weekend open thread – May 6-8, 2022

by Alison Green on May 6, 2022

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand.

Here are the rules for the weekend posts.

Book recommendation of the week: A Splendid Ruin, by Megan Chance. An orphan goes to live with rich relatives in 1906 San Francisco, and quickly realizes something is off about her flashy new family.

 I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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  1. Tortoiseshell*

    What’s the bare minimum kitchen stuff I should have in my apartment? It’ll be my first time living alone. I haven’t done a lot of cooking solo but I like American, Italian, Indian and Japanese food.

      1. Gingerblue*

        Since you mention Japanese, I recommend the website Just Bento (and the author’s cookbooks of the same title): https://justbento.com/. It’s mostly defunct, but the archives are fantastic.

        I’m also a big fan of the New York Times cooking website, which is worth the small subscription fee if you can swing it. It’ around $40 a year and has a very deep archive of recipes.

        Tons of other great recipe sites, but I’ve used those two a lot.

        1. A.N. O'Nyme*

          She also has another website called justhungry, but it seems that she’s mostly active on facebook nowadays. She’s posted a life update on justhungry with the link to her Facebook.

      2. Carlottasouffle*

        I think others have recommended a lot of good starting items. I remember first stocking my kitchen and being so proud of my kitchenaid egg beaters (I love baking & still use those egg beaters 15 years later) and a citrus juicer (I love fresh-squeezed orange juice and grew up with that at home) as my first two big gadget items. Go with what you think you’ll want/need to use most often first. I would recommend Smitten Kitchen for recipe browsing — she’s been posting for such a long time and has a ton of recipes to go through. https://smittenkitchen.com/ Have fun!

        1. Scarlet Magnolias*

          Sam Sifton New York Times, Ina Garten (although each cookbook is basically the same recipes) and Joy of Cooking

        2. BethDH*

          Love Smitten Kitchen and she also has two (three?) cookbooks published if you prefer that format. I find that her recipes contain just the right amount of complexity for me, where any steps beyond the basics actually add something to the dish I care about. She doesn’t call for two bowls when there’s a one-bowl method.

        4. Turanga Leela*

          Seconding the Smitten Kitchen recommendation. I learned to cook over the last several years, and a huge percentage of the things I make are from Smitten Kitchen. I particularly recommend her Indian dishes (which sounds funny b/c Deb Perelman is definitely not Indian, but they’re good recipes!), soups, and loaf cakes.

          I subscribe to the New York Times recipe archive, which is more hit-or-miss than Smitten Kitchen. I’ve tried a lot of recipes that were needlessly complex or didn’t turn out well. But it’s great for when you have ingredients and need ideas for what to do with them, and some of the recipes are really terrific. My favorite holiday cookies and lasagna are from the Times. In general, I’ve had good luck with recipes from Melissa Clark and Samin Nosrat.

          Speaking of which, Samin Nosrat’s book, Salt Fat Acid Heat, is terrific for learning to cook. The recipes are good, but the book is mostly about learning techniques and learning to improvise in the kitchen. It taught me to make salad dressing!

      4. Harriet Wimsey*

        It’s probably old school but I much prefer recipe books than trying to read ones off my phone. I find the local library is great for cookery books, and I’ve often ended up buying my own copy (I have a cookery book habit). I’m in the UK so not sure how available these authors are in the US but Meera Sodha is fantastic for easy and delicious Indian/Asian recipes and Diana Henry/Nikki Segnit for pretty much anything.

        1. Harriet Wimsey*

          Meera Sodha has also written for the Guardian/Observer a lot so there should be recipes on their website.

          1. pancakes*

            Yes, she has some great recipes there! I’m also a big fan of Dan Lepard’s baking recipes in their archives, and Felicity Cloake’s “How to Cook the Perfect . . .” column. Rachel Roddy’s weekly column of Italian recipes is worth a look as well. I prefer the Guardian food section to the NYT.

        2. Falling Diphthong*

          Seconding the library as a great resource.

          I read recipes off my laptop, set away from any anticipated liquid spills.

        3. BethDH*

          Diana Henry and Meera Sodha are both widely available in the US, including at the libraries in the two states I’ve lived in recently.

      5. Random Biter*

        Many, many, MANY years ago when I was first interested in web design I made a recipe site. Nothing fancy but easy to follow, actual people tested recipes from friends in an AOL chat room (I told you it was many years ago) along with some helpful sites. It’s still up (because nostalgia) so if you’d like a peek

        https://www.starzspooksnstuff.com/recipes.html

    2. Gingerblue*

      A saucepan and a frying pan (preferably both with lids), a cutting board, a straight knife and a bread knife, a spatula, tongs, and a big stirring spoon, a couple of bowls in different sizes, measuring spoons and cups, a heatproof glass measuring cup (I suggest 2 c size), hot pads or mitts, a strainer, a can opener, and since you mention cuisines involving a lot of rice, a rice cooker. I’d say start there and then add more equipment as you figure out what you like to make and what it requires. There’s a bunch of equipment that I consider essential for my kitchen, like baking pans and a pressure cooker, which you might or might not have a use for. Also, it can be worth doubling up on some of the cheapest items like measuring cups and spoons—I like having two sets when cooking, one for wet ingredients and one for dry, or just because I’m always fishing them out of the dishwasher to use otherwise.

      When you say bare minimum, is it a budget issue or a space issue, or just wanting to ease in? There are some appliances which can do multiple things (like the Instant Pot), which can be great for small kitchens and for growing into as a cook.

      Have fun! What an exciting move!

      1. Squidhead*

        Adding to gingerblue’s excellent list: storage containers for leftovers or ingredients (half an onion, extra grated cheese, whatever). [Our house has settled on Pyrex for heat/freezer tolerance and microwaveability, but it’s breakable and heavy. We just wanted to stop heating plastic containers in the microwave.]
        Also, a cheese grater. And maybe a whisk. A ladle is very handy and hard to replicate, but bulky in a drawer.

        Stretch goals: a good immersion blender (for everything from smoothies to pureeing hot sauces right on the stove), and a toaster oven/air fryer (long before air fryers were a thing, I lived in an apartment with no oven and a 2 burner stove. You can do a lot with a toaster oven!)

        For the best use of your money and space, think about ways you can use things: you don’t need a spoon rest if you use the plate you’re going to eat off of anyway. Empty, clean deli containers or yogurt cups are (free) good for leftovers or holding some chopped ingredients before they go into the frying pan.
        You can make rice in a saucepan with a lid, though the ricecooker is more foolproof and saves you a burner on the stove. You can whisk up eggs in a cereal bowl or a measuring cup if you don’t have a handy mixing bowl. Cut dry things on the cutting board before wet things so you don’t need so many cutting boards (more than 1 is really nice, though). Especially cut anything that is raw meat last, and dedicate a place to put the board & knife until you can wash them.

        Don’t forget some amount of cleaning supplies (sponge, brush, gloves if you want, dish rack and/or towels if you don’t have a dishwasher). With any size inventory, you’ll get the most use out of it if you can easily clean things and have them ready for the next time.

      2. Tortoiseshell*

        Thank you!! It’s partly a budget issue and partly a space issue, I should be getting a few hand me downs from my mom though.

        1. Gingerblue*

          Gotcha! I see several people recommending slow cookers, and if you do get one, I strongly recommend getting an Instant Pot or similar combo device. They can be used as slow cookers, pressure cookers, rice cookers (though they’re not as good as a dedicated one), and they often have a few other functions like being able to saute directly in them. Having a pressure cooker can be a game changer, especially for cooking inexpensive dry staples like beans and grains, and they’ve become so popular in the last few years that there are dedicated Instant Pot cookbooks, etc. I love mine and use it at least weekly.

          1. Turanga Leela*

            For whatever it’s worth, I have a Ninja, and I like it as an air fryer but don’t love it as a slow cooker. Things don’t seem to cook as evenly as in a traditional slow cooker. If I were outfitting a new kitchen for myself, I’d skip the combo device (even though I know people love them!) and buy a simple crock-pot for stews and beans.

        2. matcha123*

          I live in a small apartment in Japan and my kitchen is very small compared to the average suburban US kitchen. Storage space is a huge issue. I mostly cook with pots or frying pans. I don’t bake since I don’t have an oven.
          I also don’t have a rice cooker. However when I did have one, I would sometimes make cake in it, but that was about it. Instead I use a pot called musui-nabe, which is like a Dutch oven(?).
          I cook rice in my pot, then divide it into smaller portions, wrap and freeze them. With two pots (since I only have two range things), I can cook rice on one and make some soups (kimchi jjigae) on the other.
          T-Fal has some stackable pots/frying pans. I bought a set last year and they are great because they don’t take up a bunch of space.

          Since I don’t know how much space you’ll be working with, I’d suggest starting with what you were given and then doing some window shopping. My mom keeps saying I should get a Keurig, but they don’t sell those here, and if they did, I’d have no where to put one.
          I love coffee, however. Instead of a coffee maker, I do a pour over. I have a kettle that I heat hot water in (electric ones are good, too, but due to space I only have a stove-top one) and it only takes a few minutes.

          If you can hand things from the walls, that’s a great way to save space, too. I have magnets on my walls and they hold mitts and cutting boards and the like.

        3. Not So NewReader*

          Tag sales are your leg up on this stuff. I have found so many things this way. And it gives me a chance to try the product out, if I don’t like it a few bucks does not kill my budget.

          I see mention of Pyrex ware. If you prefer glass storage, you can find lots of Corningware and Pyrex at tag sales. I had not looked at the prices of Corningware lately and I was shocked. I bought one piece of Corningware at a tag sale for $4. It retailed for $80. Even consignment shops can hold some finds. I needed new lids for my stuff and found lids online for $20 each. I eventually purchased lids at a consignment shop at the price of 3 for $4.

          I have had great luck with keeping a running list of items I am looking for. I use my planner but a cell would also work. At tag sales, I stick to my list of items that I have decided on. This helps with clutter control.

          1. Richard Hershberger*

            Also thrift shops. Goodwill, or the local equivalent, often has a lot of this stuff dirt cheap. That is how I outfitted my first kitchen *mumble mumble* decades back. I still have some of it. A good cast iron skillet can, after all, be handed down to your grandchildren.

            1. Elizabeth West*

              I was going to say—I always look for stuff at flea markets. There used to be one in OldCity that had TONS of cookware, glassware, etc. I got a bunch of Corning Ware and an English teapot covered with violets, along with a lovely snack set with little shell-shaped plates and teacups, also violet-patterned, on two separate trips. I was furious when the auto shop next door bought them out and knocked down the building to expand their parking lot.

              I also found cast iron at another flea market, including a skillet that’s probably over 100 years old for $15 (I think it’s an Erie; I’d have to look). Permanent flea markets are a good place to look for housewares, although you do need to go in regularly because stuff cycles in and out. But it’s kinda fun to do even if you don’t buy anything.

              Avoid used non-stick pans. Once they’re scratched, you need to get rid of them.

              1. Tortoiseshell*

                There are multiple antique shop/thrift shop places around here, and a fancy kitchen shop.

                1. Chaordic One*

                  Aside from antique/thrift shops, flea markets, tag/garage/estate sales you might consider doing some dumpster diving. I’ve found some surprisingly good items in the dumpsters of various apartment complexes I’ve lived in through the years. Of course, you can’t count on finding any particular thing, but if keep your eyes open (and the stars align in just the right way) you can find some good things. And the price is always right.

                  Some of the things I’ve found include Corning Ware, a variety of near new pans and cooking trays, and an amazing antique cake stand and cover (the lid is huge and heavy). People are always moving and don’t have room for all of the things they’ve accumulated and don’t think ahead enough to donate them to charity. In a couple of the apartment complexes I’ve lived in, I suspect that the items may have belonged to someone who passed away and had no heirs.

          2. Tortoiseshell*

            I like Corningware! I will be checking out Goodwill etc. for some of that, thank you for the idea.

      3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        For what it’s worth, I got rid of my rice cooker because even the minimum amount of rice it could make at one time was too much for my family. If you’re likely to eat leftover rice that’s one thing (or if you can find a one-person quantity cooker) but we weren’t reliably doing so in a manner that made me comfortable for food safety (rice gets funky real fast if you aren’t careful) so ultimately it was just easier for me to make our rice in no-leftovers quantity on the stove. So bigger is not always better :)

        1. Not So NewReader*

          I found instructions on the net for how to use a crockpot to cook rice. I love it when an appliance serves more than one function.

          1. Jean (just Jean)*

            Thanks for the great idea! I’m making a mental note for this to become a small Crockpot Project in the near future, along with figuring out how to use it to make yogurt.

        2. Meh*

          You can pry my rice cooker out of my cold, dead, Japanese hands:) It even makes 1 cup, but my standard is 3 cups for 2 people.

          I tried the stove top white rice and that is not in my wheel house. I can do flavored or Puerto Rican rices on the stove (the solid pegao is my friend)

          1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            Totally fair! My rice cooker couldn’t do less than I think four cups cooked, which was just way more than we needed. (I bought a big one not thinking about it having a minimum – if I’d gotten a smaller one that could do as little as 1-2 cups, it would have been different.) I experimented until I figured out the ratio of rice to liquid and the time for one specific type of rice on the stovetop, and now it’s pretty easy to do either plain or to add seasonings as long as I stick with that specific type of rice. (It gets fiddly if I want to try a different type though.)

        3. Tortoiseshell*

          I enjoy leftover rice, but I’ll probably skip that and make it in a pot because of budget. The rice cooker can be a stretch goal :)

        4. Sally*

          Rice is easy to cook. You can steam it in a pot with a well fitting lid. Rice doubles in size. Measure rice and twice as much water into pot. Cover. Bring to a boil (or almost to a boil, so it won’t boil over) turn heat to very low, leave cover on. Takes 30 min or so for white rice, 40 for brown.

          Historical bit: the Minit Rice brand did a heavy handed ad campaign in the 1960’s about how difficult it was to cook rice, complete with tv ads showing horrified housewives with pans full of glutinous glop, failed attempts as they tried in vain to cook rice. Some of our mothers and grandmothers fell for these ads and only used Minit Rice.

          2. Crackerjack*

            You can cook rice in a microwave, if you’re going to have one anyway. I always do. Large heatproof bowl, double the volume of water to rice, add pinch of salt. Cover and cook. I use one cup of rice to two cups of boiling water and it takes about 13 mins on full power in my 800w microwave but you’d have to experiment with quantities/times to get to know your appliance.

          3. Jean (just Jean)*

            LOL at the 1960s Minit Rice ad campaign! I hope that expert rice-cookers everywhere had a good time laughing. (Full disclosure: I never saw the ads. We didn’t have a TV back then.)

      4. BethDH*

        It’s not on a lot of starter lists but I strongly recommend a scale. I use a lot fewer bowls and measuring spoons because I can just put my bowl or pot on it, then keep zeroing it to add new ingredients. It also makes it a lot easier to use British or other non-US recipes. AND to make it even better, it makes it way less of a pain to use sticky ingredients like honey and peanut butter. Making satay sauce, for example, in a single bowl with no measuring spoons at all.

        1. Pippa K*

          Seconding this! A simple digital scale can be fairly cheap and I use mine every time I bake and most of the time I cook. Slides into the cupboard on its side taking up very little space.

          1. pancakes*

            Third-ing. I bought one when I first got into cooking in the late 1990s for around $25 and it’s still going strong. One or two battery changes over the years. It is so, so much easier to just weigh things in grams or whatnot if I’m cooking a foreign recipe rather than having to do conversions.

    3. TangerineRose*

      I don’t do a lot of cooking, some baking. Are you including things like mugs, plates, bowls, silverware, knives to cut meat/cheese/bread? I’d want a microwave. I’d recommend a couple of pots to at least heat stuff up in. Bowls to mix cake, etc. in. Tupperware or something to store leftovers. You might need a can opener. Big spoons to stir soup. If you do much cooking, measuring cup(s) and measuring spoons.

      2. Squirrel Nutkin*

        On the issue of plates, etc., it’s fine to start out with fewer plates, etc. but make them nice.

        I was in my early 40s before I realized that I was probably never going to get married and have people give me china and that it was time to dump the crappy plastic stuff I had been using since my 20s. I got into the habit of going to Macy’s and buying one nice Fiestaware plate/cup/bowl each week after my therapy appointment until I felt like I had a beautiful set of enough pieces to have guests over, and I am so much happier now than I was eating off crappy plates.

        TL; DR: You don’t need a million pieces of china/stoneware, etc., but it’s okay to get a couple of nice things to eat off for yourself as a starter set.

    4. What the Jorts?*

      I recommended getting a large crock pot. I use mine all the time and make meals that I divide into individual portions and freeze.

      Here’s one of the recipes I make a lot, though I have tweaked it some. I add carrots, scallions, other herbs and spices. After 8 hours of cooking, the sweet potatoes break down and you have something very thick and hearty that goes amazing with brown rice.

      https://www.stockpilingmoms.com/crockpot-3-ingredient-chicken-sweet-potatoes/

    5. Chapeau*

      A shallow baking pan (1 inch deep) that can be flipped over if you need a flat sheet instead. I love sheet pan cooking, which is great for leftovers for the next day since cooking for 1 gets old pretty fast if you’re doing a new meal every day. You can search on the phrase “sheet pan cooking” and find tons of recipes that way.
      If you do decide to get a slow cooker, I love the Betty Crocker Slow Cooker cookbook. Some of the recipes will feed 10 or more people, but when I was cooking for 1 or 2, I loved the recipes that provided follow-up instructions using the leftovers for 2 (or more) meals. Some of them you can’t really tell you’re eating the same basic food since the leftovers are so well disguised.
      Other easy recipes for a slow cooker include a couple of boneless skinless chicken breasts in the cooker with salsa, cooked on low for 3-4 hours (depending how big the chicken is). Great filling for tacos, nacho toppings, even salads. I also do the same thing with a small beef roast and spaghetti sauce (less or more to taste again, and depending on intended use later) or just peppers and onions with a bit of beef broth, or a pork roast with barbecue sauce or sauerkraut, depending on your taste. Any of these can also be served over rice or noodles, as well. Tonight’s dinner was roasted pork (with the sauerkraut removed), gently reheated, then tossed over greens, just like a steak salad. I may turn the last of the pork into a pulled pork sandwich for lunch tomorrow by adding some barbecue sauce. If I’m out of buns, it’ll go over rice unless there are still some noodles at the back of the fridge…

      2. BethDH*

        Also they make sheet pans in smaller sizes. I use the quarter sheet pan size a ton even with more than one person in the house.

    6. Book the Wink*

      I really recommend the Budget Bytes website for cheap, beginner to intermediate recipes with an eye towards budget. Beth also has a good section titled Extra Butes that has a solid rundown of pantry staples and kitchen basics.

      My only contribution is 1. Get a bigger cutting board than you think you need and if you only have one, go heavy plastic. It is easier to sanitize and won’t damage your knife if you kinda suck at knives.
      2. If you have limited counter space, get a baking sheet, flip it over, and cover your stove burners. Easy extra “counter” space and storage for a sheet pan.
      3. If you are a hot beverage person, grab a small stove or electric kettle (I have free gas w my rent, so it is cheaper for me to have a small stovetop kettle). Honestly, it is one of the kitchen tools I use the most.
      4. The best kitchen cleaner I have found is white vinegar mixed with water. I bought a big, $3 spray bottle and a microfiber towel at Menards and other than the occasional Barkeeper’s friend to scrub out the sink and spray bleach for meat sanitization, nothing has worked better for me cleaning wise. Also, it’s cheap as heck. I also use it to spray down veggies when I am cleaning them so it really is a multitasker.
      5. Knife sharpener. Even a mildly bad one is better than nothing and a sharp knife is probably my #1 piece of kitchen equipment.
      6. When in need, check a thrift store or consignment store first. I have purchased my best pans (bar my IKEA stainless steel fry/sauté pan) and glassware at consignment stores.

      Honestly though, start small. Look at your kitchen space, really review what recipes you make, and add stuff as you need it. But a sharp knife, a decent cutting board, a medium pot w/a lid, a wooden spoon, a metal mixing bowl, a baking dish, a spatula, a baking sheet, some dish towels, a fork, and a frying pan will get you most of the way to where you NEED to be.

      Good luck!

      1. Daisy Duck*

        How… how can a cutting board damage your knife? I just use cutting boards of bamboo, I’ve heard it doesn’t dull the knife but that’s the only damage I can think of.

        1. Kivrin*

          It’s a risk when the cutting board is made of something really hard, like marble or glass – it’s hard enough to blunt the knives.

          1. Not So NewReader*

            Years ago I got glass cutting boards because of concerns about bacteria. The next thing that happened was my knives grew dull. Glass really kills a sharp edge on a knife.

        2. Book the Wink*

          Bamboo is also a good choice, but depending on the quality, it can warp in a dishwasher or if your executive dysfunction plays up and it gets left to soak too long. I love wood cutting boards, but there is definitely extra care needed. Marble is nice if you bake because it can double as a pastry surface, but as Kivrin points out, they can dull knives super quick. I’ve had similar issues w the flat plastic mats because they are just covering you counter. (I still use those too for convenience.)

          Like I said, if you are getting ONE cutting board, heavy plastic is the most versatile, imo. You can let it sit in water forever, it has good bounce and dulls your knives more slowly, and if you break/melt it, you are only out $8-15. It also requires basic maintenance (scrubbing/washing) and is generally a set and forget. For a more experienced cook/chef, go nuts. Get that cutting board of you dreams! But starting out? Heavy plastic works fine until you can sort out your preferences.

      2. Tortoiseshell*

        I don’t like the texture of wood or stone cutting boards, so I will probably go with plastic. And thank you for the reminder about white vinegar for cleaning.

    7. Noms*

      There’s an *excellent*, budget conscious kitchen essentials list in Midnight Chicken, which also has many favorite recipes! I borrowed an eldctronic copy from the library before buying and highly recommend checking it out!

    8. AcademiaNut*

      Bare minimum: two pots of different sizes, a frying pan, a baking sheet, a casserole dish, a colander, a cutting board, a grater (small and large holes), a mixing bowl, a small bowl, two spatulas (a flipper and a scraper), a paring knife, a medium sized knife, a long handled spoon, a pair of tongs, a vegetable peeler, a can opener, a bottle opener, and a corkscrew. If you like Japanese food, a rice cooker (basic is fine). A blender or hand blender is useful. A set of measuring cups and measuring spoons. A citrus juicer and garlic press aren’t strictly necessary, but are useful, and if you like to bake, get an extra mixing bowl and a rolling pin (or sturdy empty wine bottle).

      With two pots you can make a sauce and boil pasta at the same time. Non-stick is a good bet for the frying pan, particularly if you like eggs. Baking sheet gives you sheet pan dinners, roast vegetables, nachos and the like, a casserole is good for casseroles, also roast meats. Collander for draining stuff, if you get a metal one you can use it to make mashed potatoes (push cooked potatoes through with a spoon). A metal mixing bowl of the right size can be used with the pot as a double boiler. The grater can grate cheese and vegetables, the smaller holes are good for parmesan, garlic and ginger.

      If you’re going to spend money, good pots are the first thing to get – heavy bottomed and all metal (which means you can put them in the oven).

    9. A.N. O'Nyme*

      Good sharp knives – you’re less likely to cut yourself with a sharp knife, believe it or not.

      For pots and pans, get the highest quality your budget allows – good quality pans make things a lot easier. If you’re not planning to entertain much, you can probably get away with not buying the larger sizes.

      Cutting board – at least one. I like the bamboo kind, but your mileage may vary.

      Bowls in different sizes.

      If you’re planning on baking, scales and measuring cups.

      Also some microwaveable and freezable containers so that you can put away any leftovers for when you don’t have time to cook.

      1. A.N. O'Nyme*

        Also for Italian food I think there are English translations of Il Cucchiaio d’Argento (The Silver Spoon). There’s also the website cucchiaio.it but I don’t know if they have an English language option.

      2. Cat*

        And if you do cut yourself, a cut from a sharp blade heals more cleanly. The cut is smoother, while a blunt blade will crush and tear.

    10. Meh*

      Colander for draining pasta, rinsing veggies, etc

      Tongs are super useful- I have 2 sets

      Kitchen scale – it makes it so much easier to measure ingredients and I don’t have additional dirty dishes

      For Japanese cuisine I always find myself wishing I had a ginger grater and then getting annoyed that I don’t.

      Try shopping ethnic markets for tools. You’ll find things not found in regular housewares sections.

      Once you get settled, keep a running list of what you wish you had. If the same items keep coming up, make it a point to get those. Sometimes I’ll make a recipe that will call for a tool I don’t have but it’s such a one-off that I don’t bother. Other tools get used all of the time and make cooking easier/more enjoyable.

      1. pancakes*

        Yes – if you have a Chinese or Thai market nearby, look for Kiwi brand knives. They’re cheap and great. I think I paid $6 for my cleaver. Victorinox also makes relatively inexpensive and good knives.

    11. Vistaloopy*

      If you’re a coffee drinker, make sure you get a coffee maker with automatic shutoff (so basically, don’t buy the cheapest coffee maker, but the next one up should have it). Check out your local Buy Nothing group and post a request for kitchen basics – I bet you could get most of what you need for free!

      1. pancakes*

        Pour-over coffee is cheap, easy, and delicious (a Hario ceramic dripper is about $20), so I’m not sure I agree with this.

      2. Squirrel Nutkin*

        If you enjoy espresso and have a way to heat water, I’d recommend getting an espresso cup and using a great instant brand, like Medaglia D’Oro. Takes up very little room and tastes delicious!

    12. I take tea*

      Stuff I use a lot:
      A sauté pan (I think), that is a big frying pan with straight edges and a lid. That plus one big and one smaller pot goes a long way.
      A couple of spatulas
      Bamboo cutting boards (I dislike plastic) and a good kitchen knife. Also a small knife and a good peeler (Ikea had a really good one!)
      A couple of big metallic bowls (really easy to find second hand). As I said, I dislike plastic.
      Nice extras:
      An immersion blender (for making puree soup or mashed potatoes) with a small mixer attachment (for mixing nuts or similar).
      A mandolin is easier than a grater, but be careful, it’s sharp (eying some cuts on my thumb)

      I use a lot of physical cook books, but Cheap Lazy Vegan on Youtube is very inspiring for easy vegan food.

    13. Lady Alys*

      Get yourself a 10″ cast iron skillet (Lodges are often on sale), learn how to maintain it, and you can do just about anything with it (skillet pizza from Serious Eats, yum).
      I second the suggestion for a good digital scale.
      Every time I go to IKEA I buy another spatula. You can never have too many spatulas.
      If you can find a copy of “The Itty Bitty Kitchen Handbook,” by Justin Spring, you will find space-saving ideas for kitchenware and recipes.
      Qapla!

      1. Squirrel Nutkin*

        In the same vein as just committing to buying the spices up front, maybe stock your place with at least small quantities of a few staples, even if you don’t know yet quite how you’ll use them: Cooking oil (like Canola oil), Olive oil, flour, baking soda, baking powder, cocoa powder, sugar, evaporated milk, garlic (fresh, powdered, or from a jar or freezer pack), dried minced onions, pasta, rice, beans (dried or canned), canned tomatoes, canned or frozen veggies, frozen berries . . . . You can make a lot of meals by combining staples like these with each other or with a few purchases of fresh veggies, eggs, meat, etc. It’s just nice to have staples in the house so that when you’re looking up a recipe, you don’t have to run to the store all the time for that ingredient the recipe assumes you have.

        1. Kardemumma*

          If you can find somewhere that sells herbs and spices loose, buy just a small amount and replace regularly. I see so many kitchens with rows of spice jars that might be years old – I can’t imagine they have much more taste than sawdust. I buy about fifty cents’ worth at a time from a store with good quality and fast turnover.

    15. pancakes*

      I can’t recommend Madhur Jaffrey’s World Vegetarian highly enough for people new to cooking, even if you’re not vegetarian. It has loads of recipes, but also loads of basic guidance on how to prepare just about every vegetable or grain you can think of.

      I don’t make Japanese food at home often because there are a lot of good Japanese restaurants in my neighborhood, but MTC Kitchen is a great place to shop for supplies. They have good sales, too.

      A lot of people have recommended NYT recipes and they do have some good ones, but so does the Guardian and it’s free. Epicurious, Saveur, Food & Wine Magazine, and Leite’s Culinaria are other sites I like for recipes. The Japanese Pantry dot com has a small but nice selection of Japanese recipes.

      1. Squidhead*

        I have this book and love it (I have a couple of her Indian cookbooks too).

        Tangentially related, international food stores tend to have cheaper spices than US grocery stores. We have a supply of empty spice jars and we buy bags of cumin or mustard or whatever at the Indian store & fill the jars. Obviously depends on what kind of spices you like, but worth a look if you have a nearby store.

        1. Gingerblue*

          Along the same lines, the international foods section of even mainstream grocery stores will often have the same spices you can find elsewhere in the store but for a lot cheaper. Cinnamon sticks, for example, are exorbitant in the baking aisle but super cheap in with the Mexican brands near me.

        2. pancakes*

          Yes! We have a great Indian grocery in the neighborhood but sometimes I’ll go to Kalustyan’s instead, which is even bigger and better.

    16. anonagain*

      Bare minimum? I’ve done dutch oven, 1 knife, cutting board, 1 set of cutlery, 2 glass food storage containers, one mug, water bottle, 2 dish towels, oven mitt.

      Right now I have a basic rice cooker (on/off switch type), 1 knife, cutting board, 1 set of cutlery, mug, a couple water bottles (work and home), random jam jars & yogurt containers, 2 take out containers, and a dish drying rack.

      I like to start with the absolute minimum when I move and add specific things as I need them. I find it very easy to end up with a lot of stuff and still not have quite what I need/want otherwise.

    17. pancakes*

      I also want to recommend Elizabeth Andoh for Japanese recipes. I took a class on Japanese pickle-making with her and it was really cool. She has books out but she also has recipes on her website (tasteofculture dot com).

    18. the cat's ass*

      Mark Bittman’s “How to cook everything” has a batterie de cuisine in the first pages. Laurie Colwin’s “Home Cooking” also lays out the very bare minimum of what you need for a first kitchen. i have found both obbks indispensable! Enjoy.

    19. doubletrack*

      Immersion blender! It doesn’t take up a lot of room, great tool for salad dressings, soups, and sauces. Make sure you get one that dishwasher safe

    20. Constance Lloyd*

      A decent cast iron pan is great if you’re okay with a little extra maintenance. You can find one new for about $20-$30, but you can also find them at secondhand stores for a lot less. I use soap on mine and it’s totally fine, and I’ve rescued fully rusted pans with a bit of TLC.

      For recipes, I highly recommend the cookbook Good and Cheap. All of the recipes are written to be highly adaptable based on what you have in hand. I believe e-books are available free online, though if you like hard copies they also donate one book for every book purchased.

    21. Water Everywhere*

      Seconding Book the Wink upthread on Budget Bytes, it’s probably the recipe site I use the most. Lots of recipes you can cook in quantity and then freeze in portions for when future you doesn’t feel like cooking (I live alone & this works great for me).

      I’ve also been constrained budget & space wise so any utensil or pot that can multitask is great & there are plenty of good ideas already in this thread, but I have to say that my favourite, most-used kitchen purchase has been a small (1L) nonstick sauce pan. In tiny apartments where I haven’t had the money or space for a microwave, it’s become my go-to for reheating leftovers in me-size portions.

      1. The cat's pajamas*

        Start with the basics, don’t buy too many specialized items right away unless you already have recipes you frequently make that use them. Otherwise you end up with a bunch of gadgets you never use. It’s easier to add them as needed rather than getting rid of them later.
        If you have foodie friends they might loan you gadgets or tools to try a recipe and then if like it enough you can buy your own later.

    23. The teapots are on fire*

      I would add an inexpensive tool (a couple of sharpening stones or other well-reviewed tool) to SHARPEN your knives. Sharp knives become dull knives, no matter how awesome your cutting board is.

      1. pancakes*

        Depends on whether there’s a sharpening service nearby. We still have trucks that go around here, but they can be harder to catch than an ice cream truck.

    24. Veggie Lover*

      I have learned a ton about cooking from Cook’s Illustrated magazine. It’s connected to America’s Test Kitchen. Look for back issues!

      1. Lilith*

        Get rectangular shaped measuring spoons when you do buy them as they fit in the jars better than round spoons. Set measuring cups on a flat surface before purchasing to make sure their bottoms lie flat (some handles make them tip—top heavy).

    25. Texan In Exile*

      A Thermapen. It’s so worth the money (about $100). I think of all the years where I tried to get my sugar to a “dark amber” for making candy. Or waiting for “the juices to run clear” in the chicken. Or thumping bread for a hollow sound.

      And all along, there was an objective measure of doneness. Cook the sugar to 171 degrees! Roast the chicken to 165 degrees! Bake the bread to 205 degrees! Cooking and baking is not magic. It’s not something everyone else but me had figured out. Honestly, I’m a little bit cranky about this.

      1. Bike shorts*

        The thermapen is great, but a home cook can easily get away with the same brand’s Thermapop ($35) or the Lavatools Javelin ($25). They both offer slightly slower readings but they’ve served me perfectly well in professional kitchens. I also swear by digital thermometers over the various other ways of telling if X is done.

    26. The Witch of Sanity's Annex*

      The bare minimum: or what isn’t packed because I CANNOT live without it in the kitchen.

      1 high-sided frypan or caldero, with a lid. You can use it for anything from eggs to karaage!
      1 cutting board. start with plastic, they’re easier to maintain than wood and won’t dull your knives like glass will.
      1 decent kitchen knife (my favorite is a Farberware I got on a Cyber Monday sale for $40.) I use a santoku for everything in my kitchen, but choose one you like.
      1 pot, 3quart or larger (with lid) for boiling noodles and making soups.
      1 saucepan, same size (yes, this one too, lid!!), for making sauce and gravy
      1 sheet pan/cookie sheet
      1 um…*googles the English word* Colander!
      1 spatula/turner/pancake flipper thing
      1 long handled spoon, wood or silicone if you can.
      1 pair tongs
      1 rubber scraper
      1 balloon whisk.

      dishes and utensils too eat from/ with, right now we’re using paper plates and our plastic utensils that came with our bento boxes TBH

    27. Mrs. D*

      I’m coming to this a little late, but I wanted to recommend Cook’s Country magazine. It comes every two months, there are NO ADS in the magazine–just recipes, cooking tips, and reviews of cooking ingredients and tools. It’s published by America’s Test Kitchen, and every single recipe I’ve tried (and there’s been a lot) has come out so delicious! They include recipes that dip into all kinds of cuisines from all over the world, so there’s tons of variety. Annual subscription is about $30 for the physical magazine, but you can get a digital subscription that will allow you to access their entire recipe archives.

      For Italian cooking, I highly recommend Essentials of Classic Italian Cooking by Marcella Hazan. Very authentic!

  2. jmbagirl*

    Talk me through navigating the emotions of marriage separation when you’re completely blindsided by it. Especially with a 5 year old child. I’m ok with legals and financials etc but struggling on how to accept that the direction I thought my life would go now has another path.

    1. riverflows*

      My heart goes out to you for this time. I didn’t have a child so I can’t speak to that — I imagine it brings a whole extra layer of complication and emotional stress. I do have to admit for me there was way too much hoping my spouse would change their mind — the blindsiding made me be in denial far too long but eventually I focussed on all the things I wanted to do and be that I minimized because of him == the more I deeply thought about it the more I realized how much I had compromised to have the “dream relationship”.

      Therapy was helpful and although more than I could afford at the time, very much worth it to get an unbiased perspective about the relationship, me, and my future.

      Be kind to yourself and your child, and mourn the life you thought you would be having but you can now take some control over your own happiness, and that is okay. I ended up with a life very different than what I thought I would have but it is very good and fulfilling.

    2. justabot*

      I’m so sorry. That’s extremely difficult. I think it’s important to recognize this as a type of grief about the loss of a life you thought was in your future. And that there will be a wide range of emotions and it’s possible to feel in conflicting ways, even at the same time. You can miss someone and still be furious at them for taking away the future you thought you would have together. You can be sad but also optimistic about creating a life that makes you happy, for you and your child. Self care is important. Even if you are in shock and blindsided and not motivated. Do it anyway. Keep your body in motion. Your future may not be what you thought, but you still have one. You may not know the new path for awhile. That’s okay. Honor the way you feel, even if it’s not always pleasant. I am sorry you are dealing with this. Sending warmth and strength.

    3. LittleBabyDamien*

      I found that telling little stories about how other children had mistaken ideas about why the other parent left, for example, would give my children the emotional space to tell their own stories. Example: I read a short paragraph about a 5 year old who thought their parent must have left because they wet the bed, to my 16 year old, who burst into a story about how when I had abruptly left to walk off the aftermath of a teenage argument, their sibling had accusingly yelled at them, “Now look what you did, you made Mom leave too”. Listen lots, use open ended conversation, let them feel what they feel, let them know you are still the parent and will take care of them, emotionally as well as in other ways.
      I found it hard not knowing what was going to happen, and not seeing the future in a clear comfortable way. I also felt powerless when someone else’s choice about my relationship ended it. Understanding what I could and couldn’t control, and taking ownership of those choices that were mine, in a very intentional way, helped with that.
      I grew tomatoes in big pails in a sunny sheltered spot. I didn’t care if they actually grew tomatoes, it was the nurturing and the slowing of time while I tended them that mattered. I stopped for a few moments each day to water them, observe them, smell the scent of their leaves and the earthy scent of the potting soil, and just breath for a bit. They turned out to be my best tomatoes, but the value was in the time I spent.
      I joined a couple of support groups at different times, I leaned on friends and family who were strong and supportive, I took the chance to learn new things.
      My kids turned out pretty good, I like my life and I am happy now. If I had known that this is where I would end up, it would have been a lot less frightening then, but we can’t really know the future, just trust in the journey to get there. I think you and your child will be okay!

    4. Batgirl*

      Stay really, really busy. I don’t mean avoiding the grief; that work has to be done, but I did the grieving purposefully and made sure there were plenty of distractions booked in to stop me wallowing in it. Develop a “New life plan”, as well as plans for next weekend.
      What are your hopes and dreams and what kind of life would you design when there’s no one to navigate agreement with? You’ll also find that it’s at times like these that you discover who your real friends are, as opposed to people trying to keep the social status quo. Beware of the “shoulds” like people telling you you should be friends with your ex, or that you’re not trying hard enough to cooparent together; it’s fine if that’s helpful to you, but the most important thing you can give your child is a happy parent, so if you need some space and freedom, let your ex manage their own relationship with their child (it will reassure them that they don’t need you to be together to have their love) and make plenty of plans with your kid that’s just the two of you. The most helpful metaphor I was given was to expect a rollercoaster ride. Every time things are low, you’ll experience a following upswing as you develop coping strategies. Then when you’re feeling good, you can expect another low point to follow. The good news is that each time this happens it gets more and more level and the lows get shorter and more manageable. It’s possible to have a very good life and have excitement for the future while navigating this, even though it is hard.

    5. Not usual name*

      I’m only a few months ahead of you in essentially the same situation, down to age of child, and still blundering through. Solidarity.

    6. Filosofickle*

      I am coming up on a year since my partner blindsided me and left totally out of the blue. All I can say is that you don’t have to have that acceptance just yet. First, you have to get through these days and months. Accept that it’s happening, but you don’t have to accept it’s for the best or be at peace with it yet.

      I agree with staying distracted — cry it out, feel it, but give yourself a break from that too. Watch silly movies with your kid. I read very fluffy books and avoided anything emotional, heavy, or even a little romantic for a very long time. I let my friends be there for me.

      Know that grief is incredibly fluid and non-linear. It comes in waves. The first couple of months were actually not the hardest for me — the shock kept me from going too deep. I didn’t really hit bottom til month 4 or 5. I was grieving so many things. The loss of love. The loss of a life I enjoyed. The loss of a future I planned on. The loss of his presence. I had to feel all of that, in small doses as I was able so I didn’t drown. One day at a time. Enjoy the better moments and days when you have them.

    7. PRM*

      It takes time. Emotions come and go. Grief is not linear. Anger can strike at any time. I’m a writer and I’ve worked through some of them on the page. But mostly: I leaned on others to help carry me when I couldn’t. I don’t believe in individualism and I live my life and politics in that way the best I can.

    8. A Feast of Fools*

      Recognize that part of what you’re feeling is grief. The loss of the future life you thought you had is real and it’s OK to mourn it like any other loss.

      And, like any other loss, you just keep putting one foot in front of the other, while practicing judicious self-care, until you get to that point where you’ve adjusted to all the possibilities of a new future life.

    9. Squirrel Nutkin*

      Sending you all good wishes and strength — I know it’s really unsettling when you can’t quite imagine your future because things have taken such an unexpected turn, but knock wood, there IS an awesome future out there for you, even if it’s not clear to you right now. It sounds trite, but maybe there is a better direction for your life that you are going to be heading in.

      Meanwhile, please be really kind to and forgiving of yourself during this stressful time and also give yourself a big pat on the back every time you are able to model good coping skills for your 5-year-old. You can set a great example here of being able to acknowledge a huge disappointment and deal with it gracefully.

    10. Chaordic One*

      Give yourself a lot of slack. It’s a crappy situation and it’s perfectly normal to feel crappy about it. It is O.K. to let yourself be distracted by life, by your 5 year old, legals and financials, and by doing by yourself all the things that your partner did for you or that you did together. IME it is preferable to just letting things slide and ignoring those things that need to be done.

      1. The cat's pajamas*

        I haven’t been through this but sending Jedi internet hugs if you want them. I find the book Transitions by William Bridges helpful for any major life disruption/change and it covers the common themes for any kind of life change like grieving the past and moving through it.

    11. Random Bystander*

      Family counseling. It is a bit of a time thing, but I had a counseling session for myself, for myself+children, and also individual for two of my children (oldest and youngest sons, as it happened). My particular case was horrific and what ex did meant that he was not going to be involved in the children’s lives going forward (criminal charges were involved).

    12. Stoppin' by to chat*

      I strongly recommend finding a therapist if at all possible. Especially if you can do it remotely and walk while talking to them. Or if you see them in-person, then it’s a safe place to cry, or say the things out loud that you don’t want your child to hear, or whatever. I’m positive you will look back on this time in just a few years and realize how far you’ve come, and how strong you are. You will make it. Allow yourself to feel the grief, and keep reminding yourself you are strong, and you have what it takes to build a new life for you and your child. One step at a time. You’ve got this!

    2. Seeking Second Childhood, CTA*

      Even on weekends when I don’t have time to read and comment I come look at the cat photo.
      This makes me think there’s an untapped market for recessed storage box lids that fit a cat while they protect stuff.

      1. MigraineMonth*

        Just make sure there’s nothing you really want to access–say, a Vitamix blender–inside, because you may never get it back.

        1. Slightly Above Average Bear*

          I loved the Vitamix saga! I have had to introduce new empty boxes to make my Sweeneycat move from the ones I need access to.

  4. Crepuscular*

    Remember earlier this week a LW wrote in about how their coworker reeked of marijuana and they wanted to know how to handle it? I have a similar question, but it is not in the workplace.

    Has anyone had a similar situation in an apartment setting? I live in a smoke-free building, and I have neighbors who smoke it outside their front door which makes the smoke come right in through my windows. I personally don’t feel comfortable approaching them because it is marijuana and also the only interaction I have had with the wife was when she complained to me about noise coming from my apartment (and she wasn’t exactly polite about it either, especially since it was the first time she ever spoke to me – Not a tactful, “I know we haven’t really introduced ourselves but I wish it wasn’t over this situation….”). With the nice warmer weather here, I would like to open my windows but a few times a day I’ll have to close them while they get their smoke break in. Furthermore, when it’s inclement weather, they smoke it in their bathroom which comes up to mine. I’m not looking to be the neighborhood narc especially since the state is medicinally-legal only. But at the same time, the smell is disgusting to me, and I don’t want it in my living space.

    Do I grin and bear it? What other options do I have? The design of the complex makes it so that my apartment is the only one affected (please take me at my word and not say that is impossible). I don’t care if they smoke; I just don’t want to smell it.

    1. Charlotte Lucas*

      Have you considered talking to the landlord/building manager? You don’t need to specify exactly what they’re smoking.

      My neighbors’ smoke also comes through the bathroom due to the chimney effect. Luckily, they don’t smoke much.

      1. UKDancer*

        This is what I’d do. It’s one of the benefits of living in a block of flats in my view. You can defer difficult neighbour issues to the management company. So when my upstairs neighbour was smoking on their balcony and dropping cigarette butts over onto my balcony below I told the management company rather than trying to work out which flat it might be and tackle it myself. They dealt with the situation and it’s not happened again.

        1. Hazel*

          And for the times when you can’t figure out how the hell something appeared on your balcony, it could be birds picking things up and dropping them there. Although the time I found a very fancy ashtray on the balcony, I was startled and alarmed until I remembered that I had given my friend a key so she could enjoy the balcony while I was away.

    2. SofiaDeo*

      Can you get a fan in at least one of the windows facing outside? With a different window elsewhere open, so the airlow from ypur living room always goes outside?

    3. Yet Another Unemployed Librarian*

      Not quite the same but I once had downstairs neighbors who smoked cigarettes inside. We complained to the management and they did something that I think mostly involved adding extra foam insulation around the electrical outlets; that’s where they said the air was able to travel between units. It helped a lot. I realize this may not be very helpful since you might not want to go to management… maybe something is DIYable?? Won’t help with having windows open either. I’m sorry, that’s a crappy situation :(

    4. Ugh, that smell!*

      Put a fan in the affected window(s) with an intake/exhaust switch. When they’re smoking, switch it over to exhaust to keep the smoke out. Bonus points (maybe!) if it winds up blowing right on them and they move further away from the building.

    5. fueled by coffee*

      If it’s a smoke-free building and they’re smoking in their bathroom or right outside the door, I’d take it to the landlord. Don’t say it’s marijuana if that’s illegal where you are — just say that you’ve been smelling smoke around the building and could they please email all the tenants to remind them not to smoke on the property.

      Hopefully they are just unaware of how easily smoke can permeate other apartments, and a slight nudge from management will stop this.

    6. The Prettiest Curse*

      This sounds awful. If reporting them to building management and/or asking them doesn’t get them to stop, you might want to try an air purifier in the worst-affected areas. You shouldn’t have to get one, of course, but it would probably help with the smell and make the air more breathable. They aren’t hugely expensive, depending on which type you get.

    7. Crimson*

      Ughhhh this is so annoying. Usually I’m a huge proponent of talking to people directly but if it’s not a small building (more than 4 units?) I agree w going to management/ landlord first. You already know they’re not super polite or reasonable. If you talk to them then talk to the landlord they’ll know it was you. I’d be afraid of getting embroiled in some stupid back and forth.

      This is so freaking annoying. I have 0 issues with pot use but if you’re old enough not to live with your mom, you’re old enough to know your smoke is going to annoy people.

    8. Batgirl*

      We had this issue and had no recourse because it was separate houses, but the shared walls had vents and were very porous. They also smoked in the garden which would waft up to the bedroom window. We found neutradol spray on the vents was surprisingly effective (though it was too pungent to get rid entirely it was far more bearable). I’ve been told there are some American brands are even more effective.

    9. Not So NewReader*

      In NYS, smoking pot follows the same rules as cigarettes. If you can’t smoke a cig in a given area, then you can’t smoke a joint either.

    10. Filthy Vulgar Mercenary*

      You got other good advice – if you ever did want to say something to them, you could potentially frame it as being allergic “so can y’all shoot me a quick text before you go out to smoke so that I can close my windows”?

      1. pancakes*

        That would seem a little passive aggressive to me, and moving in the wrong direction. If the scent of smoke is the problem, smelling it is going to be a good cue to close the window, yes? If there’s no smell there’s no problem. There is a smell, and Crepuscular is entitled to be able to use their windows, probably both as a matter of local code and what the lease itself says about habitability. So you probably don’t want to start a conversation offering to close your windows every time they feel like smoking close by. They’re very likely not entitled to do that.

      2. RagingADHD*

        Please don’t create pretend allergies. It just makes it harder for people with real allergies to be taken seriously. Say you’re sensitive to it, say it makes you feel sick, whatever. Just don’t fake an allergy, because the belief that people lie about allergies puts people in life-threatening situations.

    11. pancakes*

      I’m not sure I follow on why talking to them does not seem like an option. The fact that the wife wasn’t nice when you spoke in the past about her noise complaint doesn’t register with me as a good reason to never speak to either of them again, and if you don’t want to be the neighborhood narc, asking if they could avoid smoking right near your window seems like a much better choice than going straight to the landlord. It’s also a very reasonable request, and I think it could be a chance to re-set your relationship in a more purposeful way rather than considering it permanently damaged by the less-than-ideal noise conversation. She was apparently rude, yes, but she did talk to you rather than call the landlord and complain about the noise.

      1. What About My Anxiety?*

        I follow. I live in a state where ALL usage is illegal and I live in a small condo building. The neighbor directly above me, Sara, smokes for her “anxiety”. The neighbor across from her, Allie, asked her one day just to be considerate of the fact that we all have a shared ventilation system, there are children in the building, etc. Sara proceeds to berate and bully Allie until Allie put her unit up for sale and moved. It worked out great for Allie cause this was about a year ago and she made a ton of money on her unit but once Allie was gone, Sara started smoking again. The last two months, Sara seems to be smoking more and more. I have severe allergies, my daughter has severe allergies, and really it just stinks as well. How do I deal with this neighbor?
        My take away from the comment section of the letter this week is that when people smoke weed for anxiety, everyone else is just supposed to accept it. But if someone that does not smoke weed has anxiety about confronting someone about weed side affects, then those individuals just have to get over their anxiety and talk to the person. It’s also something I get in general from reading this blog. Mental health now trumps physical health.

        1. ants*

          Mental health doesn’t trump physical health but you have to be willing to use your words because people can’t read your mind and know what’s bothering you. Part of life is that you sometimes have to do some basic conflict resolution because there’s no magical way to make people know what you need.

        2. pancakes*

          I don’t think that’s the right take-away at all, and I think you are going to have a hard time handling this to your satisfaction if you’re going to regard your own misunderstanding of changing norms based on blog comments as a more reliable guide to how to navigate this than your lease and your local tenancy laws. If you have a look at those I am confident you will find that the details as to what people can and cannot legally expect from their lease and their landlord have not been thoroughly abandoned in favor of a contest to see who is the most anxious tenant.

          It also seems like a mistake on Allie’s part to not have spoken with the property manager (or anyone, apparently?) about the bullying, and I think it’s generally a mistake for people to lean on “there are children in the building” if the real issues are 1) one tenant causing a heavy, unpleasant smell in common areas and/or other apartments, which is generally not going to be ok whether it’s from marijuana or cigarettes, and 2) health concerns around any heavy smoke due to tenants having asthma. It isn’t an advantage to mask those important concerns as something more vague and less urgent.

          Do you have any tenant advocacy organizations in your area? I would start there. Even if there isn’t someone you can speak to, there will likely be a useful Q&A or something to read or watch about local options for handling situations like these.

      2. CTT*

        There is something about a first interaction with a neighbor being a rude one that makes it difficult to talk to them later, at least for me. If they’re going to be so rude as to approach things that way, it doesn’t make me think that a polite approach will work so why bother .

        1. pancakes*

          It depends on the interaction, but in some circumstances “I guess we’re not talking now because she / he seems unpleasant” is going to result in escalation rather than have an overall calming effect on the situation. How someone speaks to you doesn’t have to determine every aspect of how you speak to them.

          1. Charlotte Lucas*

            But it does make you anticipate how they’re likely to respond even to a polite & reasonable request.

        2. Marion Ravenwood*

          For sure. My neighbours in my old house were like that (complaining about furniture building noise when we were moving in) and it became really awkward later on when we felt like we couldn’t speak to them about their loud music coming through our walls without it potentially kicking off. We did have some conversations with them about it, in a polite manner, and luckily the wife at least was receptive to it, but it still felt a bit like walking on eggshells in case they turned it around on us because of what happened before.

      3. Crepuscular*

        The wife complained about our new dog, who gets rambunctious in the early evening when we come from work. She wants to get dinner and play. This involves her running around and barking. We very quickly try to squelch the barking and running, but right now we’re at a loss because the dog thinks even that is a game. Obedience school here we come and more seriousness with training on our part. But explaining this to the wife downstairs was met with rolled eyes.

        These rolling eyes come from the same person who allows her household to play loud music and TV all night long as well as allow other nocturnal sounds to come blaring out of her apartment at least once a week – and long before we got the dog. I woke up at 3am the other day hearing a percussion beat that lasted for over an hour, accompanied by some other noises. During the day, I was able to Shazam the songs she was playing through my bedroom carpeted floor; that’s how loud her household can be.

        As far as her being approachable – between the rolling eyes, the banging on her ceiling/our floor to the point where furniture moves, and her yelling curses at our dog through the floor…yeah no I’m not approaching that. I feel that if I ask her/them to smoke near our open windows that she will somehow get offended. I’m also thinking that she will turn around and say I’m bullying her because of what she said about the dog. I feel it’ll become a tit for tat ordeal.

        Yes, I do agree that open communication would normally be the best go-to. I actually attribute Allison’s blog here to have taught me that quite well. However, in this situation, I do not feel comfortable, and her blog has also taught to go with your gut.

        1. pancakes*

          It sounds to me like the eye-rolling is mutual. I don’t think it’s horribly out of bounds to roll one’s eyes at a neighbor who thinks the reasons why their dog barks a lot should make the barking easier for everyone in the vicinity to live with. Point taken about the cursing and banging on the floor, but it sounds as if your dog makes a lot of noise, and you know it makes a lot noise, and you haven’t been effective in getting it to make less noise. It sounds like this is already a bit of a tit-for-tat ordeal because you’re pointing out that she plays music very loud. That is a terribly annoying tendency in a neighbor and you have my sympathy, but a barking dog is annoying too. If your gut is telling you to call the landlord or the police the next time there’s an annoying smell coming from these tenants, I wouldn’t be surprised if she did the same the next time there are annoying noises coming from your place.

          1. Also going anon*

            A dog barking in the early evening is in no way comparable to heavy percussion at 3 am.

    12. MigraineMonth*

      Probably a terrible idea, but I’d be tempted to gift them several boxes of brownie mix. I have no problem with marijuana, but I hate smoke.

      1. Anonymous cryptid*

        I had a similar issue except I’m allergic to pot smoke, so not being able to breathe in my own unit is unacceptable. Thankfully, my landlord clarified that no smoking for us also means outside. They ended up smoking in their car, iirc.

        I also have a heavy duty air purifier which helps but is not 100%, and was already carrying N95 masks before the pandemic.

        It’s awful for folks like me, there’s no treatment for my allergy, and I’m treated like a pariah for simply wanting to just breathe without getting sick. My dr is dismissive and won’t give me an epipen. I have been able to put on a mask or get away from smoke so far. I don’t know if I’d get anaphylactic shock, I get to find out the hard way. :(

        1. Fellow sufferer*

          Sympathies. I have the same allergy and was treated like a pariah by my last building management and the offending new tenants when I complained so I know how it is.

          We’re not talking the occasional “For God’s sake use edibles, this is an apartment building and weed isn’t entirely legal here so you’re being stupidly conspicuous” moment. So much weed stench was coming through my closed windows and HVAC every two hours that even five heavy-duty HEPA air purifiers running 24/7 in a 900-square-foot apartment couldn’t mitigate it. Management refused to do anything.

          I gave in and moved out rather than risk yet another allergic reaction landing me in the ER or worse. I pay much more in rent now for the privilege of breathing. The thing is, multiple long-term tenants, not just me, moved out over that and other issues and management had the nerve to complain that all the “steady tenants” were leaving. Sheesh.

        2. Crepuscular*

          I’m sorry you are allergic to it and have to deal with a doctor even that won’t give you an epipen. Have you tried seeking out a new doctor for a second opinion?

          Thankfully, I’m not allergic. I just think the smell of it really stinks. I understand that pot can have helpful medicinal effects, but I would really need to lose my sense of smell in order to be able to try it. I don’t understand otherwise why people would want to smoke something that stinks so bad. With that being said, you’re reading a comment from someone who is also a picky eater and thinks strawberries have a funky smell; don’t take my opinion of it personally (whoever is reading this). I can tolerate cigarette smoke a helluva lot better than pot smoke. Go figure, right?

          1. Anonymous Cryptid*

            I’m not sure who I’d go to. There’s no official allergy test for it, and even if there was I’d have to put something in my body I’d rather not have in it, and if I try to do my own test I’d have to support an industry trying to kill me. Neither of these are great options.
            There’s still hardly any research on allergies, and many people don’t even believe they’re real because pot is seen as a totally harmless miracle cure for everything. I’m going to have to wait until enough others suffer for it to be taken seriously and continue to do what I can to protect myself.

            1. No Name For Now*

              If you haven’t yet, you should check out an allergist/immunologist. You can go to the website of the American Academy of Allergy, Asthma & Immunology to search for one. I won’t put the website in, since it will just get held up for a while. They might be willing to prescribe an epipen and it would probably be helpful to have a dr who is willing to say “yes, Anonymous Cryptid does have an allergy to marijuana smoke”.

              1. Quinalla*

                Agreed, even if there isn’t an official allergy test, if anyone is going to be able to help it is an allergist. People can be allergic to ANYTHING, an allergist should understand this. If you explain your symptons when you breathe in the smoke, hopefully they should be able to diagnose from that without having to do a test and get you an epipen prescription. And I would find a new general doc too if you can, I wouldn’t put up with someone that basically wasn’t believing me as my regular doc, yikes!

                Mom to kids with allergies and “happy” to pay for epipens we hopefully never have to use.

                1. Anonymous Cryptid*

                  Thanks, I also have to find an allergist who believes pot allergies are real, sigh. It might be easier now too that more dr’s offices are caught up after pandemic closures.

                  My Dr. is decent otherwise. I’m getting the sense that since it’s such a new area for treatment she’s being overcautious with the dx.

      2. Crepuscular*

        I’m sure anything further I say will make it all the more tit for tat.

        I just have one question – should I have said something to her in the same conversation about her household’s overnight noises?

    13. Wishing You Well*

      Report the smoking to the building manager. And keep reporting it if it keeps up.
      It used to be safe to calmly address people directly about a problem you’re having with them. Now – not so much. Even before Covid, I’ve experienced people’s behavior escalate over small matters. Use your building’s management to handle it. That’s what they get paid for.

  5. Anony*

    Anyone here have experiences fixing diastasis recti with exercise and maintaining it? Recommended resources?

    1. PostalMixup*

      Start with PT, if you can. That’ll give you the most personalized, hands-on help. Then, for maintenance, I signed up for MommaStrong. The whole point of the program is to be safe for people whose bodies have undergone damage from pregnancy, childbirth, and parenting (wrestling with toddlers, baby wearing, etc.) and to fit into a busy schedule. For me, it’s absolutely worth the money, because otherwise I’ll do absolutely no exercise! Another thing I love about it is it’s commitment to body positivity – there’s no discussion of aesthetics or “bouncing back” or whatever bs, but rather the focus is on building and maintaining the strength to live your life without pain.

      1. GermanGirl*

        In addition to PT and then classes of some kind, give yourself time.

        It took almost three years for me to regain all the stability that was lost because of the pregnancy.

        I did PT to start with, then took a weekly post partum yoga class for about half a year and then switched to 5 minutes of Pilates exercises a day and my regular sport which is Ballet.

    2. PT should be standard aftercare*

      Definitely recommend PT. I’m now transitioning to the GetMomStrong program at the recommendation of my physical therapist.

    3. Swisa*

      Seconding physical therapy! They can assess how bad it is, and can give you exercises targeted to your specific situation.

    4. BethDH*

      I found something I think through Mayo Clinic that had info on breathing exercises accompanied by movement that were super helpful — think yoga breathing in a version suitable for diastesis recti.

    5. A Mom*

      I also did physical therapy and found it super helpful! I have 2 kids, and did PT after both births.

      After kid #2 I knew about diastesis recti (not sure if I had it after #1 because I didn’t know to check) but due to the pandemic I wanted to start with an app instead of in person PT. I did a sample class via Facebook with MUTU System and then ended up getting the Every Mother app, and I did see results from the exercises in the app (closed the diastesis) but was still having lower back pain so I did additional with with a PT after (to strengthen my core gently/ mostly resolve the back pain).

      Every Mother was a little “woo-woo beige empowerment/GOOP girlboss” for my personal taste but it worked well and I appreciated that they had various models show the exercises, not just the very thin very blonde owner. It’s a subscription service but they currently have a mother’s day sale and I think there’s a two week free trial.

      MUTU was very energetic/cheerleader loud, and I think more expensive? Not completely positive why I ended up going with EM but probably cost or possibly app notifications (recently diagnosed ADHD, have always had trouble with routines that don’t have external reminders).

      Good luck! I hope you can find a solution that works for your body. I found EM really helpful for the DR and urinary incontinence.

      Links in followup comment!

  6. L. Ron Jeremy*

    My 20 year old male cat Honsom is slowly deteriorating with kidney disease and I’m not sure what signs to look for signaling its time to call it a life well lived.

    He’s still eating pretty good, drinking a lot and pooping and his volume of pee in the box is growing. He is very thin without much muscle and his gate is wobbly. His pelt is looking scruffy and he has many mates on his abdomen that he won’t allow me to remove.

    What do I look for? Thanks everyone.

    1. TangerineRose*

      Have you talked to the veterinarian? A blood test may help explain more about how he’s doing. Sorry you and your kitty are going through this.

      1. L. Ron Jeremy*

        Blood test at the vet confirmed kidney dysfunction. Unfortunately, he won’t eat the special diet and he vomits any medication.

        1. My Cat's Humsn*

          So sorry you are going through this. Agree with others’ suggestions below.

          Re the special diet — cats often don’t like sudden changes in food.

          Maybe try stirring/mixing together 10% special diet with 90% usual food, and if he eats that, then increasing the % of special diet in the mixture gradually, as he gets used to it.

          Ours did well on the special kidney diet food for a few years.

    3. TPS reporter*

      I am so sorry as well. It’s so hard to see them deteriorate. I’ve had two that I probably waited too long for as I couldn’t bear it just yet. No one would be mad at you for letting him go now while he has a decent quality of life.

      Going to the box and eating are good signs that he is okay. Once he’s really not eating or suing the box it’s likely time. My best wishes for you to be strong and remember the good times.

      1. A.N. O'Nyme*

        This. Cats are good at hiding when they’re suffering, and by the time you realise it may be too late. I had that happen with my previous cat – had to let her go at the age of 10 due to a tumour that the vet could not do anything about by the time we noticed. My options were putting her down immediately or take her home with painkillers for a few days to say goodbye. I chose the first option.

        There is no real optimal time to let a cat go. He’s 20 and you clearly love him a lot – that alone is already a life well -lived. There’s no shame in not waiting for his life to inevitably become unbearable.

        1. pancakes*

          Yes, I agree. One thing our vet recommended when we were trying to make a timing decision with our dog years ago was to rate his days on a 1 to 5 scale. It sounded odd at first but it was very helpful. That will give you something more than memory to rely on in terms of assessing when kitty is having more bad days than good.

      2. Falling Diphthong*

        Agree on eating and using the box.

        Will add that I learned in a sci fi book about purring as a means of self-comfort, and then read here about it–don’t assume that curled up purring means idyllic, if other signs suggest he is struggling.

        I’m sorry; it’s hard when they go. With our 20 year old cat I had decided that next week I needed to call the traveling vet, and a couple of days later she was gone.

    4. Princess Xena*

      I’m so sorry :(. Is there any way you can talk with your vet about hospice/palliative care? They may have some suggestions. When I was facing a similar situation with my kitty my vet told me painkillers and all the good treats were my friend, with the occasional stool softener to counteract the painkiller.

    5. noface*

      I knew it was time when: he wasn’t eating, and wasn’t able to lap water – he would let running water from a tap drip into his throat. I’m really sorry. I think there’s no perfect moment, and many people have a hard time making the decision that it’s time.

      1. L. Ron Jeremy*

        Thanks for your advice. I want to make the call before he gets to a point of distress and to try to ensure Honsom’s passing is at the correct time.

    6. LittleBabyDamien*

      My cat had kidney disease, and we had her put down when it got bad. It seems that your cat is not doing too badly at this point, comfort wise, but I think that any deterioration, in food intake or ability to make it to the litter box, for example, will be your sign.
      Near the end we took her to the vet, who said that the time was close, and they gave her some intravenous fluids and some pain meds for a bit of temporary relief at that time, so that she would be more comfortable while a family member who wanted to say good bye could get there to be with her.
      I have spent a lot of emotion and energy making the call for my pets, and have never looked back and thought, “That was too soon, I should have waited longer”.
      I am sorry that this is happening, I wish you and Honsom a peaceful passing with no regrets.

      1. L. Ron Jeremy*

        Thank you for your kind wishes. I’ve been down this road before with other cats, but Honsom is special. My son found him on the street when he was only about 3 weeks and he’s been with me ever since.

        He has already had several close calls over the past several years where I thought it was his time, but he pulled through each time and fully recovered.

        I know there is no escaping kidney disease; I don’t want him suffering, but I have to balance him comfort against my love for him, and I want his comfort to steer his course.

    7. Little beans*

      I’m so sorry. I lost my dog at 16 years recently to kidney disease. His vet prescribed a special diet and he was able to do pretty well on that for a couple of years actually. We did have to deal with lots of accidents in the house, but it wasn’t until he stopped eating that it finally really seemed like the end. In our case, the vet was able to put him on some fluids that brought his vital signs back up to good enough levels that we brought him home, and he had one last good day with us, but then ended up passing the next night.

    8. Cat and dog fosterer*

      Cats stop grooming when they are too sick. My cat needed extra help for the last few years, but was doing some grooming. The end was really obvious in my case, but if the grooming had stopped completely then that would have been my sign.

      1. L. Ron Jeremy*

        Honsom is still grooming himself after eating, although not as well as he used to and it really shows.

        It’s tough to see him shrinking away when he so fluffy and he was the boss cat for so many years.

        1. ThatGirl*

          I know this pain. It was hard to watch our boisterous, fluffy dog lose weight and function. I agree that when he stops grooming, eating, drinking or otherwise behaving normally, it’s probably time.

    9. saradactyl*

      Agreed with the below comments about eating and drinking, but I’d also add what my parents’ vet said about their dog – is he having more good days than bad days still? Does he still feel well enough to do things like sit in his favorite window and look at birds? Or does he curl up and sleep and hide most of the time? If he’s still having lots of good days he might hold on for a while.

    10. KittenLittle*

      OSU’s Veterinary Medical Center has a quality of life scale worksheet to keep track of his good and bad days that may help you and your veterinarian decide when it is time to let him go. (vet.osu.edu/HonoringTheBond)

      I am so sorry that you and sweet Honsom are going through this.

    11. sequined histories*

      My vet had me squirting anti-nausea meds into my cat’s mouth daily as well as sticking a gob of high calorie jelly in there every day, which I do think helped. I started subcutaneous hydration shortly before he died (basically giving the cat a saline IV under the skin) and wished I had started that earlier. That part turned out to be easy, but he tolerated being handled better than many cats might, so YMMV. My vet had suggested that if the cat started refusing to eat that might be a good time to let go. (I adored the cat but I didn’t want to keep him alive if he couldn’t enjoy anything anymore.) What happened in the end is that he collapsed over his food dish–as in his legs wouldn’t hold him up–one evening. He was up and walking the next morning, but I decided I didn’t want him to have multiple episodes of not be able to stand or walk when he was alone, so I had him euthanized that day. It was so poignant, but at least know his last day of life was not some miserable ordeal, and I have some sweet memories from the last hour of his life. By that time, he had been in kidney failure for a couple of years, I guess. I’m sorry you’re going through this,

    12. Cat Lady*

      I am so sorry that you are going through this! Our cat went into kidney failure at 2 years old so I know how hard it is to go through. The best advice we got from a vet was that the cats kidney numbers will never tell the whole story. As an owner you are the best expert on your cat. There is a support group linked below for people who have cats with kidney disease. Aside from this comment section it might be one of the kindest places on the internet. They have a lot of resources on managing disease but also saying goodbye. I hope they might be able to offer you some help in this hard time. Sending you and your cat a lot of love. https://www.felinecrf.org/

      1. L. Ron Jeremy*

        Thanks for the link. Very comforting words from those who have been struggling with their cat’s kidney health.

    13. Dont be a dork*

      I have only ever regretted waiting too long. I have never ever regretted making the decision a little sooner than I was hoping for.

      If you are wondering if you should, you probably should. If you can trust your vet to be more concerned with Honsom’s quality of life than what you might shell out to keep him around a few more days or weeks, then take him and let them check him out and give their honest opinion.

      I’m so sorry. It’s the worst best decision you can make for them, but after a lifetime of loving, don’t we owe them an easy trip across to the other side?

    14. I'm A Little Teapot*

      What I did was make a list of everything that made life good, from the cat’s perspective. Then I periodically reviewed the list and crossed off anything that had been lost (or gained, if it was a bad thing). For my cat, I found that it was a very slow progression, then something happened and we lost most of the list all at once.

      My cat’s list was something like:
      –sleep in her favorite bed by the window
      –sleep on my bed
      –sleep outside under the bush
      –eat food she likes/not have to eat food she doesn’t like
      –not have regular accidents (she was clearly and obviously distressed by soiling herself)
      –not have to take meds she didn’t like
      –steal my breakfast
      etc.

      She lost a couple items right from the beginning when I made the list, then stayed stable for quite a while. Then she developed a heart condition, which crossed off one thing, but then the heart progressed and overnight she lost about 2/3 of the list. I called it then.

      There was a lot of crying involved while doing the list.

    15. RC+Rascal*

      I did subcutaneous fluids at home the last 2 1/2 months of his life.

      I kept asking the same question you are: how do you know it’s time for the end?

      For me, it was time when I could see he was visibly suffering and then I knew it was my responsibility as a loving owner to end it for him. Mine ate and drank until the end; he had a tremendous will to live. The last few days he started peeing in my apartment; even with two boxes he just couldn’t get there in time.

      1. L. Ron Jeremy*

        I’ve done subq fluids for Honsom twice before and for only about a week each time. He recovered both times.

        He’s currently resting in his favorite place, between my legs, and getting neck scratches and love.

        His appetite is strong, but I’ll keep watch for out of the box accidents.

        1. RC+Rascal*

          The last 2 weeks of his life I was giving the fluids every day. Hope this info helps.

    16. Eff Walsingham*

      We just went through the “palliative care” phase with one of ours (cancer). Our vet advised us not to bring him in again because of the stress, unless his quality of life wasn’t there anymore. She told us to look for 2 things: (1) is he eating? And (2) is he happy?

      I never made a trip to the fridge without him coming along, and he still found something to purr about up to his final day. (Chicken. He would always purr for chicken.) He had a few hygiene problems toward the end… we had to bathe him a couple of times, but he didn’t mind. He loved the towel cuddles after! But I was glad the vet gave us those signs to watch for, because we were able to have him home with us until he passed away peacefully.

      I am sorry to hear about your cat. It’s very hard, I know.

    17. Free Meerkats*

      We literally had to take Yum Yum to her last vet appointment yesterday due to chronic kidney disease. What settled it for us was 3 things:
      -She would hardly eat anything, including the lickable treats that previously made you count your fingers after giving them to her. Transdermal appetite enhancer only helped a little and the anti-nausea meds made her vomit.
      -She started denning about 2 weeks ago. Just settled in her little cave under the bed for almost all day.
      -She became incontinent.

      Then today we got her birthday card from Chewy…

  7. Venus*

    How does your garden grow?

    My asparagus and daffodils have finally appeared. I am starting to put the tomatoes and pepper seedlings outside to get used to sunlight. It is finally starting to feel like spring!

    1. SparklingBlue*

      The weather has finally let up in my area, so I hope to do some planting. (flowers and herbs)

    3. allathian*

      Our daffodils and tulips are growing bigger by the day, although I’d be surprised to see any flowers before June. Spring is late here this year. The daffodils we have in tubs are still blooming nicely, though.

    4. Seeking Second Childhood, CTA*

      That dozens of daffodils I planted in the fall are bobbing over bluets. I’m very happy to report that I have successfully encouraged those wild flowers by not mowing until they set seed. I am less happy to report that the same thing has encouraged the hoary cress. Pretty when it first comes up but miserable to walk through. Especially when their seed pods start popping.
      We put in lilacs on the hill that is scary to mow. And we have quince to transplant from our old house. Even though that means escalating my fight with the deer. (They already come within 15 feet of the house to graze on my terrace garden.)
      I have asked for perennials for Mother’s Day so we will join the throng at the nursery tomorrow.

    5. Lizabeth*

      My garlic is coming up! I’m excited because I was supposed to do in the fall and forgot. Threw them into some barrels with a nice mix of soil, compost and leaves. I don’t think the deer or bunnies will munch on them….

    6. Falling Diphthong*

      My iris are putting up flower stalks–I wasn’t sure if the copious amount of leaves would stop at leaves. The garden was left to its own devices the past few years due to poor health, and it’s nice how much it didn’t need me.

    7. Swisa*

      We just planted some asparagus and strawberries, and I’m really excited about it!

    9. Hotdog not dog*

      This is a popular day for garden club plant sales, so I made the rounds (in the rain!) and am looking forward to planting my treasures. I love garden club sales, since you can usually talk to someone who grew the actual plant you are buying and if they’re local, I know it will also grow in my climate. Plus I like to support the clubs, who work hard to keep our public spaces looking good. I picked up a really cool dianthus, a bunch of perennial herbs, and a new variety of coneflower that I hadn’t seen before, all divided from local gardeners’ plants.

    10. Girasol*

      Under milk jugs. I have a collection of plastic milk jugs with the bottoms cut out to protect newly planted tomatoes and peppers from late frost, and good thing, too, since there’s frost predicted Monday. I just have to screw the caps back on. They’re staked with pine sticks stuffed up the handles and work pretty well. I always wanted wall-o-waters but for the army of tomatoes I have, they would cost as much as the truckload of mulch I want dumped on the driveway so I can redo the whole back yard, and I’ll go for the mulch instead.

    11. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain*

      It feels like I need to repot almost everything this year, and while I love to get my hands dirty and see the finished result, I agonize over which pots to put my plants in until I shut down and put it off another weekend. My Kalanchoe orgyalis “copper spoons” has way outgrown it’s shallow pot and is starting to show signs of being root bound and unhappy, but of all my empty pots, I can’t decide which to transfer it into.

      I picked up 4 new plants at the Huntington Plant Sale, and my friend who went with me gave me 5 cuttings from her collection of succulents, so I have a plethora of plants…a nice place to be in…but they all need to get out of the plastic pots and into permanent homes.

    12. Salymander*

      My tomatoes had a little fungus spotting on the leaves, so I treated them with an organic fungicide spray and they are now doing really well. Everything else is growing well, too.

      Someone ripped up all the California poppies from my guerilla garden tree pits. The other guerilla garden plots were spared, and they didn’t touch the other seedlings that are just coming up. Maybe someone stole the flowers so they could give their mom a bouquet?

      I mentioned last week that one of the guerilla garden tree pits had been doused with vodka when someone broke a bottle into the soil. Nothing would grow. I flooded the soil with water to flush it out, added some minerals and compost, and now a few very hardy seeds have sprouted! Cosmos, California poppy, borage, chia and sunflowers are just beginning to sprout. So excited!!!

      I saw a lot of butterflies in the garden this week, including Edith’s checkerspot, painted lady, tiger swallowtail, and gulf fritillary. I saw others, too, but they were too elusive for me to get a good look at the wings.

  8. Cat’s Cradle*

    Has anyone found an iPhone cord that’s cat-proof? One of my girls has started chewing on cords to get my attention and the lemongrass spray (sold as anti-scratching spray) worked for a bit until she developed a taste for it. Since it’s attention-seeking behavior (she’ll chirp and look at me before chomping down) I’m trying to ignore her when she does it but I don’t want her getting hurt in the process. I do have some decoy cords that aren’t plugged in to distract her but she’s clever enough to keep trying the cords until she finds the right one.

    She gets PLENTY of attention – I work from home and she sleeps in my lap while I work plus she has siblings to play with. She just has moments when she wants attention that very moment and found a way to demand it.

    1. Kitties*

      We had this problem too. We got ridged cord covers and that solved the problem. Amazon sells them. I’ll add a link in a comment, but you can also just google pet safe cord covers and you’ll see a variety of covers.

      1. Kitties*

        I tried to put in a link but it was too long. Anyway the kind we have are from Amazon and are made by Cacovedo. You can cut them to whatever length you need. But there are lots of other kinds if you google pet safe cord covers.

        1. Sam I Am*

          This is what worked for us, and my cat also seemed to have an “attention seeking” element to the cord chewing.

    2. Lizzie (with the deaf cat)*

      Lots of cats seemed to be hard-wired (ha) for this kind of behaviour, as they have a snake-killing instinct. Obviously some cats are good snake killers and some are not interested, though. I suspect she is chirping to tell you she has found a snake and is going to demonstrate killing it, so that you will learn to kill your own in future.
      I think cord covers are the go – you can use toilet roll or paper towel rolls for a cheap version, maybe wrap some sticky tape around the cardboard so that the sticky side faces outwards, most cats don’t like getting their fur/whiskers on anything sticky.
      My grandmother had a dog (40 years ago) that used to have fits intermittently, long after his eventual death she found the tv cord had a lot of teeth marks in it where he had bitten it and we presume it sometimes bit him back!

    3. Cat and dog fosterer*

      Bitter apple spray is available in pet stores. It doesn’t work with every cat, but does with most, and might be worth a try. She might grow to like it, like the lemongrass.

    4. Filthy Vulgar Mercenary*

      My mom started squirting her cat with a water bottle when he was doing something similar. The cat learned this would bring the wrong kind of attention, but it didn’t actually hurt the cat.

      Then again, he did express his displeasure by pooping outside the litter box each time after mom sprayed him, so your mileage may vary!

    5. Dino*

      Don’t have decoy cords, it just teaches them to try every cord and reinforces the “cord = toy” concept which is not helpful.

      My cat used to do it, too. It was also an attention thing. So every time she bit or destroyed a cord I would (without saying anything or a large reaction) pick her up and put her away from me, then close the door in between us. Since she was doing it for attention from me, turning it into something that got her less attention and access to me worked. She fully stopped chewing cords by the time she was 16 months old.

    6. Sundial*

      One of mine rips out carpet fibers and eats them when she wants attention. I keep a squirt gun handy to make her stop.

    7. I take tea*

      I had a cat like that. She didn’t stop until we had to take her to the vet after getting an electric chock. I hope the other suggestions work better.

    8. Suprisingly ADHD*

      My cat des the same thing, we figured out we can redirect him to something else to chew on. Those plastic straps that come around some cardboard boxes (especially printer paper) are his favorite. We just leave them laying around, and when he chews wires we give him the straps to chew on instead.

    9. kina lillet*

      Weirdly, my iphone cord is the only one that the cat doesn’t chew on. Maybe try those woven cords?

      For all my other cords and cables I use this weird clear tubing that goes around the cord. It’s just the only thing that works.

    10. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain*

      I haven’t done this with a cat, but it’s worked on chewy dogs…wrap tinfoil around anything you don’t want chewed. It’s cheap and unpleasant to chew.

      1. the cat's pajamas*

        I can’t have a cat anymore for reasons, but I’m wondering if getting a cheap knockoff cord as a decoy would work or if they’d be too smart and figure it out, lol.

        1. pancakes*

          How does the cat know it’s a decoy? They like to play with cords and they like to play with yarn as well. They like the motion of a lightweight, wiggly thing. The functionality of it as a charger is beyond their little minds.

          1. The cat's pajamas*

            I was thinking if they chew on it because it’s a lightweight wiggly thing, or if it’s because they know it’s the VERY IMPORTANT wiggly thing that their owner is frequently using, and therefore must chew that specific one. :)

    11. Skeeder Jones*

      My cat is a cord eater so I bought protectors fro all my cords and no longer have to worry about it.

    12. Eff Walsingham*

      We gave up. Both of our phone cords go in a drawer when not in use, and she only went for them when the phone was not attached. Now after seeing the snake- hunting comment, I’m wondering if that had something to do with it in her case? Because she leaves all the other electrical cords alone.

      1. pancakes*

        Of course. If it’s moving, it’s something that might look fun for a cat to pounce on. A phone cord resembles a length of yarn and cats famously like to play with yarn, yes? They don’t understand electricity but they know a wiggly thing when they see one. The only time our cat went for cords was when I’d have my phone charging and in hand – the cord is going to be moving a bit unless you’re sitting perfectly still. Setting the phone down in place and distracting her with a proper toy should work.

  9. Tulips are here!*

    I’m a nervous flyer, but I’ve tried not to let that get in the way of traveling. My partner and I are contemplating international travel this summer, and I want to set myself up for success on the longer flights that will entail.

    Right now, here’s my list of strategies:
    -paying for internet so that I can feel connected to the outside world (one thing that freaks me out is the disconnect)
    -having activities that engage both my brain and my hands (i.e.movie & doodling)

    I want to avoid medication/supplements because of potential interactions with other medication—and I feel like a bad reaction to a sedative will be more terrifying than my baseline anxiety.

    Any other recommendations?

    1. fueled by coffee*

      -over-ear headphones and podcasts. I get worried about blasting music through earbuds with given how loud the engines are on planes, but podcasts are a good “passing the time” option because you can keep your eyes closed while listening. I have a lot of trouble sleeping on planes, but podcasts at least help me “zone out” a little
      -if you find yourself getting nervous, a breathing technique I like to use is to make your exhales slightly longer than your inhales: so, for example, breathing in for a count of four, then out for five, and repeating. It’s possible that this is totally a placebo effect, but I was told by a therapist once that this strategy helps with regulating your nervous system to make you feel more relaxed.

      1. Princess Xena*

        If you can, get a noise cancelling pair! Reducing outside noise means that the inside noise doesn’t have to be as loud.

        1. Hazel*

          Also you won’t hear weird airplane noises that might cause you to worry. I’m not usually a nervous flier, but those noises do make me nervous.

    2. Not A Manager*

      Headphones, music, audio books. Comfy clothes. I like to wear over the counter mild compression socks, because then my feet fit back into my shoes at the end of the flight. I wear another pair of heavy socks over those to keep warm. Exercise is good – walk around the aisles, do some mild stretching or isometric exercises near the galleys. If you have comfort snacks, bring those. I like to bring some games like crosswords or sudoku. If you craft, bring your hand work. I’m big on hot drinks, so I bring a small thermos on the flight and then I can get hot water from the attendants and not keep bugging them for more.

      Basically, anything that’s portable that soothes you and brings you comfort at home, try to recreate that on the flight.

    3. Princess Xena*

      Some other things you could try:

      -chewing gum: our brains sometimes get let freaked out when we eat or drink, or feel like we’re eating or drinking.
      – something with a soothing scent: nothing too strong, because that gets obnoxious in a closed space, but a hand cream with a hint of mint is something I like on a plane

      Good luck, and let us know how your trip goes!

    4. Felis alwayshungryis*

      Another strategy you could try is reading ‘Ask The Pilot’ – it’s a blog that’s pretty much an aviation version of this site. I find it really helpful to know more about how things work – ‘what’s that funny sound? Oh yeah, it’s those hydraulics they use on ascent I read about’. I feel like if I’m educated I can reassure myself with more authority. Good luck – flying is such a weird thing that evolution just hasn’t equipped us for!

      Sidenote: a great way to alleviate jet lag if it’s a big time difference is to change your watch to destination time when you board, and start acclimatising during the flight – try and sleep when it’s their nighttime and do your best to stay awake during their day. I’ve done a lot of international flying and it works well for me.

      1. Alexis Rosay*

        Seconding this idea–there’s actually a book version of the blog that I keep on my kindle solely to read when I get nervous while flying, and it really helps.

    5. Hola Playa*

      Flights over oceans and remote places may not have internet for a couple of hours until the plane is in range again, so if your flight might have a path like that, prep activities or have downloaded stuff for that time so you aren’t caught offguard.

    6. Falling Diphthong*

      If you have noise cancelling headphones–I’ve borrowed my husband’s and daughters and it is such a difference in background noise levels, which can be agitating. I don’t fly often enough to have justified getting my own pair yet.

    7. Crimson*

      Ask your doctor about medication. They’ll be aware of what you’re already taking and prescribe with that in mind.

    8. Mephyle*

      This is what works for me. I have previously downloaded and have ready on my device some audio tracks that help me relax; you can find whatever works for you – for me it’s guided meditation, and/or ASMR, and/or an audiobook that I enjoy and have listened to before (the reason it’s a re-listen and not a new story is so that I don’t focus on staying alert to see what happens next). I put my chosen track on repeat, or make a playlist as long as the flight, and listen with noise-cancelling earphones.
      Get comfortable, close your eyes and listen. For me, I let myself sleep (I know this doesn’t work for everyone) and if I can’t fall asleep, I try to mimic sleep – eyes closed, muscles relaxed, breathing relaxed.

    9. Whynot*

      Do you knit or crochet, or do you have an interest in learning? That fits the criteria of engaging both hands and brain, and as an added bonus, by the end of the trip you’ll have a scarf (or a hat or socks or whatever).

      1. Tulips are here!*

        Thanks! Yes, I do crochet, but I tend to avoid bringing it on planes so my needles don’t get confiscated. Though I think crochet/knitting needles are allowed now under TSA rules? Not sure about other countries’ airlines…regardless, I will investigate!

        1. Salymander*

          I knit when I fly, and have never had any needles confiscated. If you knit socks and use short, double pointed needles your project will look less scary and weapon like. Wooden or plastic needles are not as intimidating as metal. Needles connected by a cable for knitting in the round work well, too.

    10. PastorJen*

      I used to be terrified of flying and now I love it, which is not something I ever thought I’d say! There are lots of good resources at fearofflying.com, which is a website and fear of flying program that is run by a retired commercial airline pilot who has a degree in psychology. I did that program fully online years ago and it was a game changer. I highly recommend it (and no, I don’t have any sort of financial interest in the program or anything, I’m just a happy former client!)

    11. Veronica Marx*

      I have no idea if you like video games, but I like to load my iPad/Switch Lite with games that I enjoy playing on flights. Things that have kept me occupied during travel: Stardew Valley, Donut County, Mini Metro, Monument Valley. These are lowkey, oftentimes pretty, soothing games and most have a puzzle element. It keeps my mind and hands busy.

      1. Lilith*

        I’ve always taken a knitting project on flights. Never had anything confiscated and I knit with circular needles. Crochet hooks should be fine.

    12. VegetarianRaccoon*

      I’ve become a very nervous flier as an adult. In addition to the good suggestions people have already made, I have one of those neck pillow things that’s extra supportive and ‘tall.’ It reaches like halfway up my ears if I scrunch down into it a little. Both easier to fall asleep/zone out in it, and even when I’m not sleepy I’ll kind of use it to insulate myself from the outer world a little more (if you don’t have the big headphones on).
      I keep some sort of small fidget in my pocket to fuss with when I’ve just got a moment or two, or I can’t concentrate on activities. Ok, actually I had two for my last trip, one was a large plastic decorative button that had popped off my wallet and I just left it in my coat pocket, and turning it over in my fingers sort of distracted me. The other was a little plastic pea pod that you could squeeze and the peas would kind of peek out. And a flight attendant gave me a St. Christopher’s medal, like a large decorative coin. I’m not Catholic but it worked well as a fidget turning it around in the fingers of one hand.
      I once had to be let off the plane because I was too panicked. Other times I’ve cried through takeoff. If you’re approaching as bad at flying as I am, give the attendants a heads-up at boarding. That’s what they told me would be good in the future, and I’ve done that and they’re very supportive and that way they know I’m not having a medical problem. If you do get a panic attack, a cold wet cloth (or paper towels) on your forehead is surprisingly helpful.

  10. Jackalope*

    Book thread: what is everyone reading this week? Any recommendations or requests for recommendations?

    1. Margali*

      I just finished John Sandford’s start to a new series, The Investigator. Good if you want rock ’em sock ’em action. If you like cozy mysteries, my book club just finished Mia P. Manansala’s Arsenic and Adobo and we all really liked it.

    2. Princess Xena*

      The Innkeeper series by Ilona Andrews. Urban fantasy romances. The main character is an innkeeper – but her guests are aliens and vampires, using earth as an interstellar stopover point. Surprisingly low on the intense romance scenes and quite funny.

    3. Jackalope*

      I didn’t have time to post earlier, but I reread the Raven Daughter trilogy by A.D. Trosper this week and really loved it. For anyone who enjoys fantasy novels (I suspect it would be considered YA fantasy but I’m not certain), this series was a lot of fun. For those who read fantasy, one of the tropes that the author overturned (common in YA fantasy & possibly adult fantasy as well) is the hero(ine) who tries to fit into society, doesn’t manage it, and finally in the last book realizes that they need to go their own way. In this one the main character tried for a bit, & by the end of the first book decided that this wasn’t working for her at all & found a different option that did. It was refreshing not to have that be the point of the books. And the author started with some cliched ideas and then did fun things with them. Plus, this is a minor thing, but the description of pregnancy was much more accurate than what you usually come across in fiction, & I loved it.

    4. AcademiaNut*

      Read the new P.C. Grant book by Aaranovitch (Amongst Our Weapons) which was a fun read. Also Unlocked by John Scalzi, which I was sure when reading it had been written in 2021, but actually had been written in 2014 (it’s about a global pandemic).

    5. allathian*

      I’m currently reading Arms & the Women, a Dalziel & Pascoe book by Reginald Hill. I’m still mainly re-reading rather than reading new stuff…

    6. A.N. O'Nyme*

      Still plugging along with the Canzoniere . Haven’t had much time to read this week so I’m not quite as far as I had expected (currently on RVF 73), but I’m liking it so far. Also due to the footnotes being 19th century, the editor does step in every once in a while when Leopardi either didn’t comment on something the editor felt needed a comment or when Leopardi mentioned something vaguely like “the Pope” the editor steps in to clarify which pope he means, which is nice.

    7. Seeking Second Childhood, CTA*

      I hit library gold this week! Kaizu Preservation Society by John Scalzi– it’s fun. (It’s the first book I have encountered to be set during covid, but it is not a plague novel.)
      Every Heart a Doorway by Seanan McGuire. I’m going to send you to the internet to read about this one comma because it’s complicated and beautiful.
      Add both books to any LGBTQ+ reading lists you may maintain btw.
      And I reread The Eyre Affair by Jasper Fforde… even more satisfying after having read Jane Eyre at last.
      Next up is something picked on the basis of a Locus Magazine review: “Battle of the Linguist Mages” by Scotto Moore. I’ll report back next week.

      1. Stitch*

        I was four novellas into the Wayward Children series and they suddenly disappeared from Libby for both libraries I use.

    8. The OG Sleepless*

      I read “Artemis” by Andy Weir this week after somebody here recommended it. I’d had it sitting around for awhile and finally got around to it. It was really enjoyable! The protagonist reminded me a great deal of Kinsey Milhone.

      1. allathian*

        Ooh, thanks for the rec! I’ll have to look into that. I really enjoyed The Martian, but I haven’t read anything else by Weir yet. I really enjoyed the first 20 or so Kinsey Millhone books, but sadly the quality dropped a lot in the last few and I never finished reading Y is for Yesterday, and it takes a lot for me to abandon a book half way through. That said, I’m a bit sad that she never completed Z is for… I gues I’m something of a completist.

    9. Teapot Translator*

      I’m reading Girl Waits With Gun by Amy Stewart. I’m enjoying it!

      1. PhyllisB*

        Loved Girl Waits With Gun!! If you’re enjoying that, you are in for a real treat, because there’s 7 books in the series.

    10. Stitch*

      I had travel this week so I read a lot. I read just about everything but have been trying to read some more lighthearted stuff recently, hence a dip into romance novels.

      Cloud Cuckoo Land – I liked this. The multi year setting was very interesting.
      The Power (Naomi Alderman) – I enjoyed this one.
      The Ex Hex – I found this one frustrating. The setting was good but the main romance was uninteresting and the problem resolved absurdly easily.
      Beach Read – I liked this one.

      2. Stoppin' by to chat*

        If you liked Emily Henry (Beach Read), I highly recommend their other book “People you meet on vacation” Loved that one!

    11. Detective Rosa Diaz*

      I am doing Dracula Daily, an email service which sends you bits of the classic novel Dracula on the actual dates of its various journal entries and newspaper articles. It just started and runs May-Nov.
      Right now my good friend Jonathan has arrived at his pal the count’s house but hoo boy are these peasants superstitious!

      1. curly sue*

        We’re doing that here! I get the emails and read them to the family in the evenings. It’s been a real hoot watching eldest (15)’s reactions, as she’s never read the book before. She’s firmly decided that Jonathan belongs in the idiot box, which led to a really fun discussion on whether you can blame someone for not being genre-savvy when the book he was in helped invent the genre.

      2. Elizabeth West*

        Dracula is a perfect book for that kind of thing, with the journal entries, etc.

      3. beep beep*

        I’m also doing Dracula Daily! I’ve never read it before and thought it’d be fun. My Tumblr community seems to have really latched onto it, too, so I’m seeing fanart and memes for this 100+ year old book and it’s amazing.

        1. VegetarianRaccoon*

          Maybe we just inhabit the same kind of circles, but I think ALL of tumblr might be on a Drac kick! I’m loving the memes despite never having read more than a few passages out of Dracula. I’m wondering if I should still sign up. I missed the first two days and for some reason went “oh well, too late now.”

      4. Littorally*

        I’m also doing this! It’s been…. decades, I’m pretty sure, since I read Dracula last, and this seems like a fun way to revisit it. Since it’s going strictly chronologically, some things are going to be in a different order from the way the book is laid out, which could be interesting.

    12. Meh*

      I read the Detective Lavender series this week (I has read the first novel several years ago and forgot)

      I started a new series -Edinburgh Dawn,Dusk, Midnight- and can’t quite bring myself to like the protagonist (and most of the supporting characters). I think the author tried to make him/them human and flawed. But maybe too much?

      I read The Raven Spell as an Amazon prime first free read and liked it so much I pre ordered the sequel.

      I’m trying to listen to books as I work – I do craft type stuff – so any Kindle Unlimited with free audio suggestions are welcomed!

    13. Falling Diphthong*

      The Betel Nut Tree Mystery by Ovidia Yu. Second in a series; Chen Su Lin is now working for the police, ostensibly as a secretary to the chief inspector though in practice more of an apprentice. Strong sense of place in 1930s Singapore.

    14. Writer Claire*

      I just finished re-reading The Lotus Palace by Jeannie Lin. It’s the first book in her Pingkang Li Mystery series, and it’s a lovely combination of romance and mystery. I’m also reading the non-fiction book Dead Mountain by Donnie Eichar, about the Dyatlov Pass Incident in 1959.

    15. GoryDetails*

      Most recently:

      ZOM 100: BUCKET LIST OF THE DEAD – a manga that opens with a young salaryman (office worker in Japan) who’s utterly burned out after three years in a toxic, demanding workplace – to the point where the onset of a zombie apocalypse leaves him reeling in joy because he doesn’t have to go in to work anymore!

      THE TEST by Sylvain Neuvel: a harrowing short novel set in a near-future where applicants for citizenship must take a written test – that turns out to be something much more grim. Really fascinating (and wrenching) layers here.

      THE DOLL by Daphne du Maurier: a collection of her earliest stories – and very good they are, with dark humor, psychological twists, and marvelous (if often unsettling) scene setting.

      SAMURAI WILLIAM by Giles Martin: nonfiction about the English navigator who, as one of the few surviving crew members on a Dutch trading ship, was the first Englishman to reach Japan. His adventures there inspired James Clavell’s “Shogun”, and his real story is quite fascinating.

    16. CTT*

      I finished “Dead Lions” this week, which is the second book in the Slough House/Slow Horses series that Apple TV+ adapted. I have this weird relationship with these books where I know I will keep reading them even though I cannot stand the execution. There’s a lot of “Character we are following internally acknowledges that they are lying about something but we are not let in on what the lie is” or “Characters have an intentionally vague conversation so the reader doesn’t know what’s happening, even though they are in cahoots together and would actually talk about it explicitly.” I just think it’s a really lazy way to build suspense. But I love the idea of the books so much and they make for a good “I don’t know what I’m in the mood to read” choice that I’m just going to keep trucking along with them in the hopes that the writing catches up to the premise.

      1. Retired Accountant*

        Yeah, I thought Slow Horses was really hard to follow, and Dead Lions is starting off the same. Lots of extremely abrupt point of view and location changes, and things happening off-page that were alluded to before being revealed much later. Like you I want to like the series. I put Dead Lions down for a while and probably will have to start over.

    17. Another_scientist*

      I recently finished Humankind by Rutger Bregman. It’s half pop-sci, half philosophy, arguing why humans are fundamentally good creatures. Nice these days to dive into a thoroughly optimistic view of the world.

      1. RosyGlasses*

        Sounds similar to The Humans by Matt Krieg (same author as the midnight library but I’m away from home and too lazy to Google :-) ). Excellent sci fi type book that comes to the conclusion that humanity isn’t so bad after all.

    18. Texan In Exile*

      I started “Alpha Girls” by Julian Guthrie last night and it was so validating (and horribly depressing) to see that in the 80s and 90s, other women were also going through the same sexual harassment that my friends and I were going through.

      I also started “Sway: Unraveling Unconscious Bias” by Pragya Agarwal. It’s a bit academic, but very interesting.

      Books that have made me even more angry about how women are treated in our culture:

      The Shame Machine, Cathy O’Neil (Weapons of Math Destruction is also excellent)
      The Authority Gap, Mary Ann Sieghart
      Sex Matters, Alyson McGregor
      Pay Up, Reshma Saujani
      The Pain Gap, Anushay Hossain

      And finally, some fiction
      The Husbands, Chandler Baker (and The Whisper Network)(Both of these should probably be in the list “Books that make me angry”)
      Rizzo, Denise Mina (all her books are excellent)
      The Love Story of Missy Carmichael, Beth Morrey
      The unlikely pilgrimage of Harold Fry, Rachel Joyce

    20. Constance Lloyd*

      I started reading The Man Who Hated Women, which is about the Comstock Act, given current events and am… deeply regretting it, given current events. So we’re switching to the Bridgerton books.

    21. LNLN*

      Just finished listening to the book Where the World Ends by Geraldine McCaughrean. Fascinating story (based on a true event) and beautifully written. Highly recommend!

    23. Person from the Resume*

      Ten Steps to Nanette by Hannah Gadsby was just published, and it’s great. Fortunately no more of a description of her trauma than was in Nanette comedy show. It’s kind of an autobiography up to her very early 20s and then a description of her creative process in creating Nanette, the comedy show where she said was quitting stand-up comedy and became well known internationally and everyone was talking about the show.

      She’s been writing this book for a longtime. It’s been on my Goodreads to read list for several years. It was worth the wait.

      1. Person from the Resume*

        Of course as soon as I finished the book I rewatched Nanette and her second Netflix comedy show Douglas.

        And I’m rereading The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo for book club in a week and a half. I’d forgotten / not noticed how much of the early part of the book is about Monique the person Evelyn is telling her story to. But it interesting to reread with what details I remember coloring my perspective on what Evelyn has told so far.

    24. Bluebell*

      I just finished Lessons in Chemistry by Bonnie Garmus, which was so good I had to email Alison. Strong female protagonist, great secondary characters, and it deals with women’s roles in the 60s. Lots of funny parts, but it also deals with some very serious issues. Now I’m reading The Candy House by Jennifer Egan, and it’s a challenge. Some narrators are really interesting, but others I don’t care about at all.

    26. Fellow Traveller*

      I just finished Dial A For Aunties which was ridiculous but so much fun.
      Also read Matrix which was … fine, I guess. I did enjoy much of it but I don’t understand all the hype about the book. I liked all the details of the time period but I thought the story/plot was kind of slow. Happy to have someone explain what I’m missing here.
      Right now I’m reading The Menopause Manifesto (because entering my forties and want to know what I’m in for) and just also started The Firekeeper’s Daughter.

    27. Puffle*

      I finished the Daevabad Trilogy this week, and I have a serious book hangover now- it’s such a good series! I have River of Silver on my list now, but does anyone have any recs for similar series? In particular fantasy works set in/ influenced by Islamic culture

      I’m currently also reading Lost Languages by Andrew Robinson, which is about ancient scripts (like Etruscan and Meroitic) and the work done to translate/ understand them, and Reading Lolita in Tehran by Azar Nafisi

      1. allathian*

        Oooh, Lost Languages sounds fascinating. Andrew Robinson’s also written Cracking the Egyptian Code: The Revolutionary Life of Jean-François Champollion. Champollion decoded the Egyptian hieroglyps on the Rosetta Stone and basically founded the science of Egyptology.

        1. Retired Accountant*

          The Code Book by Simon Singh is a very readable book about codes and code breaking. It’s more of a survey, for someone who would enjoy a chapter or so in the topics above, as well as the Nazi Enigma machine, the Navajo Code Talkers, Mary Queen of Scots and more. I thought it was very well done.

    28. E. Chauvelin*

      I’m about halfway through an advance copy of The Daughter of Doctor Moreau by Silvia Moreno-Garcia and enjoying it so far.

      1. Dark Macadamia*

        Knowing nothing but the title and author, this is heading straight for my to-read list!

    29. Foreign Octopus*

      I finished Inkspell, by Cornelia Funke today, which is the second in the Inkworld trilogy. It’s meant to be a children’s book – maybe early teens – and I only picked it up because of the gorgeous cover art but I’m really, really enjoying the story. It’s just good fun with an engaging plot, interesting characters, and plenty of love of books in it so I’m excited for the final book later this month.

      I’ve moved onto Too Like the Lightning, by Ada Palmer, which is also part of a trilogy (I think). I haven’t actually cracked it open yet but my brother got it for Christmas for me a couple of years ago and I’m looking forward to delving into it tomorrow.

    31. Dark Macadamia*

      I’m listening to “She Who Became the Sun” on audiobook and it’s… fine. It alternates between several perspectives and while some of them are AMAZING others are so boring to me! If I were reading in print there would be a lot of skimming but I hate to potentially miss something important by skipping ahead in audio.

    32. Ali + Nino*

      Just finished The School for Good Mothers by Jessamine Chan – excellent but disturbing, especially since I’m a mom with a daughter the same age as the protagonist’s.
      Just started American Baby by Gabrielle Glaser – about homes for unwed mothers and the adoption process in the US. If you saw the documentary Three Perfect Strangers, This book focuses on the same agency that arranged those adoptions.
      I guess I’m on a maternal literary kick!

    34. VegetarianRaccoon*

      Shoutout to whoever recommended The Heretic Queen in last week’s thread, I got it from the library and really enjoyed it!

  11. Ginger Pet Lady*

    It’s getting warm here and that means pasta salad for lunches! I like to mix and match with things to throw in with the pasta and dressing and not use a recipe. What are your favorite things to put in a pasta salad?
    Mine are:
    Olives of all kinds
    Capers
    Roasted red peppers
    Thawed frozen peas
    Roasted broccoli
    Grated carrots
    English cucumbers
    Artichoke hearts
    Halved or quartered cherry/grape tomatoes
    Various cheeses, diced or shredded Perennial favorites are feta and pearl mozzarella.
    (not all at once, that’s just the list I draw from)
    Share your favorite pasta salad add-in!
    I’ll take full recipes, too, but I can’t promise I’ll follow them!

    1. Teatime is Goodtime*

      If you like beets, roasted beets of any kind are delightful. I roast them and let them cool, or use leftovers. Red ones color the pasta, of course, which looks funny.

      Actually, saying that: any leftover roasted veggies work great. I’m thinking of the asparagus in the fridge at the moment, for example.

      Also: if you can splurge, my favorite cucumbers to add are actually the little Persian ones (or at least that’s how they are labelled here, I am not in the US). They are more expensive but so so good in taste and texture for pasta salads.

    2. Gingerblue*

      Now you’ve made me want pasta salad! I haven’t made it in ages. I’m very fond of classic macaroni and tuna salad, but if I were experimenting with ingredients, I might try edamame, bacon, hard boiled eggs, and chives. (Also not all at once!)

    3. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      Pesto makes a good base for pasta salad. I like to add arugula and sundried tomatoes or roasted red peppers.

    5. Formerly in HR*

      I came up with a ‘recipe’ by trying to make a real recipe last longer and feel more filling. The actual recipe is to saute some garlic cloves sliced thinly, then add thinly sliced zucchini (2-3) and 1 cup corn. Salt, pepper, oregano etc. Stir and cook until slightly browned. If using as is, juice 1/2 lemon over and sprinkle grated Parmesan. Otherwise, add to a bowl and mix with cooked small pasta (cassarecce usually), olives, pine nuts, maybe some chopped artichoke hearts, sundried tomatoes, capers. EVOO and season to taste.

    6. Monty & Millie's Mom*

      I like throwing in some mini pepperoni, too, in addition to what everyone else has recommended!

      1. B*

        Nuts! Peanuts and a soy sauce citrus Sriracha dressing. Apple chunks and pecans with a maple syrup apple cider vinegar walnut oil dressing.

    7. RC+Rascal*

      diced salami or pepperoni is good with onion, grape tomatoes, olives, and pearl mozzarella.

    8. Cartographical*

      I like to add protein to mine sometimes, whatever ever is on hand, really. I adjust the other ingredients accordingly. I think my favourite is leftover grilled chicken breast or smoked ham. Sweet corn makes a regular appearance; if it’s cut from the cob, I usually grill it first. Marinated/grilled eggplant cut into strips is also good. We love red onion in everything, or Vidalia onion. I use kale sometimes, shredded and sauteed in olive oil with garlic first. I alternate pasta salad with quinoa salad or rice salad (with a blend of brown/red/wild rice) every weekend.

    9. Dancing Otter*

      Has anyone mentioned raw spinach, torn up?
      Chopped celery
      Almonds, especially slivered or sliced, toasted or not
      Broccoli florets, raw. Cauliflower tastes and crunches OK, but visually meh
      Cubed leftover meat such as ham, chicken or turkey. Leftover ground beef was not a success. Veggie crumbles (such as Boca) work better.
      Multicolored veggie pasta instead of plain

  12. Bibliovore*

    The bathroom renovation.
    So all the faucets in this house are single handles.
    The designer is recommending two handle faucet fixture from Delta.
    I went to the Ferguson showroom. Most of the display ones are two handle .
    I googled.
    Does anyone know why most of the sink fixtures are two handle ones.
    I think because of my weak hands I would prefer the single handle ones but there aren’t that many to choose from.
    Am I missing something?
    My style is modern/Japanese /Swedish.
    I have been looking at Delta, Moen and some Kohler.
    I need the sink set up, the shower trim ( which is the shower head and the handles and a separate sprayer) and the tub filler and handles.
    Thoughts?
    Recommendations?

    1. Squidhead*

      2 handle sinks seem traditional in bathrooms…I don’t know why! Your designer might not love it, but many kitchen faucets are single-handle. We have one on a bar sink by Delta with the blender handle mounted on the side of the faucet so it just takes up a single hole. It has a tall curved neck so maybe it would be in the way of brushing teeth/face washing? But it’s easy to control the flow volume and the temperature. We also have a 3-hole style one where the blender handle is in its own hole. It’s harder to control and repeat the temperature with that one because the flow is only “off” when the handle is in the center-down position, so you have to re-mix the temperature every time. TLDR: check the kitchen section? If you’re determined to have everything match, this might be too difficult because there aren’t matching tub fixtures, but you’ll be the one using it!

      1. Pucci*

        I think they are traditionally 2 handle because they were originally two separate taps, one for hot and one for cold. Water was mixed in the sink bowl, where you then used it to wash your face, shave, etc. People would have been used to washing from a bowl of water from the pre-running water bowl and pitcher set ups.

    2. RagingADHD*

      IIRC, the selling point for single handles was supposed to be that you can control the water temperature more precisely / smoothly. But ultimately, it’s just a fashion trend as to what is popular.

      Practically, is the bathroom sink designed for 2 handles, or are you replacing it?

      1. Person from the Resume*

        A single handle to control water temperature better strikes me as more modern technology so I’m not sure why two handle faucets (old technology) are at all fashion trend.

        3. Observer*

          It’s not just a fashion trend. Some times it really is easier to deal with the two streams.

          For instance, I found that with the 2 handles, I could teach the little kids to always turn on the cold water first. You wind up with less chance that they will accidentally make the water too hot.

          One thing that always makes me scratch my head is the claim that one handle give greater control over the water temperature. I’ve never found that to be the case over all. With both types of set up a lot depends on other factors in the design.

    3. Seeking Second Childhood, CTA*

      All I have to contribute is that my kitchen faucet’s handle has a problem to avoid. If you turn off the faucet with wet hands, water funnels down the handle onto the counter behind the fixture. It’s a lot of water too, so definite hard-water buildup & potential moisture problems.

    4. Red Sky*

      Single handle is a hill I’m willing to die on. I really dislike two handle faucets and refuse to have another in any area of my home, they’re inefficient what with having to go back and forth adjusting each tap to get your desired water temp, especially if your hands are dirty and now you have two handles to clean. Unless your designer can offer a really compelling reason beyond aesthetics, I’d stick with single handle.

      1. Another_scientist*

        I am also team single lever, especially if it’s the kind you can open and close with your elbow, which helps when you have your hands full, or you are trying to prevent the spread of something (like pink eye).

        1. Texan In Exile*

          My friends have one that is light controlled! You just wave at it and it turns on and off, making it so nice for washing your hands when you have been handling meat or cleaning the cat box.

          1. RosyGlasses*

            We are renting a home that has this too! Initially I hated it but now I am team auto-on/off. Although if the cat is on the counter or the washcloth falls in front there are times the water will “ghost” on and that has been fun! :)

    5. Sundial*

      I prefer double handles because they are easy to push around with gunk on your hands, like if you’re using facial cleanser or coming in from dirty outside work. Most of the single handle ones require a firm grasp, so you can’t shove them with a wrist or a closed fist.

      1. Squidhead*

        Ooh, I should clarify: the single handle faucets in my kitchen are lever-shaped, not round knobs. I can push them with the side of my hand/wrist, especially the “side-mount” style. I did grow up with a round plastic faceted single-handle bathroom faucet (circa 1970, probably?) and that knob required more of a grip.

    6. Bluebell*

      If you have weak hands, maybe you can find a bathroom faucet option with a motion sensor? When we redid our kitchen three years ago, I spent the extra hundred dollars for a Moen with motion sensor. It’s awesome! It has made things so much easier for me, and now it’s funny that when I go to other kitchens, I forget you have to turn on the tap. It’s particularly great when your hands are dirty, and you don’t want to get the faucet handle dirty.

    7. grocery store pootler*

      We used to have two handle bathroom faucets, but switched to one-handled ones (on the same sinks we had before), because that’s what we prefer. We love the one-handled faucets, would never go back. I think ours are Delta, possibly a model used in public restrooms (they seem to be quite durable). Ours look a lot like this:
      https://www.deltafaucet.com/bathroom/product/B510LF.html

      1. Idyllic Gulag*

        Also a fan of single-handled faucets, and replaced all our residential grade 2-handle fixtures with commercial grade single handle. The quality of commercial fixtures is typically worlds better than standard big box hardware store model. I looked for all brass internals and easily repairable, as opposed to the plastic, disposable ones usually found at your local chain hardware store. You won’t find the range of styles and finishes, but since my tastes are on the function-over-form end of the spectrum, it worked for me.

    8. Rekha3.14*

      Our bathrooms have single handle, the sinks and shower. Bathtub has two, but also came with a separate spray faucet thing, too. The fittings are from Riobel and so far we really like them.

    9. pancakes*

      Ikea has a few single handle faucets that might be worth a look, but yes, motion sensor activated is worth a look too if you have weak hands. When I did a quick search just now I got a lot of options from Grohe, Lowe’s, Mohen, Kohler, etc. The site AllModern might be worth a look.

    10. ImOnlyHereForThePoetry*

      We recently re-did a bathroom and got one handle faucets. If you have a hard time finding them in stores, you can easily order them online or through your plumbers.

    11. Mari*

      I know someone who works at Delta and they definitely have a number of single-handle bathroom sink faucets. We have some in our bathroom right now :) You can browse their website, just click on bathroom -> sink faucets and there is a filter you can choose “single hole”. They have some nice touch activated ones too if you like being able to keep it at a consistent temperature.

    12. Chaordic One*

      IMHO double-handle faucets tend to be a bit more durable and you can go for longer periods of time without having to replace the washers or even the whole faucet. I’ve also found that, over time, a number of the single-handle faucets can become a difficult to use and require as much physical force to operate as any double-handle faucet.

    13. Surrogate Tongue Pop*

      Holy crap, are you me? Team single handle. Just moved into new construction. Single handle in guest bathroom and half bath. Double handle in primary bath. I do not like, nor do I understand. Ugh.

    14. Observer*

      The designer is recommending two handle faucet fixture from Delta.

      Delta makes some good fixtures. Is it possible that the designer is looking for Delta rather than two handle?

      I think because of my weak hands I would prefer the single handle ones but there aren’t that many to choose from.

      Why would that matter? If it’s a matter of knobs vs lever style handles, you can get that in 2 handle versions as well.

      I’m not trying to say that two handle is necessarily better, just that it’s worth making sure you really understand the issues and communicating with your designer about them. It’s also worth just asking your designer why they are specifically recommending 2 handle fixtures. Keep in mind that even aside from the accessibility issues, you are entitled to just not like the look or something as “trivial” as that.

      Really, talk to your designer. You are paying for a service, and part of what you are paying for is to be able to insure that your new set up meets *your* needs, not a general “bathroom for the so called average person who doesn’t actually exist.”

  13. Strawberry*

    Note for mention of weight loss and body size

    Tl;dr – My body size is changing and I have no idea how to dress it anymore. Those of you who have been through the same, please share your advice!

    Longer version: I’ve lost a few pounds and my clothes are getting loose. This is great news because it means my efforts are paying off, but I’m now wearing things that are 1 size bigger and slipping off me. I still have a way to go though and I am not sure what size I’ll end up as. How do I dress myself in this interim period without spending a bunch of money? I don’t see my style changing right now so looking for help with the practical aspect of this. I’m also kinda worried at the back of my mind that I’ll put the weight back on and then I’ll feel bad about giving away my pieces from my current wardrobe, which I’ve collected and maintained over years. Any advice is appreciated :)

    P.S. I’m starting from a US size 12 so availability of clothes is mostly not a problem. I live and earn in a developing country so even something like Zara, while fast fashion, is expensive in local currency. Thrift stores here are pretty hit or miss. However tailoring is quite inexpensive – maybe that’s the way to go?

    1. StudentA*

      If it’s only one size, maybe those pregnancy/weight gain pants extenders will work? Otherwise, I would try safety pins in a pinch. And of course, belts and scarves. But yeah, I think tailoring might be cheaper and frankly more sustainable than shopping for new clothes, but I’d wait until you’re finished losing weight.

    2. matcha123*

      If tailoring is inexpensive, that would be my first suggestion. Maybe try two shirts and two pairs of pants or skirts to test the quality and fit then slowly move on with other pieces.

      If you don’t have recommendations, you may want to try a few different places to see how your pieces turn out before settling on one place. Or there may be a place that’s great with certain types of clothing and meh with others.

      Aside from tailoring, perhaps get a bit creative with belts and rolling up sleeves/pant legs?
      Fashion these days seems like late80s-mid-90s everything goes. If you had a T-shirt that was now a bit large, you could tuck it into your pants, roll up the sleeves a bit, use a belt if your pants are a bit loose, and rock that 90s vibe? That may or may not work for work, but pairing with a more fitted jacket could also allow you to cover some of the parts that don’t fit as well?

      My first step, if I were you, would be to pull out a few items and try them on in front of a mirror. Experiment with different ways of rolling or tying things. Also do a bit of window shopping and people watching. Oversized clothing is having a bit of a moment, I think. Fashion seems all over these days.

    3. DistantAudacity*

      Maybe also invest in one new bra in an interim size at a suitable point, depending on your chest situation. Badly fitting bras are very demoralizing, and cup sizes are not so easy to tailor!

    4. GermanGirl*

      I went from size 10 to 6 and mostly made do with tayloring the pants myself. I did it in such a way that I could have just taken the stitches back out if I’d gain the weight back, but that’s obviously not the prettiest way to do it.

      1. GermanGirl*

        Basically, for slacks and other light pants and pant skirts, you fold the side seams inwards to create a new side seam.

        If you have a sewing machine (or even by hand), the easiest way to do it is to turn the whole pant inside out and just go with a simple straight stitch in a diagonal from 1-2 cm inside of the original side seam on the waistband to the original side seam about 20 cm below.

        Then try whether you like to fold the excess fabric forward or backward and fix it there with a few invisible stitches from the inside.

        This is easy to do and easy to take back out, but a real seamstress will do it differently and depending on the fit of the pants and how you changed shape might do it in different places as well.

    5. LGC*

      Honestly, yeah – if tailoring is inexpensive, then that might be the best start for now. It might not hold up for bigger drops, but if you’re just down one size that’s probably the best option.

    6. Falling Diphthong*

      If you have inexpensive tailoring I’d start there–scale your current pieces down a size.

      I get the magical thinking of so long as you preserve a wardrobe of size 12 pieces then your body will stay a size 8, but give those away and the pounds immediately pile back–but try to recognize it as magical.

    7. Turtle Dove*

      I’m in the same boat. Fortunately I kept a lot of smaller clothes from back when I weighed less, and just the other day I tried on some of those. It was rewarding to find plenty that fit and flatter me again.

      As for favorite items that I can’t bear to part with that are now too big, I plan to tailor them myself. Do you sew at all? If so, it may be straightforward to take them in yourself, although I may be wrong about tricky areas like shoulder seams. And I have a love-hate relationship with sewing, so I may never actually follow through.

      If you’re not a sewer, I’d probably take a few items to a tailor for an estimate and go ahead if the price is right. And I’d visit thrift and resale shops (including online places like ThredUp) and buy a few items in my new size. But I enjoy treasure hunting at those places, and not everyone does.

      As for keeping a backup wardrobe, I’m determined not to regain this lost weight. But for sure I’ll keep a few items that fit me well when I’m larger … just in case.

    8. Sundial*

      It depends on your shape, ill-fitting clothes for an apple need different tweaks than do ill-fitting clothes for a pear. I went from a 10 to a 2, and I’m a pear, so I lose first around my waist and last around my hips and rear.

      Belts got me pretty far, as did a wrap dress for special occasions. Once I started noticing that the waistline wasn’t the biggest problem anymore, then I shifted to a smaller size. I bought a few basics at Goodwill, like black dress slacks and a generically-nice blouse, and dressed very repetitively.

    9. Dragonfly7*

      If you are a dresses/skirts person, it seemed to me they could go through a two size loss before needing to be replaced when I lost weight several years ago. Dresses could be belted at the waist, and I wore a skirt that originally fit at the waist lower on my hips for a few weeks before it was too big. I ended up with a very small wardrobe and wore the dresses almost exclusively for a few months.
      Inexpensive tailoring sounds awesome. I would suggest meeting with someone to see how far various garments can be taken in before needing to be replaced. I’ve heard two sizes, but I would imagine that depends on the garment.
      I commiserate with wanting to hang on to larger or smaller garments just in case. I keep 2-3 of my very favorites but eventually give most away.

    10. HannahS*

      I’m in the year after pregnancy, so I hear you on the body in transition. In general, my approach is to maintain a small wardrobe of clothes that are stretchy!

      Types of clothes matter too; a pair of leggings and a knit dress will cross more sizes than dress pants and button-up shirt.

      I will say, though, that tailoring is almost always less expensive than buying new.

    11. Healthcare Worker*

      Recently I was in the similar situation and was amazed at how much better I felt when my clothes fit properly! I’ve been encouraged to continue on my weight loss program wearing well fitting clothes. For me, it was worth the investment. Tailoring is great for pants and skirts, a little trickier for tops but definitely start there as a good tailor can work wonders. I purchased clothes that easily mix to keep in my budget. Good luck!

    12. Observer*

      Tailoring is one way to go. Another thing that can work for certain pieces is elastic. Depending on the cut of the item, elastic in a waistband can make a huge difference while still looking neat and put together.

    13. DD*

      I went through a significant weight loss several years ago dropping many sizes over an 18 month period.

      Pants were the thing I bought most frequently when I was losing weight. Tops, skirts and dresses can be worn over a wider range of lbs than pants. An oversized shirt or cardigan works better than pants that are sagging in the butt.

      My work environment was business casual so I tried to have 3 pairs of wearable pants and a pair of jeans at any given time, I usually skipped a size when replacing so they went from snug in the beginning to fitting to baggy then replaced. Since I knew I had a lot of sizes to go I bought solid colors in washable fabrics with one of them being black. Talbots Outlet ended up being my go-to place for a lot of work pants since they carried both plus and regular sizes and I could usually find something under $50.

  14. Jackalope*

    I’m really wanting to avoid politics, so…. everyone reading this will know what I’m referring to but please let’s not go into the political discussion, just my actual question.

    For me, as I’m sure for many others on here, this past week has been incredibly difficult. I’m finding that my emotional reserves have become pretty tapped out over the past 2+ years, and I’m really struggling. While recognizing that this will continue to be difficult for awhile, what is everyone doing to cope? (This could be with The News from this past week, or from other stuff; it’s been a long couple of years, I’m sure you all have a range of awful options to choose from.) Anyone have any good ideas to deal with great existential dread, fear, and rage? How to keep living our lives? Thoughts?

    1. Some Ideas*

      These are some disjointed thoughts, hope some of it helps:

      I try to keep in mind, that a lot of it is ongoing, ex. Corona, and so are my emotions about it. We get a lot of messages about (any of the possible topics alluded to) how we “should get over it”. We do not work like that however. With a continuous event the emotional reactions will be continuous too and I try to adjust my actions accordingly. While xyz keeps going on I will need: additional time to rest, more time talking with/meeting with people, more patience with myself, to make space regularly for the grief and the fear but also, at best daily reminders that I am capable of affecting the world.

      A lot of this is so overwhelming, because the part we affect is rather small or sometimes non-existent. To not lose and/or create hope we need to remind ourselves that that is not true however. So I set some time aside to address some discomfort on purpose, no matter how small. Can I as a single person solve *gestures at all of this*? No. But I can be part of the solution and a first step can be doing something small, something attainable. Some days that means sorting through clutter for a couple of hours, some days it’s just wiping down a corner of the table or picking up a single tissue that has been lying around. The goal is to remind my brain repeatedly that I’m not frozen in place, nor that all the awfulness around us is immutable. Because it is not. I keep seeing news how a new way has been identified to clear microplastics from sewage, that efforts to address climate change are seeing more results sooner than expected, that all in all the work of many people in aggregate keeps paying of. I keep seeing news that locally a citizens initiative to address a detrimental environmental law has been successful after about 5 years of concentrated efforts. I will look for ways to address what I can together with others. There is a way through this. And if there isn’t a way (yet) we will create one. We are both less and more powerful than we think. So we need more care than most of us are likely affording ourselves right now (many of those limitations are real, I have them too) and can affect more than we think.

      For now maybe just take some time to look at a tree and see its leaves swaying in the wind. Or call the friend you wanted to call. Or cry until you feel somewhat more solid again (please hydrate). I’m looking forward to see more ideas.

      1. MigraineMonth*

        Such good advice, thank you!

        One thing I would add is that I’ve found learning history can be weirdly comforting. Humans have made it through terrifying and awful times, and even in the worst there have always been those fighting for justice and human decency.

    2. Princess Xena*

      My sympathies. It’s been a sucky few years.

      I tend to stay off the news in general. I don’t follow politics, fashion, court cases, etc beyond learning enough to be appropriately understanding of my fellow human beings. As rage inducing as a lot of it is, there’s very rarely I can do anything about it except continue being civil, kind, and supporting to those people around me.

      1. Hattie*

        I am really uncomfortable with settling for the idea that we can stop following politics and to just be civil and kind in a society that thinks they own your bodies. The time for civility has long past. Maybe you’re privileged enough to wrap yourself in the warm comfortable blanket of complacency during these times but not all of us are.

        1. Cdn Acct*

          Yes, it is hard to balance taking in the news and dealing with it in helpful ways instead of ignoring things that don’t directly affect me but are damaging to society/the world, and needing to not get overwhelmed with despair.

          1. Jackalope*

            Yeah, I struggle with this too. I don’t want to pretend that the world is fine but I can’t ignore it all. I’m trying to work on things like not engaging with the news on the weekends (my husband keeps I’m touch with it so if something really big happened I’d know) so I can get a bit of a break. But it’s hard.

        2. E. Chauvelin*

          Yes, it is an unfortunate fact that if I were to start ignoring politics, that would not lead to it ignoring me.

          1. Hattie*

            That’s exactly my point. There are these people who have the mindset of not believing in politics or activism but politics certainly believes in them. I have a really hard time believing I can say that I am being kind and supportive to the people around me while just ignoring the rise of Giliad from right beneath us.

        3. Napkin Thief*

          I believe you are well intentioned, but I’d like to ask that you not automatically equate measured detachment from news/politics with privilege or complacency. Not going to play oppression Olympics here, but some of us, with all our various intersecting vulnerable identities, are tired. Some of us are jaded beyond belief. Some of us hear a revival of fiery rhetoric and precious little evidence that the systems and institutions that perpetuate our oppression are any closer to being dismantled than they were 25, 50, 100, 400 years ago. As easily as you can accuse someone of having the privilege of complacency, you could also be accused of having the privilege of energy. Just as privilege can protect the ambivalent from a need to engage, it can protect the outraged from burnout. (Not saying that’s the case for you, but to illustrate that everyone’s calculus for their response is different)

          I can’t speak for Princess Xenia’s motivations, but as for myself, I’m in a season of preserving my hope and goodwill toward humanity by focusing on the people and areas I can have direct, immediate impact rather than burning myself out raging against the machine. Sometimes fighting for sanity and basic survival is fight enough.

          1. Classical Music Nerd*

            Thank you Napkin Thief. This is so lucid and helpful, passionate but measured, hopeful but human. It did me good.

          2. allathian*

            Yes, thank you. I was thinking the same thing, but you put it so eloquently.

        4. FuzzyCatz*

          I’m 100% in agreement with how disturbing our society is but just want to say I too need a break from the news. I really need time to process this before engaging in advocacy. I’m worried about what other human rights we will lose too. I just need some time to cope.

        5. IT Manager*

          My compromise is to read the news, not watch it. I do feel a duty to stay informed and involved but the emotional drain is much less in written words than (IMO) with the cable new banners and dramatic music and talking heads catastophizing.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      As others have said limit the amount of news you take in.

      Oddly, ramp up your self-care. A fortified body supports a fortified mind. Make sure you drink water daily.

      Learn about grief. Learn all the things we grieve and all the ways grief manifests. This will help with the questions of “why do I feel x?” or “why am I doing y?”.

      I am sure you are doing the “be kind” part and you probably even help others. Please add to this the knowledge that we send out a ripple. Every time we are kind, every time we help someone we send a message to society that this is what we all should be doing. And you will never, ever know how meaningful your gesture was to that person. Don’t skate by this stuff, don’t liken yourself to a drop in the ocean. What you do, what I do, what we all do adds up and matters.

      Take care of your surroundings. Keep your home safe and help any beings with you to remain safe as often as possible. I have a friend who refuses to fix her roof. This is scary to watch. Don’t let things fall apart around you, if you can avoid it.

      The next one may work or may not. I like to think of people who have gone through other things. It helps me to realize they were scared/angry/etc also. I have my father as a reference point. Born in 1920, to a poor family the next thing that hit was the Great Depression. Then there came WWII. His life did not truly stabilize until the late 1960s. He was 40 years old and never knew what I considered to be MY normal until he hit age 40. It took that long to dig out from under that mess.
      So I think about things that he did and I read things about what other people did to successfully pull themselves through Rotten Times.

      Last. And this one probably won’t be popular. It’s really easy to focus on what we do not have or what we have lost. Super easy. The tricky part is focusing on what we do have and what we CAN do. I remember a bleak time in my life where nothing was going that well. I realized I had some putty and points, I could point up and putty some of my crappy windows, maybe they would last a bit longer. I found some directions and followed the directions.
      It worked. My windows last through until a time when I could get new (modest) windows. Yeah, it was just windows, I get it. But how often we decide to make something work, in spite of the chaos around us, we can add to our quality of life. This is what courage looks like, we move forward in some manner when everything around us no longer makes that much sense. So some days I fixed windows and some days I just cried. Courage does not exist if there is no fear in place already. Sometimes to have a bit better day tomorrow, we need to sit and cry today. Then tomorrow we get up and go fix our windows or whatever.

      1. Princess Deviant*

        Your answers are always so thoughtful and sensitive (and helpful!). I’m not the OP but I appreciate this answer and I appreciate you.

        1. Anonymous cat*

          I agree! I look forward to NSNR’s advice.

          And on that note, can you share things he did to get through? Or any of the ones you read about that really resonated with you?

          I’m curious what someone in your father’s setting did to survive all those tough years.

          1. Not So NewReader*

            smh. That man was with me for 34 years of my life and I am still not sure how to answer your question.

            He did pick up an alcohol habit so I guess that was one of his negative coping mechanisms. But he also carried a huge desire to help others. I think that push to help someone else carried him through some of the rough spots, as it kind of helped to forget his own predicament. I know it upset him when he heard of someone being very selfish.

            He would throw himself into projects. I think he liked the mental gymnastics of working through something new and different. He knew how to handle all kinds of stuff. Years later my friends used to seek him out to talk about problems with their greenhouses or their porches or whatever. Sometimes just having something new to think on can be a tool to pull us through to next week or next month.

            I will say this, because of his family setting and because of the era he grew up in, he did not think of things as choices the way we do. For example: If he had a job and suddenly one day he was supposed to weld something, he never felt he had the option of saying he did not know how to weld. Pick up the welder and figure it out would be the solution- no other choices. I often wonder how often this happened to him because he would never explain how he learned to do this or that. I suspect it happened a lot. Overall, they had to collect a wide range of skills to make themselves employable and to just maintain their own homes and surroundings.

            I do attribute his passing at the early age of 72 as a by-product of his rough launch in life. Not much food at the start of life, once the food situation got better there still wasn’t much medical care and later on in life he had more huge life events in his personal life. He tried very hard to be upbeat but you could see he was working at maintaining a good attitude. It was a deliberate effort. Medical science is only starting to think about how much this stuff takes a toll on us and impacts our life span.

            We know more about foods and proper hydration than they did in that era. And we know more about cultivating and maintaining plants, animals and our bodies. We do have some advantages they did not have.

      2. Turtle Dove*

        Thank you for sharing your window example and reminding me about courage. Both strongly resonate with me.

    4. Falling Diphthong*

      I’ve scaled way back on following the news. (Combination of cancer + pandemic + ’20 election.) “Being informed” should be in service of your voting/protesting/donating etc effectively, not just to rage-scroll at the day’s headlines.

      I think the internet has warped some natural human socialization tendencies in bad ways, and wallowing in outrage/misery/impotency has become an order of magnitude easier to do.

    5. fposte*

      When it gets bad, I focus on the space I can see and can reach, and I try to do something that benefits space outside my own in some way, whether it’s picking up litter or making a donation. I do also nope out of conversations with friends who want to rehash; I get the impulse, but I don’t want to do it with them. People have found joy in much worse times than this and I think that’s okay.

    6. Texan In Exile*

      Another thing you can do is support candidates who agree with you.

      Where I live, candidates have just started to collect nominating signatures. It’s a pain in the neck job, but has to be done. My state representative is asking people to each get five signatures. That’s it. If you’re comfortable talking to your neighbors, that’s something you can do.

      I am also asking my friends to put my rep’s sign in their yard. Once the new signs are available, I will pick up and deliver them.

      We will get to a point where my rep will need to have door literature distributed. This does not involve talking to anyone! You just put the piece on the front doorknob. However, if you are willing to knock on doors to talk to people, that would be most welcome: it’s the hardest part of campaigning (after asking for money) and nobody wants to do it because it’s hard!

      Outside of politics: We volunteer at the food bank once a week. It’s a three hour shift and it’s physical and mindless, but when we’re done, we feel like we have helped make the world better in a small way.

      And I’m about to return to the volunteer program where adults read to the little kids, with the mission of inculcating them with a love of reading. Again, it’s only a few hours and it’s only a drop in the bucket, but it’s part of making the future better.

      Hang in there. It’s hard.

      1. Texan In Exile*

        Also! Depending on where you live – help register voters. The League of Women Voters is always looking for volunteers to help with voter registration. They give you the training. I do this because I live in a place where the majority of the population and I agree on issues but not all of them are registered. If I lived in another part of the state, I would not be doing this. There are people I hope won’t vote. A lot of them. I’m not going to help them inflict their horror on the rest of us.

        1. Squirrel Nutkin*

          Also, if you’re thinking about where to throw any charitable donations, maybe give to voting rights organizations of your choice? I like to feel like even if an election doesn’t go the way I want, by getting more people access to the vote, we’re still building a better society, knock wood.

    7. Monty & Millie's Mom*

      I think that unplugging from social media is super helpful. I find that when I allow myself to access ALL THE OPINIONS OF EVERYONE EVER, it’s overwhelming, and exhausting. I try to keep my new sources to a minimum, and to choose those that are the most trustworthy and unbiased (as much as that’s possible!), too. For me, it’s a balance of staying informed and involved as I can realistically be, without letting something take over my life. And – I feel like people are gonna hate this! – realizing that I don’t control the actual outcomes of these big issues and focusing instead on how I will handle/ control my own responses to whatever happens. Which is easier said than done, I know!

      1. Retired Accountant*

        Agree. I don’t need to see everyone’s hot takes on everything. Just reading a random opinion from a random neighbor means I have think if I agree or disagree, and think of arguments against if I disagree. Even if I never post a response, which I never do.

        And to the OP, I get my news from (online) newspapers. I believe that television news is designed to get people wound up, and make them angry and afraid. One network in particular, but they are all guilty of it. TV news really aggravates my stress response, so I don’t watch it. I read the NYT and skim a couple others, and that works for me. Added bonus that I can go in-depth on stories that interest me and skim or skip others.

      2. Anonosaurus*

        I agree with this. During the last few years I’ve found that I need to distinguish between information and opinion. I need to stay informed but that doesn’t mean I need to know what everyone on Twitter thinks about this information – mainlining opinion via social media makes me feel frustrated and disempowered, which for me leads to stasis rather than activism.

        Limiting my use of social media has helped my mental health, and I need to do that if I’m going to have the energy to help anyone or change anything.

    8. SofiaDeo*

      I started taking Dr. Wilson’s Adrenal Rebuilder to help mitigate the effects of excessive cortisol secretion from stress. They have a website as well as available through Amazon. I started this after my leukemia diagnosis and think it helped a lot. As well as, avoid sugary and high glycemic load/glycemic index carb-y traditional “comfort foods”. Paradoxically, they end up making me feel much worse. It sounds boring to have a cup of steamed broccoli or fruit when stressed out, but it seems to overall leave me feeling better than cookies, cakes, bread/potatoes, or mac n cheese.

      1. pancakes*

        I’d never heard of that and was curious what it is. It looks like there are several of these supplements and they could be dangerous for some people to take. I will link to the article in a separate reply, but Reuters said “Lab tests of the supplements found they all contained thyroid hormone and most had at least one steroid hormone.” That is not the type of supplement people should just order online and start taking without talking to their doctor.

    9. I'm A Little Teapot*

      I don’t watch the news on tv, and I am careful about how much I consume in general. Depending on the topic or how I’m doing, I can read more or less. Making time for hobbies and things I enjoy helps. Getting outside helps too. I may not enjoy weeding but I can’t deny it grounds me in a way few other things do. Doing something that has concrete results helps.

      But yeah, I’m very tired of living in interesting times. There’s a saying that there are decades in which nothing happens and years where decades happen (or something like that). I would prefer to skip to the quiet period after all this and be learning about the events in history.

    10. Chaordic One*

      Like MigraineMonth suggests, look back at history. I often think to myself, that living through the times we live in, must be sort of what it was like to have lived through the 1918 flu pandemic, or the Great Depression of the 1930s or World War II. Or maybe the bad old days when homosexuality or a woman’s right to choose was a crime. But people endured and persisted and things got better, at least for a little while.

      Sometimes it is enough just to get out of bed and go to work in the morning (if you have a job) and come home and fix dinner and clean your house.

    11. WoodswomanWrites*

      I’m a long-time activist and I can relate to your post. You’ve gotten a lot of good replies here about staying connected with others and limiting your news consumption. A couple other things I recommend are time in nature and time spent in things that give you joy.

      Connecting with nature could be your backyard, a city park, whatever. There is a lot of research about the mental health benefits of time outdoors, which you can easily find online if you’re curious about that. (There’s even a movement called Park Prescriptions across the country where physicians incorporate time in nature as part of treatment plans.)

      I’ve also found that engaging in other activities that bring me joy has been critical. For me that’s nature photography, adding updates to my blog, playing a musical instrument, etc. It’s also actively engaging in political work by balancing it out with all those things. And reading AAM. :)

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        And more thing I forgot. I make a point to have humor in my life. Sometimes that’s just watching videos. For example, this week I binged on Jonathan Groff on YouTube, singing tunes from Hamilton and interviews with him about it. I cracked up watching him teach Stephen Colbert how to do his King George walk.

    12. Tea and Cake*

      I really don’t know that this will help, but in case it might…

      Others have mentioned self-care and taking moments to acknowledge the world in a quiet way. I have been taking a two mile walk everyday, but without my phone so I spend 30 minutes observing the world, occasionally waving to my neighbors, spotting birds and wildlife or noticing the new flowers/leaves/plants in neighboring yards. While I do track the distance and time, I don’t have specific goals for either so that I don’t rush myself and miss out on the observation of it all.

      Additionally, because I also feel beat up, exhausted and like I have been merely treading water in a rocky sea, I very recently got into listening to podcasts. I have been finding podcasts that pose interesting (to me) questions about things like etymology of words and idiom origins (Something Rhymes with Purple), or conversations about wine (The Black Wine Guy), or conversations about people’s beliefs and ethics (You Made It Weird – the one with Michael Schur was very interesting). These podcasts have basically prompted me to engage, think and reflect on various topics that are not directly related to all of this. The negativity I feel like I’m still absorbing from the past two years has been pretty overwhelming and listening to various neutral or positive conversations has helped me feel like I can keep my head above these very murky waters mostly because everything is not all terrible (although it often seems that way).

      There’s an element in these two exercises that makes me feel connected, whereas the state of things just makes me feel unmoored. I know that podcasts and walks, on the surface, are just another thing to do. It’s the intention of the thing that has anchored me, even if only for a few minutes. All this to say, a stroll and a listen to a podcast may not yield any or even positive results for others, but something will once the intention is clear.

    13. Hypnotist Collector*

      It’s been a really challenging and emotional week. You’re not alone. I had to ask a friend on social media to stop tagging me on outrage meme posts – I see them, I know them, I need the volume turned down. And also, you can choose what to share or not share about your own situation or history; there’s a lot of people telling very intimate stories, and that’s okay, but you also shouldn’t feel pressured to share. Hang in there. I fought for these rights as a politically active teenager 50 years ago and I am so sorry that what we did wasn’t enough.

    14. Quinalla*

      All I know was I was not surprised by what happened, but was disappointed, enraged, etc. As far as dealing with the anxiety – exercise is the best thing for me, it’s the only thing that has kept me going/alive to be frank these past several years. Also, coming up with a worst case scenario plan as best I can helps me, that doesn’t help everyone, but gives me at least some peace of mind.

      For the rage, what helps me is finding something I can do, even if small, that gives me an outlet. Whether it is setting up a monthly donation, calling/emailing politicians, going to a rally, etc.

  15. Princess Xena*

    I have a neighborhood situation that I would appreciate some input on.

    TW: animal injury

    I live with another older family member, who owns the house where I lease a room. About two years ago we were leaving the house and found the neighbor’s dog, who was alive but had clearly been hit by a car. I stayed with the dog to keep her from wandering back into the road by accident while my family member went and got the dog’s owner.

    Fast forward to now: neighbor is convinced that we were the ones who hit her dog and are just not admitting it. She has been spreading this story around and making snippy comments, and it’s starting to spread bad feeling and turn into one of those interminable neighborhood squabbles. We have no way of proving we did not hit the dog (no cameras). Additionally, this neighbor lady has lost dogs before to the same cause because it’s a big neighborhood and she lets them run off-leash.

    Anyone have suggestions on how to keep the peace? Or on reframing us from “heartless murderers” to “neighbor lady is at it again”? Moving is not an option for us, and we would like to be on cordial terms with the majority of the neighborhood even if not that particular neighbor.

    1. RagingADHD*

      Has she been spreading this story the whole time, or did it start recently? If recent, why do you suppose that is?

      Id say that if you have already been on good terms with everyone else, then just continue being a good neighbor and doing neighborly things. If anyone brings it up to your face, you can simply say, “Of course we didn’t. I have no idea why she’d say such a thing.”

      If applicable, you could add that you have no idea why this is coming up 2 years later, since she was grateful for the help at the time and it never crossed any of your minds that she might accuse you.

      Alternatively, you could go all-in on the “bless her heart” route, and say something about how much she loved that dog and how you don’t blame her one bit for lashing out, even if it is not real. It’s such a helpless feeling when a tragedy happens and you don’t know who to blame, sometimes people turn on the very folks that tried to help. (Tsk, tsk, what a shame).

      Unfortunately, there aren’t any good ways to proactively address a whisper campaign in a loosely connected group like a neighborhood. Going out of your way to bring it up is just going to add fuel to gossip that the two of you have a beef with each other.

      If you are resolute in being the nicer person and refusing to say anything bad about her, people will figure out who the troublemaker is.

      1. fposte*

        I really like these ideas. They’re not “make her stop,” which isn’t likely to happen; they’re just making sure she’s troublemaking into the void.

      2. Princess Xena*

        No, she’s been spreading it for the last two years – unfortunately we moved in only a few years ago and don’t Know all the neighbors well

        1. RagingADHD*

          Then “bless her heart” is the way to go, that she still hasn’t been able to accept reality and clings to this weird story.

    2. Bagpuss*

      Do you have any other neighbours whom you get on well with? If so, maybe you could talk to them to see if they can help- I think it is unlikely that people will accuse you directly but if there are others who can respond to comment that might help. (e.g. a neighbour who, if anyone repeats the story to them, could say something like “oh that’s not what happened- Princess Xena was the one who *found* the poor dog, and stayed with it until they could find neighbour, they aren’t the ones who hurt it”

    3. Double A*

      She sounds unreasonable, and unreasonable people’s reputations usually precedes them.

      If I heard a neighbor accusing a neighbor of hitting their dog, my first thought would be, “Why was your dog in a position to be hit?” Obviously sometimes there are just tragic accidents, but your neighbors probably know she lets her dogs run loose and that this has happened more than once. Even if they think you hit the dog, most reasonable people will feel sorry for you, because no one wants to hit an animal and this woman puts her dogs at risk.

      If someone mentions it to you, you could say something like, “We didn’t hit the dog, but I feel terrible for it and wish she wouldn’t let her dogs run loose so they’re in this position.”

    4. pancakes*

      If I lived in the neighborhood and knew this woman let her pets roam into the road or wherever they want to explore, I’m pretty sure I would take her stories about who else is theoretically to blame for that with a massive pinch of salt. She doesn’t seem to have a leg to stand on to frame anyone else as a murderer, seeing as she doesn’t care enough about her own pets to keep them out of traffic. I say that as someone who wouldn’t be worried about my own neighbors thinking she’s reasonable to do that because that is not a thing people generally do in the large city I live in, though. It’s pretty dangerous to do that here. Is it common for people to let pets wander around where you are? I have lived in places where that’s more of thing, but it wasn’t my feeling that people were unaware of the risks.

    5. Juneybug*

      I would suggest the following actions –
      Could you start inviting the other neighbors over for coffee or meals?
      Could you start walking the neighborhood so you are more visible?
      Make sure to wave and sign hi to anyone you see.
      Could you have a block party?
      Could you start a neighborhood watch party?
      Could you beautify the neighborhood with flowers, picking up trash, etc.?
      Could you get with the city/county to get the speed limit lowered or add speed bumps?
      Discuss this with the neighbors prior.

      My reasoning – 1. the neighbors will see you more often, which in turn allows them to get to know you. 2. You obliviously are a caring person with these actions. 3. Builds human capital so when the neighbor talks bad about you, others can defend you as they know the true you. Anything positive you do will help reduce the rumors of you being a bad person.

      Good luck!!

    6. Dwight Schrute*

      I live in a neighborhood where one family used to always let their dog run around off leash and he’d almost been hit multiple times. I would absolutely take any accusations of theirs with a grain of salt if they said you hit the dog and lied about it. Not shockingly their little dog hasn’t been seen for months on end and I have to wonder if he finally did get hit by a car

    7. Salymander*

      One of our neighbors let his dog roam around unsupervised, and I had complained to him several times because it would come over and pee on our door and front windows. It was a big red Chow dog, and I found out later that it would growl at some people. Many people wanted this dog gone, but I was the only one who complained. When the dog disappeared, the owner blamed me and started spreading rumors about me. I just kept acting like I always do, and when anyone mentioned it I would say that it is sad that his dog disappeared, and that he is probably grasping at straws and trying to comfort himself. I just acted like I was sad for him. I mean, I was sad for him no matter how much of a jerk he was. The rumors died down, and neighbors remembered how annoying this man was and how tired they were of dealing with the dog. The man was a jerk anyway, so all I had to do was to keep acting like I always did and avoid saying anything mean about him or his dog, and his own behavior did the job for me. I think every neighborhood has at least one unreasonable loudmouth, and they tend to be really good at letting everyone know who they are and what they are all about.

      It was a kind and compassionate thing that you did when you tried to help that dog.

  16. StudentA*

    I’m obsessed with the concept of cooling mattresses. Anyone here own one? The prices are intimidating—and frankly out of reach for me. So I guess this won’t be a purchase in the near future. Maybe one day. But apparently the benefits are remarkable and I’m enthralled to have learned of them recently.

    1. Felis alwayshungryis*

      Like those gel mat things? I know someone who just bought a mat intended for dogs from a hardware store and put it on the bed!

    2. Meh*

      You can get a cooling mattress topper instead of the whole thing. Much less expensive.

      1. Admiral Thrown Rocks the Blue*

        I have that. 4 inch topper from Kohls. Really does stay cool, but it took a long time to stop smelling. And it’s quite heavy. I do love it though.

    3. No Name For Now*

      For something different, check out bedjet dot com. It’s basically a fan for your bed. I have had one for the last 4 years and it is awesome!

    4. Quinalla*

      I absolutely love my gel cooling pillow, not the same thing, but was worth every penny for me especially since I’m in perimenopause right now and need all the cooling help I can get.

  17. Anonymous at Tea Time*

    I’m going to start the conversation with my siblings about the end of life stuff for my parents. They are fit and have taken care of a bunch of stuff on their own (estate etc.), so I’m really only focusing on me and my siblings. Does any one have advice on how best to start that conversation? What questions to ask?

    One tricky part is that I live abroad and my siblings and parents do not…anyone have experience with that? (Also also: I’m the only one with a kid so far, which may complicate my own involvement…)

    Thank you for any advice!

    1. Despachito*

      It depends on what exactly you want to discuss. You mentioned “end of life stuff”, is it more about who will care for your parents if their health deteriorates? What will happen with their possessions? Are there some real practical issues you’d like to resolve? You say that they are fit though, and that they have taken care of a lot of things on their own …

      I am partly asking because if it is about the future care, there is a lot of unknown circumstances that may appear and you cannot really prepare for and I wonder whether it would be worth starting an awkward conversation over things which may never happen, or the situation of the people involved may change dramatically ?

    2. RagingADHD*

      You need to talk to your parents first. You don’t go around to the siblings polling people unless your parents have repeatedly refused to deal with their estate. That’s not the case, so you start by asking them what they have in place and what their wishes are.

      Since you are the only one living abroad, it’s entirely possible that they have already sorted out general plans with the siblings who will be close by.

      There’s nothing to discuss until you know what they want and what’s already in place.

      1. Despachito*

        And definitely this – if the parents do not suffer from a disease that would make it impossible to deal with them directly, I’d absolutely talk to them first.

      2. Cat and dog fosterer*

        I have a family member who has no kids, and spoke to my sibling about whether they would be willing to help out with care at some point. A bit of a different situation, but I don’t think the parents have to be part of the discussion first.

        The bigger issue for me is that AaTT wants to discuss this but can’t do any or much of the work due to distance. So why talk with siblings? If the question is about wanting to know if the others are planning to help out then it could build resentment. If it is about offering help in other ways, like financially, then that would be better.

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          And this is so hard to do years out. You can have good intentions now but the reality of caregiving turns out to be overwhelming; you can have flexible time now and a baby or different job or bad back in a few years.

          “We agree that Gretchen will handle it” makes sense only if your parents refuse to do anything and it seems clear they’re within a year or so of needing end of life help–if they’ve made plans and are currently fine physically and mentally, then I’m not sure what there is to discuss with them or your siblings.

        2. RagingADHD*

          Again, if the relative had already appointed a power of attorney, healthcare proxy, and executor, anything you decided with your siblings would be irrelevant and possibly cause confusion and problems.

          You can’t plan for someone’s dignity at end of life by ignoring their autonomy while they are living. If you care what happens to them, talk to them about what they want!

      3. Not So NewReader*

        Agreed. This banks off the parents. If everything is taken care of the parents should have assigned an executor for their estate. They could even contact a funeral home and plan out their own funerals.

        Part of why you don’t know what to discuss might be because you don’t know what is in place already.

        Having buried my own parents and inlaws, I can tell you that planning what to do after they pass is a lesser deal than planning what to do if they have a long term illness.

        Respectfully I ask, what concerns you the most here? Do you think that some sibs won’t pull their weight? You can almost count on this to happen. Some siblings will not lift a finger.
        Do you think you will be kept out of the loop? One way to combat this is to take a strong interest in your folks NOW. This will give you background for what you need to know in the future.

      4. CTT*

        On the living abroad point – when my parents re-did their wills a few years ago, they decided not to include me on the medical power of attorney because at the time I was living *two hours* away (as opposed to my sister, who lives 15 minutes away). Just because you’re living far away doesn’t mean they shouldn’t share your plans with you when you ask them, but there are some aspects of this that you won’t be able to be an active participant in.

    3. Pucci*

      I agree that you need to talk to your parents. The most important questions are those about their plans for the last years of their lives. Where do they plan to live? Ifit’s their current home, what are their plans for retrofitting it for mobility issues, dealing with the yard and general maintenance, getting to doctors appointments, especially if one needs daily chemotherapy, etc. If it’s a senior living or continuing care community, encourage them to live close to one of their children. What is their money situation for assisted living, getting through retirement, etc? Do they have a will, advanced medical directive, etc and where are these things located? From there, you are your siblings can evaluate how realistically your parents are approaching this.

      1. Texan In Exile*

        All excellent. In addition, here are some other things:

        * I am my mom’s executor and I have her financial POA. My sister, a nurse, has the medical POA. (Fortunately, my mom is in very good health).
        * My mom put me on her safe-deposit box and on all her accounts. When someone dies, it can be hard to get to the money, but the bills don’t stop.
        * My mom and I made a spreadsheet of all her accounts and bills and doctors, including websites and her passwords. (I have been unsuccessful in getting my mom to change her ten-year-old password. Trust me I have tried.) She showed me her files where the important papers, like the car title, are.
        * My mom and I met together with her financial advisor, who talked about her money and how it’s invested.
        * My dad is buried in Wisconsin (with space next to him for my mom) and my mom lives in Colorado. Because it can be difficult to transport a corpse across state lines, I asked my mom if it was OK if I had her cremated. (She said yes.)
        * I asked my mom about her funeral service. She would like something at the Colorado Springs church where she has been a member for over 20 years, but would also like something in her hometown when we inter her ashes by my dad.

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          When my dad died, my aunt sent my mom a check for a few hundred $. Specifically because so many of their friends had run into trouble accessing the accounts in the weeks after the death.

        2. Squirrel Nutkin*

          All great ideas. Strongly seconding the idea of having one of the kids on the safe deposit boxes and accounts (or at least one of the accounts). My dad and I did this where we had one shared checking account where he made very sure to keep at least the amount of money needed for his funeral expenses, since I didn’t have that kind of cash. And when he was on his last legs but not dead yet, I used my power of attorney to transfer some of his other money into that shared account for other post-death expenses until I went through the probate process, since the power of attorney ended with his death.

          Also seconding the idea of making sure you know where important documents are — my dad used to go over this with me again and again, and I kind of thought it was a pain, but I was SO grateful when he died and I wasn’t firing on all cylinders that I knew where things were.

    4. wearethejunimos*

      I agree with other that say to start by talking with your parents first, then you can base any further conversations needed with your siblings from that.
      I think the one of most important question you could ask your parents is “what do you want to have happen if you become really sick?” I am an ER nurse and so so often, I see people who haven’t had that conversation yet and are suddenly having to make huge decisions in the middle of emotions. Do they want medical staff to do everything possible for them? Do they want CPR, resuscitative drugs, the ventilator? Or, if it came to all that, would they rather let nature take its course? This can be a hard conversation to have, but it’s important. Because life is so fragile and if there’s a sudden change in their health status, it is so helpful (and I’d argue, peaceful) to have the knowledge of what they would want in that situation.

    5. WoodswomanWrites*

      I’m not sure what topics you are wanting to address as end of life things. Here’s my experience with siblings and our mother who is in her 90s.

      A couple decades ago, I reached out to my siblings and told them that should my mother ever need someone nearby to help her, that would be me because of my geographic location nearby and general life circumstances. That was the first conversation we had. My mother was proactive about making arrangements for herself years ago, moving herself into a retirement community that has life care should she ever be incapacitated.

      This helped my three siblings and I follow up with lots of conversations. We talked with each other about how we were committed to supporting her when her money ran out, which we all knew would happen eventually if she lived long enough. To assauge our mother’s fear that she would lose her home, we told her that we wouldn’t let that happen. (We’re fortunate that collectively we can pitch in enough to supplement her Social Security.)

      We agreed that as she was mentally declining, we needed to do more intervention. We determined who would do what, and recognized that with my being the closest to where she lives, I should be the lead for much of that. This resulted in talking with our mom and now having me and/or my sister legally on all her financial accounts as well as having access to her email, account passwords, etc. She’s feeling better knowing she has back-up in case she needs it.

      I recognize that I’m fortunate to have such a reasonable, caring family. The point I’m emphasizing here is that while my siblings and I are discussing these details, our mom is also directly involved in the conversations so we’re not going around her. Should she get to a place where she can’t manage at all, we have legal documentation set up so we can represent her that she personally agreed to.

  18. Cookies For Breakfast*

    I’d love some advice on two separate topics – sleep and home security. The recent backstory is the same, hence why one single comment.

    Context: a couple months ago, the outside of our home was badly damaged (attempted break-in or vandalism, we’ll never know and the police won’t pursue). There must have been a lot of noise when it happened. Even though we were sleeping inside, we didn’t hear a thing. We live in a relatively safe residential area, but it’s a big city, and these things can happen anywhere.

    I used to struggle with sleep in my 20s, and things had got a lot better in recent years, even despite pandemic and work stress. I don’t sleep all the hours I want, but as long as my sleep is uninterrupted, I’m fine. Now I’m back to square one. I wake up a few times per night without apparent triggers, in what I can only describe as deafening silence. It makes me hyper-attentive to any hint of noise coming from outside, and stay awake for what seems like ages. I may doze off again, but deep sleep eludes me. Then I’m up stupidly early as usual, and not rested at all. Meanwhile, my partner sleeps soundly and naturally wakes 2 hours after me in the morning, and I won’t lie – I envy him so much.

    What advice do you have for trying to train myself back into uninterrupted sleep, or fall back asleep in the middle of the night?

    On the home security front, what equipment would you recommend that doesn’t cost the earth and/or is good value for money? We have an alarm system, not sure what else to get (cameras? Video doorbell? Our front door is very close to the street, so motion sensors may not help much).

    Note, I am looking for a therapist to treat general anxiety (beyond the events above), but it’s taking time. So I’d appreciate practical sleep tips more than anything. Thank you for reading!

    1. Lemon*

      I’m sorry to hear that. On the sleep front – do you think the silence is keeping you from sleeping again after you wake up at night? In that case maybe you could try a white noise or sleep sounds app. I think the app Calm has sleep sounds (soothing audios like rain, waves, etc., need not always be static/white noise – depends on what works for you). I wish you the best!

      1. Cookies for Breakfast*

        Yes! The silence is definitely a factor. I haven’t had much luck with rain and wave sounds: I played a couple tracks from Spotify, and found them more intrusive than relaxing. Your comment and a couple of others are making me think about trying white noise, and the Calm app too. Thank you!

    2. Janet Pinkerton*

      For falling back asleep in the middle of the night: When I fully wake up in the middle of the night, I get on my phone and do wordle and other word games. It only “turns on” a part of my brain and sometimes it’s just the stimulation I need to fall back asleep. If that’s not enough, I read longform nonfiction or fan fiction. I don’t get on my social media, and I don’t read AAM (she says at 5:30 after being up for 90 minutes already). I also don’t try to fight being awake—I wake up, enjoy my “awake nap”, and then fall back asleep. I’ve gotten in the habit of going to bed earlier to help accommodate this gap.

      1. Cookies for Breakfast*

        I do the word games too! I leave those, and reading AAM, for the 6 – 7AM slot – the time when I know I won’t try to sleep again, don’t want to get out of bed, and I still have lots of time to pass before my partner wakes or it’s time to get ready for work. That’s usually when I do some reading, too, but there’s a lot more to read than daily word games to play, so I’ll definitely consider it for the middle of the night. It’s only a shame it has to be ebooks, which I can read without waking anyone, as holding the full weight of a paper book while lying in bed has been known to send me to sleep in the past :)

    3. Flower necklace*

      I listen to an audio book when I can’t sleep. I set a timer on it so it automatically turns off after 30 minutes, which is usually long enough for me to fall back asleep.

      The audio book doesn’t always work, however. I used to force myself to stay in bed, no matter what, but now I’ll get up and do some work (nothing important, but I’m a teacher and I’m constantly behind on planning). I’ve actually found that to be very effective on the worst nights.

      1. Ali + Nino*

        I had a bout of insomnia in college and so learned about sleep hygiene, and a major component is training yourself/your body/mind to associate your bed only with sleep. If I wake up and can’t get back to sleep I read a book on the couch in low light until I can barely keep my eyes open anymore.

    4. Little beans*

      I’m sorry, I would have trouble sleeping after an incident like that too! I recommend security cameras. You can watch what’s happening from your phone anytime, so you can check when a delivery arrives, etc. We have the Arlo cameras and it’s a big upfront expense one time, but feels so worth it. The only thing is, if you live on a busy street, you have to angle it so it’s not picking up street traffic or else you’ll get nonstop alerts from it.

      1. Cookies for Breakfast*

        Thank you! That’s exactly what we’re concerned about. We’ve heard before that given how close the front of the house is to the street, cameras would be likely to pick up every movement and would end up not being useful at all. We have neighbours with Arlo cameras, and might ask them, since they’re pretty close to the sidewalk too (but their front wall may just be that little useful bit farther away).

    5. Missb*

      Do you have a car? I keep our keys on my nightstand when dh is out of town and I’m more hyper vigilant because he is gone. In theory, I’d set off the car alarm if I heard anything outside.

      I also keep some lights on those wifi plugs, is I can use my phone to turn on the entryway and dining room lights from bed.

      Those came in handy last year when someone showed up on our porch at 2 am, pounding on our walls. I turned the lights on then got some clothes on. Note that dh was still asleep, so my hyper vigilance when he is gone makes zero sense. I should be hyper vigilant at all times, lol.

      We have dogs and they sleep in kennels in our room. DH wears ear plugs and I do not. Big Dog barked and growled before the pounding started. I let him out of the room after I remotely turned on the lights and before throwing on clothes. He’s 100 lbs and has mastiff/american bulldog in him, so rather intimidating. He takes our security seriously. He stood in the dining room and barked his head off. I didn’t let him outside.

      It was a drunk guy. Totally lost, didn’t understand why we didn’t let him in. The cops took him home.

      We fenced our property. No one walks up to our door now. Mostly we were fencing for the dogs but it also provided peace of mind.

      Lighting works outside. Doesn’t sound like sensors would work but maybe install and keep exterior lights on at night. Maybe having the ability to turn on interior lights will help you feel better prepared. Maybe having a locking bedroom door will reassure you.

      1. Cookies for Breakfast*

        Thank you for the advice! We don’t have a car, but I sleep with the home alarm on when I’m alone, and it makes a subtle difference between sleeping roughly and not closing my eyes at all. We’ve finally found someone to install a fence and a small front gate, and even though they can’t be very tall due to building regulations, it helps that the front of the house feels more secluded now. Exterior lights are something that might work too!

    6. Writer Claire*

      I have major sleep issues myself–getting to sleep and staying asleep. One thing that has helped me is the Calm app, which has a number of “sleep stories” and meditations for exactly the problem you describe. I sprang for the paid version and I am using the heck out of the app, both for sleep and for focusing myself with writing, but there is a (somewhat limited) free version.

    7. PostalMixup*

      Perhaps this is a user error thing, but I’ve found that doorbell cameras only save the footage for the immediate time that it detects motion or a person. When we lived in a busy street and had the Nest camera, we could turn off alerts for motion but it still saved the footage. Now we’re on a quiet street with the Ring camera, and when we turned off alerts for motion, it stopped saving that footage. I definitely prefer the way the Nest camera worked.

    8. RussianInTexas*

      Ring doorbell and camera/motion sensor – you can set up the sensitivity and the distance, so it won’t get everyone and everything on the street, vs just by your door. They also have the stand alone cameras you can put on the perimeter of the property, with the same settings.

      1. Cookies for Breakfast*

        Oh, that’s very good to know. The Ring doorbell would have been my preference, but I was under the impression (because an electrician we’ve asked also said so) that it would indeed get everyone on the street. Will look into it again!

    9. Suprisingly ADHD*

      For me, what helps is getting up and eating a little something. A couple ounces of cheese, or some pretzels, usually (protein or carbs). Getting up puts a separation between waking up and falling asleep again, and the little bit of nutrition settles my body down (hard to pump adrenaline while digesting). My uncle gets night terrors, he needs cheese right before bed and that reduces the terrors to almost never.

    10. Girasol*

      I second the audio book with one earphone/earbud so the other ear is free to hear sounds in the house if having both ears covered would add to the worry. Regarding security, a recent discussion in our local Next Door app seemed to point to Blink security equipment as our local favorite.

      1. Cookies for Breakfast*

        Interesting, thanks! It’s the first time I’m hearing of Blink (though my partner may already know it). I wouldn’t mind having both ears covered, and tried that in the past…but I know, as a side sleeper who tosses and turns a lot, that at some point I’d wake up anyway with the urge to take them off, and that kind of defeats the purpose :D Shame, as that would solve the problem of finding something to do for myself while having someone soundly asleep next to me.

    11. Just a name*

      For me, white noise helps. I have an air purifier that runs all night that works. Also blackout curtains because I like the dark. I take a NyQuil each night. Falling asleep is not an issue, but waking up at 4 am and not falling back asleep because my head is spinning with stuff was. NyQuil makes it easy to fall back to sleep. I do relate to the every noise in the night thing though. I’ve had my home broken into twice (in the ‘80’s and ‘90’s, so a while ago). I wasn’t home either time but was the person who discovered the break ins by myself in the dark. Eventually the major panic wore off, although there are still times when I will wake up, thinking I heard something, and then patrol the house, flipping on inside and outside lights.

    12. EdgarAllanCat*

      I actually talk out loud to my anxiety before falling asleep. I reassure it that I collected the mail, fed the cat, etc etc, and it doesn’t need to wake me up as a reminder. This helps for some reason. I no longer wake up 1/2 down the stairs convinced that the world will burn because I didn’t get the mail.

    13. beentheredonethat*

      My Mom has dementia. I have a Nest doorbell camera, and a camera pointed at the back of the house. Also, 4 cameras in the house. They were cheap and easy to install and use. Caveat, they are sensitive and the way my doorbell camera is pointed, anytime a car drives by at night it notifies me. The wind blows the bush, a cat walks by. I do like them. After I move my mom to home, I will keep the outside cameras and shut the inside ones down.

    14. OneTwoThree*

      A lot of people have talked about the Calm App, White Nose, or something to that effect. I also agree that is a great idea. I listen to the same podcast while going to sleep everynight on headphones designed to sleep in (“SleepPhones”). I set the timer to turn off the podcast after the first 20 min. If I wake up during the night, I restart the Podcast. It helps me go back to sleep within 5 min almost every time.

      I also pull the headband down over my eyes. It acts as a sleep mask that way too.

      Also, as silly as this sounds, I’ve mentally assigned “given the responsibility of being on guard” to my partner. I wear the headphones so my partner isn’t disturbed while they are trying to sleep. If I wear headphones, I can’t hear what is happening outside. He has agreed that he will be listening and on guard for both of us. If I know he is taking care of it, I can relax a bit easier and I ignore a lot more noises.

    15. Quinalla*

      The “white noise” we use for our bedroom and the kids’ is just a standard box fan. We like having the extra air movement too, so if that sounds good, highly recommended and cheap white noise!

      Would a camera so you could at least review later what happened give you peace of mind? Cameras often act as a deterrent too.

      Good luck, not getting sleep is rough, mine has been disturbed most nights for months for different reasons and I feel you!

    1. Pam Adams*

      I was thinking- in 1906 San Francisco, a weird family will be the least of her problems soon.

  20. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Writing thread! How’s everyone’s writing going? As usual, this is not limited to fiction writing, any writing goes.

    I’ve been trying to figure out where the loose scenes I wrote would roughly fit into the overall story. Problem is that some of them could fit in multiple places – change some names and some scenes could even fit into multiple stories. Woops.

    1. MigraineMonth*

      Have you tried writing a one-sentence description of each scene on a post-it or index card, then rearranging them and seeing which flow you prefer? There are also writing tools that do this virtually, if you prefer.

      I usually focus on how the order affects the character arc or relationships. I once watched a TV show that the producers–for some odd reason–decided to show out of order. The show was pretty episodic, so the plot still worked, but the friendship between the two main characters was yo-yoing around with no explanation. It was a very frustrating viewing experience.

      1. A.N. O'Nyme*

        That is usually how I work, yes, but the problem is I can’t really decide which flow I like better ^^’. I’m probably going to do the flip a coin thing and see if I’m disappointed with the result.

        Oof, yeah, that is annoying.

    2. RagingADHD*

      I have 2 chapters due Monday and 0.5 chapters written. Why do I do this to myself? Ugh.

    3. Elizabeth West*

      I keep thinking of things to put in Book 3. I fire up the writing software, drop them in there, and then stare blankly at the screen. But it’s coming. If I start describing what I want to do in my outline or notes, then it often turns into a full-blown scene.

      I pretty much know what’s going to happen. Right now, it’s about structure and fleshing out the conlang a bit more.

      1. Chaordic One*

        If you don’t mind my asking, what kind of writing software do you use?

        1. Elizabeth West*

          It’s called SmartEdit Writer, made by a little Irish company called Bad Wolf. I used to use their PageFour program. but I switched to this one.

          I like it because it lets me import and export to and from Word. The thing I like most is that it lets me move chapters around individually before I merge the entire document. It has less features than Word so I don’t have to deal with it doing things I don’t want it to do. You can also set it up to back your work up every time you close it.

  21. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Gaming thread! What’s everyone been playing this week? As usual this is not limited to video games, so feel free to talk about any kind of game you want to including phone games and board games. Also feel free to ask for recommendations or help identifying a vaguely remembered game.

    Still not much for me, though I did play some Age of Empires 2, currently going for Saladin’s campaign.

    1. The Dude Abides*

      Today, I’m selling off my consoles, games and accessories (PS2, N64) to Disc Replay. We are in the process of moving, and I can count on one hand the number of games I’ve played on them in the past five years.

      The only video game I play anymore is Link to the Past Randomizer on my laptop.

      1. A.N. O'Nyme*

        May they go to loving homes.

        Also the LttP Randomizer has been on my list of things to try, so I’m curious to hear what you think of it!

        1. The Dude Abides*

          I started on Open Keysanity about four years ago, and play casually off and on when I have time.

          As someone who’s played the vanilla game for over 20 years, I love the variety that the seeds give.

          When first starting, find a tracker that works best for you. Too often, I’d find that one check that I orphaned and isn’t exactly top of mind (Aginah’s cave, bonk rocks) had my progression.

    2. RussianInTexas*

      I have finally won in the Wingspan last week! Wooo! My gaming group is tough, so I am inordinately proud.
      Played a game that was introduced at the latest BGG – Ark Nova. It’s a long big complicated game with an unusual scoring system, but I liked it. The premise is that you are building a zoo.

    3. A Girl Named Fred*

      I just bought Dorfromantik on Steam the other day, and it’s exactly the kind of not-quite-mindless but not-super-difficult game I was looking for. Super relaxing, easy to watch/listen to something else while I play, but keeps my attention in a way some other ‘casual’ games don’t. Only downside is I sometimes struggle to tell how long I’ve been playing lol!

      Basic premise, if anyone’s curious – you have a pile of hexagonal tiles with various landscape features, and your goal is to place them down so that like landscape features are placed next to like. So you try to connect a bunch of houses, a bunch of trees, create a river, etc. If you complete certain quests, you get more tiles. The goal is just to place as many tiles as you can and get the highest points possible.

      1. MEH Squared*

        I love Dorfromantik! It’s the perfect ‘chill out but still engage your brain’ game.

      2. Sharp-dressed Boston Terrier*

        Picked that up myself a couple of weeks ago (yay Steam sales!) and enjoy it very much, too. It’s a good way to kill an hour or so where I just need to tune out for a bit.

    4. Admiral Thrown Rocks the Blue*

      I started Best Fiends right after Ukraine was invaded. I could not take the news anymore and needed something to fill the void, I’m currently over level 600. I love it. It’s a simple game, and I can take my time after each move. It’s adorable, I love the music and the Fiends are the cutest.

    5. ResearchalatorLady*

      I’m thinking about buying an Oculus/Meta Quest VR headset to use for fitness. I used to be into gaming but that fell away some decades ago (thanks, depression!) so I’ve no experience past SNES and PS2, other than Candy Crush. Any thoughts welcome!

    6. SparklingBlue*

      Re-started Legend of Mana HD just because–my only word of advice is to play with the classic PSX music, as most of the redone versions are meh (to me) at best.

      Also keeping an eye out for any news of Pokémon Scarlet and Violet.

    7. Puffle*

      I’ve just finished Assassins Creed: Revelations after a few weeks off gaming, literally waiting right now for Detroit: Become Human to finish downloading so I can start playing.

      I can see why Revelations is considered the weak link in the Ezio trilogy, but I loved the setting and the soundtrack is great. The puzzles are also really fun. I think the plot doesn’t have the same visceral appeal as the other two games, where the characters are driven by the classic motives of revenge and a fight to remove corrupt/ evil enemies from power, but it made sense to me that it has more of a contemplative feel and a focus on reflecting on the past and oneself as the trilogy draws to a close. In some ways it feels like a major theme/ question is, what do you do when you’ve had your revenge and defeated your enemies- where does your life go after that?

      First time play of Detroit: Become Human for me, which has a very different setting, so will be interesting to see what I make of it having just played Revelations

    8. MEH Squared*

      Still playing Elden Ring (FromSoft), but am starting to think about other games to play. There are a few on Game Pass that I have installed such as NORCO (Geography of Robots) and Tunic (Andrew Shouldice).

    9. GlowCloud*

      I finally started Psychonauts 2 – It’s been years since the first one was released, and the sequel is every bit as good! Couldn’t help staying up ’til 5am playing it. They have to be my all-time favourite video games.

  22. Piercing questions*

    Septum piercing questions – Is it possible to keep it hidden during the healing stage? (I don’t know if it would be okay at my workplace, but I am fine with hiding it until it heals and then putting in jewelry when I want to show it off) I have a deviated nasal septum and pre-lockdowns (and masks) I was quite prone to colds and sinusitis – is this piercing a no-go for me? I really love the look but I’m not sure if I can make it work with these restrictions :/

    Anything else I should know about possibly getting a septum piercing?

    Thank you and happy weekend!

    1. Velvette*

      I don’t have a septum piercing because I too am prone to colds and sniffles and decided it wasn’t worth it, so take my advice with a grain of salt. But I would suggest testing out a non permanent option first – there are some convincing rings that pressure fit inside your nose, and there are magnetic ones that come in two parts. Wear that for a while and pay attention to how often you feel annoyed when blowing your nose, etc!

    2. MuttIsMyCopilot*

      As someone with chronic sinus issues from allergies who loves her septum piercing, I think you should go for it!

      Unless you have especially petite nostrils, you should be able to flip a circular barbell or retainer up for healing, but plan to leave it up most of the time. It’s not great to move the jewelry around a bunch while it’s healing. If you have seasonal allergies I’d avoid getting it done when they’re the worst, but other than adjusting how you blow your nose to accommodate the jewelry, it shouldn’t really impact much.

  23. WoodswomanWrites*

    Birding thread. What have you been seeing and what have they been up to?

    My birding friends and I took a late afternoon/early evening walk in a nearby park that none of us had been to before. It turned out to be a great spot for watching birds in various stages of caring for young. We watched a junco pull seeds from a flowering plant, and then the parent and fledgling flew to a spot on the ground near us for the parent to offer the food. An adult chickadee fed their cheeping offspring on a branch in a shrub. And in a moment of incredible cuteness, an acorn woodpecker ducked into a nest hole in a tree adjacent to the trail and sat there with her head poking out looking at us.

    2. Lizabeth*

      Mr and Mrs. Cardinal are getting good at guilt tripping me to put out a handful of sunflower chips every morning. And the birds have found the new bird bath – several mourning doves have done 10 minute baths in it. The finches are eating upside down on the firecracker flowers. I expect the hummingbirds to find them next.

    3. GoryDetails*

      Cardinals courting in my yard, against a backdrop of flowering cherry and crabapple trees. The male was feeding sunflower seeds to the female – quite lovely!

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        I miss cardinals from my Michigan childhood, since we don’t have them in California.

    4. fposte*

      I went for the first kayak outing of the year, and the lake was happening, birdwise. Unfortunately it’s very difficult to see a bird clearly with binoculars when you’re bobbing and drifting, even if only slightly. There are a ton of great blue herons, which I like a lot, but I saw something that looked like a rosy-bellied version and I have no idea what that would be.

    5. I take tea*

      Cranes! They are so cool, very majestetic. And the sound is fascinating, like a cross between geese and Siamese cats.

    6. Sundial*

      There is a woodpecker trying to destroy my brand-new roof. My neighbors are now used to me standing in the yard at 6 am shrieking threats into the sky.

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        While that sounds like an irritating scenario, this visual cracks me up!

      2. pancakes*

        We often have the Cornell Ornithology Lab feeder cam at Sapsucker Woods on in the background, and at this time of year we often have it on both the living room TV and a tablet on my boyfriend’s desk. There is one pileated woodpecker that comes around that is massive. I would not want it trying to eat my roof! It looks like a little pterodactyl.

    7. Suprisingly ADHD*

      Our summer birds are arriving! The mocking birds got here early this year, they’ve been singing nonstop for a week or so. The red-wing blackbirds are as aggressive as ever, they’ve started chasing the crows around. The robins showed up with the mockingbirds last week, and we’ve got grackles too!
      The winter flocks of canadian geese have finally left, we’re down to just the 4 nesting pairs. One of them has babies already, but we’re hoping the others won’t hatch.

    8. Formerly in HR*

      Spent the week in San Diego and too many days with my neck craned watching the hummingbirds at Balboa Park. Also spotted a pair of falcons/hawks gliding over the canyon while I was on a museum terrace.

      1. The OG Sleepless*

        Nice! I’m going to be in San Diego this week. Where do you go for birdwatching?

    9. Hotdog not dog*

      Lots of bluebirds this year. I think there is a nest in one of the dead trees at the back edge of our property (which is exactly why we don’t cut them down). I don’t do bird feeders because we also have bears, so I try to grow a lot of native plants that the birds, bees, and butterflies can eat from.

    10. Girasol*

      I’m seeing a robin on the arbor in spite of the mylar pinwheels I put up there to keep him from perching and making droppings on the arbor bench where I sit for morning coffee. It’s that robin time of year here, when all the neighbors are complaining of them pounding on windows. I may have to get out the paint roller and paint the outside of my bedroom window with washable finger paint to discourage one that’s been banging there. On a more positive note, I can hear nearby the songs of redwings, kildeers, quail, goldfinches, house finches, and occasionally a meadowlark.

    11. Kate in Scotland*

      We just went to the local pond to see the moorhen chicks. They are already a lot bigger than they were two weeks ago, but still cute. I love their enormous feet.
      The swans in the same pond look like they’re still nesting, but I hope there will be cygnets soon.

    12. Maryn*

      We had a *bad* birding week.

      First we had to remove a robin’s nest built in an inappropriate place that wouldn’t let us open the door fully. While we don’t use this door a lot (which is why we didn’t notice the nest under construction), we don’t want to be unable to use it.

      A few days later, Ms. Robin laid two eggs on the concrete porch below where the nest had been. It was going below freezing at night and those eggs had no protection. We figured it was probably too late, but found the original nest and put the eggs in it, just not where it had been. The birds ignored it, and two days later the eggs were outside the nest, broken, most likely by a predator of some kind.

      Cut to the really awful part. Mr. Robin started attacking the windows, beginning about five in the morning and going until around seven in the evening. By attack I mean come at it with talons and beak, around every ninety seconds to two minutes.

      Audubon’s website said it’s a territorial-mating thing and he’s attacking his own reflection because he thinks he sees a rival. They recommended covering the glass with something non-reflective, which we were willing and able to do in back, where the bedroom is, but not in front, where the windows are very high.

      So for several days, about fourteen hours a take, this robin threw himself at the glass over and over. You could hear it all over the house except in the basement.

      And then he stopped, so abruptly that I checked the ground below the high windows, wondering if he’d injured or even killed himself. Nothing.

      Anyway, I’m glad the robin drama has ended.

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        That does sound rough. I didn’t know all that about robins. I grew up in Detroit but was barely aware of the local birds back then before moving to the West Coast.

    13. Dino*

      Just started using the Merlin app and have really enjoyed identifying sounds!

      As for visual sightings: a spotted towhee with an attitude hopping their way into the blackberry brambles. I disturbed them by walking nearby, oops.

    14. Squidhead*

      A rose-breasted grosbeak pair showed up at our feeders this week! They only seem to pass through and not stay, but I enjoy them. And I had just washed and filled all the feeders so they had many options.

    15. Blomma*

      I’m not a birdwatcher but I saw a Belted Kingfisher for the first time this week. I’ve lived near Puget Sound my entire life and this is the first time I’ve seen one. I got to see it in action diving into the Sound several times – it was so cool!

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        That is an amazing sighting! Just incredible birds, all head and beak and spearing artists.

  24. Still*

    This is a long shot but does anyone have any experience with piling or with an old building settling due to a decreased groundwater level?

    We’ve won a bid on an apartment in a small building (I think it’s eight apartments in the building, 23 total in the whole HOA). Everything is great, except… In one corner of the building, there are some diagonal cracks on the outside, and it turns out in 2020 the HOA did an inspection of the grounds and it turned out that there is some settling due to the decreased groundwater level caused by a nearby sewer. The inspecting company has recommended ground reinforcement.

    The HOA is in the process of investigating how serious the issue is and what is the best way to reinforce the ground, but that’s a six-months-long process and we need to make a decision this weekend.

    My partner thinks that it’ll be just like any other maintenance: it will cost, of course, but the HOA will have piling or some other form of reinforcement done, and then it won’t be a problem anymore.

    On the one hand, it sounds reasonable; why give up on a great apartment because of an issue that’s already being handled? On the other… I have a feeling like it might be more complicated than that. Even apart from the cost, is there a chance that the piling won’t work as expected, or that it will help for a while but that the building will start settling again in a while?

    I know it’s basically impossible to say anything definitive, but – does anyone have any experience with pilling, good or bad? I’d love to know if settling is usually an issue that’s serious but fixable, or if it’s gonna haunt us forever if we buy the place.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      Eh, we read stories out of FL about buildings collapsing. This does not inspire confidence.

      Personally, I think get ready to move. I have a single family home here. I put in a lot of drainage, reinforced a lot of things and the building still moves. I am probably okay for the next 25 years- at that point I will be well into my 80s and probably ready to move anyway.

      Yes, they can fix it. But it depends on the skill and integrity of the contractor doing the work. Underground water flows will continuously wear down the area a building sits on. If they are not working to redirect natural water flows, I’d get out of there sooner rather than later.

      I def would NOT buy this place. This is something that should be constantly monitored and accessed even after the repair is done. Other areas should also be checked. And again if a plan is not in place for regular checks, I’d be out of there sooner rather than later.

      You can find a better place than this one. You can find a place that does not leave you loaded with worry and doubt.

    2. Glomarization, Esq.*

      I may be missing something here, but I’m not sure I understand why you would buy an apartment in a building that may be falling down.

      If you do decide to go forward, though, you should know how much money is in the HOA’s reserves fund, what the complex’s insurance coverage looks like, and how much you may be on the hook personally to fund the building repairs that are on the way. There’s a distinct possibility that the building could be condemned, and you might incur an uninsurable loss (and yet still have an obligation to pay the mortgage). I would run, run, run away from this transaction.

    3. Anono-me*

      I personally would be very very reluctant to buy anything with known foundation issues.

      How much money do you have available for the potential special assessment to pay for fixing the foundation issues?

      How will this impact your resale value?

      Do you have any friends or family with construction or engineering background that you could talk to about this?

      (Also, I would be a little concerned about the HOA’s approach taking so long on a decision. )

      1. Glomarization, Esq.*

        HOA’s approach taking so long on a decision

        Yep. One of the factors in the Surfside Condominium collapse was the failure of the board to act upon the knowledge they had for a few years about construction issues and degradation. They also failed to keep significant reserves and assess the residents in order to get repairs done.

    4. Sundial*

      I live in an area prone to settling and sinkholes. Adding water to that mix is like tossing gas on a fire. And you say there’s nothing even being done about this until a board of amateurs collectively pulls their thumbs out of their butts? Run, do not walk, away from this property.

    5. Liminality (Formerly It’s Quarantime!)*

      The ‘green m&m’s’ test for HOAs is “How well funded is your Reserve Fund?”
      The Reserve Fund is the recommended Savings Account balance that the HOA should maintain to address any structural/property issues in a timely manner.
      I don’t know the law in your area, but here the law is that the HOAmust pay for a Reserve Study every two years or so where a professional in the field examines the property and gives the suggested reserve amount. There is No Law that says the HOA must actually maintain that level of savings.
      HOAs that do not keep a healthy reserve fund can not address unexpected issues quickly and they frequently drag their feet on addressing known issues. Either way, there tend to be Special Assessments that must be paid by the owners on top of the standard HOA fees which can make personal budgeting difficult.
      Ideally, a Reserve Fund would be fully funded at 100%, and depending on circumstances, I’d be comfortable buying in a complex as low as 50% funded. (Maybe they just finished work on a large project and they plan to rebuild the fund ASAP?)

      But every property WILL have big maintenance needs sooner or later and the quality of HOA leadership can be judged at a glance by how well funded the Reserve Fund is.

    6. Still*

      Thank you all for replying.

      I do think there’s a good chance that it might not be a huge issue and that it’s fixable, but there’s no way for me to know it until the investigation is over, and you’re right: it’s not worth the risk. There’ll be other places.

      I’ve called the realtor and told him thank you but no thank you. Wish us luck with finding an apartment that’s just as nice, without being a potential hazard!

      1. Idyllic Gulag*

        As someone who spent nearly a decade of their professional life working with large HOAs to prepare and implement reserve studies and maintenance plans, you made the right choice. I have enough horror stories to last three lifetimes; if you learn about serious structural issues like that before you buy, count your blessings and buy a lottery ticket because it’s your lucky day.

  25. esemess*

    I recently made a hard decision to end a romantic relationship because I realized that the person held me back/exhausted me. It was a really hard choice because I truly care about the person. However, I realized that staying in it would have been unfair to both of us, as we equally deserve to be with partners that enrich our lives. It felt like a risk because I’d like to get married at some point, and this person definitely wanted to marry me. While I am sad, I am also really proud of myself for ending things and staying true to what I need and not letting a desire for marriage scare me into something mediocre. Go me!

    I would love to here about others who chose the path of least resistance for something (definitely doesn’t need to be a relationship!!) that wasn’t quite the right fit. Let’s celebrate our bravery in chasing the life we want/need! :)

    1. esemess*

      EDIT:

      *the scarier path, NOT the path of least resistance. :)

      **In my case it was definitely a path with more (short-term) resistance!

    2. Love AAM*

      When I was 22-years-old, I was a mother of a two-month-old and a thirteen-month-old (yes, only eleven months apart). Their dad and I had a whirlwind romance that became very unhealthy. One day, after trying hard to improve things with little success (he had a lot of serious issues), I left him. I simply didn’t want our children to grow up in that unhealthy environment. It was terrifying at first to be on my own with two babies, but we did just great, thanks to an excellent support system! A year later, I met my future husband. We’ve been happily married for 30 years. He treats me like an absolute queen and has since Day one, and is completely devoted to our family. If I stayed in that unhealthy relationship, I would not have met him. It makes me sad to think of that! You’ve got this!

    3. NeonFireworks*

      I did the same thing not long ago. It was very hard, because we were such a good match in so many ways. However, the relationship was sucking up a lot of my energy/tolerance and not channeling it into anything good. I cannot wait to meet something I click with who doesn’t wear me out with daily high maintenance routines.

    4. FACS*

      My college bf was a great guy. Smart, funny, curious. Her has a PhD now and is a college professor. Everyone liked him and we had talked about marriage. He was also stunningly passive-aggressive. I’m there trying to use my “I” messages and he would say, “yes, I can see how that might be annoying”. And not change anything. I would eventually blow up and he would say “Calm down. Why are you so upset by a few beard hairs in the sink?” I realized that after a decade or so of it I would eventually be a ball of resentment. I did not want that. I did not want to clean up after another adult human for the rest of my life. So I ended it.
      I also ended a relationship because he wanted to be a career military officer. I’m good with the military but my job is referral based and built on long term relationships. I could not relocate every couple of years and had no desire to be in the military myself.
      Both men were lovely but not ultimately the right ones. Sometimes you just have to realize your truth and act, even if it really hurts in the moment.

    5. ElEm*

      At age 51, I left a 33 year marriage. I had never lived on my own, but couldn’t envision any more years with my husband. 12 years later, I’ve never been happier. And the biggest bullet I dodged was finding out he was a Trump supporter, which would have driven me insane.

    6. Juneybug*

      I left my second husband as he wouldn’t work on our marriage and I was so tired of being the only adult in the relationship. Two years of counseling and the needle hadn’t move so I asked for a divorce. It was scary as I had two children (1 and 6 years old) and being a single parent in the military is not for the faint of heart. Plus I really didn’t want to be divorced twice before the age of 30. Looking back, second husband was a rebound as I had recently divorced my first husband over his drug addiction.
      Second husband’s standards of living were so low that I knew I would be the one carrying the workload (maintaining a job with insurance, cleaning house, making all of the decisions, etc.). I wanted an equal partner, not another person to take care of. But at age 29, it was hard to explain that our marriage just didn’t feel right. Of course, everyone thought I was crazy for leaving a nice guy – Think of the kids. Not all guys will be helpful with the house or kids. He’s not cheating or abusing you so why leave? Your expectations are too high.
      The kids and I went to individual and family counseling so we could move on in a healthy way. We were doing pretty well all things considering. Realized that I had much less stress being a single parent than having second husband around.
      Few years later, I meet Mr Wonderful. Wasn’t planning on marrying again. Didn’t need another person in my life. But over time, I realized that he was great person and made all of our lives better. Married him after few years of dating and happy to say I love him more every day. He is the best thing that ever happen to the kids and I.
      So heck yes to taking the path of difficulty, being brave, and living your best life. I am.

    7. Squirrel Nutkin*

      After over a decade together, I left a great boyfriend whom my family all adored because I just didn’t love him in that way anymore and I was feeling very trapped and found myself starting to be mean to him, which I absolutely did not want to do. I don’t have a great “and then I met someone awesome and we got married and had kids!” ending to the story–I sure wish I did!–but I did wind up coming out as bisexual and having a lot of adventures and meeting a lot of new friends in ways that just wouldn’t have happened otherwise.

      Most importantly, my ex and I still have a warm, close friendship — he feels like a brother to me — and he now has a wife who is a better match for him than I was and who is also really cool. So, even without a storybook ending, I think we both wound up in a better place eventually.

      1. Spearmint*

        It warms my heart to hear you are still close with your ex. My partner and I are about to take a break and possibly break up permanently for similar reasons, though I’m in the position of your ex in this scenario. We’re best friends, chosen family really, but she doesn’t have romantic or sexual feelings for me anymore and that has been really hard on both of us. We really want to remain close if we do break up in the end, and I’m glad others have been able to do so with their exes.

        1. Squirrel Nutkin*

          Sending you all good wishes as you navigate this difficult situation, Spearmint.

          For what it’s worth, I am also very close with my ex-girlfriend, who in that case was the one who wanted to break up with me. We talk every day and are mutually supportive, and she also feels like a family member to me.

          I think that if you both chose a great partner in the first place and overall have had a supportive relationship, you do have a good chance of remaining warm friends, although (per the advice in the helpful, if admittedly hetero-normative, book *It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken*) you may find that you need a bit of separation from each other first to let some of the unhappy feelings become less sharp.

          Wishing the very best of luck to you both.

  26. Janet Pinkerton*

    Bathroom renovations.

    We are looking to hire someone to gut and redesign/redo our bathroom. It is our only bathroom. We live in a condo. We had a bad experience with a previous general contractor when we got washer-dryer hookups installed—it took forever and the finish work was really sub-par.

    Questions:

    How do you hire out for this project and trust the final product?
    Should we hire a designer separate from a contractor?
    It’s challenging to find contractors right now, from what I understand, and this is a small job. Any advice for navigating this?

    Part of the reason this needs to be done is water damage from the condo above us. Any advice for pursuing compensation from our upstairs neighbor? We’ve vaguely discussed it in the past but haven’t fixed it yet. She admits fault but she’s difficult in general so we’ve avoided it.

    Thank you!

    1. Meh*

      If you are hiring a designer you can get one that manages the contractor! This is the way I would go instead of getting to two separate people who have not worked together.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Don’t do anything until the problem upstairs is fixed. It’s like throwing money in a garbage can if that problem upstairs is not fixed.

      Maybe you can put a claim in with your insurance company and let your insurance company duke it out with her insurance company.

      Hiring a contractor. Fun times- NOT.
      Get referrals from friends and cohorts.
      Contractors book up FAST. Figure on this year as being lost and ask for people to plan on doing it over the winter or next year. Contractors are usually looking for work in the winter.
      Building materials are higher than ever so there may be advantages to waiting.

      As to getting a designer- I guess you’d what to think about your goals here. Do you want magazine beautiful? Or do you just want it DONE. Do you have an idea of what you want to put in or is everything a whirlwind for you?
      And a reality check-in, what does your budget allow for?

      If your job is a small job then you might want to consider smaller companies that are not interested in huge jobs anyway.

      1. Anono-me*

        Seconding checking with your homeowners insurance .
        1. The insurance company will probably pay for part or all of the repairs (depending on the type and degree of damage. )
        2. The insurance company will probably deal with the challenging neighbor and their insurance company.
        3. Most insurance companies have a list of recommended contractors. Contractors on an insurance company list tend to be good and responsible and timely, both because that is how the operate in general and because they want to continue to receive recommendations from the insurance company.

        (Also seconding getting the upstairs issue fixed first- you may also want to check in to what help is available from your association and bylaws.)

    3. Missb*

      We are doing a kitchen, so different scale and a bit easier to live without the facility than your case.

      But… we have cabinetry as part of the project and likely you do too. I went to a cabinet/floor/counter store. Not a big box store and not a custom cabinet shop. This place sells various cabinet lines. They have a “designer” on staff, and it was good enough for me. She was very thoughtful in her design and frankly the space is pretty limited so there weren’t a lot of ways she could lead me astray.

      Point is it was $250 for the design, refunded as part of the cabinet order. They have a list of installers they’ve vetted, and I found one that is definitely good (I’m going with inset cabinetry and it’s easy to find out whether they have experience).

      The cabinet shop designer coordinates with the installer. Both the designer and installer were onsite for the final measuring. I chose the counter from a local stone yard and the designer handles the coordination with the counter when the cabinets are installed.

      I’m acting as the general so I’m keeping a hand in the process. I could use the cabinet place for everything but I prefer to find certain things (like backsplash, sink, flooring).

      Maybe try to find a shop like that! I know I’m paying a slight premium for everything I buy through the cabinet place but it is cheaper than handing it all over to a general. As an aside, the installer *is* a general contractor so I can hire him to deal with some aspects if needed.

    4. Idyllic Gulag*

      If the original damage occurred due to a leak in an adjoining unit, contact your insurance company. Depending on circumstance and specifics, they may cover repairs and subrogate to either the other owner’s insurance or the HOA’s insurance. Make sure mitigation of any water damage was/is professionally performed, because this can cause serious health and structural issues down the line if it’s not properly done.

      Regarding reconstruction, if you have a clear idea of layout and finishes, hiring a contractor yourself may be the best idea. Ask for recommendations from those in your circle or search online for contractors that perform the work you’re looking for, and make sure to vet any contractor through your State licensing board and business registry (most have publicly-accessible databases). If initial meetings with a contractor don’t go well, there’s nothing wrong with looking elsewhere.

      Some firms competently handle design/build, but expect to pay a premium for good quality work on both fronts. In general, the average small residential contractor won’t be the best choice for the design stage, even if they advertise as D/B, and hiring a specialist for the design phase can pay dividends when it comes to the final product.

    5. bratschegirl*

      Since this is a condo, there will be at least two insurance companies involved; the master HOA policy, which covers the structure itself and is probably liable if there was something like a pipe that leaked inside the wall, and your own policy covering your personal belongings, and probably the walls and bath fixtures. Either of those companies will have the capacity to go after the upstairs neighbor’s insurance for whatever she’s individually responsible for. Your insurance may have lists of approved contractors, so that might be a place to start. You need to dive into your CC&Rs and figure out whether the HOA policy is responsible for any of this, and then file claims with one or both companies.

  27. allathian*

    Little joys thread!

    Share your big or small joys here.

    I had my first breast cancer screening a few weeks ago, and just got the results; everything’s as it should be. I’m lucky enough that free breast cancer screenings are offered to all breast-having people (including trans women who are or have been on estrogen regardless of whether they’ve had top surgery or not) every two years from 50 to 70. My mom got diagnosed at her first screening way back when, and my paternal grandmother had a double mastectomy in her late 60s before the screenings started, and my dad was diagnosed with stage II breast cancer and had some tissue removed in his late 60s, so I know I’m quite high risk. To say getting a good result was a relief is putting it mildly.

    1. StellaBella*

      I am glad for your joy! Glad all is OK!

      My little joy coming up is that I am taking Monday off, after a very long week at work. Today my joy is that I will do some gardening and have a call with a long distance friend, she is in Seattle, I am in Europe.

    2. Missb*

      Congrats on getting your first screening! I get an annual mammogram (since my 30s). I’m grateful that it is covered!

      My little joy is that I have drywall in my kitchen again! We tore out our kitchen on New Years day. We opted to gut it for a variety of reasons. The electrical inspection finished up two weeks ago and I called our drywall guy the next day. We’ve used him multiple times over the years, which is great in a pandemic when everyone is remodeling. He was on vacation last week, which had me concerned that I’d have contractors and guests here at the same time later this month.

      But no. He called me back Monday morning, came over on Tuesday to double check the details (he’d been out for a quote two months ago), had drywall delivered Wednesday and the install happened Thursday. He even sent a second crew out that day to start the mud/tape process and they came back Friday to finish the mud. They’ll be here early next week for sanding.

      But I have walls! It is so much lighter and brighter!

    3. fposte*

      Congratulations on your good scan!

      I went for the first kayak outing of the year, and it was great. I tested out neoprene wet pants and high ankle wet shoes, since I don’t like being cold but want to extend the season, and I don’t understand their sorcery but they definitely did their job. I love just putting my paddle down and listening to the sounds of the lake.

      Since COVID and the Great Resignation seem to have hit park staffing, I may be buying myself a kayak this year. I’m just doing short outings on quiet lakes, so I’m looking at 8-footers that I can squeeze into my hatchback. We will see!

      1. Lbd*

        Have you considered a roof rack or kayak rack for your car? That would expand your options to slightly longer kayaks. A lot of kayaks are pretty light weight and not too bad to maneuver onto the top of a vehicle. Either way, enjoy your kayaking!

        1. fposte*

          I have, and at least right now I don’t want a roof rack, basically :-). If I find that my interest in kayaking expands in a way that won’t be accommodated by the pocket-sized guys I’ll consider it then. Do you have a rack? What kind, and were you able to self-install?

    4. I take tea*

      My big little joy this week is standing under a big maple in bloom and listen to the sound of happy bumblebees and other pollinators. It feels like the tree is singing.

    5. ThatGirl*

      My husband applied for a new job two months ago and got a call about it yesterday! I know this is the no work thread but it reallly improved his mood. Also happy: the sun is finally out!

    6. Hotdog not dog*

      Things are really starting to burst into bloom. I’m really enjoying all the bright colors and sweet smells!

      1. Pam Adams*

        Jacaranda season is starting- those gorgeous clouds of purple make a great background for Commencement. (and a sticky mess wherever the flowers fall- don’t park under them!)

    7. the cat's ass*

      great news about your screening!
      My DD’s re-adoption papers came in, as did her passport.
      My DH got a great new job.
      We’re having dinner tonight with dear friends!

    8. Girasol*

      Going out on a volunteer job to check new plantings on a wildfire site. It was supposed to be stormy but the morning was sunny with puffy clouds, expansive views, meadowlarks, and of course good friends.

    9. RagingADHD*

      This is a weird one and tangentially work-related, but I’m relieved that my husband got a bad performance review this week.

      I am not glad about him being upset or blindsided. But the fact that this job has been drastically underpaying him the whole time he worked there (7+ years), and demanding that he work 7 days a week for the last 2 years, has been intensely frustrating and very hard on the family. Not to mention worries about the future — we have missed out on some prime earning years because he was mentally stuck there.

      He would halfheartedly job hunt from time to time, but had unrealistic standards, rarely applied for anything, and half-assed the applications when he did.

      In his mind, the job was a worthwhile tradeoff because a) they really appreciated him, b) nobody micromanaged him because nobody else could do his job, and c) he had flexibility to make his own schedule as long as the work got done.

      Now, getting criticized and reprimanded for being “disorganized” and “chronically tardy” made him feel betrayed and righteously indignant at what they have been demanding of him all this time.

      He has been diligently hunting down and applying to some really good jobs. He’s well qualified, and all of them would be life-changing pay increases. Some of them pay double what he’s making now.

      I am so happy and thankful for that bad review.

    10. WorkNowPaintLater*

      Hurray on getting a screening and having it come out good!

      Little joys – the sun finally came back out (been rainy all week) and have finally turned a corner enough on recovering from a med issue that I could take my weekly walk to the coffee shop.

    11. Rara Avis*

      My child has been onstage this week performing Seussical. The kids are killing it! Going to see it for the third time tonight, and my cousin is going to bring her 4yo daughter to see it. First theater experience for the little one!

    12. Jackalope*

      One of my best friends that I hadn’t seen since 2019 is in town for the next week and a half and I’m beside myself with joy.

    13. Yet Another Unemployed Librarian*

      My toddler son has decided that he likes little-kids-music-class after all, after a rough start in the first couple weeks. It’s a relief and a joy to watch him having fun with it. I am so glad we are able to access this lovely thing for him (and me!).

    14. Josephine Beth*

      One of my young adult children filed the official paperwork for a name change, and I am finally feeling like I am able to be genuinely supportive about it. (This isn’t a gender-related issue, just that they have a name that feels more right to them). I credit AAM for part of my growth in this area, and I am also deeply appreciative of my child’s patience with me as I worked through it. I’m now trying to think of some ways to acknowledge this change for them in a meaningful way.

      1. AGD*

        This is lovely! I tried to give myself a nickname in a fit of adolescent awkwardness once (think Amy instead of Amelia) and my parents kind of coldly shut that down so I went back to my given name – I might have eventually done so anyway, but it was hard to feel as if I had no room at all to experiment. I accepted it because I wasn’t a rebellious teenager, but it bothered me a bit afterward.

        Maybe some engraved jewellery for one or you or the other or both? Sometimes you can get one with all of your kids’ names stamped on little charms.

    15. AGD*

      My week at Non-Weekendy Place was excellent, and my favorite deli brought in some delicious options this week. Plus, my neighbor is making cookies and the whole hallway smells amazing. (No envy. If I make cookies, I eat them. All of them. Much too quickly.)

      1. allathian*

        I’m happy to see you posting again, Laura.

        Another little joy is the chocolate I got from work for my 50th birthday, lovely Swiss stuff that I rarely buy for myself. I turned 50 in March, but we had two days with the whole team at HQ (my team has members in several offices). I got the chance to meet several recently hired coworkers for the first time. We celebrated my birthday on the first day, and a coworker’s retirement on the second.

    17. Cool hip dancer*

      Big joy for me, I organized a contra dance, some friends played in the band, and there were lots of happy smiley dancer faces!
      A new achievement for me and people had a really good time – and so did I!

    18. Blomma*

      I paid off my car! I paid it off 6 months early too, so even better. Also, I am an amateur watercolorist and spent about 20 hours over the past few weeks creating a book of detailed paint swatches/info cards for each of my tubes of paint. I finally finished it this week!

  28. Love AAM*

    I’m not looking for advice; I only want to express gratitude. I discovered Ask a Manager about six months ago, and it is now part of my morning routine. I read it while I’m drinking my coffee. When I’m sufficiently awake, I do a Wordle and then Canuckle and then return to AAM to read some more. Thank you to Alison, the letter writers, and all of you for being part of my day and sharing your wisdom.

    1. fposte*

      I didn’t know there was a Canuckle! I will have to see how well I fare and send that to my Canadian friend.

  29. Batgirl*

    Does anyone have any pasta making tips? I’m gluten free, but love red lentil pasta which you can buy everywhere dried. I miss fresh egg pasta though, so I made a batch with eggs, oil and red lentil flour. I’m getting the hang of rolling it out even though it is so, so sticky. I made some linguine strips which held together well in the water but they seemed a bit too thick (I used a rolling pin and plenty of flouring to get it as flat as I could before it seemed to stick) and also it seemed a bit tasteless. I’m toying with getting a pasta machine but not sure about the taste issue at all.

    1. Cookies For Breakfast*

      I have a pasta machine (that a friend having a clearout gave me years ago), and don’t think I’d ever have tried making fresh pasta without it. Rolling it out by hand and ending up with overly thick strips was definitely a concern. The machine helps avoid that completely. I’m not a Jamie Oliver fan, but the rolling process in his “how to make fresh pasta” recipe works for me.

      On the “tasteless” point, when are you adding salt? I’d err on the side of using some in the pasta dough even when not recommended in the recipe. And of course, adding salt to the water you cook the pasta in (which you probably already do, but I know not everyone in every country does…I had to dish out some Mediterranean tough love to friends and flatmates when moving to the UK!).

      1. Batgirl*

        I salt my pasta water but maybe I don’t salt it enough? I was considering adding salt straight to the dough so it’s good to get a concurring opinion on that!

    2. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      The tastelessness is probably a salt issue.

      I think flour company websites usually have well-tested baking recipes (more so than blogs) so I’d look at Bob’s Red Mill or King Arthur for recipes.

    3. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      Also pasta machines are something you can probably get used for very cheap – either at like a Habitat or similar store or through Craigslist/Facebook Marketplace.

    4. BRR*

      Pasta dough needs to be very dry. Probably drier than you think will work. If you didn’t add salt, that’s very likely why it’s tasteless. Binging with babish on YouTube had an episode on gf pasta that I’d check out.

      1. Batgirl*

        I was dubious about your advice but I gave it a try and it was the very thing! GF baking has taught me to go easy on the flour, because most of my gluten free flour mixes have rice flour in, which is a recipe for dryness if you overdo it. Reminding myself that red lentil flour is actually pretty moist, I went overly liberal with the flour and I got the most pliable and smooth dough that was not dry at all!

    5. noface*

      My daughter is GF, and I’d love your recipe for red lentil pasta. I’ve never seen red lentil flour, but I do have chickpea flour, and she loves chickpea pasta (which we buy commercially here).

      2. Batgirl*

        Its just three ingredients! Eggs, olive oil and red lentil flour. I tried to post you a link to no avail, but it’s alpha foodie dot com /how-to-make-red-lentil-pasta (without spaces etc). It makes a really pliable, and easy to cook dough if you take the instruction to flour liberally very seriously! It also has instructions on drying the pasta for storage.

        1. Batgirl*

          Oh and I had to get the flour from Amazon; I had no luck with the usual health and world food shops.

    6. pancakes*

      I’m not gluten-free, to be clear, but I wonder if you’d have better luck with rice flour or very finely milled corn flour. Lentil seems too high-protein to approximate the silky texture of fresh egg pasta, and rice flour noodles do have a nice texture in Asian dishes. I recently read about a gluten-free pasta restaurant that opened in my city that people seemed really happy with (Senza Gluten NYC), and I just checked their menu and all their pastas seem to be made with corn. I’m assuming it’s more like 00 semolina than polenta in texture.

      1. Batgirl*

        I do like those types of pastas when I visit restaurants and it’s good that they’re easy to get. At home, we prefer red lentil, because of the taste, and it is actually very soothing to my partner’s IBS; most pastas make him bloat. I wanted to try making him a lasagna with it, as most gf lasagna sheets are made of corn and rice. I will probably learn how to make pasta shapes too – they’ve just discontinued our favourite Italian brand of red lentil strozapretti, alas.

        1. pancakes*

          Shapes sound fun! I’ve never tried red lentil pasta and now I’m curious to. We did try chickpea pasta because a neighbor ordered a case of it early in the pandemic and gave us some, and we were not fans. We like chickpeas and panisse, etc., a lot but the pasta was a bit cardboard-y.

  30. Detective Rosa Diaz*

    I have just started on our yard – we moved last summer and now have a small (very small) yard which was completely paved. I removed about 20m2 of deck stones, sowed a short-growing flower mix, and put plants on the border that won’t be used when the roof gets reno’ed. Veryyyyy excited- how many days/weeks until I know for sure it is starting to grow?? Worried I did it wrong.

    The carport has a small wisteria next to it now, I put a magnolia on the drive, and the border has loads of still-small climbers – passiflora, Virginia creeper, honeysuckle, beans and peas. Also a beautiful yellow azalea

    2. Girasol*

      Depends on how warm the weather is. In spring weather I estimate about two weeks. Sometimes I’m surprised and it’s one. Occasionally they take just a little longer. You picked up 20 square meters of pavers! What a job that must have been!

      1. Detective Rosa Diaz*

        They were loose on the stabilised sand and quite small but I did it leisurely over the course of three days and it was actually very satisfying! So nice to do a physical repetitive task with very concrete immediate results!

    3. Esmeralda*

      Your shrubs and perennials may or may not bloom this year. Water them as directed. The “rule” with perennials is Year 1 sleep, Year 2 creep, Year 3 leap!

      You will also find out if things are planted where they’re happy…my rule is, first time they die, maybe there was some reason just this time; second time, the plant is in the wrong place…

      If you are a journaling sort, you could keep track in a gardening journal what you planted where, when things come up, what never comes up, what comes up then keels over; if you can observe when the various locations get sun/shade, that is helpful too.

      And, I don’t know where you live, but if it’s the U.S. South, keep a sharp eye on that wisteria. It can be a thug. (I love it, but I won’t have it in my yard.)

      1. Detective Rosa Diaz*

        Oooh, what’s up with wisteria? I live in Western Europe in a temperate climate.

        1. RagingADHD*

          If it’s too happy it goes wild and becomes invasive. Drowns fences, kills trees, etc. If you don’t see untended lots of land covered in wisteria and dead trees, you’re probably fine. It is tame when the environmental conditions restrict it.

  31. curly sue*

    Can anyone recommend some books for a very particular teen?

    Every year (pre-Covid) I’ve sent Eldest to sleepover camp with a bag of surprise books that I think she’ll like. Some have been big hits, some have been equally big misses, but I need to start figuring out this year’s list and I’m at a bit of a loss.

    The factors involved:

    – Her reading level is very high, but emotional age is somewhat low (ADHD). She has absolutely zero interest in books about complicated human feelings.

    – She identifies as Aro/Ace and has no interest in books where a crush or romance is central to the main plot.

    – She has zero interest in anything with a real-world setting. No high school drama books, no YA romances, no “my best friend said I’m not her best friend and here’s how that summer went” emotions-lessons-for-teens books.

    – She feels she’s grown out of MG books (Warrior Cats, for example)

    – I will not buy anything related to JK Rowling, and she concurs.

    – I’ve tried her on a bunch of the big names in YA fantasy, to mixed results. Golden Compass got a resounding “Meh.” (direct quote.) Diane Duane’s Young Wizards was “okay,” the cat books in the same universe were better received.

    – I was reading Anne McCaffrey at that age, but those books did NOT age well. I handed her a stack of the old Valdemar books (Mercedes Lackey) and she hasn’t touched them.

    – She loves fantasy, but primarily fantasy world books where the main characters are animals. Her biggest interest is Tui Sutherland’s Wing of Fire books, but she owns everything produced for this universe. We’re at the stage where she’s pre-ordering everything the moment the preorder link drops. Which is great – don’t misunderstand me! I just need to find another 15-book dragon-centric series with similar writing so that I can get her something new to read…

    – The one big exception is that she loves (and already owns) all the Rick Riordan Presents series, and is especially fond of the Aru Shah books. She enjoyed the other Rick Riordan series, more for the mythological settings and backstories than the actual main characters. She owns and does reread Shria Glassman’s Mangoverse books (fluffy fantasy with a Jewish world background).

    Tamora Pierce is already on my list to try this year, and I’m eyeballing Seraphina (Rachel Hartman) and Wicked Fox (Kat Cho). Any other suggestions?

    2. Lemon*

      I don’t remember it too well so not sure if the romance was central to the story, but what about The Hunger Games? You may already have tried it since you mentioned she’s read the popular YA fantasy books but just wanted to put it out there. This is a very cool gift and you’re an awesome parent for putting this together (every year!)

      1. curly sue*

        Zero interest in the Hunger Games – “I don’t want to read sad books about kids killing each other.” Artemis Fowl bombed for similar reasons (“he’s not a fun person to spend time with.”) Lemony Snicket got “ehhh… they’re okay.”

        And thanks! My mom did that for me when I went to camp – every year there’d be a mysterious bag in my duffel when I opened it in the cabin – and it’s been a tradition I’ve usually enjoyed recreating! I’m just running into a wall this year, since it seems like the topics at her reading level are veering from her tastes… that or I’m not looking at the right authors.

    3. AY*

      Garth Nix’s Sabriel would probably fit the bill! It’s fantasy, not too difficult reading level-wise, is a series with spinoffs, and has a cool magic system (necromancy based). There’s a little bit of romance, but it’s really minor.

      1. curly sue*

        Ooh, that’s a thought. Added to the list! Thank you!

        I should also note that she is a gamer – we have a monthly D&D campaign where she plays a gnome shai’ir (Al Qadim setting), so books with gamer humour / fantasy game style humour have the potential to land well.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          In that case, I just recently read a new release, Legends and Lattes by Travis Baldree. It’s about, basically, a D&D-esque adventurer who retired from adventuring to the local big city and opened up a coffee shop and found herself a chosen family while she was at it, but of course shenanigans ensue as well.

        2. Nemo*

          Maybe 5he Second Age of Retha books by A. M. Sohma would be an option? The main character is stuck inside a game because of a server failure and has to find a way to rescue herself and the other players. Minimal romance, currently three books and really well written.

        3. AGD*

          Nancy Werlin has a newish book about D&D players! I haven’t read it, but I’ve liked the other YA novels of hers that I’ve read.

          1. curly sue*

            Is that ‘Zoe Rosenthal is not Lawful Good’? The summary makes it sound a bit coming-of-age-ish but the fandom content might be an appealing hook. Any idea if the character is Jewish on-page, or is it just her name?

            1. AGD*

              That’s the one! A really good question – I’m not sure (though I hope so!).

    4. Princess Deviant*

      Darren Shan – might be a bit young for her age, but I read them and I’m in my 40s. I think they’re great.

      1. curly sue*

        The summaries I just skimmed don’t mention any female main characters – is it all male leads?

    5. A.N. O'Nyme*

      Would Terry Pratchett’s Discworld work? Especially the Tiffany Aching ones, they’re aimed at younger audiences’ or the ones focusing on Rincewind which kind of satisfy the non-human main character requirement (I think we can all agree the Luggage is the real star there). If memory serves even the books that have romance in them don’t have romance as the central theme, it’s just kind of there.

      1. curly sue*

        I’ve spotted her reading my old copy of Reaper Man, so maybe? I’ve been thinking about the Tiffany Aching books. (I’m an Unseen University person myself, and a lot of the later books seem to be jokes based on references she wouldn’t get. Maskerade only really makes sense once you’ve seen Phantom, for instance.)

        1. UKDancer*

          I love the ones with Susan Sto Helit especially Hogfather. No romance in that one and Death is brilliant.

        2. Charlotte Lucas*

          I recently read the Tiffany Aching series, & it doesn’t require that type of pop culture knowledge. And there are lots of great female characters.

    6. Emma2*

      I read Dune around that age and loved it (although I did not have the same list of preferences as your daughter).
      If she has not read it, I think Lois Lowry’s book The Giver is fantastic – I have not re-read it as an adult, but have heard from others that it aged well.
      Has she read A Wrinkle in Time? My recollection is that it is probably aimed at a slightly younger age, but might still be appealing (again, I have not re-read this as an adult, so am not sure how it has aged).

      1. curly sue*

        She does love a Wrinkle in Time – we have the books, graphic novels, and the DVD of the recent movie. We have Dune, and she was uninterested; too heavy on the space politics. I’ve never read The Giver, but I’ll look into it! Thanks!

        2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          On the off-chance she was interested in the Dune world and it was just the politics that got in the way, some of the spinoff Dune series written by Brian Herbert and Kevin Anderson are way more approachable – more storytelling, less Anvils of Epic Political Theory. To me, Frank Herbert and JRR Tolkien kinda fall into the same bucket – they were both excellent world builders, but kind of clunky writers, and I think other people have done better jobs at telling stories in their worlds than they did directly. (/unpopular opinion :) )

          1. curly sue*

            Dune in general definitely did not appeal. I think it was too remote from the characters, and she couldn’t find a hook to relate.

    7. Miel*

      How about Terry Pratchett? Your kid might be into his young adult series, such as “The Amazing Maurice and his Educated Rodents.” I believe that the main characters in this book are animals, and Terry Pratchett typically doesn’t have romance in his books.

      (“Going Postal” is one of my personal favorites, but it’s (1) more geared towards adults and (2) about people.)

      1. curly sue*

        I’m thinking about the Tiffany Aching books; I didn’t realize he’d done an animal-POV series as well. I’ll look into it!

    8. Miel*

      Ok this might be a little young for her, but “Mrs. Frisbee and the Rats of NIMH” is a delightful book! It’s about rats and mice who build a whole civilization. Takes place in a sort of fantasy sub-world of the real world.

      1. curly sue*

        It’s definitely on the too-young side for her now, and she found it ‘weird and creepy.’ Redwall also got a big old No. Tailchaser’s Song got put down halfway through and never picked up again.

        Warrior Cats, on the other hand… she has an entire bookcase for her Warrior Cats books. But she’s declared that they’re getting boring and repetitive, so I’m not going to bother picking up the new arcs.

        1. Laura H.*

          Shucks, I was gonna suggest the Redwall books. I’m 31 and I still don’t think I’ve read them all.

          Nth-ing “The Giver”, however.

        2. allathian*

          My almost 13 year old son loves the Warrior Cats books. He’s on the 6th of the first arc and he got the first book as a Christmas present. That said, he did read The Hobbit and LotR before starting on those, and LotR took almost a year to complete so it was probably a bit difficult for his reading level at the time.

    9. Panda (she/her)*

      I came here to say Tamora Pierce! Loved her books at that age. If she is okay with slightly darker fantasy, she could also try the Abhorsen series (don’t recall the author) and possibly Artemis Fowl books. I just packed up my bookshelf otherwise I would have gone browsing for more!

      1. curly sue*

        I gave her the first Artemis Fowl book in a camp book bag a couple of years ago, and that was one of the misses – she’s not interested in reading more of the series.

    10. CTT*

      Has she tried any Diana Wynne Jones? Thinking on the romance issue, a lot of her books have no romance, or if it does, it’s not central and there’s no huge declarations of love or kissing (the two big exceptions being Howl’s Moving Castle and Fire & Hemlock (neither of which I particularly like, and now I’m wondering if that’s part of it?)). None of them have main characters that are animals, but animals do feature prominently in a lot of her books (mostly in the Chrestomanci books). She may also like “Tough Guide to Fantasyland,” which is set up as a guidebook to a stereotypical fantasy book setting and is a really good (but loving!) send-up of the genre.

      1. UKDancer*

        Diana Wynne Jones is brilliant. I reread them regularly despite being an adult and them being geared for children. I love Witch Week and Magicians of Caprona the best. Tale of Time City is also good. Most of hers don’t have massive amounts of romance.

        I also didn’t like Fire and Hemlock either. I much preferred the Chrestomanci books.

      2. Dark Macadamia*

        I was going to recommend her too! I loved The Dalemark Quartet – the books all connect but take place across different time periods. First 2 are boy MCs and second 2 are girls, and only the last book has romance.

      3. TangerineRose*

        I also recommend Diana Wynne Jones. I don’t like “Fire & Hemlock” either, but she wronte a lot of great books.

      4. Amey*

        DWJ is my absolute favourite. I’d recommend The Dark Lord of Derkholm for your daughter’s particular preferences, although I agree with the Dalemark recommendation as well. Derkholm is pitched slightly older.

    11. Llellayena*

      I agree with the Tamora Pierce. Start with Wild Magic if she’s into the animals. If you want to give her an easy in into the Valdemar series, try Oathbound. The main character is ace (though it’s not really by genetics/birth). There’s another more recent one with a truly ace character, but it would be a difficult one to start with without the backstory. Anne McCaffrey had a couple other series that might work, try Decision at Doona (there are cat people!). The Magician’s Guild by Trudi Canavan is romance-free, though they introduce a romance by book 3. I also find sci-fi to have a wide range of non-human characters. The Faces of Ceti introduces a kangaroo-like race. Ender’s Game has an insect race and the sequel, Children of the Mind, has a marsupial-like race (but those do get very intellectual). But in general, sci-fi might work. Oh, if you can find it, The Cat who Went to Heaven is a good short read as is No One Noticed the Cat.

      1. curly sue*

        Sadly, despite my plugging of Tarma as a great character, ‘Oathbound’ has been one of the books gathering dust next to her desk for the past two months.

        I loved Anne McCaffrey in the 80s and 90s, but her regressive ideas about gender and sexuality just will not fly these days. I don’t remember if I ever read Decision at Doona, or if it has some of the weird Pern-esque ‘men are only gay because they were assaulted’ ideas in it, but in general her style isn’t a road I really think Eldest will be happy with. For similar reasons to the JKR ban, I will not be buying any books written by Orson Scott Card.

        She’s generally not into sci-fi, though we do have quite a bit of it around the house. I’ve never tried Trudi Canavan, but I’ll put her books on my list to look into! Thanks!

        1. allathian*

          It’s been years since I last read Decision at Doona, but I don’t remember any gay characters at all. The main character is a restless (probably ADHD although it’s never explicitly said) young preteen or teen boy, so there’s no romance, who helps humans and Hrrubans (cat people) understand each other better. The Hrrubans are a hoot and a half, though. There are also two sequels, Crisis on Doona, and Treaty at Doona. That said, the Doona books are sci-fi rather than fantasy.

      1. Shiara*

        Naomi Novak’s Temeraire series might be a good place to start if she likes dragons and low romance.

    13. Falling Diphthong*

      We recommend Murderbot a lot here, but Murderbot is agender and asexual and finds human emotions and anything with body fluids off-putting.

      The Martian by Andy Weir is mostly about one guy alone on Mars solving technical problems. My whole family loved it.

      Along the Riordan lines, I’d check Esther Friesner for YA based in mythology, e.g. Nobody’s Princess about a young Helen.

      The 10,000 Doors of January might appeal? About a girl who can open doors between worlds.

      1. JustForThis*

        I also thought of both the Murderbot series and Andy Weir (The Martian and Project Hail Mary), as both have atypical approaches to human relationships in stories; Murderbot reflects on this difference, the Weir novels are just not interested in focussing on human relationships. Murderbot might be too violent for a 15-year-old, and Andy Weir is all male leads, however.

        Thirding Tamora Pierce, though most of her novels do have some romance. What about Zusak’s The Book Thief? And picking up on the mythology theme: there was a thread recently on adaptations / retellings of mythological stories recently (last weekend, I think) which might be helpful.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Andy Weir’s Artemis has a female lead! Heist caper set in a lunar colony, lead/POV character is a youngish (early 20s I think) woman of color. (The audiobook is narrated by Rosario Dawson.)

        2. name goes here*

          The Martian is great, but I’d strongly recommend against Project Hail Mary, not only because it has all male leads but also because it’s not great on gender generally. Defaults to male pronouns for aliens of unknown gender, portrays the one female character as a largely unethical (amoral) utilitarian who does terrible things and never really has a conscience about it. It’s way overrated.

      2. Still*

        I was going to recommend Andy Weir. They’re real page-turners, there’s very little human interaction but the main characters have a ton of personality, and the books have that satisfying problem-solution structure that I think is even more appealing to people with ADHD (just based on the experience of some of my friends, might not be true in general!)

        Becky Chambers’ Wayfarer series is also sci-fi and deals a bit more with the general issue of being a person in the world, but there’s a lot of fun world-building and many species and cultures that don’t subscribe to our ideas about gender, sexuality, family, religion, and many other categories. I recommend Wayfarer to anyone who will listen.

        1. curly sue*

          I’m fairly sure they read some of The Martian in English class, actually. I’ll have to ask!

    14. Of midelan*

      I love all tamora pierce! Maybe look at robin mckinley and Ursula vernon. If you can find vernon’s graphic novel Digger, it would check the animal main characters, fantasy setting, no romance boxes, but it was primarily a webcomic and had a limited print run.

      Maybe look at how well the lackley books aged? I remeber one particular scene in Magic’s price I wouldn’t consider great for a teen, and honestly it put me off all of her books

    15. Pocket Mouse*

      I’m on board with your decision to not buy any Rowling books. Just a note that if she might be interested in reading them still, I’ve seen a few sets become available in Buy Nothing groups or other free book exchange locations.

      1. curly sue*

        It’s not just the money – she’s read them and we’ve talked about the content. Also we’re Jewish, and seeing things like the banking goblins (especially with what’s been done with them in the latest video game) is really quite painful.

        1. A.N. O'Nyme*

          Yeah, the older I get the more I notice how bad she is with diversity – even just within her own work she keeps claiming Slytherin isn’t inherently bad and then never actually shows that. And the more you learn about other cultures the more you realise any mythology outside of English mythology got the bare minimum of research (it’s painfully obvious that all she knows about Queen Medb is that she’s Irish and was probably the inspiration for Queen Mab).

          1. A.N. O'Nyme*

            And of course that’s not even touching upon all the other stuff that has been confirmed recently…

          2. curly sue*

            And her treatment of First Nations … *everything* was appalling. Yeah. I know ‘death of the author’ is a hill some folks will die on, but often their politics show up in their worldbuilding and can cause damage regardless.

            1. A.N. O'Nyme*

              The mildly funny thing about people who will die on the “death of the author” hill are usually misinterpreting it to begin with, but that probably brings the discussion too far.

          3. Irish Teacher*

            Yes, looking from Ireland the Queen Maeve thing was…odd. Not offensive or anything, just…”that’s what you got from Irish mythology?”

    16. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Seanan McGuire’s Wayward Children series (starts with “Every Heart a Doorway”) might do the trick? It’s a series of portal fantasies – stories about children who go through doors into other worlds, but then end up back in the “real world” and have to readjust, and go to a boarding school for kids in the same situation. It alternates between sort of mystery books set at the school and stories about what the kids experienced in their other door worlds, which feature things like centaurs and mermaids. There’s a lot of varying LGBTQ representation throughout the series, including a main character in the first book (I believe) that is specifically ace/aro, which is not something you see in a lot of fiction at all.

      Also possibly “A Natural History of Dragons” by Marie Brennan – that’s the first book in a five book series that’s written as sort of a memoir by a bluestocking noblewoman in a steampunk Victorian-ish world with dragons, which she has spent her life studying and is now memoir-ing about. There is vague romance in that she got married a couple times, but it’s incidental, definitely not central. (Also, you mention a Jewish world background in another series – if that was being identified as a plus, the world in this series has a dominant religion that is recognizably Jewish-oriented, with also some Islamic representation.) I loved these so much I read all five in like, a day and a half. :)

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        (My brain is yelling at me about the phrasing of “if that was being identified as a plus” – permit me to clarify that I meant “as a plus” in the sense that you mentioned it because it was a specific appeal, rather than a neutral fact that you just happened to mention, and I of course do not intend to suggest that world-building using aspects of Judaism as a dominant religion should ever be viewed as a MINUS as long as it’s done respectfully.)

        1. curly sue*

          LOL! I appreciate your care with your words- the Jewish background is an absolute plus for us. It’s very rare to find familiar holidays and ethical backgrounds in fantasy, and Shira Glassman is one of the only fluffy-fantasy authors I know writing in a space like that.

          1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            My husband used to LARP with Marie Brennan many many years ago, and his recollection was that she was at the very least culturally Jewish, though he didn’t recall how actively religious she was.

      2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        You might also look at “The Up-and-Under” series, first book “Over the Woodward Wall” by Deborah Baker (who is Seanan McGuire under a different name) – two kids on their way to school one morning find a random wall that wasn’t there before and climb over it and find themselves on adventures in a new fantastical world with non-human and differently-human folk. They’re preteens (so no romance), but it’s not written as a kid’s book. The second one is “Along the Saltwise Sea” and I believe it’s planned to be a trilogy, though the third one isn’t out until October.

    17. Hlao-roo*

      She might like the Pendragon series by D. J. MacHale. It’s about a teenager traveling through space and time to battle evil on different planets/universes. Very little romance as far as I remember. The fifth book in the series, Black Water takes place on a planet ruled by talking cats.

      For animal-centered books, has she read Watership Down by Richard Adams? It’s about rabbits searching for a new place to start a warren. No romance, because all of the rabbits are male.

      The Spiderwick Chronicals are a series about siblings who stumble upon a fantasy world in their backyard. The main characters are 9 and 13, so the books might be too young for a 15-year-old.

      Because she likes dragons, have you looked into the Eragon series? I haven’t read them but a lot of my friends did and they liked the series.

      1. Not A Manager*

        My kids read Garth Nix’s Keys To The Kingdom series about the same time as the Pendragon books, and liked them both. Keys To The Kingdom also involves a boy protagonist with a plucky female side-kick going into a new fantasy location per book in order to complete one seven-book-long quest. The fantasy world is highly detailed and very compelling. (Needs more dragons.)

      2. Cruciatus*

        I came here to specifically recommend Pendragon! I read them in my 20s to early 30s and loved them. My mom liked them, my sister liked them, my best friend liked them, and her kids liked them. There isn’t much romance. It’s been a while since I read them and there was a little bit of the main character having a crush on another character but it is not at all a main focus for long. But they are about a teenage boy. The books are mostly written in letter form–in letters Bobby Pendragon sends back to his friends on Earth through flumes telling them how he’s trying to find the evil Saint Dane (who jumps from world to world, blends in, trying to disrupt that universe). And best of all–all the books are out now so no waiting for the next one!

        Another I really enjoy and have been reading the latest spinoff, is The Ranger’s Apprentice by John Flanagan. Will is selected to become a ranger’s apprentice, which is one of the mysterious jobs. His friends are selected for more “normal” things like knight apprentice, courier, diplomat, etc. We follow him as Halt teaches him the ways of being a ranger and read about the missions they go on to protect their kingdom.

    18. saradactyl*

      She might like Leigh Barduo. The original Grisha trilogy is meh, but Six of Crows and Crooked Kingdom are excellent.

    19. Didi*

      A bit of a long shot but has she tried The Silver Brumby by Elaine Mitchell? It is not fantasy but the main character is a realistic horse and Man is the enemy. I’ve only found the first one digitally but there’s a whole series.

    20. Anima*

      Have you two tried Inkheart oder Dragon Rider by Cornelia Funke? I ate those up at that age and I do not recall much lovey-dovey stuff. It handles love in a very different way than romantic.
      The later Inkheart books deal heavily with loss, the first one also works as a standalone in my opinion.
      (I’ve re-read Cornelia Funke in my 20s and still loved her old stuff, didn’t like her new stuff, though.)

      1. Still*

        I love Inkheart! It’s really magical.

        Speaking of fantasy, Brandon Sanderson has written like a million brick-sized hard-fantasy books that usually have fun and interesting approaches to magic, and the plot tends to come together in a satisfying way. There’s some romance but it’s not usually the main focus. I think Mistborn is a good book to start with.

    21. Elf*

      Try the Temeraire series by Naomi Novik. It’s nine books, and it’s the Napoleonic Wars but with dragons, I suspect it will be a hit.

      2. curly sue*

        ‘A Deadly Education’ by Novik got recommended upthread – between that, the Temeraire series, and Spinning Silver, which would be a better introduction?

        1. Forgotten username*

          I think Spinning Silver (although I can’t remember how strong the romance element was in that book). It’s a standalone. Novik has also written Uprooted, another standalone, so you could look at the summaries of both of these books and see if you think one might appeal to your teen.

          I read the entire Temeraire series and loved it, but it did take a bit for me to get into the first book because the main characters are old adults in a stiff historical setting with dragons that behave like toddlers. From what you’ve said about your teen’s preferences, she might put it down before she gets far enough into it too enjoy.

          And I liked the first Scholomance book although there were a lot of critics of Novik’s racism, but I didn’t even get halfway through the second book in the series before I dropped it, because I found it dull and just a bunch of kids talking to each other with nothing happening and no character development.

    22. fueled by coffee*

      The second book in Mackenzie Lee’s “Gentleman’s Guide” series, “The Lady’s Guide to Pirates and Petticoats,” features an ace main character going on adventures and might fit the bill (the first book is also delightful, but romance is a more central plot line – though still plenty of adventure).

      I read Scott Westerfeld’s Leviathan series around that age – steampunk alternate history WWI, with several prominent animals featured though the main characters are human. There’s some understated romance, but about the same level as what’s in Percy Jackson.

    23. Teatime is Goodtime*

      I will read everything and everything from Patricia Mckilkip. She has a beautiful fairy tale style filled with mystery and yet very relatable people and scenarios. My favorite is Od Magic. Some have romance elements, but not all of them.

    24. Ranon*

      If her reading level is high I would maybe lean more towards adult than YA, YA is so many feelings so much of the time! An exception, T Kingfisher, specifically Minor Mage and a Wizard’s Guide to Defensive Baking. In YA that’s aged well (and is full of pragmatic, action oriented characters), Patrica C Wrede’s Enchanted Forest Chronicles and Susan Cooper’s Dark is Rising. Martha Wells is a delight, not only Murderbot but her earlier fantasy stuff as well (with dragons!). Lois McMaster Bujold’s Penric’s Demon series, maybe. Patricia A McKillip writes beautiful dreamy fantasy that’s relatively low on the romantic entanglements side.

      1. Koala dreams*

        I was thinking that too, YA really tends to focus a lot on “complicated human feelings”. Also, at that age books for adults feel novel and interesting.

        If she reads science fiction, perhaps something by John Scalzi?

      2. Gingerblue*

        Seconding the T Kingfisher–I was scanning the thread to see if anyone had mentioned these yet. I might add Bryony and Roses to the list for a fairytale retelling (Beauty and the Beast) from which the romance has been deliberately removed. Possibly also Castle Hangnail (same author, but under the name Ursula Vernon). Her stuff ranges from illustrated children’s books (as Vernon) to explicit romances (as T. Kingfisher), so definitely be selective.

    25. Lady Alys*

      If a webcomic (with printed books on offer too) is an option, maybe Girl Genius? (Kaja and Phil Foglio) There is *some* romance, but otherwise it’s a lot of steampunk Mad Science with fun art. It might be a little old for her, but I’m a terrible judge of that – my grade-school kids read and re-read the books until the pages had to be held together with binder clips.

      And I will always go to bat for Terry Pratchett! The City Watch books are my favorite – again, some romance, but not standard-issue, if there is such a thing…and SO funny.

    26. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

      Kenneth Oppel’s Airborn series might fit the bill. It’s about a cabin boy on a dirigible, and there are pirates, exporting a new island, and finding a new species of animal. There is a love interest, but its mostly them doing things together, not being shmoopy.

      Oppel also has a series where bats are the main characters, but I didn’t enjoy it so much.

      E.E. Knight’s Dragoneer Acadamy is also excellent. It’s about a human girl, not a dragon, but the dragons are also characters in their own rights.

    27. Malarkey01*

      Marissa Meyer Renegade trilogy was a big hit with my early teens. It’s a world where there are people with superhero powers and “good/bad” guys except the good guys may not really be good and the bad guys may not be mad. The synopsis reads goofy to me compared to how the books went. Our local library had a long waiting list when each of these came out and said they were loved by that “harder to find things they liked group”.

    28. Former Voracious Reader*

      I’m definitely seconding Garth Nix; he builds really interesting fantasy worlds. The Abhorsen Series (starts with Sabriel) mostly has the romances be tangential. And I don’t remember any romance in The Keys to the Kingdom at all. The Left-Handed Booksellers of London is more urban fantasy, so it might not be her thing, but one of the main characters (and the love interest) is genderfluid.

      The Last Unicorn might be good. It’s sort of a meta fairytale and the main character is a unicorn. She winds up traveling with a bumbling wizard named Schmendrick who has been cursed with immortality. There is romance towards the end, but there’s a disconnect to it (due to the pair being a human and an immortal unicorn).

      I’ve seen Eragon get recommended here and that could be good too. It’s a bit formulaic, but the world is fun and magic system is interesting.

      This isn’t fantasy, but as an ace person I’ve always had a fondness for the original ACD Sherlock Holmes stories. And Neil Gaiman’s Sherlock Holmes – Cthulhu Mythos crossover A Study in Emerald is also top-tier (though better if you’ve read a lot of the ACD stuff first).

      If she likes the Rick Riordan books and especially the mythology, maybe get her some good mythology books.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I have recommended a thousand times, and probably won’t ever stop, Stephen Fry’s Greek mythology trilogy for people who are interested in the topic. The first one is Mythos, second is Heroes and the third one is about the Trojan War (and I believe the Odyssey). His writing style is very conversational and approachable, which is done well both from a reading standpoint and also because he narrates the audiobook versions himself and the conversational style translates to audiobook very well. (I have read books by some folks, Trevor Noah springs to mind, where I think the audio would have been much better but their delivery style didn’t quite land in written form.)

        1. curly sue*

          We have Mythos around here somewhere, and I have the Sherlock Holmes collections. I might put those under her elbow and see what happens.

      2. Former Voracious Reader*

        Forgot to mention this earlier, but Garth Nix also has a book called Angel Mage that’s very much his fantasy reimagining of The Three Musketeers where none of the four main characters are romantically interested in each other (only one has a love interest iirc and even that’s very minor).

    29. beep beep*

      Is your teen me at that age? I did have a taste for Artemis Fowl, though. Some that might not have been recommended yet:

      -The Roar by Emma Clayton; it’s sci-fi, about a dystopian future where a new virtual reality game is all the rage with the kids. It focuses around a pair of twins who’ve been separated.

      -the Croak trilogy by Gina Damico; modern fantasy about a troubled teen whose parents send her away to stay with her uncle, who teaches her how to be a soul reaper. There may be a little romance from what I remember, but focuses on the plot. Spiders are heavily involved/a plot point, so watch out for arachnophobes, and the third book has some heavy themes.

      -The Scorpio Races by Maggie Stiefvater; 1920s-ish historical fantasy about a girl who lives on an island where murder horses come out of the sea every November and people race them. The author has a couple other popular YA series, but they’re more modern/romance-focused and I didn’t like them as much.

    30. Suprisingly ADHD*

      The Redwall Series by Brian Jacques is all animals, in a medieval setting. There’s a lot of battles, and it can get a bit intense, so be aware if you decide to try them. Two of the books have animated tv shows that could give you an idea of whether she’d like it.

      The Enchanted Forest Chronicles by Patricia C Wrede is pure fantasy, the main plot of the first book is that a princess goes and asks a dragon to kidnap her so she can avoid being married. There’s magic, and plots to overthrow a king, and some degree of silliness too. There is a romance, but it’s not central to the plot of the series (they do get married but they still go on separate adventures and their relationship is closer to best friend than to anything mushy or lovey-dovey.

      She could also try Terry Pratchett’s Discworld series. No talking animals, but still fantasy. Check out the descriptions of different books, some of them are closer to real life while others are more fanciful.

    31. Bagpuss*

      Diana Wynne Jones? She might like ‘Dogsbody’ (which features a (sort of) dog, and ‘The Dark Lord of Derkholm’ which plays with lots of fantasy tropes and has a griffin as one of the characters.
      Neil Gaiman – Coraline or The Graveyard Book
      I like Stephanie Burgis- the dragon with a chocolate heart, or Raven Heir, both of which have shapeshifters
      She might enjoy T Kingfisher’s ‘A Wizard’s Guide to Defensive Baking’

      1. curly sue*

        Dark Lord of Derkholm might be right up her alley. I’ll see if I can find it!

        2. Amey*

          Ahh, I recommended Dark Lord of Derkholm above too, I definitely think it would suit her tastes. Even has griffins who are brothers and sisters to the human characters.

    32. Dark Macadamia*

      Try “Fire Bringer” or other David Clement-Davies books. They’re animal fantasy along the lines of a deer born to fulfill a prophecy, wolf with an unusual gift, etc.

    33. NeonFireworks*

      Seraphina is wonderful!

      Sherwood Smith comes to mind. The trilogy beginning with Wren to the Rescue is a lively fantasy adventure with plenty of central female characters, and some interesting animal stuff, and far more friendship than romance (I appreciated this too).

      Naomi Novik’s Spinning Silver tears ‘Rumpelstiltskin’ and its old antisemitic undertones to shreds and reassembles it into something astonishing, led by a trio of fascinating young women from very different backgrounds. Uprooted is good too.

      Sharon Shinn, possibly. I loved her YA trilogy that begins with The Safe-Keeper’s Secret – lively and interesting.

      Ursula K. LeGuin’s YA trilogy that starts with Gifts, maybe – there’s some romance, but it builds on deep friendships.

      1. AGD*

        Am Jewish, loved Spinning Silver! Both on its own terms and for the rare representation in fantasy. (I’m also super-white in terms of appearance, name, etc. so I benefit from racial privilege and haven’t often felt like no one in the books I read was like me in any way – but Spinning Silver made it obvious how many characters in speculative fiction don’t have that particular commonality.)

      2. M*

        Second Sharon Shinn. They do skew a little romantic but the mystic and rider series will forever be my comfort reading.

    34. Book Recs*

      Greenglass house series by Kate Milford! No romance, super natural elements, D&D-like role playing by the characters. Start with Greenglass House. Such a wonderful, immersive set of books.

      1. Smol Book Wizard*

        So very very seconded. I recommend this series and all its relatives whenever I can.

    36. Been There*

      Maybe she’d enjoy The Underland Chronicles by Suzanne Collins? It’s about a world of giant animals below NYC.

    37. Law Student*

      At her age, I was similarly annoyed with the “my best friend said I’m not her best friend anymore” options and that’s when I got into the classics. My first thought was Sherlock Holmes—the original stories are a fun ride with very little romance and I also always kind of viewed fiction set in another time as a type of fantasy because it’s a different world. I have a complete Sherlock that I read cover to cover in high school. There’s also Lord of the Rings, of course, and The Three Musketeers/Count of Monte Cristo.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin*

        I love these suggestions! My mind went to classic mysteries and adventure books as well. On the mystery side, I really like the Nero Wolfe books. I started reading them around age 10 and am still re-reading them decades later. Although I am not a fan of her racist and anti-semitic overtones, Agatha Christie mysteries are usually a compelling read as well. For other adventure books, maybe Captains Courageous or the Sea Hawk?

        On the animal front, these may be a little young for her, but I really enjoyed the Miss Bianca series by Margery Sharp.

        On the Jewish side, maybe Sydney Taylor’s All of a Kind Family books set in early 1900s New York? I am also a BIG fan of The Star and the Sword, which is set in 1200s England, during the pogroms, where a brave Jewish brother and sister who have lost their family wind up meeting Robin Hood (who of course, is a champion of the oppressed and supports them) and having an exciting adventure.

    38. Double A*

      Becky Chamber Wayfairers series. The first book is “The long way to a small angry planet.”

      I am quite confident it will tick all her boxes (it’s scifi. But most of the characters aren’t human so there’s a lot of world building). It’s basically a series about how really different people try to figure out how to get along. Lots of queer characters. It’s so wonderful. My favorite is the second book, “A closed and common orbit,” which is about learning to be human in a world or body that doesn’t quite fit.

    39. Girasol*

      Although they’re quite old, the Andre Norton novels are very good, both the Witch World series and the older soft sci fi ones. The characters both male and female tend to be courageous underdogs with terse, unemotional approaches to problems.

    40. Suki*

      She might like the Unicorn Chronicles books by Bruce Coville. It might be a little young for her, but I think the Wings of Fire are the same age group. I loved the unicorn books even when I was a teenager. The protagonist travels to another world where her grandmother grew up (not that she knows that at the time), where there are talking unicorns and a dragon or two. There are quests and adventures, etc, but no romance.

    41. Slant Six Mind*

      Look into these-strong, young female main characters, fantasy-world setting for most, intelligent writing:
      Sweep, The Story of a Girl and her Monster (Jonathan Auxier)
      The Girl Who Drank the Moon (Kelly Barnhill)
      Fable (Adrienne Young)
      Enola Holmes Mysteries (Nancy Springer)

    42. tiredlibrarian*

      If she’s open to trying sci-fi, maybe the Murderbot series by Martha Wells? The main character is a “murderbot” – security type android who just wants to do his job/watch tv but the humans keep getting themselves in trouble. It’s really really funny and I think handles the emotional relationships well. No romance or anything (Murderbot doesn’t get it and there’s lots of funny comments about romance being incomprehensible to him :) ). I’m explaining this badly, but the first four are short-ish novellas, so not too big a time commitment if it’s not a hit? Swearing though, if that’s a concern.

    43. Bookie*

      There are a lot of replies so apologies if someone already recommended these — the Wizard of Earthsea books by Ursula LeGuin. Also her other books, though if I remember correctly The Left Hand of Darkness was kind of bleak.

    44. bookrec*

      I second the Terry Pratchett recommendations.

      I don’t remember what age I read them, but what about the Enchanted Forest Chronicles by Patricia Wrede? I think there is some romance, but from kind of an anti-romance angle? I don’t like romance in my fantasy novels, so I can’t imagine I would remember them as fondly if there was a lot of it.

    45. Anony*

      Six of Crows and Sabriel are both great suggestions.

      I immediately thought of:
      David Eddings’ Belgariad series – this is old but super fun and funny fantasy series
      The Poppy War – I only read the first book in the trilogy but it had no romance, so rare for YA fantasy

      Others to look at but don’t fit all your criteria:
      Akata Witch trilogy – set in Nigeria, some romance
      John Scalzi books could be good for her – I liked Lock In to start
      Gregor the Overlander – ok it’s 5th grade level but I ready it in my 20s and had fun with it!
      Ready Player One

    46. Alaska_Blue*

      Ann Leckie’s Ancillary series might work? Not YA, I don’t recall much romance. They are “human” based but the relationships and interactions are complex and intriguing. AIs and clones and empires. I find most of my friends who read sci-fi either love it or hate it, not much middle ground, so would be a risk. Maybe keep it on the list for future years?

      1. name goes here*

        If you’re going Ann Leckie, I’d probably do either the Raven Tower (which features some . . . maybe? genderless gods among its characters and also a trans character) or Provenance (which I recall as having a female central character, and who is a bit young, maybe 20 or so). Ancillary is good but solidly adult science fiction in its complexity.

    47. Dont be a dork*

      Have you considered Gail Carringer’s Finishing School series? I wouldn’t recommend the Parasol Protectorate series to her (way too much romance) but the Finishing school stuff is fun, not much in the way of romance or my bestie no longer likes me, and who doesn’t like the idea of a floating school where young women are taught assassination and spycraft while learning social graces as well?

      You might also look at some of the Tom Holt stuff. While I don’t like it as much as I like the Pratchett books, he has a nice turn of phrase and there is precious little teen angst or unrequited love.

      I’ll second Bujold’s Penric and Desdemona stories and Diana Wynn Jones.

    48. moonstone*

      Not exactly what you asked but would it also work to just take her on weekend trips to the library and let her browse the shelves for an hour or two? (Not restricted to any section.) This is pretty much how I discovered my favorite books/genres growing up. Other than assigned school reads, no one really recommended me anything.

      1. curly sue*

        She’s at the library every day after school and requests ebooks regularly. This part is *definitely* not an issue. Finding things she hasn’t read yet and might like is the issue!

    49. Fellow Traveller*

      Some thoughts off the top of my head judging from what my daughter with similar tastes liked:
      Watership Down
      Redwall
      The Inquisitor’s Tale (and actually anything else by Adam Gidwitz- he has a whole series based on fairy tales that are wonderfully macabre.)
      Grace Lin’s Where the Mountain Meets the Moon (there’s a sequel too, but I’m blanking on the name.)
      Gregor the Overlander- some very large rats figure prominently.
      Narnia books
      If she likes graphic novels, the Amulet series is a big hit.

    50. Anonyme*

      Neverwhere – Neil Gaiman
      Ella Minnow Pea – Mark Dunn
      An Agatha Christie? Available super affordably at used bookstores, and if she likes it, there are dozens of others?

    51. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Lord of the Rings? Which doesn’t so much have spin offs, but still there’s a LOT she could get into if interested.

      Patricia C Wrede or Patricia McKillip? David Eddings – start with Pawn of Prophecy.

    52. ImOnlyHereForThePoetry*

      Try Terry Pratchett. She may like the Tiffany Aching series which starts with Wee Free Men.

    53. E. Chauvelin*

      Tailchaser’s Song by Tad Williams is a Watership Down-like animal fantasy with cats that might fit the bill.

    54. Viette*

      A SNAKE FALLS TO EARTH by Darcie Little Badger!!

      I suspect I’m too late for you to see this, but this is a YA book that seems like it might be tailor made for her, and it’s very good.

      Main characters: Nina, a Lipan Apache teenager who is asexual (there is no romance!); Oli, a young cottonmouth-snake animal person — as in the Apache mythology of people are both animals and people. There’s an unfolding mystery/tensions/plot re: magic and animal people, good family/parent dynamics and friendships, and lots of “fantasy”/world-building aka Apache beliefs and mythology.

      Half the narrative is Nina and half is Oli, and Oli starts out in the Reflecting World, so it is not a boring normal earth setting.

    55. Yet Another Unemployed Librarian*

      You have one gazillion awesome suggestions including all the specific books I was going to say, so I’ll throw out another resource – the website A Mighty Girl. They have a lot of great suggestions for books, toys, games, all kinds of stuff with the focus on being a resource for parents of girls of all ages.

    56. Esmeralda*

      Books I read with my son when he was a tween:
      TErry Pratchett, The Amazing Maurice and His Educated Rodents (don’t be fooled by the title, it’s dark)
      Terry Pratchett, The Wee Free Men
      Octavia Butler, Parable of the Sower
      Louis Sachar, Holes
      Just about anything by Jonathan STroud, The Bartimaeus Trilogy is what my son started with
      THe Hobbit. He liked the Ring trilogy but I confess I can’t get thru it, so he read those himself.
      Elizabeth Moon, Speed of Dark. Your kid might also like Remnant Population– maybe?

      We also read Andromeda Strain (maybe that would not be so good now) and some other Crichton potboilers, Ray Bradbury Martian Chronicles, Great Expectations, Frankenstein — he was on chemo and we were looking for long books and series….

      I read all of these books (except for the Lord of the Ring books) aloud to him as he was so sick , and also when he was better. He read (re-read) a lot of them, many times.

    57. Fiction Reader*

      A Spindle Splintered by Alix Harrow – a fantasy/fairy tale retelling without too much romance.
      Wildwood by Colin Meloy – maybe too juvenile? But interesting animal characters.
      Summer in Orcus and The Seventh Bride by T Kingfisher – since others have already recceommended A Wizards Guide to Defensive Baking and Minor Mage.
      Coraline by Neil Gaiman – maybe too juvenile but a great story.
      The Serrano Legacy books by Elizabeth Moon – starting with Hunting Party.
      Echo in Onyx by Sharon Shinn.

      1. Fiction Reader*

        Oh, and I just saw a recommendation for Elatsoe by Darcie Little Badger. “Featuring an asexual, Apache teen protagonist, Elatsoe combines mystery, horror, noir, ancestral knowledge, haunting illustrations, fantasy elements”

    59. Dancing Otter*

      Elizabeth Moon has several series that might suit her. I would suggest only getting the first volume of each. In publication order, not recommendation order:

      The Deed of Paksennarion might be too adult. No sex, but the evil-doers are really evil, and the good guys don’t come off unscathed. First volume is Sheepfarmer’s Daughter, about Paks leaving home to become a mercenary soldier rather than marry her father’s choice for her. Non-humans, both good and bad, and riding horses.

      The Serrano series begins with Captain (later admiral) Haris Serrano, but later follows Ensign Esmay Suiza through her rise through the ranks. Strong female characters, both of them, as well as others, but all are adults. Horses in some volumes, but only as normal horses, not characters.

      Vatta’s War starts with Kylara Vatta getting expelled from the space academy, back to her family’s interstellar shipping company. Coming of age story with a strong female lead. Spoiler: she ends up an admiral defeating a pirate fleet. Five volumes. No animals, no non-human characters.

      Tanya Huff has an opinionated talking cat in the Keepers Chronicles series, first volume Summon the Keeper.

      Anne Bishop has a very different take on shape-shifters in her series, The Others: the bad guys are all human. Read Written in Red yourself first, as the back-story on the way prophets are treated under “benevolent ownership” may not be age appropriate.

      Ilona Andrews’ Innkeeper series (starts with Clean Sweep) features a Shih Tzu that’s a lot more than a purse puppy. Also werewolves, vampires and magic. Most of her books are more romance than plot, but this series isn’t.

      If the Valdemar books were a dud, you might consider the Elemental Masters series (one of the familiars is an African Grey parrot) or the Hundred Kingdoms series (fairy tale adaptations), by the same author, Mercedes Lackey.
      Though there are so many sub-series within the Valdemar universe that it might be worth taking another look. If the Companions didn’t appeal, maybe the gryphons would.

      1. Fiction Reader*

        FYI The Deeds of Paksennarion – Sheepfarmer’s Daughter – has a sexual assault. I read it when I was too young to process it, and it really upset me.

    60. ronda*

      I always recommend Lois McMaster Bujold

      the vorkosigan series has lots of books so if she likes it there are many more. maybe start with Warriors Apprentice. It is more sci-fi

      the sharing knife series is more fantasy (4 books making 1 story, then at least one novella). very interesting world. might be a bit too detailed about the sex scenes if that is a concern.

      the challion series, fanasty. I think it is a trilogy but the penric novellas she has been writing more recently are set in the same world at a different time period.

      On a Pale Horse, by piers Anthony. about someone becoming grim reaper. It is a series, but this is the one that I remember fondly.

      the first few books of the Dresden file series. they get way to heavy / sad in the later books but the first many are pretty light/ interesting.

      sunshine by robin McKinley. a vampire book but not really a vampire romance, some of her other books are way too heavy tho.

      1. Smol Book Wizard*

        Not necessarily dis-recommending the Vorkosigan series, but as someone on the ace spectrum myself, the characters and plotlines seemed rather Obsessed with sex to me when I read them. That being said, I think the effect of technology and culture on sexuality and human biology is one of Bujold’s main directions with the series, so this is less of a complaint and more of a “it’s an exploration of this stuff and therefore has this stuff in it.”

      2. Forensic13*

        Oh lord, sorry, but interjecting that Piers Anthony anything can be dicey for these criteria and the On a Pale Horse series has a LOT of very adult (and mainly problematic) elements especially as the series continues. Anthony likes to talk about how teenage girls are toooootally ready for sex and they know their own minds so why don’t we let them haha oh yes also they all want to have sex with 40 year old men why do you ask?

        Sorry, he is a solid writer, but NOT GOOD for growing people.

        1. Observer*

          There was one series by Piers Anthony that might work – the Xanth series. It’s been YEARS since I’ve read any of them, so I would suggest looking at them before putting them Eldest’s book bag. But my recollection is that they were mostly not problematic in the ways that @Forensic13 mentions (as well as other issues that seem to be common in his books.)

          1. Forgotten username*

            I read the first 10-15 Xanth books as a teen, and remember them as consistently having a ton of sex puns and sex-related stuff that detracted from the plot for me.

            1. curly sue*

              There was one that was all about little girls’ panties or some such. Very off-putting.

              1. Observer*

                Ouch. I must have missed that one! I didn’t read the whole series and I get the impression that he got worse as the series went on.

                Good to know – It’s going off my list.

          2. curly sue*

            I read a bunch of Piers Anthony when I was about her age and looking back on it, I took some odd messages away. I’ll stick with other authors for now.

            1. Alaska_Blue*

              Yeah I also read Piers Anthony as a teen and didn’t catch it at the time, but now older, wiser, and much more feminist, his stuff is gross and bad and I would not recommend it to anyone.

    61. Smol Book Wizard*

      Stoneheart and its sequels, by Charlie Fletcher – a rather well-written (from what I remember) trilogy that straddles the MG/YA boundary. All about the statues of London coming to life and dealing in magical struggles, with a couple human teens helping them out.

      …Speaking of London, how about Un Lun Dun by China Mieville? A sort of world-gate into a parallel London and the magical creatures therein, including (I think) a sentient umbrella or so. It’s cute and a bit creepy sometimes and very good adventure from what I recall. The protagonists are a pair of female best friends who stay friends and help each other out throughout the book, and there are illustrations for added charm.

      Possibly also the Ranger’s Apprentice series by John Flanagan, and its off-shoots. I moved on from them when I wanted something with more real plot stakes and less hairsbreadth escapes, but they’re a very nice and refreshingly un-jaded high fantasy (for the first few books) setting that focuses more and more on non-magical adventures and the protagonists’ skills and friendships and explorations. Might be too young for her, but good stuff.

      1. Buni*

        Are you me? I LOVE the Stoneheart series and Un Lun Dun, I recommend them both to the nth degree.

    62. Aealias*

      My daughter with similar tastes recommends Story Thieves by Chris Colfer, Mist-born by Brandon Sanderson, Leviathan by Scott Westerfeld.

      I swear by Pratchett and started reading in my teens with Guards, Guards! I feel like the Night Watch series and Death series are less parodies than some of the Witches books – more adventure books with some moral complexity stirred in. Tiffany Aching and Maurice are both great, but a bit young for a 15-yr-old. Tiffany is NINE in her first book, and I think the boy in Maurice might be 13?

      If she loved the Aru Shah books (so good!) then she might like Bruce Coville’s enchanted files series as a light read. Wrede’s Enchanted Forest Chronicles are also a ton of fun. The Spirit Animals series by Eliot Schroeder has been popular with a lot of my early-middle-years kids.

      1. Chapeau*

        My daughter loves the Land of Stories series, also by Chris Colfer. There is romance, but it’s along the lines of “and they lived happily ever after”, not “schmoopy gross stuff” (a direct quote).
        One character has a curse put on him that turns him into a frog, and Goldilocks and Red Riding Hood have a marvelous hate-hate relationship.
        Lots of magic, plus a flying goose.

    63. SparklingBlue*

      I can highly recommend Tamora Pierce’s Song of the Lioness Quartet! Magical creatures do play a role in the story, but the main character is a true strong heroine.

      1. Morrigan Crow*

        So many good suggestions (taking notes for my 16 year old as well). I’d also recommend “The Floating Islands” by Rachel Neumeier, “Stealing from Wizards” by R.A. Consell, “The Last Dragonslayer” by Jasper FForde, and “Nevermore: The Trials of Morrigan Crow” by Jessica Townsend.

    64. Observer*

      One that I haven’t see yet – Mrs. Pollifax

      It’s a series about a retired widow who becomes a CIA agent. It’s obviously a totally unlikely premise, but it works pretty well. It’s a fun read. I will say that the first book is the best, but even the one that seemed the most forced to me was good enough that I actually re-read it.

      I haven’t read them in years, so I can’t swear that it’s aged well.

    65. Gabrielle*

      Based on all these comments I’d strongly suggest the Mistborn series by Brandon Sanderson. Some of his other books have romances but they aren’t the most central to the plot, and the Mistborn series in particular is very action-focused, has magic with a very gamer-ish mechanic, main character doesn’t have a romance that I can recall, and they can get a bit dark but is a page-turner.

      I’d also more tentatively suggest the Murderbot series although they are sci-fi not fantasy.

    66. GlowCloud*

      Chronicals of Ancient Darkness by Michelle Paver. It’s a series about a neolithic hunter-gatherer raised by wolves, and adopted into the Raven clan. It involves a lot of magical realism, as he has to save his clan from a demonic bear, and embark on other spiritual quests. Often includes interesting wilderness survival details, and sometimes scenes from the wolf’s perspective.

    67. Happy Thursday-Yay!!!*

      Have you tried Aaronovitch’s The Rivers of London Series? Former Dr. Who writer doing current London Crime—but a London where magic is real. As the series progresses there’s a prodigy teenage girl who deputizes the talking foxes…

    68. OtterB*

      The Firekeeper series by Jane Lindskold, beginning with Through Wolf’s Eyes. Fantasy world. The main character was raised by wolves (really) and never fully integrates back into society, although she has her human friends and defenders. There’s some magic and some intelligent animals. Lots of journeying, some politics, a few romances among secondary characters but not for the primary character. I think I would have liked it at that age.

    69. tamarak & fireweed*

      Most of my suggestions have already been mentioned (Garth Nix, Seanan McGuire, T Kingfisher…). Two a bit off the beaten track:

      – Lloyd Alexander’s Prydain Chronicles series. These are children’s books written in the 60s, in a fictional Welsh mythical pre-industrial society with magic etc. A classical coming-of-age tale centering on Taran, “assistant pigkeeper”. Often more like a fairytale than an adventure story. There’s some romantic interest in a girl, but she can hold her own sword, and (I’m in book 5) it’s not been too simpering. Lots of stuff about good ethical principles, treating one another well, and also working within each other’s quirks. I started reading those when a sci-fi author I like mentioned that she read these as a child and they left an impression.
      – Maybe Pax by Sara Pennypacker? A very sweet story / somewhat magical realism tale about the friendship between a boy and a fox.

    70. IT Manager*

      Gregor the Overlander (and sequels) might suit. Some of my favorite books – many of the characters are animals.

  32. Anon for this*

    I asked this question last week but a little late so I thought I’d try earlier.

    What is it like to find mental health services in your state or country? I’m asking for practical reasons and just wondering what it’s like other places.

    Last week people said it was hard to find in Massachusetts, Maine, Texas and Ontario.

    What’s it like in other places? I’m especially curious about Florida and New Jersey.

    And for the Massachusetts one—I’d heard from other sources that Massachusetts has really good psychiatric care. Is that not true?

    And any advice for finding care in Massachusetts or Florida? Or New York or New Jersey?

    1. Missb*

      I don’t know about my state (PNW) but my oldest is trying to get a therapist and it has been challenging. My oldest is in grad school, so early 20s. Depression is rearing its ugly head, and my oldest has realized that professional help is required. The university has some therapists but the one assigned to my oldest has been… flaky. Like showing up 15 minutes late for each one hour session with no explanation.

      My oldest has now called several private therapists to ask if they are taking new clients. I don’t think any have responded yet. (Pennsylvania)

      1. fueled by coffee*

        (I know you were responding to anon’s comment, but I’m also in grad school, and discovered last year that the school’s student mental health service has WAY more availability over the summer than during the school year because undergrads graduate and the immediate stressors of class/finals are over. Since it’s already May, it might be worth calling once the semester is over and asking whether it’s possible to switch to a different therapist. At my university, there’s a waitlist throughout most of the year — they refer out to private therapists — but I was able to get in with someone from the school office within a week last summer).

    2. TPS reporter*

      I live in Mass and agree the care is top notch. However the availability of providers does seem to be an issue. Everyone is overworked and overwhelmed? Do you have any resources through your employer to find care like through insurance or EAP? My company just announced a new program through our insurance that will help us find resources. They must have been hearing the complaints.

    3. AspiringGardener*

      If you need mental health care in a specific geographic region, I suggest googling it. If you need practical advice I’m not sure that a generic post on this site is the best option. Good luck in finding what you need

    4. MoMac*

      I’ll put a plug in for a program that is nationwide but short-term treatment. AbleTo provides CBT brief treatment for folks coping with various emotional and medical conditions. It is phone or video therapy for 8 weeks and they take a variety of major insurances. There is no medication component to it, strictly therapy. What I like about it is that it provides treatment while you are stuck on someone’s waiting list.

      As for Massachusetts, yes there is terrific high-quality care from many providers. The waiting lists are extensive though. So many providers are just not accepting new clients. And many of the agencies pay their staff poorly so they struggle with retention.

      Nurse practitioners can prescribe in Massachusetts so that has expanded the availability of psychiatric care. Good luck!

    5. Nancy*

      It is hard to find in many states now because demand has increased substantially over the past few years. Doesn’t mean quality isn’t good, just that providers can handle only so many patients. That’s why employers and health insurance companies have started to offer more telehealth and other mental health apps. If you have a PCP, I suggest you speak to them for assistance in finding a provider. Health insurance plans can help find one as well.

    6. Anon for this*

      Thank you! I’m interested in both practical advice and just curious what other places are like.

      The most common answer seems to be that most practitioners are just booked up.

      1. Anon for this*

        Related question for any healthcare readers—do things seem to be getting better or worse for mental health?

        Last week someone posted about working in an ER and it sounded like things were getting worse.

        1. No Name Yet*

          Worse, I think. I work in a specialty mental health clinic, and we have been getting slammed with referrals that aren’t appropriate, much more so than happened pre-COVID. In the last two years there have been a ton of providers retiring (I don’t have data, but it certainly feels more than in the past), and hospitals/clinics are having difficulty finding providers to fill those spots, so the providers who are left are scrambling to find care for the increasing number of patients who need it. (And I work with adults, which historically has been much easier to find mental health care vs. for kids, where I think the problem is even worse.)

      2. WoodswomanWrites*

        I think you’re correct about that. I have a friend who’s a therapist who told me that before the pandemic, about a quarter of his practice consisted of people coming short-term for specific issues, and then moving on. He said the difference now is that when people come, they stay long-term, so he has no room for new clients.

    7. pancakes*

      I can’t speak for upstate NY, but in NYC I’d maybe recommend the Washington Square Institute, which has been around forever and has a sliding scale for payment, or used to. I’m not sure it’s useful to broadly generalize about entire states being being really good or really difficult because people with knowledgeable contacts and/or personal resources are going to have a much easier time everywhere than people who are trying to seek help without those.

    8. X*

      I have bipolar and have lived in MA almost all my life (100% of the time since my diagnosis). I’ve been looking for the right therapist for 10 years and just ended things with one who looked at her phone the whole time during our telehealth sessions and seemed to think I wouldn’t notice, so even though I’m very thankful to live here because of our insurance coverage and the excellent hospitals, I don’t think it’s easy anywhere. I do have a long term psychiatrist who is incredible.
      I always start on psychologytoday.com to look for new providers but recently discovered my behavioral health insurance has its own searchable site.
      Best wishes on this journey, it can be hard but it’s worth it.

    9. Potatoes gonna potate*

      Jersey here.

      I tried to find help for getting an ADHD diagnosis last year. I called around to multiple places. It was really stressful; long wait times or no availability. I posted abuot this last year I’ll try to find it because the details are getting fuzzy now. Eventually I was able to find someone who does zoom calls. She’s fine, but appts are every 3 months and it’s impossible to get my medication on time.

      My insurance did have a program where I could have 8-10 sessions with a therapist via phone call. They were very limited in therapists available for the particular time slot I had. The therapist I was matched with was nice but the whole thing just didn’t really work for me. The whole thing was more stressful which is ironic. I may have depression and looking to find a therapist who can talk to me and also Rx medication if necessary, and the whole idea of it is stressing me out.

      Biggest issue I run in to is that the first place I look at is through my provider directory, however many times I call them and they say tehy don’t accept my insurance. It’s maddening.

  33. Millie*

    There is a wedding in my extended family that is happening next week and I am not invited. We have a huge family and my branch of it are the only ones not invited. I feel embarrassed about it. I can understand a little about why we weren’t invited but not completely. Many others have been invited who fall into this same level.

    What can I do to deal with this and get past it. Especially with the social media postings that are going to happen starting this week. Thank you.

    1. Doctors Whom*

      I guess I would ask why you feel embarrassed by this? It doesn’t seem like you have been singled out in some way.

      If you are upset not to be invited and want to avoid social media about it, snooze the people in your life who you expect to be there.

      At the end of the day, you get past it by realizing that the people who are getting married control the guest list and can invite whomever they want. It doesn’t sound like you are close to the couple since you are referring to a “branch” of an extended family. You don’t mention that you have a relationship with them and are close to them. People have to draw the line at invitation lists somewhere and it does not sound like this is a personal affront to you.

      1. DeNaranja*

        I agree with this comment. It’s just a wedding and people can do whatever they want. No need to waste energy being upset when it likely had nothing to do with you personally. Perhaps they’re limited on guest count and they had to only invite specific people. You just never know.

    2. Asenath*

      Not everyone invites every member of an extended family to a wedding, which could be for any reason. It may not be personal to you since you say that your whole branch wasn’t invited – although that’s not clear, since you say others on the same level (perhaps first cousins? Second cousins?) have been invited. Neither I nor my siblings gave it a second thought when we weren’t invited to a family wedding, particularly since we weren’t close to that branch. Well, we didn’t, until we ran into one of them at another family event, and were told how bad it was we hadn’t attended! I stared in disbelief and said “We weren’t invited”. End of incident. People can be weird. And if you don’t want to see the social media posts, disconnect for a while. I don’t do a lot of social media, but I do disconnect, either permanently or temporarily, when I anticipate a lot of stuff I don’t want to see.

    3. Juneybug*

      I am sorry you got left out. You might have not got invited as it would be awkward to invite some of your branch but not others. For example – Uncle Joe would cause trouble at the wedding but his wife Aunt Susie would have not. But how do you invite one person but not their spouse? Or invite Cousin Joey but not their sibling Cousin Jane? It probably had nothing to do with you but relative adjunct.
      I hope you are able to do something fun that day and forget about the wedding.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      Go the opposite way. If I went to every wedding and every birthday party in my family I would not be able to hold down a job. This is because I would have to be somewhere in the US several days out of every week. Physically and financially impossible for me to do. I am relieved they don’t invite me.

      Generally, I think the people who are invited to these things have a higher level of participation in that person’s life. There is a tendency to invite by activity level.

      After seeing it up close in my own family, I know for a fact that keeping track of who invites us to what will NOT serve you well. It becomes a score card that is more like a knife to the heart. Sometimes a lower or no awareness of who is invited to what is super helpful. You may want to find ways to disentangle yourself from this type of thinking.
      Of everyone who came to my wedding (almost 40 years ago) I think I only see 2 or 3 people now. It’s almost like if you get invited to a wedding there is a correlation to the lessening of the relationship later in life. I can’t be sure about this- but I hear it a lot. So maybe you will reconnect with these people later on in life.

      1. RagingADHD*

        I rarely see anyone I was close with 20 years ago, other than my spouse and my dad, whether they were invited to my wedding or not. Partly because everyone has moved, had kids, divorced, had health problems, etc. All the grandparents have died, and many in my parents’ generation have died, too.

        Particularly when it comes to cousins, losing the grandparents and some of the aunts and uncles really breaks down a lot of the bonds. Each generation has a new nucleus to draw their extended family from, with their other set of grandparents and cousins, their partner, their friends, etc.

      2. Ali + Nino*

        I totally agree about not keeping a scorecard – doing so will only make you miserable. Years ago I was not invited to a distant cousin’s wedding and I was really upset about it – but after taking some time to think about it I realized it wasn’t about this cousin or the wedding, I had just moved somewhere new, I knew nobody and was feeling lonely and isolated. So for whatever reason not being invited made me feel left out. Maybe something else is going on inside of you, and your feelings about the wedding are a symptom of that?

    5. Observer*

      You’ve gotten some really good responses.

      Here are some questions that I think it would be helpful for you to think about.

      Why are you embarrassed that you were not invited to a wedding? Especially since by your description this was not intended as a personal reflection on you. What is it that you need to “get past”? Is it possible that you are seeing this as proxy for something else?

  34. Sundial*

    What is your personal comfort zone in regards to highly-processed foods when it comes to expiration dates? Stuff like Stovetop, or boxed scalloped potatoes, or cake mix.

    I’m cleaning out my pantry and trying to balance “limiting waste” with “not poisoning anyone”.

    1. Missb*

      If it isn’t clearly rancid or infested with pantry moths, I have a high tolerance for ignoring those. Maybe 7 years would be a bit long but 2-5 years?

      Stovetop is just dehydrated bread and herbs. Scalloped potatoes are dehydrated potatoes and powdered milk/cheese. Cake mix is flour and I’d think I’d be able to tell if it was rancid, though you might end up with flat cakes if the baking powder was too old.

      1. Dancing Otter*

        Yeah, we had a lot of cakes that didn’t rise. No, adding extra baking powder really doesn’t solve the problem.

    2. ThatGirl*

      Most dry boxed food is not gonna poison anyone, it’s more a matter of freshness and taste. (I used to answer a lot of “best by” questions at work.)

      So, if it’s a few months, no problem though I will give it the sniff test. A year or more I’d probably toss, but again, you’re unlikely to poison anyone.

    3. Meh*

      I completely ignore them on dried goods. For cans I toss if the can is bulging or mysteriously dented. Once opened, does it smell bad?

    4. Macaroni Penguin*

      Unless the food is introducing itself as a sentient being, I will eat it.

    5. Maggie*

      For dried goods I’ll generally go a few months past, for things like dried pasta I’d eat it a couple years after and anything that’s frozen if it was frozen before the date then I’ll eat that too.

    6. MaxKitty*

      I’ve used things a year or two after their best-by dates.

      When I started volunteering at the food bank I was surprised to find out they don’t even look at expiration dates for anything except baby foods.

      1. Texan In Exile*

        And Kroger’s software identifies expired baby food and instructs the volunteer to discard it, but – the new woman running the Kroger intake section at the food bank where I volunteer is not enforcing that, so Kroger “donates” baby food that we cannot use. The food bank volunteers have to waste time looking at expiration dates on baby food and the food bank has to pay to discard those items while Kroger takes a tax benefit.

    7. Falling Diphthong*

      My recent clearing threw such things out more on “If I haven’t used this in two years, odds are I’m not going to do it in the next two either.” (You can’t donate expired food to the food pantry, and… should think long and hard about whether any other third parties you identify would actually be pleased to receive a three-year old box of Stovetop stuffing.)

      I have decided that the soups my spouse stocked up on at the start of the pandemic can be a blizzard stash, and I don’t worry about the dates on those.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        That’s kind of my line in the sand too — if I’ve had this long enough for it to expire without using it, I’m probably not going to use it. So I throw it out and at this point I don’t buy cake mix unless I am making cake in the next week. :P (That’s my big pantry issue — for some reason, every time I clean out my pantry, I’m throwing out a dozen boxes of cake mix. I don’t even know why I bought them in the first place.)

        1. Hotdog not dog*

          Ha! Cake mix is my problem too…but I never buy it! My husband will impulsively buy it if a craving for cake hits while he’s grocery shopping, but he doesn’t bake at all. I enjoy baking but I make everything from scratch, so Betty Crocker and Duncan Hines end up living happily ever after in the pantry together.

    8. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

      Food doesn’t magically “go bad” after a set period of time. It either gets germs growing in it, or it goes stale, or it gets contaminated in some way. Contamination isn’t a concern if things were stored properly-it mostly happens when something falls into an open container or leaks into something below it. (Never store cleaning products above food, BTW.) Stale will affect flavor and texture, but won’t harm anything except your tastebuds. It’s germs growing in it that you need to worry about, but if it’s gone 3 years perfectly fine, a 4th isn’t going to change anything. Whatever kept the germs from growing the first three still applies.

      I still toss it when it’s been expired for several years, because it just feels icky.

      Expiration dates aren’t some scientifically tested fact. They were just made up by food manufacturers. They are really useful for reminding you to use up food in a sensible time frame and for grabbing the older can of evaporated milk before the newer one, but they don’t tell you whether food is safe to eat.

      Always check cans for puncture holes or bloating though.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        Something I recall reading re expiration dates–if the other popcorn manufacturers have a best-by date and you don’t, then people side-eye your offering.

        Also that you don’t need to worry if the ibuprofen or acetaminaphin turns out to be a couple of years past the expiration.

          1. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

            The expiration dates on most drugs are somewhere between an underestimate and a lower bound. In most cases the manufacturers don’t know whether the drug will still be good in three or five or ten years, but they do know that the drug will be good a year from now, because that’s what they did research on.

            The US military has done some research on this, which is straightforward but time-consuming: stock up on X medication, and test samples at known intervals. In some cases, the results are things like “it’s at least eight years, check back next year and we’ll tell you if it’s nine.” I read about this in 2020, when supply chain issues had people wondering whether it would be safe to use, or even buy, expired medication.

      2. Texan In Exile*

        “Never store cleaning products above food”

        At a former Place We Don’t Mention, we designed automated palletizing systems for grocery distribution centers. Our algorithms had to consider things like that!

    9. Asenath*

      Many types of packaged goods are perfectly edible long after the dates on them; they’re “best before” dates, not “Poisonous afterwards” dates. I’m very casual with most of them – especially canned goods. Packaged goods like you mention, I might be a bit concerned that it might be stale if it was really old, but if I examined it and it didn’t seem infested or rancid or stale, I’d probably use it. Some food banks go strictly by “best before” dates, but others have a list of how long particular products remain edible. I don’t know where to find a copy of the list I’ve seen, though. Maybe someone else does.

    10. fposte*

      It’s not really a comfort thing for me; it’s more being realistic about what I have and why. I am a lucky human in that I get to eat food to enjoy it. I dislike food waste but unless it’s food that’s got genuine emergency potential (canned soup for me, since I have health downturns that can use it) I don’t want to hang onto food that isn’t going to be nice to eat anymore. So with boxed dried stuff like those I would probably either eat them the week of discovery or toss them, especially if they were opened and partially used, whereas dried beans I’d happily hang onto and chuck into soup ages later. I also generally have a list of “useuppables” from cabinets, fridge, and freezer going at any one time to consult before shopping and cooking anyway.

      1. Sloanicota*

        Ha see me, dried beans are the *only* thing I’m funny about, because too many times I’ve had them simply refuse to soften on me!! Completely ruined some soups and chilis by using old beans that just wouldn’t. cook., hours after the time should have done the job, so now I’m either overcooking all the other ingredients beyond recognition, trying tricks like baking soda that I think tastes a bit funny, or (this is true) picking out all the beans to transfer into a pressure-cooker-type set up to cook them faster. I find that they seem to prep normally in the overnight soak, but then just never completely soften.

        1. fposte*

          I guess YKMV (your kitchen may vary)! And yikes, the horror of picking out all the beans.

    11. sequined histories*

      I’m pretty sure we’ll be scavenging that stuff after the zombie apocalypse. If there aren’t bad foul odors or tastes, I’m guessing it’s fine unless its literally decades old.

    12. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

      This isn’t quite what you asked about, but that unopened jar of honey in the back of your (or anyone’s) cupboard is not too old to use: sealed containers of honey can last for centuries. (An opened container of honey may spoil, depending on what if anything it has absorbed from the air, or a serving utensil.)

      1. allathian*

        The same thing applies to sugar. It can go lumpy if it’s been exposed to humidity, but it won’t go bad.

    13. Elizabeth West*

      Due to a time in the past when I was extremely food insecure (as in, I had none), I’m like a cat who panics when it can see the bottom of its dish even if there’s still food in it. I like the cupboards to be FULL.

      Also having worked in food service for a number of years, I rotate whatever’s in my stash. Same for any food I’ve put in my emergency box and bug-out bag—every so often, I rotate it out and replace it. So I don’t usually end up with a lot of expired food. If I miss something and it’s more than a year old, I will toss it or compost it, if I can.

    14. A Feast of Fools*

      I’ll keep things until I can tell – visibly or aromatically — that I either will get sick from eating it (this is usually a visible check) or that I really won’t like the taste/texture of it (discovered by using my nose).

      I bought a LOT of packages of instant ramen noodles at the start of the pandemic. I still have a handful of packages left over and decided to make some a couple of weeks ago. All the packages have the same Best By / Expiration date but the first package I opened smelled the way old olive oil does: rancid. The 2nd package was fine. I opened a third because I was hungry and wanted a huge bowl of noodles, and it was fine.

      The packets of seasoning were all fine, which I expected, since they’re tightly sealed in aluminum foil and are mostly salt (a preservative), so my huge bowl of noodles was just as tasty as usual.

      As for the rancid noodles: I’m sure I could still have eaten them without any negative physical effects but they would have tasted awful.

    15. I'm A Little Teapot*

      I made and ate a box of brownies that were 3ish years past the best by date. No harm done.

      1. Annie Moose*

        Ha! I did this too, last year. Survived the experience, but I must say they tasted awfully stale.

      2. Bob-White of the Glen*

        I can honestly say there will never be an uneaten for three years box of brownies in my house.

    16. allathian*

      If you have a normal sense of smell, you can trust that to tell you if it’s gone bad. This also applies to dairy products. I’ve used lactose-free milk a week past its use-by date in coffee. I’m fine using it until it goes lumpy, and then I’ll toss it. My record in this regard is a serving of yoghurt. I opened it, and there was a bit of liquid on the surface, so I mixed it up and ate it. Only later I looked at the lid and noticed that it was nearly two months past its use-by date. There was nothing wrong with the taste, only the texture, and I could fix that by mixing it with my spoon. I also didn’t get sick after eating it.

      I once found an unopened pack of coffee that was two years past its best before date. It was a bit flat, but still usable.

    17. Jean (just Jean)*

      So those canned crushed tomatoes with a “best by” date of 2019 are still okay for soup or lasagna (both have long cooking times, the lasagna also cooks at a higher temperature)? As a backup I’ll use my eyes and nose once the can gets opened. The can opener will get washed in the dishwasher.

      Three cheers for food science, common sense, and AAM kitchen wisdom crowd-sourcing!

      P.S. The cans have no bulges, rust, holes, or punctures.

      1. pancakes*

        One bit of food science to keep in mind: There has been a move towards BPA-free cans, but my understanding is that they are not bisphenol-free, and acidic foods like tomatoes tend to break down the lining of containers they’re kept in faster than less acidic foods do. If I planned to store food for a long time I would be looking for glass jars rather than cans.

        2. Jean (just Jean)*

          Thanks for your comment about can interiors. Food for thought (pardon the pun). I’ll probably revert to my original plan to dump the tomatoes & recycle the cans.

  35. Green Snickers*

    I’m curious what you would do in this situation re: MLM promotion as it’s come up a few times.

    Lately in FB groups I’m in, a woman will post a seemingly innocent post either boasting about how much they’ve changed their life for the better or saying they are launching a new program and need some people to try it for free. They may not offer any products directly in the post but it always seems Suss so after looking at their profiles and a quick internet search, it’s clear they either participate in or fully run an MLM.

    I am very sensitive to people who recruit for MLMs. I usually am in a MYOB about 99% about other things but I feel strongly about transparency for consumers and their rights and so when it comes to MLMs, I always feel the need to pipe up and clarify what this ‘create your own business’ opportunity really is when someone presents it.

    I’ve noticed lately more and more with MLM’s that it starts now with a very vague description like the above vs a hard sell. These FB groups strictly prohibit selling so these posts aren’t actively breaking the rules I guess but it feels so icky and the members expect to not be sold to. I’ve also contemplated just commenting on the post ‘hey is this associated with X program which I believe is an MLM for full transparency’.

    I realize I’m more sensitive to this than other people but just wondering what you think is a fair way to respond and handle this.

    1. TPS reporter*

      Oh these MLMs are getting so clever after all of the negative press! I like the idea of calling it out. What you wrote sounded not too aggressive and gets right to the point. Please keep on, you could be helping a lot of people avoid falling into the trap.

      1. Charlotte Lucas*

        Agreed! I’m reading “Cultish: The Language of Fanaticism” right now, & Part 4 is all about MLMs.

    2. fposte*

      I’ve done comments like that occasionally (I also have commented on the post by the person who slags off a communications co without disclosing that he works for the competitor). It’s mostly scratching my own itch and dealing with my annoyance, so I do think it’s self-indulgent, and I try to limit it so it doesn’t become an annoyance for bystanders; IOW, I’m not rooting out every post like that. Just every now and then I vent my annoyance by saying “Oh, is that related to your new LulaKayLiving franchise?”

    3. Dark Macadamia*

      If the group has a rule about selling/MLMs, I would report the posts to mods even if they’re not openly posting a product. Or at least message a mod and say “hey, this is a common type of fishing post for MLMs, does that fall under the promotion rule?”

      Sometimes they will delete or get huffy if you just comment “this sounds like an MLM” or “what’s the business? why are you only DMing people instead of just saying it openly?” etc

      1. tamarak & fireweed*

        I agree with that – if the groups already prohibit selling then “I think we need to add promoting MLMs to our list of off-limits topics” should not be too much of a step.

    4. pancakes*

      “a seemingly innocent post either boasting about how much they’ve changed their life for the better or saying they are launching a new program” – This doesn’t sound at all “innocent” to me if what you mean by “innocent” is “clearly not trying to sell something.” 99% of accounts talking about a “program” in that way are trying to recruit buyers or attendees for a course or something, no? Rather than ordinary people who just happen to think it’s cool to mimic motivational speakers?

      I have never had or considered having a Facebook account, but I am on other social media. Personally I would not put any energy into trying to get commonplace hustlers to clarify what they’re selling for the benefit of strangers. It sounds like you don’t always find it easy to identify who is trying to sell what, which makes sense when so much of it is contrived to sound folksy. There are consumer protection groups with more expertise who are better positioned to enforce transparency in advertising, and there are FTC rules around sponcon / sponsored content. I don’t think you need to take a DIY approach to trying to eliminate it.

    5. RagingADHD*

      I think if you want a rule change to exclude MLM recruitment, petition the admins. Or become one.

      You are expending a lot of energy going down rabbit holes, investigating strangers, and trying to protect your fellow grownups from their own stupidity. It is a Sisyphean battle, and not worth your time.

      Personally I think the world would be better served by leaving those FB groups and doing service work for people who need (and want) your help IRL.

      2. Ginger Pet Lady*

        If the purpose of the group serves here, and sales are against terms, she’s fine to point out posts that try to be sneaky and get around the rules.
        I’m in a low water landscaping group for my area, and I find the group very useful, and do not *want* to leave, but the group is occasionally overrun with MLM crap or Tshirt ads, and people in the group have every right to expend energy fighting back and keeping the space useful and on topic.
        I’m sorry if you’re feeling defensive because you’re sucked into an MLM but that does not mean people should ignore those who are in the Cult of Direct Sales and are desperate to survive.

      3. Dwight Schrute*

        This feels a bit extreme, it usually takes no more than a few seconds to see if someone is hawking and mlm on their profile and there’s nothing wrong with calling it out when it’s against group rules

        1. pancakes*

          Of course, but making a hobby of it seems unproductive to me as well. Like trying to put out a forest fire with a teaspoon of water at a time. Anyone on FB who expects not to be sold things there has fundamentally misunderstood the business model of the platform. The idea is to monetize every aspect of communication between users. A group plagued by MLM people would probably be better off rearranging itself to not depend on a platform that charges business accounts extra to have their own messages seen by their own followers. A lone user who cares far more about transparency than the owners and operators (and many other users!) of the platform do is not going to be successful in clearing away the marketing detritus that’s there.

  36. I take tea but not wine, apparently*

    Hello, craft people! Is there anything nice one could do with red wine beside drinking it. I have a bottle undrinkable red wine and am wondering if I could use it for staining wood or tie-dye or something other. I have only stained stuff unintentionally and don’t know if it would keep.

    Taking it back is not an option, so either I just pour it out or do something with it. I thought I might ask you for ideas :-)

    1. CTT*

      You can make vinegar with it! My dad had several bottles of wine that were skunked and he ended up turning it into his own vinegar. He ended up enjoying making it so much that he did it for years and would give bottles of it as Christmas presents.

      I will say that this method works best if you have a basement or somewhere else you can store it that’s away from people – the fermentation smell isn’t horrific, but it’s noticeable.

      1. Not A Manager*

        Vinegar needs a starter called the “mother.” You can buy some online, or you can look at your own vinegar in the cupboard. If it’s been sitting around for a while, there might be a bit of thick jelly on the bottom (looks like a jellyfish). Pull that out and put it in your jar with a mixture of half wine, half water. Cover loosely and let it ferment. Once it’s ready for use, you can pull some off and then add more wine/water to ferment further.

        If I had a bottle of wine I didn’t want to drink, I’d gift it to someone who did want it.

        1. CTT*

          I read “undrinkable” to mean that it’s corked/skunked/gone bad in some way and not fit for passing on.

            1. CTT*

              My dad used corked wine for the vinegar; the fermentation process works gross wonders!

    2. Princess Deviant*

      You can pour it into ice cube trays and freeze, then use a cube or two each time you’re cooking. I like red wine in any type of tomato sauce.

    3. Sloanicota*

      I use really gross red wine for sangria (not the most creative answer I realize) – you can add sweet or tart juice to taste, sparkling water, fruit, whatever you need. People do cinnamon or clove for hot mulled wine too. As others have commented I frequently find bad reds taste less offensive iced vs room temp, or even frozen. I actually bring pitchers to parties and get a lot of complements.

    4. Formerly in HR*

      Use it for cooking (stews, some chilis require red wine) or for marinating meat (season meat pieces, add to tray, pour in wine + oil + water, add garlic etc) – can leave overnight or for some hours and then roast as is. Make mulled wine.

      1. Girasol*

        Yes, this! Beef stew is lovely with red wine in and it’s very forgiving of wine quality.

      1. curly sue*

        I pour a glass of wine into my shepherd’s pie meat to deglaze right before adding stock, etc. It adds a nice base note to the gravy.

    6. I take tea*

      Thank you, I should have said that the wine is literally undrinkable, as in it is corked and tastes horrible and I don’t suppose it will improve as vinegar. But such a lovely colour…

    7. RagingADHD*

      Cook with it! It’s great for deglazing the pan in soups or sauces. Or marinating chicken or beef.

    8. Kathenus*

      Red wine is excellent for DIY fruit fly traps – I’m not a wine drinker but will buy cheap red wine for these at times. Most effective method for me is a glass jar with a paper ‘cone’ in it – cone bottom needs to be above the top of the liquid inside the jar). Fruit flies go in but can’t work their way out generally – some end up in the liquid and some inside the jar trapped. I just walk outside, take out the cone and let them fly out, then reset the cone and jar back inside.

      1. I take tea*

        Well, yes, that’s always an option. I just speculated that I could do something fun with it.

        Thank you for all suggestions!

    10. tamarak & fireweed*

      Even though it’s red you can use it for a big limescale removing party in your pots, water kettle etc.

      Dyeing is not an avenue I think would be feasible since the color is not lightfast.

  37. Victoria, Please*

    Southern California or other dry places friends, what do you do to conserve water? Where I live there will be a new 20% reduction (I think – hard to get through the noise to hard information, but quite a whack in general).

    Share your ideas! No idea too trivial or bonkers!!

    1. Liminality (Formerly It’s Quarantime!)*

      My grandma kept a large bucket in the shower to catch the ‘cold’ water that runs while waiting for the shower to warm up. She’d use that water for house plants/outside plants and trees, and occasionally for washing the porch or doors.
      If you’re serious about the conservation maybe you want two buckets? Depending on how long it takes for the water to warm up, it can be surprising how much water goes down the drain.

      1. Sloanicota*

        Yeah if you hand wash dishes you can catch the rinse water in a separate pan and re-use for flushing the toilet, scrubbing outdoor spots, or even plants if you’re pretty sure there wasn’t much soap in there.

    2. Ranon*

      Low flow fixtures- at sinks it’s super cheap to swap aerators, Niagara and Neoperl make a variety to fit all kinds of sinks. The Niagara one that lets you select flow rate between 0.5gpm (gallons per minute) to 1.5 gpm is great at kitchen sinks or ones where sometimes you need a filler but not always. Low flow shower heads have come a long ways, too, we have a Moen that the Wirecutter recs and it’s great.

      For landscapes, less often & water deeply when you do. Poor man’s grey water collection is a bucket in the shower, works pretty well.

      In spendy options an HE washer does really use dramatically less water, as does reducing water intensive landscaping and going to modern low flow toilets.

      1. Skeeder Jones*

        I worked in water conservation for a water utility and you don’t want to water less often, you want to water more often but for less minutes at a time. A 10 minute watering means the soil cannot absorb all of the water, leaving it on the surface where it is prone to evaporation. 2 3-minute waterings get more water into the ground for less water usage.

      2. Chaordic One*

        HE washers do indeed use less water, but they also take longer to do the job (twice as long to run a load) and sometimes they don’t get your clothes as clean. I’m not impressed by them.

        1. Observer*

          If your clothes are not getting as clean you either have a bad washer or you are using the wrong soap / not enough.

          But, yes, they do take a lot longer to run.

        2. Princess Xena*

          I’ve had the same problem. We used a HE washing and when we pulled clothes out there would be parts that the water and soap never even touched. The ones I’ve seen also tend to be smaller, meaning that I have to run loads more frequently. I’d be much more interested in low-water toilet options.

    3. Lurker*

      Kind of gross but saves water. I don’t flush toilets for number one more then twice a day. I flush it in the morning after I have gone and before bed. The rest of the day I do my business and then close the toilet lid, unless I go number 2 then I flush.
      Also catch all the cold water when warming up the shower, that’s your plant watering or and other cleaning water now.
      Low flow fixtures can make a difference. Also check all your faucets for leaks, we found a couple that were just barley dripping last time there were water restrictions, that water added up.

      1. A Feast of Fools*

        When I lived in San Francisco during high school (which coincided with a dry La Nina season), one of my friends’ parents had signs in their bathrooms that said, “If it’s yellow, let it mellow; if it’s brown, flush it down.”

        1. Chapeau*

          That can actually damage your fixture and the pipes that drain out of it. My uncle is a landlord who has been through this with more than one tenant, and his plumber said that the stronger the “yellow” is, the more it eats through the pipes, which is a really expensive and messy repair.

    4. Lurker*

      Kind of gross but saves water. I don’t flush toilets for number one more then twice a day. I flush it in the morning after I have gone and before bed. The rest of the day I do my business and then close the toilet lid, unless I go number 2 then I flush. . Also check all your faucets for leaks, we found a couple that were just barley dripping last time there were water restrictions, that water added up.

    5. Double A*

      Check out high sierra showerheads. Locally made, great quality, great water pressure with about the lowest flow you can get. They’re kinda magic.

    6. MaxKitty*

      I don’t drain water used for boiling things like pasta or potatoes or eggs. Instead, after it cools, I use it to water outside plants.

    7. Saving some water*

      We live in rural Calif on a well that has run dry a few times. Here’s some of our strategies.
      1. Don’t run the water while brushing teeth
      2. Don’t run the water while washing hands. Water on, wet hands, water off, lather/scrub for 20 seconds, water on to rinse.
      3. Get instant hot water equipment so you don’t have to run the water waiting for it to get hot
      4. Military showers: water on to wet hair, water off while lathering hair, water on to rinse hair & wet body, water off to apply hair conditioner & lather body, water on to rinse hair & body, another cycle if shaving legs
      5. Don’t go crazy pre-rinsing dishes
      6. Low flow toilets
      7. Only flush after every 2 or 3 times for #1
      8. If possible with your laundry set-up, run a short garden hose from your washing machine to a bucket in a nearby sink & use this gray water outside to water plants
      9. Replace lawn with drought resistant landscaping
      10. Split off plumbing of gray water from one or more tubs & sinks and have it drain onto your landscaping. This is kinda difficult & bootleg and most plumbers wouldn’t do this

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        Following up on the drought-resistant landscaping, mulch is helpful also. That layer on the surface slows evaporation and keeps water in the soil longer.

    8. Skeeder Jones*

      I could fill a page with suggestions, I worked for 2 years at a water district in a job called Water Efficiciency and my job was literally to go to people’s houses and help them identify ways to save water. So rather than giving every suggestion I have, I’ll give a few key ones and the top one is to contact your water district to see if they have any programs for their customers. I currently live in SoCal and most water districts have some kind of assistance for their customers. Also, if you are upgrading any appliances, there may be rebates available through the water district, your electricity provider, and the gas company for your area (saving water saves energy and vice versa).

      Now for a few tips:
      toilet leaks are the number 1 cause of water loss inside the home. You can test your toilet by dropping some ink in the tank (not the bowl), then wait about 10 minutes. If the ink gets into the bowl, then you have a toilet leak. Most toilet leaks are caused by flappers that have corroded over time. It’s a cheap part and an easy fix, there are tons of videos online if you want to do it yourself.
      Landscape watering is the number 1 use of water for residences. Most people overwater and aren’t aware of it. Depending on your soil, it can only absorb water for a few minutes, after that, all water just pools on the top where it evaporates. 10 minutes of watering from a spinkler is too much. You can switch to two 3-minute cycles and use less water while getting more water into the ground. Make sure you are not watering during the hottest periods of the day. Early morning or after the sun goes down are the best times to prevent evaporation.
      If you have turf, check for rebate programs to remove it and replace it with a more water efficient garden
      Learn how to read your water meter. Turn off all water in the house and make sure your water meter is not moving. If it is moving and you are not using water, then you might have a leak.
      Track your usage to see when the periods of highest use are, understand how much water is used by each appliance and track that usage as well. If the water usage is much higher than what you think you’ve used, you may have a leak.
      Those are my top tips.

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        I didn’t know about looking for leaks. Thanks for these great tips.

    9. Tib*

      My grandparents did not have running water aside from a pump in the kitchen. When you have to haul your water you get very good at rationing it. The key is that you only run water to fill a work container and use that to do the job. When you brush your teeth, fill a glass with a bit of water. Use that water to wet your toothbrush, then drink from the glass to rinse your mouth and use the last of the water to rinse your toothbrush. Scrape dishes instead of rinsing them before putting them in the dishwasher. For hand washing dishes, fill a mixing bowl or the biggest pot you used for cooking with a few inches of soapy water. Use a square cake pan for rinse water and use your hand or a cup to rinse the dishes. You’ll have to change the water once or twice but it’s likely still less than if you used running water or filled a dish pan. When you wash your hands or face, fill the sink bowl with a bit of water, wet your hands, lather, and use the water to rinse.

    10. WoodswomanWrites*

      I’ve been incorporating many of the suggestions here already and in the past year considered how I could conserve further. I live in an old building where the water takes a considerable amount of time to warm up, with so much cool water beforehand that it’s hard to collect it all. I handwash my dishes and I heat water in a pot on the stove instead of running the tap. It not only saves water but it’s also faster than the old pipes.

    11. Salymander*

      I keep buckets in the shower to catch the warm up water. Put the shower nozzle right in the bucket. I save a lot of water this way. We have two five gallon buckets in the bathroom. I water my herbs and flowers at home with the water I catch. I might look into containers to bring to the community garden if the city decides to cut down on our water there.

      Keep a large, lidded container next to the kitchen sink. All soap free rinse water goes in. I rinse veggies and fruits right over the bucket. Also, cooking water from vegetables can go in as long as you don’t salt the water. Use the water in you garden or on houseplants.

      If you garden, Bury large pieces of wood about 2-3 feet down in garden beds. The wood rots and will hold a lot of water, so it acts as a sponge to absorb water during the rainy season that is slowly released in the dry season. Burying a layer of wood chips works too, but quicker to decay. If it is deep enough, and your soul has enough organic matter and is rich in nitrogen, the decaying wood shouldn’t have a negative impact on any plant’s ability to absorb nitrogen. This technique is used in Hugel culture beds and is popular in no-dig gardens. Be sure that the wood is not a type that will start sending out roots and taking over the garden.

      Mulch all garden beds at least 2-3 inches deep. Also, plant lower growing plants around taller ones so that the roots are shaded. I plant calendula, borage, nasturtium, marigold, and other flowers and herbs around my vegetable plants, and I use a lot less water because the roots are shaded. The water evaporates more slowly, and the roots stay cooler. You can also use taller plants to shade others. My pole beans and tomatoes shade cooler season herbs and vegetables, and they make the water slow to evaporate.

      I would like a rainwater catchment system. May be you could install one? Or a rain garden that catches and directs rainfall so it doesn’t just go down the storm drain?

    12. Ashkela*

      Don’t. Water. The. Lawn.

      It doesn’t need it. It’s pointless. And it’s incredibly wasteful. I grew up in the SF Bay Area of California and the best yards are the ones that are rock, sand, or succulent-based.

    13. Healthcare Worker*

      Basins! Two in the bathroom, one for washing hands and second for rinsing. Basin in the kitchen to collect clean water, then use to rinse veggies, quick rinse of your fingers and so forth to avoid turning on the tap. Use an electric kettle in the kitchen if you don’t have instant hot water. Have a rain cistern. Lots of good ideas here.

    14. Victoria, Please*

      Thanks everyone, it was fun to read through all these. Thanks, especially, to Skeeder Jones; I reprogrammed my irrigation on your advice.

      Here’s what we already do: Shower buckets. Shortish showers. When it’s warm, bucket baths instead of showers. Drought-tolerant landscaping all around, no grass in sight. Cover the pool (I wish we didn’t have a pool). Never run water while brushing teeth, washing hands, etc. Low-water toilets which are flushed only as necessary. Car gets washed every 6 mos or so, at a facility. Sweep rather than rinse hardscape. Run only full loads of laundry/dishes.

      The laundry is the biggest indoor water-hog. We have an old machine that works perfectly well so I am loathe to switch it. I’d loooove to direct the drainage outside but like someone said, it’s bootleg. Professionals won’t do it and I am not going to punch a hole in the wall myself. I’m not completely averse to *carrying* the rinse water out! Anyone know of non-salt soap? You can’t water plants with laundry water if you use soap with salts, which is basically all the normal readily available ones.

  38. Liminality (Formerly It’s Quarantime!)*

    Hi all, I have appreciated your perspectives, feedback, and support during my chaos over the past year. Thank you. I’m hoping for a new path, so it’s time for a new name/alias. Liminality. :)

    In honor of my handle change, I’m hoping to get your perspective on how we all present ourselves on the interwebz.
    I heard about a study where the trend of ‘best behavior’ tended to be on sites where users kept consistent, but not-real-life-name aliases, rather like this site.
    I am not sure if we talk about other forums here, but with the Recent News going on at the Bird-themed site I have been wondering about web-identity. They say they’re considering making every human get verified, so your private identity must be made public to be part of the interactions there. Of course there is the option of simply not participating on that site but…
    What do you think about anonymity, civility, and transparency in online interactions?

    1. A.N. O'Nyme*

      Honestly I think it’s odd how fast internet culture has changed in that regard – it used to be that using your real name was completely Not Done, and nowadays it’s pretty much expected. On the one hand it helps to get some consequences to people who behave like douches, but on the other hand it leaves vulnerable people even more vulnerable.

      1. fposte*

        It’s kind of full circle, though. In the pre-AOL days, using your real name was absolutely Done and posts generally came from your work or school address. Those AOL folks were mighty sus for posting on forums under weird monikers and no accountability.

        Like you, I’m torn; now is a different culture than then in terms of the scale of people online and how pressure from them can mount disproportionately to any perceived problem in a posted comment. But I do think there’s something to be said for accountability. Maybe anonymity/pseudonymity is something you have to earn and that can be taken away from you.

        1. curly sue*

          I understand why people want it, but that will absolutely put marginalized people and communities in danger. Many writers write under pen names, not because it’s chic but because what they write can put them in danger of losing their jobs, sometimes even their lives. (Say, LGBTQ romance authors who live in areas where such relationships are illegal, but have careers under names not connected to their legal ones.)

          On a slightly less fatal note, I write my romances under a pen name because the hiring end of my professional field tends to regard genre fiction as trashy. If I ever want a chance in hell at a tenure track job, I can’t have my real name associated with something so poorly regarded.

    2. The OG Sleepless*

      I’m comfortable with not being very anonymous online, certainly to the moderators and not necessarily off limits to the members. I’m a Gen Xer and I was in my late 20s when AOL started, so I’ve seen the whole process as an adult. I’ve also spent my entire online life on a professional site that uses real names, and because we are all colleagues it is very easy to verify identities and find each other irl. There is occasional drama, but nothing serious. Back in the day, in places with total anonymity, I saw my share of hoaxes, sock puppets etc. and that was no fun.

    3. Sloanicota*

      FWIW, I love comment sections but I won’t use them if you have to verify your identity to participate. I would stop posting here if you had to use a real name or confirm with even an email probably. I frequently think about how many seemingly-innocuous things I say even on this site that, if someone looked at every comment I’ve ever made, would almost certainly triangulate me and reveal some very uncomfortable things that I would regret having made public. To give you a hint of how paranoid I am (for no particular reason except I don’t think it’s anyone else’s business) I change my user name on this site every year or so, and when I post a comment that is particularly vulnerable I use a specific user name for that.

      1. Despachito*

        Same here.

        If I had to verify my identity, I’d completely stop posting.

        Not that I ever write something I should be ashamed of, or be rude to someone, but I am sometimes amazed how much information on people one can suss out just by browsing on the Internet. I do not want to feed the Big Brother too much, or make things unnecessarily easy for him.

        1. Sloanicota*

          Yep! I’m a millennial and my friends think I’m insane. “Who do you think is using your data for something” and “everybody already has everybody’s data so don’t worry about it” are both common (if seemingly contradictory) things I hear all the time. I don’t know if I’m more concerned about governments, corporations, or criminals getting access to my personal information, and however much is already out there, I don’t feel a need to add to it. Just not a fan of the idea of being watched/tracked everywhere I go.

      2. Snoozing not schmoozing*

        I belong to some health issue sites that require verification like email addresses, although we use fictional names on posts. In those situations, it’s to protect the members from pervs since we discuss very personal matters.

      3. WoodswomanWrites*

        Ditto. The only place I use my full first and last name online is LinkedIn, because I need to do so for professional connections. Everywhere else I use an anonymous user name, and I only leave online comments at sites where I can do that. Even on my personal blog that I’ve had for many years, which has the same title as my user name here, only my first name appears when people who know me occasionally address me in the comments. I don’t use my full name anywhere on my blog because I don’t want it connected with my public professional life.

    4. PollyQ*

      I think one of the reasons that Bird Site took off vs. stagnating like BookFace is precisely because you don’t have to be verified or use your real identity. Certain people are kidding themselves if they think making verified IDs won’t drive away a huge portion of the user base, IMO. But I’ll say that I’ve used this nom de internet widely and for a long time now, so I am generally in favor of people keeping a standard userid.

    5. allathian*

      I think that there’s space for both. I visit a number of sites where the members can use a nick, but where a valid email address is needed to post. I don’t mind the admins knowing my contact info, but I don’t necessarily want every menber to find the real me online or IRL.

      However, I’m not commenting on media sites where they require you to display your full name, because that can lead to too much unpleasantness, including stalking. It’s simply not a risk I’m willing to take.

      I’m also not active on any social media except Whatsapp, and there I only chat with people who are in my contacts already.

      1. Despachito*

        You can still create a valid account and use it just for the purposes of this.

        I think stalking and doxxing are a thing today and are pretty dangerous. Besides that, on sites like this one, people often seek advice on pretty sensitive matters, and although they do not name anyone, if the questions were asked under their real name, it would be easy for someone’s boss to identify themselves and possibly make the asker’s life a living hell.

        1. allathian*

          Yes, indeed. It’s getting tougher to create completely anonymous email accounts, though, because in most cases you have to identify yourself in some way to the email provider. It’s not impossible, but it’s getting harder.

    6. allathian*

      I think that there’s space for both. I visit a number of sites where the members can use a nick, but where a valid email address is needed to post. I don’t mind the admins knowing my contact info, but I don’t necessarily want every menber to find the real me online or IRL.

      However, I’m not commenting on media sites where they require you to display your full name, because that can lead to too much unpleasantness, including stalking. It’s simply not a risk I’m willing to take.

      I’m also not active on any social media except Whatsapp, and there I only chat with people who are in my contacts already.

    7. OtterB*

      I have been using the OtterB handle across multiple online sites for at least 12 years, maybe more, and have several online friends who have done the same. I like being able to spot people that I know from one place in another. I don’t have the concerns many people do about “real names” (I’m not marginalized, not concerned about being “outed” somewhere, not an author who would like to go by her pen name and not her legal name). I’m not faking anything. I’m not extraordinarily careful about my online identity so I’m sure I could be tracked down if someone wanted to. But nevertheless I want to keep a separation between my work and in-person identity and my online identity. I don’t think the comments I make here or the discussions I have elsewhere about science fiction or religious issues need to be available to anyone who might go looking for them.

  39. GraceC*

    Last night I came back from a meal out with a friend to find a Section 21 notice (for non-Brits: termination of lease/no-fault eviction) in the post – I have to be out of my flat by 07/07.

    It completely blindsided me and still doesn’t feel real – I thought I had a pretty good relationship with my landlady, I was a good tenant, I’ve been here for nearly two years no problem. Normally she’s texted me about things like inspections or needing access but I’ve not heard anything from her other than the legal notice through the door. My downstairs neighbour hasn’t had one (upstairs and downstairs of a converted house) so I think she might be moving me out so her daughter can move in?

    This was my first independent place after graduating university and moving out of a shared house, and I feel like I’m floundering with what to do next because I’ve never had to navigate this solo before! I don’t have any friends who’ve dealt with a Section 21 eviction, and no relatives who have rented in the last few decades to ask for advice, so I turn to you, commentariat!

    I’m not looking to contest the eviction, and it seems like all of the online advice about what to do next is with regards to that – so what DO I do next? I’ve already applied to look at a couple of properties, but what happens if I’m ready to move out before 07/07? Can I terminate the lease early or am I stuck paying rent on two places for a month or two? What on earth do I say when I text my landlady to confirm that I’ve received the notice?

    (I understand it’s her legal right to do this, but, venting time: man, it feels shitty, both to not get a heads-up from her beforehand/to have her text me afterwards, and to realise that all the work I’ve put into this place over the last two years is gone just like that)

    1. fposte*

      I don’t know if this translates to UK, but I might try to mentally parse this as “homeowner isn’t renewing my lease for their own reasons”; it seems less of an attack and more of an admin decision.

      A US message might be “Thanks for letting me know. Would it be possible to prorate a lease reduction if I leave a month early, or negotiate a month’s subsequent rent if it takes me a little longer to find a place?” If those aren’t done where you are, then ignore. (It’s also possible that Section 21 gives you certain protections that you’ll want to understand.)

    3. Maggie*

      If you don’t want to contest which it sounds like wouldn’t make much sense in your case (since it sounds like this is within the law) then I would start looking for a place with a July 1 rental date. You could ask your landlord to consider letting you out early if you find a place early. Maybe just having an open conversation with her about your plans as She might be perfectly willing to give a little bit of wiggle room.

    4. Bagpuss*

      You don’t have to respond to her at all.(although of course you can, especially if you wanted to try to agree a different date to leave)

      If you leave early you will be liable for rent unless you agree an earlier termination with her (in which case get it confirmed in writing). Check your tenancy agreement- you may have a shorter notice period (e.g. 1 month) but usually you had to tie in your notice with the tenancy period (ie. if your tenancy runs from the first of the month your notice does too, so that probably won’t help much.

      I would recommend the Martin Lewis Money Saving Expert – have a look in the forums, there are some very knowledgeable people there including some landlords who are very helpful .

      Mostly, do what you are doing, looking for new places. If you can get somewhere where you can have the tenancies overlap by a week do so – it makes moving much less stressful and allows you time to empty the place and clean thoroughly so they can’t easily take any deductions from your deposit. Take photos so you have a record of the property as you leave it in case they try to make deductions.

      I would also read up on the requirements for a valid s21 to check whether yours is- hopefully you will find somewhere new but if not it’s useful to be able to give yourself more time! (If it’s not valid, don’t tell the landlord until shortly before 07/07 and that gives you another 2 months as they’d need to do a new one!

      Best of luck

    5. Jessi*

      If you find a place before then talk to her and ask if you can agree to end it early.

    6. kina lillet*

      It’s pretty likely that she’ll let you out of the lease early. I’d check beforehand: just something like, “Hi, I got the section 21. Would you be open to prorating the last month or ending the lease early if I find a new place with a lease that starts before 7/7?” If you were in the US, I might phrase it as going month to month until 7/7, which means you could leave whenever, but also leaves it open for your landlord kicking you early.

      Yes, it absolutely sucks. It’s a home to you and it’s awful that to a landlord it’s money that they can play with. a trinket and a tool to move around. It’s not really ok, but it’s also just part of renting. I’m sorry.

    7. Lemons*

      Can you communicate with the landlady by email instead from now on, so that you have a written record? If you previously had a fairly convivial relationship it’s apparently gone by the wayside, so the parameters have changed. I would try getting an email contact at least, from the letting agency if not her (if there is one).
      I advise this because there’s usually some some disagreement at an end of tenancy. Maybe only minor details, but my own experience makes me suss of your landlady, tbh.

      Apart from communication, what were your interactions like? Did she carry out the inspections herself, respond in a timely manner to repairs etc., and get your annual gas/electricity check done on time? These aren’t a guarantee, but could give you more idea of whether you’re dealing with someone who accepts their legal responsibilities, or someone who’s (excuse the phrasing) fannying about pretending to landlord but without any of the necessary objectivity.

      A week to a fortnight’s overlap between properties would probably be enough to get a flat sorted. If you have a check-in condition report with photos, find that out and go through room by room. Take your own photos now, if you don’t have any from when you moved in. It won’t prove condition for then, of course, but it’s useful to have your own record when you’re no longer there and sorting out the deposit return. For an example: when we left our last house, the letting agency (not the actual landlord, I should stress) tried claiming from us for damage that was a) in the check-in report and b) had been reported to them several times since. Expect everything to be quibbled over and ensure you know how/why things got that way. Admit anything you did actually damage, and consider paying for a cleaning service if you can afford it and can’t do it all yourself- or don’t want to.

      I’ve been in this situation and it’s hideous (we had only been there five months and the the house was sold, which was not mentioned as a possibility when we moved in). I wish it were not happening to you.
      I’m not very brightsidey and I’m not going to tell you that positivity makes everything right, but I can tell you that the absolute cold rage that was my response to our S21 was my motivation for dealing with it. I don’t agree that anger solves nothing, for me it’s a catalyst and gets me over a lot of hesitation in awkward circumstances. Whenever I had to ring someone else or write a pointed email, I’d start overwhelmed and then go ‘No, I’m not having this. I am ANGRY. Something is getting dealt with today’. I didn’t rage *at* anyone, just privately, but I redirected the energy. And the first viewing we booked ended up being our home for 6 years thereafter with great landlords who never shat us around once. I hope you land right on your feet in a new place that’s even better.

    8. Tib*

      I don’t think I’d view this as a change in your relationship. I mean, it is, she’ll no longer be your landlord so it’s an end to your business relationship, but I wouldn’t read much into her slipping it under the door. She’s unexpectedly “breaking-up” with you and that can be emotionally risky. She’s taking away your home. People often give advice to deliver difficult information at a distance to allow the other person time to adjust in private. So I’d assume that was her reasoning and that things are normal between you. All you have to say in a text is that you’ve received the notice and are looking for a new place. you could add that you might have questions about flexibility in moving dates and other process-questions so she’ll expect them. I think that once she sees you’re handling this professionally she’ll start communicating with you normally.

      As for all the work you put into the place: think of it as things you did for _you_ to improve your environment while you were living there. Generally people advise us not to spend money improving someone else’s investment, but I think it can be worth it if it means something to you and makes your life better. I was willing to spend my own money on a closet system in one place I rented because it would have made the closet so much more usable. Fortunately, the landlord thought it was a great idea, figured out a way to do it much cheaper, and installed and paid for it himself.

    9. Courageous cat*

      It sucks a lot, but I do think you’re taking this more personally than you should. This is just how renting can go, and unfortunately you have to be prepared to move at any time, ideally. I dont think it means you’ve been a bad tenant or anything else.

      Just talk to her and ask her if she’d be willing to work with you on the date. If you’ve had a decent relationship I bet she would!

      1. London Calling*

        This. It’s not personal, she’s terminating your business relationship.

        1. kina lillet*

          I think this is kindly meant, but the actual problem is that to one person it’s losing a beloved home and to the other person it’s a business decision. It’s common and you do have to emotionally deal with it as a renter, but it shouldn’t be this way and it does stink.

    10. star*

      That sounds rough, she could have handled this better. Citizens Advice Bureau may be able to advise you?

      1. London Calling*

        Landlady has done exactly what she is required to do legally. The link I posted is from a charity that has a great deal of experience in situations like this and explains how the process works.

    11. Anonosaurus*

      On the procedural stuff, check out the Shelter website or call the helpline.

      On the emotional stuff, it is very unsettling to realise that you will have to leave your home, and having feelings about this is normal. In a long term rental situation I think one forgets that it’s actually someone else who owns the home. I’ve been on both sides of this relationship and I would say that it’s probably not going to help to focus on why she has terminated the tenancy or why she didn’t give you a heads up. Most people aren’t going to do the latter because this is awkward or because the letting agent advises them not to. On the former it’s highly unlikely this has anything to do with your behaviour as a tenant and you may well be right that she wants to use the space for someone else.

      I hope you find somewhere else you like soon and can work with the owner on the move out date. Also make sure you get your deposit back – Shelter can advise on that too if any issues.

  40. Isabel*

    Does anyone have any advice about navigating roommates/living situations? I keep worrying that I’m incapable of living apart from my family.

    Background: I moved into my dorm in August 2020 and moved out six weeks later, because I was absolutely miserable. Because of COVID, classes were entirely online and all I ever did was move between my dorm and the dining hall across the street. I didn’t have any friends and felt really isolated, and I had some conflicts with my roommate (she was on the dance team and kept bringing her friend to practice – with loud music – in our living room).

    From last August until next week, I’ve been living in an off-campus apartment with a roommate, and I hate her dog. Last semester was great, but this semester has been a nightmare. He’s developed such severe anxiety that he routinely whines even when my roommate is here – and when she’s not, he either howls or barks (for at least 30 min. each time, once for 3 hours). I forced myself to stick it out until the end of the lease because I didn’t want to fail yet again, but I was only able to do that by frequently spending weekends at my parents’ house and sleeping over at my partner’s apartment whenever possible.

    Now he and I will be working for the summer in the same out-of-state city and we’re getting an apartment together. And I am so worried that something will happen yet again to prove that I’m not capable of living with people other than my family. Maybe I have unreasonably high expectations for low noise levels and lots of space for myself? I would love any sort of advice about this topic, because I’m really scared something will go wrong.

    1. fposte*

      In full disclosure, I live alone and like it a whole lot.

      I think some of us just are more jarred by external input than others, and while you can learn to tune that out, it’s not the end of the world if you just end up working around it instead. I think the dog thing would have been hard for a lot of people and that’s why some people want pet-free living; the dance team thing would have annoyed me but that might also been an occasion for some compromise of hours/days where that was acceptable and where it wasn’t.

      It’s that latter that I think is worth considering when you’re moving in with somebody, even a partner. It’s better to find a way to make a non-shared preference workable but also reasonably limited, IMHO, than to try to ban things that somebody really enjoys. The goal is for neither of you to have to skulk around in your own space.

      1. Isabel*

        Thank you – that’s worth considering. As for the dance thing, that actually bothered me much less than the general isolation, which is why I’m worried about moving to a state where I won’t know anyone except my partner. But at the same time I’ll have a job (and hopefully get along with my coworkers – the people who interviewed me were really nice) and a car and things to do (it’s the state capital), which I guess is very different than spending 95% of my time in a dorm room.

        1. fueled by coffee*

          One thing that helped me when I moved to a city where I knew no one after college was to reframe how I think about adult friendships. In movies and TV shows, we frequently see groups of BFFs all hanging out together for hours on end all the time (a la Friends), but that’s rarely how actual adult friendships work. When you move, sign up for a couple of activities or classes that seem interesting to you, and where you’ll enjoy the activity even if you aren’t BFFs. It keeps you from feeling isolated (you have things to do!) but is also a way to *make* some friendships – it’s just that those friendships won’t necessarily go from 0 to “I would have this person in my wedding party” overnight.

          My adult life is a lot less like Friends and a lot more of “There’s Friend A who I grab coffee with after yoga class and then on Wednesday night I have book club with Friends B and C, and even though I don’t really hang out with them much outside of book club it’s nice to catch up once a month. Then Friend D from my hometown is visiting next weekend so we’ll hang out together, and people at work were talking about doing a happy hour sometime…” and so on.

          1. Salymander*

            This is good advice. I have community garden friends and volunteer gig friends. We don’t see each other outside our friend situation, but it still satisfies my need for socialization. I live with my husband and our kid, and we don’t have housemates, thank goodness. I choose to be friendly with neighbors but not actually friends because I think it keeps conflict to a minimum by lowering the stakes. I think this applies to roommate situations too. If I am close friends with a roommate, I might be tempted to put off conflict until a small issue becomes a much bigger deal because I don’t want to argue with my friend. With a friendly but more neutral housemate, it is easier to handle conflict early on before small issues become big, festering problems. The annoying dog would be hard to tolerate, and having dance team practice in the living room several times a week seems like a big imposition to me. Dance teams usually have a studio where they meet, don’t they? A university must have other places that are better suited for dance practice than your living room. And it isn’t unusual to want a pet free household. I think it is better to tell roommates how you feel about those things, so a compromise could be reached that is more livable for everyone. You would not be unreasonable at all for wanting to negotiate a better situation.

            You are not doomed to live alone just because you don’t want to live and study in a loud, chaotic dance studio while being pestered by a whiny dog. Your requirements for a roommate seem very reasonable to me.

        2. fposte*

          I can also see that when you’re feeling generally isolated somebody else being noisily not-isolated in the same space would bite with particular keenness.

          And I certainly wouldn’t consider that two unsatisfactory roommating situations would mean you can never ever live happily with somebody else.

    2. Still*

      This sounds like a them problem, not a you problem. Not wanting to listen to very loud dance music or to a miserable, howling dog are NOT high standards.

      Moving in with your partner can come with its own challenges but a huge difference compared to roommates is that this is a person who loves you and wants to make you happy. They have much more of an incentive to be a good housemate.

      I’m sure others will give you a ton of good advice about things to consider and talk about in advance, but I just wanted to chime in and say, I don’t think those two experiences say anything about your ability to live with other people.

    3. Dark Macadamia*

      I really don’t think this is a situation where you “failed” so try to challenge that framing in your mind.

      The first time in a dorm is a weird experience for everyone! It’s not a normal living situation, and most people don’t really have any “roommate skills” yet to manage conflicts effectively. Dealing with all that during a pandemic when you’re not really getting as much of the social benefit of campus life has to be even harder.

      It’s not clear how much you and your roommate tried to work together on the dog situation but again, “the dog is howling and I’m sick of it” is not a failure to be independent.

      When moving in with a partner, even if you’ve had great roommate experiences, it’s important to communicate a lot – how will you share chores, what are your routines, preferences about noise and alone time, etc. My concern here would be less “can you handle being away from your family” and more… are you moving in together because you both WANT to live together, now, because it’s the right path for your relationship?

      1. Isabel*

        That’s a really good point! I do think it’s the right step – we’ll have to do long-distance from August to May while I finish up university, so we want to spend as much time together while we can.

    4. fueled by coffee*

      It sounds like you’re learning a lot about things you can’t tolerate from roommates! Everyone has their dealbreakers: for you, it sounds like you need quiet & no pets, which are completely reasonable expectations to have. Other people need a strict cleaning schedule and chore wheel, or rules about sharing food, or a separate bedroom for their 13 pet gerbils.

      In the future, if it’s financially feasible, you can always live alone — plenty of people don’t like sharing space with roommates, and it sounds like you might be one of them! But for now it sounds like you’re a student and roommate situations will be the norm for the near future. As you spend more time in roommate situations, you’ll get better at discerning when someone would NOT be a good person to live with.

      In terms of setting yourself up for success (with your partner or other roommates): it sounds like you want to have an explicit agreement about things including: (1) when guests are allowed over, (2) expectations regarding noise (it’s unreasonable to demand quiet ALL the time, but you can set rules like “No loud guests/music/etc. between 10pm and 9am, or after 5pm the night before an exam” (or whatever), and (3) no pets. For the apartment itself, if space is important to you, you definitely want to be sure that you have at least one room per person — i.e., do NOT move into a studio with your partner – make sure you have at least a living area and bedroom so that you can close a door somewhere if you need space. And invest in some noise canceling headphones!

      1. Isabel*

        Thank you for the advice! We’re most likely getting a 2-bed 2-bath apartment, thankfully.

        And yeah, I’m hoping that these two living situations was just a run of bad luck. For context, I regularly work in cafes or by the apartment pool while people are swimming, so I definitely don’t need complete silence or anything like that. Loud music and barking/howling is just a bit too much for me, but hopefully with your tips I’ll be able to avoid those things in the future.

    5. Koala dreams*

      If anything, try to have higher standards in the future. For example, pets are a common source of problems, so many people avoid sharing living space with other people’s pets. Eventually you’ll learn what kind of arrangements work for you and what to avoid. I think most people have some roommates horror story or neighbor conflict. That’s just life. It feels horrible when you are stuck in a bad situation, but then you move out and the memory fades.

      Also, hopefully things will be better in the future. The pandemic has made dealing with things a lot harder.

    6. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

      Everything has been in hard mode for the last two years — classes entirely online and going nowhere other than your dorm room and the dining hall across the street means you didn’t have any of the relief valves from you going to the library to do some of your reading, or her practicing dance at the gym or a dance studio, and so on.

      My only advice is probably unnecessary: if neither of you has a pet now, don’t get one at least until you’ve worked out patterns of living together when it’s both of your place, not you spending the weekend at his.

      This time, you’re starting with the advantage that you’re choosing to live with this person, not being handed someone random by the university housing department.

    7. RagingADHD*

      You are not incapable of living with other people. You just haven’t (or haven’t been able to) effectively screened out unsuitable people. Nobody can just up and live with anyone at all, no matter their habits. Some roommate situations just aren’t going to work out because the people are incompatible. You just happened to have two in a row.

      Both of those situations sound like they would be intolerable to a lot of people. The skill you need to develop is in talking about lifestyle and noise issues up front, and then politely holding the roommate to their commitment. Same for your partner – communicate and talk things out. If there is something that needs compromise, make sure to discuss how *both* your needs will be met. For example, if your partner wants to have people over to do something noisy, you might go out. And then your partner would go out and leave you the place to yourself for an evening. Turn about is fair play.

      There are plenty of other quiet people with regular habits who would be pleased to have a likeminded roomie like you. Y’all just need to find each other.

    8. moonstone*

      It sounds like you’re being too hard on yourself. You’re not “failing” at anything – you are having a very normal reaction to an unideal/incompatible living situation. It’s okay to feel uncomfortable with some roommate set ups and more comfortable with others. (And of course, if living on your own is an option for you I definitely recommend that!)

      When I had roommates (basically between the ages of 18-28), dogs were definitely a dealbreaker for me. I would recommend against rooming with this person again and find another roommate if at all possible!

      1. moonstone*

        Also, I want to second what others have pointed above – it’s normal at the college age to have trouble adjusting to roommates! Everyone does at that age. And you expectations surrounding noise are completely reasonable. You can’t expect complete silence all the time, but loud dance music and a howling dog are a lot.

    9. Tib*

      I went through a lot of roommates in my younger years. I had different roommates/suite mates every year of college, after college I was moving on average every 8 months and changing roommates each time. It’s entirely possible/likely that I’m not that easy to live with. Although, many of my past roommates are still speaking to me, so it could also just be that that’s how it is for some people. Despite that, I’ve been married for 20+ years and we haven’t had significant problems living together.

      My guess is your dorm roommate was chosen for you, which is like a roll of the dice, so I wouldn’t read much into that experience. I’d also assume neither one of you had experience living with a stranger. Under normal circumstances, you could have tried to work it out with your roommate or switched when you had the opportunity. You would have had better opportunities to make friends that would have made your roommate situation more tolerable. She may have had or found other, better choices for rehearsing than your room. My guess is you moved out more because of the rest of your college experience and not because of your roommate. And currently, you don’t seem to be having a problem with your human roommate, just the dog. And your roommate’s inability to address her dog’s needs. So I wouldn’t count that as you having difficulty living with others. It’s just a very short string of bad roommates.

      Plus, when you’re living with your partner, you’ll both hopefully work together to negotiate the issues you’re bound to encounter. We use different criteria to choose a partner than we do a roommate. And living with people is hard no matter who they are. You’re used to living with your family and they’re used to living with you. That doesn’t mean there aren’t problems, you just don’t see them as well because they’re familiar. I think you’ll do fine.

    10. WoodswomanWrites*

      Everything you describe sounds familiar since I had similar incompatibilities with roommates in college that weren’t people I chose to live with. That’s really common, and you’re by no means a failure.

      When living with a partner, there are things you can come up with that make it easier to live with each other. We had separate bedrooms so we could have physical space if we wanted quiet and had room for our particular stuff. We generally enjoyed the same genres of music n those days before digital music when it was hard to isolate our listening, but each had something we enjoyed that the other couldn’t stand. Our agreement was that we would play that particular music only when the other person wasn’t home (Led Zeppelin for him, Sweet Honey in the Rock for me).

  41. AnonCanadian*

    Warning for maternal death & all things mother’s day

    I am really, really struggling this year with Mother’s day weekend. Some struggle is normal, the last non-fraught mothers day weekend was when I was 11 before my mom got sick and died but this feels worse than normal. My Dad remarried less than 2 years after my mom died and it was hard. Like really, really hard because she had never had kids before and all of a sudden had a bunch… she had completely unrealistic expectations, I was the oldest and I didn’t deal well with it – being an angry grieving teenager by that time. Since having kids, it’s probably harder than before. I kind of ignored it before I had kids but she’s grandma and well, she’s a good one. She always made Mother’s Day hard – for my own mom we didn’t do much more than make cards, spend some time together – she always expected it to be this HUGE deal and made it clear that we always fell short (and I always resented doing much). I’ve never called her mom, but my siblings do so I’ve always been the problem that way. She recently told my kids (apparently they asked – no ideal how the hell this came up) that I didn’t accept her until my oldest was born. No, she’s just never excepted that she’s not my mom, but I do consider her a parent and it’s never, ever been enough (huge war over the whole thing and all she can see is her expectations not being met and how it hurts – I get it but I cannot do more, I’m sorry but I had a mother, she died, she didn’t choose to leave).

    This year, I called her on Friday to basically say I’m not up for anything this year (which to be honest, I don’t do much even with the kids and I’m not consistent – she will get a card for sure but that may be all). My husband has COVID, I’m not sleeping well. Work has been crazy – and basically my anxiety is already through the roof and depression is knocking at my door (not that we acknowledge those things with my parents – we again do not talk about it). I have a therapist, I didn’t expect this weekend to throw me so much and I really feel the need to tell someone – but no one I know really understands and I’ve spent my life hiding my feeling to not hurt other people (as in I would never post about how much Mother’s Day sucks under my own name). And it feels like its just everywhere this year and I’m failing all over the place. I know I hurt my step-mother by not doing much but its so complicated.

    My husband finally got the message that the kids need to do cards, but I had to tell him and that feels horrible as well. And I don’t need or what anything crazy. I really, really don’t but homemade cards (or store bought – but not an option this year) are really appreciated.

    For those of you who find this weekend hard – what are you doing to cope? Thanks for reading. It helps just to tell someone how I feel. I will check in later but I have all the house work to do today, the groceries, the cleaning (my house is gross and some of it needs to be done, not all but some).

    1. Texan In Exile*

      I am so sorry. I am sorry for your awful loss and for the situation with your stepmother. For what it’s worth, I think she is being and has been unreasonable. She isn’t your mother!

      And she was the adult when she married your father – she should have been concerned about your feelings – you, who were a child who had lost her mother, not getting upset that you were not handling hers.

      I hope your husband recovers easily and quickly.

    2. fposte*

      I don’t find this weekend hard, exactly. But as somebody who lost their mother early as well, I’m annoyed by how much random marketing is being pushed on me in the assumption that I have a mother and I want to spend a crapton of money and time on a single day of the year. My family, thank heavens, wasn’t one to do a big fuss over those holidays anyway, and I’m really taken aback by the growing expectations for how much has to be done for mother’s day and from what directions. (I think it’s for kids, with gentle assistance of another adult if the kids are little, to make a card or do a nice thing for their mom. No obligation from partners, no obligation from grandkids, cousins, in-laws, etc.)

    3. Squirrel Nutkin*

      Sending you a HUGE hug. I know you’ve got things that you have to do, but can you also do some “this weekend is really hard for me and I need to be nice to myself” things? Bubble bath? Good book? Your favorite takeout food? Blasting some favorite music?

      And please don’t beat yourself up for somehow “failing” — sending step-mom a card is plenty. You don’t owe her some perfect Mothers’ Day fantasy interaction.

      Totally different situation, but I sometimes find this holiday hard because I never had kids, though I wanted to. I am ordering a nice pizza and reading *Sense and Sensibility*.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      Oh this so sucks. I am so sorry.

      What I see here is a bunch of grief- I mean– mourning. I don’t think we ever stop grieving a loss and parents are in a special category of their own. We carry the loss of our parents with us for the rest of our lives. I read an article that said that doctors recognize in our parent’s passing we begin our own downhill spiral. This is how HARD it is to lose a parent- our health takes a down turn.

      As gently as possible, I would like to suggest you forget your step-mother for a minute. Just think about you and your mom. See, step-mom and other people can be a crutch that enables us to not process our own grief as we need to. Just focus on you and your mom. I think with each decade (roughly) our parents look different to us, even though they may be long gone from our lives we can often catch ourselves wondering this or that. “I wonder what it was like for mom when she was pregnant?” Or “I wonder what it was like for mom when she lost her own mother?” and many other questions. These questions seem to keep the wound open and the grief flowing.

      And now you are a mom and you are in uncharted territory- you did not get to watch your mom do mom-ly things with you guys as you grew up. So you have to figure stuff out and then there’s the additional layer that never goes away: no mom.

      It’s long past time for you to invest in YOU. The adults around you should have tried harder to help you work through your grieve so many years ago. But they didn’t for whatever reason. Please consider joining a grief group and/or getting some grief counseling. Please consider going to a nutritionist- see, grief pulls vitamins and minerals out of our bodies at a scary clip. Lacking vitamins and minerals our minds get sluggish and like dominos falling over, our ability to process and deal with our sorrows also tanks. Something else that might appeal to you is massage therapy. Tight muscles go hand-in-hand with this stress and this grief. It’s not unusual to cry in massage therapy as the tension goes out of muscles. Physical relief can lead to mental relief of some sort.

      What ever you pick, go one thing at at time so you can clearly see what is of some help. Understand that it is going to take several tools to help you here because we are talking about a huge life event. Think of it this way, if I told you my house burned to the ground and I said I needed several types of professionals to help me, you wouldn’t bat an eye. You’d agree, right? I would need insurance people, contractor people, a temporary landlord person and so on. Losing a parent is a bigger life event. Bringing in tools/professionals to help you along just makes good sense. It’s time for you to get the care you should have had years ago.

      Okay back to step-mom. You are the oldest? So you knew the most , saw the most of any of the kids. You bore the brunt of all that happened. It’s not reasonable that anyone would expect you to be like the other sibs. Your position in the family is unique, so no, you will not react the way other children would. The person who really needs to understand this is YOU, because you are the person who is best to decide what you will do to help you.

      I have no clue where this will land with step-mom. And in some ways it does not matter. The most important part is that you get in the support that meets your unique needs. Step-mom may have been a huge let down, but don’t let your own self down. For my own things, I read several books about mother-less daughters. Their punchline was we need to be a good mommy to our own selves.

      FWIW, I believe that our loved ones keep loving us from their spiritual plane. I am sure your mom loves you and is very proud of you for all you have done in life so far. Does thinking of your mom as still cheering for you, help in some small way?

    5. Colette*

      I don’t find this weekend hard, but it’s ok if you do. And I have little patience for demands to go or someone in the way they want.

      Is it possible to talk to your stepmother at some other time of year, and reset the expectations? Something like “stepmom, I really appreciate how you’ve been there for me since I was a teenager, and you’re a great grandma – my kids couldn’t have better. I know you like a big fuss on Mother’s Day, but I’m not a big fuss kind of person. I wanted to let you know that although I don’t make a fuss, I appreciate you so much”.

    6. Invisible today*

      Sending virtual hugs if they are wanted. So sorry for your double-loss (mother and relationship with step mother) and for the stress and pain you are experiencing right now.

    7. Potatoes gonna potate*

      I’m sorry for your loss and I’m sorry for the situation with your stepmom.

      This weekend has always been rough for me (unable to get pregnant, finally had a baby but a bad relationship w my own mom) but this year it’s hitting hard. I’m sick with a cold right now so I’m definitely not going anywhere tomorrow. Eid was last weekend and the baby was sick so we didn’t do anything then either, and my birthday is next week; all in all, a month of multiple celebrations will instead be a month of nothing. I have a lot of things to do at home but all I want to do is just sleep. I did get my mom a card and I always make a point to celebrate my SIL who’s a great stepmom but otherwise, nothing.

      I hope Sunday goes a lot better for you. I find the lead-up to the holiday is more stressful than the day itself.

    8. allathian*

      I’m so sorry for the loss of your mother. It sounds like you were never allowed to mourn your mother as you would’ve needed to do. You were still in active grief when your father got married again, and that’s probably one reason why you seem to still resent your stepmother on some level. Because your siblings are younger than you are, they have fewer memories of your mother, and that may be why it’s been easier for them to accept your stepmom as a replacement to the point that they’re calling her mom.

      If you have the means to do so, I really recommend seeing a grief therapist. If you can find one who specializes in seeing clients who have lost a parent when they were kids, all the better. It’s one thing to lose a parent when you’re an adult, and it happens to most people unless they’re unfortunate enough to die before their parents or lose their parents at a young age. If the relationship was good and loving, you grieve them, and if it was bad, most people still mourn the relationship they wanted but never had. But a child doesn’t really have the same tools to deal with grief and loss as an adult does, and I hope that the adult you can find the means to console the child in you who wasn’t allowed to mourn her mom.

      Therapy would also be a way for you to sort out through any feelings of betrayal you may feel towards your father for marrying so soon after your mother’s death. People grieve at different rates, but two years is a very short time for a grieving person to meet someone new, fall in love with them, and get married. How much do you know about your father and stepmother’s relationship and how and when it started?

      Many people who know they’re going to die at a relatively young age worry a lot about their spouse’s future happiness. When my cousin had terminal cancer when he was 34, he made sure that everyone in the family knew that he wanted his wife and the mother of her children to find happiness when he was gone, and that he wanted her to find someone else to share her life with. So when she got married again about 3 years later, she didn’t get any blowback from his family, because everyone knew that she was not only moving on in her life, but also carrying out his last wishes.

      I think that your stepmother is being totally unreasonable. She was unreasonable when you were a teen, and she’s still being unreasonable. I’m glad that she’s such a great grandmother to your kids, and I hope you can find some comfort in that. I also hope that you can get her to accept that you don’t see her as your mother and you never will, but that that doesn’t mean that she isn’t an important person in your life.

      Wishing your husband a speedy and complete recovery.

    9. Salymander*

      I am so sorry that you are having a hard time. Your stepmother sounds unreasonable and not very compassionate. It was her job and your dad’s to try to help you to cope and adjust when they married, but it sounds like instead she expected you all to be thrilled and adoring. It was not your job to make her feel special and to fulfill her expectations of motherhood. She will probably continue to be unreasonable, and it seems that she trained you dad and siblings to cater to her in this way, but that doesn’t mean that she is right. Her behavior seems rather selfish to me, both when you were a child and now that you are an adult. Besides, you are a mom now. Can’t you have some time to yourself on mother’s day? Take time to feel however you feel without apology. It isn’t your job to put your grief aside and make a fuss over your stepmother.

  42. DJ Abbott*

    So, I’m 60 years old and didn’t do the things I was supposed to do with money when I was young. I never bought a condo or any other property and didn’t make a whole lot of effort to save for retirement. I’ve always gotten by financially and currently live in a studio apartment with landlords I’m not sure about. They seem well-meaning but naïve, and more focused on market value than appreciating good tenants.
    I have a Roth 401(k) with approximately 20,000 in it. Do you think it would be a good investment if I took some of that money and bought a condo? I’d have to find a short sale or some kind of deal. I’m in Chicago and like living in inner-city neighborhoods near good transit.

    1. Jessi*

      Do you have other money saved? I don’t imagine 20k would be a good deposit in inner Chicago (most large cities have very expensive property) even if it is enough for a good deposit, would you be approved for a mortgage? Do you have money in case the heating breaks/a pipe bursts/ to replace the fridge?

    2. Sloanicota*

      I think a good financial planner would ask you about your retirement plans and how long you would like to work. If you are relatively close to retirement it may not make sense to put a bunch of your cash into an asset that essentially locks it up, and may require more cash immediately to maintain value (for example, a leak that must absolutely be fixed right now). Not all locations make more sense to own vs rent, and if your current place is affordable you may be able to do better with ROI on investments.

    3. Asenath*

      You need more information than that – what proportion that is of your retirement savings, tax implications of taking it out, what you can buy for your money in your desired location, and whether you’ll have enough left over to live on once you buy, keeping in mind that maintenance costs exist and may go up, and that you may retire fairly soon. In many situations, buying a property you can live in makes good financial sense. I think the best financial decision I ever made was to buy at a time in my life when some people advised me not to. But I was able to get a small place for approximately what I would have paid in rent, and rents went up. It was a serious financial struggle at first when things went wrong and I had to pay for repairs. Over time, it really paid off, largely because the mortgage payment stayed the same for 5 years at a time, and rents went up. But I know in other places where the housing market is different, my decision would have been a terrible one. I’d say get the financial end worked out – figure out exactly what you can afford to pay, taking into account future maintenance costs. By my standards, the “We can offer you $$$$$$$$$ for your mortgage!” were way too high for my income and stomach for financial risk, and I stuck to borrowing no more than I absolutely required. Then start looking, without a strict deadline so you don’t buy in a panic, and doing all that due diligence stuff about inspections and checking out condo financial health.

    4. Aphrodite*

      That sounds like me. I bought my first (and last) home about a year and a half ago, when I was in my late sixties. My mother had died about six months before that and I got the down payment money I needed. I love it! No more “rental beige” apartments. No more of that tiny nagging insecure feeling that never went away because I never truly knew when I might get a notice they wanted me out. (I was an excellent tenant but things happen.) No more worry every year when on the date I moved in I wondered how much my rent increase would be. Now I choose want to live with. True, there’s taxes and insurance that go up but it doesn’t feel the same to me. I love it, and I would encourage you to do it. Despite the costs–and I had to have a handyman out yesterday–I feel a freedom and security that I never once felt while renting.

      1. Sloanicota*

        This is a great point, I think buying can be a great decision if you actually want to own (and maintain) your property yourself. As purely an investment, it can go either way.

    5. Aphrodite*

      That sounds like me. I bought my first (and last) home about a year and a half ago, when I was in my later sixties. My mother had died about six months before that and I got the down payment money I needed. I love it! No more “rental beige” apartments. No more of that tiny nagging insecure feeling that never went away because I never truly knew when I might get a notice they wanted me out. (I was an excellent tenant but things happen.) No more worry every year when on the date I moved in I wondered how much my rent increase would be. Now I choose want to live with. True, there’s taxes and insurance that go up but it doesn’t feel the same to me. I love it, and I would encourage you to do it. Despite the costs–and I had to have a handyman out yesterday–I feel a freedom and security that I never once felt while renting.

    6. MaxKitty*

      I don’t know that I would want to be a first-time homeowner at age 60. Even condos have unexpected costs (including assessments if the building needs a lot of work all of a sudden). And you may well need that money down the road. You might be better off continuing to rent—maybe look into senior housing complexes?

    7. DJ Abbott*

      Thanks everyone! I don’t have any other savings. I had a few thousand, but pandemic unemployment used up most of that.
      I know I would need to find a place where the mortgage is comparable to the rent I pay now or less, and would need to have money for repairs. I have a good job now and I’m working on building my savings back up.
      I know I don’t have enough to buy retail. It would have to be a serendipitous find of a short sale that’s below market value.
      I’m not planning to retire soon, it will be at least 10 years assuming my health holds out. Love my new job…
      If things happened that made paying for the condo untenable I could always sell it, right?

      1. llama paw prints*

        I’m not American, so I don’t know all the things, but … are you getting a pension? What are you living on in 10 years? Was this 401k (a retirement account, I think) meant to be what you live on? If you put a deposit on a condo/house, will you have it paid off when you retire? If so, what are you living on? If not, where is the money coming from to pay the mortgage/condo fees/repairs? If you sell again because you need money, are there extra taxes? Where I live realtors take 1-4% of the sale cost, plus buying a new place incurs a certain move-in tax. So, if you buy a place and sell it for the same amount (say), you’re actually out the taxes/realtor fees.

      2. Forgotten username*

        If you are wanting to buy in a desirable area, it will be very difficult for you to buy with only 20k down. First you have to wait for that unicorn – a short sale, an underpriced property, etc – and second you will be competing against everyone else wanting that unicorn. You’ll be up against investors, flippers, other people trying to buy a first property… Competition will be fierce.

        And let’s say that things align and you do manage to beat out all other bidders. Now you have real estate taxes, mortgage, repair costs of anything where the previous owners let things slide, furniture/decorating costs like putting up curtains, water/sewer, other utilities, paint, etc., stuff adds up FAST in home ownership.

        And yes, if you find you can’t manage it, you can always sell. But now you have to put it on the market, hire a realtor, get ready to leave the house whenever someone wants to view it, pay the realtor fee, pay taxes on any amount you gain since you might not have lived in it at least two years to avoid a certain amount of taxes… It’s not as easy as just returning a pair of sneakers to the store when you change your mind.

        And on top of all that, this 20k is your only savings. I would not be comfortable, personally, having all of that tied up in a house I can’t sell quickly. Suppose I have a medical emergency and can’t work for a while, what if my car gets hit by someone else and it’s totaled but I live in an area where a car is a necessity, etc.

        So I don’t want to discourage you and certainly you could go to open houses, talk to brokers and get a realistic view of what kind of competition is out there and how good your offer would need to be, but just keep in mind that even if all those factors are in your favor, you will definitely need to have some savings/accessible money *after* the purchase of a home because there will be costs you haven’t predicted.

      3. BlueWolf*

        Not a real estate expert, just a recent first time homebuyer who did a lot of research. Yes, you could sell if it gets to be too much financially, but there are closing costs, appraisal fees, inspector fees, etc. you are paying on the front end that are not part of the down payment, and there would also be certain closing costs when you sell, so I think the general advice is you need to live in a place about 5-7 years to build up enough equity to offset the closing costs, unless the property appreciates in value significantly. It’s a tough time to buy with interest rates going up and prices still high, but depending on the area you are looking at the condo market may be somewhat less crazy. Condo maintenance will also in general be somewhat less unpredictable than a single family home, but as others have said you would really want to look at the financial health of the condo association because an unexpected assessment could be significant if major repairs are needed to the building. I looked at a townhome in an HOA that seemed like a good option (and less expensive than other properties), but upon reviewing the HOA finances we found out that about 30% of owners were behind on their dues. Sometimes a property is cheaper for a reason. If you are serious about it you would want to make sure you have a good realtor to advise you. Also, it is possible to get a good deal through a short sale, but I would guess with the increase in home prices during the pandemic that they are few and far between and short sales can also take longer than a standard sale.

      4. Bluephone*

        hese are all issues that need to be brought to a financial planner (specializing in imminent retirement), a real estate broker, etc.

        With the caveat that I am not those things: do not bet on being able to easily sell a condo if you suddenly need to offload it. If there’s one thing that condos are infamous for, even to idiots like me, it’s that they’re not a great investment property (hah!), have poor resale value, and are a PITA to u load onto some other unsuspecting buyer.

      5. RagingADHD*

        Not to be all doom and gloom, but whether or not you can sell it greatly depends on what went wrong to make you unable to pay for it.

        When my husband lost his job in the Great Recession, it took us 2 years to sell our apartment, and we lost at least a third of the equity we had in it. So if something happens to *just you,* you can probably sell it.

        If something happens to *everybody,* maybe not.

    8. fposte*

      I would incline toward a “no,” though it depends on if you have any other savings in an IRA or taxable and what your Social Security payments look like. Real estate is volatile, you’re talking a very low down payment so high mortgage, there are a lot of additional costs to ownership, and you may need that money for living costs.

    9. Girasol*

      See if the company that holds your 401K offers financial advice. They often have good tools and free advice, though with anything free you need to take it with a grain of salt. If they convince you that you need to make a change right away, you tell them you need a week to think about it, so you can research other advice on the subject and be sure it’s right for you before you act. That should help you to learn more about your options without it costing anything.

    10. Maggie*

      Can you buy a condo with that and still have any savings left? I just bought in Chicago and even 10% of a 200k condo (1 bedroom in affordable area) is 20k. You could try doing 3 or 5% down or maybe see if there are any special grants or first time buyer programs? I think it would be really difficult to buy in the city and have money left.

      1. DJ Abbott*

        Thanks! I’ve wondered about a program or grant. Not sure where to start I’m looking for those. Do you have any suggestions?

        1. Raboot*

          Google “down payment assistance” + city, county, or state name. There are so many programs out there!

        2. All the Words*

          ncsha.org/housing-help/ Click your state and see what’s there. There are also programs run by cities and counties, so there’s often more than just one option. Lenders often don’t offer this information unless you specifically ask about it. There are programs for first time homebuyers and buyers with small down payments. Assistance can be in the form of grants, second mortgages (often deferred), or forgivable second mortgages (keep up your payments for 5 years and the loan is forgiven, for example).

    11. DJ Abbott*

      Last I checked my Social Security would be around 2000 a month. I’ll have to go look when I get time and see what it is now. it might be a little more.
      At my current job I have a pension instead of Social Security, but at two months that’s not enough to amount to anything yet! So basically I have the 401(k) and the Social Security and whatever I can save during the rest of my work life, and the pension if I stay there long enough for it to amount to anything. I’m hoping to work there long term because I really like it.
      You are making some good points about the additional expenses and I’m starting to think it might not be such a good idea. I might take the approach of looking around a little over the next few years and see if there’s something I can afford and if not, just keep renting. This is really helping to clarify in my mind, so thanks for that! :)

      2. fposte*

        If you have a pension that doesn’t involve your paying into Social Security, be sure to check whether you’ll be subject to the Windfall Elimination Provision of Social Security, which reduces what Social Security will pay you.

      3. Esmeralda*

        You are going to need to work after you retire, I think. Part time work, but I just don’t see how you can stretch what you have to live on for 15-20 years past retiring. The advantage of living in chicago is that you can walk or take public transport and there’s a lot of free/cheap stuff to do . But in other ways it’s pretty expensive. Health care:
        Will your retirement provide health insurance or will you be buying that yourself? Do you have disability insurance, long term care insurance? Doctor, dentist who will let you pay on a sliding scale if you don’t have good insurance?

        1. DJ Abbott*

          I think you’re right and I don’t mind that. I really love my new job so if things work out and I stay there long term I’ll probably just keep doing it and maybe when I’m older cut down to part time or something.
          Even as I was making my financial non-choices I knew this would probably happen, so I’m OK with it.

    12. Just a name*

      I’d spend some time researching first time buyer programs from the state, local, and federal government. Those sites tend to have a lot of information about home buying in general. Then you need to figure out the budget, don’t forget to include condo fees in your payment calculations. Figure out your credit score – it will impact the interest you’d pay on the loan. If it isn’t good, maybe work to get it in better shape. Talk to a banker about the loans you will qualify for. Maybe talk to several and get different views. If you can, get a prior approval before home shopping. Gives you and advantage in this market.

    13. WellRed*

      I don’t think retiring with a large mortgage is good financial planning and 20k seems like nothing. Seek professional advice.

    14. EMP*

      Frankly in this mid-covid world and at age 60 I would not try to treat a home purchase as an investment. You don’t have 30 years to see that investment grow and get something out of it when it’s paid off. I would look at it as, “could this make retirement feasible/easier”, and “could I age in place here”, as you may have an easier time planning for the future with a known quantity for housing.

      If you haven’t already, google Chicago (or Illinois) + things like “first time home buyer program”, “low income housing” “affordable housing” etc. Most “low income” limits for purchasing lotteries and grants are based on the region’s median income which can be REALLY high, especially in major cities, so even at a good job you may qualify for some programs. Also, see if you can talk to a financial advisor.

    15. Anono-me*

      Quite often credit unions have 1st time home buyer’s information classes.

      Here are a couple of things to consider:

      I have always been told that my monthly mortgage payment should be 2/3 to 3/4 of what I could afford to pay in rent; because I as the homeowner am responsible for maintenance and repairs and need to budget for both unexpected and regular repairs.

      Please don’t take take this as criticism of your home city, but are you sure you want to retire in such a cold and expensive place? (I’m someplace less expensive, but with more miserable winters, and after retirement I hope to relocate somewhere warm with a low cost of living so that the only snow I see is on tv.)

      1. DJ Abbott*

        I know many people want to retire to warm places, but warm humid weather makes me sick from allergies. I love the big city and the only other place I would be comfortable is New York City. I could do without January and February here, but there isn’t any climate that would be perfect for me. :)

    16. DJ Abbott*

      Thanks everyone for all this great advice! I’m taking notes. I so love this community! <3

    17. Dancing Otter*

      Strongly in the DO NOT column, here.

      Condominiums are notoriously hard to unload. They don’t appreciate in value at the same rate as the general real estate market.
      You would be dealing with the worst of both worlds: responsible for all interior maintenance yourself AND dependent on the HOA to manage the common elements. If my house needed a new roof, I could make a responsible choice of contractor, negotiate terms, and schedule the work. In a condo, the board makes the decisions and makes the unit owners pay for it. If they haven’t managed the reserve well, by special assessment, to boot.
      Plus, the HOA almost always makes rules about what you can or can’t do in your own space. And the Chicago tenants’ rights law doesn’t apply.

      Talk to an investment advisor about growing your capital; don’t put it into a depreciating and illiquid asset. As long as your landlords are maintaining the property properly, you’re better off renting at this point.

    18. Hypnotist Collector*

      Lots of sympathy from this reader. I’m 64, had a sort of checkered career, and buying was always just out of reach for me as a single person, and also I had terrific landlords and long-term rental relationships — until last year, when in the midst of the insanest housing market, my landlady decided to cash in and sell. Now I have a landlord who has been difficult to deal with (he’s never been a landlord before and also just wanted to make tons of money) and will have to move again in an even worse market. I also lost my great job to the pandemic and am freelancing, so some places won’t even consider me because I don’t have a paycheck stub, even with an 800+ credit score. I’d say keep your eyes open for deals but be careful! You don’t want to use up your whole nest egg at this age, or get into an expensive mortgage as interest rates are going up. I love Chicago, though, used to live there and it’s a good city with a lot of options. Good luck. Wish I were there, I’d buy you coffee!

      1. DJ Abbott*

        <3. :) thanks, good luck to you too! I was unemployed when I moved and had to ask a relative to cosign my lease. They don’t consider unemployment comp income even though I lived on it for two years.
        It’s a big problem everywhere right now, landlords trying to get rich with gentrification, and not valuing the tenants or the community. Good luck!!!

  43. Sunflower*

    Tax withholding preference- do you prefer to have the government withhold more from your salary and receive a refund or withhold less and possibly owe at the end of the year?

    I just started a new job and realized the W4 form has changed the format with the goal of making the tax withholdings more accurate. I’m single, have always claimed 0 on my past forms and received a nice refund, always claiming the standard deduction. A lot of my research it pointing me towards having less withheld from my paycheck and setting some money aside myself for end of year- which I’m very comfortable doing.

    Which do you prefer and the part I can’t figure out- how the heck do I fill out the W4 now to get the government to withhold less?

    1. Sloanicota*

      Yes, you don’t want the government to withhold more than necessary, as you could have been earning interest yourself on that money through investments, instead of giving them a no-interest loan for a year. Some people say it’s a good enforced savings plan, but I think there are far better ways to do that. Ideally, you want the numbers to work out just about right, so that you owe/pay less than $100. Now how to do that on the W4 I’ll let wiser minds than mine reveal.

    2. fposte*

      In general, I’d rather pay than get a refund. That goes double now that the IRS is so backed up and refund time can be a crap shoot.

      I might mess around with free online tax forms like taxactonline dot com to see the effects of different numbers on withholding.

    3. Aphrodite*

      I claim zero too. I don’t know that claiming one would even be a noticeable change in my monthly paycheck. I like having a larger refund. in February (since I file very early) and also having the extra withheld just in case of something like, ya know, winning money.

      1. Happy Thursday-Yay!!!*

        This is me, my sweetie, and my other extended family. We hate having to pay and would much rather get a refund—the larger the better.

    4. Doctors Whom*

      The IRS has a calculator you can use to have it tell you how to set up your withholding:) You’ll need your most recent pay stub, and to read the instructions completely. You can run it periodically through the year and adjust if things are off course (due to a new job or something).

      It’s pretty straightforward for most people.

      Personally, I try to get within $1K either way.

    5. Missb*

      With Dh and I, we expect our taxes to line up fairly close at the end of the year. “Fairly close” can mean different things to different people. I prefer not to owe more than a couple thousand to fed and state each year. That may seem like a lot, but our incomes can be large (or not) each year. I strive to stay the heck out of underpayment penalty territory.

      This year, we got large federal and state refunds, but that was due to an electric car purchase (federal) and a weird tax kicker (state). Which was all well and good but we also had two new local taxes to pay.

      In the end, we netted $10. Literally $10. It was the closest we’ve ever come, and that’s not likely to repeat itself.

      I’ll be paying quarterly tax payments for the local taxes as there isn’t an option for withholding. That sucks, frankly.

      It’s usually just a math problem, based on income and tax brackets. You can run the numbers using pencil and paper and the tax tables or using a tax software like turbo tax.

    6. Moe Money*

      I prefer owing money. (I have the money saved to cover what I owe.) Pros: No one can steal my refund by filing under a stolen Social Security number. I don’t have to wait for my refund. In the past, when interest rates were higher, I could make a little money on the extra money in my paycheck.

      1. Moe Money*

        As for the new W-4, I find it very confusing and resent that I can no longer understand it–used to be I knew how to change my withholding at the end of the year so I could owe money for taxes, or break close to even.

        I did find advice on reddit (below), and I haven’t tried it yet, but so far it’s the only thing I’ve found that make sense to me about how to change current withholding. (I’m in the same job I was in when the W-4s changed, so I have the luxury to keep my old withholding, under the old system, but you with your new job can’t do that.)

        My wife started a new job and is having issues with w-4. : tax (reddit.com)

        There’s also https://www.irs.gov/individuals/tax-withholding-estimator for filling out W-4s from scratch.

    7. RagingADHD*

      We try to get as close as possible to having just enough refund to pay the CPA’s fee for tax prep (just because that’s satisfying). Of course, that’s not always possible because we both freelance on top of his regular job, so income is irregular and our estimated tax payments are never 100% accurate.

      Some years it’s a bit on one side, some a bit on the other. But the goal is to break even.

    8. Filosofickle*

      Every money and budget person will tell you not to pay a dime more than you have to. Duh. But people aren’t that simple! We all have beliefs and feelings about money that aren’t entirely rational. If you have any fear or dysfunction about money — and it sounds like you, Sunflower, don’t really but for everyone else reading — it can make sense to overpay to make your life easier. If it makes you anxious that you might owe, if trying to figure out the formula is stressing you out, if you have a track record of spending more than saving, if you fear government / fines/ etc … then it can make sense to go with the refund. It’s okay to use life hacks that work for your brain even if there is rationally a “better” way.

      1. E. Chauvelin*

        Yeah, I know that fiscally it makes more sense to have less withheld than we do, but I also don’t trust myself to figure out more precisely what to have withheld to avoid owing in a two-income household under a tax system that was written assuming that married couples would include a wife who doesn’t earn a significant amount of money, and having track what we need to have put aside in case we owe. We file at least a month early, and while that’s mostly due to anxiety about being afraid of missing deadlines, it also has the advantage that processing times for refunds are short because they aren’t getting slammed yet. Not being able to use that money throughout the year is worth it to me for the stress it saves.

    9. Calliope*

      I wouldn’t try to overpay by a ton but I think it’s fine to try to overpay by a bit (whatever that means to you). I had a complicated tax situation last year and ended up overpaying by a LOT which is extremely annoying – now I’m in limbo waiting for money to come in. But I also don’t particularly want to worry about cutting it too close – not because I can’t handle a bill at all but because I’d rather not worry about whether I’m going to underpay by enough that I’ll get a penalty or that I’ll miscalculate and end up having to pay more than I thought. It’s just easier to aim for (for me) getting $1,000ish back and knowing I have a decent cushion. The interest I would have gotten on that money is minimal – it would have just been sitting in a savings account earning like 0.05%.

      1. Jackalope*

        Yeah, the amount of interest I would have earned on the money is less than $5 over the course of a year. And it’s not a huge enough amount that investing it would be helpful over that one year. I’d much rather get the lump sum and not have to worry if I’m going to be owing something.

    10. Sundial*

      It’s very popular to tell people “don’t give the government an interest-free loan” but I will always defy that take. As a long-term freelancer, contractor, and server, I am frequently juggling tips and other unsteady income. Any way I can overpay to smooth the process at tax time, I will do. I’m not going to struggle and stress to scrape dimes out of my couch every April so I don’t lose the cents of interest I’m supposedly missing out on.

    11. Napkin Thief*

      This year was the first year we owed, and I found it stressful (even though it was, all things considered, a small amount!). I know logically it makes more sense to break even/owe a little, but realistically and emotionally I prefer a refund.

    12. Squidhead*

      If you change your withholding from Single 0 to Single 1, this *should* result in them taking less out of your check but still enough to cover what you will owe for the year. This assumes you don’t have other sources of untaxed-but-taxable income to account for.

      If you’re nervous about owing some money (and would prefer not to ever owe any money but don’t want them to withhold as much as they have been), you can ask them to take out a fixed amount per paycheck in addition to the calculated withholding of Single 1. So, maybe they hold $10 each check if you get paid monthly and that $120 cushion is enough to cover any small amount you might owe. (Adjust the math to your purposes, of course, and check last year’s W2 to see how much you actually had withheld versus what you owed.) But skip this entirely if you don’t mind paying (as you said you were comfortable doing.) See how it works out this year and then adjust from there?

      1. Squidhead*

        Replying to myself to add, and answer to your “how do I actually fill out the form?”: for simple Single 1 withholding, it looks like you just check the Single box at the top and then sign the bottom. Don’t fill out the rest of the form unless you want them to withhold more (multiple sources of income or a fixed amount of additional withholding) or to withhold less (if you have dependents or are paying taxes by other avenues.)

    13. OtterB*

      We could probably come closer to hitting it on the nose than we do. A few years ago, we ended up owing with an underpayment penalty. To avoid that, we both switched over to “Married but withhold at higher single rate” filing. Last year was only part of the year under the new regime, so we owed a few thousand but not into penalty territory. This year we got a refund. I know it’s theoretically not the best way, but I find it sufficiently less stressful to be worth whatever we’re losing in interest.

  44. Anonnywriter*

    Does anyone know how to/have experience with self publishing and not through Kindle Direct?

    As I’m going to be totally free from any work commitments for a few months, I dragged out a book I started writing years ago and I think it’s about three or four months away from being ready to fly the safety of my Google Docs.

    But every time I search for ‘self publishing’ it brings up Kindle Direct Publishing and I’m not sure I want my book to be stuck to Amazon – I would like to see my book in local bookshops!

    So any advice or help? I’m in the UK.

    1. fposte*

      Getting a book in bookshops and getting a book published are two different, if related, things. With a traditional publisher they do the work of getting copies supplied to a bookshop and getting the promotion out so that the buyer/company knows what books they want to stock.

      With self-publishing, that’s on you. You have to approach local bookshops yourself and see if they’re willing to carry your book. I’m seeing a few UK-relevant sites on this, one entitled “How to get your self-published book stocked in bookshops” and another “How to get your self-published book into Waterstones.” There are companies, like the one that hosts the latter page, that will print and package your book for a fee, and it’s likely that’s what you’ll want to do if you want to print physical books.

    2. Sloanicota*

      Yes! Self-publishers can go “wide” with Ingram spark. It theoretically allows them to be in bookshops, but note, a lot of the shops are a bit tricky about it.* Here is a great group to join for learning about self-publishing, and you can search “going wide” to see the discussion: https://www.facebook.com/groups/20Booksto50k

      *Here is why they are weird: as a trad pub author, bookstores order my book from the distributor at a bulk price, have it delivered, mark it up, and if they don’t sell it, they can return it and get their money back (we just a take a loss on them, as they aren’t even sent back to us usually). For self pubbed books they expect a similar deal or they may agree to sell on consignment if they don’t feel it’s too much effort for them to track and expect you to work out a similar deal. Also some booksellers may be a bit snobby if you go talk to them. I’m trad pubbed but not famous and they’re also quite snobby to me often – so don’t take it too personally. Good luck!

    3. Elizabeth West*

      With indie pubbing, everything is all on you—publishing, marketing, all of it. It will cost money.

      Regardless of whether you use Amazon or not, you are going to be competing with professionally published (either traditional or indie), professionally edited books, so I would advise you NOT to just finish it and throw it out there. You want the best possible product you can make. I strongly recommend hiring an editor. Jane Friedman has a complete guide at https://www.janefriedman.com/comprehensive-guide-to-finding-working-with-editors/

      You’ll also need a good cover design. Look for someone who has experience with book covers; just any old graphics won’t do. There are lots of them on Fivver; also look at other indie titles with cool covers and see who did them. (Disclaimer: I did my own and they’re not super great.)

      Your book will also need an ISBN. In the US, publishers get them from Bowker; in the UK, it’s Nielsen (google “Nielsen ISBN”). Amazon KDP will give you one, but it’s ONLY useable on their platform, so if you want to sell elsewhere, it’s worth it to buy your own.

      Here’s a helpful article about distribution: https://selfpublishingadvice.org/authors-guide-book-distribution/

      There’s a lot more to indie publishing than people think, but it’s not insurmountable. And remember, most people who start novels never finish them, so even just getting to the end makes you a badass. \0/

    4. RagingADHD*

      Draft to Digital is an easy to use platform to self publish to multiple distributors (Apple books, Kobo, Hoopla, etc etc). They have step by step screens to walk you through the whole process, send you a royalty report and direct-deposit payment every month, and will issue an annual tax report if needed.

      The thing is, Amazon makes the vast majority of sales because they have so much more traffic than the others. You can publish to Amazon through Draft2Digital, (or to all the other distributors through KDP) but either way you don’t get the best royalty rate. The workaround is to make 2 editions, similar in every way except that there is a note on the title page “Kindle edition”.

      Then you upload one edition to Kindle Direct, the other to D2D, and you maximize your royalties on all platforms.

      Print books are a different animal entirely. As Sloanicota points out, making your print edition available to shops doesn’t mean they will actually carry it. You will need to do a lot of legwork to contact shops directly. In the US, there are regional networks of independent bookstores that favor indie authors, and if you join that network as an author (usually a free signup) you can get the list and have a leg up in contacting them by mentioning the network name. I’m not sure if the same exists in the UK — it’s usually called something related to “indie bookseller’s alliance”. You can also get placement in local coffee shops, gift shops, etc that might carry books. Our little neighborhood pharmacy even carries some local indie books.

      Again, Amazon does so much business that it behooves you to use them for print distribution. They favor books that they printed and disfavor books by outside printers like Ingram, which means you get less visibility and a lower royalty. But again, you can do 2 editions. Kindle for print doesn’t cost anything up front – they print on demand when the book sells, so you might as well upload a version and let them sell it for you.

      1. Weegie*

        This is all great advice! I went down the Draft2Digital route (actually Smashwords, but they’re now the same company) for an e-book that I published recently, and am considering producing a separate Kindle edition. If I can be bothered.
        OP, I used to work in publishing and am now publishing-adjacent, so was able to do all the editing, cover design, etc myself, but if you don’t have similar experience you will have to pay someone to do it for you. Marketing is the stumbling block: it takes a lot of effort, and you might want to pay someone for that too. Getting a physical book into shops isn’t easy (I’m also in the UK, and did manage to get some books into shops with a previous venture, but it’s hard work, and you’ll probably spend more than you earn from it).
        This is not intended to put you off, but to inject some reality. You do need to do a lot of reading and educating yourself before you embark on this adventure. I spent 4 years trying to get a publisher (came close a couple of times, but no luck in the end) before self-publishing, just to get the book out there. I don’t care about sales or if anyone even reads it, so decided to make it free – I do get a certain amount of pleasure watching the daily download rate, though! As EW, says, it’s a great achievement just to finish.
        Also consider joining or starting a publishing collective. There are a surprising number of them out there, and they could be a good source of support.

    5. sagewhiz*

      Reiterating what others have said. Especially about the importance of hiring an editor (best done after having several first-readers give input and you doing further revisions), a proofreader, a cover designer, and someone to do the interior layout. There’s more of an investment required to turn out a good product than the relative pittance Kindle or Ingram charge to upload it for you.

      Another downside to self-pub’ing, in the US for sure, is that it is virtually impossible to get into libraries or bookstores, as both the chains and indie shop owners are so leery of the quality that it’s basically a blanket policy to accept none at all.

      Consider submitting to Austin Macauley, a traditional and hybrid publisher headquartered in London. If the manuscript is approved by the editorial dept., a first-time author is offered a hybrid contract. After doing deep research into the company I’ve recommended AM to clients, who have had very good experiences. Their books are published internationally, and DO get into stores and libraries. You will pay more than if you “just” self-published via a Kindle or Ingram template, but, frankly, not that much more than you’d have to invest in all the services AM does provide for you—cover design, interior design, marketing support, etc.

      Best of luck!

        1. Elizabeth West*

          Writer Beware is a good resource. They cover a lot of the traps unwary authors can fall into.

  45. CompletelyLost*

    Not sure where to turn as I’m off social media, but anyone on here have children who have been diagnosed with vitiligo? Looking to connect.

    1. RagingADHD*

      Have you found local support in your community? Many children’s hospitals have support groups for various conditions, and vitiligo is common enough that we even have one here in my not-large city. There is also an online group called “Different Just Like Me” that supports kids with vitiligo, as well as The Vitiligo society.

      My husband has it, but it developed in adulthood and has so far not really spread much to noticeable areas, so it hasn’t troubled him since he confirmed what it was and that it’s not dangerous. I wish y’all well!

    2. Unkempt Flatware*

      Is your child white or of color? I feel that’s important in finding the right support.

    3. I'm A Little Teapot*

      I just googled “vitiligo support group” and various things came up. Worth a try.

    4. Princess Xena*

      I’m not much of a social media user either, but I had a surprisingly good experience with a Facebook group when my cat was diagnosed with FIP and we were looking for treatment options. Could you take a look at some of the available groups and see if there’s any people or resources who have direct links? Those groups can also act as resource hubs and have a list of places to look.

      Additionally, the pediatrician/hospital who gave the diagnosis might know of something. Worth asking. Best of luck to you and yours!

  46. Buggy Crispino*

    I went to Kohl’s earlier this week and bought 2 shirts. I used some coupons and Kohl’s cash and to be honest I didn’t really pay attention to my total since I was trying to use their app and my stored Kohl’s card information, etc. When I got home I realized that the cashier had only scanned one of the shirts. I think the 2nd shirt scan just didn’t work because I could swear she scanned both shirts.

    Now I’m typically the kind of guy that would insist on making this right by going back to pay for the additional shirt, but a friend of mine told me I would probably get the cashier in trouble for making the error. So now I’m not sure what to do. Do I go back and risk getting someone written up? Do I take into account that Kohl’s is a huge enterprise with projected loss written into their bottom line and maybe donate some cash to a shelter or pantry? What are y’all’s throughts?

    1. Sloanicota*

      Maybe you can make it cosmically right by going back to Kohl’s and buying a shirt you wouldn’t have otherwise purchased :)

    2. Sunflower*

      I’m a big fan of paying it forward elsewhere in cases like this. Donate to a charity, pay for someone behind you’s coffee. Kohl’s is a gigantic corporation and they can absorb the cost. if it was a small business, I’d probably feel differently.

    3. Dark Macadamia*

      I doubt they would get in trouble! You’d likely be talking to some other random employee who would be vaguely surprised that you didn’t just accept the free shirt, ring you up, and never think about it again lol

      If you’re really concerned, pay for it in self checkout next time you’re there!

      1. Swisa*

        And honestly I wouldn’t even mention the cashier/show the receipt. That way no one gets into trouble. When I’ve done this, they haven’t asked about the cashier.

    6. TheDisenchantedForest*

      I’d go back in with the shirt and receipt, and get it corrected. Having worked in retail both as a cashier and in returns, I doubt they’ll say anything to the person who rang you up. They’re busy, and unless a manager gets involved for approvals, etc, nothing will get back to the cashier. Tbh the cashier is more likely to get into trouble if the store runs an audit and finds a discrepancy associated with them; it happens. Besides, regardless of whether anything gets back to the cashier, paying for the shirt is simply the right thing to do; otherwise it’s theft. And that’s the one thing you can control.

    7. Burnt Eggs*

      I used to work at Kohls as my “fun” job and have been that cashier and customer. The cashier will not get in trouble unless there is a pattern over time or multiple instances where they don’t scan items for the same customer.

    8. RagingADHD*

      I’d go back. The cashier is unlikely to have blowback because they aren’t going to bother tracing it. If they did, major consequences are unlikely because retail is begging for workers right now. The cashier will get a reminder, if anything.

      I don’t believe in balancing Karma by doing some other unrelated good thing. I think it’s better to set the actual thing right if it’s possible to do so.

    9. Second Chances*

      This happened to me years ago at Macy’s. I bought two scarves but when I got home I realized they had only charged me for one. I went back with the scarves and the receipt a few days later and explained they had undercharged me, but they couldn’t figure out a way for me to “return” one of the scarves because it wasn’t on the receipt, and they couldn’t figure out a way for me to pay for it either since the inventory was already supposedly “sold.” They ended up sending me home with two scarves for the price of one. I think if I were you, I would try to make it right by going back to the store.

    10. Observer*

      Highly unlikely that you could get the cashier in major trouble. Especially if you point out that you are pretty sure that it was NOT user error but an equipment error. Like “The cashier scanned both shirts, but when I got home and checked my receipt I realized that the second scan didn’t work.”

  47. I need coffee before I can make coffee*

    The MLM post above made me think of this issue I’ve had recently. I have two “no soliciting” signs clearly posted approaching my front door and at my front door. At least 3 times in the last several months I have had people ring the doorbell wanting to talk about solar panels and net metering. When I point to the sign, they say “I’m not selling anything” because the whole pitch is about how the panels will “pay for themselves”, etc. Last week I finally added a sign that says “including net metering and solar panel pitches”. Has anyone else had this issue (whether with solar panels or anything else)?

    1. Elizabeth West*

      Ugh, how annoying. I put up a sign at my old house, at the bottom of the stoop, that said “No soliciting, no proselytizing, no leaflets, now get off my lawn.” I still had people knock and ask to mow my lawn, etc.

      My advice would be just don’t answer the door if you aren’t expecting anyone. You’re not obligated to do that.

    2. Bluephone*

      The only real solution is to not answer the door to unexpected visitors. People like that wont listen to signs or rules.

      1. RussianInTexas*

        This. I have the Ring camera and I can see who’s ringing. I just don’t answer.

    3. Not A Manager*

      I’ve gotten the “I’m not selling anything” line. I just say “yes, you are” and close the door.

      1. London Calling*

        That’s the line I use with charities. You’re asking for my money in exchange for making me feel good that I support your charity – that’s the very definition of selling. Mostly, though, I either say ‘No thanks, I don’t do business at the front door.’ Then close it.

        1. The Cosmic Avenger*

          I’ve used “I don’t do business at my front door” before as a way to say no but let them leave literature (that usually goes right in the recycle bin, but you never know). But if they told me they weren’t selling anything, I’d say great, if you’re offering me free stuff, leave it at the front door! They are soliciting for some kind of business, either money down, the promise of future payment, or to obligate us in some way economically and legally, so if I was feeling ornery I’d call them on that.

    5. TPS reporter*

      My doorbell is broken and has never been fixed for a reason! Who would even be coming to the door who I want to talk to and doesn’t know my number? 0 people.

    6. E. Chauvelin*

      I tell people who “aren’t selling anything” that I guess there’s nothing to talk about then and end the conversation. Although now that I know permits are required in my city I’d ask about those.

    8. I need coffee before I can make coffee*

      Of course, I know I can just not answer the door, but I can do that without putting up a sign. The whole point of the sign is to not have to hide in my house, or have an annoying conversation with a sales person. Maybe next I’ll get one of those door mats that says “Go Away”….

      1. Raboot*

        They know that “no soliciting” aapplies to them. That’s not the problem so a clearer sign is unfortunately not the solution.

    9. Astoria*

      I’ve seen signs along the lines of “We don’t need to buy anything and we are happy with our politics and religion.”

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Mine says “we’re happy with our windows, landscaping, politics and religion, so please move on unless you’re under 14 and selling thin mints.”

    10. Salymander*

      I don’t answer the door. I had a couple of fraudsters try to actually push their way in, and now I just don’t answer. To hell with that. I don’t like to call the police for neighborhood nuisances, but I did call the cops on these people. They actually tried to push into my house! I yelled at them and pushed back and they wandered off. I don’t think they were robbers, just pushy con artists. They wanted me to show them my gas and electric bills. Scam artists. No way I was letting them have any info whatsoever.

      My neighbors know that I don’t answer, so they will knock and leave a note or text me. Otherwise, I don’t open the door. I don’t owe any door knockers my time or attention. When one particularly persistent guy was trying to talk at me about selling my house, I yelled at him through the door to go away. I ignored him and he kept knocking. I asked him to leave and he persisted. I do not feel bad about yelling at him to go away.

    11. The OG Sleepless*

      I have a custom sticker I ordered from Etsy that says “No Soliciting/Beware of Dog/DO NOT KNOCK.” The reason for this becomes evident to anyone who comes to my front door, ie a large and territorial dog lunging and snarling at the side window. I had the “do not knock” added because once when somebody did that, the door came open, and there were…problems. I REALLY do not want anyone knocking, for their own safety. What does every random salesperson do? Walk right up to my front door, ring the bell…and knock.

  48. Mimmy*

    Anyone out there use T-Mobile for their internet? If so, what have your experiences been?

    We use T-Mobile for wireless internet (using a router that looks like a can) and it’s been horrible since yesterday morning. Right now, we have our router set to connect to a tower with an “ultra-capacity” 5G signal. However, since yesterday morning, it’s been connecting to a slower tower, which is probably oversaturated with everyone home due to the lousy weather.

    What irks me is that there is no way to check the status of the network, i.e., see if our preferred tower is down for maintenance or if there’s some type of outage. With previous providers, you could go on their website or call and there’s a notice or recording acknowledging a network issue.

    Calling T-Mobile customer service gets you nowhere because they’re quick to blame your router, not their network.

    Sigh.

    1. Dino*

      T-Mobile has been having signal issues on cell phones and other equipment in my area, according to friends. I have Verizon and everything seems fine.

      I wonder if it’s somehow connected to the 5G rollout. My car’s Bluetooth pairing/infotainment keeps unpairing and freezing on boot ever since.

    2. Heffalump*

      Very good. They advertised 100MB down, and that’s what I’m getting. I’m in a major city, and my apartment is on the 3rd floor, which probably helps. I previously had a DSL connection giving me a miserable, wretched 1.5MB down, but that’s another discussion.

      I mentioned this to a friend in Clovis, California, a rural community outside Fresno. To give you an idea, my friend and his wife have a few goats on their property. He went with T-Mobile and is disappointed. I forget what speed he said he was getting, but a fair amount less than I am. Being in the boonies may enter into it.

    3. Aphrodite*

      I do. I’ve had it for 13 months now, and I can tell you I am very, very happy. I have contacted Support for help with setting it up–I am not tech savvy–and twice for time it went down plus twice for customer service when I wanted to change my auto payment due date. The phone support has been fantastic. If the wait is long I choose to have them call me back when my turn arrives. After the second time of getting help with it being down I learned what to do so the last time I simply fixed it myself using their process. It was easy. I got my auto payment on my preferred date this morning and my Internet works flawlessly. I’ve never had such good service and assistance with wifi before.

    4. The Cosmic Avenger*

      T-Mobile Help on Twitter (@TMobileHelp) can actually provide good customer support, they’ve helped me with account issues before (for cell, but I’m hoping they have access to all customer accounts). They seem much more empowered than most of the rest of their customer service, which is weird, but hey, I’ll take it!

    5. Tris Prior*

      I’m having a surprisingly great experience with it, for half of what I was paying for our previous provider in my former city. It seems that we live really close to a tower, though, so get a strong signal. That seems to make a difference.

  49. Littorally*

    Tailoring question, specifically re: suits

    I’ve finally reached a financial place in my life where I can focus on getting a suit that genuinely fits me, rather than one that’s just sufficient to check off the “this is a suit” requirement. What I’ve got is… well, pretty ill-fitting, and that’s no longer good enough.

    I’ve seen two pieces of advice out there regarding suit (and specifically suit jacket) alterations that seem to conflict:
    1. Buy for wherever you’re largest and let the tailor cut things down wherever you aren’t largest.
    2. Buy for the shoulders, because shoulders are almost impossible and usually not worth the time/energy to alter.

    The problem is that my shoulders are not where I’m largest, and that’s by a pretty significant margin — judging based on the cheap off-the-rack suit I own, each shoulder really needs to be taken in at least a full inch if not more. So, keeping both pieces of advice in mind, does that mean that it’s just not feasible for me to buy a suit and get it altered? Am I stuck with going fully bespoke in order to get something that will actually fit me correctly? I’d really prefer not to drop several grand on this, but… well, bodies suck.

    1. PollyQ*

      Don’t most “good” suit merchants include tailoring for free? I’d try one of those and let them advise you. It probably won’t be cheap, but should be much less than something bespoke.

      1. Off My Lawn, You Must Get*

        There is a world of difference between hemming trousers (which they offer) and the structural work the OP needs.
        But the second part holds true: find a good tailor and talk to them before the purchase. I’ve had great luck with my tailor making $20 thrift store suits look like a million bucks. It cost me about $200 for the tailoring (in a large metropolitan suburb), but it was a sight cheaper than what it would’ve cost to get it off the rack.

    2. A313*

      There is a company I bought a raincoat from where I gave them my measurements, picked out the fabric, the lining fabric/pattern, buttons, belt, etc. and I’m very happy with how it fits. I have a larger bust, and if the chest fits, the rest can look baggy. The company is sumissura. They might be an option.

    3. RagingADHD*

      What sort of tailoring is possible/looks best is really going to depend on the style of the jacket as well as your shape. Different cuts of jacket have different amounts of leeway to play with in the sides or back. If the shoulders are 2 inches too wide overall, that could be distributed across several seams in the body, and an expensive jacket will have wider seam allowances that might accommodate the adjustment. But you also want to make sure the jacket hangs correctly.

      So it just depends. Talk to the people in the shop. They likely have a tailor on-site or someone they recommend.

    4. The teapots are on fire*

      A good tailor can take in the shoulders. Do not buy a suit that is too tight. The tailors in the retail suit shops may not be very fussy and may just slap some extra shoulder pads in the suit, take it in a little at the center back seam, and call it good. If you can find a tailor with good ratings, it may make sense to ask them up front what to look for in a suit and what brands they recommend, because they have seen the insides of a lot of suits.

    5. Healthcare Worker*

      Talk to your tailor, if they’re not affiliated with the store where you’re purchasing the suit, for their advice before you purchase. Also have your tailor look at it before you remove any tags so you can return if need be for a different size. Tailoring makes a huge difference in how a suit fits you and should not be cost prohibitive.

    6. Anono-me*

      Since you refer to a good suit, have you considered having your current suit tailored properly? I would ask a friend or acquaintance who is a very sharp dresser for the name of their tailor. Then I would do a trial run with your “it’s a suit” suit. If you like your “it’s a suit” suit once the tailor has worked their magic, just think how good you will look after a good suit is tailored to you.

      Also, if you are just getting one suit, and don’t already have one in mind, you might want to look at a midweight medium gray in a more classic style . Midweight will be good all but the most extreme climate and medium gray will slightly change shade visually depending on the color or your shirt and /or tie..

  51. RussianInTexas*

    The soliciting thread above reminded me of these separate two incidents, both happened when I still lived in an apartment (complex).
    One was a young Black couple, and another were white adult man and a child (father and son).
    Both couples were Jehovah’s Witnesses and both started talking to me about it in RUSSIAN.
    That’s when I knew I needed to move, lol. That and the printed advertisement in Russian I started to receive. Mind you, I don’t subscribe to any Russian language TV, newspaper, church, etc.

    1. fposte*

      All my gmail spam is in German. No idea why, but at least it’s quick and easy to skim and reject.

          1. pancakes*

            It seems targeted! And yes, odd. Maybe they are targeting people in odd ways because of the pandemic? A couple months ago I received a handwritten letter, addressed to me at my home address, from one of their people, basically saying the same things they say if they ever catch you at the door. How on earth did they get the address? The only thing my boyfriend and I could think of is that they’ve gotten tired of trying to hand out pamphlets in the very local park (which we did used to see them do sometimes) and have started peeking at the door buzzers of buildings to get names of people to approach. I forgot about it until I read your comment.

            1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

              I think they’re checking public records somehow – I got a handwritten letter (on raggedy spiral notebook paper no less) last month from the local Kingdom Hall addressed to me by first and last name, and I live in a single-family home, no names on the buzzer or mailbox.

              1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

                (But man, now I kinda wish they’d addressed it to the incorporated stripper. “Dear MY TITS, are you familiar with the teachings of …”)

                1. Astoria*

                  Me too, except it was on regular notebook paper with frankly beautiful handwriting, so precise that it looked like a font. Eerie.

                2. pancakes*

                  Astoria, my letter was in handwriting just like that too! Neither of us had ever seen handwriting quite like that!

              2. pancakes*

                My name is on the buzzer so they could’ve gotten it from there. Public records make sense too though.

      2. 653-CXK*

        Most of the spam I get is French. “Vous gagnant 30,000 euro!” (You’ve won 30,000 euros) or “Felicitations! Vous gangant un carte cadeau du Aldi” (Congratulations! You’ve won a gift card to Aldi) is usually remedied by a “clic facile sur le bouton Supprimer le spam pour toujours” (easy click of the Delete Spam forever button).

    2. Just Lurking*

      Why did them speaking to you in Russian signal that you needed to move? I feel like there’s a reference here that I’m not picking up on.

      1. RussianInTexas*

        It’s a joke, really, but more about how did you figure out that I speak Russian and are you targeting me in my native language?

        2. Heffalump*

          Some years ago I was in the market for a car, and I had a Carfax account that gave me unlimited searches for a month. (For non-US readers, Carfax lets you enter the serial number or license plate number of a given car and get its maintenance and accident history.) Just for fun, I entered the license plate number of a coworker’s car. Next day I said, “I see that your car has very low mileage for its age, but that makes sense, since you live close by.” She got all freaked out that I knew this about her car. I told her how I knew and said that Carfax gave me no way of knowing who owned the car, much less where the owner lived, even if I had wanted to know. She wasn’t reassured.

          I’m guessing that there was a similar dynamic here. My coworker is from a former Soviet satellite country, which may also have entered into it.

    3. Unkempt Flatware*

      As a Russian, born in the USSR, most can spot us at 100 paces. Not too shocking.

    4. Heffalump*

      Some years ago I was in the market for a car, and I had a Carfax account that gave me unlimited searches for a month. (For non-US readers, Carfax lets you enter the serial number or license plate number of a given car and get its maintenance and accident history.) Just for fun, I entered the license plate number of a coworker’s car. Next day I said, “I see that your car has very low mileage for its age, but that makes sense, since you live close by.” She got all freaked out that I knew this about her car. I told her how I knew and said that Carfax gave me no way of knowing who owned the car, much less where the owner lived, even if I had wanted to know. She wasn’t reassured.

      I’m guessing that there was a similar dynamic here. My coworker is from a former Soviet satellite country, which may also have entered into it.

  52. Heffalump*

    I used to be really into pub trivia pre-COVID, and last night I had a thought.

    If my team went to trivia night somewhere and used the team name Dress Code Interns, how many people would get the joke?

    2. PollyQ*

      That’s a good question! The situation did go viral, back in the day, but it’s been a little while. You should totally do it anyway!

  53. Land of the Oyeee*

    Annoying health insurance headache ahead! I am in the US.

    I keep running into an issue where no one can confirm if a doctor is in Network before I sign up for the plan. My company offers Aetna and a BlueCross Blue Shield affiliated company. My doctor I see most often said if it’s under BCBS, she should be covered but she needs my member ID to confirm. The website for the BCBS company also can not confirm if the doctor is covered without my Member ID. My company benefits hotline doesn’t seem able to help either and just directs me to the BCBS number.

    The plan I choose pretty much completely hinges on if this doctor is covered or not. Maybe I’m overthinking but like most people, I’ve had awful experiences with health insurance trying to pull one over and it’s so frustrating there doesn’t seem to be someone able to look at the plans my company offers and give me an answer. I’m further concerned because the affiliate is based out of our company HQ state, I work in a different state and my doctor is in neither of these states.

    any advice on how to navigate getting to the bottom of this? Am I missing something or is someone yanking my chain? For obvious reasons I don’t want to ask my new coworker if she can check her insurance to see if my specialist is covered! TIA!

    1. Anono-me*

      Contact your State Insurance Commissioner’s office. There should be someone there that can help you with finding out how to get an answer.

      1. Ginger Pet Lady*

        Which state? Her company HQ is in one, she lives in another, and the doctor is in a third. So which state insurance commissioner should she call?

      2. Anono-me*

        Actually, I suggested her state, where she is constituent, because POLITICS.

    2. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Talk to billing or admin at the doctor’s office, they need to know what networks they’re part of.

    3. Annie Moose*

      This may be a bit of an obvious suggestion :P but why can’t you give your doctor your member ID? It should be on your insurance card, and if it isn’t, you should be able to call BCBS and ask them about it. Your company should also have someone who handles setting up insurance; you could talk to them as well about getting your member ID.

      1. fhqwhgads*

        I took the question as they are not yet a member. They’re deciding between insurances based on which covers this doctor. But they can’t seem to get confirmation about if the doctor would be covered without already being on the plan.

      2. Ginger Pet Lady*

        Because they don’t have one yet! They are shopping for a plan that has their doctor in network, and the problem is that there’s no way to know if they’re in network or not until you’re already committed to the plan and have a member ID. It’s pretty well spelled out in the question.

        1. WellRed*

          The doctor or insurer should be able to give them an answer before she commits. Even if they can’t drill down to specific plan coverage, a group number, which HR should be able to provide, is sufficient to say yes, we take this huge national plan.

          1. PollyQ*

            I think this is mostly the right answer — the group ID number should have enough information for the doctor to be able to know. But BCBS isn’t necessarily a national plan. I believe each state has its own plan (and maybe its own legal company), so if the insurance is in one state, a doctor in another might not be covered.

    4. SG*

      That’s nuts — how frustrating! Does your employer have an EAP? That’s what I would try first — an EAP can be a great resource for all sorts of things. Otherwise I would call the insurance directly, ask to speak to a supervisor, and keep escalating until you get an answer. And then if you’re doctor is covered by one of the plans, ask if that information is available in writing anywhere, make sure you get the name of who you spoke with who confirmed it for you.

    5. The teapots are on fire*

      Try to get the group number from your benefits office (or from a co-worker who has the insurance) and see if the doctor’s office or insurance company can help if you have that.

    6. kina lillet*

      Maybe an obvious question, but have you tried the BCBS number? With the info your work provided on hand. For this kind of thing I’ve found the agents on the insurance line to be pretty helpful.

    7. Nicole76*

      That’s super frustrating! Would a group ID be sufficient for your doctor to check if they participate in the plan (or for Blue Cross to confirm that doctor is considered in-network)? If so, maybe you can ask your coworker to share that info as it’s not specific to just them.

    8. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      A weird and annoying work around might be if you have any work friends who already have the BCBS plan you are considering, can you ask them to call and ask as a favor to you?

    9. Happy Thursday-Yay!!!*

      Every September I check with my docs and specialists which of our company’s insurance choice they take (our annual change is October —November for starting the following January). It’s a lot of calls, but it’s informed what I sign up for. And when my primary docs stopped taking new customers with my insurance mid-year last year, they have kept me on because of the annual pre-check—and have said it wasn’t going to change/impact me for this year. And it hasn’t!

  54. beentheredonethat*

    Removed — lots of complaints about lack of warning re: animal abuse

  56. Suprisingly ADHD*

    If anyone is interested, you can sign up for an email list that will send you Bram Stoker’s Dracula, in real time!
    The novel is comprised of diary entries and letters, from May 5th to Nov 10th. They’ll send an email every day that something happens to the characters!
    https://draculadaily.substack.com/about

  57. Smelly Vacuum Cleaner*

    Help with vacuum cleaners, please! Whenever I vacuum the house, my vacuum cleaner always smells (the smell is the same as when I empty the canister, just a “dirty” smell, no mold or mildew) when I first start – so much so my spouse goes around opening windows! I thought it was my old vacuum cleaner so I recently purchased a new Shark, and replaced the living room carpet with vinyl plank. And while those helped, it’s still a problem. I always empty the canister when I finish vacuuming. Is this normal? Am I missing a step in cleaning? I vacuum once a week. Any ideas are appreciated!

    1. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain*

      If it only happened on the older vacuum, I would suggest cleaning the brush/roller or making sure there isn’t hair wrapped around a belt inside the motor…but if the new vacuum does it too? I can’t think of what it is. In addition to emptying the canister, try cleaning or changing the filter. Maybe try sprinkling baking soda (sodium bicarbonate) on the carpet to deodorize before vacuuming.

    2. Squidhead*

      Does anyone in the house have long hair? Does the vacuum have a roller bar? I’m wondering if you are smelling hot hair!

      Vacuum motors don’t have a lot of insulation around them, so you could be smelling hot motor, too. Neither is a great smell!

    3. Missb*

      are you cleaning the filters?

      On my shark, there are two filters. They’re sitting right under the canister, so when you remove them, you see a flat round filter with a tab that you pull up. Once you remove that one, there is another filter that is more of a sponge that you pull off the hard plastic holder.

      Both get washed by hand in the sink. I usually use dish soap on them after the first rinse of dust. Once thoroughly washed, set them to dry on a paper towel or some such. Usually takes about a day to dry. I keep a back up set so that I can always have a clean filter set in them. You can also use a microfiber cloth to clean out the inside of the canister, if you don’t want to rinse it out. If you do rinse it, then it has to be thoroughly dry before putting it back in place. Check your users manual to make sure your model allows you to rinse the canister vs taking just a cloth to it.

      That fine dust really clings to both the filter and the canister.

      I have dogs, so I get the “dog” smell in addition to the “dirt” smell, so cleaning the filters is so hugely important.

    4. Healthcare Worker*

      Thanks all! I’ll try cleaning the filter more frequently and the baking soda.

  58. Elizabeth West*

    Does anyone have experience with online merchandise shops? What’s the best one if you want to make t-shirts? I would want to make enough to donate money but also have a little bit for me.

    1. tamarak & fireweed*

      When we organized our local March for Science in 2017 we used Bonfire (just ad dot-com….) . This was astonishingly easy, and successful. We had them send checks to a non-profit that was working with us (we didn’t incorporate as anything, so we had no legal existence), and made several hundred $$ from our sales with very little effort. The quality was good, too!

  59. Squidhead*

    Late in the weekend question: I have some family documents I’d like to digitize. They are things like hand-written letters on fragile paper. (Like old aerogrammes.) Methods I’ve thought of include: 1) read the letter and type it manually into a computer. 2) Read the letter aloud into a speech-to-text program and then confirm punctuation etc… 3) Scan or photograph the letters first and use software?? to turn them into text. (I’d probably take photos of them either way, even if I don’t try this method.) 4) Pull the photo up on the screen and type in an adjacent document.

    I’m willing to do all of these things, but are there better ways to approach the project that I’m not thinking of? Thank you!

    1. Maryn*

      What I’d choose is two-fold. First I would enter the text into a computer. I touch type fairly well and fast enough that this isn’t a huge chore, but if it would be for you, speech-to-text is an option.

      Be aware that people I know online report that it takes many hours for Dragon Naturally Speaking (one of the better known speed-to-text programs) to learn to recognize your pronunciation oddities and get the right word. You’ll most likely be fixing a lot more than punctuation.

      You should have a way you consistently note that you’re giving a best-guess interpretation of anything that’s not fully legible, by the way.

      Whatever method you use, now you have a transcription of the document with notations of where you had to interpret anything not fully legible. You can photograph the original or scan it, whichever is easier for you or whichever gives a better image quality. Store both the transcript and the image together in your computer, in a file with a meaningful name (i.e., Family History). Title each document and image the same, also a meaningful name (i.e., Letter SKH to MLH 1918) so anyone could match them up. Put the original away for safekeeping–and maybe add a document to the file saying where they’re stored for future generations to find (i.e., “As of May 2022, the originals of all the documents and images in this file are stored in the attic at 123 Pleasant Street, East Overshoe, OH, in a light blue plastic bin the size of shoebox, on shelves on the north wall”).

      This lets you share the documents online or via email with others, if you want to, and keeps the originals from needless handling. Future generations will thank you for your care of something irreplaceable.

      1. Squidhead*

        Thank you so much for the tips about creating a coherent archive! I’m a decent typist, so that’s probably the first method I’ll try. (Also, it’s like you’ve been in my attic! Ha!)

    2. fposte*

      I digitized a family trip diary by reading into a Google doc, which has a native text-to-speech function that’s astonishingly good (much better than my old experiences with Naturally Speaking), and then cleaned it up. It’s also free, so you could test it out to see how it was likely to work for you.

      1. Squidhead*

        Ooh, at least there is some promise there! As I noted above, maybe I’ll try typing first. I’m an okay typist but also decent at reading aloud. Genuinely not sure which I do faster!

    3. pancakes*

      If you happen to have an iPhone, there is a scanner function in the Notes app that’s maybe worth experimenting with. It’s actually quite good. I’ll link to something about it separately.

      2. Squidhead*

        I’m an Android user but there is a scan function in the camera software. Somehow I didn’t really think about what it might be able to do (I think I thought it created an image?) A few of the letters were typed, so maybe there’s hope it could turn them into text files!

        1. Imtheone*

          You can try to scan and save as a pdf, then open as a Google doc. Typed or printed documents scan well and need minimal corrections. Handwritten will not convert to anything readable.

  60. Filosofickle*

    Late question seeking recommendations for ice packs for my back.

    I have sciatica, and when there are flareups nothing beats crushed ice. Lots and lots of ice! Hard core deep freeze multiple times a day, in multiple spots. Previously this was made possible by a fridge that dispensed an endless supply of crushed ice. However, I just moved to a place with no ice capabilities built in and I’m having a massive flareup. My experience with the blue gel packs is they simply don’t get cold enough, stay cold enough, or conform well enough at the base of my spine to really get in there and do the job. I’m a fairly substantial person, it takes some cold power to permeate all the way down to my nerve especially on my butt. I’m using what I have and it’s barely helpful.

    Are there better solutions? What do I look for in a gel pack or other product to actually deliver deep anti-inflammation level cold?

    1. Missb*

      How are you holding the blue ice packs on your body?

      I have an arthritic knee. My PT suggested I buy a special knee ice pack holder. It wasn’t off Amazon – it was some local place that manufactured them. It takes three of the blue ice packs, and the holder uses velcro to hold on to the knee area. Basically, it surrounds my knee with the ice. It has a thin enough layer on the inside to let the cold get close to my skin while the outside is sturdy enough to stay in place.

      I would think there would be something like that for around your torso, where you load it up with the blue ice and velcro it against your body.

      Sorry I don’t have specific suggestions. I know knees aren’t backs, just trying to share that there are likely specific products out there.

      1. Filosofickle*

        Yeah, that’s what I have — a sleeve with a velcro strap that holds a blue pack which I can put around my waist. What I have works fine on a calf or a knee but is not big enough for my back and the sleeve is not letting enough cold transfer and conform on this fleshier part of me. You’re right there’s probably something bigger on the market. What discourages me is I’ve also tried the big back-sized gel packs, and they didn’t do a good job even when I (very uncomfortably) laid down on them with all my weight. Ice was easy, I just had to stick it in my waistband!

    2. The teapots are on fire*

      Have you already tried bags of frozen peas or corn? You have to label them so you don’t eat them later, but they conform really well. You’ll have to smack them around a bit after they’ve been thawed and refrozen, but the ice chunks should break up pretty easily.

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        Yes, bags of frozen peas and corn work great, originally recommended to me by a physical therapist.

    4. fposte*

      What size packs are you trying? For back stuff I have 6×12″ ones, which I ordered online; you could probably get even more freeze power out of them by stacking them on you. When I look online I see bigger than that available if you want, too.

    5. Colette*

      It’s possible to buy countertop ice machines, if you have the space and funds.

  61. NoLongerFencer*

    Seven weeks postpartum and I’ve got hives all over my legs possibly from hormones fluctuating which started when I had PMS and now I’m getting my 1st postpartum period. OB and doc say take Claritin which barely helps, and remove allergens (but if I knew what they were, I wouldn’t have this problem). I take Claritin, slather on Oatmeal lotion and Hydrocortisone, but my legs look like chicken pox and the itching is unbearable. The only advice I hear is this too shall pass. Anyone have remedies? Might try Zyrtec but this is awful and brings back bad childhood memories of suffering from eczema my mom didn’t medicate for fear it’d stunt my growth. My doc isn’t offering a dermatologist referral either :/

    1. Not A Manager*

      When you say your doc isn’t “offering” a referral, do you mean that he or she literally didn’t suggest it, or that they refused to give you a referral when you asked for one? I’d push back and say, “the Claritin isn’t helping me much, the symptoms are debilitating, and I’d like a referral to a specialist.” I hope that would be sufficient, but if not, some people on here have suggested saying something like “I would like you to note in my chart that the Claritin isn’t working, I asked for a referral, and it was refused.” I know that sounds aggressive, but sometimes you need to be.

      Another option, and I know this sucks, is that sometimes doctors take spouses and family members more seriously than they do patients. I think part of this is gender-based, but not all of it. When I was caring for my husband, the docs would take my descriptions of his symptoms more seriously than they would take his reports. In any event, you might ask your baby’s other parent to speak to the doctor on your behalf, and to describe how these symptoms are affecting your functioning.

    2. Alaska_Blue*

      The pants you are wearing? I have a friend who is allergic to tights and pantyhose, whatever makes them stretchy gives her hives. Try changing your laundry soap? Shave gel perhaps? Also it could be the lotion! I discovered I’m allergic to chemical sunscreens, but it took breaking out over all my limbs where I had slathered it on. I didn’t make the connection during my test run of face, neck, and back of hands- when my neck and hands had hives-because my face didn’t join the party. Super frustrating! Good luck!

    3. Princess Xena*

      I’m so sorry. Do you have any known allergens? Even mild ones? It’s possible that something that previously was barely on your radar has now gotten ramped up 1000%. I would also look at getting scent free, super allergen friendly soap, shower gel, and most importantly, laundry detergent. Baby friendly stuff is often good since it’s specifically kept free of potential irritants.

      Finally, another poster did mention this but I would push back on the doctor for the derm referral, and see if you can schedule an appointment yourself. It’s unclear if there was just none offered or if the doc refused, and if it’s the first then you should definitely go back and say “this is out of control and I want areferral”.

    4. comityoferrors*

      I’m so sorry! I get really bad hives as part of a crappy generalized allergic disorder, and I use witch hazel when the itching gets too bad. I use cotton pads, like for makeup, and just douse one in witch hazel and hold it to the hives. It helps with inflammation and itching. I hope you find something that works! Hives and itching are a special kind of hell, and I can’t imagine also being recently postpartum.

    5. Healthcare Worker*

      This is probably obvious, but I’ll throw it out here anyway: have you washed your sheets and clothing again in a scent free detergent? Did someone else help with laundry and put in too much soap? Sometimes detergents change formula but it’s not noted on the container.
      Clear calamine lotion helps my skin, and Aveeno oatmeal baths.
      I hope it clears quickly. And congrats on your new little one!

      1. Anono-me*

        Can you try running a second rinse cycle on your laundry? If laundry soap is the issue or even just an additional aggravating issue; it should help (I hope that Chestnut Mare’s experience is not yours. )

    6. Chestnut Mare*

      I hate to be an alarmist, but the same thing happened to me after the birth of my third child. The reason was a systematic infection, and if my OB hadn’t ordered blood & urine cultures, I may not have survived. Please keep pushing for answers.

    7. WoodswomanWrites*

      Until you can identify what’s going on with the assistance of a specialist, over the counter Benadryl is the heavy hitter for addressing allergic skin reactions. As someone who has had that experience myself, it works great and it’s been recommended for allergic responses in my wilderness medicine classes. It’s important to note that Benadryl makes you sleepy, so take it at bedtime and not during the day when you need to be alert for driving, etc. For me, just having the interruption of the allergic response at night minimized me symptoms during the day. In the meantime, I would stay away from putting on lotion unless you know for a fact that it’s not making your symptoms worse. I know how maddening it is to have constant itching, and I hope you can get identify your trigger soon.

      1. Texan In Exile*

        Benadryl might make you sleepy.

        Or it might keep you awake and extremely alert for hours as you stare at the ceiling in your bedroom, wondering why once again, you are the poster child for rare side effects.

    8. Lore*

      My worst bout of hives was a weird consequence of a strep infection. I found the topical Benadryl gel more effective than cortisone; you need to be careful about mixing oral and topical Benadryl but you could probably use it with another antihistamine. Pure aloe gel also helped in between Benadryl. It’s the worst though—and mine would disappear in one spot and turn up somewhere else every few hours. It was super weird.

      1. voluptuousfire*

        That’s not surprising. In December, I broke out in random hives all over my neck and chest and I couldn’t figure out the cause of it. I use sensitive skin products and a free and clear detergent and when I went to the dermatologist, she said sometimes you get a bit of a virus and it manifests itself as hives. I had the same issue where it was musical hives–they seemed to randomly appear and disappear every few hours.

        In the end, my derm recommended Zyrtec twice a day in conjunction with Zantac. Apparently, Zantac can help with hives. When I saw the derm, the hives were on the way out but the combo did seem to kick the door shut behind them! I was fine within 48 hours of the derm visit.

  62. BBB*

    Getting out the military. Got an internship working for the White House. Four to six months, the Army would pay me to go to the White House complex and learn a new job, with the possibility of making it full time.

    Then it took over a month for the White House to get my paperwork done. Then it took over a month for the Army to give me one signature on one piece of paperwork. Then the program manager spent two weeks before approving the request.

    Today the White House cancelled my internship because there’s just not enough time for me to learn the job and get anything done.

    I’m absolutely furious right now.

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