weekend open thread – Jan. 21-22, 2023

by Alison Green on January 20, 2023

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand.

Here are the rules for the weekend posts.

Book recommendation of the week: Mouth to Mouth, by Antoine Wilson. After a man saves a famous art dealer from drowning, their paths twist together in surprising ways. Beautifully written and compelling.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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  1. Ask a Manager* Post author

    A reminder that the weekend posts are for relatively light discussion — think dinner party or office break room — and comments should ask questions and/or seek to discuss ideas. Recommendations or one to two updates on things you received advice about in the past are fine, but “here’s an update on my life” personal-blog-style posts are not. The full rules are here.

  2. Falling Diphthong*

    Anyone read anything good lately?

    I am enjoying An Immense World by Ed Yong, about how animals perceive the world. For example, it offered the following distinction between taste and flavor: Flavor is innate (e.g. we like sweet and dislike bitter as newborns) while smells we learn by association.

    This is the sort of book where I read several pages and then ruminate over how butterflies have light receptors on their reproductive organs–it’s the opposite of a hard-driving plot that pulls you along, which I’m rather craving. I’ve been rereading the Scholomance for that.

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I just finished First Man, the first (only?) authorized biography of Neil Armstrong, and it was a really interesting look at not only his life, but also inside the Gemini and Apollo programs, or at least specific sections of them, especially the Apollo 11 mission and his (relationship isn’t the right word… interactions?) with Buzz Aldrin.

      1. Stitch*

        Gemini 8 is one that isn’t in the popular mindset as much but was a near disaster averted any Armstrong under very difficult circumstances (the spin could have caused him to pass out).

      2. NoIWontFixYourComputer*

        If you’re into astronaut bios, I would definitely recommend Carrying the Fire by Michael Collins. It’s widely considered the best of them all.

    2. Bookish*

      I just finished “Our Missing Hearts” and really enjoyed it!

      I’m currently reading “A Beautifully Foolish Endeavor” for my book club and I’m liking it much more than I thought I would. We read the prequel in November and the ending was meh but the sequel is much better in my opinion.

      1. the cat's pajamas*

        I agree the sequel is better. Some of the characters were so irritating and self-absorbed in the first one. I know that’s part of the point but they sometimes were exhausting to read about. So much better in the second one! I even hated the annoying characters less, lol. That almost never happens for me.

    3. Bluebell*

      I am quite enjoying The Hero of this Book by Elizabeth McCracken. It’s fiction, not a memoir, but a tribute to her mother, who passed away in 2018. So many lovely turns of phrases, and recollections. Not much plot though.

    4. LNLN*

      I just finished Exit by Belinda Bauer. It’s a mystery that is unusual and surprising and kind of humorous. I definitely recommend it!!!

    5. Rose is a roseis a rose*

      I just listened to An Immense World and also found it absolutely fascinating but I am looking forward to actually reading it so I can reread and dwell more deeply on it. He has another book, I Contain Multitudes: The Microbes Within Us and a Grander View of Life, which I thoroughly enjoyed!

    6. Lore*

      This was probably my favorite book I worked on last year and I could not happier to see it take off again in 2023. There’s so much fascinating stuff in it and the pictures are gorgeous and the author’s dog, Typo the corgi, appears in the photo insert. And the author is so smart and so nice to work with!

      For my own reading, I have finally gotten on the Perceval Everett bandwagon about 10 years later than I should have. The Trees was unsettling and disconcerting and maddening in all the right ways and I’m thrilled to have a long backlist to devour.

      1. PhyllisB*

        If you like corgis and light mysteries, check out the Mrs. Murphy series by Rita Mae Brown. They’re full of illustrations of the corgi Tucker, and Mrs Murphy the cat. Almost worth reading for pictures alone.

        1. Lore*

          Thanks! I find that I can only go a few books into most cozy series before it starts to bug me that so many people are dying in a small town without anyone bringing it up from book to book. I actually worked on Mrs Murphy books for a few years and that was enough for me! The brilliant exception is Alan Bradley’s Flavia de Luce books, where over the course of the series he slowly builds an elaborate back story to explain why Bishop’s Lacey is a criminal hotspot. And two new Flavias were just announced!

          1. PhyllisB*

            Yes, I understand about how it’s a puzzle that small towns can be such a hotbed of murder!! I love series books, but usually I have to pause and read something else for a while. It’s like the Stephanie Plum mysteries. They’re fun at first, but after a while they feel so repetitious. I read one last week for the first time in several years, and I enjoyed it, but will be a while before I pick up another one.

            1. PhyllisB*

              And thanks for the mention of Bradley Flavia. This is a new name for me, will definitely check it out.

              1. Lore*

                Oh, you are in for a treat! There are 10 books in the series, starting with The Sweetness at the Bottom of the Pie. Flavia is a precocious 11-year-old aspiring chemist with an interest in poisons, who gets into all sort of crime adjacent trouble in a small British village just after WWII.

    7. Rosyglasses*

      I read Bewilderment this week, by Richard Powers. Relatively short novel about a father who has a son who could be considered on the autism spectrum (although the protagonist has some very specific and eloquent thoughts against labels). Mother has recently died, and father is biophysicist who is exploring space for new planets. The story is gorgeous, poignant and brilliant.

    8. TechWorker*

      I read ‘Ceremony of Innocence’ by Madeleine Bunting and it was great. It’s set across Iran, Bahrain and England, and whilst definitely fiction, I found the historical elements interesting and the characters believable.

    9. Gremlin*

      Just finished listening to all the Chronicles of Narnia books. I’ve read them many times but never listened to the audio versions before. They were great — each book is read by a different person, such as Michael York, Vanessa Redgrave, Jeremy Northam, and Patrick Stewart. Lovely.

    10. English Rose*

      I’m finally reading Hench by Natalie Zina Walschots – about three quarters through and absolutely loving it!

    11. germank106*

      “Smile and look pretty” by Amanda Pellegrino. I finished “The social climber” by the same author last week and immediately ordered this one. It’s about a group of four assistants in the entertainment industry that decide to start an online blog where they (anonymously) write about their toxic work environments. Think “The worst boss….” multiplied by 1000.
      The book is sad, funny and entirely relatable if you’ve ever worked in an assistant’s position.

    12. word nerd*

      I loved An Immense World!

      I’m currently addicted to the Muderbot diaries… I blame the post from last week asking for book recs for characters to emulate, someone(s) mentioning Muderbot, which reminded me that I had only read Network Effect (which I really enjoyed) and that I should really check out the novellas as well. Now I’m racing through all the novellas and sad that I forgot my rule about not starting series that haven’t been finished yet, oops.

        1. word nerd*

          Yes, I am going through the audiobooks version! I agree, I have definitely thought, “I heart you so much, narrator” when he delivers those snarky lines. He has to be the one to do all the rest of the series, right?? I finished all the novellas in about 24 hours since each novella only takes an hour or two at 2.5x listening speed…

    13. PhyllisB*

      I just finished the latest Stephanie Plum mystery Going Rouge. Haven’t read anything in that series for quite a while, so was fun to read all the shenanigans she and Lula got in to.

    14. Reading recs*

      A work acquaintance recommended Wintering to me (by Katherine May), about how we weather the seasons of winter in our own lives. I love it –– she has a very lyrical style, and as part of her exploration of wintering, takes readers along on wintery experiences, such as ice swimming and marking the solstice. You feel really drawn in.

      I’m on to her memoir the Electricity of Every Living Thing, now, about realizing in midlife that she was autistic.

    15. GoryDetails*

      (I’ve posted to the more general what-are-we-reading thread as well, but as I do have some exceptionally good reads on hand I wanted to include them here.)

      SWEAT by Bill Hayes, a history of exercise – it’s another of his marvelous biographies-of-things. In this case, exercise (with a section on the composition and function of literal sweat). So far it includes some truly delightful bits about his visits with rare-books librarians and archivists in New York, France, and Italy – in the latter, a by-appointment-only jaunt to a palazzo on Isola Bella to see the original drawings that illustrated a 16th-century book about exercise. Hayes’ books blend deep-dive explorations of the subjects – from insomnia to blood to anatomy – with tidbits of personal memoir, and are a delight to read.

      Carrying-around book: SPARROW HILL ROAD by Seanan McGuire, a collection of loosely-linked stories featuring Rose, the urban-legend “ghost-girl hitchhiker,” as she conducts her afterlife in attempts to help save others from death or, if that’s not possible, to ease their way to their own afterlives.

      1. Suze*

        If you like Seanan McGuire try the series of novellas The Wayward Children. I just finished the eighth book. They are portal fantasy and very good.

        2. GoryDetails*

          Oh, yes, I adore the “Wayward Children” books. I’ve read other of McGuire’s works – and her “Newsflesh” zombie-series under her “Mira Grant” name as well.

        3. Suze*

          If you like Urban Fantasy you could start with the October Daye series or the Incryptid series. She also writes under the pseudonym Mira Grant. Those books are more violent.

      2. Jackalope*

        Question: if I were going to start reading Seanan McGuire, what’s a good starting point? She sounds like she might be someone I’d enjoy, but she’s got so many books that it’s a bit daunting.

        1. GoryDetails*

          Re a starter book for McGuire – I’d say it depends on what kinds of things you like. The Wayward Children series starts with Every Heart a Doorway, a fairly short book that should tell you whether you’ll like the series or not. If you like post-zombie-apocalypse tales, her “Newsflesh” books (under the name Mira Grant) are good – “Feed” is the first novel. If you like short stories, “Rise” is a collection set in the same ‘verse.

          For medical-drama/SF, there’s Parasitology and sequels (also under the “Grant” name).

          Oh, and if you’d like a standalone book, McGuire’s “Dust or Dark or Dawn or Day” might be of interest – it involves a world in which ghosts can interact with the living under certain conditions, and where the (dead) protagonist has to try and stop a force that’s changing the way the supernatural world functions.

    16. Junior Dev*

      I just finished the second book in the Machineries of Empire trilogy by Yoon Ha Lee and ordered the third. I really love his writing. It’s the sort of sci-fi/fantasy that is as concerned with symbolic resonance as it is with “realism” and that really appeals to me.

      1. Person from the Resume*

        I enjoyed the series. It feels like science fiction because the fantasy/magical element is treated like science with understood and researched rules. It’s complicated and complex.

        And I’m a sci fi fan, but generally don’t care for fantasy.

    17. E. Chauvelin*

      I’m just starting Legends & Lattes by Travis Baldree, about an orc who retires from adventuring to open a coffee shop. It seems like it’s going to be pretty light but lots of fun. I’ve heard good things from several people.

    19. OtterB*

      I am dipping into An Immense World and liking it.

      I’m having a bit of a reading slump so far this year; I’ve been doing a lot of rereading jumping around to favorite scenes or sequences but not reading anything straight through. The first new thing I’m reading that’s hooked me enough that I expect to finish it is The Keeper’s Six by Kate Elliott. It is in some ways a classic fantasy adventure but in others really not. I am enjoying the characters and their relationships, and the worldbuilding. A group of six, a “hex” is required to operate in the Beyond to move between worlds. Each person has a specific role and talents. The main character, Esther, is pulled into the adventure and pulls in the others to help because her adult son, who is also a member of the hex, has been kidnapped.

      I have also been reading Jo Walton’s What Makes This Book So Great. The ebook is on sale. It’s a compilation of some of her essays from the late 2000s in a series at tor.com on reareading classics of science fiction and fantasy. Each essay is short. I enjoyed the original posts and I am enjoying coming back to them, whether I’ve read the book/series she’s discussing or not.

    20. Overeducated*

      That sounds like an interesting book to talk about with others, and Ed Yong is a great writer. Thanks!

      I’m reading Nona the Ninth. Third in a series.

    21. Brrrr*

      I am halfway through The Unlikely Pilgrimage of Harold Fry, by Rachel Joyce, and I am loving it. Beautifully written.

      1. Toads, Beetles, Bats*

        I think about this book SO OFTEN. I wouldn’t have guessed at the time how much it would stay with me!

    22. Giles*

      Recently read Remarkably Bright Creatures by Shelby Van Pelt with my book club and I keep recommending it to everyone. It was the rare book that everyone in my book club enjoyed.

    23. noncommittal pseudonym*

      Late to the party, but I’ve been rereading golden-age mystery novels. I have most of them in print form, so I’m gradually buying Kindle copies. I’m currently on #26 of 33 of the Ngaio Marsh Roderick Alleyn books. They’re in chronological order, so started in 20’s era Britain. In the one I’m reading now, they mention that hot musical show, Hair. Marsh was a New Zealander writing about British detectives, and was particularly interested in what would then be called race relations. It’s been interesting to watch her treatment of the subject evolve over time. She also likes to bring back minor characters from previous books into later ones, which is fun.

      I think I’ll tackle rereading and buying Christie novels next. That will be a big project!

    24. Pyanfar*

      Both TJ Klune books, Under the Whispering Door, and House in the Cerulean Sea. (The books aren’t related, but both have super interesting premises and good vibes!

    26. TuckerMom*

      I’ve just finished listening to The Ninth House and Hell Bent. So exciting and creative! I really enjoyed the Scholomance books and thought these were even better.

    27. bleh*

      Getting through We Don’t Know Ourselves by Fintan O’Toole. It’s gorgeously written and so helpful to contextualize late 20th Century Ireland.

    28. PurplePeopleEater*

      Just finished The Atrocity Archives by Charlie Stross and it was great: spy thriller with Eldritch horror. I can’t remember who mentioned it in a previous weekend thread here, but I’m so glad they did!

    1. Falling Diphthong*

      Sunday is Answer Your Cat’s Questions Day! (Saturday is International Sweat Pants Day, which I plan to observe by wearing sweat pants.)

      Destructobot wants to know why there are no snakes in winter. (I think what happens is that snakes are able to wiggle into our basement garage when the weather gets cold, and then the cats find them and bring them upstairs to play with. But it means I’m now very paranoid about greenish cylinders on the kitchen floor, becoming alarmed about what turns out to be asparagus.)

    3. Lizzie (with the deaf cat)*

      If I remember correctly, I think Wallace is the one who was always so welcoming and reassuring to new cats as they came along to join the family!

      1. Ask a Manager* Post author

        Yes! He is so excited to meet new cats and wants to demonstrate what fun they will have jumping out of tunnels at each other, etc., while also being very polite and respectful.

    4. Expiring Cat Memes*

      Sit up straight. Shoulders back. Three quarter turn face to camera… and smile… *FLASH*

      Wallace Green portrait, class of ‘23

  4. Jackalope*

    I think this is a slightly different question than the one above (which asked about good books lately). What has everyone been reading this week? Any sort of reading is welcome.

    Also, looking for a rec. Has anyone read any good middle grade or YA books that have come out recently about cats or shapeshifters that change into cats? Let me know if you have thoughts.

    I’m currently reading Dirty Secret by Jessie Sholl. It’s a memoir by a woman whose mother is a hoarder, and I’m finding it very interesting. I also tried to read Hester by Laurie Albanese and could not manage it at all. The main character’s life was so stressful in the beginning that I noped out after about 30 pages.

    1. Bluebell*

      I had high hopes for Such Sharp Teeth, by the author who wrote Crackle, which I loved. It was good, but not great. Finished The Very Secret Society of Irregular Witches and enjoyed it. And I laughed more than I expected at Yearbook by Seth Rogen.

    2. Hlao-roo*

      These aren’t recent books, but two good series about cats are the Warriors series by Erin Hunter (about groups of feral cats that live in the woods) and the Lionboy trilogy by Zizou Corder (about a boy who can speak to all felines).

      1. Clisby*

        Man, my daughter loved the Warriors books. I was gobsmacked at the sheer number of books Erin Hunter wrote until I found out Erin Hunter is a pseudonym for 4 people.

      2. allathian*

        My son loves them, he’s read about 4 of the series so far. They’ve really improved his reading speed and active vocabulary.

        1. the cat's pajamas*

          I started listening to the audiobooks when they showed up on my digital book app from the library. I’m enjoying them so far!

    3. Foreign Octopus*

      I listened to How to Kill Your Family, by Bella Mackie. I really enjoyed 90% of it but the ending let me down as I felt it came out of nowhere and didn’t hit right. However, I do think people should give it a read.

      I also read Spare, by Prince Harry. As a British person it didn’t give me much of a new insight into the royal family as most of us know they’re a bit of an emotionally stunted mess, but it did bring me a new perspective on Harry. In a lot of ways, he’s still that little boy he was when his mum died and it’s very sad.

      I’m now listening to Permanent Record, by Edward Snowde.

    4. UKDancer*

      Have you tried Diane Duane? She wrote a couple of YAish books about 2 cats who are wizards (or wizards who are cats depending on your perspective). The first one is called “The Book of Night with Moon” followed by 2 more. They’re a spin off of her series of “Young Wizards” books about 2 human wizards and it might help to read the Young Wizard books first for the context.

      I’m not hugely a cat person so I preferred the ones about the human wizards but I did like the fact she’d thought a lot about cats and how they think and interact.

    5. The OG Sleepless*

      I just finished Horse by Geraldine Brooks, on the strong recommendation of my bibliophile mom, and loved it.

      1. Cookie*

        I was looking at that one today since I have an Audible credit. Will put it in the queue next time!

    6. Falling Diphthong*

      This is the opposite of recent, but I have fond memories of Star Ka’at by Andre Norton. Space-faring psychic cats and the young humans they rescue.

    7. Rage*

      My good friend Avery Ames has the 2nd book in her YA series (The Faerie Concerto) coming out 1/31: Serenade. The first book is Cambiare. Yeah, she’s my friend, but I *loved* Cambiare and can’t wait for Serenade. She’s a really excellent writer, and I believe there may be a cat-person in the series. (And bi-representation in the book, which is awesome.)

      Cambiare: Everyone knows the fae are dangerous. Beautiful, capricious creatures, they are as enticing as they are forbidden.

      When Princess Cirelle’s brother falls deathly ill, there’s only one sure way to save him: a secret bargain with one of the fae folk. The cost? A year of servitude in the mystical faerie realm. But her new fae master, Ellian, conceals secrets even deadlier than his charming smile.

      Serenade: Cirelle has survived her first encounter with the cruelty of the fae, including the machinations of her charming sidhe host Ellian. Unable to forgive him for his past lies, the flames that once flickered between Cirelle and Ellian have gone cold. However, the ruthless fae prince Adaleth still seeks to close the gates between their worlds, and Cirelle must work alongside Ellian to stop him.

      Worse, Cirelle accidentally claimed a pair of cursed knives that now speak to her in dreams, in whispers of violence and blood. They tell her secrets, things only the shadows see. But she’s not the only one who wants the blades, and some are willing to go to any length–even murder–to take them.

    8. Person from the Resume*

      I just started audiobook of The Girls Are All So Nice Here. Some sort of thriller where a college student and her roommate did some bad in college and she’s invited to her reunion.

      Not my normal thing, but I was listening some rather dreary translated sci fi stories and it just required a lot of attention to catch the setting of each short story. I usually need a particular type of audiobook that can be understood without full attention and going back because I listen while going about my day to day activity in the house.

    9. GoryDetails*

      So I’ll split my reading between this thread and the “good books” one – not that these aren’t good, just not AS good as others I’ve read/am reading.

      DOOMSDAY WITH MY DOG, a comedy manga about a girl and her dog in post-apocalyptic Japan. (Yes, really. It’s mostly 4-panel strips of the girl and the dog snarking at each other – though with the occasional very touching sequence here and there.)

      Am just starting THE FALCON ALWAYS WINGS TWICE, one of Donna Andrews’ punny-titled cozy mysteries; this one features a Renaissance Faire.

      And for something chilling, THE TOWN THAT FORGOT HOW TO BREATHE by Kenneth J. Harvey, set in Newfoundland and blending a bizarre illness with increasingly strange events – visions of unusual sea creatures, the bodies of decades-dead residents drifting ashore and looking as if they’d just died, and more. I’m enjoying it, though there are times when it doesn’t seem to be internally consistent – and the “rage” symptoms of that illness are causing otherwise sympathetic characters to contemplate horrible deeds…

    11. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

      I’m reading Harry Potter for the first time at the belated age of 31 and enjoying it more than I thought I would. Besides the story, it’s kind of fun comparing the knowledge I’d picked up through osmosis to the actual story. I had thought Professor McGonegall was the headmistress and Dumbledore was an ordinary teacher.

      Well, technically I’m listening to Harry Potter e a Pedra Filosofal, and then reading it in English, then listening to it again. I recommend it as a language learning technique. When I started I was like, “Petunia? I think that’s a name?” but now I can roughly understand 1/2 to 1/3 of what is going on, and I’m only on chapter 13.

    12. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Not recent, but delightful feline aliens: “Uhura’s Song” by Janet Kagan. Described to me before I read it as “the only Star Trek novel worth reading”–and still the only one I actually bought. Themes include environmental consequences of technology, interaction of folk traditions and archaeology, intellectual property, what makes someone an adult, and limitations of the universal translator.
      (2020+warning–there’s an interstellar pandemic.)

      1. the bean moves on*

        i wonder if i still have. copy of that one. is that the one that gave her a first name?

    13. Rage*

      Oh, I don’t know if it’s YA necessarily, and it’s not recent, but “Tailchaser’s Song” by Tad Williams is always a delightful read. (Now I need to unearth my copy and play hookey from work and school to re-read it.)

  5. Jackalope*

    Gaming thread! Share any games you’ve been playing this week. As always, all games are great, not just video games.

    I just got the new Fire Emblem game (Engage, I think it is). I haven’t started it yet but will after dinner tonight. Super excited!

    1. Bookgarden*

      Playing Midnight Suns and really enjoying it. Also playing Spiritfarer and oh gosh is that one a delight.

    2. SparklingBlue*

      Grinding in Pokemon Scarlet, and wanting to get my hands on Dragon Quest Treasures or the upcoming Tales of Symphonia remaster.

    3. Rosyglasses*

      Our family of three is attempting to master Root (a very complex board game) again. I think a couple more plays will get there – and then we will all switch factions and have to learn again!

      2. Junior Dev*

        Dorfromantik (I think that’s the spelling?) is a super relaxing game about building towns and farmlands

        Wytchwood is a crafting/trade sequence game with a fun story

        Carto is a puzzle game about maps that is very cute

      3. Era*

        I played Last Campfire earlier this week — it’s very cozy and good!

        Now I’m diving into Ori and the Blind Forest, and enjoying it lots as well.

    5. Tired*

      I managed to fit in a short dungeons & dragons game over Skype with my nibling and their friends, all stressed out exam year sixthformers – some much needed silliness was enjoyed by all as they chased a gremlin around a kitchen… (right triumphed and all got cake at the end even the gremlin).

    6. Anonymath*

      I’ve been playing my usual games (Pokémon go, Disney Magic Kingdoms) but also hanging out in Stardew Valley again. I find Stardew soothing when I have a cold and need something low pressure and relaxing that I don’t need to think about too much. Perfect for a stuffy head. I just finished replaying through the Kingdom Rush series of games. I enjoy the strategy of a tower challenge and it’s awfully cute. It also has great and funny Easter eggs.

      Now that I’m done with Kingdom Rush again, I’m back to hidden picture games. Played through Hidden Folks again and am working on Hidden Through Time, which is similar enough. I’ve recently purchased Wind Peaks on a recommendation that it was similar to Hidden Folks and so far it’s just ok. I probably wouldn’t recommend paying full price for it though.

    7. Falling Diphthong*

      Someone yesterday suggested Blendoku, a solitaire phone game, and it’s exactly the sort of quick, brief, no timer puzzles that I like if I am out and unexpectedly have to sit and kill time. (I don’t like reading websites or watching video on my phone–I use my laptop for that, and bring a book when I know waiting is involved.) You put colors in order as they get less green and more yellow, or whatnot.

      My other phone game (which I really like, but I’ve played it a lot) is Singularity, in which you flip over tiles according to various rules, aiming to get them all the same color.

    8. Junior Dev*

      Been playing the Switch port of Skyward Sword and really liking it. I couldn’t get into it when I first got it a year or two ago but it’s growing on me. I played the Oracle games on Gameboy when I was a preteen and so that’s always sort of my point of reference for Zelda games. Of course it won’t feel the same because I’m not 12 anymore, but it’s giving me the same feeling of magic and imaginative whimsy I remember from those games. Breath of the Wild is very good but I guess I didn’t get as immersed in it—I think there are limits to how absorbing the storytelling can be in an open world game.

    9. Emotional support capybara (he/him)*

      Yakuza 7/ Like a Dragon continues to be an utter delight. Ichi has followed in Kiryu’s footsteps by donning a certain costume and beating the absolute snot out of bad guys in it. I filled a plot- mandated party vacancy with a mild- mannered secretary and immediately watched her reduce a bad guy to a fine red paste with a steel ruler (seriously, the Clerk is delightfully OP and her Thumbtack Scatter skill is a bona fide weapon of mass destruction). There are trash mimics. Someone ordered a Nishitani from Y0 off Aliexpress and he showed up with a wrecking ball. Good times.

    11. Jackalope*

      For any other Fire Emblem fans, I started the game. The game play is similar to Three Houses, and a lot of the animation as well. I’m not sure about the story line yet – it seems a bit cheesy, and not as strong as 3H – but I’m hoping it will get better as time goes on. Haven’t made it past the “tutorial” phase yet; I think I just finished chapter 3? But the chapters don’t take very long, or at least they haven’t up to this point.

    12. Lemonwhirl*

      We’ve been enjoying the boardgame Formula D. I got it for my son for Christmas because he’s mad into Formula 1. I wouldn’t have gone for it ordinarily, because it’s a dice game, and a lot of times, dice games weight luck too heavily. But Formula D really uses the mechanism of dice and the board to simulate some of the challenges of Formula 1 racing. The other side of the board has the “Formula D” street racing circuit, but we’re not ready for it yet.

    13. Vistaloopy*

      Crisis Core Reunion! It’s fun to play and I absolutely love the main character, as well as the larger story of FFVII. Cannot wait for FFVII Rebirth to come out. I’ll have to get a PS5 for that though.

    14. DarthVelma*

      Been immersed in Sea of Thieves again this weekend. We ran into our first hacker on Friday night. Reported him. He hacked onto our ship, took all of our supplies, and had the nerve to call me toxic for shooting at him. Anyway, he flipped our ship over but we managed to get everything right-side up and back on track.

      Over the course of the weekend I fought and defeated my first Kraken, got to level 100 for the season, killed a couple Megalodons (one in the middle of a terrible storm), and somehow survived a volcano exploding basically on top of our ship. I levelled several times in “bailing”. :-)

    15. The Dude Abides*

      Haven’t played much, but did get another package with artist-signed Magic foils.

      Any gamers on here in the Pittsburgh area? I will be there 2/3-2/5 for a conference at the Hyatt House, and want to hit up a LGS to play at FNM while I am there.

    16. Porch Screens*

      Still plugging away at Pathfinder: Wrath of the Righteous but I think I’ve finally made it to the final chapter so the end is coming into view! Also took a detour to play through Return of the Obra Dinn, which was fantastic, and am now currently playing Spiritfarer which is *such* a cozy game and perfect for when I’ve got downtime at work.

  6. Old Plant Woman*

    I would love to hear your experiences of caring for community cats, specifically how you avoided becoming too emotionally involved, My little sweetie has been spayed and ear clipped. She’s short legged, long haired and round as a melon. She spends her days in and out of my shop (cat door) hiding and eating a good bit. Nights, she’s at neighbor’s shed with food and a warm bed.
    She tolerates being talked to, but not looked at. I want to feed her, but not feel sorry for her because she will never want cuddles or a warm bed by the fireplace. Ideas?

    1. Rhiannon*

      My aunt and a few of her neighbors care for a few community cats similarly to how you describe, i.e. providing shelter and food. The cats roam as they please, and remain outdoors. My aunt talks softly to them, which seems to be the extent of her emotional engagement with the kitties. She loves it when they curl up in the basket on her patio.

    2. Golden*

      I follow Kitten Lady on YouTube and Facebook, and she’s made at least a couple videos/posts on how ferals are strong and beautiful, and not to be pitied. Unfortunately I think these were necessitated by people being rude to her for devoting her resources towards neonatal kittens instead of taming the feral moms, but her information and attitude towards ferals felt really fresh and healthy to me!

    3. Rage*

      I don’t do community cats (for a number of reasons) but I’ve done rescue and currently do wildlife rehab, and keeping yourself from getting TOO emotionally enmeshed is critical. My very first foster litter (stray kittens) did that to me – I fell in love with one of them and he died in my hands at 8 weeks. I bawled for days but it taught me where my “walls” needed to be and that has been an immense help over the past 20 years or so.

      I think the thing to remember is: you CANNOT save them all, so don’t even try. Focus on the ones you can. Your shop-melon has just what she wants: food, security, a warm place to sleep. If she doesn’t want cuddles or a bed by the fire, then that’s HER choice, and forcing her to accept something she doesn’t want will end badly for both of you.

      1. Siobahn*

        Great post. I plan to foster cats and dogs when I retire, and, having had pets my whole life, I am prepping for fostering partly by getting used to framing things as “You’re loving them as much as you can while they’re with you.”

        If only we could save them all. I’m sorry your kitten passed away, Rage. I’d have sobbed for days, too.

        1. Cat and dog fosterer*

          I tell myself that the ones that die were always too sick to be saved even before they came to me. At least I was able to give them a safe, warm end with a full belly. And there are a lot that I saved who would have otherwise died. I never know which is which from the start, so it is sad when they die, but I am much better after a good sleep and telling myself that I did my best.

    4. Cat and dog fosterer*

      I have started to do a lot of TNR, because while I can’t save them all the spay surgeries reduce suffering the most. If a female is spayed then she has 10 fewer kittens the next year. Even if you would have rescued those specific kittens, the spaying still means that there are 10 fewer feral kittens living a harsh outdoor life. Very rarely am I working with friendly cats, because those that are friendly get helped by other rescues. Mine is purely about numbers, not cuddles, and knowing that there will be less suffering. It is very hard to find people who focus on this, in part because the cats can be sick and the boys are often stinky, and those volunteers that do are amazing (I no longer have cats of my own and won’t adopt more because I want to do a lot of TNRs, and I don’t want to risk any cat of mine. A lot of people who do TNR have cats, so I’m very unusual, but I like that I own dogs and can take in the sicker cats without worry).

      You can feel sorry for yours, but it won’t change anything about her. Know that she is so much happier outdoors, and it is hard for me to send some of them back outside knowing that they could be killed the next week by a coyote, and yet they would be completely miserable in a home. In my case there is no way that all could be indoors because there aren’t hundreds of homes willing to house feral cats.

      There is a rescue expression that we can’t change the world, but we can change their world. We can’t fix every feral cat (yet) but each one we spay changes their life. We have colonies that went from very sick with a lot of kitten deaths to healthy and happy within a year or two of a TNR program. It works.

      I don’t know if these comments are at all useful to you. Your request was a bit vague so if you want to know more about a specific part then please ask! I’m a huge advocate for anyone who wants to help the ferals.

      1. Old Plant Woman*

        Thanks everybody! You’re a big help. I’m gonna try to settle myself with knowing she eats well, and stop wishing she’d wink at and say “Let’s go party. You bring the catnip and I’ll bring the mice.”

    5. PleaseNo*

      Becoming emotionally invested is not a bad thing. I love all 26 of my community cats and don’t regret it no matter the downs.
      I think you are looking for how to love them on their terms versus your terms. Love them how they want to be loved- provide food, shelter, water, vet care, and a place to be themselves. If they change their mind later about wanting more from you they will let you know. But respect them and dignify them as the individuals they are just like you do with people. They are lucky to have you!

      1. Rage*

        Well, no, it’s not a bad thing inherently, you’re going to get attached, you’re going to have feelings. That’s normal. But it’s when you get TOO attached that it can be problematic.

        I know people in the rescue world who end up in hoarding situations because they “can’t turn down an animal in need!” Hell, we’ve got a few rescues here in my city that are like that, begging and pleading for people to step in and pull more and more dogs/cats out of the shelter (and if nobody does they pull them anyway and fob them off on those who they know won’t refuse). But the thing is: there are limited homes, and a seemingly unlimited supply of animals. If I take in a dog or cat that is not a good candidate for adoption (could be for a variety of reasons: aggression, behavioral, medical, feral/fear of humans), that means that space is being taken up when it could be used for one that is an excellent candidate for adoption. People who are TOO emotionally invested will tear themselves apart trying to help the un-help-able.

        It comes down to a numbers game: when the supply of animals is massively greater than the homes available, then euthanasia is inevitable. Period. Harsh, but true. And trying to prevent that by simply “pulling more dogs from shelters” is a teeny tiny bandage on a gaping wound.

        1. Chauncy Gardener*

          +1000 Rage. I did pitbull rescue for a long time (way before Rachel Ray came in and made them at least a bit more socially acceptable). I remember being at a huge state rescue (that goes by initials) and they had an aggressive pit who had been returned twice. I asked why they hadn’t put him down. A gal who worked there was in love (blinded by it) with him and thought he would eventually find the right home. I told her either you take him home yourself or put him down, because all you’ve done is cemented in two families’ minds that pits are no good and they actually would never trust any rescue dog now. And that dog was unadoptable by anyone except maybe Cesar Milan

  7. L. Ron Jeremy*

    Anyone get a chance to watch ‘The Traitors’ on Netflix? I really enjoyed the series and I like the fact that you knew who the traitors were up front, unlike ‘The Mole’.

    I think a second season will be coming. I also liked Allen Cummings and his various outfits that he wore as the host.

    What do you guys think?

    1. TechWorker*

      I watched the U.K. version which I loved (and everyone I knew seemed to be watching it, which made great water cooler conversation). I think Netflix is probably the US one..? Which I haven’t seen but the bbc bought the rights to, so I could watch it.

    3. Glazed Donut*

      I’m midway through it! I like that I know some of the people (braboholic here) but had a few stumbles keeping up with the Big Brother and Survivor people I don’t know.
      It’s definitely a bit more mind-y than plenty of other shows. I’m fascinated by Kate. Is it strategy? Is she just being herself?

      1. Malarkey01*

        Just another recommendation since you’re a braboholic, but if you haven’t heard of it you might enjoy the podcast Watch What Crappens. Two guys recap bravo shows and they are HILARIOUS. (I listen to below deck recaps).

    4. NoIWontFixYourComputer*

      Shameless plug here, but related (becasue of game show). If this is out of line, Allison, please feel free to nuke it.

      Yours truly will be on Master Minds this coming week (I think Monday, but they never gave me a firm date).

  8. HBJ*

    Makeup Q.

    A couple weeks ago, I asked about BB/CC creams because I was looking for something lighter than foundation. When I looked at the store, I was surprised to see some of them, Elf’s for one, labeled as “full coverage” and lots of different shades just like foundation. I’m not looking for something full coverage, just something to hopefully even out my skin tone a little. I ditched foundation in 2019 and have no desire to go back to it. I also don’t really want to have to seriously match a product to my skin. That was part of the reason I ditched foundation – I felt like I could never get a good match. And even if I did in the bathroom, it looked bad in daylight or I could never blend it enough to not leave a line on my jaw.

    Is a tinted moisturizer more what I should be looking for? How heavy are BB/CC creams compared to foundation?

    I’m looking for not too expensive and preferably what I can get at Target/Walmart/Walgreens, etc.

    1. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

      I have (checks makeup bag real quick) the Maybelline “dream BB fresh” and I think it’s about what you are looking for. It’s the first BB cream I’ve tried so I can’t recommend it over another brand, but it did SERIOUSLY convert me to BB cream. It doesn’t have to be a perfect match for color (I got a shade too dark the first time and it still looked good), it blends in beautifully, and it makes my skin look really good.

      I never could make foundation look good. It was impossible to get the right color, and if I did manage to get something close my tan would darken or fade and the color would be utterly wrong again. Plus it made my face look flat since I don’t contour. I didn’t officially ditch it, but I just never wore it because I didn’t have one I liked.

      I do feel the need for a bit of blush with BB cream, but it looks really natural otherwise. Seriously, the stuff somehow covers up the redness near my nose and evens out my skin tone, while still looking basically sheer.

      TLDR: I think BB cream is what you are looking for and I highly recommend it. I lightly recommend Maybelline’s stuff.

      1. Want to simplify my beauty routine*

        I’m excited to be reading about BB and CC cream products. I’ve never heard of them until now, but they sound like what I’m looking for. After not wearing foundation for 20 years, I started wearing it again a few months ago to cover up the redness in my skin and even things out. I also use a primer. My morning routine consists of cleansing, treatment essence, eye repair cream, moisturizer, primer, color corrector, foundation, and makeup. I want to simplify my routine again! I am in my 50s with an oily t zone and some redness. Should I be using a BB cream or a CC cream? I’ve also just read about DD cream, which seems to be both creams in one and more like full coverage. Has anyone tried it? Does it feel more like a foundation? I’m looking for a simple and natural look. Thanks!

        1. Ellis Bell*

          Nobody knows the difference between BB creams, CC creams and tinted moisturisers! I use a rather expensive tinted moisturizer because I love the rosewater in it (Chantecaille) and like Elspeth, I sometimes get a different shade in it and it still looks fine. I went in to the non-foundation experiment wanting the most super light shade there is, because I’m ultra pale, foundation always looks wrong, and I used to have to mix it with colour perfector and moisturizer. However the makeup artist in store said to actually go a shade darker in tinted moisturizer to wake up the skin, and she’s actually kind of right. Really though, it’s just very blendable and light. If I wasn’t a sucker for rosewater, I would buy Olay CC cream. It’s lovely and cheap as chips.

      2. Damn it, Hardison!*

        I love Bare Minerals Complexion Rescue. It’s light and has SPF. I get it at either Sephora or Ulta; if you have an Ulta in your Target it might be available there. I think Sephora carries mini tubes so you can try it out. They (or someone at Ulta) can help you find your right shade. I really recommend getting help matching the right shade; or maybe it’s just me being really, really bad at it.

    2. Rose*

      In my experience, BB creams are light, CC creams are usually light but seem to have no real definition and can be heavier. I don’t think there’s truly much or any difference between a BB cream vs tinted moisturizer. I think it’s a marketing gimmick.

      I personally hate the feeling of anything heavy on my skin and having to do too much work blending/matching. My favorite is Tarte but for drugstore options L’Oréal skin paradise water infused tinkers moisturizer and Maybelline dream fresh BB cream both feel really light, and even out skin tone/blend imperfections while still being very sheer (so a perfect match is not an issue).

    3. Catherine*

      This will sound bonkers but I stopped using foundation entirely about two weeks after I started using L’Occitane’s Divine Youth Oil because of how quickly it evened out my skin tone. I am very glad of it, since I too was fed up with the color matching game. Unfortunately, it’s pretty spendy, although the bottle lasts a very long time since you only need 2-3 drops for your whole face/neck/decollete.

    4. Snoozing not schmoozing*

      Have you tried mixing a light foundation or a BB cream with a light, non-oily moisturiser, like Neutrogena or Nivea original, or whatever you use on your face in the daytime?

      1. English Rose*

        Yes that’s what I was going to say. You can mix to the consistency you want.
        Also, don’t feel you have to use either BB cream or foundation all over your face. I use moisturiser all overmy face (one with UV protection), let it settle, then mix a bit more with a light foundation and use that where I’m a bit blotchy, in my case around the nose. I pop it on with a big fat foundation brush.

      2. The New Wanderer*

        This is what I do. I cleaned out one of the nice glass containers from a night cream and mix together Maybelline BB cream, Nivea original cream, and Neutragena face sunscreen for the extra SPF. It ends up really sheer so probably wouldn’t even out skin too much, but has just enough pigment for my taste. I sometimes dust on BareMinerals finishing veil powder if I want to look more polished.

      3. HBJ*

        I think this is a little more work than I want to do. Also, another part of the reason I quit wearing foundation is I didn’t end up loving the way it looked on my face after awhile. The texture and the way it sad on my face. So I’d have to find a foundation I liked. Plus, the most recent foundation I used was a stick foundation.

        1. juneybug*

          You probably meant sat, not sad on your face. But honestly I think sad works better than sat (thinking of a poor sad face on top of your foundation).

    5. londonedit*

      I love Erborian CC cream. It’s white when it comes out of the tube, but it blends into your skin tone and just makes everything look better! I have pale skin and use the ‘Clair’ shade.

      1. Emma*

        I’ve heard good things about this one, as well as a redness corrector, and want to try the travel versions soon!

    6. ecnaseener*

      I haven’t tried BB cream yet, but tinted moisturizer is definitely a very light coverage color-wise. Not so light that it doesn’t get clumpy on dry skin – the internet tells me I should use a base layer under it, but…it’s moisturizer? I guess you can use it as moisturizer if no one’s going to see it, or as makeup, but not both until your skin is less dry.

    7. Kiki*

      JVN talked about using a light concealer all over (maybe on Queer Eye, maybe on an IG post? I can’t remember), and I tried that out and have liked the results! I also will sometimes do a few areas with concealer and then a tinted moisturizer and it helps to make things look smooth while still feeling really light (& it’s easy to apply).

      1. HBJ*

        Oh wow, I can’t imagine doing that! That seems like it would not look good, plus I think I’d run into the same problems as foundation with trying to get the right color match.

        I ditched foundation, but I still use concealer. I use it on blemishes and on my chin and some areas around my nose and mouth for redness.

    8. WellRed*

      I’ve used several different bb creams, they are all very light and rub right in. I’m currently using neutrogena healthy skin anti aging perfector.

    9. Data/Lore*

      I have a tinted oil from Maybelline that surprised me with how well it works- I have fairly even skin tone, and don’t want a super huge amount of coverage, and as I am “ancestors might have been assumed to be vampires” pale, a lot of more affordable foundations and tinted moisturizers are hard to match to my skin. The tinted oil blends to my skin really well, and I can build it in spots if I want without it looking or feeling heavy, and bonus: I can leave it on all day without it becoming irritating.

    10. Whiskey on the rocks*

      I love bb creams and tinted moisturizers for those same reasons, easy to blend, light feeling, not too makeup-y. Tarte is my favorite. I was using their Amazonian clay tinted Moisturizer which I liked a lot, but most recently I bought their SEA serum foundation (don’t ask me, I don’t know what that means), which I love even more. I use a damp beauty blender to pat it on. You can also do a subscription (which can be delayed or cancelled anytime) and get a little discount on it. Not that you asked but their Shape Tape concealer is also the best thing I’ve found for under my eyes and around my nose without creasing.

      1. HamlindigoBlue*

        Agreeing with Tarte. My go-to is the Amazonian clay, but I also really like the Maracuja tinted moisturizer. I just got the Hydroflex serum foundation to try, but that one is considered a medium coverage foundation and not a tinted moisturizer. I just really like Tarte in general. I keep trying other concealers and moisturizers, but I always go back to Tarte. I know it’s not something that can be found at a drugstore, but it’s available at Sephora and Ulta where you can try it before buying.

  9. SJW*

    Allison I made (and kept) a goal to read 50 books last year. I got many of my ideas from your lists, as I often find that your favorites are also some of mine! Loved Lucy By The Sea – so sparse yet so rich. I really enjoyed my year of reading thanks in part to some of your suggestions!

    1. Ask a Manager* Post author

      I’m so glad! My mom and I read Lucy By the Sea together and both really loved it. I did soooo much reading when I was off in December and have so many stored up recommendations from that coming…

      1. Outside Earthling*

        Alison, do you read in long stretches of several hours, or in between doing other things? And do your cats ‘let’ you have all the reading time you want? I find that since I got my dog, whenever I sit down in one of my comfy seats with my Kindle, he just sees it as a signal to play. I end up watching TV so that I can be on the other end of a tug toy or throw his ball. He is a sweetheart and I don’t mind but I miss those long uninterrupted stretches of time to get properly immersed in a book.

        1. English Rose*

          Not Alison here, but I set aside a ten-minute reading stretch in the morning and a half-hour in the evening when I do nothing else but read. I actually set a timer. It’s surprising how quickly you can get through doing that. But currently no cats to interrupt me, very sad to say :(

        2. PhyllisB*

          The dog I have now lays in the recliner with me plastered against my leg so no problem reading. My last two dogs though…one was a chihuahua and would lay in my lap. The other one was a toy malti-poo and would lay on my chest RIGHT UNDER my chin. I(I never knew a 3 pound dog could take up so much room!!) I learned to spit out hair and read through fur. :-)

        3. Ask a Manager* Post author

          My reading time is mostly in bed before I fall asleep (which means if the book is good, it will be hours at a time and I am up way too late). My cats like it — they would prefer I be constantly reclining in bed so they can lay on or against me.

          1. slowingaging*

            I freely admit, either I read the whole book (and yes to the early morning hours) or if I don’t like it I will skip to the final chapter and close the book.

          2. allathian*

            This happens to me too. It’s one reason why I mostly read new to me books on Fridays and Saturdays and when I’m on vacation. There’s less risk of me staying up too long reading with books I’ve read and enjoyed before. I’m in my 50s now and I definitely can’t pull all-nighters anymore the way I did when I was younger.

      2. Chauncy Gardener*

        I was actually going to post today to ask if you had any surprise favorites from that month!

        1. Ask a Manager* Post author

          Yes! I have really been wanting light and fluffy and I discovered Jasmine Guillory and to my enormous surprise (since I’ve never been a romance reader) really enjoyed By the Book.

          1. Chauncy Gardener*

            I will have to check it out. I just had surgery (all good) and am need of light and fluffy!

          2. PhyllisB*

            Alison, I’ve been meaning to ask you if you ever read Whisper Network by Chandler Baker, and if you did, did you like it? (I emailed you a couple of years ago offering you an extra copy I had but you told me you already had it.) I was wondering because I started reading it and it didn’t really grab me so quit. If you enjoyed it I might give it another chance.

  10. Bluebell*

    Creative beverage suggestions? My health provider is recommending I increase my fluid intake but it can’t be plain water or seltzer. I’ve been adding an ounce of fruit juice to seltzer, and also drinking herbal teas, but would love more variety, but not too much sugar!

    1. Rhiannon*

      I really like Gatorade Zero [calories], especially the orange, grape, and fruit punch flavors. Great thirst quencher, too.

      1. Damn it, Hardison!*

        I may be responsible for the shortage of fruit punch at my local Target. I drink so much of it!

    2. crispy crispy*

      I’ve taken to drinking an herbal tea called “sweet orange”. I brew half a cup for about 15 minutes, then add ice. There’s also kombucha, I like the synergy brand.

      1. Hlao-roo*

        Some brands of tea sell “samplers” of tea bags. I have the Celestial Seasonings fruit tea sampler right now, which has about 20 tea bags of 5 different flavors. If you can find a sampler package, you can try many different types of tea without being stuck with 20 bags of a flavor you don’t like.

      2. Anonymath*

        If that’s what I’m remembering, I love that stuff. It’s naturally sweet from the cinnamon bark. The stronger you brew it, the sweeter it gets. It’s very similar to Good Earth’s Sweet and Spicy tea and you can get it with caffeine or decaf.

        I’ve also enjoyed the True juice powder packets. I have them in lime and grapefruit. They come in single serving packets, like sugar packets, so they’re nice and portable for your purse, backpack, or briefcase. Just powdered dehydrated fruit juice, so no additives or extra sweetener. You can add as much or as little to a drink (I just put it in water) as you like, and sweeten (or not) to taste. I find I have problems drinking enough sometimes, and adding a little flavor can really help. I also enjoy making “spa water” which is just a regular pitcher of water with some sliced fruit/veg/herbs in. I like some sliced lemons and basil, or cucumber and mint. Just rinse, slice, and chuck in the pitcher. Less easy than the powder packets but I find it works just as well.

      1. Bluebell*

        My mother is a big Mio fan, but I didn’t love it when I tried it. Ideally trying to avoid too much artificial sweetener, since I’m supposed to aim for 64 (yikes) ounces. I’ve cheated a little and had 6-8 oz of seltzer some days.

        1. Alex*

          There is a brand called Stur that is naturally flavored with stevia. Comes in all kinds of flavors. You can find it at Wegmans, or buy online (not all grocery stores have it).

    5. Spiced up water*

      Cut up some ginger root for your water or seltzer. You can even put sliced ginger in a tea infusion ball in the water. I add one sweetener packet.

    6. SemiAnon*

      I like a dash or two of cocktail bitters to sparkling water for variety.

      On the cold tea front, there’s Japanese barley tea (toasted barley steeped in water, drunk hot or cold), which is calorie free and has a light, slightly nutty flavour. I’m also fond of a mix of jasmine and mint for iced tea.

    7. Neurodivergent in Germany*

      Do you like warm drinks?
      Juice of half a lemon plus a little honey in hot water is nice for winter.

      Aryan/Lassi, i.e. a mix of yogurt and water, either with just salt or with spices like cardamom.

      Maybe vegetable juices? They’re lower in sugar than fruit.

    8. WishIWasATimeTraveller*

      I don’t know what seltzer is, but I enjoy 1/2 glass sparkling mineral water with 1/2 glass still water and fresh lemon juice. I feel like I’m drinking fancy sugar free lemonade.

    9. MassChick*

      I like ginger tea, esp in cooler weather. I take chunks of ginger (maybe the size equivalent of 2 fingers), clean thoroughly and smash it up in a mortar/pestle. Add a teaspoon or 2 of cinnamon powder and then pour hot water over it and let it steep (at least half an hour, more is fine). I use this decoction and add it to hot water to sip as a tea. I don’t need it sweetened, but honey could be also be used.

      I move it to the fridge in a couple of hours and it keeps for a few days. Ginger is warming and also helps with inflammation. In warm weather I don’t enjoy it as much, but will have it in cold water/seltzer with lemon and/or crushed mint.

    10. MJ*

      If it can’t be plain water because you don’t like it… I’ve had good results getting myself to drink more water by adding natural flavours to it. I chop a watermelon or cucumber into half inch cubes and freeze them, then add half a dozen to a large glass. I can keep topping up the glass with the same cubes. I’ve also used lime wedges and recently had someone suggest orange segments.

      1. Siobahn*

        Lime and orange wedges are so good in plain or sparkling water! Sometimes I add the rinds, which add intensity.

      2. Bluebell*

        I actually really enjoy plain seltzer but the health provider said it has to be something else. I have to ask if fruit water would count. This thread has lots of good ideas.

    11. Well...*

      I’ve been mixing a little cranberry juice in my water for years. I usually go for a 9:1 ratio about, but sometimes if I want something sweet I’ll go up to 3:1. Keeps me hydrated and maybe helps reduce UTIs, depending on how seriously you take those studies.

    12. mreasy*

      Iced herbal tea can be great, too – I like rooibos, mint, and ginger. (Of course a classic green or black tea iced is wonderful, but I imagine you want some no caffeine options.) Fruit &/or cucumber slices with some fresh mint in a pitcher of water in the fridge is also a good go-to, fancy hotel lobby style.

    13. ecnaseener*

      I’ve gotten really into this sparkling flavored “maple water” – sweeter than, say, Spindrift but not sweet enough to bother me when I’m not in the mood for sugar. Supposedly the maple sugar has health benefits, but in such small amounts idk if I believe it. It just tastes great.

        1. Maple seltzer!*

          It’s so good! Couple tablespoons of darker maple syrup in 16oz of seltzer/sparking water makes a light & remarkably refreshing beverage.

    14. Btdt*

      Ginger tea and mint tea with a little bit of sugar or monkfruit extract. My sil drinks celestial seasonings Bengal spice (chai-esque) that has chicory root in it as a natural sweetener.

      Honestly I’ve had the best luck eating my liquids. In the summer I eat melon, esp watermelon almost every day. Cucumber salads too. Right now I’m on a soup kick, even a thick hearty soup has a tonne of water in it. Oatmeal/overnight oats with extra water/milk in it too- you just need to increase the salt to maintain the salt/water ratio. That’s what keeps it from tasting watery.

    16. Ranon*

      Arbor teas has some awesome herbal teas, broader range of flavors than a lot of places and not so dependent on hibiscus.

      NA beers are growing in popularity for a reason- Athletic and Untitled Art makes our favorites, it’s a way to get something full flavored that’s still low sugar.

      1. Bluebell*

        I haven’t heard of that brand. Will look for it, thanks! My favorite is Pukka, but I also have some Stash and celestial Seasonings in my tea drawer.

    17. GlowCloud*

      I like to treat myself to some of the interesting soft drinks at my local Asian supermarket whenever I’m in that part of town. Some of my favourites have been Aloe Vera King, sweetened jasmine tea, honey basil seed drink, and coconut water (with bits). They tend to be a little more savoury and also more texturally complex (they have stuff floating in them) than what you usually find amongst a western supermarket’s juice and soda aisle. Not a super cheap way to boost your daily fluid intake, though.

    18. CTT*

      I’m doing Dry January and my current “I deserve to drink something fun after work!” choice has been equal parts Starbucks passion iced tea (no sweetener added) and either mineral water or a lime sparkling water, with a splash of lime juice.

    19. Ali G*

      Cinnamon tea! Pout 8 cups of water in a slow cooker and add 2 cinnamon sticks. Cook on low 4-6 hours. Drink. No sugar needed.

    20. Person from the Resume*

      I recommend southern breeze pre-sweetened cold brew iced tea. Zero calorie.

      Individually packaged pre sweetened iced tea bag in many many flavors. Just drop in a glass of water, wait 5 minutes and you have ice tea. My favorite flavor is mint.

      When I work out intensely I drink both water and Gatorade zero and recommend Gatorade zero highly. I just found a package of 10 Gatorade zero powder mixes so you can mix that into water.

      Also like Kook-Aid tropical punch liquid drink mix, 0 calorie which is found right next to the Mio in the store. I like kool-aid tropical punch best and the Mio sweet tea flavor is fine, but I prefer southern breeze for ice tea now-a-days.

      I’m drinking 100 oz of water a day, and half of it is just plain water. I fill a container in the morning with the amount I need to drink and top off my cup with it throughout the day so I can see how close I’m getting my goal.

    21. Fellow Traveller*

      I’ve been adding flavoured balsamic vinegars to my sparking water, and it gives it a little sweet/sour kick.
      I’ve done fig balsamic, peach white balsamic, and blackberry ginger balsamic.

      1. Bluebell*

        Ooh- that sounds interesting. I’ve been using the Trader Joe’s vinegar drinks and adding about 1 oz the 8 oz water or seltzer as one of my options.

        1. SemiAnon*

          If you’ve got a good Asian grocery, see if they have drinking vinegars. They’re fruit base vinegars that are often drunk in small quantities as a digestive aid, but they’re also good mixed with water for a drink (the old name for this kind of drink is a shrub).

      2. I take tea*

        Interesting. I often put apple cider vinegar in my water, but I have never tried balsamic vinegar.

    22. GoryDetails*

      You could look up recipes for agua fresca – there have already been suggestions that would fall under that category, but you might find more variety. One book that I really liked: Aguas Frescas & Paletas, by Ericka Sanchez.

      Re beverages in general: I’ve enjoyed everything from simple slices-of-cucumber-in-water to full-blown mocktails; depends on the flavors you like and how much work you want to put in. In the not-that-sweet category, there’s switchel: usually features apple cider vinegar, some ginger and/or other seasoning for zing, a little honey or other sweetener adjusted to taste. You can mix up a batch and add some to a glass of water to the strength desired – very refreshing on a hot day.

    23. Sam I Am*

      I put a splash of lemonade into seltzer. It’s probably a mix of 6:1 seltzer: lemonade. I can really taste tge lemonade, so more than ” a whiff” but it’s sooooo much less sugar.

    25. The dr should have been more specific when they told her to drink more fluids*

      I love adding Aldi’s lemonade powder into my glass of water. Lemonade powder also helped get down that vile solution I had to drink for my colonoscopy last fall.

    26. laser99*

      Drink Hint! It helps a fruit-flavored water with no sugar or calories. Many delicious flavors like blackberry, cherry , etc

    27. Squawkberries*

      Coconut water. Full of electrolytes too. Its used in many parts of the world as a rehydration fluid (like natural pedialyte)

    28. M*

      I’ve always been told seltzer doesn’t count towards fluid intake—I’m seeing a lot of suggestions for flavored seltzer, so just wanted to ask why no plain water or seltzer. Ie, is it no plain seltzer or no seltzer that’s important?

      1. Bluebell*

        No plain seltzer or plain water. But apparently tea is ok. I have to ask whether 0 calorie flavored water or seltzer are ok, but so far I have put them in the category of “counts as water.” Apparently drinking fluids that aren’t water will have a different effect (I’m not going to go into medical details, and I do trust this health care practitioner).

    29. Francie Foxglove*

      Ice. Those tall, skinny plastic bottles of fruit-flavored water. Black cherry is ambrosial, but all the flavors are good.

    30. Kristina L*

      I don’t know if this will work for you, but I like putting some fruit juice and then mostly water together. The juice gives it some taste, but it’s lower calorie than just fruit juice.

    31. cat in cardboard box*

      I just discovered concentrated liquid monk fruit sweetener. I never got into a tea drinking habit, despite hoarding many many flavors of herbal tea bags, because I need to add tons of honey to make it enjoyable and I don’t process sugar well (and many substitutes don’t agree with me either). In the few weeks since I found the sweetener, I’ve actually started using up my herbal tea stash! Don’t forget you can make ice cubes and/or iced tea from herbal tea as well.

      A couple new year’s eves ago, a friend made a punch that involved cooked strawberry puree and sparkling water. There were more ingredients and sugar in that but the idea of fruit puree might be a starting point?

    32. I take tea*

      I like hibiscus tea. It’s good both warm and cold, and is supposed to be healthy as well. Rooibos tea is also good both warm and cold, a sweeter version of this is honeybush, which really tastes a bit like it’s sweetened with honey. If you like green tea at all, you could try Genmaicha, which is mixed with roasted rice and sometimes popped corn, it’s nice, a little sweeter than green tea in itself, which can be slightly bitter. (Never put boiling water on green tea, that definitely makes it bitter.)

      My father had problems with thin liquids at the end and really liked aloe vera drinks, which are a bit thicker. I think they are probably sweetened, though.

      Smoothies and soups is of course a relatively easy way of getting liquid in you. You can blend a lot of things in fun combinations.

    33. Filthy Vulgar Mercenary*

      Trader Joe’s sells a ginger powder that my husband loves adding to his water. You can add lemon too, if you feel like it.

      I also really like kombucha.

  11. Anon in IL*

    Can probate courts send you a copy of your relative’s will if you ask for it? It is from 40 years ago and in a different state. I am helping my mother claim some unclaimed property of her late mother’s (my grandmother) and they are asking for a copy of the Will which we no longer have.

    Interested to hear if anyone is familiar with the general process and how one would go about this.

    1. RagingADHD*

      They should do. A will usually becomes public record once it’s probated. Some can be accessed online. You may have to pay a fee.

      You need to know the county where the will was probated, and contact the court there (in some states it’s called orphan’s court or surrogate court).

      Just Google the county, state, and name of the court, and call them. They’ll tell you how to submit the request.

    2. Stitch*

      Did you grandmother’s will go through probate? It depends in state law if it had to.

      It doesn’t hurt to make an attempt but at 40 years pld you’re probably looking for a physical file and it might take a long time to respond to that request, if they can even find it. You can give it a try, but keep pursuing other avenues.

      1. Anon in IL*

        Thank you for the information. I will take the advice to call the court. I can see on the county probate court website that a case number was assigned and they show a copy of the will received in the docket. (If that is the correct term. I am not a lawyer.) But nowhere on the website, that I can find, do they say how to request a copy, or even if one can do so.

        1. Stitch*

          Yeah just call and see.

          I’ve personally been in the position of pulling old court files and even for my judge it took time and I ended up having to dig through a box that was full of dead silverfish and had documents missing. It absolutely doesn’t hurt to try, but also keep looking.

  12. Blythe*

    I am at a dog show with my poodle this weekend and— WOW— I DID NOT see that one coming in my life. It’s fun, he is happy, but… “person who owns a show poodle” was not something I ever would have predicted for myself.

    So now I am curious— what elements of your current life were/are Very Unexpected?

    1. Not A Manager*

      Can you please give us the back story of how you acquired the Accidental Show Dog? I feel that there is an interesting narrative there.

        1. Blythe*

          Ha! It is one of those situations where every step made perfect sense, but somehow all of those steps together led to the show-dog life.

          Basically, I was looking for a puppy to raise and train as a therapy dog to bring to work (middle school). I was connected with an amazing breeder and was interested in an upcoming litter. That litter turned out to be very small (only three puppies), and Abner and his sister Hailey were structurally lovely. Abner also had, as far as could be told at the time, the best temperament for therapy dog work (still true), so his breeder asked if she could show him/health test him/use him in her breeding program. I agreed, not AT ALL understanding what the show poodle life (specifically the show poodle COAT) would entail.

          I don’t regret it, but I hope he will be finished soon— I want to shave down his coat and give him a rainbow mohawk!

          It is also worth noting that I work with middle schoolers and teach social justice— we talk about appearances, beauty norms, etc ALL THE TIME. While conformation dog shows are more complex than just beauty pageants, they are wayyyyy closer to that than I EVER thought I would get!

    2. sewsandreads*

      As someone who grew up with dogs who were apparently bred to be show dogs but who didn’t get the memo, I love this!

      I always imagined myself living away from my small hometown. Life intervened and here I am — and enjoying the sleepy turn of pace far more than I expected I would. I spent uni and a few years after in various cities, but for right now, I unexpectedly love this little life I have.

    3. Rara Avis*

      Living in CA? I was a born-and-bred New Englander, but my first job took me to a girls’ Catholic boarding school on the other coast. People told me not to take the job “because you’ll never meet anyone.” “That’s okay,” I said. “I’ll work out there for a few years and then come back home.” Famous last words — at that job I met my husband, a native Californian, and here we are 30 years later, parenting a CA kid who has never seen snow. The ocean’s still on the wrong side and I still can’t get used to driving for 4 hours without crossing several state lines.

      1. Manders*

        LOL. CA native living in Kentucky. So not what I expected (but I’ve been here since 2006, so I guess I like it!).

      2. KR*

        I said the same thing when I lived in CA. Growing up in New England, CA just felt like this mythical place that didn’t actually exist. It was so far away and different than New England.

    4. Not A Manager*

      I did not expect to be separating from my spouse. I’ve always been Very Good at relationships. I know that this one isn’t ending because I’m Very Bad at them, but I never expected to be here.

      2. becky s.*

        I went through that 20+ years ago. Very difficult in the beginning, then over time, the best thing that could happen to me. Hang in there!!

      3. Daisy*

        Ah, I’m with you. I never expected to be divorced, or the one who initiated it. I gave it my best shot for well over 30 years and now live halfway across the country from my few remaining relatives. This is definitely healthier for myself and my ex – but it isn’t anywhere I planned on being when I was in my 20s.

    5. Pamela Adams*

      I spent several years as a dog show and obedience person.

      I returned to university some 16 years after flunking/dropping out. My planned career in computers became academic advising, and 23 years later, I’m still there.

    6. Professor Plum*

      I’ve been focusing on nutrition lately and hit a new milestone for body fat percentage this week into the acceptable range from overweight. Five years ago I never would have expected I’d have lost weight and joined a gym!

      3. Junior Dev*

        Congratulations!

        I was gonna comment something similar. I never thought of myself caring about weight loss because my mom was so obsessive about it growing up and I really had only experienced it as an unrealistic beauty standard. But I spent the whole second half of my 20s dealing with various health problems and eventually I realized it was more stressful to live at a high weight than to lose weight. I made a lot of changes to my routine and have learned to love cooking low-fat foods and eating more whole grains, and I’ve lost about 60 lbs in the last year and a half. I think I associated the idea of eating healthy with the sort of stress my family put me through as a kid and not with actually feeling better in my body.

        1. Professor Plum*

          Good for you! It really is astounding how much better I feel about myself by discovering that food is fuel, not comfort.

          I found the first part of the journey to be unlearning what I thought I knew about food and nutrition.

    7. Inkhorn*

      I always thought I’d end up a spinster surrounded by cats. As someone who was entirely happy being single, plus apparently invisible to men, it seemed the inevitable – and desirable – outcome.

      Then a certain coworker finally plucked up the courage to talk to me, and much to my surprise I’ve spent the past two years happily paired up with the aspiring future Mr Inkhorn.

      (The cats are still a possibility though, if I can work out how not to poison them with my indoor jungle.)

      1. Congratulations!*

        *raises a glass to the future Inkhorns* Great news! If you ever want a cat, just put out a can of tuna by the back door. You’ll have one by the end of the week. :)

    8. Cookies For Breakfast*

      “In the same very loving relationship for over a decade” is one I still hardly believe sometimes.

      I’m a commitment-phobe in just about all other areas of my life; not so mildly asexual; not interested in marriage and kids; “weird” in other little ways that made me a bit of a misfit in the environment I grew up in. Even before I had the words to explain some of these things, I could I was rarely the target of attraction or romantic interest, and was prepared for it to be the case all my life.

      I was thinking, just earlier this week, how right it feels to say that I’m in a relationship with the love of my life. No matter how difficult a lot of it continues to be, this is the one side that feels natural and straightforward every day, and I’m a lucky woman for that.

    9. The Prettiest Curse*

      I grew up with cats, so never expected to end up living with dogs – now onto my 4th dog that I’ve co-owned with my husband. (I miss having cats and want to get another one some day.)

      I definitely never expected to end up marrying an American and living in California for 17 years. I also didn’t expect to have around 3 years of my life totally consumed by the immigration and visa process (moving to the US, then back to the UK.)

      I never thought that I’d end up doing ballet again as an adult, but I needed to replace swimming during lockdown (not exercising makes me extremely cranky) and I just stuck with it. Last year, I did my first pirouette for more than 25 years – and much to my surprise, I didn’t fall over!

      1. UKDancer*

        Ballet is wonderful. I never did it as a child but took it up 3 years ago and I love it. It’s my little escape from humdrum reality and switching off.

        1. The Prettiest Curse*

          I really love that it’s a mental challenge as well as a physical one. There’s always so much to remember!

          1. Anne Kaffeekanne*

            Another person here who went back to ballet as an adult – I always say it’s the only 3 hours during the week where my brain just shuts up completely because I am so busy concentrating that I can’t worry about ANYTHING. It is glorious.

            (And congrats on the pirouette! 5 years on, mine still aren’t very reliable… so I celebrate the rare good one even harder)

            1. The Prettiest Curse*

              Looking back, I think that doing ballet was one of the things that got me through lockdown with my sanity intact, because I had a few hours a week where I just had to focus intensely on something other than the immediate situation. And my pirouettes are still very much a work in progress, but at least I haven’t fallen over yet!

              1. UKDancer*

                Me too. I was so grateful for my zoom ballet classes during lockdown when everything was closed and we were not really allowed out. It allowed me for a few hours not to think about what was happening in the wider world. I got to switch my mind off and escape because in ballet all you can think about is what you’re doing. It was wonderful.

                I am now really glad to be back in studio (although I still do one class per week and occasional workshops on zoom) where I can do proper centre work and attempt to do chaine turns without falling over.

    10. Well...*

      Living abroad, rehoming my cat (still painful), not failing out of at my highly competitive career at every milestone, marrying someone in my field (something I was adamantly against as it’s so common for women in my field, but alas I succumbed), turning down a faculty job without another lined up, not having kids by my current age…. basically my whole life is not at all what I expected.

    11. Vio*

      So much of my life is what I would never have expected. That I would be able to handle my many mental health issues to the point that I am now approaching my five year workiversary… yet alone that it’s a job that involves a lot of interacting with other people. That I would be spending so much time in the outdoors instead of at the computer… that I would even survive as long as I have.

    12. AY*

      I would never have guessed I’d take up golf as a minor hobby. I never saw the attraction, even after a few lessons, but it’s my husband’s greatest love outside of myself. (When we were dating, I asked him what he was thinking about, and he said that’s it always either golf or you!) I wouldn’t say it’s become my own hobby, but I play once or twice a month with him and other friends.

    13. Kiki*

      Poodle show-ing sounds like such a fun turn for life to take!

      My little joke about this topic is always that my 12 year old self would be more shocked how my hair turned out to be curly than about how I turned out to be gay!

    14. Anon for this!*

      I was a pretty conventional child; studious and well behaved. I thought I’d get a nice plain office-based job after university; maybe something in the civil service.
      I did join the civil service. But I’ve spent over twenty years as what may reasonably be termed as crime fighting super ninja and scourge of the evildoer.
      It still surprises me!

      1. Pippa K*

        Ooh, I would love to be a scourge of evildoers! And so few jobs can really be described that way. You get ‘em, Anon!

    15. fposte*

      This is a great question! I never thought I would be a person with a personal trainer, but I guess that’s what I have now, and it’s great. He used to be my PT and was the best one I had, and now I pay him directly to create workouts for me and adapt to the annoying things my body comes up with while still being active. Plus he’s geeky about the science and I am too so we get into the details a lot.

      1. Jay (no, the other one)*

        Yup. I never thought I’d be a person with a personal trainer and a home gym. The home gym is a side effect of the pandemic because we switched to Zoom workouts and acquired a variety of hand weights, a balance ball, two medicine balls, a bunch of resistance bands, and now a kettlebell (a recent gift from the trainer). We already had a treadmill. It took me a full two years to start calling that room our home gym rather than the “treadmill room.” I also never thought I’d play pickleball, but here I am smack in the middle of a trend.

        Other things: never thought I’d retire at 61. Never thought I’d post my daily outfits on Instagram. Never thought I’d be in a 12-step program. Pretty much the only thing thing that I would have predicted is the career I chose.

        1. fposte*

          Heh. I’m developing a basement space that I’m calling the “ungym.” Hanging japanese lanterns, LED cherry blossom lights, art, etc. I got a new yoga mat with a Klimt garden pattern. I’m not sweating so much I’m worried about bouncing off of nearby articles, so I wanted to make it a room that I really enjoyed entering.

    16. GardenGnomic*

      Well, if anyone had told me aged 10 that my career would be doing a physical job in the outdoors, I’d have found that very improbable. But I absolutely love working in amenity Horticulture.

    17. Unexpected Outcomes*

      Well I told my friends back in the 80s, always in an overly dramatic tone, that if I ever got married I would wear black to symbolize the death of [my name]. We celebrate 34 years this year. And I wore white, which is a funeral color in his culture so I kept my promise to wear the color of death.

      I’m from the northeast spouse is a professor.
      I fully expected to live in a big old New England wood frame house with lots of porch, filled with kids and dogs and college students.

      Fertility problems so one kid who turned out to be allergic to dogs and we live in south Florida. So one kid, no dogs, concrete block homes, no porch, and spouse is still a professor but it’s not a university town so no college kids hanging out with us.

    18. Damn it, Hardison!*

      Working in and loving corporate America. My first plan was to be a professor but turns out I hate constant research and am not an original thinker. Then I was going to be an archivist at a university, which I was for a hot minute before I switched to records management (also in a university setting. I made the switch to corporate records management 10 years ago and never looked back.

    19. Person from the Resume*

      I do CrossFit regularly and am excited and happy to go.

      I thought crossfit was crazy people doing crazy things. But we’re not asked to do the craziest of the things (that the athletes on tv do) and the crazy things they do ask us to do can be “scaled” down to something reasonable I can do.

      I will not say I enjoy doing it because it’s usually not fun or enjoyable doing it. But I like the challenge and feeling of accomplishment. And I finally got a heart rate monitor and it me I burned nearly 500 calories during an hour long work out and that was an awesome feeling too. (I ride bikes too but not in a way that burns that many calories in even 2.5 hours; I live in a very flat area.)

      Through this gym, I also may become a person who has a personal trainer some time soon.

    21. Wannessa*

      I love this question! Very sweet answers for a lot of people.

      I never expected that I would be close with my mom. We had a terrible relationship when I was growing up, and I had to set strong boundaries with her when I was in college. It took some time but she stepped up, respected those boundaries, and we both put a lot of work into our relationship. I did a total 180 from never wanting to live in the same city as her and never wanting to talk to her — now I see her every other week and talk to her a few times a week, and I’m not willing to move very far unless we can find a house that she could move into if she wants or needs to. I’m incredibly fortunate, but it still surprises me some days when I remember how things were 15 years ago!

      1. New Mom*

        Oh this too. I hate to say this but I hated my mother when I was a senior in high school. Things were not going well for me and my mom and I had no common ground at the time. I barely spoke to my mom the year after high school, I was able to move out and I think having that space really helped our relationship. She’s one of my best friends now and is such an amazing grandma, I’m so grateful for her and glad we got passed that rough patch. High school me would be gobsmacked by how much I hangout with and talk to my mom.

        1. Eff Walsingham*

          I went through that too! When I was in high school my Mum and I fought like two cats in a sack! I moved in with my aunt and uncle when I was 17, and Mum and I got along famously for most of the rest of her life.

          It makes sense that we fought, because I am temperamentally much more like my father, which must have been incredibly annoying as their marriage was coming apart. But I’m so glad I came to enjoy her many good qualities, even though we remained almost opposites in many ways.

    22. anxiousGrad*

      I never expected that I would go to Norway, much less live there for 10 months. I always thought that it sounded so cold and dark that it wouldn’t be worth visiting, even to see the Northern Lights. But then I wanted to do research abroad in between college and grad school and Norway turned out to be the right place for me, so here I am! It’s such a beautiful country and all of their baked goods contain cardamom (what could be better). And I did get to see the Northern Lights standing right outside my apartment. Luckily I also got treated for hypothyroidism *before* going, so even the cold isn’t as bad as I thought it would be.

      1. allathian*

        I hope you’ll enjoy the summer and all the light! And if you possibly can, I recommend visiting north of the Arctic circle to see the midnight sun. An item on my bucket list is to go to Nordkapp and see the sun shine across the Arctic Sea due North at 1 am DST. I’ve seen the midnight sun in Finnish Lapland. It really felt weird to see the sun shining from a clear blue sky at 2 am when I had to go to the bathroom, when there was much more light out than at 7 am when all of us woke up, because a morning fog had rolled in.

    23. Who woulda thunk*

      I would not have predicted I’d be living in a small city, let alone in a cohousing community, since I’d never heard of cohousing and indeed it didn’t exist in the U.S. when I was young (lots of info at cohousing.org if you’re curious).

      I grew up in an apartment in VeryBigCity and thought of myself as a VeryBigCity person through and through. I assumed I would always live there. But instead, for job reasons, my spouse and I moved to smaller and smaller places, and where we are now, pop. 50K or so and not near any really big city, we discovered and moved into cohousing.

      I love living here! I don’t know how I would have gotten through the isolated staying-home part of Covid in the typical housing situation, where you drive into your driveway and go inside and rarely interact with your neighbors. That was my life for many years and it felt alienating and lonely. Back then my human interactions were primarily at work; now I can chat with people, casually or more deeply, where I live.

      Our social life here has resumed to just about pre-Covid levels, and I feel very fortunate that I can hang out with my cohousing neighbors several times a week (only as much as I feel like, it’s not the least bit coercive or “expected”), and it’s all on a pedestrian scale. Nothing is more than a 5-minute walk away and most things are like a 1-minute walk away. This was an unexpected gift from the universe.

    24. PhyllisB*

      I just started reading a series (The Melanie Travis mysteries) by Laurien Berenson. The main character has just got a Standard Poodle puppy and is starting to attend dog shows. If you like light mysteries you may enjoy it.

    26. Flowers*

      Driving to work after dropping off my daughter at daycare.

      Never thought I’d move out of NYC
      Never thought I’d get my drivers license – 3 massive failures in HS, lots of wasted lessons, and finally got my license at 30.
      Never thought I’d have a child after years of waiting/trying/losses
      Never thought I’d have a job where I’d be earning enough to afford daycare and a car.

    27. New Mom*

      I love that you have an accidental show dog and this is a great ice breaker question!

      My life is pretty boring (in a good way!) and I just would’ve never imagined that my life would’ve turned out this way. I was a “bad kid”, had a drinking problem and was extremely depressed when I was 18 and didn’t see that turning around. I almost flunked out of high school but now I have a masters degree and a career I care about.
      My 18 year old self would not believe that I would be patiently asking a toddler multiple times a day “you want to poopoo in the potty today? Poopoo in the potty?”

    28. Jean (just Jean)*

      After spousal caregiving and bereavement I am moving forward into a different life. And, after finding the courage and/or determination to do a few things I never thought I could accomplish, I’m challenging myself to tackle other tasks. It’s still scary, but way better than living frozen by my fear or immobilized by external circumstances.

      My spouse and I ended up having and raising one Only Child. My younger self, who I think believed that offspring only came in multiples, would never have expected this outcome. My older/current self thinks that for me this was the best possible choice.

    29. Polyhymnia*

      Cool question!
      I never thought I’d live so many hours from my parents and brother. We are very close, but I left my home state more than 2o years ago and somehow never got back. Been in the ATL metro area for 10 years now (Ann Arbor MI before that), love it, our daughter is thriving and we have wonderful friends – but I am always homesick.

    30. PleaseNo*

      I never thought i’d be dating again after I hated it the first time and on my wedding day said i’m so glad i’ll never have to do this again.
      Then I found out on the honeymoon he was cheating and lying and gaslighting me. I definitely pictured a different life than what I have now (i finally am rid of his STI “gift”!).

    31. DWIGHT SCHRUTE*

      Ha! The same situation with a different breed. I never expected myself to get into dog sports and yet here I am! My dogs dabble in a variety of sports including conformation, nose work, lure coursing, bikejoring, and trick training. It’s a ton of fun and has really deepened our bond. The dogs LOVE having a job especially lure coursing which they’re bred to do.

    32. WoodswomanWrites*

      Nearly all of my life it was important to me to have a life partner. I’ve had a few significant relationships and was engaged once. Then a few years ago I was on a solo road trip and pondering options for my retirement years and had a light bulb moment. I realized I was content being single and excited about creating a future life by myself. When I got home, I took down my online dating profiles and I’ve never looked back.

      I’m single by choice and blessed in having a loving community across the US and in other countries. I love having the freedom and fun anticipating the possibilities as I consider multiple locations to land when I stop working in a few years.

  13. sewsandreads*

    Crafting/making thread — what’s on everyone’s lists?

    I’m bowing out of contributing to this one as it’s been my first week back at work after Christmas (officially, anyway — with others in the office!) and I’ve let crafting go in favour of running the insanity of this time of year away! So I’ll draw inspiration from all of you.

    1. Dark Macadamia*

      I’m trying to get back into embroidery after making only two projects last year. I just finished my first one, a cute R2D2 pattern I found on Etsy and changed to use pride flag colors for a friend’s identity as a gift. Next up is a kit I got for my birthday – “Year of Birds” double hoop by Jessica Long. I’ve never done a double hoop before and thought a kit might be a better way to try than figuring it out on my own, and I think this pattern will be more fun than just a floral! I have a whole list of other things to make too, including one I started in late 2021 and stalled on a year ago.

    2. RagingADHD*

      I started my favorite spiral baby blanket, just because I wanted to knit something. Maybe one of the niblings will have a baby by the time I finish.

        1. RagingADHD*

          It starts a bit fiddly because you have to use multiple needles, but once it gets big enough you can use a cable needle. You create 10 sections, with a yarn-over in each one. Then every other row, you yarn-over one stitch later than the time before. So you get these radiating lines of yarn-over that spiral outward.

          Look up the Pinwheel Baby Blanket by Genia Planck for a pattern.

          I like to use Lion Brand Mandala because you get a pretty colorway of concentric circles.

    3. Panda Bandit*

      I bought some beautiful paper and learned how to make origami cranes. I haven’t done origami since I was a kid and this made me happy. :) Now I’m looking at the big packs of origami paper and wondering if I can justify buying them lol.

      1. Angstrom*

        With the help of friends and family we made 1000 cranes(traditional for good luck) for our wedding and strung them up at the reception.

        1. Panda Bandit*

          That sounds lovely! I’ve been thinking about folding 1000 cranes – I could use some luck.

      2. fposte*

        I am still carrying on with the origami a day calendar and really having fun with it. I hadn’t realized how much it depends on learning the symbolic language of instructions. I’m sure a crane is in there along the way!

          1. fposte*

            The best have been the tulips (blossom and stems on different days), the cat (head and body on different days), and various birds–dove, chickadee, sleeping duck. I presume by the end of the year I’ll be able to make a freestanding building.

            I love the a-day format and am wondering if I can find something else like that for next year.

      3. Falling Diphthong*

        I bought beautiful marbled paper in Italy to make origami Christmas ornaments.

        Background: Our first Christmas together I made origami ornaments, and we continued to use them even while slowly adding traditional ones. Last Christmas moisture somehow got into one of the ornament boxes and everything paper suffered. So this is a way to have a nice memento of a trip while replacing something that had a lot of emotional value.

          1. Yet Another Unemployed Librarian*

            A fun Christmasy (or not, depending on your paper) origami thing is the little stars. Once I spent quite a bit of time making a garland of them and it’s so cute. If you google “origami puffy stars” or lucky stars you’ll find the instructions. I think you need 8.5 x 11 paper though, not origami squares.

            1. Panda Bandit*

              The puffy stars were super popular some time ago and I’ve always been curious about them. The little jars full of rainbow-colored stars are really cute.

        2. Panda Bandit*

          I’m sorry your ornaments got ruined.

          That Italian paper sounds beautiful. I’m eyeing some marbled paper that I found online. There are a lot of really nice origami papers available.

      4. Trixie Belden was my hero*

        I learned how to make origami cranes 5 years ago as a way to center myself into a calm mood when I was stressed out at my job. I was trying to arrange a transfer to another office because there was a reorg going on, my skills weren’t a match for the new mission and I wasn’t interested in the new focus. It took months and then after all the approvals came in, my manager held me for 6 additional weeks to help in the ‘transition’ (technically allowed but a crap move)
        I kept a stack of origami paper in my desk and made a crane whenever I felt the need. I have 253 cranes and a stack of papers. I was just thinking that I should start again since going through some stress now…. Thanks for the nudge!

          1. Trixie Belden was my hero*

            Thank you, they did, the new office was good. It was 5 years ago and when I look back, it doesn’t seem as bad as when I was living it. Wish I knew about AAM then. I’m retired now and am taking care of my elderly parents, one is in the early stages of dementia. A whole different kind of stress. We’ll see if it works here.

            Hope the folding continues to work for you.

      5. Thunderbird*

        I made origami lotuses as reception favors for my wedding years ago. A good 20% of my guests were engineers and kept trying to deconstruct/ reverse engineer them

    4. Tortally HareBrained*

      Currently have two sweaters on crochet hooks. One a “scrappy” raglan that I’m loving and deliberately bought the squishiest yarn for last year. And then my first mosaic crochet project which has been delightful and needs just the right amount of concentration.

      Have nervously purchased yarn and needles for my first knit sweater and hope to start that soon as well.

    5. Professor Plum*

      Have not started it yet, but am planning a quilt for an upcoming family baby. Actually need to shift into making mode soon!

    6. Bobina*

      Finishing off sock #2 (crochet) as the pair I made last year (?) are definitely on their way out (all the holes). Still dont believe in following patterns or guides apparently, I very much enjoy just figuring it out as I go along lol

    7. HannahS*

      I am making a muslin of a trouser pattern out of some old cotton curtains. I’m hoping that next month I can make a wide-legged pair in this navy linen-blend that I’ve been hanging onto forever, and use some fun scraps for the facings/pockets.

    9. Elle Woods*

      I’m getting started on my 2023 One Little Word album. I chose the word committed this year and am doing Ali Edwards’ class. It’s already helped me stretch my brain about why I chose the word and how I hope to see it play out in my life this year.

      I’m also working on creating scrapbook pages of random pictures I’ve found here and there.

    10. Emotional support capybara (he/him)*

      I had a lot of greige wall and not enough cool stuff to hang there so I thought doing some acrylic pour paintings would be an easy remedy. I had no idea how deep a hole I was about to fall down.

    11. Madame Arcati*

      I’ve got two full size quilts on the go so obviously I’ve started cutting out a pinafore dress!

    12. OtterB*

      Getting started on crochet. I found instructions for a beginner afghan that I liked in a simple double crochet, but I also saw a pattern for dishcloths/washcloths that were also double crochet so I thought I would practice on those first. I got my requested yarn and crochet hook for Christmas, but discovered that the multicolored yarn I thought would make nice dishcloths was not the best choice for a beginner since it was hard to see the stitches. So I ordered solid color yarn which just came this week.

    13. HamlindigoBlue*

      I’m finishing up a knit sweater for a toddler (Crozon is the pattern) and still plugging away on a cardigan (test knit). The Crozon is nice because it’s just stripped stockinette in the round, which I really like.

    14. Searching*

      I finished a pair of convertible glove/mittens (search for “Podster Gloves” on Ravelry if you want to see the pattern). I’ve knit mittens before, but never fingered gloves so this was new territory. I’m happy with the result but I doubt I’ll ever knit glove fingers again – so fiddly! Good learning experience though. And I’m keeping this pair for me!

    15. Seeking Second Childhood*

      My teenager has asked me for an afghan and hoo boy it’s a new experience working something bigger than a baby blanket. No fun when I had to say oops and unravel several rows.

    16. Namenlos*

      Giving brioche knitting (flat) a try. Concept is fairly easy, but I haven’t figured out how to correct mistakes, dropped stitches. So far I just ignore the mistakes and continue.

    17. Stunt Apple Breeder*

      I’m working on relearning tablet weaving. I made a bookmark years ago and never tried again. The cards are probably packed away somewhere but I made more to make a simple band.

  14. Laura H.*

    Little Joys Thread

    What brought you joy this week?

    I took myself on a lunch date and enjoyed it. Was pleasant.

    Please share your joys big or small.

    1. Paralegal Part Deux*

      I got my new tv installed in my bedroom. It’s huge for the size of the bedroom but love it. I’m treating it like a mini-theater. I just need a sound bar, and I’ll be good to go! :) Now, I just need recommendations for sound bars.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Deli ham sandwich! I get stressed when I have to take public transit to go to the doctor, but I treat myself to a ham sandwich when I get home as a reward.

        1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

          Whoops, nesting fail there. But congratulations on your new TV! : )

    2. Tired*

      I had new windows installed and the sills are about half an inch wider than before – apparently that’s exactly what was needed so that my cat can now lie on them and sleep in the sun, rather than just walking along. He’s very happy!

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I went on a behind the scenes tour that involved a rope bridge over a crocodile pit and did not have any screaming wiggins in the process – I even stopped halfway to take a picture of the crocs below! Very pleased with myself.

    4. Foreign Octopus*

      My dog being so good and brave in exploring this new place we’ve moved to. I was worried about how he would settle in and has exceeded my expectations. I’m so proud of him.

      Also, one of my students applied to Oxford this week and that makes me happy as well.

    5. Bobina*

      Took myself out for dinner and rugby yesterday evening. I was almost tempted not to go (its so cold) but it was a lovely time!

    6. Trixie Belden was my hero*

      My grocery store finally restocked my favorite salmon burgers after being out of them for over a month. I replenished my freezer supply and had one for dinner last night.

    7. fposte*

      Pelvic floor physical therapy is awesome. I am so glad I went back to it. I may interrupt strangers on the street to advocate for it.

    8. Hotdog not dog*

      We got to see our son perform (guitar) in a charity event and then went out to dinner in a nice restaurant. It’s a nice progression from the days of off-key school music recitals followed by pizza! We’re very proud of him, both for sticking with it, sharing his talents to benefit society, and for the wonderful young person he’s turned into.

    9. Damn it, Hardison!*

      This morning’s croissant with a tiny jar of jam from my Bonne Maman advent calendar and the latte I made on my espresso machine which I have finally got the hang of using.

      1. GoryDetails*

        Those tiny jars are a “small joy” all their own; I just love them, even though there is a limit to how many I can find a use for once the jam is gone!

    10. L. Ron Jeremy*

      Just recieved notice yesterday that one of my 401Ks went up over $8,000 this past year and I’m retired. Nice to see an increase after it had dropped so much.

    11. GoryDetails*

      The first decent snowfall of the season! Yeah, the shoveling is annoying, but it’s been such a weird rainy winter so far – very unusual for New Hampshire – that actual multiple-inches-of-snow made me happy.

    13. Voluptuousfire*

      Had two bad electric outlets in my kitchen replaced yesterday so I have piece of mind AND counter space back. Some of the outlets were by a counter that I couldn’t use. Now I can which makes me happy since my kitchen is small.

    14. Falling Diphthong*

      Had my first appointment with someone who does shiatsu and myofascial release. I went in with no idea what to expect (just “wellness center”), and was so impressed by how she really listened to my complicated backstory, and then was approaching everything in an integrated whole body way. (I am not the first person she’s seen with damage from cancer treatment.)

      I considered canceling this appointment because I didn’t know what she would do or if it would help, and am so glad that I decided to go ahead and try and see what happened. (Very “she presses a point on my foot and my upper back suddenly relaxes”.)

    15. Joys big and little*

      Reading to first graders the fantastic picture book “Let the Children March” and answering some very wise questions about Dr. King. The questions were wise, I mean. Hopefully the answers provided some clarity.

    16. Girasol*

      For the first day in weeks it was calm and sunny out and not awfully cold so I went down to the river to play with my hand sling, the David and Goliath sort. I was aiming small stones for a certain point and watching for the splash. My aim is improving though it doesn’t look like I’ll ever reach shepherd boy level. Still, it’s a fun way to enjoy some rare sunshine.

    18. E. Chauvelin*

      Earplugs. A couple of weeks back my boss unexpectedly sent an email to everybody about some earplugs that an employee in another department had said work well for them on days when it’s loud in the building. (It’s a big downtown library with an atrium that was apparently designed on the assumption that everybody would still whisper, even though the children’s and teen areas open directly onto it with no walls in between, and the auditorium with its sound system isn’t really soundproofed. When it’s busy it sounds like a mall.) I’d heard of the brand but it never occurred to me that I’d be allowed to wear them when working with the public. They came on Tuesday and I love them. I can still carry on conversations and hear the surrounding noise well enough to know what’s going on and if something disruptive is happening that I need to address, but it blunts the noise in a way that it’s easier not to care about the things I can’t change.

    19. PhyllisB*

      Earlier this week I went to our local Arby’s for one of their apple turnovers and an iced tea. Went through the drive through. When I started to hand the lady my debit card, she just said, “you’re all right!!” I gave her a surprised look, and she just smiled and said, “Have a nice day!!”

    21. The OG Sleepless*

      Driving through Florida, I saw a billboard for the Kanapeha Botanical Garden near Gainesville. It was lovely, fascinating, and a perfect break on a long and tedious road trip.

    22. carcinization*

      It was time for me to order new frames (i.e., prescription glasses) insurance-wise, and I picked out some nice tortoiseshell ones. My vision’s gotten a bit worse over the past couple of years due to having COVID and general middle-aged-ness, so I decided to get transitions this time so I can comfortably read outside. The insurance rep I called said they didn’t cover transitions so I was prepared to spring for that out of pocket, but the Target Optical employee showed me that actually my insurance paid for 2/3 of that feature! Hopefully the new glasses will arrive in the next couple of weeks (or less!).

    23. I take tea*

      I visited a friend and got to see her kids for the first time in a year or so. We live in the same area, but it’s just been so busy, that we’ve been chatting and taking the occational lunch together, but I haven’t seen the kids. They have grown a lot, as kids do, and it was fun to see them too. Before the pandemic I used to be over more often, and even babysat every now and then, but I fell out of the habit. I will make an effort to see them more often.

    24. Bagpuss*

      I had a very stressful working week, but then on Saturday I got to meet up with a couple of friends, and we went to the theatre and then got a fabulous meal (& some amazing cocktails) at my favourite restaurant.
      And I have tomorrow off work!

  15. Cendol*

    Does anyone have interior design blog recommendations? I have been following Apartment Therapy for years but am looking to branch out a bit.

    Trying to figure out how to furnish and decorate a 1950s home with coved ceilings and white textured stucco walls. We have a nice brown leather couch and some unusual black end tables, and I’m happy with our library set-up, but I’m at a loss as to how to coordinate our living room and our (teeny tiny) dining alcove. I’d love to do “southwestern mid-century” if such a thing exists.

    1. Aphrodite*

      I like retired decorator Laurel Bern’s blog. It’s weird looking–she adores a variety of fonts and colors in one column–but it is full of solid advice and good ideas regardless of your budget. Her archives are well worth perusing as well. Search for a topic that interests you and it will no doubt bring up a lot of writing about it.

      I also read Houzz’s Design Dilemma section but take things on there with a grain or two of salt. (Hint: Don’t think about buying through Houzz; they tend to have very high prices without the matching quality.)

      Others I visit include this odd one that is pictures, good for inspiration called DigsDigs and others that I am beginning to think are just so-so. You can always try Justina Blakeley as well. She’s well known and I like to read her on occasion as she has (or had) a kitchen with this absolutely breathtaking emerald green Moroccan tile I fell madly in love with (and finally found online).

      1. Cendol*

        Thank you so much! I saw your reply last night and stayed up waaaay too late browsing DigsDigs. So many good ideas.

    2. English Rose*

      Not a blog as such, but I just plugged “south-western mid-century” into the Pinterest search and there is indeed such a thing and it came up with loads of ideas.

    3. The Cosmic Avenger*

      I hope this isn’t derailing, but I’ve been trying to create floor plans for our house, do any of you use anything that lets you make accurate floor plans? I figure if you’re working on interior design you might use something like that to keep track of available space.

      3. Brunch Enthusiast*

        Sketchup (formerly Google Sketchup but then bought by another company). The free version runs in a browser window and is reasonably user-friendly.

    4. Tex*

      Remodelista. Elle Decor. Start liking interiors to your taste on Instagram and similar accounts will be suggested by the algorithm. Also follow real estate agents accounts in the markets for similar houses (e.g., in your case california).

    6. fposte*

      It’s not specifically a design blog, but Retro Renovation has great info about mid-mod sourcing and contemporary parallels and lots of design gets discussed along the way. Some people are clearly living more of a mid-mod life than I feel the need to, but it’s still great to know that some stuff I really enjoy can still be found.

      1. Cendol*

        Thanks for the rec! Sourcing would have probably been my next question. I also laughed at “Some people are clearly living more of a mid-mod life than I feel the need to”—indeed!

    8. Reba*

      It’s no longer active, but I highly recommend Design Sponge! Lots of interiors that will resonate with your eras/desires, and you can sort the posts by style.

    9. Ashley*

      You might like Vintage Revivals. She doesn’t really post anymore but I think her past stuff might fit what you are looking for.

    10. trilusion*

      Try Design*Sponge (first hit for “design sponge” on Google). The blog is no longer active, but the archives are still online and the house tours were all really, really good. You can filter them by style (mid-century, industrial, country, etc.).

  16. Roland*

    Does anyone have experience applying for Polish citizenship based on a parent/grandparent’s citizenship? Especially kids/grandkids of holocaust survivors. Less about the logistics since I’m happy to pay one of the agencies who fill out all the forms for you, moreso wondering what kind of feelings it brought up during the process? What made you do it and how do you feel about it in retrospect?

    It’s something I want to do for the flexibility of an EU passport more than feeling anything about Poland in particular. There’s definitely mixed opinions about it in my family.

    2. Still*

      Just a word of caution: Polish citizenship does come with a few weird obligations as well as rights.

      For example, if you’re a Polish citizen and receive inheritance from anyone, anywhere in the world, you are legally obligated to declare it and pay an inheritance tax in Poland (unless it’s from immediate family, in which case you still need to declare but get a tax break).

      I think it’s perfectly fine to get the citizenship if you can, and enjoy the freedom of movement that comes with it (being able to travel, live, work and study anywhere within the EU is incredible, when you think about the strict visa process in the rest of the world!), but it’s worth to be aware of what you’re signing up for.

      I hope that one of those agencies would be able to not only fill out the forms for you but also walk you through the legal implications.

    3. dual citizen*

      Two thoughts come immediately to mind. One, a pathway to citizenship of the country where one’s parents or grandparents were forcibly expelled seems like the least that the country can offer to the wronged descendants of its former citizens. In other words, I might frame it for myself as a type of compensation for past wrongs.

      Two, I’d think of it as a door-opening gift to my kid(s). While I don’t have the troubled background that you do with my own dual citizenship, I was very happy to be able to pass along dual citizenship to my kid. My kid could go to college in the second country without having to pay international student-level tuition, could get a job right away without having to get a work permit, etc., etc. If my kid decided never to take advantage of the opportunities, that would have been fine — but it was so nice to open up those doors and give him more choices.

      1. HannahS*

        You have to make sure its transferable, though; not all types of citizenship are. I am a dual citizen because one parent was born abroad, but since I inherited my citizenship (so-to-speak) I can’t pass it on to my kids.

      2. Falling Diphthong*

        My spouse is not a dual citizen because when his parents researched it they discovered that they would be signing him up for compulsory military service in the second country.

      3. another dual citizen*

        Dual Citizen captured many of the reasons I took this pathway to dual citizenship, through a similar program in Germany. The other bittersweet reason is that I was becoming increasingly anxious about the political situation in the US. So I applied for this “escape hatch”… to the very country my family escaped from. I felt extremely ambivalent about it, and the whole process was kind of surreal. After it was over and done with, I felt relieved… and still ambivalent! But I’m okay with that ambiguity.

    4. fposte*

      In addition to what Still says, always check on military service obligations. That has been an unpleasant surprise for the occasional overseas adoptee returning to visit the country of his birth.

      I almost did this for Irish citizenship but the intervening docs would be too hard to source. Now you’re making me think that an agency might be able to do it for a fee.

      1. KatEnigma*

        My inlaws (aunts, uncles, cousins, MIL and SIL) went through this for Italy, and almost all of them ended up with an agency after trying and failing on their own. Then Covid hit and that was a huge stall.

        Interestingly enough, when they all got on this kick, my husband was about to start the process for a security clearance designation (and ended up needing/getting TS- active, but no longer works at that company or needs/uses the clearance, so I can disclose it) and decided he did not need that complication while actively seeking clearance.

    5. Grits McGee*

      I work for an agency that is involved with a lot of these genealogy-based dual citizenship applications, and I guess I just have two thoughts-

      1. We deal with a lot of frustration from from folks who have paid firms to do the research+paperwork for them, and the firm is failing to get results. I get the impression that in this field, you get what you pay for and may need to be a more active participant than just giving someone money and letting them take it from there.

      2. I don’t know if it was here on AAM or at work, but I recently read something about someone who was looking for documentation of their Polish ancestry for dual citizenship as well. They were running into dead ends because almost all of the documentation of their family (both government and religious) was wiped out due to the massive destruction Poland sustained during WWII. This person was looking at Christian church records, but I imagine it’s even worse looking for surviving records of Jewish people and communities. What would be the emotional fallout of discovering that your ancestors’ and their community had been completely obliterated from the official record in Poland?

      I hope this helps!

      1. Courageous cat*

        Can I ask for your thoughts, since I truly have no one else who might know at all?

        I’ve been thinking about doing something similar recently. My grandmother was born on a ship coming from Ireland. Her citizenship is American as she was adopted upon landing, but my understanding is that anyone born to an Irish parent (and possibly in Irish seas?) automatically becomes an Irish citizen.

        Do you think there’s any chance in hell I could pursue dual citizenship through that? It would be tough to prove a lot of this, but my brother and I think there is a birth certificate somewhere that says she was born to Irish parents. The only thing really stopping me up here is that the Irish immigration site says the grandparent has to be born on the *island* of Ireland. I am not sure if simply being an Irish citizen is enough in that case. And obviously being born on the sea is kind of a trickier exception.

        No problem if you’re not familiar with any of this but figured it was worth an ask just in case!

        1. Ismis*

          I don’t know the answer, but this is from the Constitution of Ireland:

          Article 2. It is the entitlement and birthright of every person born in the island of Ireland, which includes its islands and seas, to be part of the Irish Nation. That is also the entitlement of all persons otherwise qualified in accordance with law to be citizens of Ireland.

          If you can find an Irish birth certificate for your grandmother, you should be able to apply.

          If you can’t, you could try finding the ship that she arrived in and checking if her birth was recorded in the logs.

          My completely uninformed opinion is that if you can prove she was born in Irish seas, you’re in with a shot. Best of luck!

        2. Grits McGee*

          I’m not super familiar with Irish ancestry-based dual citizenship, but I think it’s going to depend on 1) what the Irish law says and 2) what the surviving documentation says. If all that remains is an American birth certificate that doesn’t give details of where in the ocean your grandmother was born, you might be out of luck. If there’s a way to contact the Irish government agency that handles dual citizenship applications, I would definitely reach out to them first to see what they say.
          As Ismis says, you may end up needing to research the records of the ship on which your grandmother was born. The US National Archives has ship passenger lists of people who came into major immigration hubs, but the ship’s logs could be gone if this was a privately owned+operated vessel, especially if the business that owned it no longer exists.

    6. Roseberries maybe*

      A youtuber called Hannah Witton recently made a video about her experience applying for German citizenship by ancestry. It goes a bit into the emotions it brought up for her as a British Jew as she applied for practical reasons but it ended up feeling more profound than she expected

      1. another dual citizen*

        The video was lovely, thank you for sharing! For others interested in watching, the channel is called “More Hannah” and the title is “Becoming a German Citizen as a British Jew”.

  17. Not all dogs - rabies shot update*

    I got my first shot on Monday and got a second vaccine shot and the immunoglobulian shots once I was home. I will complete the vaccine series as scheduled.

    Thank you to everyone for your concern, personal experiences, and advice.

    The idea from Barbara Eyiuche to save the package and take it to the appointment was brilliant.

    Red Reader was correct that I needed to go to the ER for the immunoglobulian shots and that it would be painfully expensive.

    Thus far the actual rabies vaccine shots have not been much different from most vaccines; the intramuscular immunoglobulian injections with the larger needles were a smidgen less pleasant, but I probably only noticed the difference due to being able to make an immediate comparison. The immunoglobulian wound site injections were significantly less pleasant.

    For those who were wondering, I got my tetanus jab renewed Fall.

    1. Turtle Dove*

      Thanks for the update. I didn’t chime in when you first posted, but I was interested because I had a rabies scare in the fall. The animal tested negative during the window for my shots, so I was very relieved to skip treatment. But it was nerve-wracking for a few days, especially because I’ve heard all my life that rabies shots are extremely painful. I’m glad that’s no longer accurate (but used to be, explained a friend whose grandfather got the shots in his abdomen decades ago).

    2. fposte*

      Ah, I didn’t have a visible wound site so didn’t have that component. I’m glad it wasn’t torture and also that you managed to negotiate the multiple country aspect–saving the package was indeed a brilliant idea.

    3. Stitch*

      Glad to hear you got the shots. I realize it’s expensive and sucks, but I think you absolutely made the right choice. Rabies is so scary.

    4. Manders*

      I’m so glad you did get it. I had a friend in college and he was bitten by a dog and neglected to mention it OR clean it out when it happened (and I was with him and had no idea!!!!). He ended up a few days later in the hospital with a bad staph infection (I mean, duh!). Since then I’m really cautious about that kind of thing. And with rabies you can never be too cautious, because it is 100% fatal if untreated.

    5. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      So glad you’re taking care of yourself in a difficult situation!

  18. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

    I’m probably going to have my house’s plumbing re-piped this year. (House is a single level home from about 1950, and it’s probably about time to replace the existing pipes with something less full of rust, but there isn’t anything so urgently wrong that I need to call a plumber Right This Minute.)

    I’m probably going to spring for some upgrades while everything is already a mess and I have no water anyway. Two questions:

    a) I’d like to get a medium-fancy toilet with a built-in bidet. However, this house doesn’t have a “master” bedroom with an en-suite bathroom, just three fairly small bedrooms that all share the main house bathroom that’s also the bathroom that would be used by guests hanging out in the living room or dining room. How weird would it be for company to discover the Fancy Toilet? Is this something I should just pass on because I don’t have a just-me bathroom that casual company is unlikely to see?

    b) Are there any other plumbing upgrades that you’ve particularly enjoyed about your own home that I should consider when figuring out the details this project? I am already planning on having another outdoor hose bibb added on the other side of a wall that has a sink on the inside (and thus already has water pipes in it), and adding a real, non-utility-sink-based drain for the washing machine.

    1. The Prettiest Curse*

      If you’re in a hard water area and don’t have a water conditioner (which is different to a water softener), I would recommend getting one, as any appliance that uses water will build up a lot less limescale.

      1. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

        I think our water is fairly soft here, but it is a different water provider (and source) than the neighborhood I grew up in (which definitely had soft water) so I suppose I should double-check that assumption. I have not even been thinking about hard water and possible build-up issues because my childhood home did not have that problem and this is the first place I’ve lived in a long time that wasn’t on the same water system as my childhood home. I wonder what hard water build-up looks like and if I would have noticed it by now since I’ve lived here 5 years…I suppose I should do some research on this.

    2. Squidhead*

      Your space might not allow for it but we really like having 2 separate sinks in the kitchen. We don’t have a dishwasher and don’t want one, but the 2nd sink is handy when one of us is washing up.

      We also have a “dirty sink” in the basement (deep plastic sink on legs) as well as a “clean” enamel sink where the laundry drains. We can soak laundry or the burners from the BBQ grill in the enamel sink and it’s not the same place where we wash out paintbrushes. I guess we like sinks!

      1. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

        I’m lucky enough that my utility/laundry area is the room next to the kitchen, so the utility sink can be used for excess kitchen sink needs (or anything that is large enough to be annoying to wash in the kitchen sink). I’m a daily dishwasher user, though, and it’s rare that I wash dishes or even pans by hand. It’s the one fancy, high-end appliance I splurged on when I bought the place and replaced the older, lower-end model that was more of a “dish wetter” with one that I knew would actually get dishes clean. (I also currently have an ancient top-load washer that means I can soak laundry in the washer itself, but eventually that’s getting upgraded as well once it gives up the ghost.)

    3. Still*

      Get the fancy toilet! What kind of people do you invite into your home that would judge you for having a bidet? Would you judge someone for that? It’s just an extra nice thing that the guests get to use as well if they wish.

      Maybe it’s because I’ve lived in Turkey, where they have a bidet in every single toilet, including the public ones, but I don’t see the issue at all. Honestly, no idea why it’s not standard in Europe and the US as well.

      1. Expiring Cat Memes*

        Seconding, get the bidet! We refitted all our toilets with bidet seats and they’re the best. Guests who find it weird just won’t use it. But you’ll love it, and you’re the one who’ll mostly be using it, so who cares what guests think. It’s your home!

        And honestly, anyone who wants to judge you poorly for having a bidet is someone who literally thinks way too much about shit that’s none of their business when they should be dealing with the mountains of their own paperwork.

      2. just another queer reader*

        Thirding! Get your Fancy Toilet.

        If Fancy Toilet is complicated to operate, maybe write some instructions and leave them out when guests visit.

      3. Not So Little My*

        When I’m at someone’s house and they have a bidet, I think they made an excellent decision and I get envious that we haven’t been able to get one yet.

      4. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

        I’m less worried about people judging me (they’ll have plenty of other opportunities to judge me based on my choice of decor before ever reaching the bathroom, after all, and probably already formed the opinion that Hobbits is a Weird One based on my entire personality and general appearance before they ever darkened my doorstep) and more concerned with non-fancy-toilet-aware people hitting buttons they shouldn’t and making a mess, or feeling too intimidated to use the toilet.

        Pre-pandemic, my goal was to start hosting house concerts once I was more settled in, and I regularly had 10-20 people I didn’t know well over for meetings related to an organization I volunteer with before everything shut down. I’m not sure I’ll ever be comfortable with that much indoor peopling in my airspace again, I’m particularly not at a place where “random strangers come sing folk music in your house” is nearly as appealing as it was in 2019, but I am concerned about having a bathroom non-standard enough that it’d mean I needed to give individual directions on “how to use the toilet” to guests going forward. (I think part of this anxiety comes from when my cousin visited with her young kids and they had never seen bar soap before, so she had to give them special instructions in how to wash their hands at Weird Cousin Hobbits’s House rather than in a “regular” bathroom, maybe?)

        1. Expiring Cat Memes*

          …and more concerned with non-fancy-toilet-aware people hitting buttons they shouldn’t and making a mess, or feeling too intimidated to use the toilet

          Modern bidets have sensors, ours won’t turn on unless it senses weight on the seat so it’s impossible to make a mess. And there’s really not that many buttons to begin with, so the worst anyone could do is accidentally change your seat or water temperature. Plus you still have toilet paper, so guests who are intimidated by it can just use it as a regular toilet.

    4. Falling Diphthong*

      I feel like bidets really took off with the toilet paper shortage at the start of the pandemic, and are now “oh, a bidet.” (My relatives who remodeled during the pandemic added one.)

      1. Loreli*

        So after using a bidet, do you just “drip dry”? Inquiring minds want to know.
        It seems like pulling up dry underwear over a wet bottom would result in soggy seat syndrome

        1. Expiring Cat Memes*

          Lol, no – it doesn’t replace toilet paper, it just means you need a lot less of it. Plus most bidet toilets have a dry function.

    5. Anonymath*

      I have enjoyed having an adjustable shower in our master bath. It wasn’t too difficult to install and you can find reasonably priced ones at the major home stores. On ours the shower head is on a wand and can be removed easily from the mounting bracket if you’re washing a pet or smaller child. The mounting bracket slides up and down the main vertical pipe, which is nice for my family as my partner is 6’+ and I’m a little over 5’.

      1. Damn it, Hardison!*

        This is my favorite addition. I bought an inexpensive one to replace just my old shower head and love it so much. Mostly I use it to rinse my shower and tub after I clean it, but it was worth it just for that. I am starting a full renovation of mine next month (hopefully) and am splurging on a nice full “system” since I have to replace all the shower hardware (and likely some of the pipes).

      2. KatEnigma*

        We’ve had the wand for a couple decades, but an AirBNB we stayed at had a MAGNETIC one, and that’s what we searched for when we moved in to our new house. Magnets don’t break.

        We got an extra long hose to go to it several moves ago, to help in bathing our large dog who tried going to the end of the bathtub/shower combo to avoid being rinsed.

        1. Pippa K*

          Seconding the magnetic shower head attachment. It’s convenient for all kinds of reasons and also improves accessibility (as I’ve learned in coping with an injury).

    6. Bibliovore*

      I am in the middle of a fairly small bathroom renovation with the aim of aging in the home.
      The house was built in 1950.
      The bathroom is in the lower level and had a prefab- plastic shower so small that you hit the walls if you turned around. The bathroom backs up to the laundry room that has a washer and dryer and utility sink.
      The contractors ripped out everything in the bathroom including the wall and widened it a foot and 1/2.
      I am putting in a no threshold shower (for future needs) a Japanese soaking tub, and the fanciest Toto toilet on the market.
      The tub is really the thing for me. I am going to put it in the link. Its the Omnitub made in England. It turned out the tub plus shipping was actually cost less than anything available in the states meeting my criteria.
      I am putting in a new hot water heater, and decided on tankless.

      2. Filosofickle*

        Oh, I have one of those tiny shower stalls in my primary bedroom. It’s unusable for me, a bigger person. Not sure how I’m going to make that bathroom bigger (I can steal the closet from bedroom 2, or the linen closet in the hall I think) but if I don’t it’s just useless. Why did I fight so hard to get a second (& en suite) bathroom of I’m just going to use the hall bath?!

        I think the bidet is fine, you should have what you want, but as a guest I’d be intimidated (I know this from personal experience) so when you make your decision consider how intuitive it is.

        1. bibliovore*

          yes, I stole space from the family room. got rid of the huge sectional couch and coffee table. Leaving this space empty except for a small recliner and a big bean bag chair to see how things feel.

    7. Today’s the day*

      The best purchase we made was an accessible height toilet. If you’re young it might seem silly but even for injuries, muscle strains, back problems it is easier in and off.

    8. Ranon*

      In non sexy upgrades our house has shutoff valves at literally every branch of our plumbing and it’s super handy, totally something I would put in if I were doing a full plumbing redo.

      I would upgrade all my fixtures to low flow and then make sure the pipes, particularly the hot water, were sized appropriately smaller- this decreases the amount of time it takes to get hot water to the fixture because there’s less cold water volume between the fixture and the water heater

      Water for an ice maker to your refrigerator is a modern standard if you don’t have one already

      In upgrades you could do whenever we put a motion detecting faucet in our kitchen and it’s awesome

      1. DataSci*

        Yes to shutoff valves! We used one literally last week when a toilet overflowed due to kiddo using too much tp. Shut off water to that bathroom, fix problem, water back on, no disruption to the rest of the house.

        No motion-detecting faucets for us. Our cats are usually good about staying off the counter, but they wouldn’t be able to resist the magic water.

      2. JSPA*

        Ice makers suck energy; in my experience can grow bacteria if you don’t use them much; are prone to failure; and are prone to piping leaks that go undetected until the floor has been compromised. I get that in some climates / for some people they make sense, but IMO they’re questionable as an “upgrade,” and silly as a default, outside of very hot / hot and arid climates.

        1. DataSci*

          Depends on how much ice you use. I drink several quarts of water a day, and even in winter I find it more pleasant if it’s cold, so we use a lot of ice. For us it’s a major convenience.

      3. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

        Ooh, I can definitely see shutoff valves being important! That’s a good thing to make sure I budget for including.

        I’m having a problem where the original-to-the-house toilet was replaced with a low-flow one at some point, and now there’s not enough water going through the system to reliably flush out the sewer pipe and keep in-line clogs from happening if I don’t also run the shower regularly. I’m going to see if there’s any way to get a steeper grade on the sewer pipe or otherwise fix this while re-piping, but for right now I have to run the tub a couple of times a week and before having company over just to keep the pipes clear. (The house has a second bathroom off of the utility room and garage, which is more convenient to use than the main bathroom in the house during the summer when I want to go swimming in the backyard pool. Before I knew about this issue, which I learned about in a disgusting and expensive way, I did pretty much all of my summer showering out in that second bathroom since I might as well also go for a swim after my morning shower if there’s no place I need to be that day, and if I’m already taking pre- and post-swimming showers pretty much every day there’s no reason to take additional showers in the other bathroom.)

    9. RagingADHD*

      I am not sure why anyone would consider it weird to let company use a fancy toilet. I was brought up that fancy things are for company, anyway.

    10. Lady Alys*

      Thanks to 3M I live in an area where there is a good chance the water is contaminated with PFAS. We got a whole-house water treatment system (some sort of charcoal filtration and softening) that includes a fancy reverse-osmosis system that is piped to a separate little faucet at the kitchen sink and the fridge’s water dispenser. No more having to de-scale my electric kettle!

    11. Details matter*

      Bidet should be straightforward to use, BUT examine the models & get details. Friends were thrilled to put in a toilet with a bidet, but there’s a design flaw. Every woman who has tried the bidet function has gotten a uti.

      1. JSPA*

        Indeed! Either from violating the whole, “don’t cross-contaminate from back to front” concept by literally spraying shit around. Or the system itself can get contaminated internally, and they’re a pain to disinfect fully. (I’m amazed they have not been linked to legionnaire’s, e.g. after they sit unused during an extended vacation.)

        If you have the space, consider an actual, separate bidet. (The only way I can fit one in would be to somehow put it inside the bigger-than-needed shower, which isn’t going to work. Sigh.)

        If you’re someplace cold, heated towel racks (with hot water running through them when you run the bath or shower) is a nice touch.

    12. Chaordic One*

      Well, of course you should do it (install the bidet). And I’m really impressed by the suggestions of the other commenters. (Shout out to Ranon. Good one!) Although not plumbing-related, while remodeling you might want to consider installing radiant heated floors in the bathroom.

      That said, you might very well run into situations where your guests have never before actually seen a bidet, or even know what one is. (I’ve met people who, on first seeing one, thought it was a urinal.) I’m just sayin’. Be prepared to do some educating.

      1. Chaordic One*

        Well, they wouldn’t think that if the bidet was part of the toilet, of course, but they probably wouldn’t know how to use it.

      2. Bibliovore*

        seconding the heated floors. And new to me- heated shower floor. I didn’t even know that was possible.

      3. JSPA*

        What’s under discussion isn’t a real bidet, it’s just a Japanese-style toto-type toilet (or aftermarket tank and sprayer attachment).

    13. Observer*

      If you can figure out how to create a second bathroom (is your current one large?) even if the second one only has a shower not a full tub, that’s shockingly helpful.

      I don’t see any reason to not have a bidet just because a guest might see it. My only question is if a combined item might confuse people.

      1. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

        I have two bathrooms, but the second one is off of the garage/utility part of the house rather than in the main part of the house. It’s great for when people are over in the backyard, for showering before and after swimming in the backyard pool, and for dealing with those times when you, the dog, and/or a kid has gotten too messy to go in the house as-is. (It was also great during the early parts of covid since it let me offer a bathroom to whoever I had invited over to hang out in the backyard in a part of the house that was pretty separate from the rest of the house.) However, it’s down a few steps from the main entertaining part of the house, and the other end of the house from where the bedrooms are, so it’s more of the “outdoor-adjacent bathroom” rather than a viable replacement for the main bathroom for all guests. (It’s also tiny and laid out in such a way that there’s no practical way to add grab bars for the toilet, which is an issue for some of my guests.)

        The main bathroom is small enough that there’s no real way to split it into two bathrooms unless I wanted to remove the tub and have two half-baths, and having the only shower be out near the garage would probably be pretty weird. It’s just not that big of a house, so there’s no good way to steal the space for another bathroom if I want to keep all 3 bedrooms viable as bedrooms. (I dream about expanding the house’s footprint some day, but that’s not going to happen with the current round of improvements.)

    14. Morning reader*

      I guess I don’t understand the question. I have a bidet and it appears to be just an extra thick toilet seat. If you don’t use the bidet function it operates exactly like a regular toilet. I’m in a similar 50s built house with one bathroom.I’ve never had a guest have any issue (besides perhaps envy?) with using the toilet. I’m not aware that anyone else has tried using the bidet but then I don’t know what anyone’s up to in the bathroom.
      The thing with the kids not knowing how to use bar soap? That’s their weirdness not yours. Equivalent to children not knowing how to tune a radio or answer a landline phone.

    15. Ashloo*

      We have a 1 bath 1950 ranch and a cheap bidet attachment on the only toilet. Definitely get the toilet if you want it! No one has ever commented on our setup, and we make sure it all looks exceptionally clean (the clip on ones are a bit of a pain to clean properly, but I imagine a built in design would be as simple as a normal seat).

  19. Paralegal Part Deux*

    I bought a tv for my bedroom and have gotten it installed. Anyone have recommendations for sound bars? There are so many out there and have no idea where to start.

    1. Unexpected Outcomes*

      I don’t have recommendations but my go to for research like this is to google something like … best sound bars

      There are so many comparison articles. I look for some consensus and for articles that explain things in a way that helps me understand.

      Look for cnet, it’s a good source.

      Also, google tip: you can limit google searches to articles in the last month or year or custom dates. I’ve learned many people don’t know that.

    3. Elle Woods*

      We have a Sony TV and a Sony sound bar and love it. One recommendation we got was to get the same sound bar as your TV. I’m not sure that always needs to be the case but it’s worked well for us.

    5. ThatGirl*

      We have a Samsung tv and my husband researched and decided on a Samsung sound bar to match. He’s happy with it, and I don’t care as much but it sounds good.

  20. Derp*

    I have a friend who is occasionally annoying not because she’s being rude but because of her personality. Imagine dating someone who is perfectly lovely but a little too intense. Not in a creepy way but overly expressive with how much they like you. I experience a platonic version of this.

    She has specific ideas on what a good friend *should* do and sometimes I find it suffocating. She gets hurt if people don’t reciprocate the same way and doesn’t understand when I explain why others might not treat friendships as intensely as she does.

    Curious if others have experienced?

    1. Ellis Bell*

      I don’t think intensity is as much a problem as the inflexibility. When you explain that friendship looks like x to you, she isn’t listening because to her way of thinking friendship only looks like y. If she were more flexible and open to other viewpoints, you could have a good faith discussion about friendship style compromise and your mutual tolerance limits. Is a good faith discussion possible with this person? So, being respectful of her viewpoint, it may be that she just doesn’t have any tolerance limits at all. She needs someone to be either all in or all out. That doesn’t make her a bad person, but she may be incompatible. I’ve definitely had friendships end because I didn’t treat them like a romantic partner who was involved in every decision and thought process; I just don’t have the spoons for that and I never will. Tell her the most you can realistically and cheerfully offer, and go from there.

    2. Scientist*

      Yes I have definitely experienced!!! As I was reading your comment I was like, holy cow this is a perfect description of R——- . We’re just casual friends through life circumstances/shared activities but she’s *always* saying things in text or in person like “I love you so much! You are such a wonderful, magical person!” It feels unnatural to reciprocate and overall uncomfortable.

    3. fposte*

      I think I unconsciously screen for this, because one of my least favorite things is to feel grabbed at and my friends and I are all very slow intimacy developers and lackadaisical texters. I remember reading somebody online struggling from the other side and saying “I want my friends to greet getting a text from me with delight!” And I thought, that’s asking for a lot of emotion about a text, and I don’t greet a text from anybody with delight.

      At this point you’ve explained; it’s not your obligation to ensure she understands. The simple fact is that you don’t have to tell somebody you love them just to mitigate their need or anxiety. There’s the Miss Manners classic of answering a platonic “I love you!” with “Aren’t you a dear to say so.” If she presses on this–which would be weird but hey, people do weirder–you say compactly that you and she have talked about this, and you’re not the person to seek this from, but you enjoy gaming or whatever with her, and how about that Animal Crossing island?

    4. Siobahn*

      I have a friend who is as you describe, and, over time, I’ve learned to accept it. Not saying you should do the same; just sharing that my friend has so many other un-annoying qualities that there is room to overlook this one. Also, it works for her. She’s very creative in her style of hair and clothing, so, while annoying, her intensity and lack of understanding about why everyone isn’t like she is motivates me to just put on my metaphorical seatbelt and enjoy the ride.

      I hope things work out for the best for y’all.

    5. allathian*

      I had a not one but two friends like this in college. I could’ve dealt with the declarations of undying friendship if she had been able to deal with the lack of reciprocation. The worst thing was that both of them wanted to monopolize my company for whatever reason. I solved it by asking both of them for a cup of coffee, but without mentioning the other was coming, and ten minutes after they met, they were pretty much declaring undying friendship to each other. I didn’t ghost them or African violet them, but they were very happy to be besties with each other, and I was happy that they’d found each other and were able to have more casual friendships with other people.

      1. nm*

        Oh I think it’s so sweet and a little funny to set them up with each other! Maybe all of us who have just 1 person with this personality should find someone else in the same predicament, and set our “friends” up with each other.

    6. Not A Manager*

      I have experienced the same. For a long time, situations like this would put my shoulders up around my ears, and I’d let the friendship fade. The “love languages” thing is a bit over-blown, but over time I’ve learned that people do express emotions in ways that I sometimes need to “translate” into my own language. I have a friend who used to feel kind of bossy and overbearing, but after a while I learned to translate her officiousness into an expression of love and concern. I don’t have to do what she says, but I can accept her suggestions in the spirit that she offers them.

      Similarly, I’ve learned that sometimes I need to “speak” someone else’s language in order for them to understand my actual emotions. If someone I’m fond of tends to express their affection in strong terms, probably it’s not because they actually like me a lot more than I like them. Probably we feel about the same, but they use stronger language to name that same emotion. So I will raise my level of heat too. Maybe not to the same level, but it costs me nothing to pop a few exclamation points into my texts, or add some emojis, or say something like, “you are the best!” Those might feel like A Lot to me, but they probably read as Normal Affection to my friend.

      In your case, if you actually like this friend and she’s not really crowding you, but you feel that you are disappointing/hurting her by not mirroring her intensity, you could try upping your intensity in areas that are low-cost to you. You don’t have to hang out more, or drop everything whenever she calls, but you could mirror some of her affectionate language, or remember to bring her a small treat when you see her, or be sure to call on her birthday if that’s important to her.

      I will say that since I’ve consciously started doing stuff like this with different friends (mirroring what feels loving to them), I’m really pleased with myself. In one way, I’m stretching what feels real or authentic to me, but I also know that I genuinely like these people, and making these small changes allows them to *feel* that I genuinely like them. It’s a little bit like cooking a meal for a friend that isn’t your favorite food, but you know that it’s their favorite food.

    7. Sabine the Very Mean*

      Yes. I ended a 15+ year friendship (a best friendship from her side) and resent myself for allowing her to remain in my life for so long. She trampled boundaries because she herself held none. She would call me and if I didn’t answer, she would come to my house. If I didn’t answer the door, she’d try and turn the door handle to just walk in. On rare occasions that I would go to her home, she would rib me for knocking and not just walking in. She would often tell me that she would drop anything to “be there” for me and I would never tell her she’d be the last person I’d call. She expected me to also be there for her at the drop of a dime. Her brother was in the ICU after a DUI and she couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t take vacation (I was a teacher) and fly out to sit in the waiting room with her. When she was preparing to give birth, she announced that I could come a week early so that I could make sure I’d be there when it happened (why?).

      I myself do not emotionally invest in friends or friendships. I know that sounds odd but it’s just the way I am. I do not crave these types of relationships and find them generally burdensome. I have no idea why the two of us wound up together. I simply called her one day and said I no longer cared to be friends.

    8. Anon for this one*

      Yes, and I came to the conclusion that there was a fundamental mismatch in expectations. I’m still very sad about how the friendship ended but not sure what I could have done to preserve it, as that would have required both of us to be different people.

      You could bring it up again gently to point out the pattern you’ve noticed. On the other hand, there are probably people out there for your friend who *will* reciprocate just as intensely as she needs—I hope she finds them!

    9. Ampersand*

      I was friends with someone like this for about 10 years. She was well meaning but just a lot—to her credit, she knew that about herself but couldn’t/wouldn’t/didn’t tone it down. I finally had to take a break from the friendship when she did something that I could have gotten past if she’d taken any responsibility for her actions; instead, she doubled down on defending her behavior, and that was it for me. I thought we wouldn’t talk to or see each other for a few months. We haven’t spoken in four years, and honestly I haven’t missed her. She was exhausting, I realize now.

      But I think about her a lot, partly because so many of the problematic employees/situations that LWs write in about here remind me of my former friend! It’s so interesting. I’ve learned that there’s a certain type of personality that I don’t mesh well with, so that’s been useful information to have. I started to get to know a new coworker recently who I thought could be a friend—but she reminded me of former friend so much that all the alarm bells were going off. I paid attention this time and eased off on being friends outside of work. This personality type makes me want to run for the hills these days!

      My only advice is to do what you need to do. Sounds like she’s not changing, so you’ll have to institute boundaries that work for you if that’s what’s needed.

      1. 1LFTW*

        she knew that about herself but couldn’t/wouldn’t/didn’t tone it down

        I’ve been there. My former friend was prone to dramatic overreactions. She knew she was overreacting, and admitted that she did it partly to get attention, but refused to change… because she was convinced that it was part of her charm (narrator: it was actually not charming in the least.) She dramatically overreacted one too many times to me setting boundaries and, after fourteen years, I took some space thinking I’d get back in touch in a few months… then I realized that just the thought of reaching out gave me overwhelming anxiety.

        I wish you the best, OP.

    10. New Mom*

      My sister is kind of like this. She has very high expectations that relationships and friendships will revolve around her and her issues/problems and it’s hard to get a word in edgewise or create boundaries without hurting her feelings (making her erupt). Unfortunately I’ve noticed that her more assertive friends have disappeared over the years and she only still has a handful of friends who are all pretty quiet/submissive/afraid of confrontation.
      If you’re friendship with your friend is exhausting and you can’t talk to her about it, it’ll be hard to maintain. But I still think it’s worth it to try to set boundaries and don’t be focused on how she’ll react because that’s outside of your control. Only your own feelings and reactions do you have control over.

  21. Ellis Bell*

    Can anyone recommend a good brow product for light skin and sparse brows, that’s super easy to apply? I’m a redhead with pale skin, and I have somewhat babyish eyebrows which wisp at both the inner and outer corners. I’ve had some success with the taupe colour pencils aimed at blondes, but it takes a lot of concentration to apply it in a way that looks natural. So, I only use it for special occasions and I’d like to use it in the morning. Ideally I’d like to just swipe something on like a brow gel or something.

    1. English Rose*

      Following this thread for ideas really. I have light skin, silver hair and sparse pepper and salt eyebrows. I struggle in the same way you do!

    2. mreasy*

      Glossier boy brow is a light brow gel that’s made to be buildable, so it isn’t super heavy. They have a range of colors.

      1. Ellis Bell*

        Oooh the lash stuff looks super good too; I’m so sick of all mascaras looking like falsies, being jet black and stiffly spider like. It even comes in auburn and ships to the UK hurrah!

        1. Pippa K*

          Glossier’s mascara is the best I have ever used. I’m completely surprised to find myself having a firm opinion about mascara, but there it is.

    3. Expiring Cat Memes*

      I use a home brow tint kit, which only needs redoing every 3-4 weeks. It helps to get a professional brow shape and tint to start with, and then just maintain with the home kit from there.

      Not sure if the brand is available where you are, but the one I use is called 1000 hour. Trick I learned from the pros is to mix up a generous amount, then put it on, take it off after a minute. Fill in the gaps, off after a minute. Not dark enough? Put on more and then wipe off after a minute. The product still seems to darken for a bit after you remove it, so slowly building it up helps you see how dark you’re going.

      1. Ellis Bell*

        I really like tinting! The only problem with it is sometimes I genuinely like to be entirely makeup free. It can be super useful when you have a few dress up events back to back though, so thanks for the reccy. I think I’d rather tint my own actually, for some reason beauticians are convinced I want very dark brown brows, and black lashes and if I’m emphatic that no, I really don’t; I get a lot of sighing.

        1. Snoozing not schmoozing*

          A friend of mine who had natural light hair used one of the darker self-tanners applied with a brush (or carefully with a Q-tip) to enhance her brows without daily maintenance. She’d touch them up about one a week as needed.

        2. PhyllisB*

          You can find auburn eyebrow tint online. I used to tint mine when I colored my hair red, but now my brows have started to turn grey and wiry and won’t accept tint, so I just use stuff that comes in a tube like mascara in a medium brown and that works about as well as anything else.

        3. Courageous cat*

          I’m a pale redhead and I use Just for Men to dye my brows a couple times a month. Takes 3 minutes and is dead simple.

    4. TPS reporter*

      I have similar coloring and using Blinc eyebrow mousse in Auburn. I think it matches pretty well to my hair and stays without smudging. I also use Maybelline mascara in brown

    5. Btdt*

      I’m a brunette with dark eyebrows so YMMV, but I just use powder eyeshadow a couple shades lighter than my brows and put a very light sweep on. It suggests fullness rather than imitating it, if that makes sense. The lack of hard edges like a pencil mark makes it super easy and fast to make natural-looking fills.

    6. MissCoco*

      I love Anastasia Beverly Hills dipbrow gel. It’s SO easy to apply, I really have to overdo it for it to look weird or artificial.

      I have dark brown hair but light and very fine brows, so I use one of the darker shades, but they do have some variety in the shades.

    7. Ask a Manager* Post author

      I love tinting mine (also a redhead) but if you want to go the pencil route, I really like the Benefit Goof-Proof Eye Pencil (which somehow really is goof-proof). Also, my mom has completely lost her eyebrows from chemo and after lots of experimentation discovered this product, which looks super natural, even up close.

      1. Ellis Bell*

        I have been looking for a decent excuse to buy something from Benefit! I’m completely fascinated by those brow tattoos; I don’t think I’d be interested if they were more permanent, but a couple of days seems like a very easy experiment.

    8. misspiggy*

      Brunette with sparse eyebrows here. I tend to use clear brow gel and then lightly drag a soft kohl-type eyeliner over the hairs in the direction of their growth, while still wet from the gel.

    9. Worked in IT forever*

      I like Maybelline’s Brow FastSculpt. It’s a mascara-like gel that comes in different colours. It’s wet enough to go on easily and doesn’t clump. It gives definition and covers my few grey hairs well.

      I used to use MAC’s brow gel, but I stopped using it because they discontinued my shade. It’s more thickening than the Maybelline product (IIRC , it has fibres in it), but a lot more expensive.

    10. Imtheone*

      I use this product. Because it has three strands, it is easy to brush on. I use the blonde tint, which may be too dark for you, but could be worth trying:

      Maybelline New York TattooStudio Brow Tint Pen Makeup, 1 Count

  22. ArtNeeded*

    Looking for recommendations for wall art. I have a big white wall behind me in my home office and its driving me crazy! A few things I know:

    1) I’d like a big piece vs. multiple smaller ones
    2) I don’t want a tapestry but open to other non traditional ideas at this point
    3) my vibe is cozy and I am obsessed with nature
    4) I don’t like abstract or minimalist styles
    5) budget is fairly small, thinking $100 and under and but I’ll definitely budge for a really really cool thing!

    I’ve looked around but I don’t have a good eye for interior design or art apparently. Just hoping some people having cool stuff they want to share! Please feel free to link to specific things or examples. I will say I don’t do well imagining unless I can see a thing so images are welcome. Have fun, I’m very open to seeing some cool art!

    1. Dumpster Fire*

      I have a large map of the world in a space like that. Mostly browns and golds, not the usual blue oceans with different colors for each country; so it fits into that “cozy” vibe. It doesn’t demand attention the way a large painting might.

      2. Generic Name*

        I was going to suggest a map. I have a large antique reproduction map of my state in the same location in my home office. I’ve gotten positive comments from coworkers and colleagues on it.

      3. Wannessa*

        I was also going to suggest a map! I have a big map of all the hiking trails in California as the centerpiece of my dining room wall. It’s also more of a brown/parchment color so it’s not flashy or distracting. I’m slowly framing it with more colorful things (metal prints of my own photos from roadtrips, roughly lined up with where on the map each photo was taken) but it looked great before that, too. I get compliments on it very often; people love to get close and study all the little details.

    2. Falling Diphthong*

      A quilt, but it would help to be a crafter and the materials for a large quilt are usually more than $100. I mention the idea in case that sparks “My aunt has some beautiful quilts and half of them are just on shelves for space reasons.” In general, I would guess if you hang around the right flea market long enough you could find something that was large, under $100, and appealed to you; heavily dependent on whether that sort of frequent browsing is fun or stressful to you.

      This week I was at a medical appointment and there was a big framed photo of a forest landscape on the wall. It was incredibly soothing to look at. For your budget I would consider checking out cheap frames (frames take it from dorm room poster to displaying photography I like; professional framing is very expensive) and buying one or two posters of nature that really resonate with you.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        Example of art quilt: https://www.quiltingdaily.com/celebrating-cinco-de-mayo-quilt-style/

        Example of landscape photography: https://www.capturelandscapes.com/introductions-to-fundamentals-in-landscape-photography/

        A bit more expensive, but something my spouse and kids really are into, and I find interesting: Fromes, paintings of lines that capture the dominant color of the frames of a film. Daughter found them, gave her dad Totoro, and my son now has a set of three that do The Last Airbender and really look good next to each other. https://www.frome.co

      2. ArtNeeded*

        I like the forest idea, but photography prints have always seems too poster-y. Maybe the frame is what I needed to consider it!

      3. Blue wall*

        Was going to say a quilt! Do you live near Amish country? If so you can bid on one at a mud sale and often pay a much lower price than in-store.

        1. Ranon*

          If you buy new- but if OP is open to second hand there are a lot of quilts out there going for far less than they’re worth, a quick skim of Poshmark and an eye out at yard sales and the like could yield something cool.

      5. Falling Diphthong*

        Something I put in my linked samples but the post hasn’t been approved yet: Fromes, prints with a series of lines capturing the dominant color in each scene in a film. I just checked the website and they are on sale for $100. Probably you want something a bit bigger (they’re about 1′ by 2′), but this was something one kid found and people are quite intrigued by them.

    4. Glomarization, Esq.*

      I’ve outfitted my work office with art from thrift stores. (Also diplomas because it’s de rigeur for lawyers.) As for larger-scale items, I’ve had better luck finding abstract stuff rather than figurative pieces, because larger figurative art in thrift stores tends to be the less skillfully done pieces that people don’t care to keep. It’s like with everything at second-hand shops, though — just gotta go back over and over again.

    5. Bobina*

      Definitely some kind of nature print? I was going to suggest some really cool living plant walls that I’ve seen on some plant Instagrams, but those are probably only worth it if you actually want to care for them rather than just having something to fill the space.

      I’ve definitely assumed nature = plants here, so for me, I’d like something like a large scientific print of my favourite plant with the traditional style drawings and maybe cross sections or something like that. If you search “botanical art” or “botanical illustration” – thats the kind of thing I’m thinking of, and then you can narrow it down.

    6. Bobina*

      Oh second one because you just reminded me of some posters I’d love to get – not nature, but the NASA Space Tourism posters. I *love* those and definitely want to get at least one for myself!

      If you search “NASA space tourism posters”, you should get to the official link where they are free to download too!

      1. Lady Alys*

        Aren’t those fabulous? I like the US National Park posters too, mostly done either by WPA artists themselves, or in that style. My brother has something from an Etsy shop that was a whole series of those images in a grid.

    8. Anono-me*

      I’m looking at this design issue too. I have lots of huge walls and need 6’x3′ or 6’x6′ somethings. One space is getting a quilt, but there are more. Right now I’m considering one of three things.

      1. Wood frames with beautiful fabrics stretched over it. (Similar to how an unpainted canvas is made.)

      Edging large pieces of sheet rock so that they look finished then:

      2. Applying dramatic wall paper. (I love the look of wallpaper, but hate stripping it so much that I will never again wallpaper a wall.)

      3. Have young family members go Jackson Pollock on it in colors that I like for the room.

    9. fposte*

      It would depend on you finding fabric that doesn’t fall too far into the abstract/minimalist for you, but you can get wooden stretcher bars from a craft store or online and then mount a fabric print on them (you just staple the fabric around the backside, so even a craft idiot like me can manage it). People do that a lot with Marimekko (I think because their prints are scaled very large), but obviously you can use anything you want. I’ve posted a link in followup to an Etsy example so you can see what I mean–be sure to look at more than just the first picture so you can see how the dimensionality works.

    10. KatEnigma*

      Browse Etsy. I’ve had my eye on a large wooden piece for over my bed now for awhile- $120ish range.

    11. Feathers*

      How about framing sheets of really nice wrapping paper? Websites like Society6 have all kinds of inexpensive and beautiful nature print wrapping paper that you can trim (or leave large) and frame.

      2. trilusion*

        And while you’re on Society6: If you find an artwork there that you love, they can print it for you in different sizes and in different ways, e.g. poster, canvas, wall hanging or even on a shower curtain

    12. Dark Macadamia*

      A wallpaper accent wall, or decals/stenciling of a tree pattern? A hanging scroll style art print might work – more tapestry-ish than a framed piece or canvas, but not a tapestry (I’m thinking the things where there is a bar of wood at the top and bottom but not on the side – they don’t necessarily actually roll up but have that vibe. I think they’re fairly easy to DIY if you find a fabric or poster you like).

      1. Chaordic One*

        I’ve seen some really gorgeous William Morris wallpaper. Expensive, but decorative and worth it.

    13. Girasol*

      If you’re not in any hurry, watch thrift stores. There’s a lot of really awful stuff there but occasionally you’ll turn up a one of a kind gem. We have several that look to be amateur painters’ works, one of a Colorado trail in autumn and one of Texas mesas, but they’re really good works and very pleasant to look at. We also found a set of landscape paintings by a known Amish artist that wouldn’t be worth an episode of Antiques Roadshow but they really suit us. You could go online to get nice Audubon prints and old botanical drawings which look great matted and framed, but they’re likely to be better as a grouping of two or three, so that might not suit you.

    15. Brunch Enthusiast*

      There are services that print any image onto a large stretched canvas. That can be a bit more to the cosy end of the spectrum than the more formal framed-in-glass presentation.
      You might like an aerial photograph of a really striking landscape? Or maybe a very very close-up shot of plant parts or mosses or something that we don’t usually look at in such detail? Anything goes as long as it’s high-enough resolution to print at your preferred size without looking blurry!

    16. Missb*

      Consider a tree stump print off a place like Etsy. Basically someone finds a really cool downed tree, takes a slice and then does an ink print of the slice. So you see the growth rings, thicker (bark) outer edge. It looks pretty cool.

      I bought one off Etsy that’s actually three large prints because it was a really huge tree.

    17. Bluebell*

      As a temporary option, have you checked your local library? Many of them lend posters and prints of different sizes. It’s free, and it could help you narrow down what you want.

    19. Chaordic One*

      I’ve seen a lot of surprisingly good artwork offered for sale at reasonable prices at local art shows, craft fairs, swap meets, and even farmer’s markets. Most of it made by local artists. Also local Artist Guilds. It doesn’t hurt to look.

    21. mreasy*

      We ordered wallpaper on Spoonflower and framed it – we did two frames so it’s a diptych but it looks great and works on a big wall we were unsure how to handle.

    22. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Do you like vintage travel posters? I found some I really liked, and they definitely perk up those blank walls. I tried to co-ordinate the colors of the posters I picked with some of the colors already in the room. I used all posters dot com.

    24. Morning reader*

      An artist daughter of an old friend of mine (first name Tohar) creates mandala-style wall art with painted wood cuts. It’s thin wood that hangs flat on the wall. I’m not describing it well but it’s beautiful! A good alternative to framed paintings or pictures.

      Tohardesign.com

  23. Fly Away*

    I don’t know what to do about giving my nieces uneven amounts of money to put toward their college savings plans.

    I started out sending my first niece $200 for her Christening and then $250 for each birthday and Christmas. My second niece was born around when I was laid off from my job, so I only gave her two college funds gifts before I stopped sending either of them money (my six months of unemployment benefits ran out and I had no idea when I’d find a job).

    I ended up being unemployed for two and a half years before getting stuck in a minimum wage job for a year, and then getting my current job (better paying than the minimum wage job, but the pay still isn’t great).

    I figured I should start sending college fund money again soon (albeit smaller amounts than previously since I’m earning significantly less money now than the job I got laid off from), but I thought I should send a check for my younger niece to even out whatever amount I’d sent my older niece. I looked through my checkbook, and was distressed to discover I’d sent my older niece a total of $1,700 and my younger niece only $550. So a $1,150 difference. Which is a lot to me.

    What would you guys do in this situation? I’m feeling very awkward and guilty over it.

    1. Falling Diphthong*

      I type this as someone about to pay for my youngest child’s last semester of college:

      Don’t worry about it at all. If you are able to start giving money to each twice a year again, do that because it’s important to you, at a level that is workable with your current budget. Maybe that’s $50 for a while.

      Because you stopped for both of them when unemployed, the amounts will even out with no action on your part. The age gap simply dictated that the oldest would always have $1150 more in her account, and that gap would close up when you stopped adding money for her (at 18?) and then were only giving to her younger sister for a few years. There is no actual discrepancy here for you to correct.

    2. Ellis Bell*

      I doubt anyone is adding it up in the way that you are! These are gifts; gifts are pretty random, representative of that particular time and meant to be appreciated in the moment, there’s no looking back and adding up when it’s about gifts! Besides, your younger niece has more saving up time before she goes. If your budget is different now, there’s also different ways to support your niece depending on your relationship with her. You could offer her tutoring, help her with the decisions or go through a budget with her. If you still feel like you want to help more than you have, you can go shopping with her for school stuff before she goes and let her pick out some specific stuff within your real budget. Kids know you love them if you show up for stuff, more than if you pay for stuff. Besides, it’s really helping out your sibling isn’t it? I’m sure they appreciate any help you’ve given and can level it out themselves.

    3. Not A Manager*

      If you’re planning to continue giving to them regularly, @Falling Diphthong is right that there would always be a gap between them. If you think that you want to give them a good start but that you can’t commit to continuous gifts, then I’d top off the younger girl’s account slowly, with amounts you can tolerate when it makes sense to you, until they’re evened up. Then give what you can, when you can, evenly between them.

    4. Sunshine*

      As a parent I would be so appreciative of this. One it’s such a lovely way to support your loved ones future. Second my kids have too many toys and every holiday brings an onslaught. So to me 20-30$ in lieu of birthday gifts would be so lovely.
      Don’t worry about the disparity. Gifts should be reasonable based on where we are not a standard or someone else’s expectation.
      What a nice aunt you are

    5. fposte*

      Aside from the “this isn’t really about math so don’t focus on it,” I’ll note that if you’re doing this annually, your older niece will likely be going to college earlier than the younger so there are more years for your younger to receive a contribution to the fund.

    6. Dark Macadamia*

      Just give them the same amount each time! You’ll presumably stop giving to the older one before the younger so it more or less evens out. You could always keep some extra saved in your own accounts for the younger one if that makes you feel better, and then if she ends up needing it, like for grad school or because she doesn’t get a scholarship or something, you’ll have it to offer.

    7. Pamela Adams*

      Mine is the opposite. I started all 3 funds a the same time a year ago, but one child is 13 and the others are 7 and 8, so will have more time.

    8. Fly Away*

      Thank you for the responses!!! It’s really helpful to hear other peoples’ perspectives on this.

      I hadn’t considered how the younger niece would always be “behind” by default just because she’ll be going to college a few years later than the older one. So that’s a good point.

      And you guys are right that the college fund money is a gift, so I don’t need to “do the math” and “keep track.” I don’t think they’ll ever end up being “even” if I start giving them equal amounts again and am unable to ever give my younger niece extra, but they’re gifts so I don’t have to make sure they’re retroactively perfectly fair. It’s like how I’ve bought my older niece more books and toys just because she’s been around longer. I don’t need to go back and buy extra books and toys for my younger niece to make up for it!

      (And it’s not like I planned to make my gift-giving uneven. My brother and SIL told me they only wanted to have one kid, so having to give college fund money to two was unexpected. And I didn’t plan on becoming long-term unemployed or ending up in low paying jobs.)

      1. M*

        It sounds like this is really important to you. I do want to make sure you know you are not obligated to do this—circumstances change and you do not need to give the same as you did before yours changed. One thing you could do if it doesn’t feel like enough is give them money at a level you can afford it, and set apart a little more in an account of your own. If you don’t end up needing it, that’s a great graduation present. If you do, they’re none the wiser and you are taking care of yourself.

    9. Bluebell*

      I wouldn’t be too concerned. I think it’s lovely you are doing this, and you have no idea what might happen in the future. When our kid decided that college wasn’t for them, we created two 529s for our niece and nephew last year. At this point, we have made one distribution to niece, who is in her freshman year. Meanwhile, nephew has withdrawn from 2 colleges, so we are not sure if we might transfer money into the nieces 529. Their mom is just happy to get some help.

    1. Neurodivergent in Germany*

      I love the talks by Sarah Hendrickx on YouTube.
      She talks about relationships a lot

      1. Neurodivergent in Germany*

        I don’t tend to like books that are geared specifically towards women or are too self-helpy. YMMV

        Blogs that helped me:
        – just stimming by Julia Bascom
        – Articulate Autistic by Jaime Heidel
        – Musings of an Aspie by Cynthia Kim
        – Thinking Person’s Guide to Autism by Shannon Rosa et al

        And a favorite book:
        Unmasking Autism by Dr Devon Price

        Hope this helps.

    2. Just a different redhead*

      I do enjoy some of the articles on AANE’s blog, like https://www.aane.org/understanding-neurodiverse-relationships/
      They also have a page https://www.aane.org/topics/adults/women/ that had some things that really helped me in general.

      This is less specific but there’s a lot of advice buried in the interviews at Learn from Autistics, here (if you like reading): https://www.learnfromautistics.com/blog/
      Here’s an example that might have something helpful in it… https://www.learnfromautistics.com/voices-spectrum-15-sarah-hendrickx-autistic-females-marriage-advocacy/

      The thinking person’s guide to autism has already been mentioned, but, seconding ^_^

  25. The butler did it*

    HOA website hosting recommendations?

    My low-key, very small HOA (<30 houses) has to move our site, as our current host is closing down. All we need is a password protected site to store documents and a way to send emails to the members. Free would be awesome, otherwise low cost ($100/year or so).

    Most website builders (weekly, wix, etc) don’t have the email feature. Google sites could work but making it private could be tricky, and it can be so clunky. There are a couple HOA specific hosts I’ve found but they are more than we need (we’re not collecting money) and the costs are higher.

    Thanks for ideas!

    1. The Cosmic Avenger*

      Does the email have to be connected to the website? And do you really need a website? Groups dot IO was created when Yahoo! Groups was closing down, and while it was created primarily as an email list service, it offers pretty robust features, including calendars and file sharing for groups.

      1. The Cosmic Avenger*

        Sorry, I realized that I don’t actually know when groups.io was created, but that’s when it really took off, a lot of Yahoo groups migrated there, and personally I think it was an upgrade.

      2. The butler did it*

        It looks like the email feature is free, but to get file storage, pricing is a minimum $20/month. I’m hoping for about half that.

    2. just another queer reader*

      One idea:
      – create an HOA email address on Gmail
      – store the documents in a shared folder on Google Drive.
      – create an email list in Gmail, and use this list for sending emails as well as administering access to the shared folder

      This should be free, as long as you’re below the storage limit (which I’d fully expect!)

    3. Observer*

      Do you actually need a web site?

      A single Google drive account should work. So could accounts from MS, Box, Drop Box. None of them provide an enormous amount of storage in their free accounts (check their site) but all of them do have upgrades, and mostly they are not too expensive.

      The real question is whether you actually need multiple people with different logins, and whether you need email address. All of them allow multiple users, but you are going to have to look at family / business plans, rather than the personal plans that would be free. If you are a non-profit you may be eligible for free accounts from both Google and MS. They are also you two best bets if you actually need to provide people with email.

      1. The butler did it*

        We could possibly do a shared drive, but everyone in the HOA legally needs access to the documents. I don’t want to have to juggle permissions for 45 folks. Google really has knuckled down on authentication so using a shared account, even just for the board, would be tough.

        1. Observer*

          A web site would be your WORST option.

          Unless you can qualify for either google or MS free accounts, you are not going to be able to do this for $100 unless you want to give everyone the same level of access and and keep changing the passwords. But realize that this is in incredibly risky strategy, and you are asking for trouble. It’s not for nothing that Google (and others) have cracked down on 2FA.

          Does everyone need access to actually edit the documents? Or just to READ them? If the latter you might be able to pull something off without too much expense, and a bit of inconvenience.

          1. The butler did it*

            Yeah, I think our options are a free but clunky Google approach, or pay about $250/year for a service that does everything the board needs.

  26. Shoe Shopping Anxiety*

    I know this is a vast and varied community, so I’m hoping someone has run into this problem as well. I HATE shoe shopping; whining through it as a kid at the mall with my mom has evolved into full-fledged avoidance and now I wear shoes until they are literally falling apart. When I make myself go shoe-shopping, I end up getting super-anxious and going into this spiral of “what if they end up being really uncomfortable? Can I return them if I’ve worn them? Can I ethically donate them if I know they fit weird? My feet look so weird in these, do I have oddly shaped feet?” And so forth.

    Has anyone else dealt with this and have ways to get through it? I get what I can repaired, but that’s not an option for all my shoes. I know that waiting until my existing shoes fall apart adds to the stress because I get to DSW with a “I’m not leaving this store without something” attitude, so I’m trying to shop more often, but I still end up in that spiral. Is there a way to make it enjoyable? I know that lots of people do enjoy it, but I can’t get my brain to accept it. Any shoe-shopping advice appreciated!

    1. The Prettiest Curse*

      I have large feet and really hate buying shoes in-store due to many shoe shop assistants over the years treating me like I was some kind of freak. (I’m only a UK size 8 / US size 10, but that’s still outside the size range of many brands.)

      For me, the answer was to buy a lot of different pairs online (via Zappos when I lived in the US, since they have a pretty generous return policy) and wear them inside for a few days till I was sure they would work out, then returning anything that didn’t work. I hope this helps and good luck!

      1. Not A Manager*

        I second the idea of buying many sizes/styles online and trying them at home. It feels wasteful but if you return them to one of those central drop-off locations there are efficiencies in sending them back.

        I also develop incredible brand and style loyalty. There’s one style of Vans that fits me perfectly. No other style does, even if the difference is just a slightly thicker sole. So now I order exactly the same style in a new pattern off the Van’s site whenever my old ones start to fall apart. For athletic shoes, nothing fits me better than New Balance, so I don’t even try any other brands. If I could buy the same fashion shoes over and over, I would, but alas they don’t make the same style each season. (I’m looking at you, ten-year-old Franco Sarto sandals.)

    2. Kiki*

      I also hate shoe shopping! I have two ideas which are wildly different from each other: 1) If you’re not icked out by the idea of buying secondhand: My wife poshmarked a BUNCH of new shoes when she started working an office job. You can get secondhand stuff for much lower prices, so if it doesn’t work out it’s not as big of a deal. She did the same thing for me with jeans – instead of searching around in stores to find the perfect pair of new jeans and spending $80 on one pair, we spent $80 on 10 pairs of jeans that I could just try on and now I have 3 new jeans that I love. It depends on if that feels worth it to you. 2) The other thing I have done is to just focus on finding the one brand of shoes that works for me, and then I *know* that their shoes will always be comfy and that the style will work for me. I really like Everlane and Cole Hahn for flats, and Aerosoles for heels, and Dansko for comfy every day shoes. If you can start keeping notes on the shoes that usually work out for you that you already own, that might help narrow it down the next time you need to shop (versus having to look at ALL the brands). Good luck!!!!

    3. Barnacle Sally*

      If you find a pair of shoes you like, can you buy another pair as “back up” so you’re not starting from scratch when the first pair starts to wear out? Or perhaps make a note of the brand. I notice that I really steer towards Merrell and Columbia brand shoes for my outdoor activities so I don’t even really bother looking at other shoe brands anymore (which cuts down on my shopping time and choices) as I know those brands suit my feet and they’re durable.

    4. Hotdog not dog*

      You can absolutely ethically donate shoes that weren’t right for you. Everyone’s feet are different, so your “nope, these feel terrible” is someone else’s “these are my favorite shoes”.
      My father is notoriously awful about shoe shopping. When we find something he likes, we buy 2 pairs so there’s a backup ready.

    5. Anono-me*

      Go to more expensive dedicated shoe stores. The people there are more apt to know their products due to training and higher wages for longevity. (DSW is a good shoe store for what it is, but the D stands for discount.) Many of the brands that have ‘cute, but sensible not cheap shoes’ have the same core shoes year after year with name and minor cosmetic changes. Find good shoes in a brand that does this that you like and then when you need new ones ask the salesperson at the nice shop to help you find this year’s version. (Also, buy multiple pairs if you can.)

      1. Shoe Shopping Anxiety*

        I actually am buying fairly good shoes (DSW isn’t really that discount anymore!) and tend to spend $80-150 on a pair when I am able to find something I like, if only because I know that if I like them I’ll be wearing them for a long time. It’s the getting to the point of finding something I like that is really hard for me because I get so anxious while shopping.

        1. Reba*

          When you do find a good pair, buy 2.

          I always used to find it funny that my mom’s closet was full of dupes or the same thing in all the offered colors… now I get it.

          I feel like as I’ve gotten older, my needs and preferences have become clearer to me. (I used to talk myself into things that didn’t work.) E.g., I can no longer tolerate shoes that squish my big toe out of alignment. This rules out a lot of styles, which is a pain, but at least I know I can dismiss them without a second thought.

    6. Ellis Bell*

      Instead of going shoe shopping, why not just try on one single pair of shoes when you’re other-stuff shopping? The more you try on, the more comparison you’ve done, and there’s more chance of spotting a bargain. You don’t have to have just one pair of shoes for school any more, or worry about growing out of them! It might take the pressure off. I haven’t gone “shoe shopping” since I was a little kid because I buy shoes when I see them. I see boots that would fit my calf, like once a decade.

    7. Falling Diphthong*

      I have some mobility issues that mean I have to be very picky about shoes. The most productive thing I’ve hit on is, if I find a pair that work well, after a month or so of wear (test driving) I look for the opportunity to get 1-2 identical pairs, and I stick those boxes on shelves in the closet until the first pair falls apart. Doing this with light Merrell trail runners now.

    8. Healthcare Worker*

      Oh, I feel this so much! I’m very brand loyal and order multiple pairs online, wear them in the house for several days, select a pair or two and return the others. A little work but I end up with shoes I like. And any that don’t work out I sell on Thredup.

    9. fposte*

      I haven’t shopped in person in years. And even then it was for sneakers, and it ended up being a dud. Online is the way to go. Returns are a breeze, nobody cares. And then if a few months later you’re thinking “Wow, these shoes really work for me,” go back and get another pair of them while they’re still available.

    10. KatEnigma*

      Just because they “fit weird” on your feet doesn’t mean they will fit weird on someone else’s feet, or that someone buying from a charity shop will be as picky about how exactly their shoes fit. So yes, donate what you don’t find comfortable.

    11. RagingADHD*

      It sounds like Zappo’s was made for you. Order brands and styles similar or identical to the last ones you had that were comfortable, try them on at home, and send the rest back.

      If you find something good, you could also monitor sales and get a couple of pairs at the same time. Then wear one and put the other aside, or rotate them to make them last longer.

    12. GlowCloud*

      Two places I can reliably find shoes that fit my freakishly long and narrow feet?

      Army surplus stores (I buy women’s parade shoes in a Size 8 as my ‘smart job interview shoes’)
      Any sports shop that sells classic Dunlop tennis shoes as my casual everyday summer shoes.

      They’re the two places I know I can reliably keep going back every few years and expect to find exactly the same style and fit, because they don’t change with the season’s latest trends. My style is a little on the masculine side, so I find it easier to find a brand that specialises in flat, practical shoes and stick to it, rather than try to locate the one good pair of shoes amongst thousands of items of flimsy womens’ footwear on sale this season.

      I also have a pair of Grisport walking boots that I got at my local outdoor store, for a walking holiday 5 years ago, and I now wear for every city break and most weekends when I run errands in town. They’re the most comfortable footwear I own.
      I also have a couple of fancy boots and heels for special occasions, that I picked up randomly (and cheaply!) from a car boot or charity shop – I go to so few events, that I expect them to last me a lifetime.

      The key criteria I have when shoe shopping:
      *Lace-ups always – I need the extra flexibility of being able to cinch them tight enough not to slip off my feet, or looser when I’m wearing thick socks.
      *This shoe has to look good with a large cross-section of everything in my wardrobe – I look for styles that can be read as smart or casual, depending on what they’re paired with, and keep to classic black styles so I can wear them everywhere.
      *Nothing chunky – I need the shoes to create the illusion that my feet are dainty, or I feel like I’m wearing herring boxes without topses.

      You don’t have to teach yourself to love shoe shopping (it still gives me body dysmorphia from the ankle down), but you can hone in on three or four reliable brands or styles of shoe and take out a lot of the trial and error. Hope that helps some.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        It really struck me walking around Florence (Xmas trip) that many people were wearing some sort of flat boot, good for walking. But when I enter DSW it feels like there are at least 10 high-heeled boots for every pair of flats. Women’s work shoes is even worse.

    13. Bibliovore*

      I HATE shoe shopping. I am a 6.5 wide which basically makes me impossible to fit. Rieker used to be perfect for work shoes for years then they changed the fit. Also with my special needs I have to have a lot of support.
      I buy on-line and if they don’t fit right away they go right back.
      For me now I buy really expensive shoes that last and if I find myself loving them I buy a second pair.
      I also throw out the falling apart shoes so that I make space in my life and HAVE to buy/find new ones.
      For dress up- Birkenstock short boots (unfortunately they don’t make them anymore)
      For walking and out doors- Merril boots.
      For indoor work- Birkenstock Boston.
      For indoor house shoes- Birkenstock wool boston (winter) upgrade from Haflingers that fell apart after years.
      For walking casual or fun outdoors- Airbirds wool with my own orthopedic inserts. the mesh ones for summer.
      For puppy time winter- Moon boots.
      For winter to keep warm-ABEO from Foot Smart. I just looked and saw they don’t have the ones I got for this year. Darn I should have gotten two pairs.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Seconding the excellent advice to buy multiple pairs of a style that you find comfy once you’ve found it.

    14. Jay (no, the other one)*

      Zappos if you’re in the US. I finally realized that ordering shoes online is trying them on, not buying them. They have free returns and a long return window. Last year I was looking for a pair of cute-ish well-padded walking shoes for a vacation. I think I ordered 12 or 15 pair before I finally settled on one. Most were returned immediately. I kept the top three contenders for several weeks and wore them around the house to decide. Once you know what works, stick with that brand.

      Also yes, you can ethically donate them. I just went through my closet and donated four pair of work shoes that I don’t wear at all anymore. One pair is barely worn. The others have some scuff marks on the soles and heels. Still no biggie.

    15. Alex*

      Some companies (albeit at higher price points) have try-on windows when you can wear the shoes and return them if they don’t work out. Off the top of my head, Vionic shoes does this, as well as Gravity Defyer (which is mostly sneakers/walking/running shoes). Look for companies like this, order online, and try them out. Don’t settle for something from DSW! DSW is for shoe shopping lovers, not haters.

    16. Quincy413*

      Anxiety permitting, would you be okay talking with an experienced salesperson? My family has a lot of unique shoe needs/odd sizing and we all go to family-owned shoe stores that really pride themselves on good customer service. Not sure if those exist in your area; definitely would recommend

    17. Courageous cat*

      Huh, interesting. I don’t have this problem at all, First of all, why *couldn’t* you ethically donate them to someone else? There’s zero problem with that and would be the ethical way (or hell, sell them) to get rid of anything that doesn’t work. You can also wear them around the house for a while before you take them out to judge their comfort level. Also look at reviews online if you’re particularly anxious.

    18. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      There are some shoe stores that cater to hard-to-fit feet and carry larger/wider/orthopedic styles, like Eneslow in New York. Also, some brands, like SAS, tend to offer larger/wider shoes that are comfier. I’m living in some very comfy Birkenstockesque sandals that I think are from SAS right now.

    19. carcinization*

      Different people have vastly different foot sizes/shapes/comfortability considerations, so you can definitely ethically donate shoes with that you know “fit weird,” because something that’s a weird fit on you may be the perfect fit on someone else! Even if the weird fit is because they pinch in the toes or are way wider or narrower than you expect or whatever! Source: I worked in thrift stores for years, and have definitely bought shoes at thrift stores during and after that period, even when they ostensibly weren’t in my size, because they nevertheless fit!

    20. Melody Pond*

      In case this helps, I recently learned of a large online shoe repair business:

      nushoes[dot]com

      They can even do athletic shoes. I’m planning to send my shoes here when they need it – I also hate shoe shopping.

    21. Mac (I Wish All The Floors Were Lava)*

      Have you tried enlisting a friend? Not someone who is going to try to talk you into a cute but uncomfortable shoe. Leave that friend at home. Go for the friend you would call to hold your hand if you had to pick out a casket unexpectedly. Say, “I’m stressed about this, I’d love some support, and I’ll treat us to a nice lunch after.” Go, set a goal of just trying on, like, 5 different pairs, with no intention to buy anything unless you absolutely fall in love. And then enjoy the rest of your afternoon hanging out with your friend, who will probably think it’s the easiest friend-favor they’ve ever been asked.

    23. MaryLoo*

      Find a brand that fits your feet. This will take lots of try-ons. Each brand seems to have the same shape characteristics across styles. If you find one that works, buy multiples. This can be a challenge because companies change styles, so you’re caught with giving a style a decent test drive before the company discontinues it.

      Also consider the various Dr Scholl’s products from the drugstore- arch supports, gel insoles of different kinds. The thin gel liners are great for times you need to wear dress up shoes.

      I have hard to fit feet and am not willing to wear shoes that hurt, no matter how much I like the look. Which is a challenge because many women’s shoes aren’t shaped like feet. (assuming you are female presenting)

      Somewhere I read that in the trade, mens shoes are considered “articles of clothing” and womens shoes are considered “accessories”. Explains a lot.

  27. Movies!*

    Haven’t done this in a while – what have people been watching lately?

    I watched The Pale Blue Eye last night, which is of a piece with a lot of the 90s thrillers we’ve been watching lately (Primal Fear, Presumed Innocent, etc.). I know there’s been so much conversation about Netflix’s strategy, and I’m just like, this is what they should do: perfectly satisfactory movies for adults with lots of good actors in them. I’m glad I watched this one, and I probably will not think of it again (except for Gillian Anderson’s truly bonkers performance – she was not in the same movie as everyone else, and god bless her for it).

    I also watched Banshees of Insherin last week, and I was theoretically behind the “Colin Farrell should win Best Actor this year” push because I think he’s due, but now that I’ve seen it I’m all in. The speech about niceness! I cried!

    1. Todays the day*

      Enjoyed The Recruit on Netflix. CIA action but not too many car chases and shooting scenes, more background plotting etc.

    2. Falling Diphthong*

      HBO Max:
      Season Three of His Dark Materials. Absolutely great series, the casting and storytelling are very true to the books (which my family loved) and one season per book is the right amount of space for the story to breath and unfold. Book one introduces us to Lyra, an orphan who lives at Oxford, in a world where your soul takes the form of a companion animal.

      Rewatching Pushing Daisies while kid is home from college. Such a wonderful series, about a pie maker who can bring the dead back to life after one minute. It’s a mystery, a romance, an ode to over the top aching sweetness (like it charges right through syrupy, which I don’t like, to create a fantastically intricate sugar landscape that I adore). Kristen Chenowith sings. There are bad ass retired synchronized swimmers. The narrator is Jim Dale, who did the Harry Potter series.

      Apple TV: For All Mankind, an alternate history in which the Soviets got to the moon first. Loved the first season; just started the second. I really like how they thought about how to incorporate characters who are not straight white men.

      Amazon: Leverage and Leverage Redemption are my comfort food; I’ll even grudgingly tolerate ads. I feel like the reboot is good but not great, but when a moment hits–such a delight. (e.g. Breanna is explaining to Harry how to move the arrow thing to the box on the screen, and he is gleefully explaining that he knows how to use a cursor, and she admits that his insistence on staying in character with the terrible Chechen accent is completely throwing her off.)

      1. Bibliovore*

        Thank you to whoever recommended Leverage reboot for a distraction the other weekend. it was perfect.

      2. Dark Macadamia*

        I forgot season 3 had come out! My husband and I watched the first two last year (he hadn’t read the books so was mostly humoring me) but we’ve moved on to other shows in the meantime. I might need to interrupt our watching for a few weeks for His Dark Materials :)

    3. fposte*

      I watched All The Queen’s Horses, a documentary about the town comptroller who stole $53 million over 20 years from a small Illinois town and funded a Quarter Horse empire with it. I was in state when the theft was discovered and remembered it, but that’s not necessary to enjoy or understand the doc. It’s also directed by an accountancy professor who does a fabulous job of breaking down how something like this happens and how frequently it does, if not to this degree.

    4. L. Ron Jeremy*

      I watched Ms. Sloane from 2016 last night and enjoyed it a lot. Synopsis is below:

      Willing to bend the rules for her clients, Elizabeth Sloane (Jessica Chastain) remains one of the most sought-after lobbyists in Washington, D.C. When asked to help oppose a bill that imposes regulations on firearms, she instead joins a scrappy boutique firm that represents the backers of the law. Her defiant stance and determination to win now makes her the target of powerful new enemies who threaten her career and the people she cares about.

    5. GoryDetails*

      I watched “The Glass Onion” and enjoyed it, though not as much as “Knives Out”.

      In the not-for-everyone-but-I-liked-it category, “The Menu”, a dark ritzy-dining/snark/escalating-mayhem tale.

      This one was a few weeks back, but fun in a B-movie way: “Troll,” about a literal kaiju-sized troll awakened from Nordic mountains by blasting and not very happy about it.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        I loved The Glass Onion, and am thrilled that Johnson and Craig seem determined to make this an ongoing series of odes to Agatha Christie.

        Knives Out is about a millionaire and so family-scaled, while Glass Onion is about a billionaire and so more society-scaled. While I prefer the first by a scosh, I expect future installments to tackle different set-ups and be fun in different ways–which is great on its own, that I don’t know what to expect beyond being delighted by something.

        I love the detail that Johnson was more picturing Mark Zuckerberg, but by fall ’22 A Different Tech Billionaire was seizing the “have you considered that he may not actually be a genius playing 17-dimensional chess” spotlight.

        1. Patty Mayonnaise*

          Ooh I think Knives Out is just as society scaled, just more metaphorically! Both films are very pointedly About Americans and I’m here for it.

    6. Eater of Cupcakes*

      That speech about niceness sounds good, could you maybe tell me if it comes in the first half of the movie or the second? (I need to know in case nature calls when I’m in the theater watching the movie, just so I don’t miss a good part!)

      1. Movies!*

        Ooh, I think it might be smack in the middle! It’s a bit of a turning point moment. (Also idk how much you know about it, but I personally would time my bathroom break for the second half when the finger chopping gets very explicit)

    7. Stitch*

      I was late to the party and just binged Andor. I can’t emphasize enough how great this show is. The performances from Stellan Skarsgard and Andy Serkis. The level of attention to detail. One of the most terrifyingly real villans Star Wars has ever had.

      Seriously even if you don’t like Star Wars, this one’s worth checking out.

      1. allathian*

        Oh yes, it was lovely. And the post-credits coda in the finale was brilliant, too.

        I’m currently waiting for the third season of The Mandalorian to hit Disney+.

        My husband and I just started watching the second season of The Wire (the docks). I enjoyed the first season, and I can see why it’s considered by some to be the best TV show ever made. I’m not sure I’d go that far, but it is good. While I’m more interested in cops than robbers, I love it that most of the main characters are Black, and one of the coolest characters is a Black lesbian cop.

        My husband and I are also watcing Vikings: Valhalla, set about 100 years after the original Vikings.

        We’re currently introducing our son to Star Trek TOS, DS9 and Voyager. We started with TNG because we didn’t want our son to give up on TOS too early. I’m enjoying my rewatch of all of them.

    8. cat socks*

      Just finished watching Midnight Mass on Netflix. It was okay. I liked Haunting of Bly Manor better, which I think is from the same creator.

      Started watching The Good Place, also on Netflix.

      The Movies That Made Us on Netflix is fun too. I like seeing the behind the scenes stuff about movies.

      My husband liked this old TV show from the 80s called Street Hawk. Reminds me a bit of Knight Rider on a motorcycle. It’s super cheesey so I just read while he watches an episode. There was even an episode with George Clooney!

      I’m also re-watching The X-Files and Star Trek TNG. Those are ones I put on in the background while doing other stuff.

    9. Angstrom*

      Just watched a 30s double feature: Baby Face with a very young Barbara Stanwyck, and Little Caesar with Edward G. Robinson.
      Stanwyck was great fun to watch — I think next up will be Ball of Fire and The Lady Eve.

      1. GoryDetails*

        Stanwyck is awesome! The Lady Eve is a delight. And don’t miss the deliciously noir Double Indemnity – Robinson’s in that one too, though in a supporting role.

      2. The Prettiest Curse*

        The Lady Eve is a lot of fun (and includes Henry Fonda doing a brilliant pratfall), though the sexual politics are hilariously outdated. Barbara Stanwyck is so great in that role – her attempt at an English accent is dodgy at best, though her character is supposed to be faking it, so it actually makes sense!

    10. Rara Avis*

      The New National Treasure series, just finished Willow, All Creatures Great and Small, and I had never seen The Jurassic Park series so lots of dinosaurs.

      1. GoryDetails*

        Re Jurassic Park: I adored the first movie, and rather liked Jurassic Park 3; not so keen on 2. Jurassic World is marvelous, but its sequel really put me off; the poor dinosaurs have terrible things happen to them! (Haven’t seen the most recent one yet.)

    11. RussianInTexas*

      Just finished Wednesday, extremely enjoyable. Warrior Nun, also enjoyable.
      Going through the 3rd season of His Dark Materials, Star Trek: Strange New Worlds.
      Glass Onion was a joy.

    12. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Still working my way through *Death in Paradise* and hit up an old *Rumpole of the Bailey* this weekend.

    13. carcinization*

      If we’re talking about “streaming” or whatever the kids call it… like, watching TV on/from a computer and not a TV (we actually hook our laptop up to our TV, that’s why I added the word “from”), we’re watching the newest seasons of InkMaster and RuPaul’s Drag Race All-Stars, and slowly getting caught up on Star Trek: Discovery. Also sometimes watching old episodes of Classic Concentration (late 80s/early 90s rebus game show with Trebek), but I’m not sure if that counts.

      1. carcinization*

        (Also, we saw “Glass Onion” in the theatre before Christmas, I agree that it wasn’t as good as “Knives Out,” but it was still quite enjoyable.)

    14. sewsandreads*

      I’m back in Downton Abbey land — but if anyone has any good period dramas I’m here for them!

    15. Angstrom*

      Stumbled across the old British TV show “UFO”. The series is generic sci-fi, but the look of it is delightful — the costumes are so very 60’s. If you’re a woman working at Moonbase Alpha your uniform includes a bright-purple wig to complement your silver catsuit and boots. A minute watching the opening credits is well spent. :-)

  28. Foreign Octopus*

    I know I’m pretty late to the party since the show ended before the pandemic but I’ve recently started watching Suits. I’m surprised by how much I’m enjoying it, though I’m pretty sure a lot of that comes from the interactions between Harvey (whose smile is just gorgeous!) and Mike, which I wasn’t really expecting since I knew nothing about the show going in except that it was about lawyers.

    Had anyone else watched it, and what do you think of it?

    1. Decidedly Me*

      I loved that show! I watched some of it while it was live, but didn’t get a chance to finish it then. I ended up binging the entire series a few years ago.

    2. L. Ron Jeremy*

      Looked it up and I can view all nine seasons, but the first episode description gives me pause – how does Mike join a law firm without a law degree? Does he fabricate one or know someone or does the Manhattan law firm not conduct due diligence?

    3. Filosofickle*

      I had fun with it for a couple of seasons — I like lightweight shows with quippy banter and smart people. Then I bailed, maybe in season 4? (Not saying why in case anyone is sensitive about spoilers)

    4. sagewhiz*

      Slightly OT but next try Boston Legal. Fabulous witty dialogue, quirky characters, and terrific legal scenes related to social justice.

      2. The New Wanderer*

        I just binged several seasons of Boston Legal before I had to quit. I did enjoy it at first, though a handful of scenes were pretty uncomfortable. However IMO it does not hold up well, lots of scenes for shock value and not a lot of sensitivity/respect for social issues.

        I much prefer James Spader in The Blacklist. I would love to give Suits a try (saw the first two eps) but I don’t have it for free on a streaming service.

    5. The Dude Abides*

      Watched the first couple seasons “live,” then got back into it during seasons 5-6 and watched the rest “live” to the end.

      On the whole, loved it. Mike and Robert were by far my favorite characters; the only nitpick I had was that they didnt do more to flesh out Katrina and Gretchen as characters.

  29. Stuff*

    Why is it that every restaurant in California, especially chains, has to CONSTANTLY blare incredibly loud music? It’s gotten so much worse this past decade. I’ve got a sensory processing disorder and get overwhelmed by loud noises and really just want to be able to go somewhere for a quiet, relaxing meal, and it’s become pretty much impossible. Ditto for retail shopping.

    1. YNWA*

      Honestly, it’s everywhere. I’m in a Midwestern city and it’s been like that for a decade or so. I don’t have a sensory processing disorder, but loud noises really wear on me and I’m running out of places to go after 4pm because most go full blast with the music.

      1. Blue wall*

        Yup. There’s one Starbucks location near me that would be perfect to study in except their music volume is at least double that of other stores— I have no idea how people have conversations. I ask the baristas to turn it down but they aren’t always helpful.

    2. KatEnigma*

      Because if it’s loud, you don’t hang around and they can cycle through tables faster. There have been several articles about this in the past couple years. It’s on purpose.

      1. Filosofickle*

        Absolutely true. Loud music, slightly uncomfortable seats, counter-height tables, no outlets — it’s not a bug, it’s a feature. All to keep you from staying longer.

        Worked on me last week. I was killing time waiting for my car service, and tried to read at a bakery/cafe with my purchased snack and coffee — my goal was 1 hour there (which is their stated limit anyway), then I’d move to another place. Lasted only 30 minutes because it was SO LOUD. But they only have like 4 tables, so I get it. (I mindfully watched the other tables to ensure there was always at least one open and i wasn’t hogging!)

        I also have sensory issues and rarely go out.

        1. KatEnigma*

          Noise cancelling earbuds FTW. If you don’t turn on the noise cancelling part, you can hear the waitstaff.

    3. just another queer reader*

      Yes, I hate loud restaurants and shops! I also really don’t like when restaurants have TVs everywhere: I came to eat and socialize, not get distracted by the TV!

      I don’t know if you’re looking for ideas so please disregard if so. But. Eating takeout at home or at a park can be really nice! Patios are sometimes quieter too.

      Also my partner just got some Fancy Earplugs that supposedly aren’t very noticeable and help lower the general volume of everything. Another friend buys beige earplugs so they are the same color as their ears.

      1. Ellis Bell*

        We do car picnics sometimes if the weather is bad. The multi storey has a great view over the city and we go raid a nice deli, or somewhere else were people smile and don’t treat us as an inconvenience. I refuse to spend money anywhere where they tell you when you’re leaving before you’ve even got your coat off, or they’re trying to put you on a terrible table that’s too low to eat off because “there’s only two of you”.

    4. RussianInTexas*

      It’s not just music, it’s also all hard surfaces, high ceilings, open kitchens, etc. Constant background noise.
      It’s like they don’t want people to have conversations and linger.

    5. Eater of Cupcakes*

      True story: Once, at a lunch restaurant, I was super uncomfortable with the techno music playing, so I told my waitress that I’d pay her as much money as my meal cost if she put on some Beatles music instead.
      “We can do that,” she said. I went back to my seat, and after a while the techno ended and was replaced with “Here Comes the Sun”. I went up to the waitress, said “God bless you!” and gave her slightly more than a meal cost. (I couldn’t find exact change, and she was worth it.)

      And while I know it seems presumptuous for me to decide what everyone should listen to, lemme remind you that none of the customers had asked for the techno in the first place and it doesn’t exactly contribute to a calm, relaxing lunch even if you like it. :)

    6. the cat's ass*

      I SO feel this! I wear hearing aids which are great for everything but ambient noise. And loud Muzak combined with the plexiglass screens make it almost impossible to hear. Take out is pretty hard. And live music? I’ll listen to it but then can’t really have/follow a conversation. We’re doing a lot of takeout and going to the very rare cafe that doesn’t have live/canned music of a giant TV blaring over the bar. Lunchtimes seem to be quieter overall.

    7. L. Ron Jeremy*

      The local Togos had loud rap music blaring last time I went in. It really hurts my hearing because of my loud tinnitus. I won’t be going back.

      Life is getting louder every day and you can’t avoid it.

    8. Warrior Princess Xena*

      For 3 out of the last 4 wedding receptions I’ve been at, people start socializing and having a lovely time – and then someone turns on the music and it immediately becomes too loud to hear oneself think.

      Drives me totally crazy. I do not understand how this has become something people enjoy. Nice quiet background music to keep lulls from being uncomfortable is one thing but I end up leaving early with a splitting headache. And these were in all other aspects the most laid-back receptions around! Quiet, good but not ridiculous food, no heavy drinking, and all three of them were in church reception halls.

      1. Snoozing not schmoozing*

        That happened at my class reunion! One of the occasions when people really wanted to talk, but couldn’t.

      2. Sadie*

        At least at a wedding there is an expectation of dancing so some loud music kind of makes sense, unlike at a restaurant or pub with no dance floor. But I agree, it doesn’t have to be THAT loud and there should still be areas where people who aren’t dancing can have a chat and be able to hear each other without strain.

    9. time for cocoa*

      In my area, the good places for quiet background music are family-owned Italian restaurants. They always have soft Sinatra/Martin/Bennett playing.

    10. Lemonwhirl*

      I’m not in California, but I’ve been wondering whether the world got louder after the lockdowns or if my noise tolerance reset itself. I find most restaurants and stores now to be completely unbearable.

      I have a couple of different pairs of Loop earplugs that I keep in my handbag so I can mitigate the noise.

    11. OyHiOh*

      Western US, but not west coast. There’s a lovely little breakdown/lunch place downtown that is utterly charming – in a pre WWII building with most architectural details intact and wide enough sidewalk to host a street side patio. One of my favorite places.

      Last spring, in an effort to attract a younger demographic, according to the owner, they suddenly started playing a techno/electronica playlist, far too loudly. It was completely at odds with the character of the cafe. Numerous regulars of all age groups complained, regularly. Finally, at the beginning of January, they switched back to the 40s thru 60s playlist they’d been playing for years, and turned the volume back down. The cafe is still packed. It attracts families, college kids, the work lunch crowd, and retirees. I get that they wanted to change things up, and I get that they needed to discourage lingering (it’s common to wait an hour for a table during peak times) but honestly, the little signs on the tables asking people to be considerate of those waiting does more good. It’s that kind of place, and that kind of community.

    12. Samwise*

      I used to feel like this. Then I got my hearing checked, got awesomely excellent hearing aids (pricey, worth it), which resolved most of my tinnitus and made loud background sounds the right volume. Occasionally I’ll leave the hearing aids off and I notice it every time.

      Not to say that public places aren’t cranking the volume, some do for sure. But overall I find that I no longer have trouble with too loud/too quiet/too muddled background or ambient sounds.

      Like I said, expensive. I got phonak hearing aids, the audiologist had some on discount. They are truly excellent quality. Not everyone can afford this—I decided to splurge and am very glad I did.

  30. Expiring Cat Memes*

    Shout out to GingerSheep for their cake salé recipe on last week’s open thread – such an easy and delicious recipe! I made one this week and it came out perfect on my first attempt. I did make a slight variation, adding 3 teaspoons of raw sugar to the base dough to get that faint hint of sweetness I was looking for and it was just right. For toppings I added what I had on hand: pumpkin, capsicum and red onion (chopped small and lightly pre-roasted to dry out and caramelise), toasted pine nuts, fennel seeds and lemon thyme. Was as delicious fresh out of the oven as it was out of the toaster for the next few days. I was keen to see how well it froze and reheated, but alas it disappeared too quickly! Very excited to experiment with other toppings :-D

      1. Expiring Cat Memes*

        Not yet, but I intend to try it out this week as I’m catching up with a friend who is GF. I’ll report back next week and let you know how it goes in comparison to regular flour!

    2. GingerSheep*

      Hi and thanks! So happy it was what you were looking for! I love pine nuts, so your version sounds really nice. In my experience, it freezes and reheats very well (I cut it in slices before freezing so I can take out just a slice or two, pop them for a minute or so in the microwave to unfrost then reheat in the toaster). If anyone tries the gluten-free version, let me know how it turns out!

      1. Cake salé anyone?*

        Yes, thank you! I was the OP on that query last week. Happy to say that I made it using a 1:1 GF flour blend, with feta and parsley. It was delicious, but I would have liked it to be a bit taller. How long is your cake salé pan?

  31. Bobina*

    This might sound a bit work-y but I’m honestly more interested in the discussion aspect of it.

    I’m in the UK and have a passing interest in rugby – a fully professional sport for many years now. But apparently not enough for the governing body to have gotten a handle on finances as 2 clubs went into administration (aka bankrupt) last year. I was reading an article on some of the fallout which talked about how players hadnt been paid for several months which got me thinking – I wouldnt keep working for an employer who hadnt paid me for more than 1 month (maybe 2 at a stretch). So what would stop these players from leaving?

    – Are their contracts structured in such a way that they cant leave even if they havent been paid?
    – Is it the publicity aspect of it (eg if they announced they didnt want to play a game because of not being paid it would create a media circus)?
    – Is it the complicated nature of professional sports and “trading windows” where because other clubs wouldnt be able to sign them, they dont have other options?
    – Other?

    I’m assuming technically the same could apply to any other professional sports league, so if anyone has any thoughts, is secretly a sports agent (or ex professional athlete!) and wants to share or has otherwise delved into the topic – I’m curious to know what you think!

    1. Irish Teacher*

      I wonder if love of the sport might play a part. In Ireland, our main sports (hurling and Gaelic football) are all amateur and still attract really good players. There was even a story some years back about a man who had to emigrate to the UK for work and still flew home to Ireland every weekend to train with his club and played in the All-Ireland for his county that summer.

      Now I know this is not the same as playing for a professional club and not being paid as GAA players have full time jobs besides and I assume the structure is set up to work around people’s employment, but…I think it does show just how much dedicated sportspeople are willing to do for their team.

      GAA players play for the love of the game and probably also for the glory of being one of the most famous sportspeople in the country, so I could imagine a professional sportsperson who isn’t being paid sticking with it for the same reasons.

      Obviously, I’m no expert here (I don’t even follow sports) but that is my initial thought.

      1. Bobina*

        Ooh thats an interesting point. Love of the game is an interesting one, although like you say – theres a bit of a difference between an amateur league vs one that is professional. I think this is my normal person brain approach thinking: surely if you’re a professional player, like any other profession you are exchanging your labour for money, so if the money stops – the labour stops? But that is probably not how a professional sports person thinks!

        But its taken me down an interesting tangent which is, even though they are professional, they probably grow up with the goal of playing rugby and signing for a club – and probably may not even know or think that you have other options. Though rugby is one of those sports that does try to encourage players to have a life beyond the sport – I think for many of them they probably dont even think about things like salary/contracts/moving unless its time to renegotiate a contract. So the idea that you have the option to leave if things dont “seem” right is probably very foreign (and to be fair, probably quite uncommon).

        Now I’m actually also curious about what the pay schedule is for a player and if some of it might be things like “literally not noticing you havent been paid” because you either have so much money or have other people handle your money that it doesnt affect you for quite some time…

    2. Ellis Bell*

      I think this is probably the top reason why you shouldn’t “do what you love”. If you have such a passion for something that you’ll do it for free, you probably will end up doing so. It’s easy for stuff like this to become the culture of an industry, especially if it was originally unpaid! That will attract people who can either afford to not get paid, or who have patience and continual hope-itis that payment is just around the corner.

      1. Bobina*

        Lol. Hope-itis is a great phrase! But yes, I suspect from what I’ve read, some of these clubs were behaving in a typical startup type way of saying “the money is coming! its definitely coming!” and so its probably easier to just stick to your routine and keep doing what you’re doing than rock the boat.

        Hm. Plus, team culture and all that. If you complained you hadnt gotten paid, would that make you not a team player? Its probably like “we’re a family here!” but amped up even more.

        1. 1LFTW*

          Yup. “The money is coming, we promise! And when it gets here you’ll be rich. Besides, you’re doing your dream job, right? How many people get to say they’re a pro athlete? There are hundreds of people who would take this job in an instant if you left! But you wouldn’t leave, because then you’d be A Quitter who left your teammates in the lurch…”

    3. Person from the Resume*

      I think it bring a professional sports aspect plays a huge role. You’re part of a team pulling together to to win. Don’t ditch your teammates. They aren’t the problem and the fans aren’t the problem.

      I know nothing about rugby contracts, but in US sports the players can’t just move around wherever they want. They are drafted to a team and signed to contracts with that team. When players move clubs there’s often financial exchange agreements between the teams too.

    4. The Dude Abides*

      Part of the issue as a player with switching clubs is that depending on your nationality, switching to an overseas club might mean you are no longer eligible for international/test selection due to a combination of a country’s selection criteria and whether the foreign club will allow the player to be released for international duty.

      In terms of club finances, I think part of the issue is that the affected clubs were compelled to spend money they didn’t have to try to stay in the top flight, and they weren’t getting enough fans through the gates nor were the TV deals lucrative enough. For the latter, I would lay part of the blame on how boring the game is to watch compared to other competitions and leagues.

  32. Siobahn*

    Lime and orange wedges are so good in plain or sparkling water! Sometimes I add the rinds, which add intensity.

  34. Elle Woods*

    What would you consider a reasonable length of time for a dentist to be booked out?

    I was supposed to go in for a routine cleaning in late October but got COVID three days before my appointment, so I had to reschedule. The earliest available appointment was early February. Yesterday, the dentist’s office called me and said one of their hygienists quit, so they had to reschedule patients with appointments assigned to them. The earliest availability? Mid-October 2023. I booked the appointment and was added to their cancellation list, so it’s possible I’ll get in before then. (The practice has one dentist and three or four hygienists.)

    1. fposte*

      Unless that’s just how it is in your area, that would be too far for me. For me it’s not whether it’s reasonable, it’s just whether it’s worth it or I could get acceptable care elsewhere sooner. I would call around to recommended dentists in town at this point to see when you could get in as a new patient; if they all say end of 2023, I’d stay with the current dentist, but if they say in the next couple of months and they have a good reputation, I’d move.

    2. nm*

      In my area of the US this is just how it is. From the gossip I hear while they’re cleaning my teeth it sounds like finding good hygienists is hard (no idea if this is due to lack of applicants, bad workplace, or what…)

      1. Blue wall*

        My mom is a hygienist and left with Covid; has no plans to return. The person who replaced her is only in two days a week.

    3. L. Ron Jeremy*

      Most all doctors, including dentists and dermatologists, are booked. I’m looking forward to my dermatologist appointment on February 6th, which I scheduled in early November; I hope its not serious.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        Dermatologists have been that way for a whole. I had to see a dermatologist for the first time in fall of ’19, for possible skin cancer, and was astonished that everyone had a few months’ wait time.

    4. Melissa*

      My dental office is similar for routine cleanings. Their hygienist is not full time, and she books months and months out. To see the actual dentist, though, is much quicker. If you had a broken tooth or other emergency, they’d see you same-day; for a treatment that is not that urgent, it could be a week. And actually, last time I needed my teeth cleaned, the dentist did it herself! Amazing that that could be cost effective for the office, you know?

    5. MissCoco*

      I would probably be calling around to see what availability is at other practices in your area, because personally I actually need a cleaning every 6 months, and I wouldn’t want to wait over a year between appointments.
      If everyone in your area is booking that far out, you’ll at least know for sure that this is how it is, and if you can find a practice with more availability, then you’ll have the option to switch.

    6. Falling Diphthong*

      3-ish months I would view as normal (with some open times for fast-response emergencies, like a broken filling). Though I’m a bit surprised that they don’t plan to hire a temp to fill in until they can get someone permanent–I thought a lot of hygienists moved around to different practices.

      Almost one year seems extreme.

    7. Girasol*

      Same here. I used to call and get an appointment in 4 weeks or so and now they’re out 6 months. That’s not reasonable but that’s just the way it is. I’m guessing that hygienists quit or got laid off over covid and have moved on to other work, so hygienists are in short supply.

    8. Person from the Resume*

      I think that’s unreasonable. For the dentist no more than 2 months is reasonable.

      OTOH my dentist books my next appointment 6 months while I’m in the chair so I haven’t run into that issue.

      There are so many dental offices, I’d call around. I would not delay my appointment originally scheduled in October 22 until October 23.

      I get it. I missed my annual check up with my doctor in July due to COVID and I rescheduled for the earliest appointment in November. But I have more trouble with the doctor than dentist.

      1. Overeducated*

        Haha, my dentist books the next appointment when you’re leaving, and I still have that issue! They had to book me 8 months out instead of 6. That was after my previous appointment was delayed two months because a hygienist quit.

      2. Person from the Resume*

        I do go to a place that has two dentists and multiple, at least 3-4 hygienist. And at least one of them mentioned to me she was only at that office one or two days a week.

    9. RuralAmerica*

      Rural America here. Cleanings are booked 1 year out at every dentist in the area. Can usually get you in within a week or so if you have an emergency. Root canals are 3-4 months out and you have to drive 2 hours away to get that. The declining availability of any health services in rural areas is scary. I’m 4 hours drive from a 5 major cities, so I suppose if I needed to, I could drive, but local requires patience.

    10. The butler did it*

      It’s really rough nowadays. Last summer I had a lot of pain and my dentist said I’d need a root canal. Fine, ok. Went to the front desk to schedule it and it was going to be 2+ months. This was a level of pain where I couldn’t chew and had to constantly take pain killers to somewhat function, and sleep was minimal. The receptionist showed no sympathy, just said that was the way it is now. The idea of having to wait months made me cry in my car. Luckily, I found an endodontist who got me in right away.

    11. KR*

      I try to get in front of a dentist/hygienist every six months so that would be booked too far for me. I would be calling around to different dentists in your shoes and seeing about switching. A lot of tooth decay can happen in a year & cavities left untreated can grow in that time. I always book my next appointment at the end of my last appointment, so roughly 6 months in advance. But I have a toothache and called last week – they were able to offer two separate appointments this week to have the dentist look at the tooth. A prior dentist I went to was able to fit me in same week when I broke a couple of teeth in a freak accident. I’d worry with your dentist that if you have an actual issue and it’s not just you needing a cleaning that they won’t be able to help you.

      1. Roland*

        Cleaning is probably a different schedule than emergency or semi-emergency appointments. That probably would not have a waitlist until october (though can’t hurt to ask).

  35. Which kind of doc?*

    I need a new primary care doc. Recommendations on whether to look for “family practitioner” vs “internal medicine”? I am 58yo. No known major health issues, but family history of heart/cancer/diabetes.

    Need them to help prioritize (and address if needed) various minor things. I believe my insurance doesn’t require referrals for specialists, so I could do some of it myself – podiatrist for toenail issue etc.

    Previous amazing! primary doc was an osteopath, but he’s moved quite far and would be months to get in. (I haven’t gone in 5+ years so would be ‘new patient’, plus he’s only there 1 day/wk now.)

    1. ThatGirl*

      It’s really more a matter of philosophy in my understanding. Internal medicine takes a more sciencey approach to preventing and treating chronic disease, vs a family practitioner who may have a pediatric speciality for instance. But it really depends on the individual doc. Any good doc should be able to address your major concerns and help you prioritize them if that’s what you need.

      1. Dr. Anonymous*

        Family Medicine as a specialty in general does also emphasize what’s called “evidence-based medicine”. During residency, internal medicine doctors may have a little more hospital-based emphasis in their training and they only see adults, while family medicine doctors see patients from cradle to grave and in residency they also deliver babies, though not as many continue this in practice. I agree there’s more variance from provider to provider and the particular specialty training won’t give you much of a guide.

    2. SofiaDeo*

      I like “family practice” compared to “general medicine” because the former tend to be more “hands on”, while the latter send you to a specialist. Osteopaths tend to be more “hand on/whole body approach” versus MDs, their training is different.

      If you have the money and are near a group, the boutique practice company MDVIP is great. I am a member, no financial interest. We pay a premium so the docs limit their practice, enabling one to be seen urgently, often the same day. You won’t lose time waiting hours upon hours waiting for the doc because they are “running late”, it’s rare for me to be seen even 15 min later than my appointment time. They do take major insurances, it just, they only see patients who also belong to MDVIP. If you are vacationing and get sick, you can be seen by the nearest one. MDVIP dot com has more information.

      I am immune compromised, so I especially do not want to sit for hours in an Urgent Care center when acutely ill, or in a crowded waiting room with others. Mine is still masking/being mindful of respiratory illness this winter. And the fees include an intensive yearly set of tests, everything from having you fill out a body Mole Map to checking hearing, bone mass, gait, eyesight, and intense cardiovascular workup sent to the Cleveland Heart Lab. There are other companies besides MDVIP, it’s just the one I found/use.

    3. RagingADHD*

      We go to a family practice so that my spouse, kids & I all have the same doctor. Otherwise, I have had DOs, MD, internal med, and family med as my PCP and I never found that the designation made much difference in the way they practiced. It was just a matter of individual personality and mindset.

      I get referrals by word of mouth from people I know. Most of the time, that leads me to a doctor I am simpatico with. The only time it didn’t, I hadn’t considered the source, and wound up with a doc who was great for my friend’s issues but clueless about my (opposite) issues.

  36. cabbage patch*

    Anyone have any good recipes for cabbage? I’ve got coleslaw, and fried cabbage. Anything else? I don’t mind meat, but vegetables have to figure prominently. Like, 50-100g (1/8-1/4 lb) of meat for two people, for a dinner.

    1. GoryDetails*

      I love cabbage! Simple sauteed cabbage with some butter and salt can be lovely – and you can add spices and proteins as you like.

      You might try the Budget Bytes site, searching for cabbage recipes – lots of them there, from Japanese-style cabbage pancakes to curried cabbage, cabbage-with-noodles or sheet-pan roasted cabbage and sausage.

      1. Clara Bowe*

        +1 for BudgetBytes. I regularly make the cold peanut noodle salad and the winter slaw. Also, cabbage is an easy add to any green salad.

    2. MissCoco*

      We do an alternative of coleslaw that’s just a lime and mayo dressing, I usually put a little white balsamic and lemon pepper as well, and serve it with some pickled onions.

    3. Not A Manager*

      Cabbage rolls stuffed with rice and a little meat, baked in tomato sauce. If you don’t feel like making rolls, you can layer the ingredients instead to make a casserole.

      Cabbage soup. Lots of veggies, and add your little bit of meat for flavor.

      If you’re sautéing cabbage in butter, try adding some sliced apples, caraway, and a little bit of apple cider vinegar.

    4. Falling Diphthong*

      A recent cabbage salad discovery. This makes 4 servings.

      Crunchy Mango and Avocado Salad

      Optional Chicken:
      1-2 chicken breasts
      poaching flavoring (tea, cardamom, star anise)

      Dressing:
      2 T tahini
      2 T lemon juice
      1-2 T oil (olive, avocado)
      1-2 T soy sauce
      2 tsp minced ginger
      1 tsp honey
      ½ tsp garlic powder

      Salad:
      6 cups thinly sliced Savoy cabbage
      3 cups thinly sliced radicchio
      ½ cup cilantro
      ¼ cup mint
      2 scallions
      1 mango
      1 avocado
      1 lime
      ½ cup cashews

      If using chicken, poach chicken breasts and allow to cool, shred by hand.

      Mix ingredients for dressing—a mug and immersion blender work well.

      Set aside some herbs to sprinkle on top.

      Combine salad greens and sprinkle with salt and pepper. Add mango, and chicken. Toss with dressing and spread on platter.

      Dice avocado and toss with lime juice. Sprinkle avocado, cashews, and herbs over salad.

    5. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I like to cut a Savoy cabbage into quarters and roast it (grilled would be even better), then top with a miso butter.

      You can also saute cabbage with onions and add crushed tomatoes and balsamic, top with parmesan. Add pasta if you want but it’s good on its own.

      Cabbage is easy to stir-fry too.

    6. Girasol*

      I love lots of it in homemade soup. Also, have you tried making red velvet cole slaw? Use whatever dressing you prefer on shredded red cabbage with some shredded carrot and shredded beet. Looks great and it’s a great way to eat colorful veggies.

    7. Warrior Princess Xena*

      Borsch, if you don’t mind beets. It’s beet and cabbage and there are about 10 zillion old grandmas’ recipes around. We frequently do it fully vegan.

    8. Missb*

      Budget bytes has a cabbage and beef stir fry that is easy- it is like a egg roll in a bowl. I use ground Turkey instead of beef.

      Also you can use a vegetable peel to make thinly sliced cabbage. Not as quick as cutting with a knife but it’s a nicer texture.

      She also has a cold peanut salad that uses cabbage.

    9. Todays the day*

      Sautéing in butter is good but try a couple tablespoons of bacon grease instead with some sliced onions. Yummy. Sometimes I throw in some bacon slices too.

    11. KatEnigma*

      Halushki. My mom’s recipe calls for

      1 head cabbage (red makes the color a little off, but slightly sweeter, so.. you pick. I like it with either)
      1 large onion
      1 box bowtie pasta
      1 rope of smoked sausage/kielbasa*
      1 stick of butter (at least- to taste)
      salt and poppy seeds to taste

      I use an electric skillet, but you’ll need some large skillet or dutch oven. Cook pasta to directions on package. Sautee onions down in butter. Cut sausage into 1 inch pieces and rough chop the cabbage. And to pan and salt liberally. Cook on medium-high until cabbage cooks down. Add cooked pasta, and sprinkle with poppy seeds. If you like your pasta to have pieces with a little brown on them, continue cooking, or serve immediately. The leftovers the next day are even better.

      *traditional recipes will call for bacon or both bacon and kielbasa. It’s peasant food- you decide. I like it with kielbasa. Can also be made with egg noodles. It’s an Eastern European dish that spread and changed from region to region.

      My mom also makes stuffed cabbage, but I like the halushki better.

      1. cat in cardboard box*

        I also grew up with haluski and stuffed cabbage… always interesting to see the variations as I don’t recall haluski involving meat or poppyseeds, but it definitely involved a lot of black pepper. Haven’t made it in a while but I definitely don’t put black pepper in mine

        1. ronda*

          that’s definitely not my families halushki recipe. ours is mashed potatoes, with bacon, homemade spatzel dumplings and sauerkraut mixed in. (except the person who ask for this for her birthday and a quorum of family members prefer no sauerkraut.)

    12. FashionablyEvil*

      Braised. Thinly slice an onion and cook it in some olive oil with a pinch of salt until soft and translucent. Add a couple cloves of minced garlic and cook for another minute. Add lots of shredded red cabbage, sprinkle generously with salt and let it start cooking down (covering it will make it go faster). When the cabbage has cooked down as much as you like, pour a generous amount (maybe 1/2 c) of (cheap) balsamic into the pan, turn it down to medium low and it get all tender and a bit jammy.

      You can toss in some capers at the end for some extra zing or top with goat cheese.

      I also make a lot of what I call green cole slaw:
      Thinly sliced green cabbage
      Bunch of cilantro, chopped
      Bunch of scallions, thinly sliced
      Jalapeño or other hot pepper, minced (remove ribs and seeds if you want it milder
      Toss together
      Dress with juice of 2-3 limes, a small pinch of salt, and just a touch of olive oil (about a teaspoon.)

    13. Bluebell*

      Serious Eats has a fantastic recipe for tofu and cabbage With peas that I highly recommend However it doesn’t seem to be on their website. If you search dry fried tofu with cabbage you can get a similar recipe. I also love roasted cabbage, finished with a bit of balsamic.

    14. cat in cardboard box*

      I like “Garbage Stir-Fry With Curried Cabbage” from Nom Nom Paleo. I haven’t made it in a while, but I do recall that my version had a much lower meat to cabbage ratio and it was great. Lately I’ve been making sausage and cabbage more often – similar to the haluski recipe KatEnigma shared but without the pasta or poppyseeds.

    15. carcinization*

      The Budget Bytes website has some great recipes for cabbage. I make the savory cabbage pancakes (kind of an okonomiyaki but with easier-to-find ingredients) quite often and love them even though I’m honestly not a big cabbage fan. Same with the Baked Chimichurri Fish Bowls, which call for 4 oz fish per person I believe. She has other cabbage recipes as well, those are just the 2 I think of right away!

    16. Mac (I Wish All The Floors Were Lava)*

      This cabbage scramble is my go-to when I’m so hungry I can’t bear the thought of cooking but want something that will make me feel better than a bag of chips: on medium-high heat toss some roughly chopped cabbage in coconut oil with a pinch of salt just until it’s hot/seared but not floppy. Throw in as much avocado as you like (for me, it’s the whole avocado), crack an egg or 2 over that and stir til the egg coats everything and sets. I like it relatively unseasoned so I can taste the subtle sweetness and peppery-ness of the cabbage, but it would take a splash of hot sauce or a squeeze of citrus or a sprinkle of za’atar nicely.

    17. I take tea*

      Kapustnyje bliny, cabbage patties. This is an old Russian family recepie from a newspaper cook book, that we really like. It’s a little fiddly, but tastes good.

      Green cabbage, it says “1/4 head” , which doesn’t help much… I usually go by eye.
      1 egg (or if vegan, something else to keep it stuck together)
      2-3 tablespoons crust crumbs
      1 tbsp flour (Not self rising!)
      2-3 tbsp water
      Salt
      White pepper (works fine with black too)
      (1 carrot if you want it sweeter)

      Grate the cabbage and mix it with the rest. Make small patties and fry in oil or butter on both sides. They break easily, preferably use a non-stick pan and a thin spatula.

    18. OyHiOh*

      Ethiopian cabbage is so good! There are variations with potatoes too, but I like the basic cabbage recipe.

    19. MeepMeep123*

      Cabbage pirozhki are a traditional Russian food, and pretty easy to make if you don’t mind baking.

    20. E*

      Kimchi! So good on everything. It takes a little while but then you get several jars that last a while (depending on how quickly you consume but they keep for a long time).

      Also Okonomiyaki, Japanese pancakes — much faster and more substantial. I like Feed Me Phoebe’s recipe.

      And this Indian cabbage curry. Holy Cow vegan’s is good

      1. PhyllisB*

        My dad was a butcher and he used to make barrels of sauerkraut for his customers. (At the time we lived in a town with a large German population.) This (him making sauerkraut) was an oddity for two reasons: one, we’re in the Deep South, so most people had not even heard of sauerkraut in those days so have no idea where he learned to make it. And second: he was an extremely picky eater and wouldn’t have touched it on a bet.
        I never was exposed to sauerkraut until my mother remarried when I was 14 and my stepfather, who was German-Irish asked her to cook it. That’s when she told me about my dad making it. Took me a while to learn to appreciate it.

    22. Laura Petrie*

      I love okonomiyaki too. I’ve made it with green or Savoy cabbage if I don’t have Chinese leaf style cabbage.

      BBC Good Food has a lovely recipe for “Italian style roast cabbage with tomato lentils”.

      I like to sauté cabbage with other greens and fennel seeds, lemon juice or preserved lemon, garlic and Aleppo pepper flakes.

      Colcannon mashed potatoes?

  37. Girasol*

    How do you all find a good handyman? Around here every Tom Dick and Harry who’s low on gas money claims to be a handyman. I don’t want someone whose poor skills cause more damage than they solve and I certainly don’t want to invite a burglar to case the place. There are plenty of great handymen out there, I’m sure, but I don’t know how to tell them apart. What do you do?

    1. time for cocoa*

      I get tradesman recommendations at my local Ace Hardware. The ones in my area are locally-owned franchises, unlike the big-box home improvement stores. They work with small and medium contractors and thus know who uses high-quality materials, who pays their bills promptly, and so on.

      They have directed me to a good plumber, electrician, HVAC company, roofer, painter, and woodworker.

      1. ThatGirl*

        In my area there’s an Ace Handyman service, and they’re employees, not subcontractors. I like that and have used them twice so far, with plans to book more things this year.

      1. KatEnigma*

        If you have a RELIABLE and competent realtor. The realtor where we sold our house was useless (and one of her recommendations for cleaner DID try to rob us!!!) Where we bought, our realtor has been an excellent resource. But you have to know which you have.

    3. Madame Arcati*

      Personal recommendation; if you don’t know a lot of people in your area a local Facebook group is useful for this.

  38. marvin*

    Does anyone have recommendations for a hard-to-kill indoor plant that is okay with living in a north-facing apartment? Bonus if it’s something drapey that would look good on a plant stand.

    1. GoryDetails*

      The fallback answer would be “pothos”; I’ve had a plant in my north-ish facing bathroom for ages, dim light and seldom watering, and the thing thrives. {wry grin}

      1. KatEnigma*

        Spider plant. My mother’s has thrived in an unheated north facing “sun room” in NE Ohio for 50 years…

        1. I heart Paul Buchman*

          I just googled spider plant because I hadn’t heard of it and in my country it’s called ‘hens and chicks’. Lol. Some trivia for the weekend

          1. KatEnigma*

            Interesting, because in the US, hens and chicks are something completely different- a succulent.

    2. Lexi Vipond*

      There was a thread on hard-to-kill plants in the post earlier in the week about getting used to cube live.

    3. Data/Lore*

      My mother, who can kill just about any house plant, has two plants she has managed to keep alive: snake plant/mother in law’s tongue and spider plant. Pothos tends to be fairly hardy as well, just not with her lol. All three tolerate varying light levels and won’t die if they get neglected on occasion.

      1. Fly Away*

        I’m going to second the snake plant/mother in law’s tongue suggestion. I had a huge collection of various tropical/house plants for a few years in high school. (Friends and family referred to my bedroom as a “rainforest,” lol.) After a spider mite infestation and then a gnat infestation that wiped out all my plants except my snake plants, I ended up rinsing all the dirt off the roots and sticking them in glass cups of water so I wouldn’t have to worry about pests. They’re still thriving over a decade later even though other plants I’ve gotten since then have all died eventually.

    4. BlueWolf*

      I have a heart leaf philodendron that I have been growing in a north-facing/low light situation for a number of years now and it’s still going. Would definitely fit the drapey criteria also, although I have mine “climbing” up a wall with a combination of a stake and wall hooks.

    5. Can't Sit Still*

      My snake plants have adapted well to north facing windows, in that they are healthy, but they stopped finally stopped growing. My cast iron plant doing well is in a corner nook on a plantstand in a 12″ willow ware type pot. It’s not very drapey, but it is large & dramatic.

      My ponytail palm, aloe plant, and calathea didn’t make it and my money tree is struggling with the northern exposure. I’m hoping the new grow light helps it recover.

    6. CTT*

      I’ve kept a pothos going for almost 7 years! And it’s had north-facing windows for most of that.

    7. Liminality*

      I’m doing pretty good with a Begonia in my north facing window. Been keeping it pretty moist and it has been blooming consistently since August ‘22. Pretty flowers, non-stop!

    8. Trixie Belle*

      I have had good luck with prayer plants (Maranta leuconeura and Ctenanthe burle-marxii)… I think they’re beautiful and interesting. They’re called “prayer plants” because the leaves turn up at night, which someone decided looked like praying hands… They don’t look like praying hands to me but it’s cool to have a plant that moves. They’ve done pretty good in my north-facing windows. My problem with plants tends to be me watering them erratically – sometimes a bit too much and sometimes a bit too little – but these guys seem to do pretty well under my care; I have a couple that are 10 years old at least. They don’t mind the soil being a little damp at times.

  39. Teapot Translator*

    Does anyone have tips to ease pain when writing by hand? I’ll get a proper diagnosis one day (right now, I’m dealing with too much stuff). In the meantime I’ll take advice. Thanks.
    My googling just leads me to specific problems and advice on when to consult an HCP.

    1. Not So Little My*

      Try different ways of holding your pen (I’m sure there’s good YouTube videos out there, look for ones by occupational therapists), and experiment with adding chunky grips to your pens.

    2. RagingADHD*

      Make sure your elbow is supported. Check your grip to make sure you are not creating unnecessary tension. You may find it helpful or more comfortable to wear a compression mitt or stretchy wrist brace that gives the middle of your hand and wrist a little support.

      1. Teapot Translator*

        I do know that I grip my pens too tightly, but the pain was really bad this week. I will try to find one of those at the pharmacy, thanks!

      1. Teapot Translator*

        It used to be pain in the fingers (from gripping the pen too tightly I think), but last time it was the pain was more in the “center” of the hand? I’m not sure how to name that part of the hand. Thanks for the advice!

      1. Teapot Translator*

        I bought one of those pens today! The store I went to recommended it and I was tickled because of the Jorts the Cat tweet about them. I’ll look for videos, thank you!

    5. Manders*

      I don’t know if this will apply, but I have carpal tunnel (pretty early stage) and one thing that really helps is wearing a night brace on my wrist. I try to hold my wrist in a neutral position when I’m using it during the day, but the night brace is awesome for preventing additional pain. I got one at Target for about $35.

      1. Teapot Translator*

        I do have carpal tunnel and I have night braces. They help because when I don’t wear them, I end up in pain during the day. So, with the braces, most activities are fine (writing at a computer, holding heavy things with one hand), but not handwriting. :/ Maybe the problem has advanced? I’ll see with the HCP once I have the time and energy to seek proper treatment.
        Thanks!

    6. Happily Retired*

      Many eons ago, I learned something called “Speedwriting” – not full-on shorthand, but an abbreviated version of full words. I learned to hold my pen or pencil between my index and middle finger, instead of between my index finger and thumb. The pen rests in the groove (??) between the fingers, and the point is controlled (softly!) by the thumb and two fingers.

      Doing this reduces the stranglehold that thumb- and fingertips seem to use with the standard thumb-index-middle finger hold.

    7. Mac (I Wish All The Floors Were Lava)*

      I recently learned some “nerve glides” in PT that seem to help me. One is basically moving your arm smoothly back and forth between 2 positions. Position 1, you hold you hand out palm up, about waist/hip height, like you’re about to do the “down low, too slow!” schoolyard prank. Keeping the palm pointing up, rotate fingertips in toward your body and just let your hand follow in a slicing/sweeping motion until you are in position 2, which is like you are expecting a low hand slap behind your body at about hip height. Basically imagine you are receiving a plate on your outstretched palm in front of you and then balancing it while you swivel your hand close to your body to pass it to someone behind you.

      The other one I like is you tuck your elbows in to your sides and poke your forearms straight out so you look completely goofy. Your fingers should be poking out straight. Curl all your fingers halfway like the letter E in ASL, then poke them out straight again. Then bend your fingers over flat to make a right angle, and poke them out straight again. Finally, curl them into a full fist, and poke them out straight again. Go through this 3-part cycle a few times.

      I also really like the hand stretches I learned when I took aikido– try googling that for examples.

  40. time for cocoa*

    Any pros at making soup from scratch? I’m struggling with ingredient timing, and would love some tips.

    I made a turkey corn soup this week, and despite adding the softer vegetables and the egg noodles late in the process, they still ended up too soft for the mouthfeel I wanted. The hard vegetables and the meat were fine, but the broth took longer to take up the seasoning than I’d anticipated.

    1. fposte*

      It depends on what you mean by soft vegetables. But for something like spinach, for instance, I’ll just put it in right at the end and turn the heat off, and just stir until it wilts. With noodles I might cook them separately and then add them at the end as well. Depending on what seasoning you’re talking about, it can be worth blooming it in the oil first rather than adding it to the broth; for herbs, rolling to crush it before adding can be helpful in releasing the aromatics, and fresh is definitely better than dried if you can get it.

      Soups and stews are also often better the next day. I make soup to freeze, so I run to undercooking a little on the theory that things will get a little more done as they’re heated up again, and underseasoning a little as the flavors often mingle more over time.

      2. DataSci*

        Yes, definitely cook noodles separately! You can even hold some back if you’re expecting leftovers, and add them when you reheat.

    3. Stitch*

      I’m a pretty decent cook, but I’ve had soups go spectacularly wrong. They can be quite tricky.

    4. KatEnigma*

      Honestly? You might have unrealistic expectations. To get the flavor from onion and celery into the soup, they are just going to be mushy. Holding them out isn’t going to work- because they need to be there for the flavor to meld.

      1. DataSci*

        It sounds like you’re trying to do two things at once (flavor the broth and have tasty veggies in the soup). In my experience that’s not going to work. Make the broth first, then strain out and discard the veggies (and chicken bones, etc). Use fresh veggies for the soup itself.

        1. sagewhiz*

          This tip I learned a few years ago has turned my annual turkey carcass broth from good to superb: add a bottle of dry white wine to the pot! Plus, of course, toss in a couple of halved onions, a few scrubbed carrots, several celery stalks and garlic cloves, three or four bay leaves, and a dozen or so black peppercorns. Then strain all of that out when cool to reserve the savory broth. (I freeze it in 2 c. portions in ziplock bags, which, when used for soup, makes 2 servings.)

          1. KatEnigma*

            If you smoke the turkey, the resulting stock also turns out superb, with no extra effort at all. We hoard the stock we get from that smoked carcass!

        2. Chauncy Gardener*

          Came here to agree with DataSci +100. Make the broth first (with the bones, an onion, herbs, garlic) then strain and add your fresh chopped crispy vegetables (onions, celery, carrots, etc) then add any greens or cooked noodles

  41. Flowers*

    Watching the That 70s show reboot, “That 90s show.

    I watched the original when it first aired, and of course being close in age I was more interested in the “kids.”
    rewatched this in 2018 and I was totally Team Red.
    and the pilot of that 90s show has a scene with Eric using Red’s classic line on his daughter Leia.

    Its funny how your perspective on TV shows changes when you watch as an adult.

    Any reboots that you’ve enjoyed?

    And any shows from childhood that you’ve watched again as an adult? How do you find your perspective on it has changed?

    1. Epsilon Delta*

      It’s funny watching shows again as an adult. I watched Seinfeld in my teens and thought the characters were so old and mature, even if they were getting into funny situations. Rewatched it during Covid and it’s like, oh these people are like my age (ie don’t seem old to me now lol) and have no clue how to adult!

      1. RussianInTexas*

        I watched Seinfeld for the first time in my 30s and for the life of me could not understand the hype. All these people are just terrible.

    2. Rhiannon*

      I liked the “Will and Grace” re-boot, and looking forward to the “Frasier” re-boot, RIP John Mahoney.

    3. RussianInTexas*

      Not shows but a movie. The Breakfast Club.
      Those kids were really obnoxious.
      And yes in Red. Why, just why, all these kids are ALWAYS in his basement? Don’t they have anywhere else to go?

    4. Hatchet*

      A reboot I’m enjoying – Night Court! I vaguely remember the original – fun show, cooky characters, but I think a lot of the jokes went over my head at the time. I’m really enjoying the reboot – it’s light, it’s fun, and John Larroquette is a gem!!!

    5. allathian*

      I didn’t watch much TV as a kid because we didn’t have a TV at home until I was 12.

      I enjoyed Friends when it originally aired. Now I can’t stand it. All the characters are so immature and stupid. I sometimes watch a couple minutes if I’m channel surfing and it happens to be on, before something stupid happens and I decide I’ve had enough.

      I had a huge crush on MacGyver when I was a teen and the show originally aired, and I think I enjoyed the show almost as much when we watched it with our son a couple years ago.

      My parents weren’t (and still aren’t) moviegoers and didn’t take us to the movies. The first time I went I was 10, and a friend’s parents had invited me to see E.T. – The Extra-Terrestrial. Even though ET was a very sympathetic character, I had nightmares about him for weeks. I saw it again in my early 20s and thought it was cute. Last summer, we watched it with my son, he thought it was cute.

    6. allathian*

      Generally, I’m not keen on reboots. I was very disappointed with Anne With An E and gave up after 2 episodes. Just reading the description makes me certain that I don’t want to watch the All Creatures Great and Small remake.

      It’s almost 20 years old by now, but I really enjoyed the Battlestar Galactica remake, it got me into what I call gory sci-fi, Westworld’s another example of the genre that worked for me. The original is enjoyable on its own terms, but a rag-tag fleet that’s trying to escape what’s essentially Armageddon isn’t believable if it’s too upbeat, IMO.

  42. Data/Lore*

    Curious to know from other parents of 2E/gifted Ed kids- our district essentially trades the social studies/history class for the gifted class block all through elements middle school. High school does not have any separate gifted classes so the kids go from possibly no social studies/history from third through eighth grade to being expected to know what the rest of the students were learning when they enter ninth grade. My older child has been in gifted classes; early on the teacher for elementary included social studies and history elements, then middle school and pandemic hit all at once, and this year the gifted class has pretty much only done math/physics projects.

    I’m curious to know how other schools handle this- personally if I had known that by eighth grade my child would have missed learning about the literal entirety of world and US history I wouldn’t have approved placement in the gifted program, but six years ago there was an understanding that the gifted program would make sure that aspect was still covered. We have a plan to get up to speed before next school year but I can’t help but feel our district is severely impairing the development of our gifted and 2E kids with how they handle the gifted program.

    1. KatEnigma*

      Expected to know? In my experience, the non gifted rarely remember history that you go over and over again repeatedly from Elementary-Middle School (or basic grammar in English or pre-algebra or beginner’s physical science… ) and the gifted kid only does need to learn this ONCE, not repeatedly.

      1. Data/Lore*

        That’s what the ninth grade former gifted kids are experiencing ‍♀️ and telling the younger kids (I will be the first to say that there’s a strong anti-intellectual sentiment around here and very few people outside of parents of gifted/2E kids have a clear picture of their abilities, and there have been issues we have had with teachers assuming that because the kids are gifted they will always catch on quickly and don’t need any help to catch up on missed information). I know the mainstream classes for 6th through 8th cover most of history from “cradle of civilization” to right around WW2, and going into ninth grade it’s coming across as expected to have that groundwork to build on. We’re pretty rural so I don’t know if it’s local, regional, or common to see this sort of thing happen.

      2. Data/Lore*

        Also, gifted kids absolutely may need repetition to learn and remember. A high IQ does not always translate into “learns everything fast and retains it”. Often they have specific things they are good at, and also may have anxiety, depression, and/or neurodivergence that impacts their ability to learn something quickly and efficiently, or impacts their working memory. They might learn something new quickly if it’s interesting to them, but if not, or if it involves a topic that they are unfamiliar with they might not, or they might experience anxiety that they *aren’t* learning it fast enough or well enough.

        1. Irish Teacher*

          And as a teacher of history, not everything is repeated. Yeah, I will teach stuff like the Famine and 1916 and the Celts and things students have done in primary school, but…I won’t place emphasis on the basics. I might start with “and when the potato blight hit in 1845,” assuming students already know what potato blight is or I might talk about how crannógs are an example of Celtic housing and what we can learn from them, assuming students are familiar with crannógs.

          Yeah, we teach the same topics they have done in primary school, but in greater depth and there is an assumption that they have at least heard the terminology beforehand.

    2. FashionablyEvil*

      The gifted schedule in our district rotates so the kids aren’t missing the same thing every time, but it’s only once a week so that isn’t too onerous.

    3. Generic Name*

      My son was in a self-contained GT classroom through 8th grade so all subjects were accelerated. I’m not sure how the program works for kids identified as gifted but weren’t in the self-contained classroom.

    4. Fastest Thumb in the West*

      In our district, Gifted and Talented kids are in a self-contained class in elementary school with all subjects covered. In middle school they take their academic subjects- English, history/social studies, science, and math separately and their other subjects- music, PE, etc. with the general student population. In high school they take honors or AP classes, which are offered for nearly every subject, including music and art. Non GT students who meet the course requirements can take honors/AP also.

  43. Washing machine issue*

    Tell me how I’m doing my laundry wrong! Sometimes when I do the laundry, pieces of clothing come out with white stains on them – they kind of look like chalk, or like a thin swipe of ooze/slime – and they don’t rub off. I then have to wash them again, or try wiping with a towel. Mostly happens on pants in dark colors. We use liquid detergent, and I periodically run the cleaning cycle to clean the washing machine drum. The washer is less than 5 years old, but it’s been happening for a couple of years now (at least) and I don’t know what I am doing wrong. We lived overseas (I’m now in the U.S.) for 15 years and never had this problem – so I’m not sure if it’s something everybody else knows based on the design of US washing machines and I’m just out of the loop or it’s something wrong with my washer. Any ideas?

    1. Jay (no, the other one)*

      We have that happen sometimes. We use pods for detergent and fabric softener and I’m pretty sure it’s poorly dissolved fabric softener. Happens only in the colored loads that I wash with cold water (although I suppose it’s possible that I don’t notice the white streaks on white clothing, which we wash in warm) and my husband thinks it’s more of a problem in winter because the cold water is colder. Seems to happen less frequently when I add an extra rinse cycle but since it’s intermittent in the first place it’s hard to tell.

      tl;dr: try warm water if you can and/or an extra rinse cycle.

    2. Can't Sit Still*

      Do you have an HE machine and are you using HE measurements for your laundry detergent? Modern detergents are more concentrated than in the past, or rather, older detergents were full of fillers. Is your water harder or softer than it was where you lived before? That can also affect how much detergent you use.

      One thing you can try is add vinegar to the rinse cycle to help get out the excess soap or softener. Your clothes won’t smell like vinegar after they dry, but your washer might smell like vinegar until it dries out.

      I finally switched to pods, though. It’s too easy to add too much detergent to an HE machine.

    3. Sara*

      You might be using too much detergent based on the water volume that the machine uses. Newer machines use way less water than older ones, even if they’re not officially high efficiency. I’d try using 1/2 what you’re currently using and see if that helps.

      Is your machine a front-loader or top-loader? If it’s a front-loader, apparently it’s better to use powder rather than liquid – but don’t hold me to that as I can’t recall my sources on that one!

      It can also be detergent left from past cycles, so maybe run a cycle or two without any detergent/cleaner also? Unless that’s how you run the cleaning cycle – I’ve never had a machine with that option!

    4. Reba*

      What type of washer? And how is your water hardness?

      If the residue mainly looks like streaks and often aligns with where the clothes get crinkled in the spin cycle, it may be hard water mineral precipitate. Soak in vinegar before rewashing. Although it’s true that HE washers need little detergent, if you do have hard water, they need a bit more! Try using warmer wash water and a little more detergent, with borax and no fabric softener.

      Sometimes greyish-white, greasy/sticky or soapy feeling specks can also result from too little detergent for the wash water hardness and level of soil of the load.

      If on the other hand, you are seeing a lot of suds, or noticing that the laundry doesn’t move around a lot during the cycle, you need to adjust down the detergent and the load size — it might not be able to fully rinse if the clothes are packed in too tightly.

      I’m sorry to say this is probably happening to all your clothes but just visible on the dark ones. It’s worth fine-tuning the wash recipe so your clothes will not get mineral build up/crud that ages them prematurely! Good luck!

      1. Reba*

        two more thoughts. Check all around the back side of the gasket (if a front loader) for build up. And, if you use the detergent drawer, water pressure may be a factor in fully flushing the detergent into the drum at the right time.

      2. Expiring Cat Memes*

        Second trying to reduce your load size to see if that helps. My first washing machine was the cheapest front loader on the market. So it didn’t do a great job to start with and it was also small and took forever to get through a wash, so naturally I’d fill it up as much as I could. I’d get white smeared stains similar to what you describe from partially dissolved laundry powder that didn’t rinse off whenever it was overloaded. It really couldn’t be more than half to 2/3 full to do an acceptable wash!

    5. Camelid coordinator*

      I had that problem at my old house. I think it was lint. I had the most success brushing it off while the clothes were still wet. It was mostly on unnatural fabrics like workout pants.

    6. Washing machine issue*

      Thanks for all the responses! The general consensus seems to be that I should evaluate how much detergent we are using, so I will start with that. We have a top loader washing machine and it is a HE machine that adjusts water based on the load so based on your suggestions that seems like a good place to start. I hope that’s it – this has been driving us crazy.

      1. SofiaDeo*

        How often do you clean your washer? Is there a filter basket? I am sure the amount of soap has something to do with it, but a dirty washing machine can also affect things. I always do the “extra rinse” on cycles, and I don’t use fabric softener At All.

    7. Voluptuousfire*

      You’re using too much detergent!! It’s not rinsing out properly. Check out Renae the Appliance Repair Tech on Instagram. She has a ton of advice on stuff like this. Apparently you’re only suppose to use two tablespoons of detergent in HE washers. A detergent pod is probably about that.

  44. A delicate(s) question*

    Can someone recommend a mild soap/detergent for handwashing lightweight silk leggings and undershirts? It must be unscented or at least not have a discernible scent to a sensitive sense of smell.

    1. UKDancer*

      Can you get Soak Wash? It’s on amazon in the UK and in lingerie shops. Really good and you just leave something to soak and then hang it to dry. They do an unscented version I think although I tend to go for the pineapple one.

      1. Can't Sit Still*

        Seconding unscented Soak. It’s mild, doesn’t irritate my skin if I don’t rinse, and even the scented versions don’t bother me like other laundry scents. It works on natural fibers, including wool.

      1. sara*

        Seconding soak or eucalan for delicates – you don’t have to rinse it so it’s great for delicates. If I’m washing something non-wool I usually do give it a quick rinse just in case but it’s fine either way.

    3. Just here for the scripts*

      I tend to use baby shampoo for hand washing—gentle, hypoallergenic, and rinses clean.

    4. SofiaDeo*

      Whatever you do end up choosing, remember you probably need way way less than the directions say, unless you are sweating to an extreme amount when wearing them. When I would hand wash pantyhose, I put a *drop* on each toebox and 1 in the crotch, which were the areas I sweated. Not 5ml/teaspoonful. I stood on my feet/walked around all day. I use about 1/2 what they say needed in the washing machine. U less your clothes are super sweaty/dirty, you really don’t need a ton of soap!

    5. PhyllisB*

      I don’t know if you’re US or somewhere else, but Woolite is made for this type laundry. Only takes a capful to do a sink full of delicates.
      Also seconding baby shampoo. You can find it unscented.
      About woolite: I’m referring to the small (16 oz.?) size bottles. They now make Woolite for the washer, but unless you have a lot of delicates I wouldn’t bother.

  45. Bluebell*

    I didn’t see many Apple tv + options in the what are you watching thread, so am posting this separately. Help convince me why we should keep our subscription. Originally got it for Ted Lasso and loved Severance, plus Bad Sisters and Loot were great. Just finished Mythic Quest. I tend to watch lighter stuff. Thanks for any recommendations!

      1. Bluebell*

        Are there female characters in that? I’ve vaguely watched previews but only noticed unkempt Gary Oldman and a bunch of guys.

        1. CTT*

          There are bunches! Gary Oldman is their big selling point (especially now that he’s like “I’m retiring from acting except this”), but Kristin Scott Tomas is his nemesis, and there are about an equal number of men and women on his team.

    4. sara*

      I mainly have it because of For All Mankind. I also heard Tehran was good, and it’s on my list to watch this winter. Although, I’m seeing you prefer lighter stuff, so not sure these qualify? I describe For All Mankind to my friends as my “stressful space show”….

    5. ThatGirl*

      Central Park is a cartoon by the guy who does Bob’s Burgers; I don’t like it quite as much but it’s sweet, funny and musical.

  46. Heffalump*

    I’m in the United States. For the first time since COVID I’m in the market for a (used) car. I’m not fond of my current car, but it isn’t on its last legs or anything, so I have time.

    I’m currently on my 12th car in my life, and I’ve bought them all from private parties. That’s certainly a possibility this time, but of course cars offered by private parties are only a subset of all the cars out there. So, I’m thinking, what about expanding my horizons.

    When I was in the market for a car 5 years ago, I did look at one car sold by a new-car dealer. I decided the asking price was more than I wanted to pay, but the salesman did say their service department had gone over it. When I’ve bought from private parties in the past, it’s been a plus if the seller has had service records. This would be unlikely with a car from a dealer. On the other hand, you can sometimes get a service history via Carfax. I would have my mechanic do a pre-purchase inspection on the car, but in 2006 I had a car pass the inspection and then turn out to be very troublesome anyway. The seller had service records, but he’d owned the car for only a year.

    In 2014 I got a pre-purchase inspection on a car being sold by a used car lot. The inspection raised too many question marks, but I also thought the lot was sketchy. If I thought a given used car lot was above board, that would put more cars on the table, but I’m not sure how I’d assure myself of that. Of course, there are Yelp reviews of both dealers and used car lots, but I’m inclined to take Yelp reviews with a grain of salt.

    Any thoughts? Fortunately, I have the cash lying around. If anyone can recommend specific dealerships in the Seattle area (to buy a used car, not necessarily to get it serviced), I’m all ears. It wouldn’t have to be a dealership for the make I decide I want. For example, a VW dealer could take a Honda in trade.

    1. Missb*

      I’ve bought two used cars in recent years (for my kids, not me). Both were used from a dealer. The dealers both did inspections of the cars ahead of time and I could see the report along with the Carfax. I bought them from large dealerships.

      Until recently, the only cars we’ve ever bought were slightly used (I got an EV last year, no used market for the model I got because it was just released). We’d target cars that are about 3 years old, and I prefer those that have been leased or otherwise have super low miles. Folks that lease cars tend to treat them very well, because if not it is often financially painful for them when the lease is up. Combined with the dealer’s inspection report, I felt just fine buying the most recent one. One of my kids bought himself his first car around the same time and also got a just-off-lease vehicle with low miles.

      For the most recent one that I bought, I looked at various dealerships in the area for the specific car. The dealer that we bought the car from (Honda CR-V) was a Honda dealership but they also had Dodge and Volkswagen dealerships side-by-side. I don’t care which dealer it came from – it was the year, model and color that the kid was looking for. (And just as an aside, he was selling a car and paying me most of the car price but he couldn’t find that model of car in the podunk state he lives in. It was just more efficient for me to purchase it outright and then “sell” it to him once he sold his existing car. I’m generous, but not *that* generous.)

      We are always ready to walk away. Dh and I test drove a CR-V one night at the dealership, but I just didn’t like it. I kept getting a whiff of cigarette smoke. The dealership had another one available across town, but we weren’t that interested in driving over there the next day. The salesperson went over, picked it up and drove it to our house the next morning so we could test drive it. Much easier. They had all the paperwork available when we went in to buy it later that day.

      Also, please don’t buy the extended warranty or undercoat protection. If you do, wait until you get into the finance person’s office, because chances are the price will be less from them as opposed to the salesperson. I still always pass on those, but just realize that any dealer is going to try to sell you those products.

    2. Decidedly Me*

      Klein Honda in Everett offers a lifetime warranty. I wanted to go there for my most recent car, but they didn’t have what I needed on my timeline. I have owned way too many cars in my life due to Craigslist buys. My first car from a lot has been awesome. Used, but low mileage, had Carfax report, dealer inspected, etc. Definitely look at mileage – I will never buy a high mileage vehicle again.

    3. Grits McGee*

      I bought my current car from CarMax in 2019 and had a good experience. (Bought in Louisiana and then shipped to the DC area, which CarMax handled.) Most of their cars are from rental or commercial fleets and only a couple years old, which removed a lot of the uncertainty and risk. In DC most of the Yelp complaints I saw for our local CarMax branch were related to trade-in values rather than the buying process. However, they did give me the Kelly Blue Book value for my 15 year old busted up Honda Civic when I bought my new car, which was a relief because I was worried I was going to have to pay someone to junk it.

      1. Manders*

        Same! I bought a Ford Escape in Jan 2022 – so a very bad time to purchase a used car. I got it through CarMax. It wasn’t a super good deal, but nothing was then, and it was a good vehicle (only 4600 miles for a 4 year old car. The sales person looked it up and it was a lease car that hadn’t been driven much.). I got well above blue book for my 2005 Honda Accord which had only 100K miles, but also a lot of mechanical issues due to age. I liked the entire CarMax experience and would 100% use them again.

      2. Melissa*

        I second CarMax. My time is valuable; I’m not a ‘car person’; I’m not a mechanic; and I don’t like to haggle. I can walk in CarMax, see the price on the windshield, check a Carfax report, and walk out with a car. I have in the past bought a car from a private individual, and maybe I saved— I don’t know— five hundred dollars off what I would have paid at CarMax. It wasn’t worth the effort for me.

    4. sara*

      I bought a 2020 Honda HR-V last year from the dealer and felt great about it. I’d only ever bought beaters before (and had been carfree for 8 years). It still has some warranty on it, and the dealership also had a deal on for free oil changes for life – I wouldn’t have paid extra for it but it was included. And also the dealership is super close to my work, so it’s convenient to actually go there for the oil changes (and then can still get 2nd opinion on other service as needed). Because of massive car shortages here, I probably didn’t save much money buying used vs new, but it meant I got to drive away with the car that day rather than wait 3-6 months (or more…), which was worth quite a lot to me.

      1. Mztery*

        We are considering buying a used car where is the mall and given the prices anymore I will only buy a certified used car that came with a warranty from a dealer.

    5. Jay (no, the other one)*

      I’ve bought several cars from Carvana and been generally quite satisfied (one problem which they resolved and which we would have identified sooner if it hadn’t happened right at the start of the pandemic). I bought my last used car from the dealer – August of 2021, needed a car quickly, and got lucky that they had what I wanted on the lot just off lease. If you have time, you might figure out what you want and let the local dealers know what you’re looking for so if they get one coming in they can let you know. You will pay a premium for that. It’s worth it to me to save some time. Would not be for everyone.

    6. SofiaDeo*

      I have owned used Lexus vehicles for years, and got some of them through the dealers’ Used “Certified” program. The last one I got was from CarMax, and had service records. The only car I ever had problems with was my very first one, purchased brand new!

      1. SofiaDeo*

        P.S. Instead of looking only at Yelp reviews, check with the state, see if that particular dealership/facility has had business complaints. Both BBB and state agency. Most of these businesses are reputable and not trying to rip people off, but the few who do, will likely have numerous complaints.

    7. Meow*

      I bought my car from Carvana in August 2020.
      Pros:
      -Car delivered to me for a test drive. If you like it, you sign the paperwork. If you don’t, the Carvana rep takes it back. After that, you still have 7 days to decide.
      -Price was comparable to dealership prices (from what I saw at the time)
      -Didn’t have to go to a dealership during COVID times
      -No high-pressure sales tactics or casual misogyny
      -They do trade-ins. I didn’t pursue this, so I can’t personally speak to this experience.
      Cons:
      -The title took 6 months to be transferred to me. I had to call (and be put on hold for hours at a time) multiple times to get another set of temporary plates
      -Felt pressured (by myself) to get the extended warranty since I was receiving a car sight unseen
      -Not supporting a local business

  47. Disagreement about food/binging*

    (This is worded awkwardly just to attempt some objectivity, not because I’m playing coy.) You and your live-in partner are having a disagreement about food.

    Partner A has a generally healthy relationship with food, but has 2 specific unhealthy snacks that they cannot control themselves around. They will mindlessly binge those foods in a single sitting until they are gone. They maintain a good diet/lifestyle as long as those 2 snacks are not in the house.

    Partner B thinks it isn’t fair that they can’t have those snacks in the house, just because Partner A can’t control themselves. They think Partner A just needs to develop better willpower. They are not willing to buy single-serve portions or lock up the snacks–they expect all household foods to be easily accessible in their standard locations, like the fridge or the pantry.

    Partner A is doubly frustrated because they are a teetotaler and Partner B is a mild alcoholic who refuses treatment. Partner B does not think this is relevant to the snack issue.

    Thoughts?

    1. WellRed*

      There are 8 billion snacks in the world. Why is Partner B so obsessed with having THESE two snacks on hand. The alcohol issue doesn’t really have anything to do with the snack issue except that Partner A brought it up. Although there is a certain irony to Partner B talking about willpower. Partner A should attend Alanon or something if they want to stay with B. You can’t convince an alcoholic to get treatment.

    2. Chestnut Mare*

      This is really burying the lede, in my opinion. I don’t know what a “mild alcoholic” is, but I think the snack issue is a very classic situation of projection on the part of Partner B.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        ^This right here.

        Getting B to agree to Justice For Snacks is not going to make B more reasonable on the alcohol being a problem, or on anything else.

        This would be just as true if A wanted to have all snacks available, and B wanted to rule out potato chips and chocolate but insisted the inability to stop around those foods was unrelated to any inability to stop around alcohol.

    3. coccinelle*

      Oh, the irony of B saying A’s problem is willpower! B is a controlling jerk, and completely unsupportive of A.

    4. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

      Are these general kinds of snacks, or specific snacks? In other words, are we talking “no chips in the house” or “no lays crinkle cut sour cream and onion flavored potato chips in the house”?

      BTW, I don’t think the wording did you any good for objectivity. You are partner A, right? Nobody says “a mild alcoholic who refuses treatment”, with obvious disapproval, about themselves.

      1. DataSci*

        Given the “specific” phrasing I assume it’s the second one, and I get it – I can’t have peanut butter filled pretzels in the house, because I’ll eat way too many. Fortunately my spouse is happy to enjoy the billions of other snack options in the world, so it’s never been a problem.

    5. Generic Name*

      I in my opinion, if partner B loves partner A, they’ll respect the boundary of keeping 2 types of food out of the house and eat them literally anywhere else in the world. (Seriously it’s not that hard. One of my coworkers is an omnivore married to a vegetarian. They do not keep meat in the house. Omnivore says not eating meat at home isn’t a big deal and if he’s craving meat, he goes out to lunch during the workday.)

      Here’s my take on the alcohol part: partner B is in denial regarding their alcohol problem and is looking for a way to feel superior to partner A. I think couples counseling could help, and definitely alanon for partner A.

      1. LNLN*

        Ding, ding, ding!!! Having those two snacks in the house allows B to point out how little will power A has and distract from their own relationship with alcohol.

        1. Callie*

          Substance abuse disorder isn’t about willpower. If partner is an alcoholic that’s something they need to take responsibility for but using it as a willpower gotcha is not ok.

    6. RagingADHD*

      By “mild alcoholic” do you mean someone who drinks more than Partner A likes? Or an actual alcoholic who hasn’t hit bottom yet?

      Because, while Partner B sounds like they’re being an unsupportive jerk, Partner A also sounds like they have some serious, unexamined boundary issues. Both around food, and around either policing or enabling B’s drinking. (Which are 2 sides of the same coin).

      It’s a jerk move for B to say Partner A should just get more willpower. But it’s also a jerk move for A to try to make B’s drinking somehow responsible for their own issues around food.

      I think both of them could benefit from couple’s counseling.

    7. Jen Erik*

      I agree with Elspeth that it depends how specific the snacks are – I feel there’s a big difference between, ‘You know I can’t have fruit sitting out’ and ‘You know I can’t have plums sitting out’. But I don’t see Partner B’s pov otherwise: my husband will eat through anything when he’s in a hungry phase, so we hide the chocolate – and he’s happy we do, and we get him some if he wants it – but it’s such a straightforward thing to do. And the non-standard location just becomes the standard one. (Top shelf, in an empty box of All-Bran, if anyone is looking.)
      I’m not sure I see the relevance of the alcoholism, but you have all my sympathies. Al-Anon really helped me.

      2. Jen Erik*

        Just to amend my reply – I don’t think the alcoholism is relevant in the who-is-wrong-about-the-snacks debate.
        However, thinking about it for a little longer, in my experience my husband (10 years sober now, hooray!) had to use increasingly controlling behaviours in order to continue his drinking, and I don’t think I thought of them as abusive at the time. I don’t know that non-physical abuse was much talked about.
        So in that this is absolutely a controlling behaviour – we have to have those snacks, and they have to be in these places, and the problem is your lack of self-control – I think this is something to take very seriously indeed, and I’m sorry that I didn’t think that through before replying, and that consequently my answer was too light-hearted.

      3. Observer*

        my husband will eat through anything when he’s in a hungry phase, so we hide the chocolate – and he’s happy we do, and we get him some if he wants it – but it’s such a straightforward thing to do.

        Yeah, this is what’s standing out to me. Even if it’s a class of food, keeping it in a place that the other person can’t get to is such a simple thing to do, that I just don’t get it.

    8. Not A Manager*

      I think I understand why Partner A feels that the alcoholism is relevant. I think they are saying that Partner B should be more empathic about their struggle to control themself around these snacks, because Partner B knows how it feels to be unable to control themself around alcohol. But I think this muddies the water because it sounds like Partner B is unwilling to acknowledge their alcoholism. Bringing it up just gives Partner B a different thing to argue about.

      I think Partner A should explore Al Anon or other support groups for the partners of alcoholics. They might find that the snack issue is really a metaphor for other, more festering problems.

      In terms of the snacks, I can’t really help. I think Partner B is wrong not to accept any of the compromises suggested, but what bothers me more is Partner B’s apparent unconcern for Partner A’s experience.

      1. Disagreement about food/binging*

        “Partner A feels that the alcoholism is relevant. Partner B should be more empathic about their struggle to control themself around these snacks, because Partner B knows how it feels to be unable to control themself around alcohol.”

        Yes, exactly this. I did not realize this needed spelling out, but first-person bias I suppose.

      2. Expiring Cat Memes*

        …what bothers me more is Partner B’s apparent unconcern for Partner A’s experience

        Probably projecting here, but that stood out to me too because that hardline inflexibility reminds me so much of my experience with an ex-partner. And as Emma comments below, it’s never just about the snacks is it? There was a food element to it too with my ex but that uncompromisingly self-centred attitude showed up in absolutely every other facet of the relationship too.

        Someone who consistently prioritises their own minor preference or whim of the moment over your basic needs or important wants does not want a partner, they want a doormat.

    9. Still*

      Being in a relationship isn’t about fairness, it’s about being kind and taking care of each other and supporting each other. “It’s not fair that I can’t have my snack just because they can’t control themself” is something that I would expect to hear from a sibling, not a loving partner. Why on earth would I put my loved one in a stressful situation when I can just pick a different snack, or eat it outside of our home, or hide it? Why would I make my partner uncomfortable just for the made-up principle of “snacks must go in this cupboard or else”? This is such a weird hill to die on.

      The alcoholism is a WHOLE other issue, but the snack question seems really clear-cut to me. It would be really easy for B to be kind, and if they’re not willing to… That’s something for A to think about.

    10. Observer*

      Partner B has a terrible relationship with food, and I do think it is relevant. Because their attitude about the issue is beyond unreasonable. Either they are a bit of a jerk or their very unhealthy relationship with food is totally obscuring their view of what is basically reasonable.

      In a sense they are correct their their alcohol problem is not relevant, but in a way it is relevant. Because how does someone who has a food problem have the gall to say “Just get a grip”? So, either they are in deep denial about their alcohol problem (and “mild” alcoholism is STILL a major problem with major health implications.) Or they have a glaring double standard.

      Here is the question for B – would you do this if your partner had an allergy?

      Of course there is also the question of why are you SO hung up on these particular snack foods. And more that you need to have access to them THIS VERY SECOND. It’s just INTOLERABLE to have to take even the step of unlocking your cabinet!

      Of course, if this is part of a larger pattern of A expecting B to take care of A’s problems, that’s a different story.

    11. Lynn*

      My two cents:
      Person A is right about the snacks. That should be an easy concession for Person B to make to help a (supposedly) well loved partner.

      Person B is right about these being two separate issues.

      The alcohol is different from the snack issue because Person A is ASKING for help. The issue isn’t similarity of temptation, the issue is supporting a partner in their own goal. Person B should help Person A with their own goals because that’s what good partners do.

    12. Emma*

      I think it’s time for couples counseling. We found a great one on the psychology today database, who took our insurance, and was willing to do it all by video so we can fit this in on lunch breaks.

      Counseling is big about developing communication, which would be perfect for this, because it’s never just about the snacks, is it?

    13. GingerSheep*

      A slightly different perspective here, because I recognise myself a little in partner B, and because I find that the presentation of facts in OP’s post is perhaps a little biased in favour of A. I had the almost exact same situation unfold in my life albeit with a friend-turned-roommate.
      She asserted that she could not control herself around ice-cream, and asked that we not have any ice-cream, under any form or flavour, at home. I have ice-cream for desert at least twice or three times a week, and more often in the summer, and was not willing to let go of one of my daily pleasures in life.
      Of course, you can’t hide ice cream in a pantry, and the house had a single freezer that could not be locked up. Finding a compromise was therefore difficult.
      We discussed the situation with our friend group, and everyone agreed that it was unfair to me to keep me from having my favorite dessert, and moreover, that it wasn’t on me, or anyone for that matter, to control Friend’s eating. She was an adult, with a job, who had long learnt that taking other people’s stuff was wrong, and who should be able to control herself and not steal my ice-cream. Or, in other words, that she was making me responsible for her problem.
      The issue kind of resolved of itself : I ate a little less ice-cream than before, mostly coffee flavoured because by chance it was my favourite flavour and one Friend did not particularly enjoy ; I never bought chocolate as she was most likely to binge it, and started buying individual servings : it was easier on her if she saw me eating one as she could not dip into the tub. But mostly, she moved out after 6 months because she landed a prestigious opportunity at the other end of the country. We’re still good friends, but I did for a moment think that our friendship would not survive the ice cream dispute.
      (Another similarity between the two situations, though irrelevant here, was that my friend is also a teetotaller, and that I drink socially. I don’t believe anyone would ever describe me as an alcoholic, even mild, and my friend certainly did not. She was nonetheless relatively judgemental about drinking alcohol in general.)

      1. Not A Manager*

        I think these situations are a bit different, though. First, you were roommates, not life partners. Second, her original ask was quite extreme – no ice cream for you, ever. Third, as you say, hiding ice cream is a lot more difficult than hiding smoked almonds.

        But the most important difference, I think, is that in the given situation, you actually were willing to make a reasonable accommodation. You ate somewhat less ice cream than before, you allowed your flavor choice to be informed by her preferences, and you purchased single-serve portions. This is a generous accommodation to a friend-turned-roommate.

        If (unlike in your situation but in the OP’s situation) I were negotiating with a life partner, had a reasonable ask, and was dealing with a temptation that was pretty easy to hide/lock up etc., I would expect him to be *more* generous and accommodating than a roommate eating ice cream, not less.

      2. Still*

        I think that’s different.

        The relationship between roommates is less intimate and there is also less shared ownership of stuff.

        Taking your roommate’s food is stealing in a way that taking your partner’s food usually isn’t, if you share a household and a food budget. Presumably A doesn’t go around stealing the snacks from stores and grabbing them from the hands of strangers on the street. Of course they can control themselves. It’s just harder at home, when you know there aren’t really consequences to taking the snack, other than your own guilty feelings.

        And as Not A Manager said, there are accommodations that are reasonable to ask of a partner, but not of a roommate or a friend. You would probably have been more willing not to have ice-cream at home if you had been in love with your roommate!

        And, yeah, with ice-cream, there really isn’t much choice about where to put it. That doesn’t seem to apply in A and B’s case.

        All that to say… I think you were in the right in the situation with your roommate, she was a grown-up and should have been able to stop herself from literally stealing your food. That wasn’t okay. I just think that’s a bit of a different situation.

        And to be clear… I don’t think it’s great that A can’t control themselves to such extent that they have to completely banish the snack from the house. That’s not ideal! But, reasonable or not, it seems like a pretty small ask, and the fact that B is so unwilling to budge at all says something worrying about the relationship.

        1. Callie*

          It really depends. We have so little info here. Personally I would have zero problem not bringing sour cream and onion chips into the house but if I was asked not to buy chips or chocolate or to hide them it would be reminiscent of my old eating disorder days in a way that I’d find triggering to be handling in my own house. If this is something the partners can’t have an honest and non-snipey conversation about, I think couples therapy is warranted.

    14. Tay*

      Okay so I’m going to offer a different perspective here because I’m more on the side of B.

      Obviously for A, they are struggling with these snacks and that sounds tough and relatable to me. But also it doesn’t sound like there was much discussion between the two of you? Just “we can’t have X and Y in the house because I WILL binge them”. It feels like there’s a lack of agency with A in your post. They can’t control themselves, they have no willpower, the only solution is to completely avoid. And while that might work, it’s not really addressing the core problem and instead it’s just pushing it to the side.

      If I were B, I’d find that frustrating. I would see my partner as being avoidant and acting like they don’t have agency in their choices. And like they expect me to help them avoid a problem instead of actually solving it. Person A is ultimately an adult who can choose how to react to the snacks — though it sounds like they may need more support from B on this or the help of a therapist to develop non-avoidant strategies.

      I don’t think it’s as simple as B is being unsupportive because A is clearly is struggling and therefore B is bad for not helping. There’s more nuance to it and y’all need to talk about how to actually solve this problem in a way that works for both of you.

      Also I saw someone say “what if A was allergic” which clearly is different because that’s a necessity to avoid the food vs an avoidant coping mechanism.

      The alcoholism sounds not relevant to this specific issue and like y’all could benefit from a couples counsellor or at least a more honest convo about how that is affecting you.

      1. allathian*

        Oh, the alcoholism is absolutely relevant. For many people pretty much the only way to maintain sobriety is to never have alcohol in the house. I don’t think it’s too much to ask of the partner of a sober alcoholic to avoid drinking, particularly in the sober alchoholic’s company. Many sober alcoholics will eventually learn to be comfortable with others drinking in their company, but not all.

    15. KatEnigma*

      Go to Al Anon.

      Everyone is responsible for their own addiction/self control. Period. Full stop. B is not responsible for A’s lack of snack control, and A is not responsible for B’s sobriety. Full stop.

      1. Not A Manager*

        But it’s not a full stop, really. You can support someone in reaching their goals without “being responsible” for their goals. People do that all the time, especially in shared aspects of their lives.

        “Please be more thoughtful of where you keep the snacks” isn’t making your partner *responsible* for your eating habits. It’s asking them to support you in taking your own responsibility for your eating habits. I’d say the same about drinking – if and when Partner B takes responsibility for their own drinking, if there were reasonable accommodations they wanted Partner A to make to assist them in that effort, I’d hope that Partner A would make those accommodations. That’s supporting your partner, not taking responsibility for them.

        1. Mac (I Wish All The Floors Were Lava)*

          I agree, and it’s complicated by the fact that if Person A lived alone, it seems like they would have a system that worked for them to take responsibility for themself: they just wouldn’t have the irresistible snack in the house. Person B is introducing an element into the shared household that makes life more difficult for Person A, and refusing to compromise because (it sounds like) they value their own convenience over their partner’s sense of well-being. It’s not unreasonable for Person A to want their partner to be more compassionate in this situation.

      2. Still*

        Eh. Of course B is responsible for their own sobriety, but A would still be an asshole if they insisted on buying alcohol, putting it out where they know B will come across it, and refusing to move it.

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          Counter eh: Something that struck me in Single Drunk Female was specifically laying out that Sam’s mom could drink wine, in the house where she was letting Sam live after Sam hit rock bottom–that Sam’s sobriety was not about her mom, and the people helping Sam had really drilled that aspect of owning her choices into her. I’ve since noted a similar theme in other depictions of sobriety.

          1. Still*

            I don’t really want to dig into the details of every specific hypothetical situation here (and I don’t think we’re actually disagreeing on a fundamental level, everything is just so highly context-specific!), but I just wanted to say how charmed I am by the phrase “counter eh”.

        2. KatEnigma*

          Nope. The one thing they emphasize in both Al Anon and AA and other non affiliated recovery programs is that the alcoholic has to be able to manage it on their own. Grocery stores don’t hide their alcohol away, etc.

          1. Observer*

            The analogy doesn’t hold up.

            Grocery stores don’t hide stuff. But there is enough “friction” to be useful to someone who is actively trying to manage their issue. What B is insisting on doing is not “not managing” but to actively putting the issue in someone’s face. Keep in mind, that A is not even asking that B shouldn’t bring that food into the house. All they are asking is to put a little friction in place.

            I’ve heard a fair amount of criticism of AA and AlAnon and the like. I don’t really know to what extent this is warranted. If they are actually telling people the the “right” way to deal with an addict in your household is to refuse to support them and to insist on putting the addictive thing IN their face and in the easiest way for them to abuse, then they deserve all the criticism they get. Because in ANY situation where there is a temptation factor, everything we know is that part of the strategy for managing that temptation is to avoid that thing to the extent practical. And, yes, it’s understood that banning everyone in your circle from ever enjoying the thing does not fall under “practical”. But avoiding putting that thing where the addict basically has to see it and in a way that encourages problematic patterns? Sorry, that’s expecting someone to manage their problem. That’s active undermining.

      3. MeepMeep123*

        But A is taking responsibility for their lack of snack control. The removal of the snack from the house IS the “taking responsibility”. That literally is how you kick an addiction. What B is doing is sabotaging their efforts by forcing them to keep the trigger substance at the house.

    16. SofiaDeo*

      Sounds like the alcoholism and issues around it is getting dragged into the food convo as a sidebar? It has nothing to do with the problem IMO, unless it is getting dragged into the issue as “you know how you say you sometimes drink more than you mean to, but can’t stop yourself and regret it afterwards? I have that problem with these food items.” Anyway, we sort of have this problem.

      Bottom line, IMO, if you love someone you have to be willing to “give” a bit on certain issues. Feelings aren’t logic. Should you rationally/logically, as an adult, be able to control yourself? Yes. Should partner logically expect to be able to keep items where similar ones are kept? Again Yes. But surely one is willing to bend a bit for quirks of our loved ones, especially when it is causing health related stress! I can and do not purchase/or hide certain snacks, stuff my partner does not want to eat because he “wants” to be healthier but has no control over binging X, even though I can control myself. It’s a little bit of “what I do do show I love them.”

    17. Sadie*

      I think the snack-loving partner should not bring those snacks into the house. Even if it is a full category of snack, like ice cream and potato chips. They can enjoy ice cream and potato chips when they go out. It’s not all snacks and it’s not too much to ask for a partner. Nobody needs those things at home.

      Doing same for a housemate as described above is going above and beyond and not a reasonable expectation. But absolutely a reasonable ask for a partner.

    18. walk*

      I don’t know, I feel like the alcoholism *is* the bigger issue here but I get why A isn’t focusing on that if B won’t do anything about it. There is no such thing as “mild” alcoholism though–either you can turn down a drink (especially if it’s detrimental to your health/life/job/etc) or you can’t. So the non-alcoholic partner (not gonna lie, I’ve already forgotten which is A and which is B) needs to get right with themselves about how much of the alcoholism they’re willing to put up with and the alcoholic partner needs to either get treatment or be upfront about the fact that they consider booze more important than anything else in life, including the people they love.
      (Spoiler: the alcoholic partner will never actually be upfront about this fact, nor will they seek treatment for it).

    19. MeepMeep123*

      I am in the position of Partner B, minus the alcoholism. My spouse cannot control herself around certain types of food. We do not keep that food in the house, period full stop. If we do end up with the trigger foods by accident somehow, it all goes to the food bank. Somehow, despite this tremendous sacrifice on my part, I’m still alive.

      In an intimate relationship, the partners owe it to each other to make each other’s lives easier. If one of them has an addiction of some kind and is trying to kick it, the other partner needs to help.

      In general, addictions are hard enough to kick even if you don’t keep the trigger substance at the house. Making the person keep the trigger substance within easy reach is basically sabotaging their recovery. Not cool.

    20. Samwise*

      Partner B needs to grow up and think about other people. They won’t die without those snacks. Buy them, take them straight to the office, store in the file cabinet.

    21. Onomatopoetic*

      I have a partner like A. When they have a migraine coming on, they turn into a black hole and devour everything. I cannot keep snacks in the house, or it has to be well hidden. Does it annoy me? A bit to be honest, I’d like to be able to keep some ice cream in the freezer. Is it undue hardship for me to accomodate my partner? No. So I do. Because my partner asked me to. It’s not so much about the snacks, as it’s about being flexible in your relationship.

    22. allathian*

      Oh, this is so hard. But my general thought is that as long as partner B isn’t willing to do anything about their alcoholism, partner A has the right to dictate what snacks are and are not allowed in the house and under what terms.

      That said, I wonder what “mild alcoholic” even means. It’s possible to drink too much, even to the point of your health being negatively impacted by the drinking without being an alcoholic, if you can skip the drinks without mental anguish when you need to do so. You can also be an alcoholic (=addicted to alcohol) while drinking such small amounts that you don’t get drunk, say if you absolutely must have one drink per day at a certain time, if you get anxious because you exceptionally can’t have that one drink for whatever reason.

      Generally I’d be pushing for some sort of compromise, I think it would be reasonable for partner B to keep their favorite snacks in the house, as long as they buy individual portions and keep them somewhere else than were A keeps their snacks. Difficult if the snack requires cold storage, but doable otherwise.

      Partner B seems to be in denial about the severity of their problem, if they can’t see the connection between the alcohol and the snacks issue.

  48. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

    Does anybody have any recommendations for brown food? I read that folks used to do themed dinners with all brown food, which sounds weirdly delightful so now I want to throw a dinner party. I’ve got:
    *roast beef
    *brown bread
    *baked beans
    *brownies
    But that is strongly lacking in vegetables. Anybody have suggestions or better ideas? Except for the brownies. Those are a definite yes.

    1. sara*

      Mushrooms are the main one that come to mind. Baked potatoes – and probably other things that are brown on the outside at least. Also you can get lots of veggies pretty brown if you roast them – carrots, onions, cauliflower, etc.

      Oh and battered & fried things are brown?

    4. cat in cardboard box*

      Brown rice is the first thing that comes to mind! There is also this tamarind candy that I love, it’s SO sour and sweet at the same time. I find it at a grocery store that carries a lot of various international foods. I can’t remember if it’s from the Hispanic or Asian section.

    5. Colette*

      Anything in chocolate – chocolate dipped strawberries, for example.

      Ants on a log (celery filled with peanut butter with raisins n top)

      Hummus

    6. Paint it....brown*

      Brown tomatoes, which are fairly easy to find in the grocery stores where I live. You could slice them and serve them with a balsamic vinaigrette (more brown!).

      Vegetarian cabbage rolls in mushroom broth (brownish).

      French onion soup (heavy on the onions).

    7. Fellow Traveller*

      This is funny to me because my Husband jokes that he only makes brown food!
      He makes a lot of fried food- dredge meat or fish in panko or bread crumbs and fry. (I guess if you are going by outward appearance you could also batter and fry vegetables) Also he makes hash brown potatoes as part of his brown meal.
      Peanut Butter or Sesame Noodles would also be brown.

    8. Expiring Cat Memes*

      Nasu dengaku (Japanese miso-glazed eggplant)? I haven’t tried making it at home before, but it’s delicious and it looks easy (and very meh brown!).

    9. fueled by coffee*

      Fruits & veggies:
      Dates, almonds, mushrooms, potatoes, chestnuts, brown olives, roasted eggplant

    10. Mac (I Wish All The Floors Were Lava)*

      Potato leek soup turns a very unappetizing shade of brown if you use blue/purple potatoes (as I discovered once to my disappointment). Still tastes great, though!

      Roasted parsnips and cauliflower will turn a lovely golden-brown.

      I know you may not need more sweet suggestions, but I’m enjoying this too kuch to stop:
      Baked apples stuffed with brown sugar and raisins are the best kind of brown.
      Buckwheat pancakes are a great brown breakfast-for-dinner option.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I made potato soup with purple potatoes a couple months ago hoping for a weird color, and it was the same color all my other potato soup ever has been!

    11. Kahlua*

      Where did you read this? And how long ago was this a trend? It reminds me of the type of menus that food scientists/home economists created in the late 19th century, but I’m not familiar with that specific menu.

      Googling got me to a number of recent videos of people doing a 24 hr brown food challenge, and almost all (all but one) of those videos were by Asian people. Didn’t watch any, so I don’t know if this was a trend in an Asian country or a diaspora thing.

      Googling also led me to a number of lists of brown foods! God bless the Internet and all of its wacky trends.

      1. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

        Stella Park’s BraveTart cookbook, in the chapter on brownies. I had to return it to the library, so I don’t have a date, but 100-150 years ago maybe? Definitely not a recent trend though! I came up with most of the menu ideas myself so I don’t know if they are representative of the trend.

    12. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

      Thanks all! Some great suggestions. Particular thanks for the eggplant dish and turning potato leek soup brown by use of purple potatoes, neither of which I could ever have thought of by myself.

  49. Fly Away*

    Sorry for posting two threads this week. Just panicking and hoping for reassurance that I’m not a complete idiot since I can’t find anything about this online.

    I ordered two pairs of work boots to try, and they didn’t fit, so I ordered a third pair in “wide” that of course didn’t feel/look any wider, so I just wanted to return all of them. The company that sells them provides free “Smart Post” return labels for returning to FedEx or the post office, though they say you’ll get a much faster refund with FedEx. So I went out of my way to return them to FedEx first thing this morning. The customer service person told me their machine hadn’t been working with Smart Post labels all week, so she couldn’t scan them and give me a receipt like I wanted, but said the people who picked them up to load them on the truck would scan them and I could track them.

    The packages haven’t been scanned yet, and I’m worried since it was almost $350 worth of merchandise and what if I can’t get a refund because the customer service person stole them or something?

    Has anyone else returned things via FedEx before? Do they usually take a while to scan the packages?

    1. Liminality*

      I’ve never run into your situation, but my impulse would be to ask the service agent to pose for a picture with the three packages so I would have some sort of time stamped proof that I was there.

      Good luck! I hope they get scanned soon!

      1. Fly Away*

        It’s 10:30 pm and no scans. It’s so stupid that I was worrying about being able to give my nieces college fund money and then basically went and threw away $350.

        1. ThatGirl*

          Give it time. FedEx can be lazy but that doesn’t mean it’s nit moving. I do understand your panic but you did your part. If nothing happens by say Monday I would contact the boot company and they can harass FedEx.

        2. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

          My experience with Fedex is that they sometimes take a while to scan things. When they do finally scan it, it’ll probably already be halfway to it’s destination.

        3. Workerbee*

          Tangentially: You didn’t throw away your money. You exchanged your money for a product. Product didn’t work, you tried another on good faith, now you are returning them. It sounds like by the time you got to FedEx, the scan issue was a well-known issue by them so they had a process in place. You can of course go back to inquire further and have them check on your packages for you.

          It’s certainly very nice of you to want to give to your niece’s college fund, but please cut yourself some slack for providing for yourself!

    3. WellRed*

      My fedex branch doesn’t even have stuff picked up after a certain time on Saturday and therefore not get scanned until Monday.

    4. RagingADHD*

      If they’re open today, I’d go down there and ask about it. If the truck picked them up, they are bound to have some kind of record, even if the website tracker hasn’t updated.

    5. Can't Sit Still*

      I’ve returned lots of things via FedEx and Smart Post returns, and they often don’t get scanned until delivery. Or all of a sudden, a whole lot of scans will pop up from the last several days.

    6. Not Always Right*

      If it all goes south, you can always dispute the charges on whatever card you used to pay for the boots, but I would be willing to bet that Fedex will get it handled the right way. I totally understand your angst though.

  50. Victoria, Please*

    After many years of wanting, I finally have purchased a new bed. TMI and then some to go into why it took many years to get this done. It will be looooverly.

    I’m seeking ideas for what to do with the old bed. It’s a 10-layer cotton futon that weighs *a lot*, on a solid oak platform frame that is annoyingly non-standard: queen width, extra-long. I hate to just set it all out for the trash, you know? But it’s not likely to be desirable on Buy Nothing or thrift stores or whatever. I don’t have a spare room where it’s needed.

    Any thoughts…?

    1. Filosofickle*

      Upholstered things can be hard to get rid of but it’s worth trying…when I don’t find a taker on something on Buy Nothing I go to the wider area on Nextdoor and finally Craigslist free section. And maybe someone can turn the futon into dog beds.

    2. Generic Name*

      Don’t assume nobody will want it. List it for free in Craigslist or in a buy nothing group and see what happens. If nobody wants it then you can figure out next steps

      1. Expiring Cat Memes*

        Yeah, you’d be surprised what people want. A friend sold an old mattress to someone setting up an Airbnb on their property. The buyer was just happy to get something in decent condition cheap.

        I’ve found stuff goes quicker if I put a nominal $ amount on it though rather than free. On more than one occasion when we really needed to get rid of something my husband actually increased the listing price and bam, gone. Weird how that works… if it’s free or too cheap I guess people assume there’s something wrong with it.

    3. Just a Name*

      Around here, the Habitat for Humanity ReStore seems to take just about anything. Building supplies, old couches, everything.

    4. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

      If nobody wants it, what is the point of its continued existence? If it’s not useful, it has no sentimental or cash value, it’s way to big to store just because, and nobody else wants it, then you need to just get rid of it. No reason to guilt trip yourself.

      Do try on Buy Nothing first though. Maybe somebody else does want it.

      The oak frame might possibly be of interest as recyclable material to a woodworker. I can technically think of things you can do with a large chunk of kind of grody cotton, presuming it’s actually biodegradable, but it’d be way more trouble to find someone who can use it than it’d be worth. Just toss it.

      1. Melissa*

        Agree with this. First make some attempt to see if anyone wants it. Then, if not, landfill. To be honest, everything we own is eventually headed for the trash, it just takes longer for some things than others.

        I have been involved in de-cluttering a church recently. The bane of my existence is the one parishioner who always insists “someone might want it!” to every item, no matter how old, dirty, out of date it is. And it’s like, well, a hypothetical someone somewhere MIGHT want it, but nobody DOES want it.

      2. Victoria, Please*

        Chuckle, I agree with you completely, but I have imbued this bed with sentient characteristics for its long and faithful service.

    5. Emma*

      Put it on the curb and post it on the craigslist free page with “curb alert – free couch!”

      Add a few pictures, an honest description that both sells it a little and recounts flaws. And state in the description that you’ll remove the listing when it’s gone.

      We did this and someone came for our less than desirable couch! Sometimes a couch is better than no couch.

    6. Chaordic One*

      My father is a very tall man and really doesn’t fit in beds with standard size mattresses. Your extra-long futon (and frame) sounds like it would be perfect for someone who is extra tall. Please try to find a new owner for it.

    7. SofiaDeo*

      A local dog shelter takes ours. Not the Humane Society, smaller local one. They can always use old mattresses, blankets, pillows, towels.

    8. Mac (I Wish All The Floors Were Lava)*

      I am pretty sure there are a forums for folks trying to outfit vans on the cheap (I can’t remember any names off the top of my head, but the book Nomadland probably referenced a few by name). It’s possible posting there would get some bites.

  51. MechanicalPencil*

    I’ve been trying to simplify life a bit. Does anyone have a robot/roomba style vacuum that they recommend? Worth it or no?

    I know it’s not a replacement for actually vacuuming, but having resident pets and also fostering creates a neverending amount of pet glitter.

    1. Sloanicota*

      Just my personal 2 cents, it’s not a time saver for me. They get tangled in cords, they climb up anything with a base like my cat tree and then get stuck, and they can’t get out from under the legs of my chairs. It takes me too long to prep a room before I can leave the robot unattended, and then I have to come back and rescue it. My roomba is more of a pet.

      2. Filosofickle*

        I had the same experience. It took so much prep work that I could vacuum in less time than the prep alone. And it couldn’t go under key pieces, including my sofa. It shut down when it got to my striped carpet. It amused me but it didn’t work for me. I guess other people have fewer obstacles on their floors!

      3. trilusion*

        What a visual! I have asked friends in the past and they all reported something like this, rearranging furniture in order for the roomba to run – and they all keep a normal vaccuum as well, because there are always areas the roomba misses (like behind a plant stand or under a couch that the roomba doesn’t fit under). This is one of the reasons I haven’t gotten a roomba. I hate vacuuming, but if I have to do it every 4-6 weeks (ymmv, I don’t have hairy pets) anyway because of areas the roomba missed, then it’s not much of a help.

        I still love the idea of leaving the house and while I’m away, a magic elf roomba cleans and I come back to a clean floor, though.

    2. ThatGirl*

      I have a Roomba. It’s got good and bad points. It’s nice to not have to physically vacuum and I find it does a solid job of getting dust and dirt. It fits under the coffee table and in some other tight spaces.
      But, it can get tangled in cords and occasionally the edges of rugs. I always pick up/move cords and other small things before I run it. And I close our powder room door because it can get itself trapped in there. Also ours is not extra “smart” so it takes a good hour to crisscross the first floor, which I can vacuum by hand in ~10 minutes.

    3. Porch Screens*

      I’ve got two of the older model Roombas (675 & 677 models) and will run one or both of mine when I get home from work in the morning as the hour or two I have during that time tends to be when I do small upkeep tasks (take out the trash, run the dishwasher, start some laundry) before going to bed. They’re definitely not a replacement for a proper vacuuming but I appreciate that they can help mitigate the worst of the cat hair and cat litter (and other dirt) each day until I either have the time (or the energy) to do a bigger clean. So far I’ve not had any major issues with either of mine – if that trend continues, I’ll consider investing in the ‘smart’ versions that actually map your home when I inevitably need to get a new one.

    4. Lemonwhirl*

      We had a Roomba years ago. It was grand, but then our elderly dog started to have random poop incontinence, and around this time, we saw a post about what happens when a Roomba meets dog poop. It was sufficiently horrifying to put us off running the Roomba. And now someone is home all the time, and the Roomba is noisy and takes so much longer than a person doing the same job.

      1. Stunt Apple Breeder*

        I can confirm the dog poop fiasco, and will add that our robot efficiently gathered urine off the hardwood floor as well. Until it shorted out, that is.

        We have the new, house-mapping version of the Shark that self-empties. It has gotten stuck twice (far less often than the ‘dumb’ vacuum) and we run it 5 days a week. It’s really just a motorized floor sweeper but it does keep the hair tumbleweeds to a minimum.

    5. The Other Dawn*

      I have multiple cats and it’s been a great way to minimize the amount of cat hair floating around in rooms with no carpeting, and minimizing the appearance of cat hair in carpeted rooms.

      Last year we got a basic Roomba. No bells or whistles. It just vacuumed a random pattern and returned to the dock when it was finished or the battery was low. It got stuck quite often, mostly underneath the coffee table or the wood stove. It was fine and helped with the cat hair and litter tracking, but I wasn’t dazzled by it.

      This year for Christmas my husband bought me a Shark robot vacuum out of the blue and I love it. It’s much better than the basic Roomba. It has a tank in the base so it can empty the dirt cup itself, which is great. It will go back to the base and empty the cup when full, then go back out and vacuum some more if it wasn’t done. I had it map the house and in the app I assigned rooms. With that feature I can tell it to vacuum only certain rooms. I can also tell it to spot clean; do a “deep” clean, which just means it will double over those rooms I choose for that function; and also eco clean, which is just a quick vacuum. The vacuum is fairly quiet. Definitely not as loud as the Roomba we have. As with any other robot vacuum, though, you still have to make sure cat toys are picked up, as well any anything else you don’t want sucked up in the vacuum.

    6. KatEnigma*

      We have a Roborock because you can put up invisible “walls” to prevent the roborock from going into areas where they are more likely to get tangled in things.

      After you run in for a few times, usually it finds all the kid socks and things to get stuck on, and you can proceed without as many issues. But.. it doesn’t do as good of a job as a real vacuum. So if you run it every day, since it runs automatically, it does a better job than nothing in keeping the hair and dust picked up. And they are much better than the old models (had an original Roomba) where it took me longer to clean the brush of cat hair than to actually VACUUM. So.. YMMV. LOL

    7. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I have two cats and two dogs, all short haired, and I had to empty the thing every ten minutes and babysit it because if there was ANYTHING on the floor it got caught up. (There are self emptying ones but they’re like eight hundred bucks. :-P )

    8. DistantAudacity*

      For …reasons I decided to get the super duper mega advanced will shine your shoes (will not shine your shoes) Roborock V7 Ultra Pro (or something like that).

      It has a bigger station, so it self-cleans the mop, adds water automatically and also empties it self. The spot cleaning algorithms, and other algorithms, are greatly improved. It’s also good at mopping floor and vacuuming carpets (you can configure this).

      I’m very pleased with it, even if it cost way too much.

      I have to fill up and empty water tanks every once in a while, and I also add a dash of aporoved-for-robot-use to the water, to improve cleaning. I find it cleans, rather than maintains, much more than my old model.

      Also, the app in general is good at setting up borders, no-go zones, defining rooms, cleaning routines etc. Much of this is regardless of model. But you need to do tbis when you start, especially no-go areas.

      For pets I would highly recommend. You’d need to manage your cables, tbough!

    9. MissCoco*

      We have a roomba, it lives in our bedroom and does a sweep most days, we constructed a “barricade” for cords out of strategically placed furniture and some boxes under the bed, so all we have to do is a quick scan for any socks that fell out of the laundry hamper and maybe pick a charger cord up of the floor. My husband likes it partially because I have to keep stuff off the floor.

      It’s great for us and the guinea pigs that live in our bedroom (hay is always on the floor, even seconds after you vacuum), but I’d go with a model that self-empties the bin in the future, because the roomba does have a very small reservoir.

    10. fposte*

      I have a Eufy that I use for a couple of rooms, mainly my bedroom, and a Jet Braava robomop that I mainly use for the kitchen. I have cleaners once a month so this is for spaces they don’t go or for maintenance in between.

      It’s very dependent on how your space lives, I think. I find the one-room-at-a-time approach the most useful as it limits what has to get put out of the way, and I also arrange the room to limit that as well. So I won’t, say, buy a rug with fringe again because robots want to eat it. (If you have cats you may have already come to that decision.) I’m also using them in rooms that can get closed up easily without adding robot-specific boundaries (though there is a one-touch one on the robot mop that I use).

      So overall I’d weigh them against how much I’d have to pick up for them to be useful in a given space.

      1. BookMom*

        I have a Eufy that runs daily in the finished but lightly furnished basement. I love that it cleans up the kicked cat litter and scattered kibbles and fluffs the carpet! I do a quick glance each morning to pick up cat toys or other items that could get caught or tangled but i I miss one, the Eufy just stops and beeps for a while, then shuts down if it isn’t rescued.

        I tried it on the main floor of the house when it was new and there was too much going on, small rooms, lots of furniture legs, etc, that made it not able to manage. And it didn’t really get into corners and little spots that collect dust and cat hair. But for the basement it’s fantastic!

    11. Jay (no, the other one)*

      We just bought a Roomba and I am very happy with it. My husband wanted to get one of the self-emptying ones until we read the reviews – multiple people said it sounded like an airplane taking off. The one we bought “talks” to an app which notifies us when it needs to be empty, so that works just fine. He used the app to map our ground floor and we have it vacuum the kitchen every night and the rest of the space three times a week, always at 2:00 AM. We sleep upstairs and it never wakes me up. It also responds to voice commands through Siri.

      It did once get tangled in the power cord from the computer which was dangling off the table. Now we pick that up before we go upstairs. We don’t have any other exposed cords – we have a lot of overhead lights and the lamps in the living room plug in behind the couch. We had a very old one years ago that used to shut itself in the powder room (it would trundle in, bang into the door, the door would shut, and that was that) so we took that room off the map – it’s not used very much. The house looks much neater and I’m happier and more relaxed.

    12. Pocket Mouse*

      We have a Cordey, and it’s pretty great for pet glitter (love that phrase). The battery is not stellar though, and it’s fairly basic, which works for us. We tend to let it roam in one prepped room at a time while we’re doing things in other rooms. It does get stuck sometimes and beeps for help, which I consider part of its charming personality.

    13. Onomatopoetic*

      We inherited an old Roomba. As others have said, if your apartment / house is cluttered it’s not much use, but we use it in the bedroom, which has a double bed in a corner, which makes it a pain to vacuum under it.

  52. Repurposing tshirts*

    I have a lot (30-40) old t-shirts in decent condition that I no longer wear but would like to keep for sentimental reasons. They’re currently in a bin at the bottom of my closet right now. I’d appreciate any suggestions of how to better honor/use them. Thank you!

    1. CanadianTechWorker*

      T-shirt quilts, I’ve never done one before but that’s my plan with my current stack of T-shirts.

      1. Repurposing tshirts*

        Thanks for the suggestion! This sounds perfect for using up a lot of them in one project. Hopefully it’s not too challenging a project for a novice to tackle…

        1. mreasy*

          If you can see a straight seam you should be fine. You won’t be incorporating the t-shirt stretch so you can treat it as woven fabric basically. I made one and it was easy!

      2. Repurposing tshirts*

        This sounds perfect for curling up on the couch on a cold winter day, thanks for the suggestion! Was it a lot of work to make? Would you recommend it for someone who has very basic sewing experience (only sewn buttons by hand)?

        1. Liminality*

          I did it using a straight stitch on a basic sewing machine. I used a standard square/rectangle to cut the t-shirts to best display the details/images on them. I used a large rectangle of fuzzy fleece fabric for the backing and also on the front as a grid of three inch strips between the t-shirt squares. I used a cotton bed sheet for “batting” between the two layers, mostly so I’d have something with a bit more structure as all the t-shirt pieces/fleece strips were kindof stretchy. I sewed the t-shirts and grid fabric into strips and then sewed the strips together to make the rectangle top of the blanket. Then I put the top together with the bedsheet and the bottom rectangle and “quilted” them together by sewing directly over the same grid line seams of the t-shirt squares and grid-stripes. Then I used another strip of the fleece to make a binding, but you could also just turn the raw edges under and then stitch around the edge to close it. This could all potentiality be done by hand. It would definitely take longer.

    3. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

      Don’t know if you sew and have babies in your life, but you can turn t-shirts into onsies or other baby clothes. Bonus points if they’ve already been washed soft. And grown-up band tees are adorable baby clothes, maybe because Guns N’ Roses aren’t usually used for baby stuff.

      You can use any baby pattern that you have enough material for, which is most of them because babies are tiny.

      1. Repurposing tshirts*

        Thank you for the suggestion! I am at that stage where most of my friends are starting to have kids, so this could work great. Unfortunately my sewing experience is very basic (only sewn buttons by hand). Is this a doable project for a novice to learn?

        1. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

          So on the one hand baby clothes are perfect for beginners-they are so tiny that there isn’t much work to make them and if you mess up you haven’t wasted much material. On the other hand, knit material is a bit tricky for beginners. It’s easy to get it stretched while cutting or sewing and then your finished piece is wonky. Also, you CANNOT sew a normal seam, because normal seams do not stretch at all and just break when the material stretches. Are you thinking of hand sewing the whole thing? I’ve bound the openings by hand (which is honestly most of the sewing), but never the side or arm seams. Google hand sewn stretch seam and see what you think.

          It’d probably be a fun way to start sewing if you want to learn how. Grab a cheap tee from the thrift store so you don’t care if you mess it up and a free pattern from online and go to town. I’d expect the first one to be kinda wonky but hey, it didn’t cost much to make and the next one will be way better. But if you don’t want to take up sewing as a hobby, this would definitely not be a easy way to use up t-shirts.

          I do think that baby clothes made from graphic tees are are the cutest thing ever and a GREAT gift if you have a tee shirt that’s just right for the parents. The baby doesn’t care, of course, as long as it’s soft.

    4. Not my usual name*

      Check out ebay – if any are rare or obscure you could get silly money for them.

      A friend sold a Japanese anime shirt from the 90s for over £250 this week – he’d bought it in a sale bin at the time for £3

    5. YNWA*

      I use Project Repat to make quilts out of old t-shirts. I have three so far and I’m collecting shirts for a 4th.

    6. Happy New Year*

      If you decide not to make a quilt out of them, take pictures of all of them and make a photo collage!

    7. Mac (I Wish All The Floors Were Lava)*

      Since you mentioned your friends are having kids, you can also do what I did and just hang on to a few of your top faves for a couple more years and then pass them down to the kids. For me, at least, knowing that the next generation of people I love are enjoying them satisfies the sentimental urge.

    8. Repurposing tshirts*

      Thanks all for the great suggestions! I’m going to think it over and see what feels best. Have a good week!

  53. NeonFireworks*

    I’ve forgotten the name of a blog I used to follow and haven’t been able to find it in my browser history or in any searches. This is finally starting to annoy me, so I’ve decided to ask around and see whether anyone recognizes it from this description.

    Around early 2019 or 2020, anyway, it was mainly white with a red logo or header image. Run by either one guy or a small group of people. It was basically about things that seem very trivial or ordinary from a distance but are well worth a close examination. Often about technology. I think the article I found the most engrossing was about the history of computer memory or interner security or something like that. Thanks for any ideas!

    3. anon7557*

      99% Invisible and Reply All are podcasts and not really blogs, but you might find them interesting.

    6. NeonFireworks*

      Thanks, everyone! It was quite an obscure blog with occasional longform articles, and I think it was called “The _______” and self-deprecatingly named after something that sounds really dull at a glance?

      Damn Interesting is a good lead because I’m pretty sure I found this blog through them via a link in their column of daily interesting things on other sites! I might go comb through the archive of those.

      Also going to try the subreddit – thanks!

  54. Blue hair...and skin :(*

    For the last year and a half, I’ve been dying my hair blue. I love it and don’t want to change it. I have it done professionally, and the color is a lovely vivid blue. I go ever 3-4 months to have my roots dyed and the color freshened up.

    The only problem is that the last two times I’ve gone, the color is coming off very easily. Of course, I expect that it will slowly wash out, that’s not the problem. The problem is that any skin that my hair touches is picking up a blue tint. My ears and neck especially and also my hands if I scratch my head or touch my hair and also any clothes that touch my hair. The clothes aren’t a huge deal because it washes out easily enough, but it’s incredibly annoying to have to wipe down my face and neck when I leave the house and know that I am slowly becoming smurf-like the whole time I am in public.

    Anyone encountered this issue? my hairdresser has speculated that the hairdye (evo staino) changed their formulation recently and that’s why it’s happening now. Any advice on how to deal with this issue? Is it just a cost of having blue hair?

    1. Vistaloopy*

      First, I want to say that blue is the loveliest hair color ever and I salute you for doing this.
      I’ve had a blue streak dyed in my hair a few times and always seem to have this problem for the first 2-3 days after I get it done, but after that it goes away. Of course, the color doesn’t last very long in my hair either. So I don’t really have any solutions for you, but sympathy.

      1. Reba*

        Yes, I have a reply in the spam filter, I think, but the gist of it was this! Try other color brands and try a bond repair treatment at some point.

      2. trilusion*

        I have had good results with the “directions” brand. If you wash them out properly, they don’t bleed.

    3. Courageous cat*

      Also, I think hot water may wash color out more easily so maybe try washing your hair with cold and see if that helps

    4. Reba*

      Have you talked with your hairdresser about bond repair treatments? Olaplex is popular but there are several others out there now. Bleach damage is cumulative, so it’s likely that your hair strands are becoming more porous, i.e. less and less able to hold on to the blue color molecules, through repeated lifting and coloring.

      That said, with a quick search of Evo staino I saw a reddit post with similar complaints, so it would be well worth asking your hairdresser if she can try another brand of color (Pulp riot, Pravana, Matrix…). If your colorist can’t do this or doesn’t propose solutions to try, you may need to switch unfortunately! She should be able to remove the existing color (I recommend this step because the color is bleeding/transferring) and try again with another brand.

      I’m not as bold as you but I do treasure my purple streaks :)

    5. SofiaDeo*

      I use a product from Ardell called Lights & Brights, it’s a “hair color enhancer” that acts as a sealer. I also used to get something like this at Vidal Sassoon post coloring that they called a “glossifier”. Ideally it’s put on immediately after coloring, when the hair is still wet, before any other product. You are seeking the “semi permanent” application of the “clear” (it does comes in tints, including blue) that wears off after 6 weeks or so, and it locks the color in well, for me. I mention “ideally” because Vidal Sasson got soooo expensive for the “glossifier” add on, I stopped asking for it in the salon, and applied it at home after a color appointment. I waited 2 days before washing post color to let the color really set, and used cold water to wet my hair then applied as instructed. My hair was straight, IDK how easy this would be if your style involves a lot of hair product of some sort. That would need to be washed out for best results. I also purchased a heat cap to help seal the product for best results; in the salon they sat me under a dryer.

    6. just another queer reader*

      Huh, interesting!

      I’ve dyed my hair a number of colors (pink, purple, orange, etc) , mostly at home with Arctic Fox. I haven’t noticed color coming off except during a shower. That being said, blue might be a particularly noticable color – maybe the shades of red blend in with my (pinkish) skin?

      I agree with the suggestion of trying a different brand. And if there’s an occasion where you don’t want to worry, maybe wearing your hair half-up would keep the blue off your ears.

      I also wonder if your hairdresser has any ideas on ways to get the color to “stick” better (pretreatments, products, temperatures) or ways to “encapsulate” it (conditioners/ gel)?. Just spitballing here!

      Good luck! Please report back!

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I’ve been using Arctic Fox at home for years, in blues, teals, purples and greens mostly, and never had color coming off on my skin – like, even when I’m freshly dyed and rinsing the goop out of my hair, it still doesn’t color my skin as it goes, and it definitely has never colored my skin after that point.

    7. Jay (no, the other one)*

      Mine is pink, also professionally done, and I’ve had this problem with some formulations of the color (not the current one). Talk to your stylist and ask her what to do. She can either recommend a product to “seal” your hair or switch the color formulation or brand or both.

  55. Reading recs*

    Less a question than an observation, which I’m curious whether other folks have observed. (I may repost next week, since I’m a bit late in the weekend here.)

    Looking for professional advice this weekend, I wound up on some old old old posts, from 2008 and 2012, about the need to be concise and brief in phone screens. There was …. a lot of unquestioned ableism in the replies, just a bunch of assuming that OF COURSE folks can pick up on body language and subtext or cues that you’re running too long, and OF COURSE rambling on is a “serious character flaw.” One poster said that if she passed through a long-winded candidate, the hiring manager would want to “k*** them,” meaning the candidate.

    It was, quite frankly, shocking, especially given the site’s reputation these days as a place that accounts for divergence and difference almost to a fault. I didn’t find the site until 2016ish (the “I won’t let my star employee go to her own graduation” post) so I missed a lot of this.

    Am I the only one who’s seen this? If you’ve been around for a long time, have you seen this?

    1. annie*

      The comments in the early years were different in a lot of ways, sometimes it’s funny to read them when I come across an old post from that long ago. Society has changed on those issues too so I’m not surprised it’s reflected in comments here but also I think you’d still see some of those same assumptions on a lot of sites right now (to your example, there’s still not going to be a lot of allowance for rambling on and on in an interview.)

      1. Reading recs*

        And, to be clear, because this is important to me –– the problem is not “allowance,” which seems to imply that anything goes, obvs professional norms exist! And it’s good to teach people them, it’s why I hang out on this site!

        It’s the outright ableism in conflating “rambling” with a character flaw, and bypassing the way that subtext/cues like “we have X amount of time left” (the example given in the old post) is just going to Not Be Picked Up On by many ND folks (I 100% would not pick up on it.) There’s a lot of hostility and misunderstanding of difference.

        1. E*

          Thanks for this. Im trying to learn more and recognize my biases and make sure they don’t harm people. Not what you came here for , but would you mind explaining what would be better than “we have X amount of time left” ? That sounds pretty direct to me so I am wondering what I am missing or what would be a better alternative, so I can improve. Thank you in advance!

          1. Hlao-roo*

            I’m not Reading recs, but I think “we have X amount of time left, so let’s move on to the next question” or “we have X amount of time left, so please keep your answers short so we can get through all the questions” are better than just “we have X amount of time left.” It sounds direct to you because you can hear the unspoken subtext but not everyone can so it’s good to tell people what you want them to do.

      2. NeonFireworks*

        Yeah, I’m really dismayed by how recently I can find seriously ableist stuff in my own words. But that just goes to show how much I’ve learned. Which doesn’t excuse earlier actions, but better late than never, I guess. I hope to continue to listen and do better than I used to.

    3. yo*

      I’m not excusing their behavior but I think you also need to remember how different the world was back then. Ableism wasn’t really talked about in the way it is now (and it still needs to be addressed by the broader public in a lot of ways). This was the era when it was still acceptable to call things “gay” or use the r-word.

    4. Double A*

      Just to put some social progress in perspective, in 2008 the state of California passed a gay marriage ban. It’s kind of amazing how much things have changed in that time frame.

      Incidentally in the subsequent time it doesn’t seem like kindness or empathy has really increased even as people are more aware of diverse ways of being, so I don’t know what to make of that.

      1. Double A*

        I’m going to elucidate my thoughts more because I responded in annoyance and that’s probably not helpful.

        I think it is at best unhelpful and at worst damaging to judge the past by the standards of the present.

        I think it is more healthy for us and society to look at the past and say, “Wow, we believed/did that then. It’s amazing how much we’ve grown.” Or, “I would have hoped we would have come farther and here’s how we can do better.” Because being shocked and horrified about the past without showing appreciation for growth or an idea about how we can do better? It’s just judging with no chance of redemption, or a way to allow yourself to feel superior, which is incidentally why it makes people so mad.

        Here is a thought you exercise I try. What is something I’m doing today that will horrify people of the future? I then try to explain this behavior to a future human. (My suspicion is that it’s eating meat from animals, which has many parallels to most moral wrongs humans have committed throughout history. I won’t explore this example, but it’s an illuminating experience to try to justify this practice to a future human who lives in a world that has eliminated it.)

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          I think it is at best unhelpful and at worst damaging to judge the past by the standards of the present.
          I really agree with this. Things have changed in 15 years; if your example of people not understanding folks like you is 15 years old… that’s probably not really helpful for understanding how it will work now.

          Point out the problems of the past if you have revanchists arguing to return to (decade they were in elementary school) when life was simple and everyone was united and there were no difficult unsettled questions. But just pointing out that the people in the past were not following current social norms… no they were not. Quite possibly you were not. And a decade or more from now young people may shake their head at something that strikes you as unremarkable now.

    5. I remain, Antole*

      I do not recommend trying to read too deeply into comments in a comment section anywhere, let alone what was said in one 11 years ago… I guess I’m not sure what you’re asking.

    6. RagingADHD*

      People were claiming they could pick up on body language in a phone screen? That sounds fantastical, not ableist.

      I don’t think every job is suited for everyone, so if derailing a conversation and wasting time with irrelevant information would disqualify someone from a job, I don’t think it matters whether the candidate has a disability or not. Rambling is a behavior, not a condition.

      People with certain disabilities might be more prone to rambling, but assuming that anyone who rambles is disabled is pretty gross and ableist, too. It’s very much in the same vein as assuming that people who are rude or creepy must be autistic and unable to pick up on social cues.

      It perpetuates stigma.

      1. Reading recs*

        Sure. For me I’m reading this through the lens of a month ago, having a mentor suggest I may be ND and urge testing and also knowing that being ND for me expresses itself as being unable to pick up on the very cues listed as super obvious in the original thread (e.g. a lot of assumptions that *of course* people would read X cue as a sign to stop talking).

        So I agree with you intellectually but emotionally these comments are just … woof. They’ve made me realize, more than anytime in the last month, what I may be up against if I really am ND.

        1. annie*

          Is this the post?
          https://www.askamanager.org/2023/01/weekend-open-thread-jan-21-22-2023.html#comment-4152715

          The last comment in it, someone says “I just did an interview on Thursday, and the candidate would not stop talking! I literally was only able to ask him/her 3 questions in a 30 minute interview. The interviewee was obviously qualified, but totally sunk his/her chances because I consider the inability to listen to be a serious character flaw. Plus, the position deals with customers, and because this person was so intent on talking non-stop, I’m sure he/she would have come off as arrogant to a customer. What takes the cake though, is that after the interview was over, he/she sent me a 7 (that’s right SEVEN) page email rambling on about nothing. I didn’t even read most of it.”

          Someone else says “If someone talks too much during their phone interview I don’t bring them back for a real interview. Even if everything else is fine. I know the hiring manager will want to kill them if it takes them 7 minutes to answer a question so I don’t waste people’s time.”

          Just 2 comments from internet strangers from 14 years ago.

          I wonder if this is more about other stuff you’re struggling with around the ND suggestion.

        2. Courageous cat*

          I feel like you’re taking it kind of personally, given this background. You don’t even know if you’re considered neurodivergent yet so take a deep breath. Everybody has some irritating qualities, whether they are or are not neurodivergent. It’s not necessarily indicative of anything.

        3. RagingADHD*

          A diagnosis is just information about yourself. It doesn’t change who you are, or make people react differently to the way you’ve always behaved. So if it’s true, you aren’t going to be up against anything that you haven’t already been dealing with your entire life.

          If anything, it gets easier because you have tools and resources.

      2. bratschegirl*

        I haven’t seen the post in question, so I can’t say for sure, but I think you’re misunderstanding and that nobody is saying that anyone claimed they could pick up body language in a phone screen. Rather, I think what was likely said was something on the order of “you need to pay extra attention, in a phone screen, to make sure you don’t run on too long, because you won’t have the interviewer’s body language and other clues you’d have in a face to face interview *which of course everyone would pick up on with no difficulty*

        1. RagingADHD*

          I’m responding to what Reading recs said above. I don’t think anyone in their right mind would have said they could read body language on the phone.

          I think that perhaps they are conflating different comments about different subjects in an unrealistic (and unhelpful) way.

    7. Ginger Pet Lady*

      Old posts here? Or on FB? Or some blog, new site, etc?
      If they were here, from Alison, or from commenters?
      I guess I just don’t know what you’re ranting (or “observing”) about and what kind of feedback you want about your feelings about decade + stuff you came across.

    8. Dark Macadamia*

      I haven’t noticed this type of thing with AAM in particular but experience it a lot with TV. I’ve been rewatching Bones, which originally aired 2005-2017 and I probably started watching around 2010 or later, and some of it is just atrocious. For example, there’s a whole episode where they “hilariously” try to figure out an androgynous character’s “real” gender and another where it takes these genius characters a shockingly long time to figure out that a victim with femme clothing, breast implants, and a masculine skeletal structure is trans. With a lot of media that came out in the past 10-15 years I don’t even realize how much the culture has changed until I’m like THAT was okay? IN THE 2010S??

      I try to view it with pride/relief that I and society are learning so quickly I don’t even remember how different things used to be in my own adult life.

    9. SofiaDeo*

      I don’t know why it’s “shocking” to look back and see that society was different a decade ago. It was. Some norms change. Others, thankfully, don’t. And please remember to read many of the comments here as coming from a point of “constructive criticism” not “value judgement” when people talk about things like a “character flaw”. Because I can see where a manager, when discussing the strengths and weaknesses of staff and candidates with other managers, may have used language like “character flaw” as a descriptive assessment a decade ago when discussing a person’s work. It’s not a value judgement regarding the person *as a person*. But it could easily be seen that way, so we try not to use words like this, that can be more easily misinterpreted. IMO this is a huge part of the “unable to take constructive criticism” comments that are discussed nowadays. Managers need to be mindful to use language that leaves no doubt that this is a description of work/work process being discussed, and staff need to be reminded that works problems/issues aren’t a judgement of their overall description or worth as a human being. This is still in flux IMO, as some people aren’t as careful with their words as they could be, or use words easily misinterpreted, and then instead of asking questions about *what the person actually said*, assumptions get made.

      I enjoy the older posts, but wouldn’t necessarily depend on them for what is relevant today. As well as not assume ableism/hostility from them. Some of the “of course” things, were based on what was considered generally socially acceptable. Since times have changed and we have evolved, what may have been acceptable in the past (like my boss snapping his fingers at me to get my attention) isn’t done today. But I doubt my boss was intending to be rude/mean, it’s just what people did. Until enough said, “you know, we really don’t like this, it comes across like we are peons or servants of the king in days of old who had to jump or would get beheaded/other severe consequence” and things changed. Not to disregard the truly hostile things people did, and continue to do. Just, as things continually change, what may have been acceptable in the past changes as we evolve/change.

    10. Melody Pond*

      I think I get what you’re saying, especially if you’re going through an evaluation for ND stuff. It sounds like you are doing some processing around understanding who you are/might be, and at the same time realizing that the world… isn’t very accepting or accessible for this group of people?

      I get it. I was diagnosed as autistic in late 2021, and I’ve had many similar moments of… I suppose I might call them “disappointing realizations”. It’s a hard thing to process! First, there’s all these complicated feelings around realizing things about yourself that maybe make a lot more sense in a ND context. And then, it can be a very sobering experience to realize that the world… just doesn’t tend to make space for you, as you are. Or, in some cases even actively hates/fears you (never on AAM of course).

  56. Griffyn*

    Often in life I’ve felt like the third wheel to friends who are dating, married, or two really close friends. I’m not jealous or mad at them for their friendship, far from it! But it does hurt to feel like I’m making it awkward or they’d be having a better time if I wasn’t there. How do I go about approaching this topic with these different groups without making it awkward or hurting anyone’s feelings? Is there even a way?

    1. Still*

      That sounds though, I’m sorry.

      Why do you need to approach it with them? What would you like to say and what are you hoping the result will be?

    2. Hlao-roo*

      But it does hurt to feel like I’m making it awkward or they’d be having a better time if I wasn’t there.

      Where are these feelings of awkwardness/”they’d have a better time if I weren’t here” coming from? Are you picking up on some body language or behaviors when you’re out with a couple? Or just generally worried/feeling left out because you don’t have a significant other?

      Another thing to pay attention to is: who is inviting whom? If you are invited Bob and Susan (who are dating) to do an activity, and they accept the invite, don’t feel like they’d have more fun without you. Without you, odds are good they would not have done that activity. If Bob and Susan invite you to go out with them, then they clearly enjoy your company and do not feel they would have more fun without you. If you invite Bob and he always brings Susan along (or vice versa), then there’s room to have a “sometimes I want some one-on-one time with you instead of BobandSusan time” conversation.

    3. PollyQ*

      But it does hurt to feel like I’m making it awkward or they’d be having a better time if I wasn’t there.

      I’m wondering where this feeling is coming from. Unless you literally crashed their date, why would you assume they’d have a better time without you? Presumably they voluntarily chose to spend social time with you with the idea that you’d all enjoy it, no? But if they do seem to be hinting that your presence is somehow unwelcome (again, when spending time together was the plan), then they’re crappy friends and crappy people, and the solution may be to stop spending time with them at all.

    4. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Mike, is that you? I’ve been telling you for SEVEN YEARS, your mom does not know what she’s talking about and we do not resent having you live with us and we are not going to throw a party when you move out; in fact, we’re pretty darn bummed about it, even though we’re happy for you.

      From someone who, as you may guess, has been in your friends’ shoes: Trust them. If you’re making things weird or they really don’t want you around, they are grownups and can use their words, but telling your friends you think they’re just faking enjoying your company and you’re pretty sure they want you not to be there is kind of the epitome of awkward and insulting, and also comes across a little attention-seeking, whether you mean it that way or not.

    5. E*

      I’ve also felt like the third wheel, I think more about wishing for a partner myself than feeling like the couple would have more fun without me. But I can understand how you would feel that way.

      Now that I’m in a relationship, I see it from the other side — couples tend to spend a LOT of time together and often really crave new company and different perspectives. I bet you are a breath of fresh air for them!

    6. Eyes Kiwami*

      Married and long-time partners are often excited just to have someone new to hang out with.
      Why don’t you arrange some 1-1 time with each party? That might help you realize what you like about this individual, not just about them+partner as a set.

  57. trilusion*

    And while you’re on Society6: If you find an artwork there that you love, they can print it for you in different sizes and in different ways, e.g. poster, canvas, wall hanging or even on a shower curtain

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