open thread – October 7-8, 2022

by Alison Green on October 7, 2022

It’s the Friday open thread!

The comment section on this post is open for discussion with other readers on any work-related questions that you want to talk about (that includes school). If you want an answer from me, emailing me is still your best bet*, but this is a chance to take your questions to other readers.

* If you submitted a question to me recently, please do not repost it here, as it may be in my queue to answer.

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  1. Syl*

    Do you have any suggestions on how to handle a previous employer not paying out your PTO?

    I resigned from my old employer in April. It is their policy to pay out unused PTO. I have had a really hard time communicating with HR. It takes multiple attempts to get them to respond to email or calls. I have a form listing how much I’m owed (over $5K). So far it has not been paid and I’m at the end of my rope. I just received the forms in August and signed them and returned them, but I have not been paid yet.

    Do I contact a lawyer? The department of labor? I’m in Colorado if that makes a difference. Thanks!

    2. WellRed*

      Have you put something like request for PTO payout as required by Colorado DOL in the subject line and then cc’ing the hell out out of it, including head of hr (if applicable), your former boss, the big boss and corporate counsel?

        1. Syl*

          My previous organization is exempt from the state DOL rules since they are a university.

          Their *own* policies state that they will pay out your PTO when you leave.

          I don’t know who the big boss and head of HR are since I worked for a department within a university?

          1. Velawciraptor*

            If you’re having a hard time sorting out who to contact in hr, the two places I’d consider going are or former supervisor and, if the university has one, the ombudsman.

          2. BupBupBup*

            I work at a university but it’s definitely hit or miss on how transparent and easy to navigate the HR website is. I am also in CO so I started googling different “X university HR org chart” and while I didn’t always get results from the university’s website, there are websites out there, like the yellow pages for org charts, that are capturing that information. How? I don’t know, but may give you another name and then with information you know about your university, you might recognize someone or know another way to verify that person is correct.

          3. Pay No Attention To The Man Behind The Curtain*

            The VP of Operations or President’s Office would likely oversee HR, but they aren’t going to get involved (most likely) on payout of PTO for a former employee. If your org has a General Council office (legal group) they might care if you are at the point of potentially making a legal case.

            Is your former Payroll Department actually under HR? In my university it is not — it’s part of the finance department which includes the Bursar, Accounts Payable, Accounts Receivable, etc.

          4. University worker*

            Does the university HR website have a page listing the contacts? Given the amount of time you’ve been waiting on this, I would go to the highest person in HR – a title like VP of HR. In the email I would list all of the different ways you’ve tried to contact HR to get paid and the amount of time you’ve been trying to resolve this. Other people you could copy on the email are your old department chair and someone high up in the dean’s office of the college your department was in.

            One other thing you might want to check is whether your staff handbook had any timeline for when unused PTO would be paid out (usually it is supposed to be paid out within a certain amount of time, like within 1 pay cycle after you leave) and reference that in the email.

          5. Esmeralda*

            Go in the university website, find HR and look for the staff listing. Find the director in that listing; you should be able to see other likely contacts. You may also be able to find an org chart.

            Your department likely had an assigned rep or officer. If you can’t figure out who that is, contact the admin asst for the dept chair. You could also contact the deans office.

            Ombudsman would ordinarily be a good recommendation, but if you don’t work there anymore, you probably can’t use them.

            If you were staff, contact the staff senate (chair Or one of the other officers) for their suggestions on how to get things moving. If faculty, similar with faculty senate. If you’re not sure how you were classified, contact both.

            The university will also have an office of legal counsel or a university lawyer’s office, which may be able to give you some suggestions (and may be interested in keeping the university from getting sued or subject to some state labor office hassle). Contact them in the spirit of, I know you’re not the right office to assist, but maybe you know who I could talk to.

            This is why we need unions…

          6. WWW.*

            I would go to a lawyer. Given it’s the employers policy and not law that it’s paid, it’s a matter for a lawyer. You are absolutely owed your leave, but looks like you won’t be paid it unless you fight them for it.

        2. Snow Globe*

          If the employee handbook/employee policy manual says that accrued PTO is paid out, then they are legally required to pay it out, regardless of what the state law says.

          Saying something like that in the email subject line can often get the request to the correct person, but at this point, I’d be contacting the state dept. of labor.

    3. Hillary*

      It’s probably better to start with internal channels before you lawyer up. If your former manager is decent, you could ask them to intervene. Or is there an admin in the department who knows everyone? Since it’s a university, is there an ombudsperson?

      good luck!

    5. Team Lawyer*

      Here’s what I did: I had a free consultation with an employee-side lawyer about the issue, and he outlined the options. He confirmed was clearly a legal violation in our state, and he could take the case; it should bel clean-cut and if they didn’t settle, an award would end up being the PTO payout + a penalty (this was based on state law) and his legal fees (or those were a cut of the penalty or the total… I can’t remember those details). His main question was: Do you know if they have the financial resources? (The company was folding.) Because the main risk was that if we got a judgement, but they just couldn’t pay. If your company is still operating, this isn’t an issue.

      From there, I sent one last email/formal letter to HR and the CEO, referencing that I’d talked to lawyer Guy Smiley, ESQ, and if Company didn’t respond/pay by X date, we would have to retain Guy to take legal action. They responded within a day or two and set up a plan to pay out what was owed (to me and several other colleagues who had quit and were in the same boat).

      I probably could have also paid Guy to write and send that letter for us — in fact, that may have been his first step if we’d retained him. But we tried the “one last time on our own” route first.

      I didn’t think of contacting the Dept of Labor… so I don’t know about that. But the lawyer angle got things cleared up FAST. It seemed scary to me, but he was just a professional who knew his stuff and just the threat of him getting involved resolved things immediately. Good luck!

    6. October Tenth*

      Thanks for posting this and thanks to all the commenters! Really great advice here. I’ve been dealing with the same issue, after a protracted battle with HR at my previous employer to get them to communicate the most basic details with my new employer. It sucks there are so many of us dealing with this but it’s nice to know I’m not alone.

  2. Ring a Ding Ding*

    A colleague and I had a tense meeting months ago, after which she told her boss I said that she should not have been hired. I said that my office had flagged that a portion of the job description was problematic because it was claiming ownership for something that was already managed with no leadership level announcement that there was a shift. It did cause issues, because those issues were what we were meeting about. 
    Her boss told his boss, who told mine. So a game of telephone adding 3 additional people between what was discussed. My boss understands what happened, supports me, but has also asked that I just let things be and let everyone cool off.
    I’m super frustrated that I’m being misrepresented. If my colleague truly believes I said she should not have been hired, I want to clarify for her that I never meant that. I don’t even want to touch that she twisted my words, I want to frame it as an obvious misunderstanding that I must correct. But my boss says no. 
    How does this impact work? I’ve noticed definite chilling from that whole team and I’m being left of of emails or not being responded to since this occurred.  I feel stuck and it’s weighing on me.

    1. DisneyChannelThis*

      Follow your bosses advice. Maybe ask boss if you can apologize to coworker. Don’t seek her out on your own.

    2. Eldritch Office Worker*

      This sounds really frustrating, and I understand how you must feel, but your boss is correct. Try to let it go and focus on a good working relationship moving forward.

    3. Trawna*

      Hi. There is only one way to “just let things be and let everyone cool off”, and that’s to let things be and let everyone cool off.

      I totally get the annoyance, but it’s something you’re going to have to live with while the situation plays itself out. The colleague misrepresenting you will probably reveal themselves in other ways, and has already been foolish enough to notify three managers of their MO.

      If there is still lack of clarity over the overlapping portion of work, address only that with your manager, so you are doing the work you need to do.

      1. Ring a Ding Ding*

        That may be why I’m having a hard time… my boss has not had any success in getting the other team to agree to roles and responsibilities. So both of us feel like the thing we’ve been asked to do is “my job” (because it is) but now I’m cagier about asserting myself as someone with authority to make a decision. My boss says it’s my job. Her upline says it’s her job.

        1. Disco Janet*

          So she’s in the exact same situation as you then regarding this job duty, so I understand both of your frustrations. (And depending on your wording, I can see why she might have felt that you were saying she shouldn’t have been hired.)

          Are your boss and hers at the same level? Do THEY have a boss who can clarify this? Because I feel like the concern over your words being twisted is losing sight of the real problem here, which is the dispute about who is responsible for this task.

    4. RagingADHD*

      I think your boss is coming from the perspective (which I agree with) that there is nothing constructive to be said. If she truly believes you insulted her, you can’t clarify it. She will just take any further comments from you as lying/trying to save face or as an infuriating non-apology. After all, when one is deeply offended, the other person saying “but that’s not what I meant” doesn’t fix anything. It sounds like “I’m sorry you were offended by what you thought you heard.”

      By the same token, her team isn’t going to believe you over her.

      The way it impacts work is exactly what you are experiencing – the team is going to be chilly to you for a while. If their non-responsiveness causes problems with your work, take that to your boss as a separate issue that needs to be solved.

      After several months, the tension should be dying down. Leave it alone a bit longer and keep behaving in a professional way. Try to resolve or flag for management any practical issues in as neutral a way as possible.

      Sometimes misunderstandings or misrepresentations can’t be talked out. You have to ride them out.

    5. Pay No Attention To The Man Behind The Curtain*

      Follow your boss on this one. It sounds like you said out loud what might already be a high level internal politics issue — the other department hired someone to do a job they maybe shouldn’t have. That’s happened in my org — a department will hire their own “marketing and communications” person, but the org HAS an entire MarCom department that handles external campaigns, social media, graphics, logos, press releases, etc. Then we get two high level VPs or C-suites battling out over territory, and the lower-ranking employees, whose jobs overlap, are caught in the middle.

    6. Qwerty*

      Your boss is right about letting people cool off and you need to be one of them. Let your boss and her boss work out who owns this and what the protocol moving foward is. It’s unfortunate that they left you and your colleague to figure this out between you in the first place when neither of you really had the authority to determine who owns it.

      To be honest, I had to read your second sentence a couple times to understand what you meant. I’m guessing the situation is that you owned the TPS reports, your boss thinks you still own it, Jane’s boss thinks Jane owns it, and Jane thinks she’s supposed to be writing TPS reports. I can see how this got interpreted as Jane shouldn’t have been hired. Your criticism is for the job description, but that is *her* job. Add in that this was a tense meeting and you are frustrated with the situation, your wording may also have been less than measured. It’s also possible that your frustration at the situation – both of you trying to own TPS reports – came off as frustration at Jane.

      Keep in mind that it’s also possible that the “should not have been hired” line might not have come directly from Jane (unless you saw an email or something). You already brought up telephone – it’s possible that phrase came from Jane’s boss interpreting her version of the conversation. Or that without this task the budget for Jane’s role wouldn’t have been approved, or her experience in related work to this task being one of the reasons she feels she got the job, etc.

      The situation sucks and letting time pass is probably the best way to move on, especially given that it has already been months.

      1. Ring a Ding Ding*

        I left out some details but I do know it came from Jane. And I know we use TPS reports as a placeholder, but in this case, her job description mentioned TPS reports in the opening paragraph as an example in a list but nowhere in the actual “job duties” and Jane doesn’t intend for it to be her whole job. She views it as about 10% of her job. I work in the department called “The Department that Creates TPS Reports” and the meeting was tense because she told me she was going to build a new way to create TPS reports… my whole job is to build the ways we need to create TPS reports.

        All that to say, and to assuage my guilt at how this went down, I did not think my statement could be construed as an assault on her whole job. I even listed the other things in her job description to say that I was not taking issue with any of them.

        But the comments are landing with minimal turbulence here so point taken.

    7. CootersGarage*

      Honestly, I think it’s possible you did come across as if her role wasn’t needed or that she wasn’t suited to part of it.

      You admit this was a “tense” meeting and that both you and your boss is irritated that this work isn’t clearly owned by you anymore. Its highly likely that those feelings showed.

      Also once the meeting became tense you should have ended it. From the sound of things your boss is at least a skip level above her boss so I assume that means you are sr to her on the org chart which means you bear more responsibility in keeping relationships smooth between departments.

      Lastly the theme of my 20s – sometimes you look like an asshole and there is nothing you can do about it even though you are not an asshole and weren’t an asshole. Just got to let it go.

  3. Time for leveling up*

    If you need to upskill with software/knowledge that isn’t part of your current job, what are your tricks for finding the energy to do this?

    I have long hard days that are mentally draining, and I desperately want to work in a less dinosaur-ish organization. I need to sit down and teach myself the “newer” way of doing my job that my company refuses to embrace, but by the end of the day I’m completely wiped. Even if I am not physically doing something else and can technically spare the time to study, my brain is mush.

    1. callmeheavenly*

      no advice, only empathy. I need to upskill in a hundred different ways and partake of resume-building activity in a thousand others, but the spoons are just nonexistent.

      1. MigraineMonth*

        Yeah, unfortunately the only way I’ve found the energy to upskill or job search was to quit my current job, which I realize isn’t something most people can/should do.

        I will say that accountability is essential for me getting stuff done, so I look for something structured like an actual class. Good luck!

    2. Miette*

      Are you fresher in the mornings? Perhaps getting up an hour earlier per day would work.

      Or treat it as a workshop you are going to, and set aside 4 hours on 4 consecutive Saturdays (or whatever works) for focused learning.

      I can also recommend LinkedIn Learning for this kind of thing–I am able to access it through my grad school’s portal as an alumni benefit.

      1. I take tea*

        I have a friend who managed to write his thesis by rising two hours earlier and writing it. I couldn’t do it, I’m mushy in the mornings myself, but it worked for him. He always said that he had better focus in the morning anyway.

    3. Spearmint*

      Is there anyway you can reduce your workload and do some raining at work? Since you want to leave soon anyway, maybe you can scale back and just do the bare minimum core responsibilities.

    4. mymotherwasahamster*

      This doesn’t help with the energy and you already have the incentive, but maybe an extra accountability mechanism would help? Stickk.com has worked wonders for me in the past and it’s probably past time for me to start another project on that site.

    5. Put the Blame on Edamame*

      Really tiny steps and focused goals. I have a big long list of stuff I need to skill up in, and I find that makes me freeze, so pick one that you are actually amped for, then fo something very small- 5 minute YouTube video, read a short blog post, write down 3 questions you have. Start small and aim for once or twice a week max. It will snowball!

    6. 3lla*

      I like using Udemy for this. the courses are broken up into segments of 15 minutes or less for you, and then you get a certificate after you watch all the videos. I can usually manage the 5-15 minutes for one lesson. if you can’t, is there something you can outsource to make room? cleaning service is less expensive than you might expect.

    7. Chaordic One*

      Although it did require some effort on my part, I took classes at my local community college. After I got to class, even though I was physically tired, I kind of relaxes and was able to focus on the subject at hand. I really learned a lot and it really helped me in my day-to-day job.

    8. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      I second tiny steps. And sometimes kicking in a few of your own bucks if it means you learn faster.

      I made a list of what skills/work style I need to upgrade to (also in a dinosaur org!). Next project at work I tried to work in some of those skills (after taking a short course – which I DID get work to pay for) and bought and used the software on my own. 10 bucks and 10 hours later (and a FAR more successful workshop than had ever been delivered before, with rave reviews and pushes to do this approach more often) I can now confidently check THAT off my list and move to the next item.

      Ive also just found that some meetup groups offer online 1-1.5 hour teach ins. I joined one for a specific area Im interested in (see above). Itll be a good intro and bite-sized enough for me to pursue in another work project. Also – its on a Saturday and I can watch in my jammies.

      I guess my point is to try and not work both paths, but see where you can cross over your learning into your current job to optimize your time and brain power. Try things where its low risk. Learn by doing. Seek out conversations with others in professional groups outside of work to get out of the culture bubble. Find what learning style energizes you and look for opportunities to learn that way.

  4. CootersGarage*

    Admin assistant faked being our boss

    I had a decision that I needed input on from my boss, and I asked “Jen” her admin when she would be available. Jen stated that our boss’ decision would be X. I let Jen know that I appreciated her thoughts, but I knew this was a decision our boss would want to be in the loop on, but Jen refused to look at the calendar and insisted she knew best.

    I shot our boss “Sarah” a quick email. Hey Sarah, I know you are busy but I need input on this decision for the Y project. Jen thinks you will want X but I know you have considered Z and you wanted me to keep you in the loop on these. I need to let the vendor know by Friday. What are your thoughts? 

    Shortly after I got a curt email from Sarah stating that Jen has her utmost confidence and I should respect her judgement and trust when she says that I’m too busy to work on something.

    Well the next day Sarah called me into her office for an update on the project. I let her know I put the X order in and she asked me why I didn’t consult her first because she wanted Z. Confused – I showed her the email I received in response to me checking and it turns out that Jen wrote that. Jen had full control of Sarah’s inbox, and could reply as her, not just reply on behalf of her. Jen had also deleted my email and the sent email to cover her tracks but I was able to help Sarah search her deleted folder.

    Well Sarah revoked Jens access to delete and send emails as her, but that was it. I let Sarah know that several people had complained to me in the past that they thought Jen was deleting emails addressing concerns with ber, but Sarah said she felt this was a one off. I pushed back and said that if Jen was willing to react this strongly to me not taking her advice on a project she wasn’t even a resource on AND go in and try to hide her tracks that this has probably happened before and I would absolutely believe her capable of hiding criticisms about her. Sarah told me I needed to not take Jens mistake so personally.

    Am I taking this too personally? Would most people assume this was a one time mistake?

    I am job searching and admit I don’t like Jen so that could be coloring my perspective.

    1. Put the Blame on Edamame*

      Holy guacamole this is full of bees! The fact that Sarah thought it was ok is a real worry, while Jen was way out of bounds I am more shocked at Sarah. If I were you I’d think about if there are other dysfunctional signs about this workplace.

      1. CootersGarage*

        I wouldn’t say Sarah thought it was OK, she did tell me that she warned Jen that was unacceptable and that a consequence was losing access to the inbox, but she was pretty dismissive when I brought up the other deletion concerns.

        I’m a team lead and staff have grumbled to me about this a few times, but I didn’t know Jen had this level of access. The one time I brought that up before (with the prior boss) I was shut down hard.

        So when this was discovered to me it was pretty damning evidence that she was probably deleting emails after all! And even if those complaints weren’t there I would have personally fired Jen.

        Being in a place like this can warp your brain. I sometimes wonder if I’m the one over reacting so I appreciate the gut check.

        1. MigraineMonth*

          It sounds like Sarah is treating this as if Jen made a mistake, rather than what it was: Jen impersonated someone with a higher level of authority to *lie to you* and then tried to cover her tracks in order to *lie to her boss*.

          That’s not a “revoke some access” level offense, that’s “revoke all access and have security escort her out” level. She has shown herself to be untrustworthy, dishonest and manipulative, and her manager is leaving her in a position of trust. Get out!

          2. Mallory Janis Ian*

            Right?! This is an immediate firing situation, not a slap on the hand situation. We had someone in my old university department who did something similar, and the campus police escorted her off campus and said she isn’t allowed back on.

        2. Chickaletta*

          It could be that Sarah is trying to respond in a neutral manner to you and may be more upset privately by Jen’s actions. A good leader won’t create more drama by reacting to drama – so she may be signaling to you “hey, I’ll take it from here, please don’t worry about this or concern yourself with it anymore” while privately escalating the issue to HR or IT.

          I’m an assistant and would never have done what Jen did – that’s a potentially terminable offense. Also, my advice above is based on how I’ve seen MY boss respond to personnel issues – they’re just simply not discussed or escalated with anyone outside of HR and the employee who it’s about and my boss’ response to anyone else is of the gray rock variety.

          1. CootersGarage*

            It’s been a week and Jen is still here so I doubt she is getting fired. Those tend to be quick around here.

            1. Mallory Janis Ian*

              There is something wrong with your boss’s judgement. This isn’t some small-potatoes mistake; this is a hugely fireable offense. Now nobody can trust anything the boss communicates by email, and how far back does this go?

    2. Jean Pargetter Hardcastle*

      This isn’t a mistake! This is deliberate subterfuge. I doubt it’s the first time, because I doubt your colleagues are suspecting this without reason, and if it is the first time, I doubt it will be the last.

    3. PrincessFlyingHedgehog*

      You’re not taking this personally. This is a very legitimate professional concern. But your boss has shown that (for now) she’s not interested in investigating further. At this point, I think the problem is with your boss, just as much as with Jen.

    4. A Penguin!*

      Yikes. That’s a fireable offense on a first offense. Ultimately not a battle/decision you can push if Sarah doesn’t see it, but I wouldn’t trust Jen OR Sarah at this point.

    5. anna*

      I think what Jen did was a fireable offense… I think you’re probably smart to be job searching!

    6. CatCat*

      Woooooooowwwwww. This isn’t a mistake, it’s a deliberate scheming and dishonesty. Sarah is super incompetent to let this stand (Jen should be fired, imo!). Yeesh, it makes me wonder if Jen has some kind of dirt on Sarah.

    7. My+Useless+2+Cents*

      I don’t think you need to take it personally but definitely CYA with any dealings with Jen and Sarah. Sarah is downplaying this way to much, I agree. That amount of brazen-ness on Jen’s part is not a one-off but it is not something your going to have luck convincing Sarah of.

    8. Robin Ellacott*

      It’s very weird to me that Sarah isn’t upset abut someone pretending to be her (and making a decision she wouldn’t have made while doing so).

      If I were Sarah I’d be firing Jen, or at the very least telling her if she did it again I would fire her. The fact that she isn’t doing that makes me think you’re wise to get out. Something is really hinky here.

    9. Snarky McSnarkerson*

      Um, Admin with Access here. Unless specifically told by the executive that I should send the email “as her,” I always, always, always include “Snarky, EA to Executive.”

      As opposed to say, including her email signature. I agree that this cannot be the first time Jen has done this and I also question her professional judgment. She should have been fired.

      1. Mallory Janis Ian*

        Exactly. Anytime my boss ever wanted me to send something as them, as opposed to on behalf of, they were in charge of exactly what was to be said. I wasn’t on my own recognizance to just make something up.

    10. WellRed*

      I’d fire Jen but yes, you are taking this too personally. She’s Sarah’s admin, not your and it sounds like she does this stuff to everyone not at you alone.

      1. Honor Harrington*

        I’d also make sure the rest of your team knows what happened, as quietly as possible. That way they can all watch out for the same thing happening to them.

      2. tessa*

        …which means everyone who Jen is doing this to should take it personally, as it could potentially harm (as in follow) one or more of them on a job hunt, etc.

        Take it personally, OP, and flee ASAP.

    11. Casper Lives*

      It’s not a one time mistake. But Sarah doesn’t care. So Jen will probably get email access back in the future, you can’t trust emails from Sarah or Jen, and you should job search ASAP.

    12. EMP*

      what the f*, Jen is WAY out of line but Sarah’s response is what’s really throwing this into bananas territory for me. Maybe she cares more than she’s letting on but still wants you to drop this one thing, but this is a serious problem and I do not think you are wrong to think this is not OK! I don’t think you’re taking it too personally but if Sarah wants you to drop it I don’t think there’s much you can do besides keep up that job search and assume any communication from “Sarah” may not be legit.

    13. Fiona*

      Job search and from now on, don’t do any communication with Sarah by email. Everything in person or over the phone. This situation is truly bananas!!

    14. Moths*

      I don’t think you’re taking it too personally or that most people would assume it’s a one-time mistake rather than a serious error in judgement. However, if I were Sarah in this situation, I probably wouldn’t have wanted to continue the conversation with you beyond what you discussed at that point either. I might have responded a little differently, but at the end of the day, after it had been flagged for Sarah, it was now an issue between her and Jen and I think it’s fair for her not to want to go into major discussions with you about what this means for Jen and how/if she’s going to address it with her.

      If one of my employees brings to my attention a major issue, I usually ask a couple of clarifying questions and then thank them and let them know I’ll look into it further. Part of that is because I want to think a little more about what happened and how I’m going to address it. And part is because I don’t want to discuss employment or disciplinary information about an employee with another employee.

      I completely understand your being frustrated and upset — what Jen did was so far out of line that I do think it could be a fireable offence. But you brought it to Sarah’s attention and now it’s her job to decide what to do about it. Her response wasn’t great, but I would have been concerned if she had discussed much more with you. Generous reading: Sarah is addressing things behind the scenes and Jen is receiving some disciplinary actions you might not know about. Less generous reading: Sarah truly believes this doesn’t matter and trusts Jen despite this. Either way, I would keep up the job searching and make sure to CYA in any dealings with Jen from here out.

      1. CootersGarage*

        The part that got the “Don’t take this personally response” was when I pushed back about Sarah’s assertion that my staff (I’m a team lead) were wrong to think Jen was deleting emails. Sarah flat out said “No I think this was a one time mistake” so I pushed back once that I think if staff are complaining about emailed issues never being answered and Jen was willing to overstep this much then I think she probably has been deleting their emails and it’s not a one time thing”.

        Then Sarah said I was taking it too personally and that I needed to not talk to other staff about this. I admit I didn’t follow that last part, I thought it was important for staff to know that emails to Sarah aren’t necessarily safe so I did let a few Sr staff know on the downlow.

        1. Despachito*

          I do not know where it falls tactics-wise but from the personal POV I am glad you told them. It is fair for them to know their suspicions were well founded.

      2. miss chevious*

        Yeah, this is my perspective. If I were Sarah, I would not be at liberty to discuss what else might be happening with Jen (although I wouldn’t have thought OP was taking it personally). I hope that is the case here, and things with Jen will be addressed, but I don’t find Sarah’s disinclination to discuss it with OP especially surprising.

        1. CootersGarage*

          Would you have dismissed the concerns about deletions in order to not tip your hand? I’m not sure what other part would be declining to discuss Jens discipline tbh. Sarah was the one who told me she she was revoking Jens access, I didn’t ask Sarah just responded with that the second we found the error. I didn’t tell Sarah Jen should be fired or anything like that (that’s just the in my head thought of whoa I would have fired her).

          All I did was bring up the deletions when it was discovered Jen had impersonated Sarah, then pushed back once when Sarah dismissed those and asserted Jen probably only did this once.

        2. AcademiaNut*

          I can understand confidentiality during disciplinary processes, but it shouldn’t rise to the level of gaslighting the person who was wronged. Telling someone they’re taking it too personally and you’re sure it was a one time mistake and brushing off related concerns, when you’re dealing with what should be a locked out of the system and escorted out of the building firing, is the kind of thing that has employees losing trust in their employer, and looking for new work. And rightly so!

          For the OP, looking for new work is not an over reaction, and I’d maybe put some thought into finding a good reference who doesn’t have Jen controlling her inbox, and maybe discretely letting your team know they should talk to Sarah face to face for any significant communications.

    15. too many dogs*

      This goes beyond snooping and pretending to be Sarah. This is a question of integrity, & as a supervisor, I would wonder what other things Jen has been lying about.

    16. learnedthehardway*

      Your manager is an idiot if she thinks that Jen isn’t doing the same thing with other emails.

      This is NOT a mistake that Jen made. This is a deliberate decision. A mistake is accidentally erasing an email, NOT impersonating the manager and faking their approval for business decisions and then lying / altering emails to make it look like you never did what you did.

    17. Inigo Montoya.*

      ” Shortly after I got a curt email from Sarah stating that Jen has her utmost confidence and I should respect her judgement and trust when she says that I’m too busy to work on something.”
      Impersonating the manager in order to impose your will more easily in the future and covering it up without the manager’s knowledge would be an instant fireable offence in most companies. This was not an accidental thing that she thought Sarah would want it done this way. Sarah is being extremely Blase about it. At a very minimum a conversation would be needed that she had broken Sarah’s trust and if Sarah saw or heard about any similar behaviour in the future, it would be grounds for instant dismissal. You wouldn’t generally know if such a conversation occurred but Sarah’s dismissal of your concerns is bonkers.

    18. Irish Teacher*

      No, I definitely wouldn’t think it could possibly be a mistake. A mistake is saying “oh, Sarah told me she wanted X.” Still COULD be lying but I’d give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she misheard Sarah, but I cannot imagine how somebody can send an e-mail pretending to be somebody else and have it legitimately considered a mistake.

      I wonder is Sarah taking it as lightly as she appears to be. It is possible she is gathering evidence on Jen, but does not want to “gossip” about her with you.

    19. Qwerty*

      Wow

      Ok, so I probably would have responded the same way as you, but you probably overstepped with your last round of pushing back. It shifted the environment from “resolving an issue that directly affects you” to “being too involved in the discipline of a coworker”. And may have pushed your manager from planning to quietly investigate more to defending Jen.

      It is really odd that you have gotten multiple complaints that people thought Jen was deleting emails from Sarah’s inbox unless there was a known history of her doing that. So it probably sounded really strange to your boss and came across more of “If Jen did this once to me then she’s probably doing it to everyone” rather than “huh, here’s some info you might want to check on”. Managers aren’t a fan of when someone says “other people agree with me” – they want those people to come forward themselves.

      Managers shouldn’t discuss disciplinary steps with other people, so Sarah really couldn’t talk to you much about Jen. It’s also possible that she received those complaints from your teammates and chose not to respond. This place is weird, hopefully you find something soon.

      1. CootersGarage*

        I’m a team lead. Some people on my team have complained – the most diplomatic being from Sr staff who say things like “It’s so odd that Sarah quickly addresses all staffing issues, except when someone sends something about Jen it’s like it disappears”.

        I brought these concerns up to our former boss (Sarah started 6 months ago) and that boss said there is no way he would hire someone like that so it’s not happening (he got promoted to the C suite of course).

      1. Security Consultant Rin*

        This is a security nightmare. If you wanted to, might be worth reporting anonymously if your handbook has a whistleblower policy or other anonymous reporting option. Just saying…

    21. Dragon*

      @CootersGarage, did Jen come with Sarah to your company? If they worked together somewhere else, Sarah’s trust in her might be that much stronger. If Jen has become untrustworthy or was so all along, that’s a bitter pill for Sarah to swallow now.

      I agree that you should look for another job, in case nothing is done about this.

    22. Cacofonix*

      In person to Sarah: “Respectfully, this was a significant breach of ethics and it impacted me and my team perhaps more than you realize. It has also made me lose some confidence in the guidance and instructions we receive from you. While Jen is still on this team, we will be documenting your decisions in (file location) and verifying them with you in person.”

  5. boring fed*

    Does anyone have tips / strategies for getting people to complete training? I have a committee where I’m responsible for the associated training program, which is mandatory – but I don’t have great enforcement mechanisms since many members are not in our immediate chain of command (and most are senior to me). We can’t afford to kick people off as they are needed for operation of the committee which is very necessary.

    So far all we’ve come up with is 1) miscellaneous email reminders 2) having my grandboss (a director general) eventually email their bosses with a note saying they haven’t done it. Any additional ideas welcomed!

    1. happybat*

      The biggest challenge I see around training is people having time to do it, even when they want to. Is there any way you could make sure people get the time to do this training by taking something else off their plate, explicitly so they can do the training? This also creates a sense of obligation – we have done this for you, so please do this for us!

    3. DisneyChannelThis*

      First address consequences for not completing it, if it takes 4 hours out of my day making me 4 hrs behind on everything else, and nothing happens if I don’t do it? Yeah I can see people skipping it. If you really can’t implement consequences, look at maybe the opposite, can you schedule a half day for those who have the training done and once you get the completion certificate anyone else can leave. (That also frees up time for people to do it if its a barrier). Or a box lunch or a breakfast for those who completed it.

      Second address the barriers for why people aren’t doing it (Too long, too slow, needs long chunks of uninterupted time, outdated, boring, low priority compared to other tasks, etc). Ask the people. If training requires audio, cube farm super noisy, easy fix by adding captions and a transcription to it so you don’t have to be able to hear.

      1. Princess Xena*

        Our will let you expense a lunch if training is being done during the normal lunch period.

      2. Buffy will save us*

        Our training dept. will send out company-wide shame emails with either the dept.-wide stats for completion or list of names of people who still need to complete it and have in the email when the next training is.

    4. Ina+Lummick*

      I have a similar issue where I train people on using a software product at my org. I’ll often have a no call no show from people at a particular dept. (Including the reason “I didn’t look at my calendar sorry”.)

      This is something that I’d send an email directly to them checking in (Eg: I missed you at today’s session – everything ok/slammed in the lab?) . The next no call no show I’d inform my manager about it for them to liaise with the person’s manager. Although admittedly I’ve still not had much success even then…

    5. Time for cocoa*

      We do company-wide blackouts. Like, no meetings allowed from noon to 4:00 on the third Tuesday of the month, during which time everybody is required to be head-down on trainings. They don’t mess around because we have regulatory consequences for trainings not being 100% compliant. People who don’t complete them get written warnings from top brass, which can lead to termination.

      1. LadyByTheLake*

        I’m used to this kind of system — you don’t do the training, you may be fired. However, before it gets to that, you might get locked out of the system. In fact — I had a bit of an emergency this week because I had completed the training but that wasn’t captured properly and I was worried about getting locked out of the system.

    6. Irish Teacher.*

      In teaching in Ireland, there are what are called Croke Park hours (the name refers to a deal done between unions and the government during the recession that teacher’s pay would not be cut if they did X number of additional hours -meetings, training, etc) so the best way that principals can get us to complete training is “this training will take 1 and a half to two hours. I will put it done for 2 hours so that means we don’t have to stay late for a two hour meeting sometime after school.”

      I realise this is very specific to education in Ireland, but maybe you could come up with something similar. Some hours people get off as a result of doing it.

    7. Pay No Attention To The Man Behind The Curtain*

      Stick and Carrot. If you’re able, have some reward for completing the training early by X date (a nominal thing like pens, post-it notes, cookie), then have a window of no reward or penalty, and then after Y date there is a penalty — for my org the penalty fits the training; so blow off the annual online cyber security training and they suspend your email access until you do; blow off FERPA training (I’m at a university) and lose access to the student info database, etc. If these are very high-level folks that have fancy perks, you could try suspending those — lose their reserved parking space, put a hold on their discretionary budget, hold expense reimbursement… but those are pretty Nuclear Options…

    8. DistantAudacity*

      In my previous organisation – if you had not completed all mandatory training by the end of the fiscal year: no bonus for you!

      It was a key requirement for bonus eligibility, and it was Enforced. There were some instances were people who Thought Themselves Above This lost some significant bonuses ( and subsequently left the org), but that really really worked.

      This was for the quarterly 15-20 min stuff about basic IT-security, reporting of security issues, anti-money laundering reporting, etc.

      Very effective. Very large global consulting organisation.

      1. DistantAudacity*

        Oh – and they also worked to make them slightly less dreary; game-ified some, animated interactive stories etc.

    9. Sola Lingua Bona Lingua Mortua Est*

      Make the training relevant, engaging, and time-efficient?

      Those are usually the top 3 barriers to me completing training; it’s so far disconnected from my role that I cannot put anything into context, I can’t stay awake through it, or I can’t block off a week to sit through every droning frame.

    10. boring fed*

      Thanks for all the suggestions everyone! Unfortunately I have essentially zero authority to “give” (I am not in a position to take things off people’s plates, fed so no giving of Stuff or cash) and haven’t had any success persuading my boss that the trainings are too long (they are hosted externally so I can’t change the content within the courses), so I guess it’s one of those things where it just kind of sucks.

      1. Hen in a Windstorm*

        Could you try the “logical conclusion” conversation with your boss? Like, “well, if it’s not important enough to make people complete it, can we eliminate it?” Then assuming they say no, ask why not, and just keep drilling down to the logic of it. Either it’s important and necessary and should be treated that way, or it’s unimportant and unnecessary so we can eliminate it, great!

        Um, also, you’re responsible for it, but not able to make anyone do it? How does that work when performance reviews come around? I successfully got zero people to complete training, as planned! :-)

      2. Not A Manager*

        I’m stuck on “mandatory,” “we can’t kick them off the committee,” and “no negative incentives.” I don’t think all of these things can be true at the same time. If these people are allowed to stay on the committee, and suffer no consequences for failing to complete the training, maybe it just isn’t as mandatory as you think it is?

        What would be the actual consequences *to you* if these people don’t complete their training and they just stay on the committee? If your larger organization is going to suffer some regulatory consequences or some other penalty for non-compliance, is there a way to CYA from the fallout?

      3. JustaTech*

        Oh the external trainings on Federal stuff … I always tell myself that they could be worse (because they can).
        Is there a way to play the trainings at 1.25x or 1.5x so they at least don’t take so long, and if so, can you quietly suggest that to folks?
        For the trainings where the audio is just someone reading the text on the screen I plug in my headphones but don’t put them on because I can read significantly faster than the narrator talks, and the system lets you go on to the next slide before the narrator is done.

        For us there aren’t any carrots, only consequences (“this is required by law”, “your on-time completion is used to calculate bonus/rating”, “you mess this up enough and you’re fired after a zillion warnings”).

      4. Hydrangea*

        You say the training is mandatory, but who made it mandatory? I see that you are a fed–is there a compliance or legal issue if people don’t take the training? Are there larger consequences of having people untrained, things like losing funding or losing an accreditation? If so, try adding an appeal to the larger picture to your reminders:

        “Please take the training by X date. If we do not have 90% compliance on completing training by X, we lose our TPS budget.”

        Either way, I recommend being ok with people not taking the training. Continue as you are doing with reminders and notifying line management. If you are not already regularly reporting on the status of training completion, start doing that. Give X/y people trained and the names of people who aren’t trained yet. Maybe keep a matrix of how many times you have reminded people and when you notified their manager. If there are consequences, mention them: “We need 90% compliance by MM/DD or we lose our TPS funding. We are currently at 67% compliance.” And then … let it go. You have done your job. Let the next level up worry about increasing compliance.

        1. boring fed*

          To answer a few questions:

          No compliance consequences – the thing is that most people HAVE done them, so it’s not like the current model is a total failure.

          By “responsible” I mean that it’s my job to track who does the training, try to get them to get it done, and I also deliver another component of the program personally (that one has much better completion, which is flattering…). My boss is aware that this is an issue and I don’t think would hold it against me if we have issues getting 100% completion, as long as I’m making a best effort.

          The committee is for emergency management and we need the very specific skills of the individuals involved; they are hard to replace and it would cause way more trouble than it’s worth to kick people off, especially since a lot of the job-completion is because they’re very busy and in-demand for other things. We have good relationships with most of them and I do leverage those as much as I can. The mandatory requirement comes from well above me, so that’s just kind of what I’m working with.

          Also, it’s funny to see that everyone assumes they are videos! They’re actually online text-based courses. I don’t think that makes a big difference, it’s just interesting to see what people are used to.

          Anyways, I think we’ll just have to keep going with the “grandboss contacts their managers” as needed. I kind of thought that might be the case when I posted it, but you never know if there might be some glaringly obvious thing I hadn’t thought of! Really appreciate all the effort people have put into this though!

          1. Hydrangea*

            Yep, your best bet to just do as you are doing and let people be untrained. Now go enjoy the extra space in your head.

    11. MoMac*

      The agency for which I previously worked withheld raises for people who had not completed training. Reviews were in June for July 1st raises. In January, a list of required trainings was sent out from corporate, as well as the completion dates. As a director, I reminded my team in April and then spoke with them individually in May if trainings were still missing. If June 30th came and went with empty spaces for completion dates, there was no raise even if the person scored exceeding in all categories. None of my people ever missed out on raises. Our trainings were required due to state funding requirements.

    12. Sunnydale*

      I know I procrastinate online training when I have no idea how long it’s going to take—I feel like I have to block out lots of time and set aside other important tasks. Sometimes when I eventually settle in for an afternoon of training videos, I discover that the “course” is a single eight-minute-long video. Other times, I find that the course is broken up into smaller sections, and I could have just scheduled ten minutes a day to work on it until it was done.

      In your reminder emails, could you include any information that would make the training less intimidating? Since it’s external, committee members might not realize that it’s not very time-consuming or that their progress is saved unless that information is part of the email.

  6. Noelle*

    TL;DR: I do research in a scientific field in academia but am trying to transition into industry. Any advice from hiring managers would be very welcome!

    Hi everyone! I’ve been a huge fan of this site for at least 5 years now, though I’ve never commented or sent in a question. But I just realized that maybe people here would be willing to give advice about my current job search situation. I have a PhD in a soft science field (think sociology or psychology) and have been doing full-time academic research—NOT teaching—in my field for the past 4 years. By academia’s standards I’m doing great: I’ve published a lot of papers, I’m grant-funded, etc. However, I’m tired of academia and want out. I’ve been ramping up my job search in industry for the past couple of months, targeting jobs where the skills I’ve gained in my current role, like data analysis/interpretation, scientific writing, etc., could be really valuable. I’ve done the obvious things I need to do, like making a normal resume and getting feedback on it from as many people as possible, learning new relevant software, and spending a ton of time on LinkedIn networking. But it’s still a huge challenge, and I know I’m fighting against a lot of general biases about academia. I’d be really curious to know, from people in industry who may have hired (or considered hiring) science-y candidates from academia: What made those particular candidates seem hirable (or not)? How were they (or weren’t they) able to prove to you that they could transition to the faster pace of an industry job and make a meaningful contribution?

    1. happybat*

      Mewburn, I, Grant, W, Suominen, H et al 2016, ‘What do non academic employers want? A critical examination of ‘PhD shaped’ job advertisements for doctoral employability’, Society for Research into Higher Education (SRHE) Annual International Conference 2016, SRHE and Open University Press might be of interest?

    2. Juniper*

      It’s a leap on both ends, and I only have very specific, limited exposure to this, but I’m currently on a hiring committee to replace a science-based PhD in industry. We’re working on improving the job description, but I’d be OK with hiring someone from academia (our last person was, and was excellent but has moved on).

      What I would look for is the demonstrable ability to provide real-time troubleshooting and adjustments in a highly technical, complex process, the ability to translate recommendations from the theoretical to the very practical instructions for implementation, interaction with regulations/regulators, and ongoing continuing education in our particular field. Data analysis abilities are actually being called out specifically, so don’t short yourself on that. Communication skills are important both to staff and steering teams.

      I’d look at projects on their resume, and try to interpolate from that. The larger, more complex projects where they are managing other people would be indicative. Our industry isn’t entirely fast paced though; you’d want the flexibility to fix things right now and also a more strategic mind to support longer term goals.

    3. CharlieBrown*

      I work in a contract research organization, and while a lot of our bench workers have degrees in chemistry, we have at least one with a degree in psychology, and a sub-manager with a degree in geography. We mainly hire for your ability to be methodical and logical and to use sound scientific judgment. So yes, I think you could probably make the leap without too many issues.

    4. EMP*

      So I’m coming from a slightly different angle, hiring for software positions, but hopefully this is helpful for someone.

      When I interview a candidate with only academic experience, one concern is usually that they are not really an entry level worker, and yet they may be unfamiliar with some core parts of product focused software development that an entry level worker is expected to learn. So one thing I want to establish is if they are familiar with processes like code reviews, bug tracking, and QA, and assuming they aren’t, if they are at least familiar with the concepts and are willing to learn them. Examples of generic “quick at picking up new processes” things will help a candidate here but also just a good attitude. If your lab has published anything you maintain for other people, that is a great thing here.

      Secondly, I tend to be more concerned about fit with an academic candidate. If they are coming from a research background, do they want to continue doing research and does that align with the open position at our company? This is very much a fit thing on both sides so I think it’s up to the candidate to show that they are looking for this change.

      I’m sorry I can’t be more specific but I hope someone finds this helpful!

    5. Moths*

      I have a PhD in molecular biology and have been working in industry since shortly after finishing my degree. I’ve also hired several people from academia. One thing that always stands out to me is more attitude than skills. We can teach skills, but we can’t make someone function well in an environment that isn’t a good fit for them.

      I look for people who are confident, but who also have a measure of humility and seem like they’re going to collaborate well with other teams. Often in academia, the collaborations really are just working in parallel with other researchers (each carry out their own part of a project), where I want someone who can do back and forth, giving and taking. I also look for people who recognize that industry is different than academia and can adapt and move from project to project quickly. Specifically, that won’t get caught up trying to get all of the data before they make a decision. Obviously, if hiring someone at the PhD level from academia, I want them to care about the data and analysis, but it’s easy to feel like you need all of the data to make a perfect decision, but that’s going to hold our projects up. I need someone who is comfortable making a “good enough” decision and who can recognize when we have enough data to do that. Finally, I want them to be confident in themselves and their skills and knowledge, but they need to recognize that what they think is best may not be the decision that’s made. My team will make recommendations based on the best and strongest scientific rationale, but Marketing, Finance, and our Regulatory teams have equally valid positions. If someone can’t understand that and feels that the *only* thing that matters is the science, we’re going to struggle with them as well.

      In an example: One of my coworkers was hiring for a position and the interviewee was combative and argumentative in a way that is often encouraged in academia when we were discussing a project. She thought a different approach to the project would be better than the one the hiring manager was suggesting and was very blunt about it. In our post-interview debrief, I pointed out that this person was likely going to struggle in a non-academic environment and I had concerns. The hiring manager decided to hire her anyways and we ended up having to let her go about two years later after she had burnt bridges with literally every team in the company and had butted heads with her manager severely. Last I heard, she’s been through a few different companies and has finally ended up at one where she essentially works as a consultant on a team of one.

      In summary, usually I look for someone who expresses sentiments like, “There are things I love about academia and there are things I’ll miss, but I’ve recognized that the things I enjoy the most are a better fit with industry. Bench research is interesting, but I want to be doing something where I’m more directly having a positive impact on people’s lives right now. And I’m excited to be working with other teams and learning about the business side of things too. Obviously, I am a scientist and care the most about the science of a product, but I recognize that we can’t sell that product if it isn’t financially feasible or there isn’t a market for it. I think of it kind of like a puzzle, where all of the teams have pieces, but we don’t know what the finished image is. Working together, we can make something bigger and better than any of us could have imagined with just the pieces we had.”

      1. JustaTech*

        Yes on the “combative and argumentative in a way that is often encouraged in academia” – we recently turned down a candidate (for a position that really needs to get filled) because he managed to argue with every single interviewer, and was upfront that he had no intention of changing his approach. (Honestly, after the pay this is one of my favorite things about industry.)

        The other big thing I’ve noticed about folks who have just come from academia to industry is their writing style. Too Many Words. I know (and have written) in an academic style and in the industry style and the big difference is that industry gets to the point quickly. I recently had to re-read a report by a former coworker that was written at the same time as he was finishing his dissertation and it was at least 60% longer than necessary just because of the academic style. It was nearly unreadable. So for things like cover letters, be ready willing and able to take a chainsaw to your writing.

        (The thing that folks coming from academic generally get over more quickly, in the lab-based sciences is the painful thriftiness that comes from lack of funding. The joy on people’s faces when I tell them they can have as many gloves and tubes as they want, not just the absolute bare minimum, is delightful.)

      2. sweeps*

        My org recently hosted a webinar on this very subject and this is essentially what all the industry panel said. Genuine curiosity, collaboration, willingness to adjust measures of a successful project.

    7. Santiago*

      University Compliance loves social scientists. They are good at processing grants / sifting through information / writing. You may need to find a pivot into the field, but once you get a toe in your golden. If there’s a policy office that’s a good place to start.

      1. Santiago*

        Double comment – compliance is also interesting work, because in the right environment, you feel like you are facilitating work (to happen in a legal fashion) and you get to learn about other people’s fields.

        1. Firefighter (Metaphorical)*

          Ooh, if you see this, can you say more about university compliance? I am thinking of getting out of academia and what you say sounds like a good fit for me but I haven’t heard the term before (I’m in Australia)

          1. Santiago*

            Sure! So I’m U.S. based, so you will need to translate it into the Australian context. But, that said, in University compliance is effectively an in house lawyer to the University’s processes, whereas the University council manages legal advice to the University on issues. Sometimes compliance lives under a sponsored projects / research unit, and sometimes it doesn’t.

            Normally things like Conflict of Interest / Conflict of Commitment, University Policy, Export Controls, Central Compliance, Privacy, sometimes IRB related stuff, Environmental Health and Safety are the offices that compose a compliance program. They work with the contracts the University receives, to complete the necessary documentation to protect the University (and researchers) during audits.

            University Policy works to make the University more transparent, and help people not say conflicting information. Technical writing is the functional skill there. Exports manages the legal components of activities such as international travel, teleworking, shipping, visa sponsorship, and research to protect the institution, and researchers, during audits. In that field, being able to read research grants to identify scope of work is helpful. Also, being able to classify objects based off their characteristics is important for shipping. Environmental Health and Safety benefits from anyone with a science background, and it makes sure that labs have the appropriate credentials (and physical safety) so that University is able to receive the grants that are processed.

            One thing I’ve noticed as well, is that at least in my program, they do hire from within re: University Compliance. So if the “lower” positions constantly shadow the higher positions, and perform less complex compliance work, and over time they can move into the higher fields. It’s also common for people to take courses or work on degrees while working in compliance. (There are also a lot of people with JDs, unsurprisingly.) As someone in the field, sometimes it feels like I do a lot of paperwork, but my hours are set and I do feel like I am helping people. However, it does come down to the fact that I believe the people I work with care about doing the right thing, not just being “lawyers” to the University, and so we get really clever when it comes to helping people do things that are “hard” to do through the legal system.

            Feel free to ask any follow up questions if you see this! Oftentimes, the ethics branches of Compliance will hold events in Universities (in the name of encouraging transparency), so you should see if your University has one, and if it has any events where you can learn about the field / meet people.

            1. Firefighter (Metaphorical)*

              Thank you! I think those functions are split across different units here – that sounds like either our policy unit or our Business Information & Assurance division. But it sounds very much like something I’d like to get into – I have always described my ideal job as “bureaucrat for the revolution” and this would be very like that (doing the things that make it possible for the people on the “front line” to do their jobs!)

    8. Ruth*

      Federal government agencies contract out A LOT of social science research. Some of the big shops are RTI International and Abt Associates, but there’s a lot of others including smaller firms. Especially if your sociology training includes any policy work, this could be a good path for you.

  7. Johnny Karate*

    I am currently trying to find a job in a different state. I know (think) that it’s a good idea to give some explanation in your cover letter of why you’re relocating, so employers take you seriously. However, the reason that I need to move is that I have a trans child and my current state isn’t going down a great path in that area. I don’t want to out my kid and I think it’s probably TMI anyway for a cover letter, so does anybody have ideas of what I could say instead? My career path isn’t one people relocate across the country for, so it’s going to look strange without a good reason, but I can’t afford to move without a job lined up.

    1. Observer*

      What you have are long term family commitments. No one wants the details, but that says you are serious and not a flake.

      1. Constance Lloyd*

        This language was effective for me when I was moving across the country and not interested in sharing specific personal details with strangers. Most people don’t push, but on the one occasion an overly enthusiastic recruiter DID push (during a cold call, no less) I gave a dismissive, “Oh, I won’t bore you with the details, but I’m really looking forward to seeing [hilarious landmark] in person!” yuk yuk yuk, nobody pressed, interview moved on.

      2. Murfle*

        Yeah. Maybe something like “I’m moving to X to help support my family.” What kind of support, and which family members need it, can be left unsaid.

      3. Hillary*

        Yep. No need to go into details about what kind of family commitments. People will assume whatever reason is going on in their family – the need to take care of an aging parent, be closer to folks to help with childcare, whatever. It’s also a very good reason because it implies you’re in it for the long haul and you know what (living expenses, traffic, etc) look like.

    3. PivotPivot*

      Could you say that you are looking to relocate to a location that is more beneficial to your family? Or that you and your family is looking for a new start and think X location will give you the clean slate you are looking for.

      1. Frickityfrack*

        I would stay away from the new start/clean slate language – it kind of sounds like there’s something negative in the applicant’s personal life, and I would wonder if they were going to come with drama. Or like, legal issues. That’s not necessarily fair, but that’s often the context for that kind of phrasing.

    4. ChubbyBunny*

      I don’t think you need a reason, just “I’m planning to move to X city this winter.” Good luck!

      2. Irish Teacher*

        Yup, if I heard that, to the extent I thought about it at all (which I probably wouldn’t), I’d assume either “spouse got a job in this area and moving to be with them” or “elderly parents or other vulnerable relatives in the area who need support.” Both of which are benign, uncontroversial and understandable. It’s absolutely true but doesn’t SEEM vague.

    7. Foods for thoughts*

      Can you maybe refer to liking the ideological climate of the state you want to move to?

      1. Tina Belcher's Less Cool Sister*

        I would stay away from anything potentially political. You never know what the hiring manager thinks about the climate in that state vs. OP’s!

  8. Laughter Ban*

    I have a New Coworker who sits right next to me and is dealing with some mental health issues. One thing he is doing to address these is watching Tik Tok videos at work. I am not his supervisor (although I am senior and am training him) and have no reason to think he’s not getting his work done and his work is not impacting me in any way so I really don’t care if he’s doing that (and don’t think there’s a problem with it anyway); HOWEVER, he laughs out loud at least three times a day. It is very disruptive for me. He tries to stifle it which makes it even more disruptive to me. So, is there a way to ask him politely and kindly to not laugh so much or am I just being an old grump?

    1. Observer*

      I can’t imagine how you tell someone that they are not allowed to laugh without sounding very, very strange.

      1. Cyndi*

        Agreed, especially since he clearly already knows it’s an issue and is trying to control it. Sorry, Laughter Ban, this would drive me up the wall too.

    2. Everything Bagel*

      I don’t know how you can go about asking someone to not laugh at work without coming off as a grump. However, if this is something he’s doing because he’s wearing a headset and doesn’t realize his volume, you might be able to tell him, “Hey fellow coworker, I don’t know if you realize this but it is a bit jarring when it’s been very quiet for a while and you suddenly start laughing loudly and unexpectedly! Would you mind trying to dial that back a bit?” Saying this with a smile will probably go a long way.

      1. Everything Bagel*

        Wow, I totally missed the part where your co-worker is already trying to stifle his laugh. But still, maybe you actually saying something to him about it will get him to be more mindful of it.

        1. Laughter Ban*

          Thanks for the suggestion. We are friendly so I might be able to pull it off. The stifling actually makes it more jarring for me for some reason. Like how whispering can be more distracting than someone just having a conversation at a normal volume. It really wouldn’t bother me if he guffawed a couple of times a day but this noise really startles me.

          1. Lady_Lessa*

            Since it is the stifling that seems worse than the actual laughter, just mention it to him.

            I know that I tend to sneeze very loudly, and my stifling does make weird noises.

    3. WellRed*

      Would you find it disruptive if he was laughing for reasons other than TikTok? Maybe ignoring the TikTok aspect will help.

      1. Laughter Ban*

        I appreciate the thought and it probably doesn’t help that I know that but it was bothering me before. It’s just very jarring me and I will be physically startled when it happens. Maybe that’s just my own issue I need to address.

        1. Hydrangea*

          I have a strong startle reaction, so I have some sympathy for you. Laughing 3x a day isn’t very much, but being startled 3x a day is a lot. Actually, being startled once a day every day is a lot.

          I would kindly bring it up in a it’s-not-you-it’s-me sort of way. Say something like, “Fergus, I know how weird this is, but something about the way you laugh really triggers my startle reflex. I’m sorry to ask bc you aren’t doing anything wrong, but is there anyway you could be a little quieter?”

          1. Firefighter (Metaphorical)*

            I love this framing – it’s not the laughing but the startle trigger that’s the problem

    4. Me ... Just Me*

      Three times a day isn’t a huge amount. I laugh out loud far more than that over the course of my day, usually when interacting with colleagues, but sometimes just while doing my job. I’ve got my own office, though. And maybe because I am a bit of a LOL kind of person, but I wouldn’t have any problems with my coworkers laughing.

      1. CharlieBrown*

        I thought that too. We used to laugh all the time at my old job.

        That said, it’s different when you’re laughing together, and it’s just one person across the room laughing loudly when you least expect it. It could be disruptive, especially if they laugh like Jerry Lewis.

      2. MigraineMonth*

        I laugh out loud every time I receive an email about one particularly FUBAR project, because if I didn’t laugh I’d cry. Fortunately for my coworkers, I’m remote.

    6. chalk*

      Yeah, you can’t bring this up. I guess you could, in a friendly tone, ask “what’s so funny?” when it happens to make him realize you’re noticing it. But anything else, or bringing in any tone other than laughing along with him, will be seen as pretty weird, and making you a bigger problem than him.

    7. Maggie*

      Laughing 3x a day is very reasonable. That’s less than once every 2 hours. I’d kindly suggest earplugs, headphones, white noise app etc.

    8. Snoozing not schmoozing*

      Laughing three times a day is hardly laughing at all. Laughing three times an hour would barely ping my annoyance radar. Get earplugs.

    9. Jovial Juno*

      Sometimes there is a way to ask an unreasonable question in a way that makes it sound reasonable! I don’t think this is one of those times, though.

      Laughing out loud three times a day is an extremely normal thing to do in a public setting. Your reaction to this needs recalibrating. Maybe you could look into some emotional self management techniques?

    10. I'm just here for the cats!*

      I think you need to let this go, and find a way to not let the noise bother you (headphones, white noise machine, ) It doesn’t sound like it’s continual, just a few laughs. I wonder if the reason this bothers you is because it is a TikTok. If he was on a phone call and laughed because the other person said something really funny would that bother you?

  9. Cyndi*

    Hey, I’m new here but I’ve been reading back a lot, and I really appreciate the comment section being willing to bluntly dissect social skills issues. So here’s a social question: do people have any advice for making small talk about an extremely boring job?

    My job is mainly key-what-you-see numeric data entry and generating a string of daily reports about how much data entry we’ve done, with the occasional exciting foray into a report about whether the daily reports were on time. I’m happy with this—I’m a total work-to-live type and prefer having a job where I can turn off my brain and listen to a podcast or book. During normal small talk with someone new I’ll just go “oh haha my job is so boring, you don’t want to hear about that, trust me,” get a sympathetic laugh most times, and redirect to something more interesting.

    But I’ve been going to speed dating recently, and I can mostly roll with having the same conversation over and over, but something about droning “I do data entry for a business services company, how about you?” a few dozen times in a night really gets me down. I’m giving myself a Manchurian Candidate vibe in a way other bits of my speed-dating script don’t, and it’s certainly not charming or fun in the way you’d hope to be at a dating event! Can anyone suggest a better line?

    1. Alton Brown's Evil Twin*

      Maybe watch some old episodes of Friends and take a cue from Chandler? He had a boring data-processing-ish job that the writers very cleverly never really explained. A dollop of humor about your job is something that’s completely normal for speed dating.

    2. Generic Name*

      I think you could say a version of what you said here. Something along the lines of “I’m more of a work to live person and my day job is data entry, which leaves me loads of time and energy to focus on X hobby/traveling/whatever”. The point of that type of small talk is sharing small, surficial details about yourself so the other person can get a sense of who you are.

      1. Actuarial Octagon*

        I agree with this. People ask this question because they want to know more about you so tell them you’re a work-to-live type and the folks that are a good match for you will get it.

      2. ursula*

        Agreed – I think saying what you like about it is (a) a full explanation and (b) actually tells the person something engaging about you! I’m a very careery person but if you told me, “I like it because it gives me good work-life balance, it doesn’t follow me home at the end of the day, and I get to listen to music or podcasts during the day,” I would think you were an interesting person who had your priorities straight and knew yourself well.

      3. MigraineMonth*

        The thing about small talk is that what the subject is doesn’t really matter; most people will accept (or even appreciate!) a redirect into a more interesting subject. If you have a handful of interesting subjects (hobby you’re passionate about, pets, etc), work definitely doesn’t need to be one of them.

        Or redirect to the other person and ask them what they’re passionate about; in my experience, most people find themselves to be a fascinating subject.

    3. Ranon*

      Something like “I do data entry and then generate data about that data, my job is just data all the way down, doesn’t make for good stories but gives me time for (hobby)- what about yours?” Own the boredom with a slight self deprecating manner, throw in something that is interesting, and move on?

      1. Annony*

        I like this. You can also focus on the fact that you can listen to podcasts and audiobooks. “I do data entry. The best part is that I can listen to podcasts while I work. Today I started (insert podcast here).” It redirects the conversation to something you actually like.

      2. IT Manager*

        Data all the way down.

        *snorts with laughter*

        Great answer, great advice. May swap “meetings” for “data” and steal this :-)

    4. seahorsesarecute*

      You could just say you’re a work to live type of person, so the data entry job is boring, but you can do it while listening to books and I just finished this great book about…. and talk about the book. The last part of that answer will always be different based on what the latest book or podcast is.

    5. Amber Rose*

      Sympathy. I tell people I work in occupational health and safety and their eyes glaze over.

      I try to do the vague and switch: “Oh, just your average desk job. It pays for my sword collecting hobby.”

    6. Parcae*

      How about “I do data entry for a business services company. It’s perfect for me because I can turn off my brain and basically get paid to listen to podcasts all day.”

      I have two basic rules for surviving small talk about things you don’t want to talk about: first, you have to give people *something*. If you’re evasive or curt, people get uncomfortable and might press. Second, whatever color you decide to add, give it a positive spin. “Ugh, my job is so boring” risks making people feel sorry for you, and then you have to field their sympathy about the thing when you really, really just want to move on.

    7. Volunteer Enforcer*

      I would say “I do numeric data entry as I’m a work to live person. I don’t want to bore you so moving on…”

    8. Miette*

      Is it possible to focus on the industry rather than the job itself? “Oh, I work in business services for Fortune 500 companies–boring stuff–how about you?”

      Alternatively: if you’re an aspiring artist of some kind, you could provide that detail “I’m an aspiring novelist, but my day job is data entry at Boredom Incorporated.”

    9. Jujyfruits*

      I agree with Generic Name. You could also mention a podcast or music you’ve recently listened to and then ask for a recommendation.

    10. ecnaseener*

      You have a couple good options just from what you wrote here! There’s the cheerful “data entry – it’s actually great, I get paid to poke at a keyboard while I listen to podcasts” and the joke about “mostly data entry, with the occasional exciting foray into data checking!”

    11. WantonSeedStitch*

      I would probably say something like, “Oh, my job isn’t particularly interesting–just data entry stuff. I do it for the paycheck, not the excitement! But it pays for my travel hobby: I just took the greatest road trip…” So basically explain that your job is kind of boring, but show that YOU aren’t, by describing something fun that you’re into. You can always give the other person the option to talk about THEIR work if it’s a big part of their life–or the opportunity to avoid talking about it if they’re in a similar position to you–by then saying something like, “so what do YOU do for work and fun?”

    12. RagingADHD*

      What you need is a conversational springboard. Asking about your job isn’t really about the job, it’s a proxy for finding out things about your lifestyle, temperament, and interests.

      So you want to give a perfunctory answer to the question and immediately segue into something interesting about your lifestyle, temperament or interests. Business services encompasses a lot of things. If it’s a huge company with a recognizable name, I’d mention it, or you could say you work for a company that does (one example of the services). Then pivot to the “live” portion of work-to-live.

      “Oh, I’m a cog in the wheel at NameCorp, but what I love about that situation is that it gives me plenty of opportunities to take time off and travel” or “supports me while I work on my novel” or whatever you want to talk about.

    13. MuttIsMyCopilot*

      Can you use your reply to segue into hobby talk? Something like “I’m in data entry, which is exactly as boring as it sounds but covers my [triathlon fees/wig weaving supplies/high-end saffron habit]!”

    14. hot buttered anon*

      ‘Data! Data! Data! I cannot make bricks without clay’ (Sherlock Holmes, The Adventure of the Copper Beeches, 1892)

    15. Hen in a Windstorm*

      Does your company do anything interesting or publicly visible? This was always my technique at my boring data analyst job in a larger, more interesting company. I would say, “Oh, my job is boring analyst stuff, but I work for Company. They do this interesting thing you’ve probably heard of.”

    16. Joielle*

      I’d just go with “I do data entry for a business services company, I mostly enter data into a software program and then generate reports about it. It’s kind of boring but it pays the bills! How about you?”

      I think in speed dating, the most important thing is to quickly let people know that you HAVE a steady job with decent pay, and you have a relatively good attitude about it. Nobody wants to date someone who’s just going to complain about their dead-end job all the time (not saying you would do that!)

  10. Amber Rose*

    October is a write off. I know nobody is doing it on purpose, but all I asked for was two weeks clear (or as clear as possible) to finish my audit so I don’t have to spend my weekends doing it again, and that entire two week period is flush with meetings, orientations and other such stuff that can’t be put off.

    I technically have 25 days to finish but as we expand rapidly in size, so does the extent of my audit. I’ll be lucky to get the data gathering done in my usual one week.

    I’m so busy this month I feel like crying. I dunno how people survive industries with regular crunch times.

    1. Not my usual name*

      What would happen if you declined the meetings, orientations and such?

      I’m in a similar position at the moment, and anything that is not *priority task* is getting a no, and if I get pushback, my manager intervenes.

      There are literally two small things I’m doing next week which aren’t priority task, although they are part of my wider role. And I’m only doing those to meet press deadlines.

      1. Amber Rose*

        Nobody else knows how to do orientations or has any interest in learning, and the company policy I wrote to comply with our certification standards is that they have to be done on an employee’s first day. A bunch of the meetings are also mine. I run them. I don’t schedule them, necessarily, but I’m controller.

        Some of the other meetings I can maybe just tune in on Teams and work through them, but… I don’t know. I’m support for this huge software rollout. Design, permissions, security, flow. All of it needs my input.

        Which is why the core problem here is really that I have three disparate jobs and they don’t mesh well together sometimes.

        1. I'm just here for the cats!*

          Could you go to your boss and explain I cannot do X amount of orientations AND Y amount of work to finish the audit? I either need more time for the audit (if that’s something that can be done), have someone help take over my part of the audit, or I need someone else to learn how to do these orientations so they do not all fall on me.

          It might be a good idea to also explain that if you were to suddenly get Ill or in the hospital there would be no one left to cover the orientations and that the company would not meet certification standards.

    2. NotRealAnonforThis*

      Regular crunch times are survivable ONLY if they ebb and flow. For every crunch time, there’s an off week where sometimes we don’t do much beyond “hey, there’s this webinar…” or “you know, maybe we could improve (software we use daily) like this….”.

      Hugs. I understand and have thrown down the “Nope. Cannot do.” already today via three declined meetings with a “Nope, impending deadline, unable to accommodate until XYZ.” in the reply.

        1. An Australian In London (currently in Australia)*

          I cannot help you with this problem because I also routinely have people scheduling meetings over my meetings and blocked-out time. I’m at my wits end for how to deal with people doing it.

          Any suggestions from others?

          1. An Australian In London (currently in Australia)*

            Following myself up:

            I did read recently that Meta (Facebook) now tracks focus time for their software engineers: average duration uninterrupted by meetings per day and per week. Engineering Managers are measured partially on this.

            What a great idea!

    4. Educator*

      I am in an industry with big crunch times and I hate that overwhelm feeling! Two things help me:

      First, with my supervisor’s blessing, I delegate and collaborate a lot! If I need to be focused on a particular task, then someone else who is in a slower period or who reports to me needs to go to the meetings and send me a summary, do other tasks that cannot be put off, etc. My motto becomes–I am going to start with the thing that only I can do.

      Second, I make sure some time is uninterrupted. I block off work time for crunch tasks on my calendar. When I can physically go somewhere other than my desk, like a spare conference room or home, I do.

  11. ThatGirl*

    In the continuing saga of “my company merged with/was taken over by a slightly larger company and is now public” … we all got word Tuesday that we’re expected back in the office 4 days a week (Mon-Thurs) with Friday as a WFH day “with manager approval.”

    Which is BS, honestly; we’re always going to have remote options for meetings because we’re split across multiple offices and cities. And they claim their “flexibility” is not going away, but the line was something like “so if you leave early, you can take work home with you!”

    I suspect this is going to drive a lot of people from my office/business unit out and it’s just… very frustrating.

      1. ThatGirl*

        That does apply to the corporate HQ as well, but yes, I agree – they don’t seem to care about employee retention.

        1. Honor Harrington*

          I think many of the Powers That Be are convinced what is happening now is a fluke. Remote work? Attrition? Lack of applicants? Insufficient employees? All a fluke. It will go back to “normal” as soon as the recession hits.

          1. ThatGirl*

            Yeah, instead of seeing it as a real shift in work.

            I also get the idea that our new leadership is very “butts in seats” which is yet another thing about the shifting corporate culture that I dislike. The whole email was rather condescending.

          2. JustaTech*

            Yup. Sadly it’s a thing in lots of industries and companies large and small. (And it’s nonsense.)

            I wish I could point out to my VP that every single time there’s a change in leadership or anything goes wrong/is weird his first response is to eliminate WFH and demand everyone be on-site every day (again). I’ve been here long enough to see this pattern maybe 4-5 times.

            And the joke’s on him because even if we were all on site (even the people who have been primarily WFH for years and years) only 11 of the 18 cubes and 5 of the 8 offices would have people in them due to the attrition he insists isn’t happening. Oh, and 3 of those people work a time-shifted schedule and so are in at 7 and leave by 3. (And that assumes that we’re all at our desks and not in in-person meetings or in the lab, two other things he insists he wants.)

    2. Dragon*

      Yes. Maybe they want the people who are willing to leave over WFH, to self-select out of the company.

  12. callmeheavenly*

    Is it reasonable to request that a new employee not play radio on speaker in an open office area. I think she has some anxiety issues so hate to deny any potential coping mechanism, but if I have to listen to Country’s Greatest Hits every day for the rest of ever, I’m going to put my face through the wall. Unfortunately the position is such that ear buds would be problematic too.

    1. Observer*

      I think it’s reasonable. Can neither you or your coworker use earbuds or headphones?

      This is one of the reasons I hate open offices so much.

    2. WellRed*

      I think it’s unreasonable of anyone to think it’s ok to play music in an office without headphones. I’m always surprised when it happens and have no qualms about asking them to use headphones or turn it down.

          1. NotARacoonKeeper*

            seconding – I love mine so much! I bought them for safer running, but I also bike commute and even occasionally drive with them. they’d be great for this!

              1. NotARaccoonKeeper*

                Wow, I’ve never heard of that happening! Do you think it’s from pressure, or the bone conduction, or something else? I’ve gotten very mild headaches from the pressure of my Aftershokx after a few hours, but no worse than headbands, or french braids, or tight sunglasses, or any of the other things that dare to touch my delicate head.

    3. londonedit*

      Totally reasonable – I’ve never worked anywhere where it would be allowed! When I worked for a really small company we’d occasionally put the radio or a playlist on when the bosses weren’t in, but that’s because everyone was in agreement about it, and we’d switch it off as soon as someone got a phone call or someone said they needed to put their head down and concentrate.

      1. EvilQueenRegina*

        Was that in an office that wasn’t open to the public? I know that when the issue came up in my old job (same country) someone didn’t like the radio, did some research and found out that if the office was open to the public, as that one was, it needed a licence to have it playing. Once our manager was aware of this, goodbye radio.

        1. londonedit*

          No, it wasn’t open to the public. But you’re right, there could still be PRS issues in a lot of situations!

      2. JustaTech*

        The only places I’ve worked (aside from doing my time in holiday retail) where people played music out loud was in labs where we couldn’t wear headphones (for sterility reasons).
        That was an exercise in compromise finding, since in one lab we were trapped for 4-6 hours at a go, so you had to find the least-annoying-to-everyone radio station.

        In another lab folks played music out loud 1) so they wouldn’t be oblivious to other people in the space and 2) so their headphone cables wouldn’t catch on everything. The person who was in the lab the most played music off her phone and it was a lot of the same. One day I was in and playing my music so I asked my coworker if he was OK with music that had swearing in Spanish. “If it’s not Adele, I don’t care.” (The other playlist was all Adele and Amy Winehouse, and any music gets annoying after a few months.)

        I did have to tell another coworker that he couldn’t listen to business radio while I was training him (or ever, I made the ‘not ever’ pretty obvious).

    4. Toodie*

      Typically I use the big over-the-ear headphones, and while that might not work directly … could you ask her to play her music through headphones, which she wears dangling around her neck? There are times when I have to be listening to both in-person things and what’s on my headphones, and that works for me.

    5. Be Gneiss*

      If ear buds are a problem but listening to music is not, could the coworker wear open-ear bone conduction headphones? I like them in the office because I can hear what’s going on around me, but they are also great for things like running or walking outdoors, where not being able to hear your surroundings is a safety issue.
      The sound quality is at least decent for the wearer, and doesn’t “leak out” for others to hear.

    6. No Tribble At All*

      There are bone conducting headphones that don’t block your ears but still allow you to listen to music without disturbing anyone!

    7. Random Bystander*

      It is completely reasonable. I don’t know if “one bud in, one bud out” would work–that’s what I used to do in-office while listening to my podcasts/music, but also needing to make outgoing calls (I’d pause whatever I was listening to when the live person came on the line, but not for hold music). So I’d be listening to my stuff when working unless a situation came up where I needed to talk to someone (on the phone or face to face–I’m make a big point of turning off/pausing the device for a face-to-face, even drop the ‘in bud’) by having one ear free I was clearly paying some attention to what was going on around me.

    8. Well That's Fantastic*

      100% reasonable of an ask. Would a single earbud still be problematic? That’s the standard fix in my open-office layout so that people can hear the phone/other people as needed but still be able to listen to music while working.

    10. Mr. Shark*

      It’s absolutely unreasonable. It is a distraction to others in the office. Sometimes even music I normally enjoy is a distraction for me when I’m working. I had an officemate playing his radio at a very low volume, but that was even worse, because I could hear it, but couldn’t hear it. Either way, I just asked him to not play it, and he complied.

      Headphones are the way to go if they want to listen to music. I guess there are different situations that if everyone agrees to the music, that would be fine, and at a reasonable level so people can still get work done (I’m thinking in an auto shop, or doing something more manual labor I would be fine with music. But more technical jobs/mental jobs, it is a distraction).

    11. MigraineMonth*

      I think that you should talk to her and try to find something that works for both of you. Maybe that means playing it really quietly while you play some white noise, or bone-conduction headphones, or only listening on breaks when she can wear headphones/earbuds, or switching the type of music if that’s the core issue. You don’t need to figure out what her needs are in advance; just approach the issue with an open attitude of collaboration.

  13. Mid-career questions*

    How do you decide whether to pursue other opportunities if you haven’t been in your job long, or haven’t made enough impact yet? I’ve only been in mine a year and a half, and feel like I could build a lot, but most of our projects take 2-4 years to see through, and I feel like I’m still in the early stages of building a network of partners. So in theory, I’d like to stay put for at least another year or two. But a couple of interesting higher-level vacancies opened up in my large organization. I would like to make more money and advance in the longer term, which I can’t do without seeking other jobs, and you never know if/when there will be more opportunities. So how do you decide when to search and when to stay put?

    1. WellRed*

      I don’t see the upside in staying in your current role if you can advance at the company without doing so.

      1. Mid-career questions*

        Feeling like you’re making a difference where you are, mainly. I worry a little about “job-hopping” too much within an organization where people know each other and reputations matter, but I think generally people understand moving for promotions.

        I think moving could also involve a hit to work-life balance (negotiated a pretty fantastic flex schedule during covid that might not be possible in a new position). But it still wouldn’t require tons of overtime.

        1. The Real Fran Fine*

          Job hopping doesn’t apply when you’re making internal moves that show a clear progression. I’ve done this many times at many companies, and I’ve not encountered reputational damage. If you’re interested in the job, follow your company’s internal protocols for transfers, and go for it.

    2. Volunteer Enforcer*

      If it would reflect badly on you to leave the program before that 2-4 years timeline, ask you boss about how to get promoted in future if you are overall happy with your job. If you have a good relationship with boss, also ask about applying for one of those promotions – if they consider you a viable candidate.

      1. Mid-career questions*

        The promotions are in our organization, but not in our office (and in a couple cases not even in our state), so my boss has nothing to do with hiring for them. Knowing how promotions in our organization work, it’s pretty clear (and he has said) that my only path “upward” within our office is if he or one of his peers leaves and I successfully compete for their job. Neither of those is a given, unfortunately. So it’s “apply now” or “hope more good stuff comes up in a few years.”

        1. Alternative Person*

          I think applying to one or two now would be a good idea. If you have to wait for your boss or one of his peers to leave to get a promotion at your local branch, you could be waiting a long while and you might end up having to look elsewhere anyways.

          Applying and interviewing at least gives you a chance to move up and even if you don’t get it, you can get an idea of what moving up in the organization will look like. Sometimes even just getting a little face time with some higher ups can be a long term positive.

    3. WheresMyPen*

      I had this situation. I started at my current company three years ago as an assistant, and after 6 months someone left who was doing a higher-up job that I wanted, but didn’t feel I’d get as I was so new. My manager subtly suggested I applied and I got the job. There’s nothing wrong with going for jobs, even if it’s just for the experience of interviewing or to see if you could be successful. If they don’t feel you’re ready yet, they won’t hire you. If they do, then no problem. I wouldn’t be doing it every six months, but worth having a go now if you think you could progress already. But otherwise, give it another year or two and then go for something higher up, safe in the knowledge that you’ve got a solid basis of skills and experience.

  14. my cat is prettier than me*

    Quick question about being exempt: What happens if I run out of sick time/PTO and need to take a day off? I’ve heard that if you work at all during a week they have to pay you your full salary, but that sounds too good to be true. Can someone explain this to me? Thanks!

    1. Eldritch Office Worker*

      It depends on your state laws and your company policies. The most common scenario is that they dock your future PTO.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        yep – my org allows salaried folk to go into the red up to 40 hours of PTO before it becomes a disciplinary action. I have no idea what they do if you go 40 hours in the red and still can’t come to work.

    2. Sotired*

      I never heard of that. I have heard if you are on salary, they cannot dock you for leaving early one day. But they can not pay you for not showing up for the entire day.

      1. Hlao-roo*

        Yes, Alison has a “what the hell is all this talk of exempt and non-exempt about?” (I will link in a follow-up comment) and that post says for exempt workers:

        There are some exceptions to this though; they can deduct for full-day absences when you’re out for personal reasons or sickness if they have paid sick leave and you’ve used it up. They cannot deduct for partial-day absences unless it’s your first week of work or your last week of work.

        2. Me ... Just Me*

          I’ll also note that if you exceed the allotted days at any place I’ve worked, you run afoul of attendance policies and could be subject to disciplinary action.

          1. Mr. Shark*

            Yes, that definitely is the case. When I was much younger and not very responsible, I ended up having too many “sick” days after particularly fun nights out, and it caused a lot of problems because it became a disciplinary issue for me. Normally companies are pretty understandable if something comes up causing an extra day or few days due to unforeseen circumstances, but repeated offenses could end up getting you fired.

    4. Disco Janet*

      At my work you would be docked pay for that day if you have no remaining sick days or PTO. I’m a salaried employee who technically works for the state (public school teacher).

    5. Anon for This*

      If it is a just a day, ask if they can flex the time. You are sick but out of PTO, so when you return you will work an extra hour on or two on [x days] that work for you. Or will volunteer for that Saturday project to make it up.

  15. L-squared*

    I sent this to Alison a while back, and I’m guessing at this point its not asking, so will post here.

    If you have been at a company that scaled back benefits, how have they done it? Like what is the least bad way lol.

    I feel as though recently, my company handled it horribly.

    For context, my company is still fairly small (less than 100 people). However, we aren’t struggling financially. Due to the nature of our business, the pandemic didn’t hurt us at all, and in a lot of ways we did better in subsequent years. We are still hiring a lot of new employees (many people would argue too many if I’m being honest). No layoffs or anything have happened. So, in general, while I don’t know all of the specifics, I don’t think we are struggling.

    I think its also important to note that the company started during a tech boom. So the pressure to have great benefits was probably a big deal to attract talent, and honestly was a big perk for me taking the job.

    Recently in a staff meeting, they announced a lot of changes. Essentially, a lot of items listed in our benefits package we were getting were being cut. The biggest example was a CUT to parental leave, which also included separating out leave for “birth parents” vs. non birthing parents. These days, I don’t see how they think that is a good idea at all, since it seems most companies are expanding leave policies. But a few other things as well, such as perks we got after different milestones. One of those things was cut altogether (think a cash bonus) after X number of years, and another, a paid sabbatical after Y number of years had the time cut in half.

    Early 2020 is when they started hiring at a much more rapid pace than before, and its clear that now a lot of those people are coming up on these milestones in the next year or 2, so they decided to cut the benefits. It almost seems like they created the benefits package and didn’t think about the future costs, and now that the bill is coming due, they are saying “just kidding”. And it just left a really bad taste in people’s mouth. They gave, what seemed to be, arbitrary cutoff dates for who was grandfathered into things and who was just losing it altogether. People just see it as really shady to promise certain things at hiring, then take them away as people are getting closer to using them.

    It seems to me that a better way would have been to say “this is the policy for any new hires after today, but everyone already here keeps what they were promised”, but I’m not sure. I’ve never had a situation like this, so I don’t know if this way is “normal”, or if its as bad as it seems to most of the employees.

    Thoughts?

    1. Generic Name*

      Frankly, these days, ANY cut to benefits is bad, no matter how they are framed. I agree that grandfathering people for the bonuses would be preferable to how they are currently handling it. It is shady to make promises during hiring and then claw them back later. It’s also short-sighted and shows a lack of foresight and planning. And it’s just a tad dishonest. As in they were willing to make big promises to get someone hired but then go back on that promise. Did they make the promise but never intended to follow through? If that’s the case, they’re basically lying to candidates. I’m guessing that’s not the case, but it does make one wonder.

    2. NotRealAnonforThis*

      One of the MANY (and there were many) reasons why I left OldJob was the institution of a change in PTO from “Vacation + Sick” to a single bucket PTO (and we all LOST a day FFS), as well as how the PTO accrued. The accrual didn’t impact me negatively, but I had five coworkers who were at the brink of the next tier of accrual wind up having it pushed back by three (!) years. Understandably, to a one, those coworkers left for other employers within a year’s time.

      I’ve had pay cut, I’ve had my healthcare costs jacked up, I’ve had my healthcare benefits cut, I’ve had all myriad ways of benefit cuts at previous small jobs prior to OldJob. They were never handled well. (Don’t announce the 10% gross pay cuts the DAY after the owner is showing off his brand new model year Cadillac Escalade. Don’t announce 5% austerity pay cuts and as the owner leave your personal W2 on the copy machine showing that you have over a million in income. As an owner, don’t cut our healthcare to the bone while announcing you’re having cosmetic surgery because you’re on your spouse’s insurance. )

    3. Snow Globe*

      There are two times I’ve seen something like this. First, back in the 90’s a lot of companies that previously offered pensions began eliminating that, often grandfathering in people who had a certain # years with the company. The company I worked for did increase their 401(k) match to (sort of) offset some of it.

      The other time I saw something like this, soon afterwards there was an announcement that the company was being acquired. Does this seem likely?

      The way they are doing it does seem problematic – if there are promises such as bonuses after X years that were made when people started, I’m not sure of the legality of just eliminating that.

      1. L-squared*

        The problem is they weren’t exactly cash bonuses. It was like if they offered an Amazon credit of $200 (that isn’t it, but its something like that).

        As for the company being acquired, I have no idea. Anything is possible I guess. Though with the amount of hiring they are doing, I’d think that is less likely though.

    4. Pay No Attention To The Man Behind The Curtain*

      I’ve never been in a place that had two sets of benefits; what a nightmare to administer and also a terrible morale killer that will severely undercut their ability to hire. But as for cutting benefits, usually I’ve seen it announced at the open enrollment time and taking affect on the date that a new benefits year starts — that could be a calendar year or fiscal year — so picking an arbitrary date is also odd.

    5. BookMom*

      I once found out the number of days of annual vacation time for employees in my tenure tier was being reduced when I was asked to proofread the memo that was going out to staff about it. I negotiated some “bonus/appreciation” PTO that actually got me back up to my original amount for that year, but I felt unappreciated and somewhat deceived, and left before I reached the next accrual tier. (That wasn’t the only factor, but it was a big one.) Our president seemed genuinely surprised I was upset.

      1. L-squared*

        Ha. I discussed this with one of the hhigher ups, and they too seemed surprised that I was upset.

        1. linger*

          I wonder if the cut-off date was set precisely so that no higher-ups were affected by the changes: none of them are upset, so why should anyone else be? /s

    6. Foley*

      I worked at one org that did this. So (exempt) people hired after – say 1/1/2010 – worked 8 hours instead of seven, accrued vacation at a different rate, and had a different 401k match. What happened is that new people had high turnover because the pay rate was the same (such that new people essentially earned less, had less vacation, and those who had those benefits lorded over the new people as if being hired later was a fault). But there wasn’t a retroactive removal of anything…. I think they’d have alienated the older workers – not to leave – but to work a lot less – like quiet quitting.

      1. Alternative Person*

        My company has done something similar (different country, different benefit rules), with some similar reactions from the staff. I wouldn’t call it quiet quitting though, more of a work to rule. Some corners of management just don’t understand why everyone is so ticked off about it.

  16. Volunteer Enforcer*

    I need advice in the midst of a grievance re my direct boss. Trust me that the grievance is legitimate. How do I cope with her in the lead-up to a resolution, and if my preferred resolution (changing bosses) doesn’t come through how can I move on in my relationship with her? I will definitely job search if my boss doesn’t change.

    1. Observer*

      I think it’s hard to answer without knowing what the issue is in a general sense. And whether your employer is reasonable. Like if the issue is that your boss is being illegally bigoted to you (at one extreme) it’s one thing. If it’s a legitimate situation, but very unusual and easy to see how someone would mishandle it (at the other extreme) that would be a different scenario.

      1. Volunteer Enforcer*

        The issue is interpersonal, but I am far from the first person to complain about her. So, basically she is very harsh in tone and content of critical feedback.

    2. WantonSeedStitch*

      I might think about it from a perspective of “I’m going to be as professional and reliable as I can possibly be, so anyone looking in from the outside will see a manager who has wronged a really great employee.” That might give me the patience I need to let things roll off my back for a while. And remind yourself that one way or another, your time with her as your boss is limited: either you’ll get a new boss at your current job, or you’ll get a new job. It’s not forever.

    3. Put the Blame on Edamame*

      Start job searching now so you feel like you have your exit route secured if you don’t get to change bosses.

      1. Not A Manager*

        I agree with this. The fact of job searching will make it easier for you to deal with her until you receive your official resolution.

    4. Alternative Person*

      Boundaries (+ related scripts) and cover your ass would be my starting point as short to medium term measures.

      That said, I’m not sure moving on will be possible unless your boss makes an active effort to change.

  17. Американка (Amerikanka)*

    I had a virtual interview for an internal university position and borrowed a loaner laptop from work to go somewhere private off site. Sadly, the video camera did not work on this laptop. Besides the camera mishap, the interview went well. Will this issue likely remove me from consideration?

    I am so disappointed that the issue happened and plan to buy a new laptop asap.

    1. Seal*

      It shouldn’t. Technology issues happen all the time, regardless of how well you plan and prepare. You were still able to do the interview and it sounds like you didn’t let the tech mishap throw you, so you’re fine. Hope you get the job!

    2. Observer*

      I have no idea what academic hiring is like, so I can’t speak to that aspect. But I would hope that no employer would seriously ding you because your video didn’t work.

      That said, given some of the comments I’ve seen – including here on AAM, it’s hard to say for sure that it wouldn’t be a problem. Hopefully you have a good enough reputation to outweigh that, if it’s an issue.

    3. RagingADHD*

      I wouldn’t expect that the lack of camera itself would be an issue, but it’s possible that the way you handled it might have given a poor impression. For example, if you got extremely flustered and had a hard time getting the interview going or it was an ongoing distraction, that could make it seem like you weren’t good at problem solving or coping with minor difficulties.

      You said the interview went well otherwise, so the video thing probably won’t matter.

    4. WantonSeedStitch*

      I would hope not. If someone said to me, “I’m sorry about the camera not working, I’m on a loaner laptop so I could get some privacy for the interview,” I would completely understand. It’s not as if someone said “Sorry about the camera not working. It’s like this sometimes!” with their own camera. If it’s your own equipment and you know it’s not reliable, that smacks of poor preparation. But you had a reasonable plan for the interview and it went awry due to no fault of yours.

    5. Miette*

      I wouldn’t think so. Tech mishaps happen, and the fact it was on in-house equipment should negate it entirely. Look at it as something to joke about later when you meet in-person: “Now you can see me for realsies!” or probably something better lol.

    6. Американка (Amerikanka)*

      Thank you for the replies everyone. Am hoping for the best.

      When the camera did not work, I voiced disappointment and told them that I had “dressed so nice” for them too! I did not tell them the laptop was a loaner and wish I had done that. Oh well…live and learn.

    7. Put the Blame on Edamame*

      I have hired people twice in different circumstances when their cameras failed, don’t sweat it I think.

    9. Manders*

      I work at a university. We recently had a position open and had 2 candidates – one could not get the camera to work on her computer so it was audio-only, and the other one interviewed at lunchtime from her car, and had an awful eye infection. She apologized once for the way her eye looked, but otherwise didn’t dwell on it. Neither of those things were a factor in hiring AT ALL. They were both excellent, competitive candidates who were dealing with, you know, life. I think this would only be a problem if you were interviewing for a laptop-camera expert position :)

    10. Free Meerkats*

      Local government hiring here. We just went through something similar with a candidate; his microphone totally failed mid-interview. We did the, “No, still nothing” dance for a few minutes, then he called in by phone. That meant his voice and mouth weren’t in sync, so really distracting, but it didn’t change our decision. We’re currently going through the background check/reverence check for him.

    11. I'm just here for the cats!*

      I doubt it, especially since its an internal postion. Especially if you told them that this was not your laptop and you borrowed it from IT. From my expericnce if there are known issues with items like laptop loaners people will be understanding, because everyone on campus knows that the laptops that IT loans out are crappy.

    12. NotARacoonKeeper*

      Higher ed manager here, and definitely not for our office!! We better than anyone know the fun of institutional IT support…I think you can put it out of your mind.

    13. Jessica*

      Higher ed here, and I wouldn’t hold this against you in the least. At worst it might cause me to schedule one more meeting if we thought you were our top pick but wanted to have a face to face. I wouldn’t dream of eliminating someone over a tech issue like this. And especially not now—I don’t know what it’s like where you are, but we are consistently getting smaller and worse applicant pools and struggling to hire. I can’t afford to discard people over trivial stuff (not that I would have anyway).

  18. Stuckinacrazyjob*

    Ugh, while disobeying my doctors orders to quit my job ( I could take a pay cut but health insurance is a must in virus soup! ) I realized that I have no idea what my career goals even are. I like being helpful to society, but am bad at organization, stamina and health. I’m not good at math, I’m not a charming sales person. I’m really drawing a blank here. Have I had a job I was good at? No.

    1. OyHiOh*

      I am also neither good at math, nor a charming sales person.

      I am good at admin – organize, schedule, plan/execute meetings, clean data, answer general questions about the industry I work in. Humorously, my industry is full of charming salespeople – we essentially convince growing companies to stay in our market and/or encourage companies to move to our market – and it takes a bit of mental strength to remind myself that I was not hired to be a charming salesperson. I was hired to keep our projects on track, and keep the department head on track.

      I have ambitions in this industry, but I won’t follow the usual track from support to attraction, to project management, and then leadership. I will probably skip over at least the attraction role precisely because I’m not the charming salesperson that a business attraction specialist needs to be and go straight into project management.

      1. Stuckinacrazyjob*

        I’m jealous!!! People think administration skills arent important and that they can just be crunched onto your job, but they can not.

    2. Irish Teacher.*

      What are you good at? What are your interests? Have you a qualification in anything?

      As a teacher, I don’t think you’ve mentioned anything that would prevent you from succeeding in education roles – teacher or support worker/teaching assistant.

      1. Stuckinacrazyjob*

        Hm… sometimes children who don’t speak will speak to me. But children don’t obey me so….

        Ah, by ” health” I mean minor viruses will knock me down. When I had covid I was real sick for two weeks.

        1. Irish Teacher*

          I wouldn’t worry too much about the former as honestly, teachers have authority by virtue of their role – I am hardly a disciplinarian myself and weirdly, it works (I think they figure that they are getting their own way quite a bit, so worthwhile remaining on my good side) – but yeah, the health thing probably wouldn’t make it a great fit, as being around children = lots of viruses.

    3. Squidhead*

      There are a lot of heathcare-adjacent positions that don’t necessarily require healthcare experience? At my hospital, off the top of my head: Inventory management, food services, environmental services, administrative assistants for any number of internal and external departments, etc. Plus some clinical positions that require maybe a certification but not *tons* of training (outpatient lab, specimen receiving, patient care assistants, etc) Many of these use computer systems that keep things organized, though you’d need to be using the computer system correctly. I’m not sure what your background/education/salary expectations are, so I don’t know if these types of jobs are affordable for you? They tend to be at the low end of the hospital pay scale, despite being essential to our operations.

      1. Stuckinacrazyjob*

        There are a lot of hospitals here and my boss works at one part time. My talent is mental health, but I’m not detail oriented.

        1. Squidhead*

          Our behavioral health unit has patient care aides/safety watchers! As was asked above, what skills *are* you good at? And are you okay with taking a job that fills practical needs in your life (salary, insurance, hours, etc) if it is one or two steps removed from something you’re passionate about? Like, the behavioral health unit needs a secretary or needs to be cleaned or needs food trays delivered every day, even though that might not feel as fulfilling as directly talking with a patient. Or what about outpatient mental health or substance abuse/recovery settings? Maybe more direct client interaction, not sure what the training is like.

          Are there resources you can tap to improve some of your weak areas? Or mentally subdivide them instead of all-or-nothing…like, I would really struggle to organize building a table because I don’t even know what to do first, but I am very organized when it comes to doing our taxes. (Fortunately, my spouse is the exact opposite!) But I also know…because I taught myself how to do our taxes… that “being organized” is something that I can practice and gets better with practice. If I had to start building tables, the first time would be a disaster but the 2nd time would be better and the 10th would be better still. Some workplaces also have very specific procedures to follow (“start by cutting out the table top, and then put it face-down over here”), which can be helpful.

    4. Khatul Madame*

      Do you enjoy figuring things out? (analysis)
      Can you convey concepts and ideas? (communication)

    5. Coming to You Live from The Pit of Despair*

      If you have the money and are near a location, I would highly recommend Johns0n-O’Connor aptitude testing. I loathe my job and vehemently do not want to do the same work elsewhere but wasn’t sure what I pivot to. The testing is 7-8 hours long and goes over a wide range of skills, but nothing related to personality. I found the results very useful a) because I dig that sort of thing, and b) because it gives me a place to start when thinking about what sort of jobs to seek out. Also, as a person with terrible self-esteem, it was nice to have a third party say, ‘objectively, here are the things you are good at.’

      1. Stuckinacrazyjob*

        That might be fun. I’m in the dumps about our broken job system but there’s nothing more fun than psychological testing. I only administer and haven’t done one for ages

        1. Mr. Shark*

          I found that when I wasn’t certain what I wanted to do, that temping was helpful. I experienced a bunch of different jobs in a short amount of time, and actually landed in something that was perfect for me. The temp agency helps assess your strengths and get you something that matches what you are capable of doing, and you get to try out different industries that can use your talents.

      2. No smart name ideas*

        I second the Johnson O’Conner aptitude testing—they’re a non-profit and have data going back 90+ years as to what jobs/careers specific aptitudes align with. I’ve recommended them to everyone from hs students figuring out what they should study/train for (go to college or not, and if so what to major in) to retirees (who are also looking for ways to lead a meaningful m ext 30 years)—including a number of potentially career-changers.

        Be a waste that the testing is over two days, and then it’s another half-day to get the results and ask questions . So it’s not a quick fix, but a great resource.

    6. Rekha3.14*

      I haven’t used it yet myself but I’ve heard good things about the O*Net interest profiler.

      Not sure what you’re looking for but many laboratories (genetics) or gamete donor agencies have customer services support, which is usually remote. Does require use of some technology, of course.

    7. Annoy mouse*

      may I recommend that you make a list of what you absolutely hate / are horrible at. Then make a list of what you *can* do. dont have to be the best, just passable. many jobs dont require you to be a superstar at one specifoc thing, but to be good enough at multiple things (organization + communication for example). some of those combinations can be rare but highly marketable. once you have that list, you can look into jobs which meet those skill combinations. dont sell yourself short, you can do this.

  19. soontoberetired*

    Yes that’s reasonable. So reasonable a lot of companies have specific rules saying you can only listen to radios or MP3 players or whatever else now available via head phones.

  20. Anon in space*

    I have been invited (with a select group of other people) to lunch to meet upper level managers (not c-suite) in a very large corporation. It would skip over the level of management I usually report to by 1-2 levels; I have never met any of the managers at lunch. Obviously, it’s to evaluate us for something, but there were no details given.

    My thought: These managers sometimes have people as special assistants (who know the technical side of the business) to handle their overflow work; and it’s a fast track launching pad position for lower management positions. Maybe it’s for that position, but again I have no idea.

    My question: what are they looking for during lunch? – ability to small talk? meet clients? click with one of the managers personally? be grilled about my background like an interview?

    1. AvonLady Barksdale*

      It’s impossible for us to know– so much depends on the invitation and what details were given to you. You can always ask if you need to prepare anything. Or go in expecting lunch and be prepared to talk about what you do, and be flexible.

    2. RagingADHD*

      How would the answer to your question change the way you behave at a work lunch with your skip-level boss?

      1. Anon in space*

        Because if they want feedback for processes, the ways things are done by a younger generation, that’s one thing.

        If they are interested in career paths, there are many available at the company but some involve a lot of change. (2-3 years at a remote site, changing countries, rotating among industries.)

    3. M_Lynn*

      It also might not be an evaluation or test or any kind? It could be that they don’t have clear connections with staff at your level, and that’s impacting their ability to make good decisions. It might be about building a relationship and creating a new line of communication, and learning more about what you do. Sometimes things can be taken at face value…

    4. Miette*

      Prepare like it’s an interview, i.e. remind yourself of your accomplishments so you can easily talk about them, do a little cramming on the company’s strategic direction (it can be easy to ignore that when you’re a worker bee), and be knowledgeable about recent product/corporate news/announcements.

    5. BellyButton*

      Often these are done to give employees visibility to leaders from around the organization. having relationships and visibility is beneficial. I would just go with the flow.

    6. FJ*

      My company did “skip-levels” intentionally for a while. It could be because they want want a wider range of feedback than they are normally getting. You could guess based on what you know of the other invitees (high performers, thoughtful, or special skills?). If it’s lunch, I’d start by assuming professional friendly discussion – have a few key project accomplishments, and a thoughtful professional way to give constructive criticism on one (just one!) thing. Like, how can these higher level managers make things better for you and or the team?

      I had a skip-level one on one once with a VP that I sorta knew and it turned out quite good and we keep in touch now still. So, could be positive.

    7. Nikki*

      I work for a Fortune 500 company and skip level lunches like this are pretty common. In our case, there’s no real agenda or long term plans being made. It really is just a casual lunch meeting. It gives upper management a chance to meet with the people doing the day to day work in the company to get a better understanding of what they do and what their challenges are, and it gives lower level people a chance to learn more about the broad direction of the company and to ask questions of upper management that they wouldn’t normally have the opportunity to ask. If you haven’t been given any indication that there’s an agenda behind this lunch, I would just approach it as an opportunity to have a conversation. Think of some topics or questions you might want to ask but don’t create expectations in your head that might not pan out.

      1. Hen in a Windstorm*

        Yeah, my former nonprofit used to do quarterly lunches like this. All staff met with the bigwigs in rotation, so you ended up only going once a year.

    8. Hiring Mgr*

      Can’t you ask whoever invited you for some further details? With no other info it could very well just be a skip level mtg where they’re looking for feedback etc.. But nothing wrong with asking if you’re curious.

    10. I should really pick a name*

      Why do you feel it’s obvious that it’s to evaluate you?
      My first thought would be that they’re looking for feedback.

      1. Anon in space*

        They did not BCC the guest list, so I saw who else was invited (from my peers). There are some names in there that I know are being groomed with stretch tasks.

    11. Ginger Pet Lady*

      I don’t think it is “obviously to evaluate” you! It might be they want to learn more about what things look like at your level. It might mean They want to open a line of communication with you. It might be about evolving job duties or a change in organizational structure.
      And yes, it might be evaluating you for potential to move up in the organization.
      My advice would be to (at least try to) set aside your worries and assumptions and just go get to know them and see how it goes.

    12. talos*

      When I used to have these, it was often so that the exec would have more visibility about what the people in their organization were working on, worried about, needed fixed, etc.

    13. Girasol*

      Do you happen to know any of their admins? You can often ask a senior manager’s admin what it’s about so that you can come prepared, and they’ll give you an idea of the objective.

  21. Bluebonnet*

    I am on track to earn a MSed in Higher Education in May 2024.

    Is this degree applicable in other fields or only within higher education? If applicable in other fields, which fields?

    I am just hoping to know what options I have. Thanks!

    1. Velociraptor Attack*

      It’s a very, very specific degree. Are you looking at other fields? If you’re graduating in 2024, you’re probably not too far into it, would it make sense to re-assess?

    2. kbeers0su*

      It is very specific. As someone with the same degree, I decided to go back and get an MBA to get more broadly relevant skills. If you don’t KNOW for sure that you want to go into Higher Ed/Student Affairs and stay for an amount of time that balances the cost for the degree and opportunity cost of not doing something else…I’d honestly look for something else. The field as a whole is struggling right now (too much old-school, butts-in-seats management, combined with terrible pay and notoriously bad leadership). Because of that I know many positions have opened to Master’s preferred in order to get a decent candidate pool. It might be worth your time to look at job openings for the types of jobs you think you’d want post-Master’s and see if you can get one now. Then you can pause on the Master’s to see if you actually like the work before you put in the time on a degree that is very hard to explain to folks in any other field.

      1. JelloStapler*

        Open to Master’s but still paying very low.

        Consider a M. Ed in School Counseling, MSW, etc- they are more open.

    3. Glazed Donut*

      I think it COULD be — and given that you’re a ways out from graduation, I’d consider tailoring your coursework and/or projects to be a bit more broad, if you (1) have the ability and (2) cannot quit the program or switch to a different track.
      For example, if you complete some data projects and can learn SQL or Stata or whatever, that is transferable. If you take a class or two on management/business/etc, that can transfer. But if all your projects are very higher-ed focused, then you may be a little stuck.
      For what it’s worth, my master’s in education was very broad (teaching and learning) and I used my options to learn about literacy and dig into some more specific topics outside of instruction. I can use that research to apply to other educational and education-adjacent settings.

    4. OtterB*

      It would possibly be applicable in my organization, which I describe as a higher ed-adjacent nonprofit. We do various programs, workshops, etc., for academic audiences. Somebody mentioned stats and data training; that would make you a good fit for some of our positions. So would some training in program evaluation. If you don’t want data/research, we have people who essentially do events management, running the logistics of workshops while volunteers from the field manage the content. That’s much more people-oriented.

  22. Bippity Boppity Bummer*

    For those of you in in-office/hybrid situations, how are you handling Covid now? I’ve been informed after returning from a long leave that I’ll likely need to be coming in a few times a month, but the office is open plan, people sit fairly close to one another, and no one appears to be masking :(. Covid’s still very much a thing where I am, though my bosses have happily declared it over (indeed, I am looking elsewhere, sadly to no avail so far), and I’m stressing over the comments people will definitely make when I show up in a mask. Thoughts?

    2. DisneyChannelThis*

      The bivalent booster is available at most pharmacies now. It made me pretty confident about being around people. I still mask at work most the time though (yay flu season). I live North but no ones said anything re masking – most know I have elderly relatives I’m worried about exposing anyway.

    3. Constance Lloyd*

      Hi. At the beginning of Covid, I was a nursing home inspector. Things were bad. I know this was in the news, but people seem to have moved in from that horror. If it helps you to have a response planned in case someone does comment on your mask, you can say something along the lines of “My friend was a nursing home inspector when this all broke out. She has some horror stories. In light of those, I really don’t mind wearing a mask while this is still floating around.” We are now internet friends. And fwiw, I live in a very anti-mask area and nobody has ever commented on me continuing to mask while I’m out and about. Best of luck in your job search!

      1. Bippity Boppity Bummer*

        Always thrilled for a new internet friend, thank you so much! I am sorry for what you witnessed, can’t imagine how difficult that job was/still is.

    4. Rara Avis*

      I’m a teacher, so we’ve been in person for a long time with a lot of contact with a lot of people. Masking has been optional since last April; about half still do. We stopped weekly Covid testing at the end of the last year. Our Covid rates have been very very low this fall. I wear a mask when I am inside with a group. (i.e. not while walking down the hall, but in my classroom or a meeting) Wear your mask; maybe try to shut down comments with, “This works for me.”

    5. Generic Name*

      I’m in the office 2 days a week. I don’t wear a mask, and nobody I work with does. If you would feel more comfortable wearing a mask, wear a mask and ignore the snark.

      1. Ginger Pet Lady*

        This isn’t about “feeling comfortable” it’s about disease transmission. And every person who doesn’t mask increases the risk to everyone else.
        I am SO SICK of this “if YOU feel more comfortable, you wear a mask” because of the always unspoken but VERY real “I’m not going to do anything to reduce the risk for anyone else, even if they’re high risk!” that goes with it.
        It’s selfish.

    6. Hlao-roo*

      I’m in the office almost every day. Masks have been optional at my workplace since March 2022, and very few people still wear a mask. Maybe around 5% of people. I have not heard any snark related to anyone’s choice to mask/not mask at my workplace.

    7. RagingADHD*

      “It’s for my personal risk level.” Immediate subject change.

      At this point, people shouldn’t be commenting on someone’s choice to wear a mask any more than they’d comment on their choice to wear a watch. It doesn’t hurt them and it’s none of their business.

    8. Bippity Boppity Bummer*

      Thank you all for the comments! I’m also dealing with a workplace that doesn’t really know how to handle pumping in-office, so I’m trying to navigate that and keep my little one at home safe and fed. At least I’ll feel confident masking, even if I am the only one doing it.

      1. JustaTech*

        Well right there you’ve got the perfect explanation if anyone gives you a hard time about masking; “I’m protecting my baby”. (Anyone who argues with that is just clearly a butt and should be ignored.)

        I’m about 30 weeks and masking (most of my coworkers stopped masking a few months ago) and no one bats an eye. We have an open office but not very many people on site so there’s plenty of space (and good air exchange).
        I also got my bivalent booster (and I know that all of my coworkers have at least had their original vaccine series), and our immediate management is very in favor of WFH if you’re not feeling great/worried you had an exposure.

        A few months back we had a bunch of people come up for a week of intensive close-quarters work. Of the group four of us masked and the rest didn’t. Turns out several people got COVID that week or the next, but they all seemed to have gotten it outside of work (at home or while traveling) and no one who masked got sick, so that’s made me feel a lot better about the efficacy of masking.

        I hope your pumping goes well!

    9. Ins mom*

      So far I have manages to stifle the urge to reply “ Bite me, B$@?h” when questioned about my wish to mask. To my cautious friends, I say I wish I thought they ( who believe Covid is over) were right. And when I wear the mask I tell them it’s not you, it’s me meaning I’m concerned for myself… even if it’s a lie

    10. ThatGirl*

      My office is open and we were just told we all need to come back 4 days a week, and they definitely cited “vaccines and public health measures have made things better” (which is kinda funny, sanitizing surfaces really has no effect). But regardless I still see people in masks, and nobody blinks at them.

      1. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

        Improved ventilation is also a public health measure, and like masks, useful against other respiratory viruses as well as covid. But if they were thinking of that specifically, I would expect them to say that they think it’s safe to come back in four days a week, because of vaccines and the improvements to the building ventilation.

        1. ThatGirl*

          No, they referenced …. let me see.

          “The severity of the COVID virus has subsided throughout the world due to availability of successful vaccines, better hygiene practices and less severity of the variants.” And then they referenced hand sanitizing stations later.

          So no, ventilation was not part of the consideration.

          1. allathian*

            But they’re right, the current variants are a lot more infectious than the original ones, but if you’ve been vaccinated, they’re less severe in the sense that the number of patients in hospital and ICU with Covid have been going down, in spite of a larger number of cases. At the very least in an area where vaccine coverage is above 80 percent. In my health district, there are currently 3 people in ICU (pop. 1.5 million) with Covid, before vaccinations were introduced, that number was something like 300.

            I wear a mask when I suspect I’ve been exposed, like two weeks ago when our son was sick with Covid. I got it a few days afterwards, and was possibly infectious at an in-person meeting at the office, but since my home test that morning was negative and I wasn’t showing any symptoms, I had no option but to go in. I got diagnosed a week ago (Friday) and returned to WFH on Wednesday this week. I’m more or less recovered now, although I find that I still have to rest after folding a load of laundry or filling and emptying the dishwasher. But I’ve been far sicker with the flu, even when vaccinated against it, and with tonsillitis.

    11. Bucky Barnes*

      I still wear a mask all day and am about the only person on my floor who does. It sometimes feels weird being the only one but at this point, I don’t care what people think of it. We are somewhat spaced out with some in a hybrid setup and some in all the time. I was in office through the whole pandemic until this summer when I asked for a hybrid schedule.

    12. Four of ten*

      I have sometimes worn a mask when others don’t. If I feel the need to justify it-which I usually don’t- I say I walk regularly with a friend who is immunocompromised and want to limit risk. I don’t think anyone has ever asked me about it, though.

    13. El Camino*

      I go in once a week currently, and I’m one of the few still wearing a mask both in the office and on the train. But I don’t care and no one’s said anything to me, fortunately. Just got my COVID booster and flu shot too. I’m in a cubicle and take the mask off when I’m sitting there but don’t have anyone at the desks immediately next to me so I’m more comfortable doing that (still having all virtual meetings, which is another rant for another day). I know the whole thing is not easy to navigate though – hang in there and good luck in the job search! Do what makes you feel more at ease in the interim.

    14. something about sharks*

      I’m still masking in all indoor public spaces, work/bus/stores included, in a fairly anti-mask area. I actually don’t get many comments, but I usually respond with a jokey brush-off – “hey, these masks were expensive, I’m getting my money’s worth!”, “I can’t tell if I’ve got a cold or allergies, but I’m pretty sure nobody wants me sharing!”, or even “yeah, I know, but the AC’s right over my desk and my nose is freezing”. A cheerful upbeat tone and dodging the Covid question entirely seems to work really well on people who might otherwise want to argue about it, and people who see me regularly get used to it.

      1. Higher Ed Cube Farmer*

        Same as Something About Sharks, here, for another data point. Still masking whenever sharing enclosed spaces with anyone whose health status I don’t know.

        Family and friends have actually given me more pushback than coworkers and the general public. Some of them seem to feel uncomfortable with the idea that it’s possible to endanger people even if you you care about them, and take out their discomfort on the masks/mask-wearers.

    15. just another queer reader*

      My work is in-person with a cube farm layout. I’m pretty much the only one who wears a mask. Fortunately nobody has commented in a negative way; if it ever comes up I just cheerfully say “masks aren’t required but I prefer to!” or “I just don’t have time to get sick!” or “I have high risk family members so I’m being extra careful.” People don’t seem to really care, honestly!

      Best of luck!

    16. Disco Janet*

      I work at a high school that’s been back to fill time in person since September of 2021 and had masks optional since March of 2022, and the comments about some people choosing to still wear a mask stopped pretty quickly – even amongst the teens. People adjust.

      Being back in person, and others not wearing masks, stops feeling scary faster than you would think. Is that a good thing? I don’t know – yes and no, I suppose. I have my updated booster, and literally just 3 days ago is the first time someone in my house ended up with Covid – and it’s my son who isn’t eligible for the new booster yet due to age (he’s quarantined to his room, but literally his only symptom is a cough). I was someone who was very scared to go back in person, and to have the mask requirement dropped, but realistically, Covid is moving more and more towards being like a cold or the flu. Yes, people die from those too, and that’s awful, and I am mindful of the high risk people in my life and in my classroom – but the attitude I see in some of the comments here, where people have the same attitudes and 24/7 expected protocols they did pre-vaccine just seems unrealistic. Your brain can’t be in crisis/emergency mode forever.

      1. jane*

        Ha, tell that to my brain! ;) Nah but I don’t see wearing a mask as “crisis mode”! It’s a sensible and effective precaution that’s very easy and simple to maintain so it seems pretty calm and reasonable to me

        “Being back in person, and others not wearing masks, stops feeling scary faster than you would think“
        I’m happy that’s your experience, but that hasn’t been mine. I’ve worked, traveled, seen movies, shows, and dined in and I still haven’t gotten used to nobody wearing masks

      2. Irish Teacher*

        I don’t think maintaining precautions like continuing to mask, social distancing, ensuring adequate ventilation has anything to do with being in crisis/emergency mode. I see those as on a par with not drinking if one is going to be driving, wearing a seatbelt, etc.

        And the way people compare it to “a cold or the flu.” Those are very different things. The flu is a serious illness and I actually worked in one school where students used to stay home sick when they weren’t during those couple of weeks each year when the flu is spreading, in order to avoid it. That is a greater level of precaution than masking, etc, and this was apparently a yearly thing in the school – it was assumed there would be higher absenteeism those weeks even among people who were not sick. And while that was extreme, it is very normal in general, for people to be extra careful about their health when there is a flu around (and heck, in the days before international media, EVERY year, our news used to report “there is no flu in Ireland; it has not arrived here yet” until it had passed, to stop people panicking; it was a source of mirth, that there would be reports of how there were no cases of flu in Ireland when there might be 7 or 8 people out sick in a class of 30), so yeah, I think the level of concern about covid at the moment is lower than what you often see with regard to the flu.

        My point is that one does not have to be in crisis mode to take reasonable care. In fact, I would see those as opposites. I very much suspect that some of the people rushing back to “normal” are doing so BECAUSE they are really scared of covid and want to pretend it’s over now and is no longer a threat to them. If one isn’t worried about, then what is the harm in making small adjustments like ensuring adequate ventilation and masking in busy environments. There are no disadvantages to some of these things (unless reminders of covid worry the person, which is understandable) and avoiding covid is not the only advantage. It also helps prevent things like the flu and may also be helpful against pollution. I suspect some of those in crisis mode are among those wanting to remove all precautions because covid scared them so much that they want to pretend it is now gone completely. If one is relaxed about it, then hey, wearing masks are no big deal. Working from home is a nice benefit.

        2. Stuckinacrazyjob*

          Thank you. There’s no way I can will my body to recover as quickly as required so anyone who helps reduce disease is thanked by me. And remember- many people have illnesses that are made worse by infectious disease. A reduction of disease makes it possible for them to participate in society

      3. M.*

        I feel exactly the same way. I mentioned below, but now that my husband and I caught it, I’m just not scared of it in the same way I was before. And mine lasted for nearly a month, so I really got walloped. I think you can be unafraid of it now while still wanting to make sure others who are more vulnerable are safe and protected, and I don’t think the two are mutually exclusive. If I know I will be around someone who is immunocompromised, I’ll wear a mask around them, keep my distance, etc. If I know someone is still extremely anxious by it and would prefer I wear a mask, I’m totally fine with that too.

        At some point, though, unless you are immunocompromised, you have to trust the science–vaccines, boosters, antivirals, and other treatments. But if my colleagues still want to wear masks, I certainly don’t begrudge them that. I’ve been there, and I totally get it.

        1. tessa*

          Aren’t you concerned about long- Covid?

          I trust the science and the vaccines, and appreciate folks like you who still mask up, but scientific inquiry is still collecting long-Covid data, which is exactly why I fear we are normalizing too soon.

    17. M.*

      We’re required to come in at least twice a week, and most colleagues don’t come in more than that. My husband and I both had COVID last month, so I don’t really consider it a major risk anymore and no longer wear a mask (but will if I know I’ll be around someone who’s particularly nervous about it). There are still people who wear masks in the office, and—to my knowledge—they don’t receive any pushback or anything. I would find that incredibly inappropriate if they did.

      1. M.*

        I would add that, once I get into the building, there’s very little face-to-face time with other colleagues throughout the day. If I were constantly meeting with people or working in big groups, that might change how I approach it.

    18. atexit8*

      Not in an office. I work in retail.
      I wear a mask in the store although most employees and customers aren’t wearing masks.
      Fortunately, I am not near anyone for long periods of time.
      I will be getting the bivalent booster on Monday.

    19. 22five*

      I’m facing a similar situation and am working on an extension of WFH via an ADA accommodation, but it’s a rough road, because my doctor believes he cannot “tell my employer where the work can be performed,” but that’s an issue for another thread…

      More importantly, the pandemic is far from over and every SarsCov2 infection is a roll of the dice – death and/or disability is on the table, even if vaccinated/boosted and even if you’ve already been infected one or more times. With SarsCov2, herd immunity is a fantasy, and will never exist.

      This article is a great overview of where we (worldwide) are wrt the pandemic: https://fortune.com/2022/10/06/strokes-heart-attacks-sudden-death-america-long-term-risks-catching-covid-carolyn-barber/

      Protect yourself, your family and friends. SarsCov2 is vascular and as such is not comparable to a flu or common cold.

      1. Not A Raccoon Keeper*

        I was just thinking about posting this article in this thread! I’ve been following the person who tweets articles about sudden post-COVID clot-related deaths (linked near the top of the article) for a while, and am glad to see this receiving media coverage. It’s so hard not to slip into the ‘well everyone else is treating this like it’s over!’ mindset, but pretty healthy young people are dropping dead every day.

        Also in my twitter feed today was a scientific analysis suggested that COVID will be a pandemic for 7 years, and another one confirming that based on its known evolutionary characteristics, it will never become endemic.

        I used to be fun at parties.

        1. Firefighter (Metaphorical)*

          Yes – what I’m taking precautions against is not the Covid bit but the exponentially increasing risk of Long Covid, strokes, rhabdo, Alzheimers, etc….

          I’m actually glad to hear it’s only going to be 7 years. Is that 7 years total or 7 more years from now?

    20. TiredCatMom*

      Hi,

      I’m invisibly disabled, and this has already come up for me at New Job. I usually say I’m more comfortable masking and I have high risk family members. Unless I cannot rapidly put one on, or the windows are open, mask on. I have resorted to eating in my car on a field site. I am also not the only one doing this, but if I was, “honestly I just prefer it” and “nah” or not replying makes people stop asking. New Job is pretty good about respecting boundaries.

      My disability is only relevant when I get sick, really — I get fatigued easily and it gets much worse when I’m sick. It makes for long recoveries and me being irritable, lol.

    21. Gatomon*

      Management has no plan, as far as I can tell. We already have people getting sick right now from just swinging by someone’s desk for 10 minutes. I don’t know if it’s actually covid being passed or just a cold, but I personally don’t want to find out.

      I wrote in the open thread a few weeks ago about my boss scheduling a meeting about “changes,” and it was exactly what I feared – we would have to start coming in 1-2 days a week. I pushed back as I thought the justification presented was very weak, but I was pretty alarmed to hear that there’s no real mitigation plan to prevent in-office spread or contingency plan if we do have an outbreak and that management hasn’t really considered this despite it actually happening to us in 2020. Masking is long since over here and honestly, I don’t want to wear a mask for 8 hours in the office when our team has worked successfully for over two years now fully remote. We have low vaccine uptake and abysmal booster uptake locally so while I’m freshly boosted, I doubt we’ve got enough herd immunity in the office to make this work if covid spikes this winter. And I don’t want my health to be part of the test.

      I’m willing to try 1-2 days a week in case my assumptions about the spread of covid in the building are wrong, but I’m also going to do a light job hunt because remote work has been much better for my physical and mental health, covid aside. My hope would be to start seriously job hunting in the spring if hybrid sticks and I don’t feel it works for me. This year has been so awful that I was honestly hoping for a quiet winter to destress but… alas.

  23. Pam Coleman*

    I called Lowes home improvement store this morning, asking to speak to Mr. X, the specialist in a particular area (let’s say, bathtubs). He was not available, so I asked what hours he works tomorrow, Saturday. I was told that they can’t tell me, because it’s a violation of HIPAA. How is this related to HIPAA?
    I have the person’s business card, because I went to the store on Sunday, and was not able to get the help I needed because he was not working that day.

    1. Annoy mouse*

      it’s not a violation of HIPPA, but it does invade the employees privacy. imagine if a worker had a stalker who used a trick like that to get information about the employee. the person answering the phones was right to not share that info, though the reason was incorrect.
      maybe ask to speak with a manager to set up an appointment ?

      1. introverted af*

        Yeah, not HIPAA. But also, if it was me, I definitely wouldn’t tell you either. It’s especially the “what hours do they work?” question that would set off alarm bells for me. I would try a more open-ended, generic question like, “when can I meet with them to discuss bathtubs?” and possibly additional details like, “my project is complicated because of the plumbing in my house, and they were really helpful last time so I’d like to keep working with Mr. X.”

    3. Bronze Betty*

      Hmmm. HIPAA stands for The Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act of 1996. I also fail to understand how sharing a person’s working hours violates it, even if that person’s health status dictates their working hours (say, reduced hours or the like).

    4. Bogey*

      Of course that is nonsense. If he has a health issue that prevents him from eing there regularly that might be confusing them.

    5. Educator*

      It is not. You only need to keep information confidential under HIPAA if you are a healthcare provider, a health plan, or a healthcare clearinghouse. Unless Lowe’s has diversified in a way I am not aware of, the person you spoke to was wrong to reference an irrelevant law rather than an internal policy. But I can understand why people might now want their work schedule broadcast. You could have been his stalker, been trying to plan when to rob his house, etc. I would just ask that he call you to schedule a time to come in.

      1. azulita*

        This is misleading.
        You are correct that providing the availability of a subject matter expert whose services are specifically advertised at any company is absolutely not covered by HIPAA.

        You are incorrect about the specifics of HIPAA coverage as it engages ALL businesses for the specific criteria quoted below:

        Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act of 1996 (HIPAA)

        under covered entities:

        Business associates: A person or organization (other than a member of a covered entity’s workforce) using or disclosing individually identifiable health information to perform or provide functions, activities, or services for a covered entity.These functions, activities, or services include:
        – Claims processing
        – Data analysis
        – Utilization review
        – Billing
        (From: https://www.cdc.gov/phlp/publications/topic/hipaa.html#:~:text=The%20Health%20Insurance%20Portability%20and,the%20patient's%20consent%20or%20knowledge.)

    6. CheeryO*

      We never gave employee scheduling information over the phone when I worked in food service. I imagine retail is similar.

    7. I should really pick a name*

      I don’t see how it could be related to HIPAA, but I suspect that they don’t want to provide that information and that’s the first excuse they could come up with (though saying “we don’t provide that information” would be perfectly reasonable)

    8. Disco Janet*

      I don’t think the terminology matters much – yes, they used the wrong term, but it is still a privacy concern. As a former retail employee who had a stalker, I am grateful that most places have a general policy of not giving out employees schedules. If I was working with customers who needed to come back later for further assistance, I’d give them a general idea of when I work, or tell them they can always call the store before coming in to ask if I’m available. Retail schedules can be super inconsistent/change regularly.

    9. Girasol*

      Perhaps if you worded the request as “When would be a good time to call back so that I can talk to him?” instead of “What hours does he work?” it would go over better.

    10. Not A Manager*

      I’m pretty sure whoever you spoke to isn’t an expert in health care law. They wanted to protect the employee’s privacy – either on their own initiative or based on company policy – and they used a term that is frequently associated with information (non)disclosure.

    11. WellRed*

      We should have a thread some about all the inappropriate applications of HIPAA we’ve come across

    12. Policy Wonk*

      HIPAA was probably their way of saying they have privacy concerns. If you want to speak to Mr. X, rather than ask what hours he works, tell them you met him on whatever day it was, got his card, want to make an appointment. See if they will schedule one. Good luck.

  24. fantasy costco bargain hunter*

    any advice for how to handle finding out i’m underpaid? i just found out someone with a fraction of my experience is making a few thousand more than me and has been since they started. i was under the impression i was at the top of the range for the job so this was a bit of a surprise! i don’t begrudge anyone their own salary, and i am looking, but i have a pretty niche job so it’s likely going to be a long search and i would at least like to get up to parity in my next review before our percentage based salary increases put us any farther apart. we have the same education and i have had zero indication anyone is unhappy with my work. i’m trying to figure out the best way to address this without being brushed off but i’m so frustrated i’m not even sure how to start!

    1. Hillary*

      Step one is discharge the frustration and other emotions. It absolutely sucks and you’re right to be angry. Wallow in it until you can talk about it without getting angry.

      Assume positive intent. Offers are often constructed without regard to current pay, and companies often forget they need to do parity raises when they’re making offers, especially for small teams/areas. Plan a conversation with your manager (if they’re decent). Role play it with someone you trust. You learned (other person) is paid more, and of course the company wants to ensure pay parity. Paying differently for the same work is wrong, even more so if you’re a woman or POC and they’re a white dude. If they’re a US federal contractor they’re violating the law.

      Have the initial conversation in person if possible, then send a follow up email documenting what you said and what they said.

      If your manager isn’t great, is your HR rep ok? Or someone else in HR? Or is there another leader you trust to help? I work for a large company that has an entire department for compensation. A complaint to our ethics line would end up with them, but it would also put the manager/VP on the defensive.

    2. Rekha3.14*

      I did this a year ago, using lots of info from this site and making a plan. I didn’t reference the other team members, but the general salary range published for my position and experience (and had points to support how valuable I am – which I didn’t even need, ultimately), and asked for a salary adjustment (not a raise) to bring me to parity. I work for a large org that has a team that looks into that sort of thing, and it was shown that I was under- compensated. It wasn’t a raise and therefore does not affect any other raise or considerations at review time. Maybe that will work for you. Good luck!

  25. Emotionally invested OP*

    I’m the OP of the letter that re-ran earlier this week, “how do I get less emotionally invested in my work?” I saw some comments about wanting an update (that was 5 years ago) so here it is.

    I was not doing well. I’m in my early 30s now, I spent a lot of my 20s in terrible mental and physical health. It was a vicious cycle of taking terrible care of myself, feeling horrible, and fixating on trying to “fix” things that either weren’t real problems or weren’t within my control. It was terribly unhealthy and unproductive. I look back on that period of my life and cringe.

    I got fired from that job for basically the behavior you’d predict based on the letter. It wasn’t a great place to work but in retrospect it wouldn’t have been easy for most people to work with me. I also got obsessive about various things where I felt I had to be perfect. Basically, anxiety that came from broader issues in my life made it impossible for me to be effective at work.

    I’m doing a lot better in a lot of ways but it took having my health get so bad I couldn’t work at all, having to sort of rebuild everything and rethink everything in my life, for that to happen. I’m actually pretty happy with where I’m at right now in most ways, all things considered. It’s really hard for me to look back on that era of my life without cringing. I think Alison’s advice was very good, and it also was really hard for me to read, both the first time around and in the reprint. It was kind and compassionate, and the first time I was not ready to have my worldview challenged, and the second time I was just so ashamed of how I used to act. I’m not responding more concretely to it because it’s still too hard to think about.

    The one thing I can call out as generally useful without going into my personal history is that the way people on social media talk about work can be toxic as hell, and in particular can encourage people to take things overly personally, or act rude and entitled in the name of “asserting yourself.” In my case it was SJ-leaning tech Twitter and women in tech spaces—no, not every instance of professional self-doubt is “impostor syndrome,” especially when you’re new in the field, and not every instance of not getting along with your coworkers is because they’re sexist. But I see this all over the Internet, people being told “you don’t need to give two weeks notice, that’s for bootlickers” or that being asked to be polite to their coworkers is “unpaid emotional labor” or whatever. I don’t use TikTok or Instagram (or Twitter anymore either) but when bits of content filter down from those places to wherever I am hanging out online, I see this sort of thinking pretty often.

    It ends up being a really exhausting and damaging way to move through the world, even when some of the core ideas may have merit in some contexts. It’s not the whole reason for my terrible approach to work, but it was definitely something for my anxious brain to latch onto and obsess over.

    I’m now a couple months into a contract gig after taking nearly a year away to focus on my health. I’m working on finding that balance between wanting to do good work, get along with my coworkers, and not be overly emotionally invested. I think having better self-esteem in general helps—in retrospect I was really invested in trying to get some sort of validation for being smart or good at my job or whatever. It took getting so sick I wasn’t sure I’d ever be able to do any type of work again to move past that, I think. I won’t say I never get overly involved in things anymore, but my work is much more detached from my self-image at this point. I try to stay humble, check in with my coworkers if they think I need to move on from something or if it’s worth taking the time to do it right.

    There’s this sadness of feeling like I wasted so many years being on edge all the time, burned so many bridges for stupid reasons. I mostly wanted to give an update since commenters mentioned wishing they had one, but if anyone has advice on how to stop feeling so sad and ashamed about the way I used to be—at work and in life generally—it’d be appreciated. Recognizing there were things in my past that led to the situation has helped, I think—I come from a family where people build their whole self-image around work, and also get defensive when their poor social skills get them into trouble with others, so it’s understandable that I’d learn to be that way myself. But it’s still really hard to think about. If anyone has advice for moving past the cringe when I think about how I used to act not so long ago, it’d be helpful, I think.

    1. Jean Pargetter Hardcastle*

      Thanks for updating us! I really like your thoughts on how intense the whole internet can be.
      Regarding the cringe factor – it sounds like less than a decade has passed? Your original letter said late-20s and this update says early-30s. I have a particularly cringe period in my past (like you, some of it me and some of it factors outside my control), and I really wasn’t able to fully process it and think about it without utter mortification until about 8-10 years had gone by. I think this is a form of grief, and unfortunately, grief always needs time.

      1. Emotionally invested OP*

        Thanks. It was 5 years ago, but I kept a lot of those habits past then. And a lot of where they ended up changing was in the context of the pandemic, and the chaos and isolation that came from that.

        Reframing it as grief helps. I’m sad for what could have been if I’d been better. But I guess that’s a pretty common experience.

    2. Amber Rose*

      There’s no need to cringe. You were at the very bottom of a huge mountain, and now when you look back, you should see how very far you’ve climbed. That’s an incredible achievement, and something to be proud of.

      2. ferrina*

        Seconding! It sounds like there was a lot of growing that was needed, and a lot of growing that you did! There’s a lot of people that never make that journey, because it’s long and it’s hard and it’s often messy and not at all glamorous. But you did it, and you made really good time! (seriously, I know people who struggle a lot with this who are in their mid-30s to early-forties).

        Congratulations on being where you are!! You earned that in a very real way- just because the struggle is internal doesn’t mean it’s not real.

    3. WellRed*

      I think we all cringe at ourselves to a degree when recalling our 20s. It sounds like you are so much happier and healthier. Focus on that.

    4. Generic Name*

      Oh honey. It sounds like you’ve learned a lot in the years between this letter and now. I understand the feeling of looking back on your life and cringing. I went through something similar, and I basically had to make the space to forgive myself. I was angry at myself for staying in an abusive marriage for so long. I learned to have compassion for my younger self and I realized that there were reasons that made me stay longer than I should have. Maya Angelou said it best: when you know better, you do better. I did what I thought was best at the time, with the information I had at the time. I think you did the same. You did what you thought was best based on the information you had at the time It sounds like you’ve made a lot of headway in understanding why you acted the way you did in your past job. Many people don’t even make it to that step!

      I agree with Jean that sometimes it just takes time to process this stuff. If you like, you can speed it up some by talking to a therapist (that’s what’s really helped me). Much of this is part of being human. Nobody is given an instruction manual when we become adults, and most of what we learn is through the hard way. :) If it makes you feel any better, even though you got fired, I doubt anyone who worked with you then is thinking about this even half as much as you are.

    5. Johanna Cabal*

      All you can do is look ahead and take steps to be better. Staying away from social is good.

      I had a rocky start to the workforce and made plenty of mistakes. It didn’t help that my parents didn’t really prepare me for workplace norms (mom dropped out of the workforce when she had me and never returned; dad worked in sales and was constantly on the road). Not to mention, I am on the spectrum and can come across as “socially awkward.”

      I’ve done so many cringe things that I hate looking back on my early career. But I try to take solace in that I’ve grown emotionally and my goal is to always improve myself.

    6. Emmy Noether*

      Thanks for the update, and congratulations on taking steps to healing! It takes a lot of work to rethink life and your relationship to your career, and I hope you can celebrate how far you’ve grown since then.

      Re: your ask for advice for “moving past the cringe”, one thing that let me move past a broken relationship with a family member and rebuild a relationship with them was declaring emotional bankruptcy on our past relationship and moving on from there. Would it help for you to declare emotional bankruptcy on your past and mentally “close the books” on how you acted back then? You’ve done a lot of the restructuring work on your life already (which is really hard!)

      2. Free Meerkats*

        “Emotional bankruptcy” is a great way to put it, I wish my therapist had used that phrase. I don’t remember what she used (it was 25 years ago), but the vision we ended up using was the scene from the movie Gumball Rally where one of the characters rips the rearview mirror off the convertible and says, “What is behind, does not matter!”

        Your actions then harmed no one but yourself; forgive yourself, rip the mirror off, and move on!

    7. Bippity Boppity Bummer*

      I don’t know if this helps–I hope it does!– but I read somewhere that cringing over your past behavior means you’ve grown out of it. You’ve moved on, you’ve changed for the better, and now you can look at how far you’ve come! I haaaaate remembering all of the dumb, cringe-y things I did in both my personal and professional life, but I try to remind myself that I’ve matured enough to never make those missteps again. I hope you’re able to be proud of yourself, or at least be easier on yourself, with that in mind!

    8. Warrior Princess Xena*

      I’m in my twenties and cringe at my teens, and I’m sure in a few years I’ll cringe at my twenties. It’s a sign of growth and self-knowledge that we are able to look at something we used to do, recognize it as a problematic behavior, and do our best to grow from it. Best of luck to you!

    9. Stuckinacrazyjob*

      I’m glad you’re doing better. I mostly take social media prickilness as blowing off steam. Me online: I am anti work! Don’t oppress me with happy hour!
      Me offline: I work til 7 pm every day! Yes boss, drinks for your birthday is fine as long as there are mozzarella sticks

      1. Emotionally invested OP*

        This is a good point. So much “advice” people give to strangers is not actually about being helpful, it’s about expressing some feeling or value on the part of the advice-giver. I appreciate how AAM is one of the few places on the internet where I feel like the advice is actually primarily motivated towards helping the OP.

    10. Hillary*

      I wanted to give five-years-ago you a hug when I read the letter, and I want to give now-you a hug reading this. I’m so proud of you just reading what you wrote here. You didn’t waste those years, they were part of the journey to become who you are now. I know future-you is going to be amazing.

      We all change as we grow, and things that were huge at the time will fade. The fact that you feel different emotions about how you used to behave means you aren’t going to repeat them.

      If you’re not in therapy, it can be valuable for processing this kind of thing safely. It’s hard for me to talk about things like this with my partner or friends and it’s also hard to process them by myself. I agree 100% on giving yourself space to grieve, but I’d also challenge you to be proud of your journey. You’re doing the hard work.

    11. The Prettiest Curse*

      I would second the recommendation of therapy, as it can be especially helpful in stopping or reducing negative thought patterns.

      I’m glad that you’re doing better. I also look back and cringe when I think of stuff I did in my 20s (I’m in my 40s now.) The cringe factor will lessen over time. And I also find it helpful to tell myself that I cringe at my past behaviour precisely because I know better now. If I find myself repeatedly thinking back to a specific situation and cringing, I try to tell myself that I’ve spent enough of my life thinking about this situation and it’s time to re-direct my thoughts to something more useful.

      One weird technique which can help yo re-direct your thoughts is to actually speak a message to yourself out loud – for example: “this is not helpful, why are you doing this?” Obviously, this is not always practical, but it can jump-start your brain out of a negative thought pattern.

      You sound like you’ve made a lot of progress and learned lessons from the way you behaved in the past, so congratulate yourself on the changes that you’ve made.

    12. SansaStark*

      Those cringe moments/tough times were tough for me to let go of, too. Time really helped me. As did reframing of those experiences. I got fired from 2 jobs in 3 years. I could not have imagined telling a stranger that info 10 years ago because I was so deeply ashamed. But those firings put me on the path that I’m on today and I am so much happier. I’ve had a winding career path and it’s not until recently that it’s become something that I’m proud of. Things were not easy for me but I persevered and I’m proud of that.

      I don’t agree that your earlier years were wasted – they put you on this path. So figure out where you want to go from here, how you want to live, and how you want to feel. Please trust that time is going to heal the past and I hope you’re able to look at your former self with kinder eyes soon.

      You should be proud of the changes that you’ve made! Seeing the past clearly, taking accountability for your mistakes, and going a step further to see why you made them…….those are big accomplishments and I hope you find a way to see them that way.

    13. EMP*

      Thanks for the update, I’m glad you’re doing better, and I hope you can also find some compassion for your younger self. It was a rough time but being able to look back (or move on) is its own challenge.

    14. kina lillet*

      I think I’m about the same age as you, also work in tech. If you were my friend, or a coworker who just joined my company, or (for example) an advice-seeker whose letter I’d read on an advice column, I’d tell you to have more generosity for your old self.

      As your friend, I’d probably tell you that your old self was struggling really hard, and I that I wish I could speak back in time to her and tell her she’ll be okay because it sounds like you are okay now. As a coworker, I’d say–as I have done to coworkers who got kinda fairly fired from previous jobs–that your old job sounded pretty awful but glad to have you on. As an internet commenter I’d say, none of that sounds cringe, that sounds like you lost time to sickness, but your life ain’t over yet and may you have many more years of good health, so that you can look back on Late Twenties You and say girl you did not know how good it was gonna get.

      Best wishes–side note, I was nodding vigorously at your imposter syndrome point haha. It’s so true and it’s pretty annoying to analyze your job performance (to yourself), determine some weaknesses, and then have someone else be like “no way, you’re doing great, sorry about that imposter syndrome!” For me, I’m like, no!!! I have a big ego, I’m fine, just let me be realistic!

      1. Emotionally invested OP*

        Thank you :)

        And yes about the impostor syndrome stuff. It is kind of like when you have some practical problem and you try to talk to your friend about attempting to solve it and you get a bunch of “you’re doing great! Don’t worry about it! You do you!” in response, which is well-meaning but not helpful when you need to change something on a concrete level.

    15. Not A Manager*

      I just want to give you a virtual mom-hug, and maybe offer some perspective.

      You come from a background that stressed the appearance of success, and that was quite judgmental in some ways. You already know the effect that your background had on your early work experience. But I think that now you are bringing some of that learned judgment behavior to how you think about that early work experience. You’ve shifted the judgment from “I need to be the smartest person in the room” to “I failed to intuitively know things that I was never taught.”

      I bet that if a close friend of yours – someone that you feel affection toward, and good will – were to tell you this story, your thought would not be “wow, how shameful.” I bet you would think, “what a wonderful story of personal growth and progress. It’s really admirable that my friend who I love was able to overcome their early training. Look at where she is now!”

      I’m pretty sure my internet mom-hug is not helpful to you at all. But maybe you can find your internal friend, or a less judgmental parent inside you, who can empathize with the person you were in your 20’s, and who can be proud of you for moving past behaviors that no longer served you well. In the end, the only person you live with all the time is yourself, so I hope that you will find a way to be a kind and loving friend to yourself.

      1. Emotionally invested OP*

        > You’ve shifted the judgment from “I need to be the smartest person in the room” to “I failed to intuitively know things that I was never taught.”

        This is a GREAT way of putting it, thank you.

    16. Picard*

      Getting past the cringe….

      I don’t know if this will help or not and I absolutely dont want to make you feel worse but one of the things I tell me friends who beat themselves up about…anything…

      Think about someone you love and care for. Now, if this person came to you with YOUR life story/situation, what would you tell them? That they are lousy people and dont deserve happiness/contentment/joy? No, of course not! This is someone you love and cherish! You would commiserate with them on their past, compliment them on their progress, encourage their future.

      Give yourself the same love and grace. Be kind and gentle to who you were because thats how you became who you are. Good AND bad.

      Hugs.

    17. tired librarian*

      One thing that I’ve found help in terms of feeling shame about past behaviour is to think about where that behaviour came from, which it sounds like you’ve already begun doing. You talk about specific beliefs and behaviours that are part of your family system – so it makes sense that you also had the same beliefs and behaviours – that was what you had to do as a child and young adult to fit into your family, make sense of the world, and survive. It’s a natural consequence of growing up in that environment, not a personal failing.

      But also, you are not that same person now. You have grown and changed and better understand who you are now. I don’t know if this will be helpful to you but I often think about my child self and my adult self – when I sometimes have an over the top reaction at work (which happens sometimes to all of us I think) that is my child self reacting how I learned to react growing up in my family. That’s not the same person I am now, but I should also be kind that part of me who was just doing their best and trying to learn how to exist in an environment that didn’t teach really teach them how to exist in a healthy way. I hope you can also be kind to all parts of yourself – it sounds like you’re doing a really great job growing and changing in healthy ways.

      I wonder if the level of shame you are feeling is still an expression of your younger self who holds those beliefs about work defining your value as a person. I think that would be worth unpacking with a therapist, if you haven’t yet.

    18. MoMac*

      So I have been through this at various times in my career. Maybe not as deeply as you have but still cringey for sure. What has helped me is to reframe it in my mind. They’re not the time periods where I was an ass or unprofessional or a total mess. They are time periods where I was struggling but learning how to sustain myself in my career and set limits and boundaries around what I would accept in a work environment and what I would not. They were learning opportunities that have helped me to understand myself better and get me closer to being who I wanted to be. This was a learning opportunity for you and you’ve made use of it.

    19. Mac (I Wish All The Floors Were Lava)*

      Thanks so much for the update! As someone who also has been many different kinds of Hot Mess in my lifetime, I have been working with my therapist on focusing on naming and being proud of what growth and progress I have made. I also try really hard to be kind to myself when I feel that cringe feeling coming on, and rely heavily taking a deep breath, shaking my hands out, and telling myself: “You’re human, and you’re still learning.”

  26. just wondering what's out there*

    Looking for encouraging stories about changing industries/careers. I think I know all the right things to do but can’t help feeling like my application won’t get anywhere because of all my experience being in libraries. If you successfully changed industries and/or successfully got out of people management without slashing your salary to unliveable, I’d love to hear about it. tia :)

    1. something about sharks*

      I switched from libraries over to university administrative work at the end of 2021 after management changes at my library made it no longer somewhere I enjoyed working, and it went great! The pay and benefits are significantly better, I can take the bus to work, I do more work I enjoy, and I have more free time outside of work (no more evenings and weekends!). Library work translated really well to a communications/administrative assistant position, since I’d picked up some promotional materials skills from helping advertise summer reading, book displays, etc. as well as organization and data entry, and I was able to point to my interest in doing more of that work as a plus in my cover letter and interview.

      Caveats: I’m in a relatively low COL area, the library pays abysmally even by local standards, and I got hired right around the same time as the university did a significant pay band overhaul, so the substantial pay increase was kind of a “stars align” thing that brought me up from “barely livable” to “reasonable but nothing sky-shattering”. I also don’t have an MLS/MLIS and am only about seven years into full-time work (started at the library in college), so it’s not the same as a career librarian switching industries. It’s also a big enough university that it’s not having enrollment issues. But even with all that, so far it’s made 2022 a much better year than the previous couple!

      1. just wondering what's out there*

        Congratulations! “No evenings and weekends,” *drools*
        I actually just applied for a job at a university that I thought had a lot of transferable skills, and I’m getting ready to apply for a communications job that I feel the same way about (it also has a really broad salary range and desired experience/education range).
        *I* know that working in libraries has given me a broad range of transferrable skills, but I worry that the “wow, what a quiet job reading all day” stereotype will get in the way, no matter what my cover letter says.

        1. something about sharks*

          Good luck with both of your applications! I hope to hear you’ve gotten the perfect job with no evenings and weekends soon.

          I was expecting to deal with the same issue, but it never really came up! I think that stereotype might be less of a thing when transferring over to academia, since some majors and fields of study also kind of get the “wow, you did nothing but read for four/eight years?” assumption. I also put a lot of emphasis on wanting to learn about my department’s field in my application materials – trying to hint without really saying it that if I *did* spend all my time reading, it’d be because I was trying to learn more about what we do (science department that I have no background in). I don’t know how much it helped, but it made me feel better!

    2. Hlao-roo*

      There was an Ask the Readers question about this in 2020. If you search “let’s talk about mid-life career changes” you should find plenty of stories!

    3. AnotherLibrarian*

      I have not left libraries, but four of my friends have. One is now happily working as a very high level Administrative Assistant for a CEO at a company and the other is working in databases for the State Troopers and loves it. Another is now a teacher at a private school where she teaches Latin and German. So, yeah, it is 100% possible. The fourth one entered a nunnery (literally, like she’s now a nun), so I don’t know how her salary stacks up… but last we spoke, she seemed happier then I’ve ever seen her. You can make the switch!

      1. just wondering what's out there*

        Librarian-to-nun is the best career change I have ever heard.
        Thank you for sharing these stories! I am so burnt out, and it’s so easy to feel like I’ll never get out (setting aside the vocational awe and compassion fatigue that make me feel really guilty about considering leaving!), so I really appreciate the hope you’re giving me!

    4. Dragonfly7*

      I’m a former library support staff worker who did a lot of helping patrons with minor tech questions. I’m still pretty new, but I found an entry-level position at a large financial company where I do that same type of troubleshooting and web navigation, plus some financial transactions. This company is willing to train me to do more advanced work and pays me the same as what the MLS-holding librarians make to do it.

      1. just wondering what's out there*

        Wow! This seems silly now, but I never even considered leveraging all the tech help as a marketable skill! Thanks for this great idea and success story!

  27. Newbie*

    My manager isn’t great at communicating. She doesn’t take the time to look over my work and often tells me to add things that are already included. She also gives feedback in a way I find passive aggressive, and we have had a few issues where she doesn’t provide me with the correct information/full picture upfront and then gets frustrated with me when what she wants isn’t included. I know I’m one of her best employees (for a while I was her only direct report and called me her “lifeline” in an interview for another candidate) but I rarely feel appreciated. It seems like she is quick to criticize and slow to praise. She also started making passive aggressive comments to me about my new coworker’s performance (her direct report, my senior)in ways I feel are unprofessional. All that to say: I think I’m ready to leave. It’s my first job, I’ll have been with the company for 2 years in December (I started originally as an intern) and have been in my full time role for a year (started last October). As I’m starting the job search again, I’m realizing I want to avoid a manager like this more than anything but how would I go about doing that? What kinds of questions / signs should I look for?

    1. FJ*

      This is basically my question today also. I feel your pain and hope we get some magic questions.
      I think asking references/networks/other employees is probably the best bet – that is something I didn’t do last round of interviews.

    2. ferrina*

      Good for you for leaving! This manager sucks.

      First thing I’d say is: Trust your instincts. If something is telling you to run away, there’s usually a reason (even if you don’t know what the reason is yet).

      Next, I’d think about your interview for this job. Were there behaviors that stood out? Are there any red flags that you’re seeing in retrospect?

      Listen for how the manager talks about their team at the interview. If they are actively critiquing their own team to a candidate, you can bet that they are talking badly to others. I cannot tell you how ridiculously unprofessional it is to criticize your team to a stranger! Especially when you’re the manager and you’re supposed to be the lead- the criticism says that you’re a bad leader and you’re willing to blame your team for that.

      And finally, talk to the people who would be your coworkers. If this isn’t a part of the process, you can ask “Can you put me in touch with a couple people who would be my coworkers? I’d love to get a little more context on what this job is and learn more about the company culture!” Ask them about the manager’s working style.
      Good luck!

      1. Elle*

        I agree with all of these things. When I look back at my dysfunctional bosses there were things in my interviews that were red flags. Being dismissive of the program, staff and the community. Telling me all the negative things happening with staff. A very long hiring process with many interviews.

    3. Aspiring Chicken Lady*

      I’m not sure about what to look for in that hour or two of interviewing, but I’m going to suggest that you remember that this next job does not have to be your ONLY next job. Ask some good questions about how assignments are given, how training is done, and how your success will be measured.

      And then, use this new pair of boss glasses to monitor how things are going for you as the employee, and to identify what’s working with the new boss, and what isn’t. It’s very possible that even if you weren’t able to crystal ball every red flag in the interview, you’ll still be able to learn from and grow from your next job(s) until you get to your happy place.

  28. WineNot*

    Maternity leave questions! I am sure this has been discussed a ton, but I am going to ask it again.

    I live in the Northeast US, and we are going to try to have our first baby in 2024. I was curious so decided to ask my HR person what my company’s policy was. He told me the company policy is 8 weeks unpaid. Now, I know there is the FMLA which would allow me to take off 12 weeks at a percentage of my salary, and my employer would not be required to pay anything.

    Some people I’ve talked to so far let me know that even though the FMLA is in place, the fact that my company says they only offer 8 weeks fully unpaid is ridiculous. I am wondering what other people’s experiences with this have been?

    My company has a new HR director and is starting to try to turn the corner and pay people better, promote a better culture, etc. People are generally older and haven’t been having a lot of babies, so this probably isn’t something they get complaints about often. We are also a medium-sized company, but on the small end of that spectrum. Looking for all feedback and advice on how to potentially bring this up with HR to help promote change. Thanks!

    1. This Old House*

      FMLA does not offer a percentage of your salary. It’s possible your state does (in the northeast, I’m aware of at least NY and NJ offering some amount of paid leave). It may be that your company offers 8 weeks unpaid without needing to invoke FMLA, or that it offers an additional 8 weeks unpaid on top of FMLA. But they should be required to offer you at least the 12 weeks that FMLA covers (assuming that, as a “medium-sized company,” they meet all the requirements for being covered by FMLA – if for some reason they do not, you might not be eligible for FMLA).

      1. ferrina*

        Yep, all this. Also note that most parental leave policies kick in after 1 year of employment at the company (I think FMLA also applies only after 1 year, but I could be wrong)

        This company doesn’t have a great parental leave policy. My company paid out 60% of my salary for 6 weeks (which is the absolute youngest at which a daycare will take an infant). It’s not uncommon for daycares to have 6 month waitlists, so you should be looking at childcare options when you hit the second trimester.

        1. lost academic*

          This is pandemic times. Daycares have MUCH longer waits here and in every city I’ve talked to parents in this year, especially for an infant as there’s a higher adult ratio required. Many places before the pandemic you needed to be on a list well before conceiving. Don’t wait!!!

    2. Llama Llama*

      FMLA is just that you are allowed to take 12 weeks off without a risk to your employment. It does not give you any money. This is entirely up to your company (or insurance if you have that).
      FMLA also only applies to cover companies over a certain size (50?). So if your company is smaller than that then they can have different policies.

      My previous company only partially paid for 5 weeks. I prepared by using as little PTO as possible so I could take 10 weeks.

      My next company paid 8 and had a better PTO policy so I was able to save up to take 12 weeks.

    3. Velociraptor Attack*

      As others have said, FMLA doesn’t pay. I was able to hobble together my PTO and comp time (I worked at a university) to take my whole 12 weeks of FMLA coverage technically paid.

      I guess the question is if FMLA would cover your work and if their 8 weeks is in addition to that, otherwise, if they’re both unpaid, I’d probably invoke FMLA so I also have protections in place from that.

    4. Moths*

      I won’t repeat what others have said about FMLA, but I wonder if that’s actually a short-term disability benefit? Often STD pays a percentage of salary and can be used for parental leave.

      My company is medium-large and provides 12 weeks of 100% paid leave for the primary parent (usually the birthing parent, but not necessarily if it’s an adoption or other situation) and 6 weeks for a “secondary” parent. However, my sister worked for a similar sized organization and didn’t have any paid leave when she gave birth 5 years ago.

      I agree that 8 weeks unpaid is ridiculous! I would recommend fighting back on that. If you don’t have a ton of people having babies, it’s a small thing your company can do that will have a large positive impact and will just look good to recruits. My company didn’t use to offer any sort of leave (people would use STD and PTO, running concurrently with FMLA to protect their job), but myself and several others raised the point repeatedly that it wasn’t a competitive policy and that it was an expectation that a company of our size would provide something.

    5. EJ*

      Do you have short term disability insurance thru work? Most STD plans cover 6-8 weeks post partum at some percentage of income. Many companies offer std automatically but if your company has an option to opt in, I would do so at the upcoming open enrollment period.

      If the employer really only offers unpaid leave, I would sign up for a plan thru aflac or similar in sufficient time to be eligible on your schedule. Good luck

    6. EMP*

      For everyone saying FMLA doesn’t pay – OP mentioned “Northeast US” and Massachusetts *does* have a 12 week paid leave program, so I would assume OP is referring to this or something similar.

      I have no experience with this myself but if HR is actively trying to promote a better culture I would just bring it up with them! If you can point toward other companies in your field having better offers (more leave, paid leave), that is always good.

    7. Chauncy Gardener*

      Short term disability, if you are the birthing parent, will pay a percentage of your pay while you are out on disability.
      If you are in Massachusetts, there is a state specific parental/family leave program that all companies with employees in MA pay into that will pay you something while you are on leave.
      FMLA will not pay you anything, but it is for 12 weeks.
      Then there is whatever, if any, parental leave program your company has.
      I think you need to speak with a different HR person as the one you spoke with may not be familiar with all the options.
      Good luck!

    8. SallyAnn*

      Does your company have short term disability? Before many companies had parental leave, giving birth was considered a medical reason for using short term disability. (Don’t get me started on the philosophy of putting having a baby in the same category as having a coronary bypass. But I digress.)

      The short term disability paid partial salary for 6 weeks if you had a vaginal birth or 8 weeks if you had a C-section. Not a real maternity leave but was better than nothing.

  29. Mari*

    This is a fairly low-stakes question / pet peeve and I’m not sure how to address it or if it’s even worth trying.
    I have multiple roles in our small company, one of which is part of the hiring process and then later overseeing most of the employees in a sort of coach role. Fairly frequently during the hiring process, I see people who have email addresses that don’t include their names – think “iluvdogs@” or similar, which is fine as long as their email display name is their actual name so that I can easily see who it’s from.
    My issue (or annoyance) is when neither their email or display name contains their name and I have to search through our hiring spreadsheet to figure out who it is (b/c they only signed their first name in the email to make it extra challenging). Sometimes the display name is random, like “Gaby123” or “MJK”, sometimes it’s a previous name (like Jane Smith but her paperwork all now says Jane Jones).
    Is this worth trying to address? If so, how would you frame it? Eventually I get to recognize the weird display names as “oh that’s Jane” but I would like to not have to spend that extra brainspace remembering who it is.

    1. DisneyChannelThis*

      For the ones that work for your company you can redirect to whatever the policy is. “Hi Gaby, here at XYZ company we really prefer if all employees include a signature with their full name and contact info. You can see examples and branding logos at internal link.” I’m really surprised your company doesn’t automatically assign emails and contact details with full names.

      For the ones not yet employed, just email back. “Hi Gaby, thanks for sending your XYZ form. Would you mind telling me your last name, we’ve got multiple candidates with your first name this round, thanks!”

      1. Mari*

        we don’t assign employees emails b/c it doesn’t really make sense for the type of business…think something similar to hiring a bunch of writers for a specific project, and after their project is done they may or may not continue. they are w-2 employees but because it’s project-based people tend to come and go too frequently to justify the expense of giving out emails. and since they aren’t communicating w/ each other or outside the company , just with their project manager, there isn’t a formal signature policy since it’s their personal email. i know i need to just get over it probably, but bleh.

        1. DisneyChannelThis*

          Might be worth making sure when you first email them that you save them as a contact in your own email client with their full information then. There’s some good tutorials for importing contacts from a spreadsheet form into outlook, gmail etc online if you need to do a ton at once.

    2. ferrina*

      It sounds like this is happening with job candidates, not employees.

      No, I don’t think you have standing to address it. Yes, it’s a pain, but it’s their personal email address. I’m more curious about why it takes so long to look up the person. Do you not have an automated Applicant Tracking Software(ATS)? If this is a frequent issue, I’d look into an ATS. There’s a lot of ways that a good ATS will streamline this process and take care of these million-papercut type issues.

      1. Mari*

        at this point the company is too small to justify using an ATS – everything is done via spreadsheet. so it’s not that it takes a ton of time to figure out who it is, it’s just an extra step that is frustratingly common.

    3. Parcae*

      Would anyone be offended by a simple “by the way, as you go through our hiring process, it would help me a lot if you included your full name in all your emails” in your first communication? Not everyone will do it (and even well-meaning ones will forget), but it would reduce the sheer number of lookups you have to do.

    4. Moths*

      During the hiring process, I agree that it’s probably not something you can address besides writing back and asking for their full name. But if they’re using their personal email addresses for work, which it sounds like in your responses to other comments, I think it’s fair for you to set a policy where either signature lines or display names are full names in company communications. If it were me, I would probably recommend to employees that they set up another email address that they only use for work. And if they don’t want to have to monitor two inboxes, most email providers like Gmail will let you auto-forward from multiple accounts to a single inbox and will also let you default to replying from whatever email address received the mail rather than the inbox being used (for example, if I set up a work email Jane.Doe.12@gmail.com, it would auto forward to my ILoveCats@gmail.com inbox and when I reply, even though I’m in the ILoveCats@gmail.com account, it would reply from Jane.Doe.12@gmail.com without showing that ILoveCats@gmail.com is involved at all). This is probably good practice to recommend anyways, so that they do have all of their work emails in a separate account rather than mixing them. If there were ever a legal action against your company (heaven forbid), it’s easier for them and the company to need to pull all of the emails from the work account rather than for them/lawyers to have to dig into their personal account.

    5. Specialized Skillets*

      You should be able to control the display name by adding them to your contacts and editing the fields there. Then you only have to figure it out once at least.

  30. Rara Avis*

    Those of us who can’t travel for work are given other assignments, among them giving airport rides to colleagues who are traveling. (Yes, I know that this is weird. But I’m in education.) Some of my colleagues are concerned about liability. Should I be concerned?

    I think if I were to crash while giving a ride to a colleague it would be covered by worker’s comp. I’m not volunteering to give a friend a ride; I’m performing a task assigned by my employer. (My contract states “… and other tasks assigned as needed.” I’m wondering if it would also be covered by worker’s comp for my rider. Is their ride to the airport part of work-assigned travel, or is it more like their commute, which is their responsibility? Is it different to take a ride arranged by your employer as opposed to getting there on your own?

    I promise that I’m a safe driver, but this is my first year in a long time not being able to travel, and it never occurred to me to worry about this type of liability. We have pushed for coverage for Uber, or transportation on a school van, but I don’t know if we’ll succeed.

    1. Passerby*

      This sounds like a question for HR, or something where you should get it in writing.

      If you’re being required to provide travel assistance to your coworkers, then I don’t see how it would be considered as a regular “commute.” It’s a job assigned task. If anything, are you getting mileage reimbursements?

      I myself don’t know how accidents and injury would be handled in the event there is an accident or injury sustained. Presumably your company has some sort of liability and compensation that this would fall under but its best to consult someone with these concerns.

    2. Educator*

      I was freaked out about this too when I had to drive for work! My employer’s insurance carrier, who I was connected with after asking the COO a bunch of questions he could not answer, was able to tell me exactly what was covered (company vehicles, clients, people I hit, etc.) and what was not (my personal vehicle and property, things already covered by my health insurance, etc.) under their insurance plan. Every plan can be different, so I was glad that I asked someone familiar with my employer’s.

      For extra peace of mind, I also got an umbrella personal liability policy in addition to my auto policy. It is really cheap–less that $100 per year–and protects my assets from anyone who might try to sue me personally for a whole long list of things. Even though I no longer have to drive for work, I still have this policy to safeguard myself in other parts of my life. Very reassuring.

      1. Rara Avis*

        There are, but the airport(s) are over an hour away, so it would add up for the school to cover it.

        1. WellRed*

          Ah, ok. Still unusual. We can or drive ourselves or have a partner drop us off. Company pays for parking or cab. Are they reimbursing mileage at least? And your time if outside of work hours?

          1. Educator*

            Not that unusual for rural U.S. education/nonprofits. Transportation is an all-hands-on-deck affair because hiring drivers would be cost prohibitive. It is very annoying, but not an outlier, and there is not a lot of space to push back. Having a license and clean driving record is often a requirement for hire in the more rural parts of my state for exactly this reason.

    4. Ina+Lummick*

      my other concern is that if I crashed in that scenario. I *would* not be covered under my car insurance and could be charged as driving without insurance (which is a criminal offence where I am).

      which just lends it further to either not driving myself or making sure I use a company car

    5. Adequate Archaeologist*

      Check with your HR/whoever deals with insurance and workers comp as well as your own auto insurance. My parents had a policy for a bit that had a clause where if you were using your vehicle for a work reason other than commuting (ex. using your car to deliver pizzas or doing a ride-share) that it basically voided your auto insurance and they didn’t have to cover anything that happened. So I would definitely check it out.

    7. MacGillicuddy*

      If you’re using your personal car, and driving a coworker somewhere is a task that’s assigned to you by your work, I would also check with your own insurance company.

    8. Foley*

      Triple-check your auto insurance. MANY policies have what changed/limited used to be ‘standard’ coverage upon the explosion of rideshare.

  31. Cautiously Hopeful*

    I just quit my job because I signed an offer for a different job with what I can accurately call “gobs” more money.

    Thank you all for answering my questions, both direct and indirect.

      1. mymotherwasahamster*

        If you thought “gobs” of money was good, just wait til you reach the “gods” level…!

        Oh autocorrect, such joys. Also, congrats!

  32. mymotherwasahamster*

    Newish reader but this has become a regular lunchtime treat the last couple months.

    Short: I’m trying to figure out how much of Alison’s wonderful job search advice translates for finding work in Germany.

    Long: In 2019 I brought my solo litigation practice overseas for an adjunct teaching position, which I ended up leaving for various cost-benefit reasons. Since then I’ve been continuing the practice with US and some German clients, but after 3 years and 1 plague I’m sick of operating on the outskirts and eager for a German job. (Not necessarily in law, in fact probably not, but that’s just where my brain has been the last ~10 years.)

    I’ve been trying to combine advice for US applicants with German resources but for all I know my materials read like a dreadful Frankenstein’s monster, terrifying and deterring all poor souls unfortunate enough to cross their path.

    Granted, I haven’t pored over the job-search archives here yet because I don’t want to inundate myself with info that doesn’t apply. But what I’ve seen so far makes a ton of sense for the US. So what translates, and what doesn’t?

    For example, I have the sense that German cover letters involve more detail about why one wants the job, rather than what they can offer the company. And I’m sure there’s more, but I don’t know what I don’t know. Socialization is weird and culture is hard!

    Anyway, any thoughts (or AAM-esque German resources)? Thanks all!

    1. Volunteer Enforcer*

      I don’t know about any AAM-esque German resources, however I can apply AAM advice from the USA to my work in the UK. I don’t know how similar or different Germany is.

    2. Random Bavarian*

      I’m German and used Alison’s advice last year to find a new job. As far as I can tell it translates very well but I also hate cover letters and write them as minimalistic as possible (reasons for searching for a new job, why I’m interested in that job, maybe one or two sentences what I did in may last job. I completely ignored answering why I would want to work for that company in particular).
      I also found a German blog which helped me a lot. I’ll post the link in a new comment.
      After I got an interview I ignored Alison’s advice about dress code and thank you notes (no thank you notes in Germany and I work in IT so I showed up in (black) jeans, sneakers and a nice shirt).

        1. mymotherwasahamster*

          Thanks, this looks helpful. I’ve been looking around of course, but there’s so much stuff that it’s nice to get a specific recommendation.

    3. amoeba*

      I think the biggest difference, at least in my field, is that resumés are really uncommon – you usually use pretty comprehensive CVs.
      For the cover letters, I haven’t really seen too much of a difference, but yes, I’d agree that it’s generally pretty important to indicate why you’re interested in that specific position at that specific company. (Although obviously that can be hard depending on the company – I’ve mostly applied for big, well-known ones so wasn’t too hard.)

      And in general I’d say at least in my field it would be actually quite unusual to list achievements in the CV, and definitely not stuff like quoting praise from coworkers etc. but really more “traditionally” listing responsibilities. Although I’m sure there’s industries and companies that would like it, but definitely not in the more “traditional” and German companies.

      Oh, and I’m sure you already know that having a professional photo in your CV is unfortunately still considered the norm and people don’t tend to like it if you leave if off. (For international companies I’d say both with and without photo would be fine, for German ones would definitely include one!)

      1. mymotherwasahamster*

        Interesting, I’ve seen several postings specifically saying WE DO NOT WANT YOUR PHOTO, which made me think that pattern is shifting overall. But it sounds like that’s probably limited to the NGO/progressive sphere—good to know I shouldn’t overthink it and just assume photo is required.

        Do you know how representative the photo has to be? I had some nice ones done just before coming here i.e. about 4 years ago, but my hair was extremely short then (somewhere between buzz and pixie cut) and now it’s normal chin-length.

        1. linger*

          In Japan, too, photos are generally required on resumes … but there’s no requirement for them to be current, just recognisable as you (bearing in mind, most interviewers will receive only a photocopy of paper files, with some loss of quality, unless an original PDF is shared). 1-2 years out of date would usually be no problem at all; 4-5 years could be pushing the limit, but if the only apparent difference is hairstyle you probably don’t need to worry. (For comparison: photos for other ID purposes, e.g. passports, drivers’ licences, residence cards, must be current when the ID is issued, but subsequently remain valid for 5-10 years. So if you’ve needed to get a more recent photo for other official ID, that’s probably the photo you should use with your CV.)

        2. amoeba*

          Sorry for the late reply! Yeah, I think these postings specifically include these directions because it’s unusual in Germany. If nothing’s stated, you’re definitely on the safe side with a photo.
          Wouldn’t worry too much about the hair etc. as long as you’re still generally recognisable – mine’s about 5 years old and so far, nobody has complained.

    4. Lady_Lessa*

      Because you are a lawyer, and think like one, may I suggest looking into regulatory departments. Health and safety is a big, important area.

      1. mymotherwasahamster*

        you are a lawyer, and think like one

        I resemble that remark! ;)
        Kidding of course, that’s a good suggestion, and I’ve been doing some contract work for one such company so it’s not entirely starting from scratch.

        1. Lady_Lessa*

          I learned a long time ago, that lawyers and chemists, like myself, speak different dialects.

          I like working with regulatory types because they have the knowledge, I don’t intend to get, but give me an interesting product to develop and I am a happy camper

    5. Hillary*

      You might find it useful to look at companies with American parent companies (or Irish, a lot of “Irish” companies are run from the states) – my employer is one of many that loves hiring American expats overseas. Our legal team in particular is global – our EMEA legal team has people in at least six countries. Barred in the US plus practicing in Germany would be amazing. Privacy is a fast-growing in-house practice area and I suspect contracts are going to be big in the next couple years. The economic uncertainty is going to drive companies towards formal agreements that are informal today.

      Assuming you’re authorized to work in the Schengen area, you might also find good options in Belgium and the Netherlands. There are a lot of remote jobs there with international companies. Chances are very high an international company will have a German subsidiary you can “work” for.

      1. Hillary*

        drop me a note at marguerida @ gmail if you want to learn about my employer btw – we’re hiring two legal roles in Europe right now, including one that strongly prefers english and german bilingual.

        1. mymotherwasahamster*

          Just did that. Thank you!

          You’re right, I’ve been seeing loads of postings for privacy law. I’m an autodidact so diving into this would be a no-brainer. (As in the obvious thing to do, not that it’d be super easy.)

          Side note, I’m heading to the US later this month and already steeling myself for the opt-out-of-facial-scan chat with the immigration folks. Crazy how much each country takes their own privacy norms for granted!

          1. Hillary*

            Shoot, I’m so sorry. That not-my-name email is marguerida1 at gmail – I remembered it wrong. I’d love to connect if you see this.

    6. Bryson*

      Not exactly the same but Evil HR Lady is American but lives (lived? I can’t remember) in Switzerland so you may want to check her site or ask her a question.

      2. amoeba*

        Yes! Also can attest that Swiss and German norms are really similar, having lived in and applied for jobs in both countries.

    7. Schmitt*

      I’m in Germany and in tech, so not as conservative as you might need to be, but I just added a cover photo to my otherwise unapologetically American-style resume. (I do include all my jobs back to college, but as one-liners for the older ones.) I have gotten an offer from every interview I’ve done, but that might just be because I’m awesome. ;)

  33. ManagerMystery*

    I am nearing the end of an exciting interview process…with one lingering unknown that I am not sure how to resolve. I feel great about the role and the company. I’ve gotten a lot of helpful information from HR, the person retiring from the role, and even the CEO, with whom I had a 1:1 interview.

    But the one person who remains a mystery is the woman who would be my direct supervisor (the VP to my prospective director role). I only met her once, as part of a group interview the first time I came to the office. She shook my hand when I arrived, was clearly paying attention, and asked a few thoughtful questions, but she was generally quiet. I love working for introverts–that’s my style too!–so that is not a problem, but I just feel like I have zero sense of what she would be like as a day-to-day supervisor. Because she is the hiring manager and that group interview was early in the process, I assumed that she would pop up again in a future interview, but she has not. I’ve met with a lot of people over many weeks, and the process is winding down.

    Any advice for how to manage this? Do I take the gamble and hope she is good? Push to know more, which feels weird to do when my questions are just about her as a manager and not anything broader? Thanks for any advice.

    1. WineNot*

      I wonder if it’s possible to ask if you could meet with her again briefly? I don’t know if that’s something job candidates ever do, but you are obviously going to spend a lot of time working with this person so as long as it doesn’t hurt your chances of getting the job, maybe that could be an option.

      I also think that as long as she hasn’t given you reason to be concerned about working for her, and you like everything else you’ve seen, you should go for it and hope it all works out!

      1. FJ*

        In my last interview process, I asked for an extra call with my manager when they sent the offer because we didn’t have much time during the interview process. It was well-received at the time.

    2. ferrina*

      What did the person leaving the role say? How long did they work under the manager?

      If they were generally happy working under this VP, then think about how closely your working style is to theirs. Unless it’s wildly different, that’s a pretty good sign. If her people feel like she’s caring and competent, that would be enough for me. (though I think you’d be totally fine asking for a quick call with her so you can learn more about her working style)

    3. irene adler*

      I would request an opportunity to ask follow-up questions directly to the hiring manager.

      Hiring manager will have expectations for the candidate who takes on this role. You should find out what these are. What is their management style? You need to know this. What are her plans for this role 2-3 years out? You need to know this so that you are on the same page.

      If the hiring manager has stated something like “if you have any questions, please reach out to me”, now would be the time to ask these questions. IF the HR contact has made this statement, you can ask them to facilitate your request to ask these questions of the hiring manager.

    4. WantonSeedStitch*

      I would say wait until you receive an offer. If you do, say you would like to get to know the hiring manager better before making a decision, and ask for a 1:1.

  34. Keep searching or settle for now?*

    Hello, advice on how you would feel/act upon this job offer, or just an objective input on:

    I received an offer that was about 5k short of the minimum salary range listed, reason cited due to my lack of direct experience in X even though I have tangential experience.

    Small company, maybe 5 employees. CEO called me to extend the offer. I negotiated but she said their was little leeway but my neotiated offer still fell short of their minimum on the job posting.

    I was mildly upset but I asked about flexibility in schedule, as that’s something I currently value more at the moment due to being the primary caretaker of a family member who has health issues that needs my occasional care (dr. appts mostly). CEO expressed that’s completely fine and she even encourages remote work or folks can take half days etc etc.

    We hang up. Literally five minutes later, I get a call from the admin assistant who essentially expressed concern and wanted to gauge how much “personal” time commitment I was going to need, and reiterated that this was a full time position and wanted to ensure my personal commitments didn’t take away from my work commitments.

    I mentioned the CEO had already stated scheduling was flexible with remote work etc. Admin said remote work isn’t a possibility until at least 7 months in due to onboarding. I was like “Hmm…ok. What if I decide to flex and work a weekend to make up my hours?”

    Admin responded that may be difficult because our work is collaborative and everyone needs to be present on the same day (assumedly).

    This is a small company so no formal HR. I’m just… baffled by these conflicting details. I’m also baffled why admin is the one following up on with their concerns, when the CEO didn’t express any of those concerns to me.

    On the one hand, the position deals with time sensitive work so I understand wanting to keep deadlines in mind but I’m just getting a lot of bad vibes from this admin person, who was also the person who did my phone interview screen and preliminary interview.

    Again, flexibility is valuable to me and I do understand the admin’s concern(s) but this pushback from them concerns me in general for how future life events (unexpected and expected) will be handled and taken, or even things like sick days and vacations.

    It’s making me question whether I should take the offer or not. What are your advice or input on this situation?

    1. Jean Pargetter Hardcastle*

      No advice, just thoughts. This gives me pause. Two possibilities come to mind for me: one, the admin has a tendency to over-insert and would be really challenging to work with; or, on the other hand, two, the CEO has a tendency to just say stuff that doesn’t pan out in reality, and the admin is tired of dealing with the fallout and trying to get ahead of it.

    2. ferrina*

      I wouldn’t do it. In an office this small, having one person that has an issue with your schedule could cause major issues. Also the CEO isn’t always the person with the best read of the day-to-day. CEOs have very different roles/responsibilities/expectations than the rest of the company. It’s very possible that the CEO is saying one thing to woo you, but the admin knows something different to be the case (again, even if the admin is wrong, now you have 1/7th of the company who is already critical of your flexible schedule)

      I’m baffled that “onboarding” will take 7 months in person. That sounds more like they want the new person to prove reliability before granting remote work, but that’s not what you’re looking for at all! It’s also a bit out-of-touch; with Covid, most of us now have proven reliability while remote.

      And falling short of their own minimum salary….that would be a yellow flag on it’s own (sometimes there genuinely are mitigating circumstances that make this make sense), but add this to the other flags, I’m not getting a good vibe from this place. I’d pass it by.

    3. very anon for this*

      can you call or email the CEO and bring this up? If the Admin is someone you are going to have to work closely with, I would see this as a pretty big red flag! They overheard the CEO’s conversation, then called you to discuss THEIR concerns. Does this mean they get the last word, or at least think they do or want to? I would want to be absolutely sure about the dynamic before going into this. I think this is also valuable information to have at this stage so that’s a plus for you.

      1. WellRed*

        This is an interesting take. I assume the CEO asked the admin to follow up, not that the admin has nefarious powers.

    4. Cordelia*

      It could be that the CEO is making vague well-meaning promises and the admin assistant is the one who has to work out the logistics and practicalities of this, and is more realistic about what is actually possible. You could ask for another call with the CEO to ask about the specifics, or ideally with the CEO and the admin person together, to negotiate the remote/flexible working more formally

      1. 1LFTW*

        This was my take, having taken a job where a similar dynamic was evident. It was a tiny company; just the CEO, who liked to make what turned out to be grandiose and unrealistic promises, and his VP, whose unpleasant job is was to adjust those promises to mundane reality. Things turned out… poorly.

        Of course, it’s also possible that the admin is officious and overreaching her authority, and that’s *also* bad. Whatever the admin’s reasons, I can’t imagine how this indicates anything good about the office culture.

    5. RagingADHD*

      I mean, my first response would be to email the CEO for clarification and tell her exactly what the admin said, cc ing the admin. Then say that in order to accept the offer, the flexible schedule is non-negotiable, so it needs to be in the written offer letter before you can accept.

      I agree there are a couple of things that could be going on:
      1) The CEO is out of touch with the company’s real needs and procedures, and promises things they can’t actually support because she’s a big-picture type who leaves actual execution to the admin.
      2) The CEO told the admin to give you the real story, because she’s the kind of person who says yes in person and delegates others to do her dirty work.
      3) The CEO is correct and sincere, and the admin is trying to manage up by asserting her own opinions of the way the company should run (and is used to getting away with it).

      None of them are great situations to walk into, but #3 (admin is out of line) is the least problematic if the CEO steps in and straightens her out. It could be a viable position as long as you have everything in writing before you accept.

      1. ferrina*

        I wouldn’t trust that the CEO would keep to her promise, even if it’s in writing. “Jobs change”, after all. Unless you have an air-tight contract, she can always go back on her word, claiming that something changed and she can’t possibly grant you flexibility now (whether she’s promising it at some future date that will never materialize, or will flat out say “actually, no”). Or she’ll allow it, but you’ll be punished in other ways, like not getting critical information or resources you need.

        The only situation that would be acceptable is if it’s a variation of #3 and the admin is immediately disciplined and/or fired. (I wouldn’t be furious if I’d made an offer to an candidate, then find out that my direct report walked back parts of my offer). If the admin actually thinks it’s okay for her to regularly contradict the CEO, that’s going to be a toxic and confusing place to work.

    6. WellRed*

      I’d move on. First, the salary is not as advertised and then you get conflicting info about flexibility. I agree with other commenters that the CEO will just promise anything but not follow through.

    7. The New Wanderer*

      My first thought on reading that the offer was below their own minimum was that you should decline on that alone. That solidified with the unwillingness to negotiate and then the back and forth on whether you would actually have any schedule flexibility.

      I don’t find it surprising that the CEO delegated to the admin to find out what you really mean by flexible. Either the CEO wanted to be the “good news” person (although a low-ball offer is not exactly good news), or the CEO had second thoughts about discussing flexibility after you hung up and told the admin to follow up ASAP. But you’re right to suspect that the attitude might be stricter about flexibility than you want, especially if you wouldn’t be granted any for the first 7 months (!).

      So, bottom line – lowball offer and not much flexibility. If you have other options, don’t take this one.

    8. ThatGirl*

      I realize you’re trying to keep things brief, but you haven’t mentioned ANY positives to this — do you have any really solid reasons for wanting this specific job? Because there are a lot of red flags there in my opinion.

    9. Lady_Lessa*

      I’d continue looking. Between the salary issues, and the fact that you are getting different answers from the CEO and Admin asst. that only bodes no good.

      I suspect that the Admin tends to run the place on a day-to-day basis, and the CEO does the big overview. You would probably have more dealings with the admin, than the CEO.

    10. BRR*

      I’d pass unless you really a need a job. First, the salary thing is BS. You don’t offer less than the minimum. If they do this with the offer, I would bet they do this with raises and benefits.

      And second, either these are the CEO’s concerns and he had his admin ask for him or the admin is on a power trip. Either way, one toxic person can have a much larger impact in a small office compared to a larger one.

    11. sweeps*

      bees. I can hear bees buzzing everywhere. Either the CEO doesn’t have any sense of what’s actually going on (or is just a liar) or the admin thinks they are in charge and will make your life harder. Both are unpleasant. And for a salary less than posted? nope.

    12. JelloStapler*

      It sounds like there is a bait and switch on the horizon. Not maliciously, necessarily, but even one out of miscommunication or lack of organization is bad.

    13. Policy Wonk*

      Run. The CEO will say whatever you want to hear, then turn to the Admin as her enforcer. Do not take this job.

    14. Gary Patterson’s Cat*

      I’d seek to clarify this “flexibility” in detail and get it in writing.

      I have a feeling the CEO is promising something that may not be how the company actually functions. At best, you’ll be a weird exception that has to me managed differently in payroll. and at worse those “promises” will be revoked pretty quickly once you start. Is it worth the hassle for a job that’s gonna pay $5k less than you wanted? $5k may not be a fortune, but think how long it takes you to save five thousand dollars.

      Of course if you really like and need/want the job perhaps you won’t care.

  35. NoLongerFencer*

    What is normal to expect from work as a new parent? I returned from parental leave awhile ago and they expected me to give a presentation during my one daytime pumping time. Then I had a once a year writing deadline with being online after work hours 7-8 pm plus now an invite to join a work planning group that meets around 4:30 biweekly, right when I have to pick up baby from daycare (I mean, baby can’t drive themself!). I never had meetings weirdly scheduled like this till I came back and I can’t tell if it’s because I’m doing good work or they’re purposefully messing with my schedule/boundaries or both. They’re normally very flexible but it’s like they forget I’m a parent.

    1. ferrina*

      You shouldn’t be asked to re-schedule your pumping time. I think there’s legal rights around that (maybe as medical accommodation- not a lawyer). That said, most people won’t know/remember your unavailability, so remind them as it comes up. They should adjust with no repercussions (if you start facing repercussions, that’s another story)

      Definitely push back on the planning group. Folks that haven’t had to deal with daycares often don’t realize the limitations that daycares still have (i.e., pick-up times, closures, sick child policies). Treat it as a small issue that you’re all solving together, and collaborate for solutions (same as you would if you had any other resource limitation- in this case, the resource is your time/schedule).

      Having a once-a-year late night is a reasonable expectation for a new parent. I had frequent late nights as a new parent. In my case I would work from home when I was working after hours, but it’s not unreasonable to have one really late night. If it’s a usual thing, that’s something to talk to your manager about.

      1. Nikki*

        There are legal rights around pumping time, but it just says the employer needs to provide reasonable break time throughout the day to pump. It doesn’t say they have to provide breaks exactly when the mom wants to pump so they can ask you to reschedule pumping times. You can try to push back on that, though! Block off times on your calendar and if people schedule stuff during those times, let them know that doesn’t work for you. I pumped for two kids and did occasionally have to reschedule pumping time for important meetings that couldn’t be moved, but people usually respected the times I had blocked off on my calendar and were ok with moving stuff when they could.

    2. DisneyChannelThis*

      When in doubt assume with kindness, not with malice. So let’s assume they aren’t familiar with your daycare/pumping schedules rather than deliberately messing with it.

      What happens when you push back, are they receptive and willing to change times or accommodate you being late to the meeting or joining virtually etc?

    3. Rara Avis*

      I think people do forget, or don’t factor it in. I was assigned to chaperone a field trip while I was pumping. After a number of back-and-forths about them finding me a place to pump on the trip, and someone else to supervise my group while I was pumping, they decided it made more sense for someone else to chaperone. Can you use the “of course a reasonable person would not want me to miss my pumping window” language?

    4. FJ*

      Also new-ish parent here. Taking the positive view – they probably do forget! It’s pretty new for you so it’s obviously new for them and they don’t have the baby at home reminding them.

      Or they weren’t that good about flexibility in the first place, so this just makes it more obvious. I doubt anyone has the energy to be purposefully messing with you in a normal workplace.

      I took to blocking daycare drop-off and pickup on the work calendar and mentioning repeatedly “I have a hard stop because kiddo” and that seemed to work over time.

    5. CTT*

      Have you been blocking out these times on your calendar (even just with a generic “unavailable” if your coworkers can see the calendar entry, not just that it’s blocked)? People can know you’re a parent without knowing the time specifics, like when the daycare closes or what time of day you reserve for pumping.

    6. OyHiOh*

      Multiple women in my office use the lactation room on a daily basis. Their time is blocked on their personal calendars as well as the calendar for the room. Those women have authority from on high to kick out anyone else using the room if use overlaps their scheduled times and we have a strong culture of not scheduling meetings for them on those time blocks.

      While they don’t run around announcing their facts of life, they’re pretty blunt when they need to. The ones who have seniority have made a practice of pushing back on calendar invites. “That’s my pumping time, I need you to find a different time,” which makes it easier for less senior people to know they can push back as well.

      You might need to actively participate in setting the company culture around this. “this is my scheduled mom time/family time/pumping time, I can’t meet, please find an alternate time block” and similar.

    7. Esmeralda*

      You’re a parent and you know your schedule intimately.

      Nobody else knows your schedule. Nobody. BTDT. Even if they love you and think you’re a fabulous employee/coworker. Unless it’s your own assistant or secretary, there is zero reason for anytime else to have your schedule at the forefront of their minds.

      Block off your calendar so that everyone knows you can’t meet then. If someone schedules over your pumping time, turn down the invite and tell them you have a standing obligation at that time everyday and cannot move it. If they press, say “it’s my pumping time. “ (I always just said that right out when I first got the invite, but you can do it as the second step)

      If you have to leave at 4:30 every day, make sure your calendar reflects that.

      It’s worthwhile to confirm your hours with your boss. If there are folks you meet with often, you could then share your schedule with them, with a “just a heads up, my schedule is different now that I’m back from maternity leave”.

      But you kinda need to knock off that shoulder-chip — yeah, you’re a parent/new parent, but that is just not priority number one for anyone but you, and you need to make it easy for others to know and work with your schedule.

  36. rosie in london*

    Ah, the politics of office grocery shopping… I’ve come in as an office manager for a smaller office of a much larger company. Previously, the office management was done mostly by an IT guy who stepped up to help, and is still in the office. I hate to say it, but the staff really took advantage of this guy. We use a grocery delivery service to stock the kitchen, and he clearly just bought whatever people asked for, including alcohol, out of fear that people would be mad at him if he didn’t (his words – he is clearly very afraid of confrontation and will interpret someone asking him a question as “yelling” at him). Everyone gets their preferred cereal, snack, etc, so our office of 15 employees has 15 different boxes of cereal, 15 different bags of crisps, you get the idea. One guy gets oat milk AND almond milk. Another has thrown away full containers of yoghurt if they’re not the “right” brand. No one has shared any dietary restrictions with me, so it’s not like I’m buying more to accommodate for nut allergies or anything.

    We have a budget of £50 per day that I think a lot of people saw as a goal rather than an upper limit. I came onboard and upper management told me to shut this down. There’s still a budget for treats, but they suggested that I instead get a mixed box of cookies, brownies, doughnuts etc, rather than taking individual orders for bougie desserts. I’m talking tiramisu, creme brulee… and the office is growing so this will just keep getting more out of hand.

    We’re trying to keep things in line with the offerings at our larger European HQ, where employees get free breakfast and lunch, as well as fruit and healthy snacks, but if you want chocolate, crisps, etc you have to buy it from a vending machine. The HQ canteen serves dessert on Friday so management wants to keep desserts to once a week in my office.

    But how do I handle moving towards this… without being seen as the evil office wench who swooped in and took away the goodies? It doesn’t help that I also do HR and am currently the only woman in the office. I have the “management said so” backup, but I think this office has gotten used to being spoiled.

    Of course, I fully expect all these £6-flat-white types to eat supermarket cakes if they’re free, but I digress.

    1. DisneyChannelThis*

      Blame management. Approach as you hate this too, oh man can’t believe we have to match HQ pattern for snacks. Redirect all the anger/blame/hangry moods to management. It’ll keep things smoother for you. And it is the fact, HQ says no more endless snacks at 1000/month. Present it more as a this has happened we are offering this and this now. I would probably not take any requests even little ones for a month or two. I would make a clear policy/plan in writing that you can refer people to, if your bosses are cool with it.

      Also good luck with IT cant say no guy, that seems like a nightmare waiting to happen if he’s in charge of setting up passwords,managing access, blocking websites, etc.

      1. DisneyChannelThis*

        Also for messaging – setting it up as a “healthy living initiative” might give you some mileage against the I want my tiramisu crowd. HQ wants to promote healthy living so our free snack options are now XYZ etc.

        1. it's me*

          I’ve heard this is the route our parent company went when they took chocolate and other less healthy things off the offerings list.

    2. Educator*

      I would explain that the change is coming, and why. Lining up with HQ makes sense. Things changing as your team grows does too.

      Then I would send out one very official survey asking for dietary restrictions just to make absolutely sure none exist, and to ask for general preferences if that would help you choose things and build some buy-in (at the level of “sweet snacks or salty?” and “sandwiches or salads?,” not individual orders).

      And then I would not take one single individual request, because once you do it for one person, you will be doing it for everyone again. Just say “we have a set grocery list now based off of the survey” and refuse to debate it.

      Custom dessert orders are so wildly outside the norm!

    3. talos*

      The above comments are good, but do also make sure to check in after a few weeks of the new system and make sure people are generally happy and don’t have specific complaints.

      I’m vegetarian and occasionally a person just…does. not. know. how to buy food for me (the big one being that meatless salads and sandwiches contain basically no calories, and some people seem to not realize this). So make sure that when you satisfy dietary restrictions, you do so in a useful way and people are not unsatisfied with the non-personalized food they receive.

  37. What's her face*

    In the name of salary transparency, I shared my salary with a current coworker. she is much more tenured than I am, yet my salary was $10k above hers. She’d long suspected she was underpaid but this really confirmed it. I obviously like my higher salary, but it gives me the icky feelings about a lengthy future with this company. If you could predict the future, how would you see this playing out long term? Will the next person in be higher than me? Will it ever even out?

    1. Prospect Gone Bad*

      This can be good but it overlaps with so many other aspects. For example, everyone on my team is “Business Analyst” but some can do amazing things in Tableau and Python and others just do pivot tables. Some find opportunities and some only find small errors here and there. Not everyone is the same and their pay should be different. Being there for 20 years doesn’t make them worth more money. That’s what their existing salary is for.

    2. Qwerty*

      I’d watch how things play out with her though that depends on whether she says anything or just looks for a new job. The media hype about the “great recession” is starting to shine a light that longer term employees tend to get paid less than new employees coming in at market rate. If you are in a male-dominated space, hearing that your coworker is underpaid might prompt them to do a general equality analysis.

      My last two companies did evaluations to even out pay and bring longer-tenured employees up to the rates the new hires were getting. Both of them had grown from <100 employess to 250+ employees and there was a really big pay disparity as result. One of them got rid of COLA and merit increases all together in favor of a general market adjustment for "what would pay to hire this person now", which worked really well and freed us from percentage increases.

      I guess my point is there is hope, but someone has to shine a light on this. Discovering the inequity is what kicked off the process at one of those companies – a female employee was mentioned her pay level as one of the reasons she was frustrated at not getting a promotion, the HR rep looked into why it was lower than recent male hires and discovered that all of the long-tenured employees were paid less than their newer peers, triggering an overall evaluation for everybody.

  38. Grace*

    I’ve seen some discussions about this issue before, so hopefully the folks here can help resolve the problem before it gets to the point where anyone would be writing in about it. I’m in charge of buying matching T-shirts for our organization. We’re a tiny nonprofit organization and I know everyone who’d be getting one, so the current plan is that everyone tells me what size they want (possibly through Google Forms), and I place the order and pass the shirts out when they arrive. I know this isn’t optimal, but given that I do need to pass the shirts out when they arrive, I don’t see a better option.

    The seller we’re currently looking at, who I’ve gotten good products from in the past, goes up to men’s 4XL (33 length, 28 width)/women’s 3XL (30 length, 28 width) and down to men’s Youth XS (20.5 length, 16 width)/women’s XS (23.5 length, 16 width). Is this an acceptable size range? If not, what sources are available that go further than that, don’t have an order minimum, and are cheap and decent-quality (our current candidate will run us $25/shirt, and that is about the top of our price range)?

      2. ursula*

        Just a note that for plus sizes especially, there can be HUGE variation in what a 1x, 2x, 3x etc actually is – so your fat coworkers will probably need to know what brand you intend to order from so they can check the measurements in the size guide. If you’re at all concerned about whether everyone will be easily caught by this size range, definitely make sure you include a link to the actual shirts you plan to order when you survey them for sizes.

          2. Melina*

            But they are fat? We are making words dirty and bad when they dont need to be. Nothing wrong with saying skinny or slender, so fat or large shouldnt be a problem either.

            1. Fat and Fine*

              And as a fat person, I would very much prefer a factual use of the word fat. I. Am. Fat. That is just a fact. Using euphemisms like large when you mean fat make me feel I should be ashamed of my size, and I refuse to be.

              You can feel however you want about the word, and you don’t have to use it. But shaming others for using the factually accurate term is unfair, unkind and unhelpful.

              1. Gigi*

                ^All. Of. This.^

                Fat is not an insult, it’s a description. Unfunny, boring, unkind…all these are insults. Let’s stop putting people’s bodies in that category.

          4. Dark Macadamia*

            It’s literally just a description, which is relevant to the conversation. I’m fat, how is it shaming me to say it? How is it ignorant to acknowledge it? (No, I’m not “body positive” and I would not appreciate someone calling me fat to my face, but that’s because it’s rude to comment on people’s bodies, period, not because it’s bad to be fat)

            1. Dark Macadamia*

              Should’ve added: it’s fine to not like that word, but your comment makes it sound like the phrasing is objectively wrong and Ursula is a bad person for saying it, when obviously there are different opinions on the matter. It’s fine to stay you’d prefer they say “plus size” or that you find it offensive, but don’t try to speak for everyone, especially in a time when there is so much activism surrounding that word and how we talk about body size.

          5. JimmyJab*

            It’s not universally considered shaming. Lots of fat folks (myself included) describe themselves that way.

          6. Marna Nightingale*

            I am also team “that is the correct term, please don’t act like something I very obviously am is a dirty word” …

            with the caveat that not everyone who needs a larger shirt is in fact fat. Some are incredibly tall, unreasonably jacked, or have, um, vast tracts of land, or all three. Or one or more of the above AND is fat.

            So in this particular case, “coworkers who need larger sizes” probably is the way to go, but not because fat is a dirty word.

            And I also want to put in a good word for my short and extremely slightly build friends, who find it hard to exude professionalism when they are handed a shirt they could invite two friends into and spend the day feeling as if they were wearing a branded blankie.

          7. bunniferous*

            I’m fat. I’m not offended by the word. As long as it’s not used in the commission of an insult I really don’t care.

    2. Bagworm*

      I know this doesn’t answer your question but I just wanted to suggest you consider using the terms straight and tailored instead of men’s and women’s. They are tailoring terms but remove gender from the equation and can help a lot of people feel more comfortable. I only know about it because we having been working on it at our work right now.

      It’s great that you are working to include all sizes and I hope you find a good answer. Please feel free to disregard my unsolicited suggestion.

      1. CootersGarage*

        Tailored isn’t the same as a women’s shirt though. There are tailored men’s shirts and they tend to be reverse triangle. Women’s shirt are hourglass shaped. A women’s straight cut is usually a triangle shale for more of a tunic flow.

        It’s ok to call the shirt cuts what they are.

        1. Moryera*

          I’ve heard the word “fitted” thrown about instead of “tailored” as a non-gendered term for what we’d usually consider a women’s shirt, if that one makes more sense.

      2. Observer*

        I just wanted to suggest you consider using the terms straight and tailored instead of men’s and women’s. They are tailoring terms but remove gender from the equation

        Please do NOT consider this suggestion, because in THIS context, gender is a relevant issue. As @CootersGarage notes, tailored and straight are different for men and women.

        1. Bagworm*

          I admit that I am not a tailor so if I have the wrong terms or the ones I suggested are not accurate, I appreciate the correction. However, clothes do not have gender so gender is not a relevant issue and assigning gender to certain styles perpetuates stereotypes about how certain genders should dress and full out excludes people who are non-binary.

          As was mentioned in another comment, provide the dimensions of the shirts and allow people to pick the ones that fit their body and style.

          I do appreciate your sharing your thoughts but I’ll bow out now since I don’t want to derail the conversation further.

          1. Observer*

            Clothes don’t have a gender, but the biological gender of IS relevant to the fit of the (gender-less) clothes. There is no need to obscure that fact.

            The words are not being used to describe STYLES but FIT. That’s not about stereotypes and societal gender norms. It’s about relatively typical body shapes.

          2. Despachito*

            How do you say in a non-stereotyped way that fitted t-shirts for women would usually need extra space for breasts, unlike those for men?

            But to provide the dimensions and let people choose is a good idea.

    3. CootersGarage*

      I’m not sure why you think it’s problematic to pass out shirts the shirts in person honestly, and I’m a woman’s 3X/Mens2X

      As for the range, that’s pretty accommodating but if it will be acceptable depends on your coworkers. If the shirts have to be worn and you get a Google doc order outside your range, you’ll need to find a solution for them.

      1. londonedit*

        This is how we approached it when we did a special order of running vests for my running club (it was to commemorate a particular event so they were slightly different from the usual vests available to order through the club, and for one reason or another required a different supplier). The size range was fairly broad but sports manufacturers are notorious for assuming anyone who runs is lithe and athletic, so there were a few people who contacted the club and said hey, those sizes aren’t going to work for me. So we asked anyone who wanted a vest outside of the size range to let us know, and we found a separate supplier for those. It was more expensive for the club, but it was also important that everyone who wanted one of the commemorative vests could have one.

      2. Observer*

        If the shirts have to be worn and you get a Google doc order outside your range, you’ll need to find a solution for them.

        Yes. Very much this.

        Either you’ll need to find a different vendor, or you’ll have to special order. But you simply cannot mandate that something be worn then refuse to provide the item because someone is “too fat”

        1. Despachito*

          I see the practical issue to be:we have a vendor who suits us in terms of prices and quality, but we will only know whether we can use him after we collect the sizes from people and see whether they are within the offered range.

    4. Llellayena*

      I highly recommend including the size chart with measurement in inches (or cm if you’re not in the US) when you ask for sizes so people can choose their size off of something other than S/M/L… I ordered a M for one of these things once and I swear it came in as a size 00, and I wasn’t the only woman with that issue (men were fine). I looked at the size chart from the company after and I would have had to order an XL.

    6. Snow Globe*

      The thing missing from that size chart (and honestly most T shirt makers, so you probably can’t do much about it) is Tall sizes. My husband is XLT and my son is LT, and it is so hard to get shirts that fit – XL isn’t long enough and XXL is way too wide. Occasionally when my husband was with an organization that did “team” shirts, he’s buy a plain XLT shirt in the right color and give it to a friend who does shirts using a cri-cut to have the logo put on.

    7. Qwerty*

      If you are planning to hold onto sizes for future orders and this isn’t just a one off, a form that I received once gave a sample size chart and gave people the option of entering a men/unisex size AND a women’s size, with a final question asking which cut they preferred. Most of the guys only filled out the guy field, but it gave a fallback for if we could only do a unisex run of shirts and some women prefer men’s cuts.

      If it’s a one off, probably best to send out the size charts and have an field for people to indicate if that brand won’t work so you can follow up with them. I love that you have options for youth size included

      1. HBJ*

        This is a good idea! Once, someone ordered shirts for a group I was in and asked for sizes. We were all women, so I asked if they were going to be women’s cut or unisex. I was told women’s, so I gave that size, which is one size larger than my unisex size. They ended up ordering unisex, so I was stuck wearing a baggy shirt. It happened again the next year. :(

    8. Marna Nightingale*

      Since you have been smart and gotten the measurements as well as the sizes, and since it’s a tiny org, is there an option to just email everyone all the measurements and say “if this won’t work for you can you let me know and I’ll look into other vendors?”

    9. MaryLoo*

      Keep in mind that the circumference of the shirt, which would be twice the width quoted by the vendor, is NOT equal to the circumference of the person. Clothing has “ease”, the amount of extra room that allows a garment to be worn without being skin-tight. For example, if a person with a 40 inch chest measurement buys a shirt that the vendor lists as 20-inch width, that shirt will fit the person as tight as a leotard, because they didn’t allow for ease.

      Ask the vendor for body measurements for each size. These will be different than the length and width of the shirt. If the vendor measured the shirts and sent you the measurements, telling your workers those measurements will cause confusion. Many people won’t realize that the “width” quoted by the vendor is half of the circumference. And even if they do, unless they’re people who sew or are knowledgeable about clothing fits, you are likely to end up with lots of people whose shirts are too small.

      Ask the vendor for sample sizes so people can see them and try on if necessary. You can send the samples back to be included in the print run.

      I don’t see a problem with passing out the shirts. You’ll just need to sort them by yourself ahead of time. Roll up each shirt and attach a paper with the person’s name, held on with a rubber band. This avoids having to call out “Susie, you ordered a large” as you search through the pile. Also avoids having to ask “Susie, what size did you order?” in front of everybody.

  39. Sandy*

    I have been so frustrated in the past weeks, and I am trying to imagine a better world.

    I have been working with a big team on a huge project at work. It was always going to be a huge lift, but there is one person making everyone’s life miserable.

    He doesn’t have the skills, he doesn’t have the background, meetings upon meetings get derailed by him, he comes up with make-work projects for the team so that he can be seen as “leading” them, he edits group documents like itineraries and roles and responsibilities to give himself puffed-up titles (the latest was Senior Strategic Advisor on Strategic Issues”), etc.

    It’s been at least as much work managing him as it has been trying to get the project move forward.

    I know that this is hardly an isolated case, and that many of us have had our own versions of this scenario play out in our workplaces.

    Fantasize with me: What would your job look like on the day to day with this kind of behaviour just magically deleted, deus ex machina-style?

    1. Prospect Gone Bad*

      Wow I feel your pain, it’s sort of tied into my comment below about software testing. She is a nightmare to deal with with similar things you said, and our mutual boss either doesn’t see it or doesn’t care. She is always shooting around pointless texts and emails and doesn’t take a hold of any of her work. It all runs more smoothly when she’s not there.

    2. Gigi*

      I think it looks like a workplace where the supervisor knows the difference between conduct issues and performance issues and handles it accordingly. What you’re describing sounds like a mix to me, and I would probably counsel him on inflating his title, including laying out the consequences of his behavior and the potential actions I’ll take if he doesn’t change it. And I would also try and get him the training he needs to be able to do the job better. It’s stunning to me how many managers don’t do this. You don’t even mention a manager here, which leads me to believe they’re either non-existant or useless.

    3. Firefighter (Metaphorical)*

      My job without incompetent/arrogant people? It. Would. Be. Heaven. Smart, thoughtful people mainly in their offices or classrooms, occasionally converging on the tea room for a chat about That Thing which turns into informal brainstorming which turns into someone calling That Other Unit to see if we understand their processes around That Thing correctly, before figuring out a solution and taking it to the manager (me), who is not having to spend all her effing time fighting fires started by arrogant & incompetent people and is thus free to make sure the suggestion is acted upon.

      Every month or two we would all get together in a Covid-safe way to brainstorm bigger ideas, decide on strategy, and decide who is going to do the pilot/scoping exercises to check out the feasibility of a new plan, or who is going to write the business case for the resources that we need for the plans.

      Sigh.

  40. FJ*

    I’m interviewing for some new roles – both senior level individual contributor and manager of a small team. I know asking prospective employers about “what’s your management style” is kinda useless. It turned out at my last job that the position advertised “setting priority and making strategic decisions” but the boss ended up just wanting project manager to do whatever the boss decided on.

    Does anyone have any magic questions that help understand management styles and work cultures? I have been trying “What happened the last time you and your boss/team had a disagreement about a priority?” which seems pretty good but not a great way to filter out everything.

    1. one L lana*

      I generally find pretty open-ended descriptive questions to be, paradoxically, more helpful at getting information that I want, because a sharper question might nudge them toward telling you what you want to hear. “How do you handle it if a competing priority comes up?” “Tell me about the process you use to prioritize your project.” “Can you tell me a little more about how a project goes from conception to execution, and who’s involved? I know every company is a little different.”

    2. NewJobNewGal*

      I ask directly, “How often do you have meetings with your team?” or “How frequently do you check in with your team?” That will give you an idea if they are a micromanager.

  41. one L lana*

    Wrapped up my performance review cycle as a manager today. Because I am a terrible procrastinator, I left the worst one for last — someone who started the review period really struggling, has been on a good trajectory, but still isn’t meeting expectations for their role. (They started the review period new on my team with process issues and work product issues. The process has improved a lot. The work product isn’t there yet.)

    I was very nervous about this one because it was the most straightforwardly “needs improvement” reviews I have ever written. Ultimately, it was one of the most honest, meaningful and productive conversations I have had as a manager.

    On my boss’s suggestion, I made sure they had the written review 24 hours before and then let them open the conversation by telling me how they think the last six months went. This was really helpful and started us off on the right foot. We went nearly an hour and had a thoughtful retrospective on what went wrong in the past six months and a good conversation about what they’re going to do going forward. It definitely helped that I was able to honestly say that I had seen a lot of progress from them.

    I really struggle with straightforward negative feedback and this is a good reminder that people really do want to know where they stand. (I had a frustrating experience with my boss, who gave some pretty sharp constructive feedback in my written review and then kept saying “You’re great, none of this is really a problem!” when we met in person.) I’m hoping that having had this good experience makes it easier to do this going forward.

    1. WantonSeedStitch*

      I sympathize. It’s hard giving that kind of feedback, just as it’s hard receiving it! I feel more comfortable when I stick to a formula of “name the thing that you’ve observed, discuss the impact it has on the work/other people, state expectations for what you want to see going forward, and check to make sure the person understands and is willing to make the change.” Having that formula makes it easier for me to frame things in a professional and unambiguous way.

      1. one L lana*

        That formula has been really helpful to me, too!

        In this case, what helped was using a large part of the review document to clearly detail all the expectations for the job. I was struggling to balance acknowledgment of the improvement we had seen with the fact that doing the basics OK most of the time is not enough for someone with a more senior title/salary (I think this employee was misclassified when they were hired, but it is what it is, since a demotion is not on the table).

        So “We expect senior contributors to X, Y, and Z. Employee is doing a good job at X and making progress on Y. Going forward, we need Employee to keep up the good work on X while doing Y and Z consistently.”

        This felt clear and helpful rather than personal or demotivating, and it’s a technique I will definitely use again.

  42. ETheGOAT*

    My friend’s boss is driving her to work and she feels a bit nervous about it. It’s her first day and she starts after school today. Is this weird? Should she be concerned?

    1. DisneyChannelThis*

      What type of job? In high school I babysat and parents would give me a ride home after often. I usually only did that with people I knew or friends of my parents etc.

    2. Marna Nightingale*

      Man, it would be nice if she could work a few shifts before having to make this call. Does she know anyone else who works for him?

      Meanwhile … can I ask for more info? Which, answering these may answer her question for her.

      1) high school or college/university?

      If she’s in high school, this feels more like reasonable consideration and kindness for a new, young staffer. If it’s university, it’s a bit weirdly paternal — maybe. Depending on more questions:

      2) Is he going out of his way, or is he going to be at or near the school anyway and this is just a casually kind offer?

      Going out of his way is odd. The thing is , it could be “wow this guy is unreasonably great to work for” odd, or it could be “this is gonna get weird, fast” odd. So:

      3) Is this going to be every time, or the first time only?

      If it’s the first time, it’s more likely it’s just the boss trying to start off smoothly and set her up for success.

      3) Is she nervous because she feels as if it might affect their professional relationship to be driving together?

      In which case, keeping any chat on the topic of work is probably the way to go and possibly a good way to gather intel.

      And lastly:

      4) Or is she nervous because she feels like it might get sketchy?

      In which case … if she already has that feeling about the ride, even or maybe especially if it’s a gut feeling she can’t quite verbally justify, she should seriously consider bailing on the job. Nobody needs to be trying to field that crap at work.

      1. ETheGOAT*

        1) high school
        2)they offered and her dad accepted their offer
        3)no
        4)no
        She’s a bit nervous cause she doesn’t know her boss that well and she’s not very social

  43. Kimmy Schmidt*

    I messed up in a “everyone go around and share” type of meeting today, and I’ve been generally down on myself and my work habits lately.

    How do you pull yourself out of a work funk?

    1. Marna Nightingale*

      When possible, I pick out the thing on my to-do list I am most certain I can 100% nail and do it next.

    2. tessa*

      I’d try to figure out what’s driving it. Are you feeling unchallenged by your work? Is it possible you’re depressed? Etc. Good luck and sending you a virtual hug.

  44. Nina*

    What is a good – or at least neutral – way for your boss to react when you’re calling in sick? Or dealing with a (potentially) chronic illness? I need some recalibration. Thanks in advance.

    1. Volunteer Enforcer*

      As a Nina with a chronic illness, I had to wonder if I wrote this one. But I go by a different username.

      Good would be something like: I’m sorry to hear that, hope you feel better soon. When do you think you’ll be able to come back in.

      Neutral would be something like: ok, no worries, when will you return?

    2. WantonSeedStitch*

      The way I react is “Sorry to hear it, thanks for letting me know. Hope you feel better soon. Is there anything that’s due today that I will need to reassign to someone else?” If it’s happening frequently or an absence is extending longer than expected, I might add “you might want to check in with HR to see if this is a case where FMLA–either as a chunk or used intermittently–might apply, since it seems like you might need to take time off more often than is usual with temporary illness.”

    3. something about sharks*

      “Sorry to hear that/Hope you feel better soon. Do you know when you’ll be back?” It’s reasonable for your boss to ask about Covid if you’re in a position where notifying coworkers of exposure might be relevant – your boss shouldn’t be asking you for all the graphic details or sending out your name to everyone, but “do I need to send out a “possible Covid exposure” email, yes/no” would be an okay question. If your workplace has a doctor’s note policy or something like that, it would also be reasonable for your boss to mention “by the way, don’t forget if you’re going to be out for three business days, HR’s going to want a note” (which is not a great policy, but sometimes even great bosses have no authority over that kind of thing). That’s about it. Expression of sympathy, any logistical stuff for this specific call-out, end the call.

      For something chronic, “sorry to hear that, are there any adjustments we’ll need to make long-term?” would be a reasonable conversation to have (FMLA leave or ADA accommodations could potentially come into play), but it should probably be had when you’re actually at work and not when you’re initially calling out. And when you do have that conversation, your boss should accept your answer and go from there instead of trying to tell you what you do/don’t need (hopefully that’s not something you deal with!)

    4. RagingADHD*

      “Thanks for letting me know, feel better. Anything I need to know about [relevant urgent thing happening today]?”

    5. Educator*

      As a manager:
      -I try to respond ASAP so they are not left wondering if their absence is a big problem when they really just want to go back to bed. I let them text, because it is 2022 and I trust them.
      -I am always very careful not to express any frustration, displeasure, etc. It may be inconvenient to have an employee out because I need to think about coverage, adjust deadlines, etc. But that is my job as a manager–I am literally paid more to do it. No one is to blame for being sick!
      -I express sympathy and tell them that I hope they feel better soon, because we are humans who care about each other. With some, I remind them not to work while they are on PTO.
      -I ask any truly urgent work questions. The bar for urgent is high.
      -Unless we are following a quarantine protocol, I don’t try to make them give a timeline for return because honestly, my employees are not doctors and I cannot reasonably expect them to predict the course of their illness. They know to tell me if they are going to need another day or longer.

  45. Tina Belcher's Less Cool Sister*

    Any tips for dealing with an odorous office – specifically, fart smell? I have an office with a door but the walls are so thin (and/or not connected to the actual building) and I’ve noticed my (very wonderful) office neighbor sometimes has flatulence issues that end up wafting into my office. I don’t want anything with a heavy scent, but I’d rather smell something nice than farts all afternoon :(

    1. Volunteer Enforcer*

      Ask the coworker directly, could be something medical. Ask if you can move offices, or add an air-freshener. Ask your boss if you feel stuck (or the farting coworkers boss if it’s a different person).

      1. very anon for this*

        I don’t know if asking the farter directly about this would help. What are you hoping to learn from doing so?

      2. Educator*

        Asking someone if they have a medical issue based on the symptoms you observe is not ok. They are entitled to their privacy. No one chooses to have digestive issues, and not everyone can make them go away.

        I would focus on how to manage the impact on you–sealing the cracks, requesting a move, getting some charcoal smell neutralizers for near the door, closing a vent if you can, or popping on a mask.

      3. Tina Belcher's Less Cool Sister*

        I am absolutely not going to bring this up to my manager. There is nowhere else to move, nor does this rise to the level of a serious issue. I’m not going to talk to my coworker about a perfectly normal bodily function.

        I’m just looking for tips I can implement in a minimally invasive way to make my day a little more pleasant!

      4. Not A Raccoon Keeper*

        Yeah, as a former undiagnosed celiac who farted many smells for many years until I got a diagnosis, please don’t do this!

    2. Marna Nightingale*

      You can get various deodorizers based on activated charcoal and keep them around. They have no scent and work very well.

      Also, not to be too indelicate, but it’s definitely them? Because if there’s a possibility that the methane is coming from a non-sentient source, that’s a safety issue that needs checking out.

    3. DisneyChannelThis*

      Baking soda neutralizes odor without adding a new smell. Some of the boxes of it are designed for air freshening purposes, discreet and easy to have in office.

    4. Choggy*

      Situate a fan so that all odors that waft in are directed away from you, that might alleviate some of the issue.

    5. No More Odor*

      Hollister M9 Odor Eliminator Spray, used in medical settings but also available on Amazon.

      From an article about it, “One option is to “cover up the odor with a heavy fragrance. That’s the method typically employed by the aerosol sprays you see in your local drugstore. The other way is to destroy the odor through a chemical reaction, “converting it to an odorless form.” This is how M9 works. “

      1. mymotherwasahamster*

        This is a weirdly interesting description. I’m so curious about its specific medical applications!

    6. Not A Raccoon Keeper*

      Maybe a good excuse to get a HEPA filter in your office? COVID and fart double smack down?

  46. Here we go again*

    How do I push back against mandatory meetings on my day off where I must commute 3 hours round trip for a 2 hour meeting that could be condensed into a 1 hour zoom? It’s a corporate policy where everyone in my position must participate in these meetings. Hundreds of people. We are not paid hourly or reimbursed for our mileage. It’s something that must be claimed on our taxes. I must go on my day off, so it’s also an extra day of daycare. This just seems like too much of a PITA to justify half my day off to sit in a meeting that could be 1 hour over zoom.

    1. Alton Brown's Evil Twin*

      Does this relate to a legally-mandated aspect of your business? (Security training for Pentagon contractors, Sarbanes-Oxley, banking/financial regs, etc.). If so, I think it’s going to be a lot harder to push back. The best you could get in the future is having them offer more than one session.

      The mileage thing sucks, and any reasonable employer would give you reimbursement as a matter of course for that.

    4. Aspiring Chicken Lady*

      The day off thing is an issue — are you getting comp time or OT?

      The travel thing, may be something you need to just accept, assuming that this is not a frequent occurrance.

      The company has decided everyone needs to show up and they think it’s important. Are all of these hundreds of people normally remote? Or is an ordinary day for them?

      1. Here we go again*

        No it’s retail higher end retail involving large purchases paid on commission. I can’t switch my days off because they offer other times for this training and I’d have to go on my day off. It’s not really about going on my day off it’s more the mileage and time suck with the long commute. Plus paying for the extra day of childcare.

  47. MeowMeowBeautiful*

    This might not be so much of a question as it is a gripe, but I am curious to know what others think. A colleague who does company-wide training a couple of times a year always starts his meetings 5 minutes late, apparently to account for people who might be running late.

    I can see waiting a minute or two if it’s clear that not everyone is there, or if critical players are absent, but he literally builds in a powerpoint slide that says “The meeting will start at 9:05”.

    Those of us who are on time have to sit around for 5 extra minutes while we wait for him to start. I just found out that another person in his department is also doing the “start at 5-after” thing, and I’m wondering if this is some hot new trend or if I am justified in being annoyed by it.

    2. OneTwoThree*

      I’ve found it to be pretty common to have a 5 min buffer for large training-type meetings. Sometimes there is an obvious waiting period (like what your co-worker is doing) or sometimes you can tell that the host is killing time by making announcements that don’t really matter or relate to the training.

    3. Put the Blame on Edamame*

      I would be “flames… flames on the side of my head” if I had to deal with this. Incredibly annoying.

      1. MeowMeowBeautiful*

        Haha, thank you for feeling my pain! It would be one thing if he told us ahead of time that the meeting wouldn’t start until X:05, but it’s almost like a punishment for people who are early or on time to have to sit and wait an extra 5 minutes.

      2. EJ*

        I fully agree!! It makes me crazy that society caters to rude latecomers and punishes those who are on time!

    4. Paris Geller*

      I mean if it annoys you that much just start arriving at 9:04?

      But honestly yes I think is incredibly common. It’s five minutes, not fifteen. Five minutes is well within the range of time people’s watches/clocks might be set a few minutes differently.

      1. MeowMeowBeautiful*

        For sure! I will aim to remember that next time, but I just have never seen anyone else do the planned 5-minute wait like that. As someone who did several years of Toastmasters, I tend to be a stickler for things starting and ending on time. I have to remind myself that not everyone feels the same.

    6. Qwerty*

      It’s pretty normal for big group trainings. Maybe it’s more noticable if its virtual? During an in person version of this people would be making small talk with each other or ducking out for a quick bathroom break or grabbing a last minute cup of coffee. Virtual meetings tend to just be awkwardly waiting – the only feedback I’d give him would be to maybe talk about something not important for those few minutes or send people to breakout rooms for small talk to fill the void.

      1. MeowMeowBeautiful*

        True! I think it irks me more since it is virtual, and he mutes his mic during that time, so those of us on the call can’t hear the folks in the room chatting or whatever. If I was there in person I probably would just get up for a bio break, or talk to someone to kill that time.

        1. Hlao-roo*

          When I’ve joined virtual meetings at the stated start time and the organizer has said “we’ll start at 5 after,” I usually go to the bathroom or answer some emails or read an AAM article to kill the time.

    7. BellyButton*

      I blame the culture of people arriving late, not the trainer who knows how annoying it is for people to show up late. I also tend to schedule my training to start at 15 after the hour to allow people who end a meeting at 9 am to arrive by 9:15. I keep a close eye on attendance and if over half the people aren’t there by the start time I will wait 2-5 minutes.

    8. Irish Teacher*

      I’m Irish; heck, I’m reasonably happy if a meeting only starts 5 minutes late. In fact, when our principal was about 5 minutes late for a meeting, he was practically boasting about how he likes to start on time (then looking at the clock, added “or at least close to it”) because then we could finish up early.

      Online, 5 minutes is more standard; in person, it practically counts as early (but then I AM from a country that was late to its own establishment; seriously, there is a famous story about the British leading telling the Irish leader off for being late to the handover of power), so this may be different elsewhere.

    9. Ginger Pet Lady*

      Had a coworker once who always said “meetings will begin promptly at 9:57” for a 10 am meeting. Always 3 minutes early.
      Didn’t work, annoyed everyone.

    10. Dark Macadamia*

      I don’t think the waiting is unreasonable, but having it planned to the point of making a slide kind of highlights it in a way that makes it annoying. I have no problem with a verbal “we’re just going to give it a minute for everyone to arrive” but the slide would make me feel like “oh. so you lied about the meeting time ” lol

    11. linger*

      Not really a problem, as long as the meeting also (i) has a scheduled end time, and (ii) finishes before that time. Finishing on the dot, or late, makes late starts necessary for everyone.

    12. Cacofonix*

      I run Project management training. We start on time. About 5 minutes in, after intros and objectives, I explain that sessions and return from breaks start promptly. The way project meetings always should. “As project managers, I know you’ll appreciate that.”

      No excuse for training in particular not to begin within a couple of minutes from stated start time. As a consultant, I found this to be true in many orgs, and was especially appreciated when the culture was otherwise laissez-faire, so I’d argue that “this is normal in my org” type comments have a lot people who bristle at it. Meetings, on the other hand, when key senior people who haven’t yet joined might be more at their mercy.

  48. Goldilocks*

    Does anyone have experience on how to get short hair up and off the neck while working? I’m the type of person who pulls my hair up to think. However, my hair isn’t long enough for a comfortable ponytail so some days it really pulls at my temples and gives me a headache. Claws are worse at this length because it falls out and doesn’t have enough to grab too. I can use a little claw to gathering the top half, but its the bottom layers that really drive me nuts when I’m trying to concentrate.

    My hair is in the awkward in between state where it is long enough to get in the way but too short to effectively gather up. Above the shoulders, below the chin, basically at the length where the bottom layer starts fighting with your coat collar. It’ll be a few weeks until I can get it cut due to scheduling (or a few months to grow it back out if I give up on short hair)

    1. aubrey*

      I wore a lot of headbands at this stage of growing out short hair. Like the soft stretchy ones that are a full circle, so they hold the hair off your neck as well. Alternatively, ponytail/claw with a whole bunch of bobby pins to hold up all the parts that don’t stay up. I didn’t really like how it looked in either of these options, but at least I could get it off my face and neck.

      I remind myself of this hair stage whenever I get the impulse to have short hair again haha. The worst!

      1. BookMom*

        Second full circle fabric headbands. That got me through the awkward growing out stage during COVID. The “lift” off my nape made all the difference. Now I’m in a claw most of the time and just take it out for Zoom calls.

    2. The New Wanderer*

      My hair is about that length most of the time. I use wide headbands if I need my hair pulled back but can’t do a ponytail. Tighter headbands if I’m working out, looser if I just need it back or will be keeping it like that for longer than an hour. Not sure if this is something I would do for in-person work, but it’s great for WFH.

      For an office look, I can just about do a French twist when my hair is that above-shoulders length, the trick is getting the clips or pins in just the right places.

    3. Cyndi*

      When I had a haircut go wrong and my hair was too short for my taste, sounds like right about where yours is, I just did the stubby little ponytail and octopus clipped it to the back of my head to hold the ponytail together and disguise the stubbiness until it grew out. (I did have some breakage/damage issues from literally never going outside with my hair down for three months, so bear that in mind, but I really did hate the haircut that much.)

    4. Minimal Pear*

      Oh man I’ve been there and I also do the “pulling my hair up to think better” thing! If you can get a bit casual, I love bandanas for this. They don’t need to be actual bandanas, but a nice scarf of about that size can be tied in a few different ways that keep hair off your neck.

      1. Minimal Pear*

        Oh, also French braids! Might have to do two when your hair is short, which can also read pretty casual, but I really like them for avoiding headaches while getting my hair to stop being annoying.

    5. just another queer reader*

      I’m not sure if it would read as professional enough, but pigtails or two braids down the sides of your head might work with your hair length.

    7. Not A Raccoon Keeper*

      UGH I am here right now too! Solidarity. My most annoying spot is the hair around my ears – it takes a few pins on either side to keep them up, and then the pins are like… in the middle of the side of my head, which looks weird if I leave the house? I had an undercut and haven’t had to deal with it for the last 7+ years, and it’s 50/50 whether I’ll make it through the next 2 months until it reaches my ponytail, or if I’ll just rage-shave an undercut one morning.

      My actual recommendation is multiple ponys, like Jasmine from Aladdin, or two space buns, or, my best, two space buns and a pony at the back to capture all that hair at the back. My other recommendation is to work from home so no one sees this, ever.

  49. ScruffyInternHerder*

    In the vast stretch between humor and ire, this week I hit a first:

    I told a recruiter straight off.

    There is nothing on my LinkedIn or any other social media to indicate that I’m job searching or open to work, because I’m honestly quite happy at all aspects of my employment situation.

    Somehow this out of state third party recruiter got ahold of my workplace issued cellphone number and called me in the middle of the day to yell at me for not responding to the email that he’d sent me (???? I have no email from him) and ignoring his LinkedIn messages, and that we was going to pull the job offer he had pending for me. Now considering he used the name that I use on LinkedIn, and not the name that I use for normal everyday work related, that’s where he pulled my information from.

    I’m sorry, but what in the actual ever living fvck?

    And I’m not sorry, that is EXACTLY what I asked him. Along with “what the he!! kind of recruiter are if you’re preparing JOB OFFERS for people who haven’t applied and haven’t even interviewed?!?!”

    The.Audacity.Stupidity.OMGWTF of it all.

    1. Eldritch Office Worker*

      Wow, that’s insane. Are you sure it was a legitimate recruiter and not a scam? How did he respond?

      1. ScruffyInternHerder*

        I did locate his messages on LinkedIn….and could go either way?

        His response, of course, was to double down. Mine was, of course, to hang up because I lack the patience to deal with this brand of nonsense today!

    2. Irish Teacher*

      This reminds me of the phonecall I got from a phone company INSISTING I should buy a particular phone, even when I told them I was happy with the phone I had and that the “great deal” they were offering me was more than what I was currently paying. I don’t know why I didn’t cut them off – I think I was just too stunned – but after insisting I hear their patter, they then asked WHY I wasn’t interested (this was after I’d told them I was a) happy with my phone and b) paying less currently than they were offering) in a principal to student “why have you not done your homework?” tone and asked me “but what if your phone broke? Wouldn’t you need a new one then and this deal won’t be available!” Um…even then, I would not be looking for a deal that charges me MORE than I am currently paying for no extra benefits and insists I buy a phone I have never heard of without the chance to look at it or consider any other options.

      I reported them to their company, largely because I was worried about younger or vulnerable people being targetted. I think at 18 or 20, I would have found it quite hard to say no to “you must buy this phone or give me a detailed reason as to why.” I PROBABLY wouldn’t have bought it, but would have been upset and confused by the whole thing. Didn’t get any satisfaction from the company, who deliberately misunderstood my complaint as “I wasn’t offered a phone I’d like to buy”.

  50. Environmental Compliance*

    Has anyone else started running into “remote but not really” jobs on Indeed/LinkedIn? I’ve applied to a few that are listed as “Remote” (and not Remote, Oregon lol) that during the phone screen they have clarified that the position is not remote and would require relocation. One phone screen said they’ve had a few people state that and are investigating why it’s a problem. Just curious if anyone else is also having this issue!

    Separately, I really wish companies would stop tagging the job as remote but then in the description state that it’s 20% work from home IF you’re in Specific City.

    1. Anonymous Educator*

      One phone screen said they’ve had a few people state that and are investigating why it’s a problem.

      Like they’re investigating why they are listing the positions as not remote, but the positions are showing up as “remote” listings on LinkedIn/Indeed?

      Or like they’re investigating why candidates seeing a “remote” position rightly identify as a problem that the position isn’t actually remote?

      1. Environmental Compliance*

        They are looking into why the positions pop up as “remote” when they are tied specifically to an Office in City.

    2. Qwerty*

      I’ve been running into the opposite problem, where it is listed as being in-person but then turns out to be remote and they just wanted to advertise in that city.

      So apparently job postings are just a mess either way? I’d be curious to hear from people who post jobs on whether its the software that’s the issue or a fundamental misunderstanding of remote vs hybrid vs on-site

      1. Environmental Compliance*

        Weird!! Probably both a software issue + misunderstanding “remote”, and possibly also no good way to tag “you’ll be WFH but we only allow this work in XYZ states”?

    3. Minimal Pear*

      My company recently posted some jobs and as one of the people who worked on that: location stuff is just weird right now. Every job posting site has different rules re: how to post remote jobs vs. in person jobs. Posting to the correct location (esp. if there’s some remote stuff involved) has been a pain.
      I can’t give any hard and fast rules but just wanted to let people in this thread know that it is indeed (hah) a problem, both jobs seeming remote when they aren’t, and jobs seeming in person when they’re remote.

      1. Dragon*

        OT, but has your company tried targeting its remote jobs at the nine US states that have no income tax? Would be interesting to hear if that got good results.

    4. Ginger Pet Lady*

      Constantly! Classic bait and switch. 99% of the “remote” jobs I’ve looked into are not truly remote. They *might* have a partial hybrid option. My “favorite” was one advertised as “fully remote” but in the phone screen the truth was “after 6 months of employment, you may work remotely one half day a month.”
      THAT
      IS
      NOT
      FULLY
      REMOTE

      1. linger*

        Indeed, that’s within the rounding error of PTO for many on-site positions.
        So, not remotely “remote” … but in a different post code entirely :-/

    5. Wordybird*

      Yup. This is one of my pet peeves: burying the lede further in the job description about this “remote” job that actually requires you to attend weekly or monthly meetings in person. See also jobs that require you to be bilingual or have a Master’s degree but don’t say so until the last paragraph or two.

      1. Environmental Compliance*

        My least favorite so far has been the “director of compliance” for a Large National Company that the first paragraph was spot on for a director level position… followed by a very confusing second paragraph, which was made more clear in the third paragraph to actually be more entry-level preferring 3 ish years experience and paying <1/2 of what you'd expect a director-level-national-company-responsible-for-a-ton level…. on top of being "remote BUT you'll need to live in this Random Rural City and come in at least once a week to the office" and tagged as Remote / Mid-Senior level.

  51. Lucy P*

    I’ve had 2 interviews since I decided to leave current job. The problem is that the offered salary for both, as well ad most postings I see, is 10,000 less than what I’m making now. Based on salary ranges that I see online, I’m not asking for too much. I think the money is the reason I’ve stayed here so long.
    I don’t know if I’m looking at the wrong type of job or if there’s just a bunch of cheap companies in my area.

    1. cncx*

      I’m in the same boat, I’m literally getting gaslit in interviews asking for what I know is a smack in the middle range for my area and abilities.

      I think companies are just being cheap. In my case I think being a woman in my forties in IT is a big part of it as well.

      One hiring manager literally got offended when I tried negotiating the salary he offered which was the same as the one I had straight out of college 20 years ago.

  52. Prospect Gone Bad*

    Anyone else test software for large changes or new adaptation? This project has been particularly bad. During times when nothing is getting launched, there is a lot of talk of spreadsheets and project plans and Agile vs. Waterfall. But anytime it comes to the actual work, I am getting crap on both ends. The coders keep questioning why I am testing stuff or telling me steps are unnecessary, after putting them in the project plan. They are sending “oh we know that works fine” emails. Well, then what is the point of testing then?

    On the internal side, I’ve never had so much trouble getting adults to do their step in Test. I gave some people 9 months to log in and tell me if they like their screens and can do the basic things they want in test. And guess what, almost no one logged in. Those who did said “it’s fine.” Then I go and test their area and find flaws, which means they didn’t actually do anything.

    I’ve also slightly lost faith in humanity at the amount of “I don’t know what to look at” or “what do I test” and “I don’t know how it works” type emails and comments. I’m basically saying “see the customer list tab? That’s where you pull the customer list. The excel icon means you can download it into excel”

    1. Nikki*

      I’m on the other side of things (software engineer) but I feel your pain! I have no idea why the majority of developers seem so allergic to testing their stuff. It’s such an important part of the development process and we can’t rely completely on QA to test our stuff because that wastes everyone’s time. Luckily in my situation, I have some control over the situation since I’m team lead. I review and approve everyone’s code before it gets deployed and unless they can show me screenshots of their testing, I don’t approve it. Do you have someone on your team, like your manager or a team lead or architect, who can be an ally in this and make sure everyone is actually testing their stuff and getting you everything you need? Cause it sounds like these coders need a lot more push back than they’re currently getting.

      1. Prospect Gone Bad*

        No I don’t have an ally! My management is pretty hands off and not as technical so I’m struggling to find someone to turn to!

        1. Nikki*

          Even if they’re less technical, they must still understand that developers not testing their stuff causes delays and a lot of wasted time on everyone’s part. I would try to bring it up with management from that perspective.

    2. Annoy mouse*

      any chance you can choose / cherry pick your test users on the internal side ? (not sure what the structure of your org is). I’ve been responsible for user testing and not everyone is suitable… some dont bother, or panick over every change. others say things are “fine” no matter how broken. And a precious, cherished few will actually TEST and give documentation and feedback. I loved my beta testers… miss them dearly sometimes now.

  53. BookstoreBiologist*

    Hi everyone! This is the lowest-stakes-imaginable question, but I’ve been thinking about it for a while and wanted an opinion from the AAM commentariat. I’m going to graduate college in May in a field where spreadsheets, especially large ones, to gather data are very common. I’ve found that something that really helps me in not being overwhelmed by the data is making the column headers highlighted in various colors, and color-coding in general (like if I’m looking at data from 1992, 1993, and 1994 I may color every cell/field related to 1992 blue, everything 1993 green, etc. Is there a risk that this is going to come off as unprofessional, especially in places like academia? Would people have any problems with a young employee/researcher doing this? My gut says it absolutely won’t be a problem, but there’s a part of my brain that says it could be seen as infantile or something. Thanks!

    1. Eldritch Office Worker*

      I’m not in academia, but I am in a data heavy job and that seems perfectly fine to me. I think if anything it makes you come off as extra organized. As a collaborator I would love it.

    2. Kimmy Schmidt*

      I work in academia and see (and use) color-coded spreadsheets all the time! If you’re presenting or otherwise sharing your spreadsheet, make sure the colors are accessible, but other than that it should be a non issue.

      1. BookstoreBiologist*

        Thank you both for the responses! These have definitely made me feel better :) The colors I use are the more pastel-toned ones in Google Sheets (4th row down) because the more neon one hurt my eyes, but I’ll definitely make sure to see if they’re accessible and change them if I ever present these to people. Thanks again!

      2. Healthcare Worker*

        I’m also in academia and do this all the time! My colleagues find it very helpful as well. So color code away!

    3. Piper b*

      I work in senior finance role, and I color code every single spreadsheet I work on, and have never had an issue. I’ve been doing it that way for years, and nobody has ever commented on it. I’m sure it might be dependent on your field/company culture, but I think you should be fine!

    4. RagingADHD*

      No, this is very commonly done, although in most work contexts the colors tend to be muted rather than neon. Also, for accessibility make sure you have high contrast between background color and text.

      1. BookstoreBiologist*

        Amazing, thanks for that accessibility tip! I’ve currently been doing the more pastel Google Sheets colors (that fourth row down is super good to me) with black bolded text

      2. CharlieBrown*

        Super hard agree on this. I’m in science, and use color-coded spreadsheets all the time. Most of my colleagues use muted tones and it’s easy on the eyes, but I have a couple that use bright colors and it’s really just too hard on the eyes.

        1. Angstrom*

          The worst are the ones that use eye-popping colors because “they’re easy to see”. True, but they’re impossible to *read*. Bright red text on a bright yellow background is painful.

          I use very subtle background colors in Excel.

      3. Observer*

        A good tip to check for contrast is to print or view the spreadsheet in B&W – you will quickly see what is what re contrast.

    5. OneTwoThree*

      I am also someone who can process information faster if it is color coded. I have a very colorful calendar/ task system. I was also worried about it. In the end, I decided it didn’t matter because that’s what I needed.

      I talked to a couple of my colleagues about how they organize, prioritize, etc. I suspect that they will be able to figure out that’s why my calendar suddenly got colorful if they happened to see my monitor.

      I also rationalized that my outgoing communication, workspace area, etc. weren’t colorful. Those things would help balance the colorful calendar.

    6. Anons*

      There’s a chance it won’t be people’s way of doing things, but that’s part of life. My only suggestion would be to add a tab that’s a key (or something like it). Then others can be certain what the colors are for!

      1. BookstoreBiologist*

        Oooh, a key is such a good idea! Thank you! I was mainly coloring for myself so I didn’t see the need but if I end up presenting it to others I’ll definitely include that :)

        1. Anons*

          I would include a key no matter, both for yourself (a few months away from a data sheet can feel like a century!) and also in case it turns out someone else needs to look at the data. I try to structure every data sheet assuming I’ll completely forget what it was about, and that someone else may have to look at it without my help.

    7. PrincessFlyingHedgehog*

      I think it depends on the specific office setting! I work at a university, and standards on what are “professional” vary a lot from unit to unit.
      I LOVE color coding data, but I’ve found it often doesn’t translate well when I’m presenting to someone else. So if the color coding is just for you, keep on keeping on, but you may need to adapt when collaborating or presenting.

    8. Generic Name*

      Nope! Not unprofessional at all! I think it shows that you are deliberately organizing data in a way that is optimal for you.

    9. BookstoreBiologist*

      To everyone who responded (I’m sorry if people respond after this and I miss them!): thank you so much! It’s so good to get this validation and all the helpful tips, and may we all enjoy our lovely colored data sheets :)

    10. Chaordic One*

      I don’t think this is something that would bother most people and I wouldn’t worry about it. Now, I’m going to derail the thread. Back when I worked in HR, our hiring panels asked applicants for employment-related data in spreadsheet form. Applicants usually uploaded Excel spreadsheets into our online application system. However, the HR hiring panels then wanted print-outs of the spreadsheets. (Applicants weren’t informed of this.) It was my job to print out the spreadsheets, and it usually involved wasting way too much time formatting them so that it was possible to print them out. What a PITA! And even then, they still frequently looked terrible and used a small forest of paper.

    11. linger*

      Just in terms of minimizing ongoing maintenance work, are you formatting fields manually, or applying conditional formatting rules?
      I recommend the latter, but it does mean thinking critically about what you need to use each field for. (This is formatting for professional purposes, and if you can defend your choices on practical grounds, you can’t fear appearing nonprofessional!) For example:
      (i) numerical results categorized for evaluative purposes (e.g. into ‘bad’/’neutral’/’good’ ranges) can use a colour scale, but should be divided into distinct shades by categorical rules (e.g. red/yellow/green, rather than a continuous red>yellow>green spectrum);
      (ii) continuous numerical results can use a continuous colour or intensity scale, but are probably more effectively marked with in-cell data bars.
      Whatever formatting you use, strongly seconding the recommendation to add an explicit key for your own documentation.
      Also, depending on how the document is shared and to whom, you may need to consider the effect of photocopying (colour scales don’t translate well into greyscale, intensity scales translate better but may lose some detail) and/or colourblindness (which again, may force use of single-colour intensity scales/ greyscales rather than colour scales).
      If you’re using different text colours to distinguish years, and this is useful for you but not essential for outside eyes, then use only dark shades of each text colour, to maximize the contrast with cell shading colours (and so that the text all appears dark grey/black and so remains legible when photocopied).

    12. Namenlos*

      It’s very common in finance. I was thrilled when Excel included the option to filter by colour.
      If other people use your spreadsheets make sure no one is colour blind.

  54. noodle noodle*

    Does anyone have any advice for talking to your boss about NOT wanting to be promoted?

    I’m coming up on my first review at a company I’ve been at for about a year. I’m single, childfree, and in my late 20’s – the stereotype of someone who would be very invested in their career. But I also have a disability, and am very much someone who works to live and not vice versa. Is there a way to discuss my future career with this company (that I’m very happy at) essentially saying I’m happy with the role I’m in, and not interested in getting promoted or becoming a manager? I do take my work seriously, and have gotten very positive feedback so far, but I don’t want my manager to think I’m super lazy or not invested in the job. Thoughts?

    1. HIPAA-Potamus*

      I do not have a disability, but I, too, have no interest in managing anyone ever. What I have managed to achieve, though, is becoming a subject matter expert within my role and on my team. I would not reveal that you never want to be promoted or even use language such as, “I don’t want to manage people” but rather, focus on the positives. Maybe, “So we’re on the same page, I see my role expanding to xyz in xyz years.”

      FWIW, and for the sake of other people with disabilities who can and will get promoted, I’d shy away from using your disability as a reason to not want advancement.

    2. BellyButton*

      Instead of talking about what you don’t want to do, talk about what you want to do. “I am very happy in my role and feel like I am growing. I would like to continue to develop in X area.”

      This tells them that at this time you are focusing on continuing to build your skills in your current role.

    3. Hlao-roo*

      You can definitely say “I’m not interested in working towards a promotion or a management role. I really like being a [current job title] and I want to work towards being the best [current job title] I can be.”

    4. Jean Pargetter Hardcastle*

      I currently supervise several people who are not interested in management or any other promotion. They’ve been forthright with me about that. What I appreciate as a manager is when they can articulate the areas where they’d like to develop further.

    5. EMP*

      The wording here is great but I would also add that if you’ve only been there a year, I wouldn’t preemptively jump in with “by the way, I don’t want to be promoted” – it may not even come up this review.

    6. Dragonfly7*

      I would love to see an update from you on how this goes. In my interview for my current job, plus onboarding training, it was outright stated I will be forced out of my current role, either upward or laterally, somewhere between 12-18 months.

  55. Goldilocks*

    Remote people – Tell me your fall fashion lineup!

    I’m new to remote work and none of my office cold weather clothes really make sense for at home. I suspect I’ll be buying lots of clothes soon. Teach me your ways!

    1. I'm Just Here for the Cake*

      I’m guessing you want something better then my standard leggings and a clean t-shirt (with the addition of a bra if I’m feeling spicy)!

    2. RagingADHD*

      Popover top, or solid-color boatneck long-sleeve tee, or cowl-neck light sweater.

      Statement bead necklace.

      Whatever comfy bottoms you like.

    3. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

      Workout clothes. Mostly a plain t-shirt and comfy tracksuit trousers. I’d buy a branded t-shirt or light jacket, but those I’ve looked at are ridiculously expensive.

    4. Stuckinacrazyjob*

      Dresses. Leggings. Those soft legging work pants. I wear business casual in my house because I go out and people see me.

    5. Cyndi*

      Aerie is my favorite brand for the comfortable/cozy/cute trifecta. Target’s Stars Above store brand pajamas are a bit lower quality but still ridiculously comfortable while they last, and a lot of them could pass fine for casual day clothes if you don’t wear them in matching sets.

    6. MeowMeowBeautiful*

      Do you expect to be on a lot of video calls where your clothes will be visible?

      Since I started WFH in 2020, I’ve bought fewer clothes than ever! On days where I know I will be on camera and want to look nice, I will wear one of my in-office blouses or blazers, but even then, people only really see from about the shoulder area and up. I mostly wear sweaters with leggings or jeans. Bye bye work slacks! Woo!

      I also wear dresses in the warmer weather, if I am anticipating being seen on camera. Otherwise a work-appropriate sleeveless top and shorts.

    7. MechanicalPencil*

      My company is pretty chill/informal. I tend towards joggers and hoodies, mostly. If I need to be on camera and look “nicer”, I’ll do a tshirt and cardigan. Always with a blanket in my lap because I tend to run chilly.

    8. Keeley Jones, The Independent Woman*

      Good wool socks! I like Bombas, but there’s several brands that are good. I don’t like wear kind shoes indoors and slippers make my feet swear. Marino wool is warm but breathable.

      1. Aspiring Chicken Lady*

        Dang but wool socks are a game changer. I have some that have a terry loop inside so it’s like I’m walking on little snuggly trampolines. They don’t get sweaty and gross because they breathe and they’re warm as heck.

      2. mymotherwasahamster*

        “Son of a f*#!@! she’s got us in these slippers AGAIN!”
        – Your feet, swearing

    9. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Disney t-shirts, zip front hoodies, yoga pants or pajama pants, and I keep a logo-ed cardigan in my office in case I need to be on camera with someone important.

    10. The New Wanderer*

      One thing to keep in mind is that your home temperature range may be different than office temp range. In my case, our home temp is only a few degrees different from summer to winter, so the heavier fall/winter clothes which were great for office wear are too warm to wear sitting at my home desk. So, I wear almost the exact same stuff year-round, and I highly recommend comfy pants and layers.

      My one rule to being on a video call (very infrequent) is to not be obviously wearing a pajama top or a robe. Having a nice camera-ready pullover handy is perfect. Sometimes I’ll add a necklace or earrings for that “made an effort” look but that’s totally optional.

    11. M.*

      Black or other dark colors, so no one bats an eye if you’re wearing a black sweatshirt for example. But honestly, I’ve worn sweatshirts on camera and others do the same, and no one cares. It’s a new world. I think if you’re not wearing something noticeably ratty or with some vulgar word/image on top, you should be fine if you’re not working in an extremely conservative company or industry.

    12. Chauncy Gardener*

      Yoga pants (sometimes fleece lined) and an Orvis fleece quarter zip top in various colors, one for each day. lol

  56. Stevie Budd*

    My husband is looking to return to work after taking several years off to be a stay at home dad. Does anyone have suggestions of jobs that would be easier to start back in? He has a bachelors in public health, which he got around when our son was born. He’s never worked in that field and doesn’t have a particular desire to do so. Previously, he worked in retail management (managed fairly small stores, like a shoe store) and as a veterinary technician, but he’d prefer to not go into either of those fields again. He has had a non-traditional career because he is really an artist at heart and so prior to having a family, was more interested in low pressure roles that would allow him to do art on the side.

      1. Rekha3.14*

        this. I work for a large company and we are always hiring customer/client services of some type, and I think the positions are fully remote.

    3. Irish Teacher*

      Do ye have anything like Special Needs Assistants? Supporting students with disability in classrooms. Or something like classroom assistant?

      Here, at least, there are no formal education requirements, he clearly has experience with children and presumably with a bachelors in public health, he has an understanding of things like disability and health needs. (One of our school’s SNAs was working with two boys with diabetes.) And while you said he was flexible on hours, it would work well with school hours if ye have kids still in school.

  57. Anons*

    I’m switching fields, and I’ve been asking for salary ranges from recruiters instead of giving a number. It seems that some places just pay less for the same/similar jobs? Like 20-30% less?

    I’m wondering if this is normal. Some companies are totally happy with my number that scares off other ones. It’s tech if that context helps. Thanks!

    1. Decidedly Me*

      I think it depends on where you come from – are other companies paying less or were you at a company that paid more? In the past few years, I’ve had friends move to companies with much higher salaries than the general rate in the market. I think in all cases they were VC funded, which explains why. Unfortunately, most moved on rather quickly due to other issues, but it’s hard to see the market rate as reasonable after getting something much higher.

      Overall, though, yes, some places do just pay less and I’d say that’s very normal. They either haven’t done a salary review in awhile, can’t afford more, or just straight up don’t want to pay more.

      1. Anons*

        My current salary is way less than this new field in general (hence why I’m switching, as all my skills transfer over!). It is possible that the companies offering more are VC funded, now that you mention it.

        When I give my salary goal, some recruiters say “yeah that number is super reasonable” while others say “oh we pay 20-30% less than that.” I’m thankfully in a position where I’m able to take my time looking for a new job, so I’ve just figured I might as well wait until the right higher paying one works out.

        1. Decidedly Me*

          As you should! If those options are out there and you have time to wait for one – I would too ;)

          1. Anons*

            Thanks for the affirmation! It’s a bit hard to wait and not take the first job (I graduated right around 2008), so I wanted to make sure I was being reasonable.

  58. PDL*

    So…I was interviewing for a role and they got back to me today with an offer, which was less than the number I had originally given. I was working with a recruiter they had contracted with, so he’s handling the communication. I was hesitant about their offer and he went back to them with my original ask – and they gave it to me! Guess it doesn’t hurt to try! :) :) :)

    Nice start to the weekend lol.

  59. Slap Bet Commissioner*

    In late summer/early fall I had two great (from my perspective) interviews. During the first interview the hiring manager mentioned that two people in this role on the team were being promoted and that they were “mentally” looking to hire two people from this process, but that they would only be hiring one right away and the other position would be available at the end of the year (November/December, they said).
    I didn’t hear anything after the second interview and followed-up a few weeks later. I got a kind but vague response later that day along the lines of “it’s taking longer than anticipated, thanks for your patience”.
    That was weeks ago and I know at this point that the role has likely been filled and they just did not tell me. I would love to just write it off and move on, but I keep wondering if there is a slight chance that they filled the first role but not the second (given the timeline mentioned in the first interview).
    I know that additional follow ups are frowned upon, but in this situation would it do me any good to check in specifically about that second (potential) opening, now that it’s October, or is that still a no-no?

    1. Anons*

      Eh, if it’s been weeks it can’t hurt to send a short email (just the one, though!). If you haven’t gotten an update that the position was filled, I wouldn’t assume that it is in the email. Sure, it probably is, but I think it gives a worse impression than a simple inquiry.

    2. peter b*

      Honestly at my company “taking longer than expected” sometimes means months, so I also recommend not assuming it’s filled if you do reach out! It’s crazy but some places do have that lengthy of timelines.

  60. I'm Just Here for the Cake*

    When a new software is rolled out at your company, does it ever go smoothly? My company is in the middle of a switch over to a new hr/people management/training system, and it has been a storm of things not working as expected, workflows not set up correct, access issues, etc. I work in training, so I’m probably seeing a lot more of the “man behind the curtain” type of stuff, but it seems insane that there are this many issues when prep for the rollout has been happening for months. Has anyone ever had a go live like this that was smooth?

    1. Eldritch Office Worker*

      If a new software launch has ever gone smoothly, I’ve certainly never seen it lol

    2. Environmental Compliance*

      Yes. We implemented a full EHS software onsite at a previous job from having nothing but a scattering of giant Excel spreadsheets. It was a very, very tightly controlled ongoing rollout with a crap ton of testing with a small group of employees. We were also very clear on access rights by account type to minimize the amount of whoopsies. I was superadmin on the system with the software company assisting with uploading. I also enforced every single supervisor/lead going through training on how to use it – the training was mandatory, and management was given very clear expectations on wrangling workloads to allow supervisors the afternoon to train. We created a lot of screenshot-based SOPs on how to do the common tasks. It was really tedious in the roll up and I spent 80% of my time on the rollout for months.

      Current Company has rolled out multiple new softwares and it has gone horribly nearly every time, and from an outside perspective it was reliance on the software company to ensure it fit with our current processes without us verifying and pre-testing to view any issues, usually because we had no staff coverage that we could shift over.

    3. Decidedly Me*

      Never ever, lol! I’ve been on both sides of these roll outs, too. Just today, a roll out in another division caused some…interestingly worded feedback in a public chat channel about not getting a heads up. They were replied to with the many, many examples of notifications that roll out team gave.

    4. Chaordic One*

      No. And furthermore, very few people every attend the training sessions to learn how to use the new software, and even they do attend, they still don’t seem to get the hang of it.

  61. Salary Range vs Salary Band*

    I just had a new-to-me interview experience and I can’t decide if I should be annoyed. The job posting listed a range (yay!) and the upper part of the range worked for me, although I noted it was a pretty big span of 25K. In the interview, they said that was actually the salary band for the position, meaning the upper end of it is what they would pay someone after several years on the job. I guess that also means if you were hired in at the upper end, you wouldn’t get any raises. This wasn’t a government job so I wasn’t expecting that; I expect the range in a job ad to be what I can expect to be paid upon starting. I came away feeling mislead because basically they were going to hire at the bottom of the range which doesn’t work for me. Am I wrong? Is this how it works now?

    1. Salary Range vs Salary Band*

      To be fair, I think there’s a legitimately frustrating situation where there is just a wide range of what they’re willing to pay the perfect person and most people won’t fall in that bucket, but I feel like that’s a sign they need to think more about the level of position they’re hiring for and what the requirements are?

    2. Anons*

      If a highly qualified person would be able to get hired and paid immediately at the upper end, it’s not that deceptive. Generally the implication of a salary range is that if you’re more experienced or something like that, you get the higher end, and less experienced towards the lower end. If they would hire no one at the higher end, that is definitely deceptive.

      Maybe this is field dependent, and it depends upon total salary, but a 25k range is actually pretty narrow compared to the jobs I look at. I get 30k+ ranges all the time,

      1. Salary Range vs Salary Band*

        But if the range ends at, say, 60K, but then it turns out that if you were a magical candidate you would earn 60K but never receive another raise no matter how many years you worked there, is that what you think a range for a job posting should be? I feel like it was reasonable to think you’d start at 60 and hope to go up in future.

        1. Anons*

          I see how it’s frustrating, but I think that’s actually pretty normal, as long as they are doing cost of living raises. The top of the range tends to represent the maximum amount of money a person in the position makes.

        2. Qwerty*

          Wouldn’t you want to know that before you took the job?

          I received a job once where I received 5-10k over the top of the salary pay band, but I didn’t know that at the time. So when raises came around, I got almost no raise despite a glowing performance review.

          Personally I like knowing what my earning potential is in a role. I think most candidates would feel lied to if they negotiated within the posted range and found out that their coworkers were making more than that range. If a job hires people with 3-5yrs experience, then coworkerA who is a recent hire with 5yrs experience shouldn’t be making less than coworkerB whose 5yrs came from 3 at previous jobs + 2 at the company.

          1. Anons*

            I think this is a great point – if they had told OP that, and then they hired them and never gave them a raise, I *would* think it was inappropriate.

    3. BRR*

      You’re not wrong. There’s no way outsiders would know it’s a salary band and not a hiring range. After working at a place with very large salary bands and nobody could be hired above the mid point without high-level approval, I assume any large range is like that. Like if it’s 50-75k, I would probably not even apply if my hard minimum was 70k.

      1. Anons*

        Good point. I generally assume that top of the salary band is more of a mythical concept than a reality. Even in situations where there isn’t a rule like you described, I’ve asked recruiters what salaries people are actually getting hired at (when they give me an absurdly large range) and generally no one is actually getting hired in the top third of the range. If only the top of the salary band meets my job requirements, I usually don’t apply.

    4. Chauncy Gardener*

      If I’m posting a salary range for a job it means that is the range I am expecting to pay someone when they start. I think it is BS to say that the upper end of the range is what you make after a few years in the role!

    5. Dragon*

      I’d be curious to know where the qualifications and experience level in the job description, fell on the pay band.

      A firm ghosted me and my competition after two interviews, and it was clear they started all over looking for cheaper candidates. I saw their new ad which listed the salary potential as top of the range, but their required experience level was way lower. They wanted classic top talent for bottom dollar.

  62. Close the door please*

    I am a woman and I work in a male-dominated industry so there are considerably more men than women in my office. People have started to return after going remote during the pandemic and the building is at about a third of our pre-pandemic occupancy (and since people have the option to stay hybrid permanently we’ll probably never return to full pre-pandemic occupancy). Our bathroom doors have attached doorstops that can be flipped down to prop the door open, but otherwise the door swings closed on its own. The janitorial staff props the doors open when they clean the bathrooms in the evening and pre-pandemic, the first person who used the bathroom in the morning would flip the doorstop up and let the door swing closed. This is still what happens with the women’s bathroom, but the door to the men’s bathroom now stays open all day everyday. I have to walk past the men’s bathroom to get to the women’s bathroom and I get tired of having to keep my gaze locked straight ahead to make sure I don’t accidentally see something. Any men got any insight as to why this is happening? And does anyone have any ideas how to get the men to close the bathroom door?

    1. Salary Range vs Salary Band*

      That’s weird, I assume it’s a ventilation thing for covid, which makes sense actually in terms of the science of transmission – but knowing guys pee in urinals, I wouldn’t want to see that either. If they had stalls I wouldn’t worry and maybe would think the ladies room should consider doing the same …

    2. BellyButton*

      OMG, you shouldn’t have to ask people to close the bathroom door. LOL, especially with urinals!! I would speak to HR or the office manager or someone and ask them to send out a reminder. It seems ridiculous you have to even ask!

    3. irene adler*

      The men are probably not closing the door because they think someone intends for it to be propped open.
      Options here:
      -request that janitorial staff close both doors when cleaning is complete
      -ask that someone be assigned the door closing task each morning-for both doors. (Probably not fair to suggest to the person who closes the women’s door in the morning to also close the men’s door as well.)

      I know some feel it is not a good idea to have either bathroom door open like that all day long. Spray travels.

      Although, as I write this, a propped open door eliminates ‘handling’ of the door when one leaves. Some folks like to grab a paper towel to touch the door as they exit.

      1. Close the door please*

        Both bathroom doors open outwards and can easily be pushed open with a foot or an elbow, so there’s not really a handling of the door concern.

        1. Hlao-roo*

          If the doors are propped open outwards, can you close them yourself (because you won’t need to go into the bathroom to do so)?

          I understand if you’re not comfortable with that, and I’m not sure what the geometry of the door/doorway/bathroom fixtures, s I’m envisioning this as most feasible if you could do a quick glance inside the bathroom and if you don’t see any men, unobtrusively close the door. Like Svennerson says below, it’s likely that once the door is closed, it will stay closed (at least for that day).

    4. ScruffyInternHerder*

      Similarly in a male dominated industry.

      I would probably point it out to whoever is in charge of cleaning staff and state that “obviously, nobody wants to see a coworker at a urinal, surely we can close the door instead of propping it open”?

      I have a teen boy. I have only the insight of “it doesn’t cross his mind to close the bleeping door”.

      1. CharlieBrown*

        Male here. Can confirm. We just don’t think of these things sometimes, especially when we are teenagers.

        And a lot of men working together often develop a kind of teenage boy mindset about certain things.

        I would just see if the cleaning staff could return the doors to the state they found them in. I know of no reason why they have to stay propped open all night. This seems to be the simplest solution.

        1. Angstrom*

          I suspect that the last thing the cleaning staff does in the bathrooms is mop the floors, so they leave the doors open to help the floors dry.

    5. Svennerson*

      The male logic autopilot rule I’ve seen myself operate on is “If door is open when I enter, door is open when I leave. If door is closed when I enter, door is closed when I leave.” This isn’t a conscious processing thing, and I could easily see myself needing “Hey that’s a bathroom you intelligent toadstool” as a reminder in order to break that autopilot logic.

  63. CTT*

    I’m an associate attorney with my first ever mentee, and I thought bar results for our state would be coming out today (the website says COB on Monday, but they traditionally come out on a Friday and surely they won’t make people agonize all weekend?? (jk, it’s the bar examiners, they love to make life miserable)), but they still haven’t posted the success list. I feel confident that she’ll pass, but it’s kind of nerve-wracking even though I’m now 4 years removed from this process!

  64. Anon for this*

    Looking for practical advice, not political debate: how do I explain to my boss and/or colleagues why I don’t want to attend the annual sales meeting because it is located in a state that has banned abortion from conception?

    My husband and I are actively trying right now. The sales meeting is in January, so I could be anywhere between not pregnant to 3 months pregnant by then. In the past, I have always attended the sales meeting because I’m part of the team that organizes it, I’m second in the team leadership chain behind my boss, and I’m usually one of the speakers. If I ask to attend virtually, I’m going to get lots of surprised looks and “why?” As we get closer, people are going to say things like “I can’t wait to see you there!” and I’m going to have to clarify that I won’t be attending in person, and they will likely ask why not.

    How do I respond, given that I’m not pregnant right now and don’t want to make my personal plans known? I would also like to avoid political debate because my refusal to travel to this state when I might be pregnant is not up for discussion. Any practical advice would be much appreciated.

    1. Salary Range vs Salary Band*

      Ugh, I’m so sorry. In my experience even well meaning guys do NOT understand what an immediate threat this is, especially for people who are already pregnant. They tend to think that we’re overreacting, that we will of course be able to drive across state lines in an emergency, etc. I would probably raise this issue only with the most senior people, perhaps even anonymously, but to everyone else I’d say “unfortunately a medical issue prevents me from traveling this year”

      1. Salary Range vs Salary Band*

        Oh and when I raised it with the senior people I’d use my knowledge of them to decide if I can approach it “I don’t think our company should be doing business in X state because of this” versus “I personally can’t travel there because of the implications for me.” (or “didn’t travel there” if you raise it after the fact, knowing they’re unlikely to shift the location at this point). I want decision makers to know why but not at the expense of your private information.

        1. Anon for this*

          Yeah, we can’t change it this year because we paid our deposit in March before the laws changed. You can be sure that we won’t be hosting our sales meeting in certain states moving forward, since the planning committee is primarily women. Our division is 70% female, so we must put the needs of our employees first. I’m sure other divisions are taking this into consideration as well.

      2. Cyndi*

        Yes, I was thinking if Anon hasn’t flown anywhere else recently, she could say she has a health issue that prevents her from flying for now.

    2. Honor Harrington*

      “I’m so sorry. I’m unable to get life-saving treatment I might need there, if something bad happens. It’s simply too risky for me to go. And really, a lawsuit for wrongful death would be so bad for the company lol kidding/notkidding”

    3. RagingADHD*

      On a practical level, I am not sure what motivated the decision. Are you boycotting the state in protest, or are you worried that you might have a catastrophic event requiring emergency healthcare that wouldn’t be available?

      If it’s a boycott on principle, then you should state that. Because there is no point to a secret boycott.

      If it’s concern about the potential need for emergency care, and you would feel safe going if not pregnant, then say nothing. If you wind up being unable to travel for health reasons, then you can say that at the time.

      1. Forrest Rhodes*

        Porque no las dos? (No offense intended, I couldn’t help myself.)

        I’m not sure why Anon should have to specify a reason? Couldn’t she say “All of the above, and more”?

        IME, when someone requres a specific reason why I’m declining something, they’re generally asking so they can start trying to talk me out of whatever I decided, to persuade me that my reasons aren’t valid.

        If Anon absolutely has to give a reason, my choice would be “unable to receive medical treatment if something happens.”

        2. RagingADHD*

          I’m asking her reasons because I think she should handle it differently based on what she is trying to do.

          Is this maybe a misthread and you intended to reply to someone else? Because this doesn’t really make much sense as a reply to my comment.

      2. Anon for this*

        Both, but primarily the latter, i.e. traveling to a state where there is a risk, however low, that I may encounter an emergency but not have access to the full range of medical options.

        Hmm…if I say nothing, there’s a chance I may end up canceling my travel very late, and then there’s the hassle of canceling my flight, reconfiguring the sessions that I’m leading, in-person activities that I won’t be available for any more, etc. These aren’t insurmountable obstacles, but there may be some scrambling and annoyance around why I didn’t notify people sooner.

        There’s also the weird gap between when you find out that you’re pregnant and when you usually notify others, and I don’t want to be forced to announce my pregnancy early.

        1. RagingADHD*

          Okay, so if you are determined not to go whether you’re pregnant or not, them treat it like a boycott on principle, because that’s basically what it is.

          1. Bob-White of the Glen*

            That is not what she said at all. Going if not pregnant, while not thrilled about supporting the state, is acceptable.

            “if I say nothing, there’s a chance I may end up canceling my travel very late, and then there’s the hassle….” canceling would happen if pregnant, not otherwise.

        2. IT Manager*

          Honestly, and sadly, states that ban abortion have put all women in danger as those laws have so many penalties included that many, many doctors and hospitals are choosing any kind of medical care if you have a uterus with an eye to lawsuits, not medical care. Eg emergency hysterectomy, or meds that might damage a fetus, etc are all being second-guessed.

          So you could just say you don’t feel safe going there, unrelated to if you are pregnant at that point. Just by virtue of being a person who *could* be pregnant.

    4. Nesprin*

      As far as I can see, you’re going to have to do one of three things:

      (1) get political: “Oh, I’m not willing to travel to that state as a woman of childbearing age- too many horror stories about womens’ health disasters in that state post Roe

      (2) be vague: “Oh, I’ve got a medical thing and I can’t travel this year”

      (3) make an excuse: “Oh, I’ve got a conflict and couldn’t make it this year”

      1. Anon for this*

        Yeah, it’ll probably have to be #2.

        Option 3 doesn’t work because I always go to the sales meeting, my whole team goes. Me and the intern are the only ones not going this year.

      2. AnonyMouse*

        Number two makes sense to me, but just be prepared for people to assume you are pregnant and not telling people yet if you vaguely say “a medical thing” and skip out on a big annual meeting. Hopefully they won’t be rude enough to ask you, and maybe you don’t care, but for married women of childbearing age, those assumptions are common.

    5. Former Retail Manager*

      If you are pregnant by the time the meeting occurs or the reservation needs to be finalized, then I’d simply cite a medical reason preventing you from travel and leave it at that. Even if someone presses you, pregnancy is a valid medical reason without any need to cite concerns surrounding abortion.

      However, if you aren’t pregnant at that time, and you are refusing to set foot in the state on principle, I would tread very carefully unless you work for a very left leaning organization with a mgmt chain that you are sure supports those beliefs 1,000% with zero chance of backlash, either present or future. Frankly, I’d make up an excuse to not go rather than dive into shark infested political waters. The risk is not worth it if you are planning to stay with this employer for the foreseeable future. If recent events have shown me anything it’s that people don’t always fall on the side of the issue that I thought they would, and no matter which side someone is on, feelings are STRONG.

  65. JMR*

    What kind of team building activities do people not hate? Our organization is encouraging team leaders to do small team-building activities off-site, but I’m struggling with coming up with something that will work. Sunset cruise or whale-watching? I don’t want people spending the afternoon puking over the side of the boat. Hiking? We have a spectrum of fitness levels and I would prefer to stay away from physical activity. Escape room? Lots of people hate them and/or get claustrophobic. The one thing I can come up with that no one would object to would be a group lunch, but that isn’t exactly a team-building activity. Does anyone have any suggestions for things that their team did that were inclusive and (at least mostly) enjoyable?

    1. Salary Range vs Salary Band*

      My rules for team building are that it should occur during work hours if participation is really important (so even though I would enjoy a sunset cruise, most people would rather choose their own Friday night activities) – should minimize inconvenience to the employee (I’ve had many that involved long drives, personalized equipment, personal outlay of funds) and should be inclusive of all abilities without requiring people to reveal personal information. I used to think lunch bowling, but I don’t think it addresses the last one well enough.

    2. Alex*

      I think lunch is a totally valid team activity. Have your group vote on a place to go. Have it during work hours and let everyone go home early that day.

    3. Cheezmouser*

      One team did a “build a bike” activity where they assembled kids bikes in small groups. It was through a local nonprofit that then donated the bikes to disadvantaged children. It was held in a local park, and then they went out to lunch. I thought it was a great idea, because it was aligned with our mission around education and social justice, was accessible to people of all abilities, and required cooperation, but some people grumbled because other teams did things like wine tasting or beach trip for team building.

      1. mymotherwasahamster*

        What.
        That sounds AMAZING!
        I’m all for wine and beaches and whatever, but those just sound social. Nothing “team building” about ‘em. I love the element of doing something charitable and bikes are SO empowering.

    4. Qwerty*

      I like two-part team building events where there (1) Optional Activity and (2) Social Time. This probably works best with larger groups of 10+, because you need it to not be weird for those opting out of the activity.

      For example, we recently did a department team bonding with 30 people that had picnic tables with food, beverages, and small tabletop games (like cards or mini board games) where people could social but also had a physical activity that people could opt into. Another company used to do a volleyball event as part of the intern program followed by pizza + happy hour at a nearby restaurant, where most of the non-interns would just show up for the food.

      For small groups, we’ve had fun with light hearted and quick games like Keep Talking and Nobody Explodes or Dinosaurous. It works best if people can rotate in and out so they aren’t playing every game in case they aren’t enjoying it.

      One of the main things is probably not to always do the same type of activity. Lunch is nice, but if its always lunch than the people with dietary restrictions won’t enjoy it. Same with whether it is a physical activity, brain games, etc. It also makes people less likely to be bothered if one outing doesn’t work for them, since they enjoyed the previous three.

    6. Miette*

      My fave team building thing I participated in was part of an annual sales meeting (so there were also cocktails) but we had dinner at Dave & Buster’s in a small private area with a buffet, pool tables, etc., followed by access to very generous pre-loaded cards we could use to play whatever games we liked. Free skee-ball, what’s not to love?

    7. Chauncy Gardener*

      In our city we have duck boat tours, which are quite nice for everyone as long as no one gets motion sickness. They only go in very shallow water, so it’s not like a deep water whale watch.
      Group meals can be nice if you do a buffet so folks can mingle around.
      Maybe a board game chunk of time with lots of different board games for people to play?
      Trivia teams?

    8. Nesprin*

      As far as I know there are no team building things that are not hated by someone.
      Give your team 4 options with a preference and a veto, and go with what they want to do.

      1. October Tenth*

        It’s me, I hate them all. I build a team by working with them. Food or alcohol or “fun” after-hours stuff is not my jam.

        I hope for OP’s sake I’m in the minority though. Sociable people really seem to enjoy that stuff.

    9. Mr. Shark*

      How about mini-golf. It’s pretty mild physical activity, but many mini-golf places have other activities as well that would require no physical effort for those that have physical handicaps.

    10. Chaordic One*

      Although you may not think so, something that is primarily a social activity, such as a group lunch, is an excellent and underrated way to help build a team. (In my office, it has a library quiet atmosphere and people are discouraged from even visiting in the hallways or in front of the elevator because the building is an award-winning, but badly designed place where voices echo and carry.) As it now stands, people who have worked on my team for several years, still don’t really know each other on even a low-stakes, small-talk level.

    11. Schmitt*

      Step 1. ask your team for suggestions. Give them a budget per person range.
      Step 2. ask for votes, multiple votes allowed. So “which of these options would you attend” instead of “what’s your top single choice”. Also allow vetos, standing for “I absolutely do not want to do this” and don’t ask why or allow others to ask / bully. Let no simply mean no.
      Step 3. choose the highest voted option without a veto
      Step 4. if there are no options without veto, return to step 1

    12. OtterB*

      We’ve had fun with low-key craft things – painting a tile square, etc. People can chat while they do it and it’s fun to see what everyone comes up with. But lunch is always appreciated too.

    13. fhqwhgads*

      Rented out an entire restaurant that had ping pong and pool tables and TVs. The food accounted for dietary restrictions people said they had – because they were asked in advance and they’re answers actually accounted for. Everyone could have something. People could play ping pong or pool, or watch television, or sit and chat in a different area that was quieter. No activities once we arrived were specifically organized, just “here’s the space we got, do what you want, get drinks over there, the food will come out at X time”.

    14. London Calling*

      In a very long career the only team building activity I’d happily do again was a morning of get to know you icebreakers and discussions about future projects and an afternoon of cookery team, where the team split into three to prepare and cook starter, main and dessert – which we then ate.

    15. Nightengale*

      “Offsite” – make sure people can get there. I can get to work on public transportation. I cannot necessarily get to other places where events happen. And people might not feel comfortable asking for/accepting rides due to COVID who might previously have been. (or a group meal right now – I would not do a lunch at the moment.)

  66. Spearmint*

    Any tips on getting better at attention to detail and reviewing/double-checking work? I’m good at it when I focus on it but I have real difficulty maintaining focus in this kind of work, and I have colleagues catch errors that I feel I should have. It’s nothing super egregious, it’s stuff like “oh these two numbers don’t seem consistent” rather than “oh I addressed this email to the wrong person”.

    1. Hlao-roo*

      If you’re doing the same/similar tasks: checklists.

      The checklists can be formatted like:

      – Do Task X
      – Double-check [part a]
      – Double-check [part b]

      If there are consistent parts to certain tasks that you have noticed you’re more likely to make errors in.

      If it would be more helpful to break the tasks into smaller segments, the checklists can be formatted like:

      – Do part a
      – Do part b
      – Do part c

      And then when you finish one part you can take a break before you refocus for the next part, rather than try to maintain your focus for the entire task.

    2. Cohort of Concern*

      I have a couple of systems: The first is to check my work from both ends of a problem. For example, if I need to add up a column of numbers, I do it from the top down. Then I’ll do it again from the bottom up and make sure I get the same answer.

      The other is to focus on and do only one kind of check at a time, like an assembly line. For example, if I need to ensure that title capitalization on a presentation is consistent, I’ll go through all the pages only looking at the titles. If I need to ensure that numbers match from page to page, I’ll only do that one thing, and so on.

    3. Anons*

      I realize this is a bit like repeating the question, but I’ve completely corrected this by just double/triple checking everything. Before you send an email, always check – is the right name in there? Whenever coming up with numbers, recheck the process and do it twice.

    4. Eyes Kiwami*

      Maybe look into “point and call out” safety response techniques? The idea is connecting a physical motion like pointing and saying the thing you’re checking, so your brain doesn’t skip right past it. So before you hit send, you point at the address and say “right person”, you point to the attachment and say “it’s attached” or whatever common mistakes you tend to make, maybe “numbers match” or “yes my colleagues can actually access the link I’m sharing” etc.

  67. Anonymath*

    I’m in an academic position where I’m required to publish research regularly. Conducting the research isn’t an issue, but writing it is. I have been able to be productive enough to earn both Tenure and promotion to full at a previous position, but the only thing that worked for me (and believe me I tried everything) was taking 3x yearly writing retreats where my husband (who is also an academic with publishing requirements) and I could get away from all distractions and just focus on writing. No cooking, no cleaning, no chatty friendly office-mates. Then came a baby…and a pandemic.

    Most of the retreat locations (various B&Bs in the woods) won’t take kids, and places that do offer some sort of childcare (fancy resorts) do not offer it consistently now due to Covid. Our child is 9, so not a baby but not able to fully entertain themself either. We’ve tried taking cruises (we live near a port) but those are even more expensive than the fancy resorts and the ones out of our port tend to be longer than we need (3 days is plenty). We thought about building a writing shed in the backyard, but that was $$ plus a multi-month project.

    Do you all have any ideas for retreats that get us out of the house, away from work, and offer consistent childcare? Especially ones that don’t break the bank?

    1. Alex*

      Can you separate the childcare and destination problems? Can your child stay with friends or family for three days? At ages much younger than nine (I think I started at 6 or 7?) my parents would send me off to my aunt’s house to spend a couple of weeks in the summer. It was great fun for me and a break for them.

      1. Anonymath*

        I do wish that was possible, as I have great memories of similar visits with my relatives. Unfortunately our family that lives nearby are either unable or don’t feel confident in having a sleepover (they are absolutely excellent for a few helpful hours of babysitting though). Most of our friends are childless and older. I can’t imagine even asking if they’d mind my child for a few hours much less for a few days. I do appreciate the suggestion though!

        1. Nesprin*

          How about your kid’s school friends- any chance they could take said kid for a couple of days?

          Alternatively, could you swap out writing retreats? I.e. husband and kid hang out at home while you go elsewhere for a week or two, then swap?

    2. Ranon*

      9 is old enough for sleep away camp, potentially, so that’s at least one summer retreat sorted if she goes one place and you go another.

      Can you and your spouse trade retreat weeks, one person solo parents while the other works, and then trade?

      If it’s just three days you need at a shot another option might be trading long weekends with one of her friends- you take the kids for a long weekend sleepover, then they do the same

      Generally if you solve the childcare separate from the retreat I think you’ll have more success

      1. Anonymath*

        Yes, sleepaway camp is an excellent suggestion! They did their first week away this past summer and really enjoyed it, and we’ve already signed them up for next year. So you’re absolutely spot-on with suggesting we use that time for the summer retreat!

        Trading retreat weekends and wouldn’t be too hard to schedule around. A week would make it more difficult as we both have in-office responsibilities weekly.

        I totally agree with both commenters that solving the childcare aspect would go a long way to solving the whole problem.

    3. WellRed*

      Leave the kid with someone, bring a sitter along, or have you or spouse be in charge of kid every other retreat while the other writes.

      1. Anonymath*

        The sitter idea is good, and we hadn’t thought of that one before. We’d need an additional room to give them privacy, and we’d need to arrange it for a location that had easy access to multiple entertainment options, but it’s probably still less expensive than some of the cruises. Thanks for the suggestion!

    4. Not A Manager*

      I don’t know your price point, but you mention cruises and resorts, so… Take a look at dude ranches. Many of them have some kind of kids program, almost all of them provide semi- or fully-detached casitas options, and they run a gamut of pricing from all-inclusive to fully a la carte. If you go in the off-season you will find better pricing, clearly.

      My particular experience has been with Tanque Verde Ranch outside Tucson. Many generations in our family have enjoyed the kids program, which at least pre-pandemic ran pretty much from breakfast to bedtime. Depending on your child’s personality, you could well make them quite happy with, say, one family meal and one daytime activity per parent, with them in the kids program the rest of the time. TVR has been moving from the “all inclusive” model to one that allows more tailoring, so you don’t have to pay for rides and stuff that you’re not going to take.

      1. Anonymath*

        We did check out some dude ranches and all-inclusive resorts (Like a kid-friendly Club Med sort of thing), but couldn’t find one within driving range, and the airfare was a real deal-breaker on top of the resort costs. The few dude ranches we saw did have some great family options, and I’d love to go for a non-retreat visit, but none had child-only activities.

        With your suggestion though, I’ll take another look to see if I can find something closer and suitable. Thanks!

  68. Hybrid office math*

    Your company has a hybrid workforce and asks employees to come in to the office three days a week. You do not have set in-office days.

    Scenario 1: Monday is a federal holiday observed by your company. How many days do you assume you’re expected to be in the office the rest of the week?
    A. Two days (the holiday counts against the three day requirement)
    B. Three days (the holiday does not count against the three day requirement
    C. It depends (on whether you usually work Mondays? something else?)

    Scenario 2: Monday is a regular workday for the company, but you personally have taken it off as a vacation day. Does your answer change?

    (I suspect the real answer here is that if the company truly cares, there’d be a written policy and if not, it’s up to you, but I’m curious what others’ assumptions are!)

    1. Eldritch Office Worker*

      Scenario 1, I’d assume two days.

      Scenario 2 – this must have come up before right? People taking vacation or sick days and having to figure out the rest of the week? What has happened traditionally?

      I’d assume two days in scenario 2 as well but you’re right, if anyone cared you’d probably have something to reference. If you’re debating for yourself, I’d do what you prefer and ask forgiveness rather than permission if it ends up being a problem.

    2. Warrior Princess Xena*

      I’d say probably C for both scenario 1 and scenario 2, but even there it depends. Do you normally work specific days because you coordinate/collaborate with other people? Do you consistently come in the same 3 days every week, or just when you feel like it? How rigorous are other people at coming in 3 days a week? How rigorous is management at coming in, and at enforcing it?

    3. Sleepy Alpaca*

      If the policy is phrased as “in the office three days a week” I would assume B in all cases unless those three days are specified (Mon/Wed/Fri or Tues/Wed/Thur) and the holiday/vacation falls on one of those days. But I would assume the policy would be phrased as “in the office on [day], [day], and [day]” if that was the case, not “three days”. But maybe the days being specific is only a departmental policy in which case ehhh I’d probably assume, as long as your boss is chill, that you could get away with working only two days in-office.

    4. Hotdog not dog*

      well, if it’s my current company, your butt needs to be in your assigned office chair 3 days. So if Monday is a holiday and your usual schedule is wfh on Thursday and Friday, then next week you’d have to come in on one of those days.

    5. meowwwwww*

      At my last job, I had an unwritten 3 day office/2day home schedule. No one made me, but whenever possible I kept it to 3 days in office, even if it was a 4 day week. I felt obligated but no one outright made me.

    6. Pocket Mouse*

      If you do not have set in-office days, then in both scenarios I’d count Monday as an in-office day if I felt like it. Think of a situation where you are taking three days in a week off from work; even in an office that explicitly states (B), your butt is in a seat only two days that week. There’s no way to ignore that in-office days and days off work (and therefore out of the office) must sometimes overlap, and if you don’t have set days in the office, you can choose for them to overlap.

      Also, yes to your last sentence in parentheses – building on that, I wouldn’t want to help set a precedent that the office/culture is more stringent than it officially is, so personally would absolutely go for (A) every. single. time. unless and until instructed otherwise, and even then resist if there hasn’t been an official policy change to (B) or (C).

      1. allathian*

        Yup, me too. I strive to minimize my time in the office, so I’d personally count every day off work regardless of the reason as an in-office day, unless there’s a particular reason to go in on another day, and until firmly instructed otherwise.

        My employer has been very pro-WFH, and we were essentially hybrid since 2014 when every employee was issued with a laptop. I didn’t take much advantage of the WFH option until March 2020 forced my hand, but now I love it and I wouldn’t want to go back to the old ways again. But starting this month, they’ve asked employees to go into the office at least 4 days a month, and leaving it up to the individual to choose when to go in. I’ve been planning to go to the office once a week, but that plan’s on hold now that I’m still recovering from Covid…

  69. BlueDijon*

    For folks who moved out of higher ed and into industry, particularly admin and non-faculty positions, what were some of the more surprising differences you noticed?

    I’m 6 months into this change, and am starting to notice a bunch of subtle differences around communication expectations (less formal, but more time considerations) and hierarchies (there’s a subtle difference here, where it’s not a more implicit acknowledgement rather than in academia where it’s very title and role-centric). Realized after scrolling through this thread this might be a helpful question for hive-mind, rather than just me noodling on this!

    1. No More Higher Ed*

      I’m about 4 months into my transition from a senior staff role in an academic unit to an actual profit making enterprise outside of the academy. The biggest difference is probably that decisions have to be made! We have some committees at the business but they can’t punt on all decisions and hope the committee selected the next academic year might take care of it for them.

      There are no faculty equivalent people who cannot be forced to read emails – there are consequences to that sort of behavior. (There are still problem people, of course, but there isn’t a whole caste that is nearly untouchable.

      More money is nice! But the idea that I only have 1 day off for Thanksgiving? And we are open between Christmas and New Year? I have a very difficult time wrapping my head around those changes!

    2. M.*

      Oh my, please share more if you can. I’m in higher education, as well, and I’m strongly considering a move out once I’m vested in the university pension next year.

  70. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

    We got an email from the internal recruiting team, presenting the new recruiting strategy.
    They created TikTok and Instagram accounts. I have no problem with Insta, it’s used for everything these days, but TikTok? OMG. They want to attract the older Zoomers, but man, the “how do you do, fellow kids?” meme comes to my mind. One cringey video and they will rip them to shreds.

    1. just another queer reader*

      I’m so intrigued!! Do they figure they’ll make a video so viral that it’ll attract candidates, or do they just want a presence for when people look them up? Hopefully the second.

      I am slightly too old to be their target demographic, but I would love to know how this works out for them.

    2. Honor Harrington*

      My HR dept wants to do this too. There must have been an article in some HR-ish magazine advising this. I’m just going to sit back with popcorn and be ready to laugh.

  71. Warrior Princess Xena*

    Has anyone here uses bone conduction headphones, and if so, how did you like them? I do a lot of work video calls and am considering changing my headphones. I can’t use earbuds long term as I get ear infections, and my over-ear headphones are great if I need to focus but get bulky and heavy after a while. I’ve seen some pretty mixed reviews about the bone conduction ones, but a lot of those have been on the picky audiophile websites.

    Has anyone used these, and if so what is your experience with them? Would you recommend them?

    1. ScruffyInternHerder*

      I can only speak to use on the listening end; I use them for running/walking, and I find the sound quality to be great while allowing me to exist in the world and be aware of cars etc.

      Shokz brand.

      They do make a head-set type. I do not have any useful feedback there other than it exists.

    2. BRR*

      I don’t have a specific recommendation but I’ve found it somewhat difficult to find a good recommendation for any type of head phones because while I have a good ear, audiophiles are apparently much pickier than I am. My suggestion would be to take reviews with a grain of salt and buy somewhere with a good return policy.

    3. Bread Crimes*

      Absolute fantastic for anything that’s primarily about voices, like Zoom meetings or podcasts. Mediocre at best for something with a wide range of pitch/volume/frequency stuff being important, like listening to music. I’m not surprised picky audiophiles are unimpressed, but I love my set for meetings where I want to be able to hear environmental sounds as well.

  72. Pondering Pivoter*

    Career pivoters, how can you tell if you’re BAD at your new job, vs still learning the ropes?

    I am 6 months into a new role and transitioned from higher education (admissions and advising) to sales. I mostly like the soft skills part — being the central point of contact for new clients, asking good questions, providing clear recommendations — but I really don’t like the sales part. For example: If a prospect says “thanks for the information but the price isn’t right,” having to push back on what their budget is and why it matters that they invest in our product.

    I’m struggling to meet actual sales metrics like revenue goals and booking rates and, while a lot of this is due to market conditions, I also know I just don’t have the inherent drive to continuously follow up on prospects and chase deals. Also, while I like telling people about my company and product, I really DON’T like pushy customers trying to negotiate on prices or telling me they’re exploring other vendors with the expectation that I’ll bend over backwards to win their business (that burnout is carried over from my last job too, tbh).

    My company is amazingly supportive, my coworkers are wonderful, and I believe in our mission and product — so it feels like, if I’m not succeeding in a sales role here, it wouldn’t be better anywhere else. I’d love to hear about other peoples’ career transitions!

    1. Salary Range vs Salary Band*

      ugh I so feel for you, I also work in a field where I’m expected to act in a way that would make me uncomfortable as the recipient (philanthropy). I don’t know that you’ll develop a love for sales given what you’ve said, and it depends on if your company will be satisfied even if you always struggle with the target or not. If I were you, I’d look around for a lateral transfer to another role with the same organization if you can.

    2. WantonSeedStitch*

      How’s your manager? Are they giving you feedback on how you’re performing versus their expectations of where you should be at this point? If they feel you’re performing well, it might be a good time to bring up your challenges and ask for some coaching on how to improve in those areas. If they feel you’re not meeting expectations, it might be a good time for you to consider whether it’s the right role for you. Incidentally, if you have a background in higher ed and and interest in sales, maybe higher ed fundraising would be a good career for you!

    3. PX*

      Sounds like you might be more suited at something like account management rather than sales (similar, but not the same). Another alternative depending on industry is something like an implementation consultant or support person. Basically interacting with a customer to help them get the most from a product/service, but not necessarily having to sell.

    4. AvonLady Barksdale*

      You sound a lot like me. I also transitioned to sales and I find the selling part to be tough. For me it came down to my boss– he was supportive without coddling, encouraging but straightforward. It helped that he was super calm to my anxiety. I have a new boss now, though, and it’s… not good. Do I think I should leave sales? Not really, but I also know that I need support to be truly successful.

      I have thought about shifting to more of a customer success role– all of the client interaction, none of the revenue responsibility.

  73. Lisa Babs*

    Interview Clothes in 2022

    I’ve been at my current company for 18 years. So it’s been a while since going on interviews. I know times have changed. What are the typical interview clothes for in-person interviews for full-time positions? Is it a full suit? Suit separates (ie – black pants and a gray suit jacket)? Or just a nice blouse and pants?

    Please note that I am female and most likely be going for office manager or administrative positions at small companies.

    1. Higher Ed Kitten Party*

      I wore a suit to my last interview (mid-level academia) and felt wildly over dressed as soon as I walked in. I think suit separates with a Nice Blouse ™ is perfect.

    2. Educator*

      I always wear a blazer, just to signal respect for the process. It is modern and tailored–not the boxy monstrosity I wore interviewing years ago. I pair it with a solid-colored dress for more formal environments, and with a non-matching skirt or pair of pants and nice shell for more casual ones. I have not seen a job candidate in a full suit in years–I think that is reserved for truly business formal environments like law these days–but most go a little nicer than daily business casual. It’s a Banana Republic/Ann Taylor/Michael Kors vibe.

    3. OyHiOh*

      Admin/project support person: Most recent interview process, I wore a black dress with a bit of same color detail, and a kinda funky blazer over it. I thought I just looked groomed and professional. Every friend who saw me that day asked how my interview went (without knowing I did have an interview scheduled, haha) so it must have read as professional/interview whether I intended or not.

    4. Nesprin*

      The nicer end of business casual, i.e. pants/skirt, nice top, scarf or cardigan or mismatched blazer, unless its a formal industry (law, banking) or a formal location (new england cities).

      1. Lisa Babs*

        Thanks for adding the comment about location. I am in New England but will be applying in towns (the suburbs).

        1. Educator*

          Then I would add that opaque tights (black/grey/navy, never nude) and weather-appropriate shoes can be a key part of a polished interview look! I live in a colder climate and take all my important winter meetings in black patent leather ankle boots. I once saw a job candidate wipe out in front of our office because it was icy and she was wearing stilettos, which no one around here does for exactly that reason! Fortunately, she was not interviewing with me, so I could make sure she was ok and show her to the bathroom rather than questioning her judgement.

    5. Generic Name*

      Here in the West, we’d expect a candidate for those types of roles to be wearing business casual but not a full suit or even suit separates. Especially not for small companies. If you were interviewing at large firms in traditionally conservative industries in shiny downtown offices, I’d expect a suit jacket or maybe even a full suit.

  74. Watry*

    How do you handle the frustration with your job that comes once you’ve decided to move on, especially if moving on is going to take awhile?

    1. Pondering Pivoter*

      I think there is no time when “quiet quitting” is more appropriate than this time! I was in a similar position and once I decided I was mentally checked out, it was easier for me to set actual work hour boundaries.

      A big one for me: Only checking email at designated times during the day, so I could get my tasks for that day done without being interrupted by someone else’s questions or demands. That helped me make sure my own work was continuing to get done without feeling like I also had to help every other person get their work done, and I became okay with not hitting inbox zero at the end of the day — because I knew I had carved out time the next morning.

    2. Casey*

      Scale back your hours and start mentally casting your most obnoxious coworkers as characters in a sitcom that is thankfully approaching its last season. Like “oh, what topic will Rambling Randall pick in this week’s episode?!”

  75. Bad Bible*

    I have a coworker who wears shirts at work that have Bible verses on them (with reference). It feels awkward, but maybe it shouldn’t? It’s nothing I’d address her with, just curious what other people think. We’re in a casual, non-public-facing office environment.

    1. Eldritch Office Worker*

      A little uncomfy and if she was writing I’d advise her not to, but if it just feels a little awkward I would probably let it go, personally.

    2. Educator*

      It feels a little preachy to me, as a non-religious person, if her shirt is trying to tell me how to live my life, so I might privately roll my eyes. But after that initial internal reaction, I would try to reframe it as being like wearing a religious charm on a necklace, or like a devoted football fan wearing a “go team” shirt. Not my lifestyle, not something I support, but also not my business.

      That changes the moment the verse could possibly be used as justification to dehumanize or oppress someone else. Then I would go right to HR.

    3. Temperance*

      This is definitely awkward. If it was public facing, I would say something to the management, but since it’s not, I would just kind of like her less and do nothing about it.

    4. RagingADHD*

      Are the Bible verses themselves offensive or proselytizing, like urging everyone to give their lives to Jesus or they will burn in hell? That’s problematic.

      If it’s more like sentiments that could blend in with a “Live Laugh Love” plaque, then there’s no reason to get hinky about what your coworker puts on her body.

      Any slogan you put on a TShirt is going to be disagreeable to somebody, and a lot of companies ban shirts with writing on them for that very reason.

    5. Girasol*

      Do you think she or other coworkers would be bothered if you wore shirts displaying text from the major writings of non-Christian religions?

      1. Bad Bible*

        It’s not that I’m offended, it felt awkward in the sense that I found myself suddenly monitoring what I was saying to make sure I wasn’t saying anything that could be considered offensive to a Christian. As a born and raised (but no longer) Pentecostal I have plenty of experience with that. It’s not the declaration of her religious affiliation that bothers me so much as it feels like a directive of how I should be acting around her (not that my behavior is ever knowingly offensive). But that could easily be more about my background than anything else, my other coworkers may not have that same reaction.

        1. Qwerty*

          Unless the shirt is specifically telling you how to interact with her, it’s not a directive on how you should act around her. Generally we try not to offend people of any religion, so knowing one coworker’s religion shouldn’t really be making that big of an impact.

          Plenty of people have non-religious decor or t-shirts telling people what to do. Would you feel this way if someone had a “Don’t talk to me before coffee” mug? What about a general t-shirt with the golden rule? Or if it was another non-Christian faith?

        2. RagingADHD*

          Okay, so you are treating her differently simply because you know her religious affiliation?

          That’s the same wheelhouse as treating someone differently because you saw them in a kippa or a headscarf, or because they mentioned celebrating Eid, or something.

          That’s really not good.

          2. Bad Bible*

            Nope, not treating her differently. Feeling an internal pressure to monitor myself. There’s a difference. Monitoring yourself doesn’t necessarily mean that you’ve deviated from the way you’d normally behave.

    6. CharlieBrown*

      I would be tempted to wear my shirt with tentacles on it that says “Keep the Cthulhu in Cthulhumas”. But that’s just me.

      2. Unum Hoc Scio*

        I would be tempted to wear a Flying Spaghetti Monster (complete with the wiggly tentacles) or a Darwin Fish T-shirt to see what their response would be. If it were derogatory or if it were completely oblivious, I would then know how personally to take their (possible) proselytizing.

    7. Despachito*

      It depends on what the verses refer to.

      I (an atheist) wear two T-shirts with Bible verses.

      One of them says “As a jewel of gold in a swine’s snout, so is a fair woman which is without discretion.”

      I love them (but I confess – pun intended – I would never wear them to work)

    8. Irish Teacher*

      This is probably completely unreasonable, but for me, it would very much depend on the verses. I would feel very differently about something that was just a general nicety, like “be not afraid” or even something social justicey like “when I was hungry, you gave me to eat,” than I would about something judgey or sort of seeming like it was aiming to convert people like “I am the Way, the Truth and the Life”.

      Actually, I have a sliding scale, I think. Something vague and just nice sentimenty, I wouldn’t have a problem with, just as I wouldn’t have a problem with a nice sentiment from Buddhism or paganism or any other belief system. Something social justicey probably wouldn’t bother me, because I would likely agree with it, but if somebody else had a problem with it, I would see that it could be seen as being just as preachy as a position I was opposed to. Something like “I am the Way, the Truth and the Life” would have me rolling my eyes. And something judgy I would consider completely unacceptable.

      That said, I can see even the nice sentimenty stuff bothering somebody who isn’t Christian in a way that something pagan or Buddhist might not bother somebody of those religions (at least assuming you are in a majority Christian country) simply because it would be one more example of Christianity as the default.

      1. Katiekins*

        I think if I saw someone wearing a shirt that said “I am the Way, the Truth, and the Light,” I would think, ” You? Tim from Accounting?”

      2. Bad Bible*

        Sadly I can’t remember the exact verse but it wasn’t proselytizing. It was some kind of exhortation like “Be strong and courageous!”. I think it was the chapter and verse reference that got me. It was the kind of shirt you’d get at a youth group retreat, if that’s familiar to anyone.

    9. Former Retail Manager*

      Let it go. As long as the co-worker isn’t asking if you know the Lord, move on.

  76. Higher Ed Kitten Party*

    There have been so many things I have asked for advice on in this comment section over the last year, and I haven’t had many updates, so here they are:

    1: My government office is resentful of the clients, hates the work, and makes me feel like a freak for being invested in the job. What do I do??
    Answer: Find a new job! It isn’t you!!

    2: I no longer want to work at a place that doesn’t put their money where their mouth is when it comes to DEI and focusing on students. How do I talk about this in the interview or explain why I am leaving my current position because of how little my office cares?
    Answer: You won’t have to. It will be so obvious that the students are the center of the work, and that the office Gets It, that it won’t even come up.

    3: Should I wear a blazer to this job interview?? It is supposed to rain and also be warm????
    Answer: I wore it and carried an umbrella. It was so sweltering in the office that I took it off as soon as I sat down, revealing all my tattoos also. Nobody cared. I got the job.

  77. Amethyst*

    Dropping a note to thank Alison for helping with an issue I was having at work (coworker of a year tried to frame herself as a mother to the rest of us). An old column and the comments in it about this issue and a coworker known for diplomacy helped me phrase a work-friendly request for her to stop with the momming since all other pointed jokey things I’d said to shut her down were ignored. (Left to my own devices, I’m as blunt as a bull in a china shop, lol.) Add to this mess a personal history of a long string of women forcibly momming me and stalking me when that failed + my own tendency to flee instead of confronting them…yeah.

    I sent this request yesterday. She took it well, much to my relief. She’s unusually quiet today, so I’m hoping she’s reevaluating herself and figuring out how to be a coworker and limit her mom side to her home life where it belongs.

    So thanks again, Alison! :)

    1. Sabine the Very Mean*

      Good for you. I Once sort of accidentally shut down an office mom the first time she tried it with me. I asked her why she was asking me that question and she responded that she was just worried about me. Without thinking I said, oh we don’t have that sort of relationship. Shut that right down without realizing what I had just said.

  78. Sabine the Very Mean*

    I’m trying to figure out if this is an intense response: my boss has an immunocompromised wife, I’m openly immunocompromised, and boss routinely surrounds himself with people and never masks. All of September was conferences every week and he partied the night away each time in hotel rooms packed with people.

    He also has never washed his hands after the bathroom (we all share one BR in a tiny office so I can tell). In 7 months, I’ve never heard him wash his hands.

    So I’m looking elsewhere. But is that a bit extreme? I realize many people don’t wash their hands but when I’m intimately faced with the knowledge, it’s harder to deal with.

    1. Eldritch Office Worker*

      I’m hesitating to respond because I am having a big reaction just reading it, but I think that’s the answer.

      You know it’s not *just* about handwashing, and while that would be enough in the context I think focusing on that issue is narrowing the scope of your very valid concerns. You don’t feel like your health and safety are being taken seriously even though you’re open about your needs, and you see someone being apparently careless with another immunocompromised person at home. You don’t know their situation or their agreements, but with all the other information you do have I’m sure it compounds your frustration.

      Leave, for your physical safety and your mental peace.

      1. ferrina*

        Exactly! I was having the same reaction, and Eldritch Office Worker articulated it really well.

    2. CharlieBrown*

      Your boss is gross. The rest of us learned to wash our hands after using the bathroom when we were what….three years old?

      Your boss sounds a lot like my old boss. Does he own the company? Is he independently wealthy? Was he born on second base but thinks he hit a double? Does he come from generational wealth? In my experience, most people like this feel the rules just don’t apply to them.

        1. Hotdog not dog*

          This. I once occupied an office that shared a non-insulated wall with the restroom. Given the frequency of hearing a flush followed by the door bumping shut with no running water sounds in between, I decided that I am never shaking hands with my colleagues again!

    3. RagingADHD*

      You are a grown-up and I presume you live in a right to work state. If you don’t want to work for your boss anymore, for any reason at all, you get to decide that for yourself.

      Quitting on the spot without anything else lined up would be so intense as to be foolish. But if the job were fantastic in every other respect, I don’t think would even cross your mind.

      When you interview, however, do not cite this as a reason for leaving.

    4. Nesprin*

      It’s not about the handwashing, its about how the handwashing signals a lack of consideration for your safety. I’d be out.

    5. Anons*

      If you’re uncomfortable, that’s a reason to leave. But truthfully, I think it’s highly likely that anywhere you work will involve people who socialize and don’t wash their hands in the bathroom. If you love the job otherwise, it might be worth thinking more about.

    7. Katiekins*

      I think the not masking around immunocompromised people (when his own wife is immunocompromised!) is a much bigger deal than the handwashing, and is a fine reason to want to leave an organization.

  79. Admiral Thrawn Is Always Blue*

    Three months into my new admin job, and I still don’t know how I feel about it. Heavily regulated, to the point of ridiculousness (no one’s lives/safety depend on any of this). They want a Mercedes in this role but can only pay for a Corolla. I’m a really good Corolla but will never be a Mercedes. And of course, the pay does NOT reflect a luxury model. On the plus side, the benefits are very good, lots of holidays off, I get my own office. And if I can stick with it, I will end up being a pretty darned good executive assistant somewhere.

    I guess I will keep trudging along.

    1. Anons*

      Read Star Wars novels to remind you of better galaxies? :)

      Some work places suck, but it sounds like you’ve got a plan make the most of it and move forward!

  80. This Old House*

    Am I the only one who spends all week going, “Ooh, that would be a good question for the Friday open thread” and then come Friday cannot remember a single question I have ever had about the workplace?

    1. Warrior Princess Xena*

      No you are not! I’ve had a question for at least two weeks now that I cannot for the life of me remember now and will be almost sure to remember what it is on Sunday or Monday. I should probably write it down somewhere :P

    3. Irish Teacher*

      I ALWAYS think of a good question about Sunday and think “it’s a bit late to be posting it now. I’ll wait until next Friday” and then…either forget it or decide it sounds stupid or forget the nuance and what is left sounds stupid.

  81. N C Kiddle*

    I am the LW from last week whose boyfriend’s company was regularly changing his work patterns at the last minute when we had planned to spend time together. This isn’t big enough to be a proper update, but he had an interview today for a similar job with another company. As mentioned in the comment thread, there’s no guarantee that this will entirely fix things, but I feel like it’s a good sign that he’s looking at other options. I made sure to share Alison’s advice about proceeding as if you didn’t get the job while waiting to hear, and he says he can never judge how an interview went but they said he was one of their strongest candidates.

    1. Hlao-roo*

      Thanks for this mini-update and I hope your boyfriend’s job search/his next job work out well for both of you!

    2. ferrina*

      Yay! I hope your boyfriend is able to get that sorted out! A fresh start sounded like it would really help.

  82. DisneyChannelThis*

    Low stakes question, do you sign the greetings card if you are not contributing to the gift card for a coworker? Feels bad not to sign card but worse to try and claim credit toward a gift card I am not contributing to (no cash on me, not super eager to hand money to coworker either).

    1. No Tribble At All*

      Yep, you can still sign! It’s still a nice “thinking of you ” for the coworker, not claiming credit.

    2. Anonymous Educator*

      Why wouldn’t you sign? Unless the card says “This gift is from all of us”…

    4. Irish Teacher*

      I think there’s sort of an unspoken agreement in our workplace that if you sign, you contribute, but I guess it’s a “know your culture” thing.

  83. Sleepy Alpaca*

    Weird informational interview question here –

    I applied to a position at the same company I’m at now but in a different department. The department aligns more with what I went to school for than my current position (it’s a business intelligence analyst job, I studied data analytics, and currently work as a claims analyst). The hiring manager reached out to me and asked if I wanted to have in informational meeting before interviewing with him to get some more familiarity with the department, and I said yes.

    My thought process was that it would be a lot easier to explain why I’m a good candidate if I know in more detail what goes on over there… but all the advice I can find for informational interviews is for people, mostly students, speaking to someone who is *not* looking to hire them. Which is fine, because that’s what informational interviews are supposed to be! But it just leaves me a little lost.

    I have a google doc rn with what I think I want to cover – I want to open by giving my current understanding of what they do, then in theory he’ll explain more and we’ll talk a bit, and then I have a list of questions (which might end up covered when he talks, in which case I’ll skip those) asking about what they typically deal with / what a day is like / etc., as well as asking about how he got started, if there’s anything he wished he knew when he was starting out, what skills are most important. Does that seem ok? I’m not sure how much more I can ask beyond that – or if I even should ask anything beyond that, because I don’t want to cross into too much “interview” territory. I see that in informational interviews people will often ask about how to make themselves a better job candidate, but doing so here when I know I’ll be interviewing with the same person soon after feels… incorrect, lol.

    1. ferrina*

      Your questions sound really good! You’re approaching this the right way- this is a chance to get really familiar with what they do, and you will use that to figure out if this feels like a good fit for you. Only one amendment- you don’t need to ask about his background, since the focus of this will be learning more about the department (and maybe the role)

      Some of my favorite questions include:
      -What does your department do that no one knows that you do?
      -What kinds of things pose the biggest headache for your department?
      -What knowledge does someone need to come in with versus what will they be expected to learn on the job? (this is really helpful for both you and him- if you don’t have fundamental knowledge that they expect, that needs to be flagged)

  84. Offer Rejection Nerves*

    Is it ok to decline an offer after verbally saying yes to it?

    I discovered after my initial offer that remote work flexibility (based in a city I live in currently) may not be as “flexible” as I was promised. It sounds like being remote is contingent on a lot of things. (Time at the company, deadlines of projects…essentially “You can only have remote days when the company says so but we’re not sure when those days are given the tight deadlines our company runs in.”)

    I just feel so guilty and nervous but also can’t put myself in a position where remote work days are not on at least a predictable schedule.

    I’ve seen Allison’s response to rescinding answers so I know the overall answer is “It’s ok.” I think what I’m looking for is advice on how to deal with the weird feelings of guilt/nervousness/anxiety that comes with doing so.

    1. Bully For You*

      Absolutely! I had to do this recently where I shared, “After reviewing the official offer, I’m not in a position to leave my current job.”
      Or you could be more blunt and share that you were told you would have X flexibility during the interview process, but Y flexibility is reality. And, unfortunately, you cannot leave your current job for anything less than X flexibility.
      Remember, it’s okay for a job not to work for you! I felt guilty for a couple of days after I rejected my offer and then realized the company isn’t a sentient being. Not to mention it would have no problem disregarding my feelings and letting me go if it deigned my position as lacking value.

    2. Anonymous Educator*

      I don’t know if this’ll help, but I had an experience with not declining after saying yes, and then regretting it.

      I had a job offer from company A. I really wanted to work at company B, so I reached out to company B to say “Hey, I have another offer. What’s going on?” I heard nothing from company B for several days, so I went ahead and accepted the offer from company A. Then, suddenly company B offered me the job, but I turned it down, because I’d already accepted the job at company A and wanted to honor my original commitment.

      Within several weeks, I ended up quitting the job at company A, because it wasn’t a good fit (won’t go into details), and I realized that I put myself through a bad fit and wasted company A’s training on me, just so they’ll end up having to hire and train someone else later anyway. I could have saved everyone a lot of trouble if I’d just declined the company A offer after accepting it. Would it have been awkward? Sure. It still would have been for the best for everyone, though. Fortunately, company B still had the opportunity available (and it ended up being a great fit for me).

      So I can’t say you’ll be in quite the same situation, but I hope my anecdote helps you feel less guilt/anxiety/nervousness.

    3. Casper Lives*

      I said yes then called back to withdraw my agreement the same day. We were both pleasant and professional about it. I would offer your apologies, say you thought about the offer more but it wasn’t the right job for you at this time, and know that you might’ve burned a bridge (or not, depending on the company).

      The job I did this for was an attorney for a debt collection firm. I was scared about being unemployed, but upon reflection, I couldn’t do the job. I got the feeling that happened often for them.

    4. Despachito*

      Would it help you to feel less guilty if you reframed your mental response from guilt to mild anger? What they did to you seems very much as a bait and switch, and I think you have every right to be mad at them.

      I do not mean “anger” as the incapacitating thing that blinds us and makes us act foolish, but just enough that you realize that they did something unfair to you and you are not declining X you had previously said yes to (although even that would be OK), but Y they switched it for and you never agreed to.

  85. Please just fix your water leaks!*

    Does anyone have experience working in collections for a utility and waiving fines or lowering bills due to hardship?

    I work for a tiny water company that has historically had cheap water (think $120/year for an family of 4). Due to a drought, this year we were forced to change our tiered rate structure to be extremely expensive after the first tier. We did make sure that there is enough water in the first tier that people would not have trouble staying there if they stick to the basics, and those people’s bills (mine included) stayed the same. We sent out letters, postcards, did social media and billboards letting our customers know of the changes. All excess revenue is going directly into our conservation program.

    The problem is that some people are calling in claiming they did not know about the changes, and asking for their bill to be dropped because they can’t afford it. I do feel for these people, and if it were just about money I would waive it without thinking, but it’s not. Our drinking water supply is in such critical danger that if this mission isn’t successful we are looking at no outdoor water at all in the future. Often people’s excuses will be something like they didn’t realize they had a sprinkler head stuck open and used 150kgal in a month without noticing, and I want to cry when I hear about the waste.

    Does anyone have experience navigating this? Should I hold the line when I get calls from widows on fixed incomes who can’t take care of their houses? We’re geographically isolated so I don’t have any nearby companies I can call and ask their policies. We already give people 2 month extensions to pay their bills.

    (Management is okay with me doing whatever I think best, as long as complaints don’t escalate to their level.)

    1. Casper Lives*

      Is there a way to give people a 1 time grace period? I realize that might get too expensive, you might not be able to confirm they’re telling you the truth, and you might not be able to track it (though all utility companies should be able to have notes & tracking on accounts).

      I ask because this sounds like a huge change. People should absolutely pay attention to the notices and mailings. But many won’t. The first bill will be an unpleasant and not budgeted for shock.

      If you stand firm about a one time exception and that a leaky sprinkler won’t excuse them from paying a bill ever again (why do they have a sprinkler system in a low water environment? I digress), then you’ll have an explanation if the people are planning to go above your head to whine to your bosses for every bill. It’s up to you!

    2. Decidedly Me*

      Start with the hard line. A lot of people ask (because the worst you can say is no) and when told no, they’ll move on.

      After that – what about a discount on this first bill? Not the old rate, but not the full new rate either, with the expectation that this is a one time thing only.

      These are my thoughts from general customer service experience – not collections.

    3. Ginger Baker*

      I super get your frustration (environmental worry! “why do you not ever read anything?!?!” etc.) – maybe you can strike a balance where you give people one (1) “special exemption” and make clear on the phone (and maybe in a follow up email? but I would focus on the phone call with a tone of “I super get it, I know it’s a big adjustment”) and have a script basically like “We made these changes for multiple reasons and we did extensive advertising of them via social media, postcards, and more. Most people adjusted and have had no issue, and we are not going to be reverting because [more about reasons]. That said, I hear you and it sucks that you didn’t realize [the shower was on for a solid month/your kids made an entire lake in your backyard/you didn’t realize and ran a fundraising carwash out of your driveway]. I am able to give you a one-time exemption and write off this overage, but unfortunately once we do that I won’t be able to offer any further reductions in the future, so please make sure you [stop filling the lake/fix your faucet/train your cat to drink out of a water bowl like a normal pet who doesn’t need to splash herself with running water to drink] since I don’t want you to end up in this situation again.” (aka the “I am being sooooo nice to you because I want to be helpful and keep you from having this issue in the future!” vibe).

      Obviously it’s not as good as “everyone else got it, why can’t you ffs” but it might go a ways towards getting sympathy for the need to conserve water, especially if you essentially very nicely hold them hostage to listening to your whole spiel about the necessity of conservation in order to get this one-time discount.

    4. OyHiOh*

      With the change in rate structure, it might be appropriate to also create a structured payment plan option or a “balanced billing” type plan, that averages cost out over 12 months, and is usually accessible/affordable to people on fixed incomes.

      Last, if your department can spare a body or two for the job, even part time, offering a “water use assessment” for people who are surprised by their new bills could be a useful tool as well.

      You can introduce those options as people call in. It maintains the consistency of the new fee structure, and also provides humane options for people with needs

    5. just another queer reader*

      I like the “grace period” idea. Tell them you’ll give them a discount/ bill at the previous rate this time, but make sure they understand that it’s changing and this is a one time exception.

      Any chance your company or a contractor could go around to people who are using lots of water to help find and fix leaks? I’ve heard of other utilities doing “demand side” conservation projects and it sounds like this service could be extremely useful, especially if it’s free.

      1. Ginger Baker*

        ^that last part, omg. I had a bathtub leak that has in fact over time cost MAJOR money in water bills, but, that can be put off whereas a plumber cost cannot be so, it waited MONTHS until I could afford to hire a plumber to fix it :/ #TheSamVimesBootTheoryOfEconomics

    6. just another queer reader*

      A few years ago my internet company changed from unlimited to a monthly cap on internet usage. They probably told us in advance, but two months in I realized we were WAY over the cap. What in the world?? It turned out that our neighbors were using our internet so we (kindly) booted them off which solved the problem.

      The internet company, fortunately, had a 2 month grace period, so we didn’t get charged extra before we were able to figure out and solve the problem.

    7. The Prettiest Curse*

      This isn’t a direct comparison, but I used to live in a neighbourhood that was at extremely high risk for wildfires. The city wanted to get everyone’s properties (occupied or not) into compliance with their regulations around defensible space so your property had the best chance of surviving a fire. They would inspect your property 3 times during fire season – inspections were a few weeks apart to give you time to fix stuff. You would also get letters and automated phone messages letting you know when the process was starting and reminding you to get your property into compliance.

      The first time they would leave you a notice saying “you need to fix X” (X might be cutting back a hedge, removing dead tree limbs etc.) The second time you’d get a notice saying “you still need to fix X and it needs to be done by DATE.” The third time, they would tell you that, since you were out of compliance and hadn’t done X, they would have the work done by city contractors and then bill you for it.

      They always had an appeals process where you could call the fire department and argue your case, send photos etc. (I think you could still choose to have the work done after the final warning, you just had to send evidence it had been done.)

      This method was pretty effective. Most people can understand 3 warnings, and if you have robust protections in place for people who are having financial issues (for example – a payment plan, discounts for people on fixed incomes, a partnership with any local nonprofits or other agencies who can help people locate financial support for necessary repairs), and include this info in all communications, that will also help. Communicate a lot and let people know why the policy is changing and how the new system will work. There are always going to be people who use way more water than they need and will just be willing to pay fines – read up on how water agencies in California handle persistent water wasters. Good luck!

    8. Anon for This*

      You are the one talking to these people – are you sure they are widows on fixed incomes? (And if so, why are they using so much water?) I’ve seen too many internet memes and stories about people telling tales like that to get out of bills. Try holding the line, and see where it goes. If you do want to help someone out, do you have the option of offering an audit of the usage? If so, I’d link a one-time reduction of the bill to an audit to discover why the bill is so high.

  86. Bully For You*

    I’ve been at my current WFH job for just over a year. My organization is new, but the company itself has been around for 50+ years. As a result, there are many people who have been at the company for 10+ years- I’m the only “new” person on my team of 6 who has less than 15 years at the company.
    Over time, I have noticed both my manager and manager’s manager giving my work an extra level of scrutiny and holding me to a different standard than my coworkers. My coworkers have also noticed this and shard this observation with me. It’s getting to the point where people outside the immediate team have shared they believe The Managers setting me up to fail and trying to manage me out (e.g. editing something I wrote by replacing “in order to” with “to”).
    My manager tagged me in a teams chat (visible to everyone on the team) the other day with a question about the process related to a quarterly organization-wide event I’m planning. She shared that people who were added to the attendee list for the last event were not invited. I responded I was unaware of that issue as I had continued to add people to the event through the morning of said event.
    Manager then reached out to me privately with, “I just made you aware.” I requested more information to help determine where the disconnect/issue occurred. I found proof that the people she claimed weren’t invited had 1) been invited and 2) had the event on their calendars. I shared #thereceipts and asked if there was someone else I had missed. Manager then claimed their leader had forwarded them the invite, “Rather than digging further into what was and what wasn’t, can we focus on the future invitations and get them done correctly. I consider this feedback to you which you should acknowledge and move on, making things better for the future. ”
    First, the event itself had its forwarding abilities disabled. Second, I reached out to the Leader and Leader confirmed she had not added the people to event. Third, how do I make something better when there was no mistake to being with?

    My question for you all: how do I handle a manager who willingly lies? Part of my issue is that I know she’s going to mark this as a performance issue (“lack of attention to detail,” “unwillingness to take criticism,” “defiant attitude,” etc). I’m willing to roll my eyes over much of what she does, but I do not want something that is unequivocally false (with proof!) to be used as an example of “poor performance” (or as justification to put me on a PIP).

    1. irene adler*

      I don’t know; dealing with people who blatantly lie is like trying to tackle a seven-headed serpent. How do you subdue all seven heads? Gotta watch your back at all times.

      What is it that you want to handle? You cannot stop her from lying. You cannot stop her from twisting situations into ways to downrate your performance – if that is her goal.

      Either get out or resign yourself to her lying.

      If you are able to document the lies, would it be worth bringing the documentation to HR? IF so, what would they do that won’t result in repercussions for you? She may continue in her quest to manage you out- only she will be more careful in how she does this.

      This manager is a bully. I’m sorry.

    2. ferrina*

      Start looking for another job. Your manager is gunning for you, and you can’t do your job at that point. You’ve already seen that she’s making you a scapegoat- rather than find out what happened and correct another manager, she immediately blamed you. She’s gaslighting you, and that will take a major toll on your mental health.

      It’s not hard to find reasons to put someone on a PIP. I was once put on an “unofficial” PIP because my team was overloaded and my manager refused to hire someone else. She decided to blame me for not being “productive” enough (even though I was more productive than anyone on the team, with the most responsibility and the fewest mistakes) and blamed me for “poor communication” when she didn’t read her emails, IMs or listen in the meeting (I had literally told her something multiple times, and she still repeated the wrong information and blamed me).

      Facts won’t save you. You need to leave.

    3. RagingADHD*

      IME, you deal with it by not trying to prove you were right, thanking them for pointing it out, and asking them to clarify what you should do differently going forward.

      You do the thanking in the group chat, and the asking for clarification privately.

    5. Hydrangea*

      Do you have HR? Do you know what they are like to deal with?

      At some companies, HR reps are available to help you with troublesome interactions, including with your manager. You have to frame it carefully, though. I would lead with your final question and say something like, “I’m hoping for some insight into how to approach feedback where I am asked to improve something and prevent future mistakes when everything went as planned and there were no mishaps.”

      It might be that HR sucks or they just don’t want to deal with you. That happens. It’s worth looking into whether someone would be available to help you out, especially since you want to get ahead of the story if your boss is making notes that paint you are unwilling to take criticism.

  87. Pichi*

    Looking for advice on anybody that’s been on this same situation. I started a new job a few months ago and can’t get used to it/not hate it. The company overall is great with amazing benefits and pretty good salary, company wide the culture seems great but my department does not seem to fit that culture at all. There’s been essentially no training, no real explanation of responsibilities or expectations, no goals beyond basic day to day functions, I don’t understand where my team fits within the department and my manager is completely hands off to the point that we’re averaging 2 hs of interaction per month. Teams within the department do not communicate with each other and every single task or decision needs so many people involved that it gets to the point that nobody owns anything and everything takes a lot longer than it should. To be fair, while I had a significant increase in benefits and salary, it was a step down in terms of responsibility, which I was very happy to take. I just don’t know if a- I’m not a right fit and should cut my losses now and move on b- try to stay for at least a year and see if things get better (are they giving me a lot of space because I’m new?) or c- need to get through this transition period, recalibrate my expectations and realize I’m in a new place and things will be different and give it some more time before making a decision (how much time?). Don’t really trust anybody yet to even have this conversation or ask them about their experience. TIA

    1. anon on this*

      *cue silent screaming*

      This was me a year ago. The company meant well, but was super disorganized and had no real knowledge transfer. I didn’t know my goals, role, responsibility, authority….anything. It was deeply demoralizing, didn’t get them the results that they wanted, and wasted a lot of everyone’s time because I had to redo a ton of work and spend countless hours tracking people down to get the info I needed.

      I’d start applying elsewhere. You can’t make this situation any better, and it’s pretty rare that it does get better. I ended up on a PIP (of course I wasn’t meeting expectations! No one told me what the expectations were!). Luckily I was able to get an internal transfer to a team that actually communicated with me.

    2. Gary Patterson’s Cat*

      Sounds like my company!
      Plus add in the fifth reorg in five years. They’re hiring back up again and I pity the new hires because nobody knows what they’re supposed to do and there is no way to even take ownership of your work.

  88. Future retiree*

    Here’s a fun one for the creative thinkers

    After many years working with a government entity I will be eligible to retire in two weeks. I am not going to retire just yet for various reasons but it is nice to know that if I just get fed up I could! My team has a pretty good sense of humor so on my first day in the office when I’m eligible I want to bring in a cake cookies something like that with a humorous message along the lines of don’t tick me off or I’m out of here… kind of joking Kinda not so I want to keep it light hearted.
    Any suggestions what I should bring in and what the message should be ? I keep thinking of The “I quit “in cod , but I don’t think cod is quite appropriate for my industry…

    1. ferrina*

      A car cake, like the kind you’d get for a kid’s birthday. Message like: “Not re-tire-ing…. yet”
      Bonus points if you can get the cake that comes with actual Hot Wheels cars on it.

      1. Hlao-roo*

        I like this idea! You could also decorate cookies to look like tires (or order cookies decorated like tires?).

    2. CharlieBrown*

      Oh gosh, I think a cake with a picture of a fish on it would be hilarious. And then when they ask, just say “It’s an inside joke.”

      I remember reading years ago (was it in Reader’s Digest) when some musicians ordered a birthday cake for a colleague who played the upright bass (think, big cello) and asked for a bass (musical instrument) on it, but got a cake with a bass (the fish) on it instead.

    3. This Old House*

      What about something like “Here because I want to be” or “Here for as long as I want to be”?

      Or does your office often have cake, cookies, etc? The cake could say something along the lines of “Sticking around for the cake.”

    4. Alton Brown's Evil Twin*

      You know how people have countdown calendars? 17 days until vacation/Christmas/etc?

      Can you do one in reverse? “Days until Eligible for Retirement” with negative numbers. You can start it on Monday, with a 10. But then keep going past 0.

    5. WellRed*

      Is it a well known thing that you could retire if you wanted? I’m the outlier here, but I don’t love this idea and can’t put my finger on why.

      1. A Girl Named Fred*

        I’m having a similar lukewarm reaction and I think maybe the feeling is coming from “know your workplace”? I’ve worked places where this would be seen as a light-hearted joke, especially if the person is a strong performer known to have a solid work ethic. But I’ve also worked places where this would be seen as borderline insubordination or like a passive aggressive way to tell folks you were unhappy, and I think enough of my previous roles have leaned that way that I wouldn’t do it. But, if you’re sure that your office is the former type, I like the idea of the negative numbers under “Days Until Eligible for Retirement”!

      2. linger*

        The phrasing essentially celebrates the facts that (i) OP is now in a privileged position compared to coworkers still more tightly bound to their roles, and (ii) others now need to treat OP more carefully to keep you around. That’s maybe not the most sympathetic messaging combination. Unless there’s enough basic goodwill in OP’s workplace to allow those to land as jokes and not as pointed comments (regarding which, the stated “joking/not joking” ambivalence doesn’t bode well), there may not be much room for coworkers (especially if they’re struggling) to genuinely feel happy for OP about (i), and that room is further reduced by the restrictions apparently placed on them by (ii). But the same sentiment can be cast more positively, and reflecting more positively on relations with coworkers, e.g. as “This means that from now on, I’m only here because I want to be”.

      3. Captain+dddd-cccc-ddWdd*

        Yeah, I would rethink this. It does come off as rubbing their nose in it (especially as OP of the thread admitted they are only half joking). At a time when a lot of people are financially insecure I think this especially won’t land well.

        I actually work with someone (I’m senior to them but not their manager) who is at the “could retire if I want” stage in their life, any time something doesn’t go their way they make remarks about “I could retire any time if I get fed up with this” etc. I’ve shut that one down by pushing them for cross training and documentation!

    6. Free Meerkats*

      I’ve been full public retirement system retirement eligible for over 6 months. While discussing something with one of our HR folks, I mentioned that I “Am one bad day from calling in retired.” She got a haunted look on her face and said, “You wouldn’t be the first. Please don’t.”

      I don’t have anything better than what’s already been listed, though I really like the negative countdown clock idea. Maybe a board with “Days I haven’t retired … YET” and the chalkboard spot to write the number on.

  89. New to the Office*

    I can’t tell if I’m being over-sensitive about this one. My boss will put messages in Zoom meetings while I (and other people) am talking that are completely unrelated to what I’m saying. I get that this is normal for larger meetings, but it happens in meetings with 3 or 4 people. She’ll also post unrelated messages in Slack, tagging me, in the middle of Zoom meetings with 3 or 4 people, sometimes while I’m talking! It seems like she’s clearly not listening to me. It feels deeply disrespectful. Am I being overly sensitive? (She does this to other people, too, not just me)

    1. ferrina*

      I’d try to let it go. Yes, it usually means that she’s not listening, but unless it’s key information, this is kind of up to her. She’s unlikely to stop, so unless she’s missing key information, just shrug it off.
      (Minor tangential benefit: She’s less likely to notice if you have an embarrassing zoom moment)

    2. RagingADHD*

      I think you are being too sensitive, yes. While it would be flattering to believe that everyone in a live or virtual meeting is 100 percent focused all the time, it’s not a realistic expectation. And as the boss, she can get away with ping-ponging around when other people can’t.

      Dropping messages in the chat is a lot less disrespectful than if she interrupted and talked over you.

    4. New to the Office*

      Thanks for the feedback, y’all! I’m new to office culture coming from an education background, where paying attention is highly valued. I’m adjusting to this culture and appreciate the reality check. On reflection, I certainly don’t listen fully in meetings, but I just hide it better ;)

  90. Insert Clever Name*

    Maybe a double ponytail (high pony tail with the top layer of hair, low pony tail with all of it)?

    Not as useful for putting it up quickly, but french braiding might help when the in-between length is driving you up the wall.

  91. PregnantLady*

    Hi! I am currently 9 weeks pregnant and would love some advice on managing pregnancy symptoms at work, especially fatigue, from those who have been there. I work in a public-facing agency, though I am usually in the back office, and am required to be on site at least 40 hours a week. I’m not wanting to tell anyone at work until I am well out of the first trimester, especially since I applied for a promotion a couple months back. Also, would love advice on keeping the bump concealed in a business casual environment. Thanks!

    1. ferrina*

      Ugh, the fatigue! That hit me hard. Luckily I worked from home, so no advice on that.

      For outfits, look for looser versions of what you would usually wear. Anything with side rouching or crossbody patterns will disguise any early changes. I had a favorite pair of black maternity pants (the kind with elastic). The black elastic blended in really nicely to the black fabric, so it was really hard to see the elastic. If you’re in the northern hemisphere, take advantage of the cold weather to wear bulkier sweaters.

  92. Liz in the Midwest*

    Hey all! Any ideas for part-time jobs for the recently retired? My dad is starting to look at retirement from his full-time job, but will still need to work part-time. He has been in the car business for decades–sometimes as a manager, mostly (for the flexibility) a salesman. He is REALLY GOOD at sales.

    Other info that might help give you ideas for suggestions: he’s 66, he’s a former army MP, he likes to read, he likes kids (the main goal of retiring is to spend more time with his grandkids), he used to work out a lot and has a strong martial arts background, he’s very comfortable talking to people (as you can imagine, given the sales background).

    Given that he has made quite good money as a car salesman, I know he doesn’t want to get a $10-hour job at a grocery store or something, but I also know that there are fewer options for part-time work.

    1. Hlao-roo*

      There was a similar question in last week’s open thread. I’ll link to it in a follow-up comment.

      One suggestion that came up last time that your dad might be interested in is part-time work for a school system. School bus driver, substitute teacher, etc. The pay will likely not compare to what he made as a car salesman.

    2. ferrina*

      Camp counselor/after-school programs teacher.

      Try your local rec center- they are almost always looking for people that can teach programs.

      He can also look at retail selling something that he loves- my retirement plan is to work at my local indy bookstore :)

      1. Liz in the Midwest*

        Given that he’s a former MP, my personal choice is that he work at this mystery-themed bookstore near me and then get wrapped up solving actual mysteries. (At the very least, I would read a series with this premise, haha.) He owns an enormous number of cardigans, he’d be perfect in a bookstore.

        Seriously, these are a lot of good ideas! thanks!

    3. WellRed*

      Maybe work for a dealership shuttling customers or delivering auto parts to garages for Napa.

      1. WellRed*

        Caveat: I don’t know where there are $10 an hour jobs anymore so maybe these pay poorly in your area?

        1. Liz in the Midwest*

          I was just guessing, I have no idea what they pay. I meant it in a vague “low paying” way, rather than a specific exact amount. :-)

    4. CharlieBrown*

      Oh gosh, if he knows anything at all about how cars work, he might want to work at an auto-parts store. Lots of conversations with people about cars, lots of trouble-shooting, etc.

    5. T. Boone Pickens*

      Does your location have a big box retail store like a Best Buy/Nebraska Furniture Mart etc? Also, maybe doing sales at a cell phone store like Verizon/AT&T? I know in a lot of those locations the sales folks work part-time and do have the ability to earn commission. Might be something to look at?

      1. Liz in the Midwest*

        Oh no kidding, I didn’t realize they earned commissions! That is good to know, thanks!

      1. Gary Patterson’s Cat*

        Lol! That’s what I was thinking. Don’t they hire PT sales for weekends or 2-3 days per week?

        How about auctioneer at a auto auction? There was a big auto auction in my home town that had a variety of part time jobs because the auction is only 1-2 days per week.

        Service desk? Like a Pep Boys.
        Auto tags store / notary?

  93. consultantinwait*

    Any consultants here? I sent two proposals recently to two owners who seemed interested after our meeting. Because I’ve been in this line of work for so long, I have decided to up my prices. Both business owners have gone quiet.

    Anyone been in this position? I try to look out for myself but the world won’t let me.

    1. ferrina*

      I work at a corporate consultancy, and this is really normal. We expect not to hear back from a certain percentage of folks that talk to us (whether it’s sticker shock, or they went with a competitor and aren’t telling us, or they decided to go in a different direction, etc.). Feel free to reach out to see if they have any thoughts or want to discuss different options (like if they want to go for a more basic option that fits their budget better)

      1. consultantinwait*

        Thank you. I’ve reached out saying let’s talk it through. I am not THAT up for negotiating, but I might be. It’s a lot of work and I hope not to have to compromise. But I’m keeping an open mind.

    2. Warrior Princess Xena*

      Did you up your prices between initially meeting with the owners and sending your proposal? If you did, then I can see why they might have viewed that as a bait and switch and gone quiet. If you already had a price increase then my sympathies.

      1. consultantinwait*

        My prices are not published anywhere. They asked me for a proposal based on a brief. I really wish companies gave your their max budget.

        Thank you for alerting me about the perception of bait and switch. I hadn’t thought about that. That is icky. Really hoping that’s not the case :(

        1. ferrina*

          You can ask them for their budget range! This is really normal practice in my industry.
          “Just so we’re on the same page, what’s your budget for this? As I’m sure you know, prices can range a lot, so I want to make sure that what I propose matches your budget.”

          Another trick we do is to offer 3 options- a budget option, a middle option (which is usually exactly what we’d suggest anyways), and a All The Bells And Whistles option. Since this is more work, we only do this with clients that we think will have sticker shock. (Bonus- the middle range option looks more appealing next to a higher priced option)

    1. Alton Brown's Evil Twin*

      Like cropped to elbow length? I think in some industries that would be perfectly fine, but not for more buttoned-down places.

      If you’re just talking a few inches above the wrist, I doubt most people would notice.

  95. CorgiMom21*

    I’ve been applying to state jobs and jobs at my local university, but haven’t heard anything back for several weeks. My application status on their websites just says “application received”. Is it typical for state governments and universities to take a long time for the hiring process?

    1. ferrina*

      SO NORMAL. Honestly, several weeks would be not unusual in most industries, but academia is famous for having looooooong processes.

    2. This Old House*

      YES. I once got a rejection letter from a city government 6+ months after having interviewed, and I don’t even know how long it was between application and interview. And the process at my current public institution of higher ed, when I got hired (they’re trying to get better, but better than the baseline is still not great) was 9 months from when I was told the position would be posted to when I actually got my offer letter. Every step of the process is long – all the way from getting the position approved through to getting a start date.

    5. H.C.*

      Yep, it was a whole 9 months from my application submission to my first day in my current job in municipal government & it was only 2 interviews + a skills test.

    6. M.*

      I can’t speak for state govenments, but for higher education? EXTREMELY normal. Honestly, several weeks is on the lower side of that spectrum. I’ve known it to take months before hearing anything. Our university moves at a glacial pace, which is incredibly frustrating for even internal employees, so I can only imagine outside candidates asking themselves what TF is going on.

    7. BubblesBubblesBubbles*

      It’s so ridiculously normal. I have worked at a university my entire career, and I recently applied to some non-higher ed jobs. One hiring manager called me the very next day and I was so shocked, I panicked on the call. I was really not expecting anyone to get back to me for weeks, if at all!

    8. E.*

      Public university person here. Extremely normal. Also there has been so much support staff turnover in universities recently that running searches is taking extra long since many areas are missing key HR/business office people who often help support searches and keep things running smoothly. It’s not you, it’s us.

  96. Tara R.*

    I posted this last week, but a bit late– thought I would see if there are any more thoughts. Thanks to the people who had some ideas last week!

    Does anyone have advice on becoming a person who gives concise, illuminating explanations to new hires rather than rambling on at them and inundating them with information delivered stream of consciousness? We have some new interns, and I really want to be a helpful presence rather than an overwhelming one, but I feel like I open my mouth to answer a question and somehow find myself talking about the history of the Parisian sewer system (or, y’know, code styling decisions we made three years ago that are completely unrelated to the task at hand).

    I know, because I’ve been an intern and a new hire, that too much information is overwhelming! But I’m someone who thinks out loud, and it can be hard to know what’s the relevant/bare bones background info. I do a little better when it’s something that’s scheduled ahead of time and I can plan what I should and shouldn’t cover, but obviously there are lots of adhoc questions and I can’t script every word I say! Has anyone succeeded in improving at this? Tips on holding back my natural inclination to let words pour endlessly out of my mouth?

    (I don’t have a formal ADHD diagnosis, although I have quite a few symptoms and my therapist at least believes I likely have it.)

    1. Eldritch Office Worker*

      This is something I struggle with. Short scripts for commonly asked questions is helpful. Taking a beat to think before you answer, try to develop a rhythm where you stop every so often to hear yourself talking and see if you’re where you want to be – which also let’s others interject if they need to.

      It’s hard, it takes dedicated practice. I would also say if an answer can be one sentence, leave it at one sentence. The more time you can spend answering questions with short answers, the more obvious long answers will seem to you.

      But even then all that is just a management strategy, it doesn’t stop the inclination. It’s hard!

      1. Tara R.*

        Pausing! Such a simple idea, yet so difficult to implement haha. I will work on that for sure. I don’t get a lot of opportunities for scripting– a lot of what I’m explaining are tasks that I’m assigning, and those are always different– but now that I’m typing it out I realize that there is some commonality in the background “So this is generally what this thing is meant to do and how it’s meant to work” info that I (haphazardly and with great variation) give on the first task in each of the different areas we work in. That background info is probably some of my most rambling-prone, so a short summary for that would be helpful!

      2. Range vs Salary Band*

        This may not work for neurodiverse people, but I put artificial limits on my answers – I *always* have to answer in two sentences (and then STOP). If necessary, check in after the stop and be more interested in their experience than your monologue. These sentences have to be, ya know, direct, not “sentences” that are paragraphs. This is why the pause after a question. “How am I going to answer this in two sentences?” is the prompt I want in my head. Solidarity, I *love* to think out loud and it’s part of my process, and I have only very slowly learned the right time / wrong times & people to do that for

    2. Alton Brown's Evil Twin*

      I think this is tangential to a lot of public speaking problems/advice.

      1. Slow. Down. You’re the expert, you know this, the person asking the question doesn’t. You aren’t giving them a good explanation if you buzz through it at 200 words/minute. And if you slow down, you’ll give the other person the opportunity to say “OK, got it” before you end up in the Parisian sewers.

      2. Think of this like a basic 5-paragraph essay, but read aloud. One paragraph of introduction, ~3 paragraphs of content, one paragraph of summary. Before you open your mouth, know what the bullet point is for each of those 5 paragraphs, and keep those in mind. This dovetails nicely w/ point 1 to slow down. Just take a breath, say “right, yeah, I can explain that”, and then go on.
      * We mostly use LlamaScript++ for the front-end code.
      * We settled on that in 2017, before AlpacaNode was available, and we also looked at ChocLib and TPS.
      * We know that it has issues with database interfaces, so that’s why we built a big library of functions to address that.
      * If you use TeapotPro as your IDE, it will highlight if you’ve used any unapproved libraries.
      * It’ll take a few weeks to get up to speed; if you have any particular questions about the language, we have a Wiki, you can borrow any of my books, or you can ask Wakeen or me.

      3. Pay attention to body language — you’ll know when you’ve given too much detail or gotten off course by the crinkled eyes, raised eyebrows, open mouths, hands brought to face, hunched shoulders, etc.

      1. Eldritch Office Worker*

        Body language! That one is huge. Adding: eyes glazing over, looking scared or overwhelmed, looking around like they want to escape. I have found I overanalyze body language and it annoys people sometimes if I apologize for rambling and they were listening but I think that’s less frequent than when I get the signals to stop and they’re correct.

        1. Tara R.*

          You know, I thought I’d gotten much worse at this over the last couple years somehow, but I’m realizing that maybe us still being mostly remote and often having our cameras off is exacerbating my problem! The interns typically turn their cameras on when I do, so I’ll start turning mine on for these calls.

      2. Tara R.*

        Thank you, these are some awesome suggestions! Slowing down is definitely the most important thing, and something I really struggle with. I think part of the problem is that I struggle to come up with my “three paragraphs of content” silently– it’s just hard for me to process/think without talking out loud. (I am one of those people that actually has a debugging duck on my desk, haha.) But it’s a skill that I need to work on, and I know that I *can* do it, it just takes some more effort. And the intro and conclusion is such a good tip, I often sort of wrap up my initial explanation and then… trail off into another, much less-related topic, because I don’t really know what to say to cap things off.

        (Now I want to code in LlamaScript!)

    3. ferrina*

      Ah, my friend, you speak my language! I am ADHD, and I give a lot of trainings, including new hire/intern trainings.

      It sounds like you’re doing ad hoc advice rather than organized trainings, so my big tip is to practice giving an opt in. If they are asking how to do a task, say “that one’s a bit tricky. Do you want me to give an explanation, or do you want me to share my screen and do a walkthrough?” or “The short version is…..[1-2 sentences]. The long version is, well, long. Do you want to hear it, or should I save it for later?”

      If you do ramble, apologize. “I’m sorry, I know that was a long explanation. I hope it helped!” Or “Sorry, I know that was pretty long! Did that answer the gist of your question?” I’ve actually given ramble alerts to people- “Ooh, I love that question and could talk for hours, but I’ll try not to ramble.” That way you can actually process your own social awkwardness out loud- “Oh shoot, sorry, that was very ramble-y”. (Some people will hate this, but IME more people appreciate this- they like that you’re recognizing it’s a you-problem and you don’t expect them to do anything about it)

      On your end, practice pausing. Slow down your speech and breathe. My brain tends to move fast, so my speed of conversation is naturally fast. When I slow down my speech and pause, it helps. While I’m waiting for the other person to finish talking, I practice being aware of my facial expressions and how I’m reacting to what they are saying. That 1) forces me to listen so I know what I’m reacting to and 2) helps me be more aware of what my expressions are communicating. Another trick is to pause immediately after the question. Take a deep breath and slowly say “That’s a great question! Give me just a minute to get my thoughts in order so I can give you a good answer…” That can buy your brain some time to internally sort and organize some of the information.

      Also, don’t be afraid to step out. If you know your ADHD symptoms are flaring up that day, pass the question to someone else. “You know, Jenna might be a better person to help you. She’s a wizard at TPS reports. Let’s see if she’s available.” Directing new hires to the right person is a really, really valuable role. As a new hire/intern, it is amazing when you have a go-to person that you trust to send you to the expert.

      You can also try to find another outlet. ADHD brains latch onto things that interest them. As you may know, ADHD isn’t about an focus deficit, it’s about focus mismanagement (from a brain wiring perspective- we can’t do anything about that). Most ADHD folks will hyperfocus on things that interest them (even if they don’t want to focus on that). I wonder if you’re hyperfocusing on your teaching. If you enjoy teaching, find another outlet that allows you to pursue that. Could you record video trainings or do regular, official trainings for [STUFF]?

      Finally, if you have ADHD, find what manages your symptoms. Medication is an option, but other options include exercise (scientifically shown to help focus for several hours), structures or even rituals (like tapping your finger three times before answering a question), and avoiding or recognizing triggers (for example, I’m more likely to hyperfocus when I’m nervous and avoiding something- when that happens, I use Pomodero to focus on the thing I’m avoiding). The more you know about your ADHD, the better your tools will be for channeling it.
      Good luck!

    4. Angstrom*

      I think of “explanation pyramids.” Start with a short(1 or 2 sentence) answer. If you get a question, give a more detailed version. More questions, more detail. if you get an acknowledgement, stop and move to next topic.

      Normal conversations often work the same way:
      “How was your workday?”
      (very short answer)
      “Really” What happened?”
      (longer answer)
      “Huh. Why do you think it did that?”
      (much longer answer)

      As opposed to:
      “How was your workday/”
      “You know how the LlamaScript syntax for queries changes when you use text fields instead of numeric fields? It does this weird thing where….

  97. Reluctant Job Hunter*

    I’m 95% sure I’m being pushed out of my job. It’s a case of bullying/mobbing where I made the mistake of 1) going to leadership for help with a bully who turns out to be far more beloved and protected among leadership than I realized, and 2) having the nerve to share the expertise I was supposedly hired for in the face of repeated dismissiveness. It took me far too long to realize the kind of people I was dealing with, and I’ve gone from being openly celebrated to now barely tolerated.

    I’m actively job hunting. In the meantime, I’ve been ordered to train a new colleague on my team’s processes who, as best as I can tell, was brought in as the new me — as in, the leadership role I was originally recruited for and then unofficially demoted from while being gaslit into oblivion. (Never once have I been approached with constructive feedback or any explanation for my clear change in status; that would require me to have done something that legitimately warrants this treatment/unofficial demotion.)

    Does anyone have advice for how to get through this grueling task that will require hours of face time with an innocent party? I’m already barely able to get through every workday knowing I’m being pushed out. Actively training my replacement, under the false guise of cross-training, is going to be hell.

    I’m thinking I’ll either plan these trainings for first thing, to get them out of the way, or at the end of the day, so my ability to be productive isn’t wrecked for the rest of the day. I’m not sure which is better. I’ll obviously be professional, but I’m the kind of person who approaches trainings with warmth and a spirit of helpfulness, so this is going to be a bit of a mindcluck.

    I’ve had office bullies try to come for me over the years, and I’ve always been able to shake them off. This time the person came for me immediately, is beloved by leadership, and appears to be coated in Teflon. My mental health has taken a real beating, and I wish I could go back and tell past me to trust my gut and get the hell out. :(

    1. Alton Brown's Evil Twin*

      I don’t have any advice on the bullying part. That sucks.

      But if you can mentally separate it from the “I’m training my replacement” thing, it helps. Training your replacement is like sorting through your old clothes – everything that gets tossed in the donate/sell/toss piles is one less thing you ever have to worry about. That should free up some mental space to help with your job hunt.

    2. ferrina*

      I’m glad you’re getting out! That’s such an awful situation, and you’re doing the right thing. When leadership backs a bully, there’s always more drama and more issues waiting. Trust me, it will feel so, so good when you are out.

      Honestly, I felt bad for my “replacement” (I say it in quotes, because in most of my roles, I’ve been irreplaceable. I have a unique blend of skills/approach). They were walking in to this den of vipers, and their torture will be coming. It’s pretty rare that situations like this only happen once. Either they won’t perform as well as you (in which case the company deserves them, because they deserve mediocrity rather than your awesome self), or they will have the audacity to do exactly what you did and get the exact same treatment. So you can let your empathy come through in your training, because they don’t yet know what poison awaits them at that shiny feast.

      I hope you get out of there soon!

      1. Reluctant Job Hunter*

        Thank you! It’s so hard to bite my tongue and not warn new people. As long as they maintain their role as good little yes people and quietly endure any bullying they experience along the way, they’ll survive (as best as anyone can in such a toxic environment!).

    3. BubblesBubblesBubbles*

      I’m so sorry this is happening to you! I went through a similar situation in my previous job. I was celebrated as “rock star” and told I was “invaluable” and promised a lot of things, but at some point it changed. I think it was because I had a really hard time returning to work after the birth of my first child – my husband worked nights and I was alone with a baby who would NOT SLEEP AT ALL, so I was exhausted and stressed, and my work definitely suffered. However instead of someone saying, “Hey what’s going on? Do you need help?”, they just started shutting me out, talking bad about me, and decided I wasn’t worth dealing with. There was also a bully in this dept who was untouchable for some reason, even though I had multiple people ( some of them from management!) griping to me about them. And yet they decided that person was worth retaining.

      I got through the transition period by reminding myself that I COULD get out, that I was GOING TO GET a job, and reminding me that training my replacement was not the fault of that person. I had a lot of anger and resentment, but I did my best not to take it out on that person, because they had nothing to do with how management was treating me.

      Since we can’t go back in time, we just do the best we can to move forward. I wish you luck in your job search and hope you find something soon!

    4. atexit8*

      You write that training this person is a “grueling task”.
      Why?
      If you are not able to do as much of your normal work because you have to train this new person so be it. I wouldn’t work extra hours.
      Just train the person as best you can.

      1. Reluctant Job Hunter*

        Emotionally grueling. Training this person is one step closer to them being able to let me go without it negatively affecting a critical department. I’ll also be fighting a very strong urge to warn this person about the kind of people they’re working for.

    5. Reluctant Job Hunter*

      I’m so sorry that happened to you. It would have been so easy for them to just check in with you! I’ve been on many teams over the years where we adjusted to accommodate a new parent (or family emergency, major life event, etc.). I hope you landed someplace that deserves you.

      I definitely wasn’t running at 100% during the height of the pandemic, but I was still cranking out a huge volume of high quality work. Unfortunately, I waited too long to address the bullying I was experiencing (at first I doubted it was as bad as it seemed, and then I mistakenly thought I could navigate around it on my own in time). As soon as I asked for help, my worst fears were confirmed – the bully is coated in Teflon, and I have been recast from rock star to despised troublemaker. The fact that I’m well liked in general and do excellent work must be frustrating the heck out of the leaders who want me gone. Sadly, the awful treatment I’ve been enduring has been messing with my head and making me question myself. I have to keep reminding myself that the other twenty years’ worth of managers and colleagues who thought highly of me and my work couldn’t all have been wrong. :(

      1. linger*

        Maybe it might help to frame it as taking control of your own exit strategy? You’re actively jobhunting, and you will be successful at it, so of course your company will need a replacement.

        1. Reluctant Job Hunter*

          That’s how I’m trying to think about it, but I’m worried I won’t find something before they shove me out the door.

  98. Tips re health issues at work?*

    I’m looking for ways to deflect questions about my health at work. My supervisor is Gossip Central, & I do not want my health to be the topic of conversation there. I’ve seen some conversations here that touch on this, but a quick search isn’t bringing me much. So, your best tips for deflecting & redirecting conversations with colleagues I don’t know well, please.

    Context: something is definitely wrong; yesterday I’ve had biopsies, & will probably need surgery. My supervisor is trying to get me to tell her what’s going on. If it turns out to be cancer, & I need chemo, it will become more obvious, especially if my (long) hair vanishes.

    Many thanks for any & all suggestions on negotiating these topics at work.

    2. Hlao-roo*

      One thing that I’ve read on AAM a lot is that if you approach someone with an attitude of “of course you are a good person who will do this reasonable thing,” many people will live up to your stated good image of them. I think you can use that tactic in this situation. So I think you can say something along the lines of:

      “[Boss], I have a health issue and I will need [accommodations, time off for appointments, etc.]. I know you understand how important my privacy is to me, so I would appreciate it if you only shared this with people who would be directly affected by [accommodations, etc.].” Or “keep this between us” if no one else will be affected by any accommodations you may need.

      For colleagues you don’t know well, a breezy “no need for you to worry, I’m handling it with my doctor(s). Now about [work topic]” or “I’m sick of talking about my health! (haha) Let’s talk about [work, your weekend, etc.]” should be enough to redirect the conversation.

    3. Eldritch Office Worker*

      Vague, uninteresting answers and quick topic changes are the best way to go. Make it unsatisfying for her to pry.

      “Oh just some personal things going on, nothing interesting – anyway about the TPS reports”
      “I prefer not discuss medical stuff at work but I’ve got everything under control – how is that project going?”
      “Everything is fine but I promise I’ll let you know if I need anything – where were you thinking of going for lunch?”

      Just do not engage.

    4. Irish Teacher*

      Sorry to hear you are going through this.

      This might not work for you, but when I had thyroid cancer, I told people a lesser version of the truth, that I had a cyst on my thyroid which I had been told should be removed as there was a risk of it causing problems in the future. I found out more than two years later that one of my colleagues had assumed for all that time that I’d had an overactive thyroid, as that is a common reason for thyroid surgery.

      I did tell the principal, the head of my department and one other teacher (who was very good friends with the head of my department and I didn’t want to create an awkward situation by asking the head of department to keep secrets from her) the full story. My principal and head of department were awesome though. The principal promised, unprompted, that nobody would hear anything from her and the head of department asked how I wanted it handled.

      Might not work if you need chemo, but for the surgery, it might. “I need surgery for an x problem.”

    5. RagingADHD*

      If your supervisor already knows something is going on and is actively in nosy-prying mode, I don’t think deflection is going to help. You need to shut it down, and you don’t need her permission to do so.

      Try, “I don’t want to talk about it.” And then just don’t.

  99. CommunalTissueQueen*

    Are tissues office supplies? I started a new job a few months ago and our admin officer refuses to purchase tissues because she believes they’re personal items, but I view tissues as a form of PPE. This is not a hill I’m willing to die on, but I just want to hear other people’s thoughts!

    2. Hlao-roo*

      I have always brought in my own tissues to have at my desk. Some of my offices have had tissues, some haven’t, but either way I have always wanted to have my own supply on-hand.

      1. ferrina*

        Ditto. I totally believe that the office should supply them (agree with Amber Rose that they are like soap/toilet paper), but I’ve always had to bring my own box to keep at my desk.

    3. Amber Rose*

      They’re not PPE, but they are like toilet paper or soap. Standard public use hygiene supplies.

      We have two closets full of them.

    5. Hydrangea*

      PPE? From what? I’ve never worked in an office that supplied tissues. People always brought their own.

    6. Gary Patterson’s Cat*

      I have not generally had tissues supplied except perhaps in the boardroom, customer rooms, and occasionally in the restroom (though the building supplies those just like the TP).

    7. RagingADHD*

      Most but not all places I’ve been in provide them, but they are usually the really cheap terrible ones. People who wanted better ones brought their own anyway.

    8. Dr. Doll*

      We have to buy them with special funding that can be spent on food and stuff, because they are “personal.”

        1. linger*

          so tempting to say “between the cracks” …
          but that can’t be the actual answer here. Would have to hope any office that has a toilet for staff use should supply toilet paper for staff use. Regrettably this does sometimes result in supply of low-budget, low-strength, low-absorbance products that do not adequately solve the problem.

  100. Cat Herder*

    Tangentially related to a question asked yesterday, in the hiring process what questions can you ask to determine if a candidate can learn quickly? Being technology stalled (regardless of age) is just a symptom of the bigger issue of someone who doesn’t learn new things easily and I’d rather avoid hire them.

    1. Casey*

      Hm, depends what you mean by “learn quickly”. If they’re entry level/internship, I ask them to tell me about a time when they had to learn a new process or skill in a short time period, and what strategies they used to get up to speed. Then I try to dig into “well if you had fewer resources/less time, what would you have done differently?” If they’re more senior, sometimes it makes sense to ask their opinion on developments in the industry, or ask them to explain pros and cons of recent method/technology A vs legacy B. In a technical setting, we also just throw them example problems that they haven’t seen before and ask them to talk through it. Flexible thinking and a willingness to ask follow-up questions are green fla

    2. user79130*

      What’s the last skill you’ve learnt?

      Imagine your boss wants to put you on a project in a technology you have never worked with. What would you do?

    3. ferrina*

      For me, it’s not about the questions I ask, it’s about the questions they ask. Are their questions thoughtful? Do they speak to the information I just presented? Are they interacting with the information that I’m giving them? Smart questions almost always lead to smart hires.

      Also look at how they adapt over the interview. One of the fastest learners that I hired tailored his interview questions on the spot. Halfway through the interview, he mentioned a professional experience that wasn’t directly relevant, but where the skills overlap a LOT with out work. I immediately honed in on that, and he saw what I was doing. When my boss interviewed him next, she asked some of the same questions I had, and he adjusted his answers to focus on the skills that I had been interested in. He was actively adapting in the interview.

    4. Cedrus Libani*

      Something I’ve been on the receiving end of several times: hand the candidate something that’s directly relevant to your work, preferably something nice and obscure so they haven’t seen it before, and see if they can figure it out.

      In my current job, which involves a lot of troubleshooting of a very long and complex process, part of the interview involves case studies – using actual examples of something that’s gone wrong, with the sorts of debugging outputs that we might use to diagnose the problem. We have the candidate walk through the process of figuring it out with us. Here’s what we’re doing at this step, here’s what actually happened, what do you think could’ve gone wrong? How would you tell? Here’s a readout from the such-and-such, now what do you think we should do?

      I’ve also been handed a research article, given 20 minutes to read it, and then I had to go up to the whiteboard and give a talk on it. (I loved it, but TBH this one might select too strongly for confident public speakers – a skill that back-office nerds like myself don’t need. Maybe do this one-on-one, instead of in front of the whole group.)

    5. Mary S*

      I agree with asking about times they’ve had to learn something new or how they got started planning a project they’d never done before, etc.

      I also think, if it makes sense for the role, giving someone a problem to solve / scenario-based interview question can be helpful. I’ve had interviewers tell me to pretend I’m on the job and then give me a fully fleshed out scenario that is a very very common issue in our field. Then they asked me to tell them how I’d solve it and where I’d look for more information if I needed more information. They also let me Google answers I needed because it was about how I could solve the problem and figure out what I needed to know – not having everything memorized. I thought it was great because it was actually relevant to our job and not a trick question at all.

  101. Rebecca*

    Any student loan experts in here? I may have forked myself, but I’m looking for options. I got a job in 2017 at a private school, which I thought wasn’t an eligible employer for PSLF, so I was paying ahead on my student loans to try and get them gone as fast as possible. This means that for significant chunks of 2018 and 2019, I had no student loan payments due. I have since learned that this employer IS eligible, and my payments would have counted toward PSLF forgiveness….except I was paying ahead, so my loans were all classified as “no payment due,” and thus all the money I sent them during that time is wasted.

    I would love to have the extra money back, but I’m assuming that’s not an option. Any idea if it would be possible to get the student loan provider to recognize those two years of payments? Is this something I should hire a lawyer for?

    1. Range vs Salary Band*

      I don’t think you need a lawyer yet but you need someone from the program you want forgiveness from (PSLF?) to take a look, and you want an appeal if you don’t get the answer you need. I would say, push as hard as you can right now to get a review because there’s a current spirit of openness that may not last. I do know people who received full forgiveness and got money back when they didn’t think they were eligible.

      (I am not an expert and I hope you get advice from someone who is, but I work in an adjacent field and I thought the question is “how many qualified payments did you make.” So months in which nothing is due “count” as a payment, like all the qualifying payments during the pandemic when nothing was owed?).

    2. CatCat*

      (1) File an Employment Certification Form (ECF) with your servicer as soon as possible. Google “PSLF Help Tool” and access the tool on the Student Aid site for help with the form.

      (2) I believe there may be a solution to address “paid ahead” status, not necessarily to get your money back, but to have payments count toward PSLF. But I don’t know the details. Check out the facebook group “Public Service Loan Forgiveness (PSLF) Program Support.” They have EXCELLENT resources and support.

    3. Anonymous Pickle*

      Not an expert, but I did go through the PSLF process this year. If you are on the book of faces, join a group called Public Service Loan Forgiveness (PSLF) Program Support. They have amazing mods and outstanding guides/how to documents. Plus, pretty much every question has been asked at some point, so a search will probably turn up several posts that will give you excellent guidance on next steps. No lawyers needed.

  102. janitorx*

    Hi All! A little over two years ago, I posted here asking for advice on promoting someone who was trying to negotiate what the job entailed, and everyone who responded said, “do not promote this person”. Well, you were right and I knew it was a bad idea. I was, however, overruled and now this employee is probably going to be fired within the next several months–hopefully, sooner. I could not get this person to progress beyond basic work and I have a record of continual pushback from this person. It sucks and I am angry because this person managed to last here 20 years and was transferred from dept. to dept. with little success. We responded to this person’s complaints about never being promoted and we gave this person a shot, and with an 18-month learning curve. I spent so much time training, and retraining, sending this person to virtual conferences, etc. Very little of it took, and this person made little effort to solve problems without coming to me first. During the past two years, I’ve been yelled at; told I was too demanding; and questioned about what I do all day, despite having a reputation as an excellent employee–inside and outside the organization. I am unable to erase this person’s anger about this organization, and frankly, I am exhausted from picking up the slack and dealing with this covert narcissist who refuses to be held accountable. So, it may be a few more months and more progressive discipline before we let this person go, and none of the coaching I’ve provided is even helping. Any advice on how to keep going and make sure this person’s direct reports aren’t adversely affected? I am already doing one on ones with them to help them learn and get the tools they need–they are both new employees! I will not share with them anything about this problem employee, and it seems that she has complained to at least one of them about me (found out from friend of a friend). This is at a university and HR is slow. How do I stay sane during all of this? I am starting to have minor health problems and this is unusual for me.

    1. Gary Patterson’s Cat*

      Wow. Sorry you’ve had to endure this. Is it possible to extradite yourself from this situation at all?

      Other than documenting the performance issues, it seems like you’ve done what you can to move a PiP forward with HR to manage this person out. I think the only thing you can do is to provide a network to those new employees to ensure they’re getting trained correctly and have someone they can go to.

      I know organizations want to give people every chance to succeed, but it’s ofter far kinder to cut problematic employees much quicker.

      1. janitorx*

        Thanks for your response. I’ve asked that this person be assigned to special projects elsewhere, and it is under consideration. I doubt this will go anywhere because the person’s salary is too high. It seems, however, that the higher-ups agree this person should be let go. I am going to beg HR to let me do a PIP and NOT a letter of expectations as they originally suggested. In fact, I’d like a suspension because of recent important deadlines that were missed. While it feels underhanded, I am working directly with her new employees and making sure they have what they need–and this includes connecting them with others in the org with who they will need to collaborate very soon. I am frustrated because this fruitless performance management adds to my workload and I feel like I am falling behind on everything. None of this makes sense. My Uni is a legal juggernaut in a very conservative state (right-to-work laws), why are they dragging their feet on this?

  103. user79130*

    Should I stay or should I go?

    I’m in IT, in a well-paying field. I’ve been with my current employer for a bit over 1.5 year. When I started I was put on a tricky project. (Just to give you an idea, my own boss asked to be moved off it after just a few months, quoting that it’s undoable – I only learnt about it lately. I also asked to be moved somewhere else but it was ignored for 1.5 years). Even before I accepted the offer, I raised the topic of career progression. I was assured that my previous senior experience would be counted towards the next seniority level at the organization. When I raised the same topic while working here, the reaction was explaining me why I shouldn’t want to be promoted and adding that my current role “won’t let them to promote me”. I’ve been getting salary increases but they were lower than the inflation rate and lower than my friend here got. Although my performance review was on “exceeds expectations”. Not to mention my growing competences. I’ve asked for more but this has been ignored.

    The expectation here is that you work very long hours, since it’s virtually impossible to do everything in the 8h you’re paid for.

    On the other hand, I’ve changed my team now in the last days, at last. The new role is interesting and I’m sure I could learn a lot. I’m sure that I could excel at it too. My peers are mostly ok, I like them.

    I’ve now got an offer letter from FAANG for +50% net salary. The position is a bit less interesting than my new role at the current org. I have friends in the team I would be joining and they told me the job is boring, you have an opportunity to learn a lot but nobody expects that from you. You aren’t expected to do overtime, it’s easy to reach your performance targets. But career progression doesn’t exist there.

    Would you switch? I feel extremely frustrated because of how I’ve been treated at my current job, but I don’t want to accept another position solely because of that frustration.

    1. WellRed*

      If frustration isn’t a good enough reason to leave a job, let alone for a 50% raise, I don’t know what is.

    2. kyte flyer*

      I think the conundrum works out to: regular hrs + boredom vs interesting job + long hours. (I’m not counting the salary, because a 50% pay bump may not be worth being extremely bored).

      So: I think the question boils down to: if you move to the FAANG, do your friends tell you that it’s possible to move around? What makes your friends stay on that team? Can you make side projects?

      1. user79130*

        I would think it’s more of:

        1) regular hrs + boredom (but with opportunities to learn a lot if you want) vs.
        2) interesting job + long hours + being very frustrated because of unfulfilled promises and 0 trust in the management

        1) would be an expert position in the company’s technology. 2) is touching a lot of technologies incl. the technology of 1), but it also includes a lot of non-technical tasks, linked to project management and similar.

        Yes, it is possible to change the assignment in the job that has been offered to me.

        1. WellRed*

          This isn’t making the conundrum much clearer. The opportunity to learn is a point in the other job’s favor vs unfulfilled promises and no trust in management. What am I missing here? Actually, maybe you need to ask yourself that question. An interesting job is still a job at the end of the day. But I’m no longer interested in giving my life to a job. Maybe that’s where I’m stuck. What is absolutely important to you in regard to work and life? Which job will move you closer to goals in life and work?

    3. Newbie Fed*

      I think the career progression aspect is a moot point. If the current job isn’t going to promote you and the new job doesn’t have career progression, it’s effectively the same result. However, a lot of people view career progression as a way to grow salary. It sounds like the new job is telling you that your current skills are more valuable to them. So, you can stay where you are working longer hours for lower pay, or take the job that pays significantly more for fewer hours.

      Another way to look at it, if the new job is less interesting but there are more opportunities to learn (and grow, leveraging those new skills elsewhere when you’re ready), it sounds worth it.

  104. Serious Pillowfight*

    I could use some advice from the lovely commentariat. Over the summer, I left a longtime role in a declining industry for a full-time role I had never done before (but figured I could learn) at one of my freelance employers with a more stable future. It was a 50% pay bump with a much higher title working with a population I already knew and colleagues who mostly already knew me. I was thrilled and thought I’d made a great move. I was certain I’d have a Friday Good News story for Alison.

    Well, after a couple of weeks, I was miserable. The hours were way longer than I’d expected. I hated the work. I was at a high level on paper but had no one working under me and was expected to do everything myself, including grunt work that I was certain should be done by another department. I felt like I was expected to know things I couldn’t possibly know yet. When I asked for help with anything, I was often side-eyed and told, in a professional and polite manner, that I needed to do it myself, or ask for help from someone else. With an unspoken air of, “Why would you think that was OK?” Whenever I tried to streamline things to make the job easier for myself, my boss wasn’t having it and I was told to go back to the way things were.

    I don’t know if I’d go so far as to say I was gaslit, but I felt like any issues or misunderstandings were made out to be my fault and my boss could do no wrong. Despite all this, I did respect him very much and thought he was a good person. He eventually brought in someone to help me and also helped me save face after I resigned four months in when I couldn’t take it anymore.

    But now…I’m feeling unmoored. I’m in my mid-40s and wondering what the heck I’m going to do next. I left a job I liked for a job I thought would be better and then left that, so now I’m out of a full-time job and benefits. Freelance work I thought I’d be able to get from my former employer (and other places I quit when the new job took up too many hours) isn’t materializing.

    I’d love to hear from people who were in a similar situation and how you regrouped. Right now I’m pessimistic about my future and feel like I’m never going to find a job I actually like in a stable industry.

    1. Salary Range vs Band*

      I think you can salvage this! You haven’t lost any of the skills you ever had, which made you a valuable employee in the past and will again. Sometimes things aren’t the right fit, you learn something, and you give yourself a pass for trying something new. The only way to never make a mistake is never to try anything, right? You will find a new job.

    2. Gary Patterson’s Cat*

      I wonder in your case because it seems it was more the place, rather than the role? If you liked the role otherwise, Id say that’s what you keep looking for and chalk this company up as merely a bad fit.
      When you interview, ask much more probing questions about how the workflow is handled.

      My recent problem is more the flip of yours.
      I like doing most everything myself. But the big company I work for makes me “delegate” everything to other teams or agencies and I HATE it. I feel I’m losing all my actual tangible skills and becoming a paper pusher who sits in meetings all day.

    3. Bob-White of the Glen*

      “Despite all this, I did respect him very much and thought he was a good person.”

      I’m going to disagree on this one. Good people don’t gaslight you into feeling the way you did, or refuse to offer the help, support, and training any new employee would need in this job.

      Find someone to talk about this to – someone objective to see what your shortcomings were, and how the business failed. If it’s you, you’ll know what to work on. But if it’s the business failing, you’ll have more confidence to get back out there in the role you were meant to have, hopefully with a less toxic workplace.

  105. less is more*

    advice please?
    It was time for my annual performance review last week while I was on vacation, so we’re going over it in a couple days. I recently decided I want to work fewer hours (to work for myself in an unrelated career I’m passionate about/not be chronically ND burnt out), for the same/similar pay, but I don’t know how to ask and I figured this would be a good time. If I were to be working the same amount, I really should be getting a raise, but there isn’t really money, so this could be a good alternative.
    I don’t think my job title or description matches what I do.
    Also recently decided to ask for ND/sensory related accommodations, but still haven’t. Should I do both at the same time?
    A few rambling points:
    -I’m a state employee for a health service dept. of ~7 employees that loses money that is part of a university/hospital run by the state. I know our program has a tiny budget, which is why I don’t think there is money for a raise with same hours.
    -my job was brand new when I was hired pre pandemic & started early pandemic, my job has had a lot of changes as management had to take on & lose pandemic related job functions/dept shrank permanently and my job description barely aligns with what I do (some removed, but added others like managing social media/coordinating certain things) my title is X program assistant and while it kind of makes sense based on how titles work here, it leaves me feeling sometimes like others don’t take my role seriously and a clinical staff person thought I was an admin assistant for literal years (no shade to admin. assistants, just not my job)
    -months ago I had a convo (friendly chat about why I don’t do the other thing I’m trained in and love/career goals) with my boss where I was told that some day my job could be part time, but absolutely not at that time due to big changes. I think it could be now.
    -I’m often in the office alone for large chunks of the day, but I struggle to accomplish anything when people are here (using all the tools I can to maintain focus and reduce sensory stimuli that would cause problems, but there’s only so much I can do) to the point I often feel like I might as well take the day off.
    -I am good at my job (not just me saying that) and I like it, so I’m not looking to leave.
    -I think I could get the same amount done with fewer hours because of how my brain is, especially with accommodations.

    1. Velociraptor Attack*

      Respectfully, I don’t think you’re going to get anywhere with arguing for fewer hours, same pay. How many fewer hours are you wanting, are you wanting to go from 40 hours to 35 or from 40 to 20?

      Based on your statement that you are a state employee and your department loses money, there is no way they’ll keep you on at your same rate of pay for fewer hours, so if you successfully make the argument that the job should be part-time, you’re also giving them the argument that they should pay for a part-time role. I’d recommend completely shelving that thought.

      Your thoughts on reworking the job description make sense. You don’t mention if the added duties (social media, etc.) are because you wanted to do them or if they were assigned to you but I might even suggest writing out a proposed job description for the job as you are currently doing it to present at your review and show how different they are.

      I would say this is a good time to bring up accommodations.

      1. Salary Range vs Band*

        The job description should be the easiest one. I would get my salary requests addressed *before* asking for accommodations, personally. If the review is good, the boss could say “I wish we could give you a raise, you’ve really earned one but unfortunately we can’t” and you could say, “would you consider letting me go down to 35 hours a week?” or whatever, in lieu of raise. People also do ask to go part time at the same *rate* of pay (same per hour) and it’s reasonable to ask … but be careful, because if you lose benefits you’d need to make *more* per hour just to stay in place. And make sure you know the vacation/sick leave situation. Some more bureaucratic places won’t be open to anything like this, small nonprofits often are.

  106. Please Be Silent*

    A coworker and I are carpooling to an event 4 hours away. We are both introverts and the ride would be very quiet and most of any conversation is about navigation and when to stop for lunch. We like it this way.

    An extremely talkative coworker is being added to the event and we don’t know what to do. Coworker and I need quiet. Talkative coworker Will Not Shut Up. Sometimes we aren’t even sure what she is talking about.

    How do we survive this without gagging her while we drive? We can handle it at the event, but the thought of nonstop talking for 4 hours each way is very stressful.

    1. Salary Range vs Band*

      First, I’d tweak your own expectations; there will probably be a bit more chat than you’d like, and perhaps a bit less than she’d like. Second, I’d be open with her before the event. “Coworker 1 and I tend to aim for quiet reflection on our drives, so excuse us if we’re not chatty. You might want to bring something to read on your phone/ headphones and an audiobook,” or whatever. This sets the expectation because sometimes I feel like I *should* chat just to break up the silence, and I can’t tell which one is ruder. Finally, I might immediately have a plan to set the stage – could you tolerate an audiobook or music? Particularly something a bit more engaging (Hamilton?) It might help her if you have something else to offer besides sitting in silence for eight hours, which would be hard for some people.

    2. Gary Patterson’s Cat*

      This is actually pretty easy. Be very polite but honest. “Jane and I are typically pretty quiet and don’t chat a whole lot on these long drives just using it as kind of a quiet/reflective downtime. You might want to bring headphones or something to occupy yourself in the car during the drive in case you get bored easily.”

    3. Not A Manager*

      If you can handle something audible, I’d tell her that you always listen to a podcast/audiobook/lecture when you drive. Pop it in, tune it out if you want to, and when she starts to talk, shush her and wave frantically at the audio system.

    4. Please Be Silent*

      Thanks for the ideas. I’ll check with my quiet passenger and see if she is ok with a podcast or music.

      We do plan to talk to the talkative coworker about our being quiet while driving, but she always forgets and starts up again. She means to be quiet, it just doesn’t last long.

      1. Not A Raccoon Keeper*

        I think you’ll need to be more direct then! Maybe framing it around the driver needing a pretty silent environment to feel comfortable driving, and that if Talkative Coworker thinks it might be hard to keep quiet, it might be best for her to bring something to listen to?

    5. Esmeralda*

      Could talkative coworker be the driver? Then the quiet folks could just fall asleep. Or take turns sitting up with Chatty Cathy and zoning out in the back.

      Or. Put Chatty Cathy in the back seat. The driver can just ignore her because they’re driving. The passenger in front csn respond with “mmm” and “hmm”. Or even, well, I’m going to listen to my audiobook now and pop on headphones or, we have a couple hours ahead of us and I’m going to use some of it for my nap now.

      It would be a kindness to alert her ahead of time so she can turn to her phone when she does not get much chatting. Just because someone is yapping at you, you don’t have to respond in kind,

  107. Job Hunter*

    Looking for suggestions:

    I live in a very rural area and am not in a position to relocate, so I need to find remote work. I currently work fully remote for a company, but want to find a new position (legal field), as where I am is going nowhere and my company is toxic when it comes to raises. I’ve contacted a couple of recruiters who invited me to send them my resume and a time to talk, but haven’t heard back from them. I’m guessing (hoping?) they’re busy. I got my current job through networking, so job hunting remote work is new to me. I’m looking online through LinkedIn, glassdoor, indeed, flexjobs, but was wondering if there are resources I’m missing or unaware of, or other thing I could be doing to help myself. This is kind of new to me and I don’t know what I don’t know. TIA.

    1. Mazey's Mom*

      Many professional organizations have job boards. You might need to have a membership though to access them, but not always.

  108. Dark Macadamia*

    Welp, I’ve been at this job for a little over a month now and cried at work for the first time today. Luckily in private but ugh.

    I’m a teacher and have two pleasant, fun, easy to manage classes and one that is way noisier, way more behavior issues, and nothing seems to be working. It’s frustrating and miserable for all of us. Today a parent emailed me about how their kid doesn’t like my class because it’s overwhelming and I just feel so awful. It sucks to know the group dynamic sucks so much when I’m the one responsible for it.

    1. Flower necklace*

      I’m sorry to hear that. For what it’s worth, I don’t think it’s your responsibility. Each class has its own dynamic. I have a class that was testing my patience. Recently, one of the students moved to another school. The dynamic suddenly changed and now they’re much easier to handle.

    2. Hatchet*

      Did the parent indicate what was so overwhelming about the class for their child? Is it the noise and behavior of others? If so, can you allow the student from the email to work in the hall or at the library on individual assignments? Is it the curriculum? If so, can you set up some quieter tutoring times to work with them?

      For the class dynamic, keep trying new things. Maybe talk to other teachers or your admin about what’s going on and see if they have suggestions overall or how to work with those particular students. Good luck!

  109. Warpwall*

    I was chatting with my grand boss at happy several weeks ago, about a whole bunch of things, including a work decision i was trying to figure out. low pressure, just friendly updates, I thought. then today my boss told me I shouldn’t have bothered him with that kind of topic. So if work is off limits, what suggestions do you have for conversation starters with your grand boss???

    1. Pocket Mouse*

      Is your boss aware the topic came up at a happy hour? They may be under the impression you brought it to your grandboss while at work (which your boss would have a better pulse on). I don’t think work topics are, or should be, off limits at happy hours—if I imagine chatting with my grandboss at one, I think she’d ask me about how my projects are going. We might not get into the nitty gritty, as that’s best saved for work hours, but a general sense of how things are going and what’s foremost on your mind seem eminently normal to me.

      1. Warpwall*

        thank you!! I’m not sure of the context of how much my boss knew about the discussion, so now I’m trying to decide whether to clarify that or just drop it forever. I don’t want to second guess every interaction from now on!

  110. Finally Adulting*

    Would appreciate hearing other people’s thoughts on this:

    Quick version of my questions is – is it reasonable to ask an employer if they would pay for an extra day of hotel on a business trip so I can arrive a day early in preparation for a 9am start the following day?
    More details – I recently accepted a new job (yay!). The job hasn’t started yet, but I have been made aware of a two-day business meeting(s) that will take place approximately two hour drive away from me. The employer has told me that I will stay in a hotel on the first night. However, as I receive more info, it looks like day one itinerary tentatively starts at 9am, and I am wondering with traffic and the fact that I am a novice driver, would it be okay for me to ask for an extra day of hotel accommodation so I can leave the day before (in the afternoon) and get there the evening before? If yes, should I use traffic or new at driving as the reason, or both?

    (Don’t know if this is relevant detail – but the job is a senior role but not a managerial position.) Thank you!

    1. Mazey's Mom*

      Is there an opportunity for a networking event the day/evening before the meeting starts? If your organization values professional development, you can frame it as a way to connect with your peers in a more informal setting. If you don’t travel very often for work, your org may be lenient in this regard. Alternatively, is there someone you can go with who would be willing to drive, or a car/taxi service that you can hire, with the cost borne by your org? As a manager myself, my primary concern would be the safety of my employee, so if they don’t feel comfortable driving for any reason (and even those who’ve had licenses for years are uncomfortable driving long distances), and they must attend the meeting, I’d work with them to find alternate transportation.

    2. Salary Range vs Pay Band*

      This is a bit of a judgement call. To be honest, if this was my very first interaction with a job, I probably wouldn’t ask for an extra, what $200 – so that I don’t have to get up as early. I would probably try to be up and out the door at six am, hopefully beating rush hour traffic and giving myself an entire extra hour to deal with my driving issues. But I’m in the nonprofit sector and money is a big deal (my current org is one of those that requires employees to share hotel rooms) so it probably varies. Also, I’ve had to leave at 5 to make meetings before so my sense of reasonableness is possibly skewed. After I’ve established myself at the job and know the norms of that office, I might ask next time, having tried it their way first and knowing I was too tired / driving took even longer than I thought, etc. But if you’re truly committed to going a day early, I wouldn’t pay that myself either.

    3. EMP*

      I’m kind of torn on this only because if it’s a 2hr drive, that’s sort of borderline above “normal commute” and the start time of 9am is normal business hours. If it were 1 hr, I’d definitely say don’t bother asking. 2 hrs…eh…And especially since you haven’t even started, you haven’t had the chance to gauge the social norms at the new work place. Because of this, I’d lean towards not asking at least for the first meeting. Wake up early, leave plenty of time to drive, and see how it goes. If it’s a hardship or you realize other people have hotels the night before, it will be easier to make your case and ask.

      To be clear I don’t think out of context it’s unreasonable to ask for a hotel the night before a meeting *in general*, but I think a longer drive or a plane flight would make it more of a clear cut need. In context you have to weigh being a totally new employee and the unfortunate reality that most people don’t consider a few hours of driving to be a huge inconvenience.

    4. Finally Adulting*

      Thank you, everyone, for sharing your input! I appreciate hearing your perspectives as they have given me additional things to consider. Thank you!

  111. Shearshucker*

    Hope y’all see this. Wanted to say thanks for your advice from a few weeks ago about me feeling stuck in my current job and not sure where to go. I listened to it all and considered my situation. I also wanted to thank those who posted their stories in a Thursday Ask the Readers post about moving away from traditional careers. So many stories! I feel seen!

    Something happened at work that also adjusted my POV. Someone was unavailable for a training session in how to use the tiny-shears, so I was asked to step in. The session went brilliantly, so much so, they training coordinator asked if I could come back and train for every session for the rest of the series. (The guy I displaced didn’t mind at all, because it was a task he strongly disliked.) Alas, it’s only a limited-time thing, as once everyone’s trained in the tiny-shears, they’re all good, and don’t need training sessions any more.

    But it got me thinking about what I am good at vs what I don’t like to do, and have started looking for jobs that focus more on skills I enjoy. If something better comes along, great. But if not, I at least know I’m working with a good team, even if it’s doing tasks that make me shudder. Also, it’s not forever, just until I’m financially stable enough to retire early.

    But everyone’s input and their own stories meant a lot to me and gave me deeper perspective. Thank you.

    1. Gary Patterson’s Cat*

      Training development and end user training are quite a needed skill. My company hires a lot of people to only do training, some of whom are older technicians or engineers getting out of the field. Some travel to customer sites, some don’t.

      This might be something you can build up.

  112. 653-CXK*

    I found an article in the New York Post (link to follow) about a man with Down’s Syndrome who was dedicated to his job at Wendy’s for 20 years, and then was fired for “not having the right skill set.”

    It pisses me off no end that hard-working people, no matter what their ability or condition, are considered expendable when a company sees that they do a better job than the most mediocre so that company tries attempts to stifle them and deny them promotions through shady tactics, and when that doesn’t work, fires them. Only after well-deserved amounts of outrage and threats of lawsuits does this get rectified, and the response is usually some kind of PR butt-covering boilerplate that they won’t do this again.

    The happy ending to this – the man is going to retire as he wanted and not return to that Wendy’s. He shouldn’t…that owner/manager who fired him should be fired themselves.

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