weekend open thread – January 29-30, 2022

by Alison Green on January 29, 2022

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand.

Here are the rules for the weekend posts.

Book recommendation of the week: Movie Star by Lizzie Pepper, by Hilary Liftin. Clearly inspired by the marriage of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, this is an account of an up-and-coming actor who marries a Hollywood A-lister and finds that life with him is not she expected — and escape is not easy.

 I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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  1. Sunhawk Rising*

    First off, I’ll say that I recognize that I’ve lived a privileged life where finances have never been a concern. My parents were financially secure enough that I didn’t have to take out loans for college. They have a savings account for me that is not for my day-to-day living but for big purchases (ie – I bought my car with it and can buy a home some day). I’ll get a sizable inheritance when they pass that will go towards my retirement. I recognize that these privileges have left me sheltered and not understanding of financial things that I should.

    So acknowledging that up front, I’m trying to understand these things and am feeling very overwhelmed. My parents have a tendency not to teach, just to do it for me; even when I ask them to explain it so I can understand, they just say they’ll take care of it now and I can learn later. They helped with setting up my first bank account when I got a job in college for my own money to go to. A decade later I’ve decided to change to a different bank and realized I had no idea what I needed to set up an account because they had done it for me (the bank staff was super helpful and it wasn’t hard but it struck me that I didn’t know how to do something so simple). I’m signed up with a retirement plan through my job but don’t understand it works, just trusts that it’s doing what it’s supposed to do. My taxes have always been done by my parents’ accountant; I had to change to my own accountant and they asked me questions that I had no idea how to answer, because the family accountant already knew everything. I’m thinking of moving out of my ‘cash under the table’ rental situation and realized I don’t understand leases and mortgages.

    Basically all of this is hitting me at once that I don’t understand a lot of basic financial things that I need to know. A coworker told me about a class at her child’s high school that was basically real world financial basics for teens and I really want something like that. I need some kind of class or video series or book or anything to give me the absolute basics like I’m a kid just setting off from home. Any thoughts on where I could find something like that?

    1. Excited Law Student*

      Yes! This is a bit of what I’ve done, though you might have to tweak it for your own style of learning. First, list out financial situations that you know you want/need to learn more about, and then Google them. First start out with basic google searches, like “what is this topic”, and learn more about the general summary of it. As you do that, you’ll start to find information that you don’t already know, and so on the next Google search, follow up those threads. Soon, you will have quite a bit of information, and when you run into confusion, Google search the direct question.

      For example: a list of topics
      1) leases
      2) mortgages
      3) bank accounts
      4) retirement funds
      5) investing

      Google Search: what is a mortgage?
      Search 2: what are the types of mortgages
      Search 3: everything you need to know about a mortgage
      Search 4: (any specific questions that Search 1-3 brings up)

      And if you ever come across a question that you simply cannot answer with an online search, asking in chat areas like this blog comment section, asking in an email to an expert (such as a banker or agent), or even attempting to ask your parents are all options.

      Hopefully this helps a little bit!

      1. I'm A Little Teapot*

        This is probably the best way to go.

        In addition, to help get you started with the list of topics, go to the library and find books like “personal finance for dummies”. They won’t be perfect, but its a start.

        Investopedia is really good for getting definitions and basic understanding of terms.

    2. allathian*

      It depends on how you learn. Do you prefer a class environment, or videos, or would a book do? If so, you could try Personal Finance for Dummies by Eric Tyson. I don’t like the “…for Dummies” bit in the titles, but I’ve read other books in the series. This should at least cover the basics so that you’ll know what questions to ask, and will understand the questions your accountant asks you.

      We’re solidly middle-class, and nowhere near as financially privileged as your family is, but we’ve been investing so that our son will have a nest egg when he grows up. I’m generally privileged in that I live in the Nordics, where college tuition is free up to and including a Master’s, but that doesn’t mean living is necessarily cheap. This is a timely reminder that we’ll need to teach him about personal finance as he grows up.

      1. Katie*

        Speaking of “it depends on how you learn,” scheduling a meeting and talking to the experts could be a way to go. Need to know what to do to set up a new bank account? What you did (ask the bank) is legit and will get you just the right info! Want to know how your retirement account at work works? Schedule an appointment or phone call with your plan administrators. For free, usually! You can prep by looking at the experts’ website first (I imagine your plan administrator and work place have documents online). Read them over, make a list of questions of what you don’t understand, ask those. Go away and think them over; if you have more questions, make another appointment. And don’t be afraid to say “I’m a complete newbie.” Or to just focus on one specific question til you understand it.

    3. Sleeping Late Every Day*

      Well, I’ve never had much money so I haven’t had your struggles, but for me, I just learned as I went. I think my older sister went with me when I opened my first checking account many years ago, because she had her account there and they required someone to vouch for new accounts at that time. Maybe the rest was all simpler then, but I got an apartment (several over time) and a job (ditto) and just learned as I went along. I mean, life’s not a class, so you don’t get a failing grade if you’re a little wobbly about tackling everyday things.

      1. Batgirl*

        It’s true that things are getting more complicated. I just bought my second house and there must have been a dozen more layers of bureaucracy and financial items as part of the purchase that I didn’t need twenty years ago.

    4. Clueless*

      Hey, I don’t share your same financial background and I still didn’t know how to switch banks and I barely know what my retirement account is doing. A lot of people figure this stuff out as they go. Googling things is not a bad idea. I personally also found The Financial Diet on YouTube and the Bad With Money With Gaby Dunn podcast to be really helpful. They both have a ton of content so you’ll probably have to search through it a bit to find the things that apply to you, but they’re both geared toward audiences with no financial knowledge and don’t shame anyone for that. I hope you’re able to find some good sources that give you the information you need!

    5. gsa*

      I like what “Excited Law Student” had to say.

      If you haven’t taken a personal finance course, take one.

      Look at what you earn and look at what you spend. The math will not lie.

      Both of our parents have been very gracious. But we do not rely on that for anything. We donate to good causes.

    6. ivy*

      Bitches get Riches, a blog run by two women in their ?early 30’s? is a fun light-hearted non-judgemental place to start finding out about some of these topics

      1. Katie*

        Yes! Understandable financial information and advice, with a healthy helping of “smash the patriarchy and capitalism!”

      3. Atlantis*

        So is WomenWhoMoney. They have a nice site that is set up for different levels of familiarity for financial topics. They also just published a book recently on Estate planning that I found to be helpful and very approachable for someone without much background.

    7. misspiggy*

      The site moneysavingexpert has what you would need if you were in the UK. It might be worth taking a look to see what kind of topics you’d want to know about where you are.

      Reddit’s Personal Finance subreddit is a good place to see other people’s lessons learned from the US, especially how to do basic investments, taxes and avoid scams. The page also has some good starter guides and tips.

    8. misspiggy*

      If you’re OK with text, the Reddit Personal Finance subreddit has some good starter guides, and lots of posts sharing experiences of how to invest, how to deal with banking problems, and how to avoid scams.

      The most useful and easy-to-understand financial advice site I’ve seen is moneysavingexpert, for UK finance issues. It might still be worth a read if you’re not in the UK, to get an idea of the types of topics to Google.

    9. Asenath*

      I’m a fan of doing things bit by bit, that is, if I needed to learn it, I figured it out – looked it up, checked with professionals (like you did with the bank and the accountant). I also think that I remember things better when I actually do them, and discovered that with some things like taxes and retirement plans, the rules change from time to time so I’d need a refresher anyway. But if you learn better from courses, I’d combing Googling for online information with some local course that can focus on local laws and requirements. Often local colleges,, governments or non-profit associations offer such things, and of course any company you’re planning on doing financial business with will provide you with information that you can check against other sources. And maybe you will decide to outsource some things – after many decades of doing my own taxes, I started hiring an accountant when they got a little complicated, and think it’s worth it. A financial planner – took two attempts to find one; first time I got one who was most interested in selling me things – can give you an overview of your current financial status and what you need to do for retirement, including whether or not your company’s plan will be sufficient, whether you are making the best use of it, and the reasons for these opinions. Don’t feel so bad that you haven’t learned this sort of thing yet; even the student who took one of those courses in high school probably forgot it all by the time she took out her first mortgage! And there’s a ton of information out there.

    10. The Other Dawn*

      Honestly, I’d go for an adult education class at the local high school, if they have it. Twice a year I get a catalog from the town’s Board of Education and it lists all the adult ed classes they’re offering for the spring or fall. There’s always a basic financial education class in there. If your town/city doesn’t have anything like that, check with your bank. I work at a bank and every bank I’ve worked for has had a basic financial ed program for the community. It’s specifically geared towards people who haven’t been taught the basics in their younger years, or maybe they want to brush up on their knowledge. Usually it’s free and open to anyone. Sometimes it’s just one sessions, but other times it might be a few sessions.

      If you’d prefer to learn on your own, check out the FDIC’s Money Smart program. I’m going to link to it, but if you don’t want to wait, go to fdic(dot)gov and search for Money Smart. There are several versions: one for people teaching the program, which includes all the participant guides you can download right now to PDF (“Teach Money Smart”); one for people who want to learn Money Smart (“Learn Money Smart”); and a new version for learners called “How Money Smart Are You?”, which contains games for learning. It’s all completely free and you can do it online.

      2. WoodswomanWrites*

        Seconding the community education class idea if it’s available where you live. My local community has one on basic financial info. Their classes are affordable and comprehensive.

      3. KittyCardigans*

        Check your local public library, too! Mine recently had a series on personal finance that was targeted at people in their 20s but open to anyone.

        If you have a nearby university, they might have speakers/classes that are open to the public, as well.

    11. Not So NewReader*

      FWIW, I think you are doing great with your approach to this problem. My father did not teach me about money because he did not know. Depression kid and all that. Once I decided to spend the rest of my life learning things about money, I felt better about everything.

      I read up on stuff on an as needed basis. I took a finance course at church. I also did an accounting course at a community college, which was super helpful in an odd way. I learned how businesses think about money and I found tidbits that I could apply to my own financial decisions at home. My father thought it would make me a better employee because I would learn to look at money through the eyes of employers.

      It’s also really good to realize that stuff changes all the time. So I don’t think many people stay on top of “everything”.

      One of the first “big” decisions I faced with money was to identify where I was on the range of conservative to high risk taker.* After I picked that out and was able to describe ME, other decisions fell in place behind that. I have a very low tolerance (psychological) for taking risks. This was driven by a gut feeling or intuition or something. But the way my life played out it was the absolute correct choice for me. The numbers bear out on that one. Always remember if your gut is screaming nooooo, pay attention and, find out more information before you make a particular financial move.

      *Being very low risk tolerance lead me to not doing leases for anything; not buying new cars; avoiding unnecessary loans/debts; paying promptly and sometimes annoying others because of concern about an outstanding bill; I did not listen to how much house the loan officer said I “could” afford; I got one credit card and I have kept it for decades; and when raises were announced at work, I did not plan on that raise until I actually saw it on my pay stub. This all has served me well. We paid off our educations, I paid off my husband’s catastrophic medical bills and in 17 months my house will be paid for. It’s been a journey.

      I realize that your setting is different, but I am offering this as a way you can start thinking about setting rules of thumb for you to live by. Try to think about how much risk you are willing to take on in general- where do you start to get uncomfortable? Don’t answer here because your answer will change as the decades go by, this is a thing that you tweak according to stage of life.

    12. Purt’s Peas*

      Do you have a friend you trust, who’s generally pretty competent and answers questions without being patronizing? Ask if you can sit down with them and ask them some questions, or if they’ll help you with some of the stuff you’re trying to get in order.

      It sounds to me like you have a lot of shame around this. It’s ok to not know this stuff, and it’s ok that you feel how you feel, you just can’t let it stop you.

      A kid might be doing their taxes for the first time and not know what they need; they’ll turn to a parent, a roommate, a friend, a group chat and be like, “should I have a form W-2??? What??” and then they’ll get answers! Or, a kid looking for their first apartment might be doing so when the rest of their cohort is graduating: “oh, are you looking on craigslist? Cool…” (quietly takes notes) “I found a place that’s month to month, no it doesn’t have heat/hot water included, is that normal…?”

      What I’m trying to say is that people, especially young people but really everyone, are learning this stuff from others—very few people had their parents sit them down and teach them about form 1095-B, or took a class. That means that many people don’t really know all the stuff you feel like they do know, AND it means that people are very prepared to offer guidance and support.

      Absolutely ask questions. I think that more areas than not will be like opening that account at the bank—people are helpful, and want to do right by you, and explain the stuff that they used to find hard.

    13. GoodForYou*

      Great suggestions here, and good for you for wanting to get financially empowered! I recommend starting with a Suze Orman book. She gives clear, easy to follow advice and explanations. The Money Book for the Young, Fabulous, and Broke is a good one to start with even if you don’t identify as all those things :)

      If you’re doing internet research like some others suggested, NerdWallet is a great source

    14. Chauncy Gardener*

      I second all the great advice already given here. Also, if you’re comfortable with it, have a sit down (or three) with your parents’ accountant and/or your own and ask away! In addition to the advice given above, you may want to ask about your tax situation and what perhaps you could be doing to minimize your taxes owed.
      Please don’t carry any shame about not knowing this stuff. In general, we are woefully under preparing our next generations to handle their money and personal business.
      And not for nothing, I’m a CPA and an exec level finance person and when I have to fill out a W-4 I always have to really think about it because it IS SO STUPIDLY WORDED!! Could the government make it more confusing? I doubt it. lol

    16. Also Cute and Fluffy!*

      My parents were mainly the “ My parents have a tendency not to teach, just to do it for me; even when I ask them to explain it so I can understand, they just say they’ll take care of it now and I can learn later.” variety also.

      The advice here about finances is solid. If there are other domains where they didn’t teach you, there are books and YouTube videos for those too. I love the book “Unf*ck Your Habitat”, and the YouTube series “Dad, How Do I?”

    17. Clisby*

      When you say you don’t know what your retirement plan is doing – do you not get regular statements from the plan? (I’m retired now, but seems like when I was working I’d get quarterly reports showing how much I contributed, how much the company contributed, any earnings, that kind of thing.)

    18. Financial Help*

      When I needed to learn about finances I read a lot of books about finance – but in a range.
      The Wealthy Barber was one of my favorites because it told a story so It was easy to ready but gave a big picture view of finance and building wealth.
      I also loved Girl, Get your Money Straight by Gilinda Bridgeforth. She was writing from a getting out of debt point of view, but it was valuable because I learned how to could avoid it.
      I also read Rich Dad, Po0r Dad and anything by Suzie Ormond. I don’t necessarily subscribe to any of their philosophies, but took all the information to get my own understanding.
      I have nieces are soon to be college grads and I got them the Clever Girls Guide to Finance, by Bola Sukunbi – there is a whole series of books. Her website clevergirlsguide offers free financial courses. Financial education is a journey and it never ends. As your life changes so do you finances. Being in control of your finances is a lot less stressful than hoping they work out.

    19. Ice Bear*

      My parents didn’t teach me anything about finances or retirement either. I learned as I went. I think it helps that I’m a naturally curious person so I like learning about all sorts of topics.

      Sometimes your local library will have courses. I also love the Dummies series. They have a Finances for Dummies book which I think is a nice jumping off point because from there you can decide what topics you’d like to explore more in-depth. I also really like Money magazine for tips and tricks.

    20. Lady Alys*

      There is a book called, “The Simple Path to Wealth: Your road map to financial independence and a rich, free life” by J. L. Collins that started as a blog category on his web site and turned into this book, aimed at his then-19yo daughter, that might be a good place to start.

      If you end up talking to a professional, make sure that person is a FIDUCIARY – fiduciaries are legally obligated to give you advice based on YOUR best interests, instead of selling you something that primarily benefits THEM.

    21. Katie*

      “Get a Financial Life: Personal Finance in Your Twenties and Thirties” by Beth Kobliner might fit the bill. It was last revised in 2017. Your library may have it!

    22. RagingADHD*

      I agree with another poster upthread that your most direct & comprehensive approach will be to talk to your parents’ accountant and your own.

      If your folks’ accountant is a responsible professional who takes generational wealth seriously, they are probably dying to step in and educate you, first on how to be fully independent, and then on how to manage the legacy you will receive.

      It is not their place to approach you, that would be an overstep. But they already know how sheltered your parents have kept you, and I’d bet they will eagerly step up to help.

    23. PT*

      Most states/cities have a tenants’ websites that explains the ins and outs of tenants law in that state/city, if you Google for it.

      I learned about leases back in Ye Olden Days (OK, 2007) when I lived in Boston, by downloading the city’s Good Neighbor Handbook. Now it’s a searchable website, which is much better. It assumed the reader was a first-time tenant, and also included tips on what scams to watch out for.

    24. Mostlyalurker*

      I’m in the same boat with feeling like my parents never taught me about finances- it’s nothing to be embarrassed about and now you’re learning! I’m working my way through a course called Slay the Stockmarket and it’s been really helpful for figuring out step by step how to get myself organized financially and how to understand investing. She teaches basic budgeting too if that’s something you need to learn. I found her on Instagram (I know) but its been really useful for me

    25. Elephants and beagles*

      I work in a call center for an agency that administers retirement plans. I talk to people every day who have no idea how their plan works, so please don’t think everyone else knows except you. You’re wise to figure this stuff out now. My agency has a ton of videos on our website – your retirement plan may have something similar.
      And although I haven’t used them for this particular subject, Khan Academy has a personal finance section with free, short videos broken into specific topics.

    26. Mary Fleming*

      When my kids graduated from college I gave them the book Get a Financial Life: Personal Finance in Your Twenties and Thirties. They all said it was so helpful. Although we also helped them learn the basics. Good luck. You will do great. I was raised with my parents doing all the financial work for me and I floundered on my own. That is why I wanted to teach my kids so they wouldn’t struggle as well.

    27. Miel*

      Regarding leases: it took me signing like five leases to be able to (mostly) understand them. At the beginning, I asked a family friend who is familiar with leases to help me figure out what it meant. That helped. (Google also helps, as does reading the document several times over.)

      Regarding mortgages: There are several organizations in my area that offer “first time homeowner” classes. It’s typically 8 hours and they talk about mortgages. I’ve heard they’re great.

      Regarding taxes: okay, your taxes might be more complicated than mine, if you have a bunch of stocks or something. But. I firmly believe that almost every person is capable of doing their own taxes, no accountant needed. There are a number of software packages that will walk you through the process. If you use something like FreeTaxUSA, you can file your federal taxes for free. (State taxes are typically way simpler than federal.) (Also, just want to say that tax returns are a scam. For 20 years the IRS has been trying to make it free and simple to file online, and TurboTax has successfully blocked it.)

      Also, this is anecdotal so take it with a grain of salt, but: I know several people who’ve goofed up their taxes, and it is not a big deal. My dad famously goofs up his taxes almost every year, and the IRS just sends him an additional refund or invoice. (I’m not sure how he manages to goof up so much, but he does own a house and some stock and had kids in college and all kinds of other details.)

      Anyway, best of luck to you! You’ve got this.

    28. Epsilon Delta*

      I really enjoy the podcast How to Money. Two guys explain financial topics, everything from mortgages to investing, and give balanced advice. They aren’t advocating that you save every penny nor advocating that you spend everything you make.

      I found it easy to follow with a fairly basic understanding of personal finance (admittedly I had a bit more experience than you) and after listening to a couple years worth of episodes feel like an expert now. They also have guests who have usually written a book or blog, so if their area of expertise interests you, you can check out their work.

    29. Texas*

      As a young adult starting out on my own, I’ve found the resources wiki of the personal finance subreddit to be a nice starting point for finding out what I should research further and what language/keywords to look for.

    30. Kay*

      Start taking in information, anything and everything. When I started out, in middle school mind you, I took accounting classes, investing and personal finance classes, you name it. Your local college will likely offer the same, so will your local municipality, your bank, your insurance company, the administrator for your company’s retirement plan, etc. Talk to all of them and take those classes available. You’ll know when you’ve ingested enough of the basics to take the next step.

      Sign up for newsletters from financial organizations – the Wall Street Journal/Barrons, Forbes, Financial Times, Fortune, (just start with a google search) etc. – often times you can get their daily newsletter for free without having to pay for their service – do that! Same with blogs and the money section of your home page – I remember MSN Money being a great source of financial info back in the day, currently websites like Slate have financial Q&A sections if you want a more casual conversation. Read the IRS FAQs, tax topics and use their interactive tax assistant on their site. Read lots, don’t get too set on any one bit of information you come across until you know more, and this will open your mind to many things. Keep in mind that much of you what you read won’t be relevant to you (at least now), your state, your situation, etc. but it will give you the insight and knowledge to start asking the right questions, as well as give you enough information to evaluate the information you are given.

      You might not learn everything immediately, but if you continue on this trend of absorbing information it will set you on a better path for the future.

    31. University Schlep*

      Have you checked out your local community college? Some of them have courses like that.

      Also just in general I got my young adult the two “Adulting 101” books (Burnette & Hardesty). While this is more general than what you asked for, it covers a wide range of topics that you might not have covered if you were as sheltered as it sounds like you were .

  2. mandy*

    Has anyone here done Stitch Fix or another clothing subscription box and if so what did you think of it? Was it worth the money and did you get pieces you wouldn’t have picked out on your own but liked?

    1. Pregnant during COVID*

      I’ve shared on here before that I am a big fan of Stitch Fix. That said, my last fix a month ago was a miss. I’m hoping that’s not the case moving forward. I find it helps to be really specific with your likes and dislikes in the profile, link to a Pinterest board of looks and styles you like, and check out their inventory first so you have a sense of what they have to work with. I use the Stitch Fix app which makes all of the above super simple. As long as you don’t have a super narrow style, there’s a big range to choose from. I use SF because I don’t have time to shop, online shopping is overwhelming, and my weight and body type have fluctuated a lot over the past five years after two kids. I also have a job that requires me to look polished but I don’t like to chase trends. So I am usually super happy with the items I get from the stylist and they almost always fit great (I’m short and curvy). Much of their inventory comes from a few places like Anthropologie. They’ve added more high end options you can opt in to with your budget range but I’ve found those to be overpriced. They’re best in the mid range budget in my opinion. Finally, SF recently added a Freestyle option that curates head to toe looks based on items you have already with the option to purchase other pieces in the look and I’ve used that function several times. It’s made getting ready really easy and makes me more confident in wearing things a bit outside my comfort zone. Hope that helps!

    2. The Other Dawn*

      I did it for maybe six months and then gave up. It got me to consider items I never would have looked at in the store. I bought a few things, but it wasn’t enough for me to keep doing it. I found the clothing expensive for the quality, which isn’t the best, even when choosing the mid-range budget option. And my stylist kept sending the ugliest jewelry even though I told her I prefer small pieces. She kept sending huge statement necklaces and large earrings, both of which I hate.

    3. AY*

      I used Stitch Fix in the past, but I think the quality of the clothes is pretty poor for the price. I got frayed seams on some shirts after only a few washes.

      I’ve had better luck with Nordstrom’s Trunk Club. Although it’s more expensive, the pieces are good quality, and you can be more specific about the kids of pieces you’d like to receive.

    4. Let me be dark and twisty*

      Stitch Fix is my favorite out of all the “personal stylist” companies and works the best for me. I signed up for Stitch Fix originally to help develop a more professional style for work. For the most part, everything I got worked for me and i love a lot of the pieces they’ve sent me, some of which were completely unexpected. But at the same time, I’ve also had a few misses where it feels like the stylist didn’t even read my profile to see what I wanted (my profile says no dresses and I got a box once that had 2 dresses and a skirt) and I’ve also had boxes where it felt like the stylist didn’t understand what “professional” meant (like the time I got a box of black New York corporate fashionista clothes when my preference is more J Crew-ish). So it does take time to hone the system but overall I’ve found it to be super successful for me.

      Also be aware that Stitch Fix is moving more towards algorithms and AI tech instead of actual people picking your clothes. There’s a really great article about this if you’re interested in that kind of stuff. The article does also imply that Stitch Fix Corporate isn’t the best at supporting their workers as they implement AI so if that’s important to you, you might want to consider a different company.

    5. Excuse Me, Is This Username Taken?*

      I’ve done it off and on and for the most part have appreciated it! The last time I did it I got a stylist who really paid attention to what I was asking for and found great options I wouldn’t necessarily have tried myself. That said, it seems like it’s worked best for me when I have had a clear idea for myself of what I was looking for (new blouses and a blazer for work, a maxi skirt, etc.) and can describe that to the stylist.

    6. o_gal*

      I’ve been doing SF for about 4-ish years now, and I alternately love it and hate it. My first 3 boxes, on a once-per-month schedule, were fantastic. Then there was a long time where I wasn’t thrilled with what came but I could find a few pieces. Then a period where they were back to being good. Then a long, long period where it was very obvious that the stylist was paying no attention to what I had picked in the past and what I liked on the styling board (where you click through pictures and pick whether you would wear it or not.) I hate flowery, poofy shirts, especially with bell sleeves, and that was all they were sending me. I honestly think they needed to dump overstock. But then I think they started on testing out their AI algorithm and the boxes started getting better. I also started rescheduling my fixes so they come only about every few months, and that seems to have improved things. If I were you, I’d try it for about 6 months, so you cross over a seasons boundary, and see how you like it.

    7. I'm Done*

      I just cancelled my Stitch Fix subscription that I started almost five years ago while living in Korea where it’s pretty hard to find clothing for American sized bodies. It’s been hit and miss. I was very specific in my profile but had a different stylist every time, a lot of who apparently didn’t bother to check it. The funniest/ most unsuitable fix was the one with the Daisy Dukes. I’m in the 50+ age range. I also found that many of the pieces were poor quality and often times wouldn’t hold up after getting washed a couple of times. Once I was back in the US, I switched to quarterly deliveries, but after the last two shipments were so completely wrong in regards to my preferences stated in my profile, I gave up and cancelled. My price range was mid to high.

      1. SpiderWort*

        I recently had a similar experience with Dia and Co. In my profile I specifically said I do not wear animal prints or anything orange… guess what showed up in my box? :D

    8. Jay*

      I have a Stitch Fix account and for a while I got a box every three months. It was very helpful a few years ago after I had bariatric surgery and had to figure out how I wanted to dress a body I’d never had before (and I mean never – I was a size 16 when I graduated HS and by the time I had surgery at age 57 I was over a 28. I’m now an 8-10). They sent me things I would NEVER have tried on and ended up loving. I have never kept everything in the box – usually it’s two or three items. I think the prices are reasonable for the quality but it is not cheap. I stopped getting regularly scheduled boxes because my closet is overflowing and I recently retired so I don’t need to buy clothes. I think it’s great if it’s in your budget.

      When I was actively losing weight, I bought a lot of stuff from ThredUp and they have a similar service – much cheaper and also a lot of fun. It was more hit-or-miss and I ended up sending most of the pieces back but it was a blast to try.

    9. Name Goes Here*

      I did Stitch Fix a few years ago –– I dislike shopping and was hoping it would help me identify pieces that suited me, without the headache of spending hours going through racks at the store.

      The first box was good (I got a skirt that I wore for a good five years after), but after that it went downhill. I felt like they were ignoring my descriptions of what I liked and was interested in. Cancelled three boxes in.

      1. Starling*

        This was my experience – great the first box, then ok, then blah. Because they didn’t seem to be listening to my feedback. Also – I prefer natural fibers, and there was a lot of poly/rayon/dry clean only that does not work with my kids+washing machine lifestyle.
        It was fun though and I still have a shirt in rotation 5 (?) years on

    10. the cat's ass*

      I’ve done Dia, Stitch Fix AND ThredUp, and they all started out strong with things I liked and bought, that I might have not picked out for myself. Then they went rapidly downhill, ThredUp being the worst offender-i wear a size 16 and was looking for business casual, and they sent me glitter! Feathers! Cocktail dresses! Stilettoes! It was like I was going to be an extra on Sex and the City. Which could have been fun but everything was a size 8. I think both they and I could have been a bit more diligent in tracking/choosing things, but I really didn’t have the time or energy and i cancelled them. My price range was med to high. Hope your experience is better than mine. Once it’s safe again, it’s back to consignment and vintage stores for me.

    11. Bluebell*

      I had a monthly subscription for a few years ago when I was still working full time in a business casual office. I kept 2-3 pieces each time during the First year but then tapered off. Yes, it was definitely more expensive than store shopping, but I liked the convenience and received things that I probably wouldn’t have tried on myself. I also agree that making very specific requests from your stylist helps a lot.

    12. OneBean TwoBean*

      I order from Stitch Fix periodically and like it. I started during covid when I needed new work clothes and wasn’t going into a store if I didn’t have to. They’ve got me to try some things slightly out of my comfort zone that I ended up liking. The clothes are more expensive than what I’d pick on my own (I picked the lowest price option and they are still pricier than my normal). I’ve found their customer service to be great. I’ve done a few “fixes” where the stylist picks the clothes for you and some “freestyle” orders where you select items yourself. What I appreciate the most is that shipping is always free and it is super easy to return items. I can just stick them back in the shipping bag and drop them into a mailbox.

    13. RussianInTexas*

      I tried StichFix, and hated it. I honestly don’t think any human person ever reads what you say, or evaluates anything you click on.
      I am plus size, and everything they sent was not great. Things I would never pick for myself, and not in a good way. I kept usually 1/5 of any shipping to avoid the stylist fees. They would also send me things that I asked explicitly NOT to send.

      1. Amy Farrah Fowler*

        I’ve always wanted to try it, but I’m allergic to rayon and reached out to the company and they couldn’t guarantee that they wouldn’t send me items with rayon in them. Considering how difficult finding things without it has gotten even in brick and mortar stores, I opted not to risk it. I’m also plus size, so it sounds like it was a bullet dodged.

      2. Pocket Mouse*

        I had a similar experience. I was very specific with what I was looking for in terms of style and color, and kept getting… 85% not that. I think I only had 3-4 shipments total.

    14. Mostlyalurker*

      I’ve been using Rent the Runway for about 6 months now and I’m obsessed. It’s a little different than Stitch Fix because you pick out your own stuff, and it’s a rental service instead of purchasing.
      But I love it because I don’t have to deal with laundry for my work clothes anymore, I can wear clothes that are waaaay nicer than anything I could afford to buy, and I get to rent pieces that I have tons of fun with for a few weeks but would never want to commit to purchasing permanently. It lets me explore more style and pattern and color options than I would otherwise.
      And an unexpected bonus is that I can get whatever size I need to accommodate changing body size, without spending a lot of money on a new work wardrobe every time my weight fluctuates

    15. Longtime Lurker*

      I’m an occasional customer, and sometimes have the opposite problem of what others have described -I get pieces that are exact clones of things I already own. Along with a few things that I’d like to keep. And then I have to do the math dithering “if I keep all 5, I get the discount; is it actually cheaper than just keeping the pieces that I really want….” (sometimes yes, and then I either have a back up or a donation!)

  3. NLR*

    I just finished Alison’s book rec from last weekend, The Maid, where the narrator is somewhere on the autism spectrum. Can anyone recommend other books with non-neurotypical narrators? I really enjoyed it and would like to read more.

    1. Who Am I, Really?*

      I loved the book, The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time, by Mark Haddon. First person narrator who is on the spectrum, a really good mystery too.

      1. Ask a Manager* Post author

        I loved this! Also, I just finished the Rosie Project by Graeme Simsion, which I enjoyed but I’m curious about how autistic people feel about it because I can imagine an argument for not being thrilled with its portrayal of the narrator.

        1. Washi*

          I would be curious about this too! To me there was too much of a My Fair Lady thing going on of Rosie fixing Don which I found problematic at several levels (the trope of a quirky woman teaching a man how to love plus the implication that autistic people need to be fixed.) But I am not autistic so I would love to hear opinions from autistic readers.

        2. E. Chauvelin*

          I enjoyed it but I have to say that by the third book, The Rosie Result, it’s obvious that the author put a lot more work into understanding and representing autism than he’d done in the first book, which is enjoyable but more of a coded Big Bang Theory kind of portrayal. In the third book Don and Rosie’s kid is facing issues at school and the question of whether or not he’s autistic is raised, and it’s very much explicitly about the advantages and disadvantages of formal diagnosis (disadvantages being stuff like will he be put in a box), the line between learning techniques to deal with the neurotypical world and changing yourself in ways you shouldn’t have to, a side discussion on identity first vs. person first language, etc.

          Helen Hoang writes own voices romance novels with autistic main characters. The first one is The Kiss Quotient.

      2. WoodswomanWrites*

        Seconding this recommendation for The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time. It’s a fantastic book.

    2. allathian*

      (The) Speed of Dark by Elizabeth Moon. I really recommend this one.

      “Lou Arrendale is a bioinformatics specialist who has high-functioning autism, and has made a good life for himself working doing pattern recognition. A new manager at the firm where he works puts pressure on his department, where many autistic people work. Lou is pressured to undergo an experimental treatment that might “cure” his autism. Lou does not think he needs curing, but he risks losing his job and other accommodations the company has put in place for its employees with autism if he does not undergo it.

      Lou struggles with the idea of going through this “treatment” for his autism while he pursues fencing with his “normal” friends and continues to go to work. His autistic friends, as well as himself, meet together after work and discuss what or what not to do.”

      Source: Wikipedia

      Would Flowers for Algernon by Daniel Keyes fit the bill?

        1. allathian*

          That’s true, but intellectually disabled people are also neurodivergent. It’s also an intellectual disability when it’s so severe that the person is non-verbal or needs help to get dressed or to eat. It’s only the high functioning ones who can be described as smart, but different from the majority.

      1. ivy*

        I’ve just finished “When we were Vikings” by Andrew David MacDonald. Protagonist/narrator has foetal alcohol syndrome, not neurodivergent per se but might fulfil your needs

        I really didn’t like the Rosie Project! It made me really uncomfortable and I didn’t finish it…

    5. Blue Eagle*

      Just finished reading One Two Three. Three narrators who are triplets, one on the autism spectrum, one who is in a wheelchair and cannot speak but uses a voicebox from her keyboard. Very interesting book from their different points of view.

    6. Atheist Nun*

      Belinda Bauer wrote a murder mystery, Rubbernecker, whose “detective” is a medical student who seems to be autistic (I cannot remember if he was formally diagnosed). I liked it a lot, but it is painful to read because it shows how non autistic people can be prejudiced towards people with autism.

    7. Pay No Attention To The Man Behind The Curtain*

      The books by Stieg Larsson in the “Millennium” series — The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo and others — the main protagonist is on the autism spectrum.

    8. Kathenus*

      These are nonfiction, but anything by Temple Grandin. She writes both about her experiences as an autistic person and how she perceives the world, and books on animal welfare – an area that she’s dedicated her professional life to improving in the agricultural world.

    9. GoryDetails*

      Definitely try “Curious Incident”!

      I also enjoyed the YA SF novel Jillian vs Parasite Planet, by Nicole Kornher-Stace; young heroine Jillian suffers from anxiety, and I think it’s conveyed well in the story.

      There’s also the manga series With the Light: Raising an Austistic Child, by Keiko Tobe; it doesn’t have a narrator, but it does deal with many aspects of autism, from challenges to the parents and siblings to classroom issues and on.

    11. I edit everything*

      If you’re into YA adventure/light science fiction/alt history, try Laura Ruby’s York series. B1 is “The Shadow Cipher.” One of the main characters struggles with anxiety and is prone to catastrophizing, has “spells” where she gets lost in her own anxiety spirals. Also, she has a very, very cool emotional support cat.

      1. Anonasourus Rex*

        The Journal of Best Practices by David Finch. It’s a memoir (but reads easy, like fiction) of being diagnosed as autistic as an adult and trying to understand his life and improve his relationships and marriage in a new context.

    12. Rara Avis*

      Sunnyside Plaza by Scott Simon. It’s YA. Residents of a group home solve the mystery of the death of one of their friends.

    13. cityMouse*

      Don’t let the titles throw you off: The Murderbot Diaries by Martha Wells. The first book is All Systems Red. I looooooove this series.

      1. JustForThis*

        I’ve recently read the Murderbot Diaries which I loved, and I’ve also wondered about this. The narrator/protagonist certainly has some habits which may be associated with being on the autism spectrum, e.g. strongly disliking direct eye contact. The narrator/protagonist is also what is called a “construct,” i.e. partly a machine. I’m not comfortable with comparing being a cyborg to being on the autism spectrum, but I do agree that the implication may be there, and I’d be really interested in hearing how others read The Murderbot Diaries.

        1. anony AI*

          I second the recommendation for Murderbot. The audio books are even better and read by Kevin R. Free from Welcome to Night Vale. He does a perfect job capturing Murderbot’s snarkiness.

          I’m introverted, have anxiety and depression, and come from a dysfunctional family where I learned by observing other more functional people and found it relatable. I’m not on the spectrum, but it sounds like there could be some overlap in relatable characteristics

          I agree the series has the issue with not fully human folks being the ones who are different. The series is also lgbtqia+ friendly except it bugs me that Murderbot is basically asexual only for not being fully human and everyone else is poly for some reason? There are no other options in this universe. As an ace, I did appreciate that the sexual content is low and not the focus of the story.

          Thinking about it now, maybe it’s easier to talk about human issues semi-anthropormorphically and as an observer. I still love the series overall and they are action packed and hysterical.

          1. Very Social*

            Oh my gosh, I’m not a big fan of audiobooks but I love Murderbot and Kevin R. Free–I might just have to try the latest one on audio!

            And this whole thread of recommendations is great–adding a bunch to my TBR!

        2. Morgs*

          Hi, I’m autistic and the protagonist from Murderbot Diaries definitely feels like kin. Absolutely fair comparison. And fwiw, I feel like a robot some days myself. :)

    14. The OG Sleepless*

      I just finished The Good Sister by Sally Hepworth, where one of the sisters is on the spectrum, and really enjoyed it. Also Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine.

    15. I take tea*

      This is a memoir, some years ago I read Twirling Naked in the Streets and No One Noticed: Growing Up With Undiagnosed Autism by Jeannie Davide-Rivera (Aspiewriter) and it was really a eye opener to me.

    16. Just a different redhead*

      I don’t think it’s explicitly stated, and may not even be the case… I also have watched the resulting anime rather than read their manga, but “March Comes In Like A Lion” and “My Roommate Is A Cat” really hit some resonance points with me. If you are interested in their styles, I highly recommend those stories.

    17. Seeking Second Childhood*

      If you are game for R-rated romance, try Penny Reid’s “Neanderthal Seeks Human” ( book one of her Knitting in the City series). When it was mentioned in the comments on TheBloggess years ago, many people said “I’ve never seen a person like me in a book before.” Social anxiety, strong tendency to blurt out interesting facts that aren’t exactly socially acceptable, and an undeserved low self-esteem because she didn’t quite fit in with the people around her growing up. I like Reid’s other books too, but this one remains my favorite.

    19. Lucy Skywalker*

      I agree with everyone who said The Curious Incident of The Dog in The Nighttime.
      I’m not sure if Tourette’s Syndrome is considered non-neurotypical, but if it is, I recommend “Motherless Brooklyn” by Jonathan Lethem. It’s a murder mystery narrated by one of the detectives, who has Tourette’s. One thing that I especially liked about this book is that the protagonist’s disability is not the main plot of the book. The murder mystery is the main plot, and his disability is secondary.
      Another novel with a protagonist who has Tourette’s is “Icy Sparks” by Gwyn Hyman Rubio. It takes place in the south and is narrated by a young girl who has Tourette’s but isn’t diagnosed until the end of the book.

    20. Mimi*

      Helen Hoang is autistic and writes romance novels with autistic protagonists. THE KISS QUOTIENT is my favorite, but I liked the others, too. (There are sex scenes but her stuff isn’t super-steamy.)

  4. Random Name*

    Happy weekend everyone! I would love to hear stories of how you embraced body neutrality. Please feel free to share any resources that helped you in your journey.

    The fatphobia/discrimination I experience is nothing compared what people at larger sizes do. However, I do also face it so would especially appreciate content targeted to mid-size people (I think that’s the term? On the very end of straight sizes) as I do not see a lot of representation for this segment – perhaps I am looking in the wrong places :(

    A request: I know this is a hot button topic for a lot of people, but let’s please keep it kind! I would like this to be a helpful thread for people at any size who are struggling with body image. Please no comments on the lines of “you are promoting obesity” or “you aren’t even fat, what are you worried about”. I know most people on here would not do this but I figured it would be good to put it up to head off any concern trolls or gatekeepers. Thank you for reading!

    1. WS*

      I am very fat, and the worst of it for me is that I gained a tremendous amount of weight with cancer…while doctors told me that I obviously wasn’t sick, I was just fat and lazy. It’s meant that all my medical appointments ever since (and there’s a lot, as you might expect for a cancer survivor) have been extremely stressful for me, even when the doctor doesn’t immediately tell me to, say, lose weight for a sinus infection. Which has happened.

      The things that helped me the most in being more confident and less anxious were a) making myself think kind/nice things about other people and b) exercising. Every time I thought something nasty about someone else who wasn’t actively being horrible in my sight, I made myself think something nice about them. So, “ugh, that hairstyle looks awful on her” had to be followed by “she’s walking really confidently, she must really feel good in those boots.” It helped me cut down and stop the negative self-talk.

      The second part was getting in my bathers and going to the pool. Yes, terrifying, and I’m almost always the fattest person there, but (almost) nobody actually cared. And I get to move around and feel good doing a kind of exercise that doesn’t hurt me.

      I do think people at mid-sizes experience a slightly different form of fatphobia, which I saw when I was around that size. It’s more “if you just…[improved your posture, dressed better, changed your make-up, were quieter, shaved your legs]…you’d be a worthy person.” At higher weights, I’m just a lost cause so nobody’s policing the details.

      1. Random Name*

        I am so sorry to hear about your diagnosis and the way you were treated by your doctors. It’s really frustrating when medical professionals, who you think would know better, behave this way – not at all comparable to your story, but I once had an ER doctor try to talk to me about my PCOS and weight (at the age of 16) while I was being admitted for having a 103F fever for a week.

        Interesting tips! I’m definitely going to adopt #1. Won’t lie, I am intimidated by #2, but once the coronavirus situation improves in my area perhaps I can try that as well. Thanks for sharing!

      2. mdv*

        I feel you! I’m super frustrated by doctors who think my weight is the problem, and not the underlying autoimmune disease that I have *successfully put into remission without medication*, but which still impacts my energy and pain levels on a daily basis.

      3. Potatoes gonna potate*

        @WS – I’m so sorry you went through that. Its sad that there is this bias against larger women.

        I had several miscarriages and was always told it was b/c of my diabetes and weight and “well it just happens, lose weight and try again.” At one point I was seeing an endocrinologist, bloodwork showed that my thyroid was messed up and all my symptoms matched – constantly exhausted, lots of body pain, unable to lose weight, no energy to exercise. She just shrugged and said “well try harder.” By the time she left the practice and I was assigned to a new endocrinologist, I was towards the end of my first trimester. She immediately put me on thyroid medication as high levels were dangerous for a developing fetus.

        PS I still remember that poor girl who, upon receiving a cancer diagnosis, was told that she can “finally lose the weight!” by the doctor who diagnosed her.

        1. WS*

          Oh yes, when I was finally diagnosed with cancer, my mother said, “Trust you to get the one cancer where you gain weight!”

    2. Cookies For Breakfast*

      I’ve experienced what you described all throughout my childhood, which really did a number on my self-esteem and body image up until my mid twenties.

      Finding a form of exercise that works for me helped lots. Growing up, I hated exercise because it was mandated at school, and made to incentivise competitiveness. It was almost always running or gymnastics. I lack both speed and agility, and have heard horrible things about my body in every single changing room from my youth. In my mid to late twenties, I started getting a lot of enjoyment out of swimming, yoga and taking long walks, all of which I can practice at my own pace and on my own. There’s a relief in doing it in settings where nobody around cares what others are doing. I can focus on myself, and what I want to get out of it that day, and that hasn’t been changing the shape I see in the mirror for years now.

      Something else that helped was gaining awareness of how environment was shaping my thoughts. Growing up in a small town where the wealthy popular people all looked a certain way. The casual negative self-talk around bodies and food I’d hear from women around me all the time. Realising how I’d internalised all that was a bit of a breakthrough, and as a side effect, I’ve gained more confidence calling it out when I see it. A caveat, though: it helps that I moved away to a big city abroad, because the distance in mindset was way more than the miles separating two countries.

      I hope at least a little bit of this can be helpful!

      1. Random Name*

        I completely relate to hating exercise as a child. My dad still tells me off for not having participated in any form of sport when I was younger. I was the fat kid and made fun of, so it just became a vicious circle where I truly believed I was bad at all sporty things and thus was never able to lose any weight. It’s only in the last few years that I’ve discovered I actually love walking and running. But I admit I do get frustrated when I don’t see it having an effect on my body, I hope someday I can be okay with not seeing any changes. Thanks for the food for thought!

        P.S. I love your username :D

        1. ThatGirl*

          I think we are in similar boats. I haaaaated gym class, I am not coordinated, lousy at team sports, hate to run. And I’m currently a size 16 and wish I had appreciated my body more when I was younger. But we can’t undo the past, and getting regular exercise I *do* enjoy has absolutely helped. I will probably never be much thinner, but I can feel strong and healthy. It doesn’t have to help you lose weight to be good for you.

          I do want to say, though, that all bodies are good (or at least neutral) even if you can’t or don’t want to exercise.

        2. UKDancer*

          Me too I always thought I was rubbish at sport and exercise at school. I wasn’t sporty, couldn’t hit a ball and was terrible at hockey, football, netball and anything in teams.

          It was only when I discovered dance in my 20s that I realised I loved dance and swimming and had no competitive instinct. So I was fine with activities I could do on my own.

      2. Asenath*

        I hated any and all kinds of team sports. I don’t react fast, except when I duck if I notice a ball heading towards me. So I hated exercise as a child. Eventually I looked a bit closer to home and realized that the swimming my family enjoyed and encouraged counted, and so did walking, even if I didn’t want to do the more exhausting long hikes that some of my relatives enjoyed. I even became willing to apply my “I’ll try anything” approach to exercise as well as other interests – yoga, karate, tai chi, aerobics of various kinds, and so on. Still all individual activities, of course. You’ll never fine me joining a recreational softball league. But I now know there are activities I like, even if some of them I only tried once.

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          Another surprisingly active thing to learn to do? Juggling. At first there was all that picking stuff up…. and then I decided to learn clubs, and some brands can be pretty heavy.
          Passing clubs, most fun ever!

        2. Lucy Skywalker*

          I totally have the same reaction when someone throws a ball in my direction! It is because I have a neurological disorder where I am unable to judge the speed of moving objects, so I always think the ball is moving much faster than it actually is and that it is going to whack me in the head.

      3. Random Biter*

        Include me on the I-HATED-gym or PE or whatever it was called at the time group. During childhood I was stick thin, all knees/elbows and gawky with it (the karma train has since reversed course in order to run over me and true to the female genetics of my family I am fat). I wasn’t one of the jocks or the gym teacher’s clique so it was a misery. When my daughter started refusing to go to gym class in high school I discovered she could take comparable classes at the local community college and get both high school AND college credit for it. No more trampoline/square dancing/vicious dodgeball, instead a self defense class. It amazes me that the powers that be in education don’t see why so many kids loathe gym class and FIX IT. /rant

    3. Service Dog*

      If you haven’t explored her work yet, Brene Brown does AMAZING research around shame and empathy. It’s been helping me reduce negative self talk (reduce, not eliminate…) because it doesn’t help. I consume far less glossy media, I focus on the things my body *can* do, and I let fatphobia sit with the owner instead of letting it projectile vomit all over my day.

      1. Random Name*

        I will check out her work, thank you for the suggestion! The ‘projective vomit’ part made me laugh out loud :D

        1. doubleplusgood*

          Brene Brown is amazing.

          I wonder if there are ways to find other positives. This may not be helpful so feel free to take it or leave it, but for example, my first thought as a larger person is that you have the best clothes options since you can shop at both regular and plus size stores! Neither larger or smaller folks have that option.

          1. Mimi*

            Unfortunately, in my experience that last bit isn’t actually true. It was *massively* easier to find clothes that made me feel good/looked good/remotely fit when I was a size 14 instead of sixe 16, and it’s worse at size 18 or more. And struggling to find clothes you feel good in doesn’t help with any of the other stuff.

    4. Batgirl*

      Do people commonly get accused of promoting obesity? That’s wild. I was watching a talk show where they were discussing some photography to showcase different body types and one of the pictures was a fabulous shot of a very big woman in a swimsuit, hands on hips, about to go into a lake. She looked incredible. One of the women on the show was made very uncomfortable by it and she parroted that line about promoting obesity. This had me scratching my head for a while! As if someone is going to look at that photo and dive into a refrigerator. If anything, it would make them more inclined to dive into a lake. I think of her from time to time as someone who is allergic to common sense and I had thought she was a rarer example than she must be.

      1. Random Name*

        Unfortunately yes! Maybe I’m hanging out in the wrong places haha. Love your take on it and I hope you don’t mind if I borrow the phrase ‘allergic to common sense’ :D

      2. Sunflower*

        Oh yes- I follow Self Magazine on IG and they recently had Jessamyn Stanley on the cover of an issue and the comments were so vile, short sighted and frankly disturbing. Some people in the fitness community issued some thoughts/videos that were truly insane coming from anyone, let alone people in a community who claim to be dedicated to everyone’s well being. I can’t remember the last time I’ve been so upset by something I’ve seen online.

        1. Potatoes gonna potate*

          That’s awful. I hate most health influencers. I have found a few good ones that take a sensible, reasonable approach and I’ll be happy to share if you’d like to know about them.

      3. Potatoes gonna potate*

        I love hte phrase allergic to common sense. But yes, sadly it seems to be way more common than you think. Look up any posts including Tess Holiday, Ashley Graham etc. Frankly, I think it’s just fatphobic BS. Lest I be a hypocrite because I’m pretty certain this kind of concern trolling isn’t aimed at anyone slender, I’m curious if anyone who was older in the 90s could speak to if this kind of rhetoric was around when “heroin chic” became famous.

        2. Lucy Skywalker*

          I was an adolescent in the 1990’s, and I was always either underweight or borderline underweight. I remember a few times when people thought I had an eating disorder (I didn’t) or told me that they were jealous of my skinny body. It always made me feel self-conscious. Seriously, people, don’t make casual comments about anyone’s body, whether they are fat or skinny.

      4. WS*

        Yes, any time someone dares to be fat (or even average size) in public and look happy, they’ll get accused of “promoting obesity”. It’s disgusting and demoralising, and I think that people who have devoted their entire lives to restrictive and miserable dieting really can’t deal with seeing someone fat enjoying themselves or looking happy or even being normal. I remember someone (who was about my size) who would pop up on a community I was on every time someone talked about eating and admonish them for not being “good”, and how people will think all fat people are terrible, so it’s not limited to thin people by any means.

        1. Batgirl*

          I think you’re on the money here. The woman in question did admit shed had her own food issues,and though she’d like to see “more average size” models, a fat and happy person was too powerful an image for her.

      5. I take tea*

        There was a maker of sportswear that got a lot of the “promoting obesity” nonsense when they rolled out a line of training clothes for bigger people. Because, you know, that’s logical.

      6. Observer*

        Do people commonly get accused of promoting obesity?

        ALL. THE. TIME.

        You are right. It makes absolutely no sense. But then again, if you read all of the other experiences, and look at the so called “science”, you will see that a lot about how we treat weight makes no sense.

    5. Asenath*

      I didn’t even know there was a term “body neutrality”! I went through a period many years ago when I had gained a lot of weight and really wanted to get at least some of it off. I got myself in a cycle of trying to lose (generally using fairly reputable methods, not fads), “failing” (because I gained a pound or two) and eating to celebrate or “succeeding” (because I lost a pound or two) and eating to celebrate, and beating myself up mentally whatever I did. And I had a lot of other bad stresses in my life at the time. One day I just decided I couldn’t do it any more. I quit all attempts at dieting (although I eventually began weighing myself at home weekly, which for some reason didn’t make me feel bad) because it wasn’t working – and also because I just didn’t have any energy left over for it. My weight did very gradually drift down over the years (and up, sometimes, but a net decrease) but I’m still fat. And I don’t really care any more. Letting go of the desperate struggles over a few pounds up and down was liberating, especially since it was tied so much to how I felt about myself. And I do what I want. I dress comfortably. I finally got back into exercise when I wanted to an was able to, including water fitness (I can’t possibly wear a swimsuit! But I discovered I could find one that fit, and actually wear it in public) and aerobics (Too hard on my joints because I’m so fat! But I found a group that’s willing to let me adapt movements and do what I can.) Letting go of the idea “Once I lose weight, I’ll…” was liberating that way, too.

    6. GoodForYou*

      Thank you for raising this. I just discovered Christy Harrison’s podcast Food Psych and have found it so helpful. She is very grounded in the Health at Every Size movement and calls herself “the anti-diet dietician”. She often has guests who are in different fields and they talk about a range of issues, not just nutrition or health but also stigma, how to treat yourself, etc. She also shares some really useful research about how long term weight loss from dieting is unsustainable, and how stigma and weight cycling (going up and down in weight from dieting) account for health issues seen in “overweight” people more than their actually size. I find it really healing and helpful and recommend to every one, not just people who live in bigger bodies or have struggled with food. Our culture fosters so much stigma around enjoying our bodies and food and almost all of us could use some counter messaging for that.

    7. Generalist*

      I strongly recommend the podcast Maintenance Phase, which is two clever, funny people dissecting fatphobia in its scientific and pop culture guises. Also, I have benefited a lot from the Facebook group Fit Fatties, although I think it’s not as useful as it was a few years ago.

      1. marvin the paranoid android*

        Maintenance Phase is so great! I picture Aubrey and Mike as little body-positive shoulder angels watching over us all.

      2. Aneurin*

        Echoing the recommendation for Maintenance Phase! Aubrey Gordon (one of the hosts) is also on Twitter and Instagram as @yrfatfriend – I find it helpful to follow body neutral/HAES/fat acceptance/etc. accounts on Instagram because it puts a wider range of body shapes/sizes in front of my eyeballs than I’d otherwise come across in (social) media. I like @unlikelyhikers (on IG) because they post a people in a range of bodies (fat/trans/BIPOC) enjoying the outdoors, which helps reinforce the notion that movement for fun isn’t just for skinny people. They also re-post a lot of posts so they sort of come with in-built recommendations of other accounts to follow.

        (In the gentle nutrition/intuitive eating space I like @alissarumseyrd and @thenutritiontea, both are in straight-sized bodies but have really helped me think differently about body size/weight and food.)

    8. Jay*

      I like the suggestion to catch the negative thoughts about other people and counter them – I’ve done much the same thing and find it really makes a difference. When I’m out among people I challenge myself to find one nice thing to think about everyone I see. It makes me much more cheerful, if nothing else!

      When I first started working on this I was very fat (I’ve since had bariatric surgery to regain my mobility). I started following fat fashion bloggers – this was before Instagram. They looked awesome. That community really helped me change my sense of what was possible and change my approach to clothes even before I lost weight. Look for one or two on Insta and follow the people they follow and hey presto! You will have gorgeous photos of people of all different sizes in y0ur social media feed!

      The other thing that helped me, as hokey as it sounds, was starting an affirmation practice. For a while I did three affirmations daily and one had to be about my body. It was HARD at the beginning and I thought it was bunk but my therapist insisted and she was right.

    9. I edit everything*

      I used to really struggle with the admonition to “love your body,” until I realized what it really means. It doesn’t mean “always think positively about the way your look and feed.” It means treat your body with love. Care for it, give it the things it needs to be healthy, and be good to it.

      I’m still working on it, and maybe that’s not “body neutrality,” a phrase I’m not familiar with, since love isn’t neutral. And it’s a hard thing to do. We get so many messages about “bettering yourself” and how to “improve.” But I’m getting there.

    10. marvin the paranoid android*

      My body issues have mostly been more related to transness than size, so please skip over this if it’s not relevant enough. To my mind, there is quite a bit of resonance (and intersection) between the experiences, so I’m hoping this might be helpful to someone. The two things that I personally found most helpful in accepting my body are:

      1) Making peace with the fact that my body would never be normative and that some people would always take issue with it. This is obviously a struggle to do, and an ongoing process, but once I stopped trying to force myself to somehow fit into normative body standards that were not meant for me, everything immediately got a lot easier.

      2) Seeking out representation of people who look like me and admiring the hell out of them. I can’t overstate how transformative this has been for me, just being able to see myself reflected in other people out in the world who are so beautiful. This is something I’ve had to actively work to find because the representation is pretty thin on the ground, but it’s so worthwhile.

    11. Smol Book Wizard*

      Following for advice, offering solidarity. Sounds like your situation is similar to mine.
      I am blessed in that the fanbase of one of my favorite shows (Critical Role) has a lot of good art of curvy, not-flat female characters. I’m a rather odd person, I suppose, but I think that’s the part I find the most helpful – seeing that the cool fictional girls I love so much do not have flat stomachs either, nor would fit in the sizes I regret no longer fitting into. For those of us who aren’t into fandoms, maybe try looking up “body positive art” of women in sports, or business clothes, or onstage in theater productions, whatever one prefers?

    12. Katie*

      Just saw a discussion over at Smart Bitches, Trashy Books about “counterprogramming with fat romances.” I’ll share the link below. I think having more (positive) representation of all body sizes and types helps with body neutrality.

    14. Fiona*

      I don’t know if you are a woman or femme but if you are, something that helps me is to remember how infrequently men are told to love their bodies or appreciate their bodies or to remember that their bodies are beautiful. Men and masculinity is policed in other toxic ways, but for the most part, their bodies are looked at as neutral tools. When I think about it, it actually makes me angry to think of the time I waste thinking about my body when I could be thinking about books, friends, politics, celebrity gossip, how the clouds look today, music, whatever. It feels better to be angry and a little self-righteous than to spend all my time telling myself to love my body. Body neutrality has been really helpful to me personally because there’s just way less pressure to feel a certain way.

      1. allathian*

        Yes, this. I think I’ve embraced body neutrality before I learned the term. I’m fat, and I’ve accepted that I’ll probably always be fat. But my husband loves me just the way I am, and if being fat and middle-aged makes me invisible to other people, I don’t particularly care. The only time I worry about my size is when I go to the doctor. Most have been reasonably decent, but there’s the one who brought up my weight when I went in to get antibiotics for a sinus infection. I complained to the clinic about that, and I don’t much care if it gets me a reputation of being a “difficult patient” as long as I get the care I need.

        1. doubleplusgood*

          I found some medical studies about how doctors mistreat fat folks and keep printouts in my car to take with me to appointments now. I’ve only had to pull them out once so far and it helped. I used to work in academia and thought I’d try something peer-reviewed since docs probably get their share of weird stuff people looked up on the internets.

        2. ThatGirl*

          I hadn’t been to my primary care dr for a few years and I went last summer and immediately remembered why. I’m healthy – all of my labs are in normal ranges, cholesterol, bp, etc. but yes, I’m heavy and I gained some weight over the last 3 years – who hasn’t? (And it was like… 12 lbs over 3 years). And this very thin doctor immediately gave me a whole condescending talk about eating better and exercising more like I’d never heard of a vegetable. Even jumped to weight-loss drugs. I was so annoyed and frustrated and couldn’t say anything because I was afraid of bursting into tears. But I definitely need to switch doctors. I’m still mad about it.

          1. allathian*

            I’m sorry that happened to you. I hope you can find a doctor soon who understands that you can be both fat and healthy.

    15. University Schlep*

      Check out Intuitive Eating which sounds like it is more about the eating component of diet mentality, but it is about rejecting diet mentality including respecting and learning to love the body you have right now.

      Realize that it is a process and is non-linear.

  6. anon for this*

    I wanted to thank everyone who replied to my post last week about accessing therapy in the UK. I wasn’t able to send individual replies over the weekend, but I read the comments and I’m grateful for every single one. Everyone has been helpful in exactly the way I needed.

    I found a self-referral link to NHS services I’d have had no idea I could access before last week. In the spirit of starting from the simplest step I can take, before I lose momentum or start telling myself “it’s not that bad”, I signed up.

    Knowing workplace healthcare benefits may cover therapy was also really useful. I’m job hunting, and this is helping me evaluate potential employers in a different light (I’m physically healthy and never used my current workplace’s benefit, but the small company that offers no healthcare at all became immediately less attractive when I realised therapy may become an expense I want to make).

    So thank you, wonderful people, from this internet stranger who feels a little less clueless now. It means a lot that you shared your experience with me.

  7. Cj*

    My father-in-law’s funeral is at 3 this afternoon. The Funeral Home charges includes a $100 honorarium to be paid to the pastor. I’m wondering if this is enough.

    They added a $75 honorarium for the organist, and all they have to do is show up for an hour, play one hymn, and I suppose also some intro and exit music. The pastor, on the other hand, spent a half hour on the phone with my husband re what my FIL was like, and has to write and then deliver the message. My in-laws little church that they went to closed several years ago, so this isn’t even a pastor from a church that they attended.

    Should we give the pastor more, and if so any idea how much? It’s probably relevant that we are in rural Minnesota. I’m sure people’s don’t give as much as they do in larger/more expensive communities.

    1. LibraryCat*

      My partner is a clergy-person. He gets around $275 (USD) when he does services through an ecumenical organization he participates in. When contacted directly from his church it varies more widely. You’re correct that their time investment is more significant than the service itself. You can provide an additional tip or honorarium given directly at the service and it will be most appreciated.

      1. Camelid coordinator*

        I did a funeral in December, and this is exactly how the family did it. They gave me a card at the end of the services, which I was not expecting.

    2. Pineapple in hiding*

      The organist will have spent years practicing in order to become a professional musician, to be able to play the hymns and entrance/exit music, and spent a lot of money on lessons to reach that standard. It isn’t a question of “just showing up”.

      1. ecnaseener*

        Yes, but the pastor also had years of schooling. The question isn’t whether the organist is overpaid, but whether the pastor is underpaid.

      2. Cj*

        I definitely didn’t mean to dismiss the organists skill. I was strictly testing about the time commitment.

        1. Cj*

          If we do decide to give more, which I think we will, we were planning to put it in a card to give it to them at the end of the service like you suggested.

          That’s how it used to be done around here before the funeral home started adding something to their charges. I think they did that because some people were giving nothing or way too little to the clergy and organist.

          I’m not sure everyone knows they are supposed to be giving an honorarium. How are you going to learn this unless you have been around other family members planning a ceremony of some sort? And what if you have been, but those family members didn’t know to give an honorarium? So I definitely have no problem with the funeral home adding the charges is directly.

    3. Liza_jacks*

      Also from rural Midwest, and I think both are too low. We sent thank you card to pastor and organist with total of $200-300. They both had travel, prep, practice time plus the service. My condolences.

      1. Cj*

        Travel time does count, but in this case it’s only a few miles from their homes to this location of the service.

        He has been cremated, and it will be dark when the service is over, so there is nothing at the cemetery. Thank goodness because it’s pretty darn cold out. 15 above instead of 15 below like it was earlier this week, but still.

        I think we will give a card with $50 – $ 100 cash in it.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      Rural America here, I think area matters. I think those amounts are fine. And I think if you want to do more that is fine also. Additionally you could consider making a donation to the church later on.

    5. Minneapolis Mom*

      You can always add more! I will say our church, where I work as a pastor, coordinates directly with several funeral homes to set fees. They collect for the church most times. I know many pastors see helping families in grief as a major part of their call. I always want to make it affordable for families, so $100 is about usual for me in Minneapolis.

    6. o_gal*

      You can always give them more, but as other people have pointed out, the organist is not just showing up to play 1 hymn. They may be consulting with the pastor to determine which pieces to play that will be appropriate. For example, if you discussed how much your Father loved the outdoors and animals, they may choose to play “Let All Things Now Living”. They may also be playing more pieces than you are aware. They will probably be playing some background music during the service, which again I’m guessing they will try to make appropriate to your Father’s life.

      1. Cj*

        Other than a congregational hymn of the families choosing, I’ve never been to a funeral where the other music is anything besides the standard music funeral of that denomination. They will play some instrumental music maybe five minutes before the service starts but people know to be seated, the hymn, and I don’t know if they’ll even play anything at the end since he’s cremated so there will be no carrying of the casket out. I’ve never been to a service where they’re playing background during music yet, either. Possibly a regional or denominational difference

        I think the organist absolutely deserves the $75 that they we’ll be getting as an honorarium. But I don’t think it is to little, either, which is why I didn’t ask the question if we should give them additional.

        For additional reference, I do payroll reports for a Church. They have three organists that rotate, and they only get $35 per service. Other than the 20 – 30 minute sermon, they are playing almost constantly during the one-hour service counting several hymns, the liturgy, and before and after the service.

    7. Generic Name*

      If the family can afford it, I would absolutely increase the amount. If you can’t, that’s okay.

    8. Admiral Thrawn Is Blue*

      Former long time church admin assistant here. The $100 is enough, believe me. While of course pastors need to be paid, they are also following their calling to comfort the bereaved. You are good.

      1. ThatGirl*

        Pastor’s kid here, let’s not dismiss the physical and financial needs of pastors. Yes, it’s a calling, but it’s also a job. Give more if you can.

        1. Cj*

          That was my thought too, especially since my father-in-law a member of the congregation of the pastor who will be doing the service.

      2. Sloan Kittering*

        I would have thought that the pastor’s salary from the church was inclusive of providing funeral services to members, while the organist has presumably more specific duties that might not include this. But I’m always in support of paying people’s labor. And if you’re/the decedent not a member of this pastor’s church then it makes even more sense to pay extra, as you do for weddings.

        1. Cj*

          My father-in-law is not a member of the congregation because their Church closed a few years ago, and at that point they were at an age where it was hard for them to get to church anyway.

          I mentioned above that I do payroll for a church. The pastor’s there are paid an additional hundred dollars for funerals, weddings, Etc by the church itself. I’m not sure if the funeral was for a member of that church oh, if they give extra or not.

    9. PastorJen*

      As my username suggests, I’m a pastor. I serve a small church in Texas and regularly officiate at funerals. My church has set fees for different aspects of funerals, one of which is the minister’s honorarium, which they set at $200. I always waive my honorarium and I tell the family that. If they give me money anyway, I give it to the church. I do this because I’m already paid a salary by the church and consider funerals to be part of my work. Additionally, I am privileged and since this is a second career for me, I have savings and do not need the extra income as much as many pastors do. That having been said, many pastors could use the extra money, as pastors at most small churches are not paid a lot (most small churches cannot afford to pay high salaries) and many have student loans from seminary/grad school to consider, as well. If you can afford to give more generously than $100, I’m sure the pastor would appreciate it. Also, I’m very sorry to hear about your father-in-law.

    10. Texan In Exile*

      For our wedding 13 years ago in a Milwaukee suburb – which I am comparing to a funeral only in the sense that it required prep time and event time with a pastor, we gave the pastor $400. I can’t remember if that included the building fee. (I don’t think it would have been unreasonable to charge a separate fee for building use – we used electricity and bathrooms, etc.)

    11. I edit everything*

      This is how it’s done in our area. The funeral home handles the $100, so my clergy spouse always gets a little envelope from the funeral director with a check for $100. Sometimes the family gives additional, usually in a card. It tends to be those families for whom my spouse did a lot of visits and counseling and support along the way, not just after death. He would be very surprised to get extra from a family he doesn’t know, for whom he only did the funeral.

      He never asks for money; the funeral home’s payment is automatic, and the family would have to go out of their way to cancel it. But extra is always appreciated in our household.

      Also, here’s a secret: At least for him, it’s much easier to write a eulogy for someone he didn’t know than for someone he did. Also, for some reason, funerals tend to pop up just when an extra $100 would be particularly useful.

    12. RagingADHD*

      I’m very sorry about your FIL.

      I wrote out a whole thing about honoraria for church funerals and then re-read the question. If the funeral home is running the whole service, and the pastor is just coming in to speak, then $100 is fine, but more is always appreciated, of course.

      The pastor does a lot more of the “event coordinating” at a church funeral, so in that case I’d recommend $250 or more.

    13. ronda*

      being of catholic upbringing, we made a donation to the church rather than to the priest. but I do think giving more is definitely a nice gesture. give what you can afford.

    14. Cj*

      Thank you to everybody who answered my question.

      We were almost late to the funeral home because we have problems getting the picture printed out at Walgreens that we wanted to display at the funeral. We didn’t have time to get a card, and since we didn’t have a card with us, we forgot to give the pastor extra. But she is going to be at the cemetery when the urn is buried on Tuesday (which we didn’t realize she would be), so my husband is going to give her a card with $100 cash in it then.

  8. Service Dog*

    Folks with service dogs, especially for invisible illnesses… how?

    My partner is a 100% disabled vet with PTSD and anxiety. Our dog helps him a ton but likely wouldn’t pass service dog training due to his own anxious temperament (7 year old rescue).

    If you have a service dog, how did you start that process?
    Did you self train?
    What was the cost?
    Are there any programs you recommend?

    The VA covers the cost of a service dog and I made a giant list of programs but we’re still a bit overwhelmed. And I think my partner is struggling with the optics of not “looking” sick as someone in their 30s.

    Any tips or pitfalls we should be considering?

    1. No Name Yet*

      I don’t know anything about the logistics/costs of service dogs, other than I think most people find the process overwhelming – you’re certainly not alone in that!

      In terms of optics/stigma – I’ve worked in VA mental health for over 10 years, and over that time there has been an increasing number of vets your husband’s age using services dogs for mental health conditions. A lot of them have certainly had the same initial concerns he has, but my sense is that there is much more recognition of how service dogs can be helpful for folks with invisible disabilities now compared to 10 years ago.

      1. Service Dog*

        This is a very reassuring perspective, thank you! I think a trained dog would do wonders for his willingness to leave the house, be around people, reduce anxiety in crowded spaces etc.

    2. Dwight Schrute*

      So if you want self train it’s a ton of work, you’d need to carefully select a dog from someone with a proven line who has the size and temperament needed for service dog work and they still have a high washout rate because service dogs need to be bomb proof. Because of this, I’d highly suggest working with a program. Most dogs aren’t cut out for service dog work and that’s ok. It’s also hard to start with a puppy because realistically they won’t be a reliable service dog until they’re around 2, so another benefit of working with a program is being matched to a dog who is proven and ready to work. I hope you find one that fits your needs and helps your partners mental health :)

      1. Service Dog*

        Completely agreed! Hoping to go with a program and am nudging him to start now because the waitlists are crazy long.

    3. SofiaDeo*

      What will you need the dog to do? That will help determine if a small dog is OK, or if a larger one is needed. Mine wakes me from nightmares as well as alerts me/helps calm me to incipient panic attacks. Since he needs to sleep with me, he is small (11 lbs). An Army vet friend with epilepsy from TBI also has a small dog, since he also needs to wear his in a chest bag in order to keep his drivers license (petit mal seizures, he just needs to pull over/sit quietly waiting for the seizure to pass). If your partner needs a dog to physically hold him down, you will need a larger breed. IMO a smaller dog will cause less optics “issues” in many public situations since they are less noticeable: mine sits in the kiddie basket in grocery carts (inside a throw, so the dog doesn’t touch the cart), next to me (on a crate pad I carry in) on bench seats in restaurants, and my buddy has his sit in his lap in movies. Larger breeds can’t easily go unnoticed.
      Since I have an education background, the training service gave me lesson plans to work with my dog. Due to the nature of my needs, and my teaching ability, I could self-train, but this won’t be possible for everyone.
      I paid under $1K a decade ago, I think my friends’ dog was $6K if I remember correctly. The VA paid for his.

      1. Service Dog*

        Panic attacks and to sleep with. So we might be able to have a smaller dog. Thank you for the advice!!

    4. Sabine the Very Mean*

      Look up Paws And Stripes in Albuquerque and get an idea of the type of org you’re looking for in your region.

      1. Service Dog*

        We are on New England with several great options like NEADS. It’s all a bit overwhelming to be honest so I appreciate folks sharing their experience and advice!

        2. SofuaDeo*

          FWIW, my small dog often goes unnoticed unless he moves. Many a person in a store has thought he was a stuffed animal in the cart. Also, I am allergic to dogs and got a hypoallergenic Bichon Frise. (You need an intelligent breed before even testing for ability to be a Service Dog. And breeds that don’t readily bark are easier to train IMO too) So no shedding, no one nearby sneezing if they are also allergic. And carrying a throw or crate pad inside places is key in keeping mine close to me without pushback from staff. He’s not on their seat, he’s on a pad. I can’t have him way down on the floor in a store or restaurant anyway, he is too small to properly alert from down there. So the throw in a grocery cart counteracts statements like “your dog can’t be in the cart”; my response is, “he’s not in the cart, he’s in a blanket and my dog is much cleaner than some kid with a poopy diaper.” For restaurants, a small crate pad that’s in his car seat anyway lets him sit next to me on a bench seat. It also works for outdoor restaurants when he IS on the ground, these places often have more room than inside many restaurants. My dog knows the pad is “his spot” and it’s easy to position him exactly where I want him, and he stays cleaner. Individual chairs are more difficult, and we never can do a small 2 person table unless outside in a corner or otherwise out of the way. Again, I need him close and the floor is generally too far. As well as too dirty, I don’t actually want my dog on the floor in most stores or restaurants. I actually have 2 crate pads in his car seat; one is used on the ground, the other isn’t. I am also immune compromised and have to be germ conscious.

    5. Lizy*

      No help on the dog, but just wanted to say mine is 100% PTSD, too. It’s taken years – and he (and I) still struggle with the optics of it. Honestly, getting 100% was one of the things that made us both realize that he really does have a disability and just because it’s not visible doesn’t mean it’s not real, and that our coping mechanisms are just that, and not necessarily how “normal” people live. I think it’s helped that we’re seeing more vets his/our age, and that it’s being talked about more. So good luck, and keep your head up.

  9. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Writing thread! How is everyone’s writing going?
    As usual, this thread is not limited to fiction writing, any writing goes.

    Last week I got some comments thanking me for starting these threads almost every week for so long, and you are all very welcome :) I hadn’t even realised I’ve been doing these for so long until Woodswoman Writes mentioned it.

    1. river*

      Mine is going well atm. I’m editing and trying to really get clear focus on the main theme. I don’t decide the theme ahead of time, I like to let it emerge, but this story is twice as complicated as my usual ones, so it’s been unclear. I’ve got it now, so I’m pruning and shaping to make it a bit more obvious. It wasn’t the exact theme I was expecting, it was just to one side of where I was aiming, but funnily enough it’s just what I need for my own life right now.

    2. Jellyfish*

      A research article I co-wrote got through the peer review process and cleared for publication this week, so I am very excited!

    3. Maryn B.*

      My former Real-Life writing group never worked online because one member has no internet at home. We continue to swap emails talking books and writing as well as our personal lives, which she may not see for a week or more, when she visits a family member with the internet.

      But this week, she sent a writing prompt based on something that I’d mentioned in an email (getting stuck in a car wash, no phone signal in there to call for assistance) and I set aside my novel series and wrote a short play about someone getting stuck someplace. It was different, and fun, quite a nice change.

      So if you’ve been writing One Thing for a while, let yourself have a break and write something short that’s not related. It’s invigorating.

    4. Liane*

      I have an editing gig! And I got over my latest bout of writer’s block so I can get a bit ahead on blog writing before I get the editing piece.

    5. beep beep*

      I haven’t previously talked about my work specifically to anyone I know since it’s very…niche, but this week I found out a friend does professional editing and another friend mentioned their interest in my subject and they’ve both given me some great positive feedback! I’m very pleased, even if my output this week hasn’t been the best.

    6. beentheredonethat*

      I started writing 5 years ago and found the first 18 pages. It is a murder mystery in a little town and it includes the odd relationships and prejudices. It’s one of those things where this little town and people and their families and generations all just sort of walked in my mind. I am trying to write at least 3 pages a week starting now. I will let you know next Saturday how it goes. Thanks for the thread, giving me incentive to try again.

    7. WoodswomanWrites*

      I added a new blog post. It’s been ages since I’ve felt this motivated to write frequently.

      The challenge is that most of my writing recently has been nature oriented. Sometimes I feel like I could just write, “I love nature and taking photos of nature. The end.” I’ve written about other topics, but it’s been a while and it would be good to not be repetitive. Unless I’m creating something I think others would be interested in–rather than “look at me just because”– it’s not worth putting out there.

      I’m glad you know you’re appreciated for posting this thread. :)

    8. Seeking Second Childhood*

      For irrelevant reasons, I found myself opening up my old livejournal this week. It’s been so long that I don’t remember what I was writing, and I am pleasantly surprised to find out that I enjoyed reading it. What I do with that discovery may belong more on a Friday post.

  10. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Gaming thread! What’s everyone been playing this week? As usual, this is not limited to video games so feel free to talk about any kind of game you want including phone games and board games. Also feel free to ask for recommendations or help identifying a vaguely remembered game.

    I haven’t had much gaming time this week, but I’ve set aside this weekend to get some done! Hopefully if I remember I actually have something to say this weekend, and otherwise it’ll be for next weekend’s thread.

    1. Clodagh*

      Been playing Death Stranding a LOT. Absolutely terrible and tedious storyline, but tootling around the place delivering cargo is oddly enjoyable!

    2. Sapphire (they/them)*

      I started playing The Outer Worlds a couple weeks ago, and I think I’m going to pick it up a bit this weekend. It’s a lot of fun so far, and I like the character creation, but it’s very much a late-stage capitalism satire, complete with its own looming pandemic so I have to take breaks. I’m also feeling very conflicted about the decision I just made.

      I also picked up What Remains of Edith Finch from a suggestion on this thread and it’s a really cool adventure game. It’s been helping me with my own grief.

      And then of course the Wordle bug bit my friends circle so I’ve been partaking. It’s a nice morning ritual to have a little word puzzle with my morning coffee.

        1. Koala dreams*

          It’s a bit of bluffing involved. You see other people’s cards but not your own. All the cards have fruits on them, not only Durian but bananas and things. You take turns drawing cards and put in the middle, and there’s a little bell involved too.

    4. SparklingBlue*

      I’m hopeful I will get Pokemon Legends: Arceus soon–I’m more excited about the gameplay, and don’t get why everyone’s mad over the graphics–they can’t all be Zelda or Skyrim

    5. Nicki Name*

      I’ve been playing Seven Wonders Architects since it just got added to Board Game Arena, and… I think I might finally have gotten the hang of it?

    6. ampersand*

      We’ve been playing a lot of the dice game That’s Pretty Clever! (It’s originally a German game called Ganz Schön Clever.) Has anyone else played? It’s a quick and fun game. I’ve been varying my strategies to figure out how to increase my score and win–using different strategies is part of the appeal for me.

      My husband and I also still need to finish up our last couple of games of Pandemic Legacy. Also a fun one–we started in mid-2020 (ha) and lately we’ve only played sporadically because real-life pandemic has gotten in the way, but we’re almost done.

    7. The Dude Abides*

      Glad that I don’t have to tear up any decks after the new bans, and still working on piecing together cycle storm.

      Did pick up some more signed cards off eBay, just waiting on those to come in.

    8. Jackalope*

      My husband just got me a copy of Xenoblade Chronicles and I started that this week. Anyone else played it before? I feel like it has potential but I’m having a really hard time with the combat. There are a million things you can do and I’m not sure how to do most of them, plus I’m frustrated by the fact that you can’t really control any of the characters, and you can only control one of them to any extent at all. For example I was using a character besides the main one as the party leader and the other two kept dying because the main character never ever used his healing papers which only he has, even though this would have been a reasonable thing for the AI to have him do when someone was at low HP. At least there are a bunch of things you can pick up scattered around everywhere which I’m having fun with.

      1. Garden Pigeons*

        I’m playing through it now (third attempt – didn’t finish either of the last two) and finding it more manageable. A couple of thoughts:

        – you don’t have to switch up the character in the lead, and some have worse AI control than others. I mostly play as Shulk.
        – doing sidequests gets you more levels and better gear that makes life easier – especially completing Collectapedia sections, which I think often gives strong armour.
        – you can use Casual Mode (makes everything easier) or Expert Mode (doesn’t make anything harder – just gives you more control of levels). I’m playing with Expert Mode, so in areas I find OK I can stay at the same level as enemies, and keep getting lots of experience from battle, then in the regions with fiddlier combat mechanics I can boost the party leader to six levels above the enemies, and they all avoid me so I can focus on plot or trinket collecting.
        – When to use Speed/Shield/Purge etc. can be tricky to remember, but Arts that are particularly good to use at the moment are highlighted with ! as a hint.

        Hope that all helps! How far are you?

        1. Jackalope*

          I’m at the first large-ish quest right at the beginning, the one where you go explore a nearby cave with Reyn. That’s part of the problem is that I’m still so early in the game. (Also that you use every single blasted button on the controller and I’m not used to battles that are so involved.) I didn’t know that I could switch into expert mode; I’ll have to figure that out. And I’ve started on some of the side quests; a ton of side quests always make me feel a bit scattered, because I want to go romping off after them all instead of focusing on any one of them. But I’ve completed a few so far and that’s helped.

          1. Garden Pidgeons*

            I should say that Expert Mode is a thing in the Switch version; if you’re playing Wii or 3DS I don’t think it’s there.

            My approach with sidequests is to run around and talk to everyone in a town and get all the quests, then run out and do them all – you’ll run into the collectibles you need for quest B while looking for the monsters you need for quest A and so on, so your “go romping off after them all” approach is actually pretty good!

        2. Jackalope*

          Another response (my first one seems to have been caught for review for some reason): is there a way to make the non-party-leader characters tend to pick a certain skill in battle? One of my frustrations playing as Reyn is that Shulk will never heal as the non-leader even if he or someone else is dying. Likewise, if I play as Shulk then Reyn won’t do the whole drawing aggro thing he’s allegedly in battle to do even if everyone else is low on HP and it would make sense. I know some games have an option where you can tell the AI to focus on defense, offense, or whatever; does this game have that?

          1. Garden Pidgeons*

            There’s nothing exactly like that feature in other games, but there are a few things you can do:

            – levelling up the arts you want to use helps, because it reduces their cooldown and makes it available for use more often. (I do find it hard to track what’s going on in a fast-paced battle, but often if someone isn’t using the move I want, I suspect it’s because they used it thirty seconds ago – e.g. to heal someone else – and it hasn’t recharged yet.)
            – you can unequip arts (there’s a Remove button), so if you remove the ones you don’t want, the ones you do are more likely to be used.
            – if Shulk has a vision of an enemy attack, the party leader can warn other characters (A “Press B to warn Reyn” thing appears when you get near them) which lets you pick an Art to use to heal/draw aggro/put the enemy to sleep/etc.
            – you can Chain Attack when the blue bar at the top-left fills up, which lets you pick an attack for each character. Not something you can do in every battle, but good for tough enemies/bosses to do Break/Topple/Daze and knock them over.

    9. DarthVelma*

      I’m still working my way through Destiny 2 content that will be going away with the new Witch Queen expansion. I’m finally getting high enough level that I feel useful in group events. Even helped carry several low level players this weekend in Override and Blind Well. And I had the single best run of Dares of Eternity I’ve had so far. Just went off on Friday night. It was nice to feel not just competent, but actually like I’m pretty good at this game.

      This morning I finally got serious about inventory management. I was doing pretty good about deleting weapons where I had multiples…but the armor in my vault had gotten out of control. I set myself some strict guidelines and started wholesale deleting stuff. Totally worth it so I could stop worrying about my vault space limit all the darn time. :-)

    10. Doctor is In*

      Forza Horizons 5. Like FH 4 but set in Mexico! Love driving on interesting terrain with no consequences for collisions, etc.

    11. Seeking Second Childhood*

      In Guild Wars 2, it’s Lunar New Year festival. My favorite part of the game, especially now that I’ve finally gotten the hang of DragonBall.
      I can’t stay on long because my hands cramp up, so festival dailies are perfect.

    12. Kimmy Schmidt*

      A friend set up a Call of Cthulhu one-shot roleplaying game this week, and it was a lot of fun. I got to play as the wealthy benefactor for the paranormal crime fighting society! I’ve played a lot of DnD but never done any other RPG.

    13. Free Meerkats*

      I spent a big chunk of the weekend uninstalling and reinstalling my Blizzard games. Updates stalled and left everything unplayable, so I just blew it away and started over. Now getting games set back up the way I like.

      And I’m still cussing Blizzard that they didn’t make D2R available for Mac!

  11. Disco Janet*

    My car is getting pretty old (07 with 200k miles) and I’ve been researching what I want to replace it with. Going to be my first time purchasing a new car instead of used and I’m a bit intimidated by the prices, but with the used car market being so bad right now, buying new just makes more sense for my needs. It’s just more than I’ve ever spent on a vehicle, so I’m extra nervous about making the right decision.

    Curious how others are with this – when you’re car shopping, do you test drive a whole bunch? Just a few? If you have a clear favorite from your research, do you just test drive that one and then buy it if you like it? I hate the actual shopping at the dealership part but don’t want to rush my decision (and make a bad one!) just to shorten that part of the process.

    And if anyone has a reasonably priced not too huge SUV that they love, I’m open to suggestions (although I think I have my list narrowed down.) Trying to keep it to around 25k. Replacing a Ford Edge – open to all makes/brands though. I’ve finally released myself of caring about the community peer pressure and rude bumper stickers about what make my car is. (Is that a thing elsewhere or just here in the Motor City area?)

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      That’s a Detroit thing mostly :-P you’ll sometimes see the tacky Calvin peeing on logo bumper stickers on giant pickup trucks in other places, but not as often now I don’t think.

      I (despite growing up just a shade west of the motor city :-P ) have been a Honda gal for probably ten years now, and I love my CR-V. He’s my second – the first one got totaled by a texting teenager, and the officer who responded to the accident thought he’d be calling an ambulance to rush me in when he saw the condition of my car (smashed between the teenager’s sedan in the back and the Dodge Ram in front of me; we’d been stopped at a light and he hit me going 55). However, between the safety ratings of the CRV and probably a little divine providence, I walked away with a hairline fracture of one rib and that’s it – not even any bumps, bruises or whiplash. Three days later I replaced her with another one, one year newer. He’s big enough for my family of three and 110 pounds worth of dogs, but doesn’t drive like a behemoth, which was important to me. (Before I started driving Hondas I drove a Smart for five years :-P )

      1. Turtle Dove*

        I can second the recommendation for CR-Vs and Hondas in general. (And I’m also a Michiganian!) It’s all about reliability and longevity in my family, and Honda delivers. Our Honda Accord from around 2000 still runs — barely, to be fair. We’ve had our CR-V for nine years without problems. If we get another SUV, it’ll be a Honda.

        1. Quiet Liberal*

          I third Hondas. We bought a new Honda Fit in 2007 for its excellent gas mileage. We gave it to our son when he graduated from college and it still runs great. It has ~190k miles on it. The interior isn’t one bit luxurious, but the engine is Honda all the way.

          We are on our third Subaru since 1998. We compared lifetime cost of ownership among many makes of cars and our current Outback came out on top at the time. Also, whenever we buy cars and have the research done on what to buy (we buy new), we buy a Consumer Reports report on the particular car that tells us what a fair price to pay in our market is.

          1. Quiet Liberal*

            I guess I should have pointed out that you can compare lifetime cost of ownership for various makes and models at Edmunds.com.

      2. The Dogman*

        You were really lucky you were not in that smart car when the teenager hit you!

        CRV’s are tough and well made. I personally recommend the Suzuki Vitara, but I think that is not available in the USA though.

        Which is a shame as it is as big or slightly bigger than a CRV, 5 star Euro NCAP safety and does 70 miles to the gallon cruising too!

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          I actually got rear-ended by a semi and subsequently dragged a mile and a half down a highway in the Smart, and all we got from that one was three holes punched in the bumper, a blown tire, and the crockpot of green beans in the trunk tipped over and made a mess – no injury to me. They have pretty good safety ratings too, in part *because* they’re so small — the impact frame covers most of the car.

          I learned, in my years of driving the Smart, that people like to rag on them, but the people doing the ragging don’t usually know what they’re talking about. :P My bloodhound mix loved riding in it (and she got me out of a speeding ticket in it once, the officer forgot what he was doing because he was so busy snuggling her ears and letting her lick his face off); I only upsized when I got a second dog, because then me, partner and both dogs didn’t fit in the car anymore :)

          1. Quiet Liberal*

            Ok, now I am going to remember your story and cringe every time a semi comes up behind me! Glad you made it ok.

            1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

              Depending on the mood I’m already in, I frequently get either real nervous or yell at my steering wheel when people get too close behind me, between semi dude and Stupid Dennis the Texting Teenager. :P (I saw Stupid Dennis coming, and KNEW he wasn’t going to stop because all I could see was the top of his head, so it was just that sense of inevitability. :P )

          2. The Dogman*

            I know smarts are ok for their size, but you were lucky that time too.

            If you get pushed in them its not too bad, but if there were a crush situation I would prefer to be in the CRV for sure.

            Glad you are good, and good one for having big dogs, also lucky you on that ticket too! I would like a bloodhound or cross but only once I move out the city, too busy here for that sort of dog really.

      1. Jay*

        We’ve owned four Fords in the past 10 years and loved every one. One Fusion sedan, three Cmax crossovers, all hybrids or plug-in hybrids, and they were AWESOME. Unfortunately, Ford is not making either any longer but if I could find a late-model used Cmax, I’d snap it up.

        1. Quiet Liberal*

          We are soulmates, Jay! We are on our third Ford F150 over 40+ years. Spouse and I come from long lines of faithful Ford truck owners. My Dad’s first was a 1938 Ford Pickup he bought in 1951. He had it until the late 60’s when he treated himself to a new one.

    3. Janet Pinkerton*

      I wrote something very long and detailed and somehow lost it so you’re getting the much abbreviated version, which is probably more helpful anyway.

      I test drove two small SUVs (a Subaru to try the brand (not enough zip) and a Porsche Macan because my friend insisted so I could experience both power and luxury in one vehicle (it was great but also $55k over budget)) in your shoes, then months later when my car bit it I bought a Honda Civic Sport hatchback without test driving it. It had more horsepower per ton than the Macan so I (my friend) knew it would have the power I wanted. I found a dealership that had it in red (two states away, people here hate color) and went there and bought it. And you know what? It’s great and I have no regrets about not test driving it.

      The key difference maker among my dealership experiences was how long the sales guy (always a guy) had been there. The Subaru guy had been there six months and clearly bounced from dealership to dealership and I got those gross car sales vibes. The Porsche dealership was a wild experience that isn’t really applicable to us mortals. And the Honda guy was (1) the general manager who (2) had been there for 20 years. (It was May 2020, staffing was limited.) And my experience with him was top-notch. So the key for me would be finding someone who has been there a long time, and don’t be afraid to cut bait with a salesperson who gives you bad vibes. Honestly, it was so easy and pleasant to buy my car that I legit just advise family and friends “drive to Honda of Turnersville, yes it’s in NJ but it’s worth it, talk to Min Chin (the GM), pick one there, it’s worth the drive because it’s such a good experience and their selection is unreal”.

      (Yes, I promise this is the short version, lol.)

      1. Sloan Kittering*

        I believe my state has a crappy extra registration fee for cars bought out of state. Glad that was not the case for you!

    4. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

      I’ll second the Honda CR-V. I had a 2007, but it’s fundamentally not too much different now other than having a new engine (which has gotten good marks for power and fuel economy). It was huge on the inside without driving like a big car or having a huge footprint, was a super-smooth and comfortable road trip car, got remarkably good gas mileage for a vehicle that could hold so much, and was completely trouble-free for the first 12 years I had it.

      My mother has a 2018 Nissan Rogue and has had a similar experience. Again, the 2022 model is fundamentally about the same.

      The only time I bought a new car, I bought the first one I drove because I was in love with it. I don’t think there’s a right or wrong answer here. Good luck!

    5. mreasy*

      I drive a tiny Fiat myself, but for the past two weeks had my mom’s Subaru Forester, and found it to be a real joy to drive. Even though it’s bigger, it’s quite maneuverable, and overall a great car. (She loves it too.) If you do decide what you want without a dealer, I can recommend Carvana, at least based on my experience! Prices were lower for what I bought than any dealer in the area & it was a breeze to shop. But of course only works if you don’t need to test drive. Good luck!

      1. Terri Rathburn*

        Second the Forestor. Excellent visibility, AWD, great light with the big sunroof, more ground clearance but not hard to get into, zippy enough, close for bad weather (northern lake-effect snow zone Michigan resident and a solid feel. Liked the CRV and RAV4 but the the Forestor felt more open and airy.

        1. the cat's ass*

          Currently driving my 3rd Subaru. Sturdy, good on gas, great visibility, handles well, roomy enough for a bunch of things/people. My previous one was a bit smaller, so I’ve had to adjust to parking a slightly longer car. But you have to adjust to that, anyway!

    6. Falling Diphthong*

      I have a Toyota Rav-4 that I like a lot. In my area it is the official car of dog walkers, which is how I picked it out to replace my official mom minivan (as driving around sports teams became less of my life).

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        (I swear I’m not saying this just because I was stanning Honda up above! :) ) If one isn’t already familiar with driving Toyotas, I would suggest test-driving them or even renting one for a few hours — I and my husband (and several friends) have all found in the course of pre-pandemic road trips that while a few minutes in a Toyota is no big deal, more than about a half hour in either the driver’s seat or the passenger seat results in significant back pain because of the way their lumbar support is structured being incompatible with our individual structures.

        I wouldn’t mention that if it was just a me thing, but a group of about eight people had to get really specific about how we planned out our caravanning – we had two Toyota drivers, and only one of them could drive on any particular trip, because the two of them were the only ones who could drive or ride shotgun in a Toyota without pain, and the rest of us all had to ride in either another car or the back seat.

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          I get it: I once rented a Ford sedan where my head brushed the ceiling, and I am 5’3″.

          So for OP: If you’re going to go with a different make of car, important to have test driven it and made sure it’s comfortable. I’m always thrilled when our rentals turn out to be Toyotas because I will know where the controls are. (I am sure learning a new system for each car is a brain-building challenge in the right circumstance, but the past few years rentals tended to be in stressful contexts where I really didn’t need one more challenge.)

      2. Clisby*

        I rented a Rav-4 once when my Kia Soul was in the shop, and really loved it. Not in the market right now, because my 2016 Kia doesn’t even have 40,000 miles on it, and it works just fine for us. If I were to go looking for a new car right now, I think the Rav-4 and Honda CR-V would be at the top of my list. I have no interest in anything larger than that.

    7. Llellayena*

      Keep an eye on who is having supply chain issues right now too. Minor insider knowledge, but Hyundai and Toyota aren’t as bothered by the chip shortage and should have a decent amount of stock. This might help with the prices. Branch out on color too. If you can get a car from the lot that’s not quite the color you want instead of ordering from the factory you might get better pricing.

      1. RussianInTexas*

        Local (big city) Hyundai dealer, all 6 I called, did not have a single Elantra on the lot, so YMMV.

      2. WoodswomanWrites*

        On the supply chain thing, my sister bought a new Subaru Crosstrek and the dealer said it would be at least two months before it arrived. I was pondering posting a thread much like this one, but my sister fortuitously offered to sell me her 2017 Subaru Crosstrek with low mileage just before my 2004 Outback bit the dust.

    8. Chauncy Gardener*

      We had a couple of VW Tiguans and they have been awesome! We did buy them new, but the previous year’s model, so the price was better. There is a ton of room in them and you can put some of the back seats down or all of them and fit a LOT back there. The mileage is decent, they handle REALLY well and if snow is an issue, they do well in the snow.
      We generally buy new, which I know isn’t “the norm,” but I’ll explain our thought process. We look at the overall cost of the vehicle per year, not including insurance or gas (since we tend to get the same type of vehicle so gas and insurance will be about the same). So if you buy a used vehicle, you have your payments (if you didn’t pay cash) and repairs and maintenance. If you buy a new vehicle, you have your payments (if you didn’t pay cash) and repairs and maintenance. This is where used tends to get more pricey than new. If you are getting new tires one year, then new brakes the next, or maybe both in one year, that’s where the cash out the door can be way more than a new vehicle.
      This is just our philosophy, and as with all free advice, take it for what’s it worth!! Good luck!

      1. Temp anon*

        Ha, I hadn’t refreshed the page before I posted my own rave review of the Tiguan below. Greetings, fellow Tiguan driver!

        1. Chauncy Gardener*

          Woot! I second all your comments below too. I forgot to mention the awesome seats. They have never aggravated my bad back either. Love our Tiguans!!

    9. Temp anon*

      We have a Subaru Forester and a VW Tiguan. I’ve previously had another Subaru as well. We live in a place where Subarus are one of the most popular vehicles because they’re so practical for cargo and for winter and rough-road driving. Ours is ok, but it’s not nearly as good as my VW Tiguan! I love that thing. Had it 7 years, no problems. Love the all-wheel drive, the engine, the handling. The seats are the most comfortable (I have back problems, and I can drive this cross-country with no discomfort). One thing I really appreciate is the sensible design of the dashboard controls – everything’s laid out really intuitively, just well-engineered from the user’s perspective. The Tiguan has every option I want. I plan to drive this one as long as possible and then maybe buy a new one someday. Truly, VW should put me in ads or something, because I just adore this vehicle and sing its praises to everyone.

      1. New car blues*

        Just went to the dealer yesterday to test drive Tiguan and they now have a slightly smaller version called Taos which I liked even more because of the space limit in my garage. BUT… the dealer wanted $2500 over sticker and I would have been lucky to get one in the next shipment whenever that may be coming. The Subaru dealership did not even have a car to test drive!

    11. fposte*

      I don’t really enjoy cars and I really hate car shopping. I don’t think that’s particularly unusual, either. Therefore my goal is to get something I can live with contentedly in my price range as quick as possible. That was especially true when I was replacing a car that was totaled, but even last year it was the same thing. I can go nuts with optimizing/maximizing and I’ve decided that for car shopping I need to satisfice instead.

      I’d been a Honda person, but I knew I wanted a hybrid this time, and I also found the Hondas in my range really ugly in the front, like some clunky sci-fi monster. I decided that a Prius (because of my back problems, in a trim with heated seats) was my top contender. There was only one car in town that met those terms, new or used, so I went out and drove it. I liked it fine and I knew selection was only going to get worse, so I bought it.

      I really like it, and it’s actually much more comfortable for long journeys than my old Civic (it’s quite possible a new Civic would be on par, because the old one was a teenager). I like it enough that when I discover a flaw–like the low-profile tires are ridiculously crap on snow, so I’ll probably get snow tires in future years even though we don’t get enough snow to be worth it if you have real tires–I’m inclined to forgive it.

      1. JSPA*

        Priuses in general drive badly in snow. Something about the weight distribution, I think. Shame, because (as you say) they’re overall very comfortable as well as green.

    12. Water Everywhere*

      I’m starting to look around for a new vehicle as well; this will be my second new purchase and here’s my approach:
      Budget – what payment amount & term am I comfortable with, keeping in mind other related expenses like fuel & regular maintenance.
      Essentials & options – decide what’s non-negotiable vs what would be nice to have.
      Reviews – I’ll have a general type of vehicle in mind and look at online reviews/ask owners of the different models available to narrow down my choice. Maybe even get a test drive from a willing friend.
      Online pricing – many brands have an online ‘build & price’ option so I’ll run through this for my top choices to see what options fit my budget.
      After all this I will get in touch with a dealership. I find that having done this research helps me more firmly stick to my budget & needs in the face of a persuasive salesperson.

    13. Also Cute and Fluffy!*

      “ Curious how others are with this – when you’re car shopping, do you test drive a whole bunch? Just a few? If you have a clear favorite from your research, do you just test drive that one and then buy it if you like it?”

      In the mid-2000s I got my first new car, a Honda Civic. I loved that car, and I was 90% sure that I wanted another Honda Civic. But I wanted to be sure, so I test drove a Toyota Carolla, a Nissan Altima, a Nissan Juke, a Kia something, and a Hyundai something. And after all that I bought another new Honda Civic and I felt solid. I also was working with a salesperson who took me very graciously at my “no you may not” after he asked if he could call me to see what I wanted to buy.

      1. ampersand*

        This sounds like my experience–had a Honda Civic from the mid-2000s until 10 years later when I wanted something different. Test drove various other makes/models and ended up with a Honda Fit.

        Although that said: I’m so annoyed and frustrated with my local Honda dealership where I purchased my Fit from that I’m about to swear off Hondas and get something else altogether when I buy my next car, probably soonish. My dealership experience has all but ruined Hondas for me–it’s not even logical because there are ways around this problem, but I’m at BEC stage with them.

        1. Windchime*

          If you have the option, go to another dealer. I had done tons of research and was pretty sure I wanted a certain model of Acura, so I went to the dealership closest to me. They didn’t give me the time of day; when I asked to go on a test drive, the salesman went inside to “get a key” and never came back outside. Another time they ignored me completely. So I drove a few more miles to the fancy city down the road, found the Acura dealership and told them of my experience at the other shop. They rolled out the red carpet and got me a decent deal on the car I knew I already wanted. The first dealership missed out; all I needed was a test drive and a tiny push to buy a $40k car.

    14. Jay*

      I test drive anything I haven’t driven before because I am picky about the seat position and my husband needs a lot of headroom. My current car is a Mini Clubman plug-in hybrid which I LOVE. I lucked into it used two weeks after some idiot came careering around a blind curve at 70 MPH and totaled my Ford CMax. I bought the Ford without test-driving it because we already owned one and I knew I’d like it. So I’d say if it’s a make you haven’t driven before it’s worth a test drive.

      BTW if you can find a used Cmax and you liked your Edge, I’d suggest it. It’s a bit smaller than the Edge (built on the Focus platform). We found it had plenty of cargo space for the three of us on long car trips and more than enough for everything else. They don’t make it any more, unfortunately. I think it’s worth taking a stroll through Carvana (we’ve used them twice and been satisfied).

      1. ronda*

        yes … test drive what you are interested in to see if the seat works for you and no stupid blind spots etc.

        I would follow Clark Howard how to buy a new car. (google it)

        he suggest getting a rental to do a longer test drive. (but rental companies can be limited on which makes are available)
        and getting buy online quotes then contacting dealer to see if they will give a better price. you can do this all online (except the test drives)

    15. CR Fan*

      I would recommend looking at “Consumer Reports” magazine. The April issue is their automobile issue, but they publish road tests throughout the year (usually at least one every month) and they also publish New Car Guides and Used Car Guides that they publish separately. They’re not the be all, end all, but probably the best that is out there. I especially appreciate their evaluations about long-term reliability.

      You don’t want to test drive every model on the lot, but when you narrow down your top few choices, be sure to test drive at least one model similar to the one you plan to buy. You’ll want to see that you fit in it, that the seats are comfortable, if it seems noisy, what the car drives like and how it handles, if it seems to be powerful enough. There will usually be differences between different trim levels of the same model of car. A lower-trimmed, less-expensive version of a particular car might have a less powerful engine, less sound deadening and the seats will be flatter, so be aware of that.

      In recent years auto manufacturers have adopted smaller-displacement turbo-charged engines in an attempt to obtain better gas mileage, while maintaining performance. In my opinion, they’re not always successful at doing at. In theory the smaller-displacement engine will use less fuel than a larger displacement engine in normal driving and if you need extra performance, such as to suddenly accelerate, the turbo will kick-in and provide it (although at the expense of worse gas mileage). A lot of these turbo-charged engines are tuned to get good gas mileage figures on the EPA fuel economy tests in the U.S., but the tests are not necessarily reflective of how people really drive and most people end up getting lower gas mileage than what is reported in the EPA tests.

      Personally, I’m not a fan of turbo-charged engines because they are more complicated and not as durable as non-turbocharged engines. If something goes wrong they are more complicated and expensive to repair. One might last for 150,000 miles or so, but they still wear out faster than regular engines. For most people, they are probably fine, but if you are someone who keeps their cars for a long time (like over 200,000 miles) you might want to avoid them. I’ve also noticed that many Subarus seem to have engine problems when they get to around 140,000 miles or so, so I’d be a little wary of purchasing one if I planned to own it for a long time.

    16. Girasol*

      You can do the dealership thing without having to talk to the unctuous sales guy. Read up on car reviews online, pick some cars that meet your needs and that get good reviews, and then ask for quotes online from dealership web sites. If Dealer A has your perfect car nearby but Dealer B in another state has a better price or color, tell dealer A you’re thinking about going out of state if he won’t match the deal, and you might get what you ask. You can arrange to visit the dealer to test drive just that one car before you buy, which might identify a problem reviewers missed. But reviews are pretty thorough these days, so I’ve bought several times with no test drive. I go to the dealer just to pay up and drive off, no sales pitch at all, and have not been disappointed. (This is *so* much better than the days when car salesmen said, “So, little lady, how much money do you make?”) My last pick was a Honda Fit with which I have been completely delighted. It’s over 200K now, still getting 40 mpg, and it looks like it will soldier on until I see an electric that meets my needs.

    17. Nicole76*

      I usually look online at what’s out there in my budget, decide what features I can’t live without (such as heated seats), and then test drive whatever falls into that category.

      It’s great that you’re looking now because it took me over a year to pull the trigger. Some of that was pure luck. I found I really liked the Subaru Crosstrek but when I test drove it in early 2017 they didn’t make the color combo (blue outside, grey inside) I liked except in a manual transmission. When they announced the 2018s they did offer that in an automatic. I’m so glad I waited and got exactly what I wanted!

      Be careful with the crazy markups dealerships are doing right now due to the shortage. My husband recently had to replace his car and they tried adding $2500 in unnecessary “upgrades”, which we refused.

      Incidentally he got a Nissan Rogue and we really like it. They make a Rogue Sport which is smaller but closer to the price range you’re looking at.

    18. Blomma*

      When I was shopping for my first/current car, I started by reading Consumer Reports reviews of vehicles from all different males and models that were roughly the size I wanted and rated highly for safety. Then, I had a list of models that I wanted to test drive to get a feel for them. I am very petite and am moderately physically disabled, so how I fit in the car was important to me (as was seeing over the steering wheel!). After test driving a bunch of cars and deciding I wanted a Toyota Corolla, I began searching online for a Corolla that met my price, age, and mileage standards. I ended up buying from a dealership that doesn’t negotiate prices. They price vehicles competitively (mine was lower than the KBB value) and if you want add-ons (maintenance package, etc), you pay for add-ons. It was great to not have to mess around with negotiations!

    19. RussianInTexas*

      I bought a new car literally a week ago! I am interested in cars on general, so I knew what I was looking for (can’t afford what I REALLY want, but still know what is on the market).
      Make a list of what you must have and what is nice to have. Once you there, figure out the type of a vehicle you want: a sedan, SUV, hatchback, etc. Read reviews from few sources. If you are looking for a used vehicle, search for that specific model forums, they will show if there are specific issues for that car. People with complain.
      Test drive, test drive, test drive. A car might be perfect on paper, but you may absolutely hate how it drives IRL, or cannot get comfortable in the seat.
      Warning: new cars inventory is TIGHT right now. You will not have time to think if you find a car to buy. You have to be able to buy it on a spot. It took me calling over 20 dealers to even find cars to test drive, they literally do not have them on the lots. A mass market dealer would say “we have two cars coming in February and one in March, and you must put the deposit today, because they won’t be available tomorrow”. They are not kidding. A lot of dealers add extra money on top of the sticker – local Kia dealers add $4k on their popular models. You will not have any way to negotiate on the sticker. You may only be able to negotiate on the dealer options and extra things like extended warranty and that long of stuff.
      I got lucky. The car I bought came off the truck that very day. It would not be available two days later.
      So, do your research, but be prepared to really look around, and pounce.

    20. acmx*

      I travel for work and sometimes get a rental car so some of my test driving is done that way. Also, loaner vehicles from the dealer let me know I don’t like the RAV4.

      I’m not sure 25k is a reasonable price for SUVs right now. Look at dealer inventories online. The dealer I went to wanted $3500 deposit for vehicles that were in transit.

      I bought a Toyota yesterday. The dealer had little inventory. I didn’t really get what I wanted. I’ll note that I did not physically shop around. I did look at inventory a different dealerships (even outside of my state). It wasn’t that encouraging! This was a semi spontaneous decision and also a decision I’ve put off for a couple years. Buying at the end of the month from inventory on hand, saved me the 10% markup.

      Good luck! Such a hard/tedious process…

    21. Bob Howard*

      One thing worth trying is to see if you can rent the make/model that is your top choice. That way you can try it out without pressure from sales.

    22. The teapots are on fire*

      I had two favorites, test drove just those two, and one of them was not that interested in merging onto the freeway and was immediately disqualified. I focused on mileage, comfort, reliability ratings, the usability and safety of the dashboard controls, and something else that I’ve long since forgotten.

      I advise you to plan your own route for your test drive. The sales rep at the dealer for the car I rejected tried to steer me away from driving up a ramp to merge onto the highway, and it became clear that this was because the car was grossly underpowered for getting onto a Bay Area highway.

    23. Come On Eileen*

      I bought a Subaru Crosstrek a few years ago and absolutely LOVE it. I tested several smaller SUVs and this one hit all the buttons for me, and three years later I’m still in love with it. My second choice was the Subaru Forester because it had all the great features of the Crosstrek plus a bit more room inside and amazing visibility (huge glorious windows). The value holds up — I’m getting emails from the dealership askimg me to trade it in for a newer Crosstrek and the difference would be only $1500 (I think there’s a huge demand for used cars right now which doesn’t hurt). Anyway, all that to say — check out a Subaru or two.

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        You’re the second person I know whom a dealer has called asking them to trade in the car they purchased earlier. I don’t think the other person’s car is a Subaru. Crazy times.

    24. *daha**

      Car buying is different now, even compared to six months ago. The dealers list inventory on their websites that they don’t actually have, just in the hopes that you will come in and they can get you to put a deposit down on something they expect to come in “at the end of next month”. You need to have a phone call with each one asking “what is on the lot today?” and be ready to drive out there today and make a decision. The closest you can come to a bargain is somebody willing to sell you the car without any markup over MSRP. Get pre-approved from a bank or credit union so you’ve got a financing offer in-hand. Do your research on the model before you show up at the lot, so you know already if there are reviews that rule it out. That way you’ll have your money and research ready to make a decision right there and then. Some people are traveling hundreds and thousands of miles to get the “acceptable” car they have decided on.

    25. SnappinTerrapin*

      Research in advance. Kelley’s, Edmunds and Consumer Reports are good sources.

      Subaru welcomes informed customers. Don’t hesitate to ask questions about cars with any sales person. Compare different cars online, on the lot,and on the road. Test your sales person to see how interested they are in meeting your needs, because that’s the ultimate goal for you.

      I’m not in sales anymore, but I did become convinced that Subaru builds great cars. I encourage you to check their offerings.

      But whatever you do, focus on finding a car that meets your needs.

      Enjoy the experience. It doesn’t have to be an ordeal, as long as you can keep the process under your control. If the process is adversarial instead of collaborative, walk out and find another dealer.

    26. onebitcpu*

      My wife and I test drove a lot of cars when looking to replace our mini van.
      She found that for some cards, the front window pillar was positioned just perfectly to block vision of traffic, which ruled a few out.
      We also brought along a big rubbermaid bin, a large cooler, and a laundry basket to stick in the trunk.
      If we couldn’t fit basic weekend luggage without folding seats down, that took the vehicle off our list as well

    27. LemonLyman*

      I really like my Hyundai Santa Fe Sport. It has a 10 year/100k mile warranty and was about $28k for the mid-tier which I had to get bc I need certain features bc of a disability (granted, I bought it a few years ago). It’s been a good car. Bench seat in the back and roomy “trunk” space for the dog.

    28. Purple Cat*

      To help narrow it down a key thing is for you to decide the most important feature of the car. Is it looks, mileage, cargo space, backseat legroom, stereo system, paint colors available…. Doesn’t matter what other people think is important, it’s what YOU think is important.

      When I was car shopping, mileage was the most important. I work far away from home, I used to have a Prius, but when I got another new car and went with a Kia Niro (just like their Sportage, but hybrid). It’s on the smaller side of the cross-over and now that my younger one’s hockey sticks are getting longer, I think the space is probably a little tight. DH got a hybrid Rav4 and there’s definitely more cargo space in there.

    29. Cj*

      My former co-worker and her husband have been buying new Hyundai’s for years and love them. They trade every four years or so, and have owned both sedans and SUVs

      I’m not sure you can buy *any* decent SUV for around $25,000, though. I think you’re probably going to have to spend at least $10,000 more for than for something you like and is reliable. You might see a price of around $25,000 doing a good search, but unless you are looking at a specific vehicle (like on a dealer’s website), the first price you see if almost always that base price, and by the time you get done picking the options you want, you can add many thousands of dollars to that.

      Don’t forget to take into account the increase in your vehicle insurance when deciding how much you can afford.

  12. JustForThis*

    I’ve always liked reading fantasy, but often felt somewhat alienated by a disinterest for female characters or, worse, misogyny. A few months back, a recommendation on a weekend thread of Tamora Pierce’s novels — some of which I’d read as a kid — sent me on a reading spree of fantasy novels written by women, and I’ve enjoyed it tremendously. These are the ones I’ve read:

    Tamora Pierce; I read and enjoyed all of her novels, most of all maybe the first and last Magic Circle series.
    Alison Croggon, Pellinor series (which was slightly too dark for me)
    Robin McKinley, The Blue Sword and The Hero and the Crown (good fun, but quite a bit of emphasis on ‘blood lines’)
    T. Kingfisher (Ursula Vernon), A Wizard’s Guide to Defensive Baking (good fun)
    Rosemary Kirstein, The Steerswoman Series (not strictly fantasy, but the best series I’ve read in a very long time. I’ve recommended it to everyone around me)

    Some years back, I read Sarah Monette, The Goblin Emperor (which I loved), some of Leigh Bardugo’s novels (which I liked, especially the heist aspect and the multilingual world), and Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight series as well as the first of Sarah J. Maas’s A Court of Thorns and Roses (I didn’t like the relationship dynamics in those two).

    I’d be very grateful for further recommendations! And just to not cause misunderstandings: I’ve read truly wonderful fantasy novels by male authors which were balanced and inclusive, and at another occasion I’d love more recommendation along those lines, but for this thread I’d like to focus on female authors.

    1. frystavirki*

      One of my favorite authors is Seanan McGuire, whose fantasy work trends more towards urban fantasy rather than high fantasy, but I’ve read most of what she’s written and enjoyed it. The October Daye series, Incryptid series, and Wayward Children series are…I think all of her fantasy offerings? She’s quite prolific.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Her trilogy that starts with The Girl in the Green Silk Gown is sort of a branching off of the Incryptid series as well.

        1. JustForThis*

          “Quite prolific” may even be an understatement… Thank you so much, both to frystavirki and Red Reader for opening up such a rich mine for me!

          1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            And if you do like science fiction as well, she also writes that almost as prolifically under the pseudonym Mira Grant. :)

            1. Jay*

              Huge Seanan McGuire fan here as well. Just a little warning. If you DO read the Mira Grant books, be warned. She does a lot of Pandemic Horror, that is novels set in the midst of world ending pandemics. While they predate Covid, none the less they can be…… problematic for some people.

      2. GoryDetails*

        Seanan McGuire is indeed prolific – and has a new pseudonym: A. Deborah Baker, for a fantasy series that begins with OVER THE WOODWARD WALL. (I haven’t read that one yet, but I bought it purely on the strength of my delight in McGuire’s “Wayward Children” series.)

    2. Teatime is Goodtime*

      I LOVE Patricia McKillip. She’s one of two authors for whom I would read anything and everything. My person favorite is Od Magic, but I also thoroughly enjoyed The Bell at Sealy Head, The Bards of Bone Plane, Ombria in Shadow and Alphabet of Thorn. She has others, but those are my favorites. If you want more classic, I would recommend one of her oldest, The Forgotten Beasts of Eld.

      Speaking of classic, Anne McCaffrey’s harper series is lovely even after all these years. The first one is Dragonsong.

      I’ll add more if I can think of good ones!

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      The Isabella Trent series, first book A Natural History of Dragons, by Marie Brennan – a set of memoirs by a bluestocking noblewoman in a pseudo- Victorian world who adventures off in search of studying dragons and archaeology. It’s not fantasy like magic, but dragons count, maybe?

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          I read all five books in like, a day and a half – just couldn’t put them down. :)

    4. allathian*

      The Deed of Paksenarrion, and sequels set in the same world by Elizabeth Moon. Very well-rounded characters, and great world building that doesn’t get in the way of the story.

      2. Aneurin*

        Yes! I’ve just finished the first trilogy (with Paksenarrion as the main character) and really enjoyed it. I especially appreciate that Paks is canonically asexual*, which is extra unusual given the publication year of 1988 for the first book. (Heads up that what-is-clearly-intended-to-be-read-as-PTSD is dealt with at some length in books 2 and 3, in case that’s something you might have trouble with.)

        *she’s not referred to as “asexual” specifically, but it’s clear that that’s what she is, and it’s not a big deal in the text.

    6. Expiring Cat Memes*

      Ooohh Robin Hobb. I’m not even much of a fantasy reader, but I devoured her books several times over. I find her writing style such a joy, I can clearly see and feel everything in my head as I’m reading. The way she brings politics into her stories too made it so engrossing for me. Bonus if you’re an animal person, you’ll love the way she portrays the magical connection between humans bonded with animals.

      Start with Assassin’s Apprentice and the rest of her books carry on in the same world from there.

      1. JustForThis*

        I’d read Assassin’s Apprentice and Royal Apprentice quite a few years back and enjoyed them, but I for some now elusive reason I must have stopped after those two. Thank you for pointing me to the series again! There seems to be much more to explore in that world. Thank you!

        1. allathian*

          Oh yes! Some of the books are a bit depressing, though, especially Assassin’s Apprentice. My favorite is the Liveship Traders trilogy, it has more interesting female protagonists as well.

          It’s odd, though, that as much as I like Robin Hobb, I can’t stand the stories she writes as Megan Lindholm, they’re far too grotesque for my taste.

      1. allathian*

        AMC herself would’ve been incensed to hear her work described as fantasy, that’s why the dragons were genetically engineered, and this is made clear in the introduction of the first book. She was a pioneer in showing gays in a privileged position (any dragonrider, even a lowly greenrider apprentice, has more status on Pern than most ordinary people dare to dream of having), but there are no lesbians on Pern (undoubtedly there are, but they get married off to a spouse of their father’s choosing and accept it as the natural order of things, and their sexual preference is never mentioned in the books). Some women do have positions of power, but they are few and far between, with the vast majority in very submissive roles as homemakers. She’s not a feminist writer by any stretch of the imagination.

        Granted, she was one of the pioneers, a woman who wrote sci-fi with a feminine name, in an era when many women writers used male or gender-neutral pseudonyms, or used initals to disguise their gender (Andre Norton, James Tiptree, Jr., C.J.Cherryh, etc.), even J.K. Rowling has been accused of doing the same, even if the author’s photo has been used frequently enough in marketing materials that her gender is no secret.

        (Please note, I was an avid AMC fan for a long time, starting in my early teens when I got Moreta: Dragonlady of Pern for my 14th birthday (it’s still my favorite Pern book). I was a moderator on her, now sadly defunct, fan forums, and a gifted, signed copy of A Gift of Dragons is one of my most prized possessions to this day, even if it’s been years since I last read it.)

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          (Moreta was my first AMC too, pulled out of my Easter basket when I was 9. :) )

        2. Generic Name*

          Pern is definitely more sci-fi, but dragons are a fantasy staple! She was my intro into the world of sci-fi/fantasy at age 14. Have you read the books written by her son? I don’t love those as much.

          1. allathian*

            No, I’ve skipped those, although I might give her daughter Gigi McCaffrey’s novel (Dragon’s Code) a go.

        3. The Dogman*

          “Some women do have positions of power, but they are few and far between, with the vast majority in very submissive roles as homemakers. She’s not a feminist writer by any stretch of the imagination.”

          She os describing a world (in the books set “later” in the convoluted timeline) that is clearly a medieval feudal structure, only the Lords Holder, Craftmasters and Weyr leaders have any actual power, and other than dragon riders everyone else is submissive, male and female.

          And if she would have been offended to be called fantasy that is sad, to me her Dragonriders series is a fantasy series set in a broader SciFi universe, and what is wrong with that? I don’t understand why that would upset anyone but I often don’t understand why people can be so touchy about things like that… called a metaller friend a goth once (thought he was a goth, honest mistake since they can be so similar looking in theme) and got the silent treatment for a few months…

          1. allathian*

            Yeah, I get what you’re saying, I don’t understand why she was so touchy about that. But to her it was important that her works were based on (imaginary) science, rather than magic (even if there’s lots of fantasy that doesn’t involve anything supernatural).

            But she wrote in a few genres, mainly soft sci-fi, romance disguised as sci-fi (most of the non-YA Pern books could be read as bodice ripper romances), plain romance with no sci-fi elements, and her Freedom series got its start in a short story called The Thorns of Barevi, originally written as soft porn for Playboy magazine (although they didn’t buy it or publish it).

            1. The Dogman*

              “and her Freedom series got its start in a short story called The Thorns of Barevi, originally written as soft porn for Playboy magazine (although they didn’t buy it or publish it).”

              That I had no idea about… good info, cheers!

          2. Workerbee*

            If you wonder why folks can be “touchy,” I respectfully suggest doing a little digging to find out why. For example, I had always thought it was because Anne had not only grown up with male authors but started writing in an era that was still dismissive of women daring to write in a genre—sci-fi—that had been said to require a cishet male brain (if not in quite those words, the sentiment was the same). Her first book came out in the late 1960s. Not all that long ago, really…

            In any case, for her, “fantasy” meant “magic,” and she didn’t have magic in her books, so between that and the old boys’ club, heck yeah, she had the right to be touchy about what to call her works.

            1. allathian*

              I hadn’t actually connected the dots about the reason for her annoyance, but your reasoning makes sense.

            2. The Dogman*

              What confuses me about that sort of “touchy” is it inevitable that subjective statements or positions are exactly that, subjective…

              So if someone were to tell me they thought my writing, which I consider SciFi, was instead fantasy, or horror, or whatever I may not agree, but I don’t see why it would ever be worth getting angry about.

              So if someone tells me the sky is green, when I see it as blue I am more inclined to wonder why (colour blindness/a brain injury/wilfull-being-kind-of-a-dick-about-stuff) than to actually get into an arguement. And for something actually subjective like pigeonholing writing I really cannot see why anyone would waste the energy telling someone why they are “wrong”.

              But I am a bit weird…

      1. JustForThis*

        I’ve read her Xenogenesis series and still think about it, decades later. It poses such fundamental questions while telling a gripping story. (I didn’t mention her above because I think of that series as SF more than fantasy, but I’m not even sure whether this is a helpful distinction to make; I certainly like both. Do any of her other series lean more towards the fantasy end of the spectrum?)

    9. JustForThis*

      Thank you for all the wonderful recommendations so far! Of course I’ve forgotten some very good ones I’d read a while (or even decades) ago:

      Diana Wynne Jones: Howl’s Moving Castle
      Ursula LeGuin, The Earthsea Cycle
      and Edith Nesbit, definitely a cherished childhood favorite.

    10. Puffle*

      I love Lois McMaster Bujold’s Chalion novels (The Curse of Chalion and Paladin of Souls).

      T. Kingfisher’s other novels are also great- I’ve never got into her fairytales, but Swordheart, the Clocktaur War duology and The Saint of Steel series are all outstanding.

      1. ronda*

        LMB also wrote a 4 book fantasy series called the sharing knife. the 1st novel upset some people cause it had a romance aspect, but the whole series was very good. (there is also at least one novella related to this series)
        Shards of Honor and Barrayar is a duo in a larger series of Vorkosigan books that has a strong female central character. Most of the other books focus on her son. More science fiction cause it is set in space, but really it is just a fantasy world in space, right?

        She also has been doing novellas (penric & desdemona) set in the challion world but at a different period in history. So she is also a wealth of reading materials if you like her.

    11. Falling Diphthong*

      Naomi Novik, whose Scholomance series (starts with A Deadly Education) is top notch. I am rereading the first two books, after first reading them a couple of months ago. Third book of three is due out in the fall. Our heroine is holding out against pressure (fate induced) to become a great dark sorceress, while trying to survive in her extremely lethal magical high school.

      She has a couple of takes on fairy tales, Uprooted and Spinning Silver, which for me hit that “this is well executed but not moving fast enough for me” spot. But like the Scholomance, a strong focus on female friendships that I really liked.

      Becky Chambers’ A Long Way to a Small Angry Planet is fun space opera focused on relationships.

      For a different take, currently reading Martha Wells’ Murderbot Diaries about an agender, asexual rogue android. (Rather than go on a murder spree it decided to work through the equivalent of Netflix’s catalogue; the people around it keep distracting it with fast-unfolding crises.)

      1. Stitch*

        Naomi Novik standalone fantasy books (Uprooted and Spinning Silver) would be excellent for someone who likes Robin McKinley.

        I liked her alternate history dragon series too, which doesn’t get as much attention as her other works.

        1. J.B.*

          I agree with this, plus she has the scholomance series (with a third book coming that I didn’t expect!)

      2. Coenobita*

        I love the Murderbot Diaries!

        If you’re ok with something deeply weird (in a cool way but also in a way that makes you think “where did that even COME from?!?”), maybe try Gideon the Ninth/Harrow the Ninth by Tamsyn Muir. The review quote on the back of the book is “Lesbian necromancers explore a haunted gothic palace in space!” and, yep, that’s exactly what it is.

      4. Autumn*

        Murderbot is a given, but Wells’ Wheel of the Infinite is also excellent, and is more fantasy/high magic. I also really enjoyed her Books of the Raksura. Her anthropology background brings a lot of richness.

        1. JustForThis*

          Oh, thank you so much for pointing me to Wells’ other books! I’ve recently devoured the Murderbot series, but somehow didn’t see the Wheel of the Infinite. This is definitely going on the list.

    12. Llellayena*

      Try Jaqueline Carey. I’d actually start with one of her newer novels, Starless. But she’s best known for her Kushiel’s Dart series. The Dart series is set (roughly) in renaissance France so you can’t escape some misogyny but it’s more peripheral and storyline helping and not endemic to the main characters.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Aggressively rough (both consensual and nonconsensual) sex is, however, endemic to the main character in the Kushiel books.

        1. Llellayena*

          True, my usual gauge on recommending that series is if you read 50 shades and aren’t offended. Her other books don’t have that theme though which is one reason I recommended Starless first.

      1. Tegan*

        Yes! Was hoping I wouldn’t be the first to mention Jemisin, the Broken Earth trilogy is brilliant and her characters are so incredibly well-written.

      2. GoryDetails*

        Jemisin is marvelous! I really loved THE CITY WE BECAME, an homage to the diversity of New York City – with a touch of Lovecraftian horror, though the novel reads more fantasy/suspense than out-and-out horror.

    14. AY*

      Helene Wecker has written a two book series beginning with the Golem and the Jinni that I love. It’s set in turn of the century NYC and really centers the immigrant experience there. A golem immigrates there from Eastern Europe and a Jinni from Syria. It’s so, so wonderful.

      Susanna Clarke might be my favorite fantasy author. She’s written the extremely long, extremely intricate Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell as well as the extremely short, extremely moving Piranesi.

      And NK Jemisin of course! Her Broken Earth trilogy is wonderful, especially the first book. It follows three women in a world where some people have the ability to control the movements of the earth.

      I see you love Robin McKinley! Her book Beauty was my favorite book as a teenager. I read it dozens of times.

    15. Jen Erik*

      Someone (here I think) recommended Victoria Goddard’s ‘Hands of the Emperor’ as akin to The Goblin Emperor, and it really is.
      Nothing particularly new to add – Lois McMaster Bujold’s Chalion books are worth reading, Megan Whalen Turner – starts with ‘The Thief’, don’t read any reviews – I liked Wen Spencer’s Ukiah Oregon series back in the day, but I haven’t reread them recently, Zen Cho’s ‘Sorcerer to the Crown’, ‘Tooth and Claw’ by Jo Walton.

    16. SofiaDeo*

      I am enjoying the P.C. Cast various series, even though I am in my early 60’s. Older than their target audience, but strong female characters have me liking them immensely.

    17. J.B.*

      I’ve read a lot of things in your list lately. There is a sequel to the goblin emperor. I have found Laura Resnick which I enjoy, it merges modern mystery and fantasy and the main character is great.

      The bookstore chose a mystery book Differently Morphous by Yahtzee Croshaw which was fun and surprising, and I have Highfire by Eoin Colfer on their recommendation too.

    18. Generic Name*

      I primarily read novels written by women, and I love fantasy. Some favorite authors:

      Katherine Kerr
      Anne McCaffrey
      Juliet Marillier

    19. fposte*

      Since you’re not averse to YA (though some of these may do adult as well):

      Melina Marchetta’s Lumatere Chronicles
      Nnedi Okorafor’s Nsibidi Scripts series
      Jordan Ifueko’s Raybearer series

      If you’ll stretch to alternative history with zombies, Justina Ireland’s Dread Nation.

      1. JustForThis*

        Thank you very much for these recommendations! I’ve come across Nnedi Okorafor before (I think via N.K. Jemisin), but haven’t read any of her books yet. This will now change. The others on your list sound really interesting as well.

        (I’d characterise myself as someone who reads basically any text put in front of them, from the back of milk cartons to hermetic poetry (is there a difference?), but I have to admit that this image of myself is not quite true: I’ve always struggled with horror. YA, however, is very much within my comfort zone.)

        1. fposte*

          I am not a horror person but I make a few exceptions, such as Dread Nation, Peadar O Guilin’s The Call, Daniel Kraus’ Rotter, or Alexander Yates’ How We Became Wicked. Less focus on splatter, more on the messed up.

        2. Falling Diphthong*

          Seconding that Dread Nation rec. Not usually a horror person, I thought there was nothing new to do with zombies, but this story is excellent.

          Timeline split off mid Civil War when the dead rose and started eating everyone on both sides. Now a revanchist group dreams of returning to those good old days, and our young black heroine trains to be a lady’s bodyguard.

          I was reading this book when a revanchist mob stormed the capitol.

    20. Jay*

      The great Terry Pratchett has a number of books with amazing female casts. Any of the Witches books, the Tiffany Aching Books, the Miss Susan Books, and Monstrous Regiment, in particular, are female focused. Most of his many, many novels have powerful women/girls featured prominently. Basically, he had a daughter and wrote his female characters with her in mind.

    21. GoryDetails*

      Lots of my favorites have already been mentioned, but I didn’t see an entry for Elizabeth Bear; she does a variety of speculative fiction, from horror to SF and with plenty of genre-bending. Anthologies include THE CHAINS THAT YOU REFUSE and SHOGGOTHS IN BLOOM, and I absolutely loved her novel MACHINE. [That one’s SF, with a strong nod to James White’s delightful “Sector General” series about a galactic hospital staffed by all manner of aliens as well as humans.]

      1. Alaska_Blue*

        Yes to Elizabeth Bear! I love her writing! The Jenny Casey series is good, her after Ragnarok series makes me cry each time. Probably the only book of hers I won’t recommend is “Karen Memory” but I think that’s a me problem as I really don’t like reading books where the author writes in a western drawl for main characters over multiple pages.

    22. AceInPlainSight*

      This is my favorite genre! Mercedes Lackey, especially her Elemental Masters and 500 Kingdoms series, for light, feel good fairy tales. If you don’t mind grimmer fantasy (all the trigger warnings, but she handles it really well), NK Jemison is spectacular. Her Broken Earth trilogy deserves every award it got.

    23. GoryDetails*

      (Trying to keep up with what’s already been posted – quite a challenge!) Wanted to add a nod to Holly Black, whose DARKEST PART OF THE FOREST does some nice spins on the fey, with a horned boy in a glass coffin and what happens when he wakes up. A brother and sister – and their changeling friend Jack – get involved, and it’s a solid story blending modern-day characters with creatures out of myth.

    24. Red Sky*

      The His Fair Assassin Trilogy by Robin LaFevers starting with Grave Mercy…basically assassin nuns. Each books features a different character’s story with the overarching plot playing out across the 3 books.

      Ymmv, but I loved Anne McCaffrey as a kid, however an attempted reread as an adult left me cringing with all the casual sexism and internalized misogyny

      1. allathian*

        Yeah, I certainly don’t love her Pern novels as much as I did as a teen and in my early 20s. That said, I enjoy her non-Pern books a lot more than most of Pern.

    25. Reba*

      The Steerswoman series is so good, isn’t it? I’ll try to add some titles not already mentioned in this thread.

      I LOVED the Bear and the Nightingale series by Katherine Arden. Gorgeous, based on elements of Russian Folklore.

      Catherynne Valente’s Fairyland series is for younger readers but a bit dark (in a good way).

      In the sword & sorcery genre, two series that I enjoyed because they are about “found family” groups of friends were the Twelve Houses series by Sharon Shinn, and the Harp and Ring series by Ilana Myer.

      With more modern/urban settings, I have really loved the Invisible Library series by Genevieve Cogman, and the Greta Helsing series by Vivian Shaw.

      1. PostalMixup*

        Another vote for Katherine Arden. Just a heads up that you should not Google characters that you think may be based on historical figures. There are several, and you may ruin some plot twists.

      2. JustForThis*

        The Steerswoman series is phenomenal. I’ve tried to convince people around me to read it so that I have someone with whom to talk about all these glorious, juicy little hints pointing towards the yet elusive solution of the what-the-heck-is-going-on-here-riddle. Basically, I could easily go all-out-nerdy for that series, as in I’ve recently made a list of all wizards and their keeps and checked in detail which animals also encountered on earth are mentioned.

        Thank you so much for your other recommendations!

    26. Jortina*

      The Empirium Trilogy by Claire Legrande. As not a huge fantasy person there was a lot of world building IMO but really enjoyed the complex female characters.

    27. Nicki Name*

      Someone should mention that there’s now a second book set in the world of The Goblin Emperor. It’s called Witness for the Dead.

      Jody Lynn Nye’s Dreamland series is an old favorite of mine.

      Since Pern was mentioned, if we can include science fiction stories that use fantasy tropes, you might like Julian May’s Saga of Pliocene Exile.

    28. I edit everything*

      I just finished the York series by Laura Ruby (The Shadow Cipher, The Clockwork Ghost, and The Map of Stars). Great female characters, and an amazing story arc. It’s YA adventure/alt history/science fiction, set in New York City. Smart, intricate, emotional.

    29. Texan In Exile*

      You’ve probably already read my favorite, A Wrinkle in Time, but just in case.

      I also liked The Mists of Avalon, although I am troubled by the accusations the author has received.

      And does Clan of the Cave Bear count? I loved learning about all the medicinal herbs.

        1. allathian*

          Me too, and The Valley of Horses, as well as The Mammoth Hunters. The later books were basically repeats of the same plot over and over, though.

      2. JustForThis*

        I read the Clan of the Cave Bear when I was maybe 11 or 12 and was so fascinated by All. The. Sex! that I hardly remember anything else about it. (I guess it might be fun to find out how a reread would match that first reading experience.)

        1. allathian*

          And I thought I was young when I read it at 14! It’s been a while since I last read it, but from what I remember the sex scenes in the first book were completely non-consensual, and that really bothered me even at that age. I loved the descriptions of the cultural/biological differences between the Clan and the Others, even if it’s been shown that Neandertals have a similar hyoid bone to modern humans, and that they were thus capable of speech. I liked the sex better in the later books, even if they got to be a bit monotonous.

    30. Rara Avis*

      I’m currently rereading The Wind Witch by Susan Dexter. Tanya Huff is good too. Holly Lisle.

      1. Jen Erik*

        Thank you! I came back to reread everyone’s suggestions to find new authors to try, and it’s so helpful to have them listed all together.

        1. JustForThis*

          There are so many great recommendations and helpful comments in this thread that I wanted to organise them for myself anyway and thought other might like such a list as well. I might clean the list’s formatting up during the week and post a link to it again next weekend for anyone who might be interested but missed the link buried so far down this rich thread.

    32. CJ*

      I’ve recently loved AJ Lancaster’s Stariel series and CM Waggoner (duology, as yet no series name, I hope there’ll be more). Both gaslamp-ish fantasy though different in tone, both wonderful with great characters, relationships and worldbuilding.

    33. Huxley*

      Longtime FF reader and would recommend:

      Kate Elliott’s Jaran series (more SF than FF but fabulous) and the Crown of Stars series

      Marion Zimmerman Bradley’s Darkover books

      Katherine Kerr’s Deverry series

      1. allathian*

        MZB is dead and I’ll suspect we’ll never learn the full truth of what really happened, but she’s been accused of doing some dreadful things, including sexual abuse and rape of her own children, and helping her second husband, a convicted pedophile, get access to unrelated children for the purpose of abusing them. I guess it’s just as well that I never really got into the Darkover books, although I did like some of her short stories.

    35. AcademiaNut*

      A lot of good stuff here. I second T. Kingfisher, Becky Chambers, Victoria Goddard, Seanan McGuire, Katherine Addison, Marie Brennan’s Lady Trent Books, Bujold, Butler, Jemisin and Okorafor, Elizabeth Moon, Naomi Novik.

      Others: Theodora Goss’s Athena Club trilogy (featuring the daughters of literary mad scientists), V.E. Schwab (her shades of magic trilogy is excellent, and The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue also),

      On the YA side, Rachel Hartmann’s Seraphina books. Tess of the Road is a well done portrayal of a young woman dealing with the trauma of her earlier life, and forging a life she chooses. Patricia Wrede has some good stuff – the trilogy starting with Cecelia and the Chocolate Pot is great fun.

      Tanya Huff: great female characters, LGBT representation before it was mainstream, and a fun read. She’s got urban fantasy, high fantasy, and military sci-fi, and excellent Canadian content.

      On the more classic side, Ursula Le Guin’s books are excellent. Reading the whole Earthsea set in chronological order has a really interesting exploration of gender roles in magic. Mercedes Lackey and Anne McCaffrey are old favourites of mine – McCaffrey’s stuff is a product of its time, but was groundbreaking when it came out. With Lackey, I stopped reading her new stuff about 15 years ago, finding that the quality had declined to the point where I didn’t enjoy it any more.

    36. OtterB*

      Lots of things I love mentioned already (Bujold, Martha Wells’s Wheel of the Infinite and Raksura books, also City of Bones, Kingfisher’s paladin books, The Hands of the Emperor.)

      Not yet mentioned, I don’t think:

      Sharon Lee, series beginning with Carousel Tides. Small town Maine with amusement park, spirits of land and sea. Present day with folkloric magic in the background.

      Mary Robinette Kowal, Glamourist histories, Regency England with magic, romance.

      Melissa Scott, Astreiant series.

      Juliet E McKenna, Green Man series. Son of a dryad and a human in modern England, able to see the nonhumans who mingle among us.

    37. WS*

      Not a book recommendation, but years ago I bounced off the Wheel of Time series very hard – it had a ton of female characters but was always setting them up to fail and be humiliated, or talking about their breasts, or doing the whole “women! so mysterious!” thing. The TV series so far (apart from one death in the first episode) has done far better with the same characters.

    38. Skeeder Jones*

      I loved Kushiel’s Legacy series by Jacqueline Carey. There is a very untraditional and strong female character that I loved

    39. Daisy Gamgee*

      Nghi Vo has written some gripping, fascinatingly worldbuilt books, including Empress of Salt and Fortune and When The Tiger Came Down The Mountain.

    40. Cimorene*

      My all time fave fantasy author is Patricia Wrede. I love her YA series Dealing with dragons but she is also very prolific. I think my favorite adult fantasy were Caught in Crystal and Raven Ring (I think a lot of her books are loosely set in same world but also stand alone). Also liked Graceling by Kristin Cashore.

    42. Tofu Fan*

      Tons of great recs already. I’ll add a few that may not have been mentioned:

      Cold Magic by Kate Elliott
      The Spirit Lens and the other Collegia Magica books by Carol Berg
      The Demon’s Lexicon by Sarah Rees Brennan

      The Fantasy Book Cafe blog has done some special events focusing on women in speculative fiction and the recs that came of it were compiled into a lengthy list,
      http://sffwomen.fantasybookcafe.com/list2020.html, which is a fantastic resource.

    43. Esmeralda*

      Elizabeth Moon, Remnant Population. The protagonist is an elderly woman. I think it is her best book.

  13. Doesn't Follow Trends*

    I’ve muted for 30 days everyone who posts their Wordle scores on Facebook. hoping this craze passes by then.

    Does this make me a curmudgeon? Do I need to do some introspection as to why such a silly little thing irritates me so much?

    1. Wordler*

      I mean, it’s a fun little game that people are enjoying. If something so harmless is bothering you that much, there’s probably a reason why that is. Whether it’s worth the effort to figure it out is really up to you.

      Imma keep posting mine (on Twitter, not FB, tho, because FB users are what annoy me ;p).

      1. Name Goes Here*

        This seems a bit uncharitable. Like DFT, I have Wordle muted on Twitter (not on FB, because I still want to see the non-Wordle posts of friends who are playing it) –– I’m glad that people are enjoying playing! Please enjoy! I (we?) just enjoy a timeline that is not five little black-green-and-yellow grids all in a row.

        1. Julie*

          How on earth is this uncharitable? The OP asked if they should reflect on why a minor, harmless thing annoys them a lot and this reply boils down to “sure, if you want to”.

          I’ve noticed a big increase in commenter scolding each other for being uncharitable, unkind or hostile recently when it’s really just someone with a different opinion.

          1. Courageous cat*

            God, right? Why do we have to come down on everyone for being uncharitable or ungenerous now if someone doesn’t say something 100% pure agreement and kindness? Have def noted this trend too. It’s ok to have differing opinions, y’all. We don’t have to always agree with each other just to be nice.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      It would annoy me too, but luckily the people I know who do it keep adding new comments to the same post instead of making new ones. (But I am also an easily annoyed curmudgeon and well practiced at scrolling the little things or the people who annoy me.)

    3. Janet Pinkerton*

      Hah, no, I think anything that’s pervasive that isn’t your thing is annoying when it’s everywhere. If I could have muted the entire existence of Game of Thrones I would have.

      (Personally I love Wordle and get a lot of joy from it, including from the community aspect, but I can see how it’s annoying to others.)

    4. Turtle Dove*

      I play Wordle and love it, and I find posting scores irritating.

      For me Wordle is a private pleasure. I keep my scores to myself. That’s how I use Facebook anyways: I’m there mostly to see family photos, and I rarely post. I’m probably a curmudgeon.

      1. Sloan Kittering*

        Yes I enjoy wordle and my parents play it with me, but it’s a little dull to see people post their scores, unless it’s something really unusual like getting it one guess – and before I was playing it myself, it was even more annoying because I didn’t know what it meant anyway, so interesting content was being replaced by little boxes. Twitter does a bad job of hiding content unless you mute the word, which is irritating to me as I want to mute the scores themselves but not necessarily conversation *about* wordle.

    5. Purt’s Peas*

      Yes you’re a curmudgeon but who cares! Enjoy it; being grouchy about some small thing without being a stinker is your god given right as a person who exists in society.

    6. ecnaseener*

      Muting is free and easy and they’ll never know. You’d be a curmudgeon if you actually grumped at them! I’m a big fan of muting content that you don’t enjoy seeing.

      1. A Girl Named Fred*

        Agreed with this! Muting something that annoys you just means you’re curating your space. Actually snarking at people for it would make you a curmudgeon, IMO. So mute away and enjoy the lack of squares!

        (I don’t mind Wordle, personally. The only thing that annoyed me the other day was when I saw someone post a screenshot of their correct guess with the word actually shown. I thought, “Thanks for making it impossible for me to play today, friend!” lol)

      2. Eden*

        This. You’re not writing people out of your will and swearing eternal bloodfeuds. You’re just preemptively saving yourself some scrolling. It’s fine!

    7. Golden*

      I don’t think so. I am somewhat decent about exercising and eating healthy, and don’t have any triggers related to those topics, but I mute people that mainly post that type of thing. It just doesn’t interest me!

      I must live under a rock because this is only the second time I’ve heard of Wordle though, so my perception may be off about how pervasive it is.

      2. Jean (just Jean)*

        Is there room in this space for me also? :-D
        (I’d never heard of Wordle until Facebook began sending me notifications.)

    9. A.N. O'Nyme*

      Nah, I sometimes wish I could have muted a lot of stuff. Social media is fine and mutable, but sometimes even actual newspapers start reporting on these things. I know most plotlines of Game of Thrones, what happened in Temptation Island, or who the mole is without watching any of those shows because they just keep following me.

    10. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

      I don’t think you need to do any introspection unless you’re snapping at people for posting their scores; muting temporarily is like walking away from a party conversation about curling because you’re not interested in the sport.

      I’m on a Discord server where a bunch of people are posting about Wordle, in a dedicated thread that other people can ignore (or mute that channel entirely for a while), which means we can post about gameplay and the rest of the world can go on and talk about weather or Shakespeare or animal pictures.

    11. Falling Diphthong*

      So I had never heard of this before. (I don’t do social media.) And just now my husband sent me his Wordle score. (At least, I think that’s what it is.)

      I am perplexed.

    12. Girasol*

      Washington Post had an article yesterday on why people love Wordle that mentions how its pattern-finding is like ritual, letting us experience a sort of holiness or spirituality, how we use to to connect with others and thus become part of something bigger than ourselves, and how we use it to show our honest selves and be seen as we are by others. It sounded as though the meaning in life that we are all seeking could at last be found in Wordle.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I only just started playing it. I only post scores when I do it in just a few guesses. Best so far is three. :)

      2. Esmeralda*

        I like it because it does require some logical thinking and knowledge of the English language.
        It’s fast.
        And you can’t play it obsessively— one word a day.

        I dunno about holiness and ritual tho.

    13. Potatoes gonna potate*

      I think it’s ok to not like something. I don’t think it’s ok to rant about it and cast aspersions on those who do enjoy it and/or post about it (not you!!)

      Signed,
      Someone still mystified at the influx of snow pictures from ppl who have lived in that climate for years and ranted about it once 12 years ago.

    14. Suprisingly ADHD*

      Go ahead and keep muting everything that annoys you on social media! Curate your online experience to be as pleasant as you can!

      Think of it this way: if all your friends were meeting in person, and all they did was shout high scores, you would probably eventually say something to move the conversation along, or just leave the room to a more interesting discussion. You can’t do that on social media, so all you can do is tune out the things you don’t find interesting. It’s not rude or shocking to search out only things you’re personally interested in, and it doesn’t hurt your friends if you aren’t seeing all their scores.

    15. RagingADHD*

      Q1: Yeah, kinda.

      Q2: Nope. You’re allowed to be as curmudgeonly as you want as long as you’re not rude to people.

    16. Pyramids*

      Mute as needed, embrace your inner curmudgeon.

      On a grander scale, I’m interested in the Wordle backlash. I’m a daily Wordler who posts scores occasionally, mostly when I flame out or if it’s tricky. I like hearing people’s strategies, what trips them up, etc. Wordle has only been big for a couple weeks but almost from day 1 I’ve seen grumbles. I think of how many play-by-plays of All The Sports, and of reality shows I don’t watch, and the Animal Crossing craze earlier, and yet I just scrolled on. I can see how daily scores with no context filling up your timeline could be annoying, but then just mute (as the OP here is.) Why some people need to make a really public noise about it seems rude. You do you, let me do Wordle.

      Again, a reflection of what I see in my slice of social media, not an indictment of OP. :)

    18. i will do it anon*

      I love Wordle but I also made sure to start a separate thread for it on my friends Discord server – its very boring if you don’t play.

    19. *daha**

      Wordle is a minor pleasure, and a consistent one, and I share my scores. That’s me. I suppose there’s something that’s displeasurable to you about those colored box arrays, and if it is worth it to you to miss all the other posts from the people who share their scores, well, that’s you and facebook is your pleasure place. Balance your leisure activity the way you like.

    20. fluffy*

      I, too, was grumpy about wordle until I took the time to follow the rules and solved one. But I have a lot of time on my hands. So I understand your feelings. But I wouldn’t say no to a procedure to help me be more accepting of what has been a minor irritation

    21. Purple Cat*

      Yes, it makes you a curmudgeon, but we’re all allowed to make those decisions for ourselves :)
      I post my scores and I know it annoys some people, but the fact that you don’t want to see ANYTHING from these people for 30 days just over one wordle post a day I think says more about your relationships in general with your newsfeed and you possibly need to consider why you’re FB Friends with them in the first place.

    22. Esmeralda*

      Nah, I love wordle, sometimes post my result (mostly when it’s terrible), and mostly scroll past others scores cuz it’s actually boring. One friend likes to work backwards to see if they can figure out your first attempt (#1 word nerd lol).

      No need for introspection. It’s just one of those little peeves, everybody’s got them.

    23. Texas*

      I don’t think it makes you a curmudgeon; that’s what the mute function is for. Not interacting with content you’re not interested in makes sense.

    24. Middle School Teacher*

      Um… kind of, yes. Why not just scroll by, like we’re always being advised to do here?

    25. KR*

      You’re not a curmudgeon! It’s ok to mute. The beauty of social media is that you can curate your experience.

  14. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

    Runners of AAM: Am I crazy for signing up for a full marathon and deliberately planning not to finish it? Do you think that once I start, it’s going to be irresistible to run all 26.2?

    To better explain the situation, I have this harebrained scheme to run the Brooklyn Marathon and drop out at mile 17. Mile 17 is when the race reaches Coney Island, which will be the most beautiful part of the race, and Coney also has been a really meaningful place for me throughout my life. After that, the race loops back on Ocean Parkway, repeating the most dull ​part of the course for 5+ miles, and finishes with a loop in Prospect Park. That park is extremely hilly and steep hills have led to injuries for me in past years (and this is when I’m fresh, not after having just run 23 miles), which I’ve just now overcome. And in the five marathons I’ve already run, I have a history of my quadriceps melting down around mile 19 and the last 10K being an exercise in torture.

    I signed up for the full marathon (so that I don’t draw the attention of race marshals) and will officially “count” this race as my 40th career half marathon, and just tacking on four miles at the end. There seems to be nothing for me to gain by running past Coney Island (mile 17), but everyone I’ve mentioned this plan to is skeptical. They all think I’m going to decide to finish the race once I’m actually running it. What do you think, runners? Am I crazy?

    1. Angstrom*

      Not a runner, a cyclist, but I understand. I think you’ll be fine if you’re saying “This is my finish line” as opposed to “I want to see how far I can get.” You’re setting a reasonable goal. Have friends waiting for you, and plan to celebrate a good run and being where you want to be.

      Life is too short to grind out miles for the sake of grinding out miles.

    2. Cormorannt*

      Nope, not crazy. Honestly that sounds lovely. I’ve known people who signed up for marathons intending to use them as 20 mile training runs for other races, so it’s not unheard of. Only you can say if the draw of finishing will tempt you past mile 17. Personally, I’d be okay if that were my plan from the start. 17 tends to be where I start wondering what the heck I was thinking. The fact that I said I’d do the whole thing pushes me to finish. If I’d already told everyone I was only going 17, I’d be getting a huge cup of coffee and heading off for breakfast in a heartbeat.

    3. Emily*

      The marathoner in me is all “OH MY GOD NOOOOO”, but I realize that’s probably not helpful to you, ha! The only thing I would consider is: will there actually be a way for you to get back to where you need to go (start line and/or finish line) to pick up your gear check, etc? I’d be worried about getting stuck somewhere on the course without a way back.
      Also, this is going to be your 40th (!!!!) marathon! Would you miss all the hoopla of the finish line for such a big accomplishment? Just a thought! Either way, you are a total rock star, and congrats on gearing up for another race!

      1. SpiderWort*

        This is a good point. You’d want to notify race officials you’re dropping, and if you need a SAG wagon to get you off the course. If you’re not using their resources to get out of coney island that may also take some planning – I’m not familiar with this particular race but often, transportation in the area gets disrupted so it’s easy to get stuck.

        1. Cormorannt*

          If the OP does want to go to the finish area and not just head home, I would recommend a plan for public transit or ride share or something. It’s not an issue of race resources if she’s a registered participant, but the SAG wagon can be a slow journey back to the finish line as it picks up stragglers.

      2. Please Exit Through the Rear Door*

        Thanks for these thoughts… Luckily, neither getting back to the start nor picking up my gear will be a problem. I live locally to the race, and if I read the course map correctly, the 17 mile mark is right near the Stillwell Avenue subway hub, where family will be waiting with my stuff and we can all take public transit back home. (The race might disrupt some bus lines, but it won’t stop subway service.) The only thing that I realized won’t work with this plan as I originally imagined it is that I won’t be able to get Nathan’s French fries at my makeshift finish line, because the race starts at 7 am and even given how slowly I run, it’ll still be too early for lunch by the time I get to Coney Island. Oh well.

        And while I love the idea of being a 40 time marathoner, I’ve actually only run five full marathons! I’ve run 39 *half* marathons so far. Still an accomplishment but not the same level of rock star. Will I miss the hoopla of the finish line? I guess it’s possible. I feel like I’m kind of over competitive running after obsessing about finishing times for so many years and then not racing at all during the pandemic, but once adrenaline is going on race day, it’s hard to say.

    4. AY*

      I’m not a distance runner and would never attempt a marathon (though I have done the half) but it seems to me a better choice would be just picking a half marathon you’d actually like to complete? Maybe in a city you’ve always wanted to visit so it feels more festive and celebratory?

      1. Please Exit Through the Rear Door*

        I want to do that, too. I don’t think the two are mutually exclusive. What draws me to this particular race is that I’m a Brooklynite and have waited all my life for a marathon on the streets of Brooklyn that runs through Coney Island. Unfortunately, it took so long to become reality that I’m no longer really willing or probably physically capable of covering the distance.

    5. o_gal*

      I think you can do this, but please find a way to alert race officials that you are not going on. They probably keep track of who all has not crossed the official finish line. You may introduce what is, in their perspective, and emergency situation where a runner is lost. That may cause them to send out emergency services.

      1. Coenobita*

        That was my first thought too! Definitely make sure you find a marshal or safety volunteer or someone before you leave the course, and tell them that you’re dropping out.

      2. Buni*

        yup, just before lockdown a friend of mine noped out at mile 18 of a ‘fun’ marathon because – word of a lie – she went past a frozen yoghurt shop and was just like ‘welp, priorities’. Several hours later she remembered to turn her phone back on and found she was the subject of an official search complete with police etc….

        1. Cormorannt*

          That is bizarre to me. I’ve mostly done larger marathons, where there might be thousands of runners who don’t finish. There’s usually a time limit, and whenever the time limit is reached, runners who have not crossed the finish line are marked DNF. I’ve never been in a marathon where there is even a mechanism for reporting that you are leaving. They definitely sweep the course for people still on it who may be struggling, but if you leave, well you’re an adult and you can go get a yogurt if you like. Did friends or family report them missing?

      3. Cormorannt*

        Not at a marathon. People don’t finish all the time. If you leave the course, they won’t go looking for you. The OP will be listed in the results as a DNF (did not finish) and that’s about it.

      4. Runner advice*

        This will be covered in the race booklet, usually, or one of the volunteers or marshals when you pick up your packet can tell you about it. A DNF usually requires me to notify a volunteer at a given place that I’m officially dropping from the course –– though, I’ve done a lot of races in remote mountainous areas, so YMMV for a highly populated area such as NYC.

      5. Please Exit Through the Rear Door*

        I’ll ask a race official at the expo just in case, but being a veteran of many road races in NYC, I very highly doubt their radar would be pinged in the slightest if I didn’t finish the race. About 2 or 3 percent of runners in any race don’t. I’ll just be in their system as “did not finish.” Potentially it would cause problems if I checked something at bag check and never came back for it, but given the COVID situation, I’m not sure there’d even be a gear check.

    6. Runner advice*

      I’m a runner (2 marathons, 4 ultras, and so many at other distances I’ve lost count, which I mention to boost my cred in giving advice, lol). One of the things I appreciate most about our sport is the ethos of running in a way that feels good to you; whether you go 2 miles at 12 min/mile or 20 at 7 min/mile, you’re a runner, and you’re crushing it. So, go run your 17 miles if it feels good to you. It’s not weird.

      If on the day of, you decide you want to finish, you can certainly do that, but ultimately, your choices about how you like to run are what matters.

    7. Double A*

      I’ve only run two marathons, but in my experience the only way to finish is to be very determined to finish. I would quit at the very first out, and mile 18 is where things get grim. So personally if I told myself I only needed to make it to mile 17, there’s no way I’d “just” run another 9 miles.

      I’m not as competitive as some, though.

    8. Ampersand*

      Not crazy! Actually this sounds saner than running a full marathon—I’m a runner, but I don’t do marathons because…it sounds like torture. :) this sounds like a happy medium and you should do what makes you happy.

      1. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

        Thank you. Saner, probably. The funny thing is that if the race were set up with a finish at Coney Island, and the race officials somehow reallocated the 5 miles used for the up-and-back I don’t particularly want to run to a different part of Brooklyn, we wouldn’t be having this conversation at all. I’d be planning to withstand the torture — and having run 5 marathons already, I can say that miles 20 through 26 of a marathon truly are torture when you’re not in world-class shape.

    9. The teapots are on fire*

      It’s not crazy. The one marathon I ran, it was so hot that the leader of our pace group dropped out (they had gotten ahead of me and I saw her waiting for pickup around Mile 18. I finished, but very slowly).

      If your impulse control fails you and you decide to finish, remind yourself it’s fine to take all the walk breaks you need.

    10. Spelling has become strangely fun...*

      I’ve only ever run shorter distances, but I can understand the thought that you will begin with one goal in mind and then change to a different goal halfway through. If it were me and my primary concern was whether or not I would keep on going in a “why not just finish?” mindset, I would plan for something to do after reaching Coney Island and finishing. Something that would help hold me accountable to my original plan and would make it mentally harder to change my plans. You say you have family meeting you and that you were originally going to get a hotdog. Will knowing your family is waiting for you at the 17-mile mark be enough for you to go ahead and stop or would it be a realistic possibility that you would tell them you had changed your mind and they would be OK with it and then change their plans? If it’s the former, I would say don’t worry about it. If it’s the latter, can you find a substitute activity for getting a hotdog, something else that you can anticipate that would be incentive enough to you that it would outweigh whatever desire you have to just keep running the race? The strength of that impulse to keep going will vary from person to person, so you could just find whatever fits for you that will tip the scales in favor of stopping.

      1. Pocket Mouse*

        Oh- the hills in Prospect Park? Maybe still easier to take care of your legs if it’s at the beginning of the race though.

      2. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

        I’ve run the NYRR Brooklyn Half probably ten times. It’s a great race but in no way comparable. The race I’m running starts in Williamsburg, hugs the coastline for awhile, and runs through downtown Brooklyn before taking on more or less the normal Brooklyn Half route. In my (crazy?) mind, too good to pass up.

    12. University Schlep*

      Heck, I have signed up for races just because it happened to be a decent training run for what I was really interested in. A training run with support. This isn’t that much different if you don’t mind spending the cash on it. I would never wear the shirt though. :D

      1. londonedit*

        Yep, signing up for races as training runs is a completely normal thing to do. It gives you a bit of support and it means you can practise the whole race day routine as well as getting a long run in. I have also taken part in an event and deliberately not finished – it was a 20-mile organised training run (not a race) designed for people doing the London Marathon, but my marathon was two weeks before London so it was my last long run and I only needed/wanted to do 16 miles. I was visiting my parents that weekend and didn’t fancy running 16 miles on my own, so I asked the running club organising the 20-miler if I could join in but drop out early. I made it clear I was happy to be responsible for myself, I notified the organisers that I’d be stopping at 16 miles, and my dad came and picked me up when I was finished. That was a bit different because it was a much more low-key thing and if I hadn’t told them my plans they’d have been waiting for me at the end – I think with a big, fully organised race you’re probably absolutely fine to just stop when you want to stop. Hundreds of people DNF at the London Marathon every year. But I’d definitely notify a marshal so that they don’t worry about why you’re stopping, or just in case they’d be worried about you not having finished.

  15. Expiring Cat Memes*

    Gardening thread: what’s going on in your indoor, outdoor or imaginary garden?

    I’ve stumbled on some issues this week that I’d love advice on if anyone has any…

    Has anyone successfully gotten rid of spider mites and your plant recovered? I realised the problem too late and they already seem to be through a few of my living room plants. I’ve blasted the leaves with a hose, repotted, doused with an appropriate insecticide and am leaving them outside to recover in a brightly lit (quarantined) spot to give them their best shot at putting out new growth. But it’s always been my experience that from here it’s just a slow, drawn out death – so I’m wondering if there’s actually any hope or if I should just quit now and bin them before they potentially spread on to other plants?

    Has anyone successfully frozen beans from their veggie patch that still tasted good when thawed and lightly cooked? And how did you do it – straight in the freezer? Or trimmed or blanched first? Vacuum packed? I really need to rein in my enthusiasm and remember to progressively sow…. I have about 60 bean stalks coming in to flower, so yeah… not my smartest moment.

    And lastly: cutworms! What I thought was the heat destroying everything in one of my veggie beds appears to be a teeming bed of cutworms freshly awoken by all the rain! Third time trying to get this bed going I’m using more advanced seedlings, collars, and a liberal application of thuringiensis. I hope that’ll be enough, but keen to hear from anyone who’s had experience getting rid of them!

    1. The Dogman*

      Spidermites can be killed with a dish soap solution.

      Get a sprayer bottle, half fill with warm water, add a fair squirt of washing up liquid type dish soap.

      Spray soapy solution on plants affected.

      Spidermites should die of in under a month if you spray every other day for a week, then weekly.

      Plants should be unaffected.

      With cutworms my mother likes to use toilet paper roll centres (the cardboard tubes) to protect early seedlings, but with some plants she just puts the seedlings in a pot til they are mature enough and then the cut worms do not cause issues for the adult plants.

      best of luck, can’t help with the beans much but I imagine the quickest freezing is the best option, but most household freezers are not cold enough to flash freeze veg sadly.

    2. Venus*

      I listen to Ed Lawrence because he is so calm and reassuring, and has great advice.
      “Mix 40 parts water with 1 part liquid soap, not detergent (20 oz. spray bottle plus one tablespoon soap) Spray plant thoroughly and leave on for 10 minutes. Rinse with spray of clear, room temperature water. Repeat three times over a 10-day period.”

      The key is to spray everywhere, under the leaves in particular. Also, use dishwashing soap (Dawn is one, I think) and nothing else. Most people don’t have true dishwashing soap and he is very clear about that part. He recommends spraying in the shower, so you can turn on the shower to rinse.

      I also use toilet rolls for cutworms. I cut them in half for the smaller seedlings.

      1. Expiring Cat Memes*

        What’s “true dishwashing soap” – in terms of ingredients or chemical compound? Is it like castille? In Australia, Dawn is just regular dishwashing liquid with the same additives as every other brand.

        1. Venus*

          I feel guilty for saying it without having a good answer, but I’ve never had to look it up, sorry! I only know that whenever the topic comes up the difference is described as being very important. This also seems to apply to bathing kittens covered in fleas. Sorry for a lazy answer!

          1. Expiring Cat Memes*

            Oh, please don’t feel guilty – I appreciate your answer! Between colloquialisms and culture differences, cleaning ingredients are a minefield of interpretation… my mind was blown when I realised that washing soda is a very different thing to bicarb soda. We also have a dry product called Lux soap flakes which is supposed to be “pure soap”, but it’s sold as a laundry product so I don’t know if that’s remotely the same thing or not!

            1. Venus*

              The one thing I remember is that almost every kitchen product is wrong, as it mentions having to look hard to find the true soap. Of course results may vary internationally!

    3. A Beautiful Mind (ironic)*

      I’m a beginner so no advice for you, but I am feeling the call of spring :)

      Last year I grew a LOT of veggie plants from seeds. It got very overwhelming, there were thrips, I barely harvested anything, people kept commenting on what a jungle I had going on (I have an enclosed balcony that is quite visible/eye-catching to passers-by). I decided this year was going to be a year of flowers instead (+ a strawberry plant at most) so I got some geranium seeds in the soil two weeks ago (all are tiny sprouts now!) and I’m planning to buy some established geraniums and maybe roses or fuchsias when it gets warmer. Very excited about this! (Some of my neighbours have very #goals balconies that are constantly chock full of blooms.)

      I also have a bit of an indoor jungle and spent much of this rainy Saturday showering them, potting up cuttings (and taking new cuttings whoops) etc. I went from three pilea peperomioides plants and a tradescantia in 2020 to around 50 plants by the end of 2021… so I’m trying to find my priorities/how I would like my collection to develop this year. I want to try all the things (I like seeing how different plants grow) but I also want my home to look good rather than overwhelming. I’ve enacted a moratorium on taking pilea cuttings, and on buying plants online (we have some wonderful plant shops within cycling distance and I know I prefer the plants I get to interact with before buying (sorry if that’s weird lol)). I’m also keen to avoid pests and humidity issues so have decided on no calatheas, anthuriums or alocasias coming home with me. And of course my well-lit spaces are limited (not prepared to get grow lights at the moment) – and most of it is south-facing which is great much of the year but too intense for most plants for 3-4 months in the summer.

      I’m planning a trip to my favourite nursery tomorrow to buy some “gear” but NOT plants, wish me luck :p

      1. Expiring Cat Memes*

        Oh, you grew a COVID jungle too! LOL You and I both know that you are coming home with plants tomorrow… so just set yourself a # or $ budget now and accept what will be.

        I have the perfect sub-tropical climate for calatheas and alocasias, and I absolutely love their colours and textures. Yet even here I find them too fussy to bother with trying to keep. If you’re into that kind of thing, I’ve found aglaonemas to be a much better substitute. They’re extremely hardy, resilient to pests, tolerant of low light, and available in a good variety of interesting patterns and colours.

    4. Hotdog not dog*

      For the beans, I blanch them, drain well, and freeze in a single layer on a baking sheet. Then I pack them into ziploc quart bags, squeeze any extra air out, and store in the freezer. I find that they last about a year, but are better in the first 6 months.

    5. Tegan*

      We just bought our house last summer in Georgia, so I’m in the middle of planning my first vegetable garden and getting ready to start seeds in the next week or two (and I definitely have no advice on the beans or cutworms). I’m going to try square foot gardening and keep the footprint relatively small to start (8ft x 4ft), I’m really excited! I’ve had very mixed success growing things outside previously, but after getting an Aerogarden for my birthday a couple years ago and keeping that plus some houseplants alive and well for the last year, I’m feeling a little more confident in my plant-tending skills and ready to try going back outside with them.

      The Aerogarden is empty right now since I’m going to use it to start seeds for the veggies, but after that I’m going to get some salad greens going. Previously I’ve done lots of herbs and then some cherry tomatoes for several months, it was fun having tomatoes growing right on the kitchen counter! I have had spider mites on some herbs in it once, and doing the dish soap/water solution worked for me. I sprayed every other day for 5 days or so – at that point they looked gone, but I did it once a week for a couple weeks after that just to make sure.

      I do have a question for any other gardeners around this weekend – any experience or tips with growing camellia sinensis to eventually make your own tea? We are in zone 7b so it should do OK here, and since we’re finally somewhere I know we’ll stay for quite a while, I don’t mind starting the several-year investment that I’ve heard it takes before you can start making tea. But I’d love any tips or anecdotes from anyone else here who has done it!

    6. Admiral Thrawn Is Blue*

      Imaginary garden…. I love roses, because they are awesome and also one of the few cat safe plants out there. Also, I’ve always had this abstract dream of growing rare herbs and plants and selling them to cooks and restaurant supply stores at exorbitant prices. Just such a niche thing to do, so it appeals to me. If you are a fan of the Cat Who books, you maybe remember the awful high school principal who was killed off, but grew saffron to sell, seemingly at high prices. I wonder how I get started with that?

    7. just another bureaucrat*

      Indoor garden, aerogardens for me. I am finally trying some not pre-made ones. The pepper I picked is looking lush and lovely. The lavender smells good and is growing very slowly. The rosemary is just not happening. The strawberries are finally starting but slow so we’ll see. And the cilantro isn’t happening yet either but I’ve not given that as much of a shot as the rosemary.

      My normal basil and tomatoes and thyme are all still coming along beautifully. I’ve kept the same thyme for months and it just sort of is lovely and green and I’ll walk by and pet it to make it smell occasionally because it smells so good.

      I did take apart all the machines last week though and cleaned out even the motors which I think helped as they were getting a little green. I don’t think I’d ever pulled the motors out and cleaned them before so I need to put that on my rotation.

      1. GoryDetails*

        I’ve had good luck with cilantro and parsley – indeed, more of both than I was quite ready to use, though a batch of tabbouleh will take care of the parsley bounty, and some guacamole helped put a dent in the cilantro harvest!

        I’m not surprised that the rosemary wasn’t happy; it’s supposedly more of a desert plant, hot/dry/scanty-low-fertility-soil, none of which fits with a hydroponic setup. But maybe there are varieties that work better under those circumstances?

        1. just another bureaucrat*

          This is really good to know. I will stop fighting the rosemary battle, I do love it but if it’s not meant for my garden tools then that’s ok.

          I’m really excited to hear the cilantro worked out for you though, I’m going to give that one another good try. I’d love to have it. I’ve had the too much to use issue with the basil in the past but it’s a really good problem to have.

      2. Polopoly*

        I don’t do cilantro in the aerogarden. It’s a cool weather crop so direct sow it in a container early spring for the first round. You can let some of the plants go to seed in heat of the summer, and harvest the coriander seeds as a spice and for planting again in late summer or fall. usually goes to early December around here.

    8. BlueWolf*

      I’m still in the planning stages, but I’m doing inventory of all my seeds and planning my seed starting. I’m adding a second raised bed this year, so I’m adding more varieties of vegetables, which is exciting. Last year was my first year, so it was a lot of trial and error, and I think I have a better idea of where to place things and how much to grow of each. I’m also planning to do an herb spiral for all my herbs. It will be near our patio and visible from our kitchen window. Supposedly the herb spiral allows for sort of microclimates to grow herbs with different light and moisture requirements, so we’ll see how it goes.

    9. Quiet Liberal*

      I usually give up on spider mites and toss the diseased plants. I think by the time I realize I have an infestation, it’s a lost cause. Maybe I’ll try to spray plants “prophylacticly” (is that a word?) with the dish soap spray next summer to see if I can head them off.

      For cutworms, we sprinkle cornmeal around the young green bean plants until they are large enough to to be left alone. Just shake a bit all around the stem in the evenings. It’s worked great for us.

      We like to harvest green beans when they are young and tender. We snap the ends and blanch for about a minute until they turn bright green, then drain well. We have a food saver and vacuum seal about a pound in each bag. They freeze well and keep for a couple of years.

      1. Expiring Cat Memes*

        I would not have thought the beans would last that long, I guess the food saver really lives up to its name! We have one on hand, so good to know.

    10. GlowCloud*

      Yo, plants are my jam! This week, our Alpine Garden Society seeds arrived in the post, and I’ve started sowing them into pots! The cold-frame has survived last night’s gale-force winds, so I’m happy.

      Spider mites have soft bodies that are desiccated by contact with soap or alcohol. They are also so tiny their breathing is compromised by humidity, and they breed less rapidly at temperatures below 75F, so if your plant can tolerate a cooler zone, and consistent misting, they’ll be fine.
      As for recovery… It really depends how extensive the feeding damage, and what type of plant, but most plants will recover from even a severe attack, unless the mites managed to transmit a virus.
      It’s unlikely that mites alone would kill a healthy plant unless you leave them to munch for too long before treating the problem. Are your plants very young, or stressed to begin with? Or are you possibly ‘shocking’ your plant in your attempt to get rid of the mites? e.g. treating them to sudden intense periods of heat or cold… like an icy blast from a hose in January? That could be more kill than cure…
      I’d always recommend being vigilant & trying to keep the population controlled, since plant pests are usually only truly harmful in large numbers. https://www.cannagardening.com/spider-mite-pests-diseases

      I blanch my Broad beans – literally throw them in boiling water for just long enough to change colour a little, and then straight into cold water, dry on a towel, then freeze in a bag.
      I let some of my runner beans dry in the pods on the vine last year, before shelling them and storing them dry in a paper bag for a few months. They’re good for slow-cooked stews or chilli.

      For cutworms, cultivate the soil a few times to expose the grubs to birds before you plant anything. You could also break their lifecycle by covering the bed in Autumn, to prevent the adult moths from laying their eggs.
      If you still get them this year, you might be able to go out at night and pick them off your veg by hand, but it’s a bit labour-intensive.

      Hope that helps, Expiring Cat Memes!

      1. Expiring Cat Memes*

        A blast from the garden hose is usually welcomed by all things plant, animal and human here :) It’s summer and I’m in the subtropics, so our days are typically low 20’s (min) to mid 30’s (max) celsius with 80% humidity. I guess that means the spider mites are breeding as madly as they are able while being short of breath, LOL!

        I think they got to munch too long before I realised they were there. The plants were perfectly healthy a few weeks ago, it’s just unfortunately always my favourite begonias that I have trouble tossing out!

  16. Anima*

    This is not a school question, I promise.

    So, I failed two exams last semester and am going to retake them soon – on top of three other exams. I was really worried to fail anything at all and quite devastated as I did, expecting something bad to happen to me – but nothing happened. Not even my spouse being disappointed in me. Rather, he gave me tipps and helped me learn (where he could).

    So, here is my conclusion: I am surprised by this because I got screamed at for bad grades at home. And I reallyean screamed at this time, as in loud voice, angry face. My parents lost patience with me early on, especially in math, especially in elementary school. I always expected shouting matches when my grades where bad and went on to be quite the over achiever after school (never failed a class first time in uni, worst grade was a 2.7).

    So, my question: what epiphany regarding your behaviour and past had you lately? Is it normal to figure out stuff like that late in live and on my own?

    I probably will fail one or two exams this time, too, it’s CS after all, but I’m out more calm about that.

    1. merope*

      I am 53 and I’m still figuring stuff out about myself and my behaviour! And my mother (78) says the same.

    2. Turtle Dove*

      I had a similar experience in college. I was a top student, and that was a big part of my identity. A death in the family sent me reeling. I stopped going to some classes and failed some finals. The world felt different and weird without my over-achiever confidence. I rebuilt it: retook those classes and graduated with honors. It was okay in time.

      Funny you should ask about epiphanies this week. I had a big one — possibly the biggest ever — on Thursday. A friend described a health issue I’d never heard of. Suddenly I understood decades of my struggles. Huge relief! Now I can find better tools.

      I’m probably much older than you (60s), and I’m still figuring things out all the time. My mother lived into her early 90s, and it was the same for her. It’s normal in my experience.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      I don’t think those ah-ha moments ever stop. I think it’s a healthy sign to rethink and reframe things in the past. It’s definitely a healthy sign to recognize poor/abusive behaviors as unacceptable now. You’re growing but the growth is different now.

    4. Asenath*

      One of the great benefits of getting older is learning from past experiences – not just in the sense of learning from mistakes, although that’s important too, but looking back and realizing that Old Me has learned ways of reacting to things and dealing with them that Young Me simply didn’t have. And, less cheerfully, that certain personality traits seem innate, and some of them are beneficial and even enjoyable, but others…. not so much. So from remembering my past actions and reactions and how they worked out, I can sometimes (not always) tell myself “Sure that feels like the right decision, but isn’t in exactly the same pattern as several decisions in the past that didn’t work so well? Stop and remember and think!” It’s a lifetime process.

    5. Expiring Cat Memes*

      I’m in my forties, and my recent one was unpicking the shame I’d associated with my introversion and shyness. When I did something wrong growing up, my parents heavily shamed me about it. But when I did something well, they made Such An Embarrassingly Big Deal about it that the net effect on me was also shame. So as an adult, I was associating any kind of attention, good OR bad, with shame. Which has made a surprising number of things challenging, like ever accepting any praise or recognition, constructively advocating for myself, dealing with unwanted attention and wanting ungiven attention in healthy ways. (I’m not parent-bashing btw – they did their best – it’s just, this is how turned out).

      We’ll be having those epiphanies forever. I think on some level we expect to arrive at a point where we figure it all out and everything suddenly makes sense, but the reality is that life is a journey not a destination.

    6. fposte*

      I’m going to cheat and give you one that’s not lately at all. Years ago, I was early career and filled with suppressed rage with my boss (though I loved him and we’d grocery shop together because I had a car and stuff) for messing around as a deadline came up (and also as a way of dealing with my stress about the deadline). And he said something siblingesque in the “I’ve noticed, it’s annoying, but it’s not a big deal” about my being grumpy all day.

      I had come from a family where you *never* talked about anger, so it seemed like this huge world-destroying monster that we had to keep inside us. And to have somebody I liked and respected matter-of-factly treat it as just annoying grumpiness and demonstrate that you could even *say* caused an absolute epiphany about the unremarkability of anger.

    7. Disco Janet*

      Oh man, as a teacher I always really feel for students with parents who come down unnecessarily hard on them. It doesn’t help.

      I was reading a description of anxiety the other day that really resonated with me – that it’s like a bunch of voices talking about important-sounding things all at once, and you can’t keep up with all of them and get overwhelmed…but all the voices are you. And that the common thing to do is shut down and just try to ignore the voices – and yep, this is what I do and it is super unproductive and creates a vicious cycle. I’ve starting tuning into the voices instead of tuning them out, and writing down my thoughts until all the different ones are down on paper and I can clearly see the illogical parts.

      1. Jay*

        This was an epiphany for me as well and my first step into IFS (internal family systems) therapy, which has been life-changing. My most recent epiphany was the understanding that it’s OK if not all the voices agree. I can listen to all of them and try to figure out where they come from and I don’t have to get them all in harmony.

      2. Not a cat*

        My mother (who was a teacher) used to scream, hit and punish me for anything below a 90. So, I’d cry in school when I got a “bad grade.” A few teachers over the years called my parents about my crying in school, starting the hitting and screaming cycle over again. I didn’t have kids because I was afraid of doing the same to them.

    8. Siege*

      I don’t really do shame, but it’s been astonishing during the panini realizing how much of my personality is my neurodiversity. I’m diagnosed ADHD, and I’m starting to suspect autism though of course there’s a strong overlap in behaviors; I’m 45 and it’s just so new to hear people describing ADHD behaviors and going “…oh, THAT’s why I do that!” It’s because I’ve stumbled across more neurodiversity-focused tweeters as I’ve spent more time on social media, and it is buck-wild learning that yes, there’s a reason for that.

      1. Suprisingly ADHD*

        I can second that! It’s been the same for me, finding out how many of my habits and struggles are associated with ADHD has been mind-boggling. There’s a post I’ve seen floating around the internet that goes something like “either people with ADHD have to get a lot less relatable or I’ve gotta talk to a doctor.” It’s almost absurd how much my diagnosis changed my self-perception.

      2. AlabamaAnonymous*

        Siege, I’m assuming there’s a typo in your first sentence, and “panini” really should be “pandemic”? I hope so because that is the best laugh I’ve had all day! I am going to start referring to it that way myself, just as a way to bring a little levity to life :-)

        1. fhqwhgads*

          It’s a meme to call the pandemic the panini. I don’t know the origin but see it all over the place.

    9. A Girl Named Fred*

      This was a few weeks ago, but I was talking to my partner about something and as I finished a sentence I freaked him out by immediately saying, “Oh my God,” and staring blankly into space for a second. He asked me what was wrong and I said, “Nothing, I just realized that what I just said is exactly how my mother approaches things that scare her, and her example is probably where a lot of my fear and anxiety come from, and I don’t want to do it anymore,” and he grinned and hugged me because apparently he’s been waiting for me to figure that out for a while. (I’m stubborn, I wouldn’t have had the same epiphany if he’d pointed it out to me versus realizing it myself lol)

      I agree these kinds of things happen all the time! I’m actually hoping to get to therapy soon and see if I can have some more epiphanies about why I’m the way I am and which parts of that I enjoy and want to keep and which parts are no longer serving me. It’s gonna be a ride, I’m sure!

    10. Suprisingly ADHD*

      I have had very similar experiences overcoming things that were a huge deal to my family when I was a kid, that turned out to not matter at all to most other people. Things that got me screamed at for hours, don’t gain the slightest notice now that I’m out of that situation. It’s been quite a journey teaching myself better ways to handle it and talking myself down from anxiety attacks over minor things. I think that’s just part of growing as a person: learning that the scariest things from years past, can’t hurt you anymore. And on top of that, realizing exactly how MUCH you were hurt back then can be a shock, when you learn that it wasn’t necessary.

    11. Potatoes gonna potate*

      Over the last year or so I’ve been reading a little more about ADD/ADHD and — shocker — everything fits. I spoke to a doctor and was officially diagnosed last year in June but I still come across readings and posts and they all fit me! Since I’ve been sharing them so often, two of my friends have told me that they also suspect ADD/ADHD but not formally diagnosed (yet). But everytime I see it it’s like… a ha! It’s been a slow progression from telling myself that I’m NOT a “stupid __” (whatever words were used to me as a child) to accepting that this is who I am and I’m trying my best.

    12. marvin the paranoid android*

      Oh man, I feel like the last year has been one of these after another. Possibly the biggest thing for me has been realizing how much being in the closet/feeling dysphoric has affected my life. It seems really obvious, but somehow even though I secretly knew I was trans for all this time, I just thought it was some kind of side issue that I could manage. Only now that I’m starting to see the other side, I can appreciate how all-consuming the shame and fear of it has been. It’s actually a major relief to realize that this isn’t just the way my life has to be.

    13. RagingADHD*

      Oh, I keep figuring out so much about myself (and my parents) the older I get.

      This is how life is supposed to be. Wisdom and insight are supposed to grow and develop as we mature. If you only understood what you could see as a child or teenager, you’d be emotionally stunted for most of your life.

    14. Voluptuousfire*

      I was diagnosed with ADHD in October and taking a look back at everything a lot of things about myself that didn’t quite make sense now makes sense. It’s eye-opening! It’s nice to know that my brain just works a little differently.

    15. Anima*

      Thank you all for your insight!
      Quick disclaimer: my parents did their best, too, and I had a good childhood in other aspects.
      I seem to be figuring out how *I* want to live, in my mid 30s. Better now than later, I guess!

  17. Hmmm*

    Is anyone else stuck in the northeast snow storm this weekend?

    It’s cozy at home now but I dread the shoveling that’s to come.

    Stay safe and warm everyone

    1. The Other Dawn*

      Yup, I am. I’m just hanging out at home doing nothing at the moment. I’ll probably do some cleaning, put the rest of the outside Christmas lights back in the attic, and then clear the snow.

      I feel bad for my husband, who has to work 12 hours today. He works in aerospace building security and it’s shift work, so he needs to be there. His normal drive is about 60 miles each way, but luckily he has a 4X4 truck and made it there without any problems. When he leaves for home, the highways should be plowed at that point. I’ll have to pull out the snow blower later and clear the driveway for my husband. (I swear these winter storms are timed on his scheduled work days so I’m the one who has to clear the snow, not him. LOL)

      1. Texan In Exile*

        Whereas my husband and I are both home and argue about who will shovel – as in, the person who shovels gets to count that work as the day’s workout and be lazy the rest of the day. (Although don’t assume I like shoveling – I hate it – but I like efficiency.)

    2. rr*

      Yeah, we are in a blizzard where I am. I’m going to try and give myself a break on chores this weekend, as much as possible. I’ll do paperwork and cooking (which, will, of course, create a mess) and not think about the aftermath at this point.

    3. 653-CXK*

      Ayup…I’m in Boston and the snow is just beginning to intensify. We’re supposed to be getting 18-24 inches of snow by the time it’s over.

      I bought a Worx battery powered snow blower last year and it’s fantastic – it cuts down shoveling time by half. I will still have to do manual shoveling at first but once it’s down to a manageable level, the snow blower can take care of the rest.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        West of Boston: I went to bed Thursday night with 8-10 inches predicted and got up Friday morning to predictions of 23″. I felt very hard done by.

        I think we’re currently expecting around 18″.

      2. Damn it, Hardison!*

        South of Boston, and it’s coming down hard. My lights have flickered a few times. Very fortunate to have a lovely neighbor who fixed my snowblower yesterday.

      3. 653-CXK*

        I’m in the city of Boston (south of downtown) and so far we have about 6″. We’re supposed to get 18″ of snow.

    4. allathian*

      I’m in Finland, so not the same storm, but a blizzard’s just started. It even has a name, Valtteri, and it’s expected to drop about a foot of snow during this weekend.

    5. Falling Diphthong*

      *raises hand*

      I am on my own this weekend as spouse is traveling; neighbor kid will be paid to dig me out as chest surgery really limits that.

      Thursday I hit the grocery store, and it wasn’t packed. Friday I went to the library (would be closed for weekend) and health club (would be closed today) and to a lunch spot for one last not-made-by-me meal (would be closed today). The whole time I had the vague urge to go back to the grocery store and stock up, even though I was fine to feed myself for many days–something about impending snowpocalypse means we should stockpile more toilet paper.*

      So far we have a couple of inches of accumulation–I told my spouse and kids that if we were at a ski resort they would all be out skiing in this.

      *One thing that went right in 2020–at the start of March I was at the grocery store and thought “Do we have toilet paper? I can’t remember. I’ll throw in a big pack.” Two days later the panic buying started.

    6. WellRed*

      Yes though I don’t consider myself “stuck” ; ) it’s been such a non winter so far. I took care of errands yesterday. I love watching the snow, I have a pile of reading, food, tv. I’m good.

    7. Blue wall*

      I’m in Philly; it’s still snowing now, we have about five inches. I just went for a walk in my neighborhood and it was delightful! A few other people out too. Luckily no shoveling for me.

    8. Jay*

      Yup. New Bedford, MA here. I’m not sure exactly how much snow we have because I can no longer see out my windows. We’re supposed to get around two feet, give or take. My heat, stove, and hot water are all gas, and the building I live in has a substantial emergency generator, so I should be more or less all set.
      Best of luck to all of you out there in Blizzard Land, as 2022 gets itself off to a not-at-all ominous start!

    9. Choggy*

      Yup, I’m unexpectedly (but knew I’d have to) doing the thing of which we do not speak on weekends. I am grateful there is a blizzard outside instead of it being a lovely day! :)

      Also thankful hubby and I don’t need to do any clean-up, our expensive HOA is good for something I guess!

    10. GoryDetails*

      Southern New Hampshire, well inland; the snow’s picking up here now, as is the wind, and the forecast is between a foot and 18 inches of snow. I filled the birdfeeders, and the birds are definitely stocking up; I expect they’ll find shelter if the wind gets more severe. If the power stays on I’ll have a pretty comfy day, cats to cuddle, books to read, cocoa to drink – or some wine, if I’m in the mood – punctuated with trips outside to shovel the driveway in increments. (I’ve been watching the forecast for the Rhode Island coast, up to two feet of snow predicted; I left a trackable in a geocache down there a couple of days ago, and now it seems it may not be accessible until spring!)

    11. Pregnant during COVID*

      Yes I’m in NY watching the snow fall. We are out East and expecting up to 2 feet. Just finished cleaning out two massive junk drawers with my spouse and currently enjoying a mimosa.

    12. Potatoes gonna potate*

      Raising hand * here *

      I decided to bake the box of Trader Joe’s vanilla cake that’s sitting in my pantry for breakfast. Trying to figure out how to implement frozen cherries somehow. Because….why not? Making the “TikTok famous” tomato feta pasta later today except with goat cheese. Grateful to have a full pantry/freezer/fridge.

      Otherwise….I hate snow. I spent almost all day yesterday preparing bags for if we had to go to a hotel in case of a power outage. Pre kids I was never the curl up with a good book and cup of warm drink type but somehow I wouldn’t mind that now lol.

    13. Potatoes gonna potate*

      So since we’re on the topic re shoveling snow and I’m curious: do you all wait until the snow stops to shovel? My husband has always shoveled at least 2x during a snowfall. He says that if he waits til the end there will be too much and it’ll be too hard to clean off.

      1. GoryDetails*

        I definitely shovel incrementally when I can, especially the snowplow ridge at the end of the driveway – and including shoveling out my mailbox and a path to my Little Free Library. (The actual driveway can get more of a lick and a promise, as my Subaru can get me through most typical snowfalls, though I try to catch up on that as well.) The incremental shoveling also helps avoid muscle-strain (or worse – my friends-who-have-had-heart-attacks do not shovel anymore!).

        That said, I dearly miss the young high-school kid who cleared my driveway for me for years; he did a marvelous job, even cleaned off my car and my back porch, all for a very reasonable fee. When he went away to college and “retired” from snow-removal a couple of years ago, I meant to find a replacement, and never got around to it. I’m retired and don’t have to go anywhere for a few days so I can take my time, but I really should contract for proper snow-removal one of these days…

      2. Quiet Liberal*

        Always shovel a few times during the storm. Depending on the moisture content of the snow, it can get really heavy if you wait too long.

      3. Elizabeth West*

        I’ve always done that too. It’s just easier. The only time I don’t is if the wind is really bad.

    14. Chauncy Gardener*

      Yup! I did all my pre-storm prep yesterday, so have plenty of stuff cooked in case we lose power. Plus we have a wood stove insert in the fireplace that’s keeping everything nice and toasty, in front of which the dog and cat have claimed as their rightful place in the house. Of course.
      Wow, is it blowing! No point in shoveling right now since it’s drifting all over the place. I can’t even tell how much we’ve had so far. Nice to have a bit of downtime to do whatever I feel like doing!

    15. Wandering Anon*

      Vermont here. A dry nor’easter, which means the dampness that makes your bones ache and wind that freezes your butt, but no snow. Wind gusts of 30-40 mph, wind chill well below zero. Challenging to keep an old house warm.

      Looking forward to a better day tomorrow.

    16. Wishing You Well*

      Please stay safe, everybody on the East Coast. Stay inside, if you can.
      Fingers crossed for y’all.

    17. Elizabeth West*

      Is it bad to say I wish I was? Because it would mean I am not here!

      But seriously, y’all keep safe and keep your feet warm.

    18. Seeking Second Childhood*

      We did not lose power, we did get both properties cleared, and luckily we started early enough that when a shear pin broke, we still finished in daylight. But i overdid it and owww i feel old right now.

    19. Random Biter*

      North Coast here….we’re waiting to get hammered AGAIN this Thursday. I’ve had to have my plow guy out in the last couple of weeks more often than I did all of last year.

  18. BalanceofThemis*

    The search for a house is still ongoing. Unfortunately, I am losing out to a lot of cash investors. My real-estate agent says I may need to compromise more, but I’ve already started doing that and I’m not sure I can compromise on anything else.

    So people who have bought houses, what were some things you compromised on that you were at least ok with in the end?

    1. Double A*

      I just heard an episode of NPR podcast The Indicator called “Even You Can Buy a Home in Cash.” I can’t really summarize it, but there’s basically a new thing some realtors are doing that enables regular folks to make a cash offer. Could be something to explore.

    2. Generic Name*

      Well, the only things you can’t change about a house are location, layout, and lot size. Everything else you can change. I’m not saying it will be cheap or easy to change, but it’s possible. So think in those terms. You can also compromise on price (meaning increase your budget, obviously) if you don’t want to compromise on anything else.

      I’ve owned 3 houses. I grew up in a historic house, and I always assumed I’d eventually live in a charming historic home. That he’s not happened so far, and will probably never happen. In every place I’ve lived, those houses were not affordable or literally none were available in the area I wanted to live. So that’s been the biggest compromise I’ve been largely happy with.

      The other compromise I’ve made is style of home. I like traditional 2 story layouts with rooms with doors (see growing up in a historic home). Those houses just aren’t built in my suburban area. I compromised on a split level layout and it’s been fine.

    3. PostalMixup*

      Our wish list was, frankly, a unicorn. 4 bed, 2-3 bath, one of which was to be en suite (uncommon), decent closet space, (also uncommon), with a backyard suitable for kids, that didn’t need significant renovation, in a specific area, within our budget.
      We didn’t get the en suite bathroom or the closet space. But we got a way bigger backyard than we thought was possible, and a lot more space than we thought we’d find, with a great layout and amazing kitchen, and an attic conversion that could, someday, with a renovation, become that master suite that we’d hoped for.

      1. Generic Name*

        This is a great point. Can you ask your realtor on which aspects of your wish list seem to be the sticking point? Like you want a pool but only 1% of the houses in your area have a pool, to use an extreme example. Or maybe your desire for “move in ready” is not attainable with your budget for a single family home?

    4. I was told there would be llamas*

      My first house had a small kitchen and it drove me crazy for 14 years until I moved…this time I made sure I got a kitchen with more counter space than I know what to do with!

    5. Fellow Traveller*

      I really wanted a house with all the bedrooms on the same level, but we eventually went with a split level with two bedrooms below and two above. It’s no a problem right now because all my kids share one of the upstairs bedrooms and I think by the time we move them to the downstairs bedroom I’ll be glad for a little bit of separation.
      Also our house is super close to the freeway and the hospital, which I thought I’d hate because of the noise of traffic and sirens, but it actually hasn’t been terrible.
      The yard is smaller than what we wanted, but in retrospect, having less yardwork has been good for this stage of life.
      The house is in the location I wanted, and has two bathrooms and a larger kitchen then our first house. These were the things I didn’t want to compromise on.
      What is on your list of “must have”?

    6. Anon for this*

      I don’t have any advice, because we’re in exactly the same boat. We’ve lost two bids to cash investors and might lose a third (we find out on Monday). With every attempt we go a little farther away from the town center, a little smaller, and a little less updated.

      Sympathy! This is a soul-sucking process. I hope you find (and get!) the house you want.

    7. Television*

      My mom and I were in the market for a place so she wouldn’t have to worry anymore about skyrocketing rents. Our must-haves included a 2bd/2ba within 5 miles of my neighborhood at or under our budget.

      I’d submitted a very competitive bid on the one property in the neighborhood that met all those criteria…and then someone came in with an all-cash offer! After that defeat, my then-agent suggested we compromise on the location and price, but then became complacent with providing leads and with responding to properties we found interesting.

      My mom saw one advertised at well under market rate, and the listing agent responded immediately. We toured it and I put in an offer that evening, which was recently accepted. Long story short, we found a 3bd/2ba that borders a high-income city eight miles from the coast and $6k over our budget!

  19. BellaDiva*

    Does anybody have any experience with tactile allodynia? I hadn’t even heard of it until I asked Dr. Google about my symptoms, but a lot of it fits. Just light touches on certain parts of my body feel extremely painful, ranging from feeling like pressing on a bruise to feeling like a nerve is being pinched. For example, I can’t use my heels to push my socks down, as it feels like pushing on a sore muscle in my leg. However, I don’t feel any pain there otherwise. Also, there is a line around my hipbone where a light touch goes from slightly uncomfortable to “get your hand off me, you’re touching a nerve!” Same with my shoulders. I plan to mention it to my doctor next time I see her, but I am curious whether anyone else is dealing with this.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      While you are waiting for the appointment, how’s your water intake? Water is a vital thing. I am always amazed by how much less pain I have in my body when I am diligent about drinking water. I measure out the amount of water I need each day in the morning. I try to make sure I finish it off about two hours before bedtime, so I don’t have to get up as much.

      1. BellaDiva*

        Up until about a month ago I definitely did not drink enough water, but I started a healthier eating plan and drink at least six glasses per day.

    2. Sherpa*

      I had a similar condition, but only in one specific part of my body. It ended up being a congenital nerve condition that was curable with surgery.

      Doctors are sometimes weird about pain. If you are pretty sure you have this condition, find an expert or specialist and have them check you out. I went through several doctors who didn’t take me seriously (or gave me one treatment option and then gave up) before finding one who really knew his stuff.

    3. RagingADHD*

      When my skin is painful to the touch, it’s a symptom of a major systemic inflammation flareup. When I told my GP that it hurt to put on lotion, she sent me to a rheumatologist and my bloodwork came back with markers for rheumatoid arthritis.

      Fortunately, it was not RA but my other autoimmune issue that had gone haywire due to extreme stress. I was able to get it under control in a few months by making active stress management my #1 project for a while.

        1. RagingADHD*

          By active stress management, I mean all the regular stuff like nutrition hydration, exercise & sleep. Plus specific steps for my stressful situation – getting grief counseling and hiring respite care so I could get the exercise and sleep.

    4. WS*

      Have you been tested for B12 deficiency? That can affect nerve conduction and can show up in limbs first. Definitely something to check out with the doctor.

  20. Bibliovore*

    Contractor/ designer help
    After much thought I realized I can age in place. I love my house and my neighborhood.
    What I really really want.
    I want a deep soaking tub.
    I will need to renovate my bathroom which is rather small and sad prefab shower.
    Too much HGTV has made me think I could have a soaking tub, steam shower, and heated floors in that space.
    A wall might have to move. (What?!)
    I got a recommendation for a designer and for a contractor.
    What should we expect?

    What do I need to ask?
    What do I need to know?
    Pitfalls?
    I will put a link to the tub in the reply.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Just generally speaking-
      Ask around for referrals from friends/family. I picked out a doc this way and I did it with an email blast. I asked people to explain WHY they liked their person. Getting that explanation can be very telling.

      Figure on cost over runs. Either you forgot something or the contractor forgot something. Eh, it happens. You can argue about it with the contractor or you can simply pay for it and get what you want installed. I opt for the non-arguing option. For cost over runs, I add 20% to whatever the contractor’s estimate is. I have never used the full 20%. But there are always surprises as no human being yet can see through walls and floors.

      Same deal when you ask how long the project should take- add in extra time for unforeseens. I had a contractor working here who lost his dad. This stuff happens and I can’t be THAT person who says, “no. you have to stay here and work.” Add in more time than they say it will take. That project was supposed to be two weeks and it stretched out to 6 or 8 weeks. I decided to just hang in there and let them go through their processes.

      I dunno if you have more than one bathroom. If you only have the one bathroom work on a plan of how you will navigate having a toilet available for use. And kind of off topic, but consider getting a higher toilet and safety bars. I already have it planned where i will put safety bars if I need them.

      I have mentioned this before but it is so important- never underestimate the power of being kind. Contractors will put up with “silly” questions and maybe a couple changes, IF a person is kind. Kindness can include concern for their safety, concern for their needs materials/tools, and showing a bit of concern for anything they mention that concerns THEM, such as a sick kid at home or whatever.
      If you are looking for someone who might come back and do projects later on, be sure to mention that. Contractors LIKE repeat customers who are kind. You will get faster/better help than the nagging, nasty, person across the street from you.

      1. bibliovore*

        Thank you. The designer and contractor were both recommended by my grief councilor.
        (who I am starting to refer to as my grief councilor/ concierge- he found me a dog trainer, a synagogue, a retreat on lake superior, a meal plan, work coach- say no, can’t right now, a program of light television watching- Great Pottery Throwdown, After Life, and makes many good book recommendations-This Thing Called Grief, The Field Guide to Dumb Birds of North America etc)
        The designer because I have a huge deficit in spacial relations.
        Yes, eventually the living room/dining room area will need a redo.

        2. ronda*

          if you want the other rooms done too, I might have the designer and contractor work up a plan with doing all of it and a plan with just doing the bathroom and see if you might just want to get it all done at once rather than in stages.

          the heated floors that I have seen them put in on This Old House seem like they might be very nice depending on where you live. Also the towel warmers that are installed on the wall as a kind of towel bar set-up seem very nice. My last rental had a huge bathroom counter, loved it. I am now in a place with a tiny bathroom vanity and really think I didnt appreciate the counter space enough at the time. My laundry was in the bathroom at last rental (and it is next to bathroom in this one). This is very nice, cause most of my dirty clothes do end up in the bathroom. And electrical outlets !! the apartment I am in now only has one in the bathroom. 2 plugs is not enough. storage needs in bathroom? current bathroom is very limited, one before that was huge vanity, laundry closet and a linen shelfs area in the bathroom It was kind of the king of bathrooms.
          The master baths at new homes of relatives have a separate toilet room in the bathroom, I am not sure I would care about that, but if you have the room, maybe you do.

          I will say back when I owned a house and had work done, I rather disliked the process. noisy, dirty, taking longer than expected and costing more than expected. So know it will be an unpleasant thing but at the end you will get a nice upgrade, so it will be worth it.

          your concierge sounds awesome! I wish I had one.

          1. Random Biter*

            Here’s a bathroom question. My house was built back in the early 60’s which means the bathroom wasn’t exactly high on the “nice” list. The tub is standard tiny with a shower that was added later and has one of those push/pull faucets that I hate (I always feel like I’m pulling it out of the wall). The bathroom is also a bit crowded. I had a spinal fusion a few years ago which greatly impacted my range of motion, add some arthritis into the mix and lifting my leg to clear the side of the tub (and I only use the shower) has gotten awkward and painful (along with 5 grab bars). I decided I’d like to have a walk in shower (no door for a couple of reason, just a full length shower curtain with the slight ridge to keep the water inside the shower). Problem is, this is the only bathroom and I’m afraid that selling a house with no tub would be problematic. My daughter who works in marketing at a senior complex says more and more older people want homes without a tub and to not worry about it, but of course I do as I suspect it will be on her shoulders to sell the house at some future time. So….any opinions to tub vs. no tub?

      2. Melon*

        Great advise only I would double the contingency and timing buffer in These Times. Also check with your designer, but lead times on fixtures are a Thing. Don’t waffle, make a decision based on what’s feasible and buy as far in advance as possible if it’s something you really want. If you’re more neutral on a product and don’t want to buy right away, just know you’ll likely need to reselect (and get material cost and design time overruns).

    4. bibliovore*

      yes, I have two bathrooms. The upstairs one that there is nothing wrong with except might need re-grouting.
      The downstairs one is the sad one.
      Oh yes grab bars are essential.
      AND I want a fancy japanese toilet!

      1. B*

        Yes to the fancy toilet, I have an entry level model and warm water,warm seat and warm air dry is not to be under estimated. BUT the cleaning of such a toilet is – different. Also plan for extra space around your toilet in case you eventually need helper bars or a walker in the future.

        2. Dumpster Fire*

          Along with the extra space, I’d also suggest getting “double-duty” accessories when possible. For example, I replaced regular towel bars with towel bars that (when installed correctly) are ADA-compliant grab bars. I even found a toilet paper holder that is a small but ADA-compliant grab bar! They’re nicely finished and you would never know by their looks that they’re so sturdy.

          1. fposte*

            Oh, that is brilliant! I have a towel bar that I’m pretty sure is not installed to be ADA compliant but has still been useful for the occasional steadying moment. The TP holder is insanely clever.

    5. Expiring Cat Memes*

      I would say to consider how you will get a bathtub into your bathroom. Getting one out is fine, it can come out in pieces – IN is another story if your home is delicate. I was a little disappointed when I realised that the lovely deep bathtub in our family bathroom is moulded plastic… but then when I remember how difficult it was to get our furniture up the split level staircase I’m just happy to have any bathtub at all really.

      So happy for you Bibliovore that you have decided to stay in your lovely MCM home, and I hope you keep us updated on your reno journeys. Particularly on how you go with the Japanese toilets (my husband wants us to replace all 3 with fancy, heated, butt-washing musical varieties!)

      1. Bibliovore*

        OMG! I just realized that the tub would fit in the bathroom but there maybe no way to get it IN!
        Thank god for the designer.

        Yes. Mr. Bibliovore and I spent two weeks in Tokyo. I’ve wanted a fancy toilet ever since.

        1. the cat's ass*

          I did a homestay in Osaka with Girl Scouts and never wanted to leave that bathroom! The toilet in an alcove with a basin! The sunken Tub/shower room with heated floors! The best known brand is Toto and they are available in the US. Enjoy!

    6. Not that Leia*

      Accurate budget estimates. Both designers & contractor can help with this. But typically you should plan on an additional 20% project costs on top of your construction cost budget. (That covers design costs, permit fees, etc) And you should have a construction contingency (often around 10%) to take care of unforeseen items. Being realistic about costs up front will make the process less stressful throughout.

  21. Let me be dark and twisty*

    Solo travelers — has anyone taken a cruise? I’ve cruised before but always with family or friends, never on my own. What was your experience like? Would you recommend it to other (introverted) solo travelers?

    FWIW, I am not a particularly social traveler and always keep to myself. Most of the cruises I’ve researched tend to emphasize social activities and “meet other people!” but that is not something I would enjoy.

    1. pancakes*

      I have traveled alone and would not consider a cruise. I like being able to set my own itinerary for the day and go off exploring, and to research the best local restaurants and bookstores and whatnot, so being trapped on a ship with limited options does not appeal to me. If you just want to read and lay in the sun it may be just the thing for you, though.

    2. Jay*

      I’ve actually looked at a few “themed” cruises over the years. Usually things I am already very interested in, so I would basically be spending a week traveling around on a giant floating buffet with the kind of people I would like to have conversations with, anyway. Then spend a day hanging out in a place I want to go with the sort of people I wouldn’t mind being around for a little while.
      I haven’t pulled the trigger, yet, but it sounds like a really fun vacation, at least to me.

      1. Windchime*

        I admit that I’ve been tempted to check out “themed” cruises, like a knitting or quilting cruise. Even if I went alone, there would be a lot of like-minded people there so that might be fun.

    3. Bluebell*

      One of my favorite things about traveling solo is wandering down streets and discovering things randomly. I just can’t imagine that working with a cruise.

    4. GoryDetails*

      I like to travel solo, and would love to be on the water, but the typical cruise-ship setup doesn’t appeal to me. I have looked into things like those coast-of-Alaska cruises – more “gape at the amazing scenery” than “next event on the lido deck” – but haven’t found one that tempts me to all the travel-overhead necessary. (I don’t like being away from home for too long at a time, even if I have reliable pet-sitters for the cats.) I’ve also been tempted by those “join the crew on a sailing ship” cruises, though that would have been a better fit when I was younger; not sure how much hauling or climbing or stowing or rowing I could do now!)

      But I have sometimes taken ferry rides or harbor cruises or whale-watch cruises, all of them day-trips; scenery, history, time on the water, not too much of a commitment. Maybe see if there are harbor-cruise equivalents in places you’d like to visit otherwise, and add it to the itinerary?

    5. Colette*

      I’ve done a few cruises, but not alone. I like that it takes the travelling out of travelling- you wake up and you’re somewhere else. When you’re in port, you can do excursions, or wander on your own. As long as you’re back by the posted time, you’re on your own schedule.

      I’m not a fan of lounging by the pool in general, but cruise ships also have libraries and quiet areas, and sometimes have talks or trivia you can go to. (I did one in the Mediterranean that had a lecture on the 7 wonders of the ancient world.)

      If you travel alone, you’ll be at a table with other people for dinner. (You can go to the buffet, but I recommend the sit-down restaurant). It’ll likely be the same people every day.

      But cruises are priced for 2 people per cabin, so if you go alone, it’ll probably be expensive.

    6. Sleeping Late Every Day*

      Maybe cruises organized by Smithsonian or similar organizations, that include lectures and stops at historic or cultural sites?

    7. RMNPgirl*

      Yes, I did Norwegian’s Alaska cruise a couple years ago. They have cabins for solo travelers so you don’t get hit with the single penalty. They also have a cruise director assigned to the solos who arranges activities that you can join in if you want to. We had dinners together and laser tag and things like that.

    8. Max Kitty*

      I did a California coastal cruise a few years ago. DH didn’t feel like going, so he stayed home with the cats.

      It was nice. I read, napped, worked out, went to the spa, all when I felt like it. I enjoyed sitting on the balcony, watching the water. I didn’t feel like I was pushed into any more interaction than I wanted to have.

      Some lines have solo cabins, but otherwise you’ll be paying double fare. On the other hand, I got double credit toward status!

    9. Seeking Second Childhood*

      The closest thing to a cruise that sounded interesting to me was friends who went to Norway and took the overnight ferry system up the coast with layovers in certain cities. Obviously it doesn’t work if you’re interested in Caribbean weather with swimsuits!

  22. Washi*

    Any recommendations for movies/TV with realistic portrayals of pregnancy? I’m right in the middle of my 2nd trimester and suddenly realizing how often I see someone get pregnant on a TV show and they just…continue with their lives. Maybe there’s a stray mention of nausea or a scene of them eating something random, but even in comedies with physical humor, there is not burping, farting, barfing, constipation, heartburn, weird dreams, restless legs, random pains, confusion over gas vs. baby moving…stuff that seems like it would make for some funny and relatable moments!

    I’ve actually struggled quite a bit in pregnancy, mainly due to nausea that is still continuing in week 22, and I would love to watch something that didn’t make me feel like baby myself for struggling more than glowing.

    1. fueled by coffee*

      I *adore* Call the Midwife, about nurses/midwives in London’s East End during the 1950s-1960s. Definitely lots of talk about nausea/swollen ankles/heartburn and so on.

      That said, you may or may not want to watch it while currently pregnant, since it’s a medical show so mixed in with the healthy pregnancies there are also episodes dealing with just about everything that could possibly go wrong, so if that might make you anxious you may want to hold off for now.

      1. Chaordic One*

        “Call the Midwife,” is a train-wreck of a show. I can’t stand it, but (like a train-wreck) I can’t look away. The conflict caused by old social mores and prejudices that were still present in the 1950s and 1960s; the scared ignorant patients; the 1960s “Mad Men” fashions; and the noble midwives, nurses and doctors (with surprisingly enlightened and liberal 2020s morals and values).

        And all the SCREAMING! (Usually from women in labor.) SO MUCH SCREAMING!

    2. Fellow Traveller*

      I completely agree! I chalk it up to the fact that the entertainment executives are mostly men. Hopefully that’s changing, though.
      I really liked the movie Away We Go.
      I also really identified with the way pregnancy and postpartum were handled in Superstore.

    3. Double A*

      There’s a couple of episodes of Crazy Ex Girlfriend when Heather is pregnant that are pretty amazing. She does fine until her 3rd trimester, then gets real cranky. There’s also an amazing song about giving birth. Also I love that in the birth scene they all go to the hospital expecting drama and she’s just chilling in bed and is like, “Oh yeah, I got an epidural, I feel fine.” You never see that represented on TV!

    4. Cyanotype*

      There’s an HBO mini-series called Expecting Amy featuring Amy Schumer during her pregnancy. A lot of vomiting – very little glowing.

      1. Washi*

        Thank you for this! Just cried my way through the first two episodes. I don’t have HG but do have an emotionally intense job where I have to be in front of people pretending not to feel terrible, so Amy’s experience even as a comic is surprisingly relatable.

    5. sagewhiz*

      No suggestions but a question: are you getting enough Vitamin B? Sometimes that can be a cause of the ongoing, later-stage nausea during pregnancy.

    6. Anonanon*

      Hands down best fictional depiction of pregnancy is the third season of the Mission to Xyxx podcast even though the pregnant person is an alien creature with more flaps and chutes than the typical human.

      Sarina Bowen rights pregnancy well in her romance novels where a pregnant character shows up.

      No movies or TV shows come to mind, sadly. One Bad Mother podcast (non fiction) is highly relatable especially if you start from the beginning and line up your pregnancy with theirs.

    7. Janet Pinkerton*

      I mean, it’s an experience that a full half of the population (and the half with more cultural power/influence, especially over media) can’t ever relate to. I’m not saying that’s a good thing, but I think that’s probably why.

      I’ve found a lot of camaraderie in talking with other people who have given birth. They’re like universally happy to talk about the struggles, it seems. But I don’t have any media recommendations.

      1. Washi*

        True! More than half the population won’t experience it directly even, since not all women have biological children. That said, if you include the non-birthing partner, it’s way more than half the population! My husband has a pretty up close view of what I’m going through and could definitely relate, albeit differently, to a more realistic portrayal.

    8. Aspiring Chicken Lady*

      My nausea was a low level irritant well into the 2nd trimester. I hear ya!

      But then the bump starts taking over a bit, and you get to deal with the clothes things and the bladder things and wondering if people just think you’re fat …

      I suspect that folks who write movies/TV hand-wave a lot of this because they’re trying to get to the end. And so many have not been actually pregnant.

  23. Ancestry/genes that question*

    I’ve been very into tracking my ancestry for a while and just received the results of my DNA test, and I have a few questions that I haven’t been able to find the answers to online!

    My DNA seems to have primarily come from my mom’s side, which is Scottish, English, and Welsh (makes up 90% of my ancestry). Which is interesting because my grandfather on my dad’s side was 100% German, both of his parents came to the US from Germany in the late 1800’s, yet I only have 3% Germanic Europe. I thought I must have inherited my paternal grandmother’s side more, which has been found to be English and French (but I had zero French in my results).

    I know that it’s possible that perhaps my paternal great-grandparents weren’t really German, even though they lived there. I’m having my parents take a DNA test, interested to see their results!

    Is anyone familiar with how genes pass down from parents and grandparents? I’m quite happy to be mostly Scottish, I’ve always felt a connection to Scotland for some reason. I guess that’s why! heh.

    1. fueled by coffee*

      Two possibilities:

      1. Parents each pass 1/2 of their DNA on to their children, but it’s a random half, not necessarily equal contributions from each grandparent. It’s possible you got more alleles from your paternal grandmother’s side than your grandfather’s just due to the randomness of which half of your father’s genes you inherited.

      2. People moved around within Europe even before the 1800s, so DNA tests are based of off probabilities and frequencies of certain genes being in common in certain places, but it’s not absolute fact. Your grandparents could have moved from Scotland (or wherever), or they could have been in Germany for generations but ended up with DNA sequences that are probabilistically more likely to show up in Scottish than German people, so the test marks it as likely Scottish. All of the above also applies to the “missing” French genes from your grandmother.

      Either way, you still get to be culturally German-American and celebrate family traditions and so on that were passed down! DNA tests are interesting but they are not determinative.

      1. Ancestry/genes that question*

        Thank you so much! This is all very fascinating. My mom’s ancestors have been in the states for generations, almost all of them came to British Colonial US during the late 1600s. I’ve been able to trace them back to southeast England, Scotland lowlands and highlands. And a sprinkle from her mom’s side in Northern Ireland. (I’m a redhead too, classic)

        I’m very interested to see what my dads dna results say, he would be so upset to learn that perhaps he might not really be German. He’d probably call the test a lie :D

        1. peasblossom*

          Just underscoring fueled by coffee here: take dna tests with a massive grain of salt. To flatten it out slightly, they operate under the assumption that cultures are closed systems (that germans marry other germans and then produce more germans for example) when the reality is that people are a lot more migratory than that and have been for centuries.

          And whatever genetic makeup the tests indicate has no bearing really on whether someone is really of a particular culture! Your dad is German-American regardless of what the tests say.

          1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            Yes! Most of the redheads that get attributed to Ireland and Scotland are actually throwbacks to Scandinavian invaders :)

            Conversation I have had:
            Person A (to me): “Do you have Irish ancestry?”
            Person B: “Her name is Ginger O’Lastname and look at that red hair! Of course she does!”
            Me: “I was actually born a Lastnameson, and my family heritage is almost entirely Swedish, nary a drop of Irish that we know of. Cheers!”

            1. NeonFireworks*

              My surname is from one of my parents and makes me sound like I’m half [nationality]. I am indeed half [nationality], but it’s because of my other parent – the one who’s never lived in [nation].

          2. Cj*

            That’s what I was thinking. Even if your paternal grandparents ancestors have been in Germany for Generations, it’s very possible that some or many of them married people of different ancestry.

            Even if they had German last names going back a long ways, if maiden names weren’t look into, there could be a lot of other DNA mixed on there.

          3. tangerineRose*

            I’ve done the Ancestry.com DNA thing, and it *constantly* adjusts what it thinks my ancestry is. Fortunately, I was more curious than invested in it.

          4. Chaordic One*

            Yes, take them with a block of salt. My ancestry is half Irish and half German, and while Irish and German showed up in my DNA test results, they said that I was 60% English and that I also had a small amount of Scandinavian ancestry. I suppose that part of it has to do with the English and the Vikings invading Ireland, but also, people did indeed move around quite a bit thousands of years ago. I would imagine that people from England and/or Scandinavia moved to or invaded Germany at some point in time. Those European countries are not really all far away from each other.

            1. Maxie's Mommy*

              I learned I’m German, Scottish and mostly English. I tell people that means I want a drink, I want it now, and I want you to pay for it.

        2. Seeking Second Childhood*

          Queen Elizabeth II has German ancestry, Queen Victoria’s children married all over Europe…and royalty brings staff when they move.

    2. MMB*

      The estimates provided are just that. Estimates based on the gene pool of people who’ve tested with that company. Ancestrydotcom for example, is notorious for overestimating Scottish and other UK percentages. If you upload your results to My Heritage and FTDNA you’ll definitely receive slightly different results. There are some great discussions about the topic on Reddit’s genealogy and ancestry threads.

    3. pancakes*

      There can be quite a bit of variety among the testing companies. Have a look at the LiveScience article, “I took 9 different DNA tests and here’s what I found.”

    4. Koala dreams*

      Ethnicity and nationality is only loosely related to DNA. You’ll have to use your judgement, just like with other clues for your ancestry. Also, it’s possible to belong to several ethnicities or nationalities.

      There have also been some critics of DNA testing specifically, as their accuracy depends a lot of their database of genes. I don’t understand the science behind it myself, but you can find articles online.

    5. really*

      My niece did this and the results were interesting. One part said England and Northwestern Europe. What is Northwestern Europe? Scandinavian countries (which we already had on the list), Ireland, Part of France and Germany. All things being equal half of her would be English, Irish, Scot, French German, Swedish. With Swedish and German being predominate. As far as not being ethnically what you think, I had a great grandmother who was Swedish but born in Finland.

    6. RagingADHD*

      There’s a lot of Viking and Germanic DNA in the British Isles. I can’t imagine how they divvy that up in a reasonable fashion.

      I recall watching one of those ancestry TV shows, where Henry Louis Gates got DNA results with supposedly zero African genes. Not “a little.” Zero. Which was of course contradicted by his family history.

      Those results are for finding where your living relatives are now. They don’t tell you much about where your people used to be.

    7. photon*

      Commercial ancestry DNA testing is very close to being a junk science (sorry, “for entertainment purposes”). They use some small set of alleles (which they deem proprietary) that may or may not meaningfully represent a population.

      Most people get some junk, and the uncertainty goes way up the more mixed you are. If you try out multiple companies, you’ll get different results – and they can be *wildly* different!

    8. Person from the Resume*

      Your genetic ancestry is 50% from each parent so, no, your DNA did not primarily come from your mom. You can’t know which 50% came from which parent. But I’m pretty sure that the 50% of your dad’s DNA that you got isn’t necessarily 25% from each paternal grandparent.

      Like everyone else said the ancestry determination is pretty much just for fun and little science especially as they get more specific about location.

      1. pancakes*

        Not quite accurate — mitochondrial DNA (mtDNA) is passed down only maternally. I don’t know which companies test it but it looks like someone made a chart on ISOGG dot org.

    9. Daffodilly*

      My husband has worked for 4/5 biggest companies that do this. We’ve taken all 4 since they make it free for employees/families.
      Zero consensus on the results. Absolutely none.
      A magic 8 ball would be about as accurate.

    10. unpleased*

      These tests conflate relatively recent political entities called nation-states with genetic heritage, which is problematic. It creates a pretty ahistorical view of race and ethnicity because of an underlying assumption that nation-states are far more homogenous than they are.

  24. I'm too young for this*

    Any recommendations on good non-English period dramas/historical dramas? My husband and I are currently watching Ekaterina (about Catherine the Great, in Russian) and I’m looking for something similar. In German or Russian would be a bonus. I’m not super interested in the time period post 1900. Thanks!

    1. Valancy Snaith*

      It’s just edging up to the turn of the century, but Charite is a German drama series that takes place in a hospital in the 1880s.

    2. Washi*

      I enjoyed the Barber of Siberia, which I think is early 1900s but still pre-Soviet. Also, it doesn’t fit your time period, but I also really liked the TV series Red Queen, about Soviet supermodel Regina Kolesnikova. It’s all on Youtube though so bonus for easy access!

      I love period films but am not into Soviet filmmaking for that genre, so I’m curious if others have suggestions for Russian language stuff.

    3. AceInPlainSight*

      A few years ago there was a miniseries Софья (Sofia) about Ivan the Terrible’s grandmother, first Tsarina. It was beautiful!

    5. Koala dreams*

      German movie: Amour Fou. Warning: suicide. Sad romance drama set in 18th century.
      Russian movies: the movies about Erast Fandorin are historical mysteries set in 19th century.

      I’ve also heard good things about Charité.

    6. CatCat*

      French drama on Netflix called “Bonfire of Destiny”. “Lady J” also French and on Netflix. “Cathedral of the Sea” (Spanish) on Netflix.we

      If you like really soapy dramas, “Love in Chains” (Russian) on Amazon and “Empresses in the Palace” (Mandarin) on Amazon. There’s another I liked called “Magnificent Century” (Turkish) that was in Netflix, but they took it off so I’m not sure where to watch it.

      1. Heckofabecca*

        Seconding Lady J! Gorgeous filmography and costuming.

        Magnificent Century is available with English subtitles on Youtube. :)

    7. Tex*

      Ertugul (spelling?) was a Turkish production about the Ottoman era. I haven’t seen it yet. I think it had a spin off series as well.

    8. Aneurin*

      With the caveat that I haven’t seen all of these myself but have heard good things about the ones I haven’t seen:
      – Anno 1790 (Swedish, tv series, set in the late 1700s)
      – Portrait of a Lady on Fire/Portrait de la jeune fille en feu (French, film, set in the late 1700s)
      – Effi Briest (German, film, based on a book from 1895 – the one I’m thinking of is from 2009, but there were a couple of early adaptations)
      – Paula (German, film, late 1800s, biopic of painter Paula Modersohn-Becker)

    9. Random Biter*

      If you get the chance, definitely watch any of the programs hosted by Lucy Worsley. They’re not dramas but delve into the past of Britain at many levels (although mostly to do with the royals). I’m probably now more conversant with British history than my own American! She’s entertaining, not at all stuffy and pretty ribald at times.

  25. WellRed*

    So I’m hoping the commenters can shed some light on recreational pot smoking. I’m not into pot but hey, whatever floats your boat. As a person who likes wine, I would never drink it at 10:30 in the morning or crack open a beer at noon on a workday. Frankly, I’d think it was a problem. But the same notion doesn’t seem to apply to smoking? Why is it ok to wake and bake? Or is it?

    1. suggestion*

      It depends. Weed can help with anxiety, it can increase appetite, it can help some people focus. It doesn’t have the debilitating physical dependence long-term chronic alcohol use can cause. The real issue is that thanks to categorizing weed as a Schedule 1 drug (along with heroin, LSD, ecstasy, and mushrooms all of which except heroin have therapeutic benefits in mental health) it can’t fully be studied since only the federal government is allowed to study schedule 1 drugs and we don’t know full benefits or drawbacks. So right now, the only answer to your questions are mostly based on bias and stereotypes of weed smokers.

      1. pancakes*

        This isn’t quite accurate. It hasn’t been reclassified, but the federal DEA ended restrictions on the supply of marijuana to researchers and drug companies in 2016. Prior to that researchers could only use marijuana grown by the DEA itself. Also, it is quite biased to say that the only answers to this question — why do some people enjoy toking up in the morning — can come from “bias and stereotypes,” as if personal experience isn’t also going to factor in. It’s not a question that has a single correct answer.

        It is misleading to suggest that the other drugs you mention aren’t “fully” studied. Have a look at the work being done at The Johns Hopkins Center for Psychedelic and Consciousness Research, for starters.

      3. The Other Dawn*

        I agree with all this, suggestion.

        My nephew is 35 and smokes recreationally–a lot. He cultivates his own, too. Although he enjoys it, it really helps his anger management issues. He’s been a very angry person for many years, and pot is the only thing that has helped. (Plus he just doesn’t want to be on meds.) The difference in him 10 years ago to now is night and day. He can now hold down a job, he’s getting ready to propose to his girlfriend, he has a car and an apartment, and he’s not an out of control jerk anymore, to put it bluntly. Without the pot, he’s someone I could see going to federal prison for violent crime.

        My brother smoked pot recreationally his entire life. When he was diagnosed with late-stage cancer, it was the thing that helped with the pain, increased his appetite, and kept him emotionally stable.

        Two friends of mine use it for pain management, one of which also uses it for anxiety.

        It’s been a lifesaver for all these people, and all of them used it throughout the day as needed.

    2. Anona*

      Nesting fail! Copied from below.

      My husband and I vape (we have a device that blows hot air over the cannabis into a bag, and we then inhale that). We treat it like alcohol, only consuming at the end of the day at home, after work. We don’t drive high, that kind of thing.

      I also don’t understand/can’t relate to people who use pot before work or go to work high.

    3. pancakes*

      Because being stoned is different than being tipsy, and because the tastes of wine and beer are ones we have both socially conditioned and personal expectations around. I saw a group of German tourists drinking beer around 10 am while having breakfast in a Lisbon cafe and while I didn’t think there was anything problematic about it, that’s just not my beverage of choice at breakfast. A Bloody Mary, yes, sometimes. I like Bloody Marys very much but wouldn’t think to have one with dinner because the time of day and prospects for pairing it with foods I tend to eat at that time of day just don’t appeal to me. Similarly, I wouldn’t smoke a variety of pot that tends to give people couch-lock in the morning, but a speedy sativa that will give me energy to clean the house, sure.

      1. Dino*

        Variety of effects from different strains are a big one. I’m an everyday cannabis user, although never before work since the work I do requires all of my faculties. If I am wake and bake-ing, it’s a small amount of sativa in a one-hitter pipe while I turn on some music and clean, or meal prep, or do an art project. I’m definitely not doing bong rips or dabs at 7am, although I know some do.

    4. wingmaster*

      So for me – I’m one of those people who doesn’t have an appetite for breakfast. It’s something I probably should have in order to have a productive day…but I usually screw myself over but skipping breakfast and only having a coffee. A wake and bake helps me get an appetite for breakfast, which will allow me to have a good start to the morning.

    5. Generic Name*

      My husband is a daily cannabis user, and although he doesn’t have a medical MMJ card, he uses it primarily medicinally. He has chronic pain from an old injury and he feels more focused when he uses. He does have a puff before he goes to work, but he is not high, if that makes any sense whatsoever. He does get high sometimes on his off hours. For the record, he says he doesn’t think it’s OK to get stoned in the AM.

    6. Aphrodite*

      When I was young, in the early 1970s, and very stupid (and weed was illegal) I decided to try something just to see what it was like. I decided to use one day to smoke pot. So from the minute I woke up to the minute I went to bed I lit up regularly. (Why anyone didn’t turn me in at work–surely I stunk up the elevator–I will never know.) The unsurprising result was that it was awful. I mean. awful beyond description not just that day but for three weeks afterward. I couldn’t be anywhere around it without feeling very sick and sluggish. Even though I didn’t tend to do a lot anyway I ended up cutting even that back. I didn’t touch it again until the recreational weed became available in California. (And it took about two years after it was legal because my town didn’t want to allow a pot shot; I took a Saturday and drove to a town about an hour and a half away to buy some. I use it only occasionally the way I do wine, as a kind of celebration, not to relax or ease tension (better things like exercise, hobbies or meditation for that) but for “fun.’

    7. Sabine the Very Mean*

      Cannabis and alcohol don’t belong in the same conversation when it comes to functioning in life. Not even close.

      1. Chestnut Mare*

        I think it’s a very helpful conversation. I have zero experience with any kind of cannabis usage; I’ve never tried it, no one I know uses it, I work for an organization that completely forbids it, etc. so this has been enlightening for me.

        1. Sabine the Very Mean*

          What I mean is, when discussing merits or pitfalls of cannabis, it shouldn’t be in comparison to alcohol. Like comparing Apples and Acorns—not even apples and oranges.

          1. Chestnut Mare*

            Yes, I know what you meant, but my point is that until this discussion, I had no idea of the distinction. To me, prior to this, it appeared very much as an apples-to-apples comparison. I’m still not convinced they’re as far apart as you claim, but I’m trying to be open-minded.

            1. Sabine the Very Mean*

              One is pumping your body full of refined sugars and the other uses your body sugars. The reason many compare these non-comparable substances is because of how society taught us about drugs in general.

            2. Sabine the Very Mean*

              I’m an all-day daily user and have been for the last 12 years. I work for a state government agency in charge of about $27 Million annually and a staff of PhDs and and J.D.s. It’s not permissible to be stoned in my job either but I am. I’m really good at what I do and cannabis only contributes to my success at work.

              I can tell you that I experience as much joy when I color in a coloring book as I do when I visit my local botanical gardens. I dream as vividly and with as much entertainment and enlightenment as watching a powerful opera or film. I look forward to every day find beauty in almost every aspect of my life. I credit this to cannabis as well.

          2. Dino*

            I could be considered a stoner and I think this discussion can be useful. I think it’s natural to want to understand the distinctions between things. Given how scary weed was made out to be for decades and stigma about admitting cannabis use in many places, the conversation needs to be had.

            I will say, those with substance use issues will use whatever substance they can to that end. I’ve had several family members switch from alcohol/opiates to cannabis. I would take them using cannabis over those other substances any day of the week, since I didn’t have to worry about them dying or ending up in jail. But they also weren’t dealing with their underlying issues or functioning at healthy levels.

            Myself, on the other hand: I’ve never had substance abuse issues except during times of abuse/denial of access to mental health care when underage. I was consciously using substances to alleviate mental illness symptoms and had no issues stopping once I was finally allowed to get treatment for said chemical imbalance. I now smoke weed again and consume alcohol, but never to help emotional pain. I also make it a point to take time off those substances regularly.

            tl;dr: addiction is an illness, but overindulging with cannabis is nowhere near as dangerous as just about any other substance that people can overuse. Cannabis is nothing like alcohol, but not enough people are willing to talk about what it’s like to be high vs drunk because it can hurt you socially/professionally.

      2. Aphrodite*

        I am not comparing. I simply use both wine and weed in the same way: not often and only deliberately as a kind of appreciation and celebration. A good meal with wine, a good evening with weed. Nothing more, nothing less, at least for me.

        1. Sabine the Very Mean*

          Oh I’m with you there. As far as recreation, yes people use both for similar reasons. In my opinion, people who use drugs, weed, or alcohol are using in search of spirit (Creator) but I know many don’t agree.

    8. Morning reader*

      I don’t advocate “wake and bake” but for those who do it, I think it’s quite a different experience than alcohol.

      My experience with alcohol is that, whatever time you begin drinking, you pretty much write off any kind of functionality for the rest of the day. I know there are “functioning alcoholics” who drink more constantly and maintain basic functioning, but for most people, when you start to drink, you need to be finished with anything else beforehand. So there is cocktail hour or happy hour at the end of the work day, and drinking while socializing, usually on evenings or weekends. It is a social custom not to drink if you need to do anything else, and for good reason. For most people, it’s impossible to do anything useful while inebriated. Or tipsy or really any level of noticeable effect of alcohol.

      On the other hand, many things can be done while slightly buzzed on marijuana. (As noted, different strains, different effects.) It can be good for tedious work, things that are mindless and repetitive, but that need doing anyway. Some people like the effect for creative pursuits, too. The key difference is that it wears off and leaves the consumer as sober as she was 4 hours ago. So, for a person with things to do, she could smoke in the morning, be productive in the afternoon, and perhaps have a glass of wine with dinner or before bed. If she reversed that and had the glass of wine in the morning, she’d need a nap in the afternoon.

      It’s certainly possible to smoke in the morning, smoke all day, and not do much all day as a result. It wouldn’t work for most people. Just anecdotally, I’ve known some people who seem to function better while usually stoned. My suspicion is it helps their ADHD, or some unknown brain chemistry situation.

      I know there are exceptions to all of this, especially among creative people. I would never think Willie Nelson or Bob Marley were impaired by their use; they seem to be enhanced by it. But Ernest Hemingway and Mickey Mantle? Could they have been even greater if they weren’t impaired by alcohol?

      TL:dr : alcohol (usually) impairs more for the rest of the day; marijuana (usually) can be done in 3-4 hours with little after effect, depending on the type and what it’s being used for.

      1. Esmeralda*

        Have to disagree re alcohol. I used to grade undergraduate papers w a glass of wine. I did a very good job while slightly buzzed. Main difference was I was less rigid with my rubric, which was generally a good thing.

      2. Lurkyloo*

        I realize that I’m way behind on this reply (Happy Monday!), but wanted to add this. My son is on the spectrum, high-functioning. He smokes throughout the day and I asked him why this past summer. His statement was that it helps his conscious and subconscious align. His mind used to race constantly, creating problems when he needed to concentrate like in school and subsequently, work. He says that smoking weed brings everything together so he can function. He rarely gets ‘high’, but smokes daily (including first thing in the morning).
        :)

  26. otterbaby*

    I’m moving back to the US in April – California, to be exact. I’ve lived in England for the past 8 years and will be moving back with my English husband and half-English baby!

    I’m looking forward to it but I’m nervous as well – it’s been so long since I’ve lived there. Can any Californians spam this thread with things they love about the state? I want to start getting excited about making it home again! We will be moving to a city around the area of Napa/Sacramento/San Francisco (where I grew up).

    And please no comments about why we’re leaving England, US is terrible, etc…I’m well aware of the flaws and negatives (of both countries!) but it’s the right choice for us and I’m looking for a bit of positivity :)

    1. JustForThis*

      I’ve never lived there, but San Francisco is one of the most stunningly beautiful cities I’ve ever been to. Plus great sushi!

    2. SpiderWort*

      My sister lives near Modesto and spends a lot of summers near Santa Cruz. The beaches and preserves near the Pacific Ocean are her happy place!

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I lived in Santa Cruz and loved it. Would go back but it’s prohibitively expensive now.

      2. Skeeder Jones*

        I lived in Santa Cruz for 3 years while going to school there and it’s amazingly beautiful and the redwood forests are so beautiful. It’s a great place to visit to see beautiful beaches and redwood forests all in the same day. But I definitely agree with Elizabeth, it is so expensive, and it’s a place where there are too many people for the size of the city. Traffic can be horrible on streets that weren’t made for that many cars. It’s a great place to visit though!

    3. GoryDetails*

      I have family in the San Francisco area and have visited several times – not the same as living there, of course, but it is lovely! The coast highway is delightful, there are museums and art galleries galore, the food is to die for… Hope you and your family have a safe re-entry!

    4. Reba*

      I no longer live in California, but if you are a nature person… or a food person… or an architecture and culture person… You can’t go wrong! the Central coast and Norcal landscapes and seascapes really speak to my heart. A couple years ago we had the chance to do a road trip from the redwoods to the lava beds, many hidden gems!

    5. anon for this*

      I spent a summer interning in the Central Valley and then paid San Francisco an extended visit on the way back. It was absolutely amazing. I loved the scenery, loved the climate (at least of the Valley – SF gets cool and foggy in the summer), loved the food, loved the museums, loved the parks, and loved the people I met. Incredible amount of culture. Amazing parks. Sunrises over mountains, sunsets over ocean. Sacramento is surprisingly hip these days – full of interesting food and drink and cultural goings-on (local mural projects everywhere). I didn’t get to half the things on my list for San Francisco and cannot wait to go back someday.

    6. Double A*

      I live in the Sierra Foothills (about halfway between Sacramento and South Lake Tahoe) and it’s one of the most beautiful places I’ve ever been that also balances access to cities and towns of all sizes. I can take a day trip to complete remote isolation or to one of the premiere cities in the world. Literally any type of recreation we could want is easily accessible to us. Whenever we go on vacation, on the drive home we’re always like, why did we even go anywhere? Because where we live is like a dream vacation spot for most people.

      Even though the US has a lot of problems, being in California can be a reprieve for many of them. I never worry about access to reproductive health. I just had a 6 month paid maternity leave, mostly enabled by a state program.

      We definitely have our political problems (housing!!) and it’s expensive, but that’s because so many people want to live here and there’s a reason for that. And our taxes do pay for services that are lacking in other low tax states.

      And even though it’s increasingly hot and on fire every summer, I do feel we can adapt and I wouldn’t want to live anywhere else. I was born and raised in California, but lived in Seattle for a long time, which is kind of weather equivalent to the UK I think. When I moved back to California, the warmth and friendliness of California was really wonderful to come home to.

      Basically, it’s a good here as it could be anywhere! I love it.

    7. Pippa K*

      In terms of the bright side of returning to California after years in England – you’ll be able to get good Mexican food again! (In my view this is one of the few advantages the US has over the UK)

    8. CatCat*

      I love the weather. I had space for a bit of a garden last year and plants do so well here. I love the variety of options for both urban and outdoorsy/nature activities. High quality produce is available year round. Mountains? We’ve got that. Coast? You bet. Desert? Sure thing.

    9. Eden*

      I recommend checking out Bill Bryson’s I’m A Stranger Here Myself – it’s a collection of newspaper articles he wrote about moving back to the US with his English spouse and kids. It’s very charming and funny. Plenty of the specifics he gets into aren’t the same anymore, it being decades after he wrote it, but I find that the underlying philosophies still seem pretty relevant. My family was gifted a copy when we moved to the US (not from the UK) and really really enjoyed it. Maybe skip it if you are currently only looking for positives (understandbale!) since he doesn’t shy away from either the good or the bad. But it’s not a negative book overall.

    10. The Prettiest Curse*

      I lived in California for 17 years before returning to the UK. I miss the sunsets and all the nature and wildlife that you can’t get in the UK – hummingbirds, lizards and all the different types of trees. I miss Peet’s coffee, and I really miss having a lemon tree just off my back deck!
      Oh, and I miss that people tend to be more laid back and informal there than in the UK. Best of luck and I hope you can return to the UK at some point!

    11. Rara Avis*

      The ocean! Hiking! Lots of fun food options! Really great kid museums: the Academy of Sciences in SF, for instance.

    12. IGoOnAnonAnonAnon*

      This morning, I strolled out of my house in the 50-degree sunshine and wandered up the street to the coffee shop, then over 2 blocks into Golden Gate Park. Walked eastward through the park to the Inner Sunset, got a Tartine croissant and more coffee, and then strolled all the way out west past the bison paddock to Ocean Beach. It’s January, and it’s 55 and sunny here in SF! Welcome back to NorCal!

    13. Mostlyalurker*

      Bay Area born and raised checking in! One of the best things is the weather- as I write this it is a glorious 65 degrees outside, with warm sun and not a cloud in sight.
      Are you an outdoorsy person? There’s so much open space to explore and walk/hike through, and you can get to just about any kind of scenery you want in a few hours drive. Sunny beach? Head west. Bougie wine regions? Napa/Sonoma has you covered (and I have to put in a plug for the Livermore valley too- tons of cute little wineries, with a much more friendly/folksy feel than Napa). Rugged mountains? Couple hours east. Wide open rural spaces? North. And on and on- you get the idea.
      If food is your thing- somewhere in the Bay Area will have an amazing restaurant serving pretty much any type of food you can imagine.
      Lots of great museums and options for arts and culture too!
      Do be prepared for a lot of smiling and small talk with cashiers though! It’s kind of a weird vibe if you’re not used to it or are more on the introverted side. I moved to New England in my early twenties and spent over a decade there and I will say it was quite an adjustment coming back to CA- I couldn’t figure out why everyone in the grocery store expected me to be so dang chipper all the time!
      But really- it’s an amazing place to live! Welcome back, and I hope your move and adjustment is as smooth as possible

    14. Pam Adams*

      I’m a Southern Californian from the basic suburban Los Angeles-adjacent areas. Mountains and beaches within reach, but my favorite is weather- it’s 65 degrees Fahrenheit today, and we just bought sweet peas and poppies for our raised beds. (We will put them in tomorrow)

    15. Filosofickle*

      The natural beauty here in the greater Bay Area is out of this world. Within an hour or a few hours, you can be in the city or at the ocean, the mountains, the desert, the forest. There are so many trails and protected lands! So much blue sky! It’s endless. In a time when travel is extra complicated, I appreciate that I can vacation in my own state.

    17. Maxie's Mommy*

      Groceries—Costco, Trader Joe’s, Vons, Sprouts. Little local stands. The strawberry fields by the freeway that you can smell before you can see them. Tell me anywhere else you can get fruits and veggies like this. And this doesn’t include easy gardening, such as scraping your canteloupe seeds into your garden and just standing back.

      1. pancakes*

        We have Costco and Trader Joe’s on the east coast as well – what we don’t have is Berkeley Bowl, Bi-Rite Market, and the Embarcadero farmers market!

    18. the cat's ass*

      Welcome back! NorCal has certainly had its share of not great recently, but I would never want to live anywhere else. Great food, weather and people. I live in the EBay, and my commute to work is so beautiful i pinch myself every morning. And I’m v proud of how folks here have handled the panini (I hope i can say that).

    19. Jane*

      I used to love camping in Lake Tahoe as a kid, hiking up to Eagle Lake, too. I always wanted to go in the winter as well, but never made it. The redwoods by San Francisco – gorgeous.

      In n Out and 7 Leaves (Vietnamese coffee) are some of the things I miss most about California.

      1. Jane*

        Oh and reading Steinbeck, especially his short stories, always makes me miss California… He really captured the beauty of central CA in his descriptions.

  27. Coenobita*

    I recently learned a tiny thing that has changed. my. life. and I wanted to share.

    My senior rescue dog is currently taking 12 pills per day (yes, I know) and I was at my wits’ end trying to get him to actually ingest the medicine. My house, dog, and self were ending up covered in cheese and/or peanut butter and it wasn’t working. Then someone from the rescue suggested liverwurst and it is MAGICAL. You could smush anything in there and my dog would gulp it down. (I don’t think I had ever seen liverwurst before in my life – pretty sure the only reason I knew it existed is from reading The Cricket in Times Square as a kid. But I want to shout this from the rooftops because it has given me back what seems like hours in the day.)

    Anyone else have a small triumph to share?

    1. Not So NewReader*

      Liverwurst and dogs. I am wondering how I got to be this old without knowing/realizing this. And I have eaten liverwurst since I was a kid. I really like it. I am keeping this one on file for my little buddy. thanks!

    2. A313*

      That’s awesome! I know how hard it can be to medicate pets and the toll it takes when it doesn’t go smoothly!

      My small achievement this week was finally going through all of my products in the bathroom closet. I have a known allergy, so sorting products that contain it was important, but in reading (the teeny-tiny print) ingredients, I am wondering about some similar ingredients. At any rate, it’s all sorted and separated — wow I have more than I ever thought — and I can ask my dermatologist about specifics. The mess and disorganization in that closet was weighing on me more than I thought!

      1. Coenobita*

        That sounds SO satisfying! I recently organized a small hall closet and I need to put other things in the freed-up space (that was the whole point) but now I just want to enjoy at my minimalist closet for a while. :)

    3. Girasol*

      Did you see the news article about the dog that ran out onto the sea marsh and was led back to safety by a drone dangling a sausage on a string?

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Yes! And they had to send out another sausage because he caught one. Jack Russell Whippet cross, that’s one energetic, fast, motivated dog!motivated

    4. Suprisingly ADHD*

      Not just dogs, my cat is a fiend for liverwurst! When we have it in the house he won’t eat any other treat, and every time someone takes it out he shows up immediately, and follows them around until he is certain it’s all gone!

    5. Sleeping Late Every Day*

      Oh yeah, braunschweiger or liverwurst is like crack for dogs, and it has enough smell and flavor that it’s great for hiding pills.

    6. Pam Adams*

      In my dog show days, the favorite ‘look alert’ treat was liver- take fresh liver and simmer it in a pan until cooked through and somewhat firm. A stainless steel dog food bowl works well as a pan.

    8. Angstrom*

      The person slicing meat at the deli counter in the supermarket told me that one can ask for the “ends” from the meats. They had a small pail of them. Very popular with dog owners! I got a couple of pounds of turkey ends at $2/pound which were a big hit with our furry friends.

    9. Free Meerkats*

      Our cat with kidney failure needs subcutaneous fluid every day and it was a struggle. A fried suggested a box with a heating pad in the bottom that only comes out about an hour before fluid time along with a small bowl of lickable treat when finished. First, she’s a fiend for any box, and the heating pad on medium (covered with a towel) means she’s in it as soon as it hits the floor. After a while, I warm up the fluid, sit down on the floor and stick her, fill her up and just before I pull the needle, give her the treat. It’s gone from a struggle to her pretty much looking forward to it every evening.

      I’ll try the liverwurst for her morning pill.

  28. No Longer Fencer*

    31 weeks tomorrow and staying indoors. Knitting a baby blanket, walking on the treadmill, trying new dessert recipes, reading. What do you wish you did 3rd trimester, pre-kids? The virtual baby shower isn’t for another 3 weeks and I’m assuming the newborn weeks will be tiring and grueling and miserable bc everyone says they are.

    1. Anona*

      Eating out! It’s harder to enjoy being in a restaurant when you have a kid, at least until they’re old enough to have someone babysit them.
      And making/buying more one-hand-held foods like runzas.

      1. No Longer Fencer*

        Thanks re: runzas!
        Not eating out for awhile, Doordarshan only, since the last time hubs and I ate at a restaurant we got Omicron :/

    2. Macaroni Penguin*

      I wish that I’d been able to pause for a week and reflect on my pregnancy. Basically, I went into labour ON my last day of work. (Week 39). So, there was no transition period from employment to maternity leave. Little Chick unexpectedly arrived a bit early! My advice would be to use Time Off two weeks before your due date (if possible).

    4. Fellow Traveller*

      I wish I had taken more pictures of me while pregnant. Not like fancy maternity shots, but every day shots of just life, some with my husband and kids. I think when I was pregnant I always felt big and gross so I never took pictures, plus my husband takes awful pictures. But now I wish I had more memories and records of what it was like. And maybe also more journaling.

      1. Dark Macadamia*

        I remember one time asking my husband to take a belly photo of me and he centered my stomach instead of my face so it was incredibly unflattering. I cried and he was completely baffled lol like “didn’t … didn’t you want the photo to show your stomach?!” But yes, get someone to take some CUTE informal photos, I only have 2-3 from each pregnancy and I wish I had more.

      2. University Schlep*

        Agree, I had a couple with my first and I had a friend who wanted to take pictures of me with my second but I was so tired and busy with the toddler that we never got around to it and it was one of my big regrets about the second he was born because I knew he was my last.

    5. curly sue*

      I meal-prepped and *packed* the chest freezer with more than a month’s worth of individually-packaged meals that could be eaten one-handed, and it was a lifesaver both times. So. many. calzones and turkey-rice wraps eaten over baby’s head while stuck on the couch…

    6. Ellie*

      Napping. Sleeping in! I’m pregnant with my 3rd and still salty we get up at 6am everyday. Dates with my husband where we can talk and connect. Napping.

    7. Felis alwayshungryis*

      Hard question, since I was last pregnant pre-pandemic – but things like seeing friends (even virtually) for intelligent adult conversation, spending time together as a couple, doing stuff for yourself without expecting interruption any second, making and eating meals that require two hands. Do take some nice bump photos, and get some video of it wriggling around too!

      Also, don’t dread the newborn days too much – accept any help you can, don’t expect any more of yourself than keeping the baby clean(ish) and alive, and get lots of snuggles and huff that sweet little head all you can. It’s exhausting, for sure, but it helped to remind myself ‘you can be tired, or you can be tired and mad about it’. It’s more tiring to be mad about it.

    8. Double A*

      Late on the reply because the internet are my last one, but I always wanted to get as much exercise as possible…but weather and just the reality of pregnancy made that impossible. So what I really wish was that I had signed up for Momma Strong before I have birth and has gotten into the habit of doing their workouts.

      The workouts are 15 minutes and geared towards people in every phase of pregnancy and postpartum. I signed up for it 8 weeks postpartum with my second, and I wish I had signed up for it 3rd trimester or sooner with my first! Definitely recommend checking it out.

    9. Very Social*

      I wish I had spent more time in the warm water (ninety-degree) exercise pool and actually packed some hearty snacks in my hospital bag.

  29. Teapot Translator*

    I finished Richard Osman’s second book this week. I don’t usually visualize characters when I read. But now, I’m wondering if the books were a TV series, who would play the four main characters? I love British TV series, but I don’t know many British actors in their 70s or 80s. If you’ve read the series, who would you cast?
    I think Judi Dench could be Joyce, but I’m stumped with the others.

    1. Max Kitty*

      Spielberg has bought the rights to the Thursday Murder Club, and his company Amblin is planning a film version.

      Helen Mirren as Elizabeth
      Derek Jacobi as Ron

      1. Max Kitty*

        To clarify-Mirren and Jacobi are my thoughts, not who has actually been cast! I’m not sure that the production has moved forward that far yet. Richard Osman joked that he’s getting multiple contacts from Meryl Streep, but he’s leaving the production to the film crew.

      2. Berlin Berlin*

        If you have Derek Jacobi you simply must to have a role for Ian McKellen; it probably says as much in his rider

        1. Teapot Translator*

          Hmmm, Ian McKellen can play Stephen, Elizabeth’s husband. But he can’t play Ibrahim, the fourth main character.

      3. Teapot Translator*

        I also thought of Helen Mirren for Elizabeth!

        Can Derek Jacobi play working class? Because Ron is from a working class background, no?

  30. J.B.*

    My youngest child was recently diagnosed with autism. I’ve posted before about seeking a diagnosis and it has been a ride. It’s a weird feeling-this explains her behavior and I can at least get her on looong waiting lists. Hopefully her school will no longer refuse an IEP.

    She is so sweet and funny but family has sometimes been the toughest to deal with. Some think she’s a bad kid because of the food restrictions and because holiday meals are tough! I’d appreciate any suggestions about what to look for in speech language therapy and how to deal with family. I have mostly cut my dad off for many reasons, but for other relatives I’ve got to balance what to say and how much time we can be around them.

    1. Generic Name*

      How old is your child? It sounds like school age? They should be eligible for speech therapy through school. Ask school for an IEP evaluation, and provide them with the medical diagnosis of autism. Ask that they do an evaluation on speech and language development. I had to take the evaluation report to my son’s pediatrician to have them write a prescription in order for him to have insurance coverage for his ABA, and you can provide that same letter to the school. I’d also provide them with the evaluation report. Get everything they tell you in writing. Legally, public schools cannot deny services because it would be expensive or inconvenient for them.

      Schools typically evaluate children using typical same age peers as a standard. If your child is performing academically at age level, it will be more difficult to get services. If this applies to your child, look up “twice exceptional”. Many children with autism diagnoses are also gifted, which is extra challenging because for those kids, performing at grade level is actually underperforming when measured against how they could potentially be performing. It’s a tough needle to thread.

      1. Generic Name*

        Forgot to add, ask for the evaluation in writing. Legally, a school has to do an evaluation when you ask in writing. They cannot just blow you off.

      2. J.B.*

        I hired an advocate after the original IEP denial, and we got the school district to pay for an independent evaluation. For anyone else in this situation an advocate has been the best investment I ever made!

        I hope they will provide speech. I will probably still stay on the wait list for private therapy, but I’m glad speech services through school are fairly typical.

      3. Elf*

        PLEASE do not allow anyone to do ABA therapy on your child. It focuses on training kids to PRETEND NOT TO BE AUTISTIC. Many kids are quite successful at learning to pretend not to be autistic – at the expense of being able to do anything else. Think of it like doing long division in your head – with enough practice you can probably learn to do it, but you won’t be able to learn history or play a game or relax while doing it.
        ABA is really widespread, but it was invented by the same people/psychiatric movements that invented conversion therapy for gay kids, and is considered by many autistic people and organizations to be abuse.

        2. NeonFireworks*

          Thirding – I am NT, but my autistic friends who went through ABA said it was completely inhumane.

    2. Double A*

      In terms of explaining some of her restrictions and needs, analogy can be helpful. So for dietary restrictions, you could say something like, “It’s like an allergy. If she eats that, her body will feel terrible.” (This only works if they believe in allergies; not sure what level of ableist your relatives are). Or if she’s experiencing sensory overload, you could explain that it’s like being at a rock concert when X is happening, so she can’t focus on Y. To help her with that, you do Z.

      Obviously you’ll need to adapt these analogies to your kid’s particular needs and your family’s understanding. But people who refuse to try to understand you can limit/end contact with.

    3. Smol Book Wizard*

      I’m autistic and also a pediatric occupational therapist, so I’m doubly glad that you and your daughter have found answers and ideas about how to help her.

      In terms of food restrictions, be aware that they can change over time – just because she hates something now doesn’t mean it will be an issue forever. Try to remove the stress around foods at your home and model low-key reactions for your family members.
      When I’m explaining sensory issues to parents I usually talk about them like “everyone has different set points for how sensitive they are to sound/taste/texture etc., some people can wear shirts with tags and some always feel the tags, some like their music turned up and others think that’s way too loud, and some can tell the difference between brands of cheese and some don’t see what the fuss is about” – everyone knows someone in their life like that, and you’ll often get someone answering like “oh, yeah, I hate tags in shirts too.” Sensory sensitivity is a natural range of human variation, and we only tend to label the extreme points, but it’s part of life for everyone.

      I don’t know how open you have been with your child about the diagnosis and the journey, which of course depends on her age as well – but I would suggest that you talk to her about it, if you haven’t already, about how peoples’ bodies and brains all work a bit differently and so when she reacts differently to things than her friends do, that doesn’t mean she’s bad or not trying hard enough.
      Also, please don’t do ABA therapy. I know it’s popular, but its risks and drawbacks are much greater than any observable benefits, to put it mildly.

      Personally the autistic kids I’ve seen be most successful with communication are those who are offered a variety of options to communicate – verbal language, picture exchange system, app, sign language etc. – and whose adults model and encourage communication by whatever means. I am not a speech therapist, but this is what I’ve observed in my work. I would recommend finding a speech therapist who’s open to investigating different options for communication and finding out what combination of tactics work best for your child, since being able to express wants and needs easily is (of course!) a big element of reducing negative behavior. Another thing to normalize, too – some people talk with their mouths, some talk with their hands, some talk with their cards or their tablet. The important thing is being understood and understanding.

      I’ll keep an eye on this thread and be happy to talk more if you like. Hopefully this novel of a post is useful in some regard. Blessings to you and your kiddo.

      2. Healthcare Worker*

        As a fellow occupational therapist I agree. We all process things differently, and it’s important to recognize the uniqueness we each have.

    4. Co in ki dinks*

      Both my kids and myself are autistic. When I told family, I was relentlessly upbeat about the diagnosis ‘this explains why x gets too wired to sleep at night, and why y can be really anxious in social situations. It’s great to learn more about how people’s brains work differently ‘. For my diagnosis, I told people that I was happy I got my diagnosis, or so pleased. You might want to look up ASAN (Autistic Self Advocacy Network), they have a free book you can download which is a great starter. I know you have not mentioned ABA, but I understand this can be heavily pushed in the US, many autistic people who received it as kids have PTSD as a result. It was developed by the same people who developed ‘gay conversion therapy’ for the same reasons. Also, many autistic kids go on to develop in their own way, perhaps later, but eventually, so don’t worry too much. Providing a wide range of communication choices, and working out your kid’s sensory needs can make a huge difference to their quality of life

      1. J.B.*

        Thank you, it’s great to hear from adults about their experience. I come from a long line of quirky people and I’m sure there are undiagnosed relatives.

      2. Melody Pond*

        I was going to suggest ASAN (the Autistic Self Advocacy Network) as well. Also, I recommend staying far, far away from the organization Autism Speaks. My own diagnosis is pretty new, but my understanding is that Autism Speaks is an organization widely regarded (by autistic folks) as doing more harm than good to the autistic community.

        Also, I’d specifically recommend looking for ASAN’s articles on functioning labels (why labels like “high functioning” and “low functioning” are harmful to autistic people) as well as identity-first vs person-first language (e.g., I don’t “have autism” – I *am* autistic; it’s a feature, not a bug, and you couldn’t take autism away from me without destroying a huge part of what makes me who I am).

        (sorry for the excessive use of parentheticals.)

    5. Just a different redhead*

      I was diagnosed a couple of years ago at 34, and it definitely explains a lot. Some things that helped me were that there was always some kind of food I could eat at family gatherings, even if there were comments about it sometimes. People being ok with my just wandering around or sitting very still looking at small detail things like spots on the ceiling or plants/flowers and how they beaded, absorbed or otherwise shed water or how they grew around each other.
      I don’t know if it helps, but I second what Smol Book Wizard said about openness – when I finally did get my diagnosis, one of the most liberating things about it was the knowledge that my experience was actually really different to a greater extent than typical from everyone else’s. As in, there wasn’t something wrong with my perception and I wasn’t overreacting to stimuli – I was literally just experiencing the whole thing differently from others in the same situation and reacting to that.
      If you don’t mind I’ll try to track down a couple of links to things that might be helpful and post them in reply here.

      1. J.B.*

        Oh I would love those links, thank you! I think your family’s way of handling it has a lot to recommend it. And dragon mom can probably gradually reduce the comment frequency :)

    6. Lucy Skywalker*

      If she has a diagnosis of autism, she most certainly is eligible for an IEP. If the school refuses, contact your state’s parent training and information center. Each state has at least one, and you can find yours by googling it.

  31. Grace Less*

    Where can I buy rings? I’ve gained a lot of weight (life, pandemic, etc) and none of my rings fit. Also, if I’m being really honest, I’m jealous of the beautiful rings my newly engaged/married colleagues wear.

    I don’t want to spend Tiffany money, but I also don’t want my fingers to turn green. I see some rings at Kay Jewelers for about $200 — what’s the quality like? Could I/should I look for rings at a pawn shop? How do I choose one that is safe to visit (yes, I know that sounds snobby but I’m alone and live in a new-to-me community).

    1. fposte*

      If you’re okay to shop online, have you looked on someplace like Etsy? Artful Home also has some cool jewelry. In a few months art fair season will begin and there are often very talented jewelers at those. I don’t ordinarily have a huge indie bent but for something like jewelry it really opens up the possibilities. Online is also good for sustained browsing and shaping of tastes when you’re first deciding what you like.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Yes — my husband got my engagement ring on Etsy, we got our wedding rings there, and I just ordered him a ring there as a Christmas gift. (He got a picture of it on Christmas morning so I could make sure he liked the design and so I could have him go out and get properly sized before I actually ordered, so I didn’t spend a bunch of money on something he didn’t like enough to wear or that didn’t fit well.)

    2. WellRed*

      A local independent jeweler/gallery might offer some great options if you find one whose style you like.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        Seconding this–a good way to find something more unique.

        I have some pieces from Na Hoku (based in Hawaii) that I like.

    3. Pay No Attention To The Man Behind The Curtain*

      I’ve purchased from Kay and found them to be a little overpriced, but good quality and service; no complaints, just expensive. And they seem slightly less interested in the sale the less money you want to spend…that’s pretty normal in sales of luxury items… but still.

      You might do better at a small local independently owned jewelry shop rather than a chain; check reviews and look for GIA certified. Small shops also might resell previously owned items, or sell on consignment, similar to a pawn shop.

      I don’t have experience with a pawn shop, but I imagine you could get a good deal.

      You could also look into getting your current rings resized. A good jeweler can make them bigger…depends on how much bigger and the material they have to work with.

    4. pancakes*

      I’m not much of a ring person, but I was browsing Local Eclectic recently and spotted a few I liked. If you like vintage, have a look at estate jewelry sites too.

    5. CatCat*

      If you like gold, I recently bought a necklace from Automic Gold online shop and it is very nice. They have a couple rings I’ve been eyeing.

      I also like the style of an artisan named Beth Cyr and have a silver ring and some pendants from her online shop.

      You can buy a ring sizer so you are sure to order the right size.

    6. RC Rascal*

      Have you considered having the ones you own resized? If they are made out of metal (gold, silver, platinum, etc.) a jeweler can handle that for you. If they are fashion rings made from nickel, then you are stuck.

    7. Sleeping Late Every Day*

      If your not anti-silver, there’s a ton of good stuff on-line. Novica is a huge online jewelry store that contracts with artisans all over the world, and they actually tell you who makes it and in what country. It’s shipped direct from those countries, but pretty fast considering distance and current difficulties. You can also order through various charitable sites (UNICEF, The Hunger Site, and several other organizations) and they seem to offer the same jewelry, so Novica might just be the name some of them use.If you use a charity site to order, they get a small donation. I bought a blue topaz ring last month for under $25 and it’s beautiful and well-made. I think there are some gold pieces available, but I wasn’t looking for those.

    8. Laura H.*

      Look at regional places too. Full disclosure I work at one in my area seasonally so I’m biased. I know that my regional place has lovely sterling silver rings (the sterling the regional company uses is nickel free- they use copper.) that I enjoy.

    9. Aurora Leigh*

      My husband bought my engagement ring (and wedding band) from James Allen online. They have lots of styles

    10. Skeeder Jones*

      Like other commenters, I would also recommend Etsy. I have bought several rings from siren jewels, I love her raw stone rings and have 4 of them in different stones. I would use the chain jewelers to find out my ring size and would then buy a ring off of Etsy. You’ll get an amazing selection, have something unique, and be supporting independent artists/craftspeople. I don’t buy jewelry in stores at all anymore.

    11. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Look online for jewelry suppliers, especially if you’re looking for something simple like a larger plain wedding band. Rio Grande is one reputable company.
      Consider pawnshops. Mostly they’ll be charging by weight of metal & stone.
      For both, there will be less markup than a store selling all new jewelry, because the stores are the ones who can provide variations & customizations.

  32. wingmaster*

    I have a 2WD SUV, handed down from my parents, who are from sunny SoCal. I recently moved to an area where it snows (Colorado). I am closer to the city, so I’m where the roads can get plowed often. A lot of my friends and neighbors do mention that I probably should get an AWD, which I understand. I just would need some money saved for a down payment, and realistically, I wouldn’t shop until beginning next year.

    My question – should I get trade-in/sell my current SUV and buy an AWD (and have a monthly car payment) or get snow tires/chains for my current SUV, and not have to have a car payment (SUV is already paid off). I might drive into the mountains for ski season, but other than that, I use my car to commute to work, drive to the grocery store, etc. I know the market is kinda crazy too..I appreciate anyone’s thoughts!

      1. unpleased*

        In my experience from living in a wintery location, the RWD could be a problem. Snow tires can help, but a FWD is a lot safer in icy conditions. My brother had a RWD and it caused problems starting from a stop on icy roads and turning because of the propulsion from the back. You want to avoid fishtailing as much as you can.

    2. Generic Name*

      Do you know how to drive in the snow? If you are an expert in snow driving, snow tires on a 2wd car is just fine. If not, get awd. Remember all wheel drive does not mean all wheel stop, especially when driving on ice.
      -signed a fellow Coloradan

      1. Five after Midnight*

        +1, except I’m not sure you need to be “expert” snow driver; in most cases, it’s enough to be a “good” snow driver.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      So you have this winter to finish up and then at least the start of next winter maybe longer.

      Yes, buy the tires. I shopped around here and I got four studded tires plus wheels to mount them on for about $1000. The wheels were used. I bought the tires from a discount place with a good rep. The only draw back is that studs are illegal here after May 15 and the date creeps up on me fast. They store my out-of-season tires for me for free.

      I never had studs before and I now realize I should have had this set up a long time ago. I have an aging SUV with AWD, FWIW. My friend was driving it one day in the snow and it slid all over. As we went through a turn sideways, he said, “NO! You can’t be driving this thing like this. You need winter tires, preferably studs.”

      It’s nice not to sweat bullets trying to get to work.

      1. Pippa K*

        Adding studded snow tires to my already good-in-the-snow small SUV was amazing. Felt like I was now the undefeatable Queen of Winter :-)

    5. Sandi*

      Snow tires are the most important for regular driving in bad weather. I wouldn’t worry about AWD for driving on urban and suburban roads, and highways. I don’t know about the mountains so maybe ask a local mechanic for advice. I expect it would be okay if you stick to well traveled roads.

    6. SofuaDeo*

      Studded snow tires. You will never want to drive in snow without them again. And go out to a school or church or large shopping center parking lot off-hours during a storm, to do acceleration/braking tests, turn the wheel hard in both directions, etc. I do this in rain, snow, ice for every new car, as well as new sets of tires. Bonus if the lot has a sloped area. Learning how your vehicle reacts under various conditions is one of the safest things you can do to avoid serious accidents.

    7. Heffalump*

      I’d recommend snow tires or winter tires (there’s a difference, which I’ll get to in a minute) whether you have 2WD or AWD. Both kinds have the mountain/snowflake symbol on the sidewall:

      https://www.tirebuyer.com/education/what-is-the-snowflake-symbol-on-my-tires

      Snow tires are specifically for use in snow and wear quickly–you’ll get only a few seasons out of them. But if you have a place to store them in the off season and can afford 2 sets of tires, they’re the way to go. Examples: Bridgestone Blizzak, Nokian Hakkapeliitta.

      Winter tires are less aggressive but still good in the snow, and you can leave them on the car the year round. As I said, they also have the mountain/snowflake symbol. Examples: Nokian WR-G3, Vredestein Quatrac 5. I’ve had WR-G3’s on my last 3 cars.

      I live in Seattle. If I had wanted to drive over the Cascades to eastern Washington in the winter in my previous AWD Audi, the Washington State Patrol wouldn’t have required me to chain up on the basis of the AWD and the mountain/snowflake symbol. With my current 2WD car, I would need to chain up, even with the WR-G3’s.

      Either of the above are better than all-season tires. The term “all-season” is misleading; they aren’t made for snow.

      AWD doesn’t make you bulletproof–you’d still need good tires. I used to be on a listserv for Audi owners, and in winter the listmaster would often post links to videos of people who got into trouble by not knowing this. The subject header was always “4 x 0 = 0.”

  33. Bumblebeee*

    My friend “Beth” is distressed and I find it difficult to sympathize.

    Beth recently bought a new business. She’s experiencing all the anxieties of a new business owner: staffing problems, wprrying about cash flow, rising costs, etc. Her anxiety has gradually skyrocketed. She is losing sleep and is petrified things won’t work out.

    But here’s the thing. Because Beth had no funds to buy this business, her wealthy parents loaned her the money. They told her she can repay the loan only if the business makes a profit. She has multiple contacts who already told her they want to offer her a job if she needs one. Her parents told her they would support her financially in any worst case scenario; although it probably won’t come to this as she told me she could always sell her investment property. She has received advice from professionals who are all confident that her new business will likely grow significantly with time and some work. In short, despite her anxieties, she is actually in an incredibly privileged position.

    Given all this I’m finding it difficult to listen to her panic about the possibility of failure and bankruptcy. She agonizes over buying coffee because she thinks she needs to squirrel away every cent in case she goes bankrupt. She talks about her impending failure constantly as though she’s only a few dollars away from homelessness.

    What’s the best way of dealing with a friend who has severe anxiety about problems that to me aren’t real problems?

    1. fposte*

      I have two main thoughts for possibilities.

      The first is step back. You don’t have to make Beth’s anxiety your business. You’ll likely need to be explicit and say that you’ve hit a limit on business talk for a while and you’d like to focus on other topics.

      The second is dive in to what exactly is bothering you here and why you’re having the anxiety-gatekeeping response rather than an empathetic response. Is it that you haven’t had financial assistance and wish you’d had? That’s understandable, but why does it mean people who had less struggle than you are required to have less anxiety? I’m thinking about somebody with anxiety over a troubled child venting to somebody struggling with infertility–it doesn’t make a lot of sense to say they’re not allowed to have anxiety over a child when all you can dream of is to have one, but it can make sense that you’re not the audience for this particular anxiety.

      So I guess my thoughts boil down to two things: her problems are real problems whatever you feel, but that doesn’t mean you’re the person to listen to her about them.

      1. Not A Manager*

        Strongly agree with this: “Her problems are real problems whatever you feel, but that doesn’t mean you’re the person to listen to her about them.”

        I would add that you don’t need to push back on anyone’s feelings. It’s okay that she’s distressed, and it’s okay that you’re annoyed. Don’t waste your time trying to talk either one of you out of your feelings, just find a way to minimize your own exposure.

        You might also gently suggest to your friend, once, that she could consider getting some professional support for herself to deal with this anxiety. It sounds really unpleasant.

    2. GoryDetails*

      Sounds very tiring – and frustrating! Might be simplest to set some boundaries as to how long you are willing/able to let her vent to you: “Sounds like you’re really worried, but I don’t know how to help; if you just want to vent I can give you ten minutes, but after that we need to talk about anything else. Is that OK?”. (Some people might respond well to a blunt “Don’t you have lots of fail-safes? I know you want to do this on your own but you won’t exactly be on the street if you fail,” but it doesn’t sound as if you want to go that way.)

      Better scripts for all this are available at Captain Awkward’s site; search for “Question 143: I lent an ear to a friend, how do I get it back?” for one example, but there are others. She has a great knack for providing different levels of scripts, depending on how gentle you want to be, whether or not you want to leave room for the friendship to change in future, etc.

    3. Generic Name*

      Refer her to a therapist? It sounds like you’re not the best person for her to talk to about this. I can relate to her somewhat. I’m dealing with some financial stuff that I’ve never had to deal with before, and it feels terrifying, even if intellectually I know I will never be homeless (for various reasons). Even if my fears aren’t super rooted in reality, I still have those fears.

    4. really*

      while it does seem a little over the top I actually appreciate that Beth appears to be taking this seriously. I would find it more annoying if she was cavalier about the whole thing because her parents will take care of her.

      1. pancakes*

        I don’t quite have that impression. It’s not clear whether she has a business plan written up, by herself or someone hired to do so. The numbers she needs to hit to keep the business going shouldn’t be a big question mark, and it sounds like they might be. Bumblebee says that she’s received advice from professionals, so maybe that did include a business plan, but even so, panic isn’t a measure of seriousness. It often signifies untreated anxiety, which isn’t the same thing at all.

        1. Observer*

          I do think that there is a strong possibility that there is untreated anxiety here. Which is why it’s not terribly useful to brush her off with “she’s never going to be homeless so she needs to take a chill pill.”

          Having said that, dealing with someone else’s untreated anxiety is no picnic. It’s just different than what this behavior looks like at first glance.

    5. Asenath*

      I had to back off – I was trying to “help” and finally she said she was just venting. So I bit my tongue and listened as patiently as I could as much as I could – my instinct is to suggest practical solutions, especially when the problem doesn’t seem to be much of a problem to me, so I have a solution that is easy and obvious (to me). I’m sure she can tell from my tone of voice (we mostly communicate over the phone these days) when I’m finding the the effort a bit much, and I am not available for chats about whatever the issue of the day is quite as often as I used to be. It seems to work so far. I can’t make her calm and reasonable, but I can listen to her from time to time and she seems to find that helpful, and sometimes asks how things are going for me.

    6. marvin the paranoid android*

      I can relate to both sides of this! I’m an extremely anxious person and I know that in the past I’ve annoyed people by fretting about things that in the grand scheme are not that important. But I’ve also been in the place where people around me have been complaining about issues that I’ve found really petty and irritating–often when I find myself annoyed by that, it’s because I feel like I’m not getting enough emotional support for my own issues.

      I think learning to be supportive across privilege and experience barriers is really one of the great challenges and great joys of friendship. But part of that process is having robust boundaries and stepping back when you find that you’re not in a place to receive your friend’s emotions as they are.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      “She talks about her impending failure constantly as though she’s only a few dollars away from homelessness.”

      Her world view is tilted OR she privately believes she is a failure period.

      When people are inconsolable like this there are two things you can look at:
      There’s a possibility that the worry about the business is actually a symptom of a very different concern- such as wanting to stand on her own two feet independent of her parents.
      The other thing to think about is fear. Fear is not logical. So no amount of logic will help her through. It probably feels like a bottomless pit to keep telling her logical things about her setting and those thoughts not registering with her. Fear does this, it will put up a wall between people.

      For her own health she may not be equipped to be a business owner. This is not a failing on her part. Running a business is brutal and it’s not for everyone.

      You could try this: “Jane, we’ve talked about many aspects of this situation and all the different ways you are supported in your endeavors. I don’t feel like I am helping you as you remain pretty upset. I am concerned that this level of upset will ruin your overall health. And it concerns me that I may be blocking you from finding real ways to deal with your worry. I want to suggest you do a few sessions with a counselor. I want you to find someone who can actually help you as this is working into a quality of life issue. You have an excellent opportunity but your self-doubt is going to rob you of it.”

      I’d suggest watching this one because sometimes- notice “sometimes but not always”- this type of nervousness happens because the person privately believes they are not working hard enough. It could be that they actually aren’t working hard enough. Or it could be that they are just riddled with crippling self-doubt.

      Regardless of any of the above, you can redirect the conversation to, “Jane, what steps have you taken this week to help yourself ease this concern in some manner?” Redirect to action steps. She will either start taking clearer steps OR she will stop telling you about it.

      And to your detached feelings about this whole thing- it could be that you are not the person who is “supposed to” help her. It could be that she needs someone with specialized knowledge in something that you just do not have. Not everyone can trouble shoot every problem and that is okay. She just needs to look for people who can work with her more closely because of their own insights. FWIW, this type of chronic complaining would wear me out also.

    8. RC Rascal*

      Can you suggest she join an organization for small business owners? She might meet people there with similar experiences and can share with them. Even though there is less financial risk for your friend, she may be very worried about personal failure.

    9. Batgirl*

      It might be easier for Beth to frame it to herself as “I’m worried about small change” than to confront the real fear, which could be “disappointing my parents” or “feeling like a failure even when I’ve been given this huge advantage”… because she can’t control those big things, whereas she can control whether or not she buys coffee. I would treat the feelings she’s expressing as real and valid even when they don’t make sense. Sometimes feelings don’t make sense, and they aren’t rooted in reality. That doesn’t mean you have to do emotional labour you’re not up for.

    10. Suprisingly ADHD*

      It’s quite possible that Beth’s anxiety is actually about a bigger-picture issue. It’s very easy for someone to go from “I feel like I will be a failure if I can’t do this” to “I can’t let this fail” and then construct a logical reason why the failure is bad. She might not be consciously making those connections, but if she has an emotional reaction to the thought of the business failing, she might not realize the source of the fear.

      Either way, her problem is causing her real distress, she’s not making up the anxiety. If you have the emotional bandwidth, you can ask whether she needs sympathy or suggestions. Often, someone with anxiety knows the “solutions” to the problem but can’t turn off the worry anyway. If you DON’T have the emotional energy, you should probably have a conversation with her about it. It’s very fair for friends to agree not to dump on each other when both are overwhelmed. You can come up with a system to have positive conversations with each other and save the venting for other people.

      And to be clear: your reaction is totally valid! It’s hard to help others with unfounded anxieties. You’re not Beth’s therapist, and your support doesn’t need to be solving her problems, especially if the effort is hurting you.

    11. ecnaseener*

      It may help for you to reframe this in your head — she’s not anxious about her finances, she’s anxious about failing at a massive project that matters to her.

    12. RagingADHD*

      What, if anything, have you ever seen Beth accomplish on her own?

      Has she ever really lived on her own earnings, found a job and home from scratch, or become fully independent from her family? Does she have a career network that she built based on her own work and connections she made, or are they all friends of the family?

      Beth may not need to really worry about money, but this business venture may be her belated attempt to “launch” into adulthood, and failure might mean a devastating blow to her self concept and self-respect.

      After all, if she can’t win when she’s playing on extreme easy mode, what does that say about her skills? That would be crushing.

    13. Wishing You Well*

      I recommend protecting your own peace of mind by limiting your listening to Beth’s fears. If you banned the topic of her business woes from your conversation, would you have anything else to talk about? If not, that’s not a good sign. Consider limiting the number of minutes you listen to her business worries and stop her when time’s up. Or suggest she find a therapist to work through this. Beth might have an anxiety disorder that needs professional help.
      We all want to help our friends and we do but we also have limits on what help we can offer. Your annoyance is telling you you’ve reached your limit and something needs to change. Over time, there’s a risk you could become an unpaid, unlicensed therapist with no sign of a friendship remaining. Please avoid that trap.
      Hoping the best for both of you.

    14. Observer*

      What’s the best way of dealing with a friend who has severe anxiety about problems that to me aren’t real problems?

      I sympathize with you. This would initially make me nuts too.

      But I think you are missing something here. And I think seeing it would help you re-frame the issue and change your reaction. Her problem is very real – it’s just not the problem you THINK it is. I’d bet that her problem either pathological anxiety that’s manifesting around this business venture (If you’ve ever heard the term General Anxiety Disorder, often abbreviated as GAD, that’s the kind of thing I mean). Or she’s worried about being a failure. Or both.

      The first is an obvious guess – she seems to be catastrophizing in some fairly classic ways. But I think that the second is a real possibility.

      Think about it. She has money, she has security. But she does NOT have a record of her own accomplishments, apparently. She clearly needs this to succeed, not because she’s afraid she’ll HAVE to be homeless, but because she can’t bear the prospect of failing. She doesn’t want to not pay her parents back – there is a reason for that. She’s got a lot of emotion (and probably self-esteem) tied up in this venture.

  34. CTT*

    Movie post! What have you seen lately and enjoyed (or not)?

    We watched Belfast last night; I had been avoiding it because I am worried it will win all the Oscars that Roma should have won (it’s a black and white movie about a director’s childhood during turbulent times! But with white people!). I am still worried about that, but I was really charmed by it. It was very sweet and everyone was great in it. Also, I had seen all the jokes about how no one has ever been more attractive than Jamie Dornan and Catriona Balfe in this and oh my god they were right. I went home and immediately tried to find the “Everlasting Love” scene on youtube.

    1. Foreign Octopus*

      I watched The Tragedy of MacBeth on Apple TV recently, the one with Denzel Washington and Frances McDormand. I normally find the play intolerable because of how I had to study it to death in Year 9 at school but it was a good adaptation with interesting cinematography and the most incredible approach to the three witches I’ve ever seen: Kathryn Hunter was the absolute standout of it.

    2. fposte*

      Movie-ish–I watched the filmed musical of Come From Away, and I thought it was terrific. It’s not super-grim, but I did a lot of weeping anyway.

      1. Fellow Traveller*

        I loved loved loved Come From Away. I thought one of the fantastic things about it was that the cast all looked like people you’d run into anywhere, which isn’t what one usually see in a Broadway musical.

    3. WellRed*

      I recently watched Wind River. It was grimmer than I expected and honestly, no plot. However it was beautiful scenery and I understand it was made to draw attention to the high murder rate and disappearance of Native women and was effective in that sense.

    4. Falling Diphthong*

      Gunpowder Milkshake on Netflix. Your basic stylized action movie, but with women! The main character (played by Karen Gillan) is a woman. Her unexpected protege is a girl. Her missing parent and the four kind figures from her past who provide help–all women. The action scenes are exceptionally well choreographed, and I am a sucker for well done, or original, fight choreography.

      The Mitchells vs The Machines on Netflix. A family adventure battling the robot apocalypse in which there is no loss narrative for the kids–they’re saving the world, not trying to work through the character motivation of their mom dying. (We were looking for a fun movie at Xmas and I was like “well based on this handful of possibilities, this is the only one in which the mom isn’t motivationally dead.”)

    5. GoryDetails*

      I watched “The House” on Netflix – it’s a stop-motion-animation film consisting of three distinct stories, all set in what seems to be the same house. I really liked it, but I will say that it’s very, very creepy (especially the first two stories – the last one has a more uplifting ending). And if you have nightmares about home-renovation projects gone wrong, and/or discovering bug infestations in your walls, maybe it isn’t the film for you! [The first story features human characters rendered in what I can only call “felt-mation” – like little felted dolls; the second one has an anthropomorphic mouse trying to flip the house, and the third one has anthropomorphic cats dealing with a flood-apocalypse.] And now I’m thinking I mentioned this last week – if so, sorry about that, but it’s still the most recent film I’ve seen! (Well, other than the Laurence Olivier “Hamlet” that I tried to watch on TV – turns out it’s quite a bit stodgier than I remember…)

      1. fposte*

        It’s interesting watching old Olivier; I presume that what looks like scenery-chewing to my contemporary eyes was powerful when on stage and just didn’t translate as well to film once outside of the era. But then there’s his King Lear (with the marvelous John Hurt as the fool) and that seemed much more effective to me even years after the production.

        1. GoryDetails*

          Ah, well, anything with John Hurt in it is amazing! OK, maybe not *anything*, but I got on a “find every film he’s ever been in” kick many years ago and was led to loads of marvelous films, some of them definitely not as well-known as they should be. Check out “The Hit” if you can find it; Terence Stamp, John Hurt, and a very young Tim Roth, in a story about two hitman (Hurt and Roth) escorting the former gangster (Stamp) who’d testified against his cohorts to what is sure to be a fatal reckoning – but things don’t go as any of them expected.

    6. Falling Diphthong*

      On the negative end:
      Where’d You Go Bernadette? on Hulu. Spent the first hour getting me to empathize with our wildly privileged heroine (talent, money, supportive family) because her mental illness meant that the brain weasels said “No, you can’t take a half step forward. On any path. You need to hunker down to the side here and fume about how your mildly annoying neighbor is no doubt scheming against you, and also everything is other people’s fault. And also everything sucks.”

      Then it switched gears. At the turning point there was a very moving bit from one character about separating reality from fantasy and choosing to deal with reality, and the rest of the film didn’t support that at all.

    7. The Prettiest Curse*

      The Power of the Dog on Netflix is excellent. Very atmospheric, unpredictable ending and probably Benedict Cumberbatch’s best performance.
      Also on Netflix, Procession is the best documentary (actually, it’s more of a drama documentary) that I’ve ever seen about childhood sex abuse. It’s an extremely tough watch, but it’s excellent.
      I also recently watched an 80s French film called Peppermint Soda about two sisters growing up in the 1960s. It’s very funny, and teenage sibling relationships are depicted very accurately.

    8. pancakes*

      We liked the newest Emma adaptation, the one with Anya Taylor-Joy, and The Electrical Life of Louis Wain. The latter is a bit sad, but boyfriend and I both thought it was well done. Not movies but movie-length, we also really liked the Rowan Atkinson Maigret series. There are only 4 episodes but they’re each 90 min. I loved Dalgliesh, which is a bit similar (6 episodes, each part of a 2-part mystery) but my boyfriend thought those were too grim and didn’t join me for the last two. They’re set in 1970s England and I loved the costumes and cars. Bertie Carvel was great in the lead role.

      1. fposte*

        Oh, I enjoyed Dalgliesh; I too thought they did an especially great job with evoking the era. I loved the Roy Marsden ones so I wasn’t sure if I’d be on board with these, but they were still pretty decent.

      2. Elizabeth West*

        Oh, I want to see the Louis Wain movie. Funny, I didn’t know it existed until my coloring app posted a bunch of pictures from it and I realized I was coloring Benedict Cumberbatch, haha.

        1. pancakes*

          He was good in it but we were more excited to see Toby Jones from Detectorists, and a brief cameo from Nick Cave (who is a Wain collector, I believe) as H. G. Wells.

    9. Elizabeth West*

      I’ve been following critic Carolyn Hinds on Twitter and she’s introduced me to some fantastic Asian TV and films. She does a Saturday Night Sci-Fi weekly live tweet watch on Twitter. Thanks to her, I’ve seen Kingdom and The Silent Sea on Netflix (both Korean).

      Recently, I watched the Chinese computer-animated films White Snake and White Snake 2: The Tribulation of the Green Snake. They’re based on the legend of the White Snake, a demon who falls in love with a human. The first film is the folktale. The second is about the Green Snake (her sister); I saw that one first because Carolyn did her Saturday watch with it. Most of the stuff she picks is on Netflix. I had to go to Amazon for White Snake.

      The films are beautifully animated, very emotional (if a bit dark here and there), and the stories and characters are just amazing. Highly recommend.

    10. GlowCloud*

      I finally watched Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri. I wanted to see it when it came out in cinemas, but never managed to get to it until last week. Pretty harrowing to watch some of the scenes, but I thought it had an interestingly dissatisfying ending, considering the characters’ trajectory, although I think the point is that it’s not meant to resolve neatly the way a revenge drama is supposed to, and that it’s about coming to terms with that.
      A superbly-acted story about grief and injustice and small town politics, and the cycle of violence surrounding one woman’s campaign to solve her daughter’s murder.

  35. Nicki Name*

    I need to up my shopping game.

    Mass-market clothes rarely fit my body well. I’ve found a couple reliable styles for everyday pants that are exclusive to one store. When I check their website, there’s something available in my size about once every three or four times I check (which is maybe every few weeks). In-store, my odds of success are worse.

    I realize that supply chain disruptions have made everything more random, but this goes back years before the pandemic. Are there particular days of the week, times of year, or anything that I could hope to find a better selection or has it always been 100% random?

    1. Reba*

      It’s not random, but it’s true that ongoing change over, rather than only 2-4 seasonal changes, has become the mainstream approach in the retail landscape, resulting in chaotic merchandising where the store is trying to get you to buy like puffy vests to wear now but also tank tops because spring is coming! (Zara is usually credited with introducing this super-rapid retail cycle.)

      So, I’m wondering if you could find something from a brand that deliberately changes less from year to year (I’m thinking like the classic catalog brands) or maybe exploring some brands that claim “seasonless” style. They might offer the same item in different fabrics at different times of year, but you can sort of count on them more.

      I do miss when mass market brands used to hang on to their styles for longer. If you knew that the X pants fit, you could always go pick up a new color or fabric when you needed it, for years! Alas.

    2. Polopoly*

      Make friends with the workers there and ask them which days they get shipments of whatever brand / style you’re interested in. Some places let you order to store for free. I’m an odd (petite) size too, and having the right size is a challenge. One other thing – depending on store, different locations have different inventory.

    3. pancakes*

      I find it helpful when sites give the height and weight of the models, which more and more seem to do. If there’s a particular brand or site you like, see whether anyone has written about their restocking schedule, and email customer service if you don’t find anything? Can’t hurt.

    4. it happens*

      Also check on poshmark and the like for gently used ones. The search engine is very good in my experience.

      1. mreasy*

        Seconding this, I have bought multiples of items I loved that were hard to find or no longer made on Poshmark.

  36. Freecycle or?*

    I have separated out some personal products that contain an ingredient I know I’m allergic to. Most are face moisturizers, serums, etc. and many are unopened and unused (but not all of them). Has anyone used Freecycle to give away this sort of thing, and what about ones that are partially used? Or is there another platform to give these items away hat might be better? I’m in a larger city, if that makes a difference. Thanks!

    1. wingmaster*

      I like using the Buy Nothing groups on Facebook. You can search “Buy Nothing [insert city you live in]”
      Since you mentioned you’re in a larger city, there should be a FB page for it.

    3. Defective Jedi*

      There’s probably a Buy Nothing group in your area, accessible on Facebook. Apparently there’s a lot of variability in the culture of each group, but I have enjoyed being a member of mine. The items you’re describing would likely be highly in demand, and the slightly used status of some of them would not be a problem for most people. There’s lots of “I tried this food/makeup/shampoo and didn’t care for it” with enthusiastic “I would love this” responses.

    4. fposte*

      From what I can see, the main giveaway avenues are Freecycle, Buy Nothing, Facebook, and Nextdoor; how effective each one is will depend on your area. Definitely check with shelters as Anonyme suggests; some food banks may also accept toiletries.

      I might list the partially used ones for the hell of it if you’re posting to one of those sites anyway, making it clear they’ve been opened; you may find somebody who’s desperate to get their hands on [Brand]. But I’d only do that if they were only a few months old, and I’d chuck them mercilessly if there were no quick takers.

    5. My Brain Is Exploding*

      I have posted products for free on next door and had no problem with finding takers. And most of them had been used a bit.

  37. Dog Help Sought*

    Advice on how to find a good new home for a husky? A good friend adopted a beautiful, sweet husky dog a year ago, and sadly, the friend is finding an active young dog to be too much for her. (It’s a longer story but, meanwhile…) I am trying to help by searching for a new home. I’ve posted on Nextdoor, and a couple of FB rescue groups. Can anyone suggest other ideas? I will also look for rescue/foster organizations, especially if they are recommended by those in the know. If we manage to find someone who seems to be a good fit, are there good questions we should ask, references to seek, etc? I am thinking of asking to see pictures of their yard, get the name of their current vet (for those that have other animals), and ask for personal references from pet owners. She is spayed so I am not too worried about a puppy mill breeder taking interest, but I’d like to know what to avoid, red flags and so on.

    1. pancakes*

      RescueMe dot org. I’ve never put a pet up for adoption there, but it’s where I got my Scottish Fold cat. I have no experience at all with PetFinder, but it looks like their list of FAQs could be helpful.

    2. My Brain Is Exploding*

      If you live in an area with a shelter with a good reputation, ask them if they are familiar with any breed-specific rescues that they would recommend. Speaking as someone who has been a state coordinator for a national breed-specific rescue: they generally have better luck placing their animals, because people go to their sites if they want/are familiar with the breed; they have foster homes to take the dog until it is adopted; they do a good evaluation of the dog to include how active they are, whether they are good with other dogs, etc.; they have extensive processes for potential adoptees and don’t just adopt out first-come-first-served, but try to find a good match for the dog; they will take the dog back if it turns out not to be a good fit (and generally require the owner to return it to rescue if they no longer want the dog at any point); they know the quirks of the breed and will educate owners and be a place owners can ask questions about behavior, etc.). They make sure each dog is completely vetted. Yes they charge adoption fees, but these fees are usually never enough in a given year to vet out the dogs they get with expensive medical needs (that’s why they have fund raisers).

      1. Ali G*

        Seconding this, especially for huskies. They are a challenging breed and shouldn’t go to just anyone. Also if your friend hasn’t been the best owner, the dog likely has some issues that need to be overcome and a breed-specific rescue can help match the dog up with someone who knows how to unravel that bad and build the dog back up appropriately. A red flag in the OP was looking at their yard. The yard is meaningless if the future owner doesn’t have a robust training and exercise regiment for the dog. Husky will just break out of the yard in search of more interesting things.
        I don’t mean to sound harsh, but huskies are prone to be “oops” dogs for people who really shouldn’t have owned one to begin with. The sooner you get her placed the better.

        1. Dog Help Sought*

          I agree, if we could go back in time, it would have been better for my friend not to have taken her. For the dog, it’s hard to say. She wouldn’t have been spayed and would likely have had more pups by now. Friend has taken good care of her, but has not been as successful with training, and I’d like to make sure any new person can be more “robust” as you say. Are you saying “fenced yard” should not be a factor? This dog loves being outside; maybe she could happy without a yard if she had dog park or regular doggie day care. I am looking to avoid the “just anyone” situation. Thanks for the tips!

          1. Reba*

            I’m not Ali G, but I think their point is that anybody can have a yard, but a yard in itself isn’t enough. They could have a lovely huge yard but still be a not-active-enough owner for this animal. Conversely, someone might live in an apartment but be committed to runs, hikes, dog parks, training etc. and so they could still be a great match for the pooch.

            1. fposte*

              Right, a yard is great for letting a dog have a potty break without having to put on a coat and take the leash out, but if they’re being left to hang out longer than that without humans, that’s likely to lead to issues.

        2. Hotdog not dog*

          Yeah, the yard doesn’t mean much. I have a large fenced yard, and my husky cannot be left alone in it for a second. (What fence? There was a fence back there? Oh, that little thing I climbed over, dug under, and opened the gate to? Was I supposed to stay INSIDE it? My bad! Thanks for picking me up in the car six miles away!) I would definitely recommend a breed specific rescue or a family you know has husky experience. They’re wonderful dogs, but not a good fit for many people.

      1. Llellayena*

        There’s a husky rescue group in California called Norsled. I’m not sure how far out they go for a rescue but they may have some connections to a husky specific group closer to you.

    4. AvonLady Barksdale*

      She should contact the organization from which she adopted the dog. Most rescues have a clause in the contract that says they’re the first call if the dog needs to be rehomed.

      2. Dog Help Sought*

        Was not adopted from an organization. From a neighbor after she had one litter of pups. He doesn’t want her back as she is spayed now.

        1. Dog and cat fosterer*

          Your friend is a wonderful person. There was a post last week or the week before about someone feeling guilty for returning their rescue dog because it wasn’t the right match (the shelter’s assessment wasn’t exactly accurate) and I will say to you what I said to them:
          Sometimes we are the right match and forever home, and sometimes we are the long-term ‘foster family’ that helps them to find the right match. Thank you to your friend!

          Hopefully you can find a rescue to help, but if not then I suggest finding an adoption application from a rescue you trust, and asking the same types of questions. I do a lot of home visits and meetings with adopters, and I always start with “Why are you looking to adopt?” There is no right answer, but there are wrong ones. You can call the vet to ask for a reference (we aren’t picky, we just want to know that they go in mostly yearly and get heartworm, vaccines, and other basics) and you can ask them for friends to give a reference. I also look for someone who is already active, not someone who is waiting for a dog to get them outdoors. If the dog has any negatives then I’m honest and ask how they would cope. I do introductions by going for a neighborhood walk, giving them the leash after about 5 minutes if all is well, and then see how they react. I had one dog that was bad at pulling but the adopter was strong, and another dog that jumped up constantly but that adopter just turned away and came right back to the dog when it was standing to give it loads of praise. And a couple that already had a big beast that they walked together daily for an hour so having a second identical big beast wasn’t going to change their life at all.

          Looking at rescue forms you will hopefully catch the problem areas: if they rent, do they have landlord permission? Make sure everyone in the family comes to the meet-up. If they had other pets, what happened to them?

    5. Kathenus*

      A lot of people post on Nextdoor where I am, but if they don’t vet the people well the dogs could end up in bad situations (anything from bait dogs/cruelty to just not being the right person/situation for that dog). Agree with others on breed specific rescues if available. Could also talk to a good reputation shelter in the area and ask how to see if they could help facilitate – maybe they take on trying to place and current owner is a temporary foster or something. Thanks for helping them out.

    6. The Dogman*

      Type “Husky Rescue Rehoming XXXXX” and put your state and/or country instead of XXXX

      Do not give the dog away on FB or nextdoor, you should go through a rescue service/charity to ensure the dog goes to the right home.

      I do dog assessments for rescue charities near me, and I cannot talk them up enough, they work really hard to make sure the dogs get safely placed.

    7. Bazza7*

      Hairy Houdini Siberian Husky Rescue, Google their website. Jessica from Gone to the Snow dogs – YouTube and Instagram often transports husky dogs for this organisation. This organisation aim is to rehome, but if they can’t, they keep the dogs and look after themselves.

    8. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Petfinder sometimes has rescue organizations that do courtesy listings to help people doing direct adoption. Trainers & vets may also be able to help you connect with someone who better knows the breed.

  38. Rosy Smile*

    For online dating- what is your average conversation rate of first dates you go on to people you actually are interested in/excited about?

    I haven’t gone on a ton of first dates (I’ve probably gone on 20 in the last 7 years) but I have yet to go on one that I’m really interested in seeing the person again. I’ve agreed to a second date with a few hoping maybe something will feel differently and I leave feeling the same or sometimes more irritated (probably with myself). At the end of the date, I usually feel a feeling that I can only describe as ‘if I was at a work dinner I had to go to and this was the person i had to sit next to, I wouldn’t mind and things could be worse’ but no desire to make plans to see them again. I know online dating requires a lot of sludging through a lot of mismatches but also that it can take time for the attraction to build (this is something I admittedly struggle with a lot and I’ve been working through with a professional for years) so I’m having a hard time telling if it’s me or this is normal for online dating. With people I meet IRL, I don’t have this issue and I tend to be excited about second dates somewhere between 50-75% of the time (but I meet so many less people IRL so I understand online dating is going to be part of my life).

    1. RC Rascal*

      My experience has been to make sure I talk to them on the phone first. That way I can screen out the ones I don’t feel a connection with prior to agreeing to the date, and I’m more excited about the date. It seems like in the past few years people want to set the whole thing up over text and that seems to just lead to bad dates.

      My issue has been that more than half of the online men I meet get drunk on the first date, and that is the end of that. Of the remaining half a good portion share information that is a deal breaker for me (i.e. I like to drink, I have financial problems, my ex is crazy, etc.)

      I am a straight woman seeking men, if that is relevant.

      IMO part of the problem with online dating is it creates an illusion of more choice than is actually available. People want the first date to be magic and if it isn’t, they want to keep shopping. Relationships are created, and they require investment. My best relationships have been with people I met IRL and where the first date was a pleasant but neutral experience.

    2. Batgirl*

      I know straight away if I have an attraction to someone, so for the first half of your comment I was nodding along going “process of elimination was working fine and in effect!” It sounds like you don’t trust your instincts though. You say “it takes time for attraction to build” which, I honestly don’t know about that. Why would it? I’m not saying you would be in love, but you should at least be intrigued/interested/feel excited if there’s potential. However if you’re going on second dates after a lukewarm first date, that was a worthy experiment which seems to suggest you do actually have fine first date instincts! I would say that the main issue seems to be the number of dates. Seven just isn’t very many and I’d be surprised if you found someone you liked enough from such a small sample. I used to know a former matchmaker who said it could take up to thirty.

      1. Rosy Smile*

        Truthfully I don’t trust my instincts because they do tend to lead me in the wrong directions. Usually the people I’m attracted to off the bat tend to end up being emotionally unavailable (5 years of therapy later and I can’t seem to shake it or understand why I have some sort of radar for it) and probably the main thing I’m working on with my therapist now is how to find a match knowing all these things. I find myself questioning all my feelings (if I’m attracted to them, does that mean there’s a major red flag I’m ignoring? If I’m not attracted to them, is it because they just seem available?’) So there are obviously some deeper issues going on at play but the first date is very tough for me because coming into it, I know I like the way I look and I can’t ever pinpoint why I’m not attracted to them beyond ‘I just don’t feel it’ (maybe it would help me more if I dug a little deeper into that after dates)?

        The it can take time for attraction to build. I have to be honest- this is concept people tell me but I have never experienced lol. I hear people say a lot ‘oh my first date with my husband was boring, he was just OK, I wasn’t super interested ‘ so it makes me think that maybe these lukewarm feelings can grow if I keep going out with them and I’m just not being patient enough. But perhaps I’m misinterpreting what people are saying when they say that.

        1. Batgirl*

          A LOT of people settle! I wouldn’t listen to those people since you’ve been able to resist the coward’s bet. I don’t think you have bad instincts just because you’re sometimes interested in the wrong person. Sometimes a person gets your logic’s approval, sometimes your attraction’s. Like a nuclear launch, it needs both keys to turn. Keep saying no, and up the number of your selection pool. You’re allowed to be picky! This is a tricky position to fill! You’re not supposed to like everyone and you don’t need to justify why you don’t to anyone, including yourself. It can sometimes get exhausting, so take a break before you decide there’s something wrong with you, rather than it just being a question of they simply don’t knock your socks off. My friend was the last person who tried the thirty dates sample. She and Mr fourteen have been married for ten years now and he’s my favorite of my friends husbands (he’s genuinely awesome, the rest are warm bodies who were settled for).

          1. Rosy Smile*

            Thank you- I appreciate this feedback a lot especially as a 33 year old woman who is the only of her single friends who doesn’t want to have children and therefore, in no rush and wants to have a different set of priorities when it comes to finding a partner. I have been reading a ton of books/podcasts about this kind of stuff and I’m learning so much about other dating styles- primarily in the last few months discovering that a lot of people date/marry people they are not attracted to as they value other traits more- and that’s ok! But it definitely isn’t something people I know talk about or say out loud. This is extremely reassuring :)

            1. Batgirl*

              Hah, I had a bet with myself that you were in your early thirties! Mrs Fourteen and I were 31 and 32 when we embarked on our thirty date challenge. It was also when a lot of our friends were calling us either brave or picky for not going with the first unobjectionable nice guy. I think for us, in our twenties we believed guys’ bullshit, because the guys who are most noticeable are actively approaching women with a con act, and then at 30, you start questioning your own common sense just because you take people at their word. Ok because you’ve made me nostalgic, I’m going to give you the three stages advice the matchmaker gave us. The first is: decide which of these attributes are most impactful for you: 1) affectionate, 2) good conversation, 3) physically attractive, 4) sexual chemistry/ compatible, 5) parental skills, 6) mutual hobbies, 7) admiring and complimentary, 8) open book/honesty 9) solid approach to finances and domestic chores. Whether he has your most important attributes is a pretty easy thing to spot on an early date.
              The second thing (for maybe a later date) is to assess whether their morals, energy levels for activities and social styles (introversion v extroversion) match yours. Then, a bit further along you’ll see if he is the type who’d be good at a commitment or is just playing around, and isn’t going to be a deep connection. So, you may find someone attractive at stages one/two who doesn’t pass three. But you won’t be conversing at a deepest level enough to tell that last bit on a first date.

    3. RagingADHD*

      It sounds like there’s something out of whack in your selection criteria for which dates to meet up with. Either your profile isn’t interesting the right people, or the wrong people are getting through your filter to the first date.

      Can you put your finger on similarities or differences between the “meh” online dates and the much more exciting people you meet IRL?

      1. Rosy Smile*

        I tend to be more lenient with swiping than IRL. I’ll swipe on a guy who’s profile I’m maybe not super interested in or isn’t exactly my type because I know so much of my attraction to people is based on how we vibe vs looks or things in common (aka most of what dating apps are). And I think it’s harder to feel a vibe until you meet in person so I’ll go on dates with pretty much anyone I match with who doesn’t do something to super turn me off. I guess I use the apps more as a vehicle to start conversing with someone but wait until I meet them to start sorting out how I feel about them if that makes sense? I don’t really mind going on a first date and then deciding it’s not a fit afterwards- it’s not frustrating to me necessarily- but it’s moreso tough when it seems like a lot of people I know are finding people they’re excited about dating and going out with them several times (even if it doesn’t result in a relationship) and I’m just not getting that feeling with anyone.

        I should also mention I don’t devote a ton of time to online dating so maybe it’s a matter of me taking the process a bit more seriously.

        1. Batgirl*

          This is exactly what I did and how I met my partner. His profile was “I like food and entertainment” and his pics were terrible. In person though, I was blown away. Lots of people don’t have great profile making skills.

        2. Jackalope*

          One thing I found helpful was giving myself an amount of time to “work” at dating each week. Unless I was away from home or on vacation for half the week or more, I had a goal of spending at least one hour each week on something related to dating. I might spend an hour on a dating website, go on an actual date if that was a possibility, go to an activity I was interested in but with people I didn’t know so I could practice having conversations with strangers under less stressful circumstances, things like that. I don’t know if that would work for you, but I found that an hour per week was regular enough that I felt I was actually trying but not so much that it became a burden.

          1. Jackalope*

            I also found it helpful to listen to my gut. If I was a maybe or a yes I would usually try a date. If I was a clear no then I wouldn’t. It seems simple but really helped.

    4. AnonDemi*

      Perhaps the term demisexual might apply? It means you prefer an emotional attraction to someone before you feel more chemistry. It’s not something to consider abnormal but it does make online dating harder.

      You likely feel comfortable observing how IRL people act in natural circumstances before you decide to date them vs going off a curated profile/date where people are on their best behavior, right? I’m the same way and lucked out with my now husband by talking for much longer online than “usual” before we met in person. To answer your initial question, he was the 3rd person I met online. (after two other first dates that were decent but didn’t spark me further.)

      Keep trusting your gut! If you’re looking for a lifetime with someone, you’re doing right by not settling for “tolerate at a work dinner” as the threshold.

      1. RagingADHD*

        This is an old-lady pet peeve of mine, but what is considered “average sexual,” if “demi” means that you prefer to meet people in person and like them before you decide to have sex with them?

        It’s a pretty low bar.

        1. AnonDemi*

          It’s more nuanced than sex; it’s attraction. I don’t gawk at/fantasize about hot hollywood types the way a lot of women do. Nor do I think someone is cute just by looking at them (and therefore deciding to talk to them based on that). It’s more than “like them before I have sex with them”, it’s “trust them with certain insecurities” before I can even think of a person in a sexual way.

          Similar to what OP said in a different comment – “I know so much of my attraction to people is based on how we vibe vs looks or things in common (aka most of what dating apps are)”.

          1. AnotherAnonDemi*

            I agree with this.

            By default, I experience no sexual attraction at all to anyone. None. This caused me a very large amount of confusion and upset when I was a teenager, because it was clearly out of step with what everyone told me I could expect.

            If I’m emotionally attracted to someone, there are suddenly a LOT of physical things I want to do that I don’t normally think about in the slightest, but I only want to do them with that one person.

            When people say they find strangers attractive or had a one-night stand out of physical feelings disconnected from an emotional connection, I just have to take their word for it. I have little to no understanding of these things from my own experience.

        2. zyx*

          I can’t tell whether you’d appreciate a serious answer, but in case you would: my understanding is that demisexual folks don’t feel sexual attraction at all until they know a person well—generally a first date is not enough.

          I am not demisexual, and I definitely find people sexually attractive without having spent any significant time with them. Of course that’s not the same as deciding to have sex with them—if I slept with every hot person I met in passing, I wouldn’t have time to live the rest of my life. Also I’d end up sleeping with some jerks, and I’d rather not.

    5. KeinName*

      I can remember that it took me quite some time to be convinced of dating my boyfriend, who I spent the last 14 years with. And the 14 years definitely were great. In comparison to the 3 online dates I went on since we broke up, he was really enthusiastic. The online date guys felt like people I met on the train and had a forced one hour conversation with, and they really showed no enthusiasm at all towards me. My work colleagues laugh more at what I say, not to mention my actual friends. Very weird. I can say that I screened them somewhat and I have good skills in determining if someone is an okay person. But they just seemed jaded or automatic or something. How enthusiastic were your dates?

  39. Anonymous cat*

    How do you learn new technology if you don’t have anyone to teach you? My family and friends are all long distance right now and I’m overwhelmed by the choices in smartphones and TVs and laptops and other devices.

    I’ve tried googling for info but the articles seem like sales pieces for one device or another.

    (Btw, what is the difference between a laptop and a tablet? A tablet seems to be a small laptop but why do people have both?)

    Can anyone recommend a good YouTube channel or articles for the basics?

    1. Nicki Name*

      A tablet is like a very large phone. It’ll have a touchscreen but won’t usually come with a keyboard.

      Usually the reason to have both is there are apps which are only available for Android/iOS (and so won’t run on a laptop), and other apps which either don’t run on tablets or are hard to use without a full keyboard and mouse/trackball.

      I can’t recommend a good site or channel to check, but I can say the place to start is by being clear on what you want to use a new computer for. Are you going to be writing? Gaming? Keeping track of the household accounts? Watching videos while you travel?

    2. Lady Alys*

      I don’t know whether you are of an age to be a member yet (or whether you are in the US) but the AARP web site had articles and videos on tech topics that you might find useful. (It’s the HOME & FAMILY>
      Personal Technology Resource Center section of their web site).

    3. fposte*

      I like Wirecutter for recommendations; if you have Consumer Reports through your library that can be helpful as well. If you’re torn between choices it can be very helpful to Google “Canon Mansplainer 500 vs. Epson Mantalk 43b,” which will often take you to straight up comparisons.

      Tablets and laptops can definitely overlap! In general, a laptop has a built-in keyboard, a bigger screen, and more processing power and storage. Tablets focus on portability and flexibility; people who use them for work are likely to rely on the cloud for storage rather than storing documents locally, and they may use web-based applications like Google Docs and Google Sheets rather than applications run off of their equipment.

      Functionally for me, laptops are better ergonomically for writing and I’m still somebody who prefers to store documents locally, so I’m laptop for work. Tablets are for fun, including watching movies in bed, or travel. So most days I use both, but that’s very much a personal pattern.

    4. Fellow Traveller*

      I’d go to a store like Best Buy and ask the salespeople there. Another benefit is there is a finite number of options at Best Buy so I don‘t find it as overwhelming.
      For online reviews I like wirecutter, consumer reports, tech crunch, and cnet. The first two are subscription based, though often you can read via your library.
      I have a tablet and a laptop. I used the laptop for work- the keyboard and mouse makes it easier for what I have to do. Also I do most of my online shopping on my laptop. I use the tablet for app based things- like reading books or magazines or pdfs, listening to podcasts or music. My laptop does turn into a tablet, but I find it too heavy to use on the go. I know more and more people who are just using tablets with a keyboard, especially as things are more and more flexible and cloud-based.

    5. HBJ*

      A tablet is a touch screen. A tablet does not have a physical keyboard, although you can buy cases to put the tablet in that includes a keyboard that bluetooths to the tablet. A laptop has a full physical keyboard as part of it.

      There is some overlap. Many laptops nowadays have touchscreens (ours does). Ours also lets the keyboard fold all the way around to the back and disables the keyboard so it can be used similar to a tablet.

      As for why people have both. Tablets are usually much smaller and lighter. It’s way quicker to grab a tablet and use it on the couch then the full laptop. We do have both, but they are used for completely different purposes. Laptop tends to stay on the desk and while it does get moved some and travels with us sometimes, we generally treat it like a more convenient desktop. The tablet and it’s apps are specifically for a part of our business that requires moving around a lot. It’s quick and convenient. But we do grab it at home to watch a YouTube video on the couch, or FaceTime with family at Christmas.

      Honestly, I’ve found googling to be just fine for learning about new things. Just ignore the selling. Also, I find that review sites like PCWorld, even though they may have sponsored posts and get commissions from click-through links, have good info.

    6. Lizabeth*

      Do you type long emails to people? That’s the deal breaker for me between a tablet and a laptop. I have both and use both depending on what I need to do.

    7. OtterB*

      I use my laptop for work and my tablet mainly as an e-reader. But I also use it for internet access when I’m traveling, and for a few games. I can, if pressed, look at a spreadsheet on the tablet but mostly I’d rather not.

    8. Jay*

      Once I’ve figured out what type of tech I want I look at Cnet and Wirecutter for reviews. We also have a Consumer Reports subscription, although I find that less useful for tech stuff than for things like refrigerators.

      I prefer a keyboard for documents or Emails or any significant typing, so I don’t currently have a tablet. I have a smallish phone (Iphone 12Pro) and a laptop. To me, a tablet is more like a large phone than a small laptop. My husband has all three and uses his tablet for social media and YouTube. If I had one, I might do that as well, but it’s not worth buying one just for that.

    9. AcademiaNut*

      A laptop is a computer that happens to be portable. A tablet is, essentially, a very large smart phone that doesn’t make phone calls.

      From a computer perspective, a laptop does a lot more than a tablet, but for a lot of people a tablet does everything they need. On a tablet, you can do social media, play some games, watch videos, read books, organize your photo library, surf the web, email, and, with an attacked keyboard, do some basic word processing, etc.

      A laptop is better if you’re doing a lot of word processing or spreadsheet stuff, database work, more hardcore gaming (you’re not going to be playing the latest PC game on your tablet), processor heavy stuff (rendering video, for example), and, of course, programming. A tablet is more aimed at consuming content, a laptop at creating it.

      A tablet had a much larger screen than a phone, which is the major advantage.

      If you’re looking for which tablet/smartphone etc. to buy, a search like “best budget smartphone reviews” can get reviews of different models. Also, try searches like “should I get an iPhone or Android” to get the differences between different operating systems.

    10. Not So NewReader*

      Some libraries are offering free technology training. This can be volunteers who come in on an appointment basis and talk with people. It could be that you could just talk on the phone initially to get the ball rolling. A lot of the training offered is usually for beginners and can be tailored to the individual’s needs.

  40. Bad buyers remorse*

    So I bought my first car two weeks ago. My first car that I’ve had was a hand me down from my family and I loved it, wonderful little civic. It was totaled. I did a lot of research on cars, how to do the process, etc., and ended up buying a new car which was quite horrible given the market.

    I thought I really wanted it, but I also felt a TON of pressure from the dealership. I am also dealing with a bait and switch that they pulled on me that is very much souring the experience and my enjoyment of the car. I am overall OK with my car, but it has less mileage than I anticipated because of the small gas tank (I stupidly didn’t realize this was a factor, I just went off EPA ratings) and that bums me out.

    I know I can’t return the car or change my experience. I have to pay off this loan. And I have to deal with all the legal shenanigans of the bait and switch. I just feel a lot of remorse (and anger every since the car accident where my car got totaled.)

    How do you deal with buyers remorse of a big purchase like a car? Does it go away?

    1. Not A Manager*

      Leave scathing reviews on social media. If you get one of those emails asking you to review the dealership experience, be brutal. Send a letter to the manager of the dealership and one to the HQ, detailing your specific experience and naming names. First of all, all of this is cathartic. Second, sometimes you really do get a result from the business when you do.

      Doing this stuff doesn’t make you a Karen. There’s bad, entitled complaining when you want things you’re not entitled to because of your internalized privilege. But there’s also very reasonable complaining, when you paid for a particular product or experience, and you didn’t get it. In this case, it sounds like that wasn’t even due to unfortunate circumstances, but due to shady dealings.

      1. Bad buyers remorse*

        Oh I definitely complained on the survey, and called my state AG office and they said to submit a complaint. I haven’t left a bad review on social media yet thought because I’m a little afraid, the dealership has been borderline harassing me since I left the bad review on the survey saying that I’m lying about my experience. I’ve been scared to do anything public yet, but have told a lot of friends and colleagues.

    2. Generic Name*

      With the car market being the way it is, you might be able to sell it without losing money. Then you could buy something you’d enjoy. Just a thought. That sucks you got presssured into buying a car you don’t like. Shame on the sales person.

    3. WellRed*

      Actually, since it’s been less than 30 days, you can probably “return” the car, though you may have to sell it back to them.

      1. Bad buyers remorse*

        I thought I might be able to do that… but according to the sales contract I signed, I couldn’t technically return it, but you’re right, I could sell it back to them. I just don’t want to ever deal with this dealership again though.

      2. RussianInTexas*

        There is no “cooling off” period for new cars in any state of the country. If the dealer does not have it in their contract, it doesn’t exist.

    4. Suprisingly ADHD*

      You might be able to return the car, or exchange it for another at the dealership. The contract might have clauses about 30 day satisfaction blah blah… What is the bait-and-switch they pulled? Do you have a friend or family member who knows either cars or negotiating? Especially with the high-pressure salesman you described, you might need someone with equal pressure.

      Alternatively, the used car market is insane right now (yes yours is BARELY used). I know someone who made a PROFIT selling his used car to Carvana. He bought it new several years ago and when he sold it he got enough to pay off the remaining loan with some left over for a new car!

      1. Bad buyers remorse*

        The bait and switch was that I came in preapproved from my bank, told me that I needed to fill out a credit application to buy the car even with preapproval (I didn’t know this wasn’t true until later) and applied for a loan with their financing without me knowing. Then refused to let me use my own bank once I found out. I’ve been told this isn’t illegal, but is shady. I still have no clue what the rate is for the loan they got me. They had me drive off the lot and gave me bill of sale since it was Saturday and told me that they’d settle things with my bank on Monday, but that wasn’t true.

        I will definitely consider selling it, but part of me is just exhausted. I might sit on it for a few months, see if I eventually come to like the car in some way, and go from there.

        1. Suprisingly ADHD*

          How have they not given you the rate yet? You have a loan with them with no paperwork? It sounds like you might have even more work with them, demanding the proper paperwork that it’s been 2 weeks! Unfortunately even though you’re exhausted (you have my sympathies there), that loan is something that can mess up your finances long term.

          You might be able to get advice from your bank, I’m sure they help customers with similar issues all the time. And if you aren’t good at confrontation, I highly recommend getting a friend who is to call/go in with you. Salespeople like that only respect people who can play their crappy game, so adding someone decisive and knowledgeable to your corner can help a lot.

          It sounds like they’re a real sleezy company, I’m sorry you got stuck with them. If you can take one positive away from this, in the future, you will know you can just walk out! You can get a car anywhere, they need you to sign the paperwork, and their crappy tactics rely on you being intimidated.

    5. DunderHead*

      My suggestion is to find redeeming qualities in the car you have now. Maybe purposefully make some new memories in it.

      I’m very much a “I made my bed now I have to lie in it” kind of person so I am always looking for the positive in less than amazing situations.

    6. Lifelong student*

      Is it less mileage per fill-up or less mileage per gallon? Generally, people compare mileage per gallon because that is a more universal way to compare. If two vehicles have the same miles per gallon, absent significant changes in per gallon cost over time, they should cost the same amount to operate. The smaller tank might add more frequent fill ups- which can be annoying- but not a greater cost- again assuming relatively stable gas prices.

      1. Person from the Resume*

        I have a 4 door sedan and I’m pretty sure I have a 12 gallon tank. I usually fill up by getting a bit over of 10 gallons of gas. I take less time to fill up than any SUV and I pay less than any SUV driver when filling up a nearly empty tank. I like that. I still get great gas mileage.

      2. Bad buyers remorse*

        Ah… that’s a good point. So it’s advertised to get 24-26 city and 31 highway, but has a significantly smaller gas tank – 13 gallons. Compared to my Honda which was 13 gallons (but 28 average city) I am filling up a lot more, and I just assumed this meant with the smaller gas tank, even with OK mileage, I’d be paying more in the long run.

    7. Dino*

      The car market is kinda insane right now and dealerships are desperate for inventory. Look around at trading it in or selling it back, so long as there isn’t something mechanically wrong with it. If you scale down in either size or luxury or if you get a car known to be “ugly” or unfashionable, you might be able to get close to breaking even on this car’s loan.

    9. My Honda!*

      I did end up being quite fond of the car I had a weird time buying. From 25+ years ago, I still remember the sales person’s name, that’s how much I disliked her by the end.

      Helen told me she was missing her granddaughter’s play to finish the sale. She told me she wasn’t making any money on the sale. Helen called me at work before our evening appointment (my bf at the time had been there previously to do some pre- legwork) and asked me for a credit card to put air conditioning in the car, so it would be done by the time I got there. I said no, I’d worry about ac when I got there to finalize the sale, and guess what, it had always had ac.

      The finance manager put together his finance package despite me telling him I had a deal with my bank for financing (and it took forever to deal with him, go through the numbers, wait for him to check on I-don’t-know-what). And then when his number was higher than my bank’s rate, he said, “so we’re comparable.” Um, no, yours is just more.

      It was the first brand new car I ever bought, and I wasn’t going to let Helen, et al. ruin it for me. And I never took it for service to that dealership.

    10. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Some states do have laws requiring returns. Lemon laws are more common, but I have heard that some have coverage for people who bought due to misleading high-pressure sales tactics. Look at local state web pages for a start. Library might have resources too.

  41. Sunflower*

    Has anyone experienced Goodreads deleting all their friends and people they follow? I’ve seen the question on a few forms and it seems this is a bug affecting quite a few people. I submitted a form to the support team but don’t have much faith and I’m just a bit upset/annoyed.

    1. Clodagh*

      I can see my friends/people I’m following on the website, but not on the app. It’s annoying but it never occurred to me I could report it so thanks for the heads up!

  42. Ali G*

    Has anyone used a mobile vet service for 100% (or almost 100%) of regular pet care? My Old Man Dog needs to get a senior panel done (and I need his kidney levels checked) before an upcoming cardio appointment. As he’s gotten older, the stress of going to the vet has just gotten worse and worse, even with Xanax. So I no longer want to take him in for routine stuff like labs and vacc’s. The service I am using for lab works is actually full service, and since he’s so old, I am thinking of just switching 100%. Eventually his heart and kidney issues won’t be manageable and we will have to let him go – I figure the mobile vet can help us manage that. The e-vet is like 3 miles away, so we have that if needed. They do full diagnostics, annual wellness exams, etc.
    Curious if anyone has experience here. I am not really seeing a down side – although I am not sure how price compares. And I am not sure if I switch – does that actually mean we aren’t a patient at the current vet anymore? I guess I’d have to get all his prescriptions changed over, is that right?

    1. Ask a Manager* Post author

      We use a mobile vet for almost everything; it’s just easier with six cats. It’s slightly more expensive because they charge a travel fee, but it’s much more convenient. But we’ve also continued to use the regular vet occasionally when something felt time-sensitive and we could get an appointment there faster, or when we needed something specialized (like when Sophie needed all her teeth pulled because of stomatitis, we took her to a veterinary dentist). You can be a patient with both simultaneously; we’ve been up-front about what we’re doing and they’ve been fine with it.

      1. Ali G*

        Thank you! I was hoping if I was upfront with both services we could stay on at the regulars vet too.

    2. Dog and cat fosterer*

      It’s typically a cost thing. The mobile vets are also often more limited about surgeries as I think they rent someone else’s facility. If you can be honest with the current one and ask to remain a client for when the mobile vet isn’t sufficient then that is likely ideal.

    3. Chauncy Gardener*

      We use a mobile vet and we love it! We have a cat and a dog right now and it is so easy. In our area (New England), even with the travel fee, it is still cheaper than our two local ‘big’ vet centers. If they need surgery, you still have to go to one of the brick and mortar vets, although some mobil vets have surgery privileges at a brick and mortar vet. Our vet has an online pharmacy, so we get all the meds through that and it’s very reasonable. Our current dog was terribly abused and abandoned, so there is literally no way we could take him to a vet with all the covid precautions. None of them allow you to go in with your dog, and our guy would lose his mind if we did that. It would set him back so much in terms of his abandonment and security issues

      When we’ve had to put a dog or cat to sleep, having a mobile vet is the biggest blessing I can imagine. It makes a terribly difficult situation so much more gentle and kind for everyone, especially the animal. If you can’t bury them in your yard, there are services that will come take your pet’s body and do the cremation and then send you their ashes, etc.
      I hope this helps!

  43. Potatoes gonna potate*

    Over the last year or so I’ve been reading a little more about ADD/ADHD and — shocker — everything fits. I spoke to a doctor and was officially diagnosed last year in June but I still come across readings and posts and they all fit me! Since I’ve been sharing them so often, two of my friends have told me that they also suspect ADD/ADHD but not formally diagnosed (yet). But everytime I see it it’s like… a ha! It’s been a slow progression from telling myself that I’m NOT a “stupid __” (whatever words were used to me as a child) to accepting that this is who I am and I’m trying my best.

    3. Falling Diphthong*

      A blogger described reading through memes about living with ADHD and slowly thinking “… Wait, this isn’t normal for everyone?”

      1. Overeducated*

        Honestly, my sibling has pretty severe ADHD that impacted their life from a young age, so I’ve always been the neurotypical counterexample in my family, and the internet memes kind of make me crazy because I identify with almost all of them. But I’ve always been “the one who had it easy” and do fine at work (vs feeling frequently overwhelmed in personal life), so I’m like…seriously, are you sure it’s not all normal?

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          Fwiw, I had a physical therapist who was one of three sons, the youngest diagnosed with severe ADHD. And with that diagnosis, the older brothers realized they had similar traits, but less extreme. They had been able to deal with it by seeking out careers where they moved around and frequently changed what they had to focus on, and running triathlons for fun. Youngest needed more help.

  44. Fellow Traveller*

    Tell me about random acts of kindness that you’ve experienced or that you’ve done!
    Last year I took this online class called the Science of Well Being (aka “The Yale Happiness Course”), and I’ve been trying to use the actionable steps that are laid out in the course which have been scientifically proven to improve well being. Practicing gratitude, savoring experiences, connecting with people, and exercise have really worked well for me. Meditation has been hit or miss. Sleep, I know is important but hard for me to do because of kids and revenge bedtime procrastination.
    Practicing acts of kindness is another one I’ve been struggling with, especially during COVID times when it’s hard to know what kind of contact people are comfortable with.
    Last week, I made care packages for a couple friends quarantining with young children, and similarly a friend went on grocery runs for us when we were in the same situation. Otherwise I’m largely drawing a blank on acts of kindness to implement.
    so please share:L I would love to hear how kindness has come into your life these days.

    1. Koala dreams*

      I got a letter from a friend, with a folded origami style thing inside! Super nice.

      Also, I’m invited to dinner at another friend’s next week. I’m not sure if dinner is possible where you live.

      Anyway, your care package idea sounds great!

    2. L. Ron Jeremy*

      I let the older, infirm person go ahead of me in line at the liquor store.

      Felt good about it the rest of the afternoon.

    3. My Brain Is Exploding*

      You are thinking of big acts of kindness; maybe start thinking of small things? Letting someone with just a few items go ahead of you in the checkout line; smiling at the person ringing your groceries; leaving a bigger-than-normal tip at a restaurant; carrying little dog biscuits for the dogs on your walk; letting someone into your lane in traffic; picking up some litter on your walk; write notes of appreciation; call someone who could use a nice phone chat. Ask people and you might be surprised what they would like! Once I went to a friend’s house and peeled and cut 10 lbs of carrots. For me, it was spouse asking if I wanted the last cookie, even though he knew I probably didn’t and he did.

      1. fposte*

        It is amazing how much somebody waving me ahead in traffic can add to my day; I know I’m always more generous with people in traffic myself then, too.

      2. Maxie's Mommy*

        I leave a cold water every day for the mail carrier. If I see a UPS or FedEx truck, I’ll flag down the driver and give them a cold water and a cold Coke, and tell them they’re valued. I have never seen such appreciation.

    4. Let me be dark and twisty*

      Mine is about kindness that was extended to me, and it’s a bit of a story. Last November I had a fall that led to emergency surgery to repair a bad break in my ankle. (I’m okay now!) It was bad enough that the doctors refused to allow me to go home because I lived alone and I needed a lot of help. So I temporarily moved in with my partner, who lives in a different city on the other side of our state, which is also where my accident happened. I was there for two months before the doctor gave me the OK to come home, and I just came back home two weeks ago. Now I don’t think I’m a memorable person. I think I’m pretty forgettable and unremarkable, and we’re all wearing masks anyway so who’s going to know me from Jill, right? What I didn’t realize was how many people noticed I was gone: the waiter at my favorite restaurant, another regular at the diner, the nurse at the allergy clinic, the owner of the Chinese restaurant, and the guys at the pizza parlor. Maybe it’s because I’m a creature of habit and I just go to the same places all the time, but it felt pretty remarkable that all these practically-strangers noticed I disappeared and were genuinely concerned with where I was and if I was okay. The absence of my business probably doesn’t affect their bottom line but the fact that they realized I hadn’t come around in a while just increased my loyalty to their businesses ten-fold.

      So for something you could do, maybe if there are places where you’re a regular at, just being a little more observational to notice when something is different or someone has changed and telling that person you noticed. Especially in these times of COVID when people are struggling mentally, someone else noticing your existence is the validation that they matter and that they’re part of something. Leave snacks for the Amazon guy, offer handwarmers to the mailman, donate socks and blankets to the homeless shelter, an extra-large tip for your favorite waitress, reaching out to an old friend you haven’t spoken to in months or years just to say you’re thinking of them and thought they’d enjoy this memory you have of them. Whatever you can do that tells other people “Hey. I see you. You’re doing good today. I appreciate you.”

    5. The Dude Abides*

      During winter, I make sure to keep a good-sized metal shovel in my trunk for digging myself out.

      Several times, I’ve driven by cars stuck trying to get out, and stopped to dig them out and give a push to get them going.

    6. Skeeder Jones*

      A couple of things I’ve done is to send care packages with some toys to my co-workers who have suddenly had their young children at home. Our team was remote prior to the pandemic but my co-workers all had daycare for their kids and then suddenly they were home with them. I could send stuff to them directly from Amazon and I didn’t include my name, but they figured out it was me anyway. They sent me some great pics of their kids at play.

      I also sent Starbuck’s gift certificates to all the teens/early 20’s folks in my life, including my co-workers with kids that age.

      The other thing I’ve done is to give ridiculously large tips to any delivery person who works for app-based deliveries and restaurant delivery services (meaning, everyone except UPS, USPS, FedEx etc). I appreciate their help as I have mobility disabilities and it’s hard for me to get out. I’ve also given huge tips on those few rare occasions when I’ve gone out to eat. By ridiculous, I mean between 40-50% and I just include that in my budget for groceries or when deciding if I want to order food. I’ve had a few people comment how much it meant to them and how it changed their day. I intend to continue this (maybe going down to 30-40%) when we finally return to some semblance of normalcy as it helps me feel grateful for all that I have as well.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      I find ways to use what I have. I carry one of those cool snow brooms in my car. I can clear my car off in less than 2 minutes- it’s a breeze with this thing. So I will clear off a car for an older person or tired/frazzled person when I see them, it’s almost no effort on my part and it makes them smile.
      I feel very fortunate to have a tractor for snow removal. The gratitude moves me to look around to see who else needs snow blowing done, when I am out with my tractor. I do it randomly so no one “expects” me to show up. Mostly I target the tough storms or the later storms when there is no place left to put the snow. (The blower puts the snow up and over the snow banks as opposed to a plow blade which pushes the snow into a snow bank.)

      The garage that I do business with touched my heart a short while ago. I work within a few miles of the garage. They said it would be no problem to take me to work so I can leave my car with them, then they would come get me when the car was done. This is such a huge help.

      Recently, my car battery announced its intent to quit working sometime soon. I was looking at batteries online. $189!! what happened there??? Anyway, I thought I had found a much cheaper battery that would work. Without me asking, my friend volunteered to go with me to look at this significantly cheaper battery and he would install it right in the parking lot so I could get my core fee back.
      All of this did not pan out as the much cheaper battery was out of stock. (wonder why/s) But the fact that my friend offered to knock himself out like this really lifted my spirits even though I still shelled out $200 for a stupid battery anyway.

      It’s funny/odd what can lift us up.

    8. sagewhiz*

      I go for the small act approach, complimenting other women whenever possible—in passing at a store, to the teller or clerk: Your earrings (rings or bracelets) are lovely! That is a gorgeous skirt! That color look great on you! You have beautiful hair.

      Every single time it brings a smile, a surprised “thank you,” and I feel their spirit lift. Because, as someone else here says, it means they’re noticed. And we all too often feel invisible.

      (Unfortunately, I can’t/don’t do the same with men as I’d come off as a creepy cougar ;-)

    9. Dark Macadamia*

      My daughter’s teacher shared some news that doesn’t affect my family but is a big disappointment for the teacher and could upset some of the other parents. I made a point of sending a response expressing support for the teacher even though I’m not involved, just in case others respond poorly.

    10. the cat's ass*

      My credit union recently closed 50% of their offices d/t the panini and the line at my favorite one was just nuts. The gentleman in front of me saved my space and i bought two giant boxes of donuts-one for the folks in line, and one for the staff inside the credit union. It turned into a party! Had to go back again and I am now “the donut lady” at my credit union.

    11. Girasol*

      Any word of encouragement is a kindness that’s easy to practice. Friends, strangers, coworkers, family: there are plenty of opportunities to make people feel good about themselves.

    12. Fellow Traveller*

      These are good thoughts, thank you! I think since I’ve had so limited contact with people because of COVID that I think I forget about the little things to do as we move through life. And some things- smiling, saying hello, holding a door… aren’t those just common courtesy of everyday interaction? Seeing it written out, I realize that I’ve naturally always just done those little things because that’s how I was raised to function in the world. Maybe “Don’t be an a**hole” counts as an active action of kindness, then?
      I love reading all the specific stories of kindness received too.

    13. Elle Woods*

      Little act of kindness I experienced recently? An employee at my favorite convenience store gifted me a free caffeinated drink this morning. Her kindness was probably more of an energy boost than the caffeine!

      One RAK (random act of kindness) that I did that stands out to me was a few months ago during back to school shopping. I was at a nationwide department store because I had earned a bunch of the store’s loyalty cash. The only reason I was in the store this particular day was because I had time to kill between appointments. I wandered the store for a while and was headed to the exit when I noticed a mother and two teenage boys checking out at the register. I overheard the mother say something to the boys about picking which clothing items they really needed and the other stuff would have to wait. I walked over to the register and said, “I’ve got a bunch of loyalty cash I won’t use, would you like it?” The mom started tearing up as I handed her the loyalty cash. If felt so good to give the loyalty cash to someone who really needed it rather than spending it on frivolous stuff I didn’t really need or letting it go to waste.

    14. Double A*

      Compliment a service worker to their manager; even better if they have some kind of comment card and you leave it in writing. You can even email it.

      I did this at my grocery store right around Christmas; I really genuinely appreciate that store, and when I handed the comment card to a worker I could tell they were a bit tense (probably assuming it was a complaint) so I told them it was all positive and that I was grateful to all of them and they smiled really big and were like, “We’re putting this right on our Manager’s desk!”

      I really hope I made them feel good, but I have to say it made me feel really good too.

    15. Aspiring Chicken Lady*

      I belong to two mutual aid groups in my area — they’re on Facebook and folks are able to post needs and other folks are able to provide for those needs. Sometimes it’s help with prescription costs or groceries/diapers etc, sometimes it’s advice about car repairs or other services, sometimes someone needs a ride somewhere, sometimes it’s “help I’m overwhelmed and need a virtual hug.”

      I tithed a lot of my pandemic overtime money into the mutual aid emergency funds, occasionally buy dinner or groceries for a family who’s stuck, and share ideas and emotional support where I can.

      I don’t have a lot of bandwidth for going out in the world, but I feel like this helps me make a difference to a few people a month.

  45. Hotdog not dog*

    Little joys thread- if it’s already on here and I missed it, apologies! I have two joys this week. Best Good Dog is trying a new medication, and it seems to be working better than I hoped! He’s acting years younger and is back to his mischievous old self. As a bonus, the new meds are cheaper than the old ones. Second joy is that I “picked blind” at the library this week (I randomly grab a book without looking) and am very much enjoying Small World by Jonathan Evison while watching the snow fall outside. What’s making everyone smile this week?

    2. Astoria*

      I discovered a YouTube channel that I love- Todd in the Shadows. Todd reviews popular songs, digs into one-hit-wonders, and has best and worst year-end lists. It’s just the kind of thing I enjoy, and his style and sense of humor really click with me.

    3. AGD*

      I bought a lot of treats at the supermarket and also enjoyed an usually large amount of time for yarn crafting!

    4. UKDancer*

      I went to see my favourite cousin for an evening and a night away. I’ve not seen her since Covid and we’ve had to postpone twice for lockdowns. It was lovely having fun and enjoying her company. We had a lovely time and caught up on news.

    5. Voluptuousfire*

      Went into Manhattan for a movie event with one of my favorite actor/directors and there was a panel with the cast and a q&a session.

      I was leery of going since it was sold out, but it was ran really well. Everyone was masked and the theater was serious about checking vaccination cards and IDs. I felt safe being in a crowded theater for two hours. That helped alleviate my anxiety with Omicron somewhat. Still being careful but I can attend an event I want without issue.

    6. Might Be Spam*

      I just finished a Skype lunch with my son and daughter. We celebrated my son’s birthday and then spent an hour virtually following his roommate’s new puppy around.

    7. Filosofickle*

      I ordered a cheesecake to be delivered to my home, as I’m largely housebound due to a knee injury. And let’s be clear, I don’t have three Golden Girls to share it with. All for me! (Though I did freeze a bunch of it so there will be more joy to come.)

  46. RagingADHD*

    IDK what that comment was, but I had a pretty easy time getting dx and medicated, because a) it was extremely clear that I met all the criteria and meds would help a lot, b) I was fortunate to not have any history of major comorbidities or alternate dx that clouded the issue, and c) at the time I had no medical contraindications to the meds.

    And of course, the luck of having a doctor who practices medicine instead of ideology.

    It was a bit of a Goldilocks experience, but my point is that for some people the diagnosis is, “No shit Sherlock, of course it’s ADHD.”

    2. Potatoes gonna potate*

      Heh it was in response to my comment which was also a nesting fail.

      Getting the actual diagnosis wasn’t difficult. I had a zoom meeting with the doctor. It was everything before and after that was challenging. I don’t remember now if I posted about this last year but I was having a really hard time finding a doctor who would see me. When I finally got the appt with the doctor (3 months out), they called me 30 minutes early and when I tried to call back no one would answer. I panicked because they would cancel my appt and I’d have to wait another 3 months for an appt. Anyways I did get the doctor (they “squeezed me in as a courtesy”) and We had a long detailed conversation and she Rx adderall.

      Getting the actual medicine wasnt easy either. My pharmacy didn’t have the medication in stock for a while and I couldn’t go to a diff location without getting a new Rx which I couldn’t get bc I could never get in touch w the doctor or her office.

      Since June, I’ve had 3 appts with the doctor. My medicine is monthly but I had to miss 6-8 weeks of medicine bc the office never gave my request to the dr. I had to go to my primary care and beg them for a months supply. I like the doctor but all that other stuff wasn’t fun to deal with.

  47. Goose*

    What is everyone’s favorite media about sobriety? I’m really enjoying Single Drunk Female, and I loved how Elementary handled Sherlock’s sobriety as well. I’m not looking for “trauma porn” or stories that deal with relapse, but more about navigating sober life.

    2. GlowCloud*

      Idk if it counts, since it’s not a topic I have experience in, but I thought of Tuca in Netflix’s animated surrealist buddy comedy Tuca & Bertie. She has a couple of episodes in Season 1 where she’s navigating a visit to her Aunt, who plies her with alcohol, or trying to date for the first time since getting sober. The show kind of presents sobriety as a thing that she’s dealing with emotionally, beneath her confident exterior, that comes to the fore in certain situations that she finds challenging, but it’s definitely not a defining feature of her character, and I don’t think the show invites judgement. I think Netflix pulled the series, but it might be back since the release of Season 2.

  49. Chaordic One*

    The earlier question about buying a new car has made me wonder, has anyone here ever used a car buying service service, such as through Costco? How was it? Would you use it again? Did you feel you got a good deal? I really dread the price negotiating part of buying a new car.

    1. shoelaces*

      I have used a car broker- gave him the specs of what I wanted, he got the car. slightly less than dealership price. The experience was fine. We had looked at costco, but they deal in such a limited range of cars that they didn’t have the car we wanted.

      The weird, shady part was that he was manager of a toyota dealership, and we were buying a honda. It’s where we discovered there is a completely behind the scenes network of car exchange that the car dealers aren’t keeping track of. Like, we could go on the honda website,and see where the cars that matched our specs were. In this case, there wasn’t a car within 1000 miles, so the whole deal was kept off honda’s website. And, the paperwork is such that a local honda dealership thinks we got the car through them, and they call for service reminders. So, an interesting lesson for me, but buying the car was as hassle-free as it could possibly be.

      1. Girasol*

        I did that once too. My credit union recommended the broker. She delivered the car to their office where I paid on the spot. There was never a sales pitch, just “I can get the car you asked about for price X in color A or B. Will one of those meet your need? Note that the cost of my service will add Y hundred dollars to your bill.” I had already gone to a car lot and had a dealer’s quote on the same car, and the cost through the broker was way less.

    2. BittersweetSilver*

      I used the Costco program to buy a car as a mid-20s woman and I found it useful and will likely try to do so again when I buy my next car. I did have to drive a couple hours to a participating dealer that had the make/model/specs I wanted, but I got the price that Costco had negotiated with them which was certainly under MSRP by a decent chunk at the time (pre-COVID). A few things to watch out for: dealers will still try to sell you on extras HARD – my parents had prepped me to say “no thank you” to any question about an extra, and it was fine (even though it meant saying no several times to the same things); the other thing is that while I probably saved some time not negotiating, with trading in my previous car and all the paperwork I was still at the dealership for a good 3-4 hours anyway (helpful for the dealer to keep trying to sell me on extras).

    3. Generic Name*

      I bought my car through AAA. 10/10 would use again. I didn’t negotiate on price because the price was $250 under invoice.

    4. ronda*

      a long time ago my credit union had one and I used it. It was a good experience for me. Go into sign my loan documents and pick up the car. Easy.
      I think the price was fine.
      But you did have to be specific about what you wanted, they would not look for lots of possibilities for you to chose from.

    5. Chaordic One*

      Thank you for your comments and advice. I have looked at several auto dealer websites near where I live and most of them are just displaying the full Manufacturer’s Suggested Retail Price (MSRP) on the cars they have in stock, but that doesn’t really mean anything. There’s one that has added a $3,000.00 “Market Adjustment” fee to all of their new car prices (which is outrageous). It is very possible that these other dealers might be marking up their prices too, given the lack of new car inventory at the moment. OTOH, the last time I was at Costco, there was a lower priced Japanese CUV that had a sign saying it was being offered for sale at $1,000.00 below the MSRP (which is still a bit above the dealer invoice price) price to Costco members. It wasn’t a model I was considering, but it was a good price.

      I’ve narrowed my selection down to 3 different models and my current plan is to test drive each of the finalists to make sure the seats are comfortable and they are decent to drive. If not, they’ll get taken off my list. Then I’ll contact Costco and see what kind of a deal they can come up with. I’m hoping to avoid having to pay above sticker, and still get a bit of discount, but with the current limited new car inventory (because of COVID-related computer chip shortages), I’m afraid that I might have to pay full MSRP and a documentation fee.

    6. Elle Woods*

      My parents have purchased their last four (five?) vehicles either directly or indirectly through the Costco program. The first time they did was about 12 years ago. They knew what kind of car they wanted and the features they wanted it to have. Costco put them in touch with an excellent sales consultant who found them exactly what they wanted and was a pleasure to deal with. They’ve used this same consultant for their last four vehicle purchases. She really knows her stuff and has made sure they’ve gotten a great deal every single time.

    7. Green Mug*

      If you go to the dealer’s web site, they should have a feature for inquiring about the price of the car through email. Consider that price to be their price. You can decide from the comfort of your home whether you like the car for the amount they quote. If you have a car to trade in, there is room to negotiate there. However, I had to get a car recently, and given the shortage of vehicles, the quoted price was basically full price.

  50. Dreaming of travel*

    Have you found ways to let someone in crisis know you’re thinking of them?

    My cousin lives pretty far away; we were close when we were younger, but are now more Facebook/holiday card friends. Her spouse got a very grim health diagnosis recently. Her sibling is acting as appointed news giver; my cousin said she didn’t want to talk about it or answer questions. I sent her a quick text just saying I was thinking of her and got a grateful reply. I said to lmk if I could help with anything, no reply (and none needed.)

    Ideas for how to send loving support from afar? I asked the designated sibling but they didn’t have any ideas (“knowing you care is enough.”)

    1. RagingADHD*

      Cards are always nice, and can be dealt with in their own time, and kept or tossed as they like.

    2. Sunshine*

      It’s always nice to send something nice. A meal (Omaha steaks or delivering something local) maybe flowers. I think a token of care from afar is nice.
      Also making a couple specific offers ( can I come help with the kids for a weekend; I’d love to send you a dinner from a or b restaurant let me know a good night; I’m truly here to listen with no advice if you need to talk; would you like to zoom and have a glass of wine and talk or not talk about it. )
      It’s really lovely that you are doing your best to show up for your cousin.

    3. marvin the paranoid android*

      I would say that showing you care matters a lot, particularly if you sustain that over time rather than just the first time you hear it. If an opportunity to offer more hands-on support presents itself, it would be thoughtful to volunteer, but when you’re going through a long, sustained crisis, a lot of people fall out of touch gradually and it’s easy to feel isolated.

    4. Goose*

      I know there’s so much bad about Grubhub and the like… but for for sending a meal to someone far away, there’s not much that beats it

    5. Max Kitty*

      Care package for cousin or spouse. When we had relative going through cancer treatment, we looked up what types of items were useful and sent a box that was much appreciated.

    6. Daffodilly*

      They say “knowing you care is enough”
      Take them at their word. And *keep* letting them know you care. Situations like this call for ongoing support, not one-and-done.
      Lots of people say they care right at the start. Few keep it up.
      Maybe send a weekly card for a while. Text again in a month. Ask the sibling again in a week or so, and instead of saying “let me know if you need anything” say something like “I have a couple hours this weekend, is there something I could do?” or “I’d like to help out financially, how might I best use (budget) to support them?”
      I have had really good luck with local situations like that by saying “I’m grocery shopping this afternoon, is there anything I can pick up for you?” or “I have some time this weekend, could I help with any cleaning or yard work?” Just giving a nudge with some ideas has yielded many more opportunities to help than saying “let me know if…”

      1. Dreaming of travel*

        Yes, I’ve helped organize meal trains, given gift cards, driven ppl to radiation treatments, etc when local. It’s a bit harder when I’m a long plane ride away, to a place I’ve never been. Thanks for the ideas.

      2. ronda*

        I organized sending weekly cards for a coworker who was out for medical treatment for a year. most people kept saying hope you are doing ok. I usually wrote about what restaurant or movies I had tried lately and gave a rating…. thinking better to say something off topic.

        my sister had done this for a coworker before. both recipients did say that they liked it. Mine even sent a few messages back about something or other that I had said made her laugh, which I think is the best outcome for my notes.

    7. AvonLady Barksdale*

      When my friend’s brother died and I lived far away, I used to randomly text her. Things like, “I’m shopping and they’re playing that song you like” or sending her photos of funny things. She rarely responded but later told me that was helpful. Just little things that said I was thinking of her and she could always reach me.

    8. Chauncy Gardener*

      I’ve found that periodic gifts can work really well, depending on your financial situation. Every couple of weeks send a beautiful card, then some flowers, then maybe a Harry & David gift box, then maybe some fruit from FL or something local from where you are, then another card, maybe a nice throw or whatever they might need, interspersed with nice texts, etc. Those repeating touch points let them know you’re thinking of them throughout whatever bad process they’re going through

    9. So Much To Think About*

      When a friend who lived far away went through a year of cancer (diagnosis, surgery, radiation, chemo…) I sent her a car every Monday for like 13 months. I would send cards, for some period of time I wrote her a poem (think “Roses are red”) and send it on postcards posted every day for four days … and we enjoyed the random order in which they arrived. It seemed like a very small thing to me but she told me later how much it meant to her!
      As for “just knowing you care is enough,” remember that it was the sibling who said that! My brother would say the same, not knowing what to say. Sending a meal card, sending some kind of food they would enjoy, maybe a jigsaw puzzle – I mean, who doesn’t like getting mail?
      The best thing EVER was when my mom was diagnosed with a terminal illness and one of her friends called me and said “As of right now I’m doing all the laundry.” We kept a laundry basket by the back door and she would slip in and take the dirty laundry, leaving the clean laundry, and it was amazing not to have to even THINK ABOUT it again. Amazing. Would I have ever thought to ask someone to do the laundry? No – would never have occurred to me. Was it a life-saver for those last months? Yes, it was.

  51. Mary Fleming*

    When my kids graduated from college I gave them the book Get a Financial Life: Personal Finance in Your Twenties and Thirties. They all said it was so helpful. Although we also helped them learn the basics. Good luck. You will do great. I was raised with my parents doing all the financial work for me and I floundered on my own. That is why I wanted to teach my kids so they wouldn’t struggle as well.

  52. Heffalump*

    In my childhood and early adulthood I was often told that I was literal-minded. I’ve become less so with age and life experience, but reading between the lines is definitely an acquired skill for me.

    I’m not talking so much about the situation where I ask a woman for a date and she gives a polite reason why she “can’t” accept that particular date when she really means, “I don’t want to go out with you, full stop.” I got the memo on that one many years ago, and I can understand why women do it.

    I’m talking more about situations where someone would ask or tell me to do A, I’d do A to the letter, the plain meaning of the words, and then they’d say I was supposed to do B instead of, or in addition to, A. What was baffling and anger-inducing was that people, including my family members, would really get furious (not just mildly annoyed), as if I had misunderstood them on purpose and committed a major crime, even when the misunderstanding caused little or no actual inconvenience. People would say things like, “Can’t you read between the lines?” and “Do I have to spell it out?”

    For the sake of discussion, let’s say that you tell me to do A when you really want me to do B, and I take it literally. If I knew that I was supposed to interpret it as “do B,” I would have done so in the first place. The fact that you actually meant B is, naturally, going to be obvious to you because you’re the speaker. It’s easy for you to say that I should have understood you correctly. Also, if you meant B, then by the same token you could have meant C, D, etc. It’s like getting angry at a hearing-impaired person for not hearing something correctly.

    Once in a great while someone would say politely, “When people say A in context X, it really means B.” But this happened very rarely.

    Any thoughts on this? Thank you.

    1. peasblossom*

      I think your first example (about women and dating) and your last sentence are really the key to approaching a lot of these examples. Context shapes meaning so that you have to read people’s language alongside their history and the current circumstance. And even then you might get it wrong! That’s the nature of communication; to always be in danger of failing. If it helps, like with most skills, some people might be naturally more adept at this, but it really is a skill that isn’t innate to anyone; everyone has to learn it.

    2. Daffodilly*

      Hard to really understand what exactly you mean. I remember when my kids were toddlers, I’d say “pick up that mess you made” and they would just move it from the floor to the couch instead of actually putting it away.
      Or even a bit older, telling them to put away their backpacks after school, only to find them in weird random places. (Like once in the fridge?!?)
      If it’s that kind of thing you’re talking about then I totally get why family is frustrated with you.
      Taking a minute to think “why are they asking me this?” might help you understand. Like I was asking my kids to pick up their mess, because I don’t want there to BE a mess any more. I definitely didn’t want it simply moved to the couch. But if you want to be super literal, the mess was picked UP to a higher spot.
      I definitely wasn’t telling them to put away their backpacks in the fridge. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to assume the “…where they belong!” part when I tell the kids to put them away.
      So taking a minute to think “why are they asking me to do this?” and “am I being too literal?” might help you figure out the context.

      1. Reba*

        oooh, I think “why are they asking me this” is such a helpful question, that could be revealing of the interpretive context.

        I recently ran across some slides that were for teaching how to infer implicit meanings. The examples were everyday signage, things like:
        “wet paint” — plain meaning, this surface has wet paint on it. Implicit meaning, don’t touch!
        “reserved” sign on a table — plain meaning, someone reserved this spot. Implicit meaning, you can’t sit there.
        “on air” (like in a radio or TV studio) — plain meaning, the crew is working live right now. Implicit meaning, keep quiet!

        These are simple examples (I think it was for a teacher training, so the examples are for young learners). But it was striking to me just how common these implicit instructions are in everyday life! Anyway it seems to me that a to make the link between the plain meaning A and the implicit instructions B would be asking that question, “why did they want to tell me this/ask me this now?”

      2. Chauncy Gardener*

        A corollary to “why are they asking me this?” could be “what could this situation be true of?”

    3. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

      Ooh, interesting topic! My first reaction is that we don’t have enough specifics to tell you whether you ought to have figured these out, or if the other people were being unnecessarily obtuse. Because this kind of communication is all about nuance and context and culture, which are all of course left out of As and Bs.

      My bit of advice would be to take the awkwardness of blunt communication on yourself, if you value it. Straight up ask if they want B, and pay attention to the uncomfortable silences that mean you guessed right but they don’t want to say it out loud. If it’s awkward to ask, you often get an idea of why it was awkward for them to say. This does require noticing when you are missing something though.

      It is reasonable to ask family and close friends to alter their communication style for you, but both unreasonable and impossible to ask that from strangers. So if you want to improve things, you gotta change yourself.

    4. Squidhead*

      Do you find that B is often an expansion of A? Like if I asked you to take out the trash, I would mean “go around the house and empty all the wastebaskets, change the cat litter, then tie off the main trash bag (which contains all of the above) and put it in the roller can and roll it to the curb, also put out the recycling, and then put a new bag in the main trash can.” If you didn’t live here, you wouldn’t know all that, but if you did live in my house and had taken out the trash before, I would expect that you would either a) do all those steps every time or b) at least ask if all those steps needed to be done or if I literally meant “just put the main bag out at the curb.” (I wouldn’t be furious, of course, but I could see being annoyed?) If so, critical thinking skills can be practiced! I actually find that having to teach someone else how to do a skill or task helps cement the whole of it in my brain, and looking at something as a “whole” (ie: what is needed to fully finish this task?) might help you avoid this in the future. Also worth considering: In some cases, it might be that no one is “right.” There’s no one way to empty the cat litter, so long as you don’t make a mess. Someone giving you grief about doing it ‘wrong’ when you’re actually just doing it ‘differently’ should find a new hobby.

      Or are you more frequently experiencing some sort of “social code” that seems like a mystery, such as the host who says “oh, don’t bring anything” and then your family is like “how could you be so rude as to not bring anything?!” Unfortunately, this probably comes down to context within your culture/family. You don’t know unless you know, which sucks. Resources about “ask” vs “guess” culture might interest you.

    5. Dark Macadamia*

      Like others, it’s hard to say much without knowing any specific examples. Is A related to B, like they’re asking you to (A) walk the dog and assuming you’ll realize part of that is (B) having the dog pee before you bring it back inside? Or is it like, they ask you to (A) walk the dog and somehow expect you to know what they actually want is for you to (B) mow the lawn instead?

      Is there a pattern? Like, do you repeatedly get asked to do A and they’re ALWAYS upset about B or C after? “Do I have to spell it out” sounds like exasperation that you should already know what is expected. That may or may not be reasonable, but for example there’s a big difference between not realizing you need to take out the trash AND recycling the one time someone asks you to do it, vs being reminded to take out the trash EVERY week and ALWAYS forgetting the recycling.

    6. Melody Pond*

      I relate hardcore to what you’re describing. I feel like I spend a lot of my energy on running all these little social subroutines in my head, that I’ve built up over the years to figure out what people actually mean, because their words often do NOT measure up to what I would consider verbal clarity and directness.

      What are you looking for, exactly? Commiseration? Are you looking to find more resources on “when people say X, they really mean Y, and you should respond with Z”? Permission to tell people they need to be more direct with you? (I’ve been trying to go this direction, personally. It’s not reasonable for me to do all of the accommodating for communication differences – other folks can accommodate me sometimes.)

      1. river*

        I relate to this in a general sense. They say I’m too literal, and I say, if you meant something else, just say it (and these are always low-stakes things, not the dating example, which is an understandable behaviour).
        But my pet peeve is filling out forms. So many forms are badly worded! The questions are unclear, have many possible answers, or are straight-up contradictory. It both infuriates and stresses me.

    7. Asenath*

      I think there’s two different things included here. In one case – like the dating one, and sometimes in work tasks – there are generally accepted ways of saying things – of COURSE revisiting of the specifications of thingamabobs is included when you report on whatsit production! We’ve always done it that way! Most of these are relatively easy for me to figure out, at least after the first time I’ve gotten some standard personal response or report wrong. But I have also noted that people have varying communication styles, and one in particular meshes really badly with my more literal one. That’s the one where people aren’t using well-known softening responses (like in your date experiences) or leaving out part of the tasks they think are included in a job, but haven’t mentioned. Instead, they’re hinting, in words or actions. I don’t know if that’s part of what you are experiencing, but what you mention sounds similar to things I’ve experiences. I don’t really get hints unless they’re really obvious, although I think I’ve gotten better at spotting them and less reluctant to ask straight out what the other person is trying to get across. There was a long-ago roommate who frequently tidied our shared room. I thought she was unusually meticulous when it came to housework. It took me a very long time to notice her annoyance, and realize she was really trying to say “Why can’t you pick up after yourself or at least keep your mess on your side of the room?” Some people actually try to communicate this way, and my only solution has been to watch out for the behaviour and ask outright if I suspect it’s happening.

    8. Batgirl*

      It’s really hard to know what the context of A and B is! Did you break the social contract somehow like “help people who are in need in front of you”, but you didn’t because you were only told to “keep an eye on them”. Or is it more “don’t get me anything for my birthday, I’ve stopped enjoying gifts” and then they get mad because you listened to them?

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Yeah this bs is crazy making. Older me would simply say, “Say what you mean and mean what you say. It’s exhausting trying to read your mind.”
        If Batgirl’s example is typical of your experience then tell your family to grow up and learn to communicate like adults.

    9. Not So NewReader*

      I think the number one thing I see here is to teach yourself not to get upset/angry when people do the A/B switching on you. Teach yourself to calmly state, “You asked me for A, so I did A. If you had asked me for B then I would have done B. I do not mind doing things [for you/for us/whatever].”

      Get yourself to realize that you are genuinely trying to help and you haven’t done anything wrong. Their expectation that you mind-read, however, is wrong.

      I will say though, with repeated tasks there is an expectation that we shouldn’t have to tell people every step of the task if they have done it before. Additionally, there are some tasks that obviously need to be done and it is annoying to ask for obvious things. The garbage is falling out of the can on to the floor- that means the can should have been emptied a while ago. It’s clear to a casual observer, as the expression goes. People expect that common tasks be remembered.

      If you are doing a task that is not something you do all the time, a good question to ask yourself is to say, “Is there anything extra needed here?” So if someone says, “Please put the folded clothes away” and you see there are folded towels in with the clothes, it’s probably safe to assume they want you to put everything in the pile away, even thought technically speaking towels are not clothes. People do not always speak with exacting accuracy, we have to allow for some slop or wiggle room. Here probably the least annoying thing to ask would be to say, “You want the whole pile put away, right?”

      Some people are very prone to speaking sloppily or inaccurately. But you can find patterns and learn their patterns of speaking. In extreme cases where someone is just doing a very poor job of conveying what they want, you can say, “I will do this …. as soon as I understand what you want.” In these extreme situations it is fine to push back gently and insist the person communicate a little more clearly.

      Try to figure out where the literal mindedness comes from. I grew up in a family where every other sentence began with, “WELL. YOU should know!” Hmm. I am a kid. Where would I have learned that if YOU didn’t teach me. So being literal minded was necessary for my survival. Once I went out in the world people were less rigid. They had less mind-reading expectations and they were not accurate every time they spoke. With this part of life it helped me to take a good look at where I was standing and who was around me. I adjusted my thinking up or down from there.

    10. Expiring Cat Memes*

      Oh, it sounds like perhaps you may be wired similarly to my husband. Like you, learning the sayings that aren’t to be taken literally, or that mean something else/more is all acquired knowledge for him. Most people seem to intuitively know what should be taken literally or not, but the way his brain is wired, it’s like naturally associating the words with other relevant context is just not part of his standard software package. He also seems to be inverted on the verbal/non-verbal communication scale… you know how the generally accepted stat on communication is that it’s only about 7% actual words and the rest is body language and tone? Well he’s the other way around, all focused on the words and pays little attention to the tone of voice or body language accompanying them unless they’re quite pronounced. So that makes it very important for him that the words said are the words meant.

      It can be exasperating on both sides. On my end, sometimes I’m shaking my head at how ridiculously obvious some of the associations should be. On his end, he thinks it’s ridiculous that I choose to use words that are open for misinterpretation when I could just as easily pick better words to start with (garbage in = garbage out, essentially).

      It’s unreasonable of me to get frustrated with him, because that would be assuming that he’s doing it out of ignorance or laziness when that’s not the case, it’s really just how his brain is wired and he can’t help it. And it’s unreasonable of him to get frustrated with me, because that would be assuming I’m deliberately trying to confuse him, when it’s really just not possible for me to police my word choices to that extent 100% of the time.

      If this happens regularly with the same people and those relationships are important to you, I suggest talking to them about what’s going on at a time when you’re both calm and receptive. Acknowledge it’s frustrating for them, but also that it’s frustrating for you too. Tell them you’re not doing it “at” them, that’s just how your brain is, and when they lose their cool with you for something that’s out of your control it’s extremely upsetting. See if you can come to an agreement that the next time something similar happens, they will explain what they meant but without the anger and judgement. And for your part, you will not get defensive, will help with whatever it is they meant to ask for, and will remember it for next time. You might not be able to read their mind, but you still want to give them what they need if they can help you understand what that is. The patience has to be a 2-way street.

    11. ecnaseener*

      Yep, I know what you’re talking about. (It seems very common in neurodivergent people, for what that’s worth.) I was seen as a very smart kid, so people just refused to believe that I truly didn’t realize I hadn’t understood their full meaning.

      Related reading: Ask vs Guess culture, Amelia Bedelia

    12. Rebecca Stewart*

      That, for me, is part of my autism.
      I’ve had to learn to tell when people are making social noise and doing the little social dance versus people actually wanting information. One thing that I have started to do is to tell people that I am autistic so don’t assume I’ll pick up on this or that… use your words and TELL ME. I have a family culture that uses their words (we also have a lot of autistic members) and so it’s always a little puzzling to me to run into a person who doesn’t.

      I have had to tell my future mother in law that she has to be very direct with me, and not to worry that directness will offend me; I won’t notice small shades of meaning that have a great deal of weight to her. It took a little bit for her to trust that, but it worked out fine.

      1. Elf*

        Glad that worked for you. My mother in law responded to me asking her to tell me in words when she was offended by something I said by telling me that she could never do that because SHE was a NICE person who could NEVER hurt someone’s feelings like that. It’s always nice to see that reasonable people exist in the world.

    13. anon4this*

      Hi, I have a background mostly in linguistics.

      People who have so called “normal” intuitions about pragmatics (meaning that is non-literal and/or derived from context) have probably never thought twice about these things, and thus may easily come to believe that people having apparent trouble getting from A to B are being disingenuous (either engaging in mockery or being needlessly pedantic). That’s not the case, obviously, but it might account for the impatience.

      Neal Whitman has a blog about being a linguist who is also told he is very literal minded. I also wonder whether working through a pragmatics textbook might help?

    14. really*

      So those people are being ridiculous. They expect you to be a mind reader. My mantra is say what you mean, mean what you say.

      1. pancakes*

        They’re wrong to be so angry about miscommunications, but I don’t think it’s quite that simple. For people who aren’t very literal, allegory, irony, and other forms of non-literal communication are enjoyable and rewarding ways to add style, texture, and humor to written and spoken language. The problem is that unlike a hearing impairment (OP mentioned that getting angry with someone for being literal is “like getting angry at a hearing-impaired person for not hearing something correctly”), knowing whether someone tends to take things literally will not be obvious the first time you talk to one another. It may not be apparent until you’ve gotten to know one another quite well.

      2. Squidhead*

        I agree that “fury” is a ridiculous reaction. But we expect people (especially those close to us, such as family members) to extrapolate from partial information all the time. If we started speaking in a way that didn’t assume this, we’d sound like we were micromanaging the other person’s actions, which creates a different type of friction and discord.

        Using my example above of what it means to take out the trash at my house, if my spouse spelled out each of those steps for me every time we had a conversation about who was taking out the trash this week, it would be really irritating and condescending. Like, I *know* how to take out the trash! I would think that spouse didn’t trust me to handle even a simple task; I would think ‘why are we even having this conversation?’; I would ultimately think that if spouse was so entrenched in rehashing the details every time, they should probably just take out the trash themself! (Obviously, none of those are really productive responses on my part, but that’s how micromanaging makes people feel.)

        And so what’s needed is a balance between what the speaker wants (all the trash, and the cat litter, taken out and the trash can reset with a new bag for next time) and what the hearer needs (which *most* of the time is a one-time rundown of the whole process followed by a polite reminder if steps are getting missed, but recognizing that maybe *this* hearer *does* need the whole process reviewed every time and for the sake of harmony, that’s what to do when talking to *this* hearer).

    15. Neverposts*

      You might want to look into non-verbal learning disorder (NVLD or NLD). Your experiences sound similar to a friend who found out they had this late in life. Understanding things very literally, frustrated that other people seem to just know when something actually means something else when it’s not obvious at all, etc. The description that helped me understand it best was like dyslexia but for body language and other non-verbal cues.

      It has a lot of overlap with autism but isn’t well known at all. Most online resources talk about it for kids only, but if you add “adult” to the search term you might find more relatable information.

      I think for my friend it helped to know they just process information differently. For me, it helped me know how to change my communication style if we got frustrated with each other. Sometimes it felt like we were speaking completely different languages, and in many very real ways we actually do!

      I never post things online like this but finding out about NLD made such a big difference to my friend I felt it was important to go out of my comfort zone to share. Even if this doesn’t sound right for you, I hope it can at least help someone.

      1. Heffalump*

        Lots of interesting responses! Many commenters are using the present tense, so I may have given the impression that this is a current issue for me, and it isn’t. I’ve gotten better at picking up on the subtext. My original questions, which people have somewhat addressed, were: 1) why didn’t people just say what they meant, and 2) why did they get so angry?

        I’d also mention that on a number of occasions where a third person was a witness to the incident, I said, “When he said A, how did you know that he actually meant B?” I never got an answer beyond, “I just knew,” which was no help.

        People asked for examples, so I’ll give a few.

        A couple of years ago I asked a favor of a friend. It was a medium-size ask, and I was aware that he might say no, which was his right. He said, “Let me think about it.” I took that to mean that he’d rather not do it, and I left it at that. When I was 20 or 25 I would have waited a few days and then touched base and said, “So, now that you’ve thought about it, do you think you can do it?”

        I have a cousin whom I was friends with for some years. We’ve never been local to each other, so we maintained the friendship by mail (no email in those days) and occasional visits. On one of my visits, we went with a group of her friends including “Joe,” who was looking over a used car with a view to buying it. Joe spent quite a long time in the seller’s garage negotiating with the seller, and we were all feeling impatient. My cousin said, “Tell Joe we’re leaving in 5 minutes.” I went in and delivered the message. Joe didn’t respond, so I figured it was a case of “silence gives assent.” I came out and said mission accomplished, and my cousin asked when Joe was coming out. I said I hadn’t asked, and she got mad. I suppose this comes under Squidhead’s “B as an expansion of A.” She could have just said, ”Please go back and ask,” but no.

        We battled it out by snail mail after my visit, and she was totally pigheaded about it. She said, “If you’d spent more time around my friend group, you would have known that we sometimes say that to Joe.” That was just the point—I hadn’t spent much time around them and couldn’t be expected to know that. I didn’t think to say it at the time, but since Joe had known the group for years and presumably knew the drill, maybe he should have volunteered the information when I told him we were leaving in 5? My cousin said my reasons for not asking were “rationalizing,” and she ended with, “I still say you should have asked.” Stonewalling to the bitter end. She already had quite a track record of throwing hissy fits at people for minor real or imagined miscues, and this was the last straw. I ended the friendship over this incident and have never had any contact with her since.

        If this situation had ever come up again, I would have known what she meant based on this incident, but there’s always a new, unprecedented situation.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          So you were supposed to tell HER friend? hmmm. Yeah, if it hadn’t been this problem another one very similar would have ended this relationship.

          Watch out for people who use the expression “You should have known”. With these people being right is more important than anything else. If you think about it, that expression is very condescending.

        2. Despachito*

          I think that I’d probably do the same as you did with your cousin (i.e. end contact with her) over such an incident.

          In this case:

          – I think your cousin was wrong to expect you to ask Joe about when was he going to leave. She told you to tell him you were leaving in 5 minutes, you did that and had no reason to assume she wanted anything else
          – I think your cousin was VERY wrong when arguing with you about that, and people like that drive me crazy (from my point of view, she was wrong about a relatively petty thing – which can absolutely happen and is no big deal – but then she tried to make it somehow your fault, and this is what would bother me most).

          From how you describe her (hissy fits etc.) I’d say – good riddance! Life is much more enjoyable without toxic people.

        3. Tali*

          I would suggest you look into things like Ask vs Guess culture, autism spectrum/other kinds of neurodivergence related to information processing.

          “Let me think about it” is usually a soft no, same with women saying they don’t want to date with you as you stated at the top of the thread. I think this is usually understood by most people.

          Your second example is more complex… I can see many people waiting for Joe to indicate understanding or tell you when he would be ready to go. “We’re leaving in 5 minutes” could be a warning, as in “this is advance warning of a hard deadline and we will leave without you”, or a firm push to move things along, as in “we feel strongly about leaving soon but we won’t leave without you.” How hard or soft this deadline is can vary culturally and by person, so I can see why you may not have known how to respond.

      2. Heffalump*

        I took a quick online test for NLD, and I don’t think I have it, but it was interesting. I’d never heard of it.

    16. Despachito*

      Whatever your misunderstanding may be about, I think people around you are wrong in the sense they get ANGRY at you, and from that I infer that it might be more a THEM problem than YOU problem.

      It happened to me a few times when I was younger, and I recognize that I was less receptive to nonverbal cues than I am now. I might also have some form of Asperger’s (never diagnosed but I recognize myself quite often when symptoms are described). But I was always good-intentioned, and if someone got angry at me for something I presumably did but did not tell me why, I was devastated (because I thought that if I had no idea what I did wrong and the person is terribly cross with me it had to be something awful, and that I horribly messed up, but did not know why).

      Later on, I understood that a lot of those people who go “I am angry with you and you should know why” are just manipulators and they are absolutely not worth my time or effort. Life is too short to play stupid games. I am more than willing to do things differently if I am asked to and explained why, but if the person annoyed does not want to do that, it is their own problem and not mine.

    17. Morning reader*

      Much too late here but I have a funny “family story” example. My mother once asked me to bring her a refill of her iced tea, saying “fill it up until it covers the ice.” (Meaning, apparently obviously, to the level the ice is at now.) I brought it back to her filled to the brim and sloshing over, saying, “sorry, I couldn’t get it to cover the ice,” because the ice kept rising as I poured. We laughed about it because it was so typical of her, and of me. It made us both more careful about phrasing things in the future, and many jokes about “make sure it covers the ice, ha ha!” A family meme of sorts.

  53. Daisy Gamgee*

    Sorry, these weekend threads are no politics (in part because I don’t want to have to moderate them!).

  54. The Other Dawn*

    Does anyone here use TSA PreCheck? Is it worth it in terms of time saved? How long did it take to get approved and get your KTN?

    I’m considering getting TSA PreCheck for an upcoming trip to Las Vegas. I’m not bothered by security lines at my home airport (Hartford, CT) since it’s on the smaller side and most people tend to fly out of JFK or LGA in NY. But the security lines at the Las Vegas airport are usually very long and it takes a while to get through. I usually have a small laptop (Surface) with me in my carry-on and my purse. The only thing I usually have to remove is my shoes since I don’t use belts or carry a separate wallet. My husband has the shoes, belt, flashlight, keys, wallet, change, etc., so he has a lot to unload. PreCheck would save him time, and we’d both save time by using the PreCheck line.

    We fly out on February 19. Based on the TSA website, it seems like I should be able to apply, get fingerprinted, and then approved and get my KTN in plenty of time, but as we all know, things are taking much longer these last couple years.

    1. mreasy*

      TSA Precheck is THE BEST. It’s $85 or something for 5 years, and as someone who travels a reasonable amount, it is a massive time saver – and not having to remove shoes, toiletries, laptop, half your top clothing layers, etc, makes traveling feel less of a hassle. (Re your husband, you do have to have empty pockets – so wallet & everything still have to go in a bag). Recommended if you plan to fly even just once a year. I can’t advise on how long it will take as I’m in NYC and so it took a couple of weeks to get an appointment, but after my approval it was quick. Also – if one of you is a traveler and one isn’t – often if you are Precheck and book both tickets, it will be applied to both travelers. If you get Precheck after you’ve already booked, you’ll need to call the airline to associate your KTN as it’s generally added during the flight booking process. Good luck!

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        The precheck-applies-to-all-in-party thing worked really reliably for us for a couple of years (I have precheck and I would book the tickets as a party), and then when we had to travel a bunch this fall it no longer worked.

        I couldn’t argue that it was absolutely logical to do it the old way, but man do I miss it.

    2. Choggy*

      My husband and I have TSA and it’s worth it for the $85 (for 5 years), we did this in 2021. It did take a few tries to get an appointment to complete the in-person process but again well worth the effort. Hubby and I always hated having to struggle with our stuff in the security line, take off our shoes, make sure not to forget anything, and now we don’t!

    3. Atheist Nun*

      I recommend paying $15 extra for Global Entry ($100 total). PreCheck is for domestic flights only. If there is any possibility that you might take an international flight in the next 5 years, this upgrade is worth it. I have used Global Entry for 4 years, and it has been totally worth it.

      1. peasblossom*

        Seconded! Precheck is great; well worth it if you’re even a somewhat regular flyer. It saves an enormous amount of time and stress (and has really been useful a couple of times in packed airports), and I love not having to do little things like take off my shoes and go through the body scanner. Global entry is even better.

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          The time mine was most useful was when there was a huge traffic backup getting to the airport. And I knew that the security would be quick, so I should still just make my flight.

          Having the security wait be an unknown factor makes any other substantial delay much more stressful.

      2. mreasy*

        I tried to get Global Entry last time but…45 decided to punish my state for treating undocumented immigrants like humans. Went with a precheck renewal but definitely recommend GE based on friends who have it.

      3. Eden*

        Precheck isn’t domestic only in that you can only use it flying domestic, you can always use it for going through TSA. Global Entry is for speeding up immigration & customs, though it does usually include precheck as well.

        I’d say to get global entry if you think you will fly internationally at least twice. With just once, you wouldn’t be saving any time when you factor in having to do the interview. All the immigration lines I’ve seen have been pretty short this year, they’d need to be really long that a drive somewhere for sn interview would be faster. With twice, you can do entry on arrival once and have it ready for the next.

        1. fposte*

          Thank you for the reminder on this! I’m starting to think about at least one international trip and I’d meant to apply in the before times but hadn’t thought about it since.

          Your eligibility lasts for five years, so heaven knows what the lines will be like after this year.

      4. Just a name*

        Absolutely. Saves time in the US with precheck, but even more going through customs and immigration. Just renewed last year and it only took about 2 weeks.

      5. Texan In Exile*

        Best $100 I have ever spent.

        I was with a co-worker returning home from Seattle. He flew all the time, but did not have GE. He got in the regular line. I got in pre-check. It took me three minutes. It took him 30.

    4. cat socks*

      Definitely worth it. At my airport, I get through the precheck line a lot faster than regular security. Also you don’t have to mess with taking off your shoes and pulling out your liquids bag.

    5. Falling Diphthong*

      I have TSA precheck and really like it. Not taking off shoes and unloading my laptop makes security easier. I’m normally flying out of Boston, where the separate line is easy to spot. Which I mention because I have been to airports where it’s hard to find (Denver is particularly notorious) or where it didn’t save time because the regular line also zipped through. (Spouse and son don’t have it, so we could easily compare on trips.)

      It was easy to get–I wanted to kill some time at an airport (so I would pick up the rental car just after the time I wanted to return it, rather than just before) and there was no line and I’m sure I had the # before I needed to travel again. But this same technique has never once worked for my husband, who flies more than I do, but not on midday flights.

    6. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      My airport is cake to get through, but I specifically got PreCheck several years ago because Orlando and Vegas airports (which are two of my favorite vacation spots) are both giant pains in the butt to get through without it. My husband has PreCheck and usually still takes off his boots, because he insists on flying in steel-toes, but at least they’re just pull-on and not laced. I just whiz right through :P

    7. Glomarization, Esq.*

      I travel frequently between the U.S. and Canada and I have not signed up for NEXUS or Pre-Check. This is because I do not want to submit my fingerprints for a background check. Everybody’s mileage will vary on that, of course, but I prefer to keep my data out of that particular system for as long as possible. As it is, I’m irritated that they do facial recognition upon re-entry to the U.S.

      Myself, I don’t mind having to “unload” at the security checkpoint. Certainly there’s usually plenty of time to prepare, whether at home while packing or in the line, to organize myself and stow my belt, watch, and other items in my carry-on before I go through the sensors. But, again, everybody’s mileage will vary — exchanging my biometrics for a quicker trip through security isn’t a bargain I’m personally interested in.

      1. Dino*

        Agreed. I hate that they make a problem, then sell you the solution in exchange for things they’d usually need probably cause for. Shudder.

        1. mreasy*

          I agree on the concept and the philosophy being something I’m against! But to me, it’s the least of my late stage capitalism worries, and a I fly at least once a month for work. Totally get why you wouldn’t want to though.

      2. The Other Dawn*

        I know some people don’t like it, but none of that phases me. My husband is in building security for an aerospace company, which means a DOD clearance. So he has to undergo fingerprinting, thorough background check, polygraph, etc., every five years.

      3. Texan In Exile*

        My prints were already in the system, but I agree with you on the facial recognition. I was muttering “Police state!” to myself when we encountered the facial recognition in Schipol. I thought I was being quiet, but my husband kept telling me, “Be quiet! We want to get through this line, not cause trouble!”

      4. Just a name*

        Well, for me, the authorities have had my fingerprints for decades. They took them for the bar exam in the late ‘80’s, then again for my security clearance when I started working for the gov’t in 2000. So the GE application was nothing in comparison. However I am highly leery of DNA testing, unless Henry Louis Gates is doing it. :)

    8. Sandra Dee*

      I agree it is totally worth it. I had to wait a couple weeks for my appointment. I have my KPN within 24 hours (I live an extremely boring life). They say it could take a week or longer. I have recently had surgery on my ankle, and not having to stand in longer lines, remove shoes, etc is worth the $85.

    9. acmx*

      Feb 19 is close so I’d apply today if you decide. I have Global Entry so the process for it maybe longer than Pre Check.

      Suggest your husband place his keys, flashlight (??) and wallet in his carryon while in the security line prior to the cray belt. He will need to remove all of that for PreCheck. Precheck let’s you keep your shoes on, toiletries and electronics packed.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        “flashlight (??)”

        Haha, yeah. He always has a small mini flashlight everywhere he goes. He works in building security for an aerospace company so he needs it on the job. And that just carried over to always carrying it. It definitely comes in handy. I think this time I’ll have him put all his pocket-type stuff in the carry-on.

        1. acmx*

          Ah!
          (sorry for all the typos before).

          If you don’t fly frequently and don’t plan on it, I’d skip it. You can check TSA wait times before you get to LAS and adjust your timeline that way.

          As much as TSA frustrates me, I think you’re able to get through the line and to your gate in time to board even when it’s busy more often than not. It’s just less time waiting at the gate. I’d say minimum of 1 hour prior to boarding time be in line. Assuming no checked bags. If checked bags, I have no advice :)

    10. photon*

      In my experience, TSA PreCheck makes no difference 90% of the time… but that 10% can make a HUGE difference. Like “several hours in line” difference.

      Some credit cards pay for TSA PreCheck as a benefit – if you may want to double-check yours!

    11. Decidedly Me*

      I have Nexus, which includes Global Entry and Precheck, and it’s awesome. Nexus is (was?) cheaper than the others and we haven’t had much occasion to use that part, but GE and Precheck have been super useful. The process is a bit different I think, but I don’t recall it taking all that long.

    12. OtterB*

      I just renewed TSA Pre. I find it well worthwhile. Sometimes the line is shorter, sometimes I have to walk down to a different checkpoint to have a TSA Pre line. (I fly most often out of BWI) It is still worth it to me to not have to take my shoes off, take liquids out of carryon, etc. I am often traveling with my young adult daughter with intellectual disabilities. She’s a good traveler and believes in following the rules, but she moves slowly, and trying to get both of us through the checkpoint without holding up the line too much can be a challenge.

      I haven’t made an international trip by air for 10 years or so, so haven’t bothered with Global Entry.

    13. dear liza dear liza*

      I love TSA Precheck (and Global Entry). The online enrollment is nearly instantaneous BUT you have to find an available interview time slot for the finger printing, and those can take a while to schedule depending on airports near you.

      I will say TSA Precheck works so well that when it doesn’t, it’s memorable. So things to know 1) it’s not uncommon at smaller airports/understaffed airports to have a single TSA agent handling both the Precheck and regular lines, and one x-ray machine afterwards. Usually the Precheck line is a bit shorter and it’s nice not to have to take your shoes etc off, but it’s not a huge time saver like normal. 2) for “security reasons “, sometimes you won’t get pre-check. Lucky you have been chosen to be spot checked! Get back in the regular line! Only happened to me once, but there it is. 3) Some airports are so full of precheckers that the TSA precheck line is LONGER than the non-precheck. Looking at you, EWR and JFK.

  55. Dwight Schrute*

    Anyone here have experience showing their dogs? I have my first show next week with my 7 mo puppy and I’m so nervous about it!

    1. Generic Name*

      Fun!! Tell us how it goes. I’ve been wanting to get my pup involved in agility training, but pandemic and life keeps happening…

    2. Pam Adams*

      Yes- I spent a lot of time in my youth being a dog show person- both breed and obedience.

      Smile, and remember the liver treats!

  56. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

    Experiences with dinner boxes? HelloFresh and the like?

    I just tried Dinnerly after I got a coupon code and it’s been an absolute nightmare, such a mess that they refunded what I DID pay a few days ago, and the box just showed up last night (at 11pm, so nobody knew it was out there until I found it at 9am this morning) and it had gone so bad that I could smell the rotten food through the box without even opening it. It’s been no higher than 21 degrees F outside since they dropped it off, so I’m pretty sure it was gone bad before it even got here, and they use a local delivery partner to assemble and deliver, it wasn’t FedEx or UPS that might’ve had an expected delay.

    1. Dark Macadamia*

      I used HelloFresh for about a year and really liked it. I eventually canceled because I got to a point where I felt like I had done all the recipes that appealed to me and they weren’t adding many new ones. I like that the recipes are easy to replicate with regular groceries – the only unusual ingredients tend to be their spice blends but you can find info about it online to make your own, or just sub something similar. I think there was one box out of maybe 15-20 where an ingredient was missing, but they credited a refund to my account right away, and one box where they subbed a recipe (I ordered mushroom something-or-other and they sent zucchini something-or-other without explanation). One time they sent the wrong recipe card for one of my meals but correct ingredients, but all their recipes are available online.

      I’ve also done OnePotato, which is intended as a family-friendly option and has more choices for serving size. The food was good but I wouldn’t recommend it overall. They had very weird ingredient ratios, like I’d order the 3-serving box and one day we have tiny portions barely enough for two people, then the next there’s so much we can’t get through all the leftovers. The most annoying thing was that they didn’t include measurements in their recipes, so you can’t really make it again unless you weigh everything and write it down before cooking the box ingredients – and even then it wouldn’t help you because they didn’t always send the correct amount! One recipe called for 2 slices of eggplant, but they sent a whole eggplant’s worth of slices (yes, pre-sliced and shrink-wrapped). But then with another ingredient for the same recipe I would run out.

    2. the cat's ass*

      I’ve used Blue Apron on and off for years with mostly positive experiences. I’ve enjoyed a lot of the meals. My DH has used a number of the boxes to learn to cook to a recipe and that’s been great for him (and me, after doing the vast majority of the cooking for decades). They also have a (rather pricey) option of pre-made meals that you zap in the microwave that aren’t bad if you have one of those evenings where you just can’t. Portions are good. Ingredients are top-quality. I’ve squabbled with them a few times about late deliveries/not putting the box inside my fence as it had been stolen a few times-i got refunded.

    3. GoryDetails*

      Sorry you had such an awful experience! I used HelloFresh for some time, with my experiences pretty similar to those of Dark Macadamia; I really liked the kits but did find them a bit same-y after a while, and my favorite recipes were easy enough to replicate with my own supplies. But I might re-up with them in future, to see what’s new. (I did have a small run of missing-ingredient issues, but the company was always very prompt to adjust for them.)

      I tried SunBasket briefly and wasn’t keen on it – they didn’t batch the ingredients by recipe so I had a little more work to do to sort through the box and make sure everything was accounted for, and I didn’t find the recipes as interesting as the Hello Fresh ones.

      And a couple of years back I tried Blue Apron, which had some tantalizing and unusual ingredients; at the time it didn’t fit my budget but looking at it now it seems competitive. FWIW.

      Oh, and in the not-quite-a-kit category: I got a couple of eat2explore kits. They’re meant as educational kits for kids and their parents to work on together, themed by different countries and including recipes for three different meals in each kit. The kits include pantry staples like dried mung beans and packets of spices, and shopping lists for everything else, with options to switch out proteins. I’ve enjoyed playing with those and may get more, but they’re not the easy-convenient type of meal kits; the South Korean ones involved several days of advance preparation for one dish (that was for the kimchi). But they’re fun – and they include little pins with the flags of the specific countries, a nice touch. [I don’t have kids. I just like kits.]

    4. Alexis Rosay*

      My sister has been using Sun Basket for years, and she loves it. Her normal impulse is not to cook and she would probably eat out every meal otherwise (she can afford it), but Sun Basket makes it easy and enjoyable for her to cook.

    5. suggestion*

      I’ve been using Hello Fresh for a few months. The recipes are easy to follow, even the more advanced ones. Great selection. And I love not having to meal plan or think about dinner three nights a week. Sometimes I upgrade proteins, but mostly I just stick with what they send.

      There’s less packaging than with other brands. I’ve had no issues with shipping. There’s great variety and my husband has raved about all the meals (to be fair, he raves when I cook in general) mainly because it’s teaching us what portions for two people look like. And it’s honestly cheaper than trying to buy groceries at this point with protein costs rising as fast as they are.

      You do use quite a bit of your own olive oil with Hello Fresh and a lot of the meals involve sour cream (we just do the original plan but they do have dietary restricted plans, too) and onion (I usually halve the onion amount).

    6. Lifelong student*

      I tried Hello Fresh but didn’t think it was worth it. By comparison, I track our grocery store purchases. For the past two years our average daily grocery bill was 12.26 and 10.95- and that includes non-food items such as paper products and cleaning supplies. I’m not paying prices like those services charge for one meal- and still have to cook and clean up! There are two adults in this household.

    7. Pam Adams*

      I’m an okay cook, so haven’t found the meal kits to be particularly useful. I do like the prepared meal options from SunBasket and Freshly- they are easy to take to work or warm up as a quick meal.

    8. HamlindigoBlue*

      I’ve used Blue Apron, Hello Fresh, and Hungryroot. I tried Blue Apron right when they first started, and I was really impressed with the recipes and quality of the ingredients. I only stopped because it was expensive, and I didn’t feel like it was as useful in the summer months. I tried it again a few years later, and I noticed the quality had changed. The boxes didn’t arrive as cold, so some ingredients weren’t as fresh. They also forgot to include a few ingredients. Almost every box was missing something. So, I cancelled it again.

      Hello Fresh was OK. I didn’t really like that it was mostly skillet type meals where everything gets mixed together. It was easy, for sure, but it wasn’t my preference.

      I just tried Hungryroot, and I think this one is my favorite. I use it as a grocery supplement instead of as a true meal prep. I sign up for one full dinner kit and then some random grocery items.

    9. I need coffee before I can make coffee*

      Currently doing Hello Fresh because I got a promotional deal for 5 boxes. It’s been good and fun to do, but I’m going to cancel once my deal is up; I don’t think it will be worth it at full price. I am hoping that they’ll offer me another promotional deal when I cancel.
      Deliveries have been fine. The box has an insulated liner with 2 ice packs in the bottom. They put the produce in paper bags, and the meat is packed between the 2 ice packs so there has been no issue so far.

    10. SG*

      I tried HelloFresh because of a promo, but the promo discount is graduated so that it decreases each time, so it was a great deal for one week and then quickly increased to where it didn’t feel worth the money, so I canceled it after two orders.
      The food quality and recipes were good and I could see it giving me some ideas on how to combine ingredients in new ways, but I was extremely put off by the lack of whole grains, and the limited number of vegetarian options (6 or 7 per week out of 25 recipes total), and boy do they use a lot of zucchini! But I was disappointed that they never use brown rice or whole grains — lots of white rice, white pasta, white bread/pizza crusts. That was a deal breaker for me.

    11. Morning reader*

      I’ve had mostly good experiences with Blue Apron. I think of it as more expensive than shopping and cooking independently, but less than restaurant meals that are about as good. Things I cook myself are usually in the range of edible to decent. The meal kit cooking is usually good to great. They had a promotion to lure me back so it’s not too much right now. It’s great in the winter; I’ll discontinue when my CSA starts up in summer again.

    12. L. Ron Jeremy*

      Just used Lazy Dog for there frozen meal delivery and their entrees are tasty and filling. Six for $50 is such a deal ($8.33/ea) and we split the Chicken Pot Pie for lunch.

    13. Rusty Shackelford*

      Here’s a late reply – I’ve been using HelloFresh for several months. The good: recipes are pretty tasty, delivery is convenient, and most importantly, the instructions are detailed enough that my non-cook husband is actually learning to cook.

      The bad:

      Despite the name, my vegetables tend to not be very fresh. Carrots, in particular, are sometimes old enough that they can bend. I have much better luck with Walmart produce (and, in fact, keep a bag of Walmart carrots on hand for when my Hello Fresh carrots are unusable).

      Portion size, for the sides, is sometimes very small. For example, back to the carrots, once we received two carrots as our side. Not huge carrots, just small-to-normal sized carrots. This hasn’t been as much of an issue lately.

      We do get missing or incorrect ingredients at least once a month.

      Several recipes use weird ingredients as shortcuts, like cream cheese to thicken a sauce that wouldn’t normally contain cream cheese.

      If you don’t select the items for your box, they will be selected by default. Which is fine, but lately we’ve been getting vegetarian meals as the default. And yet, if I want to add a protein to a vegetarian meal, there’s an upcharge, which makes me feel like I’m overpaying if I subscribe to a meat box and get a vegetarian meal.

      Often the meat is only flavored with salt/pepper and then a separate sauce. My husband doesn’t like much sauce, so he gets a lot of barely-flavored meat unless we add something on our own.

      We’re sticking with it for now because of the whole learning to cook thing – this has been a huge benefit for me. But I’m at a point where I want to explore other options.

  57. Albeira Dawn*

    Is anyone a member of a local makerspace? I’m thinking about joining one in my city to get access to their tools and also to have somewhere to work, since I live in a studio apartment.

    1. Texan In Exile*

      I was involved in a Milwaukee Makerspace project last year and visited the site a few times. It was very cool! They have all kinds of equipment, from sewing machines and dressmaker dummies to drill presses.

      I didn’t see that the space they were in (they have moved) would have lent itself to working, though. There were some desks and sofas, but nowhere private where you could easily have a call, for instance.

    2. Odge*

      Yes! I’m part of one and I really like it. They have plenty of tools and machines, but the best part has been the community. See if you can tour it and/or speak to members before joining, that should help you evaluate whether it would be good for how you want to use it.

      It might be good for working at or it might not. A makerspace I went to in the past might have been good for office-style coworking, they had desk areas that were always neat and not a lot of loud machinery running. My current makerspace, though, wouldn’t be great for it unless you rented a studio, which costs much more than a basic membership. There’s also internet security to consider on a public network.

  58. the cat's ass*

    Has anyone had to get a passport recently? My DD has expired and I was wondering how long it’s taking these days. We are in the US. Thank you!

    2. Alaska_Blue*

      Yes-ish. Mine was due to expire Nov 2021. Knew I wasn’t traveling anywhere before that. I think I sent it in in May, and had it back by early July, which was faster than I expected. But as I said, no rush, so didn’t pay for faster service or anything.

    3. Falling Diphthong*

      Topline: Wait time is more state/regional than national.

      Details: My kids reapplied at the same time, in different states. Both opted for the standard wait (4-6 weeks?), which should have been fine. Youngest’s got here in just over a week. Oldest’s kept getting delayed, to the point where she really wished she’d paid the expedited fee because she didn’t know if she’d have to delay her travel to Europe for the summer research fellowship. I think it showed up after about 8-9 weeks.

    4. HamlindigoBlue*

      Yes. We went as a family to submit the paperwork on 12/4 and just got the passports on 1/25. We are still waiting for the original birth certificates to be returned. They are supposed to follow the passports in separate mailings.

    5. HamlindigoBlue*

      Nesting fail. Let’s try this again.

      Oh, we are in the Chicago area. Interestingly, our passports were processed in Tucson. My first passport came from New Orleans. The second came from Chicago. All were submitted from the same post office.

    6. ThatGirl*

      I sent mine in in late November fully expecting it to take months. Instead I had my new one in mid January!

    7. KR*

      Spouse applied for one in late November. He had it about 2-3 weeks after he sent in all the paperwork – I think it arrived mid-December. There was a small delay because they rejected his photo. He is already in the security clearance system so that may have sped things up for him.

  59. HamlindigoBlue*

    Oh, we are in the Chicago area. Interestingly, our passports were processed in Tucson. My first passport came from New Orleans. The second came from Chicago. All were submitted from the same post office.

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