weekend open thread – August 6-7, 2022

by Alison Green on August 5, 2022

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand.

Here are the rules for the weekend posts.

Book recommendation of the week: Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, by Gabrielle Zevin. After creating a wildly successful video game, two lifelong friends contend with fame, love, and their relationship with each other.

I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

You may also like:
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  1. anti anti*

    2 questions my friends and I have been discussing: What is the best/most useful/greatest thing you’ve ever bought under $200?

    Second, what is the worst purchase you’ve made–most useless or most overhyped or impractical?

    1. Andrea Schultz*

      Best item for about $110, my countertop ice maker. I find myself making iced tea instead of soda. Machine paid for itself in just weeks!

    2. All Hail Queen Sally*

      Best: My microwave. I use it daily.
      Worst: Shoes that I just had to have but turned out to be very uncomfortable. I only wore them once. (But I still have them.)

      1. Dark Macadamia*

        I made that shoe mistake multiple times as a teenager. Now I’m old enough that I don’t care how cute my shoes are if they hurt my feet, but I still do it sometimes with dresses/skirts that I probably wouldn’t have bought if I tried them on first, but since I ordered online and they’re already here I’m sure I’ll make them work someday… They are largely aspirational “I could be the type of person who wears this, right?” or “I could totally figure out how to fix (glaring problem), I have a sewing machine!” items.

      2. Time's Thief*

        I feel you on the shoes. Back in my impoverished retail days I spent way too much on some SAS shoes that weren’t even that cute but everyone said they’d be the most comfortable shoes I’d ever worn. Maybe that’s true for some people but my feet and those shoes never did agree. The flats I bought for $10 at Payless were more comfortable. Worse, by the time I’d admitted to myself they weren’t working and found time to go to the store again I’d lost the receipt and was too embarrassed by the whole thing to see if they could look up the purchase by card or something. Nowadays I’d still try but young 20s me wasn’t so good at that sort of thing.

        I wound up donating nearly-new SAS shoes and I hope they made someone VERY happy.

    3. Pickle Pizza*

      Best: not sure about *ever*, but ATM my folding desk for WFH has been a life saver! ($89 from Amazon) Plus an expandable laptop stand (approx $45, also from Amazon). I have cramped quarters in my apartment and not enough real estate for a permanent desk, so this setup allows me to fold everything up on the weekends or non-work days so I have more space.

      Over-rated purchase: all the exercise equipment I’ve bought over the years, and continue to buy. Good idea in theory, but I still prefer to walk outside year round.

    4. Trixie*

      Best: Prescription Oakley sunglasses, followed by window-tinting for my car.

      Worst: A nice upholstered chair. Way to expensive for my budget at the time, plus my cats used it as a scratching post. Moved to curb, and someone picked up a prime piece for re-upholstering.

    5. NeonFireworks*

      Best: Steam cleaner, $110. It does nearly everything. Steaming clothes is like ironing them, but easier and quicker and more able to neutralize germs. Also works on a lot of home textiles like cushions and curtains that are tough to wash!

      Worst, or at least the biggest ridiculous letdown: an electronic pocket address book, in 1998, for $40. For some reason, I desperately wanted one of those things – about 6″ by 3″ and flat, in a sleek case that snapped closed, with a tiny keyboard and cool mini-computer feel – but it wasn’t until I bought the thing and eagerly opened the box that it really hit me: this gizmo was there to store addresses, exactly as it said on the box. At that point, I realized I’d made a mistake and would have had more fun with even a calculator. What was I thinking? I suspect I’d seen a TV ad for it that made it look like an Essential Tool of the Near Future or something. No wonder I’ve consistently been 5-10 years behind with my computers and phones since.

      1. AGD*

        Oh man, I was in fifth grade when those showed up on my radar and I wanted one badly. I couldn’t afford it with my tiny allowance, though, so I a drew a pretend one out of a folded piece of cardboard and took it to school, where I “used” it. My teacher, to her credit, told me she thought it was very cool.

    6. Monarch (butterfly)*

      Best purchase: prescription polarized sunglasses. Under $200 if you buy at one of those cheap places. So nice to see without glare outside.

      Worst: electric toothbrush. Maybe I bought a cheap brand, but I just never liked it.

    7. Aphrodite*

      Great questions!

      Best/Most Useful = My bed fan. This thing is a lifesaver in hot weather since it keeps me cool enough to sleep well.

      Worst/Most Useless = Bamboo sheets. Would you believe the manufacturer actually tells you to handwash them or at the very least use cold water for washing and dry them by hanging indoors? I use only hot, hot water and a hot dryer to wash all my things, but especially towels and sheets.

      1. Janet Pinkerton*

        I am desperately curious—why do you wash and dry everything on hot? I am the opposite. I wash almost everything on cold and tumble dry low.

        (But no way would I hand wash sheets or hang dry inside btw.)

        1. Russian in Texas*

          I wash towels and sheets on hot, for hygienic reasons that might be misplaced. But I wash 100% of my clothes on cold and delicate. It saves clothes and electricity. And I never had an issue with something not being clean. And I dry clothes on low. Even jeans and tshirts.

          1. KoiFeeder*

            Oh, is that why clothes should be washed that way? It’s how my mom’s always done it, so it’s how I do it, but I never thought about why.

          2. AGD*

            I read an article in a big newspaper about 15 years ago that agreed – it was a list of hygiene tips for the house and one of the items was “wash everything in the hottest water you can.” It turns out that my parents wash on cold and assume that the dryer heat kills off any remaining germs, though, so I wonder!

            1. Pennyworth*

              I wash cold and air dry. Any of the germs on my clothes, towels and sheets came from me, so I assume they cannot cause further harm.

              1. allathian*

                I wash everything else on cold, except underwear and socks. I’ve had athlete’s foot once, and I don’t want to get it again. The surest way to avoid that is to wash your socks in hot water (60 C/140 F).

                Otherwise your own bacteria are unlikely to cause further harm, but washing sheets and towels in hot water will eliminate smells better. I have sensitive skin, and a somewhat scent-sensitive nose, so I need unscented laundry detergent.

                The greatest thing I’ve bought for under $200 is my electric toothbrush. I use it every day and love it. The most useless thing I’ve bought is probably a gold-colored light jacket that I bought for a summer wedding. I needed it then, because it was an exceptionally cold and blustery July day, only something like 15 C/60 F, but I haven’t used it since.

        2. Grits McGee*

          If you have dust mite allergies, it’s recommended to wash and dry bed linens hot so that it kills all the critters.

        3. Aphrodite*

          Janet, I believe that hot & hot gets everything much cleaner than cold. I also know that many have switched to cold water, and that a number of detergent manufacturers say their detergent cleans just as well as in cold as in hot water. But I insist on hot. I do use mesh washing bags for certain things but I would rather replace items slightly more frequently than wash in cold water. And while I’d love to hang sheets and towels outdoors rather than use a dryer, where I live does not allow that.

      2. Observer*

        I use only hot, hot water and a hot dryer to wash all my things, but especially towels and sheets.

        You’re wasting a lot of money, both in what the unnecessary hot washing is costing but also in the fact that you are seriously shortening the life of many of your things.

        Yes, some things need to be washed hot, but not that many. And, generally speaking, heat is destructive.

        You do you, as they say. But realize that your setup is sufficiently out of the norm that your contemptuous amazement of the idea that someone might recommend washing in cold water is a out of line.

        1. ThatGirl*

          My sheets get sweaty, no doubt, but I’m quite sure detergent will get sweat and oils out in cool water. I would only use very hot if we were talking, like, infection control or serious biohazard….

          (I do get that some people have germ phobias, but I’m with the cold water wash people.)

          1. allathian*

            Depends on what you mean by very hot. In the EU, the temperature standards are 15 C/59 F, 30 C/86 F, 40 C/104 F, 60 C/140 F and 90 C/194 F. I wash underwear, socks, sheets, and towels in 60 C, everything else in 30 C. My nose is fairly sensitive to smells, and I get itchy skin from scented detergent and/or fabric softener, and that means we use unscented detergent and skip the softener. Sheets and towels washed in cold water don’t smell clean unless you use a scented product.

            We don’t even own a dryer, which uses a lot more energy than simply washing. Clothes also wear out faster if you use a dryer. In the winter, our indoor air tends to be too dry, so drying indoors means a bit of much-desired humidity, and a load of underwear and socks will get dry in a few hours at no extra cost. In the summer, if it’s warm enough and unless it’s raining, we’ll dry underwear indoors, but everything else outdoors, to avoid excess humidity.

            1. Silence*

              Using white vinegar in the fabric softener slot is great for removing smell including it own

    8. PollyQ*

      Best: A really lovely set of pima sateen sheets with a thin woven stripe. I’d bought my sis & BIL a set as a wedding gift and decided I might as well buy myself some too. They were my first experience with good bedding, and were like night & day compared to the budget percale I’d had before that.

      Not sure about Worst; I’ll have to ponder that a little.

      1. Anon scientist*

        It was such a revelation to buy high count cotton sheets after using my grandmother’s hand me downs from like 1965 that finally just disintegrated! Will never go back.

        1. Ann Ominous*

          Oh my goodness. Those old towels that felt cold to the touch because they didn’t absorb water, just moved it around.

    9. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      Best: I love my double boiler. It lets me cook things like canned beans without worrying about them burning onto the bottom of the pan, which makes it easy to make semi-homemade soups (starting with canned beans). When I was working from home, I could throw together a soup during a mid-morning break and then eat it for lunch 2-3 hours later. I also really love my metal clothes drying racks, which work so much better than the flimsy wooden ones that I used to break all the time before I upgraded.

      Worst: the entire pile of manual can openers I’ve gone through in the past few years. I don’t know why, but apparently all modern manual can openers are junk and only last a few months if you actually use them to open cans every day. I tried spending more money on fancier brands, and it did not help. I can afford to buy new can openers whenever I want to, particularly since the kind that cost about $8 seem to hold up just as well as the more expensive ones, but it feels very wasteful. (For context, I am not generally hard on my possessions! I have had the same favorite coffee mug for over 20 years, and both my dishes and silverware are hand-me-downs that are older than I am.)

      1. gsa*

        Anyone that does not owna double boiler is highly mistaken!

        When I was in college, I would use a pot and a glass bowl. Same effect!

        Best purchase ever, four nesting glass bowls. They probably cost me five dollars at a yard sale.

        1. Pennyworth*

          You have reminded me of one of my best buys – a set of three cast iron frying pans for $10 new about 40 years ago.

      3. Anon scientist*

        I snagged my parents’ electric can opener when they were doing a purge to save counter space. It’s a General Electric probably from 1972 (wedding gift) and it is a Beast that I will never give up. They’ve gone through so many manual can openers since then.

      4. Pippin*

        Kitchen Mama!!! I was skeptical when my husband bought it but it is amazing. About 30$ but totally worth it.

      5. I take tea*

        I have a manual Tupperware can opener that is really good. It was pretty pricey, but I think I’ve had it for twenty years now. It works by bending up the edges of the lid, instead of cutting it open, so doesn’t ever get dull. Plus, no sharp edges. It works on the kind of packaging that is part cardboard, part metal as well, easy to separate for recycling.

      6. Lady Lynn Waterton of Bellashire*

        I hate MLMs but was gifted the Pampered Chef can opener and it’s amazing!!

    10. Seeking Second Childhood*

      My husband and I ordered a really good pop-up tent with sides, in early spring 2020. We were able to see my immune compromised father-in-law almost every week all year round without any of us getting covid. In the winter we shoveled the patio & set it up with an electric heater under the table.
      Useless purchase award goes to my every attempt at mail order shoes and sneakers. I can’t seem to learn that my feet are weird enough I must try things on.

    11. WoodswomanWrites*

      Best is my compact computer desk that’s about 20 years old. It holds my laptop, monitor, and printer, works ergonomically, fits perfectly in my small apartment in a spot with a view, and has just enough room to accommodate my messy pile of paper.

      Worst is the series of cheap vacuum cleaners I got at yard sales over the years that didn’t actually clean anything. I’m so happy I finally bought a new one that was more expensive but will likely last the rest of my life.

    12. Madame Arcati*

      Best: my sewing machine which cost me the equivalent of about $150 (current exchange rate, bought it about 8 years ago). Hours and hours of happiness making clothes and quilts and other bits and bobs. Lately I was proud to be able to buy a house big enough for Janine Janome to have her own room with suitable furniture and space for her hoard of fabric and haberdashery.

      Worst:probably a cheap second hand car, from a then colleague. It had various faults including that the brakes were barely legal, the bits that worked were very basic (this was about 2004 and it had no fifth gear let alone electric windows or a central locking, but it was a step up from the previous one which had no power steering and unexpectedly set itself on fire one Saturday morning) and it was only a couple of years max before poor Bert blew a head gasket and was a write-off. I had to be towed from the hard shoulder of the M25, ditch it at a garage, and get the train home. This was, btw, on the way to a party. On New Year’s Eve. Ended up watching Jools Holland on my own with a bottle of unremarkable wine from the local offy.

        1. Seal*

          Same here. My grandmother taught me how to sew when I was a kid. Didn’t realize it at time, but I was learning an invaluable life skill. I’m in my 50s now and still break out my sewing machine semi-regularly.

    13. Flooch*

      Best is probably my air fryer, I got a little mini one from Aldi and cook in it at least once a day. I’d love a bigger one or one with the two baskets that cook side by side but I’ll stick with this one until it gives up.

      Worst was probably one of the handheld Dyson vacuum cleaners. It was on a Black Friday deal so I couldn’t believe my luck but it was a total gimmick and broke just after the warranty expired. Would never recommend a Dyson to anyone and it’s an expensive piece of junk in the garage now!

      1. Sc@rlettNZ*

        A friend of mine had a Dyson that couldn’t suck a sausage off a greasy plate. It was so useless that his cleaner used to bring her own hoover to his house.

      2. cubone*

        This doesn’t really apply since it was about $500 but if my Miele vacuum broke, I would immediately place an order for the same one. It’s the best thing I own. I hate how well known Dyson is for being pretty meh. Get a Miele people!!

        1. Cookie*

          Miele is my Oneday Someday dream. I actually am happy enough with my Dyson V7 for quick pickups, which if you have a cat is an everyday thing. But I am not fooled into thinking it’s anything like a Miele.

    14. Dumpster Fire*

      Best: my ebags “mother lode” travel bag. I can pack for a week, it had just the right amount and type of pockets to be useful but not lose stuff, and I got it for a good deal at $70.

      Worst: my Roomba. Clogs and jams so much (mostly with pet hair, but also gets stuck under furniture) it’s easier to just run the vacuum myself.

      1. SpellingBee*

        Please tell me more about the Mother Lode bag! Is it the rolling carry-on one? I’m in the market for a new rollaboard bag and these look really interesting.

        My best purchase has to be our Breville toaster oven. We’ve had it for probably 9 or 10 years now, and use it several times a week for everything from warming up leftover pizza to baking small batch casseroles and cakes. It doesn’t heat the house up in the summer and is more energy-efficient than the big oven.

        Worst, will agree with you that it was the Roomba, and for the same reasons.

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          I declutter while roomba circulates and give it a foot nudge as needed. Otherwise I tend to vacuum OR declutter. ..your mileage may vary.

        2. Dumpster Fire*

          Mine is the travel backpack, not the rolling bag. I think they’re quite similar in terms of pockets, etc., except the backpack version has a padded back slot that easily fits any laptop. It doesn’t look like the rolling bag has that although it might. The backpack also has a zippered slot into which the backpack straps can be tucked, if you need to check the bag (or just don’t want it to look like a backpack!)

          In terms of space in the bag: I can pack about a week’s worth of relatively casual clothes in the main compartment without using the 1.5″ of expansion. The bigger pocket on the front fits a pair or two of shoes if they’re not too chunky; there’s a zippered slot on the front of that which is great for small amounts of papers, a book, etc. I put charging cords (i.e., phone, watch) and other relatively small items in the pocket that runs across the top. It’s pretty easy to pack and to live out of, if you need to do so.

        3. Peonies*

          We have two versions of the Motherlode backpacks plus roller boards and have been very happy with all of them. They have held up very well and the size works well for our packing needs (we tend to be light packers.) Ours are all over five years old at this point so I am sure they have updated them. I know hardcore travelers may prefer lighter weight backpacks or hard sided roller boards, but I am quite satisfied with our Motherlodes, especially for the price point.

      3. Girasol*

        A friend told us we needed to get Rick Steves bags for a three week trip to Australia. That might not be my very best purchase but it was right up there. Decades later I use mine for any trip anywhere and it still looks brand new.

      4. MissElizaTudor*

        That’s so interesting! I was going to say that my best is my Roomba. I have a refurbished of the cheapest one, and I think it does a great job, including when I’ve had cats here, and pushes me to tidy up my space better so it will run properly. Although my comparison point is just not vacuuming, so that probably alters my perceptions.

        1. KoiFeeder*

          Yeah, the best isn’t my Eufy (also known as Minister Roomba), but I’ve been very happy with him.

          1. Joielle*

            We recently bought a eufy and we love it. We have four cats and it’s amazing how much cleaner it is just running that little guy every couple of days. Not gonna completely replace the need to vacuum (especially rugs) but it’s a huge improvement!

        2. thursday*

          Yeah, I personally love my roomba, because it means that my house occasionally gets vacuumed.

      5. Beethoven, nooooo!*

        My roomba is more of a pet than a cleaning solution haha. I named it and I dress it up for holidays but it’s no match for the amount of pet hair my animals produce (probably better than nothing, particularly if I ran it every single day, but as you say I can’t leave it unattended or it immediately gets stuck).

      6. Sundial*

        I am glad to hear you hate your Roomba. I was on the fence about them, but hearing the Amazon bought them was the final nail in the coffin for me.

        1. BubbleTea*

          I have had and liked both a Deebot and a Neato, if anyone is looking for an alternative to letting Amazon make blueprints of your home.

      7. EdgarAllanCat*

        The ebag mother lode comment was perfect timing! It looks perfect for my needs & is 30% off right now. Just ordered it.

        My best purchase since moving into a high rise condo was a gorilla cart for $120.

        Worst was a slow cooker. took me a long time to understand that it just cooks things slowly. Still the same amount of prep work, food doesn’t taste better (slightly worse, imo), and it isn’t a pressure cooker. Hated that thing.

      8. Filosofickle*

        I gave my Roomba away! There are a bunch of reasons, including that I could vacuum in less time than it took to prep for it, but my favorite glitch is it simply refused to do my striped carpet tiles. There was a black stripe in the pattern, and the Roomba’s optical sensor perceived that as a stair/dropoff and to keep itself from “falling” it would shut down.

    15. Russian in Texas*

      Best: a tie between a nice Lodge Dutch oven and an air-fryer. Worst: multiple shoes over the years.

      1. Beethoven, nooooo!*

        Shoes are so hard! They can feel fine in the store and just not work out and about – and they’ve very expensive!

        1. Filosofickle*

          I’ve said many times that it would be cheaper to invest in a home treadmill to try shoes than all the money I’ve wasted on shoes that can’t go the distance. Lots of things can feel fine even after an hour at home but fail on the sidewalk or trail, because the way you walk outside is so different than inside. And having spent most of my adult life in cities, I need shoes that can go miles.

    16. Russian in Texas*

      Best expensive thing: my current canister vacuum, Shark, for $400. It’s awesome. Also, super cheap but a life saver – one of those lint scrapers that advertise on Facebook and IG: they really do take the car hair out of everything.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Now I know this heat wave has boiled my brain. I hate to think how long I tried to figure out what car hair was before realizing it’s a typo for cat hair.

        2. Pennyworth*

          Car hair is a thing – my perpetually shedding dalmatian who only travels in my car a few times a year has infested it with a never ending supply of hair.

          1. Hotdog not dog*

            Yes. I am an occasional chauffeur to a husky. It’s like driving inside a snow globe!

            1. Forgotten username*

              The snow globe comment made me laugh. Not a husky owner but you’ve made me feel like one.

    17. The Cosmic Avenger*

      Best right now is definitely our smart bulbs; I just ordered 8 Wyze bulbs for about $100, as the Geeni bulbs we had in two rooms would every once in a while stop responding to commands or even the app for hours. Even those, when they worked, were great — I love being able to walk into a room with my hands full and say “OK Google/Alexa, turn on the lights”, or to say “Turn off all the lights” from bed. And I was able to do away with those timer plugs to make our house look occupied while we’re on vacation. I also set up a “wake up” routine that starts one set of lights at 1% and increases it to 100% over 30 minutes. Although our Shark WandVac might be up there, too.

      Worst was probably these huge beanbag chairs that can also be unzipped and flattened into a kind of rectangle supposedly to sleep on. We never use them, and they’re not comfortable to sit on, they’re just taking up a lot of space.

    18. Becky S.*

      What a great topic!!
      I still like to iron some items. My best purchase was a padded, magnetized (on the sides) cover that fits over my dryer, that I can then use to iron shirts, pants, as needed. This will work only on a flat top washer or dryer. Don’t leave it on the dryer when using the dryer as heat will build up. Currently it goes for $20-$25.

      1. Cookie*

        You mean it turns the top of the dryer into an ironing board surface? Wow!

        My dryer is stacked on top of my washer so I’d have to get on a ladder for that, but I can imagine Past Me really using this a lot in my tiny laundry alcove at a former house.

        1. Becky S.*

          Yes, I can iron on top of my dryer. Doesn’t work if you have stacked units. You could probably use it on other surfaces, like a table, but it would slide around.

    19. Lilo*

      For something very cheap: silicone muffin tins. I use them almost constantly when I almost never made muffins before. I also use them to make egg bites and pizza rolls.

      1. I take tea*

        I like those too! We bake a lot of banana muffins without grease, and they always get stuck on paper. Silicone is so much better.

    20. Golden French Fry*

      Best: event insurance for my spring 2020 wedding! It cost less than $200 but saved me several thousand in deposits that would have been lost otherwise. I bought it the day before my state got its first COVID case. My cats are a close second (haha jk, I’d actually rank them best) and were BOGO at the shelter for an $80 adoption fee.

      Worst: maybe a refurbished tablet? It never quite worked correctly and I didn’t get my money’s worth.

    21. small town*

      Seconding the clothes steamer. It is amazing and saves so much time!
      Worst: an expensive travel bag with 157 pockets that was surprisingly heavy.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        What I always praise in my Osprey luggage is the correct number of pockets–because there is definitely a point where adding more makes the product less and less useful.

    22. Ali G*

      Best would be either my sous vide stick or my air fryer. Both support healthy cooking and the air fryer is quick, while sous vide helps me batch cook on the weekends.
      Worst would be a well-hyped cleaning kit for my cast iron, that basically ruined my seasoning and I had to strip them and reseason both my pans.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Hah! My answer: my air fryer. My husband’s answer: his sous vide stick. :)

        1. Cedrus Libani*

          +1 for sous vide stick. If you cook meat at home, do yourself a favor and get one. We use it all the time.

            1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

              really good for root veg – I eat sous vided carrots by the pound, and butter-poached potatoes are fantastic. This winter I want to try butternut squash.

              Personally where I think the sous vide really shines is that we can put food in a marinade (or just a bit of butter and seasoning) in a freezer bag and freeze it, then when cooking time comes just chuck the whole thing in the water bath without having to further prep it. I always keep a packet of Serious Eats halal cart chicken in my freezer for a quick and easy supper night.

            2. Cedrus Libani*

              I’ve done non-meat things, but I personally love a roasted root vegetable too much to switch over, and for most other veggies I think you’d have a hard time telling the difference between sous vide and a more traditional method. Also veggies tend to cook hotter than meat, so you can’t just use freezer bags, you need a vacuum sealer with bags that can handle the temperature. Eggs are good fun though.

              1. Schmitt*

                I dunno, I love me a roasted carrot, but sous vide carrots…. I could die happy eating them. A little olive oil the in bag, a little powdered sugar, a bit of salt and some herbs maybe. The sous vide technique intensifies the carrot flavor in a way no other cooking method I’ve tried yet does.

    23. overeducated*

      Best: food processor. Its the workhorse of my kitchen. Instant pot close second in the summer.

      Worst: this is worst current, not worst ever. I regret buying a single curtain rod because I need need solid curtains for my front window that looks right out over the sidewalk, but I would much prefer sheers for the afternoon sun, it’s either blackout dark or full exposure now. It’s installed in my crumbly century old brick walls, so I’m kinda stuck with it.

      1. Owler*

        I have solid curtains on an installed rod but added sheer cafe curtains inside the window frame on a tension rod. Maybe you could do something similar?

        1. overeducated*

          Thanks, I used to have that pre-curtain rod, but I haaaaaate any curtains inside the window frame. I am in a rowhome with the ensuing small number of windows, so keeping the full front window unobstructed is my One Weird Thing.

          1. Hatchet*

            Might I suggest a double curtain rod? I have one for both sets of my back windows and love them! I have sheers on one rod and black out curtains on the other – works great for whatever the needs are!

            1. Overeducated*

              Yes, I would love a double curtain rod! Should’ve bought one in the first place. Right now, buying another thing and drilling more holes in our crumbly walls is not high on the list, but I’m wondering if for now I can just put some sheers on between the solid curtains on the same rod, and tie them back very tightly to not block the windows.

              1. Juneybug*

                Would window privacy film help? It would still allow (frosted or colored) light in but block folks from seeing inside. We use the film for the lower window in our bathroom.

    24. DarthVelma*

      Best under $200 – I didn’t buy myself but my partner got it for me off of my wishlist. It’s a heating pad that covers almost my entire back and comes up over the shoulders to snap together in the front with magnets. I have issues with my shoulders and neck and it’s so nice to have a heating pad that covers that area and stays in place. It’s also big enough and flexible enough that I use it in other areas as well – sometimes I wrap it around my bad knee and the magnets hold it together pretty well there too. Or I can lay it flat and it warms my entire back.

      Worst under $200 – it’s hard to think of just one thing. Most of the purchases in that range that I’ve regretted have been clothing items purchased online that just didn’t end up fitting. I suppose the futon I bought for my first ever apartment. That thing was very very uncomfortable and I kept it way longer than I needed to.

          1. KoiFeeder*

            Thank you so much! Perhaps in another thread on another week this bad boy will become my newest top purchase.

    25. Falling Diphthong*

      Best: Probably a good tea kettle. I’ll toss a high quality knife (Wusthof and Kyocera) in there.

      Worst: A white dress with purple flowers which I got rid of last weekend. Lovely concept, yet on my limited dressier occasions it always was not quite comfortable and so I would change to something else. I don’t think I ever wore it past the fitting room.

    26. Sloanicota*

      Best: automatic kitty litter machine (there are more expensive ones and less expensive ones, I got the less expensive one for like $150). Also: a portable space heater that looks like a fire, for my drafty living room – I spend the entire winter practically huddled around that thing.

      Worst … hmm. I guess I try to forget my failures haha. Probably some fancy item of clothing or shoes that I thought I’d wear to parties and never did. Makeup, maybe, which can be terribly pricey and not work any better than drug store stuff.

      1. Joielle*

        Which kitty litter machine did you get?? I’ve been looking at a few of the really expensive ones and they look great but hard to justify a $500 poop scooper…

        1. Cedrus Libani*

          FWIW I have used a Litter Robot for years. Used the original in a four-cat household, now have a 3rd edition of my own in a two-cat household. Yeah, I spent $500 on a litter box. It’s still one of my favorite purely frivolous purchases.

          You should know going in that it’s a robot; there will be maintenance involved. Some people are shocked and appalled that they might have to take a screwdriver to their $500 litter box. You do. It will throw errors sometimes; they’re pretty informative but you might have to look up what they mean. Personally, I take off the top part and vacuum the litter out of the base every 2-3 months, just as preventive maintenance. Every 6 months or so I might have to break out the manual, followed by cleaning a sensor or something. Nothing difficult, but if you’re not up for basic household DIY then you should skip this one.

          1. Time's Thief*

            We got our first Litter Robot during quarantine and I think I scare some of my friends over how enthusiastic I am about a $500 litter box. But it’s really that good! We have 6 cats and I think I’d go insane dealing with the litter if not for R-Poo (our litter robo). It’s good enough that I’m actively talking myself out of a second litter robot. Like, seriously, we don’t need it, the cats are fine with the current setup. But the newest one is so sleek …

    27. Hotdog not dog*

      Best- technically not a purchase, but the adoption fee for Best Good Dog was $200.
      Worst- a tie between the dozens of absolutely adorable outfits in my closet with tags still on that I will never wear. (Unless somehow the middle age spread manages to significantly contract!)

        2. Time's Thief*

          Totally! Though most of ours came off the street so no adoption fee. Instead we got vet fees for the spays/neuters which came out to a considerable bit more than our shelter kitty’s fee. Also doctor fees after one of our new kittens protested the spay visit by hanging off my finger. By her teeth.

          Ah, well. Totally worth every cent.

      2. dogs not gods*

        Yep, best $80 I ever spent was the day I ganked my dog from the animal shelter. I adopted her 3 months before quarantine and it was so good for my mental health to walk her twice a day. That girl is a walking fool.

    28. KoiFeeder*

      Best thing: my Snailax Shiatsu Neck and Shoulder Massager. Currently ~$32 on amazon, it is my best friend and I love it.

      Worst thing: Not actually my purchase, but my parents got a juicer when I was put permanently on the low-residue diet, and insisted I take it with me to college and then undergrad. I do not like the juicer. I cannot even give the juicer away because according to the people who are into juices it’s actually just that terrible.

    29. Academic Librarian too*

      best: Sleep-away camp for my year- and half old dog for two months. Although I worked with trainers and a behaviorist, the only solution was to throw a big pile of money at the problem and send her away. She was trained, then I was trained, and she is a very good dog and very good citizen now.

      worst: actually not really sure. My stepmother used to say- we don’t wear our mistakes, we just pay for them.

    30. Elizabeth West*

      Excellent topic!

      BEST:
      I bought several things for under $200 that I especially love but they’re all in storage. I miss my stuff. :(
      One of the best was a large Chinese camphor chest from the 1940s to put sheets and blankets in. Flea market, $100. The seller was actually there that day and she hauled it home for me in her truck. She said she bought it from a lady whose mom brought it to the US during or after WWII. Its black finish was a disaster so I stripped and refinished it. I didn’t care about value since I’m not selling it; I just wanted it to look less gross. It smells like medicine but it’s really nice. I just need to replace the lid support hinges. https://i.imgur.com/fqK50QJ.jpg

      WORST:
      A futon from Kmart. I bought it when the frame of the daybed I used as a sofa finally gave up the ghost. I thought the futon would be a good alternative, but it was not. It was too low to the ground and killed my knees every time I got up, it felt like a rock, and it took up too much floor space when opened fully in my small living room. I absolutely HATED it.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          Thanks! It was a really great find for a good price, which is the whole reason I go to the flea market, heh heh.
          I have no idea what kind of wood the outside is made of. It needs a couple more coats of polyurethane but I can’t do anything about that right now.

    31. Girasol*

      Best: My bike. When I was a kid I was so jealous of my brother’s racing Peugeot but my babysitting money could barely cover a no-name cheapo bike. Decades later I was in a bike shop with a broken derailleur and they said, “They don’t make that kind anymore. You might try a second hand shop for a bike to part out.” So I did and there was my Peugeot: Eddy Merckx silver commemorative edition, just my size, with a $15 tag on it. Looked like it had been left in a corner for 30 years, but with the crumbling seat and tires replaced it was new again. I’ve ridden spendy modern bikes but nothing has the great ride of that Peugeot. Best purchase ever.

    32. Nicole76*

      Best – $180 Shark cordless vacuum that converts into a handheld. My house is cleaner than ever because it is light and easy to maneuver, therefore I don’t mind vacuuming frequently.

      Worst – $70 drone. It’s very difficult to control and so lightweight that any amount of wind throws it off course. It’s too easy to break off critical pieces when it inevitably crashes to the ground. Used it twice and got frustrated; now it sits in a box in the closet.

    34. AGD*

      Fantastic question!

      Best: I really want to say my sewing machine, but it was a little more than $200. It’s a toss-up between the electric heating pad that lives under my desk half the year (I have a circulatory disorder and live in a cold climate, so it goes a long way), and the laser printer that has lasted for an actual decade on only about three toner cartridges and given me no hardware problems whatsoever.

      Worst: Yeah, I too learned the hard way that finding a shoe retailer I loved online, admiring the pictures of a pair, reading about their comfort level, and excitedly buying them on sale did not mean I would actually have the slightest amount of interest in wearing the shoes in question. It was only about $50, but still, I felt stupid for using up that money uselessly, and guiltily took the shoebox to a thrift shop. Hopefully someone has been utterly delighted.

      1. Cedrus Libani*

        I have learned that buying shoes online is a fool’s errand. I am the person who will sit there for two hours, trying on literally every pair in the shop, hoping to maybe find one that doesn’t annoy me. But then I’m comfortable, and I’ll wear those shoes until I walk holes in them, so it’s worth it.

        I last made that mistake when I was getting married. There was one pair of white flats on the entire Internet that was supposedly my size, so I bought them. Instantly remembered why I never wear women’s shoes – they were still too small, and not the least bit comfortable. I bought stretchers; I froze them, took a heat gun to them, swaddled my foot in blister pads and attempted to walk in them, etc. They were still uncomfortable. Finally decided that I’d lost my blessed mind. Inner Bridezilla to the rescue! I threw those shoes in the bin, and threatened to provide a bouquet enema to anyone who dared give me grief about it. Most of the wedding party also gratefully put on the shoes they’d brought with them to change into the moment the ceremony ended, and wore those instead. It was fine.

        1. Bibliovore*

          I was prepared for my wedding. White character shoes for the walk down the aisle and getting married. (my stepmother can be very insistent) White reeboks for the rest of the day.

        2. allathian*

          For me it’s not a matter of size, but I have short and wide feet, so it’s very difficult to find anything nice to wear. I wore a pair of shiny Ecco shoes for my wedding. Nobody gave me any grief, I was 8 months pregnant at the time, and wore black maternity pants and a dressy maternity tunic. Yes, the bride can wear black at the wedding if she wants.

          I don’t buy clothes online. The only thing I could probably buy with little risk would be the patterned long-sleeved t-shirts I wear to work, but there’s no way I’d buy a pair of pants or shoes without trying them on first.

    35. the cat's ass*

      I have multiple best purchases: a Zojirushi hot water pot; a Zojirushi rice cooker, and the number #1 is the Dyson Animal Stick vacuum. The Stick is light weight, has a battery and is rechargeable. My house is a bunch of redwood boxes flung up against a hill, so LOTS of stairs, and i can carry that Stick up and down to get ALL those stairs clean.

      Worst/overhyped purchase? Probably my Instapot. It’s okay and i do use it intermittently, but i always fear it’s going to act like a typical pressure cooker and explode.

    36. Nicki Name*

      Best: Swiss Army knife, $30 (over 20 years ago though). I still carry it with me and find frequent uses for it.

      Worst: Would have to think about that, it’s probably something I’ve banished from my mind…

    37. beentheredonethat*

      My Under Armour hiking boots. Hiked about 15 miles a week for 4 years and still they are happy shoes.
      My Chefmate skillet, I’ve had for about 15 years and its still my favorite
      Dry Tek tees -7 years hard wear
      Ryder breathable steel toe shoes – forgot I had them on and wore them home
      Sunbeam Oskar 3 cup food processor – 10 years and still chopping
      Bissell Airam battery operated vacuum cleaner – I discovered I didn’t hate vacuuming, it was the vacuums I hated

    38. Bluebell*

      Best is a tie between the Lodge Dutch oven I got in a pretty shade of blue, and a nesting set of 4 Pyrex bowls w lids.
      I can’t really think of a good worst, though I’ve been testing out various purple shampoos, and been disappointed by quite a few.

    39. Esmeralda*

      Pink paisley raincoat from target, $35 on sale. I’ve had it for years, it’s still water resistant, and I get compliments on it ever time I wear it.

      1. Jay*

        Last summer I wandered into an Eileen Fisher store, fell in love with a raincoat, and choked on the price tag. Went home, looked on ThredUp, and snagged the exact same raincoat in a color I liked better (red!) for less than half the price. Absolutely love that coat and feel smart every time I wear it.

    40. MEH Squared*

      Best: SSD (Solid State Drive) for my desktop. I bought one for my laptop years ago and it changed my life. When I bought my current desktop, I knew I had to have one.

      Worst: Instapot (instant pot). Everyone raved about them and my brother insisted it would change my life. I’ve used it maybe three times and have since given it to said brother. All the things I hate about cooking (chopping things up, attending to different things at different times) were not alleviated by the Instapot and it didn’t really save much time, either. Such an utter disappointment.

      1. Time's Thief*

        While my instant pot isn’t my biggest regret (I do use it occasionally for yogurt making and, with the air fryer lid, air frying), it did make me realize that I’m a very simple cook. I need the control that a simple pot and stove top give me and don’t like putting my food in a black box and hoping everything works. And those cook times are SUCH a lie! Sure, it’s only 15 minutes at high pressure but no one mentioned it takes a good half-hour to get there and then needs another who-knows-how-long to come back down.

        I’m happy for everyone who loves theirs but I’ve found it’s just not how I cook.

        1. Cedrus Libani*

          I’ve had that experience with the Instant Pot also. By the time it (slowly) heats up, and then (slowly) depressurizes, you might as well have just cooked it on the stovetop. And if there are any vegetables involved, you’ll probably have more lid-free cooking at the end to boil off the excess moisture.

          I do use it regularly for stock. Turns an overnight boil into a set-and-forget operation that’s done in two hours max. I also use the air fryer accessory a lot more than I thought I would. It’s also a decent slow cooker, definitely better than the ancient fire hazard it replaced, but I don’t do that nearly as much as I used to. Does just enough to stay on the kitchen counter, but not a life changer.

        2. Gravity*

          Yes! I have a crockpot that makes the same dishes I’d do in an Instapot, and with the crockpot I can just throw stuff in before work and come home to a done meal. No babysitting required, and a lot easier to clean.

      2. Generic Name*

        I have an instant pot that basically is a rice cooker. Turns out, I’m not really that into “wet” foods. I like oven cooking and sautéing and crispy skin, etc.

      3. marvin*

        I just have a regular slow cooker and was initially disappointed in it as well until I discovered that it makes amazing curry. That alone saved it from being donated in my recent move.

      1. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

        I love mine, too! Not having to remember to buy more period supplies when I run low has removed one of those minor yet incredibly annoying hassles from my life.

      2. NeonFireworks*

        I forgot about this! And my winter coat, which is from The North Face and has lasted like 15 years.

      3. Nack*

        Yes! Well, diva brand didn’t work for me, so I have a June cup. They were selling them at cost during early pandemic days so I think with shipping it was only about $15. Also period underwear. As someone with a very heavy flow, (used to used cup + giant pads & still wake up 1-2 times a night to refresh), period panties were a life changer.

        1. Observer*

          This is a total aside, but if you have not done so yet, please get that checked out. And if you spoke to your doctor who just waved it away, please find someone who will take it seriously.

          In the vast, vast majority of cases bleeding THIS heavy is tied to an underlying condition and it’s often worthwhile to check it out. Also, in too many cases, doctors blow it off so it can be hard to find someone to actually check it out.

    42. Lcsa99*

      Best: our stand mixer. We’ve put so many miles on it and love it

      Worst: our robo vac. I know a lot of people have theirs as the best, but we bought a BobSweep and it was such a waste. It took forever, it always got stuck. I don’t think it ever finished a whole room without a problem. I am sure there are more things we’ve wasted money on (definitely agree on shoes!) but this was the first that came to mind

      1. Time's Thief*

        While I like our old roomba, my husband would totally agree with you. I don’t mind that it makes it about fifteen minutes before needing to be rescued, can’t find its way back to its charger, and keeps getting lost in the bathroom. It keeps the cats out so I can exercise without stepping on tails and really, after that, the slightly cleaner room is just a bonus.

        But it really does fail as a robotic vacuum. Granted, it’s a decade old so don’t take that as a statement on new roombas. Maybe they don’t manage to close themselves in the toilet stall EVERY SINGLE TIME. This one, though? It’s got issues. But, like I said, it works for me so we keep it. My husband thinks I’m nuts.

    43. Joielle*

      Best – I have a few!
      – Kitchen: Instant Pot (and Instant-Pot-brand air fryer)
      – Office: a tiny little lamp thing that sits right below my monitor and is just bright enough to light the darker side of my face in Zoom meetings. I look so much better on video now.
      – Workout: a deeply discounted treadmill that I got from Aldi for $100
      – Garden: a hori-hori knife

      Worst – oh god, I’ve bought so many things over the years that I thought were going to be The Most Amazing Thing but ended up being total duds. Once I bought a SpiritHoods wolf hat (literally a fake fur hat with wolf ears) that was like $150. Why?? I do not know but I decided that I absolutely needed it at the time. I get it out every year for when the trick or treaters come by but never wear it aside from that.

    44. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Tie for best with cheap toaster oven with a timer on it (You can toast! You can roast! You can bake!) and u-shaped body pillow from Queen Rose (It’s like being cuddled on both sides, and you can support your entire leg, not just your knee).

      I’ve made a lot of purchases that didn’t work out, but I don’t remember them much. I toss them out and move on.

    45. Burnt Eggs*

      Worst- yeti cooler. Too heavy (for me) and didn’t keep things any colder than our older ones.
      Best- BIDET!!! love it so much, I gave as presents to some people! :-)

        1. Burnt Eggs*

          Luxe Neo 120 and just installed a Luxe Neo 180 in a seldom used bathroom. Took 1/2 hour to install, less if I would have shut off the water all the way first! Mine are not heated, but it’s never been too cold. I love them so much, I feel I’m ‘roughing it’ whenever I go somewhere with a standard toilet.

          1. Mad Hatter*

            I bought the Lux 180 early in the pandemic based on a suggestion on here and also have given a couple as gifts. The TP shortage was not an issue at my house!

    46. Echo*

      Best: food processor, laptop stand, house slippers, a nice fleece from Patagonia, external hard drive where I back up my laptop.

      Worst: mostly clothing purchases, of things that I didn’t really need and/or didn’t actually look good on me. I also don’t use my fancy stand mixer anywhere near as much as I thought I would. “Surely, this will be the week you suddenly turn into an avid baker,” I tell myself about once a week on average.

    47. All Monkeys are French*

      Best is probably the Oxo gooseneck electric kettle. It’s lightning fast and great for making pour-over coffee.

      Worst is a pair of shoes I thought just needed a little breaking-in, but they only got less comfortable, and then it was too late to send them back.

    48. TallGuy*

      Niche as heck, but…one of the best purchases I made was the pair of recovery sandals I bought at the Hoka One One booth at the NYC Marathon expo in 2018. Extremely comfortable, easy to get on (which is a plus after races), and they’ve lasted me four years so far. (Granted, I haven’t worn them THAT much, but they’ve been through quite a bit.)

    50. Danish*

      Best: this may be a bit of a controversial answer, and I know it’s not an “object”, but my purebred cat I got from a breeder early 2020. This cat is so unlike any shelter cat I’ve ever owned, in a way that is both challenging and delightful, and he was deeply integral to helping me through the worst of the pandemic. He also has helped me establish healthier routines, Because he is very particular about his bedtime (and thus, my bedtime), and when his box is cleaned, and even bothers me to take him outside on a regular basis (on a leash).

      Worst: any of the very high end, quality drawing tablets I’ve purchased over the years. I fanc(ied) myself an artist, but I was never dedicated enough to even remotely justify those expensive, professional tools. I ended up giving them all away, including a brand new cintinq that I never even opened.

    51. Voluptuousfire*

      Best—my air fryer. I actually use it, so it’s fantastic.

      Worst—so many shoes. I have a wider right foot along with the beginnings of a bunion, so so many shoes just don’t fit right. i also forget to take them back and only remember a week or two after the time to take them back is over.

    52. cityMouse*

      I love my costco house brand (Gourmia) air fryer. Bought it on sale for 60CAD. Best appliance ever. I use it every day. I love it.

      Worst: a made-to-measure suit for $600CAD. I thought it would be a good investment, and really needed a good, basic, black suit (jacket and pants) for work. It didn’t fit! I couldn’t move in it. I couldn’t raise my arms, or sit in a chair! I was so upset, we had several fittings and discussions, and I still don’t get the disconnect, but once it’s made you can’t change it. The unspoken accusation was that I had gained weight, but I hadn’t. I was so unhappy! Never, ever, EVER again. What a waste of money. It sits in my closet and accuses me of wastefulness. I hate it. I went to the local thrift store and bought separates and they fit quite well and DIDN’T COST 600CAD. I’m still angry at myself. ARGH.

      1. cityMouse*

        the only good thing is how much I learned, quite expensively, about made to measure vs off the rack vs custom suits. If you ever make this choice, be very well informed about the fabric. The tailor claimed I chose the wrong fabric.

        Again, argh.

    53. Mme Defarge*

      best is my Ashford spinning wheel – bought just after I was unexpectedly widowed young, 18 months after getting married and emigrating. I spent hours and hours spinning. After 35 years being mostly tucked away, it has come out again and is sustaining me through pandemic times. (Just needed a spot of oil.) It did cost less than $200 (equivalent) at the time, but a new one would be more now.

    54. Jasmine Tea*

      Best: My electric towel warmer. I live in a subtropical climate and it prevents my towels getting moldy and smelly. I love it! In the winter the towels are warm and cozy.

    55. JustAnotherJedi*

      Best purchase that comes to me right away? A water fountain ($20) for my very senior cat (he was 24 at the time and used the fountain almost two years). Now my 15 year old cat loves it too. Oh, and my air fryer ($70). Swore I’d never have one now we used it ALL THE TIME!
      Worst? A thing that goes between the front seats and back seats of my car. My dogs rammed through it like it was made of paper. I should have considered that one of the dogs in question is 140 pounds. Ooops.

  2. Ginger Pet Lady*

    Was reminded this week of the show Early Edition with Kyle Chandler and went to see if I could find it streaming for a little nostalgia. I can’t find it!
    I’ve previously looked for and not found:
    Once and Again
    Providence
    What old shows do you wish were available for streaming?

    1. Dark Macadamia*

      Oh I loved Early Edition!

      For years I wanted to watch all of Lizzie McGuire and Boy Meets World since I only ever saw what happened to be on when I watched TV. When Disney Plus happened I watched a handful of episodes of both but it’s just not the same now (also, there were SO MANY Lizzie episodes I’d never seen? Why did they constantly re-air the bra one and the camping one??)

    2. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      I miss the 80’s tv specials that existed entirely to sell toys. My parents taped them off-air at the time onto beta tapes, so I rewatched them over and over again growing up (but did not have any of the toys – my parents were much pickier about what toys I could have than they were about me watching tv shows marketing toys, so I spent a lot of time wishing I had stuff I’d seen on tv).

      I particularly miss Fluppy Dogs (which did not seem to make it to Disney+ despite being a Disney show) and Star Fairies. Neither ever got a DVD release. I had better luck with the various Garfield specials that I also liked as a kid and picked those up when they came out on DVD. I also wish I could remember the names of more of the cartoons I used to watch, but I pretty much just watched everything on in a given programming block except for a few shows I disliked, so not all names got retained. Oh well.

      3. TvShowsOnDVD is a missed resource*

        Main reason it hasn’t had a physical or digital release is because it was a co-production by more than 2 companies, and was started before full-season tv releases to dvd were a thing. Basically the rights are a complete legal mess. And that isn’t even touching on the music rights. (I did a big deep dive on this in, like 2008. Basically until it goes into public domain, or someone spends a LOT of money, we won’t see a release outside of, I think season 1 came out in Germany in, like, 2006.)

    6. UKDancer*

      Poltergeist the Legacy. I can not find it anywhere. I have the first season on DVD but can’t get the others in a UK compatible format. I loved that series.

      Also Forever Knight which was one of my favourite shows as a university student and one of the first fandoms I wrote really bad angsty fanfic about.

      1. Fran Fine*

        Forever Knight was awesome in all its early 90s, Canadian production campiness. I believe the first two seasons are on Prime.

      2. allathian*

        A modern blu-ray player should play both Euro and US DVD formats. Thank goodness they did away with that nonsense with blu-rays.

      1. anony*

        If you’re in the United States, LA Law is available on Amazon Prime. Not sure if it’s all seasons cus I don’t know how many they had.

        1. SpellingBee*

          Me too! They were my favorites. Sue Perkins also did a couple of short series with Giles Coren called The Supersizers Go and The Supersizers Eat, where they spend a week eating (and dressing) as though they lived in a specific era, such as Victorian England. Very entertaining.

        1. KoiFeeder*

          Oh, yeah, it was incredible. Which era and animal was their favorite? I loved 100 million years, the toratons were just great.

    11. Seal*

      Homefront, which also stars Kyle Chandler. It’s an early 90s post-WWII drama about how a small town adjusted to life after the war.

      1. Dancing Otter*

        I remember being so angry, watching that, when it showed the companies firing all the women employees so they could hire returning veterans.

    12. Defective Jedi*

      Clean Sweep. The organizers were kind and shared strategies I still use to keep my Stuff under control.

      1. feline outerwear catalog*

        That’s Life from the 90s, I never watched Real Housewives, but it’s Heather Dubrow back in the day if you did. Such an empowering show for the era, I loved the characters.

    13. Fran Fine*

      What old shows do you wish were available for streaming?

      Tales from the Crypt. I’m still kicking myself that I didn’t buy them when they were available for sale on Amazon Prime. I wish HBO would bring it back or some other streamer would buy the rights – there are no good horror anthology series out, and as a huge horror buff, it’s disappointing.

      1. T. Boone Pickens*

        Oh wow, I was just thinking about that show a couple days ago and was wondering if it was available to stream anywhere. The opening to that show scared the bejesus out of young me!

        1. Fran Fine*

          It scared the crap out of my little brother, too, lol. Every time the Crypt Keeper popped up out of that coffin, my brother would scream. Every. Single. Time.

          He should probably be in therapy now…

    14. Patty Mayonnaise*

      Ed! Lovely show and SO many actors were on it before they got famous (Julie Bowen, John Slattery, Justin Long, Ginnifer Goodwin, and Michael Ian Black though he was already as famous as he ever was!). I suspect there is a rights issue with this one too – it was NBC/Universal plus David Letterman’s production company so it’s a bit of a no-mans land on what streamer it would live on. I’m also not sure they got enough episodes to be syndicated. They ALSO had a rights issue when the show came out because there was confusion about whether they got the rights for the theme song from the Foo Fighters. For a while they had some other song as the theme, then the rights issue got worked out and the FF song came back! Thank you for coming to my TED talk about little-known early 00s television.

    15. JK78*

      A quick google search for Early Edition turns up an article in Variety that says CBS might reboot it. Sounds like a pilot has been ordered and it’ll be a gal reporter? “In the rebooted version, an ambitious but uncompromising journalist starts receiving tomorrow’s newspaper today. She then finds herself in the complicated business of changing the news instead of reporting it.” But yeah, I liked Early Edition too, “Mrow!” *THUMP*

      NBC is has Quantum Leap this fall, but supposedly it’s a sequel series than really a reboot. I’m excited, I hope they do more than nod to the “relationship” Sam and Al had, which was always my favorite part. I think I have most of Quantum Leap in a moving box somewhere, I might have to try to dig it out before this fall.

      Once and Again looks like it’s on YouTube, although I’m not sure how “legally” it’s on there. Some shows seem to appear on YouTube and then disappear, so ymmv.

  3. Yeah summer!*

    I was listening to a podcast about what it’s like to be a sibling to a set of twins. As a twin mom with a disgruntled older kid, I want to hear more. Does anyone have the experience of being a sibling to twins. Would you share the things that were hard for you. Honestly, the pettier the better. When you were in elem what really bugged you.

    1. California Dreamin’*

      Interested to see the comments. My older child was 10 and in 4th grade when my twins were born. He’s an adult now, but I often think that must have been quite an experience to go from doted-on only child to mom and dad have way less time for you now because we’re under water with two infants. He has not expressed any resentment, but sometimes my mom guilt kicks in and I think I sort of left him to his own devices too young because he was good at occupying himself with books and Legos and video games. Of course he loves his siblings, but I imagine there’s some baggage there.

      1. fposte*

        Though TBH I think that’s the experience of any older sib to some extent–parents are generally underwater with a new baby, and once they’re there I’m not sure it makes that much difference whether they’re on the bottom of the shallow end or the deep end. I hear a lot of parental confessions about shoving an older sib off with an iPad or whatever to cope with the baby.

        1. California Dreamin’*

          Definitely to some extent, but in my experience (observing friends and family), when there’s one new baby, one parent can focus on older sibling while the other parent is focusing on baby sometimes. With twins, it’s a bit of an all hands on deck situation for a while. But yes, this is certainly something that’s faced by all growing families, maybe just a little more intense.

        2. Beethoven, nooooo*

          that’s interesting, my parent friends mostly tell me they feel guilty engaging less with their younger children as infants because the toddler demands more attention, so they end up letting baby #2 chill in the car seat or bassinet more

          1. California Dreamin’*

            This may be the case if the older sib is a toddler because yeah, they require constant attention. My son was 10 when my twins were born, so he was more self-sufficient and thus easier to ignore. Not that we ignored him completely! But I wish I’d been a little more present for him in his tween years.

    2. Older sister*

      I have two younger identical twin brothers; my husband also has younger identical twin brothers. I think for both of us there were a lot of other dynamics going on such that the twin stuff was pretty small in the scheme of things. My brothers never seemed all that close to each other despite being twins, so I didn’t necessarily have that whole outsider feeling compared to them. My husband and I both got professional degrees at Harvard while none of our brothers went to college, so I feel like we’ve had some pretty different life trajectories and experiences that affect our adult interactions more than any twin/non-twin thing. I mean, hopefully your kids will spend most of their lives as adults and will have better relationships by then? I think siblings are just hard period when you’re little, regardless of twinhood, along with the whole 2 vs. 1 dynamic.

      1. NeonFireworks*

        It’s a really interesting question! In the case in my family, at least, the twins are fraternal and not a lot alike in terms of either appearance or personality (they get along well and occasionally do that twin-talk thing, but other times they find common ground with one of the singleton siblings instead). And all the age gaps are small anyway. It’s really a set of 5 kids where some pair of them are technically twins, but it’s difficult to guess which ones just by looking.

        1. Yeah summer!*

          Ours are fraternal and three years younger than our other child. So oldest went from center of the universe to twin sib.
          They have always been a little think tank. So parenting them is somewhat more challenging. As opposed to the single who just accepted limits.
          They also get more attention just because they are twins. Pre pandemic a lady followed us around Costco cooing at them (more sweet than creepy).
          They are starting to rally for each other. If one’s about to get in trouble the other will cover (badly)
          There is definitely room for very valid complaints

    3. Betsy Devore, Girl Sleuth*

      Not quite what you’re asking for, but I think somewhat relevant: I know a woman online who deeply resented her brother who was born when she was a teenager, because somehow her parents got into a pattern of treating her like an unpaid nanny, taking off for weekends and leaving her in charge. So much for a social life, right? As a result, they were never close, and as adults, barely know each other. I daresay you’ll have to give your singleton son *some* extra responsibilities from now on. But try to phrase it like, you know you can count on him to do this, and you appreciate it. And when he gets to be a teenager, give him enough time to be a teenager.

      Also not the same sitch, but I’m a gap baby, born when my siblings were teenagers, and so is a guy I know IRL. Well, we won’t get into my story, but my friend’s parents had a good way of dealing with scheduling problems. Instead of dragging him to all his older brothers’ sports things, so he could be bored and cranky, they would leave him with his grandparents, sometimes overnight, where he could relax, have fun, and bond with Gma and Gpa. So if possible, let Singleton spend time at the home of a family member, a friend, one of *his* friends; anywhere he feels comfortable.

      1. Betsy Devore, Girl Sleuth*

        Oops, missed the part where the twins are already born. What are the ages/age gap?

      2. Asenath*

        Being the oldest and often the baby-sitter doesn’t always cause problems, though. Maybe it depends on the relationship. I was the oldest in my immediate family, and adored my youngest siblings from the moment they were born – to this day I am much closer to one of them than I am to the sibling closest to me in age. And I certainly helped care for them. On the other hand, I disliked being chief child wrangler when the extended family got together. I was not only the oldest in my immediate family, but the oldest of all the cousins on one side, the side of the family that I saw the most of. In that case, it was largely a matter of responsibility without authority, plus of course the fact that some of these cousins behaved very differently than I expected (or was really considered acceptable, IMO) and saw no reason they should listen to me.

        1. Irish Teacher*

          I think it depends too on the other dynamics in the family. There’s a subtle but significant difference between being asked to help out and being treated as a third parent. I think a lot of it depends on whether the older kids needs and wants are also respected. “You can’t join the soccer team/be in the school play because I might need you to babysit” is a lot different from “hey, are you free to babysit that weekend?”

          Another issue is whether the older one gets extra privileges along with extra responsibilities.

          1. Alexis Rosay*

            Yes, this. As the oldest, I think kids do get that being older comes with more responsibilities. It’s pairing it with privileges that makes it feel worth it.

      3. Dancing Otter*

        A girl in my sixth grade class was kept out of school so often to babysit that the school sent a truant officer after her parents. At 11, it wasn’t even legal for her to babysit at all, let alone being forced to skip school.
        Another eldest sibling that I knew as an adult decided never to have children of her own because she “had raised enough kids already.”
        These were extreme cases, of course, but people shouldn’t have more children than they can care for, or afford to hire help.

    4. PollyQ*

      If your older kid gets too disgruntled, tell him about my cousins. The first child was a girl, and 6-7 years down the road she received the delightful present of twin baby sisters–on her birthday.

      2. AGD*

        Oh no! It was so important to me not to have to share my birthday that I can still tell you my list of all the kids I met in childhood who dared to have the same one as I did. Along with the kid I met who lied and told me she had my birthday, when it turned out that she did not. (She later said, “I don’t know what I was thinking, sorry,” but it wasn’t the only time she made stuff up just to push people around. Also, by that point, we were teenagers.)

    5. Yeah summer!*

      I included more info about our family dynamic upstream here.
      If anyone is interested the podcast was “hills I’d die on” and the topic is separate twins at birth. (A joke. Mostly)
      The bigger points were being a normal sib next to twins who get a lot of extra/unearned attention, witnessing their special relationship (which can lead to gains like avoiding consequences) etc.
      My seven year old is good with his twins, as he calls them. But I could fully see some valid points to get frustrated. (Included in second post. above )

    6. Anon5775*

      I’m 5 yrs older than my identical twin sisters. My main complaint was they got to share a chore and I had to do a full chore. I realized later that this was partly because I was older and more capable, but as a kid I didn’t appreciate that. I think I got overlooked a bit because they were cute and identical. I did help out with helping dad tell them apart but wouldn’t say I felt like I had to help raise them. They were super close up to their twenties and now I’d say one is closer to me because we share politic views etc. One thing my mom regrets that she didn’t even know about for a while was, she was busy with them so didn’t take me to my first day of 2nd grade. A neighbor took me and she wasn’t very effective. It bothered me a bit, but didn’t scar me permanently. But my mom wishes she would have had the neighbor watch my sisters so she could have taken me to school. Good luck!

      1. Texan In Exile*

        Older sister to the Cute Little Sister here. Even having one little sister – complete strangers would stop to gasp about her beauty – was hard.

        To this day, my sister is the one people rave about – her charisma, her smile – and it’s all true – she is the charismatic one whom everyone adores. But now I adore her, too, and have accepted that we are just different.

        1. Chief Petty Officer Tabby*

          With you, TiE! My older brother is the one everyone likes, and it was so unpleasant growing up, because everyone was always on about him, and never noticed anything I did. AT ALL. To make matters worse, people tried to call me “Little J-Rock”. No ma’am, no sir. I am a) a girl, and b) not about to be junior his nickname! What we’re not gonna do is think that’s cute, funny, or appropriate.

          Let’s just say a few of his friends learned fast that his little sister is much meaner than he is and packs a real punch!

          We’re fine now as adults, but I wouldn’t say we have a close relationship.

    7. NancyDrew*

      So I am the twin (identical) and we have one older sibling and one younger.

      Definitely some interesting dynamics, though the good news is we’re all very close (though I can’t deny my twin and I jump to each other’s defense if there’s ever a sibling spat in ways we don’t do for the other siblings!) And I do recall that, when our grandfather died and we were at the wake, so many of his friends literally walked right by my other siblings in order to exclaim “Oh! The twins! Your grandfather loved having twins!” It was like they were invisible.

      I saw someone comment that their twin siblings had to split a chore while they had to do a whole chore — but it worked the other way for us, in that if there were, say, 3 cookies left on the plate, my older sis would get one, my younger bro would get one, and we twins would have to split the remaining :)

      (Disclaimer: I absolutely love being a twin and I’m sure a tiny part of that is the fact that it’s seen as so special — since we’re identical and that wasn’t super common 40 years ago!)

    8. Stunt Apple Breeder*

      Older sib by 7 years here.

      In my case, the shift from being an only child and the only neice/granddaughter wasn’t overly distressing most of the time. I did get shoveled out of the way when the twins were the focus of an occasion, such as the baby shower when they were born.

      I spent a lot of time with my grandparents. They and I had a great relationship and were thrilled with the arrangement. It gave me some ‘special’ opportunities that my siblings and cousins didn’t get, such as flying unaccompanied as a minor and visits to national parks. When I got a little older, I noticed this special treatment was only directed at me and made me feel like my parents didn’t want me around (there are some complex family dynamics behind this).

      That said, I was so much older than my siblings that we never really clicked until I was in university and they were teens. I don’t remember any overt jealousy and even arguments between either of them and me were rare. I related more strongly with my parents’ younger sisters (who are 13-15 years older than me) while the twins associated more with their kids. This probably led to our relatively peaceful coexistence.

      Sorry that didn’t fully answer your question, so here is a gripe…I think I was most irritated that my youngest aunt was so excited about them being twins that she told someone their gender while talking on the phone when I was in the room. I had wanted to learn that from my parents! I complained about her to everyone for months.

    9. Manders*

      I have a friend who got pregnant with triplets when her baby was about a year old (and then her husband left her. It was a trying time). Now they are older teenagers, and the 4 of them, because they are so close in age, are all really good friends with each other. I think it helps that there are 2 boys and 2 girls.

      1. Yeah summer!*

        Oh my! Give your friend a big hug ( or high five). I can’t imagine how hard that must have been.
        I do feel like three is a difficult number. Weird feelings can come up a lot. But I’m not. Having another to even it out.

  4. Mitchell Hundred*

    I just finished reading Elizabeth Gaskell’s novel ‘North and South’, which I loved. Surprisingly I’d never heard of this book or the author before, but I’m glad to have come across it. It’s sort of a ‘Pride and Prejudice’ kind of story, except it was written and set in the mid-19th century and offers commentary on the class divisions brought about by the Industrial Revolution.

    1. Older sister*

      Have you read Middlemarch by George Eliot? I’m a big Austen fan, but Middlemarch is my #1 favoritest book ever. I reread it last year and it was still just as good the second time through.

      2. Mitchell Hundred*

        Yeah, I bought a copy of that, and Felix Holt the Radical, and Adam Bede at various used bookstores. Haven’t read any of them yet, though. My TBR pile does this weird thing where I try to make it smaller, except that only makes it bigger?

      3. Monkey, Bear and Mouse*

        Yes to Middlemarch :)
        The book is king but there is a really good bbc TV series of it from 1994, if you can get hold of it. I remember as a child basically falling in love with Will Ladislaw and his twinkly eyes….

    2. KatEnigma*

      Masterpiece did a nice adaptation of it, if you are interested. My husband introduced me to it.

      1. Katiekins*

        Richard Armitage is SO dreamy, but his character is such a jerk! I don’t think he really redeems himself for all his union busting.

    3. ElsieD*

      ‘Cranford’ is my favourite, less serious. The copy I have has black and white illustrations which adds to the period flavour.

        1. Monkey, Bear and Mouse*

          I loved Cranford.
          Recommendation: the audible audiobook of it, read tenderly by Prunella Scales (who played the wife in Fawlty Towers!) That was how I “read” it and it was a great experience. Scales is so intelligent, witty and respectful – it feels perfect for the quiet but sharp tone of Cranford.

      1. Inkhorn*

        Which was all I knew about her until North and South hit the small screen. Then it was like, “OMG! She wrote NOVELS!” *squee*

      2. Mitchell Hundred*

        Yes, my grandfather mentioned that when I told him about it. He also mentioned that she was married to a Unitarian minister (he hasn’t read any of her books, but he is a Unitarian, so he knows all the famous ones).

    5. UKDancer*

      North and South is wonderful, one of my favourite books. I love her take on the social changes of the industrial revolution and her understanding of the difficulties women faced in that time period. The romance is nice but it’s a good piece of social commentary. As someone who grew up in the north but live in the south, I found a lot of the discussion about the differences resonated with me when I first read it.

      I agree Richard Armitage is gorgeous but he wasn’t how I pictured John Thornton. I had someone more like Ciaran Hinds (from the 1995 Persuasion) in mind. Armitage is a bit too good looking. It was a really good adaptation though.

      1. Mitchell Hundred*

        Probably my favourite part of it is her descriptions of different places and of people’s emotions. It gave the story a really strong sense of place. Also, I have trouble making emotional connections to fictional characters, so being put in another person’s shoes like that was really refreshing.

        1. Nitpicker*

          My favorite Jane Austen adaptation (aside from Clueless which is a whole different thing).

        2. UKDancer*

          Mine too. He looks so good in those uniforms and has great legs. I also love the way they cast Anne. Amanda Root has such expressive eyes.

          It’s one of my favourites although I also love the 1995 Pride and Prejudice and the Emma Thompson Sense and Sensibility. I must say the 2021 Emma was also really good, great costumes and exceptional use of Bill Nighy.

    6. AvonLady Barksdale*

      Wives and Daughters is my favorite Gaskell. There was a terrific miniseries of it years ago– occasionally it shows up on Netflix.

      1. OxfordBlue*

        I watched that and thought it was brilliant. I went on to read the book as well as Cranford and love both of them for different reasons. I hadn’t realised it might be available to stream so thanks for the info.

    7. Imtheone*

      I love Gaskell! Known as Mrs. Gaskell. She met Charlotte Brontë—I believe Gaskell was already a successful author. Her other books are quite good: Mary Barton, Crawford, Cousin Phillis, Wives and Daughters.

    8. Katy*

      I love North and South! Have you read Wives and Daughters? It’s her masterpiece imo. Very different from North and South, but then all her books are different from each other.

    9. Monkey, Bear and Mouse*

      Oh I really enjoyed North and South. Yeah, I like the way you relate it to Pride and P, I hadn’t thought of that.

      1. Mitchell Hundred*

        Well, as I understand it Austen created the basic template for romance, so pretty much all subsequent writing in that genre is going to have some of her DNA.

    10. Mac (I Wish All The Floors Were Lava)*

      Oooh, I remember how much I loved discovering Gaskell after I’d run out of Austen! Here are a couple less-well-known women authors who scratch the same itch for me:

      Elizabeth von Arnim (she is just so sharp and funny, and many of her books are available on Project Gutenberg. My all-time faves are The Caravaners and The Enchanted April– which was also adapted into a delightful film.)

      Dorothy Whipple (a more recent writer, probably a contemporary of Agatha Christie, but in terms of her strengths and general vibe as a writer, she reminds me more of Austen. I’ve had trouble finding her books in the states except via interlibrary loan, but the publisher that has reprinted most of her works, Persephone Books, does have e-versions available.)

    11. Buni*

      Late to the game but if you like the Victorian Romance + socio-political commentary angle may I MASSIVELY recommend Charlotte Bronte’s “Shirley”. Same vein, but also the genuinely funniest of any Bronte book (sample chapter heading ‘XVIII Which the Genteel Reader is Recommended to Skip, Low Persons being here Introduced’).

  5. Medical Mystery Anon*

    Back in June I wrote about my frustrations of having so many things going haywire in my body, abnormal blood tests, and providers downplaying my symptoms or not acting with urgency. My health got even worse.

    I followed advice to get a second opinion, and, internet friends, I have been diagnosed with systemic lupus erythematosus. It is brutal. My doc started me on medication and aside from the not-fun side effects (hello insomnia and crazy lucid dreams), I am feeling SO MUCH BETTER. Lupus causes pain and organ damage, so getting a diagnosis and starting on medication is crucial. I am so grateful to have found her and to have a treatment plan.

    If you are in pain and it continues to worsen, always, always, always get a second opinion if the first provider dismisses you. Or a third. Or a fourth. Working with a doctor you trust is so important. Thank you to everyone who chimed in with their advice and support. Sending out internet hugs!

    1. NeonFireworks*

      On the one hand, lupus is rough and I’m really sorry to hear you’ve been grappling with it – but YAY for a diagnosis and treatment and a fantastic, considerate doctor! Everyone deserves that.

    2. Chronic issues*

      So glad you got a diagnosis and treatment, and I hope things continue to get better for you!
      I’m on doctor 13 in the last 20 years. I’ve had ONE who took my symptoms semi-seriously, but then an insurance change meant I couldn’t see her again and now she’s retired. And now that I’m 50+ and overweight from decades of chronic pain making exercise difficult, doctors not have age and weight to blame EVERYTHING on. So that’s fun.
      The health care system here (the US) is just not workable to have a long term dr/pt relationship and it incentivizes doctors to move you through quickly and without much depth.

    4. AGD*

      Oh my goodness! I applaud you on continuing to seek a true ally. I hope things continue to go well!

    5. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      So glad you’re getting the answers and treatment that you need. Great work advocating for yourself! : )

    6. Observer*

      I’m so glad that you got a diagnosis!

      Lupus is rough diagnosis, but being undiagnosed must make it 10X worse.

  6. Daily reader, rare commenter*

    What is your understanding of cultural appropriation? I’ve never asked a question here before, but am really keen to hear your views because of some comments to the letter from someone couple of days ago about a non-Chinese colleague who writes Chinese in birthday and sympathy cards sent by their office. There were some readers who deemed it cultural appropriation, which I personally think is extreme. For the record, I am not white, my first language is not English and is written in a non-Latin script.

    1. RagingADHD*

      My understanding is that there are several aspects to appropriation, or ways that something could potentially be appropriative. I may not get them all, but they would include things like:

      Using culturally significant or sacred symbols / items because they are interesting or pretty, without acknowledging its origin or context. Or giving lip service to the context while actively disrespecting the tradition behind it.

      Ripping off or profiting off of a cultural tradition or art form without returning any recognition or financial benefit to the community that created it.

      Using cultural or ethnic dress/hairstyles/mannerisms or art forms because they are “cool,” even though the actual members of that community have been persecuted or discriminated against for expressing their own traditional styles.

      There’s a tipping point where appropriative dress starts to blend into outright racist practices like using an ethnicity as a costume for laughs.

      I don’t think sharing in practices that are meant to be shared, like languages or food, is appropriative. And there are many ways to appreciate and enjoy all different aspects of other cultures that are respectful and that give credit (and payment) where it is due.

      1. BethDH*

        Clothing is always one that seems tricky to me. If you’re a white American invited to an Indian wedding where most attendees will be wearing Indian dress, is it appropriation to wear it yourself?
        I tend to think that it isn’t, and would see it as following a sort of dress code rather than wearing a costume. But I’ve never been in that situation and I don’t know for sure.

        1. Irish Teacher*

          I have never been in that situation either, but I think in that case, the best thing to do would be to ask the hosts?

            1. Beethoven, nooooo!*

              Right if you have been asked or invited to participate in an actual cultural tradition, it is not appropriation to do so authentically. It might be appropriative if you, like, used a photo of yourself in that wedding sari as your FB profile for the next decade because you thought it was “pretty” now it was completely divorced from the cultural context.

        2. londonedit*

          I live in a part of London with a big South Asian population and the norm is that white guests are invited to wear traditional dress at weddings. All the women get dressed up in their best sarees and shalwar kameez and it’s perfectly normal and acceptable and celebrated for white guests to also do that.

      2. Mewtwo*

        Agree. Also want to add that while it’s okay to partake in the shareable aspects of a culture, doing so doesn’t make you an “honorary member” of that culture or community. Just putting this out there because there are a worrying number of white people out there who think that because they love hip hop or Indian cultural traditions, or married someone from that community, they feel like “could be part of that community” or are an honorary member of the community. That’s not how it works. As a white person, you got to experience only the fun aspects of being in the community minus the systemic discrimination, microaggressions, barriers etc.

        Also, many communities carry internalized biases which white people benefit from as well. Indians LOVE it when white people express interest in their culture and wear saris and stuff, while criticizing dark-skinned people in their own community. A lot of white people don’t realize how privileged they are in having their options being allowed wherever they want while most marginalized people are limited in where they are accepted.

    2. A.N O’Nyme*

      I pretty much agree with RagingADHD. If you’re profiting off of sacred or cultural aspects of a culture that people who are actually from that culture would get punished for using, that’s appropriation. That letter from earlier this week…was not. It’s rude to write something you know people won’t understand without a translation, especially on a condolence card (though I would assume the birthday cards just have whatever the birthday greeting in Mandarin is and let that go). Now whether or not that was Orientalism kind of depends on more detail than we got in the letter so I’m not willing to jump to that either – it depends entirely on how the coworker speaks about China. It could just be that they’re proud of knowing a second language and having been outside the States, it could be a case of Orientalism.

      1. Madame Arcati*

        No I need to know what Orientalism is, please. It’s not something I’ve heard used irl (UK) or on the internet until just now.

        1. Squidhead*

          Someone will probably have a more nuanced definition, but I would say that Orientalism = fetishization of the culture (which probably elides multiple cultures, at that).

        2. curly sue*

          Orientalism is a term used in postcolonial studies. It was established by author Edward Said in his book of that name to describe the ways in which western culture has vilified and exotified eastern culture. He was mostly talking about the middle east (think any Sinbad movie, or harem fantasy) and north Africa, but use of the term has expanded.

          The opposite would be occidentalism, ftr – perceptions of western culture as presented in Eastern media.

        3. A.N. O'Nyme*

          curly sue is pretty much spot-on, though here I am indeed using it in a broader sense than Said originally intended. The distinction I’m making here is whether or not she’s actually fascinated by Chinese culture and willing to also learn about the bad bits, or if she’s fetishising it. I don’t know too much about China, but to use Japan as an example: is the person also willing to acknowledge all the shit Japan was up to (seriously if Pearl Harbor and comfort women already give you the creeps there’s definitely other stuff you don’t want to look up, even knowing some of it is probably exaggerated) or are they in it to fetishise Japanese culture, extoll the virtues of Bushido (which didn’t exist – at least not in the way we think of it now), the Shinsengumi, or Japanese sword fighting as superior to any Western styles (really there’s only so many ways to swing around a sharp stick)?

          Or, to use the tattoos below as an example: does the person go to a Chinese tattoo artist to have ‘lover of exotic beauty’ tattooed on them in Chinese (only for the tattoo artist to write ‘foreign pervert’ instead – yes, that actually happened. There’s also someone out there with a tattoo reading ‘made in China’, where I’m not sure if that’s a meta joke about the tattoo either by the person or the artist, or if the person was in fact conceived in China).

      2. Falling Diphthong*

        I appreciate the distinction between clothing that has a specific meaning, and within the culture is only worn by certain people at certain times to symbolize certain culturally important things, vs fashion and a general aesthetic.

        The line between cultural appropriation and cultural sharing can be hard to hit. I think scrutinizing things for cultural appropriation often gets into a molehill on a mountain situation, where “Does this count as cultural appropriation, or not” is getting all the oxygen when “This is hurtful” should be the lede. (If you and a grieving person share a language, you don’t express your condolences to them in a language you know they don’t understand.)

        1. Filosofickle*

          I gave thought to this when buying an African dress. I chose one that wasn’t in a style or pattern that is culturally meaningful (kente, dashiki). And I wear it without adding other obvious African style elements (head wrap, jewelry) so it’s just a dress and not a costume. I also made sure I was buying it from African / Black folks. This way I’m celebrating a culture and fashion while benefiting the community.

          1. Falling Diphthong*

            I bought African dresses when I lived in Africa and so that was the available clothing option. It would have been weird for someone to demand that I special order clothing from my home country rather than go to a shop in the local market.

    3. Ellis Bell*

      Using someone else’s culture as a funny toy or prop and therefore being patronising towards it and not showing the proper respect for it. I don’t think it applies everywhere in the world, but in western culture there’s a history of one set of people putting themselves on top of another by saying “my culture is important and normal, yours is a tourist gimmick I picked up while conquering an empire”. This is an easy thing to spot when the example is obviously patronising or ridiculing another culture. I think the young girl who wore a cheongsam to her prom and caused a stir on social media is an interesting example of people not being sure what the intention is. When I first heard that I thought “What, no, a prom dress is an important outfit; surely there is respect being shown to the dress by choosing it for something special” but then I saw one of the pictures where she was posed crouched with praying hands and I thought “Oh. No.” because that definitely did look play acting out someone’s culture in a very silly uninformed way. However it turned out to be a YouTube meme they were copying and not a cultural reference at all. It’s still thoughtless and offended people, because it looked like deliberately mocking someone’s culture.

    4. Irish Teacher*

      I am going to begin by saying that being Irish, I’m in a bit of an odd situation that may be biasing anything I say, in that my country is both a wealthy Western one that is generally privileged and also one that was colonised and experienced some of the same things as other colonies. So that is my perspective and may affect what I say.

      But my understanding is that it is taking something of significance to another culture and using it without bothering to understand the significance. The usual example I come across is Native American headdresses, which have to be earned, being worn by people who are not Native and have not earned them. I feel it is kinda like somebody who isn’t Catholic wearing a pretty rosary as a necklace, which is something that is just not done. If somebody who wasn’t Catholic wanted to use one as a prayer aid for their own prayers or had one that was gifted to them as a friend and kept it on display, that would be perfectly acceptable, but it is not meant to be worn as jewellery and using it in that way would be disrespectful (maybe not cultural appropriation exactly as I’m not sure there is one “Catholic culture,” but it’s just an example I am fully familiar with and don’t want to risk using an example from a culture I am not fully familiar with and misrepresenting its significance).

      I also think that once somebody starts doing the “well, ACTUALLY…” to people OF the culture, they are heading close to cultural appropriation. Using something from a culture and lecturing people FROM that culture on what it REALLY means and why it IS OK for you to use it really and they just don’t fully understand their own culture…is usually problematic.

      I agree with those who have said that simply using things from another culture is not cultural appropriation. Playing a sport invented by another culture, eating foods imported from another country, etc are not usually problematic.

      1. Westsidestory*

        Clothing and hair styles is where I get worried and a bit sad. Am I never to have cornrows? Can I dress as a geisha for Halloween? I live in a very diverse neighborhood; I admire the many imaginative hairstyles but pretty sure I’d get the side eye with knots or beaded braids.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          I occasionally get cornrows because it’s a protective (and low maintenance) hairstyle during busy times, vacations etc. I’m white, but I have highly textured hair that holds cornrows really well. I do my best to avoid it seeming like appropriation by skipping beads/decorations and doing just plain braids with my own hair and no extensions or anything, and wearing a hat or buff most of the time so they’re not flapping around on display (also helps make sure I don’t get stripey scalp sunburn). Basically I do it for practical reasons, not for fashion reasons, so I try to keep it as low-key and not flaunt-y as possible. I don’t know if that’s enough, but.

        2. RagingADHD*

          I am going to address this as if you are sincere, but your chosen examples are so extreme it is kind of hard to believe that you are.

          Perhaps you are not aware that historically, geishas were sold/coerced into servitude. It was not a career choice as it is today.

          Cornrows have major cultural significance for the descendants of enslaved people, as they were not only a traditional art form but a means of communication and organizing resistance.

          If you are white, the idea that you would be “sad” that it’s inappropriate to cosplay the trappings of slavery for Halloween is…

          Wow.

          I congratulate you. You couldn’t have chosen more perfect examples of wanting to use things for fun without understanding their meaning. Spot on.

          1. Beethoven, nooooo!*

            Right. Dressing up as an extremely complex and nuanced part of a culture that you have no connection to or appreciation of, for a silly Western Halloween tradition in which the most common costumes are fictional witches or ghosts is an extremely appropriative thing to do. Like, a prime example of it.

          2. AGD*

            I agree. In all cases, people should stop and first learn about the meanings of these things to the people whose cultures and histories they come from. Then think about it for a while. And ideally find an existing discussion or it, or (briefly, without demanding undue emotional labor) run it by people in the know first. Being curious, tolerant, and accepting is fantastic, but everyone needs to be careful before blithely borrowing stuff. Because if either the stuff in question is negative, or what it looks like when a probably white outsider borrows it is cringe-inducing, that’s not fair to the people from the culture.

            I am (ostensibly super-white, but) Jewish and I have been ignoring Madonna for decades ever since she hauled out a bunch of pretty darn scared prayer accessories and paraded them around – the lack of respect was deep and obvious. It’s much worse for BIPOC.

    5. fueled by coffee*

      A key part of this that often gets overlooked is also whether the cultural traditions that are being taken up by outsiders are *intended* to be shared (i.e., how the originating culture feels about outsiders adopting those elements). It’s not appropriation to wear a sari to an Indian wedding if you were invited by the hosts to wear a sari; it’s not appropriation to cook food from a different culture; it’s not appropriation to learn a language (barring a handful of indigenous cultures that treat their languages as sacred) and read books/watch tv/write poems in that language. Appropriation enters the equation when either (1) that cultural tradition is NOT intended to be shared with outsiders or (2) outsiders are claiming that their representation of a (usually marginalized) culture’s tradition is somehow more “authentic” or “better” than the original, usually to profit off of it.

      As an example: I’m Jewish. I celebrate Passover every year. Sometimes I invite non-Jews to join my Passover Seder — and it’s not appropriation for them to take me up on that offer! I am inviting them to participate in a cultural celebration. They are welcome to eat the food and sing the songs and celebrate with us.

      Meanwhile, there’s been a recent(?) tradition of some Christian groups trying to “reclaim” Jewish traditions from the past, and they’ll host “Passover Seders” so they can have an “authentic” tradition like Jesus did — and to me, this is appropriation. We haven’t shared this with you; Jesus most assuredly did NOT celebrate Passover the way contemporary American Jews do; and given the power differential between Christianity and Judaism in the US today, this comes across as a very appropriative practice.

      1. fueled by coffee*

        Double-commenting because I have a lot of opinions on this, but I also think the claims of appropriation from the original letter might also have come about because a classic example of appropriation are people who get tattoos written in (usually Asian) languages they don’t speak, that they think mean “peace” and “harmony” but turn out to really mean, like, “snail” and “cabbage.”

        The tattoo case is an example of people using Chinese (or another language’s) script purely for aesthetic purposes, without regard for the culture behind it. Writing in a language you can actually read isn’t appropriation, just annoying-to-rude to your colleagues who can’t understand it.

        1. KoiFeeder*

          To be fair, I would totally get snail as a tattoo unironically… just probably as an image, not a word.

        2. Ellis Bell*

          I felt like that colleague was in a strange middle ground actually, because it was good that she understood the Chinese characters she was using, and presumably had respect for the meanings; but using them in contexts where they couldn’t be understood implied they should be used just for aesthetically pleasing effect. It was a head scratcher, actually.

      2. Jay*

        Thank you for so clearly articulating why I am uncomfortable with those Christian “seders.” I’m Jewish, often invite non-Jewish friends to Seder and sometimes also to synagogue – we certainly had non-Jewish friends and family at our daughter’s bat mitzvah. None of that is appropriation. Holding a seder in a Christian church led by someone who is not Jewish and with a very different focus – that’s appropriation.

      3. Falling Diphthong*

        There’s a scene in Top Chef where the judge explains that because he grew up in LA he knows REAL Mexican food, and the chef in question responds that he is Mexican and grew up cooking in Mexico, and so feels confident that he is versed in Mexican food.

        1. Filosofickle*

          Just watched that episode (assuming that hasn’t happened twice) and was gobsmacked by that bit. It was Roy Choi talking to Carlos on S11

      4. Reba*

        There is a really good episode of the Sporkful podcast about this “gentile seder” thing! Titled “Other People’s Holidays,” they also discuss Chinese New Year parties.

    6. Lilo*

      .It’s interesting because I’ve also heard of cooking food from not your culture. My brother is not Indian but he single handedly turned around a failing Indian carryout diner (mostly by offering lunch specials and improving the quality of the food). There’s a strong reality that the industry just hires line cooks. I guess it’s technically profiting off of another culture (my brother didn’t own the restaurant, he just got paid for his hours) but that’s one instance I can’t get as upset about. Especially since food culture has a history of cultural mishmash.

      2. Falling Diphthong*

        I will go to the mat on food. Eating food you like, cooking food you like. I delight in consuming dumplings from across the world. Also cookies. (One of the most egregious examples here was the intern who berated a woman for making tamales for the potluck, and on being informed that she was Ecuadoran pointed out that she didn’t LOOK Hispanic, which is the bar for whether or not you are allowed to cook tamales.)

        Bad food appropriation example is the white people who opened a “clean food” Chinese restaurant where you could have all those old Chinese takeout favorites but now they were “clean.” I totally got the “what the actual f?” vibe as people did double-takes.

        1. Lilo*

          I’m also from a funny family in that white grandparents lived in South America for a while so I grew up with a family that makes arepas, for instance.

        2. fueled by coffee*

          The thing with food is that there’s multiple sets of distinctions: (1) cooking for your own enjoyment vs. to make a profit, (2) claiming some kind of “authenticity” vs. just selling food, and (3) the power dynamics that are at play, which is very tied up in why “clean Chinese food” feels so icky.

          Some examples:
          -I’m Jewish and am completely unbothered by non-Jews opening up, say, bagel shops and delis. I probably wouldn’t bat an eye at a non-Jew saying “As a New Yorker I’ve grown up around deli food, and this is real authentic New York pastrami on rye” or whatever. The power dynamics at play with respect to antisemitism are religious in nature and just generally don’t apply to food. There’s also no symbolic significance of bagels or whatever to Jewish culture, it’s just food that tastes good!
          -In contrast, the “Aloha Poke” restaurant chain tried to trademark their name and sent out cease and desist letters to many native Hawaiian-owned poke restaurants asking them to remove the words “aloha” and “poke” from their brand names — the power dynamics involved here come across as very appropriative! The issue, crucially, is not that Aloha Poke serves Hawaiian food — it’s that they’re trying to use their power to out-compete marginalized businesses run by people from the culture that the food originates from.

          The issue isn’t serving food or even having a restaurant; it’s how that interfaces with power dynamics between different cultures.

          1. Lilo*

            There’s also some interesting stereotypes at play. There’s an excellent documentary called “In Search of General Tso” that talks about Americanized “Chinese” food and why Chinese restaurants were so common.

            You can also raise some other interesting questions. For instance you think of Indian food you might think of Chicken Tikka Masala. However that particular dish is generally credited with originating in Glasgow.

            Or here in the US we associate corned beef and cabbage with Ireland, but my Irish grandad always pointed out that association actually arose because that’s what Irish immigrants were often served in Boston and New York, it’s not Irish (though you might see the effect, like you see in “Chinese” restaurants in China that cater to.tourists, where it gets loaned back again).

            1. Imtheone*

              I’ve read that the small hams that people knew in Ireland were not available in New York or Boston, but the nearby Jewish delis had a similar-looking preserved meat (corned beef brisket). So the Irish adapted and started preparing the corned beef.

    7. CatPerson*

      I think that cultural appropriation is off the mark. I call it virtue signaling. Clearly the card-writer wanted to be asked about her message (since the readers have no chance to understand it) and be given an opportunity to brag about her expertise in Chinese.

          1. AGD*

            I’m not. Truly respecting each other’s cultures requires listening to each other and not making people feel dismissed by borrowing whatever you want without the context…especially if it’s something from a minority culture and people from it are actively mistreated or denied opportunities for using it (see Black English, or Black hairstyles, in the United States).

    8. Mewtwo*

      I’m South Asian-American FTR.

      To me, “cultural appropriation” itself is neutral – neither good nor bad. But obviously, it can occur in bad forms with nefarious purposes. Other times, it’s benign.

      There is an annoying trend where engaging in certain cultural activities seems to be stigmatized up until white people partake in them, and then suddenly is cool and trendy, but that doesn’t always make it wrong for white people to do them. It’s just an annoying double standard.

      I will always be salty over the fact that I got made fun of for “smelling like curry” growing up and being told my school lunches looked “gross”, but it got de stigmatized as soon as white people wisened up to the fact that curry is, in fact delicious, and started cooking their own mediocre versions. On one hand, I’m glad it’s destigmatized – however it took to get there – and that Indian owned businesses are being patronized – but racism is annoying.

      1. Mewtwo*

        To be clear, in case I didn’t make it so in my original comment, adopting different cultural cuisines is appropriation but a benign one. The double standard is a separate issue on its own. I generally think it’s a good thing to discover other cuisines.

  7. Volunteer Burnout*

    Ever feel vindicated?

    I wrote here for advice back in May about volunteering in a group where someone was really difficult, and the lead mostly dismissed my concerns. Thankfully she respected my boundary where I refused to interact with this person, and life returned to chaotic normal.

    This past week the abrasive volunteer managed to cause enough problems with a partner (who helps the charity out in a critical way) that the partner called the lead to complain. I heard about it indirectly, and won’t plan to bring it up with the lead, but I feel VINDICATED!! The best part is that I can laugh about it today, and I’ll have mostly forgotten about it tomorrow. She isn’t worth my time or mental space.

    Thanks to all who provided advice and support. It is such a relief to be on this side of the problem!

    I would love to hear other stories of vindication, for anyone who wants to share.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      You sound so much better. I am glad things changed for you.

      I had a situation where an outsider said X. I said NOT X and of course I knew what I was talking about. Leader went along with the outsider. sigh. Finally leader sat down to look things over, realized I was correct and the leader handled what needed to be handled. It took close to a month and a half for all this to play out -long ride. However, I am pleased that leader did not make me clean up the mess that followed and the leader put things back as they should be. All is well now.

    2. Irish Teacher*

      This one is kinda silly, but my immediate thought was “hah, I feel vindicated.” Mostly in a joking way.

      I really HATE having my blood pressure checked and often find it quite unpleasant and whenever I mentioned it, people were like “what? It doesn’t hurt.” Then, the last time I had it done, the nurse stared and said, “there are red marks all down your arm.” And I was just thinking, “see! It’s NOT just me making a drama over it. It actually does have some kind of affect on me that it doesn’t seem to on others.”

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        Dental X-rays. One reason I love my current dentist is that the first time I needed X-rays, the assistant started to put in the bite wings and said ‘Oh gosh, you’ve got bumps in your upper and lower palate that are going to make this painful. I’m so sorry.’ Apparently the lower is pretty common and the upper 10% (or maybe vice versa)?

        Every previous dental person didn’t say a word, and I wondered why this wasn’t renowned as a painful experience.

      2. Imtheone*

        I think the automatic blood pressure machines squeeze too hard, at least for some people. I find them very painful. My home machine, also automatic, is fine.

      3. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Tell me about it! It generally hurts a lot for me too (sometimes less if they use a larger cuff), and thus shoots my blood pressure up, but if I say anything, they think I’m a drama llama. Now I just accept that sometimes, I’ll fail blood pressure, even taking meds.

        1. Irish Teacher*

          Yup, and knowing that makes me nervous when I go in because I know it’s unlikely to be accurate and I start thinking “I can’t get worried. I must be calm” and that of course, makes it more likely to go up. So what is my blood pressure? Who knows?

        2. Move it move it*

          I once had to take a blood pressure test and decided it would be a good idea to read my email while I was in the waiting room. I opened an email from my accountant saying that something a client had done would cost me over $50,000 more in taxes for the previous year. As I was reading, a health tech called my name to go in. “I think I’m going to need to redo my blood pressure test another time,” I said. (It turned out the client had made a mistake and I didn’t have to pay more taxes and, yes, my blood pressure was higher than usual on that test.)

      4. allathian*

        I’m fat, and I have cellulite on my upper arms. I absolutely refuse to have my blood pressure taken on bare skin, because although it doesn’t leave any marks, it hurts like hell. Pain gets your BP spiking like nothing else will.

    3. Macaroni Penguin*

      A decision maker decided to Change How Things Were Done
      I warned them that The Change Would Not Go Well. I believed this so strongly that I left the project.
      Now two years later, things have Seriously Not Gone Well. The decision maker is not making their goals at all. Things are running along at half capacity, maybe.
      It’s like a having a Greek comedy/tragedy play out. I’m just eating popcorn and watching the fire grow. Vindicated!

    4. Jay*

      I’m a doc. Early in my career, I was chastised and nearly fired due to a complaint by a nurse because I refused (politely) to take on someone else’s work and since she could see that I was caught up, she thought I should have done that. I subsequently moved out of state for my husband’s job. Six months later, the nurse followed the letter of a policy about messages and thus failed to prioritize a message to a cardiologist about a patient having chest pain. The cardiologist (also a woman) hit the ceiling. The nurse complained about the cardiologist’s behavior. The nurse was, um, reassigned, and I had four message that evening from different people in the group to tell me about it. Plus an apology from the chief of the department, because he was a class act.

    5. Katie*

      I applied for an internal job once that had two components. I had lots of experience in A but little in B. They turned me down with even talking to me. Hired someone who was strong in B but had none in mine. Three months later that person quit. About a year later because all the issues they were having in A they split the work into 2 (and even moved A under different management because the leaders there did so bad) and hired me. The person they have for B has to come to me a lot because they need help.

    6. KoiFeeder*

      Just this week, at the blood draw labs!

      I bring a plush toy with me as my buddy because I hate the needles, and there was a small child there who was both utterly terrified and going before me. I loaned my buddy out to them, the mom confided to me that this was the first time the child had been able to get blood drawn without biting and scratching the phlebotomist, and I feel very pleased with myself.

      People have been giving me crap about my buddy since I was in lower school, and honestly at this point in my life I probably could do this without my buddy… but why would I want to?

      1. Imtheone*

        Great thing to do! I used to have special toys for my daughter to help her through her many doctor visits and tests. I like the idea of a plushy buddy for adults too!

      2. Bluebell*

        I’m glad that the plush buddy works for you. I always have better experiences with female phlebotomists. the last two times I had a male phlebotomist, I tried to be open minded. But both times, he wasn’t that great. If he’s there next time, I plan to ask to wait.

      3. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Aw, that’s so sweet that you could help the kid have a better experience!

      4. Monkey, Bear and Mouse*

        I’ve several buddies. I mean, they don’t all come at once but they’re all on call :)

      5. allathian*

        Aww, that’s so sweet! I hope the kid gets their own plush toy buddy for the next time they need a blood test.

    7. Texan In Exile*

      In 2019, my company was acquired and we got a new CEO. New CEO brought in his own (GE) people. I got a new VP who, for the rest of the year,

      * barely talked to me,
      * gave me no objectives or feedback,
      * asked me only once about the work I did and why it mattered and what should my goals be,
      * ran horrible meetings (why were we meeting? what was the agenda? WHO KNOWS?),
      * told me she wasn’t my boss but didn’t tell me who my boss was, then said she guessed she was my boss, then moved me to reporting to someone I had helped hire and train (that someone had no management experience),
      * and then finally “eliminated my position” at the end of 2019.

      A few months ago, three of my friends who are still with the company and three friends who quit because of this VP (one of them didn’t even have a new job lined up) texted me excitedly to tell me that the VP HAD BEEN FIRED IN DISGRACE.

      If I ever run into her again, I will tell her that she is an awful leader (she thought she should be on the “40 Under 40” lists) who can’t even run a meeting, much less lead a team.

      1. Pentapus*

        Wow, until you mentioned the gender/age of the vp I could have sworn it was my company. I’m sorry to hear that there are other ex-GE people bringing in their cronies and wreaking havoc. My CEO was recently fired. I’m not sure it’s vindication, but it’s nice to have him gone.

    8. Elle Woods*

      I’m glad things have changed for you.

      A relative, who has never really had to deal with the consequences of their actions, ran a side hustle for a few years. They’d ghostwrite blog posts, marketing materials, email newsletters, website copy, etc. and took in more than $2K/month in income. I encouraged them very early on to report the income to the IRS as it was taxable. They didn’t do that. Eventually, they got caught and faced all kinds of trouble–huge tax bill, penalties, etc. It was nice to see there finally be consequences for their actions.

    9. merp*

      probably the most satisfying one for me was back in grad school. I had written the first draft of the final paper, and my professor had mentioned an upcoming call for papers that it would be relevant to, so I planned to submit it to that. well, she absolutely tore apart my first draft – 200-something comments, some of them outright mean and unhelpful (things like “????” or rude comments) – to the point that I cried when I tried to read through them the first few times. heard similar things from my classmates as well.

      but I wanted to publish it, so I asked her for the call for papers info. when she replied, it was this kind of snotty “well I don’t really think your paper’s up to snuff but here’s the info” – which made me mad because a) she had only seen the first draft, obviously I would be editing it, and b) the call for papers only required submitting an abstract!

      anyway, sent in the abstract, got a 96 on the final draft in the class, and got published. I always wondered if she realized she came off so negatively when as a professor, you’d think she might be invested in her students’ success… but happily I have never interacted with her again, and don’t plan to. I do kind of hope she ran across my paper when it was published, though.

      1. AGD*

        Am professor, and am cheering you on! Grad school is already brutal – we need to celebrate our students and connect them with opportunities, not discourage them. Preparing grad students for journal reviewers is one thing, but reviewers don’t have the right to be mean-spirited (or vague) either – and they don’t have the power over a given scholar that we do with any supervisee.

    10. Bluebell*

      I dragged my feet on getting my cholesterol checked when I got a new cardiologist. I knew it was fine, and managed to stretch it out for several years. When I finally had it done, the note from the cardiologist included “ your cholesterol is excellent.”

    11. Anon for this*

      Going anon for this since this is very identifying.
      My position was eliminated by an absolute dolt of a CEO who literally had his head down reading a script to tell me this. Not too long after he was fired for (very good) cause.
      It was the fasted, most epic, corporate payback I’ve ever seen.

    12. NeutralJanet*

      I like to refer to “vindicatred”, which is when you get a bad feeling about someone for no specific reason that you can identify and then they do something actually objectionable–you get to have you hatred vindicated!

      1. Irish Teacher*

        Oh, that reminds me of when I worked retail and this new guy was hired and I just had a bad feeling about him. I once nearly walked out of the stockroom when I went in and he was in there too because I didn’t feel safe alone with him, though I couldn’t say why. I later found out he had been harrassing an 18 year old coworker and as he was still in his probationary period, he got fired for it.

    13. Sabine the Very Mean*

      Not me but my best friend. Worked as a manager at the biggest name brand paint store in the US. She was at the counter and her male employee was in the back mixing paint when a customer came in. He asked to speak to the guy in the back. She said he was busy at the moment and what could she help the customer with instead. He said, no thanks little lady, I’ll wait for male employee. She shrugs and guy waits 10 mins for male employee to finish. Customer asks male employee a question he can’t answer and says, “well that would be a question for my boss Jane here”. Gold.

    14. Resolutely Rach*

      Really glad to hear that, Volunteer Burnout. I had wondered how you had got on.

      I will always remember my mum’s advice when I had a flatmate within a large house-share at uni who was awful. Kept stealing my food, and being unpleasant directly (but only) to me. Sweet as pie with the others. My mum told me to wait – eventually they would forget/act up and ‘extend’ the behaviour out. And lo and behold, ..! I also felt vindicated.

    15. Observer*

      This past week the abrasive volunteer managed to cause enough problems with a partner (who helps the charity out in a critical way) that the partner called the lead to complain.

      Yeah, you can’t even *suggest* that critical partners prioritize the “feelings” of problematic people over the partner’s need, can you?

      Vindication, indeed!

  8. 529*

    What is the best way to find out accurate information about using a 529 set up in one state by a relative for use at a school in another state? The information on the website for the 529 in the state where it was set up had incorrect information on it (as in, directly contradicting what was on irs.gov as acceptable educational expenses). Thanks for any advice!

    1. California Dreamin’*

      Hmm, as far as I know, you can use the 529 money anywhere. We live in California and our kids’ 529plans are here. My oldest child went to school in New York. We just took withdrawals each year… I think they just transferred the money to our bank account and we used it for tuition. I don’t remember having them send it to the university, but if we did, the location of the school didn’t factor in. Or are you asking how the funds can be used?

    2. overeducated*

      It it a 529 investment plan or tuition prepay for a state school system? If investment it is portable. The state it’s set up in only matters as far as the state tax benefits it may offer to contributors, it can pay for school in any state. I’m not sure prepaid plans are portable at all, if that is what you have you should call the plan administrator to ask about your options.

      1. Jay*

        Right. We live in PA. My kid’s 529 was set up by my parent in NY and paid for her college in CA – no problem. State-system prepay plans are different, which is one of the reasons we didn’t do that.

    3. Esmeralda*

      We live in North Carolina, started Ohio’s 529 (at the time, better set up than NC’s), our son attended college in Illinois. Makes not a bit of difference. We found the 529 plan employees to be very helpful in figuring out what was covered. Call them up and ask.

      For instance, our son’s rent and food costs (when hd moved off campus) were covered to the amount charged by the school for room and board. We also were able to purchase supplies and a computer he needed for his current internship right before he graduated.

  10. Olive Green*

    Seeking advice, perspective, and/or encouragement (tell me your happy-ending stories!).

    I’m a woman in her mid-30s hoping to find a relationship that will eventually lead to marriage, but it’s been hard. I’m going through a breakup right now with someone I had an unusually strong connection with, and I know that colors my thinking, but it’s been a struggle for a while. Basically, it’s hard for me to find someone who I find interesting enough, whose company is enough of a joy to me, that I’d want to commit long-term… and the few times I have found that, the guy wasn’t willing or able to commit to me. (One of these was a ~5ish year relationship, we lived together, but ultimately he decided it wasn’t right.)

    I’ve had a couple 1-year relationships with guys who were fully committed to me, great boyfriends in a lot of ways, but I just didn’t enjoy their company enough to see a future together. It’s hard to describe, but an intellectual connection is really important to me, which those relationships lacked, and we also didn’t have a shared sense of humor, and they never were the person I wanted to go to for advice, to talk things over, etc., because we just couldn’t relate well enough. (And I know you can’t have everything in a partner, but I feel like these are really important aspects of partnership!)

    I do worry I’m being too picky, but having had relationships with guys who I did connect to in that way, I can’t imagine committing to something less.

    How do people figure this out?! I’ve learned a lot through trial and error, yet at the same time, I feel like I’m stumbling around, clueless, in the dark!

    1. Sheeplike but Not Sheepish*

      No advice for you, but commiseration and some hope! I could have written your post. Felt I’d never find anyone, kissed a lot of frogs, had a lot of guys who wouldn’t commit, and had a long-time intense relationship break up and break my heart. But at 35 I met my now-husband! We are still going strong 27 years later. Hang in there.

    2. RagingADHD*

      I totally agree that enjoying someone’s company, sharing humor, and respecting their judgment / character enough to ask their advice are all essential for a happy lifelong partnership! I don’t think that’s too picky at all. It sounds like the bare minimum.

      I didn’t meet my husband until I was in my 30s, and we didn’t connect romantically for a while. We got engaged about 6 months after our first date, and married about 6 months after that. Happily married for 19 years, 2 kids.

      Prior to him, I had had a few uphill-slog relationships of a year and a half to 2 years or so, and a bunch of short-term dating situations that lasted anywhere from a week to like, 3 months but never really had “legs.” Then I just decided to be single for a while. Bought a home. Made long-term plans for career, retirement, etc. Lived my life.

      I met him through an arts project, where he showed up to do a favor for a friend. That project brought me into a social circle where we kept running into each other. He was in my orbit but not on my radar, if you know what I mean.

      Eventually he asked me out, and it all started falling into place. Lots of laughing. Lots of romance. Lots of good long, deep talks.

      Neither of us are perfect, so of course there have been conflicts, but we had such a meeting of the minds and mutual understanding that we can always talk it out. I knew marriage was the right step when I realized that he made my life better in every respect, and I made his better, too. And it wasn’t a “rescue” situation. Both of our lives were just fine already, but together they were better.

      I can’t make any magical promises that there’s someone out there who is just right for you. But I absolutely believe you have the right priorities, and if I couldn’t find a relationship that met those very reasonable, sensible needs, then I would be much happier being single.

      Let me rephrase that. I *was* much happier being single than in any other relationship that didn’t meet those needs.

      Best wishes for your current and future happiness!

    3. Chris too*

      My mum was in her late 30’s, back in the late 1950’s. She was quite adventurous and loved travelling, and wasn’t particularly looking for a relationship.

      She moved into a new apartment that she was thrilled with – and then the building inspectors turned up to sign off on the new build and determined her apartment was actually illegal and she’d have to vacate immediately. She called her best friend in a panic and her friend said hey, I met a fellow who’s new to the city the other day at a church thing. I don’t think he’s got a job yet, I bet he could help us move you out today!

      They were happily married for 46 years.

      You aren’t being too fussy. Best of luck, you never know where you might meet the right person.

    4. PollyQ*

      This is the exact question that just went up on WaPo to Carolyn Hax (link to follow), which was adapted from a previous online chat. One of the reader’s responses that really struck a chord with me was “Dump early, dump often.” Speaking as someone who’s been single most of her life, but has watched many friends’ and relatives’ relationships come & go, I doubt you’re being too picky. I’ve seen many more people make compromises that it turned out they couldn’t live with.

      So, if you can hone your sense of “Nah, this guy isn’t for me” and make a decision much earlier in the relationship, I think that’ll help you sort the wheat from the chaff and quit burning so many years of your life.

      2. kiki*

        Yes! I think society puts a lot of judgment on women who don’t find a long-term partner until later in life, but the people I know who struggle the most are the ones who compromised too much and settled early. Some people luck out and meet the person they want to spend the rest of their life with early, but it really is mostly luck. Seriously, ask most happily married people how they met and it’s very rarely, “I had an organized campaign to find a man within 1 year.” So often the story is about meeting at work, being behind each other in the grocery store, having a mutual friend, etc. Keep yourself open to possibilities, don’t bog yourself down with folks you know aren’t right for you, and live a life full of love with or without a partner.

        1. Rose*

          So much judgement on women who don’t find a partner til later in life – or at all. I am now pushing 50, still single. And shockingly, MUCH happier than I was in my 30s when I was in desperate pursuit of “the one.” The person I was probably closest to marrying thankfully pulled the plug – I would have married him, despite knowing in my gut he was not right, just to be married (not that I would have admitted that to anyone, including myself, at the time). I am at the age where many, many people my age have been divorced and/or struggled in marriages – some of whom I know were like me, and got married because it was expected/the right time – not because it was the right person. So so glad to avoided that fate. I have learned I can be by myself, and be happy… at this point if I meet someone, it will just be icing on the cake, not a need.

    5. ghost_cat*

      For me – travelling together was a very strong way to work out whether we were a good match. In my opinion, travel shows a lot about a person – their interests, how informed they are but also how open they are to other ideas, how independent they like being, how they engage with others from a range of backgrounds, how they treat animals, how they cope with an unexpected change in plans, their sense of humour etc. Not that I recommend it for everyone, but we spent 7 weeks overlanding in Africa, with each night in a tent. It very much highlighted to me our strengths, our differences, what would have been deal-breakers and also, how we resolved any differences of view.

      1. overeducated*

        This is good advice. My thinking is that if you’ve had the kind of connection you’re looking for and you know enough to recognize whether it is or isn’t there, you can trust yourself to move on quickly when it isn’t instead of giving someone a lengthy chance. Trust and making someone the person you want to confide in does take time to build, but I think intellectual connection should click early.

        OP I don’t think you’re too picky. You have a standard. I think meeting the right person at the right time is heavily a matter of luck and I hope yours hits soon!

        1. Overeducated*

          This was a nesting fail, it was supposed to go under “dump early and often.” Sorry.

      2. Generic Name*

        My husband took me camping with a group of people for our 5th date. He admitted later that it absolutely was a test, and he figured if it didn’t work out the worst that would happen was a really awkward drive home in the middle of the night. Lol

    6. Anonosaurus*

      I don’t think you are being too picky. What each of us needs from a relationship is different, but like you, I can’t imagine being with someone with whom I didn’t have that intellectual rapport. Conversation and learning new things from a person and having a shared vibe of intellectual curiosity and humor are absolutely vital to me.

      Obviously no relationship is 100% but it’s really important to identify what matters to you most and what you can compromise on. I’m not sure there is any way to do this other than what you have been doing – trial and error. I do wonder if you have given some of these relationships more time than they really deserved because you doubted your own right to have preferences? If so you might consider moving Mr Wrong on on a bit sooner and honouring your preferences and needs? I may be way off base here. It’s not easy especially when someone is a good person and would tick so many boxes but just can’t offer the deep connection you really crave.

    7. Ellis Bell*

      When I met my fiance, I was following advice from a marriage counselor who in a previous life had been a matchmaker in business with his wife. His advice was basically to go on a date with 30 people, because that’s how many people their clients tended to need to meet when their standards were good. He said it could happen at number 5, 10 or 15 but only one person needed to meet more than 30 and she married no 31! There was something very soothing about this number because five bad dates feel awful unless you know you’ve not even scratched the surface of your candidate pool yet. His other advice was to dump and move on “unless they knock your socks off”. I had just gotten divorced, and my friend had a broken engagement so we both gave it a whirl and tried to go on as many dates as possible. I wish I had done online dating earlier because I felt being able to spell out my preferences before meeting really sorted out a lot of miscommunication and cleared things up before I even got up off the couch. An old university crush felt emboldened to ask her out because she was really open about getting out there and getting her 30 dates. She ended up marrying him (number 15) and he is the favourite of my friends husbands. I was made sockless by my very first date and we’re getting married next year after 9 years together.

      1. I’m not sure about this, but*

        I was getting divorced from my first husband and had this thought. I’d date 20 men and then find the one. Instead I found the one first. Together over 35 years. You just never know.

      2. Imtheone*

        My friend did something like this. She was recently divorced and was told she had to date at least X people. Number 6 was a winner, and they’ve been together longer than any of her previous relationships l

      3. Emma*

        Second this. My now husband didn’t have a great online dating profile and only made it through because I was giving everyone a chance!
        He’s not a good writer, but once we started talking on the phone/meeting in person, the connection was pretty immediate.

    8. A.N O’Nyme*

      I know several elderly ladies who are very confused about the current practice of dating already being pretty exclusive. In their day, you went on dates with multiple guys until one asked you to go steady and you accepted. And the ones who were dating during wartime basically dated multiple guys and married the one who didn’t come back in a box.

      1. A.N O’Nyme*

        (Hit submit too soon) My point is, don’t be afraid to go on multiple dates and see which one you work best with. In my opinion there’s nothing like being too picky when it comes to selecting a life partner – sure, you’ll have to make some compromises, but too many and you’re setting yourself up for a lifetime of unhappiness.

      2. Ellis Bell*

        I think you’re dead on here. We have more freedoms nowadays but an odd one we seem to have given up is dating around. The friend and I above got a lot of strange judgement in some quarters that if we were going to be dating around, that meant disrespect to the men we’d already met, or promiscuity or whatever. We’re allowed to shop around! If you don’t: you end up “making it work” or “am I being too picky” with a guy simply because he’s nice and acceptable enough to not be outright dismissed but not up to the same standard of your bestie when it comes to fun and conversation.

      3. RagingADHD*

        Even in the 90s (so, not elderly) it was common to date several people casually, and while there were certainly plenty of 1-night-stands and casual sex going on, there was a social aspect to dating that didn’t automatically presume immediate sexual involvement as a matter of course.

        There wasn’t this pressure / perception that every connection has to be either a hookup or a friendzone on Day 1. You would just…date people until someone indicated they wanted to get serious / exclusive.

      4. Angstrom*

        That’s what my father described — if you wanted to go dancing, you asked out someone you knew who was a good dancer. If you wanted to go to a museum, you asked someone who liked art. A date was someone you’d enjoy being with for that occasion, and dating several different people was normal. Going steady was a big step.

      5. Generic Name*

        Yeah, it’s super weird that dating several people at once is seen as “slutty” but it’s also not unusual for people to expect a date to turn sexual almost from date one. Like, what? The week I met my husband I had five first dates (no, I did not sleep with any of them….). That was too many, and I resolved to never do that again. :) I went on a couple of dates with one of them and then my husband asked me on a second date and after date number two, I was hooked.

        1. Jean (just Jean)*

          >it’s also not unusual for people to expect a date to turn sexual almost from date one.
          Say what? Do people really expect this? What happened to the concept of getting to know each other first before intimacy (or the illusion thereof) makes everything more complicated?
          Maybe I’ll post this next week as its own question.

          1. newname*

            From what I can tell, dating apps have pretty much ruined that concept. People think that by texting back and forth a few times they are getting to know each other and can proceed straight to sex from there.

          2. Generic Name*

            Yeah, maybe I should have clarified that it seems to be an expectation when one is online dating. I had dates with men who seemed to think that meeting on a site that “matched you” meant you basically skipped the “getting to know you” stage of dating, or else they would “interrogate by text” even before a first meeting and ask inappropriately personal questions. I think this doesn’t happen too much when meeting people in real life, but online dating is what I’ve done most recently.

          3. RagingADHD*

            Online dating and hookup culture have made the dating scene very weird and stressful for The Youngs. Every time I read anything by later millennials and Gen Z about dating – even when they’re content with it – I get so worried for them. It’s this strange combination of superficiality and instant intensity.

            At least back in the day, someone who was picking up a stranger for casual sex knew that this was an entirely different activity with different criteria and goals than looking for a relationship partner. Sometimes it did lead to a relationship, but not very likely.

            Now the expectations of those two things are merged together, and nobody seems to be happy with it.

      6. allathian*

        Yeah this. That said, casual dating is not for everyone, it certainly isn’t for me. I need to see if things are going anywhere with one person before I can express any interest in anyone else.

        I met my husband when I was 33, my best friend’s husband’s coworker was my husband’s friend. Both of us were the perpetual singles in our respective friend groups, and neither was into casual dating. We exchanged a few emails with photos, then a text and a call or two, and then we went on a date. By the end of that date both of us knew that we wanted to see each other again. We were exclusive from the start by default, because neither was going on dates with anyone else at the time. He was working in another city at the time, and it was two weeks before we went on another date, and by the end of that I we were serious about the relationship. We texted every morning and talked on the phone almost every day, and by the time we’d been dating for six months I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. About 3.5 years after we met he got a transfer to our current hometown and we moved in together. A few months later we started trying, I got pregnant pretty quickly, and we got married when I was 8 months pregnant.

        My husband’s not only my intimate partner, but he’s also my best friend and confidant. I honestly don’t know what I’d do if I lost him, because after knowing the kind of mental and physical intimacy that I have with my husband, I don’t think I could settle for anything less. My husband and I have been together for nearly 17 years, married for 13.

        Before I met him, I didn’t have a lot of dating experience, just one serious relationship when I was in my early 20s, a few casual dates that never went anywhere and a few FWBs that always ended badly because either I or the guy wanted more than the other person was willing to give.

    9. Madame Arcati*

      I didn’t meet Mr Arcati until I was 35 – we’ve now been together ten years and he has always treated me well and made me happy. Despite the name I’ve used we aren’t married and I’m maybe a bit :-/ about that if I’m honest but these things don’t always work out how you plan. I want to be with him more than I want the formalities of marriage. So my first tip would be, don’t get stressed about society’s plans or rules or expectations – what matters is, are you happy and is he/she?
      My second tip would be, there is no shame in trying to find someone. Certainly when I was dating (I had a couple of stints of internet dating and was never closed off to the concept of a relationship (do NOT get me started about people talking about women “choosing a career” over a relationship) I heard a lot of guff about, oh you’ll find someone when you stop trying, just let it happen, one day you’ll realise they’re were there all along, I married someone I was friends with for years, blah blah”. Yes this does work for some. But not for everyone – all my male friends were in relationships or really genuinely not for me, and anyway how is the Universe supposed to know I’ve stopped trying?! Where do I fill a form in to register my intent to Let It Happen, whereby Mr Right falls out of the sky?! If you wanted a (new) job or a promotion, nobody would judge you for working hard to achieve that. If you wanted to sell your hand-felted cat-fur jewellery on Etsy, everyone would understand you practising your craft, photographing your wares, trying to create a buzz on Instagram.
      So if you would like to be ina relationship then I say go forth and do whatever works for you to meet new people and engage with the ones that interest you. That might be internet dating, going out more with friends, joining societies or classes or online groups, chatting people up in bars, whatever. But to me the idea that the only way is to sit there passively and wait to be in the ending of a chick lit novel, is unhelpful.

      1. allathian*

        Yes, definitely. I think that the “if you stop trying, it’ll happen” leaves a crucial thing out. It should be “keep trying, but don’t try so hard, and it’ll be more likely to happen.” People who are really keen to find a relationship almost always give off an aura of desperation that tends to scare otherwise interested people off. People want to choose and be chosen, not to be just “any port in a storm” for someone else.

    10. Flooch*

      From what you’ve said I don’t think you’re being too picky – but perhaps you’re meeting too many of the wrong type of person if that makes sense? If the same gaps are repeating themselves I mean. The gaps you’ve mentioned also strike me as ones that would become evident pretty early on, in which case there’s no need to spend 12+ months figuring things out! I’m still looking for my person but I’m confident he’s out there!

      1. Chilipepper Attitude*

        I think WHERE you are meeting men could be part meeting the wrong type of person for you.

        I’m married 32 years and while we are not 100% perfectly compatible, our core values are almost the same and I think that allows us to respect each other and our differences. Date enough to recognize your core values.

        And think about where to meet men who might share those values. I have a friend who only meets men in bars and then is surprised they are party guys. She does like to party but it’s not the most important core value for her. She refuses to try online dating, though all her friends do, so she keeps meeting men who don’t share her real interests and is unhappy.

        I’m not saying you cannot meet great guys in a bar, just that where you are meeting them might matter if you are not finding men you are looking for.

        And I’m really curious where women are meeting men right now, especially with the impact of COVID.

    11. Not So NewReader*

      I am also among those who think you are not too picky. I think you are on track.

      I had no plan on getting married. I met my husband when I was 19. We married when I was 23. And he passed just before my 46 birthday. That was years ago. I am happy on my own. It’s funny how stories just turn all kinds of corners and go in different directions. I would not have predicted ANY of this- from getting married to current time being content on my own.

      Keep insisting on having a life while you look for a partner. Fill up your days, round out your experiences. That’s what I was doing when I met my husband, I was just filling up my life. What is good about this is that it becomes a life habit. Because marriage is not a destination, marriage is a journey. Once you find your other half, the journey continues but now you just have someone else with you, that is all. The life journey never stops.

    12. Strong Aroace Vibes*

      I’m in a similar situation so I don’t have advice, just commiseration. People who have been a match in the sort of connection you describe have universally been unable or uninterested to form a partnership; stable relationships have generally felt less-inspiring on this dimension. Knowing that reality, it’s difficult to parse what’s “good enough” for a partnership, especially since most relationships are average and one can’t wait around for perfect. And especially since so many married people (mostly women) DO seem to be in healthy, positive relationships navigating daily life and family, yet also do have a collection of friends (again, mostly women) who offer more of the sort of intellectual and/or emotional dimension you describe.

      How do people figure out which dimensions they’d like met by their friends vs. their partner?

      I don’t mean to derail your question, if this isn’t something you’re also thinking about, but I would appreciate hearing others’ perspective on this one in a sub-thread.

      1. allathian*

        I have a few very good friends that I’ve known since middle school, high school, or college. I got lucky in that I didn’t have to relocate to go to college, and in that I stayed in the same city after graduation, and in that most of my friends have done the same thing. A few have moved elsewhere, but whenever I see them, we pretty much pick up where we left off, there’s no awkward “getting to know the new you” period. Earlier this summer I met a friend I hadn’t seen since 2018 or thereabouts, and we just talked about what had happened in the years since our last meeting, and started planning the next one for next summer.

        I’m an introvert, and the older I get, the less social I seem to have become. I have one best girlfriend who I can talk about the things women share that men can’t really be expected to understand because it’s not their lived-in experience, and about a handful of other friends who’re wonderful people whose company I enjoy, but our topics of conversation tend to be a bit more superficial. I’m not really interested in maintaining a huge network of casual friends or acquaintances. I did have more friends when I was in college and early in my career (and crucially when I was single), but many of the more casual ones have disappeared through a mutual lack of interest in keeping the friendship going. I’m also not on social media, so even if I were interested in reconnecting with someone I knew 25+ years ago, they wouldn’t be able to find me so it’d have to be by chance.

        Like I posted elsewhere on this thread, my husband is my intimate partner, best friend, and confidant. Luckily for me, he also has friends, so I don’t have to try and meet all of his social needs. He’s also quite introverted, but I think less so than I am. Or else he’s just in better physical shape, so he isn’t as completely drained by social stuff as I am.

    13. Cookie*

      One of my good friends, well into her late 30s, met Mr. Right at a political protest group. They didn’t hit it off immediately but sort of vaguely knew each other. Subsequent events meant they subsequently met again. Eventually they started dating and moved in together.

      Find an activity you love, that you would love to do even if you did not meet Mr. Right. Enjoy that thing. Like-minded people who also truly enjoy that thing will be there.

      I’m happy now (much later in life after a long marriage and divorce) just hanging out on weekend evenings with Mr. Right Now, but if I wanted a go-round at getting serious or marrying again, I’d get out for group activities and meet a lot of people. For me it would be book clubs, hiking groups, travel enthusiasts, cooking classes. And I would be going for the fun/interest, not just looking for guys.

    14. mreasy*

      I was worried, when I was single and dating, that I was being “too picky.” But people who seem great on paper – or even are great to hang out with – aren’t necessarily a person you will fall in love with and want to spend your life together! Remember when the wise Cher Horowitz’s words: I’m really picky about my shoes, and they only go on my feet. But seriously – being committed to someone (especially with a kid involved) you don’t feel connected with is lonelier than actually being alone. My husband was a coworker I met a few years after a six-year long relationship ended just when I was about to turn 30. I had never felt so confident about being with someone forever than I did (and do) with him. There is hope, don’t let the media freak you out about fertility or men only wanting younger women! Good luck out there.

    15. Westsidestory*

      Well, you have plenty of time….I married for the first time at age 59!

      Before that, one long term relationship that didn’t work out, followed by the kind of duds that just fizzled for various reasons.

      What changed my mindset was 1) deciding I was my own best company and 2) joining sports groups that tend to attract healthy people (think skiing, hiking, kayaking, baseball) and most importantly, 3) accepting all first dates and then dating more than one person at a time.

      People are attracted to happy healthy people, and it definitely pays to comparison shop! One memorable weekend I had three dates. Friday was with a hiking acquaintance (definite no second dates) Saturday went to a concert with a ski group member (several more dates as we had many mutual interests) and Sunday brunch with a random cutie who asked for my number at a birthday party that was held in a karaoke bar. (Happily married 8 years now).

      Moral to the story: be careful out there, but be out there. You are not picky. You get to choose. Multiple options tend to yield a good voice.

    16. Beethoven, nooooo!*

      You’ve got some good advice here but just want to add, as someone who is very much in the same boat, once thing that helps me is to acknowledge the extraordinary social forces that are swirling around these things in our current times. It’s almost like when there were tons of single women after WW2 because so many young men had died in the war – so it didn’t necessarily reflect on those women’s particular charms or aspirations, but that was just the cultural context of their era. In our era, women are encouraged to work and build their own career and security, so we don’t “need” to form the almost business-like relationships of past eras, where most reasonable women truly needed to marry relatively early the best prospect they could find at the time – marriages are now “companionate.” But we also haven’t shaken off enough cultural baggage that our newly empowered selves can really serve our own best interest – we still have strong gender roles and ideals in all of our heads. I mean, there’s still a lot of pushback on stay-at-home-fathers, marrying younger men, marrying men who didn’t go to college or don’t have career prospects, etc etc etc. In white middle class American culture at least, most professional women are still taught to aspire to even more professional men – so if the woman is a doctor, she “should” marry a surgeon or a very high powered lawyer. Also, even if she is a doctor, the bulk of the child raising and housekeeping is still assigned to her to manage one way or another. We haven’t worked out all the kinks yet. That’s why I couldn’t reconcile it all and ultimately stayed single.

      TLDR: I was encouraged to spend a lot of effort and time building myself up to a comfortable middle age, but was also supposed to give it all up at some point and be subordinate to a marriage and family (if not specifically a man) – couldn’t quite circle that square, am now single and reasonably content, what are you going to do, culture is weird.

    17. Texan In Exile*

      I met my (engaging, never boring, intellectually connected) husband at our 20 year college reunion. That seems to be the year that people start recycling spouses. :)

      And a college friend who, after 20 years of marriage, divorced the man she married our junior year, dated some lovely men in the years following and just last year, in our 50s, re-married a wonderful guy.

      They are out there!

    18. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      This isn’t the traditional happy ending, but I’ve eventually made my peace with not having a romantic partner. I guess it’s a happy-enough ending? I keep in close touch with those exes of mine who are nice (I still talk to one every day) and have other people I check in with daily. It’s not the same as having someone to rub your feet or change a light bulb or help you move something heavy, but it’s okay. Whenever I read about awful relationships (like on reddit’s AITA sub), I remember that being in a bad relationship is definitely worse than being alone!

    19. Anon happy story*

      I know someone who was single at 40 and signed up to do medical work at a hospital in Haiti . . . where she met this lovely Haitian doctor whom she married. They had two kids and lived happily ever after. You never know when you’ll just be living your life and find a great match.

    20. Inner beauty*

      I was in my 30s when I met my wife, in her 40s. And we’d each had unsuccessful 10+ year relationships prior to meeting (through online dating). We love each other deeply and are best friends, too.

      But that’s not to say that there was/is no compromise. I think, with my wife, I realized (and decided to accept) that no person is perfect, but this person’s imperfections are reasonable, I can live with, and aren’t really deal breakers. For example, I’ve usually been attracted to a certain physical type, which my wife is definitely not. However, I realized/ decided/ accepted that that didn’t matter to me, really. I had to grow, myself, to look beyond things that *had* been likely deal breakers, to see the inner beauty of my wife and the possibilities of a relationship together.

    21. Mac (I Wish All The Floors Were Lava)*

      Definitely don’t settle, it’s not worth it!

      Not sure if you, like me, had been socialized to wait and be asked out, but for me I realized in my mid-30s that I just didn’t like dating the kind of people who came on real hard to me. Literally 2 days after resolving not to date those people anymore, I got up my courage and asked out someone I met just out walking in my neighborhood, who seemed nice and friendly but in a not-pushy kinda way… And we’ve been together 6 years now, which is (for me) an absolute eternity.

    22. Generic Name*

      You are not being too picky. The goal is to find a man who enhances your life/you enjoy being around etc. it’s not to choose the “most acceptable/least objectionable” man from the pool of existing dudes. You might not find someone you want to commit to, and that’s okay! At least that’s the mindset I had when I started dating after I divorced in my late 30s.

      I think the advice to dump early and often is solid, especially if you are marriage minded, but also because why waste time with guys you aren’t totally into?

      As far as intellectual connection goes, it might help to broaden your criteria for suitable matches, as contrary as it sounds. I have a professional job and a masters degree, and if I only dated men who have the same background as me, I would not have met my husband. He did not go to college, but he is every bit my intellectual equal. He can keep up with me on basically any topic, and he deeply respects my expertise in my discipline. College is so expensive that for many people it is out of reach financially and not because they lack the intelligence to be accepted.

      For the happy ending story, I met a man online and married him just before I turned 40. :)

    23. Olive Green*

      Thank you everyone for all these really insightful, thoughtful, and encouraging comments. I really appreciate it!

      I think the “dump early, dump often” advice is spot on. I actually feel really optimistic when I think about it from that angle, whereas trying to convince myself to settle just makes me miserable. I did do online dating for the first time recently, and I think it helps a lot to be able to compare options–I definitely met several “nice enough” guys I would have settled for previously, but this time I was able to say no, I can find a better fit. And I did! So I’ll go back to the apps when I’m ready, this time in hopes of finding that great connection with someone who’s able to commit.

    24. Ann Ominous*

      “I do worry I’m being too picky, but…”

      Why settle for a relationship that isn’t that deep connection? What would that accomplish?

      You’d spend your entire marriage looking for that bond…you’d essentially be in the same position you are now, except more lonely, because you’re ‘supposed to’ be happy now that you’re married, and more complicated, because of there being another entire person involved (and all kinds of laws and property and taxes and kids and decisions such).

      Allow your loneliness in, feel it fully, don’t reject it or run from it, or numb it.

      My happy ending story: after an abusive 15-year marriage and a long-term failed engagement, I found lasting love (in middle age).

      Stay true to you. No matter what else, stay true to yourself.

    25. Bibliovore*

      Not sure this helps but thank you for asking.
      I was 61 and my husband (71) died on May 16, 2021, suddenly between 4 and 6 am. We were together since 1985, married in 1987.

      True story:

      I was working in a bookstore.
      I was at the front register.
      A man walked in and said. “I am the Viking Penguin rep.”
      And I said “Wow, just last night I read a Puffin book about the Cattle Raid of Cooley, that was so amazing
      (because I thought the Penguin rep read all the Penguin books)
      I babbled a bit.

      He looked at his watch and said he had a 1:00 appointment with the Lou Ann, (the buyer.)
      I asked, do you know the way?
      And he said yes
      and started up a short fight of stairs to the next level of the store.
      Here is the weird part.
      As I looked up at his back, I thought, I’m never going to see him again,
      and felt sad.

      I picked up the receiver on store phone and called the buyer (who was a good friend)
      and said the Penguin rep is here and going up to the office.
      She said “ that nice Paul Von Drasek?”
      Shocking myself, I said
      “ Tell everyone that we are hanging at my apt. tonight and invite the Penguin rep. “
      About 4 people.

      By 7, everyone had cancelled,
      this one had a migraine ,
      that one’s boyfriend came in from out of town.
      I called the Penguin rep at his Holiday Inn on Locust street
      and said he couldn’t come over to my apartment because I didn’t know him well enough.
      (he could have been an ax murderer)
      Him “ Have you had dinner yet?”
      I said no.
      Him “ Do you want to?”
      I said yes.
      That was our first date.

      He woo’d me with free- and-review copies and galleys.

      Two years later on our wedding day, I found out that he expensed our first date.

      So when people asked, How did this work?

      What I know-
      I was extremely shy 25 year old who could count the number of guys that I had dated on one hand.
      This was extremely out- of-character for me.
      We didn’t have a lot in common except loving books and book people .
      He was adventurous,
      I was not.
      He liked to see where the road went,
      I wanted to have a plan.
      He liked surprises; I dreaded them.
      He wanted an “anything- can -happen” day;
      I wanted a stay-home-and-read day.
      I love speculative fiction,
      children’s books,
      young adult books,
      and the occasional Michael Connelly;

      He read
      poetry,
      literary fiction,
      and independent presses.

      I watched Freeform,
      If he had his way the tv would be on all the time on CNN or MSNBC.
      True fact.
      We made each other laugh.

      1. Jean (just Jean)*

        Bibliovore, this is a lovely story! How wonderful that you and Mr. Bibliovore met (in this unusual way!) and spent 36 happy years together. I’m not discounting the sadness of his sudden death. But the one doesn’t cancel out the other. Thank you for sharing this small piece of your personal history.

    26. kiki*

      A piece of advice I heard that has served me well is once you’re exclusive, don’t hold back asking them to take on challenges with you. Don’t make up silly tests or anything like that, but it’s okay to expect things of somebody you’re exclusively dating. A lot of people, especially women, are told not to “scare men off” too early in the relationship– for a couple dates, that makes sense, but now “too early” can mean 6 months to a year. It’s better to take on challenges together and realize you’re not going to work out than to ask nothing of somebody you’re dating and find out a year later than they’re not equipped to be the kind of partner you need. Look for dealbreakers early. Go on trips, put yourselves into new situations, ask for help with the hard parts of life. As PollyQ said above, dump early, dump often.

  13. A.N O’Nyme*

    Writing thread! How is everyone’s writing going? As usual, this is not limited to fiction writing, any writing goes.

    Still not much for me this week other than some light editing.

    1. Melanie Cavill*

      Would it be super embarrassing if I discussed my fanfic? Well, I’m going to anyway!

      I’m fifty pages into a The Great Ace Attorney fanfic which has stagnated because I need a refresher on the structure of a trial before I continue. Unfortunately, TGAA isn’t terribly re-playable. It’s basically an occasionally interactive novel.

      In the meantime, I started working on a Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild historical fanfic about Maz Koshia and the other enshrined Sheikah monks, and will hopefully explain why dude has a motorcycle. I started writing and it immediately went sideways off my very roughly sketched out character plans, which is delightful.

      In non-fanfic news, I’ve been working on something that can be described as YA-ish fantasy, plotline like— What if Cinderella only went to the ball to case the joint, because Robin Hood is her half-brother? You won’t believe what happens next! But that seems like such an obvious idea, I’d be very surprised if it’s not been done, and am purposefully not checking either way. It’s been fun to build a fantasy setting that’s the best of what we could be, but aren’t yet: no social stigma around different sexual orientations, for example, and no power imbalance around the genders. My current world building goal? Come up with completely gender neutral substitutions for royal titles.

      2. Cendol*

        Love the Cinderella idea, and Robin Hood makes everything better! What are some of the gender neutral royal titles you’ve come up with so far? I’m getting stuck on “sovereign,” which is embarrassing for me, a nonbinary person. I also like the idea of titles that *aren’t* neutral but don’t depend on the gender of the said royal, e.g., King Marian, Queen Richard.

        1. Melanie Cavill*

          I’ve been using Dynast as a substitution for King/Queen! For all children of the Dynast, I’m using Prince regardless of gender. That last one doesn’t thrill me, as it’s still very much a gendered term in English, but I can live with it.

      3. A.N. O'Nyme*

        Roughly half of all my ongoing projects (if not more) at any given time are fanfic, so go for it! I’ll make sure to specifically add a note about it in future threads, because this is the second time in a pretty short while that I have seen people ask if it’s okay to talk about fanfic. Writing = writing.

    2. Jean Pargetter Hardcastle*

      Horrible. Nonexistent. My loving spouse purchased me an 8-week writing course, which I excitedly started in mid-February and am still dead-ended halfway through week 4. I just can’t find the emotional energy to push through.

      1. KristinaL*

        I don’t want to push you if that’s not what you need right now, but if it helps, when I’ve felt stuck and like everything I write seems wrong and not good enough, I’ve found that embracing the “not good enough” feeling and just going for it seems to help. I write it even when it seems badly written and clunky, and then I can edit it later and maybe make it better. It seems like getting it on paper (or on my laptop screen) really helps me.

      2. RagingADHD*

        When I get stuck like that, it’s usually because either

        a) the thing I feel like I’m supposed to write isn’t the thing my creative mind actually wants to write, or
        b) there is some question, detail, or problem that I need to solve/find out so that I can fully imagine the thing that wants to be written.

        Sitting with myself and asking questions often helps uncover the issue. Sometimes I need to put aside the thing I was working on and do something completely different.

    3. Maryn*

      For once, my writing is going well. It’s been my escape from July’s Too Much Everything (birthdays, guests, anniversary, health concerns, COVID exposure), putting book four of a four-book series past the half-way mark. Finally.

    4. Cendol*

      The well has run dry! Thanks largely in part to receiving an ADHD diagnosis and medication, I was able to hit a ton of deadlines in July, but I definitely pushed myself a little too hard. My goals for August are to finish just two stories, one of them a fanfic. The going is *very* slow. I’m doing a lot of thinking, outlining, and daydreaming; not a lot of actual words on the page yet. But after last month’s sprint, I’m grateful for the time I have to just sit around and “vibe” with each story, haha.

      (I have a lot of hope for the stories I sent out in July. So far, four of them are being held for further consideration—fingers crossed!)

    5. Bunny Girl*

      Haha Ugh. So I am aiming for 45k works in my novel and I’m just shy of 20k, so just about right at the half way mark! But I have had to do so much writing for school that it’s fallen a bit on the wayside. But I have a week off as I switch employers so I am hoping to sit down and bang off a few lines.

  14. A.N O’Nyme*

    Gaming thread! What’s everyone been playing this week? As usual this is not limited to video games so feel free to talk about any kind of game you want to including phone games and board games. Also feel free to ask for recommendations or help identifying a vaguely remembered game.

    I’m still on Age of Empires 2, almost done with the Saladin campaign.

    1. curly sue*

      We picked up the Companion Collection and just finished the main storyline playthrough for both Portal games. And now we’re bereft! Other than co-op mode and achievements, anyway. Are there any other puzzle games anyone can recommend – ideally available for the Switch – with a similar vibe? (We also loved Obra Dinn, so games like that are excellent recs as well.)

      1. Phoenix Wright*

        If you liked Portal, maybe you’ll enjoy Death Squared. To me it has a similar vibe to the Portal 2 co-op campaign, and when a puzzle finally clicks it feels amazing. Snipperclips is also fun and very charming, and some puzzles can be surprisingly hard!

    2. SparklingBlue*

      Was very excited for the new Pokemon Scarlet and Violet trailer this week, and Octopath Traveler: Champions of the Continent continues to impress.

    3. DarthVelma*

      One of the members of my old Fortnite squad joined us in ARK this week. That’s been fun. I think we’re taking him to try his first boss fight later this weekend.

    4. Girasol*

      Yesterday Rick Tq pointed to madgeniusclub.com, a good blog about self publishing, and I am feeling encouraged. The book I’m working on is for a niche audience so it’s unlikely to be of interest to a publisher, especially since it’s a writer’s first book, but I do want to get it out there.

    5. anon24*

      SkyrimVR. I’ve been playing VR for about 2 years and always passed on SkyrimVR because I’ve heard it’s very buggy and needed a lot of modding to be a good playable game. A co-worker convinced me to buy it (“but it’s dragons! In VR!”) and I tried it and found that due to the bugs it was fun but not something I wanted to spend any amount of time playing (I also had an initial bug that was fixable but which caused my screen to spin violently and gave me motion sickness so bad I won’t share the gruesome details).

      I’ve recently had time to research, download, and install mods. (If anyone is interested, I picked the Ultimate VR Experience on Wabbajack, highly recommend, I know almost nothing about modding and it walks you right through it plus a discord group for help).

      It is AMAZING modded. I spent like 20 minutes yesterday just standing outside Whiterun staring at the night sky and watching the deer run around. I feel like I am in heaven. One of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen and of course it’s not even real. Still some bugs and crashes occasionally, but definitely my new favorite VR game.

    6. Henry Division*

      My partner and I were looking for something somewhat mindless to play, so we played through all of Donut County in a few hours. It’s like reverse – Katamari? Colorful and silly. My co-worker’s kid also loves it.

    7. Sabine the Very Mean*

      I have no shame in admitting I’m back at ACNH building a new island. It’s helping me get over a breakup. Anyone want to be friends? :-)

      2. Nessun*

        Just got back into ACNH myself…hadn’t picked it up in years and wow my island had gone to rack(?) and ruin. Now I want to change almost of it – but I’m not burning it, so instead its a really long process of moving stuff around. Anyone who has advice on how to get a vampire squid…that thing is hiding from me! (Yeah, I’ve got the requisite numbers, time, and date)

    8. Kara Danvers*

      Got Fall Guys working on my Switch! Been playing that again. The computer I was using for gaming is super old and not worth dealing with anymore, so it’s nice to have everything running on my Switch now (except for Among Us, which I can play on my Mac).

      I’m not a hardcore gamer, obviously :P

    9. Jackalope*

      Still working my way through The Forgotten City. I’m stuck at the moment and not sure what I should do next. I suspect that I need to start a new time loop and see if that helps. But I’m hopeful that someday I’ll finish!

      1. anon24*

        I just played through that this week! So interesting. I went from “oh, this is cute, can definitely tell it used to be a mod someone made”, to “OH SHIT RUN!!!!” very quickly :)

  15. Yay, I’m a Llama Again!*

    Thank you to whoever it was (sorry!) in last weeks thread who recommended The Books of Ambha by Tasha Suri – I’m two thirds of the way through the second one and really enjoying them!

    Any recommendations on a similar theme?

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Not to your theme, but a similar thank you – last weekend or maybe the one before someone recommended the Lunar Chronicles by Marisa Meyer – thank you, I plowed through the entire series today. (Username checks out.)

  16. Aphrodite*

    What is the best or most unusual thing you cook in your microwave?

    For me, I tried corn on the cob a few days ago for the first time. I had read about it a year or two ago but didn’t try it (thinking “how well can it really work?”) Well, it turned out to work REALLY well. I have a small, less powerful one so I put it in for four minutes–and it was perfection with no pots or a steamer to wash. Just heat, peel and eat. I love this!

      1. Random Biter*

        This one really made me laugh. I used to get notifications from a rather snooty recipe share group. During one “send us your great chocolate recipes!” I decided I was sending in the chocolate mug cake They published it! Of course it was with a rather condescending “and this one was submitted by Random Biter! Boy, is she low rent!” kind of remark but hey, I was published in the snooty recipe group! :))

    2. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Edamame. I found a store selling freezer bags of peeled edamame , and I cook off one bowl at a time for a high protein lunch. (Try them over brown rice with sesame ginger salad dressing or rice wine vinegar.)

    3. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

      I do most fresh vegetables in the microwave instead of messing around with the steamer. It takes only a few seconds to get perfect asparagus and mangetout.

    4. KatEnigma*

      I have stopped making corn on the cob by any other method! I read about it a year or so ago too, tried it and was amazed! So much better than the huge boiling pot of water (especially now that I live in Texas) and more consistently and evenly cooked than on the grill/smoker.

      I have a microwave recipe for hamburger stroganoff that I make and also a recipe my mom found in the 80’s that’s country sausage and vegetables (carrot/celery/onion but now I add mushrooms) that you then mix into rice.

      My son’s (5) love of hard boiled eggs far surpasses my enthusiasm to make them, so we also tried a microwave “as seen on tv” microwave egg boiler, and it works.

      1. Egg in microwave*

        Would love to know more about this microwave egg boiler! How long does it take? Can you provide a name or link?

        1. KatEnigma*

          It takes 10 minutes cooking plus 2 to carry over- then into ice bath or eat it warm.

          The one I see in ads on TV has handles and a clip that holds it together. The one I got on Amazon is missing both those features- and an exploding egg has twice made the lid go askew, so I recommend that feature! Just go to Amazon “microwave egg cooker” and it looks like a giant egg- I have the Nordic Ware version. Get the egg pod!

    5. fposte*

      My most unusual are probably quick and dirty caramel (a little honey and butter in a silicon cup, cooked until things look to be coloring up) and a cheaty cheese fritto (thin slices of cheese on a plate, cooked until they bubble; let cool at least until it won’t fry your mouth off and possibly until crispy).

    6. Liminality (It's Quarantime, Again...)*

      Mug Omlettes
      Crack eggs into mug and scramble. (I usually do two.)
      Add “toppings” that are cooked with the eggs, e.g. ham, sausage, peppers, onions, etc… whatever you like on your eggs.
      Microwave on full power about two minutes, stir, return to microwave for 15-30ish seconds at a time, stirring between to make scrambled egg size chunks.
      When fully cooked, add additional toppings. e.g. cheese, tomato, avocado, sour cream, etc…

      2. Girasol*

        Me too on mug omelettes. Also mug bread pudding, which makes a nice quick breakfast out of the ends of bread loaves. (Bread cubes, milk, egg, sugar or honey or maple syrup, raisins, cinnamon, vanilla.)

      3. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

        You can also add frozen veggies that are small enough (I used to use a peas/carrots/corn mix) to the egg mixture straight from the bag without needing to defrost or cook them first. This was one of my go-to quick dinners for a while, since eggs keep long enough that I always had them around, and frozen veggies stay good indefinitely.

      4. Nack*

        This reminds me of one of the first cooked breakfasts I learned to make. Same concept but in a microwaveable bowl. Makes it the perfect size/shape for a an egg sandwich (on toast or bagel) with a slice of cheese or other toppings ga of choice!

      5. Trawna*

        I do my Sunday breakfast eggs this way, too. Really good. Salmon also works really well — it poaches perfectly.

    7. Fellow Traveller*

      One time I was out of town on a six week gig, staying in a hotel with a microwave and a mini fridge. I think the fanciest thing I made in it was a lasagna. It didn’t have the browned, burnt cheese top that I liked, but it was perfectly fine.
      We don’t currently have a microwave and I miss the ease of corn and mug cake and baked potatoes.

    8. Falling Diphthong*

      I have become a convert to microwaved corn on the cob, after what I acknowledge as far too long as a snobby holdout. The steam completely loosens the silk, where peeling it off was such a pain for making grilled corn.

      I recently made beets this way (peeled and diced raw yellow beets, covered in plastic wrap, and microwaved for a few minutes) and it was way better than boiling for a long time–concentrated flavor better, more akin to roasting but you don’t have the oven on at high heat for 90 minutes in the summer. (I use yellow beets to reduce the abattoir effect.)

    9. Generic Name*

      I’ve made potato chips in the microwave. It’s a great way to eat an entire potato standing up at the kitchen counter. ;) basically you put spray oil on a plate and you put a single layer of thinly sliced raw potato on it. I don’t remember the cooking time or level, but I found the recipe online. They are surprisingly amazing.

    10. anonagaintoday*

      I’ve never tried corn in the cob in the microwave, but it made me think of that video I saw yesterday about the boy who loves corn and it was just the sweetest thing ever!
      twitter – /capetownbrown/status/1555366629852192769

    12. bratschegirl*

      Butternut or similar winter squash, cut in half and seeded, then placed cut side down in 1/4” of water in a Pyrex type dish and covered with cling wrap. Time depends on the size of the squash, but for a medium size butternut with a substantial neck I usually do 12 to 14 minutes. Then scoop out the pulp and mash with butter and salt.

      Corn on the cob works great in the microwave, although my preferred method for it these days is the instant pot.

    13. I take tea*

      Corn of the cob is not really a thing where I live, but sometimes you can find them. I had read about the microvawe cooking here and tried it – so easy!

      We cook whole sweet potato in the microvawe. Wash it, cut the skin around it as if you were slicing it in quarters. Cook on one side for about six minutes, flip, cook another six minutes. Repeat of neccessary. So easy.

  17. The Prettiest Curse*

    I realised this week that quite a few of the commenters here have usernames that might need some explanation, either because they’re pop culture references or because they refer to obscure AAM lore. And I realised that this also applies to my username, which is the title of a 2020 album by the great all-female Spanish rock band Hinds. (I’ll post a link to the song which features my username in a reply.)

    I always find it fascinating to hear about why people choose usernames – so tell me about the origin of your AAM username, even if it’s not a pop culture reference!

      1. Katiekins*

        I didn’t get the reference until I heard of dark academia (I think from Jen Ryland’s blog), and when I saw your name the next time, I thought, oooh, well played.

    2. RagingADHD*

      I sometimes think mine is misleading because I am not generally prone to rage. It refers to the fact that I have a raging case of ADHD.

      So does the protagonist of my book series, and I wrote him that way before I was diagnosed, so that turned out to be ironic.

        4. allathian*

          Same. Your posts are always well written and definitely not ragey. I’m pretty NT myself, and I’m grateful to you and other ND posters for being so open about your lives.

    4. Weegie*

      Mine references the place I’m originally from: anyone else who’s from (or near) it will immediately know which city it is :-)

      1. Lexi Vipond*

        Hello from the other side :D

        (This is just from a random name generator, but it made me think of Landward!)

      2. Nack*

        I used to live in that city and this post made me extremely happy (and a little homesick for it!)

    5. WoodswomanWrites*

      My user name is the name of my blog featuring my musings on multiple topics as well as my nature photography. I’m not tuned in to pop culture so I miss most of those references here.

      Being a word person, I enjoy clever user names. As an example, I miss seeing the user name of the person who used to post here as the Not Mad But Occasionally Irritable Scientist.

    6. Taking the long way round*

      Mine’s from a Dixie Chicks song, and kind of describes my life up to now as an emotional late developer.

      1. Taking the long way round*

        I use other names on here depending on what commentary I make.
        I have a name I use just for health discussions, and I have a different name (my actual name) if I want to link to my social media for whatever reason (so I rarely use that one).

      2. Taking the long way round*

        Sorry, I should point out that that is their old name. They go by The Chicks now

    7. A.N O’Nyme*

      Most of the time the pop culture references don’t bother me because they don’t add anything to the story (and sometimes they’re even used for people whose personality is the opposite from the character whose name is being used) – they’re more of a fun easter egg than anything else. Notable exception being the Demigorgon – Vecna reference earlier, as I never finished season 1 of Stranger Things and am not that into D&D.

      As for my name, it’s a reference to And Then There Were None, specifically a Dutch translation where the killer signs a letter as A.N O’Nyme, which is pronounced similar to “anoniem”, the Dutch word for anonymous. Another common translation for that name is N.I. Manth, which is pronounced similar to “niemand”, the Dutch word for nobody.

      1. Jean Pargetter Hardcastle*

        I saw And Then There Were None about 15 years ago and it still keeps me up at night sometimes. I can picture the judge in the last scene SO vividly.

        Mine is Judi Dench’s character in As Time Goes By.

    9. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I started posting as just Red Reader because I have Merida hair and read voraciously. Then someone asked for an adulting fairy to encourage them to do the thing, I added that part as a silly and never took it off.

    10. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Around the time I started reading ask a manager I had realized I had no play left in me. Even my hobbies had become chores. That was something I really wanted to work on because whimsy & music & art were a big part of my earlier life. I’m still a work in progress…. but I’m reminded every time I comment here.

    11. Mornington Cresent*

      I don’t comment much, but mine is the name of a tube station on the London Underground, on the Northern line. It’s also the name of a nonsense game played on Radio 4, where the rules only make sense if you’re playing. I think it’s a pretty name, but I also like the underlying chaos.

      I was going to use “Rainy” as my username, but someone else got there first!

      3. The Prettiest Curse*

        I wish more commentets chose tube (or othee transit system) stations as their usernames!

    12. Madame Arcati*

      Mine is the name of a character in a Noel Coward play. When I was a t university twenty-mumble years ago, so one said to me if they were casting that play they’d cast me as this character. I did not see or read said play until a few years ago (when the character was played by Jennifer Saunders, fwiw) and whilst even now I’m not as old as the character I can see certain resemblances if only being somewhat flamboyant/eccentric in dress and in manner, and being partial to a dry martini… Also it’s a very very British play and I get even more British in the presence of Americans, which I am here!
      Also, in soul-baring honesty…I thought a highbrow literary reference would make me seem fancy!

    13. Melanie Cavill*

      Mine is a direct reference to my favourite character from the TV show Snowpiercer. Someone once left me a comment recommending I freeze someone’s arm off (which makes perfect sense in context) and I was delighted. Although this should not be taken as a rec to watch Snowpiercer; the show is okay at best.

        3. allathian*

          The film was interesting, and it’s probably the first English-language movie I’ve seen by an Asian director that had a non-Western vibe to it, even if most characters were white (boo!). (I’ve seen and enjoyed a number of Chinese wuxia movies.) It made me think, and left a lasting impression on me, but for some reason I have no need to ever see it again, or any wish to see the show, for that matter.

      2. TPS reporter*

        Haha that was me with the suggestion.

        Ummm, I’m gonna need you to go ahead come in tomorrow. mmm okay? (To the place we shall not name)

    14. Not So NewReader*

      I am not that imaginative. People help me pick out names for my dog, because I am just not that creative.

      I think my user name kind of telegraphs that. I wanted to change it, but i have been using it for so long that it would get confusing for some.

      1. Just a name*

        Ditto. I am not imaginative, and was pressing myself to come up with something clever. Having failed that, I told myself it’s just a name. Most of my other user names relate to my favorite sports team, and I did not want to cross streams with that here, as that might make it too easy to ID me.

      2. fposte*

        Didn’t you start out as New Reader and then people pointed out you were a known regular at this point?

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Yep, that’s right. Someone pointed that out and I started using Not So NewReader. ha. Not So Imaginative.

          When did you start posting here? It seemed to me that you were had been here for a bit before I joined.

            1. Not So NewReader*

              I remember the foot story line, too. It sounds like I started within a year or so after you did.

    15. UKDancer*

      I’m from the UK and I love dancing. Also I’m not very imaginative and it seemed self descriptive.

    16. Irish Teacher*

      Mine is basically just clarifying where I am coming from in discussions. As the site is American, some of my experiences may not apply to many/most people and teaching is in many ways a law onto itself. I saw a lot of things here that I don’t identify with (one-to-ones with managers, etc) and honestly, I’m often not sure if they are American things or corporate world things, so yeah, the name prevents me from having to preface too much with “I’m Irish, so this may not apply if you are American” or “this may not apply to the private sector.”

    17. Turtle Dove*

      I’ve always loved turtles’ color, movement, and shape. I grew up back when dime stores sold them as pets, and my siblings and I often owned one. I’m not big into birds but added “Dove” because it goes well with “Turtle,” and that bird is symbolic of good things.

      I used to go by my initials here until I read some older posts where someone had used nearly the same letters (e.g., I used xyz but later noticed xy was established). I didn’t mean to step on toes, so I found a different user name.

    18. Damn it, Hardison!*

      Mine is a comment that is made almost every episode by a character in the TV show Leverage. I often say it to myself when I am annoyed about something.

      1. AnotherLadyGrey*

        I love Leverage so I always smile when I see your username. I also “hear” it in Eliot’s voice.

        At our house we frequently say “Dammit, Hardison!” and I often follow it up with “…I got these things in my PANTS!” which I find hilarious, even though it’s said earlier in the show.

    19. 653-CXK*

      My username is based on a license plate of a car my father owned from 1980-1985 – a mustard yellow 1974 VW412 wagon with the engine in the rear and the trunk in the front. He bought it after he sold his blue Chevelle so my mother could have a run-about car (he subsequently bought a blue Ford Fairmont for his own use). When the VW412 went, he sold it to the Old Volks Home and received $50 for its scrap value.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        We replaced our cars about 5 years ago (between college educations) and apparently the old two license plates are it for that region of my brain–I have no hope of remembering the new ones.

        It did finally occur to me to write the license plate numbers down on an index card, so if a car is ever stolen I’m not saying “Well! I can tell you the license plate of the minivan I was driving 10 years ago. But the current car, no, no idea. I think it’s got an L?”

        1. Deanna Troi*

          This is interesting, because in the state in which I live, you just take the plate off your old car and put it on your new one. I’ve had the same plate for 30+ years, on 5 cars. I wouldn’t be happy if I had to remember a new plate number every time I bought a new car!

          1. Falling Diphthong*

            My husband needed a new one because his new vehicle was all electric. I had one license plate on my 90s wagon that moved to my aughts minivan, and have no idea why I couldn’t just move it on to the new Rav. But apparently not.

      2. The Prettiest Curse*

        I’ve always been impressed that you got your avatar to match your username, as someone who’s much too lazy to do that myself.

    20. Chauncy Gardener*

      I love the movie Being There and always wanted to name my dog Chauncy Gardener, but none of them ever seemed like a Chauncy to me. So here I am! Plus, I love to garden. I do not like to watch! lol

    21. The Cosmic Avenger*

      Mine started out as a pseudonym I could use to comment on news sites, and was meant to make a bit of fun of the seriousness of the…heated debates going on there. I just tried to think of a very self-aggrandizing term, to the point of being a bit of a farce. Then I added the avatar of Eduardo from Foster’s Home for Imaginary Friends wherever I could to drive that point home a bit. Now I use it anywhere I want anonymity…although a few friends now know about it, for me it’s more just about staying anonymous with employers and strangers on the internet.

    24. ImOnlyHereForThePoetry*

      Mine is an Ask A Manager reference from a person whose workplace wanted their employees to all write poems.

      The commentariat responded in a very entertaining manner.

    25. Mimmy*

      I’m not very creative so I originally used variations of my name and (former) career path. Then one day, a then-regular commenter Jamie offered help with coming up with usernames. For me, Jamie suggested “Mimmy”, which I believe she said was a character from Hello Kitty, which she was a fan of, saying that I reminded her of this character. This is the only site where I use that name.

        2. fhqwhgads*

          I think she popped up kinda sorta recently once or twice? And a bunch of people were like HEY. Or I might be mixing that up. Or pandemic brain might be making that seem more recent than it really was…

          1. Myrin*

            She did! I, too, couldn’t tell how recent exactly that was but I wanna say sometime during the last two years?

        3. Jean (just Jean)*

          Me too, to missing both Jamie and Rebecca.
          I’ve decided to believe that they both are happy and doing well. My reasoning is that they both sounded grounded and positive in their comments, so why wouldn’t that extend into Real Life?

          It’s nice that people can make a positive impression on others here, even when everyone involved is using usernames. It renews some of my faith in humanity, the basic goodness of people, and the usual tendency of the arc of the universe to bend towards justice … eventually.

    26. fposte*

      Mine is from the signature of the heroine in Cold Comfort Farm, which is a book I adore. Flora is competent and well-mannered, and she reminds me to behave online.

      1. The Prettiest Curse*

        I have read that book, and somehow never made the connection with your username…

    27. Llama face!*

      Mine’s pretty simple: I love the movie The Emperor’s New Groove. There were many awesome quotes to choose from but at the time Alison was using the llama grooming business as the default workplace in posts so I picked this one. (Other strong contenders were “Pretty crucial conjunction” and “Why do we even have that lever?”.)

      1. Yay, I’m a Llama Again!*

        Mine is also from that film! Me and a friend say ‘yay, I’m a llama again’ to each other regularly, so using it makes me think of her. And like you, when I joined there were many Llama related ‘jobs’ so it seemed appropriate.

        1. Llama face!*

          Hello fellow New Groove llama :)

          Friend language is so fun! I have a running joke with a friend of mine where we reference a “left/right mermaid” (which only makes sense if you’ve seen this random 2016 Chinese movie called The Mermaid).

    30. bassclefchick*

      I used to play the bassoon. Which is a bass clef instrument (mostly. I was never good enough to grasp tenor or alto clefs.). That’s pretty much it.

    31. Texan In Exile*

      I used to be The Class Factotum, which is a nickname a former boyfriend gave me after we saw School of Rock and was the name of my blog at the time.

      Then I became The Golddigger, which is what my husband’s parents accused me of being. They told him not to marry me because I was marrying him only for his money. (Reader – he was a divorced, alimony-paying, individual contributor engineer. He had no money.)

      And then, when my husband’s parents died and I didn’t have much to write about in my Golddigger blog, I became Texan In Exile because I am a Texan who was tricked into moving to Wisconsin to get married. And now, I really am in exile because of all the crap going on in Texas.

      1. The Prettiest Curse*

        I have seen your username change over the years from reading archive comment threads (it’s easy to identify your comments because your avatar stays the same), and I always wondered about the reason(s) for the changes!

    32. Invisible fish*

      I was working under a bullying assistant principal who made things terrible for me and pretty much every human she interacted with, and in discussion with other sufferers one day, someone noted that she really got off on being a big fish in a small pond. This has always been a bizarre concept for me- if I’m at work, I’m there to do my work well, I don’t need to be at the top of the heap in order to get this weird affirmation that I’m amazing, I don’t need to lord power over anyone – no person who is focusing on being a good human being can fall into this “pissing contest” mind set. (My position was such that I was just a step below her in the campus/district hierarchy, and I invested a LOT of time and energy protecting the people “below” us that she wanted to bully.)

      I blurted out “I just want to be an invisible fish!” It really, truly hit me how much I like to be helpful and supportive and be a part of people doing good work, and how my leadership style is “servant leader” – I’m there to help you be your best, not to chastise and find fault and harass.

      And then I was able to make my escape!! It took about two years to recover from all the damage that woman caused, but I’m still an invisible fish, just trying to make my pond the best it can be.

    33. I’m not sure about this, but*

      I’m using this name until I can come up with something I really like.

    34. Macaroni Penguin*

      I’m Macaroni Penguin, because it amuses me to think of a bird made of noodles. But it’s also the name of a real species of penguin! The concept is too silly to be real, and yet it is. Life really is an absurd experience.

    35. Falling Diphthong*

      My username is a phrase from an episode of Says You, NPR’s language quiz show. A diphthong is a combination of two vowels in one syllable (loud, coin) and a falling diphthong is one in which the first vowel is more emphasized (noise). In a rising diphthong the second vowel is more emphasized (guava).

      While I am not a language nerd–I have a terrible ear–my husband has a strong linguistics interest he shares with his mom, and this reminds me of many “Fanta boils; the rice boils; Fanta boils” letters that they wrote to each other when we lived overseas.

    36. OyHiOh*

      I’m Jewish. I like language games. Therefore, I like how the Yiddish “oy” fits into the name of the US state (Ohio for non US). I’m not from Ohio, don’t live there, and it’s one of the few states I haven’t actually ever visited). Just like the word play of it.

      2. Deanna Troi*

        Oh! I though for sure you lived in or were from Ohio. :) Also, I know it isn’t exactly the same, but every time I see your user name, I think of the Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young song “Ohio,” about the Kent State Massacre, because in the song they say “Oh-Hi-Oh.”

    37. Trixie*

      A former colleague and good friend penned me as “Trixie”. He also used that as one of his passwords for something or other. I had a pixie cut at the time, and associated this nickname with Speed Racer. This friend had a wicked sarcastic side that was much appreciated, in an otherwise difficult workplace.

    38. Flowers*

      I like flowers. Pretty much it. My last username (Potatoes) was the name of a blog I had written on a website many years ago. It was a play on the “haters gonna hate” phrase and I like potatoes and well there you go.

    39. the cat's ass*

      Mine is 1920’s slang meaning something fantastic. Sorta like the cat’s pajamas (which i believe is also a username on here) and the bee’s knees. And i have cats, 3 of them, and they are tails up kitties all of the time, so i am always seeing…the cat’s ass!

      Great thread, The prettiest Curse!

      1. Flowers*

        I laughed so much when I first saw your username. I had heard of cats pajamas but not cats ass lol. Thank you for sharing the story behind it!!!!

    40. Slightly Above Average Bear*

      Bear is a childhood nickname, and I figure my use of indoor plumbing moves me slightly above your average bears.

    41. AGD*

      Great question! I love seeing these stories.

      I work in higher ed (technically faculty, but I do a lot of advising) and my scholarly background is in cognitive science. I was going to go for Amy G. Dala, which is a subtle pun on “amygdala” and also gets a bit of additional information about me across, but I didn’t want people to assume it was nothing more than my exact name, and I couldn’t think of anything more creative that I would actually remember was me, so I just gave myself these initials, which mean absolutely nothing. Oh well.

    42. VLookupsAreMyLife*

      Vlookup is my very favorite Microsoft Excel formula & I use all day long! No creativity points for this one.

    43. Please Exit Through the Rear Door*

      I got my username from the automated announcement that plays every time someone presses the stop request button on a bus in NYC. I also think it would make a good name for an emo punk band. Ha.

      1. Henry Division*

        I’m from NY and this is such a good username. It goes with “Stand Clear of the Closing Doors”. Excellent choice.

        1. Please Exit Through the Rear Door*

          Ha! Thank you. I am actually a big transit buff so it manifests itself in a lot of the things I write.

    44. Deanna Troi*

      Mine is from my favorite TV show, Star Trek: The Next Generation. Occasionally I’ll see references to the names in the show on this website and it makes me smile.

    46. RMNPgirl*

      I’m female and love Rocky Mountain National Park. I grew up about 45 minutes away and now live a few states away so it’s a nice reminder of my mountains.

    47. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Mine is a character from one of Beatrix Potter’s children’s books. The extra in parentheses got added because I ran into another Squirrel Nutkin in academia here on one of the weekday threads, which I am seldom on. Great minds think alike!

    48. Rara Avis*

      Rara Avis means “rare bird” in Latin. I teach Latin and my favorite animal is a penguin.

    49. WellRed*

      My username is self explanatory and a little dull but I always love the clever ones. Too many to even think of, but a current pop culture gave us Not Tom, Just Petty.

        1. Damn it, Hardison!*

          Sorry, that meant to say “one of my favorite user names.” I lived up to my own user name.

    50. Henry Division*

      Henry Division is the sole human character and defendant from the video game Paradise Killer.

    51. Cedrus Libani*

      My first default username was IsotopeOfAngel…because I was in middle school when stuff like AIM hit the mainstream, and I was a twee little nerd. (I’m a *heavy* isotope, that’s why I’m here and not in heaven…) That name served me well for a decade, but eventually I found myself staring at an account creation screen, realizing that I was a grown-up and I needed a new name. I happened to be listening to the Indigo Girls song “Cedar Tree”. So I used the Latin taxonomic name for a cedar tree, and have been using it since.

    52. Jackalope*

      Mine is related to a nickname that I have IRL, plus I’ve always loved the idea of jackalopes and wish they were a real animal.

      1. The Prettiest Curse*

        I have never seen that show, but flipped through enough articles about it in TV Guide that I recognised your avatar matched your username.

    54. NeonFireworks*

      I keep wondering about other people’s usernames! Mine, I think I just wanted something…colorful and exciting, I guess?

    55. OxfordBlue*

      Mine references the place I live and my favourite colour which is also the colour of the famous local university. Like Irish Teacher I chose it to show that I’m not in the US so as to avoid having to explain that whenever I commented.
      I really enjoy working out what the names the commentariat use mean and find many of them laugh out loud funny so I’m loving this thread.

      1. Really?*

        I thought Oxford was a reference to Oxford, Mississippi. Which is where Ole Miss (the University of Mississippi) is. My bad.

    56. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      My main username for internet stuff in general is pretty linked to my overall identity at this point, so I knew I wanted to use something else here just to keep this stuff separate from the rest of my online presence.

      I noticed a lot of pun/wordplay usernames, so I knew that was the direction I wanted to go. I further decided that I wanted something with both business connotations and fannish connotations if I could pull it off. Then I just riffed on stuff for a while, and since I particularly enjoy wordplay where by changing just a couple of words you can change the meaning of a sentence, I settled on this. It’s a play on the book title “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People” (which I have not read) and hobbits from Lord of the Rings (which I have read, although it’s really not the center of my fannish interests), although there really wasn’t anything in LotR or the rest of the assorted Tolkien stuff with specifically 7 hobbits all doing a notable thing that I’m aware of.

      2. Katiekins*

        You admire your name so much.

        I also really appreciate the name Snarkus Aurelius. (And Not Tom, Just Petty, as already mentioned.)

      3. Yay, I’m a Llama Again!*

        I did an exam last year and I’ve of the things I may have been tested on was Covey’s 7 habits, and your username made them funnier so the actual habits stuck!

    57. Fran Fine*

      I loved the tv show The Nanny growing up. Fran Drescher was beautiful, funny, and very well-dressed – I wanted to grow up to be just like that, and according to those who know me in real life, I accomplished that goal :)

      I’ve changed my name several times over the years (I think I’ve been a commenter here since 2011 or 2012), but this is the one that suits me best for now.

    58. NeutralJanet*

      I don’t naturally form facial expressions and speak in a monotone unless I’m consciously trying to modulate my face and voice–I actually didn’t realize until my late teens that most people smile as an unconscious response when they’re happy, for example, as I only smile as a signal to others that I am happy and assumed it was the same for everyone. This is apparently not-uncommon for autistic people, which I discovered at around the same time. I had always gotten comments that I had a great deadpan sense of humor and occasionally had people worried that I was bored while doing things that I genuinely really enjoyed, but I never connected the dots.

      My username is a character from The Good Place who also doesn’t do facial or vocal expressions–quick and dirty summary for those who haven’t seen it, when you die you either go to the Good Place or the Bad Place. Both places have magical, omnipotent assistants named Janet, but in the Good Place, there are Good Janets, who are kind and helpful, and in the Bad Place, there are Bad Janets, who are always chewing gum, paying attention to their phones, farting, and insulting your mother. In one of the later seasons, we meet a Neutral Janet, who wears beige and is…neutral.

    60. HannahS*

      My real name is very foreign-sounding and difficult to pronounce, with a Hebrew first name and Yiddish last name. Think like, Ruchama Shayneboym.

      I thought being plain, easy, Hannah Schmidt would be nice for a change! My plan was to use it as an alias everywhere on the internet but I pretty much just comment here, so HannahS it is.

    61. Stunt Apple Breeder*

      I changed my username a few years ago, and chose a reference to a 2019 letter where the LW mentioned keeping a ‘stunt apple’ on their desk to deter coworkers from asking invasive questions about fasting. I get lots of questions and comments about my diet so that letter stuck with me.

      It was this or Chris Hadfield’s Mustache (which is still under consideration).

    62. Myrin*

      My username is the name I have been using everywhere on the internet for more than twelve years now – it’s a combination of my abbreviated middle name and my hometown.

    63. Astoria*

      I wanted something elegant and feminine but not frou-frou, and that sounds like a given name but generally isn’t.

    64. Jean (just Jean)*

      Mine is a combination of a family name, a lack of imagination, and a small amount of self-deprecation. I wanted to use something more witty but figured that I would eventually tire of whatever I selected. Instead, I enjoy the witty usernames of other people.

      Someone else here comments occasionally under Jean (the name Jean without anything else–a real live version of Jean (just Jean)), ha ha). I thought about trying to make it clear that we are two different people, but that seemed unnecessary because we seem to comment on different topics and/or with different frequency.

      I haven’t seen Jean here for a while, actually, so I hope everything is okay!

    65. Bootstrap Paradox*

      Mine is from Heinlein (I grew up on the classics), re-inspired by Dr. Who.

      And I remember as a kid a neighbor used the ‘pull yourself up by your bootstraps’ a LOT and I was like but but but…physics!

    66. allathian*

      I got mine from a random username generator… But I really enjoy the funny user names some of you have come up with.

    67. Random Biter*

      Someone sent me a meme that said, “I’ll probably be one of those old ladies that randomly bites other people,” and waa-laa! (Yes, I know that’s not how it’s spelled)

  18. Art and consumerism and feelings*

    I’ve recently gotten into embroidery and I have some… guilt about my creations not being useful or serving a practical purpose. It’s strange because I’d never think that about someone else’s art or hobby, but I guess we’re always harder on ourselves. I try to embroider on or create things that can be used – e.g. tote bags, earrings, etc, but I can’t help but think that none of this is actually necessary because I don’t need 500 tote bags. I try to give them away, but there’s only so many people I can give them away to! My family and friends say I should sell my work but I just want this to be a hobby and not create more work for myself.

    Can anyone relate? Would love to hear your thoughts. I want to stop feeling this way and just enjoy my hobbies without worrying that I’m destroying the planet by creating things that are not strictly necessary. Any suggestions as to how to be more environmentally conscious in creating art are also welcome

    1. Aphrodite*

      Art is as necessary to life, I believe, as food so guilt is misplaced. As for what to do with your work, how about gifting your work–throws, bedspreads, totes, whatever–to domestic violence or homeless family shelters or churches that serve low-income populations, or low-income housing programs, or Giving Tree organizations (especially those focused on seniors) during the holiday season? I can easily imagine the joy that such beauty can bring to those who would get them.

    2. Weegie*

      Yes! Totally. I make jewellery (mostly earrings) and have given away as much as I can, as well as wearing it myself. I have also been urged to sell it, but I really don’t have the time or energy to set up an online shop or sell at craft fairs. The only other thing I can think of doing is donating it to charity shops.
      I have suggested to a craft group I’m in that we have an occasional sale of our collective work and donate the proceeds to a good cause, but the group leader doesn’t seem keen. That would definitely be my preference for getting stuff out of my house and doing some good, if I could find others to pitch in.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Love the idea of donating to charities. Maybe try domestic violence shelters or homeless shelters? People who have lost all of their stuff might need and want what you’re making.

    3. A.N O’Nyme*

      1) art is very necessary, or cultures around the globe wouldn’t be creating it.

      2) suggestions for environmentally friendly art:
      Try to use secondhand materials, such as totes and pillow cases bought at a secondhand shop.

      If you’re into embroidery, look into sashiko. It’s a Japanese combination of darning and embroidery intended to reinforce pieces of fabric that are wearing out. Please be aware that it is more than just “white thread on blue background”. Trust me, I have seen things.

      The principle can also be applied to other kinds of embroidery: you can try to use it to cover up repairs to other things or maybe spice up that old T-shirt.

      1. PollyQ*

        Trust me, I have seen things.

        OK, but now I’m imagining you taking a drag on a cigarette and staring 1000 yards into the distance.

    4. Sc@rlettNZ*

      I’m a mosaic artist and while I do sell my work I also donate some of it to a local cat rescue I help run. Sometimes I list it directly for sale on their FB page but most often we run raffles, which are really popular.

    5. Mornington Cresent*

      I understand- I cross stitch and always think “but what will I do with it when it’s done?” when working on things.

      If I ever get to the point where I have more pieces than places to put them, I think I’ll stitch them together into a little book that can just be pretty for its own sake. The world needs art, and creating soothes the soul, so never feel guilty for creating a beautiful item.

    6. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Art need not be utilitarian to be necessary to our enjoyment of life. Beauty is its own reason to create it.
      If you’re looking for ideas beyond tote bags, take a look at the way medieval and Renaissance embroiderers decorated clothing, or the way early American embroiders decorated household items. Some of those were started simple and added to over time, even after they had been in use.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Also think of totally different ways you could use it.
        A friend’s dog ran through screen doors without seeing them. She did a decorative strip of cross stitch pattern right onto the screen door at dog-eye level and he stopped going through the screen.
        An embroidered banner could be an easily stored holiday decoration for someone who’s living in a small space, or who can’t put nails into their walls.
        And I’ve seen some beautiful embroidery done to repair rips and moth holes.

    7. Madame Arcati*

      You can also do that cute thing where you leave it in the frame, neaten the back and hang it on the wall just as you would a picture. I have a little trio of such, just inside my front door, in three different sizes. Makes me smile and also it’s the first thing guests see and I find there are few harmless little ego boosts to compare with “why thank you I made it myself”!
      Also, a thing of beauty is a joy forever! The things you make might be treasured for years and that’s not waste. My mum has a framed embroidered sampler done by a relative which has been passed down, and it is dated 120 years before I was born*. When it is 200yo (by which time, with all due respect to my mum, I expect I will have it) I shall throw it a little party. With sherry.

      * if you want some morbid Victorian caption inspo, it reads “the grass is green the rose is red the sampler is mine until I am dead”

    8. Madame Arcati*

      Genuine question for the embroiderers here – would any of you be interested in finishing an incomplete embroidered linen table cloth I acquired from my late grandma? I will never do it (I do have some embroidery bits to finish from her but this is too big considering my other hobbies and projects.
      If that’s piqued anyones interest I can give further details, then if you are still interested we can figure out how to get in touch privately. I could eg put pics on my Instagram and tell you what my id is on there.
      I wouldn’t want anything for it just the knowledge it wasn’t going to be wasted; you could keep it or raffle it off for charity etc.
      I tried a couple of facebook groups and when I first mentioned it some people were like, oh yes I would, but when I put up pics, tumbleweeds… (it’s not horrible so I don’t think it was the pics, just the vagaries of the internet.

      1. jleebeane*

        I don’t know where you’re located, but if you’re anywhere near Boston (or willing to put in in the mail) there’s a secondhand arts and crafts supply shop that often sells incomplete projects. I’m sure someone would snap it it.

        https://makeandmendshop.com/

    9. Elf*

      You should embroider handkerchiefs! Switching to handkerchiefs from tissues is good for the environment, and you can never have too many, plus they make a lovely small gift.

    10. Not So NewReader*

      This is why I stopped doing crafting. I now do practical items for my home or myself. I have made dog beds and curtains, etc. I don’t want to clean all the craft stuff I made and I don’t like it looking dusty.

      My suggestion is do a few pieces then switch to something else. I have done embroidery, crewel, knitting, crocheting, sewing, macramé (back in the day), stained glass, canning, gardening, ugh- the list goes on. I do not excel at any of these, I dabbled. I enjoyed it for the time. I concluded that I liked learning how things go together. Once I had the general idea I was ready to look at something else.

    11. Koala dreams*

      If you do crafts for the fun of it, then that’s the usefulness. Fun might not be strictly necessary for survival, but it’s still important.

      There are second hand stores that sells donated tote bags so I think that’s possible to find if you’d like to donate them. Not sure about earrings.

      Talking of second hand stores, they are often a great source for craft materials. Sometimes yard sales too.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        YES
        I’ve found lots of things to use for miniatures at flea markets. It’s a hobby where you never know what will be useful, so it’s easy to end up with a ton of things, but 1) they’re usually small, and 2) they’re usually cheap. Plus, you’re recycling!

    12. Chauncy Gardener*

      There’s a cat rescue I’m involved with that has an annual auction fundraiser using things that have been donated to them. Maybe there’s something like that near you that you could donate some items to? Also, one of the churches near me has an annual fair (inside) before Christmas where local crafters sell their creations. The artists/crafters each set up a table and go from there. I know a bunch of them and they all say it’s so much easier than craft shows that require tents etc.
      And, I bet nursing home residents would just love some of your creations. There often isn’t a lot of beauty in those places. And as so many here have already said, art and beauty are life necessities!

    13. Inkhorn*

      I’m a knitter living in the subtropics, so I’m waiting for the inevitable day when I run out of useful things to make and confront this issue myself. There’s only so many woolly items a person needs in this climate. (I’ll probably go in for yarn bombing, I’ve been wanting to try it for years but keep getting distracted by socks and shawls. It always makes me smile when I see it, so maybe I can make other people smile.)

      1. Nitpicker*

        I crochet. I ran out of things to make and my friends didn’t want any more scarves so I did some research and found an organization that distributes handmade blankets to sick and traumatized children and teens. They take crocheted, knit, and quilted blankets. If it’s OK to post the name, it’s Project Linus. They have a website.

      2. Salymander*

        Yup. I knit, and I live in a place with 8 months of summer and 4 months of fall/spring. In other words, I don’t need any more knit items, not even socks which are my favorite thing to knit. I wear flip flops all year around.

        The one good thing about having arthritis is that I can’t knit very often, so I don’t have to find homes for all the knitwear any more. I give some to charity, but that’s about it.

      3. Seeking Second Childhood*

        My mom used to make premie hats for the NICU at the hospital where she volunteered.

      4. Silence*

        Plush toys, parasols, hair ornaments, lace shawl for in between weather, beach cover up in cotton

    14. Just a name*

      I still have the embroidered linens (at least some of them, mostly pillow cases) that were wedding gifts given to my parents in 1950. I particularly like the dresser scarf (I think that is what it is called) because my mother always had it on her dresser.

    15. Susie*

      Have you tried visible mending? There are several styles, but one of them is embroidering over a mended hole or stain. Perhaps use this skill to reduce clothing waste.

      Right now I do pretty simple visible mends, but I’d love to learn more about embroidery to up my game.

    16. KatEnigma*

      There is a reasonably well know vlogger with an Etsy shop, who ONLY opens the shop when she has accumulated a reasonable amount of things to sell- and by that, we are talking maybe 30 things total, at most. She also didn’t want to feel like it was an obligation or another job. She opens it 2-3 times a year. She makes about enough to cover her supplies.

      Or donate to the charity of your choice- either that has a shop or that has a rummage sale/silent auction/etc as so many do.

    17. Fellow Traveller*

      I was thinking about this lately because I was visiting one of those historic houses and in the parlor was an embroidery stand. And it made me think about how embroidery and needlework used to be a prized skill and that this was how people (mostly women, I suppose) used to spend their time before internet and tv and what not. There was real value and accomplishment in handwork and just creating something. Not sure where or why there has been a shift away from handwork being part of every day activities to where it is now regarded as a hobby…
      No brilliant ideas or thoughts for you, but just something I too have been pondering.

    18. Dark Macadamia*

      I also embroider and my main solution has been to just stick with smaller projects. I hate clutter and I do so many different designs that don’t really match each other or the decor. My favorites have been on a bookshelf in my apartment, but my family is now moving to a house and I plan to have a “hoop wall” in my office. Some things honestly just get stuffed in a drawer because I don’t know what to do with them!

      I think often about how people say art for children is more about the process than the product – why do we ever stop viewing it that way?? I think the more you can view your hobby’s product as “time I spent enjoyably” instead of “fabric with a picture on it” the less you’ll feel that you’re being frivolous or wasteful.

    19. I’m not sure about this, but*

      I’m primarily a quilter, but I’ve recently started crocheting smallish throw rugs from fabric I’m not going to use. I’ve also purchased sheets from a thrift shop to use. I’m starting to accumulate rugs from this activity! Need to find an outlet for them.

    20. Falling Diphthong*

      I second all the art is necessary to life posts. If you want to maximize effort per unit of space, you can do very complicated projects, e.g. elaborate scenes on Xmas stockings. But I totally get the satisfaction and appeal of working on something that will be completed within a reasonable time frame.

      But will confess that much as I adore miniatures, I have resisted taking this up as a hobby because what would I do with a perfect miniature room?

    21. Fiction Reader*

      I don’t think we always need to be practical, just enjoy making things. However, if you want to give your work away I have one suggestion. I recently stayed at an American Cancer Society Hope Lodge with a relative who was getting cancer treatment in a city far away from where she lives. One room had items donated to the program; we were told we could take anything we wanted or needed. My mom just took a small quilt to use as a lap blanket in the chilly treatment rooms, but they also had small items like hand-crafted keychains and decorations that were just cute and fun, to lighten the patients’ spirits and decorate their rooms if they were there for many weeks. I will say that tote bags would probably be very useful there, because patients and family members are always hauling things around to the waiting rooms. I forgot my reusable grocery bags because we drove in my relative’s car – I would have grabbed a tote bag if they offered them.

    22. OyHiOh*

      My local zoo does a “art for conservation” fundraiser auction every year. The main criteria for entering pieces is that they reflect nature in some way. I purposely make works during the year that can be entered in that auction, and they’ll accept up to 5 pieces from each individual artist. It’s a good way to send beautiful things out into the world.

      Art is necessary for living. Many people would argue that point, but we live in a world designed by artists. Artists design the homes we live in, and their function. Artists design furniture and fixtures. Artists design clothing and textiles. Artists design and make our dishes and appliances. Art is everywhere, even when it is functional and designed to serve a specific purpose.

      Embroider all the beautiful things. Sell if you wish, donate to auctions, fundraisers, and charity shops, if you wish, give as gifts as you wish. But please keep making beautiful things!

    23. HBJ*

      Could you sell one offs via Poshmark or Mercari? I understand not wanting to do it as a business, but that would not be quite the same thing.

    24. Joielle*

      Yes! I also embroider and I mostly do tea towels these days for the reasons you explained. I spend a LOT longer on each towel than is probably “sensible” for something that’s going to get used and washed, but I enjoy the process and I get to use them and look at them every day. And since they’re both small and practical, people are always happy to get a couple as gifts. If I was going to sell them, they’d have to be like $50 apiece to properly compensate for my time, which is a ridiculous price for a kitchen towel. So they’re just a labor of love.

    25. Jackalope*

      Here is my personal, non-scientifically-backed theory. There are some things that exist in every culture because they have to (food, ways to access clean water, shelter from the elements). But if something is invented by multiple cultures around the world, it also touches on a real need. I’m thinking of things like music, dancing, sports, visual arts, and so on. Not everyone is touched by all of those things, but they all hit some chord that exists in a huge percentage of the population or else they wouldn’t exist in so many places.

      So just because we don’t need embroidery in the same way we need clean water, doesn’t mean that it doesn’t matter or isn’t important. I don’t know if this helps, but I find it useful when I’m wanting to denigrate the “unnecessary” things I spend my time on.

    26. Mac (I Wish All The Floors Were Lava)*

      I also feel guilt when I spend time on making art/crafting, and it’s been really useful to me to try and unlearn that impulse. Creating something out of nothing is a life-bettering practice, and we all deserve to have that in our lives. Two things that really helped me are the book The Lonely City by Olivia Laing, which is sort-of a memoir but also sort-of art history– mostly my takeaway from it was about how the creation of art sustains us through what life throws at us. After reading it, I threw myself really fully into allowing myself time to make art, and still have a number of pieces from that time that I’m proud of.
      Also, if you’re on the east coast of the US, I cannot recommend enough a visit to the Visionary Museum in Baltimore. It’s a very unusual place, and for me what it does better than any other museum I’ve ever been to is celebrate the role of making art as a life-sustaining activity. I find the most moving pieces of its collection are the beautiful things made by people who were either incarcerated or institutionalized. Looking at those carefully made items and reading about the artists’ stories just made it so stark and clear to me that art is not a frivolous, indulgent waste of time or resources, but is in fact very much a matter of survival.

      I will also add that there is lots of scholarship done on the ways that specifically feminine-coded art forms like fiber arts have been historically denigrated as “not real art” for reasons I’m sure you can guess. Seeking some of that out may also make you feel more empowered to take yourself and your work seriously as a big eff-you to the patriarchy. Good luck!

    27. Emma2*

      I can relate as I think about similar things. I knit and do a bit of sewing and one thing I find is that a lot of influencers (particularly for sewing) are promoting a lot of very simple patterns. I think this is partly because simple projects are easier to produce quickly, and a lot of people use their projects as content, so making things faster helps them generate more content, which helps build their audience (and any return they are getting from ads, sponsors, etc). I also think pattern, fabric and yarn companies have an incentive to promote easy to make items as it encourages faster production, and therefore more consumption. I try to think carefully about whether I actually want the end product of a project – and not to take shortcuts where I think another slower or more complicated technique would be better. I also think about the materials I am using and try to purchase yarn that aligns with my own values (generally supporting smaller producers and avoiding plastic as much as possible – I will admit to having some sock yarns with nylon, which is supposed to increase durability, but am thinking about using alternatives).
      I was thinking about your particular question – I don’t have children so don’t know how much this would cost, but I wonder if you could purchase cotton children’s clothing from a second hand/charity shop, add embroidery that might be appealing to a child (trains, dragons, unicorns, dinosaurs, butterflies, pirate ships, etc) and then re-donate the clothes. A child can be absolutely delighted by something like a train on the pocket of a pair of overalls.
      Similar to what others have said, mending can be very satisfying (and a way to deal not just with holes but also stains). I have mended dish towels, facecloths, pillow cases, jeans, etc.

    28. Random Biter*

      I do cross stitch. It’s very soothing (until you realize you’ve missed a block in the pattern) and it keeps me out of the refrigerator. Depending on how I intend to finish something (framed, mounted on board, pillow, etc.) I’ve donated *many* pieces for charity raffles and auctions.

    1. The Prettiest Curse*

      I’m hoping to start watching it soon, as I read Sandman when it first came out. It looks like they’ve thrown enough money at it to make it properly, and I’m glad it’s a TV series, because there’s no way they could fit that much story into a film adaptation.

      1. ceiswyn*

        I started it the moment I finished work last night, and somehow I’m about to start episode 7…

        I am astonished at how well they’ve adapted it, and how faithfully. There are some changes, but you need that between book and TV. It is carried a lot by the acting, though; fortunately the casting is basically perfect :)

        1. Fran Fine*

          The actress playing Lucienne has lowkey become the MVP of the series for me. She’s killing it in such an understated way. And Kirby Howell-Baptiste absolutely nailed how I envisioned Death when I first read this series 13 years ago. Her episode is one of the standouts of the season for me.

          Special shout-out to the actor playing Desire as well. Desire’s whole vibe is endlessly cool.

          I just wish they had brought Tom Ellis and Lesley-Ann Brandt in to reprise their roles as Lucifer Morningstar and Mazikeen. I know the Lucifer TV show is its own thing and, tonally, doesn’t quite match this one, but I just love them so much as those characters so it was hard for me to see anyone else playing them (and I think the actors are good enough that they could have pulled off the darker tone shift).

          1. Bagpuss*

            I’m really glad that they didn’t. I liked Lucifer a lot, but the character is very different to the Lucifer of Sandman,(or the Mike Carey series) it’s so much more than just tone, in my view.
            I don’t think it could have worked

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        I know you know the genre…I’ll take this chance to tell others who haven’t read it, to be aware it has some really dark moments.

        1. Patty Mayonnaise*

          Yeah, I was reading and seemingly enjoying it years ago, but after a couple weeks I realized I was kind of depressed and anxious and having more frequent nightmares than usual. Eventually I connected my funk to Sandman and I took a break from reading it. I’ve never finished it! I think the graphic aspect was what really got into my brain.

      2. Fran Fine*

        You must read the series – it’s probably the most engrossing graphic novel series I’ve ever read. It’s the series that made me pay the slightest bit of attention to comics in the first place. Neil Gaiman’s storytelling is beautiful here.

          1. Fran Fine*

            I don’t think you’ll be disappointed :) They’ve switched some things around from the comics and eliminated some threads in the early volumes for timing, so you’ll get some twists you weren’t expecting, which is always fun.

    3. Falling Diphthong*

      Planning on it (per Sepinwall reviews) but waiting to do it with my spouse, and we’ve got other stuff to work through. (Also he much prefers watching after the whole thing is out.)

      1. Fran Fine*

        The whole thing is out – Netflix released the season all at once like they do most of their shows.

  20. Nicht bekannt*

    Light-hearted online dating question: What is your perspective on age gaps in (casual) romantic relationships? Specifically, do you follow a guideline like ‚half the number of my age plus seven?‘ or do you just go by attraction alone?
    I‘m a woman in my late 30s and aparently guys in their 20s see no issue in approaching women 10 years or more older than them, but i am always hesitant since i think up until 25, your brain is still developing and i would prefer full awareness on the part of my partner of what they are getting into ;)

    1. Not Mrs Robinson*

      I’m in my late forties and get matched by guys in their early thirties and occasionally even twenties. I’m cynical and I think they assume I’m a cougar (UUUUHHGHHHH) who will provide them with sex and sympathy until they find a serious partner their own age. Fine if that floats your boat but not for me.

      In real life I have met men in their thirties who I would happily date but for whatever reason it hasn’t worked out, but I’m open to it where there’s more of a meaningful connection rather than a profile. If you’re just looking for a few dates/flings I don’t think it matters that much but I understand the desire for ones partner to have a fully developed frontal lobe!!

      Someone, I think it might have been Dan Savage, once wrote an article about having a relationship with someone much younger and the takeaway was “like a campsite, leave the person in same/better condition as when you came in the scene”. Might be worth a Google?

      2. Cendol*

        That Dan Savage article is great—seconding the recommendation. I can’t find his first mention of it, but here’s one of his columns where multiple readers wrote in about their experiences with the campsite rule: https://web.archive.org/web/20080510081007/https://www.thestranger.com/savage/campsiterule

        Personally, in theory, I don’t care about age gaps in dating, and I think consenting adults should get to do what they want! In practice, I think of anyone younger than me as an amoeba (apologies to all the brilliant young folks! when you’re younger than my youngest sibling my mind instantly transforms you into a toddler!) and can’t fathom why someone older than 30 would want to date someone in their late teens or early 20s.

    2. Sc@rlettNZ*

      Back when I was single mine was not young enough to be my son nor old enough to be my father :-)

    3. Ellis Bell*

      I haaaaaate the “half your age plus seven” thing. When I was 32, I was online dating and most of the guys contacting me were 50. They looked straight past my age preferences and went by their own little rule. It was easy to delete them though, because they could be identified quickly as “one of those”. I had a few of them scold me for non responsiveness and “ageism”. Hahahaha yep, I’m the ageist one, because I want to date someone my own age. There’s no way I was introducing one of these guys to my early-fifties father. He would have made even shorter work of them than I did.

    4. Ellis Bell*

      My comment seems to have been eaten, but the gist is that I once felt really targeted by the “half your age plus seven” dudes. As a newly divorced 32 year old there was an avalanche of 50 year olds who seemed to think I was ideal, and I was even scolded for not thinking the same way. Before approaching me, a father of my friend was kicked out by his wife for being an arse, and he told his first wife he’d had enough of being told what to do so: “I’m going to get a young woman”. Age is a really fraught thing for women of all ages, not just young girls, because some dudes really see age as seniority and a path to control.

      1. UKDancer*

        Same when I was dating in my 30s. All the 50 year old men wanted to date me and I just had no interest in dating someone nearer my father’s age than mine. Some of them took this way personally. Personally I have a strong preference for dating men in the same age bracket (about 5 years each way). I wouldn’t want someone too much older or too much younger.

        1. Ellis Bell*

          It was a rare one who admitted it, but one did, so I said: “by that rule you should be going out on dates with women who are 107”, and he said “No, it only applies to men looking for women, because women are more mature”. But of course. We are also more willing to put up with slow learners and immaturity I guess? I also think it’s ironic that women are only considered as more emotionally stable when there’s something in it for a mediocre man.

          1. Nicht bekannt*

            Oh god that’s disturbing, i wasn‘t aware there might be a sexist connotation to it

          3. Filosofickle*

            I also think it’s ironic that women are only considered as more emotionally stable when there’s something in it for a mediocre man.
            Bullseye.

          4. allathian*

            Ugh. When I was 23 I dated a guy who was 7 years older than I was. I stayed with him for far too long because I was so inexperienced, he was my first serious relationship. In the end I left him because I felt that he was too immature. Gah!

            I met my husband when I was 33 and he was 28. He was established in his career at that age, I was still stuck doing whatever temp jobs I could get, which evened out the differences in our maturity levels somewhat. Now that I’m 50 and he’s 45 I can’t sense any difference in maturity levels, except when we’re talking about our childhoods and teenage years.

      2. Churpairs*

        Not dating (and hoping not to ever again!), but 50 year old seems to have me (35) as their target demographic for sexual harassment, so. Maybe it’s just 50 year old men, in general.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      I married a guy 13 years older than me. Neither one of us saw an issue, clearly, lol.

      Now that I am in my 60s I know I would not consider someone significantly younger than me. And that is because of life stage, the relatability factor goes down with age. Just my opinion though.

    6. The Person from the Resume*

      I agree in my late 30s I’d have never dated a 25 year old. Sometime in their mid to late 20s, I do think many people mature into the stage you tend to stay in in 30s and 40s. But everyone’s life experience is different so someone can surprise.

      I actually do about 7-10 years on either side. That rule won’t work for me. I’m 48; I don’t want to date a 31 year old it probably anyone in their 30s. But I guess you could say I’m not really into casual dating. When I do date, it’s in the hope that it leads to a long term relationship.

      1. Irish Teacher*

        I very much agree with your first paragraph. I am aromantic, asexual so dating isn’t something I DO, but for friendships, I certainly consider my peer group to be sort of 27-50 year olds (I’m in my early 40s). Outside that range, maybe a little bit into 50s on the other side, I do have friends, but…it’s a bit different. Friends in their early to mid-20s are more in the “honorary little sibling” category in my mind and with people over about 55, there is a sense of them being that bit “older and wiser.”

        1. Move it move it*

          Have you found that people older than you are more open to friendship than people younger than you? I’ve observed that to be the case since I was young myself. I think it’s that we identify more with younger people because we have been their age and may sometimes still feel that age, while older people’s experience is more foreign to us.

        2. allathian*

          I’ve only made one true friend after college, most of my friendships have lasted decades, because we became friends in middle school, high school, or college. The age of my friend-friends is in a range of up to 6 years older or younger than me. For work friends it’s a different matter, some of my work friends have been young enough to be my kids, or old enough to be my parents. But I view work friendships as very situational, and they tend to fade away when the friends leave for other jobs or retire, or I get a new job.

    7. fueled by coffee*

      I think the “half your age plus seven” rule works to eliminate relationships that fall into “ew gross!” territory, especially in the younger years. Just because it’s legal for a 42 year old to date an 18 year old, for example, doesn’t mean it’s a good idea. As people age, I think this matters less – adults with fully-formed prefrontal cortexes can make their own decisions about who they want to engage in relationships with.

      Personally, I think age gaps are a matter of personal preferences. I’m in my late 20s and would probably prefer to date within ~5 years of my age, but if I was blown away by someone in their mid/late 30s I wouldn’t dismiss them out of hand just because they’re older than that arbitrary limit.

      And I think there are all sorts of other considerations that factor into how people filter by age on dating apps. When I was 24, I would happily have dated between, say, 21-29… except that I was a graduate student living in a college town, and was trying to avoid matching with undergrads (21-22) AND professors (28-29), so I set a much narrower range. When I later moved into the neighboring big city, I relaxed those settings.

      1. Nicht bekannt*

        I have a similar issue in that i work with students and international researchers, all of them on tinder… but thankfully there are five universities in my city ;)

    8. Russian in Texas*

      I am 43 (female) now and my partner of 10 years is 52 (male). So that’s us. I’ve dated couple more guys older than myself, the largest gap was 16 years, when I was 30. I have never dated a man younger than myself.
      Nowadays, if I was single, I would probably go with 10 years either way. I can’t imagine dating someone on the cusp of retirement in my age, or someone younger than 30. It’s a whole another generation!

    9. Falling Diphthong*

      For me, 18-20 is a “they are technically legal!!!” age where people are first figuring out being fully responsible for their decisions, and I would look askance at someone in their 30s as a date. After that, treat people as adults.

      The brain can keep developing through 30–25 is an average. I am very glad that I did not have to live in my parents’ basement to age 25 or 30 (or 35, or 40) following their wise counsel about my life decisions, which clearly trumped my own judgment due to their greater accumulation of white matter.

      Running volunteer stuff, there are individual 15 year olds I would trust to close up over individual 45 year olds. It’s important to treat people as individuals, which might mean you date a 23 year old who is steady and responsible, and don’t date a 37 year old who is flaky.

    10. Generic Name*

      I am personally not into age gap relationships. I think up to 5 years on either side is fine and not a gap, but any more than that there can be a mismatch in maturity level that can be a problem. And if the maturity level is the same, it’s often because the older person is less mature. I also personally think that the much older man and younger woman can be problematic, especially if the woman is in her 20s. I know the women often think they like older men because the men are “more mature” than the men their own age, but too often the reality is the older men date younger women because they are immature and women their own age won’t put up with their bullshit.

      1. allathian*

        Yes, this. It happened to me when I was 23 and dated a guy who was 30. Two years later I dumped him because I was sick of his immaturity.

    11. Flowers*

      well…..I recently had a 24 year old interested in me. He thought I was around his age (I’m 37). Flattered was an understatement lol. I’m not sure what I would do though if I were single and in that situation. To me 37 and 50 are more compatible, but now that I type this out, 37 and 24 could be much closer in compatibility as well.

      2. allathian*

        Yes, I don’t blame you. A former coworker/work friend who retired a few years ago was, and is, very youthful for her age. People routinely thought that she was 10 or even 15 years younger than her age. When she got a divorce, she put her profile on Tinder, and because she’d been generous with the age setting, she kept going on dates with guys who were up to 20 years younger than she was. I guess she found it flattering, because she left her unfaithful husband who was having an affair with a much younger woman. But she did tell the guys openly that she wasn’t looking for a serious relationship. Then she retired, and I haven’t heard from her for a while.

    12. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I’m in my mid-40s, my partner is in his late 30s, we’ve been together for over a decade. The age gap felt much bigger when we met. It only bugs me when we have different perspectives on music and when he hangs out with his younger friends– he became tight with a bunch of undergrads while he was doing his PhD, and I just cannot relate to them.

      1. allathian*

        My husband’s 5 years younger than I am. He gets along with my friends and their partners well enough, and will usually find something in common with most of them. Most of my friends have partners who are about our age or slightly older. I’m having a harder time with the wives and partners of my husband’s friends, because the age gap seems to be larger, and I don’t think I have a lot in common with most of them. Granted, I haven’t seen any of them for about 3 years…

    13. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      I dated a gal who was 12 years older than I was when I was in my late 30s and she was in her early 50s. No problems, really, though she was a little motherly towards me. But she’s that way towards her partners who are closer in age too — it’s just her. I think the older both parties are, the less the age gap matters, but I think you’re right to be a bit nervous about dating people under 25, as they can have some growing up to do.

      Now that I’m in my mid-50s, I’d consider later 30s to be okay for dating too. I did have some interest from someone in her late 20s, but that just seemed too young to me.

      That said, I know a couple who got together when one was 50 and one was 25, and they have been happy as clams for years — if you really fall in love and both parties are mature enough to work through any issues, just go for it and be happy!

    14. Falling Diphthong*

      I think the half age plus seven guide is useful if you are a teenager. Fourteen year olds should date people their own age, then up to a difference of 1 year, and so on. Once everyone passes 20, I think you move out of rules of thumb for who’s too young and naive on the power spectrum and need to go by individual. (For example, if a 42 year old is convincing themselves that all your “This is casual, not looking for anything serious” is a lie to disguise how you want to marry them, you should call things off even if they are 42 and you told them it was casual.)

    15. Mac (I Wish All The Floors Were Lava)*

      I generally prefer dating people at least 8 years older than me, but I did briefly date a 25-yo when I was in my 30s. We were very compatible personality-wise, and it was definitely a relationship in which we both grew– but ultimately he was just emotionally messy, in the way that many people (including me when I was in my 20s!) can be simply because they’re still figuring things out. It was an incredibly painful breakup (he dumped me once we started talking about possibly moving in together), but I was never able to really be angry at him, because he reminded me so much of myself at that age.

    16. marvin*

      Personally I’d be more comfortable dating someone older rather than younger, but that’s sort of a demographic question. I’m a mid-30s gay, non-monogamous, non-binary person, so I kind of feel like anyone I’m compatible with who’s older than me is probably in a comparable life stage.

  21. Seeking Second Childhood*

    Ideas for fighting chipmunks, moles & other burrowing garden dilemmas? Beyond just plant disruption — the dry stone walls of the terraced garden around my house are being undermined.
    My thoughts in the first comment.

    1. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Traps planned include a cage thing my husband ordered and 5g.buckets of water with seeds as bait.
      No poison because we want to keep our native predators safe (hawks, foxes, garden snakes). I never did get backyard chickens, so at this point I’d even welcome weasels. My other half has been resisting a dog, but this might wear him down. (Cats are out because of allergies and because we border a road where people travel too fast. Even if we were willing to risk the birds, I’m not willing to lose pets to cars&trucks.)

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I have solar powered sonic spikes that I think are helping some? There’s fewer chipmunks now than there were before I put them in at least. I don’t know that it’s working 100% though. I tuned them out pretty quickly but my husband finds them irritating if he’s outside for long.

    3. Missb*

      For moles, I have hired a mole killer. They come out and set traps. I’ve used them two years in a row. Best time is early spring before they mate.

      The folks I hire are good- they generally trap the mole in the first 48 hours and then I’m clear for the year. And I’m out about $150.

      My neighbors use all sorts of chemicals on their lawns; we use none. Our soil supports lots of life and moles are attracted.

      We have squirrels but they generally just bury nuts, though they ate all of my ground cherries last year. When my son is here, his Australian cattle dog chases them off. We use a nerf gun otherwise to keep them off the bird feeder. Native squirrels and chipmunks get a pass from any harassment.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      I use up old spices by tossing them down the holes. You can also get spices inexpensively at dollar stores. I trained my dog not to dig this way. Key Point: I did not use anything near the dog area that would hurt him, it was just annoying that’s all.

      You are looking for anything pungent, things that annoy the nose if there is a lot of it.

      Drawback- you have to reapply after rain.

      You could also look into companion planting, to find out what to plant next to what to deter pests.

    5. Doctor is In*

      We got traps from Lowes that worked very well for moles. They have 2 big pincers. We went from really messed up yard to mole free in a few weeks. Gross to pull up the sprung trap with a dead mole in it but they work. Also used poison worms that worked but there is a risk of harming other wildlife if the mole comes above ground and gets eaten.

    6. Beethoven, nooooo!*

      Take this for what it’s worth but the moles were driving me nuts last year but I also didn’t want to kill them. That was the year before a big cicada run so apparently that’s why they were suddenly everywhere (eating the larvae that were coming up). They also like damp years. This year it has been dryer and no cicadas – haven’t seen a single mole. And I didn’t have to kill any of them.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        We have seen a big one in the neighborhood, but this year I have only seen a little one. I’m thinking that’s one reason for the population explosion.
        I’m just hoping we don’t get rattlers, which is a possibility in my region of New England. Yikes.

        1. KoiFeeder*

          Well, that’s the other reason to keep black rat snakes around- they’ll eat other snakes, too, and they’re far longer than any New England rattlers.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        That was my idea for the last few years, was focused on figuring out which plants that they don’t like. And then I realized that my rock walls were starting to collapse. That’s what holds up the terraced yard around my house foundation!

      2. Kay*

        Hahahaha – I love this as I’m in the same situation.

        Although, this week I came out to a mountain of dirt covering nearly the entirety of a few of my prized cacti – this is the very first time I’ve even considered action. Even then – my plan is to slowly transfer dirt from the pile into the holes – aka give in…

      3. Pippa K*

        This is going to be a really unpopular answer, and it only works for rural areas, but we shoot them. It’s effective, it’s more humane than poisons, it doesn’t harm other animals, and I hate doing it very much. But it’s necessary – unfortunately they like to chew through through wiring insulation on machinery (and in a neighbor’s case, a fuel line) which is both expensive and potentially dangerous. So we’ve had to fight them aggressively. We’ve been able to reduce the population enough that we only have to do this every couple of years.

    9. Generic Name*

      My brain stopped after the word “chipmunks” and I got this image of chipmunks boxing or doing MMA, and I can’t get the image of “fighting chipmunks” out of my mind. Ha ha!!

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        They are rats with racing stripes…the image fits the brazen little buggers.

    10. Little Miss Sunshine*

      A landscaper friend recommended coyote urine as a rodent deterrent. You can order it on Amazon. Works great!

  22. Polopoly*

    Stick / immersion blender with attachments. Useful for so many different tasks in the kitchen.

    1. Yeah summer!*

      It’s the best! I upgraded from kitchen aid (I used it to death) to brevvile. It’s fantastic. My husband suggests using the real blender sometimes and I can find no reason to drag it out and then have to take it all apart to clean.

  23. Venus*

    How does your garden grow?

    It’s so hot here that I’m rarely outside. I go out some mornings to water the tomatoes and they seem to be doing well.

    1. Missb*

      My tomatoes seemed to have survived the heat wave. I shrouded them all in old sheets to provide them a bit of shade. That seemed to help keep the blossoms on.

      I have tons of beans and zucchini right now. I’m also out picking handfuls of arugula and New Zealand spinach and red sorrel every morning.

    2. StellaBella*

      On my balcony, I was able to harvest 8 raspberries so far, will make basil today from the plants, and more raspberries are on the plant! And, I bought soil today to add to our parking area flowers. The heat wave here is only going to get worse next 3 weeks with at least 10 days of 100F temps. So am going to try to protect the hydrangeas and such with more water retaining soil.

    3. Just a name*

      Had a raccoon make off with a pretty tomato that was about ready to pick. He left me a half eaten melon from some neighbor’s yard in exchange. We will see who gets the most tomatoes this year, him or me. Probably him.

      1. Susie*

        My husband picks tomatoes when they are yellow then they ripen inside. Our tomato eating critter is a squirrel who likes to taunt us by running among our fence with a ripe, red tomato in its mouth then leaves the tomatoes scattered around the yard, with a single small bite removed.
        We use most of our tomatoes for sauce and I haven’t noticed any flavor difference in the sauce with inside ripening vs leaving them on the plant.

        1. Mac (I Wish All The Floors Were Lava)*

          I’ve heard squirrels do this because they’re thirsty. I’ve never tried it (I don’t have the sun exposure for tomatoes) but leaving a shallow dish of clean water out for critters and birds to drink from might help.

    4. GoryDetails*

      My self-watering planters are thriving – loads of chard, enough basil for pesto, scads of cucumbers, and some really beautiful eggplants. And the heirloom tomatoes are ripening now – picked my first one yesterday. (The sweet pepper plants never did take off, but the jalapeno is producing nicely.)

    5. Westsidestory*

      Cucumbers. Lots of cucumbers, on an A-frame trellis in my community garden plot (I think in UK they are called allotments?). Heavy rains and heatwaves seem to suit them. I am now giving them away.

    6. fposte*

      We had a little break in the heat so I went out and attempted to root out some of the woodier weeds. I pulled a bunch of self-seeding asters but some are too firmly ensconced. Oh, well, they’re good for pollinators. Not much is deliberately flowering–some Salvia azurea (I think it’s azurea, it’s some species sage) is starting, and there are a few daylilies. I’m not a huge daylily fan but I found a peach one whose form I really enjoy and it’s right by my front door where it can be appreciated.

    7. Beethoven, nooooo!*

      I am so happy I stopped trying to grow tomatoes and bell peppers and just switched to jalapenos. Our summers are soooo hot with alternating deluges, and I was so depressed trying to keep my lush plants happy and ending up losing most of the crop or getting a few sad looking ones that were bloated or shriveled. The jalapenos are survivors; they can survive anything, and the bad weather just makes them spicier. I’m all in now, and I make mean salsa.

      1. Salymander*

        I had the same trouble, but I found some Cupid sweet pepper plants and they are the hardiest peppers I have ever grown. They are small, heart shaped sweet red peppers, maybe 2 inches long. Very tasty. It is a little annoying to cut up a lot of small peppers rather than one big one, but at least I can grow sweet peppers now. Even in scorching hot, dry weather they are bearing beautifully.

    8. Texan In Exile*

      My tomatoes have some kind of blight. :( All the advice I can find – including from the master gardener at the Wisconsin State Fair yesterday – is that they cannot be saved and I need to salt the earth and not look back.

      Well, actually, I need to either change out the soil or not plant tomatoes in those spots for four to five years.

      I think I will just convert the entire garden to native plants and get my future tomatoes from the farmers market.

      1. Westsidestory*

        The OG MG is correct – you can’t really plant tomatoes in the same spot without accumulating disease spores in the soil. If you have the room, rotate with brassicas and alliums (broccoli, onions, etc.) for a few years And then legumes (beans, peas). The first rotation helps clean the soil, the second adds natural nitrogen fertilizer.

        This is the main idea behind “square foot gardening” and it does work. It also helps to plant disease resistant tomato varieties. They may still get the wilts, but the plants hang on long enough to give you a harvest.
        Of course if it’s a small bed or container garden, the best plan is to replace with new soil. I hope this is helpful.

    9. Girasol*

      The Thompson seedless grapes just started to turn pink this morning. I don’t know why mine turn pink when all the ones in the store are green, but pink means ripe for us. Time to hang the raisinator and get ready to dry some.

    10. Salymander*

      My lemon cucumbers are delicious but it is too hot and dry for cucumbers to truly do well. Now, the aphids have taken them over so I think they might be coming to the end of their bearing. There are too many aphids to really deal with. It is a bad year for ants, aphids and grasshoppers, I think because it is so dry.

      The eggplants and peppers are great. I have eaten so many grilled peppers and eggplants this year! Yum!!!

      The tomatoes are ok. Lots of sun gold cherry tomatoes, but the 3 heirloom varieties don’t bear very well. I planted Celebrity, Berkeley Tie Dye, and another one that I forget the name of. It is some kind of small, striped black/red and dark green variety. They are all beautiful and delicious, but I’m not getting the massive amounts I need for preserving. I think I will plant a couple of hybrid varieties next year along with the heirlooms so I have enough to make sauce and freeze. Fortunately, I looked after a friend’s garden plot, and she has about a dozen Early Girl tomato plants. She told me to pick them and use them while she was gone, so I have a big container of sauce in the fridge that I’m slowly freezing in batches in a silicone muffin tray.

      The scarlet runner beans that I planted rather late are blooming beautifully. I don’t really like the beans too much, but the pollinators like the flowers, and they give my peppers a little bit of shade so they don’t get sun scald.

      My guerilla garden spots are doing well. Someone has taken a bunch of the Cosmos plants. I recognized them in her garden and I told her that I knew she had taken them. She was embarrassed, but the plants have now stopped disappearing. I gave her a packet of seeds and told her that Cosmos do a lot better when grown from seed and not transplanted anyway. That is why she took them. The Cosmos plants from the nursery never thrive in her garden, and the ones I grew from seed were doing really well.

    11. Falling Diphthong*

      The daisies planted for my birthday a few weeks ago are really struggling in the heat and drought. Stuff with deeper roots (hydrangeas, rose of sharon) are doing well.

    12. Susie*

      Our kale is amazing this year and we have almost enough tomatoes for a first batch of sauce. We did beets for the first time this year and I didn’t know what to expect. It is so cool to see the large red beets sticking out of the earth when they are ready. I found a great recipe for roasted beets in yogurt, but we’re still trying to reverse engineer our favorite beet side dish from a local restaurant (which we still patronize it frequently, but want to try to use our beets to recreate this dish)
      Green beans and salad greens have gone to seed or stopped producing. Luckily the seeds I started early summer are almost ready to transplant so we will have another round of those veggies.
      We might be getting some watermelon soon. We’ve never grown it so we don’t know what to expect. When we went to our nursery to pick up supplies, our son begged us to buy the watermelon starts.
      I think our garden is doing so well because we put in a drip hose system. We are in drought conditions so this is also helping us conserve water-our water bill is substantially less than it has been in past summers.

    13. Overeducated*

      My garden is dying, as is my yard, it seems like. I talked to some neighbors who are much better at growing plants yesterday and it sounds like I need to be watering a lot more routinely. (Fortunately we just got a spray attachment for the hose, so it’ll be easier than refilling the watering can several times.) I also threw the last of my bag of wildflower seeds over the top of the soil, very few of them have grown this summer, but perhaps…it’s because I wasn’t watering them enough. One more try!

      I don’t know anyone else this bad at keeping plants alive. How is this stuff self-evident to everyone else?!

    14. allathian*

      Our blackcurrants are almost ready to be picked, and our potted potatoes are starting to flower, so they’re almost done, too.

      We bought a juicer last year, and I’m really looking forward to making and freezing some blackcurrant juice concentrate. It’s full of vitamins, and I loved drinking it last winter. Our tiny raspberry bush is also soon ready to be harvested.

  24. Turtle Dove*

    Sudoku fans: What do you do to improve your skills? Is it even important to improve?

    I’ve been playing for years, and I love how Sudoku scratches my mathy itch. But I kinda stink at it! I often make mistakes, and I haven’t moved beyond the intermediate level. Advanced puzzles are usually too hard for me to solve.

    I tried watching some YouTube videos a year or two ago, but I didn’t understand the fancier techniques I saw. Maybe it’s time to dig in and work harder. On the other hand, I’m not very competitive, and I don’t want to spoil my pleasure by turning this into work.

    What have you watched, read, or tried that helped you learn advanced solving techniques without losing your spark to play?

    1. Koala dreams*

      I wrote an answer to you but it posted in the wrong place (further down). I also solve sudokus but I mostly practice by doing. I’ve also tried kakuro puzzles.

    2. Three in the corner*

      I like the YouTube channel Cracking the Cryptic; they’re typically very careful to explain the techniques they use, which gets a bit repetitive for regular watchers but is helpful for new ones. They have been solving two puzzles a day since the start of the pandemic so there are a lot of videos there! Most of them are variant sudokus, but there are some featuring classic sudoku if that’s all you’re interested in.
      I can’t honestly say I watch them to improve my own sudoku skills though – I just find Simon’s enthusiasm and genuine admiration for the more complicated puzzles entertaining.

      1. Turtle Dove*

        That’s a channel I watched before, and I liked Simon’s skill, enthusiasm, and calm. But I often didn’t understand his explanations and felt dumb. Usually math concepts come easily to me. Maybe I’ll watch again with a goal of learning one new technique. Thanks!

        1. Gyne*

          There’s never been any math in Sudoku puzzles I’ve done, though, maybe that’s why? The numbers could be anything – letters, colors, pictures, etc. “Good at math” and “good at Sudoku” can both exist but they aren’t related.

          1. Turtle Dove*

            Maybe logic is a better word than math here. For me the two go hand in hand. There’s one technique I’m thinking of that involves an intersecting row and column that both need the same two numbers. Simon said (!) there’s a way to figure out what goes where, but I didn’t understand.

    3. Teapot Translator*

      I also love Sudoku and I also tried to watch YouTube videos about more advanced techniques, and I just gave up. Sudoku soothes my brain (old coping mechanism for anxiety that’s now under control). Like you, I don’t want to add competitiveness to it. I play it on my phone so I can choose the level I want.

      1. Turtle Dove*

        I find Sudoku soothing too! Sometime I can play with part of my brain as I tease out an emotional challenge with the other part. But I prefer just focusing on the game until I’m relaxed or even drowsy.

    4. RagingADHD*

      I play to relax my brain, so putting a lot of effort into getting faster / better would defeat the purpose.

      I find that I have become faster and better at it over time, just from playing a lot. I just stop if I’m stuck and start a new one.

    5. fposte*

      I started Sudoku just to give my brain something new to grapple with. I really enjoyed it to a point but then I hit a wall when you essentially had to create more complicated math problems to solve the puzzles. I have gone sideways into Killer Sudoku, which is *very* misleadingly named, IMHO, as I think it’s easier; it brings in an added solving dimension so it feels less like grinding and gives me more variety in solving strategies.

      1. Pennyworth*

        I’ve recently started Addoko, and really enjoy the mental arithmetic that it involves.

    6. SockKnitter*

      Do you use notes? I play on my phone, which has a “notes” function that doesn’t enter an actual number, just a tiny one. When I was solving the paper ones, I’d write in tiny numbers and erase them when I had my answer. This is helpful because you don’t have to retain in your head that “one of these two boxes is a 2.” It’s also helpful when you look at a row or column, because the notes can help the process of elimination.

      The other suggestion is to make sure you’re alternating between trying to fill in a set of squares, fill in a column, and fill in a row.

      Don’t give up on the harder puzzles, remember that every box you fill in makes that puzzle a little bit easier! While I don’t think it’s important to improve, I have noticed that I play the easy mode puzzles less because they’re less challenging. I still play them, though, depending on my mood. What’s important is the enjoyment of the puzzle. :)

      1. Turtle Dove*

        I play on paper puzzles. I do use notes unless it’s a super simple puzzle, and then part of the challenge is doing it without notes. You’re so right about picking a difficulty level by mood! I do that all the time.

    7. Turtle Dove*

      Thanks, everyone! It’s good to hear that others keep their Sudoku play low-key. I appreciate your tips too.

      1. Chris in Scotland*

        The book Teach Yourself Advanced Sudoku and Kakuro, by Nick Afka Thomas, helped me with more advanced techniques. The WPF sudoku grand prix is a great source of harder sudoku and sudoku variants.

    8. KristinaL*

      When I have a hard time with a Sudoku puzzle, I open up Excel, where I have a file that’s set up for me to type up what’s in the puzzle and room in each empty space to put in the numbers that could be there. That can help a lot by itself.

      If you have a row where 2 spaces can only be 2 specific values, then nothing else in that row can use either of those values, so that can solve some squares.

    9. just some guy*

      I use an app (“Enjoy Sudoku :) Sudoku +”) which has been pretty helpful in improving my game. It lets me pick the difficulty, has options for “pencil” (mark off which numbers might still be possible in a given cell) and colouring for more advanced play, and a pretty good hint function – if I get stuck I can ask for a hint, and it will tell me something like “look for an XY-Wing”, though I might have to follow a link to find exactly what an “XY-Wing” means. If I’m still stuck, then I can ask it to show me the XY-Wing.

      I worked through the lower difficulties until I was comfortable with the techniques used at those levels, then moved up one level at a time. Each new level normally involves only a couple of new techniques so I don’t have to learn too much all at much.

      It also has a camera option so I can point the phone at a magazine sudoku and work through it on my phone.

  25. Pocket Mouse*

    As this is a time of year when young adults might head off to college in another state, I’m resharing a story of (accidentally, then intentionally) changing the sex marker on my driver’s license without any hassle, in case it is useful to anyone out there!

    I’m a cis woman, and one time when getting a new license (moved states, applying with my previous state’s driving abstract) I had a brain fart and marked the wrong (for me) box for sex on the license application. I didn’t notice until days later and got a full-on license showing me as male. Apparently nothing was flagged as contradicting my previous paperwork, either in giving me a provisional paper license, or for producing the real deal a few weeks later.

    And then, to change it, I just walked back into the DMV and said there was a mistake on my new license, could we get it fixed, and pointed to my license with “see, the gender marker is wrong”. It was fixed. Quickly. And apparently based on how my gender came across, since the clerk initially thought I was talking about the organ donor piece and went searching for my paperwork to demonstrate I was in the wrong, but when I clarified I was talking about the sex marker, she stopped searching and was like ‘oh yeah, we’ll fix that now’. (To paint a fuller picture, I’m queer and not super feminine- my hair was a moderately unisex few inches long at the time. I hadn’t been misgendered recently but had been a handful of times in the past when it was even shorter. This took place in an overall queer/trans-friendly city and state.)

    Anyone else with hassle-free, getting-around-oppressive-bureaucracy stories welcome to share too!

    1. Even in VA?!*

      I’m in Virginia and much to my surprise, they have a gender marker option for nether male nor female, AND it is actually called “Non-binary” (how on earth an actual queer term got on the list, as opposed to just “Other” or “Not Specified” or “X” I have no idea), AND I changed it on my license with a quick online form. The whole process literally involved selecting it from a drop-down list, and I got a new license sent to me, just like if I’d updated my address.

    2. Jay*

      Also the DMV, years ago in CA. Hubs and I had lived in CA for several years and then spent about ten months in CO before moving back. I moved by myself and he followed. I needed our DMV records to get car insurance in CA and decided to get my license changed back while I was at it. The DMV worker figured out that my CA license wouldn’t have expired so instead of making me do the whole new-license bit (including a test) she simply issued me a replacement of my earlier license. Then I requested both our driving records and hit a snag because hubs and I don’t have the same last name, and in CA there’s a law restricting who can get DMV records because an actress was murdered by someone who tracked her that way. Anyway. I was willing to go home and get the marriage certificate but the woman at the DMV said “I can see you’ve had the same address for the past 8 years and had a car registered in both your names. If you’re not married to him, you’re clearly connected in some way. I’ll do it.” And she figured out how to let me pay for three separate transactions with one check (1991 – they didn’t take plastic and I didn’t have cash or another check).

      Best DMV clerk EVER.

    3. just another queer reader*

      I’ve lived in several cities as an adult and gotten a library card in each. It’s very easy! Shout-out to librarians.

      1. Girasol*

        Yes! Thanks to our librarians, who in the covid lockdown would cheerfully renew a card by phone so I could keep checking out ebooks with Libby.

      2. Generic Name*

        You don’t even have to live in the city/county to get a library card! I have cards to 3 different library systems in my area.

      3. JK78*

        Interesting, when I went to college in Y2k, the new college town already had a JK with a library cary and I had to be JLK instead for the system to work. No amount of saying I just moved there and wasn’t related to the other JK (found out later she’s my grandpa’s brother’s grandkid’s wife, so like 2nd cousin-in-law??) helped in any way. I was disappointed, I’m not fond of being referred to as JLK. I don’t think I really needed/wanted to ever check out a book from there. I’m much happier at my current location that allows me to be referred to as JK78 and not just JK.

    4. just another queer reader*

      I know this varies by state, but where I live, it’s very easy to register to vote in advance of an election!

      You can also register at the polling place the day of the election. How easy that is depends greatly on what documentation you have with your name and address on it. Drivers license with your current name and address = super easy! Renting but not on the lease and no utilities in your name? We can usually do it if one of your roommates can vouch for you.

    5. Cendol*

      Thanks for this! I do know the humorous story of a fellow trans person who waited until his beard had grown out, then went back to the DMV, pointed at the sex marker on his license, and said, “This is a mistake.” Changed instantly, no questions asked, and with many apologies. This was in a state and at a time when extensive documentation was needed.

      Alas for me, I do not have a full beard and will probably have to go to the DMV with some supporting paperwork (my state requires that you fill out a form; no physician or therapist letter required, at least).

  26. IndyDem*

    Anyone here read military sci-fi? Looking to find a new series. On last weeks thread, in the sci-fi/ fantasy book post, Red Reader the Adulting Fairy had suggested the October Daye series which is scratching my urban fantasy itch, (currently on book 8) so I thought I’d try to scratch my other literary itch. I’m familiar with most of the Baen authors, but other suggestions would be most welcome.

    1. Road warrior*

      Peter Grant, JL Curtis, Marko Kloos all publish pretty entertaining Mil-SF. Dorothy Grant does Tactically Correct Romances in an SF setting.

    2. Llellayena*

      Try the Firebird Series by Kathy Tyers. There’s a definite military bent to the characters though there’s an even stronger religious theme (feels heavily like Judaism). The two primary characters meet in a space battle.

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Well, if that one worked, I’ll try again :) The Worldwar series by Harry Turtledove. It’s alt history crossed with military sci-fi, in that the main thrust of the series is that aliens invade during WWII. And the most frequent complaint I hear about Turtledove is that, since he’s a military historian by trade, some people I’ve recommended him to find that he gets a bit bogged down in the military details, but if you’re specifically looking for military sci-fi that probably won’t be an issue.

      First book is called “In The Balance” – there’s a quadrilogy that covers the actual war, then a trilogy that covers the semi-immediate aftermath and one more book that’s like 100 years later, so eight books altogether.

    4. GoryDetails*

      Military sci-fi isn’t my favorite sub-genre, but I have enjoyed a few – including Jack Campbell’s “Lost Fleet” series beginning with Dauntless. Its premise: the hero of a huge battle from a century ago is found still alive in a suspension-pod, and is revived in hopes that he’ll lead the current forces against the enemy that they’ve been battling all this time. But to the hero himself it’s been mere days since he lost his entire command, and he’s having a lot of trouble settling in to this new time period – and to his near-godlike reputation, which he’s not at all happy about. There’s a lot of detail about space-battles and how to allow for the vast distances, high speeds, and other factors – quite gritty in places.

      I’ve also enjoyed entries from Keith Laumer’s “Bolo” series – though I’m fonder of the short stories than the novels, for the most part. It deals with the BOLOs, sentient AI-driven war-tanks, and can be surprisingly touching when it isn’t over-the-top destructive!

    6. Double A*

      Hm, I’m not really sure what military sci Fi is, but The Expanse series has some military elements.

    7. military sci fi recs*

      Old Man’s War, by John Scalzi (follow up the Ghost Brigades is also good). Scalzi describes it as “Starship Troopers with old people” –– so yeah, it’s good, fairly lighthearted but w/ the potential to pack some real punch thematically, esp. in Ghost Brigades

      1. Joielle*

        I was coming to recommend this too! It’s a six-book series now. I just finished the third one and bought the last three. Great books.

    9. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Tangentially what you are talking about… “You Sexy Thing” by Cat Rambo. This is a group of veterans trying to legally get out of further military service by running a restaurant, in pursuit of Art.

    10. Lady Alys*

      Tanya Huff wrote a series about Staff Sgt Torin Kerr. I can’t speak to their military accuracy but they are really funny.

    11. Mephyle*

      The Paksenarion series by Elizabeth Moon. Paks is a mercenary whom we first meet when she joins a mercenary army as soon as she is old enough to leave home. We follow her through basic training and into battle. A lot of behind-the-scenes on-the-ground views of the practical aspects of maintaining and supplying an army, as well as battle strategy and drama, and shifting politics in the world of the story.
      I wouldn’t call myself a military sci-fi fan, but I found this series fascinating. Of the other ones mentioned here so far, I’ve read The Expanse and Old Man’s War and found them very good.

    13. The Person from the Resume*

      Walter Jon Williams’ Praxis / Dread Empire Falls is military naval sci fi and space opera.

      There are 2 trilogies separated by 2 more character focused books. The first book was written in 2003 and the 3rd book in the second trilogy will be published in September.

      I’m not actually a huge military sci fi fan especially not naval based sci fi, but WJW does a great job with making the relavatisic speeds fit. Space battles may be ships firing missiles where they expect the enemy to be in 2 days time or making course changes days out based on what you expect your enemy to do.

      I initially picked it up because I enjoy WJW work and I was intrigued by the idea. Humans have been part of interspecies empire for 1000s of years. It’s a very class based empire ruled over by immortal aliens, the Shaa. Humans are equal with the other aliens in the empire. The final Shaa commits suicide and the empire is left to run without them. There comes a civil war where we follow a poor, low ranked peer in the officer ranks trying to make it on merit in a military that relies on patronage and not merit. And a junior officer woman from a disgraced high peer family (who actually an imposter ).

      The thing is the “dread empire” is clearly the Shaa, but not has actually yet realized how wrong they were yet. They were viewed as gods and their Praxis as a religious text. The human main characters are using innovation and creativity to fight those aliens who still follow the rules of Praxis to the letter. But they’re still so inside the system some different and not so classist hasn’t occurred to them yet, but I think that’s coming.

  27. Chestnut Mare*

    Hopefully this isn’t too medically but I’m wondering if anyone can recommend products or techniques that helped them recover from a knee replacement. I am facing one much sooner than I expected due to some conformation issues and a lifetime of high-impact activity. Thanks!

    1. Jay*

      I’m 3 years out from mine and SO GLAD I DID IT. Which I wouldn’t have predicted in the first week. I bought a refreezable ice pack that could be wrapped around my knee and I wish I’d had two so I could have kept one in the freezer while I was using the other – ice was a huge help. I borrowed a walker from a friend and used it for the first few days – it had a basket, which was good because it meant I could carry my book or whatever. I started doing basic simple range of motion exercises the day I got home on the orthopedist’s instructions

      I also did “prehab” – I met with a physical therapist before I had surgery and learned a lot about how to protect my knee post-op and recover quickly. And as soon as I was cleared I got in the pool at my gym. They have a therapy pool – it’s warm water and comes up about to my waist, so I could walk and do my some of my PT exercises there. It was good for my mood as well as my body.

    2. Anon5775*

      There’s some sort of device to circulate ice water around the knee to help with swelling but people seem to either love it or hate it. Good luck!

      1. Ins mom*

        Rent or borrow one of these-don’t buy it until/unless you know for sure it works for you. Do a test ride in the car that will bring you home-you don’t want the frustration of trial and error getting in and out post-surgery.

      2. Dancing Otter*

        Even if it works for you, it takes a LOT of ice. A standard apartment refrigerator freezer compartment couldn’t support it.

        1. Little Miss Sunshine*

          Pro tip – buy the mini bottles of water and freeze those, then put 4-5 in the tank with the water instead of ice cubes. You can easily rotate the bottles so you always have frozen ones, and the frozen bottles last much longer than ice cubes.

    3. MissGirl*

      I didn’t do knee replacement but full ACL replacement. I put my bike on a stand, which really helped rehab. I had a ice wrap that strapped around my knee so I could walk and stay iced.

      Embrace athleisure wear and buy really good shoes with strong support. Do your PT. I bought a few max skirts so I didn’t have to constantly wrap my brace around pants.

    4. londonedit*

      You’ll be told this eight million times but absolutely 100% make sure you do all the physio exercises and walking that you need to do. Don’t listen to anyone who throws their hands up in horror and ask why you aren’t resting. Doing the exercise as prescribed is absolutely key to getting a full range of movement in the new knee – it’s a lot of work but it’ll be worth it in the long run. So make sure your pain management is sorted because you’ll need to be relatively pain-free to get the physio done. My mum had a knee replacement about 18 months ago and has seen a world of difference!

      She also bought ice packs to go around her knee – anything touching it was too painful but squishy gel ice packs that would mould around the shape of her leg were really helpful in the first few days/weeks.

      1. Elle Woods*

        I second all of this. My dad had his knee replaced about three years ago and did all the recommended pre- and post-op exercises plus six weeks of physical therapy. My uncle had his done about the same time, didn’t do the prescribed exercises, and has had an awful outcome (mostly pain and limited range of motion).

      2. Chestnut Mare*

        I do intend to be 100% compliant with PT. I am doing PT now to prepare and I am allowed to do physical activity as tolerated – I really can’t make it worse.

      3. Pennyworth*

        Seconding the exercise stuff – I used to spend a lot of time in a hydrotherapy pool over several years and and met many people exercising in the pool after knee replacement. Without exception those who did best were diligent about following their exercise regimes. Extra walking and even stair climbing seemed to pay dividends.

    5. Falling Diphthong*

      When my daughter had her ACL surgery they emphasized pre-op PT to strengthen everything she was going to be relying on post-op. Really seemed to help.

    6. Susie*

      Thanks for this question! A family friend is getting a knee replacement soon and I want to put together a care package.

      1. Chestnut Mare*

        Good luck to them! I am dreading this but know I’ll come to appreciate it when it’s behind me.

    7. Imtheone*

      I had two total knee replacements. Icing a lot helps so much with pain. I couldn’t refill the electric knee ice recirculator myself, but luckily my husband was able to be home a lot in the first two weeks. Icing my knee helped decrease the need for pain meds. After the first two weeks or so, non-narcotic meds worked pretty well.
      Pre-exercise sounds good. My doctor discouraged it since he was worried about reaching the limit on insurance for PT.
      Definitely do the post-surgery exercises.
      I found sitting in a chair to be very painful (I’m short, so almost all chairs are too high and don’t provide enough thigh support. We finally, for the second surgery, bought a tray for eating in bed.
      My bed was also hard to manage, and I needed the support of the bed in the sitting position since none of the chairs worked. We rented a hospital bed for downstairs and added some egg crate mattress pads as those mattresses are often pretty poor.
      I read about keeping your cellphone with you to use to call for emergencies. I used a travel over the neck passport pouch sine my lounge clothes had poor pockets.
      You can use an ironing board to be a kind of hospital-type table to keep all your things to hand. Walk around and exercise, but then be comfortable when you rest.

    8. Bethlam*

      My 1st knee is 12 years old and my 2nd one is 10 years old. Absolutely the best thing was my stationary bikes. My husband bought them at yard sales/auctions before my first surgery and I had them in different rooms in front of TVs and one in the garage (he worked shifts and they squeaked a bit).

      I was fierce with my pt and I can do everything I did before my knees got bad (except kneel on a hard floor). Best decision ever.

    9. LNLN*

      Ice/chill your knee as directed by your doc to help control pain and swelling. Take pain meds as prescribed so you are comfortable and able to do the PT. My best tip is related to keeping your knee elevated when you are in bed. Rather than just pile up pillows, which then slip around and get lower, I found a way oversized pillowcase and stuffed a bunch of pillows in it. The pillows stayed together and my knee stayed elevated. Wishing you well!

      1. Chestnut Mare*

        Thanks; I have a wedge pillow in my Amazon cart but I think I’ll get it soon. Elevating my leg does help me sleep.

    10. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      I have not (yet) needed a knee replacement, but what I use for icing my trying-not-to-replace-it-yet arthritic knee is a regular rectangular gel ice pack (I have about 4 of them) wrapped in a long, wide scarf made with thin fabric so I can tie it around my knee.

      1. Chestnut Mare*

        Good idea. I would like to put this off but my surgeon said he can see signs that I’m compensating and it’s affecting my hips and other leg. It really is time, as much as I wish it weren’t.

    11. Fluff*

      I highly recommend one of these – sort of larger waist bag, or a waiter/waitress multi pocket belt you can wear. Apparently I am a connossior of new ACLs (have a pair) and this little waist bag thing was perfect. Big enough for a snacks, a book, pens, etc.

      https://www.amazon.com/Dickies-Work-Gear-57080-5-Pocket/dp/B00GBR9RCS/ref=sr_1_2?crid=2QINRV3RKLCCL&keywords=waist%2Bpocket%2Bpouch%2Bwork&qid=1659840325&sprefix=waist%2Bpocket%2Bpouch%2Bwork%2Caps%2C78&sr=8-2&th=1

  28. Laura H.*

    Little Joys Thread

    What brought you joy this week?

    I’ve been making a Friday habit that I think I really like. It gets me out of the house and out of my own head. Plus the weather has been decent.

    Please share your joys.

    1. onebitcpu*

      Two things:
      Pokemon Go and cycling. At lunch time when it’s not raining I hop on my mountain bike and do the rounds of a couple of parks for 40 minutes, and play Pokemon Go.
      I found that having a “destination” makes it easier to get out and go as opposed to it just being a ride around the neighborhood.

      The second is a cheap RC 4×4 car from amazon. I picked it up after watching way too many off-road recovery videos. When I need a break from work, or when I’m long meetings, I will pop out onto my deck, and drive the car around.

    2. The Cosmic Avenger*

      Our new 3-month old kittens!! They are just rambunctious enough, but also will nap with us for over an hour sometimes, and unlike most of our rescues, we got them as kittens surrendered to a rescue/foster agency, so they’re very well socialized and, if anything, a little TOO trusting of people! (We had tried to adopt older, harder to adopt cats before, and while it did work out really well, this is just a refreshing change.)

      They are just too cute, I’m going to put a link to a pic in a reply to this.

        2. fposte*

          It is not just you. Mind you, ugly kittens are pretty few and far between, but those are seriously cute.

    3. fposte*

      I have started playing recorder duets with myself by recording one part and playing against it and it is insanely fun.

    4. Hotdog not dog*

      Zucchini season is here! I made chocolate chip zucchini muffins for breakfast today, and it was like having cake for breakfast. Yum!

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        One of my husband’s coworkers is growing zucchini, possibly for the first time, so there is a lot of zucchini in our lives.

    6. Jean Pargetter Hardcastle*

      My family has started playing “two truths and a lie about my day” at dinner, and it’s been so fun. My spouse loves to talk all about their day and ask us all about our days, but neither my child nor I particularly likes to rehash our days, and we tend to just say “it was fine” when asked how our day was. This has been such a nice compromise for what we all like, and it’s just a delightful little perk in our evening routine.

    7. Texan In Exile*

      We saw the Raptor demonstration at the Wisconsin State Fair (thank you, Schlitz Audubon and WE Energies!).

      After showing us an owl, a turkey vulture, a bald eagle, and a peregrine falcon, the presenter showed us their crow, Loki, and explained that crows are very smart.

      “Loki will take your donation,” she said, “and place it in our donation box.”

      People lined up to give one and five dollar bills to the crow! And Loki did indeed stuff those bills into the box! It was a brilliant ask!

      1. OyHiOh*

        Somewhere in Europe – I want to say Stockholm Sweden, but I may be wrong – a research team taught a handful of crows to pick up cigarette butts dropped on city streets. The crows get a small food reward every time they put a butt into a special container. The handful who were human trained then proceeded to teach every other crow they met how to complete the same task. The possibilities are endless!

        In my neck of the woods, we have ALL the corvids (crows, ravens, magpies oh my). If we’d teach them all specific clean up tasks (magpies particularly like shiny things) we’d hardly have any public trash issues at all.

      2. GoryDetails*

        They did that at a local zoo – I really loved seeing the birds up close (not least the eagle, who would fly right at the crowd before lifting up and over, and the flight of macaws who did a circle outside the amphitheater and then back to their trainer’s arms), and they also had a crow (or possibly a raven) who would take the donations as you describe. I saw lots of people just emptying their wallets of singles to keep “feeding” the bird!

    8. OyHiOh*

      I have terrible luck with juried art shows but I just found out a piece I entered in my state fair’s fine arts competition passed jury and will show at the fair – in the professional category at that.

      I more properly belong in the emerging class (I don’t make “the majority of my income from the sale of art” nor do I have a degree in art) but, ego speaking here, the emerging artist class isn’t as competitive and if I’m going to show, I want to do so in a truly competitive class. I don’t even care if I get a ribbon or not at this point. My piece got accepted by the jury, and will show to the hundreds of thousands who will filter through the state fair grounds next month.

    9. Bunny Girl*

      We had a slight dip in the heat wave and I was able to escape out to a hiking trail after work that I usually avoid due to crowds and to my delight, there wasn’t a single soul there! I managed to get a great walk in with my dog and about midway through the path I just happened to glance to my right and saw through the trees a beautiful turkey hen with her chick perched on a branch beside her. It was a beautiful and quiet moment that I’m glad I got to enjoy.

    10. the cat's ass*

      went camping with the GS troop and it wasn’t awful. and that first shower when you get back, aaaah.

    11. AGD*

      I have started deliberately blocking off times to go to the biggest of my local parks. It is a treasure!

    12. The Last to Know*

      I stumbled upon the internet story of a country music group who appeared on “America’s Got Talent.” Inspired by Dolly Parton’s song “Jolene,” they reconsidered the situation and decided, “You Can Have Him, Jolene.” Not as good as Dolly’s song, it a clever and fun follow-up to a country classic.

      2. The Last to Know*

        I tried to post a link to their video on YouTube, but the website won’t accept it. You can google it by typing in the name of the group, “Chapel Hart” and the song title, “You Can Have Him Jolene.”

      3. Chauncy Gardener*

        Oh my gosh. I LOVE that group. They’re great and I really hope they succeed! That lead singer has SUCH a voice. She just opens up her mouth like it’s falling off a log.

        Ooop! My Southern is showing, isn’t it? lol

    13. Falling Diphthong*

      Salt chicken. New appetizer at the Chinese restaurant at the end of the rail trail, we gave it a shot, and My. Word. Like some cosmic union of fried chicken and potato chips.

    14. StellaBella*

      my joys include this thread – thank you Laura H. … and in last 3 weeks I have seen Thor Love and Thunder and tonight Bullet Train. Highly recommend both. Also I did some gardening today, and got a new to me phone set up. And I saw the trailer for Wakanda Forever and I cannot wait to see that!

      1. allathian*

        I’m really looking forward to Wakanda Forever and The Marvels. Ms. Marvel is second only to Loki on my list of favorite Marvel shows.

    15. Seeking Second Childhood*

      One big thing, one little thing.
      This summer my teenager volunteered at a camp for disabled children. Not only did they enjoy it, the camp director has asked them to apply for a full-summer job as counselor next year–such a confidence booster!
      And on a simpler note, the store has had delicious peaches for 3 weeks.

      1. Laura H.*

        As a disabled now adult who has fond memories of a similar camp, please thank your daughter for me! People like her are a big reason I have fond memories of my camp time!

    16. GoryDetails*

      My first heirloom tomato of the season, from my garden: variety “ananas noire,” with a dark red/purple exterior and a kind of tie-dye interior. I had it plain, with a touch of salt, and it was lovely!

    17. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Got through one med procedure safely (and with good results) this week. One more on Monday, after which, all going well, I will feel very relieved.

    18. Hotdog not dog*

      I have another one. I checked out When Women Were Dragons by Kelly Barnhill from the library this morning. I am almost at the end, and it’s one of those books that makes me wish it were longer at the same time I can’t wait to finish it.

    21. WoodswomanWrites*

      I’ve avoided bodywork due to the pandemic and finally dipping my toe into looking for a massage therapist to address my body being out of whack. I’m psyched that in my search for someone local, I discovered a former neighbor whom I completely trust has a practice just a couple miles from me.

    22. Voluptuousfire*

      Had an on-site at the place we don’t mention Olin the weekend threads. Was a fantastic trip.

      My flight home was delayed 2.5 hours but a corgi was on my flight. His owner sat behind me, so he sat under the seat and he sniffed my ankles. That kinda made my week. :)

    24. M&M Mom*

      Took a day trip to Newport RI to escape the city heat today! Went to Doris Duke’s mansion- beautiful views!

    25. allathian*

      My son went to school camp last week, 3 days to get to know his new middle school homeroom teacher and classmates. He came back with some really positive experiences. So I’m hoping his first days at school this week will be just as great.

  29. AnonAcademic*

    Does anyone recommend a brand of handheld, cordless vacuum cleaner that you really like? (We had a DustBuster growing up; I need something like that for grabbing the occasional cat hair tumbleweed!)

    1. Still*

      I’ll be following the responses to this.

      My current hand-held vacuum cleaner doesn’t have very strong suction and it’s not any good at vacuuming edges and corners, there’s always some dirt left along the baseboards, whether I use the whole hoover or just the hand-held part.

      I’d love to get one that can properly reach all those crevices!

    2. Cookie*

      An earlier thread was trashing Dyson, but my experience with a Dyson V7 (refurb I bought on a site where you buy refurbs) has been fine for several years. In my new house I use it just for quick pickups, removing cat hair from the sofa, etc. but in my smaller previous apartment it was my only vacuum, since it comes with lots of attachments and has really good suction. On low suction the battery lasts 20 minutes (nice for vacuuming the couch, some curtains, etc) and on high suction I get maybe 5-6 minutes before it has to recharge. It was a huge step up from a crappy Hoover upright I’d been using before.

      Dyson now has a V8 that’s supposed to be awesome for pet hair, but my V7 captures all the cat hair from a comb-out just fine.

      1. londonedit*

        I have a Dyson V7 Motorhead (or Mötörhead, it’s mandatory to sing Ace of Spades while using it) and it’s great. I don’t like James Dyson’s politics but annoyingly his hoover is exactly what I need for my small flat. It’ll hoover the whole place with the stick attachment but it also works brilliantly as a hand-held one for small jobs and for doing the car.

        1. UKDancer*

          Also a fan of Dyson. His vacuum cleaners are brilliant and work really well for my carpets and floors. I disagree with him and his politics on pretty much everything but he makes really good vacuum cleaners. I’ve also got a Dyson fan and it’s saving my life during this heatwave because it’s so quiet and works really well.

    3. KatEnigma*

      Dust Buster still is in existence. We have two of them, slightly different, and the older one (no more than 3 years old) does work somewhat better than the one I bought in January. They both DO work, though- and better than alternatives.

    4. Alan*

      We’ve got the Dyson v15detect. On the downside, it’s an obscene amount to spend on a vacuum. But we’ve got a lab that sheds, and a daughter with OCD, and the pet hair really bothers her, so we did it. I am actually amazed. It picks up pet hair better than our corded Shark, has tons of attachments for the sofa etc., and it’s so easy and convenient that everyone in the family now vacuums voluntarily :-). My experience with cordless products has generally been bad, but we’ve also got a cordless mower now, which is also terrific. Tech has really improved for cordless products.

    5. The Prettiest Curse*

      I have a Shark vacuum that’s specifically designed for pet hair. It was relatively expensive, but it’s lightweight and works well. The battery life isn’t great, but they have newer models that have fixed that issue.

    6. Emily*

      Also voting for the Dyson handheld! I use it multiple times a day (two kids under two will do that to you) and it’s held up great

    7. ThatGirl*

      I have a Shark Rocket IX142, it can be used as an upright or handheld. Less than a Dyson and often on sale at Kohls.

  30. Koala dreams*

    Some sudoku magazines have sections with tips, I read those when I first started doing sudokus. Other than that, I just practice by doing. I try to keep track of which numbers I’m already finished with (for example all 9s or whatever). I have bad days and good days, sometimes I give up and try an easier one. If I find a mistake, I usually have to erase everything and start over, or give up and try another one. Some weeks I take a break from the whole sudoku thing.

    Have you tried kakuro puzzles? They also use numbers.

  31. You can join me on my lawn if you want*

    Is there anyone who feels like they can’t be bothered to keep up with the times?

    I’m in my 30s but have always been involved with activities populated by people two or three times my age, and even as a teenager it never occurred to me to keep up with clothes, pop-culture, or technology. Since college I’ve rejected social media, I still use a flip-phone, dislike texting apart from for logistics, etc. I would have seriously looked at joining a Plain sect (Mennonite, etc.) if not for their religions beliefs and conservative social values that I don’t hold. I feel like my orientation to the world has, for whatever reason, remained largely unchanged since I came of age. Most of my friends happen to be over 60, just because we have a more similar approach and not because of any intention — in fact, the opposite!

    This past week it occurred to me that my peers are probably not *trying* to keep up with the times, whereas I don’t put in the effort, they just…*do* keep current, year by year, as time goes by and so they are still current today. And that trend will, no doubt, continue over the next decades of our lives.

    I know the older people I care about will die long before I do (with any luck), and that’s just how it goes. Last week, the first of them passed away, and so I’ve been thinking about this more. It’s going to be a bit like older people, whose friends are also old, and one by one pass away, because that’s the stage of life they’re in.

    Surely most other young people also have older relatives, or mentors, or friends, and this isn’t anything unique. But most young people also have peers, a group of “current” friends who will age along with them. For whatever reason I haven’t developed that set of peer friends, and can see that the world will continue to change in future decades just as much as it did in past decades. Older people of course often feel left behind, but their old peers also feel the same way! I am feeling nervous about the end-game here for my own life, since I can see my past trend and future trajectory, as these older friends are no more and as the continually-modern world diverges ever more from its present state.

    Does anyone else feel in the same situation, and how do you see your future working out? Do any older people have a perspective on this that I’m missing?

    1. fposte*

      Yes, if you have older friends you do endure the sadness of seeing them go long before you’re ready to lose them. But I think it’s good to have friends of various ages, and I don’t know that keeping abreast of clothing trends is crucial for anybody. One thing I found really valuable pre-retirement in working extensively with younger people is getting their perspectives on a lot of things that they’re the front wave for. It’s certainly exposed me to important changes in ways of thinking about identity, but also just things like the prominence of gaming in a lot of lives. It’s helped me get away from the “my life is normal and therefore will always be lived the same way” rut that I think it’s easy to fall into.

      It also seems like you might have a readymade opportunity to diversify–you’re now ready to move into the mentor role to younger people that other people were to you.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        I agree with fposte! Having friends and people you spend time with of all ages is great. If you’re in academia, OP, you do indeed have a ready-made opportunity to learn from your students. You don’t have to do exactly what they do or like exactly what they like, but it’s good to know the kinds of things they’re into and how they think about the world.

        I appreciate hearing current slang from students and at least knowing something about the next generation’s norms. I also learned a LOT from an all-ages LGBTQ+ music group, especially about various identities that weren’t named the same thing or publicized that much back when I was young. Also, playing current music in that group turned me on to a lot of pop music after 1990 (which is about when my musical knowledge ends). I didn’t go out and buy the albums (download the streams? what do people do nowadays?) but I now have the thrill of enjoying Muzak more because I know the songs!

        I am so sorry about the loss of your friend, OP. It is hard, because I’m a lot like you (flip phones forever!), but I do want to try to make some more close friends who are younger. The older people I know who lived until their 90s have all said to me at some point, “All my friends are dead.” If I’m lucky enough to live a long time, I don’t want to feel like I’m in that situation.

    2. RagingADHD*

      I’m sorry about your friend.

      There are a lot of things that people of all ages do, that don’t require social media and don’t change that fast: sports, music, gardening, art / crafting, book clubs, card or board games, hiking and camping…the list goes on and on.

      Perhaps you are seeing a narrowing of your social circle and attributing it to one thing, when it may be more about simply not meeting enough people. Or perhaps you live in an area where there are disproportionately more older people, so all the hobby groups tend to be older.

      You might find some like-minded peers in minimalist or intentional-simplicity groups, but those would be things you find first online and then meet up in person.

      I also wonder if you may have some idealism about your lifestyle and attach more significance to it than simply your preference. The comment that you’d join a Plain sect if it weren’t for the religion part is…off putting and comes off as rather dismissive. The religion part is the whole point, for folks in that community. So it sounds like there’s something in your mindset about this that could bear more examination. For example, are you open to make friends with people who share several interests or values in common and aren’t entirely invested in trendy things, but who don’t reject modernity completely?

      There could be a lot of reasons you’re not connecting with peers, and I don’t think simply being “out of the loop” explains it all. There are some other things you could consider, and maybe some different avenues to try meeting peers you can connect with on many different levels.

      I wish you the best!

    3. PollyQ*

      I think you’re combining two issues into one: the “keeping up” piece and the “peer group” piece. But they’re not the same thing. This statement isn’t universally true by any means:

      This past week it occurred to me that my peers are probably not *trying* to keep up with the times, whereas I don’t put in the effort, they just…*do* keep current, year by year, as time goes by and so they are still current today.

      Plenty of people aren’t much for pop culture, and plenty more hit mid-life and realize they don’t recognize any of the people on the covers of the supermarket tabloids and that all today’s music sounds the same, and certainly not as good as what WE listened to, back in the day! ;-)

      But none of that means you can’t have friends of your generation. I’m not great at making friends, myself, but I recommend you try different ways to reach out, e.g., volunteering, MeetUp, arts groups, religious communities. I think you’ll have a good shot at finding “your people.”

    4. Ellis Bell*

      What kinds of activities are we talking about? If it’s something that’s declining in popularity, then I’d be equally concerned about my social network disappearing and I’d be looking to get into more things that have a future footfall. If it’s just something that’s appealing to people who are older, or people who like to hang with those who are older, I think that’s less concerning. So far you’ve been friends with the former, as you age it may be the latter.

    5. Sundial*

      I actively go out of my way to stay current, even though it gets harder as decades pass. Dementia is strong in my family, and there is much research that shows that constantly learning and trying new things staves off brain loss. I’m not a slave to fashion, but I do keep a finger on pop media, actively look up memes and slang, teach myself tech as it becomes widespread, and so on. I think there’s a good balance to be had with a bit of effort.

      I also have a friend group that is unusually widespread in age in both directions, though that’s partially a byproduct of being purposely childfree and seeking out people who are CF as well.

    6. Cendol*

      For sure. I’m in my early 30s; my social media usage is limited to Instagram, and I use it as a photo album. I don’t have a peer group of friends, and I feel so disconnected, especially from pop culture, which is maybe not a great thing for someone trying to break into the writing world (how can I capture an audience if I have no idea what the audience wants? I’ve completely given up on trying to write YA, for example). I think it’s partly due to growing up without the internet, in a similar sort of quiet loneliness.

      I’m not really sure how this plays out, but my goals for myself are to try to find contentment in this weird little sphere. Rather than trying to keep up, I’m trying to find things that suit my particular interests, and accepting that there’s no need for peer friends when you can have friends of all ages! (Maybe this is a leftover mentality from our school years when we were expected to be with and befriend other people who were roughly the same age.) Maybe one day you’ll “age into” your group of “peer” friends, or find yourself in the mentor role to much younger friends.

      1. RagingADHD*

        Your can keep up on what the audience wants by reading new books and reading trade publications to see what’s being acquired and published.

        The tricky bit would be marketing books with no social media, but you can hire someone to do it for you, or use a scheduling tool to put up batches of posts without going down a rabbit hole online.

    7. Joielle*

      I’m 33 and have friends from 20s to 70s through my main hobby, gardening. I became a Master Gardener a few years ago and it’s a pursuit that attracts people of all ages! And I find that a lot of gardeners share my general philosophy/personality so it’s been a really good way to make friends. I think there are people your age who share similar (or at least compatible) views, you just have to find them the same way you’d make any friends – through hobby groups, classes, etc.

      For the rest… I’m more interested in “timeless” fashion so not really anything to keep up with there, just always on the hunt for classic, beautiful pieces I love. I am interested in technology so usually have a pretty up to date phone/computer/gadgets – but I definitely do not keep up with the latest social media apps. Too much work!

    8. Not So NewReader*

      Hmm. Just want to point out that you are reading here. For me, this space has done a lot to keep me current.

      For example, I do not have a cordless vac but a friend does. When she wanted me to help (probably thinking “NSNR is younger so she’d know), the only reason I could relate to the vac was because of stuff I read here.”
      I went on to learn first hand that I will not be buying a Dyson.

      I’d like to point out that some people stay current because they HAVE to. It could be because of jobs or it could be because of things family or friends are doing.

      There’s staying current because you want to and then there’s staying current because you HAVE to. I see plenty of people who keep current but only in certain areas. Ask them about something out of their area and they have no idea.

      FWIW I have a mix of older and younger friends. Each has something valuable that is uniquely theirs.
      Additionally, I took an online test (worth a whole 2 cents) that showed I am probably a Quaker at heart. Parts of your post resonated with me. I am interest in simple and cost effective ideas.

      ” I am feeling nervous about the end-game here for my own life, since I can see my past trend and future trajectory, as these older friends are no more and as the continually-modern world diverges ever more from its present state.”

      In direct answer to this, what I do is watch what goes on with my elders and try to set up something to ease my setting where possible. A stupid example, when I redid rooms in my house I tried to get the electrical boxes raised up higher so elderly me won’t have to bend and twist to plug things in. But in a more practical enduring example, I switched up my food intake- I started eating more veggies, I keep my hydration levels the same each day and I do other things that I am watching the older folk really wrestle with. I see when we get older it gets harder and harder to start new healthier habits. So I decided to start now.

      I have an older friend who struggles to remember to lock up her house at night. She had not locked the house all her life- now on her own it makes sense that she should. But because she never developed the habit it’s a big deal.

      I have seen several older women friends who never handled the finances. It’s a nightmare that involves crying for them. They have a checkbook but cannot write a check. Forget paying online- don’t even go there.

      If you see reason to dread the future now is the time to get some things in place so you are better positioned to handle it. You can do things to help yourself age more comfortably- their pitfalls do not have to be yours.

      The deep dark secret is that we have say in how our lives play out until our very last day. But we have to start now while we are younger.

      And one last thought. Just as you find the companionship of older people to be valuable to you, remind yourself that some day these roles will reverse and there will be a younger person taking an interest in you. Don’t be silly and skate right by that. Pay attention to younger people who show an interest in you. Keep them in your life where possible.

      I am 62 this year. When I was in my 30s I started feeling life unfolding before my eyes. I became aware that I was aging- but not in a negative way- I just noticed it that’s all. I thought if I do not get serious about my health, my surroundings and my well-being, then one day I will wake up and realize it’s too late. So I made some life changes in my 30s. I think these wake up calls serve a purpose. I don’t think it’s something to be overly worried about but I do think a response is in order.
      Start with your health. Where are the areas that you could work on? What do you want to work on?
      Next look at your home with the same questions.
      And last, look at things outside your home- your job, volunteer work, family relationships, friendships. And again, ask yourself what areas you want to work on.

    9. WellRed*

      I’m in my early 5os. I get this. I try to keep up to a certain point but honestly couldn’t give a fk about, say ticktock. Same with my same age friends.

    10. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      I’m in my early 40’s, and I’m in a similar situation. I look around at my main hobbies, and I’m often one of the youngest people there, and I worry about whether there will still be people doing these things as I get older, or if I’ll have to find new things to be interested in. I don’t really have any advice. I try to be a friendly face when new people show an interest in the hobby, but there have been some cultural shifts (unrelated to the larger culture wars issues, but explaining the specifics would narrow it down to my specific niche hobby too much) that mean that younger people tend not to seek out my specific little hobby since they tend to go a different direction given the same starting interests. (I am not interested in that direction particularly. I tried, but the specifics appeal to me less and it’s more commercial with haves and have nots and less community-focused with everyone being on the same level.)

      I worry that I’ll be left with archives of a thing no one is interested in and no one to talk about them with. I guess my plan is to find a new hobby if this one fades away completely, but there’s a real lack of specifics in that plan.

    12. Weekend Warrior*

      It’s an interesting challenge to sort out what you do want or need to keep up with and what you don’t, especially in terms of technology. When I was working, there was a natural constant tech upgrade process – and an IT department down the hall! As a retiree, I love stepping away from the computer for many things but I’m aware that not “keeping up” will have its consequences. My husband has a flip phone friend and now it’s a hassle to go to sports events with him as the arenas are using ticket apps exclusively. (They still have a “seniors” workaround if you know to ask for it.)
      One of my friends held out against using credit cards and ATM’s way back in the day but honestly all she did was make her life inconvenient and slightly delay the inevitable. Try booking travel without a credit card! Last time I was in London there were absolutely no public phone boxes and a cell phone with appropriate plan was very necessary.
      So my goal is to have a constant simple upgrade curriculum of my own so that I’m reasonably adept with current technology and aware of what might be coming. Right now I can still get a menu in a restaurant but I can see the day when using the QR on the phone will be necessary. :)
      Luddites weren’t against all technology, just against the use of it for exploitation. That seems like a good stance.

    13. ThatGirl*

      I’m probably too late for this but most Mennonites aren’t Plain. And many us us are pretty progressive! That said, you can live your life however you want!

  32. Irish Teacher*

    Research topics.

    If you did a thesis/final year college project/PhD/any other situation where you were required to choose your own topic and research and write about it, what did you choose?

    We had a final year project in college, worth two modules where we had to research a topic of choice and write a 6,000-10,000 word paper on it. I wrote about “Nationalism in the Poetry of Thomas Moore and Thomas Davis.” (And I now realise I need to clarify that in this context, “nationalism” means the move for independence and the creation of the idea of Ireland; it is NOT a nice word for racism or national supremacy.) Basically, I was writing about how their poetry created an idea of Ireland as a separate nation to the UK and convinced people to work towards Irish independence.

    1. Jay*

      Senior year of college, English/American studies: Jungian Analysis of the Images of Women in the Plays of Eugene O’Neill. It was a long time ago and I was completely clueless about what I was doing. I did not go on to a career in academia.

    2. Claire (Scotland)*

      I did my degree in Religious Studies. For my Honours year, I had to write a dissertation. I had been particularly interested in studying Hinduism/Sanatana Dharma and feminism in religion throughout my degree, so I chose to write mine on the changing representations of the feminine divine in Hinduism throughout time, from the Devi Mahatmya to modern Indian literature. I wrote around 25,000 words exploring these representations and their usage, and the various influences (social, spiritual, political etc.) which impacted them. This was in 1997.

    3. Dark Macadamia*

      The English senior seminar class the year I graduated focused on Pride and Prejudice. It was the best. The professor also taught film studies so we watched basically every movie adaptation, he brought in an Austen scholar to consult with all of us, some people were annoyed that it was so specific but I loved it lol. I did a close reading of the gender dynamics in the proposal scenes.

    4. Elizabeth West*

      English Literature major in my second round of college. For my capstone paper, I wrote about the dichotomy of light and dark via literary doubling in The Lord of the Rings. I chose it because I was annoyed that we never talked about or read Tolkien in any of my classes. To counter the repetitive and uninspired choice of Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein, I also wrote a paper on Dracula, one on horror literature in general, and one on Hannibal Lecter. :)

      I did take a course on Tolkien online, but it was through Barnes & Noble University (not the college bookstore takeover offshoot of B&N; this does not exist anymore AFAIK). It was free and surprisingly good.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          Heh, I’m a rebel. I was mad because we read Frankenstein twice but never Dracula. Don’t get me wrong; I LIKE Frankenstein, but I’ve been a horror fan since childhood and it bummed me out that it was the only classic genre fiction we read.

    5. Pentapus*

      Just to be different: I was a math/physics major and did my math paper on public key cryptography, when it was seemingly niche and useless (1980s) before the web/internet became a thing.

    6. Sundial*

      My Masters degree is in Information Science, so basically the soft/design side of compsci. My thesis was chosen based on my personal interests and career goals, and was on using the internet of things (IoT) in the home to customize accessibility for the disabled.

    7. Anonymous for this*

      For my BA, I double majored in History and French so I had to do two final capstones (a research paper plus a presentation). My History capstone dealt with the Quiet Revolution and Québec’s language laws. For my French capstone I wrote about Michel Tremblay’s play Les Belles Sœurs with a post colonial literary theory lens. I’m American and was attending an American university but had a strong interest in Québec!

      1. Irish Teacher*

        Woah, that sounds a lot of work. We do two subjects for our degree but could do our final project in either or combine both. To be honest, mine kinda DID combine both and I could have done it as a combination if I’d wanted. I know one of my history lecturers would have been happy to supervise, but it just seemed too complicated, as both would likely give different advice, so I just did it as an English topic.

        I had to google the Quiet Revolution. We don’t…really learn much about Canada here.

        And I’m a big fan of post-colonialism. The entire of Irish history is really “getting our independence from the UK and a literary revival in the early 20th century (along with revivals of Irish sports and language) were all part of the movement, so…post-colonialism has resonance.

        1. Anonymous for this*

          It was a lot of work, but fortunately I didn’t do them the same term (History capstone was done in my 3rd year and French in my 4th year), plus I got to reuse some of the History paper to explain the background of Les Belles Sœurs. Part of the French capstone involved arguing that it was even ok to examine a play by a white playwright with a post-colonial lens. I argued that it was acceptable since the Québécois were colonized by Anglophone Canada, but that it was important to not make a 1:1 comparison with the colonization of (for example) Indigenous people in North America.
          Prior to those projects, I also did a History pre-capstone research project about Catholic orders’ communities in colonial Québec and an independent study French lit class focused on Québécois literature. We don’t learn much about Canada in the USA either…I heard a couple of Québécois folk bands play on a radio program and loved it! I had already selected my two majors by then and wanted to learn more about French outside of Europe. Studying Québec was perfect for me and luckily the profs I worked with in both French and History were supportive!

    9. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Undergrad thesis was about the different views of the origin of evil in Euripides’ *Hippolytos*, Seneca’s *Phaedra*, and Racine’s *Phedre*. I have no recollection at all of what I came up with.

    10. Kw10*

      Sociology and Spanish major, and my thesis was: Interweaving Practical and Strategic Interests: Women’s Empowerment through Social Movements in Latin America

    11. Chi chan*

      I researched machine learning models to analyse train delays and compared their accuracy. When I started I had no clue how to do it but figured it out along the way.

    12. coolio*

      I did a masters thesis in nanolaminate thermites for use in underwater welding (material science engineering), and currently working on my phd in engineering education focused on understanding and improving collaboration in first year project teams

    13. HannahS*

      I did a psycholinguistics study on the ability speakers of tonal languages ( e.g
      Cantonese, Mandarin) vs non-tonal languages (English, French) to separate tones from phonemes (syllables, like ba/mo/ti.) The experiment failed, but I still got good grades. My big takeaway through making the recordings was that the pitch of my own voice is the average female pitch.

  33. Flowers*

    Question for those who meticulously plan out their outfits for work/school/etc –

    Do you have a system for deciding what to wear?

    Right now I keep all my work clothes in separate piles in another room. The piles are:
    pants
    skirts/dresses
    sleeveless tops
    sleeved tops
    sweaters

    I plan out 5-6 days of outfits + a few “emergency” outfits in case something doesn’t work or fit when I put it on etc. Altogether it does take me about 30-45 minutes on the weekend to pick everything out but if I could do it another way, I’m open to that?

    Basically I’m imagining that scene in Clueless where Chers closet scans everything and picks out an outfit for her. I know that was like 25+ (!!!!!) years ago but if there’s a similar app that would be really cool. Short of actually taking pictures of everything and going through them, I’m interested in other solutions.

    1. fposte*

      Stylebook was recommended here years ago (I think it’s iOS only), and I love that thing. You can save outfits you like and you can ask it to combine some for you–it’s fun to see what it comes up with.

      1. Flowers*

        Heh I’d love to but I have a hard time with jewelry so clothes it is. Shoes and jewelry are on the neutral side (plain slides, or sandals or small diamond-looking studs etc).

    3. OyHiOh*

      I have kind of a capsule wardrobe for work. The basic idea of it is that once I decide if I want to wear a dress or pants, everything else is pretty much mix and match. The blazers and sweaters go with everything. The tops go with all of my pants. I have flats and heels in brown tones, and the same in grey/black. The only decision I have to make is “pants or a dress today?” and the rest is grab and go.

      But I’m kinda boring in my work clothes! I wear medium/dark browns, grey/black, blue and green jewel tones, and burgundy. I prefer solids over patterns. If I liked stronger colors, or bold patterns, this system absolutely would not work.

      1. Flowers*

        That’s actually a good idea too! I’m toying with making a “theme” for certain days. Like dress/skirt Monday, business casual Tuesday & Wednesday, jeans Thursday, casual Friday etc. I do have neutrals but I also gravitate towards bright colors and floral patterns; after 2 years of being “home” I’m truly trying to enjoy getting dressed now.

        1. OyHiOh*

          I stayed home for well over a decade. The formal-ish business casual dress code at NewJob is honestly delightful. I like dressing for work after years of living in jeans (good days) or soft clothes. It took me about two years to settle into a business casual style that feels good and comfortable to me. I used ThredUp extensively because I could get nice-ish things without spending a fortune, and figure out what I like the most. Now that I’ve got it figured out, I’m shopping more with brands and companies I know I like, fit reliably, and fit into my style.

          1. Flowers*

            Unfortunately I’m a shopaholic so I always had A LOT of clothes. at varying weights :( (the clean up is an everlasting ongoing process). I’m pretty settled in my style. But the hardest part of going back was wearing a bra for 10+ hours a day after being braless for 2+ years. I had horrible rashes the first week and it took me a while to find new bras.

      2. Joielle*

        Same here! Mine is mostly all black/grey/white and 90% solids, so almost everything goes together aside from a few incompatible greys. Basically every day I put on a pencil skirt, tank top, cardigan/blazer, and then tights and shoes/boots depending on the weather. Once in a while I’ll wear black pants instead of a skirt. I have like three options for work jewelry. It makes getting dressed very easy! I figure if men can wear a grey suit and white shirt every day, I can wear a black pencil skirt every day.

    4. Ellis Bell*

      I go from the shoes up, since the weather/activity dictates shoes more than any other item, and they contribute so much to comfort. Shoes dictate whether skirt/pants work best and I have a collection of tops which match each skirt or pair of pants, hung above their partners. I do have a preference for solid colour bottoms in neutrals like navy or gray so I can mix and match bolder colours and patterns on top, but a lot of times it’s the way the waist heights/lengths come together that dictates the matching of separates. I have a hardcore collection of midi dresses with three quarter sleeves because if you have a day when you don’t want to match anything they will more than do, and they go with a lot of different shoes. Then it’s just adding a jewelled or embroidered Alice band for funsies. I too have always wanted Cher’s moving wardrobe, but I just made a very static walk in wardrobe and I find it’s enough to be able to see everything, and keep it clearly organised.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      Weather picks most of my outfits for me. I hate being too hot or too cold. The first thing I do is check the temps for the day.

      If it snows and I know the roads are nasty and I have to clean my car when I get out of work that is one type of clothing.

      If it’s hot and I know the boss will be into work and the AC will be set on Icebox, that is another type of clothing.

      I stopped doing weekly line ups. On Sunday I just make sure most of my stuff is ready for the week. Then I plan two days at a time. This is because of the constantly changing forecast. I make myself less crazy if I just do a couple days at a time. Everything is already from Sunday so it’s just a matter of pulling it out.

      I have been happy with not having too many things to chose from. I like less choices and less decision making. I have an on-going donation bag where I toss stuff as it occurs to me the item is not working out for any reason. I have a mending pile that I toss stuff that has a problem or looks like it will have a problem soon. And I have a dry clean pile and a regular laundry pile. The donation bag gets donated when it is full. The mending gets done every other month or so, depending. And the dry cleaning I do at home when I am doing laundry anyway.

    6. RC+Rascal*

      I lost my job in the Great Recession of 2009 and didn’t find full time employment for 4 years. By the time I went back to work I was financially tapped out and most of my retirement savings were gone. When I started my new job in a business casual office, I could barely afford clothes to work there.

      Here as my solution: I only purchased things in shades of black (including gray), blue, and white/ivory. I would also buy the occasional red or pink top as it went well with blue, gray, and black. That way everything went together and I came up with nearly endless combinations from a relatively small wardrobe.

    7. allathian*

      All of my pants/jeans are black, I never wear skirts, and I have about a dozen patterned short- or elbow-sleeved t-shirts and about as many long-sleeved t-shirts that I combine at will, as well as a couple good outfits for special events like weddings, and a nice top and a blazer that I basically only wear to interviews or the very occasional dinner at a haute cuisine restaurant (so far I’ve done that twice in my 50 years). I’ll happily wear the same pants for a week unless I spill something on myself, and the same shirt for the two days I usually go between showers (I only shower every day when there’s a heatwave). I almost never notice what anyone else’s wearing, and don’t expect others to remember what I’m wearing from day to day. I’ll take the chance that someone might, but even if they do, everyone I work with is professional enough that nobody’s ever said anything, and I don’t particularly care if someone’s judging me for it as long as they keep their thoughts to themself. I’ve never been particularly interested in clothes or makeup, and I count myself lucky that I can indulge fully in my lack of interest without being penalized for it!

  34. Doctor is In*

    Anyone else caught up in the flight delay issue this weekend? We were supposed to go to Iceland on Friday evening but one of our flights was canceled because of weather. Rebooked for today, OK. Then canceled again because of “congestion” in Newark, rebooked for Sunday via Chicago. No other options to get to Iceland. Just frustrating to miss out on 2 days there with activities planned. Hint: Do NOT go via Newark if avoidable!

    1. KatEnigma*

      Thankfully no. We just flew my parents to/from and they haven’t flown anywhere in 10 years or so. I was so worried something would go wrong, especially as there weren’t any direct flights on the airline where we had the miles to cover their flights. They aren’t OLD (late 60’s), but they are up there and don’t adapt well to things going wrong outside their comfort zone.

      I have refused to go through Newark since I got stuck there in 2000- and it wasn’t just getting stuck, but the attitude of the workers, and that was long before this became a common occurrence everywhere! My choice for international flights is Chicago or Boston.

    2. Generic Name*

      Omg. I’m trying not to think about it. My son is flying cross country with his dad, and I don’t want kiddo caught up in cancellations or delays, but on the other hand, it’s not my problem (dad and I are divorced, so I have nothing to do with their travel plans). Ugh

    3. Rara Avis*

      Had a 3 hour 40 minute layover at Chicago Midway last night that turned into 6 hours 20 minutes. Every flight on the board was delayed or cancelled. Crawled into bed at 5 a.m. No weather issues — it seems like they simply didn’t have enough people. The plane was at the gate for 2hours waiting for crew, and then after we boarded we were delayed another 1/2 hour waiting to get fueled.

      1. Voluptuousfire*

        @rara Avis…was this American Airlines? I also had the same issue with a flight from Chicago last night at O’Hare. My flight got delayed 2.5 hours+, With an extra half hour for a cleaning crew to take care of the plane. I was so glad I parked at the airport and was able to drive myself home.

    4. Jay*

      I hate Newark. We went to Europe in June and had to fly in and out of Newark to get a non-stop home from Dubrovnik. The bad news is that the drop-off for departures is in baggage claim and there was one functioning elevator – one – in the whole dang terminal. The good news was – everything else. Flights were close to on-time, TSA precheck worked as advertised, customs coming back was easy-peasy, baggage arrived promptly and intact. Very very very lucky.

    5. enough*

      Daughter flew to Denver from Baltimore with connection in Dallas. That went well. Have to wait and see what Tuesday brings when she comes back.

  35. Flowers*

    Is it hard to learn how to sew?

    I always have clothes that need alterations, both for myself and my toddler daughter. Mostly hemming pants & skirts for myself, and taking in waistbands for her.

    All the places around me charge $15+ to hem – that’s not something I can afford esp for multiple clothes.

    I don’t have a machine but I do have needle and threads but I get severe pain in my hands so I don’t know if doing by hand will work. Im open to buying a machine (open to recommendations!) and self learning?

    1. ImOnlyHereForThePoetry*

      It’s not hard to learn if you have time. Hemming is usually done by hand except for jeans. Taking in waistbands would be difficult by hand.

      1. Flowers*

        I didn’t know it was done by hand! I did the waistband for one of her pants and my hand was so tired by teh end of it.

        1. RagingADHD*

          Check out different YT tutorials and different stitches. There are various ways to hold the needle and stitch patterns that might be easier on your hands. You also want to make sure you have a needle that is suitable for the material – they vary in thickness and sharpness, which make a difference to fatigue.

    2. KatEnigma*

      For hemming, have you considered just using fusible web? I can’t hold a needle for long either, thanks to carpal tunnel. Then you just need an iron.

      For your daughter’s waistbands, I highly recommend dapper snappers. And buying from Carter/OshKosh or the Cat and Jack brand at Target that have internal built in elastic adjustments to cinch in the waist. Lands End also has that in their twills/jeans AND both Cat and Jack and Lands End have slim fit or skinny jeans. My 5 yr old son is tall and thin, and for the very first time since he became upright, the Lands End slim fit khakis are the only pants I haven’t had to cinch at all, when normally I have to cinch WAY in. My son outgrows his pants in length well before I even have to loosen his waist. Which reminds me that while Target is having their back to school sale, I need to buy the next size up in jeans. We went to a family reunion in a slightly cooler climate and the packed jeans were high rise on him.

      1. Flowers*

        I’ve never heard of fusible web, but I’ll google it!

        Kiddo is slim and tall as well; luckily jeans and pants tend to be adjustable but she has a few pairs of “summer” pants that are a loose flowy fabric that aren’t adjustable; even the drawstring is just for show ugh.

        1. Tib*

          You can also buy buttonhole elastic (the same stuff in your kid’s clothing) at the fabric store and it’s really easy to put in yourself by hand. You’ll need a package of the elastic (1 package is enough for at least 2 pair of pants), 2 buttons that fit the holes in the elastic, needle, thread, and a large safety pin. Make 2 vertical cuts in the inside of the waistband for the elastic to go through. I tend to put them a couple inches in from the side seams and they just need to be a little longer than the width of the elastic. Make sure you only cut through the inside layer of the waistband. Use a whip stitch around the edges of the cuts to keep them from fraying too much. Doesn’t have to be pretty or completely covering the edges. Attach your buttons about a half inch away and on the outside of your cuts. It should be button, cut, cut, button. Cut a piece of elastic that is 5-6 inches longer than the distance between the cuts. Attach the safety pin to one end of the elastic and fasten the other end of the elastic to one of the buttons. Then thread the elastic through to the other button. Then you can adjust the waist to fit.

          Fusible web is great, but it is more of a temporary fix. I’d reinforce it with a hem stitch; but you can space your stitches further apart than if you didn’t use the webbing. I’d also carry fashion tape just in case.

          1. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

            Threading the elastic through the waistband casing is also something you can try to delegate to your toddler, if your kid is the type to want to help with whatever the adults are doing. My mom started me on simple hand sewing tasks very young, and “scoot this elastic along this casing until the end comes out the other side” is a great toddler sewing project because it doesn’t involve anything sharp, it’s easy to undo if it goes wrong, and it mostly needs patience and a little bit of motor control, which are both skills the typical toddler is actively working on.

            She’d also let me use a needle and thread on scrap fabric while supervised when I was preschool-aged, but with no particular idea that anything I turned out would be usable, but a toddler might be a little young for real needles. I think I had pre-punched things to thread yarn or shoelaces through instead at that age?

            If your kid isn’t interested in helping with this, and you find poking the elastic along using a safety pin annoying or difficult, you can also get a plastic drawstring threader to make the process easier.

    3. merp*

      If you have a local quilt shop near you, they may have classes! Or offer one-off lessons. For example, I bought a new machine from one near me and they offered that I could come in anytime to learn how to do something on my new machine. Bigger stores like joann’s may do something similar but at a locally owned one, you’ll probably get more personalized and well-informed help, in my experience.

      If you are looking at machines, my biggest recommendation is to sit and sew on several of them at the store. Most brands are probably pretty equivalent in terms of what they offer for home sewing machines but what will be different is the feel of them for each person, if you like where the buttons are or how it sews or how easy they are to thread, things like that. So I don’t have a brand rec but definitely try them out before you decide.

    4. Chapeau*

      Not really hard, particularly if you want to start with things like hemming. I do hem on the machine, I just don’t have time to carefully sew 100000000 (okay, not quite that many) small stitches.
      That said, hemming pants that aren’t straight legs is tricky!
      I started out using fusible web, particularly on jeans since they’re impossible to hem by hand, and eventually got tired of the unfinished look of the jeans just being jean fabric without the gold thread at the bottom.
      My machine is a Viking/Husqvarna 116, although I recommend the 118 instead. It is approximately 10 years old, however. I would have preferred the 118 because it has a nifty button you can push in so pushing the foot pedal the whole way to the floor still sews at half speed. You can sort of control the speed by not pushing the pedal the whole way down, but I just don’t have the control for that, and I end up going faster than I want to. You can, of course, just turn the wheel, but that can result in your stitches being uneven and not tight enough for some reason.
      I did buy my machine at a shop that is located inside a craft store with a woman’s name, and the sewing place offered an orientation to my machine as part of the purchase. The craft store also had beginner’s sewing classes, although I don’t know if they’ve brought those back yet.

      1. RagingADHD*

        A lot of newer machines have a speed override. Mine is a slider that goes from “tortoise” to “hare”.

        1. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

          The fast/slow speed adjustment was one of the must-have features when I bought my current machine. (The other was “I can thread this without crying or swearing”.) It’s saved me so many hours of hovering my foot barely down on the pedal, and makes fussy things that aren’t sewing in a straight line much easier.

    5. RagingADHD*

      Not at all! Seven and eight year old kids can learn it (younger with supervision). To do it very neatly and well takes a lot of practice, but that is just repetition.

      You can learn to hem a skirt by hand from YouTube and have it done in an afternoon if it isn’t a huge flowy thing that goes on for miles. For many fabrics, you can even use fusible hem tape and iron the new hem without having to sew at all.

      Advanced alterations are more complicated because you need to learn how to think in 3-d and where to make adjustments so things will hang correctly, but there are lots of books and videos available that can teach you.

      For learning to use a machine, check the craft section of your library. There are usually tons of books on learning to sew, and some of the more contemporary ones by bloggers give you a good sense of which rules / practices really make a difference, and which you can be flexible about.

      The most important thing to know going in is how to recover from a mistake. You will probably spend a lot of time picking things out and re-doing them. That is a normal part of the process, even for experienced sewists.

      Good luck!

    6. CatPerson*

      I am fortunate to have been raised by a home economics teacher whose primary love was sewing. Yes, learning to sew takes a lot of attention and development of expertise. But you’re referring to “mending” and maintenance, not so much as sewing. To use a machine to do the projects you describe would probably need some classes. Can you buy a basic machine that comes with lessons?

    7. I’m not sure about this, but*

      There is a lot of information on YouTube that can show you how to sew. Hems can be done by hand.

      1. Susie*

        Do you have any recommendations? I’m not the OP, but have been thinking about tailoring my clothes myself as well.
        I have made clothes before but it has been a number of years, so I need a refresher.

      2. Flowers*

        Yes, any recommendations? I don’t really like YT (too many ads, too many people talking too much etc) so any names would be helpful.

    8. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Over the years, I’ve seen sewing machines offered on free cycle and buy nothing. If you go that route get someone who knows to how to sew already to try the machine out for you and tell you if it works. I lost a lot of time thinking I was incompetent only to learn that the machine was on its last legs and the thread I had been given was too old to survive use in a machine. Some second hand machines are awesome, so a friend who knows how to sew will be key.
      Also some libraries do object loaning, and if that’s the case at yours maybe you can borrow a machine.

    9. ShinyPenny*

      Well, I am filled with joy on your behalf, because sewing is awesome and empowering!
      If I knew you, I would be so very eager to help you learn about this. So my first thought is to check with people you know, to see if a friend (or a friend of a friend) would enjoy mentoring you.
      Also, that could be a great way to find a sewing machine, too. Some people have extras (that’s not just me! I’m pretty sure lol.) And some people got a machine to make covid masks, but aren’t into sewing in general, and those machines are showing up on craigslist now. Putting the word out on social media might be the modern thing to do, as well, asking for a cheap or free machine.
      It is also very possible to find an inexpensive machine on craigslist. I’ve seen decent models for $65-85. Like anything, you want the seller to say it runs great (and then you judge whether they seem reliable, lol.) But you can also get a new one off Amazon for under $100. You do not need an expensive machine to start out!
      Most importantly, I definately suggest looking on PatternReview dot com to see if there are reviews of the specific model you are considering. And also google the specific model, to find you-tube reviews. (Even some of the brand new machines have poor reputations.) I would not buy a new or used machine without seeing at least a couple stellar reviews on PatternReview!
      Jumping ahead: one thing that is usually challenging for new sewers is threading the machine, so it is helpful to have the seller thread it for you. Then you can document/photograph the layout. (Some newer machines have the diagram painted right on. You will be able to find the threading diagram online, too). The second thing is the bobbin. Confirm it’s included! And write down the proper bobbin direction for that model (clockwise or counterclockwise– it’s essential to have this correct.)
      Tune-ups at a repair shop are pretty pricey now– about $100 for labor around here– but you should be able to find a machine that won’t need that. And a lot of times when a machine doesn’t work right, it’s actually because it’s not threaded right or the bobbin (or needle) is in backwards–user error, no tune-up needed.
      If you check you-tube, you will find endless introductory “how to” demonstrations, for every aspect of sewing. Watching some of those right now would be helpful. And most fabric stores host introductory classes where you bring your machine and the instructor helps you learn how to use it, if that appeals to you. But you can totally learn on your own!
      Compared to handstitching, sewing with a machine is a total speed and power multiplier. It’s a superpower, like driving a car instead of walking. It’s ok to choose to walk, but being able choose to drive is amazing!

    10. Not So NewReader*

      If you can pick up a used New Home (now Janome) that’s a good machine to learn on- because you’re not spending a ton of time making the machine work. But there are other good brands out there.

      If you have a friend who sews they might sell you an older machine cheaply as a favor to you. People who sew a lot often have several machines. Let people know that you are interested and hoping to spot a bargain to begin to learn on.

      You might find wrists braces helpful for your fingers. Just a guess. I do a lot of hand work and there are times where just a cheap wrist wrap is sooo helpful. My grocery store sells them much cheaper than a drug store and the braces are fine.

      I was about 7 or 8 when I learned to sew. You can practice on tissue paper without putting thread in the machine. Draw lines or circles on the paper for you to follow on the machine. This will let you get accustomed to the pedal, the needle’s movement and how to manipulate fabric through the machine.
      After doing a couple of tissue paper examples. use some scrap cloth and spare thread and see how that goes for you. Allot maybe a couple weeks to do all this. It’s not instant, but you might be surprised by how quick you catch on.

    11. Mac (I Wish All The Floors Were Lava)*

      I taught myself to sew over the pandemic and I’ve never been happier! I borrowed a friend’s sewing machine that she wasn’t using much, and definitely recommend that route if you can swing it– it’s a big investment if you’re not sure you’ll stick with it. I have tried buying secondhand machines multiple times over the years and regretted it every single time. When my friend finally wants hers back, I’ll be buying a new one.

      On hemming, I think people who hem by hand are lovely but masochists. Don’t do it if you don’t enjoy it– I hem everything on the machine and have lost zero hours of sleep over the results.

  36. Different name for this*

    When does a breakup of a long term relationship get easier? How long does it take to move on emotionally and not feel heartbroken?

    My partner of six years and I broke up two months ago. I’m in my late-20s, and this is the only long term relationship I’ve had. Even though the decision to breakup was mutual and amicable, I’m still heartbroken. And if anything I feel more heartbroken now than I did in the first few weeks after we broke up. We were best friends, and the breakup was due to certain incompatibilities rather than us not liking or living one another anymore. Most days I’ll spend at least at a few hours feeling awful and lonely.

    I’m trying to do all the right things. I’m trying to stay in contact with old friends and family, and I’m trying to go to meetups and events to expand my social circle. I’m also trying to find casual, low commitment dates via online dating to see if that might help, but I haven’t had much luck there. I also make sure to get out of the house everyday, even if it’s going somewhere alone. But I still feel heartbroken.

    It doesn’t help that I’m a weird person and I don’t easily find people I connect with strongly, platonically or romantically, so this breakup also makes me feel like I’m staring down a long period of loneliness.

    2. Becky S.*

      2 months isn’t a very long time. I don’t have any specific advice, other than stay physically active, but give yourself time. One day you’ll realize you’re feeling better.

      1. Filosofickle*

        It’s really not. I wasn’t even out of the shock stage at two months! It’s really helpful that I surrounded myself with friends during that time, it kept me afloat while grief continued to unfold. My intention was to start dating around 6 months, definitely no more than 12 months. Lol. Now it’s been that plus a couple more months and I’m about ready. Still have a lot of feelings about the breakup though.

      2. AGD*

        I needed a year after the end of my last relationship, even though the end had been coming for about that long.

    3. Alan*

      I’m sorry you’re going through this. You already know you’re not alone or you wouldn’t have posted here. The only other thing I can add is that as with all grief, it’s not necessarily linear. Sometimes it comes in waves. You’re doing the right things. It will get better.

    4. Strong Aroace Vibes*

      I’m sorry you’re going through this too. It really does sound like you’re doing everything “right,” getting out of the house, keeping up with friends, making an effort to interact. But still, it’s a sad time and a big upheaval, no way around it. I remember, after an important breakup, someone who had been through a similar thing recently told me it was about six months until they felt somewhat back on their feet. And I thought, “There’s no way I’ll feel better in 6 months!” But I did. Not back to how I did before, not back to “normal” because it’s a new normal, but better. I also felt, as I think anyone who’s broken up with someone special has felt, that I would never meet anybody to be close to, surely this was a high point. But of course, that’s not the case. Or at least, it’s very unlikely to be the case. And I also don’t often find people to connect with strongly, as you describe.

      1. Epsilon Delta*

        This is a good response. I would add that with grief, whether death or the end of a significant relationship or whatever else, you don’t get over it as much as you get used to it.

        I dated a guy in high school and college. We broke up, neither of us did anything terrible but we just were not compatible long term. I was not that sad about it. I moved on, got married, had kid, etc. Never spoke to him again. He died of covid this year and it ruined me for a couple days.

        So, grief is a strange thing. It’s like Anna Karenina… all happy [feelings] are alike but every grief is different. Keep treating the “symptoms” of your sadness like you have been doing. Exercise, sleep, eat well, see friends, maybe talk to a counselor if it seems like it would help. It will get better.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Ohhh, dear. You had to say good bye TWICE. Once in life then again in a more permanent context.

          OP, emotions are nasty little buggers because they are not always logical and they make an appearance at the most inopportune times.

          OP, I suggest you read a book or two on grief. Read about the grieving process, the symptoms of grief and all the ways grief manifests. When I am in grief, I lose my house keys with monotonous regularity. Part of grief is not concentrating. Of course if I have to do everything twice because I am not concentrating, then I get MORE tired and it becomes a cycle. I got a clip and I clip my keys to my purse or something.

          My point is to take the extra steps to help yourself in the ways that you need help. So maybe your keys are fine, but you are skimping on meals because who feels like cooking in a time like this? So get yourself a couple prepared meals to take a small load off of you.

          Self-care is important but it is also time consuming- it makes time pass to drink that extra water, do a super good job brushing your teeth, go to bed on time even if you just read in bed and so on. While labor intensive, self-care can fill up your day pretty fast. Which is the point. You are creating your new normal.
          What do you want to include in your new normal that has not been in place so far?

          Take time to cry when you need to. Tears cause a chemical reaction in the brain that help to keep the brain healthy. People often say, “It feels like the tears won’t stop.” In odd turn about, the way to get tears to stop is to simply tell yourself that it is okay to cry. Telling yourself to stop will only prolong the process and cause you more pain.

    5. Chapeau*

      It’s not easy. Have you thought about starting a hobby that you didn’t have time for before or that your ex was kind of weird about you doing? When I went through that, I tried out for a community theater musical. It was soooooo far outside of my comfort zone, it was the first time since probably kindergarten I had gone somewhere I had never been before without knowing at least one person who would be there.
      And then I had to sing and dance in front of these total strangers!
      I had a blast. I didn’t really make a new BFF, or even any more than friendly acquaintances, but they also didn’t know anything about Old Guy, so they weren’t treating me like I was fragile or anything. I got to be me, but not “break-up me,” if that makes any sense. It was a three month commitment or so, and it really helped to fill up evenings and weekends so I wasn’t sitting in my apartment staring at “his spot” on the couch.

    6. Ellis Bell*

      Two months is not long, and for me, serious break ups tend to have a roller coaster pattern; if you feel really good, you have a bad patch coming up and if you feel really bad you have a reprieve of high spirits coming next. The bad bits get shorter and further apart until it levels out IME. It sounds like you’re doing a lot of beneficial things already, the only additional things I would suggest would be to clean house of reminders. Is your home or decor the same, do you have mementos everywhere, is your social media linked to your ex’s? Etc.

    7. Kara Danvers*

      I’ve heard “a month for every year”. Which is probably a silly rule that has no basis in reality. But it shows that you’re *very* normal for feeling heartbreak 2 months later.

      Go easy on yourself!

      1. Random Bystander*

        Well, at least “a month for every year” is better than absurdly short expectations for grief. My mom (now retired) had worked as a hospice chaplain, and her thesis was on grief, building on Kubler-Ross (can’t do the diacritical with my keyboard), but one of the things I remember (having been one of her proofreaders) was that there was a prevalent common notion that two weeks would be enough and then you should be “over it”. So a month for every year is a vast improvement on expectations.

    8. Invisible fish*

      Ixnay the dating. It’s too easy to keep thinking about (past) romantic or partner relationships when that’s something you’re doing. Focus on friends and hobbies and trying new things.

      1. allathian*

        Yup. I don’t think dating in general is a good idea when you’re still in an active stage of grief. When you’re ready to date again depends on the person, for some it can be only a few days or weeks, especially if they’d already said goodbye earlier. When my aunt lost her husband, he’d been in hospice for several months and she’d basically done most of her grieving during his final illness. On his deathbed he told her that his dearest wish was for her to find happiness in her life again after he was gone, and she was dating again less than six months after he passed. Two years after that, she started dating her current husband and they’ve been married for more than 20 years.

        When my sister finally broke up with her live-in SO, she’d grieved the end of her hopes for that relationship for so long that when it was finally over, she felt only relief, and she started dating her current SO just a few months later. They’ve been together for nearly 15 years. She was so generous in the middle of that breakup, because I’d just started dating my husband when the breakup was final, in the sense that she bought him out of their jointly-owned apartment. I felt guilty about being overly effusive in my happiness in her company, but she let me know that seeing me so happy gave her hope for the future, and that I shouldn’t worry about it on her account.

        My other aunt, whose husband died in a car accident more than 20 years ago, was never interested in dating anyone else and her life since his death has been more or less a memorial to him and their relationship. So some people are never ready to date again, and that’s a perfectly valid choice, although I grant you that this is less likely to happen after a breakup than after a death.

        Grief is one of those experiences that are both universal in the sense that every person who’s able to care about anyone or anything else will probably experience it at some point, but that the grief will feel different to every person, and that each experience of grief will be different even for the same person. I’ve never grieved any human being as much as I grieved my grandma’s dead cat when I was 7, and I’m unlikely to unless my husband or son dies before me. I’m sure that I’ll grieve my parents and MIL more than any of my grandparents, but that’s all I can say until I actually have to deal with their deaths.

        One of my friends tells me that she’s never grieved for any person, dead or alive, as much as she grieved when the family house that she’d lived in as a kid and that she and her husband had been remodeling for nearly a year burned down to the ground, just weeks before they were due to move into it. It didn’t help that they’d sold their old home and had to find some temporary accommodation very quickly.

        I wish you healing, and some happiness, in whatever form that may take, when you’re ready.

    9. Doctors Whom*

      Kind of like physical therapy to recover from a serious injury, a heartbreak is going to take time and in my direct experience with both it’s actually a really serviceable analogy.

      You’re going to feel like crap. You’re going to feel lonely. You’re going to do little things that are like the PT exercises of life – going out, trying to expand the social circle, etc, even if you don’t feel it in the moment. And you are going to feel like you are climbing this big hill one small step at a time and you’ll never get there.

      Until one day you realize you’ve crested the hill and you’re motoring along under your own power and suddenly you notice that all those little tiny baby steps have added up to miles and miles and miles.

      It sucks to feel lonely and sad, but it’s also completely normal and healthy. This was a big part of your life, and ending the relationship left you pretty raw. You feel worse now because it’s settled in as reality. But that too you’ll get by. It’s ok to mourn what you lost – just take care of yourself. Do the personal exercise, if you will, make sure you get real physical exercise because endorphins and the like. You’ll get there.

  39. Beethoven, nooooo!*

    My dear cousin and her husband are struggling with infertility and have decided to pursue a surrogate. They have viable embryos frozen and are waiting to be matched by a service, which is a long process, and they might end up with someone who doesn’t live close by, plus it costs a lot to go the professional route. Recently I was reflecting that I would consider doing this for them. There are obviously a lot of factors here, most immediately that I want to make sure of how I feel before I even talk to them about this, because it seems to me that the worst thing would be for me to get their hopes up and then end up chickening out. I sliiightly mistrust myself because sometimes I get really hyped on an idea for a little while and am then later like, ‘lol that was weird I wonder why that ever sounded like a good plan?’ So I’m going to meditate on it for a full month before I take any next steps. My next-0rder main concern is I believe a woman who has not had children of her own isn’t “eligible” to be a surrogate – does this make it a total nonstarter anyway? On TV there are several sisters or cousins who do it without kids of their own (Phoebe from Friends, Eames on Law and Order: CI) but it’s not like that’s real life – probably they were just disguising the actresses’ own pregnancy. Can anybody comment on this? Any advice from either side of this process?

    1. KatEnigma*

      Someone without children isn’t “eligible” through agencies (require that plus a slew of other tests, both physical and psychological,) but nothing would stop you from going to a fertility clinic and having their blastocysts transferred to you. However, it’s not some random requirement- although no two pregnancies are alike, certain complications (like gestational diabetes and preeclampsia) are very likely to be present in all of a woman’s pregnancies, so they want to know you’ve had healthy pregnancies before you’re carrying someone else’s child.

      Another reason for “not close by” is because only a handful of States legally protect surrogacy, and others (Michigan) outlaw it entirely. California, Colorado, Ohio, and Illinois have it protected by law (as in, the intended parents are legally the parents and their names go on the birth certificate, so there is never any question of custody) there may have been a couple States I’ve forgotten or that were added since we went through it 6 years ago, but it’s still only a very few. If you live in Michigan or one of those States where it’s illegal, it’s not an option for you at all. In general, my advice is that unless you are CERTAIN, don’t.

      We ended up using an agency in Ukraine because the costs were only $50k – and that included an embryo adoption- instead of $150k+ in the US. And the bulk of that money, because of the laws protecting it, went straight to our gestational carrier- as in we handed her the cash directly, in person, the morning after our son was born- rather than to agencies and lawyers. Obviously that’s not an option for the foreseeable future, so our agency and doctors have relocated to the Czech Republic whose laws are also surrogacy friendly. It was scary, but really a great experience, and our little miracle turned 5 last week.

      1. Beethoven, nooooo!*

        Thank you for this. I definitely concede I may not be the best choice in terms of strict practicality – I’m old for it and who knows what pregnancy complications could ensue – but if I was my cousin, I think I’d be willing to make that tradeoff, maybe, because we could be together all the time through the whole pregnancy, and because it would be keeping it in the family. However, she may feel the exact opposite, like I’m here as “competition” rather than an employee, or that my being around for the rest of the baby’s life will be weird or awkward for her as the mother. I believe in my heart that I could do it and not get too attached, because I would be thinking of it as their baby the entire time – but I know that’s one of the reasons single women aren’t eligible. I have never wanted my own children and am now almost aged out of it so to me this would be sort of a family adventure of love. I want to talk to her about it but need to be sure of my own mind first.

        1. WellRed*

          Keeping it in the family, I think, should require extra legal protections and understanding all around. It’s a little more complicated than an “adventure of love.” At the very least, I hope you live in a safe state.

    2. RagingADHD*

      I would strongly suggest that if you decide you are interested, to talk to your GP and OBGYN about it before broaching it with your cousin. There are so many specific issues that may never have come up because you weren’t interested in having children. Best to see if there are any medical obstacles or deal breakers before you get their hopes up.

      1. Beethoven, nooooo*

        That is a good point, I haven’t used those parts much so lord knows what’s lurking in there.

        1. RagingADHD*

          There’s also stuff like thyroid, blood pressure, adrenals, bone density, clotting risk… Pregnancy stresses every system in your body.

    3. Valancy Snaith*

      I would not bring it up with them.

      If they want you to do so, they would ask. If you have never had children of your own, not only are you not eligible in most agencies, but you don’t even know that you’re not eligible. If your cousin and her husband are pursuing a surrogate they’ve already worked really hard just to get the embryos they do have, and there is a finite number of them. The odds are better with a paid surrogate who has borne children before than with someone who has no idea.

      Secondly, this is an amazingly painful thing to say to someone. Think about it–think that you have struggled for years with doing something that seems so stupidly easy that teenagers can manage it without even wanting to, you have gone through the stress and the pain and the miscarriages (potentially) and the hormones only to fail, over and over again, at conceiving, even with science, even with a team of doctors. Surrogacy is usually a last-ditch hope. And all of this time people have been saying the most immensely stupid things to you: “lol you want my kids?” “just relax, stress makes it hard for you to conceive!” “oh I bet you’re having fun trying! [at month 32?]” “what, don’t you want to give your husband babies? Don’t your parents want grandkids?” and then someone comes along and says “well I don’t know if I can conceive but I’d totally be willing to carry your kid!” It’s a slap in the face. In addition you mention you’ve almost aged out–does that mean you’re aging out of the range where you likely could not have your own kid? Because that’s not going to make a successful transfer any easier, either. This isn’t even getting into the myriad legal issues that can crop up in the States.

      If they wanted you to be a surrogate, they would ask. The only exception would be if there’s an organic conversation going on with her saying “oh I wish we didn’t have to use an agency” or something else VERY specific, at which point you could volunteer. Otherwise I would keep it to myself.

      1. anonagain*

        Yes. They know the time and cost and have still decided surrogacy through an agency is right for them. I’d respect that decision and the path it took to get there.

      2. Double A*

        I really disagree that if they wanted OP to do this they would ask. It’s such an intense thing to do that I think it would be really weird that they would ask even if they would be open to it if she brought it up.

        However, it’s a good point to be very sensitive about how you bring it up if you do. Be sure to be totally clear that you’re open to the possibility but that if they say no, you will never mention it again. Basically, let them know a door is open and they can walk through it to explore if they want, but you totally support them in whatever they choose.

        I also agree with the comments that you should really talk to an OB before you so much as mention it to your cousin. I feel like if I were considering a surrogate, I would be very nervous about an older first time mom (and I had my babies at 35 and nearly 38 and had totally healthy pregnancies). Also, the restrictions on you will be a lot; you won’t be as free to make choices that you might make with your own pregnancy. Like, I drank coffee while pregnant but I would not want a surrogate to, which maybe doesn’t make sense and isn’t fair but I’m just saying this so you would realize how intense the expectations on your behavior might be.

        1. Valancy Snaith*

          As someone who has been on the other side of this, who is childless and has spent an awful lot of time with other infertile women, it is really really really common to get people thinking they are making a super generous offer to give you the use of their womb. But it is really really really uncommon that someone would take someone up on that offer without it coming up beforehand. The women I know who have pursued surrogacy have overwhelmingly chosen to use an agency, or an extremely close relative (sister) and there was a huge amount of thought and intent put into those choices. It can be an extremely painful thing to get someone to say “I’d totally be willing to carry your child!” since it carries so much baggage along with it. I don’t know anyone who’s taken someone up on their offer to carry their kid.

      3. comityoferrors*

        I don’t know, it sounds like that organic conversation has already happened and continues to happen. It seems like Beethoven is close to their cousin, and I don’t think the offer would sound so flippant considering they’re taking time to reflect on it and research the process and lived experiences of others. The limited supply of eggs would be my biggest concern, but I really think that decision needs to land with the couple involved – the cousin might know for sure that she doesn’t want to go off the established route based on her own research, or she might be thrilled at a chance to try earlier and with someone she knows and trusts already. That’s not a decision Beethoven can make for her either way.

        As far as the asking part…I can’t imagine ever asking someone I’m close to, especially if they have never given birth before, to do something that enormous for me. My own body just won’t tolerate pregnancy and childbirth, so I would not feel comfortable putting any pressure on someone I love to do that in my place. But if they offered and seemed informed with their choice, I would be willing to consider it. I think that’s just an example of how different people relate to each other.

        If you decide you really are up for it, I think it would be a kindness to tell your cousin that you’re open to the idea but understand the various reasons she would want to stick with the agency route instead. IMO if you are sensitive about the pain they’ve experienced so far and are clear that you aren’t trying to convince her to do this, just offering another option, then it gives her the ability to make her own choice instead of never knowing that it could have been.

      4. KatEnigma*

        Our first machine came from Goodwill- but it was the exact same model my mother kept that was my grandmother’s, because it handles denim and heavier fabrics better than her newer machine. We paid $25 for it and then sold it when we moved for $50.

        Anyway, along those same lines, if OP or anyone else interested has a Makerspace in their area, they often have decent to really good sewing machines to use, for the cost of only a couple months’ membership. And often you can get lessons there as well. The one in South Milwaukee, the sewing machine was on loan from a professional costumer who gave both formal and informal lessons on its use.

    4. Kara Danvers*

      Have you considered talking to a therapist about this? It’s a big decision, with physical and mental challenges. It might be worth walking through those aspects with someone unbiased.

      1. Beethoven, nooooo*

        I would like to do that. I think I’m just a bit unsure on the right order … it seems a bit off to go through a complete OBGYN workup as suggested above and also start therapy before I know if they’ll even consider it or if the center they’re working with would exclude me as a candidate.

        1. RagingADHD*

          Do you not get a checkup from your GP and OBGYN every year? I wasn’t talking about some kind of special “workup.” I was talking about the same kind of conversation at a checkup that people usually have when they are thinking about trying to get pregnant.

          If your doctors know your medical & family history, they might be able to flag potential problems or discuss any individual concerns that they might not ever bother to bring up if they know you don’t want kids of your own.

          But certainly, it doesn’t make sense to do that if you haven’t decided to pursue it yet.

          1. allathian*

            I certainly don’t visit my OBGYN every year, more like every five years when I have a pap smear, except when I was pregnant with my son and later had a couple miscarriages. Even the OBGYNS here are saying that unless you’re experiencing significant changes to your cycle, or are worried about something related to your genital and reproductive health, there’s no need to go every year unless you’re renewing your pill prescription. I’m not on the pill, so I don’t need to go that often.

        2. Patty Mayonnaise*

          You should do therapy and the OBGYN workup first because that’s taking the burden of figuring out if you can truly commit to this, mentally and physically, BEFORE you put the burden of choosing on your cousin. You do realize the offer would be a stressor and a burden on your cousin, right? A much bigger stressor and burden than it is on you to make the offer? From this comment I’m not sure that you do. I think you should reread all the comments from Valancy Snaith on this thread and sit with them for a while.

    5. Ali + Nino*

      I think it’s very kind of you to consider doing this for your cousin and her husband, theoretically. But I agree with others here that you have some other steps to take before broaching the offer, including checkup with OBGYN and therapy with an unbiased party.
      I’ll admit I’m curious what you consider potentially too old for this. I’m not sure about surrogacy, but when I was considering donating eggs, I learned the age range is typically 18-30 – I had already aged out! Everyone is different but as someone who’s been pregnant more than once I would only ever do this for my own family. Pregnancy is taxing in every way imaginable (and ways you can’t imagine until you’re there) and from my experience, it only gets harder the older you are. But for sure, explore it fully on your end, and if it would still be a possibility, by all
      Means offer it with an open heart, and then respect your cousin’s decision.

    6. fhqwhgads*

      Yes generally speaking some doctors won’t let you surrogate if you haven’t already given birth at least once. The reasoning for this is you may have major serious medical issues from pregnancy that you couldn’t know about yet, and then don’t want to find out when you’re pregnant with someone else’s kid that having said kid might kill you. While complications can always come up on one pregnancy and not another, there are enough serious things that would be unlikely to vary from one pregnancy to the next that. That’s the reasoning I’ve always heard given. The risk is too high. Knowing that, it might knock you out of the running before you even start.

  40. Hopeful Ex Librarian*

    Hi everyone! I’ve spent the last few months tracking my ✨stomach issues✨ (thank you, creators who make food and health tracking apps!), and I think I’ve finally narrowed it down: dairy products.

    (TW: mention of gastrointestinal issues.) Usually, if I consume dairy, I get, uh, gassy and nauseous, plus sometimes I have stomach cramps (those do vary in severity). Plus also I might have some constipation if I eat ice cream of any kind. None of these are generally life-altering except for the stomach cramps, but they’re also not fun. If I can do anything to avoid those symptoms, I will.

    So, if I take lactaid (the generic version from walgreens), none of this happens. It’s awesome!

    I haven’t been to a doctor to confirm this, but I’m thinking I’m lactose-intolerant. Which I’m not upset about – although I am not excited that non-dairy options at Dunkin cost .75, like I did not choose to have lactose issues. I also really love cheese….

    Anyway. Does anyone have any tips on how to deal with this? Or snack/coffee creamer recommendations? I’d like to not have to take lactaid multiple times a day if I can avoid it.

    1. Redhaired runner*

      You can buy lactaid brand milk and milk products which have the lactose removed. Also many cheeses are lactose free, the best way to check is look at how many cabs are present in a serving since lactose is a milk sugar. Zero carb cheese is lactose free cheese!

      Additionally some companies use lactose as a binding agent or something on flavored potato chips so keep an eye out for that.

    2. fposte*

      Depending on how you like to consume your dairy, the Lactaid drops, which you can still get on Amazon, can be preferable to the pills. With the pills it’s kind of a race between the enzyme and the lactose, but with the drops you can just convert the whole carton of milk or cream (or, if you’re making your own, ice cream) as long as you have 24 hours or so.

      Also, a lot of cheese has virtually no lactose. Unfortunately, the internet as a whole has a lot of BS about which cheeses those would be, but in general the more aged the cheese, the less likely there is to be lactose.

    3. RagingADHD*

      About 70 percent of adult humans are lactose intolerant to some degree, so it’s not surprising if you are. It’s not so much a medical condition as a normal adaptation.

      My dad gets sinus symptoms when he has dairy rather than digestive, so once he figured that out, he just doesn’t eat it. Or only rarely. One of my kids is mildly intolerant. We became aware of it because she just didn’t like milk or much dairy stuff, so we just make sure she has sufficient calcium from other foods.

      Whole-fat products bother her less than say, 2 percent or skim milk. She’s okay with a certain amount of cheese, and yogurt doesn’t seem to bother her at all.

      She snacks on nuts, fruit, crackers, granola bars, hummus, popcorn, all kinds of stuff.

      I think there’s a psychological reaction when you first contemplate not eating X anymore, where you kind of fixate on it and forget all the other foods that exist. You can enjoy and snack on literally anything else.

      If your current diet has a *lot* of dairy, you may find that when you get rid of most of it you can still tolerate small or occasional amounts. Sometimes it’s not that you can’t ever have it at all, just that your system can only process a little bit at a time.

    4. Falling Diphthong*

      At the start of the pandemic shutdowns my spouse figured out that he was lactose intolerant. His is controlled with lactaid, though a series of cheese heavy meals (pizza several nights at work) will be too much. At the same time, my son figured out he had a broader dairy allergy, and lactaid didn’t cut it. This has dialed back recently so that he now eats some baked goods (made with butter and milk) but uses soy milk and nondairy ice cream and avoids cheese, which is the strongest trigger.

      Some general stuff that was helpful to know:
      • You can crush up the lactaid pills and put them in normal milk, making your own lactaid. (The store-bought lactaid milk is shelf stable and has a notably different taste if you are accustomed to standard US milk.)
      • Several dairy department workers suggested trying European butter. This did not help my son, but I am now a convert to Kerry Gold anyhow.
      • Smitten Kitchen’s chocolate olive oil cake and salted peanut butter cookies are delicious and non dairy.
      • Earth’s Balance margarine has no dairy. (It took me a lot of label reading to find a non-dairy margarine.)
      • Bread crumbs fried in oil were apparently an old sub for a sprinkle of parmesan. Tried it a couple of nights ago on zucchini carpaccio and it was really good. Heat a glug of olive oil, add a little minced garlic and lemon peel, after a few seconds add panko and salt, stir thoroughly, keep an eye on it because it can burn.

      1. hopeful ex librarian*

        thank you so much for this, especially the specific brand names. i’m not sure we have all of them where i am in the midwest, but i’ll look into them. especially the salted peanut butter cookies….!

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          Smitten Kitchen is a recipe website!

          My general advice in the X-free realm of eating is to try and find stuff that is already X-free. I found that better than stuff that tried to recreate the forbidden element, but poorly.

    5. WellRed*

      I’ve had to cut back dairy a bit. I use good old coffee mate in my coffee. It’s fine.

    6. Chaordic One*

      I find it pretty easy avoid dairy. In addition to the LACTAID brand lactose-free dairy products, most stores carry store brand lactose-free milk. In my Kroger’s store it is about a dollar less than LACTAID milk. I find I don’t have any problems with goat milk or goat cheese.

      There’s a company called “Daiya” that makes a variety of soy and dairy-free products including cheeses, frozen pizzas, and cheesecake. They don’t taste quite as good as the products that contain dairy though. Kroger’s also has a line of soy and dairy-free products similar to Daiya, but I don’t think they’re as good as Daiya.

      1. hopeful ex librarian*

        good to know! i try to get the store brand of stuff if i can, as it’s usually a dollar or two cheaper at least, but this is good to keep in mind. thank you!

    7. EdgarAllanCat*

      I like almond milk yogurt (coconut / soy / cashew milk is not for me) and only eat sheep or goat cheese. Goat gouda is creamy, mild and versatile. Also found at regular grocery stores (I’m in the US): goat cheddar, mozzarella, Monterey Jack, chèvre, etc.

      Ben & Jerry’s makes a good non-dairy ice cream. Since going non-(cow) dairy, I drink black coffee 99% of the time and with oat milk 1%. Was a vegetarian for 20+ years and now get the dry heaves from just looking at soy milk. I like almond milk & rice milk much better.

      1. hopeful ex librarian*

        i love me some ice cream, so i’ll have to give the non-dairy options a shot! thank you so much!

    8. Joielle*

      I love the Fairlife lactose-free light ice creams! I’m in the same boat of not-officially-diagnosed but probably-lactose-intolerant – but either way, I just feel better if I don’t eat a lot of dairy. I’ve tried a lot of non-dairy ice creams and Fairlife is my favorite.

      For coffee creamers, I personally think Nutpods are gross although a lot of people like them. My favorite is the SO Delicious brand vanilla coconut milk creamer. It’s not super coconut-y and really good in coffee!

      1. Cedrus Libani*

        +1 for Fairlife. I find Lactaid milk to be a downgrade, but Fairlife might actually be an upgrade to the taste of regular milk. Also it’s the same price as Lactaid, at least around here – maybe 2x the cost of regular.

    9. Kara Danvers*

      I became lactose intolerant a few years ago. Usually small amounts (eg whipped cream on a dessert) are fine. Dosing lactaid is… a pain. Eg sometimes I’ll be fine with 4 pills for a normal milkshake. Sometimes I won’t be. I do carry a few pills in my wallet just in case.

      Regularly consuming yogurt ups the amount of dairy I can consume. Though I haven’t been bothering lately. I’ve found that almond/oat/soy-based substitutes are fine.

    10. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Yogurt is a lower lactose milk product because the lactobacillus break it down. I am also told that goat’s milk is lower lactose than cow milk.
      That said, it’s worth checking with a doctor anyway because if it turns out to be an actual allergy, it can get worse over time even if you’re using lactose digesting enzymes.

      1. Happy Thursday-Yay!!!*

        I’ve been lactose intolerant since I was 19 (I turn 61 this September) so for me key was to go dairy free for 2-3 weeks and start to feel well/normal. Then I tried lactose pills but I can’t swallow pills and chewing 3-4 of them was ruining the taste of the food. So I just did without—olive oil instead of butter for bread and cooking, no milk in my French toast just eggs, vanilla and cinnamon, fruit instead of cookies/cakes for dessert. My life was made so much easier with the introduction of 100% lactose free dairy milk (lactaid, fairway, etc) in the 90s, but I still tended to limit it…as I aged I was able to add goat cheese into omelets, and someone made a lactose free cream cheese so I could eat carrot cake. And as I went through menopause, I found I could cheat more often and have a far less sever reaction (was told hormonal changes at pregnancy would have the same result, but I never tested the theory).

        Keep in mind that the symptoms can include headaches and migraines as well as gut-based…and butter shows up in the strangest things— eating chocolate (often made with MILK chocolate, or dark chocolate is often melted in butter), and steak at fine restaurants.

        Plus side? I’ve developed very attuned taste buds in trying to avoid dairy products—I really taste and enjoy my food! It also means I don’t like oat milk in cooking as I always feel like I’m eating the milk at the end of a bowl of cereal.

        Also, I’m 42 years older and weigh only 10 lbs more than I did at 19–much of which is muscle. Also my lipids are really low!!

        Down side? A few things:
        1. Teeth stop absorbing calcium in your early/mid 20s. Got my first cavity at 30, and it hasn’t stopped since then …also started cracking teeth in my mid fifties and needed extractions, implants, crowns, etc.—all at great expense.
        2. Slow digestive tract—was told by my doctor to increase my fat content at 39 (snacks with peanut butter and apples, avocados)—due in part to the lack of dairy fat but also because we don’t eat a lot of red meat. Adding also the fat helped with my pernicious dry skin. And it’s going where it needs to go as my cholesterol is low.

    11. Imtheone*

      Dairy digestive makes a long-acting lactaid product. I used to take it every evening because if I slipped up and had too much dairy, I would wake up with stomach pains.

      You can quickly get used to lactose-free milk. But some people find it still has traces of lactose which is enough to bother them.

      Take the lactaid pills with the first bite or swallow of dairy foods. If you forget, take them anyway since they are likely to still help.

      I’m not that fond of ice cream , but my family liked Tofutti brand products and other soy based frozen desserts.

      Hard cheeses have less lactose, so many people tolerate them better than soft cheeses. I think the aging process breaks down some of the lactose.

    12. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      One thing that can help with label-reading (although it’s less important than it used to be now that they have to list the 8 most common allergens by name if they’re in the food, since milk is one of those allergens) is to know which other diet-related words mean something won’t have dairy in it.

      Vegan is probably the simplest to look for, but anything that’s specifically kosher pareve or kosher meat (which is uncommon to find outside of specialty markets) would also not have dairy in it (things that say kosher dairy would of course have dairy in them, and things that just say kosher with no qualifier might be any of the three categories). A lot of common packaged products will be marked as kosher dairy or kosher pareve if you know what to to look for on labels. (The specific symbol that indicates that a food is kosher will vary depending on the certifier rather than being just one symbol to learn – there are a ton of different ones but you can look up lists of them online. They’ll often have the letter D or the word dairy next to the symbol if it’s a dairy food, and the word pareve if it’s a no dairy or meat food, but they’re not required to.)

    13. NeutralJanet*

      I’ve had lactose issues for a long time, and oat milk is definitely my favorite non-dairy milk option, as it doesn’t have the weird aftertaste of soy milk and it’s much more sustainable than almond milk. I use Silk brand, which is only about $.75 more expensive per half gallon than dairy milk, and since it lasts longer, it’s actually probably cheaper for me, a person who lives alone and pretty much only uses milk in coffee.

  41. summer camp spouse*

    I’m curious, if you work in a school or institutional setting, how’s the food?

    My partner works at a summer camp, and I visit sometimes – it’s less than an hour from home.

    I partake in all the meals, but it’s strange, I am always hungry again an hour or two after eating.

    My current theory is that the food is full of sugar and carbs, and a bit of protein, but very little fat or fiber, so it doesn’t stick around.

    (I was talking to one of the maintenance staff, who works year round and opts to bring her own lunches. She says when she eats vegetables the counselor’s eyes get wide with jealousy.)

    1. fueled by coffee*

      Summer camp food tends to be targeted at things kids will eat, so you end up with lots of chicken fingers/fries/grilled cheese sandwiches and not much adult-oriented food.

      Also, though, my pet theory is that there’s something psychological about having your meals at set times (with the whole camp eating breakfast/lunch/dinner together) and not necessarily having control over when your next meal will be that makes you feel hungrier than you would otherwise with the same amount of food.

      If your spouse has their own living space at camp, I’d recommend stocking up on snacks (in sealed, individual containers if possible – to keep from attracting unwanted critters!) for the between times. Those hummus-and-pretzel packs got me through many summers as a counselor!

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Plastic and plasticized foil are not enough to keep animals from smelling food. Mice will chew into foil-lined hot chocolate packets. And the possibility of attracting bears to a camp with children terrifies me. The camp will have policies on how to store food if a counselor wants to go this route. In the wilds of a 70yo building in Midtown Manhattan, we relied on metal cookie tins to keep mice out of our things.

      2. summer camp spouse*

        I think you’re spot on with both of your observations! “Kid-friendly” food isn’t necessarily the most filling/nutritious, and I bet you’re right about the psychological part as well.

        I love the idea of hummus packs and will stock up :) thank you!

    2. Double A*

      When I taught in a juvenile hall the food was BOMB. We had amazing cooks; one was a weirdo Oath Keeper who eventually moved to Kansas to go be a sovereign citizen or whatever but he was a great cook, but the guy who took over from him was an incredible cook with a heart for service and he put together such a great kitchen program. Kids helped in the kitchen and really took pride in it. The food was delicious and filling.

      That’s pretty unusual; when I worked on a standard public school the food was not great.

    3. Girasol*

      I’ve always been ravenous an hour after a high carb meal like what I was given as a kid: cereal for breakfast and school or camp lunches full of white bread, pasta, and sugary desserts. I always ended up falling out of my chair asleep right after lunch too. The sort of low protein, low fat diet that kids typically get does not work at all for me, although I hear that some people do well on it.

      1. summer camp spouse*

        Yes! I talked with a few other staff members and they also said they’re hungry all the time too.

        Fortunately, rest hour is right after lunch so kids can sleep it off :)

    4. Falling Diphthong*

      My daughter observed re campus food halls that the food had to be generic enough to appeal to everyone. So it was totally fine, even quite good, for one meal. But got redundant and narrow over time. (I’ve cross-applied her observation here to things like why your office entertainment should not be a slasher movie–things that need to work for a broad swath of the population will not be edgy and pushing boundaries, but in a comfortable, unexciting-yet-also-unscary, middle.)

      I cook at home with a lot of vegetables, and prepping them is work–I’m not surprised that those would be minimal in a mass cooking situation. If I’m cooking for a crowd, it’s prepping four times the green beans, four times the onion, etc that takes up the time–not cooking four times the chicken.

      1. summer camp spouse*

        I had similar observations on the dining hall food at college. It was amazing for the first few weeks, but by the end of the year I was pretty tired of my daily dinner of Potatoes of the Day, Steamed Veggies of the Day, and Milk.

        And yes – keeping the labor to a minimum is definitely required when feeding 100+ people! I don’t begrudge them at all for using shortcuts. And honestly, I don’t think the kids eat many veggies even when they’re an option. Definitely a tough balance to strike when feeding a lot of people with different preferences!

    6. Rara Avis*

      My school has amazing food with lots of choices. In the summer there are fewer choices — main choice, veggie choice, sandwich fixings.

    7. just a random teacher*

      I’ve taught for over a decade, across multiple districts. The only time I ever ate school lunch was the one day I was supposed to have a morning-only substitute job, and they asked if I could extend for the full day. Since I hadn’t packed a lunch and I didn’t have enough down time to make a run somewhere else I hit up the cafeteria salad bar. It was pretty disappointing in terms of quality and variety, but it worked for the day.

      I’d love to teach somewhere with meals I actually wanted to eat, but the rules for the federal lunch program really tie their hands in a lot of ways in terms of what they offer, and that plus needing to do everything as cheaply as possible means that I’ve never been able to talk myself into eating cafeteria food. The school I student taught in had a milk vending machine, though. I used that thing a lot, and I wish any of the places I’ve taught since had one.

      I pretty much never ate cafeteria food as a kid, either, except in college when I was required to have a meal plan and lived on campus in a dorm. I didn’t like it then, either. I think I just know what I do and don’t like to eat, and also need to work through so many food allergies and dietary sensitivities, that I don’t do well in a “casserole surprise” food situation. (In college, I once asked the cafeteria worker if the entree he was serving had soy in it, and he stirred the pan a bit trying to look and see! I still wish I could have asked him to draw a picture of what he was looking for.)

      1. summer camp spouse*

        That makes sense! It sounds like school lunches are possibly another step or two down in quality from camp meals.

        I love the idea of a milk vending machine!

  42. summer camp spouse*

    On a totally different note, I’m convinced that the staff of a summer camp would be an excellent setting for the next young adult drama/ comedy. We’ve got a bunch of young adults living and working together 24/7, among them several couples. (Most of the staff are queer.) There have been plenty of COVID cases among both staff and kids, and lots of ups and downs that I don’t feel like are my stories to share on the internet… I guess you’ll have to take my word for it that truth is stranger than fiction.

    1. Irish Teacher*

      I am adamant that the world needs a Gaeltacht story. Sleepaway summer camps aren’t that common in Ireland, but there IS a young teenage rite of passage where kids go to the Gaeltacht (area of Ireland where Irish is the spoken language) to improve their language skills and have a sort of summer camp-like experience. I can’t think of a plot for one myself and it seems like it would work better as a light-hearted young adult drama/comedy/romance/friendship story than my style of writing which one of my friends described as “traumatising teenage girls.”

      And I teach, but most of us bring our own lunches. There is food for the kids, not meals but sort of takeaway stuff that we are allowed to have IF there is some leftover once the kids have eaten, but apart from a few breadsticks and maybe a packet of crackers, I don’t really. Mostly because I’m a super-fussy eater and also because I’m never sure at what point it is “right, the kids have clearly taken what they want now.”

      1. fueled by coffee*

        I’m American and would 100% watch this. Love the idea of teen drama against the backdrop of the (political? emotional?) motivations behind going to such lengths to learn and maintain Irish.

      2. AGD*

        I would LOVE to watch a show like this. I’ve always thought there aren’t enough TV shows where the characters speak different languages at different times!

    2. Swiss Miss*

      Have you ever seen the movie Wet Hot American Summer? Sounds like what you’re looking for.

        1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

          Also, the film *Little Darlings* (1980ish). It *sounds* very problematic — it’s about a contest to have two teens lose their virginity — but the overall wholesome message is that sex is something special and that it’s really best to wait until you’re older and truly in love with someone. I love that movie.

          1. The OG Sleepless*

            Little Darlings was filmed at a state park near my hometown! I was in middle school. It was quite exciting, and then we were bummed because our parents wouldn’t let us see the movie.

          2. summer camp spouse*

            I’m sensing a theme of camp movies involving sex! Lol. This sounds cute and I’ll see if I can find it!

    3. Bunny Girl*

      I’ve never worked in a summer camp, but I did work for haunted attractions for close to ten years and I always thought that would make an excellent drama/comedy. You are stuck together for 6-8 weeks, everyone’s a little weird anyway, everyone is sleep deprived, and there is always enough dating stories fill a soap opera.

    4. KristinaL*

      Gordan Korman wrote a book called “I want to go home” It’s written more for young teenagers, but the staff is involved, and the book is just hilarious. I haven’t read it for a while, but when I do, I sometimes laugh out loud, which I don’t do that often while reading.

      1. summer camp spouse*

        This sounds really fun! It took me a while to track down – it’s out of print and not available at my library – but I might get a used copy just for fun!

          1. NeonFireworks*

            That one is hilarious! It’s reminded me that I read a bunch of summer camp books as a kid because while I REALLY didn’t want to go myself (I was a city kid and a bit of a scaredy cat), I was fascinated with the idea and kept taking books out the library that would enable me to experience it vicariously.

            Hail, Hail Camp Timberwood by Ellen Conford
            Yours Till Niagara Falls, Abby by Jane O’Connor
            There’s a Bat in Bunk Five by Paula Danziger
            Darci in Cabin 13 by Martha Tolles
            Daring to Be Abigail by Rachel Vail
            Help! I’m Trapped in the First Day of Summer Camp by Todd Strasser
            Letters from Camp by Kate Klise and M. Sarah Klise

            A couple of these were published in the late ’90s, when I was definitely too old for middle grade novels, but I read them anyway, haha!

  43. Beethoven, nooooo!*

    Ugh, I’m stressed about what seem to be small leaks in my basement. We get very heavy storms this time of year and it’s not infrequent that I find small (or even not so small!) trickles of water in weird places when this happens. I worry about mold and mildew and I … just don’t think rainwater should be coming into my house, on principle. But people have warned me that the basement sealing industry is a bit weird and might not be good. Has anyone hired a contractor to seal up the basement? I really don’t know how the water is getting in so it will be a whole investigation and probably there’s multiple solutions required. Other than getting a new dehumidifier, any other suggestions I can do myself to combat this?

    1. fposte*

      Basements on most areas are an eternal battle. But it’s worth looking not just at the basement but at the water drainage on and around the house. My gutters were too small for our cloudbursts, for instance, so better guttering helped reduce the amount of water that was percolating next to my foundation in the first place. Then I just painted some Drylok over the tricky bits and things have been fine since then.

      1. Beethoven, nooooo!*

        Thank you for this! that’s a good reminder I need to go around and check all my gutter extensions. I don’t understand it exactly but people have warned me the water could just be coming through the bricks in some places from the soil itself.

        1. fposte*

          My gutters and downspouts were too narrow, too, so consider if it might be worth upgrading. Guttering is surprisingly cheap compared to most home repair.

    2. Texan In Exile*

      We tried stuffing rags in the basement sewer drain on the mistaken thought that we could keep our basement dry that way.

      Water laughed at us and said, “Watch me come up through the cracks in the cement floor under the carpeted part of your basement.”

      We did/do these things now:

      * We extended our gutters to keep water from draining near our house
      * We roto-rooter our lateral sewer line every other year
      * We don’t flush anything but what comes out of our bodies and TP. I don’t even clean my hairbrush over the toilet.
      * When it’s raining really hard, we do not wash clothes or take showers or do other activities that put more water into our sewer lines

      But we will never completely solve the basement damp problem. We have a dehumidifier and have corrugated boxes on shelves or 2x4s, but – it’s a basement. It gets wet. It helps me to think that our house is almost 100 years old and still standing, despite almost a century of rain and damp.

    3. Chapeau*

      Are there actual cracks/openings where water is coming in, or is it just kind of coming through solid-looking walls? If there are cracks, there is a kind of cement that you can use to patch those spots. I got it in a bucket at lowes or home depot. I want to say pneumatic cement, but I’m pretty sure that’s not quite the right name.
      Outside, I put cement channels under my downspouts to put the water from the downspouts further from the foundation. I do need to re-grade one spot in my yard, which kind of slants a bit toward the house instead of away from it, but that’s a bigger project than I wanted to do this summer.
      I also noticed that our problem got a bit worse when I removed some shrubs from flower beds near the foundation, so adding small foundation plantings might help to absorb any excess water.

    4. EdgarAllanCat*

      The ground in our area is clay-heavy and exterior drainage was compressed over time. Found it worthwhile to fill in cracks in basement walls, but not on the cement floor. Eventually got a sump pump which involved breaking up concrete on interior perimeter of the floor to install drainage tiles. It was very pricey, imo, but worth every penny to have a dry basement. I still have anxiety dreams about water in the basement, tho, which provided a (nice?) change to the naked, high school test dreams.

    5. Missb*

      When we first moved into this 100-year old house, we noted that there was an actual pathway for water to leave the basement. The basement is also the garage, so the pathway flowed from the back of the basement to the front, out the bottom of the garage door, lol .

      We had to do a lot of work around the base of the house to straighten all of it out. We were working on a wraparound porch to replace an old deck, so while we had that area open, we just did trenches in the front yard to go out to the street (the pipes terminate on our property on the hill, and the water slowly filters to the ditch, so it isn’t like you see water flowing). But it meant a lot of open trenches!

      On the other side of the house, we put in a dry well and routed pipes to it. All of our old gutter drains had clay pipes underground that had probably worked at one point, but they were probably also close to 100 years old, so they were broken.

      We nearly listed our house a couple of years ago, and a realtor came over to tour it and figure out what price we could list it at – and she stepped into the unfinished basement, removed her mask (horror! peak covid!) and said, oh good, it doesn’t smell musty down here at all. So, basically I think all the work we did was worth it.

      We do have one area that we still need to deal with, but there is a cobblestone patio in the way. We’ll have to dig out the cobbles to reroute drainage in that area. It’s on the list for next year, as I hate – absolutely hate – cobblestone patios. They’re natural cobbles, so rock that was once used as ship ballast but was then used to make streets. Charming stuff, but I much prefer it as a vertical surface rather than a horizontal one. It’s nearly impossible to place all four legs of a chair on an even surface. So we’re having the contractor dig it up and pour a concrete patio. The cobbles will be used as mini retaining walls when we regrade the backyard lawn which currently slopes in two different directions.

      And then our 20 year drainage project will finally be complete.

    6. Doctor is In*

      Our house had poor construction and clay soil with leaking through cracks in the floor with very heavy rain. B Dry solved it. They channel the water as mentioned above and it is pumped out. No issues for 10 years except the power failure after 5 inches of rain, when we hauled buckets out from the sump well by hand till the power came back on.

    7. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Look up land drains and dry wells. If you have a slope tilting towards your house, there may be buried pipes designed to help direct water around the foundations and/or an underground cistern that helps catch lots of water at one time. Any of that can get plugged. In my case there is a dry well under the patio, which we figured out because the snow melts there in a circle every winter.

    8. Not So NewReader*

      In addition to what others have said, I had to pull plants away from my foundation. They directed water toward the foundation and blocked the light from helping in evaporation.

      Puddles outside indicate that the ground beneath is saturated. These puddles may be clues about how drainage needs to be installed.

      Another odd thing to check is to see if there is a leak in your water line. You’d be able to figure this out by noting if there are unexplained problems with water pressure in your house.

      The problem I see with sealing a basement is that it’s a bandaid. Figuring out where the water is coming from is more to the point. You can check with neighbors in your area to see who they have contacted and who has successfully redirected underground water flows. Once you have a handle on the water flows, then sealing the basement might be okay.

      One thing I like to do is check for water loving plants outside- such as willow trees. If a willow tree is thriving there is probably a steady supply of underground water.

    9. Chaordic One*

      Aside from the comments about directing water away from your house, I keep thinking about those old episodes on HGTV. It might have been on “Love It or List It.” They excavated around the foundation on the exterior of the house. Sometimes they glued plastic water barriers to the outside of the foundation to keep the groundwater out. Other times they covered the outside of the foundation with a thick black substance that sort of looked like tar and that dried and that then became a barrier to keep the groundwater out. I seem to recall them saying it cost $8,000.00 to repair one foundation this way, but I imagine it would be a lot more expensive now.

  44. RMNPgirl*

    I adopted a new cat two weeks ago after my previous little girl passed away suddenly from cancer in January. He is 8 years old and long-haired (I think he may have some Maine Coon in him). He was surrendered at the shelter because he didn’t get along with the other animals in the home and didn’t like all the activity with kids and people in and out. He was at the shelter for a month and had to have some teeth removed. I’m pretty sure he was neglected in his old home.
    My question is how long will it take for him to realize that he has a great home now and is allowed to do pretty much anything except scratch furniture? He won’t get in my lap or sleep with me, but he does like it when I pet him and brush him. He does knead me occasionally when I’m petting him. He obviously doesn’t fully trust me yet and is still wary of me.

    1. KatEnigma*

      Two weeks just for him to start acting like himself. After that…. some cats NEVER are lap cats like that. The humane society said our current cat was 12 weeks when we adopted her. She was more like 6 weeks at most. (they also claimed she was negative for fel-v. She was not) So we know that her entire life she was nothing but spoiled, but she doesn’t really do laps, at all. She does sleep with us, but we’ve had other cats who never did, that we adopted very young. Yours may come around in a couple more weeks, but he also might not be a lovey-dovey cat ever. Embrace the personality he does have.

      1. just some guy*

        Yeah, some cats are obvious about it when they love somebody, some are more subtle.

        My first cat is an independent spirit and she’s never been a lap cat – pretty much the only way she wants to cuddle is when I’m lying back and she’s sitting on my chest. Sometimes she wants to cuddle five times a day, sometimes months go by when for some reason she’s just not in the mood.

        But even during those times… often I’d be working late at night, and she’d start yelling at me, and I couldn’t work out what she wanted. Not food, not petting, not chasing a toy. Eventually I worked out that she wanted me to go to bed so she could sit next to my feet, or she wanted me to go out to the balcony with her and keep her company while she watched the nightlife. She doesn’t always want petting but she very much wants to be around me; if I’m out for the day, when I come back in she’ll come running to make sure I’m back. It’s not as overt as cuddling, but eventually I realised that I should be taking it as a sign of love.

    2. merp*

      They are all different but best thing you can do is what it sounds like you are doing! Do the things with him he enjoys, don’t force the rest, and he’ll settle in. 2 weeks is pretty short, I think my very shy foster stayed that way in her adopted him for a month or so, maybe a little longer.

    3. Beethoven, nooooo!*

      Two weeks is very short – it sounds like you’re doing great! I know for dogs they say three months before they really believe this is a new home, not just another temporary place to stay. I think it’s more notable in animals that had multiple foster homes with intermediate stays. One tip I used on my cat, I found a treat she really liked (canned tuna) and would only give it to her when she was like purring right next to me or on my lap. This helps them associate being held with a pleasant thing and general feelings of contentedness. After a few weeks of that I noticed she was much more likely to voluntarily get close to me even with out the tuna because the association was there. It’s true that some cats never get truly lovey-lovey (even from kittenhood, they have distinct personalities around how outgoing they are) but I have appreciation for the ways they do show their trust and love even if they won’t let you carry them around or whatever.

    4. Flower necklace*

      My cat spent his first two weeks with me sleeping under the bed. Even after he stopped hiding, it took him over a year to sleep on the bed. He still doesn’t do it consistently, but I’ve realized that he’ll nap with me if I catch him in the early afternoon. I also noticed that he’ll sleep on top of a sweater, no matter where it is, so I’ve used that trick to get him to sleep in places within easy reach.

      Of course, he ignores the expensive cat cubes and cat trees in favor of a chair with a sweater on top of it, but that’s cats for you . . .

    5. Random tuesday*

      I got a maine coon with a feral kittenhood, but when I got him he’d been living with humans for a year. He never truly became a lap cat but with the judicious application of butter on my finger (from toast) he learned to settle beside me on the couch. That took three or four years. At the end of his life he appreciated a good lap, so long as it was outside. 10 years for that. I hope you enjoy your cat and do stay on top of the brushing. I don’t miss the middle of the night hairballs.

    6. RagingADHD*

      We shamelessly bribe cats by putting treats in our laps or giving them lickable squeeze-up treats. Most cats I’ve met will do anything or tolerate anything for a licky treat.

    7. GoryDetails*

      Congrats on the new cat! And I agree that it’s early days yet. My last long-haired cat was also a senior cat, adopted from a long-term foster situation with multiple cats; he came to me badly overweight and with his amazingly long fur (his ruff measured a good six inches and he couldn’t groom it without it getting caught in his mouth) unkempt, and it took a while for him to mellow out. He never did become a full-on lap cat, but he became very fond of perching on the arm of my comfy chair with his paws on my leg; not sure if he just got too hot if he piled his well-insulated self onto my well-insulated self or if he ever was a lap-cat, but he did like being close-but-not-on. If your cat’s wary, finding ways to be near but non-threatening is probably your best bet; sit near him to read while studiously ignoring him (but perhaps dropping a treat or two), that kind of thing.

    8. RMNPgirl*

      Thanks everyone for the kind replies. I’ve had cats my whole life and this is the first time I haven’t had one warm up within a week, I guess I’ve just been lucky in the past! We just had a good brushing session and he loved that and I’m learning the wet food he likes and giving him that to entice him. I’ll just keep working on being patient and letting him dictate the terms, it’s just hard because I am not known for my patience :)!

    9. Rara Avis*

      We adopted two difficult cats in a row. We’ve had Leo for several years and he will jump up for a cuddle but 2 minutes is his max. Arty came to us in January. She will weave around my legs and allow pets if I’m sitting at the table but runs from the rest of my family and all other attempts to engage with her. It’s tough because Lysander (who died at 18 last May) was a love-bug. — when we returned after vacations he would follow us around until we sat down and made a lap for him. We just keep trying to civilize Leo and Arty bit by bit.

    10. Not So NewReader*

      Two weeks is great!!

      I had one cat that took a good year. She kind of got used to us after she spend two weeks hiding under a bed. But it was a year before she was able to go in and out of all the rooms in the house. She was a rescue and several years old. Her breed is kind of timid by nature so she was not starting from a strong place. She finally got so she played with the other cat and she was not alarmed when the dog nose-bumped her. All this took quite a while.

  45. UKDancer*

    I’m curious about tattoos. I did a dance class today and looking around the class and the changing room I think I was the only person without any tattoos despite being broadly the same generation as most of the others. Largely because I’ve never found anything I’d want on my skin permanently (although I do use temporary glitter ones for parties) as I like to change things up often. It was interesting to me that it’s become so much more common.

    If you have tattoos I’d love to know what you picked and why and if you have a favourite one. Just because it’s fascinating to see the variety of things people have and wonder what motivated them.

    1. Beethoven, nooooo!*

      Part of the reason it’s become more common I think is that there’s been a jump in the quality of like, fine-line aesthetic tattoos that look a bit more artistic and fit with a different “look” – lots of beautiful botanicals and animal forms that depart from the earlier tough-guy/girl aesthetic. I don’t know if it was a jump in training, technique, or technology but it is noticeable in my set.

      1. UKDancer*

        Yes definitely. Some of the people at class had some really pretty designs which was what set me thinking about it.

    2. merp*

      I have 5 now, and I think my favorites are my moth tattoo and whale tattoo, which I got for the very deep reasoning that I think moths and whales are neat creatures haha. I’m about to get a subtle-ish tribute tattoo to a favorite tv show and maybe that’ll end up the favorite, who knows!

        1. merp*

          Our Flag Means Death! I’m getting a sketch of the Revenge tattooed haha, that show has taken over my whole heart.

    3. KoiFeeder*

      I would like to have tattoos, and I have a wide variety of ideas, but the two non-negotiable ones are
      1) a Chinese Water Dragon behind one ear, in honor of my childhood lizard Galileo
      2) a leaping koi where the doctors were debating putting a colostomy bag before I got put on the medication that stopped my intestines from going septic and dying by inches, modeled after our at least 30 year old koi (she’s older than I am!) and beloved pond queen who has survived every disaster that befell the pond.

    4. Bunny Girl*

      I have 14 now (and counting) and most of mine are horror/band/animal themed. If I had to chose a favorite I’d probably say it’s one of my most recent. I have a grumpy ten year old rabbit that a friend sketched into a floral portrait and I find just the right person to bring it to life. My other two favorites are probably my most simple. I have a triangle on my finger for my favorite movie, and I have a green line tattooed on my stomach because I used to work in Vet Med and that’s what they did to cats who are spayed and I had a hysterectomy.

    5. VLookupsAreMyLife*

      I got my first 2 years ago at age 41. My siblings & I got matching tattoos that denote our birth order & cultural heritage. Next up is a watercolor tribute to my beloved canine companion of 15 years who passed during the pandemic. I agree with Beethoven about changes in artistic quality & aesthetics being major factors in my decision to get inked later in life vs younger. Tattooing has become more of a legitimate & respected art form in the past 20 years.

    6. Who am I?*

      Going anon because I know some of my coworkers read here. I have a dragon presiding over a hoard of books on my upper arm, and I’d like to eventually like to extend the library and add another dragon or two to make it cover the whole arm.

      I never had any particular desire to get a tattoo, but my partner drew the design on my arm in sharpie one day, just messing around, and I unexpectedly loved it. I figured if I made it into my 30s with a love of both dragons and books, that was unlikely to ever change.

      For a few months, I just held onto the idea and didn’t act on it. When I still wanted to make it permanent, I found an artist I liked and got on his waiting list. It was over a year from getting the idea to actually going through with the tattoo, and that was a good choice for me.

      Since I’m risk averse, I also read everything I could find on tattoo regret. It seems that getting anything with words or lettering has a higher likelihood of going wrong or causing regret later. Mine has no text, and no references to any other characters or people. The design is original, based on my partner’s sharpie drawing with some requested modifications from the tattoo artist, and I rather like knowing it’s a unique piece.

    7. RMNPgirl*

      I have cat paw prints that I got in honor of all of my cats. I got it a few months after the kitten I had adopted passed away from FIP which was only a couple months after our family cat died at age 20.

      1. TPS reporter*

        I have one too to commemorate mt past cats. I love being able to look at it and think about them whenever I want. It’s a fine line drawing so I am happy about the new styles that have come out. It took me a long time to decide and commit to what I wanted.

    8. Joielle*

      I love tattoos! Like a lot of people, my first one was carefully chosen with a deep meaning (tribute to a friend who passed away very young) but after that it’s just been like – ooo, that’s pretty! I like going to tattoo conventions where people have a lot of pre-drawn flash and I can just pick one that I like. For me it’s just art that I get to carry around with me all the time.

    9. Sabine the Very Mean*

      I have four and my favorite is of Max knighting a monster from Where the Wild Things Are.

    10. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I have a gazillion and twelve (ok, 25) and picking a favorite is hard, but if I had to pick one – I have, on my upper back, the line “chase the wind // touch the sky” from the Brave credit song. I am a daddy’s girl with expansive red hair and a mom with well-behaved straight brown hair who spent my childhood struggling with the fact that my dad would let me get away with anything and she had to be the bad guy, if there was going to be any discipline. So since the movie came out, I’ve identified with it very strongly. On my tattoo, “chase the wind” is in my father’s handwriting, “touch the sky” is in my mom’s, and the heart in between the two (they’re on two lines) was drawn by me.

      I have several other song lyric tattoos – “never alone” in my best friend’s handwriting, “with bare feet broken in the snow” (Sully Erna), “creatures made of sunlight don’t intend it when they burn” (Vixy and Tony), “my story is not done” (Seanan McGuire – this tattoo is also a Dark Tower homage). I have two Dark Tower tattoos including that one because it’s one of my favorite book series. The “creatures made of sunlight” quote also includes a Corax glyph from the old World of Darkness game series, and I have a Glass Walker Galliard glyph from the same game series wrapped in ivy. Those are the notably meaningful ones. The rest are more along the lines of “I thought it was neat.” :)

    11. NeutralJanet*

      I have Immanuel Kant’s signature on my back, because I literally managed to talk myself out of committing suicide several times using Kantian arguments. It is also a very aesthetically pleasing signature, and it looks kind of sexy the way I have it placed, going vertically down my shoulder blade (rather than horizontally, like how he actually signed his name). I also have biangles (a bisexual symbol that is a pink triangle and a blue triangle overlapping, with the overlapping section being purple) on the base of my neck because…I’m bisexual. My most recent tattoo is a large piece on my upper arm, a ghost surrounded by a camera, a telescope, a violin, and a bear, which is an homage to Ghost Quartet, the coolest piece of live theater I’ve ever seen.

      Writing this out, I’ve realized that I actually haven’t gotten any tattoos in four years–might be time to plan my next one!

    12. Jay*

      My daughter was very close to my mom and was 17 when my mother died. She wanted us to get a family tattoo in memory of her grandmother and chose the number 17, which was my mother’s favorite number. Kid has XVII on her ribs, I have the word “seventeen” in kid’s handwriting on my foot, and hubs has 17 on his arm. He added three tigers surrounding the number to represent the three of us and plans to have the artist put a geological cross-section under the tigers.

      I never thought I’d get a tattoo and I love mine. It’s on my foot so I can see it. I’m planning to get a hamsa at some point – haven’t decided where because I still want to see it and since it will be larger than the “seventeen” I’m not sure where to put it.

    13. Annie May*

      I have five paw prints on the inside of my wrist in honor of the cats who have meant something special in my life. I don’t have any pets currently (hope to rectify that later this year), but when I see it/them, I think happy thoughts of my fur loves.

      My other tattoo is a butterfly that is the fraternal twin of my mom’s (same design, but different colors and opposite ankle). We are a lot, but not completely, alike.

      My next tattoo will be in honor of my dad, who passed away from Alzheimer’s almost six years ago. I haven’t quite decided on the design yet, but think that one will go on my shoulder.

      My best advice is to sit with the idea for a while. Perhaps a practice Sharpie or henna of the design/location first. If you are thinking of putting it in a place where you’d regularly see it (e.g., not your back), how do you feel when your eyes catche it in the shower, etc?

    14. Danish*

      I have three! The first is the ANBU symbol, which is basically like “super special elite ninja!!” from Naruto (an anime). I’m not into the show anymore, but even at the time I was mostly using it as fitness motivation, and the design is cool enough that not being into the show doesn’t really matter.

      My second was a half sleeve of colorful scales, simply because I liked the pattern. However, one of my little joys now is how excited other people get, and hearing their own interpretations. Since it has no meaning to me, it’s fun to hear what people’s assumptions/guesses are. I’ve gotten “ooh dragon!” or “I love mermaids!” but actually the most common is people assuming it’s from Rainbow Fish – a cute kids’ story about a fish with iridescent scales who gives them away one by one until they only have one, but all of their friends also all have one – because some of the scales are colorless/empty space. I find it really charming that so many people remember that story and apply it to this design. Idk, just kind of, oh, people are cute!

      My last is deer skull with flowers in its horns, a random design with no meaning created by a friend who was in her tattoo apprenticeship and needed to practice. I guess if I had to say it had a meaning it would be WOO MY FRIEND IS SO AWESOME WTF I’D BE HONORED FOR HER TO PRACTICE ON ME because her journey to tattoo artist has been fraught and inspiring.

      So I guess, all of that to say, you hear a lot about how tattoos are permanent and so should be carefully chosen and meaningful but they really don’t have to be, or it’s possible that meaning might develop after the fact.

      Fir me, I like having color and lines on my skin and that’s good enough. Tattoo coverups and modifications are also common enough now that if I start really disliking these I know I could change them to something else.

  46. Bibliovore*

    I think I should have posted on Good News Friday but I think this a crossover.
    Recap- Window washers damaged windows! Said that the streaks they caused on the windows were permanent because of leaky seals and these things happen. Said the old windows were at the end of their lives and needed to be replaced. I paid them and had a melt-down.

    I took the great advice from the commentariat and wrote down everything.
    Sent a note to the company.
    Had my contractor come over and take a look on Monday.
    He said, Hey- they were just inexperienced. The windows are not permanently damaged. The frames just need to be unscrewed. There are no seals. Here is what they can do to fix the situation.
    The next day the owner of the window washing company came over.
    Before I said anything, he apologized profusely for his ignorant workers.
    Did I know how rare and special my windows were? They are Whitney!
    And then he told me why they were so fabulous. Hand worked wooden tracks and frames! Hand poured glass!
    He told me this history of the company AND how the windows were made.
    Don’t let anyone talk you into replacing these!
    He knows a restorer if I want to clean up the frames.
    They only see these every twelve years or so!
    He is so, so, so sorry. Could his brother come with a few workers and do the whole job over?
    Could he take videos to train his crews?
    Oh and thank you he said to me for wearing a mask- his wife is immune compromised. (I didn’t even have to ask him to put one on- an N95)

    I think this is a work thing- not my work but I will repost tomorrow if its not appropriate.
    I hired a reputable window cleaning company- referred by my contractor, good reviews on-line. They weren’t cheap. I spoke to them on the phone and noted this was an old house with the original windows. They were very reassuring.
    Yesterday, they came on time. I spoke to the lead about the windows- my concerns that they were old and if there were any problems just skip them or come to me. I was on the porch the whole time they were there with the dogs.
    They finished the job in a timely manner.
    The lead said I need to show you something-
    He said- these windows are old, the seals are broken, the cleaning water leaked through and created drip marks between the panes. There is nothing we can do to fix this. These windows are beyond their lifespan.

    The drip marks are permanent.

    I just didn’t know what to say.
    We have had the windows cleaned numerous times over the past ten years and NEVER had this problem. (the husband was in charge of delegating this task. I have washed the ground floor ones myself and never had this happen!)
    Why didn’t this person tell me when he discovered the problem in THE FIRST window and give me the option to have them stop.
    I paid them (and tipped them, because you know Covid) and was trying not to over react (because big feelings.)

    Yes these windows are 70 years old but they are functional, they keep the wind and cold out. I had an awful experience with “modern” window replacement in my former coop. I have been told by everyone in my neighborhood, don’t let anyone talk you into replacing them.

    So now- almost every window of this midcentury modern house has permanent drip streaks running down them.
    What do I do?-
    I want to calmly call the window washing firm but I just don’t have the words.
    I am blaming myself for not standing next to them and saying show me how you plan on washing these windows.
    This issue never even occurred to me.
    (and I have big feelings because Mr. Bibliovore died last year)

    Please give me a script to speak to the management of the company.
    What is a reasonable response?

    5. the cat's ass*

      wow. I adore a happy ending. You spoke up, were heard and they’re going to fix it! Perfect.

    6. GoryDetails*

      That is the coolest update! The owner’s enthusiasm for windows is charming, and the bit about taking videos to train the crew sounds like “advice from AAM” (if the window guy had written in about dealing with his newbies). Hope your windows are gleaming again soon, whether or not they get immortalized as training material {grin}.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Yeah, I am really impressed with that owner. And I learned something about older windows, too!

        I am so happy for you that this played out so well.

  47. New Berlin*

    I went to a musical with a friend in the city. (We were meeting at the theater.) I arranged a ride in a town car with a service for myself- so I made a reservation in advance and paid for it. Well, the day of the musical as I was on my way, my friend texted me asking if I could give her a ride home. I told her that I had a car picking me up. She said, “Oh, I thought you were driving.” I said no, that I made a reservation. She then said, “Can you see if they can take me home?” I replied that I wasn’t sure because I made a reservation, plus you would have to pay for it. I also wasn’t sure if they can change the route either. She then said, “Can you ask them if they can change the route? I’ll give money for it.”

    I’m just a little surprised that she wouldn’t already have a ride home. Usually she takes an Uber, so I don’t know what was going on. She ended up taking an Uber, but I’m just confused as to why she would wait so last minute to arrange something.

    I feel bad for not being able to do more, but I feel uneasy about the way she was asking me for a ride home at the last minute. Am I overreacting? Any thoughts?

    1. Beethoven, nooooo*

      It doesn’t seem strange to me that a good friend would inquire about sharing a ride home. It doesn’t sound like she insisted or was rude when you declined. Uber pricing can surge unpredictably so perhaps that was the issue; in her mind you two might have been splitting the cost, saving you both money. Having two people go to the trouble or separately arranging two separate car services also seems inefficient if you could alternate. You would just have needed to know earlier but she thought you were driving.

      1. anonagain*

        I agree. Your friend’s behavior seems fine to me. (Also, I would consider “last minute” to be asking for a ride home after the show was over.)

        Thinking about this the next day seems like an overreaction to me, yes.

    2. RagingADHD*

      I think you are over reacting, yes. Getting a ride, even from a car service, is not usually something that requires a lot of complex advance planning. And IME, car services are usually absolutely fine with adding stops or going a different route. They are not airplanes. They don’t need to file a flight plan.

      Asking about getting a ride home from an event is a very normal thing to do among friends. If she expected you to go a very long way out of your way, or wasn’t willing to pay, or acted huffy about it, then she would be in the wrong. But she handled it right.

    3. CTT*

      She shouldn’t have pushed it, but I also don’t think trying to coordinate a ride the day of an event is an inappropriate last-minute request (if you were sitting down in the theater and she asked, that’s last minute).

    4. Cordelia*

      hmm, sounds like your friend was thinking “I wonder if New Berlin is driving tonight and can give me a ride home, if not I’ll get an Uber. Oh, right, she’s already got a car booked, maybe we can share and both save money”. And so she suggested this, you said no so she got an Uber instead. Unless she was upset or annoyed with you, which it doesn’t sound like she was, it sounds perfectly reasonable, I don’t really understand what is making you uneasy about this?

    5. Tallie*

      I think feeling uneasy because a friend suggests sharing a ride is a very peculiar reaction, and it might be worth spending some time figuring out why that request elicited that response from you. It’s a very, very normal thing to discuss between friends in my experience, and I’d be taken aback (to put it mildly!) by a friend of mine responding as you did. It would make me feel very unwelcome and have me questioning whether you really are a friend. Do you really like this person? Are you their friend? If so, why did this request put your back up so badly? I’d spend some time considering that, as it seems that there must be an underlying reason for you to overreact like this.

      (Asking the car service to add a stop to a journey is not a big deal, it’s very common and they would almost certainly have been able to accommodate the request. If they weren’t, for some reason, that’s all you had to say.)

      1. New Berlin*

        I don’t think discussing rides home should end a friendship. I just wasn’t sure how the car service reservation system worked and 1.) If they allowed you to change the route and 2.) If they charged a fee for this. Also, we talked days prior to the musical about meeting up, possibly going for dinner before hand (we didn’t do this.) She never mentioned anything about rides home. I assumed she would take an Uber up and back because she normally does that or have some sort of plan on how to get home. Next time we plan something, I’ll be sure to discuss it.

        1. WellRed*

          Having never booked a car service myself, I also would have wondered if it’s ok to add a stop and whether that adds a cost.

        2. Tallie*

          OK, but why did you react so strongly to her question? That’s the weird part. You said it made you uneasy, and characterised it as “last minute” even though it seems to have been before the theater, so at least a couple of hours before the time of the ride in question. It’s that reaction from you which feel out of proportion and beeds contemplation, in my opinion. Where did that come from? Being “uneasy” because a friend asks about sharing a ride is a LOT.

              1. KatEnigma*

                How you tell me your Meyers-Briggs type without telling me your Meyers-Briggs type .. At least the last letter of it

                An hour before the concert is last minute to a lot of people and asking me to change my plans at that point would also give me anxiety. But I’ve mellowed a lot after 20 years of being married to a “P” so I wouldn’t be upset by just the ask.

              2. fhqwhgads*

                An hour before a live show is last minute. Unless you live super close by, a lot of people would have already left by then.

                1. fhqwhgads*

                  I should’ve said, the timing is critical to answering the OP’s question. Knowing it was an hour before rather than, say, first thing in the morning day of or some other earlier time would completely change my answer.

                3. fhqwhgads*

                  I know she wanted a ride home, not a ride there, but if you’re waiting until someone is already on the way to the thing you’re going to before you ask them to bring you home, it means you’re going without a plan on how you’ll get back. In other words – it is last minute. I was replying to chain that implied an hour before the show was not last minute.

                4. Lexi Vipond*

                  That’s a very ‘it depends’ thing – from most local events I could get a bus home, or flag down a taxi, or walk an hour or so if I felt like it, or run into one of several friends who drive more or less past my door to get home and like a chance to chat – I mean, I usually have an idea what I’m going to do, but I rarely have an unchangeable Plan until I’m actually standing at the bus stop or whatever it ends up being.

    6. Maggie*

      I guess I’m wondering why her asking for a ride with you would make you uneasy? Also booking a town car is not really a common mode of transportation at least among people I know in my city (and I rarely to never see people using them or getting in or out at restaurants etc) so it’s possible she didn’t understand that there were strict guidelines for it. Idk it’s a professional car and she asked if she can ride with you and she offered to pay. I just don’t really see what is at all weird about this or even something of note. So yeah unless there’s some other big factor it seems like a pretty outsized reaction to someone asking for a ride.

    7. Sabine the Very Mean*

      I’m answering this way because I have people in my life who put me in positions where I have to either say no or cross my own established boundary by them choosing not to mention they didn’t find a hotel room in my city until they arrive expecting to stay at my place (for example). So my immediate thought would be that I was being used or bamboozled in some way or taken advantage of. But you’ll have to gauge the nature of your friendship to know if this happened here.

    8. Joielle*

      I think the first ask was fine but she was a little too persistent. Not like in a friendship-ending way but in kind of a rude way. If you had wanted to rearrange your transportation to accommodate her, you would have offered! Ask vs guess culture mismatch, maybe. But for me (decidedly a guess culture person), I think if she had some particular reason that she didn’t want to take an Uber, she should have said so. Otherwise, she should have just decided on an Uber the first time you didn’t offer to change your car arrangement.

    9. Epsilon Delta*

      I’ll be the minority here and agree with you that this seem a little odd. Not like omg what a rude affront, but kind of weirdly needy? I think the thing that makes me feel that way is her asking twice if you could have them drop her off after you gave her a soft no.
      Now, assuming the rest of your evening was pleasant and not weird I’d probably let it go. And maybe check in with her on transportation plans next time to see if she wanted to share a ride before you book it (assuming you are ok with it).

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I agree that it feels odd.

        Has she done things last minute in the past that have interfered with your plans together?

        If this is a one-off then I’d say let it go.

        But it’s in keeping with my personality that I would say, “I was concerned that you did not have a ride and I did not know how to fix it. Do you want us to plan on ride sharing in the future?” But I’d only ask if I was willing to ride share.

        1. New Berlin*

          She’s done this before- she’ll ask the day of the event for me to pick her up, but we live 1.5 hours away from one another and sometimes it’s out of the way. I can see if she was on the way to the event- no problem. It’s often the day of the event, like an hour before the event. So… I guess it just needs to be communicated when we’re planning. (ie: Where we’re meeting, how we’re getting there, etc.)

          1. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

            The living 1.5 hours away from each other changes things quite a bit! That’s a substantial ask in time and gas, and it makes total sense that you wouldn’t want to add 3 hours round-trip to your plans at the last minute.

          2. SoloKid*

            1.5 hours away! That would’ve been useful in the first comment. I agreed with you even before reading that fact and I even more strongly agree now lol.

            I probably would’ve said something like “you live 1.5 hours away from me…you really want to tag along for that before you get dropped off?” (Because I would want to go straight home without detours).

          3. Libra10*

            You left out you live 90 minutes from each other. You both need to organise your own trips, to and from the venue (which U already do). If you’ve been driving her home, you’re going alot out of your way, she’s been taking this for granted. She needed to ask you way in advance, not an hour before the show – doesn’t put someone in a good mood to watch the show.

          4. RagingADHD*

            Yeah, the 90 minutes is extremely relevant here. It’s unlikely that a car service driver would add that much time to a reservation without a huge surcharge.

            I can understand why you wouldn’t agree to give her a ride, and why it’s a bit wierd for her to ask to ride share at that distance.

            But I’m still not sure why it would make you uneasy, or why it would matter that she asked the same day. Giving the ride doesn’t make sense, but what is there to be uneasy about?

            1. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

              I wonder if this friend is prone to starting what I think of as the Exhausting Favor Spiral? I used to have a friend who just…didn’t have his life together in lots of ways, was low on resources to fix emergent problems, and was very willing to make his problems your problems as well. This meant that any time you tried to plan anything involving this friend, there was a non-trivial chance that some parts of the plans would go awry, and now you’d need to do some extra thing to help him out since he didn’t have any margin for dealing with his own setbacks. This created extra anxiety around time and expense for any plan he was included in since it could spontaneously generate errands. (At the time, I was one of the main drivers in the group because I owned one of the more reliable and spacious cars, so a lot of the driving-related favors would fall on my shoulders at group gatherings.)

              In specifically transit-related ways, at different points this led to letting him sleep on my couch because his plans for getting home that night fell through, (the next time) putting him in a cab because I didn’t actually want him sleeping on my couch that night since I had other plans (he then accidentally left his keys at my house and wanted to know if I could drive them over), keeping the heater on maximum for a 4+ hour drive to attend a party in another state that I’d agreed to give him a ride to since he “had a cold and it would help him feel better” (this was definitely pre-covid, but still not cool to spring on someone letting you tag along on a 4 hour drive for free), and I don’t even remember how many rides home/to someone else’s house/to the store/wherever since he had no particular plan for how he was going to leave, and can we stop at [x] since it’s on the way?

              At some point the accumulation of all of this put my shoulders up around my ears every time I might be asked for any kind of favor by or for that particular dude, and I started not inviting him to things at my house and, when possible, taking the bus to things not at my house if he were going to be there. Eventually he was dropped from the friend group for other, unrelated egregious behavior (not worth getting into here, but it was Much Worse), but even before that all of our mutual friends were forbidden from telling him that I’d moved or my new address when I rented a new apartment with a guest bedroom on a major busline, because I just did not want him showing up on my doorstep needing either a ride or a place to crash.

              1. New Berlin*

                My friend has anxiety (taking medication for it) and has other things going on that I didn’t want to make the original post too long. I don’t know if she gets nervous the day of the event and wants to travel with someone- I’m not sure. IANAD, so I won’t speculate.

              2. RagingADHD*

                I think that is a person who should have been told “no,” early and often. I am not sure why anyone would invest that much time and effort. Was he incredibly charming and persuasive?

                1. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

                  He was someone who mostly got by on charm and having exciting ideas. This works really well when you’re, like, 15, since no one expects you to have all of the details worked out yet and are easily impressed by just having the big ideas. I originally met him because I was friends with someone he was friends with in high school.

                  This sort of “all big ideas” charm ages badly. I met him when he was…20? 21? Definitely under 25, because that was an issue when he needed to rent a car once (I met him when I was 18). Early on, he did me a massive favor of letting me crash in his spare room for free for a month when I had no other reasonable housing options, so I cut him much more slack than I did other people for the next several years as a result.

                  At the time, he was in this boom-bust cycle where he’d land a job, get his life on track, and then it would all blow up in his face. After a few repetitions, it became clear to me how little of this was “bad luck” versus “poor decisions”, but it was not immediately obvious that this would be the case, at least not to a teenager with limited previous experience with that type.

                  I cut contact with him in my mid-20s, as his decisions got worse and worse and my basis for comparison grew. So did everyone else I knew. However, he lives on to this day as a cautionary tale in what remains of that friend group, inasmuch if anyone comes up with a wild idea, and someone else points out “that’s like something [name] would do”, it’s an immediate call to re-think the plan in detail, doing careful research and thinking about what could go wrong, before attempting any part of it.

          5. Not So NewReader*

            So she lives an hour and a half away from you and sometimes she waits until 1 hour before the event to tell you there is a problem?
            Uh. The math does not work on that. For you to go get her then go to the event could mean that the event is mostly over by the time you get there.

            When I plan something with someone, my first thought is how will I get there? I am not a fan of driving long distances any more. This means either someone else drives OR I don’t go. It’s pretty straight forward. I would say the same holds for her. If she does not see how she will get there then probably the answer is that she can’t go. I am trying to remind myself that not everyone thinks like I do.

            I am sorry to say that either she figures this out or at some point you will have had enough of this.

            In answer to your original question- since she is known for doing this and since this has happened a few times, I’d look for other friends to do things with. She’s not reliable- she says she will do something and then at the last minute has problems. Not everyone lives this way, seek out people more like yourself who tend to be pretty self-sufficient. It’s not going to be much longer and this will start to appear like manipulation to you. She wants to go to an event and she wants you to get her there. Her preventable crisis is NOT your problem.

            You can feel bad or feel awkward about this, that is okay, it’s just a feeling. In reality, she’ll have to hammer out solutions because what is going on now is not sustainable on your end. She sounds like a lot of work to me.
            I had a family member that would make plans with me. She always ran late. She had to wash her hair. She couldn’t find her glasses. The cat puked. OMG she had a zillion reasons for not running on time, the net effect was she was never on time nor even close. Usually she was about 2 hours late. When confronted, she’d say- well you don’t understand OR but I had [problem] OR it takes me a bit to get ready. OMG. She was late every. single. time. without fail.

            I limited what I did with her. If it happened to fit my time frame, I’d go. Otherwise NO. I also started saying things like “I am leaving at X time, if you are ready, I’d love for us to go together. But if you are not ready I plan on going myself.”

            Going the opposite way I have friend who is 15 minutes early each time. It’s a joy. We can visit for a few minutes then hit the road. When we plan things we both think similarly and we pad our time for unforeseens so that we arrive together and on time. It’s fun to make plans with that friend.

          6. Lexi Vipond*

            Yeah, that’s weird. I live on the western edge of a city and have friends who live in smaller towns to the west who drive within a couple of minutes of my front door to get home (and there’s public transport that doesn’t have to be booked in advance), so asking on that time scale didn’t seem too odd to me – I was imagining two people living quite close together just saving on petrol/finding parking spaces/whatever.

    10. Retired Accountant*

      I’ve been finding that things that would not have been a big deal prior to the pandemic now can make me anxious. Like the stakes have been raised on everything. I hope it goes away.

    11. bratschegirl*

      You live an hour and a half from each other! Way to bury the lede!! And she said she thought you were driving, so it actually entered her mind that it was reasonable to ask you to take her home after the show and then still have a 90-minute drive to get yourself home?! I also would have been reluctant to ask the car service about adding her, this isn’t at all comparable to just going another 20 blocks uptown.

  48. Traveller?*

    Campers! My partner and I are thinking about getting a small trailer and escaping the cold in the winter as well as going on smaller trips in the US Pacific Northwest. We are lesbians, and we are wondering in the current US climate how safe campgrounds really would be for us. Worried not so much about theft but about, I guess, groups of rowdy or hostile men that might congront or target us. Have any of you, especially women, done a lot of camping in the last couple of years? Are we being paranoid?? Will we be able to find relaxed and serene surroundings?

    1. Susie*

      My aunt and her wife took a camper on a road trip west last year. There are Facebook groups for lgbtq people who want advice about camp grounds. I’d start there.
      They were worried about safety as well. My aunt (and mom, their sibs) grew up going to a private campground where people parked their rv s for the summer so she is very familiar with the culture and how it skews more conservative. She said they had no issues on their trip despite taking a route through the south/Texas/southwest.

    2. Missb*

      I think much of the PNW along the I-5 corridor would be fine. When you start to go far afield (i.e. East), you may run into some not-so-safe areas.

      But… there are parts of my state that I won’t currently camp in. I absolutely love Sunset Bay down below Charleston (outside of Coos Bay). It is an absolutely lovely state park with an amazing beach and a botanical garden and lots of trails in between. But I’m also well aware of the current meth issues here and there, so I’m more picky about where dh and I travel to camp.

      Can I also recommend Canada? Particularly Hornby Island, which has a fantastic campground (I think they’re called provincial campgrounds up there)? Really a charming island with an amazing white sand beach.

      1. NotARacoonKeeper*

        I’m having a tough time decoding Missb’s recommendation, but if she’s telling you to avoid Sunset Bay then I 100% agree! We biked from Vancouver (BC) to Tijuana 5 years ago, and Coos Bay was the only place that I worried about people intentionally driving us off the road (in part because people were yelling out their windows that they were going to). That night we heard people trying to steal our bikes, and found out the next morning that tonnes of stuff gets stolen from that camp ground (my partner finally respected my requirement that we lock bikes each night!). Definitely avoid this area.

        But everywhere else along PNW coast, I think you’d be fine! And yes, definitely come to BC, we will only confront you if you’re playing your music too loudly and it will be incredibly polite. (Hornby Island will be a process for you to get to but it’s so worth it!)

    3. just another queer reader*

      I’m in the upper Midwest and my friends are mostly queer women and relatively outdoorsy. I haven’t heard of any issues. A few thoughts –

      – state park rangers are often lesbians, imo
      – dispersed camping in state and national forests means you can be totally alone. It’s also free!
      – I bet there are FB groups you could plug into for local knowledge. My state has a “queer outdoors” group, as well as an all-purpose “queer exchange” group. Both are wealths of information.

      Best of luck to you and have fun!

  49. Sundial*

    Does anyone know a good pesto recipe that holds up if you completely remove the salt? I have a lovely crop of basil coming in, but husband is on a super-low-sodium diet.

    Copying recipes is a pain, so feel free to just say “go to Recipe Site and look for Jane Smith’s version” or similar. TIA!

    1. Fellow Traveller*

      In my experience, the salt in pesto usually comes from the parmesan cheese – I don’t usually add salt to pesto when I make it.
      I’ve made a vegan pesto that uses nutritional yeast and lemon in place of parmesan cheese- that might be a possibility. Maybe google vegan pesto recipes and see what comes up?

      1. Book the Wink*

        +1

        The pesto recipe I use is just whack a big bunch of basil in the food processor with 1-2tbsp of pine nuts, 2-3Tbsp of olive oil, how ever much garlic you feel is appropriate in your heart (3 cloves for me), and 2-3 tbsp of Parmesan cheese. I usually end up drizzling in more oil until it is the right texture. The cheese is the salt. But great idea re: nutritional yeast +lemon as a sub.

        1. Chauncy Gardener*

          This! And then I stash it into ice cube trays. Freeze until frozen. Pop out into a container and use (and gloat) in January. No salt required. Although there is plenty in the parm.

    2. Lilo*

      Maybe a sundried tomato pesto instead of basil? I dry my own tomatoes because the ones you buy are too salty (literally just a couple hours in the oven at 240 (time depends on how small you cut up the tomatoes).

    3. Llellayena*

      I’ve never added salt to my pesto. It’s just basil, olive oil, Parmesan (or peccorino romano) and garlic. The “salty” flavor is from the cheese.

    4. The teapots are on fire*

      The Washington Post has a pesto shrimp with lemon orzo recipe that has no cheese in the pesto. There’s about 1/2 teaspoon of salt in it and you could certainly experiment with leaving it out. Just don’t skimp on the pine nuts.

    5. NotARacoonKeeper*

      I’ve never used a pesto recipe, but my take is that basil can taste really muddled without salt, so there just might not be a way to make saltless pesto taste good. I would experiment by increasing/adding lemon juice to try to open up the flavour?

  50. Elizabeth West*

    Anyone seen Lightyear yet? I watched it last night on Disney Plus. I thought it might be meh, but I really liked it!

    I love the Sox robot cat. It killed me when he would process data and his head spun around and he went “Meowmeowmeowmeowmeow.” :’D I want a toy Sox that will do this SO BAD, lol.

    2. Double A*

      My daughter is on a serious Toy Story kick right now but it’s be 2 on repeat. We watched 3 with her the other night and she was super engaged but it’s very intense! We watched the “making of” Lightyear because it auto played haha. But haven’t watched the movie yet; I’d like to though!

      1. CTT*

        My college did second run movies every Friday, and when I was a senior they showed Toy Story 3 to welcome the freshmen on move-in day, and these poor just-left-home teenagers were losing it at the end. I felt so bad!

        1. AGD*

          I’ve seen all the other ones multiple times each, but I only watched 3 once. To use a phrase my undergrad students use, that one goes hard!

    3. VLookupsAreMyLife*

      My kids loved Toy Story & Toy Story 2 as children. At their request, we went as a family to see Lightyear for my child’s 18th birthday & none of us had a dry eye. I had set the bar pretty low after Pixar’s disappointing sequel to Incredibles in 2018. I was pleasantly surprised by how much we all enjoyed it. Sox was hilarious and it was more profound than I expected.

    4. Nicole76*

      I wasn’t expecting much but also really enjoyed it. Sox is definitely the best character in that film!

    5. Mari*

      there is a Sox toy on Amazon that you can preorder – just search for “Disney Pixar Lightyear Sox Interactive Talking Sound & Motion Cat, Movie Accurate Robot Companion Character” and it should pop up. I can’t tell if it does all the same things as in the movie.

  51. WellRed*

    My mom has Medicare advantage, her PCP wants her to see a neurologist about her sudden memory loss but mom says they didn’t give her a referral. That seems odd and they didn’t even recommend anyone. How does one even selecta neuro? Caveat. My mom could be explaining this all wrong but while I’m visiting her I’d like to get this in hand.

    1. PollyQ*

      I swear I’m not trying to be snarky here, but if your mom is suffering from memory loss, then she’s not necessarily going to be the most accurate reporter of what happened with her PCP. HIPAA may make it tricky to ask the doctor what actually went down, but perhaps she can make the phone call, ask the question and also tell them that they can talk to you, and then you can participate in the convo.

    2. Lifelong student*

      My medicare advantage program does not require a referral to see a specialist- but it is normal to at least get some names from a PCP.

    3. Falling Diphthong*

      When I talked with my primary about seeing a neurologist, he literally handed me a printout list with dozens in my area, and he put a check by the ones he particularly knew and liked. I think PollyQ is onto something with your mom may not have understood the directive.

      Script, for her on phone: “Hi, Dr Ward had suggested I see a neurologist. Can you recommend a couple, and give me a referral?”

      The loss of a person in the Dr’s exam room with you for support and listening and asking questions is a real loss with the pandemic–I still can’t bring someone to a standard medical appointment, though one family member was allowed in pre-surgery for each of those. Dr’s offices haven’t fully adapted to “Right, we need to write all this down and give it to them, because the child/spouse/parent/friend is no longer there to help absorb information and make sure there’s a follow-up.”

    4. Sundial*

      Having dealt with a parent’s Medicare coverage: did you check which doctors your mom is actually eligible for? My experience included not living in a major city, seeking a specialist, and also needing that specialist to accept specific coverage…the overlap of all those requirements amounted to one or two people. The decision may already have been made for you.

    5. Lifelong student*

      My medicare advantage plan does not require a referral from the PCP to see a specialist- but it is unusual not to get names from the PCP.

    6. Doctor is In*

      Definitely call the PCP. Even if they don’t have permission to talk to you, they can listen when you tell them she doesn’t seem to know what needs to happen for the neuro consult to occur. Sudden memory loss is worrisome.

    7. KatEnigma*

      Ask your mom to sign the HIPAA forms so her doctors can talk to you. Talk to her seriously about a Medical Power of Attorney.

      In the meantime, ask her to call her PCP and ask for a referral. Doctors are human and they and their office managers do sometimes just forget. My husband had to remind his neurologist that he needed an Opthalmologist referral just last week. It happens, no big deal.

      1. Chronic issues*

        Yes, this! Do it before she’s declined too much to be able to sign the forms. It will save you so much trouble later.

    8. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      In case you have trouble getting a referral, my friend suggested Castle Connolly (a doctor-rating site that you can Google) to figure out who some of the more well-respected doctors are in one’s area. There are other doctor-rating sites as well that depend on patients’ experiences/feedback.

    9. Snoozing not schmoozing*

      I have Medicare Advantage. Sometimes my PCP will select a specialist for me and her office will make the appointment. Other times I find a specialist in my provider directory and then call my PCP’s referral desk. Both ways are perfectly normal.

    10. ShinyPenny*

      Just FYI– When I can’t attend my loved one’s medical appointments in person, she puts me on speakerphone so I can listen in, ask questions, and take notes. Her MD’s have been 100% great about this since Covid. The medical assistants are usually happy to help her figure out a good spot to place the phone in the exam room so I can hear well (having her hold it the whole time never works because random buttons get hit).
      This is so helpful because it means I can have a different person drive her, but I’m still fully informed and the appointments are maximally helpful for her.
      (One of the main reasons I finally got a smartphone was how much it helps with supporting her. It only works because I got us both identical phones, though–so I can coach her as needed.)

      Also– it’s pretty critical to be an authorized person in her health insurance, where she tells them it’s ok for you to communicate with them on her behalf. For MD’s, HMO, and Medicare. It’s easiest to accomplish if you are both on the phone together (there might be a form she has to sign and return, and if you are visiting this would be much easier to accomplish).

      Sorry if this is more “big picture” than what you asked, but your question is a small facet of an issue that can really expand quickly. The future is easier if you get ahead of this curve early on :)

      1. Westsidestory*

        Seconding this. Also, it may be time to have someone be her health care Proxy. My BIL has a serious illness, his brother is the Proxy. When Brother is not available to go to doctor visits, other family members go and relay the doctor’s conversation by text, in real time. Questions get answered, doctors instructions also go to the text record. You may be able to get a team together so she can be accompanied to appointments, with all info (lists of medications, test results) forwarded to the Proxy.

        Regarding the neurologist, asking the PCP or their main office person may help you get a referral. Her Medicare Advantage plan will also have a directory of preferred specialists, usually online.

        You may want to start thinking of how to get a team together for care. We all tag team my BIL (I keep track of appts, a cousin arranges for transport, a sister manages the laundry and cleaning, close friends pick up the Rx, another cousin is the emergency cat sitter, etc). We are all not in the same city.

        I hope this helps.

  52. NoLongerFencer*

    A friend of 20+ years invited me to her engagement party via text (flyer) inviting both me and my partner (getting my partner’s name wrong despite knowing him a decade) a week past the flyer’s RSVP date. She spoils our kid with gifts and we gave her a nice gift for her birthday. We found out she’d gotten engaged mere months ago (she knew the guy two months), and none of us met the guy previously (everyone meets each other’s partners to be friends and look out for each other). She wasn’t Facebook friends with him until they got engaged and she didn’t know what college he went to, or high school, or thst there are pictures on his Facebook 2 yesrs ago of an ex?spouse he never took down. Is this the end of our friendship? Anyone with similar weird stories? The text definitely came from her but seemed so out of character to the point I’m genuinely concerned for her future well-being with this guy.

    1. RagingADHD*

      I don’t know why it would be the end of your friendship. She has gone goofy in the throes of a whirlwind romance. That’s not unusual.

      How often do you talk to her? Have you asked her how she’s doing and if everything is okay?

      She may be lust-addled, she may be in a toxic mess of a relationship, she may be having a midlife or pandemic-induced crisis. Or she may just be smitten and temporarily flighty over a guy who turns out to be fine in the long run. It’s impossible to know just from this small sampling.

      Just stay in touch and listen without being judgmental or taking things personally. Things will become clearer with time, and if you see more signs of concern then you can talk to her about it with credibility because you’ve been there for her.

    2. CTT*

      Are you concerned about her safety, like you think this guy may be controlling? Or just that she’s making a bad decision? The unusual behavior could be cause for concern, but I don’t think not friending him on Facebook is a huge red flag (or the pictures of the ex thing – not everyone wants to spend the time it takes to digitally remove all traces of an ex)

    3. Maggie*

      Yeah I don’t know why it would end your friendship unless her getting engaged fast is some kind of dealbreaker you have with your friends. I don’t see why he would have to remove all pictures of his ex from Facebook. It would be shadier to me if he pretended she never existed.

    4. WellRed*

      I’m confused by the timeline. Have you met the guy yet? How long has she been engaged? Is there even a wedding date yet (this whole thing could fizzle out fast). How do you know she didn’t friend him on FB until they got engaged ( cause that is weird in this day and age not to at least look someone up) but it’s interesting you know all this now. Have you since had a convo? How does she seem? Happy? Insecure? As an aside, why should someone take down old pictures on FB? I agree with Raging that this is a case of lust addled.

      1. NoLongerFencer*

        Nobody’s met the guy. I saw her 2 weeks ago. Said she’d been dating a new guy for a couple months. Didnt know the schools he went to. Wasnt friends with him on FB. The next day after that she got engaged. Still not friends with him on FB til after that. She seems happy but happier about getting a ring if that makes sense? We’re in our late 30s.

    5. HannahS*

      I got engaged after 3 months to a guy none of my friends and family had met because I’m an adult and I’m allowed to make decisions without their input.

      If what your friend is doing is out-of-character, why don’t you call her and see how she’s doing? There are endless explanations, some of which could be concerning and some of which could be totally fine. I’m not sure why it would end your friendship.

  53. Time's Thief*

    Yoga, cats, and ADHD question and I figure if anywhere on the internet has answers for that venn diagram, it would be here.

    Does there exist a yoga mat that can’t be torn apart by small, sharp teeth?

    I’ve found yoga helps with my ADHD and try to do it every day. Ideally the mat would either be already out or rolled up right next to my yoga spot so I can pull it out with minimal barriers. I’ve found even a mat bag makes one barrier too many for my ADHD and I WILL skip. So accessibility is key.

    The problem is my cats. They’re adorable but one in particular is a very mouthy little thing and her favorite activity in the world is to rip apart my yoga mat whenever it’s out. I’ve tried spraying it with lemongrass anti-scratch spray (she hates it but still goes after the mat), redirecting her (really fun while in a downward facing dog position), and shutting her out completely (the cries! the anguish!). Plus, putting her out doesn’t help the rest of the time when she uses the rolled up mat as a scratching post. Mostly I just buy cheap mats and replace them frequently but the quality isn’t great and I’m tired of vacuuming up the debris.

    So, has anyone found a mat or carpet that’s resistant to little teeth and claws?

    1. anonagain*

      You could use a rug. That’s what my first yoga class had for us to use. Or just practice right on the floor.

    2. fposte*

      I don’t know if this will be useful, but I pop my rolled-up yoga mat vertically into an umbrella stand to mitigate the footprint and keep it contained. I hear you on bags and I find this cognitively easier for some reason. My current one is mesh, which probably isn’t great for your purposes, but you could probably find a solid-walled one that would be cat-deterring.

    3. Not A Manager*

      How tall and thick is the bundle once the mat is rolled up? I am sympathetic to barriers to putting things away/taking them back out. I wonder if you can get an upright canister or woven basket with a top that you can pop the rolled mat into right in your yoga spot. Depending on the size, something like an umbrella stand might work, or a tall narrow utility bin. Ideally it would be both pretty and not much larger than the rolled mat.

    4. Sundial*

      I ended up changing rooms specifically because one of my cats was biting my workout mat (not chewing; he just liked the initial POP of sinking his fangs into the vinyl). It’s not for yoga, it’s a trifold cushioned mat to do floor bodyweight exercises. So now I do my exercising in a room that I can close the door behind me when I’m finished, and he isn’t allowed in there anymore. It’s worked out great because now I leave everything strewn around the room: mat, free weights, balance ball, etc.

      However: I realize that isn’t what you asked. So, have you considered buying a sacrificial mat and just giving it to her? By making it forbidden, you’re just heightening the excitement.

    5. Redhaired runner*

      Do you have reasonably comfortable floors? I have a microfiber yoga mat towel that doesn’t really provide cushion but provides decent grip.

    6. Ellis Bell*

      Also ADHD here and am laughing that the yoga mat in a bag is making it inaccessible to you because that is SO me. Yoga doesn’t need a mat, you just need a comfortable and stable surface so I would probably go with a big rug in your yoga area, and then you don’t even need to unroll it!

    7. WellRed*

      I’m chuckling at the comments saying just do it on your floor. Floors cease to be comfortable for so many once you hit a certain age.

    8. Epiphyta*

      I have one of the Jade Yoga “Fusion” mats – they’re extra thick and not lightweight, but might be an option?

    9. Time's Thief*

      Oh my goodness, thank you; so many great answers and no judgment on my bag issues! I’ve asked before (not here, obviously) and neurotypical brains just don’t get how much a barrier a stupid bag can be.

      Unfortunately our current floor is thin laminate on top of concrete which is not on good terms with my “of a certain age” joints. It’s actually been a problem with the cheap yoga mats – not a lot of cushion at that price range.

      I like the idea of a rug but I think what I’ll try first is a hamper with a lid. I don’t know why I didn’t think of that before but it’s perfect and somehow nothing at all like the bag.

      Thank you and I’m really touched at all the ideas and advice!

      1. anonagain*

        And if that’s too much of a barrier, maybe try removing the lid. Or put an inverted bin (maybe clear?) on top of the rolled mat. (I have to keep all my stuff where I can see it or I forget it exists.)

    11. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain*

      Can you put something over the yoga mat that’s easily removed, like a rug or piece of cardboard, or will that be a barrier? It needs to be heavy enough kitty can’t move or get under it, but simple to move for you.

      1. Voluptuousfire*

        I did this very thing. My cat decided the yoga mat I keep on the couch was her new scratching post and would keep at it even though I yelled at her. I put a blanket over it and it stopped her.

    12. Mac (I Wish All The Floors Were Lava)*

      If your cats aren’t jumpers, can you just hang it up off the floor on one of those cheap over-the-door towel hooks? Or clear an upper shelf on a bookcase and stick it there? I totally get what you mean about not using it if it’s even a tiny bit hidden. I tidied my foam back roller out of sight this past February and literally forgot about it until I saw one in a store the other day and was like, “Aw man, I should get one of those, my back has been killing me– WAIT! OMG! OMG OMG OMG!”

  54. Kage*

    Advice regarding how to best deal with home insurance claim and a renovation? Any tips/tricks/major items to watch? Any strong recommendations of order of operations (meaning get new work estimate first then file claim to get insurance portion then look for financing)?

    For awhile we have been planning an addition project for our house that was going to include replacing 100-yr-old windows (in horrible shape, several people have confirmed not worth saving) and our siding to something maintenance-free. Plan had been to do this project in 2024 after clearing some other debt.

    Well the universe has other plans. Several big storms came thru this spring and we have significant hail damage which is going to necessitate a replacement of our roof, siding and trim/flashing on both our home and 2 outbuildings. We’ll definitely be filing an insurance claim and know that general coverage/hail-deductible.

    This is our first claim and we have no idea how insurance will handle this scenario where we don’t just want a 1-1 replacement. For example, we don’t really want/need to fix one of the out buildings as we plan to demolish it in a few years. Will they give us a check for that damage but then not cover that structure if it’s not repaired? Will they pay to remove it now (assuming that demo is less than the cost of repairs)? Will the main house typically be just a check for a certain amount related to the old siding (so we pay the difference to the higher-quality material) and so then they’ll just want proof of the work being done to continue covering the home?

    Thanks in advance!

    1. Imtheone*

      I’ve just experienced one of these —a roof that needed to be replaced due to hail damage. I reported it to the insurance and interviewed several roofers. The roofer I chose met the insurance adjuster at the house. That firm accepted the insurance quote for the work. The work was done, inspected by the insurance company, and the check endorsed to them. If we wanted a higher cost roof, that would have been on us. Our payment to the roofing company was equivalent to the insurance deductible.

      1. Imtheone*

        I forgot another time. We had water damage inside. The insurance inspected and issued a check for about half of the cost of the remediation and repairs. They would send the rest after the repairs were made. In the event, we didn’t refinish the wood floors because of the upheaval to us and because the floors actually looked very good.

    2. Ins mom*

      Do not wait to file the insurance claim. Do it first; they will inspect and probably coordinate with contractors for estimates. It is good that you have an idea what other work you want done, but do not delay making a claim notice

    3. Generic Name*

      Your insurance company is concerned about the integrity of your home, and will require you to have the roof replaced at the very least in order to continue to insure you, and if you have a mortgage, the mortgage company will require you to carry insurance. But your insurance likely doesn’t care about the outbuildings being replaced/fixed as long as they do not create a hazard of left in place. I’d file a claim immediately and ask your agent these questions.

    4. RC+Rascal*

      I am going through this right now. Needing to tear out plaster in two bedrooms because of a roof leak in the building (condominium).

      I got the repair bid from the contractor first and then when it was 5 figures called my insurance agent on the off chance it was covered. Turns out it was covered. (Her exact words: When you are that damaged you have to try to file a claim.) The contractor wants to tear out both bedrooms and replace with drywall, insurance companies position is they only replace like with like (plaster with plaster) and only the outside walls.

      All in the settlement was about 70% of the actual cost to repair. That doesn’t include the actual moving/packing costs and alternate housing. They don’t pay you exact replacement cost. For example, my allowance is $288 to repaint both rooms. I can only do that work for that money if I do it myself. Contractor bid for the same is $1500.

    5. Anono-me*

      I try to use one company for everything. That way I don’t have to coordinate company A’s schedule with company B’s. I also have one company to deal with if I have any problems and one company responsible fixing for that problem.

      If you have gutters, you may want to look into upgrading to extra wide/industrial gutters. We upgraded and now clean the gutters twice a year instead of once a month.

  55. Lifelong student*

    When I had weather damage to my home, payment was not made until the repairs were completed. I made the claim- then contacted contractors and got estimates. Final payment was made when the contractors submitted final invoices to the insurance company. Preliminary payments were made as work was done on various segments- roof, garage, interior damage.

    In my case, the roof was not damaged enough to require full replacement. However, since they were not able to match the shingles, my policy paid for the whole roof- which was a nice surprise. They did not pay for an upgrade we chose. Not sure of the effect of replacing parts of siding and flashing. We had a great insurance adjuster who gave good advice on contractors and coverage.
    It is my understanding that weather damage does not affect your rates in the future.

  56. beentheredonethat*

    Cleaning hacks. I am a not so great cleaner. My oven seriously needed cleaned. I went to the website for the oven and they suggested a 2-1 baking soda/water paste. It actually did pretty good. Still needs more cleaning. Should I repeat it or does anyone any better ideas?

    1. Still*

      If you don’t mind the ingredients, actual oven cleaner spray, like Me Muscle, is really effective. I leave it on for a while and then just wipe it off. For especially stubborn bits, I’ll use a metal wire sponge.

    2. Lilo*

      I’ve had good results with the Pink Stuff. Oven cleaning often requires a lot of elbow grease. Designated oven cleaners are often extremely fume-y.

    3. Not A Manager*

      Make that paste, but also add a good dollop of Dawn blue dish soap. If you’re looking at those proportions, I’d do 2-1-1. Wipe it on the mess, then heat your oven to hot but not intense – like 350° F. or thereabouts.

      Let the oven fully cool, then gently scrub off the paste. Try the sponges that have the blue scrubby side (light abrasion) before you try the ones with the green scrubby side (more abrasion). When you’re all done, wipe down the oven with dry cloths to remove as much residual soap as possible, then wipe with damp cloths. It should not take long to be assured that you’ve removed all the soap.

      1. Not A Manager*

        Thinking about it, I would not do 2-1-1. That’s too much dish soap. I probably use 8 times more baking soda than soap.

    5. Katiekins*

      My tiny triumph this weekend was cleaning the inside of my oven door (the glass) by wetting it down and scraping the baked-on grease off with a credit card. It was cleaner and easier than using a magic eraser or a baking soda paste. I’m very proud of myself for coming up with this idea! : )

      2. Just a name*

        I have a scraper that I bought for the top of my glass cooktop, but it never occurred to me to use it on the door. Thanks!

    6. Reba*

      I like to do an ammonia sauna overnight. Only advisable if you have windows near your kitchen you can open! It will soften up everything that’s left stuck on there, then you can scrape and scrub it off the next day.

    7. Snoozing not schmoozing*

      I soak my oven! Put water and liquid dish soap in a container, then get paper towels thoroughly wet and wring them out just enough that they don’t drip. Line the oven with them, including the inside of the door. Soak 8-12 hours. When you wake up, or get home, remove the damp towels and use new, unsoapy damp ones to wipe it out. It’s the most cleaning for the least work I’ve managed!

    8. Weegie*

      Try mixing some biological laundry powder into a paste, slathering it on and leaving it for a while. I did that with a hob that had two years’ worth of baked-on grease (thank you, previous tenants). It still needed some elbow grease and I didn’t get it 100% gunge-free, but it made a huge difference and worked much better than baking soda or vinegar.

      1. beentheredonethat*

        Thanks for all the hints. It’s better than it was but, I will try some of your hints and see where we get.

  57. MushroomVolley*

    Second attempt at posting this as it’s own thread-
    Does anyone use multiple personal emails to stay organized? I have 20K+ emails in my personal Gmail. I’ve been using that email for about 15 years so it’s linked to everything. I unsubscribe everyday and clear out obvious spam. I’m thinking of starting too use another email address but I’m not sure what the split should be. One for all shopping? Maybe one for all banking? What’s worked for you?

    1. Please Exit Through the Rear Door*

      I use a Gmail for personal correspondence only and a Yahoo for literally everything else, and have had no problems with spam in the Gmail. The Yahoo, though… wow, is Yahoo bad for spam. I also used a separate email for my job search, which was very helpful.

    2. APsychNurse*

      I have a throwaway email address which is for online shopping and mailing lists etc. It really helps because I basically never check it. My Gmail address is what I give to individuals (not corporations or political campaigns!) who need to write me.

    3. Turtle Dove*

      I also have two email accounts: one for personal ties (mostly friends and family) and another for business (shopping, banking, doctors, subscriptions, etc.). I check both accounts every day. I did a deep clean of the business account about a year ago after it grew huge and slow. Now I maintain it by promptly unsubscribing (but only legit emails, not spam) and deleting like a fiend.

      If I were you, I’d probably set up a new account and tell friends and family to start using that one. Your current account can then become your business account.

    4. Texan In Exile*

      I have two hotmail addresses, one for friends and family and organizations that I know won’t sell or otherwise abuse my address (a board I sit on, my investment advisor, my bank) and the other for anything else I do online – buying stuff, subscribing to newsletters, commenting on blogs.

      Ironically (I think ironic is the right term?) it’s the personal email that’s getting all the spam these days.

    5. summer camp spouse*

      I use one email, but I’ve set up a number of filters to keep much of the junk out of my inbox. I probably need to set up some more filters, as it’s getting busy again…

      As for your 20k backlog, I’d recommend doing a “select all” (must do this on desktop, it’s not an option on mobile) then archive them all. They’ll be there if you need them, but won’t be clogging up your inbox.

    6. Sundial*

      I have about 12-15 email addresses for various purposes. I keep everything siloed in case they get hacked, so no one account can ruin my financial life/identity. I only access them via desktop using a password manager, so it’s more seamless than it sounds

      My main one is my exact name at gmail, which I was able to get when it was still by invite, so I don’t throw it around commercially to avoid spam. That’s for correspondence with friends and family.

      Retail accounts have a separate e-mail, bidding accounts have a separate e-mail (like eBay/Poshmark). LinkedIn, GitHub, Slack, et cetera, all have their own e-mail accounts that are used for nothing else. Credit cards and bank accounts have their own accounts. Health insurance and HSA has its own account.

      Everything financial is done over Protonmail, though unfortunately recent news coverage proves their privacy isn’t what they claimed it was.

      It probably sounds excessive, but I’m both a tech junkie and a victim of messy identity theft (including two years of fraudulent tax returns filed under my SSN), so I’m okay with going overboard for peace of mind.

    7. WoodswomanWrites*

      For many years I’ve had my personal email and a second one for shopping, bills, email lists I subscribe to, my Meetup group, etc. If it’s not something involving a personal connection, it goes to the alternate email. I use folders to sort things so I can reference them later without them all being in my inbox. For example, I have a folder labeled Reservations and Tickets so I can find any of those easily.

    8. Imtheone*

      I use one for shopping and coupons, one for family and friends. They are both yahoo, and the spam is getting to be too much. I’m moving the family and friends one to another service, then maybe the shopping one to a different service.

    9. mreasy*

      I have my full name at gmail, yahoo, & hotmail. The latter I use for shopping so all the promo goes into that inbox (which I forward to my gmail into a specific folder). The yahoo I used to use for mailing lists but it’s mostly defunct now.

    10. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      I used to run my own domain, and I’d set up a new email alias for every single thing I’d sign up for, that were then routed to several different actual email accounts depending on how urgent I felt messages related to that thing were. (The email addresses would generally be of the form firstinitial-siteI’mon-lastinitial at mydomain .) This came in handy every time a site I’d signed up for something on got hacked, since I could just burn that email address without losing any other email. I also could see who was selling their email lists and with who. It was also nice since it meant I could ignore almost all phishing attempts without needing to open the message, since they’d be sent to a different address than the one that my bank (or whoever) actually had on file and thus were clearly not legitimate.

      I wish I had the energy to deal with all of that still, but I am Tired of the Internet and stopped putting in that much effort a few years back.

      1. David*

        This is what I do as well. I’d definitely recommend it to anyone who particularly cares about privacy and security and is willing to put in the work – and I believe these days there are email forwarding services you can use that make it not an egregious amount of work (i.e. no need to learn how to run an email server).

        Of course you can get some of the same benefits using “plus addressing” that Gmail and a lot of other major email providers support: if your email address is username@gmail.com, then emails sent to username+anythingyouwant@gmail.com will also go to you. (username+mybank@gmail.com, username+myotherbank@gmail.com, username+myfavoritestore@gmail.com, username+randomapp@gmail.com, username+aam@gmail.com, etc.)

    11. curly sue*

      I have many – I have a few of my own domains set up for various projects (pen names for writing, mostly). I have:

      – A couple of email addresses set up for writing world communications (one for submissions and formal things, a second one for crap like bookbub and twitter)

      – One for the day job

      – A fandom gmail (tumblr, AO3, anything for communication with fandom friends who only know my screen name, etc)

      – A personal / family / real name and freelance work-related gmail

      – A spam-catcher for signing up to websites and for online shopping

      – An email for my plex server and streaming services that is very short and with the letters close together because I hate logging in with the tv remote…

      Basically everything is compartmentalized, but I run everything except gmail through Thunderbird, so that it’s still all in one email program. I just have to be careful to check which account I’m replying from.

  58. Sunflower*

    Does anyone feel like iPhones have reduced the maximum volume on phones? I’ve been getting the ‘based on headphone usage, you’ve exceeded the recommended audio exposure limit’ the past few months. I usually only get that after I’ve been on a plane and I realized I’ve been listening to music on a max level but it still doesn’t feel that loud- I can still hear background noise, etc. I don’t feel like my hearing is getting worse- I can still hear normal conversation and other audio at the same level just fine.

    Is there anyway to check this out or anyone else noticed this? Or maybe it really is something with my hearing…

    1. Turtle Dove*

      Hmmm, not sure. I don’t have an iPhone or wear earbuds much. But I think I damaged my hearing by wearing headphones and playing music loudly to try to drown out distractions at that place we don’t discuss on weekends. Since then I’ve developed tinnitus and regret. So I’d be careful about max volume and consider a hearing test. I had one about five years ago, and yeah, I have some hearing loss. Not a surprise, given my age and choices, but I sure wish I’d been more careful.

    2. Kara Danvers*

      Hearing degrades in subtle ways before it becomes more obvious. I’m not sure if Apple has made any changes (I haven’t noticed any), but if you’re concerned, you can probably ask your doctor about a hearing test.

    3. WellRed*

      I get this message more than I used to. Maybe they’ve just tightened their standards? Like, what used to acceptable has been revised based on the latest research blah blah…

    4. kiki*

      Are your headphones noise-cancelling? Maybe iphone has adjusted their volume thresholds to account for the ubiquity of noise-cancelling headphones and earbuds, assuming that people in noisy areas will turn on noise-cancelling instead of just increasing the volume?

      But I always recommend getting your hearing checked at the first sign you notice a change. It’s generally a really quick and easy check

  59. Please Exit Through the Rear Door*

    The most random question that will be asked all day: Has anyone here ever attended a school where the bell that marked the end of class actually sounded like a bell? It always sounds like a bell on TV shows, but in every school I’ve ever attended, the “bell” was just an electronic tone. I feel like I’ve been cheated somehow!

    1. fueled by coffee*

      My elementary school (in the aughts) had them! By middle and high school we had a tone over the intercom.

    3. RagingADHD*

      I graduated HS in the late 80s and they were always physical bells on an electronic relay throughout my school years. You could see them on the wall in the hallway. My kids’ schools from elementary to HS use the sound of a bell, but I think it’s recorded and played over the PA system.

      For a while, the middle school used a 3-note chime sound, but that got changed shortly after one of the band kids figured out how to play it on the marimba and confused everyone as a running joke. They went back to the old metallic brrrrrrrrrring.

    4. Bee Bell*

      I’m 50 and all my childhood schools and classes had the mechanical ‘bell’ sound. I’ve only randomly heard the electronic tone sound a few times as an adult and it’s always a bit disconcerting. like I tend to think emergency alarm (fire or earthquake?) instead of class bell.

      1. Charlotte Lucas*

        Same! And where I went for grad school had bells in some buildings. (Great to help profs wrap up in time so students could get to their next class.)

    6. Lead Balloon*

      At my primary school in the UK in the 90s the bell for the end of break was an actual handbell. I don’t think this was unusually quaint either. I seem to remember that they’d give the task of ringing it to a kid in the top class.

      The secondary school bells were electric bells, so it was still a real bell in the sense that it was metal striking metal. I think my primary school had the same electric bell system but that was for fire alarms (so the first weeks at secondary school meant training yourself not to think the bells were fire alarms!).

      1. Taffy*

        We had a handbell at my primary school too! (Also UK.) We used to all want to be allowed to ring it

      2. londonedit*

        Yep at my primary school (UK, late 80s/early 90s) the bell was a literal handbell. Being allowed to ring the bell for break/lunchtime/the end of the school day was a big deal!

        At secondary school it was an actual bell but the sort of fire alarm bell system that’s mounted on the wall and makes a racket when it rings.

    7. NeonFireworks*

      My elementary school in the ’90s had an actual bell, but I went back to visit two years ago and now they have an electronic tone.

    10. Please Exit Through the Rear Door*

      Wow! I told my wife a real bell in schools was just a TV trope, and this thread has proven me wrong. Now I really feel cheated, especially because I attended school in the 1980s and 90s and really should have had a real school bell at some point!

    11. Atheist Nun*

      My high school in southern California, which I attended from 1985 to 1989, had an electronic sound to signal the end of class/lunch time. I remember listening to “Walk Like an Egyptian” and thinking that someone in the Bangles went to a school like mine because of the phrase “when the buzzer rings.”

    12. lissajous*

      I had a siren in my first school, nothing in my second school (really, no noise at all – that was still primary but I think the high school was the same), and for high school the electrically activated bells already mentioned here.

      I remember visiting Japan on a school trip, and the schools we went to all had the electric tone over the PA system, but it was always Westminster Chimes that was played.

    13. The Person from the Resume*

      I don’t recall high school, but my elementary school had multiple bells mounted on the outside of the buildings under a single control and a ringer would bang on it rapidly when the bells sounded. Definitely sounded like a bell.

  60. Filosofickle*

    Gophers! I recently bought a home, and this area is notorious for gophers. In my front lawn, I see new, small piles of dirt often. I assume it’s them. But I don’t see any holes! I don’t know where they are going in or out, or where the tunnels are. And I’m a little nervous investigating — don’t want to make things worse or accidentally find a hole and twist my ankle. Any tips?

    3. Girasol*

      We used to live in farm country and caught dozens of gophers in the yard each summer. If your area is notorious for gophers, the neighbors could probably tell you if that’s what’s making your mounds. Gophers make a sturdy main tunnel as big around as your fist, generally a foot or more underground. Our yard had lots of them but we never stumbled into one. The gophers make small side passages perpendicular to those tunnels to push dirt out to the surface but you can see the ends of those because that’s where the mound is. If you decide to trap, Victor Death Klutch traps catch the most. There are lots of good youtubes to explain the process of finding your way from mound to tunnel and setting the traps.

  61. Autumn*

    I had to get two root canals last year for the first time, and after going to a dentist who had a very “suck it up and deal” vibe I found one who asked me, a 53 yr old, if I had a pillow or something I wanted to hold during the procedure. I do in fact always have a cylindrical pillow in the car to support my messed-up left arm, and I also have mild sensory issues so I find rolling the beads in the fabric very soothing, but it would not have occurred to me to bring it in to the appointment! It was still a root canal, but what a difference it makes to feel seen as a human.

    2. Kittee*

      Oh, how lovely! I’m so glad you found that person. For years I had a real terror of dental work (for Reasons), so when I could not avoid it any longer, I would carry a tiny 2″ stuffed elephant in my pocket to clutch. When the dentist discovered this, not only did he love it but he wanted one for himself! Eventually I didn’t need it any more because he was so gentle and caring.

    3. Pennyworth*

      Good dentists are aware that visiting them is difficult for many people, some are even trained in hypnosis to help anxious patients. Having a pillow to hold is a great idea. I’m fine with dentists but I never know what to do with my hands during a long procedure.

    4. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      So glad you found a kind dentist at last! That’s great that you kept searching until you found someone who treated you well.

    5. Autumn*

      Oops, this was supposed to go under Volunteer Burnout’s vindicated thread! Also, this community is so kind.

  62. beentheredonethat*

    I am fascinated by food. I will try any recipe and probably follow the general outlines. Gravy is the fastest way to recognize culture cooking IMO.
    Wikipedia definition Mexican American – cuisine of Mexican Americans and their descendants, who have modified Mexican cuisine under the influence of American culture and immigration patterns of Mexicans to the United States.
    Thus far I have have eaten outside of the US. Indonesian Italian, Indonesian American, Indonesian French, Fiji Indian, Peruvian Chinese, Senegalese French, English Italian (Idk what to call pizza in Scotland). None of those were the same as American Italian, American Indonesian, American French, American Indian, American Chinese.
    And Italian in California, Chicago, New York are not the same.
    I would love to study this more formally any research suggestions?

    1. RagingADHD*

      I think the concepts you’re looking for would be around “foodways:” cultural foodways, immigrant foodways, expat foodways. And “cross-cultural food practices.”

    3. Lead Balloon*

      Some of those would be considered fusion food. If you ate haggis pizza when you were in Scotland that would be fusion. If you ate deep fried pizza… well I guess you might consider that fusion too if you subscribe to the idea that Scottish people have a thing about deep frying everything (an undeserved reputation I think but deep fried pizza isn’t unusual).

      Pizza is an interesting one because it’s so widely consumed it’s lost a lot of its foreign-ness. The UK doesn’t have regional styles like the US does but you might find local cheeses or meats available sometimes. I suppose the Scottish deep fried pizza is a local style.

      I don’t know where you draw the line between full adoption (e.g. macaroni cheese, is that even considered Italian?), Fusion, food adapted for local tastes and foods that have been fully adopted.

      1. Charlotte Lucas*

        I love discussions of food history. Of course, the more you know about it, the more you think of “fusion cuisine” as just… food. :)

        1. beentheredonethat*

          I do to. I do think of fusion cuisine is usually just fun. I had a carne asada burrito with kimchi last night. It worked so well. :)

    4. Ins mom*

      What a fun discussion even though I am not a traveler or adventurous eater. My daughter does much better though. My six year old granddaughter says sushi is her favorite food

      1. beentheredonethat*

        The children that cook with me, especially if machines are involved, are more likely to be adventurous. I was not adventurous as a child. You never know what will happen.

  63. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain*

    Social Zoom meet ups. Is it okay for regular invited participants (but not the host) to just forward on the details to others to expand the group, or am I a big grump?

    During the pandemic, especially throughout 2020, there was a group of us who met regularly once a week on Zoom. While this group is work-associated people, including some who retired or left, this is a social meet up so I hope this is okay for the weekend discussion. As time went on, and we weren’t confined to home anymore the group dwindled and became more sporadic. We’re now settled into a regular small group once a month. I’m the one who set up as host but I wouldn’t say it’s MY event. Three of us are happy it’s now a much smaller group since two of the previous members never adapted to virtual etiquette — never muted, talked/yelled at family members off camera, interrupted routinely to suddenly show off their pet/family/phone/food/shoes/etc, ate on camera …. nice people but seriously oblivious to how virtual just isn’t the same as in-person rules. Even though in-person is possible again, virtual suits us…we’re spread out over 50ish miles and have all various lifestyles married/single, kids/no kids, retired/working, etc. One member now just keeps inviting new and previous folks…”Fergus heard we meet up and wanted to join so I sent them the link” “jane didn’t know we were still meeting so I sent her the link” I’m annoyed… even though 99% I like these people and would go to an in-person event. It’s just virtual doesn’t lend itself to big groups…it’s not possible to have multiple or side conversations, or wander away from the oversharer.

    AITAH? Any recommendations or similar stories?

    1. Dark Macadamia*

      NTA. This would drive me crazy too. I’d either say something next time it’s just the main group – like “hey it’s great chatting with others too but I really like how we can have more focused conversations when it’s just us, do you all mind if we stick with the small group for this regular call? I’d be happy to show up occasionally for bigger groups at other times!” or just schedule a new call with only the people you really enjoy and agree not to invite others lol

      1. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain*

        Thanks. Creating a new group without the others is how we did it the first time ;-) as quarantine ended. It’s set up as a recurring meeting until December so I guess I could wait for this one to expire.

    2. TallGuy*

      NAH, but…has the group talked about group etiquette? Because it seems like it just drifted into a small event by default, not necessarily by agreement. I think you’re more in the right here – Zoom meetings do have limits on room size, and I’m the kind of guy who will turn off his camera and mic to even get up to go to the bathroom – but I can definitely see why people would forgive the virtual faux pas.

      Basically, there’s two ways that you can handle this: you can make your desires explicit, or you can accept that people might be invited in/invited back. Since you’re nominally the host, you can bring it up with the other “core” members.

    3. Nack*

      Ooh we had a similar situation in my book club (non-virtual). After 3-4 meetings together with the same set of people (about 8), one enthusiastic member invited 4 new people without discussing it with the group. She honestly just got excited and didn’t even consider that it might be a faux pas! Luckily our group organizer gently corrected her and suggested she may want to start a second book club (and I think she did).

      It may work with your current group to say “oh, I love the dynamic of our smaller group! But if you’d like to organize a bigger zoom call I’d be happy to jump on and say to everyone!”

  64. Learn to Drive a Boat?*

    In undergrad I spent a lot of time with a family who owned a boat that they’d take to various lakes. It was small enough to be pulled by a pickup truck and seated about 6-8 if I remember correctly? They used it for tubing and water skiing. These were fun memories and as I expand my own family, I’m wondering how to best make this happen in the future. (I don’t want to own a boat but I’m assuming you can rent them?)

    How does one 1) learn to drive a boat like this and 2) pull a tuber/skiier safely? Can you take lessons, and how many training hours would you prefer before feeling comfortable taking your family out on the water?

    Alternatively, can you just “rent” a captain to take you tubing for a weekend?

    1. Ali G*

      Are you near a body of water? Some of the boat rental places were we have a beach house (South Jersey) will certify you for a Captain’s License which is required to operate some water craft (I think if it is motorized).
      You certainly can also pay someone to drive you around for a day, at least in my experience. My brother used to work a job like that in the summer – taking people out fishing or on wave runners, etc.

      1. Learn to Drive a Boat?*

        That was going to be part 2 of my question! I’m new to living in eastern Massachusetts, and my past experiences on a boat were in the deep south. Is the water even enjoyable up here or too cold?

        Glad to know you can hire someone!

        1. WellRed*

          Depends where you are. I’m on the Cape right now and the water is very warm, but there yard areas on the cape where it’s much colder. I grew up in Maine and the water there is ccccooollllld! If you are not going to own a boat and be able to pilot it regularly you should not rent one to pull loved ones behind you. Too much risk of inexperience combined with unfamiliarity with a particular body of water can have disastrous consequences.

        2. Masked Bandit*

          CT native here, the water is definitely enjoyable in summer in New England, especially in this heat wave. I think people tend to do this sort of thing on lakes more than the ocean, but I’ve certainly seen both.

    2. Just a name*

      The US Coast Guard has a lot of info on boating safety on their site. If you search uscg boating safety it will pop up. States also have boating safety courses. Maryland law requires boat safety education for all boat and PWC operators who were born after July 1, 1972. Here you would search for the MD DNR site for boating safety. (Dept of Natural Resources). Places that rent boats in your area can likely direct you to what you need in your state.

    3. summer camp spouse*

      I’m most familiar with the informal setup: I grew up with a family cabin on a lake, and was allowed to drive the boat as a teenager.

      I don’t think there’s any legal requirement for any training, at least in my state.

      You can rent a boat for about $200-500/day. Search for “boat rental” or “ski boat rental” and your location. Some rental places are resorts; others just rent out the boat. Few rental places mention training on their website, but I bet they’d be a good source of information for you!

      Honestly I think you’d be fine with a few minutes of instruction and a bit of practice (for example, start by going around the lake, then pulling a tuber, then waterskiing once you feel more confident).

      Here’s what you’ll want to make sure the rental people show you: how to get the boat started; how to get it in and out of its docking place; how to not destroy the propeller when you’re in shallow water. You’ll also want to know how to hook up a tube or a waterskiing handle and the right speeds to pull a water skiier at. Other than that, I think it’s just don’t crash, don’t run out of gas, and don’t flip the boat over doing a sharp turn at high speed. And if you’re going from lake to lake, making sure you drain it so you don’t bring invasive species. And of course having life jackets for every person on board (kids need to wear them) and any other required supplies, and not driving after dark.

      Good luck and have fun!

      1. summer camp spouse*

        Ahh, looks like we are in very different parts of the country. I’m in the Midwest, where the vibes are probably different from eastern Massachusetts – the ocean is scary!

      2. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

        I will say that my experience (on a river in Canada) was similar to yours. It could be that the local cousins got a bit more training than I did because I was just visiting, but my recollection was that it was pretty much “there’s the boat dock, ask before taking out the boat, don’t run out of gas, and you need a spotter if anyone is water-skiing”. I know my 9 year old cousin with a patch over one eye (due to lazy eye) was allowed to drive the boat.

        However, this was in a river that we also all could (barely) swim across rather than the ocean, so that may change the attitude as well. (Being a bunch of rural Canadians probably also changes things – this wasn’t at a vacation spot, my aunt and uncle just owned a riverfront house on the outskirts of their town, and the assorted kids would roam around in a pack going swimming, driving the boat, and riding bikes places while the adults all socialized separately.)

    4. Nack*

      One thing to consider is how widely boating can vary – and what the captain needs to know. For example my cousins live inland and boat on a man made lake. The water is 5ft deep everywhere. We live in a coastal area (so both ocean and river boating) and it’s essential for the captain to understand tides, wind, currents, waves, weather prediction, etc. and that’s before you introduce any kind of water sport, or boat breakdown/maintenance.

      I know here (NC) licensing is not required. Most people grow up boating and learn from dad/uncle/neighbor. So I’m no help on the learning front!

      One more thing to consider is what you will do in case of an engine failure/other emergency. Most boaters I know have some small engine knowledge out of necessity. Boats can be finicky! Most boaters also are registered with a service like SeaTow or Boat US (I don’t know if these are nation-wide or more local) – boats that will come get you and tow you home if something goes wrong. So consider some worst-case scenarios too!

  65. Ali G*

    I haven’t seen a cooking thread yet, so I’ll start one.
    What’s cooking?
    I made taquitos on Friday with a new product I found: Crepini. They are these little crepes made with egg whites and are like 15 calories (no dairy) and GF. They were good! I stuffed them with chicken leftover from making stock, mushrooms and scallion, and cooked them in the air fryer.
    Yesterday I attempted to smoke a 4 lb ribeye roast but it took way too long so we ended up with a cast iron pizza. We’ll see how it turned out today for dinner!
    Today is weekly meal prep: salmon with salad for lunch, sous vide chicken, and a spaghetti squash and rice salad.

    1. Damn it, Hardison!*

      All of that sounds great! I am making an eggplant and ricotta casserole today.

    2. Jay*

      Made grilled steak salad last night for dinner – new recipe, yummy. Put a rub on the steak – ancho chile powder, garlic, cumin, salt, brown sugar, oregano, sesame oil. Marinated in the fridge for a few hours. Grilled it rare and grilled onions as well. Sliced steak and chopped onions added to a green salad with radishes and salted avocados, dressed with lime juice, garlic, olive oil. SO GOOD.

      We have lots and lots of carrots in the garden so I also made carrot cupcakes to take to a picnic today. Used a King Arthur recipe and it’s lighter and spicier than carrot cake usually is. This morning I’ll make a vegan cream cheese icing (hubs can’t eat dairy) to go with.

      2. Seeking Second Childhood*

        There’s a Thai version of that which we love. It can be done with steak or squid. It includes nuoc mam, lime juice, chili powder, and fresh herbs. We’ve had it cold and hot….always spicy.

    3. GoryDetails*

      Made a green gazpacho by way of using up some of my bumper crop of cucumbers; came out very tasty, and perfect for these steamy hot days.

      1. sagewhiz*

        Especially when you turn it into Drunken Gazpacho—by adding a shot of vodka to each serving! ;-) I blend the soup enough to serve from a glass. Cocktail and dinner, all in one!

        1. GoryDetails*

          Well, there you go! Though with cucumber I might add tequila instead – a cucumber margarita?

    4. Seeking Second Childhood*

      It’s been so hot here that we are cooking outside. Many grilled sandwiches, with basil picked fresh from the planter on the patio. Grilled zucchini since the deer have at least left us those.

    5. UKDancer*

      I made spaghetti amatriciana yesterday which was amazing. It was a new recipe and it worked really well. I have frozen the remainder and will have it later in the week.

      Today I’m doing a red Thai beef curry with coconut rice because I feel like Thai tonight. I usually make it with red pepper and bamboo shoots and it’s usually really good.

    6. Bluebell*

      It’s so hot here, but a visit to a friend with a garden resulted in lots of gazpacho for the week. Plus we grilled paneer and eggplant and corn. Last night was a mushroom, tomato, and Munster cheese omelette

    7. Firebird*

      Made a plum pie that came out like soup. I checked some other recipes and it seems like it should have worked. Maybe the plums were too ripe? Anyway, it tastes good. So I poured out the liquid (saving it because I want to see if I can do something with it.) Then I warmed it up and topped it with ice-cream. Yummy accident.

      1. Overbooked*

        Plum pie is the best. After years of soupy pies I started using tapioca flour as a thickening. You only need 2 tablespoons max. Mix it with a little of the sugar in the recipe if it seems lumpy. It’s clear, tasteless, and more stable than cornstarch, and a package will last forever. Cheapest at Asian grocery stores.

    8. beentheredonethat*

      I saw a cooking competition make Korean cheesy corn dip. I looked at the recipe and then riffed. Sauteed onions and green peppers in my wok, added cooked rice and cooked bacon, tablespoon of yogurt, jack and cheddar cheese, sriracha, 5 spice. It was so good.

  66. Seeking Second Childhood*

    It’s been a pandemic lifetime since we saw my teen’s grade school friend (one of a trio of best friends only split because they all aged out of a regional school) and now her sweet 16 party is approaching. First bday party since 2019.
    We’re so at a loss for ideas that I’m asking you guys for suggestions. Birthday girl is a guitarist, a hiphop dance fan, loved her bling when we last met up.

    1. curly sue*

      Are you asking for gift ideas? (I wasn’t entirely clear on the question) My teen loves money and gift cards, of course, ideally to bookstores. If she’s into music, does she have a spotify subscription? Or a gift card to a fun local clothing store?

    3. J.B.*

      I agree with the gift card suggestion there are also some quirky card games like exploding kittens.

    4. kiki*

      I would do a gift card to a music store and some less-expensive jewelry you think she’d like, so it feels a little bit more personal than a gift card alone.

  67. kiki*

    Any tips for low-cost friend-making activities an non-athletic introvert who just moved to a new city?

    After ending a long and trying relationship, I just moved to the city I’ve always wanted to live in. I’m in my late 20s. I have a few friends who live in my new city, but I don’t want to be completely dependent on them for friendship and socialization. I work completely remotely in a very solitary job, so if I don’t make an effort, I can go a whole week without talking to another person. My ex and I lived together for several years, so I’m not used to this level of isolation.

    I’ve started volunteering, but does anyone have other suggestions? I get a lot of group sport recommendations when I ask other people, but I’m really not into kickball or softball. There’s a hiking club I want to join once it cools down, but that won’t be for a couple months. I’m specifically looking for no or low-cost ideas. I really love cooking and art classes, but a lot of what I’m seeing in my area are too expensive for me to do regularly.

    1. KatEnigma*

      Look into meet up groups in the city. The activities vary, but are usually pretty inexpensive.

      1. The Person from the Resume*

        That was my suggestion too. I run a book club on meetup (and there are lots of other book clubs) and I’m in a hiking group and a science group. Unfortunately since COVID the science group has gone all online. That’s just not as engaging to me and I don’t participate. But there’s lots of options.

    2. just another queer reader*

      A few ideas, from me, a person who doesn’t do sports but does live in a city with a ton of publicly-funded institutions:

      – check out the activities at the public library. Mine has free book clubs plus a bunch of other events for adults, like writing workshops and crafts
      – check out your city’s Community Education and Parks and Rec department. Mine have loads of classes and activities: languages, skills, art, outdoors, dance, and more. Cost varies; typically ends up being about $10/hr of class time.
      – if you’re willing to hang out with grad students, maybe keep an eye on interesting, open to the public events at a nearby university. My college hosts tons of guest speakers and many are free and open to the public.
      – volunteering. Getting super involved in leadership in a small, informal group would probably be the quickest way to get to know people. Follow your passion – do you want to help out backstage with theater productions? Wash and deliver laundry for people experiencing homelessness? Help plan events for a women/trans/femme bike group? Teach financial literacy classes? Co-lead a Girl Scout troop? Cook a weekly meal at a home for people living with HIV/AIDS or other health conditions?
      – if you’re religious, regularly show up to a synagogue/ church/ temple.
      – don’t be too chicken to make plans with people! Other transplants especially will probably be looking for friends and happy you made a move.
      – I met a lot of friends on dating apps, but I’m not sure if this works for straight people.
      – journaling and phone calls to friends elsewhere can help with the loneliness of a new place.

      1. just another queer reader*

        This is maybe a weird one, but I wonder if getting a second job could help you meet people. Something like doing coat check at a bar one night a week, or a seasonal gig at a Renaissance festival, or an instructor at an art store.

        1. kiki*

          Thanks for all the wonderful ideas! I did the second job thing before in my last city and it did help me make some friends, but having the job started preventing me from doing other friend-making things on nights and weekends. I just checked out the community education dept in my new city and they have some cool events lined up for next week!

    3. Anonymous Lady of the East Kingdom*

      If you have an interest in medieval /renaissance history & arts, and a willingness to play a bit of dressup, take a look at the Society for Creative Anachronism (sca dot org). Many arts and activities rolled into one packet, with local groups across the world. If this intrigues you, contact your local group’s “chatelaine” ie the community outreach officer.

    4. Not A Manager*

      If there’s a faith tradition that you are comfortable with (or not uncomfortable with), I have found that faith-affiliated groups often offer non-religious social opportunities and the makings of some community engagement. My background is Jewish, and although I am not religious, I’ve made friends and found community in liberal-leaning synagogues by participating in their volunteer days, taking adult education classes, and going to community events. While some communities do expect you to have personal connection to the religion itself, some don’t. The church down the street from me has a lot of community events that I feel welcome to attend.

      My local JCC and my local YMCA both offer art classes. I don’t know about cooking. Some museums have low-cost docent tours or even class series in various areas. The art museums near me do, but also the science-type museums. My park district also has low-cost adult classes in a variety of areas. If you want something a bit meatier, try auditing a class at your community college. If you’re not looking for class credit, the cost should be fairly low, and some of the students will be in your age range.

      If you have a dog, look for dog communities. There are some dog parks in my city that absolutely attract regulars.

    5. HannahS*

      Just a random smattering of ideas:
      -if you already have a crafty hobby, some shops have communal nights that are free to attend (knit-nights, etc.)
      etc.)
      -two synagogues in my former town had communal gardening and free-to-attend Talmud study
      -libraries often have free events
      -book club? I don’t know how to find one, but I think they’re great
      -I considered joining the society for creative anachronism but at the time they were too far away and, well, I heard rumblings of issues relating to racism that were concerning. I didn’t do more digging (frankly, I was just really busy at the time) so I stopped there, but I do think that a lot of what they do is cool.
      -look into your local parks/rec department or local community college for low-cost classes

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Libraries can also have book clubs and discussion groups. Sometimes they have speakers on relevant topics for the times. If they have a bulletin board then check it out to see what else is going on in your area.

        If you are near a college you might find free lectures or low cost CE classes on just about anything.

        1. Girasol*

          Our library has tai chi, 3D printer maker sessions, adult game nights, craft classes, current event discussions – something for everyone. It’s a good place to find something you like and find someone else who likes it too.

    6. Maggie*

      Trivia groups, free yoga classes, meetup groups, hanging out at the neighborhood park with your dog (if you have one haha), coffee shops

      1. KatEnigma*

        That reminded me- (board) game stores usually have nights where you can come play group games – not just D&D, although there will be at least one campaign of something going.

    7. Overeducated*

      Maybe look for a library book club, or a drop-in game night at a game store or brewery? Making new friends as an adult in a new place can take a while, good luck and take heart if it seems slow, that’s normal!

    8. GoryDetails*

      I’m fond of geocaching, both as a solo hobby and as a way to discover interesting local spots that might not get on my radar otherwise. But it also has a meetup component, and if it sounds like something you’d enjoy you can look for events near you. On the casual-meeting side I’ve run into other geocachers while trying for a new cache, and had some pleasant low-investment chats on the trail or near the Interesting Historic Monument, etc.

  68. sswj*

    I’m really late with this, but …

    Has anyone had any experience with online interior designers like Modsy or Havenly or the like? I reeeeeeaaallly want a pretty house to live in but we’re on a bit of a budget, and the local designers seem to tend to cater to the larger, fancier projects in the area.

    I’ll take any stories, good or bad!

    1. Apartment 2*

      I used Modsy to help figure out furniture placement in my apartment. I didn’t end up buying any furniture they recommended and I had to swap the design somewhat because of hallways that weren’t obvious hallways, but overall I found it helpful. I got a coupon code so it was generally cheap and I felt like I got my money’s worth.

    2. Kw10*

      I used Havenly a few years ago and really liked it! I did the cheaper option which doesn’t include layout, just a design board with product ideas.

  69. Kara Danvers*

    I live about 500ft away from a concrete building that is getting torn down, floor by floor, using jackhammers.

    I’ve been noticing allergy issues this year that I haven’t had before, and I’m starting to think it’s possible it’s caused by the building. Would that generate small particles? Is there anything I can do? Filter the air better in my home? We have window AC units, I’m not sure if I can make them filter better.

    1. Generic Name*

      See if there are filters in your window a/c and clean those. Get a couple of hepa air purifiers. The dust is probably concrete along with anything else coming out of an old building (mold, dust mites, drywall or plaster). If you notice clouds of dust, you can call the city. Construction projects typically are require to have dust control plans (normally they just hose stuff down to keep dust from becoming airborne) to prevent nuisance dust from going outside the construction area.

      1. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

        You can also go with the “furnace filters taped to a box fan” method of DIY air filters. That often ends up cheaper than buying a HEPA air purifier, particularly in a situation like this where you only need it temporarily so you probably won’t need it long enough for the filters to get full and need to be replaced. Lots of people did this for COVID-related reasons, but I also know people who did this during bad wildfire smoke years. It works best with the multiple filters and the fan on top setup that you’ll see online, but you can also just tape a single filter to the back of the fan if that’s all you have room for, and it won’t work as well but will still be better than no filter at all.

    2. RagingADHD*

      Could be concrete dust and mold. Could be that the “urban wildlife” aka roaches and mice, have been disturbed and are seeking shelter in your walls. Both increase airborne allergens.

      HEPA air purifiers will help with all those things, and you should also arrange (or have building management arrange) for a visit from the exterminator.

    3. RC+Rascal*

      Yes, it is probably from the construction. Years ago my landlord sold my 1930s apartment building to a developer. Some of us were still living there when the development started. We all began experiencing allergy/cold type symptoms. I had zero history of allergies and suddenly had them.

      Went away in 3 days after I moved out. I wish I had some advice for you on what to do about it.

  70. Captain Vegetable (Crunch Crunch Crunch)*

    Liability waivers- how far is too far? I was signing up to volunteer with a group, but was turned off by the waiver. Not suing them if I get injured seems typical, but they also had a bit in there about me being responsible for repairing or replacing any equipment if I damaged it. Is that a new normal, or is that a step too far? I decided I didn’t feel comfortable volunteering with them.

    1. Kara Danvers*

      That seems weird – I definitely wouldn’t accept that sort of liability, especially for volunteering.

    3. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain*

      Seems to be a step too far but what sort of equipment are we talking? Tables and chairs, or laptops and vehicles? If it’s the former, damage to tables and chairs is the cost of doing non-profit business. But I can maybe understand if there is high-dollar equipment you are given, they expect your liability insurance to cover it if you’ve been negligent.

    4. WellRed*

      Nope! I would have walked away too. If you have employees or volunteers working with your equipment you have to assume the burden of something going wrong, not placing it on those you hire or “hire.”

    5. Generic Name*

      This seems like a cheap and lazy way to get out of carrying adequate insurance coverage. Push the liability down onto your unpaid helpers. Not cool. I hope you mentioned why you changed your mind about volunteering for them. I’d bet most people signed the document without reading it.

    6. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      The group I work with certainly doesn’t do that! The only times we’ve gone after a volunteer would be when they actually stole from us. I could see some sort of “you certify that you already know how to use [specific piece of expensive machinery] and if you break it by doing something a trained person would know better than to do, that expense is on you” form in theory, but really, it’s the org’s job to make sure people are trained on the stuff they’re using before letting them use it. (Unless the person is, I don’t know, actively lying to us about having a driver’s license, shows us a convincing fake one, and then crashes our truck because they’ve never driven a vehicle before in their lives or something, but that isn’t a problem we’ve actually faced.)

  71. RosyGlasses*

    Book thread! What are folks reading lately?

    I finished Lessons in Chemistry in one sitting after the commentariat raved about it and now am deciding between The Secret Life of Albert Entwistle and The Ministry for the Future – both on my TBR shelf.

    Also if this posts twice apologies – the page reloaded on my phone mid comment.

    2. GoryDetails*

      Several in progress as usual, including:

      PATHOGENS by James Schannep, a choose-your-own-path book for adults, from the author’s series of same – and they’re all very, very good. This one’s set at the outset of a zombie apocalypse and lets you choose between six very different characters, some of whose paths intersect with others and some who mostly go it alone. The prose is quite good in itself, solid character development and plots, and the choose-your-path options are nicely done; sometimes any choice will lead back to the same path, but there’s different “color” text along the way, and even when the choices are lethal the story’s entertaining. [If you want a more light-hearted story than a zombie apocalypse, he has another book featuring superheroes, and another in which you can choose to be a British naval officer – or a pirate!]

      GALLANT by Victoria Schwab is a YA fantasy novel in which an orphan discovers that the ancestral home her late mother warned her against in her journal it perhaps her only refuge – or maybe a curse. Very atmospheric, with a kind of “scary Secret Garden” vibe.

      SILK by Alessandro Baricco is an intriguing novel (more of a novella) about a 19th-century Frenchman who’s become wealthy by traveling the world to acquire silkworm eggs with which to maintain his region’s silk industry. But when he makes it into the long-sequestered land of Japan, he falls for the enigmatic courtesan belonging to the lord with whom he’s doing business, kicking off a very slow-burning and subtle would-be romance.

      On audiobook, I’m enjoying SPACE: 1969 by Bill Oakley, one of the Audible Originals that’s free to subscribers. It features a full voice-cast and is set in an alternate-history ‘verse in which JFK survived Dallas (with a fetching eyepatch) and has boosted space travel to the point where there’s a luxury hotel on the moon. But all is not well, and this increasingly-wacky ode to ’60s pop-culture follows a gravel-voiced nurse as she stumbles across one clue after another that the beloved president (now on his 3rd term – take that, 22nd amendment, as JFK says in-story) is not quite himself. [Those of use who remember the ’60s might find this more entertaining than those who don’t, but as I’m definitely in the former group I’m loving it, cackling at each new nod to yet another long-forgotten aspect of that time.]

    3. Bluebell*

      Just finished Danica Roem’s Burn the Page and really enjoyed it. Also read Sally Hepworth’s The Younger Wife and thought it was fun. I’m off on vacation next week, and the Gabrielle Zevin book is on my kindle, as well as the first book in the new series by Janet Evanovich.

      1. RosyGlasses*

        I used to love Janet E books – maybe I’ll have to check out her new series – the number ones just started getting onerous!

    4. M&M Mom*

      Same re reading it in one sitting! And when I read the description a few weeks back,I wasn’t interested. People here convinced me!

  72. NeeNee*

    I was wondering if anyone has done a cruise with the company UnCruise Adventures? Specifically Alaska? Thank you

    2. Defective Jedi*

      My cousin (retirement age) has done several Alaska trips with them and RAVES about the staff, service, and fellow cruisers.

  73. Sabine the Very Mean*

    TL/DR : I dislike my emotionally abusive father and am embarrassed to be seen with him in public. Brother is getting married in two months. How do I establish boundaries like refusing to dance with him before the event so I don’t have to do it in front of my family?

    My brother announced that he is marrying his long term partner and mother of his kids. We’re more of an elope-and-party-later type of family but he’s chosen to have a wedding and invite the family. This means my father as well. My parents had a horrific marriage which I barely survived before they finally divorced when I was 13 (36 now). My father is a shell of a human being. He’s a miser and lives in absolute squalor and refuses to get help for various co-occuring mental illnesses. He’s been unemployed for 20 years and lives off annuities and the settlement from the divorce (mom paid him off). He views health insurance and health care as the ultimate scam and has never held health insurance as an adult. He’s not yet 65. He almost died in a car wreck in 2020 and still holds no car or health insurance and still drives without his seatbelt. He’d steal from his kids if given the chance. And has.

    I’m not ashamed to admit I’m embarrassed of him in every way. He’s not homeless but you would think he was if you saw him. Wears old broken shoes and clothes that no longer fit. He lost his teeth to neglect and lost his partial bridge and now just walks around like that. He hates everything and complains and spews negativity and vitriol wherever he goes. Yet my brother invites him everywhere. My mom’s side of the family is healthy, hardworking, upstanding people.

    How can I say now that he needs to entertain himself, find his own accommodations and that I won’t be dancing with him (the thought of being touched by him makes my physically ill and this thought is keeping my up sweating with anxiety). Should I ask my brother not to play slow dance songs or do I text my dad now to lay out my boundaries? My father will find every way to trample my boundaries including putting me on the spot in front of everyone even after he’s been told.

    1. L. Ron Jeremy*

      Curious why your brother invites him everywhere if he knows how you feel about him? Does your bro get along with him? Do you get along with your bro?

      1. Sabine the Very Mean*

        My brother has, since birth, taken on my father’s emotional load. When the rest of us had been beaten down and could no longer fake niceties, my brother would sacrifice his own happiness to make my dad happy. My brother doesn’t enjoy being around him but feels obligated. I get along with my brother very very well but he doesn’t like talking about how much I dislike our dad because “he just wants everyone to get along”. Like I don’t.

        1. L. Ron Jeremy*

          Thanks for the update. So he’s a “go along to get alone” type of guy; one that everyone probably stampedes into submission.

          Go with the advice below and keep your head on a swivel; head for cover when you see dad coming your way.

    2. fposte*

      If your father will find every way to trample your boundaries no matter what you do, you can’t preclude this problem in advance. You also can’t ask your brother not to have slow dances at his own wedding. I understand you probably want a way not to worry about this until and on the day, but I don’t think it’s possible.

      What that mainly leaves are evasive maneuvers. “Sorry, can’t help” to requests to solve his accommodation problems, then silence. “Sorry, can’t make it” to entertainment invites, then silence. “Sorry, no, can’t” to dance requests, then repeat or depart. If there’s a trusted friend or relative you can ask them to help on the day as well. In person, the key is that you not be standing still when he addresses you–you’re either walking away already or you’re sitting immovably (position your chair so that you can get up and walk away if you need to). The easiest way to avoid a conversation is not to be there for it, and you don’t magically have to stand still just because he’s talking to you. That’s why architects made bathrooms.

      Sorry you’re in this position.

    3. WoodswomanWrites*

      That sounds awful. It seems to me that doing anything in advance would escalate your challenges. You want nothing to do with him, so it doesn’t seem helpful to interact with him now two months before you will see him. Given that he tramples boundaries, there’s no reason to think that talking to him in advance will make any difference. It would just involve you interacting with him even more.

      If he makes a scene at the wedding, that is all on him and people will judge him, not you. If he asks you to dance and you refuse, you remove yourself so you don’t have to hear it. Go outside, go into the bathroom, or whatever. My advice is to focus on your brother and his wife’s happy day and get away from your father any time his presence undermines that.

      2. Chauncy Gardener*

        I came here to say this. As someone from a boundary trampling/stampeding family, trying to preempt behavior will make it so much worse. It’s just loading the stampeder for bear, if you will.
        Try to get yourself into a neutral/bland/vanilla/non-reactive state. Do not load yourself for bear either. Just nope your way out of whatever situation your father is trying to create with you and slide on out of any physical proximity. Try to focus on being with your mom’s side of the family and maybe being pleasant to to brides family as well.
        And the way your father looks and acts reflects directly on him, not you. So please don’t let embarrassment over the way he looks/is take up any space in your head. I bet it doesn’t take up any in his!

    4. Double A*

      I saw a really helpful framing on a Captain Awkward letter that people can’t actually violate your boundaries, because boundaries are actions that you take. So if you’re worried about your father causing a scene, your boundary might be, “I will leave a situation where someone is trying to guilt trip me.” You can’t make someone else act one way or another, but you can tell them what you expect and how you will then act if they violate those expectations.

      You can also tell your brother so he knows your boundaries and that you will leave if need be.

      1. Sabine the Very Mean*

        Thank you Double A. It’s helpful to remind myself that I hold the cards and the boundaries are mine to protect.

    5. Not A Manager*

      I agree that it won’t help to lay this out in advance to your dad. The one thing I would add, though, is to have a conversation with your brother about your own boundaries in advance so that he isn’t surprised and/or doesn’t try to force a “compromise” or play peacemaker at the wedding.

      Try to keep your tone level and matter-of-fact, tell him how happy you are about his wedding and how much you’re looking forward to it, and then say, “I don’t know what your expectations are about our father. I want to be supportive to you in any way that I can, but I need you to know in advance that I can’t help you out with dad. If he needs help with accommodations or transportation or anything else, please don’t count on me for that stuff because I can’t do it. I would also appreciate if you would seat us as far as possible from each other and don’t put us in any ceremonial roles or dances together.”

      Either your brother will understand and make it clear that he won’t push you and your dad together, or he won’t. If there’s any question of “it’s my wedding and our family and why can’t you just dance with dad one time,” then I think you need to decide whether you can attend the wedding at all. “Brother, I love you and I would never make you choose between me and our father, but you also can’t force me to do things that are harmful to me. Can you accept that I will lovingly attend your wedding but I won’t interact with our father? Because if you can’t commit to that, I will need to be with you in spirit on your special day.”

      I’m sorry that you are in this situation.

      1. Sabine the Very Mean*

        Thank you so much for your thoughtfulness. And for not judging me. Luckily, my brother has realized that when I say X he hears X. That took a while but we finally got here.

        1. beentheredonethat*

          Would you be able to bring a friend who is capable of fending him off, so you can focus on the wedding?

          1. Sabine the Very Mean*

            You know, I’ve always been so embarrassed by him that no friend has met him since childhood. I’m a sort of worlds-must-never-collide type of person so this whole event is like a nightmare for me, really. Luckily my mom’s side is aware of all of my troubles with him so I’ll try to take cover with them all night.

            1. Not So NewReader*

              I’d pick someone who I felt comfy with and def could trust. And I’d ask that person if we could do a buddy system. They see me with dad, they find an excuse to pull me away and visa versa if they would like the favor returned.
              The crowd and chaos is in your favor. Dad approaches you, “Oh there’s Tony/Sue/Bob! I haven’t seen them in ages. I have to go over and see them.” Then wander off. In a group, what we say/do does not have to be totally logical. The fact that you saw Tony/Sue/Bob the other day is irrelevant.

              I think you will find that because there are others involved, that your father’s presence will be diluted. It won’t be the focus of the day. It is for you, and that is so very understandable. But IRL people have a way of making that feel less important. It’s one of those things that we don’t see until we are in the moment.

              One little trick I like is to carpool with someone. Usually that means we sort of stay together for the entire event. Maybe your mom’s family would be willing to do this with you.

      2. Morning reader*

        I concur with bringing it up to brother in the pre-wedding planning time. You might ask about traditional elements or what kind of special touches they are thinking of including, and mention that you don’t want to interact with your father in any way. I’m unaware of any tradition that requires the sister of the groom to dance with anyone in particular. Sometimes there’s a father/daughter or mother/son dance, or wedding party members may start off dancing with each other. But you could be able to avoid dancing using traditional etiquette means of declining, e.g. “Thank you but I’m sitting this one out.” One more likely point of difficulty may be family pictures. They often do groupings with family members together. Ask him to plan one with his siblings, and one with his parents (or one each with mother and father.) But nothing with “everyone on the groom’s side.” You might also seek out the photographer to reiterate this so they remember when they start calling for groups.
        If that’s not enough, consider attending only part of th wedding. Go to the ceremony and skip the party. Or if you can get brother to invite dad only to the ceremony, you go only to the party.
        You could also bring a plus-one who knows the situation and has your back. Someone who could help you leave immediately if you give the signal.
        Hope it all works out!

        1. Not So NewReader*

          I go back to a time where if a guy asked a woman to dance it was rude to say no.
          OP, those days are gone-gone-gone.
          It’s okay to say no. Practice in front of the mirror saying. “Thank you but I am sitting this one out.” Get used to the sound of your own voice saying NO.

    6. RagingADHD*

      I agree with others that telling him anything now will not deter him if he wants to make a pest of himself later. And if you try to warn him off now, and he ignores it, that will just be twice as infuriating and demoralizing for you.

      You mentioned that your mom’s side of the family understand the situation and are supportive. What about recruiting a cousin or someone from that side, who can be your designated wingman, and step in to divert / defuse/ distract or otherwise derail your father if he tries to start something with you?

      If possible, it’s probably better to choose someone who is subtle rather than overtly intimidating, because you are trying to avoid a scene if possible. But if there isn’t anyone who can be smooth about it, someone intimidating is better than nothing.

      Talking to them now will give you something productive to do, help ease your anxiety, and hopefully give you the freedom to enjoy the celebration instead of feeling like you have to hide.

    7. RC+Rascal*

      As a survivor of a crazy family you have my sympathies.

      Typically all the family dances happen at the very start of the reception. Is there a way you can make yourself scarce while this is going on? Or, can you take on a job at the wedding that takes you away from that portion, i.e. help serve the cake?

      I agree it won’t be helpful to tell him ahead of time you don’t want to dance with him. That’s all the more opportunity for him to plan to make a scene.

    8. Not So NewReader*

      Not what you really asked about OP, but I’d like to spend a minute talking about wearing other people’s embarrassment for them.

      Decide NOT to.

      My mother was very good at making scenes in public. But she drilled it into me NOT to make a scene in public. I ended up being a very conflicted person for a while. Then one day, I decided that I was no longer going to carry/wear her embarrassment/her shame FOR her. If she made foolish choices in public she would have to sort that out herself.

      I also was just generally embarrassed to call her my mother. So there was that piece also.

      What happened next was amazing. It took time. I had to practice refusing to wear her embarrassment for her. So after a bit, I found I changed. I grew more confident in public. I found parts of myself since I was freed from having to explain/watch/compensate for HER.

      OP, you and I are no longer those little kids who are hopelessly attached to a train-wreck of an adult. We are adults now. And we now are able to see that most of the adults around us “get it”. They get that Parent is a train wreck and we have nothing to do with how much of a train wreck Parent is.

      It took some years of practicing to refuse to wear my mother’s embarrassment for her and I realized this actually applies to EVERYONE. So this is a real good investment of time to work on this. I got to a point where there is nothing anyone can do in public that causes me to feel embarrassed for them. It was so freeing. When people have honest difficulty I have no problem helping a stranger. When people just have bad behavior I quickly jump to understanding that this is not the fault of the person who happens to be with them atm.

      And putting the embarrassment to one side allowed me to start to process all the other emotions I had going on. Anger. Grief. Abandonment. I could go on. And you can tackle those emotions one at a time and at your own pace.

      Your father is the one who needs to be embarrassed about his life choices. NOT YOU. Let other people’s words be a reassurance. You will probably need to hear it over and over. Let yourself hear it and absorb it into you. It’s NOT YOU, OP.

      1. Sabine the Very Mean*

        This was glorious. Thank you so much for taking the time. I will work on it!

    9. Mac (I Wish All The Floors Were Lava)*

      You’ve already gotten so many great, thoughtful replies, but I’m going to add my own thoughts real quick. I am estranged from my mom because of her racism, narcissism, and untreated addiction, among other things. I recently attended a family funeral where even though she did not approach me or try to talk to me, the emotional fallout from just seeing her was intense. I went through a week of deep depression afterwards and was even having some self-harm urges (I’m fine now– I have many coping mechanisms and a strong emotional support system and an excellent therapist). If you do decide to go to this wedding and your brother absolutely will not disinvite your dad, I strongly suggest you reconsider the idea of bringing a plus-one of your most pitbull-ish BFF, and DEFINITELY have someone on call for decompressing/crying/ranting afterwards. I cannot stress enough how just being around someone who has abused you can mess with your head even if they aren’t actively trying to jerk you around. You deserve support; ask for it and don’t feel ashamed for needing it.

  74. periwinkle*

    TL;DR version: If you owned a pet-friendly Airbnb or other short-term rental property, what extra fees/conditions would you consider fair for a 6-month rental when the renters have multiple cats?

    The bad news is that despite some downturn in the market, Seattle-area prices are still ridiculous. We bought our 3/2 1550 sqft house in an unfashionable but convenient suburb in 2015 for $315k. Redfin’s estimate based on comps is $750k (!!!). We didn’t plan to stay in this place forever and it has some annoying flaws. However, we’d be paying $800k-$1.1 million to move up to what we want and still might need to put another chunk into cosmetic updates/reconfigurations. That would be silly.

    The good news is that we have a nice chunk of money saved for the down payment for the house that we now aren’t going to buy. We also have a good amount of equity since assessments have gone up and we’re a third of the way through our 20-year mortgage. So, renovation it is! We’ll be talking with a contractor/architect (recommended by a friend, and I’ve seen their work quality firsthand) to discuss different options for updating and upsizing our current house.

    But… we have 7 cats. And the kind of work we want to have done necessitate moving out during a large portion of the construction (preferably all of it). Depending on what level of reno we decide to have done, we’d need to rent a place for 4 to 8 months. Two adult humans, 7 indoor cats who behave like cats (barfing and scratching merrily as they go).

    Although the best option would be to rent an empty house/townhouse and use our current furniture, I’m having no success yet in figuring out how to find such a place which would accept our clowder of furballs in a short-term rental. I think a pet-friendly Airbnb could be our best option and plan to contact several when we have a better idea of the timeline. What could I offer to make the deal seem less “oh hell no” in the eyes of the owner?

    Options I thought of: Protect all carpeted areas with waterproof/clawproof materials (heavy-duty tarp, most likely). Pay for professional carpet deep-cleaning at the end of the rental period. Protect all upholstered furniture with a combination of plastic corner guards and slipcovers. Pay to transport and store the owner’s upholstered furniture and move in/out our own during the rental period.

    Thoughts?

    1. L. Ron Jeremy*

      I’d double the security deposit and maybe add an additional fee for each cat, and of course charge you for whatever damage happens to the place and cleaning needed when you leave. Cat pee has a way of penetrating surfaces and various substrates that cleaning doesn’t completely remove, so I’d most likely ask you to cover these items up front as well.

      These items can be in writing to make it legal to cover both parties.

      No one will be happy to rent an Airbnb that smells like cat pee.

    2. WellRed*

      Honestly my thought is you aren’t going to find anyone willing to take on seven cats short or long term but maybe if you are willing to commit to a year lease? I’d expect to have to pay a hefty nonrefundable deposit, and special cleaning fees.

    3. Raboot*

      If going the airbnb route, ask the owners if they’d be willing to store their own furniture while you rent, and you’d pay for the storage facility and moving costs? Might be easier than trying to live with ironclad cat-proofing and cheaper than replacing their furniture if damaged.

    4. Morning reader*

      I’m unfamiliar with such long term airbnbs; I’ve used that only for a couple days or a week here and there, and it doesn’t seem setup for moving whole households. In similar positions, I’ve done a rental apartment with a six month lease. The problem may be finding one that takes that many cats. Most apartment complexes seem to limit pet numbers and sizes. Consider finding a private landlord and offering the considerations you mention, or, a regular place that allows a couple of cats and find short term fosters for the others. (When I was looking many years ago, a place i liked only allowed one cat. My two cats were almost identical and I briefly considered saying I only had one and sneaking the other in. Unless they were both seen at the same time, who could tell? Ultimately I didn’t take that place and I was too nervous about getting kicked out to really try it. But with seven cats… is anyone actually counting them? You could hedge with “several” maybe, but better to have an explicit agreement in place.)
      Other option: find temp housing for all the cats and stay in your house during the reno yourselves. Visit them often so they don’t feel abandoned.

    5. Reno with cats!*

      First, I will say that however long you think the renovation will be, add (I’d double it, based on my experience). A one-year lease of a house would be an easier bet for you to get, I would think. And since I didn’t want the landlord showing our house near the end of the lease while we weren’t home (but our 2 cats were), we paid for an extra month. Life was stressful enough without strangers going through the house. We got lucky with a house that had no carpeting (and declined one because it had lots of carpeting, which is eeeew to me and my allergies/asthma). We packed up a chunk of our stuff in one of those pods they deliver to your home and took our beds, sofa, kitchenware, clothing to the rental house.

      You maybe don’t have to tell a landlord about the exact number of cats, but I’d still say to throw money at them. Also, maybe give them your vet’s phone number, so they can know you take great care of your cats, and head off any medical/behavioral problems.

    6. Sabine the Very Mean*

      Does your house smell like cat pee? If not, part of the background process could be to invite the potential landlord over to see for themselves.

    7. Maggie*

      I’m not sure of anywhere that would rent to a person with 7 cats short or long term… sorry that is not encouraging. It would have to be a huge deposit for me because even one cats pee can cause soooo much damage and could require replacing a floor. Idk maybe try reaching out at the vets or a cat cafe to see if they have any good leads?? Or a shelter? Maybe someone super pet friendly has space?

    8. fhqwhgads*

      This would be in Seattle? My understanding is if you have more than 3, you need a kennel license, unless you’ve got 20,000 sq ft. Are there landlords who might not care about that aspect? Probably, but they’re probably hard to find, so I’d be concerned you’re already in “oh hell no” territory.

      1. KatEnigma*

        My SIL has 2 pitbull mixes and she always managed to find rentals, even though I know that my insurance covers MY “bully breed” (only 2 major insurers who will. Unless you’re in a State that forces them to) but wouldn’t cover a renter’s… And then she always has THE worst experiences with those landlords who allowed it. People who are dishonest to their insurance company or the city are often dishonest with you too, shockingly.

        We had 3 cats in Silicon Valley and struggled with rentals. We did go the “not disclosed the 3rd cat” route in a couple places because one of the cats would never let a stranger lay eyes on him. The cat sitter always had to look under furniture with a flashlight to make sure he was still breathing. But that was 1 extra cat, not 5.

    9. Anono-me*

      I think it is unlikely you will find anything reasonablely habitual. Have you looked at buying a nice RV or camper and parking it in your driveway for the duration? You could then sell it after the remodel (with any appropriate depreciation).

    10. kiki*

      To be completely honest, I think you’re going to have a hard time finding a rental that will allow your 7 cats at all without a substantial financial incentive upfront. A lot of apartments charge “pet-rent” of $50 per pet per month. Something like that ($350/month) plus an additional deposit may be enticing enough?

  75. Danish*

    I’m being such a grinch about this but it’s SeaFaire weekend here in Seattle and the Blue Angels have been out flying – either practicing or doing the actual show – since Thursday. I understand that they are very neat to look at, but I both live and work in the area they fly over and it’s hell. For me and my pets. No one I’ve ever spoken to who LIVES HERE likes them because it’s deafening and so frequent.

    I almost can’t believe that in an Era where we are more aware of mental health and Endless War that we still want a whole Fancy Air Weapon Demonstration Show over your residential district but I know that’s just me being, again, a grinch about it because I hate loud noise and this happens every year during what would otherwise be some of the best summer days.

    1. Danish*

      –cut off before I finished, but my question was going to be, does anyone have any good noise reduction or coping strategies? Especially for pets?

    3. KatEnigma*

      We used to live on the flight path to Moffet Field just outside Mountain View, and about once a month, some idiot Hot Shot thought it was cool to buzz a residential area.

      I never knew the sound effects from those old WW2 movies before the bombs fell were absolutely realistic.

      Sound machines only do so much. I would look into a pet friendly hotel Elsewhere for next year.

    4. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I still grinch any time anyone mentions the Blue Angels and I left Seattle almost ten years ago. (I was standing near the Washington Mutual building in late September 2001 when some hotshot decided to buzz downtown. Everyone for four blocks dove for cover before we realized what was going on. Assholes.)

      My dogs sometimes have trouble with neighborhood noise and it helps if I have a movie or something playing in the house, something where they know what the noise is coming from? Weirdly, war documentaries help block out fireworks and thunder the best, maybe because the big noises in the movie are similar.

    5. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      I’ve started taking my dog and staying elsewhere for the Big Airshow Weekend here. I am also a big grump about air shows and always have been. It’s not just you.

      Otherwise, with my dog I try the same things that generally work for fireworks: letting him know that it’s ok and I’m not worried about it (hard, because I wince every time the dang planes make noise), hanging out with him in the hallway spot near the center of the house where he heads every time the noises get too loud, and being really thoughtful about when, where, and how I take him outside for potty breaks so he can’t get away if he spooks. (Fenced backyard while also on leash is usually what I settle on. For fireworks,night-time noises, I also put a lighted collar on him, so if he runs off in spite of the previous precautions he’d be easier to see in the dark…)

    6. Not So NewReader*

      Up north of me is pretty desolate. The armed services practices maneuvers up there. They come in so low and fast that the dishes rattle in the cupboards. The ground shakes. It’s frightening if you do not know what is happening.
      Eh, it’s still scary even if you know.

      More locally, we have unauthorized air shows here. I complained as there were many FAA violations. I am the odd person out on this one- people think I am a jerk.

      All this to say, I stand with you, Danish. I think you have a start to a wonderful letter to your Congress people here.

  76. beentheredonethat*

    I saw a cooking competition make Korean cheesy corn dip. I looked at the recipe and then riffed. Sauteed onions and green peppers in my wok, added cooked rice and cooked bacon, tablespoon of yogurt, jack and cheddar cheese, sriracha, 5 spice. It was so good.

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