; it’s letting the tail wag the dog, and it slows the dog down.

            1. fposte*

              I should clarify I don’t avoid dividend assets either, but the OP seemed to be considering them advantageous, and I was clarifying why they’re not.

      2. Mstr*

        I think the advice to look into an IRA for yourself and read books on investing is sound.

        I’ve done some freelance writing, so I could better speak to that. I recommend reading everything at the small business association website (sba.gov) and visiting the “Small Business and Self-Employed Tax Center” at irs.gov. Then finding clients.

  53. It's Quarantime!*

    Alright, this first paragraph is context. Second paragraph is the question. :)
    2021 has kicked my trash. I have never been this broken before. Ever. Several emergency vet visits in January for my elderly cat and ongoing stress over his deteriorating condition. My positive covid test in mid-February had me bed-bound for weeks. Post-covid symptoms of fatigue, tinnitus, brain fog, short term memory issues, gastrointestinal problems, etc started manifesting in March. April took my beloved 20 year old cat across the rainbow bridge leaving me so non-functional that my family had to come scoop me out of my house to live in my parents’ guest room for a month so they could make sure I was eating. (The very room where I watched my Grandma die this past October.) I’m back in my own place, very alone, trying desperately to regain some sense of normalcy. I’ve been working full time from home (and my parents’ house) throughout most of the chaos. And now I’m staring down the eventual need to sell my condo and relocate. (Not urgent, but it was always my plan to get a new place once my kitty passed. But I’m having a hard time accepting the idea of leaving behind the places where we lived and loved each other.) I have an appointment later this month with a specialist at a post covid clinic. I’m hoping they’ll be able to help me get a handle on all the new (hopefully temporary) mental and physical limitations.

    My Question Is: If you have found yourself suddenly unable to do the things you used to do, whether due to physical, mental, or emotional limitations, how did you cope with the frustration? What methods did you use to adapt? Did you just “accept” this New Normal or did you proactively work toward overcoming and returning to your previous capabilities?

    1. J.B.*

      I am so sorry for everything, and hope that the post COVID clinic can give you some relief. I’ve had a brutal year in everything but health. I have anxiety and when yet.another.thing happens my lizard brain revs up. A therapist once told me that it is hard physical work and of course I’m exhausted after. Taking the time to check out and accept that I will get both done for a while speeds the return to normal. Triage. Moving can wait so it’s not time to tackle (plus the market is inSANE). Best wishes!

      2. ampersand*

        I so relate to this. I’ve spent a year in what feels like fight or flight mode (plus got a new job, plus bought a new house and sold the old one) and now that things are settling down my brain is like, okay, time for all the feelings! Let’s have a breakdown!

        I don’t want anyone to feel this way—it sucks—but also glad to know it’s not just me.

    2. Laura H.*

      Ok. For the now, do what you can. Try not to focus on what you can’t do, and don’t push yourself as you start this. Do what you can. Grief is hard; loss of a pet and loss of oneself certainly are worth grieving. Be gentle with yourself.

      All the air hugs.

      1. It's Quarantime!*

        Thank you.
        I’ll try to be gentle with myself.
        I am so limited by my brain fog and fatigue that even previously simple activities are too much for my poor brain and suddenly I find myself mid-meltdown with no clear idea how I got there.
        It’s so disheartening.

    3. Mstr*

      I recommend first giving yourself a break if you can, like a staycation where you just do what you want & try to relax & have fun (potentially reading some books you loved as a child or trying a new & easy hobby, etc). After that make a plan to ease back into things within your doctor’s guidelines (if there are ways to build towards improvement other than waiting for time to heal or to adjust to new circumstances). Try to be really kind to yourself & to find joy wherever you can.

      1. It's Quarantime!*

        Thank you.
        You’re right, I do need to reset and start with something much simpler than I’ve been trying.
        I remember being so much more capable and independent than I am right now, and I feel so inadequate.

    4. WS*

      You’ve been through a hell of a lot, so I would recommend aiming to get back to functioning normally before adding something major like moving. Give your poor body and mind a break! If you’re keeping your job, feeding yourself, keeping your house clean enough (not tidy!) and paying your bills, that’s a fantastic level of function to later build on.

      1. It's Quarantime!*

        Thank you.
        I’m sortof doing most of those things… :) Thank you for the vote of confidence.
        Maybe I’ll look into getting some help with housekeeping.

      2. Jyn’Leeviyah the Red*

        Absolutely — hiring a cleaner for the house took off a HUGE amount of stress for me, which in turn benefits my chronic pain. She comes every other week and it’s just beautiful to behold when she’s done.

        I also recommend some reading/journaling, if that’s your thing. One book that taught me so much was Taming Your Gremlin. It’s a little woo-woo, and I don’t use all of it, but by George, it’s helped me to see things in such different ways now!

        It’s hard — every day I figure out a little more — and I get cranky that I can’t do what I used to. Learning to let go was a really hard part for me, and it’s still a work in progress! Lean on people who want to help; it can truly be a gift to others as it is to receive. You’ll figure out what you truly miss and need to modify, and what you can let go of. Be gentle with yourself — there’s no manual for this!

    5. Not So NewReader*

      When my husband passed, I realized to keep my house meant I had to work on myself mentally, physically and financially because these three things are all involved in keeping a house. I think financial explains itself. Physical was a combo of my lack of maintenance knowledge (a humbling and time-consuming void); my ability to get out of crying asap and get on with dealing with a problem; and my ability to physically do the work. Mentally, it was a contest not to let my emotions get in the way of life and it was a real challenge to think about things that I had no or low orientation to the subject.

      I am here to attest to the fact that a half-baked attempt will help you gain some ground. This involves some compromises. I can learn to run the tractor but I am not willing to learn to climb a tree to prune it or take down a dangerous limb. Accepting my limitations was a huge relief. I walked outside one day and found shingles all over the ground. I almost cried when I decided to get help, I was that relieved about letting myself off the hook to climb up on the roof and fix it. (I might have been able to fix it except for the part of needing both hands to hang on at that height.)
      Some times solutions look more like a patch-work quilt than text book stuff. We grab solutions on the fly and this is disconcerting because it’s nicer to have a plan for every. single. thing. If we try, people are more apt to be able to help us. They can’t help us if we don’t try.

      Punchline: I also see that while I was able to make a go of it for now, this will not always be this way. At some point I will be too old and too tired to do this. I am seeing now that in some ways, downsizing might actually be a relief. It’s been helpful to think of my elders as they downsized and think about the relief they expressed at those times.

      One thing that has been very helpful in my life is to build on-going relationships with the people I do business with. This includes my doctor, the plumber, the carpenter, the oil company, the car place and so on. I picked people who know their stuff and I keep going back to them. They know my setting, I do not have to waste huge amounts of time explaining, I do not have to spend tons of money on their learning curve- they already know the sticking points. Solutions come up faster.
      For now, I have excellent support where I am at. This combined with the patch-work quilt of solutions means I can stay put for a bit.
      I do believe that “to everything there is a season” if we are lucky we get to have x or y for a period of time in our lives but to expect it to go on forever is not realistic. It’s okay to cry when x or y stops. And it’s okay to expect the new chapter in life to offer something we never had before. It’s okay to expect and look for good things to happen in spite of making difficult decisions.

      1. It's Quarantime!*

        Thank you.
        I’m so sorry for your loss, and grateful that you took the time to share your experience.
        I’m so sad that my season of my kitty is over. I’m so tired of being sick and so sick of being tired. I will be grateful for a new season, once I’m ready for it.

    6. Anona*

      I’ve had a similar 2021, and got mental health meds for the first time. I didn’t have a psychiatrist, so I got them from my obgyn. No regrets, best decision. I’m not sure why it took me so long. My specific meds are for anti anxiety and have helped me get more consistent sleep, but I’ve also considered depression meds.

      My obgyn said that she’s seeing a lot of people needing meds this year, as their reserves are just zapped .

      1. It's Quarantime!*

        Thank you.
        I’m sorry you have been having such a hard time. I’m glad you were able to find something to help you cope.
        I can definitely believe that lots of us are needing support lately.

      1. It's Quarantime!*

        I hope so. Because reasons, I haven’t been eligible for the vaccine yet, but towards the end of this month I will be. (I was only two weeks away from being able to get the vaccine when Itested positive! :( it’s so frustrating.) I plan to talk with the specialist at the post-covid clinic to strategically schedule the jabs.

    8. Miss Bella Beautiful*

      Your post last week was so very helpful to me, so thank you. I am sorry you have had all of this going on. I don’t really have any suggestions for you, but I am thinking of you and rooting for you!

      1. It's Quarantime!*

        Thank you, Miss Bella. I’ve been thinking of you this week. I know it’s been hard, facing all the “firsts” and finding your love’s things in unexpected places. It’s big, and rough, and it seems eternal. It won’t be forever though. I’m two months out, and I would give nearly anything to just hold my kitty and kiss his forehead one more time, but even now I can feel the raw edges beginning to soften. I have hope that one day remembering his face will make me smile, rather than cry.
        One way I was able to help make meaning in the passing of my kitty was to donate his remaining medicines to the local humane society. Knowing they would be able to help other cats was a very small comfort in my grief.

    9. Tib*

      Ive often heard that you shouldn’t make any big decisions for at least a year after a death of a loved one. They tend to mean a human loved one, but I think pets count too. Especially with the year you’ve had.

      If you’re not able to do the things on your list, then change your list to include what you’re able to do. When I had a newborn, I was lucky to get a shower, never mind all the things I hoped to accomplish in a day. I felt much better when I added ‘take a shower’ and ‘keep a tiny human alive’ to my list and eliminated the things that just weren’t possible right then. I got back to them eventually, but acknowledging they weren’t doable then was freeing. If all you’re able to do right now is aimlessly watch YouTube videos, then seriously, put that on the list. Maybe later you can work your way up to watching YouTube with a purpose and then even screen-free activities, but right now, give yourself permission to do what you’re doing. And recognize the automatic or unavoidable things you’re doing like going to work, or caring for an infant.

      I think one thing that’s really missing from modern Western culture is rituals around grieving and loss. We’re no longer constrained by the old mourning customs, but we’re not guided by them either. I also like that Jewish holidays include time for remembering those who are gone. So make up your own traditions. Give yourself a month of mourning and see how you feel. Make a memory space for your loved ones. Make a photo album that you can look through whenever you want. Put a box on the floor for your cat’s spirit to sit in. Pick a day on the calendar to toast the ones who are gone. Whatever works for you. As you feel better you’ll be able to move these things and activities to a less prominent place in your life.

      I think the same goes for your health. It’s ok to be sick or not fully recovered. The world isn’t fully recovered. Definitely see doctors and work towards recovery, but remember that you’re still sick with a disease that didn’t exist 2 years ago. It’s ok to still be figuring this out.

      I also second all the mental health support ideas: meds, outside time every day, regular physical activity, good sleep habits, etc.

      1. It's Quarantime!*

        Thank you.
        You’re right, I need a new list.
        Your advice on grieving is apt and kind. I’ll ponder how best to honor my kitty’s memory. ‍⬛

        I’ve been so arrogantly able bodied my entire life. I’ve reveled in the quick connections of my mind and the effortless access of memory and language. I feel betrayed by my body and mind’s current limitations, and so silly because I’m only truly limited in comparison to my previous capabilities. I have been assured by several family members that many people live quite happily at my current levels of ‘can’. It’s in the comparison to what I could do that the frustration builds.

    10. VI Guy*

      I don’t know if this perspective will be helpful, but it gives me perspective:
      Years ago I heard a show about terminal illness, and how we should all determine what is most important to us in life so that we know when we are still enjoying it. The idea was that family of someone sick should know what brings them joy, so that they will know when their family member is ready to go. For someone it was eating ice cream, so when he needed a feeding tube to eat then the family declined. For someone it was walking, so when she was stuck in a wheelchair then they would take her out for walks. My suggestion is to figure out the basics of what brings some joy, and focus on those bits. For me it has been my garden, and just sitting out there today in the dreaded summer heat brought me calm and relaxation.

      I also want to mention a friend who had a rough time a few years ago due to a health condition. Not covid obviously based on timing, but a lot of problems throughout their body caused by one thing initially. And it was really hard for about a year. And then little things started to show improvement. It was hard work, as they spent time with doctors for physical and mental things, and the friend was exhausted and questioned if things would ever get better.

      Based on that experience, think about where you are now, and where you were a month ago. Perhaps more importantly, see where you are in a month, and then six months, and then a year. Some months will be harder than others, but there will be small improvements. Do the work to get healthier, so don’t give up, yet don’t punish yourself when you need a break.

      I think you can accept the new normal and also work toward improving things, maybe not to where they were before but also better in some ways. My friend lost some skills during the illness (ones that they used to enjoy but couldn’t continue for a time and never picked up again), yet picked up new ones that they prefer. They learned a lot about themselves, and how strong they are, and have more happiness with themselves.

      I have a disability and find it difficult because I can’t drive and therefore I miss out on a lot of things. I am often told that it isn’t about where you are, but how far you have come. I am still frustrated by that gap and I would take normal vision immediately if given the choice, because driving is so useful, yet I can appreciate that the visual disability has given me other strengths.

      Good luck.

      1. It's Quarantime!*

        Thank you so much.
        After so recently having to do the Quality of Life evaluation for my beloved kitty I’m surprised that it didn’t occur to me to think about my own life’s pleasures.
        I’ll do my best to be both realistic and optimistic and I’ll try to trust my friends/family when they tell me I am making progress, even if I don’t see it myself.
        Thank you for sharing your experiences. I hope things continue to improve for you and your friend.

    11. YouwantmetodoWHAT?! *

      2020 was horrible for me. I lost 2 siblings, one to covid, our beloved pet died, some family members lost everything to a fire, numerous extended friends died, and on and on.
      A few months ago I finally told my doctor that I needed help. He put me on lexapro and it has done absolute wonders. I’m enjoying life, and not just staring at walls.
      Good luck to you.

      1. It's Quarantime!*

        I’m so sorry for all your losses, and I’m glad that you’ve found something that helps. I hope it continues to work well for you.
        I knew I was having a hard time and that more trauma was imminent so I asked my doc for help too. I was put on citalopram (celexa) about a week before my beloved kitty died, and I had to stop taking it almost immediately because the tinnitus started 3 days after I started it.
        Apparently it’s a very rare side effect of ssri’s, but it’s possible that the ringing in my ears that hasn’t stopped for nearly 3 months now is an artifact of my short interaction with anxiety meds…

  54. Seeking Second Childhood*

    Thanks to whoever it was in this list suggested ‘The Wizard’s Guide to Defensive Baking”… we got it, loved it, and I am wearing a goofy grin because it just won at the Nebulas: The ANDRE NORTON NEBULA AWARD FOR MIDDLE GRADE AND YOUNG ADULT FICTION.
    So…what’s the next charmer you have to suggest?

    1. Dark Macadamia*

      I haven’t read that one so I’m not sure how similar it actually would be, but this post has big “The House in the Cerulean Sea” vibes lol

    2. GoryDetails*

      Don’t know if it was my recommendation you saw or someone else’s, but I’m glad you enjoyed the book – and delighted to hear of its Nebula win!

      Other T. Kingfisher books I’ve enjoyed include Minor Mage (young boy has to go on a quest to restore rain to his village, despite having only a couple of very low-level spells at his command – but he does have an armadillo as his familiar) and Bryony and Roses (a re-imagining of “Beauty and the Beast” with a strong love-of-gardening bent).

      1. Should I apply*

        I really enjoy all of T. Kingfisher’s books. If you don’t mind that one that is a bit more adult, I really liked Paladin’s Grace.

    4. Pam Adams*

      Going for other award winners- try Martha Wells’ Murderbot series- start with All Systems Red. (Network Effect won the Nebula for Best Novel)

      “I could have become a mass murderer after I hacked my governor module, but then I realized I could access the combined feed of entertainment channels carried on the company satellites. It had been well over 35,000 hours or so since then, with still not much murdering, but probably, I don’t know, a little under 35,000 hours of movies, serials, books, plays, and music consumed. As a heartless killing machine, I was a terrible failure.”

    5. TiffIf*

      If you like fantasy (though I would say it is more on the edge of Young Adult/Adult age group-does have sex and violence but not overly graphic) you may like the series A Chorus of Dragons by Jenn Lyons. I just finished the fourth book (book 5 is due out next year). I have really really enjoyed the series so far. If you’re familiar with Brandon Sanderson it reminds me of some of his plot twists and “there’s always another secret” deep plotting. Just as a mild example–the Hero is trying to stop the Villain from starting the Apocalypse but in stopping the Villain, may have accidentally started the Apocalypse.

      1. TiffIf*

        Also recently finished reading and greatly enjoyed Naomi Novik’s A Deadly Education the first book in the Scholomance series.

  55. Susie*

    I’d love some thoughts on how to support long distance friends who are going through health stuff.
    One friend I text with frequently. I noticed she wasn’t texting back as much or reaching out as often, but didn’t think much of it—turns out she was pretty sick with a nasty stomach bug that lasted weeks. She has super bad anxiety so her mind was going really scary places.
    Another close friend who lives in a different country has a degenerative condition and recently had a flare up. She did tell me when we spoke recently and was feeling better. But she relapsed the week after we spoke.
    I feel terrible I can’t be there to support either friend. Both are a plane ride away. Both have great partners, but both partners are unavailable in some way to be truly supportive (like due to intense working hours)

    How do I support my friends from afar when they are sick? If you’ve been the sick friend, what have long distance friends done to help you?

    1. It's Quarantime!*

      Regular contact.
      Texting them a meme you thought they’d enjoy, calling them to just listen (and leaving a message if they don’t answer), send them actual mail whether a pretty card or just a letter telling them that they are important in your life. If you know of a favorite treat (and they are well enough to enjoy it) or a puzzle or simple game that might help distract them you can look into having it delivered to them.
      Sooner or later they’ll get to a place where they are able to reach back out to you and they’ll appreciate knowing that you’re there for them. They won’t have to worry that they’ve upset you with their silence.

    2. D3*

      Regular checkins, food delivery, if you’re close enough, you can afford it, and you know it would be welcome, maid service. I did that for my sister when she was bedridden with hyperemesis a couple years ago, because she didn’t have the energy to clean and the dirty house made it worse.

    3. Tib*

      I second the meme idea, because something like that can be a quick shorthand for saying you’re thinking of them. I text a friend pictures of ugly garden ornaments because it’s an inside joke with us. I don’t expect a response but it’s easy enough for her to like it when she’s looking at it. I can snap pictures when I’m running errands and save them in an album on my phone.

      Also look into Marco Polo and Voxer. Marco Polo is like video voicemail and Voxer is voice and text. They work great for communicating across time zones.

  56. Mosquito bites*

    Favorite mosquito bite remedies/soothers? I was in an outdoor wedding today and am now more bite than person…

    1. Tortally HareBrained*

      Benadryl at night to help you sleep. Cortisone cream on the bites. I also find I do better if I keep my skin really hydrated (so drink water and apply lotion). Mostly though you have my sympathy as I work in a wetland and feel like it’s been raining for weeks plus I got into chiggers this week as well. I wish you a quick end to the itching.

    2. It's Quarantime!*

      So…. I’ve never tried it, but my mom’s mosquito bites turn into huge welts that she eventually scratches open and then they are bleeding sores.
      In desperation recently she tried some of a cbd balm sample that she had lying around.
      She said it stopped itching immediately and never swelled any bigger than it had already gotten.

    3. Ins mom*

      Accent food tenderizer/mono sodium glutamate. Make a paste and spot it on. Takes the itch right out

    4. HannahS*

      For next time, my favourite is the original Afterbite–the one with ammonia. I find that I have to use it before the puncture from the bug fully closes; if applying it doesn’t sting, then it’s too late. But it’s the only thing I’ve found that really works for me–I’m someone who develops huge welts, so it’s a great tool. Failing that I find that taking an over-the-counter anti-histamine works wonders.

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        I have used Afterbite during the day and benadryl at night, which has helped. An even better combo for me has been the benadryl at night and the neosporin first aid disinfectant cream that has a pain-numbing agent in it. You may not need a disinfectant for your bites, but the cream is fantastic with the numbing stuff in it for stopping itchiness.

    6. allathian*

      Aloe vera gel or spray works well for me to stop the itch most of the time. If it doesn’t, an OTC antihistamine will do the trick. We have those at home anyway because everyone in our house has issues with birch pollen.

    7. SpellingBee*

      Ditto antihistamine and Afterbite, both as soon as possible after being bitten. For mosquito bites and fire ant bites (always a hazard for gardeners here in the southeast!) both, my favorite method to stop the maddening itch is heat. Dampen a washcloth and heat it in the microwave for maybe a minute – you want it hot enough to be a little uncomfortable, but not burn you. Hold it on the bites for 30 seconds to a minute. The itching will intensify at first, then fade away; the effect lasts for several hours. It’s the only thing I’ve found that lasts any length of time, especially on ant bites. You have my sympathy! I’m a mosquito magnet and always get bitten.

      1. Mosquito bites*

        Oooh, I’ll have to try that. I was putting a cold washcloth on them last night, which felt good but I couldn’t tell if it was actually doing much.

        1. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

          Water in general-swimming pools, showers, or just squirting yourself with a spray bottle, helps a lot with itchiness temporarily. It doesn’t do a thing for the actual problem, but it does give your nerves something else to tell your brain about.

    8. comityoferrors*

      We don’t get a lot of mosquitos here, but my favorite remedy for painful itchy bug bites in general is witchhazel. You just pour a little on a cloth, dab it around the bite where you see redness, and then press it into the bite for 30 seconds (or as long as you want to). I have no idea why it helps, but it’s always been really effective for me.

    9. Reba*

      Don’t forget that oral antihistamines can help too! I feel like most people don’t think about the pills we associate with hay fever for mosquito bites, but they are effective.

      Anecdotally, I am one of those people who are extra tasty to the blood-suckers, and I sometimes take a claritin prophylactically if I think I’m likely to be bitten a bunch, and I think I get less swelling.

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        Same, claritin for daytime works for me. I take the 12-hour dose rather than the 24-hour kind because otherwise it keeps me awake at night. Benadryl is for nighttime.

    10. Mephyle*

      If you don’t have medication handy, heat can help. I don’t remember the details of why it works (no doubt someone who knows can make sense of my scrambled explanation and tell the true story) but it either attracts or disperses the histamines or antihistamines in the itchy area, and gives relief for several hours.
      What I do is pour hot water (or a hot drink) into a mug and hold it against the itch for a few seconds. It should be as hot as you can stand without the risk of burning yourself. Works like a charm.

  57. Jyn’Leeviyah the Red*

    As I’ve neared 40, I’ve developed restless leg syndrome and I feel like I’m losing my MIND at night. I’m currently downstairs with the AC blasting and ice packs all over my legs because it’s the only way I can get the “spiders in my legs” feeling to calm down (without turning my bedroom into a meat locker and my husband into a popsicle). Anyone have any tricks/tips/remedies? I’ve been hesitant to get meds for various reasons but at this point am open to any suggestions!

    1. Lizzie*

      Well magnesium seems to be a very common remedy for restless legs, but it does take about 6 weeks to work! I take it, and regularly start missing some, and then just forgetting it altogether, and then notice the fidgets especially in bed and think – I have forgotten to keep taking it! So I can’t suggest it helps memory as well, haha.
      Just the supermarket/ health food shop stuff, you don’t need a prescription. Have a read of the following sort of thing, and there is a restless legs foundation as well, and see whether it might suit your own situation and general health issues. You can also increase the magnesium in your diet with loads of leafy greens and dark chocolate and so on, that might suit you better.
      https://www.healthline.com/health/restless-leg-syndrome/link-between-magnesium-and-rls
      https://restlesslegssyndrome.sleep-disorders.net/clinical/magnesium

    2. WS*

      I developed this some years ago and it’s always coming and going. You need to be checked for low iron, calcium, magnesium and zinc, you need to get into electrolyte replacement solution before bed. Even if your levels are okay, magnesium supplements can help. Get your thyroid checked if you haven’t already – being hyperthyroid can cause it, but also the transition from hypothyroid to normal can set it off and that’s what started it for me. There are stronger medications used in severe cases but I haven’t had to try those.

    3. Skeeder Jones*

      Restless legs are awful. It’s hard to make other people understand how much it affects you. I describe it like an anxiety attack in my legs but your “spider legs” is also very descriptive.

      I second the magnesium as a helpful remedy and I also get RLS when my iron is low so regulating that can be important. I don’t know of many non-medication/non-nutritional supplement solution that really gave me any relief other than a hot bath.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      A hard yes, to the suggestions of various minerals. While you sort this, I’d suggest a drink with electrolytes in it. Of late, I have been liking Propel flavored waters. You don’t need a ton of this stuff and definitely go slowly here. Start with one bottle (small bottle) and see how that goes. It should work like a bell curve- where you increase to two or so then after a bit start tapering down. Too many minerals can make a person sleepy- if you start feeling sleepy, taper back. This is a temporary solution while you sort your real response to this.

      You can also make your own electrolyte drink with 1/4 teaspoon each of sea salt, baking soda and sugar. Don’t do what I did and skip the sugar because it’s necessary in the mix. Mix this into a quart of water- I use mason jars.

      1. Jyn’Leeviyah the Red*

        Thank you all! Going to get a magnesium supplement today — my iron levels are indeed low (lifelong struggle + vegetarian, so I supplement) and I should probably get those levels checked again, too. Thanks for the electrolyte advice — going to look into that, too! Honestly, it’s just comforting to know I’m not alone. It’s a rotten feeling!

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Iron testing is one of the first things they do when people come into my medical system with restless leg issues :)

    6. Tib*

      I second using a roller to calm the muscles, but I use a handheld roller. It’s basically a stick with handles and it has a foam cover with bumps to massage the muscles. Be sure to roll all the leg muscles, not just the ones that feel twitchy. My hamstrings are usually the ones I can feel, but rolling didn’t really work for me until I started rolling my quads and calf muscles as well. I also use a warm rice pack to drop over my hamstrings as I fall asleep.

      I’ve also found that I can often avoid a restless leg session if I got to bed right when I’m tired. If my legs are keeping me awake, it helps to get up and go somewhere else to work on my legs and then come back to bed to try and sleep. Treat it like insomnia and develop a good bedtime routine and all the other good sleep habits.

    7. anyjennywaynest*

      A weighted blanket, just on my feet and lower legs, worked like a miracle for me.

      1. voluptuousfire*

        +1. I sometimes toss and turn a lot in bed and it leads to a restless leg-type feeling. Stretching my legs helps. I keep a yoga strap under my bed and while I’m laying down, I raise my leg so that my foot is parallel to the ceiling and wrap the strap around the ball of my foot and the ends are in my hands. I pull on the strap and it helps stretch my calf muscles, hamstrings, and hips.

        I also bought a weighted blanket a few months ago but didn’t use it until the other night when I was tossing and turning. I had gotten up at 3 am to pee and couldn’t get back to sleep, so I took some melatonin at 4 and brought out the blanket and it helped put me down. I didn’t sleep as well as I would have preferred, but the night before I had done the same and tossed and turned from 4 to 8 am. At least this time I did get some restful sleep with the weighted blanket on my legs.

    8. Should I apply*

      I know this isn’t probably what you want to hear, but I got medication (ropinrole) for my restless leg syndrome and it completely stopped the symptoms. For me the only side effect is the medication makes me sleepy after I take it, but since I take it about 1 hr before bed it’s actually a benefit. My doctor also recommended OTC potassium and B12 supplements, but that was after they checked my blood levels for what was low.

      1. Jyn’Leeviyah the Red*

        Totally open to medication as a possibility! I’ve reached the point where all options are on the table. I’m so happy you’ve found something that works for you! I’m going to make an appt with my PCP for some bloodwork, anyway, so it’s good to hear about many options.

    9. Unkempt Flatware*

      I’m following because since I was a kid, I have gotten “jimmy legs” at night while relaxing on the couch. It happens when I’m tired but not wanting to go to sleep. Always wondered if it was the same thing. I don’t get it in bed. It’s called the jimmies in my house and I’m the only one who gets them.

    10. Bethlam*

      Prior to my first knee replacement surgery, my husband picked up several used stationary bicycles at flea markets/auction for my rehab. A stationary bike is THE absolute best thing for knee rehab, but I also found another use!

      After my first surgery, I started to get cramps in my thighs. I discovered that pedaling for 20 minutes as part of my knee rehab also made the leg cramps go away! So I thought, hmmmm. And yes, it also helps with my restless legs! If I can tell they’re going to be bad as I’m getting ready for bed, I hop on a bike and pedal for 15-20 minutes. Otherwise, you may find me on one at 2 or 3 in the morning.

      Caveat: My restless legs aren’t as bad as they were because I also started taking a low dose of Gabapentin. My mom was on that for restless legs and it helped her tremendously, so I asked my doctor about it and he agreed that it might be good to try it. And it’s also helped tremendously.

      I also have reduced my caffeine intake and increased my water – I never used to drink water AT ALL, so just 8-16 ounces was a big increase, but I do try to drink more than that, especially in summer.

    11. Pay No Attention To The Man Behind The Curtain*

      Do you take any new medications, even over the counter, that might be causing it? Antacids can cause restless leg syndrome. If a nutrient deficiency isn’t the cause, then something else might be triggering it.

      1. Jyn’Leeviyah the Red*

        You know, that’s so interesting that you say that about antacids! I have been relying on them more recently. Thanks for that tip!

        1. Pay No Attention To The Man Behind The Curtain*

          You could try taking a different antacid and see if it makes a difference. I had terrible restless legs on a prescription strength of Nexium/esomeprazole, but have no issues with OTC Pepcid/famotidine.

          1. fposte*

            It might also be worthwhile jiggering the dose timing. I had terrible RLS from a thyroid antagonist once and I shifted the timing to earlier in the day, which helped a lot.

    12. Might Be Spam*

      Light compression seems to trick my brain into calming the twitches. For me, the best spots are above or below my knees, or around my ankle. I use elastic bandaging (like for a sprained ankle) lightly wrapped around the spot that seems the most twitchy. It doesn’t need to be very tight, just enough to stay in place.
      On a bad night I take a longer one and wrap it around my foot and criss-cross around my leg up to above my knee.

      You could cut the feet off a pair of socks and pull them over the problem spots to provide some light pressure.

      Also consider any night-time medication you take. If I take Benadryl at night my legs get super twitchy.

    13. Chaordic One*

      This is something that I went through when I was about your age. I don’t know why it happened or why it stopped. I do think it probably had to do with my living in a ground floor apartment with a slab foundation and working in an office with concrete floors and having cold feet. Sometimes being dehydrated made the situation worse.

      Two over-the-counter things that helped a bit were “Magnilife Leg & Back Pain Relief” pills, which are a homeopathic remedy containing magnesium. (Unfortunately, for me, it contained other ingredients that aggravated my food allergies so I wouldn’t use it again, but it seemed to work with the restless legs syndrome and I think it is worth a try).

      Also, “Mycocide Hip to Toe HT Foot Pain Relief Cream. The main ingredient in the cream seems to be menthol and I would rub it onto my calves and below my ankles and around the arches of my feet where the situation seemed worse.

      1. Jyn’Leeviyah the Red*

        Oh, that sounds wonderful. I’ll try it.

        Thanks so so much for the recommendations, everyone! You’re rock stars!

  58. nnn*

    Post your cookie butter food pairing recommendations here!

    I’ve just acquired cookie butter for the first time in my life through a serendipitous grocery substitution, and now I’m seeing how it pairs with different foods. Any delicious or interesting combinations I should try?

      1. twocents*

        Like peanut butter, but with cookies. I honestly can’t buy it because it’s too good to just eat right out of the container.

        To nnn: Anything you like peanut butter on (sandwiches, celery, apples, etc.), you can use cookie butter.

      2. PollyQ*

        It turns out that if you blend the heck out of most cookies, you don’t get crumbs, you get a paste, due to their high butter/fat content.

    2. mreasy*

      Honestly cookie butter pairs well with a spoon and my mouth, when I have any of it. But if you want to be more civilized – ice cream, apple slices, or strawberries are my faves.

    4. matcha123*

      Cookie butter isn’t a thing where I am, but some stores do sell Biscoff spread, which I think is basically the same thing. I toast bread or English muffins with butter and then spread the crunchy (not smooth) Biscoff over it and allow the delicious sweetness to slowly clog my arteries.

      1. The New Wanderer*

        I thought cookie butter was the same as Biscoff spread, or one that uses speculoos cookies? If there’s a different kind I will have to hunt that down!

        I also love it on freshly toasted English muffins, so good.

    5. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I’m told it makes good milkshakes, though I haven’t tried that myself. Personally I think I’d put it on waffles :)

  59. Potatoes gonna potate*

    Greeting cards! Do people still send/give them? I love to give cards to friends and family but it seems to be very rare now even though the stands at most stores are filled with cards. In the before-times I could spend hours going through cards and reading them and thinking “oh, this reminds me of this person, I’ll send them this for this occasion!”

    Something funny with that happened – I saw a card 6 months ago that was perfect for my SIL’s birthday so I bought it. I was at the store earlier this week and remembered to pick up a card for her. I go home and…it’s the same one! lol. luckily I was able to return the duplicate.

    1. Enough*

      I sent my daughter the same birthday card 2 years in a row. Unfortunately cards don’t seem to be as popular. I send cards to my kids. Sent out Christmas cards. And always cards and/or notes when there is a death.

    2. Valancy Snaith*

      I still give and receive cards for birthdays, holidays, etc., and got plenty of sympathy cards when my mom died. Although hilariously, my parents sent my husband and I the same Easter card THREE YEARS in a row. We chalked it up to the fact that there is not a great selection of “Happy Easter, daughter and son-in-law” cards and they just really liked that particular one!

      Etsy has fabulous, very specific cards as well, which is hugely enjoyable.

    3. Bluebell*

      I love browsing greeting cards, and during quarantine I bought a lot from Etsy. I was in a store with greeting cards last week – my first time in over a year. I bought all sorts of cards and really enjoyed it. My husband bought me the same cute Mother’s Day card two years in a row, but I still appreciated it.

    4. WellRed*

      In my very small immediate family we exchange funny cards on Christmas even though we are all right there. I also try to remember to send cards like Halloween at other times too just to brighten someone’s day.

    5. GoryDetails*

      I used to collect greeting cards for possible future use, generally due to really lovely cover-art or to a humorous caption that I thought some of my family/friends might like. As most of the snail-mail-sending members of the family are no longer with us, my hoard isn’t diminishing at nearly the rate I expected when I started acquiring them, and if it wasn’t that they take up very little space I might have begun culling the collection and donating the excess to a thrift shop – or perhaps to a local kids’ club that likes to use the pictures in their crafts.

      The main occasion for greeting cards now is Christmas, where I have a long-standing tradition of finding amusing holiday cards themed to each of my friends and family, and which I attach to their gifts as part of the packaging.

    6. WellRed*

      I also just remembered. I found a hilarious Christmas card for my brother and bought it. I gave it him along with a stocking of sorts that year after what had been a trying year for him. He loved the card! He was gone the following year. No regrets. It’s $3 or $4 to let someone know you’re thinking of them.

    7. TiffIf*

      My younger sister absolutely loves finding the *prefect* Christmas or birthday card for everybody and she has rubbed off on me. I really enjoy sending Christmas cards and I send all my nieces and nephews and siblings birthday cards.

      I have a sister living in Kazakhstan right now and it takes forever for mail to get there. I mailed her a Christmas card in early November and she didn’t get it until February! Her birthday is next week but I would have had to send that card months ago, so she’s just getting an email. :D (Though I will see her this summer in Costa Rica!)

  60. Your Local Cdn*

    I’m on the “younger” end (gen z) and love them! I even get them custom made for big occasions for close friends.

  61. Anono-me*

    Is anyone else getting alerts from Google asking for their birthday? If so, have you been able to locate any additional information direct from Google about it?

    I have tried to see how important it is to comply, but I cannot locate anything official. All that turns up for me is other people asking the same question and the random answers are all over the place.

    1. Forrest Rhodes*

      I’ve been receiving this query too, with no reason given except that I am “violating the law” by not giving that info. Just to make them stop asking about it, I finally gave a date that’s nowhere near my actual b-day and adds about 25 years to my age.

      Am eager to hear if anyone has any more specific info about this.

    2. fhqwhgads*

      I got this about six months ago. When I researched it at the time it appeared the real point is to confirm you’re not a minor? I think that’s what I recall anyway. I think when I put it in I just used 1/1/actual birth year.

    3. pancakes*

      Are you getting this by email, or . . . ? And do you have accounts with Google, for gmail or other services? This sounds like a phishing attempt.

  62. Anon4This*

    Based on the ad last week for digital asset management: My dad passed away a few months ago and I’m having a lot of trouble closing his Facebook account because he used fake info to create it, so they won’t accept his actual death certificate as a reason to memorialize it. Any ideas of what else I can do?

    1. Rick T*

      Do you have access to the account? If so, try deleting as much content as you can, unfriending everyone, and locking the account down to maximum privacy. If you have to leave anything up just post his dates as his status.

      Turn it in to an empty grey rock.

    2. BRR*

      If you don’t have access to the account do you have access to his email to reset his password? A stretch plan would be reporting the account as fraudulent (since technically he made it with fake info).

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