{ 1,127 comments… read them below }

  1. Ask a Manager* Post author

    A reminder that comments in the weekend open thread should ask questions and/or seek to discuss ideas, rather than be “here’s an update on my life”-style posts. Thank you!

  2. Laura H.*

    Little Joys Thread

    What brought you joy this week?

    I got chocolate covered pretzels shipped in from a store that’s in the northeast that my great-aunt would send us every year. She passed away in April. And enjoying those brought me joy as I thought of her. (Plus they’re darn good pretzels.)

    Please share your joys big or small.

    1. Moose of anonymity*

      After a period of no success on dating sites, all the sudden I have potential dates and a couple of actual dates to the point I’m worried about scheduling. One lunch date was a great success, we have date 3 planned after the new year.

      Who knows, rain may be falling to end my long dry spell.

      3. Falling Diphthong*

        Cue the entire commentariat in an elaborate choreographed homage to “It’s Raining Men.”

    2. Not Australian*

      Rather more sordid than yours, but … a payment that was due to me in April (legitimately delayed due to Covid) finally reached me last week, just in time to make the difference between a ‘careful’ Christmas and one where I don’t need to worry about a thing. Also, my grandson and his new wife are going to be able to join us for our festive get-together, which will be the first time for ages that the family are all in the same place – we had to watch their wedding on Zoom from 200 miles away, but we will be eight for brunch on Christmas Eve!

    3. WoodswomanWrites*

      I ordered a bunch of maple candy, hard to find on the West Coast and something I miss from my Michigan childhood. I’m happily munching on it all myself and enjoying not having to share!

      1. Free Meerkats*

        Neil’s Bigleaf has just released this year’s batch of bigleaf maple syrup. It’s a different, deeper flavor profile than sugar maple. It sells out really quickly. Just search Neil’s Bigleaf. Expensive, but worth it.

        1. WoodswomanWrites*

          Fascinating. I had no idea anyone was making maple syrup from West Coast bigleaf maples. Thanks for the tip.

          1. Sandi*

            Maple syrup can be made from any maples, it’s just that sugar maples have a higher concentration of sugar in the sap so it’s less work to boil it down. Which makes it more expensive to make, but otherwise just as maply.

            1. 2QS*

              Amazing! I grew up in the PNW and remember reading that you could theoretically make syrup out of bigleaf maple sap, but it would be such a laborious process that no one bothers. I’d love to try what they’ve come up with and I’m not sure this ever would have been on my radar otherwise.

        2. Edwina*

          Done! I just went to the site and placed an order! I can’t wait! Thanks so much! I’m so excited! Merry Christmas!

          Here’s my “return offer”: Green Mountain Goodness Pure Maple Sprinkles. Mapley and crunchy, and SOoooo good on plain yogurt!

        3. fposte*

          Ooh, I love maple syrup and think that it should get treated more like wine, so this is brilliant. Order placed!

          1. Venus*

            I have tried maple dessert wines from small Canadian vineyards, and let’s just say that it is possible to “treat maple syrup more like wine” with incredible success…

            1. fposte*

              Heh. That sounds fun too, but I really mean paying attention to the varietals, years, terroir, etc. of maple syrup.

              1. Venus*

                I knew that, but didn’t want to seem weird by saying that that happens too. Mostly the comparison between years is the temperature fluctuations which relates to quantity. This year it warmed up too quickly so the supply was bad. The varietals are the timing of the boil, light vs dark, and which types of maple trees are used. A good friend of mine has a family member who makes maple syrup and it’s delicious!

              1. Venus*

                Very sweet! I wouldn’t want to drink it often, or a large amount at one time, but it is very strong maple. I’m not sure when something becomes a liqueur, but it could easily be described that way too.

      2. Artemesia*

        I received a Christmas gift of a sampler pack of different maple syrups — no idea who it is from.

        1. WoodswomanWrites*

          I received an unknown gift once. I asked everyone I could think of and it wasn’t from any of them. I eventually called the company to ask who it was from and weirdly, they didn’t have any record of the order. I never did find out who gifted it.

    4. Teatime is Goodtime*

      I’m having a rough week, but I currently have a cup of tea and a cat purring on my lap. No one else is awake, the house is quiet and I’ve got a good book handy. But first I am savoring the cat and the tea. And reading AAM :)

    5. StellaBella*

      My joys included snowshoeing for 4km with friends in amazing deep snow with sunshine and getting the OK all clear on my shoulder that has healed from a fracture in Sept. The pretzels sound good!

    6. Jackalope*

      My first theater since the Before Times! As in, being in the show. We’re opening tomorrow and have six total shows. It’s been a bit nerve wracking at times but we had vaccines required, masks required at all rehearsals (and people really complied), and so on. Tonight we had our second COVID tests and everyone was negative, so on with the show! (Audience is required to have proof of vaccination or recent negative test and wear masks the whole time.) As you can see, COVID has been tricky, but we did it, and I’m so happy to get to do this again.

      1. I take tea*

        So wonderful. I’ve been to a couple of plays this autumn, and although I’m thankful for streamed theatre, nothing beats the real thing!

    7. Hunnybee*

      The hummingbirds are still coming to my feeders and seem to be getting used to me coming by to fill them with sugar water. It’s always such a thrill to see them, especially now that it is dreary and rainy where I live.

    8. Papillon Celeste*

      We have two tomcats. One, my sweet boy, is a cuddle monster who will crawl into my lap whenever possible and curl into a purring ball of joy. The other, my husband’s darling, is affectionate too but not so much one for hugs and cuddles. He’s more the adventurous and playful Dude of the neighborhood.
      My husband loves him but sometimes is a little sad that he’s not crawling into his arms as mine does.
      But this week, all of a sudden, he started doing it! Climbing right into our arms, curling into a bundle of joy and purring as if it’s going out of style.
      It’s cute if he does it with me but even cuter seeing my husband’s happy face when he can cuddle his purring baby to his hearts desire.

      1. Heffalump*

        That is really sweet. Both my cats (now in kitty heaven) were cuddle monsters from the get-go, which is what I was hoping they’d be when I adopted them. If I were your husband I’d also be a bit sad at the cat’s previous behavior, but I’d be delighted by the recent change.

    9. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Yesterday was my birthday and one of the best things about that is that I am now 41, which is both an odd number and a prime number. I always feel slightly unsettled in even years, plus I got divorced during the years I was 20 and 30. Husband and I are good (though when he insisted on giving me my birthday present at 3 in the damn morning it was close :-P ) so my trend (curse?) is broken. :)

      1. Papillon Celeste*

        How funny, I always feel slightly unsettled with the odd numbers and I’m also 41. But I count the days to my 42nd birthday ;-)
        Anyways, happy (belated) Birthday to you!

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Thank you! In my experience, most people who have a preference actually prefer even numbers, but for my head, balance requires a specific point for the center in addition to the equal parts on the two sides, and even numbers don’t have the center point. :) 20-20 doesn’t seem as balanced to me as 20-1-20. Not sure why. Brains are strange :)

          1. Papillon Celeste*

            I think you just helped me overcome my dislike for odd numbers. To me they lacked symetry. I prefer equal numbers because they’re easier to share with my partner if you think of bonbons or pizza slices ;-)
            But your picture of a center point is compelling. I like that!

        2. mreasy*

          About to turn 42 myself and I feel unsettled about the even number! So funny that our brains do things like this.

      2. Hsa*

        Happy Birthday!
        It was my birthday too yesterday and I opened a present from my partner before work and kept the packet from my family for after work. All were things I loved.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Happy birthday to us!! Since I was already awake anyway, I checked my email and found that in addition to the gift from my husband (which was actually thoughtful enough to get away with being excited about it at 3am, even if I couldn’t actually see it in the dark), my parents had sent me an entire series of books off my Kindle wishlist :)

      3. Voluptuousfire*

        Yet another Dec baby! My birthday is Sunday and I’m treating myself to a facial. It’s sorely needed.

      4. Morning reader*

        Omg, RRTAF, I love it when birthdays are prime numbers too! Never met anyone else who was into it. Happy birthday! 42 was cool for obvious reasons but I liked 47, 53, etc. ; now I’m getting into the idea of being 2 to the 6th power on my next one. Probably my last exponent although if I’m lucky I might hit 3 to the 4th.
        My latest number fun is counting my age by months rather than years. I just turned 761, and that’s prime too.

    10. I'm So Excited*

      Update from last week: I finally went ahead and got that pixie cut! No regrets whatsoever and it looks much better and more polished than my (previously ridiculous) long hair.

      Friends and family love it; I’m not sure how the wo** coll**gues will respond (they haven’t seen them yet), but that’s a matter for another thread!

      2. StillLongHair*

        I’ve been thinking about cutting my waist-long (and not very well cared for) hair really short. I may just follow your example!

      4. Daffodilly*

        When I did that in college, one unkind professor on mine literally grabbed me by the head, shook my head and said “WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?”
        I do not know what she was thinking. Totally rude, and totally inappropriate for a professor to do. I have never been so shocked by someone’s rudeness. Thankfully she wasn’t my advisor and I never took another class from her again.
        I hope you have much better responses from your coworkers!

    11. Falling Diphthong*

      Both of my grown kids are now home!

      Sometime soon, maybe next year, they won’t both come home. It’s a coming transition. I’m really glad that this year, we get to gather again.

    12. Hotdog not dog*

      Best Good Dog and I managed to squeeze in an early morning walk before the rain starts. He is now snoozing with his stuffed ostrich and I am enjoying a nice cup of coffee and the Weekend Open Thread.

    13. LadyWhistledown*

      My husband received a 100% disabled rating from the VA and has started getting help for his various health issues (most importantly his PTSD). I know that doesn’t sound joyful but it’s been so validating to have his struggles recognized and the 100% rating means he will have guaranteed income for the rest of his life plus access to subsidized healthcare for the whole family. I would trade all of it to have him whole and healthy but barring that, this has been an absolute game changer.

      1. Jean (just Jean)*

        This is huge! Good wishes for his healing, and cheers for the guaranteed income plus family access to subsidized health care. No, he’s not whole and healthy but you can check several items off your list of concerns.

        1. Lady Whistledown*

          Thank you for the kind words! He doesn’t “look” disabled so it’s been really hard for him to get validation for his struggles. Folks have been assuming he’s unemployed due to laziness and not chronic pain and PTSD. Having guaranteed income means he can catch his breath and take his time deciding on what he wants to do with his life. Maybe back to school. Maybe part time work. Maybe volunteering. It’s a relief to have options.

          1. Venus*

            I know someone with PTSD who volunteered for a while after they qualified for the assistance. It allowed them to get back into some work-adjacent habits without the pressure. They took volunteering seriously and did quite a few hours, but mentally there was less stress because they weren’t paid. It also felt good because they were ‘giving back’ to the community, which started to balance out some negative feelings from their illness. Once they built up some confidence and habits, and perhaps more importantly they had also spent enough time in therapy to be much healthier, they pursued other options.

            Not suggesting this for your husband, but I noticed that you mentioned volunteering, and I wanted to share an example of ways in which it can be a nice transition.

            It’s an illness close to my heart, and I wish you and your family good thoughts.

            1. Lady Whistledown*

              It’s good to hear a transition success story! His next step (and a very brave one!) is a partial intake psych program. That’s going to be super emotionally intense but will hopefully result in some self compassion along with new coping skills. I think he’d be a wonderful person to volunteer with other veterans or perhaps with an animal rescue. He is such a caring, loyal person and was a highly respected leader while in the service. I think structure and service would do him well in the new year.

              Thank you again for the kind words and taking the time to write.

        1. Lady Whistledown*

          Thank you so much! We are slowly allowing hope to come back into our hearts for a truly brighter future for us and our son.

      3. NoImaginationForNames*

        I live in Pennsylvania. 100% disabled veterans are exempt from property and school taxes. If you own your home check what the rules are in your area

        1. Lady Whistledown*

          Thank you! We’re renting right now but when we do buy again that will definitely be on our radar! 100% disabled vets are also exempt from the VA funding fee on mortgages so that’s a wonderful cost savings. Really appreciate all the kind folks chiming in here!

      4. WoodswomanWrites*

        I’m sure that getting to this point was an administrative slog. So good to hear you and your family are past that now.

        1. Lady Whistledown*

          We confirmed it with 4 separate people AND during a visit on base before we actually agreed it was real and worth getting our hopes up about. The number of times he’s been promised or assured something by multiple people only to have it evaporate is depressingly high. He served for 10 years and had submitted his claim back in May. Was supposed to get expedited review because he was active duty. But nope, delay after delay after delay for over 6 months. It’s such a relief to finally be on the other side!

    14. Cookie*

      I’m currently working in an admin role, and it’s been a tough year with a lot of negativity from my boss and grandboss, plus pandemic stress. This week, one of the people I support, who’s 90% remote in another location, met me at the office to give me a pound of really nice, locally roasted coffee beans from her city as a holiday gift. She knows how much I love coffee…someone actually thought of what I liked and gave me that thing. I was stunned!

    15. Jean (just Jean)*

      I am facing some difficult circumstances with calm and purpose. Yes, I have a great support team, but as its captain I set a good tone (even when I’m feeling wobbly inside) and contribute many skills.

      Props to the AAM commentariat for sharing wisdom about self-care, clear communication, and small bits of humor I can recall in hard times. Humor is healing. Thank you!

    16. Jay*

      My daughter is home from college! Flew in on the redeye. We picked her up this morning and she’s tucked into bed . Love having her home.

    18. AGD*

      Two sets of neighbors put up Christmas lights. Both displays are very pretty and one of them shines into my bedroom at night and makes nice patterns on the ceiling that I’ve been enjoying.

    19. Admiral Thrawn Is Blue*

      This morning I got a wonderful Star Wars, Jango Fett candy dispenser. Press the belt and you get short voice clips from the movies too! I love SW.

    20. Lady Danbury*

      My brother and his family are home for Christmas. They weren’t able to travel last year, so this is the first time that all of my siblings and nieces/nephews have been home together for the holidays since the Before Times.

      I also finished my Christmas baking prep this morning, which means that all of my cookies and cakes are mixed, shaped/poured in pans and in the freezer waiting to be baked on Christmas Eve.

    21. Generic Name*

      A stressful week that ended on a high note. I had a biopsy that was negative for cancer, just have to re-check in a year. And my son needs a major surgery (which isn’t great news), and I was anticipating that his dad (we’re not married) would be difficult per usual. The good news is his dad agrees and I won’t have to have a court battle for son to have necessary surgery.

    22. Also Cute and Fluffy!*

      I am just so stoked for Sterlin Harjo, who is having such big success with Reservation Dogs. I first saw his movie Barking Waters five years ago, and I loved it.

    24. GoryDetails*

      Low-key joys, but I appreciate them:

      The snowstorm that’s coming in this afternoon motivated me to put away my vegetable planters, which I’d been meaning to do since first frost. (In past years I’ve sometimes left them out too long and then, unable to deal with frozen-solid lumps of earth, had to wait until spring!) Was able to move the soil to a spot that can use it come spring, and put the empty planters away. Freed up the space at the end of my driveway as well.

      Am also enjoying my XO “marshmallow of the day” calendar; recent flavors included butterbeer, mango, sriracha, and ube (!).

      I hope to enjoy the snowstorm, too, settled in with books and cats and hot tea (or perhaps a nice glass of red wine…)

    25. the cat's ass*

      A lumpy week. DD finished her 1st semester of love HS, and promptly came down with the GI thing i had. Both of us are feeling better now.
      DH got a flu shot AND his Covid booster and is also feeling better!

    26. Bibliovore*

      This is an odd one but I will take what I can get.
      My grief counselor has been encouraging tv watching for distraction and respite.
      He kept recommending the Great Pottery Throw Down.
      I finally watched it with a friend. The whole season last weekend.
      Then this week I pulled a favorite tea cup from the cupboard.
      It was hand made. I bought it over twenty years ago in a small store in SoHo NYC.
      I visited it twice- it was pricy but I really, really wanted it. I thought I can just buy one, just for me.
      So on Tuesday, as I looked at this hand thrown, white cup with the word tea on the side, I noticed it had a chop mark.
      OMG!
      It was made by one of the judges!
      Keith Brymer Jones!
      I guess I won’t be putting that in the dishwasher anymore!

      1. GoryDetails*

        Awesome coincidence re the cup! Glad you enjoyed the series, too – I find it delightful, both for the craftsmanship and for the emotional judge Keith.

      2. SelinaKyle*

        Wow! What a coincidence!!
        If you enjoyed that show, can I recommend The great British Sewing Bee. They have 2 Christmas celebrity specials in the next couple of weeks and the seasons are available on BBC iPlayer

    28. slmrlln*

      I started playing Zelda: Breath of the Wild for the second time (the first time was maybe 4 years ago), and I love it so much! I appreciate good world-building and I love how open-ended and how beautiful this world is.

    29. Rara Avis*

      My bell choir is back in person. We had a caroling gig last weekend which went really well and are doing it again today. We also had a gathering to which the regular director (who is currently on maternity leave) brought her 7 month old son and I got to hold him.

    31. Not A Manager*

      FANCY STAMPS! I’m finishing up holiday cards and I just realized that by far my favorite thing is selecting the correct forever stamp for each recipient. A few years ago I started buying whimsical stamps from the USPS website and now I’m addicted.

    32. Square Root of Minus One*

      I’m back at my mom’s house. It’s nice to have the calm, the fresh air, and the birdsongs. It’s a strange feeling to… just stop.
      I wish the cats could be friends, but that may be too much to ask.

    33. Purple Cat*

      I am hosting Early Christmas for the in-laws today and although my feet are killing me, I am so so happy we are all together.

    34. Database Developer Dude*

      Something that brought me joy this week? Seeing someone I care about being truly happy.

      Also, walking away from an extremely toxic (non-work related) situation. I’m so done.

    35. Might Be Spam*

      I just picked up my son from the airport. I had to circle the airport 3 times because the police were vigorously enforcing the no parking and no standing rule at the airport. It really helped. A few years ago it took 20 minutes to go 300 feet. This year the traffic was so much better.

      It’s my son’s first visit in two years. I brought him a bottle of his favorite root beer to drink in the car on the way home. My neighbor goes all out on the Christmas lights and they were still on by the time we got home.

    36. Chaordic One*

      I just read an article that noted it was the 50th anniversary of the release of the movie, “Harold and Maude.” Brought back some good memories. If I get the chance, I’d like to re-watch it.

    37. Mama Sarah*

      I was dreading the commute to the office only to be surprised by a double rainbow that seem stretch over the entire bay!! So instead of stressed, I arrived at the office amazed by the beautiful sky and feeling all sorts of gratitude for nature…and Bob Marley! Rainbow Country always sounds like a love song to me. ❤️

    38. Seeking Second Childhood*

      A flock of juncos on the back patio. A flock of Robins & Cedar Waxwings in the crabapple out front. The fruit is so big compared to their beaks it’s a marvel they go in.

    39. Clisby*

      I got to meet my brand-new great-niece, who’s not even a month old; my great-nephew from Ireland; and my great-nephew from here who I hadn’t met because of Covid. They are all, of course, adorable.

  3. CatCat*

    When does the Alison avatar on the site get the winter scarf? I seem to recall winter clothes in years past :-)

    1. Janet Pinkerton*

      There’s currently a high of 60° in our shared metro area so there definitely hasn’t been a switch to scarves and hats in real life yet! (Plus I bet the upcoming redesign has something to do with it.)

      1. Clisby*

        Christmas here is supposed to have a high of 72 F. I hope so. Winter in South Carolina almost (but not quite) makes up for summer in South Carolina.

    2. Incessant Owlbears*

      I haven’t seen the avatar switch to winter mode for the past several years. I miss it, too!

  4. Adult Autism Diagnosis*

    I know I’ve seen similar threads here, but cannot find them. For people who got diagnosed with Autism as an adult did you see any benefit? Or people with relationships with people who got diagnosed with Autism as an adult, was there a benefit?

    I’m an adult women who’s slowly realised that I might fit some autistic traits. I’m debating if I should try to get diagnosed.

    I remember when I was diagnosed with learning disabilities in university, I was disappointed that said I didn’t have ADHD. I wanted something to explain what was wrong with my brain. Why I felt so other. This year at 28, I’ve been diagnosed with OCPD. That has explained some, but not all. It’s been really nice to have words to describe things and for my husband to understand what’s going on. Is also helped me adjust my behaviour to better get along with others. But now I’m pondering autism. I would love to hear others experience.

    1. Hunnybee*

      We all have different feelings about it, and sometimes those feelings can change over time. I was also diagnosed (two years ago). I’m GenX. I knew I had ADHD for years, but when I got the additional Asperger’s diagnosis it absolutely made sense and lightbulbs appeared. That feeling of “oh, of course……”. There is comfort in the clarity that comes with giving something a name. I always just thought I was this weirdo hardcore introvert with major social anxiety (but super creative and great at problem solving).

      In many ways, though, I feel less positive about it. I understand crystal-clearly how many of my personal issues (and especially those in the career realm) have been related to unawareness of my Aspergers, but I also know that wherever I go, there I am.

      I think I’ve always been masking and trying to be “normal”. Now I understand why I am not, but really can do nothing about it. : /

      2. Adult Autism Diagnosis*

        Hi Hunnybee. Thank you for the response. Your last line really sums up why I am unsure about getting tested. My OCPD is treatable to help me manage it, but autism is not something that you treat. Am I going to just feel like I am spinning my wheels more. But your thoughts have been great. Thank you.

    2. Princess Deviant*

      Diagnosed autistic at age 46, about a year and a half ago.
      In last week’s open thread, Melody Pond asked about lounge wear and some of the responses talk about autism as well, which you might find helpful.
      It was 100% worth it for me.
      I actually asked a similar question on here about 3 years ago and because of people’s answers I did go for it and ask for a diagnosis.
      For me, it’s helped me understand myself more and I’ve realised how much I’ve masked throughout my life. I’m just understanding myself right now. It’s a mixture of profound grief that it was diagnosed so late, and joy at finally being me.
      I don’t know where you’re from. In the US I’d imagine you’d have to pay for the diagnosis, and that might factor into your considerations for getting it. However, for me, like I said I didn’t think it’d make much of a difference but I didn’t know how much of a difference it was possible to make UNTIL I’d got it, and so it was absolutely worth it for me.

      1. Adult Autism Diagnosis*

        Thank you for responding! I’ll check out that thread, thank you.

        That is a wonderful response. I think that makes me want to look into it more. I’m an American living in Australia, so I don’t know if I’ll have to pay for it here or not. I’m sure I will though and that is a large part of why I want to know if it is worth it. Thank you so much!

      2. Melody Pond*

        *waves at Princess Deviant* :)

        @OP – my diagnosis is less than two weeks old, so it’s hard to say yet whether it’s worth it. But I think it probably will be. Even though it really felt like ASD was the most likely answer, it’s harder to give in to imposter syndrome with the formal diagnosis (though not impossible, mind you). One of the reasons I did want the formal diagnosis, is because it helps with requesting accommodations through the ADA – for example, the doctor who diagnosed me, noted in my report that I should be allowed to work from home to the extent it’s appropriate for my job duties.

        Self diagnosis IS considered valid within the autistic community, though, because at least in the US, getting a formal evaluation is super expensive. And my spouse and I saw a big benefit before I got the final diagnosis, just from approaching everything as if I were autistic. There are books and support groups that you can likely access with just self-diagnosis, not to mention tons of youtube videos.

        1. Princess Deviant*

          waves back! Hi!

          One of the reasons I did want the formal diagnosis, is because it helps with requesting accommodations through the ADA – for example, the doctor who diagnosed me, noted in my report that I should be allowed to work from home to the extent it’s appropriate for my job duties… I saw a big benefit before I got the final diagnosis, just from approaching everything as if I were autistic.

          Yes! To all of this.

    3. Princess Deviant*

      Ah man I wrote a really long answer and I think it’s gone into moderation(at least, I hope it has and it hasn’t been lost!)
      Tl,dr: yeah it’s 100% worth it.

      1. Hunnybee*

        For the OP: there are some pretty decent online Autism tests if you are curious to go down that path. A reader of AAM posted this one recently in an open thread: https://aspietests.org/

        PS: Great to see you here, Princess Deviant!!! : ) Mine end up in moderation all the time (sorry, Alison). Too many long, heartfelt responses hahah

        2. Adult Autism Diagnosis*

          I took a test a few days ago that told me it was likely, but it wasn’t this one. I’ll take this one now thank you! And all my responses to everyone are going into moderation as well.

          1. Ask a Manager* Post author

            It’s because “autism” triggers the moderation filter in order to stop what is sometimes a huge number of stigmatizing/inaccurate/rules-violating “this sounds like they have autism” comments on every post about anyone with mildly outside-the-norm behavior.

    4. Hunnybee*

      I also just want to mention that although this is a work-related blog, I’ve noticed that AAM has kind of a sub-group of readers who post comments about aspergers / autism / adhd in the open threads and comments. Amazing to find that here, so unexpectedly, and these AAM posts have helped me connect words with feelings around my own diagnosis.

      1. Princess Deviant*

        Yes! Absolutely agree with this! It’s been really helpful just in work situations as well in terms of how to behave and even what to say in certain situations.

      2. Adult Autism Diagnosis*

        I’ve noticed this as well! It was why I decided to post here even though I mostly lurk. I love seeing all the posts from people with such different perspectives.

    5. Punzentraum*

      I’ve been diagnosed 2 years ago now, and it was SO worth it. Key upsides were a) knowing myself better, explaining why I was this way and felt weird etc, as mentioned by others. But also b), this has given me a new toolbox to deal with stress, because I feel that it’s now ok for me to f.ex. leave/avoid that social situation when it gives me overwhelm, instead of forcing myself to ‘stick it out and act like normal people’. So that has straight up made me happier in my day-to-day. And c), it has really helped my relationship with my husband, (who has been super supportive and ken to be informed), because it makes our communication so much better. F.ex, he knows that when he needs me to be especially considerate of his feelings or stress level, it is helpful for him to articulate those feelings or stress level to me, as I am very bad at intuiting them.

      The one thing I would change is how much I communicate about my diagnosis to family and friends, to be honest. If you are pretty good at masking, you’ll just have to defend your diagnosis over and over and over again, it is very tiring (“but surely lots of people don’t like social situations, etc etc”).

      Good luck with whatever you decide!

      1. Adult Autism Diagnosis*

        Thanks for the response. That makes me feel more inclined to try to get tested. I really appreciate the information about your relationship. I strongly believe that if I had not gone on medication for anxiety that helped with my undiagnosed OCPD, my marriage would not have lasted. It’s been 4 years for context but it caused major issues when we moved in forever.

        The information about communicating your diagnosis is helpful. I bet I’ll have some of that if I get diagnosed, but others who would believe me, no questions asked.

      2. J.B.*

        The family stuff is definitely something where my kids are concerned. I’m really happy to see this thread because it helps me think about what my kids are feeling.

    6. Adult Autism Diagnosis*

      Thank you all for the responses. I am an American living in Australia. I am not on the medicare system here though. We might be moving back in 6 months so another consideration is what country to pursue this in if I pursue it.

      It’s interesting to see so far everyone thinks it was worth it.

    7. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Every couple years I ponder whether I want to try to get a diagnosis for my particular brand of neurodivergence, and so far I’ve always decided no — I’ve spent a lifetime of figuring out how to either work around my quirks or make them work for me, and at this point, I think for me it would be more disruptive to my life to start trying to categorize and label them. (I’ve also spent so long working around myself that I’m not sure I’d be able to sufficiently explain where the quirks ARE in order to facilitate getting a diagnosis even if I did want one.)

      But that’s just me, and if having the labels or more concrete knowledge or whatnot would work better for you, best of luck with the process!!

      1. RagingADHD*

        FWIW, with my ADHD dx I didn’t have to explain or pick out anything. I just had to answer pretty easy questions, like “on a scale of 1 to 5, how difficult do you find X” or “Would you say that X happens never, sometimes, often, or very often”

        And then when I had to do some follow up testing at a new doc, there were tasks to do that got measured.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Oh, right on. I’ll keep that in mind next time I start debating – for some reason I’ve always assumed the whole process would start with something like “so why do you think you need to be diagnosed with something? Please be specific enough to be convincing, because you seem pretty damn functional and we are skeptical.” And the more I try to think about it, the less I can actually explain it in real words. :) Thank you for the clarification!

          1. RagingADHD*

            When I went to my GP for the referral, I did mention the things I had read that made me wonder, and we had a conversation about it, but that was just like a regular “what brings you in today / what seems to be bothering you” like you always have at a doctor appointment.

    8. Charlie*

      For me, it’s been really worthwhile to get my autism diagnosis. Having a name for what I am has enabled me to learn about myself, find new ways to help myself, and to find other people like me. I’ve finally found my tribe. You don’t necessarily need it medically confirmed in order to do those things, but I felt more comfortable accepting it after a formal diagnosis. A diagnosis might be needed if you need formal supports like adjustments in the workplace. It’s really improved my confidence now that I have the diagnosis. I used to think I was somehow not as good as other people, but now I know I am just different and that’s not a bad thing. It can also help people around you to be more understanding of your differences, but that’s very dependent on individual attitudes.

      I would suggest continue to learn about autism, make contact with autistic people (perhaps online). If you still feel that you are autistic after that, and you do want it officially confirmed, then a diagnosis could be life-changing for you, in a good way.

    9. Mimmy*

      No advice or experience, but I wanted to commiserate because I too have been going back and forth on seeing if I have it (I’m 48). Definitely check out the link that Melody Pond posted last week (someone posted it above). They have a screening test–it is NOT meant to be diagnostic, but it may give you an idea of whether it’s a possibility.

      I was born with a rare condition that I think may be associated with autistic traits (I’m not saying what my condition is because it may be identifying). I have seen discussions about on a Facebook group of people with this condition wondering if there is a connection. I already have other diagnoses that explain some things, but I have sensory processing issues that I have not figured out (I also have vision and hearing impairments).

      On the one hand, I imagine that having a diagnosis as helpful if you needed certain services, such as Voc Rehab or a specific kind of counselor (not saying that is what you’re seeking, I’m just speaking in general). On the other hand, I was talking with my sister about this a few years ago and having that “label” could also be a hindrance since there may be limited understanding of autism. I will say that I think understanding has greatly improved since I first heard about it when Rainman came out.

      I know I’m probably not helping, lol, but I think everyone else in this thread have provided excellent insight. I will definitely be following along.

    10. Suprisingly ADHD*

      Getting an “official” diagnosis from a doctor can help you get accommodations at work or school. It can also help your therapists or any specialists you’re seeing point you to resources or strategies. It can also be a relief to have someone “professional” say you’re right, you DO experience this! However, it can be expensive, depending on where you are and what your healthcare looks like, and it can also be very frustrating if you end up having to deal with a medical professional who refuses to listen.

      A self-diagnosis is perfectly valid, if it gives you the vocabulary to describe what you’re experiencing. It can help you look for ideas on how to handle specific issues you are facing, when you have words to describe your difficulties.

      You mentioned that you suspected you had ADHD, but ruled it out. There is a lot of overlap in symptoms between ADHD and Autism, so it’s quite possible you do in fact have Autism.

      I wish you the best of luck as you figure out your specific brand of neurodivergence!

    11. Olivia Oil*

      Not the person you are primarily directing your question at, but I recently got dxed with ADHD as an adult. Before my diagnosis, I sometimes wondered if I had autism. When I realized I had ADHD, it explained a lot of my traits I thought was autism. That being said, I still sometimes wonder if I’m on the spectrum but have decided it’s not worth pursuing a diagnosis because there is no material benefit to doing so at this time. There is so much unknowns about autism in adults and adult women, and no real treatments in the form of therapy or medication. So it just doesn’t seem worth it.

      1. Generic Name*

        ADHD and autism often occur together in the same person. My son was diagnosed with ADHD at like 7, and while the treatment helped, it wasn’t until he was diagnosed as autistic that I felt like all the pieces of the puzzle finally fell into place.

    12. Cat*

      Whether professional diagnosis is worth it often comes down to how much one needs access to services and accommodations. If you’ve done your research and suspect you may be autistic, self diagnosis is valid (many people struggle to get a formal diagnosis who don’t fit the stereotypes) and you can participate in the autistic community.

  5. Never Wake a Sleeping Baby*

    I have a three month old daughter who moves a lot in her sleep (kicking, arms waving, head turning). It’s my understanding that that’s pretty normal (mentioned it to the doctor, and the response was pretty much yeah, they do that), but I’m wondering about one thing. In the morning, I find that she has rotated herself about 90 degrees, from lying lengthwise in the crib to being almost fully crosswise. Has anyone else experienced this with their child? I’m concerned that at some point she’s going to start bashing her head into the bars of the crib and waking herself up!

    1. Never Wake a Sleeping Baby*

      P.S. – I have a ton of questions in general about sleep. If anyone has worked with a baby sleep specialist, I’d love a recommendation. My doctor had none.

    2. LadyJ*

      My son did that and suffered no real issues. I know it concerned me that I decided to call upon my granny and she said oh hun you did the same. As for waking up that depends on the kiddo. My son never did but I know my half-sisters baby did.

    3. Sunbonnet Sue*

      My daughter, now 10 months old, 100% did this in her early months in the bassinet. Rather than wake her up, it seemed she was ok or was even comforted with her forehead touching the sides a bit. Now that she’s older, bigger, and sleeping in a crib, there’s less rotation but she in definitely still moves quite a bit. Remember, your daughter has only been earth-side for three months. I promise she’ll get the hang of it, and so will you. Good luck!

    4. Just a person*

      Oh yes. All the time. My daughter is 17 months. Her favourite sleeping position is with her head crammed into the corner. She still sometimes sleeps sideways despite being to long for it. I don’t think you will have a problem with her waking herself up. If she does, she’ll only do it for a night or two before she realises that isn’t nice.

    5. RagingADHD*

      Completely normal. They migrate all around. She might bump up against the rails, but is unlikely to bash them hard. She’s just ooching gradually.

    6. Might Be Spam*

      Both of my babies did the same thing. They wore sleeper-sacks, which are basically a bag with sleeves and we couldn’t figure out how they did it.

    7. Never Nicky*

      I was (still am, at 52) a wriggly sleeper. My mum tells me I’d often turn myself sideways or even 180 degrees and she’d find me with my head buried under the covers.
      I don’t remember hurting myself, even when my sister and I had bunk beds and I was in the top one.
      I still tend to sprawl diagonally across the bed!

      1. Cookie*

        Me too – my first thought was “oh, I do that now!” It’s one of the reasons I like living alone…more room to sleep diagonally. Sometimes I wake up much nearer the foot of the bed than where I started, too.

    8. Pregnant during COVID*

      Totally normal! My daughter still does this at 9 months, now in her crib. As sunbonnet sue said, I think she likes the feel of the sides of the bassinet and crib on her forehead. My older daughter also sleeps sideways (and sometimes head and torso on the bed, legs completely dangling off) at 5 years old.

    9. Nancy in Scotland*

      Both of mine did that! They typically rotated round the cot, but quite often I’d find them squished up in a corner, too. They both wore these little sleeping bags, so at least they were still covered up.

    10. Papillon Celeste*

      My nephew did that a lot! Sometimes you could stand besides his crib and watch him rotating as if he was break-dancing in his sleep!
      My sister bought some padding especially designed for baby beds so he wouldn’t ding his head on the sides.
      The fact that such products exist in many varieties hints that this isn’t an uncommon phenomenon.

      1. HannahS*

        Hahaha yes, I also have a three month old and she does that. She also sticks her feet between the crib bars and wakes herself up when she can’t scooch away.

        Just make sure that if you’re using a vintage or second-hand crib, that it meets safety requirements for the distance between crib bars so that its it’s impossible for her to get her head stuck.

      2. PostalMixup*

        Yes, but also crib bumpers are not considered safe for infant sleep. There’s no real need for them, and they can cause suffocation.

    11. Legalchef*

      Yup, my son was a crib traveler too. Obv the full on padded bumpers are unsafe, but they also sell mesh bumpers that provide a little padding but are breathable (both my sons pediatrician as well as my pediatrician parent said they were safe), and that helped him from getting his little limbs caught in the crib slats.

    12. The OG Sleepless*

      Dave Barry wrote that that is why you keep babies in a crib, because otherwise they’d be miles away by morning.

    13. The Cosmic Avenger*

      When our kid was little we coslept, and we used to joke that we’d wake up forming the letter “H”! The kid’s feet were always dug into someone’s front or back, and their head butting into the other one! We didn’t notice any tendency to do this in the crib or toddler bed, though.

    14. Lizy*

      Only 90 degrees? My kids would full-on 180 or 360. As for hurting themselves, my youngest (18mon) will sit up and SLAM his head down. On my head. And then just continue sleeping. Good times.

    15. Enough*

      All 3 of my children did this even after going to regular beds. I even have picture. Including one where my older daughter has her feet on the floor and my so has the bottom part of his leg between the bed and the wall. They seemed to have all survived. They are one 36, 32, and 26.

      1. Rebecca Stewart*

        When we transitioned my kids out of a crib it was to a twin mattress placed on the floor. My family was horrified, but it meant I never woke to a kid who had fallen out of bed and scared themselves out of going back to sleep for the next two hours. After all, you can’t fall off the floor. When he was sleeping on the long axis of the mattress on a regular basis, I put a bed frame underneath it, no problem. They are 26 and 22 now and just fine.

    16. The Dogman*

      I was found with my legs up the wall in a sitting position but on my back a number of times as a baby and small child, so I would suspect, given what my friends say about their kids it is pretty normal really.

    17. Jay*

      Totally normal. Mine did that well into childhood to the point where I refused to share a bed with her when we traveled. She stayed in her crib until she was 2.5 and never banged her head that I know of.

    18. Theatre girl in an office world*

      My daughter would intentionally skootch herself around so that her forehead was pressed up against the bars. In exactly the same way her forehead was pressed up against my ribs for the last several months. She never turned and ended up with an indent in her forehead from my ribs when she was born (that went away quickly).

      Even if she is wiggling to the sides, it is unlikely to have enough momentum to be a bash. It sounds like she is a pretty good sleeper so she may already have the self sooth back to sleep thing down.

      1. Theatre girl in an office world*

        heh, also, kids can sleep through a lot, one time visiting my sister I fell out of the top bunk onto a concrete floor. I woke up on the way down (clear memory of sailing past the lower bunk) but was asleep by the time I landed. No injuries because I was so asleep and relaxed and just went to sleep on the floor until my mom freaked out thinking I was knocked out.

        1. The OG Sleepless*

          My son climbed out of the crib and landed with a giant KABOOM on the floor directly above my head. He was a big kid…he was about 18 months and I think he weighed about 35#. He had gone back to sleep by the time I raced up the stairs.

    19. Never Wake a Sleeping Baby*

      Thanks all for the reassurance! It’s good to know that it’s unlikely to be a problem. Though if I’d known at the beginning that this would be a thing, I’d have gotten a mesh-sided crib. :)

      Also – I posted this as a reply at the beginning, but it didn’t ever show up – any recommendations for a good online baby advice community where I can post more questions like this? The ones I’ve seen, I’ve found it kind of complicated to navigate, and as you might guess I’m not exactly awash in free time these days (and my brain isn’t exactly functioning at 100%!). :)

      1. Pregnant during COVID*

        I’ve found Facebook groups the most active and helpful. I’m in mostly local ones and some National/international ones for things like sleep advice and eating solids. The sleep one is called Baby Sleep Help-Respectful Learning & Training.

      2. Fellow Traveller*

        I like corporettemoms. I find the parents who post there are generally pretty thoughtful and well read. It is a certain demographic, though… mostly white collar working moms, though definitely not all.

      3. safesleep*

        I know you’ve received a lot of great answers here but I just want to note that any bumpers are unsafe – padded or mesh. There is a suffocation hazard but also strangulation (there are several prominent stories of babies getting tangled up in them) or as your baby gets older, they can use them as leverage to tip themselves out of the crib. It’s not nice but definitely something to keep in mind! :)

    20. HBJ*

      My kids at every age have done this sort of thing. They’re not going to suffer any lasting harm. They’ve been mashed up in the corners of pack n’ plays and had mesh imprints left on their faces, they’ve had one arm stuck up behind them against said pack n’ play wall. Once they were on mattresses on the floor, they’d be sleeping with just their or just their feet on the mattress and the rest on the floor. It doesn’t matter.

  6. Free Meerkats*

    Anyone else following the Sail GP series?

    How will Japan do with Great Britain’s hulls and their wing and foils?

  7. Dark Macadamia*

    Christmas desserts – whatcha making/hoping someone else will make?

    I’ve made 3 kinds of cookies and plan to do 1-2 more, but I’m trying to decide on a good “main” dessert to bring to dinner. Right now I’m thinking berry pie (my favorite and we didn’t have it at Thanksgiving this year) or some kind of cheesecake (I just got an Instant Pot and apparently you can make them in there!). I have a feeling I’ll be bringing a store-bought pie after my attempts at homemade pie or cheesecake go awry.

    1. banoffee pie*

      Berry pie? Sounds nice, what type of berries? When I make cheesecake I always make Baileys flavour, with enough Baileys to knock people out hehe. It doesn’t need to be cooked though, it isn’t one of those baked cheesecakes. Just a fridge one.

      I just made my Christmas cake and Christmas pudding last week, which was a bit late. You’ve reminded me I have to feed the cake with brandy again; thanks!

      1. Dark Macadamia*

        Marionberry/blackberry! Bailey’s cheesecake sounds fantastic, I just had some Bailey’s in my cocoa this evening :)

      2. Princess Deviant*

        Whenever anyone mentions Baileys, I think of my dear nana who thought the cream would go off and so drank a whole bottle in 3 days.

        1. Quiet Liberal*

          Even though I know the cream won’t go bad in Bailey’s, I can still drink a bottle on the rocks in three days. ;) (not that I would, but it is yummy stuff)

      3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I love fridge cheesecakes and Baileys, and yesterday was my birthday, so, uh, recipe please? :)

        1. banoffee pie*

          No problem! I can’t claim the credit for this, my friend made it up (or claimed to). She would be really pleased to think the recipe is travelling to the US ;)
          This makes a LOT so I often halve it. It’s in metric, hope that’s ok. I don’t understand cups, sorry lol.

          For the base:
          340g digestive biscuits (you would use graham crackers, maybe?)
          170g butter, melted
          Crush the biscuits and mix with melted butter and put in a pie dish

          For the topping:
          In one bowl, whip 426ml double cream (google tells me you call this heavy or whipping cream, but double cream is a bit thicker)
          In another bowl, mix 454g confectioner’s sugar with 454g cream cheese (I use Philadelpia). Add 142ml Baileys (I use a little more). Fold in cream. Pour over base and chill overnight.

          It’s my favourite cheesecake ever. I hope you like it :)

          1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            I believe I have almost all of that already, so I will give it a whack tonight — thank you!

        1. PollyQ*

          * If you’re using the JofC recipe, use the largest amount of eggs & cocoa indicated in the recipe.
          * Grease the pan, line with parchment or wax paper, then grease & flour (or use cocoa powder).
          * Be careful not to overcook, or they’ll break while you’re rolling them.
          * Trim off any crispy edges before rolling.
          * Try to use a low-fuzz towel for the rolling to avoid sticking, and powder it generously with confectioner’s sugar, then also powder the top of the cake.
          * Move quickly once they’re out of the oven. The heat & steam that they have in them at point is what gives them the flexibility to roll up.
          * Let the cake cool while it’s rolled up for a while. We tend to fill & frost pretty much right before serving.
          * Even ones that don’t come out as a perfect spiral (srsly, even when it’s just a stack) are still pretty dang tasty, so don’t sweat it if they don’t look like Martha Stewart made them.

          Good luck!

    3. AcademiaNut*

      My Christmas dessert is something between tiramisu and a trifle.

      Soak lady fingers in sweetened almond milk, and layer in a pan. Whip 1 cup whipping cream. Beat 1L marscapone cheese with about 1/4 cup hazelnut syrup until well mixed, then fold in the whipped cream. Layer this over the lady fingers. Sprinkle whole blue berries (or other berry of choice). When you serve it drizzle with lemon syrup (made by heating 1/2 cup lemon juice, the zest from the lemons and 1/2 cup water until the sugar dissolves).

      It tastes fluffy and light, but is quite rich.

    4. Bazza7*

      Apparently you can make pavlova in an air fryer! So I will be doing a test run this weekend, to see if you get more crunchy bits then store bought pavlova. Will be using the recipe from taste.com.au.

    5. Sleeping Late Every Day*

      Probably just cookies. I’m getting lazier about holidays with each year. I’ve made molasses spice bars, fruity honey bars, Cherry Winks (need to make another batch!), and streusel-topped fig triangles that turned out better than expected. I’d love to get some Walker’s mincemeat pies, but I hate going to another store for one item. Maybe the fig ones are close enough.

    6. Weegie*

      I’m making Nanaimo bars for all my friends. Nobody actually demands them, but their eyes light up if I suggest I might make some. They go down a storm, every time.

    7. Missb*

      This old gal’s New York style cheesecake is a good option for a first time instant pot cheesecake. Just Google her up. I’ve made it multiple times. It has a very forgiving top to it.

      I have no idea what I will be making. Maybe cheesecake!

    8. Loopy*

      My husbands birthday is the 19th so his cake always ends up impacting how much Christmas baking I can do. Not much time off this Christmas season either- but I’ll be darned if I don’t get some gingerbread something in!! Molasses and ginger/nutmeg/cinnamon is my favorite holiday flavor combo and I have had ANY this year.

      Probably will go back to a favorite gingerbread cupcakes with browned butter frosting. They are just so good. Maybe I’ll have time to try a new cookie recipe. Maybe.

    9. Hornets*

      Making coffee snickerdoodle cookies, pear dark gingerbread, and cream puffs! Have no idea what else we’re going to eat and I don’t care.

    10. Falling Diphthong*

      Oldest is into baking, huzzah when I don’t have the energy to do everything. The last few years she’s made a gingerbread house. (Atop a sticky ginger cake, nod to Candice on GBBO.) This year she is contemplating a yule log and almond cake. Her brother is allergic to dairy now, so she’s working on how to adapt recipes to that.

    11. Colette*

      Here’s a baked cheesecake recipe I like – a graham cracker or oreo cookie crust with 3/4 of a can of pie filling
      on it (baked at 350 for 15 minutes) and then the filling – 2 pkgs of cream cheese, 1 cup sugar, 2 cups of sour cream, 3 eggs, 1.5 tsp vanilla. Mix and put on top of the crust, add the rest of the pill filling and use a knife to mix it in in swirls. Bake 1 hour (it’s usually done in an hour with convection bake, probably closer to 22 hours without. If the middle is jiggly, bake longer.)

    12. Thorswolf*

      I’m making a bunch of cookies, fudge and other candies with my wife. They’re mostly being gifts for our friends. I’m definitely making ginger snaps, Mexican wedding cookies, Zelda sugar cookie cutouts, a cherry almond cookie and maybe a batch of raspberry thumbprints. We’re making a snickerdoodle fudge along with the maple walnut and rocky road fudge that I found a microwavable recipe for. We’ll probably also be making peppermint bark and peanut butter balls but I don’t know if we’ll do hot cocoa bombs this year. Depends on how much time my wife wants to spend on tempering chocolate.

    13. Hotdog not dog*

      Rum cake…if I don’t make one I’ll probably be disinvited to any future gatherings. It’s a recipe from an old bacardi ad from the 80s.

      1. A313*

        Yes, to the Bacardi rum cake! Not only is it delicious, it reminds me of my Aunt Nancy, whom I remember making it for Christmas when I was a kid, and that makes me happily nostalgic.

    14. SpellingBee*

      I made 2 pies for Thanksgiving and decided to go with cake for Christmas, so I’m making David Liebovitz’s double chocolate Bundt cake. It’s one of my favorites, easy and delicious. For years I’ve been coveting the swirly Nordicware pan that he shows it made in, and I finally took the plunge and bought it as a little gift to myself. So pretty!

      1. Dark Macadamia*

        Nice! I did a peppermint chocolate bundt in my Nordicware tree pan a couple years ago, their stuff is so cute. I’m hoping Santa will bring me the pretty shortbread pan this year :)

    16. Cookie*

      I’m on the fence, brownies for my partner or bourbon balls for me. Don’t say “both,” I’m already well stocked with cookies as it is.

      I’m dropping off something to a friend next week. Maybe a carrot cake as it’s his favorite. He wanted to have a little house party and I’m changing my RSVP but still bringing dessert.

      @Dark Macadamia, if you want advice on making a pie, let me know…I am pretty good at that and I’ll be happy to share tips.

    17. Lissajous*

      Just made gingerbread and whisky in lieu of rum balls today (using some of the gingerbread as the biscuit component in the whisky balls; it’s a good combo, especially if the gingerbread is nice and spicy).

      Seriously looking at making a cherry and gingerbread bombe Alaska that I spotted in gourmet traveller last weekend. It’s a lot of components but almost all of them can be done ahead… already picked up the ice cream machine from my parents so I can do the cherry sorbet and cherry semifreddo. And a couple of jars of cherries in amaretto to use in said sorbet and semifreddo.
      Worst case I just end up with tasty components and it gets presented Eton mess style!

    18. Reba*

      I made fruitcake for the first time. This is not like a tradition in my family, I was just looking for a project to try. The one 9-inch cake is comically heavy. I made some mini loaves for gifts and each is almost 2 pounds!

      Usually I head up the pies but I’m kind of hoping to get a pass this year.

    19. Chauncy Gardener*

      Making the apple fritter cake from the last King Arthur Flour catalogue. Made it for one of the Thanksgiving desserts and it was a huge hit, so doing it again. It was SO good! Also just tried the recipe for the Rosa Franklin cookie. It’s an easy meringue cookie with chopped pecans. Totally addictive!

    20. Elle Woods*

      Some years we’ve had gingerbread trifle (soft gingerbread cake with vanilla pudding and toffee bits); other years we’ve had rice pudding. Our all-time favorite was candy cane pie, which we used to pick up from a local restaurant. Unfortunately, that restaurant is no longer in business, so I’m going to *try* and replicate their pie for the holidays. Fingers crossed it works out.

    21. Lady Danbury*

      I made soft ginger cookies and sugar cookies. They’re currently chilling in the freezer (literally) waiting to be baked on Christmas Eve. I also ordered a pan of bourbon bread pudding and cherry nut cake for my mom. May also order one other dessert.

    22. The Other Dawn*

      I’m waiting on my sister to let me know if she’s having Christmas breakfast or Christmas dinner. If it’s dinner, I plan to make chocolate cream pie. I use the King Arthur Flour recipe and it’s to die for! I use Ghirardelli 60% bittersweet chocolate chips to make the pudding. I don’t know if I’ll make a homemade pie crust, though–it depends if my food processor will cooperate.

    23. Theatre girl in an office world*

      You can make instant pot cheesecake although I had a hard time finding a small enough spring-form. And get HEAVY duty foil to wrap it. I make cheesecake cups in canning jars in the instant pot when I want cheesecake with less prep and presentation. Not as pretty but super fast.

      I’m making an apple pie and my daughter is baking several kinds of cookies (she is 17 and I never know what she is going to bake, but she bakes a LOT) Probably will either make a flan or a cheesecake.

    24. Bluebell*

      Not exactly a Christmas dessert, but an ex-roomie delivers a spectacular box of cookies every December. It’s always great to open the box, and pick out my favorites. She makes about 20 varieties, and this year we spent some time chatting on our porch, and it was lovely to see her in person. They include maple bears w tiny candy eyes, fudge, chocolate pinwheels, and macadamia meltaways. Yum!

    25. Girasol*

      Filled cookies with orange raisin filling for him, shortbread for me (because good coffee with some shortbread is my idea of total decadence), and a Yule log icebox cake (chocolate wafers with coffee whipped cream, cocoa for the bark, and some fondant mushrooms).

    27. Rara Avis*

      Sometimes my mom makes a Yule log — delicious, but a ton of work. My dad’s birthday is the 24th so I will probably put my daughter in charge of cake for her Zaida.

    28. Artemesia*

      vacillating between a lemon meringue pie and a souffle. For New Year’s Eve am trying out the new raclette grill with friends (it is a great meal with vegetarian guests that requires no special extra dish — they just choose potatoes and steamed veggies for their cheese drench and those who want meat add the charcuterie — one of our Jewish friends doesn’t eat pork and so we can also keep pork and non pork charcuterie segregated). Since I am doing the whole meal which will also include appetizers and salad, I think I may just go with good ice cream and cookies for dessert — Graeters.

    29. Missb*

      Other than a cheesecake or a chocolate chunk pecan pie for the actual dessert, I’m making:

      Toffee with almonds, peanut butter cookies with kisses, Mexican wedding cookies with mini chocolate chips, frosted sugar cookies, and probably some orange basil biscotti. Some of that will be gifted (toffee, biscotti).

    1. Seal*

      That picture is striking – he looks so serious! I’m also partial to black cats, as I have a lanky shorthair who’s an acrobat and lovable troublemaker. He always looks like he’s plotting something in most of the pictures I have of him.

  10. Jackalope*

    So what’s everyone reading this week? Anything interesting? Any good recommendations, or anyone looking for something specific to read?

    This week and next week are super crazy so I haven’t gotten much reading in, but starting next Friday I’m off until January so I got a huge stack of books from the library and I’m going to start working through them as soon as I’m off.

    1. Dark Macadamia*

      Just read “We Run the Tides” a week or so ago, it was excellent! I need 3 more books to meet my 2021 goal so I browsed the currently-available section of my library’s audiobooks and settled on “The Alice Network” which I’m enjoying. I’m also determined to finish “The Tenant of Wildfell Hall” – I started months ago and keep wandering away from because apparently I’m just not a Bronte girl.

      1. LittleBabyDamien*

        I find it is a different skill set to read 18th or 19th century literature, but I like to give it a try now and then. It took me about a year to read Henry Fielding’s The History of Tom Jones, a Foundling, because the style of writing is so slow moving. The novel is written as a series of 18 shorter ‘books’, each starting with a chapter that tells you what that book is about and who features in it, with the narrator very much visible and addressing the reader directly.
        It is interesting to read an early novel, then something slightly newer, say late 19th century, then something very early 20th. I see patterns and styles in writing more clearly when I can compare such widely differing novels.

        1. Cookie*

          I’m in a classic literature book club and I find it’s much easier to read when I know the group will be discussing it. For what it’s worth!

            1. Blue Eagle*

              Has anyone read Ninth House by Leigh Bardugo? I just started into it and I’m not really sure what to make of it. I’d like to hear what others think of it.

              1. Jackalope*

                I read it and ended up really enjoying it. Caveat that fantasy is my favorite genre so it was likely to be my style. But I too was a bit iffy at the beginning so I’d say keep going for a bit if you’re on the fence about it. I ended up enjoying the main character a lot; she starts off seeming like a bit of a punk but by the end she is very sympathetic and I totally appreciated how she got to where she was. Plus I enjoyed the twists and turns of the story.

                The one downside is that it’s the first book of a series and the only one that’s been published yet.

        2. Dark Macadamia*

          Yeah, I enjoy them sometimes but my pandemic brain just doesn’t have the stamina for books that take effort right now. This is the first year that more than half my books have been audio!

          There was a section of this one where she’s describing an unwanted suitor and it’s such a perfect illustration of mansplaining that I was laughing out loud. Now I’m several chapters into her loooong lament of her terrible marriage and it’s just not doing much for me

      2. GoryDetails*

        Re Tenant of Wildfell Hall – I don’t know if this would help, but there’s an excellent audiobook version read by Alex Jennings and Jenny Agutter. (I’d never really gotten into that one until I tried the audiobook, FWIW. And it’s definitely a book that I couldn’t have enjoyed when I was young; once I had a few decades of experience under my belt it was a much more impressive story!)

        1. Dark Macadamia*

          I should’ve done that! I’ve been listening to tons of audiobooks this year, which is one of the reasons I’m not coming back to this one as often

    2. Not Australian*

      I’m reading a biography of Bonnie Prince Charlie. I read mostly non-fiction/history anyway and he’s one of those figures a lot of people *think* they know something about (like Queen Victoria or Henry VIII) but when you dig a little deeper the truth is even more fascinating than the legend.

      As for recommendations, I’m happily working my way through Claire T0malin’s literary biographies, any one of which I recommend without reservation – Charles Dickens, Thomas Hardy, Jane Austen, Samuel Pepys etc. Haven’t managed to get hold of her Shelley book yet, though, and there is one about H.G. Wells which has only just been published…

      2. fposte*

        I recently went down an internet hole on BPC’s later life; by my quick read it was sufficiently tawdry and unimpressive that I thought it was probably just as well he hadn’t been in charge of the country (as opposed to his father, who seemed to handle exile rather well). Am I judging too harshly, from what you read?

        1. Richard Hershberger*

          None of the Stuarts were actually good at ruling the country. The ones that look OK are being graded on a curve. I don’t know enough Scots history to judge the ones before James I/VI.

          1. fposte*

            I kind of like Charles II, who made a reasonable go of it in a terrible position, but otherwise I’m not a huge fan myself. But the Old Pretender seems to have done a fairly decent job of civilization in exile, which is also tough to pull off.

    3. Never Nicky*

      I’m currently reading a true life account of a Victorian murder, and then Richard Osman’s second book in the Thursday Murder Club series.

      1. JustForThis*

        I’ve bought the first one last week after reading the weekend thread, and I’m much looking forward to reading it.

    4. JustForThis*

      Someone in an open thread a while ago mentioned Rosemary Kirstein’s _The Steerswoman_, and I’ve read the first one and am in the middle of the second one and am enjoying them immensely. Clever, capable protagonists, many of them women, and an interesting world. One of the protagonists stumbles across objects that pose a riddle to how they think about their world, and to me it is an fascinating twist that we as readers may develop some advanced guesses based on our own world knowledge while the protagonists bring other ideas and approaches to the conundrum. Caveat: At least the first book does not really work as as standalone novel, too many central plot questions remain unexplained at the end.

      1. CU Tiger*

        I love the Steerswoman series. I sure wish she would finish it…it has been years so have been waiting.

        1. JustForThis*

          For some reason I thought the four published books were a complete series. Thank you for the heads-up!

    5. usernames are anonymous*

      Midnight Library by Matt Haig – one of my best impulse buys. I picked it up at the airport a couple of months ago only because I need a 2nd book to get a discount. Was disappointed with the Jack Reacher novel I got at the same time.

    6. J.B.*

      Our library has a recommendation form where you put in what you like, and I was reminded of Laurie R Kings Holmes and Russell series and am working my way through the series.

      1. tiredlibrarian*

        I love this series! Though lately I feel it’s gotten a bit stale — I should probably re-read from the beginning ’cause I’m sure I’m losing track of threads weaving through the later books.

    7. Foreign Octopus*

      I’m about 30 pages in to In Cold Blood, by Truman Capote and it seems like it’s going to be a good read so far.

      I’ve also given up on my Goodreads challenge. I wanted to read 52 books this year with an intention of one book a week but life got busy and that fell by the wayside; I’ve managed to do 44 but I realised I was just reading for the sake of reading and not actually enjoying the books so I’ve decided to jack it in.

      1. JustForThis*

        That seems like such a good decision! The joy rather than the job of reading :) Have fun with Capote!

      2. Falling Diphthong*

        Years back NPR had an interview with someone who revealed the secret to his reading: he put down books that didn’t hold his interest. And I realized that I could do this too–that starting the book did not obligate me to finish it. I finish most books I start, but have gotten pretty good about “You know, you’re dragging yourself back to this thing because you think you should like it” and sending it back to the library or to the book exchange.

        Honestly life-changing.

        1. The Dogman*

          I am like that but on steroids lol… if I am not gripped by the end of page 1 I put the book in the “never ever” pile and give it away.

          If someone really recommends a book that “doesn’t get going until page ‘X’ ” I don’t even pick it up, honestly if the author cannot be bothered to be interesting off the bat I can’t be bother giving them my time!

        2. Texas Rose*

          Remember, you can also skip ahead.

          You can even skip to the last 20 pages to decide whether you want to go back and wade through the rest of the story. (No this isn’t cheating; it’s an effective use of your time.)

      3. AY*

        I have been setting my Goodreads goals at pretty low levels for a few years now for this exact reason. I never want to feel like I need to or have to read or that I shouldn’t read a big chonker because I need to hit my goal. I think this year my goal was 30.

        2. Jamie Starr*

          I have several lengthy books I want to read (like 500-600 pages plus) and I know it will take me awhile to get through them, so while my 2022 Goodreads book goal might end up lower, I’m going to try to read the same number of pages (which are shown in book stats). I wish Goodreads offered a page challenge instead of just books. I can knock out a 300 page fiction book in a few days if I like it, whereas a critical theory book of the same size takes me considerably longer even if I like it. It just requires more focus from me; and I mostly read on the subway where it can be hard to concentrate on more “academic” writing.

      4. Richard Hershberger*

        Using “books read” as a numerator for the challenge is inherently flawed. A “book” can be a few hours diversion, while a different “book” might be a subject of weeks of study. This is not a matter merely of word count, but that certainly is a big part of it.

    8. Dino*

      I picked up “Outlaw” by Anna North for a friend’s holiday present, then bought myself a copy! I haven’t had a chance to crack it open this week but I’m looking forward to diving in this weekend.

    9. Falling Diphthong*

      Based on recommendations here:

      Just finished A Deadly Education by Naomi Novik, about a wizard school that is safe only in the sense that the odds of coming out alive are better than if you hit magical puberty in the outside world. Our heroine is well-designed to be a dark sorceress but stubbornly resisting that. As it went on it became a pretty explicit examination of privilege, which I found compelling and has caused it to really stay with me. I was definitely feeling some stress on behalf of the constant vigilance needed against a range of monsters which keep picking off your classmates, while being aware it worked well as a metaphor for regular high school.

      Currently reading Clockwork Boys by T. Kingfisher, in which we go on a quest! To try to figure out how to stop the giant mechanical monsters launched by the neighboring kingdom, or–far more likely–die trying. Three middle-aged people who banter, and also there is a teenage scholar they largely ignore so far.

    10. CreepyPaper*

      Seven Pillars of Wisdom by T.E. Lawrence.

      A friend of mine mentioned to me that her friend had heard from ANOTHER friend that it was one of those ‘must read’ books.

      I’m on the fence about that. It’s interesting but I’m finding it hard going and not sure why – could just be a bad mood this week or it might be something about the actual writing itself. Kind of want to give up and just rewatch Lawrence of Arabia again but also kind of want to finish it!

      1. The Dogman*

        I gave up on that one… his writing is awful, far too flowery and impenetrable for me, and I like “wordy” authors.

        Apparently the man himself wanted it to never be published (at least that is one rumour about it!) so perhaps he too thought it too flowery…

        1. CreepyPaper*

          Flowery is the perfect way to describe it! I couldn’t think of the word.

          I’ll see if I can read a bit more tonight and tomorrow but my husband asked me earlier if I was going to finish it or, and I quote, ‘give up and watch the film’.

          If I quit I’ve got a ton of Agatha Christie waiting to be read! Might be easier on the brain…

          1. The Dogman*

            I would go with the Agatha Christie personally… you might as well enjoy what you read for leisure at least!

            And honestly the Wikipedia page on T E Lawrence is more than interesting, and a much quicker and easier read…

          2. UKDancer*

            I have found Agatha Christie very comforting in lockdown. There’s something soothing about the fact the murderer gets caught and punished and order is restored by the end. Her book have dated in some ways but they’re like comfort food to me.

            1. Chauncy Gardener*

              I adore Agatha Christie. I’ve found her comforting during this pandemic as well! The Secret of Chimneys, Cat Among the Pigeons, the Mystery on the Blue Train….I think I’ll read them all again!

              1. UKDancer*

                I was rereading the Murder of Roger Ackroyd last week. I still think it’s really clever and even though I know the twist, I still like the way the book was constructed.

            2. Anonymous Luddite*

              Her books have dated in some ways… Understatement, my friend.
              I just finished “and then there were none” – previously published as “ten little indians” previously published as “ten little oh yes, she went there.”
              Deeply amused that they’ve changed the title and central metaphor /twice/ but still have no problem leaving in all the anti-semetic stereotypes and tropes. Ah, publishing.

    11. Jay*

      I’m listening to “The Splendid and the Vile,” Eric Larson’s book about Winston Churchill and the early days of WWII. Love a narrator with a British accent. It’s long and I’ve been listening while I drive, so I’ve been listening to it for months. Now less than two hours from the end and we’ve reached the spring of 1941. I’ve learned a lot and really enjoy it.

      Actual books: I’m working my way through S J Rozan’s Lydia Chin/Bill Smith series and recently finished “A Bitter Feast.” “Stone Quarry” is next – probably will start today. I’ll be following this thread for more ideas to add to my pile!

      1. Jamie Starr*

        I read that a few years ago and really liked it. My neighbor always has ARC that she leaves in our building lobby, so I snagged that. I’d previously read his “The Devil in the White City.” I started reading “In the Garden of Beasts” (set in 1933 Berlin as Hitler comes to power) in Feb. 2020 and as COVID and lockdown happened I realized I did not have the mental energy to focus on it. Maybe I will give it a try in 2022.

    12. GoryDetails*

      Some good seasonal reads for me, including:

      A LOT LIKE CHRISTMAS by Connie Willis, an expanded collection of her holiday-themed short stories, including “Miracle” – a delightfully snarky tale of a much-tried office worker attempting to juggle her work duties and social life. It features some in-story debate as to whether “Miracle on 34th Street” or “It’s a Wonderful Life” is the best Christmas movie, with some entertaining zigzags.

      EVERGREEN TIDINGS FROM THE BAUMGARNERS by Gretchen Anthony – I’d read this a few years back and loved it, and am listening to the audiobook now. Multi-viewpoint family comedy/drama centered around the annual holiday letters.

      And a non-seasonal mystery: THE STRANGE FATE OF KITTY EASTON by Elizabeth Speller, a mystery set in the 1920s and focusing on a family damaged by the disappearance of a child before the war. It’s rather meandering, but I enjoyed that – was never tempted to skim, just relaxed and spent time with the characters, wondering along with them what really happened.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        Connie Willis holiday stories: My favorites are “Newsletter” for fun and “Epiphany” for makes you think.

    13. Max Kitty*

      I picked up a book called Midnight Taxi Tango by Daniel Jose Older at a book sale. Turns out it’s the second in a three-book series (Bone Street Rumba) and it interested me enough to go find the others. Apparently there are some short stories on Kindle too. It’s paranormal/sci fi/fantasy, set in Brooklyn with diverse characters.

      1. Wink the Book*

        I had a pretty good time with that series. It felt very early 2000’s urban fantasy pulp (in a good way!) that just hit the spot when I read them the first time.

    14. HannahS*

      I read The Purpose Driven Church, which is, perhaps, an odd choice for a Jew but I found it fascinating. My synagogue is currently having a meltdown and reading that book really helped me understand some of the underlying issues that religious institutions face.

      1. Jean (just Jean)*

        Ooh, thanks for this reference. I’ll put it onto my list. (Also Jewish here! Human foibles are the same regardless of religion.)

      2. AGD*

        My childhood synagogue imploded for terrible reasons (basically, one side pushed the other out for being insufficiently bigoted) and it hurt my soul a little bit. I may pick this up. Thanks!

      3. Jean (just Jean)*

        To AGD as well as HannahS: There’s nothing like congregational politics to curdle one’s disposition (or cause one to join a different congregation or significantly revise one’s religious beliefs). What gets into people?! The only thing worse is when followers of Religion #1 persecute, physically harm, and/or impose conversion, expulsion, or death on the followers of Religion #2. Fortunately, all humanity is not so badly behaved.

      4. Anonymous Luddite*

        Understandable. I am very far from Christian myself but one of the greatest books I’ve read about church dynamics was “Antagonists in the Church” by Kenneth Haugk. Good luck in your meltdown.

    15. the cat's ass*

      finished everything by Laura Lippman. Loved most of them, especially Sunburn as well as all of the Tess novels. Didn’t love the verylast one-Dream Girl as i felt it was too similar to The Plot by Jean Hanz (sic) Korelitz. Now working my way through Denise Mina’s books at the recommendation of of of my fave patients.

      LOVE that my library has reopened!

      When i turned 60 i gave myself permission to put a book down if it wasn’t doing it for me. Why waste time?

      1. Jay*

        Oh, I should check to see if there are more Tess novels. I haven’t read one in years. Not nearly as fond of her other work.

    16. Theatre girl in an office world*

      After a few months of not reading, I entered Alison’s entire recommended list for 2021 to my wishlist on overdrive at our library (at least everything they have) plus I still have a bunch from 4 of “what do your favorite author’s read” recommended reading lists. And then I just grab what ever floats to the top as available NOW.

      This week, I finished two by Jennifer Weiner and You’ll Never believe what happened to Lacey.

      I just checked out Early Morning Riser, You Should Have Known, The Second Home, Klara and the Sun and Beginner’s Luck.

    17. Wink the Book*

      I am working my way through “Iron Widow” by Xiran Jay Zhao, and having a good time. The world building is super interesting, and while the norms being espoused are confronting and pretty awful, it helps to be in the head of the main character. She’s super mad about all of it, and I am just nodding along.

      I am also a third of they way through “Master of Djinn” by P. Djèlí Clark. It is the first full novel in the Fatma el-Sha’arawi series. I loved the earlier novellas, but this has been a tougher sit for me. I like it, but the longer form digs deeper and has higher stakes. I think it is a personal reaction (I can’t always do high stakes reads) and the writing is excellent. So I just need to keep chugging!

    18. Bluebell*

      Under the Whispering Door is waiting for me at the library, and I’m also working my way through Dara Horn’s books. I really liked A Guide for the Perplexed, and Eternal Life was good, but not as amazing as I had expected. All Other Nights is the next one I plan to read. I just placed a request for Lauren Groff’s Matrix, but it will take a few months.

    19. Girasol*

      Welcome to Bordertown, a short story collection based on the Bordertown in Emma Bull’s book Finder. I love that book. It’s sort of a cross between a fairy tale and a noir detective mystery with wonderful prose. I’m enjoying the trip back again.

    21. Golden*

      Anyone else do NetGalley? My reviews probably read like a middle school book report (I’d love tips/resources for writing better ones!), but I find it enjoyable either way.

      I’m currently reading an ARC of “Truth and Other Lies”, about a liberal young woman trying to land a flashy journalism career while her conservative mother runs for congress.

    22. Artemesia*

      Just read The Elegance of the Hedgehog for a second time for a new co-ed book discussion group that has sprung up during COVID as an offshoot of our weekly movie club — movie club is still on zoom because it is easy — but the book group now meets every other month for a meal in person. Loved the book. Would love a good rec for a similarly engaging book.

      1. Chauncy Gardener*

        I adored that book! I felt like it was so unique, although I’m not nearly as well read as most of the folks here.
        If you like historical fiction, The Physik Book of Deliverance Dane was really good, but totally different from Hedgehog

    23. Katie*

      Girl A by Abigail Dean. A novel about siblings imprisoned by their parents, and the aftermath after they escape/are rescued. I was hesitant to read a book about forced captivity but thankfully those details were sparse, and the main focus of the book was “how do different family members deal with childhood trauma?” Even though I was inadvertently spoiled on a plot point (my fault for not collapsing the comments on a different Saturday AAM thread), it was still a very good (and sad) read. The book jacket makes it sound like a thriller or mystery, but don’t be fooled! It’s more of a family drama.

    24. *daha**

      I just bought one based on the seeing the cover in a photo on a cat-focused facebook group. The group is called Episcopal Cats With Problems and there is no religious test for entry (and the cats don’t need to have problems) but there are often religious-adjacent posts. Somebody posted a picture captioned (more or less) “My cat left a prawn on Trimble” and the picture was a stack of books with a shrimp on top of the top book. The title was irresistible. TEXTS OF TERROR: Literary-Feminist Readings of Biblical Narratives by Phyllis Trible. I found and bought a used copy at a local religious bookstore and will read at least some of it before wrapping it to give to my girlfriend.

    25. Puffle*

      I’ve picked up the Athelstan series by Paul Doherty again- I stopped reading them a while back, and it’s a pleasant surprise to see how much his writing has improved with the latest instalments. That’s not to say the earlier books were bad, just that his writing feels more polished now, and also the overarching series background plot has really picked up the pace so I’m excited to see where it’s going to go in the next books.

    26. Max Kitty*

      Last night, I read straight through Almost Human by Lee Berger with John Hawks, about hominin discoveries in South Africa. Someone on here recommended it a few weeks ago, and I found it very interesting!

  11. Hunnybee*

    Important question here: what tv series (or book) do you keep trying to watch but find yourself giving up after the first or second try (and in a few months try and fail again)?

    Bonus round: did you ever get past that roadblock and actually finish the whole thing?

    2. Anima*

      Made in Abyss. It’s an anime that should be absolutely up my alley, I like the art style, but it just doesn’t click with me. I don’t understand and have tried two times, I just have no interest in this specific anime.
      I am however a finisher, so I will finish all I start eventually! Currently watching in Seven Deadly Sins (also an anime) , which I dropped before c*** came. Now seems the time to watch a badly animated anime with good character development!

    3. Princess Deviant*

      Quite a few. Suits, Pulp Fiction (film rather than series), Wuthering Heights… they are a few that spring to mind!

      1. Cookie*

        Wuthering Heights was awful. Source: I’m an English major, read it once for school and once for book club.

        1. Jay*

          Also an English major. Managed to avoid it in school. Read it for book club a few years ago and HATED it.

          1. Grizabella the Glamour Cat*

            Also an English major, and I hated Wuthering Heights, too. My main problem was that I couldn’t stand most of the characters. The best books, imo, are ones that have characters I either like or at least find interesting in some way. With Wuthering Heights, I was like, “God damn ALL these people to hell!” I made myself finish it, but man, was I creeped out afterwards.

        2. The Dogman*

          Everything Bronte wrote was rubbish, like most “classics” it is not worth the effort and making teenagers read stuff like it at school is a major reason that reading is not popular now!

          Also Austins works are terrible, Dostoevsky is an awful writer too, Tolstoy is total rot… basically almost all the “classics” are awful and pointless.

          Dumas is worth a read, The Count of Monte Christo is an excellent book. Tolkien is great, even some Vernes works are worth a bash, but broadly most “classics” are just a waste of time.

          1. Dainty Lady*

            Seems like your interest runs to adventure rather than introspection and observation. Nothing wrong with that.

            1. The Dogman*

              No no, not at all, I like all sorts of books, read thousands of them in almost all genres…

              I loathe certain authors though… Do not get me started on Robert Jordan the Fantasy author though and I love fantasy almost as much as my favourite SciFi!

              I dislike some low effort genres though, anything Mills and Boone esque is not fun for me… Or Dick Francis… How many times can one person write the same book? Arrghghhhhggghhhh now I got myself back onto Robert “Repeat that last book again” Jordan!!!!!111!!!!!!oneoneone!!!

              The “classics” are mostly rubbish though, and I stand by it, a lot are impenetrable cos of old language, or poor translations for some I suppose, but broadly the books idolised as classics are pretty atrocious in content, writing style, tone and detail.

              1. Grizabella the Glamour Cat*

                You are certainly allowed to have any opinion you like, as are we all. But it’s one thing to say you don’t care for something, and quite another to dismiss something as “rubbish” because you don’t personally enjoy it.

                I have plenty of my own likes and dislikes, but when I know that an author (even one I don’t like) has legions of devoted fans, that tells me that that they are doing or have done something right, even if what they do isn’t MY cup of tea. Take Jane Austen (please note that it’s spelled with an e, not an i), for example. The lady died over 200 years ago, and yet she has fans all over the world to this day, some of whom are quite passionate about her books. I’m a fan of her books myself, which I find to be chock full of dry humor and keen insights about human nature. I know not everyone is going to “get” Austen, but I don’t think you have to “get” her to be able to see that an author who continues to have such a huge impact on tons of people 2 centuries after her death is deserving of at least some grudging respect for what she managed to accomplish in a life that lasted only 41 years, rather than simply dismissing her as “terrible.”

                Basically, it’s perfectly fine to not like something and say so. However, when you know that something you don’t like is beloved by millions, calling it “rubbish” is not fine; in fact, it’s actually rather rude, imnsho.

                1. The Dogman*

                  I disagree, nothing I like is free from being called “rubbish” by others who don’t like it, they can do that and it affects my enjoyment not one bit. And while I agree that many like Austen (not sure why I went with an I? Prob cos Austin Texas is more often mentioned) I think that her works, and most of the other classics of that sort of period put off more young people who are forced to read them than attract young people to read them.

                  I don’t think anyone liked the Russian authors at all in my education days, and the Bronte’s, Austin and the other male and female “period” writers were also not very popular in class… less depressing than War and Peace and the works of Dostoevski etc.

                  Feeling offended I called some books I think are rubbish is a strange one to me… You might think coffee cake is rubbish for example, and I think it is the best cake, but I would not take it at all personally if you were to write you have tried a terrible one and did not like it.

              2. Opinions, I've had a few*

                I agree a lot of classic literature is tedious at best and outright boring at worst. I’m a Lit PhD and I cannot stand Shakespeare, Hemingway, Fitzgerald, and so many others. Science fiction is my jam, it’s what I love to teach; however. . .

                A lot of classic science fiction is rubbish, too. Verne and Wells are dull by today’s standards. And the stuff published before those two is abyssmal. The Victorian era was not a good time for science fiction after Shelly.

                I’m sorry but Asimov is painful, Heinlein is real hit or miss, Clarke is solid, Hubbard is trash, AE Van Vogt is pretty good but how many “Manly man conquers planet and wins woman under the guise of American Imperialism” stories can one person read? I swear that’s 90% of the classic stories.

                Even some of my favorites like A Clockwork Orange is arguably not really science fiction at all. 1984 is a rip off of the Russian novel, We.

                Bradbury didn’t even consider himself a science fiction writer. Frederick Pohl, Alfred Bester, Philip K Dick are masterful.

              3. RagingADHD*

                I completely agree that Dick Frances is rubbish, but his books are like potato chips – you know exactly the kind of rubbish you’re getting, and it’s fun.

          2. yikes*

            wtf

            you not liking them doesn’t make them rubbish. consider that opinions on literature are not objective facts.

            1. The Dogman*

              In my opinion they are rubbish.

              Which I am allowed to say.

              So I did, but I did not say you have to agree, that would be a bit weird really!

              1. Charlotte Lucas*

                And most people haven’t read Anne’s work, which is often what people find the most appealing.

                1. UKDancer*

                  Anne’s work is easily my favourite. I think Tenant of Wildfell Hall is a brilliant account of the challenges of leaving a violent spouse which has dated surprisingly little.

              2. The Dogman*

                Did I conflate the two/three sisters?

                If so I think that just adds to my point… I totally forgot the others wrote anything and mis-remembered, cos it is all awful writing, that is was just the one lady!

                2. Dark Macadamia*

                  So you don’t actually know what “Bronte” wrote, and are still unaware of how many Brontes even existed, but you think your ignorance of their collective work (which you attributed to a single individual) makes your opinion MORE valid?

                3. Charlotte Lucas*

                  The Brontes aren’t my favorite writers, either, but I know that there were 3 of them. And that they had a brother who was massively jealous of their game.

          4. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            I have noticed that you have a tendency to trumpet your opinions as if they were incontrovertible facts, usually in an aggressive and frequently rude manner.

          6. I take tea*

            I actually think that a lot of classics are classics for a reason and well worth reading today for a simultaneous understanding of older times and customs, and the realisation that people are alike and nothing is new under the sun. One of my most fascinating read in this vein was Euripide’s play Medea, which is written 431 BC, and Jason’s self-justifications could be any contemporary douchebag’s.

            Then you can dislike a certian style, of course, but to say that all classics are bad is just lazy.

            1. The Dogman*

              Oh well if you count the really ancient “classics” I guess my point is weaker…

              I like some of the old ones, and respect others I don’t like for their content and/or importance, but I reserve the right to opine that the more “modern” classics are rot!

              I think some of the ancient tales can be really inspiring to young people and get them interested in history and humanity, in comparison it seems to me the more modern ones are more likely to put off young minds rather than draw them in. At least this is my experience with them, I disliked them in school and collage, friends of mine went off reading entirely!

              Aesops Fables are great, the old style Grims tales are excellent, I dislike the way the Illiad is written but it is a great story, Heracles is a great set of stories, and there are so many more… Even Shakespeare can be a lot of fun with some of the plays if done right, so I suppose if we are counting those sort of things the classics are not so bad in total.

              1. Double A*

                Hm, noticing a pattern that the ones by and about women are rot and the ones by and about men are all excellent…

                You seem to approve of the adventure classic which is fine, but there is great value on reading the more domestic classics as well, which is what the likes of (Charlotte) Bronte, Austen, and George Eliot wrote.

                1. The Dogman*

                  “Hm, noticing a pattern that the ones by and about women are rot and the ones by and about men are all excellent…”

                  Are you accusing me of sexism?

                  When I wrote I disliked Dostoevsky and Tolstoy in ,my first comment about this topic?

                  One of my favourite authors is Anne McCafferey, another is Ursula LeGuin, and while I do not like Harry Potter I think J K Rowling did a huge amount of good work getting children into reading and fantasy. I have no aversion to reading about female characters or authors who are women, some of the best stuff I have read is by women, and if the ancient tales are a bit of a sausage fest that is not my fault, that is the fault of the deeply sexist Greeks of the ancient times and if the “modern” classics are lacking in female authors that is the fault of the sexist Victorians more recently.

                  In future perhaps actually read what I wrote and make fewer assumptions?

                  For example the short story I have published is about a female lead character who literally has zero people of either sex to rely on, she is alone and has to triumph alone. She, along with another female central character and one male central character make up the trio who are the main three threads of the book I am working on, and in the “extra info” short stories I’m weaving into the thread I have so far got approx 60% female lead tales. Some are not even human females.

                  So thanks but no, the Brontes wrote terrible books in my opinion, what sex they were and the sex of the characters is irrelevant, same as all the male authors I think wrote rot.

              2. Not A Manager*

                “I dislike the way the Illiad is written but it is a great story.”

                You find the original dactylic hexameter to be impenetrable, or is it the archaic Greek rather than the classical Athenian Greek that gives you trouble?

                1. Rainy*

                  I often get distracted reading the commentary when I stumble on a hapax, personally, but I know that’s a me problem. ;)

              3. Rainy*

                You dislike the way whatever translation of the Iliad you read and didn’t like is written, you mean.

            2. Dark Macadamia*

              In this vein, I recently read “Jane Austen The Secret Radical” and it was SO interesting. The main goal is to put her work in context of the time they were written – not just generally in history but the specific year she would’ve written it, where she was at the time, and how her personal and cultural context influenced her. It touches on topics like religion, slavery, and childbirth and explains why her works are Capital L Literature and not just old-timey rom coms.

              1. The Dogman*

                I will give that a bash then, context is important, and even if I still dislike Austin that sort of background stuff can be fascinating. Cheers!

            1. *daha**

              I love and multiply re-read The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings, but I bogged down in Silmarillion and haven’t read any of the later releases.

              1. allathian*

                Yeah, Silmarillion was a slog to get through, as were the Unfinished Tales, I haven’t read them more than once each.

              2. The Dogman*

                The Silmarillion is a bit of a chore… The Unfinished Tales should probably have not been published, at least not as a “book” more as a research into Tolkiens brain perhaps?

                Talk about poorly edited notes…

                1. RagingADHD*

                  I mean, publishing an author’s unfinished work really isn’t fair. They might have scrapped it deliberately because they didn’t think it was worth continuing, they might have just been using it as an exercise, they might have changed it completely if they kept working on it etc.

                  I’ve never read a “found” manuscript completed by someone else that was worth the trouble.

                2. Mameshiba*

                  That is literally what they were–his notes and stories left behind when he died. It’s right there in the title.

                  I wouldn’t recommend it to casuals but hardcore Tolkien fans might enjoy it.

            3. Anonymous Luddite*

              I first received the four books (Hobbit through RotK) in fifth grade.
              Every year, I would read the Hobbit, get psyched, and try to read Fellowship.
              Every year, I would get bogged down and stop – I think I made it to Tom Bombadil once.
              Finally one year, I -didn’t- read Hobbit first and just picked up Fellowship. Finished the trilogy in ten days.
              I realized that the shift in Tolkien’s voice between Hobbit and Fellowship was what stopped me.

          8. JustForThis*

            … alternatively, one could say that Dostoevsky offers intense explorations of human perception and shifts in human perception during a phase of crisis. ymmv.

            1. Nessun*

              I’d agree with that opinion. I loved Ctome and Punishment, but not until I’d finished it completely. Getting through it was tough.

            2. The Dogman*

              I would agree with that for sure… Just it is depressing and often dull around those bits.

              Of course it could also be argued that a lot of life is depressing and dull, and so the books are exploring that… but even if that is the case I still think making (especially young) literature students read that sort of thing is likely to put a lot more off it than get into it.

          10. RagingADHD*

            I’m just shocked that so many people who claim to be avid readers seem to think that anything without the “IMO” tag is being asserted as fact.

            Declaring a piece of entertainment or art to be “rubbish” is inherently subjective. Of course it’s an opinion.

            The question *asked* for opinions!

            Infer from context, y’all. It’s supposed to be a basic reading skill.

            You might as well go on the sandwich-condiment thread or the sensations-you-hate thread and argue that those things are “just their opinion.”

            Yes, of course they are opinions. That’s the whole point of the conversation.

    4. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I bounced off The Mandalorian three times (much to my Star Wars nut husband’s chagrin) but when it hit it hit hard and I binged the whole two seasons in a single weekend.

      1. The Dogman*

        How did I miss that there is a second season?

        I now am about to lose the ability to go to bed on time for a couple of days… thanks! :)

    5. TechWorker*

      I was given house of cards as a box set (the US version) a while back and just… never got into it despite trying! It doesn’t help that I tend to prefer things where I like at least some of the characters. Also everyone raves about breaking bad but I’m very much take it or leave it, some of the episodes got too violent for me. (Which is maybe a weird description cos I watch a lot of crime/murder mystery type stuff, but there it’s mostly described rather than on screen…)

      1. A313*

        I watched a fair amount of both of those shows and gave them both up. House of Cards was depressing and upsetting in a too-real way for me. Breaking Bad was one of those shows that got me way too annoyed — I know dramas thrive on people’s decisions, often their bad decisions, but I couldn’t take it anymore, wondering if they could really be *that* stupid.

      3. Elle Woods*

        I watched the first three seasons of House of Cards then gave up. It got increasingly hard to follow the plot line and difficult to care about the characters.

        1. Clisby*

          I had already seen the UK version, and liked the first 2 seasons of the US version. . Then I gave up.

      4. The Dogman*

        I got about 5 episodes into breaking bad expecting to find a sympathetic character but just got bored of how awful most of them were, and was not gripped by any level of care for how things turn out.

        So I gave up.

        So many people I know love that show I guess it is a me problem but I cannot see why anyone would care to finish it, or why it ran so long?

      5. RagingADHD*

        I really enjoyed the original UK House of Cards, and wanted to like the US version, but I just couldn’t.

        Part of what made the original so good was the way it was a complete and satisfying arc with tragic inevitability to it. Trying to adapt that story to an open-ended series took all the “oomph” out of it.

        1. UKDancer*

          Yes the UK version worked so much better for me for precisely that reason. Also it had Ian Richardson who is several shades of awesome in everything he does, has a beautiful voice and does Machiavellian better than most other people in the world.

          1. Clisby*

            Yes, about Ian Richardson. I’ve posted a couple of other comments about the UK vs. US version, but to me, one of the shortcomings of the US version is that Frank Underwood is just not in the same league as Francis Urquart when it comes to being viscerally vicious.
            For any joint House of Cards/Terry Pratchett fans here, Ian Richardson is the voice of Death in the movie version of The Hogfather. At one point he says, “You might think that. I couldn’t possibly comment.”

      6. Clisby*

        The US version of House of Cards is not as good as the UK version, IMO. I didn’t mind not caring about any of the characters – that was pretty much true of the UK version, too (at least for me.) The UK version just made a lot more sense. And it clearly was set to be done in 3 series – I guess to match the 3 novels it was based on – while the US version was just, oh, let’s drag this out as long as we can get an audience, regardless of whether the story line is coherent at all (it isn’t.)

    6. Dwight Schrute*

      Star Wars, LOTR, Twin Peaks,
      Breaking bad and the walking dead all come to mind for me. It’s odd because in theory I should enjoy them but they’ve never hooked me

    7. Let me be dark and twisty*

      The Sopranos. I just can’t seem to get into it and I’ve tried several times over the years.

      1. The Dogman*

        I watched the whole of the Sopranos years ago and while it had some great scenes the general tone is so pathetic and depressing I can see why you would not be gripped.

        I was injured and one arm was out of action, so reading was off the table for a few months, which is the only reason I got all the way though it, now if I started it I suspect I would be 2/3 episodes and quit.

    8. Falling Diphthong*

      I gave up on The Wire.

      I really liked the criminal parts, and how there was a society with strict rules of behavior. The cop parts seemed incredibly rote and I–a person who does not watch police dramas–saw every plot turn coming a mile away. That can be an element of a tragedy, that you see everything coming but understand that the characters can’t turn aside. But I just sat there unmoved.

      That’s the rare example of critically acclaimed, people with other good recs like it, I am left cold. I am actually pretty ruthless about abandoning books or TV shows when they are just not zinging for me.

      1. Double A*

        Yes, I’ve watched the first three seasons, then ice watched the first 3 or 4 episodes of season 4 like… four times. And it’s good and interesting and I’m a teacher so the school stuff should drawn me in. But it’s just like, heavy, and I lost motivation for watching it. I still theoretically want to, and maybe I will if I get HBO again.

    10. Jay*

      Books: LOTR. Tried the books repeatedly in HS and after college – my husband LOVED them. Couldn’t get past the first 50 pages of LOTR or The Hobbit.

      TV Shows: I watched the first episode of “Gray’s Anatomy” and have made no attempt to go back. Full disclosure: I’m a doc and I hardly ever watch medical shows for what I presume are obvious reasons.

      Book I changed my attitude about: “Middlemarch.” Tried to read it in HS and couldn’t get through it. Read it again for book club three or four years ago and absolutely loved it. I think I had to grow up to appreciate the subtle humor and quality of her writing.

      Sort of the reverse: I adored Vonnegut in HS. We read “Player Piano” for book club last year and I was horrified at the depth of the misogyny – and even more horrified that I didn’t notice it at 16 (to be fair to myself, that was 1976).

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        Medical TV shows: When I was undergoing radiation (so in the same waiting room at roughly the same time every day) there was a TV set to whatever station airs General Hospital. And there was never a scene set in a hospital.

        Aging books: When I was young a favorite was Podkayne of Mars, in which the heroine explicitly realizes that she shouldn’t buck for pilot training because no one will hire a woman, so she should be a baby nurse instead. But Heinlein was old–even older than my dad!!!–so I just totally ignored that aspect. I didn’t read Twilight, but didn’t worry that my daughter liked it in high school. What people take from literature varies so widely, including at different points in your life. (I liked a travel book by a guy who picked up Odysseus late in life and was like “Wow, I thought this was an adventure tale in high school–it’s actually a guy who wants to stop having damn adventures and sit at home and never see the damn ocean again.”

      2. I take tea*

        Hmm. Vonnegut made a great impression on teen me as well. I’ve been thinking about re-visiting, but maybe I shouldn’t.

    11. Golden*

      I like this question! I’ve tried to pick up Critical Role Campaign 2 (loved Campaign 1) multiple times, and while I get through an episode or two, I inevitably just stop. I watched the first half of Campaign 3 Episode 1 and it didn’t grab me either, so I think I’ll just look back on Campaign 1 fondly and consider myself done with the franchise.

      I loved Breaking Bad and kept finding The Wire on “what to watch next” lists, but that never worked for me despite giving the first few episodes a try.

      Stranger Things was an eventual success! I’ve seen the first episode a few times since 2017ish, but it didn’t click until last year and I binged watched the rest.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        I love the end of season three so much I cannot evaluate it objectively. Everything about the Scoops Ahoy plotline is like an homage to classic Scooby Doo.

      2. Wink the Book*

        Hard same re: Critical Role. I just signed on for the VM story, and those characters. I did keep half an ear on c2, and ended up enjoying chunks of the latter half (the travelercon eps were pretty fun), but have zero desire to sit through the full series. Honestly, I think the fact that c1 started mid campaign was a reason I could get into it. We didn’t have to see the first chunk where everyone “found” their character’s voice/lived in self.

        That said, I had a fabulous time with the Darrington Brigade one-shot. And I will always respect CR for accidentally giving me a vast knowledge of how to play DND 5e without ever picking up a book/character sheet.

    12. Wishing You Well*

      Tolkien’s “Unfinished Tales” – whoo, boy. His son shouldn’t have bothered publishing them.
      “Eragon” trilogy – can’t deal with a hopeless, never-ending struggle right now. A little too real.
      Bonus round: nope, never finished. It’s okay to quit when a pastime starts feeling like a root canal.

      1. The Dogman*

        “Tolkien’s “Unfinished Tales” – whoo, boy. His son shouldn’t have bothered publishing them.”

        Agreed, many millions of times!

    13. Dark Macadamia*

      Both “New Girl” and “Parks and Rec” are shows I feel like I SHOULD like but have never managed to finish. I find most of the Parks characters really annoying, especially Leslie, so the funny parts just haven’t been worth continuing with the show. New Girl I enjoyed early on but I think at the point when Jess went on jury duty I realized the show was more enjoyable with Megan Fox and lost interest when Zooey Deschanel came back, lol

      I haven’t finished the last season of The Borgias despite it being a great show – I always want to rewatch from the beginning to refresh my memory and then I’m no longer in the mood for it by the time I get to new episodes.

      1. Golden*

        I totally forgot about Parks and Rec being on my list too! My ex loved it so I tried to watch several times, and kind of just came away thinking “this is The Office for people that are sad” (which could totally be my own projection about said ex).

        1. tiredlibrarian*

          I tried for years to get into Parks and Rec but I just couldn’t get past the first season. Didn’t like it at all. Someone then told me to start with season 2, and pretend like season 1 never existed, and that made it click for me. There’s a pretty dramatic tone shift starting with season 2, and I liked it a lot better. Try starting with season 2 and see if you like it?

          1. Laura Petrie*

            I agree, series 1 of Parks and Rec is awful. Not keen on the last series either, but everything in between is great.

            I never managed to get into Mad Men. I’ve tried several times but just can’t get past the first couple of episodes.

            I have tried to read both The Hobbit and LOTR but they’re just not for me.

    14. GermanGirl*

      I tried to get into Star Trek Enterprise a couple of times. I loved the first few episodes, then got meh about it and stopped. But once I got over the first lull, I finish all of it within a couple of weeks.

    15. Theatre girl in an office world*

      Schitt’s Creek. My friends keep telling me I will love it but I have never made it past the 2nd episode. I gave up when they followed up with “oh yeah, the first 2 seasons are hard to get through”

      1. Hunnybee*

        Ha, that validates everything! I have a coworker who keeps checking in all the time to see if I’ve watched it all yet, so I’m not sure if I’m becoming resistant to the show because of this, or its genuinely not my cup of tea.

      3. The Other Dawn*

        I’m glad I’m not the only one. I didn’t try to watch it until after it ended. I watched maybe six episodes and it never hooked me. I might try again if it’s really the first two seasons that are tough.

      4. Dreaming of travel*

        Oh, make room for me on that train. People take it so personally that I don’t like it! And say things like, “Well, if you supported LGBTQ+ more, you’d appreciate it.”

      5. Dark Macadamia*

        I think it’s so weird when people say that kind of thing. “Oh yeah, the 33% of the show that’s meant to draw you in sucks, but it’s so good!” What? I don’t LOVE Schitts Creek the way a lot of fans do but I feel like I enjoyed it pretty consistently from beginning to end, with a couple episodes that are way better or worse. Likewise I’ve seen several seasons of Parks and Rec and I never felt like it got better or was worth the time I’d put in.

        Many shows take a season or two to find themselves but it’s still the same show the whole time!

    16. RussianInTexas*

      Wolf Hall. Like the series, but absolutely cannot get through the writing.
      Clone Wars (the animated series, the later one). Finally watched the whole, with the help of the list of episodes in the chronological order, and it became my favorite Star Wars media.

    17. allathian*

      Lost. I’ve tried twice, the first time I gave up early in the 3rd season, the second time at the end of the 1st. There’s so much good stuff to see, so I don’t really see the point of forcing myself to sit through it yet another time.

      Matrix lost me when they used humans for raw power. After that I could no longer suspend my disbelief. Now, if they’d done it as the creators originally wanted, and used human brains for *processing power* I might feel differently, but apparently the execs deemed that too techie for the average viewer. That might well be true, but it spoiled things for me. I’ve seen the first one twice and have no interest in seeing the sequels.

    18. LizB*

      I attempted the Wheel of Time series twice and both times got stuck on book 10 (out of an eventual 14, I think?). My husband absolutely adores the series, but does admit that it slows way down around books 8-10… and when each book of a multi-book “slow point” is 800 pages long, it’s not easy to push through.

      We’ve been watching the new Amazon TV adaptation of the series, though, and really really enjoying it! They’ve tweaked some worldbuilding and plot points, but the characters are great, the visuals are stunning, and I’m excited to see what happens next. If they manage to make it to the book 10 part of the series, maybe I’ll make it through this time.

    19. Tris Prior*

      I realize this is heresy, but: Firefly.
      I tried. Many times. I gave up. Not sure why? Based on other stuff I really like, I should’ve liked it.

      2. Anonymous Luddite*

        It’s been 20 years (and Whedon has since shown his true colors). Not heresy in the slightest.

    20. *daha**

      Dhalgren (Samuel Delany). It’s been decades since I’ve tried, I’m sure it’s worth going back to it.

    21. UKDancer*

      The Office. I just cringed too hard for David Brent. There’s a German word “fremdschamen” for the embarrassment you feel for someone else when they do something embarrassing. I felt that very strongly. I tried watching it twice but couldn’t get on with it.

      I’d say also “Friends” which all my friends were deeply into at the time. I found the whole lot of them very irritating and having tried it again more recently I don’t think it’s dated very well.

      Books – I’ve never been able to manage Thomas Hardy because I just find his work too depressing. I had to study it at school and didn’t much enjoy it. I tried it as an adult and liked it even less. It just reminds me how miserable life was for women at that period of time.

      1. I take tea*

        Haha, Finnish also has a similar word for second hand embarrassment. Adding “fremdschamen” to my German vocabulary.

    22. BadCultureFit*

      The Outlander tv show. I’ve tried at least 4 times to watch, and by episode 3 just find myself utterly bored to tears.

  12. Bazza7*

    Re-reading the A Seaside Knitters mystery/A Seaside Knitters Society mystery series by Sally Goldenbaum, about 15 books in the series so far. Currently reading book 2 – Patterns in the Sand. Cozy mysteries about a group of women who meet up weekly to knit and have a meal and more and some random murder known in for them to solve. Really enjoying reading this series again and how these women support each other. (I don’t knit anymore, but still like to crochet).

  13. Loopy*

    Warning: Covid Talk
    .
    .
    .
    .
    I’m back to being more confused than ever on what I should be doing to be responsible. I’m vaccinated AND boosted and always mask in public. For a while I felt like I knew what I was comfortable with – travel with all precautions, going to see folks with masking, still no major gatherings with close quarters (i.e large parties, concerts, super large crowds).

    With omicron I feel like I’m been shaken back into uncertainty on if it’s okay to do things with all vaccination/booster and masks still. Just curious where others are and if anyone else is feeling a bit confused with the new variant and best actions. I was going to book a plane ticket for late Feb and of course wear an N95 and only go if healthy, now I’m feeling like I’m not supposed to do those things again?

    Is anyone else as lost?

    1. Missb*

      Not lost just cautious!

      It hasn’t hit our city/state hard yet but will by New Years.

      We are seeing close family for Christmas but we are all triple vaxxed. Hoping that’s enough.

      1. Loopy*

        It just hit my state but we are one of the states that, well… lets just say no one was masked at the store I went to yesterday. But I’m seeing folks in other areas cancelling plans. So I always feel generally confused in this country!

    2. Not So NewReader*

      I am staying home a lot. I go to work and I get groceries, that’s about as exciting as life gets for me. BUT. There’s a lot more in the background that forms this decision. It’s definitely no one factor- my age, lack of family near by, and a couple of elderly friends who are actually dependent on me to stay up and running. My workplace needs me to continue to work. There’s plenty to do here- cleaning and painting sort of stuff. (We do this much longer and my house is going to be super spiffy.)

      We have plenty of covid in my area. People are concerned. Oddly, many of those highly concerned people are also planning trips. It’s not for me, I have no interest right now. My priority is staying low key and staying safe. It will be better in the future, that’s what I tell myself.

      1. Loopy*

        On a daily basis that’s usually me. Work, outdoor volunteering 1x a week (mostly alone), and errands. But I do want to travel safely occasionally. But I have family you are truly rageful at anyone even going out to do, well, literally anything. I respect their decisions, I respect everyone’s decisions to stay safe and understand them! But they are truly hateful of anyone who doesn’t align with their level of caution and honestly, it messes with my brain. I appreciate you sharing your take, I feel like I need to get a sense of others really badly right now.

        I’ve stopped talking to them about my entire life because there’s just nothing besides work that’s acceptable, no matter the vacc/caution level. They make me feel as if I’m a terrible, horrible, person. That reply is going a bit off topic- sorry! Thank you for your response!

    3. Janet Pinkerton*

      Honestly, with how much omicron is spreading among the vaxxed + the lesser severity than delta, it almost makes me want to give up, get omicron, and move on with my life. And I can’t do that on purpose for many reasons but the chief reason is that I’m pregnant and thus more susceptible to illness, and I don’t have a two week stretch before my due date where I can just not see anyone.

      I wouldn’t describe myself as “lost”, but my feelings have definitely changed.

      1. Swisa*

        When I had the regular flu while pregnant it was so awful, both because being more susceptible, like you mentioned, but also because there’s very little that you can take in terms of cold meds.

        I hope you can avoid omicron until you deliver!

      2. Wishing You Well*

        Please stay strong! I hear ya’!
        I hope people will keep taking precautions and not think “just get Covid and get over it”. Ask the Covid long haulers about it. Researchers are finding that even some “mild” Covid cases result in long-term severe lung damage.
        Sending good thoughts and Internet Hugs, if you want them!

        2. It's Quarantime!*

          Yup. Long Haul Covid is nothing to play with. It’s Russian Roulette, with even less certain outcomes.
          And I recently read a book about Polio that said people who had mild to severe polio and (mostly) recovered 30ish years ago are starting to relapse and their symptoms are re-emerging. It’s the same concept of chicken pox/shingles where it never really goes away and could come back to haunt you at any time. Can you imagine what would happen if covid has a nasty 30 year surprise? If even a percentage of the people who have had and recovered from covid have long term rebound consequences….. ugh.
          Better to just avoid it if you can.

            1. It's Quarantime!*

              It’s called Small Steps: The Year I Got Polio by Peg Kehret.
              I was interested in the roadmap for my own illness/hope of recovery as I have been living with Long Haul Covid since Feb ’21. And I was grateful for her perspective and willingness to share her experiences. It’s at the end where she talks about her and others’ recent relapses.

          2. dear liza dear liza*

            When Covid first popped up and comparisons to the Spanish flu were made, I learned that about a decade after the flu there was an outbreak of encephalitis among Spanish flu survivors. Viruses are sneaky little bastards.

          3. KoiFeeder*

            My aunt had post-polio syndrome that came on right at about the start of the pandemic. It was pretty haunting.

            1. It's Quarantime!*

              I’m sorry to hear that, KoiFeeder. I hope she’s coping well and that her symptoms are mild and fade soon.

      3. No Longer Fencer*

        Same…2nd tri pregnant and trying to figure out what I’m comfortable with. One county I live near, nobody masks (except me and partner). County we live in has mandatory masking. Plus a friend wants to host me a virtual baby shower. But also, my mom wants to host an in person baby shower for family and her friends…she originally was ok with remote but now realizes she’s not tech-savvy. And I just want to be safe….

        1. Golden*

          Also pregnant, and my OBGYN office is recommending we get boosted at 13 or 19 weeks, or “whatever we want”. Not very informative!

          Christmas occurs before I hit either of those weeks so it ruined my travel plans this year. My area is pretty well masked/vaxxed, but a friend in the medical field has recently been seeing tons of cases in people who have received their doses 6+ months ago. Foregoing travel until I can get boosted (I have an appointment at about 13 weeks) feels like all I can do.

        2. Lady Danbury*

          How about either a drive through shower or a virtual shower but have mom in the room with you? Either way, you limit your exposure (obviously virtual is safest) but mom doesn’t have to worry about the technology.

      4. allathian*

        That must be tough. I hope you stay healthy and have a safe delivery.

        There have been cases of very early deliveries (22 to 25 weeks) here when pregnant people have been so sick with Covid that ending the pregnancy was the only way for them to have a shot at survival. (Reduced lung capacity and immunity while pregnant, restrictions in meds.)

      5. David*

        On top of what other commenters are saying, when the omicron variant was first being observed, it looked like part of the reason it was so prevalent is that it’s more prone to repeat infections in the same people. In other words, assuming those initial impressions are actually true, getting omicron COVID gives you less protection against getting it again, compared to delta or the other variants. So it’s definitely not a “get it and move on with your life” thing, because even if you do get it, you’re still at risk for getting it again later.

    4. Teatime is Goodtime*

      Oh totally. Less about risk tolerance because I have an unvaccinated child who still needs to socialize with other children his age, but more about what to do when things inevitably do roll in close, or indeed on us. We’ve had two possible-Covids in the last month, both PCR negative, but in both instances the procedures were evolving and different. Who do I inform I what order about when? When am I (vaxxed but not yet boostered for legit reasons, working on that) allowed to do x, when is my child (unvaxxed) allowed to do x, and with whom? I understand the need to have evolving rules and approaches, but I’m paying attention and still confused. I’m just trying to be responsible and do the right thing!!

    5. usernames are anonymous*

      I’ve just cancelled a trip home to the UK for Christmas. I booked everything back in early November and have spent the last couple of weeks holding my breath hoping to be able to travel. The omnicron strain has changed the level of risk that is comfortable to me – I have 2 jabs but not eligible for booster until Christmas Day. Doesn’t help that the govt keep contradicting themselves with their recommendations for what is considered safe to do.

      1. Dancing Otter*

        I love your typo. It’s just so apt.
        “Omni-“ because it’s omnipresent, or soon will be!

        Where I am (Chicago area), we’ve been required to wear masks inside, even if vaccinated, ever since the variants started. There was maybe a month off between getting the okay to take them off if vaccinated and being told to put them back on. I never stopped wearing them, because I didn’t (and still don’t) trust the people I see without masks to be really vaccinated.

    6. Asenath*

      I’m not feeling lost, although I’m tired of it and fed up. I’m following the standard procedures as recommended by local public health officials – vaccinations, masks in public indoor places, hand cleaning, and very recent decrease in limits on large indoor gatherings. That last isn’t an issue for me since I didn’t go to large gatherings if I could avoid them pre-COVID, and the not really large gatherings I do go to are held in a large enough facility that 50% capacity is fine. I think I expected from the beginning (again due to public health info, but also from a very good book I read on the Spanish flu) that there would be lots of mutations with variations in their virulence and the ease with which they spread. So here’s another mutation, right. Just as expected. At least the early data seem to indicate that it spreads fast but isn’t extremely virulent. And I put on my mask before going into public indoor places, clean my hands, and that’s it. I do have faith in the local public health people, who have explained what they’re doing and why all through this mess, and in my fellow citizens, who have a very high vaccination rate. As a result, perhaps, I feel reasonably secure, but I know people who are more cautious, people who are less cautious, and people who really need to remain isolated because of their underlying health problems.

    7. Sandi*

      Even with all those precautions there was still a risk you could catch it, but with omicron that risk increased.

      I think a big factor, and a large part of the spread, is that people are often interacting unmasked if the are double vaxed. I continue to wear a mask when indoors, and limit my interactions (virtual work holiday parties).

    8. Dino*

      I’m not lost, but resigned. I don’t know what’s safe or whether any of the precautions I take will actually make a difference, so I’m at “fuck it”. I mask and distance and have been vaccinated (no booster yet, needle phobia made the first 2 hard enough) but I honestly think we’re on our own now. The government isn’t providing support anymore, messaging from health organizations is unclear, and it’s every man for themselves.

    9. Colette*

      Very much so. I’m supposed to fly to my mom’s for Christmas. I go back and forth every day about whether I should go or cancel. I have no idea what the right choice is.

    10. Falling Diphthong*

      I traveled in the fall and am glad I did. After spending the pre-vacc period undergoing cancer treatment, my mom just died, and all “well you can always do stuff later” has been thoroughly beaten out of my world view.

      In early December three relatives (in two locations) had covid. But it was like a bad cold for all three fully vaccinated people–stressful because you wonder if you’re going to be the extremely rare number that lands in the hospital, cusp of a new trend, but it was a few days in bed feeling crappy and more days sitting at home feeling bored while quarantining. I think it is moving toward something where we assume it’s endemic, get our booster shots as soon as we can, and try to move toward a normal connecting-to-people model because we can’t go without that indefinitely.

    11. Jay*

      Absolutely – and I’m an MD, so I feel like I should know. I don’t know. Nobody really *knows.* I make risk/benefit decisions all the time and I can’t do that without knowing what the risk is. I’m vaxxed and boosted, so the risk of severe disease for me is low, but I could transmit it to other people who have a much higher risk, and how do I know what that risk is since the transmission could be indirect (someone catches it from me and someone vulnerable catches it from them…). And the benefit is to my mental health and emotional well-being – I don’t *need* to eat in restaurants or go shopping in person, except I do *need* to get out of the house and reconnect with friends and family in person and where I live it is now too cold to do that outside. So I’ve relaxed my behavior and I wonder if that’s really a well-thought-out decision or a giant rationalization to do the things I want to do.

      I’m retiring shortly – my last day is 12/28 – and once I’m done seeing patients I will probably stop worrying quite as much. I will still avoid indoor gatherings where I’d be close to people I don’t know, and I will continue to eat in restaurants that have space between the tables. I know that’s inconsistent. It’s the best I can do.

        1. Rooney*

          But the original commenter was the one to bring up work? It doesn’t make sense that the replies were deleted but the original one stands. Would the replies have still been deleted if they had agreed and/or sympathized with the commenter?

          1. Ask a Manager* Post author

            Of course. I routinely remove work-related stuff here, sympathetic or not. (For what it’s worth, I agreed with all the comments I removed and thought they were correct!)

            I felt a single reference to work in a longer comment about non-work was fine, while replies that were exclusively about work were not. I’ve done the same in the past. That said, I’m second-guessing that decision now — the story of my month, frankly — and am removing the original as well.

    13. MissGirl*

      I’m boosted as well and masking. My goal isn’t to never get COVID as it’s inevitable that at some point I will. It’s to avoid getting it as far as I’m able to but if I catch it, not spread it and not get super sick with it. I’m also hopeful that we’re getting some anti-viral meds coming down the pipeline to help treat those who can’t build as much immunity.

      Something a doctor said a bit ago resonated with me. Living a healthy life is more than not getting sick. I can stay inside and never get COVID and lead sink into a deep depression. That said I’m also not going to a crowded concert and kissing a stranger (not that I ever had :)). I’m living somewhere in the middle.

      I’m also a data analyst and I’ve been watching the numbers but more especially the hospital numbers. I don’t care if everyone in the world gets COVID, if a very small percentage end up hospitalized. We still don’t know about Omicron. So far it’s still mostly unvaccinated people who are feeling the blunt of the virus.

    14. Courageous cat*

      I’m personally burned out. I’ve long since given up on trying to care or control anything. I’ve had 3 vaccines. It’s honestly all I can do. It’s not going away and I can’t let it take up half my headspace forever.

      My thought process at this point is kinda: if I get it, I get it. I can’t stop it.

      1. Sloanicota*

        Seriously – I didn’t even get *one day* to enjoy being boostered, as the day I got the jab was the day they announced omicron and started speculating that the vaccines were not as effective against it. I think what’s hard for me is that everyone is doing a separate cost-benefit analysis, and part of the equation is “how badly do I want to do this / how bummed will I be to skip this?” – which obviously varies by person / situation. So two equally responsible people may come to a different conclusion about a specific activity and it gets awkward fast.

    15. Swisa*

      I’m worried about my 3 year old getting it. I was really counting on the vaccine being available soon, but now it sounds like it will be longer.

      We take precautions, like not having her come into stores/doing pickup only, but she’s in daycare (though masked), so she has plenty of opportunity for exposure.

      I worry about the long term effects in kids. I got covid before I was vaxed, and though it was an overall mild illness, I still have respiratory effects, a year later. I worry that something like that will happen to her, and i I don’t want her to have to deal with it for the rest of her life.

    16. Dark Macadamia*

      I’m just tired. All the adults in my family are vaxxed and boosted, 6yo just got her second dose but 3yo of course hasn’t yet. We’re getting together for Christmas and I was fine with it but now I’m stressed. 6yo is finally going to school in person next month and I’m stressed. We live in an area with good safety requirements and high vax rates, which I’m so grateful for, but I’ve reached the point of “this is our life now” and it sucks.

    17. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

      I just plan on getting Covid sometime or other. I first resigned myself to it back when Covid got big, then when I got vaxxed I thought I wouldn’t actually, but I’m back on the “Welp, looks like it’s going to happen” idea. I’m willing to take reasonable precautions to put it off, but I’m not willing to put my life on hold to avoid something that seems inevitable. I already did that for all of 2020 and more than I ought of 2021.

      I’m young and healthy (and vaxxed), though, so Covid is extremely unlikely to kill me. I understand that it’s different if you are higher risk.

    18. Lady Danbury*

      Cases were low in my area as recently as a week and a half ago but we recently had our first confirmed Omicron cases and the numbers have now started to rise. It doesn’t help that this coincides with peak holiday travel. I just started hanging out with friends again recently and now I’ll be scaling things back again.

      I haven’t resigned myself to inevitably getting it, as my country has mostly done well throughout the pandemic (other than one wave that was really bad) and the vast majority of my close friends/family haven’t caught it. I will continue to take a risk based approach and scale my activities up or down based on local case numbers/trend in cases. Right now that means smaller gatherings, scaling back my bubble, more outdoor events, etc. School is out for my nieces/nephews but 2 of them will be in camp next week, so hopefully there won’t be any pre-Christmas exposures.

    19. Aphrodite*

      Thank you for mentioning this. I am trying to keep intense discouragement at bay because I feel as if we are almost back at the beginning, and it’s . . . awful. I have never stopped taking all the precautions but now I have re-intensified them. While it hasn’t hit southern California (and Santa Barbara in particular) yet I know it’s here. My employer, a college, is taking a lot of precautions but it can’t do everything.

      Are we really going to be having no real holidays next year too? I am not a shopper but one of the most exciting things for me is to do all kinds of autumn and then Christmas events–fairs, gatherings, theatre, downtown, etc. And I had such plans this year even completely masked. Nothing. And the idea of not having any of them next year is beyond depressing.

      Nevertheless, I won’t give into it. I will try to remain polite, cheerful, helpful and keep life going as best I can. But that realization that, yes, next year may be the same is acting like a black hole edging closer to sucking me in. I may end up keeping a few of my autumn and Christmas decorations out all year just to have them as souvenirs of the season. Or maybe not.

      I am trying not to think we may be in this same position next year as that is overwhelming.

    20. Generic Name*

      I think the problem is that we are still laser focused on the number of cases and maybe we should be focusing on hospitalizations and deaths. I know so many vaccinated people who’ve gotten Covid and recovered just fine. My 3 year old nephew just had it, and he had a runny nose and seemed tired one afternoon. That’s it. I’m not saying to throw away our masks and go make out with strangers, but the vaccines are working. The people who are hospitalized are largely unvaccinated with a minority who were vaccinated but didn’t get boosters.

      I’m taking the following precautions:
      Got my booster
      Masking in public
      Working from home
      I am driving home for Christmas. We will do home tests before we leave and everyone has been vaccinated/boosted
      I’m not really eating out, but that’s more due to budget then anything else.

    21. OyHiOh*

      Myself personally, at this point, I’m taking an attitude of general strong hygiene precautions, rather than trying not to get COVID specifically. I wear a mask in congregant settings, because of all the airborne nasties we all breathe every day and I keep some physical distance, because I don’t like getting all crowded up with people I don’t know. I’ve always had pretty good hand washing hygiene but being vigilant about that too. My boss got an actual non-COVID respiratory infection a few weeks ago and admitted to me in the aftermath that he’d been slipping on hand washing/face touching and that’s probably how he got it.

      I went through a phase of reading Robin Cook novels as a teenager. One of the critical things I learned from his novels is that viruses mutate in ways that allow them to be successful. Ebola, terrifying as it is, isn’t a terribly successful virus, because it is kinda hard to spread (requires direct contact with bodily fluids), and kills people too quickly. Rhinovirus (common cold) is an extremely successful virus because it is extraordinarily easy to spread (air droplets), and it only rarely kills people. But we can easily imagine that when rhinoviruses first appeared on the scene, they were much more deadly than they are now.

      Something that gets mentioned only occasionally these days is that several of the viruses that cause “common colds” today are centuries old SARS-COV viruses. They’ve stayed in the population and become extremely successful because they’ve mutated in ways that spread easily and don’t immediately kill people. SARS-COV 19 is doing the same thing – mutating in ways that allow it to be successful and stick around. We’re seeing more and more people get sick, but over time though, the severity of those illnesses is declining, for most people. My spouse died of flu in his late 50’s, in part because he had underlying conditions that made him much more susceptible to lung infections.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I just read that in an article yesterday; they were talking about the theory that it could just eventually become a cold virus. Of course, they don’t know at this point. It’s not there yet, and seeing people behave as if it were is annoying.

    22. Aly_b*

      My big worry is timing. With this coming up right before Christmas and New Years, I’m worried that’s going to feed a huge spike with everyone seeing each other at the same time. We’re already seeing huge case count numbers in places that are a little further into it than us, and that’s before the holidays. I want to avoid catching anything when the healthcare system may be overwhelmed and when doctors and nurses may also be home self-isolating after positive tests. I’m basically treating this as take massive precautions for a few weeks, and then take a bit more than my usual level of caution following that.

    23. fposte*

      I was notified of a COVID exposure last week (guy working on my furnace), and it was interesting–my reaction was that I’ve probably been closer to people with COVID without even knowing it, and I was mostly concerned in making sure that I didn’t pass it along.

      I’ve got friends with higher risk tolerance and friends with lower, and none of their takes seem ridiculous to me–I think within general guidelines we’re very much individually negotiating tolerance and, hopefully, risk, which does not always correlate with tolerance. As long as we’re within those guidelines, I feel it’s very much an individual call on where we land (I think family rageful at you for going out have, unfortunately, really misunderstood the nature of the pandemic and where we are in it). I really like having the ability to test before and/or after group contact, even just with the antigen tests; it adds a data point to help in making decisions. Based on information so far, I’m more worried about omicron’s role in collective impact on health care during flu season and with other strains of COVID than I am about omicron itself as something I might get.

    24. Bibliovore*

      Exactly!
      I have a flight Christmas day. Plan was to be in San Diego four days.
      No idea what to do now.

    25. Girasol*

      I was looking forward to covid being kinda over in January after the holiday spike waned, but that looks pretty unlikely now with Omicron. I read last night that it’s a third less deadly than Delta but 7x as communicable. Here where 39% of the people are vaccinated, we may be hit pretty hard for several months after the holiday starts the spread. He’s immune compromised and I’m creeped out at the idea of long covid’s effects on the brain, so we’re careful again. Groceries are coming by delivery (thank goodness we can get that!) and when we go out it’s with an N95 mask and only to see a doctor or pharmacy. Such fun. Spring can’t come soon enough.

    26. WoodswomanWrites*

      Your reaction makes total sense in the landscape of COVID uncertainty. It’s really about what is comfortable for you personally.

      For myself as an older asthmatic, I don’t go to any gatherings with strangers even masked and haven’t since the start of the pandemic. No plane flights, concerts, or movies for me. I will only be unmasked indoors with a very small group of people that I know are as careful as me–vaccinated with boosters and wearing masks every time they leave the house. Basically that’s family members who have visited from out of town, my mother in a retirement community that gets tested every week, and a neighbor in my building.

      Next week I’m taking an overnight road trip with a friend, the first time I’ve done that in two years. We are getting tested before our departure. Assuming we are both negative, we will then ride in the car together unmasked and share a hotel room. But there’s no way we would take this trip together without doing the testing first.

    27. GermanGirl*

      Vaxxed (except the small kids) and tested (everyone) is our rule for getting together with friends/family indoors and unmasked.

      We sometimes meet friends (all of them vaxxed except the small kids) outside at the playground without everyone getting tested first. Maybe that’ll change when Omicron hits the area.

      We currently avoid meeting strangers with unknown status as much as we can, so no unnecessary shopping or using public transportation or things like that. But we’ve not yet started to order our groceries. We use N95 masks and try to hit the least busy times at the supermarket.

      I still go to dance class because it’s only open to people who are double vaxxed and tested or triple vaxxed, and they have air purifiers running, but I wear an N95 the whole time, which is not mandatory.

    28. Loopy*

      I want to say thank you to everyone’s who’s commented so far- I didn’t realize it but I was also feeling so isolated with only the news and my family who are at a far end of the spectrum and just hearing others are struggling to navigate this as much as me made me feel so much less alone. In the first year of the pandemic there was such a “we’re all in this together” sentiment and somewhere along the line suddenly everything became confusing and polarized and I didn’t realize how much I missed feeling like anyone out there was struggling like I was (not that I want that, but it does help not feel so isolated).

      Also so grateful for the AAM crew being so respectful, with how disdainful my family are of anyone making the decision to go out at all, it’s nice to see people falling on different places in the spectrum of responses and no one has attacked anyone.

      My heart goes out to everyone feeling undecided about upcoming holiday plans.

    29. cleo*

      Having to keep make the same decisions over and over with slightly changing information is stressful and tiring. At least it is for me.

    30. *daha**

      I’d been a regular gym-goer until Michigan shut everything down in, I think, May 2020. My my weight went up, my glucose and A1c (diabetes measurements) went up, my clothes got tight, etc. When my gf and I were both fully vaccinated I started back up again, but wearing a mask there including my 40 minutes on the elliptical. Omicron means it isn’t safe for me to keep going there. My weight and diabetes and age make me too vulnerable if I get infected, and omicron is highly likely to infect me there since no one else is masked and the vaccine + booster can still let it through. I can’t risk the “mild” cases.

    31. RagingADHD*

      My area got hit so hard for so long with Delta that we aren’t seeing much fallout from Omicron yet. A slight increase in cases, but hospitalizations and deaths haven’t ticked up yet (and may not for a while because of a lack of hosts).

      We came up with a plan earlier this year that we felt we could live with pretty much indefinitely. We’re vaxxed, my husband is 3x and I’m getting my booster next week, the kids aren’t eligible to boost yet.

      We mask indoors unless it’s a small group who are all vaxxed. We do church and school events, shop, and see friends. We go to the gym and work out masked. We wash our hands and sanitize a lot. We get swabbed if anyone has
      symptoms (no positives yet).

      We don’t plan to change the routine unless there’s public health guidance that advises it. I’m not a doctor or a researcher, and I figure second guessing the guidance is just as suspect in one direction as it is in the other. If I trust the CDC and the health department about masking & taking the vaccine, I’m also going to trust them about feeling free to live life.

    32. David*

      Personally, my approach has been that almost anything I can do that involves contact with other people is safer to not do at all. The only exceptions are when I go out to shop for food or other unavoidable things like getting my driver’s license renewed (or getting vaccinated!), and of course whenever I do have to come in contact with other people I wear the best mask I have available and spend as little time there as possible. I don’t travel at all except for the aforementioned necessities, in particular absolutely no long-distance travel; no visiting friends or family; no live events of any kind; no dining in restaurants; and I’m exclusively working from home. Of course I know that this lifestyle doesn’t work for most people, but at the same time I do think most people – even people who are legitimately trying to do the right thing – could be avoiding interaction more than they are.

      Everything I’ve been hearing about the omicron variant suggests that it’s far more easily spread than the delta variant – somewhere between 5-40 times, depending on how you measure. The number is certainly less for vaccinated people than unvaccinated, less with masks than without, and so on, but in every case it’s still high. (Some of this information comes directly from epidemiologists studying the virus; I follow a lot of scientists on Twitter.) At this point, who knows if there’s any way to avoid a situation where COVID becomes an endemic disease that infects many millions of people a year, every year, for the foreseeable future, but if there is, I’m pretty sure it depends on people drastically decreasing how often they come in contact with each other.

      So, while I know it’s not my place to tell people how to live their lives, my (decidedly non-expert but hopefully well informed) recommendation to anyone who would like to hear a recommendation is this: anything you’re considering doing that brings you into contact with other people, if you can safely skip it, do so. Period.

    33. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

      I really don’t know what to do. Back in October, when things seemed to be improving, my sister talked me in to planning a trip back to the US for New Year’s (and my grandmother’s 90th birthday). As things stand right now I can still go on the trip (we’ve both had our boosters and stay home most of the time except to go to the supermarket, and all of our holiday parties were cancelled) but I haven’t actually made all of the final arrangements. And my husband is afraid that we’ll be bringing Omicron from the UK with us, although it’s already everywhere as far as I know. So I’m still wavering on whether to pull the plug.

    34. allathian*

      I’m not feeling lost, but certainly cautious, and a bit dismayed. I’d been cautiously hopeful that we were over the worst of it, but now with omicron that’s not realistic.

      I’m being very picky about when and where I interact with people. I’m more willing to interact with people I know and trust than random strangers, or coworkers when I don’t know the degree of precautions they’re taking. I realize that this is a luxury many people don’t have, so I’m grateful of my privilege: I have a job that can be done fully remotely, and an employer that puts employee health before intangibles like fostering community spirit (a value I support in unexceptional times), never mind a butts-in-seats mentality.

      My employer is recommending that everyone who can work from home should do so, to protect those who can’t (less than 10 percent at my office). We’re still allowed to go to the office for essential things, and with the manager’s permission for when it isn’t strictly necessary, but I’m not going unless I have to. My manager ordered a new work phone for me, but I haven’t picked it up yet. Getting all the software installed is going to take most of a day, and I’ll need to be at the office to do it, so I can get help from IT if I need it.

      Mask mandates are in place now at the office, and while I fully approve, I can’t see to work without glasses, and I haven’t found a mask that will fit snugly enough to avoid fogging, and I’ve tried plenty.

      We’re back to my husband being the only one who does our shopping. I’m not planning on doing any international travel for the foreseeable future, and only traveling in-country by car.

      Our son’s had his two shots, we’re scheduled to get our boosters after Christmas, and my parents and in-laws have all had their boosters. So we’re still planning a family Christmas this year, as long as all of us remain symptom-free. Our son’s gone to school, but other than that we’ve been voluntarily limiting contact even more than usual, and will continue to do so, for 10 days before Christmas.

    35. the cat's ass*

      I feel this. I work in healthcare, so i’m triple vaxxed and masked in a pristinely clean clinic. I grocery shop weekly and DH hits Costco every couple of weeks for the rest, usually during senior citizen hours early in the morning and it’s empty. We’ve taken a couple of short car trips as a family to outside things, two camping trips with our GS troop during the summer (we all slept in our separate cars), and while i adore takeout, I haven’t eaten inside a restaurant since Christmas of 2019. I did go out with a friend and we ate on the patio when it was warm. DD goes to school masked and there is at least one contact notification weekly but no close contact notifications. She and 4 friends went to a ramen joint of friday to celebrate the end of the semester and ate on the patio, even tho it’s freezing here. It’s pretty boring but we’ve all stayed healthy and plan to continue this plan for another few months till (hopefully) omicron blows over.

  14. Ditto*

    Input for your decision making –

    1. We have the same risk tolerance as you, but DH felt he had to attend a work seated dinner party last week at a restaurant. He’s vaxxed/boosted. Work a mask through most of it but was diagnosed 6 days later. This thing is spreading *exponentially*.

    2. However his symptoms seem to be very mild – like a bad cold. Most new variant cases seem to be milder. Caveat: age and pre-conditions can still make this dangerous but I’m seeing % more akin to flu fatalities than the original Covid death/hospitalization rate.

    I do feel the same sense of disorientation, like – I thought we were done with this but here we still are. I had to cancel a long-planned in-person brainstorming meeting with my team next week :-(

    2. Loopy*

      Stories like that are what is making me pause- I first read the booster was keeping you at the same level of protection from omicron and felt much relieved and went about life as a vaccinated, boosted, and masked person. This was probably almost 2 weeks ago. It seems like that is no longer accurate and that is a huge game changer for me. I think I’m also feeling thrown because they maybe said that too soon?

      1. Janet Pinkerton*

        Yeah omicron has convinced me we’re just all gonna get Covid at some point and that trying to fully avoid it is nearly impossible. Which is almost freeing? Being vaxxed reduces your symptoms which is twofold good—you aren’t as sick personally and you’re less likely to need hospital resources.

        1. rr*

          Yeah, I’m right there with you. I’m just hoping that the pills work and that they are here soon with a large supply. I am vaccinated and boosted, but I got a rapid test just now for symptoms. And apparently there is a large spread in my area. Which considering what I see is not that surprising.

          For me, I guess it isn’t so much as taking more restrictions as putting on hold plans I was looking forward to. Going out to see friends, going out to eat, maybe a book buying trip in a store.

          The only thing I can cut out at this point is work (I was remote before and won’t be allowed to be now and I need the job), medical appointments (not really optional) and the drive-through for coffee, which I do once or maybe twice a week, masked. Which I still might stop doing.

          We’re supposed to see my (vaccinated) nephew and his mother this weekend after 3 or 4 years, but we’ll see what my test results say. Honestly, just being in those walk-ins made me nervous. I tried so hard to get an at-home test, but couldn’t. And I had to go in to try, which makes me feel more exposed, even masked. And when I asked about it at one place, the woman I asked pulled down her mask to answer me. That is exactly the reaction I would have right to someone asking me about buying a covid test! No wonder things are getting worse.

        2. Cookie*

          We are all going to get some variant at some point (virologist and epidemiologist friends confirmed this for me). The hard part is not knowing how bad your case will be, so I’m not in a hurry to get it for that reason. I mask indoors, period. Even at the gym, where I go at odd hours so it will be less busy.

        3. Falling Diphthong*

          According to a medical friend of my daughter’s, getting her third shot a few months after her covid bout (which was like a bad cold) will make her super immune for a while, in the sense of how many variations her body has some primed cells to combat.

      2. Venus*

        I think the masking is much more valuable than many politicians admit. Our cases of Omicron here are related to indoor gatherings where people ate and drank without masks. Rules have now changed so that indoor events are always masked. I know of places where the vaccination rate isn’t high yet they wear masks constantly, including outdoors, and their rates are relatively good.

        I know that we don’t yet have answers and I could be wrong, but I feel that masks are what reduces your chance of getting covid. The vaccinations and booster help reduce that chance, but mostly they greatly reduce the risk of going to hospital.

    3. Mia*

      Same thing just happened to my husband, however now our 2 yo can’t go to school for 10 days and I’m unable to work bc I’m watching him and keeping my fingers crossed since I am pregnant. So yes, not greatly affecting my husband but could impact the rest of us. And it’s such a ripple effect – I was talking to a coworker whose dad was diagnosed with cancer a couple months ago but he can’t get his surgery scheduled because of all the covid cases. It’s so disheartening.

      1. Ditto*

        Yes! I’m so glad DH isn’t Really Sick but the ripple effects are so disruptive. We just visited my parents locally – should they now cancel their visit to my brother’s family? Work, daycare/school, plans … all up in the air.

      2. fueled by coffee*

        Ugh, so sorry about your husband and your coworker’s dad, and keeping my fingers crossed that you manage to avoid this!

        But I absolutely agree with you on the ripple effects. If I do get covid, my own personal risk for complications is super low (young, healthy, triple-vaxxed) and I don’t interact with anyone very high risk in my day-to-day life. But I’m very concerned that skyrocketing cases mean hospitals full of unvaxxed or immunocompromised covid patients, and then what happens when I get hit by a car or have a kidney stone and need medical care? If being careful and wearing a mask and limiting large gatherings keeps me from accidentally sending someone immunocompromised to the hospital, I will keep doing it!

        I’m EXHAUSTED from living through this pandemic, and I understand that social interaction is necessary for mental health and individuals are operating within our own levels of risk tolerance (I won’t eat indoors in a restaurant, but I’ve been to small unmasked dinners with 2-3 friends at someone’s apartment, for example), but treating this like an individual problem where people are just looking out for themselves is so aggravating — I despise anti-vaxxers as much as the next person, but the things you do affect everyone around you!

  15. Let me be dark and twisty*

    If you’ve been on crutches, how do you deal with the sore arms and muscles that come from using them?

    Broke my ankle a month ago and my arms are so sore from the crutches that I’ve had to use two hands for simple tasks like brushing my teeth or holding cups/drinks because otherwise my hands shake too much. Good news is that I’m getting a scooter soon so hopefully that will help.

    But man oh man do I wish the Harry Potter spells for healing/regrowing broken bones was a real thing.

    3. Cookie*

      The scooter makes a world of difference. Other than that I remember planning my activities such that I didn’t have to pick up something delicate very soon after a long crutch session. Resting for a minute or two may steady your hands enough to brush your teeth. Crutch into the bathroom, sit down on the lid and wait a bit before attempting to brush. Keep a magazine in there for something to read while you wait!

      Broken ankle was awful, for me – I hated trying to sleep and not being free to move into any position. Blow drying my hair was also a hell of a chore, and doing dishes was no fun. I hope your recovery is as speedy as it can be!

    4. The Dogman*

      For muscles strains I recommend HMB capsules (Calcium B-Methylbutyrate Monohydrate) . It is a precursor amino-acid that counters muscle wastage and supports muscle growth.

      We produce it naturally, there is no ill effect from overdoses (you just don’t use it all and the body gets rid of it), and it is synthesised for exercise/muscle damage recovery and for people with muscle wasting conditions etc.

      I take 4 a day or so as it stops minor strains from dogs pulling on lead from becoming crippling injuries.

      Cannot recommend this supplement more!

    5. PA Julia*

      The crutches may be too long. If they’re pressing into your under arms they can compress nerves affecting your hands. The top of the crutches should be a little below the under arm, not bearing any weight. You stabilize it between your upper arm and chest wall.
      Ask your orthopedist office if they have someone who can check. Or a physical therapist. Or just try shortening the hand grip.
      There are problems you tube videos. Maybe even something on your doctor’s website. Good luck!

    6. fposte*

      I would add to the advice to double check their height; they’re also supposed to be bracing against your torso rather than propping you up under your arms. Of course, you may be doing those things–it’s just hard on arms to do this extra work–but it’s worth checking to make sure.

    7. Free Meerkats*

      Having had 4 broken ankles (well, one was a serious sprain that took longer to heal than any of the breaks) in addition to the height under your arms, check the handle height. The tops should be about 2″ below your armpits when standing straight up and the handles about hip high. You should be able to use them with a slight elbow bend and not feel you’re vaulting over them at every step. And support yourself with the heels of your hands without a strong grip.
      But the knee scooter is a game changer, just feet one that steers.

      1. Cookie*

        I did love whipping around the grocery store on that thing while someone else followed me with a cart. It was probably the only fun moment in a winter of healing from a nasty break.

    8. WoodswomanWrites*

      I concur with others that the height of the crutches might not be correct. Have a medical professional give them a look and customize them for you. That made a world of difference for me.

  16. On Fire*

    Anyone have alpha-gal syndrome? A woman at The Place We Don’t Discuss On Weekends has it. I’m planning to give her a jar of homemade jam. I use Certo fruit pectin in my jam — but it contains lactic acid. She said as long as jellies aren’t made with gelatin, she can eat them. But is lactic acid likely to trigger her allergy?
    Hers manifests as gastro distress rather than anaphylaxis, but I don’t want her to spend the weekend vomiting because she ate a teaspoon of jam!
    Thanks in advance!

    1. Colette*

      I’d suggest being really clear about what’s in the jam, and letting her decide to eat it or not based on that. She’s going to know her restrictions best.

      1. On Fire*

        Oh, of course! I’m just thinking that if it’s *likely* to cause problems, I’ll give her something different entirely. In which case I need to go shopping this weekend.

        1. Cookie*

          Maybe give her something else too, so if she can’t eat the jam she can serve it to guests or regift it?

          Alpha Gal is the weirdest…did you hear the Radiolab segment about it?

    2. Dwight Schrute*

      I had never heard of it until this post but I have to say I initially thought you were trying to say she was essentially a mean girl and was very confused by the allergen part. Looked it up and it sounds rough to live with!

      1. On Fire*

        Lol. It does sound like a mean girl, doesn’t it? Yes, it’s very limiting for her. Plus she has other allergies, so eating has become Not Fun for her. That’s why I’m trying to make sure she can eat this jam. She LOVED it (before this allergy started), and I’d like for her to get a tiny bit of food pleasure.

    3. Reba*

      Certo claims to be vegan. Anyway, your colleague is the best source on this!

      Just weighing in because I know this Fun Fact! Lactic acid is so named because it was first discovered/isolated fermenting in milk. It doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with animals and in fact is usually derived from plants.

      1. On Fire*

        Ah, interesting. I couldn’t find anything about it being vegan when I was googling, so thank you! (Most results were about using Certo to get a clean drug test…)

    4. Lizy*

      Can you just… ask her? I mean, I know if it’s supposed to be a surprise you may not want to, but it might be best to just say “hey, I was hoping to surprise you but I want to be sure I don’t accidentally poison you… are you ok to eat these ingredients?”

      I learned my lesson when I gave my friend an allergic reaction to my dandelion jelly (which is freakin’ amazing. If anyone has a chance to eat dandelion jelly, do it. Sooooo yummy). She’s allergic to dandelions and her throat swelled up. Thankfully it wasn’t too bad but still. Whoops…

  17. LadyWhistledown*

    Best winter survival tips?

    We’re new to New England with our first real snowstorm happening today. What are your favorite tips for staying safe (house prep, snow removal, logistics etc) and/or staying cozy (lots of wine for mulling, plenty of hot cocoa, all the fuzzy blankets).

      1. LadyWhistledown*

        I had no idea that was a thing! Thank you for the helpful tip and I’m going to find the vent today so I know what area to keep clear.

        1. Colette*

          If you have an older furnace, it may not be an issue, but if it’s natural gas that vents directly outside (not through the chimney), it’s important.

          1. LadyWhistledown*

            The house uses oil for the furnace plus a pellet stove for alternate heating. But I’ll keep my eyes peeled either way!

    2. usernames are anonymous*

      Not so much for the house but for the car – remote starter if you don’t already have one. I moved from Miami to New Jersey and got one installed in my car so I could start it up before I left the house or the office so the windshield would be defrosted and the car warm to get into.

      1. LadyWhistledown*

        Our car is sadly too old for remote start BUT that’s definitely going on the list for the next vehicle! I love the idea of not spending ages scraping off snow and ice from the windshield.

        1. usernames are anonymous*

          You might want to check with your local garage if they can do it as an add-on. I had an old car at the time and had it installed by a local mechanic.

          1. LadyWhistledown*

            Interesting! That’s really good to know. Car is about to go in for an oil change so I’ll see if they can add it. Thank you so much!

        2. Bibliothecarial*

          Get a windshield cover – they are around $10, available from many major retailers, and you can flourish the snow, ice, and frost off in one fell swoop. Mine has mirror covers too!

      2. cat socks*

        I love my remote start. When I used to go into the office, I would start my car at the end of the day before leaving.

        The first car I had it on was a 2004 Accord. Viper is a common brand. Places like Best Buy will do the installation or there are other places that specialize in car electronics, stereos, etc.

      3. I take tea*

        If not a remote starter, then an engine pre-heater should always be used, if possible. That’s just a cable, it should be easy to add. Much better for both car and the environment. It will make the car warm much faster too.

        1. I take tea*

          Also a cover for the car top cuts down a lot on the scraping! And a showel and some cat sand in the back of the car if/when you get stuck.

    3. Michelle*

      I always like to do a thorough clean of my house before a storm. We have a track record of losing power, and knowing that my chores are all taken care of takes some of the stress off. I make sure the laundry is caught up and the dishwasher has been run, etc. so we have clean items for awhile. It gets dark much earlier in the winter, so having a light source, way of recharging electronics, even if it is with a portable power station that allows you to charge it ahead of time, that has outlets for plugging in USB, etc. is very helpful. I make sure ours is charged.

      I like to make chocolate chip cookies before a storm. It was a tradition that I started years ago, for no particular reason other than wanting to have treats in the house to enjoy if we were trapped for awhile.

      We make sure that the snow blower has had its tune-up and get gas for both it and the generator. The snow shovels are kept at the ready.

      Other than the cleaning/laundry, and doing some baking, I don’t really do much to prepare for a snow storm. We keep a well-stocked pantry year round, so we can typically avoid the rush for “bread and milk” that seems to happen. The threat of a heatwave, hurricane, or intense summer storm; however, is a completely different story. I have a list a mile long to prepare for those, as the threat is much greater if we lose power, even for a short time, and the damage potential is so much greater.

      1. Lady Whistledown*

        Ha! I’ve literally been tidying all morning. Just threw in a load of laundry and turned on the dishwasher so this totally resonates. I love the idea of baking something special ahead of a storm. I call that kind of stuff gifts from past me to future me.

        Good reminder to charge up phones and spare battery packs. My husband picked up gas yesterday for the generator and snow blower. We haven’t used a snow blower before but our landlady provides one in a little outdoor shed.

        1. Michelle*

          You sound like you have all of your bases covered then! I live in New England as well, though I don’t know how much snow, if any, we are expecting to get. I am just pulling my last sheet of m&m cookies out of the oven as I speak (type?). I decided to switch it up from my usual chocolate chip, since I had holiday m&ms in my stash.

          1. Lady Whistledown*

            Sounds delicious!! Perhaps I’ll just off my baking stone for some homemade pizza. Hard to beat warm carbs with hot cheese!

      2. Chauncy Gardener*

        This is exactly my pre-storm process too!
        We don’t have a generator, but have a wood stove fireplace insert and a gas stovetop and grill, so we can cook.
        We make sure whatever driveway reflectors we need are out (although my husband plows, but if it’s dark and there’s a lot of snow, it’s hard to see the edges)
        And I always have a lot of candles and fairy lights on hand, so if we lose power it feels more magical and fun than a pain in the neck. (unless it goes on for more than a day or two, that is!)

    4. Let me be dark and twisty*

      Shovel the snow periodically through the storm if it’s one of those day-long storms/blizzards, maybe every two or three hours, instead of waiting till it’s over. If you shovel throughout the storm, the snow should be lighter and easier to remove. Whereas if you wait till the end, then the snow will be heavier since it’s all packed in and there will be a lot more so your risk of getting injured is higher. And make sure you know which way the wind is blowing when you are shoveling so it doesn’t blow on your face too much.

      Of course all bets are off if you have a snowblower since they’re amazing. Depending on how much snow your area gets, a snowblower could be a nice long term investment if you decide to get one, do your shopping and purchase in late spring/early summer when demand is low so you get good prices. Delivery might take longer but the deals can be really good.

      1. Lady Whistledown*

        We lucked out with a snowblower! Haven’t used it yet but I suspect we’ll be proficient by the end of the season.

    5. Lifelong Winter Survivor*

      You’re gonna want a good shovel (ideally one with the metal tip for breaking ice), good gloves, and good boots. Then you’ll also want a hat that covers your ears and a face mask or scarf to cover your nose. When you’re shoveling, you will actually warm up quite a bit, so go a step down in torso layer than you would if you were just walking. Shoveling is also easier if you take breaks or alternate; you don’t have to get it all done in one go. Car scrapers are also important. I have one that is a combo scraper and brush and has an extendable handle (essential for getting the roof of my car).

      There’s a common joke about how when a storm is coming everyone rushes out to get bread, milk, and eggs. That’s not necessary unless you’re low on one of them and the storm will impact your ability to run to the store for a bit. It’s also not a bad idea to have windshield wiper fluid on hand, but not essential.

      1. Lady Whistledown*

        Ah I hadn’t even inspected our shovels yet (they’re provided by the landlady). If there isn’t one with a metal tip I’ll track one down! I did purchase an extendable combo brush/scraper so I promise we won’t be the people with a ton of snow on the roof of the car!

    6. Falling Diphthong*

      1) If your cars are parked outside, keep a snow brush in the house. (Ours lives with the umbrellas.) Then if you need to excavate your car, the brush isn’t inside the car.

      2) Figure out where your flashlights, candles, and matches are before the power goes out. It’s rare for us to lose power (we hypothesize we live near a power company executive) but you don’t want to be flailing around the house in the dark trying to remember where you saw a flashlight 5 months ago.

      3) It can be easier to shovel often. (A few inches at a time, rather than the whole foot at once.) The exception is if it’s supposed to turn to freezing rain at the end–it’s much easier to break up an ice layer on top of a few inches of snow, than an ice layer on top of your driveway and sidewalk.

      1. Lady Whistledown*

        Our snow brush is in the car so I’m going to remove it right now – can’t believe I didn’t think of that!

        My partner is a bit of a prepper so we have oceans of flashlights but that’s an excellent reminder to put a couple more of them in easy to spot locations.

        The weather is going to flirt with snow/rain today so im bracing for a nasty mix of snow and ice.

      2. Bad Skin*

        I actually keep snowbrushes both in my house and in my car so I don’t have to remember to move them back and forth. (I’ve had to excavate my car at work before, sometimes without expecting to need to.)

        The freezing rain tip is a good one! I always thought it’d be bad to have to shovel both snow and frozen rain because it’s heavy and wet, but it’s true that ice on top of pavement is hard to deal with!

      3. Ali*

        Same thing with your shovel – make sure your only shovel isn’t inside your car trunk, in case the car gets completely buried in 4-5 feet of snow (ask my how I know…Boston about ten years ago…)

      4. PT*

        If you’re on the same part of the power grid as a hospital, your power will stay on even as the rest of the city goes down. I was half a mile from a Level 1 trauma center during a hurricane that took the whole city’s power down for 7-10 days, I had no idea it was that bad until my husband went back to work. My power was on the whole storm.

    7. It’s snowing here too*

      Always clear the tailpipe of your car before turning it on. Always. If it’s blocked by snow, the cabin will fill & that is often fatal.

      If you are shoveling, not using a snowblower, give yourself breaks rather than trying to do it all at once.

      Safety kit for your car should include snow brush & a small shovel, but also a way to keep warm. I have an old down comforter & a wool throw in the backseat, with extra hats & mittens. (Wool will help keep you warm even if it’s wet, down won’t.) I try to remember to swap out a phone power charger for the car when the weather is bad, so I have an extra power source if needed. (If left out in the cold too long those batteries lose power.)

      We have a battery operated lantern easily accessible for the house, & a good supply of batteries.

      1. Texan In Exile*

        Also, drinking water, M&Ms (or granola bars or some kind of food that keeps), a candle, and matches in the trunk. Basically, stuff to keep you alive if you’re caught in a blizzard.

      2. Lady Whistledown*

        I’m going to make the car safety items a priority for tomorrow – especially since we have a young son. Want to be sure we always have a way to stay warm, hydrated, and fed. Thank you for the excellent list!

    8. Bad Skin*

      I keep a spray bottle of de-icer/windshield fluid in my car to help remove ice on my windows. (Defrosters in the back/rear windows and warming up your car probably works better, but I find that this still helps if the ice is on your side windows or your car takes a while to warm up.)

    9. C in the Hood*

      If you have sidewalks, I ask on behalf of your pedestrian dog-walkers & neighbors & to clear them well. Especially up to your mailbox.
      Another snow-shoveling tip: before you shovel, spray the surface with WD-40 to keep the snow from sticking to it. (A friend told me this & it really helps!)
      Car: make sure it has > 1/4 tank (if it gets really cold & there’s little gas, it can freeze); if not, be sure to have some dry gas on hand (available at gas stations).
      If you have a power outage & you have a generator, DO NOT run the generator inside the house due to carbon monoxide.
      Apologies if you know some of these already!

      1. A313*

        Yes, about the generator. Skimmed an article the other day about how companies that make portable generators could make them (at additional cost, I presume) so they would generate less CO2, but don’t, and people die from not knowing/following safety instructions.

      2. Lady Whistledown*

        No sidewalks in our spot but totally agree on being a good citizen there! Love the WD-40 tip. Pure genius. We did know about generator operators from our time in hurricane land but always an excellent reminder! This house has an outdoor shed to keep the unit safely covered during operations.

    10. Michelle*

      One other safety tip, is that New England can be prone to wet, heavy snows that drag the trees down, causing branches to snap. (Not likely during this storm, but potentially.) If there has been a particularly heavy snow, use extreme caution when walking under tree boughs while shoveling and blowing snow. People have died when high branches break suddenly under the weight and crash down on them. You may also want to consider where you park your car for this reason as well. Every year there are pictures of cars that have been crushed by a tree branch falling on them.

      1. Koala dreams*

        Also, don’t walk too close to buildings with snow or ice on the roof. Sometimes those slide off the roof. :(

    11. old biddy*

      I’m in upstate NY. People here don’t do the last minute milk and bread rush, but it is good to not wait until the last minute to replace them or buy gas. Def. check the furnace vent early and often. Depending on the snow texture, I may go out and clear the walkway and the area next to the garage door once or twice if it’s fluffy and light so that it doesn’t have a change to ice up. Put a snow-clearing brush/scraper in the car and consider putting a blanket/coats/gloves/kitty litter/shovel in your car.
      If you’re at work, try to leave before it starts snowing too heavily.
      If the conditions are ok for it, I like to take a walk. I’m a little bit weird that way.
      For staying cozy, I like to bake bread and make a giant pot of soup.
      Next fall, clean your gutters, install a new furnace filter, put up the driveway marking sticks, put on the snow tires, clear away any plant debris from the yard, etc.

    12. Not So NewReader*

      I have ended up being responsible for a shared driveway (long story). I try to get out while it’s still day light to do my last clean up before bed. And in the morning I try to wait for daylight to finish the clean up. This is not always possible with work, but I do it on days I can because dang! this gets tiring and even more so if I have to snowblow in the dark.

      We watch for freezing rain predictions. It is easier to remove the ice if there is snow under it. This changes how we respond to each storm, really. North of me there are freezing rain predictions so I am just waiting and watching. The snow has started here, but I can still see blades of grass sticking up. Predictions vary and go up to as much as 8 inches for today.

      When cleaning the mouth of your driveway do not assume cars can see you. They may be distracted by someone else or the snow piles might be too high or the road might be slippery. Tuck in for safety when you see a car coming.
      If your snow thrower has lights, please use them at dusk as well as after dark.

      Keep a set of jumper cables in the house. I can tell you first hand the cables freeze and you can’t uncoil them.
      At one point my husband had a car with a block heater. We set up an extension cord with an indoor/outdoor timer so the block heater would come on about 2 am. We always had one car that would definitely start.

      Locks freeze. Lock de-icer does no good in the car when the car doors are frozen. I get several and put them in my handbag, tote bag and a couple of coats.

      Windshield washer fluid graded for winter temps is well worth the money. My friends shared the idea of using Rainx on my car windows and that makes a HECK of a difference in cleaning off the ice.

      Those snow brooms for cars that are shaped like the letter T are a gift to humankind. They have a spongy soft head and they are on a long pole. Well worth the money spent, as it only takes a couple minutes to clear a car. One place I worked, I did my older cohort’s car too, both cars took me less than five minutes.

      I carry a covered bucket of sand with me in my car If I get stuck in a minor way, the sand will get me out. If I get stuck in a big way, I am probably calling for help.

      Speaking of calling for help- if you have Triple A or roadside assistance through your insurance- find those numbers and put them in your wallet or on your cell. Know where the number is.

      Check on the older folk around you- even if it’s just to look out the window and make sure no tree has fallen on their house. Give a quick check. I’m not *that* old but last year we had a sudden BAD storm and I could not use my tractor as it was just too much. A neighbor touched my heart when she called, “Got a plan for your driveway? No? I am sending someone to you!” oh my. (I ended up needing a front end loader on that one.)

      Starting a winter prep list and keeping it from year to year is very helpful.

    13. Girasol*

      If you get icicles on the eaves, water from the melting snow on the roof can puddle behind the ice dam and then leak into your ceiling. The builder of our place says we need to rake down the snow on the eaves so there’s no icicle buildup, or else to mount a heating wire to melt the snow off the eaves and prevent ice dams.

    15. SofiaDeo*

      I have a small Honda generator inverter for emergency use, for heat and running fridge/freezer. Originally got for camping! Get indoor/outdoor oversized extension cords. Plan on only using about 1/2 the generator wattage for extended time periods, there is a small wattage surge when starting appliances so be careful not to overload. I got a 2200 watt rated one, and either use the 500/750 watt radiator setting with a few hundred watts left over for lamps, or I turn off the radiator during the day and run the fridge/freezer along with coffepot, or electric skillet or other small wattage cooking appliances.I got a small oil filled radiator that can be rolled around, is almost silent, and isn’t a fire danger. The Honda generator costs $1K-1500K, the radiator around $50. This is for the “quick and easy to do” emergency setup. After losing power for 30 hours this past week, I am looking at a small whole house natural gas generator that kicks in when the electric goes out. I don’t want to spent big bucks (i.e. $10K) making it so the entire house is 100% functional as it is during “no inclement weather”, so we are looking at just enough to run heat/AC, plus fridge/freezer, and some kitchen appliances and a few lamps. The unit I am looking at costs $2K-3K plus installation. Will be going to Home Depot next week to start the process.

    16. Lady Danbury*

      On the less practical side, invest in stylish (whatever that means to you) yet warm outerwear. For a significant portion of the year, the only clothing most people will see are your coat, boots, scarf and hat. If you’re at all into fashion, the same boring black puffy coat gets old fast. I lived in Michigan for 8 years and built up a wardrobe of fuchsia, red, tan, grey and black coats with fun details such as belts or wide collars. Materials like wool, wool/cashmere blends and thinsulate lining will help add warmth but still look sleek. Even the puffy jackets have stylish options now (or maybe they always did and I just didn’t realize it). Earmuffs can be a welcome change from hair crushing hats. Warm scarfs come in an entire rainbow of colors and patterns. Post-holiday sales are a great time to stock up on winter gear.

      1. Lady Whistledown*

        I confess I’m not terribly stylish but I do love a nice pop of color. I’ll keep an eye out for cozy hats and scarves!

    17. cleo*

      For your car: keep a box of kitty litter or bucket of sand in the trunk to use as traction grit if you get stuck. Cardboard also works for traction – I use flattened shipping boxes.

    18. David*

      A list of assorted tips (for context, I grew up in upstate New York so these are based on my experience there, yours may vary):

      Make sure to run the snowblower (or shovel, if applicable, though I noticed you mentioned you have a snowblower) before the snow gets deeper than the blower’s intake. A few years ago I was clearing the driveway through a big storm where 3 feet of snow fell in one day, and it would have been pretty much impossible to remove all the snow in one go at the end. Instead I went over the whole driveway every couple of hours, so I only had to remove like 8 inches at a time. It was quite a workout but definitely doable. (I was using a shovel in that case; with a snowblower it’s faster and you can handle more snowfall at once, but the same general idea applies.)

      Keep a shovel right by your door, or in an enclosed area where you can get to it even if there’s too much snow to walk through.

      Get a roof rake for clearing large snow accumulations from your roof. Well-built roofs are pretty strong and can hold a decent amount of snow, but it is possible for it to accumulate over a season (especially if there’s a particularly big storm) to the point where it puts a strain on the roof.

      If you’re in a situation where you have a driveway that connects to a road plowed by the local government, be prepared for a big pile of snow at the end of your driveway after the plow goes by. Unlike the fresh snowfall, this will be very dense, compressed snow. Depending on the circumstances, you might not be able to clear it with a snowblower; you might need a sturdy shovel to get rid of it, and make sure to shovel smaller chunks than you ordinarily would because it’s so heavy.

      Speaking of plowing: different roads get plowed at different times, and over time you’ll get a sense of where your street falls in the plowing priority, and thus how long you’re likely to have to wait after a significant snowfall before you can go out driving. You might find that certain grocery stores, gas stations, or other businesses are not accessible at certain times during a snowstorm because of the plowing patterns.

      If you go out driving in snow (and if you’re like most people you probably will, at some point, even if it’s not actually during the storm), make sure to leave extra space between you and the cars around you. If my experience is any indication, just because people are used to driving in snow doesn’t mean they will do it safely!

      When driving in wintry weather, well-trafficked roads are the safest, as long as it’s not too cold. The cars’ tire tracks keep parts of the road clear of snow and keep the moisture from freezing. Next best is driving on plowed and salted roads. After that, driving on packed snow; you can definitely do it, but your tire traction will be much less than normal, so stay slow and try to avoid sudden acceleration, deceleration (brakes), or sharp turns, because your car might refuse to cooperate. The most dangerous driving condition is “black ice”, where a thin layer of water freezes on an otherwise clear road. It can look just like a wet road.

      Any time you do take your car (or whatever vehicle you have) out driving in wintry weather, get it washed at the first opportunity after the weather warms up, and *make sure* to get an undercarriage/underside wash. At a lot of automatic car washes, it’s an option at some extra cost, but well worth it. The thing that really kills cars in wintry areas is road salt splashing up on to the bottom of the car.

      Whenever you or anyone else comes in from an extended period outside in cold weather (e.g. shoveling/blowing snow), they will appreciate having a hot drink prepared for them :-) Hot chocolate, tea, coffee, whatever you like.

      And last but most important: snow is fun! I mean, when it snows, don’t feel like you have to be stuck inside a warm house. If you feel like it, go out and make and throw snowballs or build a snowman/snow sculpture, if the snow supports it (it needs to be wet and heavy). Or, take a walk around your neighborhood or your yard if you have one. Accumulated snow is fantastic at absorbing sound, so during a proper snowfall (none of this freezing rain/wintry mix nonsense), it might well be the quietest and most peaceful environment you’ve ever been in. And that kind of wet, absorbent snow tends to fall when it’s not very cold, i.e. not far below freezing, so it won’t be too uncomfortable.

      1. Lady Whistledown*

        This was such a detailed and thoughtful compilation – thank you!!! We are one street in from a pretty well trafficked road that goes directly to a grocery store so we feel quite lucky (and will try to buy in this specific neighborhood!). I’m planning to build a snowman this afternoon now that the driveway is all done!

    19. KR*

      I like to do several maintenance shovels during the storm so when you’re doing The Big After Shovel, it’s not as bad. It also helps if the snow turns wet and icy because it isn’t as heavy. It’s more time overall shoveling but less weight (and a workout)! Keep your phone on a charger and it’s not a bad idea to have some oil lamps around the house (the old timey glass ones) as they provide a lot of light and a good atmosphere in case of a power outage.

      1. KR*

        Also, in addition to keeping your shovel by the door or inside like David said… keep your snow brushes in the house and not in your car! Otherwise you will get snow in your car and it will be a pain trying to get the brush out to clear off your car. Have fun! I’m jealous of the snow!

    20. Morning reader*

      Yaktrax.
      Layers.
      Walking sticks with ski pole type attachment.
      Keep your phone in interior layer, it doesn’t like cold.
      Heater cats, indoors.

  18. CatCat*

    We got an Oculus! For those that have one, what apps and games do you like?

    I’ve watched some cool YouTube VR videos, used Maloka meditation app, tried Supernatural, played the demos of Beat Saber and Super Hot VR, and briefly explored the International Space Station (made me motion sick though). So far, it’s pretty cool. Super immersive. I cannot handle things where you sort of move/float through virtual space (made me nauseous) so no more space station for me (too bad because it was so neat!) and I use teleport on Maloka instead of floating/walking around my island.

    1. anon24*

      I have a valve index, so I don’t know if any of these games are available on the occulus, but my favorite VR games are Synth Riders, Blade and Sorcery, Until You Fall, and (the best quality VR game ever but rather genre specific) Half Life Alyx. Also would recommend Nature Treks VR and my spouse really likes Moss.

  19. Historical Fiction Recs*

    I’ve become quite obsessed with historical fictions since Outlander, trying to find some other amazing books! I’ve become very interested in my ancestry since it, and found that a lot of my family came to the US during the British Colonial America times. Would love to read some historical fictions that have to do with that time period, also enjoy reading WW1 and WW2 stories. Love me a good love story as well (Outlander… <3<3<3)

    I never even thought I could like this genre of books but it’s a great way to learn about history without having to read nonfiction.

    1. Angstrom*

      Patrick O’Brian’s Aubrey/Maturin series that starts with “Master and Commander” is excellent.

      WWII: “HMS Ulysses” by Alistair MacLean

      US Civil war: “The Killer Angels” by Michael Sahara

      1. I take tea*

        I was just thinking of the HMS Ulysses the other day. Well written, but dear me it’s really bleak. Not his most uplifting story, to put it mildly.

    2. AY*

      For something on the historical side, you might want to try Ken Follett’s Century series. The first one is called Fall of Giants, and it’s set in World War I. Follett always has lovers separated by circumstances and villains, but it’s definitely not steamy like Outlander. For that, I would recommend Discovery of Witches. You have to wait until the second book for the historical stuff, but it’s super fun when it happens.

    3. Reader*

      Seconding the Sahara recommendation. He’s got a whole ton of books set during all different US wars. The Glorious Cause is set during the American Revolution and is excellent.

      Less historical fiction and more period romance, but To Love and To Loathe is one of the funniest and best books I’ve read in ages.

      1. Reader*

        Can’t believe I forgot these:
        The Paragon Hotel – historical thriller set in a Black hotel in 1920’s Portland, Oregon
        The Night Tiger – a mystery set in 1930’s Malaysia that starts with a seamstress who moonlights as a dancehall girl finding a severed finger

        Not historical fiction, but non-fiction written in a novelistic style: the works of Erik Larson. I’ve only read Devil in the White City (twining together the 1893 World’s Columbian Exposition in Chicago and H.H. Holmes, a serial killer who operated in the area), but it was gripping. My dad has read and recommends both In The Garden of Beasts (about the family of the American ambassador to Germany in the 1930s) and Dead Wake: The Last Crossing of the Lusitania.

        1. Historical Fiction Recs*

          Thank you!!! Would be very into non-fiction that’s written like that. They sound amazing!

    4. Aneurin*

      Children’s/YA literature but very enjoyable: The Witch of Blackbird Pond (New England in Colonial America) by Elizabeth George Speare, Bonnie Dundee (Jacobite uprising) by Rosemary Sutcliff.

      (Rosemary Sutcliff wrote exclusively (I think?) historical fiction, most set in Roman Britain through to the medieval period, a lot of her books are children’s/YA but – especially the YA ones – I still enjoy them as an adult.)

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I love The Witch of Blackbird Pond! I remember it getting passed around at school when I was a teenager. I donated a lot of books before moving, but I kept that one.

        Bookmarking this thread—I enjoy period fiction even if it’s not set in ancient times or several hundred years ago. There are a lot of good children’s/YA books set in the 1960s, etc. The Watsons go to Birmingham springs to mind. Richard Peck wrote several too—Fair Weather, set during the Chicago World’s Fair in 1893, and the Blossom Culp series in the early 1900s pre- and post-Titanic, particularly Ghosts I Have Been (that’s one of my favorites).

    5. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Morgan Llewelyn’s Irish Century series (5 books, all titled by years, first one is “1916”) goes from 1914 to the turn of the century, following the families of a couple of (fictional) Irish Republicans against the historical background.

      This isn’t quite the same, but — I enjoy Harry Turtledove’s alternative history. He tends to take the events of one time and/or place and … recast? them into a different setting, and it’s neat to see where they go. (Also, if you like science fiction, he has a series that’s WW2 getting interrupted when aliens invade, and it SOUNDS hokey in the one-line description like that, but it’s actually remarkably interesting, and very well thought out in its application. First book is “In The Balance.”)

      Someone else suggested Ken Follett’s Century books, and I second that, they’re great — his Kingsbridge series, starting with The Pillars of the Earth, is also excellent.

      1. LizB*

        I love Ruled Britannia by Harry Turtledove (what if the Spanish armada wasn’t destroyed by a storm, and conquered England in 1588?), but I haven’t picked up any of his other series – I may try In The Balance now!

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          There’s actually eight books in the series – a quad that covers the actual war with the aliens, a trilogy about the “immediate” aftermath (how the world stands 10-15 years on, IIRC) and a one-off that’s a little more distant :)

          Then I was reading another one of his books a while later and about busted a gut laughing when a sentry reported an issue to his superior and the response was “Hell’s bells, Turteltaub, next you’ll be telling me aliens have landed.”

          I did bounce pretty hard off his Atlantis series, but in general, I’ve really enjoyed just about everything of his that I’ve read.

    6. Shiara*

      Gillian Bradshaw and Rosemary Sutcliff are my two favorite historical fiction writers, although most of their stuff is more roman era.

      I really enjoyed the Sherwood Ring by Elizabeth Marie Pope, which is partially set during the revolutionary war.

    7. Fellow Traveller*

      More Revolutionary War than Colonial, but there’s a great mystery trilogy by Margret Lawrence featuring a midwife who solves murders. It’s called the Hannah Trevor Trilogy, the first book is Hearts and Bones. It’s fantastic, the writing is beautiful and evocative, and the plots really suck you in. I think the series is out of print but it’s worth seeking out.

    8. Dark Macadamia*

      I read a lot of WWI and WWII fiction:

      The Alice Network – reading it right now, alternates between a woman spy in WWI and a young pregnant woman post WWII

      Code Name Verity – YA but one of my favorites ever, a teen spy writing from a Nazi POW camp

      The Nightingale – sisters with a German soldier staying in their home in occupied France

      – Suite Francaise: written about French occupation while it happened, by a Jewish woman in hiding. It’s really extraordinary

    9. OyHiOh*

      The 1635 series, by Eric Flint, was one of my “not my genre, but damn good series” sets. Premise is a modern day village in West Virginia gets dropped into Bavaria/Germany in 1635. All hell breaks loose. The history of what was happening in Bavaria at the time is reasonably accurate for an alternative history novel and I appreciate that none of the characters dwell too hard on the long term historical impacts of what they’re doing. Everyone just trying to survive, and take care of each other.

      This is a series that immediately spawned a vast and enthusiastic fanfic community. Unlike some authors, Eric Flint embraced the community and he wrote several books in the series in tandem with fanfic authors, as well as having a couple of those authors publish books in the series fully on their own.

    10. T minus now*

      Phillippa Gregory has written a bunch of books set in the War of Roses and the Tudor Dynasty. Very well researched and a good read!

    11. Lizy*

      Phillipa Gregory has some awesome books, particularly the Plantagenet and Tudor books. She writes from the perspective of the women, and so while the historical facts are there, she’s able to take liberties into what they might have been thinking or feeling. It’s incredibly fascinating – she has covered a lot of the queens and main characters from Henry VIII’s great-grandmother at the beginning of the war of the roses, through Elizabeth I.

      I may or may not be rereading them chronologically for the bajillionth time, and I may or may not have discovered that I have duplicate copies of at least 2 of the books…

      1. Analyst Editor*

        I think her “Queen’s Fool” and “The Other Boleyn Girl” are the best; by the third or fourth you start seeing similarity in approaches to how she writes the character, which took me out of the story a bit.

        1. Lizy*

          Oh really?? I definitely don’t feel that haha! I’m reading “The White Princess” now (about Elizabeth of York – mother of Henry VIII for those who don’t know), and I feel like her personality is WAY different from that of her MIL Margaret Tudor or even her own mother Elizabeth Woodville.

    12. Florida Woman*

      A book that I enjoyed that deals with colonial history is Wind from the Carolinas. It focuses on Loyalists in places like the Carolinas who were basically run out of the US after the revolution and relocated to the Bahamas. As an American I had never learned much in school about the folks in the colonies who DIDN’T want independence to happen! It’s one of those multigenerational family sagas that includes plenty of relationships, not just the history.

      A historical series I recommend is the Hannah Vogel mystery series by Rebecca Cantrell. It’s set during the early Nazi era (1930s) and does a lot to illustrate exactly how the racial discrimination of the time changed workplaces, social interactions, and other aspects of the daily lives of people in Germany, especially Jewish people.

      If you ever want to focus on UK history, I highly recommend anything by Sharon Kay Penman. Here Be Dragons (13th century Wales) and The Sunne in Splendour (War of the Roses) are particular favorites of mine.

    13. LizB*

      Slightly later time period, but I love the Benjamin January series by Barbara Hambly – murder mysteries set in 1830s New Orleans, the main character is a free Black man, and the historical details around race and class in that setting are fascinating.

    14. PollyQ*

      Neal Stephenson’s 3-book Baroque Cycle. There is a LOT of plot and many characters, so it’s hard to sum up, but you can check the wikipedia pages if you want more details. (Note: Stephenson calls it science fiction, but it really isn’t. It’s historical fiction that’s partially about science with some tiny little itsy bitsy SFF details.)

    16. cleo*

      The Loyal League series by Alyssa Cole is set during the American Civil War – it’s historical romance and both the history and the romances are really good. Most of the main characters are spies for the Union working in the South during the war. My favorite is book 2. They all work as stand alones.

    17. RagingADHD*

      Try Stephanie Dray. My Dear Hamilton and America’s First Daughter are colonial/revolutionary war.

      The Women of Chateau Lafayette runs from 1774 to WWII.

    18. Booksy*

      I strongly agree with whoever recommended “The Killer Angels.” You don’t have to be interested in the American Civil War to like it. It’s a character study of the men involved on both sides and it’s amazing. Also: The books about Rome by McCullough — the first one is “The First Man in Rome.” All the synopses make these books sound very dull, but they are historical fiction full of intrigue, gossip, murder, heroics, you name it — and quite a bit of it is absolutely true, based on historical documents. A nonfiction book that reads like the best of fiction is Seabiscuit. I have NO interest in horse racing or horses in general, and I have reread this book three times. It’s so well-written, and makes you feel you know all the people in it. I also love Hawaii by James Michener, the prolific writer of historical fiction. It was written in the 50’s or 60’s, I think, so it does have some outdated notions in it that might irritate, but it’s a great story, and astoundingly, the most bizarre parts are true, based on a missionary wife’s recollections. Lastly (for now!): Shogun. Fabulous book. Some really harsh bits that are hard on the squeamish (that includes me), but an amazing book, based loosely on true events. Thanks for this thread, I love historical fiction and there are many books others have mentioned that I now look forward to reading!

    19. Sleeping Late Every Day*

      The Winthrop Woman by Anya Seton, set in 17th century England and the New England colonies. It’s historical fiction, but as well-researched as any good non-fiction.

  20. Morning Dew*

    Need help with my slow shower drain!

    So far, I have done:
    (a) plain hot water multiple times
    (b) 1/2 cup (kosher) salt + near boiling hot water + hot tap water multiple times
    (c) few TBS of blue Dawn dish detergent + near boiling hot water + hot tap water multiple times
    (d) I tried “snaking” with that long plastic gizmo but no hair is coming out (I already use a hair catcher for the drain).

    I know about hot water + baking soda + vinegar method but it is not effective.

    I’m seeing people talking about just plain white vinegar or mix hot water with white vinegar then pour or baking soda + salt + wait some time + hot water. I also read about using epsom salt? (Note: one blog said it doesn’t matter which salt you used. Then another site said to use table salt. I only have kosher salt so that’s what I used.)

    Can you please share what methods you have tried that worked for you? And can you please be as detailed as possible with the steps you take (like quantity of material and wait time and etc)? Thank you!

    2. Dwight Schrute*

      How long is your drain snake? When I do mine sometimes the clog is pretty deep in there and my snake needs to be long. Beyond snaking it yourself, there’s drano which I only use when other methods fail and then calling a plumber to come clear it for you.

    3. Dino*

      Instead of Dawn, use Cascade Complete liquid (green bottle, orange cap). Wait for the water to be actively boiling, then add in the Cascade Complete and slowly pour down the drain. Same idea as the Dawn, but more powerful. But the water really does need to be boiling to activate the Cascade.

      But yeah, sounds like plumber time if that doesn’t work.

    6. CatCat*

      The best chemical drain opener I’ve used is called Liquid Lightning. I purchase it at the hardware store.

    7. Generic Name*

      Can you remove the drain cover? There might be a hair clog you can reach easily and pull out. There’s also something that looks like a long zip tie that is sometimes effective at pulling hair clogs out.

      1. gsa*

        Yup. Remove the drain cover. I do this around once a year. I always find hair and always follow-up with Drano.

        Good luck,

        gsa

      2. Public Sector Manager*

        I was going to recommend this. I have a pop-up drain stopper and always snaked through the stopper when it was up and thought I was getting everything. Then I removed the stopper (super easy to do) and found a massive hair clog was in the stopper housing. Removed that and everything has been fine.

        Definitely do this first before calling a plumber.

    8. Dear liza dear liza*

      If you have a shower drain that screws into the floor, have you removed it and thoroughly cleaned it? You can also then have better access to cleaning the first section of pipe.

      PS My sister is in the trades and warned me to never use Draino or another chemical unless I’ve 100% given up messing with it. The last thing you want is to end up with chemicals on you!

    10. fposte*

      I would call in a rooter and make sure *not* to use Drano in the meantime, since that adds risk for the workers. Showers are especially prone to hair clogs, and most of these methods aren’t going to help much with those.

    11. Anonymous Not a Plumber*

      This is so embarrassing to admit that I’m going to hide behind a different user name. I ended up being so frustrated that I broke down, went to the hardware store and bought a heavy-duty industrial-strength drain cleaner that was basically “sulphuric acid.” I felt really uncomfortable about using something so toxic and corrosive and knowing that it was going into the waste water, but it did work. After I removed the bottle cap, I used a table knife to try to pry off the aluminum tab thingy that covered the opening and I somehow got some acid on the knife and it permanently corroded the end of the knife. Also, wear rubber gloves if you use something like this and have a window open, because the vapors can be toxic.

      1. Speaks to Dragonflies*

        Don’t worry about it getting in the waste water if its a municipal sewer system. More than likely once it hits the main line in the street, it was diluted enough that it won’t do much.

    12. Chauncy Gardener*

      Did you use a plunger? I run very hot water and then plunge like crazy. that tends to really loosen things up.
      My kitchen sink just got plugged yesterday, as a matter of fact. I plunged, probably 10-12 times, ran hot water. That cleared it enough to do the boiling water/baking soda/vinegar/boiling water thing and now it’s very clear.
      Good luck!!

    13. Lady Danbury*

      Try using a plunger. I have one that I only use in the shower (for obvious reasons, lol) and it makes a huge difference when it starts to drain slow. Far better than commercial products. Make sure that there’s enough water in the tub and then plunge as normal.

    14. PT*

      You need Instant Power brand drain cleaner! It’s in a big black bleach-style bottle labeled “Instant Power Hair and Grease drain opener” and the bottle is in a ziploc bag on top of that, because it is super caustic and poisonous. But it works really really well.

      We can’t snake our shower drain, the drain catch is grouted in place and can’t be removed without damaging the tile, and we use that regularly to get the gunk out.

    15. Pennyworth*

      When my shower went slow drain it turned out to be a huge lump of hair blocking it. I used a long, toothed plastic thingy to drag it out. Drano and vinegar / soda did nothing to it, but I did find a super strong bleach product that specifically said it dissolved hair but when I experimented with a clump of hair it didn’t seem to dissolve it over 24 hours. I now use a hair catcher on my shower drain.

    16. Observer*

      One thing we’ve found useful on occasion. Dump a gallon of plain bleach down the drain after everyone is done and don’t use the shower for a while. Preferably 24hours, but if you shower based on significantly different schedules, you want to try to make sure that you get in at least a solid 10 hour block.

      1. Melody Pond*

        omg, I urge you to reconsider this practice. Bleach can mix with other things that would go into your drains (like acids, ammonias, etc.) and create toxic and dangerous combinations. Bleach + vinegar = chlorine gas. Not to mention, bleach is incredibly hard on the environment – according to the EPA, one ounce of household bleach requires 312,000 ounces of water to be safe for fish. A gallon has 128 ounces. That means you need 39,936,000 ounces of water to make that safe for sea life.

        1. Observer*

          Nobody is pouring anything like vinegar down the shower drain or toilet, so that’s a non-issue. A kitchen sink can be more tricky, of course so that’s something to consider.

          As for the environmental impact, I’d point out that almost any way of clearing a clogged pipe is going to need to be diluted many times over – and it may not even be possible to make it “safe” for fish.

          1. Melody Pond*

            I’d point out that almost any way of clearing a clogged pipe is going to need to be diluted many times over

            Any chemical-based process of clearing a clogged pipe, perhaps. And if it’s not possible to make it safe for sea life, that’s exactly why I suggest that it should just be avoided altogether. Humans do depend on the ecosystem functioning properly, and damaging it puts us at risk in the long run. I believe it’s critical to think about the long-term big picture and not just what’s immediately in front of our noses in the short term.

            I suggest that the best option is to use a mechanical method of clearing clogged pipes – this is what I’ve always seen professionals do, rather than using chemical processes. You can buy extendable snaking tools with metal coils on the end that extend up to 25 feet and spin around inside the pipe to have a better chance at catching the clog. I believe we purchased ours on Amazon for less than $30, and any time we’ve had a slow drainage issue, we’ve managed to clear it with this mechanical approach – especially with a bit of patience and willingness to experiment.

            1. Observer*

              Mechanical means are not always practical. It’s nice that you got lucky. That doesn’t work for everyone in every drain. And getting a plumber in can be expensive (and sometime impractical.)

              So, I’m not about to forswear ever using chemical means of clearing drains.

          2. fhqwhgads*

            Vinegar is used by plenty of people for cleaning. And also if you google things to pour down a drain that aren’t drano to clear a clog, vinegar and baking soda will come up in a ton of the results. Probably a significant number of people pour vinegar down the shower drain and/or toilet.

            1. Observer*

              Of course. I’m talking in the context of just pouring down the sink on a random basis. Like, in the kitchen someone could be using vinegar then realize that they have too much and pour it in the sink or any of a dozen similar scenarios. In the shower, you’re only doing that when you want to clear the drain or clean the shower. But I’m having a hard time someone trying to clear a clog not knowing that they dump bleach down the drain to try to clear the clog.

    17. Pay No Attention To The Man Behind The Curtain*

      This would only work if the block is actually hair and not too deep, but I’ve used a depilatory like Nair to unclog the tub before. I dump about half a bottle down, run just a bit of water to wash it toward the block, and then let it sit for a long time (1-2 hours) before running hot water down. I figured if it’s okay on skin, it wouldn’t be as bad as Drano.

  21. Rosie*

    Has anyone used curology for skin care with rosacea? Did it work? I’ve had rosacea on and off my whole life (confirmed by various dermatologists) and I have a prescription but in the meantime my face is on fire and I just want someone to give me a daily routine to follow. If you’ve tried any other personalized skincare programs please share those too!

    1. Dwight Schrute*

      I used curology for acne and switched to apostrophe with better results. I’m not sure how they compare for rosacea though. I’m in a FB group for curology users so you may want to join and see what others have to say for rosacea. Hope you find something that works!

      1. HannahS*

        When my rosacea was bad, I used ivermectin cream and it worked a treat, though it’s a prescription so consult your doc, etc.

        For general care, I use Shiseido urban protect sunscreen and spectrojel soap. If I need moisturizer, I use spectrojel. It’s very gentle and decidedly…unglamomorus? It comes in bulky plastic jugs and is kind of gloppy and cloudy-looking; I assume it lacks the additives that would make it more spa-like. But it’s been very non-irritating.

    2. acmx*

      I’ve got an appointment to see about getting IPL for it.

      I think curology is mainly for acne. I did try it once for spots and wasn’t too impressed but I may not have been consistent enough (it’s been years).

    3. the cat's ass*

      Facial and ocular rosacea here! It sucks. I didn’t find cureology helpful at all. I use Honeyskin face wash followed by Bambuearth Petitgrain and jojoba moisturizer, followed by sunblock by Pipette. I’ve been following this program at the request of my dermatologist (after i exhausted a bunch of other products, my skin is SO sensitive) for the last year, and this is the best my skin has looked and felt in years. I also am weaning off minocycline and despite dropping from 200 mg down to 50 mg, my skin still looks and feels great. Good luck!

      1. fposte*

        It just clicked with me that my ocular rosacea may be why I’m having so many ocular effects with a current medication! Doesn’t solve anything, but it’s always nice to get a connection.

    4. Chauncy Gardener*

      I had a laser treatment for my really terrible rosacea probably 15 years ago and it worked a treat. Now I use anything with rose water in it for my face and it hasn’t come back

      1. Green Mug*

        I’m happy that you posted about laser treatment. I’ve been giving it serious consideration lately.
        For me, also with facial and ocular rosacea, I need to stay away from dairy/whey. My eye turns red if I even think about eating dairy.

  23. Dwight Schrute*

    I had an ask a manager dream this week. I wish I could remember more details but it had something to do with someone being horribly racist and it dividing the office and leading to a literal fist fight. I remember in the dream writing in to Alison to ask for advice! Has anyone else had an AAM dream?

  24. Not Tom, Just Petty*

    Saw this on Bored Panda this morning.
    I wish they had asked Alison.
    “Colleague Makes Woman Cry By Saying One Of The Office Cats Is Dumb And The Matter Reaches HR”

    (I tried to add the link, but my comment wouldn’t post. Can someone explain? Please and thank you.)

            1. Jackalope*

              It’s always possible that the Jorts and Jean story is fictional. But I will say that having a) read this blog for years and b) lived with cats for years, there’s nothing in the story that reads to me as implausible or excessive.

              1. Jackalope*

                I forgot to add that I’ve also been around people who are around cats and have really weird ideas about them. So there’s that, too.

      3. Jackalope*

        For anyone who has been following Jorts and Jean, my favorite is that a) someone wrote a sea shanty about the two cats and then recorded herself singing it and then b) some others have updated it with themselves singing harmony. It’s so great.

    4. Nessun*

      That post was a ride!! I don’t care if it was real or not, it was a riot to read. And I immediately wondered how Alison would have responded to the question!

  25. Dwight Schrute*

    Anyone here do dog sports with their dogs? I have three dogs who all do or will do different dog sports! One does nosework, one will do conformation and lure coursing, and the other will lure course and hopefully bikejore or canicross! Wondering if anyone else here does any sports with their dogs :)

    1. Reba*

      Not in an organized way, but we do nosework activities with my dog all the time! She would be amazing at the Barn Hunt thing, although it seems potentially cruel to the rats. (Honestly walking in our neighborhood after dusk is more or less a vermin course :/ )

      I’m not interested in competitions or what have you, but it’s super fun and enriching to do games.

      1. Dwight Schrute*

        We haven’t really competed in nosework much, but we do take classes and practice at home! It’s a lot of fun to watch your dog problem solve the hides!

    2. Generic Name*

      I really want to get my Aussie mix involved with agility. I want to take a group training class for it, but she failed the AKC good citizen test because she was “too friendly” when a friendly stranger approached, so I’m nervous how another group class would go. Honestly, I thought the training class was a bit much in terms of the behavior they expected of the dogs. Maybe I’m too laid back?

      1. Labradorable*

        I bet your Aussie would love agility! Don’t let your Good Citizen class scare you away. My lab is very good in agility class but couldn’t currently pass the CGC. She still loves to jump when greeting and gets vocal when separated from me. But in agility classes, the dogs are really kept apart and only run one dog at a time.

        1. Generic Name*

          That’s good to hear. I could feel the quiet disapproval coming from the instructor when I didn’t make my dog lay on her “place” quietly in class. She normally just sat next to me quietly, sometimes she’d stand up and wag her tail while watching the other dogs.

          1. The Dogman*

            That sort of dog trainer is not a lot of fun… some people take dog working way too seriously!

            There will prob be a more fun group to attend who take it more as a pasttime not a serious thing, have a look about.

            If you can’t find one maybe set one up with some other people who have friendly and fun pets perhaps?

          2. Labradorable*

            The CGC is often a gateway to therapy dog or higher level obedience, so it’s much more about “control” than fun. My first lab failed her CGC at 2, then earned it at 3. We did ALL the classes with her- obedience, rally, disc, agility, flyball. I think we landed on agility when she was 4 because she was mature enough to focus, loved doing it, and we found a great instructor. If one piece had been missing, we’d have kept looking. When we tried agility earlier, it was a flop. My current goof girl lab loved agility from the very first tunnel.

            1. Generic Name*

              That’s a good point. I’ve actually thought my dog would be a really good therapy dog. She loves people and is very intuitive. She comforts me when I’m upset, and I love getting hugs (jumping up on me….yeah) from her, but she knows not to do it with strangers and especially my mother, who is older. She went with my husband to see his dad in hospice (they allowed dogs, which was really great), and the nurse asked if my husband would go around with our dog to visit the other patients, and she was very calm.

      2. Dwight Schrute*

        I bet you could find an agility class for her! Many of them separate the dogs and they’re worked one at a time

      3. Chauncy Gardener*

        Aussie’s LOVE agility. And the Good Citizen class leaves me scratching my head sometimes. Too friendly? I’m sure your dog would, and you, would have a great time. Each dog and owner goes one at a time, so you should be fine

    3. Labradorable*

      Me! My goofy lab and I are starting our fourth or fifth or maybe 6th? agility class next month. She absolutely loves running the obstacles, getting attention from me, and treats. Always treats. We take classes for fun- there’s really no nearby competition-level training nearby- but it’s such a great time. Much better than when I took her to obedience class, where during heeling drills she pancaked on the floor and refused to move, lol.

        1. usernames are anonymous*

          There is a great video of a boxer in obedience class – “Dog Goes Crazy During Debut Obedience Competition” – cracks me up every time I see it – such a happy dog.

            1. The Dogman*

              There is one an English Mastiff lumbering around an agility course, always gets a chuckle from me when he has to duck low to get through the tunnel bit, and the size of the moving lump her makes is brilliant!

      2. fposte*

        Ha. My childhood dog, a lab cross (I think she was probably a beagador), was terminally mellow in obedience class. Tthis was during the era when people really liked dobermans, so there’d be a brace of quivering dobermans waiting their owner’s recall command and my pooch would have flopped over to snooze on the floor until something happened. Even when the command came the dobies would be galloping over like they’d won a game show and my dog would plod over to me like there was a sad trombone playing.

      4. Labradorable*

        She was quite the clown. In addition to pancaking, sometimes she’d roll on her back and kick her legs around, like a little kid throwing a tantrum- except with a big smile on her face because even in her time of drama, she was still a lab, lol.

  26. Sloanicota*

    Soooo I have a new dog and I think I have New Dog Blues. This is my first dog since childhood, and the main reason I wanted one was so that we could Do Things Together Out In The World (unlike my beloved cat, who does not want to go out to patio brunch with me or enjoy long walks in the park) and because everyone assured me that the relationship is so deep and special – a true companion. Well, it’s been a month and I feel like a 24/7 dog concierge, and I’m not sure the dog loves me at all. Is “dog love” really just – dogs always wanting something from you? That’s what I’m getting. The dog is certainly *attentive* to me, because he wants food / to be taken on a walk or whatever – but if I’m sad he kind of slinks away, and he doesn’t really want to chill next to me or cuddle when I work. He’s a rescue mutt but the breed mix is supposed to be not too active and very family oriented. There’s a lot more logistics to doing things out in the world than I anticipated too. I feel like he wishes he had a different owner than me and it’s making me very sad because I’m putting a LOT of work in here.

    1. Sloanicota*

      The amount of work is mind blowing, basically 24/7 from the minute he wakes me up at dawn it’s #doglife. I’m taking him for two thirty-forty minute walks a day (all the blogs say “a tired dog is a happy dog”) and it’s pretty much always the lead up to either walk time or food time around here. The dog blogs seems to indicate this is pretty normal. Maybe adopting a big dog as a single person was foolish.

      1. Sloanicota*

        Oh and he’s not a puppy – he’s seven years old. I hate to say it, but maybe I was expecting too much in adopting an adult rescue dog with an unknown past … maybe that’s too late to become a “true companion” like I pictured? (the dog is fine and well cared for and I’m not considering returning him or anything, it’s just going to be more of a slog than I pictured for the next ten years I guess).

        1. The Dogman*

          You are a great human for rescuing a dog, especially an older or middle aged dog!

          So you are still new to him, and he to you, it will take time to bond properly and he may not be a super affectionate or showy dog.

          I would not put a timescale on it but I suspect you will know when he is coming out of his shell and settling into your home.

          It might also be worth looking into walking groups or dog activities you can do together like tracking or nose-working, obedience training or, if he is an active/bouncy dog, agility/course-working stuff.

          Some dogs are sensitive to mood, some aren’t, but if he is leaving you when you are stressed or sad he might have been conditioned by previous owners to leave them alone when they are stressed or sad, so if you call him over and give him a treat and headrub when you want him, regardless of your mood, he should at some point work out you like him nearby when you are sad as well as happy.

          It is worth consulting a dog behaviourist near you and going for a few walks with them, try picking their brains on the things you notice about his behaviour etc.

          Good luck… also some dogs prefer to have other dogs around? Did his foster have other dogs?

          If so you might need to get a second dog that he likes as a companion!

          Sorry… that is the way of dogs sometimes!

      2. coffee is my friend*

        First a month for a rescue isn’t much time so be patient with the bonding. It took us about 3 months before she realized she was home and really came out of her shell (tho we did have to reinforce training at that point). She is currently snoozing on my legs and preventing me from doing my grading (good doggy!). I also found that doing training helped us bond.
        With the schedule yeah it’s a lot – granted I was already walking a lot afterwork so that wasn’t new for me but adding in a 630am walk *before* work still sucks (I try to focus on how good it is for my health). Play around with it to find what works for you. Also it is ok to encourage the pup to just hang out and not get attention. Look for engagement activities – both ones that involve you and ones that don’t. (Mine gets her dry food in a toy to keep her occupied)
        Good luck! And be patient with yourself!

          1. Sloanicota**

            Yeah, mine’s a rescue with an unknown but probably bad past, but honestly he liked the foster he was living with and she probably would have just kept him, so it’s not like I did him any favors. He probably wishes he was back with her instead of me.

      3. Dogs*

        Hang in there. Rescue animals come from you-don’t-know-what situation, and just like people it takes time to adjust to a new place/relationship/etc. The separation anxiety is a sure sign that he needs stability in his life — and you are giving him that, which is so wonderful. Talk to him when he’s around, maybe try reading to him — something that isn’t depressing! — it may relax both of you. Try not to blame yourself for the adjustment issues — it’s not you! It’s not even him! It’s a new relationship for both of you and new relationships take time.

    2. Dwight Schrute*

      Aww! Ok first off, this is totally normal!! And it can take time to build that relationship with your dog. It doesn’t always come instantly or quickly. But also, some dogs are just more independent and aren’t cuddlers. I have one VERY clingy dog and I intentionally picked one that would be less so when I added. It can take up to 3 months for dogs to fully decrompress and settle in to a new home so keep that in mind as well. You can also try doing some clicker training, basic nosework and enrichment to build that bond. There’s also a class called CCC you may want to look into. It’s designed to help build your connection with your dog. Hope this helps!

      1. Sloanicota*

        Thank you, this is so helpful! Maybe we can put in some more training time for bonding. I’ll try to remember the 3 month thing too. I know someone told me that when I brought him home.

        I think it’s partly because the dog is QUITE clingy – doesn’t want me to be out of sight, puts up a fit when I try to leave, etc – but isn’t particularly affectionate. He wants to like, stare at me. So I’m not really getting the benefits of an independent, confident dog, but I’m also not getting much love. I worry it’s because I’m too stressed out and I’m putting him off, even though I’m trying to be scrupulous in his care. I really don’t think there’s anything wrong with this dog in particular; he’s a pretty normal dog, I think maybe my expectations and my attitude/approach are just off. Also the holiday blues are probably making everything worse right now. Maybe it’ll be fine.

        1. coffee is my friend*

          With the clinginess try giving him a spot or spots to chill. Mine is less clingy now but it helped in the early days and has advantages now. For example, if she is trying to follow me around the kitchen I direct her to her bed in the dinning room where she can see me but isn’t under foot.

        2. Reba*

          Re: keeping you in sight. It sounds like your dog isn’t settled in yet. He doesn’t feel secure and so he needs you, the provider, right at hand to feel ok. I think more time and maybe some of the strategies used against separation anxiety (which it sounds like you have been working on) will help. Training and games will help build confidence. Maybe it will help you to try to put things into more clinical terms for yourself? Rather than really loaded terms like whether the dog loves you, or whether you are failing on not!

          It’s very, very normal for a dog to be anxious and withdrawn in this situation.

          If the walks continue to be burdensome to you, there are always dog walkers. And, games and training can be mentally engaging and tire your dog as much as physical exercise! There are lots of ideas on the internet, and I also have like the Spirit Dog training online lessons I have done.

    3. Migrating Coconuts*

      It does take a while. Our rescue settled in after about 4 months, seemed happy to see us, lay next to us on the couch sometimes, etc. But it took more than a year for him to really bond and decided we were his pack and that he could trust us. Now he’s always snuggling (unless its too hot), dancing and yipping when we come home, etc. But he still stares at us for food, or gets clingy when we are near the cabinet that has his food and treats in it. Cause sometimes, you know, spontaneous treats come out. :) The older they are when you get them, the longer it takes. Please don’t give up.

      1. Chauncy Gardener*

        This times a million. Our very abused rescue continues to come out of his shell after more than a year with us. After about the first 3-4 months, he finally relaxed quite a bit, but was still cowering and unsure what we were going to hit him with (answer: nothing). We had a great trainer, recommended by the rescue, come to the house (masked etc) and she was wonderful at helping us navigate the process. She even says that he’s a completely different dog now!
        It sounds like your guy just needs consistency, reassurance and other Things To Do. Treats in a toy? Those puzzle dished for his dry food? How is he with other dogs? Is there a trail near you where you can walk him? I don’t recommend dog parks because there’s always one or two that ruin for everyone. Plus it might be too much a free for all for him right now.
        Please be patient. I bet in six months you won’t know what you ever did without him in your life!

    4. MissGirl*

      I totally feel that pain of not being out in the world. My pup came to me with Parvo so the first three weeks we were on quarantine. Then I had to restart her vaccinations so then we were on lockdown for three more weeks. Finally just in time for Christmas of last year she was allowed out. Then I got exposed to COVID (didn’t get sick, luckily), and that put us another week in quarantine. The absolute joy I felt when I got to take her for a walk around the block.

      Of course, then I had months of separation anxiety to train her through and her absolute hatred of a crate that made it difficult to leave. One year later, we are so much better. She’s my buddy who goes hiking with me and paddle boarding. I’ve actually gone out three times this week in the evening and she didn’t give me a stern talking-to when I got home.

      I occasionally put her in dog daycare because she’s SUPER SOCIAL and sometimes I just need a break and an exhausted dog. Doing that really saved my sanity those first few months.

      1. Sloanicota**

        Yeah I was not prepared that when I first brought him home I literally could not leave the house even to run a quick errand! Whoops. He doesn’t even want me to go to the bathroom. He was crate trained at the foster’s apparently, but he has not been able to tolerate having the door closed here, even though I tried to follow all the blog advice and go really slow with lots of treats etc. I decided to put it aside for now and try again later when he’s calmed down a bit more. So yep, we’re on doggy daycare now – which thank GOD he seems to like, or I don’t know what I’d do. It’s so hard bc all the dog advice is about keeping a consistent schedule, but there are a lot of circumstances beyond my control that affect my ability to do that, so I just feel guilty and sad a lot.

        1. Victoria Nonprofit*

          Oh, I’m so sorry!

          And this is very, very normal. I’m a foster and adoption coordinator with a dog rescue, and we talk with adopters very directly about “Puppy Blues.” Honestly, bringing a new dog into your home usually sucks, at first. Adult dogs are fully formed creatures with preferences and histories and their only ways of communicating that to you are mostly pretty annoying. Puppies are worse; they’re generally cheerful and adaptive but they absolutely ruin your life for the first several weeks. We joke that it’s a good thing God/evolution makes them cute because otherwise we’d all want to throw them out the window. Anyway, yeah, we say that it’ll take three months for an adult dog to settle into a new home.

          So, advice:

          1) A tired dog is a good dog is true. But working their brains tires them out more than working their bodies! Twice daily walks are fantastic, and if you’re game to keep those going it’s definitely good for your pup (and probably for you!). But you can make a big dent in their energy with 5 minute training sprints, puzzle toys, scent work, etc. (And “training” doesn’t have to be serious obedience training. It can be goofy tricks.)

          2) Being able to “self soothe” or entertain themselves is an important life skill for dogs — that’s what makes them safe and comfortable when their people aren’t home. Some dogs are more independent and do this naturally. But some have to be taught! That’s what healthy crate training does — teaches the dog that the crate is a nice place to go chill out for awhile (that’s why you hear people say that their dog loves their crate so much they spend time there voluntarily). You can help your dog with this by teaching them that some specific place (a crate, a bed, a specific room, etc.) is their “chill zone.” (“Go to your mat” is a good obedience tool for this — google for instructions).

          3) Most dogs really do appreciate a consistent schedule, but that doesn’t mean you can’t go out for dinner after work or whatever. It’s a bit more general than that. Like: my dog goes back to bed after her morning out and expects a walk in the early afternoon (I work from home). It’s the routine she cares about more than the walk itself — if I just take her out to the yard for a quick pee she’ll settle into her afternoon better than if I put it off until I can do a full walk.

          Hope that helps!

    5. It takes time*

      I mean, yeah, your dog probably doesn’t love you yet after a month. I hadn’t even fully bonded with my human child who grew inside my body after a month. Especially if the dog is coming from a background of abuse or neglect, it’s not surprising to me that you haven’t formed a loving trusting relationship yet.

      Being a “dog concierge” – i.e. meeting the needs of the creature that is fully dependent on you – is how you build the trust that leads to love. You might just have to wait awhile.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      Sounds like you are right on track here. Yes, it will seem like you are just there to provide for him. Dogs that have been moved around some take a bit to settle in. Right now to him you are just another home in a series of new homes. It will take a bit for him to realize that this is his permanent home.

      This is going to sound super silly. Tell him that you love him (love is a commitment not an emotion). Tell him that this is his forever home. Tell him that he is your little buddy. Say it over and over. I got a pup at 9 weeks that was a real wild child. I told him these things. He was a year or two old and a friend commented- “He does not like the car rides- he is acting like he thinks you are going to give him away and he will never come back here. He really wants to stay here.” Yep- that is what his behavior looked like. Some where it shifted from “will you take care of me?” to “I want to stay here forever”.

      If they have had multiple homes it really takes effort to help them settle and help them realize- “this is it! This is my forever home!”
      Right now his behavior reads like he is saying, “Will YOU stay and take care of me?” and you will need to affirm over and over, “Yes, I will stay and I will take care of you.” Once a dog realizes that we will take care of the basic needs then the cuddles, licks and soft nudges start happening more and more.

      Yep it’s this black hole that you keep pouring love and care into and you just wait for it all to click in for the dog.

      Meanwhile, it sounds like you have taught him activities involving movement. Start teaching him activities that involve quiet time. Nap time seems to be something most of my dogs caught on to really fast. This works if you are okay with them on the couch or bed with you. But you can direct them to a comfy dog bed beside your couch or bed. Time spent sleeping in the same space does create bonding.
      Car rides are another lower key activity- you can take the dog on short trips to get a few items or visit a friend.
      Which brings me to another suggestion- let friends help. If someone visits you and is willing to play with the dog that can be a very supportive thing because it’s a break for you. I have a friend who lets me take my dog to her fully fenced in yard so he can endlessly run. I can just sit and visit with my friend. Another friend STILL plays with my dog in the living room here. (It’s been 11 years of playing with that dog!)

      Last hug your dog. If he is not familiar with hugs, start out slowly. But teach him what hugs are and hug him.

    7. A Girl Named Fred*

      Everyone else has what seems like really great advice, so I just wanted to comment to empathize with you that you aren’t the only one going through this right now. My partner and I adopted a 2.5 year old rescue at the beginning of December and I’ve been losing my mind since. I really care about her, and I’m not going to give up, but she’s my first dog ever (not even a family dog when I was a kid) so the adjustment has been A Lot and I’m not necessarily feeling the capital-L Love toward her yet. On the other hand, she adores us, follows us around the apartment always, and Does Not Want To Be Alone (to the point where we left for 12 minutes the other day to pick up food and came back to her howling despite having given her a lick mat of PB before leaving – I’m so sorry, apartment neighbors, I promise we’re working on it!!)

      So yeah, solidarity on the Puppy Blues front and thank you for posting so that I could also read the wisdom of other commenters! Good luck to you and your pup, and may we all find peace and joy together sooner rather than later!

    8. Labradorable*

      Awww, I’m so sorry you’re struggling! Would it help to know when we got our first lab puppy- not a rescue, a ‘blank slate’ 8 week old- I had the *same exact feelings*? In retrospect I think her litter wasn’t handled much by the humans, but all I knew was that she wanted almost nothing to do with us. She would sit in the corner of the room while we were on the couch and if we came near her, she’d scootch away. And if we put her in the crate, she screamed bloody murder. And then came teething and OMG she was a little barracuda. When I got home from work I’d have to change into my designated “puppy clothes” because she was ripping them to shreds. So to recap: I was getting up with this critter at 2 am and 5 am every day, my arms and hands were sliced to ribbons, and if I tried to touch her she would bite me (which is lab puppy play), and she showed zero affection. There was a lot of tears. I remember walking around the yard with her thinking, Would it be so bad if she…wandered away? I didn’t want her harmed- I just wanted her gone! But it got better. By the time she was 5 months old (so…3 months in our care…I see a pattern), she was done teething/biting and was fully housebroken. Labs are known to be a bit wild as puppies and ours was on the wilder side, so training classes were essential. That’s really how I bonded with her (see the previous thread on dog sports). It took time, but once we all settled into our new routines, the bonding really started, and when we lost her 12 years later, my heart was broken. Hugs to you and your pup!

    9. Dog and cat fosterer*

      Agreed with the comments here. To add:
      The Rule of 3s says that dogs and cats become less confused and disoriented after 3 days, become used to a routine after 3 weeks, and start to feel like they are home after 3 months. I think this is true for the people too, except that it felt much longer than 3 weeks before I felt good with the new dog and their routine. I love my pets, and had fostered piles of puppies, but when I decided to adopt one and then realized after a week that I was stuck and couldn’t give them back… mentally I felt like I had to brace myself for months of exhaustion. And it was several months before I started to enjoy our time together. I remember meeting another experienced foster family about a week after they got their new puppy, and when I saw the glazed look in their eyes I laughed and told them that I went through the same thing, the shock that owning a puppy is so much different than fostering, which is funny in hindsight because I have had some really difficult and time-consuming fostering situations, but it was different because even at the worst foster moment I kept thinking to myself that at least the puppies were temporary and my deep exhaustion would be behind me when they were adopted in 4, then 3, then 2, then one week. The difficult adult dogs were the same, as I always had the option to hit the Too Much button and the rescue could save me, but when you adopt them… the mentality is very different.

      I have friends who adopted a dog a few years ago, and before this he was so excited about getting a dog for years, and had this image of a deep and special relationship, and they ended up with a wonderful dog that they enjoy but when someone asked about another dog in future he was very clear about this being his one and only dog ever. Ever. The dog is well loved and cared for, but the amount of work surprises a lot of people and definitely surprised them. I foster easy and difficult dogs, and I foster difficult cats, and the amount of work for an easy dog isn’t even comparable to the cats. I love my dogs, but admit that my heart will always be with the cats, not because of the workload but because the cats are often more sensitive to moods and seem to know when I need a cuddle. I work with feral cats that are terrified of humanity so I’m well aware that not all cats are cuddlers, but many of them learn to trust and enjoy our company. As opposed to my dogs who are always happy, but if I’m not feeling well then they are more of a burden as I can’t not walk them and their cuddling style tends to involve elbows in my ribs.

      All my relationships with animals become stronger and healthier with time, so you will get there, but if you are surrounded by people who think that true companions are created magically at first sight then please know that your experience is more typical.

    10. KR*

      He’s still getting used to you! It took a bit before my last older rescue warmed up to me, partly because I lived with a roommate and had a lot of friends around the house a lot so he didn’t quite know I was *his* person. It took a lot of solo bonding and special one on one outings before he was glued to me and even then he wasn’t a very cuddly dog.

      You’re probably doing everything right. Your buddy is still just getting to know you.

  27. Falling Diphthong*

    Thanks to everyone who recommended family movies last week.

    I especially loved The Mitchells vs The Machines (an awkward family finds themselves the only thing standing between humanity and the robot apocalypse) as a movie in which the mom isn’t dead. I would not have checked this out without the recs, and it was hilarious and fun and The lavender one is coming.

    1. Susie*

      LOVE that move. There are parts they make me laugh till I cry. My son discovered it and it immediately became a family favorite.

  28. Pharmgirl*

    Cooking question! I have some left over pot pie filling frozen in individual serving size portions without any pastry. I have some frozen pie dough as well. What would be the best way to cook this?

    I was hoping to turn these into double crust mini pot pies, but would I need to defrost the filling first? Can I line the baking tin with thawed crust, fill with frozen filling, and top with more thawed crust and bake? Freeze the whole thing with the crust and then bake from frozen? Should I bake with top crust only? Not sure of the best way to do this.

    1. HannahS*

      My instinct is that either both components should be frozen (so, akin to cooking a fully assembled frozen pot pie) or both thawed (akin to cooking a fully assembled fresh pot pie). I think that if one component is frozen and the other isn’t, it’ll throw off the cooking times.

    2. Not A Manager*

      If the dough and the filling are both frozen, wait until you’re planning to make them, defrost both, assemble and bake. Don’t re-freeze them to cook later once you’ve thawed the components.

      If for some reason you do assemble a bunch of them, maybe because you’ve thawed your pastry, then you can bake the pies until they are almost done (light golden brown), freeze them, and then defrost and heat in a hot oven. I’d bring them close to room temp. before reheating.

  29. HannahS*

    How does your religious institution fund itself? I’m curious.

    Most synagogues get their operating budget by charging a yearly membership fee, usually on a sliding scale.

        1. Swisa*

          There’s a little basket that’s on a table in the entryway. I’ve also been to churches where a basket is passed.

          We’re a really tiny church (like 20 people), and at the end of each year they distribute a pledge form where people can say how much they plan to contribute for the coming year, and then the budget is built from that. And it’s not a binding contract or anything.

          And the 10% isn’t explicitly stated, but in most protestant christian churches I’ve been in, that’s been generally understood, though I’m sure people give less or not at all!

        2. MuseumNerd*

          Sermons mostly. Our preacher growing up usually talked about tithing a few times per year. There’s also an offering plate that goes around, typically before the sermon at least in the kind of church where I grew up.

      1. HannahS*

        Is there a yearly drive, or is it expected that people contribute regularly? Is there a suggested amount?

        1. MissGirl*

          10% tithe. No yearly drive. It’s all online now. At the end of the year, we get a summary for tax purposes.

    3. Elle Woods*

      I grew up in a Lutheran (ELCA) church. It was primarily funded by members, most of whom pledged a weekly or monthly amount of their choosing. Each fall, the church would do a pledge drive in which members would indicate what they planned to pledge the following year. A committee would take those numbers and develop a budget for the following year. My dad served on the finance committee for a few years. It was a challenging job because you had to factor in things like people who pledged but did not give, members moving away or leaving the church, new members joining the church, holiday giving, memorials, maintenance, unexpected expenses (like when lightning struck the church school building), etc.

      1. HannahS*

        Oh that sounds hard. The challenges are similar to what we face, too. Some people indicate their membership but don’t pay the fee.

    4. I.*

      My church asks people to pledge (promise a monthly donation). Historically people would do 10% of their income but at least in my denomination that’s not a hard and fast rule anymore. It’s not quite a membership fee, but not too far off. And then there are sometimes fundraisers, sometimes for the church in general, sometimes for a specific program (youth, choir, etc), sometimes for a charity cause the church is involved in. Lastly, many churches are trying to shift to outside sources of revenue: rental fees for concerts, non profits, etc.

      1. Sloanicota*

        Our church also leases out the church space for events, particularly weddings. I want us to find a daycare to host and do more with the commercial kitchen we use for our food pantry; that could be offered at low cost to local start ups or whatever. We do not have the membership to sustain our large building any more. I believe many churches have endowments, mostly from past members who left a lot in their will.

        1. HannahS*

          That’s so smart. I find that a lot of institutions are somewhat held hostage by the buildings they built when the congregations were larger. It’s a real issue; they’re finding that Millenials/Gen Z are less interested in large buildings than the Silent Gen/Baby Boomers.

    5. Elizabeth West*

      My Buddhist sangha operates on donations from members. A church hosts their meeting space, but they pay rent for that. They purchased a conference system when they decided to go permanently hybrid—Owl, I think. I don’t know if that was funded by a donation also; probably so. A generous one to be sure. You can donate online or they have a basket at meetings you can drop cash dana in.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          No, not really. It’s a non-profit group of Western practitioners with a focus on Theravada traditions. We meet weekly to meditate, discuss the dhamma, and study, and when we were in person, we’d go to coffee afterward. The group does community work as well; they started helping at another church that feeds homeless folks. This all takes place in OldCity, where I no longer live.

          I joined in 2017 because I wanted to learn more about meditation to help manage my anxiety and it was free. Shaping a Buddhist practice was an outgrowth of that. I sit with them on Saturdays over Zoom. It’s been helpful since I’m still pretty much in limbo. Wherever I land, I may try to find another sangha but if not, I’ll stay with this one as long as they keep doing hybrid sits.

    6. Squidhead*

      My Presbyterian church is 150+ years old, so in addition to a “commitment of gifts” day (similar to the Lutheran process Elle Woods describes), we also have an endowment funded by bequests from previous members. Like most(?) endowments, some of the income adds to our annual operating budget. Under certain circumstances, the governing group of members can allow a withdrawal from the endowment principal. We did this along with a sizable capital campaign to make important renovations to the building, for example.

      We also do special collections at certain times of year for mission projects. Some of these support my local church’s efforts (summer Bible school week for local kids) and some of them support broader efforts by the Presbyterian Church USA (which might mean that the funds actually go to a cross-denominational or interfaith mission, too).

      The church budget is public within the church and includes all the payroll details of the staff. It is approved by the church members each year.

    7. I heart Paul Buchman*

      Our church operates via donations (we call them ‘offerings’). These are paid by members directly into the church bank account. Most members have a schedule they pay on that suits their finances (once a week on payday or quarterly when they do taxes). Amounts vary with capacity. They are supposed to be anonymous. Presumably the person in the office who processes the books knows who gives what but it shouldn’t be disclosed. I don’t think people do the old ten percent rule. People give what they can afford.

      We also hold regular fundraisers. We have an annual used book sale, a craft fair, Christmas cake sale, we rent out plots on our grounds as a community garden space and rent or hall to groups for aerobics/baby clubs etc.

      Sometimes we do fundraising drives for a specific purpose where funds are solicited. We asked every family to consider donating $200 to make our building wheelchair accessible for example. We had a lot of donations to that fund.

    8. GermanGirl*

      I’m not a member anymore but in Germany the religious institutions recognised by the state get most of their funding through the “church tax” which is 8-9% of whatever you pay as income tax and automatically deducted on your payslip. It’s a very controversial system though and only used by the big churches – other religions mostly rely on donations and/or membership fees.

      1. MissGirl*

        Really? Is this pre-income tax? Do people choose the religion their money goes to if it’s state-recognized? Can you opt out if you’re a member but don’t want to pay? How does the state know who’s what faith?

        1. allathian*

          The system is similar in Finland. We have two government-recognized churches, the Lutheran and Russian Orthodox. The tithe for those is 1 percent of taxable income, deducted on your payslip, and tithes are processed by our Tax Authority . There’s no separation of Church and State in most of Europe. Members note their church membership status on the tax form (online these days). This also means that HR/payroll knows the church membership status of employees (Lutheran, Russian Orthodox, none/other). Religious institutions that aren’t recognized by the government handle their membership fees as they see fit.

        2. GermanGirl*

          Yeah, it comes out of your pre-tax income so it actually reduces your taxes.

          Donations to religious institutions not using this system are also tax deductible if the institution is registered as such and the donation is documented correctly, so other faiths can get the benefit of the tax free donations too, it’s just a different bureaucratic process … in theory. In practice the big churches do have an advantage because it’s a fixed amount and it’s impossible to just forget a payment.

          In Germany, you get a tax identification number assigned at birth and your religious institution – or “other” or “none” – is filed under this number. The big churches also know who pays their taxes through this system.

          You can of course opt out by going to the city hall, declaring that you’re leaving the church and paying the fee to change your tax record.
          You’ll get an annoying letter from the church pressuring you to reconsider … which made me want to leave even more. As I said, it’s a controversial system, but generates very reliable income for the big churches.

          In my experience (pre-covid), churches don’t mind if you attend their services / participate in their events even if you’re no longer a member. But of course you won’t get certain services like getting babtized, getting to be a godparent, getting married at church, getting a funeral service, getting the printed newsletter, … if you’re not a member.

          1. UKDancer*

            I remember being asked that when I was a student in Germany and had to various registration type things so I existed as a person in Germany and it really surprised me that they wanted to know for tax purposes. I put “none” although as a student I didn’t pay any tax because I wasn’t earning money regularly.

    9. RagingADHD*

      By donations from members and the occasional visitor. There is a stewardship campaign once a year where they ask everyone to pledge (declare their estimated giving for the coming year), but it is optional and not considered binding. It allows for planning the budget.

      Giving is considered a spiritual duty of members, but is not required for membership. Believers are generally expected/taught to tithe their income (10 %), but that is overall giving to charity, not necessarily all to the one organization. And nobody checks/asks. Some give less, some more.

      There is a donation box by the door, but a lot of members send autopay from the bank to the office. Before Covid we used to pass offering plates through the pews at a designated point in the service.

      1. RagingADHD*

        Oh, from time to time we also get bequests, usually for a stated purpose. I recall a few years ago a member left a sizeable sum in their will as a directed grant to be used for stained glass windows, so we had 3 of the plain glass windows replaced with stained glass.

    10. Rainy*

      I’m an atheist, but I was raised in a religious cult, and it was funded by compulsory 20% tithes on your pre-tax income except for every third year, when you tithed 30%. I wasn’t old enough to have a real grasp on the mechanics, but I’m pretty sure first tithe was collected centrally, second tithe was collected in your congregation, and third tithe was usually sent straight to HQ, sometimes in a lump sum for the year. There were also offerings on all the high holy days which didn’t count as your tithe.

      Now, of course not everyone really tithed according to the rules, but enough people did (including my parents) that a lot of us especially from my generation of kids growing up in the cult grew up in extreme poverty. There was also an annual first fruits offering that was in-kind (which for us, on a small farm, meant eggs, meat if we had butchered recently, and spring vegetables) and collected locally, and was supposed to be used to feed members of your congregation who were in need. My mother stopped doing first fruits cold when I was about six because she’d put a box of produce and a carton of eggs on the offering table and the pastor’s wife, not realizing mum was still standing there, walked up, saw the eggs, and said to one of her cronies “Oh, great, I just used the last of the eggs this morning!” and walked off with all of it.

  30. Delta Delta*

    I recently discovered I love those pickled cherry peppers stuffed with cheese and prosciutto. It got me thinking – what else could get stuffed in a hot pepper for a 1-2 bite treat? I grow a lot of veggies in the summer and this might be a fun thing to try.

    2. fposte*

      I buy little mini-peppers all the time and I think the only wrong answer for pepper contents would be cardboard. I love packing them with mozzarella and nuking them, and you can toss in a little anything you’ve got leftovers of and take basically a pizza approach. You could use any pastry savory as a template, really–spiced potatoes like potato samosas would be amazing, or a little rice and a few spring roll ingredients, etc.

    3. The Dogman*

      More or less any cheese with meat…

      A lot of nuts with cream cheese or some sort of creamy sauce/dressing?

    4. Golden*

      I love a good bacon-wrapped jalapeño popper! I think they’re typically filled with cream cheese and sometimes topped with bread crumbs (I don’t do that step though) and wrapped with a piece of bacon. They’re good cooked in either the oven or on the grill.

    5. Princess Deviant*

      Couscous, feta, mint, black olives, and pine nuts.
      Bake the peppers first with garlic (if they’re not already cooked then add the filling and bake for another 20 minutes or so.

    6. Charlotte Lucas*

      Any Mexican or Southwestern-style cheese. I’ve stuffed poblanos with leftover Spanish rice, too.

      1. Delta Delta*

        Like chile rellenos! I had an amazing one in Austin once – it had cheese but also had a mixture of a grain and maybe raisins (?). It felt wholesome and it was so delicious.

  31. Wireless bra refs?*

    I’m at the point in my pregnancy where the underwire in my bra is becoming too painful to wear. I’m looking for a wireless bra that actually provides some support- I was a 34DD pre-pregnancy and things have only gotten worse so I need some structure. Last time around I practically lived in a Champion sports bra but it looks like they don’t make that particular style anymore. I tried ordering some options online but they are basically useless. Any suggestions?

    1. mreasy*

      Lively’s busty bralette series is pretty good – particularly the all day stripe edition. I was a 32E/F before my reduction and though not perfect, they were comfortable.

    2. Mari*

      costco has a 3pk sports bra by puma that is basically all i’ve worn for the past year and a half… supportive but not constricting. i don’t know that they’d actually be that great for intense workouts but for daily activities they’re fine!

    5. Generic Name*

      Your size has probably changed, so it’s a good idea to get measured and buy nursing bras (if you plan to nurse).

    6. HannahS*

      Pumping bras are a lot like sports bras; they’re tighter to hold the pump in place. Maybe you’d find it more comfortable than a typical soft nursing bra or tank top.

    8. Pop*

      Late in my pregnancy I just ordered some nursing bras so that I could keep wearing them after baby arrived. I too am small band/large chest (32E or so) and I really like my Kindred Bravely pumping/nursing bras in “small busty” size. They definitely took a few days for me to get used to – I have preferred underwire since I was 13 or so – but now they’re literally the only bras I wear.

    9. TechGirlSupervisor*

      I loved Bravada nursing bras, so much that I ordered more even though I was done nursing. They come with conversion kits to change them into regular bras once you are done nursing.

    10. Lady Danbury*

      I’m close to you in size (34D) and have recently switched to all wire free bras (because #pandemiclife). My currents favs (all available on amazon prime) are warners easy do it wire-free convertible bra RM0911A (large), warners easy do it no bulge wire-free bra RM3911A (large), hanes comfortflex fit wirefree bra MHG521 (large), and bali desire all over lace wirefree bra Df6591 (medium). I’ve included my sizes for reference, as well as style numbers because some bras have similar names. I’ve ordered these 4 styles in multiple colors and they now make up my entire bra wardrobe, other than strapless bras.

    11. LizB*

      I love TomboyX’s Essentials Soft Bras. They have enough support that I (38J) don’t bounce all around in my normal day-to-day motions, but are soooo comfy. It’s not sports-bra-level compression, and I do definitely have a different silhouette when wearing them vs wearing a wired bra, but they’re perfect for casual day wear.

    12. Epiphyta*

      I live in Glamorize’s “No-Bounce Camisole” sports bras; I’m a 34F and I wouldn’t run a marathon in it, but it’s comfortable.

  32. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

    I’m about to stick my toes into the unfamiliar world of interet dating. Any tips or words of wisdom? I’ve never dated anybody at all, so this will be a strange new thing for me.

    Specific questions:
    How has Covid changed internet dating? Are in person dates still happening? I’m not at all interested in a zoom date

    The advice articles all suggest getting coffee or drinks for a first date since they are quick. I hate both of those. Any goods suggestions that would save the same purpose?

    Which dating website do you prefer and why?

    How do you deal with awful dudes?

    What do you even talk about on a first date with a stranger?

    Is there good way of saying “If you’re looking to get laid, let’s neither of us waste our time” without being so blunt?

    Anything that isn’t on all the “how to internet date articles” that I should know?

    1. Legalchef*

      Coffee/drinks is suggested because it’s public, fast, and inexpensive. But can’t you can get tea, or a soda, or a juice or whatever?

      1. RagingADHD*

        Yes, a “coffee date” doesn’t mean you literally drink coffee, and a “drinks date” doesn’t mean you have to literally drink cocktails.

        They just indicate the general time of day, give you many options of venue, and limit the expectation of how much time you will spend together (though you could decide to extend it if you want).

        The real purpose is conversation, not the beverage.

        You deal with awful dudes by saying goodbye and leaving.

        You start off talking about the same things you’d talk about with a new person you met who wasn’t a date: ask about where they are from, how they spend their time, what they do for fun, what types of books/movies/music they like, etc.

        I believe the best way to indicate that you aren’t looking for hook-ups would be to put something in your profile about looking for a relationship, not a hook up.

        It’s exciting and a bit nerve wracking, but dating is supposed to be fun. Go in expecting to have a good time. It’ll be fine!

    2. Sloanicota*

      I think it was Captain Awkward who said (and it’s especially true for women I think) that it’s best to be straightforward in your profile even if it might be offputting. You actually benefit from being a bit off putting probably. So you can say things like, “I’m not looking for a hookup” in your profile. Some men don’t read them but it’s a start. I did not have a good experience with tinder which I think is the most popular and therefore the best place to try (it’s a numbers game in some ways, so a more popular site even if it sucks will have better odds). It’s very photo-focused and although it’s outgrown the hook up app thing, it still lends to gamification. For a niche sexuality OK cupid is actually good, but probably not for regular heteros. Coffee meets Bagel and Hinge or Bumble might be good, although bumble didn’t solve my issues with Tinder.

      On the first date question most people do drinks but you might suggest a walk through a certain area or something? I have done this during covid. My biggest issue has been that some people want to jump into Texting A Lot early, and I hate that.

      1. Dark Macadamia*

        I was going to suggest that Captain Awkward advice too! Basically, if you know what you’re looking for there’s no point in hiding it because you’re only going to “scare away” people you wouldn’t want to date anyway.

      2. Sloanicota*

        My theory with Immediately Texts A Lot guy is that he probably doesn’t have enough friends and is lonely – which, hey, no judgement, we’ve all been lonely – but he’s looking for online dates to replace … friends … so when you match, starts immediately texting you all this stuff about his day, or whatever, when I don’t know him yet and am not interested. It’s a different Text Guy than the one who is angling to get a sext going. I’m not a fan of either genre.

        1. Generic Name*

          Agree. My take is these guys also have problems with boundaries. You are just getting to know each other, so texting all the time is too intimate. I met my husband on bumble, and we didn’t text regularly until we became a couple. Then we texted every day and talked on the phone regularly.

          1. fueled by coffee*

            Oh my god, +1000 to this. The worst is the double-texting when I don’t respond within a few hours — like, I’m busy! We don’t know each other! I don’t want to get attached to a made-up image I have of you based on texting when we’ve only spent a few hours of time together!

            I also think it says something about the amount of emotional labor I’m going to be expected to do in a relationship. To be clear – helping your partner through tough times is part of being in a committed relationship! But if you try to text-dump all your problems onto me in between dates 1 and 2 when I’m still trying to figure out if I like you I see this as a major red flag.

      3. Lady Danbury*

        I would reframe that slightly to focus on what you do want (long term relationship, marriage, etc.) as opposed to what you do want. Back in my tinder days, profiles that included a long list of do not wants/likes tend to come across as negative or even bitter. Even though I wasn’t looking for a hookup/drama/gold digger/etc (all things I’ve seen in profiles, lol), focusing on the negative was still somewhat offputting to me. The flip side is that often people who actually exhibit negative traits either realize that they do or don’t care and will contact you anyway, so there’s a risk that you’ll only alienate the type of person that you actually prefer to attract.

    3. Generic Name*

      What was most helpful to me was I took time to really think about what I wanted out of dating. Do you want companionship, a long term relationship, NSA sex? Then be clear in your profile. If you have kids say that, and if you don’t have them but want them or never want them, say that too. Think about the kind of person you’d like to attract. I don’t mean “over six feet and makes six figures”. Things like “loves going to museums” or “shares my love of monster truck rallys”. Also think about what personality traits you are compatible with. Do you want someone who is funny or more serious? Do you want someone outgoing or a homebody? Also give a lot of thought about how you want to be treated. Pay attention to how he responds when you say you don’t like something he said or did. Awful dudes? Don’t give them a second of your time. Block and delete.

      1. Olivia Oil*

        This! I’m currently re-entering online dating (though it’s not my first time), but this time I’m being a lot more intentional and specific about what I want out of it and the type of people I date. COVID isolation gave me a lot of time to think about that.

    4. Olivia Oil*

      I’ve re-entered online dating but have done it on and off prior to COVID. There is a lot of stuff I’m learning along the way.

      One thing I realized is that if your goal is to find a serious, long term thing, it’s actually better to be selective and go on fewer dates with people with actual potential than to go on a bunch of random dates with people you’re not a match with at all. Basically, quality over quantity. This is one of the reasons I found myself really frustrated with the dating process prior to COVID. I was just saying yes to anyone and everyone, but then having a terrible time on dates, getting disillusioned, and then giving up on dating all together. Your time and energy is precious so don’t waste it! That doesn’t mean you will always avoid bad dates, but being selective lowers your chances.

      I’m the same vein, make sure your profile is communicating relevant info about the type of relationship and person you are seeking, including any dealbreakers. I’ve lost count of the number of profiles I’ve seen where people have a list in alphabetical order of their favorite movies and books, but nothing about if they are looking for a long or short term relationship, if they want to have kids or not, etc.

      As for apps, I’ve mainly used OKC and a Tinder, and ironically have had much more luck with Tinder than OKC even though the latter is supposed to be for more “serious” dating. I just think it’s because there are more people on Tinder, and they tend to be more transparent and straightforward about what they are looking for. I briefly tried Hinge and Coffee Meets Bagel and hated them.

      I personally haven’t experienced any notable differences due to COVID that have directly impacted the logistics of dating. I didn’t date before the vaccines rolled out, but since things opened up meeting up at cafes or restaurants has been pretty typical.

      1. Olivia Oil*

        Oh and another one: be careful about getting stuck in the texting/“pen pal” stage, where you are just texting and not meeting up. Try to meet in person as soon as possible after matching with someone. You really don’t know what someone is like until you meet *in person*, no matter how they come across in text.

        1. WellRed*

          I agree with not waiting too long to meet. Seen too many friends build up this “relationship” only to fall flat when they actually meet.

          1. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

            This is on all the “how to internet date” articles and I fully intend to do it, especially because that would probably be my natural tendency. Thank you for giving real person verification!

    5. Falling Diphthong*

      • Arrange to meet for a live in-person date pretty soon. A lot of attraction rests on chemistry that you only pick up on in person, and you don’t want to spend months on flirty texts only to be “… nah” when you finally meet face to face. Also, some people use the apps just for little dopamine hits of “someone thought I was attractive” and if you are looking for actual human contact you want to weed them out.

      • In different cities, different apps develop different uses. The one for relationship seekers of your type might not be the same as it is 1000 miles away. So local input is helpful, or being open to experimenting with a second if the first isn’t working well.

      • “Start with coffee” = a quick public meeting, which you can cut short if it seems to be sliding badly. (Versus if you’re in a restaurant waiting for the food you ordered, halfway through the play, etc.) There should be a face to face talking component, rather than sitting next to each other watching something.

      Caveat: I married before the internet, so this is second hand but logical stuff I see mentioned often.

    6. fueled by coffee*

      If you don’t like coffee or drinks, anything else quick works – bagels, a walk, ice cream, smoothies, etc. But also, even if you’re not a coffee drinker, can you pick up an iced tea or a pastry to sit with for a little bit at a coffee shop?

      re: Awful dudes: If this is a level of awful in which they’re being sexist/sending unsolicited private photos/behaving in appallingly egregious ways, I don’t feel bad about ghosting or blocking them. For more intermediate cases, like when they’re being annoying but not in a disgusting way, I either let things trickle off or, if he directly asks for a second date or whatever, I politely say no with a “You seem great, but I just don’t think we’re a match,” and then ignore any follow-up attempts at communication from him. If this behavior happens *on* a date, I make up an excuse to cut things short. On a first date, I usually come up with somewhere I have to be afterwards (“I made plans with my friend to do X this afternoon” or “I have an early meeting tomorrow so I have to be home by 9” or whatever). If things are going spectacularly, I can just ‘cancel’ those ‘plans’. But if things are heading south, I’ve already given a reason why I can’t stay past X time, so it feels less socially awkward to bail.

      Conversation on first dates – ask about hobbies/etc. listed in their profiles or that they bring up. It’s totally fine if you don’t share these hobbies! “Wow, I’ve never been ice fishing before! How did you get into that?” works. Make sure you ask them questions about themselves, but to avoid it feeling like a job interview, don’t just parrot their questions about you back at them; ask them for more details about the things they talk about. I stole this advice from an interview with Logan Ury, but it can also help to come up with a story about something funny that happened that day/week to share as an ice breaker so that you’re not just trading facts about your jobs and hobbies back and forth.

      For signaling that you’re not trying to hook up – it’s not totally clear to me if you mean that you aren’t interested in sex at all or if you aren’t interested in it outside of a serious relationship. In both cases, you can signal this in your profile (i.e., saying that you’re ace or playing up that your religion is important to you or whatever, or alternatively just writing that you’re looking for something serious). In the second case, setting up a first date during the daytime can also usually help get the point across that the date isn’t just a formality to getting an invite into your bedroom.

    7. Lady Danbury*

      I have friends who are internet dating. In person dates are definitely still happening. Some of them require their dates to be vaxxed. It’s a good idea to have a general convo about the other person’s risk tolerance/level of precaution to see if it meshes with your own.

      Most coffee shops (unless they’re super specialized) will have non-coffee options. Check menus online to find a place that has options you like. A similar option would be to meet somewhere that specializes in dessert (bakery, ice cream, bubble tea, etc).

      I met my bf on tinder in the before times. Pro is that it’s free and low commitment. Con is that you me have to (figuratively) kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince.

      The advantage of the short date is that you don’t have to commit a lot of time to an awful dude. If things do go well, you can suggest extending the date (dinner, bowling, walk in the park, whatever). I would use a google voice number while dating so that they would have my real cell number and it was easy to block people, if necessary. You can also ask a friend to call you about 30 minutes in and pretend that it’s an emergency. Ignore the call if the date is going well, answer and make your excuses if it isn’t.

      I had a list of questions to ask in the early stages. It included a variety of questions from light and fluffy to deep and meaningful. The point of the list wasn’t to interview potential dates but to have a backup list of conversation starters if I couldn’t think of anything (similar to having a few questions prepared for a job interview). I would casually drop them into the conversation if necessary. A great way to create your own list is using searches like “first date questions”, “relationship questions”, “questions to ask your partner,” etc.

      There’s generally 2 ways to approach this. The first is to ask what they’re looking for in a relationship. The second is to share what you’re looking for. The caveat with both approaches is that sometimes people lie and/or ignore your stated intentions hoping to get laid anyway. Listen to what they say but also observe what they do.

      Final advice: After the initial connection, try to mimic your regular dating behavior as much as possible. For me, that meant talking on the phone and then having a first date pretty quickly. I found that men wanted to set up a first date within a reasonable timeline (a week or two) were more likely to be serious about meeting me and seeing where things went from there. On the flip side, men who tried to meet me right away without really talking to me at all always gave off booty call vibes. I would try and push back and get to know them a little better first.

      There’s nothing inherently more or less dangerous about online dating. The people you meet online are the exact same people you’d meet in person at a coffee shop or at a bookstore or wherever strangers meet, lol. Use your common sense, trust your instincts, and try to interact as normally as possible. After the initial meeting, it should be the exact same process as meeting any other way.

    8. Purt’s Peas*

      My biggest advice is to enjoy it. Not like, oh it’ll be so fun to scroll through tons of dirtbags with no bios. But enjoy meeting new people as much as you can!

      For the looking to get laid, yes, just be specific. If sex is off the table for the relationship, definitely say that. If you know that you’ll want to wait a month & multiple dates before having sex, definitely say that. Dating app guys can be crummy and just not read what you write, but it’s also just good to have it out there.

      Also add a couple conversation hooks into your profile—specific, “you” things, opinions or interesting facts about yourself. If nothing else, it allows you to immediately filter out the guys who start “hey beautiful” vs. “your profile says you love Iron Man, my favorite is Captain Marvel” or whatever.

      1. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

        I am looking forwards to it, almost to my surprise. I’ve never done anything like this and I REALLY need to get out of the house more.

        Do you just straight up say, “no sex before marriage?” It feels extremely weird to be so blunt about it, and also like it might attract the wrong sort of attention. But if that’s the way people do it I guess I have to get used to the idea.

        1. Purt’s Peas*

          Honestly everything might attract the wrong sort of attention. It’s totally fine if you want to hold off on mentioning it til after the first date, but it’s worth bringing it up—for example, “By the way, I’m very firmly no-sex-until-marriage. I liked taking a walk with you (or whatever) a lot, and want to do it again, but wanted to mention it in case it’s a dealbreaker.” It’s OK to want hookups & OK to want no premarital sex, but on many apps the expectation is set more towards early sex, so I think it’s really worth it to directly re-set the expectations.

          And I’m glad you’re looking forward to it! I’m not dating anymore but honestly I really loved just meeting a new person for an hour and getting to know them.

        2. fueled by coffee*

          Are your reasons for waiting until marriage religious in nature? You could probably talk about your involvement in religion/faith being important to you/looking for someone who shares your values in your profile, and people will mostly self-sort into whether they’re interested or not. From there, I think the specifics of “waiting until marriage” can be a conversation after a handful of dates when you’re thinking about making things more serious or not.

          (Also, it’s totally cool if your reasons are not religious! I just tend to assume that people who talk a lot about religion in their profiles are looking to take things slow — or at least that they’re not just trying to hook up — whether or not that ultimately turns out to be the case.)

        3. Spearmint*

          You should definitely mention the “no sex before marriage” on your profile or very early on while chatting (probably before meeting in person). That is a major deal breaker for most people, even those seeking a long term relationship, so there’s no point wasting your time or their’s going on dates that won’t lead to anything.

      2. Hatchet*

        I’m a big fan of the conversation hooks! When I was in the online dating world (8+ years ago), I tried to include several things about me from various branches of my life. The people who messaged me who stood out were those who commented on at least one of those conversation hooks… (For example, “You loved traveling to that part of the country, so have I! What did you like about it?”) I also felt like this weeded out at lot of those people who might just looking for hookups or who weren’t reading my profile. I felt that if I’m giving you all this info about me (that I felt comfortable sharing), then surely you can find one piece to talk to me about.

    9. Public Sector Manager*

      I met my wife through an Internet dating site and here is a collection of things that we learned.

      Get a VoIP app for your phone so you don’t have to give out your real phone number until you’re ready. Sometimes people were great on the phone and were a train wreck in person. I did a first date with a woman, it didn’t work out, and then about 6 months later she left me a drunk dial message about 5:30 pm on a Saturday. Have some form of disposable number so when you find someone and want to disconnect, or when you decide that certain people aren’t for you, they don’t have your permanent number.

      If you want the equivalent of a coffee date, if you’re a fan of sushi, you could try that. That was my first date with my wife. We just took the date roll by roll to see what happened and either of us could bail after each roll. Also, if you love museums or science centers, etc., go there. They’re public and if it’s interesting to you, it will weed out people who think museums are boring or who just want to meet in a bar. While we’re on that topic, bars are a terrible first date from my experience. The noise alone makes it difficult to get to know someone.

      It’s fine to take your time! I went on a lot of dates because I was feeling desperate that I was in my late 30’s when I started and never had a relationship last more than 5 months. My sister had actually told me I was too picky. I let that fear drive me to go on dates I had a gut feeling wouldn’t be a good match. By the time I found my wife on the dating site, I was being way more selective. No one knows you better than you! I ended up meeting my wife when I was 41, got married when I was 43, and had my son at 44. I don’t regret waiting at all, so there is no need to rush anything.

      Best way to deal with awful dudes is be direct. So many of them deliberately ignore your boundaries. Also, being direct helps clueless guys like me. I’m terrible at reading signs. After my wife planted a kiss on me after our second date, and invited me over to her house for dinner for our third date, I was still thinking, “I wonder if she likes me?”

      As for which site to go with, use the one that works best for your area. I ended up using two sites, but after a couple of months, the first one that I thought would be amazing ended up being a bust. People in my area just weren’t fans of the latest “hot” dating site. And the one I used I wouldn’t recommend now.

      Best of luck to you!

    10. Anonymous Luddite*

      Obviously not so easy in the winter time, but my “public place to prove I have social skills and give you a chance to run away if I fail that” option was a public park with a well -populated walking path. The one in my area is a 2.5 mile loop, so an hour at maximum. The standard meetup spot was a coffee shop so there was the option to either acquire coffee if desired before the walk or stop in for a cup after if the conversation is going well.
      And good luck

  33. Last minute book gifts??*

    Book gift recommendations please for adults in their 20’s? One recipient likes fantasy and science fiction. I know he liked the A Memory Called Empire, and he likes space opera stuff in general. Also caper-style fantasy with lovable rogue heroes.

    The other one used to read “problem novels” is I think the genre. Teens or young adults in a shifting world or family structure who deal with real-world problems. He’s not a huge reader now but I think is still interested in the adult version of that. He also likes the graphic novel format like Persepolis or They Called Us Enemy.

    I’d appreciate any advice!

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      For your caper reader: The Lies of Locke Lamora by Scott Lynch, in fantasy, or Artemis by Andy Weir, in science fiction.

      1. Last minute book gifts??*

        Thanks so much! The Lies of Locke Lamora was exactly the one I had in mind when I typed that sentence. Probably a lot to ask – I know he read both of those and loved them, so if you do happen to have any other recs we are definitely on the right track!

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Checked with husband who also has a fondness for caper fantasy – he says The Mask of Mirrors by M. A. Carrick is the next one that comes to mind :) Also the Mistborne books by Brandon Sanderson, maybe?

        2. Shiara*

          Six of Crows by Leigh Bardugo might be a possible fit. I’ll second Murderbot mentioned below as well. Possibly Lois McMaster Bujold’s penrics and Desdemona novellas as well (if not the vorkosigan saga itself)

    2. Opinions, I've had a few*

      The Sentients of Orion series by Marianne dePierres is spectacular space opera. So is Alastair Reynold’s Revelation Space.

    4. RussianInTexas*

      The Expanse books for the sci-fi lover, since the final book came out couple weeks ago. And The Spin trilogy by Robert Wilson.

    5. Rick T*

      For your Space Opera reader look for titles by Peter Grant, Dorothy Grant, JL Curtis, and Marko Kloos. All three are active writers.

    6. Meddery*

      I’m working through Lou Cixin’s The Three-Body Problem trilogy and would recommend it to an adult science fiction reader. Good Read’s summary: “ Set against the backdrop of China’s Cultural Revolution, a secret military project sends signals into space to establish contact with aliens. An alien civilization on the brink of destruction captures the signal and plans to invade Earth. Meanwhile, on Earth, different camps start forming, planning to either welcome the superior beings and help them take over a world seen as corrupt, or to fight against the invasion. The result is a science fiction masterpiece of enormous scope and vision.” It’s intense!

    7. The Dogman*

      Ohh space opera huh?

      Has he read Peter F Hamilton’s “The Reality Dysfunction” yet? If not he needs to, in fact I think everyone should!

      It is grand space opera, great characters (including actual female lead characters!) and the dead start possessing people in space!

      Other good Scifi authors: Richard Morgan, Neal Asher, Iain M Banks

      Neal Asher is pretty prolific, and most of his trilogies and stand alones are at least space opera adjacent. Start with “Gridlinked” though, then the rest of the “Cormac” books

    8. Name Goes Here*

      Science fiction recs: A Desolation Called Peace, the sequel to Memory, is IMO superior. More space opera, a (little) less politics, wider array of characters to get into.

      Other scifi and fantasy recs in no particular order:
      The Collapsing Empire, Old Man’s War (John Scalzi)
      This is How You Lose the Time War (Amal El-Mohtar and Max Gladstone)
      Four Roads Cross (Max Gladstone)
      Black Sun, Trail of Lightning (Rebecca Roanhorse)
      A Fire Upon the Deep (Vernor Vinge)
      Xenogenesis (Octavia Butler)

    9. Anonymous Educator*

      I’m not sure if this counts as a “problem novel,” but I’d highly recommend Malindo Lo’s Last Night at the Telegraph Club.

    10. SpellingBee*

      For space opera, I highly recommend Lois McMaster Bujold’s Vorkosigan saga. Also Elizabeth Moon, both the Vatta and Heris Serrano series. Let’s see, what else – John Scalzi, Andy Weir (I just finished The Hail Mary Project), and definitely second the Murderbot Diaries.

      1. Anono-me*

        Seconding the Lois McMaster Bujold recommendation. Also, David Weber’s Honor Harington is a huge space opera. Both are published by Baen Books, so early works are available for free online, but there have been some concerns about the ‘Baen’s Bar”.

      2. Rainy*

        If you like Bujold and Moon’s sf you will most likely enjoy Tanya Huff’s space operas–the Confederation series.

    11. Purt’s Peas*

      Blankets by Craig Thompson is great, sort of a growing up story. Fun Home, and Are You My Mother, both by Alison Bechdel—of course both fabulous. You could go wild and get Maus, but like…that’s a tough gift.

      For the space opera aficionado…I loved Ninefox Gambit by Yoon Ha Lee, a very strange space opera where science and technology are based on the calendar. A bit of an opaque novel but an interesting one.

      Gideon the Ninth by Tamsyn Muir would also probably be up their alley, since that’s a bit more on the wisecracking side of things.

    13. Falling Diphthong*

      For the second, this is fantasy but I liked A Deadly Education by Novik. It winds up being very explicitly about privilege and what we do to gain or retain it, but through the lens of magic so you can ignore or soak up the real world analogies.

      For the first, The Curse of Chalion by Bujold.

    14. Puffle*

      In terms of space opera, I really enjoyed The Imperial Radch trilogy by Ann Leckie. I also second the other commenters who recommended Ninefox Gambit by Yoon Ha Lee, and Iain M. Banks’ The Culture series. I specifically liked The Player of Games and Excession from the Culture series, Use of Weapons is also great but very dark so wouldn’t recommend to all.

      1. Puffle*

        Forgot to add: the Penric and Desdemona series by Lois McMaster Bujold is really good, lots of fantasy capers. Tad darker in some instalments, but overall fun to read

  34. Name Goes Here*

    Mostly meant as a lighthearted thread –– what are some sensory or environmental things that drive you a little bananas that don’t phase other people?

    Mine is contractors or repair people in my space. I’m getting ready to go home for about a week and a half and my parents, who are seemingly always having some kind of renovation done on their home, think it’s super weird that I’m a bit bothered by the fact that they’ve got a guy around doing XYZ renovation, including possibly next week. But like how is this possibly relaxing?

    2. Llellayena*

      Leaf/snow blowers ::shudder:: They’re everywhere and no one seems to be annoyed by them but me. It’s especially fun when they’re trying to get, like, one leaf out of my backyard while I’m eating lunch and the gasoline smell is coming into the house around the window air conditioner…

    3. Filosofickle*

      The high whine of electronics in overhead lights, computers, A/V equipment…many people can’t even hear it but I can! Makes my brain hurt.

      1. I take tea*

        Oh! I have this too, and people just say “but it’s on silent”. Thankful for better monitors, it has been easier now. Or my hearing maybe is worse…

      2. allathian*

        I’m so grateful for flat screens, because they don’t flicker. On the old CRT screens, I could see the flicker, at least in peripheral vision, if it was anything less than 72 Hz.

    4. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      Something about heavy bass tones (the thumping) in music drives me nuts. Especially when it’s all you can hear (like coming from another car). Thumping bass feels like living inside a headache to me.

    5. RussianInTexas*

      Not lighthearted: I have misophonia, so all eating noises, and any noise neighbors make. I deal with this.
      Lighthearted: sandwich condiments on cheese. Condiments belong on meat! They should not touch cheese!

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Yes! Bread, condiments, meat, cheese, meat, condiments, bread. (And veggies are for salad, not sandwiches. Huff puff :) )

        1. I heart Paul Buchman*

          Someone told me you can tell how much money people had growing up by how they make a sandwich. Two rounds of meat – what are we millionaires?? Lol.

          1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            I just split the allotment of meat in half because the cheese doesn’t go next to the condiments. :) if I only get one slice of meat, condiments only go on one slice of bread.

          1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            Lettuce is not on my radar as edible for the most part. (And a related funny: once in making a sandwich I missed the paper the deli put between cheese slices, and it wasn’t until the third bite that my husband realized I hadn’t put lettuce on his sandwich. :-P )

    6. fposte*

      Big stores with super high ceilings, warehouse style. Not exactly sure why they disconcert me–it’s not like I’m worried somebody’s going to try to dock an airplane in the Best Buy, though they could–but I really dislike those spaces.

    7. the cat's ass*

      I have a hyperacute sense of smell. Sometimes this is a good thing (i can do the sniff test to see if food has gone over), but also really awful. One of my co workers (who is a sweetheart) uses a scent that is very strong and almost metallic smelling and it is a migraine in my nose. And she’s not dousing herself; it’s me.

    8. Tailgating sort of*

      In always think drivers are too close behind my cara. When they aren’t. My perception is off.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I have to remind myself if I can’t see the plate then that is actually a problem. I agree I do not like cars following closely and I really hate it when they come up fast behind me.

    10. The OG Sleepless*

      I absolutely loathe those noisy computer games on tablets that everybody shoves in their kids’ faces every minute they’re in public these days. I can’t stand listening to them and I think it’s creepy that the kids don’t interact with the world one bit, they just stare at those stupid games.

      1. allathian*

        I hate it when people on public transport don’t use headphones, it drives me up the wall to hear whatever crap someone else’s listening to.

    11. Olivia Oil*

      I’m generally a sensitive person and a lot of little things set me off, but in particular I’m weird about clothing textures. Fabrics can be too tight or textured or I feel uncomfortable. I especially hate the feelings of clothing tags sewn inside tops. Because of this, I have a tendency to wear the same comfortable items over and over again. Once I know I like a certain item, I was just buy multiple versions of it – sometimes of the same color. I’ve been made fun of for dressing like a cartoon character.

      2. KR*

        Socks rubbing together is like nails on a chalkboard for me! Certain fabrics too. It used to be worse when I was a kid, now I can usually take some deep breathes and deal with it. Hello fellow sensitive soul!

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Oh my gooood my husband rubs his socks or pants absentmindedly when he’s doing something else and yeah, it just sets my teeth on edge.

    12. usernames are anonymous*

      When people crack their knuckles – there’s just something about that sound – yuck.

    14. Blow Your Nose!*

      This is my very first post, I’m usually a lurker but I feel so strongly about this I had to share! I hate the sound of people sniffing/snuffling their nose (not sure if there is a specific word for this? It’s the sound when someone has to blow their nose, but instead they just try to snuff it back up inside). I think I find it extra annoying because it’s usually somewhat repetitive, they just keep snuffling, since it’s really not a permanent solution to the problem! Once I was on a bus and the person sitting behind me kept snuffling, and I honestly wanted to scream “blow your nose!!” and throw a tissue at them (this was pre-COVID so it was the noise bothering me, not the concern about germs).

      1. usernames are anonymous*

        at that place we don’t mention on the weekend I’ve moved to a new location and someone near me does that – really loudly and clears his mouth/nose by snorting/hacking – just bought myself new over the ear headphones as an early xmas present to block the noise. Next step will be to launch a box of kleenex at him over the wall … only in my dreams.

      2. Rainy*

        My husband does this and it makes me super irritated. He also (unsurprisingly) has awful stomach pain when he has an upper respiratory virus, and I have told him repeatedly that it’s from the sinus drainage, some of which cannot be helped, but if he would blow his damn nose, that would cut down on it! I think he’s finally starting to realize I’m right. We both have a terrible cold right now, and I’ve assigned him his Very Own Box of tissues and I think he’s realizing that my way is the best way. Finally. :P

        I love him but sometimes he drives me up a wall :)

    15. Turn on KUSC*

      Pseudo-music noise masking machines are a big one for me. The ‘tune’ meanders around for a minute or so then then repeats, and repeats, and repeats….. If you have any tendency towards repetitive thoughts that machine will drive you into a spiral.. I now turn the durn thing off when I arrive.

      Other offices have the local classical music station on which is much more soothing. Minimal announcing, rarely vocal music, and no NPR news or other commentary.

    16. retrowaveRecluse (they/them)*

      Ohh we had a big one at home last week. rR and pP were happy at home, both using their computers, pP was very lucky and was enjoying some boiled sweets. Usually that’s practically nothing to me. But this time, oh dear – pP is out of my eyeline and I hear an awful, dull-yet-sharp ‘thunk’. I am Sure it is the sound of the crunching on a sweet, but… How? How do they produce that dullish thunk sound with their Teeth? It kept happening. I kept quiet. It’s making me want to vomit and cringe and ‘aaaaaa’ but I’m just Dealing with it… for some half an hour. Then I lean over to confirm that they are making this strange inorganic gutpunch of a sound by ~chewing~ somehow, before I must ask them to cease and desist for the sake of my stomach contents.

      It was Not even That. It was the sound of their mouse, being gently lifted and replaced on the too-small too-sturdy mousepad. I was so disappointed in myself and I confessed that I was about to get all in their business about crunching boiled sweets but it was nothing of the sort at all, and they could hardly do the required mouse-levitation any quieter. Such is my brain. I spent the next half an hour going through periodic mini-crises of ‘That Sound..!!… ’tis but a mouse’. Such is. My Brain.

    17. RagingADHD*

      Tub baths. I don’t mind a big spa tub or hottub, but in a regular bath I can’t get myself all the way submerged, and I loathe the sensation of warm water vs cool air meeting at the waterline on my legs and torso.

      1. Mameshiba*

        This is where Asian baths are sooo much better. They’re generally not as long so you can’t lay down, but they’re much deeper so you can submerge properly knees and shoulders!

    18. Dwight Schrute*

      Neighbor noise outside of my control. We used to live in a townhouse and got new neighbors that would have bass thumping from their tv or music at all hours of the night and day but randomly and not consistently. I could not deal with it. It kept me up at night; interrupted my ability to work from home. We ended up moving to a single family home and it was a large part of our reasons for moving.

    19. Laura Petrie*

      I really hate whistling. It sets my teeth on edge.

      I also really don’t like having my ears touched, especially the cartilage. Shudder.

    20. MissCoco*

      On the lightly annoying side: too large socks, especially if it’s in the toes that they’re too big, sweatshirt cuffs that stretch out around my hands and get floppy and bell-shaped

  35. Double A*

    I don’t know if you’d be able to get it because when I checked it was backordered, but Becky Chambers Wayfarer series is fantastic and totally fits the sci Fi bill you’re describing.

  36. Swisa*

    What’s your favorite holiday food that you’re planning to make this year?

    Or a few good that you’re planning to try?

    We’re making chocolate mandelbrot (similar to biscotti) for a Christmas cookie for the first time! It’s a recipe from Midwest Made, and we’re excited. It calls for expresso powder, among other things.

    2. DarthVelma*

      I’m making two new things this year. As we speak, the dough for Hot Chocolate Cookies is chilling in the fridge. Going to bake them later this afternoon. Basically it’s a chocolate cookie that you roll into balls, flatten, put about 4 mini marshmallows on it, wrap the dough around the marshmallows, flatten it back out a bit, and bake. I cannot wait to see what happens. :-)

      And tomorrow I’m going to make hot cocoa bombs. Probably with mocha cocoa and a chocolate dipped cold brew flavored marshmallow inside.

      Anyone sensing a theme here? :-)

      1. tuesday*

        No. It’s not a fractal, either, which is what you probably meant. A fractile is used in statistics. Mandelbrot = almond bread is Yiddish (German too, I expect). It’s a cookie. Culturally Jewish, as I know them.

          1. AGD*

            I smiled, if it’s any consolation.

            Joke I saw on the internet at some point:

            Q. What does the B. in Benoit B. Mandelbrot stand for?
            A. Benoit B. Mandelbrot.

    4. Grey Panther*

      Scotch eggs, favorite year-end treat. My New Year’s res is to make them more often than once a year.

    5. The Dogman*

      Prob chocolate snowballs.

      Oats, butter, caster sugar, small amount of coffee, chocolate powder all mixed…

      Then roll in icing sugar and refrigerate for a couple of hours.

      They are great, but very fatty and sugary, so I can only manage 1 or 2 a day, but my friends kids will demolish the lot in approx 0.0004 seconds when they find out I have some!

    6. CJM*

      We love Pigs in a Blanket (aka piggies): Lit’l Smokies wrapped in pieces of crescent-roll dough and baked up. We make them only on holidays and serve them with ketchup and mustard. If there’s a big meal planned, these are the appetizer. Yum!

    7. WellRed*

      I’m making gingerbread. It’s also my birthday and I didn’t get any sort of birthday treat last year (theming) so taking matters into my own hands.

      1. I take tea*

        Oh, we made ginger bread from scratch the other week and it was so fun! (And tasty). Happy birthday!

    8. Dark Macadamia*

      My favorite is peanut butter balls! I wasn’t planning to make any this year because they’re so messy but my uncle posted pictures of his and we’re not seeing the extended family this year so now I’m making a small batch after all :)

      I also have a couple types of cookies that I always make – spritz and chocolate (similar to crinkle cookies but without the powdered sugar). I’m not as excited about gingerbread but my kids have been asking so we’ll so a small batch of those too.

      I realize all my answers are desserts but that’s the most important Christmas food to me lol

    9. Falling Diphthong*

      Roast prime rib, Mark Bittman’s recipe.

      While turkey does nothing for me, prime rib at Christmas has been recurring for several years now. It’s something that isn’t super difficult, but because of its size I don’t make it other times.

      The next day we have popovers holding a leftover slice.

    10. the cat's ass*

      I made gallons on Nuts and Bolts (aka my mum’s recipe for Chex party mix) from scratch. The house smelled like Worscestershire sauce for a week, but they came out great!

    11. Charlotte Lucas*

      I am getting ready to go back to my normal holiday baking. I usually make 7-9 types of cookies & confections every year but didn’t last year. (We weren’t seeing anyone, & I was nervous about the PO – both going there & getting things to people on time – & people were still being cautious about homemade food.)

      Kolacky is definitely on my list. I found some new recipes I want to try, too. It’s always a balancing act between family favorites & trying new things…

  37. Green Goose*

    Curious on others thoughts on an argument my group of friends had years ago:
    John and Stella were a couple and they hung out with a pretty rowdy group of people. Heavy weekend drinking every weekend. They and their friends were all underpaid teachers so they were super excited when a guy moving out of their neighborhood gave them an amazing deal on a luxury television. Think retail price $1,200 and they got it for $150.

    They had a rowdy party with their rowdy friends and one of the girls who was very drunk grabbed the television to steady herself but it fell over and broke.

    This is where people were divided:
    The girl offered to give them $150 but they said she needed to replace it. What do you all think Should have happened?

    2. fposte*

      So this was a secondhand TV to start with, even? I’d gratefully accept the $150 and understand that the price of rowdy parties is accepting damage. And then I’d tell all the other friends that it’s all sorted and nobody needs to talk about this anymore.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Agreed. When we invite other beings into our lives and into our homes it is not without risk. Accidents happen even if people are sober. I had two guests break lamps here. Both instances were accidents. Because I shop frugally, the loss was not that big to me. I told them don’t worry about it. One person gave me money to replace the lamp shade that broke in her accident. With that $15 I bought 3 matching shades for each lamp in the room. Make lemonade.

        In this example, I see a couple who are actually very good at scoping out deals. They grabbed this tv for a fraction of the cost. If it were me I would happily accept the 150 and start my search for another great deal on a tv. And I would consider putting it in a different spot if possible so it would not get knocked over so readily.
        And I would definitely think about my own contribution to how this problem came about. What could *I* change about what *I* am doing?

      3. Public Sector Manager*

        Totally agree. Besides, the first thing I did when I got my fancy TV was to mount it to the TV stand it was sitting on, so if someone did stumble against it, it wouldn’t go anywhere. Here, it was an innocent mistake and the price of having guests.

    3. Elizabeth West*

      I think the best John and Stella could expect for a used television was the $150 they paid for it. It’s a bit disingenuous to host a rowdy party and then expect someone to pay what it would have cost new when it inevitably gets broken. I mean, they were partly responsible for facilitating the risky situation in the first place.

      1. Pennyworth*

        I agree. They got a really good deal on a $1200 TV, so they basically saved $1050 – or they never wanted to spend more than $150 on a TV, so that is a fair offer.

    4. Texan In Exile*

      Oh no. She needs to replace it. She broke it and she needs to put them back to where they were before she broke it.

      I took an out of town friend to a July 4th party. He broke one of their chairs. I went to Target and bought a new one. Maybe they got the chair at a garage sale for a dollar? I don’t know. The point is the chair is what needed to be replaced, not the money they spent to buy it.

    5. Pay No Attention To The Man Behind The Curtain*

      Never expect replacement value on anything. Used items are never worth the replacement value. I think she was good to offer the $150 on a used TV bought for a bargain. They all could have tried to find an equally used TV on internet or thrift store and asked her to pay half …half their liability as hosts, half her liability for not stopping before getting to that state. If she’d been injured by falling, she could have held them liable…

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Indeed. Even insurance would not pay current replacement value.

        At one time (I am not familiar with what is happening now) there were insurance plans that gave you the cost of the item at current market price. But you paid extra for this plan.

        Sadly, I watched family members go into total meltdown when they found out their car insurance would not buy them a brand new car. It was hard to watch this.

        1. A Wall*

          My renter’s insurance does do replacement rather than actual value of the damaged item. I remember that used to be unheard of, but I think it’s swung that direction in recent years. Which is surprising, I wonder why that is.

          1. Pay No Attention To The Man Behind The Curtain*

            I imagine it’s just easier than trying to figure out the depreciated value of a bunch of household items, furniture and clothes. I can say though, as a renter, most basic policies I’ve ever seen don’t cover more expensive items like computers/electronics, artwork, or expensive jewelry…you have to buy additional insurance specifically for those things.

    6. Swisa*

      Replacement would be fair. You can’t buy a new tv for $150. If they wanted to be kind, they could ask for half the value of a new tv, maybe thinking that it should have been secured better.

      But even though the original tv was $150, if she gives them $150, they still won’t have a TV.

      Like if someone had gifted them a TV, and this person accidentally destroyed it, should she not pay them anything, because it was free to them? No.

      1. My heart is a fish*

        This. Sure, they only spent $150 on it, but $150 won’t get them a new one. And it’s not like this kind of thing could turn into a profitable scam.

        The person who broke the TV needs to replace the TV, whether that’s by giving the owner money for one or finding one they’ll accept. If they can do that for less than the cost of a new TV (ie, if they go find a used one themselves) that is fine, but it should be reasonably comparable to the one that was broken.

      2. Patty Mayonnaise*

        This is where I fall as well. The TV needs to be replaced, and the friend is unlikely to find any remotely comparable TV for $150. Since these people are friends, it would be nice if they compromised on the value of the TV and agree to a cost somewhere in between $150 and $1200 (like maybe they can see if a similar TV is on sale used somewhere and use that as the value instead of the cost of a new TV).

    7. The Dogman*

      Replace it with like for like.

      If she can get a good deal then great, but if not then she should have bought a new one, or all the guests should have clubbed in and pooled their cash.

      Saying just cos they got it for $150 is wrong, like for like is the only way.

      But you friends needed to have house insurance and this would not have been an issue!

    8. Olivia Oil*

      Short answer: $150 is the right amount

      Long answer: Property damage is an inherent risk of having people at your house. It is nice of the guest to offset the cost of replacing it, but I don’t think you should ever expect it, especially if it was an honest accident. (If they were being intentionally destructive or careless, don’t invite them again but also still wouldn’t expect them to replace it.)

      1. Olivia Oil*

        I will say, if I broke someone’s tv I would be super embarrassed and offer to replace it entirely, but idk – it’s not always guaranteed people will or can do this.

        Also second all the comments about getting property insurance.

      2. Reba*

        Yes, I think a guest should offer to replace or reimburse, but I also think a host should not demand it or should graciously agree to the offered amount. I just can’t really picture myself pinning $1200 on a friend or guest.

        1. WellRed*

          I can’t either but I also can’t fathom a tv costing $1200. What the hell does luxury mean in such a context?

          1. fposte*

            Probably a big tech jump right when that was costly because of novelty. Probably the equivalent would cost a lot less. But it also sounds like John and Stella wouldn’t have gotten a $1500 TV left to their own budgets, so I don’t think they’re owed one just because that’s what got broken. The guest offered to make them whole for what they spent. I’d call that even, and a lot of courts would, too.

          2. Public Sector Manager*

            The TV might have been $1,200 when the first owner bought it, but I doubt it was worth $1,200 when it was sold for $150. You can get a 65″ Samsung LED for $500 at Costco. Getting $150 from your friend will go a long way to getting a very good budget TV with 4K and UHD.

    9. I heart Paul Buchman*

      The friend should offer (sincerely) to replace the tv. This could be secondhand if she can find one but the effort is on her.

      The party-throwers should graciously decline her kind offer and tell her that it is fine! The tv was to big for the space! They didn’t need the tv anyway!

      This dance should be repeated three times, ending in the person replacing the tv, the party throwers then thank them profusely, saying ‘ you didn’t need to do that’ (she did) and buying her a bunch of flowers as thanks.

      Thus, society continues to function as it always has :)

    10. Morning reader*

      What should have happened:

      She should have offered.

      They should have refused.

      She should have doubled down, reached for her wallet and said, at least let me give you what I can…

      All her/their friends should have taken up the cause, passed the hat, shaken the tree, and if even that didn’t produce enough to get a decent replacement, made plans to throw a classic rent party the following night or weekend.

    11. RagingADHD*

      Giving them $150 is replacing it. What are they even arguing about?

      Was someone saying she owed them a brand-new TV for the secondhand one that got broken? What a scam.

      I also don’t understand what them being broke teachers, or the crowd being rowdy, or their general drinking behavior, had to do with it. None of that is relevant.

      1. Green Goose*

        I mentioned those facts because those were parts of the “arguments” in the “for” and “against” her replacing the tv debate, so I wanted the commentariat to have the same details.

        Some people were arguing since John and Stella were underpaid teachers that they would never be able to replace something like that, and then the other girl’s defenders were saying since she was also an underpaid teacher she couldn’t afford it. We were all making about $23k-$24k a year so $1,200 was so, so much. Other people were arguing that since John and Stella hosted a big drinking event, they should have expected people to knock the tv over and moved it. And then others said that the girl got way too drunk and rowdy and because of that she should buy them a new one.

        1. RagingADHD*

          What kind of TV would John and Stella have if their wealthy friend hadn’t given them a sweetheart price on it? Easy come, easy go.

          I think turning one’s own windfall or a favor done for you, into a grudge to hold over a friend’s head would be a particularly shitty thing to do. That’s the opposite of “paying it forward” when someone does you a kindness.

          I hope that sentiment wasn’t coming from John & Stella, but from some misguided other friend.

    12. Green Goose*

      Thanks everyone! A few more details based on comments:
      I doubt that they got insurance on the tv but not 100% sure.
      The tv was almost brand new, the guy they bought it from had just bought it but was in the military and had to move suddenly (thus selling all his stuff cheap and fast). These things are much cheaper these days, but this was in 2012 or so and it was the nicest tv anyone I knew owned. We were all making about $23k-$24k a year so an item like this was normally out of reach for us.

      John had made an announcement earlier in the evening about people staying away from the tv, and half-joking/half-serious said “you break it you buy it” but the apartment was small, got crowded easily and that girl was already drunk by the time he said that and they continued to serve drinks to her.

      I had been in the “she needs to replace it!” camp at the time but not sure anymore, I see fault on both sides.

      1. Rusty Shackelford*

        I’m late and I don’t know if you’ll see this, but I think she should replace the TV. As someone said, if it had been a gift, does that mean she doesn’t have to offer anything at all? And also, I don’t think hosting a party means you automatically accept all risk of damage. That’s just awful and is not how adults act.

  38. Elenna*

    I’m removing this because in the earlier rounds of vaccinations, questions like this led to a ton of misinformation in replies. You’re better off talking to your doctor. My apologies! – Alison

  39. Lizy*

    How do you know if a kid still believes in Santa without asking?

    My 8YO – I think – has realized Santa isn’t real. But I’m not entirely sure, and obviously don’t want to be like “so do you think Santa is real?” Halp!

    1. fposte*

      It’s not uncommon for kids and parents to go on for several years pretending to each other. I’d just stick to that until eventually you get the kid eyeroll and the “Sure, Mom. ‘Santa.'”

    2. Olivia Oil*

      I don’t have a good answer to this but I love this question.

      Maybe ask them about their typical Christmas morning and see if they mention Santa as being a big part of the day?

      1. Lizy*

        He did see me wrapping some presents the other day and said something about “ooohhh are those for me”. I joked they were all for his little brother and sister. When other adults have said something about Santa he gets this look like “yeah right” but hasn’t out-and-out said it.

    3. Santa Skeptic*

      Does it matter for a particular reason? I hope that doesn’t come off as snarky, because it is not! I am honestly curious. In my family, there were presents under the tree from Santa right up until all of us kids moved out. No one believed it by then, hadn’t for years of course, but … it was tradition? And we even knew which parent they were from, too, because one was the organized gift giver and the other was emphatically not. It never bothered me or my siblings, as far as I could tell. Are there any negatives for anyone in continuing to do whatever stuff you do? If not, I’d just keep going. That’ll be part of what makes Christmas for your kid, regardless of whether or not he buys the story in total. My two cents.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I’m 41 and still haven’t told my parents I don’t believe in Santa, because when I started to question the Tooth Fairy when I was 8 that jerk docked me a penny. As long as I don’t doubt out loud, Santa still brings me presents :)

        1. Lissajous*

          Ha, I tested the tooth fairy one once by not mentioning the lost tooth to my parents (it was a back one, so not obvious).
          You can be sure I mentioned every lost tooth after that!

          1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            I told my dad my Grand Plan (“I brought home one of the special offering envelopes from church to put it in, so I’ll know if she has to open it!”) so instead of my normal quarter the next morning I had two dimes, four pennies and a note in shaky handwriting that said “docked one penny for not believing,” all in a “still”-sealed offering envelope from our church.

      2. Lizy*

        Nah, I guess it doesn’t really. I mean, all of the presents just have the kids’ names on them. Nothing says who it’s from at all. But this is the first year that literally no one else will be here, so all presents are either from Mom and Dad (me and husband) or Santa.

        He’s also very vocal and will definitely be like “aww, hey LittleSister! This present is from SANTA! Santa came! Don’t you like Santa?” He’ll do this regardless of if he believes or not, and he still won’t tell us if he believes.

        So I guess the real question is – can I leave the present tags alone (with no mention of who they’re from), or do I need to suck it up and write who it’s from on each one, since my 8YO will announce it to everyone anyhow?

      3. Pay No Attention To The Man Behind The Curtain*

        Lol. Same. I think my parents still marked presents from Santa until I went to college. By then it was more that THESE presents were the most special and therefore only added to the tree/stocking at the last minute. Other presents were wrapped and added as part of the “decor” far before Christmas, and those were mostly likely to be something mundane, like socks — from dad, with love.

    4. Pennyworth*

      Why does it matter if he does/doesn’t believe in Santa? I found out when I was six, because I woke up in the middle of the night and ‘Santa’ had delivered presents to the foot of my bed but my parents were still up. I can clearly remember thinking ”Oh, it’s them being Santa”, and not being bothered at all – and I never said anything about it. I think we go from straight believing in Santa to joining the Santa conspiracy, because announcing that we know he isn’t real is tantamount to calling our parents liars.

    5. Dark Macadamia*

      I just always talk about Santa as if he’s real even if no kids are in earshot. Your kid will start the conversation if they want to have it!

    6. Falling Diphthong*

      Plenty of kids figure it out and then have a few years where they don’t want to spoil it for their parents. (I do get uncomfortable when adults get over-invested in demanding that kids believe no matter their age or doubts–it should be a fun thing that gets set aside as they become more logical.)

      My oldest just asked at around 8. (Specifically, she had realized there was some dubious physics involving the Easter bunny.) Since she was 6 years older than her sibling I asked if she thought we should do Santa and the Easter bunny for her brother, and she gravely considered it and said yes, it had been fun to believe and so we should do it for him.

      … I should ask when he figured it out. It seemed to just gradually fade off, with no stunning revelation. (Oldest was shocked, shocked, that if I was the Easter bunny I had apparently at some point gone to the store without her.)

    7. RagingADHD*

      When my kids asked if Santa was real, I told them that Santa magic is like a game with 2 teams-the kid team that doesn’t know how the magic works, but gets to enjoy it, and the grownup team that knows all about it and helps make the magic. If she wanted to switch teams, I’d explain it, but once you switch you can’t switch back.

      My kids are teens now, and I can’t imagine they still “believe,” but it stopped being about believing a long time ago. We play the game.

      The main presents have been from mom & dad for years, but they still get stockings and little gifts from Santa.

      1. Dark Macadamia*

        I really love this explanation. I enjoyed Santa as a kid but haven’t enjoyed it from the parent side as much as I thought I would. This might be the best way of framing it I’ve seen, so thank you!

    8. Epsilon Delta*

      When I was young (probably about your child’s age) I straight up asked my mom if Santa was real. She told me no. I said something like, “ok I thought so.” We continued happily giving presents from Santa every year anyway.

    9. Unwrapped*

      I have no idea. But I suppose the point is, what would you do differently if you knew? The answer might be academically and parentally interesting, but if I were a parent I don’t think it’d change my actions either way. Growing up I at some point came to understand that Santa = Parents, but to this day on Christmas morning at my parents’ there are some gifts from Santa, and stockings which we understand are meant to be from Santa, and the fact that Santa is made up doesn’t have anything to do with whether or not we carry on the tradition. Santa didn’t “stop coming” once I figured it out, it’s just that he changed from coming in an “actually real” way to coming in a “fake but meaningful and traditional” way.

      1. UKDancer*

        Same here. I still get a Christmas stocking and I’m well grown up (in theory anyway). It’s one of the things I do with my parents when we’re together including putting a mince pie and a glass of brandy out for santa on Christmas Eve. I think you’re right that it changed from being a real way to a fake but traditional way. I mean we could stop but it’s quite fun to do.

    10. Esmeralda*

      Keep up the pretense. It’s sweet. And really why does it matter?

      I’m quite sure my almost 22-year-old son does not believe in Santa. But Santa still leaves him a note on thh N e cookie plate to be read Christmas morning.

    11. allathian*

      I’m in Finland, and we celebrate on Christmas Eve. That’s when we have the main meal, and open presents in the evening. A part of the tradition is that many families get visits from Santa, usually a male relative or neighbor. It’s also very common for college students to earn some money by dressing up as Santa and distributing presents.

      I lost my belief in Santa when I was 4. This was the mid-70s, and Santa masks were horrible plastic ones. We were at my grandmother’s, and one of my uncles had dressed up as Santa. But he didn’t disguise his voice, and I had a total meltdown and screamed the house down asking what had happened to my uncle, and I wouldn’t calm down, until my uncle took his mask off and showed me that he was okay. That ruined my belief in Santa.

      I still distrust and even slightly fear clowns and I’m uncomfortable around people with fully or partially covered faces, although one of the benefits of Covid-enforced mask wearing is that I’m used to seeing masks on people’s faces and wearing them myself, and no longer react to face masks. But the somewhat traumatic way I lost my belief in Santa is the main reason why we haven’t even attempted to instil a belief in Santa, or the tooth fairy, or the Easter bunny, or any other fantasy figures, in our son. When he was young enough that many of his friends believed in Santa, we did ask him not to tell them their belief was “wrong” by making it into an “adult secret” that all kids learn eventually, he just did it earlier than most of his peers. That didn’t stop my MIL from dressing up as “Santa”, white beard and all, a couple of times. My son enjoyed the joke, and the second time, when she’d taken off the beard and her inside-out winter coat, my son took the beard, lumbered in like an old man, and in a quavery voice asked if there were any “good children” in this house, the traditional question asked by Santa as he arrives. That was an early indication of his wonderful sense of humor. He certainly had all of us laughing until our stomachs hurt.

  40. Patty's Pity Party*

    I’m having a horrible holiday. Before Thanksgiving, my elderly mother had a bad fall. I took her to an Urgent care clinic and they took x-rays and said that she only suffered bruising, but she was in a lot of pain. On Thanksgiving day we went to the emergency room, but there was a 2-hour wait and my mother decided to have me take her home. We didn’t have a Thanksgiving dinner. Then Friday, she was still in pain and I took her to the emergency room at a hospital (not the urgent care center) and they discovered she had a broken vertebrate. So she had surgery on the vertebrate (pins and screws). Then after that, while still in the hospital, her heart started acting up and they diagnosed A-Fib and 2 days later they put in a PaceMaker. She’s still in the hospital recovering.

    My sister and I are also taking care of my elderly father, who has become increasingly doddering. I didn’t realize just how much my mother did for him and how helpless he has become. He’s also had some health problems and I’ve had to take time off from work to take him to the doctor’s office several times since my mother’s hospitalization. There’s another sister who lives far away coming in to visit next week which I hope will help us. I’ve also had some help from one of my nieces. Another niece has just had a baby and is isn’t doing all that well herself. My sister and I are both exhausted. I’ve fallen behind on laundry. My house and my parent’s houses are messes. That place we don’t talk about here on weekends won’t let me take any time off until after New Year’s. My sister’s employer has been a bit more accommodating of her and she’s been more able to help out my parents during the week. But we haven’t done any Christmas decorating, no tree or anything, and haven’t bought any presents. I’m thinking gift cards for everybody.

    When my mother gets out of the hospital she won’t be fully able to care for herself and we’ll still be doing a lot for both of my parents. Anybody else ever had to go through a long hard slog like this? Any advice?

    1. Florida Woman*

      First of all, I am sorry your family is going through this! Like a lot of people, our family has dealt with aging parents with medical challenges, and it is so hard. Navigating the health care system is hard, supporting daily life needs of parents is hard, and it sounds like you may ultimately face the question of whether your parents can continue to live on their own — the hardest question of all. Other than sympathy, the only advice I can offer is this: acknowledge to yourself that you are in a triage situation. There are only so many hours in the day, and not everything will be done, or done perfectly. You just have to do what’s absolutely necessary without burning out. It’s OK to wear the same shirt a few times before washing it! It’s OK not to have the usual Christmas decorations! Find ways to save time, which is your most precious resource. Instead of decorating your house and doing a big Christmas meal, drive the family around some well-decorated neighborhoods to enjoy the lights on Christmas Eve, then stop at a restaurant for a meal. The most important thing is to be proud of how much you ARE handling, and not get down about things that you don’t have time to tackle.

    2. The Dogman*

      I am so sorry, that sounds exhausting.

      I am going to be going through this with my parents over the next decade, my dads health is weakening (2 heart attacks and while he lost all the excess weight he is still having issues with IBS and associated bowel issues) and my mother and step father are approaching/at 70 so they are starting to get serious issues with joints and so on (AnE Nurse for 40 years for mum, that has ruined her back and knees, and 30 years as a Paramedic for my stepdad has destroyed his knee and hip).

      But my sister is living the high life at the expense of the ruling classes in Dohar, so I get to do all this alone.

      And my parents live 120 miles apart, so my car is going to get some miles on it over the next few years that is for sure!

      Not looking forwards to it, glad you have some support at least!

      Sorry your pay issuers are not being more helpful too…

      1. The Dogman*

        Pressed post instead of adding the advice…

        Ask for help early, if you are struggling ask friends and family to assist, go to the local government to find out what support you can get from them etc, find time each day to decompress a bit at least (even a simple coffee then walk the dog routine can be hugely helpful in maintaining good mental health), find some time each day for exercise (just a few squats and some pushups can be very good for stress) and remember… you cannot keep someone else warm for long by lighting yourself on fire!

        Good luck, all the best for you and yours!

    3. beentheredonethat*

      Breathe, prioritize and simplify. Pace yourself. Find time for your emotions. I stress cook. If you can hire anything out, do it. IE Hire someone to come in and clean and wash clothes. Most things DO NOT MATTER. Plan for someone to come in and stay with your parents. Trade off with your sister… you on for 48 hours and or whatever. You need a mental and physical break. Find your Dad’s friends and invite them over or even better drop them off at their house for an afternoon.
      Plan for someone to come in and stay with your parents. The paperwork to help your parents is a huge pain. If one of your family is good at it. Bless them and let them do it.
      I am in year 3 of working full time and dealing with my Mom’s dementia slowly getting worse and worse. Everyone will tell you take care of yourself. It is true and it also is a cruel joke. I constantly second guess myself. Do your best and then let it go and let it go and deal with today.

    4. fueled by coffee*

      Oh, how awful. I’m wishing both your parents — especially your mom — a straightforward recovery. I’ve watched my parents go through this (lots of health issues stretching across several years) with my grandparents, so here are some things they found helpful. In general, your concern for your parents and the amount of time that managing healthcare needs, etc. isn’t going to go away — of course you’re worried about your parents, they’re your parents! Health crises are scary and emotionally draining! — but it can help to offload the other things that are causing you stress as much as possible:

      -contact your local senior services agency. They are sometimes limited in what they can do, but (for example), ours were able to send a nurse to my grandmother’s home for routine healthcare needs so that my mom didn’t need to drive her to a doctor’s office. Is your father eligible for meals on wheels or some other services that might ease the burden of keeping up the house? I know this is not financially feasible for everyone, but if there’s room for it in the budget, can you hire an aide for a few hours a week to help your father (and eventually your mother too)? Can you sign up for a grocery delivery service for them? When my grandparents were in the in-between state of not quite needing full-time care, but not being fully independent, having someone to check in on them and deal with housekeeping — and medical needs, like bathing, etc. when that became difficult — was so helpful to my parents.

      -Same goes for your house — even if you don’t want to spend on a cleaning service, is there a college student home on winter break in your neighborhood who would take some cash in exchange for running/folding the laundry, general tidying, maybe hanging some Christmas decorations if that’s important to you? This would probably run the same amount as whatever babysitting goes for in your area, and spare you from feeling as overwhelmed as you are (which, of course you’re overwhelmed! You’re in crisis mode! Let someone else run the wash.).

      It sucks that this is happening during the holiday season. But give everyone gift cards (they’ll understand, and anyway I LOVE getting to choose how I spend gift cards), don’t worry about having a tree this year if you don’t get around to it, and just focus on getting through this period. I’m not going to give you platitudes about how the true magic of the holiday is spending time with family or whatever – this year’s holidays are going to suck, and you’re going to recognize that they suck, and you’re going to have feelings about how it would be better if they didn’t suck. But it’s okay for the holidays to suck this year. Focus on preserving your mental health instead of rushing to buy the perfect Christmas tree or gift or whatever.

    5. Chauncy Gardener*

      I am so terribly sorry you’re going through this! Please be gentle with yourself and just cancel the holiday. Do what you feel you can handle and no more.
      Can you afford some household help, even if it’s just a one time cleaning of both houses? Can you drop off your laundry at one of those laundrymats that do it for you? Sometimes the one time Just Get It Done can be such a relief and you don’t feel as if you’re drowning anymore
      Also, please check your local Council on Aging or Senior Center or whatever. There are a LOT of services out there for your parents.
      There may also be services available for your niece through her hospital, FYI
      I wish you all the best dealing with this and please know this internet stranger is rooting for you!

    6. SnappinTerrapin*

      My deepest sympathy.

      I won’t recount my experience. I’ll just say that I understand.

      Don’t hesitate to ask for help. Take some time for yourself while doing what you can. Accept the fact that you can only do so much. Do what you can, and “let the rough end drag.”

      In other words, don’t beat yourself up for having human limitations.

      Again, best wishes for your mother to have a straightforward recovery. (I love that phrasing, and intend to adopt it. )

    7. RosyGlasses*

      I’m currently in this slog. My father has been declining fairly rapidly over the past three years and my mom has worked herself into an early grave doing everything. I finally convinced her to hire a part time caregiver in home (also because they have long term care insurance that would pay for it) and about 6 months later that person quit and due to their location (rural) and covid / staffing it was easier to put him into assisted living.

      Cue COVID and my parents denial of it and they both got it a few months ago and the saga continues.

      Add that they live three hours away and it has been hard.

      I think there are support groups for things like that but I’ve not had the energy to look for them – but I will this next year because it’s a lot to handle. Between my stressful work, and this – I have had to really step up my health and self care game to manage it all.

      I empathize and I’m so happy to talk with you at any time if you have questions – it is challenging to navigate this and resources can be hard to find.

    8. WoodswomanWrites*

      My heart goes out to you and your sister. This is so much to manage and you’re only human and can only do so much. It sounds like your parents have reached the point where they need additional caregiving beyond family members, either in their home or in a senior facility.

      Look into your locally available services for seniors from governmental agencies and/or nonprofits. This varies depending on where you live and whether you’re in an urban or rural setting, and whether or not you’re looking for services that are paid or low-cost. If you’re not sure where to start, contact your county’s department of public health.

      A lot of course depends on your parents’ state of mind. Would they welcome moving to a senior facility where they can get their meals and have a social life with others? Are they committed to being in their home with help coming in? These are just starting points of course.

      And most important, your well-being matters more than laundry. I echo what others have said about getting help for your own self-care. All the best to you and your family.

    9. retired3*

      The aging parent here…get someone to clean and do your laundry. Spend your/their money. It’s worth every penny.

    10. Washi*

      When the discharge planning is happening for your mom, hopefully they will connect her to some home health help, but if that doesn’t seem to be happening, ask! Medicare will pay if your mom is deemed in need of skilled nursing.

      For your dad, I would contact your local agency on aging to see if there are any practices that specialize in elder care and provide home visits, so he doesn’t have to get out as much. And I agree with the other commenters – spend your parents money if you can on things like cleaners and laundry services for them!

      Lastly, once your mom is home and things have settled down a tiny bit, I would really recommend having a frank conversation about what the plan is as they unfortunately inevitably decline. If they’re hoping to be eligble for Medicaid at some point to pay for care, it’s helpful to start planning for that as soon as possible so they can make the appropriate choices about how to arrange their financial affairs. It sounds like the level of help you are currently providing is just not sustainable. Good luck!!

    11. Observer*

      Firstly, my deepest sympathy.

      On the work front, it’s possible that your employer may be legally required to give you the time off, even if unpaid. Check out if FMLA applies to your employer. I wouldn’t ask them – The DOL has a website with information, and that should give you a good sense of whether you are entitled. At which point you would have to make a formal request. Also, your state or city may have other more inclusive requirements in that regard.

      In the meantime, throw money at the problem if you can. That is, pay someone to do all of the things that need to be done that are things that YOU need to do. Things like laundry and basic house cleaning can be done by people other than yourselves.

      Also, reach out to your local Agency on Aging (or whatever it is called in your neck of the woods.) Also, check local resources for seniors. Between them, they might have some resources for you. Things like an aide for your father, since it’s highly likely that even once your mother is out of the hospital it’s unlikely that she’ll be able to take up her prior level of care-taking, or even just the kind of household help I just suggested you pay for, since that can be a cost that’s hard to shoulder in the long term. And possibly a social worker or the like who can help you navigate the system and / or help you with the emotional side of this. Because it’s tough essentially becoming the parent.

      It’s a lot more doable to deal with the emotional fallout when you are not exhausted and when basic physical needs are taken care of.

  41. Anon for this*

    I’ve had so many unhappy Christmas days that I am filled with dread as the days count down. For many years, we traveled to foreign countries over the season but can’t do that anymore. There is a week to go and every day is a struggle. I am not religious at all so there is no help there. No one knows how much I dread this- and I can’t talk to anyone about it. Volunteering is not an option. I want Norman Rockwell- but that will never happen. I do have another person in my life- who is not a resource. Just let me get through another one, please. Looking for support.

    1. The Dogman*

      ” and I can’t talk to anyone about it.”

      Could you get some talking therapy locally?

      This is clearly upsetting you, perhaps therapy can give you some coping skills to get through this time of year with the least stress possible?

      Perhaps stop watching TV etc and put on summertime films/TV shows etc, you could perhaps counter the bad memories with some distractions for now?

      Good luck anyway, that sounds awful to have to deal with.

    2. Lizy*

      Oh I hear ya. I hate Christmas. I am religious, and obviously Christmas is supposed to be a time of celebration and joy. And honestly? If it wasn’t for my kids, my husband and I would probably just ignore it completely.

      This year is hard as we’ve lost our oldest. I’m sure he’s struggling with it, too, and there’s a part of me that wants to reach out and tell him I love him and we miss him. And there’s a part of me that says he’s made his decision, and made it painfully clear he wants nothing to do with us, and why should I invite pain and sorrow into my life by reaching out?

      Both my husband and I are doing our best for our 3 other kids, but yeah. I worry if we’re hiding it enough. Or showing them enough emotion to let them know that it’s ok to hurt. Or…

      I’m sorry. It sucks. I wish I had better advice other than keep you head down, have some wine or chocolate, have a good cry, and be glad when it’s over.

    3. Chauncy Gardener*

      I’m so sorry you’re going through this! I’m in a similar boat. I wish I had the huge happy family and all the holiday trappings, but I just have a small family and no one but me is into Christmas. The rest of my family (of origin) is a toxic mess, and I am NC with them. So I decorate a little bit, then do the “anti-Christmas” stuff. Like make chicken korma for Christmas Day dinner with a margarita as big as my face. :) And make homemade pizza on the grill for Christmas Eve. And I make sure I have a stack of good books that I really want to read and then I just lose myself in them. By the time I come up for air, it’s over!

    4. Not So NewReader*

      I have often thought that if we had a party for all those doing life or holidays mostly on their own we’d need to rent a stadium because far too many are on their own.

      I think the run up to the holidays is the hardest part for me. It’s like waiting for the other shoe to drop. By the time the day comes, I feel nothing but relief that it’s almost over. I noticed the hype (ads) do not help me. Perhaps put yourself where you see less advertising- maybe find movies that interest you rather than watching the major networks on tv. Spend five minutes looking at news then turn to something else. The news is never uplifting.

      When my husband passed I tried to focus on simple ideas that I would actually do. This could be working on a craft/hobby or stashing a bag of popcorn to go with a good book on the holiday. Here I tried to think of things that I ordinarily found comforting or soothing- a soak in a hot bath tub, a short walk, keep it simple and doable.

      My life coach at that time said to get a plan of something I would actually do for each holiday. Gosh that was a CHORE. By the time New Years rolled around- SLEEP was my main activity. Keeping ourselves rested and hydrated are two simple activities that are actually supportive in times of stress.

      AAM has a Christmas open forum, you could plan on reading that, if you like. It’s surprising how many people are there. When you do find something that is even a tiny bit supportive- keep track and remember it for next year.

      And cry when you need to. Crying causes a chemical reaction in the brain that helps to keep the brain healthy. So in a way, crying actually fortifies us to push through what we need to push through.

      I am sorry that you have sorrow and pain. I wish I could lift it off of you.

    5. thebeanmoveson*

      solidarity here, this time of year makes me so miserable. i dont have a lot advice, but the thing that keeps me going is the mantra “the only way out is through” soon it will be over and in the past. but you are not alone in your feelings.

    6. Squidhead*

      Thinking of you and sending you strength.

      It sounds like you need space to grieve what you are missing, and Christmas might be the most poignant symbol of it but it sounds like this grief is deeper than that. You might need to grit your teeth and get through the next week, but please don’t deny yourself the time or effort to look at this more closely. I’m sorry that you are living with this deep and secret pain.

    7. HR Person*

      I’m so sorry – it sounds really hard. I know you said you’re not religious but there are some places that do services (like an hour long church/non-church service) for people who struggle through the holidays. The one that comes to mind are Unitarian Universalist churches. They can be very non-religious and non-churchy (some don’t mention Jesus or the Bible or God at all). They can be caring and non-judgmental. This year many are still doing these services on zoom so you can google UU churches far and wide to find a “holiday blues” service that fits your schedule and mindset.

      1. Cookie*

        Me too! I’m going out to the park to build a big fire Tuesday night. None of my friends are interested and my family lives 400 miles away, so I’m going by myself. All that fire, just for me!

    9. KR*

      I can offer commiseration. Christmas used to be my favorite time of year and somehow it’s morphed into this extremely sad time for me every year. I hate how the month feels for me and I want it to be different but it isn’t. I know this is easier said than done, but I stopped trying so hard. If I get a tree up, if I eat cookies, if I have a nice meal, okay cool. If I don’t do anything special that’s ok too. No gifts. I usually get New Years cards sent out sometime in January. I just stopped trying to do it at all and then slowly added stuff in as I was ok with it.

      Part of it for me was a weird type of Fomo where I felt like I had to have a wonderful Christmas time and it had to be in December. But then I realized, I can throw myself a Christmas in July if I want because I’m a grown up. Or not. It’s ok.

    10. Anono-me*

      Sending support and good wishes.

      When I had bad Decembers, I found it helpful to focus like crazy on any bright spot on the horizon, even just that NYE ment that the horrible month would be over. I read and watched videos a lot (No live tv with happy holiday ads and no tv news.

      If you are an animal person, but currently without one in your life, is there one you could borrow for a little bit (or possibly foster, lots of shelters in the USA have been helping KY shelters and need more fosters. ).

      IMHO Decembers are just like any other month, sometimes good, bad, great or terrible; but because of all the messaging sometimed we think that they have to all be wonderful and we are doing it ‘wrong’ if it isn’t which can make a ‘bad’ December feel worse. So if it is helpful you have the blessing of a random internet stranger to have a dismissal December. (Not that I want that for you, but sometimes things just s_ck and trying to pretend they don’t only makes it worse .)

  42. The Dogman*

    Space facts: Did you know that we (humanity in general, astrophysicists in particular) have discovered a star heading out of our galaxy at 3,930,000 mph (1,755 km/s) !!!!

    The speed of light in a vacuum is 670,616,629 mph (299792 km/s)…

    Which about half a percent of the speed of light!!!

    It is most likely a part of a binary system that passed too close to the Sagittarius A* (our galaxies central supermassive black hole, itself a fascinating spatial object), one star was sucked in, and much like a cut string on a spinning object this star was flung off into the intergalactic darkness… which is a bit of a depressing thought in some ways… how many wandering stars are intergalactic, and how many rogue planets are interstellar I wonder?

    As a comparison our star Sol is plodding around the galactic core at a pedestrian 250 km/s…

    Search S5-HVS1 for that super fast star!

    I also read recently about a Gamma Ray Burst event that put out enough power (assuming we could convert it all at 100% efficiency into electricity and store it indefinitely) to power the whole world for something in the region of 13.5 octillion years. And octillion is a 1 followed by 27 zeros.

    Search GRB 080916C for that one

    And final fact from me today: If you were to take the other major planets of the solar system and place them between the Earth and the Moon (and turned off gravity too) the could all fit in the gap and there would be nearly 7000 km of space left! I think that is a pretty cool way to get a grasp of how far the Moon really is… it is pretty far! Jupiter and Saturn are massive, Neptune and Uranus are not exactly tiddlers either! ;)

    So feel free to add space facts I love them, even if they make us all very insignificant in some ways!

    1. Generic Name*

      Cooool! I love science facts. I don’t have any remotely as interesting as these, unfortunately.

      1. The Dogman*

        No worries, I find them by browsing wiki “lists of things” sort of pages, I think the wandering star was in the list of stellar extremes (being one of the fastest stars in this case), there is all sorts of fascinating stuff on wiki!

    2. retrowaveRecluse (they/them)*

      I would like to offer to adopt this speedy!Orphan should they ever end up coming back. I know Nothing about intergalactic wanderers or interstellar orphan planets but that ignorance is cultivated self-care. I cry Enough about space robots. I’m very Grateful for the opening comment though!

      1. The Dogman*

        Oh dear, I hope you are not too sad about that star and it’s fellow intergalactic wanderers… I get ridiculously attached to some inanimate things I have nothing to do with too so I think I know how you feel! :)

        1. retrowaveRecluse (they/them)*

          Looking at the amount of unnecessary caps above I obviously had some feelings going on, oops! Animist emotions going haywire in public. I will be going on a careful jaunt through that wiki list of stellar extremes later I’m sure, it’s truly fascinating what sort of oddballs exist out there.

    3. Elizabeth West*

      I knew that last one!

      When I was in college the second time, I had to take a science class and the instructor was an amateur astronomer. He had a pretty good telescope. One night he took us out in the dark far from town and we looked at the moon, a binary star system (I don’t know which pair it was), and Jupiter. You could see the stripes. It was so freaking cool.

      One item on my bucket list is looking at stuff through a giant observatory telescope. If I could math, I might have studied astronomy.

      1. The Dogman*

        Ahh cool, you are the first person I have met (virtually or in reality) that knew that one!

        With a decent (small home use type) telescope you can get some spectacular images from even light polluted city back gardens these days using a laptop to “stack” images and get rid of the light pollution captured. So even without doing the maths you can be an astronomer from the comfort of your own garden or window!

        You can buy really great scopes for under £250 for starter astronomers!

    4. allathian*

      The ExoMars Trace Gas Orbiter, launched in 2016 as a joint mission between the European Space Agency and Roscosmos, detected the water in Valles Marineris on Mars. This canyon system is 10 times longer, five times deeper and 20 times wider than the Grand Canyon.

      In some parts of the canyon system, there’s enough water in the soil that it resembles the permafrost that you get in places like Siberia.

      I’ll post a link to a CNN article below.

    5. Morning reader*

      I don’t know any unusual space facts, but, I’m happy that 1) the moon is full right now! Even though I can’t see her; 2) solstice is almost here, 3) Webb telescope is going up and who knows what will be discovered?

      1. The Dogman*

        That’s OK, no need for facts, just enjoying the moon is very cool…

        I too am looking forwards to the Webb scope, but I feel we need many more simple low Earth orbit ones too, Hubble is still doing great science for us, and if the James Webb goes wrong there is no getting to it to fix it right now, which I think is a shame, and possibly a massive waste of time, effort and money.

    6. Square Root of Minus One*

      Interesting :) I have a couple that may not be that well-known:
      Uranus lies on its side: its rotation axis is almost within the plane of the solar system, instead of orthogonal. Imagine having the North Pole in South America, the South Pole in South East Asia, you’d be close.
      Also, Venus has a rotation in the opposite direction than every other planet in the solar system.

    7. Public Sector Manager*

      What blows my mind is how long it takes to see something. Neil Degrasse Tyson was saying that if you stand face to face with someone, you’re observing that they did 3 nanoseconds ago. Extend that out, when Hubble was viewing GN-Z11, that’s 13.4 billion light years away, so we’re looking at GN-Z11 has it looked 13.4 billion years ago, about 400 million years after the Big Bang, not as it looks now. Someone asked Neil Degrasse Tyson about life on other planets coming to Earth. He said until space travel is developed, if there is life on other planets, they will never know we’re here because if they can see Earth as a developed planet, they can’t see us. So if someone is 170 million light years away, they don’t see Earth 2021, they see the Jurassic period.

      1. Public Sector Manager*

        Said another way, if the sun imploded right this second, we wouldn’t know for another 8.3 minutes

  43. GF rice free flour replacers*

    Does anyone have good recipes for gluten-free flour replacer that does not include rice? My GF kid is not tolerating rice flours, and is facing a sad Christmas with no baked goods. the 1-for-1 or cup-for-cup seem to rely heavily on rice flours.

    1. Not A Manager*

      Google “passover baking.” You should find a number of recipes that happen to also be gluten-free. Due to weird dietary laws, in the past *most* passover recipes would also have omitted any rice.

      In general, I’ve had good luck substituting almond flour for wheat flour in certain kinds of baking – mostly where a little bit of flour provides bulk and structure. If you find a recipe you like, such as chocolate brownies or yellow cake, try googling that dish with “flourless almond” and see if you find similar recipes that are gluten free.

      Also take a look at recipes that are based on meringue. There are a lot of baked meringues that have some nuts folded in that are very good.

    2. BRR*

      I think it’s going to be tough to find one without rice flour. While not directly answering your question, Alice Mediech’s Gluten-Free Flavor Flours has chapters that feature specific types of gf flour. I’m not sure how many of the recipes from the non-rice chapters still have have rice flour but it may have a lot of options.

      To give your kiddo one option, search Dorie Greenspan world peace cookie and replace the flour with half teff flour and half tapioca starch/flour. I’ve made these several times the gf free and they’re amazing.

    3. Purt’s Peas*

      I highly recommend Stella Parks’ Bravetart. She doesn’t have just the one flour replacer, but many of the recipes have a specific blend for a gluten free version—just opened to her carrot cake and its GF version uses 10.5oz almond flour, 5oz cornstarch, and 4oz coconut flour.

    4. Falling Diphthong*

      From Smitten Kitchen:
      Salted peanut butter cookies (I have happily served these to people who have no allergies, but they happen to be dairy and gluten free)

      Pavlova (a couple of variations, and I’m sure you can find it elsewhere)

      She has some gluten free chocolate financiers made with almonds, which I haven’t tried but can vouch for the source.

    5. cleo*

      I have a few ideas for you. I’ve been GF for 20 years.

      Look for traditional dessert recipes that are naturally gluten free. There are quite a few of them – they tend to use a lot of eggs and butter and sometimes nut flours. Things like meringues, flans, mousses, chocolate torts, thumbprint cookies and macaroons. There’s also an Hungarian flourless hazelnut cake that my family loves.

      My favorite of these for the holidays are Zimtsterne (German Cinnamon Star Cookies). They are an intermediate skill level cookie – you basically make a meringue, add a lot of powered sugar and almond meal and then roll out the dough and cut out shapes with cookie cutters. They are messy and fiddley to make (my notes include a comment that yes, the dough is supposed to look like cement after you add the sugar) but they are delicious. Traditionally they’re supposed to be star shaped but I love using all of my Christmas cookie cutters.

      In general, baked goods that are naturally moist or naturally crumbly tend to do better GF. GF Brownies tend to work well because of the moisture. GF shortbread works pretty well because it’s supposed to have a crumbly texture.

      For substituting GF flour in regular recipes:

      Bob’s Red Mill’s Gluten Free All Purpose Baking Flour mix doesn’t have rice flour. I’ve had mixed results with it – it contains bean flour and I thought the bean flavor was noticeable in some recipes. I bet it’d work well for brownies. Not to be confused with their 1 to 1 GF mix, which does have rice flour.

      I just pulled out my dogged eared copy of The Gluten-Free Gourmet Cooks Fast and Healthy by Bette Hagman. It’s an older book (pub 2000) so I’m not sure if it’s still in publication. Here’re her principles of substitution. For each cup of wheat flour in a recipe, substitute one of the following:
      1 scant cup of bean flour mix (1 part light or dark bean flour: 1 part corn starch: 1 part tapioca flour)
      5/8 C potato starch flour
      1 C soy flour + 1/4 C potato starch flour
      1 C corn flour

      Good luck!!!

    6. Imtheone*

      You can make old-fashioned cornbread with just corn flour. Also oatmeal cookies with just oat flour. We’ve also had success substituting potato flour for rice flour.

    7. I heart Paul Buchman*

      I highly recommend black bean brownies :)

      I like millet flour mixed with sorghum flour and tapioca starch.

    8. Charlotte Lucas*

      I have a someone with celiac on my cookie list. I never use GF flour but only use naturally GF recipes for him, so I can’t help there. But I know there are a ton of recipes for GF baking mix, so some probably don’t use rice flour.

      I do make Mark Bittman’s GF brownies. They are flourless, & really fantastic. Same principle as a flourless chocolate cake.

    9. Observer*

      I’ve seen buckwheat flour. I haven’t used it so I don’t know how well it works.

      Potato starch is interesting. You need to learn to work with it – it can lead to very heavy cakes. Same for soy flour.

      1. Charlotte Lucas*

        Buckwheat has a really strong flavor. The flour is used in specific traditional recipes, but I wouldn’t use it as a substitute for regular white flour. (It makes really hardy tasty pancakes.)

        I love chickpea flour (gram) in savory recipes.

        My philosophy with GF baking is that anything I make GF should be as good as or better than the version with gluten.

        There are some traditional cakes that used ground almonds or other nuts in place of flour. They tend to be dense but oh so decadent!

  44. Pay No Attention To The Man Behind The Curtain*

    Sort of an idle question: have your preferences for type/style/design of face mask changed over the last 2 years? I’m not asking mask yes/no or N95 medical-grade vs. Not…just fashion of mask I guess. In early 2020 I bought a variety of cloth masks in different styles — pleated, fitted, with nose wire and without, different colors/patterns, hand-made, store bought…– they all fulfilled CDC guidelines as they were issued, but I was definitely trying to still be fun or upbeat, match outfits, and have personality in my masks. I have a whole drawer full now. And I only really wear about 5 black ones over and over (washed between of course). What are others’ thoughts or experiences now?

    1. Mask fashion*

      Yes. I was just noticing this in my masks, too. Maybe I’m not feeling as upbeat, matching, or fun about my masks anymore. I’m wearing functional black like you. Black goes with everything, is dressy and appropriately somber.

    2. The Dude Abides*

      I received a batch of masks from work, and have some athletic team masks my partner found at our local farmer’s market.

      I don’t really have a rhyme or reason to what mask I wear, I just grab one from the coat closet as I go to leave.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      It’s funny you should say that about black masks.

      I bought a bunch of white ones. Eh, they were cheap and accessible at that time. If I had to do it again, I would definitely go with black.

      Once in a while I see people where a great big toothy grin or something else. They make me smile, I like it. But not for myself. It’s a “me” thing because I really do enjoy seeing some of the masks available now.

    4. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I’ve found I actually prefer disposable surgical masks to any of the styles of cloth ones.

      1. RagingADHD*

        I have never been able to get used to the smell of disposable masks. Of course, I’ll wear one in a pinch but the best part to me of a cloth mask is that it doesn’t have that plasticy smell.

    5. Person from the Resume*

      I purchased some black KN95 masks a few months back and they’re my go to now. So sort of stopped the fashion masks.

      I still have 3 other styles of masks that fit well and I believe do a good job that I use occasionally. One type is great for shoving in a pocket or folding up because it doesn’t have a nose piece. They’re all colorful and bright.

      I guess I do have a couple Mardi Gras masks that I’ll pull out again come King’s Day, but I did have a thought about not having a Christmas themed mask recently and just shrugged. I’m done with matching masks for anything. It’s no longer novel but I expect to be wearing masks in public for years to come now.

    6. Dark Macadamia*

      I made pleated fabric masks and I’ve been happy with them. Most of them are floral prints so I recently made a solid-colored one that looks good with most of my sweaters as a less cutesy option. I also have Halloween and Christmas ones that I had really hoped I wouldn’t need this year, sigh

    7. Generic Name*

      I started out with homemade cloth ones, and now I wear commercially made cloth ones. I wear glasses and have a small face, and the surgical ones just don’t work in my face.

    8. Falling Diphthong*

      I bought some art-y ones I really liked aesthetically early on, but have settled in to Halyard brand disposable masks as the best combination of not pulling on my ears, not fogging up my glasses, and being fairly breathable.

      This is the type I am given whenever I have a hospital-adjacent medical appointment, so I’d tried them out and figured they were endorsed by medical personnel.

    9. RagingADHD*

      Yes, I sew and made many different styles. For a long time I prefered a trapezoidal shape without pleats or a nose wire, and straps around the back of the head.

      Lately I am preferring the ones that were patterned directly off a disposable surgical mask, with pleats, nose wire, and ear loops. They don’t gap on the sides like a disposable, because the ear loops are drawstrings and hold it flush to my face.

      I started using my daughter’s worn out ballet tights as ear loops back when you couldn’t get elastic anywhere, and now I really prefer them because they are so soft.

      2. Pay No Attention To The Man Behind The Curtain*

        I sewed a few masks early on and used hair tie elastics because they were plentiful and cheap. They worked well as ear loops but definitely were rough on the back of my ears after a few hours. Hadn’t even considered tights or similar stretchy fabrics.

        1. RagingADHD*

          The proper dance tights are just right because they are denser and more lycra-y than fashion tights, so they don’t get stretched out.

    10. KR*

      My husband recently got some black ones with a wire nose piece that fit my face really well. Just plain black cloth. I think he got them at a gas station. I had some sewn cloth ones with a wire nose piece that I love but the elastic looses its stretch in a couple days and then I have to switch them out until I can wash them. And the nose pieces have broken on some of them. So all in all they aren’t that secure to my face anymore.

      I have a small face and am generally a small person, so it’s hard to find masks that fit correctly. Looking forward to some suggestions.

    11. The Dogman*

      I still go for my space masks… I have a few with nebula photos from deep space astronomy on them which I prefer really.

      I love space…

    12. the cat's ass*

      I ordered a bunch off Etsy-pleated, 2 ply, adjustable, nosewire, and a large slot for my N95 mask for another layer of protection! They are made of thicker quilting cotton and i have a dozen of them that i wash and air dry and then iron. They are mostly in shades of blue and subtle patterns and one holiday mask.

    13. Mimmy*

      I rotate between a gray cloth mask with adjustable ear loops and a mask with two adjustable straps that go behind the head. I wear behind-the-ear hearing aids, so that one is particularly helpful at the place-we-don’t-discuss-on-weekends because I’m constantly having to take the mask on and off (we have to wear a mask at all times except in our own office or when eating). It has a nose wire, however, so that can be a bit uncomfortable and hard to fold up. I love it though because it has lots of little “I love you” graphics in Braille and sign language.

      Like KR above, I have a small face and find many masks that look rather large on me, include the two described above. However, they do the job.

    14. Nancy*

      No, it took forever to find ones that fit my small face, were soft enough for my sensitive skin, and didn’t fog my glasses too much. I stick with these and since I plan to stop wearing them once they are no longer mandated, I am done spending money on them. Personally, I hate black ones, they look extra creepy to me and since I live alone there have been times when I didn’t see anyone without a mask.

  45. Person from the Resume*

    I’m hosting a party tomorrow that based on the forecast, I’ll be able to hold outside. It’ll be a bit chilly (50s) but no rain. The plan was always to hold it outside but I still used it as motivation to deep clean my house. Crazy deep clean. No guest will ever notice that I cleaned my oven or my base boards, although, it may have been possible that they’d notice how dusty my base boards were because they were extremely dusty. And similar stuff. I clean up actual messes but I find it easy to live with a slow accumulation of dust and dirt especially in the corners, nooks and crannies.

    Only problem is that I’ve run out of time I’d meant to have a few more Christmas lights up in time for the party, but I know I’ve done this cleaning and at this moment it brings me joy to notice something that’s cleaner than before. I didn’t clean the whole house but hope to use some of the my holiday time off to do a bit more. I don’t know if I can do it without the motivation of guests for my private rooms. But I hope to at least the living room because I hope I can have indoor guests again at some point in the future.

    1. Might Be Spam*

      Having company always gives me needed motivation to clean. My son is visiting for the first time in two years. Yay! I was deep cleaning all week and realized how much I let things slide. Now I’m starting to reorganize everything.

  46. Lady Danbury*

    Any suggestions for fully/partially make ahead vegetable side dishes (not potatoes/sweet potatoes) or easy ways to cook them? I’m looking for healthy side dishes that don’t require a bunch of last minute prep, whether it’s completely made ahead, parboiled, prepped, crock pot, etc. Thanks!

    1. Purt’s Peas*

      Some good stuff I’ve had, just in a list, if any appeals I can certainly expand —

      -Grilled/high-temperature-roasted veggies served cold/room temp with Green Goddess dressing
      -Bok choy or kale salads, maybe with some fennel or jicama in there (dressing won’t murder the leaves like it murders delicate lettuce)
      -Some form of ratatouille (slow reheat in the oven)
      -Roasted veggies with a salsa—chopped herbs, tomatoes, nuts
      -Green beans almondine(?) — at least what it’s called in my family. Dressing made ahead of white wine, tons of Dijon, finely chopped shallots, salt & pep; right before eating is best but night before is ok, toast some slivered almonds until aromatic; green beans are microwaved (not over microwaved!!) frozen ones
      -Bon Appetit’s broccoli Caesar salad
      -Chickpeas roasted til crispy with caramelized onions cooked w rosemary. Really good with some plain yogurt, or yogurt+lemon on top

      1. Purt’s Peas*

        Another absolute banger is peas (frozen) tossed with lemon juice, olive oil, chopped herbs, chopped pistachios—the make-ahead trick is to prewash & dry your herbs so you can just chop the hell out of them when the peas are ready. Use a ton of herbs, cilantro, mint, parsley etc.

        Roasted zucchini, cut in long flat slices (I would say substantial ones) and roast until kinda soft. Then refrigerate and day of, top with some parm and red pepper flakes, broil until the parm looks nice and zucchini is hot again.

        Moosewood has a really nice tomato and artichoke heart salad that’s really sturdy and would last the night (the tomatoes wouldn’t be amazing day 2 but they’re not really the star).

    3. Falling Diphthong*

      Roasted vegetables are very forgiving and can be served at room temperature.
      • Asparagus and broccoli: Toss with a little olive oil, roast for 15 minutesish, stir and cook another 10. Also carrots.
      • You can do this with a head of cauliflower (cook 45-60 minutes), or with florets.
      • I really like roast beets–the yellow ones that don’t stain your hands. Wrap in foil and bake 45-60 min. Rub off the skin and chop. They don’t need anything else.

      Parboiled: Asparagus or green beans. Add a little miso butter (mix 1 tsp good quality miso with 1 tsp butter) or sprinkle with ume plum vinegar.

      1. mreasy*

        Agreed – and you can do a little extra yourself by salting and massaging it before dressing. I like lemon, Aleppo pepper, and olive oil on my kale salad but it’s quite sharp – adding tahini in to the dressing can help.

  47. Future Cat Lady*

    I got a $75 gift card to Amazon from work, and I have no idea what to spend it on. If I think of work clothes and a new work bag large enough to fit my 9×12 planner, I think I want to spend it on something fun. If I think of spending it on something fun, I think of books I would like to read and then I’m like what if I don’t like them? I shouldn’t be making this a life-changing decision. Any good books you’ve read?
    Also, I am kind of bummed I’m not being adopted by my friend’s family this year for Christmas. They’re going skiing instead. Chances are good they could change their minds and stay home and I will be seeing my friend on Thursday anyway, but they have this awesome breakfast tradition I’m going to miss and really can’t replicate.

    1. Future Cat Lady*

      Also, has anyone else finished classes for the year? I’m floored I am halfway through my grad school degree and keep refreshing the dashboard on my class websites waiting for the final grades to come in!

      1. Middle School Teacher*

        I’m also halfway through my masters and I’m both relieved and dreading the rest. I just keep telling myself it’s all downhill from here.

        For Amazon, when I get gift cards I like to split between fun and need. My last one went to a new webcam and some new heat registers.

    2. Wordnerd*

      Have you heard of Rocketbooks? I got one for my brother for Christmas last year and we’ve all started using them. They’re productivity-adjacent but also the novelty might make you feel like it’s fun! Plus you can get one for $35-$50 and could spend the rest on something really really fun!

      1. Future Cat Lady*

        No yarn for fear of Current Cat eating it. :) I have in the past used the card for cat things. Maybe I’ll look into that again. Thanks!

  48. I miss flavor*

    (I promise this is a food question, not a medical advice question)
    I have always liked spicy food, but in the last 2-3 years it makes my skin go really red and gives me a bad headache.
    Allergy testing turned up nothing. Doctor recommended taking a year off from spicy foods as a reset. I did.
    And it didn’t go away.
    And when I say I can’t handle spiciness, I can’t handle ANYTHING. Canned green chilies – the mild kind – have been a problem. Arby’s curly fries with no sauce were a problem. I wouldn’t even consider those things spicy!
    I am so over bland food. I really need more flavor in my life, but I cannot tolerate the least bit of heat and I don’t love garlic.
    I would love ideas for some ways to add some really good flavors in my cooking.
    For example, I cannot dip tortilla chips in salsa any more (and that used to be my go-to snack!) but hummus and/or guacamole are not cutting it for me any more. What can I do? A more flavorful dip idea? Or something to add to hummus to make it less bland/pasty? I’ve tried green olives and that was okay but I’d like more options.
    Same with things like chicken wings, sandwiches, stir fries, etc. I used to love to add a few peppers to salads and pastas.
    I miss Indian food so very much.
    I miss flavor!
    Help!

    1. Not A Manager*

      That sucks. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’d suggest other flavor bombs.

      Salty/sour: Capers, chopped cornichons, marinated artichoke hearts, marinated mushrooms.

      Sour/tangy: Citrus juice, ponzu, sour cream, yogurt, buttermilk, dill pickles, sauerkraut.

      Umami: Dried mushrooms (reconstituted and used as an ingredient), sun-dried tomatoes, anchovy fillets (mash up one or two and add to the base of your sauce or stew at the same time that you’re sautéing your onions and carrots), tomato paste, red wine, soy sauce.

      Fresh chopped herbs. If you look at some of the recent Middle Eastern cookbooks and celebrity chefs, they use vastly more chopped herbs than people used to do in the U.S.

    2. Pay No Attention To The Man Behind The Curtain*

      Are vinegars and onions ok? You could top hummus with finely chopped red/purple or green onion along with the olives for an added kick. Pickled veggies with cilantro or other fresh herbs as a tapenade on toasted bread instead of salsa and chips. Flavored vinegars you could mix with nice olive oil for a dipping sauce or dressing. Add strongly-flavored foods like tuna, sardines or pungent cheeses — blue cheese, feta…

    3. Purt’s Peas*

      What about going hard on umami flavors? Nutritional yeast, MSG, parmesan, soy sauce are good sources, and of course intensely browned meats and roasted food.

      Do black pepper or sichuan peppercorns trigger the response? Those might be ways to get a fix.

      Zaatar is a great way to punch up hummus but you might have to look for a mix without the problematic spices.

      1. I miss flavor*

        I haven’t had a problem with black pepper, but I don’t like it to dominate a dish. I have heard about nutritional yeast, but haven’t ever used it. How would you use it?

        2. Purt’s Peas*

          My mom makes a really good veggie dip with black pepper as one of the stars of the show—it’s equal sour cream & mayo, some lemon juice or vinegar, and tons of parmesan and freshly ground black pepper.

          A good hot & sour soup might hit the spot for you if it’d wouldn’t trigger your reaction—doesn’t usually have chili peppers, but would have white pepper or sichuan pepper.

          For nutritional yeast, it comes in large dry flakes. I like it best as a flavor dust ingredient, ie crushed up with onion powder and other spices, on top of popcorn. But you can mix it into dips like you would parmesan.

          It’s also part of a really good dip called Bi—in’ sauce; there’s a copycat recipe on The Faux Martha.

          Another idea is just to mix some jarred pesto into your hummus. A little flavor variety but still good hummus :)

        3. Katie*

          Nutritional yeast is good on popcorn, and in oatmeal with tamari/soy sauce and butter for a savory breakfast.

    5. Anono-me*

      I’ve found cooking with alcohol can really intensify flavors. Red wine in pot roast or stew. Chicken poached in white wine. (Brown the meat in butter a d deglaze the pan first.) Berries simmered with a little bit of brandy and honey.

      You also might want to look at older (pre 1950s) recipes from the upper midwest of USA, especially community cookbooks. Cooking in that time and region did not use many ‘heat’ type spices. You might find some recipes you like and can use.

    6. The teapots are on fire*

      Chopped tomatoes and mangoes for salsa. If you can have onion, great, but it’s okay without.

    7. Chaordic One*

      Target stores’ Good and Gather line of hummus comes in a variety of flavors and I really enjoy them. You might want to try dijon mustard and wasabi. Lemon and/or lime juice. Worcester sauce. Mayonnaise and aioli. Salad dressing and marinades. Liquid aminos. There are a variety of spices you could try, but I’m lazy and I sprinkle various varieties of Mrs. Dash on all sorts of things.

    8. Daily reader, rare commenter*

      When you say spicy, do you mean heat, as in chilli peppers? Or spices in general? If it’s the former, then you have a boatload of options if you like Indian food.

    9. sswj*

      Does horseradish set you off? Or wasabi, if you can get the real kind? I can’t stand chili heat (no medical effects, I just have a very low tolerance for that kind of heat) but horseradish, onions, regular radishes, black pepper are all sensitive-mouth approved.

    10. Katrianah*

      My two favourite flavours for hummus: Pesto, and Lemon or Lime and Coriander/Cilantro (obviously pass on that if you have the soap gene…).

      Pesto I generally advise to start with a small amount mixed in and then adjust to taste, it can quickly overpower. Lemon and Coriander you can usually find premixed but again you can start by adding just a little and go from there to taste!

      Ooh, adding various seeds can also help break up the “pasty” sensation too.

    11. Batgirl*

      If it’s cayenne that’s your problem, I find you can usually make copycats of things using a paprika/cumin combo instead. Paprika is made from sweet peppers and cumin from the parsley family. I have a partner who can’t tolerate even tiny amounts of chili or cayenne, but we can do enchiladas or fajitas or potato wedges with these spices instead. Stocks are also a good idea. Whenever I’ve taken the time to make a recipe with proper vegetable stock or fish etc it’s been incredible. Like the umami taste you get at a great noodle bar.

  49. Beth T.*

    Removed because this is the non-work thread. Regulars who hopefully know the rules, please don’t leave answers to work questions on the weekend thread; it creates more work for me to remove a bunch of replies.

  50. Dreaming of travel*

    Has anyone become conversant in another language as an adult? What worked for you?

    I would love to be able to go to Europe and be able to carry on/understand a basic conversation in German or Spanish or Italian etc. I really don’t care about reading it. Nothing too ambitious, but to be able to exchange some conversation with the waiter or taxi driver would be helpful.

    I studied French for 8 years in school and can still mostly read it and can string together a sentence verbally but understanding someone speaking at a normal speed? Nope. After 8 years! Yeesh.

    I’ve tried Duo Lingo but while it helps with reading, it doesn’t do much for speaking. (Although usually one of their weird “My penguin loves to bake” sentences sticks in my head). I’ve had the most success with the podcast “Coffee Break” but while I can parrot back the phrases in my car and can basically understand the sample dialogues, once I’m around actual people my stress kicks in and it all kind of falls apart. I’ve also tried listening to tv shows in other languages but that’s waaaaayyy beyond my comprehension abilities.

    2. Tayto*

      It’s kind of like swimming. The only way to learn to converse is to converse. But you don’t have to start on the street! If you’re taking a class and their methodology is any good you’ll get a ton of opportunities to speak with your classmates. If a class doesn’t work for you, then finding a good speaking partner might. This can be a native speaker looking to do an exchange or a fellow learner with the same goals as you. Don’t get hung up on not making mistakes and don’t get hung up on knowing the exact vocabulary. Just try to talk on a topic and understand each other.

      I’ve found that learning to converse in a class setting as an adult is easier than as a kid/teen because 1. You have a better idea what you want your learning outcome to be (i.e. you want to learn to converse, not to get a good mark on a test or just get this stupid speaking exercise over with) and 2. You are generally a lot less self-conscious.

      DuoLingo and the like have their uses, but you’ll never functionally learn a language on them. Fifteen minutes speaking the language, even haltingly, with another person is worth more than hours on DuoLingo.

      1. Tayto*

        Oh, and also don’t stop watching movies and the like in the language you want to learn! You might feel like you haven’t improved your listening comprehension at all, but you certainly have!

        One way to improve this faster is to set yourself a task, though. Like, if it’s a television show make a prediction about what is going to happen in this episode and see if your prediction is accurate. Or during a conversation pause in the middle and predict what the character might say next. If you’re listening to the news try to see if you can get the answers to all five W questions on one of the stories, and so on. Having a task helps you focus on the language you need, because otherwise it all becomes a blur!

      2. Flower necklace*

        I agree with this. When I was in college, I learned Japanese by speaking with my classmates and attending a meetup once a week. Now I’m learning Spanish and I advance more when I use it with my students, even though I often have to look up words on Google Translate in the midst of a conversation or throw in English words.

        I also worked on my listening skills over the summer by listening to a children’s audiobook in Spanish (the Boxcar Children). I started off by slowing down the narration and then sped it up after I started understanding it.

      3. Mary S*

        Yeah, it really takes practice. There is now private tutoring available online via Skype, etc, which makes it even easier: iTalki, LiveLingua.

        I was doing really well for a while when I was watching TV or reading kids’ books in Spanish every night, plus once a week tutoring. The immersion from the TV/books helped me pick up on how to say things in a Spanish way rather than literally translate English to Spanish. I kept a notebook of new words I learned and wrote sentences using them to learn their meanings (using WordReference rather than Google Translate).

        I’m taking a break now, but when I get back to it, my goal in 2022 is to continue all this, plus find more language partners to practice with and go to cultural events / restaurants / stores where people will mostly be speaking Spanish, to practice with people who are not being paid to listen patiently to me. And if it’s safe, go on vacation to a Spanish-speaking country…

    3. yet another screw up*

      immersion is your friend. Find someone willing to have conversations in desired languages. then have weekly conversations about a topic. Example – your grandmother. So, for this you would prepare a list of questions you could ask the other person. That forces you to study the vocab (tall/short/etc), what colours did she wear? what did she cook? what were her favourite vegetables/flowers etc. So, as you prepare for asking the questions, you also have to think about answers, and study extra words for various possibilites – all the colours, veggies etc. And, of course, you’d prepare the same for your own grandmother (if you don’t have/don’t like one, make an imaginary one up). it will take a lot of studying, but it will stick more because you have a purpose. It sticks more than passive forms of learning because you have to be so actively engaged.

      1. Dreaming of travel*

        My grandparents’ generation is gone (and only spoke English) but I should ask some local college professors if there are any language get- togethers…

        1. yet another screw up*

          Oh, I explained it badly! You don’t talk *to* your grandmother, you talk *about* them (or a made-up version). The idea is that for each time you meet someone to talk, it’s not random idle chat, you have a specific topic to talk about. Then you’re forced to think of questions to ask the other person, and forced to think of answers ahead of time. That way you’re studying vocab with a purpose, instead of just memorizing words. Then the following week it can be something else- favorite childhood books, or something.

    4. Luisa in Dallas*

      “My penguin loves to bake” cracked me up! Years ago, my mother attempted to learn Spanish using my old high school text book. She got as far as Chapter 1. Surprisingly, she was never able to get much use out of the only sentence that stuck in her mind – “El burro es un animal.”

      As for advice, the book Fluent Forever by Gabriel Wyner has some really good ideas for language learning that seem to be based on modern ideas about how we learn best. I plan to use his ideas to re-learn Spanish. I was fairly fluent at one time (after 5 years of high school and college classes and a year of living in Mexico City), but that was 50 years ago! I don’t have any natural talent with languages, but I think Wyner’s methods will work.

    5. Not A Manager*

      Try “news in slow [language].” You can choose your speed and then ramp up as your comprehension improves.

    6. GermanGirl*

      Watch French movies/TV/YouTube with French subtitles.

      I like Easy French on YouTube for real on the street conversational French.

    1. I miss flavor*

      Is there, though? All the stores I’ve been in this week have had plenty. The only place I’ve heard about it is when people are talking about the “we will pay you not to make cheesecake” promotion, so I wonder if it’s a ploy to try and get people to go stock up and boost sales.

    2. awesome3*

      I had no idea! I have some in my fridge and just put it on my bagel for dinner. I think my plan is to continue to use that block of cream cheese until it’s gone, and that’s it

    3. I heart Paul Buchman*

      Homemade cream cheese is super simple. I haven’t tried cooking with it but I can’t see why that wouldn’t work. Lots of recipes online with only a couple of basic ingredients and utensils.

    4. the cat's ass*

      I encountered that at my local Trader Joe’s last week, but this week they were once more fully stocked.

  52. Marguerite*

    I recently moved and when I was making my bed, I noticed a huge light brown stain on the mattress. I don’t believe that it was there before moving. Any tips on cleaning it? I’m not sure what it is.

    2. Not A Manager*

      If it doesn’t smell funny or feel sticky, just put a mattress protector on it (the kind that fully covers the whole mattress and zips closed) and then put a mattress pad over that, and then forget about it.

    3. RagingADHD*

      Get a blacklight flashlight. If the stain glows and wasn’t there before, I’d get a new mattress.

      If not, I’d go for the zipper cover thing.

    4. sswj*

      Mattresses stain really easily. Even water will leave a mark, I don’t really know why. I suspect it’s because there’s quite a bit of dust/dander etc that isn’t easily seen, and is just the normal detritus of sheets, blankets, and occupants. When there’s moisture though it attracts and moves all the stuff and, well … makes a stain.

      I have certainly spilled water on the bed (thanks, cats, for the badly timed head-bop!) and then gone a bit overboard in mopping up. It always leaves a mark, even if the actual spill didn’t make it to the mattress.

      A mattress cover is a good purchase!

    5. Still*

      What has worked for me in the past is: spray the stain with a mix of water and vinegar, cover it with baking soda, leave to dry, hoover up the soda once dry.

  53. Hunnybee*

    I would love a suggestion for a bird-safe cat collar for me to get for my neighbor for Christmas? So many online. I would love to hear if any specific kinds work well.

    1. The Dogman*

      A belled collar with a “snap away” safety is a good idea, buy a set of 3 or 4 and the neighbours cat will be letting the birds know in perfect personal safety.

      Good luck, I finally (in the last year) managed to get all the neighbours cats (about 20 visit my garden) to put bells on by sending them home in their new collars with a note “You might notice your cat is wearing a new safety collar with a bell on it. This is to reduce the number of song birds (who I am feeding at some expense, and we all get to enjoy their presence locally) your cat kills and to stop me from having to condition your cat with the hose to leave my birds alone. Cheers!”

      I am moving out of the city in a few months though… so my song birds are going to have to find a new source of food, which is worryng me a lot…

      1. Cambridge Comma*

        Wow, putting collars on other people’s cats would be way outside social norms where I live. I agree that domestic cats are a problem but I don’t think that solution would go down well in a lot of places. It must be very culturally different where you are.

        1. Dino*

          This would be outside the norm in my area too, but I kinda love it. Part of having an outdoor cat means worrying about the things they get up to, and if I knew my cat was driving the songbird lover down the road crazy I’d be grateful for them finding a solution. (My current cat is indoor only, but I’ve had indoor/outdoor cats in the past).

  54. Christmas cookie*

    Gift ideas needed:

    Are you a male in your late 30s/early 40s (with kids, if it matters)? What are great gifts for you under $100? Imagine you have money to buy whatever misc item you want- what are fun things people have gotten you? He works from home and has a zillion hobbies, none of which I should buy stuff for.

    Already bought: new slippers, hydro flask and silly stickers, silly winter hat.

    1. No Name Yet*

      I am not a male in that age range, but what about funny socks that either speak to a part of his personality he feels good about (e.g., funny, grammar nerd), or relates to one of his hobbies? If he’s someone who doesn’t splurge on himself, what about a gift card to a place where he could get hobby-related material? (Can also be good even if he does splurge, but to me it feels that it might seem more like just giving cash.)

    3. The Dogman*

      Mini helicopter that links to a smartphone maybe?

      Home rocketry kit? Water rockets perhaps?

      A set of “racing snails” remote control toys?

    4. Fellow Traveller*

      I am not a male in my late 30/ early 30s but I am married to one and he really liked a food or drink subscription. Like Bacon or beer of the month. Or Graeter’s ice cream.

    5. Dark Macadamia*

      I like browsing Uncommon Goods for ideas – you can shop by category or they have a gift generator where you put in the person’s interests and it’ll suggest things (so like “beer, cats, gardening” or whatever). I don’t necessarily end up buying stuff from there but since they have a wide variety of quirky ideas from decor to food to kits and so on it can help you think beyond your current ideas. Most of it is not exclusive to the site, so if you search the items you like you can sometimes find them on Amazon or direct from the creator/vendor

    6. MissCoco*

      These are my recent wins for my early and mid-30s giftees:
      Books (I love the website Five Books for recommendations on niche topics)
      Tee shirts related to favorite TV shows or movies (or just inside jokes or a favorite animal) – I like redbubble for these
      Good underwear, either thermal or regular
      Really nice gloves
      Drone camera
      Model rocket kit or other things that involve some safe and controlled fire

  55. Grizabella the Glamour Cat*

    You are certainly allowed to have any opinion you like, as are we all. But it’s one thing to say you don’t care for something, and quite another to dismiss something as “rubbish” because you don’t personally enjoy it.

    I have plenty of my own likes and dislikes, but when I know that an author (even one I don’t like) has legions of devoted fans, that tells me that that they are doing or have done something right, even if what they do isn’t MY cup of tea. Take Jane Austen (please note that it’s spelled with an e, not an i), for example. The lady died over 200 years ago, and yet she has fans all over the world to this day, some of whom are quite passionate about her books. I’m a fan of her books myself, which I find to be chock full of dry humor and keen insights about human nature. I know not everyone is going to “get” Austen, but I don’t think you have to “get” her to be able to see that an author who continues to have such a huge impact on tons of people 2 centuries after her death is deserving of at least some grudging respect for what she managed to accomplish in a life that lasted only 41 years, rather than simply dismissing her as “rubbish.”

    Basically, it’s perfectly fine to not like something and say so. However, when you know that something you don’t like is beloved by millions, calling it “rubbish” is not fine; in fact, it’s actually rather rude, imnsho.

    1. Grizabella the Glamour Cat*

      This posted in the wrong place, doggoneite! I’ll repost in the thread where it belongs, but I’m not able to delete this. Sorry!

  56. Curious about autism resources*

    The threads about autism reminded me of something I’ve been thinking about – what are some resources that people assessed as autistic as adults found useful? I was assessed a year ago. While I’ve found it really helpful as a lens to understand why I find certain things difficult, and to be less harsh on myself, I would love to find more resources on strategies and approaches. Most books out there seem to be written to help allistic people understand autistic relatives; does anyone have books/websites/etc that they found useful to help them understand more about themselves and how to better manage themselves?

    1. Susie*

      I’d check out Ask an Autistic by Amethyst Schaber and How to AD/HD. Both are channels on youtube. While you don’t state you have an AD/HD diagnosis, often there are Executive Functioning difficulties that go along with Autism. Both channels were created by people with those diagnoses.

    2. Susie*

      Hey–I tried to reply earlier , but it never posted

      Two recs on youtube:
      Ask an Autistic by Amethys Shraber
      How to AD/HD
      (I know you don’t say you have AD/HD, but there is a lot of overlap in terms of executive function challenges)

      Book: We’re not Broken by Eric Garcia

      Check out Autistic Self Advocacy Organization

      In general, avoid resources with a puzzle piece (Symbol for Autism Speaks) and go after those with the infinity symbol.

  57. Princess Deviant*

    How do you do stop feeling guilty with parents?
    I’ve had years of therapy to deal with my mom, and I’m getting very good I think at putting in my boundaries but omg she’s just been doing to my house this morning and now I just feel wrung out emotionally. Fending off her emotions, so I don’t take them on myself, is exhausting.
    She is complaining that my brother isn’t staying over on Christmas night and that means that he won’t come up at all, (I’m going to hers but I don’t count!), I mean if he’s setting boundaries himself I don’t blame him if he doesn’t actually come up although he will, cos he said he would.
    She has the worst interpretation of everything, comes and dumps it on me, I’m the adult, I don’t rise to the bait, then she leaves, and I’m wiped for the rest of the day.
    I know with my head that it’s not mine to take on, but my heart aches with it all.
    Honestly, does this get better with practise?!
    How do I do it?
    (I’m not going non contact, that’s not right for me. I’ve gone as low contract as possible while maintaining a relationship with her). TIA.

    1. The Dogman*

      That is a tricky one… Perhaps come up with a routine of selfcare/psychology tricks to get you out of the dive you feel post a visit?

      Some people would do a walk, or yoga maybe, something that takes physical effort to reset the brain and take away the immediacy of the emotional labour you have been doing… maybe even use that negative energy to clean your house perhaps? That could be a really beneficial thing for you as you also end up with a nicer place to be after you are done?

      Other than that do you have anyone you could have a chat with about this in person? Sometimes a bit of venting is very healthy for us!

      Good luck, that is a horrible thing to have to deal with, I am sorry you have to put up with that sort of behaviour from your mother.

      1. Princess Deviant*

        Thank you! Recognising that I need to expense the energy physically is something I can do. I usually eat junk food and then sleep but I hate that takes away from my time off and I’m not really looking after my body properly, and I’d like to do something more productive (although, to be clear, I’m not beating myself up for sleeping or eating as coping mechanisms cos sometimes that’s really what I need!).

      2. Anono-me*

        Building on this comment by The Dogman, are there activities you could do with your mother that would give you an outlet and a distraction while also make these prolonged floods of negativity and worry difficult?

        When Mom comes over for a chat, hey let’s go for a walk, play bananagrams, go through and label and organize these old photos from Aunty M’s estate. Or more formally, Mom lets take a water aerobics class, volunteer at the local park or join a book club together.

        TV/Movies are a great way to spend time together without actually interacting. GOT or LOR

    2. Venus*

      For me, it did get better with practice. You are on the right path, with therapy and boundaries that work for you.

    3. Dino*

      I’ve found being blunt helps. “Mom, [Brother] said he would be coming. There is nothing you or I can do about it until he either shows up or doesn’t. You’re stressing me out worrying about this and I’d rather enjoy your company now than fret about the future. How is [insert subject change that she will pounce on]?”

      And if/when she starts again “Mom, like I said I’m all talked out about that. Pick another topic please.”

      And if she keeps going after that? “Well, it’s time for me to rest my eyes for a bit/freshen up/make some phone calls/[any excuse to put physical distance between you for 30 mins at least]”. The point is to not get talked at and put the boundary up, plus recharge so you aren’t as drained later.

      The thing about boundaries: you cannot control what other people do, but you can refuse to be a party to it. Figuring out ways to inform the other person of what you will be doing, vs requesting they change their behavior can be more empowering and less exhausting. Good luck!

    4. comityoferrors*

      It does get better with practice, I think!

      I wonder if it would help to externalize some of this more? You say you feel guilty but not exactly why, and I’m wondering if that feeling is linked to the comment that you “don’t count.” I’ve sometimes felt a strong sense of rejection from my mom when she’s resolved to be negative and mean and petty despite my best efforts. It feels like all the work I’ve done – both internally to heal from a lifetime of stepping into the parent role for her, and externally to maintain our relationship and be a positive and supportive force in her life – means nothing at all to her. It makes me feel ashamed and like I’m failing to live up to some expectation. Don’t know who set that expectation, don’t know why I internalize that feeling so much, but it’s definitely there and it sucks.

      But I’ve come to see that my mom’s negativity isn’t a reflection of me, or of our relationship, or tbh even of reality a lot of the time. Personally, I think it comes from deep-seated fears that she doesn’t know how to process or maybe even acknowledge in herself. Through that, I’ve been able to see her moods with sympathy, but also with detachment. Everything could be perfect in the world, and she could still find a reason to nitpick and blame someone else for her bad mood…so it’s not about me, and my actions can neither prevent nor cause it. Recognizing that, and being mindful and grateful that I’m not in a similar negative headspace (anymore), has made it a lot easier to deal with her when she’s in one of those moods.

      I also had to grapple with feeling guilty for having emotions about how skewed my relationship with her has been. I had to work through that with my therapist, and she helped me see that it’s okay to feel angry for the ways my mom has failed me and still fails me. When I try to share something exciting or important with her and she responds with negativity or doesn’t seem to care about it, it helps to tell myself, “I love her and I understand why she’s like this, but it’s really crappy that she didn’t listen, and my feelings are hurt.” Something about acknowledging those feelings without judgment for myself or her is restorative for me.

      I know I didn’t offer many actionable suggestions, I’m sorry! The key for me was mindfulness and practicing self-compassion/centering my feelings, at least in my own mind.

    5. Generic Name*

      Can you put a time limit in the visits? You don’t have to cut off contact if you don’t want to, but that doesn’t mean you just have to sit there and be your mom’s emotional dumping ground for as many hours as your mom wants to dump on you. Are there certain topics you just don’t want to hear about? You can tell your mom you will listen to her talk about x topic for 10 minutes or not at all. When she crosses the boundary you can hang up or leave. Guilt is often a part of enforcing boundaries, and you just have to live with that feeling sometimes. If your mom gives you guilt trips, she is being manipulative. I’m reading a really good book about boundaries called: Set Boundaries, Find Peace.

      1. Princess Deviant*

        I already do, if you can believe that! I like the sound of that book though, thank you. I was listening to some podcasts, I can’t remember the name, but they were about being a Boundary Boss.

    6. Princess Deviant*

      I want to thank everyone for their kind words and suggestions. I am going to bookmark this and read it again before Friday. I think I’m feeling it more than normal because I’m seeing her more than usual this week and she pushing for even more from me.
      What really struck me was the “Everything could be perfect and she still wouldn’t be happy” comment from comityoferrors.
      My therapist told me the same thing! I’d forgotten so it read good to be reminded.
      I was the perfect daughter and she still criticised me, so if she going to be unhappy anyway then I may as well do what’s right for me!

    7. fposte*

      People have talked about boundary assertion already–are there distraction topics that bait her (in the nicest possible way)? Family history, plans for a new car or cell phone, any hobby? A probing question on a subject of interest can be tough to resist. This does sometimes mean you are keeping a Very Boring Topic aloft but that still sounds more restful.

      1. Princess Deviant*

        Thank you, yes! It’s like a whackamole game. I topic into something bland, she manoeuvres it back to (complaint). I need more bland topics really. House, home, magazines, books, TV, garden. It’s kind of limited.

    8. Not So NewReader*

      Sadly, your actual answer might be to go lower or no contact. Sorry, I know that is not on your list right now but sometimes the very thing I avoid is the very thing I need to do. Every time a situation reduces me to having to get extra rest, reduces my quality of life. I could have spent that time doing something to improve my life or to help others who actually want help. My wise friend taught me to watch how many times this happens and to realize there is a cumulative effect that is detremental to me.

      I do think that us “kids” take on way more with a parent than we do anyone else in life, except perhaps our own kids. We get so attached to our parents even if there is little to no reciprocity.

      Some of my ideas are odd so do what you will, of course.

      1) Say into thin air/ inside your head/whatever: “Mom, I will NOT carry your emotions for you!” I could write a book on just this one. Refuse to wear other people’s upset for them. This is a great life skill to develop. You can use it at work, with friends and neighbors, etc. It’s normal for our emotions to back slide when others around us are really back sliding. Recognize the pitfall. Understand that this more than about mom, it’s something that will help in life, period.

      2) Oddly, in recognizing we are powerless to fix someone, we find our own power. We have to let go in order to receive. This looks like: “Mom, I am sorry the blue color of the sky bothers you, but there is nothing I can do to fix that.” We need to hear ourselves saying out loud, “I can’t fix X.” This takes the whole issue of the blue colored sky right off your plate. You have made it clear you will not be attempting to fix it. This frees you up to do the things you can fix. It also works into bro must handle his relationship with mom. “Mom, you need to talk to bro about that. I can’t help.” It’s not up to you to fix All That Is Wrong.

      3) Just my opinion and just something that has helped me: people let us know how their physical well being is going for them by what they think of to talk about. Hoping from one negative thing to another negative topic sort of telegraphs to me that a health event may be on the horizon. If/when that event does happen, I am saddened but not shocked- I have braced myself to some degree. This forces me to think big picture and not get sucked into the drama of the moment.

      4) As kids we can fall into the habit of mirroring our parents. This means we can make the same damn mistakes that they make. In order to combat this, I started looking at what *I* will do to make sure I do not pick up Parent’s Bad Habit. This involved a few steps and some effort. When I saw the effort involved I realized why Parent was having a hard time.
      My mother used to talk bad about people behind their backs. I decided to be more aware of what I was saying and how I was saying stuff about others, because I realized my mother’s bad habit left her with NO friends. I thought I did not have much of a problem. Maybe I really didn’t on the outside. But I had to work in my “insides” because in some ways I had soaked up her worldview that everyone was out to get her. I had to teach myself to live with a lighter heart and a lighter mind set. In the process of making this move, I learned why her process was so difficult for her. Sometimes the best that can happen is we learn to understand our parents, even though we totally and vehemently disagree with their mindset. And we CAN be a good mom to our own adult selves.

      5) Grief. It’s not just for funerals. Sometimes we can grieve (meaning feel deep sorrow) because of things going on in a family member’s life. I do not believe grief ever goes away entirely. It changes, it becomes less raw and we do gain back our ability to function to some degree but that does not mean the grief has left us entirely. You might benefit from reading books on grief. One of the symptoms of grief is excessive sleeping. Oddly grief can go the other way and we can suffer from very little sleep. Grief does the same double action with eating- it can cause us to eat too little or it can go the other way and we eat too much. I hope I can encourage you that you are facing a great sorrow here (for many reasons) and grief is a totally appropriate response for the magnitude of the situation.

      6) Self-care. One of the ways we tell ourselves that we are of value is by how well we invest in our own well being. I see you have gotten plenty of therapy- bravo!- that is huge. How’s your water intake? Do you go for walks? When was the last time you sat down and ate a salad? Do something daily to take care of you. We send a message to our own selves- “I will not let me drown in Parent’s Problem, I will take small but regular steps to fortify ME.” Just like parents can wear us down with all their Stuff, these small proactive steps can start to buoy us UP. It’s a two way street there. We can put things into ourselves and make a difference in how we are doing. Key part: It’s not an all or nothing thing. Some effort gives us some benefit. We don’t have to do our self-care plan perfectly in order to get benefits.

      FWIW, problems with the parents have probably been some of the hardest issues I have faced in life. Don’t discredit or detract from your own concerns, because you are totally correct. This stuff is fn hard.

    9. Rainy*

      I had a lightbulb moment at 18 that none of their stuff was about me. They were blaming me for it, they projected a lot of it onto me, and they certainly caused me some serious issues due to how they treated me when I was a child, but none of it was about me. That didn’t fix any of it, but it gave me the ability to look at a situation or hear a statement in a conversation and say to myself “this isn’t about me, so I don’t care”. I was VLC and NC alternating for about ten years, and then LC for about ten more, and ultimately they actually kind of got their shit together. There was a lot that went into it–my mother finally got treatment for an autoimmune condition she’d probably had for decades, and that really altered her personality for the better. She also had her own little come to Jesus moment when she looked at her mother and realized that she was heading that way if she didn’t overhaul how she dealt with other people. My parents came back into my life as parents at a time when I had a problem that really needed a solution, and they stepped up and helped us out, and didn’t guilt trip us about it. In fact, they were happy to do it, and said so, and we have really forged a new relationship after that.

      But for me, a necessary part of that was the 20 years I spent away from them. They had to realize that I had the power in the situation and that guilt tripping me just made me withdraw. My sister, who never separated herself from them, has had a much more difficult time. I remember about 15 years ago my mother complaining that I never called or wrote, that she never knew what was going on in my life, and it was unnatural and then in the same breath, with no hint of self-awareness, went on to complain that my sister called daily, was over at their house all the time, and gave her no peace. I think my parents have reached a point where they understand, at least a little, that the shit that happened in my childhood can never be made up for or forgiven, and we just have to move ahead and let our relationship find its adult level.

      1. Princess Deviant*

        I’m so glad that your relationship worked out and I’d better now than before.
        I can only really work on myself, that’s true.
        The bit about your mom not having any insight – I did laugh! Mine is exactly the same.

        2. Rainy*

          I will also say that I’m in my late 40s and it was only a few years ago that my parents got it together enough that it felt safe for me to allow them back into my life. I’ve had friends whose parents have never managed it, and who were as a result actively unsafe for their children to be in contact with. Sometimes it takes time. Sometimes it never happens.

          You really do have to draw a clear line for yourself between the things you can actually change and the things that only your mother can change, and work to stop taking responsibility for her shit. It’s hard, but it definitely makes for a better life if you can do it.

          Bonus: my experience with my parents back in the bad old days has made my process with my in-laws (not nice people at all) much more accelerated than I suspect it otherwise would have been. I spent about two years wanting them to like me and then realized that this was exactly the same shit that I’d been through before, and that their bad behaviour wasn’t mine to fix nor did I have to endure it just because they happen to have spawned my spouse (who is worth 100 of them, frankly–he and his brothers are so lovely I don’t know how people like their parents produced them!).

  58. Potatoes gonna potate*

    Has anyone been able to pinpoint their mattress as causing them back pain? I’ve been sleeping a lot more this week, like 6+ hours but now I’m waking up with lower back pain.

    I bought my mattress 2+ years ago. I don’t remember exactly how much I spent on it, but it wasn’t cheap and I bought an extra-firm one. Any back pain I had at the time I attributed to poor health/mobility, then pregnancy.

    My mobility isn’t as bad anymore. If it is the mattress I’m bummed b/c I thought these things are supposed to last 10-20 years? and I can’t really afford to replace it at this point.

    1. Hornets*

      Mattresses in the US are more like 5-10 years of life, not 10-20. Try sleeping somewhere else for a few days and see if the pain changes. Personally, I would start with a doctor, though.

    2. Glomarization, Esq.*

      Have you ever flipped and rotated it? If not, flip it over and rotate it 180 degrees and see how you feel. Then consider putting a tickler in your calendar to flip and rotate every 6 months or so.

    3. UKDancer*

      Yes. I got about 12 years of out of mine before I kept waking up with a lower back pain which dissipated during the day and I didn’t have at all when I stayed in a hotel while away on business. I replaced it with a slightly better mattress and a new frame and slept significantly better. I think try sleeping somewhere else and see if it’s better.

    5. Just a name*

      Try sleeping with a pillow between your knees before getting a new mattress. I ended up buying a full body pillow that helped me with my lower back. I have a herniated disk and the pillow really helps.

    6. Observer*

      I don’t remember exactly how much I spent on it, but it wasn’t cheap and I bought an extra-firm one.

      That could actually be your problem – for many people extra firm mattress is actually not the best thing for their back. If the mattress is in otherwise good condition, you could look into getting a topper for it that adds some cushioning. That doesn’t have to be too expensive, and it’s a fairly simple way to see if that’s the problem.

      Lots of luck with this – back problems are a real issue and people often don’t realize how debilitating they can be.

    7. CatCat*

      My mattress (firm) was absolutely causing me problems (shoulder blade and neck). I tried all manner of pillows and regularly had massage. I realized it was the mattress when I stayed at a relative’s house for a month and was on a softer mattress. I ended up buying a medium foam mattress to replace my firm spring mattress and it’s been a huge relief.

    8. RagingADHD*

      We got an extra-firm memory foam mattress, and I found that it gave me a new and different back pain, because I am a big gal, and I need my hips (if side sleeping) or my behind (if back sleeping) to sink into the mattress to some extent in order to have my spine properly supported.

      I find that using the right pillow combination helps. If back-sleeping I need a very flat pillow so my head isn’t craned forward. On my side, I hug a firm pillow or put a pillow between my knees to keep me from twisting my back.

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        That’s a good idea I may need to change my pillows. I usually have 2 thick pillows but maybe I should switch that

  59. Spearmint*

    How do you assert and maintain boundaries when you often aren’t aware of what they are in the moment, and only realize what they are after thinking about it?

    Here’s a scenario I find myself in often: my partner or a friend changes or makes plans for us relatively last minute. When asked if I’m ok with the new plans, I usually say “yes” because in the moment I don’t feel strong negative feelings about the plans. My initial gut reaction is always to be agreeable unless I have strong feelings about something. But then hours or days later, after thinking about it for awhile, I realize that I really don’t like the plans and wish I had pushed back. Since I’ve already agreed though, it’s hard to take it back without being rude. So I usually suffer through the thing I agreed to.

    I do have trouble asserting boundaries in general, and I’m working on it, but it’s hardest in cases when I have to figure out what I want in the moment when I don’t have hours or days to mull it over.

    1. Petunia*

      I’ve had a similar problem where someone will invite me to something and I immediately say yes, then hours later I realize I’m not into it.

      What I started doing is waiting to reply and that helps a lot! That way I can decide if I want to do it or perhaps change the day etc. Have you tried that?

    2. Not A Manager*

      Practice saying this phrase. Over-use it for a while even with very low-stakes things so you ge used to saying it. “Hmm, I’m not sure. Let me think about that for a few [minutes, days].” This phrase has been a lifesaver for me.

    3. PollyQ*

      How about tackling it at a higher level? Can you tell your partner that you really don’t like to change or make plans at the last minute, and request that they plan ahead better with you? I think that’s a very fair thing to ask of a partner, and depending on your relationship with your friends, maybe them too. Another thing you might try for changes is to ask why they want to make the change and how it’s better than the original plan. That would at least give you a little time to think about whether you like the new suggestion.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      I have used a “get down in the weeds” approach with stuff like this.

      I use specific examples as my starting point for boundaries. For example, I don’t like going to Sheila and Bob’s because (x, y and z reasons). The last three times I was there I did not have a good time and regretted going.
      So I created a go-to response for each time Sheila and Bob’s came up. This could be “let’s go for an hour and then do Other Thing.” Or it could be “No, I really don’t want to go. I am not into x, y and z.”

      Take away here: x, y and z are no-go’s for me. There! I have created one boundary.

      Move on. Next example. I don’t like going to ABC place (where ABC place is a hangout, group activity or something similar). I don’t relate to the people in that group or perhaps the people there are not friendly at all.
      In this instance I notice that I have been 6 times and each time regretted it. So my go-to becomes, “You can go, I think I will stay here and do Other Thing.”

      Now I have created another boundary. I do not go to places like ABC where I am not comfy with the people. I remain willing to try new places but ABC is a known factor and I have ruled it out as a thing for me.

      This sounds slow and painful- but it really does not take long to build up some rules of thumb for what you do and do not like. And you can be consistent in your responses.

    5. Fellow Traveller*

      My husband is like that (commits impulsively and then regrets) and i’ve gotten used to weighing the options and pulling out of things after committing if I feel like the emotional/mental cost of participating will be greater than the capital gained . I usually say something like, “i’m sorry, this turns out to be more involved than we can handle right now. We’re going to have to catch up with you another time.” And then we follow up with alternative plans. Honestly for us there are very few things that I would consider unbreakable engagements and I find our friends are generally understanding when we decide we can’t do something after all. We don’t back out as much as we used to… I think we’ve gotten better at not committing right away.

    6. Olivia Oil*

      I have this exact problem, and no solution at the moment. And UGH to people changing plans last minute.

      The only solution I have that works in certain contexts is when a friend asks me to do a Thing in the future that I’m not too wild about, I will ask them “Can you give me some time to think about it?” I will use that time to plan an eloquent way to turn down the invite. It does take some conditioning to shift from then immediate people-pleasing instinct to say “Yes” to “Can I think about it?”, but I’ve really liked this solution because it’s a comfortable middle ground between always saying yes and straight up saying “No”, if you aren’t comfortable being direct.

  60. Seeking Second Childhood*

    Great Expectations — a Christmas essay by Carolyn Hax, 2000.
    I found & flagged this a long time ago and it walloped me hard. I ran across it now and it hit me hard.
    https://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/12/15/AR2006121500947_pf.html
    Now off to make a little skin-deep beauty in my house for my kid to get nostalgic over… wreath & poinsettia swag is up. One step at a time…next step a stepladder for some outside lights.

  61. Cookie*

    Late in the weekend, but still taking advice: makeup for my super, super sensitive eyes.

    My eyes react to all makeup, and the reaction is they are red, irritated, sometimes watery. I thought it was just eye makeup remover, but they do this regardless of what kind of remover I use – or if I use none. I’ve been using Boots No. 7 Stay Perfect mascara, because it’s a tubing mascara that doesn’t cost $25 a package, and it washes off with plain water. STILL, my eyes are angry the next day. If I wear eyeshadow, concealer, or even plain old foundation near my eyes, they are even more pink and irritated, and they’ll have nice bags for 2-3 days. Plus I have congenital very dark circles (thanks, Greek forbears) so I’m red, irritated, baggy and circle-y. The only ingredient I know for sure causes a reaction is aloe, so I have no products with aloe. I tried switching to cream eyeshadow – didn’t help.
    I have slightly dry eyes, with or without makeup, so I use artificial tears 1-2x a day. When it’s really irritated I can get expensive prescription Acuvail eyedrops, but I can’t take those daily forever.

    I really miss makeup, and now that I’m over 50 and on camera daily for work, I REALLY miss the brighter/less tired look of me with makeup. But I look so gross for a day or two after. Anyone out there with experience and/or great suggestions? Don’t say Almay…it’s the same as all other makeup to My Angry Eyes.

    1. Rainy*

      Have you tried lash tinting instead of mascara? My stylist does mine while my hair colour is processing. It lasts about 6 weeks usually, and I also have sensitive eyes but find that there’s a tiny bit of stinging toward the end but after that I’m fine. (Though you might want to patch test.) I find that the eyeshadows that affect my eyes most are anything with glitter or sparkle. Matte eyeshadows almost never irritate my eyes.

      Are you using any eye creams? If so, maybe stop for a few weeks and see if that helps. My only other thought is…have you tried mineral makeup for foundation/concealer? Don’t use Bare Minerals! It has a “flushing” ingredient that irritates my skin, but there are a lot of other mineral makeups now that don’t contain bismuth, and I’d look for one of them if you want to give it a try.

    2. Juneybug*

      You might have chronic dry eyes. I was having problems with red eyes and infections. Over time with trial and error, here is what I do for mine (along with dr advice) –
      1. Wash eyelids every night with baby shampoo. This action alone reduced my eye infection/chronic dry eyes issue immensely. Any brand will do. It also is great for removing all of your eye makeup.
      2. Use preserve free eye drops. Eye drops with preserves can actually dry out your eyes even more (though they are supposed to lubricate eyes). I use Systane Preservative-Free Lubricant Eye Drops.
      3. Use humidifier at night time. Helps eyes from drying out during sleep.
      4. Wear sunglasses, as needed. Eye strain can dry out your eyes.
      5. Drink plenty of water. Being dehydrated can also dry out your eyes.
      6. Wear safety glasses with any activities that produce dry air, dust, or dirt. Examples – mowing, wood working, etc. My favorite pair are MAGID Iconic Y50 Design Series Safety Glasses with Side Shields. You can also get them as sunglasses (great for mowing the yard in the summer). Amazon sells them.
      7. Wash your face with gentle soap. Make up remover clothes often contain sulfites and other chemicals that make eyes super sensitive, even if your face handles the cloth well.

      Eye cream suggestions –
      You are not going to like me or your wallet but honestly the best eye cream I have found is Goldfaden MD Bright Eyes. It’s expensive but it doesn’t irate my eyes and over time, has greatly reduced my dark circles and bags. You can get it on Amazon with subscribe and save.

      Make up suggestions –
      Dark circles – I love, love, love Maybelline Instant Age Rewind Eraser Multi-Use Concealer in shade Neutralizer. I put this on before foundation under and inner corners of my eyes.
      Eyeshadow – I use ColourPop eyeshadow without any problems. Their stuff often goes on sale.
      Mascara – I use either L’Oreal Voluminous Original Washable Bold Eye Mascara (day use) or Revlon Ultimate All-In-One Mascara (drama).

      I hope this all helps!

      1. Swisa*

        I was thinking dry eyes too! If you have an ophthalmologist, they can assess this. Mine gave me tear duct plugs (an in office procedure, of putting little plastic plugs in the corner of my eyes, took like a minute), which didn’t work for me, and prescribed restasis, which did.
        Restasis is expensive, like $1000 for a 3 month supply or something, but with my insurance it’s $50.

        TL:DR, getting assessed by a Dr for dry eye may help.

        1. Cookie*

          Thanks for the nudge – I requested an appointment at a dry eye specialty clinic I didn’t even know existed (had been trying to work with my beloved optometrist but I think this is out of her scope).

      2. Mameshiba*

        One note: some ColourPop eyeshadows, especially the glittery ones, are super irritating to many eyes and actually say they’re not supposed to be used on eyes at all (!!) so be careful and look up which ones you get. I love ColourPop but I can’t believe they do that

        1. Cookie*

          My optometrist did tell me to avoid any eyeshadow with nickel. I’ve never used ColourPop…I buy only matte or “shimmer” eyeshadow and use it sparingly. It’s hard to find any that doesn’t have some kind of glitter/shimmer/etc.

      3. Cookie*

        Thanks for all the recommendations! I haven’t yet found an eye cream that doesn’t make my eyes swell…the last one I used (Ole Hendriksen) gave me big red rough patches under my eyes that took a month to heal. I’m a little nervous about using any eye cream.

        I did try the eyelid scrubbing with baby shampoo years ago and it didn’t help at all. Still have the bottle because it’s useful for taking crud off of vinyl window frames!

      4. Cookie*

        Meant to add – I use those exact Systane eyedrops. I realized long ago that preservatives in eyedrops were a problem for me. My soap is Dr. Bronner’s unscented liquid baby soap, and only if I’ve been sweating or wearing makeup, otherwise I just use water.

        I do wear safety glasses for those moments when I lose my mind and decide it’s time to glow up a piece of furniture. Hate sanding…every time I start sanding I think “why did I want to do this, again?”

Comments are closed.