{ 864 comments… read them below }

    6. UKDancer*

      They definitely look like they’re plotting something sitting there. I think it’s probable that the one on the top is putting forward a plan for world domination and the one in the tunnel is making suggestions for how to improve it. It’s a lovely shot!

    9. SheLooksFamiliar*

      Agreed! I never met a cat I didn’t like but I’m horribly allergic to them. Alas, I must love them from afar.

      Thank you for sharing your kitties with us, Alison!

      1. Jean (just Jean)*

        +1 re being a horribly allergic feline fancier who must admire from afar.
        At least we can still donate old towels and the occasional funds.

        1. SheLooksFamiliar*

          We sure can – my local shelter gets regular donations of supplies and funds, too.

      1. Ask a Manager* Post author

        He lies like that ALL THE TIME, often with his head dangling down fully into the compartment below (and sometimes falling asleep with his head in the lower level). The other cats have grown used to having his head intruding when they’re in there.

    14. Daisy*

      I need an additional cat tree. Mine does not have a carpet tube for sprawling, and I am sad on behalf of my cats.

  2. Order of the Banana*

    I’ve been trying to expand my general knowledge recently, so I’m picking up some educational podcasts and books on random subjects (my next read will be The Secret Life of Colour by Kassia St. Clair, after I heard an interview on 99% Invisible).

    If anyone considers themselves a nerd on niche topics, would you kindly drop an interesting fact about your subject of interest?

    1. SG*

      I’ll have to think about the interesting fact on a niche topic, but in the meantime check out the podcast Uncivil if you haven’t already. It rocked my world. So so good.

    2. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

      Birds have flattened eyeballs. Think a ball, but a squashed ball. This is why birds always turn their head to look at you-they can’t roll the eye in its socket, so they have to turn their whole head.

      1. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

        This also gives me a weird pet peeve: animated birds that get this wrong. There was a commercial a couple year back where the owl irked me every time.

      2. Order of the Banana*

        Interesting! Do you know if a flatter eyeball allows for better vision? Does a bird’s primary method of obtaining food change the shape of the eyeball? Ex: hunting vs scavenging, birds that hunt in the air vs the water.

        1. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

          I believe there was mention of the greater surface area of the flatter back maybe being good for vision, but I can’t remember if it was “scientists wonder if the greater surface area helps with vision” or “scientists have proven that the greater surface area helps with vision” or something in between.

          I have no idea whether eye shape correlates to feeding style, but I would love to know, so if you ever find out please let me know! Obviously some species (eagles!) have excellent, excellent vision, but I don’t think I’ve heard anything about how good vision other groups have.

        2. JACQUI*

          Eye position is more relevant to feeding generally. Predators have forward facing eyes (this allows for judging depth of field and position accuracy) while prey have eyes to the side (for maximum peripheral vision.

          1. allathian*

            Yup. And owl eyes are elongated tubes that expand inwards towards the skull, so that the surface area of the retina is at least twice as large as the surface area of the visible eye, to improve night vision.

    3. Janet Pinkerton*

      Both the lowest point and the highest point of the US interstate system are tunnels: the Fort McHenry Tunnel under Baltimore’s harbor on I-95 and the Eisenhower-Johnson Tunnels across the Continental Divide on I-70 west of Denver.

      1. Order of the Banana*

        Oooh, tunnels and transportation planning are a whole new area for me (although I admire the logistics behind public transit design). How did you get into this subject? Do you have a particularly riveting book to go with this fact?

        1. Janet Pinkerton*

          I confess I haven’t looked for books related to it. My interest is mostly in the interstate systems and in geographic extremes, and for that I’ve just googled. I do recommend purchasing the Field Notes Highway Map though just because it’s really cool.

          I don’t know why I’m so into it, but I suspect it’s because I’m a spatial/relational spatial person rather than a visual person (I’m one of those people who can’t “picture” things) and I think that’s why I like maps and the interstate system so much. One thing I do for fun is pick two random US cities, then try to plot the optimal route between them in my head, then compare with Google maps to see how I did.

        2. Aphrodite*

          I know you didn’t ask me but have you read any of Henry Petroski’s books? He is SO interesting! You might really love them (as I do, says this non-engineer). Maybe you might want to look at The Road Taken: The History and Future of America’s Infrastructure.

          1. Order of the Banana*

            I have not but I am always up for expanding my genres, so I’m gonna add this one (and all the others suggested) to my GoodReads list.

        3. Jim Bob*

          If you want to get into infrastructure planning, David McCullough wrote two fantastic books about the building of the Brooklyn Bridge and the Panama Canal.

          1. Pippa K*

            My dad seconds the endorsement of McCullough’s Panama Canal book. Apparently a really interesting history.

            1. Texan In Exile*

              The book is very interesting! I lived in the Canal Zone when I was in high school and what struck me from the book – which I read when I was an adult – is that one of the mountains they had to blast through was a place we went parking when I was in high school.

              After you read McCullough’s book, read Paul Theroux’s Patagonian Express. He goes into more of the history behind the canal. (And his host while he was in Panama was the father of my best friend in 9th grade. It was so surprising to read Mr Dachi’s name when I read the book for a Latin America history class in college.)

              And – McCullough’s book about John Adams is amazing.

              1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

                I read the Brooklyn Bridge one, and then the Johnstown Flood one, and then the Panama Canal one, and then the John Adams one, and then I went through every McCullough book that my library had. Twice.

    4. Margaretmary*

      Ireland had one of the first female ministers in the world, but as the Dáil (the Irish parliament) was, at the time, illegal, it doesn’t always get counted. This also gets confusing for the British, as what happened was that Irish candidates were elected to the British House of Commons in the 1918 election but, instead of taking their seats, formed an Irish parliament in Dublin, so that means the first woman elected to the British House of Commons and the first woman to actually sit in it were two different people.

    5. ecnaseener*

      The words class, claim, clamor, calendar, clear and council all come from the same Proto-Indo-European root word, meaning “to shout.” Also, the old English word for February translates to “mud month” for unclear reasons.

      I learned those from the incredibly detailed History of English podcast!

      2. Tea and Cake*

        Something Rhymes with Purple is a similar British etymology of words podcast, hosted by Susie Dent and Gyles Brandreth. Highly recommend!

    6. PhyllisB*

      I’ll check back later with the title if I can find it, but I read a book several years ago about how time zones were determined. I love to read when I eat out alone, and one waitress, being friendly asked me what I was reading. When I told her, she looked at me oddly and didn’t say another word to me as long as I was there!!

    7. CatPerson*

      I love reading about natural history, and you can’t go wrong with anything by Bernd Heinrich. The Mind of the Raven hooked me to begin with and I’ve bought almost all of his books.

    8. Falling Diphthong*

      To remember the laws of thermodynamics:
      1st law: You can’t win, you can only break even.
      2nd law: You can only break even at absolute zero.
      3rd law: You can’t reach absolute zero.

      1. Blue Eagle*

        The only thing I remember from 11th grade chemistry is that everything tends toward:
        – minimum energy
        – maximum entropy
        And that the skin of a baked potato contains enzymes that help in the digestion of the potato.
        Thanks Mr. Hough!

      2. Formerly Ella Vader*

        We used to say “you can’t win. you can’t break even. you can’t even quit the game” meaning that there’s no measurement outside of absolute-zero. Not as clear an analogy as the others, though.

    9. RMNPgirl*

      Transfusion of blood products can be a lot more complicated than just blood type. Also, the ABO system for blood types was discovered just over 100 years ago so it’s actually a relatively young scientific field. A lot of what are considered clinically significant red cell antibodies (what can make it more complicated than just blood type) weren’t discovered until the mid-20th century.
      Also, one of the biggest medical advances in the 20th century was the creation of Rh Immune Globulin which is given to Rh negative women to prevent them from forming Anti-D. This antibody can cause future miscarriages if the fetus is Rh positive. The miscarriage rate in Rh negative women before the invention of Rh Immune Globulin was 10-15%, it is now less than 0.1%. This medication has saved probably millions of babies.

      1. Texan In Exile*

        Sadly, we still have horrible maternal mortality rates in the US – high for all women but even worse for women of color than for white women. Read “The Pain Gap” by Anushay Hossain.

        (She also talks about the lack of research and knowledge about women’s health issues – it took 20 years of intense period pain before anyone even said the word “endometriosis” to Padma Lakshmi.)

      2. It's Growing!*

        I was born in 1951. I went to school with a boy who was the only survivor of his mother’s 9 pregnancies due to the Rh negative problem. Why would I even know that as a child?

        The first mention of a preventive treatment for newborns with Rh disease appeared on April 24, 1947, … Unfortunately, he added, blood tests for the Rh factor were not widely available to pregnant women….But they were available to lawyers and their clients. On July 21, 1947, The Times reported the first use of the Rh factor, an inherited trait, as a test of parentage in a court case. The judge decided that on the basis of the man’s Rh test he could not be the father….On April 28, Ms. Brody reported that the drug, Rhogam, “will be made available to hospitals at $64.80 a dose” — about $407 in today’s money. Rh immune globulin, or RhIg (Rhogam is one of several brands), now costs about $100 a dose. Rh blood disease is no longer a threat.

    10. Mr. Tumnus*

      Not an interesting fact, but an interesting author: Carlo Rovelli. I’m a former Lit Major that nerds out on Physics. His “Seven Brief Lessons on Physics” is fascinating and beautiful. I’m currently reading “Helgoland” about the birt of Quantum Physics. You don’t have to understand the math to get what he’s saying (I sure don’t!).

      1. Pocket Mouse*

        A Brief History of Time by Stephen Hawking gave me the fact that blows my mind. If I can retell it accurately…

        ‘Spin’ is a property of particles having to do with how far it rotates before looking the same as it did where it started. So, for example, a perfect metallic cube would spin 1/4 of the way (90 degrees) before it looks the same. A blank sheet of printer paper spins 1/2 the way (180 degrees). A human would spin a full rotation (360 degrees). There are some particles that have to spin all the way around TWICE (720 degrees) before they look the same as they did at the start!

      2. David*

        Cool! I used to be a physicist, and it always bugged me that so many people’s exposure to physics comes from a few mega-famous people like Einstein and Hawking when there are so many other physicists like Rovelli whose insight and communication skills are underappreciated. (Though to be fair, there are still way more physicists who are really bad at communicating to the general public!)

        In case you or anyone is interested, a few others I liked: “The God Particle” by Leon Lederman, “Time Travel in Einstein’s Universe” by J. R. Gott, and “The Elegant Universe” by Brian Greene. I’ve also heard many good things about “The End of Everything” by Katie Mack although I haven’t gotten to read it yet.

    11. Velawciraptor*

      Gilgamesh may have been an actual guy (there’s a great series of episodes on the subject on the podcast Our Fake History).

    12. Squirrel Nutkin*

      A cool author who took a lot of deep dives into a whole bunch of niche areas is John McPhee.

      My fun fact: The Peace Corps was founded/announced by President Kennedy at the University of Michigan around 2AM because he was running very late that day.

    13. Nell*

      Richard III was put onto the throne by parliament, unlike what Shakespeare suggests. His play Richard III was based mostly on accounts of Richard III’s enemies.

    15. Generic Name*

      It is illegal, under the Migratory Bird Treaty Act, to even pick up a feather you find on the ground, unless you have a “take” license from USFWS. It’s also illegal to remove a bird nest on your house if there are eggs or nestlings in it.

    16. Buni*

      Any of Victoria Finlay’s 3 books to date: Colour, Jewels and Fabric. The Colour one is about where paint colours came from before artificial / chemical dyes, and it’s literally just a chapter per colour, e.g blue from Afghani lapis lazuli, red from lead or cochineal beetles. She travels to the place and finds out about the process.

      Jewels does the same thing: one chapter for diamonds, one for sapphires, one for the emeralds etc – where are the best mines, what’s the most famous example, how have fashions changed. I’ve not read the Fabric one yet but I suspect it will be the same – a chapter on eg wool, one on linen etc.

      She’s interesting and interested and chatty and funny and I recommend them all – even the one I’ve not read!

      1. Order of the Banana*

        I am…irrationally excited about the prospect of reading an in-depth book on fabric. I’m not very fashion-inclined so I can barely differentiate between common ones used in modern day. Added all three to my GoodReads!

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          You may like Natania Barron’s Thread Talks (on Twitter and her website too).

        2. Morgan*

          I recommend The Golden Thread by Kassia St. Clair if you want to read more about fabric :)

        3. Zelda*

          I have _The Fabric of Civilization_ by Virginia Postrel on my end table waiting for me to get off the internet and read it already.

    17. JKP*

      Everyone on board the Titanic could have been saved by a ship 10 miles away. The Californian watched the Titanic sink all night long: watched them stop (thought because of icebergs – the same reason they were stopped), watched the angle of the lights shift as the ship lifted in the air (thought the ship turned), saw the distress flairs (thought celebratory fireworks), saw the lights go out (ships sometimes turned out the lights to encourage guests to go to bed). The Californian’s telegraph operator signed off and went to bed <1 hour before Titanic's first SOS. All night the crew debated whether to wake him to find out what was going on with the other ship they were watching.

      Also, the Titanic was the first SOS sent in history. Before that, the standard was CQD (Call to Quarters Distress). The Titanic tried CQD first, then tried SOS to reach anyone they could.

      1. tangerineRose*

        The Titanic also didn’t have enough lifeboats, and they didn’t make good use of what they did have. There were a number of lifeboats that weren’t anywhere near full.

        1. JKP*

          People didn’t want to get in the lifeboats until it was almost too late, but they didn’t have enough time to delay sending the boats either. Crew were frantically cutting the ropes on the final lifeboat as the ship sank beneath them, hoping to free the last boat before it got dragged under with the rest of the ship.

          None of the ships of the time had enough lifeboats, because lifeboats were based on square footage, not passenger count. And no one was outraged about that at the time like we are now looking back at it. It was just a given that if the ship went down, you likely would go with it, like how we feel about plane crashes now.

      2. ecnaseener*

        For the more heartwarming flip side: the story of the ship that DID rescue the Titanic’s survivors, RMS Carpathia, is really amazing. That ship’s telegraph operator had signed off for the night too, but happened to leave the radio on while he got ready for bed, and got a message from shore saying they were having trouble reaching the Titanic. He decided to be nice and try to contact the Titanic before he went to bed, and that’s the only reason he heard their distress call.

        The Carpathia’s captain pushed the engines to their absolute limit to get there faster than should have been possible (way over its maximum speed). They got there in time to save hundreds of people who would otherwise have died.

        1. JKP*

          True, raced as fast as possible for over 8 hours through the same dangerous waters and risking the same fate for themselves. Carpathia was already picking up survivors by the time the Californian turned on their wireless in the morning. The subtext “F U” in Carpathia’s response telling the Californian their help would not be needed.

    18. Jamie Starr*

      I’ve read that book. I was on a color kick a couple years ago for some research I was doing on a paper. If you like it, you may also enjoy:

      Johannes Itten’s “The Elements of Color”
      David Kastan’s “On Color”
      or
      Simon Garfield’s “Mauve: How One Man Invented a Colour That Changed the World”

      The latter was really interesting to me, even if there was a lot of chemistry that I didn’t always fully understand.

      1. Order of the Banana*

        I’m definitely adding these to my TBR! The podcast episode mentioned the story about mauve so I’m eager to read the whole story.

    19. *daha**

      After the Philistines stole The Holy Ark, God struck them with hemorrhoids. They returned The Ark, along with five hemorrhoids of gold to show repentance.

    20. beentheredonethat*

      I am not a cool enough to be a nerd, but I am fascinated by odd information.
      Eats, Shoots & Leaves: The Zero Tolerance Approach to Punctuation – the title alone is enough to entertain me
      Spoonerism, sycophants, and sops
      words fascinate me invalid or invalid (heteronyms) – google is my friend
      Longitude the true story of a lone genius who solved the greatest scientific problem of his time
      Elisha Otis fascinates me (the whole safety cable thing)

      1. the cat's pajamas*

        Word by Word is an amazing book about dictionaries and language.

        Garbage! is an interesting book about the secret life of what we throw away. I picked it up on a whim at a museum gift shop several years ago. It’s also fun when someone asks you’re reading and you can legit say “Garbage!” The thing I remember the most is they took core samples from garbage dumps and used pop/beer can tabs to estimate dates since we used to have pull tabs etc.

    21. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Don’t use Portland cement to repoint historic brick. It can increase spalling, because it’s waterproof and bricks are not. Mortar is supposed to be softer than the bricks around it — Yes we’ll always have to repoint every five or 15 years depending on your weather period but that’s a heck of a lot cheaper than having your bricks split during a freeze cycle because the weather can’t get out through the mortar joins.

      1. Bluebell*

        Also- opossums don’t carry rabies. I was at an event one night and seated with the head of a zoo, and we started talking about possums. That was his fun fact.

        1. Princesss Sparklepony*

          I think they eat ticks too. So they are basically the good guys even though they look like big rats.

          Just learned the other day that they are not rodents but marsupials. Kangaroos are marsupials that people are familiar with.

      3. Zelda*

        When South America and North America joined about 3 million years ago (depending on who you ask), animals from each must have migrated into the other, but most of the successes were northern critters moving south. There are, AIUI, practically no native predators left at all in the south. Possums are among a mere handful of southerners that went north and thrived. So that’s why they’re the only marsupials– because they’re only ‘native’ if you don’t look back more than a mere paltry 3 million years.

    23. allathian*

      1 out of 200 men alive today can claim that they’re a direct patrilineal descendant of Ghengis Khan, traceable through the Y-chromosome. There’s a historical genetics paper published in 2003.

      He’s reputed to have sired more than 2,000 children in his lifetime, and assuming half of those were boys, there were plenty of second generation descendants to pass on his genes, even if a fairly small percentage survived to adulthood.

      Why so many kids? A quote attributed to Ghengis Khan may shed some light on his reasoning:
      “The greatest joy for a man is to defeat his enemies, to drive them before him, to take from them all they possess, to see those they love in tears, to ride their horses, and to hold their wives and daughters in his arms.”

    24. Mother Trucker*

      Try the ‘Stuff You Should Know’ podcast. Every episode is a different random topic that will give enough information to determine if you want to dive into it.

  3. weekly book rec*

    No book recommendation today? I come here for them every weekend because I like most of what she suggests. Help me, someone else please give me an Alison-type recommendation!

    1. Order of the Banana*

      May I recommend:

      Love in Colour: Mythical Tales from Around the World, Retold by Bolu Babalola – an anthology of love stories based on mythology and POC history/culture

      Gods of Jade and Shadow by Silvia Moreno-Garcia – The protagonist Casiopea accidentally unlocks the Mayan god of death and goes on a journey to help restore him to his former self. One of my favourite reads from last year.

      Exhalation by Ted Chiang – an anthology of sci-fi stories, all beautifully told. This was a good intro to SF imo and very beginner friendly.

      She Who Becomes the Sun by Shelley Parker-Chan – Not quite like Alison’s recommendation, but if you’re into Chinese Historical Fiction, I loooooved this one.

      The Tumbling Turner Sisters by Juliette Faye – a set of sisters turn to vaudeville in order to make ends meet.

      Also I don’t always keep up with Alison’s recs, so if there’s a bunch of overlap, please look away and allow me to keep my dignity.

        1. Buni*

          Thirding Gods of Jade & Shadow, and if you liked that (I did!) then I highly recommend ‘A Master of Djinn’ by P. Djeli Clark – queer woman police detective in 1930s Cairo trying to solve murders in a sharp suit & fedora while dealing with angry djinn who hate the police, angry djinn who work for the police, a bunch of interfering angels and even more interfering Aunties.

            1. Buni*

              oo ta! I knew this was out there but hadn’t got round to searching for it yet. He wrote this first just as a tester but based on the reaction went on to write a full-length novel after (and I misremembered: it’s 1912 Cairo).

    2. AcademiaNut*

      The Goblin Emperor by Katherine Addison is currently a Kindle deal of the week, as are T. Kingfisher’s Paladin’s Grace and Swordheart (all $3 US plus tax). All three are excellent reads, with character focussed writing and a generally hopeful tone. Kingfisher’s are also quite funny, combining straight up romance with things like vindictive cultists, severed heads and morose paladins.

      I recently read Arkady Martine’s A Memory Called Empire and A Desolation Called Peace, which were also excellent.

      1. Pinkbasil*

        Thank you! Goblin Emperor is one of my favorite books and I’m going to note all of these suggestions.

        1. Lady Alys*

          There is a “Goblin Emperor” sequel-ish book out, “The Witness for the Dead,” that is equally fabulous.

    3. Ask a Manager* Post author

      Sorry! It has been a roller coaster of a week and I have done no reading, just a lot of collapsing at the end of the day. The book recs are on others today :)
      (And if anyone can give me Alison-type recommendations, I will gladly take them!)

      1. Princess Deviant*

        Have you read The Manningtree Witches by AK Blakemore about the witch trials in Pendleton, Lancashire? It’s written by a poet, the language is very beautiful. I find it sad though.

      2. Pinkbasil*

        I think you’d like Kelsey McKinney’s God Save the Girls. Great story about growing up in an evangelical home in Texas.

      3. AGD*

        Might be long since discovered…but if not, I bet you’d like Nancy Clark. The Hills at Home is a big, rollicking story of the New England woman who looks after the ancestral farmhouse alone…until far too many relatives all descend on the property at once in need of a place to stay.

        1. AGD*

          Oh, and speaking of New England family sagas, Anita Diamant’s The Boston Girl. Warm, lively, fascinating portrait of a spirited woman born in 1900 to a Jewish immigrant family. I loved the characters, and the vividly described locations.

      4. Bibliovore*

        The Sentence by Louise Erdrich. Set in the Birchbark Bookstore, (Erdrich’s actual store) perfectly captures the life of the bookseller.

      5. Come On Eileen*

        Alison, if you haven’t already read Project Hail Mary, it’s gotta be next on your list! Its the most clever, engaging book I’ve read in a long time and I think it would be up your alley. If someone told me before I read it how much i’d love a book about space travel and alien life form and a dude trying to save earth by going to a star far far away, I’d have told them they were crazy. And I would have been wrong because it was just delightful.

        1. Cruciatus*

          And may I add that you need to do the audiobook version of it. I think of Rocky and his voice often still. I loved this book! I wasn’t sure I would, but the author makes you feel like you understand the science, but it’s also just such good character writing. Good good good!

          1. allathian*

            I haven’t read Project Hail Mary yet, but I really liked The Martian by the same author (Andy Weir). The movie starring Matt Damon was pretty faithful to the book. It’s a great story about a man using his wits to stay alive on a hostile world when everyone else’s given him up for dead, and a nail-biting rescue mission when they realize that he’s still alive.

    4. Kiwiapple*

      I just finished Danya Kukafka’s “Notes on an Execution: a novel” and thought it excellent.

    5. Still*

      Thank you to whoever recommended The Watchmaker of a Filigree Street and The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo – the latter of which I’ve read in one sitting, it was hard to put down!

      1. Love to WFH*

        “The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo” is so good!

        My book group discussed it for a really long time, too. Some books get 15 minutes of comments — this got over an hour.

    6. A.N. O'Nyme*

      So I don’t know how Alison-type this is, but I’m going to plug I Want To Eat Your Pancreas. It exists both as a light novel and as a manga (fun fact: the cover for those is the same scene but drawn from a different angle), and it’s about a loner who accidentally discovers his very popular classmate is has a failing pancreas and has about a year to live – and he’s the only person outside of her family to know about this.
      I cried. A lot. And I really should have seen that plot twist coming and I’m kind of angry that I didn’t.

      1. A.N. O'Nyme*

        By the way I just realised what that title must look like and I’ll just say that no, there are no zombie shenanigans and no actual pancreas is eaten. I can’t say too much more without giving spoilers.

      2. GoryDetails*

        Re “I Want to Eat Your Pancreas”: I was tickled to see this one mentioned here! I read the manga some time back and enjoyed it – though the title is definitely… unusual. (I originally chose it because I was participating in a “books with body-parts in the title” challenge for BookCrossing, and hadn’t stumbled across a book with “pancreas” in the title before!)

        1. A.N. O'Nyme*

          I will admit the title piqued my curiosity too and I kinda bought it just off of that. Also the title autofilled on the website I got it from which is…an interesting fact.

    7. AY*

      Looking back at Alison’s recommendations, I think Detransition, Baby is in that vein. A trans couple breaks up, one of them detransitions and then gets someone else pregnant. It’s really funny, observant, often warm, often upsetting, and even sometimes sexy. It’s great.

      The Booker Prize winner this year is also worth checking out. It’s about a white family in South Africa and the end of apartheid. The family sort of stands in for all of white South Africa and its attitudes towards black South Africa. The novel does really interesting things with narrative voice. It’s called The Promise by Damon Galgut.

      1. Crepe Suzette*

        Not the OP of this thread, but thank you for your recommendations! They sound right up my alley.

    8. PhyllisB*

      I was going to ask the same question!! I don’t always care for the types of books recommended, but I still like to see what’s mentioned.

      1. PhyllisB*

        I did read The Maid recently, (one of Alison’s recommendations) though. Very good, and different.

    9. GoryDetails*

      Some of my recent reads (or re-reads) that I’d recommend:

      REBECCA by Daphne du Maurier – a classic and an old favorite, one that has some unsettling relationship aspects that read a lot differently to me now than they did when I first read it in the 1960s. (I also love THE HOUSE ON THE STRAND, a lesser-known title of du Maurier’s, one involving an odd sort of time-travel – quite fascinating, and with similar slow-burning suspense.)

      THE SILENT TRAVELLER IN DUBLIN by Chiang Yee, another in the marvelous 1930s-to-50s travel memoirs by the Chinese poet, artist, and guy-with-lots-of-influential-friends. Whether he’s talking about attempting to befriend the skittish cats of the folks he’s staying with (an Earl and a Countess – I told you he’s connected) or ringing up a friend with ties to the Bodleian for background info on the Book of Kells, he’s great fun to travel with. (Some of his books have been reprinted and are thus easier to find; this one has not been reissued yet, but I found a copy via an online seller.)

      AGAINST THE ICE by Einar Mikkelsen is the first-person account of Mikkelsen’s arduous 1909 trek across northeastern Greenland in the company of one other man – a young mechanic who’d volunteered all too naively, but who turned out to be something of a Samwise Gamgee, ever cheerful, loyal, and inventive. (There are a couple of darker scenes when the two were at their most desperate, but they got through that and remained friends throughout their lives.) There’s a 2022 film adaptation of the story on Netflix now, quite well done, but I do recommend the book; Mikkelsen has this dry, droll narrative style that I really enjoyed.

      2. fposte*

        Oh, this sounds right up my alley! I’m over the moon about the discovery of Shackleton’s sunken Endurance.

        1. GoryDetails*

          Re Shackleton – I’ve read some excellent books on that as well, including:

          SOUTH, Shackleton’s own account of his polar expeditions

          SHACKLETON’S STOWAWAY by Victoria McKernan, about the young Welsh stowaway on the Endurance

          THE LOST MEN by Kelly Tyler-Lewis, the account of the other ship in that expedition, tasked with setting out caches on the opposite side of Antarctica; they had no way of knowing what became of the Endurance, or that their mission was no longer necessary, and plugged along, with dangerous situations of their own to deal with – and a less triumphant outcome.

        2. Lemonwhirl*

          Not a book rec, but if you ever able to see Aiden Dooley’s one-man show “Tom Crean”, do it! It’s an amazing show – a great story, well-told. At points, I felt cold during the show because Dooley does so well to put you in the Antarctic with the Endurance crew. I loved it so much, I went again with my son when he was 6 and even though it was an evening performance that ran past his bedtime, he was positively spellbound by it.
          (If you google Aiden Dooley Tom Crean Show, you’ll find the web site. I don’t want to drop a link and possibly get tied up in moderation. :))

          1. fposte*

            Oh, man, that’s not one I’ve heard of. Tom Crean is a wild figure with both Scott and Shackleton legends to his credit.

          2. GoryDetails*

            Re Aiden Dooley – thanks so much for that! Tom Crean was indeed one of the most staunch members of several expeditions, and deserves to be better known. (There is a sweet children’s book called “Tom Crean’s Rabbit”, about one of the animals he cared for during Scott’s last voyage; add “animal lover” to Tom’s list of sterling qualities!)

        3. Jamie Starr*

          Madhouse at the End of the Earth (Julian Sancton) might be of interest to you. It’s about the Belgica’s ill-fated trip to Antarctica. Roald Amundsen was one of the crew. The captain (?) of the Belgica later had the Endurance built, which Shackleton bought.

          2. fposte*

            Ooh, another I didn’t know about. Most of what I know about the Belgica is on the tabloid side, but on the other hand with a title like that maybe I’m already on the right track.

      3. Squirrel Nutkin*

        Oh yeah, definitely *Rebecca*!

        To go with the interesting fact thread above, if you think that you’re seeing a lot of queer and trans imagery in the book, even beyond Mrs. Danvers, you are 100% right! Author Daphne DuMaurier and one sister were bi, while their other sister was a lesbian. Earlier in life, DuMaurier also identified as a schoolboy and today might very likely have identified as genderfluid.

        1. Squirrel Nutkin*

          Nesting fail — this was supposed to reply to GoryDetails!

          Also, there is a lambda-award-winning 1990s lesbian re-envisioning of *Rebecca* called *Divine Victim*, by Mary Wings. Major content warnings for domestic violence and assault, and I wouldn’t call it a comfortable read, but it’s really interesting and has a devastating plot twist that is worth it.

          1. GoryDetails*

            Re Divine Victim – hadn’t encountered that one, thanks for that! Yes, the LGBTQ vibes often crop up in du Maurier; House on the Strand has an openly gay character, though a secondary one.

      4. the cat's ass*

        OOOO, these are all great recs! I had the distinct pleasure of recommending Rebecca just last week to one of my almost-adult girl scouts in need to reading for spring break. My dear cousin Cathy recommended it to me when i was a little younger and bored at Thanksgiving.

        I’m also rereading everything by Dennis Lehane who wrote “Mystic River” and “Gone Baby Gone.” Just finished “The Drop” which was a tight snappy little novella of mayhem, Chenchens, Irish Bars and a very cute puppy (don’t worry, the puppy is ok). What happened to Dennis Lehane, anyway?

      5. Crackerjack*

        The House on the Strand is my favourite duMaurier! I’m Cornish and still live here so there’s the added dimension of knowing the terrain – which I think comes out really strongly in The House on the Strand.

    10. Love to WFH*

      I loved Kate Quinn’s “The Alice Network”. It weaves back and forth between a young woman in France spying for the British during WWI, and a young American woman looking for her French cousin after WWII.

      Wonderful characters, suspense, intense relationships — I couldn’t put it down.

    11. Kiwiapple*

      I also just finished the Great Circle by Maggie Shipstead. The novel consists of two parallel narratives about two fictional women. One is about the disappeared 20th-century aviator Marian Graves, while the other is about the struggling 21st-century Hollywood actress Hadley Baxter, who is attempting to make a film about Marian.

    12. Smol Book Wizard*

      I’m not entirely sure how Alison-esque this is, but since someone mentioned The Goblin Emperor up above… The Angel of the Crows, also by Katherine Addison, is a sweet and vivid Victorian fantasy Sherlock Holmes pastiche/reinvention that I just finished this week. I am a very hard sell on Victorian angels-and-werewolves kind of paranormal, but Addison does it just right (and differently from anyone else I’ve breezed past in the past). I kind of definitely want a sequel.

      If I’d known beforehand that it also had the Jack the Ripper murders as one of the mysteries I… might not have read it but I’m glad I did anyway? Which considering my dislike of serial killers as narrative devices is considerable. It’s interesting that we all think of Addison as the hopepunk writer considering how understatedly gruesome 2/3 of her books under that pseudonym are. Not that hopepunk and gruesomeness are mutually exclusive, but after this and the creepy creepy ghoul hunts in Witness for the Dead I had to say it!

    13. ElsieD*

      Have to thank OtterB from last week’s thread concerning YA fantasy novels- I followed the mention of Chaz Brenchley and now have years of his writing to enjoy!

  4. WoodswomanWrites*

    Birding thread. What birds have you been seeing and what are they up to?

    I was laid up recovering from hernia surgery and haven’t been getting out much so I’m looking forward to reading your observations instead. It’s been a couple weeks and I’m more out and about now, so I’ll see what I discover and can hopefully add something to this thread myself over the weekend.

    1. LMK*

      I’m not a huge fan of magpies, mainly because of their loud squawking, but there’s a pair of them that have been building a nest about five feet from my balcony this past week. It’s fun to watch that. I also read something today about researchers attaching collars to some magpies to track their movements. They watched as the magpies helped each other remove every one of the collars. So I’ve got to give them credit for that!

    2. Tau*

      I’m visiting my parents and it’s been the usual suspects at their birdfeeder – mainly Central-European tits (whyyy are they called that in English), blackbirds and finches (including my favourite, the European goldfinch). Redpolls and siskins now, too, which I’m still learning to tell apart from the linnet and serin respectively. A few Eurasian jays are now common visitors (so striking!) as well as Eurasian nuthatches, who I always find funny with how they want to eat upside-down. I haven’t seen any bramblings in the last few days, so they may have finally taken off to their summer home – we usually only get them in winter here, and some of them have been molting to their (more striking!) breeding season colours, so there was a clear end in sight. We’ve been getting more and more birdsong in general, so clear sign breeding season is starting and a good opportunity to practice my identification skills.

      I need to get out more once I head back home; there’s some woody bits not far from my flat which have more variety, but at my place it’s just sparrows as far as the eye can see.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        In Old English, ‘tit’ was something small. That amuses the hell out of me because of the weirdness you get through a few interim names …going from titmouse to great tit! A big little thing.

        1. Tau*

          Aha, that explains it! Even if it still sounds ridiculous. Especially the great tit. In German the word is Meise (pronounced MY-zuh) which sounds pretty and cute and not sexual at all, so the English names were a bit of a trip!

          1. Crackerjack*

            And just out of curiosity, how would you say ‘tit’ in its other sense in German?

            1. Seeking Second Childhood*

              I can’t answer the German comma but the French is teton… which may raise eyebrows with Americans. Apparently French trappers named the mountain range the Grand Tetons.

    3. Chauncy Gardener*

      We’ve had much activity in our yard this week. We saw one bluebird, which was very exciting. We’ve had a great blue heron at our pond every day, catching and eating fish. LOTS of chickadees, robins and tufted titmice swirling around. We put up three more gourd birdhouses yesterday and I ordered three more. I think the birds are having a real estate crunch too! Last year we had a very fierce looking hawk nesting in one of our large evergreen trees. I think it was a goshawk, but they’re so darn fast it’s tough to get a good read. But I hope they’re back this year!

      I hope you’re healing well! Can’t wait to hear what you see!

    4. Hotdog not dog*

      Bluebirds EVERYWHERE! We live adjacent to a wildlife preserve so I see them all the time but it seems like there are more than usual lately. Also turkeys, robins, finches, woodpeckers, and the Coopers hawk, who had better leave my bluebirds alone! (He can have the voles which are tearing up the lawn instead.)

    5. A.N. O'Nyme*

      One of our neighbours got rid of a tree (probably too damaged by the storms a few weeks ago) and there’s this one magpie who is having a field day with the leftovers. Wherever it’s building a nest, he picks up branches so big he has to take a few rest stops here and there.

      There’s also a robin who is getting a lot of attention from our cats, but so far it has outsmarted them.

    6. GoryDetails*

      Had a red-winged blackbird at my suet feeder, a first for me; I usually see them clinging to the cattails in the wetlands. Was lovely to get a nice long look at this one!

    7. Cat and dog fosterer*

      I discovered that we have falcons in the area, because a bird of prey landed on a pole near me! I don’t know which type (peregrine, merlin, or possibly coopers hawk) but it was neat to see and I hope for more sightings.

    8. Gurpy*

      I just discovered that the pair of “mourning doves” in my backyard are in fact Eurasian collared doves, so that’s exciting.

        1. Kay*

          There were a few Eurasian collards here in Arizona. They aren’t as common as the mourning or white wing, but still usually always have a few around.

    9. 2QS*

      House finches! The males look like they’ve done a face plant into red paint that isn’t fully dry.

    10. mdv*

      I live next to a wooded area in the middle of my town, and I have been keeping bird feeders here for the past 11 years. Regular visitors include 4 kinds of woodpeckers (downy, hairy, red-bellied, northern flicker), finches, cardinals, bluejays, sparrows, etc. When I have windows open in the late evening, I often hear owls.

      Birds I have only seen once over the years: yellow-bellied sapsucker (woodpecker), painted bunting, and a prairie falcon

      But recently, I had two visitors RIGHT behind my house that were new: a barn owl slept for an hour in a branch I could clearly see, ignoring harassment from some bluejays, and a few days later, I saw a pileated woodpecker – common in NE Kansas, but not usually seen because they don’t like to be near people. It was very exciting!

    11. loislolane*

      I have noticed out my kitchen window the birds seem to like the bush there. So I’ve started pouring a little birdseed on the fence until I can buy myself a proper feeder. I’ve been pretty jazzed to see a cardinal couple, some chickadees, some juncos, and a squirrel with a blonde tail. Nothing wild but nice to have after being in a condo for a few years!

    12. Seeking Second Childhood*

      The Bluebirds have not come back to the bird box I mounted, which might be because there’s a pair of hawks seems to be taking up residence. The crows are not happy.
      A pair of house finches have been checking out the area under the eaves, right outside my home office. I’m thinking of mounting a,little shelf to entice them. Or a box…

    13. Here for the Randomness*

      Red-winged Blackbirds arrived a week or 2 ago. Common Grackles arrived in big numbers last weekend. We are just starting to get some sparrow variety.

    14. Smol Book Wizard*

      The Great Blue Herons are nesting in the big heronry at a nearby park, and here and there in individual nests in other parks for the introverts. It’s so fun to watch them fly. They’re so blobby when they sit, pull in their necks and all, and so LONG in the air.

    15. Birder57*

      Saw a hummingbird flitting around an odd location in my backyard yesterday. Realized he /she was gathering spider web strands to build a nest.

    16. Tea and Cake*

      Our slew of Anna’s hummingbirds are fighting with two very territorial and feisty newcomers – Rufous hummingbirds. It is all very entertaining to watch, but I have been admonishing them all because I’m of the mind that they all need to learn how to share better.

    17. Gnome*

      We have a pair of cardinals that have been around a lot lately. I put out my feeder but a squirrel keeps getting in it (suction cupped to the window a good six feet off the ground)

    18. tangerineRose*

      I used to see a variety of birds, but now I mostly see the Juncos. They’re very cute, but I don’t know why, for example the scub jays don’t show up anymore.

    19. WoodswomanWrites*

      I didn’t have a birding outing myself, but today my new spotting scope arrived. I’ve been wanting one for many years but hesitated because they were mostly expensive and heavy. I’m super excited to try out my Nikon Fieldscope ED50 13-30×50 that weighs only a pound. It will fit on the lightweight camera tripod I already have, and I can keep it in my daypack and see if it works just in my hand. I also ordered a window thingie so I can mount it on my car window for next winter’s waterbird season.

    1. Nicole76*

      For the longest time I didn’t think we had hummingbirds in our area (west of Chicago), but I put out a feeder last year and we had them all day every day. I loved sitting on the patio watching them! I’m looking forward to their return later next month.

      Where are you located?

    2. Wishing You Well*

      Yay, good job!
      My Midwest mother had to put up more than one hummingbird feeder because a male hummer would fight others over one and not allow other hummers near it!

  6. Blue*

    I’ve become interested in books about scientific or medical fraud, unethical practices, etc.

    *Bad Blood by John Carreyrou, about Elizabeth Holmes and Theranos
    *The Doctor Who Fooled the World by Brian Deer, about Andrew Wakefield and his lies linking MMR to autism
    *Empire of Pain by Patrick Radden Keefe, about the Sackler family and how they pushed OxyContin while knowing of its dangers for years

    These are some of my recent reads, all by journalists who helped uncover these lies. Another title on my to-read list is Dangerous Medicine by Sydney Halpern, about how scientists gave vulnerable people (prison inmates, those with disabilities, etc.) hepatitis to study to effects of the disease. I’m looking for recommendations for similar books, especially those covering less recent history.

    1. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      Five Days at Memorial by Sherri Fink – about a hospital that euthanized patients in New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina

      1. Blue*

        I remember listening to a podcast episode that covered the deaths at Memorial. It was very chilling.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      The Cadaver King and the Country Dentist, by Radley Balko and Tucker Carrington. “A shocking and deeply reported account of the persistent plague of institutional racism and junk forensic science in our criminal justice system, and its devastating effect on innocent lives.” I think it’s been one of Alison’s recs previously, maybe?

    4. HQB*

      “The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks” by Rebecca Skloor, is about unethical (but at the time standard) medical treatment of a young black woman whose harvested cells became an important cell line for medical research.
      “Autism’s False Prophets: Bad Science, Risky Medicine, and the Search for a Cure ” by Paul Offit also covers Wakefield and associated topics
      “The Genius Factory: The Curious History of the Nobel Prize Sperm Bank” by David Plotz, is about a sperm bank in the 80s and the children it produced.

      1. Blue*

        Hah, just finished a different book by Paul Offit (Pandora’s Lab, about science, or rather the lack of it, going wrong) and it was pretty good. Will have to check out Autism’s False Prophets.

    5. The Cosmic Avenger*

      Ooooh, thanks for this thread, I’m going to add these to my list! I loved Bad Blood, and while these are not exactly what you’re asking for, The Panic Virus by Seth Mnookin talks a lot about Wakefield and the US military’s unethical medical experimentation on service members, all to explore how the anti-vax movement got where it is today. Also, Doctors by Sherwin B. Nuland is a great “biography of medicine”, as it’s subtitled, and talks a lot about the history of medicine in general, although it’s not focused on malpractice or abuse.

    6. Janet*

      I don’t have a specific book recommendation, but the Maintenance Phase podcast sounds right up your alley. The show notes for each episode include references–I’d check those out for book suggestions!

    7. Brave Little Roaster*

      The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks sounds like it would fit that category

    8. GoryDetails*

      STARVATION HEIGHTS by Gregg Olsen, about Linda Hazzard, who ran a long-term scam in which extreme fasting (among other things) supposedly cured all ills. She set up her own sanitarium in Washington state in the early 1900s, and managed to persuade quite a few people to pay through the nose to spend time there. Many of her clients died, though in the end she was only charged in the death of one, for which she did prison time. Really ghastly story, very effectively told. Oh, and Caitlin “Ask a Mortician” Doughty did a YouTube episode on the story, including on-site conversations with the author of the book; you can see that episode here: https://youtu.be/nltUJIPLvfo

    9. Techie*

      Dispensing With the Truth by Alicia Mundy – all about the drug companies’ push for the Fen-Phen diet drug. Also, if you have an interest in expanding at all beyond medicine into engineering, I’m reading Flying Blind right now (about Boeing and the 737 Max)

    10. anon24*

      Not quite completely about medical ethics , but Dreamland by Sam Quinones talks about the opioid epidemic in America and what caused it and how the pharmaceutical companies played into it. I read it a few years back and thought it a very sad and interesting read.

    11. Mimmy*

      Ooh I love this stuff too. I will definitely be saving these recommendations for this summer (when I’ll hopefully have less on my plate).

    12. Emma2*

      It is not a book but the CBC podcast Brainwashed might fit what your are looking for. I have borrowed the summary from the show’s website: “Brainwashed is an investigative series into the CIA’s covert experiments in mind control – from the Cold War and MKULTRA to the so-called War on Terror. Listen to the voices of the survivors and their families, the conscientious objectors and the lawyers and journalists who have fought to have this story come to light. Go into the hospital rooms where psychiatric patients became unwitting guinea pigs for such so-called treatments given Orwellian names like psychic driving and de-patterning. We look at what happens in times of fear, when the military and medicine collide and how without accountability, a torturous cycle continues”

    13. Tea and Symathy*

      I agree with The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks recommendation.

      I would also recommend Crisis in the Red Zone by Richard Preston. It’s about the 2014 Ebola outbreak. It’s not about unethical practices, but there are a couple of ethical decisions made – my friend sent me a copy of this book and insisted I read it, because she wanted to discuss these.

    14. the cat's ass*

      “And the Band Played On” by Randy Shilts (HIV)
      “Flu” by Gina Kolata (1918 flu epidemic)
      “Empire of Pain” by Patrick Keefe (opioid epidemic)

      1. Coenobita*

        I was coming here to recommend And The Band Played On! That’s the book that convinced/inspired me to go into public health.

    15. Pocket Mouse*

      Medical Apartheid, by Harriet A. Washington, about racism in the medical field’s past and present. Sounds like a must-read for you!

      Deadly Spin, be Wendell Potter. More about health systems and insurance practices, but pretty relevant and captivating.

      A Question of Intent, by David A. Kessler. Details history of research (and manipulation thereof) into the health effects of smoking.

    16. Marion Ravenwood*

      It’s slightly removed from what you’ve listed but I’d have a look at The Radium Girls, which is basically about how women working in factories using radium to paint things like watch faces ended up getting poisoned from it and their fight for fair compensation.

    17. FACS*

      You might want to look at How Doctors Think by Jerome Groopman. Great insights about our decision making, good or bad.

    18. Jean (just Jean)*

      Not a book but a route to books and other information: search tuskegee experiment book. (I searched on Google.) The Tuskeegee Experiment was perpetrated by the CDC aka Center for Disease Control and Prevention (U.S. government agency) to study the effects of untreated syphilis. The African American men involved were neither informed, asked to consent, nor treated. Nothing good about it. Wikipedia has an article on it.

      You might also search the archives of the Reveal radio show and podcast (https [colon slash slash] revealnews [dot] org [slash] ). They uncover a lot of injustice; they’ve probably tackled medical injustice/deception.

    19. Book Rec*

      Birth Rights and Wrongs: How Medicine and Technology are Remaking Reproduction and the Law by Dov Fox. I came across this author via their podcast called Donor 9623. Basically, there’s a whole lot that’s unregulated concerning assisted reproduction and it’s a bit of the wild west when it comes to holding the medical entities involved accountable.

    20. A Feast of Fools*

      It’s been a while since I read it but I remember loving “Dead Men Do Tell Tales” by Browning and Maples.

    22. Princess Xena*

      The Deadly Dinner Party? It’s a little out of what you suggested in that it’s not directly related to medical ethics, but it’s twelve cases of mysterious illnesses and touches on medical and social ethics and investigations (typhoid Mary and the adulterated Tylenol are both in there).

    23. I take tea*

      If you are interested in medical fraud you should read about Karolinska sjukhuset in Stockholm and Paolo Macchiarini. It’s a really sad story about prestige and covering up. They made a documentary about it, don’t know if there are any books, but a lot of articles at least.

    24. J.B.*

      I’d recommend neurotribes by Steve Silberman. It’s a fascinating dive into the history of autism and he covers Wakefield in some detail, plus I really question Kanner’s ethics. There’s no way he didn’t know about Asperger’s work. Igor Lovaas and the history of ABA is also ugly.

    25. J.B.*

      For medical history and perspective on going from miasma theory to germ theory, I recommend The Ghost Map. I’m not finding books but for sheer infuriation over history read about Ignaz Semmelweis.

    26. Damien "#1 Son of Hell" LaVey*

      *Bottle of Lies: The Inside Story of the Generic Drug Boom by Katherine Eban
      *Mad in America: Bad Science, Bad Medicine, and the Enduring Mistreatment of the Mentally Ill by Robert Whitaker

      1. Ali + Nino*

        Re: mental health, I recommend Susannah Cahalan’s two books: The Great pretender, about a well-known experiment in mental institutions that turned out to have a much sketchier history than previously thought, and her memoir Brain On Fire about her close call of a brain infection going unnoticed.

        1. Mimmy*

          I read Brain On Fire – holy smokes that is a harrowing story! This is why I think it’s important to consider medical causes of psychiatric changes first. In fact, I remember hearing this recommendation when I was studying for my social work license years ago.

    28. A Feast of Fools*

      “Sex Matters” by Dr Alyson McGregor. It’s about how the medical world is failing women because all of our medical knowledge is built on studying men.

  7. Laura H.*

    Little Joys Thread

    What brought you joy this week?

    I think my joy will come later today in the form of great music, nice food as we are remembering a departed friend.

    Please share your joys big or small.

    1. Put the Blame on Edamame*

      My mum got a new cat and she keeps sharing pics of him on WhatsApp (which she just started using) and it’s so delightful.

      There are blooming bulbs in the London parks.

      I got a very sweet thank you from some new starters I’ve been helping train.

      I finally cleared up That Corner of my room and got rid of some abandoned craft projects that were haunting me.

      Watched the lovely Korean movie Miracle: Letters to the President.

    2. UKDancer*

      This week I had my spare room decorated and it brings me great joy that the work on this is now done and it looks so good with a fresh coat of paint. I’ve now got a lovely weekend of putting things back and organising things in the room and putting fresh linen on the spare room bed.

      Also the sun is out for the first weekend in ages so I can deal properly with the pots on my balcony.

    3. Chauncy Gardener*

      I finished painting the hardware for the nightstands I was painting. Today I’m putting them back together and putting them back in the bedroom. They look WONDERFUL and I’m so excited! It’s a very nice upgrade for the bedroom and didn’t take too long and wasn’t difficult at all.

    4. Hotdog not dog*

      We had an unseasonably warm day yesterday, and it felt so good sit outside and feel the sun on my face!

    5. Laura Petrie*

      It’s been sunny and warm the past couple of days. Yesterday, I had a lovely stroll along the canal to a new bakery that just opened. The brownie and blondie I bought were delicious and the owner said she’s been selling out really quickly.

      I always feel more cheerful once spring arrives and it has been lovely enjoying the weather and listening to birds

      My super shy rescue rats just clambered all over me when I went to feed the gang earlier today. The others are always really excited to see me, but it is the first time these girls have joined in. It makes me so happy to see their progress.

      1. KristinaL*

        I love it when shy cats get comfy with people. One of my kitties was very shy when I met him. I hung out with him for a while, and he decided that I was safe. Now he meows at me to tell me when he wants attention. He is still pretty shy with most people though.

    6. KeinName*

      I got a fine in the mail for protesting a right-wing march and after telling my friends I can now send it to someone in our city government so they can have a lawyer look at it! I‘m immensely enjoying our local government currently, they‘re feminist and supportive and kind!

    7. Falling Diphthong*

      Friday I whacked a bunch of work moles and none of them re-emerged with seven heads demanding more effort.

      Previously I was having a tiring and stressful work week, and remembering to put some attention on small things going right really helped: I appreciate this thread.

      “2022 might not totally suck” is the theme I’m going for this year, and noticing small things that go right is part of that.

    8. Elizabeth West*

      I usually don’t have anything, but I started watching Zelenskyy’s TV show, “Servant of the People.” The first season is on Netflix. The entire show is on YouTube, but the subtitles cut out now and then. Someone helpfully pointed out in comments on Episode 4 that if you turn them on in Russian and then auto-generate to English, they come back. It’s not too hard to get the gist even though the translations are iffy. And thanks to Andrea Chalupa (writer of the Mr. Jones film, about the reporter who broke the story of the Holodomor), who has discussed Ukraine in-depth on the “Gaslit Nation” podcast, I know enough to get most of the political jokes.

      The show is funny and Zelenskyy is adorable in it. It’s weird to watch after getting to know him as a heroic president, though. But it’s been a little bright spot in a really terrible week.

    9. Jay*

      It’s been warm enough to hang out on our screened porch. I’m sitting here now. The birds are singing and I can see the snowdrops and the ridiculously amusing chicken sculpture in our garden.

    10. AGD*

      Some nice weather, some sewing, several bits of friendship-related excellentness, several bits of good news from Not-on-the-Weekend-Place, including two of my mentees being offered promotions. Some early flowers in these parts (snowdrops!).

      Also managed to grab a ticket to see Weird Al on tour this summer before all of the shows in my province sold out (according to the website, the tour is lasting from April 26 through October 29 – the man must have utterly superhuman energy levels).

      1. KristinaL*

        Weird Al is great! I’ve always wanted to see him in concert. That is so cool that you get to!

        1. AGD*

          I passed up a chance to catch a concert of his in a different city about 15 years ago and then regretted this. Fortunately he’s still very much at it!

    11. Margaretmary*

      Not entirely this week, but I finally got around to booking it. I won’t mention specifics as it could give an idea of my location, but a play I really wanted to see was to come to a theatre near where I work two years ago. Then the world shut down and it was cancelled. It has finally been rescheduled for the week of my birthday!! And it is showing at 2:30 on my birthday and…I finish work at 1:05 on that day. I had some problems with booking as the website was having issues, but it’s done now.

      Also on a work related note, my immediate supervisor told me that he told our boss how much work I’ve done and that I am really necessary to the organisation.

    12. GoryDetails*

      Back in 2019 my local Humane Society – from which I’d adopted three cats over a couple of decades – posted a fund-raiser involving commemorative bricks to be placed in the walkway in front of the building. I decided to order one for those three cats, who’d each passed on at a respectable age. I knew at the time that the bricks would be produced in batches based on how many were bought, so I waited patiently for any announcement of installations – and then COVID put lots of things on hold, and time passed. And passed. And passed… A new commemorative-brick post reminded me that I hadn’t checked in for a while, and as the Humane Society had also installed a brand-new Little Free Library that I simply had to drop some books at I paid a visit – and lo! I found my brick, in memory of Phillip, Coriander, and Trooper…

    13. wingmaster*

      Seeing my family since Christmas and enjoyed some live music yesterday – a Rage Against the Machine cover band was playing, and they were awesome.

    14. StellaBella*

      Lots of joys this week but the biggest two are that today I celebrated 2 years since my last chemo (for breast cancer)….I met with a friend, we ate at a Mexican restaurant on the sunny patio, and chatted a lot. The other one is that my contract is being renewed at work so this is good news for security of a job!

    15. PerplexedPigeon*

      I spent a few days with my mom buying baby clothes because I am (very early) pregnant for the first time! It was fun to spend time with her and bond over the pregnancy. I’m also late-30s, so I’m sure she was wondering if it was ever ging to happen, but thanks to medical science, here we are!

      3. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Congratulations on your upcoming addition!
        (Do you prefer squab or squeaker? Internet says both words are used for pigeon babies.)

    16. Squirrel Nutkin*

      Got my first shingles shot and got myself a nice ottoman so that I can put my feet up.

      1. tangerineRose*

        Good for you! I’ve heard horrible things about shingles. I’ve had the shots, too.

    17. the cat's ass*

      A rough week is over, and in its place…peace.

      I’m going to start some tomato seeds, sent by a dear friend in Munich

      My 2 younger cats are FINALLY, after almost a full year, getting along.

      I’m a week closer to spring break when i get a week off and travel to Portland (helloooooo, Powells!) and hang out with friends i haven’t seen in 2 years!

    18. A Girl Named Fred*

      My mom had her first eye’s cataract surgery this week, which went well and she’s recovering great! She’s been so upset about how poor her eyesight had gotten, so it’s heartwarming to hear her be excited for how much better it is even with only one done.

      And also, one of my favorite k-pop groups, Stray Kids, released their newest mini album “Oddinary” yesterday and it’s SO GOOD. This is the first time in my life I’ve ever been a fan of an artist at the same time they release new music, and getting swept up in the hype before the release and then the joy of the actual release has been really incredible.

    19. Rara Avis*

      Our super-shy kitty has started begging for attention. There’s only one location she deems suitable for petting (the top of the cat castle), so she’ll chirp at us and then lead us there (walk and look back to make sure we’re following).

    20. small town*

      Younger son was home last week and we got to meet his boyfriend. Young love is grand. We had a birthday party for my Dad, who turned 89. Older son is home this week from professional school. He eats, he sleeps, he chats. Best Old Dog still has the zoomies and the daffodils are blooming. Spring is glorious!

    21. Coenobita*

      My dog started heartworm treatment yesterday (he was found as a stray last year and came in with all sorts of medical issues) and he did great! We were worried that one of his other health conditions would increase the chance of a bad reaction, but he came through the injection just fine. What a relief. Also, the vet clearly gave him some very good drugs because when we picked him up last night he was completely stoned, and that was pretty funny.

    22. A Feast of Fools*

      The holly bushes in front of my house had gotten overgrown and trashy. Last Sunday I told myself that I was going to grab the loppers and just cut off the branches that had grown 3-5 feet straight up above the overall top line.

      Lopping the Very Tall things turned into lopping the Dang, These Are Pretty High, Too things which turned into Dammit Now I Have to Even All This Out.

      And so now every time I walk through the living room and see a clean, mostly straight, line of holly hedges out the bay window, I smile.

    23. WoodswomanWrites*

      Last year, I gave away the uncomfortable convertible loveseat/bed I had in my living room for years, and spent months trying to find new, affordable, and comfortable furniture that would fit in my small space. I had many potential options bookmarked, and had visited a couple furniture stores with no luck. This week I poked into Craigslist and found the perfect matching pair of high-quality upholstered chairs, like new and inexpensive. It’s so nice to have a comfy spot to read and to host friends.

    25. Ayla*

      I made an oreo pie! Nothing very fancy–i made a crust from oreos, browned butter, and a pinch of sugar; I whipped some cream with powdered sugar and a little vanilla pudding mix; then I creamed some cream cheese with sugar, folded in broken cookies and the whipped cream, and threw it in the crust. It was simple to make but delicious, and rich enough that 10 of us shared it and felt we each got just enough.

    26. allathian*

      Lovely sunny spring weather. The snow is evaporating rather than melting. They’re forecasting 15 C/59 F for this afternoon, which is very unusual for this time of year.

    27. Excited Law Student*

      I’m a first year law student in my second semester, and we just started Spring Break. I haven’t seen my family in a month. My mom picked me up from school on Thursday and it made me feel like a kindergartner again :)

    28. Seeking Second Childhood*

      The daffodils are up! Great bunches are spreading from the few the previous owners had planted …and dozens of tips are showing from the sack of bulbs I planted last fall. There are enough this year do you have cut flowers inside and not leave the garden sad.

    29. Voluptuousfire*

      Went to a wedding out of state for my little cousin and her fiancé. Was happy to be on a plane in a hotel room for the first time in three years. I spent more time in my hotel room then walking around the city. For the most part I’m very happy just watching TV or watching something on my laptop in a hotel room.

    30. Oui oui oui all the way home*

      I’m a night owl and can’t tell you how happy it makes me to have an extra hour of daylight during my waking hours this past week.

  8. The Prettiest Curse*

    Inhaler users – have you switched from an aerosol to dry powder inhaler? How did it go, and how easy was it to re-learn inhaler technique? I’m considering making the switch for environmental reasons, so I’m interested in hearing about all experiences, positive or negative.

    1. MeTwoToo*

      I started on the Advair powder inhaler. I used it for more than 10 years. It caused problems with my eyes, which I understand is rare. If you do use it, I would get regular glaucoma screening to look for thinning of the optic nerve.

    2. Aealias*

      I switched to a dry powder med, because my old aerosol was spiking my heart-rate, so I was avoiding using it.

      I personally love the powder. I always struggled with timing my breath and the aerosol perfectly, I would get the angle wrong and spray it all over my tongue or the roof of my mouth, and I hated the tiny taste. With the powder, there’s no picky timing – the drug is waiting until I take the breath. I don’t have to worry about angle – it flies along in the airflow, so more of it reaches my airway. And I haven’t noticed a taste – probably because it has a much lower chance of settling on my tongue. (My doctor laughed when I explained all this to her, and said I should write ads for the new med!)

      According to my doc, some people find the powder very challenging to use, so my experience is far from universal! Probably my dislike for the aerosol puffers is a big part of my love for the powder.

      1. KoiFeeder*

        I had to switch from powder to aerosol, but I’m in agreement with you in every respect. Powder really is just easier for me!

    3. MuttIsMyCopilot*

      I switched to powder for both my preventive and rescue medications. I find it easier than the aerosols because your don’t have to time your inhale so precisely. With albuterol, the powder version makes me less jittery too.

      For the daily one, Advair, I developed thrush at first because I ignored the instruction to rinse your mouth out after use. Don’t skip that step! It can also cause a little bit of throat irritation, but that usually goes away after the first week or so.

    4. PassThePeasPlease*

      Echoing what others have said, I find dry powders easier to use since you don’t have to get the timing of the inhale right. Just remember to rinse your mouth after if it’s included in the instructions otherwise some of the meds can stay in there.

    5. WoodswomanWrites*

      Here’s another affirmation for the powder. It’s the same formula as Advair which I used for year, but it’s now also available in a generic called Wixela.

    6. Rachel*

      I ended up getting oral thrush/yeast from the powdered steroid so I had to go back to the aerosol one and use a spacer. Be sure to wash your mouth out thoroughly. At this point I literally brush my teeth afterwards to be sure.

    7. The Prettiest Curse*

      Thank you to everyone who shared your experiences! I have a family history of glaucoma, so will have to discuss the pros and cons of switching with my doctor in more detail.

  9. matcha123*

    I’m removing this because the work-related piece is generating lots of work-related replies which violate the weekend rules. Please feel free to repost it without the work part. (I’m not removing the replies that stuck to non-work though.) – Alison

    1. Laura H.*

      You matter. Keep repeating this.

      Take a deep breath. Be gentle with yourself. (I have difficulty with that one.)

      All the hugs.

    2. Batgirl*

      I usually default to being nice to myself. I appreciate the positive friends of course, but the person who has most control over my happiness is myself. Booking in a lot of time with the positive friends, and avoiding the negative friends is just one thing I can do for myself. Other things are giving myself small treats like long baths, good quality chocolate, random paperbacks from charity shops or rambling around curiosity shops, making the time for really nutritious and delicious food, putting on some laugh out loud comedy, buying really good quality new sheets and having breakfast in bed. Your list will differ and they may seem like obvious things to do but they are the kinds of things we neglect when we are down on ourselves.

    3. Katie*

      My husband and I decided that our son was good with this (emotional support human as we lovingly called him yesterday). He will sit with you and hold your hand. He giggles easily to warm you as well.

      I find going out and interacting with the supportive people in my life helps me too.

      1. Sloan Kittering*

        It’s funny, I was just thinking that my usual tips for this OP would be solitary – schedule lots of cozy times reading books on the couch, taking long baths (my personal comfort go-to) or taking long walks in pretty places – but I think when I’m honest with myself, going out with loved ones often makes me feel better faster when I’m upset, even though I am an introvert. When someone has been unkind to you and made you doubt yourself, having the people around who love you and want to spend time with you can correct that doubt.

        1. matcha123*

          I think I lean more toward the solitary, but I have spoken with a number of friends over the past few days and they’ve been kind enough to let me cry in front of them. I don’t want to push everything onto them, but I think leaning on them a bit is good for my mental health and something I’ve tended to shy away from.

          Also taking many long walks in the evening to clear my head.

          I notice I focus on the people who go out of their way to put me down, and don’t focus enough on the ones who are kind. I wish our minds were better at blocking those negatives and pulling up the positives.

          1. Liliaceae*

            To support your statement about focussing on negative things – I remember reading in a psych class that it takes ~19 positive things said to you to drown out 1 negative thing. I don’t know why our minds are like this, but maybe make a concerted effort to focus on the positive.

    4. Hex Code*

      This will sound very woo-woo, but I put it in the “can’t hurt” category: imagine strengthening your aura through meditations and visualizations. Imagine a robust puffy coat of an energy field like a bird fluffing up their feathers in winter. Or imagine an oily coating like a duck that everything slides off of. It’s free (I watch meditations on YouTube) and helps me feel better.

    5. matcha123*

      To re-cap what I was seeking:
      I was wondering what people did to break the cycle of negative thoughts after being constantly told by someone that you are worthless. And how to move on from bullying from another adult. My mind keeps going back to the negatives, despite getting positive feedback from others around me.

      Thanks to those that did reply earlier, I did read some of the responses before bed.

      1. Princess Deviant*

        The only things that worked for me were therapy and time.
        I had to be taught how to be kind to myself and then practise it. I still find it hard now.
        If you can go no contact with the person, then that’s great.
        If not, limit the time you spend with them, have strategies (like set phrases) to shut them down and move the conversation along in an adult way, and be prepared to leave when it gets too much.

      2. ThatGirl*

        Write down the positives (or print out emails, etc) and keep them handy. Refer to as necessary.

        I also personally like to remind myself that if I wouldn’t ask someone for advice, I shouldn’t receive their criticism (or bullying as the case may be).

  10. Put the Blame on Edamame*

    I have a small kitchen counter which gets cluttered easily, any organisation tips?

      1. Glomarization, Esq.*

        Co-sign. We try not to store things on the counter in our poorly-designed kitchen, even things that are unusual to hide away rather than leave out. Toaster? Goes up into a cabinet after use. Crockpot? Onto a shelf it goes. Spices? Stowed away in a drawer, not in a spice rack on the counter. Knife block? Don’t have one; the knives are in a compartment in the utensil drawer. Food processor? Lives in a lower cabinet when not in use. Paper towels? Mr. Glomarization and I have agreed to disagree on whether they’re necessary at all, but in any event they are in the pantry with things like Saran wrap and baking parchment paper, not on the counter.

        What stays out on the counter is, for us, a bare minimum of things we use daily: hot water kettle, cooking utensil holder, a bowl where we keep onions/garlic/shallots

      2. Sloan Kittering*

        Urgh, I have been trying to convince everyone who will listen that my tiny galley kitchen will be over burdened by having upper cabinets installed and that open shelves would be better for the space. It’s going to feel like the body of an airplane with upper cabinets jutting out overhead. Nobody agrees with me and the kitchen refurbishers included cabinets in the bid anyway so they weren’t listening either. I’m glad to hear there’s at least one other person who likes kitchen shelves!

        1. It's Growing!*

          Kitchen shelves are all the thing at the moment. I don’t know why your designer so behind the times. You might need to remind them who’s paying for this project. (It shouldn’t feel like an airplane though as uppers are usually 12-13″ deep while lowers are 24″.)

          I, OTOH, don’t care for upper shelves replacing cabinets. It’s the dust factor – I don’t want to have to wash a dish before I can use it.

          1. Missb*

            This. I have a 12′ by 12′ kitchen, u-shaped. I’ve lived for years with only 2 upper cabinets (one on either side of the range) and two open shelves. The shelves are horrible dust magnets. Just horrible. Add to that, I had an undersized vent hood, so it’s like greasy dust. Ugh.

            The kitchen is down to studs. I have my kitchen design printed out and the view for each wall is stuck on each bare wall for inspiration. I love the fact that I’m going to have tons of upper cabinets to store stuff. The process of remodeling forced me to go through every.single.thing in my kitchen and purge and store or place it in my dining room for use during the remodel. I found stuff in the backs of my cabinets that I hadn’t seen since I’d moved here 19 years ago.

            I took the time to go through my cabinet design and assign a place for everything. Maybe the OP should consider doing that – look at the space you have and consider what should be stored there (rather than what is actually stored there).

            1. Overeducated*

              Greasy dust is the WORST. We have a non-functional vent hood (why did they put one there? with nowhere to vent?? doesn’t matter because it’s broken now anyway). It gets so disgusting so quickly.

        2. MacGillicuddy*

          Open shelves in the kitchen were designed by people who never cook. In addition to the dust factor, everything will eventually be covered with a film of grease.

        3. Seeking Second Childhood*

          Cabinet doors that have windows so that you have less visual narrowness?

    2. Chauncy Gardener*

      I try to think about what constitutes the clutter and where it actually should go. Does it have a home? If it doesn’t, therein lies the problem.
      Both The Minimal Mom and Clutterbug have really good (I think) shows on the Tube of You that have helped me organize better and tame the clutter.
      It feels so much better with clear surfaces in my small house!
      Good luck!

    3. Not So NewReader*

      At one apartment we had a super tiny kitchen. The counter space was measured in inches.

      I bought a cart with three levels to it. The top was a wooden cutting board type surface and used that as my work area. The second shelf I kept empty so I could toss random things there while I was working. The bottom shelf had a dishpan for throwing dirty dishes in it.
      The cart also had a towel bar and the sides had holes to put peg board hooks in. I could hang somethings off the sides. The cart was on wheels, too.
      I put the cart perpendicular to my sink and my inches of counterspace. So I had an L-shaped area to work.

      Uh– this was surprisingly okay and we lived in that apartment for a few years. When we moved, I repurposed the cart and I am still using it.

    4. The Other Dawn*

      I have a magnetic knife holder on the wall; all my big knives go there, steak knives in a drawer. I also have a pot rack attached to the wall, which holds every pot and pan I own, other than the really big ones.

    5. Falling Diphthong*

      Advice I saw recently that made a ton of sense but hadn’t occurred to me:

      Don’t start your organizing with the stuff on the counter: it’s there because you use it often. Instead, start with the back of the other storage: What’s in there? A fondue pot you should get rid of? A big pot you use once every few months so it could really live in the basement?

      2. RagingADHD*

        Yup, this is a good tip from “Clutterbug” on YouTube. Clear out your hidden / long term storage, and you will have more space to put everyday things away.

    6. Valancy Snaith*

      I have a small kitchen counter and apart from two glorious years with a huge kitchen, always have. Use your vertical space as much as possible. If you have kitchen cabinets that are tall but not deep, put shelves in your cabinets. Poly-coated wire shelving is available at a lot of places and that can almost double the space in your cupboards for stacking foods in the pantry, dishes, cooking utensils, etc. If you have rarely-used cabinets (like over the refrigerator), get a stepstool and start using them for rarely-used things. If the issue is that your counter gets cluttered while cooking, is there a way you can make use of the rest of your kitchen during the cooking process? Have things ready to go on the kitchen table instead of taking up counter space while you cook, or throw all the eggshells and vegetable scraps in the sink to throw away later instead of letting them clutter up the countertops.

      Hooks are useful tools. You can use them to hang up the dish drainer, or your oven mitts, or your utensils on the backsplash to keep them off the counter. My usable kitchen workspace is about eighteen inches long and sixteen inches deep and I make it work, mostly by planning my cooking carefully, putting absolutely everything away when not in use, and dumping stuff into the sink. The upside is that the smaller it is, the easier it is to clean, so there’s that. Really all that I leave out on the counter is the knife block, the utensil crock, and the bigger bottles of stuff I use all the time (oil, fish sauce, balsamic vinegar).

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        This post is a revelation. I have a teeny kitchen and almost no counterspace, and I have long utilized hooks for hanging pots and potholders. Bbut it never occurred to me to do this with my dishdrainer when it’s in the way. Thank you!

    7. Brave Little Roaster*

      I recently got four 11” square baskets and put them on the kitchen counter. It collects all that random stuff that accumulates in the kitchen without being a closed container that I will forget to look in. Having several matching items makes it look more organized IMO. I have a pretty small kitchen with hardly any drawer space.

      In lieu of a link, the item is $10 from Target and it’s called “Square Decorative Basket Natural- Threshold”

      1. fposte*

        Yes, I was about to say this! Find a container. Bonus points if the container is that pretty thing you meant to use somehow (I tend to collect really nice handmade ceramic bowls, for instance, so guess what my exercise resistance bands in the living room live in?). I personally forgive clutter that’s really just a busy process, so that my reusable grocery bags stopping on counter A before going down to the laundry is acceptable to me, since they do go down to counter A within a day or so.

    8. Jay*

      Great tips already in this thread if the counter is cluttered with stuff that has no place to go. Our kitchen counter used to get cluttered with things that had a place but still ended up on the counter. Turned out the place they were supposed to go was inconvenient – tools that are mostly used upstairs are not going to get put away downstairs, for instance. Eventually we figured out a better system for most of those things. We have a set of small cubby-like shelves in the kitchen using what would be wasted space next to the pantry, and one of those is the spot for papers that need action but not right now (the receipt for the pieces we just took to be framed, photos we want to send to family, stuff like that).

      Years ago I subscribed to Flylady and one of the strategies I still use is to tidy up the “hot zones” frequently. So every time I go through the kitchen, I pick up something from the counter and put it away. It doesn’t feel overwhelming, I don’t mind doing it one item at a time, and it keeps the clutter from multiplying. I’ve found that people in my family are less likely to leave stuff on a clean counter. Once it’s cluttered, it’s open season.

      1. Retired (but not really)*

        I’m also dealing with a very small kitchen with too little storage space and very minimal counter space as well. Thanks to all for the helpful suggestions! The addition of a China cabinet from my in-laws when they moved to an assisted living apartment has been extremely helpful for me. I still need to do major reorganization of my other storage, especially the corner cabinet that desperately needs a double decker lazy Susan. The cheapie plastic one I had in there was too small and didn’t hold up well.

      2. MaryLoo*

        I finally figured this out after many “I just tidied this, how did it get all cluttered all of a sudden?”

        What happens is, if you leave one random item on your just-cleaned countertop/table/couch etc, that item invites all its friends to a Party! On the clean counter!!

        I’m sure this must be what happens, because I’m such a naturally tidy person ;-)

    9. Chaordic One*

      If you have room in your kitchen, it is helpful to buy an extra “pantry” cabinet for those things that would otherwise clutter your kitchen counters. I have one for my microwave and coffee maker.

    10. Pocket Mouse*

      There are doohickies that help you utilize vertical space on the outside of your fridge. For things you use constantly, look for magnetic spice tins, magnetic spice racks, etc.

      1. pancakes*

        Yamazaki Home is a good site to browse for this sort of thing. I use two of their rolling carts to store spices.

    11. Overeducated*

      I have trouble with this too. Honestly, lots of good tips here, but I think another huge element is…less stuff. Is it possible to pare down? Our “clutter” tends to consist of stuff that doesn’t have a place, or that’s inconvenient to put away. The way I see it, they either need to go in the cupboards and something else needs to leave to make space, or they need to go away entirely. Constant struggle.

      1. Wilde*

        I’m thinking the OP might need less stuff too. Recently I was getting so frustrated with the toaster and sandwich press living on the counter. So I got rid of the unused blender and food processor in the cabinet below, and voila, plenty of space for the toaster to hide away when not in use.

        Think about the things in your kitchen that you actually need. Then get rid of the other stuff. Donate it, sell it, hide it in a spare room if you’re not ready to part ways today. Then you’ll have space in the cupboards for the things on your counter top.

        I’m seconding the recommendation for The Minimal Mom on YouTube – perhaps start with one of her kitchen declutter videos? I find her older videos better when starting out in a space.

    12. Squidhead*

      While cooking, one of our tricks is to put dirty pots/pans in the oven if it’s not in use. It gets them off the stove into a place where they can safely cool off. We are very diligent about checking the oven for forgotten pans before turning it on.

      A habit that was hard to break was leaving the mail in the kitchen…so tempting to read the mail while standing around snacking or having a cup of tea. We had to just be really determined about it: the mail does not go in the kitchen any more.

      If you have the cash, consider whether anything you have could be replaced by something smaller or multifunctional. The chunky plastic measuring cup set you’ve had since college might still be “good,” but it takes up more space than a single measuring cup with markings for wet and dry (measure the dry ingredients first!). Or the blender (rarely used in our house) could just get replaced by a good immersion blender (which we use a lot anyway). We also have a few appliances and fancy baking pans that we store elsewhere and only get them out when needed. I assume this isn’t the kind of clutter you have, but evicting one item from the kitchen might make a better spot for a frequently-cluttery item.

    13. Skeeder Jones*

      I feel your pain. I have a microscopic kitchen and I love to cook. I literally have 2 feet of counter, broken up into 1 foot on one side of the sink and a foot on the other, 2 small drawers, 2 small bottom cabinets and upper cabinets that are also small and also too high for me to really use them. I have done my best to get as much on the walls as I can by hanging wooden crates to make extra shelving and then using ikea wooden spice racks to hold all my foils/plastic wrap/plastic bags. I have something that attaches to my fridge and makes some small shelves and holds paper towels too, then my knives are on a magnetic strip. I still end up with random stuff on my counters making them mostly unusable and I’ve found that having a crate to throw stuff in helps keep me from having a giant pile. It’s not great but I’m about to move so the end is in sight for me to have a real kitchen!

      1. Wink the Book*

        You have my exact kitchen. Hard recommend a metal/drain shelf over the sink. It can double as a dish strainer, as well as quick storage for dish cloths.

    14. Off My Lawn, You Must Get*

      We sprung for a piece of UHMW (cutting board plastic) that covers the sink so that real estate can serve as prep space.

  11. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Writing thread! How’s everyone’s writing going? As usual, this is not limited to fiction writing, any writing goes.

    So turns out outlining the Shiny New Idea (TM) was enough to get it out of my head after all. Thank goodness, and now I have some motivation to finish one of my existing projects so I can actually write it!

    1. Squirrel Nutkin*

      I am excited — finally I have something to say in this thread! I have been in a looooooong slump, but I got a call for papers for a conference the other day, and I find I have at least two things I want to write about.

      I’ve also been doing some fiction writing in my head. Maybe that will find its way out through my fingers.

    2. Forensic13*

      Trying to get writing done this weekend but having trouble focusing. Part of the problem is that there are some pacing issues emerging but I KNOW I have to get through one draft for my own sanity/work ethic.

    3. Miss 404*

      I finished the thing!
      I have now started a new thing with the same characters, and have also restarted writing one of my longer pieces on a later chapter.

    4. Maryn*

      I finished the revision based on an excellent beta-read, so although I’d already typed “The End” previously, now it’s really the end and I won’t be making further changes. Finally!

      1. river*

        Yay! I’m halfway through the same thing and looking forward to “the end” again. It’s been a lot of thinking and rearranging but I’ve cracked it, I think, I just have to finish it up and fill the gap I’ve created. That glorious moment when I realised “ohh, they have to meet that person first and THEN the other person” (it had been the other way around) — it seems small but it made all the difference!

    5. MEH Squared*

      I actually had a piece published on a gaming site about a serious medical event that changed my life last year, my views on Elden Ring, and the intersection of the two. Plus, mention of my love for Taiji weapons. It’s the first time I’ve been published in years–and it feels great. Hopefully, it won’t be the last.

  12. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Gaming thread! What’s everyone been playing this week? As usual, this is not limited to video games, so feel free to talk about any kind of game you want to including phone games and board games. Also feel free to ask for recommendations or help identifying a vaguely remembered game.

    I’m still on Mark of the Ninja. Some of those later levels are very challenging!

      1. Order of the Banana*

        Pokemon is about the only game I play nowadays, although I’ve been struggling through some of the late ones. I haven’t managed to complete BDSP, but I’m also working through Legends. Legends is super fun, although my current stress levels mean that I’m a little overwhelmed by all the missions we have to complete haha.

        1. Iris West-Allen*

          I’ve been taking my time with Legends because I want to explore everything. It’s been really enjoyable and relaxing.

    3. Alyn*

      Video game wise I started playing Skyrim again; I saw the Anniversary update added new items & quests, so I decided to give it a go. Also playing Stardew Valley now and then; trying to keep focus on my current farm instead of starting a new one as a I have a habit of doing.

      Card game wise, I played two new-to-me games this week – Splendor and Panorama. Splendor is a neat little game that plays quickly; eager to try it again now that I have the basics of game mechanics down & see if I can’t implement some strategy. Panorama was pretty cool – it’s a mix of cooperative and competitive, and the cards are gorgeous.

    4. Jackalope*

      This was my second week of DM-ing for D&D and it went well! Still some tweaks needed for me to feel like I’m in top of things but for the most part it was good and we all had fun. The only down side was technology; Zoom issues meant that we couldn’t always hear each other. But other than that it worked, and I’m enjoying the one-shot that I got. It’s got good bones, so to speak, and is really easy to adapt wherever I want to.

    5. MEH Squared*

      Still obsessed with Elden Ring. I’ve put over a hundred hours into it, and I am roughly halfway done with the game (if slightly less). The breadth of it is incredible; I’m constantly amazed by what I find. It pays to look in every corner and under every bend. I can see myself easily playing this game for the rest of the year (and longer).

      Thankfully, the problems on the PC have been alleviated for the most part–at least on a PC with a high-end graphics card. Hopefully, they’ll continue to make it better.

    6. The Dude Abides*

      Cheering on some local friends playing in Indianapolis.

      Was able to get some cards signed by artists (Steve Prescott, Jeff Miracola, Aaron Miller).

    7. Smol Book Wizard*

      About to finish my Verdant Wind run of FE:3H. I think I am anyway? We’re in Enbarr. But I feel there might be more plot coming after, all the same.
      I do like Claude and his friends all right, but I also miss the fraught high drama and Feels of the other two houses.

      1. Jackalope*

        I enjoyed Claude, but he got cheated in terms of character development. The other two lords have fairly fleshed out backgrounds (at least for a video game), and he gets… character traits. Like being curious about the secrets of the church, or anti-racism, both of which are great. But what do we know about his life before the monastery? How much do we really know about him? Not that much, and I wish that hadn’t happened. I mean, he’d be the easiest one to get to know IRL because he’s not as… prickly and intense as the others. But it seemed like the developers thought that laidback = boring and they didn’t put in the time to make him more interesting.

        1. Smol Book Wizard*

          That’s a succinct and sensible way of putting what I thought too! He’s engaging and nice, and I like his curiosity, but I did feel that his arc was a bit flat. I was fairly familiar with his “fanon” interpretation prior to this and was a little surprised that there wasn’t much of his backstory given in the actual game. I’m not sure where the fans found it, to be honest, although I like it. :D

  13. Teapot Translator*

    Has anyone managed to adopt a new sleep position as an adult? If so, how did you do it?
    I want to switch from sleeping on my back to sleeping on the side for specific reasons. It might not work, but I’d like to try. I’m also wondering if I should try using a pregnancy pillow (not pregnant if anyone’s wondering). If you have a brand recommendation, I’ll take it. Thank you!

    1. Katie*

      Good luck! I had to start sleeping on my back when pregnant and afterwards. It was extremely hard, but it helped that 1)it hurt to sleep differently 2)I was exhausted. This happens for at least a month and it didn’t stick.
      To note, I do sleep on my side and use a standard pillow.

    2. Turtle Dove*

      I haven’t switched positions but am a lifelong side sleeper who uses a body pillow to support my knees and free arm. I don’t have a brand preference (the cheap ones from places like Target work fine, in my opinion), but I’m careful to pick firm body pillows, not soft ones. I keep two on the bed (one for each side) because I flip over a lot.

    3. fposte*

      I don’t know if this will translate, if you’ll pardon the play on your name, but I’m a stomach sleeper who has occasionally needed to sleep on my side. And what helps there is to use a body pillow to give me a lot of front support and gentle pressure. Maybe you could try a similar approach with supporting your back.

    4. LMK*

      I’ve used a U-shaped body pillow for years to keep myself on my side at night. One caveat is it takes up a lot of bed space. I live alone so I’m fine, but if you have a partner, they might not appreciate it.

    5. Boba Feta*

      Have always been a side sleeper, am no longer pregnant, but man do I miss my Snoogle. It allowed me to sleep at a magical 3/4 turn because it supported my upper back but also curled at the bottom to squish between the knees, which is key to avoid lower back/ hip alignment issues with side sleeping. I’d start using it again if it weren’t for the fact that I don’t sleep alone- Hubs was very glad when that thing got put away, he no longer felt like he was about to fall out every night.

    6. Sundial*

      I found it very easy to switch from side sleeping to back sleeping in order to heal cartilage piercings, I just put jaw hairclips along my temples to make side sleeping uncomfortable.

      I’ve heard of sewing a tennis ball in the back of a shirt to discourage back sleeping.

    7. Wishing You Well*

      For sleeping on my side, I use 4 different pillows instead of one big pillow: 2 for under the head, one between the knees and one up against my back to keep from rolling onto my back.
      I hope you find something that works for you! Sleep tight!

    8. loislolane*

      I have had to avoid sleeping on my back because when I had a sleep study done it was found I had apnea when I lie on my back but I’m generally OK on my sides or stomach. Instead of a device they could sell me they recommended putting a few tennis balls in a fanny pack and having that sit on my back to prevent rolling. I’ve also tried putting a body pillow behind my back to impede rolling. Both very helpful tips, I found!

    9. AnonAgain*

      I have a mild sleep apnea that is fine when on my side but terrible when on my back. I’m able to stay on my side wearing a Rematee Bumper Belt. It’s a belt that goes around the chest. There are pockets in the back that hold inflatable bumpers that keep me from sleeping on my back. It has straps that go over the shoulders so the belt doesn’t slip down overnight.

    10. Esprit de l'escalier*

      That’s exactly what I did — switched from lifelong back sleeping to sleeping on my side. I was highly motivated: it was around Spring of 2020, I was very scared of the new coronavirus, and I read an article in the nytimes that you could enhance your lung function if you slept on your side and not on your back. I just … did it. Made myself lie on my side every night when I went to bed and after some point that became natural for me.

      At first I found myself immediately shifting to my back, but I’d wriggle onto a side and try to stay there. I can’t remember how long it took, but now, if I land in bed on my bed, that doesn’t feel right — I’ve really made the shift. I found that one side feels more comfortable than the other so that’s how I arrange myself.

      I think you mainly need to be consistent about it to change such an ingrained habit. Good luck!

    11. Cambridge Comma*

      I read an anti-snoring tip that said to sew a ping pong ball to the back of your pyjamas, but I guess anything uncomfortable to lie on would work.
      I wouldn’t bother with the pregnancy pillow, you’ll just push it away half asleep.

    12. Rekha3.14*

      I don’t have a brand suggestion but get the right sized pillow for you for side sleeping. I’m sure there are videos out there on how to figure out the size and how it should feel. I use a foam wave-shaped pillow myself, but others a standard pillow. For example, I can’t sleep on my husband’s pillow because it’s too “high” for proper spine alignment for me, and mine is too low for him.

      As for how to do it, I just made myself, I guess? I used to stomach sleep, but getting the right pillow helps. It’s not a pillow I could use for front sleeping at all.

    13. marvin the paranoid android*

      I’m still working on this, but I’m trying to do the opposite to you: learn to sleep on my back instead of my side. The tips that I’ve read say that it’s helpful to create pillow barricades to stop yourself from rolling over in your sleep. If you have some spare regular pillows, you might want to start with just piling those up.

    14. Chaordic One*

      In addition to experimenting with different pillows, you might want to try sleeping with a weighted blanket.

  14. Crepe Suzette*

    Let’s have a YouTube channel recommendation thread! Please share below –
    1. Any channel(s)/creator(s) you’ve liked recently
    2. If you’re looking for recommendations on a specific topic or similar to a channel you already follow

    Let me start, my answers are –
    1. Quite obsessed with Beatrice Caruso (started off primarily as a weight-loss channel but now does more general lifestyle vlogs as well, I find her hilarious and relatable) and Jenna Phipps (I love her aesthetic and all the things she makes! Crochet, knit, other DIYs, thrift vlogs)
    2. I’d love to find channels/creators similar to Jenna Phipps. I’ve realised I need to have the host talking throughout the video or my attention wanders. Please let me know if you have any recommendations along these lines :)

    I love how I can start really niche threads here and still get many responses, thank you for being such a welcoming community (and a huge thank you to Alison for fostering such a space)

    1. PX*

      I am not a fashion person but I love Haute Le Mode. If nothing else because of his passion and obvious knowledge about huge elements of fashion history/context.

    2. The Dude Abides*

      1 – I’ve been watching replays of ALttPR races on the ZeldaSpeedRuns channel. There are certain modes/settings that don’t interest me (swordless, crosskeys, retro), but on the whole it’s fun to watch and play when I have the time.

    3. GoryDetails*

      I don’t have a LOT of YouTube channels that I follow regularly, but the ones I do include:

      Tasting History with Max Miller: absolutely delightful mix of food, history, and humor, presented at regular intervals (I appreciate YouTubers who are able to maintain a reliable schedule, whether weekly or monthly or something in between), and occasionally featuring walk-ons by the cats.

      Cinema Therapy: a therapist and a filmmaker, best friends and with excellent chemistry, choose particular films or characters (or, sometimes, genres) and point out psychological issues as depicted – sometimes highlighting really good practices and sometimes the really bad ones.

      I’ve been working through the backlog of videos on both of those, with plenty still to go, and really love them.

      Also fond of:

      Ask a Mortician, Caitlin Doughty’s channel, where she provides short snippets about death and burial customs, including items from her various books (all of which I adore), or longer episodes themed on anything from the practice of binding books in human skin to unusual true-crime tales to very entertaining recreations of spiritualist photography or Victorian funeral pics.

    5. PerplexedPigeon*

      Emily D. Baker and her Law Nerds channel. She’s a former District Attorney and trial lawyer who discusses various trials currently in the media. Her tagline is “facts not fuckery” meaning she doesn’t get caught up in speculation and I feel like she really holds to that.

    6. AGD*

      1. HGTV Handmade. Rajiv Surendra is an absolute treasure of a human being, as far as I can tell. He has a presence that is at once vibrantly creative and yet calm and deep. Also really getting into Adam Savage’s Tested, which is a mix of post-Mythbusters building, crafting, and/or Adam just talking amiably to the camera. He’s good company regardless of what he’s doing, plus he’s thoughtful and funny, and he never says anything negative about anyone unless he’s pushing back on bigotry in general. (He never takes shots at Jamie Hyneman, even though it’s clear that the two of them are very different people and probably felt no need whatsoever to spend time together outside of work.)

      2. I adore textile-upcycling/refashion/thrift-flip channels and follow a whole bunch but am always looking for additional recommendations (that is, beyond Thrifted Transformations, BlueprintDIY, TheSorryGirls, Sarah Tyau, Annika Victoria, and WithWendy).

    7. Stunt Apple Breeder*

      1. My favorites:
      -Food Wishes by Chef John. I have made many of his recipes and love almost all of them.
      -Tasting History. Max Miller delivers entertaining history lessons along with redacted historical recipes.
      -Upright Health. The exercises I have learned almost eliminated my hip pain, and I have only been doing them for a month.
      -Yoga with Adriene.
      -Vet Ranch
      -Stylish D. I sew, and wanted to learn how to tailor my husband’s clothing as well as my own.

      2. I am looking for recommendations on beginner ballet tutorials. I started doing some barre exercises to improve the strength and flexibility of my legs and hips but would like to do more.

    8. wingmaster*

      My favorite YouTube channels –

      Food:
      1. Best Ever Food Review Show – a mix of food and travel. Sonny, who’s the main person of the channel is based in Vietnam, but he is travels to many countries to showcase all types of food from street food to fine dining.
      2. Tasting History – as most people here mentioned, it’s all about food and history
      3. Townsends (similar to Tasting History)
      4. Aaron and Claire – a Korean couple who shows easy recipes that are delicious
      5. My High Desert Garden – a guy who shares his edible garden that’s grown in the Mojave Desert area.

      Gaming:
      1. DashieGames – I enjoy his scary gameplays, because he’s always getting jumpscares.
      2. John Wolfe – he also plays scary games, but he actually doesn’t get jumpscares.
      3. theRadBrad

      Other:
      1. Sidemen – it’s just 7 guys from the UK doing fun things together, and it’s usually funny for me to watch them.
      2. Audit the Audit – this channel talks about the rights and wrongs of police interactions with laws and regulations police may have violated.
      3. BassBuzz – bass guitar lesson videos

    9. OperaArt*

      I like “Useful Charts”. The topic sounds dry, but the content wildly varied. My favorite was about the hidden, matrilineal dynasty that’s been sitting on the thrones of Europe for 600 years. They called it the House of Garsenda. They followed the female lines only, instead of the male.

      1. Jora Malli*

        They’ve also got an interesting video on who would be the monarch of America if George Washington had been King rather than President. Their videos are fascinating.

    10. Wordnerd*

      Gaming:
      Game Maker’s Toolkit – game design
      Playframe – let’s plays
      New Frame Plus – game animation

      Passion of the Nerd – deep dive analysis on Angel and Buffy

      Defunctland – deep dive history on Disney (older stuff is ride history, newer stuff is just history)

      Just random other stuff:
      Jenny Nicholson- some Disney, mostly random
      Simone Giertz – used to be shitty robots, now really cool maker/home improvement stuff

    11. Jora Malli*

      I’m super into video essays. Some of my favorites include:
      –Jessie Gender (a mix of trans/lgbtq topics and Star Trek nerdery)
      –Sarah Z (fandom analysis)
      –Rowan Ellis
      –Tara Mooknee
      –Big Joel
      –Shaun (his most recent video is an extremely long and extremely interesting analysis of the Harry Potter series with respect to JKR’s known/stated political beliefs and affiliations)

      I also like fan reaction and analysis channels:
      –Amanda the Jedi (she watches a lot of bad Netflix content so we don’t have to)
      –Black Nerd Comedy
      –Council of Geeks
      –Dominic Noble (his primary series is called Lost in Adaptation, in which he analyzes the differences between movies and TV shows and the books they’re based on)
      –fictionaldarling (an extremely adorable person who watches a lot of marvel content and records her reactions. She cries at all the right parts and it’s very heartwarming)
      –Casually Comics (discussion of some of the more weird and fun bits of Marvel and DC comics history. Worth the watch for Sasha’s gravely Batman voice alone)

      I tend to treat YouTube like I treat podcasts or audiobooks, a source of entertainment and background noise I can put on while I do other things, and I didn’t realize how many channels I follow until I started making this list. :)

      1. GraceC*

        We have a lot of overlap! Others I watch that aren’t on your list – Quinton Reviews and Jenny Nicholson (similar to Sarah Z, but I prefer them since the fandoms they dissect are generally ones they were/are very active in), Bailey Meyers (specifically the Goosedrunks series, reading Goosebumps with a “drink if it’s stupid, drink if it’s scary” drinking game), Defunctland, KrimsonRogue (lots of overlap with Dom Noble, I’d recommend one if you like the other) and Friendly Space Ninja (irl friends with Amanda the Jedi).

    12. MuttIsMyCopilot*

      I have somewhat random taste, but here’s some of my favorites:

      VlogBrothers: Hank and John Green making mostly short videos about a wide variety of things. SciShow is an offshoot of that that’s more educational and less stream of consciousness.

      The Hoof GP: A charming Scottish guy trimming cow feet. Some gore since he’s often treating problem hooves, but overall the cattle are very valued and treated well since it’s Scottish dairy farms and not US factory farming.

      The Try Guys and/or Good Mythical Morning: Pure fun entertainment. Try Guys mostly try stuff (drunk vs high games, eating everything at a particular restaurant, pole dancing, etc) and GMM is a lot of comparing foods and competitive games.

      Animalogic: Educational episodes about specific animals. Very mellow.

      A Chick Called Albert: A man saves lots of eggs, birds, and occasionally other creatures. Also pretty mellow and not much dialog since English isn’t his first language.

      Banish Culinary Universe: Lots of recreating dishes from TV shows and movies with some cooking basics videos thrown in.

      WhatCulture: UK folks doing “top ten” type lots about movies and tv.

      Bondi Vet, Pets & Vets, The Dodo: All animal focused, mostly rescue type stuff. The channels can get emotionally trying, but the vast majority of what they show has happy weddings.

      1. The Dude Abides*

        Seconding WhatCulture.

        I followed the wrestling guys to Cultaholic and PartsFunKnown, and the now-monthly Quizzlemania is appointment listening/viewing for me.

    13. cat socks*

      I’m a mid-40s woman living in the Midwest with a boring 9-5 job. I follow a lot of lifestyle people on YouTube who have completely different lives than me.

      Cecilia Blomdahl: She lives in Svalbard, which is an island near the North Pole. The sun just recently started showing up after a few months of polar night. I’ll never live there or visit, so it’s very interesting to see her daily life. Her dog Grim is super cute.

      Nicki Positano: She lives with her husband on the Amalfi Coast of Italy. Very interesting to see daily life in such a beautiful place.

      Wonderfully Ale, Kat Nesbitt, Hunter Lihas, Jacqueline Travels, Fly With Stella, Court to Fly: Flight attendant channels. It’s interesting to see the behind the scenes life of flight attendants.

      Clancy Burke: She’s a morning TV news reporter and is up at 2 in the morning. Again, not something I will ever experience, but it’s fun to follow her life.

      Cruising as Crew, Jordan Bauth: Two people who work on cruise ships. I’ve only been on a cruise once in my life and the crew was so nice. Interesting to get a behind the scenes look at life on a cruise ship.

      Emmi La: She lives in Finland. Her videos have no talking and only captions. They are very peaceful and calm. She vlogs about daily life in Helsinki.

      Brooke Miccio, Danielle Marie Carolan: Influencers living in NYC. I grew up without social media, so it’s interesting to see 20-somethings live out their life attending events and vlogging about their lives.

      Mohuya Kahn: A smaller channel. She is a Bangladeshi-American vlogging about her life in NYC. I’m Indian and I haven’t found a lot of other vloggers from that part of the world.

      I also like watching house hunting videos in expensive cities like NYC, Seattle and San Francisco. I live in a LCOL area, so it’s fascinating to see how much tiny apartments go for in these cities.

  15. Bobina*

    Gardening Thread:
    Spring seems to be well and truly springing here which is lovely! Except that I definitely did not repot a few plants in time and also didnt remember to buy large pots for them while I was in a garden centre recently so uh. Sorry shrubs, might have to be another year in too small pots for you.

    I do need to plant some bulbs I had forgotten about, but not sure I’m in the mood to deal with the mess I inevitably make so it might end up being a tomorrow job.

    How are all your plant based lifeforms doing?

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I bought bulbs last fall and then apparently totally forgot about them, like didn’t even open the shipping box. I found the box on a shelf in the dining room this week. I think they’re mostly spring flowering bulbs, daffodils and hyacinths – they’re probably not salvageable, are they?

      1. UKDancer*

        I’d say plant them and see what happens. They may not be salvageable but sometimes nature surprises us.

      2. Bobina*

        Depends a bit what the weather is like where you are, but if not for this spring they will probably be fine to plant out in autumn for next year!

      3. Merle Grey*

        I got some grape hyacinth bulbs and also forgot about them. They were trying to sprout, so I planted them last March. A few of them bloomed, later than they normally would, and the flowers were puny. This year they look lush and happy, and I can see them from across the yard!

    2. JK78*

      Spring hasn’t sprung here yet, everything is still under at least 2 inches of snow nearly everywhere that isn’t an edge. I’m excited for the new season but I’m nervous because I want to start a garden where there was previously grass. That section was ripped up to shreds by a construction crew so the grass is gone but I have a dirt section now that could be about 10×30 feet and I have NO idea how to create a garden.

      Like do I section it width wise with paving stones?? Do I just throw wildflower seeds everywhere and try to water the entire area? Yet how do I WEED then?? Should I buy like 3-5 of each perennial and clump them together? Should I try for native plants to try and help the bees or buy whatever I like??

      So many options!!! I’m kinda overwhelmed, tbh.

      1. Anonymous healthcare person*

        Start with Pinterest to see what you like in terms of garden looks. Do you like colorful, serene, woodland, English cottage, Japanese style? Pin a bunch and see what style emerges for you. That helps to get started.

        Then, which way does the garden bed face? South, east, west, north? Makes a huge difference in what will grow. South and west – look for plants that like full sun, North, full shade. East, partial shade. Observe the area over time and you will see when the sun falls where – and it will change depending on time of year. My back yard is shaded in the summer due to trees in full leaf, and sunny in the winter. Also, part of your bed might be full sun and another part, part sun, for example. You learn that through observing your garden over time, and also by what plants do and don’t thrive there.

        Is the soil sandy (good drainage, poor nutrition for plants, so look for ones that like those conditions)? Or clay, or loam? If you don’t know how to check, do a quick Google for your area. I’m in the PNW, where the soil tends to be acidic, for example.

        Also where do you live? Arizona is super different than the PNW or New York State, or wherever. Look up your zone, which is the dates of first and last frost. Go to local garden centres and ask staff what plants they recommend for your area. They can also help a lot with planning, equipment etc. You could consider a consult with one or more garden/landscape designers for ideas too, or ask gardening friends. I do love Gardener’s World with Monty Don, too, although it’s English so less useful if you are not in a similar climate (I am, in the PNW). Your local library and garden club are also great info sources. And local university and botanical gardens.

        It takes time to get a garden bed going, and you will make mistakes because we all do! And no shame in discovering gardening isn’t for you if you try it – you can re-seed it with grass, or get a low-maintenance design done (although, what gardeners think is low maintenance is often a lot of work- just so you know!).

        Oh also – for pollinator friendly, a lot of plants are labeled that way, at least where I am. Again it will change at least somewhat depending on where you are. Final tip: ALWAYS Google plants you are considering in garden centres to see if they are invasive in your area. It won’t be on the label, which sucks, and plant bullies like periwinkle are terrible to get rid of!

        1. JK78*

          Thank you, I hadn’t thought of Pinterest for ideas! The library was my next stop, but the university botanical gardens, I’ll have to check into those! And I actually have periwinkle . . . it’s the only thing that will grow in an area under the trees, but it’s creepy how it’s STILL green under all that snow or mulch!!

    3. Sloan Kittering*

      I realize it shouldn’t matter, but I’m a bit disappointed this year that my bulbs are all coming in at totally different rates. Last year they synched up a bit better and I have no idea why. I have a garden under the tree out front that has daffodils, tulips, hyacinth and allium, with pansies that generally come up behind them. However, it looks kind of silly having just two or three plants coming up at a time – currently just some scattered daffodils – when I pictured them all being up together. Ah well. I should probably have planted them in a prettier order so they don’t look so random. I don’t seem to have my mother’s eye for gardening design.

    4. Puffle*

      I’ve just been out inspecting my plants to see what’s survived… the roses, lavender, catmint and alstroemerias seem to be okay, but the petunias are not looking great… not sure if they’re dead or just about hanging in there.

      I’ve given everything a good weeding and doused it all in Miracle-Gro so let’s see how we are in a few weeks. For a self confessed disaster gardener, I’m not doing quite as badly as I’d thought XD

    5. Retired (but not really)*

      Mostly seeing green at the moment. Scattered a few boxes of wildflower seed mix along the edge of the road last week right before it rained, so hoping to have flowers before too long. My bluebonnets didn’t reseed as they got mowed too early (helpful? neighbor) so going to hope I can find some to transplant.

    6. Jora Malli*

      I’ve traditionally been terrible at growing plants, but I recently bought a vertical planter from GreenStalk Gardens. It’s a small business, and my order arrived very quickly and included stickers!

      You fill the top bowl with water and the planter distributes it equally to all your plants, and the planting wells are deep enough for root vegetables. My turnips and beets are already sprouting!

      1. Coenobita*

        Holy cow, their planters look amazing! I have a sunny area on my front steps that is perfect for tomatoes/peppers/etc. but the footprint is tiny. This might be the solution I am looking for!

    7. Girasol*

      The local wisdom is to plant peas on St Patrick’s Day, and also lettuce, so I did. After such a long winter it’s great to be out in the sunshine puttering around in the garden.

    8. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain*

      My succulent containers are an overgrown mess (in a good way) and I’m slowly pruning, repotting and propagating. Now that it’s sunny and warm and I want to expand my collection. I think I’m going to give away a few of my echeverria pulvanata to free up more space/pots. I’m really hoping The Huntington Library and Gardens have their big cactus and succulent sale this year.

    9. Birder57*

      Found out yesterday that the only garden store that I know of that sells the official Disneyland rose bush just got some in. I’ll be driving 40 miles each way next week to pick up one in Costa Mesa, CA. I’ve never grown roses before so I hope I have success with it.

    10. BlueWolf*

      We had beautiful warm weather here today, and I finally was able to get to the local garden center. I filled up my new raised bed and planted out kale that I started indoors and also sowed seeds for lettuce, spinach, peas, and beets. I had hoped to do some of those earlier, but work and weather got in the way.

    11. Dino*

      It’s my annual “buy my succulents to replace the dead ones” weekend tradition. Living in the PNW means about a third of my succulents die over winter. Less if I take better care of them, but sadly this winter I couldn’t be bothered. So I’ve got some new ones and enjoying rebuilding my planters!

  16. The Other Dawn*

    Has anyone ever done a cross-country drive? Curious to hear how it went for you, where you visited, how long it took you, etc.

    I’m in New England. My husband and I are thinking about doing a drive from home to somewhere on the West coast in a couple years. I assume it would be maybe two weeks, though maybe more. We’ve always wanted to do it, but just never sat down to talk seriously about it. We enjoy history, nature (more like national parks, for example, not birding or fishing), and things like that. Las Vegas, of course. He loves classic cars. We wouldn’t enjoy art galleries or tons of shopping.

    1. GoryDetails*

      I haven’t done the entire country, but have been on a number of very long drives. When I was a kid (talking the early ’60s here) the folks would toss us into the back of the station wagon and hit the road for trips from Wyoming to the family home in Louisiana; those took two or three days of driving as the folks would take turns at the wheel, with one or two nights at motels to give everybody a break. [I think of those trips fondly, though of course having kids rattling around loose in the back of the car was not particularly safe. But if we’d had to sit strapped in side-by-side for all that time we might have throttled each other, so…]

      On my own, I drove from Wyoming to Louisiana for the last time (left my first job to try for something out east; met my father at his family place in Louisiana and then we drove to Connecticut together). My leg of the trip was… well, a study in highway hypnosis, I suspect! I drove a little Chevy Chevette then, no air conditioning or cruise control, manual transmission, and in summer the trip was not comfortable. I had to keep the windows open to stay remotely cool, and at one point put a bag of ice on the floor under my accelerator foot as the heat from the transmission was starting to be uncomfortable. (Little tiny car at highway speeds for many hours on end – not good.) Had my cassettes playing at top volume so I could hear over the rushing wind – lots of Springsteen and other pedal-to-the-metal numbers, meaning I really had to watch the speed limit, though the car couldn’t go *that* fast so I was OK. But I remember being very unwilling to *stop*, even when I needed a restroom break or gas or food; just wanted to keep on going…

      The shared leg of the trip was more comfortable, with some random “that looks interesting, let’s stop there” bits along the way. I do recommend a mix of planned stops and some leeway for impromptu ones.

      In recent years my longish trips have ranged from 3- to 4-hour multi-state drives to a full 10-hour trip that I managed in a day to avoid hotels, but that was pushing it. I like to mix in stops for hobbies (geocaching, checking out Little Free Libraries, visiting interesting brew-pubs or historical sites) with the actual driving, and in general I take things a lot easier now. But the internet does make it easier to change routes, seek local shelter if needed, modify plans, reservations, etc. remotely… very different from those early trips, where we were pretty much incommunicado for much of the time!

    2. Janet Pinkerton*

      My wife and I drove from Denver to the Mid-Atlantic this past fall! We did it too quickly, I think—we took five days. Our overnights were in Wichita, Little Rock, Nashville, and far southwestern VA. We also stopped in the geographic center of the US, Oklahoma City, and Memphis.

      The highlight of the trip (other than seeing friends along the way) was Oklahoma City thanks to Sam Anderson’s book Boom Town. I would definitely recommend reading about cities before going to them—it really added to our enjoyment. The other great joy was playing “weird stuff on trucks”. It wasn’t this trip, but I once saw three trucks in succession, each with a giant windmill blade being transported.

      Potential considerations: it’s expensive to rent a car and then drop it off elsewhere. There are large parts of the country where there’s really not much to see other than fields. I most enjoyed when we drove on US highways and state highways rather than on the interstate system (despite my love of the interstate system) because it’s just so much more interesting. It is physically challenging to sit for that long too.

      Overall I’m glad we did it. I don’t think I’d do it again, but I might if we stayed a few nights in several cities along the way.

    3. MINI Driver*

      Road trips are great. A week to go west and a week to go east is a minimum, though, and even at that you’ll spend a lot of time in the car.

      We drove from CO to NJ once, to start the 2012 MINI Takes the States cross-country drive (an event sponsored by MINI USA). We gave ourselves 3 days to get there. Drove one day to Omaha (and saw the Olympic swim trials that night), spent the next morning at the zoo, then drove to Ohio, spent the next morning at a historic site, then drove to NJ. And at that, we felt rushed. (By comparison, the actual MINI drive that we were going to, which was from NJ to LA that year, was 11 days just to go one way. But it did meander a bit.)

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Ah, MINI Takes the States! I’m a newish MINI owner and I haven’t yet gone on the trip because of the pandemic. I was hoping to this year now that it’s on, but with the ongoing hip and back issues, plus a concert planned in PA, I can’t do it.

        We’re thinking probably three weeks for a trip like this, and definitely not until my physical issues are taken care of. So maybe two years from now? I don’t know, but it gives us plenty of time to plan.

        1. MINI Driver*

          I think 3 weeks would be reasonable.

          We’ve had a MINI since 2002, and MINI Takes the States (and other MINI activities) is one of the best things! Sad that this year they are focusing solely on East Coast — just too far for us to drive over, do the event, and then drive home. We’ve taken part in a few cross-country MTTS where we can drive out a ways, do two or three legs, then drive home again in a reasonable time. And in 2018 they did an East Coast/West Coast joint start that ended practically in our backyard! We drove the last two legs, and then were home a couple of hours after the final rally.

          Hopefully there will be another MTTS in 2024, so maybe that one will work out for you.

    4. Jay*

      I’ve lost track – we’ve done it maybe five times? Much of the time we were just trying to get there as soon as we good (CO to upstate NY in three days). Five days is a minimum if you want to drive less than 1o-12 hours a day, so if you want to do any substantial sightseeing, two weeks may not be enough to get there and back. Random thoughts:

      If you can avoid the summer, that would be best because the major National Parks will be ridiculously and unpleasantly crowded when school is out. Yellowstone is a must-see in my opinion because there is nothing like it anywhere else. I also love Grand Teton and Glacier. Hoping to get to Bryce and Zion in the next couple of years – my husband has been and wants to go back. And Yosemite.

      For history, there are the Civil War battlefields, especially Gettysburg. The Civil Rights Museum in Memphis. The WWII Museum in New Orleans.

      If you’re going to Vegas, then think about Joshua Tree and Death Valley.

      1. OperaArt*

        I agree about avoiding summer. I used to work as a tour guide in a town with several tourist attractions. The best time to go through our site was the two weeks before Memorial Day and the two weeks after Labor Day. Everything around us was still open, but the crowds had died down.

    5. PostalMixup*

      When I was a kid, we drove from New Orleans to Phoenix. Our rules: no interstates, no national chain restaurants. Stop for historical markers and anything that catches your eye. My mom literally handed me a paper map (I was 13) and said “pick a route for us.” It was a blast!

    6. Falling Diphthong*

      I did this as a child and was too young to appreciate it. Now that it’s hypothetically interesting later in life, there are health and logistic reasons it’s not easy. Those disclaimers out of the way:

      The long views on the drives across western New Mexico wound up being a highlight of our trip west this fall. Long drives along the east coast tend to be lots of forest and just less interesting to me; this was different and beautiful and I really want to incorporate this into some future trips. (Also appreciated drives along the west coast oceanfront and through Oregon for beautiful scenery unlike home.)

      My advice is to look at stringing together some national parks (and maybe classic car shows or museums) you’d like to visit, and alternating long-haul travel days with explore-one-spot days. It helps to have days you aren’t just sitting in the car. Make sure there’s open time at regular intervals so you can seize any unexpectedly interesting finds and really enjoy them–we thought Petrified Forest National Park would be a couple of hours, and reluctantly exited after eight hours so we could make it to our next hotel at a not ridiculous hour. We detoured to a meteor crater we hadn’t planned on because my husband realized that it was something a coworker had described.

      Once you have a route, I’ve gotten good ideas with googling “Things to do in City.” It brought up botanical gardens we visited in Phoenix and Santa Fe, and stargazing at the Lowell Observatory in Flagstaff. (A plug for botanical gardens–they can be really good at guiding you to what to notice when hiking or driving through the surrounding area.)

    7. the cat's ass*

      Ive gone CC three times, the last two with cats, which made it a bit more complicated but still fun. First trip Boston to LA, hit a lot of National Parks and stayed in some campsites through out. That trip was R60 and the legendary R66! Took 10 days.
      Second trip LA to Boston 5 years later when I’d picked up a husband and two cats. We went through Santa Fe, Taos, Amarillo and then struck North through Niagra Falls and across NY to MA. We mostly arranged pet friendly hotels a day or two in advance. Took 2 weeks.
      Last trip Boston to SF, same husband and now three cats, spent a lot of time in Chicago and Mt Rushmore area. Went to the legendary Walls Drugs as well. National Geographic has a book about interesting things off the Interstates which can be fun in terms of planning.Took 16 days. Enjoy!

    9. Mephyle*

      About 10 years ago my adult daughter had to move her household goods from Colorado back to Ontario (Canada). Her mother-in-law lent her a pickup truck for her things but she had no one to accompany her on the road until I volunteered. We drove Highway 80 from Nebraska to Michigan. It was the so-called flyover states; boring, right?
      Not at all; it was the most fascinating trip and I wish we could have spent five times as long so as to see everything. We traversed Nebraska, Iowa, Illinois, and lower Michigan. Some of the highlights for us that we will never forget were the International Quilt Museum and the state capitol building in Lincoln NE, the train and city history museum in Omaha, and several wonderful artisan chocolate shops in Michigan, among others (the Pony Express Museum in Gothenburg, a meditation maze at a church in North Platte, a vegan restaurant in Omaha that used to be a gas station on the main east–west highway where everybody who was anybody used to stop in the 1930s – according to the local history the owner told us…) . But there were quite a few more very interesting-looking places on my list that we didn’t have time to visit!
      I made my list by looking up the places on our route on TripAdvisor and checking the “Things To Do” tab, and Atlas Obscura. So these are some resources that I’d recommend checking whatever your route.

    10. Rara Avis*

      Yes, moved from CT to CA, from CA to FL, from FL to CA. Each time the purpose of the trip was not vacationing, but we did some cool stops. First trip highlights: Grand Canyon, 4 corners, Mesa Verde. On the other two trips we did one tourist stop a day, but they mostly weren’t planned — we’d see a road sign, say that sounds interesting, and have a little adventure. (This is pre-cell phone.)

    11. Salymander*

      I did a cross country trip with my boyfriend (now husband) after university. We lived out of the car and camped most nights, staying at national parks along the way. We started in Northern California and ended up in North Carolina where we stayed for about 5 or 6 weeks before driving back by a different route. Basically, we drove in a big oval shaped path around the country. It took months, but neither of us had a job at the time and we didn’t have anywhere to be. We had saved a little money and we just kept going until it ran out. We visited a bunch of historical landmarks and did a lot of hiking. We would spend 1-2 weeks in each national park that had good camping facilities. Glacier National Park and Rocky Mountain National Park were my favorite parks out of all of them, but we visited a lot more. We spent a few nights in the car, and many nights at other camping spots. During the trip we only spent one night in a motel the whole time, and had only one meal in a restaurant per week as a treat. We each brought several nonfiction books as well as novels, and I brought a few knitting projects. It is good to have something to do so that you aren’t breathing down your travel partner’s neck the entire time. We also brought some good field guides for identifying plants and wildlife. We were hoping to see all the big mammals, and we did see every one except wolves. We even saw a huge male grizzly bear. It was running across a meadow, headed the same direction we were. We watched it run, and then we went back the opposite way. It was a really big bear.

    12. Sleeping Late Every Day*

      I’d do three weeks. I live in the Midwest, and our road trips to either coast are at least two weeks. You can do it in two weeks, but it won’t allow you time to explore the areas you want to. We do a lot of road trips, and we’ll pick out places we want to see and plan a not-too-rigid route and itinerary, which for us includes indoor and open-air museums, national and state parks, historic sites, and scenic routes. We only make lodging reservations if we’re planning to stay several days in one place, or if it’s super-touristy – but when we went to the Grand Canyon, we called from Tuscon just a few days ahead of time (that’s where leaving flexibility in your plans is great, because we hadn’t planned on seeing the Grand Canyon that year). I have nearly as much fun planning our trips as I do once we’re on the road!

    14. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain*

      Not all the way across…Los Angeles to Green Bay Wisconsin and back. I took the southern route out…interstate 40 or 41 I think…the original route 66 was decommissioned in 1985 and or around there but the interstate still runs parallel mostly so I drove that eastward until I reached Chicago, and then whatever highway up to GB. Coming home, I took the northern route…80? I think. OMG that was desolate until I reached Colorado. I’m sure the midwest is a nice place, but how do you all live where the tallest landmark is the town watertower? I need mountains!…hills!…something! I really enjoyed it but I should have stopped more often than I did.

      1. Mephyle*

        “Thank you for your concern” is a useful catch-all “bless your heart” response for a lot of unwanted advice, and it could do for this. Even if it’s the fifth time you say it to the same person.

          1. Mephyle*

            Sorry for the nonsense comments above, I’m still trying to sort out my so not helpful fill-in-the-fields app.
            What I wanted to say was that the Chicago to Colorado on Highway 80 part of this trip was (in reverse) the same trip I mentioned farther above, that I found so fascinating and wished I would have had much more time to explore. Different strokes for different folks!

    15. ronda*

      I drove with my sister from dalton ga to olympia wa in 6 days. we did stop in LA for a day to visit with relatives. we didnt do much stopping but did see the petrified forest and that meteor crater someone else mentioned. my sis only had 2 weeks off and was flying back. I was moving to olympia.

      We were all on interstates, but didnt drive too late in the evening.
      google maps tells me that it is 49hours of driving dalton to LA to Olympia.

    16. osmoglossum*

      First, trust me, two weeks will not be enough time to do round trip driving and have time to stop and explore — if that’s all the time you have then you ought to look into renting a car that you can drop off at your west coast destination and fly back east. Whatever you do, avoid I-80 at all costs. It’s a nightmare of an interstate.

      If you have a local AAA office, the travel advisors can be a wealth of helpful information. In the fall of 2008 I drove from San Francisco to NY — since I was relocating I gave myself the gift of a leisurely road trip. My local AAA travel advisor was awesome and knew a lot about historic sites all over the country and made suggestions on different routes I could take depending on my interests as well as suggestions as to what to see. I spent 5 weeks on the road and drove about 6,000 miles — my only definite stops were friends I wanted to visit in Tucson, College Station, TX and New Orleans, otherwise I stayed as open as possible to whatever struck me as interesting. A few of the major highlights were the Grand Canyon, the Bat Flight program at Carlsbad Caverns NP in New Mexico and driving the Natchez Trace Parkway from end to end (MS to TN).

    17. Longtime Lurker*

      I drove around the country back in the early 90’s, pre-internet, pre-cell phone, by myself. 6 weeks in a Miata. Definitely get the annual pass for national parks, visit a lot of them, and try to not over prepare – be surprised by the beauty that is there and not be disappointed by things not looking quite as fabulous as they do in the advertising and tour guides (where the colors are always vibrant, the sun is shining, and views are never blocked by all the other visitors!). I tried to eat local for dinner but usually filled up on a Denny’s breakfast so I could get away with two meals a day and save money- hey, I was in my 20s!

    18. Off My Lawn, You Must Get*

      In 2017, I took two weeks to go from Seattle to Boston, one way. I felt like I was always running late, so if you get the chance to take more time, do so.
      For me, the things I looked at were: out of the way history bits (the Herbert Hoover National Historic Site and the Amana Colonies in Iowa) and fun bits from movies that I love (such when I was in Chicago, I saw several locations from the Blues Brothers and the high schools from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off and Breakfast Club.)
      My rule of thumb was: the more likely I would be to visit the area again, the fewer stops, and vice versa. I never need to go to South Dakota again (seriously, Rushmore and Crazy Horse are not worth it), so I hit lots of places. Chicago, I will definitely visit again, so only a few bits.
      One final note on Vegas. People call it “the adult Disneyland.” This doesn’t mean a fun house where people run wild. Please approach this from the perspective of “Disneyland is designed to suck every last penny from your wallet all while entertaining you.” That said, I cannot recommend the Lost Spirits Distillery tour any higher. It was the highpoint of our trip to Vegas in February.

      1. Off My Lawn, You Must Get*

        Reading through the other comments: Oh YES! I never ate at a single chain restaurant. Always look for the local mom and pop places. (See also: Road Food dot com). In Chicago, I had a cheese steak the size of a baby’s arm, fries, and a liter of soda pop for $10.

  17. Doggie Thread*

    Anyone want to share doggie updates? How are the pups this week?

    As for me, my good boy has put me in a panic this week because his weight is inexplicably down from a vet visit just two weeks ago, where it was down from his weight a month ago. The vet thinks it’s possible his food allergies are preventing him from absorbing his food properly, so we’ve added an extra meal a day of rice and egg and supplements. He’s a big boy and eats a lot – and I admit, I’m trying to finish the expensive bag of food I have before buying an even more expensive bag of food. I knew having a big dog was going to be expensive but I really underestimated *how* expensive!

    1. Generic Name*

      My pup is enjoying the *slightly* warmer weather. It’s in the 40s outside and melting snow everywhere, and she’s happy as a clam outside. I know so many dog owners who’s dogs have similar issues with allergies or needing a special diet. I’m very thankful she does just fine with Iams or purina food.

    2. FACS*

      Best Old Dog will be 17 in July. He sleeps a lot but still runs around. He is under my feet now. My elderly father worries that he will be lonely when my husband and I are both at work (we have odd schedules), so the dog does go to daycare with my folks. He takes medicine for his arthritis and apparently he only likes one brand of hot dogs to hide the meds in, so we get the fancy dogs. For the dog.

      1. Tea and Cake*

        Sometimes my cat goes on hunger strikes from her wet food. She’s 17, and can be very stubborn, but always adorable. When she has gone two or three days refusing the wet food, we buy her a roast chicken (her favorite thing ever) and cut it up into tiny bits for several days of food, and almost every time the cashier will comment on how convenient the roast chickens are. I never know what to say because “It’s for my stubborn cat” just sounds ridiculous in my head.

    3. A. Ham*

      my poor, dumb, almost 12 year old dog (who, considering age, is in very good health *knock on wood*) went beyond her geriatric physical abilities and ran after a rabbit in out backyard this week. Of course she managed to hurt herself and limps around looking sorry for herself. Vet said it was totally minor and to just have her rest for a few days. good luck with that! she still wants to jump on and off the couch and run down the stairs. we keep an eye on her and try to stop her from doing dumb things but we have not been 100% successful. Thankfully, even with all that, the limp is now almost completely gone, so she is on the mend. :-)

    4. Smol Book Wizard*

      Lancer is just about 8 months and 80lb now, bless him. I hope he won’t get any bigger, or he’ll be even harder to clean. I washed about half the park off him this morning in the bathtub…we got muddy while chasing friends, a favorite sport of ours.
      I really do want to get him a friend, and this is partly also because I miss having a lapdog (the poodle lives with my brother because she tries to hunt our parrots endlessly). Anyone have stories of adding Dogs the Second? Or recommendations for little dog breeds that play like big dogs, haha?

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        When Elder Statesdog Gone Beyond was 7, I brought home an 8 week old puppy who became my Junior Ambassador. Elder Statesdog (who went beyond back in September) was about the absolute most chillest specimen ever, and she was cuddling Junior Ambassador before the sun came up the next day. (Literally, I looked down under my desk at 6am and the two of them were curled up snuggling together on the dog bed under the corner of the desk.) So the adding of second dog was totally painless that time.

        Junior Ambassador is now 7, and coming up here at the end of April, I will be bringing home an 8 week old horse puppy. Junior Ambassador is NOT the absolute most chillest specimen ever, so I’m not expecting it to go quite as effortlessly, but I am crossing my fingers for good outcomes. (And I need to refigure my titles :P Junior Ambassador will get a promotion to Senior, I think, and horse puppy may become an attache of sorts :) )

        As far as lap dogs that play like big dogs — Junior Ambassador is a 50 pound boxer mix, and I always assumed that she’d eventually get too big to fit in my lap, but we haven’t found that to be the case so far. :)

        1. Haha Lala*

          Chiming in late because I can’t help with doggo threads!
          I had to put down my Big Dog last month, 10 months after being given a 6 month cancer prognosis. He was a 50# boxer mix too, and he was definitely a lap dog for all 10 years we spent together. Luckily he took to sitting right next to and leaning into me, so that made it a little more comfortable for everyone!

          My Little Dog is a 25# ish dachsund mix– but she thinks she’s much bigger. She was a foster fail, and I decided to keep her when I kept finding her snuggled up to my Big Dog, who never let other dogs snuggle with him until her. She’s also a definitely a lap dog and loves to burrow under the blankets. And she plays like crazy with every foster dog we have through our house!

          I’ve fostered a lot of pups, and I always tell families looking for dog #2 that the people don’t get to pick dog#2, the dog#1 does. I’ve seen so many dogs returned/surrendered because the people tried to force a bad fit of new dogs.

  18. Llellayena*

    House hunting thread! Commiserate over your adventures in what I have recently seen described as a life size game of Hungry, Hungry Hippo!

    I just lost out on a house that I thought I had a great shot at. Was able to offer over asking, met the owner and gushed over his strawberry patch, offered that he could come back to pick the strawberries. But no…someone else had a stronger offer. There’s one in my ideal location coming on market in 3 weeks…but that’s 3 weeks away! Gah!

    1. Falling Diphthong*

      We’re thinking of moving (kids up and out, house has low ceilings that only a major rebuild would fix) and I am stressed at the prospect of trying to find a new small house that a dozen other people don’t grab with sky-high offers.

    2. Ashloo*

      We bought in 2020 and I thought it was bad then. It’s far worse now! I honestly hate our house so my only advice would be to not settle or jump on just anything because of low inventory. Wishing you the very best luck!

      1. Sloanicota*

        I think this all the time as I listen to my friends agonize. This market is so, so tough here – people are making offers sight unseen, waiving contingencies, etc etc – that it is just begging people to get swept up and make decisions they’re going to regret. But being stuck having overpaid for a house you don’t really want (bad commute, wrong layout for your family, crappy neighborhood) would be so, so stressful – and that’s before you even get into the unthinkably expensive repairs that some of these places are probably hiding! It sucks to miss out but it’s not worse than ending up with the wrong thing.

    3. BalanceofThemis*

      I recently lost out on two houses that I thought I had a shot at. I put in very strong offers, well over asking, and even offered cash over appraisal on one, but still got beat.

      Good luck from a fellow hippo.

    4. Sloanicota*

      I keep hearing of friends losing out to all-cash offers in our market, which is really tough; I assume that means either flippers or corporations are involved. I don’t see how regular people could ever offer an all cash. Then I was saddened this week to get an email from a popular home buying website (the one I bought my house with) indicating that they would make all-cash offers within a certain range and you could choose your closing date. I assume that would be attractive to a lot of sellers in the same way that buying a car online appeals – even if you don’t get the best deal, avoiding hassle is worth a lot. I assume they’re targeting low hanging fruit with these types of offers, and it’s just going to shut even more home buyers out of what would otherwise be great opportunities for them. Boo.

      1. BalanceofThemis*

        My brother is in real estate, and yeah, a lot of cash is coming from corporations, specifically property management companies looking for rental income. But there are some very wealthy people out there, or groups if wealthy people, putting un cash offers. Another source of cash is apparently foreign governments looking for new investments.

    5. Won't Get Fooled Again. Maybe.*

      We just sold a house in the Midwest that we flipped and, obviously, the timing couldn’t have been better. For us. A year ago, this house would have maybe sold for 185K. We accepted a cash offer of $225 but had other non-cash offers of $235K.

    6. Dark Macadamia*

      We’ve toured 38 houses in the past 11 months and made 3.5 offers (one house was snapped up before the review date as we were working on our offer). A couple I’m glad we didn’t end up with but there’s one I’m still sad about. There are way fewer listings in our area right now than there were when we started and they’re all either extremely expensive fixer-uppers or nice enough that we can’t afford a competitive offer. It’s really depressing.

    7. Sundial*

      I want a house in the woods. Not a cabin retreat, just a regular house on a lot that wasn’t clear-cut before building. I’m not finding an option to search for that, only vacation cabins. Frustrating because I can’t drive around the areas I like looking for these types of houses, since what I want is isolated and hidden from the roads (and from Google satellite).

      1. Retired (but not really)*

        I would suggest you look in the east Texas area. Are you wanting acreage or smaller 1-2 acre spots? My daughter and I each have that type of spot. I have a two bedroom cabin plus a “garden shed” (sewing room) on mine and she has a single wide mobile home on hers.

        1. Sundial*

          I appreciate the input, but I’m a childfree woman, and there’s no way in Hades I’d risk getting legally trapped into parenthood by living in Texas. New England is more my type of place.

    8. Squirrel Nutkin*

      Depending on where you are, you might be able to put in a bid that has an escalation clause (like you’re willing to pay $5000 over the current highest bid). Only do this if you can really afford that, though.

      1. Llellayena*

        Tried that on one, but still got beat out by a higher offer. Unfortunately, what I need in a space and what I can afford in this market are too close to leave me much wiggle room.

      2. Dark Macadamia*

        My impression is that this is basically standard practice, at least in my area right now. It doesn’t really help when everyone is doing it and houses are regularly going for 20-30% over list price

    9. Filosofickle*

      My head shaker: Listed on Friday, I went at the start of the first open on Saturday. The agent said there was already an offer on the table and pushed into making our own that afternoon, a hoop we jumped through. Said my offer was great and they’d share both with the sellers that night and give us the thumbs up/down, so we didn’t put in an expiration time on the offer. I had a good shot! Only two offers! But then (we believe) they “shopped” my offer, extending the decision to the next day to get a couple more offers leveraging mine. So when I didn’t get the house, I assumed the winning bid was substantially better and I kept an eye out to see what it sold for. Guess what? It sold for exactly what I offered, which was not a round number so it is definitely possible the winning buyer was given the number to match. My offer had no contingencies and even free rent back for a month. Very strong lending position. So they must have offered something else — a lower commission, maybe a cash offer or an inside relationship. No idea. I was gutted.

      Unfortunately in the past two months prices have surged badly so it feels like that was my last chance. That’s probably not true but I was already barely able to squeak in and another 10% bump in pricing plus higher interest rates means I’m having to seriously reset and reconsider. :(

    10. Golden*

      We were stuck between buying and staying in our (beloved) apartment another year, so had been house hunting until our landlord offered us a great rate to stay. Bless him!

      Until the lease is signed we’ve still been looking just in case, and found an awesome one last week during an open house. We didn’t make an offer, and I think it’s status on Zillow is pending now. There was a group of about 8 very obnoxious adults at the open house, and I hope it wasn’t them that won the bid lol, but I’m hoping whoever gets to live there will enjoy it. Anybody got any predictions of what the market will look like about this time next year?

    11. Cedrus Libani*

      This hippo is getting a bit hangry, not gonna lie. We’ve been looking for about a year. Part of the problem is me. I can’t drive, so I really want to be within a ~15 minute walk of transit. He’s a musician, so he really wants an enormous living room that can hold normal living room stuff and also his music stuff, preferably without shared walls so he can make noise at all hours. We’re both ferociously risk-averse, so ideally we’d be able to pay the mortgage on one person’s income if necessary. This is basically a unicorn.

      It’s just barely possible if we’re willing to take on a fixer-upper – not the kind where you take out old carpet or whatever, the ones where you practically have to rebuild the sucker. But that sounds like a part-time job, and frankly I don’t want it. It’s also just barely possible if we’re willing to take on a multi-unit property and rent out the space we’re not using. But that also sounds like a part-time job, and I want that one even less. The other option is to spend more money, but that has its own complications.

    12. Camelid coordinator*

      I hope you don’t mind my jumping in from the other side! We had an open house for our townhouse yesterday, and I hope we get some good offers. It’s been a ton of effort to get this far, and I am not enjoying all of the uncertainty. One good thing is that I am super-busy today, so I won’t have a lot of time to stress about whether anyone will buy (and love) our house.

  19. Alice*

    Do you think my expectations are reasonable?
    I was notified of a COVID exposure by contact tracers last week. Because of the notification details, I know who the person was. That person hasn’t told me anything themselves. I am not planning to talk to them about it, but internally I am upset that this person didn’t tell me themself, faster.
    Based on the situation at our school (what counts as exposure, free test availability and turnaround time), I know that this person either got a positive test result no later than Saturday, or started having symptoms no later than Friday (and could have gotten a free test that day, with results the next day).
    This person emailed me on Sunday but didn’t mention having COVID and potentially having been contagious when we saw each other. At some point (I don’t know when) they told the contact tracers that we had been in contact, and I got an official notification on Tuesday.
    I’m upset because I was taking care of my nieces (who are too young to be vaccinated) on Sunday — that is, after the person knew or should/could have known they were positive, and before I was informed. If I had known I had been exposed, I could have talked with my brother about whether he could make different plans; he and SIL are super careful. Luckily we were mostly outside. Also luckily, I remain negative.
    I don’t know if the delay in telling me was actually the person’s fault — maybe they told the contact tracing team my info very soon after learning they were positive, and the delay happened at the contact tracing team.
    Is it unreasonable to expect that an acquaintance who knows your contact info should tell you asap if they find out that they may have exposed you to COVID? I know stigma is a thing but I would be so upset if I had brought it to my nieces, especially since the older one is SO CLOSE to vaccination.
    One more piece of info: the person didn’t know that I was baby-sitting young kids.

    1. Cocafonix*

      It’s reasonable to expect a heads up, and it would have been the right thing for your acquaintance to do. But they probably thought they did via contact tracers, so I’d cut them some slack. Because they did inform you, just not in the timeframe that met the bar for you. Some people get a visceral negative reaction when they tell people, so that’s the benefit of doing your duty through contact tracing. In my area, contact tracing has gone by the wayside, so I would be annoyed if covid positive acquaintances fail to tell me that I’d been exposed. This because I would never otherwise know to take precautions unless I become sick. If they exposed me knowingly, that friendship/acquaintanceship would abruptly end.

      1. Alice*

        I definitely have no suggestion that this person exposed me knowingly! But the whole saga is making me think that, if exposures are still happening and not being acted on in a reasonable time frame – at a college that says it is putting a ton of resources into it’s response, and certainly the testing is free and convenient and fast – then how are we ever going to turn the corner? Then I imagine if I had to schedule testing at a pharmacy instead of my school… And some places don’t have PCR testing available at all :(

        1. pancakes*

          Of course exposures are still happening. Of course a general announcement that the college “is putting a ton of resources” into testing, etc., isn’t a guarantee that you will not be exposed to the virus. I can certainly understand being upset, but try to keep a sense of perspective about what is and isn’t realistic to believe.

          1. Alice*

            Of course I don’t think that resources prevent exposures. I think that if a well-resourced school is struggling with the caseload such that a positive test result on Saturday doesn’t generate a contact notification until Wednesday, there is a problem.

            1. Alice*

              Whoops, I lost track, it was test results Sat, contact notification on Tuesday (not Wednesday).

              1. pancakes*

                There is a problem of this nature pretty much everywhere! I don’t know how anyone could look at the way we’ve collectively handled the pandemic and think that public health resources in the US are reliably top-notch, or that contact tracing is generally super diligent and error-free.

    2. Barb*

      Are you vaccinated and if yes does the infected person know it?
      My understanding is that vaccinated people still don’t have to quarantine so they might have thought it wasn’t urgent to tell you before the contact tracers did.

      Everything about this virus has become so fraught
      Maybe they already had a lot of unpleasant conversations with other contacts and were afraid of more, again leaving it to the contact tracers

      1. Alice*

        Current CDC guidance is that if you are vaxxed and boosted (as I am, and the person didn’t know for sure but could guess because of our school’s mandate), then you don’t need to *quarantine* because of an exposure, but you *are* supposed to wear masks around other people for 10 days and get tested after 5 days. So, you are right that quarantine isn’t required but there are still some actions that the contacts are supposed to take.

    3. Dark Macadamia*

      I would be upset but it’s not necessarily reasonable. I’m still angry with someone who exposed my family in January (they’d gotten tested but didn’t have results yet, and did wear a mask around us… but didn’t tell us they were waiting on results until after they arrived). I wish I could get over it but this is a big deal, especially with kids involved and even if they felt they had done their best.

      1. Alice*

        TBH I think your friend was worse than my friend. At least, I don’t know when my friend got tested but I have no reason to think they suspected they were sick at the time of our meetup.

    4. Granger Chase*

      It’s okay to be upset, and it’s also okay if you feel you need to take some time away from the friendship for a bit to process on your feelings about the situation. If you expose someone you know to Covid, they deserve to hear that from you personally instead of waiting on contact tracers to do it for you. I believe they should’ve let you know as soon as they had suspicions they might be positive (whether from having symptoms on themselves to being in close contact with someone else who was positive).

      Although I’ll admit this is coming from someone who has become a lot less charitable about forgiving people who have exposed me to Covid and not said anything directly to me about it until several days after they found out they had it. After two years of this pandemic, I was hoping people would be more proactive in letting others know they might be infected so they could take extra precautions and get tested.

      1. Alice*

        That’s exactly my thinking! If we can’t depend on contact tracing to function effectively (which means quickly) then I think people have a responsibility to their friends to do what they can as individuals. I mean, ok, a normal person doesn’t have a way to track down the stranger sitting next to you on the bus yesterday, so you have to rely on contact tracers or apps for that, but if you have their contact info, use it!

    5. Anonosaurus*

      I don’t think you are being unreasonable, but I can also understand your friend being reluctant to mention it. I’ve been in situations where I saw someone, then the next day felt like I had symptoms and went for a PCR test – and I’ve never been sure whether I should tell my contact that I’ve gotten a PCR until I know the result, since it’s not confirmed. And in all such situations, the test has been negative. I know it’s not the same situation, I’m just saying that there can be some difficult judgements to make. And I guess also we have contact tracing for a reason and the person thought it better to leave them to deal with it. I’ve been told by friends directly they’ve tested positive (and so I needed to test) and while it’s been ok, I can also see it being a very difficult conversation in some situations, especially when you have different approaches to mitigation etc.

      1. Alice*

        It’s definitely helping me to reframe things as “my friend thought the contact tracing team had it covered” instead of “my ‘friend’ DNGAF about my nieces.”

    6. RagingADHD*

      I think you are making a lot of assumptions about what this person should/could have known, and really blurring the lines between what you know or don’t know, and who is responsible for managing your personal risks and worries.

      It’s pollen season, and a lot of people are doing daily calculus about whether this itchy nose/throat or that sneeze is an allergy or a germ. If everyone were testing daily for the least sniff, we’d be back in weeklong waits and test shortages.

      You cannot know exactly when they showed symptoms, when those symptoms were clearly not allergies, and exactly how long it took them to get their results and pass the info along. You think you know how it must be, but you can’t.

      OTOH, you knew you were going to be caregiving littles, and your friend didn’t.

      If the friend followed protocol about contact tracing (which apparently they did,) further expectations are excessive.

      The contact tracers exist precisely so that people don’t have to personally call every single person they may have been within 6 feet of.

      We are in a state of community transmission, and have been for a long time now. Most cases are totally asymptomatic, and therefore most people who spread it never knew they had it in the first place.

      You should assume that everyone you come in contact with is potentially positive, all the time. That includes yourself. If you feel that you need to take extra precautions beyond your vaccinations in order to protect a vulnerable person, then you should take those precautions regardless of whether you’ve been notified.

      When / if you catch it, you probably won’t even get a notification, because you are most likely to catch it from someone who never knew themselves.

      Since you aren’t sick and nobody you potentially exposed got sick either, it sounds like the friend responded appropriately to the risk.

      1. Alice*

        Well, I do know what “counts” as the contagious period, for the purpose of contact tracing at my school, and so I know the timing of either their test sample collection or the onset of symptoms.
        But you are right that there are a lot of unknowns, and that everyone and every indoor space presents a risk. And you are right that nothing bad happened as a result. Well, nothing bad happened to me/my nieces, and I haven’t heard that anything bad happened with my friend’s case, so fingers crossed.

    7. SmoothViolet*

      I’ve had covid, and I’m a very conscientious person. I have followed all the rules the whole way through the pandemic.

      But for context, when I actually got covid, it took me several days to realise I should notify people. I know that sounds crazy. But my thoughts were completely maxed out with the following:

      a) realising we had to isolate
      b) securing food for isolation
      c) looking after very sick children
      d) having brain fog combined with a panic response
      e) feeling sick enough myself to be sleeping most of the day and on constant paracetamol
      f) acquiring more medicine and electrolytes

      It was a few days more before I remembered to check if contact tracers had done their job and notified others.

      I hope that helps give you context. (We’re all fine now.)

    8. Kay*

      If I’m reading this correctly, your friend either knew they had covid or had symptoms enough that would make them test for covid – before they met with you. In my opinion, if you are concerned enough to get a test, you should be concerned enough not to be socializing (and obviously not if they had already tested positive!).

      My personal protocol has been to overly disclose, and at least give the other person the information they need to make a decision. If someone decided I didn’t deserve that same respect, I would be questioning our friendship.

      1. Lasslisa*

        Even if that was the test timeline, it could have been routine testing for another purpose, such as for travel or school, and the person may not have felt sick in any way.

        1. Alice*

          Lasslisa is right, it may well have been a regular scheduled surveillance test (we do that weekly at our school, we are lucky).

    9. Lasslisa*

      I know I have been surprised how slow the contract tracing at my work has been. At one point they waited three days for a PCR result before initiating tracing, even though the person in question was symptomatic, known exposed, and had even tested positive on a rapid test. I would never have expected that delay, if it were me.

  20. Emily Elizabeth*

    Any tips on both logistically and ethically hiring a regular cleaning service? I feel a lot of weird feelings of guilt wrapped up in it but my partner and I have decided outsourcing cleaning would make so many parts of life better. We are younger and live in an apartment so I’ve never hired any kind of worker for the house before. Where should I start looking and what things should I keep in mind?

    1. Sloanicota*

      I have heard it is more ethical to hire a cleaner you pay directly, versus a cleaning service that presumably pays their workers very little (minimum wage). You can also then ensure you have a kind relationship with this person and treat them well. I am not positive how people find individuals – word of mouth? Finally I would assume that paying properly and not under the table is more ethical although I know sometimes the individual requests being paid under the table, which is thorny.

      1. The Cosmic Avenger*

        Yes, someone who owns their own service and does all the cleaning, or is part of the small crew they manage, is likely to give those people a better wage. The best ones, like many services, may be very busy, so after you ask around for recommendations, be prepared to wait quite a while for an opening for the best service or to pay more than other quotes. (Service providers who have more job requests than they can fill may charge more than the “market rate”.)
        The biggest drawback to that is that they may not be available if they go on vacation or become ill, since there may be no one to fill in for them, like there is when a company has multiple crews. And to assuage your feelings of inequity, consider how you’ll handle these types of hiccups: we told our cleaner to skip us and paid her for her scheduled visits during the early months of COVID, and also when she needed back surgery. (She does all the cleaning herself, but also uses a business name, so may have an LLC or S-corp.) You’re not an employer like you would be with an au pair, you’re one customer paying for a service just like a plumber or electrician, so IMO none of the responsibility for taxes is on you (unless they make a snide joke about not being a sucker who pays taxes or something like that), but we decided we didn’t want her small business to go under, and we do like her.

        1. Jay*

          Our cleaner sets her own schedule and uses her own supplies, so she’s an independent contractor and we do not have to deal with payroll taxes.

    2. Jay*

      We used a service that was locally owned and provided benefits to their staff. As a result, I paid close to twice what some of my friends were paying. The company didn’t survive the pandemic but the woman who was our usual cleaner is now in business for herself and we’re paying her directly. I’m still paying the same amount, which is OK with me. I don’t have an issue with ethics in paying someone to clean my house in general; I do worry about patronizing a company that exploits its employees and prefer to deal directly with someone.

    3. Texan In Exile*

      No guilt. You are paying someone to do honest work. You do it ethically by paying a fair wage.

      I agree about hiring someone directly. I would suggest asking how your cleaning person will keep her little girl, whom she brings with her because otherwise, who will watch her, from getting to the pens on your desk and then coloring all over your white sofa. :)

    4. UKDancer*

      Cleaning is wonderful and improves my quality of life significantly. I use a service because it works better but I checked to ensure they treat their cleaners fairly and pay them the London living wage. I wouldn’t pay someone under the counter because I don’t think that’s the right thing to do.

      When they come I treat my cleaner with respect, give her a cup of tea, thank her for her work and give her a positive review for her work because that gets her a bonus from the cleaning service. If I want something done differently or in a particular way I am clear about what I need and why. Also I move stuff out of the way and tidy up in advance so she can clean and not have to spend her time tidying up my stuff.

    5. Not A Manager*

      I don’t think it’s unethical to hire someone to do work that you are unable or unwilling to do yourself. That’s how labor is exchanged for money in our society. I think it’s unethical to exploit people because of unequal bargaining power or to be rude to them because of some perceived status difference between you.

      So long as you provide a fair wage and decent working conditions, and treat the person with normal human dignity, then I think it’s better for both parties if you trade your money for their professional expertise.

      In terms of logistics, I’d use word of mouth and local social media apps to get a personal recommendation. If that doesn’t work, I’d use a placement agency to hire a person directly (you and probably they pay a one month fee to the service, but they are your direct employee).

      The reason to use a cleaning service is if you want to be completely arms-length from the staff. Theoretically, the service provides a cleaner at the agreed time without you having to worry about one particular person being sick or not showing up, etc., if someone disappoints you can ask for a different cleaner, the service pays their taxes and sometimes provides transportation and supplies. The downside is that the workers are probably being seriously exploited and you’re probably being overcharged for what you get.

    6. Cocafonix*

      When I first moved in with my boyfriend, now husband, I told him that if he does the cooking, which he loves, I would take care of all the weekly cleaning and all the laundry and we can share day to day tidying stuff. His eyes bulged at his good fortune and I’ve paid a weekly cleaner ever since. I did it for marital harmony. We can have people over (notwithstanding plague) anytime with no notice. And I cherish our independent cleaner. Sadly I was the only one of her clients who continued to pay her during lockdown. Not sure where guilt comes in when you’re part of providing meaningful and fair employment for someone.

    7. Autumn*

      We have a small family business (the owner is often part of the cleaning team) come every other week. Having to tidy up ahead of their visits keeps the house in a pretty good, livable state – they just do literal cleaning. It really is so helpful, and removes some of the stress of living with someone whose definition of clean might not exactly match your own. We both work demanding jobs and have pretty intense, time-consuming hobbies, and they help make all that possible. People need to work and we are lucky enough to be able to employ them. Like Cosmic Avenger we paid them through the early days of the pandemic even though they didn’t come, because we could, we like them and we want the business to survive. The work is not shameful for them to do or for you to decide you need done. It’s a business relationship, and a lot of the usual AAM advice applies. Be respectful, understand the scope of what you expect of each other, don’t burden them with your private emotions, and you’ll be fine! I will say, there is always the chance that they will break something, it’s just a risk and something you will need to be gracious about if it happens (unless there’s a pattern). Anything truly irreplaceable should be someplace really safe though.

    8. Squirrel Nutkin*

      My mom gave our housekeeper regular raises and a yearly bonus of an extra two weeks’ pay, and when our housekeeper fell and got injured on our property, my mom paid for all her medical bills and her regular salary until she was able to work again. (Mom probably should have paid her a lot more than that for the injury, as she wasn’t able to work for her other clients either for a while and kindly didn’t sue us.) Since my mom knew some of the other folks our housekeeper worked for, my mom would call them up whenever she was going to give our housekeeper a raise and encourage them to do the same.

      This is not everyone’s MO, and I can see how it could go wrong in some cases, but my mom loved to make friends, and she and our housekeeper became extremely friendly over the decades, having lunch together and chatting on our housekeeper’s workday.

    9. Jane*

      If you can find someone who owns their own business, I don’t think it’s unethical at all.

      My aunt started her own cleaning business when she wanted to have a more flexible schedule and she sets her own prices, schedule, and decides which clients she wants to take on. She also decides what she will and won’t do – for example, some cleaners will do the dishes and laundry while they’re there but others won’t. Some will tidy before cleaning while others prefer you to pick up everything as much as possible before they get there. You can discuss when you set it up. Honestly, the cleaning business my aunt has always sounded like a great job to me.

      She started this back in the 90s with newspaper ads and I think personal ads might still be a good way of finding the old school smaller cleaning businesses. Also, word-of-mouth if you ask around or Yelp – but know that smaller businesses might not have the overhead to have their own website.

      The pricing will be according to # of rooms and how far away you are, and how often they come (they charge more if they only come once a month, for example, because there’s usually more to clean the longer you go). Her clients usually give her a tip / gift of cookies, etc around the holidays but other than that I don’t believe they tip every time, because, again, she sets the prices. In the US, I don’t think it’s customary to sit and have a drink together – usually they want to finish as quickly as possible and move on to the next house.

    10. Emily Elizabeth*

      Thank you all so much for the insights so far! Should have clarified more – the guilt is more for deciding to finally outsource the cleaning, the good old combo of gendered division of labor/you should be able to do it all/bootstraps etc. This might be a basic/silly question but another thought I have – while the cleaner is working should you try to leave the house or just stay and move around so they can get everywhere?

      1. Observer*

        Stay in the house. There is no reason to leave. Just make it clear that you can leave the room they are working in so they can work freely.

      2. UKDancer*

        I stay in the flat. What I do is work in the lounge while she’s doing the rest of the flat then move into the bedroom while she does the lounge. This seems to work quite well. I wouldn’t leave the flat because I am needing to work while she’s there but I don’t want to get in the way or for her to feel like I’m watching her. This seems like the best solution.

      3. Accountant*

        We usually stay in the house, although partially that’s because they come on a workday and we’re fully remote. We just stay in one room downstairs until they finish upstairs and then move.

        In general, just remember it’s a professional relationship and you can ask for what you want and need. If they can’t do that, then you negotiate like any other business relationship. Don’t offer to leave the house if you would prefer not to, or offer to stay if you would prefer to leave. Speak up if you need them to do something specific, have questions, or are unhappy with something.
        Contain or temporarily relocate pets (our dogs go to daycare on cleaning day) even if they’re generally well behaved. If you are okay with the cleaners using your bathroom or grabbing water out of the fridge, tell them so – most cleaners IME won’t use any client stuff by default and might not ask.

  21. RMNPgirl*

    Has anyone used Lowe’s or Home Depot for carpet replacement? I need to get my carpets replaced and don’t have a lot of options in town. One of the few flooring places gave my a quote that I felt was quite high, so I want to see what the Lowe’s near me would be. From what I understand they subcontract it, so just curious if people have done this and what your experience has been?

    1. Nicole76*

      Keep in mind, this was 17 years ago, but we used Home Depot and it wasn’t great. Three men showed up initially but quickly left one guy by himself to do the entire living room, up the stairs, and the loft. It took him over 8 hours and the stairs don’t look great. Not only that, but after he left we realized he never cut holes for the floor vents in the living room so my husband did that himself. I wouldn’t hire them again, but considering they sub-contract, your experience could be much better than ours.

    2. fposte*

      Agreed that it will almost certainly be subcontracted. Reports I’ve heard acknowledge two things: that in most areas, really skilled tradespeople won’t need to work for them and lose a cut of profits, but that if something goes wrong, Home Depot will have more leverage with your fitter than you will.

      I’d certainly get a quote, and the simpler the job and more supervision I could give, the more I’d consider them a possibility.

    3. Farmer’s Wife*

      My parents have used Home Depot 3 times for- a very large complicated basement job, hallway and 3 bedrooms, and the master bedroom. They were very happy with the last two jobs.

      The first job was installed horribly, but HD sent a new crew to reinstall new carpeting for no extra charge, so my parents were very pleased with how it was handled and the outcome (A bonus was that my mom didn’t end up liking the original carpet, so she got to choose new carpet for the reinstall!)

    4. The Other Dawn*

      We used Home Depot twice for carpeting and were happy both times. It was a large bedroom with weird angles (same room, both times). There were two guys both times, and they worked quickly and did a great job.

    5. Alyn*

      We used Home Depot 7 or 8 years ago to redo the carpeting in our townhouse before we put it on the market – wall to wall carpeting in the two bedrooms upstairs and the connecting hallway. We had no issues and the installation went fine; it may have been a factor though that all of the rooms were completely empty as we’d already moved to our new house at that point.

    6. acmx*

      I’ve used Lowe’s. I replaced the carpet with LVP. Yes, they subcontract out. My experience was good. But like Alyn, my house was empty at the time so it was quick and easy for them.

      The local place gave me a higher quote and I didn’t like the options/pricing as much as the stuff I got through Lowe’s. I’ve used the local place for a repair (due to bad tenants). I tried to find out who Lowe’s used for the install (I have since forgotten the company) to have them do the repair but Lowe’s was not helpful in that regard. They really seemed confused by my inquiry lol

    7. Girasol*

      We had poor luck with Lowes on a roof. The subcontractors didn’t understand what the job was and didn’t bring the right equipment. They did some minor damage to the house though they did repair it. Then shingles blew off in the first winter storm. We’d gone through Lowes because we didn’t know how to find a good contractor and thought that might be a good way to avoid getting a bad one. But it cost extra because Lowes did the arrangements and we got a poor contractor besides. Not sure that contracting through these big companies is really an advantage.

    8. Doctor is In*

      Our Lowes did a very mediocre job. A local independent store does much better work.

    9. the cat's ass*

      Ive used HD twice and a local place (that i found out HD subcontracted to) HD was great one, terrible the second time (showed up 2 hours late when I’d taken the day off; brought the wrong thickness of rug pads and had to go back and get the right ones so they were even later, complained about the stairs-lots of stairs, even tho it was all on the work order, and didn’t leave until after 8 pm). Local company was phenomenal.

    10. Bluebell*

      We had Lowe’s do flooring a few years ago, and I wasn’t that impressed by the job. I’d try for an independent store next time.

    11. The OG Sleepless*

      I’ve used Home Depot for carpet more than once. (Local subcontractor.) They did a good job and were easy to work with. I would rather work directly with a small local company, but I didn’t have any contacts/recommendations, and I’ve dealt with enough fly-by-night contractors that I didn’t want to take chances.

  22. Macadamia*

    I’m trying (and failing!) to remodel a new-to-me home I bought prior to moving into it. It’s a little off the beaten track so contractors and architects are hard to come by, and I’ve been let down by the only contractors who thought they had the space to take on the job. Anyone else within radius is booked up for the rest of the year, and contractors from farther afield won’t travel. It’s definitely a tradesperson’s market right now (outside the US). My question is – although it’s not advised to move into a remodel prior to the work being done if it can be avoided, is it really that bad to be living there while it’s done? Right now I’m still paying for a rental whilst the other home sits idle and empty. I don’t relish the thought of living in a building site (after many years living in poorly maintained and semi-gross rentals!) but there really doesn’t seem to be an end in sight here. The other down side is I’m a pack rat so once my stuff is in there it’ll be pretty packed. The home is liveable as-is, and the remodel would include replacing most of the roof and a new heating system which were noted as being urgent when I did the pre-sale inspection, with other non-essential work planned including an additional extension, possible reconfiguration of the internal walls, replacing all the flooring (in ok condition I just don’t care for it) and new kitchen cabinets/counters. Alternatively if you have any tips on how to woo a contractor I’m all ears for that – it’s a new area I’m moving to so I have zero connections, contacts or leverage!

    1. Pippa K*

      It’s not usually a problem to live in a house while the roof is being replaced, I think. We just got a new roof and it was just two days of really loud banging and thumping, but no intrusion into our living space or loss of utilities or anything like that. (Roof replacement is maybe the most boring thing to spend a large amount of money on, but when it’s necessary it’s really necessary!)

      1. fposte*

        The one tip I’d offer is to take breakables off of unrimmed shelves, especially if they’re on the top floor and you don’t have much of an attic.

        1. Wishing You Well*

          Yes, look for shake-able breakables! A friend had a ceiling glass light fixture crash after being banged loose by the shingling guys on the roof!
          Check on the roofing job while they’re working. Years ago, we were appalled to find the roofers had thrown the old shingles against the house, marking up our new exterior paint job. They also threw shingle scraps and other debris into our attic. They snagged many of our window screens and smashed a large expensive garden ornament with their ladders. Only one guy spoke English – barely, so that was a big problem. They left food debris and a pile of garbage knee-high on the sidewalk that included a used saw blade for a week after the job was done! The company wouldn’t answer our calls about these problems.
          Thank God for Yelp, etc. now! Check reviews!

          1. Pippa K*

            Yikes! We were lucky to have a really good crew that draped tarps over everything, cleaned up debris, and went over the whole place with the big magnet tool three times after cleanup to make sure no nails or screws had been dropped. The business owner was on site for the whole job, which I think makes a big difference.

    2. Chestnut Mare*

      That’s a pretty major renovation to live through, especially if you’ll have a lot of stuff to have to move around. We are currently undergoing a kitchen renovation and it’s such a pain…We are pretty chill people for the most part, and our tempers are wearing thin, even with a remodel that is, knock on wood, on schedule and without major issues. Since you describe yourself as a pack rat, I’d expect that having to navigate a congested space will turn off contractors and tradespeople.

    3. Jessi*

      Could you hire a caravan or similar to sit on the property so you have a space that’s not a construction site? Probably cheaper than renting a whole flat/property while you do the project

    4. The teapots are on fire*

      I live with a pack rat and the amount of work to move all the stuff from upstairs to downstairs and then back up again for a carpet installation and paint job was shocking. SO MUCH STUFF. Can you get a temporary storage shed for your stuff? I agree that the roof and probably the heating system work can be done while you live there (especially if it’s just a boiler or blower but not all new ducts or pipes throughout the house), but the rest sounds very difficult while you live there with your possessions.

    5. Not A Manager*

      Can you select a few key items that you need in order to occupy the place, and put the rest into storage? As if you were moving into a six-month remote job placement or something. Then when the work actually starts, you can stay at an airbnb for the worst of the work if you need to, and you won’t have too much stuff for the workers to deal with during the construction.

    6. Lifelong student*

      We have lived in our house a very long time and had two roof replacements. Just be aware that anything in the attic or rooms directly under the roof will be covered in dirt when it is done- and clean up is not done by the roofers!

    7. Not So NewReader*

      Heating system. What type of heat do you have?
      Here I have an oil fueled furnace. My oil company was the one who replaced the furnace.. This only involved going into the area where the furnace was, nothing else was disrupted.
      If you are changing heat systems then that is a different story.

      Wooing a contractor. Be kind and pay promptly. Be fair. If something additional comes up quickly offer to pay the extra for them to take care of it. Keep thinking about things from the contractor’s perspective.
      Most contractors have been stiffed by a few customers. Keep your actions transparent.
      And most contractors have had customers who absolutely insisted on having something made that the contractor knew would not work out. Be sure to listen when a contractor tells you they are concerned about a particular task.
      Some prep work is done off site and then there is procuring materials. These are all billable hours that you do not see. It’s entirely possible that you could see someone working for 3 hours then receive a bill for 5 hours. It’s okay to politely ask, but going ballistic is not cool.
      If you hire a general contractor and they tell you that they are not good at doing X, don’t push them into doing X. It’s new levels of misery for everyone. My friend helps me with my house. I had tiling work. He said “nope, nope, nope”. But he did know someone who could do it and was good at it. I got this other person to do the tiling more me. Here’s a secret- these people all know each other. They know who is good and who is a rip off. They can steer you toward good people. Both the contractor and the specialist rely on each other to do good work so they can keep referring each other. It’s a system that works because each of them ends up with good customers who pay promptly. In my tiling story, all three of us ended up with big smiles. The tiles look great and compliment my friend’s own work.

      My father was big on using the same businesses over and over. There are numerous benefits to that. If this idea appeals to you, that you would like an on-going business relationship then be sure to tell the contractor who does do the first job for you. “I have some work now and in the future I will have more work. I am looking for someone who I can keep calling as projects come up. I’d like to keep doing business with the same people.” This also gives them incentive in how they handle transactions with you.

    8. Tea and Cake*

      Since you’d be new to the area, ask your realtor for referrals – they should have some contacts they’ll share with you.

    9. Lizzie (with the deaf cat)*

      I like the idea of giving up the rental, getting most of your packrat possessions into storage, and moving in to the place with just the basics until the renovations are done. You can visit your things in storage and they should be safe from damage. Then you can welcome them to your new finished home!
      You say your home is liveable as-is, maybe you could imagine it as a holiday home with just the bare essentials in the meantime. And as someone has mentioned, you could move out short term if renovations required it.
      I suspect of you move all of your stuff in before the renovations, that will add a lot of inconvenience for you and the tradespeople and will create delays. Good luck!

    10. Tex*

      Even if you got an architect out today for a consult, it’s going to take a year to do everything you want to do. Between plans, permits, shipping delays for materials, etc. It might be cheaper to move in with a minimal amount of items and pay for storage.

    11. Ides of May*

      Could you move in but rent a storage unit until reno is done? A lot of what you have listed will be hard to do with stuff everywhere. If you can keep it to a minimum of easily moved items, you can shift from room to room while work is done (bed, couch, table – yes. Bookcase, shelves on wall, kitchen cabinets full – no)

      Roof should not be an issue at all, nor probably heating as long as it’s just the actual unit and not ducting or something.

  23. Elizabeth Bennett*

    Ask around for recommendations. Like others here, we had better luck with an individual rather than a service. Be prepared to pay fair wages. In our area, we pay what amounts to slightly more than $50/hr. That’s more than my hourly wage. Good cleaners are professionals that are good at what they do. We used to pay less for a service, and the cleaning was not as good. Don’t be afraid to say what you need them to do better, just like with anyone you’d manage. Participating in the economy by employing someone is a positive and contributes to the well-being of the community if you are behaving fairly towards them, so don’t feel guilty about having someone clean your house. Cleaners see all kinds of houses and it’s not just fancy rich people who need them (this is what I tell myself when I wonder what our cleaner thinks of our small, cluttered home). Also, if the guilt is at all gendered, that’s sexist nonsense you can absolve yourself of. Last, there sometimes can be an unacknowledged racial dimension in hiring cleaners (white privilege stuff, I don’t know if this is part of the guilt), and again…pay fairly, treat the work as the difficult, professional work it is (and put separate energy into learning about anti-racism that you don’t burden the cleaners with).

  24. RussianInTexas*

    Cinema Therapy! A family therapist and a filmmaker watch and talk about various characters and situations in movies. Their series on the Twilight movies had me in my stitches.
    Legal Eagle, for fun take on various legal issues and cases.
    The Take, feminist take on various TV and movie tropes.
    Cold War, about, well, Cold War.
    City Beautiful. Fun and accessible take on city planning, issues, etc.

  25. Applesauced*

    Who else is watching Severance?

    Would you sever yourself? If so, what kind of job do you have?

    2. Sabine the Very Mean*

      No I’d never sever unless I suffered some extreme tragedy like Mark S seems to have but even then, no. I like doing work things at home and home things at work. It helps me with balance.

      I love the show. So fabulous. The drabness is great to look at somehow.

      1. PineapplesOnPizza*

        Definitely!! It is my favorite show to watch aesthetically right now. I love the colors and the minimalism and the style.

  26. NoLongerFencer*

    38w tomorrow(!!) Getting induced at 39w due to family history of stillbirth at term.
    1. When’s the last time you can eat before an induction? 12 hrs before? Birthing class said just eat lightly but nothing of timing (and I’m an emetophobe with low pain tolerance).
    2. How early did you ask for an epidural with induction? Again, birth class left it up to me.
    3. Is it realistic I’d be able to read during matleave? Like, fiction books? Too much TV gives me headaches. What did you do over matleave? I’m focused on healing but was thinking Duolingo, knitting, reading parenting books, music.

    1. Chestnut Mare*

      Congratulations and good luck! I can’t speak to the eating question, but for me it was true that I knew when I wanted an epidural. Depending on how busy your hospital is, it might take a while for the anesthesiologist to be available so take that into consideration.

      I was able to read while breastfeeding, which was great. I also got back on my horses at about 3 weeks post c-section and was back to competing at around 8 weeks…birth and postpartum is definitely a unique experience for everyone!

    2. BookMom*

      Question 1 is for your medical professional.
      Question 2. When you’re ready, you’ll know. I was induced with #1 and the nurses told me when I was dilated enough for the epidural. By then, I was plenty ready mentally.
      Question 3. Yes, read lots! Consider audio books as well for when your hands are full. All that language exposure is good for baby too. If you’re willing to read on a Kindle or Nook, that might be easier for one handed page turning while snuggling or feeding baby.

    3. Falling Diphthong*

      3: You can read; I read while nursing. If the baby falls asleep and you don’t dare move, a book in arm’s reach is really useful. Magazines are your friend here, and things built around short diverse articles, as you may need to stop at any moment. You might skim the YouTube recommendations here for short things to watch. “Short and pausable” is the vibe you’re going for here.

      Also, walking! Spring is a great time to have a baby in this sense. Get up and move with the baby in a sling. My spouse theorized that babies have a strong “Mom and dad are running from the lions so I should doze off” instinct and that is why they like the vigorous bouncy walk. Also, my younger child had to always face out so he could vigorously wave all his body parts–adjust your style to the baby you have.

      2) When the pain got harder to ignore. I will give you my experienced mom permission to ask for one right away, or as soon as you decide the pain is getting hard to breath through. (Medical details: Eventually had a C-section. Baby weight and head circumference were bigger than they had estimated from the ultrasound and I am confident I wasn’t getting her out with pushing and more time–I don’t think waiting on the epidural would have done a damn thing other than have me in painful unproductive induced labor for longer.)

      1) The hospital will probably have a nurse registering you a day or two before you are scheduled to be induced; she will tell you what to do. 12 hours with no food would be typical.

    4. Dark Macadamia*

      1. Ask your doctor.
      2. Don’t remember lol
      3. After my first kid is when I started listening audiobooks – choose something fluffy or something you’ve read before because you’ll probably fall asleep or forget to listen at some point. I also read on the Kindle app on my phone during feedings because it’s much easier to juggle with the baby than a book, and you don’t even need a light on to do it. Knitting seems ambitious, don’t do anything complicated where you’ll have trouble remembering where you left off if you have to stop suddenly.

    5. HannahS*

      I was induced at 41w. I was allowed to eat until I was admitted to the L and D unit and after that only dry toast, crackers, and juice.

      I asked for an epidural quickly. After laboring at home all night with back labor, I felt like I’d had enough. And I didn’t want to have to wait because of shift change; there’s about an hour twice a day when it’s hard to get an epidural.

      Inductions are all different. For context, my hospital induces via bulb catheter, sends people home, and then admits the following day for the pitocin drip, unless constant monitoring is required.

      All of the things you suggest are possible for mat leave, but not all right away. As you heal and baby sets into a routine you’ll likely have some more time and bandwidth.

    6. Janet Pinkerton*

      I ate intermittently during my induction! I was starting from 0 cm dilated, 0% effaced, and it took a total of around 60 hours from start to finish. Baby is five weeks old today.

      I had my last big meal around 4 pm (ordered pizza to the hospital) and then started cervidil maybe two hours later. Once they took that out I ate and slept. The next morning I started cytotec. Every time I was at the end of a four-hour dose I could eat again. I was basically eating a PBJ every four hours. Plus just a ton of jello and juice (thank you clear liquids). I don’t recall exactly when I stopped eating—probably when they started me on pitocin or when they put the cook catheter in, about 16 hours before I delievered?

      The only time I felt nauseous the whole time was from the cervidil. (I had about every bad side effect listed for cervidil, my experience was not typical.) I’m not an emetophobe but I hate vomiting more than the typical person does. (Note that if you lose a lot of blood in delivery that can trigger fainting and vomiting, so if offered, be sure to get a transfusion before trying to walk around.)

      I asked for an epidural around 8 pm the night before delivery. I could have asked earlier, and if I ever give birth again, I’ll ask for it the minute I’m eligible. They don’t want to give you an epidural before you’re six cm dilated, I believe.

      I’ve done a ton of reading on parental leave, but almost none of it has been physical books. It’s all about the ebook—for me it’s on my phone. The key is to be able to hold it and advance the pages with one hand. Similarly, duolingo is a good option (I do that daily too). I can only knit when I’m not feeding or holding the baby, so I haven’t done too much of that. If you figure out a one-handed craft you can do while breastfeeding, please let me know!

      Mostly I have been reading ebooks, reading the general internet, hanging out on my social slack groups, doing crossword puzzles (I have a subscription to AVCX, they’re great), knitting when I get a chance, watching some tv, and going on walks and spending time outside when I can. (And cherishing when I get to run errands alone!) But I spend a ton of time also doing laundry, eating, and feeding the baby too. God, I have to eat so often.

      The most critical things that I’ve done to make my parental leave enjoyable are all about peace of mind with feeding the baby. I rented a hospital-grade pump for a month because it was too much trouble to figure out the insurance pump (which I ended up hating anyway) while two days postpartum. That helped me ensure my milk supply, then I stopped pumping at about two weeks because I hate it. I have a hand pump for if I’m going to miss a feeding, which I haven’t yet. And my wife does an overnight feed with formula. Getting that extra (“extra”) sleep is amazing—a few weeks ago I got a seven-hour stretch, though it’s usually just 3-4 hour stretches.

      Oh and in case you haven’t learned about wake windows yet, Google them, they’re so helpful and I didn’t learn about them until after baby was born.

    7. PostalMixup*

      I had my elective induction. At 39 weeks (he had been breach, had a successful version, wasn’t taking any chances). I was not given any restriction from eating prior to the induction. If your OB thinks you’re at high risk for emergency C-section, that might be a different situation, but I think the only risk would be global anesthesia.

      I got the epidural just before they broke my water, but it is totally up to you. At that point my pain was still manageable, but once your water breaks, all bets are off on timing and pain intensity.

      Good luck!

      1. Accountant*

        Even in an emergency c-section, general anesthesia is extremely rare. Standard of care is regional anesthesia via epidural or spinal block.

    8. Pop*

      I read sooo much during my maternity leave. I (was/am) breastfeeding which takes up an extraordinary amount of time in the early days/weeks. It was also great to have something to do when baby fell asleep on me and that helped me stay away. I have a kobo (ereader) which made it easy to click through pages with one hand and super easy to constantly check out new library books. My one caveat is I couldn’t read most nonfiction because I was honestly too tired to follow serious stuff. I also am a fairly active person and had an okay recovery so I spent a LOT of time walking. YMMV but I had a nice maternity leave with a lot of time figuring out how to be a parent, yes, but also free time for myself.

    9. Double A*

      I was induced with both my babies! At 41w, wish it had been sooner, my babies were 10+ lbs. I was able to eat whatever I wanted prior to the epidural, and then after the epidural was allowed to eat clear food (broth, jello). I didn’t throw up or even feel nauseous with either one. I know some hospitals don’t let you eat, but this is not best practice and a lot are moving away from it. My hospital actually brought me meals.

      For both, I got the epidural once the contractions hurt a lot. Basically, they were fine until they weren’t. I’m glad I didn’t get it immediately but I’m glad I got it once I needed it. With my first I had over 24 hours between the epi and delivery, with my second it was more like…6? Hard to remember!

      I actually read a ton on mat leave, but the trick was using a kindle, the one with the back light. The fact that it’s one handed is crucial, and that you can read in the dark is awesome. I didn’t read a physical book until the baby was into his own room and I could use a bedside light again.

    10. Ayla*

      I ate up until I was started on Cervidil, then had clear liquids (Jello, juice, Popsicles and broth) until delivery. No epidural so I don’t know much about that, sorry. I did a lot of reading, walking, and crocheting those first few weeks. A Moby wrap helped a lot so I could comfort the baby and still have free hands.

    11. Accountant*

      I was induced at 37+5 for hypertension. Most L&Ds seem to have restrictions on eating unless there’s some issue specific to you – the entire logic of that rule is to prevent aspiration in the extraordinarily unlikely circumstance you had to get general anesthesia. I cannot stress how much that *never* happens. Bring some easy to eat snacks, sports drinks, things like that – labor is hard work and you’ll appreciate the energy. Ask your doctor/midwife about the vomiting, they may have specific suggestions *and* there are anti-emetic drugs you can take if needed.

      Timing of an epidural will depend on how labor is progressing. If you’re interested in getting one talk about it at the beginning with your doctor/midwife and birth support (partner, doula, etc), so you can communicate your goals in a clear headspace.

      Overall, try not to hesitate to speak up if something isn’t working for you, or task your birth support folks with doing that. You have a lot more choices than it sometimes seems like.

    12. California Dreamin’*

      With my first child (not induced) I tried to wait as long as I could for the epidural, but there came a moment when I was like ok, that’s it. You just know. The L&D nurse said she could see in my eyes that I was going to ask for it after that contraction and was immediately on the phone to anesthesiology. My twins were induced at 37 weeks. Nothing much happened for the first several hours of the induction and my OB said you can either go home and we can try again in a few days or we can ratchet things up. Well at that point I was ready to deliver babies that day and no way was I going home. They increased the pitocin and I believe they manually broke my water, and they went ahead and gave me the epidural right then because they knew the contractions would come on strong.
      You can read with the newborn and you’ve gotten some good advice on that. I’m going to pitch the idea of actually reading TO your new baby even though they obviously can’t understand. We started reading to our children when they were brand new infants, and they all developed into older infants/toddlers/children who loved being read to above all other activities and then were excellent independent readers.

    13. RagingADHD*

      I was in the hospital overnight prepping for an unscheduled induction, so I had a normal dinner but only a liquid breakfast tray (broth, jello, etc).

      What to do over mat leave? Oh lolololololol. Change diapers, feed, track poops and feedings, pump, and sleep whenever you can. My pastimes revolved around trying to eat, bathe and leave the house. I have no recollection of doing anything else during the first 12 weeks. I certainly didn’t have time for a hobby.

      If your leave is longer or you’re blessed with a good sleeper, I recommend light fiction. I discovered Alexander McCall Smith when my baby was several months old and I could sustain attention enough to read. His stuff was perfect for a tired & emotional mind: not stupid but also not taxing.

      Best of luck!

  27. BookMom*

    Meal kit recommendations? In order to preserve my sanity and also put family meals on the table, I’ve been ordering Hello Fresh for a few months, but my new customer discount has run out. I like to cook but hate to shop. Also the kits seem motivating for my teenage children to take their turns at preparing supper without being cajoled. (Plus for good vegetarian options as we are trying to reduce meat consumption.)

    1. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      Sun basket was my favorite and has a lot of vegetarian/different restrictions options.

    2. suggestion*

      I love Hello Fresh. I thought I’d drop it after the discount ended, but I’ve found it to be so much help in reducing day to day stress surrounding dinner, shopping, etc. I really like the variety of options Hello Fresh has and I appreciate the different levels of difficulty. It’s also teaching my husband and I about proper portions. It’s reduced our food waste, too, and it’s reduced our grocery bill since proteins are so expensive right now. And finally, I appreciate the lack of excessive packaging that Hello Fresh works with.

    3. I was told there would be llamas*

      I have been getting Blue Apron for many years. I like the variety of options and the meals aren’t basic…a lot of them are things I would never come up with myself.

    4. Dark Macadamia*

      I did HelloFresh for a year or so, stopped, and then occasionally will go back for a few months when they send me coupons. Honestly it’s one of the cheaper ones by serving size, so if your reason to switch is budget rather than menu it’s probably still better to keep it even without the discount.

      Right now I’m using AcmeBox, which is PNW-based and focuses on locally sourced products. It’s pricier but has a ton of vegan/veggie options and I like that the packaging/supply chain is more sustainable. See if there’s something similar in your area!

      I tried OnePotato for awhile (their theme is kid-friendly and organic) and while the flexible sizes were nice, I wasn’t very impressed with the actual kits. They tend to have inconsistent portion/ingredient sizes which makes the recipes difficult to reuse.

    5. Anono-me*

      You may want to check the gift card section at Costco/Sam’s Club if you or a friend have a membership. When we had a membership, the Costco we shopped at had gift cards for one of the meal prep services. Seeing what cards are available at what level of discount much help you decide.

    6. GoryDetails*

      Of the ones I’ve tried – Blue Apron, Sunbasket, and Hello Fresh – I like Hello Fresh the best (though Blue Apron got points for having some delightfully exotic ingredients now and then). But I found them getting a bit same-y after a while, and some of my favorite recipes (including several different styles of sheet-pan dinners) were so simple that I preferred to just make them myself and save some money.

      On the not-quite-a-kit front, I have been enjoying a line called eat2explore; they’re country-themed food-and-culture kits meant for kids. They include three different meals, with recipes, shopping lists, and sometimes actual utensils. They do NOT contain the fresh ingredients, so some shopping would be needed, but the lists are convenient for that, and the kits do contain spice mixes or slightly-less-usual ingredients (I had no idea there was a powdered coconut-milk product!). There are also fact-sheets about the various countries, small pins with each country’s flag, and a few additional goodies. I don’t have kids but I’ve enjoyed playing with the kits – Brazil, Lebanon, Kenya, South Korea, to name a few.

    7. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I tried Dinnerly a couple months ago, and it was an utterly awful experience – so bad that I don’t know how their food could be, because it had already gone bad by the time it was delivered, but I wasn’t TOO upset, because they’d already refunded me for the full box over other issues. So not them. :)

      1. Pocket Mouse*

        Agree, not Dinnerly. We got it for a few weeks and nearly all the meals were too heavy or too salty.

    8. Charlotte Lucas*

      I got a Green Chef coupon with an order from King Arthur. I gave it to a friend who likes using meal plans. I’ll let you know how it goes.

      1. Not a cat*

        Green Chef sent me moldy food multiple times. And they DNGAF when you report it to them.

    9. The Dude Abides*

      My city used to have a business that was half dinner prep, half cooking classes. You could come in and learn to cook the various dishes on offer that month, or you could order pre-made versions that could be heated and served with minimal fuss.

      The food was really good and they had a good variety, but the owners retired about a year ago and no one took it over :-/

    10. Marion Ravenwood*

      I don’t know if it’s available outside the UK but I vastly prefer Gousto over Hello Fresh – it felt like it had more variety, was better value (ie kits with two meals whereas Hello Fresh starts at three, or did when I used it) and easier to recreate the recipes yourself because it gave you weights and measures rather than just ‘1 pack of X’.

    11. Peonies*

      We have done Sunbasket when my work has been particularly busy. It is the best I have found for needing low-sodium options. What I like best is that they have a wide-range of flavors available and lots of different meals so you aren’t repeating all the time.

    12. Amtelope*

      I’ve done Hello Fresh and Home Chef in the past. I liked them both and thought Home Chef had more variety, but Home Chef was too flaky about delivering on time for me (this was pre-pandemic, so that wasn’t the delivery issue).

      Right now we’re doing EveryPlate, which is the budget version of Hello Fresh and which we’ve been happy with. The main differences we’ve found are that EveryPlate has fewer expensive proteins (unless you add them for an upcharge), some cheaper ingredient switches, and sends you all the food in a single box for the week rather than packed into separate bags for each meal — but it’s much less expensive.

    13. Two Dog Night*

      I love Meez–the meals are great, and they deliver in an insulated bag, which they pick up (along with the ice packs) the next week. We’ve also used Sun Basket and Hello Fresh, but we got tired of disposing/recycling all that packaging. I think Meez’s quality is the best of the three, and I’d rank Sun Basket higher than Hello Fresh. YMMV.

    14. Introverted Dog Lover*

      I have used both Blue Apron and SunBasket, and liked both. If you live somewhere where there are Publix grocery stores, they have meal kits you can purchase at the store. I don’t mind cooking but hate deciding what to make/shopping.

  28. HannahS*

    Tell me about a time when your niche interests or experience helped you not be tricked by marketing!

    I was recently shopping for linen to sew with, and this upscale very cool retailer was selling some gorgeous stuff for a LOT of money. I was considering a splurge until I read that it’s innovatively made of the FINEST tow linen….so the shreds left over after all the better linen is spun. The stuff that will wear our the fastest. Hahaha not paying $120 for that, thanks.
    (Merchant and Mills, if anyone is wondering)

    2. Macaroni Penguin*

      Sometimes I come across advertisements promoting group RESPs (Registered Education Savings Plan. It’s a Canadian thing.) Hahaha!No. Since I worked as a financial social worker, I know that group RESPs are substandard. They’re restrictive and often have unnecessary rules about contributions and withdrawals. It is MUCH BETTER to set up an RESP at YOUR OWN bank. You can’t fool me group financial companies.

    3. Salymander*

      This is a great topic! Sometimes even really terrible experiences can be useful in helping to see through deceptive marketing.

      When I was a child, my father got heavily into several multilevel marketing schemes, and totally destroyed our family’s finances. He lost two houses, and we went from comfortably middle class to way below the poverty line in just a few years. Our family finances never recovered from that, and we had an entire garage full of stuff that my dad said was his great business opportunity, but was actually a lot of substandard toiletries that smelled like gasoline, cheap jewelry that caused my skin to turn green and bubble up in hives, and fruitcakes. So many freaking fruitcakes. I had to go to the meetings with my dad, too, so I spent countless hours being made to organize inventory and paperwork while listening to some slimy creep convince my dad that he needed to keep buying boxes and boxes of crap to sell to customers. Customers that existed only in my dad’s mind. So, you could say that I have Opinions about multilevel marketing.

      My ex fiance begged me to go to a “party” with him, to meet his new coworkers and buddies. He said they wanted to discuss a business opportunity, and he wanted me to go because I was “so smart” and “worthy” of being a part of this. I immediately said that I will not have anything to do with MLM. I said, “If this is Amway, tell me now because if it is I don’t want to go, and if you lie to me I will be angry in a way you have never seen before.” He said it wasn’t Amway. He promised fervently that it wasn’t. He begged me to go on his knees. I knew he was lying, but I went anyway just to see how far my ex had fallen.

      It was Amway. Of course it was Amway. They gave it some other name, but it was still the same company. They started their little sales pitch, and I interrupted and said that I wasn’t interested. They asked me how much I spent on toiletries and beauty products per year, because they said most women spend $5000+ and they could save me at least 1/4 of that if I agreed to sell product. I said I spend less than $200, and it wasn’t worth it for me to get a second job offloading their crap on innocent people just so I could save a few dollars. Even if I were spending thousands, I wouldn’t be a part of something so shady and manipulative. I told them that they had already lied in order to get me there, so why would I believe anything else they said? Ex fiance and his new Amway pals got all self righteous with me, said I was being unreasonable, and that they were trying to do me a favor. Their little presentation had worked on lots of other women, who were their favorite targets to exploit. Fortunately, my experience with MLM made me immune to their manipulation. Oh, and it also made me realize that breaking off my engagement was a really good decision.

      1. fposte*

        Wow, this is an amazing story. Was he already an ex at the time you attended the Amway “party”?

        1. Salymander*

          Thanks! :)

          Yes, I had broken up with him a number of months before that. He was still friendly with my family, and was invited to all our family gatherings and holidays. We were trying to stay friends. He got a new job shortly before I left him, and his new coworkers were all in Amway as a side job. They were also really against feminism and we’re just generally awful people. I think that breaking up with him then was one of my better decisions. He really went down a men’s rights rabbithole after that.

      3. They Don’t Make Sunday*

        Wow, what a story. I’m so sorry you went through that as a child. And glad you didn’t marry that guy!

    4. Princess Xena*

      Ooh, ooh, me! Dyes. Not so much a marketing thing, but I’ve dyed my own fabric. Let me tell you, if you want something even slightly more permanent than a fun summer tie-dye project, avoid RIT and all of its friends and look for more expensive dyes that require mordant. Yes, it’s more expensive. Yes, it’s messier. Yes, it’s a particulate so you have to be slightly more careful (but N95s are so widely available these days that you can get good safety gear pretty easily). But all those steps are the difference between a dye that will fade the first time you wash it (and stain everything else) and a long-lasting vibrant color that isn’t going away any time soon.

    5. A Feast of Fools*

      I worked in sales for two decades. I can spot a troublesome selling technique from a mile off, especially F.U.D. (Fear, Uncertainty, and Doubt). If a marketing message is to buy their product because other products are scary or a waste of money, or that Bad Things will happen if I don’t buy their product, then it’s an immediate No from me.

      I also collect gemstones and gemstone jewelry, especially the ones off the beaten path of “birthstones” and the Big Four (diamond, sapphire, ruby, emerald).

      So I’ve been able to tell, say, eBay sellers that they really shouldn’t be advertising their garnet ring as a ruby. I can also tell you if a stone has been heat-treated, coated with a vapor deposition, or “fissure filled” with a substance akin to glass.

      The stones that have been treated are still pretty and still (in my opinion) better than 100% man-made stones, but I get tetchy when sellers and retailers don’t disclose the information. Because a natural, untreated blue topaz — one where you can clearly see that it’s blue — is worth 10,000x more than any blue topaz that’s available in the retail marketplace. Ditto pink topaz. Those vibrant pinks and blues come courtesy of being heat-treated.

      So when acquaintances or co-workers show me their 10K gold, 2.0 carat morganite rings and gush that it *only* cost them $1000, I cry a little inside.

      1. Jora Malli*

        Similar for me. I have a degree in human communication, which included courses on rhetoric, persuasion, media studies, nonverbal communication, and marketing. I can pick up on all the advertising tricks!

      1. Rocky*

        Came here to say the same thing! I have been so happy with all the linen I’ve bought from them, for apparel and other projects.

    7. beentheredonethat*

      The place we don’t talk about works with metal alloys. I get a little crazy when they advertise stainless steel. Really, a ferrous alloy with a minimum 11% chromium. There is the good stuff and the not good stuff.

  29. Bibliovore*

    Luxury problem/issue. I have taken over my husband’s apple watch. Overwhelmed by app choices.
    Are there smart watch apps that you use all the time? Anything amusing or fun or useful?
    So far I use the breathing one daily and am amused by the one that tells me to stand up.
    Recommendations please.

    1. CatCat*

      I use Siri on the watch all the time for reminders and timers. Never really used it until I had the watch, but it’s super great to not have to remember things or write them down on a paper or in a hone app. It’s sooo easy to use on the fly.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I use WaterMinder for hydration tracking, if that’s something that is of use to you.

    3. Tea and Cake*

      Standard install apps I use are Siri, Workout, Weather, and the timer (use this so frequently). I use a sleep app to track how well I sleep. SleepMatic and also Sleep Cycle. My car’s app so when I accidentally leave it unlocked I can lock it when it pings my phone and watch. My smart thermostat app is easy to change from the couch on my watch. And podcast and music app controls. Oh! And the walkie-talkie app!

  30. Music Festivals*

    If you play a musical instrument (non-professionally), have you ever attended a music festival to play with others? I heard a lot of good about Winter Harbor music festival in Maine for example, but there are others. I play classical piano and have always played on my own, so I’m intrigued about playing with others. Any pros or cons? things I should consider?

    1. Rara Avis*

      I play handbells and go to mass-ring festivals every year (or did, until 2020 … ). It’s a lot of fun!

    2. Angstrom*

      We went to the Fiddleheads weekend camp in NH a few times. It was a very positive learning environment, very friendly, and a great way to overcome worries about playing with others. The only downside is lack of sleep because you don’t want to leave the jam sessions to go to bed. :-)

  31. KuklaRed*

    Cat relations question.

    I have 2 older cats Lizzie, who is 9 and chonky and is Queen of the house, and Willow, who has just turned 2 years old, has a bit of a flighty and nervous personality, but has grown to be a rather large cat and is usually very sweet. Willow belongs to my son and daughter in law, but they live with us.

    3 weeks ago, my husband and I adopted 9 month old siblings, Sasha and Sammy. I have had cats since I was 9 and have introduced many new kitties to existing cats. However, we are having problems with Willow. She wants to attack Sasha and Sammy. She hunts them and corners them rather aggressively, rather than just sniffing and growling a little, as most of my previous cats have done when meeting new family members. We have tried the usual methods and not had much success. We have been keeping them separated so that no one gets hurt, but obviously this cannot go on indefinitely.

    Does anyone have any particular techniques that worked for you? I’d love some suggestions. Thanks!

    1. Ask a Manager* Post author

      Is your sense that she’s just playing too aggressively (like she sees them as a toy) or that she’s genuinely hostile (growling and hissing)? Eve did the former to Wallace when he was a kitten and it stopped as soon as he got bigger than her (now he hunts and chases her sometimes, to her great surprise; the tables have turned). As best as we’ve been able to figure, she has a real “might makes right” mindset and saw him as a sort of entertainment object because he was smaller (but not in a way he enjoyed). I really worried about it, but as soon as he got bigger, she totally backed down.

      Once she corners them, what happens? Is she attacking in a non-playful way or just enjoying her dominance at being able to get them cornered?

      1. KuklaRed*

        There is a fair amount of hissing and growling, on both sides. Willow has never been around any cats younger than she is, and I think she just doesn’t know how to react. It does feel like she sees the younger cats as prey, she hunts them when she is in the same area. I can’t tell if she really wants to hurt them, but it doesn’t seem friendly. She corners them and she attacks.

        I really worry about this because we can’t keep them separated forever and I do so want them to become friendly enough to play together.

    2. Some Old Goat*

      I’d just recommend being really careful. I also have integrated many cats successfully over the years. But I have had two $1500 vet bills inflicted on one cat by another cat. The victim was the same but the perpetrators were different. Who knows what she says to elicit such rage. The only solution for my situation was separation. One perpetrator was a foster cat that I rehomed. But I still have two cats permanently separated. One or the other of them is always locked away. We’ve become used to it but it was a nuisance at first.

    3. CatCat*

      We followed Jackson Galaxy’s process detailed in his book “Total Cat Mojo” and it really worked. It’s a time consuming process, but it 100% worked!

  32. Teapot Translator*

    What are your methods to keep track of books you want to read? My bad method is to keep tabs open for each book.

    1. Koala dreams*

      Write the titles and authors on post-it notes and put the post-it notes in a heap. I used to have a list in my mobile phone but I stopped after changing phones. For library books, my local library makes it possible to log in and create list on the library website/app. I do that sometimes, but the lists tend to get super long… (The library has a “you might also be interested in…” function.)

    2. Cruciatus*

      It used to be a notebook, but now I just use Goodreads. It’s easy to access on the computer or the app so if I’m out and about at a bookstore/library I can remind myself what I was looking for. And in the last couple of years I’ve gotten much better at keeping my “currently reading” list up-to-date, and since FictFact went away (it would update users on when a new book in a series they were reading was available), I find GoodReads the next best thing to keep track of my series, though it’s nowhere near as efficient (you have to check things manually instead of getting a handy dandy email notice). But it works.

      1. The Cosmic Avenger*

        Another vote for Goodreads. I just put some books from the medical history reading thread on my list. And the list is still long and unwieldy, but it’s both easily searchable AND manually sortable, so I can move books to the top when I remember forgetting about them.
        And for me, personally, since I read a lot of ebooks from the library, my Kindle will automatically let me rate a book when I’m done and post the rating to Goodreads as well as updating the status to Read. And I have a lot of well-read friends on Goodreads, so I do also benefit from the social networking aspect of it, as I’ve culled a few recommendations directly from friends via Goodreads.

    3. Water Everywhere*

      I keep a running list in my Notes app. Only please learn from my mistake and put both author AND title when adding to the list! Mine’s been on the go for years and sometimes looking back at earlier entries where I only added the author’s name, I can’t remember which book interested me.

    4. Falling Diphthong*

      I have a document on the desktop of my laptop called “Notes” where I record all the things I run across and want to remember to possibly pursue later; there’s a long book list. I frequently add to it off this thread.

    5. sagewhiz*

      I’ve used an Excel spreadsheet for years and years.

      Yesterday a writer friend alerted me to Library Thing that let’s you keep track of what you’ve read. Looks similar to Goodreads, haven’t yet taken “the tour” to delve into it but plan to use both when my novel comes out near the end of the year.

    6. Lady Alys*

      I have an account on my local library’s website, and if I see a book I want to read I add it to my “wish list.” This is mostly to replace the habit of buying whatever looked good on Amazon’s “$2 today” Kindle sales emails, but it helps in general with the reading list.

    7. Just another queer reader*

      I use Libby (library app) and tag books I want to read with a book icon.

      1. cat socks*

        I also use the Libby app. I have a number of books on my hold list. I also add ones to my wish list that I want to read. Not every book is available on Libby, so I have a “Books” list on Evernote.

    8. Dark Macadamia*

      I’ve used Goodreads for over a decade now and it’s always been great. I’m also trying StoryGraph which has some fun data features (showing trends in your reading by genre, author, etc) but I find it harder to use and it doesn’t always do what I want it to, lol

    10. Book list deleted*

      I used the notes app but didn’t select it for iCloud backup. Accidentally deleted the list – years worth of lists & notes about books. Way too easy to delete a note.

    11. Person from the Resume*

      Goodreads, but actually request from the library and pausing the hold. Or buying the book and piling it on the living room coffee table until I decide I must read some books I own before getting a new one from the library. Similarly I am not allowing myself to buy more ebooks until I finish the ones I already bought.

    12. Atheist Nun*

      I created an online wish list at Powell’s Bookstore, which I share with friends in case anyone wants to give me a book.

    13. marvin the paranoid android*

      I either put them on hold or on my wishlist at the library! Much better than my previous option of thinking I’ll remember and then not remembering.

    14. Tea and Cake*

      Goodreads is good, but I also use a private wishlist on Amazon for books only- I go through GR regularly to make sure Amazon doesn’t get out of sync. I usually get email notifications if a book on the wishlist is on sale.

    15. Albeira Dawn*

      I have a page in Notion with two tables: one with already published books, and one with upcoming titles. When I buy or read a book it gets taken off the list. I have columns set up for Fiction vs Nonfiction, Genre (this tends to be specific to my tastes, so things like “Amateur Archivist Novel” or “Alternative Ethnography” to better help me find things I’m in the mood for), and Conceits (tropes or hooks, stuff like “Face-Blind Main Character” or “Epistolary”). Not all of the entries have all of the columns filled out, but whenever I want to take a break at work I add to the entries.

    16. Skeeder Jones*

      i keep an amazon list just for books, I don’t necessarily buy them from Amazon but it helps me both keep track of the books and also view info on them. I also keep a favorites list in my browser for non-amazon books. If I hear about a book that I want to write down to remember, I send myself a text to remind me to put it on my list. These all work for me but might not work for everyone.

    18. RagingADHD*

      My library’s online catalog allows you to make lists, so I’ll save them there or in a private list in my Amazon account.

    19. Off My Lawn, You Must Get*

      Luddite bit first: I avoid GoodReads like the plague.

      I keep a spreadsheet including when I added the book to my list. Anything on the list longer than 3-4 years gets the boot. And, because I suffer from decision paralysis, I use a random number generator to pick my next book from the list.

  33. PerplexedPigeon*

    Maternity Clothing Advice: I am newly pregnant and just starting to think of maternity clothes for down the line. I went this week with my mom, but it turns out most places don’t have a maternity section and women just go with stretchier leggings and longer tunic tips.
    My dilemma: I dress more androgynous and by default shop in the men’s section and wear button downs and khakis for days I need to look nice; jeans and a hoodie for days I don’t. I’m terrified I’m going to have to end up shopping in the women’s section forced to wear feminine-style clothing that is not me. Any recs for less feminine maternity-type clothing would be appreciated!

    1. Not A Manager*

      A billion years ago I shopped at A Pea In The Pod for maternity clothes. I see that they are still in business and offer some “activewear” options that are not too frilly, and also knit tops (which seem to include sweatshirts) and jeans.

      If you google “maternity button down” a bunch of options pop up. They are probably styled more traditionally female, but they are not all frilly or patterned. I think you could probably find some maternity slacks or jeans, and a few button downs, and mix them up with oversized sweatshirts. I do think most bricks and mortar stores have reduced their maternity offerings and you will be better off looking online.

    2. Pop*

      H&M has a decent maternity section online and will have some things that are less femme. I also personally only got a few basics of T-shirts, shorts, one pair of jeans (mostly from old navy) and then would wear non-maternity things with them like cardigans. Good luck! I am queer (although quite femme) and I found so much of pregnancy unnecessarily gendered.

    3. HannahS*

      I found many wide-legged linen-blend pants at Old Navy that had a straight cut in the leg. A few of those in khaki, black, and navy might be comfortable for you. As for tops, I found that I could wear my normal (loose-fitting) pullovers until 3rd trimester because I had a small baby and it was my first pregnancy. Your hoodies will likely fit a while! A zip-up hoodie or a cardigan will always fit, too. I found that old navy and gap had fairly plain maternity t-shirts, with no ruffles or patterns. But if closer-cut tops are uncomfortable for you, you may find that shopping at big-and-tall stores (so tops for men with big bellies) are worth exploring.

    4. Same boat*

      …Are you future me? The exact same question has been bouncing around in my head for literal years!

      I once had the opportunity to ask this question of a trans man who had been pregnant. He said his go-to work outfit consisted of joggers (elastic waist but of a style that could fit in at the office, I think he actually specified they were khaki-esque), a sized-up button-down, and a cardigan.

      Looking forward to the answers here. If you’re queer, a queer parenting group may be a good source of info as well. Good luck, and please do let us know and treasures you find!

    5. Generic Name*

      Target has a maternity section. Lots of places do sell maternity clothing, but only online.

    6. Falling Diphthong*

      I was pregnant last century, but I had good luck with coats at a clothing store for larger women. After the baby was born I would tuck her inside the coat, so I got more than a few months’ use out of it.

      Seconding A Pea in the Pod. Back in those days department stores had maternity sections but they were really awful–I remember one had put gigantic lace clown collars on every single top. It was better to bite the bullet and spend more at a specialty store that recognized I needed clothes appropriate to an office job.

      I will note that a loose dress, loose tunic over stretchy pants, wrap dress or wrap skirt are pretty universal maternity options, and all unlike menswear. You need stuff that can stretch and expand as you stretch and expand, and in one or two spots rather than all over evenly. Khakis and a button down is kind of the polar opposite of this. So I’d advise going broad and trying on stuff that isn’t your usual style and seeing if it clicks.

    7. Squidhead*

      Never pregnant myself but my friend who prefers only one style of jeans was able to stick with her jeans most of the time by adding a “belly band”. It looked like the bottom of a long tank top (might have had more support; I think they come in different types of fabric). No gap of skin between her shirt and waistband, and her waistband was just lower than usual. She wore stretchy but not overly feminine shirts and (since it was winter for most of her pregnancy) a loose zip-up or hoodie.

    8. Dark Macadamia*

      I remember seeing an ad for a non-feminine maternity company a few years ago but can’t find it now. Google showed me “ButchBaby and Co” and “ButchBasix Alternity” which don’t seem to be active anymore.

      I mostly shopped at Target and Motherhood Maternity. Pregnancy wear does trend toward ruffles and florals, especially in spring/summer, but there are a ton of basic options too. I mostly wore solid or striped tees and tanks with leggings (which may not be your usual style but are SO comfy). You might be able to find less fussy button-downs, like flannels, in clearance?

      One thing that can help early on is getting a “Bella band” which is basically a stretchy tube that goes around your stomach – it can be used to hold your regular pants up when you can’t fasten the fly anymore, and will at least buy you some more time to search for pregnancy pants you like.

      1. PerplexedPigeon*

        This is helpful! I was so sad to learn that ButchBaby had closed. I was so hoping they would work…

    9. Not that Leia*

      My recommendation would also be not to shop too much ahead. Especially for your first pregnancy, it can be hard to predict what will end up being comfortable. Target maternity has plenty of “basic” maternity wear—t-shirts and leggings/sweats. Thred up is a great place to get lightly used maternity stuff for cheaper, to try out what you like. Also, usually the maternity modifications have to do with making tops longer and (obv) wider, so you could probably stick to slightly oversized regular menswear (which is usually longer & wider anyway) for a while, if not most of the pregnancy. A caveat is that most current maternity stuff seems to be styled pretty fitted/body con these days…

    10. marvin the paranoid android*

      I don’t have personal experience with this, but I understand that a loose fitting hoodie can be a popular option among the pregnant transmasc set. I’ll bet there are probably online groups for people sharing resources for this exact dilemma, and those can be very helpful. Gender diverse people can be very resourceful about finding clothing that works for us!

    11. Bon voyage*

      Evan Rachel Wood talked about something similar with Cameron Esposito on Queery. She said that when she was pregnant, she wore lots of vintage concert t-shirts (secondhand). Not a perfect solution, especially for more business-y settings, but maybe an option? Could maybe add a jacket to dress it up a little?

    12. Ayla*

      Currently 7mo pregnant and hate frills. I have a few pairs of maternity jeans, and a few pairs of XL pants that I wear with suspenders since belts are uncomfortable. For tops I’m wearing a lot of stretchy tees and tanks, along with oversized button-downs (sometimes open over a tank, depending on weather). Those big button-downs can be really great for breastfeeding, too.

      1. PerplexedPigeon*

        Thank you for this! I hadn’t thought of suspenders, this might be fun mostly because I assume I’ll have to give up my bow ties for a bit, and suspenders might make up for the style factor!

    13. PerplexedPigeon*

      Thank you everyone for your replies! So far, Target seems to be a go to, especially because their line is “buy the size you were before pregnancy” which means even less time obsessing about what my body is doing because I’m trying to decide what size to buy. Also helpful to know about buying too early! I may try some of the big and tall menswear ideas, since my shoulders are broader than most women’s anyway and given that I’m above average in height, they might not look like I’m drowning too much. Thanks again!

  34. SecondBreakfast*

    What are the best host gifts you have given or received?

    We’ll be staying with some friends across the state next weekend. I don’t want to show up empty-handed, but I’m having trouble thinking of ideas. Usually I just bring wine or beer, but I’ve given up alcohol for Lent, and don’t want to tempt myself. Any ideas?

    1. the cat's ass*

      I’ve done thetraditional bread (so you will never be hungry) salt (so your life will always ahve flavor) and money (so you’ll never be poor). the $ is a Sacajawea or silver dollar and then some good gourmet bread and salt and i wrap it all up on a really nice platter that matches the decor.

      1. Texan In Exile*

        Yes! A friend from San Francisco brought the Good Salt and some very cute little salt cellars and spoons.

        I like consumable gifts.

      2. SecondBreakfast*

        I love this idea! And I am a baker, so I can bring a loaf of good sourdough. Thank you!

    2. Texan In Exile*

      I live in Wisconsin and take local cheese. I also take homemade sourdough bread and David Lebovitz’s salty dark chocolate brownies.

      Best gifts received include a jar of bacon grease from the Good Bacon our friends buy. After I moved to WI, a Chicago friend showed up with a snow shovel. (I didn’t know that you need an entire suite of snow-removal equipment.)

    3. Falling Diphthong*

      My aunt brought a huge tray of nice quality mixed nuts last weekend. It did not survive long.

      Real maple syrup. Fancy chocolates. If they cook, unusual spices/olive oils/vinegars. (Really glad of the fig vinegar I got in some forgotten way; now it’s a staple.)

      A small bowl designed for olives–the gifter had stocked up when in Greece. But this was when I was younger and had less stuff.

    5. NoLongerFencer*

      Chocolate covered macadamia nuts, high quality ground coffee (TJ Maxx has cool flavors for budget prices, ie. Lavazza, Starbucks, coconut, pumpkin spice), pralines, See’s caramel lollipops (for non-chocolate treats). Also, fresh fruit (depending on personal preference): large orchard apples or pears.

    6. Overeducated*

      A little less useful, but I adore flowers! Not everyone has the cash or garden to consistently have flowers indoors and they brighten up a space so much.

      For a visit this weekend, my partner made a couple big loaves of the Irish grandma’s soda bread, if baking is an option. A product from your town, like locally roasted coffee or specialties from a local bakery, can also be nice.

      1. Ali + Nino*

        Flowers are great bc ifyour host hates them they won’t feel obligated to keep them very long lol. I’ve also brought tea towels as a gift.

    7. Salymander*

      My ex boyfriend’s mom was the best gift giver. She once brought a set of three herb plants in matching pots on a little matching tray. It was adorable and functional. She also brought flowers in a teapot instead of a vase. I still have the teapot, and it is really pretty. She also gave me a yarn basket that was lined with fabric that could be closed with a drawstring. She put a few balls of really lovely hand spun yarn in the basket. It was perfect.

      I like to bring baked goods. Cookies and soft pretzels are the most popular. People who don’t bake seem really impressed by the pretzels because they seem difficult to make compared to bread. They are actually pretty easy, and way less time consuming to make than sourdough bread.

    8. Aealias*

      I love to bring something that’s local to me. Local honey, jelly/jam/syrup, jerky or dried fish, local crafter’s tea towels or beeswax candles or food-wrappers. Local specialty bread, pastry, cheese.

      Obviously, I also favour consumables.

    9. Sundial*

      The most memorable thing we got was an unusual succulent (something pink, I think a Korean echeveria?). I loved it because the giver was careful to choose a plant that was both robust enough to withstand me (the Angel of Plant Death) and also wasn’t toxic to our cats.

    10. fhqwhgads*

      Chocolate stuffed figs. A friend brought them when staying with us and they were ridiculously good.

    11. cat socks*

      Once when we invited a couple to our house for the first time, they brought toys for the cats. I loved it! If they don’t have pets, I like the suggestion above about bringing something local from your area. I also love getting something like nice kitchen towels or a candle if they are okay with fragrances. I love flowers, but I have a couple of cats who will eat anything.

    12. Veronica Mars*

      If you have a local delicacy that isn’t available to them (maybe not really a thing if they just live across the state) I’d bring that. There’s a local place that makes really awesome toffee and a great local chocolate place with fancy chocolates–I usually grab something from one of those places.

    13. Alexis Rosay*

      I love to receive something edible that is local to wherever my guest is from, whether that’s another neighborhood, state, or country.

  35. Sundial*

    Cat advice: despite otherwise being good about the litterbox, I caught one of our cats multiple times peeing in the dirt around our potted ficus. I’m no stranger to litterbox noncompliance, so I whipped into action. Covering it with river stone, and then again with tinfoil, and spraying it with various citrus and bitter apple products, did not work. It is very dead.

    I am considering buying realistic fake trees to replace it, because I don’t trust him not to continue doing it, and I really want trees. What exactly is in the bottom of fake trees, and do you think it will tempt my repeat offender?

    1. Generic Name*

      I’ve successfully used pinecones to keep my cat from using a larger potted plant as a litter box. They are cones from my ponderosa tree, and they are hard and have spiky parts. For cones are too soft, and not much of a deterrent.

    2. MuttIsMyCopilot*

      I would worry that he’d pee in a fake plant too if there’s any decorative substrate like dry moss or something. I’ve heard of using scotch tape to make a grid across the top of the pot, sticky side up, with squares big enough too water the plant through.

    3. Princess Xena*

      One thing you might want to do is get him checked by a vet, especially since he’s a male cat. When our male started peeing in weird places he turned out to have crystals in his urine and the vet’s theory was that he’d started to associate the litterbox with pain. We got him onto a special diet and now he doesn’t pee outside the litterbox.

        1. Hippeas*

          “just a jerk with a potting soil fetish.”

          That would be a contender for the r/BrandNewSentence subreddit. Thanks for the laugh.

    4. cat socks*

      Hmm…what about mixing a little dirt into the litter box? Maybe the smell will attract him? Is the location of the plant near a window where he may be seeing another cat? One of mine sprays near our sliding door sometimes if he sees another cat outside.

    5. mreasy*

      Stone didn’t stop my little jerk. Eventually I bought a bunch of the tiniest size of plant pot and covered the surface of the soil with it. This did work! She just seemed to go for it because it was the one she could reach and easily fit in. No other peeing outside the box issues.

  36. The Dude Abides*

    Little one just turned 3, and thanks to a recent promotion/pay jump, I was able to start a 529. I don’t expect it to cover 100% of her costs, but I don’t want her to have the student loan debt I and my partner currently carry.

    Any advice/tips from those who have tread down this road?

    1. Just a thought*

      I actually use a Roth IRA to save for college expenses. The ROR is astronomically hire, money grows tax free, and you can withdrawal funds for college expenses (as defined by IRS) without a 10% penalty before you attain age 59-1/2. Please consider looking into it. The difference in investment returns could be substantial.

      1. Double A*

        This would only work if you don’t need a Roth to save for your own retirement, though, right? Because you can only contribute $6000 per year. One of the most important pieces of advice about paying for college is to fully fund your retirement first. I looking into opening custodial Roths for my kids but they have to actually earn their own income in order for anyone to add gift money.

        We have 529s for both kids. We just set an auto payment each month and basically forget about it, like retirement. I don’t look at them that often, like retirement accounts. But my daughter’s account did grow a shocking amount in the past couple of years because of the stock market.

        The thing I’m actually concerned about with a 529 is what if one of my kids doesn’t go to college? I expect they will do some kind of training, but I don’t want so much in there that they would struggle to spend it on, like, vocational training or community college. I’ve looked into other more flexible options but it would basically just need to be a savings account.

        1. The Dude Abides*

          It’s through Brightstart, so those other options do exist.

          Re: my retirement, I have a pension through work and put in a % of my pay towards a supplemental retirement income account.

        2. Lady Alys*

          I believe that as long as the institution participates in the Education Department’s federal student aid program, 529 money can be used for tuition and other qualified expenses.

      2. Daffodilly*

        I’d be VERY cautious about this. Those rules can change at any time, and the lack of penalty is only for your original contributions, NOT for any increase on the earnings.
        Plus, you’re limited in what you can put into a Roth tax free, so you’re limiting your ability to actually save for retirement if you do that.
        I’m unsure how using a Roth might impact your FAFSA and your child’s financial aid earnings as well. But I’m pretty sure that IRAs don’t have the exemptions on that built into the 529.
        If the IRS disallows penalty free withdrawal for college expenses, you could be up a creek.
        529 plans vary on the return and can be just as good as a Roth, without those issues.

    2. Ins mom*

      Grandma here. Make sure your older family knows how easy it is to contribute. Our littles get a token gift on occasions and as much as I can spend into the 529. They already have so many toys and some day will appreciate this I hope

      1. Belle*

        Seconding this! We started a 529 for our little boy shortly after he was born. Many of our relatives love to put money in his 529 for holidays and birthday to help support his education in the future. We had a link we can send when someone asks about it (we mentioned in passing to family we were saving for him and many asked how to help out). Every little bit adds up and it lasts longer than toys at his current age (he is three now).

    3. I need coffee before I can make coffee*

      I’d recommend not using the automated/aged based investment plans if your 529 has them. Opt for making your own investment choices within the plan. Also, don’t go for the “prepaid tuition” option, use the regular investment type plan. I assume most 529’s are similar; you are not limited to college only. In VA you can use it for certificate programs, vocational school, just about any continuing education/career oriented training. You can also change beneficiaries if necessary. As far as using some other method (Roth, etc), the best plan is the one that you actually start and put money into, so having started a 529 puts you miles ahead of a lot of people. You will certainly not regret it it 15 years. I know I didn’t for my 3 daughters (last one is finishing next year).

    4. Eldest Daughter*

      This is maybe a weirdly unusual perspective, but I am the oldest of three children, and none of us needed our 529s.

      I went to college on a full scholarship.

      Both my siblings dropped out shortly after beginning university and trade school, respectively. It’s possible that in the future, one or both of them will go back, but they’re pretty happy in their jobs right now.

      I’m not sure what we’re going to do with the 529 money. It’s tens of thousands of dollars. Apparently the accounts can legally be transferred to a dizzying array of relatives, making them great vehicles for perpetuating generational wealth.

      They could also switch my one brother’s 529 to an ABLE account: a savings account for a person with a disability, which doesn’t affect eligibility for safety net benefits.

      I realize my family is in a weird and very privileged situation (and I fully believe that college should be free!). But not every kid will go to college, or even trade school, even if you make sure they get a great education and upbringing.

      1. Accountant*

        Receiving a tax-free scholarship is one of the qualifying ways to make a withdrawal without penalty (you do pay tax on earnings but *shrug* you did earn income, that’s usually how it works). And at the end of the day, if you’re willing to pay the tax and penalty you can just withdraw the money and spend it on whatever you want.

        1. Eldest Daughter*

          Thanks! I looked into this, and since I graduated years ago it seems the law is unclear on if this is a valid option at this point.

          Good to know I could also just withdraw the money with a penalty, if I want. Thanks!

      2. Double A*

        Yeah, this is my thinking about this. I’m trying to decide how much to max out on 529s for this reason. I do think you can take money out for other purposes, but there’s a penalty.

    5. Alexis Rosay*

      It’s wonderful that you are thinking about this for your child. If you haven’t already, make sure you have saved for your own retirement before or in addition to setting aside money for your child’s education. My partner and I have a high but not crushing amount of student loan debt, but I consider it a great blessing that neither of us have to worry about supporting our parents–some of my friends aren’t so lucky and in addition to stressing their finances, supporting a retired parent causes them a lot of emotional stress and marital issues. Students loans are mainly a financial problem, and we can deal with that more easily.

  37. Just a thought*

    I actually use a Roth IRA to save for college expenses. The ROR is astronomically hire, money grows tax free, and you can withdrawal funds for college expenses (as defined by IRS) without a 10% penalty before you attain age 59-1/2. Please consider looking into it. The difference in investment returns could be substantial.

    2. Doctors Whom*

      The returns on a Roth aren’t any higher than in a 529 unless you are investing differently in the Roth:) If the investment profiles and expenses are similar , the returns will be similar.

      Some people use Roths to good effect for college savings, but a parent has to understand how they interplay with aid calculations. Funds withdrawn from a Roth to use for college expenses count as *income* in the next year’s aid calculations, which is weighted higher than assets.

      Roths also are limited in the amount you can contribute each year. So they may well be a good part of your college savings plan, but YMMV based on context. And, this assumes you don’t need the Roth for your actual retirement savings.

      Where I live I get to write off up to the federal gift tax limit on my state taxes, per taxpayer per kid. :) So I get a tax benefit on the way in *and* on the way out. Public universities are outrageously expensive in our state so I am not worried at all about overcontributing – that’s a problem most people aren’t going to have.

  38. Cruciatus*

    Does something like this exist–a very slow building exercise program? I’ve tried searching and I find things about moving slowly (like Tai Chi), or HIIT stuff. I mean something that builds and builds but starts off so slowly. Something like, 5 minutes of cardio, 10 sit ups, 10 push ups. Do that for a week or two then maybe like, 8 minutes cardio, 15 push ups, sit ups.

    I realize I could just do these things myself, but if I could find a program that has it laid out like this I think I could stick with it (and it might be more interesting than the plan I laid out). I tend to be all or nothing (and lately…more nothing). But I think if I only had to exercise (to start) for a short period of time and learn to fit that into my life, then I could add a few more minutes, then a few more and on and on. I already walk, but I got to my daily step goal after slowly, slowly, slowly adding more steps a day. At first I was overwhelmed by how many steps 10,000 is, and now I can hit that goal easily and beyond because I didn’t start out on day one forcing myself to do 10,000 steps. Does that make sense? I just haven’t been able to find any program that offers anything like this. I’ve tried different search terms, but even most of the beginner workouts want you to invest more time than I think I will actually stick with to start.

    1. Not A Manager*

      I did a quick google search and I see some programs that start slowish and add on more stuff each week. What if you literally began with half the recommended reps in each set, and changed each “week” of one program into a month of that program?

      If it were me, I’d look for something where the exercises/equipment themselves were appealing to me, and then I’d tailor the actual time/reps/sets to what works for me. Make your own list or spreadsheet so it’s an official plan and not you “cheating” every time you look at the recommended numbers on the website.

      Also, pay attention to what feels good to you that you look forward to. I’m not an aerobics type of gal. So instead of trying to force myself to increase something I dislike, I do a very minimum amount of aerobics at each workout (literally running up and down my stairs, that’s it), and I increase/improve things that actually feel good to me, which is stretching and core work.

    3. Jane*

      I feel like Nerd Fitness has some programs like that (or will design them for you), but I think you do have to pay for it.

    4. Falling Diphthong*

      If you can afford a trainer, look for one who works with post-major-medical treatment patients. Who want to rebuild their strength, but really need to go slow.

    5. CatCat*

      I’ve been meaning to try Darebee, which has beginner level training programs. Donation based!

    6. Asenath*

      I found an aerobics program in which the instructors really mean it when they say “do what you can” and “do it at your own pace”. I know that’s not exactly what you are asking for, but I went for a time – a few months, I think – initially believing that the session was 45 minutes and not an hour, and so leaving as they changed to floor exercises. Then I simply skipped the floor exercises until I was able to get up and down more easily. Others leave early too. I suspect it might be easier to find a class that allows you to adjust things than one that starts slow and increases for everyone, if only because most classes have a combination of newcomers and old regulars. And although I still don’t keep up with the instructor, and some days just do my own stretches or whatever for parts of the class, I have definitely found that this rather slow/modified approach has helped me.

    7. kina lillet*

      I liked Mark Lauren’s programs for this. It’s paid unfortunately. But there are video series on his website for like, four weeks of 20 minute videos that focus on mobility and movement, then six weeks of slightly longer videos of ultra light bodyweight exercise, then harder bodyweight exercise…etc.

      Those programs were really instrumental in building a routine, and really helped with my baseline fitness.

  39. Avid Reader*

    Wonderful cat picture today (we call that “vulture-ing” when our cat does it), but no weekly book recommendation from Alison? Part of my Saturday ritual is missing without it.

      1. sequined histories*

        I’m sure for privacy reasons you can’t really tell us how it goes, but I wish you the best. So many teens need a safe and supportive place to live.

  40. A Feast of Fools*

    Let’s talk about bats and how they are adorable sky puppies.

    I opened my patio umbrella one morning last summer and went, “What’s *that*??” because there was something that looked like a cross between a tiny pet mouse and a Buffalo chicken wing in one of the folds of fabric on the outside. It was a bat. An evening bat, to be precise. Cute, fluffy little bugger.

    I contacted a rescue and they said to keep an eye on it over the next few days and just make sure it was flying out at night (i.e., not injured). The bat was healthy so I hosted it in my umbrella all summer and into winter, checking on it in the morning and watching it fly out just after sundown. I even bought a 2nd patio table and umbrella just so I could still have shade in the daytime without disturbing the bat.

    Winter came and temps were about to dip into the 20’s (Farenheit) and that’s too cold for these little bats to survive. So the rescue came out and picked him up on Dec 31. I named him Bennett.

    He has spent the winter in one of the rescuer’s spare bedrooms, in a big cat carrier with four other male evening bats, getting woken up once a week to see if wants any mealworms or water.

    Yesterday, I went to open the umbrella and, as has become habit, checked all the folds before cranking the umbrella open and — tada! — another bat!

    Our temps aren’t stable yet (it was warm Thursday night when, presumably, the bat flew up this way chasing insects but a strong cold front blew through yesterday morning) so the rescuer came back out this morning. This little bat, dubbed “Marvin”, was dehydrated, thin, and had mites. So it’s a good thing he tucked up in my umbrella because today he was given warm sub-Q fluids for hydration, treatment for the mites, and a nice brunch of mealworms.

    Bats are key to keeping harmful insect populations down, not just mosquitoes but crop-eating pests, too, and many species are also pollinators.

    If you see a bat on the ground, don’t pick it up with your bare hands. Put on thick leather gloves or grab a thick towel or fleece blanket and gently scoop it up and into a towel-lined box, like you’re handling a hot potato. A fragile potato. Bats are easily injured.

    And, as temps warm up in the Northern Hemisphere, some young bats who don’t understand temperature swings are venturing out and then getting caught in the cold. They could use our help.

    For more info on bats and how not-scary and beneficial they are, Bat World Sanctuary is a good resource.

    Lastly, the chances of a human getting rabies from a bat — or any animal — are pretty miniscule. Only 1 to 2 people per year get rabies in the U.S. And the only people who have died from it in recent decades had declined treatment for it.

    1. GoryDetails*

      Lovely post on bats, thanks! Hope your little guys continue to do well at the rescue.

    2. tangerineRose*

      I understand that veterinarians and vet techs will sometimes get a rabies vaccine to protect them before they might get bitten.

      1. A Feast of Fools*

        Yep, and for more than bats. They would have no way of knowing if, say, an unfriendly stray/feral cat that has been brought in for spay/neuter has rabies or not.

        And the bat rescuers all have had rabies vaccines since they handle bats bare-handed.

    3. A313*

      Thank you for this! I love bats and want to put a bat house up, but I don’t think I have an appropriate spot, unfortunately.

    4. Dark Macadamia*

      This is so cute! I’m picturing it as if the folded umbrella is a giant bat for the real little bats to snuggle with :)

    5. Generic Name*

      I agree, bats are adorable. I wouldn’t worry about rescuing a local bat in the winter. Some species migrate like birds, and the ones that don’t, hibernate in the winter. They don’t need us humans taking them into an artificial environment to survive the winter.

      My dad got bitten by a bat last year and ended up going through the rabies series. He woke up to a bat on his ankle, and on instinct grabbed it and threw it across the room. My teenage son was fascinated by this story and wanted to know what a bat felt like. I think my dad described it as very soft and velvety.

      If you want to see lots of bats in the wild, there’s a bridge in Austin that houses one of the world’s largest bat colonies. I think it numbers in the millions. They leave the bridge at the same time at dusk, and it was one of the most thrilling natural sites I’ve ever seen. You can also watch cave bats leave Carlsbad caverns, but not nearly as many.

      1. A Feast of Fools*

        Actually, according to the bat rescuers who do this full time, certain bats in my area *do* need rescuing in the winter. Because they’ve seen these species of bats die when the temps drop too low too fast.

        I’m in Texas and have seen the bats in Austin. Thousands of Texas bats died in our “Snowmaggedon” last year, where temps dropped into the single digits and below 0. Any bat saved then — in winter — is a bat that hopefully could rebuild colonies going forward.

        And it is precisely the migrating ones who need our help. Global climate change is causing some seriously effed up temperature swings. A young bat who ventures out in its first season can get caught in an extreme temp drop, like the kind caused by polar vortexes. That young bat wouldn’t have the physical reserves or the experience to survive a 40-degree temperature drop (which we just had a couple of days ago).

        If anyone wants to know what the bats of North America feel like, just pet a fluffy mouse.

        1. Generic Name*

          Ohhhhh, that makes complete sense. I’m in a cold climate where the animals are used to cold temps.

      2. Reba*

        I recently read about a new bridge in my home state that was design to accommodate a gray bat colony! (Look up Kentucky bat bridge.)

    6. Llama face!*

      I love bats so much and don’t understand people who think they are ugly/creepy. During my childhood we tended to find little bats hanging on the brick facing of our house. They were so tiny and adorable and when they stretched out their wings they were perfectly square-shaped. Their faces and furry bodies were similar to mice andd looked so soft. I used up all my limited self control and didn’t try to pet them but it was so tempting! Then we moved provinces and the bats here have smushed looking noses and are not nearly as cute but I still love them. Some day when I live in a place with my own yard I am going to have bat houses so I can enjoy their company.

      1. A Feast of Fools*

        Only certain species of bats will use bat houses, so be sure to check which ones are more common in your area. My ex put a bat house up on really tall pole in my backyard and the only critters who spent time in it were passers-by: snakes, lizards, and wrens. No bats.

        The evening bats that have taken up temporary residence in my patio umbrella are solitary males who prefer a snug, tight space (like in the loosened bark of an old tree) over a crowded bat house with mommas and babies. They’ll also tuck up into the narrow gaps between bricks and soffit edges on houses.

      2. ThatGirl*

        Bats freak me out because the house we lived in when I was a teenager was very old and had bats, they would fly around the living room and dining room. Yes, now I recognize that they are beneficial and didn’t want to be in our house, but even so, I don’t want to see them up close.

        1. A Feast of Fools*

          Yeah, I love cats, too, and have five. But I would freak out if, say, an unfriendly stray or two showed up inside my house, hissing, spraying, and running amok because they were scared, and with no easy way to usher them back outside.

          I also have several friends who were scared and/or bitten by a dog when they were little and are still afraid of them now that they’re middle-aged adults. Like, they’re OK seeing pics or from a distance outside if the dog is leashed, but they do *not* want to get up close and personal with one, even though they rationally know that the vast majority of dogs (especially dogs that are people’s pets) are harmless.

          So, yep, I get it.

      3. tangerineRose*

        When I go to the zoo, I like to watch the fruit bats. They’re cute, but they also look a little like tiny vampires.

    7. marvin the paranoid android*

      Aw, I love bats. I once took mandolin lessons in the attic of an old building and there was often a sleeping bat attached to the rafters. I noticed that every week, the bat had moved a little farther away from the area where we practised. Sorry, bat! You were really cute.

    8. sequined histories*

      Thank you for this charming contribution to this weekend’s conversation. It seems like these particular bats need help because they’ve wandered out of their usual range. What’s the reasoning behind caring for them locally over the winter rather than taking them to a more suitable habitat and releasing them there?

      1. A Feast of Fools*

        This is their usual range. We’ve had roller-coaster temperatures (high of 85F one day and a low of 35F the next), and a fast-moving cold front can outpace a young bats’ ability to fly far enough south to not get caught in the cold. If they can’t seek some kind of shelter — a patio umbrella or a nook in a building’s brick facade — sometimes they drop from exhaustion.

        As for not driving them to a permanently warmer place. . . Three things: (1) Money, (2) Time, and (3) a bat would likely die or suffer in an unfamiliar territory.

        As I said above, I’m in Texas. North Texas, to be specific, close to the Red River border with Oklahoma. To get the bats to a permanently warm place, someone would have to drive 6-10 hours each way. That’s expensive and time-consuming.

        And the bats would just fly up again on the next warm inflow of air because this is their usual area from mid-March through December, depending on the temperatures. Some years, mid-March can get up into the 90’s with lows only in the 60’s. Some years, we’ll have lows in the teens and 20’s. Some inexperienced bats come up with the first chunk of warm air, not knowing that the situation could change on them overnight.

        Additionally, bats know their territories and compete for resources (food, shelter, mates), and a new bat being dropped into the middle of other bats’ territories is likely to not do well. It’s also the reason that trapping raccoons, squirrels, possums, and other wildlife then relocating them somewhere else is a death sentence. The existing territory holders will kill the newcomers.

        1. A Feast of Fools*

          Also forgot to add that not all of the bats found struggling in winter are wayward youngsters. Some are older or have been injured. One of the females at the local rescuers house is missing an eye, likely from a bird or cat. Others get found with torn wings or internal injuries; some are sick and need nursing back to health.

          Just like bees, bats’ populations are declining rapidly. They need all the help we can give them.

          1. A Feast of Fools*

            “Submit” hit too soon, courtesy of my one-year cat who has no clue what boundaries are.

            The ones that are too injured, old, or sick to successfully hunt on their own again are taken to the “mothership” location of Bat World Sanctuary and get to live their lives out in peace and safety. If they’re a social species of bat, they’ll live with their own kind and get to choose their friends.

            Bat World Sanctuary has an informative website (batworld dot org) and an active Facebook page (facebook dot com/batworld dot org). They post videos of the bats in the sanctuary all the time.

    9. Albeira Dawn*

      My family loves bats! One of my favorite stuffed animals as a kid was a realistic-looking fruit bat. Every summer a colony of bats (not sure what species) takes residence in my parents’ chimney and you can hear them chittering to each other. They’re very polite, never come down into the house, and keep the bugs away. 10/10, will host again.

    10. WoodswomanWrites*

      This post makes me so happy! Good for you for rescuing these little mammals. With climate change and the scourge of white-nose disease, bats need all the help they can get.

      I was once lucky enough to help a bat biologist monitor a particular bat population for a night. He caught them in a mist net at the exit of a cave as they emerged for the evening. They were so fragile. When I watched him with the first bat, it was so tangled up in the net that I was sure that it would be impossible to remove without injuring it. Then I watched him quickly and gently unwrap the net with his gloved hands, stretch out the wings, identify the species and measure it, and then let the bat go off into the night. He let me touch them briefly. I had no idea how fragile they were until then.

      Since then, I’ve gone to places where bats have nightly flyouts to watch them head out at dusk. One spot is under a freeway bridge, where a falcon knows to drop by to grab them on the wing.

    11. sswj*

      This is a wonderful start to my Sunday! Thank you for your bat-care and for a lovely post :D

    12. Anima*

      Hu, it just occurred to me that I had bats in my life all my life :D . I mostly grew up in those 4 or 5 story high European rental houses build around 1900, and those almost always have bats. Bats love to sit in the crevices and nooks those old houses have. One of my parents old houses (also such a rental with 12 or 14 units) had a bat hotel on its side and a bigger, rarer bat lived there. It was amazing to see at dusk, smaller bats and those big bat fluttering around the yard.
      I currently live on the top floor in such a rental, and we have a large tree in the yard which is as old as the house, and the tree attracts all kinds of insects (and birds). I’m irritated if there are no bats as soon as it gets warmer. :D Its the cute fluffy kind of bat here and I love them!

    13. Reba*

      Love bats! Are you on Twitter and did you participate in the Bat World Cup hosted by @GiveBatsABreak? Great way to see many cute/strange sky beasts.

      1. A Feast of Fools*

        I am infrequently on Twitter but I will be on there more often now. Thanks for the tip!!

  41. Losing It*

    I’m struggling with how to approach conversations with my best friend about weight loss. We’re both overweight women, and have been in the almost 30 years we’ve known each other. We have had similar experiences with WW and other services, and for a short time we were gym buddies, but she moved away and is less interested in the gym. My work is sedentary; hers is active. Recently she’s tried some doctor-approved drug regimens and is now talking about surgery. I’ve been keeping at the gym but while I’ve had some muscle/strength gains, I’m not seeing the scale move. I’m thinking about talking to my doctor about anything that could help (and probably will), but though I could ask for her experiences I just…can’t? I get jealous when she references her losses (though she seems to mostly end up going back up, and then she tries something new – she doesn’t stick with the same thing long). I want to be supportive, and in the (long ago) past we both talked about how it’s easier to chat with someone who knows what you’re going through, but I just can’t seem to muster the energy to listen now. Like I mentioned, I get jealous, or I get annoyed, or when she moves on or ditches the last thing I get frustrated with her. And when I’m on my own I end up with negative thoughts about what’s not working for me and how I should be more proactive about trying other things. I don’t want to tell her not to talk about her journey, and when we see each other it almost inevitably comes up because we meet and go out for a meal. How do I navigate being supportive and also helping remove myself from conversations that are upsetting me and causing me to fall off my own “only positive thoughts” wagon? What can I do to pull myself back internally and still support her? She’s my best friend, and my circle of friends is small; and my family does not understand my struggles with weight (they ignore it completely). I recognize our journeys are separate and everyone is different, but each time I see her I waver between wanting to know everything she has to say about what she’s tried and wanting to tell-her-to-shut-up-don’t-say-anything-change-the-subject – so that I don’t feel bad after seeing her and need to pull myself out of the funk I’ve created.

    1. Dark Macadamia*

      I think your best option is to just casually say something like “hey, could we try to avoid weight talk this time?” either when you’re making plans or the first time it comes up. Maybe include something like “I spend enough time thinking about my body, I don’t need to discuss it too” if you feel the need to explain but don’t want to sound like you’re having a hard time or that she’s done anything wrong. A good friend will understand, especially given her similar experiences and how well you seem to know each other, but if she gets defensive/says you’re not being supportive that’s on her, not you.

      Fwiw, I’m a fat woman who was always bigger than many of my peers but not always fat. My sister was very thin but has gained weight in adulthood. For awhile when we lived in different states we would talk about body stuff and I was okay with it because we couldn’t really see each other’s actual bodies? But then one time she said a number and I realized her “omg fattest I’ve ever been I hate this” weight is less than my “I would be thrilled if I could ever be that thin and healthy again” weight. I never formally said “let’s not talk about this anymore” but I did start pulling away a lot from those kinds of conversations because I realized “we both dislike our bodies” also, in this case, meant “she dislikes having a body like mine.” So it’s completely fine if you just quietly change the subject and aren’t super responsive to her weight talk.

    2. PollyQ*

      when we see each other it almost inevitably comes up because we meet and go out for a meal

      I know this seems like it’s true, because it’s so incredibly pervasive in our culture, especially for women, but it actually isn’t. It is entirely possible to get together with a friend for a meal and not discuss weight loss or how “good” or “bad” we’re being based on what we’re eating or the state of our bodies AT ALL. And it is absolutely 1000000% fine for you to tell her that those kinds of conversations are upsetting you and that you’d rather talk about other subjects. You can be a good friend to someone and not be their support person/amateur therapist for every single issue in their lives.

    3. Not A Manager*

      I think you can step back from feeling obligated to be supportive. I think if you’re not un-supportive, that’s fine. Can you set some conversational limits a la Captain Awkward? “Friend, I only have about five minute of diet talk in me today. Let’s quickly catch up on our latest, and then move on to something more interesting.”

      I’m curious about your family, though. You say that they ignore your weight struggles, but I wonder if this is because they don’t care very much, or if it’s because they don’t want to inadvertently harm you. Weight issues are so difficult, and any “supportive” comment can easily turn out to be completely unsupportive depending on the circumstances. If there’s something you need from your family, and if you believe in their good will, would you ever consider telling them what would be helpful to you?

      1. Jora Malli*

        I think this is a really good recommendation. It can be really easy to fall into the trap of thinking our loved ones should automatically know what we need and how to talk to us in supportive ways without us having to tell them. I know I’m guilty of it too! It’s totally possible that some of the people we love can see that we’re struggling and want to help us, but not know what kinds of words or actions we’d find helpful, so they end up paralyzed and not doing anything. In those cases, it’s a kindness both to you and to the loved one if you bring it out into the open and talk about both the struggle and the things that could help.

    4. Morning reader*

      Do you need the support of your friend on this weight journey? Does she need yours? It might be better for you both to seek support elsewhere and limit the weight talk between you.
      My best friend and I have a similar problem, although I am not sure she perceives it as much as I do. I am fat, she is not. However she had an eating disorder in her youth and tries not to fall into those patterns again. She is a nurse, and a fitness buff, so it is hard to get out of the habit of consulting her for health advice. A couple of years ago, though, I said to her, “it doesn’t seem to be good for either of us to discuss weight or diet, let’s avoid it.” Sometimes I need to remind myself or steer the conversation away. I think it helps… not our weight journeys, but our friendship.

    5. pancakes*

      The advice you’ve gotten so far seems really good to me, but I want to ask about this part: “I waver between wanting to know everything she has to say about what she’s tried . . .” Why? You say you’ve known this woman for 30 years and she’s been overweight nearly the whole time, and that when she loses weight she mostly re-gains it, and that she doesn’t stick with any particular plan or program for long. Whatever she tries doesn’t seem to work. Which is entirely consistent with what I’ve read about obesity and dieting in recent years. Diets don’t work for most people, for the simple reason that restricting calories doesn’t in itself address the reasons people overeat or binge eat (or otherwise have disordered relationships to food) in the first place. If there was one easy answer that worked for everyone we’d all have heard about it decades ago. Your friend doesn’t have any secret information, tips, or tricks you don’t have.

    6. Cordelia*

      I wonder what would happen if you just said to her what you have explained to us, above? It sounds like you are good friends and know each other very well – perhaps you could just be open with her about how you are not finding the weight talk helpful (it doesn’t sound like its helpful for her either really), and suggest you talk about other things instead. It’s not inevitable that the subject comes up if you meet for a meal – one or both of you choose to bring it up, you can get out of that habit – but maybe for the next couple of meetings after you have this conversation, you could meet to see a show, go for a walk, or something else, just to break the pattern.

    7. RetailEscapee*

      Hello! I have had weight loss surgery and my very close friend of 25 years can not get approval for it. This has changed our dynamic in some ways, but honestly there are millions of other things for us to talk about and I’m no less able to understand her feelings on the weight loss struggle. I may not be where she is now, but I was in the past. If your friend is losing and you aren’t and that makes you jealous, tell her that! She will no doubt remember and relate to the frustration of the diets that failed, and the entirety of her journey not just her current positive momentum. Also- FYI- losing a very large amount of weight did not solve or fix me, or my relationship to food. So even if you or she hit a “goal weight” or size etc you still need to iron out everything else that’s wrapped up in your relationship to your body and your wellness. You’ll want good friends around for this process. Try to have some genuine open dialogue about the issues you raised here, and good luck!

  42. Conversational podcasts auf Deutsch*

    I have a fairly specific question but I thought I’d give it a go, I know there are several German speakers here at AAM!

    A while ago we had a thread about podcasts that consist of two people who like each other and have an interesting conversation. I’m looking for that, but in German. The topic doesn’t really matter, I am just looking for a couple of people who are charismatic, get along well, and have fun talking about something that interests them.

    In English, I like Maintenance Phase, You’re Wrong About, Friendshipping, Coding Blocks, Fortunately with Fi and Jane, Han and Matt Know It All, Jay and Miles X-plain the X-Men.

    If anyone knows anything along those lines but in German, I’d be really grateful for recommendations! I only seem to come across German podcasts that present information, but I just can’t focus unless there’s an engaging conversation to draw me in.

    1. LK03*

      This may not be exactly what you’re looking for, because of course they are aimed at kids. But (as an intermediate-level German learner) sometimes I listen to the podcasts put out by the people from “Die Sendung mit der Maus”. Search on “Die Maus zum Hören”. Each podcast is about 60 minutes long and consists of a series of discussions and interviews around a particular theme. (There are also musical interludes, some of which are in English or occasionally French.) I’m pretty sure most of the segments are structured as interviews or conversations rather than just one person talking. This won’t get you in-depth exposes or great classic literature or anything, but I’ve definitely learned things I didn’t know about science or history or culture.

      Last Thursday they had “Die grüne Insel – Irland” as their theme for St. Patrick’s Day. :)

      And I’ll be watching this thread in case you get more recommendations!

      1. Conversational podcasts auf Deutsch*

        Thank you, LK03! I’ve given it a quick listen and, as you suspected, it’s not really up my alley, but I appreciate the recommendation!

    4. Anima*

      “Methodisch Inkorrekt” is a science podcast, so the two guys present information, but there is an hour long conversation about their live and stuff that happened befor they even get into the science themes. Might be not exactly for you, but try it out!
      “Hoaxzilla” is mostly not information based, lots of laughter and friends who make light fun of and with each other. I recommend “Wildmics specials” here, it’s a larger group of friends then, Hoaxzilla itself is a couple. This might be what you want!

    5. rrll*

      Some German-lang podcasts I’ve listened to (or heard of:)
      – Danke, Gut with Miriam Davoudvandi is a good one I’d recommend that might be along the lines of what you’re looking for. It’s a series of casual conversations between Miriam Davoudvandi (a journalist) and her guests (often musicians) about their personal experiences with mental health. (the vibe is very friendly and low-key, but the subject matter itself can get heavy)

      – There’s also Zeit Verbrechen. That’s true crime, so might be too “informational” in the way you don’t want, but there are multiple hosts/guests, so it’s conversational…

      – My partner sometimes listens to another one called Fest & Flauschig (although I haven’t, since I’m not really interested in it). It’s a podcast by the comedian Jan Böhmermann (kind of a John Oliver type, if you haven’t heard of him) and some other guy. Probably a mix of humor and political commentary, might be kind of over the top, haven’t listened so I can’t really say.

      That’s off the top of my head. If I think of some more, I’ll comment again.

  43. Should be studying*

    I discovered the clinical definition of a narcissist and their enablers/flying monkeys this week and I feel SO VALIDATED!! It feels like my eyes have been opened. I’ve been questioning myself and feeling frustrated at how someone can be so toxic and unfair to me and others yet have no consequences and get away with their problematic behaviour! I cut the narcissist out of my life after only several months of them, but still healing from the emotional trauma, shaming, and gaslighting, etc. I’m also friends with one of their enablers/flying monkeys. The friend is a nice person but lets the narcissist get away with their behaviour even when other people get fed and stop interacting. She doesn’t do anything when the narcissist loses her shit and rages at people, just makes excuses for her difficult past and traumas. It’s extra hard for me because the flying monkey is a close friend but I can’t confide in her anymore. Anyway, just want to share my revelation!

    1. anon24*

      This must feel so freeing for you! It’s good to be validated, but I’m sorry about not being able to confide in your friend.

      Do you happen to have a link or any good resources for easy explanations of this? I have someone in my life like this and while I am removed from the situation and can see what is going on some people I love dearly are very involved and I’ve been trying to help them understand and process the messy emotions as they’re dealing with this. I’ve found a few resources but if you have any good ones I’d love if you’d be willing to share.

      1. Shouldbestudying*

        Yes. I’ve just been watching YouTube videos by psychotherapists. You probably know them already but I found Doctor Ramani and Surviving Narcissism really good and enlightening!

      2. Tired of Being the Target*

        One of the most frustrating things about dealing with narcissistic treatment, is that only people who have been through the same type of situation can believe you.

        The bizarrely entitled behavior and cruelty, can be so far outside normal behavior that normal people would never understand or recognize it. It usually starts small and gets worse slowly, so you may not realize how bad things are until you get out. We try to find logical reasons for the behavior. You can
        be a perfectly normal person and still get sucked in.

        Here are some websites that I found helpful.

        Out Of The Fog is a good place to start. It has a lot of articles and links to helpful resources, and a discussion forum.
        The National Domestic Violence Hotline has a website called thehotline org.
        The Internet Archive has an open source copy of “Why Does He Do That” by Lundy Bancroft (search for “Lundy Why Does He Do That”.)

        1. Should be studying*

          It’s true, only people who’ve gone through a narcissist understand the abuse and trauma. Others just think you’re being overdramatic or you just have problems with someone. It sucks so much that my friend doesn’t understand. She knows the narcissist treats others badly but just chalks it up to a difficult past and lack of control. She even felt I was partly to blame because I violated the narc’s boundaries (because I wouldn’t do what the narc wanted or be controlled). When I told her the narcissist emotionally abused me (the fear, the dread, the walking on eggshells, etc. if you don’t do what she wants), my friend actually didn’t believe me and said it might just be that way to me. Even as I say this, I’m questioning if I should let go of our friendship. It sucks to lose a good friend but this hurts a lot and I don’t want this negativity in my life.

          1. Generic Name*

            I’m right there with you. I had to cut off several “friends”, one who I thought I was especially close to, after my divorce. In some ways, it was very strange, but when I think about it more, the thing his flying monkeys have in common is low self esteem. My ex is fairly attractive and dresses well, and I think these ladies enjoy orbiting him.

          2. Not So NewReader*

            Other people have a difficult past and had problems with control over their circumstances or themselves and yet they manage not to abuse people. The problem comes in when there is an element of truth to why the person is the way they are. It becomes an individual decision as to how much each person will put up with from this person. You have met your boundary. Your friend has not.

            In order to talk to people about difficult subjects they have to be ready for the conversation. Your friend is not ready yet. She might be ready tomorrow or she might never be ready. She has to hit that boundary before she will be ready.

            If you want to keep your friendship, I have one thought that has helped me: not everyone is for everybody. Perhaps your friend will have better luck helping this person. Perhaps this person will be more willing to let your friend help them. My wise friend pointed out that sometimes we have to “get out of the way” so others can get into the mix and perhaps help in ways we can’t.

            Maybe you can use the approach of “I can’t help our mutual friend, maybe someone else will” to help you land everything peacefully and encourage this friend to talk about other things and retain your own friendship with each other.

            I dunno, I am not there. In the end you have to keep to your boundaries and keep your own life healthy. The answer may be for you to step back and back, incrementally, and see where that puts your friendship.

  44. WoodswomanWrites, sunscreen question*

    A few months ago, I posted here about difficulty finding a mineral sunscreen (rather than a chemical one). My challenges were that the ones I tried were ineffective, caused my skin to react, had a smell I was sensitive to, and/or were difficult to wash off,. I appreciated all the great suggestions.

    I finally found one I like made by MD Solar Sciences, but I’m still working on getting the hang of applying it. I’m not burning to the degree that I was with others, but still getting some sunburn. I’m used to the chemical sunscreens I used for years that I’d apply every few hours on my face. That worked and I didn’t get burned. I know you have to apply the mineral one more often, but apparently I’m either not putting on enough at a time or not applying it often enough.

    Am I just not slathering on enough? Not putting it on frequently enough? I’m not swimming or sweating excessively, so that’s not a factor. I welcome advice from those of you who have used mineral sunscreen successfully.

    1. Former Dermatology Nurse*

      Good on you for taking sun protection seriously. If you’re still burning you are probably not using enough for full coverage and also almost no one reapplies often enough. The standard recommendation is reapplying every 80 minutes (or more frequently depending on if it is wiped or sweated off, people often underestimate how much they wipe off on hot days). Mineral sunscreens don’t rub in the same, people who switch might underuse because of this and to avoid the whitish cast to the skin. I would try to really up both the amount you’re using and the reapplication time, although it’s best used in conjunction with hats and sun protective clothing. I burn just thinking about the sun so I have to maniacally reapply all summer long.

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        Thank you, this is really helpful. It makes sense that I’m basing the amount on what I used to apply for the chemical sunscreen, which I used effectively for years when I was working outdoors professionally. I wasn’t getting burned until I switched to a mineral version.

        I recently got a tinted version of the sunscreen to avoid the whitish cast, and I’ll work on applying it more often. I already wear a wide-brimmed hat and sun protective clothing, so it’s good to know that’s useful.

      2. Kay*

        My derm just told me to reapply every 30 minutes!! I can honestly say I’ve never reapplied often enough at this rate..

  45. anon for this*

    Advance warning for heavy subject matter involving possible child abuse (no details).
    *
    *
    *
    Sorry if this isn’t the right forum for this, but I heard Heather Havrilesky say the following on a podcast the other day (referencing childhood sexual abuse) and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it:

    “I think there are a lot of people who have been through something similar and they can’t even classify what happened, they don’t even know or remember what it was about this person in their life but when they see the person, they lock up and they know something’s menacing there, something’s wrong.”

    I’ve had this exact experience with a close family member, and I’ve never been able to talk to anyone about it because whatever the original experience was, it’s too clouded by now for me to examine it. It’s just the emotion that’s stayed with me. This is the only time I’ve ever heard such a precise description of how I feel and it’s making me wonder if I’m not alone in this.

    I just wanted to ask if anyone else has had or heard of something like this? I’m trying to look for the language to bring it up with my therapist, but I’m really afraid of being dismissed or for her to think something is wrong with me. If there are other people who have felt the same way, it would make me feel a lot better. Thank you!

    1. Squidhead*

      I have had the experience maybe one step further than what you describe. I’ve run across a name from my childhood…either a family friend or a peer of my own…and being aware that I had a memory of a very intense feeling about this person, but now with the passage of time I’m actually not sure if the feeling is good or bad. I was a sensitive kid who got picked on a lot, so chances are I am remembering some kind of bullying or unease, but I’m genuinely not sure- maybe I’m remembering that this person was nice when others weren’t! I agree, it’s hard to describe how the visceral feeling of “emotion” can come back without even being sure what the emotion is.

      I do also have a very clear memory of a creepy interaction with a male family member when I was around 12. No harm done, I guess (she says, since creepy interactions with men are pretty much normal for tween girls, ugh), but I remember mentioning it to my aunt (this man was the age of her parents) and she then mentioned it to my other aunt in a laughing way “Squidhead thought X was creepy” and since these two women grew up with this man frequently in their house I’ve always wondered how much subtext was going on in that conversation that I wasn’t aware of. I know that my own interaction was pretty benign but I wonder what their experience had been, and I’ve never asked my aunt why she responded the way she did or if there was more to the story. Those waters start to seem pretty deep all of a sudden, and I understand your hesitation.

    2. Pandamotion*

      I think you can bring it up with your therapist in the same way you brought it up here – start with what you heard from Heather H and go from there. Or you can start even further back, by saying you have something you want to discuss but are afraid she/he (your therapist) will dismiss you or not believe you. A good therapist will want to know why you feel that way.

      If your therapist does dismiss you or doesn’t believe you, that is a sign this therapist might not be right for you.

  46. Cosmic Colors*

    I’ve been dipping my feet back into dating scene the last few months. It has been interesting and resulted in nothing long lasting. For context, I have children and live in a mobile home in a community. (I could buy a regular home but my place was brand new when I bought it for much less, the community is quiet, thoroughly background checked before people move into the community, and my kids go to a great school.) Also, I have an elderly family member that lives with me due to health issues but could live in a costly home.

    I have noticed my entire life that dating people of different socioeconomic backgrounds never seems to work out. Like a few dates will progress, and then they find out I live in a trailer and it’s a deal breaker for everything. I grew up poor and my parents had no financial literacy. My siblings and I have done well in breaking the cycle. I have a middle class job and have enough saved that if I were fired on Monday, I would be ok for a long time.

    On to the dilemma, is this the norm of our society or is there hope for bridging a gap between socioeconomic backgrounds that does not come in the form of a bad romance movie?

    1. Generic Name*

      This is an interesting question about dating. It sucks that people stop dating you when they find out you live in a mobile home. I actually come from the opposite side of this, in that I grew up more “upper class” (country club membership, cotillion, debutante) and my husband grew up in a trailer house. He did not go to college and works in the trades. I make more than twice what he makes.

      I think it’s definitely typical for couples to come from similar backgrounds, for sure. I think what makes bridging the gap possible is for each person to have an open mind and not buy into stereotypes. I think the key to avoid bad romance movie plot lines is to focus on mutual respect. The higher earner/class person should not look down on the other person, even if it seems to be benevolent. I do not for one second look down on my husband. He’s an amazing man and an amazing father. He had an extraordinarily difficult upbringing, and it’s made him who he is today.

    2. Definitely*

      Definitely! I grew up in the upper class (country clubs, private schools kindergarten-college, million dollar home, parent was a statewide politician) but my fiancé wasn’t so lucky (parents had to make the choice between eating and the housing bill multiple times). We’re very happy.

    3. marvin the paranoid android*

      I feel like with any kind of socio-cultural divide in a close personal relationship, there is the potential for extra tension or friction some of the time. If you’re able to bridge that gap, though, it can make the relationship deeper and more meaningful. I think a lot comes down to how willing the more privileged person is to grow and recognize that there is probably a lot to learn about the other person’s experience. I think it can help if the person who has more privilege in one area has experienced marginalization in another, although sadly that isn’t always enough to inspire empathy.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      I think age levels the playing field a lot more than we realize. Some one who has some life experience under their belt will actually be in awe of you and how you are handling your life.

      This isn’t totally about a trailer. You are a person who honors commitments (kids, elder fam member) and clearly you are very responsible with your finances. It would not surprise me to find that some people actually find you to be “more adult” than they are? I am not sure how to say this, please bear with me. You might exude expectations and not even realize. Some people don’t like having things expected of them, like being financially responsible and caring for family members. I would think this type of person would find excuses and move away from you. This is because they know that you expect them to be responsible in their own lives also.

      Think about it this way. You’re probably not interested in someone who isn’t working and plays video games all day, right? You’re probably interested in someone more like yourself who works at their life and their circumstances. My suggestion is to continue to be you and trust that the people who opt out were not for you. You sound like a wonderful person and the right person will notice that. I don’t think the trailer factor weighs in as much as it appears.

      1. Anono-me*

        Building on the last three sentences. Maybe the trailer life is actually a helpful factor in your dating. I’m a fairly tall woman and back when I was trying to navigate the dating jungle; I found that wearing high heels within the first few dates was a good way to quickly and easily weed out the wrong for me guys. So maybe ask yourself “Is
        someone being uncomfortable dating a person who’s home is a trailer home a single obstacle or a red flag indicating more issues?”.

    5. Gnome*

      Interesting to me I’d that it doesn’t sound like you are in any way poor. In fact, you sound like you have more financial stability than most middle-to-upper income folks! You are probably comfortable in a trailer because of your background, and that’s probably also allowing you to save gobs of money… So kudos to you!

      Now, money, in general, can be a big issue in relationships. If one is a saver and the other is a spender… Or if both are big spenders and don’t have the income to support it… Well, you can see the room for conflict. So, maybe the thing is that you grew up poor, so you want stability (guess based on not stretching finances to move to a bigger place, for instance). Would you want to move to a different place if you were married? Had kids? Is this something where you can say “I’m here now because I’ve had no reason to move and I like stability, but I’d also like to move to X or Y type of place when there’s a reason to,”

      I think being really honest with yourself about your money choices, how you feel about various money related trade-offs (retirement savings vs buying a house, etc) and being open about it are the best bet.

      My two cents anyway.

    6. Morning reader*

      I don’t know if the trailer itself is the issue, but if it is, you could try going longer before they see your place. It’s standard when you have kids to avoid introducing them to your date until the relationship looks solid, perhaps a few months in. So it might not be too hard to do.

      I have a similar background and I think, for me, the trouble with the economic difference is partly on my end. I grew up believing that most rich people are jerks. (And, my life experience has often reinforced that.) so,in a relationship with someone better off, or who has been raised better off, there can be a psychological barrier. Sometimes based on real things (omg he doesn’t know how to do his own laundry!) and sometimes on my issues (omg why does she think shopping is a fun activity, does she like spending money frivolously?) the phrase “more money than sense,” in my mother’s voice, crops up in my mind.

      This may not be relevant to your situation. I think it goes to mutual respect that is necessary in any friendship. Maybe they don’t respect your choice to live in a trailer. I have a hard time respecting someone who is Spoiled Scion of Capitalist, unless I see that they have overcome that upbringing in some way. So those are my biases. Maybe you have some too? It’s ok to have biases in dating, I think, because it’s all about the fit between you and the other person.

    7. mreasy*

      In my dating life, I was never able to be serious with anyone wealthy. I grew up lower-middle class and all of my serious partners – and my husband – are the same or grew up less fortunate. I dated a few “rich kids” in my 20s and 30s and just…couldn’t relate to them on a basic level. For me, working since I was a young teen and struggling in college & my 20s was a big part of what made me who I am, and I couldn’t find enough in common with kids who grew up with money, who generally couldn’t relate. Frankly, I don’t want to hire anyone who is clearly from money either, but that’s something I’m actively working to combat in myself.

    8. Turtle Dove*

      If some people opt out of dating you after they find out you live in a trailer, that’s disappointing but also helpful. They weren’t a good match for you.

      I’m like you and value a simple lifestyle with money in the bank. My parents moved us to a fancy city when I was ten, but we didn’t have enough money for the nice lifestyles of most of my classmates. I could have grown up determined to aim for that lavish lifestyle for myself. But I decided instead on simplicity and financial security. I picked a partner with the same preference.

      We have an in-law who looks down on us. He thinks it’s ridiculous that we drive 15-year-old cars when we can afford new and keep our clothes for years instead of buying fashion trends each season. (He buys all that stuff but can’t afford it, so he has the stress of financial insecurity.) We’re not close to that in-law, but it isn’t really because of our different lifestyles. It’s because he doesn’t respect us and our choices. If some of the people you date likewise don’t appreciate or respect you and your choices, I think it’s good that they opted out.

    9. RC Rascal*

      How about teeing up the issue early on?

      On a first date you could state that financial responsibility and living within your means are an important part of your value system.

      On a later date you could elaborate a bit more and explain how the trailer fits into your sense of personal responsibility. That way when they see the trailer they won’t be taken off guard.

      As an aside , my uncle used to live in a trailer and he is now very wealth. If he hadn’t married my aunt he might still be living in it! He is very responsible with money and savings.

  47. I don't mean to be rude, I'm just good at it*

    I hate meeces to pieces and I had a feeling we had an unwelcome guest visiting us this past week.

    My wife hollers, “Come quick, we have a big mouse in your office.”

    My first thought is, “UGH!” and I run down to the office. The first thing I notice, the blinds are chewed up; not a good sign. I start to move boxes and my wife shrieks. From under my desk runs a chipmunk.

    He remained on the same floor; we opened the back door and put some peanuts inside and outside. When we come back later, the peanuts were all gone. I placed some more peanuts inside by the back door and three days later they are still there.

    I just got back from Lowes and replaced the blind.

    I’m considering buying an AK-107 with a grenade launcher and going to war against all the chipmunks hidden all over my lawn.

    1. Just a name*

      Just need to figure out how the little thing got in and close it up. If a chipmunk can get in, all the mice can as well. We have some persistent squirrels at out last place. Chewed like heck to gnaw their way in. Just don’t want to close off any space where they might have a nest, because dead rodents will begin to stink. We called in professionals and they trapped a squirrel. Once they determined it was not a lactating female, they closed the hole up because they knew no babies were nesting.

      1. Reba*

        A squirrel once lived in my parents’ house for about two weeks, lol. It was around the holidays and they would come downstairs to ornaments scattered off the tree, etc.

        Unless you can attract a hawk or similar predator to hang out regularly, you will never succeed at actually reducing the number of squirrels or chipmunks. All you can do is get better at keeping them out — and then do that over and over again. I know I am more sanguine about this than others, I guess to me this is just a fact of life — like, I get that it is distressing to have wildlife in one’s house but also, it happens. Houses are not perfectly sealed bubbles, rodents exist, and so the cycle continues until the end of time!

    2. the cat's ass*

      We had a deer mice infestation a couple of years back after a housefire loosened up a floor board and they could squeeze through. Our housemate took me into his room to show me the mom and babies that had made a nest in his desk drawer, and the nest was made of his rental agreement! We captured them all, they went outside, and we fixed the floor.

  48. Tired of Being the Target*

    I’m looking for a new apartment and I have to be out of my current place by April 30th. The landlord for the place I wanted changed his mind and now wants a man to take the apartment. I know it is illegal, but I just don’t want to fight it.
    Is it late to be looking for a new place for my April 30th move date? I could put my stuff in storage and keep looking for awhile if I have to.
    Have you been in this situation and how did you handle it? I’m feeling really alone (no friends or family available) and worried about this and I need to hear that it will be OK.

    1. BRR*

      I find all real estate, especially rentals, operates on a short timeline. I’ve never understood it because you would think everyone involved would like the advanced timeline. But every place I’ve lived would have places available with a month and a half notice.

      1. fueled by coffee*

        Yeah, ~6 weeks is pretty normal in my city! When I’ve historically looked 2-3 months out, lots of rental agents would tell me that they were only just posting apartments (in early June, say, for a mid-August move). At least in my area, it’s common for landlords to require tenants to provide 60 days notice if they won’t be renewing their lease – hence the <2 month time frame for apartment hunting.

        You will *likely* run into the issue, though, of having a May 1st lease start date and an April 30th move-out date, so it can help to plan ahead (load up a U-Haul and find someplace to park it overnight and book a cheap hotel room, or find a moving company willing to store your stuff overnight), or to try to overlap the leases.

        (But also, wtf is wrong with your expected new landlord???)

    2. WoodswomanWrites*

      Where I live, there are rentals being advertised now for a May 1 move-in. It’s also common to have a move-in date on the fifteenths of the month instead of the first. If your financial situation allows you to double-up for a bit, that may be a solution. If so, one possibility is finding that has an April 15 move-in date so you’d only need to overlap by a couple weeks with extra rent.

      And while I understand why you don’t want to fight with the landlord who’s breaking the law by saying he now wants a man instead, perhaps you may find the energy to report him once you have moved into a new, secure place and aren’t so vulnerable. His behavior is so wrong. You might even get some compensation out of it.

    3. Alex*

      It really depends on where you live, but even where I live, where it is normal to have a many months cycle, you can find things on short notice! I did–I was in your situation before. I needed to be out August 1 and in June I still hadn’t found a place! I was really discouraged and planned to put my stuff in storage in live in my car! But I did find someplace with two weeks to spare.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      Odd things can happen and it is very possible for this to land well. I had a friend who was looking for a place. She viewed one place that she really did not care for. In the course of conversation, the LL let fly that the house across the street had an apartment coming open pretty soon. (Different owner.) My friend did her homework. The place across the street was slightly larger and around the same price. She made sure she was the first in line to see the place and talk to that LL. She is now happily in her new sunny, larger space and doing quite fine.

      Keep your ears open because these odd bits of info can come out.

  50. Chili pepper Attitude*

    Has anyone ever done any kind of archeological holiday? Something where you learn how they run a dig, see a site, and learn the history?

    We see a lot of things online, mostly for kids, but we are almost retired. And we want to hear from someone who took a tour like that. We don’t care if it is Ancient Rome or Neanderthals or dinosaurs or anything.

    Thanks for any suggestions or experiences.

    1. GoryDetails*

      I looked into archaeological-dig opportunities some years back, the kind where you basically pay to be an untrained volunteer to do grunt-work on site, and still regret that I didn’t actually sign up for one. But – especially now that I’m getting along in years – I suspect that it would be pretty uncomfortable; lots of crouching in one place sifting for shards, the very thought of which makes my knees ache in sympathy now… There might be a wider variety of options these days (at least in places where travel’s opened up again), but I don’t know if there are ways to specify physical limitations (I wouldn’t mind lots of walking, but the crouching-for-long-periods would do me in) or rooming situations (could handle a solo tent, would not want to share a tent/hotel room if I could avoid it) or climate (cold might be OK, extreme heat definitely not).

      If you’re talking about tours to active sites where you can visit but are not expected to help work them, that’s a different matter. I’ve read about quite a few urban excavations as well as the more far-flung ones – but I have no idea if they let people get close enough to watch; space and safety may be a concern.

    2. Same boat*

      Are you open to actually assisting with the archaeology? If so, look into field schools, which are primarily for people in undergraduate and graduate programs, but others are welcome to join too. If I recall, there are some websites where they get posted, and they vary in duration from maybe 1-2 weeks to multiple months. On occasion, there’s the opportunity to join for part of a longer duration (e.g. for three weeks of a 6-week field school), and if so, you’ll want to join during the first part to get all of the introductory info. It’s physically intensive, unless they can use the help specifically in the lab; if that’s what you’d need, be sure to reach out to the head of the dig before booking to see if it’s possible.

      NB: Dinosaurs are paleontology, not archaeology.

    3. Anon Archaeology Hobbyist And Field School Participant*

      If you mean participating in an archaeological dig, yes, the way to go is with an archaeological field school (that’s your search term). You’ll pay tuition, travel, and possibly room and board for the privilege of spending a couple-few weeks in a remote area, maybe camping, and doing the literal dirty work of a university academic’s investigation. You’ll be on your knees for hours at a time scraping with a trowel, taking buckets of soil to a screen, and bagging and mapping what you find. Some days you’ll be indoors cleaning and maybe sketching the finds. Consider your physical strength and stamina: How do you feel after doing any gardening or light landscaping? How well do you think you can handle physical work outdoors in the summer? I did a couple of field schools in my 20s and my back was killing me by the early afternoon, some days. Consider the people you’ll be working with: the principal investigator and likely a few of their students. You’ll be working with young adults and the professor will be your boss. Some people won’t enjoy getting into that kind of dynamic, while for others it’s not a big deal.

      If you mean taking a tour of archaeological sites, your search term is archaeological tour TopicName or cultural heritage tour TopicName. The Archaeological Institute of America hosts tours (search: AIA Tours). One outfit I’ve seen advertised in Archaeology magazine (the AIA’s journal) is World Heritage Tours.

      1. overeducated*

        Adding to this- you can sometimes find archaeological volunteer opportunities on the AIA site as well. And if you live near or drive to a historic site with a continuous archaeology program (e.g. estates of early presidents), it’s likely they’ll have public archaeology days for people to come watch and learn, either on an events page or more casually through the season. Summer is peak for this because the field crews are usually college students.

    4. osmoglossum*

      Also check out Earthwatch (earthwatch dot org).

      From their website: Earthwatch is an international nonprofit organization that connects citizens with scientists to improve the health and sustainability of the planet. For the last 45 years, Earthwatch has empowered nearly 100,000 volunteers to join leading scientists on field research expeditions that tackle critical environmental challenges around the globe—from climate change to ocean health, human-wildlife conflict, and more.

      Pre-pandemic, they had a lot of archaeological expeditions — i just checked and currently they have two.

    5. Off My Lawn, You Must Get*

      We saw several people doing it while we were visiting Vindolanda on Hadrian’s Wall. I love the idea but US vacation amounts and UK holidays do not match.

  51. MsChanandlerBong*

    Can anyone recommend a good chair for a short person (under 5′ tall)? It’s for my home office, but I’ll also be using it for gaming, and we will roll it out to the living room when needed for game nights and other occasions (so I think this is okay for the weekend thread since I’ll be using it at home for non-work uses).

    I am willing to spend up to $350 for something that is really comfortable and works well with my short stature. My main problem with chairs is that I’m never comfortable. If I sit all the way back in the chair to take advantage of the lumbar support, my feet don’t reach the floor, which strains my lower legs and causes my feet to swell. If I scoot forward on the seat, my feet reach the floor and they don’t swell up, but then the edge of the chair cuts off the circulation in my upper legs. This happens even if I lower the chair as much as possible.

    If no one has a chair in mind, I’m also open to suggestions on things like cushions, armrests, footrests, etc. I have a nice desktop computer that I never use because I can’t stand sitting in my chair, but sitting with my legs crossed while I use my laptop isn’t doing me any favors, either. I basically sit hunched over, so instead of my legs and feet hurting, my shoulders, chest muscles, and arm muscles are in knots.

    1. WoodswomanWrites*

      I’m five feet tall and had the best office chair ever at a former workplace. They had hundreds of employees but all used this same chair model because it was so adjustable. I liked it so much that I found one on eBay for a subsequent job. Now working just from my home office, I’ve been using the same comfy cast-off someone gave me years ago and I have no idea what model it is. While I don’t remember the manufacturer and model of the chair I used at my previous jobs, I can easily find out and post the info in next week’s open thread if that would be helpful. A used version should be in your price range.

    2. Fellow Traveller*

      This is probably not terribly specific, but I have a rolly chair that was my husband’s when he was a child and it’s just the right height/size for me (I’m 5’2”, so a little taller than you.) It was a desk chair specifically designed for children.
      I also use a footrest at work- nothing fancy, just literally a small wooden step about 8” high that someone cobbled together for me.

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        Echoing the footrest. The one I have is a black plastic rectangle of a triangle-shaped metal base, so it can move.

        1. WoodswomanWrites*

          That’s supposed to say ON a triangle-shaped metal base, and the black part moves.

    3. acmx*

      I think will be a little high for you (I’m 5’1″) but I have a bungee cord chair from The Container Store. I’m able to sit all the way back with my feet touching the floor flat (when wearing shoes). I have the regular one. There’s also a flat cord version that has arm rests.
      Sometimes the cords can be uncomfortable so I put a throw blanket on it. But I’ve been sitting on it directly today no problem.
      I’ve used a yoga block and an old running shoe box as a footrest.

  52. The Walker After John*

    I’ve seen so much about walking 10,000 steps and how good it is for your health as a starting/easy exercise. I have a few questions I’d love input on.

    First – those who built up to 10,000 steps successfully (because I am definitely nowhere near that – WFH, for one thing): how long did you take to do it? How many steps did you start with, and what increments did you build up with over what time frame? 100 added every week? 1,000 added every month??

    Second – for those who walk and live in colder climates: how do you motivate/get your steps in in the cold? I live where the wind hurts your face in the winter (and sometimes into spring). I can walk in weather when it’s warm enough, but how do you get out when it’s OMG stupid cold outside? Do you walk at home? If so, how? Do you substitute with something else? And relatedly – if you live somewhere where it’s not necessarily cold enough to prevent walking, but it gets ICY…any recommendations about how to deal with that? Quite often it’s OK weather to walk but the sidewalks are a serious threat from melting snow freezing into ice; the city does not do enough to keep it all cleared off, which is a problem! How do you combat that or work through it? TIA for any input!!

    1. Daffodilly*

      FYI 10,000 steps is NOT research based, it’s origin is a company marketing campaign trying to sell pedometers.
      Sounds like another indoor activity might be best your you, but if you really want to walk indoors, mallwalking is a real thing. 25 years ago I worked in the office of a mall, and we had a whole league thing going with leaderboards and prizes and everything. Might be an warmer and less icy option.

      1. Dark Macadamia*

        I did this during the summer when I lived in Arizona! Anywhere with AC and no admission fee was popular there. I even went to a couple new mom exercise classes which were kind of ridiculous because you’re like, doing lunges with a stroller next to the Macy’s or whatever, but at least I wasn’t the only one lol.

        My area doesn’t get super cold, but in winter I just add layers. Usually a fleece zipup with a coat over it, hat and gloves, wool socks. I carry a small backpack even when I’m just walking for an hour and don’t need “gear” so if I get too warm in the layers I can pack stuff away easily. I didn’t walk often the winter I lived in Chicago, and once went back inside to Google “can your eyeballs freeze” so I can’t say that I had a good strategy for extreme cold, lol.

      2. allathian*

        Yes, the 10k steps idea was actually a marketing ploy for a pocket watch sized Japanese pedometer that was launched in the run-up to the first Tokyo Olympics in 1964!

        I second the mallwalking, that’s what my MIL is doing. It’s spring, temperatures are above freezing during the day and below at night, which makes for very icy roads and sidewalks. Even when sidewalks are gritted, the grit tends to sink into the ice during the day and freeze over at night. I wear studded boots when it’s really bad, although never indoors (very slippery on hard floors, can scratch anything softer than granite).

        1. The Walker After John*

          Thank you for this information! I did some digging based on the comments that 10k is a myth/not scientifically based, and wow, there is a lot out there about this. It makes me feel so much better – like I’m not “failing”; to know that this number is pretty irrelevant. That makes this journey a much easier one to work on, and changes my perspective immediately. Thank you for the boost to my motivation, and the perspective I needed.

    2. Oysters and Gender Freedoms*

      I worked up slowly. Started by just walking my regular amount for a couple weeks to see my baseline, then set goals. Tried to go up 1000 a month but didn’t meet that goal. I don’t do it every day. My max is something like 25,000.

      I don’t have ice where I live, so I don’t know if they work, but there are lightweight crampons for city walking. There are also battery operated heated jackets and vests! You don’t have to have them on all the time but when you start to get cold you can turn on the heat and it feels sooo good.

    3. LMK*

      I read an article in the New York Times that said that 6000 steps a day is actually the optimal amount. I live in a winter city where outdoor walking is as bad as you describe. Believe it or not, I manage to get more than enough steps by walking around my fairly small apartment. I’m just waiting for the sidewalks to be clear of ice and/or puddles so I can get outside again.

    4. Morning reader*

      I don’t care about the 10,000 steps, but I am trying to walk more as it’s usually my only form of exercise. I joined a gym with an indoor track and use that. Many towns have rec centers with similar arrangements and those are not usually too expensive or free to residents.
      I go about every other day and it’s great when it’s too messytowalkoutside. I may continue in good weather because, even though it’s boring, I can space out without watching my step. A couple of years ago I tripped and broke an ankle when I was looking at the sky or trees or something.need to be more spatially aware on outside walks.
      I usually go a little over 2 miles (24 laps, or 40 minutes) and that comes out to a little over 6,000 steps.

      1. The Walker After John*

        Thanks – I’ve never used an indoor track, but my last gym shut down (thanks again Panini), so I will factor that into my (slim) choices – I like the idea of an indoor place to walk; my apartment is pretty small, but I find if I go round in circles I start…leaning?…into the middle. Uneven sidewalks do make me wary of outdoor walking!

    5. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I still don’t actually do 10k steps a day, my average is more like 7500 or so. In general, my three big motivations for things are money, bling, and streaks. Money is pretty obvious, bling is like medals or such I can show off as a visible accomplishment, and streaks is anything where I get a pop-up of “you have done (whatever) x many days in a row!” So for me, to make sure I get my steps in every day, I do a combination of StepBets and virtual challenges through an app called The Conqueror.

      StepBets are – you pick a group bet (most of them are 6 weeks, but I’ve done them ranging from 3 to 8), the app analyzes your recent stepping activity (from your Fitbit or tracker) and tells you what your “normal” day goal and your “extra” day goal will be based on your own recent activity, and if it works for you, put your bet into the pot (usually $40). Usually you have to do 4 “normal” days and 2 “extra” days per week, with one freebie day, and at the end, everyone who’s met the requirements splits the pot. (If you don’t complete a week, you’re dropped out and you get nothing.) I usually get $48 or so back off a $40 pot. There’s my money motivator.

      The Conqueror lets you pick a route somewhere in the world – currently I’m working on a walk around Niagara Falls, I’ve done Yellowstone Park, the Grand Canyon, the Ring of Kerry, Angkor Wat, the length of the Berlin Wall, I’ve done a ton of them – and you can either manually enter your steps (or other exercise, I did the English Channel on my rowing machine) or have your tracker automatically update it daily. You get postcards and updates about the area along your way, and when you finish, they send you a big blingy medal. There’s my bling motivator.

      And for the streak, on my phone I have an app that I tick the ticky box every day when I finish that day’s allotment of steps for my bet and update them to the Conqueror app, and yesterday was 173 days in a row that I’ve done that. :)

      (When the weather is crap, I do have a treadmill, but I’m honestly just as likely to jog in place in front of my TV, if I have more than half of my daily steps done already by the time the evening rolls around. I need to get better about using the treadmill though, since I spent money on the thing.)

      1. The Walker After John*

        Motivation is something I struggle with. I ‘ve heard of the Conqueror – seen it advertised online. Perhaps I’ll look into that, though I’m not sure what I’d do with a medal once I got it. I’ve never heard of StepBets – that’s pretty hardcore, to actually use money, but it may just be the sort of motivation I need to light a fire under me; I will definitely check it out. I do like the idea of keeping up a goal day after day, but building the streak is a lot easier once it’s already started; those first few days are the hardest. Thanks so much for all your suggestions!

    6. Trixie*

      If I had a garage/space and funds, I would look at a treadmill at home. Depending on how often it was icy, this plus mall walking provides a couple options.
      Rather than counting steps, I will often look at the times instead. Smaller walks of 15-20 minutes, or combined with 30-45 minutes. I check my pace to keep my heart rate up, unless I’m on an incline which immediately challenges me. It’s definitely a matter of working my way into the routine and not push it to happen overnight. It may feel like more of a struggle at first but when becomes a much-needed release. It’s always easy to fall out of the habit and for me, does need some attention to make sure I’m consistent as much as possible.

      1. The Walker After John*

        Time instead of steps is a great idea – my work is very “chunks of time” based, so using that for walking instead of trying to hit a step goal could be a great change in perspective.

    7. Doctors Whom*

      What I have found to be useful about “10K steps per day” is that it is quantifiable, and it is generally more movement than I will get just in the course of an office day. It requires doing something extra. I used to run long distances and got away from it due to a combination of injury and life, and this has been a good way to be able to say “yes I am more active.” So if you want a goal like this…

      What I advised a friend, that worked for him, was figure out your average daily # steps. Just go about your life for a week. Then try to get to 10% more than your daily average for a week. Then another 10% (pick your percentage.) SO you are getting it in, but the activity becomes a regular part of your life.

      For icy conditions, they sell an awesome thing for runners called YakTrax wihch strap on to the shoe. THey also sell knockoffs at Costco and the like. For super cold, I would do as PP suggested and either find a mall/indoor place or see if you have room for a treadmill. Me, I have my old treadmill from when I trained for my last marathon, so I will put on a movie and go for a walk.

      1. The Walker After John*

        Thank you for the suggestion about figuring daily steps – I will do some observing and plan based on that!

    8. Aealias*

      I live where it’s stupid cold.

      I walk with earbuds in to protect against the cold wind, and then I wrap a scarf around my face a couple of times before putting on a cozy hat – I favour the kind with ear flaps. Walking in the cold is a non-optional behaviour for me, as my double-coated dog needs an extended walk twice a day no matter what. And SHE doesn’t notice the cold until it’s 40 below!

      As for the ice, I got a set of overshoe crampons. They’re a rubber frame that stretches over the sole, with little triangular metal teeth embedded to grip the ice. My particular set are branded “stabil” and have a Velcro strap to go over the boot for extra security.

      1. The Walker After John*

        I’ve never used a crampon, but I’ve heard of them. Thanks very much for the recommendation and the info on the brand – I will look them up! I would like to get out when it’s cold; I don’t have a pet to walk but earbuds and some air would be welcome, if I knew I could stay upright and warm enough, and the warm enough part I can usually figure out – I’ve lived here for over 10 years :).

    9. eisa*

      If you search for “walk a mile at home” on YouTube, you will find a series of nice “walk in place” exercise videos.

  53. CW*

    I tried searching the internet on this, but I can’t find a direct answer. Some people are absentminded and don’t give a damn, so they always make silly mistakes all the time. I give too much damn when I make silly mistakes, get REALLY angry at myself to the point of losing my temper and screaming to the point like I am roaring as loud as a lion, and it still happens. I feel like making silly mistakes all the time is a sign that I will not get very far in life, and I REALLY hate it.

    I am not looking for psychological advice. I am looking for everyday opinions. Anyone else who has the same problem, what do you think? What am I doing wrong?

    1. Daffodilly*

      Those are questions for therapy, tbh. Not what you want to hear, I know, but it’s true. And that’s my everyday opinion: therapy is the best way to deal with strong emotions you don’t understand and struggle to control.

    2. fhqwhgads*

      How would you react if your best friend made the same mistake? Similarly roar-worthy? Or nbd? If the latter, next time this happens, imagine that other person did it, not you.

    3. Not A Manager*

      I can’t tell if you are asking how to avoid making careless errors, or if you are asking how to learn to tolerate errors and be kind to yourself. I hope it’s the latter. Please know that you don’t deserve to have anyone yelling and shouting at you, even yourself. You don’t deserve to have anyone telling you that you won’t get far in life, or that simple errors are horribly blameworthy.

      You need help in unraveling why you are being so cruel to yourself. I truly encourage you to get some support in dealing with this issue.

    4. Book the Wink*

      Hard agree on therapy.

      That said, for right now, once the mistake – however you define it – is made, there is nothing you can ever do to unmake it. You (as far as I know) do not have the super power of time travel. Period. The mistake happened and is over. Anger, yelling at yourself, and thought spirals will do nothing but paralyze you and keep you stuck in the built brain reaction of anger/guilt.

      If you are regularly having these reactions to things you consider small mistakes (losing keys, forgetting a reusable grocery bag, leaving your lunch at home, etc.), sorry, but your brain has an emotional trench worn into it. Surprise, that is why therapy with someone trained in CBT would be helpful because brains and reactions to strong emotions can be reprogrammed, even if you don’t want to “go deeper” or do long term talk therapy.

      To be clear, I did have reactions like yours, but not outwardly. I would direct my anger inwards. It was only after I sorted out what I considered “mistakes” versus what is more commonly baseline, nailed down some ADHD coping strategies for “forgetful” behaviors, and spent a long time in talk therapy and CBT to deal with WHY I hated making “mistakes” so much that I was able reframe and retrain mt brain to shrug off small mistakes and better cope with bigger ones.

      Because you are human. You will mess up. We all do. If just because circumstances and knowledge changes and if we can’t accept that and learn to move on, we can’t keep growing.

      Good luck. I hope any of this helped. If not, I hope you find an answer that can help you.

      1. tangerineRose*

        Yeah, making mistakes is part of the human condition. It’s not something I like, but it is a truth. I try to figure out ways to avoid certain mistakes, like I sometimes put my reusable grocery bags next to my purse so I’ll remember them.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      If you think of anger as a burst of energy- why not harness that energy to figure out a way to prevent that particular mistake from happening again? Just get all practical and go to the root of the problem.

      No different than a child who is routinely screamed at, if we scream at ourselves we almost ensure there will be another go-around on the same problem. No one does well with being screamed at. This goes into a larger discussion about self-talk. What we tell ourselves matters.

      My friend is afraid of storms. Her self-talk sucks. She tells herself we are going to blow up, burn up and so on. Every time it storms her fears go bigger not smaller. I said to her, what do you say to yourself to console yourself? She looked at me as if I had three heads.

      So what do you do to console yourself? “It’s okay, this is easily fixable.” OR, “Well yeah, that was kinda stupid on my part. How can I prevent this from happening again?”

      I fell about a month ago. I was “mad” at me because of my own carelessness. Once I cleaned up the broken bowl and bandaged my finger, I started thinking to myself, “I have to do something differently here.” I rearranged the lighting and my timers on certain lamps so that I can see better at night. I was surprised because I actually like my new system better than anything I have set up before. I am not worried about tripping over something again and I am not mad at me any more.

      Anger is not, in itself, wrong. It’s the way we use that anger that is key. Do we build better or do we just tear ourselves down?

    6. Lizzie (with the deaf cat)*

      To answer your question, what you are doing wrong is that you are punishing yourself and this is not helping you. You have learned some behaviours and ways of thinking that are hurtful to you and distressing for you. “Making silly mistakes” may hold you back in life or it may not, but screaming in anger at yourself definitely will. You are right to think that this needs further enquiry.
      Perhaps some self research would guide you a little. A couple of years ago I got a notebook and wrote on the front ‘Things that irritate me, annoy me, make me angry, make me incandescent with rage’ and I started making brief notes of what annoyed me etc as things occurred. To my surprise ALL of the things that got me irritated or worked up were to do with technology of some kind. And the underpinning aspect was that I felt helpless to fix these tech errors because I could not understand them.
      This was a revelation to me, and now I am on the alert if some tech goes wrong, and I know I will find it upsetting; the feelings don’t come from nowhere and are caused by specific things.
      So- some research on yourself here might yield some clues. And some findings may be quickly alleviated, who knows (eg if you make errors sometimes by transposing figures, maybe you need new computer glasses) – there may be some very practical things you can do.
      But- uncontrolled anger outbursts do need dealing with, and therapy is the answer for that. Best wishes to you!

    7. AGD*

      I am like this too – perfectionism gives me impostor syndrome. The only thing you’re doing wrong is holding yourself to the standard of a robot, when you’re a human. Sometimes I fall into a pattern of triple-checking everything, but that’s a really poor use of my time given that trivial errors are unlikely to be truly consequential and my job is already demanding and all-encompassing.

    8. pancakes*

      Are you sure you want to hear from other people who have anger management problems rather than people who don’t? What is it about psychological advice that seems not-everyday? People seek psychological advice about grappling with emotions they can’t control because it is helpful, but you’re rejecting it out of hand. Why?

    10. fposte*

      I think what you’re doing wrong is wasting energy roaring at yourself. It’s not going to make mistakes less likely; it’s just freezing you in the “made a mistake” mindset and the anger mindset.

      Some mistakes are largely unforeseeable; some are foreseeable. What if instead of screaming you assessed which kind of mistake this was and what you could do to minimize the chance of repeating it going forward? That means planning in advance, not yelling louder afterwards or saying things like “be less of an ignoramus.” Did you pick a bad time to do this task? Did you rush the preparation? Were you distracted?

      But also have a look at Carol Dweck’s Mindset and understand that mistakes are crucial to advancing in life.

    11. Still*

      I hope that those incidents when you lose your temper and scream occur only in private, when nobody can see or hear you?

      It seems to me that losing your temper over silly mistakes is much more likely to hinder you in getting far in life than those silly mistakes themselves.

      I think being able to be graceful and take responsibility for a mistake without beating yourself up is a great skill to have, and more valuable than never making any mistakes in the first place. Whenever I make a mistake, I try to think of someone I respect and how they would act in my shoes, and I do my best to treat it as an opportunity to practice not getting defensive. Which is hard! But you only get better at handling mistakes by making them, and trying to react in a healthy way.

    12. UKDancer*

      I don’t know how to tell you learn to forgive yourself but here’s a thing that worked for me as someone who can be very self critical.

      I am a not very good ballet dancer. I picked it up as a hobby a few years ago and I am fairly bad at it. I also used to come away from class really angry at my own physical shortcomings which meant I did not do ballet as well as I wanted to. Just before lockdown I went to see a Royal Ballet in rehearsal event where you saw the cast preparing for a show. One of the principal dancers fell over while she was performing at this. She stood up, shrugged and said “that happens sometimes.” Then she went right back on with it. I decided at that point I was going to take the same approach. If she could be forgiving on herself for falling in front of a studio audience while at the peak of her career, I could be more forgiving of my errors.

      So now when I feel angry with myself, I remember her shrugging her shoulders and saying “that happens sometimes” and try and forgive myself for being flawed.

      1. Keymaster of Gozer (she/her)*

        Finding out every senior person in my field has made colossal mistakes at some point or another helped with my stress too.

        You can know something forwards and backwards and still have errors. Humans have the most powerful processing units in their heads but my word the software is buggy ;)

      2. ThatGirl*

        I’m a big fan of chef Alex Guarnaschelli and follow her on Instagram. She is very self-assured and confident in tv competition, but she is the first to admit on Instagram that she makes mistakes every day, and that she learned by screwing up all the time. She is a very successful iron chef! So if she’s not perfect, why should I expect myself to be?

      3. tangerineRose*

        “She stood up, shrugged and said “that happens sometimes.” Then she went right back on with it.””

        I love this.

    13. Keymaster of Gozer (she/her)*

      Used to have this issue, long time ago. Today I’ve mostly trained myself to go ‘oh bugger’ and have that be the extent. Dwelling on it, getting angry at it only gave me more mistakes later.

    14. Incessant Owlbears*

      I dealt with this as a young woman. I was so mean to myself, waiting until I was alone to berate, scream at, insult, and verbally abuse myself for the tiniest mistakes. It was a terrible way to live, and the worst part was that it didn’t even work! I still made mistakes.

      Therapy helped me reprogram my brain to stop being so needlessly cruel to myself and learn better ways of coping with life’s inevitable glitches. It was so freeing to realize I didn’t have to excoriate myself over every little thing. CBT with a trusted therapist, art therapy, and Adult Children of Alcoholics we’re the 3 most helpful paradigms for me.

    15. Double A*

      You can’t learn if you don’t make mistakes. By reacting with anger at yourself, you’re denying yourself an opportunity to learn.

      Also, I learned in therapy that anger is a protective emotion. What is your anger protecting?

      I don’t mean this to sound insulting, this is just what I’m immersed in these days: A lot of children’s educational programs these days focus on the importance of making mistakes and how they’re okay and they’re how we learn. If that’s right for kids, why wouldn’t it be right for adults?

    16. marvin the paranoid android*

      I don’t have this exact problem, but I have the same broader issue–perfectionism, essentially. I think this impulse to punish yourself really harshly for any mistake comes from a place of trying to control and restrict your own actions. For me, maintaining that illusion of control is one way that I’ve tried to manage my anxiety over the years. But obviously it doesn’t really work in the long term–for one thing, punishing yourself doesn’t actually lead you to make fewer mistakes (ask me how I know!) And you miss out on a lot when you’re laser focused on being perfect all the time. One thing that has helped me is just being more aware of when I’m trying to exert control over things that are fundamentally outside of my control. But it’s been a slow process, because it’s a pretty deeply ingrained habit.

  54. Bluebell*

    Any post-Purim reports, hamentashen or other? I did quite a bit of baking this year, both for friends and for a synagogue bake sale. Also used ginger and lemon curd as new fillings. Megillah reading was still on Zoom, but hoping for in person next year.

    1. Raboot*

      I always do a few apricot jelly ones because I love the flavor, but it often runs out in the oven. This year I made Tori Avey’s apricot filling and it was so good, I almost preferred those cookies to my beloved poppyseed filling cookies.

    2. post-Purim reporter*

      My partner’s parents sent her a box of fancy jams “for Hanukkah” (they arrived in January), some of which were repurposed to hamentashen filling! We even had pear. She’s pretty good at folding the three corners over to make nice perfect cookies; my skills lie more in eating them.

  55. Polopoly*

    Technology use in young kids. Was wondering what other folks were doing with regards to technology use in older elementary aged kids. With the panda situation kids have gotten very tech savvy (email, zoom, Google classroom / docs etc). Now that socialization is gradually switching back to in-person, what are folks doing regards to screen time limits, which apps/tools are allowed, content restrictions, etc ? What kinds of conversations are you having about internet safety / responsibility?
    For example, unlike some of her friends, my 9y doesn’t get Facebook messenger, but she does have her own (parent checked) email access and supervised zoom.

    2. Fellow Traveller*

      I have a nine year old, and I admit screen time and technology has really been a struggle with lots of back and forth. I’d be interested to hear other folks’ strategies.
      The system we have now is that at the beginning of the week, our child gets 15 tokens, each worth 15 minutes of screen time. She can cash them in for screen time (either tablet or tv time) as long as homework, chores, piano practice, outside time, etc. are finished. (Things like family movie night and schoolwork and video chatting with family doesn’t count towards her token usage.). We finally caved and got her her own tablet this past Christmas, and it has pretty strict parental controls on it (time limits, website access, messaging functions, and we can track her usage. No chatting or video chatting allowed. Basically she uses it to play minecraft and watch YouTube videos and play Toca World. We use Google Family Link to track her activity.) I much prefer that she uses her tablet over the school provided Chromebook because we don’t have a lot of control over the school technology. Kids are really savvy and will find workarounds and will share these workarounds with each other. For example – YouTube is blocked on the school Chromebooks but the kids have figured out that if one makes a Google Slide presentation, one can search and imbed videos. Also – they don’t have access to a chat function, so a bunch of kids in her class have created a shared Google Doc where they can chat – every one has their own font and text colour. So we have asked our child to leave the Chromebook at school.
      We have told our child that she is not to enter personal information into any website, and explained to her that there are a lot of really dangerous people on the internet and she needs to protect herself.
      My sense is that we are a lot more restrictive than most other parents, though, and sometimes I worry that she is missing out on a larger part of the social scene with her peers. However, she has a bad habit of staying up to be on her screen and it affects her sleep and her mood, so I think we are still trying to find a balance between autonomy and limits. A lot of her peers are more blase about sharing personal information on the internet and the possibility of fraud or identity theft – it is certainly an interesting cultural shift from when I was a child.

  56. Keymaster of Gozer (she/her)*

    Weirdest IT fault I have ever encountered/traced/repaired was this weekend and I’m wondering if anyone else has had an equally bizarre situation?

    Basically my home PC started showing strange power up/down behaviours that got worse to the point of it powering up and down randomly if plugged in. Given that I lost a motherboard to a power supply blowing up earlier this year I was pretty nervous about losing another.

    After a very long process of investigation and swearing I found what was causing it: my keyboard. My expensive gaming keyboard plugged into the USB port kept shorting something out. First time in my career I’ve found a keyboard capable of destroying a PC.

    Keyboard now in the bin and a basic mechanical keyboard replaced it. No further issues.

    A keyboard nearly killed my PC. Beat that!

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      My weird is software based. We still haven’t figured out what causes this, but — I have two monitors attached to my computer. If software x is displaying on the PRIMARY monitor, control-i does nothing (and that key combo isn’t intended to do anything in the program). But if I move software x to the SECONDARY monitor, control-i pops a big angry red-box error and then crashes it. The IT guys cannot replicate this on their own computers, and the red-box error doesn’t actually give anything useful that might identify the problem, but it has been happening consistently on mine for like four years. (I found this out because software x lives on my secondary monitor for logistical reasons and I regularly miss when aiming for control-o to open a new file and hit control-i instead.) The two monitors are the same model, both connected using the same type of cables to the same dock, and it behaves the same way if I switch which one is primary vs secondary.

      1. Keymaster of Gozer (she/her)*

        Oh my, I’d love to have a look at that (except I’m a Microsoft tech and I’m guessing you’re using Mac?) – absolutely adore weird software problems.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          My personal equipment is all Mac, but this issue is on a Windows machine for work :)

          1. Keymaster of Gozer (she/her)*

            Oh the command + O bit threw me for a sec – thought it was a Mac boxen.

            Definitely would love to get my mitts on that one then. Those are the issues I love the most: software, really odd, never been seen before, even the programmers go ‘no idea’.

    2. Generic Name*

      My ex husband fancies himself a computer genius. He built several of our home computers, one of which became our son’s computer. It was pretty old, but still functional. For some reason, it had to have an old keyboard with an old style connector plugged into it in order for it to boot up. Even though we had gotten a newer keyboard and plugged it into the USB port in the back, the old one had to stay, otherwise the computer wouldn’t work.

      1. Keymaster of Gozer (she/her)*

        Oh the old circular PS2 connectors? Yeah we had one at work like that, one of the much older machines. We figured it was a problem on the motherboard (or the BIOS) but like you we just plugged in an old keyboard and kept going.

        I still have a few PS2/USB adapters in my toolkit to this day.

        1. Generic Name*

          Yup. That might have been the first PC he ever built, and I remember going to the computer store like 8 times because some part or another didn’t work or wasn’t compatible.

    3. PostalMixup*

      Kinda sorta IT: we have a plug-in hybrid, and the check engine light kept coming on. We’d take it in, they wouldn’t find anything wrong, they’d clear the error and give it back, and it would happen again. Finally I said “Look, the light always comes on after the car charges. I think it has something to do with that.” They totally blew me off. “The electric motor is a completely different system than the gas engine!” they said. “Not possible!” they said. Well, after the third time they couldn’t figure it out, I finally talked them into plugging the car in at the dealership. Instant check engine light. They had to call the main engineering team in Korea to figure out how to fix it.

    4. A Girl Named Fred*

      Hm, you just gave me something to look at. My gaming laptop does the weirdest thing where it will randomly shut off its USB ports, meaning my keyboard/mouse/headset all go dead, it waits for a short amount of time, and then everything turns on again. I can’t figure out what causes it, it happens no matter what’s plugged in where, and I’ve tried a couple troubleshooting steps from Google (mostly something about switching off a power-saving measure and updating some kind of software/firmware for the USB ports) and it just. Keeps. Happening. It might somehow be connected to my automatic backups because sometimes it pops up my backup drive in a Finder window after it happens, but it was happening before I set the backups up too. So maybe my laptop just isn’t a fan of something that’s plugged into it…. That or the USB ports are dying, which would make me Sad because this laptop is only two or so years old.

      1. Keymaster of Gozer (she/her)*

        Yeah, there’s some more reading I need to do but does appear some usb devices can case voltage issues due to either bad drivers or just a fault. When that happens it’s intermittent and can completely shut off the ports or, like my machine, totally bork the power supply.

    5. A Feast of Fools*

      I have a USB-powered Pusheen desk fan. If I plug it into the docking station — which has boatloads of empty USB slots — my laptop disconnects and reconnects and disconnects from the docking station. Which makes getting any work done realllllly difficult because my monitors disconnect and reconnect and disconnect over and over.

      But if I plug it into one of the two USB slots on the laptop itself, everything is fine.

      Which means that when I get hot, I have to disconnect either the external laptop cooling fan (that the laptop sits on top of) or my mouse, in order to have a mini fan blow air at me.

      1. Keymaster of Gozer (she/her)*

        I’m really thankful for all this information actually, because now looking into why USB devices can cause other issues on a computer is giving my rather misbaving brain something solid to investigate (instead of coming up with more delusions).

        They’re weirder than I thought.

    6. Elle Woods*

      About a year ago, my parents started experiencing problems with their internet. They could access a few sites but not many. They rebooted the computers, reset the modem, and even had an internet technician out to replace the modem. Hubs and I were over to visit them about a week after this all started and they were still having problems. We were there to help them move some furniture. When we moved a sofa table in the living room, we bumped and accidentally unplugged the range extender they had for their wi-fi.

      Voila!

      All of a sudden all the internet problems they had disappeared and they could access any site again. We boxed up the range extender and sold it on Facebook.

      1. A Feast of Fools*

        Oh, man, I had that problem, too. I put a wifi range extender in the hallway because the internet was slow in my bedroom (the farthest point from the router in the living room).

        With the extender, massive connectivity issues.
        Without the extender, normal slow connection.

        I ran a realllllllllly long ethernet cable through the ceiling as the final fix.

    7. Observer*

      A keyboard nearly killed my PC. Beat that!

      Well, I’m glad to hear that I’m not the only person who this has happened to. This happened YEARS ago – it I’m not mistaken it was a PS2 connector.

  57. Falling Diphthong*

    Stories with shifting points of view, a la Rashomon. Any favorites? Any you’d like to see?

    Last night we watched The Adjustment Bureau, and the complete failure of the Bechdel Test got me thinking about what the story would look like from Elise’s point of view. This guy shows up, they have a great connection for a few minutes or hours, he vanishes for months or years. Hot pursuit whenever he catches sight of her, always followed by his abrupt disappearance. Hauls her through a magic door just before her wedding. I’m interested in her story, and not just as a prize he wins.

    For existing stories I loved:
    “The Rashomon Job” is my favorite Leverage episode. The same heist from the points of view of multiple thieves and one insurance investigator, all unaware of the others.

    World War Z the book. (The presence of zombies is the only connection to the movie.) Told as interviews with a wide range of survivors of the zombie wars, and of all of humanity trying things, some of which worked, some of which didn’t, and it was the collective effort that eventually succeeded.

    1. CatCat*

      The novel “Fingersmith.” You start to think you know what’s going on only to realize you have no idea what’s REALLY going on.

    2. GoryDetails*

      I loved the World War Z novel! Excellent use of different viewpoints and media, really involving.

      Along similar lines: WAR OF THE WORLDS: GLOBAL DISPATCHES, a multi-author collection of stories set in Wells’ Martian-invasion ‘verse, with wildly different viewpoints and reactions.

      And Daniel H. Wilson’s ROBOPOCALYPSE recounts the development of global AI-enabled robots; good variety of viewpoints there as well, and some nicely chilling aspects.

    3. GoryDetails*

      Oh, and there’s MEDDLING KIDS by Edgar Cantero, a nod to those kid-detective books; here, the “kids” are now grown up, with various ongoing difficulties resulting from the trauma of their final case. The story is told from the viewpoints of each, plus some omniscient-narrator scenes and even the occasional “story as seen by the landscape” bits, filling in gaps that the other characters aren’t as aware of, and overall it’s a lot of fun.

    4. Fellow Traveller*

      The HBO series The Affair was notae for looking at an affair from separate viewpoints. I thought it interesting because depending on whose perspective, even things like hairstyle or clothes can be different.
      And the book Big Little Lies also comes to mind.

    5. Keymaster of Gozer (she/her)*

      I loved An Inspector Calls when I read it at school – the very different ways all the people saw the incident was fascinating.

      1. pancakes*

        I haven’t read it, but recently watched the 2015 TV movie with David Thewlis as the inspector. It was really good!

    6. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I thought World War Z could’ve been done really well as a series of some sort, telling one or two stories in separate episodes rather than trying to smash the whole thing into one movie and basically losing the whole unique aspect of the book as a result.

    8. suggestion*

      Robopocalypse by Dan Wilson uses a narrative technique similar to World War Z. Instead of zombies, the enemy is an Artificial Super Intelligence.

    9. Blomma*

      I really enjoyed Lucy Foley’s mysteries “The Hunting Party” and “The Guest List.” In both books the narrator switches around between 4-6 different characters. I listened to them as audiobooks and each character was narrated by a different person. I’m sure I would have enjoyed reading the books but the audiobooks were really well done. There’s a new one that just came out (“The Paris Apartment”) but I haven’t listened to it yet.

    10. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      “Fates and Furies” by Lauren Groff does a he said/she said about a marriage and is very well written.

    11. Ides of May*

      The Afterparty, on Apple TV.

      (Am also a huge fan of World War Z, have read it a number of times!)

    12. Off My Lawn, You Must Get*

      Another book in that style is John Scalzi’s Unlocked. It’s a short pre-quel to his Locked In series and is an oral history of a disease outbreak. He was set to publish it the same year Max Brooks wrote World War Z and WWZ came out first, so it got shelved.

  58. Incessant Owlbears*

    Looking for suggestions for Facebook groups on home decoration and design. I read Apartment Therapy, but all those posts are from them, and are stuffed with ads; I’m hoping for a more community type forum where people share their ideas, questions, and photos.

    1. J*

      Not Facebook, but I really like the Reddit Community https://www.reddit.com/r/HomeDecorating/

      People post pictures all the time asking for decorating suggestions. Lots of good feedback. If not already a Reddit member, know it takes some time to get familiar. Just take your time. There are thousands of communities/topic areas – many practical and some of them pretty wild. Depending on your tastes, you may want to configure your membership to filter out NSFW (not safe for work) threads. Like any online portal, there are trolls. However, I find most the threads in which I participate to be full of very helpful information.

    2. LittleBabyDamien*

      Not specifically home decoration and design, but adjacent: For the Love of Old Houses. Mainly real estate type listings of old homes. Mostly American, including historic, old farmhouse, log cabins, MCM, etc. Also includes some Canadian, Swedish, Irish, French, etc. Not much how-to, but lots of pictures of houses looking their best.

  59. A Girl Named Fred*

    Hi folks! Looking for some guidance on terms to use to find dance classes around me.

    I love choreography, and watch a lot of YouTube videos of k-pop group dance practices (mostly Stray Kids, Blackpink, SHINee, etc.) as well as other choreographers like Kyle Hanagami. What style of dance class would I need to look into to potentially learn/practice this type of dance?

    1. UKDancer*

      I think there are some classes in k-pop around. I’m not sure where you are but there are some classes being run at Danceworks studio in London and they’re just called K-Pop dance. Their website is danceworks dot com and the teacher is called Minho Jung.

      I’ve no idea if the classes are any good because it’s not a style I learn, I’ve just seen the adverts on the Danceworks website. I don’t think he does online but you could try contacting the teacher and seeing if he can tell you about any teachers in your area. I think his instagram is @kpopinlondonmin

      1. UKDancer*

        There’s also a K-Pop class on Friday nights online or in person at Pineapple dance studio in London. This is at 7.15pm (UK time) on Friday nights. You can book it on the Pineapple dot uk dot com website under online classes if you want to attend over Zoom or book to attend in person if you’re in London.

  60. TPS reporter*

    I want to learn to sew. A sewing machine is coming soon- any tips for books or video tutorials for beginners?

        1. Professor Plum*

          Ah. I don’t have anything specific to recommend for garments. Perhaps find a simple pair of pajamas to start with—low risk for learning how to fit since you’d be wearing them at home. Good luck.

    3. LittleBabyDamien*

      Many companies such as McCalls, Simplicity, Vogue and Singer have published how-to-sew books at various times. They are generally good at explaining the basics as well as advanced techniques, are very thorough, and cover how to read and use commercial clothing patterns. Some are still in print, I believe, and some may be available secondhand either online or at thrift stores. If you are looking for thrift store sewing books, a thrift store that has a lot of sewing, craft and fabric for sale is your best bet for sewing books.
      Try your local library as well; if you find a useful book there you could then hunt it down online.
      Threads magazine has articles on high end sewing techniques, but explains them very clearly with lots of diagrams. Could be useful once you have the basics of how to start and end a seam etc. Pricey magazine but again maybe your local library carries it.

      Good luck!

    4. Rocky*

      I’m a home garment sewer and love the resources that various indie pattern makers offer. Closet Core Patterns has some really great tutorials (although they may not all be ideal for a beginner). Another commenter mentioned Mimi G and I concur- she is a very talented designer and maker with a real knack for teaching. Helen’s Closet, Collette Patterns, and Friday Pattern Co are other designers that have resources I have found super helpful.
      I also just recommend being patient with yourself and allowing for mistakes (aka learning opportunities). I hope that helps and good luck on your sewing journey! It can be such a rewarding hobby :)

  62. beentheredonethat*

    I grew up in a series of small towns in the western states. Out of curiosity, I googled them. All of them were established in the late 1800′, 3,000 to 20,000 population. Why do some small towns grow, some become ghost towns and some stay the same size basically? Any thoughts?

    1. fposte*

      I’d guess commerce, industry, and transportation are the main factors, with a little bit of settlement trends, whether it be immigrant populations or hipsters, thrown in. I always find it interesting to see small towns that had what it took in, say, 1840 and thought they were going to be Chicago, but it turned out that they couldn’t handle shipping and didn’t get on the railroad.

    2. Lizzie (with the deaf cat)*

      My parents bought a house in Wales many years ago on a lovely sunny day and later claimed that was the only sunny day in ten years (it rained every other day).
      Without historical records to guide them, the settlers could easily have thought good grazing land would persist, and that water supplies would be sufficient.
      Then there is disease, illness etc, which could quickly sweep through and make a settlement unviable. Too many women dying in childbirth if food had been scarce in their developing years. A myriad of practical things.

    3. pancakes*

      Depends on the place, but changes in industry often seem to be an important factor. In New England where I grew up there are a lot of towns that were built around textile mills, fishing, granite quarries, etc., that more or less became ghost towns when those industries declined, if they weren’t able to make the jump to appealing to tourists when car culture started to develop.

  63. Christmas cookie*

    Not to be a Sunday downer, but I just found. Out that my good friend’s husband was diagnosed with a fairly aggressive cancer. My husband has become good buddies with her husband over the years, and our kids (6,8) are the same age and also good buddies. He’s young (38) but has a checkered medical history, including a massive stroke at age 32. She is a mostly stay-at-home mom and he has a very solid government-adjacent job.

    What can I/we do to support them? If you’ve had the experience of being in this position, first, I’m so sorry, and second, what was helpful?

    It’s not a secret, but I found out when I was with my friend. I of course told my husband, but he wasn’t told by the guy directly. Should he reach out immediately to her husband? Wait a few days (he has a bunch of appts this week)?

    Their kids don’t know yet as they are still working though a treatment approach. I already offered to take the girls whenever, for however long.

    1. Lizzie (with the deaf cat)*

      My vote would be for your husband to reach out immediately; if your husband was in a position to drive his friend to and from any appointments then that could relieve his wife from doing it, or if the friend is driving himself and your husband could drop him off, park the car, then accompany him – it is a big help to minimise stuff like parking the car or trying to find the right floor in a building. Even things like holding someone’s coat or paperwork while they go off to the toilet, or fetching them something to drink while they are in the waiting room etc. All very helpful to someone with a lot on their mind.

    2. Not A Manager*

      I’m sorry that your friend is going through this.

      I remember when my late husband was in the process of being diagnosed/formulating a treatment plan. Everything was very chaotic, both practically and emotionally. I would encourage you and your husband both to reach out as soon as possible with some clear suggestions of what you’re willing to do.

      – Drop off and pick up the children from school.
      – Pick up kids from school and have them stay for dinner.
      – Special weekday sleepover & drive to school the next day! Pancakes!!
      – Driving the man to and from appointments
      – Drop off dinner
      – Grocery shopping

      I would also offer these for a specific time. It’s great to say “I’ll take the kids anytime you like,” but people forget or they get mentally disorganized. “Do you need me to drive the kids to school tomorrow” “I’m heading to the store, text me a list” “Leaving for school pickup, should I grab Matilda while I’m there” are all easier to respond to.

      In this immediate crisis, that’s what would have been most helpful to me, especially if I hadn’t yet spoken to the kids about the situation. A bit later you could organize a meal train or a driving rotation so that others in your community can be helpful and so there’s a regular schedule. But right now my guess is that your friend is living minute-to-minute.

      Best wishes to everyone involved. Your friends are lucky to have you in their circle.

  64. So not using my regular name here*

    Not the same situation as your friends,
    but I have been in their neighborhood.
    I recomend that you figure out a few things that you can do to help and then suggest them yourself and phrasing it as matter of fact and something that they would opt out of rather than putting them in a position of requesting help. As your friends do through this, they are going to be asking, and begging and fighting for help; give them the gift of not having to ask you for (Even with good insurance in the USA, at some point in a serious long term health battle both insurance and medical bureaucracy will probably be very challenging. )

    Here are a few ideas of concrete help that might be useful:

    -If you can, pick a day you can take the kids or an afternoon school program that you can coordinate taking the kids to then feed them supper and take them home (or keep them overnight and take them to school if necessary).

    -Maybe your husband can go with to a few appointments when the wife can’t. (It sounds like your friend works some and sadly may need to keep that resource available.) I am a big believer in having a non medically traumatized person in the room taking notes at all medical appointments. (Bonus points if they dress ‘affluant white collar professional’ style. ) One big notebook of all the medical details for a person helps keep the information straight at a time when stress and medical issues often cloud brain functions and it also seems to inspire some medical professionals to be more attentive and focused.

    -Things like a lawn care crew, a meal drop off and someone to run the caring bridge all need to be coordinated.

    Also remember that that these two people are your friends, not just a tragic couple. Still get together as friends for movie or poker or whatever night when they are up for it.

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