weekend open thread – February 12-13, 2022

by Alison Green on February 12, 2022

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand.

Here are the rules for the weekend posts.

Book recommendation of the week: My Italian Bulldozer, by Alexander McCall Smith. A Scottish food writer, reeling from a break-up, heads to Italy to finish his latest book. Mishaps abound (including a problem with his rental car, which leaves him renting a bulldozer instead).

 I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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    2. PhyllisB*

      Yes!! I love his Ladies Detective series so wanted to see how this book would develop. It was hilarious!!

      1. PhyllisB*

        Also, if you like this book be sure to read the follow-up, The Second Worst Restaurant in France. Just as entertaining as the first.

  2. Returning to dating after a very long gap*

    I’m interested in hearing about experiences (good, bad, bananas) with dating sites aimed at niches/subgroups/particular backgrounds. Thinking of trying out online dating for the first time in a LONG while, but repeatedly getting stuck on the question of whether to start with something geared to a category (diet, religion, geekiness, etc.) – there isn’t any one of those things that’s obviously more important than other criteria, but I wonder if it would simplify things.

    1. Lizzie (with the deaf cat)*

      Captain Awkward has some good advice (of course) on this, about being very clear about your specific requirements, and also on how to figure out what really matters to you in a relationship. Good luck!

      1. Salymander*

        Yes, seconding the recommendation of Captain Awkward. There is so much great advice and info in the archives, and the commentariat is really hilarious, supportive, and wise. A lot of the Awkwardeers read and comment on Ask a Manager, too.

          1. Hlao-roo*

            The last year or so, Captain Awkward has closed comments on all posts because of the large time commitment involved with moderation. If you look through the archives, there are comments on most of the older posts. Just scroll down the page and they are at the bottom.

            I think there are also forums that are currently active, but I have never read them so I can’t say for sure.

            2. RagingADHD*

              The forums are not run by, nor technically affiliated with, Captain Awkward. They are a fan-run space.

              And, like all intense fandoms, there is a lot of shit-stirring, rules-lawyering, and nonsense.

              Proceed with caution. Read all the rules first. All of them. There are a lot. Consider that they were created in response to actual situations on the site, and that the users needed that granular of a definition of “don’t be a jerk.” They also have/needed an extensive harrassment policy.

              If you can get through that and still want to participate, go for it.

              1. anonymous radish*

                I agree with this, and sometimes the rules lawyering can go a little too far, defeating the purpose of the rules in the first place. Sigh.

              2. anon for this one*

                I participated there for a while and ended up drifting away. Most of the people there were pretty nice and I’m still friends with someone I met there (who also ended up drifting away). But the need to add a specific rule any time there was an incident that wasn’t covered by the broad “don’t be a jerk” rule left me feeling culturally out of step even though I didn’t run afoul of moderation.

                1. Sunshine's Eschatology*

                  That is a… perhaps harsh but not unfair description of the forums. On the upside, I’d describe it as a very supportive and conscientious community. That kind of strict legislating you are describing works for much of that community, so great for them! But I also ended up drifting away due to cultural out-of-step-ness. Funny but maybe not unexpected that others here have had the same experience!

                2. anon for this one*

                  Hah, maybe a bit. I do remember the forum fondly and would definitely say no hard feelings on the parting. Personally I’m partial to implicit norms over explicit rules, but when the moderators are trying to balance “don’t be a jerk” with “don’t tone police people when they’re talking about things that directly affects their lives,” I can see why they went the route of adding more rules.

                  There’s a major challenge that comes with trying to maintain a space that functions like a close-knit community where everyone understands and respects everyone else’s needs while also growing to accommodate everyone who wants to be there. That’s a hard balance. If I’m in a private chat group with ~20 people and I ask everyone to thread Game of Thrones spoilers because I’m only now starting to watch the show, that’s not a major ask and everyone is happy to accommodate. But if it’s an open group where anyone can join and everyone who joins can make that kind of request, it will quickly get out of control.

    2. KeinName*

      I would say that is a good idea, from what I heard from friends. I almost wish a had a very specific fetish because apparently these online communities are good for finding long term relationships. So maybe you could choose a niche that attracts a lot of people who are similiar to you in other ways as well. When I was a teenager in 2000 this was a guest book/comment section of the national alternative radio station and people I have met there are still similiar to me 20 years later (i.e. left leaning, interested in education, volunteering, good music…). I have now idea what that could be for me today, so I try with Bumble, which at least has this feminist reputation and is somewhat niche still where I live (though there are also only about 30 users, so…).

      2. Tex*

        Try Hinge. You have to write more, so the time and thought commitment shakes out some f the very casual lookers.

    3. Batgirl*

      I would say that you can cast a wide net while also having specific and detailed wants. You never know where you could meet someone.

    4. Princess Deviant*

      I’ve had better experiences with dating sites geared towards my values (like vegan, or kink, or religious for example – not saying I’m those things, I’m just using them as examples). Shared interests aren’t that important to me, and can be developed anyway, but I’m much more likely to meet someone with similar values on a site that specialises in something, rather than say Plenty of Fish which is generic. Given that a lot of people don’t even fill their profile out fully it gives me something to go on.

    5. Sunflower*

      I think these sites are most effective when those things are dealbreakers vs just interests. You can meet someone on one but I think the reason that people sign up for sites geared towards religions or political affiliations is because it’s such an important thing for them. On the standard apps, you can filter but a lot of these are standard prompts and don’t tell You much about the actual person’s interest. For example, I’m Christian and am indicated as such on my dating profile. I’m not religious at all and don’t care if my partner is but I don’t intend to become deeply into religion. I am not a good match for someone who wants a partner that follows ‘good Christian values’ or goes to church every week.

    6. Mama Sarah*

      Have you listened to the Deeper Dating podcasts? There is also a website with the same name. Ken Page speaks so eloquently about online dating. Not sure the site or app you use matters as much as having boundaries and taking the time to be clear on you what you truly want in a partner.
      Don’t forget the three C’s!

    7. Bluey Christine Heeler*

      I chose an app based on region because it’s a dealbreaker for me. The app touts itself as a site for people who are seeking marriage, but many of the men I encountered were only interested in hookups/casual dating.

    8. Violet*

      I met my partner of two years on a mindful dating site. We are both practicing Buddhists, but the site was for people pursuing a variety of forms of spirituality. I literally took a online dating break and never heard anything for three years from the site after signing up. Then an email from him and the rest . . . is history, future, etc. :-)

      I don’t know if I’d recommend it now because I’m not sure how secure information is on the site. But I tried different niche sites. And we are really compatible about things that matter (I’m not super devout, either).

      My advice about online dating in general, take your breaks to not become bitter. But never give up. :-)

  3. Blue Eagle*

    READING THREAD
    What is everyone reading this week? I’m a little over halfway through “Say Nothing” by Patrick Raden O’Keefe, a historical account of the Troubles in Northern Ireland (this book was actually recommended by Stephanie in this Saturday forum over a year ago and I finally cleared the library waitlist).
    It’s a fascinating recount of a terrible time in history. O’Keefe does a great job of telling the history in stories that keeps you engaged. I highly recommend it.

    1. Jackalope*

      I’m trying to get myself to read Gutenberg’s Apprentice. Has anyone else read it? I’ve started it because we’re discussing it in my book group on Sunday and I’m doing my best but I made it a little ways in and it wasn’t working for me. Any feedback? People who liked it or didn’t?

    2. Jamie Starr*

      “Music is History” by Questlove. Starting with 1971 and going to the present, he focuses on hidden connections between songs, politics, culture, etc. and also inserts his own memories as a music fan. I’m at 1977 and I’m not sure if I like it yet or not. The subject matter is interesting, but he packs so many trivia bits and obscure connections that it’s a bit hard to follow. The writing style is also a little too casual for me. It reminds me of his podcast — sort of rambling and kind of lacking focus.

      1. Patty Mayonnaise*

        I know you aren’t sure about it but it’s the kind of book my husband would like, so thank you for sharing it!

    4. Sue*

      Just finished Crying in H Mart, recommend. Also doing Tara French books. I’m a big Louise Penny and Ann Cleeves fan so also enjoying these. Also highly recommend Facing The Mountain by the author of Boys in the Boat (great book). It is nonfiction account of Japanese Americans during WW2 both internment and military service. A compelling read.

    7. The Prettiest Curse*

      I would also recommend Say Nothing.
      I am just finishing Free: Coming of Age at the End of History by Lea Ypi. It’s a really fascinating memoir of growing up in Albania at the end of the communist regime, which fell in 1990. And for anyone interested in book cover design, it’s an interesting exercise to compare the US and UK hardback edition covers of this book. Interestingly enough, both covers only make complete sense if you’ve read the book.

    8. Richard Hershberger*

      I usually have two books going: one heavy and one light.

      My current heavy book is The Ransom of the Soul: Afterlife and Wealth in Early Western Christianity by Peter Brown, who is the go-to guy for Christianity in Late Antiquity and the Early Middle Ages. This book is about the evolution of Christian beliefs about the afterlife up to the seventh century. Those of us raised in one or another version of the church absorbed teachings on the subject, but these are heavily culturally determined, pretty much no modern version dating back to the early church.

      My light book is on hold. I recently blew through the first two Quilifer books by Walter Jon Williams. The third one will magically appear on my Kindle in three days.

    10. ecnaseener*

      I’m almost done with How to Be Perfect by Mike Schur (creator of The Good Place) – it’s an overview of different schools of thought in moral philosophy and how they map onto ethical choices we make….my description sounds boring, but it’s the same funny-yet-heartfelt tone that made TGP so effective.

      I’m loving it, I wish it were longer! This coming from someone who’s been in a reading slump.

      2. LemonLyman*

        I have this on my Libby holds along with the audiobook. He has a bunch of actors he worked with on The Good Place (and I’m sure some others he’s worked with, as well) help with the audio so it should be fun! I’m guessing a of like listening to a podcast?

        He’s a smart and funny writer so I am excited to read/listen to it!

        1. ecnaseener*

          I haven’t heard the audiobook, but even with the paper book I keep hearing it in the characters’ voices!

    11. Aneurin*

      Robin Wall Kimmerer’s Braiding Sweetgrass: Indigenous Wisdom, Scientific Knowledge and the Teachings of Plants, which I’m absolutely loving (as I suspected I would, as a one-time biologist-in-training). It’s beautifully, poetically, and accessibly written and a good book to dip in and out of. Highly recommended for enjoyers of Barbara Kingsolver’s Animal, Vegetable, Miracle.

    12. Atheist Nun*

      I just finished Joan Is Okay by Weike Wang. I thought it was great, which I expected because I also liked Chemistry. That being said, I found it difficult to read about the beginning of the COVID-19 pandemic. Joan is an ICU physician in NY, and the book’s time period is November 2019-March 2020. I work (non clinical) in a hospital in NY, and I realized that I am not yet ready to read about that time, even in a fictional setting. This book has broader themes, and it was the concept of being an immigrant woman living alone which really appealed to me because I relate to that experience too. I recommend this book, just be aware in case you are sensitive to the traumas of the early pandemic period.

    13. PhyllisB*

      Right now I’m reading No Way Out by Fern Michaels, and it’s okay. Right before I read The Bookseller’s Secret which was about Kate Mitford.

    14. AY*

      Patrick Radden Keefe is so great! I enjoyed Say Nothing so much that I picked up Empire of Pain even though the subject matter did not interest me. It ended up being my favorite book of last year!

      I finished Isabel Allende’s The House of the Spirits this week and can’t say enough good things about it. Currently reading Kathryn Schulz’s Lost & Found. It’s a memoir, which I don’t love as a genre, but I love her. You might recognize her from her piece about the next big earthquake on the West Coast that won a Pulitzer a few years ago.

    15. It’s all good*

      The Good Son by Jacquiline Mitchard. I enjoy family drama especially if it has to do with ethics and morals. So far so good

    16. GoryDetails*

      Can’t remember if I mentioned this one before, but I’ve finished it and really loved it:

      THE READERS’ ROOM by Antoine Laurain – a mix of murder-mystery, personal-ghosts, and very entertaining looks at the publishing industry from the viewpoint of the readers who wade through the heaps of submitted manuscripts hoping for that rare gem, a new talent.

      THE THIN PLACE by C. D. Major – a multi-viewpoint tale, unfolding in three different times (the 1920s, 1940s, and present day), in which a modern-day TV journalist finds herself obsessed with a mysterious old house – and the nearby bridge, from which dogs apparently hurl themselves to their deaths. (This is based on a real-world location, though the author does take liberties.) I did have trouble warming to the characters, but the story weaves together in interesting ways.

      BEHIND THE MASK: an anthology of SF stories themed on superheroes and supervillains, with some very inventive variations – there are very dark tales, very touching ones, some that are flat-out hilarious… great fun!

    18. Overeducated*

      I’m in the middle of The House in the Cerulean Sea (based on how much people love it here!), How Long till Black Futures Month, and Chocolate City. But not much progress because all I want to do is binge watch Cheer Season 2….

    19. Teapot Translator*

      This week I read “A Desolation Called Peace” by Arkady Martine and “The House in the Cerulean Sea” by TJ Klune. It was a good week!

    20. My Brain Is Exploding*

      I am in the middle of reading the biography of Malcolm X. It’s fascinating. (I have just reached the point where he is in prison and copying pages from the dictionary to improve his handwriting and vocabulary.)

      1. PhyllisB*

        OT, but this reminds me of when my son was about 9 or 10. I came out in the den and he and two of his friends were intently looking at the dictionary. I said, “What’s up, guys?” I was told, “We’re looking up cuss words!!” I walked away thinking, “well, at least they’re learning how to use a dictionary!!”

    21. E. Chauvelin*

      I am midway through Malice by Heather Walker, a queer dark fantasy reimagining of Sleeping Beauty, and it’s very good. I’m already looking forward to the second book this spring.

    22. Veronica Mars*

      I’m about 3/4 of the way through The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue by VE Schwab, a Christmas gift. It’s about a woman who makes a deal with a devil–she can live forever but without anyone remembering who she is after she is out of their sight, and without being able to make a mark on the world. I’m really enjoying it so far.

    23. Radical Edward*

      I’m on the third book in the Greenwing & Dart series by Victoria Goddard – ‘Whiskeyjack’. She has several different series and stand-alone novels/novellas set in the same universe, but they differ in tone and style. Greenwing & Dart has a very ‘Connie Willis meets British detective series’ feel that makes for some hilarious climaxes.

      I finally caved and started reading the series after my second read-through of ‘The Hands of the Emperor’ (my new favorite book as of last summer). I’m now thoroughly hooked on the entire universe and dread running out of new stories to read! The word building is fascinating, very subtle and ‘show don’t tell’ – one of the things I’ve enjoyed the most about these books is how there’s almost no exposition or explanatory passages. The reader uncovers little details and tantalizing hints about How Things Work as characters encounter or refer to them in passing, or as they become necessary to the action. It’s a very effective approach that always leaves me dying to know more.

      1. Elsie*

        Goddard sounds like my cup of tea! Trying Stargazy Pie now.
        I am so grateful to the readers who introduced me to Naomi Novik’s A Deadly Education- such a character, longing for Book 3 in September.

    25. Anon and alone*

      I’m reading “Soldier Dogs: The Untold Story Of America’s Canine Heroes” by Maria Goodavage and when I finish that I have her other book “Top Dog: The Story Of Marine Hero Lucca”. Libraries, you gotta love them.

    26. Jay*

      Just finished The Last Castle by Denise Keiran about the Biltmore in Asheville, NC. We toured the Biltmore last month while we were visiting and our local friends recommended the book. It was – OK. I wasn’t thrilled. The first two-thirds were much better; the last part felt perfunctory.

      Current audio book is The Wistera Society of Lady Scoundrels which I downloaded on the recommendation of someone here. Absolutely loving it. The narrator is great and her very prim English voice adds to the absurdity of the experience. Highly recommend.

      About to start Kickback, one of the post-mortem Spenser books written by Ace Atkins. I have a plane ride coming up and that’s about what I feel capable of.

    27. University Schlep*

      This week I finished The Kill Club, The Husbands and Admission (as someone who works in a University that admits a far higher % of applicants, I found the admissions mindset quite different)

      I have about 6 different places where I get book recommendations and I just add them all to my overdrive wish list at the library and then checkout whatever is available when I need something, yet I am very frustrated right now because yesterday a coworker told me about a book and I lost the name. Because apparently having 120 books on the wishlist isn’t enough and having to wait until Monday to ask about the book again is too long.

    29. Elizabeth West*

      All reading is on hold at the moment. In my brain, I’m running around like Kevin in Home Alone. Although, maybe reading would calm me down a bit. Worth a try, anyway!

    30. beentheredonethat*

      I decided to reread the Cadfael Chronicles by Ellis Peters Set during the 1100’s contest for the crown of England between King Stephen and Empress Maud…. She contrasts people trying to live their lives and survive when the war lands in their town. I am fascinated that London chased her out so she couldn’t be crowned. Sadly I only have 12 out of 20. To buy or not to buy a book I have already read….. sigh

    31. Rekha3.14*

      I’ve several on the go, but I’m really loving the humour in Talking to Canadians, Rick Mercer’s memoir. It’s hilarious and makes me giggle, and the humour doesn’t feel forced (IMHO), it flows well, and gives me a glimpse into a part of Canada I am not familiar with. I’m only ~20% done but it shouldn’t take me long to finish.

    32. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Just reread the 2-before-last Dresden Files books so I could plow through Battle Ground. And I’m antsy waiting for my other half to catch up so I can discuss [spoilers].

      1. FalafalBella*

        Her Hidden Genius by Marie Benedict. Fascinating read about the life of scientist Rosalind Franklin and her discovery of the helix shape DNA (this discovery was ‘appropriated’ by James Watson, without credit to Franklin, later leading to a Nobel Prize for Watson, along with Crick and Wilkins)

    33. I take tea*

      I’m reading Mother of invention: how good ideas get ignored in an economy built for men by Swedish journalist and author Katrine Marcal. It’s an interesting take on the history of inventions and why it’s problem when the financing is very narrow. It is similar to Invisible Women by Criado Perez (also a very good book!)

      1. Ali + Nino*

        Loved Invisible Women (I mean, it inspired a lot of frustrated rage, but I appreciate that she documented all of this and strung it together so cohesively). Thanks for the rec!

    34. Astoria*

      Audiobook of Shooting Midnight Cowboy: Art, Sex, Loneliness, Liberation and the Making of a Dark Classic. Author: Glenn Frankel. A Libby recommendation.

    36. CatBookMom*

      J. D. Robb’s (aka Nora Roberts) newest Eve Dallas futuristic police procedural, *Abandoned in Death*, dropped on Tuesday, so that was my day, pretty much. Kick-ass female, a bit OCDish, not the best with interpersonal relationships, but has a cadre of good friends & co-workers, regardless. Different universe, so cars able to levitate a few feet, space travel to moonlets around Earth, etc. Doesn’t really affect the police procedural aspects, other than their databases & electronic gadgets are SERIOUSLY better.

    37. Bluebell*

      Just finished the second Finlay Donovan book, but didn’t love it as much as the first. Also zoomed through An Ambush of Widows by Jeff Abbott and thought it was pretty good. Yolk by Mary HK Choi is next up.

  4. Ontariariario*

    Anyone else living in an occupied city?

    It’s unreal. I want to avoid politics in this thread, and am happy to answer questions although will avoid anything potentially identifying.

    1. Jackalope*

      So what is your experience with this? Does it feel threatening? Or just annoying? How much is it interfering with regular life? It sounds like a lot from the vague bits I’ve heard but I’m not sure how.

      1. Ontariariario*

        I live a short walk from the river and I heard them honking and making noise as they came into the city, but other than that my life is pretty normal. I have been working from home for nearly two years, so my little physical part of the world is very small.

        It has been very annoying, as people downtown aren’t sleeping and are being harassed. There are people who say that the convoy is peaceful and isn’t harassing anyone, but the downtown area was very safe to everyone before this and now many people are being harassed to the point where they don’t feel safe leaving their homes.

        It is starting to feel more and more threatening, as the likelihood that this ends peacefully are disappearing. There are now people driving around communities to find schools to yell at young children, which makes one worry about their next tactics.

        1. Generalist*

          We must live quite near each other. I agree with your description and your analysis of the possible outcomes. And I hate it. I wish I thought more of the general population was offended but I’m not sure they are.

          But I also agree that “occupied” isn’t the right term, as I’ve known folks in brutally occupied cities where they are in danger daily of being arrested or shot by the authorities. This is closer to the Jan 6 events in DC, in terms of being a lawless activist group the government opposes (also obviously not a very accurate comparison).

          Anyway, I’m glad to see a near neighbor on AAM though I wish we had realized our proximity for happier traditions.

          “This is a place to stand, and a place to grow.” Wish they had better cause to stand for!

          1. Ontariariario*

            In hindsight I realise that I shouldn’t have used the word occupied without being more clear about what I meant as it makes light of anyone who has lived in a warzone (which I have, and this does feel very different). Maybe in hindsight I shouldn’t have used the word at all, just described the situation. This isn’t an occupation with military or any organised group, yet they have taken up residence in the street and have taken up the downtown. This is more than a brief protest, and the word was meant as a comment on the situation where people have been living in the city for weeks now.

          2. Generalist*

            Autocorrect. *for happier reasons.

            Hope you understood what I meant, and also I totally get what you were trying to convey with your original word choice. Didn’t mean to be negative.

            1. Ontariariario*

              All good! I also regret using the word because the Occupy movement is a thing, and very different.

      2. Ontariariario*

        To add: My paid work is pretty normal, but I do volunteer work that has been overwhelmed with the situation as more people are asking for help and a lot of people are offering help. I really hope that the noise yesterday doesn’t continue, because it will make that part of my life even busier and more stressful.

    2. Deborah*

      I’ve never lived in an occupied city. We lived in Seoul for 7 months in 1985; the north Korean propaganda floated from the sky, the smell of tear gas was detectable in the spring, and although I personally didn’t feel threatened, just the proximity to the DMZ gave one pause. I’m curious about your day-to-day activities. How are they affected by the occupation? What’s the general consensus? Is the occupation as divisive as what we’re seeing in the US? I hope this issue resolves soon; it’s unnecessary and ugly and does no one any favors.

      1. Ontariariario*

        It’s not really divisive. The downtown has drawn the least rational of two nations (it is primarily Canadians, yet there are a lot of people from the US) and everyone wants them gone. They seem to think that they are a majority, and yet they are in a very small minority in this city.

        My day hasn’t really changed, although it is similar to your situation in Korea where I know it is in close proximity and it occupies my mind even if it isn’t a direct threat to me now.

      2. Ontariariario*

        I think many are sleeping in trucks, and they eat food that is bought in grocery stores and cooked communally, and get fuel in large containers from outside the city that is then put into small containers and smuggled in through the streets to refill the trucks.

        There are a few porta-potties, but I’m not sure about sanitation. I have a bad feeling there is going to be a big mess left behind.

    4. KateM*

      Not yet… and back when I was living in an occupied country it had been occupied for so long time that it was the (not even particularly new) reality.

      1. Ontariariario*

        I have also worked in a situation where we were the occupier, although it was by request of the country. I can now appreciate how the locals around us felt!

    5. Another Canadian*

      Not personally living in an occupied city, but I’ve been getting dispatches from those who are, and you have my deepest sympathy. My latest informant (only last night) was most infuriated by the noise levels. Apparently it’s truly atrocious, and most if not all people cannot move away from it, not the least because some of the subsidized apartments for the poor elderly and disabled are not far from the local legislature. And this informant, who can still hear the noise at home, quite a distance away from the legislature, is unwilling to subject herself to it closer up which is keeping her from carrying out activities at a public facility near the demonstrations. If there had been any sympathy with the cause among those I’ve heard from, it’s vanished.

    6. WellRed*

      Oh I wanted all week to ask about this here! I get that it’s not simple to just clear out occupiers but this seems so egregious I’m wondering why residents seems left on their own? Noise? Road blocks? Lack of Permits? Isn’t some of that enforcemeable. I saw pictures this week and some of them look like Canadian cousins of the capitol insurrection wing nuts.

      1. WellRed*

        I hope this question isn’t political. I’ve been resting the Times coverage and find it lacking some context.

      2. Another Canadian*

        I suspect, on no evidence other than instinct and what I have had from the media, that is it political, and that an attempt to move them on using the police would result in the kind of situation that the protesters would make political hay from, probably along the lines of the evil oppressive state getting in the way of their freedoms. Apparently one protester said in an interview with the media, regarding people having to live with this mess, that “sacrifices must be made”. Sacrifices are voluntary, and no one but the protesters volunteered for this.

        1. WellRed*

          I actually just read some more in depth analysis this morning looking at the response from both sides Of the spectrum. Very interesting!

        2. Ontariariario*

          This is my guess too. They talk about freedom, and yet they have taken away any freedom from those who live in the area. Also taken away their sleep. There was silence for a few days, but the noise is back.

          I think the politicians and police would have changed their actions in hindsight by blocking them out of the city, because they now have hundreds of vehicles that are in a huge part of the downtown and refusing to move. Many vehicles have been disabled. This isn’t just a few blocks, this is so big that they can’t really contain it, and I don’t know where they would start clearing it out by force. At this time the police are there to mostly keep an eye on things so it doesn’t get a lot worse (although if they all started a big fight amongst themselves I wouldn’t mind!)

    7. Macaroni Penguin*

      What do you think it would take to resolve this situation peacefully? In brief moments that I’ve been able to contemplate the subject, I’ve thought of a few options.
      1) Protesters are satisfied their message has been heard, and they disburse willingly?
      2) Laws are changed. Protestors get what they want.
      3) Tickets and fines are applied to the point people are annoyed into leaving.
      4) Various law enforcement agencies arrest people and tow blockading vehicles.
      5) Parliament is dissolved and reformed with…..?…….
      6) I’ll wake up in an alternate timeline where None Of This Ever Happened.

      1. Another Canadian*

        1. No. The protesters don’t appear to me to be much interested in merely being heard. They want changes in the public health regulations.
        2. Oddly enough, this protest hit just when most provinces are moving to ease restrictions (each in their own peculiar way) as the next step towards living with COVID like we live with influenza. So the changes they want were coming anyway – maybe they’ll disperse then, to reform when something else comes up, and take credit for something that was happening anyway. I don’t know their strategy.
        3. I suspect there’s a fear of sparking a riot.
        4. Same as 3.
        5. Not gonna happen unless things get far, far worse. It takes more than a civil disobedience on this level to bring down a parliament. Some of their members (I don’t remember if it was an official spokesperson) said something about raising enough money to bring down the government. Maybe – but bloody unlikely; I can’t see any of the major parties taking it. And if, as has been rumoured, funding is coming from the US, that could play very badly politically. No one wants anyone, but particularly anyone from another country, buying their elections.
        6. This is my preferred option.

        1. Ontariariario*

          5. I don’t think a lot of the money is Canadian. The question is how much of it is US, and how much is Russian, but there is a lot of commentary on this point. I’m also hopeful that the funding sites can be sued for the policing money, because I’m ticked off that I’m paying a lot of money for this occupation (in addition to a lot of other grievances).

        2. Macaroni Penguin*

          5. Is mostly a joke. Though I know some protestors want a new government entirely. But its 2022 and I’ve seen too much so…. (awkward laugh).
          I just really want to see a situation where things end peacefully..

      2. Ontariariario*

        3. They have tried and it isn’t working, it is angering them.
        4. They likely don’t have enough police to do this safely. It is huge. Towing companies are also being threatened not to cooperate. Some poor company helped out the convoy folks voluntarily, people around there thought that he was being a problem, and he got attacked online for it. Eventually the organizers got the word out that he was helping them, but it shows that the response to any attempt to remove vehicles will be quick and negative.

        1. Macaroni Penguin*

          Yeah, I certainly don’t have an answer to solve this. Beyond wishing that I didn’t live in this time line. K

        2. Elsie*

          So upsetting. Ottawa is my home town, so glad I don’t live there now. The thing that infuriates me is that this protest is such a small minority, with most of us vaccinated and mask-wearing. The ‘freeedom fighters’ are willing to sacrifice me! (autoimmune, comorbidities, old) in the quest for freedom from public health requirements.

    8. Downtown girl*

      I have lived in two, both in the Middle East, and I now live in Ottawa. While what is happening in my current city sucks hard, but it is not an occupation in the sense of an “occupied city”. When we start having occupying forces knocking on doors, demanding IDs, ransacking peoples’ apartments for contraband, and hauling people away to unknown prisons, detention centres, and areas unknown, then we will have reached an occupation. This is a nasty, stupid, pointless, even dangerous protest, but it’s not an occupation.

      1. Another Canadian*

        That’s a fair comment. “Occupied” is perhaps not quite the right word – but I suppose it’s more catchy, and gets the emotions across, more than “forcibly preventing me from living my life and going around my lawful business”.

        1. Person from the Resume*

          Ah, yes, I was wondering if the original letter writer was living in a war zone? The use of occupied was unclear and vague to me.

      2. Raboot*

        Thank you! When I first read the original comment I definitely thought they were talking about foreign/military occupation and was like, oh wow that must be hell. But from followups I realized they just meant protestors. I’m sure it’s somewhat uncomfortable but very very different…

        1. Calm Water*

          Yes for sure! The two are on VERY different scales. However in Canada over the last 5ish years, maybe more, the word ‘occupy’ has been adopted by protest movements and means to show up, demonstrate or protest. Of course I can’t think of another example right now

          1. WellRed*

            In the US, there are certainly examples of this occupy mindset. I agree occupy sounds catchy but is not the same as an actual occupied region.

          3. Raboot*

            If you mean like “Occupy Wall Street”, I’d argue that “occupied city” isn’t really the righ phrasing to invoke that. In any case OP has acknowledged above that it wasn’t great wording so I’m going to leave this thread alone

      3. Generic Name*

        Yeah, I honestly thought someone was posting this from the Ukraine, and I was concerned the invasion had started but the media wasn’t reporting it for some reason.

      4. Ontariariario*

        Definitely not an occupation, and I was being a bit loose with the term, as it also refers to people living somewhere. And they have moved in for a while. Both physically, as well as in the thoughts and experiences of almost everyone in the city.

    10. Albertinian*

      For three weeks now the truckers have been honking in my downtown, near the legislature building in my province. I live downtown and the noise is frustrating and invasive and just…triggering. my home is supposed to be my safe place, and their noise pollution is upsetting to the point I’ve used earphones for hours and scowled at anyone with a flag when out running errands. I can only imagine what its like in the capital and my heart just aches for everyone wanting their lives and homes back.

  5. Laura H.*

    Little Joys Thread

    What brought you joy this week?

    My joy is that I’m loved enough to get tough love-which on its face stings- but then I remind myself it’s when the tough love is replaced by apathy that it’s more problematic.

    Please share your joys.

    1. Deborah*

      I harvested enough snow and sugar snap peas to provide a snack at the agility trials we’re running this weekend with our dogs. My winter garden has been generous this season, except that the snails have eaten all four of my parsley plants. And I have dozens of small volunteer wasabi arugula plants whose flowers smell powdery-sweet and leaves taste of wasabi. My volunteer calendulas are providing a pop of orange, and the orange tree its prolific (we’ve processed 12 pints of marmalade, and given away dozens and dozens to neighbors & friends, and have several dozen on the tree for juicing). So, my garden = my job and my joy.

      1. Meh*

        I love Wasabi arugula! Trader Joe’s carried it at one time and I thought it was amazing. I never thought to grown it <3

    2. WoodswomanWrites*

      I participated in an online dulcimer festival, and loved the workshops and concerts so much that I ordered a custom instrument. A gifted luthier is building me a mountain dulcimer, which will arrive in a couple months. I’m super excited.

      1. Deborah*

        How cool! A roommate from many decades ago made a hammer dulcimer and taught himself to play. This was in the mid-70s. He was a pretty decent player, too. It’s one of my favorite instruments. I’m chuffed for your new dulcimer. Congrats!

        1. WoodswomanWrites*

          Thanks! That’s impressive for your former roommate to both build and teach himself how to play. I’ve played the mountain dulcimer for decades, and a long time ago bought a hammered dulcimer as well. I eventually sold it because I wasn’t motivated to learn to play it, but I still enjoy listening to it. The festivals I’ve been attending include both hammered and mountain dulcimers.

          1. Pumpernickel Princess*

            Wow, how cool for your roommate!

            These dulcimer festivals sound wonderful, I’m glad it’s gotten you back into playing. :-)

      2. Pumpernickel Princess*

        Oh, how exciting! Have you been playing long or is this your first dulcimer? I recently got into mountain dulcimer playing and have, miraculously, been able to check one out from a neighboring library. Keep us posted on the process!

        1. WoodswomanWrites*

          That is incredible you could check out a musical instrument from the library! I’ve played the dulcimer for decades but only recently discovered, through an online workshop, that the two I have had for years are too large for me.

          For those who are interested, the excellent online festival featuring workshops and concerts is called QuaranTUNE and it’s offered a few times a year. It’s very affordable and the teachers are typically professional musicians. I signed up for six classes of an hour each for about $75 total.

    3. Potatoes gonna potate*

      This happened on Sunday but I count it towards the week :-) visited my friend in her new home. Was having a great time catching up with everyone. We wore sweatpants lol. For once I wasn’t in an anxious rush to leave

    4. Double A*

      When I nurse my baby to sleep for a nap, a lot of times my very old cat likes to come and curl up with us. So he’s tucked into one elbow and she’s tucked in the other. She’s about 6 pounds soaking wet so she can lay on him and he doesn’t even notice. Then we all just kind of doze together. It is very peaceful and comforting.

      Right now the old lady is curled up under the covers with me. She’s in remarkably good shape for a 17 year old cat, but that could change at any time, so I’m just trying to enjoy her while I’ve got her.

      1. Rara Avis*

        Fun memories — my old cat loved to share my lap with my daughter. He was 12+ pounds so it got crowded!

    5. StellaBella*

      My joys this week were starting to get my balcony garden pots in order to plant potatoes and flowers….and getting my taxes done and will send them off later today.

    6. IrishEm*

      I ordered some Swiss sweets (Sugus) online and they arrived this week. Flavours of my childhood and good times giving me hope for when this panasonic ends and I can go back there.

    7. UKDancer*

      Got my hair done yesterday which always makes me feel good about myself. I splashed out on a hydrating treatment so it looks great. I look better and feel so much happier when my hair is done. It was one of the things I found difficult about the pandemic lockdowns (on a personal level) that my hair got longer and more untidy while the hairdressers were shut.

    8. Meh*

      I chopped off 2 feet of quarantine hair this week – feels amazing! My last hair cut was Aug 2019…so I was due. I also took some overgrown plants to the nursery for TLC and they look great now.

    9. Swisa*

      My husband bought me a “just because” necklace that I’d been wanting. He had an affair a year ago, and we stayed together, and recovery has been so hard, but it feels like things are normalizing.p

    10. ecnaseener*

      Warm sunny weather! I went and sat in the sun for a few minutes yesterday and it was much needed.

    11. Ali G*

      The days a finally noticeably longer! There were even birds singing when I got up this morning. It’s also unseasonably warm, but I am not complaining.

    12. the cat's ass*

      I finished/submitted readoption papers for my DD. It was a stressful complicated slog, but it’s done, and even if they need correction, that’s the biggest piece finished.

      Got a chance to see the finale of “the book of Boba Fett” and it was good!

      Seeing friends today as we distribute GS cookies to our service unit.

    13. fposte*

      I have started learning to play the recorder! I really like it as an instrument (I was obsessed with renaissance music as a child) and have vaguely toyed with it before. But now there is the internet and a great YouTube recorder channel and I have bought myself a respectable but affordable plastic recorder and an adult beginner book. Sorting the fingering has a puzzle-solving quality, but it’s like you’re running a sprint while solving it. And while I sound very much like a beginner, I have not hit that wall of horror where you’re appalled by how different I sound from the music in my head.

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        Congrats on learning an instrument! I’m enjoying your posts about your new endeavors since retiring.

    14. RSTchick*

      We had a very unexpected snow day yesterday (usually when we’re going to have nasty weather the weather forecasters really hype it up, whereas Thursday night it was quietly labeled a “special weather event.”

      I work in the same school system as my daughter, so I chose to keep my son home from daycare as well and we all caught up on some sleep and cleaning. It was a nice way to end what was a rather rough week at work (I personally have been fine, but we have some students dealing with challenging mental health situations, and one of them finally came to a head).

      1. allathian*

        Oh, and I also had our annual (virtual) meeting with my son’s teacher, they were at school, I was at home. Great to see he’s making so much progress. He seems to be enjoying learning for its own sake. Fingers crossed he’ll stay in that mindset once he hits puberty in earnest, he’s 12 now and on the cusp.

    17. Hotdog not dog*

      Best Good Dog made 2 new friends this week. A new family with 2 little girls moved in around the corner. They were outside waiting for the school bus when we passed by on our morning walk, and one of the girls was terrified initially while the other one wanted to hug him. Fortunately, BGD loves children and was thrilled with the attention. Within minutes, the frightened girl quietly crept up and stood about a foot away. He immediately dropped to the ground and rolled over for a belly rub, making both girls laugh. Now, about a week later, they both wait for him to come by so they can pet him while they wait for the bus. Their mom said the girls talk about him all the time and now their family is considering adopting a dog! The mom and older daughter apparently wanted one but the younger daughter was afraid of dogs. I’m proud of BGD for being such a good ambassador on behalf of his fellow Canine Americans!

    18. Overeducated*

      I have had a really tough, lonely couple of weeks, and almost cried on a regular Zoom call with a couple friends a few days ago. They immediately said “let’s plan something to get you out of the house” and we are going to meet up at a restaurant with outdoor seating next weekend (we all live an hour apart in different directions with different work schedules, so it’s not that easy to hang out on a whim). It gives me something to look forward to and made me feel cared for.

    19. Bluey Christine Heeler*

      Last night I finished weaving in the ends on my first ever cardigan. Now the only thing left is to buy some buttons for it.
      I’ve gotten back into the routine of going to the aquatic center a couple times per week. Swimming is my favorite form of joyful movement, and I love the freedom of a low impact exercise where I don’t feel as limited by my disability.
      After work today I’m going to go to the new fancy grocery store to buy ingredients to make Cajun chicken pasta for dinner tonight.

    20. Veronica Mars*

      I had COVID all week (not a joy), but woke up yesterday feeling hungry and SO MUCH BETTER. That feeling of finally feeling well after being sick for a while is such a joy. I’m still not 100%, but I’m definitely on the mend.
      Also, there’s pretty snow on the ground right now which makes looking out my window lovely.

    21. Ravine*

      I started reading “Pachinko” by Min Jin Lee this week, and I’m really enjoying it so far. Lately, reading has felt like a chore, but this and my previous bedside book (“Artemis” by Andy Weir) have reminded me that it can — and should — be pleasurable.

    23. Wishing You Well*

      I have massive joy this week!
      I am home again with my dear husband after having cancer surgery on Wed. It was very hard but I’m now doing well. I’m sleeping in my own bed and the prognosis looks good.
      I’m so grateful right now for many things large and small.
      Sending wishes every day that y’all stay safe and healthy.

      3. Squirrel Nutkin*

        So glad you have a good prognosis. I hope that the good news helps you sleep well now and get some good rest.

    24. University Schlep*

      I completed a full push-up today. While that sounds small, I had severe injury to both wrists, one elbow and both shoulders that have made even cat/cow/table pose painful. Baby steps.

    25. The Other Dawn*

      Knowing I have only one week to go until vacation. I leave next Saturday for 10 days in Vegas!

      Being granted an extension for the online technical writing course I’m taking.

    26. Paralegal Part Deux*

      I’m getting my first tattoo. It’s not going to be anywhere visible because of work, but I can’t wait. I’ll get my appointment on 2/15, and we’ll design it from there. I’m super excited.

    27. NeutralJanet*

      Did the best parallel parking job of my life today! I’m pretty bad at parallel parking, which is a problem because I live in a city, but this parking job was smooth, quick, and perfect!

    28. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Bluebirds in my front lawn…four of them. And they’re SO blue in their fresh new feathers!

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          One more than last year, too. Today’s project is assembling a bluebird house kit and mounting it…to think I almost forgot I had it!

    29. I take tea*

      I just got something done that I’ve been procrastinating about for ages. Now I’m tired (it’s really late / early, but I feel so much better.

    30. Squirrel Nutkin*

      I did a little YouTube concert streaming some of my favorite songs from Broadway musicals to try to cheer up a bit.

    31. Virginia Plain*

      I’ve just come back from a skiing holiday in Italy. Quite apart from the skiing fun, lovely food and drinks etc my small joy is finding out, owing to a menu translation mishap (by the hotel), that the Italian word for snow-pea and jackdaw is the same.,.

    1. Double A*

      This is very lovely. Our tuxedo cat, who we went to rather expensive lengths to save from a normally fatal infection, has a personality a bit like Zeus’s. I hope he lives as long, or longer.

      I think a lot about the eras that our pets represent in our lives; my first day died shortly after I met my husband, like he knew he could go because I’d be taken care of. My oldest cat I’ve had over 16 years and it’s kind of crazy to think of the eras of my life she’s been through with me.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      One of ours has been in hospital this week (hopefully coming home today) because she fished an ibuprofen pill out of god knows where and decided this needed to literally be the first thing in seven years that she ate that wasn’t kibble. (Seriously. She and her sister – they don’t do treats, cheese, chicken, fish – nothing but dry kibble, and the other one is specific as to what KIND of kibble, she won’t touch any other type.)

      She’s doing well, my husband saw her right as she was swallowing it and had her to the vet within 30 minutes, but it was the same day as Scalzi’s cat crossing and husband was a bit of a wreck reading about his loss.

    4. Cj*

      We had to have one of our cats put to sleep a week and a half ago. He had squamous cell carcinoma in his mouth, and even with treatment only 10% of cats live a year. He was obviously in pain and couldn’t eat.

      Although it was the obvious decision to have him put to sleep, it was still devastating. I wish my husband would read the post at your link, but I think this early it would actually upset him more.

    5. Admiral Thrawn Is Blue*

      That made me cry. And laugh, especially at the biting of the wrong body part. Cats will cat!

    6. Natalie*

      No, this is cool.
      Because, see, I WANTED to be sitting here at my desk sobbing. This is fine.

      But seriously, this was really lovely. Thank you for sharing. I’m going to go hug my cat.

      1. I take tea*

        I like his Twitter too, but I don’t have Twitter myself and for some stupid reason Twitter has lately decided to block reading without an account :-(

        1. Lizzie (with the deaf cat)*

          I had the same issue start happening. My guess is that there’s now a cookie on your device that cuts you off after a certain number of views. Clearing my cookies, in any case, restores my ability to read the tweets for a few days at a time- give it a go!

    9. I take tea*

      That was a really nice euology. I like his style, and I’m sure it would be a god life to be a pet in that household.

      I have a purring cat on me right now, and another at the foot end of the bed. Very comforting.

  7. Lady Whistledown*

    Favorite travel location/memory?

    One of my coping mechanisms during the Plague is thinking about the trips I’m going to take once kiddo is vaccinated and major danger has passed. Current mental escape is planning to see the Northern Lights.

    What about you? Where have you loved traveling?

    1. Deborah*

      Last July we took a two-week tandem bicycle tour of France. We started in Paris, the week that the Eiffel Tower opened and the Tour de France finished. We had a quick (3 hour) tour of Le Louvre (the Mona Lisa is quite small IRL), went to the top of the Eiffel Tower (the elevator took longer than the ticket purchase; the French weren’t quite ready for the reopening so there were no crowds; it was fabulous), and shared a VIP booth <100 m from the finish line of Le Tour. Wowowowowow! Then we had 9 days on a boat on the Rhône river (mostly docked, due to flooding in Germany; explaining that is too much). We rode our bike with other tandems around Vienne, Avignon, Arles, down to the Mediterranean. Provence is gorgeous. In Burgundy (one of our side trips was dinner at Paul Bocuse, in Lyon) I saw some familiar flowers — they were California poppies — in France! We loved the south so much (we'd spent a week in Normandy in 2005; much to see there and prepared to be overwhelmed if you visit the D-Day areas) that we joined up with 3 other tandem couples to ride our bikes in Bordeaux, the Dordogne region, for two weeks this summer.

      In 2014 we did a 2-week small bike tour of Abruzzo, Italy. It was like Napa but waaaaaay older, and much more rustic. We'd planned to do 3 -6 rides in Italy in 2020 (my husband was consulting on projects being built in 3 different provinces in Italy) and then COVID kicked everyone's plans to the curb. We're trying to make up for it no.

      1. Berlin Berlin*

        Sounds amazing! How did you find the tandem compared to riding individually? Did it significantly reduce the exertion for a given distance? Or was it about allowing the person on back to be able to “enjoy the scenery” a bit more?

        1. Deborah*

          The captain sits in front and has control of steering, braking, and gears. The stoker (me) sits behind and provides power. This is our third and “forever” tandem (custom hand-built Calfee; everything is carbon fiber including the timing belt; hydraulic disc brakes and electronic shifting) — we originally got a tandem because I was riding my bike like I stole it, and kept dropping my husband (not intentionally). With a tandem no one is dropped.

          It’s harder going uphill because of gravity. It’s faster going downhill for the same reason. I miss being in control and having the wind in my face on my half-(aka non-tandem) bike. As for allowing the stoker to enjoy the scenery: The 5 S’s of Stoking: Sightseeing, socializing, snapping photos, singing, and stoking. So yeah, scenery is enjoyed. (c;

        2. Deborah*

          Oh, and I almost forgot the infamous tandem saying: Wherever your relationship is headed, the tandem wil get you there faster. We’ve been a tandem couple since 2007, and will celebrate our 41st wedding anniversary this year, on a tandem tour of Bourdeaux. So, yay tandems!

    2. Lammy*

      Two of my most prominent travel memories aren’t my favorite, but they are memorable.

      One was being told to hold on tight to my brother (only a year younger, but due to health reasons much smaller) on Mount Vernon on a super windy day. My dad was concerned he’d blow away on us. Possibly the same trip, we just missed the ferry to Ellis Island. Like ran up as the boat was pulling away. Don’t know why, but that always stuck with me.

      I also recall seeing a moose in the Grand Tetons and my dad not recognizing what the open hands on both sides of the head illiterates. We were a bit a head of him on the hike and waited for him to catch up.

      There was also a trip to London. Brother and I went our own way from mom and stepdad. Found a toy museum in the guide books. Cool! We like toys! Each stairwell had creepy dolls. So many dolls. But the gift shop at the end was on point and that’s where I got most of the souvenirs for my friends back home.

    3. Salymander*

      Husband and I once spent several months living in a tent and the car, traveling across the USA and parts of Canada on a shoestring budget. We went to a bunch of national parks and historical sites. We didn’t really plan anything except the basic direction we would be going, first from California to the East coast, and then back again by a different route. We saw so much wildlife. We even saw a grizzly bear! It was huge, and it ran so fast. Thankfully not toward us. We were caught in a herd of stampeding elk. We had a terrifying stand off with a bighorn sheep while hiking a narrow, precarious trail on the edge of a cliff. We were able to hike across glaciers, though they have probably melted away by now. Glacier National Park in particular was the most beautiful place I have ever seen. Totally worth living on canned veggie chili and Clif bars and sleeping on the ground for months.

    4. Oh! The Places We'll Go!*

      The Northern Lights are my current mental fantasy too! I’ve been watching them live online. Of course they don’t always show up when you want them to, but I’ve seen some great ones recently.
      As for past places I’ve loved, I’ve been to Paris probably 8 times and I adore it, what a beautiful place. And people have always been very very nice to me, with one minor exception. Nothing like the stereotypes you hear. For me and other members of my family who have traveled there, it has always been glorious and friendly.

      1. Ontariariario*

        The northern lights are very affected by time of year. They can barely be seen far north in summer due to long hours of sunlight, and in winter there is often cloud. I never saw them on my trips in May and November, and saw them well at 2am in October.

    5. Potatoes gonna potate*

      My last few trips were to my parents home country, January 2019 to be precise. Have a lot of family there and would love to go back one day when tater tot is older. The smells are so strong. It’s where my father is buried. It’s def not the same visiting anymore now that he’s not there to greet me at the airport.

      Before he died my husband and I travelled to California, Dubai, and smaller local trips. I’ve also done solo trips to California and Washington state (that one in January 2020!). And ofc canada since that’s where he’s from. I would love to do a huge trip in canada, travel to different provinces etc.

    6. WoodswomanWrites*

      Someday I want to go to Iceland and see the landscapes I’m in awe of from the photos and videos.

      I’ll go with the first travel memory that popped into my head. When I was hiking in Canyonlands National Park on an uncrowded trail, I took a break in an alcove to sing in the great acoustics created by the shape of the rock walls. A canyon wren flew in and landed not far away. When I sang, he sang and when I paused, he did too. I will never forget that incredible duet.

      1. Expiring Cat Memes*

        Iceland is on my list too. I always wonder if those black sand beaches are as beautiful in person as they are with photography magic though!

        1. Bluebell*

          The black sand beaches are beautiful but also dangerous. And even in the summer, the weather is pretty nippy. I went there in summer 2019 and loved the experience. Taking a boat ride in the Glacier Lagoon was very memorable. Also watching the sky at night was fascinating- it just never got dark.

    7. StellaBella*

      I travelled a lot in the before times. Five favourite places are Papua New Guinea (2009 work but loved the beauty and people and still have friends there so on FB see photos all the time), The Maldives (2012 and our trip ended with the coup so 3 days living in the airport was interesting), Trinidad and Tobago (2005 Carnival, amazing and lovely), Italy (3 visits since 2010), and New Zealand (1999 and fave place was Napier by far but all of it was lovely). My next trip I have thought about is driving and maybe camping, as I live in Europe, on the Route Napoleon seriously look it up) but from North to South to the Med. I may try to do this in summer if things stabilise here.

    8. Jen*

      I absolutely loved my trip to the Big Island (Hawaii). I love both hiking and swimming and it was just an amazing trip. I even swam with dolphins (which I have to say in the wild is actually a little scary, though being able to watch the spinner dolphins swim up and then jump into the air was amazing).

    9. Sleeping Late Every Day*

      My return trips: Arizona and New Mexico, particularly Canyon de Chelly, Santa Fe and the drive to Albuquerque, the Petrified Forest and the Painted Desert, and Tucson and San Xavier Del Bac Mission. A more thorough exploration of Vermont. Quebec City and Île d’Orléans. Hartwick Pines State Park in north central Michigan and Ludington State Park on Lake Michigan.
      Bucket list of places I haven’t been: Nova Scotia, taking the ferry from Maine. The Pacific Northwest. Grand Teton National Park. And so many countries I’ll never see unless I win the lottery.

      1. Rara Avis*

        For my honeymoon we took the ferry from Maine to Nova Scotia. Went back for our 1oth anniversary. Great trips!

    10. Anima*

      And I sit here just wanting to go to the next town over, Heidelberg. It is a pretty as the pamphlets say, and ist can be seen in one day, but then you miss the most interesting parts. I’ve been there several times with different people, but the hiking trip in 2018 is forever in my memory. Haven’t been back since, sadly. And I need to wait out this panini a bit longer before I jump in a train and go again.
      You can’t have a bad day in Heidelberg. Especially if you’ve been there several times and know how to avoid the tourist stampede!

    11. IrishEm*

      My last 2 trips were to Switzerland in 2019 (July & December). I had travelled there often as a child and seeing it as an adult was eerie and exciting. Also December was my first time travelling alone and I got my first massive boost of gender euphoria when I was called “sir/ser” at the hotel reception. I have no bad memories of Switzerland and I want to live there because my pain drastically reduced while I was over there.

    12. UKDancer*

      Favourite places are:

      Norway because the scenery is so beautiful. For my 30th birthday my parents took me to Norway. We saw Bergen and got the train up and over the mountains to Oslo. Then we flew to Kirkinnes in the Arctic circle and had a wonderful day sleigh riding (drawn by the cutest huskies) and snow mobiling. Then we got the boat down from Kirkinnes through the fjords back to Bergen. It was amazing, the most beautiful place.

      I’d definitely agree with people recommending the Maldives, it’s absolutely beautiful with amazing reefs. I had a wonderful time snorkelling there. My bungalow had a bathroom that was open to the sky so I would shower at night and look at the stars. If I get married I want my honeymoon there.

      I think in general I love visiting Germany and don’t think I could pick a favourite city from Nuremberg, Hamburg, Cologne or Stuttgart. I just feel so content in Germany and it works for me on one level. I went a lot as a child to visit my godparents and lived there as a student so it always feels like coming home. I don’t know if I’d want to live there but I have missed my annual visits during the pandemic. I am hoping to go to Berlin the autumn for music and shopping and fun.

    13. Falling Diphthong*

      This fall we took a trip through eastern Arizona and New Mexico. Very beautiful, in a spare way. I live in New England where you are pretty much always in the forest, and the wide open views on the drives really stayed with me.

      I think my favorite part was Petrified Forest National Park, on the border between the two states. Not near anything else, and so not at all crowded. I am much more into geology in my 50s than I was when younger. (Look! Physics, slowly with trees on top!)

      1. Carpe Manana*

        I hope at some point you can come out to visit northern New Mexico. I’ve lived in and about Santa Fe for over 20 years and something about the landscape and the open skies gets into your blood. At least it has mine. Whenever I go back to the Mid West to visit, the chartreuse-like green gives me the hibbie jibbies.

        Lots of little know, off-the-beaten-path roadside attractions.

        But I’ve driven past but never visited The Petrified Visit. I looked it up and it’s a 3 1/2 hour drive. Maybe this summer. . .

    14. Falling Diphthong*

      Places I’ve been and loved, partial list:

      • Hawaii, the big island. It’s Hawaii, and beautiful.
      • New Zealand: You know how it plays itself so well in movies? That’s not a filter. Very fond memories of the sheep expo.
      • Costa Rica: We spent time on the coast and in the rainforest. Lots of diverse beauty packed into a small space; lovely people. This is somewhere I would consider retiring even though I don’t currently speak Spanish. If you’re in the Americas, it’s got minimal jet lag to deal with.

    15. RSTchick*

      We went to Ireland for our honeymoon back in 2014, and it was amazing. We’d like to go back in one of our milestone anniversaries.

    16. GoryDetails*

      So many! Looking back I do wish I’d done more traveling when I was younger (and there weren’t all these pandemic restrictions), but I have been fortunate enough to see some marvelous things.

      Some were actually local: my family lived in Wyoming for years, so day-trips to the Tetons were A Thing; that moment when we rounded the turn and saw the mountains was always a joy. And now I live in New England, within easy driving distance of the coast, so I can bop up to the Nubble Lighthouse in York, Maine and enjoy the stunning view.

      Other moments: seeing Stonehenge – despite my familiarity with it through documentaries and other media, actually being there put me in awe, and I had to be dragged back to the tour bus {wry grin}.

      The staggeringly-beautiful Welsh coast near St. David’s Head. [Also the marvelous ale at the local pubs.]

      Climbing the bell tower of Notre Dame in Paris, and seeing the gargoyles up close.

      Walking among the redwoods in Muir Woods – and spotting an American Dipper dabbling at the edge of a brook; yes, the trees were awesome, yet somehow that tiny bird sticks in my memory.

      To name a few!

    17. Pippa K*

      Our last trip abroad before things shut down was to Australia to visit family, and we can’t wait to get back. I normally travel a fair bit for work, family, and pleasure and have missed this so much for the past two years. At this point I’d go almost anywhere! But for some reason the daydream lately has been to go back to Amsterdam, stand in the Rijksmuseum gazing at some Rembrandt, and then go eat all the Indonesian food I can hold.

    18. Elizabeth West*

      Definitely Loch Ness in 2014. It was a bucket-list item from childhood. Back then, I was really into UFOs and cryptids (silly me!) and badly wanted to see Nessie, but the ruined castle was also a draw. During my planning, I had a choice between Paris and Inverness for a day trip—it was the perfect chance to mark it off my list, so I chose Inverness. Since I took the Caledonian Sleeper up there and I always wanted to sleep on a train, I killed two bucket-list items with one stone. :)

      I blogged that trip, so here’s a link and pictures:
      https://aelizabethwest.com/2014/10/04/scotland-loch-ness-inverness-trains-and-tubes/

      On the trip back, I met a young Scottish woman and her nan in the first-class lounge car; they were headed down to London for a trip to Egypt. We had drinks and a nice chat and she and I are still friends on Facebook. She got married and had two kids in the interim. Next time I go back, I hope we can visit.

      I’d travel a lot more if I had both money and time. Thanks to my online stuff, I have so many friends in different places that there’s always someone to meet up with. Before I lost my job, I was planning a huge trip around Europe. Someday…

      1. beentheredonethat*

        Machu Picchu was the most amazing thing I have seen. One side of my family came from Chalgrave England in the 1600’s, The church is still standing. I then went to the local library and they had the town records from the 1300’s and let this foolish American in the room with the ones from the 1600’s. I made copies and brought them home and bought a book on middle English AND ran out of steam. But still so cool.

    19. KR*

      My husband and I took a road trip up to Moab. We took our dogs and pretty much drove the entire weekend, listening to music and trying to see as much as we could. It was snowing. One of my favorite trips we have taken, even though we didn’t *do* a lot.

    20. SparklingBlue*

      One of my favorite memories was an epic road trip to Florida when I was young–the highlight of which being Disney World.

    21. The Other Dawn*

      Not necessary my favorite memory, but something I still tell people about so it was memorable.

      I grew up, and still live, in the Northeast. My parents and I drove to Florida when I was kid (we never flew anywhere due to money and my mom’s fear of flying). This was the time of paper maps and TripTik planners from AAA, so very early 80s and o GPS. On the trip home, my mom took over driving and it was nighttime. We were somewhere around northern North Carolina/southern Virginia. My dad fell asleep, so no map reader. But it’s I-95N all the way home. Very easy. I don’t know why, but my mom I guess forgot it’s 95 all the way and rather than waking my dad to check the map, she concluded that the car in front of her was going to same way (home!) and followed it. All the way to eastern Delaware. My dad woke up and was confused as to why we weren’t in NJ. My mom then had to explain her reasoning. We laughed about it for years. All I can say when people ask why she did that is, “That’s just who she was.” LOL

    22. the cat's ass*

      We went to Chile a couple of years a go for a month with another couple and traveled from the Atacama Desert all the way down to Patagonia with kayaking, hiking, hot springs, and winery tours. We mostly travelled by train and bus which were surprisingly luxurious, especially the night buses. In Santiago we stayed in the a friend of a friend’s apartment, and just before leaving, recovered in a spa in the Andean foothills. DH had gone there as a kid with his grandmom, and it looked a little dumpy and run down, but WOW. We were the youngest people there, as it was a lot of older folks taking the cure in the lithium loaded waters. And the food at the spa was incredible, and even nicer for being unexpected. I’d love to go back.

    23. Been There*

      Vancouver. I went a couple of years ago in the last week of September, when the trees where turning but the weather was still nice. I loved wandering through this big, spacious city right by the water.

    24. Cedrus Libani*

      I think my favorite place ever was Switzerland. I love mountains, cheese, and chocolate, and OMG did I get that. I also have a rather specific soft spot for massive engineering projects that exist mostly because the engineers in question wanted to flex – yep, they have those too. Special mention to the train that goes right up the Jungfrau, one of the biggest and baddest of the Swiss Alps.

      Iceland is at the top of my to-do list – would’ve been my honeymoon, in late March 2020. Someday!

  8. Lurker*

    Advice for planing your first adult vacation? Never been on a trip by myself that wasn’t visiting family/ friends and staying with them or road tripping and camping. Looking to plan a trip someplace warm, like Hawaii, Mexico, San Diego, etc, and I have no idea how to start. Any advice on finding the right hotels/ flights/ activities. What order to book stuff in? Especially looking for advice on where/ how to start, a little frozen/ overwhelmed with the idea of planning stuff.

    1. WoodswomanWrites*

      I suggest picking a spot or a few that intrigue you and looking up the kinds of activities you enjoy. Museums? Music? Gardens? Parks? Etc. From there, Trip Advisor is my go to. There are a whole lot of reviews there and almost without exception, I’ve found other people’s recommendations spot on for hotels as well as other destinations.

      It’s also good to consider what kinds of accommodations you’re interested in. If I’m staying somewhere for an extended period, I prefer going through Airbnb to get a place with a kitchen where I can bring groceries rather than having to eat out all the time as is needed at a hotel.

      Think about how you’d like to get around. Do you want to be able to walk places? Rent a car? Ride a bike? Public transit? That’s a good thing to consider also.

      All these suggestions are how I’ve traveled before COVID, so you may need to modify things. For instance, when I’ve had short stays in hotels, I’ve brought all my food with me and used the refrigerator and microwave to prepare meals so I wouldn’t have to go to public places unmasked. You’ll need to consider what your own comfort is for traveling.

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        Also, since you’re figuring things out as you go, you might find it easier to book things through a central source online such as Expedia if you find it overwhelming to dive into the entire internet. Look for bookings you can easily change for a full refund. For instance, when I’ve booked through Expedia, I’ve found hotels I can cancel all the way up to a day or two before my trip. Many airlines during the pandemic have waived all fees for cancellations or changes. My experience with Airbnb is that you can cancel with minimal fees as well, that just varies on the place in terms of how much notice they need.

        1. LDN Layabout*

          The warning with this is that if anything goes wrong, there’s an extra level of beaurocracy between you and the company you’ve paid via the middleman. And in a lot of cases they expect you to deal with Expedia rather than the people who are sometimes literally right in front of you.

          1. missing travel*

            Yes, when there was an issue with a flight I booked through Orbitz, I ended up spending weeks going back and forth on the phone with Orbitz and the airline, each telling me that the other had to do XYZ before they could do ABC.
            On the other hand, when our honeymoon hotel announced (on the day of the wedding) that they were closing immediately for renovations, Hotels.com got in touch ASAP, apologized profusely, sent us a handful of comparable options, and then covered the price difference. So that’s a middleman I’d be happy to use again.

            1. WoodswomanWrites*

              Good points. I’ve never had anything go wrong with Expedia or other external services, so now I know to be aware of the risk and may change the way I book things.

    2. AcademiaNut*

      First, I decide the cities I want to stay overnight in (one city, and do day trips, or a couple of different locations), and check transportation options, for a basic itinerary.

      My usual order
      – check necessary visas, and make sure my passport expiry date is compatible (ie, not expiring within six months of the trip). Check national holidays for the destination, so I’m don’t accidentally book for an unusually busy period.
      – check hotel rooms for a general idea of price/location/availability, check rental car availability.
      – book plane tickets. Usually I avoid ultra-budget airlines, and try to get fairly direct flights. Making multiple changes to save a couple hundred dollars isn’t usually worth it.
      – book rental car/train tickets between cities, etc.
      – book hotels
      – buy travel insurance

      Then I can relax a bit, and think about what I want to do when. Tickets for things like the opera, ultra busy cultural sites, or a guided birding tour, I do in advance, most of the rest we figure out after we’ve got there.

      A few hints – read the cancellation/change information carefully for tickets and hotels. You can often cancel hotels or rebook train tickets, if you do it well enough in advance, but sometimes a cancellable room is a bit more expensive. Plane tickets can generally be rebooked for a change fee, but not fully refunded. I’ve noticed the hotel sites, like booking.com, have taken to suggesting cheaper options where you change rooms at the same hotel between nights, which is annoying (you have to check out, and stash your stuff before checking in again). I’ve had very good luck over the years with not very expensive B&B type places that might be a bit shabby, but have rave reviews for the owners.

      I would also recommend not filling your schedule too full. Give yourself time to relax in a park or on the beach, or have a mid-afternoon nap, or read in a coffee shop.

      If you’re nervous about travelling, it’s probably easiest to stick to the US for your first trip. You won’t have to worry about language issues or passports and visas.

    3. Pam Adams*

      Don’t put too much weight on making it perfect. Find a place you would like to go, a reasonable place to stay, and choose some activities. Enjoy yourself.

      1. Fellow Traveller*

        +1 to this advice. I think I often suffer from FOBO (fear of better options) and am paralyzed by choice. I have to tell myself that making a choice is better than not making one.

    4. AvonLady Barksdale*

      It wasn’t exactly my first adult vacation, but when I booked my first solo trip I went to the JetBlue website and found a getaway package that looked good– included flight and hotel, so that was taken care of. I wanted to go somewhere I had never been, somewhere relaxing, somewhere I would feel comfortable on my own. I narrowed it down to Las Vegas, Key West, and Bermuda.

      I ended up in Bermuda. Wrong time of year so it wasn’t expensive. Frankly, the weather sucked (February!) and I ended up not really loving Bermuda, but my hotel was GREAT and I had a good time.

      In short: you can book a package which will take care of the major pieces and go from there.

    5. Loopy*

      If you can afford it, make arrangements with companies with better customer service reputations vs. sites like Expedia. I used to always go with the cheapest option but when things go awry or wrong, you’re usually just plain out of luck. For example, it may take a long time to reach a person, but when I finally do Delta’s customer service (when booked directly through their site) was easy and helpful and I could have cried with relief.

      This may mean asking around to those who have used different companies. For me personally, it reduces a lot of travel anxiety, but YMMV on how much this matters.

    6. LDN Layabout*

      1) Do all the at home tasks first. That means booking leave, buying travel insurance, checking what and where your travel insurance will cover e.g. do you want to do any diving/water sports.

      2) Flights. What experience do you want and how does that meet up with your budget? When I was younger, I would book flights at idiot times to save money, now I’m older and have more money? Comfort > saving money.

      Same with flying direct vs. having connections, I’d much rather fly direct if possible but some people don’t mind dealing with connections to get a deal on flights. This might rely on whether you have a hub airport nearby or not.

      If all you want to do is go somewhere warm, I’d look first at what direct/reasonably priced flights you have going from your local airport to help you choose where to go. Also take into account accommodation/spending costs at that point e.g. Mexico will likely be cheaper than the US when you’re there, even if the flights are more expensive.

      3) Accommodation. Think about how you want your holiday to go, do you want to flit from place to place or go somewhere with a beach and pool nearby and just stay there for two weeks, or something in between? Consider whether you might feel more comfortable doing an all-inclusive for this first trip, it’ll mean accommodation, food, activities will be something you can arrange with one entity (the resort).

      4) Activities. Once you have everything else sorted, you can see what kind of things are on offer. Check tripadvisor and also google things such as ‘travel blog LocationX’ and you’ll see what others before you have done/enjoyed.

    7. sagewhiz*

      There is an advisory to NOT travel to Mexico, due to covid. If you do decide to go there, carefully research the particular area, as many are known to be dangerous for tourists.

    8. Falling Diphthong*

      My hotel picking advice: Choose a destination and some stuff you want to be sure to visit on the trip. Pull up Google maps of that location and search for hotels. Most recently I did this to find a really lovely B and B on the Maine coast near Bath; a quiet bunch of cabins in the woods on a stream well outside Sedona; a casino-free resort outside Albuquerque; and a known-quantity chain hotel close to the highway exit midway on a long driving stretch.

      Typing this I realize it’s very close to what AirBnB offers as a model, assuming that “proximity to the thing I want to see” is a major criterion for me.

    9. Llellayena*

      If you’re not quite sure on location yet, check the flight prices to a few places and pick somewhere less expensive to fly to. Also, if you’re comfortable with dorm style sleeping arrangements, look at hostels. Most of the major cities will have them, you’ll have access to a full size fridge, often an included breakfast (don’t expect fancy though, think bagels), and sometimes a full kitchen. You’ll also have other travelers to talk with at meals and in the evenings and might find someone to pal around with for a day.

      I’d make a list of what you’d like to do, map out where it is and decide if you actually need a car rental. I’ve been on several trips where I just use public transportation or occasionally Uber. Get your sleeping spot somewhere in the middle of everything (another way hostels can be useful) and walk, bus, or train/subway where you want to go. For a one day trip a little farther out, you can get a car just for that day.

      Oh, money saving trick. Lunch should be your biggest meal of the day. Lunch prices at restaurants are cheaper and give you just as much food as dinner. Use the leftovers for dinner (if you’ve got access to a fridge) and you’ll save a ton.

      Ps. I recommend Santa Fe. I would recommend San Diego but I haven’t been there yet, but there’s a lot that looks interesting and it all seems to be in one area.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        Seconding on two bits of this:
        • Uber for visiting large cities. I didn’t have to deal with driving in heavy traffic or trying to park.
        • Santa Fe: Visited this fall and it was lovely. It’s high desert, though, so may not be as warm as you are hoping for if you go in early March.

    10. Raboot*

      Don’t book airline tickets from anyone except airlines. You can use any number of tools to seatch for flights (google flights and skyscanner are popular) but book the actual tickets through an airline.

      If you do stay in the US, afaik Southwest doesn’t give agggregators access to their flights, so also check Southwest when you choose your tickets.

      For hotels, it’s definitely a good idea to alao check their own website after finding them on booking-dot-com or similar, but it’s less of a big deal because hotel reservations tend to be easier to change and sometimes are pay on arrival (read the booking conditions though). Meanwhile buying airline tickets from a 3rd party will probably be fine BUT if anything changes, even if your flights are rescheduled by an airline, it will be a nightmare to modify anything.

    11. cleo*

      I highly recommend the Lonely Planet guidebooks – they give a good overview of what to do and see, with lots of tips and things to keep in mind when planning to visit specific places. They also have a website.

    12. Bluebell*

      Lots of good advice on this thread. Given your interest in warm places/beach, I’d add Puerto Rico to the list. I went there solo preCovid and stayed in AirBnbs. Also chose some Airbnb experiences that were great. Was able to get direct flight on JetBlue that was not too pricey. I usually start with flight research, then look at accommodations. Good luck!

    13. WoodswomanWrites*

      I’m seconding another suggestion of making room for down time. I’ve found that once I arrive somewhere, the locals have suggestions for things I didn’t previously know about that turned out be fantastic. It’s also good to have wiggle room where you may just want to hang out and read a book or something. Constant activity can be draining.

    14. Koala dreams*

      I like to borrow a few guidebooks from the library to start with. They give you an idea of what to see and do and often have examples for travel itineraries, but of course you’ll have to check the details online or with the local tourist office since the books can be outdated.

      Many cities have websites with information for tourists, like the online version of tourist offices, if you have a particular city in mind you can look there for ideas.

    15. Lurker*

      Thank you for all the advice this is super helpful. It’s very overwhelming doing this for the first time, so I really appreciate all the advice.

    16. BarnacleSally*

      I usually start with thinking about what type of vacation I want. Do I want a more social and urban experience? (access to plays, museums, events etc) Or do I want a more rural experience? (hiking and natural wonder style experiences) Figuring out that usually helps me to start to hone in on a location. Then I head over to the Trip Advisor travel forms and lurk there to see what interests me in my potential locations.

  9. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Writing thread! How’s everyone’s writing going? As usual this is not limited to fiction writing, any writing goes.

    For me it’s been little this week, but I did get some more very necessary plotting done for a massive project. I genuinely hope I get to complete this one – my brain has a tendency of coming up with 50 different ideas and then I end up with 47 incomplete projects to find years later…

    1. WoodswomanWrites*

      Lately, I’ve been thinking about writing about music on my blog. Music and writing are two of my creative outlets, but trying to mix those two genres together is really tough. I sit at the keyboard and just kinda stare thinking about how to translate my feelings about playing and singing into words and paragraphs. I have new respect for music writers.

    2. Miss 404*

      Mixed feelings. On the one hand, it’s going fantastically – the words have flowed like water when they’re usually more like ketchup (in a glass bottle). But on the other hand, I put my character in a Not Fun situation from which I haven’t yet extricated her, and my muse has abruptly departed now I’m less tired since I am the epitome of “write drunk, edit sober”… so now I have a lovely bit of grimdark hanging around front and centre of my notes app that I don’t really want there without a happy ending… yay.

    3. Forensic13*

      Not too badly! I was trying to figure out how to get a character to act. . . out of character. . . quickly and finally figured out how to make it work. I’ve always been trying to find more writing support, which I’ve been craving, and tried a new group.

    4. RagingADHD*

      I am unbelievably frustrated by my inability to concentrate and buckle down. We finally got everyone well and back to school, and then we got bad health news about a family member, so its a whole nother fire drill with hosting relatives, then my husband traveling, and oppressive worry.

      I feel like I “should” be able to be productive because I’m not physically doing much for the family situation, and I have the time. But it is taking up a big chunk of brain space.

    5. Girasol*

      One of the short stories that I’d tried and tried to write suddenly appeared all at once. I am still delighted and mystified by how my characters say things that surprise me. Part of me thinks, “What a concept! I never thought of anything like that,” while another part says, “How can I be surprised? I wrote that.” Do your characters surprise you or am I just out of my mind?

    7. DrunkAtAWedding*

      I’m writing a story about a woman who falls in love with an alien…and the most unrealistic part so far is when the alien notices all the work she’s doing and thinks “Hm…maybe if I do the washing up, she’ll have time to watch a movie with me?”. The majority of the men I’ve met in my life (not due to biological gender, but societal expectations) would struggle to come to that realisation.

    8. just another bureaucrat*

      I read a book recently that I really was annoyed with, the whole time I kept thinking about all the stupid parts of it and sat down to write…essentially anti-fan fiction. About half way through my brain just crashed out and was like “what do I do to make this saleable? How do I need to update this character to fit this model to be more catchy? Which particular sub-genre am I aiming for and am I hitting the right notes to make it a hit within that?

      1. just another bureaucrat*

        Hit send too soon…which is basically what happened and all my forward writing momentum just WHOOOOOSHED out of me. I can’t seem to get my brain to stop and focus on creative outlet for creative sake, it’s like gotta do the next thing. It’s frustrating to feel like I’m fighting my brain all the time to get it what it needs.

  10. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Gaming thread! What’s everyone been playing this week? As usual, this is not limited to video games so feel free to talk about any kind of game you want including phone games and board games. Also feel free to ask for recommendations or help identifying a vaguely remembered game.

    I’ve recently gotten back into Don’t Starve, that survival game where starvation is usually the least of my problems. A group of pengulls decided to nest closer to my camp than I care for (though at least this time they’re not right on top of it)

    1. Smol Book Wizard*

      Oh, the joys of Don’t Starve, and the pengulls. I play Wendy all the time now so I don’t have to worry As Much, but there’s just so many ways to perish… The last time I think it was the ant-lion that got me, because I had just escaped lightning at night and was like “I cannot be bothered to leave the earthquake zone, how bad can it be?” I also have a long and dishonorable history of falling to the walrus-folk in the wintertime, even when I’m not trying to steal their hats.

    2. Alice*

      I’ve just finished Wytchwood and it was so charming, just a little game about a witch wandering around collecting ingredients for quests. Just 10 hours of gameplay, so it doesn’t overstay its welcome. Not sure what to play next (sure, I have 50 games on my bought-and-unplayed list, but I’ve got nothing new to play!)

    3. The Dude Abides*

      The new Kamigawa set just dropped, and outside of the one busted card everyone wants in older formats, for me the set is a big giant pile of meh.

    4. anon7557*

      So Clover is a fun activity (we don’t keep score). It’s slow and quiet with lots of thinking so keep that in mind.

    5. comityoferrors*

      My partner and I started playing Escape Simulator this week and it’s been a lot of fun! The first few puzzles we solved, we went way over the timer but celebrated getting tokens anyway. As we got more into the groove, we started beating the time *and* getting tokens and it really hyped us up. We have very different play-styles (he’s competitive, I’m a slow completionist) but the escape rooms balanced out our styles and helped us collaborate better. I’m excited for our next game night.

      If anyone has recs for similar low-key co-op games, I’d love to hear it!

    6. Libby A.*

      I’ve been finishing up the new Pokémon Legends Arceus game. One of the Pokémon requires you to find 107 floating wisps around the different maps and I’ve been hunting those down recently.

      My friend and I also had the chance to play the Pokémon card game for the first time. I played a lot with the cards as a kid but never with the actual rules. It’s been a very fun Pokémon filled week.

      2. LGC*

        Ditto, although I still haven’t beaten even the fourth noble yet (after I struggled way more against Arcanine than I should have, I put off Electrode until the weekend).

        It’s been pretty lit, though! I JUST got into Pokémon myself (as in, Sword was my entry into the main line), and while I found the Pearl remake kind of ugly on the Switch (to the point where I just put it off and totally not because Maylene’s Lucario beat me into a pulp and I was BIG MAD), and while Legends: Arceus is different from the main games…it still uses a lot of the familiar Pokémon mechanics. And I’ve had fun with a lot of its changes (for example, the fact that you are the monster in the tall grass now).

      3. SparklingBlue*

        I’ve been having fun with Pokemon Legends: Arceus even if Hisuian Arcanine was a royal pain to fight

    7. RagingADHD*

      I’m excited to try a new TT collaborative game called “The Adventures of Robin Hood.” Got a notification that my hold came in, so I’m picking it up from the library today.

    8. Elizabeth West*

      I downloaded some puzzle thing called Bubble Pop: Origins because I just wanted to pop bubbles but it’s HARD. It was very stressful until I realized that, like most games, if I grind long enough, it will let me win eventually. I do like the sounds it makes, so I guess it’s somewhat relaxing.

    9. Koala dreams*

      Does anyone use board game arena? I’m curious to try it out, but don’t know where to start. Any tips?

      1. Alice*

        Do you have other friends who might be interested in trying with you? We have the most fun when playing together on a group call. When we are trying a new game, or if there is a new person at the table, there is the option of playing with no timer which really helps. Otherwise, make sure to read the rules before joining a table. It’s okay to take some time to figure out each interface at first, even if you are familiar with the game, some buttons and options are in weird places.

        2. Mimi*

          Agreed. There are also a lot of settings when creating tables that I didn’t find at first, so even if you don’t have friends available, you can deliberately set up a game for inexperienced players, or whatever.

    10. MEH Squared*

      I’m eagerly awaiting Elden Ring by FromSoft, supposed to drop in less than two weeks! I can’t believe it’s almost in my hot little hands. It’s probably the game I’ll be playing for the rest of this year.

  12. Loves libraries*

    Minor issue alert – I am aware this is a small problem but thought I’d see what y’all would do.

    I have a very good friend who started wearing a particular perfume a few years ago. I don’t like the smell of this perfume as it makes me feel quite nauseous. However, she was living in a city far away so we would see each other once or twice per year and it seemed like a small price to pat on our occasional catch ups. Said friend has now moved back to my current city and hopefully we’ll be catching up a lot more often. Should I say something about the perfume? I am currently pregnant so have a relatively good excuse for scent insensitivity.

    1. Sleeping Late Every Day*

      You can use the pregnancy as an excuse for now, just say all perfumes make you feel queasy. Afterwards, something like “That’s a lovely scent but I seem to be allergic to it” would be diplomatic.

      1. Berlin Berlin*

        I agree about using the pregnancy as a justification – and afterwards could you simply tell them that the insensitivity has unfortunately persisted? That might soften it if they might be dismayed at the revelation you’ve disliked it all this time

      1. UKDancer*

        Definitely I’d rather know. I think just say “one of the symptoms of pregnancy is an aversion to some scents. Unfortunately that perfume you’re wearing is making me feel unwell. Would you mind not wearing it when we meet up.” Unless your friend is a completely awful person they will probably prefer to know so they can do something about it. I mean I have about 3 favourite scents and would be happy not wearing one if it would make my friend feel unwell.

      2. AGD*

        This. I once learned that a friend had been secretly reacting badly to some completely optional thing that I’d been doing for years, and I was a bit horrified that they put themself through all that – it would have been very easy for me to make the necessary small adjustment all those years earlier!

    3. Llellayena*

      Just a couple days ago at the place we don’t speak about here I asked someone to step back because I was reacting to their perfume. It doesn’t need to be a big thing. You can’t control how you react to irritants and a good person will recognize that and accommodate you. Heck, I had a friend who was allergic to ALL scents (epipen level allergic) and I would shower after work with unscented soap and use unscented deodorant before heading over there. You accommodate the people you love.

    5. allathian*

      Please say something, especially now that your pregnancy means you have the perfect excuse. If she’s a good friend, she’ll understand. If she doesn’t understand, she isn’t as good a friend as you think.

    6. Suprisingly ADHD*

      I’m very scent-sensitive, so I’ve developed a couple of scripts to explain it to people I need to see often. My favorite is “Certain scents tend to trigger headaches or make me feel ill, even ones that I think are pleasant. And on some bad days, some smells that are usually ok, aren’t. Please don’t ____ (use perfume/spray airfreshener/burn candles) when I’m around, as much as I like them, they make me sick.”

      Most people are understanding, I’ve worked in scent-free offices, and my friends have no problem accommodating me. They understand that I’m not insulting them, just trying to keep myself from getting ill.

    7. JustEm*

      Pregnancy is the *perfect* excuse! My mother in law used to give us flowers that triggered my migraines, but when I was pregnant we asked for scent-free and then just said I’ve stayed sensitive. It was great way not to make it obvious that all the prior flowers were a problem — everyone knows pregnant women are sensitive to smells.

    8. SG*

      I would recommend saying something before you see her even once, so that you don’t have to suffer through a first visit. Just say you’ve found yourself very sensitive to scents to the point of them making you physically ill, and could she please not wear any perfumes or anything heavily scented for your visits. Honestly, although I understand your apprehension or awkwardness, you are making this bigger in your head than it needs to be. Just ask!

    9. LemonLyman*

      I’d just tell her ahead of time that the pregnancy has really made you adverse to scents and that you’d appreciate it if she didn’t wear any strong scents such as perfume. This way you’re not feeling like you’re picking on that particular scent. (I this makes me think of that scene from the Office.)

    10. Observer*

      I think the issue should not be a big deal, as long as you communicate it right. So, I wouldn’t say “I don’t like it” because that implies judgement. Instead just tell her that the scent causes a reaction in you.

      It seems to me that “it makes me nauseous” often comes off also as a judgement about how awful something is. And because scent can be very personal, people can sometimes read that kind of intention even when you absolutely do not mean that. But when you say something like “my pregnancy is making me sensitive to a lot of normal smells” or even “I seem to be oddly sensitive to this particular scent” that’s clearly not about your friend using a “bad” scent.

      I do agree with everyone else – DO tell her. Because when it’s so bad that you think of it as the price for occasional admission, that is going to get in the way of being able to spend time together. And that would be a real shame.

    11. beach read*

      I wouldn’t use the pregnancy as an excuse because you won’t always be pregnant and using that as an excuse doesn’t deliver the message as being an ongoing problem. I’d tell my friend how happy I was they were back, how I looked forward to seeing them. I’d say at that point “There is something important I need to talk with you about.” and then I’d tell the truth about the allergy to her perfume, explain why you never said anything before and ask them not to wear it when you are together. If this friend is a good friend, they will be ok with your telling them and they will not continue to wear the perfume when seeing you. If they don’t react well that is a shame. Either way you won’t be suffering any more.

      1. Chief Petty Officer Tabby*

        This us what I do, beach read — I just say it. Kindly, but I tell them. Typically, people respond very well to “Oh, hey, my weird body is not able to tolerate x perfume, which sucks because man, it smells absolutely wonderful on you!”

    1. Expiring Cat Memes*

      I feel like I’ve missed something crucial… who is this new cat and how long have they been here?! And I feel like the tongue sticking out is only a brief intro to a much bigger personality…

        2. Cj*

          I thought it was probably Eve, but there’s something about the picture that I wonder too if it was a new cat.

    1. LemonLyman*

      I love when animals blep! I was at the zoo a few months back (all outdoors = activity for me as an immunosuppressed person!) and one of the lionesses was sound asleep and her tongue was sticking every so slightly out! I couldn’t help myself and excitedly exclaimed “Awww! She’s blepping!” and a young woman with her SO turned around and happily states behind her mask, “That’s what I was just saying!” Both of our SOs gave us looks like they had no clue what we were talking about but we both kept cooing about the sweet blep. I love having these types of little positive connections with strangers!

  15. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

    I was the runner who posted the question a few weeks ago asking if it was crazy to deliberately plan to quit at the 17-mile mark of the Brooklyn Marathon. Turns out the race organizers solved the dilemma for me: They were unable to get the Coney Island section of the race (the big draw for me) permitted, and the second half of the revised marathon course is positively hideous, so I switched my registration to the half-marathon.

    In a large way, I’m actually relieved. I don’t think the competitive part of me would have actually let me shut down at mile 17, and I was behind schedule in training. At this point, a half-marathon is a much better fit for me, as a number of commenters said on my original post.

    But a smaller part of me… is kind of ticked off that this organization put the race up for sale when its amazing course was still, apparently, just a proposed route. The rational part of me knows how hard it is to get a race on the streets of a major city permitted, and I have no doubt COVID complications have made things a thousand times worse. On the other hand, I feel like I was sweet-talked into investing in a highly speculative stock, and my investment tanked.

    Runners (or cyclists, triathletes etc.) of AAM, I’m curious… have you ever had a course route drastically change on you when you were in the middle of training? Did it ruin your whole race experience, or did you make lemonade out of lemons?

    1. I was told there would be llamas*

      There have been marathons completely cancelled right before the race…there was one recently, Charleston I think that was cancelled like 1-2 weeks before the race…that’s a lot worse than a course change…so I’d say the course change is disappointing but at least you’re not training for nothing :)

      1. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

        Yup — I remember I knew several people who were planning to run the NYC Marathon in 2012 only to have it canceled at the almost literal last minute by Superstorm Sandy. To say they were devastated would be an understatement. I had a bit of that happen to me in 2018, when I planned to run the Philadelphia Marathon but got knocked out by a knee injury five days before the race. I enjoyed the training runs, so it wasn’t a total loss, but still.

        The half-marathon course for this race actually looks pretty cool — the same changes that basically torpedoed the full marathon actually made the half-marathon better. So this isn’t a total loss, either.

        1. Observer*

          Yeah, well Sandy was a different situation. This was something that no one at all could have planned for. No one made any mistakes – except for the Mayor who should have cancelled IMMEDIATELY instead of dithering over it. But even that can be chalked up to just the scope of the whole mess.

    2. Camelid coordinator*

      I haven’t had that happen to me, but I have definitely been disappointed in courses that seemed like they’d be in or near nature and then really weren’t. I am glad this worked out ok for you, I wasn’t sure you’d stop after 17 miles. Enjoy the half!

    3. University Schlep*

      yeah, it wasn’t the race organizer’s fault, I was signed up for a beautiful half through woods and wine country, and a couple weeks before the race a section of the road collapsed due to mudslides so they moved the whole race to the same route as an ugly half I had deliberately not signed up for because I did it once and found it monotonous (an out and back through the warehouse district -flat grey and with so few turns it felt like running on a treadmill – but super deserted on weekends so easy to permit) . They did offer to defer the entry to any other race they did for 12 months – they do about 6 a year, but I needed a half in my marathon training that weekend so grey and uninspired it was.

      1. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

        A wine country half marathon sounds pretty amazing. I’m sorry it never happened — the alternative sounds terrible!

    4. Triathlete of AAM*

      I had a half marathon course change at nearly the last minute when spring flooding put part of the proposed course underwater. A bike trail encircled the city and the original course was the more scenic and lower lying southern half of the loop. At the last minute, flooding forced to race to the less scenic and more elevated northern half. No one, including me, was happy, but in a situation with nature misbehaving we understood and made lemonade. (Also got snowed on, but that would have happened regardless of the route.)

      A triathlon had the swim cancelled when the lake went anaerobic leading to a huge and disgusting fish kill. Another triathlon moved completely close to the race when the lake got too much toxic blue green algae. I can deal fine if it’s a nature/act of God type problem, but I think I’d be much more upset if it was poor planning or human error.

      1. Observer*

        I can deal fine if it’s a nature/act of God type problem, but I think I’d be much more upset if it was poor planning or human error.

        I’m not a runner, but this makes a lot of sense to me.

    5. Double A*

      This isn’t a course that changed, but there was this gorgeous half marathon that I ran multiple times and I swore someday I’d do the full. When I finally did, the first half of the route just wasn’t very interesting or pretty, so it was just kind of a letdown. All that anticipation for nothing!

    6. LGC*

      Oh man, I wish I’d seen your earlier question!

      Anyway, I haven’t had that issue yet…mostly because my target races tend to be really established. (For marathons: NYC 2x, Boston 2x and going for #3 this spring, and then my first marathon was New Jersey in 2018.) Probably the closest I’ve come was 2020, when my club’s half marathon needed to run a drastically different course. (Usually, it’d start from the mall and go into the park; that year, it had to be entirely in the park, and go in the opposite direction from its usual route. Which makes it more difficult.) But in that case…it was 2020, I had been recovering from various injuries anyway, so I didn’t have any expectations for the race. I was honestly just surprised that we’d been able to get permits from the county!

      (Context: I’m from New Jersey. So after the spring of 2020, local officials were extremely cautious. But then in the fall, case rates had been relatively low – up until November or so. And the race happened in October.)

      For what it’s worth, I ran 4 minutes slower than my PR that year. But that was mostly based off of not fully training. And I was just happy to be able to run in person. And…like, I’ll be honest, I don’t necessarily think too much about the course. If something drastic happens (like NYC Half changing from being relatively flat and down the west side of Manhattan in 2017 to being a two-borough race that’s hilly in 2018), that’s more of a, “okay, gotta adjust strategy then.”

      Kind of inside baseball (as another NYC area runner): I think another issue is that NYCRUNS is an upstart race organizer (NYRR is the big gorilla in New York – to wit, I’ve done multiple NYRR races, but haven’t had a chance to do any NYCRUNS races yet). I’m not expecting NYRR’s Brooklyn Half to have to make any changes, for example. And you’re also right about permits being a pain in general – while my club was able to return to its old course this year, and the NJ circuit was able to run most of their races eventually, the New Jersey Marathon is looking for an entirely new location after Long Branch refused to give it permits this year. (Which I’m really sad about! I have fond memories of that race.) I’m hoping that it’s less of an issue now, especially since NY Marathon went off pretty smoothly.

      1. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

        Yeah, that thought crossed my mind with NYCRUNS. It’s not their fault, but the end result is that I don’t really want to sign up for any of their races far in advance anymore. The problem is, close to race day, the races get much more expensive.

        It’s all kind of a moot point anyway as I got so used to running my own courses on my own schedule during the pandemic that I think my days of running races are about over. I found I didn’t miss the whole experience of waking up super early and struggling with early morning weekend transit, increasingly obnoxious security procedures, standing in a huge crowd of people far more competitive than me, etc. But this course was too good to pass up — and the half marathon that hopefully will turn out to be the finalized route still looks pretty sweet.

        Too bad about the New Jersey Marathon. That was a terrific race. I ran it twice; one was my career best race and the other was my worst. I wish them luck getting it relocated.

        1. LGC*

          *looks at beat-up pair of Diadoras from pacing the NJ half marathon in 2019*

          I was actually supposed to pace the half again in 2020 and 2021 and then…you know. Actually, NJ would have been an even better example (as the race was entirely cancelled), but…in that case, it was kind of a relief. I had Boston scheduled six days before it would have been run this year, and Boston ended up doing such a number on me I don’t think I could have run a half six days later. (I did manage to do that double in 2019, but in that case there were 13 days between, which makes a big difference.)

          I’m actually a bit glad to get back into in-person racing, but that’s largely because I enjoy the stuff around it. (Mostly the finish. I joked to my running group that I’m the guy people make the “there’s bananas at the end” signs for this week.) Like, I’ll run a virtual race…but it just doesn’t feel the same, and then you have to organize the afterparty. For me, it’s just like a fast long run.

    7. newbie*

      I’ve done plenty of races where I never bothered to check what the course actually is – just follow the signs. That said, I’ve never been into giant “experience” type races.

    8. Mama Sarah*

      I love the challenges of adapting to the landscape and trying to run even splits…the latter of which might get more of my attention on race day.

      I did the first half of the California International Marathon. So awesome to be in our Capital city with so many amazing runners and tremendous community support…but miles 6 to 10 (and a lot of mile 11!) were all rolling hills on pavement, just one after another. I had visualize a good climb or two and then some flats. After that surprise (I still made it to mile 13 under 1:50, so I was happy), I decided to definitely read course reviews before signing up (or at least before race day!). Pear Blossom 10 miler in Medford, OR has a few miles that were total suburban blah…and then we rounded a corner and it was vistas, farms, and a four piece string band at the bottom of driveway before a nice hill at the turn around. I highly recommend this spring race.

      It’s totally fair to be one and done with a course.

      BTW – Good call on not planning to quit at mile 17!! Makes more sense to enjoy a quality training run without the fee and hustle and bustle.

  16. Loopy*

    SO much thanks to the many who commented last week on my body odor problem. I’ve employed a few of the ideas and am feeling much better.

    So now I have a fun question. I am traveling cross country (via plane) for a 5 day trip and hoping for all the packing tips. I love the idea of keeping it to a large backpack but am skeptical that’s possible. I have the compression packing cube things but this trip will call for an extra pair of shoes, an extra dress (for a potential nice dinner) and I’m stubbornly (so stubbornly) bringing a full hardcover library book I’m desperate to read.

    Also would love airport/plane travel hacks. It’ll be a long day both ways!

    1. Meh*

      Assuming you are going somewhere warmer/temperant then you shouldn’t have a lot of bulk. Pack things that are convertable/have double duty. A dress that you can put a shirt over to make a skirt combo. Roll everything. Stuff your socks/underwear/jewelry/night cream into your shoes. Wear your largest pieces on the plane – and prepare to wear them back – including shoes. If you do makeup can you put anything into smaller containers? Decanting the larger things helps.

    2. AnonNTA*

      I packed a 10-day trip to Rome in a regular size carry on plus personal item. Didn’t check a thing. There was no access to washers. I used Marie Kondo folding to maximize space. I don’t roll or lay flat. KonMarie all the way.

      Pretty sure I got three cotton shirts, three cashmere sweaters, three pairs of pants, one skirt, one dress, one rain coat, two pairs of shoes (Allbirds, flats, and dressy), socks, and undergarments in the soft shell carry on. My phone, laptop, camera, book, cords/earbuds, and liquids went into my personal item. On the way back, I had an extra pair of shoes, a scarf (wore it on the plane), a bottle of wine, rolled up art prints (the tube fit in my personal item drink pouch lol), and an extra book and it all fit. I had to ship a piece of original art home instead of taking it with me, but that was almost preferred. I wore some outfits twice.

      I also swear by Truffle clear pouches – I always put my liquids in their clarity travel case and use the tech pouch or clarity pouch large for charging cords.

        1. AnonNTA*

          It was duty free and in my carry on. Security didn’t care. I don’t know if I got lucky or if rules changed since then.

          1. AnonNTA*

            My SO just reminded me that I checked the carry on on the way back because of the wine. And that’s how it got all beat up. Which makes more sense. All I distinctly remember is packing the bottle between all my shirts and hoping it didn’t break or burst. It fit!!

    3. Falling Diphthong*

      Not sure if by large backpack you mean one that fits under the seat in front of you, or the top end of the carry-on range. I normally travel with a small backpack that can hold my reading material, laptop, and purse (for boarding), and a carry-on for the overhead bin. If I want to bring athletic gear (specifically my hiking poles, which don’t fit in a carry-on), or more warm outer layers than comfortably fit on my body for the flight, then I bite the bullet and pay for a checked bag. (Reminding myself that if the prices per flight had been $30 higher I wouldn’t have blinked.) And then pack efficiently with my spouse so we can fit all the bulky stuff between us into one big bag.

      I have been really happy with Osprey luggage–first got packs for a trip to Costa Rica, and later roll-aboards. They have the right amount of diverse pockets and handles.

      Note that roll-aboards are very useful for chugging through airports, and so ideal for plane->rental car->hotel door travel, but they don’t roll nearly so well on sidewalks and if you have to pick them up and carry them along the rugged path or up the stairs, then some of the packing space and weight is going to that wheel-and-handle assemblage.

      If you can do laundry at your destination, that lets you pack lighter.

    4. Glomarization, Esq.*

      Frequent-ish solo traveler. I always prefer to check a bag, and I include any checked bag fee in my planned budget for the trip. This lets me bring my preferred toiletry items in full sizes plus at least one extra pair of shoes. It also lets me keep my carry-on to a smaller size, and I don’t have to get stressed about competing for space in the overhead bins. Doesn’t mean that the bag I check is massive or bulky, though. It’s a convertible backpack-duffel that I can easily haul on my own along with my carry-on, including on public transit.

      For the plane ride I carry my laptop and a selection of magazines, newspaper crosswords, and books. (Often I’ll leave a book at my destination and pick up a replacement during the trip.)

      1. WellRed*

        This is me, right down the magazines and replacement books. I prefer to check a bag because, also, I often struggle to lift anything over my head. Especially when travel exhausted. I’m enjoying all the packing tips, however.

    5. Reba*

      If you have the space for a liquid in your carry on allotment, I like the Laundress wrinkle release spray. It works well on creases and I also use it to refresh clothes and get another wear out of them.

      Also, re: the hardback book — I understand this, I truly do and I have been there, but just keep weight in mind. You are planning to carry all this stuff *on your back* which can get fatiguing, and you need to be able to lift it overhead if you are going carry-on only.

      Have fun!

      1. Texan In Exile*

        And if it’s a library book, you can’t just leave it, so now it’s weight and bulk you have committed to for the return journey as well.

        May I suggest finding some used paperback books that you could read and leave behind? I grab books at my library book sale ($1 each) and then give them to the flight attendants or leave them at the hotel (lots of them have book exchanges) when I am done.

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          Also, if there’s a hiking whoops with water, mud or animals, it’s a lot less easy to laugh it off if you’ve damaged something belonging to someone else.

    6. No longer stinky*

      I also wanted to put in my thanks to the people that answered Loopy’s questions about body odor. I have had bad menopause body odor for years. Someone mentioned that it may be a bacterial issue. I started using Hibiclens (antibacterial wash) on my armpits and it is a game changer! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

    7. Suprisingly ADHD*

      Plane/car ride tip: create a “seat bag” that’s small enough you can put it down by your feet where you’re sitting. You want it to have everything you might need or want while travelling. Wallet/purse, phone (if it’s not in your pocket), charging cable/plug, portable battery charger, headphones, book, ziplock bag(s) of snacks, napkins/tissues, any medicines you might need, gloves, glasses, water bottle/tea/coffee/etc, sanitary products, map, tickets. Then you don’t need to worry about digging through your other luggage to find something you want right now.

      Airport tip: find a large travel mug that seals really really well (I recommend contigo, once it’s closed properly I can throw it in a bag upside down and shake it a bunch without losing a drop). Bring it through security empty. Most airports have bottle filling fountains, once you’ve passed security you can fill it. If you want tea, bring tea bags (in a ziplock or box) and a spoon and sugar. Most coffee shops will fill your mug with hot water if you ask politely, and you can make it to your taste.

      1. Happy Lurker*

        I am not much of a traveler, but did fly over the holidays. A very nice TSA agent told me that I could bring solid ice cubes through TSA as long as they were not melted. Easy enough, drink the melt out of my flask! I was so very happy.
        Also, I am sure that will change by the time I go through TSA again. ;)

    8. Travel much?*

      There are so many fun & helpful minimalist women packing videos. Grain of salt bc some of them are too minimalist. Like, I tried just 2 pairs of pants & it’s not enough. If you check a bag make sure you have in your carry-on: a change of clothes, toiletries, medications & anything else in case airline looses your bag. Use an e-reader loaded with tons of books instead of paperback books.

      To save toiletry space: tooth powder instead of toothpaste that takes up room in your liquid/gels bag. Scrape some stick deodorant into a small container like the Nordstrom makeup sample screw jars. Saves so much space instead of the whole stick & you can apply with your finger. SMALL containers of face lotions & other toiletries. Buy sunscreen there.

    9. Public Health Nerd*

      Laundromats with drop off service was awesome for a 10 day trip from US to Europe, and not very expensive. It meant that we could pack in carry on size backpacks and also have enough variety in clothes to cover the different weather. We would drop off the load in the morning, go do stuff during the day, and pick it up on the way back to the hotel.

    10. Koala dreams*

      Put some underwear and a toothbrush in your pockets or your carry-on bag in case your checked in bag gets delayed. If you have a big carry-on bag, put the most necessary things in an easy to reach place in case the plane will run out of space for carry-ons and you have to check the bag.

      If packing shoes, make sure to use the space inside the shoes too.

      If you are planning to walk a lot, bring plasters for your feet.

    11. SaltedChocolateChip*

      I’ve done 10 days with hiking boots and raincoat/layers with just a large (two big pocket) regular backpack before — you can do this! My best tip is if you have a thin daypack, too, pack that with some of the stuff you might want easier access to on the plane. Then, when you’re in your seat, slide the daypack out of the other pack — you should then be able to fit both under the seat in front of you easily and you can get your plane items out much more easily. And the daypack comes in handy for any outings during the trip.

      For the library book — see if it’s available in e-book from your library and get the Libby app for your phone or tablet! I love real books too but I can’t tell you happy I am every time a notification pops up that one of my holds has come in and I get to read it *right now*.

  17. Loopy*

    Hope it’s okay to post two questions in a row- this one is quite different. I saw a friend post a book called Laziness Does Not Exist by Devon Price. The idea of the book (which I recommend looking up as the online description is far better than what I would paraphrase!) really spoke to me, but so many books along these lines I’ve picked up just don’t quite acknowledge the realities of life. I am usually frustrated with some disconnect that keeps me from applying it to my own life (some real life unmovable barrier that self help books don’t acknowledge or gloss over).

    Has anyone read this? I really want to but curious if folks felt the book was actually something they could apply as someone living in the US?

    1. fposte*

      I think it’s a reasonable concept; productivity pressure is a real thing (if anybody reads Carolyn Hax, there was a letter writer who got super sucked in and almost lost his marriage over it). But I’m looking at the Amazon listing and, as a book reviewer myself, laughing at at least one of the review quotes they used. When you’re pulling out “It’s an accessible read,” that strongly suggests the rest of the review didn’t think much of the book.

      1. WellRed*

        Omg. What does accessible even mean in this context? Drives me crazy though maybe slightly less so than interactive, which it seems to be replacing as the marketspeak word du jour.

        1. fposte*

          I use “accessible” a fair bit as a book reviewer, though admittedly I was talking about books for youth; it usually means that the concept/theme/narrative would be graspable by less skilled readers, so my guess is that’s what was meant there. But if that’s the only good thing you could pull out of my review, it wasn’t a rave.

          1. WellRed*

            Our marketing dept recently used it as a descriptor for a package of articles to entice our subscribers and it annoyed me. Especially since I put together the package!

            2. fposte*

              Heh. Yes, it’s not a word I think of as enticing. It’s more akin to a restaurant review that calls the food “palatable.”

          2. Fae Kamen*

            I usually read it as praise, to suggest that the topic could otherwise be difficult and that this author has exercised a skill in articulating it clearly.

    2. Hlao-roo*

      I haven’t read the book, but I was curious so I read the NPR interview with Devon Price (I will link in a follow-up comment). Price does say:

      Most of us don’t have that ultimate freedom to walk away from things that are exhausting to us and just work at a much slower pace.

      Based on that single sentence, it looks to me that he does acknowledge that his advice can be difficult or impossible to implement at times.

      I did particularly like this paragraph:

      I think laziness really is this canary in a coal mine kind of emotion that tells us when our values are out of step with our actual lives. A lot of times we pour so much energy into being impressive at work, satisfying all the demands of our friends and family and just trying to overachieve in every possible way that we don’t really listen to that inner voice that tells us, “Here’s what matters most to me in my life. Here’s what I really believe in and value. And here’s how I really would live if I wasn’t just setting out to satisfy other people.”

      I do periodically take stock of how I am living my life and how I want to live my life. Usually, there’s a disconnect between the things I value and what I’m spending my time and energy on, so then I make adjustments big or small until I feel like I’m in a better place.

    3. Swift*

      I read it, and I thought it was great. It’s more scholarly than most other self-help books I’ve read. Very thoughtful, too. It’s been several months so I don’t remember the specifics, but it felt like it was speaking to actual issues and not just hyping the reader up. So yeah, I would recommend it, and I should probably reread it, thanks for the reminder.

    4. All Hail Queen Sally*

      Thanks for the recommendation! I looked this book up and just ordered my copy. I have been feeling “lazy” for quite some time. I hope this book will provide some insight into what is going on in my brain.

    5. doesn't comment often*

      I’ve read this book, and while the concept was appealing, I found it to be a disappointing read. It felt that many of the examples in the book were anecdotal (“I know about this because some of my friends and people I know have experienced it”) and pretty thin.

    6. Rebecca Stewart*

      I read it. I tend to agree with him. I am applying it, but by applying I mean I’m working to unpick the idea that if every single thing I do isn’t productive in some way I’m a massive slacker. (It’s okay to read here cause I learn things about the work world. It’s okay to stream podcasts on science while I fold laundry. It’s so not okay to spend the day videogaming even if my foot arthritis is flaring and I was out with people yesterday and my autistic self needs to take the weight off and recharge quietly in private.) This is stuff that I need to unpick for myself before I can really start trying to help others with it.

    7. Frankie Bergstein*

      I absolutely loved this book and felt so validated by it! It’s part of the reason I’m nursing burnout by relaxing on the couch this Sunday instead of stampeding through my to-do list.

  18. Dog Help Sought-Update*

    I was looking for advice about rehoming a friend’s 2-year-old husky dog, Ava, a couple of weeks ago. An update: new home has been found for her! Someone I know saw my post on Nextdoor and expressed interest. He has another husky (Stella) the same age who would benefit from a companion, a large yard with tall fencing, familiarity with the breed and typical issues (running, escaping, digging, high energy), a family that’s on board with having another dog, and intention to take both dogs to training classes this spring.

    I used much of the advice from experienced posters here, thank you all! (Also adapted “hiring” practices learned here on AAM.) We didn’t use a foster or rescue agency although that would have been the next step. She didn’t really need a temporary foster placement since my friend could keep her until we found the right place. I looked up application questions for other agencies and used them as a basis for a phone screening interview. Then we arranged home visit meet and greets with potential placements. One had insufficient fencing and young children who seemed overly aggressive with the dog. Another had an older husky who seemed a likely match but younger dog energy seemed overtaxing for him.

    Both Ava and her new dog sister, Stella, seem very happy with the arrangement. Ava loves to run with other dogs at the park but when she’s been alone in her own yard, she doesn’t play and run off as much energy by herself. Stella is similar. After their first home visit, both dogs slept for hours because they had played so hard together. These dogs seem to need to have a “pack” to fit into and it looks like they will fit the bill for each other.

    The new dog person was my contractor last year who renovated my bathroom. He had met Ava before when my friend brought her along on a visit. It’s interesting that a combination of tech (social media) and IRL relationships ultimately found a new place for Ava. I feel more confident that this will work out since I am more familiar with this person than I would be with just an interview.

    Now I have another old friend who wants to pursue her “life long dream” of getting a golden retriever puppy. I think it’s completely irresponsible when we’re too old to get a puppy, too disabled to properly care for a dog, and can’t afford it. (How do you even get a golden retriever puppy?) I feel bad that I didn’t push back more on my husky-rehoming friend a year ago when she decided to adopt Ava. Now I wonder how much to push back on my golden-dreaming friend. We’re all adults and I don’t have standing to put my foot down on other people’s life decisions… but I really don’t want to be helping rehome a one-year-old retriever a year from now either. Any advice?

    1. Purt’s Peas*

      I’d tell her, once, “sounds hard, so be very sure—I just had to help rehome a young dog and it stunk.” As you say she’s an adult so it’s her call, and it’s not cheap to get a golden retriever puppy so it might not happen.

      You also don’t have to be responsible for it if your friend does get a dog and does need to give it up. Shelters will not find it difficult to adopt out a young golden retriever.

      2. Observer*

        I’d tell her, once, “sounds hard, so be very sure—I just had to help rehome a young dog and it stunk.”

        This is exactly what I was thinking. It’s hard to push back, but you’re sharing a very recent and real experience which does shift things.

    2. Forensic13*

      Ask them why they want a puppy, specifically? There are so many older dogs up for adoption, and they are SO much easier to take care of. Then they can still get a retriever or mix thereof and have the experience, while making sure that they and the dog mesh with each other.

      1. anonymouse for this*

        I’ve always wanted a puppy. Then my friend rescued a stray puppy – possibly the mother was run over as it was found close to the highway. And I realized how much hard work it is. The puppy is lovely but it chewed everything and because it’s so young it hadn’t been socialized as much. The first couple of months have been exhausting. Now I’m leaning towards an older dog when I’m in a position to adopt a dog.

        1. AnonNTA*

          It gets better. Stick with the little one. :) We just survived two puppy phases. We adopted one of them at 5 weeks (mom abandoned and would not feed) and he was completely awful until, one day, at 8 months, he was suddenly potty trained, calm, and no longer eating everything (…except the TV remote; we need to hide that still). He is nearly 3 years old and I’m so happy we had him from an early age and was able to train him into the wonderful dog he is now. The Lab we adopted at 8 months, is almost 2 years now, and is still fully of puppy energy, but she’s been through a lot of trauma.

          1. AnonNTA*

            But I’ll add to that after reading more upthread about adopting older dogs instead of puppies…our first dog (Lab) was 4 years old when we got him, and our most beloved years with him were when he was 6-10 years old. He died at 10.5 years. After he died, I wanted to adopt a 7-year-old dog I saw online at the no-kill shelter, but my SO wanted a puppy. At the end of it, I’m happy with our dogs, but I would absolutely no question adopt an older dog again next time. The only caveat is that the puppy Lab we adopted would absolutely have been put down by the owners who were desperately trying to get rid of her. They were one day from going to the kill shelter, and she was a trainwreck in terms of behavior (because of them). I have no doubt that she would have been in and out and then down.

            1. anonymouse for this*

              My friend is keeping the puppy :0) We live abroad and she’s just finished her contract and so she’s taking her home with her and then will have the summer to spend with her and a trainer. So she’s currently running around sorting out vaccinations etc.

            2. Sloan Kittering*

              I just adopted a six year old dog and I wouldn’t change it for the world. Puppies are cute for about five minutes, but they’re completely exhausting. That’s twelve months of drama right there. If I had the urge to get a baby animal, kittens are so cute but a lot easier, and there’s no shortage of them come spring.

    3. Swisa*

      That’s so great about Ava!

      You say that “we’re” too old/disabled/not enough funds to get a puppy. Do you have an intimate knowledge of your friend to be sure of that? It seems like a stretch, unless you’re this person’s partner.

      I think it’s fine to ask a few questions, like their plans for potty training, exercise, vet care ($$(, etc, and even to mention the Ava situation, but if they still seem set on it, I’d let it be.

      1. Dog Help Sought-Update*

        Yes, I do, having been involved in their efforts to find housing, get SSDI, etc., over the last couple of years. I exaggerate saying “we’re” disabled… I am ambulatory but with an osteoporosis diagnosis I’m reluctant to get knocked down since I would likely break something. This friend is barely ambulatory, better on good days but some days barely out of bed. She could not take a dog for a walk. The age thing is more of an opinion but I don’t think it’s good to take in an animal with a life expectancy longer than your own, without some solid backup plan for the animal.

        You are correct that I should probably not push on this, and let reality take its course. Thanks!

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          Oof. Yeah, the ambulatory thing is huge with most dog breeds, and certainly with a golden retriever. I like Purt’s suggestion to bring it up once, using rehoming Ava as a personal example.

        2. Sloan Kittering*

          Oh man that’s so tough, almost any dog, even a senior dog, will probably want walks. And you can pay a dog walker but that’s money coming out of the budget. I totally sympathize with the pain of a life long dream that never quite happened.

        3. Seeking Second Childhood*

          Is she mobile enough to be a dog sitter? My mother loved her occasional chance to have a dog in the house again with no long-term commitment by letting us children & grandchildren know that she’d take a housebroken dog while we went on vacation. As she got older, she shortened it to long weekends.

          1. I take tea*

            This is a good idea! I know of a couple of elderly persons who look after dogs during the day, when the owner is at work. The walk them a bit, but mostly it is company for both, and the owner takes care of long runs and all other stuff.

            1. Falling Diphthong*

              I knew a young/old pair of neighbors who got a dog this way–one was around during the day for company, one was up for a good walk morning and evening.

          2. Observer*

            If days where she can barely get out of bed happen on a fairly frequent basis, I can’t see that being an option.

    4. Ali G*

      I am so happy for your friend and Ava! It sounds like you found a great place for her.
      Maybe suggest your other friend talk to the friend that had to rehome her dog about the realities of getting a puppy. If your friend has never had a dog before, they are probably wildly underestimating the expense, work and commitment.

    6. WellRed*

      Love the update! If you really want to talk your friend down from the golden puppy, maybe use the husky experience. I love my friend’s golden pup but she has only had cats and I think had she known the amount of work…(she’s and fit, but it’s a lot).

    7. Workerbee*

      In cases like these, where the type of animal wanted is not the type who would thrive—not just survive—in the environment, I speak from the animal’s perspective, as it were, to the well-meaning person. Here you’ve got a being who will be completely dependent on a big brained, big hearted person to do the right thing by him or her 24/7, 365ish days of the year, all life long in all stages of that life.

      Wanting is not enough. Love is not enough. And too many people still think “neglect” and “abuse” just mean things like not feeding properly (“Because of course I would!”) or not physically striking (“I would never hit an animal!”)

      We’re supposed to be the top of the food chain, intelligent lords of creation, so to me, we need to use our brains to recognize what our desires and actions really mean to those we put them upon. Better the animal never comes to a home where you already know he or she will need to be yanked out of one day and go through all that trauma of separation and rehoming, than to sit there and let it happen without even trying to provide an exhaustive list of Why This Isn’t Good For Anybody Involved.

    8. Cj*

      Puppies are hard! My husband and I have had 13 dogs in the 30 years that we have been married. We have had 3 to 5 at a time, all of them rescues or strays that just showed up, and none of them puppies.

      3 years ago we adopted a 7 year old German shepherd. He Is Awesome. His previous parents were 85 and 87 years old, and one of them had a stroke. His adoption fee was only $100, because he had just been to the vet and was current on all his shots, so the shelter didn’t have to invest a lot of money in his care. I’ve never priced what a purebred German Shepherd puppy would cost, because I’m not interested in buying one, but I imagine it would have been a lot of money, plus you would have had the initial costs that a puppy requires.

      If your friend has their heart set on a golden retriever, at least try to talk them out of getting a puppy. There are breed rescues where they could find an older Golden Retriever. The adoption fees from these rescues can be high, but all of their vet care has been taken care of.

      2. Cj*

        Out of curiosity I just Googled how much a German Shepherd puppy cost. I only looked at one breeders site, but they are over $3,000. Apparently the average golden retriever sells for 900 to $1,300. Do you have all your puppy vaccinations, getting them fixed, because please don’t breed them, excetera.

    9. Hotdog not dog*

      Might your friend be convinced to try a senior dog instead of a puppy? My mom has been a lifelong animal lover, and now that she has reached a stage in life where she can’t really keep up with a young pet, she’s been fostering seniors for her local shelter. They don’t require much, just love and basic care. The one she has now walks to the mailbox and back each day, and that’s enough exercise for both of them!
      Mom said it’s hard to say goodbye so often (sadly, most are not adopted) but she finds it rewarding to give them a good life for the time they have. Because she’s a foster, the dogs’ medical care and a stipend for food is provided by the shelter, so it makes it affordable for her to have them. It’s really a win for everyone.

    10. RagingADHD*

      If she brings it up, tell the Ava story and ask some clarifying questions about the realities of dog ownership.

      If she wants your help with stuff she can’t do, don’t volunteer and say no if asked.

      1. RagingADHD*

        Having read your comment about the friend being unable to walk and frequently bedridden, is this a fantasy of hers or an actual plan?

        You don’t have to rain on her parade if thinking and talking about a puppy just makes her happy. But you also don’t need to help her get one or figure out how to make it happen.

        1. Washi*

          I wondered this too. You say you’ve helped her find housing and get SSDI so you probably have a pretty good idea of what she’s able to do on her own. Obviously getting a puppy isn’t the same level of intensity as applying for SSDI, but it’s not like you just order one off Amazon either.

          I have friends who talk about making a documentary, or taking a year off to travel, or various other things that are certainly acheivable but seem likely at this point to stay as fun daydreams.

    1. Pumpernickel Princess*

      Probably not what you’re looking for but I’ve been very interested in buckwheat pillows and mattresses for a while now. They’re supposed to be hypoallergenic and good ergonomically, although a bit noisy and expensive.

      I’m not sure of the brand, but I asked a chiropractor for a pillow recommendation a few years ago and LOVE mine. It’s a huge memory foam pillow and so comfortable that I can’t sleep on anything else.

    2. Falling Diphthong*

      We now have a variety of Tempurpedic pillows. I like the memory foam, and you can try them out in the store.

      Mixed in with softer pillows from Target–again, being able to pick the best one by feel was big to me.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        Should note some of the Tempurpedics have a cooling gel layer which my husband liked in theory but found too heavy in practice.

    3. Dwight Schrute*

      I love my original purple pillow! My boyfriend has the purple harmony pillow and he loves that one too. Check out Freakin Reviews on YouTube. He does a fair amount of pillow reviews and they’re pretty in depth

      1. Chaordic One*

        They are becoming a bit hard to find. IMHO the man who runs the company is a horrible person (an opinion shared by many other people). Many stores are now refusing to carry “MyPillow.” OTOH, as a result, there are now a lot of “MyPillows” on sale at various outlet stores at significantly discounted prices.

        1. Constance Lloyd*

          One Fresh Pillow is an excellent sedition-free alternative ;) The firmness is different on each side, with one side designed for side sleeping and the other for back sleeping.

    7. Bluey Christine Heeler*

      I have Malouf gel dough pillow. I find it’s supportive enough for side sleeping without being too big for sleeping on my back.

    8. Sundial*

      Depending on your price range, Sleep Number pillows are a treasure. I splurged as a gift for my insomniac husband, and he swears it makes a difference. He has the TrueTemp Ultimate.

    9. Pippa K*

      For side sleepers I can strongly recommend this (full name so you can google it): Sleep Innovations Versacurve Multi-Position Curved Memory Foam Pillow.

    10. ronda*

      I just got a big u shaped pregnancy pillow and rather like it. I saw one reviewer said they added extra stuffing (shredded memory foam) and I might do that. I like side support no matter which way I turn. It does take up a lot of room on the bed. The filling is not memory foam but pretty good for now.

      I also got a camping sized memory foam pillow and a square memory foam pillow(for side sleeping) I like them pretty well. small enough to just support the head. the target regular pillows were getting too flat and not enough support.

      I tried buckwheat, it was way too hard for me. I tried a water filled pillow, it was way to heavy for me.

    11. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I’m a fan of feather pillows. IKEA has a wide range, and they last ridiculously long. Don’t believe the people who say you can’t wash them yourself. Yes it works best in a front loader, but if you put two in at once for balance you can even use a top loader. The trick is drying them extremely well. I wash & dry them with an old sneaker. The sneaker goes right into the dryer with them. (Dryer balls are not heavy enough.)
      I also get over cautious and leave them in a hot sunny window or next to the furnace for a few days.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        I’ll also point out that feather is natural material, and all those foams are from a nonrenewable resource.

    12. Alex*

      This is such a subjective thing, but I recently purchased some relatively cheap shredded memory foam pillows on amazon and have been very pleased. I like them because you can change the firmness. The brand was ASHOMELI and they were $40 for two. I like them better than some more expensive pillows I have.

    13. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

      My sleepy brain somehow read this as “bad pillow recommendations”. Ha! I was going to say, don’t use your cat as a pillow.

    14. Chauncy Gardener*

      Just was at a hotel and they had WONDERFUL pillows! The Sahara Nights by Sobel Westex (yes, we loved them so much we took the pillowcases off to check out the label) We are currently scoping them out online.

  20. Alice*

    Still trying to buy a flat. No joy with the place I saw today, it was beautiful but had one major flaw that is a dealbreaker for me. It’s hard because I want to buy in a specific small area that’s very pricey, so that limits my options. I need to compromise on something — either look a little further away or expand my budget. Anyone else house hunting and wants to commiserate with me?

    1. Dark Macadamia*

      I started looking in April last year, thinking we’d be moved into a house by the end of summer. Looked at over 30 places, made several offers, and now I think we’ll be in this apartment forever :( We’re in a very competitive HCOL area and barely anything meeting our criteria has been listed since October! I’m not even excited for a house anymore, just desperate to get out of our current place that we kind of settled for on the assumption it was temporary.

    2. Golden French Fry*

      We’re kind of house hunting in a pricey area as well. I love our current apartment but we got it during COVID rates, and I doubt we’ll be able to renew the lease for anywhere close in rent.

      Some of my favorite houses we’ve seen are in districts with poorly rated schools (I’m currently pregnant so its not an immediate concern, but I don’t want it to be a problem if/when we want to sell the house). And some houses in our budget would take a bit more work than I’m able to finance right now. There’s so much that goes into house hunting – I totally feel you in having to compromise!

      1. Dark Macadamia*

        Look into why they’re poorly rated before writing them off. If you look at places like GreatSchool their rating is almost entirely standardized test scores, which tells you nothing about safety, culture, or teacher quality. I like Niche because it accounts for more factors and is more transparent about how they determine their scores.

        If the whole district is known to be bad, that’s probably true, but if it’s one low-scoring school in a decent district it’s often something like having a bigger ESL population whose test scores are affected by language barriers.

        1. Golden French Fry*

          Thank you. I have looked into it beyond the scores, and unfortunately I keep seeing reviews about apathy from administration regarding bullying, physical fighting, and weapons being brought to school.

          We’ll probably move well before my kid enters middle school, and my husband and I could probably supplement against any academic gaps until then. So I’m not sure what we’ll do. I was bullied starting in kindergarten, so seeing in the reviews over and over that the admin doesn’t address it sets me on edge a bit.

          1. Dark Macadamia*

            Oh yikes, yeah that’s a whole different problem. I live in a great district and I often see parents being like “why is this school so bad? I can’t send my darling there!” based on almost no information so my impulse is always to question what gives someone that impression :)

    3. Let me be dark and twisty*

      I’m exactly in your shoes – the area I’m looking at is small, but it’s also very desirable and very competitive so who knows what will happen. I could do a few tradeoffs and compromise but I’m not sure if I’m ready for that as looking further away means a longer commute to the office and my commute is already about an hour each way. (Looking closer to the office means I’d need a bigger budget or sacrificing square footage.)

      I’m also in a high COL area too where my single income isn’t good enough and it is frustrating. I was commiserating with a friend about it and we think there should be some kind of dating app that matches single people based on their house-wants list so they can get married for the home benefit.

    4. Filosofickle*

      Oh my god yes. It’s SO hard. Just a few months ago it was a uncomfortable stretch but doable, but there was a winter surge in pricing where I am (already one of the top real estate markets in the world) plus interest rates have gone up. It’s still going to be possible but will involve even more compromises — I was already barely willing to move to an area I didn’t love but was targeting very specific spots within that city so it still felt good to me. I will definitely have to give that up or go even farther AND expand my budget now. And maybe take on more repairs, too! It’s so so hard. It doesn’t feel smart to stretch myself this far financially, but there’s also no reason to expect prices to come down so what’s my alternative? Housing will just be even higher here in a few years. My rent goes up every year, too.

    5. Alexis Rosay*

      All I can say is, compromise isn’t always bad. My husband and I bought in an area very far off the trendy/cute/desirable areas of our HCOL city that we originally wanted to stay in…and now I really love where we live and don’t want to go back to living in those areas. The house definitely has its pluses and minuses, but it feels like home.

  21. Swisa*

    Any tips to get through a busy and uncertain (but not bad) season?

    My husband is going through a dramatic job change (will hopefully be good, with a raise and better working conditions, just not sure of the specifics of the transition), so we’ve been staying up late interview prepping, readying the resume (using Alison’s book!), etc. We’re at the peak of a time sensitive hobby (think beer that’s ready to be bottled), the in laws are coming over, and we have family obligations for the next couple weekends after that. The preschooler is busy being a preschooler, and we have to get a (relatively small) amount of valentine’s ready for his class. And this is my busy season at work.

    I feel a bit like my head might explode – no rest for the weary right now. Any tips of getting through the slog of the next few weeks is appreciated!

    1. Falling Diphthong*

      I’m going to pull out the preschool Valentines as something to make sure happens this weekend. This one-off special-school-day celebration stuff can be big to some kids. And sometimes you don’t know who cares and how much until you’re in the classroom observing.

      1. Swisa*

        Yeah it’s definitely all going to get done! It’s more about figuring out stamina. My son is super excited about his celebration and I want to support that.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      I have a friend who has visitors all the time. It’s to the point that she can barely live life. It might be time to start saying no to company, at least for a bit. If you know then end is in sight regarding the parade of company, that might help.

      The other thing I like to look at is the concept of doubling up. Would an inlaw help your kiddo with their Valentines stuff while you do something else? OTOH, would a family member be willing to help bottle beer? Nothing to make a habit of for sure as it is free labor, but maybe one time to help move though a tight spot?

      1. Swisa*

        We actually really rarely have company, with covid. This was unfortunately just a stars aligning situation.
        We had already planned a day trip this month see my brother and exchange Christmas gifts (we didn’t want to see them in January because of omicron). And then my uncle randomly invited us down to stay with them on a different weekend, when we haven’t seen them since January 2019, and it can only be this month due to it being the only month their Airbnb is available. And the in laws was just a last minute day thing that was rescheduled from a previous week.
        So- all good things, but just trying to figure out stamina. Actually currently in the bath, now that the in law visit is done, so enjoying a break ;).

      2. Swisa*

        And agree about looking to the end of things. I think things will be much chiller a month from now! It does help.

    3. Camelid coordinator*

      I’m in one of those seasons right now. I keep reminding myself that I’ll get through this because I have before. Also, while I know things will be amazing in June, I am looking at short-term accomplishments and celebrating them when I get there. For me the sad part is that all of the extra stuff is eating into my exercise time!

      1. Swisa*

        Thank you!!! I like the short term accomplishment thing. I think that will help. Good luck with your busy season!!!

    4. WellRed*

      Stop staying up late to interview and resume prep. There’s only such much that helps. Pull back on family obligations if you can or yes, have in-laws help with (store bought) valentines.

      1. Swisa*

        Thankfully the job stuff, at least our part, is over (just sent thank you emails). It was a lot of stuff that had to get done, like my husband’s resume hadn’t been updated for a few years, and a company asked for a copy. Just stuff that had to be cranked through.

        It was hard to find easy Valentine’s available for pickup, but I was able to get to a drugstore yesterday and got some simple ones that we need to address.

        The family stuff is all good, just busy.

        But I’m about to take a break for an hour or so with a book, and looking forward to that!

  22. Dwight Schrute*

    Any tips for camping in cooler weather? I’ll be tent camping next weekend with two of my dogs. The nighttime temp will be in the 30s and day time will be in the 50s. I have bought a set of long underwear, hand warmers, hot water bottles, and plan to take a lot of blankets. Anything I’m missing?

    1. Pumpernickel Princess*

      Are you using just blankets for sleeping or will you bring a sleeping bag? I usually wear a hat or hood when it gets cold at night to keep my head warm.

      What’s your sleeping pad/mattress situation? Having lots of warm insulation underneath you will keep the cold ground from stealing your warmth at night. Cheap foam roll-up pads are great for this! Maybe you are already aware but this was definitely a learning curve for me when I started cooler weather camping.

      Have fun!!!

      1. Dwight Schrute*

        Thank you! Yes I have a queen size sleeping bag I’m planning on putting into the mix and I’ll be on a queen size air mattress

        1. Generic Name*

          If it’s just you in the sleeping bag, you will freeze. A down mummy bag for 1 person would be warmer. Also, the air mattress will make you cold as well. The air in it will be the same as the surrounding air, and will make you colder. A closed cell foam pad would be warmer. You could put it on top of the air mattress so you don’t sacrifice comfort.

          2. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

            Yep, I have slept on an air mattress in cold weather and it does NOTHING to keep you warm. You will need as many blankets underneath you as you need on top of you. Roll up in them like a burrito. I had probably at least 6 good blankets and was rolled up in them so just my mouth stuck out and that was enough. And this was merely unheated indoors.

            The more air you have in your sleeping bag with you, the colder you will be. Bigger is not better, as long as it fits.

            Will the dogs snuggle up with you under the covers? That will help.

            A hot water bottle for the feet is amazing at helping them keep warm.

            1. Dwight Schrute*

              I think they Will and both are pretty big! One is 55 lbs and the other is about 70lbs, so hopefully between both of them and two hot water bottles I’ll be ok

        2. DinosaurWrangler*

          Air mattresses are colder to sleep on because the air cools off quickly. You need to put an insulating layer (like a closed cell foam pad) between your sleeping bag and the air mattress. Even a space blanket will help.

          Also, bigger tents are colder than smaller tents – more air to heat.

          Long underwear is a good idea if you put it under polartec pants and top. Also socks and a hat.

          And a hint from old Girl Scout lore- don’t go to sleep in the same clothing you’ve worn all day. The layer next to your skin will have moisture from perspiration, and even if you don’t feel damp, the sweat will evaporate and make you cold, typically you’ll feel the effect around 3 a.m.

          1. Washi*

            Is this definitely true? Everything I’ve ever read about sleeping pads is that inflatable is warmer than foam. Is it different if it’s a mattress, not a sleeping pad?

            Also to me, nighttime lows in the 30s is…not that cold. I’ve backpacked in similar temps with just a foam sleeping pad and appropriately rated sleeping bag and been fine. Adding some extra blankets on top of that seems more than adequate to me!

            1. GOGO*

              Most backpacking air mattresses are also insulated. Even the simplest ones have some sort of R value rating (higher value = more insulation).

              I’m reading “queen size air mattress” to be a Coleman inflatable or something similar. Those have no insulation and will suck up all the cold from the ground. I’ve slept on one of those at around those temps with a low-temp rated sleeping bag and was still freezing. We’ve since switched to an insulated mattress with an R value around 6 and it’s much warmer.

        4. Rebecca Stewart*

          Get a space blanket…one of those mylar things…. and lay it down between the air mattress and your sleeping bag. That will keep it from stealing your heat.

      2. Girasol*

        I’d want an insulating mattress between me and the cold ground: closed cell foam (like Ridgerest or Ensolite) or inflatable foam (like Thermarest.) Even a thin one makes a world of difference. A cushioning mattress (air mattress or thick open celled foam) is helpful against pointy rocks but those don’t insulate, so you’ll still want an insulating pad underneath. A big warm stocking cap for sleeping is helpful if the sleeping bag doesn’t have a hood.

    2. Expiring Cat Memes*

      How big and what style is your tent? A smaller tent will retain your body warmth better, but will also be harder to get in and out of while staying completely dry. We have a 2-man hiking tent that’s been plenty warm with extra floor insulation and a couple of extra blankets on top in down to -2C, however getting up early morning or during the night for a bathroom break and trying to shimmy out without brushing past the icy-dew exterior tent flaps is almost impossible.

      Thing that always gets me is trying to wedge my socked foot into my sneakers with frozen fingers while awkwardly crabbing out the entrance, so I recommend a shoe or rubber boot that easily slides on for that. I’ve also bought cheap holed rubber mats for the entrance to keep wet grass and dirt down and they’re well worth it.

    4. WellRed*

      Is your sleeping bag rated for cold weather? Your clothing? How warm are your boots? Do you have hot food and beverage to prepare to warm and nourish?

      1. Dwight Schrute*

        Yes warm food will be taken care of! Lunch and dinner will be provided at the event so no worries there. My boots are winter ll bean boots so they should be plenty warm!

    5. crookedglasses*

      I always use toe warmers overnight when I’m camping in cold weather. They make a huge difference for me! It sounds like you’re able to haul in stuff without too much trouble, so don’t be shy about bringing foam or thick blankets to go under you as well as over you. Have fun!

    6. Sloan Kittering*

      Growing up we did a lot of ice camping. One old campers’ trick is to use the heated rocks from around the fire ring, carefully wrapped in newspaper. I’m sure it’s a bit of a fire risk (we often found the inner papers scorched) but man, putting the hot rock next to you or down at your feet was amazing. Maybe there’s a safer modern version of this.

    7. WoodswomanWrites*

      Have a great time!

      You want to avoid clothing made of cotton. It absorbs sweat and doesn’t dry and you’ll be chilled with that against your skin, even if you pile warm layers on top of it. Go for a wicking synthetic layer against your skin. Also, don’t forget to bring thermal bottoms and not just tops.

      For sleeping, thick wool or fleece socks keep your feet warm, separate ones that you haven’t worn all day. A warm hat is important. If you’re like me and roll around a lot in your sleep, it’s helpful to get a hat that ties under your chin so it doesn’t fall off in the middle of the night, or a balaclava.

      You mention being in a six-person tent. With that much space, the heat created by you and your dogs won’t warm it up at all. The temperature will be comparable to the outside air. As others have pointed out, an air mattress designed for an indoor space is not suitable for camping and you’ll be really cold all night. The warmest option is an inflatable camping mattress that also includes foam, designed specifically for this use to insulate you from the cold ground.

      A snack before bed also is a big help to give your body the fuel to stay warm.

      1. Free Meerkats*

        Came here to mention the cotton thing. Basically, if you’re going to be in cold weather, it’s wool or synthetics. Cotton Kills.

    8. Anono-me*

      Put tomorrow’s clothes in your sleeping bag at night, then change in the bag in the morning.

      Take some big chemical thermo patches with you. They are available at most drugstores. (You can get reusable big chemical thermo patches online if you have time.)

      Consider coats, boots, and extra food for the dogs if they are not already outside all of the time in similar conditions.

      Have fun.

    10. Dwight Schrute*

      Thank you everyone! I got a foam pad for the bed yesterday and I also have fleece neck gaitors and fleece lined slippers I can sleep in.

    11. just another bureaucrat*

      Go pee before bed, getting up in the middle of the night when it’s cold is really hard. If you do have to don’t just leave your blankets/sleeping bag folded back, fold them over to hold the heat as best you can especially if it’s a long walk.

      Wear your heavy duty wool socks to bed, I strong vote to put on the fresh pair before bed, not in the morning. And have an extra pair to wear on your hands if you get cold.

      Sounds like others have addressed the ground sucking the heat from you issue.

    12. Techie*

      Hi,
      Not sure if others have mentioned, but you’ll definitely need a sleeping pad with at least a 4.0 rating (in 30 degrees, basic air mattress won’t cut it), in fact, you may want to double up on a foam pad plus an inflatable. It’s also worth noting that those temp ratings you see on sleeping bags are measured assuming both a 4+ R sleep pad AND a person wearing a decent base layer (usually mid-weight merino). Also, it’s really important to stay dry, especially if your sleeping bag is down. A cheap fleece blanket on the floor of your tent is also great (and will protect it from sharp doggie nails). Dogs will similarly need sleeping pads & a good blanket/sleeping bag – their own or sharing yours. If you have a subscription to outside mag, check out Wes Siler. He has a ton of great camping advice.

    13. Ranon*

      Piece of rigid insulation to sit on does worlds to keep you warm in non tent circumstances (pink or blue tends to shed the least, at least an inch thick, 1.5+ better)

  23. Petirrojo*

    I’m seeking reading recommendations for a book club! My wife and I are two queer women in a book club with a few straight women. After about a year and a half un the club, we are very, very very tired of reading books that center heterosexual relationships in this club. So I’m seeking recs of books that would be good for a book club and that are either queer or that dedicate very little space to romance/relationships. Any ideas?!?

    1. Petirrojo*

      I should add that we read the books in Spanish, so a published Spanish translation would be necessary for the club. But I’m also interested in any potential recs without such translations for myself!!

    2. Jen*

      What about the Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo? It’s a recent prominent book, I checked and it was translated into Spanish. And despite the title it does have a focus on a non-heterosexual relationship (trying to be as vague as I can to avoid spoilers).

    3. Llellayena*

      Santa Olivia by Jaqueline Carey and the sequel Saints Astray. It takes a little time to get to the relationship in the first book but the second book it’s basically a central theme.

    4. AY*

      My book club is doing Detransition, Baby this weekend, and it sounds perfect for you! It’s about a trans woman named Amy who then detransitions, going by Ames, and accidentally gets his boss pregnant. There are flashbacks to Amy’s prior relationship with Reese, also a trans woman, and the main action addresses how Reese, Ames, and Ames’s boss deal with the pregnancy. This book is warm, funny, and sharply observed. The author has a great sense of humor.

    5. Falling Diphthong*

      Trying to focus very much on the book club appropriate side:

      The House on the Cerulean Sea is centered on two gay men. (Who eventually get together, though that is not the primary focus of the book.)

      The Thursday Murder Club is about people in a retirement community. I bring it up here as the relationships that are centered are friendships, old and new. (And investigating murders.) People tend to have lost a spouse, or be in the process of doing that, so while it’s straight people the focus is less on finding that special pair bond and more on the poignancy of slipping toward an end after decades with one person.

    6. GoryDetails*

      Some that I’ve enjoyed:

      THE CITY WE BECAME by N. K. Jemesin: a kind of love-song to the diversity of New York City, including its troubled history as well as the more hopeful aspects, with a fantasy-quest element. I found this one really enjoyable and surprising.

      YA:

      Seanan McGuire’s “Wayward Children” series, starting with EVERY HEART A DOORWAY – a diverse cast, including a trans-boy and an asexual protagonist, with riffs on those “gateway to another world” fantasy tales.

      THEY BOTH DIE AT THE END by Adam Silvera – this one’s a tearjerker indeed, but I really loved it; a multi-viewpoint look at a growing friendship between two teenaged boys who know they are going to die within the next 24 hours. [Kind of a weird SF/fantasy plot about this “when you will die” knowledge – makes no sense but serves as an interesting plot-driver.]

      Science fiction:

      MACHINE by Elizabeth Bear – lots of diverse characters (human and alien), with a protagonist who has an ex-wife and child in her background (not part of the main plot but it informs a lot of her choices).

      ASCENSION by Jacqueline Koyanagi – space-opera with a rather desperate mechanic-heroine who finds herself working with a polyamorous and somewhat piratical spaceship crew.

      2. Dark Macadamia*

        “They Both Die at the End” is so, so good. It’ll make you cry but it mostly feels like a rom-com.

    7. CatCat*

      I’m not sure if it’s offered in Spanish (maybe… the book is set in a fictional Latin American setting), but “We Set the Dark on Fire” and its sequel “We Unleash the Merciless Storm.” Focus is on two women and revolution in an oppressive society where the upper echelon men have two wives. (It is not ABOUT that marital relationship, the dude is relatively unimportant to the story. It’s really about these two women, societal expectations, and revolutionary forces.)

    8. Hlao-roo*

      I don’t know if any of these have Spanish language translations, but here are my book recs:

      My Brilliant Friend and The Lying Life of Adults by Elana Ferrante: not queer, but beautifully written books that capture what it is like to be a teenage girl.

      Drive Your Plow Over the Bones of the Dead by Olga Tokarczuk: also not queer, but not romance-centered. Part murder mystery, part fairy tale, very good.

      Of Fire and Stars by Audrey Coulthurst: a young adult book about a princess who is betrothed to a prince, but falls in love with his sister.

      Girls of Paper and Fire by Natasha Ngan: another queer young adult book, but definitely darker than Of Fire and Stars.

      Gideon the Ninth and Harrow the Ninth by Tamsyn Muir: best summed up as “lesbian necromancers explore a haunted gothic palace in space!”

      The City We Became by N. K. Jemesin: seconding GoryDetail’s recommendation of this book.

      Outlawed by Anna North: a novel about a gang of women in a slightly alternate reality American Wild West.

      Her Body and Other Parties by Carmen Maria Machado: a very good short story collection.

      What is Not Yours is Not Yours by Helen Oyeyemi: another short story selection I enjoyed reading.

      The Secret Diaries of Miss Anne Lister edited by Helena Whitbread: non-fiction, the edited diaries of Anne Lister, a lesbian in 19th century England. There are two volumes, published in English wit the subtitles I Know My Own Heart and No Priest But Love.

      Sophia Parnok: The Life and Work of Russia’s Sappho by Diana Lewis Burgin: non-fiction, a biography of Russian poet Sophia Parnok.

      Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe by Benjamin Alire Saenz: I have not read this yet, but several people have recommended it to me.

      She Who Became the Sun by Shelley Parker-Chan: I have not read this yet either, but it is on my list.

      I hope at least some of these work for you. Happy reading!

      1. Hlao-roo*

        Two more I forgot on my first list:

        The Price of Salt by Patricia Highsmith: the movie “Carol” was based on this novel about two women falling in love (the book may also be published under the title Carol). I recommend both the book and the movie.

        The Count of Monte Cristo by Alexandre Dumas: the main romances are all straight, or course, but one of the minor subplots is definitely queer. Impressive for a book published in the 1840s!

    9. Dark Macadamia*

      “The Once and Future Witches” by Alix E. Harrow – suffragettes and magic! Doesn’t focus much on romance but there’s a major queer character/relationship

    11. NeutralJanet*

      The Miseducation of Cameron Post, by Emily M Danforth – a coming of age story about a 12 year old girl coming to terms with being a lesbian, dealing with the death of her parents, and being sent to a conversion camp

      Under the Udala Trees, by Chinelo Okparanta – about a young girl growing up during the Nigerian Civil War coming to terms with her sexuality

      How We Fight for Our Lives, by Saeed Jones – an achingly beautiful memoir about growing up as a gay black man in Texas in the 1990s

      Tipping the Velvet, by Sarah Waters – set in 1890s, about a young woman who falls in love with a male impersonator and moves to London to be with her – warning that this book does have some sexually explicit scenes, which you may or may not be comfortable discussing in your book club, depending on what the book club culture is like. I also highly recommend Fingersmith by the same author – it’s set in the same time period and is a queer-themed crime novel with lots of twists and turns, but again, may be more sexually explicit than you’re comfortable with for your book club

      1. NeutralJanet*

        Eesh, completely missed the Spanish bit! I know that The Miseducation of Cameron Post has a Spanish translation, and I believe that both of the Sarah Waters books have Spanish translations, but I’m not too sure about the other two – definitely recommend reading both for yourself, though!

      2. Squirrel Nutkin*

        Also Sarah Waters’s *Fingersmith*. I think I see a Spanish translation on Kindle?
        Set in the 1860s, it’s like a Wilkie Collins novel (a total Victorian mind-!@#$@#$) with queer women as the protagonists. Content warning for violence, suicide, mean people, mental asylums, executions, etc. It will keep you up late reading. I’d personally suggest it whether your book club wants to read it or not!

        1. Squirrel Nutkin*

          Oh, I’m sorry, Janet — I should have read your comment more thoroughly, as I now see you also recommended *Fingersmith*. I heartily second it! : )

      3. Lemonwhirl*

        Also, Plain Bad Heroines by Emily Danforth is fantastic. It’s a big book with a lot going on. It tells two interwoven tales that feature a mysterious boarding school in New England. One story is set in the early 1900s, and the other story is about a modern day film crew trying to make a movie of the the story from the 1900s. It’s rich and delicate and so amazingly told. And it’s been translated into Spanish.

    12. Suprisingly ADHD*

      Hunger Pangs: True Love Bites, by Joy Demorra. From her description: “Phangs is a queer-polyamorous-paranormal-satirical-romance series featuring vampires, werewolves, and all other manner of creatures that go bump in the night. It has been described by those who have read it as being, ‘like reading the queer-goth-punk love child of Terry Pratchett meets Jane Austen.'”

      There’s two versions, one includes the sex scenes, and the other is fade-to-black. She’s got lots of ebook options, and paperbacks are available.

      Her site is joydemorra (dot) com

    13. Fellow Traveller*

      Not sure if they are available in Spanish, but two books with queer characters I really enjoyed lately:
      The Great Believers is a wonderful book set during the AIDS epidemic.
      Disoriental by Négar Djavadi, an Iranian-French author who grapples with her past and the history of Iran and life as a queer immigrant.

    14. Not A Grouse*

      I don’t know if it’s got a Spanish translation, but I highly highly recommend Ninefox Gambit (and the whole Machineries of Empire series) by Yoon Ha Lee. SciFi with epic concepts, detailed political intrigue, and awesome worldbuilding. None of the main characters are straight, a number are gender non-conforming, and while there’s no central romance, it shows romances and other relationships as a part of life. The central relationship is more of a coworkers-type relationship. The whole thing is just SO COOL!

    15. Fulana del Tal*

      If you haven’t already read it “Song of Achilles” and it’s also available in Spanish.

    16. PostalMixup*

      It’s may not be a book club rec, because it’s a series, but Ancillary Justice (and sequels) are set in a far future civilization that has no gender. “She” is the only pronoun, people wear whatever they want regardless of biological sex, and relationships occur regardless of biological sex. It’s simply not something anyone cares about. I’m not sure you ever actually learn the biological sex of most of the characters. It looks like it’s been translated into Spanish.

    17. Miel*

      Oh my goodness! Would you like to read about Uruguayan lesbians, in a novel translated by the author herself?

      Cantoras: Una Novela, por Carolina De Robertis

      It is an absolutely beautiful book. It’s about found family and surviving under military dictatorship and art and love and breakups and more love. It follows a group of five friends over several decades, from young adults living under the dictatorship to older adults in near present day.

      That being said:
      1) it is written in rioplatense Spanish, the Uruguay/ Argentina dialect, so some words and verb forms (voseo) might be unfamiliar.
      2) big content warning for violence, homophobia, conversion therapy, rape, and suicide.

    18. Miel*

      Cantoras: Una Novela, por Carolina De Robertis is a beautiful book that follows five friends (all queer women) from their young adulthood under the military dictatorship to the present day. It’s about found family, love, art, and survival, and I loved it. The author translated it to Spanish herself.

      That being said:
      1) it’s written in rioplatense Spanish so some words may be unfamiliar. I wouldn’t expect this to be a dealbreaker for your group, but heads up.
      2) content warning for violence, homophobia, rape, and suicide. The book deals with heavy stuff.

    20. Bluebell*

      Not sure if it is available in translation yet, but I loved Skye Falling by Mia McKenzie. Also second Outlawed by Anna North, and Upright Women Wanted by Sarah Gailey.

    21. Cleo*

      It’s such an exciting time for queer fiction right now! Here are a few that I don’t think have been recommended yet, that I think are book club appropriate. Not sure if they’re all available in Spanish.

      Honey Girl by Morgan Rogers. Coming of age story about a bi-racial lesbian who’s just graduated with her PhD in astronomy, goes to Vegas and wakes up hungover and married to a woman she doesn’t remember meeting. Not the fluffy romance that that description implies. This book got tons of buzz and I thought it mostly lived up to the hype.

      One Last Stop by Casey McQuiston – a young bi woman moves to NY and literally runs into a beautiful butch woman on the train. One of several lesbian time travel novels that have come out recently and one of my favorite. (The very best one is This is How You Lose the Time War but I’m not sure it’d work translated.)

      Boyfriend Material by Alexis Hall – like a queer Hugh Grant rom com

      Anything by Leah Thompson – she writes excellent queer YA.

      Ramona Blue by Julie Murphy – YA, about a teenage lesbian who falls for a boy (but stays queer)

      The Seafarers Kiss by Julia Embers – queer retelling / reimagining of the little mermaid, with Vikings. Darker than the cover implies. CW for pregnancy loss.

    22. Alexis Rosay*

      If it’s translated into Spanish, I’d highly recommend Detransition, Baby by Torrey Peters. It’s about a cis woman, a trans woman, and a detransitioned trans woman who contemplate starting a family as a parenting triad.

    23. Petirrojo*

      Thank you all so much! I’ve looked through all the recommendations I hadn’t read yet, and there are so many great choices! I’ve chosen five that are available in Spanish and that I think the club might like (unfortunately they’re not super fond of fantasy–but I am, so I’m super excited for those recs!) and hopefully one of them works out:

      -Drive Your Plow Over the Bones of the Dead
      -Under the Udala Trees
      -Song of Achilles
      -This is How You Lose the Time War
      -Cantoras: a Novel

      Thank you all so much!

      1. Patty Mayonnaise*

        Gonna throw out one more idea: Little Eyes by Samantha Schweblen. It’s speculative fiction about social media (very Black Mirror, if that would help sell it to your book club) and the original is in Spanish, so you’d definitely find a translation.

    24. Cher Horowitz*

      Light from Uncommon Stars by Ryka Aoki – it does not have a Spanish edition yet but it may be coming soon (fingers crossed)

  24. Expiring Cat Memes*

    Ever had a conversation with a close friend along the lines of: “Friend, I love you dearly but you’re being an unreasonable jerk about everything and to everyone right now and you need to sort your shit out if you don’t want to do permanent damage to your relationships.”

    If so, how did it go? Both the conversation and the outcome?

    My instinct and experience is that the healthiest thing (for the relationship and for me) is to take a step back, don’t engage with the jerk behaviour and let them calm down on their own before tentatively reengaging.

    In this instance I also recognise the behaviour as a cry for help and feel utterly crap about not stepping up to support someone so important to me (this isn’t their usual MO). However doing so would also draw a bandwidth I don’t currently have, and, without going into a bunch of detail, the jerk behaviour hits close to home in a way that means I can’t be the unconditionally understanding, sympathetic ear they likely want – so my support would have to come with a conversation like this.

    If it’s someone you don’t have necessary life overlap with (like a partner or family) is the conversation ever worth having?

    1. Purt’s Peas*

      I had a similar conversation with a friend, and it both really ruined our friendship for a while—still hasn’t fully recovered—and sent her to the therapy she really needed.

      If you have this conversation I would suggest keeping it specific and personal to you, and how your friend is treating you.

      “Friend, I’m worried about you and feel like you’re hurting, but jerk behavior 1 and jerk behavior 2 make me very uncomfortable/hurt/on edge.”

      After this, it is helpful I think to ask for what you want them to do, aside from “Just get better now.” Do you want the jerk behavior to stop? Do you want an apology for something they’ve done? Do you want to pull back from the friendship? Do you want them to stop asking for support of their behavior?

      “I’d like an apology.” or, “You don’t need to apologize to me, but I can’t be the one you text after you do jerk behavior 1 anymore.”

      This is a real request, but it also clearly paints a way out of the conflict and into a sturdy friendship again.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Oh this one hits close to home atm. My good friend is having difficulty with her life-long friend. We are talking over 60 years of friendship.

      One suggestion I had is to say, “Jane, you are not sounding like you. What’s up?”

      I see about not wanting to get involved in an on-going problem/situation. And actually this is probably wise.
      This is the part that deserves time and careful consideration before you start the conversation. Figure out what you are willing to do out of respect for the friendship. Be able to state in words what your limits are.
      It’s okay for the list to be random because you need a fair idea of all the different things that you consider reasonable.

      So here’s some of the things on my Reasonable List.
      I will help drive them to random (but not recurring) doctors’ appointments.
      I will not loan money but I will help look for grants, government programs etc that are situation appropriate.
      I will not help solve their problem, but I will help look for a professional relevant to their concern.
      I am not willing to listen to vents, but I am most willing to listen to progress reports. I am good with cheering on any progress.
      I won’t put up with verbal/psychological abuse that is a deal breaker. Stop it or we are done. (Physical abuse including breaking my belongings or endangering my pets is a cold hard stop in the moment it happens. I only need to see this once.)

      Now. If you have read my list and shook your head all the way through it- you might be done right now. Here is something my wise friend showed me: Sometimes we need to get out of the way so REAL help can get in to the matters. We can think we are befriending a person, or we are supporting them by maintaining the friendship and really all we are doing is enabling their problems to persist. We are in the way of attaining real help.

      You would best know what makes sense here. But this could boil down to saying, “Friend, I am not going to be spoken to/treated in this manner. I understand that things are choppy for you. I still want to be your friend, but until you deal with the matters at hand I think it is best that we give each other a bit of space for the time being.”

      This one can go many different ways, it could be a wake-up call or it could be a good-bye to the friendship call or maybe something in between. In the end, you cannot allow yourself to be someone’s punching bag because their life sucks.

    3. fposte*

      Looking at it from a workplace standpoint, it’s too broad and non-actionable; it’s not useful feedback. If you’re going to do it, focus on the “you” part. “I can’t be the audience for your issues with Jane anymore; I don’t agree with you and while I love you as a friend, I can’t support what you’re doing here.” Or “I’ve gotten three texts from you today demanding that I answer; that freaks me out, so I’m going to take a texting break from you. I’ll call you/see you on [Day].”

      Or, looking now upon refresh, I really like Purt’s Peas’ suggestions. The one thing I would differ on is that asking for an apology rarely has the result one hopes, and if you get an eyeroll and an “Okay, fine, I’m sorry,” what do you want to do now?

      1. Anon for this*

        I have a friend who is going through a rough phase. They did something out of line and I asked for an apology. I didn’t want to get into why they behaved that way. So an apology helped. But I also thought carefully before asking for an apology and what I would do with one.

    4. Briefly Anon*

      I wish I had. I didn’t, and I eventually had to draw a firm boundary that ended a 15-year close friendship.

      More recently, my husband was using me as a feelings-dumping ground/pacifier and being really negative and grouchy most of the time, and it was not working well for either of us. I tried the “how can I help” and “what do you need from me” and the answer was…not great (essentially, “I need you to be an unending source of soothing emotional energy without making demands of your own” which like, no.) I love the man dearly and recognize that he isn’t at his best right now, so I framed what I said as, “I love you, I’m so sorry that you aren’t happy right now, here are all the stressors that I recognize are impacting you, and I cannot offer you the kind of emotional support that you need. I can’t manage when you do XYZ, because I have ABC needs.” We both cried and it wasn’t a fun conversation, but after a few similar conversations it got better.

    5. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I did, about a dozen times in different ways, in person, via email, text/chat, you name it, and nothing changed, even when I explicitly said “If [specific behavior] continues, I will not be able to remain in a friendship with you.” It resulted in me terminating the friendship and … to this day, six years later, they still insist they don’t understand what the problem was and that I just ghosted them and they have no idea why.

    6. Sunflower*

      Can you suggest this person see a therapist? Therapy is not going to fix everything but when people start acting like this when it’s not typical behavior, it’s usually because they’re at some sort of breaking point and may need help- help that friends honestly can’t even provide. I think you calling out the problem as ‘you’re being a jerk’ period is probably not going to end well but if you come at them from a point of compassion, you may have more luck.

      If this friend is generally a kind, understanding person then it’s likely this is what’s happening and it’s not purposely. Doesn’t make it ok but it does make it easier to suggest she step back and sort some stuff out.

      ‘Hey Jane, you aren’t seeming like yourself lately. Is something bugging you?’. Whatever she says, reply along the lines of ‘Yea that seems tough, have you considered talking to someone?’ and share your own experiences.

      1. PT*

        I had a coworker who I used to talk to, who very desperately needed therapy, but obviously you can’t come out and tell your coworker that they need therapy. So I waited until she got on the topic of a relative she has a challenging relationship with, and said “Have you considered seeing a therapist for strategies to deal with Relative? I bet they would have some good suggestions.”

        My logic was, if that got her in the door with a therapist, the therapist would have a better sense of the big picture issues and handle them from there.

    7. Librarian of SHIELD*

      I’ve done it twice. The first time, the relationship turned out to be unsalvageable. The second time, things were uncomfortable for a while but we figured out a way to grow together and recover.

      I want to address your line about “you’re being an unreasonable jerk about everything and to everyone.” That’s not going to be a helpful idea to express. I don’t think there’s any way to frame that so your friend won’t take it as a major personal insult, and it’s probably going to be the fastest way to get them to stop listening to you. The key here is to be specific in describing how what they’re doing is affecting you.

      “Friend, I’ve noticed lately that you are [hurtful behavior] more often than you did in the past. When you do that, it makes me feel like [your reaction]. I know that you care about me and that you’re not trying to hurt me on purpose, but it does hurt me and I need [change in behavior].”

      They’re probably going to respond with some level of hurt. And that’s okay. They probably don’t realize that their problem behavior has escalated to this point or that other people are noticing and being hurt by it. It can be a blow to the ego to realize that the way you see yourself doesn’t line up with the way other people experience you. Just keep holding to your boundary. You care about them, but you are not the right audience for them to talk about this/do these things anymore and you need them to treat you in kind and respectful ways.

      I can’t promise it will work. But if you enjoyed having this person in your life before this and you think there’s a way back to a relationship that works for you both, I think it’s worth trying.

      1. Sloan Kittering*

        Right, I’ve heard that, in difficult statements, “I statements” and avoiding generalizations (meaning don’t say things like, “you never / you always” because it’s just going to derail the real issue) are the way to go. So “you are being a jerk about everything” is the opposite of that advice.

    8. AGD*

      Yes. I don’t regret it – the other person’s behavior had deteriorated badly – but I never really got a response, and the friendship fizzled out, just like that, after 20 years. What helps me is the realization that it wasn’t my speaking up that pulled things apart; that was happening anyway, though I don’t think I’m ever going to know why.

    9. Koala dreams*

      Support can come in different shapes. You can tell your friend that you won’t be their listening ear anymore, but you would like to send funny cat pictures, share cake recipes, play Uno online or do some other activity that doesn’t require too much talking.

      Good luck! Friendship is hard.

    10. Expiring Cat Memes*

      Interesting to see the responses. So far it’s confirming that were I to do it, I’d also need to be prepared for things to be awkward for a while, or even forever.

      Addressing the “you’re being an unreasonable jerk” line, I meant along the lines of as a general concept, not that I would literally say that! What I’d consider saying would be closer to “you are getting unreasonably worked up about things that are outside of anyone’s control and it’s not okay to take all your anger and frustration out on me.” It also sounds like she’s doing the same thing with her husband and family, and because of the context I’d feel compelled to add “and everyone else”. But of course, you’re all correct in suggesting that I should stay focused on the “me” statements as those other relationships are hers to manage.

      For some additional background, she took an extended holiday break, is frustrated with the increased parenting responsibility and boredom that comes with COVID life and is now dealing with it by lashing out at everyone who hasn’t made time for her. I get that it’s frustrating. But also, not everyone has the luxury of taking that amount of time off work and almost everyone has also been dealing with Major Life Stuff. Alarmingly, much of her anger and venting is directed towards those of us who are prioritising our time to deal with seriously ill or dying family members. She’s so worked up and in her own head that I don’t think she appreciates how out of line that is.

      I’m leaning towards taking a step back until she calms down. But I feel like she’s needling for attention (which I’ve seen with others can escalate to wanting ANY attention, good or bad) and that could mean the conversation is foisted on me anyway. I’m appreciating reading all your input so far about what I might say if it comes to that.

    11. Laura H.*

      I was the jerk friend in an online friendship.

      And I needed someone else to point that out to me. I wasn’t the victim and yea timing sucked but I’d like to think I realized my friendship was worth more than my pride.

      I needed to make changes all over the place and while it’s still very much a work in progress and the friendship isn’t as it once was, I want to preserve it and so does my friend- both to a point. Direct communication and to a smaller point doing it through an asynchronous method of a digital letter helped considerably.

      I’m ashamed of my behavior, and while I acknowledge the blemish I put there, I want to get past it and stop kicking myself over it.

      I understand that I’m not typical in this sort of thing but I hope it helps.

  25. Falling Diphthong*

    Recurring theme here, often for writers but encompassing other fields: Having ideas is easy. Some people can have half a dozen decent ideas with breakfast. Determining which ideas are worth pursuing, and then executing them well–that’s much harder.

    This week I checked out Single Drunk Female, comedy series on Hulu recommended last week here. I love it. Contrasted with two other series I’ve tried there–How I Met Your Father and Dollface–that are not hitting for me at all even though I like the premises on paper, and I think it comes down to the writing. Idea is fine, execution is lacking. Single Drunk Female never leaves me scratching my head thinking “Why does this character not know this?” or “Why was this interesting plotline introduced and then dropped cold?”

    Other things that have fallen into that “This is just so well executed, it’s beautiful” bucket:
    • Only Murders in the Building (the reason I added Hulu a month ago)
    • The Good Place (as much as I loved it, glad they were willing to wind things to an end)
    • His Dark Materials on HBO
    • Chernobyl on HBO (I am irked that they stopped offering this as a subscription on Amazon)
    • The Thursday Murder Club (book, multiple points of view investigating murders in a retirement community)

    Anyone want to share stories that are just executed beautifully? The initial idea might be not your thing (I don’t listen to true crime podcasts), but it was executed so well that the end result was a delight.

    1. fposte*

      I’m less enamored of the second season, but Rose Matafeo’s Starstruck breathed new life into the romcom cliché of famous man falls for not-at-all famous woman.

      Oh, and I’m not a horror person and I usually get bored by anything involving a fairy kingdom, but Peadar O Guilin’s book The Call is amazing.

      1. Felis alwayshungryis*

        That was a fun series! I must say, I think one series was enough to tell the story but I’ll check out the second.

        FWIW, I loved In the Long Run, with Idris Elba. It’s kind of autobiographical, but it’s got so much heart and a sense of fun (and a killer 80s soundtrack and costumes. And Bill Bailey!)

    2. CatCat*

      “The Power of the Dog” on Netflix. It is not a beautiful story, but it would say beautifully executed. It made me feel a little off-kilter throughout, which I’m certain was intentional by the move makers. They really evoked what I can only call “compelling discomfort.” It was one of those rare movies that left me thinking about it days after I saw it.

    3. RagingADHD*

      I loved Good Place right up to the last few episodes, but then it really felt like a cop out. They had a delicious and urgent dilemma, with lots of twists, and then it felt like the writers painted themselves into a corner and said, “well we’ll just walk on the wet paint anyway, because hey, paint footprints are actually great.”

    4. marvin the paranoid android*

      I am constantly being disappointed by great ideas that really fall flat in the execution, so this question speaks to me. I have a low tolerance for writers who have a good initial idea but completely fail to think it through.

      I really admire Natasha Pulley for her ability to take a high concept idea and make it feel lived in and natural. I think she also has a really great sense of how much information to reveal so that the reader is intrigued but not confused. That’s a really difficult skill. I would highly recommend any of her books, although fair warning, once you’ve read any one of them, it will probably spoil the others to some extent, so it’s best to read them in the order they were written. I don’t even like to describe what her books are about because the discovery is the best part.

    5. Forensic13*

      Russian Doll from a few years ago, which Netflix has announced a second season for finally!

      The documentary Screwball, which tells the story of the baseball steroid scandal—using kids for all the re-enactments. It seems like a gimmick but it’s actually amazing.

      Gosford Park and Knives Out, both nearly perfect mystery movies.

    6. Dark Macadamia*

      “We Run the Tides” by Vendela Vida. I felt like the book overall was a bit uneven – some chapters are great and others it’s like ugh, did we really need to spend time on this? But the way it ends is SO interesting and satisfying.

    7. Elizabeth West*

      I just finished bingeing Only Murders in the Building last night and I LOVED it. The premise was intriguing, the dialogue excellent, and the actors were all wonderful. I’d forgotten how much I love Steve Martin and Martin Short. Absolutely delightful show. Steve Martin tweeted a pic from the set of Season 2, so we’re getting more! \0/

      Chernobyl was also really well done if a bit exaggerated. I don’t have HBO but watched it via a friend.

      One show I saw during the pandemic and enjoyed more than I anticipated was Mr. Robot. I wasn’t sure if I would like it; the hacker thing seemed a bit overdone to me, and I didn’t like the trans woman as villain (although she was compelling, and at least they gave her a backstory) but doing it from Elliot’s unreliable viewpoint, wow.

    8. Ampersand*

      Fleabag, on Amazon Prime—written by and starring Phoebe Waller-Bridge. Though I wish there were more than two seasons, she wasn’t afraid to end it and be done and I can appreciate that. I don’t think the trailer does the show justice…I almost didn’t watch it after seeing the trailer! It turned out to be one of my favorites. I also love Only Murders in the Building and The Good Place (also Chernobyl, though it’s a very different kind of show). So if you like those, Fleabag may be your style.

  26. Anon for this one*

    How does one get rid of bad juju?

    Evidently I’ve done something to anger The Big Guy upstairs – injured my hand in Sept, broke my leg in Nov, and just this week, I was in a minor car accident. (No injuries in the accident, just a torn and smashed up bumper. I am more upset that this bad luck continues than I am over the accident.) Is saging yourself a thing? Do I need to burn an effigy of myself or dance around a fire pit chanting the Betty White/Proposal fire dance chant?

    1. Ali G*

      Well they say bad things come in three’s so maybe you’re done??
      I dunno, maybe just try slowing down and doing some mindfulness to recenter yourself. Maybe the universe isn’t mad at you, but wants you give yourself a break.

    2. Falling Diphthong*

      Just before the pandemic hit, I was diagnosed with two types of cancer. My mom passed away just as everyone got vaccinated.

      Sometimes you put your head down and trudge forward, having faith that eventually there will be another side to this statistical concentration of bad luck, and fate will waft along and focus their attention on someone else. I am glad I took advantage of counseling offered through my cancer center, and recommend that–it can be a one-time “Unload my stress and worry onto someone who is not emotionally connected to any of it, who will then recommend some coping mechanisms.”

      Also… those rituals can benefit just to the extent you get yourself into them. Like tying descriptions of your problems to a goat and then driving it out of the village. It’s like giving yourself a one hour timer to be really upset about something and cry and lecture a throw pillow with heartfelt zingers and eat an entire pint of Ben and Jerrys–but the deal is that when the timer dings you have to be done for today.

    3. c-*

      I’d look for practices that are open (so, no sage) and belonging to or related to your culture/religion (so they’ll be meaningful to you). What does your religion do in cases like these? Find out and do that. Don’t have a religion? Look for cultural practices for warding off evil that fit with your background.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      When I get a run of crappy stuff it can (but not always) mean I am distracted and not paying attention to what is right in front of me.

      When my presence of mind seems to be on vacation, I go back to the basics- adequate rest, whole foods and plenty of water. It starts with how we fuel our bodies.

      Concurrently, I decide that I am on a bad luck streak. This means I need to slow down and add extra time so I can concentrate better and really watch what I am doing. I would take each instance and say, what can I do differently? You can use these things to sharpen you, to tweak your game so you are going at life smarter and sharper.

      So for the car accident example, let’s say it is truly not your fault. This happens, it’s easy to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. So here, no matter the reason, one thing I might consider is can I change my route for a bit? Just to put myself in a different place and see how that goes. It could be that I leave earlier or later just to change the mix.

      I slipped on the stairs at work and had a hairline fracture of my finger. For such a little thing it was a real PITA.
      I decided that I could be more diligent about making sure those stairs were sanded.

      We can tweak what we are doing with out beating ourselves up about. “oh this is all my fault, blah, blah, blah”. OR we can cut to the chase by simply decide to make small changes. It’s a supportive activity because the injuries actually do hurt and who wants to do that again? And it’s also a way of taking back our power. That broken finger or broken leg can really blindside us and make us feel like things are not under control as they should be. We can use small changes to take back our power/our control.

      Definitely extra rest, though, above anything else here. This stuff can be very draining and then more stuff goes haywire because we are so drained from the previous stuff.

    6. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain*

      I think any symbolic thing you do respectfully can work, even if it’s not your usual belief; be open-minded: light a special candle/incense, make and drink/eat a special food, clean your entryway, spread salt at your doorstep, cleaning bath, symbolic sweeping of the home, hang dried herbs, wear of talisman of your own making, dance, if a chant works for you — do it. Again respectfully and open-minded because you may gain a new perspective in your current beliefs.

    7. Angstrom*

      I find it helps to do something nice for somebody else. It helps break the worry-spiral focus on “me”.

    8. Starstruck*

      I just want to say I read this as you angered your heavyset upstairs neighbor. Maybe hit the ceiling with your broom a few times? Or stop doing that if you’re already doing that?

    9. Sunshine*

      I vote for doing good acts. Like donate Nutella and diapers to the food pantry. And and building a gratitude practice.

    10. Cj*

      I lost my job the middle of November. Two days before Thanksgiving my husband broke his shoulder. On January 15th he tested positive for covid, and January 18th his dad died. We had to have our cat put to sleep last week. I feel your pain.

    11. MissGirl*

      I’m not someone who thinks everything happens for a reason. I think some things do and some things don’t. But one of the more useful lessons I learned when I was in a very bad spell (loved ones dying, two injuries with two surgeries, etc), is I asked myself what I could be learning or changing from all this.

      At the time I was in a dead-end job and dead-end personal life. I was using being active as a way to mask all the uncertainty. Being inactive took me to a little bit of a dark place, forcing me to face some uncomfortable truths. For instance after my last surgery, I sat in a work meeting and finally realized I couldn’t keep doing that job anymore. I made some huge life changes that have paid off.

      Now that I’m in a good place, I recognize that good times don’t last forever and I try to focus on how I can live my life fully during the good times and prepare for the bad times. I also try to check in more with myself so that I can recognize if I’m being complacent and pushing things down. I’m in therapy now, which is helpful to talk things out. I wish I’d had that during my dark spell.

    12. BadCultureFit*

      Every time I’ve felt similarly to this, I’ve gone to a few reiki sessions. Something about refocusing in my own energy and having someone help me shift it around really helps me feel more centered, more in control, more at peace. Maybe worth a shot!

      1. Chauncy Gardener*

        +1000 to Reiki! It really helps re-center me and get me back to a constructive, present place in my life

  27. Ali G*

    I just have to brag about my Old Man Dog. He’s 14+ and this week we went for his annual appointment to check his heart murmur. His condition continues to improve, even at his age! The vet was so impressed for the improvement at his age. She said he’s in the best condition she’s seen for being so old.
    We are still waiting to hear from the regular vet about his kidney levels, but I’m still really proud of my Old Man.
    Please join me in bragging about your pets (or kids!)!

    1. Falling Diphthong*

      I just got two of those “hunt for food” puzzles, an attempt to offer more engagement to younger dog who has been barking more. Got one for older dog because I didn’t want her to feel left out (though she has lost all interest in chew toys), and now that we have two young cats and a young dog she realized she might be food motivated, if the kitten is literally standing in her food bowl.

      Well. Older Dog was ON IT. Immediately figured out how to paw open the flaps and sliders and unearthed all her treats. Younger Dog stood with his tail between his leg and stared at the treat sitting uncovered in its little cup. He does not grasp this at all. (And he loves “pull the landsharks out of their boat” toys, but the parts all get chewed up.) Hoping he figures it out by observing Older Dog, but glad I tried something new with her even though she seems quite engaged with the “walk, nap, bark at UPS man or possible deer” schedule.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I am so glad that someone else has cats who stand in the dog’s food bowl too. It cracks me up. It was a raised feeder, so she’d climb up on the one side and stand in the empty food bowl to drink out of the water bowl on the other side. Confused the heck out of the Elder Statesdog though.

      2. mreasy*

        My cat has about 5 different food puzzles because he figures them out immediately! I guess we have a cat genius.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Yeah for the Old Man (Woman) Dogs!!!

      My guy will be turning 13 soon. He remains a power house. His vision is dimming, his hearing is going down but he never complains. He can still jump up on the bed which is half again his height from a standing start. He enjoys the heck out of company as he is very interactive with them.
      This dog was my wild child dog. The first two years were really rocky. Now he gives quick little “I love you” licks to people. He will stand beside a person and wrap his tail around their arm or leg as if to hug them. (I think he’s part monkey with that wrapping tail thing.)
      They sure can become our heroes and our inspiration.

    3. ecnaseener*

      Yay for Old Man!
      My old lady dog is also 14+ and going strong :) She throws out her back sometimes, and she spends a lot of time sleeping, but when she’s awake she’s still got near-puppy energy levels!

    4. Cj*

      We have three dogs, an 11 year old German Shepherd who acts like he is two, a 14 year old golden retriever mix who deaf, but it doesn’t really affect his quality of life, and a sixteen-year-old rat terrier / blue heeler cross who is blind from cataracts.

      The Golden retriever has slight kidney problems, so he’s on a special food. Other than that he is is perfectly healthy.

      Does 16 year old blind dog has no issues when blood tests are done. Despite her blindness, she gets along great in the house, as long as I don’t set something new down on the floor.

      Senior dogs are awesome. We’ve had the oldest two since they were a couple years old, but adopted the German Shepherd when he was 7 (almost 8). That’s quite senior for his breed, but he acts like a puppy, but without all the bad puppy have it’s like chewing.

    5. Hotdog not dog*

      Old Man Dogs are awesome! Best Good Dog is still going strong at 13-ish (he was adopted as an adult so our vet made an educated guess 6 years ago). He’s a working breed (siberian husky) and takes his job of walking his human daily very seriously! Bad weather is no excuse, we’ve barely missed a day in 6 years. Besides, there are neighbors to greet, smells to sniff, and spots to “mark”, who knows what state the neighborhood would fall into without his input!

    6. Double A*

      I’m talking a lot of my cat this weekend but she’s the best. She’s 17. A few months ago she started losing weight and eating less I took her in to the vet. The vet called her “amazing” because of what good shape she’s in. We had a few months of drama because her thyroid levels were a little high and the meds we used made her throw up, so we had to get her back to eating then on a topical thyroid med but now she’s putting on a little weight and the bald patch on her butt, which I thought was just going to be a permanent old cat thing, is growing back. So yeah, according to both vets she’s seen say she’s amazing, and every time she gets sick and I think this is probably a turn for the end, she bounces back.

    7. Meh*

      Oh! My Old Lady is 14 and went to the vet this week! A little hiccup with protein in her urine, but they said she doesn’t exhibit any other signs of kidney disease. Otherwise, she looks great

    8. Sloan Kittering*

      Oh man, I’m living for this thread right now, as I just adopted a six year old rescue mutt, who is quite big, and he’s healthy and full of life, but I’ve been bumming myself out with research about his possible breeds, and most of them only seem to live to be about ten. I thought we’d have more time together (like maybe he’d live to be twelve?), but the vet confirmed that ten was probably realistic for his size. So I love to hear of 14 year old german shepherds still going strong. I had only owned small dogs and cats before so I was not quite prepared for the short lifespans of large-ish dogs. Do you know, I read that Golden Retrievers previously lived longer than they currently do? Even in Europe they apparently live longer. They are quite prone to cancer in the US apparently.

    9. Rara Avis*

      Our new cat is getting braver. We finally gave her the run of the house (after a month) and her favorite spots are, of course, the ones that belong to cat #1. She adores him and wants to be friends; he’s not sure.

    10. Loopy*

      This thread gives me SO much joy. We have a much beloved dog turning 12 in September and he’s still healthy but it’s at the age you really start to worry about the looming decline. I adopted him around age 2 and my husband has been in the picture most of the years since, so he is pretty much a central part of our little family. I’m so comforted to hear of all these puppers going strong at 12, 13, 14!

      Our boy is currently on daily meds to keep his liver enzymes in check but is otherwise healthy, happy, and active!

  29. Let me be dark and twisty*

    Has anyone asked to see a different practitioner in the same practice than their regular one? Could you share any tips for a script? Context below—

    My issue is with the dental hygienist I see. I love my dentist and don’t want to change practices but I absolutely cannot hear or understand the hygienist who works on me. She is a very lovely girl but she is so soft-spoken and has a thick accent that I have to ask her to repeat herself constantly. I have asked her to speak louder or remove her mask, mentioning my deafness and pointing to my hearing aids but her “loud” still isn’t loud enough for me, especially when there are other people around us who are talking.

    1. Texan In Exile*

      I was pretty blunt: “No, thank you, I’d rather not see Liz again. I like to listen to music while they work and prefer a hygienist who doesn’t talk while she works.”

      They said “OK let’s try Margret.”

      And Margret has been my person ever since. I adore her.

    2. Healthcare Worker*

      I’ve changed hygienists before, too. When you’re scheduling explain your problem and ask for someone else, it shouldn’t be a problem.

    3. Deschain*

      I have a similar issue and my longtime dentist readily agreed to clean my teeth himself instead of me struggling with the hygienist. He’s done it twice now and it’s such a relief.

    4. Dark Macadamia*

      I just asked the receptionist if I could schedule my next appointment with someone different. In your case, “I’m deaf and she’s very soft-spoken, I hate to feel like I’m asking her to yell!”

    5. The teapots are on fire*

      Just say your thing, “I don’t hear very well and Martha has tried but can’t speak loudly enough for me to hear her. Can you suggest someone else?” It’s not personal, it’s business, and it’s about your needs as a patient, so don’t feel as if it’s going to be a big deal to anyone. Martha will probably be relieved as well.

    6. argh*

      dental offices are pretty used to people having a preference for hygenists. A quite word to the receptionist, and they’ll book you with a different hygenist.If the practice has more than one.

      1. Windchime*

        I was able to easily change hygenists at my dentist. I was paired with one gal who was super chatty and also very “jabby”. We just didn’t gel at all, so when I booked the next appointment, I said, “Could I book the next one with Jan?” And that’s how I ended up with Jan, who was/is excellent. Every time I book a return appointment, I make sure to specify that I want Jan and it’s not been a problem.

  30. Anonymous cat*

    I’m taking some time off from work and I’m a little worried about how I’ll fill my days.

    Anyone have any suggestions or advice from doing something similar?

    2. Anonymous cat*

      I should add I’m taking several weeks, not just a few days. I want to come back with a better plan for dealing with life and work, and to not worry through the whole thing.

    3. Hlao-roo*

      Because you’re taking several weeks, routines will probably be helpful. Bedtimes, meal times, wake up time so you don’t fall into a bad pattern of staying up too late and lazing around in bed all day (unless that’s your goal for this time off!). If you’re taking time off to decompress, I say do whatever you want for the first week and put routines in place for the following weeks.

      Are there places near where you live that you’ve always wanted to explore but haven’t had the time to? Put together a list so when you’re bored you can chose a place from your list. Or if there aren’t places you want to go, are there things you want to do? Take up a new hobby, read a book, put a meal prep plan together? Those can go on an “if I’m bored” list too.

    4. Anima*

      Oh, I feel you. Every time summer break finally hits I don’t know what to do with the 24 hours given to me at first. I allow me to do nothing the first few days, except the things I want to do that day. After a few days I seem to adjust and start to plan out what I want to do, often deep cleaning the flat, see people I didn’t have time for before (granted not in the panini), buy supplies for hobbys and then using those supplies up. Do all the stuff that fell off the plate before like repair things around the flat. But I also plan time to watch movies and shows I hadn’t had time before. So, after a while I get a new rhythm and the days don’t seem to be so long anymore and usually filled with stuff I tend to like. Does this sound good for you? It’s weeks summer break in my case too, so I hope this helps.

      1. AGD*

        Same. I have a very demanding day job in higher education. When I do get an occasional long break, I spend 24 hours pretty much just wandering around my house and staring at various walls. Then my brain thaws out a bit and I start cleaning, repairing, sorting, knitting, reading, Netflixing, and actually going out to do things in the city (or beyond).

        1. Forrest Rhodes*

          I agree with AGD. For the first day/couple of days, AnonCat, don’t program anything. Sleep until your natural rhythms wake you up, take a shower at whatever time of day you feel like it, don’t even get dressed until noon—or at all—if that’s what you feel like.

          Be kind to self and give yourself carte blanche as far as what you do or don’t do. Eliminate “But I HAVE to do (thing)” from your vocabulary for a bit.

          After a day or so, you’ll have unclenched and the “Aha!” thoughts will occur—you’ll recall some things you’ve always wanted to spend a little time on, and now you have the time.

          These unscheduled weeks are a real gift—let yourself relax and enjoy them.

          Good luck, and a beneficial break, to you!

    5. Dark Macadamia*

      Treat it like you’re visiting your own town on vacation – are there cool museums/zoos/attractions you never get around to seeing? Search for seasonal things you might not even know about, like street fairs, farm festivals, etc. Explore different parks, watch movies you haven’t gotten around to seeing, find some new recipes to try…

    7. Librarian of SHIELD*

      I do this a lot! I try to take at least one staycation a year, and each time I try to add on new ways of planning ahead to make my home life easier when work wears me out, and to create healthy habits for keeping work and home separate.

      Here are some of the things I’ve tried:

      1. Stick to my bedtime/sleeping routine, even though I’m not always going somewhere. If you don’t have a good routine in place, a few weeks off from work is a great time to establish one.
      2. Tackle the minor home organization stuff I’ve been meaning to do, but never have the energy when I’m going to work every day. Also a fun reason to order stuff from the Container Store.
      3. Try out new recipes so I know what’s feasible for a work night and how much prep everything takes.
      4. Schedule some kind of relaxation appointment. A massage, a facial, a one-on-one stretch session at the yoga studio, something that makes me feel good about being in my body.
      5. Establish a new skill or hobby. Youtube and the public library are full of resources if you want to learn how to do a cool new thing during your time off.

    8. Windchime*

      I recently retired and had the same concern at first. I have to say that having my time be my own has been a revelation. I usually sit and catch up on my internet stuff for a couple of hours when I first wake up. Then I shower and dress. Sometimes I do a household chore like vacuuming or laundry. Then lunch. The day just kind of progresses like that and it’s lovely; I can lay down in the afternoon and read/nap if I want. I have time to sew as much as I want.

      I guess what I am saying is, do what you want. You don’t necessarily need to make every minute “productive”, unless that’s what you want to do.

    9. marvin the paranoid android*

      This isn’t really practical advice, but every time I’ve had a bunch of unstructured time off lately I worried that I would get bored and it has not happened yet. I think many of us need more relaxation time than we’re getting, so I wouldn’t feel bad if you aren’t able to or don’t want to schedule every minute. You might find that it doesn’t take as much to occupy yourself as you think.

  31. Don't want a mom bod*

    From the time I started puberty, I’ve felt like I had a “mom” body (ie- matronly, broad shoulders, large chest) and it’s had a very negative affect on how I’ve seen myself. Looking like a “mom” as a middle school, high school, college student is not fun…
    I am about 5’2, so my bust size might look fine on a taller person, but I feel like the size makes me look shorter and larger than I actually am.
    So my question is this: Are there good quality bras that, like a sports bra, pull things in, lift up, and flatten?
    Honestly, I would want to get a reduction, but based on the research I’ve done, I wouldn’t be a candidate for that (less fatty tissue). Exercise doesn’t reduce the size, either, which is why I’m looking for any kinds of tips.

    I’ve heard about low cut or v-neck shirts, and I have tried v-neck shirts when I can find ones that fit, but it seems like scoop neck and high neck shirts are more popular.

    1. Julia*

      I’m in the UK and I don’t know if it’s the same elsewhere, but here you’d probably be looking for a minimiser bra. They are designed to support larger chest sizes while spreading the breast tissue out more to give a flatter profile and make the chest appear smaller.

      1. UKDancer*

        If you’re the UK I’d recommend going to Rigby & Peller. They have the best bra fitters I’ve come across. They fit the Queen amongst others. They’re really good at looking at you and working with you to find the sort of corsetry that works for your body needs.

        1. Tex*

          Try the Waocol Awareness minimizer. It’s Nordstrom’s most recommended minimizer.

          I would also suggest going for a fitting at a department store (Nordstroms or Dillards have been good in my experience) or an independent specialty lingerie store (not Victoria’s Secret). Having someone measure you and make recommendations is going to narrow down the search time considerably. And it’s a free service to make sure you get the right fit.

    2. B*

      Seek out ABRATHATFITS on reddit for a down the rabbit hole experience. The knowledge (and opinions) is vast. I will say that what makes me look “less” is a bra that pushes all the business forward instead of squishing to my sides while completely containing all tissue for that locked n loaded feeling.

      1. Don't want a mom bod*

        I have a few bras that push everything forward, but the only thing I don’t like is that it looks like I’m putting the goods on display. I need a lot of structure on the sides to keep everything in place, too.
        That sub has some good advice, I read through it from time to time.

    3. Anonie*

      I don’t have bra recommendations except to look at a minimized bra. I’m primarily commenting on the the shirt cut trend. Avoid trends in clothing. I don’t look good in scoop or crew neck shirts and so I wear v-neck and sometimes boatneck. I’m 30-something and don’t care what high schoolers and undergrads are wearing. Cropped shirts are in right now and it drives me nuts; I want enough shirt that I can at least French tuck if I want. What I’ve also found is that I’m a medium in shirt size…but all the fabric gets stuck on my boobs, so I size up to large or extra large to get the length, but then it looks baggy. When I buy high end, I buy larger and then get the item tailored to fit me. I realized this after following Fashion Jackson on Instagram- we are the same height, similar build, but she doesn’t have the same boob challenge I have. Tops that looked good on her looked terrible on me and then I figured out why.

      1. Don't want a mom bod*

        This has been my experience, too. I size up to fit my shoulders and bust and look for v-neck shirts, but since I don’t tailor my tops, they end up baggy in the waist area.
        With my body type, however, shorter tops tend to look better on me.
        I do agree with you about higher-end and tailoring. I love Zara and the GAP but can rarely find good, long-term items. I’m now coming to terms with that fact. *sigh*

    4. Golden French Fry*

      I’m 30E and have had great luck with the Panache brand (both regular and sports bras). I found my size on abrathatfits, and my chest looks quite a bit smaller now that I’m in a well-fitting bra.

      1. Don't want a mom bod*

        I’m a 32DD and this sounds exactly what I’m looking for. I’ve never heard of that brand, thanks for sharing.

    5. cat socks*

      Start with a proper bra fitting. The Reddit page mentioned above has instructions for how to measure yourself. Or if you feel comfortable, try an in person fitting at a place like Nordstrom or Soma. The blog Wardobe Oxygen has some good posts about bra fitting as well.

    6. Maryn B.*

      A bra that really fits will make a huge difference. The “mom” look is often due at least in part to a bra that lets your breasts rest lower than they should. I’m big (FF cup) and I can get bras that fit, just not in stores. (If you live in a city big enough to have a dedicated lingerie store, you may be luckier than I.) Among the offerings are minimizers, although that’s not what I buy.

      A good fit is fully comfortable, the support coming from the bra’s basic structure rather than hanging from the overworked straps denting your shoulders. It touches your sternum, no gap. The band is neither tight nor loose and it’s at the same level in the back as the front. I find bras with side support work best for me.

      Brands that offer large-breasted woman real support include Elomi, Fantasie, Goddess, Panache, and Freya. Websites that carry all or some of these include BareNecessities, FreshPair, and HerRoom. Some have a chat to help you get the fit right the first time.

      And yes, these bras are pretty, come in colors and prints, and are everything you’re happy to see in your lingerie drawer.

      1. Rekha3.14*

        Seconding some of these brands. I shop at Change in person, but they have things online. As noted, a good fitting bra can make a huge difference. I was a 34J and I found stuff that fit there and I felt really good in. A proper bra fitting is a MUST. I was so happy to find a store that carried multiple sizes, styles, and colours, that didn’t cost a fortune.

      2. Don't want a mom bod*

        I have heard about the bra touching the sternum, but the closest I can get are ones that are close to touching or that touch until I actually have to go out and move. I have wide-set boobs and also participated in many sports when I was younger (swim, gymnastics, etc.). I guess imagine a gymnast’s upper body, but with larger breasts and that comes close to what I’m working with. The shape is one that is bottom, not top, heavy. In their natural state, I feel like a kid who stuffed balloons down their shirt.

        With measuring, I’ve used abrathatfits along with measuring guidelines from Wacoal and other places. I get pretty consistent results. With that said, I have found that even within the same brand fittings can be wildly different. It looks like the consensus is to look for a specialty boutique for a “to be sure” fitting.

    7. marvin the paranoid android*

      I don’t know exactly what kind of look you’re going for, but if you’re interested in trying out a flatter chest, you could try looking at products that are mostly aimed at transmasculine people. I’d recommend Outplay as a brand that has a range of basically high compression sports bras, and you can go for more or less compression depending on what you’re interested in. I actually find them pretty comfortable. The main downside is that they don’t work under all types of clothing. I realize this might be slightly off track from what you’re looking for, but I just thought I’d mention it in case it interests you.

      1. Don't want a mom bod*

        Thank you, I will give them a check! I have a friend who would be interested in that site, too so this is great.

    8. Person from the Resume*

      I don’t think sports bras are the solution. I think they contribute to a frumpy body shape.

      1. Don't want a mom bod*

        Typical sports bras, yes. I should have explained that the one I use is a VS sports bra with an underwire and great support. I’ve worn it out when I’m not exercising and I love how everything is supported, kept in place, and doesn’t look overly “showy.” Unfortunately, it’s a bit tight, as sports bras tend to be.

        1. BraQueen*

          i find VS bras very unsupportive. I highly recommend Title 9 for sports bras, they have a lot of models. I also had surprisingly good luck with LuLuLemon sports bras — their front zip one in particular is nice with a heavy fabric that’s minimizing.

    9. mreasy*

      I love Enell sports bras for actual activity, but they are also flattening.

      And this isn’t what you asked, but my breasts are extremely fibrous and heavy, and I had a reduction last year.

  32. "New Normal?"*

    Have you said the phrase “adjusting to a new normal” to someone who is grieving? Or if you have lost a loved one, has someone said that to you? I was reading on a grief website that this is inappropriate to say to someone who is grieving. And I don’t understand why, and there was no further explanation. When you were grieving what did people said to you that was helpful? Were things said that were hurtful?
    I’m facing an impending death of a loved one and am giving this a lot of consideration. To me it seems I will be adjusting to a new normal, so I don’t understand why it would be considered offensive. I would appreciate your ideas and thoughts.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      This is something that I think varies from one person to another.

      I think a good thing to do is realize that “new normal” means mention of the future. When grief first hits, just getting through today can be an incredible challenge. Thinking of any time beyond today can be unimaginable.

      We can follow the lead of the grieving person. For example, if the grieving person is not talking about next week or next month, then we can do the same. We can remain aware that they may need x or y next week or next month but just not say it out loud because THEY aren’t there yet.

      I do know that time between the passing and the funeral can be so demanding and so grueling even mentioning groceries can cause a person to feel overloaded. We can take our cues from what the person thinks of to say.

      For me, in my loss (everyone is different) the most powerful thing I saw was people’s willingness to stand beside me even though they knew they could not “fix” this. Their courage in facing the Unfixable became my role model for finding my own courage.

      For some odd reason, I was able to see that people were trying the best they knew how so not too much bothered me. But one person got me. She was older than me by a couple decades, so I felt I could not respond to her. But she said, “He’s been gone two months. You have been moping around here for two months. You need to get over it and go find a new man.” She really made herself stand out because everyone else in my life was saying things along the lines of “you are the best judge of how your life should go”.

      I guess in short- ” adjusting to the new normal” is too far a reach when you can’t even get through the current day.
      After having lived it, I would say adjusting to the new normal took a few years. I kinda like the expression “building a new chapter in life”, as it seems to indicate an on-going and pro-active effort. OF course, others won’t like this. Everyone is different.

      1. allathian*

        Oh my, that one person was downright offensive. I’m so sorry that happened to you, and I wouldn’t blame you if you avoided her from now on.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          I did avoid her. Unfortunately she too lost her current SO a couple years later. That was sad. I saw her at the funeral and said I was sorry for her loss. Then I left. I saw her in passing a while later and I did not see a flicker of recognition on her face. And her happiness and smiles were gone.

          I can only conclude that she was very aware how life changes and tables turn. Perhaps her advice to was more about a terror inside her than it was anything to do with me. It took me a while to think of this, though.

      2. E. Chauvelin*

        I haven’t been told it in a grieving context, but what bothers me about the phrase “new normal” is that I hear it as implying that whatever the situation is in context will not get better in any way. If not that it’s permanent, then at least that it will take maybe a decade or several decades before anything improves at all. Just because whatever the old normal was won’t be back exactly the way it is doesn’t mean I want to hear that the current badness is so unlikely to become better that I should consider it normal.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          In that case it assumes that the “old normal” was preferable to the “new normal”. Which is probably true in those contexts. However, we get new normals all the time- such as when we marry, we add kids, we adopt pets, take new jobs, I could go on. These are things we choose to do but they too are new normals.

          Indeed, we use the term normalizing most it seems when we want to berate a new idea or concept. “Well we are just normalizing X, so now X is okay with everyone.”

          Changes we want vs changes inflicted on us are two way different animals.

    3. fposte*

      I think as the bereaved person, it’s always your prerogative not to consider something offensive. There are probably people who are genuinely comforted by “They’re in a better place now.”

      But if I were trying to support somebody grieving, I would be unlikely to use the words “adjust” or “normal.” It might be a different matter six months on with a friend I talk to all the time, but as a one-off, I don’t want to say anything that makes it sound like I’m treating grieving as a job, and while eventually most people do adjust to a new normal, when they’re in fresh grief it’s usually more important to acknowledge how abnormal things are. When I’ve just lost someone, I’m not worrying that I might not be okay, I want the world to be disordered by this wrong. Tell me you see how hard and terrible it is, not that I’ll get used to it.

      1. RagingADHD*

        I’m an example of a person who was very comforted by thinking of my loved one being in a better place and welcomed people saying that.

        In this situation, my loved one was experiencing horrible pain with no hope of recovery, and nearly her last lucid words were to the effect that she wanted to go be with Jesus already. So it was/is comforting to think that she is now happy.

        OTOH, if someone had tried to impose their own beliefs about death on me at that time, in contradiction to what I believe, or if the loss happened in a less obviously hopeless circumstance, that would be a cruel thing to do.

        Anything that addresses cosmic questions is totally a “know your audience” situation.

      2. ECHM*

        fposte, thank you for helping me put my finger on why it makes me so upset when I mention to my mother that a person I cared about died, and she says some variant of “it happens to everyone.”

    4. ecnaseener*

      My grandmother recently died, and my grandfather has said similar things about needing to adjust to a new normal. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that as a concept, when you lose someone who’s a major part of your life then of course you can’t get back to that old normalcy and you’ll eventually find your new rhythm.

      I’m guessing the website warned against a lot of variations on “telling a grieving person what to feel or what their experience will be,” because that’s generally a bad idea. So it’s not the new normal idea specifically, it’s the “don’t worry, you’ll get used to it” implication that comes through when a person outside your grief talks about you finding a new normal.

      Sending you a big internet hug. You get to feel whatever you feel.

    5. Charlotte*

      What people said that was helpful: “I’m so sorry.” “I brought this food – let me just put it in the freezer for you.” “I’m going to take the kids for a walk for a couple of hours, is there anything you want me to get while we’re out?” “I’m here, I’m listening.”

      What people said that was hurtful: “everything happens for a reason”. “God has a plan for all of us.” “You need to start moving on.” “Time heals all wounds.”

      “Adjusting to a new normal” is likely to be hurtful precisely because people know it, but everyone processes that at their own speed and doesn’t need to have it told to them by others. It comes across as indicating that grief is something you have to get over, that your focus should be on the future not the past (memories and history with the lost loved one), and as telling them how to deal with their loss. Those are not appropriate or kind things to say to someone.

      No one ever said it to me, thankfully, but if they had I would have been very upset. And furious. I didn’t want a “new normal”, I wanted him back. I didn’t want to adjust, to get over it, to move on. I wanted to hold on tight to what we had, to cling to my memories, to feel the pain and loss and horror of it all. I would have screamed in the face of someone trying to offer platitudes about adjusting to a new normal. It’s such a banal, pointless thing to say in the face of grief.

    6. Sunflower*

      I think people try too hard to say the perfect thing when there is no perfect thing so they say nothing at all. Nothing anyone says is going to take away the pain so esp when grief is new and raw, the best things to do is keep it simple, be supportive. I think a lot of people underestimate the value of a simple ‘I’m sorry, I’m thinking of you’. I think saying ‘everything happens for a reason’ is maybe the worst thing you can say to someone.

      Death is a funny thing. It affects people in ways you really can’t predict. I know when I dated someone, he didn’t want to accept that life would be different without loved one and I think part of the grieving process is accepting there will be a new normal which can be really hard to do in the immediate term. I think he thought after time, things would go back to normal and didn’t want to accept normal wasn’t going to be what it was before- he needed to cope with the new normal. I also think a reference to ‘the new normal’ can be interpreted by a grieving person as trying to forget the loved one existed if it’s given too soon.

      I follow Ashley Spivey (who was on the Bachelor years ago but now just posts interesting things) and I’ve learned a lot about grief from her account. She has been dealing with infertility issues, finally had a successful pregnancy and then her son died about 3 months prior to his due date. I have found a lot of her posts to be very eye opening- primarily around how many people are afraid to talk to her about her son.

    7. Healthcare Worker*

      Thank you everyone for your thoughtful responses! I hadn’t realized how this could be perceived, this really makes sense to me, that it’s telling someone how to feel. Fortunately I haven’t said this to anyone and won’t. I really like the phrase “building a new chapter of life” as a way to frame the changes I will be facing. I’ll check out Ashley Spivey’s writings. Hugs to all.

    8. Bibliovore*

      I think the answer is that as the grieving person, you get to decide “what is offensive”
      For me “the new normal” is hell. (Inside my head I am an a-hole “Thanks for reminding me.” No kidding, thanks for stating the obvious) on the other hand if it is another widow sharing their experience, I just think yep.
      At one point I made a list of things people said that I found offensive here are a few- he is in a better place, he didn’t suffer, he would want you to be happy, I can’t imagine what you are going through, (nor would I want you to) You had a great 30 years, I miss your smile, gee you look great, how are you doing in that big house all alone?, did he have life insurance? Are you going to retire? Are you going to move home (a place I hadn’t lived in 30 years) Do you think you will remarry?

      Things people have said and done that helped.
      Everyone on this blog who have shared their experience, strength, and hope.
      A friend who weekly texts and says, I am going to the grocery store- do you need anything. I text no, and she texts back bananas? orange juice? eggs? Milk. Oh yeah I could use those bananas.
      A friend who says, hey can I stop by for a bit and help open the mail? and she reminds me to pay the electric bill or that the property taxes are due.
      Another friend who texts that she is taking a walk with her dog, can she swing by for mine?
      Another friend who texts that she wants to come by to fold laundry (she LOVEs folding laundry. is that true, I don’t know but it certainly gets the laundry done and put away)
      Another friend who texts that her family is picking up Pho and would I like some and they will drop it by at 5.
      A neighbor who texts says she needs to get out of her house, do I have time for a walk at 1 -2 or 3-4 .
      A puppy mom who says she has to be out for a few hours tomorrow morning can she drop her puppy off at my house.

      People who have said- how has this day been going- and who are okay with me crying- again.
      people who don’t try to fix how I feel.

    9. Dark Macadamia*

      The only hurtful thing that was said to me, and the only specific thing I remember over a decade later: “It would be WRONG to be okay right now.”

      My mom had just died after several years of fighting cancer. Her last couple months were awful. I WAS okay because we’d been past the “maybe she’ll recover” point for awhile and in some ways it was a relief. We were all hugging and getting ready to leave the hospital and I asked my uncle (her BIL, not brother) if he was okay just as the sort of kind/caring filler you say when there’s nothing to say. And that’s how he responded. To someone grieving their MOM. He should’ve been asking ME how I was doing.

      I think it doesn’t matter what words are said as long as you follow Ring Theory (support flows inward toward the “epicenter” of grief) and give people space to feel how they feel, including how they react to specific comments.

      1. allathian*

        That sounds eminently sensible to me. I’m sorry your uncle by marriage was so insensitive.

        I’ve lost all of my grandparents, but I haven’t really grieved any of them. I certainly don’t remember feeling devastated by their deaths (more so by the grief of my parents), because all of them were so sick by the time they died that we had time to get used to the idea and to mourn them before they actually died, and none of them died young. I was 5 when my maternal grandpa died, and that’s when I realized that dead people don’t come back, and 25 when the last of my grandparents died. I’m sure it’ll be much worse for me when my parents and in-laws die regardless of how sick they are when it happens.

    10. Jackalope*

      My absolute least favorite “may this comment burn in flames of darkness forever” comment is, “God took this person because he needed a new angel.” I mean, in Christian theology (which is my religious background), God has been around for all of eternity and has literally BILLIONS of dead people to do angel-y things and spend time with, but somehow this one person that I’m close to absolutely had to be one of them?? This seems to be used more for someone who died at a younger age or died suddenly, so that makes it even worse.

      1. Healthcare Worker*

        Yes, this is a horrible thing to say! And so theologically unsound. I’m so sorry that happened to you.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        Adding people do not become angels. Only angels can be angels.

        So very much agree with you, Jackalope, not only does the person not know how this stuff works they also really don’t have anything to say. That is why they rely on the worn out angel thing.

        3. Not So NewReader*

          My father said to me when I was pretty little that sometimes God knows when we can no longer help the people we love here on earth. So he calls us home and we can help our loved ones from above.

          This is something very different than the angel thing. And I still think of him saying that 50 years later. He firmly believed we had “work” in heaven. And some of that work was to watch over our loved ones and help take care of them. Technically not theologically based, but it sure comforted me as I could still think of them as loving me and it was okay to keep loving them back.

    11. Not A Manager*

      I think the grieving person is allowed to think or say whatever they want. *I* need to adjust to a new normal us a fine thing to you. *You* need to adjust to a new normal might not be a fine thing to say.

      When I was grieving, one of the hardest things for me, paradoxically, were the brief moments of normalcy. When I’d be hungry and I’d eat something and it would taste delicious. When someone would say something funny and I would laugh. Those moments would arouse so many contradictory emotions in me, but one was a feeling of almost jealously holding on to my grief. A feeling that in the future, maybe I would live a normal life with normal emotions. It would hurt me to think of ever moving away from this intense grief.

      If someone had told me to adjust to a new normal, or even implied that someday I would inevitably adjust to a new normal, I think that would have aroused those same feelings. When I was deep in grief, I didn’t WANT to adjust to a new normal. I wanted to mourn the loss of the normal I used to have.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Your post really grabbed my heart strings. Yes, we more the loss of the life we had because of our person. There are so many aspects we grieve.

        My father got a lovely letter from my mother’s doctor. In it the doc said, “as you reweave the fabric of your life”.
        I was young and newly married, but I could see that this doc was “getting it”.

    12. Xenia*

      A lot of it comes down to whether you are saying it to yourself or saying it to another person. If you are saying it to yourself, then what you consider offensive or harmful or helpful is purely up to you. If “I’m adusting to a new normal” is a helpful approach to you, then definitely use it. If you are saying it to someone else, it depends on how they feel, and that’s a lot harder to figure out.

      As a general rule of thumb, if I’m saying something to someone else, then anything that should tell them how they should feel–i.e., “God has a plan”, “you have to adjust to a new normal”, or worst of all, “You should get over it”–is something I would avoid on the grounds of being potentially insulting, because grieving is a painful and personal process and everyone should be allowed to feel their own emotions at their own rate.

      So for other people, I will stick to offers of support and validation. If I am concerned that someone is doing really badly and does need some outside perspective on their grieving, then I’d still treat it factually — i.e. “You’ve cancelled on our coffee meetings for the last three months running and you haven’t changed out of your pajamas from three days ago. I’m worried about you.”

      1. Librarian of SHIELD*

        You made the verbal connection here I was struggling to make.

        When it’s a person who hasn’t experienced the kind of loss you’re grieving, “you’ll have to adjust to a new normal” really does translate more as “why aren’t you over it already?”

        My dad died when I was a teenager. At the time, my two best friends had been raised by single moms; one had never even met their dad. At my dad’s funeral they said something to the effect of “we can teach you how to not have a dad.” And it was like being punched in the face. Because even though I knew how hard and painful it had been for both of them to have their dads absent, the experience of never having that person present in your life is VERY different from having that person and suddenly losing them. And those relationships were never quite the same afterward because to them, not having a dad was totally normal and they couldn’t quite grasp why I couldn’t make it feel normal for me.

    13. Esmeralda*

      Honestly, most everything anyone said felt terrible. Except these:
      I’m so sorry.
      I feel so sad for you.
      I really love you.
      I know now may not be the time, but can I text you soon to see if you need anything?

      1. Librarian of SHIELD*

        The best interaction I had at my dad’s funeral was a friend who walked up to me in the receiving line, gave me the tightest bear hug I think I’ve ever had, and said “you know I love you, right?” I said I knew, and he gave me one more squeeze before he had to keep the line moving.

        What I desperately needed was someone who understood that he couldn’t fix me, but he could support me.

    14. marvin the paranoid android*

      I would say as a rule of thumb that people should avoid saying anything if it’s really just to make themselves feel better. It’s usually pretty obvious when someone is just uncomfortable with any negative or complicated emotions and wants to paper it over with some weird platitudes to make themselves feel okay with the chaos of life. For me, “new normal” isn’t the most egregious example of this, but it does carry an undertone of “hurry up and get over it.”

      I would say the most helpful comments are either people who are just willing to listen and affirm that things suck or are complicated, or people who are genuinely there to support you with what you need to get through it. In both cases, I think it’s about showing the grieving person the respect of listening to them and paying attention to what they need.

    15. My Brain Is Exploding*

      My cousin, who had already lost both of her parents, to me after my second parent died: “It sucks to be an orphan no matter how old you are.” It did and it does and that comment was just so right for the way I was feeling.

    16. RagingADHD*

      Here’s the thing about articles like that. They’re incredibly misleading.

      There are a few pretty universally bad things to say to a grieving person, like “it was for the best” or “Are you still upset? You need to move on.” or similar terrible, un-empathetic things.

      However, there is NO universally helpful thing to say, other than I’m sorry. What the person needs or wants to hear is incredibly individual, and also changes day by day. Something said by a certain person, on a certain day, in a certain conversation or context, could be immensely helpful or comforting.

      The exact same words said at a different time or by someone else could be extremely hurtful or spark intense anger. When we’re grieving, everything hurts because we’re hurting. Trying to analyze phrases is a no-win situation.

      You are correct that you will have to adjust to a new normal. You probably won’t want to hear that when the time comes. After all, that adjustment isn’t something you can purposely set out to do. It’s a natural process that happens gradually, and you don’t realize it until you look back and see the difference.

      Though if the right person says it at the right point in your journey, you may feel seen and supported. There’s no telling.

      The most helpful thing that someone said to me after my mom passed was when a dear friend of hers gave me a very practical rundown of the way grief made her feel like she was losing her mind, and some of the stuff she did to reduce stress and cope.

      That would have rubbed some people the wrong way, but it was great for me. But if someone else had said the same stuff, I would have been offended.

      Emotions aren’t rational and don’t respond to logic. They just do their own thing. You have to give all the grace you can, and hope to get grace from others.

    17. Lizy*

      Yes, technically, I’m adjusting to a new normal. But I’d really rather not. This f-ing sucks. I hate it. I’m not “adjusting” well. I just want to sit here and cry, but I have 3 other kids and a husband to be strong for. Thank God I have a new job to keep me busy, but even that is a reminder of what happened and how our family is missing one. I take comfort in my faith, but even that is a struggle because his friends are there. Ironically, the one person that has been the most supportive is his youth pastor, which just twists the knife deeper. I feel horrible, because I can hardly look at him, let alone talk to him, but I can’t very well tell him that, can I?

      So yeah, if someone said I am simply “adjusting to a new normal” I’d probably flip. A new normal is a new house, or a new job, or a new relationship. This is a grief beyond. “Adjusting” to me implies it’s minor. You go to a chiropractor for an adjustment; you wouldn’t call a back surgery an adjustment.

    18. Chuck*

      My gut feeling is that “adjusting to the new normal” as a phrase might come across as too cold and clinical although I think the sentiment applies.

      As for the worst things said while I was grieving I remember that when my mum died when I was a teenager my aunt said “I feel like I’m the only person who actually cared about her. The rest of you aren’t even affected because you don’t know what it’s like to lose a twin”. She said this to her sister’s three grieving children and widower. We were all working very hard to try to keep our lives running and it was a breathtakingly awful thing to say. But my aunt is a genuinely self absorbed person so this experience is an outlier.
      The other bad thing I’ve noticed about funerals is people who kick up a stink when they’re not invited. Not referring to family or close friends but aquaintences, distant friends and so on. It’s hard to remember everyone when you have such a short time to plan such a big event.
      Initially the condolences and platitudes didn’t bother me but I found it hard when it would come up unexpectedly years later. I would be out running errands and I’d run into a family friend who would immediately bring up what a lovely person my mum was and how beautiful her funeral was and I’d get an emotional gut punch. I imagine other people would be moved and comforted by how well their loved one was remembered but I found it very hard.

    19. Healthcare Worker*

      Thank you to everyone who shared your thoughts and personal stories in such a kind, sensitive and touching manner. Your explanations were right on point and I’ve thought about each of them at length. This community truly is amazing!

  34. TLC*

    Anyone feeling more insecure as they get older?

    I’m a 33 yo woman. I’ve never been the thinnest but I’ve also never been insecure about my body and mostly accepted it as is. I’m sure that’s partially due to my weight staying mostly the same so I never had to deal with the stress of finding out my clothes didn’t fit. And then about 9 months ago, it happened. My clothes felt a bit tighter and generally, I just hadn’t remembered them looking the way they did on me. Since then, I feel like I’ve been hyper focused on everything- asking myself ‘has this always looked like this and I didn’t notice or is it changing?’

    It seems like everywhere I read, women in their 30s say they have finally let go of little insecurities and started loving their bodies ‘flaws and all’. And I feel like I’m going in the total opposite direction. Additionally, I feel like things like botox, crazy skincare routines and plastic surgery that pre social media seemed like mostly things celebrities had are now normal people activities and social media is filled with ‘regular’ girls who look like models.

    Anyone else feel this way too? I do have a long-term therapist that I’ve just recently started broaching this subject with (I’ve never brought up body issues before) so I haven’t decided yet how I feel about how she’s working through this with me

    1. allathian*

      My situation’s very different from yours, but maybe this will give you another perspective. I was a chubby kid, a slim fat teen (at 16 I had a 26 in waist, so slim, but almost no muscles, and I thought I was fat, because my tissues were soft), and as an adult my weight and size have fluctuated a lot. I finally came to terms with the changes when I had my son. Pregnancy changes your body a lot, and some of these changes are permanent (unless you’re a celebrity who can hire a personal trainer and exercise several hours every day as soon as your doctor gives you the postpartum go ahead), but having a child is the best thing that ever happened to me, and getting fat afterwards was a small price to pay.

      Many people have kids in their late 20s or early 30s.

      That said, I’m not on any social media, and I don’t follow any celebrities, and I’m not interested in comparing myself to others. I’m not particularly fixated on my looks, and as long as I know that my husband loves me as I am, I’m happy. No doubt I’d feel different if I were single and wanted to date.

    2. You're not alone*

      I am 52 yo woman and and super stuck on my looks lately. I gained about 10 pounds over the last 2 years and am trying not to be obsessed over it, but it is hard. Also Zoom meetings where I can’t stop looking at my wrinkles – lol. I feel like this is all somewhat new in my life.
      I think in the things you are reading you are only hearing about the people that are letting go of the insecurities. No one is writing about the people that are not – but there are plenty of us out there, trust me.
      I am going to start talking about this with my therapist as well. That sounds like a great step.

      1. Filosofickle*

        Looking back, my insecurities — social and body — all accelerated in my 30s. Living in an aging body and with the world’s expectations of women can be pretty rough.

        1. TLC*

          I think part of my insecurities is just flat out frustration with the leeway men get with aging that women don’t. Men seem to get ‘better looking’ and ‘dad bods’ are something to flaunt while women aren’t awarded the same luxury. I have to be honest- this is definitely being accelerated by feelings around dating and I truly wish I could date like a man. Even as someone who is pretty sure they don’t want kids, it still feels like I’m running against the clock. I’m at a point right now where I’d like to find someone I get along with and share fun time with but it’s OK if it’s not someone I’m going to marry. And it kind of feels like I can’t do that because if I decide I want to get ‘serious’ in my late 30s, well most men in that age range plus 10 years can date 15 years younger. I’m pretty sure if I was in a relationship I would be feeling differently about this!

          1. Dark Macadamia*

            I was just thinking yesterday how annoying it is that “dad bods” are considered cute/sexy now but a “mom bod” is something to fix.

            I also think the “shedding my insecurities” type thing ends up feeling a bit like toxic positivity – on the one end there’s this narrative that you have to be doing your best to look younger/thinner/prettier and on the other is actively LOVING your body the way it is. Can we just exist in our bodies???

          2. Filosofickle*

            Yeah, I felt differently when I was in a relationship. I had a stretch of positive years where I made huge progress with self-acceptance, and it was easier to do that because I was in an LTR with someone who loved and accepted me. That ended last year and as I prepare to start over in middle age, these insecurities are kicking back up. It’s a different kind of clock, but it is ticking! This just came up this week in ther apy — I get older and grayer and softer every year, and my appeal with men isn’t improving with time. The story in my head is that I have to get back out there right way and find a partner while I still can. I don’t want to feel that way! I hope I can change this belief / fear because that’s not a healthy mindset for me.

    4. You're not alone*

      You are definitely not alone. I think you only read about people who are less insecure. Most articles are not going to be written about people that are more insecure, although they should be.
      Talking with your therapist is a great idea and if you are concerned about their approach then tell them!
      I am a 52 yo woman and yes, feel like I should care less, but nope.

    5. Squidhead*

      Are you surrounded by more and more people who are younger than you are? (Or, maybe, older/more-established/higher SES?) I changed careers at your age, so went from my core group at my old job where we were pretty much all aging together and had physical jobs so lived in jeans/boots/safety gear. Now most of my coworkers are younger than I am and getting younger every year! (Not trying to talk about work, it’s just the place I’m around the most people.) My workplace also has more age, race, language, gender diversity than my previous environment, so I am now around a lot more trends in makeup/hair/clothes…even in a place where we all wear scrubs! It has definitely made me think more about my own presentation, especially as I age (where did these hairs come from?!). I’m pretty set in my no-makeup, jeans-and-tshirt life, but I do think about things differently than I did before.

      Also worth considering is your clothes may have gotten old. I had a favorite shirt that I thought looked trim and smart, and one day I realized it was pilly, saggy, and faded. It was definitely the shirt, not me. I just hadn’t realized how poorly it had aged (or how long it took me to notice!).

      1. TLC*

        I’m single so I spend a decent amount of time grabbing drinks and going out to bars so every year, the ratio of people my age/older vs younger goes down. I never thought of myself as older and then when the world opened up in Summer 2021, all of a sudden I was like ‘why are all these people at the bar so young? How could I have been here 2 years ago and not even noticed and now I feel 15 years older than everyone?’ I’ve always been the youngest in my groups of friends- I was the youngest in my grade growing up as well- but my friend group is starting to trend younger since a lot of people my age are starting families and naturally the other singles are younger also.

    6. marvin the paranoid android*

      I’m also feeling this, but for me I think it’s mostly been brought on by my transition. I think I had just totally given up on ever liking anything about my appearance for ages, and now that that is starting to change, I’m finding myself fixating on every little thing, which is a fun irony. Since I’m a proudly trans, anti-capitalist type, I’m trying to see embracing supposed “flaws” as a process of freeing myself from oppressive social norms. But it is really hard to get rid of that conditioning.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      I got down to my best weight at around 35. I am now 61 and my weight is going up and it is so hard to even care. I will at some point rope my behaviors back in, but I am in I don’t give a damn mode for a bit.

      I have to say about my experience with getting to a “good” weight, it did nothing for my life. The life issues remained. I do think I had a little more energy to deal with stuff because of losing the weight but I realized, “WHY should *I* have to deal?” Some of the stuff was not my total responsibility and yet some how it became mine.

      I know that when my weight went down a lot of my health symptoms also died back. That was nice. But some how right now it just doesn’t hit me as important.

      I think that we can turn inward, when we actually need to turn outward. (Not everyone, not all the time.)

      1. Cj*

        I feel really bad for the original poster that she’s only in her early thirties and feels this way. I’m 60, and at 40 of started gaining about a pound a year, and all the sudden round 55 I put on five pounds that year. A pound a year doesn’t sound like much, but I’m 25 pounds heavier than when I got married at 30.

        I make sure that as I gain weight I get new clothes that fit properly. Thredup it’s been a lifesaver for that. I’m not terribly worried about the weight at this point, although I might feel differently if I was trying to date.

        1. Aginghippie*

          I hear you. A pound a year is so insidious- it creeps on, and it’s only like an extra half a cookie a week.
          I’m at the point of just trying to keep weight at its current level. And a combination of making sure things fit really well, and having the attitude of “this is what someone my age looks like- get used to it.”

          Although I don’t think I’d want to get down to my 25-year old weight – I’d probably be way to saggy ;-)

          Zza Zza Gabor said “there comes a time when a woman has to choose between her face and her ass”.

    8. PostalMixup*

      I just turned 34. I’ve been telling myself that my body would go back to “normal” once I stopped nursing, but lo and behold, it has not been so. Now I need to come to terms with either 1) this is what my body is now, or 2) I need to actually try to get back to the size and shape I used to be. I suspect I’ll never get there, and that makes me sad and a bit down on myself.

      1. ampersand*

        I finally lost pregnancy weight when I stopped nursing (meanwhile, I thought nursing was supposed to help with weight loss, so that was confusing), and I weigh a few pounds less now than I did pre-pregnancy, but my shape and where I store fat has changed. Somehow I wasn’t prepared for that possibility–I assumed if I was back to my previous weight, then my body would be the same. It’s not. It’s taken some time to accept that there really is a new normal after having a baby. I feel you on this!

    9. Chaordic One*

      Well, as far as my body and appearance goes, I think that as I’ve gotten older I’ve become more accepting of myself as I am. I’m still going to try to exercise and stay within a certain weight range, I’m still going to moisturize and try to look my best, and I’m still going to try to dress nice and wear clothes that fit. But I realize that there’s only so much that I can do with what I have to work with. I’m never going to be 18 again. And I’m never going to be 30 again. (Sigh). I don’t have that much control over how people might judge me because of my age and my appearance.

      OTOH, I do still have a lot of insecurity about career and job issues. I worry about not being perceived as being smart, intelligent, professional, someone who can get things done. But these other issues are things that we don’t really write about here on weekends, and not really the kind of things you seem to be thinking about.

    10. TPS reporter*

      I feel more secure in my late 30s than I ever have. I have kids, a spouse, and am the same size as when I was in my 20s. The game changer for me was getting into weight lifting and setting athletic goals. Trust me I do not really look different. But I feel different, stronger and more appreciative of what my body can do. Everyone is going to feel insecure about something, especially with the beauty culture pressure of celebrity and social media. You’re not going to change the world but you can try to find things that will help with your mindset, like therapy, a lot of great podcasters and writers. You have to cut through the noise and find out what work for you.

    11. KR*

      I’m 4 or 5 years younger than you, but I have been feeling more insecure as I creep up towards 30. It’s honestly a constant battle to feel confident in myself. Recently when I try to take a selfie I just hate how I look. It’s a bit wild because certain aspects of my looks have improved in recent years, like my skin and my makeup skills. I agree that social media can be kind of a trigger, and this feeling like your third decade is supposed to be this time in your life when you feel more accepting of your body.

      1. Ali + Nino*

        Nice to hear your makeup skills have improved – I have none to speak of and am not super interested in wearing more, but I hate how I look in photos these days. I feel OK until I look in a mirror or see a picture.

    12. Paddy O'Furniture*

      It’s funny to me now, but when I look back at myself when I was your age, gee, I was hot and I didn’t realize it. Quite a while ago, I was reading an interview with Barbra Streisand where she said petty much the same thing. Now in her 70s she said, and I’m paraphrasing here, that as she looked back on career and at her old movies, at the time she was very insecure about her looks, but that now she thinks she looked pretty good.

      1. TLC*

        I am really trying to embrace the ‘youth is wasted on the young’ mindset. I’ve always kind of told myself ‘I’m probably never going to look better than I do today so I should embrace wearing this while I still can’. I was my slimmest in 2017 and I look at pics and think ‘wow I can’t believe I didn’t think I looked amazing then’ and try to remind myself in 10 years I’ll be thinking the same thing about myself now.

    13. matcha123*

      I’m only about 5 years older than you, OP, and hmm…I don’t think I grew up with that notion of accepting one’s body from 30 on. I have long had body issues and insecurities, but I think mine probably stem from a different place than yours.
      I don’t think I’ll ever have my ideal body, but I’m not going to give up and just…lie there.

      It’s difficult for me to understand what “acceptance” means to you, but for me it means that I know my body will never be perfect and that I will always find flaws with it. But, I also strive to keep my body as healthy as possible. Sure I eat my pizzas and drink my whiskeys, but I still make time to exercise (I enjoy moving my body) and I look for clothing that looks nice on me. I continue to wear sunscreen and bathe regularly. When I hear “acceptance” it sounds like, “I give up. I will roll over and never wash or exercise again. This is my life.”

      Of course I will age, but I want to feel good while I do it. What’s more is that because I don’t have a lot of money or a strong support network, I need to do what I can to ensure that I stay as healthy as I can.

    14. Batgirl*

      So, I’m 42 and I definitely noticed my body changing from my twenties into my thirties. It’s happened again since, too. Like most changes it’s kind of alarming -especially if you were happy as you were – but you settle into it. In an ideal world I would be able to keep all versions of my body in a wardrobe and pick and choose which one I want on a particular day, because there are things I like about each version (but you have to get used to them, and to dressing them, before they feel like yours). I also get that when you’re dating, it’s tempting to want a generic body that will have the most appeal to a big audience so you can pick and choose from that audience. But people, including male people have very individual tastes and find all kinds of things sexy and sometimes we don’t give them credit for that because the jerk variety of male is so much more outspoken and visible. Guys pretty much want what you want. I would definitely stop watching the variety of social media where everyone is preened/filtered/contoured to death. Go shopping instead and get acquainted with what new shapes you like on your new shape. You. Your body is only your business, and the social media goddesses’ bodies are only their business. Good luck to them and all, but it doesn’t sound fulfilling to you to be watching right now (though I never did go back to social media after stepping back, it must be said). There is a freeing moment of letting go of stuff which comes with age, but it only happens when you decide that you now know what you like, and what you want and you don’t care what other people think or want. If this is a very new change that won’t happen instantly, so give yourself a beat.

      1. Batgirl*

        Oh and this might be too me-specific but just on the off chance it’s helpful:
        1) I had to start paying attention to getting good quality underwear that fit and didn’t give me a vpl. No, I’m not talking about spanx, I just mean I need a good brand which consists of more than a hanky with a lace frill to be comfortable. Getting a bra fitting from a venerable department store (i.e not Victoria’s Secret was also a good idea. 2) I stopped shopping in places that had a variety of shoppers in it. I can no longer go in those hyper youth places where there are pictures of teenagers frolicking at festivals on the walls. They skimp way too much on fabrics and variety of body shapes and make you feel you’re supposed to fit a very specific mould.

    15. Teal Fish*

      Also 33. I’m definitely a few sizes bigger than when I was 20, but I also had some challenging mental health issues in my 20s and had to do a lot of personal work to get to where I am now. So at 33 I’m just kind of happy to be here and no way would I trade all the other benefits of being 33 just to wear a smaller size.

      YMMV, but for me, I am most critical of my body when I haven’t been sticking to my exercise/self care/coping routines, and/or I have other stressors going on in my life and this is the way they come out. Personally discovering exercise that I actually enjoy and figuring out how to work it into my day in a way that brings me joy is huge. I don’t think I actually *look* different when I’m exercising, but I sure do feel different and look at myself differently.

      Other small things that help me: I very much NEVER use a scale, using a scale at the doctor’s office will irritate me for days afterward. And I started reading about the chemistry of skincare & haircare products (look up the Beauty Brains blog) and learned that all the junk they market to women is mostly BS, which helps me ignore it & roll my eyes when an influencer starts pushing all that stuff on their feeds.

    16. Violetta*

      Also 33, and I grew up struggling with body image issues. I’m finally in a place where I’m happy with my body and it didn’t come through losing a bunch of weight or looking radically different – It was exercise, mainly lifting weights. It relaxes me, gives me more energy in my day to day, and makes me feel strong as hell; and I gradually started appreciating my body for all the things it can DO. It was liberating.

  35. Batgirl*

    How long should it take to get your hair dyed at a salon? I got tired of doing my own hair and have been getting it done locally. The first time took ages but they were super busy, and I also needed a trim. This last time was just my roots when the salon had hardly any customers. I have it dried and styled but it was a lot longer sitting around with the dye on, in the chair and in the sink. I was in their three hours. As a red head the colour fades on the lengths so when I get roots done, I was thinking of asking for a toner colour too, but I don’t know that I have the time!

    1. Kiwiapple*

      2.5-3.5 hours to do balayage in my experience. My hair is around shoulder length and I get a wash, cut, dye and style.
      I wouldn’t want the stylist to rush it.

    2. Lemon*

      Are you able to ask the colorist before you book your appointment? I’ve only gotten highlights before but the time has varied from 1 hour (super quick colorist, short hair, not much color) to 4 hours (mid-back length hair, multiple shades). I think the colorist would be the best judge of this

    3. cat socks*

      When I get my roots done, I plan for a couple of hours. My stylist mixes the color, applies it to my hair and then I sit under warm air for a while. My stylist usually starts with another client while I’m sitting. Then she washes my hair and cuts and styles it. I find spending time at the salon relaxing because I’ll spend time reading a book while I’m waiting.

    4. Law Student*

      Three hours is pretty standard for me, cut, all over color, and blow dry. The color usually has to sit for half an hour to work and if you’re bleaching too, that’s another 20 minutes.

    5. Sundial*

      I’m in the place for about 4 hours, but I use a beauty school so I expect it to be slow because they’re still novices. I also leave with a wet head because I won’t allow heat styling on my curls, so that knocks some time off.

    6. Neurodivergentsaurus Rex*

      I wouldn’t expect to spend less than 3 hours in a salon for a color appointment, but definitely ask the stylist when you make the appointment – they can generally give a time estimate for the services you want

    8. wingmaster*

      I have medium, naturally black hair. For a fashion color balayage, the whole process takes me about 3-4 hours. This includes a cut and styling.

    9. mreasy*

      I’ve had up to 5 for a cut and color (blonde balayage), but a regular single process is usually a couple of hours.

    10. BookMom*

      Yikes! I just started getting my grays in the front dyed along with a lightly layered cut and it takes 1.5-2 hours tops. She does foils like getting highlights. I think it looks great and very natural. My hair is medium brown color.

    11. Imtheone*

      Color touch up and highlight, plus trim, 1 hour, 45 minutes. My hair is pretty short, and I don’t have it styled or blown dry.

    12. Batgirl*

      Everybody’s responses have made me realize it’s probably my thick long hair that’s responsible for the time suck. I’m going to adjust my time budget accordingly. Thank you!

  36. Bibliovore*

    Need help. I am being encouraged to find a COVID safe way to retreat- a spa, a vacation, something. I have March and April dog free. (I have underlying conditions so very hesitant to fly during this OMNICROM time)
    Money and time are not issues.
    What I love- hot water, massages, learning. Swimming. Birds. must have internet. love food.
    I can drive- I live in the Twin Cities. A friend might be able to accompany me.
    Suggestions?

    2. Generic Name*

      Mt. Princeton hot springs in Colorado has private cabins. The hot springs are outdoors (open all year).

      1. Wink the Book*

        +1 here too. The restaurant is excellent, as is the landscape. Nearby Salida also has a cool downtown.

    3. Kage*

      Fellow MN here! As you know March/April aren’t exactly warm in our neck of the woods so I wouldn’t look for a place with a pool unless you’re willing to drive multiple days (since you said you don’t want to fly)

      I’d look for something in Door County WI myself (specifically with a hot tub). The very tip is about 6 hours from the Twin Citiesso you can get there in one long driving day (and less if you go closer to like Sturgeon Bay). There are lots of little towns and I’m sure you can find some salons for massages. And since it’s not their high-tourist season, you might also have better luck with fewer visitors/less exposure. Also nice walking/hiking in the area with sunsets and sunrise options with your easy access to both sides of the peninsula.

    4. Cj*

      Northern Minnesota is absolutely beautiful. As long as you want your hot water in a spa and not in an outdoor pool or beach, I would look for a resort there. You said money isn’t an issue, but I bet you could do this good deal there this time of year.

      You said you don’t want to fly, so a 4-Hour drive or so but get you to some of the most beautiful parts of Minnesota.

    5. LizB*

      As a fellow Twin Cities person, my immediate thought was a cabin with a hot tub up north, maybe through Airbnb as someone already suggested.

      1. Bibliovore*

        Oh, yes. The American Club in Kohler. Mr. Bibliovore loved this part of Wisconsin and we stayed there once . We loved the spa. And what he called the “toilet museum” (the Kohler design center) I told him we were NEVER getting the 10,000 dollar shower he wanted. (I wish we had the money then) I am thinking of visiting friends in Greenbush this summer so maybe a visit there then.

    7. Bibliovore*

      Thank you all. I looked into Bluefin Bay but it reminds me too much of Mohunk Mountain House where Mr. Bibliovore and I spent many favorite times.

      I will look for an another kind of retreat place.
      Still planning on creating a retreat at home by redoing a bathroom with a steam shower and a Japanese soaking tub.
      A neighbor in Health says April might be okay for flying. Thinking Palm Springs. Its a direct flight.

  37. Mama Sarah*

    Serious question – is there anything worth watching once one finishes Money Heist? It’s been such a wild ride. ❤️

    1. La Donna*

      Homeland, Outlander, Luther, Dexter (the new season is amazing, but must watch the old), GOT, Mr. Robot

  38. fake name*

    Talking about death

    //

    My uncle is dying—terminal. Saw him this week and it seems he’s given up, which I get—he’s in a lot of pain. But I don’t really know…. what to do. My dad has almost died before but a) that wasn’t terminal and b) he wasn’t giving up. (And c) I’m way more closer to my dad than my uncle and it felt different.)

    I don’t think anyone else knows he’s giving up (he literally said if I die in a few months, then [his wife] gets more insurance money) and I don’t know how to deal. I don’t know how to support my mom and aunts. I’ve never lost anyone close to me.

    Any advice on how to deal with an impending death and how to support people around me?

    1. fposte*

      Oh, I’m sorry. But I’d encourage you to reconsider the framing of “giving up.” What if you thought about it as your uncle accepting death and making decisions about his remaining time? IMHO, that’s an okay and often wise thing to do.

      It’s great to support your mother and her sisters. One of the things it can be hard to realize is that there’s only so much you can do–you can’t make them not sad, or bring the person back, or make their loss not matter. What often helps are taking practical things off their plate. Not everybody will welcome that–for some people, that’s how they channel their grieving energy–but it’s a common enough way to help that there’s a good chance you’ll find something to do there. Are there things you can cover while your mom visits him? Or, in a different direction, can you pull together pictures or videos of your uncle? You don’t even need to tell your mom you’re doing it at the moment, assuming you don’t need to remove anything; just quietly collect some good memory sources for them.

      1. Generic Name*

        I agree. Our culture reveres “fighting” to say alive. At all costs. I think some of the measures we take to extend people’s lives, especially people with cancer, unnecessarily prolong suffering.

        1. fposte*

          I had a real lightbulb moment when my eightysomething father told his doctor that he was no longer going to have colonoscopies, as he wasn’t going to get treatment if cancer was detected anyway. He wasn’t remotely suicidal, and it make perfect sense when I thought about it; I’d just never thought about it.

          1. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

            They often (and should) stop screening colonoscopies at a certain age because at 80, it makes no sense to remove polyps that would turn into cancer in 15 years. And the procedure itself isn’t comfortable or risk-free.

        2. Washi*

          Agreed, there is a strong push in medical culture for “more time” at all costs and sometimes not enough assistance to patients on reflecting on the why/how – what do they want to do with their time, what quality will the time be, how realistic is it even, etc. For some people it really is worth it to fight for every second, and some people decide that living 72 or 72.5 years is not a meaningful difference and they’d rather avoid hospitalizations and horrible medication side effects in the time remaining.

          In a way, it actually can take more effort to reject interventions and have a less medicalized death at home. If you just always go with what doctors are suggesting, it’s easy to end up on a road of trying new treatments and medications ad infinitum with less and less chance of success. Maybe it would help to think of him not as giving up, but now fighting for the kind of end to his life that he wants.

          1. Not So NewReader*

            I can relate to wanting a less medicalized death (thanks for that term btw).
            My father died 5 times in CCU. DNRs were just coming into vogue. I signed one. What narrowed it down for me was when a nurse with tears running down her face said, “We don’t prolong people’s lives, we prolong their deaths.” The sixth time he died, they did not recessitate.
            My own version is, “When it’s my time, let. me. go.” Don’t line your pockets on my misery.

            OP, I think it helped me to think about how I wanted people to respond to my wishes. What would I want? First off I had to identify my wishes a little closer and then I had to think about how people would respond in a manner that seemed respectful to me.
            I think saying, “I will always love you” is appropriate. Saying, “I love you enough to put your wishes ahead of my own” is also a warm and kind thing to say.

            As far as your aunts, you can let them lead. They will tend to talk about the parts they are ready to talk about.
            For your own background there are quite a few good books about grief and the grieving process. As a society we do not do well teaching about the grieving process it’s a DIY thing. So you can start teaching yourself. I did this. There’s lots to learn- the symptoms of grief, the stages of grief, the way people’s grief manifests. For example, it’s normal for some people to fight and argue. Anger is a symptom of grief and that anger can spill over on to anyone near by. But not everyone gets angry. Some folks go the opposite way and clam right up.
            Check a bookstore or library. Read the inside flap. Maybe even look at the first chapter. One book will feel like the author is talking directly to you. That is your book. Take that one book home with you and look at it. It takes a moment to find this one book, so allow time for selecting.

            A good point of framing is to decide that you (like most of us) are just here to serve and serve as you can or as you are allowed to. This can mean grabbing some groceries, walking the dog or answering the phone. Somehow all these things seem so trivial but if you look at Bibliovore’s post above, you can see that these things are actually not trivial.

            Younger me felt so inadequate because I just did not have reference points. That wasn’t my fault. It’s not your fault either. Keep remembering that you do have a place in your family and that position will grow and become even more important as the years roll by. For now, you can watch and see what works in your family and what does not. You can pitch in when specific needs come up.

            If your uncle says a similar thing again, it’s fine to simply reply, “We love you, Uncle Bob.”

            A favorite aunt of mine explained, “I am so very tired.” She spoke slowly and heavily. I said, “I love you.” She told me she loved me. And those were the last words we said to each other, she passed away a few hours later. Sometimes “I love you” is the only thing to say. Just keep it real simple and don’t let yourself be deluded into thinking simple is not enough.

        3. Librarian of SHIELD*

          This is true about disability and chronic illness too, and I think it’s part of the reason my grandmother was so hesitant to use mobility aids toward the end of her life. To her, using a cane or a walker felt like giving up, and we live in a world where giving up is often framed as a moral failing. The choice to use the cane felt like it was about more than just her bodily needs, it felt like it was a referendum on whether or not she was a good or worthy person.

          I think we could all benefit by thinking of these kinds of health choices as acceptance instead.

          1. fposte*

            There’s an old Miss Manners column from a wheelchair user who really liked what a dad said when his kid asked him (piercingly, within earshot, of course) why she was using a wheelchair: “So she can come out and see all the pretty things around.” You do what you need to come out and see the pretty things.

    2. Missb*

      Take the time now to think about what he means to you and write it down. Tell him what he means to you. Then, after he dies, consider sending what you wrote to his wife (and/or kids).

      I lost an uncle a few months back and it still stings. I have three uncles (two living now), and they are a jolly bunch. Gatherings are a hoot, we get tons of stories. This particular uncle told the corniest jokes. Real groaners, but I also had hours long conversations with him several times a year. He’d come down and stay at our house and hang for a few days at a time. He was also the uncle that sat my siblings and I down when our parents were divorcing when we were kids- I felt such warmth and love during that conversation that I will never forget it. These are the memories you share with your uncle’s loved ones when he passes- what he meant to you, find memories. Find the words now because grief hits you hard sometimes.

      This particular uncle died quickly. I had a conversation with him right after he found out he was going to die. They removed his pacemaker a few days later and he passed. His kids were both able to be with him for a couple of hours before he died (Covid protocols had kept the number of visitors to 1/day until he was moved to hospice). I didn’t get to hug him one last time.

      I’ve lost plenty of family over the years and it’s never easy. Never.

    3. Generic Name*

      This is so hard. When my loved ones are grieving, I’ve found the most helpful thing I can do is just be with them. Listen to them talk. Some people take comfort in sharing stories and memories. If you live nearby, dealing with logistics can also be a big help. Do people need rides to visit uncle? Can you cook meals for people? Is there some red tape bureaucracy that needs to be dealt with that you could handle?

      Please don’t fixate on your uncle “giving up”. It’s a valid choice for him to make to decide he doesn’t want extraordinary measures taken to prolong his life that will inevitably end sooner than later. He is terminal, and he will, by definition, not recover. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

    4. Asenath*

      It’s never easy. About all you can do is be with your uncle and your other family and do whatever practical thing you can do to help – and listen to them. Don’t think about it as “giving up”. Often it’s more like resignation or acceptance. I’ve been there when a death is not sudden or unexpected, but the doctors say to the patient that there’s nothing more that they can do, no more treatments to offer, just pain control and as much comfort as possible. It’s not easy for the person dying, but it’s also not easy for the person watching. Do what’s necessary – and if you want to tell your uncle how much you love him, don’t wait. And take care of yourself and your other relatives, basic stuff, food, transportation, calling people, whatever is needed.

    5. Angstrom*

      Try to understand that choosing palliative care over continued treatment is not giving up. It is a conscious choice to prioritize quality of life over continued discomfort from additional treatments that will have no effect on the outcome.
      There are many studies showing that patients who receive hospice care actually live longer than those who do not. There’s a lot to be said for being free from pain.
      Talk with your uncle. Ask him what he wants his final months to be like. Are there things he’d like to do? Also ask him what he wants to have happen after he dies. I’m sure he’s worried about his family, and it will be a comfort to him if he knows there are plans in place to help them.
      You and your family will go through the whole range of emotions. You may be angry. You may find yourself laughing and crying at the same time. All that’s normal.
      Be open and honest with him. You can say “I’m scared and confused. I’ve never dealt with someone I know dying. I want to help and I don’t know what to do.” He’ll appreciate that you’re not tiptoeing around the subject, and it’ll be a relief for you to get it into the open.
      For your mom and aunts, you can’t go wrong with the basics — helping with meals, driving, house chores, etc.

    6. Squidhead*

      As a nurse, I have a lot of skills that can prolong someone’s death, and almost all of them are uncomfortable, invasive, and restrict the person from doing what they want to do (whether that’s eat their favorite unhealthy food, or move their arm a certain way, or just not have wires and cords all over them). If your uncle doesn’t want these types of interventions, I would want nothing more for him than comfort (as much as possible), freedom to do what he is able to enjoy, and time to spend with his thoughts and his loved ones. If you can enhance these things for him, it is a gift. Share a meal, if he can eat. Listen to stories if he’s up for telling them. Help him rearrange his pillows 100 times for comfort (and maybe give respite to someone else by doing so.) Offer to facilitate a visit from clergy if this is meaningful to him. Speak with clergy privately if it is meaningful to you.

      If he will be receiving services from Hospice, many Hospice groups have support sessions for families. Google ‘anticipatory grief’ to find resources that might guide you in processing your own feelings and understanding the reactions of those around you. It’s okay if this feels different than a health scare with your father. Every person and every circumstance affects us differently.

  39. Victoria, Please*

    I decided I could go back to crossfit this week after of course 2 years away (vaxxer, boostered, and had the thing, so I am about as safe as I will ever be). The gym has enormous warehouse doors that stay open, 20 foot ceilings, etc. I have missed crossfit so much, it was pretty much my One Thing. The metcon felt like coming alive again.

    Have you done anything that you’ve missed? How was it?

    1. allathian*

      Not yet. But next week it’ll be 2 years to the day since I last had a haircut, and I’m seriously considering calling them for an appointment. I like my hair longer than I used to wear it, but now it’s getting too long.

    2. Dark Macadamia*

      My older kid started in-person classes this week after a year and a half of remote learning, which means the younger kid and I can actually go places during weekdays instead of all of us being stuck at home. I feel like a good mom and an actual human being again!

    3. Elle Woods*

      Two weeks after my second round of vaccination last spring, I went to a professional baseball game. I’m a HUGE baseball fan and season ticket holder and it was pure bliss being in person at a game again. The weather was perfect that day (74F with a light breeze) and my team won. It was heaven. I’ll never take being able to go to a ballgame for granted again.

    4. AGD*

      This is about to be me! I’ve had 3 shots and 2 spectacularly sedentary winters and am basically completely done with not going to the gym.

      I also felt this way going to a movie last summer, and can’t wait for big events to be a thing again.

    5. Sparking Stardust*

      Yay! Happy for you to get back to something you enjoy!

      Yes, for sure I have missed running and when i got back to it felt invigorated and really happy to be back in the love-hate time of misery and joy of running. I feel great after running though and miss it when I don’t for a long time.

    6. Pam Adams*

      My sister and I went to the theatre last night. The play was great, but sitting elbow to elbow with strangers was weird. At intermission, we moved to an empty row, and felt much more comfortable.

    7. mreasy*

      I just went to a movie in the theater for the first time in 2 years and I loved it even more than I’d remembered.

    8. Voluptuousfire*

      Went to a showing of one of my favorite director’s films that got re-released on DVD and they showed it at a local indie movie theater and they had him there and some of the cast and did a q&a. Haven’t done anything like that since 2019. It was safe since the theater was very strict about checking IDs and vaccination card and masks were mandatory.

    9. Double A*

      I went to a new year’s Eve party. Everyone was vaxxed and rapid tested before. It was sheer bliss.

      I desperately want to start rock climbing again and gyms are better option for me. Once my kids are able to be vaccinated I’ll start thinking about it more seriously.

    10. Rara Avis*

      Before the omicron surge we went to a movie in a theater. It was actually really uncomfortable— masks were required **unless you were eating** and of course everyone was stuffing their faces with popcorn. No spacing — they sold every seat. We kept our masks on and ate nothing. I decided I wasn’t ready. More recently we had a friend who moved away come to visit for the first time in 4 years. We went to dinner with a group of 22 people. First social gathering in 2 years. Maybe my risk tolerance is low because my work is fully in person. Or maybe I’ve just gotten comfortable in my bubble. I’m not a very social person to begin with.

    11. Tali*

      In November I saw a movie in theaters, had a big loud dinner with strangers at a restaurant, sang karaoke. Cases were in the single digits, it healed something deep in my soul.

      Cases are back up again and I’ve been inside, it’s been really hard after getting a taste of life again.

  40. Mental Schmealth*

    I’d really love to hear people’s experiences of going to therapy to get a better understanding of themselves, or their history, without the intention of making any lifestyle changes. What was helpful, what wasn’t, did you find the exercise worth the energy and expense?

    Details- I did one of those online attachment style quizzes out of curiosity, and got “disorganized attachment” as a result. The behaviors and feelings were familiar, though the root causes weren’t (mainly, an abusive environment in childhood). I’m interested in exploring this, but not with the goal of entering a romantic relationship or “improving” the relationships with friends/family that I already have. I’ve done CBT in the past and found it helpful, but that was with the goal of developing new habits and coping tools, which isn’t my goal here.

    Really appreciate any insights you may have!

    1. I.*

      Therapists will generally ask what your goals are. If you say: understand myself/family better, that’s a goal. You may find that you discover misalignments between your values and your actions when you get digging, and if so, you can add that to your goals. I say that because often therapy makes you realize oh, this thing I thought was normal doesn’t have to be and maybe I want to see what it’s like to not think/do X when Y happens. But if you don’t go to a behaviorally oriented therapist your stated goal should be fine. Be prepared for the therapist to, not dig at or push, but maybe want to explore with you why you seem to be feeling resistance to change. (I can’t tell if you mean ‘I don’t want to change’ vs ‘I like my life and nothings wrong but am curious about X and Y.’ The latter is a much more open and helpful place to start from with a therapist imo.)

      1. Mental Schmealth*

        Oh yeah, I should clarify- By “I don’t want to change” I mean that the goal of doing therapy would not be to change the number or quality of relationships I already have. I don’t have a romantic partner and don’t want one, but sometimes people don’t always take “I prefer to be alone” at face value (especially if you are exploring attachment styles). I have a good group of friends that I am happy with as well. I really just want insight into thought patterns for the sake of understanding them, rather than making changes to how I relate to other people.

    2. La Donna*

      I initially began therapy to help me with grieving over the loss of a pet, but I’ve stayed with her for almost 2 years because of what you’re mentioning here.

      I don’t think the goal of therapy ever is to change things but understand why you think a certain way, behave a certain way, and if you choose to change something then you can. A therapist shouldn’t be telling you what to do and what not to do but rather probing with questions and discussing things to help you understand who you are and why you are the way you are.

      I never think of therapy as expending energy, I enjoy chatting with her and I’ve been able to learn a lot about myself and the changes I’m going through as I age, within myself, friendships, relationships with parents, and my marriage.

    3. beentheredonethat*

      Three times in my life I went to a therapist. Each time lasted about 3 months. It was very good to talk to someone who didn’t have an opinion about my life. I listened to them and learned alot and it helped TREMENDOUSLY. Focus on specifics. What is it you want to know and or deal with.

  41. Neurodivergentsaurus Rex*

    Cat people: can you please recommend toys for middle-aged chunky indoor cats who need more exercise? My 9 year old baby has started to waddle. I love him very much and I need him to live a very long time.

    1. StellaBella*

      I recently got my kitty (she is 8) a fishing feather toy and we play with that for 20-30 min a day jumping, chasing etc. Also she has two cat trees to climb up to sleep on. And I feed her up high so she has to get up to eat. I also has a little light toy she likes to chase the light around at night (not a laser). Also you can very slowly reduce the food a tiny bit.

    2. cat socks*

      Da Bird is my go-to cat toy. Also the wand toys from Neko Flies. I have one that looks like a dragonfly and another one that is a caterpillar. Cat Dancer is also fun.

      I have one wand toy from Chewy that came with a squiggly worm. The nice thing about that is that I can change it out to attached different toys. I have some mouse shaped ones that one of my cats loves.

      Sheer Fun for Cats is a sheer blanket with crinkly edges. I will slide toys underneath and my cats love to pounce on it.

      Also, just a long piece of string tied to a wand. All the wand toys are supervised play only.

      I will walk around with the toy and drag it around corners so they have to get up and follow it around. On of my cats loves the stairs so I’ll cast the toy up the stairs for him to chase up and down.

      1. Windchime*

        My cat loves Da Bird as well. I keep a little basket full of toys for him, and I get it out every couple of weeks and dump out the toys to see what interests him; he gets to keep those toys out and the rest go into the basket. A perennial favorite is a little stuffed frog that croaks when he bats it around. Finally, he LOVES tissue paper and I will let him see me hiding small items (toys, pencils, etc) inside the folds of the paper and then he spends time trying to get the toys out. He loves that game.

        But he will also play with: bottle caps, crumpled paper, hair clips, and any other small thing. He doesn’t play as much now that he is 9, but he plays a couple of times a day.

      2. Sloan Kittering*

        In addition to the playing tips provided by others, with my kitty I have rearranged the house so she has to work a little harder; I put her food upstairs and her litter box in the basement, I moved her bowls up onto a table so that she has to jump up, and I made a cozy nest for her on the guest bed so that she’s climbing up and down multiple times a day. She seems more chipper too. Moving from a studio to a house made a big difference for her but some things could be done in any space. I also put in a heated window perch with a cat tree ladder.

    3. Cat and dog fosterer*

      Treat balls that dispense kibbles are useful as they force hungry kitties to move when they eat.

    4. Kathenus*

      It’s a more expensive option, but if you have the budget and space I recommend the cat exercise wheel from One Fast Cat. My cat doesn’t use it all the time but does use it – and could be on it when I’m not around more than I know. She walks sometimes and flat out runs occasionally.

    5. Suprisingly ADHD*

      My cat won’t really play with toys on his own, he wants to chase something I’m pulling through the house or throwing. A 10 foot long piece of twine (something smooth so it won’t catch in his teeth, and strong enough not to break when he grabs it), dragged around the house, over furniture, or just back and forth, is his all-time favorite! Other favorites include: those plastic spider rings they give to kids on halloween, a plastic twist tie curled into a funky shape, a ping pong ball, and the reflection from sun on a phone screen. Anything that moves erratically, or is propelled by humans.

      ***Anything not sold as a cat toy shouldn’t be left unattended, cats can get very ill from eating string or plastic.

    6. wingmaster*

      My cat is very food motivated, so a food-dispenser toy is always good. You can also DIY one using a toilet paper tube and make little holes in them. I’ll also just throw her food (dry kibble) across the room, and she’ll run for it.

    7. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      My vet recommended a thing that would make the cat “hunt” for her food — it’s a little capsule thing that you put the kibble inside, then stuff the capsule into a plushy catnip mouse. It comes in a set of three, so they hold a day’s allotment of food, then you put them out/hide them/whatever. In theory, your Mighty Hunter finds one, disembowels it and feasts, repeated a couple times a day. (We didn’t try it, because there’s nowhere in my house that we could put a plushy mouse full of kibble that the dogs wouldn’t find and destroy it first.)

      She also recommended starting with a food “bowl” that consists of a bunch of tubes, the cat has to fish the kibble out with their paws and it just sort of makes them work for it a little bit. The cat ignored it for a day and a half, then straight up threw it off the shelf across the room :P Our Mighty Hunter is not interested in Hunting Mightily.

    8. RC Rascal*

      The new favorite toy in my house is a wadded up receipt from the grocery store. It must be wadded into a tight ball.

      I don’t get it, but it sure is cheap….

      1. Squidhead*

        A favorite in our house are the tear-away edges from my paystubs! They are about 3 sheets of paper thick 1/2″ x 4″ long. One cat will knock over the recycling and fish them out.

      2. Rebecca Stewart*

        In our house it’s cheese stick wrappers.
        He fishes them out of the can and carries them around triumphantly. Then he leaves them random places. Boyfriend was getting a couple of cheese sticks last night before bed and we joked about how the wrappers have to be treated like toxic waste or something….handle with care, lidded can, put it WAY down in or something else on top…

  42. Qwerty*

    How are you keeping your energy up or motivate yourself to do things? I think this pandemic has turned me into a permanently exhausted person! My usual moves of “just do something for 5min” or “start with a shower” don’t work anymore, when previously they would have turned into a couple hours of productivity. I actually enjoy cleaning and housework once I get started and can’t manage to convince myself to do crafts, so its not a matter of disliking the work. If I can get over the hump of the first 15min, then I’m cheerfully productive for the next 2-4hrs, but then it takes a week or two to recharge when it used to take me only an hour or so.

    I’m guessing other people have gone through this in the past couple years – how do you get yourself moving? Were there any diet or lifestyle changes that helped? I’ve been stuck with my own (limited) cooking since socializing at restaurants isn’t really a thing anymore so I wouldn’t be surprised if food was the issue.

    1. Missb*

      I’m just here to sit next to you and learn. I’m pretty much always exhausted too.

      As winter clears, I’m finding renewal in starting flowers and vegetables. It makes me push a bit more through my exhaustion each afternoon.

    2. Ravine*

      I’m in the same boat. One thing that seems to help, when I think of it, is to say my intentions out loud and basically act like an energetic camp counsellor. Basically, my voice becomes a separate being that prods my unwilling soul through the motions.

      “Okay team, time to pay those bills! It’s going to take two seconds and it’s going to feel so satisfying! First thing we’re gonna do is grab that laptop and bring it over here! Awesome! Now let’s turn it on! Gotta wait for it to boot up — beautiful day, isn’t it? la la la la laaa… OKAY, we’re in! Now what? Open the ol’ browser! *etc. etc.*”

      1. Qwerty*

        haha, this is going to be a fun one to try! Now that you mention it, I did used to talk to myself a lot but stopped when I got a cat. He’s going to start hearing a lot more conversation out of me.

        1. Jackalope*

          Maybe you could have that conversation w/ the cat instead? “Okay, Fluffy, let’s PAY THOSE BILLS! Look at me bringing the laptop over, and now I’m booting it up! Hey, want a catnip mouse while I’m waiting for it to turn on?” And so on. I used to do that with my cats before I started living w/ humans again, and they enjoyed our conversations.

    3. Generic Name*

      It’s winter. We’re in the depths of a years long global pandemic. What if you took this time to rest and reflect? If you are exhausted, your body is telling you to rest. Why is “being productive” better than rejuvenating yourself? I’m not saying to neglect children or pets, but maybe now’s not the time to deep clean the house or reorganize the garage.

      1. Generic Name*

        Sorry, you asked for productivity advice, and I did the opposite. I guess I’m chafing against the idea that every second a human spends awake should be spent making or doing.

        1. Qwerty*

          I get a lot of enjoyment out of making things and getting stuff done! I’m not telling anyone else how to live, but I want clean dishes, clean clothes, objects put away so that I’m not tripping over them. I take great joy in creating beautiful things and have cool gadgets like a 3D printer sitting unopened in a box, a stack of books that I want to read. I find crochet/knitting to be very therapeutic and great for balancing out my work life – these productive things are how I rejuvenate myself. While I won’t say I super enjoy exercise in the moment, it greatly improves the quality of my sleep and counterbalances the negative effects of sitting in a chair for work and once I get in shape enough that I’m not wheezing constantly it opens up the door for fun activities like kickboxing or zumba.

    4. Sundial*

      Watching someone else do the same thing motivates me (aka body mirroring). So if I want to work out I put on a YouTube channel with a favorite exercise coach, if I want to clean I watch a clip from Hoarders, if I want to cook/bake I watch a little piece of a culinary show.

    5. Neurodivergentsaurus Rex*

      My executive dysfunction is bad. I started ADHD coaching last month and one of the best suggestions my coach gave me was focusmate (dot) com. You book a 25 or 50 minute session with a randomly selected partner, you have a 2 second check in with them at the beginning of the call where you just each say what you’re trying to get done, then you go on mute and work, and then you have another 2 second check in at the end of the session where you say how much you got done. Useful for work and home tasks.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        How does Focusmate handle age groups?
        Our team might benefit from this but I am admittedly leery of adults being matched up with minors because of my own experiences as a minor.

    6. Windchime*

      I have had success using the Pomodoro method. I have an app on my phone and I set it for 20 minutes on, and 5 minutes off. So I set the app and then I have 20 minutes to work on a task. I challenge myself to get as much done as I can in that amount of time. When the timer goes off, it’s time for a 5 minute break. I pour myself a glass of tea and sit for a minute. The “end of rest” timer goes off and the app actually says, “Break is over. Get back to work.” Then it’s the next 20 minute session.

      It’s helpful to me because I know it’s only a 20 minute stretch and it’s honestly amazing how much I can get done in 20 minutes if I’m really focusing on the task.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      First thing I would do is look at my sleep schedule. I know I am an 8 hour person. But given these givens, I think aiming for 9 hours is okay/allowed.
      Next. What am I eating? If you can’t get much protein into you, then maybe consider a protein drink for a short bit until you start actually eating more protein. Cars won’t go down the road without fueling up, neither will we. Raw veggies can give us enzymes that are necessary for good health and good function. I make myself eat a salad almost every day.

      Water is a biggie. We forget to drink water in the winter and we can really dry out. If you want to scare the crap out of yourself, google “the symptoms of dehydration”. One is mental function. yeah, it gets scary. Be sure to have a healthy amount of water every day.

      How’s your vitamin d? We don’t get much sun in the winter and that is a natural source of D. So some of us need to supplement.

      There are days where I do all the things I am supposed to do for my health and well-being and I still want a nap. Go take the nap.

    8. La Donna*

      I think the biggest thing is forming good habits. Everything we do is habit based, and it takes a long time to get used to creating them. If you want to move more, you really need to start doing it consistently if you want it to be part of your routine.

      There’s a ton of literature on this and it’s used very much by highly motivated people. My husband is one of them so I can see how it functions in real time, and it rubs off on me.

    9. RagingADHD*

      No tips except loud music, just wanted to say that this is an actual thing with a name. This particular executive function is called “task initiation.”

      It’s not about deciding what to do, it’s not about staying focused when you do it. It’s literally starting.

      You can probably find good tips if you look that up specifically.

      2. Girasol*

        If I tell myself that I’m not going to do the task now, I just need to set the materials out so I can do it later, the activity of getting ready seems to get me over the hump. When I can’t manage even that, I remind myself that I’m an energetic, productive person, and when the time is right I’ll be struck with inspiration and dive right in. That sounds silly, but when I’m feeling guilty about my laziness and procrastination, getting started seems even harder. So I have to convince myself I’m not actually lazy, just waiting for the right moment. Oddly, it actually works.

      3. Sloan Kittering*

        Music is my only tip too. I have certain upbeat songs that are strictly for accomplishing things. I only play them when I need to be productive. Even on my worst days (which seem to be increasing) I can usually convince myself to clean for just the length of this one song I love. I wish I could find the motivation to do 20 minute pomodoros, but somehow thinking “this will literally be three minutes and then you’ll feel a lot better” can get me going. And if I’m lucky, having accomplished one thing, I’ll be able to start something else next.

    10. Starstruck*

      I actually think vacation is the answer (but I’m not excelling at finding ways to do that for myself). But a real, lengthy break of routine where it’s not even possible to do chores & you’re too occupied to worry … helps you come back to it all.

    11. Koala dreams*

      Doing things for shorter amounts of time so I don’t get exhausted for the next few days. For example, setting a timer for five minutes or putting on a song and finish when the timer or song is finished.

      Doing things during the commercials when watching tv.

    12. Double A*

      I listen to podcasts while I do any mindless chores (cleaning etc.) Doesn’t work for anything that needs even a little focus, like bill paying, but since I want to hear the rest of the podcast I keep working. I so associate podcasts with doing stuff that I can’t just sit still and listen to them. Sitting still is for reading.

    13. just another bureaucrat*

      I’ve had more luck with house loop kinds of things than dedicated tasks. Pick up one thing and carry it to the kitchen, open the dishwasher, take out one dish, get distracted, put laundry in dryer, put towels in the kitchen, see the open dishwasher and put 4 more dishes away, wonder why my purse is in the kitchen, hang the purse in it’s rightful place, grab trash bag and put it by entry way. And around and around the house. It’s been weirdly working for me.

      The other thing that has been successful is not sitting down when i get home. Once I’m sitting and doing non-productive things that I’m done. Even when it’s not the thing i want to do and it’s just like playing mindless video games I don’t even like that much.

      I also got a timer light and when I do sit down and play games I put it on and it doesn’t tick or make noise, the light just fades out after the allotted time and I’m way more likely to get up. I apparently am incredibly light motivated though.

  43. Teapot Translator*

    I have a two-fold computer question (Windows user, here).
    Part one, my current home computer (PC, not laptop) is getting old (I think I bought it 8-9 years ago). It’s slower when I start or restart the computer (usually leave it on all the time, but updates and power outages mean I have to start/restart the computer from time to time). It sometimes loses the connection to the WiFi (and I checked, it’s the computer itself, not the WiFi); there’s an issue with my printer, etc. So, what can I do to help my computer last as long as possible? Is there a checklist somewhere online of stuff to do to “maintain” a computer? Something aimed at regular people.
    Part two, if/when my computer dies, should I get another PC or a laptop? I have two big screens (one for work, one for home) and I use my home computer to watch shows, do freelance work, consume media, etc. Also, there’s the issue of space (a laptop would allow me to reduce the space used by my computers (work, school, home, etc.)). My issue with laptops is that years ago I bought a laptop (for school), and it’s so bad. It’s so slow (even brand new). I hate it. I obviously bought a bad laptop; I should have asked for advice (not from the store), but it’s soured my impressions of laptop. The one from work is great, but also, they know what they’re doing at work. I don’t.
    Thanks!

    1. Generic Name*

      For starters, you need to be restarting your PC at least once a week. I don’t know the exact reason why, but restarting it frequently clears out “stuff” and helps your system to run more efficiently. You could also google “disk cleanup how to”. Do NOT download any programs to do this. It’s something you can do yourself, following a series of simple steps.

      As for laptop versus desktop, it depends on your budget and how you use your computer. I have a laptop for work that is very thin and very fast. I’m sure it costs over a thousand dollars. If you only use your computer at your desk with a monitor setup and never want to move it to another room or travel with it, a desktop system is just fine.

    2. argh*

      I don’t know what kind of desktop/laptop you’d be looking for. My current laptop is 8 years old, and I’ve needed the screen replaced and a key doesn’t work due to an unfortunate incident with tea. The 8-yr-old laptop is not that slow, however because I do programming etc on it, I good a “good” one – it cost more than $3000, with extra memory, ram etc.

    3. ronda*

      I usually got a desktop and a laptop. Last year I went for a new laptop and docking station to attach it to my big monitor. The only disadvantages of a laptop for me is small screen and price.
      Newer computers are always getting faster and better, so I still have my old laptop as a backup and it seem so very very slow. Its kind of the nature of computers. Also laptops are getting much lighter…… my old laptop is so much heavier than my new one.
      I dont take my laptop out much, but when I travel for 2 months a year I do take it.

      So it really depends on which features are most important to you.

    4. Choggy*

      Download and run CCleaner and Malwarebytes. Delete anything in the following folders:

      C://users/(your profile)/Appdata/Local/Temp
      C://users/(your profile)/Downloads

      Empty your Recycle Bin after deleting the files.

      1. Observer*

        CCleaner can be good, but it can also do a lot of damage. And there is a lot of stuff that is just not relevant.

        Also, stuff that’s just sitting there is not really an issue unless the HD is nearly full. These measures feel good, but they generally don’t do much good.

    5. Bob Howard*

      Have you ever opened the case in that time? If the case & CPU fans are choked with dust & lint the computer could be throttling down automatically to prevent the CPU from overheating.

      Backup all critical files onto external media. Disconnect from mains electricity. Open the case. Make sure you and the PC are grounded throughout the procedure. Take anti-static precautions. Using an old toothbrush and a vacuum on very LOW suction, GENTLY clear away the dust, lint and crud on all the fans & heatsinks. Make sure all fans turn freely before closing the case. You can probably find a video on YouTube.

    6. Observer*

      Some things that can help a slow computer:

      * Check your hard drive – if it has less than 10% free that’s going to be a problem. Ideally you would have 20% free. Emptying your trash bin can be ONE way to free us some space, depending on your usage. If you have lots of downloads that you don’t need anymore, that can often be a good way to clear space. If you have a lot of media files, you could offload them to an external drive.

      * Use program like AutoRuns to see what is starting up when you start your computer. Disable anything you don’t need. Keep a record of what you disabled, as you might wind up disabling something you actually do need. A good way to figure this out is to post on forums where people will help you to figure out what a given app / file does.

      * Check the “services” on your computer and disable anything you don’t need. One thing I often do is to change the status from “automatic start” to “start when it’s needed”. This insures that the item won’t start up when the machine is booting, which speeds up startup, but that I have the thing running if it’s really necessary.

      * Make sure you have a decent anti-malware program running. If you don’t, then download one (Malware Bytes that someone else suggested is an excellent choice for this) and run the most exhaustive scan that it offers.

      * Occasional, reformatting your hard drive and reinstalling all the programs you actually need is helpful. But it’s a bit of a last resort.

      * Check for dust and blow it out. @Bob Howard provided some pretty good instructions.

    7. Observer*

      On the laptop vs desktop question, there are a few things to consider.

      I have found that by and large, you pay more for a laptop with the same level of durability and power as a desktop, even allowing for the fact that you need a monitor for a desktop.

      Laptops are less ergonomic than desktops – the screens are smaller and the spatial relationships between the parts really makes a difference.

      Laptops do take up a lot less space unless you add external keyboard or monitors to deal wit the ergonomics, in which case you might still be able to save space, but not as much.

      Having said that,laptops DO give you mobility that you simply cannot get from a desktop. Also, if you are willing to pay for a good unit, there is no reason you can’t get something with excellent performance. What you would be looking for is a “desktop replacement.”

      The key specs to look at are
      * Processor – You don’t need the highest end processor. But you don’t want bottom of the barrel or truly mobile only processors.

      * Hard drive – get something that a fair bit bigger than what you have now. More importantly, get a decent SSD. The speed of the HD is crucial.

      * RAM – Get enough memory. Even though you can technically get by with 4 GB of RAM, in my experience, 8 GB is really the minimum if you want reasonably good performance.

    8. Qwerty*

      Glary Utilities is a free app that helps with computer efficiency. There’s a “1-click Maintenance” option that runs a suite of clean up tasks (I usually uncheck Disk Repair and Tracks Eraser and run those manual at lesser intervals).

      I find it super helpful during the last year of a computer’s life, especially the Disk Repair option. I tend to have disk issues with laptops (not sure if that’s a common end-of-life problem), and by the end I was running the disk repair weekly.

      It has a Startup Manager that lets you see all the stuff that runs on startup – if you are having slowness when your computer turns on, I bet there’s a bunch of apps that are all trying to start various things at once. Be careful with this menu, especially if you don’t know what the random services are, but at least you can decide some of the obvious apps that don’t need to start automatically. I usually only change a couple things at time, restart, then use the computer for a while so that way if I mess anything up I know what I changed and can undo it.

      Also – make sure that you have stuff scan for spyware and malware. I use MalwareBytes and Spybot Search & Destroy and run them monthly (more often if things are slow)

      I don’t have great advice on how to pick a laptop vs PC or even which computer to pick, but I’d recommend trying to Google what issues they have to see how big the online community for getting help. Also search by the type of use that you’ll be doing – gaming vs artsy stuff vs writing code all have different needs and a great computer for one may perform poorly for others.

    9. Bob Howard*

      Does your work laptop have the facility to use a docking station? Do they let you take a docking station home?
      Laptops that can connect to a docking station cost more, but the convenience if regularly connecting to external mouse, keyboard, monitor & wired internet is well worth it.

    10. Workerbee*

      If you like your work laptop, then get the same kind as your personal laptop. See if your workplace has an employee discount if you buy through them.

      I have a giant monitor that I hook my personal laptop up to via HDMI cable and a USB for the keyboard. (I do the exact same thing for my work laptop–no dock needed.)

      I do still have a desktop box that I use for my music files but nothing else.

  44. Bluey Christine Heeler*

    Favorite Sheetz order? Lately I’ve been going through a phase of ordering their mozzarella sticks and fried pickles with boom boom sauce.

    1. fueled by coffee*

      Fried macaroni & cheese bites! (I’m a Wawa girl at heart, but Sheetz will do when driving West or North.)

  45. Ravine*

    Divorce-related financial quandary!

    My mom (single, 67) just got a letter from my dad’s lawyer. They divorced about twenty years ago and she’s had spousal payments since. Despite living very comfortably (married, big house, cottage, two cars, indexed pension), he now wants to completely cut her off financially with only three months’ notice.

    She has had health problems for many years which have prevented her from working. She has not accumulated much in the way of savings and owns no property. If she loses this income, she will instantly fall under the poverty line. She’ll have to leave her two-bedroom apartment, and the current rental market is such that she’ll have to move to a craphole of a bachelor with her two cats and live on very, very little money for all of her expenses as an aging person.

    She’s now stuck between (1) hiring an expensive lawyer to *improve* her **chances** of ***keeping*** her spousal support, or (2) representing herself, so that if she loses, at least she’s not out thousands of dollars in fees from the word go… while also making it more likely that she’ll lose.

    What should she do? How can I help her?

    1. Sunflower*

      As someone who wouldn’t know where to start, this sounds like maybe a good call to make to your EAP if you have one through work. I can’t be 100% sure but I know a lot help with financial planning for aging parents and this may fall under that. If not, they might have some go-to resources that will help

    2. fposte*

      I would go for a consult with a lawyer to see what they thought. That doesn’t commit her to hiring them–depending on where she’s located, it could even be a free consultation–and it will give her a lot more information about the situation in terms of her state’s laws and practices on lifetime support.

      Is she eligible to collect Social Security based on his income? If she hasn’t checked that out, that’s something you could look into for her.

      1. Ravine*

        We’re in Canada, but yes, she gets the equivalent of that. It’s just not very much. Living on government assistance alone is very tough, especially as a single person who can’t share the cost of rent, utilities, internet, car, etc.

        She’s spoken to one or two lawyers. I don’t know what she plans on doing. She’s very wary and discouraged because she spent something like $60K for the original agreement back in the day, but her lawyers turned out to be pretty incompetent: she learned years later that she could have gotten a much better deal. She still has huge regrets about that, but at least her situation has been stable until now.

        1. fposte*

          I know this isn’t a fun suggestion, but can she find a way to share that cost by moving to a roommating situation?

          In the US I think judicial responses could vary from “spousal support isn’t intended to be permanent and ma’am, you had time to prepare” to “sir, you knew this was the agreement when you signed it and the state isn’t interested in picking up the tab just because you’re not feeling it.” A lot will depend on the specifics of that original agreement and how the province tends to run. Charlotte Lucas’ point about whether your dad realizes what he would be doing to your relationship with him is a good one.

          1. Ravine*

            I haven’t seen the lawyer’s letter, but apparently he is saying that he shouldn’t have to pay spousal support for longer than the original marriage lasted.

            And sure, that’s logical. But it wasn’t stated in the agreement you signed, so why should he get to come up with that stipulation now? He’s playing divorce Calvinball.

            He’s also saying that, because her mom just passed away, she’s going to receive an inheritance, which changes things. First of all, REAL CLASSY, DAD. Secondly, it’s not going to be nearly enough to compensate.

            She definitely could have prepared more, I think. The initial agreement didn’t entitle her to anything after his death, so I mean, this situation could have happened regardless if he’d suddenly had a heart attack and died. I’m not going to say she wasn’t at least a little complacent. But what’s done is done. I really hope she gets a sympathetic judge who agrees that he doesn’t get to just tap out of paying for no particular reason.

          2. Ravine*

            RE: Roommating… yeah, I think that’s going to have to be on the table. She’s already in a Facebook group for older women in similar situations who are potentially interested in sharing a residence.

        2. Generalist*

          Check out Legal Aid in her area. Depending on net income, she might qualify and they should have some lawyers who specialize in family/divorce law.

      2. fueled by coffee*

        I agree with this. A lawyer will probably have a better sense of all the options available to your mom; if neither of you have any legal expertise, you’d be fighting blind. I’d also suggest a financial planner (just for an initial meeting to talk through options) and/or getting in touch with your local senior services, who might also know other sources of support for older adults with limited income, especially given her health issues.

    3. Charlotte Lucas*

      If you are in the US & they were married long enough, she does have a right to social security through him, too. If she isn’t already collecting, she should look into that.

      I second EAP. And finding what the original divorce agreement was.

      Honestly, if my dad tried to pull something like this, it would affect his relationship with me.

      1. Ravine*

        Yeah, I haven’t spoken to my dad in the weeks since he sent the letter. I don’t know what I would say to him. We don’t have a super close relationship to begin with, honestly.

    4. Sabine the Very Mean*

      Sounds to me like he’s banking on the idea that she can’t/won’t hire a lawyer or fight for her rights. I’d guess there’s very little chance of him winning even if she does represent herself. These things are based on precedent and formulas prescribed by law.

    5. Glomarization, Esq.*

      If you haven’t already, check to see if she might qualify for legal aid (search terms: legal aid provincename). Or try a law school clinic (family law clinic law school provincename).

      To hire a lawyer to renegotiate a spousal support agreement, it shouldn’t cost anywhere near $60,000.00. And I mean the overall cost should be way, way less than a tenth of that.

      If she does hire a lawyer, and she should, you might help by paying some percentage of the fees. Also, the court filings may require financial disclosures, so you might help by chasing down information like her Notices of Assessment or proof of income statements for the past few years and her monthly expenses.

    6. Jen*

      I’m a lawyer (haven’t done family law since clinic, thougg)..

      She 100% needs a lawyer. Lots offer free initial consultations and payment plans, but if she truly can’t afford it she should reach out to legal aid and clinic (with the note that those can sometimes have waiting lists and if she can’t get into them she really should try to see somebody, the cost of not doing so can easily outweigh legal fees).

    7. Kathenus*

      Echoing everyone about a lawyer. The other thing that came to my mind, and I don’t presume to know your family situation, is whether or not you have any leverage with your dad. I was in a potentially similar situation that didn’t materialize between my parents – separated for 20+ years, mom had various health issues so reliant upon my dad for income and health insurance, and our worry that once she was Medicare eligible he’d try to cut her off somewhat. If that happened I was prepared to tell my dad that this would irrevocably change my relationship with him. Fortunately that didn’t happen, but I was ready to take that step if I had to. Don’t want to speak to what you should or shouldn’t do, just sharing my story.

    8. sequined histories*

      Agreeing with everyone that your mom needs legal representation—whether from some organization serving low-income individuals or someone you guys scrape together some money to pay. No way should it cost tens of thousands of dollars, though. It sounds like it will be cheaper in the long run to hire adequate legal representation and now.

      Also—while I am not a lawyer—expecting someone who is already 67 and afflicted with various health problems to suddenly become MORE financially independent seems A) absurd on its face and B) like something that will not actually go over too well in the court system. From what little I know about the law, the fact that your Dad apparently feels like he’s paid her enough already really isn’t LEGALLY relevant.

    9. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

      No advice, but my grandfather wanted to lower his alimony to my grandmother at one point and I’m pretty sure nothing came of it. I can’t remember anything happening at least, but it would have been prime family conversation fodder if it had. Just an encouraging data point.

      It also made some of the younger generation mad, because the stated reason was because Grandma didn’t need the money and Grandpa did, which was complete hogwash. And your dad’s is hogwash too.

    10. Chaordic One*

      I agree with the others who said she needs to talk to a lawyer again. A lot depends on what was agreed to in the original divorce agreement. Has your father recently retired or experienced a change in his financial situation? I’m aware of divorce agreements that stipulated that when the spouse providing support retires, the support ends at that point. (Of course, that was after the couple’s investments and retirement’s accounts had been divided equally.) I’m only speculating, but given the age of parents, I wonder if something like that might be going on.

    1. fposte*

      Two main ongoing goals: get the hang of my air fryer and use up some oversized storage of dried beans and pasta. I love to freeze serving-sized containers of soup and dried beans are perfect for that. Next up on that is a split-pea soup. I have carrots hanging around looking for a purpose and I have found I really love super-roasted carrots in the air fryer.

      However, my real novelty is a non-cook prep–I’ve been trying to eat more leafy greens, and I found the key for me was finding a salad bowl I really enjoy using (pottery from Etsy, in my case). So I’ve been doing bowls of spring greens with dried cherries and sliced almonds, just with a little Blaze balsamic drizzled on.

      1. Pam Adams*

        I used to keep dried cranberries, almonds, and blue cheese crumbles in the refrigerator- livens up any salad.

        I agree- the right salad bowl is so important!

      2. GoryDetails*

        I should do that! I like having Interesting Salad Makings on hand (and my Aerogardens provide plenty of fresh greens and herbs), but I don’t actually make the salads as often as I’d like. An appealing bowl might help remind me…

    2. UKDancer*

      Tonight – steak with rice and cauliflower cheese. I went to the butcher and have a very nice piece of sirloin. It’s been a long week and I always feel steak gives me more energy. Tomorrow I am going to do harissa chicken bake with feta and pine nuts with couscous.

      1. LizB*

        Oh my gosh, that chicken bake sounds delicious, and I have both feta and pine nuts in the house! Do you have a recipe to share?

        1. UKDancer*

          Yes of course. It’s the BBC recipe from the BBC good food website but I’ve modified with tomato and stock because I don’t think their recipe has enough liquid. This makes enough for about 2-3 people so modify quantities accordingly. I tend to cook by taste so adjust things if you like it more spicy / less spicy etc.

          BBC Harissa Chicken
          • Chicken breast (1 big or 2 small)
          • 2 red onions , cut into quarters
          • 1 large red pepper roughly chopped
          • 100g feta cheese
          • Pine nuts
          • 1 tin plum tomatoes / some tomato paste / passata
          • 200ml chicken stock
          • 2tbps harissa paste
          • 2 tbsp red wine vinegar

          Heat oven to 200c
          Mix harissa and vinegar
          Chop onion and pepper. Chop chicken if needed.
          Dunk onion and chicken in paste mix. Add to roasting tin
          Pour over tomatoes and stock
          Cook for 30-40 mins and see if it’s cooked through.
          Add pepper
          Cook for 10 mins more
          Add feta and pine nuts towards the end for about the last 5 mins.

          Serve with couscous or rice.

    3. Lizabeth*

      Tried a buffalo chickpea recipe that was awesome…did the dried chickpeas in a slow cooker. Either I cooked them too long or something because they were mushy in texture – not like the ones from a can. So made hummus from the rest. Any suggestions for cooking them yourself that doesn’t turn out mushy?

      1. Lizabeth*

        And serious ugh, just made chocolate cake and forgot the milk that goes into it. 1/2 cup worth…don’t know how it’s going to turn out.

    4. LizB*

      Last night I made Spinach & Chicken Quesadillas from the food blog Take A Mega Bite, with Mexican Street Corn Salad (Esquites) from Serious Eats on the side. (Not including links to avoid moderation, but both recipes are easily googleable.) Both dishes were GREAT – I make the quesadillas a lot, but the salad was a new one for me, and it’s definitely getting added to my side dish rotation. So easy and SO tasty.

    5. Girasol*

      Cottage pie: lots of root veggies and onions and ground beef simmered in copious amounts of red wine and worcestershire sauce with a sprinkle of thyme, topped with mashed potatoes and cheese. It’s still comfort food season around here.

    8. mreasy*

      Improved a meatless “bolognese” with black lentils and mushrooms that turned out fantastic. I used shallots, garlic, tons of fresh thyme, and deglazed with red wine a few times.

    9. Rebecca Stewart*

      Post-surgery food planning! I’m going to have the remainder of my thyroid taken out next week. First half got taken out in 2000 for misbehavior, and the right side, not learning anything, repeated the misbehavior x 2.

      Yesterday I made a loaf of orange spice bread, and then I made biscuits and sausage gravy because that’s mushy and I can eat it (the thyroid nodules are pressing on my esophagus and I get spasms if I eat things that aren’t soft). I have more biscuits than gravy so today I will make a bread pudding with the remaining biscuits. More soft food but is also comfort food for later when I am home recovering. I’m also going to make a sausage and cheddar and herb quichecake; sort of a hybrid of a crustless quiche and a savory cheesecake. It warms up well and is easy to make and satisfying for breakfasts when I come home. Cooking also distracts me from pre-surgery nerves.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        If you happen to see this and are feeling up to it, I would LOVE the recipe for that quichecake.

    10. Cj*

      I’m in the process of making knip, which is a German food that is made of cooked meat that is then ground, combined with cooked oatmeal, and then fried.

      I guess in the olden days it was made from the meat from boiling a hogs head. I use 2/3 pork and 1/3 beef shoulders.

    11. Damn it, Hardison!*

      I made guacamole from all of the avocados that ripened at once (despite being at different stages when I bought them, why?) and threw in some random defrosted roasted corn. Not a bad addition! Then I made brownies and remembered to bake them in my mini muffin tin instead of a regular square pan. Lots of crispy, chewy edges. In honor of the Super Bowl, I will be making potato skins and sticky, spicy chicken tenders.

      1. MacGillicuddy*

        After having a cooperative dinner cancelled, ( where I was supposed to bring the guacamole) I found myself with 7 avocados that all got ripe at once –
        And discovered that you can freeze guacamole!
        Make the entire batch (mine is the lime juice, salt, hot sauce, and Worcestershire recipe). Then divide into ziplock bags and squeeze ALL the air out before you zip them. Put all the small bags into a larger ziplock bag and freeze.

        Thaw by putting a small bag into a bowl of warm water. To serve, cut the corner off the bag & squeeze the guac out.

    12. Angstrom*

      Dog treats. Several large sweet potatoes cut up and roasted, pound of ground turkey browned, mixed, added quick rolled outs and potato flour to make stiff dough. Rolled into bite-sized balls and baked at 250F until dried through and very crunchy.

  47. Sundial*

    Does anyone here practice diet restrictions because your partner needs them? Have you found it feasible, long-term?

    I’m on a strict GERD diet (no alcohol or soda, very low fat/very low sugar/no dairy/no spice, various trigger foods avoided) and recently went extremely low sodium as well due to my husband’s needs. Now more testing is suggesting that he may need to go gluten-free as well, and I’m just…over it.

    I know he won’t be compliant unless I adopt it too and thus keep gluten out of the house, but holy hell am I fed up. There’s more forbidden foods than allowed foods at this point.

    1. fueled by coffee*

      So… I don’t think the problem here is the diet. There are certainly cases (severe allergies, religious restrictions) where the whole household needs to adopt the same diet, but I think the real issue here is that you feel responsible for your partner’s health, and that you need to avoid gluten and sodium so that he can comply with medical advice (and possibly vice versa? It’s not clear to me if he’s also adopting the GERD diet).

      In practical terms, I think it’s possible to come up with a few base dishes that meet both your needs so you aren’t cooking two fully separate meals all the time, and then add sauces/sides/snacks that each of you enjoy even if the other can’t eat them (so he might get a gluten free dessert while you eat something gluten-containing but sugar-free, for example, or you can add salt to a low-sodium dish while he seasons it with something spicier). But for that to work, you each have to be okay with food that you can’t eat being present in your household, and it’s not clear to me that that’s what’s happening here.

      1. Sundial*

        I’m just being realistic about his flaws and his willpower. I’m a moderator, he’s an abstainer. I’m capable of not eating things I shouldn’t, but he needs them out of his reach.

        In non-food parts of our life, he similarly shores up my own weak points.

        1. fposte*

          Yeah, I have huge food restrictions at times and I can’t have the stuff in the house when that’s the case. I exercise my self-control at the checkout counter but then it’s gone. That’s just the way and I don’t fret about it at this point. I’ve lived alone for a while but if I lived with someone we’d have to figure out something–for me a locked (opaque) lunchbox in fridge and/or cabinet might be enough of a barrier to keep me out of it and not fretting about it–might that work for him? The ones I see on Amazon have a very luggage-y not-food appearance that would be perfect for me.

          It also depends on how he feels about things being eaten in front of him and whether you have a chance to eat meals without him. For me if you lock up the pasta and eat it at lunch when I’m at work I could probably live with that. And sometimes having a little taste of somebody’s stuff is a good thing–the “it’s theirs” field is enough to keep me from considering it as a possibility.

          1. Observer*

            And sometimes having a little taste of somebody’s stuff is a good thing–the “it’s theirs” field is enough to keep me from considering it as a possibility.

            It really depends on what the issue is. Like if it’s celiac, most probably even “a little taste” of something like pasta is going to be bad news.

        2. Starstruck*

          I’m an abstainer but I can resist food if it doesn’t belong to me. Once I get past a few weeks of giving up an item I can convince myself I don’t eat that thing & don’t like or want it. Maybe he could get past the hump if he can just resist temptation (or if you remove temptation) just temporarily?

      2. Dark Macadamia*

        +1 I know it’s distressing if he is having health issues because of his choices but you shouldn’t have to take on this level of emotional labor (and further restrict your own eating habits!) for someone who apparently won’t put in that effort for his own needs. I’m saying this from your husband’s side as the one in my family with poor impulse control – it would never cross my mind to limit my husband’s food options as a way to manage MY eating. And it would be upsetting if he took it upon himself to do that, both for his sake and mine.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Yes, this — I ask my husband not to buy *me* candy and junk food when I’m attempting to reduce my junk food intake, but I don’t ask him not to eat it himself, and vice versa.

    2. Berlin Berlin*

      How concerning would the effects be if he didn’t go gluten-free? I know there are a number of tests which purport to show that you shouldn’t eat gluten without a strong scientific foundation so is a second opinion from another medical professional possible?

      Does he keep the foods you can’t eat out of the house? If you make the sacrifices for him but not vice versa that seems unfair and frustration would be understandable.
      It does sound like if you have to avoid gluten on top of the restrictions you need to follow you might have difficulty meeting your nutritional needs – your health is just as important!

    3. Green Beans*

      I have a bunch of food allergies and I very much have a adopted a “your food restrictions are yours to manage” for everyone else in my life. I don’t have the energy or desire to restrict my diet any more then necessary. I would suggest you take that stance with your husband.

    4. Hlao-roo*

      I agree with fueled by coffee, and I can offer some examples specific to being gluten-free. I have celiac disease, so I’ve been on a gluten-free diet for many years. Growing up, the rest of my family still ate gluten. I knew which foods I could and could not eat. The few times I was tempted and at something I should have, the natural consequences were enough that now when I see a loaf of bread (or what have you) it doesn’t even look like food to me.

      For another example, my cousins and aunt all also have celiac and my uncle does not. For a few years after the rest of his family was diagnosed, he would eat Cheez-Its and Oreos in his car because they would all give him sad puppy dog eyes if he ate those snacks in the house (and Nabisco now makes gluten-free oreos! They didn’t at the time). Now that it’s been a few years and my cousins and aunt are all adjusted to being on a gluten-free diet, my uncle keeps some glutenous foods in the house, like a loaf of bread for sandwiches and a box of Cheez-Its or another snack. Most of the food that all of them eat is gluten-free, or course, because it makes sense for him to eat what the other members of his family are eating.

      I am sympathetic to the fact the with a much more restricted diet than just being gluten-free, it’s more tempting for your husband to eat what he shouldn’t. I hope you can work something out with him so you aren’t smuggling cookies and crackers around in your car, like my uncle did for a while!

    5. Forensic13*

      Can you have a locked/“secret” cabinet with your food? That’s what we do in my house—my husband can’t moderate but can abstain, and I can’t do either BUT I have ADHD so if I hide my snacks I only remember than occasionally. I don’t mean literally lying to your partner; just making it so it’s not sitting out in temptation and isn’t accessible.

    6. University Schlep*

      I think at some point your husband needs to own his own health. You are not his mother.

      I know it is EASIER for him if the food is out of the house, but he is a grown-up.

      I think it is one thing to say that a meal you commonly eat together, probably dinner, will be planned around both of your dietary needs and have that meal be restrictive, but to say you have to eat that way all the time because he is not capable of not taking a slice of bread if you have a loaf in the house is unreasonable.

      He CAN learn to not eat food that trigger his issues, he is putting the burden on you and you are letting him.

      Also I couldn’t quite tell if the GERD diet was for your health or his, but if you are both avoiding different foods and trying to incorporate each- others avoidance in your meals you could both end up with so restrictive a diet as to be unhealthy. Or if you are trying to avoid his foods while you are also avoiding things for your own needs.

      1. Bootcamper*

        Yes, exactly. My husband also has a harder time not eating what is in front of him, but I’ve found that simply by expressing my annoyance when he was eating up all the snacks I specifically bought for my bike commutes, plus me making a simple effort to place those snacks in a more out-of-the-way cupboard so he doesn’t see them all the time, he’s lost most of the temptation.

    7. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      If your husband is a snacker who can’t moderate, gluten containing foods that need preparation may be the trick. Is he likely to go after flour or uncooked pasta? I would think it would be more a matter of avoiding crackers/cookies/condiments with gluten around.

    8. Not So NewReader*

      We reached that point of more forbidden foods than allowed foods here, too.

      Life did go on.

      I did drop the other shoe one day. I told him he had to participate in shopping and meal prep. I had been doing it all and it was too much to play “guess what hubby wants to eat today”. I was sick of it. It took a bit, but he actually got into it. At one point he even baked a chocolate cake that met both of our dietary requirements- except for that chocolate part- heee, heee, heee.

      Turn it around and see if you can make it about “time together”. Some weeks the only time we really spent together was getting groceries. We worked long hours. Then there was meal prep and that gave us another spot of time together. Like you, I was so sick of it but I did manage to dial back to tolerating it once he became more involved and connected to the process.

      My inroad was to point out to him, “What if I went in the hospital, or went to visit Cousin Jane in [far away place]? How will you cope with keeping yourself healthy? It’s not optional, if you don’t eat properly you’ll end up in the ER. So what are you going to add to your routine this week?” We started real simple, veggies, carb, protein. And after a bit we expanded from there.

      It started with his diabetes and exploded into so much more with my concerns. Of it all, I missed the spontaneity of meal time. “Oh let’s grab a slice of pizza!” We could no longer do this spur of the moment stuff. Each and every meal had to be planned. It’s as much his responsibility as it is yours.

    9. RagingADHD*

      This is going to depend on your relationship and his psychology, but one thing that could work is if you only buy/prepare enough of the salty or gluten foods for yourself. It’s not just “around,” it’s *yours.* If he eats it, he’s taking it away from you.

      I have a terrible sweet tooth and poor impulse control, but I can keep my hands off the kids’ candy because it isn’t up for grabs. It’s theirs.

    10. Sleeping Late Every Day*

      I’d frame it as the medical issue it is. If instead of food, it was a prescription, you wouldn’t be expected to take the same pills he does. Or you wouldn’t undergo the same tests or treatments just to make him comply, nor would he do that for you. Thinking of it that way, it’s akin to a parent coaxing a very young child into taking medicine, “Look, Mommy is taking some and it’s yum yum yummy!” (as Mommy pretends to put it in her mouth and swallow). Nope. Can he cook? How about using a weekend to help him (if he needs it) prepare a variety of things he can eat that can be frozen, and on another weekend he can help YOU prepare food you eat, and freeze that, so you can then eat different foods at the same meals.

    11. DinosaurWrangler*

      The problem with gluten depends on how sensitive the person is. I have a friend who can’t even eat things that are labeled gluten free. That’s because the label “gluten-free” usually means the manufacturer has tested the food so that it is below a certain number of parts per million (this is my non-scientific understanding as explained by my friend). So even a trace amount below this level will make them sick. My friend has such an extreme case of celiac that they make all their food from scratch. They eat really well but it’s a huge amount of work.

  48. RT*

    I need help cheering someone up. What would you get a coworker/close friend who’s in a funk after a breaking up with their SO of several years?

    1. AGD*

      I did this for a friend a few years ago. Several types of goofy/unusual candy from the specialty/import place, a very pretty notebook, and lots of little things from the buy-local gift shop (a nice ornament, a scarf, a small needlepoint kit with everything included).

    2. Suprisingly ADHD*

      I have a family member who mails me stuffed animals from the dollar store when I’m really down. The package on the doorstep is a nice surprise, and he usually adds a note like “I was just thinking of you and this guy caught my eye”

    3. Nina*

      Things they like. Sounds trite, but there’s no one size fits all here. Some people will appreciate food, others flowers, others sweet treats, others would prefer books or toiletries or stationery – so what does this particular person like? What kinds of treats do they go for?

      1. Ali + Nino*

        Along this thread – gift cards for places you know they like to shop, or Meal delivery service (they can choose the restaurant and when to use it).

    4. Generic Name*

      Can you do Galentines Day with her this year? Sending a subscription box or a gift basket with stuff she likes might cheer her up.

      1. beentheredonethat*

        I bought snarky postcards and I have been randomly sending them out. It is fun and distracting.

    7. Silence*

      Send cute pics of their favourite animal. If you have the time/ interest invite them to do things together.

  49. Exercise ideas?*

    Finally breaking down and asking for some Internet exercise options. My personal favorite forms of exercise are outdoors – hiking & biking. I can still bike right now, but in my area most of the hiking trails are still snowed in, and I can’t get to them after work & before dark. I also go for runs sometimes but my knees don’t let me do that all the time. I was previously going to a gym but can’t right now because we have someone super high risk in our household. So does anyone have ideas for online exercise videos that aren’t… boring? I have a couple of small weights (10-15 lbs) & could do something with that, but I haven’t managed to make it work at ALL during the pandemic. Usually my reward for exercise is getting to spend time outside, and I’ve had a hard time maintaining stuff inside, but I’m getting desperate & am willing to try something else.

      1. Berlin Berlin*

        Seconding this, they offer a decent variety to mitigate boredom. Most of their workouts tend to have more of a cardio focus than strength (with exceptions).

        How do you feel about yoga? Yoga With Tim is a brilliant YouTube channel and a lot of his yoga sessions really test your strength – I was pleasantly surprised by the improvement when I did them daily in Lockdown 1 (I did not manage to keep this up after the first unlocking unfortunately).

    2. fposte*

      I don’t know what your space is like, but I *love* my elliptical; I’ve had it for over 10 years and even if I drift away, I always come back. This is the time of the year that New Year’s resolutions start turning up on FB Marketplace and the like, so you could probably get one for cheap.

    3. UKDancer*

      Dance classes? I love dancing and have found a range of classes online that I can do over Zoom. If you’re in a London compatible time zone then Pineapple Dance Studio run a range of dance classes from African Dancing to Zumba over zoom.

      I also do ballet online, bellydance online and some other things on an ad hoc basis.

      There may be something similar in your time zone.

    5. Pharmgirl*

      I’ve really been enjoying Caroline Girvan on YouTube. She has a bunch of free programs on her channel. Its the first at home program that I’ve stuck with for a long time – she varies things up enough that you never feel like you’re repeating the same videos week after week.

  50. Anonymous cat*

    Does anyone know a good retreat center accessible from NYC? I think I need some structure in decompressing and googling “retreats near NYC” brings up so many places! Has anyone had a good experience at one and can share?

        1. ReTREAT*

          A lot of meditation retreat centers will organize ride shares, if a meditation retreat is of interest. Might be a little father than your range but the IMS center in Barre MA was wonderful. People also like Kripalu in the Berkshires which is right about 3/3.5 hrs from nyc. They have meditation, yoga, and also massages and stuff like that if you’re looking for more pampering.(Caveat: I haven’t done any retreats since COVID so not sure what these centers are offering right now). Enjoy!!

          1. Rosemary*

            I have friends who have gone to Kripalu and really enjoyed it. I imagine they offer some sort of transport service from the train since I am sure they get a lot of NYCers without cars (maybe Albany? that is were I took the train once to go to Canyon Ranch in Lenox — also very nice, if that is your thing)

    2. Retreats*

      I’ve gone to some retreats at the Garrison Institute. It’s not far from NYC, on Metro North, and they can pick you up at the station if you want (it’s a short-ish walk from the station to Garrison). The grounds are great, you’re near the Hudson, there are green spaces to lounge and walk/hike. I’d come back super refreshed. Caveat: I haven’t been since the pandemic so I’m not sure what they’re doing now.

  52. moonstone*

    What is a good toy to give for a baby that is now 6 months old? I know kids grow fast so ideally I would want this toy to be something the baby could potentially enjoy for a couple of years (if he doesn’t lose interest).

    1. Dark Macadamia*

      Stacking/nesting cups! When they’re younger they can grab them and bang them against things, then they can stack and organize them, then they can use them for imaginative play.

    3. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      I agree on low tech ages better – stacking cups, wooden alphabet blocks, a magic tissue box, come to mind.

    4. merope*

      I bought my nibling a set of foam building blocks, with many different shapes. The blocks were used for many years! I agree that toys for imaginative play are probably the best, because they can be used in so many different ways as the child grows.

    5. Jen*

      A medium size ball is never a bad idea.

      My son got his stuffed bunny at 5 is months and he sleeps with it now (he’s 3). But stuffed animals can 100% be overdone. We have so, so many.

    6. Potatoes gonna potate*

      Honestly, my kid was/is more interested in tissue and paper and books (but only to chew on). She’s never really been interested in many toys. But I think Legos are a great gift and if the parent has enough storage space to hold on to something for a few months for when the kid will be of proper age to use it.

        1. Jen*

          I wouldn’t give my kid lego at 3. He doesn’t quite have the fine motor skills for it.

          I really wouldn’t recommend giving a gift they absolutely can’t use for years.

          Duplo are better but definitely harder to use until 18 months to 2. Megablocks are easier to put together and might be usable for a 1 year old. Magnatiles you can pinch yourself on and I’d recommend more for a 3 year old.

          I’d recommend just straight plastic/rubber blocks for a 6 month old.

        2. Potatoes gonna potate*

          Yes that’s the one I meant. I believe Duplo is under the Lego brand and appropriate for age 1 and up

    7. Fellow Traveller*

      Mozart cube! Mine has lasted through three kids and it still gets played with by the four year old.

    8. Double A*

      My daughter’s favorite toy always was and continues to be whatever least baby appropriate thing she could get her hands on, so I used to think baby toys were pointless. My son, who is 8 months old, will actually sit and play with age appropriate toys. For like half an hour.

      My favorite thing that he likes to play with is actually something I got for my 3 year old, so it will be a toy that has a ton of life: the Melissa and Doug Bead Sequencing set. For a baby, they like to grab at the different colors and shapes. I just put a bunch in a mixing bowl and set them down in front of my son and he’s set. As they get older, the sticks will become fun (seriously sticks might be the only toy kids need), and you can also string the beads. When they hit 4 or so they can try to make the bead sequences.

      The other toy that has been surprisingly enjoyable for both of us is the Melissa and Doug classic stacking train. It’s super cute, and honestly I’ve found it kind of fun to reassemble in different ways and actually play with my son with it.

  53. Sabine the Very Mean*

    I can’t tell you how tired I am of these shows about teens having extremely adult sex. They are so disturbing to watch as an adult. I know it likely depicts reality in many ways but actually seeing actors portray teens having sex is so gross. And I was a teen having sex.

    1. Enough*

      I think there is entirely too much sex and it is getting too explicit across the board. Too often it is entirely unnecessary to the story

    2. RagingADHD*

      To me, watching sex scenes very quickly becomes like watching people chew their food.

      I love to eat! Eating in real life is awesome! But extended, detailed eating scenes tend to be either boring or gross.

      I’m happy to know they had a nice meal. Or a not-nice meal. An establishing shot of the table can reveal character and set the tone. Maybe they have an important conversation, or the meal changes the dynamic of the relationship. Fine, that can be established artfully and concisely without bringing the story to a grinding halt.

      I don’t need or want to watch every bite.

    3. Dino*

      I couldn’t watch Euphoria because I was working in K-12 and seeing shit that I’d have to mandatory report if I knew about it happening IRL became too distressing. We all have our limits and squicks

    4. Potatoes gonna potate*

      I feel the same but for IRL as well. And yes the irony is not lost on me and now I find myself thinking ok maybe my parents did have a point when they didn’t like certain things…..

    5. just another bureaucrat*

      Yup. I’ve had a few shows where I was just like, you know what I don’t need to see these kids doing this. They are children and this is weird and not enjoyable. Next.

      It’s honestly the thing that’s made me feel like most like I’m old.

    6. Lirael*

      Oh my god, one episode of And Just Like That was SO disturbing from that point of view. I’ve never felt so old!

    1. Starstruck*

      Haven’t watched it yet, but looking forward to it. I’m watching Married at First Sight (US) though, which I also recommend.

    2. milaxo*

      Yes! I don’t have much hope for any of them. I’ll be surprised if even 2 of the couples say “I do” and go through with things.

      1. awesome3*

        Would be really interesting if none of them say I do, but the people who got engaged in the pods but weren’t chosen to keep going did end up getting married or staying together at least

    3. Sabine the Very Mean*

      Yes! I hated that they pretended to bring real people on but ended up with the pretty hard bodies after all.

  55. Goose*

    Something in my apartment is beeping incessantly. I’ve narrowed it down to the AC or the water heater, but none have clear electronics that could be making the noise. I rent a condo from an absent landlord so I need to hire someone myself to investigate and fix the issue. How do I find a plumber or AC tech? Is there someone I should call to help me narrow down the issue first? I’m used to apartment building with maintenance so this is the first time I’m having to fix things like this myself

    1. Goose*

      Also I’m going out of town for a week starting Tuesday so this will have to wait u til I get back anyway

    2. The teapots are on fire*

      I had an apartment once with a dishwasher that beeped if you left the door open. This confused me as my mother had trained me to leave the dishwasher door unlatched so the dirty dishes wouldn’t get stinky (which turns out to make no difference whatsoever).

    3. Kathenus*

      I’m guessing you already ruled out all the smoke detectors? That’s always my first go-to with beeping in my house.

      1. fueled by coffee*

        In addition to smoke detectors, check your carbon monoxide detector. They also beep every few minutes when the battery starts to get low.

      2. WellRed*

        And keep in mind, depending on your building construction, the beeping could be coming from another unit. I live in a first floor apt. When the batteries go in the basement detectors it drives me batty ( or did until I figured it out).

    4. Not So NewReader*

      Can you unplug or entirely turn off the AC to find out if the beeping still happens?

      Everything beeps now. My friend had help from the Agency for the blind. They set her up with all kinds of beepy things. It drove my friend nuts. She could never remember which beep went with which thing. They ended up removing most of the “helpful” beepers. In my house it’s the smoke detectors, CO detectors and coffee pot that beep.

      If your hot water is beeping it probably has a control panel? Is anything on the control panel blinking?

      Can you email/call the LL?

    5. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain*

      Is there a carbon monoxide detector in the same space as the AC or water heater? Just like a fire detector, the batteries might need to be changed.

      For the AC, it might need a filter change if you haven’t done that in the last year, although I’ve never run across an AC that beeps when it needs a new filter, it’s not out of the possibility.

      You could try finding a “handyman” service in your area that might be able to narrow it down before hiring a plumber or AC person.

    6. WellRed*

      Can you flip off the circuit breakers one at a time to narrow it down? You’ll have a hard time hiring someone who can fix both a water heater and AC ( if that’s even it).

    7. cat socks*

      You can search for “plumber near me” and check out the reviews. If you have NextDoor in your neighborhood, you can get recommendations there also.

    8. Squidhead*

      I know you said you narrowed it down, but just in case: friends of ours had a fridge that beeped! I think the door was ajar, or maybe the door sensor was broken.

      If it’s possible, I agree with the idea of turning off the power systematically to be sure which appliance is the culprit.

    9. Might Be Spam*

      I recently had this problem for several weeks. It started out with a beep every 60 seconds for several hours at a time, and suddenly turned into triple beeps every few seconds. I tried all the suggestions you’ve been given and could not figure it out.

      Finally, I opened my balcony door and found that the beeping came from my neighbor’s car parked in front of our building. It was so loud that I actually thought the noise was inside my apartment. I googled about cars beeping and it seems that some cars beep when the battery is failing. Or it could be a sensor issue in the dashboard.

      It was midnight when I finally figured it out, so I just left a note (I signed it) suggesting that she have her battery checked and now things are quiet again.

    10. Idyllic Gulag*

      Former apartment maintenance guy, who spent many years tracking down random issues like this. Appliance/alarm beeps are notoriously hard to pinpoint, since the sound bounces around so much. Best way to track it down in my experience is to put an earplug in one ear, hold a toilet paper tube or equivalent object to the other, and listen for the beep. It will sound muffled when the tube isn’t pointed directly at the source, and will be incredibly vivid when you’re pointed directly at the offending appliance. From there, you’ll know who to call.

  56. LizB*

    Tips for being patient at the very very beginning of a fertility journey that you suspect could be a long haul? This cycle was the first where husband & I really got the timing down and had a good shot at getting pregnant… but it didn’t happen. I have PCOS and ovulate often but not always, so there are going to be some months that we just have no shot. The doctor tells me that some huge percentage of couples even with PCOS in the mix will get pregnant with no intervention within 12 months, and an even bigger percentage within 18, and all I can think is That’s too long to wait!!!!. It took much longer for husband to feel ready to start trying than it took me, so I am already fucking sick of waiting. Add on one close friend who I just found out is two months pregnant, plus what feels like seventy million acquaintances on social media announcing they’re expecting… and this process feels like it’s going to take far, far more patience than I actually have. Any ideas for helping me cope are appreciated.

    1. fueled by coffee*

      Re the social media: some sites like Facebook will let you “snooze” people for a brief period of time – they aren’t blocked and you’re still friends with them, but their content won’t turn up in your feed during the time they’re snoozed for. It can be useful for the pregnancy/baby photo oversharers.

      1. Fellow Traveller*

        Agree. I had to stay off social media when I was feeling fragile about never getting pregnant. Also unsubscribed from/ignored celebrity news sites because it seemed like all the famous people were also getting pregnant. You have to be on your own journey, not anyone else’s.
        I’m so sorry for your disappointment and wishing you much luck!

      2. LizB*

        I will definitely do that for a few folks. Sometimes it feels like I need to snooze every partnered person in my age cohort… everyone is having babies!

    2. RagingADHD*

      I’m sorry you’re going through that!

      Maybe it will help if you remind yourself that those numbers of 12-18 months are not a minimum. That’s the time when it makes sense to get intervention, and IIRC that’s pretty much the same scale as couples with no issues at all.

      Everything to do with pregnancy is emotionally challenging, in large part because there is a profound loss of control over your experience and the outcome. If it helps (and it might not) this mirrors or is a foretaste of the journey of parenthood where you can’t control your child’s development, experiences or choices.

      It’s hard. The joys are amazing, but the frustrations and griefs are unlike anything else.

      I wish you all the best for a healthy, happy pregnancy and baby!

    3. Pocket Mouse*

      Did the doctor say more than that? There are a lot of options between ‘no intervention’ and, say, IVF—and it’s extremely unlikely you’d have to wait 12-18 months for any intervention at all. If your doctor hasn’t discussed any of those, consider consulting with another doctor (specifically a reproductive endocrinologist). Also, count time from when you started trying, not from the first cycle when you got the timing down.

      Good luck! Remember you are far from alone in this and there lots of folks out there ready to lend support along the way.

      1. LizB*

        My doctor is very open to intervention basically as soon as I want it, thankfully! She’s wonderful. It just seems silly to start right in with that before we’ve even tried the old-fashioned way for a few months. The 12-18 months statistic was meant to be encouraging, because technically that’s not that long… it just feels like f o r e v e r when I felt ready to be a mom like three years ago. I appreciate the support and good wishes!

        1. Pocket Mouse*

          I know it can seem like really jumping in to the deep end to seek medical assistance, or at least the middle-deep, but it’s definitely not silly to take a medication that increases your chances of ovulating every month and assists with timing. It’s not silly to check on the health of the sperm involved now rather than in 6-12 months. It’s not silly to get creative with methods if it helps reduce stress associated with the process. (It’s not silly to poke around the internet and see what queer folks are doing to gather ideas!)

          I feel like there’s not one way it’s ‘supposed’ to happen—because hoo boy, it’s gotta be a recipe for frustration and anxiety to subscribe to the One Right Way philosophy when parenting, and might as well practice breaking free of that way of thinking now. There are ways (yes, most likely plural) that are right for you, and ways that aren’t, and that’s totally valid. Just use the freedom you have to decide for yourself which is which.

        2. ampersand*

          Having been through this, I understand–I’m not patient, either, and it’s very hard to wait for something to happen *at some undetermined point in the future* that you literally wanted to have happen years ago. I recommend doing as much to enjoy yourself/have fun in the meantime as possible because 1. it’s going to feel like forever regardless, so you might as well enjoy this time, 2. being stressed out doesn’t encourage pregnancy (nature has a dark sense of humor), and 3. when all is said and done, you and your spouse still want to like each other, and doing distracting/enjoyable things in the meantime helps with that. Fertility stuff can be stressful.

          That’s great your doctor is open to intervention as soon as you want it–just remember you’re not going to win any awards for putting off an intervention if that’s what you want/need, so at the point that you & spouse want to try that route, you should. Don’t let “it’s only been three months” or whatever stop you. At the point I saw my fertility specialist–I waited six months, as recommended–he asked me why I didn’t reach out sooner. Ha.

          1. LizB*

            Thank you to both you and Pocket Mouse — it’s extremely helpful to have people say it’s okay to ask for intervention earlier rather than later! As far as I know all of my friends who are parents got that way with just some monitoring symptoms and counting days, no further medical assistance, so I’ve really been thinking that we have to try it that way first no matter what. I’ll talk with my husband and we’ll figure out what we want our asking-for-help timeline to be. I just mentioned to him yesterday that it would probably be smart to get his side of the equation checked out, too, and he was totally open to doing that. (Not that I thought he’d be against it, but there can be unexpected feelings and weirdness with any fertility stuff.) I’m feeling very encouraged!

            1. Vanellope*

              Don’t know if you’re still checking comments, but in regard to timing – I was moved from my regular gyno to a fertility specialist after 6 months due to other medical issues, which I think your PCOS would be included – ie, we’re not going to make you wait the full “regular couple” time frame because we already know you’re not a regular couple; let’s give it a test run and then move quickly to more interventions. Good luck with everything!

    4. Hotdog not dog*

      I was not patient. It took YEARS, (literally 6 years!) and it was difficult. We had actually given up and were researching adoption when I got very sick with a stomach bug. The stomach bug is now a junior in high school.
      When my doctor first told me it could take a year or more, I was so frustrated. If anyone had told me it would actually take 6, I don’t know if I could have handled it. You’re right, it feels like an impossible length of time to wait! Looking back, if I’d had a baby then, my son would be a completely different individual than who he is, and I wouldn’t trade who he is for anything. He was worth the wait in the end.
      I hope that you don’t have to wait much longer and that you have a happy and healthy child soon!

      1. LizB*

        In my rougher moments I have definitely browsed my state’s website of kids looking for permanent adoptive homes… which I know is a very premature reaction at this point. I’m glad you got a lovely son after all your frustration, and thank you for the well wishes!

    5. Rara Avis*

      Maybe focus on enjoying the trying? My daughter is full out IVF/all the interventions and was born 12 years into our marriage. (We weren’t trying that whole time.). Waiting was hard. We tried to do special things that were easier with no kids — wine country vacation, etc.

    6. Swisa*

      I would try to break it down into smaller chunks, rather than looking at the year or 18 months.
      You mentioned that your obgyn has other interventions that she can do before something like ivf, but you’re not ready for that yet.
      Consider setting a general timeline for how long you plan to try before moving on to those interventions. You can always change the timeline, but it might help to have a plan, to feel like you have some control over a very uncontrollable situation.
      I’ve dealt with infertility and it’s easy to get swept up in it, and for it to be all consuming. I recommend therapy if you have access to it, and keeping an eye out for depression. Your obgyn may be able to recommend depression meds that won’t interfere with stuff if you need them.
      And I stopped being on social media so much, stopped attending baby showers, and limited my time around people with kids. It felt ridiculous, but it was not healthy to keep torturing myself.
      Making a “kid free” Pinterest board full of motivational quotes, and ideas for fun things to do, cool places to go, and cool restaurants, was helpful.
      Good luck! This kind of stuff can be painful and all consuming.

    7. 30ish*

      As someone who tried for a year, my advice is to adopt „defensive pessimism“ and expect by default that you did not get pregnant. Make the best of your fertile window and then assume it did not happen. Only test when you are late on your period and try to focus on other things. Actually i found the first few months of trying hardest because i was so focused on finally having pulled the plug.

    8. Very Social*

      Do you have a trying-to-conceive/infertility community? Having a community of people at all different stages of the fertility journey was valuable to me when I was trying to conceive–and I didn’t have much trouble; I know it was even more helpful to others who had more difficulty. There are some great subreddits (not sure of the names, sorry).

  57. fhqwhgads*

    Looking for advice on hiring a nanny. Is care.com any good? Should I be focusing on a local service? I tried to research and feel sort of overwhelmed and like the options are $$$$ finder service or something like craigslist where who the hell knows what you’re gonna get. Obviously I’d interview and such, but gah this is overwhelming.
    I’m also looking for help with scripts for how to post the job. Specifically around the following: we’re Jewish. It’s very important to us that the nanny not push Christian stuff (or any other religion) on our kid. And while oh my goodness do I not want to reopen the “is Christmas secular” debate again – because no it’s not, that sort of mindset is sort of what I’m worried about. But I don’t know how to phrase it and hitting the tone I want. Like I don’t want to come across like I’m trying to get anyone who isn’t Jewish to self-select out. That’s sooo not my goal. But, for example, I don’t want December to roll around and have Santa stuff sprung on us. That sort of thing.

    1. Not A Manager*

      We had the best luck hiring by word of mouth. If you have friends who have nannies, housekeepers, or elder care employees that you like, ask the workers if they can recommend anyone. Frequently they will recommend someone in their network, sometimes someone from their family.

      You can also post hard-copy advertisements at places that in-home workers are likely to look – the laundry room of your high-rise, the local Starbucks, the JCC, synagogues that have a day school or a child-care program, etc. People who respond can usually offer references from within a community that you respect.

      If you’re looking for part-time help, local colleges usually have a virtual job board where you can post your ad. You can also inquire through online local networks like NextDoor.

      I would use the same word-of-mouth to find placement agencies if you decide you need one. Find out from friends, family, neighbors etc. what placement agency they used and which ones they liked. Don’t forget to ask the in-home workers themselves. They know which agencies are exploitive or dishonest. I personally would stay away from the agencies that place highly-educated young people with nanny degrees. My personal experience was that a nice lady (in those days there were not a lot of male childcare providers) with older children of her own was perfectly competent to watch my children and she didn’t need a special degree to do it. But everyone has their own preferences in that regard.

      1. Not A Manager*

        With regard to proselytizing and Christmasy stuff, I would just present this as a condition of employment like any other. During the first or second interview, you can tell the nanny that your household is Jewish, that you won’t impose any Jewish observation on them, but that you expect them not to bring other religious observances into your household, including references to Christmas. You can tell pretty quickly from their response whether they’ll be able to understand that condition and abide by it.

        Our household is Jewish and my kids went to a Jewish day school. Some of my best nannies were from the local Christian college. They were good with kids, very responsible, and familiar with working for money. I never had any problem with them proselytizing.

      2. fhqwhgads*

        Thanks. The word of mouth thing sort of isn’t a thing for me. I don’t know anyone in my area with young kids, or kids who were young in the past decade. It’s part of the reason I was feeling stumped. There’s no one to ask.

        1. Not A Manager*

          Do you know anyone who has any kind of household help? A housekeeper or elder care person? You don’t need to know nannies as much as you need to know in-home helpers who might know other in-home helpers.

          Is there a pre-school in your area, or a rec center, or a gymnastics class, or anyplace where caregivers would be likely to bring young children? Post on their bulletin boards. I think my pediatrician’s office even used to have a bulletin board.

          Anyplace that provides services to children, ask the administrator or receptionist if they know of anyone. Does your synagogue provide childcare during services? Maybe the weekend sitters are looking for a weekday gig, or maybe they have a friend who is.

          I’ve had good luck with NextDoor for recommendations for service providers. I haven’t tried local Facebook groups, but think people use those also.

    2. RagingADHD*

      We had a bad experience with care.com auto publishing a listing when I just wanted to create an account to browse. Despite setting everything to “private” they posted it as an open listing, I got inundated with notifications and they were real butts about not taking it down or deleting my account as requested.

      Do not recommend, the policies are deceptive and the customer service is terrible.

    3. Emily Elizabeth*

      Never hired one but I used to nanny throughout college, and I used care.com successfully in the past (from the provider end). I think it’s a lot like dating apps – you can find brilliant fits/connections but may have to interview some duds. Word of mouth is always wonderful, and many other parents have done the childcare search before and are usually happy to share about providers they love or hate. My town also has a very active nanny search Facebook page that can supplement in person word of mouth.

      I also teach at a Jewish school with many other wonderful non-Jewish teachers, and if being Jewish isn’t a requirement for your family, I agree with Not a Manager that it’s something brought up in the interview. I think you can more easily explain your needs and desires and gauge their reaction rather than trying to word something in a post (if anything you can say “We are a Jewish family looking for a responsible, kind, etc etc nanny…” and discuss the rest in an interview). Best of luck with your search!

    4. Potatoes gonna potate*

      I was recently searching for someone as well; initially I posted in one of my general Facebook groups and was recommended a few specialized groups. I’m Muslim/south Asian so I posted my ad in those specific groups that are located in my general area.

      I also used care.com – I’m keeping my expectations fairly low and straightforward. my issue with that is I can’t even view messages or applications without paying $$$$. Understandable that it’s a paid site but it’s a pretty steep cost for me.

      For your specific question, I wouldn’t really approach the Christmas stuff just yet considering it’s only February. Do you have a list of must haves vs nice to haves? im just thinking that by the time the season comes there would be a comfort level where you can bring this up with no awkwardness? Just putting myself in the prospective caregivers shoes — if I was working for a Jewish family, my default would be that Christmas isn’t a thing unless they specified it.

      1. fhqwhgads*

        I would hope most people would default that with a Jewish family “it isn’t a thing unless specified otherwise” but my experience has been…not that. Not in a nanny sitch as I’ve never dealt with this before, but in life in general. The amount of people who assume Christmas is universal and innocuous is not small. I also might be a little bit preemptively worrying, as family members in a totally different state recently dealt with a preschool that had been told “no Christmas stuff for our kid” but kid still came home with arts and crafts projects that were Christmas trees and the teachers were like “it’s nbd”. So I’m sort of primed for this not being as plain to understand as I feel it should be? But I’m also not only concerned about Christmas. It was just the biggest example. Like, I’m not cool with Easter eggs either and that’s a lot sooner. I think that’s part of why I feel awkward. To a reasonable person, they’d be like “of course I don’t need to be told this”, and I don’t want to insult/scare off the reasonable people. It’s the people who’d be like “oh it’s just fun, you shouldn’t be bothered by this” that I’m wanting to weed out and not have to find out down the line.

        1. RagingADHD*

          Stating your expectations clearly amd matter of factly at the interview stage, so everyone is on the same page is *not* insulting to reasonable people and will not scare them off. Reasonable people will want to know.

          1. squeakrad*

            If you belong to any local Facebook groups for your neighborhood, or if there are some that you could join that has been an incredible resource for those people in our community looking for nannies and household help. It’s a little wider net then just word of mouth, but it’s people who have actual experience with the nannies involved.

    5. They Don’t Make Sunday*

      I used Care.com and got close to hiring the one good candidate I got there (didn’t end up hiring any nanny). All the other Care.com candidates were somewhere between meh and actually fraudulent. The fraud-y one seemed nice in person but was faking references. Definitely a place where you have to do your due diligence (a good idea anyway since it’s childcare!).

    6. Alex*

      Just a plug for craigslist–I *was* a nanny that was found on craigslist, and I worked for that family for four years full time. It was an excellent match.

      I don’t see how care.com or some such would be any better than craigslist, except I believe they do a background check and help you with above-board payments. Those are great services but I don’t think that it changes the quality of nanny you’ll get.

      Plus, a lot of nannying is about compatibility–you need to be comfortable with someone and have them mesh with your family. You never know where those types of people will come from! Cast a wide net and interview until you get a gut feeling about someone.

      1. HBJ*

        Yea, I don’t think Craigslist is as bad or spammy as people make it out to be. Every home we’ve rented has been found through Craigslist, they’ve all been good, and we’ve never had a bad landlord.

    7. Fellow Traveller*

      I’ve used care.com and it was fine. I sign up and put a calendar reminder to cancel the subscription in a month or two so that I don’t have to keep paying. I find it helpful in my ad to ask specific questions for applicants to put in their reply to me. Otherwise they just copy their profile info and I can tell they haven’t really read my post. So for example, i will say something like, “please include a line about how you approach working with kids of different ages.” Or “what kind of outdoor activities do you do with infants?”
      I have also gotten some good recommendations from our neighborhood or local listservs. There are a couple parent specific listservs in our area. People often post when their nanny is ready to move on.
      Quadjobs is also good if you are in a college town- the people on it are college students so might be hard to find a full time nanny, but I’ve found sitters there.

  58. Fellow Traveller*

    Any recommendations for a drawing app for iPad? I’d love to try a free one first then decide if i use it enough to pay for one, so looking for both free and paid apps that people like.
    Mostly looking to be able to draw and colour and let my kids play and be creative. I have the logitech pencil if it makes a difference.

    2. HamlindigoBlue*

      My daughter asked me to buy Procreate for her iPad. It’s a $10 app (not to be confused with the iPhone version called Procreate Pocket). She started using a Logitech pencil with it, but we upgraded her to the Apple Pencil after about a year of regular drawing on the iPad. There not a free trial, but she tried several before asking for this to be purchased. I think she found it on YouTube and watched some tutorials. She’s been using it for a couple of years now, and I think it was worth the money.

      1. Jacey*

        Procreate is what I use, too, and I adore it! But if you want to start with something free, check out Adobe Fresco’s free version. (Paid gets more features but I haven’t felt restricted without it).

  59. 2QS*

    Thanks everyone for the cookbook recommendations last weekend for people with severely limited diets! I know a couple of people were concerned about my protein intake (vegetarian, can’t do dairy or other FODMAPs, can’t do nuts or peanuts) – yeah. That and fiber are the hardest things. Soy and eggs are usually the go-tos there. I also add a pea protein powder to breakfast smoothies.

    Also appreciated the suggestion to talk to a dietician/nutritionist – I pestered my PCP a couple of years ago until I got a referral to one. She didn’t really understand why I wanted this, and I was like, well, I can’t eat much and want to make sure I’m getting all the nutrients I should be getting…

    1. Observer*

      Is your PCP always this dense? I mean, even if you weren’t a vegetarian not being able to dairy + no FODMAPS means that it is VERY easy to get into problematic nutrition territory. And PCPs of all people should be aware that diet is important. So if someone says “Hey, I think I may have some issues here” AND they clearly have significant restrictions, it should be an absolute no brainer to provide the referral.

      1. 2QS*

        It wasn’t the only time I looked askance at her, to be honest. She’s retired now and her replacement gave me much more help with the gastroenterology stuff.

  61. Feeling Down & Embarrassed*

    Any advice for getting over a long-ago relationship? I’ve been married almost 10 yrs, have a couple of kids, haven’t seen the guy since I was 21…and just had a dream about him. Unhealthy relationship (on both sides) where I knew I’d be miserable if we continued on, and the break-up was mutual. And yet, from time to time, I get stuck in these funks of “what could have been…” (more glamorous, intellectual lifestyle, accompanied by frequent put-downs and constant dread that he wasn’t being loyal). And you know, thinking about the few good times and the ways in which we were a good fit and “got” each other.
    I just feel sad, and dumb for feeling sad about this long-ago very dumb relationship. Am I the only one??? How do you deal??? Does it ever really definitively stop???

    1. Not So NewReader*

      Very seldom are people “all bad”. Of course he had some good points or you would not have started up with him. But over time the bad points out weighed the good, right? But you had no way to know at the beginning.

      My wise friend used to talk about this stuff. He said that what we dream about at night helps us to sort what we think during waking hours. I think your dream is a response to your funks of what could have been. It sounds to me like you are sorting.

      I’d recommend taking a look at current time. Is there something going on IRL that reminds you of the good and/or bad times with him? Is there something in your life that is also fading out and it’s easier to think about the old situation than it is to think about the new situation?

      Most of my repeat dreams did eventually stop. I think the number one thing that helped was to talk to someone about the dream during waking hours. It seemed to break the hold the dream had on me. One of the worst repeat dreams I had started when I was a kid and went on into my 30s. When I finally told someone about it, it stopped and never came back. I should have done that much sooner. In that case the dream and the problem it represented was something I would not talk about. My silence feed the nightmare.

    2. Jacey*

      Please try not to berate yourself over this! It’s actually super common for people who’ve left unhealthy relationships to fantasize about what could have been after the fact. Think about it as a form of grief: you’re grieving a life you could have had. And just like when you’re grieving for a person, you probably don’t remember every time they annoyed you or hurt you, because those aren’t the parts you miss; you’re thinking of the good parts that you wish you could still have. That’s totally normal, and in no way dumb.

      If you want help processing these feelings, I recommend going to a therapist or maybe finding a support group for people who’ve left unhealthy relationships.

    3. Flowers*

      I think it’s 100% normal to dream about past lives or crushes/fantasize about them. I’ve had many many dreams about my college professor who I was obsessed with (and haven’t seen in 12 years), as well as several coworkers who I’ve had mini crushes on. Also a guy I had a steamy relationship and passionate with before I moved cities.

      I’ve been with the same man for a long time and am now happily married, we met in 2012 and have been married 5 years. I continue to have dreams like this!

    4. RagingADHD*

      Dreams aren’t literal, they’re representational, so you were most likely dreaming about something that this guy represents in your subconscious, as much or more than about him, personally.

      Part of what may be going on is nostalgia for the person you were and the sense of boundless possibility you had years ago. When you’ve been married a while and have kids, it’s very normal to have times when you look back and think things could have been simpler, or more exciting, or whatever. Real life is always more complicated, difficult, and boring than imaginary life.

      The thing is, if you’d had a real life with that guy, it would also include the difficult, complicated and boring parts. The thing you’re feeling sad or wistful about is a fantasy. That’s okay! We all have fantasies. You just need to keep that in mind.

      It’s not stupid at all to feel sad, and it probably won’t stop completely. But you can reframe it and take it as an opportunity to think about your own feelings and learn about yourself.

      There’s a theory that every character in our dreams is an aspect of ourselves. If that’s true, what do you think this guy might represent?

    5. Felis alwayshungryis*

      I get this, with the old boyfriend I was with for six years and broke up with in 2007! I’ve since learned he now has a boyfriend of his own (I’m a cisgender female), which explained one or two things, but generally I still kick myself a little for not breaking up with him sooner and for making big life decisions around him. Especially since now I know what it’s like to have a partner who’s actually all in. I wonder what my life would have been like if we had split that time we nearly did, you know?

      I find that he pops up in my dreams more when I’m feeling overwhelmed by my adult responsibilities. I suppose it’s that desire to go back to a simpler time when things are tough.

    6. Anima*

      As someone with ten years experience with this I can say: it may never stop. I frame it as my brain playing out possibilitys that I don’t have to act on. I let my brain wander, wonder about the dream and move on. Let the brain have it’s candy. I also figure that I dream about him mostly when my needs in our marriage are not met, and it’s time to figure out what’s wrong and talk through it with my husband. But sometimes it’s just nonsensical what-if.
      I made my life harder than necessary need be by having the guy still in my friend group, but I learned to deal by backing off as much as possible. We are more acquaintances than friends now. He did not turn out being someone I imagined spending my life with. I remind me of that after every weird dream I have.

    7. Swisa*

      I don’t know about this specifically, but in therapy, my therapist often says that trying to dodge feelings makes them stay around longer. Instead, it’s better to acknowledge the feelings, and then know that they are temporary. She also says feelings are like clouds- they’re there for a little while, but you know they’ll be moving on soon.
      I think it’s normal to think about the what ifs. It’s an escape.
      When those feelings come, I’d acknowledge them, and tell yourself they’re normal, and that there were good things about the relationship, so of course you’re sad that it didn’t work out.
      But then I’d also remind yourself that it’s just a fantasy, and if you were together with that guy, all of the things you’d mentioned would be true.
      I find for my own intrusive thoughts, acknowledging them really does help them pass quicker. I don’t know that they’ll ever go away fully, but they do get less intense, because I’m then not trapped in this thing where I’m trying to escape them and then mad at myself when I can’t. Good luck!

      1. Sunflower*

        A little late but I also want to add that I agree esp around the point of trying to avoid feelings makes it harder to move past them. I think it’s totally ok for these thoughts to come and pass and you don’t need to deeply analyze them (unless you want to of course). It certainly doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you!! Don’t beat yourself up over having them or thinking something is wrong. As long as they are just thoughts that they seem to pass by and you don’t get hung up on them and they aren’t really impacting your life, I wouldn’t spend energy trying to fight them

  62. Ask a Manager* Post author

    A heads-up that I’ve added a new rule to the weekend open thread rules: No highly personal bodily topics. Even when it’s introduced in a non-graphic way, the replies tend to escalate and I’d rather not moderate it.

    So basically, if it’s coming out of your body in a liquid, gas, or solid form, it’s not for this site (just like it is also probably not for your office break room, which might be a good way to think of these threads). Thank you.

    1. Lizzie (with the deaf cat)*

      Thanks Alison! I was reading AAM a few minutes ago in an outdoor cafe eating some lunch. A person with no verbal filter, who is a client at my volunteer job, suddenly appeared and LOUDLY told me about a recent hospitalisation for [too much information] which had [gross] symptoms, followed by [grosser] and eww and then she said I will leave you to your lunch! – and fortunately left. But I didn’t really want my lunch any more.
      I was vastly amused to get back on the site and then see your new rule.

    3. KeinName*

      Thank you, I understand! Just a compliment to this commentariat though: gendered subjects that society treats as taboo are treated very matter-of-fact here, which is refreshing. But your moderating interventions are yours to make and make this site enjoyable for a broad audience.

      1. RagingADHD*

        I think you must have missed some of the gnarly stuff that’s had to be removed over time.

        It would be refreshing if normal aspects of women’s lives could be discussed in a matter of fact way without devolving into a magnet for people who like to shock, or harp on their personal obsessions or fantasies about body parts or functions.

        That is not the world we live in.

    4. Anima*

      Yeah I half regretted my comment about the topic on hand after posting it. I understand that new rule, there are better places to discuss body fluids.

    6. Fluffiest Fluff*

      Honestly, I wish I knew what story it was that pushed you over into the “Nope! No more!” stance! ;)

  63. CanadianUniversityGrad*

    Hi Everyone, Has anyone tried taking music lessons as an adult? I took piano lessons when I was a kid for about 10 years, but haven’t played in a long time. But, lately I’ve been interested in learning to play the violin. Does anyone have any tips for learning to play an instrument as an adult?

    1. Alex*

      I’ve learned three instruments as an adult (I played violin as a kid). Go for it! You’ll probably pick it up right away with ten years of piano under your belt. I mean, violin is a hard instrument to play really WELL but that’s true whether you are an adult or child.

    2. Teatime is Goodtime*

      Lots of people do this! A family member teaches violin and he has always had one or two adult students. It is worth it, go for it!

    3. Quandong*

      I teach people to play a musical instrument in the string family, not the violin though. Mostly my students are children and teenagers but I usually have 4 or 5 adult students in my clientele too.

      For the violin I highly recommend taking lessons to establish good posture and technique – it’s not ideal to try learning from YouTube videos (though they have a lot of use for supplemental advice and tips).

      My advice is to do some research into the teachers in your area and make enquiries especially asking their approach to teaching adult beginners with some music knowledge. I would always recommend an experienced teacher over a person who is still studying or with little expertise teaching adults.

      Before you hire or buy a violin and bow, do some research online for the best options in your price range. It makes an incredible difference to learning a bowed string instrument if you start with a well set-up instrument of the correct size, with upgraded strings and a new bow. For violinists it’s also very important to get the right shoulder rest for your body, as they are a total and utter nuisance and can lead to neck tension when they aren’t right.

      Some string instrument retailers have videos online showing the sound of their instruments – this is a great way to check what’s available and what kind of tone qualities you like.

      I hope you have a lot of enjoyment if you go ahead with lessons!

    4. key lime*

      I learned violin as a kid and played for 15 years, and took a few years of piano in my teens. People say it’s one that’s really hard as an adult – I don’t know if it’s harder than any other instrument, but I would say that you should prepare yourself to have a LOT of patience.

      If you have musical knowledge/theory from piano it will help, but you’re going to have to start at the foundations and practice holding the violin, holding bow, getting the pressure right, finger positions etc. and you will have to practice it a lot. Again, I can’t speak to learning as an adult, but this stuff is so important to playing well that it might be a long time before you play “real” music.

      I don’t want to discourage you – I think you should go for it! But be prepared that an instructor might have you practice, say, playing a single note for a couple weeks.

      Also, consider looking into local music stores and whether they rent out instruments. A cheap violin will be less enjoyable to play but a high quality violin is so expensive and not worth the investment unless you know you’re sticking with it.

      1. Hlao-roo*

        Seconding what key lime said. I also played as a kid and I remember one of my teachers making an off hand remark that it was easier to teach children than adults because the adults were always so hard on themselves for not picking it up faster.

        Patience is very important. Everyone takes a while to play a note (any note!) that sounds good when they are first learning because there is so much foundational stuff.

  64. Potatoes gonna potate*

    Thought this might be a fun question –

    Do you have a Favorite discontinued perfume?

    For me it’s Maybe baby by Benefit, Pink by Victoria secret and glamorous by Ralph Lauren. All from early 2000s.

    1. Fluffiest Fluff*

      Finally!! Someone else who had Glamorous! It was the perfect scent for me!! How dare those clowns stop making it!! ;)

    2. Sleeping Late Every Day*

      I’m old, so pretty much all of the ones I’ve loved. Poo. I am hoarding bottles with just a few drops so I can huff them occasionally. But one is a half-full bottle of splash cologne that I didn’t care for when I bought it nearly twenty years ago. Over time, it ripened or my tastes changed (hormonal changes + quitting smoking will do that), and now I love it. It’s almost perfume strength and lasts about twelve hours, and what’s weird is no matter how often I wear it, the amount in the bottle doesn’t diminish! Why can’t they all do that?

    3. UKDancer*

      Oak and Redcurrant cologne by Jo Malone. I’m still annoyed they discontinued it because it smelled amazing on me. They have offered various substitutes but none of them are right. I also love Orange Bitters by Jo Malone which is their seasonal perfume but so far they’ve kept bringing it back each year at Christmas.

    4. StellaBella*

      Yes, it was by Escada. Margaretha Ley Summer in Provence by Escada Eau de Toilette. It is on Etsy I see but yeah. Wish it was still in shops.

      1. StellaBella*

        wow looks like Walmart has this? It was gone as of the 90s I thought. Cannot find it where am. Thank you for your question. I now have a rabbit hole to look thru…

    5. Constance Lloyd*

      Pomelo Paradis by atelier colognes is my absolute favorite and they just announced they are pulling out of the US market.

    6. The Other Dawn*

      Summer Hill by Crabtree & Evelyn. I have one bottle left, which I’m using very sparingly. Thankfully I’ve found three or four other perfumes I really like, but I’m still sad Summer Hill is discontinued. It’s the only scent I’ve found that is light going on and remains light.

    7. CTT*

      I never owned it because it was just before I was ~old enough~ for perfume, but I still have the smell of the Gap grass perfume locked away in my brain. I would smell all of them while in line with my mom at the mall, and that one was so distinctive (it really did smell like grass! Why anyone would decide on that for a scent is a mystery, but I would love it now)

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        Was this in hte late 90s/early 2000s? I think I remember something similar. And it reminds me of this line of body sprays at Sears around that time that were available in the juniors section (for me Sears used to be the pinnacle of high fashion and I yearned to dress like that!). Fetish I think it was called. And I only remember b/c it was featured in some *cough* fanfic tha I used to read frequently in childhood.

        1. Potatoes gonna potate*

          and now I’m cringing heavily that something called “fetish” was marketed to teens/tweens.

    8. WellRed*

      I feel like every time I find a perfume it gets discontinued. Giorgio Sensei is one I’d like to buy again. Also Gucci no. 3. I actually liked Cher’s perfume way back when she launched one but I think I was in high school so no way was I able to pay that much.

    10. GoryDetails*

      I’ve never been a perfume person myself, other than some experimentation with things like vanilla-scented creams back in college. But I remember that my mother was devoted to Stradivari by Prince Matchabelli, and carefully hoarded the crown-shaped bottle for decades, using a few dabs on special occasions. (She got quite miffed with me when I played with it one day and used up more in an afternoon than she did in a couple of years.) This was back in the ’50s/’60s. I don’t recall when that line was discontinued but I do know that Mom was desolate when she discovered that she couldn’t replace it! [There appear to be bottles available online; if Mom were still around I’d be tempted to get one, though they’re rather pricey – and I have no idea how well the scent would hold up.]

      Given the power of fragrance to invoke memories, I bet if I smelled it now I’d flash back to my childhood, with Mom all dressed up for a night out…

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        That’s a lovely story <3

        It's utterly amazing how fragrances can invoke memories like you said. It's bittersweet because a lovely scent can trigger the memories of a bad time in ones life that you wouldn't want to remember.

    11. Not belonging anywhere*

      I really loved Voile de Jasmin by Bvlgari in my 20’s. I stopped wearing perfume for a while, and was so sad when I realized it was no longer around.

    12. HannahS*

      Oooh! There was this Canadian chain called “Jacob” which is now out of business but was big in the 00’s and early ’10s. Kind of like J. Crew; preppy stuff. They had an eau de toilette that I LOVED. Nothing fancy, but it was lightly floral and amber-y without smelling overly sweet. But it was 40 whole dollars and I was a teenager so that was a lot of money. I eventually did buy a bottle which I kept on the bathroom counter for three years and doled it out in tiny squirts on the most special occasions…until I knocked it off the bathroom counter and shattered the bottle. That was the end of that! It was a good lesson in why it’s best to use and enjoy your nice things. My socks retained the smell through several washes, though lol.

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        oh no!!!!!! i’m sorry that must have been devastating haha!

        I did get this one perfume Coach by Coach – had the smell of my childhood. Loved it so much that I kept it for 2 years only to realize that the smell was pretty gone by then. I was so excited to learn that my local Kohl’s carried it so I ran there asap to buy it.

    16. Buni*

      I have the last bottle of Penhaligon’s Essence of Limes in the country. Story:

      I went into a branch and asked for it. I was told it was discontinued, but once the girl there had peeled my weeping prostrate self off the counter she said she’d ring round the branches and see who still had one stocked at the back of the cupboard. No immediate luck in the 4-5 branches in my city, but she was determined and said she’d start ringing round the whole country. She took my number and said she’d be in touch.

      2 days later she calls saying she found one in a department store in a city 3hrs away. I ask about shipping costs etc and she say oh no, she’s already put the request in and it’s on its way down. 2 days after that she calls saying it’s in branch, come down whenever you’re ready. I took her flowers, and I’m rationing it out like gold dust.

  65. Fulana del Tal*

    Lolita Lempicka in the apple shaped bottle. It was subtle and lasted all day. Unfortunately the re-release the scent and bottled shaped were changed.

    1. GraceC*

      Oh that brought back memories. Lempicka in the purple apple-shaped bottle was my mum’s favourite for years – I’d wondered why she stopped buying it

      1. Lilith*

        Frances Denney made a perfume named Interlude. Pretty sure FD is out of business—at any rate, Interlude hasn’t been made for decades. Love the stuff. Smells lovely on me. A teeny bit sweet but mostly spicy.

  66. Princess B*

    This might be too late, but I’ve raised that between having a kid and COVID, I no longer have hobbies beyond reading. Quilting really appeals to me. Anyone have advice for how to get started as a complete newbie? I also don’t have sewing experience.

    1. argh*

      I think first questions are: hand quilting or machine quilting? In either case, learn to sew and embrace imperfection. There’s lots of info/videos/books out there. The quilting reddit community is also a good place to browse

    2. Teatime is Goodtime*

      Get flat cotton fabric, start sewing. Seriously. You can spend weeks, months, years researching all the perfect tools and all the different methods and some of them will probably help you, but my best advice is to just start. It doesn’t need to be complicated.

      Personally, I would recommend starting small, maybe sewing a couple of easy quilting blocks to get a feel for how it works, and probably on fabric that I like but don’t love (just because then I’m less anxious about screwing it up…because you’re totally going to make mistakes, like ANY new thing you don’t have experience with). But your mileage may vary in terms of what works best for you.

      With quilting, you’re aiming for flat seams, so anything that helps you with that might be a useful investment: roll cutters and mats for precision cutting, chalk if you like marking your seam allowance, pins, a sewing machine or appropriate needle and thread. Some people like kits with step by step instructions–that exists! You can also wander into a fabric store (in person or on the phone) and they will certainly be able to give you ideas of where to start and give you more tools.

      I wish you much fun!

    3. RagingADHD*

      For any skill I want to pick up as a newbie, a youtube search of [term] + beginner has never let me down.

      If you don’t have a machine, start with hand stitching. A running basting stitch, running backstitch (or just backstitch), and slip stitch should cover everything you need to start quilting.

    4. Lizzie (with the deaf cat)*

      Maybe start small- cushion cover size – so that you can find out which bits of it you like doing – eg the sewing of straightforward patterns or fancypants ones, or the embroidery/top stitching, and so on. I have made several baby quilts for in the cot, or on the floor, and with those I enjoyed stitching around various animal shapes and stuffing them with extra padding so they were raised up. I also always added a ‘squeaker’ into the quilt. I then tried some dolly bed sized quilts and enjoyed doing those; I recognise that I like the beginning and the end of a creative project and prefer the middle bit to be over fairly quickly!

    5. Asenath*

      I’d echo starting small – although to be honest I started by taking a course and making a double-size quilt, in a home-made frame (produced by the instructor’s husband) that held one square at a time, and assembled the squares later by machine. I knew how to sew, but the quilting itself was by hand, which is really easy (what’s hard is getting small even stitches, but that comes with practice). I’d probably start with something the size of a cushion cover, if I were to do it again. There are tons of books and videos that show you how to do hand-sewing, and for quilting, all you really need is a running stitch, a backstitch and basting (which is basically a large running stitch). You need materials, if you start with piecing smaller pieces of fabric together, you’ll need templates for the shapes (you can make your own or buy them), and some kind of cutting board and rotary cutter (although at a pinch you can make do with scissors). If you decide to start with piecing, pick a REALLY simple pattern – there are some very complex ones out there! But you don’t have to piece fabric at all – you can just get two pieces of fabric, some padding, baste them together in a sandwich, put it in a frame, and quilt a pattern. There’s also variants – I made a tie quilt once. Although I pieced the top, I tied knots at regular intervals to hold the layers together. I thought it looked very nice, and it was a lot faster than quilting the whole thing by hand. There are so many possibilities!

    6. Llellayena*

      I’m a big fan of machine quilting, but it’s worth trying hand quilting to see if it’s your cup of tea. The primary advantage of hand quilting is transportability. If you want a hobby you can bring with you to your kid’s soccer practice or something that might be the way to go. Now, on to machine quilting

      You can get a simple sewing machine for under $100 at Walmart or Joann’s. You really only need a straight stitch and maybe a back stitch. If they’re available for the machine you get, buy the 1/4” quilting foot, a standard machine foot is wider and makes it much harder to get the 1/4” seams you need for quilting. Otherwise, mark a line 1/4” to the right of the needle position. Grab some fabric and start practicing. Local quilting shops (and maybe Joann’s) would have beginning quilting classes if you want to go that route. For fabric cutting, you might want to get an 18×24 cutting board, a couple of quilting rulers and a 45mm rotary cutter. Use YouTube tutorials to learn how to use them (or the class), but the super straight line you get from that is much better than scissors for good seams. Or buy a kit where all the pieces are cut for you already! You’ll be pressing seams after sewing them so you need an iron handy. YouTube tutorials can give you a ton of advice as you go.

      One warning: quilting is addictive and bulky. If you get into it you’re going to want to set aside some space in your house dedicated to it. Taking the sewing machine off the dining table every time you stop gets old fast. And the amount of fabric you’ll end up buying will need some storage space. But it’s a ton of fun so good luck!

    8. Sleeping Late Every Day*

      There are probably starter kits for older children that have a small project, that would include everything you’d need. It would be a good way to learn and to find out if you like doing it.

    9. HannahS*

      If you’ve never sewn, the best quilts to start with are patterns that are made of squares and rectangles only. There are lots and lots of beautiful options that way. Other than that, dive right in and expect mediocre results on your first attempt.

      I’m a fairly accomplished garment sewer about to step into quilting, and I’m making a gingham quilt–it’s all squares. I recently read a materials list that gave four thousand optional materials (quilting ruler! rotary cutter! rotary cutter mat!) and it’s like…you literally just need scissors, a way to mark the fabric (I used to use washable Crayola markers so hardly a professional setup), a way to sew the pieces together, and an iron. That’s it. Dive right in!

    10. Miel*

      Lots of great ideas here! I also want to suggest YouTube and your local adult education/ community education (typically low-cost evening/ weekend classes run through the school district).

      Quilting is fun! And you’ll be up and running in no time.

    11. Princess B*

      Wow! Thanks so much everyone for responding! I’m going to start with hand stitching, to see if I like it and to have a more portable hobby. I’ll take the advice here and start YouTube University; although if people have particular product recommendations I’m all ears. I’m so excited!

    12. The teapots are on fire*

      I agree with starting small. I’d say if you’re going the machine route, find a good sewing machine dealer and get a used, basic or midrange machine instead of the $100 specials–those low end machines are often fussy and frustrating and can suck the joy right out of your hobby. And play around with sewing square and round spirals on paper before you start on fabric, just to get a feeling of control–you don’t even have to thread the needle when you’re practicing like that.
      Then throw that needle away; it’s dull now. Many, many stitching problems on sewing machines can be solved by simply changing the needle.

  67. Crochet guides please?*

    It might be too late in the weekend to get responses on this thread, but I’ll try anyway! Can anyone point me to crochet guides for absolute beginners? I am the most novice crochet-er ever – even reading the crochet subreddit’s wiki is intimidating me. I really want to get into this hobby but none of the instructions are making sense to me :'( any help/suggestions/commiserations/success stories welcome! Thank you so much!!

    1. Pharmgirl*

      I have heard that BellaCoco on YouTube is a great resource! I taught myself using books years ago, but I’ve been using videos more often as I get back into it and they’ve been very useful.

    2. Pharmgirl*

      Sorry for the double post, but also when I first started – I made a ton of scarves using the basic stitches. I think a lot of guides suggest making swatches and things, but they’re not motivating enough for me. Scarves are a pretty simple way to practice the stitches and still end up with a useful product.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Dishcloths too! Kitchen cotton is cheap and nobody cares if the edges are uneven :)

    3. Ask a Manager* Post author

      I taught myself in 2020 using YouTube videos. It was hard to learn the basic concepts at first and several times I wanted to throw my yarn across the room but at some point it clicked. Once you learn single crochet (that’s the name of the basic stitch) the rest will come much more easily. If you have the option of having someone show you the basic mechanics of it in person (like at a local yarn store, although that might not be an option right now), that will save you a bunch of aggravation. But you can definitely learn from videos. I paused them a lot to study exactly where the yarn, hook, and fingers were until I figured it out.

      On YouTube, search “single crochet beginner” or similar. These are good:

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jUIfV-Qcq2c&t=672s

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ik-GSXWoSak

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wgVOkQcf5qw

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aAxGTnVNJiE&t=398s

      Once you master single crochet, go through the same process for “double crochet” and “half double crochet.” From there, I’d just find a pattern I wanted to make and if there was a stitch in it that I didn’t know, I’d just search for a video on it. Once you know the basics, it’s really easy to understand new stitches.

      And whatever you do, start with light colored yarn. It’s much, much easier to learn on. I still can’t crochet with black yarn; it’s too hard to see the stitches.

      1. Princess Deviant*

        Also, search for the RVS Village Hall channel on YouTube and there are some videos on crocheting there.

        1. Crochet guides OP*

          Thank you Alison for the detailed reply and the suggestions! Seeing your progress is encouraging, I absolutely love the blue/white scarf towards the end of the gallery. Going to dive into crochet and give it a real try soon!

          1. ronda*

            I also like stitch markers. I have to put them on the end stitch cause the ends look like a wad of yarn to me.
            If you are not recognizing the each stitch, you end up getting smaller or bigger without intending to.

            I have been donating to warm up America at a local yarn shop to practice and get rid of the stuff I dont want. (they provide the yarn for me to use too)

            I also liked this for how to read a crochet pattern https://hearthookhome.com/how-to-read-a-crochet-pattern/

            also, UK calls the stitches different names (well the same names but for different stitches), so make sure you are clear on if it is a uk pattern/ video or US. (in UK the US single crochet is called double crochet, etc)

    4. HamlindigoBlue*

      I really like the TL Yarn Crafts channel on YouTube. Toni is pretty great. She’s got several videos for beginners. I’ll link a couple in the reply.

    5. Crochet guides OP*

      Thank you so much for the tips! You folks are so kind :’) I will be checking out all these links this week!

    6. RagingADHD*

      As an absolute beginner, learning to handle the yarn and hook until it’s automatic will make it sooooo much easier to pick up everything else.

      I recommend just doing chain stitches as an exercise. Make a slip knot, use the hook to draw a new loop through. Repeat.

      You can put on a movie and do yards and yards of them, and then easily pull them out to re-use the yarn. Along the way your muscle memory will build up and you’ll start making them more even, and working faster.

      Making those motor skills unconscious will free up your brain to learn pattern notation, new stitches, etc.

  68. Cat person identity crisis*

    Tl,dr; I thought I was a cat person until I fostered a cat, now I don’t know who I am

    For as long as I can remember, I’ve been a cat person. They’re cuter, more elegant than dogs, lower maintenance, etc. My family never had a pet when I was growing up and then most of my adult life I moved around a lot and lived in places that didn’t allow them, so it was a distant dream. Anyways, I finally ended up in a place where I could have a pet, and I decided to start by fostering one. I would be willing to adopt them if it worked out, but I figured it would be better try it out than commit to something prematurely and end up regretting it. That was evidently a good idea, because I’ve had my cat for a month and I’m honestly hoping she gets adopted soon. She’s a sweet cat, likes to be petted, and overall close to what I imagined having a cat would be like. And yet, I don’t particularly like being a cat owner.

    I think my biggest frustration is the unexpected destruction! She liked to hang out under the bed, and it was only later that I realized she had clawed her way into the box spring and was hanging out *inside* the bed. After coming back from being spayed, she clawed up one of my leather chairs and continues to scratch at it when I’m not around. Now I’m always vaguely anxious about what she’ll turn her attention to next. I also really dislike the whole concept of the litter box. It’s scented and every time I scoop it out the perfume smell lingers in the air. Same with when I open the garbage can. It doesn’t smell bad, but since that smell is associated with cat poop it’s somehow really disturbing. On top of that, the thing that I loved about cats in theory but apparently not in practice is that she’s affectionate on her own terms. She likes to be petted but doesn’t like to hang out on my lap for very long. If and when she does, she does this kneading thing with her paws that hurts because her claws are out. I live alone and I guess I somehow thought she’d be more companionship, but it’s more like having a friendly but distant roommate.

    My college roommate had a cat who was super skittish and didn’t really like me, but my roommate wasn’t super friendly either so I didn’t care much. I also lived with a cat that had apparently been trained, and liked to play fetch. He was friendly but distant, and while I wanted to be closer it felt like it made sense because he didn’t really know me that well. There was also an outdoor pet cat near my previous place that would come over and be pet if you called him, so he was like a friendly stranger. In all those situations the cat was a peripheral part of my life and it always felt like more access would be more fun or satisfying. But maybe it was fun *because* there was no commitment?

    Maybe I’m the kind of person who wants to be friends with someone with a cat rather than owning one myself? My perception of dogs is that they give and demand a lot more attention, so maybe I’m actually a dog person? When my mom heard I was fostering a cat, she said I should have fostered a dog because I’d have to take it out for walks. Maybe she was right about that — I had a tendency to isolate myself indoors to an unhealthy degree even before the pandemic, and I could certainly do with the fresh air. Or maybe I’m just legitimately lonely (live alone, away from family, new city, pandemic) and I would be enjoying the cat more if she were an addition to an otherwise satisfying social life rather than attempting to compensate for the lack of one?

    These are all definitely first world problems, and I wouldn’t say I’m actively unhappy with the current situation. I’m just glad that it has an end date, even if somewhat unknown. But has anyone ever had the experience of thinking they were a pet person until they actually got one? What are your thoughts on my situation?

    1. Reba*

      I think you were really smart to foster first! By fostering, to some extent you are learning about “cats” or “pets” in general but also keep in mind that you are also learning things about living with this *specific* animal that are not applicable to all.

      My gran has had cats for decades since she was widowed. Some of them have been great snuggly friends to her, and others have been like you describe, a roommate that you have to feed. My great aunt has had a series of cats that basically spend all their lives hiding (except when they are watching you!).

      My other thought is to try to release the idea of being a “____ person” — cat dog or anything! This is not really a fixed or absolute trait. You don’t need to, like, change allegiance to dogs, you are not betraying anything or somehow failing at being a cat person by not finding it the way you had imagined! :) Our tastes and affinities change over time and as we learn, which is what you are doing now. Rather than seeing it as a binary option, like A) Yes Cat Person or B) Not Cat Person, this experience and your other observations can help you shade in a lot of nuance to your feelings about pet ownership. It’s complicated!

      Finally, remember you are doing a kind thing by taking care of this animal.

    2. Sleeping Late Every Day*

      My husband and I have adopted consecutive dogs (had one several years, got another after first one died). Since we both worked, we didn’t want to train a puppy, so we got a “used” dog. With a puppy, they bond with you like you’re their parent. With a grown animal, it takes longer, maybe four to six months. First dog was two years old when we got him, and once that initial phase was over, he was very cuddly. Second dog has never been as cuddly but shows affection in other ways. A friend had three cats for years; as they got old, the two cuddly ones died first, and her remaining one still isn’t physically affectionate after nearly twenty years. The thing with getting adult pets is, you can train certain behaviors, but you have to accept their individual personalities. If you want to train a kitten, you might have more input into how it turns out.

    3. GoryDetails*

      Heh! Yeah, sometimes the reality isn’t quite what one imagined. But there are a few changes I’d make if I were in your position. First – I always get unscented litter; I hate the mix of perfume and cat-pee-and-poo, much preferring the latter unadulterated. And when I have to keep litterboxes in my own living areas (such as now, when the cats are squabbling and I have to separate them sometimes), I use a “Litter Genie” to contain the waste; it has a bag-and-baffle system that really blocks the odors, so I just have to clean the boxes a couple of times a day and empty the bag when it’s full. [There are other ways to cut down on the odors, but that one does work quite well – though the unit and replacement bags are a bit pricey.]

      My cats love to get into the springs of the mattress AND of the sofa; haven’t decided if I want to bother replacing the underliner with a tougher fabric or just leave them to it. And I’ve lost a rather nice clothes hamper because – after decades of it’s being ignored by my previous cats – my latest one decided he loved to strop his claws on it, and he pretty much disassembled the rattan before I figured out how to stop him. Regular trimming of claws and access to sisal-wrapped cat-poles or cat-trees will help with the clawing, but sometimes it’s just part and parcel of having a feline around.

      Whether you try for another cat at some point or not, congrats for doing the fostering – it’s a valuable thing! And you could certainly foster a dog and see if that suits you better – though, as with cats, the individual animals will have different behaviors, so just because one cat or dog didn’t work out the way you’d hoped, it doesn’t mean another might not.

      Or you could switch to no-pets for you, and visit friends-with-pets for your animal contact. Or volunteer at shelters – if not outright fostering, maybe helping to walk the shelter-dogs, etc.

      Good luck, and sorry about your leather chair!

    4. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

      First of all, the scented litter yuck has an easy solution: unscented litter! When I first got my own place, I was really disgusted by the potent smell in close quarters as well, then I realized that the part that really bothered me was the perfume. Swap that stuff gradually out for an unscented litter that is good at taking care of the biological odor as well (I like Tidy Cats free & clear), and your nose will be much happier.

      2nd, cats are very much different in the level of attention they demand! Most of the time I am home and awake I have at least one of my two touching me or following me around. One follows me into the bathroom and watches me wash the dishes, the other rolls onto her back and yells at me to get belly rubs. Both show up in my lab multiple times a day and usually stay there until I move and then they are offended. Try a different cat for your next foster and you might find a better friend.

      3rd, a certain level of mess and destruction just happens any time you allow a living creature access to your space, but that does seem a bit high for a cat that hasn’t been there very long. Climbing into the bed springs and clawing up chairs are very classic ways cats destroy things though.

      4th, clip her claws! It will be unpleasant, but will prevent all the little holes being poked in your skin when she kneads you.

    5. Spessartine*

      To address your cat-specific issues:

      Trimming her claws will help with the destruction and the kneading pain. I just use regular nail clippers for mine. Some of them aren’t fond of the process because they don’t like being held, but if yours is squirmy you could try bribing with treats. Also, you can never have enough scratching surfaces! I have multiple scratching posts, trees with scratchable coverings, and several scratch ‘n’ naps (for horizontal scratching) that my cats love.

      Scented litter is so gross–I use unscented grass-based litter, which does have a smell of its own but it’s not perfumey and it’s not unpleasant. I have a litter genie (think it’s a knockoff, actually) and it really helps keep the poop smell down.

      As far as affection goes, yeah…cats are cats and they do their own thing. I own six cats and a grand total of one of them will actually cuddle with me sometimes. The others are completely obsessed with my sister, who I live with. I don’t think this is a general “cat” thing as much as a “your specific cat” thing. Your cat might just not be a cuddler. I have two cats who are generally terrified of everything and will vanish the instant something unexpected happens; their brother (actual sibling, not just adopted) is the chillest dude ever who is alarmed by almost nothing. The range between their personalities is amazing. Which leads to your last question:

      I actually don’t think dogs are any better! Just like cats, they have their own personalities and may or may not want to spend a large amount of time with you. (Granted, you can target this better by breed, whereas with cats it’s a little more of a tossup.) Growing up, my family had dogs but not cats. I knew I loved cats but I also thought I was a dog person. Our dogs were wonderful dogs, but they did their own thing. They would happily stay outside the entire day, chasing squirrels and sleeping under trees. Sometimes they’d want to play, and of course they loved to go for walks and get attention, but they were pretty independent otherwise. It was great.

      So when I moved out and wanted to get a pet, I thought, of course I’ll get a dog!

      Well my dog has separation anxiety. She follows me everywhere inside the house; I can’t get two seconds away from her. If I go outside, she stands at the door and whines and whines and pants until I come back in. When I got her, she was horribly leash reactive and most walks ended with me in tears because she would lose her mind when she saw another dog. After a lot of training and a lot of years (she’s 12 now), she’s better at this, but I still hate taking her for walks because of the risk. She always smells (normal dog funk), even shortly after a bath. She’s *always* in my way, because she has no spacial awareness. She routinely paints the walls with blood splatter from her tail from wagging too hard. She just requires *so much attention*.

      Now, despite all the above complaining, I do love her, and she does bring a lot of happiness to the house. She’s sometimes shockingly clever and does some hilarious things. (Also, some of the cats think she’s the love of their life and spend hours snuggling with her.) But. If I could go back in time, I would have gotten a cat instead.

      I think it’s very smart that you decided to foster before adopting. It does sound like you’re just not clicking with this specific cat, which is totally fine! Pet and people personalities sometimes just don’t gel. I would recommend fostering again after your current kitty gets adopted. You may find that the next cat has an entirely different personality that you get along with much better! Or, of course, you could foster a dog instead. Just remember that dogs can be just as destructive as cats, if not worse. My dog destroyed my roommate’s shoes shortly after I got her, plus as a few pillows and other miscellaneous items around the house, as well as strewing the contents of the kitchen trash can across the house multiple times and eating a bunch of chocolate accidentally left where she could reach it!

    6. The Other Dawn*

      First, fostering first was definitely the right thing to do. It gives you a good idea of what your life will be like with a cat–that particular cat.

      As others have said, unscented litter is your friend here. I used Dr. Elsey’s Precious Cat. It’s mostly in pet stores and online at Chewy, but I’ve started seeing it in grocery stores. It’s nearly dust-free and I don’t feel like it’s any more expensive that other litters. Also, I don’t know where the trash cans are, but if you’re able to scoop the litter into a bag and then discard outside in a trash can, that will eliminate the dirty litter storage smell since it’s outside.

      Scratching. Cats scratch. Some won’t touch the furniture if you have scratching posts and other scratching surfaces. Others will scratch anything and everything, even with a scratching post available. Keep the nails trimmed. If you can’t do it yourself, many pet stores will have a monthly “clinic” and offer nail trimming for like $10.

      Affection. Yeah, cats can be very aloof and only want affection on their own terms. One of mine is pretty stuck up…until he gets on the back of the couch or on the bed. He then turns into a totally different cat and wants all the pets. Another two seem to always want pets and belly rubs. The others are somewhere in between.

      I would say if you really do want a cat, keep fostering until you find the right one for you. Fostering can be very rewarding in the meantime, since you’re giving a cat a home and keeping it fed and socialized so it can go on to be someone’s forever cat. It also helps out the rescues a lot.

    7. Nicole76*

      I have a similar background to you – no pets growing up, always thought of myself as a cat person, but never could have one because of other family member’s allergies. It would kill me as a kid when someone would be going around the neighborhood with a box of free kittens and I couldn’t take one home.

      Then about 9 years ago I finally had the opportunity to start fostering kittens. They were so much fun, but I learned I really didn’t care how easily they could get into everything and hated all the fur left behind on the furniture. After 3 litters I stopped fostering because my husband suddenly starting having issues with his asthma around them. By then I was completely over the idea of owing a cat anyway.

      Three years passed and we fell in love with a puppy someone decided they couldn’t keep and without any planning became dog owners. I couldn’t be happier! She is a non-shedding breed who doesn’t get into things and is too small to get up in high places like a cat. I love her more than I could have ever imagined. She can be a lot of work due to some health issues, but I wouldn’t trade her for the world.

      I never thought of myself as a dog person but it turns out I am. Maybe you are too without even knowing it. I guess the next step would be fostering a dog to find out.

    8. Ask a Manager* Post author

      I agree with others that you were really smart to foster first! I also agree on trying unscented litter; I can’t stand scented litter and I’ve never been convinced cats like it either. Some other things:

      – Cats have very individual personalities. It sounds like you might like a more cuddly cat, possibly a lap cat. A lot of rescue groups really know their animals, especially if they have them in foster homes, and so if you describe the kind of cat you’d like to adopt, they can often match you up well. You can definitely tell them you’d like a lap cat!

      – My cats also did the “scratch open the bottom of box spring and hang out inside of it” thing. It was right after we moved and they were freaked out by being in a new house; hiding in the box spring made them feel safe. It might not be a coincidence that your cat did that while still new. We solved it by putting a fitted sheet over the bottom of the box spring and foiling their attempts to get in there.

      – Scratching posts! Preferably right next to whatever they like to scratch, and lots of redirection to it. That said, cats do scratch things and it’s part of the deal with having them. Trimming their claws every couple of weeks will help. (Also, you should never, ever declaw a cat because it’s cruel and painful … but if the scratching really bothers you, there are cats looking for homes who someone did declaw. Again, it is a horrible thing to do and please never do it, but those cats are out there and also need homes. My old cat Sam was one such cat; I discovered after adopting him that his previous owner had declawed him and while I will never forgive that person, he was a lovely kitty.)

      1. Windchime*

        This is so true about the scratching posts. My 9 year old cat all the sudden decided that he was going to start clawing up the furniture after a lifetime of not doing that. (He did it when he was a kitten but then I put the wide double-sided tape on all the corners and he stopped). This time, I realized it was because his rough door mat that he has used for years was no fun to scratch any longer. I bought him a new door mat and a small sisal scratching post and placed them right by the corner of the chair he wanted to scratch and it really helped! He’s not really food motivated but he does have treats that he adores, so for the first few days I would give him a treat every time he used one of his new scratching tools.

        Also, I agree that the nail clipping is important. He does not like it; he acts like I am literally trying to cut his toes off (I barely snip off the sharp ends). But I hold him firmly and talk to him very softly as I clip, and then we go and get a treat after because he is a Good Boy.

        Finally — cats cuddle on their own terms. On a Cuddle Scale of 1 – 10, mine is a bout a 4. I take the cuddles when he wants to have them, and the rest of the time I leave him be. My previous cat was a 9; he would sit in my lap every time I sat down.

    9. Flower necklace*

      I love my cat, but I was also surprised at some of the downsides of owning a cat by myself for the first time. Like all cats, he has his own quirks. He can be very demanding. He doesn’t destroy furniture, but I can’t leave out any paper because he’ll ruin it. He knocks things off shelves. I can never eat a meal in peace because he either wants to be fed or he wants me to play with him.

      He’s very sweet, but it also took him a while to become affectionate. He didn’t sleep on my bed for years. I started out with a cat bed that I placed on my bed. He started sleeping there, and then I eventually removed the cat bed. Now he usually falls asleep with me, even if I have to grab him at bedtime.

      Like I said, I love him more than anything. He has many good qualities, such as being easy to handle (no problems with being picked up or nail clipping) and being fairly low-maintenance. However, I think he’ll probably be my only cat.

    10. NeonFireworks*

      I agree that you probably just need to make a few tweaks and then keep fostering until you get an excellent match. That said, I think of myself as a cat person from a distance; I want to hear about other people’s, but doubt I really want any cats in my house. I scratch that itch, so to speak, by reading sites like Love Meow (which is full of adorable rescue/adoption stories with photos and videos).

    11. Miel*

      Lots of great advice here! I’ll just add: the classic solution to “my cat is being destructive” is to give them enrichment: constructive things to do. Play with them with a wand toy or a string (just make sure they can’t eat the string). Make sure they have nice low hidden places to hide (cardboard boxes work great) and places to sit up high and observe the world (a perch by the window is lovely). Buy or make toys for them to bat at. Take them outside on a leash – they won’t walk like a dog, but they might enjoy sniffing the air and watching squirrels. Or they may not. The foster org might be able to hook you up with some toys and equipment.

      You can protect/ deter to some extent by covering your furniture with a blanket or putting aluminum foil where you don’t want them to walk (many cats don’t like the noise).

      Hoping you find a lovely companion in the future!

      1. osmoglossum*

        So glad you mentioned enrichment, Miel! I would spend a small fortune on cat toys, many of which my cats were totally indifferent to, but if i dropped a piece of uncooked pasta, they would go wild batting it around. They also loved pipe cleaner tarantulas that I made. The store-bought toys they absolutely adored were small fuzzy mice; Da Bird — irresistible to 99% of cats; and Cat Dancer (whoever invented that was an ablsolute genius). What a lot of people don’t understand is that cats, while independent creatures, require a fair amount of attention, especially if they’re the sole cat in the household, but that attention has to be in addition to petting/cuddling.

        1. Windchime*

          Agree about the attention. And all cats are different in what kind of attention they want; mine either wants to cuddle or play hunting games. Games where toys or items are hidden under paper or sofa pillows are particularly fun.

    12. Aphrodite*

      I hear you. The litter can. be instantly made better by. using Arm. & Hammer Fragrance Free (not the Unscented). Fragrance Free is exactly that. I found it years ago when I realized the regular ones had perfumes that when mixed with urine were godawful. They were terrible anyway (because I do not allow scented stuff in my home or around me) but when used … dear god.

      Having lost my. longtime three cats. due. to. age (one was fifteen, two were. nineteen). I got three. more last. summer.. One was two years. old. her daughter. was 1.5 years old, and another unrelated kitten was three months old. Man, it it is still an ongoing adjustment and I almost gave them back to the shelter. They have tall scratching posts they use but the daughter is the most playful/destructive. She likes to turn on her side/back and pull herself under the sofas. and beds and claw at the fabric until she tears it and pulls the stuffing out. I promptly removed the legs from the sofas but I can’t do anything about the beds. It has gotten maybe–maybe–a trifle better but the legs won’t go back on the sofas anytime soon.

      I do have an idea to have a carpenter make a kind of wood barrier just the height of the opening between the floor and the bottom of the bed frame, four sides that are attached to each other by small pieces of wood that can screw them together at the four corners for no movement.

      Or you could consider offering to foster older cats who the shelter would like to have spend their golden years in a home. These tend to be calmer and think lying around in the sunshine the best thing ever.

    13. RagingADHD*

      My experience was opposite. I’ve always been a person who liked other people’s cats okay but never wanted one. Then we found an abandoned kitten last year, and he is our baby.

      He loves snuggles, hates to be alone, prefers to be carried around, and likes kisses on his face. The claws are no fun, but if he gets sleepy enough he’ll let us trim the points off.

      I think part of your situation may be a mismatch of personalities.

      1. RagingADHD*

        Seconding (thirding? Fourthing?) unscented litter.

        We got a spray from Citrus Magic that is supposed to have some kind of enzymes or something to control the extra-stinky poos. You spritz it right into the box. We only need to use it occasionally. It has a light natural orangey smell for a few minutes and then disappears, rather as if someone peeled an orange in the next room.

    14. Hlao-roo*

      Other commenters have given a lot of great suggestions that might lead you back to being a cat person after all. I want to say that if you try all the things (unscented litter, trimming claws, etc) and still aren’t a cat person: that’s OK. And it’s totally normal to feel destabilized and sad and even a little foolish for not being the person you thought you were/could be/wanted to be.

      I haven’t had a pet-related identity crisis, but I have definitely been through “I always thought I wanted [thing] but now I realize I do not want [thing] and I don’t even know who I am anymore. How can I not even know what I want?” It’s a strange way to feel, but your self-identity will re-calibrate and you’ll get through it.

  69. Anono-me*

    Has anyone tried using a thermal cooker. It sounded absolutely wonderful. Cook something for about 20 min. Take it off of the stovetop, put the lid on and head out. Then 6-8 hours later everything is hot and ready no matter where you go.

    The internet stuff that I have read is good, but I would hate to waste $100 +/- on a gimmick.

    Thank you.

    1. Glomarization, Esq.*

      The end result is essentially the same as what you get when you use a slow cooker (crockpot). If you regularly use a crockpot, then you might want to try it for, one, peace of mind, that you don’t have an electric appliance plugged in and turned on while you’re out of the house; or, two, the electricity cost savings.

      We use our crockpot once or twice per week. In my hippie days I had some friends who used a D.I.Y. “haybox” that they made with a cardboard box and blankets, but I never tried using one, myself.

      1. fposte*

        I would worry about homemade ones dipping below the safe temperature zone. I’m presuming the factory ones at least come with instructions that it’s on you to follow to keep safe.

        1. Glomarization, Esq.*

          Ding-ding-ding this is a big reason why I’m no longer anywhere near as much a hippie as I used to be.

    2. Cambridge Comma*

      I bought one for my parents and apparently it works.
      Very occasionally when work permits I make dinner before picking my children up from school. I wrap the pan in a blanket and it stays hot for a good few hours. (I prefer to keep it warm to maximise the leftovers.)

  70. Swisa*

    Eating and/or cooking thread!

    My partner had squid ink pasta last night with a cream sauce, and I took a bite and it was really delicious!

  71. the cat's ass*

    I finally gave up on my beloved Coleman sleeping bag orange zippers-all-the-way-around, rectangular not mummy shaped, lined in flannel. We had a housefire a couple of years ago and said bag definitely got smoked. I’ve tried to use it , but yuck. I’ve had it washed/professionally drycleaned, hung it out to air, etc. Nothing worked and i finally tossed it, to discover that Coleman is no longer making this model!
    Any suggestions for a similar replacement? Thanks, i have a camping trip coming up!

    1. Reba*

      LL Bean is still making classic flannel lined bags.

      If you don’t like the feel of technical fabrics on other options, you could also try adding a liner. If you are open to trying a hooded bag type, this feature made a huge difference to me in terms of warmth over a standard rectangle with nothing on top.

      1. the cat's ass*

        Thank you! The aforementioned bag was rectangular and fit me really well (im a big woman0 and it had a little curved head space. I’ll check out LLbean!

    2. Mary*

      I just got a Coleman at Walmart. It has a sort of flannel on one side and is rectangular. It’s very cozy, high quality, and I love it. Rub your hand o the flannel to see if you like it before you buy it.

  72. Potatoes gonna potate*

    My toddler was referred to a speech therapist and developmental pediatrician at her 18 month checkup last month.

    Generally, whenever I need to go to a specialist the first place I go to is the insurances website, look for the provider directory and filter the search with the specific plan I’m in so that I find providers specifically in that network. That’s always worked for me in the past. 

    I found one place, and after a lot of struggle (they wouldn’t accept the Rx the doctor wrote so I had to literally drive back 35 minutes one way to the doctor to get a new script) I was able to get an appt for a speech therapist in late March 1.5 hours away. When I set the appt the rep said they were in network. The developmental pediatrician… they said call back in 1 month just to get on a wait list that was a year long. 

    A few days later I called the insurance to find more in network providers so that I can get a sooner appt closer to home. I was given the name of one and when I called, someone answered with a flat hello (don’t blast me for this, that always throws me off and I end up stammering and stuttering). I asked if she was the speech therapist and she said yea, I told her how I got her number and she said she doesn’t take that insurance. I tried to tell her that the insurance company gave me her info directly and she said yea but they won’t pay her unless my child is diagnosed with something like autism or cancer etc. 

    So…I called the insurance back to get clarity on my kids benefits. And then was told I need to get a prior authorization. First time I’m hearing that. They said get the doctor to send the request before I set an appt with any provider. I Went back to doctor. They want me to find the doctor and get the NPI code & info etc. i emailed the person who set up my appt for March and am waiting to hear back. 

    So that’s for my daughter. Now for my mom — she’s been asking me daily to set up appts for her to see the regular doctor or eye doctor or dentist or physical therapist etc. i got around to searching for eye doctors and after 40 minutes and about 20 calls – 5 of the ones who answered said they did not accept my mothers insurance. When I pointed out I found their info on the insurance directory, they had no idea just that they don’t accept it.

    I’m just mind boggled at all of this. I feel like the steps I took before – specify the search, and/or call the company directly for a list of providers – are failing me and I’m so stressed out about it. On top of that I had my own nasty surprise at the pharmacy the other day with some Rx and I’m ostrich-ing cz I just don’t have the spoons to deal with more right now. My mothers stuff isn’t as concerning to me as is my daughters appts. 

    It’s such a weird thing to deal with. Can anyone relate? any advice on what else I should be doing, how ot navigate this maze etc.

    1. Fellow Traveller*

      For your child- where are you located? My state offers free developmental services for children under the age of three and we saw a speech therapist through our county provided services. (I gather this is available in a lot of places) The waitlist was only about a month long and then we had biweekly appointments.
      I feel like your ped should have known about the services if they are available, but thought I’d mention it…

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        I’m in NJ. My friend told me about Early Intervention. I called earlier in the week but wasn’t able to get through on the phone. Lest anyone think I was being lazy – I am so extremely busy on a daily basis it feels like I have 100 little things to do but don’t get done so it feels like ntohing is done and im failing at everything. I only have mornings to make calls, work, and the million other things and it’s nearly impossible for me to do calls in the afternoon. I’m going to keep trying though.

    2. Double A*

      I know my county offers early intervention services. You may not qualify because I think it’s income dependent, but they might be a place to start in terms of resources. A lot of the early childhood resources in my area are coordinated through the library.

    3. Observer*

      There is a good chance that you could get significant help for both your mother and you child from government services.

      For your mother look into local and State Agency for Aging. They go by different names, but the idea is the same. eg NYC has Department for the Aging (DFTA) and NYS have Sate Office For Aging (SOFA).

      For your child, check into early intervention on the state and local level. Some areas are much more helpful than others, but in many areas you don’t need to go through private insurance to get the help you need.

    4. Fulana del Tal*

      Insurance directories are often outdated. Trust the doctors office when they say they are not in-network. There’s nothing to do except what you are already doing, calling to confirm that they accept your insurance.

      Like you I also have to the set up my appointments for my mother. What i do when searching for a specialist is first search for one in my area then calling to verify insurance.

      Also don’t wait for the pediatrician office to return your call, call them until you get the info you need. You don’t want to miss your appointment because you didn’t have the pre-authorization

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        Right, I get that – I don’t think I’m challenging or being rude to the doctors office when I call and ask that? I’ve never had this issue for myself whenever I needed a specialist. Everyone was always in network. It just seemed pretty surprising that 5 out of 5 I call are not in network.

      2. Potatoes gonna potate*

        I mean…in the past I always searched for someone through my insurance and never had an issue. I’m not screaming at them or getting angry, but it is incredulous that 5 out of 5 places called don’t accept the insurance (and I suspect majority of the remaining ones I’m calling tomorrow will not either). 

        1. ShinyPenny*

          One theory: The insurance companies add MD’s to their lists so that it LOOKS like there are many providers available to their customers, when in fact there are very few.
          I worked for an MD for years, who had NEVER been contracted with any insurance companies. And yet he was listed as an in-network provider on many, many insurance company lists, every year. I gave up trying to fix it after the first year– my boss said it was impossible, and in my experience he was correct.
          Pro tip: Ask first, “Are you actually in-network for me?” and save yourself a lot of time and frustration :(

          1. fhqwhgads*

            Every insurance-provided list I’ve ever seen, be it paper pamphlet in ye olden days, or website search feature, had a big old warning that the results may not be up to date, things can change rapidly and at any time, and to always confirm with any provider if they’re network. Doesn’t explain the dr who never accepted any insurance, but for everyone else, this is SOP.

    5. RagingADHD*

      I have never had much success finding providers through the insurance directory. They go on and off different plans, have different rules, etc, and the directories don’t stay up to date.

      Word of mouth has always been the best for me. Mommy groups IRL, parents of playmates, or local Facebook mom groups are a treasure trove of this type information, for both pediatric specialist and adult-focused providers.

    6. Jean (just Jean)*

      Can you connect with other parents of children with similar speech/developmental challenges? Sometimes there is one especially tuned-in person who knows where to find community information sources, or which professional specialists will or won’t accept ABC, XYZ, etc. insurance policies.

      I realize this isn’t easy, especially when you’re still in the chicken-or-egg cycle of not yet having a solid diagnosis or plan because you can’t get through the thicket of misinformation that’s blocking you from identifying which professional(s) will or won’t take your insurance.

      Is there anyone else–family, friend, or neighbor–who can find some of the “does this doctor take this insurance” answers for your Mom?

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        Unfortunately no one else to really outsource moms stuff to except my husband. He says he’s willing to do it when he goes to work (he WFH) but he runs in to the same issue as I do – any “alone” time (aka time without the kid) is spent working or housework or something else that’s important. One of us has to watch the kid while the other one does the calls. Last year I spent 3 days calling up various doctors offices and finding the ones who took her insurance and then making appts that fit in with our schedules, it was like a game of tetris. Only for her to decide she doesn’t feel like going and skipping all of them.

    7. Imtheone*

      Early intervention services are available to everyone in the US. I don’t know about costs or insurance. This is included in laws like ADA. The need for a speech therapist makes her qualify for services.
      Try googling Exceptional Children’s programs, and see what is close to your area. Other parents may have suggestions.
      Your local public school system could also be a resource. They should have programs for at least three year olds and up, and they likely know more about the process.
      Insurance companies can agree to pay out of network if no in-network providers are available.
      You’re right to be looking for someone. It’s much better to start with children when they are quite young.
      Other thoughts: has your daughter had a hearing test? Important to rule out hearing issues when there are concerns about speech.
      I used to be a special education teacher in the public schools. Now I do one-on-one tutoring.

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        So she did get a hearing test in the hospital when she was born – all was fine. I think she had one at her 15 month check up and that was fine as well? The doctor checked her ears for infection but said all was clear. Last year she was saying dadada/bababa but she stopped. She still babbles and screams happily and makes noises, just not anything we can really understand. The pediatrician did recommend a developmental pediatrician b/c I had concerns about her sleep as well and she said these are all connected. Tbh I’m still not sure what a dp does and how they’re all connected but.

    8. 00ff00Claire*

      I can somewhat relate – navigating US healthcare is ridiculous, especially if you are looking for a specialist or expert. I don’t have a lot of advice for the medical system because I haven’t had to navigate as extensively as you are doing, but I will say that I hate that it is this way because it certainly doesn’t have to be.

      If you are still struggling to find appointments for your daughter, I would also recommend trying to get an evaluation through the state. Every state in the US offers services for infants and toddlers with developmental delays. I can’t say whether that would be any faster as far as getting an appointment for evaluations, but if she qualifies the services are free of charge or on a sliding scale based on income. Honestly, even if you continue to pursue an evaluation through a pediatrician or private speech therapist, I would still recommend reaching out to the state agency for an appointment. Children do not already need a diagnosis to qualify for services and the state agency conducts their own evaluations to determine whether or not children qualify for the services, which can be speech, OT, PT, or more generalized developmental therapy.

      The program is Part C of the IDEA and is generically referred to as the Infant-Toddler Program, but each state has a their own specific name for it. If you google either your state or county & state + “Part C program” or + “Infant Toddler Program” or + “Infant Toddler Child Find”, you should be able to find your state’s specific program and probably the county agency that manages the program. Every state has a program, you just have to find the name of it in your state and who to contact.

      Something else you could look into is, if you have a state university with a psychology department, it’s possible that the university will have an evaluation clinic and/or developmental psychiatrists. Medical schools are also a source to look for a developmental pediatrician.

      I hope that you are able to find something that will work out for you and your family.

    9. RagingADHD*

      IDK if my comment got eaten, or if I used a word that triggered the mod filter. But in general, researching from the healthplan has not worked well for me because participation changes all the time and the databases don’t stay current.

      Word of mouth has always been better for me. If you’re involved in local mom’s groups, either online or offline, those are usually a great place to build a short list of folks to call. Not just for kid stuff, but adult and/or elder needs too.

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        That’s true, I did realize the participation changes, I guess before it was a once in a blue moon and it feels way more frequent now.

        1. Potatoes gonna potate*

          True, I am in a few groups where I could post there. One of my close friends actually did go through early intervention but I feel weird asking we’re all swamped with work and family stuff

    10. Potatoes gonna potate*

      Wow, thank you everyone for the replies! I posted this earlier but I think it went into moderation and totally forgot. I hope my reply(ies) won’t be too late.

  73. AvonLady Barksdale*

    This one sounds simple but I need ideas. My grandfather passed away this week (it’s been devastating, we were very close) and in addition to mourning him, there are a lot of logistics to deal with that fall solely to me and my mother. The problem is that my mother, who is a very intelligent woman, does absolutely everything on paper or hard drive. We live several states apart from each other and I need access to many things, plus I have asked her to share certain documents and photos with me for back-up purposes. She’s leaving Post-It Notes all over my grandfather’s condo, so I’ve asked her to take pictures and text them to me. (I live several states away from the condo too, and while I will be going back in a few weeks, those notes may very well disappear.)

    I want her to set up her Google Drive and upload documents that she can share with me and she thinks it’s a good idea. My problem is… she will not follow my instructions. Either she doesn’t hear or she doesn’t listen. This is not an executive function problem– she does not believe that I know what I’m talking about. Ever. About anything. A random stranger will walk her through things and get more attention and respect than I will.

    Can anyone recommend a website or article or anything with very clear instructions that I can send to her? A step-by-step guide you’ve used? The Google Drive homepage won’t work– it needs to be crystal clear. Maybe I should call the Geek Squad, I don’t know.

    I’m so frustrated. Don’t get me started about my request for us to sit down and create a spreadsheet while we were still in the same room– I got yelled at and told I was being ridiculous.

    1. Formerly in HR*

      Does she really need to share the Goigle Drive with you? In my personal experience, when I wanted to share some files with others, I attached them in a Gmail (i.e. wrote standard e-maik, then used the paper clip icon to select and associate each file I needed). Due to file size or number of attachments etc. Gmail actually uploads these on my Drive and sends the recipient a link to access them (without them having access to my full Drive, or me seetting any sharing permissions).

      1. Formerly in HR*

        Another thought – if she takes photos with the phone, she can also share those via WhatsApp and then if you have sync enabled you can download them from your Drive, or connect the phone to a computer via cable and look for their folder

      2. AvonLady Barksdale*

        She doesn’t have a Drive set up period. Every doc is on her hard drive. So when she travels, she can’t access anything and therefore she can’t share with me.

    2. fposte*

      I’m sorry for your loss.

      Let me come at this from another way. If you are an organized person at all, this is, I’m sure, driving you crazy. But your tech averse mom may not be getting on board the Google Drive train the week her dad died, or even the week after. What do you want to do if she sticks to paper and pencil? I’d plan for that. Backups can wait. If the sticky notes disappear, what does that mean–an object ends up going to a different relative? That may be undoable or, at worst, survivable; presumably she’s made her peace with that eventuality.

      It can feel like everything has to be done in a hurry after a death, but there are fewer rushes than it seems. Honestly, my inclination would be to postpone the tech plans until you go out there.

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        That’s part of my trouble. I am fine with a few things going, she’s not. I’d rather wait, she wants everything done now. I’m trying to help her, but all of my efforts are for nil– then I get criticized for not helping. “You need to do X!” “OK, can you share this document so I can do that?” “You don’t need it!” And around and around.

        Believe me, if this could wait, I would be ok. She is so caught up in making sure no one but us touches anything, yet when I try to offer backup solutions, I become the one wasting efforts.

        1. fposte*

          Ugh. That’s rough. It doesn’t help you solve anything, but I wonder if this is just a way for her to be angry about her loss. If it were me in this “pick your poison” scenario, I’d be inclined toward the poison where I didn’t have to spend a lot of time and effort.

        2. Not So NewReader*

          Fposte is kind.

          I think I would say, “Mom, you want my help or no?”.

          When she tells you that you do not know what you are talking about, you could ask her why she asked for help in the first place or say “Great! So you got it then. I will just leave you to it! talk to you later, bye!”

          Honestly she does not sound like a person who is willing to accept help. And there really is nothing you can do to make her change that. She has to want to change.

          Some times just donning a new stance is enough. My MIL complained that my husband and I were not emptying out her house fast enough. Fifteen rooms and 60 years of living in one house is not going to be a quick job. One day she made that complaint one too many times. I said to my husband, “If I hear that again, I am done. She can figure it all out.” (This is on the heels of many other comments.) Well maybe my shoulders went back into position and I stood straighter or maybe I had a new aura around me. She never made comments again.

          In a last ditch attempt maybe create a no fly zone for BS and see if that changes this story line.

    3. Generic Name*

      If she does everything on paper, can she mail you copies of stuff? Then you can scan and save however you prefer.

      1. Generic Name*

        Similarly, if the post it notes are to keep track of who gets what, can she take a photo of the item plus sticky note and print the picture and mail them to you? It might help her feel like she’s “doing something” right now.

        1. AvonLady Barksdale*

          Yeah, I’ve asked her to text me photos of every note, which she finally agreed to do. And I save everything immediately in about four places!

          She and I are VERY different people.

    4. marvin the paranoid android*

      Do you think it might be easier to just set up remote access to her desktop and do it yourself? If all of the documents are on her computer already and it’s just a matter of adding them to Google Drive, it might be the path of least resistance. I know Windows has a built-in remote desktop app, I think all you need to do is share an access code.

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        Oh man, that would make everything so easy! I will look into this, thank you! I didn’t know that was a possibility…

        1. marvin the paranoid android*

          I hope it works out for you! If not, my other recommendation would be to create a Dropbox account and send a file request. That way she doesn’t need to set up an account or anything, she could just click a link and drag and drop the files in. This has worked pretty well for most of the extremely non-tech-savvy clients I’ve worked with.

        2. Observer*

          Yes. There are a LOT of decent options, and a lot of them are free for personal use.

          You don’t even have to have constant access. Just each time you have access send yourself whatever you need that’s on her hard drive.

          Oh, and suggest that she use something like google drive to backup her files. Nothing to do with sharing with you or anything like that. But happens if her drive or computer fails?

        3. Not So NewReader*

          The guy who takes care of my computer put Team Viewer on here so he can talk me through problems without having to do a house call.

          Other people may have better ideas. But TV is free.

    5. Jean (just Jean)*

      So sorry for both of your losses. Additional sympathy to you, for having your mom be so dismissive of your efforts and suggestions. What a bad time for this tangle of logistics. From this blog (and my own life) I’ve learned that grief can be enormously disruptive for one’s cognitive functioning, receptivity to new ideas, ability to “think outside the box,” etc. I hope it’s not armchair diagnosis if I wonder whether her grief is enhancing your mom’s usual determination to disregard whatever you say.

      Can you identify anyone who could be a neutral third party and your on-site tech representative/assistant? This person could photograph the Post-It Notes, text you the photos, send you documents, etc.–all while providing emotional support and validation for your mom and her own way of approaching tasks. She might also be able to provide physical help by, say, writing the comments on the sticky notes or reaching into hard-to-access places to get the notes properly positioned.

      Ideally this person will: live near your grandfather’s condo; have the necessary skills in tech and interpersonal diplomacy, and the necessary scheduling flexibility; already know your mom (and be someone she respects and can work with); either knew or is familiar with your grandfather, or be someone he would have liked because of similar professional or personal interests.

      Good wishes for getting through the necessary tasks in a way that you and your mom can both approve as much as possible.

    6. Jean (just Jean)*

      One more thought: Would your mom be comfortable in sending the photos as email attachments? She sounds like she has a number of solid tech skills but is hampered by her refusal to move beyond her current comfort zone. (I can relate to this because I’m somewhat similar–although I’m trying to push myself to change.)

  74. beentheredonethat*

    Teams and she can turn on and walk thru and show with camera and share screens? Also hire GeekSquad or whoever to walk her thru the first time. She will believe them and the money you save on stress will help.?

    1. Double A*

      I need some guidance about pet sitting. For various reasons, I’ve almost never had to employ a pet sitter but that’s changing and I have no idea what a fair price is. We’re looking at going out of town for two nights.

      There are 3 cats. I’d need somebody to stop by in the morning and evening. In the morning they’d feed one cat and apply a topical medication in the ear of another. In the evening they’d give a pill to one cat and feed him, and apply the topical medication again to the other cat. The would also need to check the other cats’ food (they free feed from a microchip access feeder). Both cats are tolerant about getting their medication. The sitter would also need to monitor water and scoop the litter boxes one a day.

      This would all take 30 minutes or less, not including driving. I know I’ll negotiate with the actual petsitter, but I don’t want to start with a price that’s either excessive or insulting. What’s fair? $20 a visit (so $40 a day)? $20 a day? More? Less? We live in a more rural (though not remote) area so someone would definitely need to drive to us.

      1. marvin the paranoid android*

        I’ve done some pet sitting for acquaintances, but not professionally, so I don’t know what the standard price is. For me, $40 a day would be fair based on your description. But if I were you, I would make sure that you’re not underselling how difficult or time consuming it will actually be in practice. I’ve looked after animals that ended up being massively stress-inducing because they were so anxious about their routine being disrupted, and they created a lot of chaos as a result. (Not their fault! But it ended up being way more work and stress than I signed up for.) Do you have a sense of what your cats are like when you’re not around and when a stranger is trying to give them their medication?

      2. osmoglossum*

        I live in the SF Bay area, near Berkeley. The going rate here is $35-$50 for one 30 min visit. There are also fees for picking up/dropping off keys.

      3. squeakrad*

        If medication is involved I will check with your vets office and see if any of the techs there do pet sitting on the side. If they don’t, they may have references that you can call as well of pet centers they know who work well with animals in need medication. That’s how we found our first pet sitter, although we have since been working with a local neighborhood sitter who is trained in animal first aid and medication as well.
        We live in San Francisco and our pet sitter charges 25 per visit which would include pilling a cat if she needed it. If we had to change, the going rate here in town is more like $35-$40 per visit.

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