{ 1,126 comments… read them below }

  1. RLC*

    Photo caption: “The lights are OURS now, human, is that clear? Good to see that you recognize who is truly in charge of this home. Team Cat is not to be trifled with.”
    I would never question the authority of this trio.

    1. Expiring Cat Memes*

      With their paws tucked in like that first thing I saw was hover cats taxiing down the runway. Just needs a few small red and green flashing lights in there to complete the Feline Airline scene…

      1. RLC*

        Good golly, now I too can see the hover cats and the feline air traffic controller in their tower aka observation chair.

      2. Edwina*

        oh my gosh, that’s just the funniest thing, now I see it too, the hover cats taxiing down the runway, all lit up

      3. Morning reader*

        We call that the meatloaf position at my place (with paws tucked and haunches even.) with paws out it’s the sphinx position.

    2. Aphrodite*

      The furniture is pristine and the scratchers are actually used by the cats. I can’t believe it! In what universe do these cats live?

      2. HeyHeySashaK*

        Given the source, I suspect they receive thoughtfully coached purrfurmance reviews. Clear communication around expectations often leads to desired results! ;)

    4. 653-CXK*

      “We ur pleying airopleyn and wi ur weytin to taksi daun the ruhnwey. Kawntrohll tauer awn kawfee breyk.” (Cat talk: “We are playing airplanes and we’re waiting to taxi down the runway, but the control tower is taking a coffee break.”)

  2. Elizabeth Bennett*

    I need to strengthen my resolve to say no to holiday plans that I really don’t want to do but which my family is expecting me to be at and will be upset when I tell them my partner and I aren’t attending this year. I’m making this the year we take back the holidays for ourselves but I’m nervous. Can anyone share stories of doing this—of telling your family you’re doing your own thing even though you know there will be pushback? What kind of resistance did you encounter, how did you stand up to it and did it all end up ok in the end?

    1. Not A Manager*

      Keep it short and sweet. “Partner and I realized that we need some private time. We’re going to nest at home over the holidays but we look forward to seeing you [whenever].” Whatever the response is, be briefly empathic without engaging too much. “Yes, I know it sucks and I will miss you very much too.” “Well, I certainly hope the holidays won’t be ruined for everyone, and I’ll be glad to see you in January.” “I know! This is such a big change I’m astonished myself.”

      After about three of these exchanges, you can gently disengage. “Hey, I know you’re disappointed but we will all be okay. Let’s talk again in a few days.”

      To answer your questions, yes I had to do this kind of thing all the time with my mother and my sister. Everything worked out okay in that I got to do what I wanted and the relationship was not destroyed. There was lingering resentment that I did not “love them enough” to be emotionally blackmailed, but literally the only way to avoid that would have been to allow myself to be emotionally blackmailed.

    2. duinath*

      i haven’t spent a christmas with family in years. most of the pushback i got is, you know, people saying they would miss me, and don’t you want to spend that time with me, and won’t it be sad to be alone. it can be. but it’s still better than the alternative. i wish i could be more helpful to you, but honestly i’ve never had trouble telling people no, so i don’t have any real tacticts that would help. i’m just flat and unapologetic, saying this is how i’m doing it.
      that said, i do have a tradition now where i spend some time with my mom before christmas (a few days usually) and then go home right when the stress and festivities starts. it’s good. i don’t get any pushback anymore. nobody really likes that i do this, but they accept it.
      i guess that’s my advice, if any. you can’t make people feel a certain way about a thing, you can’t make them be happy for you, but if you’re consistent and clear you can usually get them to accept it.
      i hope you and your partner have very happy holidays, with minimal drama.

    3. Esprit de l'escalier*

      There are no magic words that will make your family think this is fine if they think it’s terrible. The most important thing is for you to be clear in your own mind about your plans, convey those plans very clearly but lovingly, initially and then every time it comes up again.

      Don’t apologize, because you’re not committing a sin or a misdemeanor even if they are acting like you are. Just be clear and consistent and affectionate and firm. Agree with them that it’s disappointing, but don’t apologize! (I’m repeating myself because you will have to as well.)

      TL;DR: the person you mostly need to convince is yourself. Once you believe this is right for you and that you have the right to do it, you won’t need to memorize sentences to use. It’s okay if you say it awkwardly at first. By the 11th time you say it, it will have smoothed out :) Good luck!

    4. JSPA*

      Cutting out reasons, excuses, expressions of regret turned out to be the magic. People hear all of the above as openings to discussion or problems to be solved.

      “We’re doing X for the holidays this year, how about you?” served me well for many years.

      Might not have worked as well if I had been an hour or two away…or generally had an open schedule… but in that case, I probably would have dropped in, so the point would be moot.

      Any other details depend on whether you do actually want to see them: [in the next week / in February when travel is cheap / in spring when it’s warm enough to have windows open, and travel is easier / after you do your taxes / only if they get vaxxed / once spouse’s meds have stabilized / next winter / not particularly, anytime / only individually / with no alcohol on site / not if creepy Gus is going to be there / “never” would be good / etc].

      If you treat it like a normal conversation with anyone else in the world whom you’re not seeing over the holidays, they’re more likely to be normal back at you.

      Pivoting to logistics or “how to be there in spirit” also can work. “I was thinking of sending those [chocolates / fancy dried fruits / assortments of citrus curd and artisan honey / musical christmas ornaments / etc] that we’ve enjoyed before, so I can be there in spirit. Would that be OK?”

      “Present in spirit with family and friends all over” is a fine way to sell it to yourself, too. Sometimes we’re more present (and more able to be loving) from a distance, than we could have been, in person.

    5. Ellis Bell*

      It’s completely reasonable to use your time off for alone time with your partner! I would just say that you’re overdue some couples time and you’d rather do it in the winter when it’s cosy. I would just say this with Alison’s tip to intonate it like *of course* this is reasonable and won’t be quarrelled with. Any objections should be responded to like twice, maximum, with a surprised tone of voice that they’re trying to dictate your holiday plans. Disengage on the third objection. It’s imperative you don’t go in apologetically, or as though being with them is the default! You being a grown up with their own plans and partner is the default. If you’re planning to see them another time, just say firmly that you’ve decided to visit in (month) or “later”.

    6. Glomarization, Esq.*

      Broken record time! “We’re going to spend that day at home, just the two of us.” “Oh, no real reason, no plans. We just want to take it easy that day.” “Just staying home.” (If you’re not actually going to stay at home that day, then it’s up to you whether to use these suggested words, or to reveal what you’re really planning on doing.)

      Lather, rinse, repeat to any response or question.

      The thing is, it may not all end up OK in the end. That’s the risk you take when you decide to not do what somebody else wants you to do — in any context. There’s no magical script that will always make everybody happy when different parties want different things. Most family members will get over it and learn to adjust to this new thing where you don’t come to every gathering. Others might consider the holiday ruined and get very dramatic, but that’s beyond your control.

    7. Turtle Dove*

      I did it last year with my adult daughter, and it went okay. I’d spent decades traveling or hosting on every single Thanksgiving and Christmas to be with my mother, sister, and in-laws. Often that included two big celebrations at two homes in one day. For years I craved a quiet holiday at home without traveling or hosting. After my mom died, and after I realized my daughter was like my mom and expected me to travel to her on holidays (2.5 hours each way), I decided to spend Thanksgiving of 2021 quietly at home without traveling or hosting. My daughter wasn’t happy, but I calmly held firm. She accepted a neighbor’s invitation for a big Thanksgiving meal and had a great time. This year I proposed traveling to her to spend Thanksgiving together, but she had already accepted her neighbor’s invitation. Maybe she meant that as a slight? I was surprised because she puts a big emphasis on family spending holidays together. But it meant I could enjoy another quiet Thanksgiving at home, so I chose not to react. She agrees that we’ll spend Thanksgiving together next year. I think an every-other-year schedule will work for both of us. So my lesson was to hold firm on what I want but expect some weird repercussions. It’s still worth it if I can enjoy some frenzy-free holidays. I do see my daughter often throughout the year, as I did with my mother, sister, and in-laws. So holidays weren’t and aren’t a rare opportunity to connect with family, and that factored into why I stepped back.

      1. Caroline+Bowman*

        That’s great that you did that!!

        Why not suggest – assuming it’s practical and suitable – her coming to you alternate years, so that the travelling is more evenly shared?

        The thing also – and people often forget this, I know I have more than once – is that when you make a very reasonable, clear decision about your own life, as you have, there will be consequences that you didn’t anticipate because of the impact of your decision on the other person. In this case, your daughter found somewhere else to go on Thanksgiving and loved it so much that she went back this year, even though you assumed that this year, because you were ready and willing, that you’d have it together. It sounds like it’s worked out really well though, with you getting the peace you surely deserve and want, and her getting to know neighbours and enjoy a party.

        1. Turtle Dove*

          Thanks!

          We’ve discussed having her to travel here, but neither of us is crazy about it. She has young kids and doesn’t want the stress of a long car ride, and I’d want to deep clean my house first and don’t enjoy hosting anyways. But maybe I’ll work that angle next, and we can trade off who travels every second year.

          I think her neighbor’s celebrations take her back to the large, boisterous family gatherings we had when my mom was alive. Those aren’t my thing, but they’re hers for sure. I hope she’ll still go sometimes.

          You’ve reminded me of something Elizabeth Bennett may be facing too: I was raised to be a people pleaser, so saying no to my family’s expecations isn’t easy for me, and my family doesn’t like it. But I like myself best when I assert myself! And it goes better the more I practice. Remaining low key and calm is pretty effective.

    8. I need coffee before I can make coffee*

      If you are otherwise on good terms, an alternative non-holiday time visit suggestion is probably the best option. This is easier if significant travel time is involved (I’d say more than 1 hour). Also, a quick video call on the day might help. Wanting to have your own holiday is a perfectly normal and reasonable desire. Just be matter-of-fact about it – “we’re staying home this year” – “because that’s just what we want to do”.

    9. Texan In Exile*

      My husband and I went to Spain over Christmas in 2012, a few years after we got married. We hadn’t been in the practice of going to his mom and dad’s over the holidays anyhow, although he had gone alone before we got married.

      His mom threatened suicide that we weren’t coming (she did not follow through on her threat), his dad told him that he was a bad son, and on Christmas day, his mom sent him an email saying “everything sucks and I get despondent.”

      It was awful for my husband. It was so hurtful. He still brings it up with me. But after that, it got easier for him to say no to them. (The other part that made it easier was that we both hated visiting them anyhow. My husband went solely out of a sense of duty.) They died three years after that and we were free.

    10. Angstrom*

      We did “We want to start our own traditions” and it was fine. Parents were disappointed but understanding. Many years later it’s worked out well because mother no longer wants to deal with hosting a herd, and is happy to let someone else do it.

    11. fposte*

      To add a dimension to what people are commenting, I’d say don’t push for agreement–that’s what often sinks people in these conversations. They don’t need to agree with your plan. Your goal is to transmit the information and move on, not keep up with the subject until they say your plans are okay.

      1. Zweisatz*

        100 %. They can’t actually make you drive/go over there, so don’t assume they need to “let you” stay home. You will just stay home.

    12. The cat's pajamas*

      Maybe blame the pandemic? We are having a bit of a spike here. Captain Awkward has great scripts for situations like this, good luck.

    13. Caroline+Bowman*

      The trick with this – and with most things where there’s likely to be resistance- is to be absolutely clear and not budge a single inch. I don’t mean, be rude or cold, just explain what you are doing and when, and let the chips fall. Only you get to say what you do on YOUR Christmas holidays.

      One caveat is that if you have said you will go to whatever it is, and it’s really soon, and they’re expecting you, and you pull out because you fancy doing something else, they will be hurt and upset, and that is because it’s unkind to flake at the last minute, even if you wanted to flake and meant to say something before, but then got anxious and didn’t, if you see what I mean? Assuming it’s not that, and you aren’t upsetting complicated confirmed arrangements, then you be clear and specific and do not, even one time, apologise.

      Do suggest workable alternatives – decide in advance what those might be – bring good suggestions to the conversation and just stick firm.

    14. Rain coast*

      My friends lived together before they got married. They travelled to their family homes for Christmas. Then they got married. Everyone had to come to them to celebrate. Everyone realized how much effort and planning – and cost! was required for a ‘short’ trip (1.5 hr flight). Expectations were revised and there was more flexibility/understanding around holiday travel.

      Hold firm, say no and enjoy your at home holiday.

    15. Generic+Name*

      My sister and her family are going to my parents for Christmas, and my mom invited my family as well. You know, the grandma’s dream of all her babies and grandbabies together for the holidays. For various logistical and other reasons such as not really wanting to, I said sorry but no. Mom was disappointed, but accepted my no. It was fine. We did go for thanksgiving.

      What specifically are you worried will happen? Are you worried that they will feel some disappointment and you don’t like disappointing people, or does your family react badly when told no? If your family reacts with guilt trips (see Texan in Exile’s story above) or yelling or the silent treatment, that’s important information. People who respond badly to normal boundaries will never be ok with your boundary. That doesn’t mean don’t set boundaries, but it does inform how you enforce them (hanging up, leaving a visit early rather than simply using your words).

    16. Motherofcats*

      I came here to post a similar question! OP, I will be taking the holidays back alongside you this year. Feeling a little guilty but really looking forward to just relaxing with my partner and enjoying our (rare) time off from work together. Good luck to you! :)

    17. NotAManager*

      Good luck! I don’t have a family who pressures me to participate. A friend got a last minute “invitation to use a cabin” that gave them
      License to stay in. My line is “I have another commitment” and maybe that commitment is to cuddle my cat while watching DieHard? But I don’t know if that will work with your fam unless you are firm that you are Taking Back The Holidays!

    18. anxiousGrad*

      Given your username, I have to bring up one of Elizabeth Bennet’s best quotes: “There is a stubbornness about me that never can bear to be frightened at the will of others. My courage always rises at every attempt to intimidate me.”

      2. Middle-Aged Lady*

        I like this one from Mary when Elizabeth is walking to Netherfield to see Jane and Mary declines a three mile in the mud.
        Ch. 7: “I admire the activity of your benevolence,” observed Mary, “but every impulse of feeling should be guided by reason; and, in my opinion, exertion should always be in proportion to what is required.”

        It is not required to do anything for Christmas you don’t want to!

    19. cat in cardboard box*

      All I can really say is that in my experience, the first time is BY FAR the hardest. It gets so much easier the following years. We are still on good terms with the parts of the family who we want to be on good terms with! (I don’t have much specific advice because we took advantage of a move and of potential weather related issues to get through that first year.)

    20. SheLooksFamiliar*

      When I split up with my ex, I wasn’t doing well around the holidays. In early October, I told the usual invitees I wasn’t up to hosting Thanksgiving as I normally did, but would be happy to help if one of them would. They said they understood, the first holiday after a split is awful, etc., but no one offered to host. I got a couple of ‘Happy Turkey Day’ texts on the day itself, and that was it.

      A couple of weeks before Christmas I hadn’t gotten the usual call from my sister, who always hosted dinner. I finally called her, asking what I could bring, what time to show up, and so on. Her words still hurt: ‘Oh, I thought you didn’t want to be BOTHERED with your FAMILY during the HOLIDAYS.’ She said she’d made other plans and I should do the same. After all, if I could selfishly ruin the holidays, she could too.

      I was stunned, and am still not sure where I went wrong. It took a long time to become…friendly?…again, and even that ended when my BIL became aggressively drunk at the last Thanksgiving dinner I ever hosted. Yeah, we’re a dysfunctional group.

      I guess my message is to know how your family reacts to changes in general, you in particular, and be prepared for some drama. Even so, you deserve to spend the holidays the way you want to, and I hope you do!

    21. Quinalla*

      Lots of great advice already, prepare yourself and be firm and yes treat it like giving them information because that is what you are doing. It isn’t a debate so don’t get sucked into one. There may be hurt feelings, consequences, etc. – you can’t control that – but if this is what you want, you should set expectations ASAP and it does get easier after the first boundary is set down and a little bit easier each time. I’ve done this with my parents exactly and they were disappointed and surprised, but everything went fine and we did do a video call which was nice for all of us – not that you have to do that either. We’ve also set other limits or had other conversations about things – like them spending WAY more time with my sister than me or any other siblings and then when they do visit us on occasion, shortening their stay to silly amounts to help my sister with something yet again – and it gets a little easier every time. For me protecting/standing up for others (kids, spouse) has always been easier than standing up for myself, so maybe that will help you too!

    22. maggie*

      “This year has been a LOT, and we’re exhausted, so we’re going to take the chance to recharge at home over the holidays. Hopefully we’ll see you at Easter!” (or Mother’s Day, Dad’s birthday, whatever.)

      If they’re the type to take you on an all-expenses paid guilt trip, complete with a layover in Passive-Aggressive Central, I give you permission to fake being sick. “Sorry. *Spouse/kiddo/I* have the flu. Don’t want you to get it too!”

  3. Kołaczki*

    Does anyone know if there will be a worst boss of the year competition this year? I know last year Alison said she was thinking about discontinuing it but I never heard what she decided.

    1. Ask a Manager* Post author

      Yes, on Monday! I had been planning to discontinue it (mostly just thought maybe it had run its course) but so many people have been asking for it that I ended up putting it together today and we’ll vote next week.

      2. Not A Manager*

        Maybe this year you could have a separate category for “most destructive chaos monkey” or something similar, otherwise there will be no contest. Or just give Elon a Special Lifetime Award.

        1. Caroline+Bowman*

          I think the Worst Boss Award should be named the Elon Lifetime Achievement Award, and then there could be categories such as Musk Douche of the Decade, there could be runners up, it could be a whole thing.

        2. Observer**

          I don’t really agree. Not because Elon is a good boss, but because despite being the most high profile and part of very large corporation, there are plenty of other worse things out there.

          Even if we look just in AAM, there are some things that really are in the running. Like the boss who only wants to hire attractive young women; the company that constantly keeps positions posted to “keep people on their best behavior” (I’m surprised that Elon hasn’t tried that one yet); all the employers who penalized people for not breaking the law, (legal) health regulations etc.; all the employers who break the law and / or discriminate.

      4. Mrs. Pommeroy*

        Huzzah! Thank you for putting it together again!
        Another vote here for keeping Elon seperate because he truly seems to be his own category of bad. And I wouldn’t mind a worst co-worker competition, either xD

  4. Elle*

    Does anyone here play Redactle? It’s a fill in the blank game to guess a random Wikipedia page. I’m addicted and look forward to noon everyday when a new game is posted.

    1. Global+Cat+Herder*

      My mom, sister and I share our results like other people share Wordle. Although we use redactle-unlimited.com since the UX is a little easier for 80-year-old mom.

      I solved Redactle Unlimited in 2 guesses with an accuracy of 100% and a time of 00:05:56. Play at https://redactle-unlimited.com/

      1. ecnaseener*

        Impressive, but I once got it in ONE guess! (The answer was redshift and the censor had missed the word blueshift lol)

      2. Jay (no, the other one)*

        Uh-oh. I tried it a few times on my phone and gave up in frustration from the scrolling. Now that I know I can play it on the computer….uh-oh.

        and thanks. I think.

    2. Global+Cat+Herder*

      I pasted my score from today without realizing it had an embedded link and would go to content moderation!

      My mom, sister and I play, and share results with each other like people share Wordle, but we use redactle-unlimited because the UX is easier for 80-year-old mom. We have very different approaches, and have been surprised to find out we have quite different random knowledge, despite similar interests and jobs.

    4. Ganymede*

      I play it! I love “getting it” early but I will absolutely plough on forever if I don’t, which has its own mad satisfaction. I play on my laptop as my phone (Android) doesn’t show the entry field properly and I have to scroll too much.

      I’m a massive fan of Waffle as well, they give extra value with the word definitions and very silly but erudite sample sentences.

      1. Turtle Dove*

        Thanks for recommending Waffle! It’s new to me, and I really enjoyed playing it and look forward to more.

        2. Pennyworth*

          I love waffle, also the weekly 7-letter waffle deluxe which I only discovered recently. I also enjoy octordle – eight simultaneous wordles for those who don’t know it

    5. Elle*

      Does anyone else cheat? I get enough words that I copy and paste into Google. Most of them I’m never getting on my own. I come close but don’t have enough knowledge.

    6. OtterB*

      Oh dear. I’d never heard of it. I started playing Waffle recently but Redactle is new to me and it appears I am going to find it addictive. Thanks, I think.

    8. Mephyle*

      Yes! Redactle has become a daily ritual, one of three games I play every day: 1. Guess My Word by H. Ryan Jones, 2. Semantle, and 3. Redactle. I’m not a great Redactle player – it usually takes me between 200 and 300 guesses, sometimes more. At the worst, I’m reduced to finding the answer by searching a phrase that I’ve uncovered, but I’m “not allowed” to give up until I find the solution by hook or by crook. So, yes, I sometimes “cheat”.

      I play Wordle and its multiples from time to time, but the three games above are daily must-dos for me.

    9. TheLateReplier*

      This has been part of my rotation for a while, usually after the morning routine of Framed, Heardle (sometimes, they used to have better choices), Plotwords, Moviedle, Actorle, Moviedle.xyz (first one you watch a sped up movie, this one you guess a movie based on the number of letters and ages of the cast), Globle, Worldle, and finally Wordle and Spelling bee and Sudoku. I used to do all the wordle clones but clearly thing got out of hand and have stayed that way for a while, so I had to cut back somewhere.

    10. Esprit de l'escalier*

      No, but I am addicted to both Spelling Bee and Cryptogram. I used to love pencil-and-paper (and eraser) Sudoku when my local newspaper had it, but now they don’t and I don’t enjoy it on-line … I haven’t found a user-friendly version of it. If anyone has a sudoku site to recommend, I am interested!

      1. TheLateReplier*

        Sudokupad is a great site for sudoku online, though it’s more of a software that others post their puzzles on. I’m fond of the Cracking the Cryptic youtube page, they post often and have a good range of difficulty. Usually it’s a variant of sudoku, with some extra rules thrown in.

      1. Elle*

        I finally got the wordle and needed to google several redactle phrases before getting it. Rough day for me.

    1. Happily Retired*

      The others have mildly amazed expressions of “Well, gosh!” (or possibly “dang!”), but Olive has her best “And your point?” stare going.

  6. Confusedbycats*

    I’m about to adopt my first cat, and I am baffled about cat dental care. Vets recommend daily brushing, but it seems like not even vets can do that! I see other things like gels or sprays, but nobody seems to know if they are actually effective! There’s so much conflicting information!

    People say that in the wild, cats chew on bones and grass to clean their teeth. So I was planning to grow cat grass and have the cat chew on that for dental care (and regular vet cleanings obvi). Does that sound like a good plan? What do other people do? Also, I’m adopting an older cat, 8 years or older, so I won’t have the advantage of starting as a kitten.

    1. RLC*

      We’ve never succeeded with a home dental program for any of our four cats, and their dental health has varied wildly from one to the next. All eat exclusively dry kibble – cat grass just led to many vomiting episodes for our crew. They have annual dental exams and any needed cleaning along with their physicals. Our vet has noted that there seems to be a significant genetic component; some cats just have more decay prone teeth, like some humans.

      1. KatEnigma*

        Yep- 6 cats as a kid, 4 as an adult. None of them have had their teeth brushed regularly. Most vomited eating any grass. Teeth cleaned when recommended by the vet, which honestly has never been that often.

      2. cats*

        One thing to add is that ideally don’t rely solely on dry food. Include wet food as well if possible because it’s considered healthier because of the water content (and can help ward off kidney disease when they’re older).

        1. Blinx*

          Yes! I just adopted a kitten after not having cats for a long time. They recommended a spoonful or two of wet food along with free feeding dry food. Said it helps to aid in digestion. I found some Iams wet food that comes in tiny containers that is just the right amount. And to look for dry food that has the meat (ie, chicken) as the first ingredient on the label. As for dental care, I’ve never even considered brushing any cats teeth.

        2. nobadcats*

          Or Greenies dental care treats. My cat is due for a cleaning and possibly some extractions. I’ve never had a cat submit to home dental cleaning with a teensy toothbrush or the rubber finger scrubbie, even if I started them as wee kittens. It always ends up with twice yearly dental work for the kitty.

          The absolute worst was one of my elderly cats (adopted at 12 y/o after her person had to go into a nursing home–she was a devout old lady cat, sat in my lap and let me rest the book I was reading or whatever I was knitting on her, and took no sass from the younger cats). We did regular dental cleaning with a groomer, but eventually, she developed squamous carcinoma in her upper jaw, which eventually led to us having to say a gentle, loving goodbye to her.

          Dental care in cats is nothing to ignore, they need to be checked at least once a year because what could be a simple, treatable dental infection could be a sign of something more serious.

    2. Missb*

      dry cat food helps.

      I’ve had cats my entire life; we’ve never needed dental care until our current cat. She’s quite old so it isn’t unusual – we’ve just hit the genetic lottery until now. I also do the indoor/outdoor thing, so that may have meant that they used their teeth a bit more. One of our previous cats was a serious mouse hunter, and he tended to not leave much behind. I imagine he crunched quite a few little bones in his time.

      I had a coworker adopt a 2 year old cat and ended up having to have all of its teeth pulled almost immediately.

      I’d just start setting aside some $, knowing that eventually you’ll have to pony up some funds for cleaning and maybe extraction as your cat ages.

    3. Kittee*

      Thank you for adopting an adult kitty! And how fun to be getting your first cat. Regarding dental or at least medical care, see if you can get pet insurance right away. You may not be able to at 8 years old but check it out (and people on this thread may know the best kind to get). It can save you a lot of money over the years (as I found out by not having any!). Don’t know if it will cover dental. Oh, have a wonderful time with your new friend!

    4. Expiring Cat Memes*

      I used to give my cat a raw chicken neck once a week or so, which is apparently very good for their teeth. Sometimes she ignored it and yowled for something else, but most of the time she enjoyed the novelty I think. On occasion she’d also offer to share it with me… let’s just say I got to recognise her “I have a gift for you human!” meow pretty quickly after having raw chicken dropped on my desk or on the living room rug a few times.

    5. Casper Lives*

      It seems genetic but dry food helps. I’ve been lucky with my cats, including cats living into teen years without any dental work needed.

      Until my 2 year old cat! He’s getting tartar already. He’s lived in the same indoor environment as my other cats. He gets toys, treats and sticks that are supposed to help with teeth.

      The vet recommended teeth brushing. Unless your vet is concerned about your cat’s teeth, I wouldn’t worry about it. Your cat may need a dental cleaning due to age but I’m not sure there’s anything you could do to prevent that.

    6. Jules bee*

      So happy for you and your future kitty!! I’m echoing others with never having had luck brushing my cat’s teeth. I can’t imagine, really! Your plan to budget for regular dental cleanings is a good one. Maybe look a little more into the suggestion others have made that dry food somehow helps keep teeth clean, though. This seems to be a pretty common misconception. Your vet will be a good resource, of course!

      My cat loves starting her day with a few blades of cat grass. Try it! If anything, it can be good enrichment. Best wishes to you and kitty!

      1. a cool cat*

        My older cat (13) gets non-anesthetic dental cleanings at the vet 2 times per year @ $240 each. If anesthesia is needed, a full dental cleaning with xrays costs $900. When I adopted him (aged 10, “free,”), he immediately required $2,000 in extractions of broken and decayed teeth. A very expensive free cat but he’s a darling.

        I discussed using the water additive you can buy from sites like chewy and my vet is all in favor of it actually helping, if the cats are ok with the taste. I’m VERY gradually increasing the concentration in their water.

        1. JSPA*

          Your city or your vet is super expensive, then, unless it’s a root canal each time. (Google, average cost cat dental cleaning USA.)

          My cat had 3 teeth out in a non-US country for under $100, and that included the X-rays and 2 days worth of pain meds.

          1. Cat and dog fosterer*

            A Cool Cat’s prices are typical for my area too. I expect your costs are skewed by being outside the US.

            1. Paris Geller*

              Yeah, same-that price is very typical in my area. My vet does have a membership service where you can pay each month and get one free cleaning a year & up to two free visits a month–labs still cost but they’re reduced and they also reduce boarding if you have the membership. I pay for one of the cats because it ends up being a little cheaper (though not by much).

              1. nobadcats*

                My kitty is looking at $600 to $800 for her next visit just for dental work. She’s um 10 or 12 (her Gotcha! day is December 7th, she was my kitty for Christmas), even at 3 or 4 months old the vet detected that she might have dental issues. My current vet is suggesting cutting out most of her dry kibble and switching to all soft food with water added, using kibble (she only like the fishy Taste of the Wild flavors and super fishy chunky Earthborn food) only as treats, along with her tuna dental care Greenies treats. All vet approved for now.

                I told my kitty she should get a job already.

            2. JSPA*

              The cats are normally in the US, as are we, except when we (all) travel.

              Various Google results give the 2022 standard US range as,

              “average between $50 to $300” and “$100-$400.”

              I’m not saying that you shouldn’t pay whatever it is that you have to pay. I am saying that your numbers may be on the high side for the person posting the question.

              (Reposting in the right place)

        2. Cat and dog fosterer*

          Non-anaesthetic cleanings are strongly recommended against by all the vets and techs I know. They can’t get under the gums, which is the part that eats away at the teeth and causes problems. Non-anaesthetic cleanings are a waste of money and may give a false sense of security.

      2. Ashloo*

        It’s mostly genetic/vets do not know the causes of certain diseases. We have 4 cats. Our oldest basically has perfect teeth, the next oldest needed almost all removed from resorptive lesions (a fairly common maybe auto-immune condition of unknown cause). They eat the same stuff.

        I think the most important thing is actively looking in their mouth regularly in order to catch problems. Cats hide pain incredibly well. If their gums are red, breath suddenly extra stinky, drooling… all potential indicators of problems. Kidney disease also causes incredibly gnarly breath.

    7. JSPA*

      Cat grass is, in my experience, mostly so they can more easily puke up hairballs when they feel the need.

      Wet food keeps them hydrated, crunching dry food keeps their teeth cleanish. There are crunchy dental treats just for that purpose, as well, but they are too crunchy, or not digestible enough, for some cats.

      It’s highly individual–even on the same diet–whether they will build-up tartar (and need to be sedated and have their teeth cleaned every year or two) or whether they need it every 3 or 4 years. I’ve never had a cat never need a cleaning.

      But, yknow, they lick their butts clean, and love stinky stuff. Cat breath isn’t going to mostly smell like rainbows and roses, even if you do brush.

    8. Anne Kaffeekanne*

      We’ve had about 15 adult cats by now and never done anything special for their teeth (they do have dry food always available in addition to wet food) and only 2 have needed dental care – one when he turned 16 and one from the time she was around 11 (regular cleanings, nothing else yet).

      Incidentally, the one with the cleanings is our sole indoor-only cat, so there might be something to the whole chewing on bones thing. However, her teeth are still fine, she just needs the cleanings once a year (she’s very particular about being touched so my mom usually multi tasks and uses the anaesthesia time for a very thorough brush. Works out great)

      I’d say buy some kibble/treats/etc which are meant to be good for teeth and have the vet monitor the status of course, but there’s no need to brush the teeth or anything like that.

    9. Flower necklace*

      I use a finger brush to brush my cat’s teeth. He hates a regular toothbrush but will tolerate a finger brush a few times a week.

      He’s not allowed dry food, per the vet. Only prescription wet food due to kidney issues.

    10. Falling Diphthong*

      I have had cats (usually two at a time) for almost 30 years. We did not brush their teeth and our vet never recommended it. None of them had dental problem.

    11. Jean Pargetter Hardcastle*

      Our cat has gingivostomatitis and the vet recommended we try the Hill’s Science Diet oral care dry food. At her last checkup they said it had removed a ton of plaque from her teeth. The pieces are enormous, the size of dog food, but the vet said that is why it works, from her having to crunch and grind. I would check with your vet, of course, because I don’t know if it’s recommended to use for cats who just need general cleaning – but in our case, it seems to be working great.

      1. FunkyChicken*

        This is the only dry food I give my cats, and no cleanings needed since we switched to it exclusively for dry.

    12. The Gollux, not a Mere Device*

      On the vet’s advice, we give our cats Greenies “dental treats,” which at least for our cats work well, and the cats are delighted to eat them.

      The dental treats were recommended specifically for one of our cats, but the vet confirmed that it’s fine to give them to both cats. She has also confirmed that yes, they are working.

      The cats think their salmon-flavored dental care treats are one of the best things in the world; I wish I could find a toothpaste for myself that I liked half as much as they like their dental treats.

    14. Caroline+Bowman*

      If your kitty is not a kitten when you get them, then starting a daily dental regime will be very upsetting for all concerned, in all probability. I’m sure there must be cats who literally are happy to have their teeth cleaned (usually because they started as kittens!), but I have not yet met one.

      If your cat is a rescue who is 8, then I’d say just feed your cat a very good quality diet – if they eat wet food at all, there is a plaque-off granular powder thing that you can mix in that I understand works really well, and is not expensive, so that might be a good compromise – but otherwise, regular check-ups when shots are due and a good diet has always served me well with the various rescue cats I’ve had over the years.

    15. Generic+Name*

      I have lived with probably over a dozen cats in the course of my lifetime, and not one of them ever got their teeth brushed. Only one cat had significant dental problems.

    16. Cattle Farmer*

      My family are cattle ranchers and our cats and dogs both get raw bones to chew on. No dental problems for either of them. Per out vet, never feed cooked bones to pets. Cooked bones are softer and more likely to cause a choking hazard when they splinter. But I think genetics play a big role in dental drama … both in humans and cats.

    17. Pennyworth*

      Give your cat raw bones – ones they can completely eat. The chewing on the bone scrubs the teeth. Start them young on the tips of chicken wings wings, they can graduate to more of the wing, or necks. Our family cat used to catch and eat rabbits, bones, fur the lot. Never give cooked bones, they splinter into terrible sharp pieces.

    18. Jenna Webster*

      My cat eats only dry food and dry cat treats (her choice, I’ve tried to feed her everything else). She had her first dental check at 9 years old and needed a cleaning, but there were no major problems. I’ve never known anyone who brushed their cats’ teeth and lived to tell about it. If you’re noticing tartar or problems like the cat not eating as normal, have your vet take a look.

    19. Dancing Otter*

      If you want to brush your cat’s teeth, I recommend you first invest in a pair of chain mail gauntlets. And peroxide for your puncture wounds.

      A few cats like dental chews. Others aren’t convinced that DOG is an alternative spelling for CAT. Maybe it was the picture on the package?

      The health plan I got through Banfield (PetSmart) includes virtually all routine care, including annual teeth cleaning. Extractions are extra, but discounted. Two check-ups per year, worming and vaccinations, too – though I still have to pay the county rabies tag fee.

    20. Eventingforchickens*

      Look up the Veterinary Oral Health Council online — they maintain a list of products which are shown to actually help clean the teeth. There are many dental treats etc out there and they do not all live up to the claims they make.

  7. Jackalope*

    Reading thread? Everyone share what they’re reading this week, and request or give recommendations. Any type of reading counts!

    I’m currently reading What Fresh Hell Is This? by Heather Corinna based on a recommendation from someone in this thread. It’s about menopause and perimenopause, and is both informative and entertaining. I’ve been reading passages aloud to my housemate.

    I also just finished up Not the Witch I Wed by April Asher. It is a fantasy romance novel that was fun and playful. Everything wrapped up a bit too neatly at the end even for a romance, but otherwise it was a lot of fun.

    1. Teapot Translator*

      I read Killers of a Certain Age by Deanna Raybourn and The Baker Street Letters by Michael Robertson. Both for readers looking for action.

      1. carcinization*

        I had to read that for school decades ago (I guess college would be more plausible than high school, thinking back), and automatically recommended it to my best friend at the time because I thought a certain part about creating perfect moments (again, read this decades ago, so may not be a direct quote) would resonate with both of us. Anyhow, I must have enjoyed it since I remember even that much!

    3. Broken scones*

      I started reading The Charmed List by Julie Abe and it’s as delightful as I expected it to be. It’s contemporary YA with a sprinkle of magic thrown in. I also started listening to Drew Leclair Gets a Clue by Katryn Bury.

    4. Cookies For Breakfast*

      I have two nonfiction books on the go.

      1) Calypso by David Sedaris. His humour is right up my street, and as someone very much not from a large family, I’m enjoying his stories about his many siblings.

      2) Cultish – The Language of Fanaticism by Amanda Montell. I’m also a listener of her podcast, Sounds Like a Cult, but had heard about the book first. It could perhaps go deeper about how cults, MLMs and other groups use language to draw people in, but it is good at presenting interesting facts in an accessible way.

      2. Ali + Nino*

        If you’re interested in cults, Dr. Janja Lalich, an expert who used to be in a cult herself, did a fascinating Q&A with Wired – I believe she’s also written a book. Check her out!

    5. Lemonwhirl*

      Still plowing through “Wayward” by Chuck Wendig. It’s the followup to his 2019 book “Wanderers”.
      It’s a great book – kind of like if Stephen King’s “The Stand” and a William Gibson novel had a baby. The characters are really compelling. (It does deal with the aftermath of a pandemic, but I find pandemic novels oddly comforting.)

    6. Falling Diphthong*

      The Wood Wife–book recommended for its strong sense of place in the desert around Tuscon. Liked it.

      The Mushroom Tree Mystery–haven’t started yet, but it’s the latest in the Crown Colony mysteries set in Singapore before and during World War II, with a great main character and sense of place. Looking forward to this, and I believe it’s the last in the series, set at the close of the war.

      The Cat Sitter’s Pajamas–cozy mystery (part of a series) I picked up randomly at the library. This was odd–the cozy side was very good, with a strong sense of place and of the nuances of the recurring characters and the varied tasks of a professional pet sitter. The mystery side was oddly constructed–the murdered person never gets a name, there’s no solving… at one point the heroine thinks “I am on the street where my grandmother’s seamstress lived, I should drop in” and they have an abrupt discussion about counterfeit luxury clothing that informed me this would be an important plot point sometime, but boy howdy it would not be introduced in any other way before the end of the book. I picked up the first in the series at the library before I had finished this one, and I’m now less enthused about reading it. Will probably give it a go at some point.

      1. MEH Squared*

        Just to let you know about The Cat Sitter’s Pajamas….the original author died around five books into the series? They are now written by her son. I liked the original ones, but am not as fond of his contributions.

    7. NotBatman*

      Hide by Kiersten White. Strongly recommend. I just tore through it in two days. It’s horror, social commentary, action thriller, and slow-burn romance all at once.

      When No One is Watching by Alyssa Cole. Can’t recommend. This one got a lot of hype, but the pacing is janky, the romance feels forced, and the ending does not fit the rest of the story.

      1. Lemonwhirl*

        Can’t believe I left Hide off my best books of the year list. YES! Hide is amazing. You described it perfectly.

        (Also totally agree with your other assessment – I listened to that one and was super-meh about it. It sounds great in the blurb but definitely has all the problems you listed.)

    8. Bluebell*

      A lot of fun fluff this week – Before I Do by Sophie Cousens switched timelines a lot but was still a good romance. Drunk on Love by Jasmine Guillory made me want to visit Napa, and I’m finishing Rosaline Palmer Takes the Cake, which was recommended here a few weeks ago. My husband is reading Amber Ruffin and Lacey Lamar’s The World Record Book of Racist Stories, and I’ll get it next.

    9. GoryDetails*

      Several in progress as usual, including:

      LIBBY by Libby Beaman, subtitled “The Alaskan Diaries and Letters of Libby Beaman, 1879-1880,” an enthralling account of a woman who accompanies her husband to a post monitoring the harvesting of seal-pelts on the remote Pribilof Islands in between Alaska and Russia. (I’m always bemused to be reminded that what I think of as the staid, British-Empire Victorian era of the 1800s also included the heyday of America’s Wild West – and of the country’s expansion via the Alaska Purchase.)

      SUNLESS SOLSTICE, subtitled “Strange Christmas Tales for the Longest Night,” a collection of British tales set at or around Christmas, mostly from the 1800s; some interesting choices so far, including some tales that have seldom been anthologized. There are scary tales and also some with benign ghosts.

      DECLUTTERING AT THE SPEED OF LIFE by Dana . White, which I think I first heard about in a previous Ask A Manager thread; it’s yet another in a long series of books about decluttering and home organization – I like to read them in lieu of actually organizing, as it makes me feel as if I’m being productive just by thinking about it {wry grin}.

      And a recommendation: ANGEL FALLS, by Julia Rust and David Surface – mentioned before but as it’s by my sister and brother-in-law, and is a very good read, I figured I’d add another plug. It’s about two teens who are each carrying the emotional burdens of their respective parents, and who meet in a mysterious, possibly-haunted New England forest where a small village of colonists was abandoned centuries before. And where, it’s just possible, wishes might come true… Haunting, very creepy in places, but not overtly violent – a very satisfying story.

    10. Pool Lounger*

      I’m dealing with long covid, so I decided some light reading was in order and picked up a bunch of The Cat Who… mysteries from thr used bookstore. Very cozy. Concurrently reading Woodcutters by Thomas Bernhard, a 180pg interior monologue by a man sitting in a wingchair at a party held by a coupke he despises. It’s biting and funny and bitter, but being in this guy’s head for more than a few pages at a time is a lot.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Ooh, if you like light, funny mysteries (well, crime capers), you might also like Donald E. Westlake’s Dortmund series or Lawrence Block’s Bernie Rhodenbarr series if you haven’t run into them already.

    11. Angstrom*

      Circe by Madeline Miller. A retelling of the story from the Odyssey from her perspective. Excellent.

      Miss Pym Disposes by Josephine Tey, following a recommendation here. Fun!

    12. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Finally finished Buchi Emecheta’s *The Joys of Motherhood* — overall, it is a searing indictment of the social and internal pressures for women to define themselves solely through mothering many children, of self- and societally imposed people pleasing, and of the British colonial system in Nigeria. Content warnings for almost anything you could think of, but I’m glad I read it.

      Not sure what’s up next from the to-be-read pile. Maybe Jules Verne’s *Michel Strogoff*

      1. Imtheone*

        I read several books by Buchi Emcheta some time ago. Very good writer, but the main character suffers lots of hardships.

    13. Big Moody Curve*

      Digger Unearthed by Ursula Vernon. Digger (original title) started as a webcomic, won a Hugo, and was published in book form a decade or so. It has been out of print for several years. The new release was funded via Kickstarter; the initial goal of $20,000 was reached in the first five minutes of launch.

      Main character Digger is a wombat and a mining engineer. Her society is practical and down to earth. (She would enjoy the double meaning of “down to earth.”) They don’t believe in gods or magic, but they understand that other people do. One day while tunneling, Digger accidentally emerges into a world that is very much ruled by gods and magic. From there, it’s a classic quest to Do The Big Thing and get home.

      I’m not into webcomics. I’m not into fantasy, with Tolkien and Pratchett being big exceptions. (There are elements of both in this.) The story is funny, sad, deep, heart-warming.

      The webcomic is available free online for people who are patient enough to deal with graphics-heavy page loading.

      1. GoryDetails*

        DIGGER is so awesome! I read the books when they first came out, and am glad to hear that the reissue is going well. (Note for those who aren’t aware: Ursula Vernon has also written some charming books for younger readers, the “Danny Dragonbreath” and “Hamster Princess’ series – fun for adults as well. And under the name “T. Kingfisher” she’s written some delightful retold-fairy-tale and other fantasy novels – and a few awesome inspired-by-classic-horror-tales horror novels, such as THE TWISTED ONES and THE HOLLOW PLACES.)

      2. Geezercat*

        I found DIGGER online, binged it all, then purchased the book (SUPPORT YOUR FAVORITE ARTISTS). I absolutely ADORE it.

    14. Loredena Frisealach*

      I spent the week rereading RJ Blain’s Magical Romantic Comedy with a Body Count series. I enjoy them, they are a bit fluffy and the first few seem very standalone. But as they progress in addition to reoccurring characters and themes they start to form a more coherent whole. She has the rest of the series mapped out in terms of titles/publish dates with an end game in mind. The series is easy to dip in and out of, there are only a few where order matters; they do build on each other and I generally read in published order – though there is one that next reread I might kickoff with, as while published very far in it’s actually set ~20 years back. I do recommend mostly published order for a first read. They are set in an alternate universe, so our world, more or less current time, but with significant changes due to the periodic influx of magic.

      1. Silence*

        I do like her books. I am currently rereading her books published under her Susan copper field pen name that are just as good but less light

    15. PhyllisB*

      From November until January I overindulge in Christmas novels. I just finished In a Holidaze by Christina Lauren. It was cute (I gave it three stars on Goodreads.) I didn’t think it was worth all the hype it got last year.
      I’m taking a break now with Out of the Clear Blue Sky by Kristan Huggins and then The Baker Street Translation. Even I have to take take a break from super sweet romances!! :-) After that back to the holiday theme with The Matzo Ball.

      1. PhyllisB*

        Oh!! And for the dog lovers in the crowd, I also just read The Twelve Dog of Christmas. A ton of fun!! Even better,(if you like this sort of thing) it’s the first in a series!!

    16. DataGirl*

      We are Legion (We are Bob) by Dennis E. Taylor. Very fun and light space exploration series featuring a sentient AI and his many clones.

    17. carcinization*

      Currently reading Carroll’s Glass Soup. Didn’t really know it was sort of a sequel to another book of his, but still enjoying it.

    18. Ali + Nino*

      Just started The Impossible Us by Sarah Lotz and I’m tearing through it. Romance + alternate universes. I don’t want to say more than that.

    19. Quinalla*

      What Fresh Hell is This? is so great if you need some perimenopause/menopause info! Also highly recommend it!

      I’m re-reading Extreme Ownership by Jocko Willink & Leif Babin, leadership book written by a few navy seals. Reading it with a leadership group at work. It’s pretty good, though I don’t like all of it.

      I’m between books at the moment for my other book since we’re only reading a chapter every week or two of Extreme Ownership, but my TBR pile is large, so I’ll find something soon. Been getting good recommendations from the Agile Book Club podcast and from Brene Brown’s podcasts, likely will read The Persuaders by Anand Giridharadas next, he was on one of Brene’s podcasts and the book sounded very interesting!

  8. Jackalope*

    Gaming thread! Share any games you’ve been playing this last week. As always, this is open to all games and doesn’t refer to video games only.

    I haven’t been doing a lot of gaming this week so I don’t really have anything to share, ut looking forward to what the rest of you have been up to!

    2. ecnaseener*

      I discovered Counterfeit Monkey this week, it was so fun! (It’s a text adventure where the main form of interaction is removing letters from words in your environment to make new words.)

    3. Dr. KMnO4*

      I picked up the Fate: Grand Order mobile game 3 weeks ago and have been plowing through the story. It’s 100% a gatcha game, but I’m enjoying it. It really helps that my husband and a few of our friends play.

      I’ve played a fair bit of Destiny 2, finished the new dungeon on Day 1. I’m really impressed with Bungie’s commitment to queer representation in D2. The ending cutscene from last season shows two male characters kissing. It’s so nice to see stuff like that in a AAA video game.

      I’ve played some Pokemon Scarlet and I’m looking forward to getting further in it. Team Star is really silly, though.

    4. No Longer Looking*

      Mostly the usual suspects on BoardGameArena.com – Feast for Odin, Azul, Wingspan, Viticulture. Oh, we’ve also been playing some Forbidden Island, but we’re frankly doing quite bad at it playing asynchronously.

    5. Nutrageous*

      My young son developed an enthusiasm for mousetraps (thanks a ton, YouTube Mousetrap Mondays). I just bought the MouseTrap board game that I remember loving to play with my father. My son absolutely adores it. However, I don’t remember needing to intervene so much to ensure that damned pieces stayed where they needed to and did what they were supposed to.

      Submitting my application for the “things just aren’t built the way they used to be” group.

    6. Quinalla*

      We had our Christmas party (annual but haven’t had it since 2019) and we play some board games at that. We play Two Rooms & a Boom, Resistance: Avalon and Spyfall and I also played some Uno Flip with the kids. For computer games, back on the Valheim train again since they released Mistlands recently and I usually play a game of Monster Train every day and a couple games of DOTA2 – just with my family against bots as the community can be a bit too toxic for me to play random pub games.

      Looking forward to the kids and us having time off for their winter break, going to play a bunch of board game!!

  9. Porch Screens*

    Suggestions for Dirty Santa gifts in the $20 or below range, please! There’s only so many times people can get excited over the fuzzy blankets, vanilla-scented body products, tumblers, and drill bits that I tend to see at these things, so I’m interested in ideas that are still practical or fun without just being more of the same stuff.

    And just for fun, what was the best item you ever received from one of these games? TIA! :)

    1. E*

      Not fun or original, but you can’t go wrong with a gift card to a coffee place or some good lunch place near the office if you’re in person. Or what about some nice teas or hot chocolate?
      Or fancy grape juice (looks like a nice bottle of wine but is office-friendly)

      1. WellRed*

        This made me chuckle. I got stuck with chocolate coins and fancy grape juice at an office swap. I have diabetes. Oh well.

      2. Observer**

        Oh, you can go VERY wrong with food items. Between medical and religious restrictions, even a gift card, rather than a specific food, can be off.

        Of course, since this is a “Santa swap”, I suppose the religious restrictions are not going to be much of a consideration. But it is worth noting that there are some Christian denominations that DO celebrate Christmas but have issues with alcohol. So, there is that.

    3. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

      Decent scissors? ALL the different patterns of duck tape? Christmas-y spatulas or hot pads? Cookie cutters?

      The best white elephant present I know of was a toilet seat. Still new in packaging, but still. A toilet seat. The giver had it lying around and thought it would be a great gag gift. Turns out that there were three couples at the party who had a toilet seat with a broken hinge at home, so there were 6 people stealing and re-stealing the toilet seat.

    4. Missb*

      I got a cat (insert word for the end of the cat) coloring book in this year’s white elephant exchange. It is fabulous. You can find them on Amazon and they run about $6.

      The most stolen items this year were alcohol. Hands down.

      Also an hourglass pickle jar was a strange hit. Not sure of the price range on that one though.

      Smore’s kit?

      1. JSPA*

        1. Rubik’s cube or equivalent “hands on” fiddle puzzle that’s not electronic in any way.

        2. Windowsill herb seed set

        3. Physical, wind-up egg timer

        4. Power outage LED lightbulb that doubles as a flashlight

        5. Candle lantern

        6. Hand crank flashlight

        7. Book

        (Can you tell we’ve had some power outages?)

    5. Sooda Nym*

      Collapsible grocery totes? (search “grocery box bag). So handy for so many things, not just groceries. And a set of 3 could fit your budget.

    6. Ginger Pet Lady*

      Animal sound buzzers were a HUGE hit at one I went to once. A set of 4, they all make different sounds, and they were like the buttons players slap on family feud.

    7. Lore*

      The best one I ever gave was a mini French press + insulated tumbler. (I think we had a $25 cap.) The two best ones I won were a game set—travel scrabble and handheld electronic Yahtzee—and a pair of beautiful big mugs with a tea assortment.

    8. Expiring Cat Memes*

      The fiercest competition I saw was for a bacon-themed BBQ apron.

      I can’t remember what one it was, but I did see an apron online under $20 with the “push button, receive bacon” meme on it, which cracks me up every time.

    10. Jackalope*

      I went to a themed gift exchange – the theme was books. The gift was a deck of Shakespearean Insults playing cards. (It was a regular deck of cards except that each one has an insult on it from Shakespeare.)

    11. Pickles!*

      Fancy pickles. There will be people in the group who just don’t care for them, but there will likely be enough enthusiasts that the competition for them will be fierce.

    12. Applesauced*

      My family does this for Christmas! This year my ideas are:
      – Fancy salts (smoked, or flavored) and popcorn kernels packed in a big bowl
      – a mushroom grow kit – admittedly, I want this so that’s why it’s in there
      – a projector or Bluetooth speaker, but the ones under the $20 limit seem crappy

    14. Irish Teacher*

      Any kind of game. Something like “Bring Your Own Book”. Selection boxes (do ye have those in the US?). Boxes of biscuits/cookies. Executive toys sort of stuff.

    15. Emma*

      This year I’m doing a yeti mug (one version was $20), the Cover your Assets game and the Blokus game, both of which are reported to be really fun.

      I’ve also heard people recommend rechargeable USB lighters.

      1. Emma*

        And I would love to do a squatty potty, which I’ve heard people love, but I think it’s over $20.

        Also, a wrapped takeout pizza, lol!

      2. Samwise*

        Blokus is a lot of fun! It’s a game kids and adults can play, kids can win too especially if they gang up on the weaker adults lol.

        1. Jessica*

          Blokus is a good game but it’s like a knife fight in a phone booth. Also only works for exactly 2 or 4 players.

    16. Incognita*

      I scored binoculars this year! Nothing fancy, but I’m always wishing I had a pair in the car, so they’ll live there for impromptu birding. I really like and still use the set of glasses I got years ago, and the big hit this year at ours was a blanket that looks like a tortilla, so, the same old stuff can also be exciting!

      Short story: I totally spaced on buying a gift this year and the night before was scrambling. I had one thing that I knew one person at the exchange would love and everyone else would regard with confusion, so I rolled the dice and wrapped it up. Person A had an early number, and did not pick my gift. Person B picked it later on, and I heard A go “Aw!” when it was opened. When it was my turn, I stole from A (my plan no matter what it was – I traded for the binocs later), A stole my gift from B, and B stole something less weird that they much preferred. Risky but successful!

      1. The Gollux, not a Mere Device*

        Weird one from years ago. I don’t remember what we contributed, but my girlfriend snagged a cheap plastic “draw Australia” stencil–and the lightweight flame-colored tote bag it was in, while other people seemed to only notice the stencil part. I think she threw the stencil away as soon as we got home, and is still using the bag for shopping a decade later.

    17. Pool Lounger*

      Best was 10 bottles of sriracha, second best, a mix of groceries and snacks from a giant Chinese grocery store. Worst was an old mug and powdered hot chocolate kit that looked like it came from TJ Maxx several years before.

      If you have a World Market around, or a gourmet food store, often they have under-$20 sets of mini hot sauces, chocolates, and other such food gifts. Gift cards to Target, Amazon, or a local grocery store or bookstore are always popular too.

    18. Apt Nickname*

      Various kinds of emergency kits. My college-aged brother got a car emergency kit one year for Xmas and remarked that now he just needed a car! I guess I have car stuff on my mind because a small air compressor is also really great to have when you need one.

      1. Observer**

        Those are a really nice idea. And car or not, they don’t tread on a lot of potentially sensitive issues.

    19. Fellow+Traveller*

      This year, my husband sent a shirt that says, “Worst Secret Santa Present Ever.” I
      I heard that things that light up are always a big hit – flashlights, headlamps, glow sticks.

    20. the cat's ass*

      If folks have a christmas tree, ornament (s)! Commemorative for this year (uhm, maybe not?), sports team, fave dog or cat, etc. Or socks! I got my fellow aggravated HCW colleague a pair that says, on a black background, in silver glitter yarn, “This meeting is BS!” spelled out and they were very much appreciated. I got girl scout cookie ornaments AND GS socks for our troop dirty santa last year, and they were a hit.

    21. Storm in a teacup*

      Last year the most stolen gifts were a bottle of some fancy olive oil and a pair of red wine glasses

    22. Tired Shopper*

      Lottery tickets and liquor are popular at my office. Even the non drinkers seem to like the alcohol because its easy to regift. The local wine shop sells several prewrapped gift samplers of mini bottles of both wine and hard liquor in the $10-$30 range. Last year, a grow your own mushroom kit was the most popular gift. The best gift I ever got from one of these exchanges was a rechargeable hand warmer.

    23. Scout Finch*

      Our Dirty Santa was different. We had to bring something (usable, not trashed out) from around the house/office (no purchasing stuff). I once took 2 double rolls of NICE wallpaper that husband had left over from a job. It got stolen the maximum 3 times. No idea why – maybe they wanted to do an accent wall or use as shelf paper?

      The gifts ran the gamut: Richard Simmons Sweating To The Oldies VHS tape, women’s flannel footie pajamas (got stolen a lot), wine, kitchen towels. It’s funny to see what people find desirable.

      The BEST DS gift I ever got was a Staples Easy Button that I know came from a colleague’s desk (she worked in desktop support, I was in a different department of the IT division). People would come by & press it once we had completed a grueling day or project. Great comic relief.

    24. Manders*

      This would definitely depend on the other people involved (work or church vs not), but one year I brought the cookbook “50 Shades of Chicken” to a party and it was very, very popular.

    25. Macaroni Penguin*

      I just got an assortment of funky office supplies from Japan.
      Good quality gel pens
      Cat paw print masking tape
      Shiba dog post it notes
      An eraser that looks like salmon sushi

    27. Quinalla*

      Some fun party/board games that are small: can go more traditional like Uno, Uno Flip, Quirkle, just plain old cards or something more complicated like Arboretum, The Fox in the Forest, King of Tokyo, Azul, any of the Resitance games.

      I also like practical stuff like flashlights. I especially love my flashlights that go on the head, one has a strap to wrap around the head, the other is in a winter hat. I don’t see well in the dark, so really nice for putting out trash in the winter when it is dark, when you are trying to do something with no free hands like plumbing work, electrical work, etc. I love a good multitool or a small screwdriver that is TSA approved. Or a small waterproof or at least water resistant bag of some sort, handy is lots of situations. Folding laundry baskets were a thing my parents got all of us kids a few years back. Some of my siblings didn’t want theirs, but I love them and have bought more as I slowly wear them out. So much less awkward and lighter than carrying the actual laundry basket around.

  10. Missb*

    A weird one.. with cats!

    (long, covid involved)

    So my mom was found on her bathroom floor this morning, has been there since Saturday. She lives in a different state and we tend to chat every 3-4 days. I called her this afternoon because it had been a few too many days.

    She’s at the hospital now, and has tested positive for covid. I don’t know where we’ll put her, but she will likely insist on being taken home. I’m assuming at this point it was the covid that hit her last Saturday.

    She has a ton of cats. They haven’t eaten since Saturday (nothing I can do tonight, it’s several hours of travel plus a snowy mountain pass to get to her place) but we’ll make sure they’re ok tomorrow. I’m so so so tempted to just shove them in cat carriers and bring them home for a bit. Is that a terrible idea? Even if she goes home (which she will – it is a Christmas miracle she’s even at the hospital), she probably won’t have the energy to do much.

    Sigh. Sorry. I’m so utterly frustrated. This is round 2. Round 1 killed her husband and nearly her. She’s still unvaccinated. This time we get to repair a broken door, clean up a bathroom and hopefully find all of her cats (5? 6?)

    Would taking her cats be considered catnapping? I truly don’t want them forever, but I’m happy to keep them safe (and get them vaccinated) while she recovers. WWYD?

    1. cats*

      It would not be considered catnapping to bring them home with you while she recovers and she would probably appreciate it. You should do whatever you need to do to keep the cats safe and fed. Please get the kitties fed and given water! Is there a neighbor who could do it tonight? Cats can die very quickly without food.

    2. Cheshire Cat*

      Your mom will be happy that her cats are safe with you while she’s in the hospital, don’t worry about taking them!

      I’m so sorry you (and your mom) are going through this. Hang in there!

    3. Casper Lives*

      Oh no, I’m sorry you and your mother are going through this. What a terrifying experience for everyone.

      For the cats, you’d be doing the right thing to get them checked out / vaccinated. You’re taking care of your mother’s loved pets while she can’t.

      If you can’t find them all, I suggest leaving out ample food and water. Having a neighbor check on them and top up items also works.

    4. JSPA*

      Its hard for cats to catch and harder for them to transmit covid, but possible.

      They really ought to stabilize, eat drink and poop and pee in place before you try to transport. Can you give them 48 hours to recover, at least, before moving them?

      If they’re unvaccinated for rabies, and they go outside (or possible vectors come inside) and you’re not in the UK or other rabies-free zone, be acutely aware of the risk to you and others, from that.

    5. Working on it*

      I don’t think it’s a bad idea to help her out by taking them, but do they give her comfort and ease her loneliness? If so, could you hire someone to come by once or twice a day and care for them? It’s also a quick check on her, that she hasn’t fallen again.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        This is probably the way I’d go if possible – partly to have the check on mom, and partly to avoid having stressed out cats expressing their stress in your house, to be blunt. If you pack them up and cart them away to a strange environment without their person, I’d fully expect to have behavioral issues as a result. If there’s a way you can keep them at home and still remove some of the caretaking responsibilities, that would probably be best for everyone.

      2. Sloanicota*

        Yeah, this neighbor with the key might be a good person to either visit or help arrange a cat sitter to visit. This situation sounds extremely frustrating and I sympathize, and of course you can’t be driving that distance often to help with the cats, but realistically it’s might be best for all involved to leave them in their home, with care provided. Do keep in mind if you have pets of your own, the cats could be vectors for all sorts of things – FIV, worms, giardia, etc. When I bring fosters home they have to stay in a separate room for a week or two.

    6. The Gollux, not a Mere Device*

      It’s probably too late to hire a professional cat sitter for the days right around Christmas, but not too late to hire someone for, say, now through December 15th or 20th.

    7. Missb*

      Update:

      She’s being admitted to a hospital eventually, once the current one finds a bed for her. She’s probably going to another part of the state and will remain in the hospital for at least a couple of days. She’s pretty weak, still mentally altered (they found she has a UTI). She also has Covid and pneumonia.

      The neighbors next door will take care of the cats. We loaded them up with dry cat food (she told me the brand they get). They’re set for several weeks if needed.

      She is a hoarder. Think of any episode of Hoarders and that’s her. I’ve never actually been to her current home until today, and she’s lived there for more than a decade. I’m just emotionally wiped out from it all- it took Dh and I an hour to clear a path in her bathroom to the toilet. I do not know how she will return home, but I will be following up with a social worker on Monday once she gets admitted somewhere.

      Dh and I joked this morning that we should pack a bottle of vodka to take some shots if needed. I’m not much of a drinker, but i am regretting not bringing that bottle with. Once we are home, I’m going to take a long shower and join some friends for dinner and drinks. Dh and I will rock-paper-scissors the designated driver role tonight. I’m ever so grateful he was willing to pitch in and help today- it was just so very awful.

      1. Filthy Vulgar Mercenary*

        Oh, I’m so sorry. This really is awful and I’m glad you 1, found a way to take care of the cats and 2, have such an amazing support in your DH.

        Please be extra gentle with yourself, this tends to stir things up and you can greet each thing with compassion and welcome, acceptance and curiosity.

      2. Nutrageous*

        This is so hard. I’m terribly sorry for the predicament you find yourself in and the burden you are now looking at taking on in some way.

        If your mother wasn’t a hoarder while you were growing up and this can all be attributed more to her husband passing, there is a chance of turning things around. She’s needs help more than what you can provide. Reach out to therapists and to clean-up organizations that are familiar with hoarding and can shoulder the blame. Because there will likely be blame.

        If these living circumstances aren’t new for her… well, that same advice still applies. (And this is ONLY advice. Not directives. Not criticism. Not judgement – for anyone involved.) But if this is a long-standing habit, the chances of turnaround are drastically reduced. If she’s lived in the house for a decade like this, the house in almost certainly in disrepair. You’re probably looking at how you can step in a make things right. But three months after righting all the wrongs, cleaning up the mess, and donning the cape to save the day, there’s a really high chance your mother will be in the exact same situation. Maybe you can stay on top of her, visit her regularly and keep things in order. It’s what I would try, and it would be absolutely amazing if that worked out.

        I have personal experience in years of giving everything within me to helping my hoarding parents. I failed. Not because I was a failure, but because sometimes you just can’t fix broken. I married, had a son and started a family. My husband and I both tried to help. It didn’t. I barely saw my husband or son for a couple of years because I was so committed to helping. I can’t get those years back and it never made any lasting difference to my parents. Unfortunately, I’m not in the minority here and the odds are stacked against you.

        Do what you can and do what you feel you must. I am rooting for you and for a success story update someday.

      3. Annanimus*

        I feel for you. I had a similar situation with my unvaccinated mother almost dying from untreated after-effects of covid and me being the only one responsible. Minus the cats and hoarding. I haven’t been to visit her since I saved her life and have distanced myself. It seems I can take very little of this kind of thing. It’s very good that you have a husband who is compassionate with you.

      4. Cat and dog fosterer*

        I had a feeling that the cats weren’t the only problem. I’m so sorry for what you are going through. My family is full of hoarders, and It is very hard. My only positive is that the hoarders know not to have pets, because I have dealt with pet hoarders as part of rescue and it’s all very hard.

        I’m not sure if the cats are fixed? If they are fixed but not vaccinated then don’t worry about it. If they aren’t fixed… then the boys will smell and the girls will start to have kittens, so would be really good to get them all done (with the girls as the priority). You can ask around for programs to get them done more cheaply.

    8. Gnome*

      I think it’s great you want to make sure the cats are taken care of … But how are you going to get them home? That many frightened cats is a recipe for somebody getting bitten at the very least. Cats generally don’t like travel and it sounds like this is more than a car ride.

      If you can get someone to check on them in-place, that’s ideal. Another option might be the local animal shelter. Some municipalities (or rescue organizations) will temporarily house animals when an owner is ill or hospitalized. It’s worth a call to find out.

    9. Gnome*

      I think it’s great you want to make sure the cats are taken care of … But how are you going to get them home? That many frightened cats is a recipe for somebody getting bitten at the very least. Cats generally don’t like travel and it sounds like this is more than a car ride.

      If you can get someone to check on them in-place, that’s ideal. Another option might be the local animal shelter. Some municipalities (or rescue organizations) will temporarily house animals when an owner is ill or hospitalized. It’s worth a call to find out.

    10. Observer**

      I just want to say 2 things.

      1. It’s good that you want to take care of the cats. And what you have done so far sounds perfect. But don’t get over-focused on that. I see why it’s tempting to do that, but really short term help for the cats is the least of your problems.

      2. You need help. For your mother, obviously. But for yourself, too. As others have pointed out, there is a LOT here that you probably can’t fix. It’s very hard to not let that stuff consume you (and damage important relationships). Find someone who can help you avoid as much as possible of this.

  11. Gluten-free desserts*

    Gluten-free dessert recipes! Can you identify or provide a link to your favorites? I prefer simple over complicated, and items that are easily transported. I also hope for healthy-ish and not overly sweet desserts if that’s not too oxymoronic.

    As for ingredients, I always stock a store-bought 1:1 GF flour mix and an assortment of GF flours and starches. I love chocolate but can have it only in small quantities, as more than an ounce gives me a raging headache, so no lava cakes. I rarely bake sweets, but I’d like to share some with my (GF and non-GF) friends at this time of year.

    1. Missb*

      glutenfreegoddess! lots of choices there

      shortgirltallorder has some lovely pumpkin pie or pecan pie cookies. I’ve baked the pumpkin pie ones and they were a big hit. They are not overly sweet. She’s more of a vegan type baker but I’ve always subbed 1:1 when making GF cookies.

    2. AGD*

      Tapioca, rice pudding or congee, something with a lot of coconut (macaroons?), something with a lot of marshmallows (maybe rice cereal squares – I like chocolate ones), GF carrot cake, homemade frozen yogurt or pretend ice cream with banana…it’s 11 PM and I just brushed my teeth and climbed into bed and now I want to get back up and cook all the things.

    3. Not A Manager*

      Chocolate mousse is gluten-free. I’d think that a single serving would have less than an ounce of chocolate in it.

      Cooks Illustrated has a nice recipe for Berry Fool. Their version is more of a summer dessert, with fresh berries in it, but it’s quite adaptable. Basically you puree your fruit with some sugar, add unflavored gelatin, and chill. When it’s time to serve it, you whip up some lightly sweetened cream and swirl the fruit puree into some of it. Then you make layers of sweetened fruit, cream/puree mix, and plain whipped cream.

      As I said, the original recipe is for summer berries, but I’ve made variations using frozen fruit for the puree and macerated orange sections or pineapple for the fruit layers.

      This is the time of year for chestnuts. Google “Mont Blanc” and you’ll get some good recipes for basically a sweet chestnut puree and whipped cream.

      1. Jackalope*

        I’ve also had raspberry mousse as well and it’s AMAZING. You can find recipes pretty easily online. The ones I’ve had are basically raspberries, sugar, gelatin, and whipped cream.

      1. TeaFriend*

        100% second the Tarta de Santiago (was gonna suggest it myself!)
        It’s soft and moist and delicious and not too sweet.

    5. Cormorannt*

      Meringues meet all the requirements. I’ve made all sorts of flavors from various recipes. They’ve always been a hit at events.

    7. Cookies For Breakfast*

      Look up lemon and ricotta cake from the blog The Little Loaf. It uses almond flour and was a hit with my friend who can’t eat gluten.

      Amaretti biscuits are another favourite of mine, also with almond flour. I use the Bread Ahead bakery recipe that can be found on the Happy Foodie website.

      1. Gluten-free desserts*

        I love the idea of the Amaretto Biscuits but I don’t have amaretto liqueur. I’m in the US; can someone recommend a good brand to bake with? My local liquor store’s website shows many brands in a wide price range and I don’t know how to choose.

        1. Cookies For Breakfast*

          You won’t need liqueur :) the recipe I mentioned definitely doesn’t use it (or if the online version mentions it, it’s totally optional, I never have any in the house and the biscuits still taste exactly right).

          1. Cookies For Breakfast*

            In fact, adding one more comment to say the normal almond extract that’s made for baking is what I use and it works great.

            1. Gluten-free desserts*

              Thank you for pointing this out! Now I need to buy some almond extract, but that doesn’t require going to the liquor store and choosing among umpteen possibilities :) I used to keep various extracts back when I did more baking — almond, lemon, coffee, and of course vanilla which may be all that I have now.

    8. JSPA*

      Bowl of trifle. Sub out shortbread for anything gluten free you’d use as a sugar cookie / biscuit. Tons of fruit, some whipped cream, custard, something to sub for shortbread, which I like best soaked with crème de cassis (but I bet cointreau is also nice). Candied something on the top or chocolate shavings, optional.

    9. Bookgarden*

      It takes a little work to get the ingredients, but Schars has a great, easy tiramisu recipe on the back of it’s ladyfingers package.

      https://www.schaer.com/en-us/r/tiramisu

      It’s a bit sweet but the espresso, sprinkling of dark chocolate cocoa powder, and rum if you’re interested tame it down considerably. You don’t need to bake it, but it does need to be refrigerated overnight. It transports easily enough in a cooler.

      Bel Gioso makes gluten-free mascarpone I get from Target, Schar’s GF Ladyfingers from their website or Walmart, and espresso off of Amazon. My partner keeps Sailor Jerry on hand so we mix a little of that in, but it doesn’t have to have it. The only caveat is that you need to be comfortable eating eggs that aren’t cooked.

    10. AcademiaNut*

      On the cookie front, hazelnut cookies. They’re delicious, and naturally flour free.

      Beat 2 eggs + 250 g powdered sugar in until pale yellow and the sugar is dissolved (this can take a while). Fold in 250 g of ground hazelnuts. You can use a icing bag to pipe little cookies, or use a spoon to drop them onto baking paper on a tray. Bake at 180 C for 12 – 15 minutes, until slightly brown and cracked on the outside. Cool for a while before transferring to rack.

      1. Gluten-free desserts*

        Thank you, this looks very do-able! About how many cookies would these ingredients yield?

    11. Applesauced*

      I’m going to try making pignoli cookies today!
      Gluten free, but nut heavy. The video I watched said you could sub sliced almonds for the pine nuts (because wow can they be pricey!)

    12. Professor Plum*

      This week I made Nigella’s flourless chocolate orange cake for a party. The oddity is that you boil two oranges for two hours, and then put them into a food processor or blender to chop. Yes, the whole orange goes in. It’s such an elegant flavor. I chopped pecans into pecan meal, because that’s what I had on hand. And I used swerve for sweetener instead of sugar—and only about of what the recipe called for. Topped with a bit of whipped cream. Here’s the recipe: https://neighborfoodblog.com/nigellas-flourless-chocolate-orange-cake/

      1. Gluten-free desserts*

        I think Claudia Roden might have introduced this cake to general awareness in her 1985 cookbook. I made her recipe a long time ago with the 2 whole boiled oranges and ground almonds, no chocolate. It was actually too moist for my liking, very rich and orange-y, but this was a time when GF bakers had only rice flour, so it was great to find a no-flour recipe!

    14. Chauncy Gardener*

      Check out meringue cookie recipes. The Rosa Franklin is a lovely pecan cookie. There are many chocolate meringue cookie recipes out there as well.

    15. Jay (no, the other one)*

      NYT cooking has a recipe for Tiny, Salty, Chocolate Cookies. That’s the official name. They are DELICIOUS, easy, and gluten-free as long as the cocoa powder and chopped chocolate you use are GF. I make them for Passover and they are YUM.

      1. Gluten-free desserts*

        I’m reading the recipe and they say to use high-quality cocoa powder since it’s the major flavor ingredient. What kind do you use?

    16. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I do variations on three-ingredient peanut butter cookies — at base, one cup PB, one cup sugar, and one egg, mixed together into a dough and baked 350 for 10-12 minutes. Sometimes I put in add-ins, mini chocolate chips or mini M&Ms or such. Sometimes I use them as the base for blossom cookies and press a Hershey’s kiss, rolo or a miniature candy bar into the top straight out of the oven. If you take two of them and sandwich them together with strawberry cream cheese, jam, frosting or Nutella in between, they make tasty small whoopee pie type cookies.

    18. Angstrom*

      I make simple “energy balls” for bike rides that might work. Throw dried fruit(dats, figs, apricots, etc) in a food processor, add nuts, chocolate, seasonings, pinch of salt, oats. May need tiny bit of water. Whiz, roll into bite-sized balls using oat flour or almond flour as a nonstick. Chill.

    20. 00ff00Claire*

      I’ve had pretty good success with the “Maple-Iced Gluten Free Pumpkin Cutout Sugar Cookies” recipe from Gluten Free on a Shoestring. I’m pretty sure I baked them with Bob’s Red Mill 1:1 flour, but the recipe as written calls for an all purpose blend instead of 1:1, so I think most blends should work OK. The recipe calls for 4 oz of pumpkin butter but it was unclear if this is weight or volume. I went with volume and it worked. Plain they are not all that sweet, and they were good both with and without the icing!

    21. SaraK*

      Gluten free shortbread is pretty easy to make and tastes very similar to the non GF version but is slightly more crumbly. I usually add chopped macadamia nuts to mine if there are no nut allergies to deal with. Not strictly a dessert but great as a present as it keeps for a few weeks in an airtight container.

    22. just another queer reader*

      It sounds like you want to be a little fancier than this, but rice krispy bars are gluten free. (and there are a number of variations, like with peanut butter or toppings)

      1. Anon57*

        I think you do to check the cereal to make sure it’s gluten free. Ingredients can change, but it was the case where Rice Krispies are not gf, but Malt O Meal brand are gf.

      2. 00ff00Claire*

        Correct, Rice Krispy brand is *not* gluten free. I know Aldi sells their version which is gluten free.

  12. Teapot Translator*

    This is *not* the reading thread (please see above Jackalope’s thread).
    This is the 2022 Book Recommandations Thread (inspired by Alison’s). Which book(s) did you read this year that you’d recommend? I’ll put mine as a reply.

    1. Teapot Translator*

      Hmm, there’s a lot…
      – The Language of Thorns by Leigh Bardugo
      – A Master of Djinn by P. Djèli Clark
      – The Space Between Worlds
      – This is How You Love the Time War by Max Gladstone and Amal El-Mohtar
      – A Memory Called Empire by Arkady Martine
      – Asterios Polyp by David Mazzucchelli
      – She Who Became the Sun by Shelley Parker-Chan
      – Killers of a Certain Age
      – The Kaiji Preservation Society by John Scalzi
      – Mrs Mohr Goes Missing by Maryla Szymiczkowa
      – The Arrival by Shaun Tan
      – On a Sunbeam by Tillie Walden
      – All Systems Red by Martha Wells
      – Iron Widow by Xiran Jay Zhao

        1. Ellis Bell*

          I completely adored it. Particularly the fresh take on witches in fairy tales, particularly Ursula.

    2. nena*

      Yes please!! If you are willing to include Alison-like blurbs describing them it would be even better! (Although I recognize that is a lot more work so I understand if people don’t.)

      My contribution: my favorite book this year was Life Undercover by Amaryllis Fox. It’s a memoir by a former CIA agent and a very insider look at all the details of doing undercover work that we usually don’t hear about except in movies.

      2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I read that after I watched a series that was a deep dive into researching Chicago serial killer H. H. Holmes – she’s one of the two primary folks featured in the docuseries. Interesting lady for sure.

      2. The Prettiest Curse*

        I also read The Dispossessed this year and really enjoyed it. Not my usual type of book, but my husband and I challenge each other to read a specific book each year and that was his choice for me. It’s a science fiction novel about a scientist from a planet where there’s no such thing as capitalism or private property who visits a planet where such things very much exist.

      3. GoryDetails*

        Re THE SPARROW by Mary Doria Russell: I really enjoyed that one, as dark as it got in places (and it got very dark indeed); I thought it did a masterful job of depicting alien cultures and the inevitable misunderstandings that might result. The sequel, CHILDREN OF GOD, is also very good – and manages to provide a completely different interpretation of many of the events of the first book, by revealing the true motives (and many of the misconceptions) that triggered those events.

    4. Dark Macadamia*

      I think most of these were recommended by Alison or the commenters here but these were my favorites this year!

      Siren Queen, Nghi Vo: historical fantasy about an Asian silent film star, with magic/soul-selling

      Mexican Gothic, Silvia Moreno-Garcia: 1950s debutante in a haunted house, with mushrooms

      The Paragon Hotel, Lyndsay Faye: white gun moll from Harlem hides out in an all-black hotel in Portland and investigates a child’s disappearance

      The Tumbling Turner Sisters, Juliette Fay: historical fiction travels of a vaudeville family

      How to Be Perfect, Mike Schur: basically just his research for “The Good Place” narrated by him and the show’s cast in audiobook format :)

    5. Pentapus*

      The old woman with the knife. It’s my first book of Korean fiction in translation. It’s about an old lady who is a career assassin, and coming to terms with ageing and the good and bad circumstances and choices made in a life. I really slowed myself while reading so I wouldn’t devour it all at once.

    6. Lemonwhirl*

      If I have a type when it comes to books, it’s well-written and compelling characters.

      “Harmony by Carolyn Parkhurst
      A family drama about families who are struggling with their children’s behavior and they put their faith in a tough-love family coach who turns out to be not what he seems. This book was a tough read, but also was very empathetic and lovely. The narration switches between characters so you feel everyone’s feelings.

      “The Very Nice Box” by Eve Gleichman and Laura Blackett
      Believe Alison recommended it – about a designer for an IKEA-like place who is dealing with grief.

      “The Change” by Kiersten Miller
      Great story about three women whose menopausal journey has given them superpowers, which they use to investigate the deaths of younger, forgotten women. Don’t want to give anything away, but this book is a primal scream against the patriarchy and I was here for it.

      “Number One Fan” by Meg Elison
      Creepy thriller about an obsessed fan who kidnaps his favorite author and attempts to change her. Misery, but even weirder and creepier.

      “The Displacements” by Bruce Holsinger
      Fantastic disaster novel about a Category 6 hurricane that devastates Miami and Houston.

      “Common Decency” by Sussanah Dickey
      Delicate and charming novel about two women in a Belfast apartment building who are struggling with different circumstances. One is grieving the death of her beloved mother, the other is in a frustrating affair. The novel shows how lives can overlap and how our actions can cause ripples.

      “Good Neighbors” by Sarah Langan
      When a sinkhole opens up in a Long Island neighborhood, fault lines and flaws in the neighborhood’s residents are revealed. (Trigger warning for child abuse and also false allegations of child abuse.)

      “Small Game” by Blair Braverman
      A reality TV show goes wrong in the wilderness.

      “Now Is Not the Time to Panic” by Kevin Wilson
      A recent Alison recommendation – about couple of teenagers whose clandestine public art project causes a panic.

    7. Falling Diphthong*

      I’ll start off with three series:

      Murderbot by Martha Wells. A security unit hacks its governor module and, rather than go on a killing spree, decides to watch the equivalent of the Netflix back catalogue while half-assing its security job. Space opera ensues.

      The Scholomance by Naomi Novik. What if you were in a magical high school where people got killed all the time and that was actually stressful and horrible, and the only reason to do it was that your odds of dying outside were much higher? Great main character in El, and there’s a layer of examination of privilege that is smoothly woven into a story about trying not to get eaten by monsters.

      The Crown Colony Mysteries by Ovidia Yu. Set in Singapore before and during WWII. The main character, Su Lin, initially takes a job working for the detective unit to avoid an arranged marriage. She was crippled by polio, and working with that physical limit is woven into the narrative. Over the series her job changes, reflecting how hard it is to plan your life with a world war chopping off options. Her relationship to her family also changes, becoming closer or more estranged.

      1. Lemonwhirl*

        Love MurderBot!

        Have you read “Magic for Liars” by Sarah Gailey? I think it might be something yoid enjoy, based on these recs.

          1. Lemonwhirl*

            Great! Really hope you enjoy it. Gailey has this way of dropping you right into the book’s world, which can be delightful but also a little disorienting sometimes.

    8. ecnaseener*

      Babel by R. F. Kuang. It’s a historical fantasy where the magic is powered by translation between languages – specifically by the unavoidable loss of connotations and shades of meanings – extremely cool.

      It’s set in the 1830s with the magic being an integral tool of the British Empire. The protagonist is a Chinese boy raised in England and groomed for a translation/magic career – Britain doesn’t have enough translators in non-European languages so of course they go around plucking children from their homes.

    9. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      A Natural History of Dragons – 5 book series by Marie Brennan. Memoirs of a bluestocking noblewoman in a pseudo-Victorian steampunk sort of setting, where Judaism (albeit not by name, but recognizable) is the primary religion and dragons are a thing. (First book is actually titled “A Natural History of Dragons”)

      Matthew Reilly’s Jack West series – 7 book series, sort of a cross between Indiana Jones and James Bond? Lots of thrills, adventure, ancient history of various types, all on top of a really sweet chosen family story. First book is “Seven Deadly Wonders”.

      Someone else suggested, and I will second, John Scalzi’s “Kaiju Protection Society” – but I also really love his Lock-In books, for an interesting twist on murder mysteries.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Oh, and Legends and Lattes by Travis Baldree — a very sweet heartwarming story about what happens after the D&D character retires from adventuring and settles down to open up a coffee shop and learns how to be settled.

    10. The Gollux, not a Mere Device*

      Index, a History of the, by Dennis Duncan — if the title sounds appealing, this is your kind of book. If the title just sounds weird, this book probably isn’t for you.

      Spirals in Time, by Helen Scales — this is about seashells and the animals that make them, past and present, and construed broadly enough to include octopi. It’s just full of delightful bits, like the habits of land-dwelling hermit crabs and the mathematics of the possible “space” of seashells.

      Louise Penny’s Inspector Gamache mystery series are excellent, with a range from sensitive character studies to thriller plots. (Content warnings for the two most recent, The Madness of Crowds (for the pandemic) and A World of Curiosities (Ecole Polytechnique) — Penny doesn’t sensationalize either, but even a sensitive handling of those might be uncomfortable reading.

      A Half-Built Garden, by Ruthanna Emrys — climate change and an alien first contact, set a few decades from now, when people are making some realistically slow progress on mitigating the damage. The first contact is made on Earth by a woman whose turn it happens to be to check out anomalous readings from a river water sensor, who goes out carrying the baby she’s nursing.

    11. Pool Lounger*

      -The First Collection of Criticism by a Living Female Rock Critic by Jessica Hopper
      -Malpertius by Jean Ray, a weird gothic supernatural novel involving Greek gods, a spooky old house, and werewolves
      -Lolly Willowes by Sylvia Warner, about an older woman who decides to leave her controlling family and become a witch
      -Say Nothing by Patrick Radden Keefe, nonfiction about the Troubles and a specific IRA kidnapping and its aftermath. Probably the best book I read all year
      -A Swim In a Pond In the Rain by George Saunders. Might also be the best book I read this year. Russian short stories plus Saunders’ commentary, writing advice, and reading advice. Absolutely outstanding and meaningful and emotional.

      1. The cat's pajamas*

        I thought I’d read some of Allison’s recs this year but didn’t. The ones I read must have been from the reading thread. I did read a few of hers ladt year though. Either way, I appreciate all the recommendations from everyone. Thanks for helping me find good books. My to read list is huge, too. I’ve gotten into a reading rut, and am set for a good long while.

    12. Dr. KMnO4*

      The House in the Cerulean Sea by TJ Klune – this is the second best book I have ever read, and the best fiction book I have ever read. It’s perfect.

      Under the Whispering Door by TJ Klune – very good, but be prepared to cry. A lot. It’s a heavy book that deals with death and grief and loss and love.

      Cemetery Boys by Aiden Thomas – kind of a murder mystery, fantastic characters, great look at Day of the Dead traditions. It has a transmasculine main character. There is a fair amount of blood, FYI.

      Lost in the Never Woods by Aiden Thomas – interesting take on Peter Pan.

      The Sunbearer Trials by Aiden Thomas – similar to the Hunger Games but less intense, a lot of Aztec mythology, another transmasculine main character. It’s the first book in a duology, I don’t think the second one is out yet. It’s definitely YA, but still enjoyable for adult readers.

    13. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Circe by Madeline Miller
      The Joys of Motherhood by Buchi Emecheta
      Death Comes for the Archbishop and The Song of the Lark, both by Willa Cather
      Journey to the Center of the Earth by Jules Verne

    14. Cookies For Breakfast*

      1) Fleishman Is In Trouble by Taffy Brodesser-Akner. A slow-burner, and so well-written. It was possibly an Alison recommendation that put it on my radar. It’s about a broken marriage and so much more: youth, aging, friendship, jealousy, aspirations, gender, and how people can love each other and hurt each other badly at the same time.

      2) Everyone In This Room Will Someday Be Dead by Emily Austin. A lesbian atheist with crippling anxiety accepts a job at a church by mistake and tries to go along with it. One of the best depictions of mental health, and especially intrusive thoughts, I can recall ever seeing in fiction. Loved the dark humour too.

      1. Fellow Traveller*

        I loooved Fleishman so much. It’s one of those books which I was so disappointed to see turned into a tv series/movie because I think people should just read it.

        1. Cookies For Breakfast*

          Yeah, I had a passing thought of watching it with my partner (he rarely reads fiction but loves a good story on film or TV) but decided not to for your exact same reason. There’s too much of a risk the adaptation narrows down the novel’s broad scope and I don’t want to be disappointed.

    15. The Other Dawn*

      Recursion and Upgrade, both by Blake Crouch. Both fast-paced sci-fi thrillers. Recursion was my favorite, though, and I was sad to come to the end.

    16. IT Manager*

      1) From Alison’s list – Lessons in Chemistry was unexpectedly wonderful … the book cover art IMO was not a good fit so what was actually inside was a lovely surprise.

      2) Overall this year, I’m gifting several family members the Richard Osman Thursday Murder Club trilogy for the holidays, hands down my favorite read this year.

      3) I also found, thanks to this AAM group, Tana French (Dublin Murder Squad) and Louise Penny (the Gamache series). Both are wonderful variations on a murder mystery novel. Both have amazing sense of place, though very different from each other.

      I’m grateful to the AAM group who’ve been guiding my Libby finds this year!

    17. Bluebell*

      I enjoyed many of the Alison recs this year, including Lessons in Chemistry (which I discovered on my own), Olga Dies Dreaming, Counterfeit, and the Lost Ticket. A friend recommended the Lady Astronaut series by Mary Robinette Kowal, and though I’m not usually a sci fi fan, I loved them. Another friend recommended Book Woman of Troublesome Creek – good historical fiction about a traveling librarian in rural KY during the Depression, and she is a “blue.” When I’m Gone Look for Me in the East by Quan Barry was totally unique, featuring twin monks traveling in Mongolia. And for nonfiction, Allow Me to Retort by Elie Mystal. I’d like to thank the weekend commentariat here; I’ve definitely jotted down suggestions, and found things I might not have read otherwise!

    18. Fellow Traveller*

      My favorite books this year:
      Harlem Shuffle (funnier than Nickel Boys but just as poignant and smart)
      Razorblade (I don’t usually read thrillers, but this story of two men, one Black, one white who team up to solve the murders of their married gay sons… gripping and heart wrenching.)
      Hamnet (was there ever a more perfect final chapter?)
      My Lady Jane (a happy ending for the Nine Day Queen? Yes please!)
      Boyfriend Material (such a great and funny and human love story)

      Non fiction, two memoirs really stood out, both which I got on audio and were fantastic:
      Broken Horses by Brandi Carlisle (especially notable because Carlisle performs one song at the end of each chapter.)
      You Can’t Be Serious by Kal Penn. (Hollywood and the Obama Administration all in one book! Really great.)

    19. OtterB*

      I read primarily science fiction and fantasy and people have already recommended many of my favorites. I will add:

      Nettle and Bone, T Kingfisher. Princess who has been living in a convent sets out to rescue her sister from abuse with the help of a grave witch, a fairy godmother of limited skills, and a dog made of bone. Not strictly horror like some of Kingfisher but has dark creepy parts. Not a fairy tale retelling but a fairy tale feel. Has Kingfisher’s usual humor and practical heroine. A tale of doing your best no matter what.

      A Strange and Stubborn Endurance, Foz Meadows. M/m romance of diplomatic marriage turned real. Importance of trust. Cw for sexual assault and the emotional aftermath.

      And, for something completely different, The Plant Hunter by Cassandra Quave. Memoir of developing a research career in ethnobotany, testing traditional healing plants for modern use in antibiotics etc. Mix of science and travel content, woman with disabilities in STEM, running a research lab.

  13. Teapot Translator*

    What are your hobbies (past or present)? I’m feeling a bit restless, tired and bored at the same time, and I don’t feel like doing anything but watch TV and read, so I’d like to hear all about your hobbies.

      2. DataGirl*

        I really want to get chickens, but I suspect my neighbor’s aggressive dogs would jump the fence to get to them.

    2. Rocks for kids*

      I paint rocks & leave them around for kids (& adults) to find. I’m not a talented painter, but make simple designs, starting with the Klutz book, “Rock Painting for Kids.” There’s a few FB groups that share & encourage each other.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Ooh, Klutz! : ) I would also recommend their *Juggling for the Complete Klutz* and beanbags for beginning jugglers. I was totally able to teach myself how to juggle when I was a teen because of them, and it was really fun!

    3. OyHiOh*

      Origami, which I routinely fold while watching (listening really) to TV. I also knit while watching TV.

      I do a lot of 2D art with soft or oil pastels. Some of those are small enough to work in front of the TV too (using a lapboard) but the big pieces have to stay in the studio.

      1. fposte*

        A friend and I folded our first origami cranes last week! She’d gotten a cool-looking origami book from a thrift store, and we discovered the instructions were utterly impossible to follow, so we went for YouTube videos instead. And all we had was thick drawing paper, so they were more pteranosaur than crane, but it was really fun and I’d love to do more. Is there a resource you’d particularly recommend?

        1. OyHiOh*

          Origami-imstructions dot com is my favorite. Origami way dot com used to be good but seems to have disappeared in the past few months. Both are text and photos step by step. If you prefer video instruction, paperkawaii dot com is good too.

          Paper: I primarily use pretty magazine paper. It’s much softer than traditional origami paper so I also fold much smaller squares. Usually, 3 inch squares down to about 1.5 inches. Hair product ads with hair in them are gorgeous for cranes – the hair gives a feathery quality to the finished form. I’ve also used tracing paper, tissue paper, and papers used to wrap products for shipping and gifts. Tracing paper is my favorite – it folds with a gorgeous crisp edge, but also retains translucency. Tissue paper is wonderfully fine, but tricky for beginners.

          Other – a boning tool, or equivalent. Something to use on your edges to make them sharp and defined. You can buy purpose boning tools off Amazon and specialty sites, or mess around with tools in your home. The back of a metal spoon works well, as does the edge of a credit card (use one from an an expired or closed account!).
          If you are repurposing papers from around the home, you may want a paper cutter for precise cuts. I got a cheap one at Michaels for under $20, and the cutting blades are replaceable.

    4. Casper Lives*

      Listening to podcasts, fostering cats / kittens, board game groups, Pathfinder / D&D, Lego sets, small craft sets (that might be targeted at children)

      It might help to narrow down what niche you want the hobby to fulfill. Something solo or in a group? Active or sedentary? Indoor or outdoor? Free or expensive? Competitive or relaxed? Short achievements (building a Lego) or long form (running a marathon)?

    5. Dark Macadamia*

      Mostly embroidery and hiking, although I’ve been in “TV and phone games” mode for almost a year and haven’t actually done much of either. I got a really cool but ambitious kit for my birthday that I’m planning to start during winter break and hope that will keep me motivated! It’s big and has parts for all the seasons so I’m planning to use the season to set my pace – do the winter one in winter, etc, and finish it by my birthday next year.

    6. Broken scones*

      I collect and cycle through hobbies. I’ve been on and off with sketching, painting, doing cross stitch, playing violin and I haven’t tried book binding but I really want to!

    7. TeaFriend*

      I bake! But not in the way that other hobby bakers often do; I’m not too fancy about it. I don’t try creating my own recipes or doing incredible decorating etc.
      I also cook and do my best to learn about cuisines and dishes that are foreign to me.

    8. Anne Kaffeekanne*

      I took up knitting during the second lockdown which I LOVE. My aim was to have something to do with my hands while watching TV so I wouldn’t be on my phone the whole time and it has worked wonders. In addition I, a person who was never crafty or practical or anything like that, now get to give homemade gifts to people I love. I did a scarf and then jumped right into my first pair of socks and never looked back.

      I’ve also started to become more active in geocaching again at the beginning of the year, even got one of my coworkers into it, so now we occasionally go for tours on the weekend together or I go by myself – I love that it gets me moving, out of the house, and I get a feeling of satisfaction whenever I can turn an icon on the map into a smiley face. It also gives me a destination instead of aimlessly wandering (which I am also quite fond of doing but it’s nice to leave my corner of the city).

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Oh, yay–that’s great to hear! I’m just about to start taking up knitting to see how I like it.

    9. sewsandreads*

      Quilting, embroidering, reading, and (newly) gardening! I especially love gardening; it’s so rewarding seeing everything come to life. I started with herbs in raised planter boxes on my back verandah and they are going gangbusters!

    11. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      knitting/crocheting, reading, on-and-off small cross stitch pieces. Lately I’ve been doing a lot of color-by-number in the Happy Color app on my iPad, because it’s just the right level of focus (or not-focus) for my downtime.

      1. Dark Macadamia*

        I love Happy Color. When I first realized it’s by-number I was like well what’s the point of that? But the way they animate it at the end feels rewarding and I like think about what will make a cool animation as I go

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          With regular coloring books I get hung up on how tidy I am with the lines and such – Happy Color removed a lot of that weird pressure, I just need to tap the space and it gets filled in neatly and with the right color (though I do sometimes wish I could change the color palette they chose for a particular design). :)

    12. ecnaseener*

      Sewing – hand-sewing especially is nice for something to do in front of fairly boring tv, or with a podcast.

      Knitting on the other hand is nice for something to do in front of good tv, once you have the hang of it you don’t need to stare at it. My fingers get tired annoyingly quickly, but that’s a me problem, I have weak hands.

      And I’ve learned to roller-blade, but if it’s winter where you are then now’s not a good time for that.

    13. Lady Alys*

      I try to learn more about computer programs that I use a lot – so right now I’m watching all sorts of videos about Power Query in Excel, and I’m about to start an online tutorial on QGIS.

    14. Autumn*

      Puzzles, while listening to audiobooks or podcasts. I have a puzzle swap with friends (spreadsheets are involved, lol), since they can get expensive. Some libraries also lend them out.

      Singing – I take lessons over zoom. The structure and accountability are good for me, and I love how I’ve leveled up in control and range. I also play the baritone ukulele. It’s so hard to get into the flow state since the pandemic, music is really the only way for me right now.

        1. Autumn*

          I have a friend who’s an opera singer, so I asked her! Not super useful for you, sorry. But I get the sense that small singing studios who organize various teachers are on an uptick, so maybe look around for local studios? My teacher is in an area that it would be a real drag to drive to regularly, but I can still participate in recitals and have the occasional in-person visit when I feel like the risk is low. I’d estimate that 90% of the students are children and teens, but that’s OK! I’ve been writing songs too, and the recitals are a great place to try them out in a very low-pressure environment.

      2. OtterB*

        I sing also. I joined a women’s barbershop chorus more than 10 years ago, a chapter of Sweet Adelines. There’s a lot of education activities available. We are finally back to rehearsing in person, still mostly masked since singing is a superspreader activity. Had our first holiday performance since 2019 last week. I have started practicing with a quartet. Nice change of pace from my data analyst job.

    15. Taking the long way round*

      Week I love reading and I love watching TV :)
      But I also like tarot and the occult, including astrology, personal psychology, photography, colouring in (those adult colouring-in books are fun), watching other people make their DIY journals on YouTube (I’m useless at making my own but am in awe of others’ attempts!), swimming, pet care, walking in the woods or by the sea, and writing.

    16. GoryDetails*

      Heh! Reading is my primary hobby – though I’ve also been into BookCrossing for many years now, and that gives me interesting things to do with my books once I’ve read them. [It’s a web site where you can register individual books and label them with their own unique tracking numbers, and then pass them along – give to friends, leave in public places, add to Little Free Libraries or other book-swap shelves, donate to charity, etc. – and hope that future readers will log the books online and let you know where they went and what the finders thought about them. I only hear back from maybe one book in ten, but it’s still a lot of fun.]

      My other main hobby these days is geocaching – basically, treasure-hunting via GPS coordinates, with the “treasure” being anything from a teensy container with a slip of paper inside for your “found it” initials to a very large container indeed that might have toys, books, or other swag inside in addition to the log-book. I’ve found geocaches hidden on street signs in urban areas, inside guardrails almost anywhere, tucked away just off-trail in various parks… There are even virtual caches with no physical container, just an interesting location where you are supposed to learn something about the target and message the cache-owner in order to log your find. [That one’s good for historic monuments where it wouldn’t be safe and/or respectful to have people searching for a physical container.]

      In the past I enjoyed playing D&D and other fantasy role-playing games – “Call of Cthulu” was another favorite, though a game where you couldn’t win and your best option was to survive the session with at least some of your sanity remaining could be seen as depressing {wry grin}. I still like the games but haven’t had a regular gaming session in some time. Hmmm… maybe I could set up a one-shot game for the holidays; we used to have a “Grinch”-themed one at the home of friends, now no longer with us…

    17. Pool Lounger*

      Cooking, especially Chinese dishes. I love cooking and it’s a handy hobby because you have to do it on a daily basis anyway.

      Cross-stitching. There’s one, maybe two stitches to learn, and on etsy you can find so many different styles of patterns, from cute to classic to spooky. I finished a Baba Yaga pattern and now I’m working on a cottagecore frog piece. Finished pieces make great gifts too.

    18. Blinx*

      Last winter I re-learned how to crochet. I knew it as a child and forgot most of it. YouTube helped out with some of the tricky bits. It’s like fidget-spinners for adults — something to keep my hands busy. I also just ordered a beautiful jigsaw puzzle — haven’t done one in eons!

    19. Dr. KMnO4*

      Knitting, crocheting, sewing, painting miniatures, oil painting, playing videogames, and reading.

      I have ADHD, though, so I have a lot of unfinished projects, books, and videogames.

    20. Elle Woods*

      I’m currently into scrapbooking (both paper and digital), cooking, baking, and puzzle books (those variety ones you find at the grocery store). I used to run, but injuries sidelined me for a while and I haven’t gotten back into it yet.

    21. Just here for the scripts*

      Cycling (indoors in winter—actually got me in good enough shape to do the hills in upstate N.Y. on an outdoor bike!), used-to-be-skiing (made me glad for cold weather and snow—and I had the perfect clothing for outdoor hiking/walks in the winter since I stopped :), walking 10,000 steps a day, travel—especially planning trips (regardless of where we finally go, reading—mysteries and fiction and frequently in audio book form so I can listen while walking , photography (digital/iPhone), painting watercolors from the pictures, seeing plays, concerts, and dance, watching old movies on TCM, re-doing my resume to eventually send off for jobs—haven’t done any sending yet, so I guess it’s a hobby…

    22. Snoozing not schmoozing*

      Music has been my most constant one. I’m not good at it, but I love being able to get a (more-or-less) recognizable tune out of an instrument. Many years ago, when everything seemed to suck, music was the thing that kept me a little balanced. And there are instruments for every budget, so anyone can try it.

    23. MEH Squared*

      Writing, video games (mostly FromSoft games), and Taiji (tai chi), mostly the weapons.

      Sword Form, Saber Form, Double Saber Form, Cane Form, Fan Form, and Dancing Sword Form. I also do staff/spear drills (with a staff), the Karambit Form (not Taiji), and walking the circle with Deerhorn Knives (Bagua, another martial art). I’m currently taking a break on learning new forms to refine the ones I already know and teach myself the left sides, but next up is the Guandao Form.

    24. E*

      Past hobby which I’d love to pick up again when I have more time / space is weaving. I never had the patience for learning knitting /crocheting, but wanted to do something hands-on with textiles. weaving on a tabletop loom is really satisfying, progress goes fast. Not strictly necessary with all the DIY videos out there, but I would recommend getting 1-2 in-person at least to start off so someone can show you the hard parts of setting up the loom and warp.

      Also screen printing is fun and user-friendly

    27. carcinization*

      I collect perfume oils from a company called Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab. I started doing so in 2009, and have been a part of their online forum since 2011. I’ve made several friends on the forum, world-wide, that I now keep in touch with in other ways. Their Yule update is upcoming and I’m looking forward to the forum discussion!

    28. Cacofonix*

      I took up woodworking and have already exhausted the good will of my family with gift giving my creations. I love designing my ideas and figuring out how to make them.

    29. Professor Plum*

      Exercise has become my new hobby—I’m at the gym 3-4 times a week for aqua fit and yoga classes. Supplemented by going through the weight circuit. And I just bought a great jump rope set at a thrift store so now I’m learning to jump rope! I guess relearn since I did this in my childhood.

    30. Rowena NZ*

      I’ve picked up pottery this year. I found myself living alone, and realised I didn’t have an active enough social life to support myself living alone, and pottery was the first thing on my “might want to try that one day” list that popped up as a real option! It’s been hugely fun, and less scary than I thought – I did a handbuilding class (this is not the pottery wheel you’re probably thinking of) and with 6 weeks class behind me and a $40 bag of clay have been able to make some really lovely things! Most places seem to have a club you can join with access to a kiln for varying prices, the local club fires things at cost of electricity which works out to about 50c per mug.

      (I also sew, and garden, and various other things, but pottery is pure play at the moment and I love that)

    31. allathian*

      Mine are reading, playing puzzle games on my cellphone and watching TV/streaming shows. Pokémon GO is great for getting me out of the house when nothing else will…

      I used to do fandom graphics on an ancient version of Photoshop, but I haven’t done any for ages, so I’d basically have to start from scratch if I did.

      I’d like to get back to doing puzzles, and I’ve actually requested a puzzle mat as a Christmas present for our son. A couple years ago we did puzzles together, and I’d like to do that again if he’s up for it. It’s just that we don’t really have the space to keep a 500 or 1,000 piece puzzle on the dining table for weeks or months. The puzzle mat’d be great because it lets you fold away an unfinished puzzle when you aren’t working on it. My son still talks to me quite a lot, he’s not a taciturn teen by any means, but I hope that doing something together would make it even easier for him to share stuff with me, even as I realize that our relationship’s bound to change as he grows older.

      I’ve toyed with the idea of knitting or crocheting again, but I haven’t bought any materials to actually do it…

      Before the pandemic I used to do tai chi, and I really miss it. Sadly my teacher decided to quit when Covid shut everything down. I have poor positional awareness, and need to be in the presence of a teacher to make any progress. I also don’t have the space to do tai chi at home.

  14. Can’tAffordACleaner*

    I have a bit of a dilemma and am curious about your experiences. My partner (cis man) does not contribute much around the house and I (cis woman) am carrying most of the mental load. When I have brought this up in the past, the responses look like:
    – I’m happy to clean but your standards are higher than mine so I don’t know when it needs to be done. You could just ask me to…
    – I am too tired from work, I can’t do it during the week, I don’t have the mental space (but then also “I’ve been working hard all week, I just need to relax on the weekend/holidays”)
    – I didn’t notice X. Sometimes I just literally can’t see this stuff. (X being dishes in the sink, a table needing wiping down etc)
    – They’re our friends, they really won’t care if the house isn’t spotless
    As well as things like assuming I will RSVP to events on our behalf, assuming I will decorate for Christmas, etc etc. Our communication is good but it feels like on issues like this he just goes “I am physically unable to do X, mentally unable to recognise/remember Y, and know that you prefer doing Z”. He does expresses his appreciation that I do these things, but I would prefer being able to rely on him to just step up and pull his weight!
    Anyone else navigated this with tips? (We can’t afford a cleaner) Or just want to wallow in frustration together with me?

    1. Cookies For Breakfast*

      Oh gosh, yes, here I am to wallow in frustration with you.

      My partner only cleans if I say out loud that the time to tidy up the house has come. Even then, it’ll take days (and multiple reminders) for him to do anything. We have an unspoken division of parts of the house we prefer to clean, and some weeks I’ll have done all of mine before he even begins on one of his.

      The justifications are a variation on yours, aside from the standards – I resent time spent cleaning so my bar is not that high. Plus the recurring “don’t stress, we’ll get it done”. I keep trying to explain that I need him to get it done without me saying, and to keep an eye out for mess and dirt on his own, and that just won’t stick. And god forbid I try to explain this is a mental load, because he’ll roll his eyes as if I was denying his efforts (fair: he supports me through patchy mental health and has busier work hours right now. But being stuck with the constant planning of chores is part of what holds me back from finding balance!)

      I was in his study yesterday, and the amounts of dust on any flat surface was unreal. But nope, I don’t even use that room, so he’ll have to figure that one out for himself.

    2. JSPA*

      White board or paper wall chart (as space allows). Agree what actually needs doing and how often, . Initials and date, when done.

      Don’t complain if not up to standards. Toilet 95% scrubbed but rim not wiped? Let that ride until next time.

      Schedule, as you would with a coworker four a brief meeting, when you’re both going to spend half an hour knocking a few items off the list.

      Showering together after both having checked some items off the list at the same time–kinda fun!

      1. Sloanicota*

        As a messy person, I agree that parallel cleaning would work best for me. Especially if it was a recurring thing (“every Tuesday and Thursday night, we’re going to spend 30 minutes both cleaning up. I will put on a playlist and we’ll knock out X, Y, and Z. Please acknowledge in advance that you agree to this, because I refuse to entertain any kind of grumbling/I’m not going to nag you into doing it day-of.”) I would also find it easier to permanently take on a specific task – “Sloanicota is responsible for all laundry and laundry folding, forever” – versus trying to notice things all day. Feel free to assign me a task you particularly dislike, that seems only fair. Ideally, I’d make a new habit and stick to it, like always folding in front of the TV or something.

        1. Eleanor Shellstrop*

          Parallel cleaning is what we do. We put a timer on (say an hour) and then a good playlist and we get to it! We both tend to have chores we prefer but we try and switch now and then because we both notice different spots, so then we get better at it too (I am too short to notice much of the high up dust. He never remembers skirting boards). The hour ends up going faster than expected and because we did it ‘together’ it feels equal. No we don’t always get the same amount done, but it definitely works for us.

      2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        The trouble with a wall chart where you initial what you do — I tried this, and all it did was PROVE my contention that I did four times as much housework as the other three people in my house combined. :P (Though at least they stopped arguing with me about it — they did not actually get any better about it through the power of the wall chart.)

        1. JSPA*

          It only works if the problem is more self delusion / awareness slippage than intentional power trips, assholism, etc.

          If he’s an asshat, that’s not a fixable problem.

          The chart is also useful because if his shower-bathtub scrub tolerance is 2 months, and you urgently scrub at 5 weeks, he may recognize the change when you scrub, but legit not yet have seen the need to scrub.

          If you can agree on 6 weeks, he’s more likely to see the chart, see the need, and do it.

          On the other hand, if only one of you even believes in cleaning shower curtains (and the other believes in leaving them up until they get faded and green-gray with mildew, then replacing) the person who wants to be eco and middew-free may need to take the task entirely upon themselves. Ditto if only one of you organizes the spice rack, or only one of you normally uses tissues rather than hankies.

          1. Sloanicota*

            I do legitimately believe there are some very clean tidy people who should probably take charge of the tasks they care about. I’d be weirded out if my spouse was on me to reorg the spice rack every week. But, there are also definitely plenty of married men who don’t “see” necessary tasks that anyone could agree are essential.

            1. Cj*

              I am a CIS woman, and am the male partner in the original post when it comes to cleaning. My husband’s standards are higher than mine. I don’t see what needs to be done because it doesn’t bother me. I’m too tired to clean after work.

              I will do it on the weekends, but only if he says we need to clean the house, and we are working on it at the same time.

              This is not strictly a male thing, although I do hear more women complain about it.

              1. Just here for the scripts*

                You and I are the same—and we seem to have the same male partners! Best thing we ever did was hire a weekly cleaning woman—better than counseling!

            2. JSPA*

              People have really really dramatically different ideas of what’s essential.

              Plenty of functional professional people live in, on and with their own clutter and/or their own dirt.

              There isn’t an “everyone basically agrees on this,” unless you demote everyone who doesn’t agree, to sub-human status.

              1. Sloanicota*

                It’s interesting, I was reading a similar discussion elsewhere and the commenters said, “20-40 minutes each per day will keep the house reasonably clean.” I admit, my jaw dropped. 20-40 minutes PER DAY? I live alone so I could certainly imagine that a busy big family would create more mess, but that is time I would much prefer to use on something I value more, like reading fiction, walking my dog, working out. I’m happy to pick up for like 10-15 minutes max per day and then put in an hour or so on weekends, but that’s about the priority I’m willing to put into housework TBH. Maybe they were counting like all laundry and cleaning up after more elaborate meals than I make. My mother also nonchalantly mentioned that she does four loads of laundry in a week, and others agreed that sounded right, so clearly my standards are very low.

                1. Clisby*

                  My husband and I are empty nesters, and no way would I spend 40 minutes a day keeping the house clean. That’s why we have a cleaning service come in every other week. We do cook, and whoever doesn’t cook cleans up afterwards.

              2. Zweisatz*

                That’s why in our household we sat down together to define which tasks need regular doing and at which intervall.

                Now there’s a list where we can see who did it last and when so it’s clear when it’s the next person’s turn.

                It doesn’t include yearly tasks so a certain level of cleanliness can only be reached by extra effort, but at least the bathroom and floors etc are usually clean.

      1. fposte*

        I was going to recommend that series. It’s so good. That rare thing of somebody going “Hey, I found out I sucked, and it made me think really hard.”

        1. Generic+Name*

          I agree! I read the series of essays when my ex moved out, and I found it fascinating. This type of self reflection is so rare. I’m curious of he ever remarried and if he did how his experience shaped his new relationship.

          1. Sloanicota*

            Although, he keeps saying “I thought I would use the glass again.” I would wonder if he really, truly thought that, or if he just knew “someone” would put it away for him.

            1. Clisby*

              I don’t doubt it. I wouldn’t put a glass in the dishwasher unless I knew I was through with it for the day. I can’t even imagine getting bent out of shape over someone leaving a glass on the counter instead of putting it in the dishwasher unless the other person was doing other *really awful* things and this was just the last straw. And maybe that’s what was going on here. It’s the only way this makes any sense to me.

            2. Filosofickle*

              I absolutely leave my water glass / tea cup / sandwich plate out for later use all day (or even beyond). I live alone, so there’s no expectation anyone else will do it.

              1. Sloanicota*

                Do you carry it to the kitchen counter and leave it next to the sink? I leave mine out by the couch where I’m using it, sure, but to put it on the counter has a very “leaving it for the maid” feeling to me. Also, I agree with the original writer of the article that, even though it may be true that he was going to use it later (and did he ever actually use it later? or is it like me leaving dishes “to soak” for more than 12 hours?) it was a poor hill to die on.

                1. Filosofickle*

                  I do both. Often I leave it on whatever desk/table I’m at, but I also walk things to the dishwasher and set them *right on top*. It’s one of my most annoying ADHD habits, and I agree it’s totally indefensible and inexplicable — apologies to everyone I’ve lived with — but I’m almost 50 and it seems to be how I’m wired. I’m weirdly pleased later in the day when I see my toast plate on the counter and realize I can reuse it for my sandwich. *shrug*

                2. Clisby*

                  I would do that. It has nothing to do with “leaving it for the maid” – it’s so in case I don’t use it again, it’s in the logical spot to be washed. I would be *really* annoyed if my husband kept leaving glasses at odd spots around the house (and he’d be justifiably annoyed if I did it).

                  I do agree that wasn’t a hill to die on. At the same time, there are always things a couple will disagree are essential household chores. If my husband really wanted glasses put in the dishwasher immediately, I would humor him even though I think that’s silly, because really it takes almost no effort. There are plenty of things I would not accommodate just because I love him. If he thought clean laundry needed to be ironed before being put away, then he’s going to have to do it. I won’t. If he thinks the bed needs to be made every morning, then he has to do it. I won’t. It’s not that I expect him to do those things – I don’t expect anybody, least of all me, to do them.

      2. Filthy Vulgar Mercenary*

        Oh wow!

        “ I always reasoned: “If you just tell me what you want me to do, I’ll gladly do it.”

        But she didn’t want to be my mother.
        She wanted to be my partner, and she wanted me to apply all of my intelligence and learning capabilities to the logistics of managing our lives and household.

        She wanted me to figure out all of the things that need done, and devise my own method of task management.

        I wish I could remember what seemed so unreasonable to me about that at the time.”

      3. Samwise*

        Thank you.

        When my husband and I were going thru a very rough patch (I consulted a lawyer), his inability to put dirty clothes IN the hamper instead of on the floor next to the hamper just about pushed me over the edge.

        I finally said, I don’t care that you don’t intend this to be disrespectful to me (his main response), because to me it feels like a big eff-you. You know that’s how I feel about it. Either you care about how I feel enough to remember that’s how I feel and you act accordingly, or you don’t. If you don’t, I won’t stay around for anymore eff-yous. Your choice.

    4. Pocket Mouse*

      I have so little patience for people like this. And let’s be honest, it’s usually guys in hetero relationships—same-sex relationships, on average, have a much more equitable division of labor at home.

      Right now, your partner’s actions are expressing loud and clear that he’s perfectly happy to have you carry the load, and he will continue to let you do so as long as you let him let you do so. If he cared about an equitable division of labor, or about carrying his own weight, or even about you not getting fed up with his nonsense, he could:
      -make a to-do/to-check list for himself, with reminders
      -make it a habit to wipe down the table and counters *whether or not he sees any mess on it*
      -at bare minimum, make a good-faith effort to discuss this as a household issue that he has some iota of responsibility to help resolve

      If I’m understanding what you wrote correctly, he expresses appreciation for the things you do once they’re done, so he’s evidently able to see the difference between Done and Not-Done. That means he’s being disingenuous at best when he says he ‘can’t see’ cleaning that needs to be done, and (even if I misunderstood) he doesn’t care that he’s putting the load all on you. Can you make him care? How much do *you* care that he’s doing this to you? What if you:
      -stop RSVP-ing on his behalf?
      -don’t decorate for holidays?
      -don’t clean any of his messes, unless they directly affect you?
      -call him on his nonsense, sit him down and insist he come up with and institute strategies (for himself, not ones that you manage for him) to ensure he does his fair share?

      Some of this is putting his responsibility rightfully back on him, and some of it is letting go of the pressures you’ve willingly taken on. And if he can’t step up to do his part in the household (because he cares about you, even if he doesn’t care about cleanliness) consider letting go of him.

      1. Pocket Mouse*

        A visual: a broken-down car needs to get up a hill. You’re pushing the car from behind as hard as you can. He’s sitting in the car you’re pushing, telling you he doesn’t see the hill.

        He’s not a partner to you in this basic life effort. I hope that he is a solid partner in other ways, and that he becomes a partner to you in this as well.

      2. StellaBella*

        +1 this is one reason why I am divorced and have been single for 6 years. I clean how I like when I like and with stuff I like (nothing toxic) and do laundry etc my way. My ex husband is better now that he is on his literal third wife but yeah carrying this burden ugh. Does OP’s husband’s mom do all the stuffy home too while dad does nothing too? I resent this so much for so many women in our world.

        1. UKDancer*

          Can relate, my ex was like this. His mother did everything for him and his brothers (although not his sister). He wouldn’t see dust and dirt and sat there while I cleaned. Then objected when I arranged a cleaner because it offended his socialist principles to pay people for things “we” could do. I got the cleaner and dumped the boyfriend and am much happier. I clean how I like and when I like and the cleaner does the bits I don’t like doing at regular intervals.

          No obvious solutions for the problem, I mean mine was ending the relationship (but that was mostly for other reasons). It would take a lot for me to want to live with someone again.

        2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          My ex-husband was straight up raised with a house rule of “Lastname Men Don’t Do Housework (Just Yardwork).” We lived in a third floor walkup :P And yes, that is 97% why he is my ex-husband.

    5. CatCat*

      He’s being ridiculous. If he “can’t see” things that need to be done then he needs a system to remind him and tell him. The system cannot be your brain. There are plenty of simple reminders he can set up for this. I feel your pain. I expressly told my husband all this and it STILL took a while for him to “get it.”

      It may also help to make things, through agreement, exclusively his domain. And if they don’t get done, they don’t get done. This only works though for things that won’t make you nuts though. I’ve also just got straight out said things that I won’t be doing anymore. Like he now does the grocery shopping because I said I’m not doing it.

      Funny enough, on RSVPing, it’s the friends who assume I will RSVP on both our behalfs. I’ve showed up to several events without him with people wondering where he was.

    6. Can’tAffordACleaner*

      Thank you for the responses so far! He’s a wonderful partner outside of this issue (so as much as I definitely understand the ‘leave him’ idea, that’s not an option I’d consider). Yes, his parents conditioned him in this instance, though he is also critical of gender roles and recognises they were damaging in this instance (might be why his parents finally split up recently).
      I wish I could just stop but his standard of clean is too low for me to handle. Might have to try mentioning a roster again…

      1. Jay (no, the other one)*

        Oh, that “I literally don’t see it” is SUCH CRAP. There is nothing on the Y chromosome that codes for selective blindness.

        My husband pulls his weight with housework. He also loves to garden and do yardwork, and for years he dropped his tools and materials wherever they were when he stopped and left them there until he had time to work outside again, which was often days to weeks. This included sharp things which meant our then-toddler couldn’t go in the backyard even with supervision. After years of frustration and being told I was trying to control his leisure time by asking him to tidy up, I finally took a deep breath and said “when you leave the yard like that, I feel like it’s yours alone and I’m not welcome.” That got his attention.

        And if I were you I would stop doing everything that I could. So what if the Christmas decorations don’t get put it? If he notices and asks about it, well, that’s evidence that he does indeed see this stuff.

        My version of that in your situation would be “When you don’t do {specific thing} I feel like I don’t matter” because that’s how it would feel to me. It’s important to stick to I statements and avoid things like “I feel like you don’t care” because he will then start to defend the fact that he cares and it’s just {trot out old tired arguments}. He can’t tell you that you don’t feel the way you feel (and if he tries, you have a different problem).

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Yes exactly – This is the kind of thing that the essay link I shared below (still in moderation) references — it’s not a glass by the sink (or a saw in the yard or whatever), it’s me saying “this is important to me” and you saying you don’t give a hang, and how do you think that makes me feel.

        2. Myrin*

          I do believe, though, that the “I don’t see X” thing exists. I don’t understand it at all but my sister definitely has this, my mum does to a slight degree (though that’s probably due to age, she didn’t use to be like that), and I vividly remember a comment section here on AAM where many, many people talked about their own experiences with being unable to “see X”.
          (Totally agree with your comment in general, though!)

          1. fposte*

            I’d say that my radar about what’s problem level can get recalibrated, though, and I think that’s typical. I don’t mind random stuff on the floor–it doesn’t ping my “dirty” radar. But when I am cleaning up so the cleaners can come through, I’m not incapable of seeing the socks and the fallen envelope. I’ve just redefined the task from “picking up mess” (because I don’t read it as mess) to “clearing the way for somebody to vacuum.”

            1. Myrin*

              Oh, I totally believe you! I have never experienced this “I don’t see X” phenomenon myself (I might decide that the dust on that one shelf doesn’t bother me but I absolutely see that it’s there, whereas my sister will literally not register at all that there’s an open jar, its lid, and a spoon full of jam right there on the counter) so this is all very theoretical to me but I feel like the suggestions of “clean Y every Wednesday/once a fortnight/every ten days” would be really helpful and somewhat foolproof in case someone really doesn’t “see X” (of course, they would also be helpful in cases where someone just pretends they don’t see X).

            2. JSPA*

              “Making the room ready for the roomba” is another version of same. And it’s an emotionally and sociologically neutral task, as the demands come from, “this is how the robot operates.”

              (I’ve only ever had the older, more basic models… I have no idea if the newer models include cowcatchers or avoidance of dropped items.)

            3. Clisby*

              Our kids were great with that. We hired a cleaning service to come in every other week, and when my kids were still at home, all I had to say was, “It’s cleaner week” for them to get rid of all the extraneous mess in their rooms. No more clothes on the floor, anything related to school corralled on the desk, etc. It was just – the cleaners can’t clean your room if you’ve left crap all over the place, so get rid of it.

          2. Cendol*

            Yep, I can’t “see” dust. It’s like I have to toggle a setting on a camera lens to focus. But that just means I have designated times where I go, okay, now is the time to twist the dial, notice all the mess and clutter, and tidy things up. Because I don’t want my spouse to shoulder the entire burden of cleaning our home!

        3. Ellis Bell*

          I literally don’t see it! Asking people to see things they don’t see is a poor replacement for proper routines and agreement.

          1. Sloanicota*

            I wouldn’t say I literally don’t *see* it, so much as that it doesn’t hit the radar as a “problem” and I don’t remember/prioritize the maintenance-level clean-before-it’s-dirty stuff unless someone reminds me or I’m having guests over. However, I believe people who are neurodiverse when they say they literally get hyperfocus / tunnel vision and don’t notice things around them at all.

      2. bunniferous*

        Would something like Flylady work? She breaks cleaning down into zones with different areas highlighted in different weeks.

        Btw my hubby is retired for medical reasons so I do the lion’s share of stuff around here but even he will fold laundry or make me a meal without being asked. So I feel your pain on one hand and am giving your spouse the side eye with the other.

      3. Not A Manager*

        If he’s critical of gender roles and generally has good will, why not ask him how he thinks you should solve the problem? I would start by making it very clear to him that this system makes ME very unhappy, that this is not a matter of normal spousal kvetching, and that it actually undermines the relationship. Tell him that you are willing to work with any number of systems, but that he *must* figure out a way to pull his weight.

        Once he’s really listening, have a list of what “pulling his weight” means. Not a list of chores, a list of behaviors. Would it be pulling his weight if you ordered him around every Saturday and he grudgingly did what you said? Probably not, so one part of “pulling his weight” is a reasonable version of knowing what to do and doing it. But maybe you would be willing to compromise on ad hoc chores vs. scheduled chores – he does the scheduled chores on schedule, but you agree that you have the more discerning eye for minor pickup. (Or not, if that bugs you.)

        Don’t allow him to explain why he “can’t” do it or why it’s not important to him. Tell him that you know that your happiness is important to him and that’s why this needs to matter. Be respectful of whatever he suggests so long as it meets your criteria. Then agree on a trial period for whatever he suggests, and a metric for deciding whether it actually worked.

        Two things tend to happen in my relationship when these kinds of issues arise. First, it usually digs up some other issue or resentment that my spouse has. It’s been important for me to learn to listen to whatever underlying thing he has going on, and to try to model the kind of consideration and thoughtfulness that I’d like back from him. Second (and I don’t love this but it’s true), my spouse doesn’t always believe that something is important to me just because I say it. Sometimes I have to telegraph how I feel by speaking angrily, crying, or making a gesture like refusing to “pull my weight” if he won’t pull his weight. I don’t do this as theater – which would be manipulative and he would rightly see that – but I do find that I can *say* something several times, but he doesn’t *hear* it until I’ve reached some kind of breaking point. We’re working on that, but if that’s the case in your relationship, you might need to have a bit of a raised voice conversation before you can have the quiet voiced one.

      5. Jay (no, the other one)*

        Rereading this I think I missed the “critical of gender roles” piece. Honestly that would make me breathe fire. If you’re critical of gender roles while allowing the woman in a hetero household to do all the household stuff, you are all hat and no cattle, my friend.

        My husband is also openly critical of gender roles and usually walks his talk. When our kid was little, though, I got very tired of listening to him talk about how wonderfully family-friendly and flexible his job was and finally asked him why, if that was true, he was never able to take her to a doctor’s or dentist’s appointment and I always had to take off work to do that. Especially since I was in private medical practice so if I took off work it had a direct impact on our income, and he was working a salaried job (he’s not a doc) so that didn’t apply. To his credit, he got it. I didn’t take her to another appointment for ten years (when she hit puberty and decided she didn’t want Dad to take her to the doctor).

    7. LittleBabyDamien*

      When you are making lists or dividing up chores, include things like ‘listing chores’ ‘keeping track of what is done/needs doing’ ‘deciding on what to cook for supper’ ‘remembering to buy cleaning supplies’ ‘other emotional labour such as reminding’ ‘social obligation admin work’. If he is leaving all of that up to you, it would be reasonable to include that as part of your basket of chores.

    8. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      With my husband, it’s legit executive dysfunction. After almost ten years of trial and error, where we’ve landed is, he has a specific list of things that are exclusively his responsibility and a whiteboard in the kitchen, and literally anything I write on the whiteboard becomes his responsibility to do, no complaining. So on the one hand, I take on the “assigning chores” item on the list, but on the other hand, anything I don’t want to do goes on his list :-P it ends up a fairly even split, with me doing more of the day to day and him doing more large-ish project type things, but it works for us for the most part. He still has some issues with getting his specific list sorted timely, but we’re working on that.

      Also, if you look for the article something to the effect of “my wife left me because I left a dish by the sink” that might open up some discussion – it did for us. I’ll try to find it again and put a link in a reply.

      2. Just a different redhead*

        Yeah, I think my husband and I are both a bit exec-dampened in different ways. We read a communication-oriented book early in our marriage that pointed out it was ok if we had to ask each other to do, see, or say stuff we wanted done, seen, or said, and honestly that helped a lot.
        So how chore- or cleaning-type stuff goes is – we discussed the essentials and divvied a few of them slowly over time, asking each of us to make small habits over time, like make sure peanut-butter knives get wiped with a dry napkin, not rinsed with water; keep tabs on y place, and when x stuff is there, it’s time for z task which is designated for one of us. If the other of us is dissatisfied with the time it’s taking to notice or do, it’s fine to ask with a deadline (please do it by tomorrow night).
        The rest goes ad-hoc, I do usually make decisions as to what needs to be done, but I can ask him to do any particular thing. I have also let go some of the “it must be done x way!” that my brain throws at me, and it gets done fine. If there’s something specific that really must be done x way, I can explain it or reserve that piece for myself and it’s still fine in the end.
        Towards the beginning we really did start small and kind of doing something together or doing it alone and afterwards pointing out the aspects of whatever had been done by one of us that each of us did (or didn’t) notice went a good way towards letting us each know what we had to pay extra attention to in order to fulfill our mutual expectations.
        I hope this is at least a tiny bit helpful, but moreso I hope you get some reprieve while retaining the aspects you find positive : )

        1. Clisby*

          Peanut butter knives get wiped with a dry napkin? I’m wildly curious about why that would be. (Not that it negates your points – it’s just … not anything I’ve heard of before.)

    9. PX*

      Yeah, as others have said, this is kind of bullshit. The way I’d go about it is just assigning tasks. Sure the mental load is still yours, but at least it frees up some of your actual time. So it would be a serious conversation of, “This matters to me, I need you to make an effort as well. I’m setting up a rota – we can do it collaboratively or I can assign you tasks – which would you prefer?”

      I like Red Readers whiteboard approach as well!

      As far as the social, RSVP to events/decorate stuff – for me thats a hard no (but because I personally dont care about things like decorating for example). So for me it would be, if you care about it, it is your responsibility to at least organize, if not actually do. As with many things in this sphere, chances are they will never make any change until there are consequences attached. Ultimately its also up to you to figure out how much this matters to you and where your line is as well.

    10. Falling Diphthong*

      I will note that my husband got loads better about this when my health took a pounding and I was physically unable to do some things. (I routinely cannot lift the kitchen garbage or the laundry.) That broke the pattern of my getting frustrated and just doing it myself–it wasn’t happening until he did it, even if I issued zero reminders.

      Also possibly relevant: The Earth revolved around the sun a few more times; our small children became larger and more independent.

    11. Ranon*

      There is a book plus set of cards called “Fair Play” by Eve Rodsky that might be a useful starting point for discussion- the idea is that each partner is fully responsible for every part of a task from concept through complete execution. The cards help facilitate the discussion of tasks as they have a bunch from physical chores through emotional labor, etc. I have friends who’ve found it to be a helpful tool.

      1. Emma*

        Came here to suggest Fair Play, and also the comic You Should have Asked by Emma. It explains the mental load.

        Fair play really is excellent. The audiobook from the library is great too. It’s practical, and has a “game” for dividing household tasks.

        1. Emma*

          Also, fair play talks about how to get on the same page as far as standard of cleanliness, etc. It truly is a great book!

          1. Emma*

            And if this doesn’t work, couples counseling. We found a great one on the psychology today website (they have a database of counselors). It took a month or two for a slot to open up, but highly highly recommend couples counseling. I also looked for one who accepted our insurance, and mentioned to her that getting it covered was important, which she was able to do. She made me the patient, I think because I have anxiety, but we both attended all appointments.

    12. Macaroni Penguin*

      Y’all need the book Fair Play by Eve Rodsky .

      The Fair Play strategy is a card game where the division of household labor is divided respectfully for all players.

      The Fair Play card game has dramatically improved (my already quite fantastic) marriage. To quote my husband, “I’m enjoying this. Everything is so clear an efficient now.”

    13. kina lillet*

      I don’t know that a come-to-Jesus conversation would work but I think it may be worth another conversation with him where you explicitly, and lovingly say: “our current housework split is untenable. I love you, but how we’re talking about it, how we handle the details of our lives, how we split the labor between us—it makes me respect you less. I don’t want that. Something needs to change.”

      I think you need to get away from the request /excuse cycle. Completely away. I think it’s poison for everyone involved because it’s not fun to be bossed around OR to have to boss around. But on the other hand—it IS satisfying to be absolved of responsibility and it IS satisfying to have control.

      So there’s a big push and pull here because I think you both want out, but also keep fueling this. He doesn’t want to be bossed (but also still doesn’t want the responsibility) so he says Don’t Boss Me but doesn’t take on more work. You don’t want to keep bossing him (but also want to keep the control and the standards of living) so you say Just Do The Work but need him to do it as you want.

      Your side is more reasonable IMO but I think you need to make some concessions unfortunately if you’re going to break this. For instance: he’s probably right that your friends won’t care if the house is spotless. If you respected him in this area (and to be clear it’s his fault that he hasn’t earned that respect) would you listen to this particular thing he’s saying as an equal and be like, yeah you’re right?

      More concretely, maybe try splitting some stuff top to bottom. I split days of cooking with my husband. I’m a better cook, but we still say, nope, half of the days I plan & cook, half you do. We used to alternate who did laundry, on a schedule we agreed on (weekly). My husband rules, but I still really value this kind of split.

      Good luck; this is so thorny and an old, old issue.

    14. Epsilon Delta*

      First, this is unfair that your husband is asking you to essentially nag him. He sounds like our 14 year old, but she’s, you know, 14.

      We have a cleaning day (Saturday) where major chores get done. Vacuuming, bathrooms, laundry, lawn, litter box deep clean. Each of the three of us has one or two of those chores and it is our job to do it. Smaller chores throughout the week are assigned to a person too, like dishes, garbage, cooking (ok that’s not a small chore but my spouse likes to do it and he isn’t working currently), but there’s more flexibility on when and who does them.

      Instead of having a standard of “when it gets dirty,” can the standard be “every X days no matter how many dishes are in the sink/how dirty the floor looks/etc”? With an obvious exception that if something is visibly gross or overflowing it gets cleaned immediately.

      1. fueled by coffee*

        Hard agree with everything posted above, and came here to say exactly this. Framing chores as “Wipe down the bathroom counters every other week” and “Run a load of laundry every Tuesday” eliminates a lot of the excuses about “not seeing the mess” or “you have higher cleanliness standards than me.” The point of many, many chores is that doing them routinely means that there will rarely be a concern-inducing level of mess (which also makes cleaning less labor-intensive!).

        Also, since you say he’s supportive in other ways, I’d also point out in part of this conversation that while he may also be tired from working all day/week and want to de-stress, you *also* work hard, are *also* tired, and would *also* value time to de-stress on the weekend. Which you can’t do if you are doing a disproportionate amount of the domestic labor.

        1. Anonymous Educator*

          The point of many, many chores is that doing them routinely means that there will rarely be a concern-inducing level of mess (which also makes cleaning less labor-intensive!)

          I wonder if he doesn’t think any car maintenance should be done (rotating tires, changing the oil, replacing spark plugs, etc.) because he doesn’t see any problems. Is he going to wait until the car breaks down in the middle of the road before doing anything about it?

          1. Clisby*

            If it’s anything like our family, neither I nor my husband does car maintenance. We just take the car (which we *might* put 5,000 miles a year on) in for periodic routine maintenance, or of course, for any emergency thing that might happen. That’s not really like routine housework.

    15. Courageous cat*

      I’ll be honest, this is the exact reason I broke up with my last boyfriend. My brother phrased it well when talking about his relationship with his wife: “anytime I see something that needs to be cleaned and I don’t do it, I am actively saying ‘I am making the person I love do this'”.

      I would probably reframe it to him as this, personally. Many men seem to have zero idea how personal and insidious this kind of thing can be.

      If nothing works, please identify your breaking point because you don’t want resentment to build up as high in you as it did in me.

    16. Ashloo*

      I’m recommending Fair Play by Eve Rodskey. She was also recently on the Financial Confessions podcast (toddler husband episode), which is a good listen.

      Then counseling and specifically bringing up all his weaponized incompetence nonsense.

    17. Hyacinth*

      My husband says he doesn’t see things and can’t find things because “there’s too much testosterone in his eyes”. I don’t fault him because I have hereditary blindness to anything more than six inches deep in the refrigerator :)

      Jokes like this help us accept our different strengths instead of getting hung up on each other’s weaknesses.

    18. Fellow+Traveller*

      I (cis female) have literally said all those bullet points to my husband. He is just a lot cleaner than I am, and to be honest, his constant cleaning is a little stressful for me. It came up once in therapy that he would rather clean than play with the kids and I would rather play with the kids than clean. He is also a “clean as you go” and I am more of a “blitz clean once a week and live in squalor until then.” I like to have a specific time to clean. He cleans constantly. I also do not mind mess.
      Anyhow… we’ve been married for almost 15 years, so I guess we’ve learned to live with this dynamic.
      One thing that has helped is to have a very specific list that gets done regardless or if it needs it or not. Two of his pet peeves are a messy foyer and a messy counter in front of his coffee maker. So every night before I go to bed, I check the foyer and the counter in front of the coffee maker and make sure it’s clean.
      He does all the laundry and will text me reminders that there is a load ready to be folded and put away. It’s the only way I know to do it. Yes, I need the reminders.
      It’s not about not wanting to do it, it’s about our minds being differently wired and each finding how to best to carry out tasks that the other finds important- he is better at doing stuff, but cannot keep track of any of the kids’ appointments or activities. He reminds me to fold the laundry, I remind him when to pick up the kid from basketball. Sometimes these things are the price of admission to an amazing ride for us.

      1. Ellis Bell*

        Oh my god, same. My male partner is so clean and sees all these random things that matter to him. Expecting me to see it is like constantly giving me a Where’s Waldo test, but Waldo is always wearing a different outfit and might not even be there… It’s not fun. I know what it’s like to do a lot more than the other person and how frustrating that is when you’re doing everything (my last relationship), but it’s not fun to be the lower standard person who’s getting beat to the punch either. I want to leave dishes in the sink waiting for me uninterrupted, and have an everyday cleanliness level for friends too! I was reading the list of complaints above and totally recognising myself, and wondering where on earth was the fire. (I would however decline the RSVPs at least, and as for Christmas decorations, my partner hates Christmas so I would love free reign to just do it). We do have a pretty good agreement on how to respect each others’ standards and live in what I think is a clean and happy home…. albeit one with minimalist Christmas decorations. I think I will start with what did not work for us:
        – Asking me to see things I can’t see. I will not see them. End of.
        – Using the word “expect”, as though anything I did not do was an unsaid expectation for him to do it. This is just a disrespectful way to put words in my mouth. I did not expect it to be done at all! Or I didn’t expect it to be done singly, right away, this instant, before the next clean up.
        – My asking him to care less, or ease up. He will not care less. End of.
        – My asking him to not do things instantly as though that was an expectation. He’s wired with this expectation internally and is always going to take care of stuff as soon as he “sees” it.
        What did work for us:
        – Naming the regularity of routines. On top of my higher tolerance and mess blindness, I’m quite short sighted. It’s helpful for him to name how often we need to dust or hoover before he sees less cobwebs. Those days became set on our routine.
        – Some policies. Rather than placing dishes in the sink, they go straight in the dishwasher. If the dishwasher is full, we empty it; but it gets emptied at a set time of day to prevent this. Usually by me because I want it clear so I don’t have to instantly wash it, either badly under the tap, or with a wasted sink of water for one dish. This isn’t feasible in the mornings so some breakfast dishes in the sink are okay. Especially since I can take care of those before he gets home.
        -Appreciating my standard of cleaning as part of the maintenance.
        -Teaching me some tricks and tips so my standard was closer to his.
        -Recognising that my newer habits are only in respect to his feelings, and have zero benefit to me, but that I am way happier when he is happy.
        -Cleaning up together. I’m far happier to do blitz cleaning than “clean as you go” and if I have busy days or stuff getting on top of me, we blast music and go at it together.
        Tldr: communicate what differences in his routines and habits you need to see. Don’t go at it one incident by one incident, asking why they didn’t see why it needed doing according to your standards.

      2. Zweisatz*

        OK, it sounds like you’re pulling your weight in the relationship. You’re still cleaning stuff regularly and especially stuff that’s important to him. Also you are still carrying a considerable mental load with the kids (him as well with the cleaning). I would say your routine is a version how it COULD be looking if OP’s partner pulled his weight – which he isn’t.

    19. WestsideStory*

      I’ve just had this all day today. There are literally piles of stuff on the sofa and his desk I never get to because kitchen/bathroom cleanliness and pet care are a priority to me, and there are only so many hours in a day. The piles have been there for a month. The Christmas tree arrived yesterday and I will be expected to decorate it fully all by myself.

      Where is he at this moment? “Taking a walk.” Where am I? Taking a break before scrubbing the tub and washing the floors.

      I don’t want to lose this man, he has many fine qualities but he does have some vision problems so he really doesn’t see dirt, and he is a pack rat. But he has a penchant for getting the vapors whenever there is a chore I need help with, or needs a ladder and two people. And he’s always too tired to help even when it’s something as simple as washing dishes or putting away laundry. (fyi in our old apartment I did have a cleaner biweekly – the new downsized apartment is to small to justify help).

      Part of it is his upbringing – mom never let him lift a finger. Part is an actual resentment because I am retiring early and he is not. But I don’t want to be the nagging person!! I just want a clean house!

      So while I am quietly seething in solidarity with you, I’m hoping to find some answers here as well…I may try the whiteboard.

      1. fposte*

        Some mothers really commit: my doctor had her MIL living with her and her husband. And his mother would handle his household responsibilities for him. My doctor wasn’t super-pleased about that arrangement, as it meant he had free time the moment he left work while she still had half the household duties to complete.

        1. Inkhorn*

          Reminds me of a former supervisor who spent work time on the phone organising job applications for her 22-year-old Master’s student son. Her explanation was that she was raised to treat the men of the house like royalty and “my mum would haunt me if I didn’t”. (It took a lot of self-control not to reply “Mine would haunt me if I did.”)

          Son’s plan post-Master’s was to get his PhD at MIT. I was always hugely sceptical as to the likelihood of that happening because how would the pampered little pet survive half a world away from his mummy?

    20. Foreign Octopus*

      I really recommend this video from The Financial Diet that talks about this exact problem. Chelsea’s in conversation with Eve Rothsdun (I think that’s her name) and there are links to the Fair Play website that has a lot of free stuff on it. Good luck to you!

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u6FfxfRMQkw

    21. MaryLoo*

      He doesn’t think you are serious, and doesn’t care that the mess bothers you. And he knows if he continues to do nothing, you will do it. So you need to stop.

      Does he do his own laundry? If not, tell him he needs to from now on. Get 2 hampers. Keep your own towels separate. When he runs out of clothes he’ll figure it out.

      Don fall for weaponized incompetence. “I’m sorry I ruined your good cashmere sweater, it’s because you’re better at laundry”. Keeping laundry separate solves this.

      If he doesn’t see dirty dishes on the table or in the sink, don’t wash them. Leave them until you run out. Tell him “ I can’t cook supper because all the pans are dirty and the counters are full of stuff so there’s no room to work.” If you’re hungry, make yourself a sandwich.

      When you come home from work, sit on the couch reading a book and tell him to call you when dinner is ready.

      He won’t change until he sees you’re serious, and he won’t see it until you stop doing stuff.

      Chore charts won’t work, he will just ignore them.

      And I’ll bet you a quarter his mommy did all the house duties while his daddy sat watching tv.

    22. Generic+Name*

      All of the things that your partner says applies to my husband. The big difference is that I don’t resent him and I am generally happy with how things are divided up. Here are the things that my husband does that makes my happy with the relationship and generally ok with me doing most of the cleaning:

      -he is very intuitive and very emotionally supportive
      -our sex life is good (I know this sounds weird, but if he were selfish in bed, I would feel more resentful of other things I feel he isn’t doing)
      -he takes care of 100% of the yard work
      -he takes care of 100% of the vegetable garden in the summer
      -he shovels the driveway in the winter
      -he fixes 100% of the things that break in the house (like replacing the garbage disposal or replacing broken door handles)
      -he does major home improvements like rebuilding the deck and replacing doors and windows
      -he cleans up when I cook and I clean up when he cooks
      -when I ask him to do something, he always does it without complaint

      He takes care of a ton of stuff, and I notice a real difference if he is traveling and I’m at home holding down the fort by myself. My husband makes my life easier and more enjoyable. I contrast that with when my ex husband moved out. My life was suddenly easier and I didn’t notice any difference in my day to day responsibilities because I had been doing 99% of the work already. I’m not saying that divorce is the answer. I divorced my ex primarily for other reasons.

      I feel like my husband and I have a very traditional breakdown of household responsibilities, and that doesn’t bother me. I typically don’t mind asking him to do stuff because he always does it. Yeah, it would be better if he did things without being asked, but on balance, I’m happy with how things are divided out. If asked, does your spouse do the chore, or does he make excuses or act defensive?

      1. Generic+Name*

        Thinking on this more, I think the “feminist ideal” of everything in a household being split straight down the middle is unrealistic for many couples. Not everyone is equally good at all chores or equally enjoys/hates doing them. For example, I hate vacuuming but my husband doesn’t mind it, so he does more of the vacuuming. Yes, I do ask him to vacuum, and I’ve decided I’d rather ask and have him do it than do it all myself or seethe with resentment he isn’t vacuuming as often as I think it should be done. Again, I’m not saying this is what’s going on in your relationship, but it’s something to examine further.

        1. fueled by coffee*

          I remember reading a study once in a college sociology class about how in hetero couples, even when men do some of the chores, they often take on the “once in a while” chores like mowing the lawn or shoveling the driveway, while women tend to take on the constant chores like laundry and cooking/washing dishes. The men feel like they’re contributing to an equal division of labor, while the women feel like they never get a break from the household chores. In same-sex couples, division of labor is much more equal in terms of actual time spent on chores, but gay men are more likely to divide tasks by task (“You do the laundry and I’ll clean the bathroom” and so on), while women are more likely to split each task in half (“We’ll switch off who does the laundry each week”).

          I think either system is fine (not everyone needs to do every task!), but if one or the other partner is *unhappy* with the way tasks are divided, it’s worth investigating whether there is still an unequal distribution of labor, AND whether there’s a mismatch in perceptions of just how much labor each partner is doing.

          1. Ask a Manager* Post author

            Was it from Arlie Hochschild? She has fascinating stuff on this. I remember in her book The Second Shift (about gendered division of labor in marriages), she interviewed a husband who was sure he did 50% of the work and when she asked him to list out what he did, he just said, “I make all the pies.”

            Also, I had a long conversation about this with our foster care social worker when we started fostering because I saw some significant gendered divisions in the way my husband and I were handling fostering-related responsibilities, and she said she sees it in EVERY foster family she works with, no exceptions. (I asked about gay couples but she didn’t have data on them.) It’s so disheartening.

            ALSO, there’s a really interesting Anne Helen Petersen piece on this:

            https://annehelen.substack.com/p/what-to-actually-do-about-an-unequal

            1. fueled by coffee*

              Good question – possibly? (This was about a decade ago at this point!). I know Kathleen Gerson has also written about this, though I don’t remember if she or another sociologist had the data on gay couples (which I remember because it was used as the evidence for why taking on a fair share of the housework isn’t something “innate” about women, nor is it something that “naturally” happens to all couples – it’s a dynamic that’s fairly specific to women’s relationships with men).

              A google search just now gave me several recent articles on gay couples (like this one: https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20210309-why-lgbtq-couples-split-household-tasks-more-equally), all of which came out after I finished college, so I’m not sure on the original source!

      2. WestsideStory*

        Sounds like you’ve got a keeper there.

        My spouse does not know how to do yard work, can’t fix anything, and there is no outdoors here so snow removal/related maintenance isn’t required. He still sends all his clothes out to laundry and his cooking skills are minimal – and rarely used. For some reason I am the only person who can change the ink in the printer.

        Is this weaponized incompetence?

        Note to future generations: please teach more life skills.

        1. Zweisatz*

          I mean there’s YouTube. For an adult who is physically and mentally able to do the task “I do not know how” isn’t really an excuse for anything that can be learned with a 10-minute Youtube Video (and I have executive dysfunction myself so let’s not go down that road).

          By the way for weaponized incompetence you can tell him how to do it while you stand by (but never ever take the task over even if he’s slow/the result not 100 % up to your standards).

    23. E*

      Hi OP, I’m sorry if this is a repeat as I didn’t read thoroughly all the suggestions so far. Wanted to offer a few things things I didn’t see in my quick scroll:
      1) for the bigger tasks like sweeping, dusting, bathroom cleaning etc– schedule cleaning time and do it together. Making a list for my partner does NOT work and anyway makes me feel like his teacher. We do it together with X frequency (weekly, monthly, whatever the chore and your space/tolerance require). It’s on the calendar. We put on music, sometimes smoke pot, whatever makes it more fun and less of a chore. We schedule the next session when we wrap up that day’s work.
      2) for daily tasks, we divvy up the household chores for daily tasks (he does dishes, i do laundry and most of cooking). If he can’t “see” stuff, maybe he does the stuff that has to happen routinely and requires no observation — doing the dishes after dinner and wiping down all the counters, but you do the ad hoc stuff that requires observation?
      3) this is from Carolyn hax (maybe she borrows from others?) — when it comes to equitably divvying up the chores, if you are the one doing all the planning/directing, that effort counts as part of your division of labor. So he has to do more of the grunt work to compensate for your mental/emotional labor

      Good luck!

    25. Wilde*

      I can tell you what hasn’t helped in my marriage.

      Me, a cis female, yelling at my cis male husband, “you’re 32! A grown man! A grown man who regularly teaches himself new coding languages! You can teach yourself new things! You can teach yourself to see mess!”

      YMMV, obvs.

      1. PsychNurse*

        Oh too bad, I was gonna try that next.

        What hasn’t worked in my marriage: Passive-aggressively asking “So are you ever going to take that trash out or just leave it there until we live in filth?” and making snide comments to our son (“Sorry I can’t play right now; I have to clean this up; your dad preferred to ignore it like he always does.”)

    26. Reba*

      re: “our friends won’t care,” I actually can remember trying this one on my mom when I was around 11. :D (also, they may not care about mess but EYE care about them!)

      Just agreeing with others that setting a schedule to be kept (more so than a standard to be met) for tasks has brought more peace to my household.

      One of the early classics of feminist writing was Pat Mainardi’s “The Politics of Housework” from 1970. Yes, 1970. She skewers all the excuses. It is incredible how little the excuses have changed in decades.

    27. sswj*

      I don’t have much to offer because I’m pretty much in the same boat. What REALLY opened my eyes though was when my husband was very seriously injured a few years back, and was hospitalized for two months and then recuperating at home for another several months. I of course had many offers of help from friends to come and help me get stuff done. I realized that I didn’t actually *need* help because my routine changed NOT AT ALL, except for adding hospital visits and insurance wrangling to the mix. Seriously, I had zero added to my plate beyond the immediate medical stuff.

      The upshot of this was though that I had a wake up call about my own safety net, and I determined to get a “real” job. I’d been working at home for our own small (and nearly defunct, by choice) business. At the high end of 50 I realized that if he had died I would be in a world of difficulty since I had not much recognizable as useful skill on my resume. So I got a job, and part time morphed into full time and supervisory. Now that I’m not home 40 hrs a week, there’s a lot that doesn’t get done if he doesn’t do it. I no longer do his laundry, clean his bathroom or his office. If he wants certain foods, he buys it, and (mostly from his own dietary choices) he is feeding himself 90% of the time.

      I still do the larger chunk of everything, but at last he IS making an effort to do his part. I’ve tried hard to let go of some things, like:
      -if the covers are pulled up on the bed vs a really neatly made bed, that’s better than nothing. It at least keeps sandy cat feet off the sheets!
      -If the dishes are haphazardly in the dishwasher, at least they are IN the dishwasher

      It’s not perfect, but it is definitely better.

      1. PsychNurse*

        This is going to sound morbid. But. I read something a while back that said when a husband dies, the wife often gets a gentle “consolation prize” when she realizes that her responsibilities have not changed at all. She continues taking care of things and where she might have previously thought “I can’t survive without him,” she realizes that in fact, she can. Men, on the other hand, are often 100% blindsided when their wife dies. They had previously thought of themselves as the bread-winner, the leader, the person getting stuff done. Then when they are widowed, they realize they actually have no idea how to do most of the daily things that need to be done (in my family’s case, this includes things like “pay income tax” and “report an electrical outage”).

        2. ThatGirl*

          My husband is actually very good, overall, with cleaning – he cleans up after dinner, puts away leftovers, wipes the table and counter. He is responsible for the bathrooms and frequently empties the recycling. He is fully capable of doing the laundry and we usually share that. I still do more of the daily stuff but some of that is by choice.

          But if he died, I’d mostly have to add on a couple weekly chores. If I died, he’d have to take over bill paying, dinner prep, grocery buying, tax prep…

          1. Clisby*

            This is an interesting way to look at it. If I died, my husband would have to take over bill paying, grocery buying, figuring out who to call for maintenance issues he can’t handle, and getting tax stuff ready for our CPA.

            If he died, I’d have to take over minor home repairs, yard work, and trouble-shooting computer equipment/WiFi.

            None of that is any big deal for either of us.

            1. Clisby*

              Oh, I forgot – I’d have to take over garbage/recycling duty. And since my husband hates grocery shopping, I’m guessing he’d figure out Instacart pretty quickly.

          2. MeepMeep123*

            Hmm, that’s interesting. I think that if my wife died, I’d have to take on the cooking and kitchen cleanup, and basically be OK. I lived alone for years before I got married, and while I’m not a great cook, I did OK for myself.

            If I died, my wife would be living in a hoarder-house nightmare within a month.

            1. Clisby*

              Aside from missing me, my husband would be OK. He was about 35 when he met me, and had always lived by himself once he got out of college, so he wasn’t helpless. Plus, he was the 2nd of 7 kids, so he knew plenty about cooking/kitchen cleanup. And baby care, which came in handy when we had our 2 kids.

        3. Generic+Name*

          Frankly, I think this is why men often remarry quickly after divorce or death and women often end up saying “no thanks” to remarriage.

    28. just another queer reader*

      I am a messy person in a lesbian relationship! After a number of conversations, my partner and I have divided up responsibility for laundry, bills, etc. Our house is still messy but we can live with it.

      I’m as guilty as anyone of avoiding housework (and often feeling intense guilt about it), but it sounds like your bf isn’t even trying. Honestly that attitude sucks! If he can commit to TRYING at a chore chart you might have some hope. Good luck.

      1. Sloanicota*

        Yeah, I’m a female slob and I definitely have a lot of Feelings about it, but my one hope for ever changing is that I don’t tend to just assume a woman is going to take care of it for me! Or that it’s just my nature as a certain gender to be a slob and that’s how it always is! I assume I’m going to have to figure out some fair and equitable way to approach it, that will probably involve me struggling to learn better habits!

    29. MeepMeep123*

      I’m married to a woman and I feel your pain. My wife is exactly like this. She “doesn’t see” messes, she doesn’t care if things are out of place, and she’s “too tired from work” and can’t possibly do this.

      What worked for us is compartmentalizing “my tasks” and “her tasks”. One thing she happily does is anything to do with food – so anything to do with groceries, cooking, or dishes is her job. I don’t lift a finger to help with any of it. She also happily handles the bills and finance-type things. My tasks are the laundry, all the cleaning that’s not in the kitchen (she cleans the kitchen herself), and tidying and putting things away. It took us a lot of conversations and negotiation to get to this point, but I do honestly think that things are fairly well-balanced at this point, and she is a much better cook than I am and much more organized about financial things than I am. And this way, I don’t have to nag her or supervise her work or be in any way involved in the minutiae of it.

    30. Can’tAffordACleaner*

      This has turned into some very interesting discussions! Thanks again, everyone. I’ve enjoyed reading some of the articles and reading about Fair Play. It’s also been helpful to hear from people who share my partner’s experience, and what has worked for you.
      I think the framing of “He doesn’t care about your needs” (or variations thereof) isn’t helpful and is somewhat manipulative; it’s a rewording of “If you loved me you would X” and it’s simply not true. If he wanted the floors vacuumed and mopped daily I’d oppose that, and it wouldn’t be because I’m just happy to treat him like a servant. Also, for clarity, I don’t resent him, and it’s not that he doesn’t ever clean. Sometimes I can ask him to vacuum or clean the bathroom or whatever and he’ll do it.
      The issue is a vast gap in our standards around when things should be cleaned and to what extent, with his standards being lower than most people’s, and him unwilling to acknowledge that they are (many of his friends have commented how much he’s improved since we moved together because they also saw The Before. And he has improved, but the gap is still enormous). So far it sounds like a roster is our best bet. I may or may not report back in the future!

  15. WoodswomanWrites, diving into digitizing lots of paper documents*

    Paper has been my nemesis for as long as I can remember. It doesn’t matter how organized the rest of my home space is–inevitably the paper piles up on my desk or if I’m having a houseguest, it ends up in a paper bag hidden in the closet to eventually be sorted which turns out to be far into the future. Back in the olden days, a friend set up a filing system for me but now that is just a cabinet full of old paper. Plus I want to get rid of the ugly file cabinet that’s too big for the small space I’ve crammed it into for years.

    I’ve got all the needed tech at home to start digitizing things. Although I’m disorganized with paper files, I’m actually quite organized with my computer folders. As much as I want this stuff to go away, I find the process of digitizing to be daunting. Any suggestions for getting started and overall making the process easier?

    1. Kate, short for Bob*

      As with anything that only requires some of your attention and takes a while, binge-watching takes the sting out. Or audio books – but I personally find it easier to dip my attention in and out to TV as there’s visual clues to catch you back up too.

      1. Girasol*

        Yes, this! I scanned our whole photo collection one blustery Christmas season, thousands of photos. Scanner on a footstool, stack of albums on the side, laptop in lap in the TV chair. It took a lot of movies and a good few episodes of Great British Baking Show too but the results are so worth it.

    2. JSPA*

      90% of it has likely become recycling, no? So the first 5 or 6 passes are triage (quinquage?):

      “oops, pressing!”
      “important to keep but not pressing”
      “Sort later / back in a bag”
      “has certainly become recycling” and
      “probably recycling, first have to check X, and I’m writing on it what X is, in bold marker (this may be, ‘needs shredding’ or ‘check I have a more recent version’ or whatever).”

      Start by skimming the old files to remember what’s there; recycle as you go. Make a duplicate folder as needed, add dates to old and new.

      Then start with any two or three bags, on the quinquage.

      The important items go (for now) in the space you’ve cleared in the physical files.

      The pressing stuff goes where you MUST deal with it (but don’t stop and do it yet).

      The recycling goes in recycling.

      The stuff to check determines when you’ve done a reasonable quantum.

      At that point, “back in bag” goes back in a new bag, with a note you did partial triage on [today’s date]. Anything not yet triaged gets combined in one of the original bags.

      Then you get a separate session of dealing with the pressing stuff, and one of dealing with the almost recyclables.

      Next day, same again. Don’t go to the “sort later”– you know its been mined for the most precious stuff and culled of the recyclables.

      Digitizing anything except, say, current recepts for tax purposes tends to be a distracting time suck, unless you do it AFTER all the 5-part triage.

    3. Lady Alys*

      I use a program called File Juggler (for Windows; I think Hazel for Macs does the same thing?) that reads the file name of new documents arriving in its “inbox” folder and moves them according to rules you set up. So all my insurance papers go to the insurance folder, medical to medical, bills to service-provider folder, etc, without me touching them once I’ve scanned and named them. It’s fun to watch the file sit there in the inbox for a few seconds and then *poof* vanish!

      A good sheet-fed scanner helps tremendously, as well. I have a Fujitsu ScanSnap and it has helped me get rid of several filing cabinets worth of paper.

    4. Glomarization, Esq.*

      Touch paper once. Put incoming mail in one designated place, and do your paper processing once a week, all at once. Like actually put in your calendar, one evening or weekend morning every week, an entry for paper processing, and commit to sticking to it. Anything you need for paper processing — bill paying computer, checkbook and stamps, filing cabinet, shredder, etc. — should be in one single location, so that you don’t accidentally generate a pile of “I’ll put that away later.”

      Reduce the amount of paper coming in. At this point our household has only one regular thing that comes in on paper, as opposed to e-billing or direct deposit. Every household is different, of course, so what I mean is that you might go through all your bills and other regular transactions, and move as many as you possibly can to electronic handling.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        I agree on making the shredding (and all else) as easy as possible for yourself. Get yourself a strong professional shredder for businesses that has a vigorous enough motor that it doesn’t burn out while you’re on a shredding roll. One of my barriers previously was that just as soon as I was getting really into the task of shredding, the motor would overheat and I’d have to stop and then forget to re-start.

    5. fposte*

      I break it up into chunks by category, no matter whether I’m scanning personal papers or family photos. I do an easy triage before scanning but also find that scanning can sharpen my sense of whether this needs to be stored. But if I’m still on the fence, I just go ahead and scan an item if I’m not sure; that’s a lot faster than angsting about whether or not I need to keep a record of it.

    7. I don't mean to be rude, I'm just good at it.*

      My documents folder has a subfolder named “Receipts 2022 (2021, 2020, etc). Inside this folder has many subfolders with utility names, store names, warranty etc….. I take 15 minutes a couple times a week scanning and filing. Every scanned document has a detailed name… Electric bill 12/2022… Air fryer warrantee expires 12-11-2024. It scares me to realize I have 20+ years of paper on an external hard drive.

  16. Poinsettia Flames*

    What should I wear to my first appointment at a chiropractor? It’ll be a general check-up and I have several body parts I want him to look at (foot, hip, back).

    1. LittleBabyDamien*

      Some type of active or athletic wear. Leggings, shorts or yoga pant type bottoms, tshirt. Light weight sports bra, if you wear bras. Shoes that are easy to slip off and back on. I prefer warmer socks if the weather is not hot. Think simple, thin single layer.

    2. Ins Mom*

      Anything, really! Some will give you a hospital top to change into, some work over top of your bulky clothes, some over top of your T-shirt and ask you to remove your fleece jacket. Also keep in mind there are various techniques, my current DC is most gentle and I’ve had wonderful results with four different types over 50 years.

    3. PsychNurse*

      I thought this said “What should I wear to my first appointment AS a chiropractor” and I had a chuckle wondering why you didn’t already know what to wear.

  17. The Prettiest Curse*

    What are the best and worst gifts that you’ve ever received? One of my worst was from my sister – she’s generally pretty good with gifts, but one year for Christmas she got me a tea towel featuring a picture of the Queen. I’m not a fan of the monarchy and had recently asked her not to buy me any more tea towels. (They were her default gift for me when we were living abroad because they’re easy to send.) The tea towel caused us to have a rare argument … and then it mysteriously went missing during our move back to the UK.

    The best gift I’ve received recently is that my husband rented out a (small) cinema screen just for us to see a film on my birthday this year. I haven’t seen many films on the big screen since March 2020, so it was a real treat.

    1. UKDancer*

      Worst were probably some of the things my aunt gave me as she got older. She was a wealthy woman so money was no issue; but her gifts became increasingly cheap and peculiar as her Alzheimer’s advanced. These included a bottle of supermarket own brand body lotion, a single plastic tupperware (used and unclean) and on another occasion a secondhand book about car maintenance (I didn’t have a car).

      Best gift was probably the trip my parents took me on for my 30th. We went to Norway and visited the Arctic circle and had a chance to drive husky-pulled sleighs then took the post boat back down the coast through the fjords. I think that was my best present ever.

    2. Anne Kaffeekanne*

      Worst presents are all the candles people got me when I was a teenager – I am afraid of fire due to a traumatic incident in kindergarten to the point that until last year (I am 30) I had never so much as lit a tea light. This was absolutely common knowledge among my family/friends and yet I still kept getting candles.

      Best one hands down was my cat – she was born in our home and I (13 at the time) was in love from day one but my parents kept telling me we wouldn’t keep her no matter how much I begged because we already had 3 cats. And then for my 14th birthday there was a picture of her with a little bow around it on the table. My soul cat, to this day.

      1. Cookies for Breakfast*

        This is lovely! I have a similar cat story, also from when I was 13.

        My mother always claimed to dislike cats, prefer dogs, and not want any pets. One of my classmates at the time had a cat that was always pregnant, so I tried, and failed, to get my mother to accept a kitten multiple times. I still wonder what changed her mind. Was my plea that my friend really didn’t know who else to turn to particularly effective? Did she think me responsible enough to care for an animal? I’ll probably never know.

        I consider that kitten the best gift my mother gave me, because she was my companion and my joy at a time when friends in my life were scarce. The cat lived to 18 years old, and whenever I tell this story, people ask how my mother got along with her all that time. Very well, I’d say – it might have taken her time to come around, but within months, she loved her just as much as I did.

        2. Anne Kaffeekanne*

          Oh what a great story! Glad to hear your mom came around on the joy of living with a cat.

          I grew up with mine – she got me through my worst teenage angst and heartbreak, and while she didn’t move out with me, whenever I visit my parents she still sleeps on the guest bed with me, no matter how many months it’s been since I was last there.

          1. Cookies For Breakfast*

            This is just the sweetest thing. May you have lots more years together!

            I was glad my parents got to have our cat around for a few years after I moved out. My mother kept saying she appreciated the company, and I’m sure having her around reminded her of times spent with me. I wish they’d get another now, because I know it would bring them much joy, but totally understand why they don’t.

    3. I heart Paul Buchman*

      Ok, I gotta bite. Why did you fight about the tea towel? As opposed to regifting, donating or throwing away? Is there a secret insult in a monarchist tea towel?

      Worst would be my lovely grandma who went slightly forgetful in her old age. She obviously valued punch bowl sets, with the glasses that hang around the rim, because she gave me three of them in the space of about 12 months. Bless her.

      Best was a print from my favourite cartoonist for my 40th. Love it.

      1. UKDancer*

        I would imagine because Perfect Curse had expressly said she didn’t want any more tea towels to her sister and sister had demonstrated (by getting her a tea towel) that she hadn’t paid any attention. The monarchist bit was probably adding insult to injury. In my experience you either like things with her Maj’s face on or you don’t. Personally, I don’t.

      2. The Prettiest Curse*

        Mostly, it was “why did you get me another frickin’ tea towel when I specifically asked you not to and you also know that I don’t care for the royal family?” Her answer was that 1. She didn’t read my email till after she’d bought the tea towel and just decided to give it to me anyway because it was non-returnable (it was not even an expensive tea towel!) and
        2. She thought I’d like a reminder of the UK while I was living abroad – no idea why she thought I’d want to be reminded of the royal family since she knows I’d gladly abolish the whole thing. (We then proceeded to fight about some other things too, but we made up and both find The Tea Towel Incident funny now.)

        And I did eventually give the tea towel to a charity shop! But if anyone ever asks, it got lost in the international move. ;)

    4. Applesauced*

      In college, my sister suggested we do some last minute Christmas shopping at the mall, and when we got there it turns out she made an appointment for my to have my eyebrows waxed.
      I had never asked for or expressed interest in having that done.

      1. UKDancer*

        Ouch that’s a bit intimate. Eyebrow hair removal preferences are very personal. I can’t stand having mine threaded (pain threshold wise) and I’ve a friend who has a bad reaction to wax but prefers threading. I’ve given people vouchers for spa treatments before giving them a choice of what to book at a spa I know they like, but I’d never dream of actually booking an appointment for something unless I knew for definite it was something someone wanted.

      2. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Ooh, I had that happen to me with a hair cut and dye. Someone couldn’t stand my rumpled look (essentially, girl Columbo) and wanted to give me a professional makeover. The cut and dye were fine, and it was a generous gift and went through with it, but honestly, that was all about the giver’s wanting to “fix” me.

      3. NoGiftsPlease*

        My dad a few years ago gave me a voucher for Christmas – a bit more generically for a waxing etc place maybe 15 by car from his house. Never been in any such place in my life, Def never mentioned to him anything about it. And… I live in another country, visit him a few times a year but I usually spend time while in that country at my partner place, 1h + away by car (and I don’t have a car there). So while the ‘why I would want this’ was unclear, the ‘how would I use it’ was so out there that was infuriating (I would have needed my partner to drive me there on purpose and wait around, wasting an afternoon, one of the few weekends a year I get with him? For something I don’t care at all?.Out of question). To be fair I have gift-related trauma from my mother being forgetful / terrible at it. Do I want presents? No, but if you give me something that shows you don’t know me at all, that triggers me big time.

    5. Cookies for Breakfast*

      My older family members and I have different takes on gifting. They insist that a gift has to be a physical object, while I’m not big on owning “stuff”: I’d rather go for an experience, like a hobby class or a special meal for us all to enjoy together. They just don’t see that as an acceptable present. So, I often get gifts that I have no use for and are miles away from anything I like (recent examples: a sporty wool jacket that couldn’t be farther from my style; a book of comics from an author I said was vaguely funny exactly once, but don’t really follow). There’s no amount of “I really mean it please don’t get me anything” or “I could use a voucher from X” that will fix this. Also, I have a couple mainstream hobbies that I’m very vocal about and would be straightforward to buy for, but for some reason, they never consider those.

      Best surprise gift I got: a large wrapped-up box that, once opened, turned out to be full of all sorts of small / medium-sized baking utensils (some of which I didn’t even know existed). I got it from my mother in my early twenties, when I was just starting out with baking, and had lots of fun trying everything out. Also very meaningful because my mum doesn’t bake, so she’d have had to take a good look at what someone who enjoys baking might need. Some of that stuff followed me in my move to the country I live in now, some is still with her though I plan to take (steal?) it back when baggage allowance permits.

      Otherwise, I can think of a lot of gifts I loved because I had a specific answer at the exact time someone asked what I wanted. Usually small but useful stuff, like a cookbook stand from my partner a couple of years ago. But I usually prefer it when there’s a surprise factor.

    6. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I like moose. I feel like anyone who has ever said “I like (animal)” has ended up in this same boat, where people who want to pretend to be thoughtful but really aren’t just get you anything they come across that has that animal, without considering whether you actually would like or have any use for the thing.

      My ex-in-laws straight up said, at various points, “Oh, Red’s so easy to shop for, we just grab anything that has a moose on it and we’re good!” Four times in three years, I got from them the same bobblehead redneck moose, holding a beer (I don’t drink beer) and dressed for hunting (I don’t hunt) and to be blunt, this was the ugliest jank-ass plastic moose I have ever seen. And they gave it to me four times in three years.

      1. Sloanicota*

        Honestly as someone who’s hard to shop for, I’ve often thought I need to start a collection of moose or something just so that people can feel good about giving me a gift and we can all move on. Maybe I can say decorative tea towels are my passion or something.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          I like cute moose! Just … partly the jank-ass moose they picked out, and partly that they straight up SAID “We just get anything with a moose on it and that’s it,” no even pretending to put in any thought, just … meh :)

        2. Dark Macadamia*

          I know a lot of teachers who specifically have a gimmick like this to avoid getting 20 mugs for teacher appreciation every year, lol. If you have a cow collection or space themed decor or whatever in your classroom you can just keep adding to it, and kids think it’s cool/feel like they know you better

        3. The Prettiest Curse*

          Take it from me, tea towels as a gift can get old. ;) Though at least they don’t take up a huge amount of space!

      2. The Prettiest Curse*

        Oh no! Yeah, sometimes people get fixated on a certain gift-giving theme for specific people and then just keep on going with that theme for years. I was really into horse stuff when I was younger and kept getting horse-related gifts from people years after I’d lost interest.

        1. fposte*

          I have a sibling who decided that, because I have an art piece featuring a certain animal, I’m super into that animal. I’m not; it’s the art I like. But it’s been their giving theme for about four years now. It’s not a problem, since they give cheerfully and with low expectations, but it’s really funny to be periodically reminded that they think I’m obsessed with this animal that I never even bother to talk about.

      3. WellRed*

        I once darted someone who’s mother kept telling everyone, “oh he collects Bugs Bunny”(or similar character). He finally said, “I don’t collect BB, I collect BB stuff you give me!”

      4. I need coffee before I can make coffee*

        Sometimes you cannot escape the themed gift. A friend, “M”, used to like a particular item and had a lot of them as decorations, etc. After many years, she decided to move on from that and donated a bunch of them to the church yard sale. Someone saw them and, not knowing who donated them, said “oh, “M” loves these!”, bought them all and gave them back to her.

        5. I need coffee before I can make coffee*

          She laughed about and figured at least the church got some money. She did eventually put the word out “hey, I don’t collect that thing anymore; please don’t give them to me, thanks!”

        6. Why no, I don't collect horses.....*

          This is why I NEVER TELL anyone that I collect anything. Friends of mine had this happen with Hummels, birdhouses, etc…
          The few things I ‘collect’ can only be chosen by me. I don’t want a ton of junk that fits a theme. And sometimes I change my mind and stop collecting and decide my collection is complete cause I’m out of room to display. Or what I liked at 25 is SO different than what I like at 55.

      5. The OG Sleepless*

        My family had a dairy farm, where we raised Holstein cows (the black and white ones in the Chick Fil A commercials). Remember the early 90s when cow-themed kitsch was trendy? Yeah, me too. I got so many cow-themed gifts from people who were really proud of themselves for being so clever. I happen to hate country-themed kitsch, and cow themed stuff doesn’t look enough like the real animals to spark any joy.

      6. Firebird*

        My son is sick of penguins. Yet every time I see anything with a penguin, it triggers the urge to buy it for him.

        He was really happy about penguins when he was five and I think I somehow hardwired my brain to associate my son’s joy with penguins. I don’t buy them anymore, but it’s a tough urge to fight.

        Just thinking about it makes me want to go out a buy him a penguin. MUST BUY PENGUIN RIGHT NOW. Buying one for myself doesn’t work. I’ve been fighting the urge for twenty five years now.

        1. Bluebell*

          My mother was partnered with a widower whose late wife collected penguins. The guest room in their house was chock full of them- most were smallish figurines, but a few were stuffed ones that were about a foot high!

      7. eeeek*

        I found that with my in-laws, the trick was to have a highly specific collection that was hard enough to find that it wasn’t at the local shops. I collect antique and vintage seed corn signs (farm field row markers and dealer signs) that have aesthetically interesting depictions of corn; the signs should be printed in shades of yellow, red, black, and white. Metal or board only – no plastic. People give me other corny things – but because these things are pretty uncommon, the collection is under control, and my house doesn’t look like Applebee’s/Cracker Barrel. The in-laws could wave their hands and say, “we tried, but it’s so hard…” They could make a gesture; I didn’t get stuff I don’t want. Win-win.

        I did learn early on in the pandemic that I should not have my camera pointed at the wall displaying my collection. (If ya’all remember the story of the obscene amigurimi, you’ll get my drift…)

    7. Irish Teacher*

      Worst gift was from a friend of a friend. We were all going to a show and she clearly just thought, “oh, yeah, better get Irish Teacher something” and what she chose was an…introduction to Irish history sort of thing. One of those books for tourists giving the basics that Irish kids learn in primary school. I am a history teacher. In Ireland! It was even too basic to be any use with my students, who are teenagers. (She clearly just thought “oh, I’ll get her something about history” and grabbed the first book she could find that mentioned history on the cover.)

      Best…oh, this chain my mum got me with my name written on it in Ogham writing (this was the writing used in Ireland before people started using the Latin alphabet, so back in pre-Christian times). Yes, I may be ever so slightly obsessed with Irish history.

      1. Sloanicota*

        I have a ring with a word spelled in ogham – I love it and wear it all the time! A really interesting language. Remind me, if you don’t mind, what is the correct pronunciation of the word? It would not have had a “G” sound, right?

    8. Falling Diphthong*

      Recent great ones that I hadn’t asked for, they just realized I might like them. These made my life better or easier.

      Son: Put a stronger ad blocker on my computer.
      Daughter: Pillow that sticks to the wall behind me in the bath.
      Husband: Set of tickets to my preferred carwash, so I don’t have to think “Do I have a $10 bill?”

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Ooh, yeah — bath pillows are AMAZING! And that is so thoughtful of your son and husband too.

    9. ecnaseener*

      Oh the worst and also funniest present, hands-down, was the T-shirt with a picture of the giver’s face on it. She gave these T-shirts to the whole family. It wasn’t intended as a joke gift as far as anyone could tell.

    10. Jay (no, the other one)*

      My sister-in-law used to shop for us at craft sales – and not the ones with professional or skilled artisans. Since we don’t celebrate Christmas like the rest of the family she couldn’t get us the clothespin ornaments. One year we got a glass bottle filled with Christmas lights and decorated with decoupaged snowmen. Then she stopped shopping at craft sales and the next year we got a small cooler shaped like a golf bag and designed to hold your beer in the golf care. We don’t play golf.

      Best is one of the two rings I’m wearing. One was a gift for a special anniversary year – it has a quote from Song of Songs engraved in Hebrew. The translation is “I have found my beloved.” And the other is a small ruby. I love rubies, they’re my birthstone, and this is some sort of geologically special ruby since he’s a geologist. That was my 35th birthday present.

    11. Pool Lounger*

      Worst: I was dating a guy whose parents were pretty horrid people, and he was the not-favorite son. For Christmas it was his parents, his brother and his fiancee, my bf and me. His mother gave Brother and Fiancee extremely nice, expensive gifts. I got half-used bottles of lotion samples Mother got free from her work. My bf got acne face wash. It was completely deliberate.

      Best: My partner wrote a song for me, played it for me and gave me the lyrics. Another favorite was a 4-ft long manatee stuffed animal. The box was huge and fun to open, and many years later I still use the manatee as a body pillow at night.

    12. Dark Macadamia*

      Worst: I grew up with some relatives who were truly terrible gift givers but so enthusiastic about it. Lots of wrong-age items like a children’s fuzzy pink locking diary when I was a teenager. One family gave me a GIANT bag of peanut M&Ms with literally every gift for years – I don’t like peanut M&Ms. The most memorable one was when we were at the mall together and I mentioned liking a nice sweater in my favorite color (pastel lime green) and that Christmas my aunt was SO proud of herself for getting me… a black athletic jacket with some patches of neon tennis ball green. She was so sweet about it and it was just so far off the mark.

      Best: anything that unexpectedly makes me feel known. A beautiful wooden yarn bowl when I was into knitting, a really cute little kit to stitch a felt fox, an art piece I’d saved on Pinterest and forgotten about, Bluetooth headphones, roller skates.

    13. Elle Woods*

      Worst gift? My then-boyfriend gave me a book he’d bought at a discount bookstore. The book itself wasn’t so bad, it was that he pointed out it came with a special bookmark–a check from him so I could go get myself whatever I wanted. We’d been together a while at this point but it had become increasingly clear that our relationship was not going to work out.

      Best gift? A painting from my niece, who was about eight at the time, featuring some of my favorite things–running, baseball, and football. I’ve got it on a shelf in my office and it warms my heart every time I look at it.

    14. Snoozing not schmoozing*

      There have been too many best gifts to list them all, but my top ones were a musical instrument I really wanted, from my parents when I was in high school, and from my husband, tickets to a concert by a singer I’ve been nuts about for decades. Worst was from my in-laws when we’d been married just a few years and were on a tight budget. Everyone else got nice sweaters, I got an unwrapped cardboard box of bargain cleaning supplies and other shit. Then m-i-l kept telling everyone, at the top of her voice, how thoughtful she was because she knew just what to get poor people. Worst Christmas of my life. That idiot didn’t realize we could get the necessities for ourselves, but what I wanted was something I wouldn’t buy for myself, like the nice sweaters everyone else got.

    15. Amber Rose*

      I traveled down to see my dad for Christmas a few years back. My (worst) Christmas surprises were:

      1) His girlfriend I’d never met or knew existed was there, also staying in his apartment with us.

      2) He wanted to give me some of my mom’s stuff that his girlfriend had been using during her stay. Things like a hair dryer.

      3) She decided to also give me a present. It was a princess horse calendar. Please keep in mind I was in my late 20’s.

      Best: Not sure. I like things but I’m not materialistic. So I love getting presents but I’m not usually the type to fawn over anything. I’ve got the most use out of my Garmin watch.

    16. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      The Best:

      Mr. Lid food storage containers (thank you, ex-girlfriend!). The lids are attached, so you never lose them! On the downside, they are a bit hard to open unless you have good hand strength.

      Anything luxurious that I might not have gotten for myself otherwise: fancy grapefruit-scented moisturizing cream from N aked Bee (thank you, dear friend), an angora sweater with little pearl buttons and a fancy Gucci watch (thank you for both of those, kind and generous great aunt!), a cute, sturdy boom box for high school graduation that I still use (thank you, mom and dad!).

      The worst: Gifts where the gift was more about the giver’s compulsive need to give –that has led to some weird stuff, even though well intentioned. Really, just the person’s company would have been fine. I’ve been guilty of doing this to other people myself sometimes, though — it’s easy to slip into the mind-set of having to show how much I care in a tangible way and then letting myself go overboard.

    17. Broken scones*

      Hmm, one of the worst gifts I’ve received is what I think was my aunt’s attempt at making me a care package that included really cheap snack foods and expired applesauce. EXPIRED. APPLESAUCE.

      One of the best recent gifts I’ve gotten is a personalized oracle deck reading & an aura painting from a new friend. We both met at work and bonded over witchy interests :)

    18. Just a Name*

      Best gift: the title to my first car. I was 17, paying $41/mo on the car loan, working part time at a grocery, trying to save for college (1979). It seemed that every penny went to pay for that used car. My parents paid off the loan with part of dad’s Xmas bonus (approx $400) and wrapped up the title and put it under the tree. Such a huge relief!

      Worst: Xmas sweatshirt with poinsettias. To be fair, my MIL to be had just met me. Just not my style at all.

    19. AlexandrinaVictoria*

      Worst was a table lamp in the shape of an airplane made out of seashells. Teenage me was horrified, but I kind of wish I had it now!
      Best was a very good color copy of my great-grandparents’ marriage certificate, beautifully framed. It is very pretty and artistic, unlike the certificates of today.

      1. The Prettiest Curse*

        Yeah, I can see how that lamp would have seemed like a kitschy nightmare to a teenager, but much more desirable as an adult. It sounds like a real conversation piece.

        1. Clisby*

          My husband still regrets that we didn’t buy an ashtray made from a musky’s head (a musky is a fish). Basically, the open-mouthed fish head was mounted on a board and it was supposed to be an ashtray. Neither of us has ever smoked.

    20. WoodswomanWrites*

      It’s been a relief that the holiday gift-giving thing just faded away in my family. Although we never formally discussed it, my siblings and I just stopped as adults. We’re Jewish by birth but not by religion. My mom celebrated the gift-giving part of Christmas because everyone else did and she liked that tradition. So we gave each other Christmas presents when we were growing up but didn’t incorporate anything else from the holiday (no tree, no holiday music, etc.).

      My mom, who will be 95 this month, has little money and we’ve told her she doesn’t need to give us anything, but it means a lot to her. Alas, for years she has ordered delivery of gift boxes of food things that I can’t stand, but she forgets and orders the same stuff for me again. So I just say thank you and give them away.

      1. Clisby*

        My family, too. I’m one of 6 kids, and as we started growing up, getting married, having kids, the gift lists were just out of hand. First we switched to the adults drawing names (so each adult gave only one gift) and setting a $25 gift limit. Then we switched to the kids’ drawing names. Then we just dropped it. (Well, it’s possible the generation after me still carries on with their kids, I wouldn’t know.)

        By the time all this was happening, my parents just decreed they didn’t want any presents of *stuff” but they would love to have updated family photos – so we all did that.

    21. They Don’t Make Sunday*

      The one that landed the worst: my mom got me a yogurt strainer when I was 13 or 14. In her mind she knew I liked baking and this could be useful in a 90s low-fat recipe sort of way? It was so far off, though. I did not want to strain *a* yogurt, let alone the many yogurts that would necessitate an entire yogurt strainer.

      Best: not on a holiday, just the random weeknight when my boyfriend (now husband) installed extra RAM in my computer while I was in the shower. Or the time he ordered a replacement rubber seal for my water bottle cap because I had discovered mildew on the old one and it wouldn’t come off.

    22. Retired Merchandiser*

      This is going to sound weird, but the best gift I ever got wasn’t a Christmas gift, but from my husband. He bought me a toolbox. The kind you can sit/stand on. I had just started doing reset work and mentioned how nice it would be to have one like that.
      I was so thrilled when he brought it home. (He couldn’t understand my excitement.) For one thing, he had to go to about four or five stores to find one, (this was before Amazon/Google days. ) And second, that he paid attention to what I said, and wanted to make things easier for me. I used that box for years until the company I worked for decided they wanted all of us to use the same kind of box and issued them to us. Now it’s HIS toolbox, but every time I see it I remember the effort he went to for me.

    23. carcinization*

      worst: A couple of years back, the librarian at my school (I used to be officed in the library and she and I got along well, so it wasn’t weird that she decided to get me a little something) gave me a pair of not-new socks that were printed with grapes and glasses of wine. I had never mentioned wine or any type of drinking in front of her. While I do drink in an extremely limited fashion (1-2 drinks per week at most), I am an adult child of an alcoholic so feel weird about alcohol-related gifts from someone who is just assuming about my relationship to alcohol.

      best: Nothing especially comes to mind though my husband did get me a really nice jacket that I wanted from etsy a couple of years back.

    24. Ooooooo*

      What a great thread.

      The worst present I ever received was a clean but used nightie from my grandmother when I was 6. Just what every little girl wants.

      The best present I ever received was probably the two yards of dark blue velvet my parents gave me for my 9th birthday. My mom and I used to go to fabric stores and “pet” the velvet, but I had never owned any. That piece of fabric had many lives! It displayed my rock collection in fifth grade. It was the fanciest toga at “Roman Day” in 6th grade. It was a very fancy curtain for a makeshift puppet theatre. It was a toga again at a toga party in college. And on and on. It finally wore out many many years after being gifted. I’m in my 60’s and it’s still the best present I ever got, not just because it was so fun and so luxurious, but because it showed my parents really knew me.

      1. The OG Sleepless*

        There was a lovely article in Southern Living years ago called “Ten Yards of Black Velvet,” where a woman wrote about her husband giving her this extravagant bolt of velvet for their first Christmas together. Over the years she made herself a dress for a special occasion, a costume for her daughter, and ultimately, a velvet pillow to put under his head in his casket. It was one of the most touching things I have ever read.

    25. Ellis Bell*

      Worst: 1) My ex’s relative (in his family everyone had to get gifts for everyone) gave me a really battered, huge, dusty black and obviously regifted handbag that looked like it belonged to an old lady. I was in my early twenties and only ever used a backpack or a tiny clubbing belt bag. 2) Same ex called me (drunk) from an auction and said he was going to buy me a piece of art. I tried to talk him out of it because he knows shit about art but I rationalised that he may have seen something similar to the stuff I like, which tended to be modern or abstract. It was a massively twee country cottage scene, painted amateurishly and badly. It looked like it belonged under a pub light.
      Best: 1) I used to keep my aromatherapy oils in shoeboxes, particularly stuff like the rose I bought in Morocco (the good stuff should never see sunlight). My dad sanded down and waxed an old electrician’s box and added a fancy clasp to make a really beautiful storage box which I have to this day.
      2) I had some fancy illustrated editions of some texts that were really dear to me, but which I hadn’t been able to keep when I was poor/between places to live without storage. My partner tracked them all down as a surprise gift one Christmas, even though I don’t even remember mentioning it!

    26. MEH Squared*

      The two best gifts I have gotten were from my two besties (one each). One whom I’ve been best friends with for a quarter century gave me a travel mug for Christmas one year with ‘You cannot imagine the immensity of the fuck I do not give’, which is me in a nutshell. She GETS me. The other is a body pillow in the shape of a black cat from my other bestie. He knows me pretty damn well, too. I adore black cats and I have named the pillow Shade Jr., after my actual black cat (Shadow).

    27. allathian*

      I tend to forget the worst gifts, I either regift them to someone who’d appreciate them, donate to charity if appropriate, or throw them out if they’re truly unsuitable or inappropriate.

      It has to be said, though, that all the toys that made noise that my son got when he was a toddler ran out of juice *very* quickly because I removed the batteries on the sly… He got them, even when I asked people not to. When my MIL bought a few toys like that, I asked her to keep them at her home and only bring them over when she visited. I could stand the noise for a few hours at a time, but not days or weeks on end.

      I can’t remember the best present I ever got, but the best recent one was a “Walter’s Pflegehand,” basically a waterproof and greaseproof palm-sized cushion on a stick for putting lotion on your back or other places you can’t reach easily. It’s very easy to clean after use and you can buy replacement cushions. I got it from my friends for my 50th birthday. Most of my friends are about the same age as I am, and all of us are dealing with middle age in our own ways. In our Whatsapp convo I happened to mention that I have an itchy patch on my back that I can’t reach, so I can’t rub lotion on it without help. I felt really seen, heard, and loved when I opened that present.

  18. I heart Paul Buchman*

    Ok, I gotta bite. Why did you fight about the tea towel? As opposed to regifting, donating or throwing away? Is there a secret insult in a monarchist tea towel?

    Worst would be my lovely grandma who went slightly forgetful in her old age. She obviously valued punch bowl sets, with the glasses that hang around the rim, because she gave me three of them in the space of about 12 months. Bless her.

    Best was a print from my favourite cartoonist for my 40th. Love it.

  20. Professor Plum*

    Learning something new! Inspired by ruda’s roundup question last weekend about the best product you bought this year, what’s the best thing you learned this year?

    2. Sloanicota*

      This is strange, but I spent and entire day sucked into youtube videos on “ratting” – clearing barns and stables, often but not always in the British countryside, using small packs of terriers and “lurcher” dogs in the outfield, working alongside mink (!) or ferrets (!). As someone who adopted my first-ever dog a year ago, although he is not a terrier breed, I found it so amazing to watch these animals doing what they were bred to do and clearly having the time of their lives. I have no hatred for rats, having had one as a pet, so I never thought I’d find this interesting, but for whatever reason I was obsessed for about 48 hours.

      1. Sloanicota*

        Relatedly, my own dog is a mix of shepherd and livestock guardian breeds, so I learned a lot about that this year … But yeah this mink thing really blew me out of the water.

      2. fposte*

        YouTube spirals are some of my favorite things. I spent a few days intensely watching people trim cattle hooves, for instance. It’s all these little slices of human life that you know nothing about.

    4. Bluebell*

      I’ve been playing Globle and Worldle the last few months, and have learned a lot of geography. Worldle keeps adding new bonus rounds, including the capital, the flag, and now population and currency.

      1. fposte*

        I love those! My rule is that Worldle comes first and that its solution is my starting country in Globle. But I haven’t seen population and currency–clearly I need to keep clicking after flags.

        I really enjoy that certain shapes are now so distinctive to me that they’re obvious, like psshht, why even bother including Mali? And then I get humbled by yet another small indistinct rocky bit in the South Seas.

        1. Bluebell*

          I usually tackle Globle first using the same European country. That way I feel I look at various outlines. I think the currency/population started this week. I usually do horribly on the flags.

    6. Chaordic One*

      That credit card billing dates are almost always on the 28th of the month because the 28th is the last day of February, the shortest month of the year. I guess they could make it the last day of any given month, but then they’d have to move it around. So they just set it as the 28th for every month.

    7. Girasol*

      I fixed a leaky faucet and replaced the LED driver on one of the porch lights that was flickering. You’re probably thinking “big deal,” but I’ve got a fear of electric wires and a complete phobia about plumbing so it was a big deal for me.

    8. MEH Squared*

      I’m going to cheat a bit because I learned this at the end of last year, but fully embraced it this year. Life is truly short and every moment we have is a blessing. I had a life-endangering medical situation in September of last year that I wasn’t expected to survive. In fact, I didn’t. I died twice and I came back twice. I wasn’t ready to go yet, and I fought like hell. But, I was also extremely lucky. My medical team to a person called it a miracle. I like to say I’m still here because of love, luck, and Taiji (tai chi). I don’t ever take living for granted, and it has changed my outlook radically.

      I used to be chronically depressed. That is 95% gone. I had massive anxiety as well. That’s roughly 60% gone, too. And I have had body issues/eating issues all my life. I hated my body and got to barely neutral through many years of Taiji. While I was in the hospital, I had nurses who helped me with everything, including literally wiping my ass after I went to the bathroom. They were so respectful and treated me with such dignity, they made me feel safe in the most vulnerable of situations. My body issues are completely gone. My body is fucking amazing! It got me through death, and it’s better than ever.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        I want to thank you for this, as someone who keeps having health things go wrong the last few years.

        1. MEH Squared*

          I’m sorry you’re going through that. I have had bronchial issues for over a decade, and this was the culmination of that (plus a few other nasty medical surprises). All in one night. I wish you a happier and healthier 2023!

    9. Professor Plum*

      Love all the answers—so interesting—from the mundane to the profound. Thanks for sharing.

      My comment seems to have disappeared, so I’ll add it again. I’ve learned more about nutrition this year and how to prioritize protein. It’s resulted in losing 9 pounds so far. Overwhelming amount of info at optimisingnutrition (dot) com.

  21. sewsandreads*

    Makers of the comment section — what have you been making recently?

    I’ve just made a dent into the Christmas quilt stash (yep, I am running very late), and am loving getting all creative again after the year we’ve had in my neck of the woods.

    1. GraceC*

      I’m down to the last cross stitch gift out of three (parents and grandma) – might start taking it to work so I can stitch somewhere that I don’t have to wear fingerless gloves constantly. The energy costs in the UK are real this year

    2. ecnaseener*

      I’m quilting a throw pillow for my parents (my first ever quilting project!)

      I’ve just finished the main decorative bit and now it just needs a border and a back. (And stuffing.)

      All was going well until my bobbin thread got caught on something in the innards of my cheap-ass sewing machine. It got pulled so tight that I couldn’t unwind the thread and had to cut it all away. Lots of thread sacrificed to the sewing gods, a sad day. But I’m going to try to finish today/tomorrow!

    3. Lifelong student*

      I am making a crocheted lace tablecloth! I had always resisted working with thread rather than yarn but found that size 3 thread is not hard to work with. It is join as you so motifs so is really going quickly! Of course, I will never use is as the only table we have is used everyday for eating- but I will put it away to give as a wedding gift someday! Now to figure out how to block something so large.

    4. the cat's ass*

      I have made many quarts of “Nuts and Bolts” aka Chex party mix and the house smells terrific! The secret is more Worcestershire sauce than you think!

    5. looking for a new name*

      I finished a small quilt (smaller than lap quilt size) I had cut out YEARS ago and am almost done making a top that features hats, mitten, and Christmas sweaters.

    6. HamlindigoBlue*

      I’m making several knit scarves as gifts for my sisters, mom, and sisters in-law. The pattern is Mum’s Neck Cozy. I made one last year for myself, and I loved it enough to want to gift them using a nicer yarn. During this past winter’s clearance sales, I bought several different colors of a bulky cashmere blend for this pattern to use for the gifts this year.

    7. Dark Macadamia*

      Years ago I discovered the “atomic age” trend of space-themed holiday cards and decided to someday do a whole mini Christmas tree on that theme – this is the year! I have a 3-foot silver tree, some small vintage Shiny Brite ornaments, and little robots, and I’m making the rest. I’m adding astronaut helmets to some retro deer ornaments from World Market, will print some of my favorite vintage cards, and sewed a little tree skirt with “rocket Santa” print fabric. I’m so excited, it’s turning out really cute.

    8. Professor Plum*

      Unfortunately a (mild) bout of Covid took the oomph out of my making plans this year. I was able to dehydrate some oranges and lemons to assemble with spices for some bags of stovetop potpourri to give to a few friends and neighbors.

    9. Inkhorn*

      I’m tackling my first attempt at bag making – a convertible crossbody bag/backpack. Possibly a little ambitious given the 187 steps, but going slow and steady should work out, right?

    10. Dancing Otter*

      I finished a sashiko table runner a few weeks ago.
      More recently, I’ve been working on lap quilts, probably for donation because I need more quilts like I need a hole in the head. I have four basted, in various stages of being quilted, and five tops waiting to be basted when I finish those.
      I also knit three hats for gifts – Knitters, look up the pattern “Troll” on Ravelry. It is just so stinking cute! – and started a hooded scarf for myself.

  22. Lilo*

    This is a stretch but: any posters here from thr Netherlands who can recommend a retailer to order from? I have a relative who moved to Amsterdam this year and I think it makes more sense to try to order Christmas presents from a retailer in the Netherlands for delivery rather than trying to ship something from the US. I’m thinking clothes and toys.

    1. Sloanicota*

      Hmm, as someone with relatives overseas, I think it has to be a fairly big company in order to have a website the US customers can use with their own currency?

      1. Lilo*

        Yeah there is Amazon. My spouse travels abroad for work pretty often so our cards are set up for exchange.

      2. KatEnigma*

        As Lilo says, it doesn’t have to be in Euros- your card will do the work for you. Depending on which card you have, with or without a fee. I order from shops in the UK at least once a year.

    3. The Prettiest Curse*

      If you have PayPal, you may be able to use it on the website of a local retailer too. I bought a lot of stuff from UK retailers using my US credit card and PayPal account before we moved back to the UK.

    4. LGP*

      I’m American but live in The Netherlands now, and I would recommend bol.com. They’re like the Dutch version of Amazon (although there is a Dutch Amazon site as well, but I don’t have much experience with it). But Bol is pretty good, with a good selection and usually free shipping on orders over €20.

      1. Arya Parya*

        As someone born and raised in the Netherlands, i am seconding this. Bol has a large selection and is reliable. Also Wehkamp is pretty good for clothes and toys.

  23. Sloanicota*

    Have you ever successfully kept a New Year’s Resolution and made it a permanent lifestyle change or improvement? I am starting to think about the end of the year, which makes me think about goals for the new year. I always do a resolution that I rarely keep successfully all year, plus a month-long January challenge (sometimes February if there’s some reason January is a bad time, like a big travel plan or a wedding or something) – usually, going vegetarian or giving up alcohol, sometimes something like reading every day. I have a pretty good track record at the month challenge, but it rarely shifts into permanent behavior change. If I want, say to exercise more, it would be more effective for me to sign up for a 10K in a few months, versus making a NY Resolution about it. Yet, every year I do try to make them and I’m already trying to plan one!

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I’ve had some successes – for me what helps is documenting a streak, and now that I can say I’ve taken my vitamins every day for 894 days, I don’t want to break the streak so I go take my dang vitamins :) I’m on 1659 days of completing the red ring on my watch fitness app, and I don’t want to break that one, so if it’s not done by dinnertime, I get up and dance around my living room or take the dog for a walk or something until it’s done. I don’t keep it set super high or anything, I’m not out running a 10k after work every day, but it is high enough that I need to do at least SOME intentional movement every day above and beyond my normal daily routine in order to get there, so to that end, it has helped form a long term habit.

    2. Ranon*

      I do small resolutions and I’ve had them turn into habits I’ve kept up- one was wearing jewelry every day, which led to me wearing jewelry most days (until I had a baby and that fell completely by the wayside). Another was writing my representatives once a month which actually turned into something I do regularly, both calling and writing.

      My favorite stolen resolution is “whatever I put on my face I will also put on my neck” which has made me much better about moisturizing and sunscreening my face and neck.

      Go small, I guess is what I’m saying- something low effort with a bit of joy or self satisfaction attached can really be a long term life improvement.

    3. A Girl Named Fred*

      Honestly, the only one I’ve managed to keep so far has been my “No Pop 2022” resolution this year with my boyfriend. I used to drink 2-4 Cokes per day after having backed down to one or none and knew I wanted to kick the habit. I genuinely didn’t think I could do it, but here I am on December 10th and I haven’t had any soda since December 31st of last year. I’m just now thinking about whether I want to make it a permanent change or try to allow some pop back in.

      I’m planning a social media hiatus for January and, while I don’t think I’ll stop using it permanently after that, I hope it’s enough to help kickstart my brain out of “downtime = mindlessly scroll phone” and into “downtime = do something that actually fuels me.”

      1. Sloanicota*

        Huh, you are right, at some point I kicked the pop habit and I don’t know exactly how I did it – it was not a new year’s resolution specifically. That is a good example for me to ponder for a successful permanent behavior change!

      2. Weatherwax*

        I stopped using Twitter, Facebook and Instagram on January 1st, 2020, thinking like you, A Girl Named Fred, that it would kickstart my brain for a while and it did ! I haven’t relogged since then !! The first 30 days were indeed the hardest but it went on to be easier (and then the pandemic happened and I was like : I DON’T want to be on Twitter for this ahah, so it helped)

      3. Stunt Apple Breeder*

        Soda Free ’23 has a nice ring to it :D

        I found the La Croix Ni Cola sparkling water to be a good substitute–you get the carbonation and the taste, without all the sugar or artificial sweeteners.

        1. Sloanicota*

          Yep, this is what I did (switch canned sparkling water “with natural flavors” (?) for soda, and basically never looked back. You still get the ritual of popping the can and sipping something bubbly, just less random chemicals/sugar or caffeine, which I already get enough of with my daily pot of coffee. I do think a lot of permanently changing habits comes from instituting a new habit to take the place of the old one, so it’s less an emphasis on “quitting” something than *doing something else.*

    4. Pocket Mouse*

      One year I did a year of month-long challenges for myself, and allowed the challenge to repeat across months. So with a good track record on a given challenge that repeats every other month, it can also bleed into the months where the challenge is something else.

      Also seconding the streak idea! Habitica is great for this. I have a few items in there that are set as weekly, but I only get to check them off if I do the thing 3x/week or 5x/week (as long as they’re not actually daily tasks like taking vitamins). This allows some flexibility to not do something *every* day, but achieve a good frequency on doing it.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Habitica is good for people who like to gamify — it’s too much for me, I find it busy and distracting, so I just use an app called Streaks, where you can set up your streaks with a daily or x many times a day/week/month whatever. Some things can auto-complete – like, if your phone knows your distance, then if you have a “walk 2 miles” streak goal then you can have it auto-complete when your phone’s distance app says you got there for the day. Otherwise, you can have it remind you if you haven’t marked it done by a certain time :) All depends on what works best for you though!

        1. Sloanicota*

          You’re right, and I have had good luck with a simple spreadsheet or a calendar I check days off on. That is a helpful point.

    5. Taking the long way round*

      I have had some success with ‘desire mapping’ by Danielle LaPorte. I believe you can download worksheets from her website for free.
      In essence, you think about how you want to feel then build new habits of behaviour around those feelings. Good luck!

    6. djc*

      Resolutions don’t work for me. I try to make small changes on a daily basis and keep track of them on a habit tracker. Ideally I’d like to work out three times a week, but I don’t always hit that goal. Some months I do better than others, but overall i make progress. . Also, I try to start with one or two small habits instead of trying to change my whole lifestyle.

      1. allathian*

        Yes, this. In the past, I always used to make NY resolutions, but my resolution for 2010 was that I wouldn’t make any more, because I could never keep them and that just made me feel awful.

        I’ve also made some small changes, like moisturizing after every shower, and going out for preferably 30 but at least 15 minutes every day. By and large I’ve kept them.

    7. Cooke*

      I resolved to not talk on my phone while driving, about five years ago. Have only broken this rule a couple of times (to answer an urgent call from a doctor I’d been trying to reach, and I pulled over as soon as possible). The benefit of this is invisible: my attention is on the road. But the negative outcome if I had kept doing it probably would NOT be invisible.

      1. Sloanicota*

        UGH I need to do this – seriously. I use the phone to navigate and then, whattaya know, the phone’s already in my hand and … I bought a hands free display but just couldn’t make it work for me somehow – I kept seizing the phone to better see where it wanted me to turn. Maybe I need to try again and buy one that’s closer/higher up or something. This would certainly be a worthy thing to achieve.

        1. RussianInTexas*

          I switched my car insurance last year, and my current plan, with the Australian Gecko, gives me a pretty good discount for the good driving behavior. The criteria are: rough braking, handheld calling, phone handling.
          Now, my car has Android Auto, so I just plug my phone in when I set out and everything gets rerouted. I haven’t handled my phone while driving since June. Got almost 25% discount on my premium.

    8. looking for a new name*

      I prefer to think of it as “yearly planning.” I have a few small things to try to make a habit of (eg, daily calf stretches), some of which do become permanent, or a specific exercise to work on (like a yoga pose, which then gets better thru the year and is sustained). I also have done things like complete 12 craft projects or read 12 books on a specific subject, which works better for me.

    10. PhyllisB*

      Not really a New Year’s resolution, but a couple of years ago a friend of mine posted a suggestion on Facebook to read one chapter every day in the book of Luke for the month of December. At the end of the book (it has 24 chapters) you will have read the full Christmas story, plus all about Jesus’ ministry. I did this, and then decided I was going to keep going and read the entire Bible. I have been in church all my life but have never read the complete Bible. So, I read a chapter every day. (In December I still read my chapters in Luke as well as my other chapter.) I went all the way through the New Testament and started back to Genisis. I’m halfway through Psalms now. I believe this is the only resolution I’ve never broken after I made it.

    11. Habits*

      I heard that it takes 66 days for a habit to stick. I’d say do what you have been doing, just make it go longer than a month.

    12. Usually Lurks*

      My one habit-changing specific resolution is silly, but I made it more than 20 years ago and have stuck with it ever since: in a moment of holiday season hair frustration I vowed “next year I will not leave the salon without booking my next appointment.” And I haven’t! in fact in recent years I’ve usually got two ahead on the books. I told my stylist when I made the resolution and she thought it was hilarious; but she’s still my stylist now and I know when my next appointment is. It’s my one great resolution success.

      In general for me a resolution’s got to be small and easy and positive in the short term (maybe actually something that is a treat) to have any chance of sticking beyond the first week without an internal rebellion.

  24. gift help*

    I’m looking for a very specific book for a christmas present, I’m wondering if someone here has a suggestion for me.
    Are there any books written about the world trade center, or the twin towers, that were published BEFORE 9/11? Something talking about the construction, or the impact on the city, or the planning or architecture? I’m 100% willing to buy used or vintage or whatever. The only book I found was republished after 2001, and the new version replaced half the book with a discussion of the attack and aftermath.
    This is for a historian who specializes in NYC, who loves to learn about how the buildings and physical structures of the city reflect the culture in a given time period.

    1. Ranon*

      When I’m trying to figure out something like this I often start with Worldcat.org since it’s much broader, better indexed, and less algorithm driven than, say, Amazon. One option:

      Twin towers : the life of New York City’s World Trade Center
      Author:Angus K. Gillespie

    2. StellaBella*

      The World Trade Center (Classics of American Architecture) Paperback – January 26, 2012
      by Anthony W. Robins (Author)

      Twin Towers: The Life of New York City’s World Trade Center Hardcover – November 1, 1999
      by Angus Gillespie (Author)

      And maybe a book on the architect?
      “A little-known Japanese-American architect was chosen to design the World Trade Center. Born into a poor family of Japanese immigrants in Seattle, Washington, Minoru Yamasaki put himself through college working in fish canneries in Alaska. He started his career in New York, working for the firm that built the Empire State Building, and rose to helm his own firm in Detroit. By 1962, when Yamasaki applied to design the World Trade Center, he had completed work on a single high-rise building: Detroit’s Michigan Consolidated Gas tower, which had just 30 stories. The Port Authority chose Yamasaki based on his proposal to design a vast trade center that still had the intimate, human-focused qualities of his other designs. Tasked with building the world’s tallest building, Yamasaki settled on a design of two towers and five other buildings that would together comprise some 15 million square feet of office space.”

      A Life in Architecture by Minoru Yamasaki | Jan 1, 1979
      Minoru Yamasaki and the Fragility of Architecture 1st Edition by Paul Kidder (Author)
      Minoru Yamasaki: Humanist Architecture for a Modernist World by Dale Allen Gyure

    3. Paralegal Part Deux*

      Have you tried bookstores that specialize in finding books like this? I did this for a book my mother wanted a few years ago (can’t remember the name of the bookstore I used or I’d recommend them), and they were able to locate the book for me. It was out of print, and they were able to track it down for me.

    4. Glomarization, Esq.*

      Digging the Wikpedia entry on the WTC for primary sources, I found Divided We Stand: A Biography Of New York’s World Trade Center by Eric Darton, 1999, ISBN: 978-0-465-01701-0. It appears to be available via Amazon and other retailers.

    5. Bluebell*

      Not answering this question, but a side recommendation: Open House New York often features new books that deal with NY architecture and history. They also have book talks, and some are virtual. You could even contact them – there’s a decent chance they could recommend a book.

    6. Not A Manager*

      This is not what you’re looking for, but I have to shout out The Man Who Walked Between the Towers, a children’s Caldecott winner in 2004. It’s about Philippe Petit, an aerialist who was known for dangerous stunts that involved trespassing, who strung an unauthorized rope between the twin towers in 1974 and did tricks on it for an hour. The text and illustrations are both lovely, and sad only by context.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Ooh, I think there’s a film about that event too! Man on a Wire, or something like that. It was way cool.

    7. Blinx*

      Run a search on Abebooks.com. It’s a good place to search for used/out of print books. I found a few on One World Trade Center, and others that looked promising. Although there are no descriptions of the content, they’re cheap enough to to buy a few of them in the hopes that one will be a winner — most are $6.

    8. gift help*

      Thank you so much for all your suggestions, both specific books and how to find more! I will look in to all of them.

  25. Expiring Cat Memes*

    Questions about letting go of friendships when you felt that the effort of staying in touch wasn’t reciprocated anymore.

    I’m not talking about definitive endings, more just friendships you stopped working at that wheezed out once you stopped holding prime mental real estate for a friend that didn’t similarly prioritise you. At what point did you decide to stop chasing them and what made you decide to move on? Did the friend ever seem to notice or care? How did you process it on your end if it was someone you once counted as a very close friend? Did you regret letting the friendship lapse? Did you regret the wasted effort of not walking away sooner?

    Feeling philosophical coming into the end of a difficult year and taking stock of where I’m directing my energy for the new year.

    1. PostalMixup*

      I’ve had several close friendships that…I wouldn’t say they’ve fizzled, because I still consider them some of my closest friends, and when we do get in touch, it’s like no time has gone by. But I was always the one who put in the effort to call. I used to have to go into work on weekends a lot, and it was a 20 minute walk from where I lived, so I’d call one friend on the way there and another on the way home. I’d end up chatting with any given friend at least every few weeks. Then I moved and had a kid and worked fewer weekends, so I had less opportunity to call. And I found that they didn’t step in to call me. Every so often I get down about how infrequently we talk now, but the reality is that I don’t have the metal space to carry that load.

    2. Taking the long way round*

      This happened to me. I wasn’t entirely ungrateful because it wasn’t a healthy relationship, and I wouldn’t have known how to disengage kindly from it. The last time we spoke properly was when I’d invited her to mine for something to eat (something we did regularly), and she cancelled asking if she could rearrange because reasons, and she never did.
      After that, I texted her a couple of times to rearrange and she’d wait several days before responding, which was unusual, both times declining. I got the message.
      We sent a couple of cards to each other for Christmas and birthdays then this year I got no card from her and I haven’t sent her one either.
      So, that friendship fizzled out. I’m grateful that I knew her and I learned a lot about myself in that relationship – I think I always learn the most about myself when the relationship isn’t healthy – and I’m over the sadness now and have moved on. I wish her the best.

    3. tessa*

      I’ve been there, and it amounted to having grown differently. We just didn’t have anything in common anymore. No regrets at all.

    4. Turtle Dove*

      That’s a tough one that I wrestle with too. I have a few friends in that category. Friend A I’ll keep making an effort with, and Friend B I’m not sure about. The difference is the length of the friendship (20 years of steady contact with Friend A and six years of sporadic contact with Friend B) and their enthusiasm when I yet again am the one to initiate plans (plenty of “hooray!” energy from Friend A and a tiny bit of gladness if I squint from Friend B). It feels like Friend B doesn’t care. It stings though because I’ve felt a really nice connection with her. We have lots in common, and I can really relax with her. She may not feel similarly or at least doesn’t show it. I may regret letting her and that easy connection go, but one-sided relationships feel icky to me.

      I too am taking stock and deciding how to direct my energy (I like that wording!) next year. I plan to cut back on reading political news because it aggravates me. I plan to spend more time on hobbies because they energize me. In general, I plan to do more of what works and less of what doesn’t (an idea I learned ages ago from Michele Weiner-Davis’s book Divorce Busting). I’ll apply that to friendships too, but sometimes it’s hard to figure out how that works with people.

    5. Anonymous Educator*

      I’ve had two major periods of this:

      1. After secondary school and university, when friends were moving to all different parts of the country (or the world), it became very clear who was actually invested in maintaining friendship vs. who was just fun to be around, because you happened to see them all the time.

      2. After many friends started having kids. If you’re a parent, it’s easier to coordinate playdates with other parents and have conversations about parenting and kids with other parents. It takes a lot of extra effort to keep close contact with your childfree friends, and lots of parents of young kids don’t have the energy to make that extra effort. So I’ve found (with some key exceptions), most of my close friends in later adulthood are other childfree adults.

      But, yeah, I mourn those lost friendships a bit. Lots of them were with people I thought I was very close with. But that’s kind of just life, sadly.

    6. Sloanicota*

      For myself, I try to be self-aware about my energy for socializing. I *love* to have old friends in my life, but many, many of the people I love from high school or college are “text occasionally when something makes me think of them” friends, and honestly that’s the exact level of energy I want to put into those relationships. Sometimes it’s literally like, once a year! Right now I’m in my mid-thirties and everyone is very busy raising young children and working all the time, so I still feel emotionally satisfied and loved by that alone. However, I have old friends who are definitely pressing for more. One wants a weekly phone call of an hour or more, which is too much for me. I do love her dearly, but my life is not that exciting, and I want to save social energy for people I can see in person (we live in different states, half a country away). She’s probably hurt by my disinclination and I do feel the pain of our difference here, as to me this doesn’t mean I don’t love her, but to her it no doubt feels that way.

    7. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      I had two from college who haunted me. We were so very close in college that I totally planned to have them as my bridesmaids if I ever got married. We stayed in good close touch for a good two decades plus after college. After that, though, they stopped calling me back when I called them.

      It hurt, but I eventually stopped trying to call them.

      No, they didn’t really seem to notice or care at the time.

      At the time, I didn’t process it very well. I felt like I had to hang on to what had been good friendships forever, like it was a personal failing of mine that they did not want to be friends anymore. Now, I realize that friendships evolve, and sadly, sometimes end.

      I don’t regret stopping calling them when they wouldn’t call me back. If they had wanted to call me back, they would have.

      One of them is dead now. I flew in for her funeral, and her kind husband reassured me that she had a habit of dropping friends mysteriously, like it wasn’t my fault. But on the other hand, he told me that she may have had an issue with my sexuality when I came out. That makes me sad and a little angry, but that friend was very religious, so maybe I should not have been surprised. I just thought that she was more open-minded. The thing that really hurt is that she knew she had a limited time to live and came to my city on vacation a couple of times, and didn’t call.

      The other one emailed me what I think was a 9th-step amends about keeping in touch, but when I asked her to call me, she never responded. There may have been an issue with my coming out there as well.

      Tl; dr: I lost two dear friends (I think because of my sexuality) around the time I came out. The bright side, if there can be one, is that I learned that I can tolerate losing close friends, even close ones. It has made me a much stronger person to realize that NO ONE’s friendship is so important that I can’t live without it.

      1. Expiring Cat Memes*

        I’m sorry to hear about what happened with those friends. It’s good to hear you pulled through the other side stronger for it, but still, it sounds like an especially painful experience and a profoundly shitty way to be treated by people you held so dear.

      2. allathian*

        I’m so sorry that happened to you. It sounds like your former friends valued the person they thought you were, rather than who you really are. I hope that you have as many close friends who value you f0r who you are as your personality can handle.

        I’m an introvert and currently have 3 very close friends, 2 close friends whose company I enjoy when our mutual friend group gets together but with whom I never schedule anything 1:1, and a few acquaintances that I only see in specific circumstances, as well as a few dozen people that I’ve been friends with before, but we’ve just drifted apart. They’re people I’m happy to exchange pleasantries with if I happen to see them somewhere, but neither one of us makes any effort to keep in touch.

        I also have one friend that I value a lot and whose friendship I wouldn’t want to lose even if I’m always the one who initiates contact. I don’t expect her to reciprocate fully because she has so much else on her plate at the moment.

    8. BreakingDishes*

      I’ve let go of several close friendships. Reasons: in one case the person always seemed to have some kind of crisis. The final straw was traveling across the country to help her when she was anticipating major abdominal surgery. When I arrived, I found it was a much less invasive procedure. I went home sooner than planned. I realized I was expending a lot of energy on this friend while at the same time I was grieving the death of my daughter. I realized that I needed to focus more on my own needs than hers. Things drifted after that-there was not a formal break up. Sometimes it’s just not a good investment.

    9. Jackalope*

      This is more recent, but I picked up a new hobby and made a friend there. It was for an annual event, say I joined an amateur orchestra with one performance each year. She was going through a major life change and, I realized much later, latched on to me because I was someone new to the group and so only knew her post-change rather than working to reconcile the old her with the new her. We were inseparable for the next couple of months (only at Activity, but it ate up a lot of our time). Then I tried to continue with our friendship once the activity had stopped, and she just… canceled on me pretty much every time. Eventually I said, “Okay, that’s fine. Let me know when you’re available to meet up with me.” Total crickets. Several months later we started up Activity again, but this time she was more used to her post-change life, and while she was generally nice to me it was not at ALL the same. Not hanging out in our breaks, never checking in with me when we were waiting for things to start up, etc. I was pretty bummed about it all, but I ended up finding other Activity friends. No one as close as she’d been, and I still feel that hole when I think about Activity and her, but I had to accept the fact that I couldn’t make her text/call me back, and her bowing out every time we planned to get together was telling me something.

    10. Broken scones*

      I had a group of friends that lasted through high school and college but we all just grew up and grew apart from each other. I tried clinging onto the friendships because they were a constant in my life for years but they all gave off signals that they were done being friends (not inviting me to things when they previously did, developing inside jokes and not clueing me in, etc.). It really hurt at the time but I’ve had time and distance to realize that we didn’t have the language (or guts honestly) to respectfully end the friendship. I’ve stopped talking to them and I’ve learned through them what I want in my future friendships (and now I have much nicer , emotionally mature friends!). It was a learning experience for sure, but it was a huge punch to my heart. Tupac once said something like “I want to see you eat, but I don’t want you at my table.” That’s how I feel lol.

      1. anon for this one*

        I love that quote, thanks for sharing, haha! It’s how I feel about a childhood friendship that exploded some years ago. I had been in flat denial about how much we’d grown apart. I still miss this friend and have dreams about being friends again, but I hope they’re much happier with the friends they’ve made as an adult.

    11. Frankie Bergstein*

      I’ve been thinking about healthy relationships a lot this year. I really value reciprocal relationships, so I try to only put as much effort in as feels good. If I’m reaching out to someone and feel resentful, I’ll pull back. (As a recovering people-pleaser, I struggle to do this!).

      I’m also exploring the idea that if you really value a relationship, and it works for me (that is, I generally feel good, there’s no resentment), it’s okay for me to do all the reaching out. I think I generally don’t like being the one to do all the reaching out, though, but I like that it’s okay. I might change how I feel about this. It might really depend on the circumstance.

      I really like BreakingDishes comments about having to let go of some close friendships — that’s been part of my story too. Mine were because the person needed a lot more from me than they were able to invest in the relationship. Sometimes that was listening/emotional support…sometimes that was meeting them at their home… sometimes it was planning a trip… and, ultimately, I just lost respect for them. It’s pretty selfish to constantly need emotional support but give none, you know? That kind of led me to realize I didn’t even like the people that much anymore. I had two such friendships in the last year. For one of them, I did try to talk with her. It was a trainwreck. For the other, I just let it fizzle. I think the latter is better — just investing less energy.

      Like Broken scones, I’ve also learned a lot about what I want in my future friendships — I want folks who take turns in conversation, who are generous, who genuinely care about other people (not me, but like – do they treat their family members with tenderness? Do they volunteer), are they curious/have interests, that sort of thing. I think I came up with those characteristics in response to the relationships I’ve let go of, but I’m hoping my list/clarity will grow.

      1. Jackalope*

        For me it also makes a difference how the person responds to me reaching out. I’ve had a handful of friends who have told me that they have a hard time reaching out themselves for whatever reason but are thankful when I do it. If I know that they have a reason that this is hard for them to do, and I know that they appreciate me doing so, then I’m okay with being the one to do the reaching out. It’s important of course that they reciprocate in some other way, but I can be the initiator if needed. I also have a couple of other friendships where the other person generally initiates, and I try in those situations to let them know that I appreciate it and want to see them.

    12. AGD*

      One of my close friends from college 15 years ago is someone who, after graduation, I ended up exchanging maybe five messages with, most of those in the six months after. I reached out years later when I was in their city for a visit and we didn’t manage to meet up and I wasn’t quite sure why it didn’t work out. I didn’t want to be clingy, though, so I pulled way back.

      After that I spent about a decade pretending I still had n close friends from college when it was obviously (n – 1). I didn’t accept the end easily. It quietly broke my heart a bit. We were so close.

      The (n – 1) and I all continue to have strong reciprocal relationships, though, and I treasure all of the others! As for the minus one, I wish them nothing but the best.

    13. carcinization*

      In my case, I stopped putting forth any effort in a decades-long friendship after it became apparent over and over that the effort that I was putting in wasn’t reciprocated at all. My former friend eventually (like, a year or two later?) reached out minimally (I think she said she thought I’d like some show or movie that was only available on Amazon Prime or something) and I gave a short response. Not sure if we’ll ever hear from each other again, it’s weird but I’m pretty sure we can’t really relate with one another anymore anyhow.

    14. Expiring Cat Memes*

      Thanks everyone for chiming in. I don’t know if there’s ever really an answer per se to these kinds of dilemmas, but I appreciate being able to reflect and explore my feelings on the topic with input from so many different angles.

      Turtle Dove’s feelings about Friend B and Jackalope’s Activity Friend especially resonated (newer friendship, wonderful initial connection) and that helped me tease out the issue I’m struggling with: that maybe the unreciprocated effort isn’t about a temporary period of limited time, busyness or natural stage of life where we slowly grow apart for a while, maybe… I just like them a lot more than they like me? Ouch. And recognising the point when I should go from giving them the support and understanding to be where they’re at in life and still my cherished friend, to realising that they just don’t especially care for my company anymore and I should move on.

      There’s feelings of pride, self-preservation and wounded self-image coming into play too (not wanting the humiliation of realising too late just how blargh I am to someone I hold in such high regard) and those fears are at war with my attachment to my friend.

      It feels so fraught when a) I’m not sure where I stand, b) the “do you want this relationship or not” conversation feels far too dramatic, and c) anything in between is interpretation and climbing the ladder of assumption. But in the same breath I don’t want to hang onto hurt that will fester, so I need to make peace with it one way or another. Every time I tentatively reach out to them I feel like I’m resetting the getting-over-it clock, if in fact the best thing is for me to let the friendship go. So I feel like there’s a decision or acceptance for me to find here.

      Plenty to ponder over the last few weeks of the year. Thanks for all the thoughtful input :)

  26. Jean Pargetter Hardcastle*

    Looking for some advice on sleep issues. My wife and I are both sleeping poorly lately. She snores and wakes up worn out. I wake up frequently. I can usually get back to sleep fairly quickly, but the waking up is frequent enough that it still really disrupts my sleep quality. I don’t feel like I’m being woken up by her snoring, but I often sleep better when she’s not home, so…maybe?
    I know separate beds is a common solution, but that’s not an option in our current living situation (nor do we want to sleep separately). She’s investigating how medication might be affecting her snoring and general sleep; we’ve tried all the easily Google-able things. Has anyone hit on anything less obvious that might be worth a shot, for one or both of us?
    We are both menstruating people who notice an increase in sleep issues during our luteal phases (which mostly overlap), so I’d also be interested in anything anyone’s found that helps particularly with hormone-related sleep issues.

    1. Emma*

      Magnesium can allegedly help with sleep.

      You may also look into a sleep study for her. My husband did an in home one where he wore a device for a day or two. He was diagnosed with sleep apnea and got a CPAP. It took about a month for him to adjust, but we all sleep much better now.

      1. Jean Pargetter Hardcastle*

        Oh, I didn’t know there are at-home ones! That sounds appealing.
        I do take magnesium with melatonin sometimes. It does not keep me from waking up, unfortunately.

        1. Emma*

          It was surprising to me too! I had always thought you had to go to a clinic, but they’ve apparently made advances.

          My husband’s CPAP just sounds like quietly whooshing air, much like white noise!

          I’m also currently waking up in the middle of the night, but it’s likely hormonal (pregnancy). I’ve started taking magnesium, and sometimes try listening to the Calm app on headphones, which helps some. It’s no fun! I hope you find a solution.

    2. KatEnigma*

      I agree that this is pretty textbook sleep apnea symptoms.

      When my husband got his CPAP, we found that a white noise machine helped cover the sound of it for me.

    3. Bluebell*

      I came here to echo Emma’s advice. My husband did a sleep study earlier this year, and got his CPAP two months ago. It’s really helped. The weekend commentariat reassured me about how quiet the machine would be, and they were right.

      In the past, I tried magnesium spray on my feet when I had sleep trouble. It helped a little but not all that much.

      1. Jean Pargetter Hardcastle*

        I think we might be heading in the sleep study direction. She had one done about 10 years ago, I think (before we were together) and it didn’t find sleep apnea, but we’ve been discussing that it might be time for another. It’s good to know that the machine is quiet!

        1. Bluebell*

          The sleep study was not a big deal at all. He picked up some equipment and slept with it and returned it the next day. I think it was just a band w sensors on his chest, and a nasal cannula measuring his breathing.

    5. RagingADHD*

      Both of these situations are things to be discussed with a doctor, especially the snoring + fatigue. Frequent waking can be related to a lot of things, some of which should be addressed medically.

      It may in fact wind up that self-management is the most appropriate course, but you need to get checked out.

    6. iamthelola*

      Earplugs. This made a world of difference to me (not a snoring partner but a night-owl teenager who could not grasp how much noise he actually made or how lightly I really slept). Complete game changer. In fact, I still wear them to sleep so random noises (the cat, the A/C, a car passing by) don’t bother me. Best sleep I’ve had in years.

      1. Jean Pargetter Hardcastle*

        Are there any you can recommend? I tried the foam kind (I found the ones that specifically said they would help with snoring) and they did not make any difference (last time I had my hearing tested they said it was “abnormally good” so…yay me?). I also find them pretty uncomfortable.

        1. The teapots are on fire*

          I love the silicone wax “swimmer’s earplugs”. The Walgreen’s brand bright orange children’s ones are perfect for me because I have tiny ear canals. (The Mack brand-name ones are not quite as soft, but they’re fine). They go over the opening of the ear canal and seal tightly. I’m a terrible sleeper and I cannot sleep without them.

        3. Tired Shopper*

          Ear Plug Store dot com sells a sample pack of about 30 brands of disposable ear plugs. I eventually found a brand that works for me. Before this, I thought they were uncomfortable and useless.

      2. Sloanicota*

        I can’t wear ear plugs due to an ear condition but have had a similarly great experience with small home white noise machines – there are some on Amazon that you can adjust higher/lower/louder until you match the exact pitch you’re trying to block out, as well as general ambient sound. Was perfect for me.

    7. Snoozie Q*

      I’m assuming “all the easily Google-able” things includes consistent bed time, turning off screens early, dark and cool room. Fruitcake listed a bunch of that stuff below.

      And I agree with the others that this sounds like apnea, and whatever is causing it, there is a solution. If your wife’s meds are necessary but cause apnea, CPAP. If something else causes apnea, CPAP. My sister’s partner ruined her sleep for the first year they were together, until he finally got a CPAP.

      However, a few things that my sleep therapist recommended to me do not commonly get recommended and they will probably contradict what Fruitcake said below, but for me they worked: 1. Aim for 6-7 hours of unbroken sleep, so DO NOT GO TO BED AT 9 unless you want to wake up at 3. If you want to get up at 6, go to bed at 11:30 or 12. 2. Have a fan on in the bedroom, on the lowest setting unless the room is hot. It doesn’t need to point at you (mine points away at a far corner). The circulating air helps. 3. Use a SAD lamp in the evening between 6 and 7 for about 20 minutes. Not in the morning (though you can use it in the morning if you’re groggy, no harm done). You’re trying to push your body’s wind-down rhythm to later at night so it keeps you asleep at the appropriate hour.

      I had to buy the big pricey SAD lamp – the cute little one that fits in a corner of the desk didn’t work for me. Also, I use a white noise machine and usually fall asleep listening to the podcast Northwoods Baseball Sleep Radio, which I saw recommended by another commenter here! (Previously I listened to History of Rome.)

      And also, you said you don’t want to sleep separately, but if you’ve had several nights of broken sleep and you just need rest, one of you can sleep in the guest room or on the couch for just one night. It’s not a permanent situation, but it gets everyone to a baseline level of rest for the next day. It’s harder to tackle your daily tasks if exhaustion has been mounting for multiple days. Take care of your body while you look for solutions.

      1. Jean Pargetter Hardcastle*

        Thanks for this! Yes, we do sometimes end up with the “I’m going to sleep in here so you get caught up on your sleep” solution.
        I appreciate your points about going to bed later to aim for uninterrupted sleep. I get very caught up on what one “should” be doing but sometimes do feel less tired the next day when I go to bed later than I think I should, so maybe I’m fighting my body’s natural wind-down time. Thanks for encouraging me to reconsider that!

      2. fruitcake*

        No worries. I aim for “bed at 9”, to actually be in bed by 9:30, to get to sleep by 10:30. So, I’ve got a good 1-1.5 hours of wind-down time. I need to be up by 6.

        1. Jean Pargetter Hardcastle*

          That makes sense. I start getting anxious about “I must turn out the light and go to sleep NOW so I get enough sleep because if I get less than 7 hours of sleep {insert health issue I saw online here} and and and” and I’m sure falling asleep with all that anxiety doesn’t help. Last winter we stayed up late every night bingeing Netflix and eating Oreos, and while that should be a recipe for disaster, we slept like the dead. My point being that not being stressed about sleep probably helped, not that Netflix and Oreos is the cure!

      3. Clisby*

        I’d be thrilled to go to bed at 9 and wake up at 3. Even though, ideally, if I went to bed at 9 I wouldn’t wake up until 7.

        As it is now, I can go to bed between 8 and 9, fall asleep right away, and wake up at 11. And then 1 a.m. (assuming I actually managed to go back to sleep after the 11 p.m. waking). And on and on until I drag myself out of bed in the morning.

        1. Generic+Name*

          Doing the math, sleeping from 9 until 7 is 10 hours of sleep, which is way more sleep than most adults normally need. What happens when you go to bed later?

          1. Clisby*

            10 hours of sleep is my ideal, and until my early 40s, I managed it 2 or 3 times a week. Once I had children, it wasn’t as doable, but it wasn’t impossible. I’m 69 now, and it’s only become impossible in the last 3-4 years.

            I don’t know what it would be like if I went to bed later, because by 6 pm I’m longing to go to bed. It’s a real effort to stay up 3 hours more to get to 9.

            1. Observer**

              Honestly, it sounds like you need a sleep study (and probably not just a home one.) Also, a thorough checkup.

              But is there any way you can just go to sleep at 6:00 and get up really early? Some people just have weird circadian rhythms and if that’s your issue, or even part of it, the most effective thing you can do is just accommodate it. Of course, that’s not always practical, but I would really give a look at what you can do to make it more doable.

              1. Clisby*

                I’ve had thorough checkups, as far as I can tell. This is not, apparently, a thyroid problem (all hormone levels are normal). It’s not anemia. Blood work all normal. Going back to the regular doctor this month and endocrinologist in Feb.

                I can pretty much go to sleep quickly anytime I lie down, so sure, I can go to sleep at 6 p.m. I’ll be awake by 9 or 10. And then it’s just off-and-on sleep for the rest of the night.

                I just miss the days when I could go to sleep at 6 p.m. and sleep until 4 a.m.

    8. E*

      Sorry if you’ve already found these ideas from googling but just in case:
      1)has your wife tried those nose strips? I use them and they really do help keep the nasal airways open which can help with loud breathing.
      2) do you notice an improvement in your sleep if you exercise more? I definitely do (as long as the exercise is earlier in the day). Similar to the light therapy someone else mentioned, exercise really helps me sleep more deeply.
      3) is your wife’s snoring worse in certain positions? I’ve read ppl who snore while on backs have success sewing a tennis ball on back of shirt and it prevents them from rolling onto their backs bc it’s uncomfortable.
      4) I’ve also read about devices that detect snoring at lower levels than would wake you up. They slightly elevate the pillow to change the snorer’s airflow and prevent snoring before it gets louder. Haven’t tried myself tho

      1. Jean Pargetter Hardcastle*

        Oh, on her back is so bad. The nose strips help slightly. Maybe we should try another brand. The pillow thing is interesting!

        I haven’t consciously noticed a difference related to exercise, but I have been sleeping worse the last month or so and have also been exercising less, so I’ll pay attention to that! Thanks!

        1. S*

          My husband has one of those pillows. The first couple nights are rough but stick with it, it’ll recalibrate and then just inflate or deflate enough to stop the snoring, not wake the person up. I’m a light sleeper so we do that, fan for the white noise, and ear plugs for me.

        2. MassChick*

          My spouse has/had a snoring problem, but it has reduced considerably. I think moderate weight loss (no more than 8 lbs) to address a different health issue helped. Nowadays, he only snores (more softly) when he’s on his back. A gentle tap and he moves back to his side and it stops. It rarely bothers me anymore.

          My mother (she’s in her 80s) has sleep apnea which I strongly believe contributed her her dementia. She now sleeps with a CPAP mask which has reduced the snoring significantly and also the day time drowsiness. But unfortunately it was too late to help/reverse the dementia.

          I think, as others have also suggested, a sleep study is important, esp. since there is day time tiredness. Poor sleep can REALLY affect health in the long term.

    9. Blue wall*

      You’ve received some helpful tips but I want to highlight for you and other readers that your wife needing a sleep study is a medical concern. Sleep apnea is not to be ignored; it can have serious health consequences if untreated. And it’s easily treated by a CPAP, not by you using earplugs or a white noise machine.

      I hope you both have better sleep and health soon.

    10. Observer**

      You should both definitely do sleep studies. And, yes, you can do ones at home. They are not as exhaustive, but they can give you some really important information.

      Also, look into GERD / Reflux / LPR

      This can cause snoring and sleep disruption. Unless she’s snoring REALLY REALLY loudly, even if that’s what is waking you up, it shouldn’t be. Also, check out if YOU are snoring.

    11. Nicki Name*

      My sleep improved unexpectedly when I was diagnosed with a food intolerance and cut all the last traces of that food out of my diet. I had a similar pattern to yours, and had been encouraged to blame it on perimenopause.

    12. NaoNao*

      Okay hear me out: mouth taping.

      It sounds totally off the wall but it *worked* in several ways:

      I was able to sleep deeper and more uninterrupted because I wasn’t getting dried out mouth and sinuses from mouth breathing.

      My body was less stressed, triggering less need to get up and “go” during the night.

      Applying the tape is a signal for my body to go to sleep and works well.

      No more headaches and groggy feeling upon waking up.

      Less snoring/almost no snoring.

      You get medical tape with a low level of glue/stickiness and tape vertically so a strip rests just above and below the lips. If anything happens and you need to open your mouth it pops right off but it’s sticky enough that it stays on typically through moving around. I get the Band-Aid blue kind.

      1. Jean Pargetter Hardcastle*

        Fascinating! We are definitely in the market for easy things to try until a sleep study so this will go on the list!

  27. Texan In Exile*

    Make a will. I didn’t think I would have to talk about this again, but – make a will.

    Those of you who know me from the Golddigger blog might remember that my husband’s ex-wife and ex-mother in law each died without a will.

    On Thanksgiving, our beloved sister in law, who was only 62, died suddenly and unexpectedly. She did not have a will. She leaves three adult children, 29, 29, and 24, who will have to deal with the aftermath.

    Not only that, she left a live-in partner (she and her ex divorced years ago) who claims he paid the mortgage for the past seven years and should have rights to the house. Partner’s point is irrelevant as he is not on the deed, Florida law does not recognize common-law marriage (which they didn’t have anyhow), and he was not in the will (which does not exist). That does not mean he isn’t trying to make trouble for our nieces and nephew.

    And – the house is probably moot as my SIL also did not have health insurance. She spent the last 20 days of her life in the hospital. She went in for a treatable cancer, but died of an infection after an emergency surgery. Medical bills are probably going to take whatever small amount of money might have been in the estate.

    Make a will. And Americans, buy health insurance. It’s open enrollment for the ACA. Go to healthcare dot gov to enroll.

    2. Scout Finch*

      Or UPDATE your old will!

      When I worked at Gigantic Paper Manufacturing, a simple will was part of the EAP benefits at one time. Covered the spouse’s will as well. We both had wills done. I called the attorney recently & inquired about updating our wills (potential heirs have died & other changes). Since they did our wills originally, they will update them for $100 each, That’s a deal in my book! We don’t have much, but I want it to go where I want it to go!

      It would be worth checking your EAP for possible legal benefits.

      1. fruitcake*

        that’s a great price! I will need to update my will next week as last minor child will be a legal adult. Going to the same place that did it originally will be ~$500, but still a deal over the alternative.

      2. Sloanicota*

        Along the same lines, PLEASE review who the beneficiary is on your 401K, any life insurance in your name, or investment accounts. These decisions are often made in the moment and they are binding even if the rest of your will says something else. I have heard so many times of loving fathers leaving their families bereft with the 401K going to some ex girlfriend or estranged parent because he filled it out in his 20s and never thought of it again.

        1. PhyllisB*

          This reminds me of a question I’m trying to find an answer to. My grandchildren’s other grandmother passed away this week, and her partner told my daughter that she had listed the two kids as beneficiaries on her life insurance. (I don’t know how much money we’re talking about.) The problem is the children are still minors.
          My question is: can their mother oversee the funds until they’re old enough to receive it? And what’s the best way to safeguard these funds until then?
          I’ve been told that the insurance company will not allow her (their mother) to have these funds and they will not pay until the kids are old enough to receive it. So, what will happen to these funds? I really don’t know where to find answers to questions like this.

          1. Anono-me*

            Check the other state insurance commissioner’s website in the state where the othe grand lived. In the information isn’t on it, there should be someone that one of the parents can call to get help.

    3. Pocket Mouse*

      Seconding this. Also: name/update beneficiaries on all your financial accounts. Some states also allow you to name a beneficiary on houses and cars, which allows for a much quicker disposition than being handled as part of a will or intestate estate – usually called something like ‘transfer on death’. There’s a lot to handle when someone dies, and since we will all die someday, it’s a kindness to your loved ones to make these things as easy as possible on them when the time comes.

      1. Elle Woods*

        I second your suggestions. An aunt & uncle became very ill last spring. Not only did they not have a will, they also didn’t have either one of their kids (or their kids’ spouses) on any of their accounts. My cousins & their husbands spent many, many hours running around getting paperwork filled out, notarized, filed, etc.–time that could’ve been spent visiting with their parents/in-laws. It was a nightmare. Now, months after my aunt & uncle have passed away, my cousins are dealing with the resentment they have toward their parents for not having their affairs in order.

    4. Koifeeder*

      I 100% need to make a will, but I don’t even know where to start. What’s the difference between a will and a living will? Do I need to see a lawyer about it? Is this one of those things where I’ll have to explain why I’m making a will in my 20’s or will I not get a hard time about it?

      1. Just here for the scripts*

        NAL (not a lawyer)
        There’s LegalZoom which will have templates for wills of both types, for a nominal fee—the difference is in the name: a living will is for people to follow your directions if you’re alive but incapacitated (think coma) or alive but found to be incompetent (think institutionalized). A plain old will is for what to do with your stuff when you’re dead—it’s also the number one way to keep things out of probate/makes it easier for family to move forward after your death.

        And in states where being a joint owner of accounts doesn’t ensure the smooth transition of assets, it is also helpful.

        And no—it’s not age-dependent. 40 years ago in my early 20s I had my first will drawn up—didn’t have many assets but wanted to make sure my parents could move forward without issues (my grandmother had just died and they went through a lot, but less because they did have a will).

        1. Emma*

          And I would avoid legal zoom if you can. It may be better than nothing, but an attorney who knows the rules specific to your situation/your state would be better.

      2. fposte*

        A living will is decreeing what you want to happen while you’re alive but may not be able to give your opinion–you’re on life support, you’re on a feeding tube and oxygen, etc. A will is about what happens to your stuff when you’re dead.

        It’s not likely you’ll get a hard time about it, but it’s not always worth doing, IMHO, if you have no dependents and few assets. Every state has law about who gets your stuff if you don’t have a will. If you’d be fine with that disposition (look up “intestate succession yourstatename” to see the rules) I wouldn’t pay for a will. You can add transfer on death stipulations to things like bank accounts to make it easier.

        1. Oysters and gender freedom*

          That solves your problem, but not the problems faced by your friends and family after your death. Even if you have not got much money, someone is going to have to contact your creditors (credit cards, medical, etc.) and pay off your debts, access and close out your bank accounts, deal with your car, deal with your home and possessions (even if you are renting), deal with utilities and cell phone, etc. This is complicated enough for an executor named in a will, but I imagine it’s more complicated and more expensive if you have to be court appointed or otherwise roped in. At that point it will probably have to be a relative that does it and not a friend. And no one will feel like that person has a mandate from you, which just opens up the door for really petty bickering about possessions of no real value. A will is not for you, it is to help the people left behind.

          1. fposte*

            It’ll depend on the state, but in mine, no, nobody has to be appointed if it’s a small estate. You file a form, and the next of kin, who’d be the intestate heir, can handle the paperwork. Or they can opt not to, if the bills are greater than the assets, leaving the estate insolvent. And you don’t have to be an executor to pay bills; companies will take money from anybody.

            If there’s likely to be conflict, sure, a legal document helps. But I’ve had friends go through the intestate situation where it really wasn’t much different than if there was a will. And we didn’t probate my father’s estate and it was handled the same as it would have been were he intestate–divvy it to the kids.

            1. PhyllisB*

              My father told my sister and I he had a hand-written will, but when he died, we could not find it anywhere. We were his only heirs, but the bank made us put his funds in a trust and charged us $50.00 a year to oversee it. This was ridiculous because the amount of money was not very much. Maybe $10,000? I can’t remember how long we had to keep the trust, but I know it was several years. Of course, this was in the late 70’s, so things may have changed since then.

          2. Generic+Name*

            I agree that the will is to make things easier for those left behind. In my opinion, a will only make sense if you anticipate there being enough assets to distribute after any debts are paid off. My father in law was essentially indigent at his death. He had a “house” (more of a shack) that he lived in, but he had no assets in his name. He had no will, and it was fine. Husband’s family gets along generally, but there really wasn’t anything worth fighting over. There were a few items that were known to be given to certain family members, and my husband, the oldest, made sure folks got what his dad wanted them to have.

      3. Elle Woods*

        A will describes your wishes for what you want your estate distributed after you pass away. A living will describes what medical decisions you want made for you while you are still alive (medications, resuscitation, nutrition, breathing assistance, etc.).

        Personally, I think it’s best to consult with a lawyer for help with this. I also think it’s best to create these sooner rather than later. Once it’s created, you can update it too.

      4. Irish Teacher*

        I just went online, googled a few local solicitors, found one that had a “contact us by this” thing and messaged them about an appointment. They rang back and I told them I needed an appointment to make a will.

        You definitely don’t need to explain. The solicitor (or whoever makes out your will) is the only person who needs to know (well, and those who witness it) and it’s their job. They will be used to making wills for people of all ages. Plus, you are paying them. They’re not going to give you a hard time.

        They will also talk you through it. I was firstly asked about my assets – how much money did I have, did I own a house? Then asked about dependents, did I have a spouse or children? And then about how I wished to leave my assets. I did ask their advice about my little nephew and the best way to leave him something (as under 18s cannot inherit directly; not that I expect to die in the next 14 years, but…you can never be sure).

      5. Godot has arrived*

        I’m taking my kid to make a will next year, and she’s a teenager. I’m doing this through a lawyer. She’ll have enough money by the time she graduates college that the cost of making a will is about what the government will charge in probate fees if she died. (she worked her *ss off in high school and did really well in scholarships). While the gov’t does sort out where things should go if you die young, they do charge a fee- where I live it’s a percentage of the estate.

      6. WoodswomanWrites*

        FreeWill is a good resource that’s recommended by AARP as well as two places I’ve worked. Yes, it’s actually free and can all be done online.

        1. Glomarization, Esq.*

          I just did a will at FreeWill. I told it not to include a “no-contest” clause, and it went ahead and included the clause anyway. But maybe that was OK, because the rest of the will did not include the language that is necessary (or, at least, very advisable) in my jurisdiction for the no-contest clause to be enforceable.

          This was just one online will generator, and it (1) didn’t follow my instructions, and also (2) generated an unenforceable clause. I wonder how it handles anything more complicated.

            1. Glomarization, Esq.*

              I didn’t do anything beyond generating this inaccurate expression of my final wishes. I already have an actual will and other planning documents in place; I did this one only to see what it would produce.

              My point is just to warn people that even a “simple” will can trip up online will generators. The very basics you want in your will are that it be accurate, and that it be valid and enforceable in your jurisdiction. This one failed on both counts!

    5. WellRed*

      Americans! Also buy life insurance. If you can’t get it through work, your credit union, triple AAA or some other organization will offer it. Death is expensive and coffins and cremations can’t typically be paid in installments after the fact.

      1. fposte*

        No, but you can prepay them (if you’re the anticipated decedent); otherwise, assets that are transfer on death won’t have to be probated, so the executor will have those funds available to cover costs if you’ve got them. IMHO, life insurance is a last resort if you only want it for covering funeral costs.

        1. WellRed*

          My brother died at 49 with debt and few assets, nothing liquid except the cash in his pocket. The one thing he asked was to be buried not cremated. He was cremated and my retired mom had to put it on her credit card. A bare minimum policy would have helped. But I’m proud of the DIY send off we gave him ; )

          1. fposte*

            I’m glad you were able to come together to give him a goodbye. And you make a good point there with the debts–since life insurance usually passes outside of the estate, it would make money available even if the estate were insolvent.

      2. Anono-me*

        In the USA Credit Union memberships often come with $1,000.00 of free life insurance.

        I have two different CU accounts. I get a letter to sign up or buy more once a year from each CU for different insurancecompanies. No checkup required. I always sign up the free coverage.

    6. Oysters and gender freedom*

      If you are not able to give permission, the contacts in a living will/advanced directive are also pretty much the only people that doctors and nurses will give out information to. And the first named person is pretty much the only person they will call — I was second on my mothers advance directive and when I would call a doctor and ask for a callback, it would go to the first named person, who often couldn’t take in the details. It’s different if you’re married I guess but if it comes down to unofficial partners or close friends, they are SOL without the advance directive.

      I would also encourage people to have at a power of attorney set up with the bank on at least one bank account. My mother had a traumatic brain injury and I was able to get a power of attorney from her, but it got me nowhere — everyone wanted her to come in or sign papers giving me POA access. This is especially true with retirement accounts. In some cases, people have had to go to court to get access to retirement accounts for someone who is incapacitated and their own money is needed for their care. Making sure someone you trust has access to a few months worth of savings in an emergency is a really good idea. You can do a POA for a single account, or do a general POA and then use it to add your POA to an account. Banks often want you to be physically present together, while brokerages are more flexible.

    7. Just a Name*

      Also a durable medical power of attorney, a general power of attorney, and a living will. Without those, I could not have taken over my father’s financial accounts or made medical decisions for him when he became incapable of doing it due to dementia. Plus he had not designated a beneficiary on his bank accounts, which would have led to us having to go through probate after he passed. With the general poa, I was able to add myself as his beneficiary and they account remains were paid to me directly after he passed. With they general poa, I could use his funds to pay (in part) for his assisted living place. I was already the beneficiary on his small life insurance account. Fortunately my siblings trusted me (and I had been paying for more than half of his assisted living expenses), so no drama ensued. We paid for his funeral and divided up what little was left.

    8. time for cocoa*

      My in-laws died without wills, after long battles with dementia, in a filial responsibility state, with a dependent adult child. My life has been hell for a decade. Make a will, people.

      1. fposte*

        Oh, no, the dependent adult child. I see so many families heading for that cliff, blithely anticipating that something will work out for Grown Kid without their planning it. Usually I hear about it from another grown child desperately saying “I can’t get my parents to talk about how my sibling will be cared for when they go.” I’m sorry you got hit with that.

        1. WellRed*

          Seriously. It should be required by law and to me amounts to … parental malpractice (you know what I mean).

    9. BreakingDishes*

      Yes, have a will. My husband died a few weeks ago and we had revised our wills in 2012. I’m glad of that because it helped us think and talk everything through ahead of time and our decisions were written down. A number of relatives are making or revising their wills after being reminded that death may really happen and it will be a service to survivors to have things clearly laid out. I recommend revisiting your will periodically. Things change over time, children and grandchildren grow into adults and your will may need to change accordingly.

      1. OyHiOh*

        It’s remarkable how tragedy like this fuels survivors to do better. When my spouse died young and unexpectedly a few years ago, all my siblings (all younger than me) promptly did wills, and my parents updated theirs.

        Fortunately, my spouse’s estate was not complicated and we both had/have wills so everything was simple to resolve (not “easy” but legally simple), and I’ve been able to continue on without headaches.

      2. fposte*

        I’m so sorry for your loss, BD. I’m glad at least this the admin isn’t as bad as it might have been.

    10. The Prettiest Curse*

      Yes to the will and power of attorney-making advice. I’m in the UK and managed to include an advance medical directive in my health and welfare power of attorney. It takes at least 12 weeks to register power of attorney documents currently in the UK, so don’t delay making them for yourself and any family members who may need one.

      Also (switching to talking about the US here), if any family members have any type of trust, make sure it’s kept up to date and consult an estste lawyer in the event of their deaths. My late brother-in-law had a special needs trust, and we thought it would expire when he died. That turned out not to be the case, and because part-ownership of a family property was held in the trust, it delayed the probate process hugely for my mother-in-law’s estate when she died a couple of years later.

      Basically, once you have death-related legal stuff in place, it’s not over and you need to periodically review it to make sure it’s up to date (especially as it relates to your family members – births, deaths, divorces etc.) and reflects your current wishes.

    11. Firebird*

      To make things easier on my kids, I also made all of my financial accounts “transferable upon death” with both of their names.

      It’s funny what my brain picks to be annoyed about. My current lease says it has to be paid in full if I die. I want them to fight it, but will understand if they don’t. Chances are, I will live another 30 or 40 years because my family is extremely long lived. So I’ll probably be living somewhere else when the time comes anyway.

    12. Emma*

      If you have kids under age 18, make sure you also specify guardianship (ie who you want to take care of them if you and your partner, if you have one, both die, like in a car crash).

      This was the most important reason to me to do a will. Removing ambiguity in the event of a tragedy, and knowing our kid would be cared for.

      We have 1 guardian and 1 backup, both listed in our will.

      1. Anon for this*

        I freak out when I think about this. My husband and I have life insurance, but no idea who would take care of our kids if something happened to us. His parents are elderly, my parents are occupied full-time, my husband is an only child, and I don’t trust my sibling to respect the values we would want to impart on our children (e.g., sending to a certain kind of school). Our friends have their own kids…it’s a big ask. Idk man I just don’t know.

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          Couple bits of advice:
          Is there a person you would trust to advise the person making the decision? You can designate in the will that they should be listened to. Also know that the will in the custody context is all guidelines–naming “Ann” doesn’t guarantee that a judge will give Ann custody, it says “Hey future judge, as the parent this is what I thought should happen, at the time this will was made.”

          The relatives designated in our will were less politically aligned with us, but skilled at coping with the slings of life. e.g. They wound up becoming guardians for a friend of their son’s when his parents fell apart.

        2. Generic+Name*

          If your friends are at all close, please go ahead and ask them! I know I personally would take on any of my friend’s kids if it was that or they become wards of the state. I think them already having kids makes it more likely they would say yes.

      2. Clisby*

        We did this – chose my brother and sister-in-law, who my children would have felt good with. OK, not good, assuming we were both dead, but they would have trusted them.

    13. Anon for this*

      I wanted to add a comment for parents who need(ed) to pick a guardian. PLEASE do! And if the kids are old enough, maybe let them know the plan!

      My father died when I was 12. Fortunately he had a will, and my mother made a new one for herself right after. Then she sat down with me and the will, and showed me that if anything happened to her, I would go live with certain relatives (named in the will).

      This might sound like a lot for a kid but I was serious-minded and it was actually reassuring to know that there was a PLAN in place for what would happen to me if she died too. (And of course, the idea of my mother dying young was very real since it had just happened to my father.)

      YMMV depending on if your child(ren) can handle this kind of discussion, but it was a relief to me since I worried.
      (And after that was settled, I asked what would happen to my pets? After all, I was only 12! :) Keeping my dog was very important!)

      2. Falling Diphthong*

        I agree that knowing is helpful for a lot of kids. (I know who was designated for my sister and I, and told my kids who was designated for them.)

        Soooo much children’s literature about going to live someplace awful when your parents die, whether an orphanage or a series of mean relatives. That’s what they’re going off of if you don’t share any information with them.

        1. Anon for this II*

          Definitely! And back when I was a kid, so many Disney movies involved orphans! I look back now and think, What???

          I know story-wise the reason for orphans is because the author has to remove the parents so the kids can have adventures on their own, but still…

    14. just another queer reader*

      Just a note – my understanding is that one can DIY a will for free. I did this a few years ago using a template I found online, and had my neighbors sign to witness it.

      I have very few assets and so the low-tech route seemed appropriate. (Obviously would recommend an actual lawyer if you have a house, kids, etc)

    15. Glomarization, Esq.*

      Will, power of attorney, advanced health care directive, life insurance, and “letter of instruction” are the minimum of what I advise my clients. (The last is a document that is not part of the will but includes end-of-life instructions and/or information that will be helpful to your friends and family.)

      If you do a will from a template you find on the internet, or from a paid service like LegalZoom, then you risk introducing errors that make it actually impossible for your loved ones to carry out your wishes. Use search terms online will risks to think about what problems might come up. I’ll only add that, as an estate litigator, one of these days I’m sure I’ll have the opportunity to argue that a will prepared from a kit is invalid because there is no proof that the testator had the capacity to make the will.

      If you can’t afford a lawyer, call the local office of your Representative in Congress and ask them if they can direct you to a forthcoming legal aid clinic, seniors’ law project, or law school that helps lower-income people with estate planning.

      And finally, life insurance is a gift to your loved ones and I’m a total life insurance evangelist. Some bills can’t be negotiated or put on a payment plan, but life insurance payouts tend to come through quickly, aren’t usually taxable, and aren’t considered part of the estate (unless the estate is the beneficiary, which is unusual). It doesn’t have to be a huge payout to be a huge help for these immediate bills.

    16. The OG Sleepless*

      I already have a will, but after a young friend’s mom died unexpectedly a few weeks ago and left her with a giant pile of logistics to sort out, I made “The Hit By a Bus List.” I made bullet points with: the locations of both copies of my will and my life insurance policy, where and how to pay the mortgage and the utility bills, how to take care of the lawn, how to clean the floors, how often to change the furnace filters, basically anything I’ve been taking care of for years that I’m not sure I’ve ever told anybody else how to do.

      1. Sloanicota*

        The final step is to *tell* the people you have named a) that you have named them and b) where to find the information they will need to carry out your wishes. A medical power of attorney may not be useful if the named person isn’t aware of it to advocate for your needs. Your executor will struggle to manage your estate if they don’t have a record of what your accounts are and where they are held. Some people put together a binder of everything and then just make sure the right people know where it is, others have more communication.

  28. Scout Finch*

    I need help, y’all. My friend had many mental health challenges. She was often homeless, living in a series of group homes when there were openings. I would go months, sometimes 2-3 years, without hearing from her.

    I haven’t heard from her for about 2 years. I recently searched for her online & found an obituary (on the other side of my state) for her. It seems she had been in a secure mental health facility and had some physical health problems that led to her death about a year ago. She apparently did not list any emergency contacts when she entered the facility.

    There is one (somewhat overbearing) parent and maybe 1 sibling (who may or may not be in the family sphere) – no other family. The parent (elderly with heart & other health issues) has left a message, seeking information on my friend since it has been longer than usual since contact. How do I tell the parent? They are across the country from me & I fear exacerbating their heart issues. I hate to think of them getting this information alone, but I don’t know any of their friends or how to contact the sibling (who is probably not around anyway).

    1. Taking the long way round*

      You could day “I haven’t spoken to them in ages, but I believe they were in X facility”, and give them the number for it then leave it up to the parent. Slightly disingenuous, not not entirely.

    2. kina lillet*

      Can you give the facility a call? They might have a social worker on staff who can speak with the family.

      But it’s all right to send a message to the parent back, or to email them, saying something like, I’m afraid I have very bad news. I was also concerned about friend and I found this obituary. I’m so sorry—I have many wonderful memories of friend. My heart is with you.

      2. Scout Finch*

        Thank you. I am somewhat comforted that it was a natural death.

        I have spoken to the facility. I am halfway fearful of letting the parent loose on them. They were very nice when I spoke with them.

        I don’t have an email, but I think this gives me a start.

        1. Sloanicota*

          Honestly I would assume a facility such as that would be better prepared to handle difficult relatives than most people!

    3. the cat's ass*

      What a good friend you are. I’m so sorry for your loss, but you at least know what happened to her. I’d give the parent the name of the facility and let them take it from there.

    4. Anono-me*

      My sympathies on the loss of your friend.

      If you want to tell their parent as one last act of kindness for your friend; Do you know if your friend’s parent is a member of a faith group? If so, maybe reach out to their local faith leadership for advice/assistance. Otherwise, I would suggest reaching out to the local social work agency specializing in elderly issues.

    5. Emma*

      It would be a kindness if you tell them. I second the thing of also sharing a nice memory/letting them know that you also recently found out.

  29. Be the Change*

    Advice needed! My husband has some family friends in his home country who have a daughter in her early 20s. She’s a US citizen but has likely never much lived here since childhood. She is coming to the US to get started in her career and will be staying with us for a while (safe landing place).

    What can we do to help her get on her feet? Immediately, a few weeks from now, and a few months from now? What should we be thinking about otherwise as well?

    We’re in a high COL area with miserably poor public transportation but tons of employment opportunities.

    1. Falling Diphthong*

      Think about ways for her to connect to other young people (and people in general). Less of an issue if you’re in the city, more if you live outside the city in a quiet suburb with little public transportation, but good schools and playgrounds.

    2. PX*

      If shes never lived there as an adult, try and help her with “basic” cultural things that she might not be aware of! Depending on where she grew up, there may be more or less, but there might also be basic things like: opening a bank account, tipping (if she has grown up outside North America, tipping is not necessarily a common thing!!), driving (does she need lessons, does she need to convert a licence, does she need to buy a car), norms of renting the US/your city etc.

    3. Jay (no, the other one)*

      I’m in a similar situation. Our close social circle never gets it wrong. The wider community never does. After a few years of constantly correcting people, I decided that if I was participating as part of my family unit, either as Husband’s Wife or Kiddo’s Mom, I would let it go. I never identified myself as Mrs. Hislast but I answered to it. If I was participating on my own, I would insist on my last name. So when we first joined the synagogue as a couple I didn’t make an issue of it (although our membership form always read Myfirst Mylast and Hisfirst Hislast) but when I joined the Board, I made sure they listed my name correctly.

      And anyone who is using my professional title gets immediately corrected. I don’t mind being called Mrs Hislast in a social setting. I am not and never will be Dr. Hislast. And don’t even get me started on the mailings that came to us as Dr. and Dr. Hisfirst Hislast. That was the local Jewish medical society. I never responded. After a few years one of my friends asked why I hadn’t joined. I told her I’d never been invited. She said “I know you’re on the mailing list.” I suggested she look at the way I was listed and pointed out that they had invited the half of the couple with a geology PhD and not the one with the MD.

    4. Oysters and gender freedom*

      Health insurance. If she’s a U.S. citizen & has no income, she can likely sign up for Medicaid. There are organizations that can help, but you can figure out who to point her too.

      Do you know if she has a social security number? Unless she was born in the us she won’t have been issued one automatically. Getting one as an adult in the US is a big deal, can take months, and she can’t do much of anything without it. If she has time, it might be easier to apply in her country of residence. (Via US consulate)

      She’ll have to start her credit rating from scratch, you might be able to help her understand her options and avoid significant mistakes.

      Just pointing her to the right institutions to contact and helping her navigate a different bureaucracy will be very useful.

    5. Anono-me*

      Please make sure she understands the best safety practices for interacting with law enforcement, especially is she is visually a member of a disenfranchised group. For example, in many places law enforcement stays in the car and the person being pulled over is expected to get out and approach the patrol car; while in the USA, typically the person pulled over is expected to shut off the vehicle and stay put.

      Walk her through some of the more common USA scams; windows virus, extended car warranty, card skimming etc.

      Introduce her to people. Take her on a few walks around the neighborhood. Also introduce her at your local shop, garage, house of worship, etc.

      Help her find a primary care dr., a gyno, a dentist and eye doctor. (Preferably by lingual if English isn’t her first language. ) It is easier to change providers than to choose to start with one.

      There are probably expat blogs for people living in the USA that are originally from her home. There will probably be specific suggestions there.

      If she is from somewhere warm and you are in a colder climate; Please teach her cold weather safety. Walking on ice, frostbite prevention, avoiding carbon monoxide poisoning etc. (Also get her some wool socks.)

      Alot of how easy the adjustment will be depends on her English language skills, if that is not the primary language in her home. (Experienced something remotely similar. )

      1. Nutrageous*

        +1

        I heard a story about someone approaching a stop light on a foggy night. Where they came from, the lights were always at the edge of the lane, not across the intersection. The person pulled up right to the light – and that was a big mistake, to say the least.

        Take her on all your errands. Grocery shopping, post office, wholesale clubs, hardware stores, etc. so she can see what that looks like here.

        Make sure she has your phone number and address memorized.

        Set up a bank account.

        Outlet adapters.

        Go to McDonald’s. I know this sounds ridiculous, but McDonald’s is everywhere and tailors the menu to local tastes. It’s an easy way to see what is considered quintessential fare in your locale.
        On a similar note, hit up Dunkin Donuts too. Cafe con hielo in Spain is not the same as iced coffee in the US.

        Invite friends over for dinner so she can glimpse your social interaction norms.

        Have an open discussion that cultural customs are viewed and accepted differently. It’s not a reason to change the nature of her behavior, but some things may require upfront conversations. For example, most people wouldn’t bat an eye to someone calling an afternoon break “tea time”, but being an Islamic worshipper should be discussed with a supervisor so arrangements can be made.

        Start looking for a vehicle. Or even a bike (not ideal weather right now, I know), just so she can get around, see things and regain some independence.

        Figure out what some of her downtime comforts are, like food or rituals. It’ll give her a bit of her old home life if she’s feeling homesick. And share some of yours.

        Best of luck to you both!

    6. E*

      Help her with her resume. In many other countries people include all kinds of things that would read way out of touch here / like a legal liability (age, family status, nationality, picture)

    7. Emma*

      If you’re able to, work with her on getting a learners permit and practicing driving, omif she’s not used to that.

      Stock up on some foods that are familiar to her, maybe order some brands from her area online.

    8. just another queer reader*

      How exciting! I agree: transportation, health insurance, bank account, credit card, drivers license, and resume review.

      Nice to have: library card, register to vote, phone plan?

      And also, since you’re bringing a new person into your household, I’d recommend having an explicit conversation about household expectations. Do you expect her do do chores? (Consider making a chore chart.) Not leave dirty dishes in the sink overnight? Can she bring guests over, and should she ask first? Maybe she’s super conscientious and doesn’t need a lot of guidance, but if you have expectations, best to make those clear.

    9. Be the Change*

      Thanks everyone! A more specific question, what’s the best way to help her get started building credit and ability to rent her own space? Should we have a lease agreement? We’re certainly not charging rent, would a nominal rent work?

      1. Observer**

        Anything relatively low cost that she can pay for herself (even if someone else is giving her the money.) So, a cell phone (which is a good idea, anyway) that she pays for herself.

        Open a bank account IMMEDIATELY. A credit card as well. Using the bank she has an account at is often the easiest way to go, even if it’s not the “best” card. The other way to get a credit card is to get a “secured” card. It looks like a credit card to the world, and generally has a fairly low credit limit. The key is that someone needs to put a certain amount into an account that acts as collateral if the she doesn’t pay the minimums. These cards are especially designed for people who have either no or poor credit history – it’s low risk for the lender, but allows her to establish that she can handle credit.

    10. Friendly Dragonette*

      In addition to all the essential things others have suggested, make opportunities for her to have fun. With you but also without you. Does she like to make things or do art? Find her a crafting or art class (only if she wants it, of course!). Does she like to hike or do other outdoors activities? Find a group that’s doing that. Etc. Fun ways for her to have fun solo and possibly also make some friends. The web is good for finding groups — meetup is one way. If you don’t already know her well enough to know her likes, ask her what she likes and if she’s vague, find out what she does for fun at home. Also, dancing is fun and a great way to meet people. It’s maybe risky now that there’s COVID around, but swing dancing seems to be “in” again, and folkdancing and contradancing (which has rightly been called “the most fun you can have with your clothes on”) exist everywhere. As do electronic dance venues, which may appeal to her more. If she seems to have an altruistic bent, let her look into volunteer opportunities. This can also help forge contacts that result in jobs.

  30. JSPA*

    The cats are normally in the US, as are we, except when we (all) travel.

    Various Google results give the 2022 standard US range as,

    “average between $50 to $300” and “$100-$400.”

    I’m not saying that you shouldn’t pay whatever it is that you have to pay. I am saying that your numbers may be on the high side for the person posting the question.

  31. SayMyName*

    I come from a socially conservative faith tradition (think Catholic levels but not quite Mormon levels). I did not change my last name. People refer to my husband and me as ths HisLastNames. Signing us up jointly for things under his last name, announcing an event as being at the HisLastName’s house. I feel erased.

    My husband is also not gung-ho about this—he was a little hurt about my choice, but never argued with it because he feels since he wouldn’t be willing to change his name, he couldn’t fairly ask me to change mine. (Which is a reasonable position IMO!)

    Should I let this go because I’m in this cultural milieu? Is there any way to push back on this without giving myself a reputation for being annoying or Making A Statement, or feeling like I’m embarrassing my husband?

    1. RagingADHD*

      Why are other people signing you up for things? Why are they writing up the announcements without your input? I think this may be bigger than the name thing.

      How do you want your household referred to collectively? The construction “The Somethings” is so common and so easy by default I don’t think you can police the use of it entirely, but you should be able to decide what the Something is. Maybe a hyphenate?

      I’m in a similar milieu (at least as I perceive your description), and while a lot of people would do that by default without thinking about it, I can’t imagine anyone doing it on purpose if I told them otherwise. They wouldn’t consider it embarrassing to my husband at all. We have a lot of women in the congregation who are doctors, lawyers, executives, etc. Most of them use their husband’s name socially, but they wouldn’t think it to be some kind of Statement not to.

      Consider what would happen if you spoke up when other people speak for you, or pre-empted them by getting your message out first. Would that be a major faux pas? Would it create tension that you aren’t prepared to deal with?

      Or consider what would likely happen if you spoke privately to a senior person or committee leader about it. Would they, as an individual, listen to you and make the effort to correct the tendency in others?

      Whether or not it’s worth pushing back on depends so much on the cultural context and your own temperament. Focus on individuals you know, rather than on The Community as an amorphous thing. Think about how they’d respond individually.

    2. Dark Macadamia*

      I think “oh, it’s Mrs. Yourname” or “the His and Yours house” in a pleasant voice when it comes up is a gentle way to push back – aim for the tone you’d use if someone said “at the meeting on Thursday” and you correct them that it was Wednesday. Maybe get a cute custom welcome mat or sign that includes both last names?

      I have a relative who always addresses cards to “Mr. and Mrs. Hisfirst Ourlast” and it drives me crazy. I DID take his name but not the first one! I know that’s how it used to be done but why can’t it just be Hisfirst and Myfirst Ourlast?

      1. Sloanicota*

        My very old-fashioned mother strongly objects to “Mrs. (your own last first name) lastname,” as she claims this would imply the lady in question was married to herself. But personally, I DETEST “Mrs. (his first name) (last name)” as if she is his accessory or something.

        1. Dark Macadamia*

          I think technically Mrs. Hers Hers is for divorced women? So it would be DREADFULLY offensive to imply you are A DIVORCEE, gasp!

          I hate it and I feel like even if you care a lot about outdated etiquette you need to at least default to calling people what they want to be called.

    3. Liminality*

      I recognize that this is not quite the same, but my first name is uncommon enough that it is rarely ever understood over the phone or in noisy environments. (Think Laurena being heard as Loren, Lena, Anna, etc…)
      I have given up on correcting people unless it involves a long term billing issue or a repeating social situation. Not because I feel my own name is unimportant but because I have more enjoyable things to do with my time than quibble over spelling and pronunciation with people who I my never met again.
      All this to say: is only intestate when it’s important. If painting both your names on the mailbox helps with your sense of self and ownership do it. If the names on the joint account are never spoken aloud because it’s pulled up by the phone number save the brain space for more pleasant thoughts. And when guests show up for the party you can take the opportunity in the getting-to-know-you stages to clarify your preferred manner of address.

    4. RagingADHD*

      Hit send too soon. One family that used separate last names actually constructed a collective name out of their first names to use casually with friends.

      So if (for example) he was Bob and she was Mary, they were The Bomas, or we were all going to The Bomas’ house. I can’t even remember how it started, they were just always Bob Smith and Mary Jones, aka The Bomas. They could have been the Maybos, but the letters really didn’t work in that direction.

      Then they had a baby, we’ll call him Charles. They became The Bomachucks. Everyone knew who The Bomachucks were and thought it was adorable. They’ve since moved, and I still mail things to The Bomachucks by that name. It gets delivered.

      That might feel too silly for you, but it’s just an example of how different temperaments might handle it.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        In my social circle, some of the households with multiple last names have named their households. One polycule is The Tower, my household (three last names here) is Dunbroch. (For us, it’s also useful in that house shared accounts, streaming services and the like, all are registered to the same dunbroch@ email address, that’s the name of our group chat, etc.)

    5. FashionablyEvil*

      I didn’t change my name (and honestly LOATHE the tradition of women taking their husband’s last name, but that’s another post entirely), but my approach is to pick and choose when I bring it up. If someone introduces me with my spouse’s last name, I just cheerfully say, “oh, I’m Myfirstname Mylastname.” I also model saying things like, “We’re looking forward to the holiday party and Bill and Mary’s!” (as opposed to calling them the Browns.)

      My general rule of thumb is: Anything that comes up with my husband’s work or hobby space, I leave alone. If it’s my friends/my work/my hobby, I make a point of correcting.

    6. Kay*

      The first time it happens – oh its actually Kay LastName, continues with conversation. After that it is a varying level of – Are you looking for his mother? No one here by that name! What is wrong with my name? Did Husband get a new wife and not tell me about it?- which if I’ve had the conversation before, and depending on how well I know people, can get jokingly feisty.

      The best is when my husband steps up and says things like “Why are you trying to get me in trouble with my wife!? Calling her by the wrong name isn’t going to go well for either of us! Its Kay KaysLastName! She has her own name and since it wasn’t broken had no need for mine.

    7. Samwise*

      No, don’t let it go.

      People can do this correctly *if they want to*

      My grandmother had a 6th grade education, was conservative politically, and pretty conservative religiously. Also not a particularly kind or thoughtful person, often quite mean. She was in her 70s when I got married. Asked me once why I did not change my last name. I explained, she said “it’s very strange to me, you modern girls are so different.” And she *never* got it wrong.

    8. Samwise*

      LOL, just to add … my favorite mis-naming was when my son was young. It’s the south, children are expected to use polite titles for adults. So I was “Mrs. [son’s name] mom” for several years. Around 3rd or 4th grade, children are expected to use an adult’s correct last name. They had no trouble getting it right.

  32. fruitcake*

    Here’s a (likely) unpopular suggestion: cut caffeine. I had a revelatory moment(week?) this year, when I got to sleep alone in my bed for the first time in several years. I slept wonderfully! I cut back to one cup of caffeine in the morning per day. I love black tea, this was *hard*. The other thing I changed was to try to get *in* bed by 9, to read and hopefully drop off to sleep by 10-ish. (I do have a tablet that I do play games on or surf, but I try to limit screen time). This has *mostly* worked. I still have 1 or 2 nights a week of really bad sleep, but having filled up the “sleep bank” helps a lot. And 2 night bad sleep/5 nights good sleep is much much better than where I used to be.

    and, of course, sleep study for partner, ear plugs/phone with silicon ear plugs playing relaxing music for you.

    2. Jean Pargetter Hardcastle*

      Not an unpopular suggestion – but I only drink about 4-8 oz of caffeine a day, sometimes none at all, so I’m not sure it would help. But! My wife could probably cut caffeine, or at least cut it later in the day. It doesn’t keep her wide awake the way it would me to have, say, coffee at 3 PM, but maybe it’s working in the background to keep her from sleeping as well as she could. Thanks!

  33. Bad Gifter*

    My immediate family has a very strong gift-love-language; I do not. I find giving and receiving gifts to be a bit of a hassle and would prefer to spend quality time together, but I have been called “a grinch” when expressing this (ironically, I believe that’s the … opposite of the moral of that story?? They would better call me a “scrooge” right?). One problem is that my mother’s birthday is in December and my father’s and sister’s are both in January, so I need several excellent gifts in a row. I do think my mother is the driver of this gift-y-ness, with my sister inheriting. This year my mother turned 60 so I agonized over a “good enough” extra-special gift. My traveling to be with them is not considered the gift, and anything else I do (take them out to dinner, plan an activity) is extra: the GIFT is the thing that is opened to oohs and ahhs in front of everyone and must be special. I have noted that things that don’t wrap well, like tickets to something, or something shipped home, is not as favored as an ITEM in a BOX that is opened there. Well, despite my having planned the gift with my father, I don’t think she loved it. She preferred my sister’s gift. Now I’m confronted with Christmas and I’m totally out of ideas. I’m also extra-poor this year so it’s not as if lavish expensive gifts are my jam; I’ve had to lean on super-extra-thoughtful-but-not-pricey as my niche. This year my plan is just to support a really good shop, like a local book store or a local artist’s gallery or something. Nobody is going to like my gifts anyway so I might as well spend the money on something that helps *someone,* right? What is your favorite sustainable small business that uses the money in the community?

    1. Pool Lounger*

      The NPR podcast Hidden Brain had a recent episode about gift-giving and the psychology behind it that might give you some ideas/insight!

      In addition to local stores, I like shopping from smaller museum gift shops and shops that support temples and monasteries from my faith tradition. Many charities have shops too. I’ve found nice large silk scarves from museum gift shops (the Met has a bunch) to be impressive, appreciated gifts.

    2. Ins Mom*

      I agree you would do as well helping someone else. You will feel better about the whole thing. Don’t feel like a bad gifter though. Your mom and sister are setting the bar unreasonably high. You just be yourself, let them feel whatever…

    3. Godot has arrived*

      is it possible to have a conversation with your mum? Just say in kind words what you’re saying here: you feel that the excitement over a gift is the measure of how much she loves you & you can’t compete with your sister? Then say things about gift giving isn’t your love language, and see if the two of you can find a way where you both feel loved?

    4. Double A*

      I do 80% of my shopping at small local shops. I basically buy stuff that I think is cool. Small art galleries often have more craft type art, like ceramics that can make great gifts.

      Local jams and jellies can be good gifts as well if you live in a region where that’s a thing.

      Jewelry is something you can almost always find locally made and maybe likely to find something that is to their taste.

    5. looking for a new name*

      I would try to find the BEST of whatever she already uses, even if it’s in a very small container. So, if she uses olive oil, go to the specialty oil store and get a tiny bottle of Very Special infused oil. Or honey – there’s a local honey place around here and you can get a small jar for not too much money (but way more than “regular store-bought honey) and it’s SO DELICIOUS. Fancy tea bags or coffee. Imported foods.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        This is an insightful combination–e.g. someone who usually buys nice cheese won’t be excited by the Hickory Farms assortment, but will probably be intrigued by a local wedge of something they’ve never tried. Someone who rarely eats cheese would be much less excited to receive cheese.

        Local specialty food and kitchen supply stores are good for this stuff.

    6. E*

      This is a lovely sentiment. Not sure how the BuyNothing community is in your neighborhood, but just also wanted to put in a plug for seeing if some items you think your family may appreciate could be sourced there. Sustainable, and I’ve been amazed at the things I’ve been able to find here in NYC (admittedly a large market where ppl try to get rid of a lot of things!)

    7. Observer**

      Why not get something she might like and then go all out with the packaging?

      Like someone got me a tea collection. The box it was in was more interesting to me than the tea. If I were into physical gifts and the unwrapping thereof, I think I would have appreciated really nice wrapping and a gorgeous bow or something like that.

      1. Me ... Just Me*

        Exactly! Beautifully wrapped gifts add extra charm to whatever is given. I understand Bad Gifter doesn’t like gift giving (so very evident from the tone of the post), but for those of us who love both giving and receiving, a wonderfully presented package is a joy to receive. I would go with something small and unique, wrapped beautifully.

    8. Samwise*

      “Bad” Gifter, I’m so sorry your family is making you feel bad about holidays and gift-giving. Give yourself *this gift*: recognize that your family is being unkind to YOU, because even when you try, it’s not good enough.

      Maybe it’s time to have a talk with mom about this (since she seems to be the worst offender). Tell her how hurt you are when she rejects or looks down on your gifts. It sounds to me like you put a lot of thought into choosing gifts, but that your family does not recognize the effort, nor take the gifts in a good spirit.

      And for this year, especially since you don’t have money to spare, your idea is a good one.

      Big hugs to you, I’m so sorry!

  34. Modesty Poncho*

    You guys might know – I was reminded of an old letter but I can’t find it searching through the archives. Does anyone remember the one where the manager was annoyed that their call center employee wouldn’t lie about the timeline for their deliverables?

  35. Dark Macadamia*

    What gifts are you excited to GIVE this year?

    My family is going to Disneyland in a few months and we decided to tell the kids by giving them “tickets” (cute printables from Etsy). Also, there are these inflatable ride-on unicorn things I saw online two years ago when we lived in an apartment, but now that we’re in a house with a yard I think Santa will finally deliver them :)

    1. Kathenus*

      I got my dad and stepmother a photo 3D etched inside crystal from a company called Masterpics – just got it and it’s really pretty cool. Not cheap, but they had a good sale recently. Looking forward to seeing their reaction as they are VERY hard to buy for.

    2. Irish Teacher*

      Nothing massively exciting, but I’m sending a friend two books I’ve loved and one of which is very much her kind of thing, in unusual ways (OK, to be clear, it includes both gender identity issues and history of the church issues, two things that she is interested in and that are not usually combined, especially in the way they are in this novel, where the “hero” is both religious and supportive).

      I finally got my brother a tie I tried to get him nearly two years ago, for his birthday. Brexit issues; the company has only now resumed sending to the EU (I had literally ordered it and they cancelled the order due to complications).

      Oh and I got a friend who is into Lord of the Rings this really awesome book of artwork from Middle Earth.

    3. Amber Rose*

      I pre-ordered a book for my husband in MAY (got it in November) and I know he’ll love it and I’ve been dying to give it to him for most of 2022. XD

      I also bought a wooden block puzzle thing that plays Baby Shark when you put in the blocks for our friends’ 1 year old daughter, because I’m slightly evil.

    4. Jean Pargetter Hardcastle*

      I took my son on our annual shopping trip to the thrift store yesterday. His idea of what the people on his list will like are always so different from mine, and it’s such a delight. I can’t wait for my wife to open the extremely phallic coral reef candle he decided to get her because she “loves candles and I think she likes coral reefs, too!”

    5. Double A*

      I am very excited for Santa to bring our family two beautiful books written by Daniel Kwan, one of which is illustrated by Felicia Chiao, an artist I love. My husband and I love “Swiss Army Man” which was co-directed by Kwan. And our kids are, you know, kids. So the books are a lovely combination of personally relevant to all of us, which is pretty cool considering our kids are 1 and 4.

    6. AlexandrinaVictoria*

      I have a friend who is interested in starting a Mediterranean style diet, so I put together a gift box of Mediterranean spices. It let me feed my spice buying habit and it was fun choosing which ones to get.

    7. the cat's ass*

      My DD wanted ouji lolita clothes and accessories and i found some great ones!

      My DD by another mother and her partner are FINALLY getting to take their long-delayed trip to Japan, so they are getting yen. Lots and lots of yen!

      My fellow GS leaders are dog moms and they are getting the equigroomer de-shedder for both of their wonderful but very sheddy boys.

    8. KatEnigma*

      We are leaving a week from tomorrow on a Disney Cruise with my parents that’s a Covid-delayed trip for their 50th and our 20th anniversaries, that happens to fall during my 50th birthday. So that’s the big ticket item all around.

      But Santa is bringing my 5 yr old son a Bruder truck that squirts real water! A thing I have wanted ever since I read about it in the first Bobbsey Twins book when Freddie got one for Christmas. Clearly it’s from Santa, because no way would I get something for him that is going to cause me so much trouble. ;)

    9. RagingADHD*

      Hamilton is coming to town. They already know, but it’s still exciting. None of us have seen it live before.

    10. Bluebell*

      I quizzed my nephew relentlessly and found out he’s been enjoying curries lately, so I ordered him a set of Penang, red, and green curry sauces. My niece is getting more candy from Iceland, because she screamed with joy when she got that last year – we went to Iceland together pre-pandemic. My birthday twin is getting a fun cocktail set which includes ingredients for a Grinch margarita.

    11. Porch Screens*

      I was finally able to snag a Playstation 5 bundle online right before Thanksgiving. While we both game, this is primarily a gift for my husband and he has no idea. Can’t wait to see his reaction to unwrapping the PS5 game my mother got him (with my help) and realizing there’s a console waiting for him at home :)

  36. Face Mask Clutter*

    Do any of you still use cloth face masks or are you saving your cloth face masks?

    I was cleaning out my closet, and am agonizing over what to do with my cloth face masks. I have about 25 of them because I was wearing them daily for a long time. When I switched to a new job about a year and a half ago, I was only allowed to wear surgical face masks in the office (I don’t work with patients, but work for a health-related organization). I also bought the KN95 ones to wear in public. I haven’t worn the cloth masks since then since the disposables are supposed to be better.

    It was hard to find cloth face masks that fit my small face well, and I feel like I need to keep them in case something happens some day where the disposable ones aren’t available anymore. But I also know saving things for “some day” is how you end up accumulating clutter!

    Has everyone already moved on and thrown them out?

    1. Kathenus*

      I’m doing the same as you – using surgical masks or N95 style depending on the circumstance when I mask, but definitely I’m keeping the cloth masks I liked in case needed again in the future. Easy to keep and store so I’d rather have them around if needed than regret having tossed them at some point in the future.

    2. Sloanicota*

      I think I will pick one or two favorites to keep for the next pandemic, as I think cloth worked better than nothing – but I would not keep 25, as a pack of surgicals would probably be better to keep on hand.

    3. Irish Teacher*

      I still wear cloth masks for everyday – when on public transport, in busy shops or work stuff or going to the doctor or a chemist. I tend to keep the better ones for things like…well, going to shows or hospital appointments, things I do a couple of times a year.

      1. kr*

        they’ve determined cloth masks are very ineffective! please get N95s or K95s or, barring that, surgical masks. the cloth masks do very little.

    4. Dark Macadamia*

      I keep a couple cloth ones in my car in case I lose or forget to grab a KN95 and the rest are in a box somewhere. I think of them as a keepsake of a weird time (although also, ugh, it’ll never be truly a thing of the past, will it?) and honestly they’re cute because I made holiday ones and let my kids choose fabric for theirs lol. I figure they don’t take up much space and they don’t do more good in a landfill than they do in my closet!

      2. Ampersand*

        That’s such an interesting idea—I don’t know if I would want to be reminded of the pandemic when using said quilt, but I also see the historical (I’m not sure this is quite the right word) value in making and having it (also it’s practical if you have material you don’t want to waste).

        It’s the sort of thing I can imagine being in a museum in the future. Please let us know if you end up making it!

    7. Falling Diphthong*

      We threw out all the ones that don’t fit well. Saved the ones I made that my spouse likes (he has a long face) and when we all got covid at Thanksgiving he broke them out again.

      A couple of months ago I had moved them from a bowl by the door to the basement; we still have a box of surgical ones by the door.

    8. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      I use N95s or similar now, but I hang onto my cloth face masks to wear over surgical masks in case of emergency where I’m stuck wearing a surgical mask — the cloth masks smooth down the gappy sides of the surgical masks to make them a bit more effective.

      I have also used my cloth masks as emergency hand towels when I am out of clean ones.

    10. Pay No Attention To The Man Behind The Curtain*

      I’ve kept mine but moved them into storage bins in the closet. I keep a cloth one in the glovebox in the car just in case, but I use surgical masks in public. I’ll thin the lot down eventually because I have 3 “waves” of cloth: first wave was homemade at the beginning when I couldn’t find or buy any kind of mask and used whatever cotton fabric and ribbon I had — so they are 2 layers of quilting weight and tie behind my head; 2nd wave were cute and fun when cloth masks and elastic were suddenly all over the internet and I was trying to keep up my morale; third wave were just well-fitted, basic black masks because they were comfortable and I was tired of wearing “cute” masks — those will be the ones I keep.

      Even though cloth is not effective for the latest COVID variants, they are still useful for pollen, dust or smoke.

    11. Courageous cat*

      Yes, I have thrown them out. Please do not agonize over something like this. It doesn’t deserve to take up much space in your mental landscape at all. Keep one, throw out the rest.

    12. RagingADHD*

      I made a whole bunch of them to custom fit me, with special fabric and extra nonwoven filtration layers. I hate the smell of disposable masks, so I’m going to keep some on hand for when we are sick with colds/flu but have to go out to get food/pharmacy, etc.

      I haven’t been through the bag yet to curate them. There are some less-good ones that could be thrown out. It just represents so much of my time and effort, it’s hard to let go of.

    13. Manders*

      I bought a LOT of those at the beginning of the pandemic and wore them to coordinate with my outfits. I haven’t thrown them away yet because you never know when we might have another pandemic where surgical/N95s aren’t readily available (and cloth is not great, but it’s better than nothing) and also they can be worn over surgical masks if you like to dress them up. But currently they live in the back of my bra drawer.

    16. fhqwhgads*

      I kept them but store them, in case there ends up being a shortage again. However, as soon as N95s were consistently available, my household switched to those. Especially since delta and omicron, since fabric is practically useless against those, and really only better than nothing.
      I might wear one of my fabric ones over my N95 potentially, but if I did it’d be for fashion reasons, not anything practical.

    17. Kay*

      I’ve kept them, and while I don’t use them like I used to I still use them for a few things.

      Most often – when I get my hair cut. If I don’t want to toss an N95 because it is now full of little hairs, a cloth mask it is!

      When double masking under an N95. When working in dusty situations – outside in dusty conditions, when cleaning, etc. Also keeping a few spares around in the event I forget my N95s. They aren’t as good, but they are still better than nothing.

    18. 1LFTW*

      I still have my two or three favorites. I wear them over other masks (like reusable KN95s or particle masks) to keep them cleaner, and to protect other people if the reusable mask is valued (like a P100).

  37. Forensic13*

    Has anyone ever had a live (as in with roots) Christmas tree? We have a big yard and want to start getting live trees the size of our toddler and planting a new child-size one each year, but I haven’t had a live tree since I was really little. Any tips?

    1. fposte*

      I’m a big fan of planting trees! But it might work better to decouple this from Christmas, or limit the Christmas portion to decorating an already planted tree. You want a kind that really thrives in your area, which may not be the Christmas shape of choice (I love pines, which tend not to be happy in my region), and they’re usually best purchased and planted in spring; also in most areas they will need to be watered throughout the summer for the first year or two. And think about the size they’ll eventually get when you’re planting them and space them accordingly.

    2. time for cocoa*

      We used to do this, until we woke up to a writhing black ceiling one year. Check very, very thoroughly for spider eggs.

    3. Mrs. Pommeroy*

      Christmas trees in a pot are very used to a warm environment, so acclimatise the individual tree to the colder environment outside very slowly and deliberately before you plant it. If you have a colder but enclosed space (enclosed porch, sun room, …) put the tree there for a time after it has been in your living room. Then into an unheated but still enclosed space (garage, garden shed, …) and maybe put it outside during the day once it gets warmer. Only plant it in the spring and after any night frosts.

    4. KatEnigma*

      My parents tried this. The trees always died, even though a friend owned a Christmas tree farm and we had an unheated sunroom to use to acclimate the tree until it could be planted in the spring. He finally told my parents that it’s just really hard to get them to grow, and he honestly doesn’t recommend it.

    5. Forensic13*

      Thanks for the responses! I’m surprised to hear this, as my grandparents definitely did this for years when I was little and they were NOT the sort of people to buy a new pine and pass it off as the original Christmas tree if the first died. We have a greenhouse where it can overwinter, so I suppose we’ll try it one year and do something else if it doesn’t work out!

    6. Phillippe II*

      I’ve done it a couple of times, but I live where the trees are native to, so they do fine when moved outside.
      Keep your house as cool as you can stand it while the tree is inside.
      As others have said acclimate it. You might want to keep it potted in the porch until spring, depending on whether your ground freezes.
      Before you decide to plant it, it’s there enough room there for its full size? Spread and height?

    7. Pay No Attention To The Man Behind The Curtain*

      My parents did this one year when I was a kid. They still live in the house I grew up in and now have an enormous blue spruce in their suburban back yard in SoCal that’s now sadly dying from our drought. It doesn’t belong in this ecosystem. The thought is good but the practice of using non-native plants where they shouldn’t be can be bad. It’s certainly not going to be an invasive species so that’s not what I mean, but “christmas trees” don’t stay small, and depending on the species, they can be a big messy nuisance, or even danger to the house or neighbors if you live in windy, stormy, earthquake or wildfire prone areas. But the spruce was nice-looking before the drought got to it and we did love watching it grow.

    8. Cacofonix*

      I tried this with a spruce tree in a very large pot on a rolling platform. We’d roll it to our window and decorate it each Christmas. It never really thrived. After a few years of stark decline I finally cut it out and the roots were besieged with ants. My local nursery told me that this is very common with potted evergreens.

    9. Giftern*

      We have done this successfully, to contrast these other responses. Step one is maybe compromise on the kind of Christmas tree you might have otherwise preferred, to pick one that is good for your climate, ideally native. When I lived in Michigan, we had white pines as Christmas trees. They do well there planted outdoors, in fact one has been growing ever since I planted it as a child. Here in the Midatlantic, I have had good luck planting junipers, which are not the typical Christmas tree but do well in our climate – I also a rosemary tree that thrived after Christmas. It takes some work to know the conditions a tree will like – full sun? How much wind? Any soil conditions? But it can be done – just perhaps not with a gorgeous balsam of douglas fir in every state.

  38. Not A Manager*

    I’m going to bake a panaforte next week for a friend who is vegan. The recipe is vegan except for calling for 2 tablespoons of butter to boil with the honey glaze. (My friend will eat honey, but not butter.)

    This is a very small amount of butter and it should be no problem to substitute an oil for it. Panaforte is basically a flat thin fruitcake made with a lot of nuts and some candied fruit peel. For this substitution, would you use coconut oil (my usual go-to when substituting in desserts), or would you use a neutral oil like grapeseed oil?

    1. E*

      Hmm coconut oil texture wise might be better but would definitely leave a flavor. So it depends on whether you think the coconut flavor would go with the dish. Another option would be to buy a vegan butter substitute like EarthBalance, but not sure if you want to buy a whole thing just for a few tbs.

      1. KatEnigma*

        My parents tried this. The trees always died, even though a friend owned a Christmas tree farm and we had an unheated sunroom to use to acclimate the tree until it could be planted in the spring. He finally told my parents that it’s just really hard to get them to grow, and he honestly doesn’t recommend it.

    3. LNLN*

      I would use coconut oil, because it is solid at room temperature, like butter is. So I think it would make a better butter substitute. Good luck. I love panaforte!

  39. Annie Edison*

    I feel like this is a weird question and I can’t quite find the right wording but:

    Could you share what areas of life you feel mostly good about, and what areas you’ve let go or struggle with? I’m thinking of things like “I’m in a really good place with my career and I have a few hobbies I enjoy, but I’m terrible at keeping my house clean” or whatever it is for you.

    I’ve been on a kind of self -development kick the last several years of trying to get my mental health in order and then leveling up my adulting skills. But I’ve ended up with really unrealistic expectations for myself, where I feel like I should be able to have a rewarding career, be financially stable, travel a little, stay physically and emotionally healthy, cook, and keep my house clean and well-decorated.

    Writing it out like that I can see that it’s obviously not possible to do all of those things at once, but I can’t convince my brain of that fact.

    Most of my close friends live far away and we only catch up once a month or so, which means I get sort of a highlight reel and it’s easy to think everyone else is doing all those things all the time and I’m the only one struggling.

    So – help me rebalance my brain with stories of how you balance (or don’t balance) competing priorities in your life? Or more generally- any tips for getting my brain to accept that it’s OK to let things go sometimes?

    1. fposte*

      Perhaps an insight from a different perspective: when I retired, I thought “I’ll finally have the time to do [long list of things from obligations to pleasures].” And it turned out it wasn’t having to spend time at work that kept me from making myself lunch fresh every day and seasonally decorating my house; I just didn’t want to enough to do it. I draw on the economic theory of revealed preference–that it’s what I do, not what I say, that shows what it is I really want. And if my house could be perfect by waving a wand, I might have a perfect house, but I don’t want it enough to actually spend that time to get there. So for me thinking of it not as a struggle but the expression of my preferred use of time was really helpful. It reframes the question from “Do I want to be the kind of person with Christmas lights on my house?” to “Do I want to spend the time to organize and hang Christmas lights?”

      More years have living helped a lot too, in that it was clear that the way I lived was working fine for me and I wasn’t going to raise my quality of life by washing my towels more often or making sure my counters were clean before bed. But I’d say the more you can focus on how rewarding you find what you’re doing with your time rather than on what you should do or feel like you’d like to be somebody who did, the better off you will be.

      1. Annie Edison*

        ooh I like this except… the problem I keep running into is that I really want to be that kind of person. I want to be someone that works out regularly and makes myself healthy food. I know I feel better when I do those things, and I know I can do them because I do them sometimes. It’s just that 90% of the time I get overwhelmed with feeling like there’s so many things I could or should be doing, that I do want to do, and end up freezing up and going for the easy option.
        (I’m pretty sure there’s some intersections with anxiety, burnout, and possible ADHD intersecting in there)
        But still- I think focusing on what I am chosing to do, and how it makes me feel, rather than on what I could/should be doing, might help free me up a little

        1. fposte*

          Yeah, things like getting exercise are areas where doing it is a personal good in the way that Christmas lights aren’t. And of course all this is very individual, but maybe you can let go some *other* stuff that you like the idea of but don’t actually want to do.

        2. Manders*

          I feel you 100% on this. Lately I’ve had the epiphany that working out for 45 minutes 3-4 days per week feels really good and doesn’t actually take up that much more time in my overall schedule. I didn’t go to the gym for years, but since I got my Omicron booster I have gone to the gym 3 days per week regularly, and honestly I forgot how good it feels to get a regular workout in. Endorphins are real! And for food, I try to cook a healthy meal most of the time, and I don’t worry too much about what I eat when I go out (which is maybe 2 meals per week). Since I live alone, I can stretch my food out (like I make oatmeal on Sunday for my Mon-Thu breakfast and divide it up into 4 containers). In the end, it’s not perfection but just trying to do a little better, most of the time, that works for me. I’m never going to be a fitness buff or a supermodel, but doing *some* better choices when possible is better than doing none.

        3. Person from the Resume*

          For exercise part of it is the right exercise for you ie what you enjoy.

          It’s funny I found a very early morning group 5 minutes from my house that last for a bit over a year. And I thought the key to my success was it was only offered once a day (can’t procrastinate it later) and I had a 4 weeks on, 1 week off cycle (so I would show up every day during those 4 weeks cause I knew a week off was coming). Then the class ended.

          I tried jazzercise and utterly failed. I joined and never went wasting my money.

          But I’ve recently joined a cross fit gym and it’s not the multiple classes a day or the built in breaks. I like that type of exercising, 1 hour classes, trainers you get to know. I don’t go in the mornings any more, but I’m happy to head out right after work.

          And I like cycling somewhat, but not enough to do it consistently for exercise apparently.

          Just you need to figure out what works for you because if it’s always unpleasant you’ll not manage to make it a routine. A class? With friends?

      2. BreakingDishes*

        Love this. It makes so much sense. I thought that when I retired that I’d take up doing housework again and get rid of our cleaning service. After about 6 weeks and no cleaning, I called the cleaning service to come back. I’d just rather do other things.

      3. Giftern*

        Omigosh fposte the same thing happened to me a few years back – I had the opportunity to scale back my day job (waaaaay back) for a year, and thought I’d finally do all the niggling little life tasks that I had been totally failing to get to. I think I honestly believed it was only time limitation that was keeping me from achieving these tasks, which is insane if you know me, and the amount of time I waste every day. Surprise, with less day time work I didn’t accomplish a darned thing that I didn’t want to do. I did accomplish a bunch of stuff I really was excited to do, none of which was especially life-critical. Because that’s the kind of person I am.

      4. Giftern*

        I was once in therapy when the therapist talked about the relationship stool (meaning, they had three legs) – family, friendship, and romantic relationships. I prefer to think of this as a subset of another three legged stool: work, leisure, and relationships. I tend to think one leg will always be a bit wobbly, but one wobbly leg and two good legs is still a decent stool. If I thought two or three legs was wobbly, I would probably try to refocus and shore them up. But in my thirties, I accept the wobbling of one.

    2. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      LOL, I’m not sure I’m in an excellent place with anything!

      Career: adequate but stalled. Paid better than before, but still underpaid, and I am burned out.

      Friends: pretty good, but the pandemic has taken a toll. We talk on the phone, but it has been years since I have seen some of them in person due to covid. My closest friends also live far away and have kids that take up a lot of time, so I don’t get that hangout time even in non-pandemic conditions. The pandemic has made things worse in that it has cut into my casual hang-out time with acquaintances and colleagues.

      Hobbies: pandemic has taken an awful toll. I don’t want to go back to my musical group until we have better prevention and cure for long covid. I miss everyone, and I miss playing music with them. I have done a lot of reading, though.

      House cleaning: variable, but tending towards somewhere between rather sloppy and yuck!

      Cooking for myself: Better than before the pandemic. I’m not usually cooking healthy for myself, though.

      Dating and Love: an almost-forgotten dream . . . .

      Anyway, maybe my life is more messy than most, but I’ll bet most of the people you know have at least an area or two in which they’re not where they want to be. Like they say, don’t compare your insides to someone else’s outside.

      1. Annie Edison*

        Thank you! I keep trying to tell myself that, but my brain can’t seem to convince itself. Hearing it from others helps get the message through sometimes

      2. Courageous cat*

        Out of curiosity, have you considered virtual therapy for any of this? Many of these facets you listed you said were deteriorated/negatively affected by the pandemic. I think, given that science seems to agree it’s not going away – much like the flu, there might be value in trying to find a balance where you are getting social interaction again but still not putting yourself in a very high risk situation.

        Mental health is more important now than ever, and sometimes it’s worth finding that balance in order to have a fuller/happier life.

        1. SaltedChocolateChip*

          As someone in a similar boat in many ways to Squirrel Nutkin (though with friends nearby who I do see, mostly outside), I would encourage you to read more about the prevalence of Long COVID and the extremely serious impacts it can have on young healthy people. COVID is not like the flu, and while society has decided to treat it that way, suggesting therapy for people who have made the decision to continue taking precautions doesn’t sit right with me. (And I say that as someone who is in fact doing virtual therapy in part to cope with all the stressors, personal and societal, of the last several years!)

          There is certainly a balance to be struck — I’m starting to venture indoors with my N95 when I wouldn’t have before, though gosh wouldn’t it be nice if more people out there were masking too! — but since our governments have decided we are on our own to evaluate risk levels, if someone has decided something they previously enjoyed is not worth risking heart issues, thyroid issues, chronic fatigue, or brain damage (all things that can come with a supposed “mild” COVID infection), they’re totally within their rights to do so. And may in fact be more mentally healthy than people who have decided (with no evidence for it) COVID is not a risk to them, or that it’s such a small risk to them they would rather act like it’s nothing — especially since those folks don’t always care if their actions put someone who is demonstrably vulnerable at risk.

    3. fruitcake*

      For me I get two things that I get to focus on. So: (1) is job, and (2) is hobby. Right now my hobby is knitting. That means: basically no exercise and almost no house-cleaning. Sometimes the hobby is exercise. That means: no TV, almost no reading etc. On weekends, I very very occasionally will have cooking/housecleaning as a hobby – that means no exercise etc. When I have a hobby, it doesn’t
      mean I do it every day – maybe I’ll knit for 6 hours this week, for example.

      I think you are being a bit optimistic in how much to get done. As for how to convince your brain: maybe some mindfulness? Like, in the moments you think you should decorate more, you say to yourself that no, today I picked reading as my hobby. Maybe next Thursday I’ll feel like decorating, but I’m really enjoying my romance/murder mystery/fantasy book, and I’m choosing to make that a priority now, brain.

      1. Annie Edison*

        This makes sense! Can I ask? Do you sort of rotate through which two things you’re focusing on? Like some weeks it’s job and hobby and then other weeks it’s job and exercise, for instance? Or just pick two and mostly stick with them?

        1. fruitcake*

          Absolutely, I rotate! not quite week-to-week, maybe more month-to-month or season to season. In the summer I basically never knit or cook or clean. I’ve spent about 6 weeks focusing on knitting (to get one specific project done) and … I’ve got about another week to go, then I’ll put that aside for a few weeks. But, it’s ski season! so my weekends will be taken up with that for awhile.
          The other thing I try to do is incorporate exercise (because I really need more) into my daily life – for me that was my commute. I was lucky that I (had) good bike paths into work, so for a little extra time in the day (compared to driving) I biked to work. Or, I went for a walk at lunch. So, I try to look for chances to bike/walk etc.

          1. fruitcake*

            And, also there were times where I pretty much phoned it in at work to focus on hobbies. So, I’ve also de-prioritized at times.

          2. Annie Edison*

            OK yes, this seems workable. I think if I can frame it more as choosing to focus on a few things for a brief season and then I get to rotate, I can trick my brain into not feeling like I need to do all the things, all the time

    4. Dark Macadamia*

      I’ve been thinking a lot since going back to work about that saying “Cheap, fast, good – you can choose two.” For me right now it’s “family, work, house” (we moved over the summer so this still includes moving tasks like painting and fixing things along with regular chores and holiday stuff). So on days where I do something fun with the kids and need to finish some work stuff at home, the house is a mess. On days when I spend a lot of time cleaning I either don’t get work done or don’t hang out much with the kids. Etc.

      Notice this does not include doing things for myself!! I’m trying really hard to kind of rotate the things that I want like exercise, hobbies, and relaxation because the family, work, house things really do need to happen pretty regularly.

      1. Dark Macadamia*

        A friend posted this poem yesterday and it really resonated, hopefully it at least makes you feel a little seen too?

        A Poem for Someone Who is Juggling Her Life

        This is a poem for someone
        who is juggling her life.
        Be still sometimes.
        Be still sometimes.

        It needs repeating
        over and over
        to catch her attention
        over and over,
        as someone who is juggling her life
        finds it difficult to hear.

        Be still sometimes.
        Be still sometimes.
        Let it all fall sometimes.

        – Rose Cook

      2. Annie Edison*

        OK this makes me feel a lot better! I recently moved as well and am now living with my partner and his two kids, and it turns out going from living on your own with no kids to living with a partner and two teens is quite a big change.
        And even though my partner is wonderful and does more than his share of housework and parent stuff, there is still a significant time commitment involved in figuring out how we all fit together and keeping up a house of four people.
        So maybe I need to give myself more credit for the work I’m doing to figure all that stuff out, and recognize that it also means letting go of some things that were easier to fit in when I was living alone.
        Also, that poem you shared below is beatiful and brought a tear or two – thank you

    5. Girasol*

      Some people say “If you look at your schedule you’ll see there’s plenty of time to do it all,” but really, it’s not about time. A person only has so much will power, and you may be spending most of yours on your career. I did when I was was at toxic job and I felt like I barely kept my head above water on life in general. Sometimes that’s all you can do. Now that I’m retired I can focus on eating right, exercising, developing long neglected hobbies, volunteering, catching up with friends, keeping the house clean and repaired…all those things that I felt I ought to be doing when I was working. Spend your willpower on whatever is most important to you and let the rest slide. If you see someone who’s able to do it all, they’re just hiding the part that’s out of control and hoping you won’t notice.

    6. Filthy Vulgar Mercenary*

      I’m wondering if you could use the gestalt empty chair technique and journal about what this part of you is worried will happen if you don’t push yourself so hard?

      Here are the ‘six Fs’ (click on each one to get a description of the questions) https://integralguide.com/50+Permanent+Notes/+Toolkit/+IFS+Toolkit

      And here is a list of meditations if you prefer to listen to someone guiding you through this process instead: https://integralguide.com/50+Permanent+Notes/+Toolkit/+IFS+Toolkit

    7. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I’m in a good place with my career, I travel several times a year and pay my bills and have some savings and live with a husband, a brother and two dogs and I’m pretty darn happy all around, BUT I am a huge introvert and literally haven’t left my house in ten days. And I don’t vacuum or clean my bathrooms often enough. So while my social life is perfectly fine for me, most folks would probably say that’s where I come up short. Social interaction and house cleaning.

      1. Giftern*

        To me, there’s something almost pathological about equating housework with the entirety of a social life, but I hear it a lot (not that you are saying that, as I would expect that living with a husband and a brother is already social engagement). I hope I never weigh doing unpleasant chores as highly as the combination of my friends, family, and romantic relationships! I want to be “good enough” housekeeper at the minimum of effort to achieve that – but I want to be deeply and authentically in community with all the people I love or value as a number one life priority!!

    8. Cendol*

      Ooh, interesting question. I’m in a great place with my career, my side-hustle is also going well, my spouse is the light of my life, we recently purchased a house…and my diet and exercise routine are in shambles, I’m completely out of touch with pop culture, and I have no close friends.

      I don’t think it is possible to do it or have it all. That idea is a fantasy built on scaffolding that no longer exists (if it ever existed in the first place). I don’t have a dedicated house-spouse, enough money to have a child or enough family to help raise said child while spouse and I both work full-time; I don’t have enough time to work full-time *and* write *and* exercise *and* cook three healthy meals a day. Forget learning to play the guitar or finishing that knitting project and forget catching up on Interview with a Vampire. Forget meal prep: I want to spend my weekends doing other things!

      Book rec for you: Oliver Burkeman’s Four Thousand Weeks: Time Management for Mortals. It’s more pop philosophy than self-help, but it offered an interesting perspective shift.

    9. Giftern*

      Good question! Career – “good enough” (I’m making a living and not miserable, plus my career is a net social good – so, check, even though I could be doing a LOT more and when I read this blog I feel like a real career slacker. My job is NEVER my priority). Family – great. Friends – great (I have old friends I love and stay in touch with enough that I still feel connected, but I also have new friends in the community that I see a few times a week, and my weekends generally involve at least one or two rotating social engagements that also let me meet new people). Taking care of myself and my environment – eeep, lotta room for improvement here, but also not what I really care about. I did manage to buy a house which is a huge accomplishment for me, but I don’t ever manage to spend as much time on it as I plan. Hobbies – check, I was able to publish a novel which is a life goal, and I am able to spend enough time reading/writing because I downgrade the other categories. That said, from the outside, others would probably judge my overall success as very low, because I’m not married (at nearly 40) and have no children, nor do I expect to have either. Personally I’d give myself a B+ and I’m happy with that.

    10. Generic+Name*

      How often are you on social media? I think your knowledge of you seeing everyone else’s highlight reels is spot on, and yeah, it’s not possible to have everything perfect in every sphere of one’s life. Plus, some things just don’t have the same level of importance. Like, is it really more important in life to have a perfectly clean and organized well-decorated home than to have healthy relationships or good physical/mental health? For me, that would be a no.

      To give you a personal example, to folks who don’t really know me, it might look like I have a pretty ideal/perfect life, but there’s a fair bit going on that only those closest to me know about. I have a great career, just got a promotion, I’m happily married to an amazing man, and my child is a delight. I have a large and fairly nice house. BUT I’ve spent the last handful of years constantly fighting with my ex in court (he doesn’t like paying child support, among other things). I don’t want to, but the court system basically rewards adversarial behavior. So I’m tens of thousands of dollars in debt in order to keep paying my lawyer.

      Also, when will you decide that you are good enough? Self improvement is a nice goal, but sometimes it’s okay to sit back and say “I’m satisfied with my life and I can enjoy it”.

    11. Person from the Resume*

      My work is very good.
      Exercising is great (since I joined a CrossFit gym in August so I’m still in the honeymoon phase with it)
      Friends are good although I wish I had more time for friends (crossfit cuts into it)
      House is extremely untidy (partially because my intentions to craft something rarely happen). Not clean but not too dirty but stuff piles up. So I will have a very busy week prepping for a party. Stuff will be stashed out of the public spaces in the bedrooms.

      I am on my phone too much with mindless surfing. Obviously that eats into time to do stuff. What are you instead of what you want? If it’s something like that you can try to replace the “bad” habit with a good one, but maybe there’s not enough hours in the day for everything you’re imagining.

    12. Samwise*

      I am a truly excellent parent, and have been at every stage of my son’s life. I worked hard at it (and I also surprised myself with how much of it was actually easy). I think this is the thing I’m very best at.

      At work and in my personal life, I’m seen as someone who listens carefully, who genuinely cares about others, who can help you solve problems but am not personally invested in you doing what I suggest; you can always count on me.

      I’m a terrible housekeeper and I just really do not care about clutter (dirt and grime, ick, but untidy? yeah, I don’t care). I used to mop the floors, then I had a baby and said, “this is ridiculous, I’m too tired to do this and I just don’t care,” now my husband does it.

      My career did not go as I originally planned, for external and personal reasons, which was hard to reconcile myself to. Watching my boss and TPTB deal with the pandemic (university academic adjacent) finally put an end to my disappointment with myself, because I realized I was so glad I was not having to deal with those problems and not to have to spend the ridiculous amounts of time they spent on it.

    13. Me ... Just Me*

      Objectively, I have a wonderful life and have so many positives. Subjectively, I have chronic pain issues that make the wonderful life I’ve worked hard to create less wonderful. If I could go back, I would prioritize my health more and keeping my body truly functional. I’m nearing 50.

      1. Job — I make more than enough to live comfortably
      2. Married to a wonderful man and have five 2o-something kids.
      3. House is decently clean but can get cluttered at times
      4. Socialize mostly with family and that’s fine given my introverted nature
      5. Health — stable but in constant pain. This clouds all of my physical undertakings.

    14. Cedrus Libani*

      I’ve had that struggle with “not enough”, and what helped was actually leaning into it. I’m not getting a B+ in Enough, such that maybe I could have tried a little harder and gotten the A. It’s so much worse than that. Asking a human being to Be Enough is like asking a pigeon to do calculus. The problem is too big, and we are too small. All of us.

      Once you’ve accepted that you are a tiny little speck in a great big world, you can start to think about allocating your very limited capacity in the best way possible. Keep in mind, when you say yes to something, you are saying no to everything else. Yes to doing the dishes? You just said no to going for a run, calling a loved one, practicing a new skill that could get you a promotion, etc. You have to prioritize, and ruthlessly at that.

  40. So Very Tired*

    Given the state of (lack of affordable) childcare, et cetera, are only children more and more common nowadays? Piggybacking on my Fri AAM post. Decent dual income household, daycare more than mortgage, one car, and curious to see how others survive babyhood phase.

    1. Flowers*

      I don’t know about common but it’s something we’ve decided mostly because of lack of family help. More than reliable childcare, it’s the lack of family support that’s driven our decision.

      We’re both older (37 and 43), work full time, and our 2 year old has some delays so she’s in early intervention and it’s been difficult to schedule/arrange everything. We come from cultures where joint family is common; everyone I know with multiple kids and “good lives” have strong family support. Even though we have daycare, it’s only 3 hours a day/3 days a week. When she’s getting sick every few weeks or wakes up late because she stayed up all night, there goes that day at daycare. We firmly believe that a third person is necessary to help with a child which we unfortunately don’t have. As much as I would love a sibling for her it’s not in the cards for us unfortunately.

      1. Giftern*

        Ironically it’s possible that in other eras the other, older children *were* the third person for the younger kids. I don’t think we’re comfortable with that model anymore though, rightly so.

        1. Flowers*

          That’s a good point. I’ve read about parentification. And true to that, the eldest daughter is considered a second mom in our culture (and same actually goes for eldest son = second father). Anecdotally I would say it becomes parentofication when it’s more than 3 kids/2 siblings?

          1. SoloKid*

            Parentification can happen with an only child that needs to be the main source of support for a parent at a young age, too.

        2. Samwise*

          You don’t have to go back very far either — that was certainly my role in the 1960s and 1970s. Politically and religiously liberal family, too.

    2. fposte*

      I looked this up, and there were some interesting figures in Statista (I’ll post in followup). The average family size has floated between 3.13 and 3.18 for the last twenty years, after a big drop from 3.67 in 1960 (a lot of this will also be the rise in single-adult households with and without kids, not just the reduction in numbers of children).

      But if you look specifically at the number of children below 18 in households since 2000, the only child number hasn’t changed a ton. What’s changed more significantly are households with no children (up) and households with three or more children (down). This isn’t broken down by any regional, educational, or other demographic and because I don’t have an account I can’t see what their sources are, but it doesn’t seem tied to any particular agenda.

      2. Filosofickle*

        I will be curious to see the stats evolve. My uninformed hunch is this pattern will hold — while some people are making the decision to have fewer children in these times, there are people in every generation who have chosen similarly based on economics / environment / family support / careers impacting them. I suspect we won’t be seeing major shifts like the 1960 drop. But I could be wrong!

    3. PsychNurse*

      I don’t know but I have an Only, by choice, and I just adore it. Three people is the perfect little family; he’s 11 now and I’ve never for a moment regretted my choice.

    4. Dancing Otter*

      I don’t think it’s solely an economic decision. With people waiting longer to have children at all, the window for having more children narrows. And the physical strain of pregnancy, childbirth and caring for small humans does not get easier with parental age.
      I love my daughter, but I wouldn’t have gone through age 0 – 4 again for anything on God’s green earth.

    5. Happyholidays*

      We planned for 2 and then had twins. Daycare is an excessive amount. I can’t wait until everyone is in school.
      If I had been sensible I would have stuck to one. But I sure do love all this chaos. They are such distinct people. One is the family extrovert and watching strong social skills develop is really interesting to observe (clearly not my talent). I feel very lucky I get to have this experience.

    6. Emma*

      I think so. I think birth rates have fallen. I don’t know if only children are more common, but it may just be that more people have 0 children.

      1. Emma*

        And I think that this will continue until there’s more support for families. Things like paid family leave, subsidized daycare, etc. And more coverage for infertility, as many people opt to have kids later for career reasons.

        1. Ali + Nino*

          Perhaps, but my understanding is that even in countries where there is infrastructure to support families, many women are opting not to have kids. I specifically remember reading this about Germany, but again, can’t remember the source.

          1. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

            Almost all of Europe has a birthrate lower than the US. And the highest birthrates worldwide are in the poorer and more wartorn countries in Africa. Which probably means government support is not the deciding factor. The ladies in Niger (highest birthrate in the world) are certainly not having 6 1/2 kids each because of abundant resources.

            Honestly, the birthrate looks to be roughly inverse to the level of government social services. Which is probably correlation not causation, but it’s still interesting.

            I’d be curious to see what the birthrate in Ukraine does with the war.

        2. BurnItAllDown*

          Or, if you’re in the USA, until our new House majority has succeeded in making contraception illegal again!

          I guess that’s cheaper than supporting day care, family leave, etc…. At least on paper it’s cheaper….

    7. Fellow Traveller*

      We have three, and when I told my brother (who lives in a high cost of living area) that we were expecting our third he said, “Around here, people who have more than two kids are either rich or irresponsible.”
      Well, we aren’t rich, so….
      We were “lucky” in that because of child spacing and then the pandemic, we’ve only ever had one child in paid daycare at a time. I will say we are also “lucky” because my In Laws passed very young (and unexpectedly) and we were able to pay off our mortgage with the money they left us.

    8. time for cocoa*

      Many of my friends who are parents have an only, and they seem to be heavily influenced by their own albatross siblings. A lot have major drama and constant problems, be it substance abuse or failure to launch or brushes with the law. I’m not sure if they think putting all their efforts into one child will make it turn out “right” or if they want to lower the chances of making a “dud” (tongue firmly in cheek here) but several have mentioned at one point or another over the years that they envy my lack of siblings. So, it definitely seems to be a response to their own childhoods.

      1. Giftern*

        Interesting! So many of my friends who had more than one child specifically cited the need for sibling relationships to be a major factor, like they wanted their kids to have siblings, or can’t imagine their lives without their own siblings. That always weirds me out a bit, as the second child – like, did my parents have me just to be a playmate and enrichment for my sister?? Kinda explains a lot actually!!

    9. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

      Yeah, this is the kind of thing you REALLY need some big statistics for. The sample size here is way too small and way too biased toward people with interesting stories. There’s no way to get an accurate pole of the AAM readers, much less any large population.

    10. Generic+Name*

      I have one son. I badly wanted a child when I got pregnant, so I figured I’d wait until I felt that way again, but I never did. Now I’m remarried and I had that feeling again with my new husband, but we’re both in our early 40s and it hasn’t happened yet, so my son will likely be an only forever. I’ve mostly made peace with that. I’d love to give my husband the opportunity to have his own child, but my son is 16 and we’re looking at having an empty nest very soon, and the thought of starting over for another 2 decades now seems not very appealing.

    11. Person from the Resume*

      IDK, but also it seems like todays kids get more attention than I did as a kid.

      My nephews are in a year round sport that actually only had a few weeks off from training year round. Travel sports weren’t really a thing 30 years ago where I grew up.

      My friend spends time with her kid so far as watching a raunchy cartoon he loves, she hates and playing video games which my parents never did. We kids occupied ourselves at home while my parents were there, but they didn’t play with us. We played with each other, our cousins, or occupied ourselves. OTOH we basically ate dinner as a family every night so we had regular family time.

      It seems different than it used to be, but I only have a small subset of friends with kids so maybe that’s just them.

    12. Samwise*

      I have just one child (who has never, not once, expressed a desire for a sibling).

      We had thought to have a second child, but by the time our son was about 2, I was 41.

      As it turned out, our son had cancer as a child (not one that is curable, but it has been manageable, eventually), has developed a serious disability from it. I have to say, having only one child to think about while pouring time, energy, attention, and money into medical care for that child was a blessing — I did not have to worry about not spending enough time, energy, attention, and money on another child, nor to feel I was neglecting another child.

      1. Me ... Just Me*

        I had a sibling who was chronically ill throughout childhood. I remember spending time in hospital waiting rooms or missing my mom when she was gone with my sister to the hospital for long periods of time. I had a happy childhood, but it definitely was colored by those experiences. My sister passed at 15. I was eleven and my brother was 13. My brother and I are still extremely close, though.

  41. funShirts*

    I’m looking for cute graphic t-shirts, size 3X, with cute pictures of animals, flowers, plants, nature. Any suggestions?

    Thanks,

    1. Dark Macadamia*

      I really like Keep Nature Wild, an Arizona small business that has nature-themed apparel mostly focused on the SW and PNW. Comfiest tees I own! I wear women’s 18/2XL in most brands but have found their unisex XL fits me best.

    4. Ash*

      I’ve only used them for my kid but TeePublic is a shop with lots of designs that people have uploaded- a quick search for floral designs came up with a lot of results and they go up to 5x. I used it when my son was very into a specific and unusual dinosaur to get him a shirt with that dino on it.

  42. Flowers*

    Any suggestions for chocolate cake? I made a cake out of box mix and I get bored with the same thing really quickly. I had one portion with chocolate frosting….anything else I can add or mix with? I have dried fruits, will be buying fruits in regular grocery shopping tomorrow, cool whip, ice cream, and cereal.

      1. Flowers*

        Oh that’s a good idea. I was looking more for flavor/add ins I guess? Like, instead of buying tubs of different flavors of frosting (they’d all go to waste) I thought I’d get creative.

    2. Sitting Pretty*

      Mini trifles! Use the whipped cream, fruit, nuts, chopped up candy with layers of cake. Make each one a little different if you need more variety. Warm up caramel sauce to drizzle over, or slice a banana and make a kind of cake sundae with ice cream. Fancy glasses or mugs make these extra decadent!

    3. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

      Caramel is really easy to make and even easier to buy. Add some toasted coconut for a German’s style.

      If you have booze, rum or whiskey or most any liquor would be good in a simple syrup to get it moist again when it dries out. Or I bet you could mix it in the cool whip.

      Any of the tarter fruits go well with chocolate. Or buy some jam and have a chocolate trifle with the cool whip.

    4. Pennyworth*

      Add 6 ounces of melted dark chocolate to the mixture for decadence. A little cayenne powder can give a subtle zing.

    6. Angstrom*

      Cayenne or chipotle powder plus cinnamon gives a lovely heat. Nutmeg works with chocolate. Dried cherries. Diced candied ginger. Reducing the sweetness can enhance the chocolate flavor — if you’re starting with a mix, adding unsweetened chocolate or cocoa powder can help.

    7. Angstrom*

      For frosting, a nice simple one is mixing cream cheese and sour cream and then adding powdered sugar to taste.

    8. Chauncy Gardener*

      You can use maple cream as an additional frosting

      You could also cut up some of the cake and make a trifle-like thing

    9. AvonLady Barksdale*

      Was the $6 bottle generic and the $15 brand name? Was one Motrin and the other Tylenol? You might be comparing apples to oranges– they may seem like the same product, and essentially they contain the same/similar ingredients, but you will always pay more for Kool-Aid than for store brand fruity drink. Supply and demand is a thing, it doesn’t mean you’re getting gouged.

    10. allathian*

      How about a tiger cake? I bake from scratch, but you could buy a box of chocolate cake mix and a yellow cake mix or lemon flavored cake mix. Mix the cake batters as usual and make two cakes, layering the chocolate and the yellow cake mix. If two cakes are one too many, you can freeze one of them once it’s cooled down.

    11. Silence*

      I recall someone posting about a coworker making NSFW moans over chocolate cake with cherry pie filling substituted for the liquid in a box cake mix.

  43. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

    I don’t think I’ve seen a Little Joys thread, so let’s start one! What’s something that has made you happy this week?

    My new boom box that has cassette and CD players in it arrived, so I can listen to my old music, and a friend found where I can stream *Death in Paradise*, which I’ve seen a few episodes of and am quite enjoying.

    1. PsychNurse*

      My son (10 years old) is going to a birthday party for his friend (10 year old girl). I didn’t know what to get her. She’s into Harry Potter and I just found the most adorable little music box that plays the theme to the Harry Potter movies when you turn it. She is gonna LOVE it.

    2. RagingADHD*

      Much joy today! Friends we were super-close with for years before they moved overseas are visiting, so we redded up the house. And we had a matinee show of a local theater company’s Holiday Spectacular, and it was fantastic. Far higher performance and production quality than anything we’ve ever seen produced locally. A really fun day.

    3. Chaordic One*

      I sort of follow the music group, “Scott Bradlee’s Postmodern Jukebox” and found out that one of the group’s recordings (which featured the singer known as “Puddles Pity Party”) was used for an advocacy commercial sponsored by an English Department Store. It was really cute. At the start I was thinking, “Where is this going?” and then it had a surprise ending, that actually made me feel a bit verclempt. I’m going to post a link to it in a follow-up comment.

      2. Esprit de l'escalier*

        I got a bit of joy just now from your comment when I figured out that “an English Department Store” is not a gift shop connected with a university-level English Department, which is how I first read it, but a department store in England. It’s the kind of misreading that makes me smile.

    4. Rara Avis*

      The holiday assembly at school. Favorites: the little kids danced to “Stretchy Pants.” The medium kids danced and sang “My Latke Recipe.” (My kid says it’s set to the tune of a famous song but I didn’t know the original.). Some of the big kids sang “The National Weather Report.”

    5. Firebird*

      My new phone finally showed up. The first one I ordered has apparently been sitting in the FedEx truck for over a week and no one can find it, so I had to order another.
      Now I need to verify that I’m not being charged for both.
      It’s nice to finally have a phone that holds a charge and not have to plug in the charging bank every time I want use it. Also, it’s a pretty sage green instead of black and will be easier to find when I misplace it.

    6. carcinization*

      Yesterday my husband and I had dinner reservations with a couple we are friends with. We’ve known the woman since the turn of the millennium, and her husband for several years now. Sometimes we do birthday or holiday gifts with them, sometimes not. Usually instead of going out to eat, they have us over to their house for dinner, and they usually have a lovely spread with nice bread/cheese/olives as appetizers, dinner with a couple of courses, etc., and we just bring wine or dessert. So we decided to “give back” for Christmas this year since we were meeting at a restaurant, and went to the nice cheese shop in town that we’ve been telling them about, selecting a couple of good cheeses, a gourmet chocolate bar for each of them, a collection of fruit spreads to have with cheese, etc. Lo and behold, when we exchanged gifts, they’d had exactly the same idea, though they were shopping at a different store at least! Through all of the years, we’ve never duplicated gifts before or given these types of things to each other as gifts, so it was amusing/fun that this happened for sure!

  44. Laura+H.*

    Little Joys Thread

    What brought you joy this week?

    I had an ok week and the weather has been decent.

    Please share your joys.

    1. fposte*

      I saw The Lume art exhibition Monet and Friends. I had seen the Van Gogh version and thought it was fine if a bit gimmicky, but this one, I thought, was much more effective; there was a lot of focus on the Impressionists painting people doing stuff, and to have nineteenth century Parisians floating by life size was genuinely immersive. Plus the floor turned into a koi pond when the exhibition focused on Monet’s water lilies.

    2. the cat's ass*

      I went to the Asian Art Museum’s “Kongkee Warring States Cyberpunk” installation and it was a trip.
      Also got some ginger honey in the gift shop that is delicious.

    3. WellRed*

      Finally got the tree and started decorating house. Feeling simultaneously festive and frustrated. The tree is ever so slightly crooked and I’ll have to recruit help tomorrow to tweak it. Smells wonderful though!

      1. Sitting Pretty*

        We got our tree too! Put it up today and strung the first of the lights. I chose a littler tree than usual and I absolutely love how well it fits in the nook by the balcony door of our smallish condo. A chill Christmas music mix is streaming right now and I’m cozy in my chair doodling in a sketch book while colored lights twinkle all around the living room.

      2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        My husband put up the lighted garland last week – we put a garland with lights around the living room instead of a tree because the cat likes to steal my soft ornaments, thinking they’re full of catnip, then when she finds they are not she gets mad and drowns them in the water bowl :-P anyway, I got the ornaments up today, and some other decorations and wrote out all my winter holiday cards to mail. Felt very accomplished.

    7. WoodswomanWrites*

      I love big storms when I’m nestled inside and cozy. It’s been raining recently after the long drought, and today was a huge storm dumping water. The wind was so strong that it shook the windows, and the raining sideways metaphor was actually happening.

    8. Bluebell*

      Two bougie purchases arrived this week – a fancy humidifier and a queen-sized bamboo flat sheet. Spouse and I have a double bed, so a larger top sheet is really nice in winter.

    9. StellaBella*

      Finding more music by Kiefer Sutherland. Love his work and band.
      Sleeping 9 hrs each night Fri and Sat.
      Cleaning my apartment after two weeks of being too busy at the weekly place to do this.
      Talking to a friend today for 30 min.
      Getting my secret santa gift pack together. We had a max of 20$ to spend so bought 5 fancy beers, a can of fancy tinned fish, jar of fancy olives, box of crackers, and fancy Welsh cheese for my giftee.
      Making a chocolate cake from scratch and roasting a chicken.
      Walking in the sun today.

    10. OyHiOh*

      I went old school on a thank you card and made stamps using potatoes and cookie cutters. Doing so made me feel considerably better about the gift itself – thoughtful, from a family member, and with a specific holiday greeting that completely erased my faith/culture (I converted as an adult).

      I am surprised how much lighter I feel making something expressive and appropriate in return. It’s nice to be nice, as they teach Kindergarteners.

    11. Clisby*

      I got our tree on Friday! (I was conditioned, growing up, that you put up a Christmas tree on Christmas Eve, and took it down Jan. 6, but if I followed that model I’d need to get a fake tree.)

      My daughter should be home later this week to help decorate it.

    12. Angstrom*

      The local monthly contradance. Good band, good caller, good turnout, nice mix of new and experienced dancers.

    14. I don't mean to be rude, I'm just good at it.*

      Although related to work, it is not meant to be.

      I was asked to provide roasted chestnuts (cue singing) for 250 people. I have the equipment to do this, but never have.

      I bought a case of chestnuts and practiced cooking them, then gave the finished product to all the walkers in the neighborhood asking for good or bad evaluations.

      I made so many people very happy and they turned out really, really good.

  46. E*

    I think the answer is “no” but let’s see.

    After a struggle with infertility (sending love and support to anyone dealing with infertility and you may wanna stop reading here) —

    i’m now happily pregnant but 21 weeks in still feel really nauseous and smell/taste sensitive. Today I went for a walk with a friend and her body odor and breath were really challenging for me. We were outside and it’s prob the kind of thing if I were feeling normally, I’d notice in passing but be able to ignore. Now it makes me gag and I had to cut our visit short. This has happened with other ppl too. Is there any way I can ask ppl to up their hygiene game before we meet given my condition? Or am I doomed to just not hang out with some of my more fragrant friends for the next 5 months?

    By the way, I’ve tried all the anti nausea meds, remedies, etc so I’m NOT looking for any advice on curbing the nausea/sensitivity.

    Thank you!

    1. fposte*

      When you say “more fragrant friends,” is this something you’ve already noticed about them but it didn’t affect you as much, or is it that a lot of people smell bad to you now who didn’t use to? The reason I ask is that if it’s the latter hygiene may not be a solution, especially if you’re so sensitive that even walking outside with them is an issue. One possibility to try is masking up–most odor particles can penetrate masks, of course, but it’s a lot harder of a go. Another is to build your get togethers into a helpful part of their schedule–like get them after they go to the gym and then shower, for instance, or try earlier in the day.

    2. Mstr*

      No, I don’t think you can ask them without causing offense. What do you think of these ideas: Maybe you could wear a mask yourself to filter the air a bit? I think you could easily explain that you’re being extra germ cautious or even that it helps with your allergies or fragrance sensitivities. Maybe you could also cover the smell with something more tolerable — put some scented product that doesn’t bother you beneath your nose or eat a mint (also could offer them a mint).

    3. Dark Macadamia*

      I think except with VERY close relationships you can’t really be like “please bathe thoroughly” lol but go with Alison’s usual script for scents that frames it as a weird you problem. “My pregnancy is making me super sensitive to smells right now, would you mind avoiding strong lotions or perfumes when we get together” – with some people you could include “even normal scents like sweat” to kind of gently put the “be extra clean” idea in their head without actually calling them stinky :)

    4. WellRed*

      I’m not even pregnant and this almost makes me gag. Unfortunately I see no good way to tell someone they stink (unless it’s really over the top). I know you said no nausea remedies but did the smell only make you gag? Would it help to rub a little Vicks under your nose? If not, I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this!

    5. Courageous cat*

      Yeah, I’d wear a face mask and just be like “every smell on earth is bothering me right now” – don’t make it about them, just any strong smells.

    6. Fellow Traveller*

      I once had a work situation where one of the people I managed came to me and said that she was pregnant and there was a specific person in the workplace whose personal odor was making her really nauseous. So I sent a group email to everyone to ask them to abstain from strong perfumes, to remember to bathe, and (literally) not eat onions. So I don’t know if that’s an option that would help any of the situations you’re in, but wanted to offer that up.
      I like Courageous Cat’s wording. If you can meet with people outside, you can put a bit of distance and say that you’ve been super sensitive to personal smells lately, even the smell of soap.

      1. Catherine*

        I understand your report was having a hard time, but asking coworkers to abstain from onions seems pretty invasive…

      2. Observer**

        So I sent a group email to everyone to ask them to abstain from strong perfumes, to remember to bathe, and (literally) not eat onions.

        Good grief! That’s an abysmally bad way to deal with the problem.

        You sent out a general email to everyone over a problem with ONE person. You chose three items to focus on, but you have zero idea if those were at all related to what your employee was experiencing, and you poked into the diets of all of your staff without knowing anything about their diets and the reasons for it.

    7. E*

      Thanks everyone! I really appreciate the support. Unfortunately shortness of breath is also a symptom of mine as the organs move up, so wearing a mask while I’m walking would be hard, but like the idea of bringing something better smelling along with me for help. And thanks Fellow Traveler, I like your wording and approach, I would have to think about how I can apply it in solo meetup scenarios but maybe it can be done. And YES onions and garlic are now terrible to me even secondhand (though in this instance it was someone having just regular bad breath).

    8. I heart Paul Buchman*

      I realised I was pregnant with my second child when I went to the hardware store and noticed that *all* the men had BO. Obviously, every man on earth didn’t suddenly smell dreadful but it felt like it.

      I recommend a dab of essential oil above your top lip. YMMV on which one you feel safe with during pregnancy. People who work in medicine/shelters use chest rub on the tip of the nose.

    9. Observer**

      This has happened with other ppl too. Is there any way I can ask ppl to up their hygiene game before we meet given my condition?

      Almost certainly not. For two reasons.

      One – not every case of BO is actually a hygiene issue. There have been times in my life where the only way I could not exude BO was to douse myself in perfume. Which works a lot of the time, but as we know, it doesn’t work all of the time. And I bet that it probably wouldn’t work too well for you either given your sensitivity.

      Two – You may be smelling something that is really you not them. Many people have heard that while most people find that cilantro has a citrusy scent and taste, for some people it smells and tasted like soap. That’s because those people apparently have slightly different receptors for taste and smell that picks up a compound that other people are not picking up. Something similar may be going on here – you’re picking up something that others would never pick up. Or you’re sense of whatever it is, is untypical.

      Even it’s just that you are slightly more sensitive to genuine hygiene issues, I don’t think you can say anything without offense.

  47. The OG Sleepless*

    Birdwatching thread! What have you seen this week?

    I’m starting this one just so I can tell y’all that I saw a Cooper’s hawk for the first time in my life on Wednesday afternoon. We have lots of red-tailed hawks around here, but I was baffled when I saw what was obviously a raptor of some sort, but pale gray like a phoebe or something. It took a bit of googling to figure it out.

    1. Manders*

      I would completely get rid of my Nextdoor app on my phone because overall I kinda hate it, but we have 2 excellent wildlife photogs on there that post almost daily and often post bird photos/videos. I’ve been able to see so many hawks and other wildlife through their lenses, that last week I identified a Cooper’s Hawk just a couple of blocks from my place. We also had a Barred Owl hanging out near my condo in the spring, although I haven’t heard it in a while.

      1. Just a Name*

        A pileated woodpecker just came through my yard this morning. Landed on the 1st tree, flew to the 2nd, apparently didn’t find anything to his liking, and flew off. A lifer for me.

        Had to take down my feeders this week. Spotted a finch with a wonky eye, so time to take a break from feeding so not to spread finch eye disease. My cardinals are quite disappointed.

        1. The OG Sleepless*

          I get a pileated woodpecker once in a blue moon. I get lots of downies and an occasional redheaded, but once in a long while a pileated will land on my deck railing and startle the heck out of me.

          1. Clisby*

            I saw a pileated woodpecker once, in my parents’ backyard (SC, in the US South). I was sitting at the kitchen table, talking to my mother, when through the window I saw this huge bird swoop down and land in the yard. We ran over to the window and immediately knew what it was.

    2. WoodswomanWrites*

      I had a once in a lifetime bird sighting by sheer luck.

      There’s a wetland on a little used road behind the local Costco so after shopping, I sometimes drive back that way in case there’s a group of waterbirds I want to stop and check out. When I saw a couple people looking through a spotting scope, I pulled over and asked what they were seeing.

      They graciously let me look at the little bird they were viewing, explaining it was a rarely seen white wagtail. When I got home, I found it listed on a national site for rare bird alerts because the white wagtail is typically found in Asia and only shows up in the Lower 48 once every year or two. Wow!

    3. The Other Dawn*

      I saw a Broad-Winged hawk this week. It was surprising to see a hawk this late in the year (I’m in CT).

      I was working at home that day and I happened to look up from the computer and out the window, and there’s the hawk sitting on the shelf of my grill gazebo. It was staring at me through the window. I was able to take some great pictures before he flew across the patio to the bushes. I saw him a couple times that day.

      The next morning, I happened to look out the back door and there was the hawk. Unfortunately he was having a meal. My patio looked like a murder scene with feathers everywhere. It looked to have been a Tufted Titmouse. I knocked on the window and he took off with his meal.

      1. GoryDetails*

        It’s sad for the titmouse, but hawks have to eat, too – I’m always rather thrilled to see one up close.

    5. GoryDetails*

      I’m seeing the usual suspects around my feeders, typical New England assortment – but I did succumb to temptation at the local Wild Birds store and acquired one of those owl-shaped seed-balls, and managed to hang it where the squirrels can’t get at it. So I get to see my nuthatches and chickadees and titmice and woodpeckers cheerfully pecking away at the little seed-owl, who (fortunately) doesn’t seem to mind {grin}.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        I have two seed bells at my back door, which entertains one of my cats (she’s indoors) who is always hanging out in that window. I have a seed cake hanger at the side door and I stack it with four round cakes (entertains all the other cats). The birds–the same ones you see–go crazy for the bells and cakes. Once in a while a blue jay will land. Thankfully no starlings or grackles because there would nothing left for the others. LOL

    6. Clisby*

      I’ve seen at least 5 robins and a couple of blue jays in my back yard today. Also a smaller bird I didn’t recognize, with a yellowish-colored breast. I looked online but didn’t see anything like it on sites that document common bird sightings in SC.

      Back at the end of November, I had the bird sighting you don’t want – a HAWK flew into my kitchen (the kitchen door was open to the back yard, because it was warm.) Luckily (for me, maybe not for the hawk) it flew into a window, which I think stunned it a little. My husband and I corralled it with a blanket and shooed it outside, whereupon it flew off into the trees. So clearly not crippled. That was a first.

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        Phew, so glad that one turned out okay.

        A poor sharp-shinned hawk flew into the small local grocery store when I was shopping there. It was an old building with a high ceiling and was obviously frightened. Eventually the bird flew into a window and fell to the floor. I asked the store staff for a towel and a cardboard box, wrapped up the bird with it’s head covered, gently placed in the box, and closed the lid.

        I called the local wildlife hospital for advice. They said it was likely just stunned and to give the hawk an hour to recover. So I put the box on a bench, with the top open, in front of the store where the staff could keep on eye on the bird. Sure enough when I came back, the hawk had flown away.

    7. The Other Dawn*

      It wasn’t this week. It was a couple weeks ago. I saw the brightest male cardinal I’ve ever seen. He came back to visit a few days in a row. I always get excited to see cardinals, as they don’t come around nearly as often as the other birds.

    8. eisa*

      Nothing exotic (*) , but yesterday the feathered friends were really in a mood for snacking.

      They ate more than half the content of our feeder during that day. I made a photo where there were no less than eight birds clustered all on it or close around it. (both quite unusual for our situation)

      (*) sparrows and tits

  48. Wannessa*

    Kitten staging!

    We’re planning to adopt a pair of kittens mid- to late-2023. We have two cats already, 15 and 10 years old. They have a pretty low-key lifestyle and mostly move from our (large) bedroom to our office which is adjacent to the bedroom. The rest of our house is very open-plan so, unfortunately, there’s not many places to keep pets separated.

    It makes the most sense for us to keep the kittens in the office while everyone gets settled, but I feel really guilty because I work from home and my cats love to hang out with me during the day. I plan to set time aside to love on them before, after, and during work but I’m still afraid that they’ll resent me, or that they’ll resent the kittens and never bond with them.

    My partner is also worried that if the kittens are in the office with me all the time, “his” kitten will bond with me more than with him since he works out of the house. Our existing cats are both, technically, “mine”…so I understand where he’s coming from and want to respect his feelings. FWIW he does help with our cats now, though to a lesser degree, and we’re planning a more equitable split of time and money for all the cats when we adopt the kittens.

    I know that we’ll just have to do our best and adjust as needed because we can’t control how our furry little family will react to anything, but I’d love any reassurance or advice. So, please share any tips or success stories about introducing kittens to older cats, or about kittens bonding with family members who are around less often! And if anything has stuck out for you, please share recommendations for “stuff” that might help in this process: pet gates? pheromones? general kitten supplies since we haven’t had one for over a decade?

    1. Ummmmm....*

      I know you asked for reassurance — can’t give it. Evicting a very old cat and a medium-old cat from their accustomed place in your house, and expecting them to adapt to new kittens in the house, is not likely to end well. And it is unkind. You are likely to end up with two very very unhappy cats. You also asked for advice: Don’t do this. Love and care for the cats you already have, instead of potentially making their last years miserable. There will be time for kittens down the road.

      1. Ummmmm....*

        Having read the other commenters’ comments, I (happily) stand corrected. Sounds like it can work and your cats have a good chance of getting along.

    2. Cat and dog fosterer*

      The other responder sounds like they haven’t introduced many cats. Many people have done it successfully the way you are planning for decades. The biggest problems are doing cat intros too quickly, or having only one kitten who harasses the older ones but you are getting two which is great.

      I think the bigger issue is your partner, so maybe consider having the kittens in the bedroom so that your time with the kittens is more balanced between you. The other idea is for your partner to feed them and give special treats like meat tubes, chicken, and temptations. You can shift them between rooms, so have them in the bedroom during the day and office overnight. It’s only for a week or two, possibly less if everyone gets along, so focus more on intros like exchanging smells between cats to get them used to each other. You can try feliway to calm everyone. If the kittens like to be pet or held a specific way then mention it to your partner so he can build up positive interactions.

      Good luck and have fun! There is a lot of consistent, accurate advice online on how to introduce kittens to cats. If the intros aren’t going well for any reason then this page will have good advice.

    3. Red Sky*

      I’ve introduced a few older foster cats to kittens and for the most part it went fairly smoothly, but just like with human adults and kids, a lot depends on personality. I’ve had a few elder cats who absolutely blossomed and turned into playful and patient cat parents around kittens, but there’s always the chance of grumpy-old-cat who is NOT INTERESTED and having none of the kitten nonesense, this usually involves some warning hissing and maybe a bap or two until kittens learn to back-the-F-off. It’s great you’re getting a pair so they can play with each other without having to harass the older cats for entertainment.

      A very slow intro, site swapping so they can all get used to each others’ scents and start to smell like home, positive reinforcement with treats, play time with a feather wand toy to distract any cat or kitten from each other, and easy escape routes/high perches for elder cats where they can get time away from kittens who might be annoying are all good ideas.

      I’m usually our cats’ favorite person in our house, but it’s because I do the majority of the feeding, playtime, and treats, and the cats come to associate me with all the good things. I also talk to them in a baby voice and give lots of pets and affection while also respecting their boundaries. If your partner wants to increase chances of forming a strong bond with the kittens, assuming the daily feeding and playtime tasks would be a good place to start in addition to all the normal petting and cuddling that comes with kittens.

    4. Red Sky*

      Dang it, I wrote a lengthy reply but it seems to have disappeared! TLDR- it’ll be fine.

      Take time for a slow intro and site swap kittens and older cats, provide positive reinforcement with treats, distraction with feathered wand toy, easy escape routes/perches for older cats to easily observe or escape from kittens.

      Have partner do the daily feeding and playtime with kittens, they will come to associate partner with all good things and increase chances of bonding.

    5. Jackalope*

      You’ve gotten a lot of good ideas here. One idea that I thought was helpful was sharing scents with everyone. One way to do that would be petting the kittens with a washcloth, for example, then going and petting the older cats with the same washcloth, then going back and rubbing it on the kittens so everyone has everyone else’s scent on them. Also, giving each duo a blanket to nap on and then switching them, to accomplish the same thing. Let them swap spots at times. For example, at bedtime have the older cats go into the bedroom with you, and then the kittens can have free rein of the house, then put them back in the office and let the other cats back out. Or take the kittens out of the office for a bit while the older cats go in, then switch everyone back.

      Another idea is to feed both groups near each other, or give the older cats treats by the office door. Something to give them positive associations with the newbies.

      I know it doesn’t always work, but we got kittens last year and it’s been good. The older cats were skeptical for awhile, but now everyone gets along and even more or less likes each other, with semi-regular cuddle puddles with multiple cats. Our older queen felt that she still got to rule the roost, so to speak. The kittens were willing to agree to that, she still has her place at the top, and everyone is happy.

  49. Adult ADHD*

    So I posted a few months back about looking into getting diagnosed with ADHD as an adult woman, and I’ve finally started the process. Of course, the same behaviours that led to me thinking of seeking a diagnosis are now slowing the process of actually getting one, but it’s in motion. In the meantime, my amateur googling has me worried that medication isn’t going to resolve my biggest issue, which is procrastination. So I was hoping to hear from other commenters about stuff that’s worked for them.

    The thing I’m really struggling with is the gap between intention and action. Advice on the internet mentions things like giving myself rewards, but basically anything I consider a reward is already something I’m doing (and using to procrastinate). For example, if my problem is that I spend too much time on my phone when I should be working, telling myself that I can use my phone after I finish work is kind of a self-defeating tactic. I would obviously rather be on my phone than working, so I just skip the hard part and go straight to the reward. I honestly can’t think of any reward that I don’t already do or consider too much work to be worth it. What has worked for other people?

    1. Filthy Vulgar Mercenary*

      Rewards don’t work for me for the exact same reason. I’ve found r/adhd to be helpful and practical on Reddit.

      I’ve heard meds described as making you more able to do the things you want to do rather than procrastinating around them. You still have to try, but it’s easier to manage to actually do it. So maybe give them a go and see how you do?

      Honestly the only things that work for me are the hardest to do consistently – nutrition and exercise and sleep.

    2. ecnaseener*

      I don’t have any strategies that work all of the time. Habitica can help with providing external rewards, but it’s hit-or-miss.

      When I’m in the specific type of procrastination that’s like, I want to get up and start doing the task I just can’t overcome the inertia, there are two things that sometimes help: one is saying to myself ‘ok I’ll just do five minutes of it,’ and the other is starting music or a podcast.

    3. RagingADHD*

      I found the meds very helpful for task initiation and not getting so overwhelmed with a complex project, so they actually did help with procrastination.

      When your brain is saying, “Oh my gosh, that’s so much, I can’t even…” Then you need a huge amount of motivation to get started.

      When your brain says, “Oh yeah, I can do that, no problem, might as well get started,” then you don’t need as much motivation, you just…go ahead and do it.

      1. Adult ADHD*

        That’s helpful to hear, thanks. I really need to work on getting this diagnosis but it’s tied up with so much other health stuff I’ve ignored for too long, so it’s taking a while.

    4. E*

      I don’t have ADHD but for me with procrastination, what seems to help is consciously making myself aware of how I can’t fully enjoy whatever I’m doing instead bc the thing I should be doing is looming. I try and focus on how good I’ll feel when it’s done, rather than some other type of reward. Not sure if that helps. Wishing you good luck getting your diagnosis, and don’t be shy about asking for help if you’re getting stuck in the process, if you think it’d be useful. I would be happy and honored to help a friend or loved one take the necessary steps

    5. Turtle Dove*

      I’m retired now and can live in reward mode all day long, so I spend gobs of time reading (love it). But I also have lots of chores and projects I want/intend to do. I’ve fought procrastination all my life, and I think about intention and action a lot. I’m not officially ADHD, although I may be. I have some symptoms for sure.

      When I’m in reward/relaxing mode and an undone task nags at me, I don’t push that unpleasant feeling away like I used to do. As the nagging builds and interferes with my relaxing, I respond by making a bite-sized plan. “Okay, it’s 4:20 now, so enjoy relaxing until 4:30 and then get up and do X,” where X is washing 20 dishes or tidying for 15 minutes or tackling some other measurable chunk of whatever’s at the forefront of bugging me. After much practicing, it takes me about five seconds to make a plan I know will scratch the “get something done” itch. Then I truly relax for ten more minutes, stop relaxing at 4:30 sharp, and go do whatever I chose. After I do it, the nagging thoughts are gone (for now), I feel proud of my discipline, and I go back to relaxing (for at least another half hour), which feels freshly rewarding. Rinse and repeat all day long, and I end up getting plenty done. That’s how, for example, I cleared out our garage over the summer and fall after meaning to do it for years.

      I think this works for me because I’m respecting that nagging voice (the pressure of internal expectations) and not ignoring it like I used to. I trust it’s a valuable part of me that has a worthwhile purpose (although I keep it in check because I can be a perfectionist). I also love the feeling of “Look at you, self! You get stuff done! You are disciplined!” I feel proud of myself in a way I never have before.

      I came to this self-knowledge gradually and out of utter frustration about how to stop procrastinating. I started experimenting with what works for ME, and I kept trying new things until I figured it out. I’m confident you’ll get there too!

      1. Adult ADHD*

        I’ve gotten the 15 minutes advice too. I think my issue is I know I can power through if I just get started, so I don’t believe myself when I say I only need to do 15 minutes. But I’ll experiment with trying something for 15 minutes and then actually stopping and letting myself go back to whatever I was wasting time on, and maybe I can rewire some chemical impulses so the next time I have to start something 15 minutes doesn’t seem so insurmountable.

        1. Sloanicota*

          Whatever my problem is, the “just get started!” advice doesn’t always work for me. Pomodoro only works when I don’t really mind the thing I have to do. I have such an aversion response to the things I REALLY don’t want to do that I usually don’t feel better after I start. I spend the whole fifteen minutes on the timer going “ow, ow, ow, too boring, I want to stop, this hurts!” like a crazy person. I’ll stop at the first chance and go back to doing nothing. it’s really dumb because a lot of times these were things I took on myself thinking I could handle them.

          1. Adult ADHD*

            Oh, that’s interesting. I just stayed up all night finishing a task I was supposed to start a week ago. It took me the whole weekend to get started (slept, ate, went grocery shopping, ate, did laundry, slept) but after I finally got started at midnight on Sunday/Monday, I only paused at 3am when I couldn’t put off a bathroom break any longer (although my 20 minute phone break did turn into a 50 minute break). It really wasn’t a matter of not wanting or not being able to do the task, just not being able to start it.

    6. SuprisinglyADHD*

      For me, medication did help a lot with procrastinating. It helped in 2 ways: it took less mental/emotional effort to start doing the thing, and tasks started feeling a little smaller. It took a while to find a good prescription though, I had to keep reminding myself it wasn’t bad for me to still be struggling.

      The gap between intention and action that you talk about is one of the hallmarks of ADHD. Strategies to help would be anything that brings the two even a little closer. For me, that means breaking down tasks into smaller ones. I’ve seen it described as “what is the tiniest portion of this task that is so small I literally can’t mess it up”. Example: task is clean the kitchen. Most people would have it as load dishwasher, wipe counter, mop floor. Step one for me is Put my Mug in the Dishwasher. (or, Move Clean Mug from Dishwasher to Cabinet because I never emptied it). My brain goes, “oh, that’s not too bad. I don’t have to clean the kitchen, I have to move that mug!” Once I’m there it’s a lot easier to keep going.

      As far as rewards go, Ive never found success with using anything I can be doing right now as a reward. I’ve used Habitica for years, with mixed results. I also like using rewards tied directly to the task (I can have a candy when I go to the kitchen!). Other people use really simple sticker charts (like, put a shiny star on the board for every Thing you do).

      But what I can do, is remove the immediate reward. I use a website blocker on my computer, so when I click over to one of my procrastination sites, I instead get a page that says “hey, focus” and it removes the instant reward from the equasion. There are phone apps that will lock everything except calls and texting between certain times, and if you can’t trust yourself to not just plug in the password anyway, you can have a partner who is in charge of it.

  50. Giftern*

    Are there people who don’t hear music playing all the time in the background? My mother, sister, and niece and I are always humming or whistling or singing little songs under our breath. My life definitely has a soundtrack. I also dream with a soundtrack (just like TV). My dad never does this and I asked him this question; he confirmed that he does almost always hear music but doesn’t believe in singing out loud. Is this universal?

      1. Just a Name*

        Me either. In fact, for me, most music playin the background is like fingernails on a chalkboard.

    2. Phillippe II*

      I always have music going on inside my head. Sometimes it’s a song and I may hum or quietly sing along, usually it’s just a rhythm.

      1. Giftern*

        Agree, it’s rarely a full song from beginning to end, and could just be a sort of beat; like background music on TV, it’s almost unnoticeable some times, but if I pause and listen, it’s there.

    3. Jay (no, the other one)*

      I hear music frequently but not always. I definitely have a jukebox in my head that is triggered by words or phrases that remind me of a song – that happens frequently during the day. I used to sing out loud and have managed to stop that after enough people looked at me in horror.

      2. Take the red one*

        Same. I remember asking a friend what song she had currently playing in her head, and she had no idea what I was talking about. That’s the first I realized not everyone has this. Sometimes, when I realize a particular song is playing in my head, I try to think back to what triggered that particular song. A therapist explained that this could be my mind’s way of occupying itself due to anxiety, which makes sense for me.

        1. Karen Midget*

          I have songs often in my head and it makes me sad to think it might be filling an anxiety gap, I’ve always thought of it more as enjoying the songs – they are usually quite upbeat.

          They tend to stay in my head unless I’m out cycling, then they usually come out. My regular cycling buddies often join in, which I just love

        2. Jay (no, the other one)*

          “A therapist explained that this could be my mind’s way of occupying itself due to anxiety, which makes sense for me”

          Oh. Oh. Oh.

        3. Giftern*

          I often realize it’s some kind of pun or wordplay – someone said “green peace” and now four hours late I’m still singing “green sleeves,” or someone said something in a certain sing-song-y way (ok, perhaps that someone was me) and that lead me to Y song with a similar refrain but it morphed into Z song which has a similar bit in the chorus. I don’t think it’s anxiety, but will have to contemplate that a bit more. It feels so joyful! Busy-minded-ness, though, definitely.

          1. Lexi Vipond*

            My favourite was when I was coming down a VERY loose slope somewhere in the Lake District, and discovered that my mind had decided to sing ‘Solid as a Rock’!

    5. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I always have either a soundtrack or, more often, ongoing narration in my head. But I am incapable of seeing mental images. From discussions with friends, it kind of seems like I get mental narration the same way they get mental images?

      1. Becky S*

        Me too!! always music, not always music I want to hear and it sometimes interferes with reading. I never sing outloud – that’s my gift to the world. ;-}
        Also it’s very difficult for me to form mental images. I can’t picture friends & family in my head, but always recognize them. I don’t talk about this much, it sounds like it’s more common than I thought.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          I have bad visual memory too as a result – ten years together almost and I still can’t remember what color my husband’s eyes are or where the edges of his beard are on his face :) He asked once if that meant I had a hard time recognizing him in a crowd and I said “no, as long as you don’t make any drastic changes, but I probably wouldn’t recognize you if you shaved clean.” Growing up, my dad went back and forth between beard and clean-shaven about every six months and it was a huge adjustment every time.

      2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        (That said, I almost never sing aloud unless I’m alone in the car or MAYBE if I’m watching a musical at home by myself.)

    6. ecnaseener*

      Most of the time I don’t have music in my head. Doesn’t stop me from making up little songs to sing when I feel like it, but I only sometimes feel like it.

    7. AGD*

      Great question!

      I sometimes do and sometimes don’t. A few friends and family members have said that for them it’s so loud and constant that while it’s good company, it never shuts up, and that can be a real problem.

      1. Giftern*

        It is occasionally a problem when the song annoys me or I’m sick of it, or I get stuck on just one bar or refrain over and over, or when I realize I’m humming out loud and it’s probably really annoying. I can consciously stop that from happening when I’m at work or something but it’s certainly a default. For people who really hate people who hum quietly to themselves, I know we will never be good friends. I also bugged my sister a lot growing up, although she somewhat does it too (I suppose your own humming is never as annoying as someone else humming).

    8. RagingADHD*

      Mine comes and goes. Occasionally I have a “clock radio” in my head that wakes me up out of a sound sleep. Interestingly, when that happens it’s never the kind of music I’d choose to listen to for fun. Lots of Sousa marches.

    9. time for cocoa*

      Only one song in my head is a slow day, like if I’m tired or sick. Usually there are at least two fighting for dominance. This is very common in those of us with ADHD.

    10. Still*

      That’s not a thing for me. I get ear worms every now and then but other than that there’s no music.

      1. Giftern*

        Do you have running dialogue in your head? Or is it just silence? I have both and I’ve wondered if it was perfectly silent, it I might concentrate better, be a better listener or better at things that take a lot of brainpower like math.

        1. Still*

          Yeah, I do have a running dialogue. I don’t think exclusively with words but a lot of my thoughts are worded and I’ll talk to myself in my head. If I’m having trouble grasping a concept or I have to figure out something complicated, I’ll talk myself through it. If something is really tricky, I’ll explain it to myself out loud, so putting things into words definitely helps me rather than hinders. I’m more verbal than visual; if I have to remember a series of shapes or colours, I’ll tell them to myself and remember the words, not the actual images. But I’ve never felt that having an internal dialogue makes it harder to listen to others. It’s not like my internal narrator gets in the way when I’m focusing on somebody else’s words. Funny how we’re all different!

    11. Sirah*

      This sounds like hell to me! When I get earwormed and keep thinking of a bit of a song on repeat, it’s infuriating and I do everything I can to get rid of it. But I certainly do not hear music all the time. My life has an inner monologue, but no soundtrack. Thankfully!

      1. Giftern*

        I suppose I have both, but I don’t find it particularly annoying, most of the time. Like the background music in a TV show or movie, you don’t have to pay a lot of attention to it.

    12. Falling Diphthong*

      A fascinating question because I do not have this soundtrack and had not imagined anyone else did.

      The one exception being when I took an anxiety drug before the first cancer treatment, and when I would take it my brain would play George Winston’s December. If I tried to “play” the music myself to dial down, the song came out jangly and too fast.

      1. Giftern*

        I have heard that an intrusive song playing against your will can be a mental illness thing. I have a lot of sympathy for how awful that would be. My own background music doesn’t usually irritate me. I can usually deliberately switch the song if I don’t want to listen to it anymore, although sometimes it may sneak back in later. I could, for example, play catchy music on the radio to “reset” the background song.

    13. PsychNurse*

      I don’t know, but I would go out of my gourd if my family members were constantly humming and singing. Hush!

      1. RagingADHD*

        There’s no indication that they bother each other. Someone or other in my house is almost always humming or singing, and for us it’s a sign that we’re happy. When it’s too quiet, it means everyone is upset or ill.

        If one of us needs to concentrate or get some quiet time, we can go in another room, out on headphones, or ask for the volume to be “turned down”.

        It’s probably a good thing that this trait tends to run in families and yours does have it.

        1. Giftern*

          I agree, when I hear my mother humming in another room, or another part of the store, it fills me with contentment and I know she’s happy. She is easy to find haha. But then, that has been the background sound of all of my childhood, so it makes sense that I have positive associations. I assume she is the one who did this to me and my sister lol. I have found other people singing annoying, particularly if they’re off key or repetitive (I am repetitive myself, so that’s the pot calling the kettle black) so I know to try and tone it down when other people might hear.

    14. The OG Sleepless*

      I hear music all the time. (If anyone’s curious, right now it’s Kashmir by Led Zeppelin.) It gets kind of annoying. Part of my mindfulness meditation routine is to turn off the music in my head long enough to focus on the sounds around me. And then it starts right back up. It’s not necessarily earworms, usually just something I heard recently (in this case, the beginning of a Rage Against the Machine song I heard this morning is similar to Kashmir, so that’s where we are now).

      1. Giftern*

        if I concentrate on silence, I could experience a few minutes of silence. Sometimes I do, for example when I go out in nature and want to hear the wind in the trees, my favorite sound. But I don’t generally find silence more restful than soft music, for example. Even meditative sessions often play gentle musical accompaniment … I just provide my own hahaha

    15. WellRed*

      I don’t sing or hum but I always have music in my head. I actually wake up every morning with a different song in my head.

      1. Pick the red one*

        Ha! I often wake up to the same song from the night before and I think, “oh, so we’re still on that one.”

    16. Just here for the scripts*

      I don’t hear music, but frequently connect others’ conversational comments into showtimes. It sounds like your family would enjoy/connect with the show Zoey’s extraordinary playlist

      1. Giftern*

        My mom especially “narrates” a lot of her day into little songs. I don’t really do this unless it’s aimed at a pet. Some people probably find it annoying, more so than humming very softly or tapping or whatever, so I try to be mindful. She was a homemaker home with just the kids a lot while I have worked in offices and lived with roommates so I couldn’t be doing that out loud all day.

    17. Chauncy Gardener*

      I always wake up with a song in my head from my dreams. I don’t sing out loud very often, but I generally have a song going along in my mind

    18. RussianInTexas*

      I get obnoxious earworms that drive me crazy.
      But no background music, and I absolutely do not make up songs, him, whistle, or anything like this. I don’t think I would be able to be around the person who does this for any extended period of time. Noises like this drive me absolutely bonkers.
      I don’t have a dialogue or a monologue or anything like that running in my head either. Or think out loud, in fact when my partner does it, it’s super annoying. I do notice patters words like sets of 3 or 2 letters, and count these automatically when I see titles, names, etc.

      1. RussianInTexas*

        I don’t know how to explain it. I don’t think in words.
        But I do come up with characters and stories that have nothing to do to my actual life, and sorry of have running “books” of the same characters for years, and I think of them when I brush my teeth or try to go to sleep, situations like that.

        1. Person from the Resume*

          When I was a teen, I used to “write” fanfic in my head when I was going to sleep and maybe when I was bored.

          I didn’t know that fan fiction was something specific, yet, because I only discovered the internet, Usenet, and fanfic in college.

          It was pretty standard writing ‘ship fanfic for characters. My fave was Spock’s parents Sarek/Amanda, but I also bet I shipped other characters with UST.

          I stopped at some point, but I read fanfic very regularly. Now-a-days I fall asleep to a podcast or an audiobook, but the fanfic “writing” ended long before then.

          1. Giftern*

            TBH, as a (non-fanfic, mostly) writer, it’s exactly like that, except you … write it down, and of course edit it later, and as you get better at plotting you know how to better tweak stories to be satisfying from the outset. Did you ever try writing down the scenes you imagined? Do you have no interest in doing so now? I believe it’s a habit of thought more than anything, and you could go in and out of it over time or as you chose.

            1. Person from the Resume*

              Nope. I’ve had zero interest to write it down. I tell myself the story, and I move on. That’s how I know I don’t want to be an author. I’ll admit it was very trope-y. I was in my teens, and I hadn’t read any fanfic yet, but the tropes are there for reasons.

              And I’ve read so much fanfic in the last nearly 30 years, I know what’s good and what’s rough. I know good authors need to work on their story. Plot it out. Spend time crafting it. I have no interest in that.

              I’d rather spend my time reading fanfic or traditionally published novels and non-fiction than writing myself.

    19. Filosofickle*

      I do not! What I love about this query is its similarity to the “do you have an inner monologue” question. It’s a trip to discover we have very different experiences up in our heads — I’d love to visit other people’s brains! What’s it like to have a quiet mind, or a musical mind, or a synethestic mind, or a an aphantasic mind?! Fascinating.

    20. Tired Shopper*

      I almost never hear music in my head, even when I try to recall a favorite song. On very rare ocassions I can “hear” a tune and it’s always very strange because I’m not a fan of background music. It just seems to happen and I look around the house to turn off music that isn’t there.
      I’m curious, how good is your mental visualization? I recently learned some people don’t see images in their mind (aphantasia). I can visualize even the tiniest details.

  51. Double A*

    Parents and people who have had little people in your life, tell me about the Terrible Twos. My daughter didn’t really go through them; her temperament was sweet and consistent…until she approached 3 and went full Threenager. Then she became a small person with many opinions and sometimes lucid but mostly nonsense communication skills. I didn’t struggle too much with it but my husband found it hard. Then as she approached four, she suddenly became much more consistently lucid and easier to deal with. Four is fun!

    Our son, however, is 18 months and ever since he started walking at about 14 months has had more tantrums/”bratty” behavior (I hate that term but I feel like it describes it best). He gets very mad when he doesn’t get the thing he wants, yells, throws things, hits. It’s very different than my daughter at that age.

    I’m not looking for advice on handling the behavior, we’ve got our strategies that work for us, but I’m just wondering what other people’s experiences are with which year is the most “difficult” with their young kids.

    I’ve heard different kids tend to have a different difficult year and then mellow out. Is this your experience? If two was hard, was three easier?

    1. Fellow Traveller*

      For me, it’s been ten. My ten year old is going to break me.
      I have three kids and I’m really interested to see if my other two kids are going to be hard when they get to be ten or if it’s just this child. I hate to admit it, but my five year old and my three year old are complete joys. The ten year old – I’m hoping it will get better, because at this rate, going into the teenage years will be miserable.

      1. PsychNurse*

        Oh that’s funny— mine is 11 and I think he’s an absolute joy. He gets my jokes, we do hobbies together, he’s my little BFF at the moment.

      2. Giftern*

        My mom always said we were wonderful until late 14, and then she would have just as soon sent us off to boarding school and dealt with us again around 18. I do remember feeling very irritable and just aggravated all through those years, like everything bugged me and everybody was annoying. It passed and we’re very close now. I assume it’s a hormone thing – I know in nature, young animals hit an age where they spread out from their pack and go explore new territory.

    2. Rara Avis*

      My kid was also decent at two and we barely survived the terrible threes. Now they’re 14 and slingshot between funny almost-adult and eye-rolling sassy pants.

    3. RagingADHD*

      In the early years, we’d have about 6 months easy and then 6 months hard. I found 2 not that hard at all, because they are intense but not complicated.

      The bad spells of 3 and 4 were really tough, because they have all kinds of things going on in their heads, and they’re too smart to just distract or redirect.

      1. RagingADHD*

        Oh, and one of my kids was incredibly difficult at 13 when the other was not. You know how you can give a toddler their favorite food, and they’ll have an epic meltdown because it makes the wrong shape on the plate? Like that, only larger and with more unforeseeable variables to be “wrong.”

      2. Patty Mayonnaise*

        I can’t remember who it is, but there is a doctor/parenting expert who also says young kids switch between difficult and easy every six months!

    4. Nutrageous*

      My son was delightful at two, crazy at three, sweet and independent at four, constantly sick and overtired at five (thanks, kindergarten germs) and now ridiculously obstinate, talkative (sooo much talking) and relentless at six.

      Every time I thought things were at max difficulty, he’d have an OS upgrade and his behavior would change almost overnight for the better. Then he learned, evolved and started testing different boundaries. Again, and before I was ready.

      Its tough. It’s wonderful. It’s not wonderful at all. And then he draws a picture of hearts and flowers and music notes saying “I love you”, and I feel like a jerk for being hard on him when he’s just a little boy.

      I feel you. Come over for whiskey anytime.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        I really like the comparison to installing an OS upgrade. “Wait, I just half figured out the old system, and now it’s different?”

    5. Generic+Name*

      Frankly, my son was very challenging from 3 until 14. There was lots of stuff going on, and now at 16, he’s an absolute delight. It’s amazing what a person can handle because they need to :)

    6. Jen Erik*

      It’s all a bit of a blur, tbh. But I do remember with my eldest at 18 months, thinking I would never survive the terrible twos because I couldn’t imagine how it would be if she was any worse.
      And, actually, she was fine – I think she just went through that stage early.

      1. RagingADHD*

        Literally on the day my eldest was 18 months, she turned to me out of the blue and said, “No, no, no!”

        She’d never said the word before, so yay new word. But there wasn’t even anything to say no to. We were just sitting there.

        That set the tone for the next 6 months, but by the time she hit 2 she chilled out.

        1. Double A*

          Ha! My son’s favorite phrase is “Oh no no no no.” He doesn’t have tons of intelligible words (maybe one source of his frustration with existence) but he’s definitely figured out No.

          1. Clisby*

            Once a family friend said, “Why is the first word so many kids learn ‘No’?”

            My brother said, “It’s probably the first word they ever heard.”

    7. Falling Diphthong*

      Child 1: A long attention span right up until she hit two, when it plunged down to two minutes. This is where my books on childhood neuroscience helped, because I could look at her struggling and failing to maintain focus and getting extremely frustrated and think “Poor thing, her neurons are firing into too many connections.” Ages 1 and 3 were easier, and coincide with when we made significant trips. Ages 2 and 4 were tougher, the latter probably coinciding with my spouse and I coining the phrase “Insufferable know-a-little.”

      Child 2: Hit 7 months, learned to crawl, and was like “Welp, I’m off to climb things. Don’t need to sleep anymore.” At age 1 I found him at ceiling level after scaling the window muntins. (Something, to be fair, I had not forbidden him to do.) He did not care about all the strategies we developed for child 1, half of which did not work for him. Reaching age 2 meant he was slightly easier to deal with than at age 1, and then 3 was a bit easier than 2, and so on.

      Both kids are now in their 20s. They turned out fine!

      (My neuroscience book was Magic Trees of the Mind by Hopson and Diamond, which I still recommend. Alison Gopnik of Berkeley has also written a few really good ones on philosophy/neuroscience/infants. I toss these out here as it helped to drag my mindset from “Two, why are you being so irrational?” to “I get it, Two, it is tough when your brain does this.”)

    8. BookMom*

      An early childhood educator described children as going through cycles of equilibrium and disequilibrium, and the cycles generally get longer as they get older. Things are smooth sailing, then they make a developmental change and it throws them out of sorts until they get used to themselves again. With little babies it can be a couple days or a week. With toddlers, a month or two, etc. My teens had on/off years! This way of framing it helped me have compassion for them and remember “this too shall pass.”

    9. Jay (no, the other one)*

      Two didn’t bother me so much. Two happened to her – her moods were like thunderstorms. Out of her control. Three was much, much worse. Three was on purpose. Three was when she tried to spit at me (and couldn’t do it, so I ended up laughing, which only further enraged her). As you say – definite opinions and definite plans without the ability to make the world what she wants it to be. Drove me around the bend.

      For me it steadily got better after that. I am a word-based lifeform so when she started using her words to express her feelings and frustration it was much easier for me to respond as I wished to (with empathy and clear limits). I loved every age and stage after three, especially the teenage years. Having a teenager was AWESOME.

      My husband had real issues with the tween years, which was when she really started to push our limits and directly challenge or ignore what we asked her to do. His parents were “we say jump and the kids say ‘how high?’ ” sorts and that’s what he expected from our kid. That wasn’t really consistent with our general parenting style and it certainly wasn’t how I wanted to deal with her. She often communicated with us by notes because it was less threatening than talking to us when she had big feelings, and I have a note she left me at age 11 that says “I really don’t like Daddy. I only put up with him because you seem to love him.” One night when he was hounding her about something and she retreated into her room, I said “You can force her to obey you, and she will feel about you the way you felt about your father at this age. I don’t think that’s what you’re going for.” To his eternal credit, he got it. From that moment he transformed the way he interacted with her. He started asking more questions and really listening to the answers. He gave her more leeway to do things the way she wanted to and in her own time. And she got over not liking him and came to adore him.

      tl;dr: It gets better. Treat them like people. And the teen years are FUN.

      1. Double A*

        I’m a high school teacher and I always wanted to teach middle school so I’m perhaps foolishly not too worried about the teen years. I like and respect teenagers and have worked with a lot of tough ones. But my husband has a harder time with the irrational and obstinate disobedience so those phases are hard for him. But he also likes having kids he can talk with so I think he’ll do okay.

    10. Alex*

      I don’t have kids but used to be a preschool teacher and full time nanny. In my experience with lots of different kids, I’d say on *average* boys tend to go through a difficult phase a little earlier than girls. Hence the “terrible twos” are often “terrible threes” for girls. Of course, averages don’t apply to all children and every child is a special snowflake! I’d agree with another commenter that kids go through difficult phases and then mellow out and then have another phase again. It’s their brains changing and developing and all totally normal (of course, knowing it is normal doesn’t make it any less difficult!).

      That said, my mom tells me that the year I was 9 I was the holiest of terrors. It’s been over 30 years now and she still isn’t over it! Lol. Sorry mom!

    11. Elf*

      My son was incredibly easy as a baby and at one and at two and at three – and then he turned four and was an absolute disaster. He’s almost eight now and it’s been a cycle of easy and impossible off and on since four.

      My daughter started in on the boundary testing at about 18 months, was pretty difficult through two, and has mostly just been getting easier since (she’s four). Some setbacks, but pretty much a positive trend.

    12. Chauncy Gardener*

      Two was totally fine, three was tough. Ten was TERRIBLE until we realized he wasn’t getting enough sleep. Once he started going to bed earlier, life was pretty good until 14…

    13. Flowers*

      She turned 2 over the summer and I’m finding it really difficult. Not sure if it’s because she was diagnosed with autism and we’ve been finding it hard AF going through Early intervention and getting everything together or just terrible 2s. For the most part I feel like majority of the behaviors that frustrate us are common for most toddlers but…idk.

  52. Jen Erik*

    Books for someone that enjoyed Wolf Hall?

    My MIL – nearly 90 – is coming for Christmas, and likes to read to pass the time. I read for story, so mostly genre, a little non-fiction, and we have the normal selection of classics – Dickens, Austen, Trollope etc. She doesn’t really enjoy any of that, and last time we drew an absolute blank until my daughter offered up her unread copy of Wolf Hall and my MIL read it in two days, and enjoyed it, then went on to read Bring up the Bodies. (I assume by now she’s read the third.) The only other book I remember her commenting positively on was Geraldine Brook’s Year of Wonders, which is set in her part of the world. I don’t think she enjoyed her other books.

    She would think it ridiculously self-indulgent to buy books for herself when I have so many, but I’d like to happen to have something she might enjoy to hand. I’ve never read Wolf Hall myself, so I’m a bit at sea.

    2. Reba*

      Did your MIL enjoy reading about the time period/the Tudors? Or was it more the style of the books? There is of course the rest of Hilary Mantel’s back catalogue!

      Other, like, deeply researched novel treatments of historical figures I have enjoyed:
      PAINTER TO THE KING by Amy Sackville — sorta like Wolf Hall, this one focuses on a side character, so to speak, and contains of course a lot of nice writing about art
      CLEOPATRA: A LIFE by Stacy Schiff
      THE FIFTH QUEEN (series) by Ford Madox Ford
      THE WESTERN WIND by Samantha Harvey
      HILD by Nicola Griffith

    3. GoryDetails*

      If she likes that era of historical drama, maybe try C. J. Sansom’s “Matthew Shardlake” series? It opens with DISSOLUTION, set during Henry VIII’s dissolution of the monasteries, and features Thomas Cromwell – who, at that point, is Matthew’s employer. [He’s not depicted as favorably here as in Mantel’s books, FWIW!] The writing style is very different, of course – Mantel’s choices in the “Wolf Hall” trilogy were unique, in my experience – but I enjoy the historical settings, characters, and mysteries.

    4. Anon for this II*

      If she liked WOLF HALL for the history, Sharon Kay Penman has about 10 novels of Angevin and Welsh history.

      And there are the classics PILLARS OF THE EARTH by Ken Follett and THE RED TENT by Anita Diamant.

      PILLARS is about building a cathedral and the nearby community, and RED TENT is set in Biblical times about the women in the Bible stories, but you don’t have to be religious to enjoy it. I was fascinated by the details of life in that time period.

      1. Chauncy Gardener*

        In this vein maybe the Ellis Peters Brother Cadfael mysteries? The medieval history is spot on accurate

  53. Food for the masses*

    A new community fridge has opened up nearby and I would like to contribute food. They get deliveries for “raw” produce but some people also donate cooked food, which is what I think I’d like to do. Do you have any suggestions of what would be good? I am not used to cooking big batches of anything (I live alone) but I do enjoy cooking.

    3. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

      Do you have to package it or will they? If you, does it get packaged in individual servings or family sized servings?

        1. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

          I’d start with the packaging then. Bread type stuff can just be wrapped in cling wrap (and I gotta say, muffins are yummy and really convenient to eat) but for most stuff you’d probably want to start with finding cheap disposable packaging.

          Come to think, you could probably make a lot of recipes in muffin tins. A quick search found some mac & cheese and meatloaf recipes to be made in them.

          I would probably aim for the comfort food category. And I’d probably start with comparatively small batches until you see what disappears and how fast. It’d be a waste of food and effort to make a giant batch of calzones or something only to have them go manky in the fridge because nobody’s interested.

          Honestly, I’d probably start with a dozen banana nut muffins.

    4. time for cocoa*

      Lentil casseroles. Hearty, veg-friendly protein, freezer stable, reasonable unit price for you, easily customized with local seasonal vegetables.

    5. Emma*

      What about individual cups of pudding, with fruit and whipped cream? Just something easy and different.

      1. Manders*

        Or individual yogurts and string cheese? We have some community pantries in my neighborhood (like Little Free Libraries, but with food) and what I’ve heard from users and providers is that small quantities that can be shoved in a backpack or purse are most useful, so I usually leave packets of instant oatmeal, individual cups of mac’n’cheese, and (weather-permitting) fruit like oranges or bananas.

    6. Samwise*

      Do you have to make big batches? I’d think even small batches would be welcome.

      Baked ziti is great because you don’t have to do the layering as with lasagna, nor do you have to worry about getting the sauce even and smooth as with mac and cheese. I put a good thick topping of crumbs-and-parm on it.

      You can get pyrex casseroles or baking dishes at thrift shops pretty cheap, and put it in those. I find that these work better than foil disposable pans.

      1. Samwise*

        Oops, I see you need to make individual servings. So, OK, foil loaf pans or again, thrift shops are a good source for small ceramic loaf pans (they’re from holiday breads and cakes, then people donate the pans)– about 80 cents around here. I have several dozen, makes it easy to cook and then give away.

  54. Napa trip*

    So I finished a romance this week that takes place in Napa, and now I’m interested in adding it to my travel list. Any tips? Particularly interested in how long people recommend for a visit (I’m in New England), best time to visit, how many wineries to include, and other things besides wineries. I like wine, but am not super knowledgeable. Several years ago I was visiting a friend in Washington and we visited wineries outside of Seattle, and had a nice time.

    1. KatEnigma*

      March and October are my favorite months in N California. I don’t drink, so can’t help for anything else.

    2. bratschegirl*

      The Napa Valley is well worth visiting, but it’s gotten very touristy and crowded, and tastings (which used to be free) are now often rather pricey. Sonoma is another excellent, less-overrun wine area. Both are quite near each other as well as the spectacular California coast, which you must see if you haven’t yet. Northern CA is lovely all year, but probably the best times to come are May and September/October, when the weather’s the nicest and kids are still school. You can certainly get a good feel for the area, and see lots of great places, in a week or 10 days.

    3. Manders*

      If you go to Napa, don’t miss the Silverado Trail – better than the main highway. Also consider visiting Amador County for a day or two – they specialize in big reds like Zinfandels, and are smaller and nicer. It’s absolutely gorgeous up there. I would start in SF/Napa for a couple of days, move on to Sacramento/Amador, and then finish in Lake Tahoe (not a wine region, but absolutely beautiful – not to be missed if you are able to go and have never been). I’m from the Sacramento region, so I’m a little biased toward that area.

      Oh, and make sure to pick a designated driver – when I go with my friends, one of us is designated and we only drink one or two tastes at each winery (the favorites of those who have similar palates as the DD).

      1. Napa trip*

        Thanks- regardless of who I go with, I’m not sure how much we will buy and ship home- probably not that much. Never been to Tahoe or Sacramento area- just SF for a few days over a decade ago.

    6. WestsideStory*

      Calistoga is a small town at the Northern part of the Napa region and is known for its mineral springs and spas. Check out the area for B & Bs, day spas (for hot thermal baths and especially for mud baths, which are a specialty there. Also lots of good dining there.

      Domain Chandon in Yountville is a champagne winery that gives a good tour, I recall.

  55. Flowers*

    Has anyone experienced price gouging?

    There’s a shortage of children’s Tylenol/motrin right now. My husband travelled to 3-4 different stores and finally found one bottle. It was $15.99 for a tiny bottle whereas a month ago the larger size was literally $6-7. I feel like this can’t possibly be legal/allowed, but I don’t know.

    1. Clisby*

      Where do you live?

      At least in my state, SC, price gouging in the legal sense isn’t a thing unless it’s happening in some sort of emergency. Like, the governor declares a state of emergency for a hurricane, so you can’t legally double the price on your hotel rooms for those hordes of evacuees.

      It doesn’t cover jacking up prices in general. In other states maybe.

      1. Ginger Pet Lady*

        This is the kind of price gouging I’ve experienced. Contractors literally telling me “Normally this would be a $300 job but because of the storm demand is way up so we have to charge you surge pricing and it will be $3500 to get your home safe for occupancy.”
        (This was during a declared state of emergency, and no one cared. Sadly laws like this often don’t have enforcement or consequences.)

      2. RussianInTexas*

        Yes, this is how it works in my state as well. Jacking up prices become there is a shortage is not that in the legal sense.

    2. E*

      Yeesh. You could try checking the website of and/or contacting the Dept of Consumer Affairs or Better Business Bureau where you live to see what the legality is and if you can file a complaint? You probably need to document prices but maybe they can do research as well.

    3. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

      I’m no expert, but in general regulating prices tends to promote black markets. Folks who can’t find whatever it is will pay the high black market price, while folks with stock would rather make more money selling on the black market, which of course means more shortages for the legit sources.

      To avoid this, laws regulating prices tend to be sparse. There probably are some, but your price gouging may not be illegal.

        1. Flowers*

          Not just annoying but infuriating. I recall seeing individual posts of ppl selling infant formula at high markups.
          Hope there’s a Special place in hell for those who hoard and then sell essential items. Especially medicines etc.

    4. fhqwhgads*

      That’s what the name brand 4oz was here six months ago (and still does, but I’m mentioning it because it’s not recent to me), but I can get generic for $4.

    5. RagingADHD*

      I am sorry you are in a bind with a sick baby, but this just sounds like the same type of shortages and inflation that is happening everywhere.

      The supply chain disruptions of 2020 seem to have permanently broken the just-in-time inventory system, and there have been plant closures and natural disasters in the last couple of years that have caused shortages of all kinds of things.

      There is also a huge surge in pediatric illnesses right now. They can’t keep liquid NSAIDs on the shelves anywhere.

      1. Bluebell*

        Yes, there have been supply chain disruptions, and definitely a surge in demand, but corporate profits have also been increasing. Johnson and Johnson had a very strong 3rd quarter. Flowers, I hope your family is healthy soon.

        1. Flowers*

          Thank you both. Thankfully we have 1 bottle but it’s running low. We always like to have things in stock, not hoarding though. Even though we havent needed it for over a year, the formula shortage earlier this year was terrifying to read about. Things are OK right now but trying not to be anxious for the future

  56. KatEnigma*

    My husband and I are having an argument. My father in law just sent out of email to allll the family, giving out our new address. Without asking for permission. To people he knows we are estranged from.

    My husband says giving out addresses when asked, or just because, isn’t recognized as rude. I told him I’d ask the internet and he’s just wrong.

    1. Liminality*

      Rude.

      At minimum, he should have reached out to you/ your husband saying “So and so asked for your address. Is it okay for me to give it to them?”

      1. Liminality*

        The only mitigating factor I can think of is if yours was among many other addresses that he was sharing and he just “forgot” to remove it before sending them.

        Even then, such an action requires a sincere apology.

      2. PollyQ*

        Exactly this. Or even better, passed so-and-so’s address to you and removed himself from any further interaction.

    2. Pennyworth*

      I don’t think you should give out anyone’s address or phone number without permission. Why does your FIL think it was OK to give your address to people you are estranged from? I’d be furious.

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Hundred percent wrong. I have flat out cut people out of my life for giving out my contact info without my permission.

    4. Ginger Pet Lady*

      As someone with estranged family that I wish did not know where I lived, I’m with you. If FIL knows you are estranged, he should not have shared that information.

    5. bratschegirl*

      It may not be “rude,” but it’s a humongous overstep on FIL’s part, multiplied by a large factor if he’s aware of the estrangement. Your contact information (and ESPECIALLY your physical address) is yours to share, or not.

      There’s maybe a 1-2% chance that this was an innocent “oh, X and Y asked for son and DIL’s address for holiday cards, guess they haven’t gotten around to letting people know their new deets, let me fix that for them,” but in your shoes I’d still be ticked off even so.

      I’m gonna go out on a limb and guess that this isn’t the first time FIL has just trampled on anybody’s boundaries, though. Does your husband usually have difficulty asserting himself with Dad?

    6. fhqwhgads*

      Rude and extremely inappropriate. You wanna give out your own contact info? Your business. Never give out someone else’s without permission.

    7. Libra10*

      Husband is wrong, so wrong. Guess you’ll be adding FIL to the estranged list. The people who want to make decisions on behalf of others without any input, never stops does it.

      1. Kay*

        I think she has both. I would hit the roof (I once had a relative do this when they KNEW I didn’t want my information given out), and have before. And I would classify this as something above rude level – in the expletive level. The FIL isn’t the one who has to deal with whatever it is the estranged family might get up to – the husband would which makes his response short sighted.

        You don’t give what isn’t yours. Your husband is so very wrong on this one.

    9. Lexi Vipond*

      I think the general question is generational, regional AND personal – it’s not that long since more or less everyone’s address was lying around every house in printed phone books, and I know plenty of people who still think of addresses as practical facts rather than personal property.

      But it’s wrong for someone to deliberately share your address with someone they know you wouldn’t give it to – even if the other person can find it somewhere else, let them do the work of finding it!

      1. L. Ron Jeremy*

        Yeah, pretty easy to find out someone’s address these days via the internet, unless their name is very common.

    10. Anonosaurus*

      This is not an etiquette problem, it’s a safety and boundaries issue. I would not be happy if anyone disclosed my address without my permission, period. It’s not their information to share. Your husband justifying this with reference to manners suggests to me that he knows damn well his father overstepped and he’s trying to deflect the real issue.

    11. Dark Macadamia*

      I think it’s more or less socially acceptable to give out an address individually if you have reason to believe the person would be okay with it, but it’s still better to ask first. Fully announcing it to a group is objectively rude and inappropriate – if you wanted your address shared in a mass email you would’ve sent one yourself! Sharing it with anyone that he knows you were estranged from is also completely unacceptable and a SAFETY issue. Your husband is extremely wrong and owes you a very nice apology lol

    12. Generic+Name*

      Woah. This is important information to know about him. He cannot be trusted. I assume the estrangement isn’t because of safety reasons? I hope? I feel like “rude” doesn’t even begin to encapsulate what he’s done. Your FIL cannot be trusted.

    13. Emma*

      Why did he do this? At the very least, it’s really weird. It’s not his place to do it, it’s yours. At the worst, it’s meddlesome, if he’s trying to reconnect you with estranged people.

      1. Emma*

        Like I can’t imagine sending out a mass email saying “here’s my brother’s new address!”. That would be for my brother to do.

        1. Dark Macadamia*

          Seriously! Even if you don’t think it’s rude, it’s really weird! Why is he so invested in the whole family having this information? It doesn’t affect him at all.

    14. Person from the Resume*

      Without extra info, I’d say sharing an address with family is not rude.

      Situationally why did your FIL share your address and no one else’s? Cause on an individual level that’s for you to do, not him. OTOH my mom sends out the family address list out to 50+ aunts, uncles, cousins and no one minds.

      We are not estranged. If someone were to ask not to be included, they wouldn’t be. Folks opted-in in the first place cause my mom didn’t have everyone’s addresses before.

      What you FIL did was wrong because of the known estrangement. It sounds like he was trying to manipulate something.

    15. Anono-me*

      Yet another vote from a random internet user for rude.

      You and or your husband are perfectly capable of communicating your new address to everyone that the two of you choose .

      This action is rude and disrespectful in multiple ways.
      1. Disrespects your abilities to complete tasks as responsible adults.
      2. Disrespects your abilities to make sensible decisions.
      3. Disrespects your privacy.
      4. Disrespects your safety.

      But if FIL thinks this is okay, your husband was probably raised to think so also; hopefully this can be the beginning of a good conversation.

    16. Velociraptor Attack*

      So, I have a genuine question for you. Are you actually trying to determine if this is rude and see how it should be addressed or are you just trying to win points on the internet to prove to your husband that you’re right?

Comments are closed.