updates: teaching with cancer, moving in with a coworker, and more by Alison Green on June 2, 2022 Here are three updates from past letter-writers. 1. Teaching with a cancer diagnosis (#5 at the link) I wrote to you at the end of last year, wondering if I should share my breast cancer diagnosis with my college students. I was concerned about burdening them. You and the commenters were beyond helpful. I read the comments early one morning, while lying in bed, and just cried. I was so overwhelmed by all the support. I took your (and the commenters’) advice, and matter-of-factly addressed things during our first class session. I said something along the lines of: “we’re meeting over Zoom this term because I am being treated for breast cancer. I’m telling you this because there will be times when I will wear different wigs or head coverings, and I don’t want you to feel awkward about noticing or concerned. Because of my treatment schedule, I will be a bit slower on returning graded assignments, and I will be completely unavailable over the weekends. But that is the only impact on you, and I appreciate your understanding.” You and the commenters were right – the students were very adult about everything, and many sent me notes of support. I am so glad I shared my diagnosis with them. The vast majority of them respected my weekend absences (which was a healthy boundary to draw regardless of the cancer!). When I wrote to you I was still so raw from the diagnosis, and feeling what I now recognize was internalized shame. The type of cancer I have is rare, and most frequently occurs in obese women. So I was feeling a lot of shame and thoughts that I had somehow brought this on myself by being overweight. Obviously, that is not true, but I recognize now how deep that shame was and how it was affecting my difficulties deciding to disclose the diagnosis. For others facing similar health issues, I do encourage you to share what you are willing with your communities. Both my department chair and dean have been quite supportive, and I have been impressed with my students’ maturity. Thanks to everyone who offered advice about pausing the tenure clock. I get an extra year because of COVID to begin with, and can apply for additional time (and probably will) any time until I submit my file for promotion. I finished chemo earlier in the spring, and am now recovering from surgery. It is still a long road ahead, and I will have to have similar conversations with my classes next fall and spring. But I will head into those discussions prepared with the advice from you and your commenters, and more confident in myself. Thank you again for your compassion and your advice. 2. How can I tell a good employee she’s not likely to advance here? (#3 at the link) I wrote to you a little over a year ago about an employee looking to advance on a team where there wasn’t much room for advancement. Everything ended up working out in a very roundabout way! A few months after I wrote to you, a position did open up that would have been a step up for my employee. She took on a lot of extra responsibilities at a time when our team was very short staffed. I did have some talks with her about moving into the vacant position and hoped she would apply. The day that the posting was closing, she ended up putting in her notice. She had found a position with a shorter commute, higher salary, and more WFH time than we could offer! I was (and still am) really happy for her! This was all a couple months ago. We just took her out to dinner to celebrate her new job since our office was closed for covid on her last day. She seems like she is excelling in her new role as well! I was finally able to get all the positions filled on my team and we are no longer short-staffed. I have been very open with my new staff about professional development and my support for their next career steps, wherever those may be. One of my new employees has only been here a few months and already applied for a year-long leadership development program and another is interested in going next year. It just makes me really happy to see them all working toward their goals and I’m happy to be here to support them! 3. My partner and I both work from home … and we’re moving in together It’s been great! Who knew living together could be so easy. I’ve found that I love going back to the office more, so have been heading in 3-4 days per week and my partner goes in at least once per week. We typically only work at home together on Fridays, when he sits at the dining table (on a proper computer chair) and lets me have have them study with the proper desk. I really appreciated all the advice re. Fitting a second desk in the main bedroom, but to us it was more important to have a separation of where we sleep and work. Neither of us often works past 6pm (and never on a Friday!) and everything work related other than the computer chair gets cleared every evening. You may also like:how should I talk about my cancer diagnosis at work?part-time admin got a full-time job, what to say when your boss is laid off, and moremy coworkers complained that the look of my breasts post-mastectomy is making them uncomfortable { 34 comments }
Little Miss Sunshine* June 2, 2022 at 12:42 pm LW1, I was in a similar situation, having been diagnosed with breast cancer in the fall and I struggled with telling my -coworkers and direct reports. Like you, I disclosed my condition at the point in time where my team would notice/be impacted by my treatment. I too have found support through this site and the wonderful commentariat. I wish you continued success in your treatment protocol and whatever you tackle next in life!
immunorecovering* June 3, 2022 at 10:56 am Wishing you good luck and good outcomes from treatments, LW1! I’m glad you were able to do was right for you these past 6 months! And, wishing luck to you too, Little Miss Sunshine! (for context, I was diagnosed in May of 2021)
OrigCassandra* June 2, 2022 at 12:43 pm All best wishes to you for a swift and complete recovery, OP1. I’m glad your students have largely done the decent thing by you.
Scott* June 2, 2022 at 12:53 pm Good updates from all. It’s really great to hear LW#1 had that kind of outcome with the class and peers. Best wishes for your continued recovery.
BlueSwimmer* June 2, 2022 at 3:50 pm Also just coming to comment on how refreshing it is when a boss is invested in everyone’s career development, even if it means people leaving the team/company. My former boss helped me move to my current position, even though it left a hole on the team for awhile. I am so grateful for his support.
Squirrel Nutkin* June 2, 2022 at 4:34 pm Yes! Where I work, there are extremely few opportunities for advancement for our galactically underpaid adjunct faculty — I consider it a big win if we can help them get to a job that pays them more fairly and helps them move forward in life. Fortunately, our great boss feels that way too!
MediumEd* June 2, 2022 at 1:00 pm #1, I am SO glad to hear that you have gotten so much support from your college and students. Sounds like your experience telling your students went better than you could have expected. I must say I also got a little misty when I read your update. Good luck with your treatment, I wish you all the best!
Squirrel Nutkin* June 2, 2022 at 4:30 pm Absolutely! I am smiling SO hard at all of these. LWs, I am thrilled that you’re all doing well!
Abogado Avocado* June 2, 2022 at 1:39 pm #1, thank you for the update, which is heartening in so many ways! May the support from your college and students continue, and may your treatment give you energy and health.
PhilosopherP* June 2, 2022 at 2:12 pm LW1.. I was teaching college during my breast cancer treatments. I was open with my students and they were wonderful. I’ll love those students forever!
Bookworm* June 2, 2022 at 2:19 pm All such nice updates, thanks for sharing! (Which is not to say not nice updates shouldn’t be shared, of course!)
Goldenrod* June 2, 2022 at 2:27 pm OP #1 – Congrats on handling that situation perfectly! I can relate to the shame. For some reason, having something medically wrong with me also makes me feel shame sometimes….even when it’s not related to weight or anything….I think it’s just an irrational human response to not being perfect. The reality, of course, is that we are all humans in imperfect bodies, and our bodies randomly fail us at times, and it is NOT OUR FAULT. I hope you are able to get past that irrational feeling (I know it’s hard to do!) and give yourself the credit you deserve for handling the challenges of life with aplomb!!
Sara without an H* June 2, 2022 at 3:04 pm I was diagnosed with breast cancer four years ago. When I went in for my first meeting with the surgeon, he gave me an explainer sheet, with graphics showing the differences between various types of treatment. Across the top he’d written in big block letters: THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. For some reason, probably buried deep in layers of history and culture, we tend to assume bad things happen to us because we did something “wrong.” Most of the time, this is rubbish.
Jerusha* June 2, 2022 at 3:22 pm I think it’s the “just world” fallacy coming around to bite us in the buttocks. “Something bad happened to that person because they did this wrong thing. I don’t/didn’t do that wrong thing, so the bad thing won’t happen to me.” Except when a bad thing does happen to you, that turns into “I must have done something to cause/deserve this, because it wouldn’t be happening if I hadn’t”. Which, to be clear, is hooey. Bad things happen randomly. The fact that a bad thing happens to you often doesn’t mean anything other than you had bad luck. (And, even if it were “your fault”, for whatever value that might take, what good does that do now? Can you go back a few years (or decades!) and retroactively not have done whatever it was that meant you “deserved” the bad event now? No!) The uncaring randomness of the universe is pretty scary. It’s much “safer” to feel like you have control over (and therefore responsibility for) what happens to you. Which works until something bad randomly happens, at which point you’re left with two uncomfortable choices – accept that you were the victim of random bad luck, and don’t have nearly the level of control over life that you thought you had, or continue to believe that you do have control, and therefore bear responsibility for the bad outcome.
Sara without an H* June 2, 2022 at 6:40 pm He’s a great guy. The world needs more surgeons with empathy and good bedside manners!
catsamillion* June 2, 2022 at 3:15 pm Hi LW1, I was just recently diagnosed with breast cancer and I start chemo next week. Your story is the kind of thing I need to read right now. I am being really open with all my clients, all the people in my life, about all of it, and that transparency is what I need right now. Thank you so much for this update and congrats on finishing chemo. I know you have a long road ahead but that is a huge deal!
LW1* June 2, 2022 at 6:46 pm Hey, I’m so sorry to hear about your diagnosis, and am sending you so much support. I found it incredibly helpful to have 2-3 people who had been through similar treatment to connect with. I had never met any of them in person, but they were friends of friends and our group text has been invaluable. I am happy to try to connect! Alison has my contact info, or we can figure something else out. Big virtual hug to you!
Mavis* June 2, 2022 at 3:56 pm LW1: Great Update! Re: feeling like it’s your fault because of your weight. If you like podcasts and don’t already listen to Maintenance Phase, I can highly recommend it. It debunks a lot of weight-related gospel that the medical community believes based on correlations like the one you heard (e.g. obese people are more likely to have a certain type of cancer). As many people – even really smart ones! – so often do, they mistakenly apply the conclusion causally. There are many theories that posit the reasons behind this correlation isn’t because higher weights lead to health problems but rather the consequences of stigmatizing weight/weight gain means that people who are considered „overweight“ (itself an arbitrary term, we‘re learning, as is „obese“) either don’t seek regular medical care or, when they do, are brushed off by medical professionals who often „prescribe“ weight loss before considering other treatments. All this means that early detection is rarer and by the time a condition is discovered, it’s later stage, which of course means it’s harder to treat and the rates of recovery are lower. Etc. Obviously, there are countless variables in any one person‘s medical history. But this podcast has really made me question a lot of what I thought I knew about health and nutrition – and I‘ve been questioning it for the past 25 years. So! Please continue to be well and tell those intrusive thoughts to get bent.
Beebee* June 2, 2022 at 5:16 pm So happy to hear about OP #1! I hope your recovery goes well and am glad to hear about all the support you’ve been receiving.
AnonNY* June 2, 2022 at 8:56 pm Sending healing thoughts to you, LW#1. I’m glad your students were so supportive. I have had breast cancer myself—I actually discovered this site in 2015 when I needed advice on how to deal with a job offer when waiting on cancer test results. Alison & the commenters were so helpful & kind. I’ll be thinking of you & wishing you a smooth recovery.
LR* June 2, 2022 at 9:09 pm OP#1, your students will remember your professionalism and dedication to teaching! I had a prof once who was undergoing chemo and similarly gave us a heads up at the start of term. She then just focused on the material and even though she sometimes lay on the floor while lecturing, she was always clear with us that she had things under control and wanted to continue. She set a great example for us of a role model handling a terribly difficult situation with grace. She later became department chair!
dinky* June 3, 2022 at 2:05 pm OP #1 (teaching with cancer diagnosis), We have been in a similar boat. I am a lecturer at a European university and got diagnosed with breast cancer last Summer at the age of 33. I know you have found a solution that works for you, and I want to share what I did – maybe it is of help to some. Like you said, the first stage around the diagnosis and the treatment plan was quite stressful. On top of “am I going to live or die”, I was also afraid for losing my job (I have a temporary contract and no idea what my rights were). In the university and office culture, everyone is usually pretty private about their personal lives, especially (and rightfully so) to the students, so I felt somewhat reluctant to dump my medical info on their plates. It is still my own, personal body we would be talking about. Legally speaking, I learned that I have the right to not disclose my illness to my employer and that they are obligated to pay me until the end of my contract. However, after a few weeks of contemplating and after I knew that the tumor was not metastasized, I decided to tell my coworkers what was up: ‘Unfortunately I was diagnosed with breast cancer, fortunately, the doctors think it is treatable, unfortunately, the treatment will take everything I have.’ I decided that students should not be protected from the real world. Being sick, having cancer, is part of life, and it is best they learn that by me showing them. The students I closely worked with I told a similar message, emphasizing that was a treatment plan, not to worry too much and quickly moving on to what my limited availability would mean for their own projects. The response I got was overwhelmingly positive. People thanked me for being so open, shared their own cancer stories and offered all the support I needed. Students still occasionally e-mail me with kind, short messages. Everyone I knew, including the medical team told me I would not be able to work during the chemo therapy treatment, I believed I could work at least part-time. I was wrong. I had memory issues and other cognitive issues due to the medication and I was in no position to critique students’ work, so I had to stop. It sucked to be a full-time patient. In the country I’m working
dinky* June 3, 2022 at 2:23 pm OP #1 (teaching with cancer diagnosis), We have been in a similar boat. I am a lecturer at a European university and got diagnosed with breast cancer last Summer at the age of 33. I know you have found a solution that works for you, and I want to share what me and my management did – maybe it is of help to some. Like you said, the first stage around the diagnosis and the treatment plan was quite stressful. On top of “am I going to live or die”, I was also afraid for losing my job if I lived (I have a temporary contract and no idea what my rights were). In the university and office culture, everyone is usually pretty private about their personal lives, especially (and rightfully so) to the students, so I felt somewhat reluctant to dump my medical info on peoples’ plates. It is still my own, personal body we would be talking about. Legally speaking, I learned that I have the right to not disclose my illness to my employer and that they are obligated to pay me until the end of my contract. However, after a few weeks of contemplating and after I knew that the tumor was not metastasized, I decided to tell my coworkers what was up: ‘Unfortunately I was diagnosed with breast cancer, fortunately, the doctors think it is treatable, unfortunately, the treatment will take everything I have.’ I decided that students should not be protected from the real world and real life. Being sick, having cancer, is part of life, and it is best they learn that by me showing them. So the students I closely worked with I told a similar message, emphasizing that there was a treatment plan, that my health would take priority in the coming months, and then I quickly moved on to what my limited availability would mean for their own projects. The response I got was overwhelmingly positive. People thanked me for being so open, shared their own stories and offered all the support I needed. Students still occasionally e-mail me with kind, short messages. They were exceptionally mature and I may have underestimated them. They are adults, after all. My employers offered my a contract extension of a year, meaning I would be paid my salary for 20 months after my diagnosis, regardless of whether I worked, to relieve me from some job security-related stress. Additionally, we will discuss any other extensions when I am back. Everyone I knew, including my medical team, told me I would not be able to work during the chemo therapy treatment, but I believed I could work at least part-time. I was wrong. I had memory issues and other cognitive issues due to the medication and I was in no position to critique students’ work, so I had to stop. (The memory issues were another reason that I appreciated my own openness: I did not have to remember what I told to whom, and if I had kept anything secret). It sucked to be a full-time patient. However, in the country I’m located in, it is relatively common to stop working during cancer treatment, barring therapeutic activities. I really think management, coworkers and students have acted exemplary, with the bonus that I am looking forward to returning to work soon. Returning to work is called ‘reintegration’ here, and it will be a phased process in which I will be working part time for the better part of this year. The medical team and my managers are wary of me starting too fast and burning myself up quickly (apparently there is a high risk of burn-out with post-chemo patients).
Irish Teacher* June 4, 2022 at 7:17 am My story is a lot different, but I will add it for what it’s worth. I teach secondary school and had a diagnosis of thyroid cancer about two and a half years ago. In my case, I chose to tell only a small number of people that it was cancer. I told the principal, the head of my department and another teacher who was a close friend of the head of my department and who I didn’t want her to feel she had to lie to, but otherwise, just told people I had a cyst on my thyroid which needed to be removed or that I had to have my thyroid removed (one of my colleagues believed until recently when the issue came up that it had to be removed because it was overactive). My students knew I had an operation and some were very keen to see the scar, which WAS rather dramatic. It is a very diferent story because the surgery removed the cancer and I did not have to have any ongoing treatments. I do have to have scans once a year and have another appointment or two for discussing results and monitoring my thyroid medication and stuff, which is why I felt I needed to give the full context to the principal. The main reason I didn’t tell everybody else the full story was just because I didn’t want them to assume chemotherapy and so on, when that was not what would happen. As with the other stories, everybody was very supportive. The deputy principal, who I only told I needed surgery, told me that the job came a long way down the line compared to my health, the head of my department told me if I wanted a day off any time to deal with the situation to just text her and we could cover it unofficially within the department and took me aside to ask how she could support me. Even my young teenage students asked if the scar hurt.
CM* June 6, 2022 at 9:37 am I love all of these, OP#1 encountering kindness when they needed it, #2 being an awesome boss (and I’m sure getting repaid with team members who are committed to doing their best for you), and #3 — it is absolutely not easy to live with another person, and if you’re finding it easy, what a great sign!