{ 1,216 comments… read them below }

  1. Ask a Manager* Post author

    A reminder of the rules for the weekend thread: Comments should ask questions and/or seek to discuss ideas. (Recommendations or an update or two on things you received advice about in the past are also fine.)

  2. advice givers*

    What are your favorite advice columns to read? I am especially interested in niche topics like this one on work or Slate’s on child raising. I like the general ones too like Dear Prudence but the niche ones are more interesting a lot of the time. Who is good?

    2. Bogey*

      I read all I can find. I’m addicted. Dear Abby, Ask Amy, Harriette Cole, Ask Someone Else’s Mom. I mostly like the comments people make. A view into people’s messed up lives.

      1. Evergreen*

        If you like the comments people make, love letters from the Boston globe is published as the columnist’s opinion with commenter’s opinions with it.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          I like that one. I haven’t decided whether I’ll keep the paper when my discounted sub expires next month. Probably, if they offer a renewal that’s not too expensive. Definitely, if I get a job there. *fingers crossed*

    3. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      I like The Moneyist on MarketWatch about financial interpersonal issues although it does have a monthly free article limit.

    6. Mallory Janis Ian*

      I think it’s called Dear Penny (I read it when it shows up in my Facebook feed), and she answers people’s financial questions (which often happen to be relationship questions).

      1. Silly Janet*

        Besides this one, Captain Awkward, Dr. Nerdlove, Dear Therapist, and Hola Papi! The nerdier, the better.

    7. Weaponized Pumpkin*

      Ask A Therapist at The Atlantic — Lori Gottlieb — always impresses me with her compassionate insight

    8. BEC*

      My absolutely favorite is CaptainAwkward.com – she is right up there with Alison for me.

      1. VLookupsAreMyLife*

        Yep, I actually found AMA thru CA! I still go back & read the archives regularly. African Violet & the Sandwich of Love are now regular idioms in my home, right up there with BEC.

        1. No pineapple on pizza*

          Sorry, posted too soon! What I wanted to ask was, is the forum a good place to go for advice/chatting, and to discuss CA’s posts? I know CA herself doesn’t post there, and isn’t involved with it.

        2. Mademoiselle Sugarlump*

          I was on the forum when it started and eventually left because there were so many rules about triggering, violent speech (things like “I hate Trump” was forbidden). I get why it was run that way, but I just couldn’t enjoy it when I had to tiptoe so much.

    10. Snow Globe*

      Love Carolyn Hax and Captain Awkward. Dear Prudence on Slate has had a number of different writers, some better than others, I’ll leave it at that.

      1. allathian*

        Yeah, I used to read several columns on Slate, but stopped when it went behind a paywall several years ago. Carolyn Hax was one of my favorites, but not to the point that I’d be willing to pay to get access to her columns.

        I read CA mostly for the comments, so the new posts aren’t all that interesting to me. I’m glad there’s lots of material in the archives, though.

    11. lobsterbot*

      I tried to give up reading so many advice columns, and was only somewhat successful since now I read reddit’s AmItheAsshole as much or more than I used to waste time reading advice columns. I do enjoy it sometimes though and if you like advice columns you might also.

    13. fposte*

      The Digg Good Question roundup is a nice way to sample different advice columns. And I’ll also add Carolyn Hax and two shoutouts to defunct columns: Caity Weaver’s Thatz Not Okay and, of course, the Bad Advisor’s That Bad Advice.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Oh, Caity Weaver was wonderful! (Also loved her Best American Restaurant reviews with Rich Juzwiak — is it a good place to bring a doll?)

        1. fposte*

          I didn’t know about those–I’ll go hunt the archives.

          Her profile piece on The Rock was also one of my favorite reads.

          1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

            Ooh, thank you for the tip — I don’t think I’ve read the Rock piece!

            To find most of Caity’s restaurant reviews, try a search for “best restaurant in new york caity weaver rich” using the duckduckgo search engine. The most iconic one is about the American Girl store cafe. There is also an epic review of most of the restaurants at Epcot Center.

    14. Cocafonix*

      Carolyn Hax and AAM are the best for me. Worst is Captain Awkward. Such a rambling writer, I can’t understand why she has a following. I’ve tried several times after seeing people fawn over her here. But it’s torturous reading to me. Maybe I prefer the more insightful, direct and witty styles of Hax and Alison. I read Prudence, mostly because the letters are interesting, but Prudence changes so often the advice is hit and miss.

      1. RagingADHD*

        Captain Awkward used to be wittier and ramble less, but also used to have a lot more trouble with chaos in the comment section. Since she turned her comments off and since a particularly dark turn in response to the 2016 election, her posts have become harder to read and less enjoyable.

        She was more fun to read when she was a little more off the cuff and didn’t ruminate over each post so much.

      2. The Other Dawn*

        I agree about CA. I’ve tried reading her website several times over the years and I just don’t see why she has a big following. Her answers are just way too long and I generally lose interest about two paragraphs in. “Torturous” is definitely the right word.

        I used to like Dear Prudence, but stopped shortly after Danny took over.

        1. No pineapple on pizza*

          Have any of you used the forum, Friends of Captain Awkward? I know that CA isn’t involved with it, but I’d be interested in checking it out if it’s a good place for discussion and advice.

          1. RagingADHD*

            I got as far as reading the rules before registering, and it put me right off. So many draconian rules. So many updates and clarifications and rules-lawyering of the rules. And it was clear that the excessive rules were made in response to weirdly bad behavior and weird complaints.

            It appeared to be, as a CA fan would say, “full of bees.”

        2. Anne Shirley*

          I felt the same. I wanted to like that column after hearing so many people here talk about her but I would lose interest halfway through the (long) answers. Though I do remember CA and AAM collaborating on here once and I found her response to be pretty thoughtful.

          I’m kind of curious to know about the dark turn it took in 2016. Was it the comment section that turned that way?

          1. RagingADHD*

            No, she was just in a very dark place. IIRC, it was a convergence of her own & possibly her husband’s health issues, plus stress over the state of **things,** plus she closed comments because it was becoming unmanageable. I’m not even sure if the post I recall is still up.

            As far as closing comments, her entire appeal and audience revolve around folks with lifelong difficulty in communicating and interacting with others, so it was inevitable that moderating a community like that would become more and more work as it grew. I don’t think it’s a failing on her part that ya know, life got serious and she got serious.

            But people read blogs for different reasons, and it just wasn’t entertaining after that. It was work.

      3. Mademoiselle Sugarlump*

        I agree. Hax is my favorite for general stuff. I used to love Captain Awkward but yes, it’s torture to read. Edit! She has good advice but so often it’s buried in a lot of chaff.
        I read Prudence but agree, the writers change too much and some are awful.

    15. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Captain Awkward, Dan Savage, Dr. Nerdlove, an earlier Dear Prudence — but Captain Awkward is my fave!

    16. Anonymous Cat*

      Can anyone recommend advice columns from outside the US? It’s fascinating to see how other places handle similar human problems.

      1. pancakes*

        Someone asked that within the past few weeks – have a look at the last few weekend threads.

      2. Goddess Sekhmet*

        Ask Annalisa Barbiera and Ask Philippa, both in The Guardian are good. There’s also a column called Leading Questions but I can’t remember the name of the columnist.

    17. MEH Squared*

      I used to read several of the ones listed above/below, but I’ve gone off pretty much all of them for one reason or the other. I do still like Captain Awkward when I can remember to check (she updates very infrequently). This is the only commentariat I read on the regular, though. I find the commenters here to be thoughtful and able to look at multiple points of view in general, even if I don’t agree with them. I don’t find the same for most of the other comment sections.

    18. misspiggy*

      Eleanor Gordon-Smith in the Guardian is always wise, kind and insightful. Much like our own fposte.

      1. Outside Earthling*

        Agree. Annalisa Barbieri in the Guardian is also great. And Philippa Perry!

        1. pancakes*

          Those are the only ones I read at this point. I find Dear Prudence maddening, mostly not on account of the advice but the problems people write in with. So often it’s something along the lines of, “My family has treated me badly for decades on account of their [virulent homophobia / breathtaking nastiness / etc.] but I’d like then all to have a nice time at my wedding, how can I make that happen?” Or, “I’m about to marry this person I don’t see eye-to-eye with on anything, particularly raising children. We sharply disagree about [xyz]. Does that matter?”

    19. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      I used to be a big fan of Mr Blue on Salon but I don’t think they have his archives up. Salon also became a junk site like 10-15ish years ago maybe because it went broke?

    20. Fellow Traveller*

      A lot of my favorites are listed, but I also really like Meg Leahy’s parenting column in the Washington Post.

  3. bookwormed*

    I’d like to read some more retellings–classic stories told from another point of view. Examples: Wide Sargasso Sea (retelling of Jane Eyre from the wife’s perspective) or the Other Bennett Sister (Pride and Prejudice told by Mary Bennett) or even Bridget Jones’ Diary (P&P). What retellings have you liked?

    1. Frank*

      Circe and Song of Achilles, both by Madeline Miller, are novels about minor characters from The Odyssey and The Iliad. Not really re-tellings because their full stories were never explored by Homer, but damn they are so worth reading. Song of Achilles is one of the most beautiful love stories I’ve ever read. I HATE love stories! Miller is a phenomenal writer.

      1. AcademiaNut*

        In a similar vein, Lavinia by Ursula Le Guin.

        In a very broad way, the Athena Club trilogy by Theodora Goss has main characters who are the daughters/experimental subjects of literary mad scientists (Mary Jekyll and Diana Hyde, Justine Frankenstein, etc). It pulls from a lot of Gothic fiction, but from a very different point of view, and is a great read.

        Katherine Addison’s The Angel of the Crows is a delightful takeoff/retelling of Sherlock Holmes.

        1. AcademiaNut*

          Oh, and the newly released T. Kingfisher’s What Moves the Dead, a retelling of The Fall of the House of Usher.

          1. GoryDetails*

            I love Kingfisher’s horror-story re-imaginings – I have “What Moves the Dead” on my to-be-read list, and adored “The Hollow Places” (inspired by Blackwood’s “The Willows”) and “The Twisted Ones” (for Machen’s “The White People”).

        2. allathian*

          Seconding Lavinia, a great story that still stays with me although I read it more than 10 years ago.

      3. CatCat*

        Similarly, A Thousand Ships by Natalie Haynes. It’s a series of short stories from the points of view of girls and women involved in and impacted by the Trojan War.

      4. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        LOVED Circe! (Content warning for abusive family, though.)

    2. Nitpicker*

      After Abel and Other Stories by Michal Lemberger. Retelling Bible stories from the women’s point of view. Very imaginative and very powerful.

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      If you like Disney animated movies, there’s a series called Twisted Tales (different authors) that are sort of a combination of different POV and “what if this one tiny thing had happened slightly differently?”

    4. PollyQ*

      Christopher Moore has written a number of these, including the awesome Fool, which is a retelling of King Lear from (surprise!) the Fool’s point of view.

      1. cubone*

        Lamb: the Gospel According to Biff, Jesus’ Childhood Pal by Christopher Moore is another great one. I took a bunch of religion courses in undergrad and the references were so much. So funny and surprisingly touching.

        1. GoryDetails*

          I loved Lamb! Surprisingly touching indeed, much more respectful to Jesus’ character than I’d expected (though still hilarious).

          1. A Reader*

            I was going to suggest Lamb. I lent it to a religious friend who loved it, and he recommended it to his priest (who also loved it). I’m very non-religious and was a bit worried but was pleasantly surprised religious folk enjoyed it as much as I did.

    5. AY*

      You would probably love Longborn, which is told from the POV of a Bennett family servant.

      Barbara Kingsolver is apparently releasing an Appalachian retelling of David Copperfield this fall, so be on the lookout!

    6. Weekend Warrior*

      Here On Earth by Alice Hoffman. A retelling of Wuthering Heights that brings to life how chilling a dark broody “great love” really is.

      1. Pieismyreligion*

        I just now realized that Here on Earth is a retelling of Wuthering Heights. Thank you.

    7. Dark Macadamia*

      MY FAVORITE GENRE!

      For adults:

      The Chosen and The Beautiful (Nghi Vo) – The Great Gatsby from the POV of Jordan Baker, who is queer and Vietnamese, and also there is literal magic.

      Gods of Jade and Shadow (Silvia Moreno-Garcia) – Mayan gods in Jazz Age Mexico, kind of Cinderella vibes, I don’t know how much any of it coincides with Mayan stories.

      Winternight Trilogy (Katherine Arden) – based on Russian folklore/creatures.

      The Snow Child (Eowyn Ivey) – based on… the Snow Child folktale.

      YA:

      Thorn (Intisar Khanani) – The Goose Girl with political intrigue, kicks off a trilogy.

      The Lunar Chronicles (Marissa Mayer) – sci fi series based on fairy tales, Cinderella is a cyborg, Rapunzel’s tower is a satellite, etc. It’s kind of ridiculous at times – she loses HER FOOT at the ball instead of a shoe – but really fun.

      Language of Thorns (Leigh Bardugo) – series of short stories with dark twists to fairy tales, gorgeous illustrations that grow from page to page.

      Legend (Marie Lu) – sci fi, the main characters’ dynamic is based on Javert and Jean Valjean.

      1. Jortina*

        Loved The Chosen and the Beautiful! I think it helped that The Great Gatsby is one of my favorite books and I’ve read it probably over a dozen times.

        1. VegetarianRaccoon*

          I loved it too! I suspect I ended up checking it out because of someone’s recommendation here!

    8. CatCat*

      Wicked by Gregory Maguire. About the Wicked Witch of the West.

      The musical Wicked is… very loosely based on the book. They are quite different. The book is much darker. I’d view them as separate works.

      1. St. Mary’s Institute of Historical Research*

        I love Wicked (the book). It is an amazing example of world-building – Maguire takes hints and bits and pieces dropped by L. Frank Baum throughout the Oz series, and uses them to create a world that is simultaneously completely absurd and utterly believable. The musical is cute and has great music, but the book is on another level altogether.

      2. Pieismyreligion*

        I love the book and the play, two different things tho.
        Gregory Maguire also wrote different tellings of Cinderella – “Confessions of an Ugly Stepsister” and Snow White – “Mirror Mirror”.

    10. BubbleTea*

      A Thousand Acres by Jane Smiley is a retelling of King Lear set in the Midwest. TW for sexual assault.

    11. KittyRiot*

      Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead by Tom Stoppard (a play). Well worth reading!

    13. Irish Teacher*

      Toni Morrison has a retelling of Othello. Personally, I didn’t like it much, which disappointed me, as Toni Morrison is my all time favourite author and Othello my favourite Shakespearean play, but just ’cause I didn’t like it doesn’t mean others won’t.

      Then there’s Through the Looking Glass Wars, which is a retelling of Alice in Wonderland. I did like that, probably because I DIDN’T like Alice in Wonderland.

      1. Camelid coordinator*

        I love her writing and just started reading Horse. I am curious about March but enjoy the female POV so much in Little Women I haven’t tried March yet.

        1. Susie*

          Agreed re female POV in Little Women. I don’t want to spoil March, but it is a very feminist book despite the protagonist being male.

    15. St. Mary’s Institute of Historical Research*

      The Queens of Innis Lear by Tessa Gratton is a fantasy retelling of King Lear told from the perspective of each of the 3 daughters (told in alternating chapters). It’s LONG, but so good!

    16. Camelid coordinator*

      I am always up for a smart Sherlock Holmes take and enjoyed “A Study in Charlotte” and “A Study in Scarlet Women” & the books that followed. Also, Naomi Novik’s retelling of Rumplestilskin, “Spinning Silver,” is amazing. Happy reading!

    17. E*

      The Other Boleyn Girl by Philippa Gregory. It’s about the sister of Anne Boleyn, who married (and was beheaded by) Henry VIII. There was a movie with the same name, which I don’t know anything about, but loved the book

      1. Snow Globe*

        Along similar lines, My Enemy the Queen (by Victoria Holt), from the perspective of one of Queen Elizabeth’s cousins, a lady in waiting who married the Earl of Leicester, the Queen’s favorite, and was subsequently banned from court. She was also the mother of the Earl of Essex, who became the Queen’s favorite in later years.

    18. CN*

      The Mersault Investigation is a retelling of Camus’s The Stranger from the perspective of the brother of the Algerian murder victim— it reminded me of Wide Sargasso Sea, which is a personal favorite as well, though I haven’t read The Mersault Investigation in a while.

    19. GoryDetails*

      I’ve mentioned this one before, but Mark Merlis’ AN ARROW’S FLIGHT is an intriguing retelling of Sophocles’ play “Philoctetes”, set near the end of the Trojan War. It’s set in a world that’s both modern and ancient, more than a little surreal; I enjoyed it very much.

      And down-thread in the mystery-series-recommendation thread I mentioned Alan Gordon’s THIRTEENTH NIGHT, the first of his “Fools Guild” series, which is a retelling (and significant re-imagining) of Shakespeare’s “Twelfth Night” – I really liked it, though depending on how fond you are of the characters in the original you might find some of the tweaks disturbing.

    20. Falling Diphthong*

      Good Night Mr Holmes by Carole Nelson Douglas retells A Scandal in Bohemia from the point of view of Irene Adler. Or more precisely Irene’s story through the extensive diary entries of her dear friend and roommate Penelope Huxleigh. In this version Irene worked as a Pinkerton in America to make ends meet between singing gigs, and takes on the occasional investigative job while trying to get her music career established in London. Characters like Bram Stoker and Oscar Wilde make an appearance.

      I really like this version because Irene is not rewritten to lose to Sherlock, a feature of far too many Holmes adaptations.

      1. Mephyle*

        Jane Fairfax by Joan Aiken. I actually read this some time before Emma, so when I got around to reading Emma, I had already had a different perspective than if I had come to the Austen classic first.

        1. the cat's ass*

          I love everything by Joan Aiken, so it’s lovely to see her here! Susan Howatch’s “The Rich are Different” is lightly based on Caesar/Cleopatra/Antony/Octavius. The sequel, “Sins of the Fathers’ is not but Howatch wasn’t done with the characters yet.

    22. Texan In Exile*

      Ahab’s Wife is sort of a re-telling of Moby Dick. (Except I didn’t have to force myself to read it.)

      The Mists of Avalon is the Arthurian legend from the women’s POV.

      And I agree with other commenters that Circe is amazing.

      1. NoIWontFixYourComputer*

        Have you read Mary Stewart’s Crystal Cave series? Another retelling of the Arthur legend.

    23. AnonAgain*

      My Dear Hamilton, telling the story of Alexander Hamilton from the point of view of his wife. I don’t usually read historical fiction, but LOVED this book.

    24. Nicki Name*

      Mercedes Lackey’s Elemental Masters series is mostly (entirely?) disguised retellings of fairy tales.

      Tanith Lee’s Red as Blood is also retellings of fairy tales, with dark twists.

      1. lissajous*

        In a similar vein (although very different writing style from Mercedes Lackey!) Naomi Novik’s Uprooted and Spinning Silver are fairy tale retellings of Beauty and the Beast and Rumpelstiltskin respectively.

        Uprooted is good; Spinning Silver is amazing.

    25. Drago Cucina*

      Til We Have Faces by C.S. Lewis is a retelling of the Cupid and Psyche myth. It’s one of my favorite books.

    26. Lore*

      The Hogarth Shakespeare series is meandering its way through the canon with different authors taking on each play. (They may have abandoned the project but there’s about 8 so far. I’ve only read the Winterson and the Atwood, which both had their charms.) https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hogarth_Shakespeare?wprov=sfti1

      Also Mona Awad’s All’s Well despite its title is kind of a spin on Macbeth.

    27. Jessica*

      Snow, Glass, Apples. A retelling of Snow White from the stepmother’s perspective. It was a short story by Neil Gaiman but has been turned into a graphic novel.

    28. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Not a book, but just a shout out to the film *Clueless* for re-telling *Emma* in an amusing way.

    29. Elizabeth West*

      Mary Reilly, by Valerie Martin. It’s a retelling of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde told from the POV of the doctor’s housemaid. It was made into a film starring Julia Roberts.

    30. Westsidestory*

      Pride Prejudice and Zombies is surprisingly good, and succeeds as a suspenseful romance that doesn’t stray to far from the original story. The movie is also fun for anyone who’s reread P&P recently.

    31. Alex*

      I recommend “When She Woke” by Hillary Jordan. It is a modern version of the Scarlet Letter. Very on point given the events of the past few months.

    32. Pieismyreligion*

      I’m currently reading The Porpoise by Mark Haddon, it’s a re-telling of the Greek legend of Appollonius, and enjoying it.

    33. Chaordic One*

      “The Wind Done Gone,” by Alice Randall, a retelling of Margaret Mitchell’s “Gone With the Wind,” told from the point of view of Scarlet O’Hara’s mulatto half-sister.

    34. Imtheone*

      Such great suggestions! I am so happy you asked this question. I’m always looking for more things to read.

    35. I take tea*

      This is a Swedish classic, so it’s probably not familiar, but a pair of books worth reading, they are both translated to English with foreword by Margaret Atwood:
      Doctor Glas by Hjalmar Söderberg: a doctor in Stockholm around last turn of the century tries to help a woman avoid her husbands “privileges”. You can read about it on Wikipedia: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Doctor_Glas.
      Extract from Atwoods foreword here: https://www.theguardian.com/books/2002/oct/26/classics.margaretatwood
      After you have read this, you can read Gregorius by Bengt Ohlsson, which deals with the husband, from his point of view. It’s not apologist, but you can understand him. Very well written.

    36. the cat's ass*

      This goes back a ways, but “The Bloody Chamber.” by Angela Carter, is a feminist, explicit retelling of quite a few fairy tales, starting with Bluebeard.

  4. Wanderluster*

    Three related questions for those who like to travel a lot, answer any of them in whatever level of detail you want!

    1. What is on your travel life list/bucket list? How long is that list?

    2. How have you been doing on that? (The pandemic hasn’t helped, right?) What great trips have you checked off?

    3. Have you gotten a lot of guilting from family/friends about choosing to spend your vacation days/holidays/time/money/effort on travel? (Have you felt a lot of self-induced guilt?) How have you dealt with that?

    1. talos*

      I kind of have a two-track bucket list, with one set of super achievable trips (American cities and national parks) and another set of, like, world cities (the weirdest being Singapore, because I just have an endless fascination for no good reason). Between the two tracks there are probably 100+ items, and I’ve fully accepted that I won’t hit everything.

      What I’ve been doing is kind of saying yes to any trips I was offered by friends or whatever (yes, I will sleep on your couch if you’ve been COVID-safe lately!) and taking 3- and 4-day weekends to do basically anything close. In the last couple years I’ve done Baltimore, a couple days in DC (not enough time to see everything), and a road trip through northern California to see some national parks (Lassen, Crater Lake, and Redwoods). No international travel given COVID, but a lot of stuff on the first track of the bucket list!

      Fortunately, my family encourage me to take vacations and my friends travel with me or host me sometimes, so no issues there!

      1. Sally*

        You might like Mt. St. Helen’s. When you first see the blown out crater it is truly breathtaking. When I lived in Washington State, I used to hike around it with my son as often as possible. There are trails of all kinds of lengths and levels.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          I want to see that so bad. If anyone has read Confluence,this is where a certain location came from. :) My childhood babysitter had a friend in Washington who sent her a jar of ash and she gave me some.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      My big bucket list item is to go to all the Disney parks at least once. I didn’t go while I was in Paris a few years ago, and I’ve kicked myself for it ever since because I didn’t enjoy pretty much any of what I DID do in Paris on that trip, but hindsight is 20/20. So I’ve only been to the two US ones so far.

      I’ve done some good trips though. Paris was part of a summer spent touring through something like 13 cities in 9 European countries over six weeks, and that was wonderful (Paris aside). A few years ago my bestie and I did a road trip of civil war battlefields and the associated national parks, Gettysburg/Bull Run/Antietam and three days in and around Richmond. That was a really fascinating week.

      I have no travel guilt and I generally don’t spend time with people who try to guilt trip me about anything, so it hasn’t been an issue.

      1. Wanderluster*

        Tokyo Disney Resort is definitely on my bucket list! (As part of a larger Japan dream trip.) I’ve read so much about TDR and it really sounds full of charm and magic. I did visit DLP on my last Paris trip, we were visiting a family member and while they were at work during the week we spent some time at the parks. Definitely worth a visit (I can’t count how many times we rode Phantom Manor), but I would put the US resorts ahead on my revist list!

        1. Nina_Bee*

          Not sure if you’re into Studio Ghibli but they’re building a Ghibli theme park you could add to the Japana bucket list also. Even the small Ghibli museum is worth a visit for a few hours.

      2. Disco Janet*

        Whaaaat you have the same travel goal as me! So far I’ve only been to Disney World as airfare to other parts of the country/world are pretty expensive on a teacher’s salary, but I’ll get there eventually! Tokyo Disneysea is the one I’m most excited to someday see – particularly for their version of Pirates of the Caribbean. And it just works out that they’re all in countries I would love to visit regardless.

        I do occasionally get comments about how much of our money/vacation time we spend at Disney, but meh. We do what makes us happy, and it’s mostly from people who just don’t like the idea of a Disney trip, or amusement parks in general. Which is fine, obviously – I’m not trying to convince them to join. Would be nice though if people didn’t have to snark on me doing what I like and spending my money and time on things I enjoy, just because it’s not their cup of tea.

        1. Disco Janet*

          And realizing I didn’t answer the “how has travel been going” question. We had a big multi-generational Disney trip planned for the first Covid summer, and that finally happened this year. Probably our first and last time going with that many people, but it was nice for my kids to get to experience it with my parents, brother, etc., since typically vacations are just with our immediate family of four.

          Disney does wipe out our vacation budget for a while though, so otherwise we’ve kept it smaller and closer to home. I finally did the dune climb trail at Sleeping Bear Sand Dunes on the coast of Lake Michigan, which was strenuous but beautiful. Trying to get out to Hocking Hills in the fall, and squeezing in one more Lake Michigan weekend before school starts. Plus the occasional Cedar Point visit when we need a less expensive theme park fix!

        2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          I’m sure people have opinions on my Disney habit – I’m a child free early 40s woman living in the Midwest and I am also an annual pass holder to WDW, so I go three or four times a year, and usually without my husband :-P but if they do, they have the sense not to express those opinions to me :-P (Husband’s opinion, which is the closest to relevant, is that it’s my money, I have literally four times the PTO he does, he has crowd anxiety and leg problems, and he melts when the temperature hits 65, so he’s perfectly happy to stay home with the dogs and send me off to the house of mouse without him. He goes with me about once every other year and then we both remember why I usually go alone. :-P )

          1. Slightly Above Average Bear*

            I have a comment about your Disney habit. I love it! We’re APs in PA, but relocating to an hour away from Disney World.
            We had a Disneyland trip planned in 2020, but haven’t rescheduled yet. Tokyo parks are on my bucket list too. I figure with the money I save from not travelling to and staying in Orlando (although I will sometimes, because there are resorts I really enjoy) multiple times per year, I can cross some of the other parks off my list.

            1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

              I’ve half-joked about relocating, but see also, husband who melts when the temperature hits 65. :)

              I’m not sure that Indiana is actually any better there though – in fact, when I was at WDW over the Fourth of July weekend, he texted me, “I should’ve gone with you, it’s five degrees hotter here than it is there.” I said “yeah, but THERE, you’re inside in the a/c, not out walking around Epcot, and my ice cream is melting all over the place.” He was not sympathetic to my melting ice cream :)

    3. Hiker*

      All the Disney parks is on my list too. I keep thinking they’ll add another one before I get any more checked off my list.
      In 2019, my parents and siblings and I were starting to plan a trip to France, including Disney, for spring 2021. That, of course, has been put off for now.
      Instead, the kiddo, her aunt and uncle, and I checked a few more national parks off our list this summer as part of a 4,000-plus-mile epic road trip. We managed to survive without killing each other (my husband texted daily asking if he needed to pick us up at the airport nearest our home).
      My hiking boots, however, did not make the return trip. I should start a thread asking for boot recommendations, because I hate the looks of my usual go-to brands right now…
      As far as guilt, I spent three months this spring as the sole employee in my office due to one person being on medical leave and the other getting a new job. My two weeks off this summer is not guilt worthy.
      I’m also very open about my second job, which is janitorial work a few evenings a week, that I do solely to fund our travel. (“You, too, can travel like I do. You just have to clean public restrooms to do it!”) That attitude is kind of freeing, really. Despite a Catholic-school education, I’m not very susceptible to guilt. Maybe all those nuns guilted it out of me!

    4. Radical honesty*

      My husband and I travel quite a bit, we’ll have been to 3 counties by the end of this year (Italy, Costa Rica, Chile).

      We both make great money and are modest in other areas such as car, housing, clothes, and money out to eat. As another commenter said, I would never hang with someone who guilt trips me.

      Pandemic effed up travel but we went to Costa Rica in August 2021, and then halted until later in March 22. CR is so close to us, it’s easier and cheaper to travel there than most US cities I’d want to visit.

      Bucket list items:
      Argentina
      Brazil
      Greece
      Kenya or Tanzania to see the great migration
      Would love to revisit some of the countries I’ve already been, spend more time there and really get to know them.

    5. Square Root of Minus One*

      I’m not sure how long my list is… 20 to 30 maybe. And it’s eclectic because some are just countries or areas (Bolivia, Canada west, Hawaii), and some are plans (Cruise along the coasts of Norway, learn some Gaelic in Ireland, do that Namibia-Botswana-South Africa travel of that website)

      It’s going slowly but it’s moving. I usually go on a big trip every three to four years and an average (European) one once a year, though effectively there’s been a 3-year hiatus due to Covid and personal stuff.
      I tend to catch an occasion. Last January I checked off Dubaï, which wasn’t so high up the list but there was the Universal Expo and I’m so glad I spent 2 days there, it was the highlight of the trip.

      I do have self-induced guilt spending so much money on a couple of weeks, but then I remember those days are few and far between and leave long-lasting impressions on me, so it’s actually better spent than this unmemorable book or a barely passable restaurant right down the road.

    6. Ewesername*

      I love taking the train. It’s not the destination that matters, just the actual trip. I’m in the middle of Canada and here, getting on the train means you loose your cell / wifi service in spots, sometimes for days. It’s a great way to disconnect and relax.
      I had a trip planned on Amtrak that started in New York, went down the east coast, across the southern states, then back up to Seattle. The pandemic canceled it, so that’s back on the bucket list. I also would like to go across Australia by train.
      My parents are bad for laying on the guilt. They live in a different province, where if I want to take the train to them, it takes 3 days plus a day or two of layover to get there. I usually fly in to see them and train back. They get upset because it cuts into “their time”. Train trips here are also very expensive, so they see it as a waste of money. I’ve just learned to ignore it. The train trips represent a great mental health break.
      Train travel in Canada was restricted during the pandemic so VIA rail cut their schedule. During the first summer, when we were allowed to move around within our own province but not cross into another without quarantining, I was able to hop the train to Churchill MB. It was July, so the bears were out on the ice, but the whales were neat. It was a great trip!

      1. Elizabeth West*

        Trains are awesome. I’ve only ridden them in the UK. The US really missed the boat on expanding that network.

      2. Westsidestory*

        I hear you! I cherish the days I had time to Amtrak from the east coast to the west – it takes three days and I’ve done all three routes. I still have those images in my mind – the vast soy fields of Iowa eating up hours, waking in the middle of the night somewhere in (maybe) South Dakota, the strange beauty that is Utah, eagles diving along the Colorado River. The best part was being so inaccessible. Trains are a great mental health break. These days I often take a short trip to a suburban beach town, not too much actual time spent on the beach but I find the hour or so each way especially meditative. It puts me in a good place.
        You’ll be interested to know cross-Canada by rail is on MY bucket list. I want to see the Northern Lights.

      3. Cocafonix*

        Yessss, trains. My favourite train trip was in Sri Lanka. Through tea plantations, picturesque valleys and hills. The one through the spiral tunnels in BC is fantastic though nowadays it’s only a tourist train. I remember taking it as a child on CP rail. It’s indelibly inked in my memory.

      4. allathian*

        I love trains! My ears hate flying because my eustachian tubes are more or less constantly blocked (I hear a “crunch” every time I swallow).

        I’m in Finland, and I could take a train from Helsinki to Moscow, and another from Moscow to Beijing on the trans-Mongolian railway, but given the current political situation that’s not going to happen. The latter trip is very cheap, something like USD 300 for a 4,500 mile journey.

    7. WoodswomanWrites*

      I’ve daydreamed of taking a road trip for a couple of months to visit national parks around the country. I’ve visited those on the West Coast from the desert to as far north as Alaska but I’d love to revisit the Southwest canyon country and I’ve visited so few east of that region.

      Countries I want to visit for the natural landscapes are Iceland and the Patagonia region of Argentina. I’d love to visit South Africa both to see wildlife and to experience the culture and learn more about the Truth and Reconciliation Process after the end of apartheid. I’d love to ramble around Ireland just visiting places and people where I can hear traditional music. And I really want to go to the Kentucky Music Festival someday and take an intensive old-time banjo class.

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        I got so caught up in the bucket list part I didn’t address the rest of your questions. I have indeed made some of my bucket list trips happen such as when I got dropped off alone by a bush plane for a week alone in Wrangell St. Elias National Park in Alaska. Backpacking in New Zealand was another.

        No guilt whatsoever for spending time and money on travel. My friends have told me they admire that I travel alone. I’m fortunate that my family understands that visiting parks and wilderness is what most makes my heart sing, and they’re understanding when I allocate most of my vacation time from work for those trips and my family visits are shorter.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          I forgot to include New Zealand! I want to go full tourist and do all the LOTR locations, hahaha.

          1. Blomma*

            There’s a package tour one can take of all the filming locations and Weta. It’s at the top of my bucket list! Though it will be a long time before I can go because I probably would need three weeks off work and last I checked it was ~$4500 not including airfare for a single person.

    8. Ellis Bell*

      Is number 3 even a thing? That sounds so weird to me. Possibly it’s because I grew up in a port (travel is associated with being well acquainted with the world) and I’m in the UK (if you want any kind of sun, it’s well established that people have to go away for it). It’s seen as frugal to save money elsewhere SO you can travel. Like the only things more essential I can think of is literal survival, education, and.. no can’t think of anything else.

      1. Hlao-roo*

        I think travel guilt usually comes in two flavors of entitlement.

        First, if you live far away from friends/family, it’s the “you spent your vacation time and money to go to [location you’ve always wanted to go to] instead of traveling to visit us! How could you!”

        Second, it’s the “you spent your vacation time and money to go to [location you’ve always wanted to go to] instead of the annual [family/friend group vacation in a location you have no interest in]! How could you!”

        In the US, this is compounded by travel not being the only way to see the sun (for most parts of the US) and generally lower amounts of vacation time.

        1. Ellis Bell*

          Ahh, you have outlined this so clearly! I already knew the individual bits and pieces – The US has further distances, better climates, lower vacation times, the opportunity to live far away without emigration…but didn’t put the pieces together.

        2. Wanderluster*

          This is it exactly! I’m planning on spending the winter holidays traveling instead of visiting family this year and I anticipate 1. My sister skipped an annual family vacation this year and she got 2 from our parents… (she normally sees them twice a week…) A lot of reassuring from both her and me smoothed that over with the parents. I’m hoping sibling support will also smooth over my absence at the holidays.

    9. too hot go away*

      I saved every last cent in my 20’s & 30’s to travel – including things like almost never getting a cup of coffee (only $3, or whatever). In the end I spent 1 to 2 years travelling, with breaks. It was backpack-type travel (youth hostels), and actual backpacking (parks) or cycle touring (tenting or hostelling) and fancy cycle touring (hotels).

      it did put me behind, say, being able to buy a house/condo, both for spending the money and for two years out of work, travelling. It was totally worth it, though. I’m glad I did it when I was young, because I won’t be able to do it in retirement, due to physical issues.

      As for a bucket list: I’d love to live in the far north for 6-9 months or more: have the 24hrs daylight and night, just to experience the change. And see the aurora. There are many places in Europe I’d love to visit, or revisit: Portugal, Spain and France. I’ve never been to Japan, and I’d love to see more of Korea, especially down south. I’d eat my way through Argentina again.

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        What a wonderful journey, sounds fantastic! I hear you about the changes with physical issues over time. In my heart, I’d still love to go on solo wilderness adventures I had when I was younger but in reality, I know I don’t have that body anymore.

    10. UK_explorer*

      I like to travel a lot and have made it a priority even when I made a lot less than I do now (there have been times when it simply wasn’t an option, but whenever I have had near enough disposable income a chunk of it has gone towards travel). To answer your questions:

      1. I don’t have a an explicit bucket list but there are maybe 8-10 trips/places/experiences in the back of my mind at any given time as travel I would like to do. But there are very few places I would *not* like to go to so I guess my travel life list is “almost anywhere.” Unlike lots of other areas of my life I don’t treat travel as an achievement in any way. I don’t track countries visited or tick off experiences or anything like that. Its more one big exploration of the world, in my mind.

      2. For both pandemic and financial and dog reasons we have scaled back a lot on big trips recently. To get my “hit” I have been planning UK-based adventures. I live in the UK and these islands are a bucket list destimation for many people, so we are trying to explore them more fully. I am also lucky to get to travel internationally for work so that gives me a bit of an opportunity to explore, though honestly lots of that time is stuck in hotels.

      3. I have self induced guilt about flying, for environmental reasons. I don’t feel guilty about the money – we have made lots of sacrifices in other areas to prioritise this and I feel like that’s just good financial management- spend in accordance with your values and within your means, ya know? I think others have been surprised sometimes at how much we manage to travel but not judgy I dont think.

    11. UKDancer*

      I don’t have a definitive bucket list. There are a lot of places I want to go but I won’t cry if I don’t make it to all of them. Things have been slowed down by the pandemic as well as the war in Ukraine because I was planning to go to St Petersburg this year as well as revisiting Kyiv and Lviv. None of which is possible because I won’t go to Russia and can’t go to Ukraine.

      Places I’ve loved visiting the most have been Norway (I did the Northern lights, husky sleigh in the arctic and the post boat down), Budapest (because it’s just so musical and beautiful), and Lviv because I just fell in love with the people and the country. I also deeply loved the Maldives because it’s like nowhere else, the stars are so clear, the sea is so blue and warm and it’s captivating.

      Other places I’m wanting to visit are Buenos Aires (to dance tango), and Lausanne (to watch the Prix de Lausanne). I also really want to go to Poland next year for the Chopin festival and my mother wants me to go to Porto with her because she’s not been. I also want to do a wine tour around Georgia and Uzbekistan when things are a bit quieter in the vicinity of Russia. I went to Tbilisi on business pre-Covid and want to see Georgia properly.

      My immediate plans are for Germany in the autumn (because I always love being there), then somewhere warm in January to escape the English winter for a week.

      My family all think travel broadens the mind so the only grief I get is when I forget to send my old aunt a postcard. I don’t feel guilt but I do try and get the train rather than flying when I go in Europe because it’s better for the environment and I really enjoy sitting there and looking out of the windows.

      1. pancakes*

        I’d like to visit Georgia one day. We have a few Georgian restaurants here and the food is so, so good.

        1. UKDancer*

          Georgia is lovely. It’s really under-rated and tourists don’t tend to go which is a shame because it’s got a lot to offer. The food is really good and they make some pretty amazing wine that deserves to be more well known than it is. Tbilisi is pretty and safe to wander around. I didn’t get to stay long (because I was there for a conference) but it was a stunning place with a lot to recommend it. So I’d definitely recommend it if you can.

    12. RMNPgirl*

      In the next few years I’m wanting to check off my big overseas trips that I want to do and then I’ll focus on domestic (US) and Canada.
      1. Overseas – first is doing the trip to London I had scheduled in April 2020 that, of course, got cancelled. Not my first time there but I had an amazing trip planned so I’m hoping to do that in Spring 2023. Then for my upcoming 40th birthday will be a third (and probably final) trip to Australia and New Zealand. And then finally I want to go to Iceland. Domestic – lots of cities like NY, Boston, Chicago etc and then I would love to go to every US National Park.
      2. Nothing really checked off yet because of pandemic and some personal projects that took some money. Working on saving up now for London next year.
      3. I get no guilt because my parents are big travelers as well and I’m single with no kids. I guess I do get some guilt tripping from the cat! But from other humans in my life, everyone just thinks all the travel sounds great.

    13. Elizabeth West*

      I wish I could travel more; I either lack the money or the PTO, lol.

      1. What is on your travel life list/bucket list? How long is that list?
      It’s pretty long. I’ve got Iceland, Hawaii, Ukraine, and most of Europe (I have friends there I can visit). Also I’d love to go to Antarctica but only if I can do it responsibly. There are also lots of attractions scattered around the US and the world I’d like to see. I’m a museum nerd so the list contains a lot of museums, plus the Anne Frank house and Colonial Williamsburg. Also the Film Music Festival in Krakow. It happens every year and every year, my friends go and I miss it! >:(

      Disney World has never been on my list, but I would consider it if I didn’t have to go alone.

      2. How have you been doing on that? (The pandemic hasn’t helped, right?) What great trips have you checked off?
      Not great, due to lack of either money or time. Some of them were attractions. So far:
      -Yosemite Valley
      -the La Brea Tar Pits
      -Biosphere 2
      -Loch Ness (a HUGE bucket list item from childhood and concurrent with another item, riding on a train overnight)
      -Sea World (this happened during a big family reunion with my dad’s relatives in Texas, before the Blackfish documentary came out; I’m embarrassed about this one)
      -the Hollywood Bowl (twice, for John Williams)
      -Stonehenge, although I didn’t get to go near it
      -the Smithsonian National Museum of Natural History and the National Gallery in Washington, D.C. (a college choir trip enabled me to check this one off)
      -Royal Albert Hall (in 2015; some of my European friends and I went to see Titanic: Live. Mega cool, especially since James Horner AND James Cameron were there)

      3. Have you gotten a lot of guilting from family/friends about choosing to spend your vacation days/holidays/time/money/effort on travel? (Have you felt a lot of self-induced guilt?) How have you dealt with that?
      Not at all.

    14. Cataloging Librarian*

      I’ve been around the world on the MV Explorer (Semester at Sea), around the horn of South America, been to the Cape of Good Hope, through the Panama Canal, to Shang-hai and Hong Kong, Kyoto and Yokohama, the Falkland Islands, Egypt… I haven’t been traveling the past two and a half years — except this Feb. and March — I just couldn’t hold it in any more!! Those two months I was on the American Queen from Memphis to New Orleans, Walt Disney World in Orlando, and Las Vegas.

      What’s next? Well, I’ve never been to the Scandinavian countries, or Russia, Greenland, or Iceland. I would like to go to all the other Disney properties, see Paris, see Madrid, see Lisbon. I haven’t gone from Duluth, IA to St. Louis, MO on the riverboat yet. And I haven’t been to Maine or Baja California. I think I am addicted to seeing new places.

      1. UKDancer*

        If you like boat trips I recommend the Hurtigruten (post boat) down the coast of Norway. The views are stunning of the fjords.

        I went to Oslo then flew up to Kirkenes in the Arctic circle to spend a couple of days exploring on snow mobiles and husky drawn sleighs. Then I got the boat down to Bergen which was amazing and had some great views and stopped off in key places en route (Trondheim was my favourite). I also did a boat safari to see the sea eagles from a smaller boat which was really good. The food on the boat was not amazing but it was worth it for the scenery.

        1. Cataloging Librarian*

          I have a friend who took a boat up the north coast of Norway. Kind of like the coastal ferry in Alaska — it stopped at all these small towns. She loved it.

    15. Cocafonix*

      Hi, great question and so interesting to read the responses.
      Bucket List to do:
      – Japan… had to cancel bought plane tix twice. Once because we found the perfect house and twice pandemic.
      – Iceland. Getting checked off in 3 weeks, whee!
      – China and all its wonders (pandas too)
      – Arctic. Northern Canada but Scandinavia too
      – More Africa. Morocco, South Africa
      – Russia and the Baltics- that might take a bit
      Bucket List done:
      – Antarctica
      – Tanzania, Ethiopia
      – Most of Europe, incl language lessons
      -Galapagos, Peru, Ecuador and more language lessons
      – Belize and the blue hole
      – canyon touring USA
      – Australia, NZ – Great Barrier Reef a highlight
      – south Asia for months; India, Sri Lanka, Maldives, Cambodia, Singapore, Thailand, Malaysia, Laos, Vietnam, Hong Kong

      1. Cocafonix*

        Also, I always wanted to take a year off and start in Alaska early summer, drive all down the west coast through to Baha C then meandering back across the lower states, Florida all through winter, then make my way back up the eastern states through the Carolinas, Rhode Island, Canada maritimes in spring, then driving back home on the west coast late summer.

        I’ve travelled a lot over Christmas or family holidays. Got some grumbling as a young adult, but setting expectations is key and everyone now thinks it a pleasant surprise when we plan to show up. When we do, we are present and glad to be there. Mostly family just want you to be happy.

    16. Cheezmouser*

      Husband and I did most of our A-list travel destinations in my late 20s/early 30s before we started a family. We tend to country hop, so we stay in each spot just long enough to get a taste for that destination before moving on to the next. So far we’ve done:

      Lisbon-Barcelona-Mallorca-Ibiza-London-Ireland

      Greece (Crete, Santorini, Mykonos, Athens)

      Taipei-Hong Kong-Beijing-Seoul-Tokyo

      Brazil during 2014 World Cup (Rio, Natal, Recife)

      Singapore-Bali-Sydney-Hamilton Island-Queenstown-Auckland-Bora Bora

      No, we don’t feel guilty at all because we play the points-and-miles game to bring down the cost of our trips. The big Asia trip above was 18 days, and we used hotel points and airline miles to cover all the flights and lodging. Our only out of pocket costs were food, souvenirs, and ground transportation. I think it was $2400 total per person for that trip, and that includes a $375 sushi dinner and first class flight back from Tokyo. We never pay full price for travel anymore.

    17. NoIWontFixYourComputer*

      * All the major league ballparks
      * Every extant Mercury, Gemini, and Apollo Spacecraft. All four remaining Space Shuttles (just need Enterprise).
      * Israel
      * Antartica

  5. ThatGirl*

    For the partnered or those with roommates, kids, whatever – what do you do with your alone time? When you have no one else to answer to for a night or a weekend, how do you spend that time? My go tos are Thai food and Netflix – eating and watching things my husband isn’t fond of.

    1. Excited Law Student*

      This is a little silly, but honestly, sometimes I like to lay in bed and just zone out for a while. Or else – dance around my room like a crazy rock star (since no one is around to judge my moves!)

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I make a to-do list, length varying based on how much time I have, of projects that will make me happier to have done (examples: fill and drop off a box of donations, organize at least five cube sections in my office shelves, vacuum the stairs, put up the art that’s been languishing in the closet, get a pedicure, eat some ice cream, etc). Then I do the list, and after the list is done, I get takeout and watch trashy murder tv on my couch with my dogs. (Though the last of that is what I do whether everyone else is home anyway. It’s the project accomplishments that I enjoy about my husband-is-traveling weeks.)

      1. ThatGirl*

        When I have longer stretches I do things like this too – tackle projects, do fun self-care, etc.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          I don’t know why but it’s so much easier to do stuff like that when nobody else is around!

    3. talos*

      Back when I had roommates, what I enjoyed about being home alone was the ability to get on discord with my out-of-town friends without worrying about making noise.

    4. Ginger Pet Lady*

      I eat foods I like but my partner doesn’t, too! I eat my meals when I’m hungry, not at any scheduled time. And go to bed when I feel like it and get up when I feel like it and play music as loud as I want. Which isn’t terribly loud, but I don’t have to worry about if my husband is watching TV in the other room or something.
      When we still had kids at home I’d clean up as soon as everyone left so that it would actually STAY clean for a bit. Now that we are empty nesters that’s not as big of a deal to me because it does stay cleaner longer without kids dumping stuff every time they turn around.

    5. Dark Macadamia*

      I love hiking by myself, so I can go at my own pace (kids are fun but they are SLOW and need so many snacks). When I have the house to myself I like to work on projects that tend to be difficult when there are interruptions around.

    6. Missb*

      Our kids are all grown up now but from the time the oldest was 5, Dh and his best friend would take both kids on a bicycle trip each year. Usually these were 2 week trips.

      I would always do a home improvement project while they were gone. We had a fixer upper so it was easy to pick a room and a project. When they returned home, the kids would race around the house and try to identify the change.

      The only time I stumped them is when I did the back porch. It’s an enclosed back porch but it’s exterior to the house. Someone had painted it dark green and I painted it to match the exterior, installed hooks to hang coats, updated the light fixture, painted the floor etc.

      Dh is going on a bike trip this year and it happens to be while our first floor is completely cleared out so I’m taking the time to paint all the walls.

    7. Mid*

      For people who have been put under for surgery, what was it like? I’ve realized that I’m really nervous about that part. Even when I had my wisdom teeth removed, I only had Novocain, so I was awake the whole time.

      1. BooklovinRN*

        I have been an operating room nurse for almost 30 years. The best advice I have is talk to your surgical team about your nerves. They are there to answer your questions and help you feel and be safe. If any direct blood relatives have had surgery or procedures done with anesthesia ask them how they did-nauseous, no problems, etc., sometimes we have similar experiences during medical procedures.

        One minute you are awake. The next asleep. I have woken back up when moved back to the stretcher or the head portion of the bed is lifted. Usually groggy and smiley. I get PONV (post-operative nausea and vomiting) due to inner ear issues. I also get motion sick easily – always have. There are medications before and afterwards that they can give you that help tremendously.

        Good luck!

      2. heather*

        I had surgery recently and honestly, I found the anesthesia pleasant. It felt exactly like getting sleepy and falling asleep— so what I mean is, it didn’t make me feel high or woozy or weird. One minute I was talking to the anesthetist and then I thought “Ooh I’m sleeepy I want to take a nap” and that was it! Then I woke up after.

      3. Lilo*

        So it’s different for everyone (the longer you’re under, the harder the wakeup), but for me I couldn’t remember a lot. They told me to count down from 10 and I remember getting to 8.

        The experience of waking up for me was very slow. For the next day I remember feeling like I was very heavy. I’ve personally never done well with opioids (to the point I try to get along without them unless absolutely necessary) so I did have some trouble thinking during the recovery period. I did feel sick to my stomach.

      4. fueled by coffee*

        I’ve had general anesthesia administered by IV (so not a mask over my face). Was super nervous about it beforehand, but like BooklovinRN says, you’re awake and then you’re asleep. It did not feel like falling asleep, just suddenly I was waking back up.

        Afterwards, I felt groggy and a little dizzy, but that passed within a couple hours.

      5. The Other Dawn*

        I’ve never experienced it the way you see it on TV or in a movie, where they tell you to count backwards. It’s more like awake and talking one minute, then awake and rolling through the hallways to recovery the next.

        For a few surgeries, I was on the operating table just talking to the medical staff and looking around. I remember for my weight loss surgery they turned on the stereo in the OR and were very chatty with each other and smiling, laughing a lot. They seemed to enjoy working together. They put the mask on me, I felt like I was drifting off, and then I was awake and it was all over.

        For my two back surgeries in 2020, I was on the stretcher sitting upright, not on the table yet. I was talking A LOT because I was really nervous (for the first one, anyway). Next thing I knew I was in recovery. For the second surgery two weeks later, I wasn’t nervous but still had uncontrollable trembling for some reason. They must have given me something to calm me because then I was just talking–again, A LOT–to the nurse. We were talking real estate. Then all of a sudden I was in recovery again.

      6. Irish Teacher*

        For me, the time under…wasn’t really like anything. I was just being careful about getting up on the bed/trolley, ’cause I’ve a horror of heights and my focus was on how high it would be, then I woke up and the doctor was telling me all had gone well. Oh, and the first thing I did was lifted each of my arms above my head because I’d been told that there was a very slight possibility my ability to do so could be affected by the operation itself.

        I was quite sick for about 12 hours after the operation, which I had been told to expect as I get travel sick and apparently if you get travel sick, there is a good chance an anaesthetic will affect you in the same way.

      8. Westsidestory*

        My brother had the best advice: “just imagine you are taking a plane ride to a nice place. Close your eyes and enjoy the ride.”

        Honestly once they ask you to start counting back from ten, you will nearly make it to five.

        1. pancakes*

          This sounds about right. I’ve been under 6 times and I have no idea what number I dropped out at during any of them. It always makes me nervous, of course, but it’s always gone fine.

          If you wear contacts they’ll have you take them out beforehand, and I think it’s been helpful for me to not be able to see anything in ORs too clearly!

    8. heather*

      My son (11) is at summer camp right now. My husband just left on a business trip for SEVEN days. It’s a bit much. I love having the house to myself for a day or two, but— a week?? I’ve been cleaning out closets and re-painting trim.

    9. Cookies For Breakfast*

      I don’t do very well with home alone time, especially when there are multiple nights I have to sleep alone (the silent stretch of evening between dinner and bedtime is the worst, no matter how many podcasts or sitcoms I fill it with). My job is 99% remote, so at the end of a work day, I find myself craving face to face company. I have solo hobbies I wish I could find more energy for, but they’re mostly computer-based and I try to keep my spare time screen-free these days. Good for mental health, not as good for creativity.

      If I can, I try to attend social sessions for the sport I practice, or invite a friend to visit for the weekend, but dates don’t always line up. Or I find an art exhibition to take myself to, and make a small adventure of it (stopping for coffee, taking a long walk in the city or in a park).

      Seconding the cooking of food my partner doesn’t like, though. That’s the most fun part! I even don’t mind doing the food shopping for it, which usually feels like a massive chore.

    10. St. Mary’s Institute of Historical Research*

      Are we the same person? Because Thai food and Netflix guilty pleasures are *exactly* what I do on my rare evenings alone!

    11. WellRed*

      When my roommates aren’t around, like last weekend, I love that I don’t have to immediately clean up after myself.

    12. OTGW*

      I mostly play the sims and watch youtube videos that I want to watch. I’ll read if I’m in the mood for it, either books or fanfic. Sometimes I’ll clean, which is what I’ll do today as my spouse is at work.

    13. Henry Division*

      Ideally a day alone is spent writing outside at a cafe for a few hours and then a nice solo bike ride, followed by video games or reading in the evening. Things that I could do with my partner but he doesn’t always like to.

  6. Ask a Manager* Post author

    People who’ve been having issues with the collapse-all-comments feature not working (not staying collapsed) or the page reloading on its own: Has it still been happening in the last few days or has it stopped? (It’s only affecting a small portion of users which makes it hard to recreate, as well as hard to know when it’s fixed.)

    2. M*

      This used to happen to me a lot and I realized it was my ad blocker. Once I turned that off it started working fine. Though when reading on mobile the comment box often comes up as if I’ve tapped to comment, when I don’t think I have

      1. Ella Kate (UK)*

        I’ve had that issue on mobile a lot recently too. At first I thought it was just me fat-fingering it but its happened when I’ve been nowhere near the comment link.

        (Chrome on Samsung)

    4. WoodswomanWrites*

      I had given up on making it work so I hadn’t selected that option for a while. I just tried setting the collapse-all-comments feature again. It’s working fine. Thanks!

    5. BEC*

      It only happens to me when I’m browsing in private/incognito mode, which makes sense since it’s not saving the cookie installed when I selected ‘collapse’.

    6. Sc@rlettNZ*

      I switched to using Edge to read the site.
      But I noticed a couple of days ago that Chrome has gone back to collapsing all correctly.

      1. Ask a Manager* Post author

        Just to check, do you have the box at the top checked for “Set collapse all as default site-wide”? (If you do, it’s misbehaving and that is good for me to know. But if you had just collapsed them without saying to do it site-wide, that’s why; it’ll reset when you reload the page.)

        If you do have that box checked, can you tell me what browser and device you were using when it happened?

        1. AnonAgain*

          Did not have it checked. Just checked it, reloaded webpage. Posting this as a test, will be back with results.

        2. Happy Thursday-Yay!!!*

          I checked the box and reload to get to take effect (won’t work unless I reload). Works for while I have that tab open (safari on iPhone). Doesn’t stay checked when I close the browser and open the site anew.

          1. Ask a Manager* Post author

            Interesting. It’s based on cookies. Any chance you have that browser set not to allow cookies? That’s the only thing I can think of that would explain that particular behavior!

    10. Jean (just Jean)*

      Slightly different issue: I posted a reply with links to HannahS’s question. My reply went into moderation (because links) then appeared in its own individual “nest.” Did I do something incorrectly or is this a currently-happening quirk? FYI or ignore. It’s not a drop-everything-else level of problem. :-)

    12. Kathenus*

      I had still been having problems with this for a while, and as M mentioned they got better when I removed the ad blocker a couple of weeks ago – but I have other issues when the ad blocker is off that are annoying in a different way. But after seeing your message/question, I put the ad blocker back on and have been trying on and off all day and so far so good – no issues! Thanks for continuing to work through this problem.

    13. Ampersand*

      I’m having the reloading issue less often, but it’s still happening as of today. I haven’t had a problem today with comments not staying collapsed

    14. Former manager*

      It happened to me yesterday. Honestly a pretty minor annoyance on an otherwise very easy to read site.

    15. Books and Cooks*

      I hadn’t realized that was a common issue! I thought it was just me/my laptop needing an update. It hasn’t happened to me in several days at least.

  7. Paralegal Part Deux*

    Anyone have any good sci-fi/fantasy book recommendations? I need a good series to sink my teeth into and haven’t found anything so far. I love Orson Scott Card, Terry Brooks, Alan Dean Foster, etc.

    1. Chris_NZ*

      Lois McMaster Bujold has a great Sci Fi series (often called the Vorkosigan saga) and several great Fantasy novels in effectively two series – the World of the Five Gods, and the Sharing Knife quadrology (if that’s a word).

      John Scalzi has written several series, and standalone novels, and is well worth trying too.

      1. BooklovinRN*

        LMB is one of my favorites. Her Penric books are good as well – alternative Earth with lots of magic. Her relationship building is superb.

        1. Nitpicker*

          I second (or third) this. I love the Vorkosigan books and I adore Penric! What makes her books so good is that they are character driven – not always the case in SF and fantasy.

      2. Drago Cucina*

        LMB is one of my favorites. I rarely read romance, but Shards of Honor is my Sci-Fi with just enough romance, comfort book.

    2. CatCat*

      The City of Brass and it’s two sequels are the best fantasy books I’ve read in a long time. Fantastic and complex world building. Set in a magical middle eastern city.

    3. Hlao-roo*

      I read and enjoyed The Poseidon’s Children trilogy by Alastair Reynolds. The books are Blue Remembered Earth, On the Steel Breeze, and Poseidon’s Wake. I’ve also read a few of his stand-alone novels and liked those too.

    4. St. Mary’s Institute of Historical Research*

      I am always surprised that John Varley and his “Eight Worlds” stories aren’t more popular. It’s a handful of novels and many, many short stories – not intended as a series that has to be read in order, but just as a loosely connected group of stories. Aliens have taken over Earth and kicked humans out, leaving us to try to survive as best we can in the rest of the Solar System. I recommend starting with the novel “Steel Beach” and then exploring some of the short stories from there!

    5. Lilo*

      Any specific criteria?

      Some completed series:

      Old Man’s War – Scalzi
      Expanse Series – SA Corey
      The Wayfarers Series – Becky Chambers
      The Magicians Trilogy – Lev Grossman
      Temeraire Series – Naomi Novik

      1. Paralegal Part Deux*

        I’ll try anything, tbh. If it gets recommended, I’ll give it a shot. I’m not overly picky.

    6. YNWA*

      Marianne de Pierres has a couple of great series, one more woman action adventure (Parish Plessis) and the other space opera (Sentients of Orion).

      You could also try William Gibson’s Blue Ant series, Bridge Series, or Sprawl Series. I really dig the Blue Ant series.

      I always recommend the Remembrance of Earth’s Past series by Cixin Liu. Strange and beautiful

      John Scalzi’s Old Man’s War series is phenomenal. Funny, poignant, really well written

    7. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Fantasy: if urban fantasy counts, Seanan McGuire’s October Daye books (first one is Rosemary and Rue) are excellent and there’s currently … 14? With another due out in a couple of months. Her InCryptid series is also excellent (first book Discount Armageddon) and almost as long and also ongoing. (The woman is amazingly prolific.) Also her Wayward Children series, portal fantasy about children going through doors – I can’t summarize this one but it’s beautiful, as well as being extremely representative across the queer spectrum (including ace which is kinda rare).

      Otherwise, I really enjoyed Marie Brennan’s A Natural History of Dragons series, which is written as the memoirs of a bluestocking noblewoman in a world that’s not high fantasy, but steampunk-y and has dragons.

      Sci Fi: the Murderbot books, anything by Andy Weir (though those aren’t a series), John Scalzi’s Lock-In books, Mira Grant’s mermaid books and also her Newsflesh series (though this series is sci-fi while also being a political action thriller set just after a zombie apocalypse- I know it sounds wacky but it WORKS, but if you’re not feeling political thriller or pandemic-induced zombie apocalypse, maybe hold off.) (Mira Grant is Seanan McGuire under a pen name. I told you she’s prolific.)

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I also love Harry Turtledove’s Worldwar series, first book In the Balance – it’s an alt history of WWII where the war is interrupted by an alien invasion. Very sci-fi, but also Turtledove is a military historian so also very military and there’s a lot of real people from history in it. May or may not be your thing.

      3. Rage*

        Seconding Red Reader’s Sci-Fi suggestion for the Murderbot Diaries. They’re by Martha Wells and they are fan-freaking-tastic. Probably my favorite series currently. Most of them are novellas, so you’ll get a good, quick story.

        And since Martha is probably my current favorite author, I’ll recommend her fantasy series “The Books of the Raksura”.

    8. GoryDetails*

      An oldie but a goodie: James White’s “Sector General” series, a mix of short stories and novels set in the same ‘verse and centered around a hospital that embraces the extreme diversity of lifeforms in both patients and staff. (It’s a loosely-linked series; there’s some enjoyment to be had from reading the books in order but they also stand on their own pretty well.)

      My current favorite fantasy series is Seanan McGuire’s “Wayward Children”, starting with EVERY HEART A DOORWAY, about kids who’ve gone through magical portals to other worlds and come back again – not always willingly. Lots of lovely, sometimes poignant, occasionally heart-wrenching riffs on that kind of story and on the feeling of being in the wrong world/life/skin.

    9. Nitpicker*

      Another interesting writer is MCA Hogarth. As is often the case, she has created a fascinating and complex world and has written many interlocking stories. Her characters and relationships have depth and individuality and develop and grow within the series.

    10. Falling Diphthong*

      Sci Fi: The Murderbot Diaries is a favorite here for a reason. A security unit hacks its AI so it doesn’t have to obey orders, but rather than go on a killing spree decides to watch the Netflix back catalogue.

      Fantasy: The Scholomance, which I am rereading for, I dunno, the 10th time? It’s a magical boarding high school where the students are constantly attacked by monsters, but that’s treated as really stressful. The only reason to attend is that you’re even more likely to die in the outside world, so you take your chances on coming of age inside an isolated fortress that blocks most of the monsters trying to eat you. The description of how you routinely check your desk for monsters before sitting down, make sure to stretch between chapters so you can react fast, etc, really captures the stress of being an outsider in high school. The story has layers of metaphor for actual school and exploration of privilege, but it works gangbusters as just “What if you were stuck in a place where monsters regularly jump out and try to eat you? And had to figure out how to survive for four years? What would you do? What would those around you do?”

      1. Lilo*

        I believe the third one is out in few weeks too.

        Novik is a really interesting author because her stuff is pretty varied within fantasy. The tone and feel of her books differ from series to series. Scholomance is much snarkier than her Temeraire series (alternative history around the time of Napoleon). And Uprooted/Spinning Silver are more classic fantasy romances, very evocative of Robin McKinley.

    11. The Person from the Resume*

      The Steerswoman is a 1989 science fiction novel by Rosemary Kirstein. There are 3 more books in the series. It appears to be fantasy until the end of book 1 and the setting is an age that is just beginning to gain technology and advancement. The main characters are women and women are driving the plot and bring the heroes with help from the occasional boy or man.

      A Steerswoman is a traveling scholar (field researcher and map maker) looking to supplement as well as share her knowledge. They are required to answer any question put to them by anyone and in turn, any question they ask must be answered truthfully, or the questioner will be placed under a ban where no Steerswoman will ever answer a question from them again.

      There can be male Steersman, but it’s traditionally a woman’s role so much that most people of the world don’t know that there are Steersmen. There’s one comment/joke (only one) that being a Steerswoman (scholar, scientist, researcher) is not suited to the male personality / macho attitudes.

      1. Reba*

        A fellow Steerswoman fan! Hello!!

        My other go-to rec’s these days are the “Terra Ignota” books by Ada Palmer, and the “Ancillary” series by Anne Leckie.

        1. The Person from the Resume*

          Hello! I actually just read the Steerswoman series for the first time within the last 2 years. Glad I didn’t miss it.

    12. AnonAcademic*

      In the fantasy category, I love the Graceling series by Kristin Cashore – very fast-paced but also a really deft look at how people process trauma. Looks like the fifth book will come out any day now!

    13. Annie Edison*

      The Broken Earth trilogy by NK Jemisin is one of my favorite things I’ve read in a long time. The first 50 or so pages are slow going so it took a bit to get into it. But once I did, I basically couldn’t stop and binged the entire trilogy

      2. RosyGlasses*

        Second this – excellent writing but it did take me a couple of tries to get into the book.

    14. OTGW*

      I always recommend Sharon Shinn’s Mystic and Rider series. It has the best characterization, found family, amazing world building. And it’s complete! I’ve also been enjoying Brandon Sanderson’s The Way of King series. He has four books done, with number five (5) coming out next fall I think. Each of those books are like 1k pages, so plenty of time to read.

      1. Book the Wink*

        *high fives you* I love that series SO MUCH. I also really enjoyed her Elemental series from he mid 2010’s.

    15. KoiFeeder*

      I’ve gotten into the Darwath series recently. It’s a lot of fun! Mystery of Ireta by Anne McCaffrey or the Elemental Masters series by Mercedes Lackey are also good. I like McCaffrey’s Dragonriders of Pern and Lackey’s Valdemar series, but Pern shows its age as do the earlier entries in the Valdemar series, so I can’t really recommend them without a caution warning (though if you like OSC that probably won’t be a problem for you).

    16. The OG Sleepless*

      Charles Sheffield was an underappreciated writer. His Beltwar series is one of my favorites.

      Dan Simmons’ Hyperion/The Fall of Hyperion and Endymion/The Rise of Endymion are excellent, but long. The Fall of Hyperion in particular is long and very dense; I had to put it down and pick it back up repeatedly over the course of a year. But so worth it.

      As a single novel, Greg Bear’s Moving Mars.

    17. Analyst Editor*

      Here are a few I only read because we read them in a class focused on scifi and fantasy, but we’ll worth it.
      Alfred Bester’s books (Demolished Man, The Star My Destination) make you think, if nothing else.
      Also, A Canticle for Leibowitz. Also makes you think.

      1. science fiction recommendations*

        Ha, I love that we recommended Canticle for Leibowitz at the same time. I have two degrees in literature, and Canticle might just be my favorite book. I read it anytime I’m feeling particularly discouraged about the state of the world.

        1. Seeking second childhood*

          All on my top list. (TV sf fans there’s a reason the name of Babylon 5’s psy-cop is Bester!)

    18. science fiction recommendations*

      A few recs I haven’t seen here yet. No particular order, vary from serious to pretty light; the only criteria for including them I that I liked them, e.g. four or five stars.

      Under Fortunate Stars; Ren Hutchings
      Canticle for Leibowitz; Walter M. Miller
      Xenogenesis; Ocatvia Butler
      A Memory Called Empire ( & its sequel, A Desolation Called Peace), Arkady Martine
      A Fire Upon the Deep, Vernor Vinge
      Four Roads Cross, Max Gladstone
      The Book of Strange New Things, Michael Faber
      Black Sun, Rebecca Roanhorse

    19. Nessun*

      The Otherland series by Tad Williams – mixes sci-fi and fantasy by using a setting of near-future tech immersive VR world. The first is City of Golden Shadow, and there are four books total (long books, big cast, lots happening). I re-read them every few years because I just love the whole series.

    20. Dancing Otter*

      Wen Spencer – mostly fantasy, but not entirely; there’s usually some root cause hand-waving, but nothing hard science. I especially liked “A Brother’s Price”, but it’s a stand-alone. The Elfhome series starts with “Tinker”, and I lost count around six, maybe, with some short stories besides.
      There are easily a dozen volumes in the Liaden Universe series, depending how you count the collections of short fiction. Authors are Sharon Lee and Steve Miller.
      The Heirs of Alexandria series by Mercedes Lackey and various collaborators starts with “The Shadow of the Lion”, set in an alternate Venice where magic and magical creatures are real, and the great library was not destroyed. It’s not strictly sequential, as characters from the first book go off in different geographic and plot directions.
      I’d check Baen Books’ website first for all these authors. They sell DRM-free ebooks in every format I’ve ever heard of (some titles are free), and they are NOT owned by Amazon.

    21. Smol Book Wizard*

      It’s not exactly a series, but Katherine Addison’s book The Goblin Emperor and its two companion books (Speaker for the Dead and The Grief of Stones) are very fine stuff. It’s dense and quiet and full of realistic characterization and the occasional flash of action. I haven’t read the newest yet, it’s fresh.
      I’ve read the first book of Dune, and found that while it’s a product of its time, it’s a far better product of its time than many others (translation: I cannot abide Robert Heinlein). I enjoy the vibes, although the characterization has its stutters in my opinion. There’s certainly a lot of them in the series!

    23. Gnome*

      My favorite fantasy series is the Codex Alera by Jim Butcher. The first few pages of the first book were horrible – just boring – but the rest of the series made up for it. The first book is also my least favorite, FWIW. I have read the series at least three or four times in the last 12 years.

      Same author, completely different series: Dresden Files. Takes place in Chicago mostly and has a crime-solving basis (to start at least).
      Characters are fairly complex and well developed… Mind, the story arc is something like 30 books and the author is somewhere around number #19.

      1. RosyGlasses*

        I really enjoyed the Dresden Files! Such a fun character to follow with a dose of dry wit, curmudgeonly wizardry and what-the-hell decision making.

      2. Flash Packet*

        I “knew” Jim Butcher back when he was writing in his spare time and working full-time as a tech support person answering calls from clueless computer users. We were in the same Laurell K Hamilton Yahoo fan group. I — along with many others in that group — proofread some of his early Dresden drafts.

        I helped catch a continuity error in a scene where Harry is handcuffed behind his back one minute but then is scrambling up out of a ditch by sinking his fingers into the dirt as he climbs the next minute.

        I’m so happy that he has made it to the Big Time as an author. :-)

        1. Gnome*

          I’m thinking that was the one with the loup-garu? (forgive my spelling if I got it wrong from memory)

    24. Mephyle*

      I just got introduced to Rainbow Rowell’s Simon Snow series. I recommend starting with Fangirl so you see where the series is coming from (as well as being excellent in its own right), followed by the three Simon Snow books, starting with Carry On. It’s like an ode to Harry Potter fan fiction (yet can be appreciated by someone who has never been into fanfic: me) but takes it beyond Harry Potter territory with the complex development of broken yet valiant heroes and heroines.

    25. Henry Division*

      My book club went through a Space Opera phase, but my favorite by far was the Imperial Radch Trilogy by Ann Leckie. First book is Ancillary Justice.

    26. NoIWontFixYourComputer*

      For space opera, I recommend the Honor Harrington series. It’s kind of massive, but I thought it was worth it.

      For fantasy, I recommend David Weber’s War God series. Just reread it recently. And for light reading, I’m going through some teen stuff, mostly Rick Riordan.

      1. Silence*

        The first dozen books are great but have given up on his recent work as he needs an editor unafraid of telling him to get to the point

  8. Hiker*

    Looking for hiking boot recommendations. My last ones lasted for almost 10 years, but finally gave out on mile 21 of 22 in a national forest a couple of weeks ago. I’ve been looking for new ones and coming up empty. I used to swear by the LL Bean Trail Model boots, but I don’t like the way they look right now (because clearly looks are the most important thing when choosing hiking boots). The two different colors in the same boot are bothering me, for some reason. I don’t mind two shades of the same color, but that’s it.
    I prefer waterproof, and I do some cold-weather hiking, although I try to avoid hiking in snow. Most of my vacation hiking is in hot weather, actually.
    I don’t think I can afford full leather, although I love a good sale so I won’t say never. I’ve checked REI, LL Bean, Lands End, Columbia, and a few others.
    I also definitely want boots, not shoes. My ankles don’t like my hobbies!
    Any suggestions/recommendations?

    1. Captain Vegetable (Crunch Crunch Crunch)*

      I don’t know about their hiking boots, but I have a pair of Ariat steel-toe boots that are incredibly comfortable and have stood up well over time.

      1. Pippa K*

        I have a pair of Ariat hiking-riding combo boots (style name “Terrain”) I really like. They’re basically a hiking boot with a stirrup-friendly heel, like a riding boot. Half my boots are Ariat because they’re at that sweet spot of comfortable/durable/not expensive.

        I also like Merrells for hiking, and they’re usually not hard to find on sale somewhere.

    2. Ginger Pet Lady*

      Vasques are pretty good and held up well. I’ve had some Keens I liked, too, but they were more expensive.

      1. Chauncy Gardener*

        Came here to give a huge plug for Vasques. My feet and ankles like them a lot and they last a long time

    4. Bluebell*

      Three years ago when I had a summer trip to Iceland I bought Merrill’s, and was very happy with them. They’ve mostly been in my closet since then, though!

      1. Jackalope*

        I too have had good experience with Merrill’s, and I’m also someone with ankles who dislike the hiking hobby. They gave good ankle support and my feet adjusted to them – and they adjusted to my feet – fairly quickly.

      2. I need coffee before I can make coffee*

        Seconding the Merrell recommendation. Waterproof, comfortable, and rugged. It’s used by the military. Wife and I both have them. Don’t know about what color choices there are.

      3. Elizabeth West*

        I have some, but they’re a bit stiff. Also not as much arch support as I would like as I have ridiculously high arches, like Barbie doll feet.

    5. I take tea*

      I’ve had Mindl for years and years, as have my partner, and they are really durable. Plus for being a bit broader, if you don’t have slim feet.

    6. Dumpster Fire*

      I love my Asolo boots; great ankle support, nice and snug around the foot but with a roomy toe box.

      1. k12 teacher*

        Yes Asolo! They’re pricey but best boots I’ve ever had. Mammuts are slightly cheaper and also pretty great. Either one will last a very long time!

    7. Snow Globe*

      I’ve found Keens to be both sturdy and comfy, as they are a little wider in the toes than some other brands.

    8. Hiker*

      Thank you all! I appreciate the recommendations, and will be doing some serious shopping this weekend.

    9. Generic Name*

      I’ve had my pair of Oboz hiking shoes (they make boot style ones too) for years, and they get heavy use.

    10. BookMom*

      I second Oboz. However, I think the main thing is going to a sporting goods store and trying them on! You’ll know when it feels right. I like Scheels and Bass Pro Shop here in the Midwest for excellent hiking boot selection and knowledgeable sales staff.

    11. Boot shopping is stressful*

      All the brands mentioned are great, but it really is about what works for your feet. I know that Vasque is a great brand and many friends swear by them…but they don’t fit my wonky feet so I’d never be able to wear them. Best option is to go somewhere and try on different styles. I currently have a nice pair of Lowa boots, but they were pricey. I’ve had good luck with Keen and Solomon as well (though my Keens tend to be lighter/less sturdy).

      I will, however, make a recommendation on WHERE to buy. If possible, get them from REI. They have a fantastic return policy if the boots don’t work out — if you’re a member, you have an entire YEAR to return them. Non-members I think is 90 days. And you CAN actually wear them out on hikes and still return within that timeframe.

      I buy almost all my shoes from REI for this reason. Walking around in a carpeted store, or at home for a few days, doesn’t tell me how the boots will feel on the trail. Most stores won’t take back shoes that have been worn outside, but wearing them outside is the only way I’ve found to figure out if they will work for me. (I find shoe shopping stressful, I have terrible feet and all too often, it feels great in the store but hurts once I’m out in the real world).

      A week or so ago, my partner returned a pair of boots that were close to $200. We bought them last September. She wore them on several hikes, although they weren’t trashed or anything. Realized they were hurting her feet. Full refund.

      1. Generic Name*

        I agree with both points above. In my area, all the “cool kids” wear Chacos sandals. I bought a pair and they hurt my feet. I got arch pain within 20 minutes of wearing them. I wore them about 5 times before I decided I couldn’t wear them. Fortunately, I had purchased them at rei and they refunded me, no questions asked.

      2. eeeek*

        This, 100% this. REI actually trains the people who work in the footwear department, and some are boot fitting specialists. (A good friend of mine used to manage and train for REI – to say she cultivated a passion is an understatement!) The key thing is to go at a time of day when you’re likely to have time and get the attention you need. Saturday afternoon during a big sale is not a great time to try on boots. They can also make recommendations about things like pronation (it’s not just for runners!) and stride/hiking style.
        Editorializing on a related pet peeve: I have known people who take a lot of time and work with a team member, then go away to buy the footwear they settled on somewhere else. That’s cheesy, not clever. Buying from the place that took the time pays the wage of the person who took the time, yanno? Don’t be that guy. (Ex who never worked retail because it was “beneath” him, I’m lookin’ at you.)

    12. Ampersand*

      Keen’s waterproof hiking boots. I love mine and have had the same pair for almost 10 years now. And they’re equally good for snow/ice. They’ve actually been a lifesaver a few times for me, like when it’s snowed in Texas and I needed shoes I wouldn’t slip in. Highly recommend!

    13. pancakes*

      My LL Bean ones are still going strong and I can’t quite justify replacing them, but there are a couple styles by Danner I’ve been eyeing.

    14. beentheredonethat*

      I love my Under Armour hiking boots. This is the closest I could find on Amazon. Under Armour Women’s Micro G Valsetz Lthr Wp Hiking Bootr Armour.
      Also socks make a huge difference, don’t laugh to much but check out the left /right socks

    15. Esmeralda*

      Lowa. I need a boot w good ankle support. I get them at REI— they’re widely available tho.

      Comfortable, good support, last well, easy to put stabilicers on them. When they die, I continue to use them for yard work.

      1. Lizabeth*

        Second the Lowa! Did a test hike with a pair before buying. Nearby the AT there was a place that you could demo. Incredibly light plus the other half wore them for his slot canyon hike (non Gortex) and came out impressed.

    16. Idyllic Gulag*

      Haven’t seen Danner mentioned yet. I’ve had a pair of Mountain 600’s for years and they’ve held up well. Waterproof, insulated, and very comfortable for me (long, narrow feet; high arches).

      1. pancakes*

        I mentioned them, and I’m glad you did too because that’s my foot shape as well! Very good to know.

        1. Idyllic Gulag*

          So you did; completely missed that! I’ve owned about a dozen pairs of Danners over the years between hiking boots, work boots, and lifestyle. Never had a pair I found outright uncomfortable, though I like the fit and support of certain styles better than others.

  9. Lattes are for lovers*

    My husband and I are considering moving to Nashville. We are in early 40s and no kids. We both work from home.

    Nashvillians – what do you love about living here? What would you change? Are there areas to avoid?

    1. VLookupsAreMyLife*

      Hello – It really depends on where you’re moving from & what you’re looking for. I’ve lived here 4 years, and I often wish we hadn’t moved here. I (white, straight, 45yo, cis-female) spent 20+ years on the quasi-west coast/PNW, so the culture shock of moving to the South was intense! The fact that you don’t have children is good, IMO – my progressive babies struggle to find friends & community. We live in South Nashville & I try to stay in Davidson County proper at all times and avoid Wonderful White Williamson, Rutherford, and Sumner at all costs.

      Some things I like: Nashville has a large immigrant population (specifically Kurdish) so there’s a lot of diversity; it’s centrally located so travelling to other places is quick & easy; since we’re a tourist town, there is ALWAYS something to do; the National Museum of African American Music is my happy place – I could go there every day!; cost of living is relatively low compared to many similar sized cities; FOOD – lots of local mom & pop shops with a variety of dishes, cultures, and flavors; it’s really just a big, small town so you can get to know your neighbors, your city councilperson, your postal carrier; growing economy & lots of job opportunities in many sectors like education, healthcare, construction, technology, finance, manufacturing, etc.

      Why I want to leave: like much of the South, Tennessee is not a safe place for people who can get pregnant, people of color, queer folks, or non-Christians (Nashville itself is better, but there’s only so much you can do as a city); tornadoes – we’ve been lucky but many in our community have not; underfunded public services (schools, healthcare, early childhood services, etc); Nashville is still extremely segregated despite its diverse population
      & there’s a lot of gentrification that’s destroying long-standing communities in historic parts of town; and on a personal note, I am allergic to every damned thing that grows here so my sinuses are trying to kill me daily.

      1. Rage*

        I don’t live and have never lived in Nashville, but I did live in south Georgia for a decade and some change and I will whole-heartedly second everything in VLookups’ final paragraph. I hated it for many of the same reasons and will never willingly live in the South again. (Atlanta itself would be the exception, but I can’t see that happening either LOL)

        My parents still live there, so I visit routinely, and have to carry a veritable pharmacy of allergy medications simply to remain upright. The allergens there have a very specific set of skills. They will find you, and they will make your life miserable.

        1. Salymander*

          Your last paragraph cracked me up. I have the same experience in North Carolina. I can be sitting upstairs in my MIL’s house, and I can tell that someone opens a door downstairs because I start sneezing and my sinuses and even my face swells up. I don’t live there and don’t spend much time visiting so I never bothered to find out what it is that I’m allergic to, but whatever it is makes me feel like the plant world has taken out a hit on me.

    2. Screen Porch Office*

      My daughter and her husband just spent 2 years living in Nashville while he attended grad school at Vanderbilt. The biggest thing she noticed is that living in a tourist Mecca has some upsides and large downsides. During the busy season, going out to dinner in town can require making reservations weeks in advance or being prepared for 90 minute waits. The party busses are loud and ventured further into quiet areas than she expected. The complaints from locals that Nashville us rapidly becoming NashVegas are legit. She did enjoy the variety of restaurants and available entertainment.

    1. UKDancer*

      Yes, such a pretty pussycat with long whiskers. It looks like they’re sitting in judgement on misbehaving bosses.

      1. Talula Does the Hula From Hawaii*

        He knows hes in show business, hence the intentional photogenic poses.

  11. Unicornucopia*

    I’m going to Dublin for a semester abroad this fall, does anyone have any advice, especially in terms of packing things I have now vs. buying later? I don’t really know where to go to buy dishes or bedding or anything like that. Are there any specific cultural differences between the US and Ireland I need to be aware of academically or otherwise that I might not have thought of? Thanks for any help!

    1. Yay, I’m a Llama Again!*

      Things like dishes and bedding you’ll be able to buy really easily, all supermarkets have all that stuff, plus charity shops are good for dishes. I don’t think I’d pack anything like that.

    2. BubbleTea*

      Caveat that I don’t know if the Irish system is the same as the UK one but something I’ve noticed is a difference between US and UK grading is that over there, 90+% is a good grade. Here, 60+% is a good grade. I got 59.5% overall in my degree and that was 2.i honours degree (thank you, rounding!). So if it’s the same in Dublin you’d need to recalibrate your expectations.

      1. Irish Teacher*

        Yup, very much the same in Ireland, especially at college. Our system isn’t the same as yours but that does hold.

      2. matcha123*

        This is interesting. Could you explain the thought process behind this?
        As an American, the grading in my schools has been based on what material was taught and whether or not the student’s level of understanding matches what was taught…with the material presented being adjusted to the student’s level.

        Over there is the grading based on the student’s understanding of any and all possible material out there, regardless of whether or not it has been taught or…?
        What would one have to do to get a 90%+ there?

        1. Irish Teacher*

          It really does depend on the subject and the level. At college level, you would be expected to do research yourself and show an understanding of the material.

          In secondary school, you have two major exams, one at the end of your first three years, covering everything you have studied in those three years and the other at the end of your time in secondary, covering everything you have studied in the final two years. You can be questioned on anything across the curriculum and 90% means you not only remember 90% of everything in your textbook and everything the teacher said, but that you also demonstrate an understanding of it and can get it down on paper in a short time frame under exam conditions. It’s not going to cover stuff you haven’t been taught nor are you expected to know “any and all possible material out there” but remember two years worth of work, in detail and being able to work with it in a three hour exam…isn’t the easiest.

          In these exams, what one would have to do is remember at least 90% of everything covered and be able to write about it in an exam, making sure your answer directly relates to the question asked. In English, for example, one studies four texts, one for the “single text” question and another for the “comparative study.” For the comparative study, you may be asked something like…well, looking at this year’s exam, to compare how those in power in each text maintain their position. Then there is the poetry question when you will be asked to say discuss the literary techniques used by a particular poet and you will have to remember not only what techniques they used but be able to quote from multiple poems you have studied by that poet, giving examples from each. You have to do more than show you understand the poems as you don’t have any way to refer to them so you have to remember the information off the top of your head and you have a limited time in which to write it.

          In Irish, you are expected to write an essay on a topic like “Ireland’s involvement in the European Union” or debate whether or not we should do more to prevent climate change. This is in a second language and should be about 500-600 words long. This is from the equivalent of high school seniors. To get 90%, you would need to write a reasonable insightful essay, showing near fluency in the language.

          I have not taught at college level, plus it REALLY depends on the degree. As an English and History student, obviously, I was expected to write essays, researching information beyond what was taught in class. I assume a Maths or Science degree might be different as those don’t have the same level of debate.

          I guess the thought process is that 90% doesn’t just mean “I understand 90% of the material” so much as “I know 90% of the material off the top of my head and can answer any question you choose to ask me on it without referring to a text or any supporting materials.” That’s probably an exaggeration, but certainly for the Leaving Cert. (final exam in secondary school), it’s close. At college, not so much as some topics are tested by essay, when yeah, you are expected to show an understanding of more than you’ve done in class.

          1. matcha123*

            Thank you for the explanation, that’s quite interesting!
            I can only speak for my specific schools, but the grading depended on the teacher and so could vary wildly. I had always assumed that anything covered in class or that was in our textbooks was fair game as a potential test question. Most of my classmates (elementary through high school) didn’t think that way and would (successfully) argue with the teacher that because the teacher didn’t state that xyz would be on the test or didn’t go over it in class, therefore it was unfair to include it in the test and we should be given a free point.

            At the university level, and this depends on the university and the professor, I think that if one were to do the minimum, you could expect a 70%.
            Usually the professor lets students know their grading style at the beginning of the semester and what kind of work they expect to see and we match that. It seems like the UK is more streamlined across subjects!

            1. Irish Teacher*

              In Ireland, all students in the country do the same exam on leaving school. The teachers have no more idea than anybody else what will come up. (I’m not sure anybody knows. I think more than one exam is made out and it is chosen at random which will be the one given and which will be the back up in case of disaster.) As teachers, we can often guess what is LIKELY to come up, but we are only guessing. We don’t know either. (Had fun with students who were insisting they read on facebook that the TAOISEACH (prime minister) had said a certain topic would come up and had to explain to them that he does not know what will come up either.)

              There’s no arguing as you never know who marks your exam (by the way, I mark the Junior Cert, but have no way of knowing whose exams I mark or even what schools they attend; all I know is that I will not get any from the school I teach in or from the area where I live and I have to disclose if I have any relatives doing the exam, so presumably, I would not get their schools either). Every student in the country has to be marked to the exact same standard. Students’ entry to college is based on their Leaving Cert. results so obviously it has to be fair across the board.

              At college, lecturers have a lot more leeway to set exams and they aren’t as full-on as the Leaving Cert. but you’re still not going to get 70% for doing the minimum.

              Some Leaving Cert. exams (I’ll choose subjects that aren’t very culturally dependent):

              This year’s biology exam: https://www.examinations.ie/archive/exampapers/2022/LC025ALP038EV.pdf

              Geography: https://www.examinations.ie/archive/exampapers/2022/LC005ALP042EV.pdf

              English, Paper 1: https://www.examinations.ie/archive/exampapers/2022/LC002ALP100EV.pdf and Paper 2: https://www.examinations.ie/archive/exampapers/2022/LC002ALP200EV.pdf

              Business: https://www.examinations.ie/archive/exampapers/2022/LC033ALP032EV.pdf

              Only English, Irish and Maths are compulsory. Then students usually do 4 other subjects. And the results of their 6 best subjects are added together to get their points (out of 600) which determine whether or not they will get into the college course of their choice. The points for various courses last year are available here: http://www2.cao.ie/points/l8.php This year’s SHOULD be out in a couple of weeks if it were a normal year, but given all the covid stuff, they won’t be out until September.

        2. Laura Petrie*

          Yes, in a UK university, you’re expected to do a lot of extra reading on the subjects of each module. Each lecture has an extensive reading list and you need to be able to use a variety of sources in your essays, exams and other assessments. If you only use the specific material the lecturer uses in class, you won’t get a very good grade. At undergraduate level, the pass mark is 40% and a first class mark is 70% or above.

          In my current degree, I’ve got some marks above 80% but that’s unusual both for me and in the UK system.

          1. Laura Petrie*

            Just to add I don’t know much about the Irish system, but the university transcripts I used to see for a previous job were quite similar to UK ones. The Leaving Cert was a bit of a mystery to me in terms of what to ask for in a conditional offer with grades pending.

          2. pancakes*

            That was the case at my undergrad school in the US as well, but then we also had dons, and an exchange program with one of the Oxford colleges. It’s not mandatory to do things the usual US way in the US, but very few schools seem to make a point of diverging from it.

    3. IrishAdvice*

      Rental places here in Ireland usually are fully equipped with crockery, cutlery, furniture, etc., apart from bedding sometimes. You will easily be able to buy bedding and towels in a local Dunnes (not a full department store, but supermarket + clothing + soft household goods). Don’t bring anything like that with you. Also if you are a hairdryer or straightener user, you can just buy very inexpensive ones here (less than 20 euro), often available at the local supermarket or pharmacy (e.g. Boots)
      Your other questions are too general to answer well. Academically, it is different. Depending on which university you are going to attend, the experience will be different. Speaking as a lecturer, make sure to factor in the exam period in your stay (I’ve had several international students forgetting to do this and then having to change their flights home). Otherwise, attend the lectures/ labs/ fieldwork, do the assignments, study, take the exams, and leave plenty of time for socialising. You will have a great time!

    4. Ireland advice*

      Pack layers. Depending on the time of year you come, you may find it cold and wet, and a good waterproof jacket will be essential any time of the year. Even if you are from a cold part of the US you might find yourself cold as Irish homes and businesses tend not to have the heating on very high and keep doors and windows open when you might expect it’s too cold for that.

      Make sure you have good shoes that are at least water resistant on top. Dublin is a walking city and if you are like most Americans you will not be used at first to the amount of walking you’ll do.

      Don’t bring bulky things like plates and bed linen with you, that is easy to find at Guineys or Pennys or Dunnes or charity shops.

      You might be surprised at how early a lot of shops and cafes and the like close compared to what you’re used to. After 6-7 there isn’t a lot open other than pubs and restaurants, though there are a few exceptions, like some fast food places and a handful of coffee places. I think there’s a 24-hour Starbucks on Stephen’s Green but not sure, I live in another city now.

    5. Nina_Bee*

      Not sure if they have it in Ireland (I live in London) but things like Freecycle or Gumtree is a great place to get free/cheap things if you really want to save money. There might be an Irish specific one there.

      1. Ireland advice*

        It’s been a few years for me, but the region-specific Zero Waste Facebook groups were great sources of free or cheap stuff pre-pandemic. Maybe they still are. So, Zero Waste Dublin might be a good place to look.

    6. Irish Teacher*

      While Dublin isn’t the same as the West of Ireland, I will say “be prepared for rain.” Lots of rain. To those of us in Ireland, Dublin seems pretty dry, but I think it still gets more rain/about the same as the city with the most rainfall in the US.

      The weather in Ireland really doesn’t change as much from season to season as you might be used to, though if you are coming from September to Christmas, this will probably be less of a surprise than if you came in the summer or the colder part of winter because our weather is sort of autumnal all year round. Temperatures are likely to be around the 50s Fahrenheit.

      The other things I’ve heard international students comment on when they arrive in Ireland are firstly our timekeeping. It has improved since my college days but that means most things run 5-10 minutes late rather than say…up to 30. I was quite surprised at some comments on this site about meetings starting a few minutes late because in Ireland, that would not even be noticed. If I go for an appointment, I assume it will take place within 15 minutes of the time. You should still be on time, because you never know if a thing is going to start on time or not, but just to be aware that a few minutes late isn’t even counted here. Our train service officially declared “on time” means “within 10 minutes of the time we are due”.

      Ireland is generally pretty informal. One thing I noticed about America students at college is that they will come over, shake your hand and introduce themselves. Irish students are not likely to do that. They are more likely to say “hi, where are you from, then?” (This is a common greeting in colleges, as everybody is from different places, it isn’t just to international students.) And you have a full conversation with them without even getting their names. This isn’t to say you shouldn’t go over and introduce yourself. I was very impressed as a teenage/early twenties with them for doing that, just not to be surprised if Irish students are less inclined to introduce themselves so formally.

      Related to this, it is normal to call lecturers by their first names. People don’t speak of “Professor X,” which isn’t a term we use for lecturers anyway.

      OH! One big thing is that college in Ireland is very much Monday-Friday, sometimes even more Monday-Thursday. My college used to finish up early on a Friday so everybody could go home. This is going to be less of an issue in Dublin where many people are living locally anyway, but students who are living away from home are generally going to go home for the weekend on a Friday and arrive back Sunday night. As a result, in my college, virtually all events took place Monday to Thursday. Rag Week (do ye have that in the US? It’s a week of events and collecting for charity) finished at lunchtime (12 or 1) on the Friday morning.

      I think college hours may also be different. Generally lectures take place from 9 until 6. (As I said, in my college, they finished at 2 or 3 on a Friday, but that may be different in Dublin where more students are likely to be local). This is the same with businesses, really. Now, again, Dublin is different from a town where little would be open outside those hours and you will be able to shop and so on in the evenings, but things don’t go round the clock like they do in the U.S.

      Another thing is drinking. The legal age to drink in Ireland is 18 and even for those who are underage, the situation is very different to the US. Nobody is getting arrested for buying a drink at 17 and certainly not for drinking at home with their friends. There are restrictions on underage teens being in pubs after 9pm or 10pm, but even that isn’t a huge deal.

      This means most college socialising will take place in the pub and if you are living in a college “dorm” or sharing a flat (apartment) with other students, people will sit around in the common room/sitting room, having a drink together. You don’t have to drink. I don’t drink and it was never a big deal. People will offer and you can say yes or no. But it is a different situation than there seems to be in the US.

      The other things that we seem to have different approaches to are politics and religion. Both of those seem to be quite controversial in the US, whereas in Ireland, you can call our taoiseach (prime minister) a complete eejet and everybody will agree with you. Now, as a foreigner, you probably shouldn’t do that, but you will hear it. (You should also know Ireland is staunchly Democrat, partly because the Democrats probably equate to our most right wing parties, so Ireland is pretty left compared to the US and partly for historical reasons – abortion is an exception to the Ireland being left rule and you probably will come across pro-life people. Not so much at college as younger people tend to be pro-choice but being pro-life isn’t seen as in any way shocking. However, it’s quite likely you will hear criticism of Donald Trump and so on. So if you like him, be aware that there is a bias in Ireland on this issue.) It would be very unusual for anybody to identify as a Fianna Fáiler or a Fine Gaeler here. You MIGHT get some people who identify as Sinn Féiners. But generally people who identify with a political party are actively involved in their youth wing. Most people will criticise all parties. Our parties also don’t really differ all that much – the most recent argument between the left and right was whether to bring in a package of supports for people affected by inflation now or wait until the budget in October.

      Religion is hard to explain and in a college, in Dublin, it probably won’t come up much anyway. Again, young people tend not to be religious and Dublin people tend not to be that religious, so it’s not likely to be an issue. But again, it’s not really a taboo topic and is quite integrated into ordinary life. The Angelus for example plays on national television. Nobody takes much notice, but it plays.

      People aren’t likely to ask you your religion or try to get you to go to church with them or anything like that

      1. UKDancer*

        It’s probably worth adding that Ireland is now a lot more socially relaxed especially in Dublin than it used to be years ago. Leo Varadkar, the Tanaiste (deputy PM) who was the Taoiseach in the last administration is openly gay and that’s not a big thing and doesn’t appear to have affected his popularity. He’s also part Indian which is not a big thing either. So I don’t think you need to worry about being visibly gay or BAME if this is a potential concern. There are bigots and idiots everywhere but Dublin seems like a fairly tolerant live and let live place judging from the few times I’ve been there.

        It’s also a surprisingly small place. I’ve a couple of professional contacts there and they seem to know everyone else so I think Dublin has a lot more of a village feel to it than London.

        Otherwise, you can get most things you need in the supermarkets or shops so I wouldn’t bother bringing too much with you. I’ve noticed that some Americans have a bit of a view of Ireland as being like it was in the Quiet Man (rural, quaint and old fashioned). There are quiet, small towns but Dublin is a large, cosmopolitan city with all the amenities you’d find in London or Frankfurt.

        1. Irish Teacher*

          Yeah, to be honest, the fact that Leo Varadkar is a middle class “South Dub” (basically urban and upper middle class) got him more criticism than being gay or of Indian descent did. Ireland tends to be fairly “mind your own business” about stuff like that anyway. Even if people have prejudices, they are USUALLY not too vocal about them (the exception being prejudice against the Travelling Community, but that is unlikely to apply).

    7. Ellis Bell*

      I found Dublin expensive, what with it being a capital city (Im in the UK, just a ferry ride away from Dublin). Lots of Dubliners come over to my city for the cheaper shopping. Considering that outerwear is cheap and great quality in many parts of the US, (plus the fact that there is more choice of everything generally), I’d probably get my coat and shoes before coming over. Particularly the shoes, so you can break them in for walking, unless you’re already in a part of America where people walk everywhere. I would get layers, sometimes it gets wet while the weather is still warm so something light like merino, possibly. You definitely need to be prepared for a lot of drizzly rain that soaks you through, but I think what you find most surprising will be how changeable the weather is, so don’t exclude fine weather wear (though that will be easier to shop for). Also, don’t trust that a fine start to the day will stay fine, because changeable weather. You’re probably going to need a fantastic backpack with lots of pockets if you’re going to uni. I’m quite jealous, Dublin is a very fun and friendly city.

      1. Irish Teacher*

        Yup, always bring an umbrella. Dublin isn’t as wet as much of Ireland, but rain is still likely to be rarely far away.

        1. UKDancer*

          This definitely. I’ve been to Dublin on business several times (I think 4 or 5) and it’s rained every time. I’ce done about the same number of trips to Belfast (which is also worth a visit) and that was equally wet. It rains a lot but the best advice is to take an umbrella and just carry on regardless.

      2. pancakes*

        “unless you’re already in a part of America where people walk everywhere” – I have lived in NYC for 25 years and this is one of the single most eyebrow-raising topics to overhear tourists talk about. One day years ago I was waiting to cross the street in midtown behind a group of tourists complaining about walking, and one of them told another, “try to pretend you’re at the mall”! It’s wild to me.

        1. Ellis Bell*

          The mall sounds like it would be the best place to break in travelling shoes then! I have been to some places in the US where there aren’t even pavements, which made me feel very fish out of water – but it explains my love affair with New York! That really is a walking city.

          1. pancakes*

            Yes, the shoreline Connecticut town my stepdad lives in doesn’t have pavements / sidewalks. I think new developments are required to put them in, but otherwise the mindset often seems to be, “why wouldn’t we just drive everywhere, lol.”

    8. Dreaming of daffodils*

      Oh how fun! I did a semester there several years ago. A few odds and ends come to mind:
      -food there is generally made with fewer preservatives, so it spoils more quickly—we all got in the habit of sticking bread in the freezer after a few days and then using it for toast, rather than leaving it on the counter for a week
      -look into getting a Leap card! Even if your housing is close to uni, you’ll want to have some freedom, and the bus system and the Luas (tram) is quite good
      -if someone offers you “great crack,” they’re likely pulling your leg—the Irish word “craic” is pronounced “crack” and means fun or some such

      I’ll add anything else that pops into my head later!

    9. Jessica*

      Definitely pack light and don’t worry about bringing household supplies! If you’re a person who has periods, I would recommend bringing a supply of your preferred pads/tampons. Obviously you would be able to buy them there, but it’s nice to be able to stick with what you’re used too. And the real reason I recommend this is bc it will take up space in your suitcase, and you’ll DEFINITELY have more to bring home than you had to bring there. So forcing yourself to make space for disposable items on the way there will help you save room for all those gifts and trinkets you’ll be bringing back. (Same goes for hair products and American foods like peanut butter.)

    10. Voluptuousfire*

      I visited Dublin a few years ago in January. It wasn’t very cold, maybe in the upper 40s low 50s but it’s very humid. I don’t know how true this is, but apparently if you’re familiar with the weather in the Pacific Northwest, it’s similar to that of Seattle during the winter. Something about being on the same latitude or parallel.

      Definitely recommend layers for the winter. Be prepared for humidity. Yes, Dublin can be cloudy and rainy and all that but it’s really quite humid. Definitely wear layers, especially breathable layers. The few days I was there I surprisingly packed terribly (when I usually pack on point), so make sure you wear comfortable layers. I basically sweated my entire trip there and it was very uncomfortable.

    11. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

      Hopefully your university will have more specific advice for you. Or possibly an Ireland-specific forum somewhere. Be prepared to experience culture shock and find the accents hard to understand at first, even if you already know quite a bit about the place or watch Irish TV programs etc. I haven’t been to Ireland myself but I was surprised when I moved to England by just how different things are, even though I thought I was fairly familiar with England and had visited before on a short undergraduate class. It’s going to be an analogous experience for anyone doing a semester abroad type of thing.

      I’d suggest trying to take a “capsule wardrobe” approach for the typical weather, and expect that you will end up buying things while you’re there. Definitely don’t bother packing things like bedding or dishes, personal care products, or that kind of thing except maybe the same supply that you’d take on a short trip while you get settled in. You might not find exactly the same brands but you will definitely find equivalents. I’m sure you will be able to find some friendly people to direct you to an appropriate shop. The beginning of a term is a perfect time to introduce yourself to people and make friendly acquaintances at least and I’m positive you won’t be the only newly arriving student who needs to buy some supplies.

    12. Seeking second childhood*

      If you are from the US, check the web for discussion of common words and phrases that have drastically different meanings in US versus UK.

        1. Irish Teacher.*

          And while it’s worth taking a look at, taking it TOO seriously could get confusing as we use something of a mixture of UK and US English and sometimes just ignore them all and come up with 9ut own word 9r borrow one from Irish. Or just directly translate the phrase from Irish. “I’ve a terrible thirst on me,” “you’re after making a mistake there.”

          So yeah, an article on Hiberno-English: https://www.irishtimes.com/life-and-style/people/don-t-mind-us-jennifer-o-connell-on-the-marvels-of-hiberno-english-1.2035719

    13. UKDancer*

      You might want to go to Belfast as it’s quite a fun trip from Dublin and interesting for tourists. Be aware that you’ll need £ sterling for Belfast as opposed to Euros for Dublin. Some shops on the borders will take both currencies but otherwise it’s £ in Northern Ireland and € in Eire.

      This probably goes without saying but the Northern Ireland peace process and the Troubles are difficult and people have a lot of feelings about it on both sides of the border. It’s probably worth treading carefully if you’re not well informed about it, especially if you’re in Belfast.

  12. Frankie Bergstein*

    Along the lines of family dysfunction books that Allison has recommended (and I’ve loved, like The Nest), can anyone suggest books about narcissistic or mildly abusive parents and what their parent-child dynamic is like? Thanks for reading this :)

    1. Bluebell*

      I’m sure more will come to me later, but Lisa Lutz’s Spellman family mysteries feature a totally dysfunctional family, even though they do manage to solve mysteries.

    4. cubone*

      You might really like Fun Home by Alison Bechdel. It’s a graphic novel but it’s a deep dive into the author as an adult gay woman unpacking the dynamic with her father, a closeted gay man. It’s fantastic and her drawings are beautiful (tw for major mental health stuff).

      (Also she’s the source of the Bechdel test which a lot of people don’t know!)

      1. Nitpicker*

        The basis for the musical, also called Fun Home, which won the Tony for best musical back in the day.

      2. Patty Mayonnaise*

        There’s also a sequel about her relationship with her mother that’s very good too!

    5. Falling Diphthong*

      This is TV, but that describes Raylan’s relationship with his dad in Justified. It’s the first show I remember where the seemingly terrible parent of an adult wasn’t a misunderstood saint all along–he really sucked.

      So often Hollywood goes for “The father who abandoned you has popped up and wants a role in your life–obviously you need to give it to him, on his terms.” (I imagine this says something about the writers.)

      1. fposte*

        Oh, that’s a big part of what I’m struggling with in Ten Percent (British adaptation of the French TV show). There is a brief nod to some things being unfixable but there’s been too much rapprochement with people who just should be moved on from.

        1. pancakes*

          Boyfriend and I adored the French version and didn’t get more than two or three episodes into the British one. We didn’t see enough of it to get much of a handle on their Mathias, but overall it seems a lot slower and not nearly as sharp or funny.

          Have you seen any of Family Business? Arlette from the French version is in it. “In this comedy series, a Paris family decides to turn its declining kosher butcher shop into the first French marijuana coffee shop.” I keep meaning to check it out.

          1. fposte*

            It’s produced by John Morton, who did 2010 and W1A, both of which I really liked, but it’s not quite up to that standard (I did like it better than I think I made it sound). I haven’t watched the French original at all, so it sounds like I should really do that, and Family Business sounds fun as well–thanks!

            1. pancakes*

              Not familiar with those. W1A looks interesting. There’s also a Bollywood version of Call My Agent, which we’ve been meaning to check out. The French version was so well done, I think it will be very hard for anyone to best.

      2. Ask a Manager* Post author

        I enjoyed that element in Juliet Naked (the movie, which is an adaptation of the book by Nick Hornby). It’s been so long since I’ve read the book that I can’t remember if this is reflected in the book too, but in the movie you’re sure they’re going to go for that cliche but they deal with it differently.

    6. pancakes*

      I don’t have a book to recommend by I think there are a number of readers here who’d appreciate the Philip Larkin poem This Be The Verse.

    7. Lady Whistledown*

      Will I Ever Be Good Enough by Karyl McBride is an outstanding book
      The archives of Captain Awkward (plus the comments section!)
      Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents
      Research ACE (adverse childhood event) scores

      In each place you will find a mix of mental frameworks to name the dysfunction, build boundaries, script your dialogues, and emotionally heal/progress. I treated the journey a bit like Wikipedia – going from source to source to source. The concepts and patterns and language you learn are amazingly useful with friends and colleagues as well.

  13. Lemon pie*

    What’s the most creative embroidery piece you’ve seen?

    I’m feeling really inspired by 3D/textural/stumpwork embroidery. (The famous ipnot cheese pull pizza piece!) If anyone has some resources, instructions, tips and tricks, experiences to share, I’d welcome it.

    Happy weekend!

    1. Dark Macadamia*

      I’ve seen some really cool ones involving UV reactive thread – someone on Reddit posted a coral reef one the other day that looks incredible with or without the glow.

      I always enjoy “aerial view” ones, especially the koi pond style where they connect a stack of hoops with layers of tulle to create depth.

      One time I came across an embroidered stop-motion animation! They did the scenery on fabric and then had several pieces of a stumpwork rabbit that they could manipulate to create movement, I’ll try to link in a reply.

    2. Falling Diphthong*

      I had a book from a museum exhibit that recreated elaborate landscapes in embroidery.

  14. Captain Vegetable (Crunch Crunch Crunch)*

    I’m looking for authors with well-written, somewhat humorous mysteries- writers like Sarah Caudwell, Simon Brett, Louise Penny, Josephine Tey. Any suggestions?

    2. Scarlet Magnolias*

      The Nicola Upson series where she writes about the author Josephine Tey investigating murders. She has obviously done her research and they are well plotted and very interesting. Just didn’t like it in one that she killed off cats. New one coming out so I am reading all the Tey and Upson I can find

    3. Pam*

      Ellis Peters. A 12th-century series about a monk, Brother Cadfael. Also, a modern (1960’s) police procedural series, and a bunch of cozy stand-alones.

      2. The OG Sleepless*

        I LOVED the Brother Cadfael books! I grabbed a book from a newsstand at a train station as I was rushing to get on the train in Wales in 1987, because the cover had a medieval church and the subtitle “A Medieval Whodunnit.” Sure, sounds good. It was The Sanctuary Sparrow, and it was my introduction to one my favorite mystery series of all time.

        1. Irish Teacher.*

          If you like Brother Cadfael, I’d recommend Peter Tremayne’s Sister Fidelma mysteries. They aren’t really alike – VERY different words – but both are mysteries set in the medieval era.

    4. The Prettiest Curse*

      Amy Stewart has a whole series of 1920s-set mysteries which would fit the bill. I’ve only read the first one, which is called Girl Waits With Gun, but there are now a total of 7 books with the same characters.

      1. PhyllisB*

        Yes!! I loved those books!! I was sorry to finish the series. I understand she’s planning to write more going into the 1920’s. I can’t wait.

    5. Irish Teacher*

      Dorothy Simpson’s Inspector Thanet series.

      And Robin Stevens’ “Murder Most Unladylike” series. Described as Agatha Christie meet Malory Towers.

      Also, the book I am reading at the moment most emphatically fits this description, “The Appeal,” by Janice Hallett.

      Anthony Horowitz is brilliant. Not sure how humorous he is, but he does put himself into some of the books as the Watson figure and makes a bit of fun of himself for messing up, so there’s that.

    6. Hlao-roo*

      A. A. Milne wrote just one mystery novel, but it’s a good one: The Red House Mystery.

    7. Teapot Translator*

      It’s been a few years, but I used to like reading Lindsey Davis’s Falco series (private detective in ancient Rome).
      Also, I love Sarah Caudwell. <3

    9. GoryDetails*

      Caudwell was awesome – so sad that she only finished four novels, but they are choice! (Also love Penny, Tey, and Sayers.)

      One of my favorites that isn’t as well known: Alan Gordon, whose “Fools Guild” mysteries set in 13th-century Europe and featuring a very clever professional jester – who’s part of the Fools Guild, an organization that is both a gathering of talented entertainers and an international espionage-and-influence outfit. The first book, THIRTEENTH NIGHT, is a direct riff on Shakespeare’s “Twelfth Night” (and I might mention it in the “classic retellings” thread farther back), though the series proper only kicks in with JESTER LEAPS IN. Truly impressive historical detail – the author has done his research – with entertaining characters and delightfully sparkling dialogue, especially between jester Feste (who takes different names for different jobs – it can get confusing) and his beloved and hyper-competent wife.

      1. Captain Vegetable (Crunch Crunch Crunch)*

        Your name made me laugh- my introduction to Caudwell was through my collecting of books with covers by Edward Gorey. It was the Gorey details that drew me in, but her thoroughly enjoyable writing that made me stay!

        1. GoryDetails*

          Heh! Yeah, I think I first found her books via the Gorey covers too. I do love Gorey’s work! (Have been to his house on Cape Cod, now a museum/gift shop, worth a visit if you’re ever in the area.)

          1. Captain Vegetable (Crunch Crunch Crunch)*

            Sigh, I had a visit planned… in 2020. I will get there someday!

    10. Snow Globe*

      It’s been a few years since I’ve read them, but I’ve really enjoyed Elizabeth Peter’s books. There is a series about Amelia Peabody and Emerson, 19th century English archeologists, and another series about Vicky Bliss, an art historian who has an on again/off again relationship with an art thief.

      1. Hiker*

        Going to suggest these. Amelia and Emerson are lovely and fun to read, although some of the later ones can get a bit heavy. That said, I haven’t read those in several years and maybe I was just too young then.

      2. Chauncy Gardener*

        Great! This is the same person as Ellis Peters who wrote the Brother Cadfael books. Love her!

      1. Scarlet Magnolias*

        The Robert Tanenbaum books about Butch Karp and Marlene Ciampi (lawyer mysteries) are wonderful up to book 13. Then Tanenbaum’s ghost writer quit and the rest are lousy.

    12. Forensic13*

      Colin Cotterill’s Dr. Siri Paiboun series set in communist Laos! His MC is an old doctor who wants to retire at first but gets bullied into being Laos’ only coroner. He thinks his life is slowing down. . . and then things start going off the rails.

      The series mostly emphasizes humor, especially dry humor, but it is based on historic events so FYI.

      2. GoryDetails*

        Oh, yes, the “Dr. Siri” books are marvelous! The supernatural touches actually fit into the overall setting quite well, and I’ve actually learned a few things about the political situation in Laos at the time.

    13. Bluebell*

      Dorothy Gilman’s Mrs Polifax series is delightful. The main character is a woman in her 60s who is a spy. I also second the Elizabeth Peters Amelia Peabody series.

      1. Scarlet Magnolias*

        There was a sequel to the Amelia Peabody mysteries I believe that was written after the author’s death. It was terrible, in that she portrayed Emerson as an idiot who would try to assault any male who even looked at Amelia. Emerson was definitely protective and could be violent and had a temper, but he was an intelligent, engaging partner, and I didn’t like seeing him represented as a lout.

      2. PhyllisB*

        If you like Mrs Pollifax you might like Simon Brett’s Mrs. Partenger series. Double check that name. It’s years since I read them and may have it spelled wrong. I just remembered they were very good. Didn’t care as much for his Charles Paris series. I only read a couple of them.

    14. Falling Diphthong*

      I am a huge fan of Donna Andrews’ two series:
      You’ve Got Murder is the first of four featuring an AI as the detective. I believe the genesis was a conference challenge to come up with a truly unique detective. Turing’s creator trained her using mystery novels, as a way to get into how people interact, ideas of right and wrong, etc.

      Murder With Peacocks is the first of 30 (!) in the Meg Langslow series, about a blacksmith with a penchant for organization and a large and wacky extended family. This book takes place over a summer of organizing three weddings. I give real props for the romance storyline as a way real adults work things out (she meets her eventual husband in book 1) and for realistic use of cell phones (a pet peeve with cozies). There’s a bit of massaging of timelines so that people who are elderly in the early books are still able to get into trouble in the later books. In the later books the series has an aspect of idealized community that I just really enjoy immersing myself in.

    15. Captain Vegetable (Crunch Crunch Crunch)*

      Thank you all for the suggestions so far! I am incredibly excited to start diving into some new books.

    16. Annie Edison*

      I’ve been enjoying Mia P Manansala lately! Shady Hollow by Juneau Black was whimsical and delightful as well if you’re up for a murder mystery set in a village of anthropomorphized woodland creatures

    18. Ashley*

      I read The No. 1 Ladies Detective Agency series by Alexander McCall Smith about 8 years ago and remember them being delightful. It’s set in Botswana and it was fun to learn about the country as well as follow along in the mystery.

        1. KoiFeeder*

          They’re by Van Gulik, who sadly has not published since the 1960’s. There is a french author writing sequels, but nobody’s translated them to english yet so I must chew on the bars of my enclosure and suffer.

    20. pancakes*

      Elizabeth Daly – Her detective Henry Gamadge is very bookish, which I particularly like, and has a really nice relationship with his wife, assistant, and pets.

      New to me, and I have high hopes for, maybe Carolyn Gold Heilbrun? She taught English at Columbia and wrote academic mysteries on the side under the name Amanda Cross. I’d never heard of her until a couple days ago and based on her wiki page she seems to have been living the dream:

      “Heilbrun enjoyed solitude when working and, despite being a wife and mother of three, often spent time alone at various retreats over the years, including her luxury Manhattan apartment and a country home in upstate New York. She also had a Summer house in Alford, Massachusetts. At the age of 68, she purchased a new home to use by herself, as she wanted a private place.”

      I think Raymond Chandler was often very funny but those are more noir than mystery.

    21. Drago Cucina*

      I lurve the Spellman Files series by Lisa Lutz. This quirky PI family is dysfunctional enough to be funny and endearing.

    22. OxfordBlue*

      The Andrea Camilleri series about Inspector Montalbano is full of clever jokes and sly witticisms.
      Sarah Waldock who has written several series is well worth the reading, try the one based on Jane Fairfax from Emma which is especially good.
      Jill Paton Walsh wrote a good series about Imogen Quy.
      Anne Swinfen wrote a great series about an Oxford bookseller.
      Susanna Newstead is writing a great series about the Savernake Forest.
      Andrew Wareham’s The Pinchbeck Peer and Longway Place are both interesting series.

      1. Happy Thursday-Yay!!!*

        Donna Leon’s commissario bruneti series (similar to the Three Pines books you already like—but in Venice)

        Tony Hillerman’s series featuring Navajo Tribal Police officers Joe Leaphorn and Jim Chee in the American SW

        Slightly different bent, Ben Aaronovitch’s Rivers of London series (think magic meets Endeavor/inspector Lewis or other masterpiece mysteries London-based mysteries)

        Midevil mysteries series by Ann Swinfin—Oxford a few hundred years before inspector Morse—added plus not only good characters and early CSI-type analysis by folks in Oxford, but each book also focuses on a specific trade or segment of society with titles as the Bookseller’s tale, the Novice’s Tale, The merchant’s tale, etc. (author was a phd in mideval studies).

        PD James (author)
        Inspector Morse (character)

        1. pancakes*

          I’m really getting into Inspector Morse lately. (The show; I haven’t read any of the novels yet). My most-similar TV buddy thinks he’s too cranky and my boyfriend initially did as well, but I won over the latter with the Ghost in the Machine episode. (I started watching it alone but within a half hour or so I thought nah, he’ll like this a lot too, this is the one!)

          1. allathian*

            Yes. If you like Morse, I also recommend watching Endeavour. Shaun Evans does a great job, the longer the show goes on, the more his character starts to resemble the one portrayed by John Thaw.

            1. pancakes*

              We haven’t seen any of it yet but I’ll definitely check it out, and the DS Lewis spin off. He’s very likable on Morse.

        2. pancakes*

          I had a look at the Rivers of London series, which sounds fun – there’s an article from earlier this month saying it’s going to be adapted for TV!

          The description reminds me of a website I really enjoy called Portals of London, which I’ll link to separately. They’re not mysteries, though; they’re more spooky / eerie stories.

        3. Mephyle*

          Speaking of the rivers of London reminds me of Christopher Fowler’s Bryant and May series. It starts with Full Dark House and consists of 13 novels and two short story collections. The overall concept is an Odd Couple of elderly Golden Age detectives in an era of modern technology and modern crimes (or in some cases, crimes that have their origin long ago). Each novel centres on a particular aspect of London history/geography (one of which is London’s lost rivers).

          The writing style is not for everyone, but if it doesn’t put you off, you will likely enjoy this series very much.

        4. Chauncy Gardener*

          PD James is wonderful. For sure some humor there, but not sure if it’s as light as you may want? LOVE her books though. She’s a superb writer

    23. PhyllisB*

      Thanks for asking this question. I love mysteries and have found some new authors to explore.

    24. Autumn*

      This thread is gold, thanks for starting it! My contribution: The Writing Class by Jincy Willett.

    25. Weekend Warrior*

      Robert B. Parker’s Spenser stories. Witty repartee, great recurring characters, and a sense of justice. Some violent descriptions that can be skipped without losing any of the plot. Work through them chronologically to enjoy detailed descriptions of changing fashion, food, and social mores. After Parker’s death new titles are being written by others but avoid these!!

      Emma Lathen! The pseudonym of 2 excellent writers. Banker John Putnam Thatcher solves murders in intricate settings, often with financial angles; a family company, a sports team, among the horsey set, etc. Witty, sardonic stories from the 1960’s to 80’s. If you liked Mad Men settings, you’ll love these. They can be hard to find, even in libraries. I scored an almost complete set of the paperbacks at a second hand bookshop.

    26. pancakes*

      I don’t know how I forgot about him earlier, but Edmund Crispin. Brilliant. It was a sad day when I finished his Gervase Fen series.

    27. Goddess Sekhmet*

      Apologies if other people have suggested these, it’s hard to keep up. I recommend Elizabeth Peters’ Amelia Peabody series (I live in Egypt so a particular favourite). New release – The Bingo Hall Detectives by Jonathan Whitelaw, I really liked this. It’s unusual and funny. SJ Bennett writes a series where the Queen is a detective, the first one is The Windsor Knot. Now this one is an outlier and definitely not for everyone – Christopher Brookmyre is a Scottish author who has written black comedy thrillers and crime books. I’m never sure if you have to be Scottish to like them though. Kate Atkinson wrote a great series with a main character called Jackson Brodie which are great.

  15. probably sleeping in*

    Folks here who had to improve their running performance for a sport, how did you go about it? I recently signed up for squash lessons and my coach has told me I need to run faster. I am definitely not a fast runner, but what I’ve noticed is that I start out okay and then get tired within 20-ish minutes of playing. This makes my whole game suffer but shows up most prominently in my running speed.

    I’m pretty lost as to how to approach this – do I try to increase the distances I run on my days off from squash, or do I focus on increasing my speed first? If anyone has resources or experiences to share, please do!

    Happy weekend!

    1. too hot go away*

      I’ve had good luck with the following: interval training. I used to run this on a track: one lap as fast as I could possible go, then 1/4 or 1/2 lap walking recovery, repeat. That trains the fast. For the time/distance I did longer, slower runs. I’d look up marathon training programs, or something like that.

    2. The Person from the Resume*

      I’d think you should improve your cardiovascular fitness first so you last at your baseline speed longer / don’t tire too soon. I suspect interval training is the way to go.

      In squash (which I’m not particularly familiar) you’re not trying to run for endurance. You need to be quick to get to the ball, stop, and then start again. It’s kind of like sprinting and stopping and sprinting again, right? So intervals would work on that. You’d probably want short intervals at about as fast as you can go with short breaks.

      To be honest, I think sprinting gets faster through improved form which won’t help very much for short bursts in any direction. I’m not sure how you get your baseline explosive run towards the ball for only a few steps faster. I feel like you can train to to stay at top speed longer through a match, but I’m not sure how to improve your top speed much.

    3. Hiker*

      I found couch to 5K very helpful. I used to have the paid app, but I liked the free version better, if either of them even still exist.

    4. Falling Diphthong*

      a) Deep water running at a pool, probably with a flotation belt (me) but there are a couple of people (athletic teenagers) at my pool who don’t use one. It’s a good way to build endurance without impact on your knees and ankles. Not as the only thing you do for your particular case, but could be a good addition.

      b) I was rereading an old thread last week and someone commented, vis a vis an interview with a professional poker player but applied to running, about how the first 90% of a given skill you can usually get via determination and hard work. If it really matters, you can become pretty decent at something. The very top levels, moving up to the 1%, rests on details like your specific biology (sports) and breaks (the arts).

    5. TallGuy*

      I’ll be honest…it doesn’t quite sound like you have a running performance issue specifically, but an aerobic endurance issue. (Basically, the slowing down is a symptom, not the entire issue.)

      What I’d suggest is increasing distance. Or, more specifically, increasing time – that is, if you’re running 2 miles at 10:00/mi pace and then you absolutely need to stop (so 20 minutes), work up to going 30 minutes at a time. Even if you need to slow down to 12:00/mi to be able to run for 30 minutes, the extra time active is what you’re after.

      And if the impact is a lot: take up some other aerobic activity! Biking, swimming, anything. Once your stamina increases, you should see improvement.

    6. speed work running*

      I second TallGuy below, I think increasing the distances will help build up a better aerobic base. Decide what distance you’d like to run easily, then add a half mile to your long run every week until you reach it. You could pick a distance arbitrarily (say, 5 or 8 miles) or pick a distance that approximates the time/distance you’d move during squash (so, if you’re spending an hour playing squash, how far could you run in an hour? For me, that’s 6-7 miles at a slow-ish pace).

      But for speed, yes, what too hot go away says about intervals is the way you increase speed in particular. You don’t always have to go a lap –– you could do 200s (a half lap) but should also probably do 800s (2 laps) or even 1000s (2 and a half laps) as fast as you can, which will also build up endurance. You might look and see if there’s a running group that does speed work in particular near you, sometimes having the group can be extra motivating or provide a little coaching.

    7. Camelid coordinator*

      You got a lot of great suggestions already, but here is one more. You might want to add some strength training. My running coach always says the fastest way to speed is strength. There are some running-specific strength workouts on the web, or your coach may want to put something together.

    8. Ranon*

      Nike Run Club app has great training routines both for working on time/ distance and also speed. I don’t even like running and I found having their coaches in my ear really helpful as I tried to get my aerobic fitness back up.

      If you’re aiming for 20-30 minutes a couch to 5k program is a good starting spot and there’s one on the app, or you can just pick runs off similar time/ distance. It’s very useful!

  16. Cat’s Cradle*

    Has anyone here moved a significant distance with a significant number of cats? During the pandemic we took in a litter of four kittens and could NOT find homes for them so finally admitted they were already home. Those four plus our two preexisting cats make six and they all get along incredibly well despite the whole range of personalities. I love it.

    However. We’re committed to moving out of Texas and are looking into several options. One puts us near family on the west coast and I love everything about that except the logistics of getting a half dozen cats there. Especially the one who gets a nervous tummy just going to the vet. I’ve thought about most options from a pet courier (I want to keep them in my sight), three long days with them divided between two extra-large carriers in the car (the ones that span the whole width of the car – will that be enough space?), to winning a small lottery and buying an RV.

    I’d love to hear from anyone who’s been through something like this and survived with all cats still present and not too terribly traumatized. Thanks!

    1. No Tribble At All*

      They make kitty Xanax basically — you can ask your vet for a prescription. It just makes your cats kinda loopy and sleepy, like my mom after 2 glasses of wine. Try it out before the move.

      I have a friend who drive from Colorado to Maryland with her 2 cats. She & her husband worked up to it by just having the cats in the car (she said they’d go to Sonic and have the cats yowling angrily as they ordered from the drive-through!)

      Cole and Marmalade also did a video walkthrough & blog about traveling with cats. They only had 2 at the time, and since they’re professional cat bloggers they really went the whole nine yards but they have some really good suggestions including a DIY cat carrier for the car. I’ll link in the next comment.

      If your cats wear collars and you have iPhones, I’d spring for AirTags for each kitty. Hopefully they’d just be in the car or the hotel the entire time, but I’d like something that could track them in real-time!

      2. Cat’s Cradle*

        Thank you, those are some great leads and tips! They’re all chipped but that doesn’t help us find one that houdinies in a hotel room which was one of the long list of scenarios keeping me up at night.

    2. Svetlana*

      Perhaps you could ask your vet about something to give the kitties to chill them out a little during the journey ? Not sure how you feel about medicating them but that might be your best option.

      Wishing you luck!

    3. RMNPgirl*

      You could rent one of those Cruise America RVs to do the trip with the cats. I only moved cross-country with one, but she did really well with space to move around. I know it’s not as safe as having them in a carrier, but she was fine once we were on the road long enough for her to realize we weren’t going to the vet. She ended up becoming fascinated with semis!

      1. Wicked Witch of the West*

        Several years ago a friend moved from AZ to Atlanta with one if these RVs. She had 3 large dogs, 1 small dog and 2 cats. It worked out great. They have different size RVs, and you wouldn’t need hotels.

      2. Cat’s Cradle*

        Thank you, that’s a great idea! I do like not having to worry about cats in a hotel room. Or three hotel rooms as most have a 2 cat limit.

        1. pancakes*

          We took our cat on several road-trip vacations and never had trouble in hotels, but they were ones we’d selected as destinations, not roadside motels we had to stop at on account of tiredness. I am guessing there are long stretches of road in much of the US that don’t have particularly nice or thoughtfully designed pet-friendly hotels. And, of course, this was just one cat.

          Don’t forget to pack the litter, food, treats, etc. within easy reach, rather than, say, putting them all in the trunk first and burying them under your own bags. We did do that once with litter and had to rearrange it all in the parking lot.

    4. Seal*

      I moved across country (Deep South to Upper Midwest) with 3 cats 5 years ago and everyone came through it just fine. Each cat had their own carrier that sat on top of the boxes in the back seat so everyone could see me and vice versa. There was some initial protesting when we got underway, but eventually they settled down and only occasionally reminded us they didn’t like car rides. One of my boys is very nervous traveler who hides when he sees the carrier, so the vet prescribed a sedative. I put it in his food, but by the third day he figured it out and ate around it, and handled the last leg of the trip just fine without being sedated. When we stopped for gas or breaks my friend and I took turns staying with the cats so we could keep the air conditioning running. There were 2 nights in pet-friendly hotels that were fine, although I made sure to put the Do Not Disturb sign on the door both nights so no one from the hotel would open the door and accidentally let one of the cats out. Once we got to my new house everyone hid for a few days, only coming out at night to explore. Within a week everyone settled in and took over the house like nothing every happened.

      When traveling, make sure you have plenty of food, litter, and water for the cats, as well as paper towels and trash bags. I didn’t put food or water in their carriers because they were too stressed to eat but put it out immediately when we got to the hotels along with the litter box; everyone ate and drank overnight. I’ve always lined the bottom of the carriers with old towels and brought a few extra. My sedated kitty wound up peeing in the carrier one day, so we tossed that towel, cleaned him up, and put in a new one. Also, make sure your cats are up-to-date on their vaccinations and micro-chipped.

      Good luck with your move – the kitties will be fine!

      1. Cat’s Cradle*

        Those are some great tips! And what a scary moment for you and your cat; I’m so glad he’s ok! I have one who can find trouble in an empty room so that’s good to know. He’s the reason we found the litter in the first place as he got himself trapped in an enclosed space. A week later he nearly hung himself with a towel. He’s gotten better but our house is cat-proofed to an almost ridiculous extent.

      2. My Cat's Humsn*

        Veteran of many 8hr car trips with 2 cars. Seconding the recommendation to take turns at rest stops, to keep AC running..

        Re swapping towels lining the carrier if one gets peed/pooped/barfed on: We line the carrier with several alternating layers of towel/kitchen trash bag/towel/kitchen trash bag/etc. Then it’s easy to remove a dirtied towel, usually with cat sill in the carrier.

        We also go with 2 cats = 2 separate carriers. If one freaks out, they are not confined with the other one, possibly a danger to the other, or to us trying to separate them.

        Indoor cats, so at home no collar or tag, but in car each wears a harness with her tags attached – so we can easily attach a leash if needed – and give us something less slippery than fur to grab if needed. A fussy (but not freaking out) cat is sometimes allowed out of carrier – to try petting/quieting them – with leash attached and non-driving human holding leash.

        Best of luck!

    5. Spessartine*

      I moved from Ohio to Colorado with five cats a couple years ago. We debated a lot about how to handle the cats and ended up just keeping them in their individual carriers, but we did have to split them up between vehicles due to space issues (three in the car, one in the uHaul, and one in my parents’ RV which also had the dog). I was *positive* that the cats would be horribly traumatized by the end of it, but believe it or not they were all perfectly fine! As soon as we let them out in the new house they vanished underneath furniture, but after a day or two it was like nothing had happened.

      That said, I do have a couple notes.

      1: We did drug our cats. The vet gave us teeny tiny little pills, and the cats did not like them and we ended up having to manually pill them most days, which was stressful. Also, one of our girls is quite small, and I had a massive scare one morning at the hotel when she went completely limp/unconscious after I got the pill in her. I had only managed to unlock my phone to google “emergency vet” (we were in a tiny little town in the middle of nowhere that probably didn’t even have a vet) when she woke up again. Super groggy, but she was okay. I, however, was *not* okay and I think that was the last day we used any drugs. Honestly, the cats were fine without them. Unhappy, but fine.

      2: Not a single one of our cats went to the bathroom while in the car. The first day, we attempted to let them out of the crates in the car with a litter box, but none of them used it, and then we had cats running around the car trying to get out, and getting them back in the crates was a bear. They all just held it until we got to the hotels and it didn’t seem to do any harm.

      3: Speaking of hotels, be very, very careful if you book cat friendly hotels. In my experience, “cat friendly” just means you can stay there with your cats and they won’t kick you out. MAKE SURE THE ROOM IS ACTUALLY CAT-SAFE! I can’t stress this enough! The last morning of the trip, all three cats that had been in my hotel room with me completely vanished. I finally found them inside the box on which the mattress sits. Some previous cat had torn a hole in the fabric enclosing the space, and all my cats were inside, which I only discovered after sticking my phone in there with the camera on. But that wasn’t the scary part. Other previous cats had partially destroyed the fabric underlayer of the mattress, and one of my cats had gotten all twisted up and stuck in it. It was wrapped around his neck. I think only the fact that he completely freezes when he gets scared is what kept him from strangling himself in a struggle to get free. I had to disassemble the bed to get them all out. It was a rough morning. If I ever had to do it again (please god no), I would probably shut the cats in the bathroom overnight. It would absolutely suck for them but unless I can ensure that the room has *zero* danger spots, I’m not risking it.

      1. Cat’s Cradle*

        Oh, wow, thank you and I’m so glad all yours made it safe despite the adventures! And good to know about the litter box non-use. My old boy can clear out a whole section of the house sometimes (he’s been examined and the vet diagnosed him as “naturally smelly”) and, no lie, I was seriously concerned how we’d handle it if he used the litter box while we were on the freeway.

      2. My Cat's Humsn*

        Re litter box: Similar here – we used to put a small disposable roasting pan of cat litter on floor behind front seat. Only once in many long trips did a cat use it. (So now we bring easily accessible pan/litter JIC but don’t put it out.) They seem to do fine “holding it.” At home we do remove food/water an hour-ish before leaving.

        Re hotel room – yes! Good to check for and block entrances to under or behind the bed. We may have used hotel blankets, pillows, other furniture, to fortify. :)

    6. cat socks*

      Another recommendation for gabapentin. My vet used it on her cats when she did a cross country move.

      You could look into getting a pet playpen to corral the kitties in the hotel room. I have an octagon shaped one I’ve used for foster cats. It’s big enough to put a small litter box, food and water. It’s lightweight and collapsible.

      1. Mid*

        I’d also suggest the liquid form, as I’ve found it much easier to dose the cats with because you can mix it into wet food and they can’t eat around it, or put it in their mouth more easily than a pill, and it’s easier to adjust how much you give. My cat is generally fine with car rides if she isn’t stuck in a carrier, but when driving cross country she needed to be in her carrier, so we gave her a half dose to help reduce anxiety without knocking her out, and if she started getting too stressed we could give her more.

        I’d do a trial run with all the cats in the car and driving for at least an hour to see how they react, and see if a sedative would be helpful. And even if you think they’ll all be fine, I’d still get some just in case. From personal experience, 14 hours with a cat yelling nonstop does a number on the sanity.

        1. Cat’s Cradle*

          The trial run’s a great idea. Four of them are yellers when we do vet visits so really hoping they calm down after some point!

        2. Jackalope*

          If you go the liquid medicine route, here’s my suggestion: put the medication in a syringe and then squeeze it into the *side* of their mouths, not directly through the front. Cats have a natural bit of a gap between their canines and their back teeth, so you don’t have to get their mouths open as wide. It’s also aimed better that way, and easier to get down their throats. Plus having a syringe come in from the side is often less disturbing for them than going down the front.

    7. Sparking Stardust*

      Along with the other ideas, try Feliway pheromone spray to help calm your cats

    8. Eff Walsingham*

      Not quite the same situation, but I was once compensated with a free trip by spending 26 hours in a van with 5 dogs, 3 cats, 1 man and 1 woman. The cats basically seemed to go into stasis in their carriers and were no trouble at all. The dogs, on the other hand, and one of the humans… but that’s another story. It was quite the adventure as it was pre-GPS and -cellephone. As I recall we got turned around in Montreal, where driving is not for the faint of heart, and we were a 3-vehicle convoy including a horse trailer.

      Aaaaannnyway, even through a ferry ride and the fact that the German Shepherd decided that the only place he would sleep was on top of one of the cat carriers(!), the cats were only ordinarily irked by the long car ride. Yes, none of them ate or peed until we let them loose in the house at the end. (The Doberman Pinscher also refused to pee, which stressed out her owner a lot.) And, even though she was a huge animal lover, my Mum refused to hug me until I’d taken a shower because I *reeked* of Nervous Animal upon arrival!

  17. A.N O'Nyme*

    Writing thread! How’s everyone’s writing going? As usual this is not limited to fiction writing, any writing goes.

    Not much for me this week other than some outlining.

    1. Girasol*

      I’ve been stalled while working on a plot that I just can’t seem to get right, but another one popped up fully formed and I’m back writing again, yay.

    2. Elizabeth West*

      This week has been a nope for me also. I’ve been tired physically as well as mentally. But I hope to get some work done this weekend.

    4. Smol Book Wizard*

      I turned in a Critical Role fanfic for a fic-writing exchange! Reveals come out Tuesday and I’m so excited to see the gift I got.

    5. NaoNao*

      Huge leaps forward for me!

      I’ve published a novella and full length novel under my pen name, which is great. But my biggest “score” is the tremendous amount of information I’ve learned doing market and genre research for my pen name genre.
      I went back to my two ‘real name’ books that had been languishing in a dusty corner of Amazon getting zero traction or interest.
      I completely overhauled the covers, rewrote the blurbs, and am using my new formatting software to reformat the actual manuscript (as one of the books had some odd formatting errors that wound up pushing two words together at times likethis which was super frustrating to see in a printed book!). I’ve also used my newly acquired keywords knowledge to completely overhaul my keywords—I was using keywords like “college town” (smh) for a dark academic thriller set in a small New England town.

      My old covers were “fine” but I read an article about passive marketing that basically says your keywords get people to your cover, your cover gets them to the blurb, the blurb gets them to the “look inside” and that gets them to click buy.

      So the cover has to be *perfect* but it also has to tell the reader what kind of book they’re getting. My existing covers were pretty but didn’t convey the type of book. I researched comps and did a soup to nuts overhaul on my covers, using the knowledge I gained making my pen name covers. They look amazing if I do say so myself!

      I am on a hot streak and enjoying every minute!

    6. Henry Division*

      I finished (mostly) and posted my fic’s first chapter on A03 this week >.< It's freaking 90k words and a little bit messy, but I hope at least one person likes it.

  18. A.N O'Nyme*

    Gaming thread! What’s everyone been playing this week? As usual this is not limited to video games so feel free to talk about any kind of game you want to including phone games and board games. Also feel free to ask for recommendations or help identifying a vaguely remembered game.

    I went back to Age of Empires II, currently on the Saladdin campaign.

    1. Jackalope*

      I’ve started playing The Forgotten City, which for those who aren’t familiar is a sort of mystery quest in which you end up in an ancient Roman city and have to figure out the rules of the city and what’s going on. I’ve enjoyed it so far, although I got myself to a kind of tense spot and am taking a little bit of a break while I think about what to do next.

      1. Henry Division*

        I had a really good time playing that game while I was recovering from COVID. Hope you enjoy!

    3. DarthVelma*

      Still playing ARK. We’re starting to run into issues with having too many bases on too many maps and not always remembering to check in everywhere and make sure all the dinos have enough to eat and generators haven’t run out of fuel.

      Of course we’re going to make it even worse today. Our goal is to find our big base location for the Fjordur map. Right now we have a starter base on a tiny little island and a small base in a gorgeous purple biome. But there’s this glowy cave my partner wants to check out. So today we decide – glowy or purple. :-)

    4. Phoenix Wright*

      Finished Ghostwire Tokyo after getting all collectibles. It’s mostly a mindless treasure hunt game with a lot of fetch quests, which to me was perfect for unwinding after work. I can recommend it to fans of Japanese culture and supernatural stuff, as long as they’re aware that the game doesn’t have a mindblowing story or a deep combat system.

      Afterwards I went back to Guardians of the Galaxy, which is surprisingly long and a lot of fun. The writers seem to have a great sense for comic timing, because it’s one of the most hilarious games I’ve ever played, up there with Portal 2 and Tales from the Borderlands. I want to finish it so I can move on to other stuff, but I also kinda don’t want it to end because I’m enjoying it too much.

    5. Smol Book Wizard*

      I started Genshin Impact! I am unskilled, uncoordinated, 25% frustrated, and 75% delighted. It’s so blinkin’ pretty, and I now understand why the last convention was overrun with its cosplayers (I refer to them as the Genshinites). I need to get all the friendships and all the lore! And also most of the costumes, for my self in this world to wear.
      I hope the gacha will never become important – it really isn’t at all yet, although I do a Wish now and again with my in-game earnings for the fun of it.

    6. Seeking second childhood*

      I just received Stardew Valley as a gift from my teenager, So I anticipate potatoes in my future. :) Also getting Stray–yay!

    7. Henry Division*

      My partner and I started Dead Cells which is very fun but I am very bad at it (my partner is very good). It’s an absolutely wild game, though.

    8. Books and Cooks*

      Just finished Ghost of Tsushima (which is incredible; can’t wait to start NG+), and am about to start, once again, my favorite game of all time, Far Cry 3. I know it’s old, but I love it so much (for sentimental as well as game/setting/etc. reasons–it was the first game I ever played by myself); I generally replay it about once a year.

      (I wanted to wait to play GoT until we had a PS5, which we finally got for Xmas this last year, and then it took a few months to have time to start it and then several months to get through, what with limited time to play and my habit of spending upwards of 150 hours on these big open-world games. [I put over 300 hours into AC: Odyssey, between game, DLC, and NG+, and enjoyed every minute].)

  19. Pony tailed wonder*

    I am seeking wisdom from the crowd. I recently moved one county over and I am wondering if I should get a new doctor closer to my new home. I have had my current doctor for almost 25 years and am very happy with my health care. It would be an hour an a half drive to the doctor’s office. I have diabetes and cardiovacular problems. I have good health insurance. It’s been so long since I have doctor shopped that I have forgotten what questions to ask but my health has changed so the questions most likely have changed for me as well.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      I hate saying this because it’s hard to do- but I think find docs closer to you now and don’t wait for a problem to come up to start searching. Maybe you can get recommendations from your current docs. My thought is that it’s not just an hour and a half for you, it’s also an hour and a half for them. If you are in the hospital that is just that much longer you’d have to wait for them to get to you. They may decide that you are too far away, also.
      Ugh. I hate saying this, sorry.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        I like the idea of getting recs from your current docs. Then, maybe look the recommended doctors up on line and see what their patients think of them. Also, you might not have to change over completely if your current doctors are really outstanding. My dad had his local opthalmologist for regular appointments/emergencies and also his big-city fancy opthalmologist for the sophisticated treatment his glaucoma required.

    2. The Person from the Resume*

      NSNR may have a point. Would your doctor continue to treat you if you were admitted to a hospital that far away. He possibly doesn’t have privileges there. IDK

      I was going to say, though, that finding a new doctor you like is hard. If you’re not happy, you have to try a new one at your next appointment whenever that is. Unfortunately friends’ recommendations have not been helpful to me because their great doctors are not taking new patients.

      I very much start looking for a doctor, dentist, optometrist by how close they to me, but if you’re very happy I’d probably stick with the one you know.

    3. RagingADHD*

      Forty-five minutes’ drive is my limit, even for a doctor I love. If I lived in a very rural area where there were very few options that would be different, but I don’t.

    5. Turtle Dove*

      My GP is 45 minutes away and in the next county to the north. He became my GP when he worked in my town, but the healthcare system he works for closed their family practice in my town roughly seven years ago. I still make the drive because I like and trust him and his staff. But the distance is a pain, especially in the snow. And I definitely seek medical care less often than I used to because the drive is prohibitive, and that’s not good as I age. I mostly use their portal to ask questions and request prescription refills, and they’ve been flexible and try to help me so I’m not driving out for routine stuff. I’ve looked around for a new GP in my town or the larger town next door, but most places are full, so I haven’t found anyone yet. The sticky issue for me is that I have to gamble on someone new, have my records transferred to them, and call the new person my doctor before even meeting the person! Ridiculous. But that’s what I was told when I asked point blank how the process works. I try to check online for available GPs (“accepting new patients”) a few times a year in case someone seems worth the gamble. Sooner or later, I’ll make the change.

    6. WorkNowPaintLater*

      You may want to check with your insurance company to see who locally takes your insurance – I usually check online to see who does whenever we move/I get new insurance coverage. Your company may also note if they know who is taking new patients.

      My current dr. is a 45 minute drive in the next county over…but due to my insurance almost no one is covered in my current county of residence.

    7. Squidhead*

      Two thoughts: If the length of drive will deter you from seeing the doctor as much as you used to, then you should probably find someone closer. Also, if your doctor has been in practice for 25+ years they might retire at some point. Maybe they have a handoff plan with other partners, but otherwise you could find yourself starting over anyway.

    8. SoFarSoGood*

      True confession–my primary care doctor is a four hour flight away, in my old hometown. I have some chronic health stuff that we manage together, and I just did not want to educate a new provider when I moved here many years ago. I see him in person up to twice a year when I visit my family. I go to walk-in clinics for non-exciting stuff like antibiotics, which is more convenient anyway. He is happy to provide advice over the phone in an emergency (though not true telehealth because he is not licensed here), and can refer me to local specialists as needed. (If it is complicated enough for a hospital admittance, it is complicated enough to require a specialist or five, so my primary care doc would not be doing more than quarterbacking regardless of my location.) One county over feels really close if you will ever have other reasons to go back.

    9. Dr. Anonymous*

      Start looking now. So many primary care doctors have closed practices now and it will be nice to have someone nearby who knows you if you should have a serious illness.

  20. Janet Pinkerton*

    What’s a weird quirk of how you learn?

    For instance, I can’t “see things in my head” and do my best by imagining things in their relative locations. This makes me great at quizzes like naming every country on a map with one exception—it totally falls apart when I try to remember which island is which (especially in the Caribbean). It’s like my brain goes ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ it’s an island!

    (If given a map I can name Cuba, Jamaica, Puerto Rico, Hispaniola, the Bahamas, and Trinidad and Tobago, but that’s about it.)

    1. Disco Janet*

      I do subtraction backwards. Instead of mentally thinking of the larger number and subtracting the smaller number, I think of the smaller number and figure out how many more I need to get to the larger number.

      At least, I think this is a weird quirk, my 7 year old who likes to quiz everyone on math facts was horrified by it, haha.

      1. Myrin*

        I think that’s pretty common, actually. I generally do that, too (unless the numbers lend themselves well to simply being subtracted), and (at least in Germany) that’s how, for example, basically every cashier talks about the change you get back so at least here, it’s pretty widespread.

      2. VLookupsAreMyLife*

        SAME – I do it by place-value, starting with the ones & working my way left.

        Ex: 158 – 23 … I start at 23 & go up 5 to get to 28, then I go up 30 to get to 58, then up 100 to get to 158 & that’s how I get to 158 – 23 = 135.

        Ex: 135 – 58 … I start at 58 & go up 7 to get to 65, then go up 70 to get to 135, so 135 – 58 = 77.

      3. Clisby*

        That’s not backwards. It’s just one of the ways to get the answer in subtraction – my children were taught this in school (along with the method of “taking away” from the larger number).

        It’s basically the same as counting back change.

      4. allathian*

        I can do it both ways, thanks to a number of years working retail in my late teens and early 20s, it’s just like counting back change.

    2. Irish Teacher*

      You know that’s called aphantasia? I have it too and it explains an AWFUL lot about how I learn. I didn’t know it existed until I was in my 30s, but yeah, it explains my difficulty with spelling (spent my childhood being told “you should be better at spelling, with all your reading” and being completely confused because…I don’t sound words out letter by letter, so how would that help; that it was possible to picture a word didn’t occur to me), why I am so much better at algebra and arithmatic stuff than geometry, why I can’t draw, why I can’t give directions…

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        … Why I can’t remember faces, why when my husband asks me where the widget is I have to act like I’m physically reaching for it, and in my case, why I read crazy fast :)

        Aphantasics unite!!

        1. Girasol*

          Face blindness has its own name, prosopagnosia. It’s a terrible thing to have as a project manager in…that place…when you can’t recognize anyone in the weekly team meeting and don’t dare let anyone know. You have to guess them by their voices, hints from things they say, and that unforgettable sweater.
          My learning quirk is a fortunate one: My short term memory isn’t quite photographic but it’s close. I can review notes briefly the night before a test and then when I see a question, think “that was on the second page, bottom right, let’s see…ah, I see the answer!” I may not actually learn well but I’m good at tests.

          1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            I’m not quite face blind. I just can’t remember what people look like when I’m not looking at them. Like, I can tell you my husband is 6’4” and has black hair and facial hair, but I couldn’t give enough details about his face shape, eye color, the style of his facial hair etc for someone to even really start to draw an accurate representation of him. I might remember that the grocery store cashier’s name tag had a Y in it somewhere, but I couldn’t tell you whether she had dark hair or blonde, long or short, unless it was really distinctive like a bright neon pink mohawk or something.

          2. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

            I can totally relate to the “that’s on the bottom right of the next page” experience! That’s a feature/benefit of prosopagnosia. I remember reading that the same part of the brain recognizes faces and text. Some people have great recall of faces and are terrible at text, some people have great recall of text and are terrible at faces, and some people have a more even split and are okay at both.

            1. Girasol*

              I had no idea those two things were related. So if people just spelled themselves out, I would recognize them!

              1. allathian*

                Thank goodness for Teams/Zoom!

                I’m terrible with names, but I have the opposite of dyslexia in that when I’m learning a new language, I just need to see a word written down once while I listen to someone say it, and I can spell it correctly, even if I don’t know what it means. This includes diacritics as soon as I understand how they relate to pronunciation. Granted, I’ve never attempted to learn a language that doesn’t use Roman characters…

                I’m not exactly face blind, but I have trouble recognizing people from photographs or in an unexpected setting. I also can’t reliably remember names unless I see them in writing. The most reliable way for me to remember them, though, is to write them down by hand myself.

            2. pancakes*

              I relate to that too – often I’ll go back to a book looking for a bit that really stuck with me or that I want to write about or whatnot, and I generally know approximately where to find it that same way. I won’t have a page number (and I’m bad with numbers generally) but I’ll have a visual memory of where it is on the page and where in the book that page is. Unfortunately it’s seldom helped me with school tests! It only seems to happen with things I care about for personal reasons. Which is probably the same reason I don’t retain the rules of card games for more than a couple hours. On some level I just can’t bring myself to care enough to find mental storage for them! A refresher will generally do the trick but I won’t hold on to any of it.

      2. RagingADHD*

        I don’t have complete aphantasia or face blindness, but my mind’s eye is very blurry and vague. (maybe related to being very nearsighted as a small child and not corrected until well into my school years? IDK)

        When I need to write a detailed physical description of anything – a view, a house, an object, a person – I have to find a photo that looks the way I want, and describe the photo.

        Most of my character descriptions are just height, hair color, a notable accessory, and mannerisms.

        1. Owler*

          I think I would be an awful eyewitness. I can recall enough for a picture match, but ask me to use my own words to describe it and I would not be able to think of enough to help.

          1. Clisby*

            Eyewitness testimony is notoriously unreliable. In general, that is. If you testify that you saw your father or your best-friend-since-kindergarten shoot someone, it’s highly likely that you either are speaking the truth or that you are deliberately lying. You’re not likely to be innocently mistaken. But eyewitness identification of a total stranger? I don’t know why juries put much stock in that, but apparently some do.

    3. A.N O'Nyme*

      When learning languages, my brain is usually good at the easy early stuff, struggles a lot with the intermediate stuff…and then my brain basically clicks and I’m pretty much fluent. It’s a bit like if you wanted to change the language on your phone, but you have to download the language first (not how that usually works but just imagine it does for a moment). When the download starts it goes fast, then it’s super slow and then boom, you have it downloaded and can swap to it whenever you want.

      Also, once I can think in a language (meaning I no longer have to translate stuff in my head) I basically know it forever and can swap to it without too much difficulty even if I haven’t used it in a while, which is handy, but getting to that point can be frustrating.

      1. allathian*

        This sounds so familiar it’s uncanny. Sure, my French and Spanish have deteriorated a lot in the last 20+ years, but I doubt I’ll ever drop below intermediate level. I was fluent enough to go on exchange to France for my master’s degree and to study exclusively in French, and later to go on an Erasmus internship to Spain, where I interned in customer service at a chamber of commerce.

    4. AGD*

      My auditory retention is so inferior to my visual/textual memory that if you ask me for instructions or directions or how to spell a word or what someone’s phone number is, I will probably want to give you a piece of paper. If I write out instructions or draw a map or show you how to spell a word or write down someone’s phone number, it will be correct even if I don’t stop to check it even once. If I try to give you this information out loud, it will probably be wrong because I will lose track halfway through of what I did and didn’t already say. I also can’t easily process sequences of details given verbally, unless I write them down immediately. It’s almost all highly visual in my brain and the obstacle is having to translate to/from speech. I’m starting to suspect that when I remember music well, it’s partially based on very abstract visual maps and colors of the musical work in question (I also have sound-to-image synesthesia).

      1. Lore*

        Me too! I am a theater critic as my side gig and everyone always asks me how I take notes in the dark. The answer is it doesn’t matter because I only look at them on the rare occasion I need a quote and didn’t get the script, but if I don’t take notes I don’t remember anything. God help me trying to listen to a plot heavy audiobook.

        1. AGD*

          I know this feeling too! I take so many notes, and then never look at them. But if I don’t, I remember next to nothing.

        2. Imtheone*

          The physical act of writing stores things in the brain, making use of muscle memory. It’s quite different from typing, where you are just moving your fingers to different spaces.

          1. Clisby*

            My fail-safe method for studying math was to take notes in class and then re-write them in a separate notebook. Not only did it reinforce the material, it often made me realize when I should have asked a question about something, so I could do that in the next class.

      2. allathian*

        Apart from the synesthesia, this sounds very familiar. I can’t get anything out of audiobooks, podcasts, or audio dramas, because they just go in one ear and out the other without leaving any traces in my memory.

        Don’t get me started on how much I hate online video courses. Given the choice, I’d much rather just read the material, in half the time and with a much better retention rate.

    5. fposte*

      My brain operates in 2D. That’s become clear as I try to learn more about physiology, where I can understand a joint when I’m looking at the front or the rear but then you start to pivot the thing and I get lost. I blame being a lifelong Midwesterner where flat is the name of the game.

      1. pancakes*

        I think something similar might happen with pilots when they’re driving vs. flying. I dated one once and he could not get it into his head that taking a left exit would indeed have us emerge on the right side of the road, for example, because why wouldn’t you just steer over to the right directly in a straight line?

    6. FACS*

      I’m a medical person and if you tell me someone’s name and occupation their history unfolds in my head.
      And I take paper notes because something about it records it for me.

    7. inkheart*

      Not really learning, but I found through a Nintendo game that I can hear a maximum of 2 voices, so 3 part harmonies are lost on me, even if one starts, then one joins, then the third joins – I can hear 1, and 1+2, but as soon as 3 joins, it all gets “blurry”.

      1. pancakes*

        That’s an interesting one. I’m wondering how much self-testing you’ve tried with non-game music? I’m not a gamer but I would think the recording and playback specs are quite different from, say, a FLAC file of a non-game song played through top-quality speakers. I would expect game music to be more compressed somehow.

        This reminds me of a fascinating article in the New Yorker years ago about a scientist who studies how the perception of time works in people’s brains. He found that really talented drummers are way, way more precise in terms of fractions of seconds than the rest of us. I’ll link separately.

    8. Invisible today*

      I can only learn by linking new facts/concepts to existing ones. Which means that when im learning somwthing completely new, im hopelessly, cluelessly lost until i reach a critical mass of facts at which point all of a sudden it clicks. And then I’ll never forget. Im still surprised that my husband doesnt remember stuff he learned in HS whereas if i learned it well enough to score well on a test then, i still know it now. (His HS grades were better than mine by a lot, but he forgot everything already)

  21. Cat Lover*

    Alison- I’m not sure if this violates your rules. I’m not asking for medical advice and I’m going to keep it non-graphic.

    Have any cervix-owners here had to have a colposcopy done? I’m 27 and had an abnormal Pap smear result. My NP wants me to go to a full gyno to get it biopsied.

    I’m a bit nervous.

    1. Mid*

      I have, and I personally didn’t find it that terrible, but I’m also weird/have a very high pain tolerance. I also didn’t think that IUD insertion or removal was bad. So I’m not sure I’m super helpful in that regard. The whole trip to the office was under an hour, it was a fast procedure. I felt a mild pinch when getting the actual biopsy, less than a bee sting, more than a mosquito bite. They might have used a numbing spray? But I don’t recall for sure. They did some sort of spray wash thing before getting the biopsy.

      1. Colpos*

        Same as you, I have a weirdly high pain tolerance and honestly didn’t feel anything during 2 past colpos. (IUDs aren’t bad either, just a big cramp honestly.)

        One thing I do want to warn you (OP, not Mid) about is that they will put a weird solution on the areas they biopsy which in turn will come out over the next few days (up to a week IME) and it’s kinda weird. Just a head’s up.

        1. Cat Lover*

          Thank you so much :) I don’t have an IUD (I used nexplanon, aka the arm one) so I don’t have that to compare it to, but my usual pap smears don’t hurt.

    2. migrating coconuts*

      Had one done a number of years ago. I honestly don’t remember anything too bad about it. Just the normal discomfort of the usual yearly exam/pap smear.

    3. Red Sky*

      Had one a few years ago, not much different than regular pap and gyn exam. If they do need to do a biopsy, that’s where I had the most discomfort. Not gonna lie, it hurt a lot in the moment (maybe a smidge worse than a wasp sting), but was over in about 2 seconds, and I don’t feel any anxiety about having to get another one if necessary.

    5. Invisible fish*

      Mine apparently hurt more than other people’s, but the doctor is/was a jerk, so that may have impacted things? (My regular doctor was called to an emergency, and he’s in her practice, so he filled in- never again. Ugh.) Even though it was painful, it was only for a moment. It’s very fast.

    6. Hiker*

      Agree with everyone above. It stings a bit, and make sure you have something with you for the inevitable spotting, but I find getting a cavity filled is much worse!

    7. Lucia*

      Have you ever had other issues with responses to gyno procedures? I react badly to anything happening inside that whole area of my body (strong vaso-vagal response; I can mostly tolerate PAP smears but almost passed out when I had an IUD inserted), and find colposcopies to be torture. I always ask for a topical anesthetic, which sometimes helps and sometimes doesn’t.

    8. Annie Edison*

      I’ve had two – the first one I don’t remember having any issues with, the second was a bit more painful. Take a few ibprofen before the appointment (which I forgot to do before the second, which could explain the increase in pain).
      Another commentor mentioned the vaso-vagal nerve? The body can have a weird reaction to having that stimulated, so if you get a bit lightheaded, just know that’s why. You can ask for a few minutes to rest and an icepack or some juice and it will help calm your body back down.
      Yoga breathing helps a lot too!

    9. LK*

      I’ve had two done and found them to be no worse than a Pap smear. The second one they removed some polyps, so a bit of a pinch, but not too bad.

    10. Generic Name*

      I’ve had two. The first was okay, but the second hurt more. If I have to have another, I’ll have my husband drive me and I’ll ask for a topical anesthetic. If you’re feeling very nervous, you could ask for a mid anti anxiety pill (I think it would be Xanax?).

    11. SEB*

      Nervous to reply here and make you more anxious, but since a lot of high-pain tolerance people are responding, let me rep those of us with a low pain tolerance. They did use a topical anesthetic, but I swear that did nothing. My doctor said it would feel like a quick rubber band snapping against me…LIES. It was pretty painful, BUT it’s quick – super quick. So even with a low tolerance of pain, it happened fast and the pain/shock subsided within 20-30 seconds.

      Now, here’s the part to warn you about. I had a vasovagal response afterwards. I had left the appointment, seemed totally fine, sat down in my car and started driving home and somehow I guess the adrenaline wearing off, who knows, but I passed out while driving. I’ve passed out before giving blood and am generally anxious during medical procedures, so honestly, I should have gotten someone to drive me, but it just didn’t seem like a big deal. So, if you’re a regular passer-outer at the doctor, take a friend to drive, otherwise, I think you’ll be A-ok :).

      1. Cat Lover*

        Thank you! I have a.. normal? pain tolerance I guess? I don’t really have any abnormal responses to medical procedures. I had blood taken last week and I don’t feel it at all. I’m desensitized to medical stuff since I’m an EMT, but this is a new procedure for me :)

        Thank you for responding.

    12. Anonogyn*

      Health care person and colpo provider here. The topical anesthetic really helps. As does the method of biopsy, if indicated. We don’t do the “take a bite out” method. There are other options. It is a brief procedure.

  22. Puggle*

    Wallace is indeed resplendent. What a joy he must be. With the highs, comes the lows. My own bundle of joy (dog) has lymphoma. She has been having chemo and we’ve reached what the vet is calling ‘partial stable remission’ having been diagnosed in September last year. Does anyone have any insights on I might expect going forward? She is doing relatively well, except for some ongoing diarrhoea. I recognise we’re on borrowed time, having gotten this far.

    1. SheLooksFamiliar*

      I don’t have advice, and am so sorry you’re both dealing with this. But I’m sending you virtual hugs, and your doggie virtual ear and chin scritches.

    2. Pippa K*

      My beloved old hound had lymphoma some years ago, and while yes, we knew we were on borrowed time, he tolerated the chemo really well and was with us for another 15 months after diagnosis. He had occasional days when he felt sick, but was his normal self almost all the time, and clearly still enjoying his life. When the end came it was a quick collapse rather than a drawn-out decline and difficult decision. I’m grateful it went that way for him, although it was hard (for me) at the time.

      Also, he developed a deep love for candied ginger as a treat after his chemo and whenever he felt ill. Since ginger can help nausea in people, I thought why not try it? And he adored it! (The vet found this weird and amusing but said it was fine to give him.)

      I wish you and your doggie all the best.

    3. ShinyPenny*

      No experience, just a lot of sympathy. My own pup is eleven now, which is pretty old for his size, and he’s just begining to develop old-dog issues. Sigh.
      You never know what this part of the journey will hold. But there will be a lot of love.

    4. Dumpster Fire*

      My first “my own dog” (i.e. not the family dog while growing up) was diagnosed with lymphoma in early May 2000….and I realized just a few days ago that it was the 20th anniversary of his passing. He made it almost 27 months with a variety combo of chemo and radiation. During the last few months, his platelets were low – he was feeling fine – and I think that was actually what led to his death, more than the lymphoma.

      A friend reminded me to think about it as my dog living with lymphoma, instead of dying from it. He didn’t know he was sick, just that he felt kind of punky some days; so I really tried to do the “one day at a time” thing (which is SO not my nature!)

      I wish you and your best good girl smooth sailing in the days and months ahead.

  23. How to short term foster for adult cat*

    Hi
    I didn’t get a chance to respond in real time last week but just wanted to say thank you to everyone for their tips/recommendations about the short term fostering for my adult cat. I spent the week at my friend’s house and we kept her in one room surrounded by things from home and lots of treats and short visits from my friend. She seems to be doing ok and is curious/friendly to my friend. I, on the other hand, burst into tears as I left and had to pull over cause I was crying as I drove away. Hopefully the next couple of months will go well and quickly.

    1. Red Sky*

      I’m glad you were able to spend quality time with kitty at your friend’s house before leaving, I’m sure that has helped kitty adapt to a new environment, and friend. easier. I know it’s hard to be away from our pets, they’re beloved family members, but you’ve set her up for a good mini-vacay while you go ahead and get settled in at your new home. In a couple months she’ll be able to join you, without all the added stress of getting set up in a new country that you’re personally going to be experiencing with this type of big move. When she arrives you’ll have a home ready for her. So perhaps the delay, while frustrating and emotional, has a silver lining?

    2. Numbat*

      Year of Magical Thinking (Joan Didion grieving her lost husband) or I’ll Take Your Questions Now (being press secretary to Trump and all the accompanying weirdness)

  24. WoodswomanWrites*

    It would be great to get recommendations for first-person memoirs, which I’m enjoying reading. Examples of books that I found to be good reads are Educated by Tara Westover, Steven Callahan’s tale of his survival Adrift: Seventy-Six Days Lost at Sea, Never Cry Wolf by Farley Mowat, and my current read One Hundred Names for Love by Diane Ackerman. I think it’s easier to describe topics that aren’t of interest than those that might be so off the top of my head, my no-go topics are violence, making money, academics, and celebrities. I love nature themes. I find survival stories interesting if they’re not bloody. I tend to find that good writers can make many topics interesting and I welcome your suggestions.

    1. Weegie*

      The Foundling by Paul Joseph Fronczak is absolutely riveting. If it were fiction, it would be completely unbelievable – but it’s all real. He also has a good website with updates on the mystery at the heart of the memoir.

    2. The Prettiest Curse*

      Why Be Happy When You Could Be Normal? by Jeanette Winterson is really great. It’s about growing up as the adoptive (gay, closeted) daughter of ultra-religious parents in the north of England in the 1960s, which she previously wrote about in the novel Oranges Are Not The Only Fruit.

    3. too hot go away*

      Biking:
      Lands of Lost Borders: Out of Bounds on the Silk Road, Kate Harris
      Miles from Nowhere, Barbara Savage
      Setting up a farm:
      Driving Over Lemons: An Optimist in Andalucía, Chris Stewart
      a classic:
      a year in Provence, Peter Mayle
      Labrador:
      A Woman’s Way Through Unknown Labrador: An Account of the Exploration of the Nascaupee and George Rivers, Mina Benson. Hubbard
      — there’s also a memoir of a woman who recreated this journey in the 1990’s or very early 2000’s that wasn’t a bad read, but I’ve forgotten the title/author.

      1. Camelid coordinator*

        Have you read “French Revolutions”? It is a hysterically funny biking memoir.

      2. allathian*

        Seconding Driving Over Lemons, it’s fabulous!

        Gerald Durrell’s books are old, but most of them are quite fun to read. The ones about his childhood in Corfu are probably familiar to many people, but I also enjoyed the books where he described setting up the Jersey Zoo, and the collecting expeditions he organized to various parts of the world, especially South America and Africa.

    4. Cookies For Breakfast*

      I’m a fan of Deborah Levy’s Living Autobiography (in 3 books: Things I Don’t Want To Know, The Cost of Living, and Real Estate which I just started). She writes beautifully and has many deep, intelligent and wise things to say. I find her words very calming, even when she describes struggles in her life, and find myself wishing I had an older woman that thinks and talks like her in my life.

    6. Podkayne*

      Three of the most memorable autobiographies/memoirs for me:
      1. Adventures of a Bystander, by Peter Drucker, 2. Coming of Age in Mississippi, by Anne Moody, and 3. Man’s Search for Meaning, by Viktor Frankl.

    7. Camelid coordinator*

      I love memoirs too! If you haven’t read The Solace of Open Spaces you might enjoy it. This year I loved Lost & Found. My minister side really liked “Here if You Need Me,” by the chaplain to the game wardens in Maine.

    8. Old and don’t care*

      West With the Night by Beryl Markham. Not quite as much flying as you might expect, and more about growing up in Africa. A fair amount of flying, though.

      National Geographic Adventure magazine had an issue with the “100 Best Adventure Books of All Time” that you might enjoy perusing. I’ll post the link in a follow up comment.

    9. GoryDetails*

      I loved all of Tony James Slater’s humorous travel/adventure memoirs, covering various parts of his life from a stint as a volunteer at an animal-rescue organization in Ecuador to traveling around Australia with his sister and her best friend in a barely-holding-together van. He’s snarky and adventurous and cheerfully self-deprecating, and I enjoyed his accounts very much. [There are audiobook versions that are well-narrated by Tim Campbell.] The books start with THAT BEAR ATE MY PANTS.

    11. Bluebell*

      Suleika Jouad’sBetween Two Kingdoms is about her surviving leukemia and then traveling. Grace Cho writes about her relationship with her immigrant Korean mother in Tastes Like War. Even though some parts are terribly sad, I loved Crying in HMart by Michelle Zauner, and though it’s not technically a memoir, A Woman of No Importance about spy Virginia Hall is fantastic. She was amazing, and I had never heard of her.

    12. Falling Diphthong*

      Bill Bryson’s The Life and Times of the Thunderbolt Kid about growing up in Iowa in the 50s and 60s, and A Walk in the Woods about attempting to hike the Appalachian Trail.

      I frequently reread his In a Sunburned Country about visiting Australia. Particularly resonant for me because we were in Australia at the same time and yes, that was quite a rainy season.

      1. AY*

        Bill Bryson is my favorite living author! I haven’t read all of his books yet, but I plan to read one a year until I make it through his whole backlist.

    13. ThatGirl*

      It’s not quite first person, but I really loved Anne Serling’s book about her father, Rod.

    15. Formerly in HR*

      ‘Desert Flower’ by Waris Dirie, ‘The Measure of a Man ‘ – Sidney Poitier, ‘Never have your dog stuffed’ – Alan Alda, A hundred and one days’ -Asne Seierstad, Ron Suskind -‘Life, Amimated’, Gerald Durrell – The Corfu Trilogy

    16. Astoria*

      Wesley the Owl: The Remarkable Story of an Owl and His Girl, by Stacey O’Brien. A biologist adopts an injured baby barn owl. She has an interesting, informative story.

      1. Chauncy Gardener*

        OMG. Love this book! Also, The Good Good Pig by Sy Montgomery, as well as everything else by her…

    17. Hotdog not dog*

      Bicycling With Butterflies by Sara Dykman. She travels the path of the migrating monarch butterflies from Mexico to Canada and back via bicycle, solo trip, no support van just occasional volunteers along the way. I read this book last winter and it inspired me to put in a pollinator garden this spring.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Also on butterflies: The Fallen Stones by Diana Marcum. She went to Central America to help run a butterfly farm.

    19. OTGW*

      Crying in H-Mart by Michelle Zauner. It’s a tear jerker, but I found it really interesting.

    21. Water Everywhere*

      Commenter too hot go away mentioned Labrador which nudged me to recommend a favourite of mine: Northern Nurse by Elliott Merrick. It’s written in the voice of his wife, Kate Austen, about her experiences as a nurse in Labrador in the late 1920s just before they met. Engaging, touching, funny, just an all around good read.

      Another good read: Love Lives Here by Amanda Jetté Knox. Both her child & her spouse come out as trans and the book takes us through the struggles of this family basically reinventing itself and becoming ultimately stronger & happier for it.

    22. asdf*

      beautiful country by Qian Julie Wang – about being undocumented in NYC as a young child

    24. LBD*

      “A Pioneer Gentlewoman in British Columbia: The Recollections of Susan Allison”.
      She writes so matter-of-factly about the astounding challenges she faced living a life very different from her upbringing. She arrived by ship from England in her mid teens, with her mother, stepfather, and sister, and once married threw herself wholehearted into her husband’s world of homesteading and ranching in a remote area.
      The actual memoirs are short; the notes and introduction are longer, but she is an engaging writer and I have read my copy several times!

    26. Frankie Bergstein*

      Shrill, by Lindy West
      Negin Farsad’s autobiography
      Unbowed, by Wangari Maathai (nature theme!)

    27. Foxgloves*

      Into Thin Air by Jon Krakauer is incredible. I’ve also recently heard good things about Leaving the Witness by Amber Scorah.

    29. Fellow Traveller*

      In the same vein as Wild, I thought The Salt Path was really good.
      Also – kind of all on the same topic (Death Row and the American justice system) The Son Does Shine, Just Mercy, and Dead Man Walking were all really really good.
      The Long Haul by Finn Murphy written by a long haul truck driver.
      The Desert and The Sea by Michael Scott Moore, a journalist who was captured by Somali pirates. Surprisingly funny.

    30. WoodswomanWrites*

      Wow, y’all are fantastic, thank you! As a slow reader, I think I’ve got enough recommendations here to last me for decades.

    31. Chauncy Gardener*

      Have you read any Bill Bryson? He’s hysterical, for one thing, and really connects to place, which you may like.

    32. Charlotte Lucas*

      This is old, but Rose Marie (of Dick Van Dyke Show fame) has a really fascinating memoir. I read it years ago, & she really had an interesting life.

  25. Bella*

    Sims 4 enthusiasts! Do you need a computer to play it or is it sufficient with a laptop? My ten year old Mac can’t take it anymore with just the base game + 2 expansion packs and I have my eye on at least three more expansion packs.
    Any recommendations? Is it enough with a gaming laptop? (I don’t want a Mac again) Thanks in advance!

    1. A.N O'Nyme*

      A gaming laptop should suffice, yes – many of them come pretty close to desktop computers. Though considering the code for the Sims 4 seems to be held together with duct tape and hope, it may still have a lot of quirks.

    3. aubrey*

      A gaming laptop will be able to handle lots of expansions plus a significant mod list no problem – that’s what I have, with several expansions and a ton of mods. A standard laptop (not the cheapest but not gaming) should be fine for the base game plus a few expansions.

    4. OTGW*

      An Asus gaming laptop would be a good bet. I use my husband’s old one for it, and it works like a dream. My husband has a newer one and it plays high quality games extremely well.

    5. Raboot*

      The things to look for in a laptop are a decent CPU (more common) and a graphics card (less common).

    6. Disco Janet*

      I play Sims 4 on my laptop – it’s not quite a gaming one, but also isn’t a basic one – I want to say I spent about $700 when I bought it a few years ago. It’s an HP.

  26. Rufus Bumblesplat*

    I posted a few weeks back for advice on driving anxiety.

    I just wanted to say thanks again to everyone who chimed in with advice. I was expecting to have to wait a while, but it seems like my timing was good and the driving instructor I contacted had an opening available. I had my first lesson with him 2 days ago.

    I was anxious to the point that my Fitbit insists I was exercising for the entire lesson, but I managed to get through it without crashing or running anyone over so I guess that’s as good a start as I could hope for? :’) I think I’ll get along well with his teaching style, and he reckons I’m teachable, so with luck, perseverance, and time I’m hoping I’ll be able to get my licence eventually.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      This is a big step- congratulations! Yes, as long as you listen to and follow instructions you will remain teachable! :)
      My instructor had me back into a parking space that was so tight neither one of us could open our doors. I still dunno how he did that from the passenger’s seat. But I ended up being able to park in most spaces without too much concern. My point is that I hung on to his every word and did exactly what he said. I still chuckle at the thought that HE knew I could do it, even when I was loaded with doubt.
      Decades later when I was helping a friend get her license, I could see it myself. I could see what challenges she was up for and would be successful at. We did not park in any tight places, though. ha. Trust your instructor to have a really good sense of where you are at and what you will have success with each time you go out driving. Eat some extra proteins before you go so you have that extra “fuel” in your body for all that “exercising” you are doing.

      1. Rufus Bumblesplat*

        Thank you!

        I’m definitely listening, but following instructions was occasionally a little hit and miss as I was having difficulty trying to get hands and feet and brain to cooperate in a timely manner. He did say that he’s had other first lessons go a lot more poorly than mine, so that was reassuring to me.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          He’s got a brake pedal on his side of the car. He has final say! I’d say if he did not reach for the brake pedal at all you are doing well. If he reached once or so, you are still doing okay- keep going.

          1. Rufus Bumblesplat*

            He had to do a couple of light taps, but nothing major. The only emergency stop was the one he had me perform deliberately at low speed to make sure I knew how to do it.

    2. Laura Petrie*

      Yay, well done.

      I used to have mini panics during my lessons all the time. I also used to hold my breath when I changed gear or had a relatively difficult manoeuvre. I don’t do that now and can look back and see how far I’ve come since January.

      If I could reliably find 5th gear I’d be happy though!

      1. Rufus Bumblesplat*

        So far 3rd gear is my favourite one to find. Not that I’ve tried getting up to 5th, but I didn’t expect to in lesson 1! Hopefully I might be marginally less stressed in my next lesson? I’m hoping I can be like you and it becomes easier with practice.

        1. Laura Petrie*

          I didn’t get up to 3rd until several lessons in so yay, well done you. I hope you’re giving yourself plenty of credit for how well you’ve done getting this far!

    3. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Congratulations! I’m so very happy for you for being brave and going forward with this. Keep up the great work! : )

      1. Rufus Bumblesplat*

        Thank you, though I’m not so sure about brave, I still feel rather petrified behind the wheel. :’)

        1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

          Hey, you were scared, and did it anyway — that is super brave in my book! : )

        2. allathian*

          Yeah, courage is all about overcoming your fears, rather than never being afraid in the first place, which is a pretty surefire recipe for recklessness.

    4. WoodswomanWrites*

      Hooray for moving forward so well even when it’s scary! From a former anxious driver as an adult learner, you’ve got this!

  27. Glasses Are Cool*

    Looking for advice from people who have experience buying glasses online.

    Many years ago, I bought a pair of half rim glasses from Zenni to wear occasionally when I didn’t want to wear contacts (like if my eyes are irritated or tired at the end of the day). Never liked them because the frame looked too wide on my face and the nose pads were annoying to clean and felt uncomfortable. I adjusted the pads so that they were spaced out more, but still find them uncomfortable.

    I’ve been needing to wear glasses more and more recently (dealing with insomnia), so I bought a pair of full rimmed glasses in a narrower frame without nose pads. They seem to fit my face better, but the bridge (18 mm) is uncomfortable. I’m a very petite woman, so it’s hard to imagine I’d need an extra wide bridge. (There really aren’t many options for small frames with wide bridges that that fit my PD range…and the bigger the bridge and temples are, the more likely they are to slide down your nose from what I read.)

    So, has anyone had problems with getting glasses that were comfortable for your nose? Did you just need a lighter frame? Are glasses always going to be uncomfortable because I don’t wear them regularly?

    (Note: I don’t want to buy eyeglasses from my optometrist because they’d be super expensive and I don’t have vision insurance to cover any of the cost. Already have issues with my optometrist trying to convince me to buy contacts from her even though they’re way more expensive than online.)

    1. Rufus Bumblesplat*

      I’ve not bought glasses online as my rx is tricky enough that I don’t trust myself to get it right.

      I was wondering if you’ve had the arm bend of your glasses adjusted? I need a wide fitting frame, but don’t need a huge amount of depth. I always need the arm bend adjusting to sit more neatly behind my ears. It does help with the sliding issue.

      If you don’t wear glasses regularly it may be why they don’t feel so natural to you. Are you able to describe what feels uncomfortable? If the weight of them on your nose is causing discomfort a lighter frame and thinner lenses may help. If they’re pinching your nose a wider bridge could be what you need

    2. St. Mary’s Institute of Historical Research*

      Try bringing them to a LensCrafters or other place that does free adjustments. Just like with back pain – sometimes the *source* of the pain isn’t located anywhere near the actual pain. They might be able to adjust the arms around your ears and you’ll find that it sits more comfortably on your nose!
      I always buy my glasses online now, and I almost always have to get them adjusted. I don’t know if my ears are crooked or what, but they’re never straight on my face when I get them. Something like that could definitely cause a spot of pressure on the bridge of your nose!

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        Echoing this. Having a professional adjust my glasses is essential, even when I’ve bought them in person. And when I’ve later had a problem, such as a screw falling out of the frame, I’ve taken them to any glasses store and they’ve fixed and sized them again at no charge. The only time I was charged after a glasses mishap, it was only $10.

        I also want to chime in on the issue about weight on the nose. I have this exact sensitivity and ended up purchasing the lightest yet durable frames I could find, which were metal and not plastic. I have my day to day glasses and reading/computer glasses, plus a spare for the reading glasses when there was a sale on spare frames.

        My daily glasses are titanium and the reading ones are some sort of flexible metal. Although the frames were initially pricey, they’re so bomb-proof that I’ve had all three for 15 years. I’ve sat on them and dropped them and they’ve always been fixable, and they’ve ultimately saved me money because they don’t break. When my vision has changed, I’ve only had to replace the lenses.

      2. nobadcats*

        During college, I worked as a dispensing optician. I was the person who helped you pick out your frames and adjusted them, measured your PD (with a stick, not a machine… I think I still have one floating around here 30 years later), used the tonometer to test your eye pressure, taught you how to insert and remove your contacts… basically, everything the optometrist/opthamologist doesn’t do. Pro Tip: the eye doctor has been out of school so long, they really don’t know how to adjust frames anymore.

        A good optician knows that everyone’s face is crooked and their ears are not at the same height. If you see your optician put your frames on the dispensing table and make them square, ask for a different optician. They’re adjusting to the flat surface of the table, not your face and ears.

        As for temples (not arms, not stems, not ear holders), I think the average length for them is still 120-150mm (at least that’s what I’ve seen when purchasing new frames), mine are 140. MOST people need them adjusted over and behind the ears with a little twist at the bridge or at each temple to match the differing heights of your ears. A good optician will feel the ends of the temples around your ears to ensure they’re resting comfortably atop your ears, and holding snugly (not tight) behind your ears.

        I advise against adjusting plastic/polymer frames yourself, we have a bin of heated glass beads in the lab to warm up the frame so we don’t snap it.

        And if you’re looking for measurements, the left temple should have three numbers in a row. Mine, for example are: 53/16/140. That’s lens height (very important for people who have bifocals or progressives), bridge width, and temple length.

    3. AnonAgain*

      Costco and Sams Club have eye glasses, cheaper than optometrist office and cheaper than Lenscrafters. You may find it worth the membership fee to get pricing like online, but ability to try on in advance and get recommendations and fitting. I got mine at Costco) Also Warby Parker has stores in some cities. Good luck!

    4. ThatGirl*

      Try Warby Parker. They send you up to 5 frames at a time to try on, so you can get a sense of how they look at home. I bought glasses this way and it was easy. I did get the earpieces adjusted in person because they were sliding down my face – they bent the earpieces back further and it helped immensely.

    5. fposte*

      I’ve bought glasses online with reasonable success. For me the key was building the size, measurements, and other details on existing pairs that worked for me; I don’t know how well I’d do if my first glasses were online. If you’ve never bought in-person glasses, I might bite the bullet and do that for a pair and then model on them after that.

    6. Owler*

      Are there any other in-person stores in which you could take your prescription and buy glasses? I find the in-person fitting makes a huge difference in how my glasses fit. And perhaps once you have a pair you like, you can use those measurements to buy online.

    7. Seeking second childhood*

      As an in between thought is there a membership shopping club near you that you have considered joining? Places like BJ’s and Costco both sell prescription eyeglasses; some locations have medical staff to do the exams. They are less expensive than mall stores and medical offices, but may not be not cheap enough to offset the membership price if you weren’t already joining.

    8. Dwight Schrute*

      Eye buy direct lets you filter by bridge size I believe, so you could measure yours and see what may fit better

    9. Grits McGee*

      Another small face here- the last time I got glasses from Zenni, I ended up getting child-sized frames, and they worked out great. I prefer the solid plastic frames, and they were a little tight the first couple times I wore them but they eventually stretched out to the perfect, snug size.

  28. Cookies For Breakfast*

    The commute backpack that served me well for 5 years is starting to fall apart, and it’s time to replace it. I’d love recommendations for a backpack that can hold:

    – 13 inch Macbook and charger
    – Plastic box with packed lunch (I think this means I need a backpack more than 14cm deep)
    – A tote bag with my exercise kit (rolled up T-Shirt and leggings, fabric chalk bag, and once I get round to buying them, climbing shoes)
    – Wallet
    – 500ml water bottle
    – A book
    – Various smaller bits (pack of tissues, face masks, office pass, pens, mini portable brush, earphones, loose makeup items)
    – Umbrella on grey days
    – Sunglasses case (only in spring or summer, but mine looks like a box rather than a sleeve, so it takes up space)
    – Optional: with warm weather, an extra jumper to wrap up in the evening (but this is the UK, so most of the time I’ll be wearing the jumper, or going out with a jacket on).

    Budget up to £150 (though that’s already a stretch), size between 15-20L. My current backpack is a smart leathery material I like, and while I’m not opposed to fabric, I don’t want a bag that looks very sporty. Thanks in advance!

    1. Laura Petrie*

      I love my Fjallraven Kanken. They do one now that is designed to hold a laptop, although my laptop fits in my older bag

      1. Cookies For Breakfast*

        Thank you! I remember looking at the Kanken ages ago but probably stopped at the size that was too small. I’ll see if I can check one out now at a store.

    2. St. Mary’s Institute of Historical Research*

      It sounds weird, but anytime someone needs a work bag that can hold a ton of stuff and keep it organized, I always recommend a diaper bag. Some of them are absolutely beautiful and you’d never know they were originally meant to carry baby stuff! Tons of pockets (some of them insulated), water bottle loops, comfortable to carry, and I have seen them in both backpack style and in leather (or at least faux leather).

      1. Cookies For Breakfast*

        It doesn’t sound that weird to me! As long as I can distribute the weight between two shoulders, anything goes. Do you happen to remember the brands of the beautiful ones you’ve seen?

        1. St. Mary’s Institute of Historical Research*

          I don’t, but if you search on Amazon for “diaper bag backpack” you should be able to get an idea what’s available… not sure your style but they go from sporty to preppy to super fancy!

          1. Cookies For Breakfast*

            I googled a few quickly on the train and see what you mean. Some of them have very nice designs, and kind of ruin things for me with brand name tags that are very baby-related (I know, it’s just a patch stuck on a bag…but I hardly ever wear anything with a visible brand tag, and when I do, it’s got to be the most unassuming ever). I like the Fawn Design ones a lot and saw Anthropologie might stock them here, not enough time to stop by today though. Saving that for another time!

      2. Paddy O'Furniture*

        Not weird, but not something that most people would think of. It sounds like an excellent suggestion worth pursuing.

    3. Falling Diphthong*

      I’m a big fan of Osprey packs. I have a small one that holds less than you describe but is perfect for laptop + purse + book + a few items; my husband a larger one that is probably about what you’re aiming at; and the first ones we bought were designed to carry all your gear for a week. (For a trip to Costa Rica.)

      One thing I really like, beyond super sturdy construction, is that they have useful handles and the right number of pockets. Not so many you can’t remember which one seemed logical for the ibuprofin, but enough for the pack to lend itself to a variety of configurations and I can remember where I tucked the Kleenex or Kind bar.

      1. Cookies For Breakfast*

        Thank you! I’ve read very good things about Osprey bags indeed. I’m afraid, though, that the design of the ones I’ve seen is what I’d consider too sporty for my taste. After a trip to a few shops, I think I’ll keep an eye out for sales on Away backpacks in the future, unless something similar in design but cheaper comes up sooner.

    4. T. Boone Pickens*

      They might be too sporty for you but Herschel Supply company makes some pretty fantastic bags and they would fit in with your listed budget.

      1. Cookies For Breakfast*

        Thanks, and you’re right – not quite what I’m after. I admire them often on other people, but they’re not as compact as I’d prefer for myself. My partner got given a backpack that looks a lot like a Herschel at a work event, and it feels quite bulky when carried around, but it might just have the space I need in the short term without buying another that looks very similar. I plan to use it on gym days while I wait for the Away bags I have my eye on to go on sale.

    5. HHD*

      Late to the party but knomo might fit your needs. I have one of their very slimline packs, but they have a much larger range now. Mine has dealt with 4 years of abuse pretty well.

      I also second herschel supply, because their options are endless and they stand up to rough commutes

      1. Cookies For Breakfast*

        Thank you! I totally get why you’re recommending Knomo, it was the first brand I ever looked at when looking for the first bag years ago. The Beauchamp would be right up my street, but it’s narrower than other options I’ve looked at and wouldn’t fit my lunch unless I tilt the box vertically (tricky as my lunch is soup, sometimes).

    6. RosyGlasses*

      Timbuktu is my go to – and they are a local ish to me company so I take that as a bonus. I like that they are slimline but still hold quite a bit. I’ve used it as a carryon as well as work pack.

    7. The Other Dawn*

      Is that same backpack still sold? Why not just buy it again? Or is there something about this one you don’t like?

      1. Cookies For Breakfast*

        I need a larger one now, probably around 18-20L to the current one’s 14. Otherwise, I’d definitely buy the same one again.

    8. Lady Alys*

      I don’t know what their shipping situation is, but TomBihn dot com (San Francisco, CA USA) makes fabulous bags in a wide range of styles. I have used the medium Cafe Bag (not a laptop bag) for years and it looks brand new. Their logo patch is not obnoxious either :-)

  29. Myrin*

    Short version: My friend used her well-known blog to talk about a dream she had which was basically an expansion/background lore of an existing media franchise. People loved it and drew art of it, added their own headcanons, etc. Now some guy is making and selling plushies whose design is clearly an amalgamation of a lot of the fanart people drew and whose basic idea, of course, stems from my friend. He doesn’t mention either in the plushies’ description. She’s already contacted him and received a rude answer with him claiming he was only a little inspired by the art and he came up with most of the concept independently and that it’s all been his idea. Given that the original franchise is a commercial property my friend has no ties of ownership to, does she have any recourse here at all?

    (I’ll post a longer version with links as a reply.)

    1. Myrin*

      Longer version: My online friend, who is somewhat famous in certain circles of the internet, had a dream and made a tumblr post about the teletubbies you can see in the children’s show being the babies of their kind with adult teletubbies being metres-high giants with complex antlers and a sinister aura roaming the woods. I want to say this was about two years or so ago? People on tumblr took to the idea like nobody’s business and immediately started drawing ominous and fantastic art of it, all being sent to my friend for her to see and maybe even comment on. A lovely community effort which has been coming up again and again every few months.

      As these things go, though, the concept left the circle of those familiar with its source and people began reposting the art to sites like reddit or imgur, often without crediting anyone. My friend knew about this and was annoyed, mostly on the artists’ behalf, but figured she couldn’t really do anything about it.

      However, about three weeks ago, someone contacted her to let her know that some guy is making plush toys of exactly the adult teletubby variety my friend came up with, and is selling them. My friend didn’t know what to do since she obviously doesn’t own the teletubbies franchise and isn’t generally someone to come down too hard on others without knowing the exact circumstances. So she took to her community for advice and ended up simply contacting the guy, assuming ignorance and the best of intentions on his part.

      Well, turned out he chose to indeed play the “ignorance” card but also being a massive dick about it. He says this doesn’t have anything to do with my friend or the countless designs made by others which simply “inspired him a little”. In fact, my friend made it public only a few days ago that he said “his intellectual work has been so original and independent, and he’s done so much of his own world building, that he now entirely owns the concept and it is separate and independent of work made on tumblr”. Everybody is aghast by this brazen approach but nobody knows what to do. My friend is mostly annoyed on behalf of the people who came up with original designs for the fun of it and now there’s some rando taking credit for and making money from them, but she’s also not too happy with her idea being used like this.

      This is the original post where my friend got contacted about this whole business, with her reaction and a few updates already included; there’s also a link to a twitter thread she made on the topic. And here is the latest post on it from only a few days ago, detailing her inner conundrum a bit more.

      Is there anything she can do here at all and what could or should be the takeaway from all of this?

      1. fposte*

        With the additional info I would guess this is a grayer legal area, in that there could be an argument made for hers/the artists’ being a transformative work, which is an intellectual property loophole. Whether it’s a loophole she’d fit through or not would have to be parsed by actual lawyers, and ones who practice in the relevant areas of the planet; my guess is it’d be harder to prove her rights to anything here than the artists whose work got copied, but IANAL anywhere at all.

        I don’t think it’s utterly unreasonable for her to be somewhat annoyed; there’s often a silent (or even stated) “do not monetize” code in some sharing spaces, and he’s broken that. (I remember somebody I knew selling off-air tapes in a culture where they were traded for the asking, and that was similarly offputting.) But I don’t think that’s a really deep wrong, and that’s always the risk you take of public collaboration with media. So I would encourage her to say to herself that this was a bummer and he’s a jerk but it’s a waste of energy to focus on this any longer.

        1. Lilo*

          The problem is you generally don’t have rights in a derivative work unless you have permission from the original copyright holder to create a derivative work.

          But again, this is NOT legal advice. I have NOT done due diligence. Your friend, should seek her own legal advice.

          1. Lilo*

            I should note a fun example where derivative work came into play. Glee once copied an arrangement of the song “Baby Got Back” made by Jonathan Coulton, to the point they repeated a lyric change Coulton made referencing his own name.

            However, the license under which Coulton recorded his version did not give him legal rights to the arrangement. He had rights in his recording (which is a separate copyright) but not his rearrangement itself. Without the right from the original copyright holder to create a derivative work, he didn’t own the arrangement at all. It was sketchy, but legal behavior on the part of Glee.

          2. fposte*

            Understood. I’m speaking more generally, knowing that Myrin isn’t in the US and her friend may not be either, so US law may not apply here. And my gut reaction is still that it’s likely to be viewed as somebody complaining about their ripoff being ripped off.

      2. pancakes*

        On some points (mostly the reposted fan illustrations, I suppose) it seems like she’s more worried about trying to enforce other people’s intellectual property rights than they are themselves. I’m not sure clear on what she wrote to the guy or wants him to do, if anything, or what she wants to do with her own drawings, if anything. If she wants to try to monetize her own drawings or posts (as parody or satire?) posting them on Tumblr is probably not the best way to do so.

        This stuff gets especially complicated because US copyright law and trademark laws often dominate discussions of this type of thing online, but other countries have their own intellectual property laws as well. In France, for example, there is something called droit d’auteur that we don’t really have an equivalent to in the US.

        If she wants to ask specific things of this guy, she’s going to need legal advice on what she has a right to ask of him.

      3. Glomarization, Esq.*

        Not legal advice, but legal information:

        In U.K. copyright law, if you don’t have the licence (permission) to create an adaptation (“derivative work” in the U.S.), and unless that licence includes ownership of the copyright of that adaptation, then the person who made the adaptation has no copyright to protect as against anybody.

        Also, a mere, vague concept doesn’t qualify for copyright protection at all. However, a piece of art inspired by that concept, and also based on a copyrighted work that sparked the concept, might infringe on the rights of the owner of the copyrighted work. The question would be how transformative that object is from the original work. A court would have to decide whether a “substantial part” of the original work remains in the object, in order for the object to sustain a copyright challenge.

        The rules are essentially the same in the U.S., except that an accused infringer tends to have more leeway in a transformative work defense than in other countries.

    2. Lilo*

      This is not legal advice. This kind of thing is very fact specific so she needs to talk to an attorney specializing in IP, sorry. There are some details here which, if this came in front of me, I’d want to thoroughly chase down.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        IANAL. But I am a low risk taker- so that is my bias. I don’t think either one of them are on solid ground and that is based on my risk aversion that I have. She should talk to a lawyer.

    3. fposte*

      I agree that it’s a question for lawyers in her jurisdiction, but I don’t see much grounds for “your media ripoff rips off my media ripoff.” (That sounds like I have a hate-on for fan media that I don’t, but I think to the court that’s basically how it will look.) That’s especially true since he doesn’t seem to have copied *her* design.

      If it’s a genuine OC, she’s probably got more grounds, but I would bet that no matter where she is, suing about intellectual property is an expensive and lengthy proposition.

    4. Bexx*

      IANAL, but I don’t think your friend has any rights here. From my understanding, she took an existing property, came up with her own twist (expansion/ background) and then monetized it through her blog. Other people added their own art. And now someone else is expanding further in a different direction (make plushies) that’s based on that art, and she’s upset?

      It does sound like the guy was rude, but I don’t think your friend really had grounds to reach out in the first place.

      1. Myrin*

        My friend didn’t monetise it in any way – she just talked about it because it was fascinating! I don’t know what exactly in my comment made you think that but for anyone else reading who might be confused: the only person getting money out of this is the plushie maker.

        1. Glomarization, Esq.*

          To clarify a point that I see misunderstood many, many places on the internet, “I didn’t monetize it” is not a defense to a claim for infringement, whether in U.S. copyright law (fair use) or the U.K. (fair dealing).

    5. Still*

      I have no idea, but maybe the Organisation for Transformative Works’ legal team might be able to help? OTW are the people running Archive Of Our Own and they do a lot of fandom research and advocacy. A link to follow.

    6. RagingADHD*

      The only way she could pursue it would be through a lawyer, so of course contacting an intellectual property lawyer would be the first step.

      IANAL, but I know that ideas cannot be copyrighted, only unique expression of ideas. And you can’t claim copyright over someone else’s intellectual property.

      This is rather like the issue of knitting patterns for Jayne’s “cunning hat” from Firefly. There was a period of time when the original production company wasn’t policing fan art very closely, and a lot of people were sharing and selling knitted hats or knitting patterns based on the costume piece. Then the production company struck a licensing deal to make official merch, and started cracking down on other sellers with cease-and-desist notices. Etsy would take them down if reported.

      You could still make and sell striped hats. You could sell patterns for striped hats. But you couldn’t call them Jayne’s hat, or reference Firefly directly, or use a photo from the show in marketing it. You could call it a sci-fi fan hat, or a space mercenary hat, or a cunning striped hat, a cosplay hat, etc.

      And then Fox got tired of playing wack-a-mole, and stopped bothering very much, so now there are Jayne Cobb hats all over Etsy again. They could get reported and taken down, but it probably won’t happen before you make some money.

      Your friend did not design plushies or sewing patterns for plushies. Neither did the artists who drew pictures based on her idea. And none of them have any rights to the name Teletubbies or the specific world or lore of the show.

      If anyone has a claim against this guy, the strongest claims would be from the original production company, which would probably only extend to the use of the name or any very specific terminology unique to the show. The artists who drew the pictures would maybe have a potential claim, but it would be weakened by the fact that they didn’t own the characters either.

      My best guess would be that this will wind up in a similar place to people who make cosplay pieces. Someone who designs and makes an unlicensed “breastplate armor stretcher” or “Mama Yoda ears” probably isn’t going to get shut down immediately unless the original copyright owner wants to sell the same thing. But they also can’t go after someone else who reverse-engineers their design from a photo and makes something very similar.

      1. RagingADHD*

        There is also the issue that a giant, sentient, ominous creature with antlers that roams the woods is already an existing figure from a couple of different folklores like the Horned God/Goddess, Herne the Hunter, and the Wendigo. So that concept is not unique to your friend’s dream. There were pre-existing archetypes that may have influenced the dream.

        If someone dreamed about giant talking spiders, is that from Harry Potter or The Hobbit, or the Sumarian goddess Uttu, or Anansi from West Africa?

      2. RagingADHD*

        Also: if you remove the reference to Teletubbies entirely, it is still possible that the plushies infringe on the artwork.

        However, in the US, copyright is automatic on creation but an unregistered copyright does not give you the right to claim money damages. Unless the artists registered their work, the most they could do is issue a cease and desist to stop him selling them. They couldn’t get anything back.

    7. Golden*

      I don’t know enough to advise on the situation, but is that the same person who has written as a guest for CaptainAwkward?

  30. Rufus Bumblesplat*

    I’ve not bought glasses online as my rx is tricky enough that I don’t trust myself to get it right.

    I was wondering if you’ve had the arm bend of your glasses adjusted? I need a wide fitting frame, but don’t need a huge amount of depth. I always need the arm bend adjusting to sit more neatly behind my ears. It does help with the sliding issue.

    If you don’t wear glasses regularly it may be why they don’t feel so natural to you. Are you able to describe what feels uncomfortable? If the weight of them on your nose is causing discomfort a lighter frame and thinner lenses may help. If they’re pinching your nose a wider bridge could be what you need.

    1. ThatGirl*

      If you have a copy of your prescription, there’s nothing to “get right,” you just enter it in?

      1. fposte*

        I do find that the correction can be a little variable even with that, based on things like indexing preferences. But I’m old enough that there’s no such thing as a perfect correction anyway, and as long as I can adjust to the slight differences I’m happy with “good enough.” And it is so nice to be able to have extra pairs to leave in the car or to pack when traveling in case of disaster!

      2. The teapots are on fire*

        Oh, there’s so much to get right if you have a complicated prescription–if you have an axis for astigmatism, or prisms for double vision, or progressives for bifocal vision–or all three, lucky me. The manufacturer and model of lens they use to make the glasses makes a huge difference for me (which doesn’t help the OP because I just cannot buy online).

        1. ThatGirl*

          I guess I’m just not getting something – that info is on your prescription, isn’t it? I don’t know what the difference is between handing that paper to the lady at Visionworks vs sending it to Warby Parker. If Zenni or WP isn’t set up to handle astigmatism or whatever that’s a different problem.

          1. fhqwhgads*

            I think it’s more that certain lenses or frames are not as effective with certain prescriptions, or even just the combination of your face shape and the specific shape of the glasses in question. It you go in person, a human might tell you – hey based on the combination of all the things in your prescription and the way this sample pair sits on your face…this is probably not a great choice even if you like how it looks. If you buy online, you don’t have that person to say that.

  31. Victoria, Please*

    Help needed! I rented a car, for a painful price, for 21 days. On Day 18, I noticed that the license plate sticker was out of date. Yes, I very much wish I had noticed it when I gave the car a once-over for dents and scratches.

    I can’t return the car until Day 21, being 150 miles away. Should I call the company immediately or wait until I return it? Also, should I ask for anything in return, since they gave me a car that could have caused me a considerable amount of trouble? (It still could, actually.)

    1. The Person from the Resume*

      I’d wait. What trouble are you expecting? Presumably it’s fairly obvious it’s a rental car and you have the rental agreement so if you are stopped you’re not the owner.

      This happened to me, sort of. My rental car got a ticket while it was parked and I was not in it for the same thing. I just gave the ticket to the company when I turned in the car.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        Exactly. It’s a woops on the rental company, which any cop should understand when you calmly explain as you hand them the rental documents, in the vanishingly unlikely chance one becomes interested. (Much more likely if they have pulled you over for speeding, vs happen to be driving behind you.) I have driven my actual car for a few months before noticing that the inspection was overdue, and no law enforcement was peering closely enough at the stickers to pull me over and tell me.

    2. Radical honesty*

      I don’t think you should worry about it. It’s a rental, and nothing is likely to happen. I’d just mention it when you get back, there’s only a few days left. Nothing else you can do so no point in worrying :)

    3. Choggy*

      I don’t think stickers on license plates are really valid at this point, it’s more the insurance/registration paper work, is that somewhere in the car? I would think it has to be if you are pulled over.

      1. Choggy*

        What I mean by valid is that I don’t think they are used to validate whether the insurance/registration are out of date. I’ve seen plenty of cars with stickers that are of previous years.

        1. fhqwhgads*

          It’s two different infractions as far as I know. If the sticker is out of date because the car’s reg was not renewed, that’s a different ticket with a larger fine than if the sticker is out of date, but the car’s reg is current and the rental place just forgot to attach the new sticker. The latter would be a “failure to display” which is generally a fix-it ticket. Either way though, the ticket is to the rental place, not the renter.

      2. Lilo*

        Not sure, my husband got his stolen (he didn’t notice until he got ticketed for it) and getting it fixed was a stupid ordeal.

      3. Esmeralda*

        Not so. This will vary from place to place. In my state I have to have the up to date sticker on the plate. Can get a ticket for not having it.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      I believe that is for registration. If so, registration probably can be done online. You can call the rental company and ask them to update the registration, then perhaps they can email you something that you can put on the dash of the car.

      In NY, it might be the same in all states, the driver is responsible for the condition of the car. It’s irrelevant that it’s a rental. While some courts might be sympathetic, other courts may not. If the rental company gives you any static tell them that you expect them to reimburse you IN FULL for any tickets and attorney bills you might receive.

      Meanwhile, be careful in where you chose to go for the next three days. Personally, I’d use more back roads or side streets and not park in areas where people get checked. Many officers are reasonable people, if you tell them that you tried to notify the rental company and you will be returning the car shortly that might help. I got a ticket on the registration just after my husband passed. He always took care of that and I was adapting to life on my own. I went to the police station, near tears, I promised up and down that my next stop was DMV and they tore up the ticket. (They would be able to check DMV to make sure I went there. And I did.) If anything happens you may meet a reasonable, logical person.

    6. Lifelong student*

      PA stopped sending registration stickers a few years ago- so there were many cars with stickers from prior years for a long time. See if the actual registration is in the rental packet or glove compartment. That is all one needs now in PA.

    7. RagingADHD*

      When you say “out of date,” how far out of date?

      Most states that still issue physical stickers give a 30 day grace period anyway, to allow for people who renewed on the last day of the registration period but had to wait for the stickers to come in the mail. So a sticker that says it must be renewed in June won’t get ticketed until August.

    8. Victoria, Please*

      Thank you all, this is extremely reassuring! I’ll just alert them and maybe leave a factual review comment. Also, lesson learned.

    9. Rara Avis*

      I did get pulled over once for an expired sticker — we ended up not getting fined because the registration was up to date (the officer checked on the computer), I would recommend calling the rental agency to make sure.

      1. Chaordic One*

        It’s a thing where people will steal current stickers from one car to put on another. It happened to me. I was stopped and issued a warning when I showed the officer that the registration was current. I had to go back to the DMV and show them that the registration was valid and current. They sold me another sticker for something like $5.00 or so. At the time the stickers did not have numbers on them, but they now all do.

        I was told that I should always remove the old sticker before putting the new one on and that it is easy to remove and steal the stickers if there is a stack of them (like say 8 or 9 stickers stuck on top of each other having accumulated through the years).

    10. Chapeau*

      I hate to be the bad news person, and I’m sure this varies from state to state, but in Pennsylvania if you are driving a friend’s car and the registration is expired, you can have your driver’s license suspended.
      How a police officer, a judge, and your state’s department of driver licensing would handle a rental car is something I probably would not want to take a risk with. If your home state is party to the interstate drivers license compact, any ticket for this would follow you home.
      There’s also the (very, very likely) possibility that the sticker has been renewed, but the new one is sitting on someone’s desk somewhere until it can be put on the car. Getting a copy of the renewed registration card would probably make any ticket go away.

      1. Dwight Schrute*

        Yep. Was going to say in PA you’d be responsible for it even though it’s a rental car

  32. Jackalope*

    Okay, there are a number of book rec request threads already, but how about a general book thread? What is everyone reading this week? Anything new or interesting?

    I just finished Empire of Sand by Tasha Suri, and enjoyed it. For those who aren’t familiar, it’s a fantasy novel inspired by historical India. I enjoyed the main characters and how they related, and the author came up with a new system of magic that was intriguing. I got book 2 from the library and am hoping to start it today.

    1. GoryDetails*

      I just finished the audiobook version of SEVEN DEMONS by Aidan Truhen (a pseudonym of Nicholas Cornwell, aka Nick Harkaway, son of John le Carré), and loved it – though that was largely due to the amazing narration by Christian Coulson. It’s a complex heist-plot narrated by Jack Price, head of the Seven Demons, a gang of international assassins-for-hire, and told in a rather breathless, dark-whimsical style.

      Also enjoyed THOSE WHO WAKE US, a Canadian anthology themed on monsters and creatures from mythology – some very good tales in that one.

    2. Irish Teacher*

      I am reading Janice Hallett’s “The Appeal,” for the second time. Read it through, then went right back to the start. It’s a mystery story, written as e-mails (basically it’s the evidence a lawyer has collected to prove the innocence of his client) so I’m reading it again to see what people really meant now that I know the solution.

    3. WellRed*

      I’m reading Falling about a pilot who has to choose to save his family by crashing the plane. It’s entertaining enough, but for something that got a lot of press, it’s a bit amateurly written.

    4. Kathenus*

      I am a big fan of the Prey series by John Sandford (and the spin off Virgil Flowers novels), and have been reading it for well over a decade. I recently started re-reading from the beginning, since in my original reading the order I happened upon them was pretty random. It’s so interesting to see the character introduction and development from the start, making me have a whole new view of the whole series.

    5. A.N O'Nyme*

      Il Giardino dei Finzi-Contini by Giorgio Bassani. It’s about Jews under Mussolini kinda of trying to live their lives while the racial laws are coming into effect. Essentially you’re watching people (especially the titular family) be in denial about what is happening while the story slowly inches towards the inevitable conclusion.

      1. pancakes*

        There’s a beautifully done movie of that by Vittorio De Sica. There were many years, for me, between reading the book and seeing the movie, and I don’t recall how they compare, but I do recall being impressed with both.

    6. The Person from the Resume*

      Let Me Be Frank: A Book About Women Who Dressed Like Men To Do Shit They Weren’t Supposed To Do

      It’s written by a comedian and screenwriter so it’s completely irreverent. It’s brief bios of women from an Egyptian pharaohs to a modern world ranked squash player who have at some point dressed as a man, passed as a man in order to do something. It includes Joan of Arc and a light skinned slave (Ellen Craft) who escaped by posing as a man with her husband posing as her/his slave during the escape.

      The audiobook is read with such numerous energy that I recommend it, but the book has some lovely illustrations throughout.

      Fun and lightweight mostly even though what they were trying to escape might be dark and traumatic.

      https://www.theglobeandmail.com/amp/arts/books/article-speaking-frankly-with-authortracy-dawson/

    7. Lifelong student*

      I read a great new book this week Belle Greene by Alexandria Lapierre. Actually when I finished my first thought was that I would have to post it here. It is a biographical novel about the young black women who passed for white in NY in the early 20th century and was the director of JP Morgan’s library/museum. Seems well researched and documented.

    8. Dark Macadamia*

      I just started “Siren Queen” by Nghi Vo, who also wrote the Gatsby retelling I mentioned in an earlier thread. Both books blend historical fiction with fantasy which is a genre I’ve been enjoying a lot lately!

      1. The Person from the Resume*

        I like Nghi Vo, but not fantasy but I’m about to give Siren Queen a try. I borrowed from the library and downloaded to my kindle last night. Also getting the audiobook but I wanted to start reading in order to try to understand the world building easier.

        1. Dark Macadamia*

          It’s good so far! When I started reading it I kind of forgot it has the fantasy aspect so there was a scene that felt really weird to me, and then a bigger magic thing happened and I was like OHHHHH right, that’s what that other thing was about lol

    9. anonagain*

      I just finished the Joy of Movement by Kelly McGonigal. It was fine. Before that I read How to be Perfect by Michael Schur, which I very much enjoyed and plan to re-read.

      1. Dark Macadamia*

        The audiobook for How to Be Perfect is really fun if your first read was physical! It’s mainly Michael Schur but things like quotes and examples are read by the Good Place cast :)

    10. Teapot Translator*

      I got over my reading slump! I read Lady Cop Makes Trouble by Amy Stewart and The Kingdom of Copper by S.A. Chakraborty. Next up, Mrs Pargeter’s Pound of Flesh by Simon Brett. I’m not starting at the beginning of the series because the library didn’t have the first ones. :(

    11. Lemon Drop*

      I just started Red Clocks by Leni Zumas, set in a time when abortion is illegal. It was written in 2018 as a dystopian novel. It’s good so far but obviously horrifyingly current.

    12. Cookies For Breakfast*

      I just finished The Last Thing He Told Me by Laura Dave, which went on my list when Alison recommended it on a Saturday post. I really enjoyed it, and would recommend it to readers looking for a mystery without graphic violence. I think one of the reviews I read in the past defined it as a book about fundamentally good people forced to make impossible choice, which is spot-on and also refreshing, comparing to the dark thrillers I usually go for.

      Today, I started Real Estate by Deborah Levy. I never read any of her fiction, but her autobiographic writing is wise, calming and intelligent in a way I really admire. Got high hopes for this one.

    13. RosyGlasses*

      Bought and read Lessons In Chemistry based on recs from last weekend’s thread – and read it in one sitting. It was fantastic and I want to reread it already!!

  33. Goose*

    My twelve year old Mac book air and iPhone 6 are both on the edge of collapsing. Unfortunately, I do really like the Apple systems and would prefer to stay in that space. Does anyone have any tips on how to get discounted Apple products? I won’t be able to trade either device in because they are so old.

    1. cubone*

      This is going to sound real cheap and tacky, but … sometimes I just say to friends and family “I need a new iPhone, if you have an old one hanging around let me know and I’ll pay you for it”. I’ve “upgraded” twice this way because a lot of people get the new trade ins and just throw their old phone in a drawer. They’re never in the best shape battery wise, but serviceable for a while at least. And both times the person was so pleased I was taking it off their hands they wouldn’t accept cash.

      This time tho I went with a certified pre owned through my phone company, which was more reasonably priced tho still expensive.

      2. The Person from the Resume*

        I gave an old phone tossed in a drawer to my friend. She used it for a year or more after that.

        I had gotten tired of the battery running down. On my next phone I knew to get my battery replaced for that problem and kept using it until I decided to upgrade for a better camera. In that case however I was able to trade in. I’m sure it was refurbished and sold. So you can look for that too.

    2. sagewhiz*

      Mac of all trades dot com, Tampa. Highly recommend! I’ve bought a refurbed computer and a laptop for my mom, plus a laptop for myself, and super pleased, not only with products but the great support service.

    3. Alex*

      I’ve had luck with refurbished apple products–I’ve bought from Apple, Groupon, and Amazon and all have been fine.

    4. Generic Name*

      My husband got an iPhone X for a couple of hundred dollars at Walmart. Not exactly cheap but way more affordable than new ones.

    5. ThatGirl*

      For your phone, you may be able to upgrade through your carrier for very cheap or free. I know Verizon offers some models for free (it’s a monthly bill credit, to encourage you to stay).

      1. pancakes*

        That’s how I always do it, through AT&T. Click on “upgrade options” or whatnot for your account and have a look – even a relatively old model is not without trade-in value.

    6. CatCat*

      Costco periodically has good deals on Apple devices. Last timely I bought one through Costco, they also had a discount to buy Apple Care, which I thought was great.

    7. Lore*

      Newegg.com often has good deals on refurbished laptops—when I was waiting for the model I wanted to come out, I was pricing temporary replacements and seeing previous models for between $300 and $500 depending on spec. Also a lot of carriers sell previous iPhone models at a steep discount—so you could probably get an 11 or an SE now at a good price and still get years out of it

    8. Lemon Drop*

      Check for a trade-in price – you might be surprised. Apple gave me £100 for my 8-year-old MacBook.

    9. Observer*

      Also, look at getting something one generation back. Apple just released a bunch of M2 MacsBooks, so it pays to look at an M1 Mackbook air, or even an Intel based one. If you can swing it, the M1 is probably worth the added cost, because they made a REALLY huge jump with it, and I suspect they will support those units significantly longer than the Intel model.s

      Consider something similar with your iPhone. The current iPhone 13 is ~700. The SE is $430 and a (new, from apple) iPhone 11 is $499. Not exactly cheap, but SIGNIFICANTLY less expensive than the higher end models.

  34. The Person from the Resume*

    Would you go or not to go to a 30 year high school reunion?

    I’ve made my decision not to go. Grew up in a rural area and went to a Catholic school. Went away to college and was in the military for many years. Now I’m back in my home state but in the biggest city. I’m queer and liberal and atheist. I’ve been thinking that hanging out with those kinds of people would be my idea of a nightmare. I realize, though, I’m mainly assuming they didn’t change much in 30 years whereas I did. So that’s not fair. Getting away from the rural community helped, though. It took me a while to change myself, though, and the military was a pretty politically conservative heteronormative (get married, have kids) place too.

    I had no idea about myself in high school. I had zero idea that I was queer until many years later. I assumed I’d get married to man and have kids because that is what people did. (I lucked out that that didn’t happen because I am grateful I “missed out” on having kids,) And I believed what Catholicism taught me.

    Other factors is that I didn’t really have friends in high school. I had weird interests and wasn’t entirely shy about hiding them. (This was before science fiction was cool.) I had a few people I hung out with but we didn’t talk or do anything outside of school.

    I went away for college and then the military so didn’t keep in touch. 30 years ago no one even had an email address! (Got my first email in college.) And social media did not exist so keeping in touch was much harder and required you actively work to do so than now.

    IDK if this is unique to me or not … I’m not a visual person and I have trouble remembering faces. In the reunion FB group I recognize no one. Even the people I do remember something about (and I’ve forgotten lots of them too) are unrecognizable to me.

    So it would be a night of “catching up” with virtual strangers many of whom are likely to be quite politically opposite of me. And I’m still an introvert even though I’ve gotten over my shyness and I’ve discovered my true self.

    I knew I never fit in in high school. I just thought it was because of the love of science fiction and science and wanting to get away. It turns out that the rural, conservative area was stifling a lot more than just that.

    2. Irish Teacher*

      Nah, I probably wouldn’t. School is just where you are put together with everybody your age who lives in a particular area. Don’t really have much interest in meeting up with people I had little in common with then and probably have less now.

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I don’t go to my reunions. I’m not still in contact with any of the people I went to school with and I don’t have any pressing desire to reconnect with any of them so I’m not sure what would be the point.

    4. YNWA*

      My 30th is in a couple of years and I’m not going. I’ve not attended any of my high school reunions. That’s the past I don’t want to revisit it.

    5. UKDancer*

      No. I hated school. I was miserable there because I couldn’t conform very well and got badly bullied which the school did nothing about. I survived, got the a-levels I needed and was glad to leave.

      I’ve moved city and not kept in touch with anyone from back then. I asked them to take me off their mailing lists when they started pestering me for donations to repair the school so I am hoping they won’t even be able to find me to invite me.

      1. The Person from the Resume*

        I’m sorry you were bullied. Fortunately I never was or it went over my head (I can be a bit oblivious about human interactions) and the bully got bored with my non-reaction. And I’ve always been okay on my own with my books and tv so I wasn’t trying to get in with any group.

    6. fueled by coffee*

      I don’t think you have to feel weird about not wanting to go to this reunion!

      You say yourself that you weren’t particularly close to anyone there even while you were *in* school and you aren’t particularly nostalgic for that period of your life. Some of the people you went to high school with may well have turned out to be genuinely lovely adults with views similar to yours in politics and religion… and you still don’t have to look forward to spending an evening chatting with “virtual strangers”! This is not a referendum on the people you went to school with — you have choices about how to spend your time, and this reunion just doesn’t seem to be something you’d prefer to spend it on.

      1. The Person from the Resume*

        Ha! I think that’s it. I feel weird. I did join the FB reunion group to quietly “internet stalk” people, and of course everyone posting there is actually excited about the reunion.

        1. Irish Teacher*

          I don’t think there’s anything to feel weird about. I went to my college reunion, which seems much different to me as people choose college courses and it’s a College of Education, so we are nearly all teachers and so on and even then…about 20 of us attended from a year group of…maybe 300ish? And that was a 10 year reunion rather than a 30 year one when it is more likely that people would still have friendships.

          I wouldn’t necessarily assume that having attended a Catholic school means people will grow up to be politically conservative, not only does Catholic not necessarily equate to conservative (there are Catholics with all political beliefs) but kids don’t always get that much choice in their schools and most people change their views from those they had as a teenager, but…I don’t think that even matters.

          I would say the question isn’t whether you liked people at school with or what they have turned out like, but whether you actively WANT to go. Is it worth paying for, giving up an evening you could be doing whatever you usually do, etc? It sounds like for you, it’s not, that you can think of better things to spend your time on. I would say the default position is not going and the question is do you have a reason TO go. “It just sounds like fun” counts as a reason, as does “I’m curious to see how people turned out,” but it doesn’t sound like any of these things are true for you.

          I will say you sound a bit like me. I spent my childhood and teen years immersed in books, writing stories and obsessing over history (who’d have know I’d end up a history and English teacher, eh?). My peer group sort of just…were there in the background.

        2. Claritza*

          Right. And the people not going are polite enough to let those who are interested be enthusiastic, or maybe aren’t in communication with the planners at all. Plan something fun for you for that time!

      2. Lilo*

        I actually am still very close to my high school best friend and I don’t go to reunions partially because I’d just hang out with her anyway. We can do that without paying for some event.

    7. AGD*

      I was a lot like you in high school and felt a little weird skipping the reunions so I held a cosplay sci-fi party with some other people to be a substitute thing on my terms. It was a huge joy and we spent most of the evening talking about Queer World Domination. Later I looked up photos from the reunion and saw these surreal adult versions of 17-year-olds I failed spectacularly at bonding with, and felt free. I retain a bit of vague interest in those people but not being forced to interact with that particular small set of people in a repressive environment any longer has been worth celebrating.

    8. Jen Erik*

      I ended up helping to organise one – all girls school, which might make a difference.
      Oddly enough the group that were most disinterested were those who still lived here – I think they already maintained the friendships they wanted to. And, broadly speaking, the people who did things at school – were in societies, played on teams, were more likely to come.

      I’m an introvert, but I did enjoy the night, though I don’t feel the need to do it again. Of the three women who I knew that probably weren’t very happy at school who nonetheless turned up – one left early, one had an adolescent “you-never-liked-me-did-you?” spat with an ex-classmate, and one had a fabulous time, taking the evening very much on her own terms, and was one of the last to leave. (Comparing her ex-schoolmates to terrorists in a final, hilarious toast.)

      For the most part, we didn’t talk much about out post-school lives – and also everyone was much blonder than they ever were at school so not recognising people was pretty standard.

      I don’t think you’re missing anything by not going, though.

    9. Invisible fish*

      Oh, don’t even waste your time. Similar upbringing/location/choices, only went to one of the reunions because a friend asked me to. Waste of time. I’m sure lots of those folks were/are great nowadays, but it was just chatting with them randomly in an establishment I wouldn’t normally go to! You’d think I’d have had more to say to the 80 people I saw every day for over a decade, but no- I’m really, really, really into the life I have *now*!

    10. heather*

      I’ve never been to any of mine. I had no close friends in high school— just people I got along with well enough. I was awkward and socially dense. I have no hard feelings about my (expensive private) high school, but I don’t feel the need to reconnect with anyone there. In fact, I rather hope they’ve all forgotten about me! My grown-up life is wonderful and fulfilling so I am happy to leave more-uncomfortable times in the past.

      1. The Person from the Resume*

        Are you me? I think I’ll borrow “socially dense” as a description of myself in the future.

        High school was not the best years of my life for damn sure. But my expensive, Catholic school provided a good, solid college prep education that was better than the local public school offered so I’ve got no hard feelings about the school. It was the best available to me and did me as well as any rural, country, farm community school could.

        1. heather*

          Amen and amen. I breezed through the first year of college because my high school was so high quality. I am very grateful to my parents for sending me there, in spite of the fact that I never connected socially.

    11. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain*

      I’ve stayed pretty close to where I grew up and I still didn’t go to any of my reunions — it’s past my 30th reunion. They weren’t cheap…$80 to sit in a hotel ballroom having dinner with people I can hardly remember. The odds of the people I strongly remember even being there are slim because I graduated in a class of about 600.

      Eons ago I signed up for that classmates dot com and had a handful of FB friends from HS and even that has faded to nothing. If you really want to reconnect, I’d recommend social media first. With a reunion coming up, there is probably a HS class FB group you could join to get a feel for who these people are now.

    13. Texan In Exile*

      I would go just because I am very nosy and always want to know how the story ends.

      Also, I had no interest in attending my 20 year reunion. I went to ten schools before I graduated from high school, including two high schools. I had not kept in touch with people from High School #1, which I attended for three years, at all. (Partly because no email, partly because HS #1 was in the Panama Canal Zone so it’s not like I was going back there.)

      But another friend convinced me to go and – I had a wonderful time. That common biography is stronger than I thought. And people grow and mature.

    14. Choggy*

      Nope, and wouldn’t give it a second thought, I am sure they will be having a 40th reunion next year but I don’t keep track. The people who arrange and go to those reunions are ones who have kept in touch over the years, raised their kids together, live in the same town, etc. I have exactly one person who I kind of keep in touch with over FB. We went to elementary school together, not high school. There is not one person I am interested in seeing from high school. I’m glad I moved away from my town/state, it was all about status, what your parents did for a living, the house you lived in, the car you drove. Now it’s about the job you have, the house you live in, the car you drive, where your kids will be going to college, how many grandkids you have. My parents were not wealthy, I did not have a car, and was an introvert. My brother was very popular, and the captain of every sports team he was on, so I guess it could have been worse. I am sure he goes to his reunions, he still lives in the same town, has a nice house, drives a nice car and all his friends do as well.

    15. Falling Diphthong*

      1) If you don’t want to go, you don’t have to go. This is a great way that high school reunions are different from actual high school. No need to catch up with strangers you don’t remember.

      2) Anecdote on this that resonated with me: Kid in high school got really into yoyo tricks. Was of course mocked for it. At the 10 year reunion someone asked if still did that, and he pulled out his fancy custom yo yo and put on an impressive show. And now, to the audience it was cool. With a few years outside of high school, they had a lot more respect for being passionate about anything. And a lot less interest in trying to mark out the old targets as Unworthy.

      So I do think it likely that most of them have changed. Every once in a while I’ll hear about encountering someone who seems unchanged from 10 or 20 or 30 years ago, and that both a) isn’t a compliment; b) stands out because everyone around them did change. The one friend who wants to go out drinking on a Tuesday night you’re all 21 is a common example.

    16. fposte*

      No, because I went to a big high school and odds are that the people who come aren’t the people I’d know.

      Funnily, though, I did go to a junior high informal reunion/meetup this summer. It tagged along on the high school reunion weekend, but the email about it included people who I’d been friends with and liked not even in junior high but in early grade school, and it seemed like an easy thing to bail on if it was horrible. And it was really lovely–people were cool adults in their own various ways, people who’d come out and brought same sex partners looked happy, lots of different life experiences turned up. It was an area that politically skewed blue so I figured I wouldn’t be a political outlier, and some people were masked and some weren’t and nobody gave a toss. The people who came were self-selected as people who were happy to see old schoolmates, so everybody was friendly to talk to.

      I don’t think any high school reunions would work like that for me.

    17. Grey Panther*

      Been in this position regarding other types of events, and I can only tell you what I used to tell myself: It’s absolutely up to you, and you’re the best person to know what you’d like to do (or not do). If the idea of attending makes you tense and apprehensive and you hate even thinking about it, then you absolutely have good reason not to go. You get to make whichever choice makes you unclench, take a deep breath, and think, “Yep!”

      If you’re still not sure: Is there perhaps one person from high school that you remember you liked? If so, maybe touching base with that person before the event (like days or weeks before) would help focus what you’d really like to do?

      My personal bargain with myself in these cases was always to say okay, I’ll give it a half-hour, but if I’m not liking it, I’m outta here—I know where the exits are!

      (And I offer all this as one whose 30th, 40th, and 50th reunions were among the best, most fun gatherings I’ve ever enjoyed—but then, our graduating class had fewer than 100 people; we all knew each other, and that made a difference.)

      Whatever you decide, I’m wishing you well.

    18. Sundial*

      I can see why reunions existed pre-social-media, but now they’re superfluous. If I cared what those people were doing, I’d already know.

      Growing up and cycling through a few good jobs also puts HS friends in perspective–some friendships are a matter of timing and geography, and that’s okay. You don’t owe them endless epilogues.

      1. Jackalope*

        I feel like this depends a lot on how you felt about your experience. The OP didn’t have a great experience, and that’s 100% a good reason not to go to the reunion. My high school experience was generally pretty good – not perfect, but I had a good group of friends and wasn’t bullied, and enjoyed a lot of my classes – and so I am interested in what people have been up to. My favorite part of my 20th reunion was seeing a bunch of people that I hadn’t heard from or thought about since high school, who were in my mildly positive group of people I’d known, and hearing what they were up to. We’d all gone such different directions, and it was crazy to think that we’d once spent so much of our lives together (I was in the same school district from 3rd grade on and many of us knew each other that whole time). I don’t feel a need to stay in touch with some of those people (although some of us did befriend each other on FB after the reunion), but…. It makes me happy knowing that they’re going on about their lives happy and doing things that they enjoy. 20 years was long enough that most of us (or at least the ones who actually came) had made it through any early floundering post-high school and had a clear path in life. For me that was totally worth it. Again, that may not be the way that everyone else feels, and I totally support people in general and the OP in particular not going. But I found that meeting up with everyone in person made a difference that social media wouldn’t have.

    19. Not So NewReader*

      “I don’t want to go, therefore, I am not going.”

      That stands on its own- you know that right? You don’t need all that you have here. While meaningful to you and your life, you do not have to come up with 27 solid reasons for not going. You can just say, “I don’t want to go” and that is enough right there. It stands on its own very well.

      I have been out of high school 44 years. I have never went to one reunion. [Insert reasons here.] Bottomline: I don’t want to go. Period. Interestingly they had my address and they were mailing me reunion invites. Then it suddenly stopped. I have the same address for 30 years and no more invites. No idea what happened and not worried about it.

      Time has been kind. As the decades roll by I have lost that nagging feeling that says “I should go”. (My conscience nags?) I have a whole life going on in my new state, I have wonderful friends here and activities. Keep your current life full and interesting- that is what you actually need. You do not “need” to go to your reunion at all. HS is a part of life but it’s not the sum total of life.

    20. Analyst Editor*

      It sounds like it wouldn’t be a fit for you. I went to my and husband’s 10 year reunions in the same year and enjoyed both of them, his rural and my urban one, but it makes sense if you like socializing and schmoozing and remember people.

    21. RagingADHD*

      No. There was no magic barrier keeping me from staying in touch with high school classmates in the intervening years. Anyone I am close with or care about, we either kept in touch anyway or had ample time to find each other on social media and reconnect.

      Anyone else, we lost touch because neither of us cared to bother. I don’t see any fun in going to a lot of travel and expense to hang out with a bunch of strangers that I have nothing in common with.

      If my small group of friends that I am in contact with were all going, I might consider it. But we’d most likely leave early and hang out elsewhere. So it would make more sense to plan a separate trip.

    22. Jackalope*

      I think your comment indicates that you aren’t interested in going, and that’s perfectly fine! We can all have different responses (I personally would like to go to my 30th just because at the 20th it was so fascinating to me to see what people had done with their lives; we went in directions so different than what I would have expected!), but if you find the idea stressful and don’t think you’d get much out of it, it’s totally okay to skip.

    23. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

      Your high school experience sounds like mine (non-mainstream interests in a Catholic school setting). It’s been fifteen years since I left and no one has ever contacted me, not even to inform of classmates deaths. If they ever did, my answer would be a solid no. (Privately, I would only go to set the school on fire, because they had one job and they sucked at it)

    24. Eff Walsingham*

      I’ve never been to any formalized school reunions. I was part of a ragtag group of misfits who went to a few different schools, and almost all left town. (I myself left the district after 3 years of high school and bounced between other districts picking up credits thereafter, so no reunion organizers ever contacted me. I guess everyone figures I ‘belong’ to someone else.)

      Eventually social media was invented, and we organized our own ‘misfit’ reunion. It was in some ways a blast and in some ways bittersweet, as I imagine many such gatherings are. We actually met up in the closest city with an airport to where we grew up, not in the original community at all. But it was the place where the largest number of the attendees had relocated to. There’s been talk of doing it again, but one of my staunchest friends from that era died last November so I might give it a miss. I’ve never been a tremendously nostalgic sort of person anyway.

      In your situation, I wouldn’t go. Unless you can think of something positive you can reasonably hope to get from the experience (material for a novel you’re writing?) it just sounds like a waste of time.

    25. the cat's ass*

      My 50th is coming up. I went to the 15th and had a good enough time, but once was enough. I’m cordial FB friends with a few folks, but i don’t want to spend the time of the $ and fly all the way across the country to hang out with folks i haven’t seen since HS.

    26. Gnome*

      Well, I skipped 10 and 20. You don’t need a reason or anything. Sometimes I get curious about people I knew. I just Google them or look for them on Facebook.

      Ask yourself what you might gain by going. Like, I’m curious how people have changed. I might possibly go to 30 or 40 just for that if it’s not inconvenient for me. Mind, I also had few friends and didn’t fit in anywhere in my class of over 400. Since then I’ve gotten married, had kids (I would probably have been voted least likely to have kids if we had that), changed my first and last names, among other big changes.

      Maybe people changed. Maybe they didn’t. Your decision to go is not some verdict on them.

    27. The New Wanderer*

      I just got an email about the upcoming 30th HS reunion and my reaction was “Nope, not interested.” I went to the 5th and the 10th because I lived close enough that it was reasonable to go and I had some close friends who were also going. I enjoyed the 10th more because there was a bit more distance from graduation and more people came for that than the 5th. But I ended up skipping the 20th because now I live on the opposite coast and am not in touch with anyone from HS other than loosely connected on FB. I have mostly good memories and was pretty active in clubs and sports, and if it were happening 10 minutes from my house then maybe, but as it is, I’m not going to feel I missed out.

      I did smile when I saw the list of reunion planners – the same crew have done every reunion and I find it charming that they’re still close and a few are pretty active with the school/school district. But I’m not a part of it myself, so nah.

    28. Cocafonix*

      Not go. I’m straight and had somewhat of a normal HS experience. But one thing you mentioned was about having trouble remembering faces. Me, it’s just … lots of things. I have a stellar memory for work or other things that are currently capturing my attention. But my spouse is always laughing that he can take me to the same restaurant as 3 months ago and half the time it’s like a new experience for me. A few years ago, an old high school friend – occasional acquaintances now – rang me up and begged me to drive 13 hours to go with her after I declined. I looked at the FB group attending and could barely remember a couple of names out of a large group except for her and someone who dropped me as a lifelong friend spectacularly years before. If she were a close friend I would have gone for her, but she ended up doing just fine. It would have been like going to a party where I don’t know anyone. I get that for many, high school years are formative. But for me it was just 3 years on a journey that had many more far more memorable to me.

    29. NoIWontFixYourComputer*

      I’m probably unusual in that I had a pleasant high school experience, and I still have a lot of friends from back then (late ’70s). I hung with a couple of diverse crowds: band, smart kids, student council. I think that was part of why I had a good time — had a sense of “belonging”.

      I know a lot of people had a miserable time in HS, and don’t blame them one bit for not wanting to do the reunion.

      I would like to add, though, that at my 40th reunion, a bunch of people came up to me and said stuff like, “NoIWontFixYourComputer! How have you been, long time!” These were people who wouldn’t have given me the time of day back then, and some of them I didn’t even recognize.

    30. allathian*

      I went to my 20th HS reunion, but I didn’t go to the earlier ones. My 30th would’ve been last year, but it was canceled for obvious reasons. I was a lonely kid in middle school, but by HS I’d found my crowd of bookish geeks. I’m still friends with 3 people from my HS class. I had more fun than I expected, people had matured and even the ones who wouldn’t have given me the time of day when we were at school asked me how I was doing and sounded like they actually wanted to hear what I said. I have no particular interest in hanging out with most of them again, but there’s certainly no animosity either.

  35. WellRed*

    Scored Stevie Nicks tickets this week but what a sht show ticket buying has become! Couldn’t get a price range ahead of time etc. I’ve also reading this week about Springsteen and surge pricing. Surge pricing is the biggest BS I’ve heard if in a long time. But I’m so excited I teared up when we got tix. Then I cranked up “edge of 17” and did a dance. What shows is everyone going to see?

    1. fposte*

      I almost never see shows, but I’m going to see Nouvelle Vague next month. I’m not an uber-fan but I really like them and it’s a good excuse to hit a nearby town and see friends there. I’ll need caffeine since the show starts at 10. I don’t care if you’re French, guys, if you’re doing covers of New Wave music your audience is too old to want to start that late.

      1. FrozenSky*

        Oh I had forgotten about Nouvelle Vague, I really liked their covers back in 2005 or so! Will put some on now… totally with you on 10pm being too late anymore, but I hope you enjoy the show!

    3. Not A Manager*

      I don’t understand why surge pricing is BS. Scalping is a form of surge pricing – most of those people (or bots) who queue up to buy tickets at face value wind up reselling them. Why shouldn’t the actual artist benefit from the fair market value of their tickets?

      No matter how it happens, a good number of people attending concerts have paid a lot more than face value for their tickets. If you could come up with a way to reliably prevent that, I’d be all for it. But until then, I’d rather see the artist benefit than professional scalpers.

      1. WellRed*

        Because it pushes the price too high for fans who of course are trying to buy right when they go on sake. I mean, $5000 for a ticket?

      2. pancakes*

        I don’t think it is a great value to the artist in the long run if the only people who can afford to see them play live are from the Goldman Sachs c-suite.

      3. The Person from the Resume*

        I don’t know if it’s truly unfair (that’s maybe a philosophical question), but it definitely feels unfair if people seated in the same section have paid vastly different prices for a similar seat at a show. I understand it more if someone makes a last minute decision and buys a scalped ticket at the gate or something. But if you both tried to buy as soon as possible it seems unfair that the price is so variable.

        That said I’ve this surge pricing and huge ticket costs for performers like Elton John, Stevie Nicks, Fleetwood Mac who were huge and are quite possibly on their last tour. I’m not sure if it’s occurring for more normal, younger acts.

    4. Westsidestory*

      Last night saw Jackson Brown in. NYC. At 72, he still has his voice and a tight crew of talented sidemen. Not to mention still always manages to slip in progressive politics under the guise of a good time! The venue, the Beacon, is an older theatre that sells and allow adult beverages in the seating: great sight lines make up for the always-sticky floors! The concert was three amazing hours. We’ve also seen Stevie Nicks (pre pandemic) – she was a bit more fragile then but with support gave a good show.

      2. WoodswomanWrites*

        So envious. I had a ticket to see him and James Taylor, neither of whom I’d ever seen, and then Covid happened. When they finally rescheduled the show in a huge indoor venue, Covid rates were spiking in my area and as an older asthmatic, I decided not to risk it.

    5. merp*

      I have Harry Styles tix for later this year and holy wow the prices. I was expecting to spend a couple hundred but my friend and I are in the nosebleeds for twice that. I’m still really excited to go, but I agree, I wish it was more reasonable or at least that I could have known the ranges ahead of time. And this feels recent, because only 2 or 3 years ago, I bought tickets for big shows (a different Harry Styles tour I didn’t end up going to because pandemic, and a Bonnie Raitt/James Taylor show before that) for $120 or so, and knowing how much they would cost before going into it.

    6. pancakes*

      They haven’t announced any dates yet but I’m thrilled Pulp will be reuniting again.

    7. WoodswomanWrites*

      I have tickets to see someone whose music I grew up on, Judy Collins. Her activist music was a backdrop in my house and I continued to listen to her well past then, and I still know the lyrics of many of her songs. It will be a dream come true to see her in a person in a small intimate venue. I bought tickets for both shows this October on the day they went on sale. Amazingly, unlike most singers, her voice has not changed at all over time even though she’s 83.

    9. Screen Porch Office*

      I’m doing something very out of character for me. I’m meeting my 30 year old daughter in Las Vegas for a weekend so we can see two performers we both like who have residencies there. We’ll be seeing Shania Twain one night and Derek Hough the next night. Spent a ton of money on airfare and another pile on a nice room in a big-name hotel on the Strip. But YOLO, right? And we need to do fun stuff like this this while we can. (My daughter & her husband plan to have kids soon). My daughter lives 500 miles from me so she’ll meet me there. My frugal husband agreed we should do it, so…!

  36. Ali G*

    I just want to thank everyone with their advice over the last few weeks regarding my Old Man Dog. We did indeed say goodbye to him yesterday. We are still reeling, but take comfort that we did the right thing. He’s no longer anxious or uncomfortable.
    And a shout out to Lap of Love. What a great service. We couldn’t have asked for better for our man. He got to move on while on his favorite bed, eating chocolate chip muffins (ha!) with me an my husband telling him how wonderful he was. While I don’t look forward to having to this again anytime soon, I will definitely always do it at home.

    1. Falling Diphthong*

      I am glad you helped him to end on a good note.

      Was thinking of our old man this morning vis a vis my brother-in-law’s ongoing fights with geese: he would have loved to run around barking at those geese.

    2. I take tea*

      So sorry for your loss, but it sounds like it was a really good ending, as these things go. It’s always a hard desiscion, even when it is the right one. You have good memories.

    3. KR*

      Sending internet hugs your way and wishing your buddy is having a great time over the rainbow bridge. I’m so sorry.

    4. Cat Lover*

      So sorry for your loss! I have an Old Man Cat and he’s still going but it will be his time within the next year or so.

      1. the cat's ass*

        same here. We just have to love them while we have them, and help ease the way out when they are done. I’m so sorry for your loss, but it sounds like you made the most of the time you had!

    5. Books and Cooks*

      I’m so sorry about your Old Man.

      We used Lap of Love three months ago for our senior lab girl, who had not just a very aggressive cancer but such a fear of the vet’s office that we couldn’t bear to try chemo (which the vet said would at most only give her another couple of months, anyway). It was definitely the right choice, and I know exactly what you mean about it being awful but knowing it was the right thing. My dad and I talked about it later, and when she started to doze with the first injection, we’d both had the urge to say, “Stop! We don’t want to do this, we’ve changed our minds!” but we both also knew it was time. I asked the vet about this later and she said most people have the same urge, but she also reassured us by saying that she never actually goes through the process if she thinks it’s not the right thing to do, which helped.

      FYI, if you chose to get your boy’s ashes: she came back to us about two weeks later, in a really lovely wooden box/urn with a nameplate for us to attach where we wanted it to go. The box came in a velvet bag (inside a shipping box); it was a really lovely presentation and made us feel again that Lap of Love was definitely the right choice. (I couldn’t watch them load her into the vet’s car, but my husband told me it was set up like a little hearse, with a blanket and flowers and such–just really respectful and loving all the way). I’m sure if you chose not to get him back, their method with the communal ashes is just as respectful, but it is nice having her there in the room where we can still give her a pat and say goodnight and good morning to her and such.

      Again, I’m sorry for your loss.

    6. Chauncy Gardener*

      Oh gosh. I’m so sorry for your loss! I’m glad it went as well as possible! Internet hugs if you want them.

  37. PhyllisB*

    My husband and I are in Illinois this weekend visiting our youngest daughter. We’re an hour away from Chicago and swing a cat distance from the Wisconsin border. We are big foodies. What are some things we should try while we’re here? Already tried the pizza ( wonderful!! Nothing like we get at home) and the Italian Beef sandwich. Any other suggestions for regional specialties?

      2. inkheart*

        The cheese castkle is awesome! It has a cheese room, a wine room, a beer room, a sausage room – or you can sit at the bar and order a “picnic” of food! Try the cranberry wine, it is surprisingly good.

      3. PhyllisB*

        We just left there!! I was tempted by the cheese curds but didn’t know what to do with them.

        1. ThatGirl*

          Eat them, of course. Often gotten instead of fries – or in addition, no judgment :)

          1. PhyllisB*

            Eat them for sure!! :-) What I meant is do you do some prep work or just eat straight from the bag? I’ve never had them.

            1. ThatGirl*

              If you buy the cold fresh ones, you can eat them straight out of the bag. The fried ones at Culver’s and other restaurants you eat hot, sometimes dipped in marinara, ranch etc. they’re both delicious but two different experiences.

      4. Book the Wink*

        Mars Cheese Castle!!! Also, the in-house fried cheese curds at the snack bar are tons better than Culver’s.

        I’d also really recommend Buncha Hanoi, which is a Vietnamese place on the corner of Lake and Milwaukee north of Glenview. There are actually a few really great Korean places in the same shopping center (Kong Dog and the Tofu House, Bonchon Chicken and Les Tour Jour), but Buncha Hanoi is one of the only places to get that specific dish in Chicago. Also, their pho is fantastic.

        Tho, if you prefer more American-centric cuisine, Johnny’s Tap House is across the street, and their pie is EPIC.

        Will also second the Portillo’s rec below. Someone once described it as the most regional-specific chain you could find.

        AND second the Walker’s Brother’s breakfast spot in Glenview.

      5. Anono-me*

        Fresh cheese curds are the best. The really fresh curds squeak a little bit when you bite down. Maybe see if you can find a well recommend local cheese producer and get some straight from the source.

    2. OTGW*

      Portillos! Truly the best hot dog around. And since you’re on the north, if it’s not that far away: Dog n Suds in Grayslake.

    3. Jean (just Jean)*

      The Fannie Mae company, based in Chicago, makes (or used to make?) small cubes of chocolate mint that are really delicious. They have other items also, sold in free-standing stores. I’m not sure if other retailers also carry Fannie Mae chocolates.

      Enjoy the flat open scenery! I love the open vistas in Illinois.

      By the way, how big is “swing a cat distance”? I’ve never heard that expression before. The somewhat similar “there’s hardly room to swing a cat” implies a close, crowded space. No disrespect intended to any felines! I have never actually swung a cat and plan never to do so.

      1. ThatGirl*

        Fannie May is sold at a fair amount of grocery stores, at least. The mint cubes are called Mint Meltaways.

      2. RosyGlasses*

        The podcast “Shmanners” has a great explanation about this on one of their idioms shows!

    4. Cormorannt*

      Chicago does a mean breakfast. I recommend Buttermilk, which has a location in Vernon Hills. Walker Brothers Pancake House is not quite as good but has more locations in the northern burbs.

      1. Pharmgirl*

        Buttermilk is so good! I went to one of the locations while traveling for work and had breakfast there both days.

    5. Suggestions*

      In Milwaukee, Bartolotta’s Lake Park Bistro (food is good, view is lovely). Also Milwaukee, Leon’s custard stand is not to be missed! Chicago: Lolla is this weekend, and quite a few restaurants are participating in outdoor (on the blocked street) dining on Clark Street, so it’s pretty busy. You’ve covered pizza and Italian beef, but there are so many great restaurants of all cuisines, so not necessarily regional. And Mario’s Italian Lemonade for an Italian ice.

    6. Owler*

      I feel like I can never get enough Chicago deep dish pizza, so I will do a variety of places: Giordano’s, Gino’s East, Lou Malnati’s, Pequod…my Chicago friends argue about which is best all the time. If you run out of new things to try, I would hit up a different pizza joint!

    7. Yeah summer!*

      I don’t know if it a Wisconsin thing or the region but they go all out on bloody Mary’s. Google best Bloody Mary in Milwaukee. They are meals.

  38. Mercy Buckets*

    To the commenter a couple of weeks ago who talked about her tubal ligation, I had my fallopian tubes removed last week and it went very well. It went even better because I knew to ask for a scopolamine patch so I wouldn’t get nauseous waking up post-surgery. Thank you to the OP and to all the commenters as I didn’t even know a scopolamine patch was an option.

  39. Typing All The Time*

    Hi everyone. I try to help out some of my fellow writers with job leads and editorial contacts but these days I feel like I’m mainly seen for that. I try to ask about hanging out and getting together but they say they’re busy or say no. Another friend asked me for something today. I feel like I’m a stepping stone. Is there a way I can set boundaries without ruffling feathers or losing friendships?

    1. fposte*

      I’m an academic, so friendships blended with work are definitely my territory. But that can make it hard to tell if these are people who would be friends without the work, and what that would look like.

      I would try considering the sharing info as networking rather than friendship, and decide if you want to keep doing it or not in that light. Honestly, it sounds like the people you’re doing it with are considering it the same. I think it’s fine to decide that you really like being able to offer these kinds of tips to people even if it’s not reciprocal and to continue doing it, so long as you understand that you’re doing it with colleagues and not friends. (Or they may be more conference friends than social-time friends–if you attend similar events you could see if they want to meet up then.)

    2. RagingADHD*

      I think it’s not so much that you’re a stepping stone as that they see it as a business contact while you see it as a personal friendship. Neither one is right or wrong.

      Have you asked any of these folks for business favors later on? Or received favors from people who were happy to have been referred? That’s usually how reciprocation works in business.

      If you are always helping people who are not in a position to return the favor (because they are less successful, because they don’t know anyone you don’t already know, etc) then maybe it’s time to be more selective or to offload some of this. Like writing up a list of FAQs or links for leads instead of spending time answering questions. Or just saying you don’t have time.

  40. NoLongerFencer*

    Baby is 4mos old and kicking up a storm! So full of energy. Is toddler soccer a thing? Also, what fun things can I do with baby who is absurdly wiggly but hasn’t yet rolled over entirely, neck muscles sorta decent? We do oodles of tummy time but he wants more of everything. We put him in a chair with a mini crinkle ball he’s kicking like a soccer ball.

    1. Falling Diphthong*

      Does he like walking dangling from fingers? At five months my daughter got obsessed with this, and I got a couple of museum memberships because I was getting really bored going up and down our small apartment.

      1. NoLongerFencer*

        He’s not walking nor crawling yet (just crawling in place and tummy time) and kicking a ton in his seat. Will keep this in mind though!

    2. Macaroni Penguin*

      I like blowing bubbles over my little one.
      We also took him for story time at the library.

    3. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

      Do you know about the doorway jumper things? It’s like a swing seat on bungee cords that hangs from the top of a doorway so the kid can bounce.

      1. Cat’s Cradle*

        Do those still exist? My brother had one back in the 80s and older-child me was so jealous. He had so much fun in that!

      2. The OG Sleepless*

        My baby knowledge is 20 years out of date, but when I was dealing with such things in the early 2000s, the doorway jumpers weren’t recommended due to concerns about excessive strain on baby’s legs. That may have changes.

    4. Fellow Traveller*

      Sounds adorable!
      You could get a baby gym with hanging toys. I liked hanging a bell from my to see if my kids could find a connection between hitting the bell and the jingling noise.
      Also i’m not sure what kind of chair you have, but the Baby Bjorn bouncer is lovely because the baby can make it bounce by moving their body, and I thought that was kind of neat. (Plus it folds flat for storage.)

    5. Anono-me*

      There are activity blankets made of mirror, corduroy, silk and furry fabrics, with Flaps, velcro etc. There are also water activity blankets, basically imagin a ziplock bag filled 1/4 full with water glitter and some plastic cutouts, but no air; only 100 times bigger.

      Target has small wooden boxes with things to spin, beads to move, switches to move, and more. (People also diy these, but safety probably varies. )

  41. OTGW*

    This is a weird question, but talking with friends and just listening to a lot of reddit stories has me thinking:

    If you generally get along well with your parents (or guardians)/have a close relationship with them, do you still maintain tight boundaries? Like, do you tell them everything? Are you open about feelings? Do you pop around each other’s homes (assuming that’s feasible) without much notice? Is there anything that you refuse to talk/do with your parents?

    I ask because my parents and I get along really well, and we talk about pretty much anything. Feelings are a little touch and go, admittedly, but we’re otherwise pretty open with each other. And sometimes, I feel like…. we’re the weird ones? I can drop by on my parents whenever I want, and the only reason they don’t drop by to me is cause my spouse doesn’t like it, which is totally fair and we respect that. And some friends (and scenarios on social media) makes it feel like my relationship with my parents is not necessarily normal.

    I don’t know what I’m asking exactly, but I’m just wondering what other people’s relationships are like.

    1. The Person from the Resume*

      A slightly different answer than what you asked, but …

      I don’t think of having boundaries in relation to my parents. We do; we’re probably on the undersharing side, but we’re just very reserved people. It’s our relationship. We never had to “set boundaries” and fight to keep people from crossing them.

      I think if your family doesn’t have a boundaries problem then you don’t actually have to set them or firmly enforce them.

      There’s lots that I don’t talk to my parents about but that’s just because I/we don’t talk about that stuff naturally not because it’s off limits.

      We don’t drop in either, but I don’t drop in with anyone and they live over an hour away. I’d consider it impolite to just show up at someone’s house.

      Hell, I don’t really call it a boundary but my parents and nearly all my friends (except for one) text before calling to ask if it’s a good time.

    2. Not A Manager*

      I don’t think that’s weird at all. The important thing is that everyone is genuinely comfortable with the set-up, they’re able to say when they are not comfortable, and their preferences are respected. From what you say about the dropping in, it sounds like this is your situation. Your folks used to drop in, someone spoke up, and their boundaries are honored. Sounds great to me!

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I’m tolerably close with my parents, we vacation together probably more than me and my spouse do :-P (they are also Disney nerds, per the vacation thread above, and he is not.) When I moved back to the Midwest I specifically moved far enough away that nobody would surprise visit me, it’s long enough (3.5 hours drive roughly) that it has to be planned. But I don’t like ANYONE showing up unexpectedly, it’s not specific to my parents. We talk about most things. There’s a few topics I avoid, mostly political and financial, but again I don’t talk about those things with pretty much anyone. They’re more likely to come to me than for me to go there, because I have dogs and they prefer a pet-free house, but they come by my house for a brief stay (usually on their way somewhere, they either stay the night on a road trip or if they fly they fly out of my airport) five or six times a year.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      Boundaries get enforced because there is a problem of some sort.

      I think there are basic courtesies such as not talking about sex life, substance usage and so on. A spouse might have a particular request like you show here, “call first!”. That’s a boundary- but no one objects so it feels like less of a boundary somehow? So it sort of slides over the column for courtesies. I have friends who won’t deal with dogs. I don’t think that’s a boundary, I think it’s a courtesy they let me know and I reply by keeping my dog away from them.

      When relationships are good, it’s a matter of “how do I insure you are comfortable with me?”. When relationships aren’t so good, it’s easier to think of it as boundaries.

      1. fueled by coffee*

        Yes, this! I am fairly close with my parents, and for the most part don’t need to draw up a strict set of “boundaries” because we’re all fairly comfortable with the situation. When someone does cross a line, that’s when you need to have a conversation. In my case, that might be telling my mother that she needs to complain about her MIL — my grandmother — to someone other than me. But I’m generally fine with the level of sharing during our conversations, so I don’t feel like I need to constantly enforce “boundaries.”

    5. Irish Teacher*

      I still live with my mum (my father has died) and yes, I tell her most stuff. I was a little more reticient with my father because he was very anxious. Still didn’t keep things from him but like if I were going abroad, I wouldn’t tell him until shortly before the trip, so he had less time to worry about my getting lost/mugged/raped/the plane crashing.

      My sister, who lives in a nearby city with her partner and son, texts the evening before or sometimes the morning that, they intend to call around.

      I think a certain amount of why you feel your family is odd might be because people tend to talk online about things they are having problems with. Among my friends, most seem to have similar relationships with their parents to mine. One friend is extremely close to her mother, to the point that they socialise together, her mother joins us when we are meeting up, etc. That is not something I’d do. Sure, I’d go to a concert or something with my mum if she wanted to (and would have loved to go see a murder mystery with my dad if he’d go, but I doubt he would have either been willing to pay for a theatre ticket or to put me to the cost of buying one for him) but it would be a one-off, not a case of “I’ll ask my mum if she wants to come” every time I was going somewhere with my friends. But yeah, most of us aren’t posting about how to maintain boundaries with our parents, because they aren’t an issue.

    6. Missb*

      My parents were/are both narcissistic, so my relationship with them has always been weird. My father died about 8 years ago; he never really got to know his grandkids. He moved across the country to Florida to retire around the times my kids were babies. We’d talk once a month, but he never asked about the kids. His wife always asked, bless her heart. When my parents divorced (I was in elementary school), he only wanted one of my brothers, not my other brother (adopted) or me (a girl).

      When my kids were growing up, my mom never had the opportunity to have my kids on overnight visits. Many reasons for this; all rooted in basic safety. We were never close, even growing up. She didn’t talk about very basic biological functions. The first time I had my period, I thought I was dying. I talk to her about once a week, or rather, I listen to her talk about once a week. She doesn’t provide advice and I don’t ask.

      I’m grateful that dh’s parents are quite normal – they’re grandma/grandpa to my now grown kids.

      I talk to my (adult) kids nearly every day. The youngest is often on adventures (currently doing a hiking/climbing trip somewhere remotely in the mountains of another country where he helicoptered in and the only contact is an emergency sat phone) but he still texts or calls or facetimes every few days otherwise. The oldest son texts me every day, multiple times and sometimes calls me when he’s out walking his dog. They both ask for cooking advice and one is a gardener like me. We connect on so many levels, and that’s intentional. I’m interested in them and their lives.

      I will say that my two brothers and I have fabulous relationships. We each live about 15 minutes away from each other, and this state is not the one we were born in or lived in when we were kids. It is nice we’ve ended up in the same spot. I talk/text/see them all the time. They’re family. I can pop in and chat with them at any time, and they stop over here frequently. My mom, not so much. I recently spoke at an uncle’s funeral service and I realized as I was composing what I’d talk about – he was much more of a parent to me than my own.

      Family is often what you make of it. I feel lucky in that my childhood wasn’t filled with abuse or neglect. I just never had a close relationship with either parent.

      1. allathian*

        And you got exceptionally lucky as well, having two narcissistic parents could’ve turned out so much worse.

    7. UKDancer*

      I get on well with my parents and we’re close. We speak most days and talk about most things. Not sex because that’s not something we’re comfortable talking about but pretty much everything else with Mum and a lot of things with Dad. I don’t tend to discuss my love life or feelings with Dad because he’s less comfortable with that.

      I don’t live near my parents so we arrange visits rather than dropping in. We’re not really into dropping in because it’s not always convenient and we all have lives and hobbies. We arrange to see each other fairly often (every 4-6 weeks) and sometimes go on holiday.

    8. RagingADHD*

      I have a really good relationship with my dad, but it did require some mutual adjustment. When you have healthy boundaries inside yourself and you are dealing with a reasonable person who isn’t deliberately trying to overstep, then you don’t really have to “set boundaries” in an overt or intentional way. They just happen naturally and nobody minds.

      For example, when we first moved into our current house, we gave my dad a key for emergencies. He was a little too casual about dropping in unannounced – until he walked in on me running around in a towel after my shower. It wasn’t horrible or mortifying, but it wasn’t comfortable for either of us, and now he calls first. It wasn’t a conflict, just an adjustment.

      One of the hallmarks of dysfunctional relationships is that they are rigid: People have fixed roles. Interactions are transactional. There is a lot of rules-lawyering.

      The healthier a relationship is, the more it runs on sound general principles like respect, fairness, balance, and affection. All of which can be applied differently in different situations.

    9. Sabine the Very Mean*

      I’m close to my mom. We speak on the phone every couple of months and text once a week or so. See each other once a year. Maybe twice. She would never ask how much I make or spend like my father does who I’m not close to. He tramples boundaries and she does not. I don’t even really have to name my boundaries with her—she observes and acts accordingly. I don’t tell her everything yet I could without judgement. We are mother and daughter, not friends.

      1. NancyDrew*

        Genuinely confused — you classify yourself as close to your mom, but you only speak every couple of months? (Not judging, just gobsmacked if that’s not a typo!)

        I’m very close to my mom and we talk once a day (sometimes twice if I FaceTime her with the kids before their bed) and text multiple times a day, including on a 1:1 thread, a group thread with other family members, and a thread where all my fellow Bravo watchers and I share Bravo news.

    10. RMNPgirl*

      I’m an only child and very close with my parents (I’m 38), I consider them two of my best friends. Part of this is because we have a lot of the same likes/dislikes and beliefs and views of the world. We also just have a lot of fun together. When I lived near them, we did not drop by each other’s places unexpectedly because well I did once and turns out they were “busy” so after that it was always call or text first! Now I live a couple states away but we see each other every month usually and talk on the phone every day.
      In terms of boundaries, we don’t have a lot other than really personal information – like sex. I have a few more with my dad in terms of medical information, but my mom knows everything going on with me and my body. I know when my mom annoys my dad and vice versa. I’m open with them when I need time, my dad was visiting for a week once and I straight up asked him to leave a day early because I wanted my space back.
      From my experience, I do think my parents and I have a relationship that is not as common but I don’t think it’s weird. It’s great to be close with your parents.

    11. mreasy*

      My parents and I get along great, and always have – but I have also been in lots of therapy about the emotional issues their inability to express feelings and general withholding natures have caused. I’m in my 40s and finally able to accept the limits of our relationship without resentment. My sister is the same way with them – it’s taken time. I am not local but they hang out a ton and are drop-in friendly. I’m definitely very lucky.

    12. Despachito*

      Consider yourself very lucky, not everyone is blessed with such a good relationship!

      I don’t have parents anymore but I have my guardians (been with them since my teens). We live about 5 mins walk apart. I call them almost every day, and I can drop by whenever I want. I always call first and confirm though. I am a bit more reserved about visits at my place (mainly because we have to tidy up before, haha), but if they want to come they call first as well. We have keys to each other’s places (which come out handy several times in emergencies) but NEVER would come and open the door by ourselves, so we never walked son each other and surprised them. ( I observed this in my grandparents’ generation that they were much more open and it was common to just drop by without announcing themselves, and it caused some minor clashes with my parents’ generation who were much more reserved in this)

      When I bake something / have excess of fruit, I often call them and offer them some.

      We talk about basically everything that happens in our lives, and I think it is feasible because we very rarely, if ever, criticize each other’s choices.

      I consider myself to be very lucky to have such a relationship. As someone said, with some people, you do not need to enforce boundaries, because both parties have them relatively at the same place and would not trample them. I liked the word “adjustment” one of the commenters used if there is a minor clash

      As I said, count your blessings because a good relationship like yours IS a huge one and a lot of people would envy you.

    13. Felis alwayshungryis*

      I live about 100m from my parents, and it’s fine for us. I will sometimes drop in if my daughter (5) wants to raid their biscuit supply, and we’ll always pop in to borrow flour or sugar or vanilla essence or whatever, but in the main it’s like being neighbours who get along well.

      I get along well with them, but because we’re Very British, no, we don’t talk feelings. We talk a lot about the trials of parenting, and can discuss politics etc., but she doesn’t know I take antidepressants and we don’t agree on some things. But it’s really nice for my daughter to have her grandparents so close – I didn’t have that, and it’s brilliant that we can drop her there for an hour or two. Soon she’ll be able to go there herself. In all I think our relationship is healthy – we look out for each other and help anytime but don’t live in each other’s pockets.

    14. Lemon meringue*

      My relationship with my mother requires many a boundary. On my end, I have to carefully curate everything I say, and on her end, she feels pretty entitled to my time and has never had much respect for my privacy, so it’s been a bit of a struggle to avoid getting steamrolled in this relationship. If you asked her, I suspect she would say that we are very close and our relationship is perfect.

    15. California Dreamin'*

      I’m an only child of parents who divorced when I was very young (but remained very close friends forever.) I have/had great relationships with both of them, but they were very different relationships because my dad got to be the “fun” parent… always taking me out to dinner or to sports events and theme parks… and my mom was the “boring” day-to-day parent (1970’s style divorce, sigh.) My dad moved in with my family when he had a near-death health issue and couldn’t live alone anymore. He was 74, and we didn’t think he had much longer to live. He ended up living another 16 years with us and died in 2020 at age 90! I’m so, so grateful for those years. He had an extrememly close relationship with my kids, and I loved having him around. He was good company but really never bothersome or too intrusive, though I had to do a lot of errands for/with him at the end. I’m still close with my mom and would talk about lots more personal type stuff with her if I want to. She babysat my kids a lot when they were young, so she spent loads of time at my house and we went out to her house pretty frequently in those years as well (about a 40 minute drive, so never unannounced.)
      My husband gets along well with his parents, as do I, but we’re a plane ride away so we see them only once a year or so and obviously it’s always planned (once, before we had kids, we flew back and surprised his mom, which was fun, but now I’d be worried she’d have a heart attack!) His relationship with them is a little more surface level, but they are wonderful, caring parents and grandparents to our kids. Husband’s sisters live in the same city as the parents and are very, very close. They probably do stop by unannounced all the time, or at least just a quick text first. My MIL was the everyday childcare for my sisters-in-law when their kids were young. I was so jealous of that! For me, having good relationships with one’s parents is completely normal. I know there are many folks who don’t have that, which is so sad, but among my peer group, I think most fall on the spectrum of really great to just fine.
      Oh, I also have one adult child (so far), and we text nearly every day, lots of pet pictures sent through our family text chain, lots of cooking advice requests, and he comes over most Sundays for dinner. He’ll talk to us about a lot of stuff – work and politics and friends and current events – but has been a little more reserved on dating stuff lately, which is normal and fine.

  42. Lunch meat*

    I’ve been trying to make my own lunch meat, both for cost savings and for health reasons.

    I have plenty of good recipes that I oven-bake or crock pot, but the one thing I’m struggling with is texture. The meat is always splintered and shreddy. Has anyone succeeded in getting that smooth glass texture that lets you slice really fine? (I’m assuming that happens due to pressing and/or chemicals, so maybe it isn’t possible, but I’d really love to get a nice thin cut without mangling everything.)

    2. Russian in Texas*

      Boyfriend bought a smoker (not just for the lunch meats, for meats in general, and as a hobby), and smoked turkey and pork loin come out just as great as from the deli.
      Of course the smoker requires the initial investment and space and time, I would not recommend if you only want it for the lunch meats. But may be you can find a way to smoke, say, a turkey breast, is a grill? I know people do that with ribs.

        1. Elf*

          Any recs on brand/price range? I’ve been wanting one, but it looks like I could get one for $60 or $600 and I don’t know what the price point is where it will actually work instead of being really annoying or breaking immediately.

          2. Russian in Texas*

            The one we have is Dyna-glo wide body offset vertical, charcoal.
            In the $250 – $285 range, depending on the seller and the sales.
            The wide body allows for the entire brisket or two racks of ribs. I was told that the “offset” part is important.
            Boyfriend’s been very happy with it. He also got some Bluetooth temperature sensors so he can monitor everything via an app on his tablet.
            The Amazon link is in moderation for now, maybe it’ll show up later.

          3. pancakes*

            I’ve hot-smoked smaller portions of stuff with a cheap little stovetop smoker, basically just a pan with a sliding lid, almost like a Pullman loaf pan, and occasionally thrown together a DIY one with metal steamer in a big pot with a tight-fitting lid (or a wonky one sealed with foil) in poorly-equipped rental kitchens. Cold-smoking is more complicated, that’s how you can get a smoky flavor in things you can’t subject to much heat (cheese, fish, etc.), but you don’t need to start with that. Stove-top hot-smoking, basically you’re just burning wood shavings or chips you’ve scattered over the bottom of the pan and letting the smoke waft up over the food. There’s not a lot that can go wrong or break, it’s more a question of getting the timing correct, but make sure your kitchen is well ventilated before you take off the cover!

    3. ImOnlyHereForThePoetry*

      For roast beef, you want something like eye ofround that is cooked medium rare. And a very sharp knife to slice it thin. Any cut that is slow roasted is going to fall apart and get shredded.

    4. Missb*

      I really like the baked chicken breasts from givemesomeoven. The breasts are brined for a short time (15 mins) but don’t get salty. The seasoning on top can be a bit salty, but I use less of it. The trick to making these into lunch-meaty cuts is to let the meat cool completely in the fridge (like overnight) and then slice as you need them. The meat doesn’t get flaky or shred-y.

    5. Maggie*

      Yeah that’s due to the way they re-form the meat to make the loaf that it slices from. Roast beef is your best bet if you want all natural sliceable deli meat! That one won’t crumble or get shredded. It will actually slice off normally.

    6. Not A Manager*

      Posted this in the wrong place earlier.

      I did a little google. It looks like you could try compressing the meat while it’s still hot. The recommendation is to wrap it very tightly in cheesecloth and tie it up with rubber bands or twine. Then refrigerate it for a few days before slicing.

      Another trick for thin slicing is to par-freeze your item before cutting it. You don’t want it frozen solid, just super cold and starting to get icy.

    7. pancakes*

      I don’t think the texture you describe is down to chemicals so much as a mechanical separation process. Some cold cuts are what’s known as “whole cuts” (basically what you’re doing at home), and some are what’s known as “sectioned and formed” or “restructured” (which I think is the texture you’re after). A quick summary from a random site:

      “They are prepared from chunks or pieces of meat and are bonded together to form a single piece. The substances that bind these together are non meat additives, meat emulsions and extracted myofibrillar proteins. Typically they are produced by extracting the meat proteins (by adding salt and massaging or tumbling the meat which brings these ‘sticky’ proteins to the surface) or by adding non meat proteins. Myosin is the major protein that is extracted. The meat becomes soft and pliable and is then shaped through the application of force using different molds or casings. It is then cooked to coagulate the proteins which bind the chunks of meat together in its new shape.”

      If you look at the labels on chain restaurant food sometimes you’ll see parenthetical lists of ingredients for the “meat” in them that reflects this process. It’s always given me the willies, but you can buy your own “meat glue” if you want to experiment. Search for that phrase and you’ll find more info.

      I agree with trying freezing before slicing.

    8. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      Ham is possible to slice thin for sandwiches but it is already a somewhat processed product. I don’t think you’ll be able to do turkey that isn’t shreds.

  43. Not A Manager*

    I did a little google. It looks like you could try compressing the meat while it’s still hot. The recommendation is to wrap it very tightly in cheesecloth and tie it up with rubber bands or twine. Then refrigerate it for a few days before slicing.

    Another trick for thin slicing is to par-freeze your item before cutting it. You don’t want it frozen solid, just super cold and starting to get icy.

  44. HannahS*

    Gift recommendations for a first birthday? I’m looking for something fairly token, since this baby is only a few weeks older than mine and I don’t want the family to feel they need to reciprocate with something expensive. Baby has two older siblings so has a lot of toys. Maybe a book rec?

    1. Yeah summer!*

      Green toys
      https://www.greentoys.com/
      They aren’t expensive but they are great quality. I think my kids have only damaged one. They are dishwasher-able. They are recycled. And lots of options. The tea set is a hit in my family

    2. ImOnlyHereForThePoetry*

      Board books are a great idea!
      I recommend anything by Sandra Boyton. There are also some “Never Pet A” Monster/dragon/shark books that are fun (saw some at Target the other day)

      1. Bluey*

        I bought my niece Never Pet a Polar Bear at that age and she loved it so much it is duct taped together now.

    3. Alex*

      I love giving those thin little indestructible books–they are sort of like paper, which babies LOVE to try and eat and tear, but they are made to withstand it. They are also great to just slip in a diaper bag or purse for on the go. I’ve seen them in toystores for 5-6 bucks each.

    4. Dark Macadamia*

      Some of my favorite board books are the “Once Upon a World” series by Chloe Perkins. They’re just well known fairy tales but beautifully illustrated in different cultures (Indian Rapunzel, Mexican Cinderella, etc). Jill McDonald’s “Hello World” series are also really good – toddler level nonfiction about things like bugs, space, and weather. “Dinosaur Kisses” by David Ezra Stein is hilarious.

    5. Analyst Editor*

      I think something nice but more expensive than would make sense for mom to buy, especially a fancy consumable.

    6. Missb*

      standard board books I buy:

      Silly Sally
      We’re Going on a Bear Hunt

      Not a board book, but still one my kids loved:

      Grandfather twilight

    7. Jean (just Jean)*

      Long reply coming. Probably in moderation because I included links.
      Full disclosure: Lapsed librarian and longtime book-lover here. I went hog-wild pulling together lists of children’s books. Fun times, truly. :-)

      1. Jean (just Jean)*

        *Not* a lapsed book-lover! Grrr at self for not proofreading before hitting “submit.”

    8. Not A Manager*

      You never know what books families already have. I tend to give some of the older classics because people are less likely to have them. One of my favorites is the Maurice Sendak boxed set called “nutshell library.” It’s four titles including an alphabet rhyme and a counting rhyme. It comes in various formats, but my favorite is the tiny one. The books are about 5 inches tall. It’s probably old for a one-year old, but I like to give books slightly ahead of the age.

      Another favorite of mine is The Little Fur Family. It also comes in a variety of formats. Some of them have a little fur patch on the front that kids like to touch. It’s quite whimsical and a little bit surreal, with a strong sing-song pattern that’s nice for bedtime.

      Other recommendations would be Guess How Much I Love You and The Little Mouse, the Red Ripe Strawberry, and the Big Hungry Bear.

    10. SoloKid*

      The best gifts I’ve ever seen a 1yo play with are a laundry basket where they could be “in jail” and an obviously new braided bath loofah they could gum.

      1yos are like kittens – anything is interesting for them. Most people get gifts to impress/alleviate stress for parents.

    11. Falling Diphthong*

      10 Minutes ‘Til Bedtime! In which we count down to bedtime with a group of gloriously over the top hamsters.

      A sun hat. Can’t have too many of them, as they get outgrown.

      A cute outfit. As the youngest in hand me downs, sometimes it’s nice (for the parents, at this age) to have a new thing with no mysterious stains.

    13. The OG Sleepless*

      If I can find them, I give a set of stackable plastic cups. They were my son’s absolute favorite toy at that age. And maybe clothes, since everybody gives 3-6 month sizes for baby shower gifts but after that you’re on your own.

    14. beach read*

      I found a cute baby photo album; it is soft material and bright colors for my friends 1 year old. They are on amazon and aren’t terribly expensive.

    15. Koala dreams*

      I’d recommend a bath book. There are even those that change colours when put in the water.

    16. California Dreamin'*

      We just sent a “starter set” of books to my niece’s newborn baby. I had each of my kids and my husband and me pick out a young children’s book that we especially loved when my kids were little. We ended up sending Where the Wild Things Are, The Very Hungry Caterpillar (a 1-year-old might already have those two), Big Little (my kids absolutely loved that whole series), Go Dog Go, and Squirrel Nutkin by Beatrix Potter (a bit of an unusual choice from my younger son.) I don’t know your budget, but we also sent a personalized name-spelling book from a company called I See Me. Someone gave those to my twins when they were about 1 and they were a really great gift.

  45. Girasol*

    Birding thread! (Didn’t see yours, Woodswoman, and I couldn’t wait.) I had a wonderful encounter this week paddling on the lake. Where the usual yellow headed blackbirds are still missing there was a flock of pelicans, a dozen or so. (Well known sea birds of coastal Idaho!) They were remarkably tame. I don’t know if they let me come close because they could tell I’m slow or if it was because my rig is all white and orange like a pelican, but they let me into the middle of the flock and we paddled around together for awhile. I got to be a pelican!

    1. Reba*

      Oh that is so cool! I have been close like that to a big flock of pelicans in Senegal — great white pelicans, even larger than the North American ones! I think they are pretty chill animals in general.

      Last week was in upstate NY and got to listen to a screech owl almost every night.

    2. The Other Dawn*

      There’s a family of turkeys in my neighborhood. It looks like there are at least five babies. Very cute. They’re not tiny, but they’re not grown yet either.

    3. GoryDetails*

      Spotted a yellow-breasted nuthatch at my feeder! I’d seen them in previous years but it’s been a while – usually it’s just the white-breasted variety. So I was happy to see this one.

    4. WoodswomanWrites*

      Birding threads are welcome no matter who starts them!

      Wow, what an amazing experience with the pelicans, lucky you! I’m always amazed that the inland white pelicans are even bigger that the brown pelican seabirds. How incredible that you got so close.

      My friend and I had a wonderful bird encounter. We were on a trail in the forest that’s busy on weekends and where no animals come close to the trail. This was on a weekday and the difference was striking. We saw two bucks and the birds weren’t just in distant trees where we could hear but not see them.

      A family of winter wrens were right next to the trail at ground level. It looked like mama wren was helping her three offspring learn how to fly. They were as big as she was but still had some of their juvenile plumage. As mama flew short distances among the fallen tree limbs, ferns, and low plants, they followed her around. The trail was in a rugged area with a steep drop-off to a creek on the left and an embankment to the right. We stood still and silent and just a few feet away, one of the fledglings was trying to climb up the few feet on the steep embankment and tumbling backward. After a couple attempts. Eventually the youngster discovered that s/he could fly upward instead of hopping and that worked much better.

      We spent several minutes just watching the family. Once we stopped moving and talking, they didn’t seem disturbed by us as they figured out the flying thing. So cool to see.

    5. Henry Division*

      I was recently biking the Erie Canal trail and there was a gorgeous Great Blue Heron. I tried to take a picture but he kept hearing my bike and flying further down the canal. At least I got to see him a bunch as I accidentally chased him, but no picture. :(

  46. Need some fun*

    What are date ideas that are more about being fun or silly than being conversation focused? Dates like dinner, drinks, etc tend to “stare at each other and talk” and get awkward when you run out of things to say. My boyfriend and I work together and are a bit of workaholics, so we’re usually pretty tired by the time we get to hang out. We’re past the telling interesting get-to-know-you stories so it usually ends up being about work or serious topics and we seem to be in a feedback loop of bringing out our serious sides. Even a puzzle date turned out to be either talking or silence. Are there good games for just 2 people that we could play? (bonus points if they are small enough to bring to a bar/brewery with us) Other activity ideas? The two of us are getting pretty boring and we both need a little fun and a way to loosen up a bit.

    1. MaxKitty*

      Mini-golf
      Go-kart racing
      Scavenger hunt in your town
      Special event at museums or zoos (We once did a 5k race with pumpkins at Halloween time at a botanic gardens. There also are Halloween or Christmas light displays at zoos and botanic gardens.)
      Special theatre event. We’ve been to some interactive ones that were offbeat and interesting.

    2. Jean (just Jean)*

      Play chess or checkers?
      Organize a board game night at a local bar/brewery? Take the classics (Monopoly, Clue) or try some of the newer board games (many exist; I don’t know them because they all appeared after my board game-playing days.)
      Hmmm. I may organize a board game night myself. Thanks for the suggestion.

    3. fueled by coffee*

      If you want something to do at a bar, maybe look for one that offers a trivia night?

    4. The Person from the Resume*

      Mini-golf
      Bike ride / rent bikes to ride around local park
      Canoe / kayak
      Go to a museum (less silly probably but you can talk about what you like don’t like about the art versus topics you’ve covered before
      Sculpture garden if your local park/museum has one.
      Axe throwing (it’s a thing now; there are ace throwing bars)
      Game bar like Arcade, video games, pool, ping pong

    5. kina lillet*

      Ideas:

      Board game bar, new stuff to try & talk about what to try
      Glassblowing workshop
      Dance lessons / country dance
      Counterintuitively, doing something totally separate from each other one or more days a week
      Book club, read the same book but don’t talk about it til you’re out at a bar together
      Nature—go out birding

      1. Pocket Mouse*

        Seconding the idea to spend some time apart. Also, set a limit on work talk outside of work! This could be 5 minutes per day, only on Tuesdays, not over the weekend—whatever feels right to the two of you.

        There are a number of small two-person games, including cooperative games- Hanabi, Fox In the Forest (+ duet), and Hive come to mind, though head on over to your closest game store or game cafe and you’ll have tons of options and recommendations. You could even get a deck of cards and a card game book to learn a bunch of new games together.

        1. I take tea*

          We’ve had lots of fun with a little card game called The Mind, where you are supposed to put down cards in order without talking. It is oddly satisfying every time it goes right.

    7. CatACat*

      *Day-trip to new area to explore
      *People watch at a busy corner
      *Volunteer at animal shelter together
      *frisbee-golf league
      *go on a hike with a “bingo” card of birds, plants
      *agree on “territory” for each person and do good deeds within that area and see who gets the most done (or the most comments)
      *go to the beach and see who can build the tallest structure

    8. Analyst Editor*

      You might need to bring physicality and other people into it. Some examples: Laser tag, trampoline park especially with a dodgeball court, escape rooms in a group with strangers, bed and breakfast where you eat with other people, meetup groups new to both of you with other people, scavenger hunts open to the public at the local zoo/arboretum/whatever places have this….. You get the idea.
      Also spectacles/thinks to watch, where you can talk about the thing you watched or not talk at all — theatre, ballet, orchestral music, posts, that sort of thing if that’s your jam.

      Also square dancing or contra dancing.

    11. Generic Name*

      I don’t work with my husband, and I can’t seem to get enough of him, so I don’t mind dinner/drinks/talking but here’s stuff we enjoy doing together:

      Hiking
      Camping
      Mini golf
      Playing Magic the Gathering- you can bring this and regular cards to a brewery
      Playing board games at home
      Playing cards at home
      Cooking complicated stuff together- we’ve recently discovered making sushi at home is tons of fun. We shop for ingredients together and then make the rolls or whatever and that’s our dinner
      Watching movies/TV shows at home

    12. GoryDetails*

      Maybe look into geocaching? If your area has lots of urban caches you might be able to nab a few within walking distance of your favorite pub or restaurant, and if you both enjoy it it could be a new hobby. Might also pick up some interesting local historical spots, parks that you had no idea were there, that kind of thing. [There’s an add-on to geocaching called “Adventure Labs”, in which people set up (usually) 4 to 6 GPS locations having to do with a particular theme, and at each location you’re asked a question that you have to answer at that spot. Historical sites in your town, interesting graves in an old cemetery, unusual artwork on the walls – all sorts of things.]

    13. Decidedly Me*

      Mini-golf/par 3/top golf
      iFly
      Hiking
      White water rafting/regular rafting
      Day trips
      Cooking (or other) classes
      Axe throwing
      Zip lining
      Museums
      Video games
      Biking (make it a long one and add a picnic)
      Kayaking

      Two player board games:
      Small World
      Any of the escape room/murder mystery ones work well for 2
      Most of the Small Box Games are 2 player (definitely small enough to bring to bars)
      7 Wonders Duel
      King of Tokyo
      Forbidden Island

      1. Decidedly Me*

        Another: fun/obstacle runs. There are mud, bubble, bouncy castle, etc ones in a lot of areas.

    14. Dragonfly7*

      Buy a pair of disposable cameras. Yes, they still exist. Go somewhere you’ve been wanting to explore (park, downtown, place with cool graffiti, zoo, etc), take pictures, and get them developed. Who has the silliest, most creative, etc pictures? Why did you choose to take each one?

      1. Dragonfly7*

        Are you the type to DIY Mystery Science Theater 3000?
        Trivia games on Kahoot: https://kahoot.com/academy/study/subjects/trivia/
        Is there a board game bar/restaurant in your area already?
        Do you like live theater?
        My favorite date was a full Sunday afternoon and evening: late lunch at an Irish-themed pub with live music, an animated Irish movie at the independent movie theater, and a visit to a large used bookstore.

      1. Happy Thursday-Yay!!!*

        I firmly believe that shared experiences are the basis of all good relationships—sweethearts, nieces and nephews, aunts, cousins, and uncles. And after 30+ years together hubby and I spend our free time/date nights(days) doing stuff together—not only does it give us something to do, it gives us stuff to talk about after doing.

        Many of the things already listed like mini golf, cooking classes, zip lining meet that requirement. So do museum-ing, seeing a play/movie (at a venue, not at home), hiking with a guide (so you know why to look for/at—and you don’t get lost)!

        Hubby and I also ride (not long all-day stuff, by bike, and not for errands. Just a consistent set of loops/paths so we can stay fit and have fun together…tho we also do trail rides. Check out the activities at TripAdvisor for your area. Or directly at viator.com.

        Basically, anything that gives you a new(ish) experience AND provides you both with something to talk about afterwards works!

    16. Books and Cooks*

      I used to have a book called, “Creative Dating,” that had tons of fun/goofy ideas for things to do together. I’m sure it’s out of print, but you might be able to find used copies online.

      Also, do either of you have any interest in video games? Games tend to be fairly solitary, yes, but years ago I bought my husband a Playstation 3 and a game; my expectation was that he could play while I did other things, but what actually happened was I thought the game looked so cool, and he was having so much fun with it, that every night after dinner I would open a walkthrough on my laptop and sit next to him while he played, so I could help him/guide him if he was having trouble, or point out neat or interesting things nearby or things he missed in the game (i.e. “Medkit! Over there, in the corner!”). Eventually we started trading off the controller to take turns playing, and we branched into other games–we especially love Batman Arkham City, because we can do the Riddler challenges, competing for the highest score and cheering each other on. (The Lego games are the only games we’ve found and enjoyed that allow “couch co-op,” where you can play together on the same console in the same room; most games require another console & TV for co-op. So we have fun playing those together, too.)

      It might not interest you guys, of course, but for us it became a great way to spend time together, doing something fun, talking about the game worlds & stories as we played and laughing a lot about the crazy explosions and fights or funny things the characters did or whatever, without requiring a lot of planning or effort. Gaming tends to require enough concentration that you can’t have big discussions about work, but not so much that you can’t laugh and joke and talk about the game while it’s going on, which is great. And some of today’s games, with very realistic and beautiful settings, can actually feel like a mini-vacation for us. Plus, you’re at home, so you can drink as much as you like!

      I hope that helps!

    17. Just a name*

      We play backgammon before dinner during happy hour (at home). Trivia night once a week as well. Before Covid times, we’d eat out frequently, but always sit a bar. Either chat with the bartender if it isn’t busy or chat about the sports on tv. If you become a regular at the bar, you get a group of people as well. We’ve been married 30 years and talking about work was best avoided for many reasons. Now being retired, the backgammon/happy hour thing before making dinner is a nice pause between the day and the start of the evening.

    18. Lemon meringue*

      Mad libs can be surprisingly fun on a date, particularly if you’re word people. The nice thing about it is that you can do it anywhere.

    20. Charlotte Lucas*

      Do you live anywhere near a drive-in theater? They usually do double features, are fairly cheap, & allow you to choose your amount of conversation. And they’ve had a Renaissance in the past couple years. Really fun weekend thing on a nice evening.

  47. Jean (just Jean)*

    Ooh! Children’s books! With pictures! As my t-shirt from a local bookstore says, “So Many Books, So Little Time.”
    For an infant, consider a board book. Stiff pages are easier for small hands to hold. For a small gift, one book is fine. Enjoy the search.

    First, think of any books that you enjoyed as a child or as an older person, for yourself or for reading to students, nieces/nephews, your own kid(s), etc. Some of my favorites:
    * Are You My Mother? by P.D. Eastman
    * Barnyard Dance and The Going to Bed Book by Sandra Boynton
    * Jamberry by Bruce Degen
    * Goodnight Moon by Margaret Wise Brown

    Next, talk to a children’s librarian or a bookseller for recommendations and/or book lists. Also visit your local library’s website and those of other libraries such as the New York Public Library, the San Francisco Public Library, or the Montgomery County (Maryland) Public Library. Librarians love to share this information!
    Examples:
    * “100 great children’s books 100 years” (https://www.nypl.org/sites/default/files/100_great_childrens_books.pdf)
    * “125 Books We Love for Kids” https://www.nypl.org/books-more/recommendations/125/kids
    * Resources and book lists for early literacy: https://sfpl.org/kids/educators/early-literacy-kids#text-32894
    * “1000 Books Before Kindergarten” (https://www.montgomerycountymd.gov/library/programs/1000-books-before-kindergarten.html … see separate book lists for babies, toddlers, and preschoolers:
    * https://montgomerycountymd.gov/library/resources/files/programs/1000-books-booklist-babies.pdf
    * https://montgomerycountymd.gov/library/resources/files/programs/1000-books-booklist-toddlers.pdf
    * https://montgomerycountymd.gov/library/resources/files/programs/1000-books-booklist-preschoolers.pdf

    1. Felis alwayshungryis*

      We have loved:
      Hooray For Fish (Lucy Cousins)
      Each Peach Pear Plum (Janet and Allan Ahlberg)
      The Elephant and the Bad Baby (Elfrida Vipont)
      Peck Peck Peck (Lucy Cousins)
      Vintage Ladybird books
      The Hairy Maclary series (Lynley Dodd)
      The Blackberry Mouse (Matthew Grimsdale)

      Even if you think a book is too advanced for a 1yo it makes sense to get one the parent enjoys reading. Some of the above we got at a similar age and we still read them together, and mine is 5. We didn’t get nearly as much mileage from board books about colours (although you’ll never go wrong with the That’s Not My… series).

  48. CatACat*

    I adopted a single kitten a few weeks ago. I already have one cat — he’s an ex-feral who chose to sit on my lap one day where I used to live. I live by myself.
    They play together somewhat, but I get the feeling he tolerates her just for me.
    I’ve been trying to adopt another kitten so she’ll have a playmate and give me some more time back (I spend about 3-4 hours a day playing with both at one time or another).
    But I don’t feel a connection to her. She’s a caliby, so she’s cute. She’s very sweet and gentle. She likes to look out the window. She’s not very affectionate except at dawn and dusk — same as my cat, so it’s hard to meet their needs when they want them at the same time.
    I think she deserves to have a home where she’s absolutely loved and there’s someone else her age to play with. But I’m hesitant to return her (shelter has a 90-day return period) because there are SOME things about her that make me smile. And we’re getting better (and I’m looking for another kitten but it’s hard to find the right personality).

    I want to do what’s best for her, my cat, and me. I’m not sure what that is yet.

    1. merp*

      Only you know your feelings on this, but I think it takes time to get to know and build a bond with an animal just like any human. When I adopted my two as kittens, I spent the months of kitten chaos on and off feeling really overwhelmed and like I may have made a mistake. But with a few months those feelings went away and now I can’t imagine my life without them. (Am currently going through a similar process with a foster fail, actually.)

      And on the other side of things, if you think that returning her is what your gut is telling you, let yourself do that. I know the guilt that comes with it (have seen it in adopters when fostering), but trust that if she’s returned to the shelter, she’ll be cared for and adopted out and will live a good life. I never judge any adopter for realizing something isn’t working out.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Agreeing that bonding is not instant. It takes time. My second dog in married life- I held as a pup and said, “Will I ever get to really love you?” omg. He turned into the dog of my life. It took a while to get there and the trip went in stages it was not just one thing or one moment.

        My third pup is now 13. Totally different experience. I felt solid in knowing that I would grow to love him and he would love me. Yep, we did. He was an absolute wild child, I wasn’t sure the first couple years that he and I would last.

        Where the previous dog was my protector, this guy is the one who makes me laugh all day. Their personalities are so different one to the other. I saw the same with my cats. It takes a while for that personality to come out. We don’t get to pick their personality traits- unfortunately. But with a little kitten or pup we can start to draw out the behaviors we like and reinforce those behaviors. Current dog learned how to make appropriate and clever jokes. I enjoy that trait also.

        Only you know for sure what the right answer is. Not everything fits into a single post on the internet so it is extremely possible that I am totally wrong. I think some things you are talking about would apply to any kitten you get- such as when the kitten wants attention. That might be attributable to the kitten seeing you play with the other cat.

        I do think 3-4 hours a day is a big ask. I think that you could slowly walk them down from that expectation. I never played with my cats a lot. Maybe a half hour here and there. They quickly learned how to play with each other. I saw the same thing with my first dog (in married life) and her brother. Left to their own devices they worked out a whole communication system I was not privy to. Likewise with two non-related cats I had. I hear them chasing each other through the house in the middle of the night. It could be that the cat and kitten look to you for “fun” and not each other. If you step back even a little they might find each other enjoyable.

    2. RC Rascal*

      I adopted my current cat in March 2020 at the beginning of the pandemic. It took us about 18 months to bond and there are some things still in progress. She was a 4 year old & already rehomed twice.

    3. Cat’s Cradle*

      I love kittens but personally found I don’t bond with them until they become small cats. Before that they’re more adorable balls of chaos. It’s only once they start to settle down that their personality really has room to shine. So long as your cat tolerates her and you don’t have any issues with her, it’s probably worth letting time do it’s thing knowing that the bond will come as she matures.

      If you do decide to keep her, another kitten will make a world of difference. We’ve raised both a singleton and a litter of four and the quartet was significantly easier than the single kitten. They also seemed to hit “cat” earlier than the single.

      One other thing to note – chances are the new cats will never have the same bond with you as your first guy does. He chose you as an adult cat and that makes for a different dynamic. My first cat also came to us as an adult, though from the shelter rather than the streets, and though it’s been years there’s still a part of him that remembers and, because of that, clings to me a little extra hard. Meanwhile our others were all rescued at 4/5 weeks and only remember life with us. They’re more mentally and physically healthy but, for the most part, take us for granted in a way my old boy can’t. I still feel bonded to them and they love us, it’s just different then it was with old boy and it took me a bit to adjust to that.

    4. Eff Walsingham*

      Bonding can take time. I wasn’t too sure about our second cat at first. She’s very beautiful and a bit of a diva, and didn’t adapt to our place very quickly as she’s 9 years old and came from a place where she was happy. I thought she was more of a “man’s cat” because she seemed to prefer my husband at first.

      Well, due to our schedules, I feed her, breakfast especially. And I work from home. Fast forward two months and a bit, and she is basically my cat. Very different from others I’ve lived with, but there’s a joy in being able to predict now how she will react to things, knowing her likes and dislikes. I didn’t feel the change happening, but if somebody tried to take her from me now, I’d fight them!

    5. CatACat*

      Thank you all for the great support and nice comments. I volunteer at a shelter and we always tell our adopters to bring the pets back for whatever reason, no judgments. This is the first time I’ve even considered a return from the adoption side. These guys are the second and third cats that I would consider mine. My first cat who is all mine was a hospice case I adopted and had him for just under 7 months before he passed.
      I realize the folly of adopting a single kitten. My mistake was thinking that my adult cat was more energetic than he actually is! Lol

      Good news is I finally found another single kitten who seems like a good match personality wise. He is from a different shelter, but they both still have the “return the pet” policy so I will give it some more time.

      Right now these guys are another part-time job, and I don’t want to feel obligated to play with them. I usually like some play time everyday just to build the bond and have fun. But right now it’s too much.
      I am hoping this other new kitten will bring some more balance and distraction as well as teach the older cat how to cat. I think I see him interested in playing and interacting with my kitten, but he doesn’t know what to do. That tells me he was probably the only surviving kitten of his litter outside and never got to play with other kittens. I definitely want to give him the best life now.

  49. Han Solo’s Thigh Holster*

    Coping Strategies For When Your Loved One / Spouse/ Partner is a Miserable Human Being

    And I mean that honestly and legitimately. My spouse currently:
    – suffers from chronic pain, to which a car accident last year added new and interesting facets (including legal procedures to get the at-fault party’s insurance to pay more than laughable nothing to cover the damages)
    – has seen the workplace they loved and planned to retire from devolve into a thoroughly toxic hellscape of mismanagement
    – has two elderly and ailing parents, one of whom also has chronic (debilitating) pain while the other suffers from dementia, but both of whom continue to refuse to see the severity of their situation, and also cannot tell scam calls or mailings apart from legitimate bills and so are constantly falling prey to all manner of schemes (spouse spent the last week doing 14+ loads of laundry that had piled up since god knows when, noticed only when one parent was seen wearing the actual literal last item no one knew they owned)
    – I’m not even sure what else

    Any of these on their own would be a perfectly legitimate cause for
    – short tempers
    – exaggerated reactions to minute inconveniences or setbacks
    – a nearly compulsive insistence on doing all the things exactly the way they want them done, and no suggestion can ever be good enough

    I’m going to stop now.

    So: bring it. Your coping strategies to support yourself while also trying to support someone so clearly and legitimately suffering yet WITHOUT also burning your own self into the ground.

    Cuz there’s not much further down I can sink and short of leaving them, I’m at a loss on how to save myself while not abandoning them.

    Go.

    1. WellRed*

      I disagree that there is ever a legit reason for your third point. Is anyone in this equation in counseling? Short of leaving, that’s the only thing I can think to suggest.

      1. Han Solo’s Thigh Holster*

        I have a therapist, am doing quite well there.

        They, as yet, do not, and it’s one of the major sticking points. They have tried but have not yet found a good match, which only adds to (instead of decreases) the existing overwhelm of frustrations, so they are loathe to “waste” more time trying, since they’re convinced they’ll just fail, again, to find someone good for them. Am working on that but it’s slow- you can’t just order someone to find a therapist- they must be willing and also capable of follow-through, which, frankly, I find to be one of the most tragic ironies of modern human life. Those in most need of support are so often also those least capable of pursuing it for themselves, and thus they sink further into the hole.

        I may have misrepresented the third point: I am convinced it’s because exerting their control over any kind of decision, no matter how insignificant, is a source of comfort in the face of all the innumerable things they cannot control, so even things as minor as what to have for dinner, I’ve grown accustomed to having all my suggestions shut down until they figure out what they would be OK with and I just go with it. I’m just finding it increasingly difficult to be OK with just “going with it” what feels like 100% of the time. Hence the need for some coping strategy suggestions I may not have thought of.

        1. Reba*

          I mean, you understand the *reason* why they are controlling or seeking to control minor decisions, and I’m sure we can all sympathize with the impulse. But that doesn’t make it ok nor something you just have to live with because the person inflicting it is suffering. It’s your partner’s coping strategy, but it’s hurting you. It sounds like it’s much more than defending a preference or exerting their will, but instead really tearing you down. No wonder it’s hard going for you.

          Maybe some immediate relief would be doing more stuff separately (like dinner) until better strategies can be put into practice.

          1. Not So NewReader*

            Oh so very much agree. People cannot use the fact that “you are committed and/or married couple to make the other partner march to their tune.” That is not how this works. “You are my partner therefore YOU must put up with all my crap…”. NOOO. That is not how this works.

            Each partner has responsibility to lighten the load of the better-off partner at any opportunity.

            I have done a lot of elder care. So when my husband became terminally ill, I was able to address his over the top requests with “Let’s not kill off NSNR [me].” My poor husband got Blunt Me.

            This worked into “No I will not cook three meals for you because you did not like the first two. I specifically got everything you asked for when I shopped this week. I went to three stores to do it. I asked you what you wanted for dinner. I fixed what you told me you wanted. Then I fixed another meal. Now you want a third. I cannot do this. Let’s not kill me off. Think about what it is you want and ask ONCE. I don’t care what you ask for, I will fix it for you but ONCE, not three times.”

            He never asked for a second or third meal again- to his credit, I believe. I do understand that it was very hard for him with 8 breaks in his spinal column. But killing me off is a bad plan. And at the rate we were going I was maybe 1 day away from an ER run by ambulance. I don’t think he realized how run down I was.

            Twenty years prior, I did end up in the ER because of the goings-on with my parents. That is how I learned this lesson. And you could very well be headed down the same road. Maybe not now, maybe in a year? two years? The pace you are going at is not sustainable for you. It will impact your health and well-being for years to come.

            So I think it’s time to invest in your well-being. Rest, whole foods, hydration are all things that you can work on. I have no doubt in my mind that you are maxed out, this is not sustainable.

            Point out to your partner that time is not on your side, you cannot do this indefinitely. You will end up in the hospital or having chronic illness yourself. He needs to make some decisions to lighten both your loads.

            Carry the attitude of expectation that things can and will change.

            1) I can understand difficulty with picking a therapist. What other proactive things can he look at? PT? nutrition? diet changes? how’s his water intake? Dehydration causes so many problems — it’s staggering. Worse, it will compound problems already in place.

            2)Naysayer. Find ways to tell him that his naysayer will not be tolerated any more. It’s asking too much from you that he will not try things and every idea is a bad one. You can tell him that if you are laying in a hospital bed then his hand will be forced and he will have to chose something to help himself because he will be on his own without you around. All this can be prevented by trying things NOW.

            To you I say, you cannot help someone who will not help themselves. It is fine to reach the end of the road. “There is nothing left that I can do to help you. If I do not start taking care of me there will be nothing left of me, also. We must drag other professionals into this situation. We need outside help.”

            3) Establish and keep bedtimes, even if it’s only for you. I was in bed by 9 every night my husband was sick. I had to know the day would end. Fortunately he slept most of the day and night so at 9 he was ready for bed also. He was reasonably safe in bed and only once had a problem in the night. Night time became my time out.

            4) Your partner cannot be taking care of his parents. He is in no shape to be doing that, the parents need a team of people. I dunno if he has siblings or what the elder care is in your area. Parents may be income eligible for more help than they have now. Mail and phone can be put on registries for mailing and calling. This will cut down some of the crap. If they belong to a church, maybe church people will give random small helps. Doctors can be told of the poor decisions they are making.

            5) You are right about control freaks. This happens when a person feels life is going out of control.
            With my parents and even with my husband, I had to deliberately decide that they were headed for a crash landing and the best I could do was prevent them from hitting the ground harder. But my husband let me help him, parents not so much. Their crash was harder. Being silent will not help you with your partner. Let them know that you see their need for control and that happens when a person thinks life is out of control. Be candid. You know what your partner is doing, why they are doing it, yet the fact remains that this is harming the quality of life for both of you.

            Since he is keeping you and him locked in this situation with him this gives you the right to say something. Let him know that his decisions or lack of decisions totally impact you. And changes need to happen- this is no way to live. I became candid when I realized that I had seen and been through enough. And I wanted our marriage to work, I wanted to stay but not if it would do irreparable damage to my health. I did not care about the money aspect, it’s just money and money comes and money goes. I was no longer willing to be put through hoops (3 dinners in one night, etc.) because the personal cost health wise was too high.

            6) For you. How much is too much? At what point do you pack your bags? Going the opposite way, what do you need to see in order to stay? For your own health you need to know where your lines are. I said to my husband that he had to participate in his medical decisions and he had to do his own self care. (Self care was doable for him.) He added, “And you will never lift me.”. He did all three things and he was able to remain in our home the entire time. That’s huge.

            I hope you let us know how you are doing. I remember this intense time period in my life all too well. My heart goes out to you and yours.

            1. Han Solo’s Thigh Holster*

              Thank you so much, Reba and Not So NewReader – these replies feel quite validating.

              I’ve already begun doing something like what both of you suggest regarding dinner: I make one or two suggestions, then allow spouse to use their negative reactions to them to then identify what they might actually want. If that fails, I take over and just ensure that myself and the Small Human are fed, and let spouse figure themselves out. It’s worked quite well the few times I’ve done it this way, so that’s validating to hear from others as a possible path. Thank you.

        2. Not A Manager*

          I made some suggestions below, but something like dinner is a good example of what I’m talking about. What if you made three suggestions and if they all get shut down you say, “Okay, why don’t you be in charge of dinner then?” Just disengage. What if occasionally you said, “I am making myself spaghetti and a salad for dinner, would you like some or are you going to plan your own dinner tonight?” It doesn’t have to be hostile. You can even make suggestions like “I know we have cold cuts if you want to make a sandwich.” The point isn’t to Make A Point, the point is just to regain some autonomy.

          1. Han Solo’s Thigh Holster*

            Yes, I do a version of this already and it has helped. I have found the best results are when I am as neutral as possible with my suggestions as well as the inevitable disengagement afterwards (e.g. don’t betray exasperation) but that takes so. much. energy.

            What almost makes it worse is that spouse knows they are in a bad way, but their efforts to counteract the shittiness just contributes to more shittiness instead of making anything better. It’s the damnedest thing.

            But in the end, your suggestion is a good one and I will remind myself that this is a tool in my toolbox that I have agency to use and that thought, in and of itself, is comforting.

      2. Han Solo’s Thigh Holster*

        I had an elegant reply all typed out and then the Internet ate it.

        The basic gist was as follows:
        I have a therapist and I’m doing well with it, but spouse has tried and failed and feels hopeless about it. I’m convinced it’s one of the most tragic ironies of modern life that those in most need of support are least capable of getting it for themselves and thus just sink further into the hole. Their lack of that kind of relationship to help them sort through the morass is one of the major sticking points between us right now. And the only thing I can think to do is take the initiative to book a couples appointment in the hopes that they might hit it off with the psych, and then just take over the appointments. It’s the only way I can think to do it for them without “literally” doing it for them.

        I may have misrepresented the third point: I’m convinced it comes from the small amount of benefit they likely get from being able to exert control over even the most minor decisions, like what to have for dinner, in the face of the innumerable things they cannot control. In those scenarios, nearly all my suggestions get shut down until they figure out what they want to do, and I go along with it, but I’m getting a bit tired of having to do that. Ergo the request for coping strategies I may not have thought about.

    2. Analyst Editor*

      I’m in a similar situation myself (emotionally, not in terms of cricunstances) — where husband is under a lot of stress and it means he can’t pick up my slack when I sorely need it, and I can’t keep picking up his….

      I think the solution might have to involve throwing money and time off at it, including care for his parents and communication how to make them not treat you poorly – communication I myself am very bad at, so I have to advice, just commiseration.

      1. Han Solo’s Thigh Holster*

        It time is absolutely nigh for hired help on the “support the elderly parents” front, but they are even more stubborn than spouse is, so it’s another situation where we cannot just DO but must engage all our Machiavellian processes to getting the parents on board with that help because otherwise they will actively counteract or sabotage our efforts. It’s a matter of convincing them by a thousand tiny hints, which we know is the most effective path based on prior experience but hot damn do neither of us have the energy to maintain this insanity anymore.

    3. Melody Pond*

      This is not the easiest solution to implement, but I would probably look for ways to inject more space into the relationship, while still seeing each other regularly (like a few times per week).

      Mr. Pond and I are not in the same situation as you and your spouse, as far as external stressors, but we’ve definitely experienced detrimental effects of Too Much Togetherness over ten years. We are actually looking at moving across the country to an affordable town where we could conceivably buy a duplex, and each have our own space, but still be together easily when we want.

      Obviously, that’s a pretty radical and extreme solution (and there are many other reasons we are considering the move beyond the “separateness” issue). But, other things we considered:
      – Buying a used tiny-house-on-wheels and parking it in the backyard, so we felt like one of us could always “get away” from each other
      – Mr. Pond spending a night or two away, each week (he has a small sailboat, though it wouldn’t be super comfortable)
      – Investing more heavily in separate hobbies and activities that get us away from each other – such as meetup groups for our different hobbies, taking evening classes for fun

      In your situation, I’m not sure what this would look like, if ideas like this are out of reach due to economic hardship. But any situation where you make it through this without leaving your spouse, probably involves leaning on other people (family or friends) for social support and the ability to get some personal space. If there were some kind of regular support group for marital stress or medical stress or… something like that for you to attend on your own, that seems like it might be ideal. This just seems like the kind of hardship you won’t be able to get through, without help from a larger “tribe” of people.

      My thinking is, the more you can get some separation and space, the more time you have to recover from the emotional/mental load of your current circumstances, and the better care you can take of yourself first and foremost, and then your spouse. I’d rather see my spouse for three or four days of high quality time together each week, than seven days a week of sniping/bickering at each other.

      Good luck!

      1. Han Solo’s Thigh Holster*

        rather than living space, I really have leaned into my work, and not necessarily in a destructive way because, in great contrast to spouse’s work situation, my career is really taking off and I find great joy in it for the first time in a very long time so I love going to work and that is a refuge for me.

        I love that you mention hobbies, because I recently picked up reading fiction again after a really long hiatus and I almost forgot how much I enjoy it. However, I’m not sure how much of that is due to having a little more time over this past vacation break: because my job carries a very heavy cognitive load, more reading isn’t always at the top of my to do list whilst at home, but maybe I can make a “date” with myself and promise myself that I will read a chapter or two on weekends and see how that goes.

    4. Not A Manager*

      This is very, very hard. I’ve been in similar situations although not with the same exact circumstances. My ultimately strategy was to speak to my spouse very firmly, sort of like speaking to a cranky child, and backing it up with action.

      “Stop. You are not allowed to speak to me like that.”
      “I’m sorry this didn’t work out the way you’d like, but I can’t listen to you keep complain about it.”
      “You can do this yourself if you want to, but if you want my help/participation, you’re going to need to compromise with me.”

      The “action” if they don’t stop doing the thing is basically to withdraw. Remove yourself to another room (“I won’t say here if you’re going to talk to me like that”), stop responding (“I know you’re disappointed, but nothing I say seems to help you right now”), stop participating (“you have very strong feelings about how to do this, I’m going to let you fly solo on this one”).

      At the right time and place, you can frankly tell them that you love them, you are very sympathetic to their situation, but that their behavior is harming you and damaging your relationship. But you don’t have to have that big picture conversation in order to set some boundaries in the moment.

      Also, t h e r a p y. For spouse if they will agree to it, for you even if they won’t.

      1. Han Solo’s Thigh Holster*

        Yes to your “action” and “love and sympathy but nope on the cycle of shit” paragraphs. My go-to (instinctive) action, for longer than I can recall, has been to revert to silence and let them talk their way through their frustration-of-the-moment. a good sign is that lately they’ve begun to notice the pattern and recognized that I do this, and in those moments I can see them trying to adjust, but it’s still difficult because then I also see the anguish on their face when they realize what they’re doing to me in those moments.

        I swear the one-stop solution is that they just need to get a fucking therapist, but just like their parents- I have to get them to believe it for themselves via a thousand tiny hints and self-realizations, and I’m wearing out, y’all.

        1. PollyQ*

          then I also see the anguish on their face when they realize what they’re doing to me in those moments

          Maybe they should be anguished. Maybe that’s a valid reaction to the realization that they’re hurting someone they care about, and maybe they can use that as motivation to stop doing it.

          I’m going to raise the possibility of a therapy ultimatum*, in lieu of tiny hints. I think it would be OK for you to say, “I am unhappy enough with the status quo that I’m thinking of leaving altogether, so I need you to find a therapist or I will not be able to stay with you.”

          *I once received a therapy ultimatum for my very bad depression, and I’m glad my ex-BF did it. He also helped a great deal with finding me someone, so it wasn’t just a threat.

          1. Han Solo’s Thigh Holster*

            I see you’re not the only one suggesting the therapy ultimatum, and I suspect that’s where we’re headed next. I sincerely appreciate this perspective, thank you so much for sharing.

          2. Reba*

            re: ultimatum. I think this is from a past Carolyn Hax column or chat: “Yes, seeking treatment is your personal choice. I also have choices, and I do not choose to live with untreated mental illness any longer. So what is the next step for us?”

        2. Observer*

          but it’s still difficult because then I also see the anguish on their face when they realize what they’re doing to me in those moments.

          So? It’s not something YOU are doing. It’s actually a good thing, because it means that just maybe they realize that they need to figure something out.

          In any case, it’s not something you can worry about.

    5. fposte*

      I had a friend in a very similar situation. They said to their partner “counseling, or I go.” The partner went to counseling and they’re still together.

      For me the stance would be “I can help you carry, but I’m not a dumping ground for anger.” I would also encourage action plans for the main stressors–anything to break up the misery of stuckness, which is kind of a self-imposed prison.

      FWIW, part of dementia is something called anosognosia–it’s the inability to recognize that something’s wrong. It’s not denial. The action plan for the parents should, IMHO, include a visit to a certified elder law attorney and an opening of the possibility of a durable power of attorney for them. The counseling discussion about them will likely address how hard it is to realize that you help other people but not save them, especially from the inevitable.

      1. Frankie Bergstein*

        This is my story too — a therapy ultimatum. It was a hard conversation, and it took time, but the marriage (and partner) is healthy now.

    6. Ins mom*

      Nothing to add to the other posters, but I want to say, OP, all the sympathy and hugs if you want it. The replies are thoughtful and encouraging- you guys are great, as usual.

    7. Generic Name*

      This sounds really hard. A couple of things jumped out at me. One is that it is possible to go through all sorts of stressful/horrendous life events/have a sucky job without being a jerk to your partner. Another is that you deserve to be treated kindly, even if the other person may have ~*valid reasons*~ for being moody or stressed. You can’t control how your partner acts or how they handle less than ideal life events/circumstances. But you do get to decide what is acceptable to you and take action when things are not acceptable. I’ve found going to individual therapy very helpful in identifying my boundaries and also how I can enforce my boundaries. Please note, enforcing boundaries is not about controlling other people. It’s about actions you take if your boundaries are crossed.

      You said that leaving him would be “abandoning” him. Please reconsider your framing of the situation. Pets or children can be abandoned. Your husband is an adult who is behaving badly towards you. Choosing to not accept being treated badly, even when the other person is in a tough spot, isn’t abandoning them. If you aren’t ready to leave permanently, you may consider a trial separation. It may just be the kick in the pants they need to deal with their own stuff without taking it out on you, or you decide that life is much better on your own and you pursue separate paths forever.

      1. Han Solo’s Thigh Holster*

        I see your perspective, and don’t disagree in theory, but I suspect ours is a situation where they will be worse off without me around to help pick up the pieces that fall off when their attention is focused on Crisis of the Day, i.e. I am here to ensure that the Small Human and Dog-Like Creature are fed, clean, attended, etc. while they deal with pain/work/parents/what-have-you. As their partner, this is how I can help, so that’s what I’ve tried to focus on doing well, but without burning myself out, either. I just struggle with wanting to help the other parts, and I guess if I force myself to focus on what is truly my set of responsibilities, I won’t feel so overwhelmed? Maybe I need some mantras or something?

        1. Generic Name*

          Yes, I think it’s good to focus on what you can control. My point about framing making a decision to care for yourself as not abandoning your partner was to point out that they are (I assume) a legal adult with full rights to make decisions for themselves and you are not in a guardianship situation. Therefore, you cannot control another legal adult’s choices or decisions and you are not charged with making decisions on their behalf (like you would with a pet or a minor child). So allowing another adult to do their own thing while you do yours isn’t abandonment. That’s all. :)

        2. Not So NewReader*

          ” I suspect ours is a situation where they will be worse off without me around to help pick up the pieces that fall off when their attention is focused on Crisis of the Day..”

          It was this very type of thinking that landed me in the ER because of the stuff with my parents. I am not saying jump ship. I am saying sometimes you have to let people go through their own learning experiences.
          It was helpful to realize I had a losing battle with elder care. They did whatever. I picked up the pieces. Until one day there were just too many pieces. Picture trying to stand or walk in a hurricane. At that point, I had to let things unfold.

          I am forever changed by what I saw and what I learned. That part is unavoidable. The ER WAS avoidable. I could have started stepping back earlier. My parents needed a TEAM of people just to patch* all that was wrong. The team did not fair much better than I did- but at least there were enough people on it. (* I mean “patch”, as opposed to “fix”. There was no fix.)

          It was until I started really stepping back that changed happened.

    8. Anonosaurus*

      I’m sorry all this is happening to your family.

      In a situation where my partner was struggling for different reasons but the behaviours were the same, I did three things:-

      – I said that if the partner did not find a therapist I was leaving (they did, and I didn’t). I meant it. Our relationship improved significantly because of the help they got. I get that finding a good therapist is not a straightforward process and that it requires resources both financial and otherwise, but it really is that important.
      – I got help myself from a therapist to strengthen my boundaries (e.g. being upset is OK, shouting at me is not OK, I am leaving the house to give you some time to calm down, etc)
      – I protected time and money for myself so that I could do things I enjoyed and which restored me. Whatever these are, you need time away from this situation to refill your own well.

      I think that as a partnership you will need to find ways to set and maintain boundaries with the parents but that is very difficult when you are both feeling very fraught with each other too. But I also think that whatever the stressors, you should not have to tolerate the expression of temper and overreaction. However sympathetic and understanding you are, they have to address that behaviour – for me, that ended up being non negotiable.

      1. Han Solo’s Thigh Holster*

        Thank you for this reference – I can see some parallels not only at home but also with regard to the in-laws, so I’ll read the advice carefully and see what I can take from it.

        1. pancakes*

          Glad it seems helpful. I thought it was particularly interesting that she said “one of the defining problems of trying to help someone in a slump; they experience themselves as unable to influence anything while we experience them as hugely influential.” In other words, there’s sometimes a mismatch there or a destabilizing sort of variability in terms of the day-to-day experiences people in that scenario will have of one another, on top of all the other challenges they have. It’s complex and tricky to navigate.

    10. HannahS*

      My solution when someone else’s feelings are getting in the way of decision-making and nothing I suggest is “right” (but it’s because the real problem isn’t food or what we’ll do this evening or whatever, it’s something else and this minor thing has become the container for all the other unexpressed angst) is to do less. If nothing I suggest is good enough, then there’s no point in suggesting anything, because nothing I suggest is going to be good enough.

      Practically speaking, that can take different forms. In its most extreme, it’s:
      “What are we doing for dinner?”
      “Why don’t I make us pasta, a thing that we eat regularly and that I know you like?”
      “No, that’s not right for [reasons] + how could you forget that pasta KILLED MY CAT+ feelingsfeelingsfeelings”
      “Ok, well, what would you like me to make?”
      “I don’t KNOW because my LIFE is falling APART”
      “Ok, well, let me know what you decide.” Exit the kitchen.

      In a more gentler form:
      “What are we doing for dinner?”
      “I think I’ll make pasta.”
      “No, no, that’s not right blah blah blah”
      “Ok, well, if you want something else let me know, but otherwise I’ll start making pasta in 15 minutes.”
      In my experience, the person will eat the g/d pasta.

      Also, I strongly co-sign Not A Manager’s scripts. I think that kindly but firmly pointing things out to people is doing them a service. If you’re getting to a point where your relationship is falling apart, then saying things like, “I am trying to help you, and when you criticize me it makes me not want to help you” and “I cannot tolerate this much complaining” and “Don’t speak to me that way” is necessary. Because the alternative is that the relationship ends, and your partner presumably doesn’t want that.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          I do.

          Never get MORE upset than the people involved. It’s recognized that groups can allow one person to carry their upset for them. And their day goes on like normal. Refuse to get more emotional than they do.

          Refuse to work harder than they do. Just because you can work circles around them doesn’t mean you have to NOR does it mean you should!

          My MIL was in assisted living. She was refusing to shower, which would get her kicked out eventually if she continued refusing. I sat down and talked to her. I explained she had to shower or she would lose her apartment because of elder care laws. I said, “They will bring in a team of people who will pick you up and put you in the shower. We need to figure out how to fix this.” She told me to stop talking to her like she was a kid. I said, “Then stop acting like one. This is serious stuff. You will lose your place here.” . I asked what was the problem. She had this and that and the next thing as reasons.

          I got her out of that problem and then she had another problem which did get her kicked out.
          So many times I have seen the fact that we are responsible for our quality of life up to our dying day. No one can do it for us. While I doubt I will ever have a problem with showering, I could have a problem with stubbornness like MIL. I needed to take notes for the future. Hopefully I will do better. Hopefully.
          Punchline: We can let their poor choices teach us, so that we do not make similar mistakes. Thinking of it as a chance to learn, might help in some way to diffuse some of the emotional stuff you have to take in every day.

    12. Cheshire Cat*

      I’m so sorry you’re dealing with all of this at once, it sounds very hard. The suggestion to limit menu options, or to say “I’m having x, you’re welcome to share it” is a good one. It’s similar to the advice you get when you have a picky child. And possibly if you have less of this stress every day, it will give you more leeway to deal with everything else.

      The suggestions below are based on my experience with my parents, so feel free to disregard if they don’t apply to your situation. First, get some help with your in-laws! Hire an aide to come in a couple of times per week, more if the parents need more. Talk to your in-laws’ doctor; if one has chronic pain and the other has dementia, Medicare might cover the visits. And aides can help with laundry, cleaning, making lunch, etc. Just be sure to hire from a reputable agency that vets its employees—a random person off the street is more likely to steal from your in-laws.

      If your spouse hasn’t done this already, they should try to get financial and medical power of attorney for both parents (if it’s not too late for the parent with dementia) It may cut down on the scams.

      Good luck, and i hope you can get some peace.

    13. Gravity*

      What about couples’ counseling? I’m in a somewhat similar situation. I got as much out of individual therapy as possible, partner refused to get a therapist, finally agreed to couples. A therapist using the Gottman method has improved our communication a lot.

      1. Imtheone*

        Seconding couples therapy. A good way to get a reluctant spouse in front of a therapist.

    14. beentheredonethat*

      Speaking from difficulty at the place we don’t talk about and a Mom with Dementia, a house with expensive issues. You cannot fix your MHB or in-laws.
      Make a personal list 10 ten things most important to you. Ask MHB to do the same.
      Choose only one difficult chore to handle everyday. Ignore anything else and everything you can ignore
      Put things on the list that will keep you sane, physical things you can do, aka make your living area pleasant, things that make you laugh, things give you rest. Hiking, lunch with a good friend, a good book, journaling, (I stress cook, read, play word games, write). Set a time once a day to laugh at something for 30 seconds, 30 seconds to be grateful, (my Mom can still take herself to the bathroom and most of the time hits the inside of the bowl).
      Choose something to do every day and once a week that relaxes you.
      Have a couple of friends you can text that will respond with support when you have hit a wall.
      Ask MHB to join you for 5 stress free minutes, watching the sun rise or set, build a moment in each day together.
      Ask MHB what method of communicating you want you can agree to use (I love texting, it slows the response and lowers the emotion) to solve issues.
      Deliberately verbally encourage MHB in pain management and issues. Also give any positive feedback whenever possible (this is for you not for MHB)
      Practical , set up your in-laws phone so they can only receive calls and texts from their contact list. Hire a housekeeper to come in once a week to clean and wash clothes. Anything you can hire done, hire it done.
      Get a therapist ASAP for you.
      This is a group of people who listen and care; let us know how you are doing.

    15. Snoozing not schmoozing*

      I think what I have to say may be more in line with what your spouse is living. My body has decided to fall apart, all at the same time. It takes a lot of time to figure out the WHY and what can be mitigated, and how. And while I go through the process of hoping for answers, I am angry. At everything and everyone. I don’t feel like cooperating with my spouse or anyone else. It’s one of the few things I can control and I’m not giving that up. If you tell me the sky is blue, I will probably snarl “Only to a dumbass like you.” It’s some kind of defensive reflex, I guess, plus wanting to make other people feel as miserable as I do. If you offer me something, or ask if I need help, I will lash out because no matter how nicely you say it, what I hear is “You’re useless, I’ll do it all myself.” If you’re nice, I’ll think you’re condescending. If you withdraw, I’ll assume you hate me. If you get angry, I see it as justification for loathing you. At the same time, I am incapable of noticing what’s happening around me because that’s what pain and a malfunctioning body does to the mind. Other people and situations become distant and hazy.

      The parents’ situation is another thing. The mother is confused and can’t help herself. Please be compassionate. The father is falling apart but won’t admit it because he wants to look strong for his wife and he’s terrified of what will happen to her if he can’t take care of her. I’m sorry you are collateral damage in this whole situation.
      My only practical advice is something I learned when I had a toddler, then started using on difficult people of all ages. Don’t give open-ended choices. Make it, “Do you want A or B?” They get to decide, but you control the choices. It works on food or activities or nearly anything.

    16. Jean (just Jean)*

      My heart is breaking on your behalf.
      I think you’ve had a lot of excellent advice about setting limits/boundaries with other people and within yourself. You are not obliged to destroy yourself in order to save another person (or other people). Similarly, you are not obliged to stay with your spouse (or in-laws) if you think that the best choice for yourself is to separate temporarily or permanently.

      You might want to find a local chapter of the Well Spouses Association. Members of this group know all about keeping on keeping on with an ill spouse.

      Perhaps your spouse can find a therapist on an online platform? At one point in my life I found someone to talk to on the BetterHelp website. Because it’s entirely virtual you eliminate the hassle of taking time to drive across town and park and then go back home again after every appointment.

      Good luck with detaching from the insanity of the situation enough to do some effective self-care. Like the other commenters here, I wish you well in making some positive changes. And remember–positive change still counts even if you have to go s l o w l y because circumstances!

    17. Irish Teacher.*

      I haven’t any experience of this and don’t really have any advice beyond saying to consider if this is a temporary or a long-term thing. It sounds like your partner is going through a lot and it makes sense that it would affect their moods and that you would make allowances for them, for a period of time. But at some point, they really should start making some effort, whether by getting counselling or making a decision to put you first sometimes or making some changes in their life – finding a new job, getting mum and dad some support, etc. If this has been going on for a month or two, that’s one thing, but if it’s been going on for six months or a year and they aren’t making much effort to get counselling, haven’t applied for any other jobs, haven’t acknowledged how their attitude is affecting you, then it looks more likely to be an ongoing thing.

      Like I said, no real advice. I just think there are two very different possibilities here. One is that your partner has had a string of terrible experiences in a shot period of time and is overwhelmed and with support, will adjust and return to being more or less the person you knew and start working on/with the issues. The other is that this is part of their personality and how they deal with difficulty and you need to set boundaries for you.

      1. Jean (just Jean)*

        Irish Teacher, this is so wise! You ask Han Solo’s Thigh Holster (HSTH), basically, is this a temporary pile-up situation in which your partner deserves some grace, or is this a problem left unaddressed until it became a fullblown misery for everyone involved? I love how you don’t waste time reminding HSTH that their needs matter too. You just assume that’s understood.

        Compliments especially on your bottom line: “you need to set boundaries for you.” Brief and powerful. Well stated.

        HSTH, I’m not entirely trying to tilt the answer here, but having seen and done a lot of self-sacrifice I urge you to at least be very clear-eyed about what you choose to do next, and the possible consequences for your own present and future life.

    18. Esmeralda*

      You are a spouse, not a servant or slave. If they don’t like how the things are getting done, they can do the things themselves. I’m totally serious. If they’re unable to the things, then I guess the things will not get done. Set a boundary: you will be treated with respect. You will be treated as someone who is HELPING. You will be treated as an adult who knows how to do the things. If your spouse/partner can’t go along with that, stop doing the thing.

      Because otherwise you are going to make yourself sick and/or you’re going to stop giving any f***s about spouse/partner and/or you’re going to leave spouse/partner.

      Lay it out for spouse/partner, as calmly as you can.

      I speak as someone who has been in a lot of pain and had to be taken care of, and also (more frequently) as the spouse doing the caretaking. Our deal is, I love you and will take care of you, but you have to treat me as your partner, and you have to try (= stay on your meds, go to therapy regularly and no quitting therapy in a snit, work on ways to manage symptoms, etc. )

      Practice this script (or one like it): I’m going to walk away now/go for a drive/go read by myself/listen to music/call my sister/[fill in an activity that you enjoy/destresses]. I’ll check back with you in about an hour/in a bit/around lunchtime/tomorrow morning, and see if you’re up for a respectful conversation. Rinse and repeat. (Thank you to my therapist…)

  50. LovesKitties*

    Some people think that all black cats and orange cats are very sweet-natured, tuxedo cats are bossy, and tortiseshell cats have extra attitude. This seems very unlikely to always (or even usually) be true, but when I think of cats I know or have known well, I haven’t been able to think of any exceptions to this rule. I will slay that the tuxedo cats I know/knew have been/are very sweet natured as well as being kinda bossy.

    Do you know of exceptions to this? Could there possibly be a scientific explanation for this if it is actually true? For example, a Siamese cat is likely to have Siamese characteristics that have been bred into Siamese kitties for a very long time.

    1. Ali G*

      My black cat was not sweet natured lol. She was a grump, but that might be because she had a nice life with a retired couple (my dad’s mom and step dad) and then they moved out and left her with a couple with 3 kids under the age of 6!
      I did have a very sweet and cuddly orange boy. I also had a calico that was more dog than cat. She would greet us at the door when we got home, and we used to play games.
      Names in order or appearance: Jinx, Seamus, Snickers :)

    2. Atheist Nun*

      For 15 years I had a black cat whom I loved very much, but she was a total sh*t. I guess she was sweet natured…toward herself?

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      We have two tuxie girls, sisters, and neither of them is bossy. One is a stereotypical orange tabby boy in disguise – sweet as pie, dumb as rocks, thinks she’s a dog. The other is skittish and standoffish except with my husband who is Her Person.

    4. Missb*

      I honestly can’t think of any of our cats over the years that weren’t true to those rules.

      Our orange cats were dumber than rocks but the sweetest things ever.

      The torties were (and currently are) extra saucy. We live life on their terms.

      I used to have a Manx. She was a good hunter, and very devoted to me.

      1. pancakes*

        I often see people say orange cats are all sharing one brain cell. They do seem like sweeties though!

        I’ve only ever had a calico cat, not sure what they’re supposed to be like.

        1. Mill Miker*

          Our orange cat is too smart for her own good, and has been given the nickname of “little demon” by multiple people independently.

          She can turn on the charm when she wants something though. Her big trick is to use the big eyes and charms to convince you to try and pet her so she can get her teeth in you. She’s so good at playing the sweetheart that she can tempt people who still have the bandaid from the last time.

          1. pancakes*

            I had a dog like that years ago. He would deploy the big, sad eyes and once tricked us into giving him two breakfasts!

    5. Falling Diphthong*

      Destructobot is an orange cat with orange eyes, and she maintains eye contact with this characterization while slowly pushing it off the table.

    6. Turtle Dove*

      I think of orange cats as goofballs: silly with weird personalities. They’re my favorites! We’ve had several, and we currently have two orange-ish male cats labeled by the shelter as buff. One is a big talker, and I think it’s because he was well socialized by the little girl in his former home. The other is very attached to my husband and wakes him up by biting his nose. Both of our buff cats come to us when we call their names, which is delightful.

    7. Cheshire Cat*

      I hope this is an appropriate topic for the weekend post! I could use some advice on who to go to for help in this situation. Thanks for any suggestions!

      I purchased a house last year (my first ever, so yay!) The previous owner had died, so technically I bought it from her estate. Taxes in this county are billed in the fall and due in December; the closing was over the summer. At the closing, the estate paid a proportion of the taxes. The check I brought to the closing included an amount for the remainder of the expected tax amount plus a bit extra.

      In the spring I received a panicked note from my agent saying that the sellers wanted to close the estate, but the taxes hadn’t been paid yet. The probate court wouldn’t allow it to be closed until last year’s taxes were paid. I made numerous calls to my lender and the attorney who handled the closing, trying to find out why the taxes hadn’t been paid. The attorney’s office said they’d sent the tax money from the closing to my lender to be placed in my escrow account; the lender said they hadn’t received it. My lender finally paid after a month or so of going back and forth.

      At that point, the probate court told the sellers that they needed proof that the estate had paid the taxes, and I realized that the sellers hadn’t hired an attorney to settle the estate. If they had, the tax money from the closing would have gone to the attorney’s office and it would have paid when the tax became due.

      My question is, how do I track down what happened to the money that was earmarked for last year’s taxes? I don’t know if I should contact a different attorney, a state watchdog agency, or someone else? My lender is raising my monthly payment for the rest of this year to cover the money they took out of my escrow account, so this isn’t just theoretical. (My mortgage payment is still way less than my apartment rent was so even with the increase it’s still easily affordable. But I can’t help wondering if my $700 is lining someone’s pocket…)

    8. Cheshire Cat*

      I had an orange tabby once who figured out how to open doors. I don’t recall everything he did but he was incredibly smart. I’ve also had two gray tabbies; one was really smart and the other… was not. But they were both very sweet to “their” person.I currently have a black cat and a tuxedo cat who are both sweet. The tuxedo is only bossy when he wants food lol.

    9. too hot go away*

      I have a tortie and she is the sweetest cat imaginable. She always wants a lap to snuggle next to, and is super gentle. I used to be able to differentiate when she was asking for food or playing, but I can’t anymore, and we both find that a little frustrating. But no attitude at all. I read an in depth discussion on cat genetics(fascinating), and I don’t think torties are bred the same way a siamese would be.

    10. anonagain*

      I’m not 100% sure what it means for a cat to be bossy, but the sweetest cat I know is a tuxedo.

    11. mreasy*

      Torties get extra points for sure (RIP to my legendary tortie princess who loves to be 18 and ruled with an iron paw) but I think all my cats have been sweet but bossy. That may be a nurture thing because I am a total pushover!

    12. Voluptuousfire*

      I have a dilute calico and she’s a bellyrub troll. I’ve had calicos before and she’s got a very similar personality to one of them, and I was her person. Very sweet but also fairly skittish. This evening she sat next to me stared at me, rolled on her back to her belly rubs and then decided to make sure my arm was nice and sparkling clean. :-)

    13. Cat’s Cradle*

      I think I read that the gene (genes?) connected to orange fur is/are also paired with a chill temperament. Not sure how true that is or if it holds up for other coats but neat if true.

      I have two greys, two standard tabbies, and one calico and one tortie and their personalities do seem to line up with their coats. The greys are super sweet and super chill but also a bit more loners than the others. The tabbies are smart little extroverts who specialize in finding trouble. The tortie and calico are both demanding little divas with strong opinions.

      Of course, all are fantastic cats!

    14. Felis alwayshungryis*

      We had a tortie who was the sweetest, smoochiest, darling little cat you’d ever meet. Her littermate was a tabby-tortie and she was a total bitch. But we loved them both immensely.

    15. Damn it, Hardison!*

      One of my torties lives up to the reputation, even though technically she’s a calico (90% tortie but white mitts, bib, and a streak down her tummy). She is constantly telling us what she wants and how we are doing it wrong in the crankiest cat voice I have ever heard. She also demands attention and affection and will not stop until she gets exactly want she wants. She is the most aggressively affection cat I’ve had. She also comes running up the stairs squawking and jumps on the bed every morning when she hears me get up. She’s incredibly sweet but it really is on her terms.

      I also have a dilute tortie who wants nothing more in the world to play and have her tummy scratched. She is blissfully uncomplicated and clearly living her best life. Not a tortie by reputation.

    16. The teapots are on fire*

      I had an orange tabby who was perpetually grouchy and a compulsive eater. She had zero chill.

      She had been an outdoor cat in a multi cat household before we got her and I think she wanted to eat ALL THE FOOD before anyone else got it. She would eat so much so fast that she would often regurgitate a bit of it and the re-eat it. We never solved this even with larger or smaller portions or changes of foods.

      It probably didn’t help her mood that the cat we already had was not well socialized to other cats and lived almost twenty years without understanding why other cats got upset when he greeted them by biting them in the butt.

    17. the cat's ass*

      I have an orange tabby exotic Persian, and he is a complete punk. I found him in the dishwasher once. He’s not smart, either, which is par for the course with Persian kitties. Most of my other rescue Persians have been very dim and exceedingly affectionate, and punky boy only a year old so hopefully he’ll mellow out!

    18. LZ*

      I have a tuxedo who is a very happy, pleasant cat – he’s never a jerk, we never see him get angry or even hiss, he’s never scratched anyone, the only time he bites is when you’re petting him in the wrong spot and it’s more of a re-directing nip. BUT he’s also extremely high-energy, he gets the zoomies a LOT, he doesn’t know how to play without making the other cats mad, and he has strange habits like rooting into my partner’s guitar cleaning kit to find the cleaning rags and carry them upstairs. He once ate half a loaf of bread. He chews (but never eats) plastic bags. I say he’s extremely well-meaning and lives in the infinite now. My partner calls him a Friendly Chaos Lord.

    19. Salymander*

      I have had two tortoiseshells that were both not very bright and fairly shy but super sweet. I know of two other tortoiseshells that were the same. I don’t know why some folks think that tortoiseshells have attitude because all the ones I have known are very much not like that.

      I have had 5 orange cats that were all kitty geniuses and super full of friendliness and personality. One of them untied a plastic bag with yarn inside, figured out how to open closed doors that had round doorknobs, and I swear could communicate just like people.

      I had two tabby cats when I was little, and they were both a handful. One would hide under furniture and attack ankles, and would scratch anyone who tried to pet her unless I took her to sit with me in the fireplace. For some reason she would sit in our brick cave and just chill out completely.

      The other tabby attacked both of my parents, but she had reasons. She was a tiny kitten, and my parents grabbed her and tried to force a flea collar on her. She shredded both my parents, so they put on gloves. She shredded the gloves and they put on winter coats and thick work gloves. They never did get that collar on her neck.
      Kitty 1, Parents 0

  51. tangerineRose*

    A lot of domesticated animals, like dogs, cats, horses, goats, llamas, chickens come in a wide variety of colors and sometimes sizes.

    I’ve been trying to think of wild animals that have such wide variety in a single species and am not coming up with anything. Maybe some kind of bird or fish?

    2. PollyQ*

      Frogs! The smallest one, which is also the world’s smallest vertebrate across all species, is about 1/3″, and the largest is about 12″. (Google “frog dime” for an amazing photo of the teeny bebe forg!) They also come in all kinds of colors & patterns.

      1. RagingADHD*

        But those are all classified as different species, aren’t they? Not variations within a single species.

        Perhaps part of the issue is the way species are distinguished. Could an African dwarf frog and a common North American pond frog reproduce the way a dachshund and a Yorkie could? The dachshund and the corgi are the same species.

    3. RagingADHD*

      Wild animals have their size and coloration for practical purposes, like camouflage or mating displays. Mutations that deviate too far from the norm are rare because they undermine their chances of survival and reproduction. Offspring with dwarfism or another major mutation would be abandoned or killed, or would have less chance of attracting a mate.

      Humans collect and breed mutants for aesthetic reasons.

      1. tangerineRose*

        That makes sense. A zebra who looked different from the other zebras might be easier for a lion to focus on. A deer who didn’t blend into the forest would be easier prey for wolves and cougars.

        In captivity, a lot of different looks/sizes aren’t a life or death matter.

    4. Double A*

      The variety of coats is actually an effect of domestication. There was someone who tried to domesticate foxes and selected for personality, but their coats also started to have more variety like you see in cats and dogs. I think there’s scientific discussion of this, but I’m not sure how to find it.

      1. Double A*

        Here’s an article about the fox breeding experiment: https://evolution-outreach.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s12052-018-0090-x

        It seems like the phenomenon you’re talking about is actually called “Domestication Syndrome:” “many domesticated species share a suite of characteristics including floppy ears, short, curly tails, juvenilized facial and body features, reduced stress hormone levels, mottled fur, and relatively long reproductive seasons.”

        1. Double A*

          Ha yes! You must have asked this before my comment with link got approved. I forgot it was an experiment and not just “some guy” who wanted adorable domesticated foxes.

        1. KoiFeeder*

          Yes/no/it’s complicated.

          You get black, brown, “steel” (that’s a bluey-gray), gray, red, orange, and gold. Black and brown are the two most common colors, with the others only showing up occasionally (being very brightly colored being a good way to get eaten and all). White is theoretically possible, but as it requires recessive in both black genes and the red gene (yes, koi have TWO melanin genes), it doesn’t usually show up in the wild and the fry usually end up as snacks. Black-brown is just whether one or both melanin genes are expressed. Gray and “steel” are caused by iridophore expression. Red-orange-gold is the same mutation impacted by carotenes in the diet and the genetics of carotene metabolism. Patterning is even rarer, and you are very unlikely to see a wild kohaku unless there’s some domestic koi in its genes.

          All the finning and scale mutations were brought in from wild-caught carp from other locations that were bred with the koi stocks. You wouldn’t see them Japan, but there’s wild mirror carp in Germany (note that the term for a scaleless/mirror koi is in fact “Doitsu”) and the longfin carp is native to Indonesia.

          Wild carp are actually more variable in size- usually koi stay two-three feet maximum, whereas wild koi can be 1-4 feet and anywhere in between.

          1. KoiFeeder*

            Oh, and also being a mirror/leather carp impacts what their color looks like! So there’s variation on that front, too.

    6. Generic Name*

      I know that various birds, such as the Red-tailed Hawk, but I know there are others, have some variations in feather color within a species. Often the variation is based on geography, but sometimes it’s not.

  52. Laura H.*

    Little Joys Thread

    What brought you joy this week?

    I’ve made another trip around the Sun today. 31 was a rough year but 32 looks promising. Family celebration tonight with friend celebration tomorrow after mass.

    Please share your joys.

    1. Ins mom*

      I had lunch with college friends this week I hadn’t seen one in 30 years; the other had been about a year. We had a terrific outdoor visit. Why the heck did I wait so long?

    2. fposte*

      We’re very glad you made your circuit, Laura. You bring us joys every week, and it’s appreciated.

      I’m feeling better after a bit of a health dip, including some progress in physical therapy that should allow me to be more active again, so I’m pretty psyched.

    3. The Person from the Resume*

      I think I can say I’m recovered from COVID. Very little coughing left, but I haven’t tried athletic activity yet. (It’s so hot or rainy.)

      I’m having a rough day motivation-wise, but I’m using the pomodora method and getting some cooking done.

    4. AGD*

      Mostly interpersonal stuff this week – a wonderful get-together at Non Weekend Place and a lovely email from a friend!

    5. Dark Macadamia*

      Went swimming this morning! We had a heat wave hit at the same time that the family got Covid so it felt like we were missing out on basically the only tolerable activity we could’ve done, but we’re past the isolation period now (and ended up having the pool to ourselves anyway)

    6. Voluptuousfire*

      Traveling for work next week, so I got my haircut, a pedi and my eyebrows done. I even splurged for a glycolic peel, so I feel great for the first time in awhile.

      Also traveling for work. I get to meet my new corworkers.

    7. GoryDetails*

      Watching several different species of bees happily sipping on the nectar from my bee balm (it’s aptly named!). It’s only a small patch of flowers but it’s quite literally buzzing all day long.

    9. Cookies For Breakfast*

      Happy birthday! Mine is next week and I hope I can reach that same feeling of closing the door on a rough year. Wishing you the promising 32 you hope for, and more :)

      My little joy: staying out for dinner with some of the people from a social sports group I’m part of. I rarely attend because of scheduling, and even more rarely stick around for food, because I have a long journey home. The restaurant was lovely and great value for money, and I enjoyed the company (more to the point, and to my Very Awkward Person’s surprise, it seemed mutual). It’s the closest I’ve felt to possibly starting to make friends in this big city in my 30s. Knowing myself though, the hardest part will be keeping it up.

    10. the cat's ass*

      Happy birthday!

      Went back to school shopping with DD and it was a lot of fun because she’s so chill.

      I have next week off for camping/back to school/just a sec to breathe!

      Seeing friends today for tea and cookies!

    11. Chaordic One*

      I was shopping at my local Dollar Tree and after ringing up my purchases, I looked in my wallet and it appeared that I might not have enough money to pay for everything. I was going to put a few items back when the clerk said, “I know you. You come in here all the time. Why don’t you pay what you can now. and then get some money and come back and pay the rest later.” I was pleasantly surprised by her generous offer. I was going to dig out my credit card to pay for everything, but after fumbling around some more I found that I did have enough money to pay for everything. Still. There are some decent people left in the world.

    12. Pippa K*

      England (Lionesses) won the women’s Euro2022 final today! Attendance at the match was over 87,000, the highest-ever attendance at a Euro final, men’s OR women’s. As someone who had to play on a boys’ team for a while when I was a kid because there weren’t any girls’ teams for my age group, I am beyond delighted to see how popular women’s football/soccer has become.

  53. Dining room chairs*

    Dining room chairs! I have some great dining room chairs but they were cushioned and the cats have finally destroyed them – in fairness to chairs, they held up for many years; some cats are more “climby” than others! Does anyone have chairs that either survived their cats or are not cushioned they like? Thanks!

    1. mreasy*

      I have had wood-and-metal ikea chairs that held up well. Currently we have some plastic MCM repro dining chairs in a bright color that are indestructible.

    2. AL*

      I have some windsor dining chairs I like from Pottery Barn (if you like the style, just google windsor dining chairs and you’ll see lots of options!). They are wood, so my cats have no interest in them other than snoozing in the seat on occasion.

    3. Dancing Otter*

      Could you replace the fabric? Or get covers such as are used by caterers & event planners?

    4. Kw10*

      I have Article Svelti chairs and they’re surprisingly comfortable! (Hard plastic, modern/MCM aesthetic, come in some cool colors.) Very cat proof :)

    5. Maryn*

      We taught ourselves how to reupholster the seats of chairs. If you can gift-wrap a rectangular box neatly, you can do this! You simply unscrew the screws that hold the upholstered seat in place, cut fabric big enough to fit, allowing 2 inches or more to wrap around the underside. Fold neatly like wrapping a present, and use a staple gun to hold it in place. Side one, the front, side two the back, then the sides last.

      We ended up redoing the dining room and the kitchen tables’ chair seats.

  54. anonagain*

    I am moving across the US and have a relatively short period of time to coordinate this move. Are there any “how to” guides on this? So far my planning has consisted of vaguely intending to book an Airbnb for the first few months and looking up animal shelters in my new city…

    1. AL*

      I recently made a cross country move and you can google cross country move checklist for some decent guides! Are you familiar with your future location at all? Do you plan to rent or buy? If you know the general area you want/need to live in, I’d recommend creating a short list of apartments if renting or contacting a realtor if buying.

      1. anonagain*

        This is helpful! Thanks, AL. I’ve never been to my new city/state, so it’ll be an adventure in that regard.

    2. Dancing Otter*

      Those lists are always a yard long. Here are a few pointers from my experience.

      Housing aside, next issue is licenses. There’s usually a time limit to get an in-state driver’s license without penalty. Assuming you have a vehicle, same applies to the registration. Check the state website for information. If you hold a professional license, that site should also have a link for how to get it transferred or reciprocated.

      If you know you won’t be staying long at your initial address, it might be worth getting a PO box (maybe near work for convenience). Having mail forwarded is enough of a pain. Having it forwarded twice practically guarantees a lot of it will be lost or seriously delayed. Put everything you can on electronic delivery, and update your mailing address with **everybody** to the PO box ASAP. You still need to create a forwarding order online at the USPS website, but that’s your second line of defense.

      Do you have a safety deposit box? Don’t forget to retrieve the contents. Make sure your bank has branches or at least in-network ATMs in your new city. For some things, cash is just easier. And if you’re going to need to change banks, better to know that sooner than later.

      1. anonagain*

        The PO box idea is brilliant. Thank you! Good call on the bank/ATM issue too. I wasn’t even thinking about that.

      2. anon24*

        To add onto the licenses, if your vision is not great or your eyes are not perfect budget for an eye exam and make sure you build time in for that. I wear glasses and can see perfectly well with mine, but my interpupillary distance (distance between my pupils) is incredibly narrow. I just moved and when I went to get my new license they made me check my vision in an electronic reader but because my eyes are so narrow I literally could not see half the screen. The lady was yelling at me saying I was blind and I was trying to explain that the letters wouldn’t even show up. In my state you can adjust the viewer for your eyes, not the viewers.here. I ended up having to schedule and pay for an eye exam and the doctor said “yeah, this happens all the time”. Then I had to go back and sit at the DMV again so i could show them signed paperwork that I can safely drive. I was furious.

        1. anonagain*

          This is wild! I need to drive for work so I appreciate the heads-up about this. I never would’ve thought of it!

          1. Bob-White of the Glen*

            I’ve been in two states the last 15 years, and in both I waited until my DL expired in the last state to get the new license. Heck, CA even renewed it while I lived in the next state. A month ago I finally (3 years) got my license in my new state. No one batted an eye. I’d say wait until you have a real address. But I did register my car properly ASAP.

            Bad news about the PO Box (this may be office specific as the PO in the town I am in now is horrible and very bureaucratic with tons of attitude. Never had a problem before I moved here.), but you can’t get a PO Box long distance (I think). You have to go into the new location to sign up for one. I kindof understand they are trying to avoid fraud, but my old town PO was willing to vouch for me, do the paper work, collect and send all my info in, etc., but it was a hard no. So I had to have my mail held at the old one and forwarded after I was finally issued a PO Box. You can send your mail general delivery until you get a box if you want also.

            Good luck with the move and have a blast in the new place. This is a great adventure!

  55. Cheshire Cat*

    I hope this is an appropriate topic for the weekend post! I could use some advice on who to go to for help in this situation. Thanks for any suggestions!

    I purchased a house last year (my first ever, so yay!) The previous owner had died, so technically I bought it from her estate. Taxes in this county are billed in the fall and due in December; the closing was over the summer. At the closing, the estate paid a proportion of the taxes. The check I brought to the closing included an amount for the remainder of the expected tax amount plus a bit extra.

    In the spring I received a panicked note from my agent saying that the sellers wanted to close the estate, but the taxes hadn’t been paid yet. The probate court wouldn’t allow it to be closed until last year’s taxes were paid. I made numerous calls to my lender and the attorney who handled the closing, trying to find out why the taxes hadn’t been paid. The attorney’s office said they’d sent the tax money from the closing to my lender to be placed in my escrow account; the lender said they hadn’t received it. My lender finally paid after a month or so of going back and forth.

    At that point, the probate court told the sellers that they needed proof that the estate had paid the taxes, and I realized that the sellers hadn’t hired an attorney to settle the estate. If they had, the tax money from the closing would have gone to the attorney’s office and it would have paid when the tax became due.

    My question is, how do I track down what happened to the money that was earmarked for last year’s taxes? I don’t know if I should contact a different attorney, a state watchdog agency, or someone else? My lender is raising my monthly payment for the rest of this year to cover the money they took out of my escrow account, so this isn’t just theoretical. (My mortgage payment is still way less than my apartment rent was so even with the increase it’s still easily affordable. But I can’t help wondering if my $700 is lining someone’s pocket…)

    2. fposte*

      Congrats on the house! I got a little lost at one point–even if the sellers had no attorney, the taxes that you paid at closing should have gone somewhere. Is the issue that your lender paid the taxes directly rather than disbursing them to the seller first?

      Realistically speaking, it may be cheaper for you to pay $700 than to hire a lawyer on this, but you can certainly contact some attorneys to see what they’d charge to handle it. I’d also get back to the attorney you had on the closing, as this may well be within their remit; check your contract and see what they say. IME attorneys often take a bit of a gamble on closing fees, giving a flat rate since usually it’s a rubber-stamp situation. They may just have lost their gamble with you.

      1. Cheshire Cat*

        “The money should have gone somewhere” — that’s exactly the issue, it just seems to have disappeared.

        1. fposte*

          Right, but I’m not clear who’s saying they paid the tax directly. Did your lender pay the seller or pay the county?

    3. RagingADHD*

      Definitely call the attorney who handled the closing for you, and raise holy hell with your lender. Somebody screwed up, and it wasn’t you, and they can’t legally make you pay the taxes twice.

      However much $700 represents in your hourly wage, it is worth that many hours for you to keep calling and pestering them until they sort this out.

    4. Dancing Otter*

      Note: this is based on US, specifically Illinois, real estate rules.

      Dig out the closing statement, the one with the columns of numbers under Seller and Buyer, and reread it. (Might have been labeled a settlement statement.)

      When I bought my house, the prorated taxes were charged against the seller (reducing the cash they got from the sale) and credited to the buyer. This reduced the total amount due, earnest money plus cash at closing plus loan amount, on my side. They were *not* placed in my mortgage escrow account. I wish they had been — like you, I got hit with a painful increase in the escrow portion of my monthly payment when the first tax bill came due.

      Having recently closed an estate, I think your sellers’ probate lawyer should have been able to use the closing statement to show the estate did not owe unpaid real estate taxes. Sounds like they tried to cheap out on legal representation all around.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      Okay so the attorney said he sent it to the lender. But the lender did not get it.

      Does the attorney have proof it was sent? What address was it sent to or was it done electronically?
      If done electronically was there a confirmation number?

      I think the attorney should call the lender themselves. I see no reason why you are chasing this one.

      You can ask your state attorney general to investigate. No money out of your pocket and you may find your money. In my state the state comptroller does audits of various places and entities. You might check with the financial wing of your state government also.

      I have to say. My father was gone 4 years and I got a call from the bank. The bank had been bought up by another bank. The buyer bank was checking on their assets- open accounts. They wanted to know if my father planned on using his home equity line of credit. I said probably not since he died 4 years earlier. They moved on to inquiring about my mother. I said she passed 14 years ago and remains UNinterested in using the line of credit.
      Dead silence on the phone. Then I hear, “Hey, Harry, BOTH of them are dead on this one!” (wth, how many times has this happened?)

      The attorney blamed the bank for not closing the line of credit. The bank blamed the attorney. It was like dealing with kindergarten kids. Since there was no money involved, I skipped to saying, can we just please close the account. For all I know it is still open.

      So this is probably a frequent problem transferring from attorney to lender and we just don’t realize. If you feel that you have done enough of THEIR work, then just go ahead and contact the state agencies I mentioned above. While you are there you can as the AG if they will tell your lender to set you back on your previous payment amount before all this smoke and mirrors happened.

      1. Cheshire Cat*

        I’m doing this myself because the attorney & the lender will not work it out between them. Thanks for the suggestion to contact the AG’s office, I’ll try that this week.

    6. RC Rascal*

      Did you use a title company?

      If so get out the statement & check it. Title companies make errors all the time. That’s pretty much why you have to have title insurance.

      It’s possible the title company was supposed to pay someone & didn’t. I’m on the board of a condo association and have witnessed multiple title company errors ( usually title company not collecting or paying outstanding assessments). It’s plausible a title company didn’t pay the taxes even if it was included in the transaction.

    7. Clisby*

      Maybe I’m misunderstanding something, but based on: “The attorney’s office said they’d sent the tax money from the closing to my lender to be placed in my escrow account; the lender said they hadn’t received it. My lender finally paid after a month or so of going back and forth.” So it sounds like your $700 is accounted for?

      1. Cheshire Cat*

        The money never made it to my escrow account. The lender paid last year’s taxes eventually, but now they’re increasing my mortgage payment to make up the “shortfall” in my escrow account.

    8. Cheshire Cat*

      Thank you all for the suggestions! I’ll try reaching out to my state Attorney General & I hope they can help, or at least tell me who can.

      1. Kay*

        It should be pretty simple for your attorney to prove whether the check issued to your lender was cashed or not… If it wasn’t – simple fix to reissue. This sounds pretty sloppy all around so good luck!

  56. Can’t Sit Still*

    I finally have the keys to my condo and I got the locks changed today. I’m very excited and moving in next week. However.

    The seller inherited the condo from his father who passed away almost two years ago. No one has lived in it since the previous owner became sick, as the HOA requires the units be owner occupied. The refrigerator has a truly awful smell, because it’s likely the food sat and rotted for an extended period of time. What’s the best way to get the smell out? The freezer is fine. I made ice yesterday and there was no odor in the ice.

    My only other complaint is that the vinyl flooring in the kitchen is hideous. It’s a nice cream color in the afternoon and a light brown in the evening, but it’s bright yellow-orange in the morning. It’s awful and doesn’t match the rest of the renovations, which are cream and blue, so I’m assuming it looked cream in the store. Suggestions for how I avoid that happening again are welcome! I’m tentatively planning on redoing the vinyl floors in the spring, so I’ve got plenty of time. The windows face northeast, which definitely affects the light and colors in the unit.

    1. Sabine the Very Mean*

      Bowl of vinegar and a bowl of baking soda. Change daily until it works. Clean the hell out of the rubber components which are absorbing the smell.

      1. RC Rascal*

        This. Baking soda seems to work better if you spread it on a plate rather than a bowl. More surface area.

        If you use bleach you will never get the smell of that out of the refrigerator.

        I feel your pain— this happened to me when I bought my place. Seller cut off the utilities & fridge molded. If I wasn’t broke from the sale I would have just replaced it.

        1. Can’t Sit Still*

          I do have to stick my face inside to get the smell, it’s not wafting out when I open the door. I’ll try the baking soda in a baking sheet and hopefully, that will take care of it.

      2. Anono-me*

        Refrigerator gaskets, for at least some brands, are easy to replace (jusr a bit fiddly). The gaskets aren’t exactly cheap, except when compared to the price of a new whole refrigerator.

        Congratulations on your new home.

        Three bits of advice, if you would welcome them:

        1. Paint the closets with a very sturdy whiteish paint now as you are never going to want to actually do it after you have moved in. (And prior owner/s probably didn’t either. )

        2. Put good extension cords in any outlet that will be blocked by heavy furniture. Someday you may be glad you did.

        3. Start a home history book. Probably start with the selling realtor ‘s advertising flyer* and a photo of your family moving in. Add paint colors, appliance warranty and instruction manuals, contact information for repair services etc. (The sale flyer is nice to have for sentimental reasons, but it also usually has the room dimensions and information about things like when the furnace was replaced.

    2. fposte*

      I would wipe it the hell down with bleach, paying special attention, as Sabine says, to the rubber gasket parts.

      On the tile, one way to avoid the problem is to take home a sample tile and keep an eye on its color throughout the day. I’d put it against white posterboard to avoid its being influenced by the existing tile, but also move it next to the cabinets and such to see how they play off each other.

      1. Westsidestory*

        This is excellent advice as far as picking a new tile. If your plan is to stick with vinyl tile, rather than ceramic, I’ve found the peel-and stick ones so easy I’ve actually done two apartment kitchen with them. My brother is a contractor and recommends Traffic Master as a good brand.

    3. PollyQ*

      I once had a used fridge in a rental apartment that had a nasty mildew smell, and the landlords tried all kinds of things to get it clean. The smell never went away, and they eventually bought me a new fridge. I think the problem is that the odor sinks into the plastic & foam innards and there’s no great way to get it out.

    5. Mephyle*

      Re floor colour, when you find some you like, ask for a sample of each that you can take home. It shouldn’t have to be very big to check how it changes colour in different lighting.

    6. Weegie*

      I had a freezer smell problem after a power cut occurred while I was away for a month and everything in it rotted. I tried baking soda, vinegar, coffee grounds and bleach, but in the end the only thing that really worked was a fridge deodoriser. It just sits inside the appliance and does its magic. I think I left it there for a month or so, and the odour disappeared.

    7. bratschegirl*

      Like PollyQ said, the smell may not go away if it’s permeated the plastic, but in addition to the other suggestions here you can get bags of activated charcoal that are made to absorb odor from fridge, closets, etc. and that would be worth a try. They are made to be “recharged” by being set out in the sun, but here with such strong odor I might just toss them after a few days and keep putting in new ones. You will know in a week or so whether it’s working.

    8. Ali G*

      At my husbands former house, a painter unplugged the fridge to move it and paint behind it – and didn’t plug it back in. This was the height of summer and the AC was off (the place was being cleaned from smoke damage). We would only go there on weekends, so it was week before it was discovered.
      After it was cleaned we still had a bad odor coming from it. It turned out some of the…sludge…from the rotting food made it down underneath the fridge where there is a condensation pan. Once we got that out and cleaned, the smell finally went away.

  57. AL*

    Due to a job relocation, I recently moved to a city where a good friend from college lives. We had always stayed in touch. Now that we live just 20 minutes away, she has flaked out every time we had actual plans to meet in person (about half a dozen times, and each time she canceled at the last minute for silly reasons like her husband oversleeping). I was a little disappointed, particularly since our kids are the same age and it would have been nice for them to meet, but I’ve met others through work and my child’s summer activities. She still texts anywhere between 1 and 6 times a day (usually about cute things her kid did, things that happened on play dates that she could have invited me and my kid to, asking for meal or book ideas, etc.). I don’t really have the energy to maintain a virtual friendship with someone who lives in the same area. The last couple weeks, I’ve tapered back from responding as often, but she still continues to text frequently. Is there a nice way to let her know that I’m around if she wants to meet in person, but don’t want to text anymore?

    1. Sabine the Very Mean*

      Probably not. This is how she wants the friendship to go and that’s how you want the friendship to go. And those don’t match. She can only offer what she is offering so you’ll have to decide for yourself if you’ll accept it. No need to tell her she didn’t do what you expected her to do. Just don’t text if you don’t want to. Sounds like a surface level friendship now. Neither of you are wrong but likely not going to be good friends now.

      1. Despachito*

        I would not say “neither of you are wrong”.

        Not wanting to meet in person would not be wrong but agreeing on it and then flaking out definitely is VERY wrong and disrespectful.

    2. Ins mom*

      Can you tell her you aren’t much into texting a lot but really look forward to meeting face to face? If she takes offense, you are no worse off than before

    3. Despachito*

      She seems to be a bit selfish – she disrespects your time (I can understand that someone does not want to meet but in such a case I’d find some polite excuse for NOT setting a meeting at all, not flaking out – I consider this to be SUPER rude and would not do that to an enemy, let alone a friend)

      And the texting in this situation seems to be all about her, which I consider to be selfish as well. (I am absolutely not interested someone describing me what they/their kid did if they do not reciprocate).

      If I were you, I would reconsider if I really want her to meet in person (given she flaked out on you six times, I would not want this to happen again and would probably give up once I found out this is a pattern out of silly reasons, as you stated), and what you already did – limited responding to her texts, definitely not responding to every one. If you want to be nice and noncommittal, I’d reply like once in a while stating “nice to hear from you! sorry I missed your texts but I am super busy, glad you are doing fine”.

      But generally, she does not seem a person I would like to invest in.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      I have to chuckle- it could be that she texts everyone in her life and that saves her from meeting in person because she is using up all her time texting.

      I agree that this is the relationship that is being offered. Decide you can make it work or decide that it’s too much work for not much friendship.

      You could just say, “I am not much on texting and sometimes I just can’t answer. However, I am a big fan of grabbing a cup of coffee/movie/whatever. When you want to do that let me know.”

    5. Nina_Bee*

      Maybe it’s just a habit? Since you’ve lived apart for so long she’s used to being friends with you virtually, and is perhaps still in that mindset or acting like that despite you being in the same city. Especially if she’s a busy mom. You can always be ‘politely unavailable’ but leave some time for her to ‘realise’ you’re actually available in the real world. Habits can take a while to change.

    6. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain*

      You can definitely tell someone you don’t want “life update” texts all day. I’ve done that with friends, who I do maintain an IRL friendship with. Just make it about your preferences and not about her flakiness. Something like, “friend, I’ve gotten so busy/stressed/distracted lately that I prefer texts only when there in an urgent matter. I’m happy to read/like your life updates on FB or IG, but I’m going to ask you to stop/limit texting me.”

    7. Generic Name*

      This reminds me of men from dating apps who wanted to text/message back and forth all day but never wanted to meet up. I have no idea if they were bored with their lives and just wanted a texting buddy or were just too timid to ask me out, but it didn’t work for me. Like some others, I’m giving your friend the side eye here for wanting to take up so much of your day with low-effort communication but being flaky when it comes to meeting in person. I think you can absolutely say that because of work/whatever responsibilities you’ve got going on, you can’t keep up with chatting via text constantly, but you’d love to meet up sometime to catch up. Ask her to reach out to make plans and then put her notifications on silent and look at her messages once a week and respond if you want to.

  58. Hexiv*

    Twice in the last week, when I’ve loaded up AskAManager.org on my browser (on my laptop), Avast Antivirus has been triggered. Has anyone else encountered this issue?

    1. RosyGlasses*

      Yes – I sent a tech issue request to Allison yesterday and would recommend you do the same and take a screenshot of the block. It kept popping up every 30 seconds and I have given up reading AAM on my computer, sadly.

    2. Chaordic One*

      This happens to me, too. I let it scan in the background and forget about it. Eventually I will look at it. It never seems to detect any viruses so I close it. It really hasn’t been a problem although it’s a minor annoyance.

    3. Ask a Manager* Post author

      I looked into this. It’s an ordinary ad-tracker being “caught” as a virus for some reason — we’ve let that ad provider know and it should be fixed shortly.

  59. CoffeeIsMyFriend*

    My partner’s sibling and their fiancé just left after a four day visit. We have a bathroom attached to our bedroom so I didn’t have a reason to be in the other upstairs bathroom during most of their visit, but I had to grab an item from that bathroom today and realized they had been using and flushing the “flushable” bathroom wet wipes. The darn things are labeled “flushable” but they really aren’t and I know a lot of people don’t know that. Since they were leaving anyway, I didn’t say anything, but I am wondering how to bring it up in the future and ask them not to flush them? Suggestions on how to bring it up?

    1. AL*

      Did you have the wet wipes in the bathroom, or did they bring them? If the former, I’d just take them out of the bathroom the next time they visit.

      1. CoffeeIsMyFriend*

        They brought them. They were on the back of the toilet when I went in to grab some stuff this morning. My husband gives our son a bath in that bathroom and when I asked him he said the wipes have been there the entire time. I know they were being flushed because one had floated up from after the last flush… My husband was unaware that they Are not flusheable

        1. AL*

          I see. Etsy might have some cute ‘toilet paper only, please’ signs. Between that and having a covered trash can in the bathroom, hopefully they’d get the hint. Or you could casually mention it the next time they stay with you and you show them to their room. “Here’s extra TP if you need it, and just wanted to ask that you put wet wipes in the trash if you brought them, please!”

    2. AGD*

      You could just say nothing and either quietly remove them from the bathroom before the next visit or just label the can “attention all guests: not actually flushable in these pipes!” well in advance.

    3. Squidhead*

      Just say it! Don’t reference this just-ended visit, but next time say “the guest toilet is fairly fussy so we don’t flush anything but waste and toilet paper. There’s a lidded trash can for anything else.” (Put a good liner in the can!) Our old house/old toilets frequently require two flushes and I’d much rather awkwardly tell people once than deal with half-flushed toilets all week! (People don’t notice it hasn’t fully flushed, I think, because they close the lid before flushing.)

      1. RagingADHD*

        Yes. When you have houseguests it’s a normal thing to tell them specific parameters or quirks of the house. Please don’t hint around or try to be cutesy with signs or nonsense like that. These are your friends, in your own house. It’s not a public bathroom where you have to put up signs for strangers.

        There is nothing cute or discreet about backed up plumbing, and there is nothing rude or indelicate about practical instructions.

        1. UKDancer*

          Yes. Just tell people what the rules / peculiarities of the house are. Everywhere is different and has slightly different rules. I stayed with a friend last month and she told me to make sure to flush twice because the plumbing was sluggish. When I have visitors I explain that the shower knobs need to be turned completely to the off position or the shower head drips.

          Places have their own rules. I think the best thing is to be as matter of fact as possible. It’s not like it’s a personal attack, you’re just telling them how things work.

    4. Heckofabecca*

      Just be straightforward! “Hey, just a head’s up that after the last time you were here, we discovered that our toilets don’t flush the wet wipes you use, so if you could make sure they go in the trash and not the toilet that’d be really appreciated. Thanks!”

      I hope you had a nice visit from them otherwise!

    5. mreasy*

      “Just a heads up, our plumbing is picky so please put anything other than TP into the bathroom trash.” And provide a covered bathroom trash can with a liner for the purpose.

      1. Despachito*

        This!

        Just mention it casually and matter-of-factly, I think this should not be a big deal at all if they are otherwise decent. Think of the way you would want to hear it yourself were you in their situation.

      2. Girasol*

        That’s about what I said when a guest was flushing tampons and we were on rural septic. It’s as good a statement as you can make, I suppose, but didn’t save the embarrassment all around. I think you just have to brace up and expect that.

    6. Really?*

      My friend who works at a water treatment plant says these are not flushable anywhere. They have to halt work and hand remove these and similar items.

      Provide a trash can with a trash bag. Or zip lock baggies. Tell them to use that next time.

      They are your husbands relatives. He should tell them not to use them next time they visit. And if they use them anyway, send them to a hotel. Even if it is in the middle of a visit.

      1. Salymander*

        Yep. My husband runs the water treatment plant in a large city. Do not ask him about The Wipes unless you want to hear a long rant about how bad they are. Apparently, The Wipes are the Devil’s Instruments.

    7. Trawna*

      “The darn things are labeled “flushable” but they really aren’t, so please don’t. Thanks so much.”

    8. Cordelia*

      I’d just say it, I dont know why it would have to be a Thing. “Oh, these aren’t really flushable, next time can you put them in the trash? thanks!”
      But if you don’t feel able to do it yourself, can’t you just get your partner to tell them? this is their sibling – if they grew up together, surely wet wipes aren’t going to be a subject too unbearably awkward to broach!

  60. LetTheSunshineIn*

    An out there question for you:

    Does anyone know the third party vendor that White Castle uses for their gift cards?

    Thank you!

  62. Elizabeth West*

    Did anyone else see Nope? What did you think? I looooooooooved it! Definitely one to see in the theater.

  63. beentheredonethat*

    Welcome Mat. My front door mat collects dirt and looks filthy all the time. Does anyone have a mat that is does it job and doesn’t look filthy all the time

    1. WellRed*

      Well the whole point is to collect dirt ;) have you looked at Waterhog mats which suck up a lot but are also sweepable.

      1. beentheredonethat*

        yeah, it does a great job of collecting dirt. Shaking and sweeping for 5 minutes does clean it up. I am thinking of changing from black to brown to hide the dirt better.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      That’s hard to escape. I have used a hose to clean mine and sometimes I use a wet/dry vac.

      If you have space to put a runner up to the mat that would take some of the work load off the mat. Basically the mat is doing the job you got it for. I also have runners inside the doors because they pick up even more stuff that the welcome mat missed.

      You might look at the mats that businesses use- a combo of rug material and rubber backing, usually black rubber backing and the rug material is dark. Those do collect a lot of stuff but they seem to clean up good.

      1. beentheredonethat*

        pretty and pricey I think I found out my issue. I bought a cheap one at Walmart.

    4. RagingADHD*

      Do you have one inside and one outside? I keep a more abrasive one outside, like coconut coir or a ribbed one, and then another one inside that’s more like a rug. Definitely no solid colors for the inside one. A multicolor pattern hides the dirt better.

    5. pancakes*

      Have a look at the ones made by Chilewich, they’re washable. I think LL Bean makes washable ones too.

        1. Susie*

          We have two Chilewich runner rugs and they are amazing. We’re saving up to buy two more for our kitchen.
          They are amazing. They never look dirty but when I shake them out, so much dirt falls out. I love them.

    6. Imtheone*

      I have one made from pieces of Flip-flops-the ends that get cut off at the factory. It has lasted forever. Dirt goes behind. Then a carpet mat inside and no shoes in the house, if possible. Certainly no shoes upstairs.

    7. Girasol*

      I got the kind that are black rubbery stuff over a sisal mat so there’s non-slip rubber underneath and a nice Welcome pattern on top. They look good but I can un-recommend that kind. The rubbery pattern on top fragments and I can’t keep the little black bits from tracking in and getting all over the carpets.

  64. Teapot Translator*

    Do you have any recommendations for website for physical therapy exercises? Maybe a YouTube channel? I like Upright Health. I’m looking for more.

    1. AL*

      Not exactly physical therapy, but Yoga with Adriene is a great YouTube channel and she has a lot of sessions targeted toward certain muscle groups or ailments.

    2. fposte*

      Bob and Brad are pretty good. There are also some with more focused specialties, if you’re willing to share the issue.

      1. Teapot Translator*

        I’m trying to relieve tight quads and calves. Whenever I go to have a massage, the pain in the quads is unbelievable.

      2. WoodswomanWrites*

        Another recommendation for Bob and Brad. They know their stuff and explain it well, plus they’re entertaining.

    3. MMB*

      Dr. Jo is excellent and has a whole series of videos focusing on different muscle groups as well a few full body routines.

  65. Eye Surgery Recovery*

    Anyone here ever had surgery to fix a detached retina?

    I had surgery almost 3 weeks ago, and things were coming along. Then my retina detached again and I needed an additional surgery, and the surgeon put in what he called a ‘retinal buckle’ to hold my retina in place. He referred to it as the ‘belt and suspenders’ solution. I had to do 5 days of full face-down duty (which was brutal — OMG) and was released from that last week, although I have to do a modified, easier version of it for one more week and I can sleep on my side now, which is a huge relief.

    My bad eye has been dilated for awhile, and so I’ve been hibernating in my bedroom with all the curtains drawn. Today I fired up my laptop to try and take care of a few things, and even with the brightness setting at the lowest level, it was still super bright. I WFH and my work area is all windows, so my sweet hubby will be installing some room darkening shades so it doesn’t feel like I’m stepping onto the surface of the sun.

    I’m wondering how long this sensitivity to light will last, and what I can do to ease back into working on my laptop, as I’m hoping to be able to work at least a few hours next week. I’ve been trying to spend more time in natural light, but beyond that I’m not sure what to do. It’s been really weird just staying in the bedroom, which is like a cave at the moment.

    This particular eye has always been a little wonky — the eye doctor told me for years that the optic nerve was a bit unusual, and that we’d have to monitor it, the vision in that eye has always been a little worse than my other eye, and so on — so this was probably bound to happen sooner or later. But man, it has been quite a process so far.

    1. WellRed*

      No advice just sympathy. This sounds torturous. This seems obvious, but do sunglasses help?

    2. fueled by coffee*

      Oh, I’m so sorry – this sounds agonizing!

      I wonder whether looking into a blue light filtering app for your laptop might help? I have programmed into my phone at night and it looks noticeably dimmer to me when it kicks in. Probably won’t fix the issue, but hopefully it will make working on a computer more tolerable!

    3. Tib*

      Oh no! My retina is in the process of maybe detaching, so I’m in that awkward active waiting stage. Would either polarized sunglasses or an eye patch help? I have sunglasses that are so light I often forget I’m wearing them instead of my regular glasses and wear them inside. It definitely makes things dinner but I can still get around and read (or could if they were that sort of prescription). And there are some that surround the eye for people that are light sensitive.

    4. Lifelong student*

      I do not have any experience with this- but I have found that yellow sunglasses cut down glare significantly. I use them at night because headlights were blinding me. There are clip ons you can put over prescription glasses if you need those.

    5. Imtheone*

      My daughter had a different eye condition that required dilating the pupil. The light sensitivity is from the dilation, and perhaps from some inflammation related to the healing process.
      Some things that helped: tape a piece of paper over the lens of the glasses on the side of the sensitive eye. Maybe a piece of gray translucent plastic would work or the lens from a cheap pair of sunglasses.
      I have a relative who would buy drugstore readers in different strengths and move the lenses. Maybe there is a compatible cheap sunglasses lens that would work.
      Of course, turn down the brightness of your computer screen as much as you can stand.
      I suspect as soon as you get this sorted out, everything will be much better. I hope it heals quickly and we’ll.

  66. CPAP or BiPAP Advice?*

    My family member completed a sleep study and needs to use a Bipap to improve his sleep; he’s going to his doctor Tuesday to get the prescription. What do you wish you had known before you started using one? Any advice on adjusting to its use? Was it challenging to find the right mask? Suggestions or experiences (both positive and negative) appreciated! Thanks so much!

    1. Blue wall*

      There nothing to be intimidated by. The doctor will set him up with a medical supply company. A good medical supply company will run a training class and discuss the different options for pillows, etc.

    2. Teapot Translator*

      Hi! I use a CPAP machine! I was diagnosed with sleep apnea over 6 years ago. It didn’t work for me; it took me forever to fall asleep (without a machine, I would be asleep in 15 minutes; with the machine, it was over an hour) and if I woke up during the night, it would once again take forever to fall asleep. I didn’t feel heard by the doctor I saw and I had a hard time getting an appointment with the technician so I gave up on it. The only symptom I had was being tired all day anyway.
      Fast-forward to a few months ago, I was talking about this with my dentist and how I was taking high pressure medication. They said I had try and get my sleep apnea treated again. So, off I went to see another doctor and another technician (since I didn’t like the last one). The doctor clearly outline the treatments by order of effectiveness (first CPAP, then a few other options). I felt a bit more heard by the new technician. We chose a different mask and they lowered the air pressure. They also gave me “permission” to remove the mask during the night if I woke up. So, it’s been a few months, and I can use the machine! I feel less tired in the morning.
      So, my advice is: it takes time! So your family member should give themselves time. Also, insist on being heard so that the treatment will be successful (I wasn’t heard, I gave up, so frankly their treatment was a failure). Best of luck to your family member.

      1. CPAP user*

        I’ve used a CPAP for years, as I have terrible sleep apnea. Most users say their sleep (quality, duration) is greatly improved with their CPAP–I can’t really say the same. I think my sleep is *somewhat* better in quality with the CPAP, and I know I have less incidents of apnea, so I continue to wear the mask. My comment is to say, if you don’t get *amazing* changes in your quality of sleep, it’s still valuable to wear the mask and use the machine.

        Some random tips: Definitely use distilled water in the humidifier, and clean the humidifier with vinegar/hot water/scrubbing at least weekly. I find it helpful to take deep, slow breaths when I first put on the mask, almost like I’m breathing in anesthesia. It helps calm me down and gets me used to the slight pressure of the mask on my face. As others said, try various masks till you find one that can be fairly comfortable for your face, and give it some time. The health benefits from reducing apnea incidents are so significant that it’s worth fighting through discomfort to find a solution. Use the machine for naps and for overnight sleeping–basically, all times you want to fall asleep. Travel with it too (on airlines, it counts as a medical device, so you can carry it on without it “counting” as your personal item).

    3. just another queer reader*

      Several of my family members use CPAP devices and love them! I understand that it can take a month or so to get used to them. Good luck!

    4. 653-CXK*

      Before I was prescribed CPAP therapy, I used to be a night owl and stay up all hours of the night; I would get around 6 to 6-1/2 hours of sleep on the weekdays, but then try to sleep 8-9 hours to make up for it. (This also went back to the college days where I would get up at around 10-11 am on weekends.) I often nodded off at my desk at work and was eating a lot more than I should have.

      After I read an article in a newspaper about a person having the same symptoms, I sought my doctor, who referred me to a sleep specialist. They gave me an overnight, at-home sleep test and determined I had an AHI of 45, which is the worst sleep apnea you could have. (AHI is a measure of sleep apnea incidents you have per hour. That night, I had 300 incidents in 7.5 hours.)

      I got my device in December 2015, and the first night my AHI dropped to 12. The next night, it was 5. I woke up refreshed and felt great, and as time went on, I got more sleep and didn’t need to stay up all night. I consistently woke up at 5:30 every morning.

      One important thing to consider is the air pressure the doctor has prescribed for you, measured in millimeters of water (mmH2O). If your pressure is too low, your apnea may get worse; if your pressure is too high, it may be uncomfortable. The pressure I have now is 10-15 mmH2O, which helps a lot. Also,
      you may feel better with a less restrictive mask; I used to wear a partial full face mask but I’ve been using a nasal mask for the past five years – it really does make a huge difference in comfort.

      Another is payments. I pay 20% of the CPAP’s cost every month, while my insurance takes care of the other 80%. I think after 10 months of payments, the CPAP was mine.

      Other advice…

      – Be sure to clean the tubes frequently (once a week is fine) and change the particle filter monthly. If your particle filter turns grey, it’s time to change it.
      – Automatic CPAP cleaners (SoClean etc.) are prohibitively expensive.
      – Often, your CPAP will have a humidifier – I used it when I first started, but I felt my sleep got worse as time went on, so I stopped using it. if you do choose to use the humidifier, use distilled water to fill the tank – DO NOT use tap water. When your done in the morning, empty whatever’s left and refill for the next night.
      – Your CPAP supplier will let you know if you need replacement supplies. If you need them, get them, but also take a look at Amazon to see if you can get them for a low price. I’ve gotten masks and filters for a fraction of the price of what my CPAP supplier was offering.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        On the payments: my husband’s insurance requires that for them to make their part of the payments, the machine’s records have to show that he’s using it (I think it’s at least 4 hours per night, at least 20 nights a month?) – if he doesn’t hit that usage level, he’s responsible for the full payment that month.

          1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            I’d never heard of a usage requirement on DME before, like they don’t demand you give back the crutches if you don’t use them properly, but with the CPAP expense and all the comorbid conditions that sleep apnea can cause, it made sense that they want to incentivize using it consistently!

            1. 653-CXK*

              The only times I missed the four hour minimjm was when the electricity went out. You bet I use it every night – it helps!

              1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

                Right! My husband was like “I don’t think that will be an issue. If I don’t wear it you’ll strangle me with it.” I made agreeable face :)

    5. RagingADHD*

      I love my CPAP! The second night of my sleep study (first night with CPAP) was the best night’s sleep I’d had in a long time and made me feel like I wanted to live again. I wouldn’t say I had any issues adjusting. It took about three days before I stopped noticing I had it on, that’s all. My insurance paid 100 percent of the cost, and I’m currently due for a free replacement, but it’s backlogged because of the chip shortage and massive Phillips recall.

      It’s possible that more than one mask style would be fine. I had some very strong “nope” reactions to some mask styles just from trying them on, like nasal pillows. There were a few others that any one of them was fine.

      Now I have a main style that I prefer most of the time, and a second style that is a little more comfortable if I have a cold, because I can wear nose strips without it rubbing.

      My unscientific theory is that how easily one adapts to the CPAP is correlated with how desperately you need it, and possibly how quickly your issues developed. I was having 53 incidents per hour, which (unbeknownst to me) included kicking and flailing like I was being waterboarded in my sleep.

      My apnea has a strong genetic component, and came on very quickly in the course of a few months. Apparently my family’s throats just have an expiration date. I went from feeling normal to falling asleep at traffic lights, constantly crying and feeling like I was losing my mind.

      If someone’s issues are more subtle or came on more gradually, it might be harder to see an immediate payoff from the treatment.

      Pro tip: once he picks a style, you can buy replacement hoses, filters, headgear and masks on Amazon or other online vendors much cheaper than through the original supplier. Those are not normally covered by insurance, so it’s a good way to save.

      1. Teapot Translator*

        Yeah, I think I was having like 15-20 incidents per hour and it was hard for me to get used to the machine.

    6. PollyQ*

      I wish I’d known that:
      * I didn’t have to suffer for weeks trying to make the wrong mask work for me. A week, max, should’ve been how much time I spent on the first one, which gave me terrible backaches, since it was too big for me to sleep comfortably on my side.
      * Even if you’re a mouth breather, it’s possible that the extra air blowing into your nose will mean that a nose-only mask can work fine for you.
      * The whole mask/closed mouth thing could affect the way my tongue interacts with my teeth, and that I should’ve gotten a bite protector thingy fairly early on.

      Still, all in all, it’s been a net positive, and now I sleep with it all night, every night, and also for naps.

    7. Chapter or bipap advice?*

      Thanks for the great advice everyone. Sending a link to my family member.

      1. Dr. Anonymous*

        There are a couple of companies that sell automatic equipment to clean these machines and most of them, even the ones that say they don’t, use ozone, which is toxic. Your relative should check with their sleep doctor and/or supplier and follow their instructions on how to clean the machine.

    8. Podkayne*

      Newish CPAP user here. Make sure to accept a machine that is compatible with a free app called OSCAR, with which your user can get detailed reports of their sleep. Do a search on recommended machines. There’s a sleep apnea subReddit and also CPAPtalk.com board. Both are fat with good info. The resvent ibreeze 20a is not compatible with OSCAR. This is the machine I was given, and I didn’t know what I didn’t know before accepting it.

    9. LuJessMin*

      My sister threatened to smother me with a pillow if I didn’t get my snoring under control before our European vacation in 2013. So I had a sleep study and was prescribed a CPAP. I thought I would use it until after the vacation and never use it again. During the trip I thanked my sister for making me take this step. You’ll pry my CPAP from my cold dead hands. :)

    10. I’m not sure about this, but*

      I’ve had a CPAP for maybe 6 years. I had worried about adjusting to using it because Id heard of others who had difficulty.
      I never had a problem. I just put it on and went to sleep. There have been a few times I haven’t used it-during a bad cold when I had to keep blowing my nose. So, while some people have difficulty adjusting to it, I didn’t and maybe you won’t either.

  67. Eff Walsingham*

    Just popping in briefly during home renos to say that I was the person whose realtor sent them a sovereign citizen contractor. He has been let go due to ‘scheduling issues’ – he was actually proposing not coming back to finish the job until August 9th or 10th!

    When I met with our realtor he was appalled by what went on (endless right-wing conspiracy theory chatter). He told me that he had heard the guy make one conspiracy remark on one occasion, and had then specifically told him, “Never say that kind of thing in front of my clients ever ever!” So now he’s just livid that he was talking to me like that the whole time. I think he might have been a little naive there… isn’t the one remark almost always the tip of the iceberg?

    Anyway we are safe. The realtor has paid him for the materials and the hours he did work, he picked up his tools yesterday morning, and he might not even know our last name. I consider that we may have had a narrow escape. A dear friend is coming over on Tuesday night, lending me her saw and nail gun, and showing me how to finish the job myself.

    1. Eff Walsingham*

      Missed the main purpose of my post, which was to say, “THANK YOU” to the community for helping me to consider the situation from several angles before choosing a course of action.

    2. Generic Name*

      I’m glad you got the situation resolved! I’ve stopped being surprised at how brazen some people are with sharing their awful fringe viewpoints. I’m guessing they assume that everyone must agree with them or they don’t care if they make others feel uncomfortable or unsafe.

      1. pancakes*

        I’m inclined to think a lot of people like this primarily acquire and share their views online, and have little to no sense of just how fringe they are in day-to-day life. Many seem to have basically fallen down a grimy, dangerous well without ever having had a proper look at the surrounding landscape in full daylight, if that makes sense. Insular and/or under-informed to begin with, before they even encounter this stuff.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      I am glad all is well- the transaction is closed and he knows it’s because of scheduling (a benign problem that could happen to any contractor).

      I am also very glad you told the realtor. While he may not have realized the tip of the iceberg he NOW knows for future reference.

      Thanks for letting us know that it’s over.

  68. Weekend Warrior*

    Living your life in a heat wave advice? We’re in the midst of a heat wave on the west coast of Canada, as is the PNW to the south, and I find it debilitating! It’s not the “heat dome” furnace of last summer but still a shock to the system. We have an air conditioner in the bedroom so can sleep at night and have excellent fans but the rest of the house gets very hot and I just drag myself around doing not much. My IQ has dropped many points! :) Motivation has also dropped.

    Many of you live in much hotter places and clearly know how to just get on with things! What’s your best piece of advice? Trips to the mall or other air conditioned places? Cook early in the morning? Just be a slug till the peak temp passes (obviously not doable in places that are hot all summer)?

    1. Weaponized Pumpkin*

      Places that are hot all summer (in the US) generally have more A/C, so keep that in mind! I grew up in a the hot hot desert. Outdoor activities were done as much possible at dawn or after dark — “getting on with things during the day” meant staying inside with A/C or evaporative coolers going.

      I now live on the west coast where we get heat waves and do not have A/C. Being a slug is absolutely the right strategy! (Stereotypes about “lazy” cultures may have partial roots in how they were wise enough them to conserve energy in peak heat.) Conserve your energy, stay still, hydrate. Cook early in the day or not at all. I adjust light and air throughout the day, pulling in cool air overnight with window fans, closing drapes/blinds to block solar gain, and opening and closing windows based on where the good air is. Yes to trips to A/C, or even a drive in your car, so your body doesn’t stay overheated for too long. On the worst days, I just hole up in the bedroom with the A/C unit and work/eat/sleep in there.

      1. Chaordic One*

        Your comment about the stereotypes about “lazy” cultures is a very astute observation. Mad dogs and Englishmen…

      2. The Person from the Resume*

        I live in the Deep South of the US. Everyone has A/C. Most folks have central air for the whole house, but people with window units put them in multiple rooms.

        We also mostly have ceiling fans in every room. But you can buy portable fan and move it around the house as you move. I use a floor fan in my kitchen which doesn’t have a ceiling fan and gets warm in the corner near the stove where I go food prep (even when the stove/oven isn’t on.)

        Cool meals like fruit, salad, pasta salad, sandwiches. Don’t cook when it’s hottest.

        We basically stay in A/C. Move from house to car (with A/C) to destination and back. Don’t be outside when it’s hottest and sunniest. Stay in shade. But we can come home to A/C and cool off so maybe go to movies or other places that are air conditioned during the day.

    2. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      I feel your pain in Boston. We have an old house and a few window air conditioners. Most people who live in hot climates (like my parents in Florida) have central air and don’t go outside much during the day in the summer.

    3. Cocafonix*

      I’m in the same area and feel the same. I definitely prefer cold over hot. We do our activity/work mornings and evenings then slug the rest of the day. I have a job where that works and my partner chooses the air conditioned office.

    4. Ampersand*

      Here’s what I do: plan to spend time outside only in the early morning and late evening, not during the middle of the day; drink cold drinks (with ice) and eat popsicles to cool off; use a kid’s inflatable pool in our backyard that we fill up with our garden hose and lounge in; wear light colored clothing made of lightweight materials (I recently got some Arctic Cool shirts that are comfy and actually seem to keep me cooler than a normal shirt, which is what they’re intended to do); close blinds/curtains during the day so the sun doesn’t shine into the house.

      Staying cool in the summer is a two-part problem: how to stay cool indoors, and how to deal with heat when you have to be outdoors. Since I live in a hot climate, the first part is easier for me—we have central a/c and ceiling fans, and we use both almost constantly. But honestly, I mostly stay indoors until the hottest part of the year is over (in September/October) because I don’t like the heat.

      Oh, one other idea: there are cooling towels that you get wet, put in the fridge or freezer, and then put directly on your skin. They work! I hope you’re able to find ways to stay cool and the heat wave is over soon!

    5. Generic Name*

      I used to live in Texas, and how folks there get on with things when it’s hot is air conditioning the heck out of indoor spaces and never going outside for 3 or 4 months when it’s very hot. (I would bring sweaters to work they kept the temperature so low, and I would sit outside to warm up a bit.) People would park at the very back of the parking lot if there was an inch of shade they could take advantage of.

    6. Weekend Warrior*

      Thanks for the replies! Seems I’m in great company and doing most of the right stuff. :) The big thing is to adjust my expectation of a what a “normal” day should look like and take better advantage of the early cool hours to get a few things done.

    7. WellRed*

      I live in northern New England and hate the heat and have no AC. I don’t cook in this heat and use paper plates so I don’t have to do dishes. I hang out in AC places as much as possible and have fans.

    8. Decidedly Me*

      This may sound obvious, but it took me until the 2nd day of the heat dome last year to do it… close your blinds! It makes a huge difference in the temp indoors.

      1. PollyQ*

        Also, if you don’t have double-paned windows, consider getting them. Yes, takes time & money & effort, but my landlord replaced my old windows a few years back, and it made a big difference in keeping my apartment warmer in the winter and cooler on the hot days of summer.

        And speaking of windows, dual window fans that let you set one for intake and one for exhaust are great for cooling down the place when (if?) the temperature drops overnight.

    9. RagingADHD*

      Couple of tips for coping without AC: If you live in an area with a big temperature differential between night and day, try airing the house out overnight to get it as cool as possible, then close the windows and shades before it gets hot to keep the heat out, and use fans to keep the inside air circulating. Doesn’t work so well if it doesn’t really cool off at night.

      Also, if it is humid, a dehumidifier makes it feel significantly cooler. If it is dry heat, wearing wet compresses or a cooling towel on your neck help you feel much better.

    10. Salymander*

      Cook early in the day on days you don’t work, and make enough so that you can eat leftovers for dinner for the whole week. A good toaster oven can be useful if you must cook because it won’t heat up the house the way the oven will. Use a grill to cook. I eat a ton of grilled veggies from my garden all summer.
      Don’t go out in the middle of the day. You can do errands in the morning or evening. Yard work or exercise is great in the evening, and then you can shower before bed. I go to bed with wet hair. That helps a lot.

      I find that wearing loose fitting Capri type pants is better than shorts because my skin feel sticky when I get hot. I wear a wet bandanna around my neck, and sometimes my wrists too. I wear a hat whenever I am outside longer than 20 minutes.

      I put a beach umbrella up in my community garden plot, and I keep the actual umbrella part of it and a folding chair in my car at all times so I can take lots of breaks in the shade when I garden. I will be at the garden for 3 hours, but I spend at least half of the time under the umbrella drinking water. It helps so much! Now, the other’s at the garden will come to chat and hang out in the shade. It is great!

      You need a lot of water to drink when it is super hot. Take a water bottle everywhere, and if you will be out for a long time take several bottles. I take 3 large bottles of water to my garden it and I drink them all. Dehydration is a real danger that many people who live in cooler climates don’t really think about. Dehydration and heat sickness can hit you quickly, and can weaken you so that you feel too tired to do anything about it. At my community garden, many of us do a tour of the garden before we leave so we can be sure there is no one passed out or injured and hidden by the plants. I have found several people lying on the ground, and so have others. They are there in the morning, but when it starts getting hit they are already tired and have drunk all their water already. They often aren’t wearing a hat because they were out in the morning and didn’t think if it. It is a really big problem in a scorching hot climate like the one I live in.

      Pets will need to stay out of the sun and will need more water. If you have pets, mix extra water into their food. I give my cat what resembles soup because she needs the extra water. She eats it all. I also leave bowls of water out in the shade for neighborhood animals. I dump them on the plants every evening and refill in the morning so that the mosquitos don’t breed there.

    11. fhqwhgads*

      If you have one room with AC and can afford to run it during the day, stay in that room as much as possible and avoid the hot parts of the house. Yes to going out to air conditioned places – although, I probably wouldn’t do much of this pandemic-wise given that indoors is probably a contagious place to be.
      Cook in the early morning or come up with meals that don’t require the oven, and require minimal stove.
      Keep a cool towel on your neck.
      Keep your hair wet.
      Sit in front of a fan.

    12. Clisby*

      I don’t know that those of us who live in much hotter places necessarily just get on with things. I live in Charleston, SC, which is a heat/humidity hellhole June-September. The AC is never off. I go outside as little as possible. The beach? Nice walk in the park? Patio dining? Forget it. Those start back up in October.

      1. Weekend Warrior*

        I think this is what’s bugging me the most – the feeling of being trapped indoors. Our cooler climate makes outdoor activities doable most of the year, with the right clothes. We do get a lot of rain so beaches and patios are very much enjoyed in the summer, but walks are always possible. Ugh. Just a few more days of this current wave.

        1. Also Anon*

          Yeah, this is what bothers me, too–I feel trapped inside my house because it’s SO HOT outside. You’re not alone in that!

        2. Clisby*

          It *can* have a little of an upside. During the height of the pandemic, when I was isolating at home June-September, I was like, well, I do this every year. NBD.

    13. Not A Manager*

      Close your blinds during the day. Open the windows when the sun goes down, and close them when the sun comes up. Paradoxically, don’t over-chill your room with AC. Keep the temperature on the “warm comfortable” side. Part of adjusting to heat is allowing your body to reset its temperature expectations.

      Water evaporation is very cooling. Take a cool shower and then air-dry instead of toweling off. When I’m hiking I will dip my thin cotton over-shirt into a stream, lightly wring it out, and put it on over my hiking shirt. Even in the baking sun, that shirt feels COLD at first, and cool until it fully dries. Sometimes I do this in my backyard now as well.

      If you can shift your productive hours into the early morning and the evening, then you can rest during the heat of the day. Bring back the siesta. I was reading an interesting article about “first sleep” and “second sleep” in preindustrial times, and basically people would wake up in the middle of the night, be a little bit active, and then go back to sleep. The article didn’t mention weather patterns, but I wonder.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        It was related to weather in that, before electrical light/heating, someone was going to have to get up in the middle of the night and stoke the fire, maybe check the livestock etc, so it made sense to go to bed earlier so that you could reasonably get up and get around and do the necessary maintenance etc in the middle of the night before going back to bed. (That’s not the only reason, but a big one.)

        Also allowed for child care on munchkins who needed it in the wee hours. I’m prone to biphasic sleep myself naturally – I go to bed at 9:30 and wake up for an hour around 1, then go back to sleep and wake up for the day around 5:30, and man, that tendency has been helpful when my new puppy wasn’t sleeping through the night. I could pop her out at 1 whether she knew she needed it or not, and she didn’t have to get riled up and excitable to wake me up so she went back to sleep a lot faster and easier. She’s good now, so I’m back to my normal routine of sudoku and Duolingo during my wee hours :) (It also helps with early morning obligations like 5am flights – I don’t HAVE to go back to bed after I wake up at 1.)

      2. Pam*

        I take more cooling showers too. Night time, right before bed, and air-drying helps with “it’s too hot to sleep.” We also have oscillating fans throughout the house- stirring the air makes it feel cooler.

    14. The Other Dawn*

      I lay around like a slug and hope it’s over soon, for the most part.

      I have multiple window ACs, which helps tremendously; however, if it’s in the upper 90s, it can still feel warm in the house so I make sure my blinds are closed and I hang out in a room that doesn’t get direct sunlight beating on it all day. I try to minimize cooking or doing things that involve a lot of moving around, like cleaning. I also avoid going outside too much, so I might skip grocery shopping if it’s a scorcher. Or I go earlier than usual to get home before it gets too hot; I normally go in the morning anyway, but might go at 7am rather than 8:30am.

    15. Anono-me*

      Short term:

      1. If you are someone who wears a bra, and have kind of bra that forms a pocket space over the breastbone; try tucking a cold drink or frozen water bottle in the pocket and going about your day.

      2. I find light and airy loose cotton clothing most comfortable, including the undies. I also wear sandals or other open shoes.

      3. When outside, wear sunscreen and a wide brimmed hat; both to keep cool and protect against sun damage. ( The hat should shade your neck, ears and face. )
      4. When possible soak you feet in a tub of cool water.
      5. If you have ceiling fans, use them. (Also check that they are set for warm weather. )

      Medium term.
      5. Can you get external sun curtains on your home? They sit a little bit away from your windows and help block some of the sun. Ours mounted with 5 nails over the biggest window and 2 nails over the smallest windows, so very quick and east to install. Our sun blocking curtains are older, they are made of a series of hollow cream colored plastic straws tied next to each other. The newer ones are usually silver reflective plastic with special air pockets. (Similar material to the silver sunblockers people put in the front window of a car.)
      6. Can you do awnings over your windows?

      Long term.
      7. If you can, plant trees that will provide shade and a vine covered pergola (similar to a grape arbor).
      8. I think good insulation in the ceiling and an attic fan both help keep a house cooler.

      If you get central air or a split system. Windows are huge places to loose cooling. If you can’t replace them, please consider popping the trim off and redoing insulation (Be sure to use insulation especially for windows as the wrong insulation can distort and ruin your window. ) It was time consuming fussy messy work, but didn’t take a great deal of skill.
      Winter curtains can also help reduce the loss of cool air.

  69. AlwaysChapped*

    Any recommendations for fashion/home decor blogs or accounts? Preferably those with a focus on quality of materials (for example, notes certain products from a brand may be made well and worth purchasing when others may not) and professional wardrobes? I feel like since blogging has come os far out of fashion lately I don’t know where to start looking.

    2. pancakes*

      I like Remodelista for decor. My gold standard is World of Interiors magazine. Their advertisers are wildly out of my price range but I always find the contents inspiring.

      Messy Nessy (messynessychic dot com) isn’t strictly fashion or decor, but has lots of fun, interesting posts about either or both.

      My boyfriend is a former clothing designer and we’re both hooked on Karen Brit Chick’s “What Everyone is Wearing in [NYC / Paris / etc.]” videos, but they don’t tend to focus on professional looks. Lots of fun, though. She does other videos too, about things she’s found, how to clear out your closet, etc.

  70. Cruciatus*

    Does anyone have a fast, easy, and cheap suggestion for how to record sound off of a phone? I don’t know why I find this embarrassing to explain, but after my mom died last year we kept her phone connected for reasons, but it’s now time we can end that and I just want a recording of her saying her name in her voicemail before we officially turn the phone service off. I wish I had something longer like a voicemail but all I have is her saying her name–but it’s enough. I don’t need the recording to be perfect, I just want to be able to hear it once in a while and remember her voice. When searching online I saw lots of stuff about the illegality of recording people over the phone and it freaked me out a bit. That’s not what I want to do. Just this one thing.

    1. RagingADHD*

      There are all kinds of free recording apps for your smartphone. It’s perfectly legal to record calls. There are just various laws against recording people *secretly* or without consent. Lots of people record calls for work. It’s fine.

      Just check that the app will generate a file type that you can share or edit. You can try several different ones until you get a recording you’re happy with.

    3. BRR*

      You might be able to us use the screen recorder function on your phone (you might have to call on speakerphone).

    4. Kittee*

      No need to feel embarrassed. It’s very sweet that you want to hear your mom’s voice.

  71. Fieldpoppy*

    I scanned and couldn’t see a thread about this but Alison I wanted to know how your mom is doing… just thinking about you a lot and sending good energy.

    1. Ask a Manager* Post author

      Thanks for asking! I just came back from seeing her (she lives close by, thank god). She starts chemo soon, and then, if the chemo shrinks the tumor, surgery. So far she’s having no symptoms, which is good.

      4. WoodswomanWrites*

        Wishing you, your mom, and your family well. It’s good to hear that you are close by.

  72. Anono-me*

    A little while ago, people here helped someone find Bosch to watch with an older relative. I am hoping for good fortune and assistance with a similar situation.

    An older family member and I just finished All Creatures Great and Small and are having difficulty finding a new series.

    The person has comcast and prime.

    Previously liked Downton Abby, the both versions of All Creatures, N. Atlantic Crossing and the Indian Doctor.

    Didn’t care for Mrs. Mazel or The Paradise.

    Doesn’t like cop/detective/action/tragic/high stakes shows. Doesn’t like Austen or Brontes. Doesn’t like mean spirited or gross jokes.

    Likes gentle humor and witty banter, low stakes drama, good acting, beautiful cinematography.

    2. Dark Macadamia*

      Well, I was about to say Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries but you said no detectives :( It definitely fits everything else on your list though, so might be worth a try anyway? It’s not very violent or graphic but does have like, chase scenes and guns.

      Mad Men? Fantastic cast/visuals and very character driven

      1. Hmmmmm*

        Mad Men is well written and has great acting, but it’s soooo depressing, all about selfish, mean people getting ahead on the backs of others.

    4. Chaordic One*

      Poldark? Sanditon? Call the Midwife? Mr. Selfridge? The Durrells of Corfu? Seaside Hotel (if you don’t mind subtitles)? Upstairs, Downstairs (The 2010 remake)? Hold the Sunset?

      1. Just a Cog*

        Not series, but I thought Elona Holmes was good. Also, Persuasion was cute (I know Jane Austen is not a fave, but this was different than any others I’ve seen and thought I’d throw it out there). Both on Netflix.

      2. Charlotte Lucas*

        Tbh, I found the humor in Hold the Sunset a little mean-spirited – & I love John Cleese.

    5. Double A*

      Foyle’s War is a detective show but it’s so well done and otherwise ticks so many boxes that I have to recommend it.

    6. Turtle Dove*

      Your relative may like Doctor Finlay on Amazon Prime. I share some of the preferences you listed, and I enjoyed Doctor Finlay. It’s a bit dated, but a few of the supporting characters made the series pop for me, and the stories were told with humor and heart. It looks like at least season one is free with Prime, and I remember watching more than one season either there or on Acorn TV.

    7. RosyGlasses*

      Hotel Portofino is currently on Masterpiece Theater and quite good (English woman opens a hotel in Italy during the beginning of Mussolini’s rise). I also just watched the short series of Miss Scarlet and the Duke on PBS on demand — she inherits her fathers Private Eye business after his death. Quaint and gentle.

      BritBox and AcornTV both have quite a bit of European sourced series and movies which I find more sedate and slower paced than most American tv. They are an additional subscription to your Amazon Prime but usually have a couple weeks of free trial to see if there are shows you like.

    8. fposte*

      A little offbeat if you’re looking for more costume/historical but Joe Pera Talks With You is lovely and gentle, like Mr. Rogers does comedy where he’s a Midwestern music teacher.

      1. pancakes*

        Yes, Detectorists! A brilliant show, one of my favorites ever, and ticks all the boxes here.

    11. Anono-me*

      Thank you for all of the ideas. We will start working our way through the list. (Although I hope MacLeod’s Daughters works as there looks to be lots of episodes. )

    12. marvin*

      If you’re able to track it down, I think Hamish Macbeth has a similar charm to the original All Creatures. Gentle mysteries, petty small town drama, beautiful scenery. Some elements may be a bit dated, I haven’t seen it for a long time.

      1. rosyglasses*

        Oh yes – I loved this series! The accent is quite a bit though – so be prepared or have closed captioning on to catch unfamiliar words or phrases. The other one I can’t quite remember is where there is a Lord of a Scottish castle – only about 2-3 seasons of it, but it was a charming series.

  73. Firebird*

    I’ve been container gardening on my balcony this year and I don’t know what to do with some perennials and bulbs during the winter.
    My new apartment building has heated underground parking and I don’t know if that will be cool enough to over-winter my perennial bulbs. My storage locker is in the basement next to the heated parking area so I don’t know how cool it will get.
    What can I do with my bulbs? Should I get a small refrigerator to store them or will they be OK if I just leave them in their pots in a dark bedroom even if I can’t block the heat?

    1. Generic Name*

      Is there a reason why you can’t leave the pots on the balcony in the winter? I have some English ivy I planted in a pot years ago, and it’s still going strong. I leave the pot outside all the time.

      1. Firebird*

        I forgot to mention that I live in Wisconsin and it gets too cold for plants to survive on a second floor balcony.
        When I had a regular garden, I could leave things in the ground especially near the house foundation.

        1. Generic Name*

          Oof, yeah, that would be too cold. A fridge seems like a good option. My pots are on the ground in Denver, so it’s not terribly cold.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      My bulbs that can’t take being left outside winter in my garage, which is usually 45-60. I’d try the storage unit, of the options you list. You could also try a bedroom if it’s one you don’t use much and you could keep the door closed and cover the heat vent in that room?

  74. Anonymous Wedding Etiquette Question*

    I know I’m way late asking this question, but I hope community members can help me decide what to do.

    We have been invited to a wedding where the couple is already married. They got married (maybe at the courthouse?) a few years ago because the groom’s Dad was dying and he wanted to see them married. One of this couple is a child of some long-time friends of ours. When we heard they had gotten married, we sent a card and gift. They thanked us most graciously. Covid hit about a year later, and I guess they had planned to have a big (second) wedding, and reception, but had to postpone it. Should we get another gift for this event? I don’t want to be cheap, but we will have to travel and spend money on a hotel, too.

    How would you all handle this?

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I wouldn’t personally – one gift per marriage is quite sufficient for me. If it was my absolute best friend in the world, I MIGHT include like, a $25 gift card for a restaurant or movie theater in my nice card. Everyone else in this boat just gets a nice card with well wishes.

    2. Weaponized Pumpkin*

      I wouldn’t feel it necessary to gift a second time, especially on top of travel expenses.

    3. fhqwhgads*

      Coming at it from another angle:
      I am a person who had a brief civil ceremony during the pandemic and am already married, but am planning a reception we can actually have people at, in the futuret in a less-COVID-ey environment.
      2-3 people sent us wedding gifts when we first got married. We absolutely do not expect them to do it again, even though we do hope to see them at the event. It would be tremendously unreasonable of them to expect it twice. The point of the second wedding is to get to celebrate with people, not a gift grab. At least from me, and probably your friends! Some jerks exist, but presume they’re not.

    5. Lilo*

      I had a friend who was due to get married on May 2020. I had actually already sent her gift pre lockdown. She got married this year and I attended but didn’t send a second gift. She wasn’t mad.

    6. Anonymous Wedding Etiquette Question*

      Thank you all so much for confirming what I figured we should do! We sure don’t want to come off as cheapskates, but we had no idea what to do. We will just send (another) nice card and go and enjoy the festivities honoring the sweet couple.

      Thanks again, all!

    7. RagingADHD*

      I would write them a nice card about how nice it is to celebrate with them in person, continued well-wishes, etc. But not a second gift.

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