update: is my job the problem — or is it me?

by Alison Green on December 27, 2021

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

Remember the letter-writer wondering whether their job was the problem or they were? Here’s the update.

I wanted to post an update in case it would be helpful for anyone dealing with a similar situation. As I mentioned in a comment, around the time of the publication of the letter, certain things about my job changed for the better, and some of my negative feelings and doubts were resolved. The pressure and emotional toll this job was taking on me went down, I felt hopeful and optimistic and set aside any thoughts of finding another position.

About half a year after the publication of the letter, a change in my personal life resulted in a very hard departure deadline on my job. Regardless of my level of satisfaction at that workplace, I knew I will have to resign by a certain date. I started looking for other jobs that could accommodate this life transition, while also deciding to stay until the last possible date of departure in the event I could not find another job prior to this deadline. About two months before this deadline, I went on an extended vacation abroad. As soon as I landed at my destination, I was hit with a very strong realization – I did not want to go back to my old job. Every cell in my body was screaming “no!” I was done. After sitting with this feeling for a while, I decided to resign. I wrote to my boss handing in my notice and stating I will come back after my vacation for two weeks to ensure my transition out was done the right way.

My last day at that position was a month ago, and in the time that passed, I realized how right my decision to resign early has been. Prior to my resignation, several friends expressed concern about the toll this position was taking on me, but I dismissed these concerns as over-dramatization of the situation. Once I submitted my resignation officially, the floodgates of epiphanies started to open. I realized that I outgrew my old position and that I should have moved on months ago. My former position was no longer challenging to me, I had no room to move up and progress, I was not learning many new skills or developing as a person, and the position and the skills I was learning were no longer aligned with where I wanted to be in the future. Additionally, my relationship with my boss has been challenging for a while. Resigning helped me realize that I actually really love and appreciate my boss as a human being, but that we are not suited for a supervisor-supervisee relationship. We are now close friends and I feel supported by him professionally in a way I never have when we were working together. Resigning also helped me recognize the emotional toll the position was taking on my mental health and the ways in which this toll was compromising my efficiency in applying to new positions. Since resigning, I have been so much happier, more clear and focused on what I want from my next position, and I feel more confident in my abilities and what I have to offer to future employers. While I have yet to find another position, I am a final candidate for several positions and am waiting for an offer I have been told would come my way soon (though I am not taking this for granted and continue to pursue other options). Lastly, this whole process made me realize that I have a tendency to “endure” challenging situations, prioritize the well-being of organizations I am part of over my own, and staying in situations that no longer serve me. Realizing this about myself changed the way I job search, helped me put my needs and priorities in the center, and filled me with confidence that my next position would be one that would support my growth and well-being.

In summary, the answer to the question in my original letter is – it was the job. While that job had a lot to offer and is sure to make someone else very happy, it was not the right job for me.

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{ 24 comments }

{ 24 comments… read them below }

  1. TimeTravlR*

    Thank you so much for this update. This part particularly:
    “I realized that I outgrew my old position and that I should have moved on months ago. My former position was no longer challenging to me, I had no room to move up and progress, I was not learning many new skills or developing as a person, and the position and the skills I was learning were no longer aligned with where I wanted to be…”
    I have been trying to determine if/when I should retire for about 6 months. And it wasn’t until I read these sentences that I realized this is exactly where I am. It’s no longer challenging, I am not developing as a person. I am ready to take on some volunteer challenges that are definitely outside my comfort zone and this letter just pushed me over the edge. Thank you!

    1. Mimmy*

      That part spoke to me as well. I have long outgrown my job but for some reason felt like I couldn’t leave. Luckily, this spring, I’ll be graduating with a master’s related to the field I’ve been trying to get into. Fingers crossed 2022 brings about a long-overdue change.

      1. TimeTravlR*

        I think a lot of us have been contemplating change over these last couple of years. Hope your journey is amazing!

  2. Gary Patterson's Cat*

    I’ve gone though this several times in my 38 years of working. Sometimes it’s an obvious bad/horrible job/manager/commute, etc. But sometimes you yearn for a vaguely defined something “more.” By far, the most difficult decision to stay or go is when it’s a bit of both.
    No job is going to be 100% perfect (that’s why it’s called work right), but I think that you need to be able to find something about a job you enjoy. If you cannot muster even an iota of satisfaction or fulfillment it’s time to move on.

    I hope you find the next and it’s a better situation for you.

  3. Staying(In)Sane*

    Thank you OP for the update. I went back and re-read your original letter and remembered reading it the first time. I have been in the same situation for years but have always let the momentum of the job carry me forward day to day. I remember thinking that we were going through the same thing and I should take the advice given to you and apply it in my own situation. Then the next day came, and the next, and the next…

    I had forgotten about what I had read and I wrote AAM a couple of months ago with a similar question and she gave me the same advice. I’ve been working on finding a new job ever since but it hasn’t been easy, since I refuse to continue working in my soul-sucking field. It is hard because I have been at my job for 14 years and truly care about the people. I’m working 70-80 hour weeks trying to get everything done and my family is worried for my health. Heck, I’m worried for my health and reading your update gives me hope that I can find that my way out too. I am so happy (and jealous) for you!

  4. Important Moi*

    Congrats to the OP of course.

    “Additionally, my relationship with my boss has been challenging for a while. Resigning helped me realize that I actually really love and appreciate my boss as a human being, but that we are not suited for a supervisor-supervisee relationship. We are now close friends and I feel supported by him professionally in a way I never have when we were working together.”

    I would love to see other people’s thoughts on this comment. I don’t understand how a former “challenging” boss can become “close friends.” Please note this is not about not taking OP at their word.

    Becoming close friends with a former challenging boss? Please share your thoughts.

    1. Xavier Desmond*

      One of my best friends used to be my boss and he is easy going to a fault. A much better quality as a friend than a boss.

    2. Jay*

      I can see this. My current boss is a lovely guy and very good at the day-to-day work we do. He is a terrible manager. He struggles with delegation, he doesn’t have great feedback skills, he doesn’t know how to run a meeting, and when he’s overwhelmed he doesn’t always slow down enough to process information accurately. Working for him is challenging (and almost over – tomorrow is my last day before I retire!) and at the same time if we lived near each other we might become good friends once I’m done.

      I’ve also had the reverse happen – I took a job working for a guy I considered a good friend and he was a nightmare to work for – a micromanager who worked himself into the ground and expected everyone else to do the same but would never say so. He just stopped speaking to people when they dared do something like take the vacation they earned. After I left, one of my colleagues went on mat leave and he basically stopped speaking to her – she worked there for three more years and he never had a civil conversation with her again.

    3. Falling Diphthong*

      It seems a variation on realizing that someone who is fine in certain relationships is bad in others. Often the realization runs “Good only in certain contexts, which is changing my opinion of them” but it can also be “Frustrating only in certain contexts, and I could like them under other circumstances.”

      Like you and Lydia could be friends if all the angst of peewee soccer were removed from the relationship, or your sibling becomes much more tolerable at 28 than they were at 15.

    4. fhqwhgads*

      Not with a challenging boss, but I know plenty of people I hated working with but enjoy very much as humans and am now friends with.

    5. RebelwithMouseyHair*

      When someone’s job is to give you orders, and you’ve long outgrown your job, so you barely need to be told what to do, and are frustrated at having to do it, I can understand that your relationship could be fraught.
      I worked for a guy who was brilliant – a true geek, before that was even a thing – and I was fiercely critical of how he managed the firm. He never kept track of anything, including money, just peeled notes off a stash in his pocket any time someone needed cash, never thought to ask for the change or a receipt to prove they used the money as intended, he let certain people walk all over him, etc. I became the union representative to prevent him from mistreating employees (he would mistreat them out of carelessness, or because he forgot something, rather than because he was mean).
      Once the company went spectacularly bust, he started working on some other project. He would come to visit us (my partner worked at the same firm) and occasionally would ask me to do some little job for him as a contractor. We got on fine at that point, despite many very acerbic conversations as boss/employee and boss/union rep.

  5. Falling Diphthong*

    I like that over time we’ve gotten both types of updates. Sometimes if This Exhausting Thing changed about the job, the job then became miles better. Sometimes if This Exhausting Thing changed about the job, it emerged over time that there were a lot more problems and that was just the most obvious one on top.

  6. sirenspell*

    I’m really curious if this is a social work job… I have had all these feelings and more in social work roles for government agencies.

  7. Badasslady*

    OP here – I’ve sent this update to Alison a while ago. I am so happy to report I have been at a new position for a while, with better pay, better relationships, better alignment with my long-term goals, and a better overall fit. I can honestly say from where I am now, it’s unclear why I have insisted on staying the way I did.

    3. J.B.*

      I’m so happy for you! I’m really glad that vacation gave you clarity and that you are in a much better place now.

  8. Bookworm*

    Thank you for this update, OP. I missed the original letter but I have to say I can sadly identify with this and have gone through a somewhat similar change. I’m so glad you’re happier in your new position!

  10. TootsNYC*

    Lastly, this whole process made me realize that I have a tendency to “endure” challenging situations, prioritize the well-being of organizations I am part of over my own, and staying in situations that no longer serve me. Realizing this about myself changed the way I job search, helped me put my needs and priorities in the center, and filled me with confidence that my next position would be one that would support my growth and well-being.

    This is relevant to my interests. Thank you.

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