update: should I include work about a BDSM dungeon in my portfolio?

by Alison Green on December 7, 2021

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

Remember the letter-writer asking if she should include an article she’d authored about a BDSM dungeon in her portfolio when applying for jobs? Here’s the update.

I wrote to you last August and this January, respectively, with two questions: “should I include work about a BDSM dungeon in my portfolio?” and “Can I ask my interviewer to get a COVID test?”

I was very glad to see that your readers were interested in my BDSM dungeon article, but I’m glad I decided not to share it –– there wouldn’t have been any way I could’ve done so without making the members’ names public. Even though I had permission to share their names for my class project (and on my website), they didn’t think the story would be published outside of those contexts, so it wouldn’t have been fair to them for me to do so. Even on my website, I changed or redacted some names for additional privacy.

As you suggested, though, I did keep the article up on my website, which I’m happy about. Your response made me realize that my portfolio actually didn’t showcase my best work as a reporter; it included too much work from my publicity background. Earlier this year, I sat down (virtually) with someone from my school’s career center and revamped everything, including my resume, with help from your site. It took a full day and a half, but the final product was a much better representation of the work I was doing and the jobs I was looking for than the previous version. I was even embarrassed that it had taken so long to look like that!

But about that dungeon.

As I’ve learned new info about one of the figures in my story, the focus of my article –– which I continued to write beyond the semester I started it, hoping to make it a longer project, but I’ve since stopped writing for myriad reasons –– has taken several BIG turns. Again, I won’t share exact details, but I will say that I had to pivot my reporting and my beliefs about kink a lot.

The interview I wrote about in my COVID test question was for a ‘hip’ podcasting company in my hometown. Audio production is something I like doing, but it’s not my primary specialty or passion.

It turns out: (1) this outlet did an award-winning series a few years ago about a charismatic figure in our town who had a troubled past and a trail of bad behavior, and (2) the creative director of this outlet worked with one of my favorite professors at another media outlet a few years ago. You bet I name-dropped my professor in my application!

In my cover letter, I mentioned that that series resonated with me because the reporting work I had been doing was very similar. I’ve written about my story in journalism cover letters before, but very briefly and vaguely –– for instance, mentioning that I had covered stories about X, Y, Z, and “an underground club.” This time, though, I decided to go for broke and be more direct about it.

I wrote: “[Company’s] ‘ABC’ series stands out to me because I’ve been doing similar reporting as a journalism student. What started as an assignment documenting how a dungeon community has adapted to COVID has evolved into a longform piece about how the group’s charismatic leader is running what is effectively a sex cult. I’m not shy about doing the reporting work to investigate ‘weird’ stories like this one, and I appreciate the opportunity to pursue stories that would otherwise go overlooked. I’m eager to join [Company] to continue investigative journalism in a medium for which I have a new and growing appreciation.”

I got invited to an interview within 24 hours of applying!

The interview went pretty well. After some pleasantries, it started off with my now-favorite interview question of all time:

“So tell me about this sex cult.”

I talked about how I had found the story as part of a class that focused on connecting with communities that have been maligned in the media. I explained how it had started off as one thing and then became another once I began to reexamine some of my previous conclusions. I talked about following leads and digging into the legal system –– just as the interviewer and his team had done in their investigative series. I explained that the process of working on the story had been a huge learning experience as a reporter.

A journalist has to be able to talk straightforwardly and without embarrassment about what they’re reporting on, and I explained that I have learned how to do so. I described how I’ve had to combine honesty and professionalism with informed consent, i.e. I know some people might be uncomfortable with sex or kink, so I talk about the story only when I’m asked about it, I don’t go into graphic details, etc. All of this made a good impression, and it led to a discussion of my other investigative work, my interest in the medium, etc.

I actually didn’t get that job; at first I thought it was because of the sex cult thing, until I looked up the person who currently holds that position, and guess what –– she has years of podcast production experience and a roster of big-name clients. I took one podcasting class last semester. I would’ve hired her over myself, too!

Anyway, skip ahead to later in the spring and I’m interning for a local media outlet that I’ve thought was awesome since I was a teenager. Funnily enough, I got the job simply by emailing an editor to ask if the paper needed an intern and saying that my school could pay for it if so. I didn’t even have to interview –– which you’d think would be a red flag in any other circumstance, but not here –– they accepted me within 24 hours solely on the content of my resume and my portfolio!

Skip ahead a few more months and I’m no longer an intern –– I’m a full-timer at this paper. I wasn’t replacing anyone or filling an open position –– my boss created a position for me.

A NEW position, in journalism, in 2021!

After my out-of-state summer job ended, I freelanced for the paper for a few weeks and trawled through local job listings, resigning myself to the fact that my only possibilities for a media job in my city were either working for the local business paper (not my thing) or doing admin work for the local Big Paper (really not my thing.) Every so often, I’d “subtly” mention to my editors that I was job-hunting, à la the Kim K meme: “I’m like dropping hints that I need a job.” “I need a job.” They always said it was a shame that they couldn’t afford to hire someone right now.

But one day, as I was sitting in the parking lot of a Tex-Mex restaurant, my boss called me and asked me straight off the bat: “Hey, do you still need a job?”

As he described it, he went to our parent company and said, “Look, I have this freelancer, she wants a job, we need additional help, and we want to keep her. Give me money.”

And they did!

It’s been pretty smooth sailing so far. Some new-job hiccups, yes, but this was literally the exact scenario I wanted. I’ve only ever gone from one seasonal job to the next, a lifestyle that came with a certain appeal, but I’d always hoped for the stability and security of a full-time position in my field. Now I have exactly that.

It would de-anonymize me to list everything that I’ve gotten to do on assignment, but the experiences that I’ve had and the stories I’ve gotten to report are so culturally rich and varied and just straight-up fun.

But here’s just one of those experiences: recently, I got to photograph my favorite band in the front row of their last concert of the year, close enough (masked) that I was literally touching the stage. One of the band members even crowd-surfed over me. Afterward, at the venue’s bar, I noticed a familiar-looking face chatting with some of the band members. Guess who it was?

It was the interviewer from January!

We had some nice small talk, and I told him that I now work for [paper] and that I’m actually super glad that it didn’t work out with his company, because this was a much better fit for me, no offense to him whatsoever; also, the other candidate was obviously far more qualified and suited to the role. He said something like, “Yeah, that’s really what it comes down to!” He’s a cool guy, and it was good to make that connection in real life.

You know what’s funny? I discovered your site in the first place because someone shared the link to the “Do I have to call someone’s partner their master?” letter, and now BDSM got me a job, sort of.

You know what’s also funny? In my letter about the dungeon, I wrote, “I’m applying for jobs at places that aren’t ‘alternative.'”

The paper that I now work for is an alt-weekly!

Alt’s well that ends well. My editor-in-chief recently said, “If you’re working in a city you like, doing stories you like, and you’re not overloaded by work, for a journalism job, that’s golden,” so I am the queen of El Dorado.

Thank you so much, Alison!

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{ 68 comments }

{ 68 comments… read them below }

    1. Person from the Resume*

      I can tell the LW’s a good writer. It’s a great update combines with a good news story about how following ask a manager’s job hunting advice leads to success.

  3. fposte*

    This makes me happy, and I would love to have been a fly on the wall for the pre-interview discussion: “Can we just open with ‘tell me about this sex cult’?” “Sure, we’ll probably never get a second chance to do that!”

  4. Andy*

    I am really curious about twists in opinions about kink. If letter writer reads these, please please tell us.

    1. A lawyer*

      I thought the later comment about it becoming a sex cult was perhaps a hint as to what went wrong in this particular story…

      1. Eliza*

        Yeah, having seen similar things happen before in communities I was part of, that painted a picture for me. Stigmatized groups tend to be resistant to outside criticism for understandable reasons, but that can leave them with nowhere to look for a reality check if their internal culture goes off the rails.

      2. Ray Gillette*

        I can’t speak for the LW, but my opinions on kink communities is different from my opinion on kink itself. I have a fairly dim view of many kink communities, but still enjoy kink activities with partners I trust. I can elaborate if anyone’s interested but the short version is that I’m not even that surprised about the LW’s sex cult story – many kink communities are more invested in presenting a united front to anyone outside the community than they are in actually making sure their community is a safe place.

        2. Not A Mango*

          I’d be interested to hear more, but only if you can without putting yourself or anyone else at risk.

            1. Ray Gillette*

              Weekend thread sounds like a plan! I was lucky to come out more or less unscathed by anything major, but having observed similar patterns in multiple kink and kink-adjacent (think: hobby group where I see a lot of the same people as I do at kink events) spaces, so at this point I’m skeptical even when I attend events.

        3. Dramatic Intent to Flounce*

          Yeah, that also seems in line with my limited knowledge of kink and kink communities. Kinda reminds me of the issue last week with ‘the interrogated by HR about a sex injury’ update and how the coworker who outed them is apparently known to do so, but seems to be treated like a missing stair and not y’know, ultimately a threat to someone’s job.

        4. Anon for this*

          I’ve seen that dynamic play out in a number of ‘alternative’/marginalized communities. Something about being outside ‘mainstream’ norms + being frequently villainized by people outside the community makes it hard to get a reality check when things get dramatic–and then all of a sudden, either things are imploding over absolutely nothing and no one can even really say what started it, or things are absolutely nuts and everyone is acting like it’s normal and fine.

          1. metadata minion*

            Yeah, when you have to push back so hard that BSDM isn’t abuse! or Polyamory isn’t immoral! it can be hard to then admit that ok, yes, that’s absolutely true in a general sense but THIS particular kinky/queer/poly/etc. relationship or community is definitely abusive.

            1. Anon today*

              Yes, especially when it’s illegal in your state to hit someone, even with their permission. I know these laws are to protect victims of domestic and other violence from being coerced into saying they asked to be hit.

            2. Anon to avoid doxxing myself*

              Just as a note, I work for an anti-domestic-violence agency that focuses on, along with LGBTQ+ communities, polyamorous and BDSM/kink communities. I don’t want to get flagged as spam but the website is tnlr dot org, and the 24-hour hotline is 800-832-1901. Some of our programs are only for people in or trying to move to our home state, for funding and/or logistical l reasons, but some, like the hotline and phone-based support groups, you can do from anywhere. It can be helpful for people to talk to professionals who understand the dynamics that people are talking about in this little subthread.

            3. Anon for this*

              I’m on board with blanket statements like “BDSM isn’t abuse” or “polyamory isn’t inherently unethical” when it’s pushback against some judgmental asshole who has decided all ‘deviance’ (kink, polyamory, queerness, sex outside marriage, etc etc etc) is inherently evil. Those judgmental people do exist, and they are wrong, and it’s fine and good to tell them they’re wrong.

              But yeah, when it comes down to a specific relationship, or when it’s in response to a specific problem that’s being called out within a specific community? It does often turn into a flag. Like, you shouldn’t need to insist this hard, you know? What are you defending here?

          2. Falling Diphthong*

            That second option comes up in so many human-group contexts: Well if what’s happening now is a problem, then what was happening three months ago was also a problem and I insisted that was fine. So IT’S FINE.

        5. Andy*

          I would be interested to read more, if you are still willing to write.

          (The “more invested in presenting a united front to anyone outside the community” already helped me to realize aspect I was not aware of).

        6. ActuallyAsexualOops*

          Yeah, when I was personally exploring that side of sexuality I looked up a local kink group and found its “newbie advice” had such gems as (paraphrased) “don’t try looking for a partner to experiment with, you’re too inexperienced. Beg our high-standing members for one-time sexual encounters instead and maybe they’ll make time for you as a favour, so be grateful if they do”. Not very “out there” in the scheme of things but still deeply off-putting to advocate such a huge power imbalance in so vulnerable a setting.

        7. VintageLydia*

          My experiences mirror yours. It doesn’t just happen in kink. It can happen in any alt community (I’ve even seen small regional cults of personality develop around folks in large orgs like SCA.) I keep informed and maintain friendships within certain communities, but I don’t get overly involved in them.

          1. ex-SCAdian*

            This thread was reminding me of my SCA days even before I saw your post. My two cents’ worth is that the way SCA selects leaders contributes to it. To state the obvious, “whoever’s best at hitting people with sticks gets to be king/queen” isn’t a particularly reliable way to select good leaders.

            But if one admits that, then it gets really embarrassing when that method leads to poor consequences. It’s just asking for a “well what did you EXPECT?”. So some people put a lot of energy into convincing themselves that everything is awesome and that being Good With Sticks really is a sign of good character and wisdom, and stan anybody who’s managed to win Crown Tourney regardless of how crappy they might be.

            There was a lot I loved about SCA, but definitely not that part of it.

      3. Anon for this*

        Yes, I think so–though I hope the letter writer has enough discernment to know that this particular story going this way doesn’t necessarily reflect all kink groups or practices!

    2. Lenora Rose*

      I think it was the issue with finding that this kink community was becoming an abusive sex cult with a charismatic figure taking over the heart of it.

      From a friend of mine involved in a healthy BDSM community in another country who had to dig in and help kick out some toxic elements because his group was going this way: BDSM communities have a complicated relationship with consent – on the one hand, healthy communities are very very big on the idea that consent is essential, even for scenes with the *tone* of non-consent. On the other, the combination of the ongoing appearance of non-consent and the constant verbal reassurance of of “We’re consent-positive!” can sometimes mask the times when someone really is breaking those boundaries. And it can be very hard to tell a genuinely happy person reassuring you it’s on the up and up from a person repeating their abuser’s line.

  7. WoodswomanWrites*

    What a fantastic update. I loved reading this story from start to finish. Congratulations!

  9. Dogismycopilot*

    Alt’s well that ends well is my new favourite saying of 2021.

    Congratulations – I love a happy update. I almost wrote ending but I hope this is just the happiest of beginnings.

  10. GreyjoyGardens*

    I love this update. This whole story sounds intriguing from start to end, and I’m glad the ending was happy for the LW (and that they learned a lot of new things on the way).

  11. Zephy*

    I’m glad this LW is thriving, I love a good update like this. I totally get not wanting to doxx herself, so I’ll just say I hope I encounter her writing in the wild, I’d love to read more of it.

  13. whynot*

    Just remember folks, in 99.9% of circumstances, “So tell me about this sex cult” is *not* the magic question!

    Congrats to LW, what a great update. May you have a long and fabulous career!

    1. Ally McBeal*

      This is, in fact, the ONLY instance where this could possibly be the magic question! I just died laughing at that bit.

    2. JayemGriffin*

      If I legitimately got to open an interview with “so tell me about this sex cult,” it would immediately become a treasured anecdote to share with literally everyone I spoke to for at least a month.

      1. Candi*

        “Black magic is one of many occupational hazards” will always hold a special place in my funny bone.

    3. Botanist*

      Slightly tangential, but my husband is a speech therapist and somewhere along the way he picked up a t-shirt advertising Better Hearing and Speech Month- by the acronym of BHSM. Yep. This shirt is rather large and I used it as a pajama top during the later stages of pregnancy, and my very vanilla husband took great pleasure in making jokes about being into BHSM. That shirt really needed a focus group before it went to press.

  15. INFJedi*

    My editor-in-chief recently said, “If you’re working in a city you like, doing stories you like, and you’re not overloaded by work, for a journalism job, that’s golden,” so I am the queen of El Dorado.

    Okay, I have to admit that I am jealous. But in a good way ;-)
    Well done OP! Great update!

  18. nnn*

    I’d like to hear more about how, exactly, one goes about name-dropping a professor in an application. Where and how do you mention them?

    My mentor (who taught me in university and later was my team leader at work for 10 years) is a Big Name in our profession. People say to me “You know [mentor]???” in the same tone of awe that they’d use for “You have the Queen’s cell phone number???” I’m fairly confident that name-dropping him would get me an interview, but I have no idea how to go about it!

    1. Pomegranate*

      I’d suggest name dropping in the cover letter. “I’ve learned valuable skills x and y from THE MENTOR, a recognized leader in this field” or “When working with Prof. QUEEN, I gained experience in x and y which are likely to translate well to the job requirement z” . Because the important part about the mentor is not that you know him, but that your relationship led you to learn work/field-related things from the mentor and thus that makes you a better candidate.

      1. Felicia*

        Because the important part about the mentor is not that you know him, but that your relationship led you to learn work/field-related things from the mentor and thus that makes you a better candidate.

        Your last sentence makes it easier to figure out how to “drop” the name in the cover letter in a way that isn’t weird.

  19. Pam Poovey*

    I absolutely understand and respect the reasons not to share the sex cult story, but damn, I want to read the sex cult story.

    1. Constance Lloyd*

      OP is being so intentional about the information she shares vs protects so I won’t be doing anything to violate the privacy she and her subjects deserve, but… this letter reminded me of an article I read earlier this year, so I’m revisiting reporting on that particular org and combing my way through updates. Unfortunately, there seems to be quite a few clubs out there which have behaved poorly, giving us no shortage of reading material regardless of its relation to OP.

      OP, I don’t know what I love more: your writing or your ethics. Wishing you all the best in a career that is lucky to have you.

  23. Not Quite.*

    OP, just based on how you wrote this update, I would read your work. I found myself quickly invested in a short time. Congratulations on the new job.

  24. Nanani*

    This update was fun to read! Not just because it’s a happy one but also because you’re a really good writer!
    Grats on the job, OP.

  28. TeapotNinja*

    ““So tell me about this sex cult.””
    I am so glad I had finished my drink by the time I got to this part. Laugh out loud moment!

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