weekend open thread – April 1-2, 2023

by Alison Green on March 31, 2023

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand.

Here are the rules for the weekend posts.

Book recommendation of the week: Sam, by Allegra Goodman. This follows Sam from age seven though young adulthood as she navigates a father who comes and goes, a mother who desperately wants Sam to avoid making the same mistakes she did, the attention of an older man, and her own sense of self. There’s something almost trance-like about it.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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  1. Ask a Manager* Post author

    A reminder that the weekend posts are for relatively light discussion — think dinner party or office break room — and comments should ask questions and/or seek to discuss ideas. Recommendations or one to two updates on things you received advice about in the past are fine, but “here’s an update on my life” personal-blog-style posts are not. The full rules are here.

  2. Daily reader, rare commenter*

    Looks like Olive’s discovered the catnip stash. That zoned-out kitty smile is hilarious :)

      2. RLC*

        At our house we call this pose “the anglerfish” as unsuspecting tummy-touchers are being lured in for an attack.

    1. Roland*

      I made one (though my recipe was for grated not sliced) and it was… okay. I didn’t really see the appeal even though I’m a big potato fan. I wouldn’t do it again unless it was for Passover or for someone who can’t eat gluten or something.

    2. Cookies For Breakfast*

      I made one years ago and really liked the end result. However, slicing and arranging the potatoes in the tin is time-consuming comparing to rolling out store-bought pastry, so I ended up never making it again.

      1. Doc is In*

        I used a mandolin to slice the potatoes. You can even leave the skin on if you like.

    5. just another queer reader*

      Yep, many times! This is how I usually make quiche actually. It’s a great option if you don’t have dough on hand or are cooking gluten free.

    6. Missb*

      I’ve also used roasted sliced carrots and roasted sliced sweet potatoes as a base.

      Glutenfreegoddess has a recipe, iirc.

    8. Esprit de l'escalier*

      I tried it one time and didn’t enjoy the result, but I have shredded potatoes in my food processor for a crust several times to make a gluten-free quiche and always enjoyed it. I don’t think it was any more work than making a home-made pastry crust, just different work.

    9. Single Noun*

      I’ve found that the quiche just kind of melds with the potatoes so instead of distinct custard and crust you have a crustless potato+whatever quiche, but hey, still tasty. (Thawing potato puffs and squishing them between two pie pans has a similar problem but less so, maybe because it’s more solid so pouring the egg in doesn’t disturb it?)

  4. What's your secret?*

    What is your favourite brand of pantyhose? I started wearing them again after MANY years of not wearing them. I’m back into wearing skirts and dresses, so I need something on my legs in the non-summer months. I find the quality of pantyhose has gone down a lot. I’m lucky to get one wear out of a pair of Secret brand pantyhose and I pay about $8 per pair. What is the best brand? What do you wear instead of pantyhose that is sheer enough? Thank you!

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I do not go bare-legged by personal preference, and right before Covid, I splurged on a pair of Sheertex tights. They are unrippable. The review I read, the reviewer had put them on and had her husband try to pick her up by the tights – she and husband gave up before the tights did. When I got mine, they came with a spare piece of the material for you to try to damage. I gouged at it with multiple sets of dog claws, cat claws, my engagement ring and other pointy jewelry, the buckles on some shoes – nothing at all. They are truly indestructible. And if you google “CNN Sheertex tights” they apparently are on sale today.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        “To skip to the question we all want answered, are these tights actually unbreakable in human hands? Absolutely, yes. I pulled on them as hard as I could, as did my partner — who is much larger and stronger than I am. We pulled on opposite ends of the tights in what was perhaps the potentially most expensive game of tug-of-war that has ever been played. He even tried to pick me up by my tights, and though the results were suboptimal, we failed before the tights gave in. At the end, we were both sweating and defeated, but the tights were still free of any rips, tears or holes.”

        The review cracked me up.

      2. UncleFrank*

        I actually DID manage to rip my sheertex! I picked up something with velcro and the velcro stuck to the tights, and they ripped a hole getting it off. That said, the hole (about the size of a nickel) hasn’t run at all and it’s high enough up on my leg that I can still wear them with more midi-length dresses so I would totally buy another pair!

        1. Loreli*

          Evil Velcro. I hate coats & jackets that have Velcro closures over the zipper. Ruined several scarves & spouse ruined some ties by snagging the fabric. Not to mention tights and knit leggings.

        2. MsOctopus*

          I ripped my with a jagged fingernail the first time I put them on, huge bummer:( Everyone else I know seems to have had good luck, though!

      3. What's your secret?*

        Thank you for telling me about Sheertex! I just ordered two pairs in different colours and am excited to give them a try. I hope they’re as amazing as they sound. :)

    2. Blythe*

      I love tights and don’t wear pantyhose. But my favorite tights brand also makes pantyhose. Snag Tights!! Affordable, comfortable, and stand up well. Loooonnnng shipping times in my experience, though.

      1. Madame Arcati*

        Could I just recap a language question I think has come up before? In British English everything is tights if it covers you from toes to waist, but in the US tights = thick/opaque and pantyhose = the sheer sort that ladder easily (bonus Brit term there, you get a ladder in your tights not a run in your pantyhose). Is that correct?

        1. Lilith*

          As a British person, yes that is exactly how I’d use tights. I don’t think we have a way to differentiate between different thickness of tights without using the denier.

          1. Madame Arcati*

            Yes I’m a Brit too and I used to think pantyhose = tights and that was it but I learnt differently from this commentariat!

        2. Anonyme*

          Yes. although in Canada I also see tights to mean thick, opaque, footless (waist to ankle or mid-calf) as well as seeing leggings used synonymously for both footed and non-footed items.

          1. I care too much about tights*

            Leggings are heavier knitwear, have side seams, no crotch gusset, and a sewn waistband usually containing a different material like elastic, and are footless and can be worn as trousers. They should be truly opaque.

            Tights are usually single-layer, have a non-enclosed waistband that is just a thicker weave or a sewn-on band, a crotch gusset (or at least a seam), no side seams and feet with a toe seam — even the most opaque tights are not meant to be worn as trousers and are technically an undergarment.

            Footless tights are tights with a simple ankle hem instead of…you know.

            Pantyhose are very sheer fleshtoned tights and are the disposable descendant of silk stockings, which fell out of fashion in WWII as silk was reserved for the war effort; the development of nylon resulted in nylons, tubular construction with no sexy calf seam (alas!) and the supermarket pantyhose that we all largely ditched as disposable razors got better/cheaper and more women started wearing trousers in workplaxe.

            1. Reba*

              I agree with your definitions except some athletic wear brands have moved to calling their leggings “tights,” or even offering both nearly-identical leggings and tights, really confusing the issue!

        3. BeeMused*

          For decades, yes, that was the distinction. As a little girl I had tights in several bright colors, and felt so grown-up when I switched to sheer pantyhose in my teens. Pantyhose were mostly in shades of brown and black, and had the option of “control top” reinforcement. But for the last 10 years or so, I’ve seen covert pantyhose being sold as “sheer tights,” often with control top. I think it must be a marketing aversion to the word pantyhose.

          1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            I think you’re exactly right – people love to hate pantyhose so marketing has shifted to “sheer tights” in the hopes of avoiding the flak.

        4. FD*

          This is interesting because I (US Midwest) would have said that tights are something that covers you from toes to waist whereas pantyhose only go up to above your knee.

          I would say tights refers to opaque hose whereas stockings refers to translucent hose.

          1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            I’ve lived in the Midwest for 3/4 of my life and never heard anyone say “pantyhose” and not mean, well, hose that cover your panties.

            1. Clisby*

              I lived in the MW for only 9 years, but that’s the only way I heard anyone refer to pantyhose as well. To me, the difference between “pantyhose” and “tights” is that pantyhose are sheer (although they can be colored, you can see skin through them) and tights are not.

              1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

                Yep. If my tattoos are visible through them they’re pantyhose, if not they’re tights.

          2. RussianInTexas*

            I would say tights are opaque and cover from waist to toes, pantyhose are sheer and cover from waist to toes, stockings only go up to or over the knee, and leggings are opaque and don’t go over your feet.

          3. RagingADHD*

            I would call the above the knee kind “stockings,” as in “garter belt and stockings.” Or hose.

            Pantyhose are hose attached to a panty.

          4. fposte*

            Oh, interesting on the “stockings”–I think that’s an older usage from the garter belt days, and it may just have stuck around in some places.

          5. FD*

            Huh maybe I picked it up wrong at some point then! It doesn’t come up in conversation that frequently.

          6. JSPA*

            Etymology: hose are just another old word for stockings, and can be of any length…but hose that incorporate panties are, panty-hose, dehyphenated to, pantyhose.

    3. Refgirl1*

      Why do you feel that you need to wear hose during the non-summer months? (I live in the South and we don’t have non-summer weather, if that is what you mean) In the winter, if I really have to, I wear something that will look good with tights.

      1. RagingADHD*

        I assume because they *want* to, and therefore need to buy some. Because you generally can’t wear pantyhose that don’t belong to you.

      3. Irish Teacher*

        I assumed it was weather related. I live in Ireland and also wear skirts and my legs would get really cold most of the year if I didn’t wear some form of tights with them. In the really cold months – like November to February – I wear the 30 or 40 denier ones, but most of the rest of the year, I wear 20 denier ones. When we get really warm weather, I don’t wear any tights, but some years, it doesn’t get that warm at all and it would be unusual to be able to do that in the autumn and spring.

      4. Ellis Bell*

        Because it’s cold when it’s not summer? Generally? Also, the new types of tights they have now are as comfortable and long lasting as leggings only sleeker and more wearable with choices of sheerness. I like to wear footless and Capri tights well into spring and summer.

      5. The Other Dawn*

        I wear them because I hate the look (on myself) of being bare-legged. Without pantyhose, my legs are practically the color of Casper the Friendly Ghost and I now have spider veins. But even before the veins, I’ve always worn them. It’s not an outrage to like and want to wear pantyhose.

        1. PhyllisB*

          Yep. Us Ladies of A Certain Age certainly need all the help we can get. To me, sheer hose are like foundation for the face; it enhances and minimizes imperfections.
          I like colored tights in the winter too of course, but I’m talking about in the warmer months.

          1. anonanonny*

            Please don’t generalize — your preferences are yours and you are more than welcome to them. However, I’m also a “woman of a certain age,” and I certainly do NOT need help to consider my legs acceptable for display.

      6. I'm A Little Teapot*

        You’re cold. You may have tattoos which you want to cover. You may have religious reasons to limit bare skin. You may feel self-conscious with bare legs – due to skin conditions, bruising or injuries, scars. You may need compression for medical or comfort reasons. You may prefer it for entirely subjective and personal reasons. You may prefer the aesthetics with a particular outfit. You may be wearing something difficult to clean, so protecting the clothing from skin oils is helpful. There’s a lot of reasons.

    4. OyHiOh*

      I like Capizio semi opaque dance tights in whichever color matches my skin best for season. They are sturdier than department store pantyhose and last a lot longer. I can usually get about 3 months wear out of a pair.

      1. Ampersand*

        I got some Capezio tights for a ballet class and wow are they tight! I’m on the smaller side and even the XL feel like they’re strangling me. I know they’re a good, well-known brand…I may be in the minority with this problem. They’re definitely sturdy. That’s probably part of my issue with them.

        1. OyHiOh*

          I wear an XL in most bottoms. The compression is certainly part of what I like about that brand. The tricky part for me is the waistband – some of their models have really super comfortable non binding/pinching waistbands, and some are much less comfortable.

    5. JN*

      I have got a couple pairs of Snag tights. No control top so I don’t feel like sausage. And fun colors if you’re into that. NYT just posted a review of the best tights, worth reading.

      1. Madame Arcati*

        Facebook advertises snag tights to me every three seconds so interesting to have a ‘real’ person’s opinion; I take it you like them? They seem dear over here but if they last well it’s worth considering. Most ads seem to feature the ones with cut-outs so the effect is more like wearing stockings and a suspender belt (which is the opposite of what I want out of tights; a chub-rub guarantee!) but they do normal ones as well?

        1. Lilith*

          I have only good things to say about Snag tights (and also their clothes, I bought one of their skirts a while ago and love it). I’ve never bought any of their stockings/novelty tights, but their bog-standard ones are a staple of my wardrobe and last for ages and ages.

        2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          My Snag product of choice is their chub rub shorts and those are wonderful as well.

        3. Laura Petrie*

          I love them. I have opaque black tights but also an array of patterned and novelty editions plus their leggings. I’ve got long legs and really struggle to find tights that pull right up to my waist.

        4. LD RN*

          I love Snag Tights. I wear the “chub rubs” under dresses any time I’m going to be walking any amount of distance (I’m in the South). I picked up some of their leggings too. I did have a run at the crotch on the chub rubs, but no where else.

        5. SaraK*

          I just yesterday put my foot in a hole in the pavement and fell over. Scraped my knee but my Snags tights didn’t break (and didn’t even ladder). They are pretty great.

        6. OhGee*

          I have five pairs (wool for winter, fishnets, fake garters, black semisheer with polka dots, and a pair of their high waist underwear) and really like them, and yes, they’re one of the only Instagram ad brands they I’ve actually purchased. I love their size inclusivity, too.

        7. Alanis*

          I have 5 or 6 pairs of snag tights. All black and in denier of 50 & 80. I went all in on them before the pandemic to wear with dresses in the winter. They’re super comfortable and they have a short F which is perfect for a 5ft size 20. Interesting to hear they’re expensive in the US. They’re pretty cheap here. £7ish or so. I think I’ve worn them 3 times since March 2020, to funerals :(

    6. Rosie Posie*

      I’m more of a black tights in the winter kinda gal. But I’ve actually had a lot of luck with Hue. They aren’t anything fancy, and they probably aren’t as soft as the one pair of Wolford’s I was gifted. But works well for the price.

      1. Jay (no, the other one)*

        Love Hue. I have their tights (American style – thick, opaque, warm), leggings, and sheer pantyhose. Not cheap. Definitely worth the money – they last, and I wash them in the washing machine.

    7. Ellis Bell*

      I just bought a pair of Falke 30 denier footless and was very impressed. Smooth, comfortable and even though they’re semi sheer they’re obviously indestructible. I’m used to having to go gingerly with sheer tights.

    8. Chief Petty Officer Tabby*

      I wear leggings in non summer weather! I have various weights for the various stages of cold, and they last much longer than pantyhose.

    9. Anonymous 75*

      Hanes Silk Reflection and L’eegs Silken Mist. I live in Florida and wear them whenever I’m wearing a skirt or dress and I can barely feel them and most people don’t realize I’m wearing pantyhose unless I tell them (I tend to wear ones that are my skin tone).

    10. Workerbee*

      Kixies brand, which is an amazing thigh high stay-up brand in a variety of styles. No garter belt needed.

  5. Aphrodite*

    I am interested in online things you have been surprised to find and even more surprised to find you like.

    Mine include an ongoing YouTube video series called Mr Ballen. It is offered by a former Navy SEAL named John Allen who is an interesting storyteller of the weirdly wonderful mysteries he finds. It can be disturbing—people killed by odd ways like getting stuck in chimneys, behind walls or in machinery—but it’s also oddly addictive and even educational.

    I also love anything by Lucy Worsley and you will too if you like British history. One of my favorite videos, and different from most of them, is when she and two professional colleagues explored the medical history Henry VIII, which at least for me was much more intriguing than the usual “six wives” stuff. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h4V7GtafSZw)

    And I have no interest whatsoever in taking a cruise but I love watching Tips for Travelers with Gary Bembridge who cruises multiple times a year and posts a huge number of videos with great information.

    My newest is from Top Fives, which apparently contrary to its name, posts videos that list and talk about the 15 Most … Coldest Cities on Earth, Amazing Beaches, Tallest Structures, Fastest Animals, Illegal Places to Visit, etc.

    I am both terrified of being trapped underground and fascinated by it so Cave Exploring Disasters, MrDeified, Scary Interesting compel me to watch them (and shudder while I am watching).

    So, what do you like? I’d love to find more that draw me in.

    1. Not Australian*

      Yep, I watch several of those too! I would add Steve Marsh – who does tours of Scotland and is interested in everything I am (islands, trains, ferries, etc.) – Emma Cruises (cruise line reviews, can’t help wondering how she pays for it all!), GeoWizard (eccentric Brit plays GeoGuesser and goes on mad ‘missions’), and a couple of *really* Brit-centric ones, Auto Shenanigans (?sp) and Geoff Marshall – road and rail enthusiasts respectively. Also, History Calling, History’s Forgotten People, and – last but by no means least – Cathy Hay, who is one of several YouTubers like Nicole Rudolph and Bernadette Banner who are deeply into recreating historical costume for modern wear: Nicole’s current ‘female Aziraphale’ and Cathy’s ‘Marshall and Snelgrove velvet coat’ are both compulsive viewing.

    2. Cookies For Breakfast*

      Podcasts, as a category, are something I never pictured myself getting into. I absorb information best by reading, and find it way too easy to zone out while listening to people talk.

      I got into The Missing Cryptoqueen during the first 2020 lockdown, and it’s made me realise I actually enjoy an alternative to books or music when I have long stretches of idle time (for example taking a bath, being wide awake in bed too early, WFH solo lunches, or commuting in the morning).

      I’m quite picky about what I listen to. There are some I tried out and dropped halfway through the first episode. For example, I realised I prefer real life stories to fiction (Passenger List didn’t really do it for me), or series where the hosts spend a lot of time chatting casually instead of getting into the subject matter. But if a story is engaging in the right way, I now know I can stick with it in podcast format.

    3. Madame Arcati*

      Lucy Worsley writes some great books too; I’ve just finished Jane Austen At Home which is a biog but based on the places she lived, and how she lived. Fascinating!

    4. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      Oh man, I fell down the ‘restoration’ rabbit hole a few weeks ago. Watching someone restore shoes, sewing machines, old toys, etc was fascinating. Although in the end, some of them are more restored parts than original, its still pretty cool (and relatively relaxing to watch!)

      I also was watching air traffic control YouTubes this week about legendary controller Kennedy Steve.

    5. Holly the spa pro*

      I love Mr. Ballen too. I’m a fan of the strange, dark and mysterious delivered in story format as well.

      Something I got really into for no reason is a YouTube channel called Solo Solo Travel which is a Japanese man who rides trains and does other small trips by himself.

    6. I need coffee before I can make coffee*

      Baumgartner Restoration on YouTube. Came across it a few years ago and then got my wife hooked on it too.

    7. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      I was looking for a recipe for how to make fried rice and stumbled into comedian Nigel Ng’s videos (as his character “Uncle Roger”) critiquing people’s Asian cooking techniques. I’m not much of a cook, and this is not a type of cooking that I’ve ever tried before, but he did inspire me to buy a wok, and I now know that you have to start your fried rice with day-old rice if you want the texture to be correct, plus a lot of other cooking tips that I will never use but find fascinating.

    8. Slightly Less Evil Bunny*

      Thank you for posting the link to the Henry VIII medical video. I listened to it while working around the house yesterday and thought it was really interesting (though they did say that TB was caused by ‘microbacteria’ when that should be ‘mycobacteria’ – an odd slip up, but then again I don’t think anyone one the research panel was a microbiologist). I’ve been rereading some of the C.J. Sansom Shardlake novels, which are set in Tudor England, so the timing was excellent!

      Anything by Dr. Irving Finkel can draw me in – he’s an expert in Mesopotamian history and an amazing lecturer. Google “The First Ghost Stories” to get started.

    9. Sopranohannah*

      I get pretty transfixed by earwax removal videos. I can’t tell you what I find so deeply satisfying about them. A cross between pimple popping and picking a scab, perhaps? I really like Rhys Barber, the Welsh Bob Ross of earwax removal!

      2. Jill Swinburne*

        Haha, we’ve just gone the other way! I hadn’t thought of benefits of Ramadan, though my dog began the dinner time campaign at 3pm.

  7. Girasol*

    Does anyone know a good cure for carpet riffles? Carpets can be long lasting or less expensive or designed to survive just until the builder sells the house. We have that kind. After just a couple years we started getting humps. Is there hope of flattening them and stretching our carpet’s life?

    1. CatCat*

      Yes, you’re looking for a carpet stretcher. You can try and DIY, or pay someone to come do it.

    2. Indolent Libertine*

      Sure. The original installers might just not have stretched it sufficiently tight, or it may have relaxed a bit, etc. Any local carpet store can send their crew to re-stretch it. You’ll probably have to move furniture out of the rooms where they’ll be working, ask the store whether they provide that service or if you need to make other arrangements.

    3. Girasol*

      Carpet stretcher – I never even heard of one. Thanks for the pointer! I’ll go look into it.

    4. Holly the spa pro*

      it’s 100% worth it to have a carpet company come out and stretch your carpet vs diy in my experience. it’s a gigantic hassle to do yourself and not very expensive, in my experience. especially if you want help moving the furniture out of the room.

    5. Nitpicker*

      When I got my first wall-to-wall carpet I was warned that this could happen. The original installers came back and fixed it. They managed to do so without major furniture moving and it worked out fine. (I recently replaced it and expected the same problem but it didn’t happen. Must have something to do with the way the carpet is woven.)

  8. Sloanicota*

    Anyone who is still a pretty big Twitter user (no need to comment if you hate twitter or don’t use it) – do you think the proposed changes to the “for you” section, with only paid subscribers being featured there, will make any difference to your experience? People seem to be freaking out but I just assume everyone will click out of “for you” and into “following.” So far, although I dislike Musk, I’m glad I didn’t delete my account and try to join one of the smaller start ups. It would have been a big time sink for me and TBH my engagement and reach is unchanged. I don’t support the ethics of the platform, but that’s true of Meta and TikTok also to me.

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I already clicked over into Following by default because the “for you” was absolutely nothing of interest for me. Until about a week ago, when it somehow became ALL ZOO PICTURES ALL THE TIME, and I am all in for the zoo critters. And they tend to have blue checks. So if it stays blue checked zoos, then cool, all the critters, and if it goes back to things of no interest, I’ll go back into the Following tab.

      1. Sloanicota*

        I’m ashamed to admit it, but at the moment the “for you” page is in fact more interesting than my “following” page (something I expect will change when it just becomes paid subscribers). I only have the account to promote my side hustle, and as a result, most of the people I follow are in the same businesses promoting something similar. Sigh.

      2. Elle*

        My For You tab was all random Succession accounts, which is fine because I love the show. But now some weird ones are creeping in. I had to block a 9/11 truther. No clue why that popped up.

    2. Teapot Translator*

      For You used to have an advantage for me because it showed me posts I’d missed from people I follow. Following shows tweets in chronological order and I don’t spend all my time on Twitter. But now, there’s no context under For You (is it a like? someone followed by someone I follow?) so it’s a lot of noise for me.

      1. RuledbyCats*

        This is mostly my current experience with For You – a lot of my existing follows, just in whatever order this tab uses. That said, I mostly stay in Following because I want the chronological order. If For You goes to only blue checks, eventually I imagine I will just not use it. I do have accounts on other platforms, so there are places I can land though I think I will not leave Twitter…yet.

    3. Mornington Cresent*

      For me, I use Twitter *almost exclusively* for the For You tab- I used it exclusively for the “Based on Your Likes” feed before that disappeared.

      The way I use Twitter is a little weird- I have thousands of likes, and let the algorithm curate artwork for me to look at. Pixel art and beautiful scenery are two of my faves, but it also pulls in cute pets from Japanese and Korean accounts, because I have likes of art of favourite anime characters and ships from accounts in that area.

      When the For You tab changes to paid accounts only, I’m not sure what my feed will look like. I guess I need to start actually following all the artists I like, because almost none of them have blue ticks and they certainly won’t pull into the feed any more.

      I’ll be interested in seeing what Twitter will choose to show me when the change happens, but I have a feeling the block button and I will be busy.

    4. Falling Diphthong*

      I use Twitter in read-only–I never post, so the engagement metric doesn’t apply to me.

      I recall a couple of months ago having several sharply worded arguments with Twitter about whether it was going to be in “following” (adorable animal videos, geography facts) or “for you” (stuff no one familiar with my reading history on twitter or the web would imagine I care about). So the changes to “for you” will not affect me at all, except when the algorithm tries to force me back into it.

      In my little corner of Twitter, “following” is explained to the frustrated as the obvious way everyone should set up their account, and “for you” is viewed as some sort of malicious joke. The zietgist is that no one will pay for the blue check that “verifies” you are really Eli Lilly Company or whoever else you want to verify yourself as, and the loss of blue legacy means that now you can block anyone with a blue check who shows up in your feed. Also there is a lot of chortling as major orgs announce that they are not paying to be blue.

    5. Falling Diphthong*

      As an experiment I just looked at the For You tab. I would say it is about 1/3 content from accounts I follow, 1/3 content I could see a rational algorithm thinking I might like, and 1/3 random mysteries. (I don’t read Chinese. A number of people/orgs I know nothing about are explaining in “For You” that their blue check is about to vanish so make sure you have the right handle to find their tweets, and one begging users not to block them for having a blue check, they were just trying to fix the engagement issues.)

      In the past it’s tossed up “Here’s a white supremacist!!!!” or “Here’s an insult from a person you don’t know toward another person you don’t know!!!” and yeah, why anything would think this would be engaging to me, or feel personalized to my interests, is a mystery.

    6. MissGirl*

      I’m not a fan. I like the algorithm showing me new things based on my interests. Now it will only show me those people with a blue check. It’ll also be much harder to get eyes on my tweets. I like to post questions about places I’m traveling to or other things with the pertinent hashtags. Now only my few followers will see those questions.

    7. Been There*

      I tried out the website for a couple of weeks after they closed down the api for 3rd-party apps and hated it. Couldn’t figure out the logic for either the following tab or the for you tab. I was very happy when I saw someone mention that Tweetdeck still works, even though it’s nowhere near as good as my old friend Tweetbot.

  9. Red Sunglasses*

    Homeowners, how did you decide how much to spend on a house? Taking into consideration balancing the % of your income spent on mortgage/utilities, your savings and the re-sale value of the house.

    I’m a saver- I rarely spend more than I need to on things. Most of the time this is a good thing but this is the first time I’m buying something that will grow in value and I’m having a hard time not just picking the best sticker price (all things considered). For example, I really want a 2 bedroom but my saver mentality is saying to get a 1 bed. I know the 2 bedroom will be more valuable in the future so this is a ‘splurge’ I’ll take. I’m wondering how you all decided to weigh/balance all of these factors.

    1. Missb*

      Location was our deciding factor. There was only one house in our target neighborhood that we could afford, and Dh found it.

      I think people make decisions on homes for lots of different reasons. Ours wasn’t about the features. It was a very old 3bd/2ba house in the neighborhood that had the school district we wanted.

      (I do suggest getting the 2bd, if nothing else it gives you more elbow room and better resale value.)

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        We’re househunting, and resale value–specifically how fast I would expect the house to sell if we had to move–is a significant consideration.

        A lot of the tradeoffs are emotional ones–something that moves an average house to “nope, not going to look” is something I’m willing to work with in a house where I love, say, the kitchen-dining-living layout.

    2. Sloanicota*

      I ultimately went for a house with potential (so, definitely the two bedroom) but that needed work, so I could get the things that would be hardest to change – space / room configurations / location – at the lowest price. And I needed to get a good price for that obviously since I was going to need cash for the renos, plus moving is expensive anyway. What I like about house stuff is that I can get a return on what I spend, compared with something like a vacation or a nice meal (both of which I love, but a renovated bathroom increases the value of my home when I sell it). But don’t lock yourself in to a place that’s already too small, because you lose the money of closing costs, and you want to be able to stay in place as long as possible.

    3. Samwise*

      We made a list of everything we wanted and did not want, then sorted it into Must Have, Nice to Have, Counts Against But We Can Live With It, and No Freakin Way

      We did some initial searching to see what was available.

      We went to some mortgage lenders to see what we’d qualify for.

      We discussed how much we were willing to pay/month based on the range of prices and our combined income. We had some money from my in-laws to help towards the down payment as well as savings; we hoped for (and got) a place where we did not need mortgage insurance.

      We cared about the kind of house (older; I was all for a fixer upper but my husband was not), walkable neighborhood, not suburban-y, not too long a drive to work.

      Then we got an agent, explained all of this to her, she took us around to some places and listened to us talk about them, found us other places that fit better.

      Then we got pre-approved for a mortgage.

      The agent recommended the house we ended up buying. It was about half the square footage we could have gotten if we’d been willing to buy a newer house in a suburb 30 – 45 minutes from work (a longer drive now as the area’s population has increased). We can walk to work. Elementary school also within walking distance, good schools although we didn’t pay attention to that when we were house hunting. Older neighborhood.

      1. Samwise*

        Forgot to add: we’ve been here almost 24 years. The value has almost tripled, but I’m sure that’s not the house, because the house is small (1700 sq ft) and cute, but not what most folks want these days –it’s the large lot in a very desirable, extremely well-located neighborhood in a region with very good economic growth. It was clear when we bought it that it would appreciate well and that the region was likely to continue to be economically healthy.

        Lots of tear-downs in the neighborhood for the last 10 years. We refinanced 15 years ago. Our mortgage is less than what my younger coworkers pay for a one-bedroom apartment.

      2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I did the same as far as must have, nice to have, not a dealbreaker, DEFINITELY A DEALBREAKER. Otherwise, my primary factors were location and how much space could I get for my budget. My budget was one person since I was buying my house solo, my space needs at the time were four adults – at the time, two couples, but over time that shifted in various ways and now it’s just me and my husband and we somehow still manage to use all the space :-P I bought my house eight years ago and it has almost doubled in valuation since then. We are child free, but my house is a four bedroom with a big fenced yard in a good (and getting better) school district, walking distance from the high school and public library, so I expect a good resale value someday.

        1. KatEnigma*

          Not a dishwasher wasn’t a dealbreaker for us. The kitchen layout not giving us an option to install our own dishwasher WAS.

          Our first house didn’t have AC or a dishwasher. The ability to add both was a must have. We closed in May. The AC was installed in June, the dishwasher in February.

          When we sold 4 years later, it sold within a week for asking in a market that wasn’t that hot- and in JANUARY in a snowy climate, for $25k more than we paid for it. And I think it’s because we were the only house in the market at that price range that had upgraded appliances that included a dishwasher. (We also put in a fence, in an area where there are no fences or even fencing companies!!)

          1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            For me, “no basement” was not a dealbreaker and “finished basement” was not a dealbreaker, but “unfinished basement” was ABSOLUTELY A DEALBREAKER.

            1. Sloanicota*

              Really? Huh, I love my unfinished basement. I do messy art projects and occasionally let a feral cat sleep off a URI down there.

              1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

                I have had way too many unfinished basements with water issues.

                1. KatEnigma*

                  Finished basements are no guarantee there won’t be water! It’s just more expensive to remediate!

                2. Missb*

                  Our current house had a slight dip in the concrete on the basement floor along some pathway when we moved in.

                  Note that our basement is also our garage (laundry, shop, storage).

                  First big rain: sheet flow across the basement floor, heading towards the slight dip, flowing along until it reached the garage door, where it flowed underneath and down the driveway.

                  Definitely drainage issues. When we were doing a wraparound porch project the 2nd year, we dug in a bunch of piping and connected them to the downspouts. The old pipes were terra cotta and broken and filled with soil.

                  No more sheet flow across the basement. When we had a realtor over a couple of years ago (when we were considering selling), she went down to the basement, took down her mask and inhaled deeply. She was very surprised that it wasn’t a musty old basement.

                  There is zero chance we will ever finish the space down there. It’s been that way for 100 years. I don’t need the finished space.

                3. Sloanicota*

                  This is so interesting to me because now I’m realizing that when a basement is finished there’s at least an implicit expectation that it doesn’t have water issues (where I wouldn’t have made that connection before). Would flippers finish a basement even if it did, leaving you with the mess, oh yes absolutely, but at least that’s the principle they’re trying to emulate. I never put it together before. And I wouldn’t finish mine because, yep, there’s leaks.

                5. KatEnigma*

                  My cousin finished his basement and then it developed leaks.

                  The same happened to a neighbor.

                  They don’t have to be covering a leak- one might simply not exist that develops later.

    4. Gina*

      I am not sure where you live – but many places in the US have Housing Counselors and Homebuyers education classes. I actually am in this field and work with people to help them figure out what they can/want to afford balanced by what they want/need in a home. NeighborWorks America is a national organization that supports smaller ones like mine.

    5. Long A*

      If you’re eventually going to want a two bedroom home and can afford the mortgage to buy one now, I think you should do it. You lose a ton of money buying and selling, and moving, and so purchasing that forever home if you can isn’t a splurge in my opinion. It’s smart.

      1. Pop*

        I agree with this. We bought a one bedroom five years ago, although we would have preferred a two bedroom and put in offers on many but ultimately got priced out aka we couldn’t afford it. It’s been a great fit for many reasons, but now my toddler is almost two and the clock is ticking to sell and move because we literally can’t fit a toddler bed in our space, but interest rates are sooo high. If we had a two bedroom we would have more time and options. I would love to not have to be moving again.

      3. Ellis Bell*

        Yes moving is one of the most costly things you can do, both in time, money and stress, so get the best place you can afford for your needs. I could see someone getting a one bedroom if that’s either all they could stretch to, or because it’s all they really want or need…. but if you want a two bed eventually and are getting a one bed for a while to save money? False economy. Not only is the moving costly, but the two bed will probably cost more in the future. For my first home purchase, I started with something that was below my eventual needs (had no driveway and fewer bedrooms) and prices were so low back then, I could have stretched to something like what I have now. I saved some money in the short term but I definitely lost some money long term.

      4. TechWorker*

        +1
        Moving house is expensive and hassle! I don’t believe you should fully max out on ‘whatever the bank will lend me/us’ – for me it was important that if for some reason one of us couldn’t work for a few months we could still afford the mortgage – but going for a 2 bed you can grow into vs ‘the smallest amount of acceptable space’ sounds like good economics.

    6. Ginger Cat Lady*

      As far as budget, when we were shopping, we aimed for something roughly 50-75% of what the mortgage company told us we qualified for. Sure, we could have maxed out what we qualified for, but if we had it would have been tight. By intentionally staying lower than that, we were able to do things like have savings! Do home and car repairs timely! and make home improvements! Got a 15 year loan instead of a 30 as well, and that meant we could pay off the house before retirement.
      Not maxing out what we qualified for was the best financial decision we ever made.

      1. the Viking Diva*

        Underscoring this. Lenders will speak in terms of a mortgage in terms of how much “you can afford” – and what they mean is how much “we will lend you” according to a pretty simplistic formula. In my case they were willing to lend me a *lot* more money than I felt comfortable committing every month. I have been happy with my house, but not house-poor, even though I’ve done some significant remodeling over time and still traveled and enjoyed life. YOU decide what you can afford, not the bank!

      2. Samwise*

        Agreed. We qualified for almost twice what we spent.

        15 year mortgage— a good way to save money, but we would have been in a bind if didn’t have the two incomes. I had a terminal faculty position in a field that’s notoriously hard to get tenure track jobs in. We are fairly risk averse…

        1. Imtheone*

          If you make sure that there is no prepayment penalty on the mortgage, you can get a 30 year mortgage and pay it off more quickly, saving a lot of money.

          1. Kuddel Daddeldu*

            That’s what I did. Mortgage for 20 years, interest fixed for ten with the option to pay an extra 10% every year. I used my annual bonuses for that extra pay-off so I kept the fixed monthly payments manageable. As the economy was good to me with good bonuses, I paid off the mortgage within ten years; I’ve been debt free ever since.
            Buying a solid house within my means was the best decision. The house appreciated nicely (almost tripled its value within 20 years).

          2. Observer*

            Yes, that’s a good move in many cases. And it means that if something unexpected happens, you have a bit of a cushion.

          3. Clisby*

            Yeah, we got a 5 1/8% 30-year mortgage in 2005, and paid it off in just under 15 years. Not sure what our effective interest rate ended up being, but considerably less than 5 1/8.

      3. SarahKay*

        This, this, this!
        When I first bought, back in the mid-nineties, the bank was willing to loan about 20% more than my then-boyfriend and I felt we could afford. We’d lived through the horrific interest rate rises in the late eighties (something like 5% in three hours on one particularly awful day) so we stuck to borrowing what we were comfortable with.
        At time of borrowing interest rates were at approx 6% and fixed rate mortgages weren’t as much of a thing so we didn’t have one.
        Every month for the first six months we got a letter from the lender telling us that interest rates had gone up, so our monthly repayment would also increase.
        Every month we opened that letter and thanked dog that we’d not let the bank loan us more.
        We’d hit 8% by the end of that six months. Thankfully it stopped climbing at that point, although we could have absorbed more if we’d had to.

        1. Sloanicota*

          Yeah, as mentioned in another comment below, my mortgage went up every year after I started because taxes went up and the escrow takes a cushion on top of that (insurance probably went up too), so if I’d borrowed at the very top of my range I would have been in trouble a few years in. Maybe most people’s income goes up every year but mine did not.

      4. Jay (no, the other one)*

        Yes. We moved from a very HCOL area to a moderate-to-low COL area just before we bought our first house. We had started looking in the HCOL area and would have barely been able to afford a two-bedroom. In the lower COL area we could get a whole lot more house – but if we would have been content with a smaller one, did we really need a bigger one? In the end, we did buy a bigger house at about 60% of what the lender considered our max price/monthly payment. We looked at a gorgeous 18th century place that was at the top of that range and decided we didn’t want to be house poor. No regrets.

        Also no regrets about paying a bit more for central AC in both houses. For the second, we made location the absolute priority and gave the real estate agent a very small area to work with. We were lucky to find a place we loved in our budget in that neighborhood and 22 years later we are still happy here.

      5. KatEnigma*

        When we bought our first house, we didn’t have much in savings, coming from California. But we had a good income for the Midwest. So we also got a 15 year mortgage because we could afford a higher monthly payment (less than our Bay Area rent!) than our downpayment would imply. We also bought far below what the bank was willing to lend us. But we only put down 5% and could drop the PMI in less than 3 years.

    7. Cookies For Breakfast*

      I’m also a saver, and buying a house that was the top end of my and Partner’s budget was tougher to decide for me than him. We had already calculated how much we were ok spending, so it was saver mentality unease rather than a numbers issue.

      Many people already made the “forever home” and value increase argument and that was part of our reasoning. A few other things also went into it:

      1) The price was on the high side for us, but looking at houses with the same number of rooms plus garden in the same area, they were all more expensive (including one Partner loved on the listing website, and turned out to need a lot of work when we went to see it). Once we knew that was the area and space we wanted, we also knew we were getting good value.

      2) There were much smaller homes selling for not much less. We realised that to really save we’d have to buy a flat, and it wasn’t something we wanted to do for a number of reasons.

      3) Our house was newly refurbished and needed minimal intervention after moving in. We still ended up spending a little more than intended on some repairs (I suspect everyone goes through that), and the garden needed redoing – still isn’t finished as we’re DIYing most of it. But we also could avoid big projects that every other house we saw would have needed, such as replacing dated kitchens and bathrooms, or repainting from scratch.

      Wishing you the best on your home buying journey!

    8. Jackalope*

      We had limited choice because we live in a high cost of living area and so everything available was just barely at the top of our price range. But the plan we had was to look for something that would have a monthly cost similar to the rent we were paying. Our situation was unique because we ended up buying the house we were renting at the time; the landlords decided to sell and gave us first right of refusal. It ended up being a bit more expensive than the rent, but not by too much.

      Things that were important to me: I didn’t want a home that needed a lot of maintenance. No one in our household is super handy or a fix-it type, and we were unlikely to change. So we went for something with good structure and nothing huge that was breaking down. My spouse and I got married in middle age and were both used to having space, so it was important to find someplace that had room to stretch out (and also, since this was the first place we lived together, when we were looking for a rental we tried to find something big enough that we could combine households without having to get rid of most of our stuff, since things were stressful enough with moving already). One of my sina qua non requirements was 2 bathrooms; I spent a few years in my 20s sharing a one-bathroom apartment with 3 other people, and I do not want to ever do that again.

      Beyond that, I would encourage you to think about what you are drawn to in houses. I personally enjoy quirkiness, for example, so a house that was completely modern with no unique touches would never have made me happy. Give me random cupboards and a room with a weird number of walls, or random bookshelves built into the walls, or whatever. You may feel completely different about this. But figure out what kind of vibe you want, and then see if you can get that. It may not be an option, but do your best, since you’ll be spending a lot of time there and you want to want to be there.

    9. Ellen D*

      When I was flat hunting many years ago, I was told if you could afford a 2-bed then go for it, as a) it gives you more space and b) you’ve got the potential to rent out the second bedroom if something unexpected happens. As others note, it can be more adaptable to changes in circumstances and may re-sell more easily. This enabled me after 15 years to move to a house with garden in a great small town – that is not cheap.

    10. Madame Arcati*

      I did it like this (in 2021):
      Look at the amount of savings you have and start by knocking off all the things you will have to pay for (there are many online guides for such things if you have no idea. Also asking friends and family)
      For example;
      Conveyancing fees (legal)
      Stamp duty (that’s a U.K. tax at purchase which may not be added to your mortgage so you need the cash up front; might be something similar in the US)
      New furniture (I went from a one bed flat to a three bed house so knew I needed various things and I allowed a more generous amount because I am in my forties and wanted quality things to last, mostly, and to choose what I wanted not have to pick the cheapest. But a first time buyer may be different)
      Any refurbishments – my rule of thumb was that it would be likely I’d need/want to redo one more major thing, say the kitchen or the bathroom, so I budgeted to be able to pay for that. Any more needed and I wouldn’t buy; I really didn’t want a doer-upper! But this may not be a luxury affordable for a first time buyer.
      Cost of removals (I had too much stuff to do it myself but self driving a hired van is a good compromise if a proper removal service is too much)
      Round it all up a bit so you aren’t on your last penny the first month!

      Then what you are left with is your deposit and you need an online calculator to see what a bank etc will lend you based on that deposit your salary, dependents and outgoings. I just googled “mortgage how much can I borrow” and there were several. You can talk to a mortgage broker or your bank but that’s normally for later when you’ve got a house in mind.

      I saw what the bank would likely lend and looked at the monthly payment compared to my salary and decided to borrow a bit less to adjust that monthly payment down so I didn’t feel over stretched.

      Then I took that final price of deposit plus what I could be confident of safely borrowing and got on the internet to see what I could afford in the area I liked. I used rightmove, I daresay there are several us equivalents but certainly then it was worth setting up alerts, and when you did enquire about a property for sale, leaving your details with the estate agent so they can let you know when similar ones come on the market, because things were going on and being snapped up very quickly

      Long but hopefully helpful!.

    11. Cendol*

      Our home purchase was intended to be a once-and-done deal—I’m hoping to hold this house until retirement or death—so we didn’t think too much about re-sale value. We bought a 2bd/1ba. Houses with two bathrooms were priced outside our range!

      I did do some shoddy analysis using housing price index data from the St. Louis Fed to see how much home prices dipped in our metro area during the Great Recession (about 3% compared to 10-11% in other areas, and they bounced back quickly). This was just to soothe my fears that we would buy and then immediately be underwater.

      Mortgage + taxes + utilities works out to be about 35% of my take-home pay (rent + utilities was about 30%). We are DINKs and live fairly frugally otherwise.

    12. PoolLounger*

      Location was one aspect—houses just aren’t cheap in the area we want to live (or for 60 miles around it). The biggest aspect was just what the monthly mortgage costs would be. We thought we’d be able to spend more, but it turned out a larger down payment meant basically nothing to the monthly costs. Then, when looking at houses in our price range, we looked at the cost of the work we’d have to do, cosmetic and necessary, and what we’d have to do asap vs in a year or two. We also looked at if the house/land would rise in value. One place we liked, but the location meant it was tough to sell, even though it was beautiful. And we didn’t think we’d want to be there forever, so that was out.

    13. MissGirl*

      Go check out the website I Will Teach You to be Rich. A lot of advice there on what you can afford relative to salary and pitfalls to look out for.

      Size doesn’t always equal price. I’d love to downsize since it’s just me but getting out of a townhouse and into a smaller cottage tacks on $200k over what I could sell mine for.

      I would also always have a second bedroom but I work from home. But even if I didn’t having a place to work out or to have guests is so nice.

      1. Sloanicota*

        A lot of people were really grateful for that second bedroom when the pandemic hit! And think about needing to isolate from a partner if you were infected. Then again I guess you’d say the same thing about two bathrooms and that was beyond my means.

        1. Observer*

          The real point here is that there are a lot of things that people do not absolutely NEED, but that are genuinely useful and add a lot of value.

          It’s important to recognize the difference between “cannot afford”, in which case the saver mentality is going to save you a lot of trouble, and “But I don’t really NEED it”, in which case it’s worth stepping back and looking at the real value that item may bring to the table.

          Some extra space and a second bathroom are the kinds of things that generally should only be not bought if you* actually cannot afford it given whatever other constraints you have.

          *generic you.

    14. KatEnigma*

      Also .. when you are looking at mortgages, if you don’t have 20% down, shop around for loans. Not just for the interest rate, but for the PMI. We went through Bettor (sp?) loans who offered us a PMI that was 1/3 of anyone else. Specifically 1/3 of the quote we got from Chase who had serviced our previous loan. Chase then immediately bought our loan before even the first payment at that PMI rate.

      1. Sloanicota*

        I found a first-time homebuyer program in my new county that let me put less down and avoid PMI. That was almost all it did for me, but that alone was worth a lot! Mortgage insurance does nothing for you, the buyer – it is entirely for the bank.

        1. KatEnigma*

          Yes. And if you have a loan through Fanny/Freddie, to make up for all their losses during the last crash, they don’t let you drop PMI EVER. Even after you get to 21% equity, the FED makes every other mortgage holder drop your PMI, but they have made fairly recent exceptions for themselves…

          But truly, our PMI through Better is only $45/month instead of the $100-$150 everyone else wanted at the time. It was the main reason we didn’t go with Chase, and then Chase immediately bought our loan!

    15. I'm A Little Teapot*

      I had a budget of what I could spend, that was based on what I could comfortably afford and not be house poor. My budget was significantly less than what the lender had approved me for. Make sure you consider insurance, taxes, repairs/maintenance, etc. Beyond that, I was limited based on what was on the market. If you want a 1 bedroom but there’s no 1 bedrooms on the market, then you’re either not getting a 1 bedroom or you’re not getting a house.

      I also didn’t just plan for right now. I also tried to anticipate for the future. If you may need a home office in the future, then it makes sense to have the ability to accommodate that.

      Also, some things are easier to change. If the house has decorations that you hate, that doesn’t matter. You can paint, you have different furniture, you will chose your own curtains. What does matter is location, layout, size, and condition.

    16. Cedrus Libani*

      I bought a house last year. My husband and I are both savers; the house we were comfortable buying was definitely below the limit of what we could have gotten a mortgage for.

      The maximum spend was driven by me. I make ~30% of the household income, and I was in grad school until a few years ago, so I’m not great on assets either. But, my pride – I wanted to pay my fair share, like an adult with a real job, which I had finally become.

      So, I looked at my past year or two of expenditures. I wanted to be able to maintain my lifestyle, which I was pretty happy with. I wanted to keep saving aggressively for retirement. I also wanted to be able to have a baby (infant daycare, yikes). And I didn’t want to be eyeing the bottom of my bank account every month; I wanted to still make more than I spent, unless there was a serious emergency.

      Yes, I am quite fortunate to still be able to hold up my half of the mortgage after all that. We bought an older 2 bed / 2 bath; it has some issues, but is a true single family in a convenient location. No regrets so far. (We did time the market fairly well; the seller was motivated, as they would have easily gotten 10% more a month earlier and it was only getting worse, and we were also motivated, as our pre-approved mortgage rate was about to expire and go way up.)

      I will say that the era of real estate as an investment vehicle is probably over. For most of the past several decades, the smart play has been to buy as much house as you could possibly afford, because it’s printing money for you in the form of home equity. Now? I’d be pretty happy if the value keeps up with inflation over the next decade or so.

      I will also say that the point of money is to buy happiness. Being able to pay for routine expenses makes me happy, so I would never want to jeopardize that. That said, having enough space to live comfortably is really nice too. I was very glad that the husband talked me into renting a 2br apartment instead of a 1br, especially once the pandemic hit and we were both WFH. That money could have gone to more stuff (but I’m a minimalist by nature) or experiences (but there’s a plague outside) or the down payment fund (but we got there eventually). Instead, we got an extra bedroom, and I still think that was the most happiness-increasing place to put that money.

    1. bassclefchick*

      Anything upbeat for me. Queen’s Greatest Hits. P!nk’s Funhouse. Any of my 80’s hair band compilation CDs. Pretty much anything that won’t put me to sleep.

    3. Clara Bowe*

      Son Lux’s og tiny desk concert, The Civil Wars UNA concert, and ambient rainy coffee shop with relaxing jazz.

    4. Imsostartled*

      When I input or analyze data I totally love metal like Rob Zombie, Rammstein, and Korn. It’s soothing “white noise” to me. Haha, I know I may be an outlier.

      1. Saddy Hour*

        Me too, though I mix melodic death metal in there too (the albums “Melancholy” by Shadow of Intent, “Proponent for Sentience” by Allegaeon, etc.). The growls have become a comforting white noise for me as well lol.

        If I need to focus without lyrics, it’s instrumental math rock (“The Endless Shimmering” by And So I Watch You From Afar — very soothing) or djent (anything by Animals as Leaders).

    5. The Dude Abides*

      Back during my senior year of college, during a rough stretch of finals studying and pounding out papers (I stayed up for 72 hours in a row), I kept the Motörhead cover of Hellraiser on loop for an entire week.

    6. Cendol*

      Daft Punk – Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger!

      I now also listen to Agatha Christie audiobooks (the ones narrated by Hugh Fraser). I’ve read all of her short stories and novels multiple times so the narration turns into pleasant background noise rather than a distraction.

    7. The OG Sleepless*

      I don’t do data entry, but decades ago I used to study to Mannheim Steamroller’s Fresh Aire II. (I loved all of the Fresh Aire albums, but II was the most meditative and had the fewest tempo changes.) Before that, in high school my mom was playing the piano in a local concert and she decided to take on Chopin’s Fantasie-Impromptu as a stretch project. I spent most of my sophomore year studying biology while listening to her break down Chopin.

      1. Forrest Rhodes*

        Another Mannheim Steamroller Fresh Aire fan here; I think III (The Woods Is Alive) might be my favorite, though.

        Classical/instrumental provides the best atmosphere when I’m working—I work with words and have to make sure no lyrics find their way into the present project. Favorites are everything from New World Symphony to Appalachian Spring to Water Music to James Galway; the list goes on.

    8. Texan In Exile*

      The only album I could listen to while I was typing papers in college was Quadrophenia because I had heard it so many times that I wouldn’t start typing the lyrics instead of my thoughtful analysis of Hamlet.

      This mattered because I was using a typewriter, not a computer.

      (Only not so thoughtful because I didn’t learn until a few years ago that the feminist – and I think probably likely – theory about why Ophelia committed suicide, something that always bothered me, is that she was pregnant and Hamlet abandoned her, which is why she was giving away rue, which everyone back then would have known is for abortion.)

    10. Anonymous Educator*

      mxmtoon … really any of her songs. Mostly pop fun stuff.

      For more chill music, Julee Cruise or the soundtrack to The Piano.

      Also, the theme to Call the Midwife, and the winter and summer seasons from Vivaldi’s Four Seasons.

    11. waffles*

      Depends how I feel about the data. It could be Rage Against the Machine, New Order, Pink Floyd, or Satie’s Gymnopedies

    12. Donkey Hotey*

      Previously, it had to be wordless (or at least English-less). Phillip Glass, Brian Eno, etc.
      Recently, I’ve become a fan of Brown noise (it’s named for a person). There are youtube channels of it for up to 12 hours. It’s like the noise in a car during a road trip. Really puts me in the fully aware and yet relaxed zone.

    14. jasmine tea*

      I can’t listen to lyrics when I’m working with data, I will make mistakes. I like coffeehouse jazz or similar. My YT playlist features a lot of tracks from a channel called “Calmed By Nature” that incorporates background noises to make it sound like you’re actually in a cafe, like low murmurs and clinking spoons. Search for “Cozy Fall Coffee Shop Ambience: Relaxing Jazz Music & Rain Sounds for Studying, Relaxation, & Sleep” for one of my favorites.

    15. Slightly Less Evil Bunny*

      Not working with data but coding, so lyrics can be too distracting. Deadmau5, Music To Work To and Work From Home Chill Mix. Also Tycho’s Dive album.

    16. Kuddel Daddeldu*

      I need soothing, non-distracting music. I cycle through several tracks that are about four hours each from various websites that I found by googling “music for programming”.

    17. Rara Avis*

      Anything, really, but mostly musicals: Hadestown, Hamilton, Jane Eyre, Little Women, Mamma Mia.

  11. bassclefchick*

    Can anyone help me figure out how to remove mold from a tub surround? I live an apartment and the building managers aren’t willing to replace the surround. Even though it has mold, and at one point it got damaged and has a terrible epoxy “fix” on the edge.

    I’ve tried several things. Comet, Bar Keeper’s Friend, bleach and elbow grease. I did finally get some Wet and Forget. That seems to be keeping any new mold away. But I have no idea how to get rid of the old stuff that’s been there since the day my husband and I moved in. Which is over 6 years at this point. TIA

    1. Missb*

      is it in the tile grout or is it at the joint where the tub and walls meet? If it is in the joint, the easiest thing to do (which is not necessarily easy) is to replace that – it’s usually a silicone bead rather than grout. You can pull/scrape/cut that strip out, use rubbing alcohol to clean things up and then replace the silicone bead. Usually you have to let the stuff sit for at least 24 hours before getting it wet, so plan ahead.

      If it is in the grout, then you could probably scrub it out and reseal the grout. But my guess is that it’s in the silicone and nothing cleans it – you just replace. Hardware stores sell small tubes.

      1. Madame Arcati*

        If it is the silicone sealant and you do it yourself, as soon as you have done fill the bath with water so the weight sort of pulls on the sealant as it dries; if not, when it dries and you fill the bath or stand in it is your shower is integral, it may pull the sealant away and you’ll get leaks.
        I speak from somebody else’s experience doing my bath; it was troublesome and stressful for me and expensive for the company dealing with the ensuing leaks!

    2. Mstr*

      Try mixing a paste of baking soda and bleach and putting a thick layer over the stains, leave it for several hours and scrub away. Something about the damp paste seems to make the bleach more effective. I’ve only tried this with newer stains that were perhaps months old vs. years old though so YMMV.

    3. WestsideStory*

      There is a product called Kaboom Mold & Mildew Stain Remover with Bleach. It has done wonders for a cruddy tile bathroom that keeps getting mold in the tub surround where the caulking is peeling away. I have even used it on white ceramic outdoor patio tiles that tend to green algae.
      There are other flavors of Kaboom but this specific one does the job.

    4. Lilo*

      I can’t quite tell where the mold is, but you can try bleach gel as well. It sticks on.

      I had some success removing mold from a washing machine O ring using the Pink Stuff too.

    5. bassclefchick*

      Thanks for the suggestions! I live in an apartment, so I probably can’t do much if the solution is replacing it. It’s one of those fiberglass surrounds, not tiles. The mold is in the corners of the “walls” of the surround, not the grout sealing it in place. I’ll see if I can find the Kaboom and I know I can get the Pink Stuff on Amazon.

      1. just another queer reader*

        Not an ideal solution, but if you plan to stick around a while, you might consider asking the landlord if you could replace it at your own expense, or split the cost with them.

        I’ve made a few small upgrades to my apartment this way (although my landlord is especially chill, which helps.)

      2. Imtheone*

        The seal is probably caulk, not grout. Grout is rigid, while caulk should have a little “give” to it.

        1. Hazel*

          You might try Concrobium Mold Control spray. It kills mold (spray, leave on, scrub out) and I think it has residual effects to stop it coming back. It is bleach free, I think it works by creating an unfriendly environment to mold.

          1. I'm A Little Teapot*

            Concrobium kills the mold, but it will not do much for the staining. Bleach will help with staining but doesn’t kill mold.

            1. E*

              +1 . White vinegar is also good at killing mold/spores. Once you get the problem fixed you can keep a spray bottle of vinegar in your shower and spray down after use. Your bathroom will smell like pickles temporarily after the spray but it does help the problem from coming back

  12. nnn*

    What’s your favorite kitchen gadget that you purchased or someone gave to you that you thought “oh I’ll probably never use this” but ended up loving?

    Mine is a Drinkmate (like a Sodastream but you can carbonate more things than just water). I bought it suspecting it would be fun for a month or two and then go unused but we have ended up using it all the time. We mostly just carbonate water to make seltzer so we don’t have to buy all those bottles.

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Air fryer! I thought it was just a gimmick, and now I have two so I can make popcorn shrimp and tater tots at the same time.

      1. Peanut Hamper*

        Same!

        The only caveat I can offer is that every air fryer is different, so when you try recipes from the internet, YMMV by a lot! I saw a video where someone made grilled cheese sandwiches at 400 degrees for 20 minutes, and mine were well done by 8 minutes. So it does take a little time to figure out how to cook things. It helps to err on the side of caution.

    2. ClosingTime*

      My gravity activated pepper mill! Best thing ever and I give it (and/or s&p sets) as gifts. Especially good if you have hand/thumb/wrist joint issues. Oh and it lights up too!

      1. yellow tulips*

        I have never heard of this. And now my life feels empty without a self-lighting pepper mill.

      2. Strawberry Shortcake*

        Got my mother one for Christmas, and every few days she tells me again how much she loves it. She’s notoriously hard to shop for, but she’d been talking about getting one for months, so it was an easy gift! (I also bought a bag of Tellicherry black peppercorns, because a gift is kinda crappy if it means the recipient now has to buy something else so they can use it…)

        Anyway, I heartily recommend getting one. They’re not even that expensive.

    3. Girasol*

      Mini food processor. Found it second hand and thought, I might never use it but for a couple dollars I’ll try it. Best two dollars ever.

    4. Jackalope*

      Toaster oven. I’d thought a plain toaster was fine, but now I can toast sandwiches instead of individual bread slices, I can warm up leftovers that don’t heat up well in the microwave, I can actually cook things…. I love it so much.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        YES! Fellow toaster-oven lover here. I am afraid of my gas oven, but with some small pyrex bakeware and my toaster oven, I can make a yummy baked chicken, small baked goods, etc.

    5. Dark Macadamia*

      someone gave me a little hand operated veggie chopper (you pull the handle fast like you’re starting a lawnmower) and it’s great!

    6. Double A*

      An apple corer/peeler. We were gifted one and I was like, “Eh….” But apples are one of the few fruits/veggies my daughter will eat. But she won’t eat the peels. And it turns out I really don’t like manually peeling a million apples. The kids eat A LOT more apples now because it takes 2 seconds to peel. And the kids can even help by turning the crank.

      1. rr*

        Brand, please? I’ve been wanting one of these, but the reviews I have read on most make them sound flimsy and very easily broken.

        1. Double A*

          Has to check… Nor-Pro. sometimes the blade can be a little finicky and get pushed out of place but overall I’d say it’s very solid.

    7. LittleBabyDamien*

      I thought that rice cookers were redundant. I mean, you could just cook the rice in a pot and save the room in the cupboard, right? And then I stayed in a furnished place for a few months and it had a rice cooker. I was hooked! No need to watch while it comes to a boil, try to catch it before it boils over and you put the lid on and turn down the heat, it turns off automatically, it is really easy to clean, and now I throw some veg in on top of the rice when I put it in, and I eat rice and veg a lot more now!
      Sadly, the rice cooker that I paid a dollar for at a garage sale died a week or so ago, so I will be looking through thrift stores for a replacement! We had spent 5 happy years together, me and that rice cooker!

      1. Cookies For Breakfast*

        Yes! One Christmas, my mother gave me a rice cooker that goes in the microwave, and I went through your same skepticism and acceptance process.

        That original rice cooker died a shameful death within a few months because I forgot to add water one evening. But I was so sold on the concept by then, I replaced it with my own money (and never told my mother, the shame about my water accident was real). It’s now been years of using it several times a week. I also found it cooks pearl barley and quinoa very well.

      2. Peanut Hamper*

        Yes, this! I bought a multi-cooker mainly because I wanted the slow cooker function, but I use the rice function almost exclusively. It’s literally “set it and forget it”.

        Mine also came with a steamer insert that sits on the top edge. Whenever I make rice, I’ll put two or three eggs in the steamer insert and get perfect boiled eggs along with perfect rice. I love it!

      3. ItsTheFinalCoumtdown*

        Yes! I’m a white girl who married an Indian man and never knew a rice cooker existed or was so easy until he introduced me! Perfect for making rice, quinoa, or other grains for any occasion, including burrito bowls, curries, or just as a side for grilled chicken and fish. Yum!

      4. Lemonwhirl*

        Another +1 for rice cooker. I was very resistant, but my husband went ahead and bought one anyway. We eat rice a few times a week, and it’s been so nice to be able to set it up and then focus on the rest of the dinner. The rice is cooked perfectly, every time.

    8. Chaordic One*

      I feel guilty about admitting it, but I really love my Kruerig K-Cup Coffee Maker. (Yeah, the waste created by all those little plastic cups.) I would never have bought one for myself, but received one as a Christmas present, like, oh, five years ago. If it dies, I probably won’t replace it, but it certainly is convenient.

    9. Cookies For Breakfast*

      A friend talked me into buying a milk frother. I thought it might be wasted money because I rarely buy milk. But when I do, I find myself craving cappuccino in the morning, and now I finally can make it with either hot or cold foam, which is perfect in the summer.

      Also, the ceramic spoon holder my mother gave me one Christmas. It was hand-painted by a local artist, with an image of cats that isn’t really my style, but made her think of me (I’m very much a cat person). Thoughtful gift, but did I really need a spoon holder after years of living without one? Turns out I did – it’s been at the side of the hob in two different homes now, including one with a very cramped kitchen. A true case of mother knows best.

      1. Imprudence*

        Bread maker. Bought a second hand one really cheaply at a charity (thrift ) shop to keep my sone busy during the school holidays, just before the pandemic. Husband loved it and son never got to use it: and we have had fresh bread every day for the last three years.

    10. Madame Arcati*

      A mini hand operated chopping thingy. Hear me out. I was at my friend’s and she said, omg you have to see this, and after her demo I bought one immediately. And got one for my mum next Christmas.
      Ok so it’s a container with a non-slip ring on the base, a rotating blade doodah inside and a lid. You top and tail/peel your veg etc – I use this for every onion in my life – pop it in then in the lid is a handle with a string that you pull on and it makes the blade spin really fast. Like starting up a petrol lawn mower, if you are old enough for that! Seriously it does an amazing chop so quickly. Five pulls for finely and evenly chopped onion, and you can have mush with a few more pulls. I could have done it all in less time than I’ve taken to type this. Ooh and I was once being fancy and making a mushroom duxelles and it was an absolute boon!
      Will comment with a link.

    11. GlowCloud*

      When I moved into my first flat in my 20s, my Dad gave me an Ikea ice lolly mould (one of those brightly coloured plastic things that we had when I was a kid) and I kinda rolled my eyes because *pffft, I’m not 5 years old any more, Dad* – but it actually turned out to be the best housewarming (or should that be house-cooling?) gift ever! Every Summer I still fill it up with Mango juice and stick it in the freezer, and it’s been a small joy to me several house-moves later.

      The best gifts are the things that you never would have thought of buying for yourself, but that find their way into your daily routine because they increase your quality of life in some small way.

      1. DarthVelma*

        I love my immersion blender. It came with a wire whisk attachment and I’ve used that so often for making whipped cream. It’s great for small batches and trying out new flavors.

      2. Chauncy Gardener*

        I adore my immersion blender. And it came with a small container with a whirring blade that you attach the power piece of the blender to. That thing rocks too!

    13. Falling Diphthong*

      Two that I got as stocking stuffers, thought “huh”, and now use constantly:
      • A 1/4 cup liquid measuring cup. So much handier for measuring 2 T of soy sauce compared to spoons.
      • A mini whisk, to mix up a couple tablespoons of salad dressing or marinade.

    14. My Brain is Exploding*

      An immersion blender I bought for $10 one Black Friday. I use it more than I thought I would. A Tevolo…one end is flat and the other end has a little scoop to it, so it’s great for getting things out of the bottom of jars, etc.

    15. SarahKay*

      A pair of mini silicone spatulas. One with the traditional oblong head, and one with more of a bowl-shaped head. They are amazing for getting the last bits out of jars, especially oddly-shaped jars (yes, Sun-pat peanut butter and marmite, I’m looking at you) and also for putting icing onto fairy cakes.
      They were part of a gift from a friend; obviously I thanked her and kept my doubts to myself.
      Five years later I was so enamoured I bought a set each for my parents and siblings for Christmas 2021. Dad phoned me half-way through last year specifically to say to me pretty much everything I’d typed above.

      1. Isobel*

        Yes! We’ve just moved halfway round the world and the few kitchen items we had shipped will be arriving in the next week or so. I can’t remember if I packed the mini spatulas but I really hope I did.

    16. fposte*

      My Supoon and Mini-Supoon. I really like all the Dreamfarm kitchen stuff but those are my workhorses. It is amazing to be able to get all the peanut butter out of a jar.

    18. The OG Sleepless*

      We needed a new stick blender, so I got a Braun stick blender that came with a bunch of other attachments so it had a whisk and a food processor. OK, whatever. Well. We used the stick blender, and then we tried the food processor part, and then the whisk, and then we decided this was the greatest gadget we had ever bought. It’s easy to clean too. I got one for my mom for Christmas, and she kind of went “oh, ok, thanks” and then a few weeks after Christmas she called to tell me that now that she had used it a few times she had found that it was the greatest thing ever.

      1. Hazel*

        Ooh the Braun Multipractic! I had one more than 20 years ago and recently discovered they still exist. Compact, powerful, many uses (one motor/handle with many attachments). The space-limited person’s KitchenAid! I echo your sentiments, they are truly great.

    19. Donkey Hotey*

      I’ve purchased two things for my partner who specifically described their results as “never thought I’d use but never realized how handy it is.”
      – Instant read thermometer (thermoworks and such)
      – An olive oil drizzler (a dedicated glass jar with a pour spout).

    20. All Monkeys are French*

      Electric gooseneck kettle. We got it to survive our kitchen renovation but even after installing a speedy new induction stove, we still use the kettle all the time. We have the Oxo brand which is lightning-fast with good temperature precision.

      I also recently replaced some old silicone spatulas with ones from Thermoworks and they are fantastic. They’re a little heavy, but seamless, dishwasher safe, just the right amount of flexibility, and they come in fun colors.

    21. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Mr. Lid brand food storage containers. The lids are attached, so you can’t lose them. My only complaint is that they take some force to open, so they’re less ideal as I get older.

    22. Healthcare Worker*

      My cherry pitter- who knew? It’s great! I cook so much more with cherries now.

    23. carcinization*

      Agreed on the small food chopper (mine is plug-in), and adding a (manual) cherry/olive pitter.

    24. Excitable Boy*

      Our Sous Vide. It’s made cooking meat to the perfect temperature a game changer.

    25. Surrogate Tongue Pop*

      A mini breakfast sandwich maker! I use it 1-2x/week and it’s amazing, easy and wipes clean.

    26. Wilde*

      A benchtop pizza cooker. I rolled my eyes so hard when my husband bought it home, but it makes amazing pizza! It’s much better than using a stone in our oven.

      1. Hazel*

        I hate more single-use gadgets on counters (small space) but a George Foreman-style grill (ours is Breville) grills fish, shrimp, burgers, bacon, other meat, kebobs, kofte, veggies, and flatbreads without smoke, grease or smell and little to no oil. Our stove died, but with this, an induction burner and microwave we ate well for ages!

      2. The OG Sleepless*

        We ended up with a tiny countertop commercial pizza oven after my husband moved his office home. We use it for all kinds of things; it functions kind of like a very flat air fryer.

    27. JobHunter*

      A Bunn coffee maker. It has a resevoir of hot water that is the perfect temperature for coffee and starts dripping immediately.

      A flat cast iron griddle. The low sides make it easy to flip pancakes or roll omelets. I also have a large electric griddle for cooking tortillas or food for several people at once.

      Silicon bundt cake pans. I love how much more easily the cakes pop out than feom the metal pans if they aren’t greased well.

    28. Kuddel Daddeldu*

      A food processor I bought on sale for about $110 (regular price $330). It’s basically a heated pot with a chopping knife/stirrer inside plus a few attachments like a steamer. I was skeptical but as my blender had just died, I bought the thing and use it way more than I thought, especially when I WFH as it can cook soups, chilis and similar fairly unattended.

    29. Festively Dressed Earl*

      Silpat baking sheets. I bought them so I could experiment with making macarons, figuring I’d never use them again once the bug was out of my system. I was so, so wrong! Every time I make a sheet pan meal, cookies, turnovers, you name it, I use the silpat sheets instead of tin foil. Big bonus, since we can’t recycle tin foil in my area. The silpat goes into the top of the dishwasher when I’m done cooking, roll it back up and put it in the drawer, no scrubbing, no drama. My sheet pans look untouched.

  13. Not A Manager*

    So, I have a weird question about the etiquette around learning of someone’s divorce or separation. In the olden days, we were taught to say “oh I’m so sorry,” because it’s sad when a marriage ends even if it’s best for everyone. But then we were also taught to say “congratulations” when someone announced a pregnancy, as well, and obviously there are good reasons to move away from that custom.

    I’ve noticed that when I’ve told people about my separation, the younger folks (and by younger I mean in their 30’s ish) tend to go poker faced and say something like, “oh?” or “okay.” This has happened enough that I don’t think they all just thought of that on their own. Is this a new convention? I don’t mind either way, personally, but the very clear (and apparently intentional) lack of affect can be jarring, especially from someone that you feel close to.

    1. AGD*

      Thirtysomething here. I would respond to this kind of news with a matter-of-fact, “oh, I see,” for two reasons, though I can only speak for myself!

      A) I don’t want to assume the person is unhappy about it. Several of my divorced friends were relieved. I have actually been to a divorce party, which had a cake.

      B) Culturally speaking, OK, divorces are not the horrific, unthinkable, must-clutch-pearls sorts of events they often were decades ago, but I still assume that people announcing divorces are often embarrassed. Theirs was a marriage that didn’t work out, after all – and a lot of people who have to be told are people who were at the wedding, who gave gifts, etc. Unless I know the person well, I want to hold back from spewing my emotions about their sensitive news all over them. If that were me, I’d be dreading telling everyone for fear of an “OH NOOOOOOOOOOOO.” So I try my best to take it in stride.

      1. GlowCloud*

        I don’t get why it should be embarrassing for people to announce a divorce to the people who gave wedding gifts?
        The point of a wedding present is that it sets up the newlyweds for their shared household, and to express wishes for luck and happiness in a major life transition. However long the marriage lasts, its purpose is to be useful to the couple for the duration that they live together.
        It’s not in gift etiquette that the giver should ever expect the item to be returned to them, so what the heck should it matter that someone who is supposedly a close enough friend to give you a present to celebrate a major life event, that subsequently didn’t work out? Heck, if I gave a wedding gift, I’d be happy for my friend to pawn it to cover the cost of a good divorce lawyer. That’s what friendship is.

        Have I missed a cultural memo?

        1. NotBatman*

          I think it’s a matter of a wedding gift being a heartfelt (and often expensive) expression of hope for the future of the couple. So if you spent a long time hand-quilting a blanket for the couple with images that were meaningful to them, and then the marriage split up, there’s the unfortunate reality that you spent weeks putting together a thoughtful gift that’s now going to go unused because it has bad associations.

          1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            Seeing this makes me realize – all the couples for whom I have made handmade wedding gifts are still together. The store bought gifts do not have the same track record. Heh.

          2. Observer*

            Either it will or it won’t go unused. Talk about projecting.

            Also, all of that really only matters if the marriage breaks up really quickly. For the rest? Come on, even that painstakingly hand crocheted quilt of whatever got plenty of use if anyone ever had any interest.

    2. Jackalope*

      I’m wondering why you wouldn’t say congratulations to someone who announced a pregnancy, though? I mean, if they’re super young and look distressed then maybe not, but in my experience anyone over maybe 19 or so if who announces a pregnancy has decided they want to keep it and is probably sharing it as good news.

      1. RagingADHD*

        Im not sure that age makes a difference, but I agree that “announcing” a pregnancy is different from “confiding about a pregnancy.”

        If you don’t know the person well enough to tell the difference, it might be good to hold back and suss out the reaction. But if you didn’t know them well, why would they be confiding in you?

        1. Melissa*

          It’s usually obvious what response a pregnancy announcement should get! Because either someone goes: “Squeee guess WHAT??! I’m pregnant!” with a huge smile on their face, or else they go “(quavery voice) Well actually I just found out I’m pregnant so….”

            1. Hazel*

              Yeah but not always. My neighbour told me over the fence that her daughter was expecting. I kind of stayed neutral and lifted my eyebrows in an ‘oh/and?’ gesture bc daughter was about 19 or 20 and living at home, not with her boyfriend. Neighbour said ‘yeah, she’s excited’ so at that point I could gush and say she’d be a wonderful grandmother, which she is.

              1. Observer*

                Yes, but that is not someone telling you about THEIR news, but about someone else’s news.

      2. Don'tbeadork*

        Depending on where you are, not everyone has a choice to keep or not keep a pregnancy, though. I can see being hesitant to congratulate someone on having 18 years of reminders of an assault or even just a bad decision every time they look at their child.

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          I think that’s way more negativity than a pregnancy announcement calls for. If someone is announcing (rather than tearfully confiding in one close friend) then this is the path they are now committed to–“well the tween years can be snarky, so I won’t say anything positive” is a weird response.

      3. Dancing Otter*

        “Decided they want to keep it” — for far too many women, this is no longer a decision they are allowed to make for themselves. So, no, I wouldn’t assume being pregnant is necessarily a matter for congratulations.
        I’m old enough to remember pre-Roe, and the classmates whose lives were ruined by unplanned pregnancy. Unless I know someone was trying to conceive, I don’t assume it’s good news.
        And I know better than to ask, so ….

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Having announced my own divorce (and mine was the “get a group of friends together and go to Vegas to celebrate it” type, then I actually went back to Vegas with most of that same group seven years later to marry one of them), people tend to react based on how I presented the news. If I wasn’t being obvious about my happiness, the responses tended to be a little more neutral, which seemed reasonable to me. I tend to mostly go with “oh, rough, you alright?” because even if it’s a wanted change, that doesn’t make it easy.

      2. GlowCloud*

        Similarly, I sometimes use: “Oh, that’s a big adjustment. How are you feeling at the moment?” when I’m uncertain whether this is good or bad news, or suspect someone might have very mixed feelings.

        I think these neutral statements are good as an initial response, because they acknowledge that feelings may change over time, that change ultimately brings a mixture of positive and negative aspects, and it doesn’t place any blame, motive, or assumption of surprise on either party.

        Then it gives the news-bearer an opportunity to supply as much or as little follow-up detail as they wish while I chime in with “That sounds very difficult”, or “I’m glad you’re feeling positive about this”, or “It’s understandable that you would have a few mixed feelings about this, I hope you’ll settle in a good place”… etc.
        I’m not a therapist, but I sound like one whenever someone confronts me with major updates from their personal lives. So far nobody’s told me that I’ve said the wrong thing.

      5. allathian*

        Yes, I’m going to use this, too. It’s more than just an “oh?” but doesn’t make any assumptions about the announcer’s feelings.

    5. Chicago Anon*

      On divorce, Miss Manners suggested “I wish you the best,” which covers both “sorry”- and “congratulations”-type divorces. It’s not so good for pregnancy, though.

      1. Not A Manager*

        Literally laughed out loud. I can think of no more honest or practical response to the prospect of eighteen-plus years of rearing another human than “I wish you the best.”

    6. Rosie Posie*

      I think it’s generally ok to say “I’m sorry to hear that. How are you feeling” when someone tells you about their divorce. I don’t think it necessarily implies that they can’t be relieved to be out of a bad relationship. I think using some form of an apologetic statement just acknowledges that things didn’t work out as the divorcé(e) initially intended. I wouldn’t get too over the top with any comments about how awful or sad it is. I think my comment applies mostly to when you know the person a little bit, but maybe not very well. That’s just my hot take as a 30-something. I do think it is becoming more popular to avoid statements that can be construed as “value judgments” on life events. I think it’s good and bad: I would imagine I would be disappointed if no one would congratulate me on a major positive life milestone like a wedding or wanted pregnancy.

    7. Not Australian*

      Have you thought of asking “How do you feel about that?” Then the person can tell you whether they’re happy or sad, and you can either congratulate or commiserate accordingly.

      When I got divorced (literally, in another millennium) I was constantly balanced between elated at having got out of a bad situation, angry at it all being necessary in the first place, and terrified about what would happen next. I suspect a lot of divorced people go through the same or similar reactions and their response may be different depending on how/when you meet up with them. There just is no ‘one size fits all’ response, but being sorry that your friend/acquaintance is having to go through it all is never really wrong.

      1. PX*

        This would be my approach as well! I tend to preface it a bit “Oh thanks for sharing. How do you feel about it?”

    8. Chaordic One*

      I’ve observed situations where, upon hearing the news, some well-meaning person might say something along the lines of, “Oh, you’re so much better off without that dirty so and so,” only to have the person making the announcement get back together with their spouse, before or after the divorce. It makes continuing the relationship awkward if you’ve talked trash about the person they got back together with and I’ve seen several friendships end because of the trash talking. (Better to keep your mouth shut and not say too much.) Saying “oh?” or “okay?” is a way to acknowledge the announcement without being judgemental about it.

      1. BubbleTea*

        There’s no prospect of me getting back with my ex-spouse (we haven’t spoken in years) but I still don’t feel comfortable with “good riddance” type comments. Now, a few years out from it, I can acknowledge that it was the best thing, but I don’t think I’ll ever feel happy about trash talking. I grieved the loss of our marriage, same as you might grieve the death of a problematic but still loved relative.

      2. Observer*

        Sure. But there are a lot of other ways to respond that acknowledge that this is a big deal without being judgemental. “I’m sorry to hear.” especially followed by “How are you feeling?” or the like a perfect example. No judgement, no trash talking needed.

    9. BurntOrange*

      I tend to use “Is this a good thing or a bad thing?” Works for all kinds of news. Starts a discussion and I can then respond to their feelings and not the news.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I have occasionally, when I truly couldn’t tell, responded “am I happy for you, or not so much?”

    10. Falling Diphthong*

      Miss Manners 1.0 covered this: She said “I’m so sorry” until someone replied “If I’m happy, and he’s happy, what are you sorry about?” Then she updated it to “I wish you the best.”

      I think the lack of effect is due to not knowing if the speaker views the separation as sad, happy, complicated, or something else.

    11. Courageous cat*

      Mid-30s and I would just say “Oh!”. Both of those life events could be a good or a bad thing depending on who you’re speaking to.

      It would be weird coming from a close friend who would presumably know how you feel about said life event, though.

    12. Jessica*

      Honestly, I’ve moved towards telling people about my divorce over text/messaging, rather than in person. Even if someone has a “good” response ready to go, the conversation often stalls out shortly thereafter, because nobody has a good “next” topic to bring up after divorce. So it’s been easier to just tell people in writing, let them process it in their own time, and then talk about it later if it’s the kind of relationship where discussing it is helpful.

    13. Donkey Hotey*

      Our default lately has been, “oh wow.” (And I’m 50, so it’s not just the young’uns).
      I’ve also heard “Condolulations” to express the mixed feelings.

    14. Silence*

      I think I mostly try and reflect the same energy the teller has when announcing news either happy or sad but if in a neutral voice would probably be poker faced until getting a better read on which it is

  14. Jackalope*

    Reading thread! Share what books you’ve been reading this week! Ask for or share recommendations!

    I’m partway through The Bear and the Nightingale by Katherine Arden. It’s a good book but I’m a little bit stressed by all of the snow and cold. I’m really ready for spring, is what I’m saying. And I’m also reading Forever Young, a memoir by Hailey Mills. Not far in yet but I’m enjoying it so far.

    1. Bluebell*

      I read The Paris Bookshop, and was pleasantly surprised. Still working my way through Kunstlers in Paradise by Cathleen Schine, but it feels odd to read a book that takes place at the beginning of the pandemic. However, the author does have some wonderful turns of phrase.

    3. Teapot Translator*

      Hah, I read Arden’s trilogy this year in the middle of winter. I don’t think I would have enjoyed it now, while waiting from spring.
      I read The Marlow Murder by Robert Thorogood this week.

      1. Jackalope*

        I just finished it last night, and I don’t think I’ll go on to the rest of the trilogy, at least not right now. Maybe when it’s high summer and I want to be reminded that cold exists? But also, it has a fantasy cliche that I’m kind of over at this point – plucky young woman representing The Old Ways (TM) goes up against evil man representing Christianity who wants to destroy the good magic she does and also wants to sleep with her but blames her for it. Does they dynamic continue in the later books? Because I’ve seen it too much both in books and in real life and am wanting other stuff to read when relaxing.

        1. Teapot Translator*

          Yes, the dynamic continues in the two other books. Unfortunately, the evil man reappears again in the two other books.

    4. takeachip*

      I just started a recent Harlan Coben book, The Match. It’s the 2nd in what I assume is a new series, following The Boy from the Woods. He is one of the few supermarket/airport authors I enjoy. He’s right in the sweet spot of easy to read without being poorly written and it’s nice to suspend disbelief and get caught up in the highly improbable plots he manages to make just believable enough.

    5. Long A*

      I’m 75% of the way through The Island of the Sea Women by Lisa See and I’m really enjoying it!

    6. Clara Bowe*

      I have been reading From Lukov With Love by Mariana Zapata, but I think I need to set her down for a bit after this one. I am seeing her writerly seams and need to give it some time.

      I also just finished Homicide and Halo-Halo by Mia Manasala. I enjoyed it a lot and am gonna pick up Blackmail and Bibingka this weekend.

    7. Dark Macadamia*

      I listened to that trilogy on audiobook a few years ago, it was great!

      I recently finished Third Girl, which was the first Agatha Christie I’ve tried and I wasn’t thrilled with it. I don’t remember what led me to choose that one in particular!

      I’m reading Let the Northern Lights Erase Your Name after loving We Run the Tides by the same author back when Alison recommended it. And my hold on The Mother Tongue by Bill Bryson just became available so that’s up next.

      1. Not Australian*

        Christie can be very hit-or-miss, and the later ones tend to be formulaic. I’ve found that people enjoy *either* Poirot or Marple – but not both, for some reason. Maybe try a Marple instead?

        1. Jessica*

          Fascinating, I’ve never heard that. I love both and so do the other Christie fans I know. Third Girl is not her best, though. Maybe try Murder at the Vicarage, which is the first Miss Marple. Or maybe try one of her short-story collections. Her earliest Marple work was short stories and they’re quite good. There are also some short-story volumes that feature a few from each of her various detectives.

          1. allathian*

            Yeah, Third Girl really isn’t all that good, it’s one of the least good Poirot stories. I
            don’t think the plot’s complicated enough to warrant a novel, it could’ve been written as a short story, and the result is a lot of rambling to no purpose. My favorite Poirots are Murder on the Orient Express, The Murder of Roger Ackroyd, and Death on the Nile, not necessarily in that order.

            I like the plots of the Miss Marple books, but I find her submissive demeanor rather tiresome. The sexism of the era the books were written in is more obvious in Marple than in Poirot.

            1. Jessica*

              Miss Marple is my all-time favorite. Her manners are appropriate to her era and class, but don’t be fooled: she knows her own worth. She also knows the prejudices others will see her with, and deliberately leverages that to her advantage.

              1. allathian*

                Yeah, I know. She navigates her world well, but the fact that she has to do that to ensure she gets taken seriously annoys me. Poirot does exactly the same thing, he exaggerates his foreign mannerisms when it suits him, and is perfectly happy to use the insular Englishman’s prejudices against foreigners to his own advantage. But for some reason, Poirot doing that feels natural to me, but Marple’s behavior gets under my skin to the point that I find it hard to enjoy the stories when it’s particularly obvious. That said, the best Marple books are very good, my favorites are At Bertram’s Hotel, The Body in the Library, and The Mirror Crack’d (from Side to Side). That last is surprising even to me because it was published in 1962, but it’s my favorite out of all the books she published in the latter half of her career.

        2. Dark Macadamia*

          That’s funny! I’ll have to try a Marple sometime I guess! The extent of my knowledge of her before this book was the Doctor Who episode lol

      2. Snoozing not schmoozing*

        Christie was really good through the 30s, had a few meh ones in the 40s, got back in the groove in the 50s, then got nearly unreadable for me in the 60s. The characters weren’t interesting and the books were way too talky, and she relied on flashbacks too much.

        1. UKDancer*

          Yes, Third Girl was not her best and her later ones deteriorated sharply in quality in her later life. The early ones are the best in my view (with a few noteable exceptions). I love “Murder of Roger Ackroyd” “Death comes as the End” “Cat Among the Pigeons” “Towards Zero” “Mysterious Mr Quin” and “Then there were None”. I also love the Miss Marple short stories called something like “The Tuesday Night Club” rather more than the long books about Miss Marple.

        2. Irish Teacher*

          I think Christie was sort of out of touch with the later 50s and early 60s but felt she had to write some “up to date” stuff and some of the characters, especially in Third Girl came across as sort of an older person’s stereotype of “young people these days.” (Actually, there’s a bit of that as early as Peril at End House.)

          Christie is at her best with traditional country house style murder mysteries. She experimented with styles sometimes and…it didn’t always come off. In my opinion, some of her best are Crooked House, Ordeal by Innocence, Hickory Dickory Dock, The Moving Finger, Three Act Tragedy and Murder in Mesopotamia.

          1. Dark Macadamia*

            This was definitely the vibe I got. I started the book and was like wait is this… the 60s? by Agatha Christie?? I didn’t even realize she was still writing then and it really didn’t end up being what I’d wanted to read.

          2. IT Manager*

            There was an interesting analysis of her writing … style? Lexicon? … anyway, if how she write, that found that her writing gets sharply less sophisticated in sentence structure and vocabulary. Potentially as a result of undiagnosed dementia in later life.

            Certainly it would explain how some of her books are wonderful and then some … just boring.

      3. word nerd*

        The Mother Tongue is fun, but be warned that there are a lot of inaccuracies in the book if something doesn’t sound right to you. (You can check the bad Goodreads reviews to see some of them.)

      4. MEH Squared*

        I am a HUGE Poirot fan (and don’t care for Marple, so I’m one of those people), have read all the novels several times–except for a few I’ve only read two or three times. One of the latter is the Third Girl, which is my least-favorite Poirot novel of all time. I would start with The Mysterious Affair at Styles which is the first Poirot novel just to get the feel and flavor of him.

        My favorite are The Big Four, Murder on the Orient Express, Who Killed Roger Ackroyd, and Curtain (the last Poirot novel). I had to accept, though, that the novels were written in a fdifferent time and are filled with ethnic/racial stereotypes, classism, and other issues. But I love Poirot as a character.

        1. UKDancer*

          Yes I think you’re absolutely right. Agatha Christie was an upper middle-class woman who was born in the late 19th century so her work shows the biases and views of someone from that era and class. You can’t expect her to write like someone would today. I think you either accept that and enjoy the books for what they are or don’t read them. If you look at any of the other writers of that period (Dorothy Sayers, Ngaio Marsh, Margery Allingham) you’d probably find fairly similar views to some extent.

          I don’t read Ian Fleming because I find his level of racism, sexism and homophobia unpleasant. But I accept that those were the views he wanted to express and he didn’t write his books with my pleasure in mind. So I don’t read them. But I wouldn’t ban or change them because I think books should exist as they were written and not as we’d like them to be written.

    8. OtterB*

      T Kingfisher’s newest, A House With Good Bones. I am generally not the audience for horror, but I found this one creepy but not really horrifying. And it also includes Kingfisher’s typical humor and practical heroine.

      1. SarahKay*

        Was very excited to find out there is a new T Kingfisher out; scurried off to buy it…. it’s not out in the UK until 5th April. Bah!
        Oh, well, it’s pre-ordered now and gives me something to look forward to later this week when I’m fed up with Month End reporting at that-place-that-shall-not-be-mentioned.

    9. Lilo*

      I just DNF Angelika Frankenstein makes her match. I just found the whole concept really questionable on consent. Maybe they make up for it later, but it was a no for me.

      1. word nerd*

        I finished it hoping it would get better because I normally like Sally Thorne, but yeah, it didn’t really get better. You did not miss out. I was troubled by the consent too, along with the weird jokes about randomly switching body parts for people that will become conscious??

    10. Falling Diphthong*

      I’m reading The Mimicking of Known Successes, a Holmes-esque mystery set on Jupiter. It’s interesting more than delightful? The characterization feels very stilted–I don’t know either of the main characters to the extent that I would expect more than 100 pages in.

      Also I am really puzzled by gravity never being a consideration. Like I’m glad that the book acknowledges Jupiter doesn’t have a solid surface, but putting habitats on its gaseous surface is a strange choice.

    11. GoryDetails*

      I finished the audiobook of The Gone-away World by Nick Harkaway, and thoroughly enjoyed it – not least for a climactic battle that managed to be wildly suspenseful and utterly wacky at the same time.

      I’m also enjoying The Price You Pay by the same author, though under his pseudonym “Aidan Truhen”; it’s about a clever, pretty-much-amoral-though-with-standards guy named Jack Price, whose lucrative business as a drug-distribution facilitator is interrupted when his elderly neighbor is murdered, under circumstances that lead him to realize that he’s now a target of the internationally infamous team of assassins known as the Seven Demons. When they go a step too far (in his opinion, of course) he decides to take the battle to them, displaying some truly over-the-top levels of preparation and gutsiness – plus a disregard for collateral damage… Anyway, it’s very, very entertaining, not least because I have already read the sequel and know how things are going to work out between Jack and the Demons (though not how difficult it will be for them to get to that point).

      For a change of pace, the evocatively-titled The Trees Grew Because I Bled There by Eric LaRocca is a collection of eerie/disturbing short stories; some are poetic and rather vague, some are brutally terrifying. Am enjoying them.

      1. Suze*

        I also enjoy Harkaway. I found Gnomen odd and sometimes difficult but enjoyed it regardless

    12. bassclefchick*

      I just started Legends & Lattes by Travis Baldree. It’s really good. An Orc decides to give up the mercenary life and open a coffee cafe. I’m actually rather sad that it’s a stand alone because I would absolutely read more!

      I also just got the audiobook Darius by JR Ward. I don’t usually care for audiobooks, but that’s the only format available and I LOVE the Black Dagger Brotherhood. I am very impatiently waiting for Lassiter. LOVE that angel!

      1. GoryDetails*

        Re Legends & Lattes: I enjoyed that one very much. (As a longtime D&D player I appreciated the adventure-crew tidbits, but was also pleased to find that the story was so very… cozy!)

        It looks like there is another book, though it appears to be a prequel: Bookshops & Bonedust.

    13. word nerd*

      I’m curious if people have a system for keeping track of books. I use Goodreads for the books I finish, but I don’t like putting my DNF on there because it clutters things and I don’t want it to affect my book count for the year. But a couple days ago, I read a book for about 20 minutes before I decided not to keep going, then realized that I’d given up on this book already a year and a half ago and hadn’t remembered that. So do you make notes to yourself for stuff like this or just assume this comes with the territory sometimes if you look at a lot of books?

      2. Dark Macadamia*

        On Goodreads if you don’t attach dates to DNF books they won’t count toward your annual challenge, so that’s an option if you’re okay with not having a date on it.

      3. Weaver, reader of almost everything*

        I created a shelf titled Abandoned on GR. It doesn’t affect my read count, but it helps me to remember not to try those books again.

        1. word nerd*

          Ooh, I like this, thanks! I probably should do shelving on GR in general, but it’s kind of daunting now when there are already a bunch of books on there I haven’t shelved, but I could at least do it going forward.

    14. Clisby*

      I most recently finished “Ducks: Two Years in the Oil Sands,” a graphic memoir by cartoonist Kate Beaton. She chronicles leaving her home in Cape Breton for a well-paying two-year stint working in the Alberta oil rush. Really interesting, but often grim.

    15. Donkey Hotey*

      Just finished “No Gods No Monsters” by Cadwell Turnbull. Slow burn, low grade horror that answers the question “What would you do if monsters were real?” with “Given the last few years of current events, probably nothing unless it impacted you directly.” Best of all: while it’s technically the first book in a trilogy, it is a complete standalone novel in its own right.

      Just started, “Hell Bent” by Leigh Bardugo, the second in her older-than-YA “Ninth House”/Alex Stern series. Loving it so far even with a bit of a sophomore slump.

    16. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Madeline Miller’s *Song of Achilles*. I don’t love it as much as her *Circe*, but so far, it is enjoyable.

    17. germank106*

      Not much reading for myself this week, but I started reading “To kill a Mockingbird” with the older grandkids (ages 12 – 16). They enjoy the book just as much as I did when I first read it in College.
      The Geezer has put a few horror audiobooks on his library list, but he might be on his own listening to those. Still not a big fan of horror.

  15. Jackalope*

    Gaming thread! Share any games you’ve been playing this week, give or ask for recommendations. As always, all games are welcome, not just video games.

    I returned to Fire Emblem Warriors: Three Hopes this week. It’s been fun; the game still feels a bit ridiculous and over the top – I’ve done more than a million points of damage on some critical hits – but it doesn’t take itself too seriously for the most part so that works.

    1. Lilith*

      I’ve been playing a Star Wars RPG with some friends for a while, and have just volunteered to GM for the first time soon. Any tips would be very welcome!

      1. Jackalope*

        I’m a new DM too, and was super nervous when I started running. Some things I found helpful: Plan more than I think I’ll use, but try not to get to attached to it (because it’s almost certain that the players will do something wonky!). Try to review the rules beforehand – you need to know the rules in a different way if you’re running the game vs. a player. And if at all possible, let your players run with their ideas. If it completely doesn’t work or would be unfair to other players or what have you then say no, but if you are able to let them do their thing then it’s more fun for everyone. I don’t know if you have had safety conversations with your group (issues they want to avoid, how they can indicate if they’re uncomfortable with something, etc.), but if not it’s a good idea. I did NOT do this since I was playing with a group of close friends, but I ended up regretting it since I accidentally did something that was super not okay with some group members. (There are lots of ideas on how to have this talk on the interwebs if you want more ideas.)

    2. elvie*

      I’ve just discovered Hades (yes I’m a bit late) and I think it’s already one of my favourite games ever ! It’s my first time playing this type of games so I was scared of the difficulty but I find it pretty well-balanced

    3. The Dude Abides*

      After Mike Flores raved about CGB’s Standard Mono-Red list, I fired up Arena and built the deck, barely having enough WCs to do it.

      Deck is nutty, and is very much my jam. Quick games, an archetype I love playing, and I can lean on my experience with similar archetypes to win games I shouldn’t.

    4. ecnaseener*

      I’m still really into Wordle variants, particularly Lirdle (where it lies to you once per line). But this is mainly a PSA for any Squardle fans that this year’s April fools twist is brutal!!

      1. Clisby*

        My daughter is trying to get me into Murdle, but I’m already wasting enough time on Artle and Wordle.

    5. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Adjacent, but I just got home from seeing the new D&D movie. I told my husband, “I’m pretty sure I’ve sat at a gaming table with all of those players before. Except the druid. I’ve played that druid before.” Quite entertaining, and I’m pretty sure very follow-able even if you don’t know anything about D&D. (But the people who do know D&D will be able to go “I know THAT spell, and I know THAT spell, and I know THAT spell, and … ” )

    6. Presea*

      Kingdom Hearts III! I must have played II about a hundred times as a kid plus a good chunk of the non numbered games. I didn’t have a current gen console that could play III when it came out and I never went back to it because it had such a bad rep in the fanbase. But a youtuber I like gave me a new perspective on what its strengths actually are and I realized the bad rep was probably caused by flawed expectations. (among other things, it took about 13 years after II for III to come out, and it had the gargantuan task of wrapping up a seriously convoluted plot). Coming into it with a realistic idea of what its strengths are, and having let go of the idea of ever understanding the actual details of the plot in favor of understanding the Feels… its a great time!

    7. Emotional support capybara (he/him)*

      Still plugging along in side stuff in Like a Dragon: Ishin. Every time I say “I am definitely going to move the plot along today” I end up fishing or doing trooper missions or playing Cooking Ojisan forever.

      So all that cooking gave me the itch to play some Cooking Mama, and now I’m noodling around with Sweet Shop on the 3DS.

    8. Free Meerkats*

      Started playing a Demonology Warlock in WoW Dragonflight. Have it up to 27 and had forgotten how much fun they can be.

      Looking forward to Diablo 4, but have had it confirmed by a Blizzard insider I know that they will not be porting it to Mac. So now I need to decide, do I replace my spouse’s PC with something new (actually needed, but they hate change) that has some higher end graphics, or do I get a console. And if a console, which one? I’m not a console gamer, I’ve only owned 2, a Vectrex and an N64; I still have both.

      1. LimeRoos*

        If you do console, I’d recommend the Switch if you’re not usually a console gamer. I played Diablo 2 Resurrected on the Switch and it was awesome! And there’s a ton of other fun games – plus Nintendo Switch online which has a lot of early console titles which you may like if you still have the N64.

    9. I take tea*

      We tried out a board game called Equinox, but at least the first try felt like a bit too complicated for not enough fun. Is anyone familiar with it, does it improve with playing?

  16. Bluebell*

    Does anyone have any good shoe stretching/breaking in tips? I got some great Clarks two weeks ago that I thought would be good to take on a trip, but they are just a bit too tight at the wide part of my feet, and start hurting after 2 hours or so.

    1. takeachip*

      If you have a wide toe box, Clarks just may not work for you. I’ve tried so many different styles over the years, I’ve given up on them. I think if the shoes are still tight after 2 hours there may not be much you can do, but you could try taking them to a cobbler/shoe store/Nordstrom and asking to have them put on the stretching machine.

      1. fposte*

        Oh, interesting; I have duckfeet and Clarks are a go to for me. I do buy the wide sizes, so maybe that’s the key.

    2. WoodswomanWrites*

      That sounds to me like your shoes are the wrong size. Clark’s shoes in particular are designed to be comfortable. If your feet are like mine, you can try the same size but in a wide version so you have toe room. I’ve found that my feet have widened over the years, which apparently is common.

      1. takeachip*

        I’ve tried different sizes but this brand just doesn’t work unfortunately, as I like so many of their styles. I have bunions in addition to a wide toe box which complicates things.

      2. Hazel*

        I have to go a half size up in Clarks to get the arch to hit in the right spot, maybe this also puts the widest part of the foot in the right part of the shoe too. It seems like their last (shoe form) is different to most N. American brands.

    3. RuledbyCats*

      A good shoe store should have a spray bottle of leather stretcher that you can use – spray on/in the area needing stretching, wear & walk, etc. They would have instructions. I’ve used with success, but it’s been a while. Does NOT, as far as I know, work on cloth or synthetics – but a good store with good products will be able to advise.

      1. Anonymous 75*

        My cobbler also recommended using rubbing alcohol of your don’t want to spring for actual leather stretcher. And when I asked him what he does, he said if it’s showing he has a little time to spend on he just gets the whole shoe wet, wear them around the house/yard and let them stretch and dry naturally.

    4. Dancing Otter*

      They make adjustable shoe trees that you can set just a little wider to stretch the shoes. Or ask your favorite cobbler to do it, if you have a reliable one.

      For a more frugal approach, I’ve heard good things about tennis balls, also very firmly packed newspaper or hand towels, after slathering the leather with leather balm.

      Oh, my daughter says, you can put on thicker than usual socks and just tough it out for a few hours. Afterwards, the shoes feel great with normal socks. Not sure if that’s breaking in the shoes or the feet…

    5. Not A Manager*

      A friend of mine who used to be a model says that they used to soak two pairs of thick socks in rubbing alcohol and then wear the shoes over them. I have no idea whatsoever if that works. It sounds like a horrible experience, though.

      Okay, I just googled and the first hit says to spray the leather with rubbing alcohol where you want it to stretch, and then use your hands or wear socks to stretch it out, so I guess maybe her system would work.

    6. mreasy*

      I’ve only had good results having a shoe repair person do it, but they have generally charged under $10.

    7. eeeek*

      I always have to stretch my shoes a little – I have a spray bottle with a 50/50 mix of water and rubbing (isopropyl) alcohol. I spray a little inside at the tight space, then some outside, then I put the shoes on. Often that’s enough. If I need more stretching, I spray generously and then use a handheld hair dryer to apply heat to the area that needs to stretch.
      This only works on leather uppers, and it’s best to go bit by bit vs. trying to get them all stretched out all at once.
      I did invest in a shoe stretcher with moveable bits that can imitate the various knobby bits of my toes and feet – that thing works great, but since I only have one I can only do one shoe at a time. I never plan ahead that well!
      I do not recommend the “hack” involving filling plastic bags with water and putting them in your shoes and then the shoes in the freezer. Messy and ineffective. (And gross.)

    8. Bluebell*

      Thanks everyone for your tips! Unfortunately the upper is synthetic. There’s plenty of room in the toe box but it’s the area below that which is just a bit too tight, alas. It’s a shame, because I have occasional plantar fasciitis, and the arch support in these is terrific, plus they are cushy and nonslip soles. So many things I love.

  17. Old Plant Woman*

    Writing question. It seems to me that authors, especially action and mystery writers, use character’s first or last names interchangeably. So James Green gets called Jamie by his mom and lover, James by his buds and Green by his fellow spies. All good. I’ve got it figured out, right? Then the author sends James to a show down with his nemesis John South. Green gets shot by South. Then John, full of regrets, is thrilled James was wearing super protective gear, buys him a drink and they take over the world together. Yeah ok. Got carried away there. How do authors do that. Then we have 8 characters to keep track of. Help me out here

    1. RagingADHD*

      To me it makes sense that Green and South switch to first names when they become friends. IME, you get very invested in characters when you’re writing, as if they were real people. It’s no harder to keep track of them than it is to keep track of your family’s names.

      I am very grateful to my editor who advised me not to give characters names that were too similar, for the sake of the reader. Personally, I think James and John wouldn’t be the best idea in the first place. James and Paul, or something, would be better.

      You also see the character’s arc, so you know them by what they do in the story. Sometimes the names don’t even matter or get chosen until the draft is well underway, or get changed in rewrites. I once got all the way through the first draft referring to an unpleasant secondary character as “Douche.”

      Thank goodness for find-and-replace.

        1. RagingADHD*

          Or it could be a flaw in the writing. The whole point of writing is to get what’s inside your head across to someone else. It can be crystal clear in the author’s head and still be muddled on the page.

        2. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

          There is always the old trick of the index-card-as-bookmark. Write down the names as you go and refer to it when you get confused.

      2. Not A Manager*

        When I was a child, I read The Voyage of the Dawn Treader first in the Narnia books. There are two very different characters named Edmund and Eustace. I wasn’t a great reader, and I’d never heard of either name, so I didn’t even try to sound them out. I just thought of them vaguely as “that E person.” I guess when they were in the room together I realized they were two different characters? But mostly I spent a lot of the book very confused about why that E guy was sometimes nice and reasonable, and sometimes a big jerk.

        1. Ally*

          Oooh and if you’d started with Lion Witch and Wardrobe you’d be even more confused! “This E guy is literally all over the place!!”

    2. Madame Arcati*

      For the love of all that’s holy, don’t read Tolstoy. Russians have even more variants and (pre-revolution) honorifics. They make several diminutives of every first name, use first name plus patronymic as a respectful title and back then you probably get lord so and so as well. So Alexander Baryshnikov could be Alexander, Alexei, Alesher, Alyosha, Alexander Grigorevich, Gospodin Baryshnikov…

      1. Hlao-roo*

        From what I recall of reading Dostoyevsky, every character had three names:

        The name they were referred to in the narration (usually their last name?)
        The name they were called in dialogue by close friends and family (a diminutive of their first name)
        The name they were called in dialogue by other people (their full first name? their middle name?)

        Was very confusing for me at first, but once I had a cheat sheet of everyone’s three names it got a lot better. And it helped that the narrator consistently used one name, so no switching back and forth between James and Jamie and Green in the text, just in the dialogue.

      2. FD*

        And it is not especially intuitive on the first read that Kitty is short for Ekaterina. I mean when you stop and think about it, it makes sense, but when you’re already getting ready to who refers to who is what it’s a little bewildering.

      3. MEH Squared*

        I tried to read War and Peace when I was 10. I gave up for this very reason–the name issue. I just could not keep everyone straight as I read.

    3. NotBatman*

      I think this is a convention that’s a) old, and b) British. Pre-20th century, it was pretty common to use first and last names interchangeably, and it’s still common in many non-US cultures. And it can convey important character information — like the moment a character goes from calling their teacher “Mr. Jones” to calling him “John,” or two cops saying “I think Jones is the killer”/ “What, John? He would never!”

      That said, it’s annoying and unnecessary in most modern American fiction. Michael Crichton is awful at giving characters double first names (Alan Grant, Ellie Sattler, Ian Malcolm, John Arnold) and then flip-flopping about which he uses. Also, there are three (3!) people in Jurassic Park with the first name “John.”

    4. Doc is In*

      What irks me is when they use last name for men and first name for women, even when they are colleagues/equals.

    5. FD*

      The only solution I have personally found for this is audiobooks. For whatever reason I can keep track of it easier if I hear it instead of reading it.

    6. Come On Eileen*

      I will sometimes use the Notes app on my phone to write down the characters and something about each one that helps me remember who is who! I recently read And Then There Were None by Agatha Christie and I knew going in there were 10 characters who would die one by one. So I wrote a note with names of each of the ten and a few notes so I’d remember who was who. I only had to refer back to it in the first few chapters and then didn’t really need it anymore.

      1. Tuppence*

        One of the Christie publishers, and I can’t remember which one, lists the characters with a brief description at the front of each book. I often keep a finger on that page until I’m a few chapters in.

    7. Texan In Exile*

      I’m still ticked off about the two Cathys in Wuthering Heights. I shouldn’t have to work so hard to keep track of the characters.

      1. fueled by coffee*

        Omg tenth grade me was so mad about the Catherine/Cathy situation.

        In general, as a reader, I think I can usually keep track of an individual character with multiple nicknames fairly easily provided any nicknames are very common nicknames for other names I know the character by – I will not be surprised if a character I know as James is sometimes also called Jamie, or if Elizabeth is sometimes called Lizzie. But (with apologies to the Princess Diaries) an “Amelia” who also goes by “Mia” will need some heavy-handed explaining by the author to make sure I catch on (ditto, say, people who call a redheaded character “Red” instead of their actual name).

    8. Donkey Hotey*

      Welcome to why I can’t read a lot of British history. “Well, you see, his name is George but he’s the Earl of Clarence, so we call him Clarence.” Only you never are told that he’s the Earl of Clarence, so I’m halfway through wondering who the hell George is.

  18. Flowers*

    Same old story of being the pinball between the doctor’s office, the pharmacy and insurance.

    I’ve been on Ozempic for a while now and I’m finally feeling the effects of the shortage (thanks Tiktok/social media!!!!!). My Dr sent a new Rx for it, the pharmacy said that they don’t have it in stock so ask the Dr to switch it. Dr switched it to something that is in stock but insurance rejected it. Pharmacy said doctor has to submit prior authorization. Dr’s office said that pharmacy has to submit the request. Insurance said that the Dr office has to submit the prior authorization and that they dont’ see any record of prior auth being submitted ever.

    Just laying out the facts written here, the fault seems to be with the Dr, but tbh I’m really disappointed. I’ve always had a good experience with them and no issues, so…idk. Luckily I have enough so I’m good for a few weeks but man it sucks being shoved around like that and not knowing who’s telling the truth.

    Advice? Commiseration? Share your own stories?

    1. Old Plant Woman*

      So frustrating! Keep talking to everybody, especially the doc. Old saying “Squeaky wheel gets the grease.” Been my experience that there is usually somebody in any organization who really knows how to get stuff done. Find that person and make them a life long friend. Bribes are acceptable. I seriously feel for you.

    2. KatEnigma*

      Well, mine has/had me on Mounjaro already and no one has discovered it yet, but I have an awesome Endo who looks up what my insurance covers before he writes the prescription. So that’s why I have freestyle libre instead of Dexcom since he saw which one my insurance covered 100%. Don’t ask me how I found this unicorn of a doctor.

      On the flip side, the same insurance decided that the MS drug my husband has been on for 9+ years (and that they now know causes exacerbations if you switch!) is no longer covered and okay, maybe they will let us get the new generic version, but even that was a fight.

      1. Flowers*

        Oh thats interesting – Mounjaro is the other one that the pharmacy said isn’t in stock. Maybe it’s my pharmacy idk.

    3. Long A*

      I had a prescription that wasn’t ready to refill yet according to insurance, even though my PCP doctor had prescribed it differently / more frequently (I was having a horrible reaction to amoxicillin). I called the pharmacy and they told me all of that, but gave me an option to pay out of pocket which I said fine, I’ll do that, I need this. I showed up at the pharmacy the next day and the Pharmacy Manager helped me. We went through the same conversation and I reiterated I’d pay out of pocket and also mentioned I’d definitely be working with insurance afterwards to submit a claim for out of pocket reimbursement since my doctor prescribed this dosage.
      I was surprised when the Pharmacy Manager then told me that fine, she had just overwritten the system and got it covered under insurance and I walked away paying 50 cents. So yeah, someone, somewhere, has power, to make things happen, but it’s hard to figure out who. I think bring direct and articulate helped me here, but also I just got lucky.

    4. rr*

      Not exactly the same thing, but in that vein, I’ve been going to physical therapy and my scheduled appointments are almost up.

      I was supposed to have two times a week (what the insurance will pay for) for 6 weeks. Now, it has been close to 6 weeks, yes, but the office won’t recognize that I didn’t actually have any appointments after my initial assessment because they couldn’t get me on the calendar right away. I got called from a wait list once, and then I waited again.

      So instead of 12 physical therapy appointments, I’ll have gotten 7 with the canceled appointment by the time my scheduled appointments are done, 8 if you include the assessment (which I don’t). I asked about scheduling more, and they said I should see the doctor again first. But by the time I do, I’m sure the calendar will be full again, and my high deductible plan is rolling over soon.

      Very annoyed. I’m tempted to point out the discrepancy, but I don’t think in this particular office it will make any difference.

    5. Ginger Cat Lady*

      Honestly, the fault is with the insurance company requiring prior authorization for ANYTHING. That is just such a scam for the insurance company to deny, deny, deny and profit! profit! profit!

      2. Anonymous for this but this is my job*

        So… the insurance company is normally implementing these programs based on request/approval by the employer offering the insurance. It is partly about managing costs at the end of the day – covering everything is expensive! – but employers ultimately control what benefits they offer, which is definitely impacted by what the employer can afford, which is in turn impacted by what the insurer charges the employer based on what coverage the employer wants. So yeah, tying health care to employment (and essentially a company’s profitability) is… not great.

        The other piece about PA is clinical appropriateness… because with everything else a patient-facing doctor does, keeping up with the latest clinical research on every treatment for every condition is *hard*. The folks that create PA criteria are doctors and pharmacists paid to do and/or keep up with the research.

        so yeah, it’s a circle of badness in that health care is commodified and health care providers are overworked, and everyone’s looking to make or save a dollar in the meantime.

        1. Observer*

          The other piece about PA is clinical appropriateness… because with everything else a patient-facing doctor does, keeping up with the latest clinical research on every treatment for every condition is *hard*. The folks that create PA criteria are doctors and pharmacists paid to do and/or keep up with the research.

          In theory. In practice? Not so much.

          For one thing a lot of the folks doing the approvals aren’t keeping up any more than the doctors are. ESPECIALLY not with newer uses for medication, etc. For another there is a fair amount of evidence that at least with some carriers, the actual vs stated policy is that some percentage of requests need to be denied, so if your request comes in when someone needs to up the denial list, you’re going to be doing the whole stupid dance.

          1. Gyne*

            Agree, the notion that doctors don’t “keep up to date” with the newer medications and need insurance companies to gatekeep sounds like insurance company propaganda… we actually spend thousands of dollars and dozens if not hundreds of hours “keeping up to date” every year as required by our licensing bodies. The idea that insurance companies somehow know better what is appropriate for an individual patient than the doctor and the patient is somewhat ludicrous.

    6. Double A*

      Every month when my husband has to renew his Adderall he prepares for a week to deal with fuckery from some aspect of the process (I am sorry for my language but there are at this point no non-swears left to describe it). There’s apparently some kind of war going on between Kaiser docs and pharmacists and they’re competing against each other to see who can be less helpful and more indifferent to their patient’s needs, using their patients as pawns in their skirmishes. It was bad before the shortages but now it involves at least 8 hours over several days and multiple trips to the pharmacy (an hour drive from our house) to maybe get his meds filled. You cannot call the pharmacy. You must show up and wait an hour or two for your answer and they won’t be even a little contrite about the inconvenience. I could go on but you get the picture.

      So I don’t have anything helpful to add, just commiseration.

      1. Sloanicota*

        Yeah OP blames TikTok but that’s actually not the source of the issue AFAIK. It’s not just an increased demand. There’s production issues, I was just reading about it in Slate. I’ll post a link in my next comment.

            1. Observer*

              It’s still totally nonsense to blame tik-tok or social media in general for either of these shortages.

        2. Flowers*

          I think both are the culprit here – production can’t keep up wtih the demand, which has increased thanks to social media (and yes I’ve had a bear of a time getting Adderall too – actually posted here a few months back!). Im 10000% behind the use of it for overweight/obese/diabetic (I’m T2 and while I haven’t dropped dozens of pounds like everyone claims I feel a REAL difference).

          1. Observer*

            Social media is really the smallest piece of this. Adderall has been abused for decades and it’s been ramping up without the need for any social media at all.

            As for Ozempic and the like, to the extent that social media is the issue, it has nothing to do with influencers getting people into it. It’s about how social media magnifies the insane attitude towards body weight in our society.

            The vast majority of people using these drugs are not abusing it in any sense of the word. And those who are, are not reacting to the latest influencer talking about this “awesome new drug” but all of the people who treat them as less than because of their weight. (Including their doctors!)

      2. Generic Name*

        OMG. I used to have Kaiser, and my son was also on adderall, and I never did figure out their Byzantine system of getting refills. And I’m a regulatory expert managing projects with complex requirements for complying with local, state and federal law. I would write down the process that worked one month, and would then do it the same way the next month, but it would never work twice!! Really infuriating, and I generally liked Kaiser.

        1. Double A*

          I’m sorry you’ve had the same issue but this does make me feel a bit better we’re not alone! My husband does not have great executive functioning (I mean…duh?) so I’ve sometimes wondered if he’s missing something, though it certainly has seemed like there are tons of hurdles. honestly he uses most of his executive functioning abilities on being able to maintain his medication. Ridiculous that it’s so difficult.

          I also generally like Kaiser but they are terrible for mental health. I’m just afraid of leaving and finding it worse out there. I can’t deal with the logistics of a PPO right now I think.

    7. OtterB*

      Hmph. Guess I had better check on an Ozempic refill before I need it. Earlier this week I called 7 pharmacies before I found one that had my daughter’s Concerta in stock. But they had only the name brand, not the generic, and the insurance wouldn’t pay for it. Also, I took the last of theirs and it wasn’t a full month.

    8. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      This is definitely an insurance issue – people need to talk to their Congressional representatives about it. From the prospective of the doctor, imagine he’s a graphic designer who gets paid to draw a logo for his client the patient. He does and the client loves it. The client takes the design to a printer of the client’s choice but they can’t do it because they are out of aqua. Client asks designer to make it again using another color and also call the printer’s ink supplier beforehand for pre approval of the new color. The designers get no additional pay for the color change or phone call. Does that seem fair?

      2. Flowers*

        That’s a fair analogy. I didn’t want to blame the Dr either as I’ve always had good results with them. Even late last year, I was able to get samples to hold me until I could find a pharmacy that had the Oz in stock but now they don’t even have samples.

    9. Llama Llama*

      Ugh. My son was seeing a very specialized specialist about a problem he has. On a medication for it prescribed by her. She gets a job elsewhere and this area doesn’t have this very specialized specialist anymore. Fine because my son’s regular specialist can manage it.
      Except his prescription needed a refill and it took like 8 attempts of talking with the pharmacy and the doctor to have it happen. (though to note original Dr. knew that to get insurance to approve it, it needed to be not for the specific reason we were seeing her….)

    10. Anonymous for this but this is my job*

      Another option is to ask your insurer’s PA department to call the doctor’s office for the review. Often they can (it may be an email or fax to the doctor, they can call but usually it’s only if the issue gets escalated or you’re running out of meds).

      It depends on what the PA is needed for, but normally the doctor needs to respond – there’s often clinical or diagnostic information needed to do the PA that the doctor would have but the pharmacy doesn’t. (ymmv on this point, because as an injectable, I’m guessing it’s going through a specialty pharmacy and that’s a whole ‘nother barrel o’ monkeys)

      But yeah, unfortunately, stay on your doctor’s office about it. It could just be backlog on their end as the reviews do take more time than prescibers sometimes like, especially depending on how the insurer handles PA.

      -source: on the team at a major insurer who sees and works these complaints

      1. Flowers*

        That’s really helpful, thank you.

        Hope you can answer this – when I call the insurance, should I relate my concern to the first person that answers (usually a customer service rep that I’m not sure is specialized in anything) or ask to escalate the issue or ask for a specific department/role to speak to?

        1. Anonymous for this but this is my job*

          At my org, if you’re calling member services, the standard rep should be able to handle that type of request – they may not “push the button” themselves but should be able to enter a request to the right area (or transfer you or get a supervisor).

          That being said – there should be a phone line somewhere directly to the PA team (i.e. doctors wouldn’t call member services, they’d call PA) which will get you to a rep in that department who likely can “push the button”. That number is usually somewhere on the insurer’s website (look for a For Providers or PA section) or may be in the phone tree when calling member services.

          Note that they don’t make these outreaches real time (they won’t put you on hold and immediately call the doctor). They’ll probably tell you to check back in 24-72 hours. But, at least you’ll know that the request is with your doctor and can follow up with the doctor’s office to get them to respond.

          Another option if the insurer isn’t helpful is to escalate through your plan/employer. Your HR should have access to an account rep or a specialized service team at the insurer who can make some or all of the legwork happen real time (the doctor still has to respond, of course). That level of complaint often gets handheld by someone like me :)

        2. user name*

          When ozempic suddenly stopped working for me, i had to do a PA for mounjaro. My insurance called the dr office while I was on hold and got the info they needed. Then the insurance faxed the form to the dr. I then called the dr and asked them to please take the form from the fax, sign it, and fax it back. Then I called the insurance back and asked them to check that the fax had arrived. Then 3 days later I called to confirm the PA had been approved. It seemed like a ridiculous system but I will say that mounjaro is magic for my diabetes so the hassle was well worth it. I have better numbers than ever and NONE of horrible side effects like I had from ozempic.

    11. RLS*

      I’m not on Ozempic but am on several pretty much life or death maintenance meds for another condition. I’ve had some very, very frustrating times on the phone with my insurance, at the pharmacy where they tell me my insurance card is wrong even though I’d paid the premium two days before, or when they say they can’t do it for some other reason. I finally got better insurance and it’s been ok but I can definitely commiserate. Hope things improve soon it’s really an awful position to be in.

    12. fposte*

      Ugh. Commiseration and my own story. I’m generally pretty lucky with my prescriptions, but my eye doctor wanted to try me on Azasite, which he was pretty sure my insurance wouldn’t cover (and there’s no coupon help anywhere). My pharmacy says insurance wants a prior auth. Fine; I contact the doctor and let him know. The insurance refuses to fill with the prior auth (then why even ask for it in the first place?). There is the possibility of an appeal, which the doctor will submit. I also have to go to a compounding pharmacy on Monday to pick up another med and I’ll ask them if they can compound an equivalent and what it would cost.

      What I find especially frustrating in all this is that the ball is always flying over my head and I don’t know where it’s going. The insurance website doesn’t list statuses on medications awaiting approval, just active prescriptions, and this a granularity beyond the pharmacy website’s capability. So I have to haul the poor pharmacist out (I really like my pharmacist) to tell me what the heck’s going on now and then go back to insurance by phone and the doctor by message to work out the next steps.

      I will leave a link to the wonderful Dr. Glaucomflecken explaining the reality of prior authorizations below.

      2. Jean (just Jean)*

        >What I find especially frustrating in all this is that the ball is always flying over my head and I don’t know where it’s going.

        Excellent summary of the situation! It’s like being the little kid whose hat got pulled off to be tossed back and forth among the bigger kids. So infuriating!

      3. Observer*

        He’s great!

        And for anyone who is not familiar with him – he’s an actual practicing doctor (or he was about 6 months ago when I listened to an interview with him). Board certified opthamologist.

    13. NotRealAnonForThis*

      Tangentially related advice:

      Take notes on every.single.conversation that you have with your doctor, your insurance, your pharmacy. Include dates, times, names, phone numbers, what you’ve been instructed to do. If you have to send anything, do it from a USPS or something else where you can get a receipt showing at least on your end that it was sent.

      It took me 9 months of fighting to get reimbursed for a prescription that was suddenly not being submitted properly to my insurance (someone at the pharmacy decided to “save me money” and not bill it, without my permission, and the signature permitting it was very clearly NOT mine; all while not realizing that I have one of those rare plans where Rx drug costs are put against total deductible.).

      Hours on the phone with the doctor, pharmacy, pharmacy HQ, and insurance
      A police report over potential identity theft (again, it wasn’t my signature authorizing the change in billing…)
      3 separate submittals of information, 2 appeals, including one where I just blew my utter stack at the executive rep who was explaining (the completely bonkers reason) why it was denied with a “if YOU WOULD LISTEN OR READ WHAT WAS SUBMITTED, that is NOT WHAT HAPPENED!!!!!”. Turns out that the files associated to the appeal weren’t reviewed prior to denial. Twice. Because apparently my insurer only forwards the cap sheet to the reviewing committee.

      ::passing beverage, dessert, or deep fried food of choice in commiseration and sympathy::

  19. Iris West-Allen*

    Can anyone recommend some reasonably priced wireless earbuds that are still good quality?

    1. PollyQ*

      I asked this question just about a year ago, and I have, unf0rtunately, an anti-recommendation. I got the Klipsh wireless which are great in many ways, but have a truly terrible battery life. It’s supposed to be up to 8 hours, but it’s often no more than 2.

      So, *listening* for new recs on this thread as well.

    2. anon24*

      I got the jbud jlab sport about a month ago and so far I’m happy with them. They cost $60 I think? The sound isn’t the most amazing thing I’ve ever heard, but it’s by no means bad. I’ve listened to them for an entire afternoon with the battery staying above 50% and they charge in the case. They aren’t true earbuds, they have a piece that clips over the ear, which I need because I have a ton of piercings that don’t let earbuds stay in my ears on their own. They go everywhere with me, get tossed in my car, in my backpack, and I wear them running. Another nice feature is that they can pair to 2 different devices, so I can use them with both my phone and my laptop without having to unpair them from the other device (they’ll only connect to one at a time of course). My only complaint is minor, the case needs to be plugged in via USB to charge itself back up, whereas I’ve had cheap pairs before that could wirelessly charge the case.

      1. Emma*

        seconding jlab. I’ve had a cheap like $15 pair and one that was around $50. I liked the $50 pair better, just nicer touches like a case (the cheap ones have a case without a top so they fall out. But I’ve used the $50 version for years and it’s been great!

      2. Slightly Less Evil Bunny*

        Thirding JLab brand. I think mine were a bit cheaper (maybe in the $30 range?) and the model I got doesn’t have the over-the-ear thing (which is fine since I find those uncomfortable). Charge seems to last a long time, and I think the sound is good. The case is nice, but I think it also doesn’t have wireless charging.

    3. SJK*

      I always recommend Monoprice for headphones/earbuds.

      I have an older model of their wireless earbuds, so I can’t technically say anything about their current one: https://www.monoprice.com/product?p_id=43452
      But, my older model is a few years old and I think are still holding up pretty well (hold a good charge for both the case and ear buds, good sound quality)

      They also have wireless over-the-ear headphones if that might work for you. Again, can’t attest to these ones directly, but I’ve always been happy with my Monoprice buys

    4. KK*

      I ran through a lot of different pairs in the past few years trying to find decent ones that didn’t hurt my apparently tiny ears after 10-20 min. I have the Back Bay Tempo 30 ones now, and I like them so much more than many more expensive pairs I’ve tried. Good sound, not overly complicated, long battery life, and lots of eartip sizes. Plus, fun colors.

    5. Holly the spa pro*

      if you watch a lot of YouTube, you’ve probably seen ads from Raycon. my husband bought them for me when my old ones started to due and they are syoer comfortable, sound us clear and I get almost no background noise. they have different colors too. big recommend. I use them all the time.

      1. Octavia*

        Older models on Anker’s Soundcore line are $30-$40 and I’ve enjoyed multiple pairs of those.

    6. FD*

      I have a pair of Tozo T6 earbuds that I like fine. They’re about $30.

      They’re pretty comfortable to me although everybody’s ears are shaped differently so what works for me might not work for you.

      The sound quality is fine in my opinion, although I think someone is a little more serious about audio quality might not like it. For context, I got a pair of Bose noise canceling headphones (which are a lot more expensive) a few years ago, and after getting used to them, I can definitely tell that the earbuds don’t have quite as good sound quality, especially in the high and low end of the frequency range. (Which, to be fair, you would expect of $30 earbuds.) But they’re perfectly serviceable for normal listening, especially if you listen to something like podcasts or audiobooks.

    7. The Dude Abides*

      I have Palovue SportSound – right now they’re $21 on Amazon.

      They have a rubber part that goes over the ear, which I need – normal buds don’t stay in easily, and these even stay in when I am doing sprint workouts.

    8. Ally*

      I’ve tried a few and unfortunately (as they are spendy) the only ones I really liked were my Apple ones.

    9. Donkey Hotey*

      Speaking for myself, I buy two sets of “middle of the road” earbuds and just make peace with buying another two sets next year, because that’s about how long it takes me to lose one, start using the next, find the first, lose the next, find the next, lose the first, and lose the next.

      I’ve also bought the exact same set of earbuds under about three different business names on Amazon. The most recent set is marked “Letscom”

    10. I'm just here for the cats*

      I’ve had these for a few months and they are really good. I like that they have the rubber inserts for the ears.
      https://a.co/d/7yazPHd

      I’ve also got the heyday earbuds from target. They’ve lasted almost 2 years. they are Bluetooth but still have the wire from ear to ear.

        1. PostalMixup*

          I also hated those. They’re just too hard and unforgiving and make my ears hurt. They’re actually the only earbuds I’ve ever thrown away while still functional.

    11. TechWorker*

      I have some Jam Athlete ones; I admit to not exactly being a connoisseur when it comes to sound quality but they are comfortable & charge lasts well.

    12. WorkNowPaintLater*

      I’m currently using Skullcandy Evo earbuds at work to handle Zoom meetings – they’ve worked well and hold a charge really well considering they sometimes get ignored for a month. I also use them for music on days when I can’t use a speaker at my desk.

    13. Observer*

      True wireless or neckbuds?

      I’ve been pretty happy with my PixelBud A. I’m not a big fan of true wireless, though. My go to is a pair of lower end Sony neckbuds. I don’t do a lot of high quality music, though so I can’t say how it would work with that. But they are comfortable and have a decent seal and good battery life. No noise cancellation, though.

  20. Teapot Translator*

    I have a hiking question. Do we have people here who’ve done hiking holidays? Think more Camino de Santiago than Appalachian trail.
    I’d like to do one (not this year), but the only person I know who does those kind of holidays (mainly locally) walks a lot. Like maybe 10 hours a week? Like every week of the year. And I’m more with the 150 minutes of moderate exercise per week crowd. So my question is, if I want to do a walking/hiking holiday safely, do I have to work my way to 10 hours of walking per week or is there hope with less walking? I want to have reasonable expectations and be realistic. And I’m not aiming for 20 km/day walking holidays either.
    I do hike in the spring/summer/fall, but that’s maybe 10 km once a week max.

    1. WoodswomanWrites*

      I have a friend who walked the Camino de Santiago in her 70s with what sounds like comparable conditioning to yours. She just took her time and enjoyed it so much that she did it again a couple years later.

      1. Sloanicota*

        The reason that one is particularly good is that it’s not too hilly, I believe, and it’s in a built environment. There are lots of lovely hiking holidays but they are often in mountainous areas, and you do have to be in good shape for that (15 miles flat is totally different from 15 miles up and down the whole time!) as well as generally being remote areas where you’d want some wilderness and safety skills. Other meditative treks like the Camino would probably be great for OP. I think they are often religiously-oriented (but your experience need not be) so maybe searching for terms like “pilgrimage” or “meditative walk” or whatever would find more in that vein.

        1. Donkey Hotey*

          “Built environment” – This right here.

          The Camino is set up to support you. You can never go too far without another albergue or hostel or church or whatever. Moreover, if you want to really be fancy, you can hire people to drive your bags to your next destination, so all you need to carry is your passport, an extra layer, and a water bottle.

          The only other experience that comes close is Hadrian’s Wall in northern England (and to be fair, I’m going on pre-Covid experience. No clue what they’re up to this season.)

          1. Teapot Translator*

            My colleague who walks a lot and is going on a walking holiday soon wants to do the Camino, but by herself. I think I’d prefer some support even if it’s just seeing the same people at the beginning and the end of the day.

        2. Teapot Translator*

          I’m not religiously-inclined, but I enjoy walking and hiking. And yes, I think a built environment is better if I do a walking holiday.

      2. Teapot Translator*

        From reading yours and others’ comments, I think “ability to take your time” (so no, organized tour where everyone walks the same number of km in the same amount of time) is important! Thanks!

    2. KatEnigma*

      My inlaws were going to hike the Cinque Terre. They started conditioning for it… and then decided to take the train that runs the Cinque Terre and go on day hikes in sections instead.

      Now they are leaving in 3 weeks to bike through the Netherlands and they aren’t biking enough distance to do the minimum required for that per day either.

      1. Teapot Translator*

        You know, train + days hikes sounds like a lovely holiday to me! I love trains.

        1. KatEnigma*

          It honestly was a great solution. And if they wanted to take a day off from hiking, they got an umbrella chair on the beach.

    3. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

      I’ve done a 5 day Ozark Trail backpacking trip that I planned myself and I learned a few things.
      -make sure your shoes are properly broken in. I’d worn mine for a lot of miles getting in shape in my neighborhood, so I thought I’d be fine. Major blisters. Proper hiking has a lot more sideways and twisting motion because of the uneven ground.
      -weight makes a big difference. If you’ve never carried a loaded backpack for miles, give it a go now. I don’t know if a 20 lb backpack is twice the work of being unloaded, but it sure feels like it. You will need a proper hiking backpack too, that distributes the load comfortably.
      -hills make a big difference. It’s a lot of work to get yourself up them, especially carrying a backpack
      -5 days is not enough time to get in better shape, only more worn out.
      -don’t count on doing more than your training. I thought, since I could get X miles a day squeezed in around a full day’s work, I could do maybe 1.5X if I hiked all day, so plan for 1.2X to be safe. No, I got less than X miles.

      Honestly, 10 hours of walking per week sounds a bit low. If you can do 10 km as a one time thing, I’d guess (based on my experience) that you’d be good for 5-6 when you have to keep doing it tomorrow. Think about the way you feel the day after a long hike, then imagine getting back on the trail with your tired legs and making them even more tired. Plus weight to make you more tired.

      1. Teapot Translator*

        Thanks for all that information! Particularly the number of miles per day during “normal life” vs what you can do in a hiking holiday.
        I think the ten hours is my colleague’s baseline, and she increases her walks and goes out walking with her backpack when she prepares for her holidays.
        I do have hiking boots and a day backpack that fits well. At least I know I don’t want to do a holiday where I have to carry all my stuff around with me during the day (so it would have to be with baggage service or centred walking).
        I know my level for day-hikes (vs walks), so if I do a walking holiday, I’d want it to be rather flat.

    4. yellow tulips*

      What’s your goal for the holiday? If you have a set holiday time , *and* want to do a set distance- like the camino – it’ll go much better if you’ve practiced walking for 15 or 20 km several days in row, to know how you do, how your body reacts, etc. If you want to do the camino (say), but you’ve not practiced walking 20 km every day, and you’re not quite up to it, but you can take it slowly because it doesn’t matter if you finish in one month or two, that’s also ok. Or, if you have a fixed time but can take a train for part of your distance, or you don’t care if you do a set distance that’s also fine. So, the question goes back to: what’s your goal?

      1. Teapot Translator*

        My goal is not to get hurt if I do go on a walking/hiking holiday! But you’re right that flexibility is important: the option to walk less or rest certain days. Something to keep in mind.
        And all of this is making me realize that even for my holiday in Septembre, I should train. It’s not a walking holiday, but I’ll be walking a lot in cities.

    5. Old Plant Woman*

      Used to back pack 10 hours a day and camp for a week or two. Balance and coordination precludes that now. Damned shame. But I have other fun. Suggest you research planned hikes. Match them to your fitness. Decide how much challenge you want, how much comfort. You have a lot of time so you can tinker with your abilities and your wants. Just make sure they match up where your happy
      .

    6. Stroller not hiker*

      I am doing a holiday walk of the Cotwolds this summer. A non-athletic friend had done it in the past so it seemed doable. I enjoy walking but usually do about 3 miles at a time, and not multiple days in a row. I worked with a company (Cotswolds Walks) that designed an itinerary around my fitness level and timeline; I’ll be walking about 6 miles from little town to little town for a week, and the company will transport my luggage so all I need is a daypack. Even with this lower level of rigor, the company strongly recommends daily training starting two months in advance. (My friend said it was important to break in your boots and get used to walking for some distances, every day.)

      I would recommend looking at walking ‘rings’ or more tourist-driven walking paths. England/Ireland have a lot! I’m sure people have figured out some easier ways to do the pilgrimage paths like the Camino, but in general, these are strenuous paths. I talked with one researcher and he said pain is part of the allure for many pilgrims; they feel closer to God through the suffering.

      1. Teapot Translator*

        Hmm, I do not want to suffer. I’m more a tourism prilgrim. :D
        Thank you for the information! And for name of the company. Always looking for companies that organize walking tours.
        Scotland, Ireland and England are places I’d love to visit, maybe as part of walking tour. I saw a TV show about the beauties of Ireland and it looks beautiful, but I’m guessing they only filmed on sunny days. A place that green has to get a lot of rain!

    7. Lilo*

      It really depends on what you want to do. I’ve done Shenandoah and Acadia hiking holidays recently but I am a very experienced hiker. Now both of those parks have less intense trails too. For instance, I climbed Mount Cadillac but there is an option to drive up. Most trail maps should rate difficulty and you can check out specific hikes on AllTrails. Don’t go from being inexperienced to trying to do an intense trail, you absolutely can hurt yourself.

      So set your goals realistically, research the trails before you go. I’d definitely practice with local hikes/walks first.

      1. Teapot Translator*

        Thanks!
        I know what my level is at the moment with hikes and it’s nowhere near 20 km per day even on flat surfaces (or rather, I could do it once and then have to rest the next day). Which reminds me that I should organize the day-hikes I want to do this summer by increasing difficulty.

    8. Camelid coordinator*

      I am so glad you asked this question! In 2018 the bus, kiddo and I did a walking pilgrimage to Canterbury. We used a company (as you can do on the Camino) that arranged our lodging and moved our luggage every day so all we had to do was walk (and find lunch and dinner). On average our trip was about 15km a day, and we were not very intentional about training beyond what we did for fitness. I am sorry to tell you it was tough and that we will train much more before we do the next one! (We are looking at St Cuthbert’s Way in 2024.). Another choice might be to set your itinerary so you have less walking each day, say around 10 km, and build in some off days to recover. I hope this helps and can’t wait to hear more about what you are thinking!

      1. Teapot Translator*

        Thanks! This really helps give me an idea! And yes, if I do decide to do a walking holiday next year or further in the future, I’ll certainly ask for advice here!

    9. FD*

      I’m assuming that you are not in the US because you used kilometers so I don’t know what the local equivalent of this might be. What I really enjoy doing is will do a week-long hiking trip but the way that we do it is we pick a central location that is convenient to several state parks. Where I live, you can get an annual pass that gets you into all the state parks, so we’ll pick a cheap hotel or decent motel at Central to them all. That lets you pick how far you want to go on any given day, you just go to the park and then hike as much as you feel comfortable and come back.

      Since you have a central location to go back to, you’re not having to haul a whole bunch of gear around which really adds to the difficulty.

      The other nice thing about parks like that in my experience is they tend to have lots of little loops instead of one big route that you basically have to commit to. So for example there might be a main loop that’s four or five miles, but there might be several little loops off of that that add an extra mile or so a piece, so you can do those extra loops or not do those extra loops as you see fit.

      1. Teapot Translator*

        Thanks for the suggestion! I’m in Canada (the land where we mix metric and imperial measurements!) and yes, I think I need to do a short holiday where I do some hiking to see what I can do.

    10. Cendol*

      I do long 15-20+km hikes in the summer and autumn months but am largely sedentary the rest of the year. So it can be done but I think you’re flirting with injury. (In fact, I have injured myself this year by trying to do too much too soon.) I don’t think you need to have a whole training montage, but walking a little bit every day will help you get used to being on your feet for longer periods of time.

      1. Teapot Translator*

        Thanks! That’s what I’m trying to avoid, injuring myself. I tend to injure myself regularly and I persist in exercising (not while injured, once I’m better). I’m seeing a physical therapist, but there’s always this fear in the back of my mind that I’ll injure myself again. So, there’s a part of my that’s afraid that walking more will mean I’ll get injured and so I shouldn’t even dream of a walking holiday. Hmmm, I think I need to talk about it with my physical therapist.

    11. MeetMoot*

      I’d recommend the West Highland Way in Scotland. Most people do it in 7-8 days but it can be done in smaller sections and stretched to 14 days if you really want. I don’t think you need heaps of walking or hiking experience, you just need average fitness. The hardest part is the stretch past Loch Lomond, but it’s also possible to catch a bus to your next destination if you feel a certain stretch is too hard.
      There are lots of blogs and vlogs that cover it, and I think it’s an excellent entry point if you’re new to multi-day hikes.

    12. TechWorker*

      It helps to be fit(ish) but it does depend a lot on route & the distances you’re trying to do. If you don’t know how you’ll find it, why not plan something that’s just 2-3 days to start with and then you can see how it goes before committing to anything longer?

      1. Teapot Translator*

        You’re right. I tend to think in absolutes (all in or nothing at all), but it would be much more sensible to do a short holiday around here and try it out.

    13. cozyandsmiling*

      You’ve already got some great advice here. I’m chiming in to say that conditioning would be wise if you’ll be carrying a heavy backpack for the week. In this case, practice and build up to the weight you’ll carry if necessary. If you’re planning more of a day hike situation, then conditioning might not be so important. In either case, planning ahead is key, so know the terrain, duration, your strengths/limits to help avoid injuries etc.

      1. Teapot Translator*

        Thanks! Yeah, I’m realizing that this is not the kind of holiday that you just decide to do last minute. It takes planning.

    14. Hiker and Biker*

      Echoing FD. If you’re not used to hiking/walking multiple days in a row, a center-based trip with day hikes would be a much better idea for your first walking trip. I’ve hiked with groups of three or four friends, and this let some people opt out for the day, or the chance to do a less strenuous walk. Europe is very well set up for this, with lots of well-marked trails from easy to strenuous, and local tourist bureaus set up to assist walkers. In the main season (usually May/June-September/October), bus routes include trail heads. England’s Lake District, Lake Bohinj in Slovenia, and the Dolomites in Italy (consider Corvara or Ortisei) are all favorite places for this kind of holiday.

      To join a group, check out Colletts Mountain Holidays. Sadly, they’ve changed their format in most places due to Brexit — they used to employ young Britons to lead group walks at various levels — but they still do this in a few locations, and in all they have staff on hand every evening with maps and suggestions, and say they will help facilitiate formation of groups interested in the same hike. In a lot of their locations, you can arrive and depart whenever you want; you’re not limited to specific weeks.

      A point-to-point walk may be physically doable, but logistially difficult if you don’t already know what you’re capable of. The Camino de Santiago *may* (I haven’t done it) be one of the few places left where you can still set out with no reservations, so that’s another reason not to start with one of the well-known distance trails.

      Start with a less ambitious plan, find out what you’re comfortable doing, and ask people you meet if they’ve hiked places you think you’d like to go (and get ideas for places you didn’t even know about). I’m excited for you! I got invited on my first big hiking trip in 2014, and almost all my travel since then has focused on hiking. You’ll get hooked! Have fun!

      1. Teapot Translator*

        Thank you! I think a centre-based trip is the best option for my first holiday, probably next year. I’ll research how to “train” for a walking/hiking trip. I’m getting excited!

    15. Teapot Translator*

      I’m going to answer to everyone, but I just wanted to send a general thank you! You’ve given me ideas and lots to think about!

  21. WoodswomanWrites*

    A few months ago I discovered the music of Rhiannon Giddens, and now I’m completely obsessed with her live performances on YouTube. Just incredible for many reasons.

    I’d love to hear about lesser known English-speaking acoustic musicians (not famous household names) that you like that have live shows on YouTube. Specifically, I’m looking for those who are both vocalists and instrumentalists.

    And in case you would like to also become a huge fan of Rhiannon Giddens who performs music in multiple international genres, you can watch her 2019 concert at the Metropolitan Museum of Art with her trio of multi-instrumentalist Francesco Turissi and bassist Jason Sypher, both impressive in their own right. I’m posting the link in my next post.

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        I looked her up and found the trio she performs with, I’m With Her, that also includes Sara Watkins and Sarah Jarosz. They’re definitely on the watch list.

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        I hadn’t heard that song before. Beautiful.

        I’ve been enjoying the live shows of the Carolina Chocolate Drops, which I found through searching for anything related to Rhiannon Giddens. What an amazing group. Former band member Dom Flemons happens to be performing at a venue in my area in a few weeks and I’m going to the show.

    5. mreasy*

      Some of my favorites (ymmv): This Is The Kit, Brittany Howard, Nina Nastasia, Vashti Bunyan, Julien Baker, June McDoom, Emiliana Torrini, Lisa O’Neill, Lankum, Damien Jurado, Will Oldham/Bonnie “Prince” Billy, Vic Chesnutt (RIP), Scott Hutchison/Frightened Rabbit acoustic sessions (RIP), Hurray for the Riff Raff (early), Red House Painters/Sun Kill Moon (Kozelek is a terrible person but has made some beautiful music), Perfume Genius (early), The Mountain Goats (solo), Sharon Van Etten (early), The Twilight Sad acoustic sessions. I would be surprised if any of these folks aren’t available on YouTube, and in most case specifically acoustic sessions. OH! And the Nick Cave live performance film/album “Idiot Prayer” is just voice and piano.

        1. WoodswomanWrites*

          I love the performances they did together with two other Black women as Our Native Daughters. Just this week I watched one of her live shows on YouTube and found an article about her in the New York Times.

      2. WoodswomanWrites*

        The only one on this list I recognize is Hurray for the Riff Raff. I happened to stumble on them once because I know the music of Casey Neill, the singer/songwriter who wrote the original song that their band is named after.

    6. Frankie Bergstein*

      Amythyst Kiah
      Joy Oladokun
      Mickey Guyton
      Our Native Daughters
      Yola

      (Love this thread and your taste!)

    7. Clisby*

      Rhiannon Giddens won a McArthur Fellows Award (the so-called “genius” award) back in, I think 2017 or 2018. I’ve loved her work since being introduced to the Carolina Chocolate Drops.

    8. Mac (I Wish All The Floors Were Lava)*

      I have zero music recommendations for you, but I did recently discover the subreddit “ifyoulikeblank”, which is a great place to find folks swapping esoteric music tips.

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        Good to know, since I’ve never used Reddit. The thing I’ve discovered is how much I appreciate watching recordings of live shows. While I often enjoy studio albums as well, he energy of a live performance makes me feel like I’m in the audience.

  22. jasmine tea*

    Has anyone ever gotten new flooring for an entire floor of your house at once? What were the logistics?

    I’d really love to avoid having to hire someone to move all my furniture completely out of the house (to…where? The yard? The garage?) but I guess the alternative is hiring them to stand around and carry stuff from room to room as the work progresses?

    1. KatEnigma*

      Yeah. This is why we insisted that the 40 yr old carpet had to go before we moved in. Because once the 4 floor to ceiling bookcases got filled, it was never going to happen. The to where answer is to a Pod or three in front of your house/driveway. That’s what my SIL did when they had to jack up their house to repair the foundation, requiring all new flooring. (My MIL couldn’t understand why we insisting on flooring instead of painting. 75% because she hates the colors of our rooms and 25% just clueless)

      1. Sloanicota*

        Sadly for OP I agree, I did all the floors in every room after closing and before I moved in, which is not at all useful for jasmine tea.

        1. KatEnigma*

          Well I answered hizzer question too. :) My inlaws moved things into a Pods slowly with help of friends and relations on the last day. We would have had to hire movers to move stuff to/from Pods- and probably gotten a nastygram from the HOA because it took the flooring guys most of a week to replace our flooring (engineered hardwood on the 2nd floor, real hardwood had to go on the stairs) and there’s a 3 day limit on how long we can have Pods in our driveway.

    2. The Cosmic Avenger*

      I mean, technically I guess we did — we have a split-level, and the two rooms on one level had the flooring replaced at the same time because they both had water damage! They moved some things up or down the stairs to another room, but some things, like full bookshelves or a futon, just got shuffled from one room to another, mostly, or even from one end of a room to the other, as they worked. But this was covered by insurance, so we weren’t worried about extra work. I did empty the bar for them, as I have a lot of glassware in there, including crystal, in addition to bottles. If you move books and TVs and such in advance to another floor, or to closet shelves, you will probably greatly reduce the amount of time they would have to spend moving things around.

    3. My Brain is Exploding*

      I know folks who have used Pods for that. In our case, we put carpet through the entire 2nd floor and they did in on two different days, with a few days in-between. So we moved things ourselves (those furniture moving things that go under the legs of furniture were wonderful, since I’m not into lifting furniture), all into two of the rooms, they laid the carpet, we moved everything into the two finished rooms, and they completed the job a couple of days later.

    4. Generic Name*

      Yes, I got the carpets replaced on my upper floor. I moved everything I could move myself (small items) to the lower floor, and the installers did indeed move stuff from room to room as they worked. That’s how those projects go, and the workers are used to it. It’s a part of the job. I didn’t have to hire movers separately.

    5. ImOnlyHereForThePoetry*

      I did all my upstairs carpet (4 bedrooms and a hallway)
      The installers did it in 2 days – 2 rooms at a time – and moved the furniture from the rooms being installed to the rooms not being installed that day. It worked out fine

    6. Missb*

      Not quite the same, but we had new flooring installed in the entry ways and kitchen last year, then had the entire first floors refinished (all white oak, some new, some 100 years old).

      We hired a team of movers to move our furniture. We considered pods, storage unit etc but ended up having them move the stuff down to our basement/garage. It is climate controlled so that worked for us.

      The floor crews came in, did their stuff for a couple of weeks and then went away. We hired the movers to come back a couple weeks after that and move all the stuff back.

    7. LLH*

      Literally getting ready for this starting on Monday, except I’m also painting the entire house as well as removing a big section of popcorn ceiling. The company I am using includes moving furniture in their quote. Now I do have a fairly small house at 1200ish square feet and I already updated the bathrooms last year so those aren’t being touched. I have been ruthlessly decluttering over the last couple of years so while it still has been a hassle emptying the house, it’s not nearly as bad as it could be. Biggest deal was emptying every closet. I have a garage so a lot of stuff has gone out there. I’m down to mainly just furniture and then some pantry items on the kitchen table and all my clothes will go on my bed. I’m basically going to have to move out of my house for the next couple of weeks and stay at my sister’s. I definitely understand why people do whatever they can do to do this sort of work before moving into a new house!

    8. Jay (no, the other one)*

      Yup. We redid the floors in the entire house (two stories) which involved both refinishing and replacing. We did the thing you’re trying to avoid. We rented a POD for our driveway and hired movers to get the furniture out of the house and into the POD, and then again to move one floor back and the other out, and then a third time to move everything back where it belonged. Totally, totally worth it.

    9. I'm just here for the cats*

      you might want to do a few rooms one day and the rest later, because the way I understand it is they don’t recommend you walk on new floors for 24 hours. if it’s carpet been you should be ok but if it’s laminate or tile you need to wait.

      could you talk to the floor installers? sometimes they will help move items.

    10. DWIGHT SCHRUTE*

      My parents did this and moved everything to the basement or stored things in neighbors garages until it was finished. A major PITA for them but ultimately so worth it!

  23. anon for this*

    I’m in a confusing friendship situation and don’t know what to do about it. I would appreciate advice or relevant stories.

    I’m losing a friendship because my friend seems to be hiding from me out of her own embarrassment. But I don’t know what she’s hiding from me because of. All I know is that a few years ago, after a bit more than a decade of a close friendship, she shut me out suddenly, and our 3 mutual friends all started acting odd around me. I thought it was the pandemic. It wasn’t the pandemic – this friend lives alone in a low risk place that is extremely rural, and I learned later that, in her telling, nothing changed for her.

    I asked my friend if she wanted to try to repair our relationship and she said yes. She visited my town and we got together and it was nice, but once she got here, she asked if we could discuss anything other than how she’d been treating me (just me, as it turns out). I was baffled but she said she’d be writing a letter to me within a month that would explain it.

    That was at the end of 2021. I never got a letter, and one of our mutual friends hinted that it was never sent. Aside from that, thise mutual friends are still distant – one of them seems to be quietly mad at her but sworn to secrecy by her about what has transpired. I think my friend did something childish or worse behind my back and can’t admit it (telling rumors about me or accidentally sharing a sensitive secret, maybe – neither of those would be like her, but that would explain her behavior). She hates therapists or anything like them, so I can’t ask a professional to help smooth things over. I’m heartbroken – we were so close. Do I just need to move on?

    1. Dark Macadamia*

      Unfortunately, yeah, it sounds like you do. Whatever her deal is she doesn’t seem inclined to address it.

      “she asked if we could discuss anything other than how she’d been treating me” – I’m so curious how the planning of this meeting went. Did you specifically say “let’s fix this” and she agreed then refused in person? Did you invite her more generally to reconnect where she could’ve reasonably assumed (or pretended to assume) you were both going to gloss over it and move on?

      Are you the kind of person who would be willing to be really, really blunt? I’m too nonconfrontational and probably would’ve let myself get ghosted the first time around, but I think if you’re still willing to try you’re going to need to straight up say “Your behavior has been confusing and hurtful for years and you haven’t followed through on your promise to explain. I need you to be honest with me now even if it’s just to say you aren’t ever going to tell me what happened.”

      I’m sorry, this sounds really awful :(

    2. Mstr*

      I think moving on is a good idea — coming to terms with the idea that she just doesn’t have the capacity to be a friend to you right now for some reason, which is not your fault or in your control.

      This is a wild guess but could she have a crush on you? Perhaps it’s inappropriate for some reason so that’s why she’s hiding, and maybe others don’t feel like it’s their place to tell you her feelings?

      How are the mutual friends acting odd? Have you been able to ask them about it? Any clues? Are your friendships with them unchanged?

    3. RagingADHD*

      You can’t make her tell you, and you can’t make her talk to you. And there is always the possibility that if she did tell you, if might be something that really did change your opinion of her, and make it impossible for you to trust her or act like nothing had changed.

      Or it could be that it has nothing to do with embarrassment, and she is holding a grudge about something that you have no clue about.

      Her behavior, taken at face value, demonstrates that she isn’t willing to pursue a friendship with you anymore. The reasons don’t really matter if she isn’t interested in working through it.

      I’m sorry, I think this is one you have to mourn and move on from.

      1. Sloanicota*

        I agree. You can give yourself some closure. It sounds like this friend hasn’t been very good to you in several years and apparently can’t work up the energy to let you in on the secret. I don’t think there’s much you can expect from the future here, she’s apparently incapable of communicating in any useful way. And she’s adding a lot of unnecessary drama, bringing the other people in, etc. I’d be a bit put out and figure I could put this energy into making a new and improved friend.

    4. Madame Arcati*

      You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink. It sounds to me like you have done all you can reasonably do to repair your friendship but if she won’t meet you halfway then I reckon you have to mentally move on and concentrate on other friends/good stuff. Of course you can be open to her approaches if she gets her act together but she needs to make an effort here. To bookend this post with clichés; it takes two to tango.

    5. waffles*

      What a painful situation. I agree with the others that it seems unlikely that this friendship will survive. What is the status of your relationship with your mutual friends? Do you have a good relationship with them when she is not present?

      Your mutuals have not done anything wrong. However, for me, I’d be extremely
      uncomfortable that they know something about me that directly concerns me, that no one will tell me, and this affects how everyone has been treating me FOR YEARS. It is cruel. I would have a conversation with them about it, and then fade those relationships as well if I could not get any more information of why I am being treated poorly.

    6. AGD*

      I’m so sorry – a similar thing happened to me. I’m not sure if this applies, but it turned out to be mostly mental-health issues that the other person had been going through that made them really lash out a bunch of times at various people, combined with me being the one friend they really didn’t feel comfortable talking about that with. (My academic background is in cognitive science. It’s not actually psychotherapy, but it’s apparently close enough that the friend didn’t want to go there.) The combination meant that I got locked out. The friendship survived, barely, but now exists more in name than in practice.

    7. anon for this*

      Thanks so much to everyone who commented – I’m feeling so much better after just getting some outside perspectives on this. I might go back to therapy myself if I’m continuing to have trouble accepting and mentally dealing with the situation, but for now I’m very grateful indeed.

  24. Little Beans*

    Ideas for celebrating a grown up birthday on a weekday? It’s my husband’s birthday on Monday. I’m getting a babysitter for our toddler and going to take him out to a nice dinner on Sunday but I have to work weekdays so our options are limited. Just go out to dinner again at a family friendly place nearby? Try to muster the energy to cook a nice dinner? Any other ideas???

    1. Past Lurker*

      Maybe pick some nice food on the way home? I find it less tiring than eating out on a work day.

    2. Not A Manager*

      I might be in the minority, but I personally don’t really care if my birthday is marked on my actual birthday or just in the vicinity. Why not “celebrate” his birthday on Sunday, and then do a cute family thing for like 30 minutes on Monday? You could have a normal day and a normal dinner but then you and the baby could give him a cake and a special gift just from the baby on his birthday. Or something like that.

      1. Cookies For Breakfast*

        I’m the same! As long as there is cake to enjoy on my birthday, it doesn’t matter if the celebration / fun stuff moves to another date because of logistics or work.

        1. Wilde*

          Yes to the cake! In our house (two adults, two preschoolers) we eat cake for breakfast on birthdays.

    3. Princess Deviant*

      Happy birthday to your husband! It’s mine too on Monday ♤
      If you don’t have the energy to cook a dinner, would something like a simple steak and salad do with some shop-bought dessert?
      You could put up some happy birthday signs on the front door for when he comes home and put a candle in the dessert, instead of a cake.
      If you’re both low energy, what about renting a film to stream? I suppose it depends on what you both like to do. Perhaps a board game? Or even a nice bath and an early night.
      Whatever you decide, have fun.

    4. Madame Arcati*

      For the Monday, get a takeaway – “darling it’s your birthday you get to choose whatever type you like best and order a bit too much if you want” In the olden days I’d fan out the menus for good local takeaways but now I guess it’s all online!
      Then for dessert, bring out either a cake you’ve bought (the phrase “muster the energy” does not sound like a starting point for home cooking that will make anyone happy, so pay someone else to do the mustering!) or his favourite bought dessert. I once put a candle in an apple crumble for my OH’s birthday and he loved it.
      If you do get a cake, consider the ones marketed to children’s birthdays – you know him best but I know many chaps who would be delighted with a Batman cake or one in the shape of a car or football or dinosaur or space rocket. And in our office there is not a single person who, on their birthday, is not thrilled with an M&S Colin The Caterpillar cake (several supermarket knockoffs are available). I don’t think you have this cultural icon in the US but I am sure there is something similar!
      Don’t forget a card from the baby to the World’s Best Daddy etc. You could have him/her “sign” it with a paint hand- or finger-print.

    5. The Cosmic Avenger*

      Our usual practice now is to go out somewhere nice on a weekend, then on the actual birthday we’ll order in. If the birthday does fall on a weekend, we’ll still try to let the celebrant choose a weeknight takeout meal anyway, just so it doesn’t feel like less of a fuss than a weekday birthday.

    6. allathian*

      Does he like cake? A low-key celebration on the day of works for us. A bought cake should be fine if you don’t feel like baking one.

      That said, birthday celebrations on the actual day aren’t a big deal for us as a family. We got our son used to celebrating his birthday on the nearest weekend before he was old enough to understand about dates and know when his birthday was. By the time he was old enough to know when his actual birthday was, we’ve just given him a birthday present on the day, and celebrated with family on one weekend. His 9th birthday was the last one he invited his friends to, after that he hasn’t been interested in inviting his friends to a party, especially not his 11th, which was in May 2020 and would’ve been outdoors regardless of the weather. Now that he’s 13, soon to be 14, none of his classmates celebrate, either.

    7. mreasy*

      How about the dinner is the the birthday celebration, then you just grab some cupcakes on the actual day so your kiddo will feel included? No need for a special meal twice in a row.

    8. I heart Paul Buchman*

      YMMV. In my relationship I’d just put chicken nuggets and a cartoon on for the kids while Mummy and Daddy “wrap presents” in the bedroom. Good excuse to lock the bedroom door and discourages interrupting. When you are done bring out presents and a shop bought cake, serve with ice cream and there you have a great birthday enjoyed by all.

  25. L. Ron Jeremy*

    Hey everyone. My old reliable Sharp carousel microwave finally bit the dust and I need recommendations from people who recently bought a new microwave. I’m finding it difficult to suss out a reasonable quality microwave, 1.3 to 1.5 cu ft., price ranges $200 to $400. I don’t need convection cooking. What do you recommend?

    1. WoodswomanWrites*

      I recently had to replace an old microwave. In my case, I needed something to fit in a small space. After looking at various review sites, I settled on the highly rated Toshiba 0.9-cu ft 900-watt microwave. That was a couple years ago, and it works great. I imagine they make a larger version.

      1. Imprudence*

        UK here: love my panasonic combination microwave oven. So great to have an oven that heats up quickly for conventional cooking. But the programmes that combine microwave, oven and grill to e.g. do jacket potatoes in 11 mins for one, or roast an entire chicken in 30 mins are fantastic. Get one that isn’t all electronic buttons though — a twisty knob for the time makes it much less frustrating to use.

        1. L. Ron Jeremy*

          most of the three star ratings list many issues with this microwave and advise not to buy it. I look at the threes first as most 4 and 5 star reviews seem like advertisements.

      2. L. Ron Jeremy*

        thanks for the recommendation. is it black stainless steel version? I’d like to stay away from stainless as they are a pain to keep clean.

        1. Imprudence*

          current one is stainless steel. I don’t have any trouble keeping the outside acceptably clean. and I am a messy cook.

        2. WoodswomanWrites*

          Looking at the nesting for your question, I think it was for me about the Toshiba. Yes, I have the black stainless steel version. Mine has never gotten very dirty because I put a special microwave cover thing over items I heat in it so they don’t splatter. A quick wipe with a sponge has worked well and it still looks new inside.

    2. juneybug*

      We purchased the TOSHIBA EM925A5A-SS Countertop Microwave Oven in Sept 2021 and love it. We paid around $120.

      1. L. Ron Jeremy*

        I’ve read online that these microwaves start sparking and catch fire at about the 3 year mark. be careful. I’m not buying one

  26. rr*

    Talk to me about smartphones and carriers, please.

    My flip phone is dead. I have been thinking I’d replace it with a smartphone, but not this way. I’m a bit overwhelmed, to say the least.

    The last time I got a phone it was free, under a contract. Tonight, when I found out my phone was dead, I learned that most people buy phones over a period of time and then pay separately for data. I’m already paying almost $60 a month, which always seemed excessive to me, but the person I spoke with said that my bill would probably jump to around $75 a month. Not including the phone, of course. That would be for unlimited data. He suggested that if I don’t want/need unlimited data, a prepaid phone would be fine. Or I could go to Walmart.

    I don’t exactly know, of course, what I want or need under the circumstances. I’m frankly not even sure what data consists of in reference to a phone. Also, my current phone (which still has power/battery, whatever..but just can’t get a connection anymore) has pictures on it that I really value. Any way to get those over to a new phone/other place?

    Help, please? I balk at spending $80+ per month without knowing more about what I’m getting/getting myself into. I know it is time, but I find it overwhelming, which is really mostly why I haven’t done it before now.

    1. Double A*

      Look into something like Mint mobile or Consumer Cellular. Their monthly plans are cheap and if you need more data, you buy it.

      You do need to have a phone you bring to them, though. Though you may be able to buy it directly from them. I don’t know if you can spread the payment out or if you need to buy it upfront. I always just buy phones upfront.

      I have Republic Wireless and I can’t recommend them since they got bought out. But I plan to move Mint when I have time to deal with the move, and I’m sure people here will have experience with these type of companies.

    2. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

      Right, “cheaping out excessively on cell phone bill” is something I know about!

      You have two options for buying the phone-you buy a phone upfront and then find a carrier you like, or you get it “free” but then the carrier charges you for it in your monthly bill. I pay upfront, though part of this is because I simply prefer paying up front. I think you can find good deals for provider phones too though. If you buy a phone upfront, it will be “unlocked” and can be used with any carrier you want, compared to carrier “free” phones which come locked to their network so you can’t skive off with the phone before they’ve got their money’s worth out of you.

      Data is internet through the cell provider. There are also minutes (which is call time) and texts (which are texts). You can also connect to the internet over wifi, which doesn’t go through the cell carrier and so doesn’t cost you any data. I am cheap, so I keep my data turned off most of the time. Most expensive plans provide unlimited calls, texts and data. Cheap plans do not, but if you don’t use the data anyway, they are a good deal.

      I think of cell phone carriers in three catagories: the big ones, the bargain ones, and El-cheapo ones.
      -I go with an el-cheapo plan (tracphone) because I am cheap, but I don’t think I would recommend it to someone intimidated by cell phones. The customer service is lousy. But $20 gets me three months and I don’t use my phone much so it fills my needs.
      – The big ones run their own networks and want you to spend big money. One of them is probably the one asking $80/mo. IMO, they sell glamor and fancy phones as much as they do cell services, They do often have pre-paid plans, though, which are cheaper.
      -I’d recommend a bargain provider, in your case. These are the ones like Ting or Mint. I haven’t used one so I don’t have specific recommendations. They use the big one’s networks but use black magic or something to make them cheaper (so do the el-cheapo plans, for that matter.) You have to buy your phone upfront though. You’ll be looking at $20-$50/month.

      Buying a phone is always the hard part for me, because it always changes so much in the years between cell phones. And there are so many options! It’s impossible to optimize. I bought a Motorola Fast last time, and it’s been fine. Honestly, anything in the $150-$200 range is going to be perfectly fine for you. When you pick a provider, look at what they sell in that range and pick one out. (ALL cell providers also sell phones.)

    3. Ingemma*

      How much you need to pay for a smartphone will depend partially on where you’re based out of – but also on what you want out of your phone.

      What do you want out of a phone? Do you need overseas calls? How good do you want your camera to be? Do you want to store a lot of music / audiobooks or do you keep that somewhere else? (With all of this – if you have a camera & a CD collection you could decide how much consolidating that a worth for you and check the dollar amount more that would cost)

      Figure out your minimum requirements and then do a google search of at LEAST the major phone companies- you’ll almost always get a better deal if you shop around. But because there’s commission / incentives to upsell you and if you don’t know what you’re looking for, you’ll probably be offered something that’s more than you need.

      For example: If you’ve been happy enough with a flip phone without data then don’t let people upsell you to unlimited data.

      If you’re not too concerned about getting great quality photos (all your options will match or exceed what you have on your flip phone probably) and you don’t need a lot of storage, you’d be looking at low hundreds of dollars if you couldn’t find something included on a new account deal. Again, will depend on your location.

    4. MEH Squared*

      I don’t use my phone hardly at all, so I have a cheap Android phone (roughly $200) and I’m on Google Fi’s flexible plan. It’s $20 a month for one user and $10 per GB of data up to 6 GB, and then the rest is free (per cycle, which is a month). I rarely pay more than $30 a month.

      Are the pictures uploaded anywhere? All my photos are synced with Google, which I can then find at Google Photos.

    5. WoodswomanWrites*

      I bought my iPhone using points I’d accumulated through a credit card promotion. Apple had just come out with their 13 version so I bought a 12 since it was discounted. T-Mobile offers a discounted plan with unlimited data if you’re older in case that applies, and it costs me $50 a month.

      PC Magazine recently published an article, Best Cheap Phone Plans for 2023. They have a comparable one just for the phones, Best Cheap Phone Plans for 2023. That could be a good place to start.

    6. 653-CXK*

      I was an AT&T customer for over 18 years until they AT&T raised my monthly rate (I had a pretty bare-bones plan that ran me $65 a month after taxes; they wanted to raise it to $75) so I joined Consumer Cellular. I use the internet more than I use the phone itself, but 5GB of data and unlimited phone use runs me $30 a month.

      One thing I strongly recommend – buy an unlocked phone (i.e. a phone not connected to a phone carrier). I bought a brand new 2023 Motorola phone for $150 direct from the Motorola website. I could have bought the same from the CC website, but in case I wanted to go to another carrier, I can use the same phone.

    7. Just here for the scripts*

      Elspeth did a good job of explaining data—though these days it usually separated from texts and only refers to internet usage. They also did a good job of explaining how people buy phones—upfront from the manufacturer (Apple, Galaxy, etc) or under a plan from whoever you’re getting your services through. My guess is that your “free” phone fell under that latter process.

      Hubby and I both moved from different major carriers ( him ATT me Verizon) to T-Mobile. They have a set of great plans for folks 55 and up at 55 a month—including taxes and fees. We tested out the service coverage, both in nyc and upstate in the finger lakes and the coverage is great.

      One other thing—like you hubby went from flip to smart phone (under great protest as T-Mobile had only huge heavily armored flips). Six mos after he switched, T-Mobile started carrying more streamlined lightweight flip phones. Just saying that if he had seen those options when he switched, he might not have made the move to a smart phone.

    8. Sloanicota*

      To get the photos off your old phone, since it’s still working: depending on the age of the phone you may be able to use a charging cord if one side ends in a usb (some have the usb that connect into the wall outlet). If not, ask around, as many people probably have the kind you need for an older phone if its a microusb charger (I have them for my kindle, for example – does the port in your phone look the same as a kindle or any other device?) or you can usually buy them quite cheaply – if you do, make sure it says a data cord. Connect it to a computer, and the phone essentially becomes like a USB drive that you can transfer files on and off. You may need to press some sort of “accept” button on the phone. Usually photos are in a folder called DCIM. I don’t know why they aren’t called “photos” but they usually are not.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        You can also text someone a picture and have them e-mail it back to you in a pinch!

    9. Vanessa*

      Admittedly I’m not great at tech, but my husband has us signed up for ting and it’s pretty decent. Pay for what you use. We try to use WiFi over data. We bought used iPhones. You can use android if you prefer.

    10. RagingADHD*

      Do you have cable TV or internet at home?

      We have a cellphone package through our internet provider for $15 a month that includes 1 gig of cell data. You don’t need cell data when you’re on wifi, so we have a wifi router at home, and most workplaces, stores, schools, airports, etc, have it too.

      Cellular calling and SMS doesn’t require data either. So we only need mobile data for GPS directions and emails while away from home. One gig per month is plenty.

    11. just another queer reader*

      I would recommend buying an unlocked android phone. A Google Pixel ($300) has a very good camera, but there are cheaper options that would also work just fine. Then, sign up for one of the cheap phone plans. Mint Mobile is $20/month and usually works ok.

      The other option is to do a prepaid phone, which you could get at Target or Walmart.

    12. Donkey Hotey*

      First, yes there should be a way to “rip” your photos to a computer (what I do) or to another phone (what other, more app-friendly people do).

      Speaking for the rest, I ‘have’ unlimited data plan even though I don’t use that much data. (Data refers to stuff you access with your phone that a) isn’t a phone call or a text message and b) is done without a wifi connection. Apps pull data from the cloud. Heck, accessing this page with your phone would likely be data.) My plan is $55/month in a Large Coastal City and also because I set up an automatic payment with my provider. (They took $10/month off because of that.)

    13. Anonymous 75*

      If it’s just you look at Visible. It’s a Verizon based company designed for single plan users. My unlimited data and texts runs me $40/mth (maybe $35, I think they just lowered it). You can get a phone from them and just add the payment to your monthly bill. Caveat: they do not have actual stores or a phone based customer service, everything is online but they’re super responsive. I recently had an issue and I just tweeted them and they responded back in a couple of minutes. we communicated via dm’s but that was more my preference as they could do text or emails of I preferred.

      1. call me maybe*

        I have used the prepaid plans with t-mobile, Verizon and AT&T. No contract is a huge deal for me. Inexpensive phones can be purchased at big box stores or carrier stores. AT&T and tmobile allow you to bring your own device if it’s compatible. Verizon probably does but I was using a carrier phone at the time. T mobile has a $10 a month plan if you use very little data. All the carriers are evil at this point, so I’d ask around to see which one works best. For example, when I had Verizon, it was the best carrier for the place we don’t talk about because we were in an old building with thick walls which got no signal.

        If you travel within the US, check the coverage maps to make sure there is coverage everywhere you want to go. I’ve avoided the smaller carriers like Boost and Cricket because they weren’t available where my out of state family lives. Good luck!

        1. call me maybe*

          P.S. You could try a prepay plan and then see how much data you use in the first month and then upgrade to another plan if you run out. Some carriers will let you buy a monthly data pass if there are certain months you need more data for, like when travelling.

          I used to do this but now the data that comes with my plan is plenty. I’m in wigi at home, so don’t use a ton except when I’m out of the house.

        2. Anonymous 75*

          It’s not a contract nor is it prepaid. and the service is good and pretty broad, probably because it runs off the Verizon network. When I was in Mexico it still worked with no roaming fees.

      2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I actually just switched to Visible last week. I did their free trial and tested the data quality by turning off my wifi and calling into video conferences from Disneyworld on spring break (which is usually a recipe for hurt no matter what your network) about a dozen times over the week and had no hiccups at all, so I switched when I got home. The process was completely painless and porting my number over took less than 24 hours.

    14. jasmine tea*

      I have a grandfathered pay-as-you-go plan that I top up when needed, so I can’t help you on the plan aspect because mine is no longer available. But when my dumbphone finally stopped accepting connection in 2020, I went to Best Buy and bought an unlocked phone outright. It’s a basic Android, cost about $225 at the time. I took it and my old phone to my plan brand’s store, and they set me up (which took a bit of doing, because my dumbphone was too old to have the swappable SIM card, so the tech was a bit lost at first). It was a bit of a pain, but not too terrible.

    15. Cell phones*

      Check out Cricket Wireless or Redpocket. Cricket right now has a deal where you can get an iPhone 11 for $50 if you signup for their $60/month plan for 3 months. After 3 months you can move to a much cheaper plan with less data. My understanding is the phone is unlocked after the 3 months (but you should check to make sure that is correct). I use Red Pocket which has very cheap plans, and I have been very satisfied with the service. I think I pay about $20/ month for 3GB. They have phones you can buy from them on sale or you can bring your own phone. Definitely don’t pay $75-80 a month!

    16. Clisby*

      I have an LG smart phone I bought from Tracfone for about $70. With Tracfone, you can buy monthly plans or you can just pay as you go (that’s what I do – about $200/year). I don’t think any of their plans involve contracts.

      Now, I mainly use my phone for talking, texting, and taking the occasional photo. Every once in a while, if I have time to kill, I might scroll through AAM or Facebook; I never watch videos or listen to music on it. So depending on what you want to use the phone for, this might suit you.

    17. RG*

      If you do find an unlocked smartphone model you like, T-Mobile offers a decent prepaid plan for $15/month plus taxes – they rolled it out during the pandemic and then kept it.

  27. sewsandreads*

    Crafting/making thread! What have you all been making?

    In the spirit of “buying fabric and using fabric are two different hobbies,” I’m visiting my aunt and hit up a fabric shop in her neck of the woods. I’m excited to use it, but not sure how yet!

    2. Dark Macadamia*

      I have SO much fabric from my fabric-buying hobby, lol.

      I have a bunch of embroidery ideas on deck (including 2 started and 4 others I’ve bought supplies for) but haven’t done any of them from a combination of busy and lazy. I’ve mostly been working on house stuff (we moved months ago, I still have a huge to-do list) but hope to be fully settled in by summer so I can do more leisurely projects.

    3. Yet Another Unemployed Librarian*

      I’m going to finish my crochet cowl tonight, I think! I have so many crochet ambitions and not enough time to make them happen. But next up is learning how to do granny squares so I can do a blanket.

      1. Yet Another Unemployed Librarian*

        I fell asleep instead of finishing it, lol. Hopefully tonight!

    4. Not Australian*

      Patchwork and quilting, as usual – although I’ve actually been collecting fabric to make a patchwork circle skirt, which is moving up my priority list. I usually hand-sew, but this will need the sewing machine … and that’s something that needs a bit of advance planning, in this household. There should be plenty of fabric left over for a Dresden Plate quilt, too, which should be fun to do.

      1. sewsandreads*

        I’ve always wanted to try a Dresden plate quilt! Are they difficult? They’re something I’ve admired from afar with no real research into how I go about it!

        1. Madame Arcati*

          They aren’t very difficult – basically you need a good template for the blade shape and be sure to know how many of those blades make up your circle. You appliqué the plates onto your quilt or whatever and appliqué a circle over the hole in the middle – dozens of methods of doing this!
          I bet there are plenty of patient friendly people just waiting on YouTube to show you each step.
          There are some lovely variations too – I like one where you make the blades varying heights and add roofs/windows so they look like stylised houses in a little circular village!

    5. Madame Arcati*

      I’m big-stitch hand quilting a medallion quilt in Liberty fabrics. It is for me I am keeping it myself!
      I’ve also started (by machine) the blocks for a gift quilt for a friend. Missouri Star’sSpring Twist tutorial, for those that know the YouTube channel.
      I want to start my next dressmaking project too. I must look in the chest of drawers where planned projects live!

    6. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      My new tunisian crochet hook and cable just arrived so I will be starting this blanket pattern I ordered on Etsy. I dont like using the acrylic yarn, but the quantities required would make all wool stupidly expensive. Then after this I have this indian jeweled squares blanket i want to try, which is a version of granny squares.

      Recently went to a big crafts festival and did a workshop making a rope bowl (fun! but frustrating using fancy electronic sewing machine) and peg loom weaving (fun! but I need to limit craft tools for a bit while I catch up on stuff).

      I also have a sewing machine restoration project on the go, and a pair of pajama pants that need sewing up.

    7. Claritza*

      Novice knitter here. I’ve been making “knit a bunny from a square” bunnies from the Studio Knit video. A small holiday proect that’s a good way to practice!

    8. HannahS*

      Going to try to finish a blouse in Nani Iro flannel that I started ages ago. It’s a soft mushroom-y grey brown with little flowers on it in muted greens and purples and reds and gold and I LOVE the fabric; the pieces are cut out and I used every shred.

      Maybe a pleated wool skirt for Passover–thinking to just take the yoke from another skirt pattern and pleat the full length of fabric I have to it. I don’t have much use for half a meter of purple wool crepe.

    9. RagingADHD*

      Our local Jane Austen society is holding a Regency Ball tonight. We only found out a couple of weeks ago, so no time to make a full kit. But I’m going to cut up a thriftstore jacket today to make a spencer that should help my maxi sundress pass well enough.

      Daughter who loves historical dress hates Regency, so she’s been making a Bertha bodice to turn her Victorian day dress into evening wear.

      Other daughter is just wearing a nice contemporary dress with puffed sleeves, and has been focusing her making energy on the Sci Fi convention at the end of the month. She’s making an Original Series uniform dress (but a skosh longer).

        1. RagingADHD*

          It was so. much. fun.

          I didn’t even know we had a chapter in town. They have a book club, apparently.

          I’m not an Austen superfan really, but I am very excited about the opportunity to meet some new people.

    10. fposte*

      A friend and I went to a “make a terrarium” class hosted by a local florist who’s just branched out (ha) into a plant shop. It was just lovely; they included the basic makings, which had a lot of cool stuff, and you could buy extra if you wanted (but I don’t think anybody did because the offerings were so good). This was their first full house for a class, and it was a great blend of young and old, couples and families. And now I have a moody jungle scene with dinosaurs, so I’m very pleased.

    11. Donkey Hotey*

      Desperately trying to finish a wedding cross stitch for my cousin-in-law. Their one-year anniversary is tomorrow, so I know it will be later than “acceptable.” But then again, it’s a big heart with “May you annoy each other for the rest of your lives” in the middle, so “acceptable” is a little debatable in the first place.

    12. Phlox*

      I just started a 1.5″ blocks tetris pattern Tamarack jacket with stash fabric. Quite excited for the colors. I’m a little worried that the blocks are smaller than I want visually bc I’m going for somewhat abstract in the Tetris pattern and the corner matching is going to be fiddly! But repetitive, deliberate and fiddly is totally my schtick (I’m a quilter for a reason!) so it should be a fun time – it’s the first big project for me in my new studio. Next up: finishing the cut list of 1,090 blocks!

  28. Agender In Space*

    Does anyone know any places for prescription discounts? With the adderrall shortage I may have to pay out of pocket to avoid that, but vyvance is like $400…

    1. Agender In Space*

      My doc is willing to perscribe either and prefers vyvance, but I can’t afford $400 out of pocket.

    3. Double A*

      A pharmacy might be able to give you some tips on this. Our in-network pharmacies are far away and I needed a medication ASAP so I got it filled elsewhere. Then they told me it would be $300. I balked, they found a coupon, it was like $30. So it could be worth just asking at your pharmacy.

      1. Agender In Space*

        I’ll give them a call! Thanks. I’m not sure because there’s such a shortage that it’s an option but I’ll try anyway

    4. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      There is a Takeda (pharma company) patient assistance program called Help at Hand that offers free medications if you qualify. Link on their website.

    5. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Try the manufacturer too – a lot of them offer discount programs through their websites.

    6. Sunflower*

      Check out Mark Cuban Cost Plus. My script was only $5 (without insurance) on there and my local pharmacies wanted to charge me $35 with insurance.

    7. VermilionOwl*

      You can get a copay card at the manufacturer’s website (vyvanse.com), but for a cash paying patient it will only reduce the cost by $60. You could give your insurance company a call and see if there’s any way that your doctor could submit a prior authorization for vyvanse due to the shortage. The insurance company may or may not allow that

    8. Hello Sweetie*

      ADHD meds are particularly challenging when it comes to discount programs, IMO. Part of that has to to with how absolutely obnoxious the rules are for filling those meds to begin with and how impossible it really is for patients to be able to get good information about where their meds are available/in stock. Vyvanse is just that expensive because there’s no generic (which also I think seems to mean it’s less affected by shortages because it’s less affordable because our healthcare system in the US is stupid).

      After going through multiple dosages of concerta, we moved my kid to Vyvanse through some discussion with our neuropsych. We have an HDHP and haven’t hit the deductible, so yup, $360 a month for Vyvanse with our insurance. The manufacturer discount card takes it down $60 to $300.

      (Covering the family on my insurance with the tiered copays that would make Vyvanse only $90 would cost us $1100/mo just in premiums, so I know I come out ahead but still every time we fill it the poor pharmacy tech turns pale and says “you’re aware of the cost?”)

      We had good luck with different dosages of Concerta (generic) being available at different pharmacies, but it just didn’t quite hit the mark for my kid. Kiddo does, however, generally not take ADHD meds on the weekends. I figure it’s his body, and he knows when he feels like he can manage and when he needs help (he’s in high school). That means that the Vyvanse stretches further – though we have had very serious talks about being sure to not be rationing medication if he actually needs it.

      The American healthcare system is so incredibly stupid. I feel for you. FWIW the patent on Vyvanse expires later this year so generics should pop up.

      1. A Nonny Mouse*

        I hope the Vyvanse generic is actively and a good deal cheaper than the name brand.

        I recently went through this rigamarole with one of my meds that went generic this year–but that my new insurance won’t cover. Out of pocket cost for the generic was between $1000-1600. Name brand was $3000.

        Thankfully, my pharmacist found me a 30 day supply on GoodRX for 45$…which is do-able but not sustainable. (We won’t talk about my new insurance and my gripes with it or this’ll be a much longer comment.)

        I’m so very over the US Health Insurance and Health Care system. -_-

        Best of luck you the posters though.

  29. Ginger Cat Lady*

    Went to dinner tonight, and the people in the booth opposite us left without paying their check. When the server realized it, she dropped to her knees and starting crying saying “I just cannot get a break, can I?” Other servers picked her up and took her somewhere more private. We didn’t see her again.
    People can be so awful.
    Be kind to your server. And don’t go out if you can’t pay.

    1. PollyQ*

      I very much doubt it was an issue of not being able to pay. Just criminals being criminal.

      The real villain here may be the restaurant. There’s no reason why the server should be out any more than the amount of the tip. It’s flat-out wrong, and in some places illegal, for the restaurant to charge the server for the entire amount of the check, but many of them do it anyway.

      1. Rosie Posie*

        I agree. I cannot remotely understand why servers were on the hook for entire tabs that weren’t paid. Maybe cards should be put down at the beginning of the meal, similar to starting a tab at a bar. Anecdotally, I one time walked out on a bill by complete accident. I was with my then-bf and we’d had a bit to drink and just thought we’d paid when we had not. Fortunately, we went back to the same restaurant a week later. The server was upset and called us out (understandably). We were mortified and handed out cash to reimburse her and hugely tipped her. I think, more likely, this was simple, intentional dine-and-dash. But a card down upfront would help a lot, I think.

      2. Sloanicota*

        I so agree. If a restaurant has a policy that the poor overworked server has to cover the cost of a meal from their paycheck, the servers should have the cards run in advance. Honestly I would have considered paying the other tab myself (which I realize does nothing to stop the dine-and-dashers) rather than make someone working below minimum wage pay it. And I would want to call out the manager and owners too.

      3. mreasy*

        It is also not legal as unless the server is being paid a LOT, it will bring their pay below minimum wage. But it’s insanely common in the restaurant industry, along with scads of other practices affecting both FOH and BOH workers.

    3. Vanessa*

      Former waitstaff here, this is awful on so many levels. So many of the people I worked with were working two jobs (many in education) to support their kids.
      I will also jump on the bandwagon of shaming the restaurant. I worked in an upscale local restaurant group in medium sized midwestern city. On of the policies (the manager accidentally let it slip) was that the tip accounting (a portion to bartenders, a portion to runners etc) included covering the credit card surcharge from the tips. To be clear- all of the credit card surcharge. For the entire bill. Was recouped from tips.

      1. Missb*

        Wow. That’s just awful!!!

        We try to pay cash but don’t always carry it. It’s another reminder to both overtip and pay cash when I can.

        1. jasmine tea*

          For another perspective: as a server I hated cash tips, because two of the restaurants I worked had bussers who would steal them. I could not figure out why I was getting stiffed so often, until the penny finally dropped.

          1. PhyllisB*

            That’s why we always hand our server the tip personally. I realize they may have to share with others, but at least they HAVE it to share and don’t get ripped off. Also one of the reasons we pay in cash.

    4. RagingADHD*

      I understand how you feel, but surely you aren’t under the impression that people who dine and dash (or even pay the bill but stiff the server) have any interest in being kind?

  30. Veronica Mars*

    Food question: are there any foods you used to dislike that you now enjoy? Or are there foods you used to like and now don’t like or foods you’ve just always hated no matter how many times you’ve tried to like them?

    I have something for both: didn’t used to like cilantro (it wasn’t that it tasted like soap, just didn’t like it) and also thought cumin could be way too overpowering. I started cooking from a blog that used a lot of both and now I’m a fan and will sometimes add more of either cilantro or cumin to a recipe.

    As for a food I’ve never liked: mushrooms. I want to like them! I like earthy things! But it’s a textural issue that I just can’t seem to get over.

    1. Gyne*

      Beets! I used to think they tasted like dirt and were disgusting. Now I think they taste like dirt and are delicious.

      I remember hating brussels sprouts as a child and now love, love, love them. Although i think that is more in the prep.

      1. Jessica*

        I also hated these as a child and I’ve read somewhere that it’s not just us; that farmers are growing different variants, or something like that, so the Brussels sprouts you can buy today are actually not the same as the ones you thought were revolting decades ago.

      2. UKDancer*

        Sprouts are delicious when prepared well and horrible when prepared badly.

        I don’t like beetroot (although I make an exception for borscht now I’ve had it in Ukraine). Never did and still don’t.

        I also don’t like aubergine, olives (eating the fruits, I’m fine with olive oil), and avocado. Never have and still don’t. I can’t do butter beans or kidney beans because that’s a texture thing for me.

        I used to hate coleslaw because we suffered it at school and it was awful. I discovered that was mainly the one they served at school and other forms of coleslaw as an adult are fine.

        1. KatEnigma*

          It also depends on the sprout. Some are bitter and some are not, and you don’t know which you’ve gotten until you eat them. LOL

          Home grown are almost never bitter, though.

    2. Filosofickle*

      As an adult I now like mayo, cabbage, and Brussels sprouts, which I did not growing up. I never learned to like bell peppers (taste), winter squash (texture), offal (texture/funk) or cilantro (taste).

    3. Not Australian*

      Oh heck yes – and I think it was largely because when I had them as a child they were really badly prepared: trying them again as an adult I have come to appreciate them more. Mainly eggs, green veg and lamb – the latter really surprised me, and I don’t have it often but have now got to the point where I can eat and enjoy it occasionally. I’ll even eat lettuce, sometimes – although I don’t see the point, lol! The one thing I still absolutely won’t touch in any shape or form is offal…

    4. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I used to love eggs as a kid and now trying to eat them just makes me gag :(

    5. Bazzalikeschasingbirds*

      I want to like mushrooms as well, would be a good way to pad out stews and use less meat, but the texture, just no.

    6. Madame Arcati*

      As a child I never liked carrots (cooked that is; raw was fine). I thought my palate changed as I grew older, but then I had some chantenay carrots, you know the little stubby ones, and they had that very particular taste I disliked as a child. Still not sure if I have changed or carrots have!

    7. Angstrom*

      Olives. First exposure was the watery canned black ones. Never saw the attraction. Much later I was introduced to good Kalmatas and that was a whole different story…..

      1. Pippa K*

        Same here. Had to eat (good) black olives once because a friend’s mother had put them up and it would have been impolite to refuse, and it was a revelation. Still won’t touch the tinned ones though!

    8. ecnaseener*

      My dad’s a very picky eater, so I grew up never eating things like garlic or onions. Took a while as an adult to acquire those tastes, but now I love them (although I still don’t cook with red onions because the smell of them cooking actually hurts my throat, but I use green onions a lot)

      And in high school I didn’t like the taste of coffee, but I was often exhausted enough to choke down the cafeteria’s awful cheap coffee. After enough of that, I tried decent-quality coffee again and liked it!

      Like you, the thing I will never ever like is mushrooms. The texture is so so so bad.

      1. Clisby*

        My father was not at all a picky eater – he introduced his enthusiastic tribe of 6 kids to spinach and raw oysters at an early age. (Probably helped that my mother wouldn’t eat either, so we were all rebels together.)

        However … even though he loved pickled cucumbers, he despised fresh cucumbers, so we never had them at home. I remember when I and my younger sister were maybe 7 and 6, we were playing at the house of the little girl across the road, and her mother gave each of a fresh cucumber out of the garden, and handed us a salt shaker to share. It was delightful! My parents still never served raw cucumbers, but I’d eat them away from home any time I got the chance.

    9. Falling Diphthong*

      Now like: Eggs. A texture thing. Now I enjoy them as an easy protein option.

      Never like: Rare meat. A texture thing–I just find it really offputting. Give me brisket over a rare steak any day.

    10. mreasy*

      I was a super picky kid who barely liked any vegetable or green thing! Now I like almost all vegetables and can tolerate even the few I dislike.

    11. GoryDetails*

      There aren’t many foods that I seriously dislike, and even among those I can usually manage to eat them (or at least eat around them) if I have to. For some reason, pearl onions are among that number: I love all other types of alliums, but something about the small-round-relatively-tasteless pearls just… puts me off.

      Also not keen on raisins baked into breads or cookies, or folded into salads, or basically any way other than eaten out of hand. That applies to regular purple-grape raisins and to sultanas, but oddly enough, I’ve found that I really like “craisins” – dried cranberries – as additions to salads or chutneys. (Still don’t want them baked into things, though.)

      Acquired tastes: bell peppers! As a kid I could barely tolerate them when chopped very small and simmered into unrecognizability in spaghetti sauce, and wouldn’t touch the big raw chunks in salads. But when I first started doing my own gardening as an adult, I dabbled in the yellow and orange sweet peppers, and adored them – and from there gradually became fond of all bell-pepper flavors, raw or cooked.

    12. allathian*

      I was never a particularly picky eater, but I didn’t like sprouts as a kid, either. I learned to like them in my teens, though.

      I can’t think of any food that I loved as a kid but no longer want to eat…

      I can’t stand lutefisk, the smell makes me gag. It’s a traditional Christmas dish here, but my family never had it because none of us like it. My MIL has it once a year, but I don’t accept that invitation, so my husband and son go on their own. My son doesn’t eat it, but he doesn’t eat fish in any form except fish fingers. I also don’t like celery in any form, and cilantro tastes like soap to me.

      Mushrooms are fine, they’ve been a part of my diet since I was a kid. We went mushroom picking with my parents, and I learned the most common edible varieties and the poisonous ones, too. My husband made a great pasta ai funghi porcini when we found one of those mushrooms growing in a disused, wooded lot just behind our house. Municipal land, so finders keepers for us.

    13. KatEnigma*

      Well, I thought I didn’t like salmon or anything other than dark meat on a turkey, or pork loin.

      Turns out what I don’t like is overcooked salmon and turkey and pork loin. My mother was visiting me once and had a melt down when I calculated the time for a pork roast at 20 min/lb (yes, I use a meat thermometer. That calculation just gives me general planning times.) She got out my grandmother’s 1950’s era cookbook to “prove me wrong.” I brought up the USDA website on my phone… My mother is generally a good cook, and she’d never cook red meat past medium rare, but seems to think white meat and fish has to be cooked to death. It took me cooking for myself from recipes/guidance on the internet in the modern day to figure this out.

    14. Excuse Me, Is This Username Taken?*

      I thought I didn’t like rice, it turns out my mom just didn’t know how to prepare it well. I’ve never liked peas. If they’re hidden in something like shepherd’s pie, then no big deal, but on their own, no matter the preparation, I just cannot do it.

      1. GoryDetails*

        Re peas: that reminds me that, growing up, I loved the way my mother prepared peas – she’d take canned peas (which are already cooked by the canning process) and would make a white sauce for them. I liked that quite a lot, and found that fresh-frozen peas were not the same thing at all, and I did not care for them. And then I began gardening (there is a theme there – lots of edibles became more interesting to me when I could grow them myself!) and discovered the delirious joys of eating fresh sugar-snap peas straight from the vine.

        I still don’t care for frozen peas, and despite my fond childhood memories of the creamed-pea recipe I don’t make that myself. But I like to grow peas and then graze on them as I wander through the garden.

        1. KatEnigma*

          I was almost the opposite. When I was little, my parents always had canned peas. I can remember being in tears as my mother counted out the 9 peas I had to eat. They are mushy yuckiness. Then they got a little more money and started to buy frozen, and all that went away.

    15. Alex*

      I used to HATE parmesan cheese. But now I like it.

      I’m with you on the mushrooms–they just are so…fungusy. Blech! Never liked them.

      And weirdly, I used to like chocolate and now I don’t. I know, right? WTF?

    16. Clisby*

      I have always hated grits and oatmeal. I hated them when I was a child; I still hate them; I refuse to eat either one. I don’t know that it rises to the level of hate, but I have always disliked maple flavor. (Actually, I don’t think I tasted anything maple-flavored until I was 9 or 10 and had maple syrup on pancakes at a friend’s house. I was polite and ate them, but ew.) I don’t like maple syrup, maple candy, maple-anything in ice cream, maple glazes on meat – just no.

      I can’t think of anything I used to dislike but now like (or vice-versa) – I’ve never been a picky eater.

    17. HBJ*

      A lot of things! Salsa, onions and avocados are three I can think of off the top of my head.

    18. Missb*

      Brussels sprouts.

      Used to hate them. Gave dh a bad time when he bought an entire stalk of them from a farmer.

      Now I love them so much that I’m trying to grow them, and I think Dh is about sick of them.

    19. Donkey Hotey*

      Right there with you on the mushrooms. For me, I discovered it was definitely a textural thing. There used to be a really great meat substitute called Quorn that used mycoprotein and it was delicious. But a slimy mushroom in sauce or whatever? Heck no.

      As to the something I didn’t eat but now do: Tofu. Mrs. Hotey prepares it in a way that reduces that slime factor that I’d experienced previously.

    20. Aphrodite*

      Oh yes, but not in any particular order:

      Cake. I have never liked cake regardless whether it is a $500 one or a cheap grocery store bakery one. Don’t like the cake itself and I despise frosting. Naturally cupcakes and even brownies are out as well.

      Oatmeal. I am not going to say what it looks like to me but it does and always has, and it’s making me nauseous even to type this out.

      Cooked whole or chopped tomatoes. Now I adore fresh tomatoes beyond reason. Raw, sliced, chopped, diced. I also love tomato paste and to a slightly lesser extent tomato sauce (if the latter is not pasta sauce as I do not care for tomato-based pasta or pizza sauces). But saute it, serve it whole or chopped and it’s a definite no-go for me. Gazpacho is a huge, huge YES for me, though.

      Sauteed or boiled greens/leaves. When I was a child, Mom used to boil spinach to death. (Actually, all vegetables as recipes of the 30s-50s called for.) Those leaves were completely limp and the attached stems, equally limp, were the kiss of death to my stomach. Whenever she served it I refused to eat it and I had to sit at the table until it was time for bed. (As if cold boiled spinach would be any more appetizing than warm.) It would end up in the refrigerator for a couple of days, then disappear. To this day, I cannot look at cooked spinach without getting ill; both the scent and sight of it makes me run for the bathroom. Guaranteed. I can, however, eat it raw as salad if the stems are removed. But I once tried making a spinach soup to see if I could handle that. It was a lovely green and very smooth. It didn’t work; I had to toss it. I didn’t run to the bathroom then but I came very close. A few years ago a good friend wanted to see if I was willing to try a fancy sauteed collards dish. Nope. Same issue.

      1. Clisby*

        I don’t mind cooked tomato sauce, but I (and my family) do not like what one niece called “tomato corpses” floating around in food.

    21. California Dreamin’*

      Oh my gosh yes. One I Acquired is mushrooms for me. Wouldn’t touch them as a kid but now love love love them deeply sautéed until mahogany (still wouldn’t want them raw in a salad, though.).
      Tastes I wish I could acquire: Fish. I’ve tried and tried. I like shrimp, lobster, crab, and scallops, but no “swimming” fish. I wish I liked it and would love to have it in my diet. I’ve had people tell me which ones “aren’t fishy.” Has not worked. And embarrassingly for a native Californian, avocado. People eat it here All The Time. In guacamole, on burgers, in salads. It’s a nope for me in all forms, though again I would love to love it.

    22. carcinization*

      I’m with other folks on this one I guess, in terms of foods I didn’t eat when I was younger but eat now. So cooked onions and bell pepper (I still don’t eat either one raw), tomatoes, salsa, and avocado. Once I started eating all of these things I started tolerating eggplant less, but I can still eat it in some applications. There aren’t really foods I used to eat but don’t, just things I don’t enjoy as much as I did when my palate was different (circus animal cookies, cheetos, etc.).

    23. Emotional support capybara (he/him)*

      I didn’t like mushrooms until I tried nice crunchy fried ones dipped in Ranch dressing. That was a stepping stone to sauteed shrooms, grilled shrooms, stuffed shrooms, and shrooms on pizza. Raw shrooms are still No, though.

    24. Jay (no, the other one)*

      Mushrooms. My mother only cooked with canned mushrooms. The first time I had fresh mushrooms it was a revelation. They weren’t slimy!

      My husband has had a brussels sprouts conversion and now loves them. I still can’t stand them.

    25. Chauncy Gardener*

      I didn’t used to like olives, tomatoes and cilantro. Love them all now. Still hate mayo and sour cream though.

    26. Damn it, Hardison!*

      Asparagus and cauliflower. Hated both until I was in my 30s. Now I love them.

    27. Cruciatus*

      I was never really a picky eater, but I had a few things I couldn’t do: I never liked green beans…until I had fresh green beans. For whatever reason my mom always used canned green beans when I was a kid but later on my parents started growing their own and, on my god, so good! So no more canned, but frozen comes close enough in a pinch.

      I hated tomatoes. Wouldn’t eat spaghetti sauce. None of it. In my late teens at a boyfriend’s house his mom served tomato salad and I ate some to be polite (I COULD eat it, just didn’t like it). And when I went back for seconds I realized I liked it. Now it’s tomatoes all the time. I probably have some form of tomato daily (usually some grape tomatoes).

      I have never come around on cottage cheese, and I love almost all cheese.

      I don’t like cumin up close, but there’s a soup recipe that calls for it (Budget Byte’s Chunky Vegetable Lentil Soup) and one day I left the cumin out and it wasn’t as good! So I realized it’s a time and place type of spice for me. I also don’t care much for cilantro but there is one local Mexican restaurant that uses it in their salsa and for whatever reason I like their salsa, but not other restaurants’ salsas with cilantro. Can’t explain it.

    28. AGD*

      I didn’t like spicy things even a little bit when I was a kid. Now I do!

      Never went out of my way to eat lemon anything, but now I often enjoy it. I’ve even started buying lemonade regularly, which astounds me.

      I have lost my taste for eggs, baked beans, and asparagus. There are also a few sweet things (especially honey) that I can’t tolerate well anymore.

      1. AGD*

        I was a kid who found onions disgusting, and now I’m an adult who finds onions disgusting.

    29. CanadaGoose*

      As a kid, I disliked spinach pie, and also olives. I kept getting exposed to both every few years or more, though, and now I love them both. In fact, I had a version of both today.

      I still don’t like cilantro!

    30. PseudoMona*

      I now like cauliflower, beets, asparagus, and Brussel sprouts after learning how to properly prepare them (roast them!).

      I have loathed cantaloupe for 40+ years and plan to continue loathing it for the next 40+ years.

    31. But Not the Hippopotamus*

      For years I could not eat sweet potatoes. I think the color set off the primordial”must be poison” part of my brain. Love them now.

      I’m with you on mushrooms. Also, Lima beans.

  31. pb*

    Does anyone have any tips on dating as a very introverted/socially anxious person? I would really like a relationship but I take so long to feel comfortable around a person that I find the process of going on dates just really taxing. It’s sort of impossible for me to tell if I like someone or have chemistry with them in a reasonable timeframe, let alone be relaxed enough to be intimate in any way. And the little rejections add up so that I just start to dread dates which isn’t a great attitude to bring into things! I’m trying to work on the anxiety separately but lifelong habits take time to change. Also I’m gay so it isn’t likely that something will develop out of a platonic context – I have to intentionally date if I want anything to happen.

    1. Pop*

      I actually think the “developing out of platonic friendship” is much more likely in the queer community! There are queer hobby groups for all sorts of things: kickball, choirs, hiking meetups…I know that you mentioned you are introverted and socially anxious, so these ideas might sound terrible. But they’d be low-commitment ways of getting to know many people at once.

    2. Sloanicota*

      Wow did I write this in my sleep. I am SUCH a bad fit for today’s app-based form of dating for all the reasons you list. I end up actively resenting the people if I’m not careful, which is clearly not going to lead to positive romance vibes! I can only tell you what I do, which is try to engage in low-pressure ways of meeting people in your wider social circle so you can get to know someone “in their natural habitat” – ask your friends help you put together some easy hang happy hours or a brewery trip or something. I always assume having even one friend in common already is a great sign of compatibility. Also I’m sure others will suggest joining activities – my issue is that the things I enjoy don’t tend to attract single men, so I need to very consciously try to identify groups and clubs that are likely to appeal to them too. Someone did tell me once that the best place to meet men was at a suburban Lowes or Home Depot on a Saturday morning. Make of that what you will.

      1. Sloanicota*

        Oh, I’m sorry, I misread your last line as “I’m NOT queer” because I do think queer people tend to hang out and date more organically/platonically, as pop said above – okay my suggestions are now pretty off for you, I apologize. To date queer you will want to find queer affinity groups and clusters of friends, so it’s more a “find your people” generally thing here, I think. Others will no doubt have better suggestions for where exactly to find them.

    3. just another queer reader*

      I realize this is the most lesbian thing ever, but I’ve personally had a ton of crossover between friends and dates, in both directions. Agreed with Pop, you are in a great position to find some queer friends and see where things go!

      The shortcut to making new friends is via friends-of-friends, but if that’s not an option, you can find queer social spaces.

      In my (large-ish) city there are a ton of queer or queer-adjacent social events happening: book clubs, churches, libraries, activism, sports leagues, biking, volunteering, board games, weird theater, the affinity group at work.

    4. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Demi-sexual here. Never managed to meet anyone I wound up with longterm via a date — like you, I generally take a while to warm up to folks. I’m agreeing with the other commentators that platonic context might be best to start getting to know people and whether you like them. Once you DO know that you like them romantically, it’s really hard, but you gotta be brave and tell them and see what happens. Knock wood, you’ve chosen a good person, so even if they don’t feel the same way, things will still be fine and friendly.

      1. matcha123*

        I am not gay, but I also think that knowing people through some non-pressure socialization (ie- school or work) is what works best for me AND I think it’s a more natural way of meeting someone.
        But since most people around me have paired off in college or soon after starting a new job out of college, that’s left me out of luck and mostly using apps for a bit.
        What is comfortable for me does not work for apps and men tend to think the “friendzone” is a place men are placed until we evaluate them to be good partners. Then they get mad when they think they’ve done everything right and I’m playing with them, when I am not and it is just annoying, so I’ve dropped out of apps and dating.

      2. allathian*

        Yeah, I’m cishet, and I don’t do casual dating. Never have. I don’t think I’m demisexual because I had casual FWB relationships when I was in college and in my late 20s/early 30s when I wasn’t in a relationship and until I met my husband.

        I can’t stand the idea of someone I’m interested in going on a date with someone else the next day. I don’t keep my options open, in that I’m willing to be exclusive from the first date onwards until one of us decides that it’s not working. All well and good, but because I expect the same thing from potential dating partners, it just doesn’t work on dating apps.

        Just as well that I’m out of the market, given that I’m happily married. Given that I’m in a happy committed relationship, I seriously doubt that I’d ever go back to FWBs, even if our marriage were to end at some point in the future.

        My best friend’s husband worked for the same employer as one of my husband’s good friends, and they introduced us. I liked the fact that we weren’t a part of the same friend circle, so there would’ve been no awkwardness if it hadn’t worked out.

    5. Unkempt Flatware*

      I’m introverted and socially anxious and I recommend texting and emailing w someone as long as possible before meeting. Make it so it feels like you’ve already met before you do.

  32. Please Remove Your Monkeys from My Circus*

    Etiquette question: I have two friends who each, once or twice a year, gift me a tshirt. It’s generally something I like and would wear, except: it’s several sizes too big, and I end up absolutely swimming in it. It’s also usually something they got on vacation or online, and therefore not easily exchangeable. I truly appreciate that they care enough to give me gifts—especially thoughtful gifts that I genuinely want and like. But the size think makes them essentially useless, which is disappointing and a waste of money. Any suggestions for how to (gently, politely) redirect them on sizes without sounding ungrateful—or presumptuous? (For reference, I generally wear XS or S, but they—who don’t know each other—both buy me L or XL for some reason.

    1. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      Just say something! “Sorry friend I wear a size small for future reference so this won’t fit me. Thanks for the thought. Do you want it make or do you want me to donate/regift it?”

    2. Madame Arcati*

      How are they at receiving hints? If I heard “oh the T-shirts you buy me are so great as nightshirts!” I’d pick up that they are big and if I wanted to see friend wearing them outdoors with jeans, I need to buy smaller…

    3. Sloanicota*

      Wow, I don’t think this would happen more than twice before I’d kindly say, “thanks so much for these t-shirts! I know sometimes they can shrink, but if you can get a small or a medium next time I could really wear them out and about, which I’d love to do!”

    4. Llellayena*

      How about a statement to each the next time they get you an oversized shirt of “Thanks! I almost have enough for a Tshirt quilt!” Gets the point across that you’re not wearing the shirts AND gives you something to do with the previous ones.

    5. RagingADHD*

      Do you sew or know someone who sews? It would be very easy to make these wearable.

      At the same time, it is not at all rude in the context of an ongoing pattern to say, “I love it, thank you! — but next time, could you get me a small? These are so huge I never wear them.”

      You could make it more visible by holding up the shirt to yourself.

  33. Little Joys?*

    No one has started a “Little Joys” thread yet. What was a little joy you experienced or observed this past week?

    Something of a meme that has probably been around forever I was, none the less, amused to come upon a picture of Morticia Addams (as played by Carolyn Jones) declaring, “Life is not all lovely thorns and singing vultures, you know.”

    1. WoodswomanWrites*

      I’m going on a backpacking trip soon after not doing so in almost 20 years. I started training with a weighted pack including some gradual uphill and downhill. My muscle soreness has faded and psyched that I’m in good enough shape to feel comfortable hiking at a good pace pace so I can keep up with the group.

    2. Madame Arcati*

      I’ve been really busy lately; with fun things as well as work don’t get me wrong, but with obligations and times to keep to every day for about a month. But this weekend I have no fixed plans at all, at least none that feel burdensome or tiring. It’s after 1100 here and I’m still in bed! When I’ve finished my coffee I shall go to the library, then later I’ll meet my OH in the pub and do the crossword then I’ll cook us dinner (lamb tagine). Tomorrow afternoon I will be driving a short distance to pick up bookcase I’ve secured from FB marketplace for six whole British pounds – it is the perfect size and shape. In the intervening periods I shall do some sewing. Bliss!

    3. Retail Not Retail*

      I spent my entire off day at the animal shelter on euthanasia networking day and we saved all but one animal on the list of 20, including this heartworm negative brindle-legged cutie.

      Also it was super warm so I got a lot of cute pictures of the pups with their tongues hanging out. Very undignified, just like them.

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        That is such wonderful and important work you are doing–thank you on behalf of the critters!

    4. Voluptuousfire*

      Got to see my absolute favorite musician play a gig for his solo album last night in Philly. He did his solo stuff and stuff from his former band and I was absolutely delighted at the gig. The music is home to me, so it was wonderful to see it live again, masked up and with earplugs. :)

    5. GoryDetails*

      I adored Carolyn Jones as Morticia! (Anjelica Huston’s version was great, but the original TV series is still my favorite.) I even dressed as her one Halloween, making a black dress so tight around the ankles I could barely hobble… Ah, that was a long time ago!

      Current little joy: my big ginger cat is on my lap, stretched out full length with his back feet tucked against my stomach and his head near my ankles. (Less joyful: my coffee cup is empty and I can’t get up because I’ve been catted. But I’ll take it – for a while!)

      Less-common joy: yesterday I did a little road trip from my southern New Hampshire home to Gloucester, Massachusetts. (My sister and brother-in-law’s novel Angel Falls was set there, and I wanted to leave a few copies at key locations – a seafood shack that inspired one of the settings, a couple of the harborside Little Free Libraries…) I love visiting the area anyway, and got some beautiful views of the harbor and the (now increasingly-built-up) coast to the north, and I wrapped up the expedition with a stop at the Ipswich Ale Brewery in Ipswich.

      1. call me maybe*

        I discovered that there was a Polish version of Grace Under Fire and now I’m watching it to practice my Polish comprehension.

      2. Caterpelius*

        A big joy is that the feral cat colony on our farm is scheduled for a whole colony trap neuter return in mid April. It’s such a process but I think it will actually happen. Amazingly a lovely rescue group donated the entire fee as there was no way we could afford to have 20ish cats all neutered at the same time. Now if people will stop dumping cats along the road here (almost always unneutered black or grey cats) we can finally have peace and no kittens! And the rats will remain discouraged and intimidated as well!

    6. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Found out mysterious unexpected $ in my bank acct. was surprise tax refund! Also found a street parking space at an off hour closer to where I live than usual — a miracle.

    7. sewsandreads*

      My little joy is happening as we speak! I’m currently the only one awake in the house, but the birds outside are having a very intense conversation and it sounds beautiful.

    8. carcinization*

      I’ve purchased everything I need for Easter baking and such so now I don’t have to worry about it during the rush of next week!

    9. germank106*

      Barely three months into retirment and I was bored out of my skull. I talked to some friends and one of them offered me a part time job. I can set my days/hours, it gets me out of the house and I make a bit of extra money to boot.

    10. GoryDetails*

      An unexpected one: I’m watching the annual airing of “The Ten Commandments”, and just as Moses is telling Pharaoh that hail will fall from a clear sky – a hailstorm struck! (Not from a clear sky, but still, it made me smile.)

    12. StellaBella*

      I like the idea of singing vultures!
      I have quite a few little joys this week including a tax refund, getting to purchase 3 new outfits which mix and match with existing pieces, getting to go to the sauna and hammam, playing with new cat toys with my cat, and having beers with a close friend. There were other things that made me happy at the place we don’t talk about on weekends but overall it was a good week.

  34. caffeine my beloved*

    For various reasons, I need to quit caffeine cold turkey. It sucks, but is honestly for the best.

    However, I also get bad withdrawal systems (aches and headache). Any tips on how to survive? While taking an aspirin helps, I don’t know if I want to do that for like over a week while my body acclimates.

    Would also appreciate any success stories. I’ve tried gradually going down, but always end up drinking way too much again.

    1. Lilo*

      FWIW I’ve dropped caffeine cold turkey and for me it’s usually just a day or two adjustment, not a week.

    2. Sloanicota*

      Hmm, if it was me I would figure out my alternate hot beverage (herbal tea?), make a huge pot of that, take a precautionary painkiller or two, and plan a busy day / weekend out of the house doing something you really enjoy, maybe even something like a camping trip so it won’t be as obvious.

    3. Falling Diphthong*

      From my spouse:
      • Ibuprofin and water for the withdrawal symptoms. Take the ibuprofin before, or at the first hint of, a headache.
      • Being physically busy helps to keep your attention off the withdrawal symptoms.
      • Tapering down over a few days is easier than cold turkey.
      • For tiredness, you can sometimes fool your body by having a mug of anything hot. It has all the cues that you’re supposed to start feeling more awake.

      1. Sloanicota*

        I respect OP’s statement that she needs to go cold turkey, but I will say I switched to half-caff (and I’m a heavy coffee drinker, about four cups over two hours every morning) and barely even noticed; I’ve stuck with that ever since, so it has made a meaningful difference to me. If I had to quit, even a few days walking down from half caff to full decaf (which I do think still has some caffeine) to finally tea would probably help me. As with smoking, it’s at least in part the ritual of making the hot pot, pouring the big mug, and sipping all morning that I care about.

        1. Sloanicota*

          I’d probably also get an electric kettle so I could make tea in a more similar ritual to the way I make coffee now. If there’s totally decaff coffee substitute that would be even better for me … I’d probably pour the grounds into one of my coffee tins and lean hard on denial haha.

    4. yellow tulips*

      I’ve gone cold turkey once, and 6 months ago I dropped to 1 cup of caffeine per day. Honestly, now, I don’t even need the caffeine every day. It was never a full week of withdrawal, 2 or 3 days was my experience. Plan good sleep hygiene – go to bed early, relax properly -no exciting movies or cliffhanger books before bed. Maybe try to get to bed an hour earlier. Like the other commenter said, plan a few busy days, or busy mornings with nap time built in.

    5. Not A Manager*

      I recommend lots of water (more than you think you need), Ibuprofen, mild exercise every day that gets your heart rate up at least a little bit, gentle stretching, and hot showers. Those symptoms sound tough!

    6. e*

      I’ve gone off caffeine several times by buying a bag of decaf and mixing it in with the full-caf at gradually increasing amounts. Just change the proportion a little each day and you won’t even notice.

    7. KatEnigma*

      Two weeks. It takes two weeks to get past the headaches. And I take ibuprofen because even a baby aspirin set my stomach on fire.

      1. Anono-me*

        This. I’ve quit caffeine several times and the only time time it didn’t absolutely vacuum the full two weeks was the time I was dealing with a major medical situation simultaneously and thus on some major pain medications. But once the two weeks were over it was pretty much done.

        I did find fizzie water and mint herbal tea were helpful.

        Good luck.

        1. KatEnigma*

          My FIL has a heavy Diet Dr Pepper habit and because of both blood pressure and serious dietary track issues, he has been under orders to stop drinking it. Multiple times. It’s always 2 weeks for him too, and then he always goes back to it after a couple months. I pointed out to him once that one would think that after having gotten past the worst of it so many times, knowing what it would be, he would stop going back to drinking it!

    8. Ally*

      I got really sad and it took me a day or two to realize it was probably the caffeine making me feel blue, and not life! I think just being aware you might feel a lil emotional could be helpful as a warning!

      1. KatEnigma*

        And fuzzy headed. I’ve also always felt fuzzy headed and had problems thinking. Similar to cutting out sugar.

    9. Nicki Name*

      Mr. Name, who accidentally quit cold turkey once, recommends lying down in the dark a lot the first couple days to help with the withdrawal symptoms, if you can.

    10. osmoglossom*

      The best thing that helped me deal with the withdrawal symptoms when I had to quit cold turkey was taking an adrenal support supplement. It helped so much — I didn’t have the horrible headaches and severe fatigue that usually accompanied my previous attempts at quitting caffeine — and I never had to take any kind of pain reliever. And as one of the other commenters said, drink a lot of water. A lot.

    11. Bethlam*

      Serious Mt. Dewaholic here, so lots of caffeine. I quit cold turkey Jan 1 because of the calories, not the caffeine. About a week of mild body and head aches. Agree with those recommending lots of water, exercise, and staying busy.. I also found fresh air helped so tried to get as much of my exercise outdoors as possible.

    12. anxiousGrad*

      This is somewhat tangential, but how much coffee do you need to drink on a weekly basis to end up with withdrawal symptoms? I’m more of a tea drinker but I’ve been dealing with really bad constipation lately and have considered switching to coffee for a bit to help. I don’t want to end up addicted to caffeine, though.

      1. InTheUK*

        caffeine content varies a lot, but black tea has roughly half of the caffeine of coffee, so depending on how much tea you drink… well it’s not that far off. I would suggest talking with a pharmacist about your issues, tons of other things to try for those problems.

        1. anxiousGrad*

          Trust me, I’m trying many things lol. I have hypothyroidism so I may need a medication adjustment, but I’m basically throwing every strategy I can think of at the problem until my next doctor’s appointment in a few weeks.

  35. The Prettiest Curse*

    After discovering on last weekend’s thread that there are many people who have never seen Hamilton in any format (including me – I always wanted to see it on stage but just didn’t want to go through the hassle of trying to get tickets), I was wondering which pop culture experiences people have just totally missed.

    I’ve never seen any of the Toy Story films (don’t have kids, so didn’t see them on the big screen, then kind of forgot), most superhero films (too many identical, boring immortal white guys, at least at the start of the current trend), Raging Bull (I feel bad about this one), I’ve only ever seen one film starring Jennifer Aniston (it was Office Space, which I liked – but otherwise she just doesn’t make films that I want to see) and I know a lot of Beatles and Rolling Stones songs, but I’ve never listened to any of their albums all the way through. I also find having too many choices overwhelming, so just gave up trying to keep up with TV shows during the era of Peak TV.

    And to my surprise, my sister had never seen any of the original Star Wars films till a few years ago – though I don’t know why I was surprised, since she’s not really into sci-fi. So, what are your pop culture misses?

    1. Madame Arcati*

      I haven’t got Netflix so I haven’t seen any of the films or tv series on there!

      1. Sloanicota*

        Yeah, I’m not doing streaming, so I haven’t seen almost any hot show in several years now. Too many to list! I really hope we fix this fractured marketplace, I don’t think the past year it’s been great for anyone – actors, showrunners, writers, or viewers. Presumably not even the bottom lines of the big companies like Netflix.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        The only episode I’ve seen of South Park is the one that popped up when I was looking up links describing Casa Bonita. Oddly, the episode’s depiction of Casa Bonita is dead on, with no need to exaggerate for comedic effect.

    3. UKDancer*

      Never seen “Godfather” and no great desire to. I read the book and it did nothing for me so I gave up on the film. Never seen “Les Mis” because it’s just such a depressing story although I like some of the music. I’ve also not seen Hamilton but that’s more because the tickets are so expensive.

      I tried to watch a couple of episodes of “Game of Thrones” and just hated it because it was so dull. I didn’t like the way women’s nudity was used as wallpaper so there were scenes in front of naked or semi-naked women which could have been done anywhere else. I really like Charles Dance so wanted to enjoy it and loved the scenes with his character and Arya which were clever and well written. I could have watched a whole series of him teaching her how to win at politics.

      Also I suffered from having a couple of dates with men who tried to explain why GOT was the best series ever and I should like it. I hate people telling me what I should like. It makes me dislike something on principle.

      1. Lilo*

        I actually liked Game of Thronea but it has some deeply problematic elements and is notorious for completely botching the ending. I’m surprised people still tell you how great it is, interest in the show absolutely dived after the last season. I don’t even want to go back and rewatch anymore.

        I noped out of House of the Dragon after a particularly gruesome bit in the first episode. I also read the book it’s based on and it’s just horrific deaths and misery. No thanks.

        1. Clisby*

          I liked Game of Thrones but didn’t really care about any of the characters, which was good because you never knew who would die next. Not that I think it’s necessary to care about a character to find them compelling – Tywin Lannister was probably my favorite character, and I wish he hadn’t been killed so soon, but I didn’t care about him. I just thought he was a mesmerizing character. (I realize he had to die, because otherwise some of the stupid things Lannisters did would never have happened.)

      2. Prospect Gone Bad*

        I usually end up liking most pop culture stuff, but I don’t get the Godfather. It just seems like a series of random events. Didn’t stir any emotion in me. I only finished it because an older friend kept saying it was the best thing ever, granted he grew up Italian in NYC so I’m sure there was a heavy nostalgia effect

      3. Bagpuss*

        I’ve never seen or read any of Game of Thrones, although I have met George RR Martin and he seemed a lovely man in person!

    4. I need coffee before I can make coffee*

      Never watched “Friends” or “The Office”. I shy away from Sitcoms because they frequently seem to rely on making someone look foolish for laughs and I just get uncomfortable watching them. I tend not to have paid subscription services so I missed “The Sopranos”, “Breaking Bad”, “Game of Thrones”. I saw the first few Marvel movies, but then it seemed like each movie was becoming just a setup for the next one, so I lost interest. Also, how many reboots do we need for these characters? What are we on – the 3rd or 4th Spiderman? How many Batmans are there? I can’t keep up (and don’t want to).

      1. Prospect Gone Bad*

        Friends gets a lot of hate unjustly, I actually started watching it while working out and found it to be so much better than I thought, since there is so much hate about it online. Much of the episodes are about navigating early career issues in a funny way

    5. Anne Kaffeekanne*

      I haven’t seen most Disney movies. I will occasionally watch one now that I’m an adult, but I have no fond childhood memories of them, as so many others do.

    6. Falling Diphthong*

      I first saw a John Hughes film way past the 80s, watching with my teenagers. I was like “Well that was a gross example of sexual harassment that in no way should be waved off as sweet and charming.”

      1. Dark Macadamia*

        Same! I tried it for a few days when it got popular and didn’t really enjoy it. People are surprised because I’m an English teacher, lol

      3. Chaordic One*

        I’ve heard of it. I know it is a game of some sort, but I don’t really know anything about it.

    8. RussianInTexas*

      Simpsons. All of Toy Story movies. Most of the “big” mob movies. Basically most pre-mid 1990s American pop culture in general.
      Never seen Hamilton, no desire whatsoever.
      I am thoroughly meh on the pre 1990s music as well, so even if I know some songs of major bands, I don’t really care to listen to them.
      I also have very little knowledge of American literature, the books you read in high school, due to not being exposed to them.

      1. Prospect Gone Bad*

        Can I ask how old you are? Most people I know (even young people) describe music going downhill circa mid-90s so it’s weird to see someone saying the opposite!

    9. allathian*

      Romcoms aren’t my thing. I did watch a few episodes of Friends when it was originally broadcast, but I lost interest in it very quickly. Same with Seinfeld. In my early teens I loved The Cosby Show because I had a crush on Theo/Malcolm-Jamal Warner, but there’s no way I’d want to watch that again.

      I haven’t seen The Sopranos, and we’re only now watching The Wire for the first time.

    10. Dark Macadamia*

      I’ve only seen the lady Ghostbusters movie, never the original.

      I hated Breaking Bad. Had to force myself to finish season one and was like wow, people think this is good?

      I’m really not into any major classic rock bands. My husband will sometimes play extremely famous songs and I don’t recognize them until the chorus and/or can’t identify the artist.

      1. The Prettiest Curse*

        I’ve never seen any of the male-led Ghostbusters films either. I have seen the female-led version and I also used to watch the animated Ghostbusters series for kids, which was kind of fun but apparently didn’t inspire me to watch the original films.

      2. Clisby*

        My husband and I watched 3 episodes of the first season of Breaking Bad, and just had no motivation to watch any more. I couldn’t figure out how anyone would have the slightest interest in Walter White, let alone care about the character.

        It wasn’t because he was making meth – one of my favorite ever TV series was The Wire – but there were a lot of characters in The Wire who were interesting/appealing even if I didn’t really *care* what ultimately happened to them.

    11. KatEnigma*

      I have never seen Top Gun, even though I was a teenager when it came out.

      I’ve also never seen Nightmare Before Christmas.

      1. The Prettiest Curse*

        I’ve never seen Top Gun or the sequel, no desire to see them either. I think you have to have a crush or man-crush on Tom Cruise and/or fighter pilots in general to get the most out of those films, and neither of those things applies to me!

        1. UKDancer*

          I’m not sure about that but I did have a crush on Kelly McGillis as an impressionable teen. I could never work out what she saw in Tom Cruise though. I also rather fancied Michael Ironside for reasons that now escape me. Mind you then I saw “Hot Shots” and could never take the film seriously after that.

      2. Prospect Gone Bad*

        There were way too many good movies in the 80s and into the 90s. I am surprised when I meet someone who’s seen most of them. I’m always like, did you not have school? A job? I did not have time to watch five movies a week!

    13. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      ET (though I’ve seen clips). Don’t regret missing it.

    14. WoodswomanWrites*

      I’m glad to see this thread. A while back I posted asking if others were like me and didn’t understand a lot of the pop culture references that show up in people’s comments. It turns out there were a lot.

      So, I haven’t watched any TV show series since the 1980s. I’ve never seen Cheers, Friends, Seinfeld, Oprah, Game of Thrones, the Office, Breaking Bad, etc.

      I haven’t seen any of the Toy Story movies, either. The only version of the movie A Star is Born I’ve seen is the one with Judy Garland and James Mason. I went to one of the first Marvel/comic book movies and that’s it so no Batman, Spider Man, etc.

      I’ve never read Harry Potter books nor seen the movies. I’ve never listened to Beyonce. I don’t play Wordle. I haven’t watched the Super Bowl since I was a kid.

      At the place we don’t talk about on weekends, we had a big mailing party during the December holiday season. The movie Elf played in the background without the sound on. I mentioned that I had never seen it and the entire room of multigenerational and multicultural colleagues was amazed. (That prompted me to watch it online later. Even though I’m bah humbug about Christmas–ha, a Christmas Carol reference–I thought it was a clever and fun movie.)

    15. Morgana*

      As an aside, the video of Hamilton is actually a recording of the stage production. So you get the stage effect. We watched it with closed captioning turned on, which meant we got all of the dialog/lyrics/rap – it goes pretty quick and was easy to miss stuff without the CC.

    17. carcinization*

      I’ve missed most streaming things other than some of the Mandalorian (until the child goes off for training, though I understand that doesn’t last). I also haven’t seen most sitcoms since the Friends/Seinfeld/Frasier days… so not The Office or Parks & Rec or… no idea what the other things have even been since then. I also can’t watch scary things so no Walking Dead or similar.

    18. WFH FTW*

      Fun thread!
      Movies: Matrix, Harry Potter, Scream, Encanto, Twilight, Marvel/DC superhero, It’s a Wonderful Life, Bridget Jones, Love Actually
      Books: Harry Potter, Twilight, Flowers in the Attic
      TV: The voice, Bachelor/Bachelorette, Real Housewives, Dancing with the stars, Goldbergs, The Good Place, Parks & Rec, Community, Joe Exotic, Queer Eye, Grey’s Anatomy, NYPD Blue, Wednesday

  36. Bobina*

    Gardening thread: How are all the green things going?

    At the beginning of the year I had super ambitious plans to start working on the garden now that I finally have one, then I was sick for about a month between February and March which means I missed the motivation and weather window to start doing some digging and now its too wet to do anything. Which I’m a bit bummed about as I have such visions of a garden full of flowers in the summer!

    But, the bulbs I planted extremely late in December are coming up, going to have tulips for the first time which I’m excited about. And sowed some seeds a few weeks ago which are starting to germinate including some dwarf sunflowers which *fingers crossed* should be super cute if they make it to maturity! Alas, no sign of the tomato seeds coming up yet…

    1. Claritza*

      Planted pansies yesterday! They’ll only last until mid-June before they get fried here in the Mid-Atlantic USA, but until then I’ll enjoy the various colors and patterns. I’ll repeat in late September and they’ll last until about Thanksgiving.

      1. KatEnigma*

        Pansies and Violas are my favorites! Especially the purple and yellow ones.

        But as my second go round in zone 9a, I can only have them November-March, and it seems weird to be planting pretty purple flowers around my Thanksgiving and then Christmas decorations!

        The local nursery was outright advertising their red and white annuals for Christmas.

        Our neighborhood has front walks that go out to the mailboxes form a T, where most people put out flower pots on either side of the end rectangle. We found some lovely hand painted blue terra cotta pots at the local nursery, and I planted pink geraniums in them. The last time we lived in zone 9a (Bay Area, California) we had a geranium in a big plastic pot that moved all around with us for 12 years, from apartments to rental houses, and survived on oven like south facing balconies, even though I forgot to water it constantly. But the plastic pot degraded, so we made sure to get terra cotta. The combination is the only thing I am confident will survive the SE Texas sun!

    2. Sloanicota*

      I got way too excited about three weeks ago and bought a bunch of plants, and then here in the midatlantic we’ve had several late frosts (one almost imperiled the cherry blossoms!) so it’s all sitting in my kitchen and I’m not sure when they’re going in the ground! I see it’s going to be 37 Sunday night, which is probably still a little rough on some of my tender new flowers. I always feel like they struggle after coming out of the hothouse before they come to the store. Might be waiting even longer.

    3. GoryDetails*

      Argh! April already, and I haven’t acquired a yard-cleanup crew yet – and without that, the only gardening I’ll be doing is in containers, to be set up in May. [I rely on those anyway, for my favorite vegetables, but I have a lot of yard space and would love to plant lots of flowers and herbs and leafy-greens…]

      I do have some lovely beds of snowdrops, which happily endure the frosts and even a recent heavy wet snow (now melted); the crocuses are appearing as well, though they tend to get flattened in the nastier weather.

      My indoor Aerogarden’s crop of stocks has been blooming steadily for many weeks now, and while it could use some pruning – and is probably nearing the end of its blooming cycle – I’ve really appreciated having the flowers and their delicate fragrance in the house.

    4. kina lillet*

      I’m starting my first ever gardening season (so I’m firmly in my screw-it-up era) and watching to see what the previous owners of the house planted. For the raised vegetable beds, I think I see spinach, scallions, and chives rearing their head again; the strawberries are definitely going wild. I think I can start planting my own spinach and peas soon? Now? So I’ll probably give that a try this weekend.

      1. KatEnigma*

        When you can plant depends on your USDA zone. It’s already too hot for peas and spinach here. LOL

      2. Missb*

        I’m in 8a and it’s the perfect time for spinach and peas. I planted out some starts of peas last week before I got sick. The seeds had been outside in a container since February; I finally noticed they were ready to transplant. I looked at them the other day and they seem to be doing well.

        I find that the larger grocery stores start putting out their cool weather crops about the time I’m transplanting my starts in the back veg garden. If you don’t know your zone, you can just Google it up, but check your local nursery to see what sort of cool weather crops they have available too- that’ll tell you a lot about whether you could plant them now or if it is too late/early.

    5. KatEnigma*

      We have tomatoes on 3/4 of our plants! Our cherry tomato plant is full! But the Better Boy has a huge tomato growing on it, and the Early Girl has decent sized tomatoes now too. The plants have switched from growing branches and getting taller to growing fruits. Which reminds me that I’d better add some egg shells to the garden! (The 4th is a Black Krim- the most delicious tomatoes you’ll ever eat. But they are slow and on the delicate side and take some babying and lots of trimming to prevent disease)

    6. Missb*

      I am starting some stevia today as well as restarting a variety of tomatoes because I’m not loving the seedlings from the first batch.

      I’ll be potting up a bunch of tomatoes too, and trying to find random places around the house in the south facing windows for them.

      I’m hoping to plant my Egyptian onions this weekend. I bought some bulbs and baby bulbs from an Etsy seller. All of them have rooted and shot up a bunch of green. Time to evict them from my unheated enclosed porch and into a garden bed.

      I plan on filling their empty spot on the porch with some petunia starts that need to acclimate to the outdoors. I’ve never started them from seeds until this year and I’m thrilled with how they look.

      And I need to pot up some coleus starts. They’ll grow as a houseplant but of course I’m planning on putting them outside, I just can’t put them out there yet. So they’ll end up in my living room for now. Those are super tiny seeds too.

      I got my greenhouse plastic in the mail yesterday so I’m hoping to get out and cover my frames in my two largest beds. I have a lot of plant starts, lol. I gotta get them out.

      1. HoundMom*

        I am very excited that my indoor lemon tree has bloomed. It was originally bought at a Florida airport as a twig for my youngest many years ago. It did well but then it looked like it was dead.

        Two years ago I made it a project to save and this is the first year with any blooms in four ir five years. I am attempting to pollinate by paintbrush. Wish me luck.

    7. Venus*

      Tomatoes need consistent temps at about 50F to get going. If your tulips are only getting started then it’s likely your tomatoes are waiting for warmer weather.

    8. Sloanicota*

      Actually I’d love to ask a gardening question from the group mind. I live in the Midatlantic and the grass on my lawn is different from what I’m used to in the Midwest. In winter, it turns totally brown and looks dead. But some time in the Spring, it greens up and becomes a normal-looking lawn. I actually think it’s kind of cool because I never waste water in the summer (I don’t water it) but it stays good even in the heat of summer, which kills everything else. So does this sound like a “warm season grass” or something? The reason I want to know is because when I overseed or re-seed a patch, I want to make sure it’s the same kind of grass. Thanks!!

      1. Venus*

        It would be difficult for anyone here to know. I suggest bringing a small sample (not a large section, just roots and all of a few blades of grass) to a local garden center and ask them if they know. Or find a local gardening group. Even if they can’t tell you an exact type they should know options that give you the same performance.

  37. Sharkbait*

    My cousin and her husband and kids live in another city. They come over once or twice a year and stay at their parents’ place, usually 2-3 weeks at a time. Cousin and her husband arrange to WFH during this period and leave her parents, my aunt and uncle, to do all childcare, cooking and cleaning – all day, every day. They do not even wash the dishes. Their kids are not easy to look after as they are spoiled and demanding. One kid is 8 and I saw him throw a tantrum because my aunt accidentally served a piece of carrot on his plate. He cried and raged until the adults made a big show of throwing away his plate of food and making him a new one, carrot free. He and his equally spoiled sibling frequently remind me of Dudley Dursley.

    I have said nothing to date because this isn’t my business and a part of the problem is that my aunt and uncle cannot say no. But as my aunt/uncle get older and enter into the elderly and vulnerable stage I am struggling to bite my tongue. They are in their mid 70s and have had some medical issues. At this stage of their life they are realistically not going to develop sudden boundaries. I feel like they are more in a stage where family members need to start looking out for them.

    If you were in this situation and this was your family, would you say something or stay out of it? What could you even say that politely communicates to the cousin that maybe, just maybe, she should start to be considerate of her elderly parents? 1

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I would stay 100% out of it (and probably be actively avoiding the cousin and her family entirely when she’s in town) because this is not my circus. To an extent I would be low on sympathy anyway to be honest – the parents raised the cousin, AND they choose to tolerate her and her family’s behavior repeatedly. I cannot save them from themselves.

      (That said, if cousin actually ASKED me why I never come over when they’re in town, I would answer her, and then she probably wouldn’t ask me again. I haven’t talked to any of my poorly-behaving relations in over ten years.)

    2. Sloanicota*

      If you want to help, and you’re there for this same week (which I assume you, to be making the observations) I’d suggest maybe renting a VRBO during this trip to get these people out of your aunt and uncle’s house, and either hiring help to clean or doing it with the family. But that’s likely more involved than you’re looking to be. You could suggest serving catered food, or offer to send some?

    3. Falling Diphthong*

      My experience with this sort of dynamic is:
      • The boundary-less never set boundaries
      • The boundary-trampling are extremely sure they are right, and not hearing any outside nonsense about how they are wrong

      I would stay out of it unless someone asks for your input. Then I would be honest.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        I once witnessed the following:
        Boundary-trampling person got told off by another visiting family member for some bit of irresponsible dumping of her work on others. Had a rage meltdown, declared she was taking her family and LEAVING. After she left, boundary-less hosts expressed how relieved and grateful they were; rest of visit was peaceful.

        But no, the hosts were never going to say on their own “Hey, with Grandma’s literally struggling with severe fatigue as diagnosed by her doctor, which you know, having her wait on you hand and foot is not a good plan.” And the boundary-trampling were never going to hear a calm person preemptively explaining this so they could adjust how they treat the boundary-less to be more thoughtful and helpful. The rage meltdown I describe could have resulted in the rager locking herself in her bedroom for the next 4 days, rather than leaving.

        1. KatEnigma*

          That was miraculous. Usually the boundary free hosts yell at the truth teller for making their precious angry enough to take away the kids, and all the blame would be on LW, not the parent.

        2. Firebird*

          People with no/poor boundaries often thank me for speaking up after the fact. Then they start depending on me to be the Boundary Police for the group and I’m tired of it.

          One guy keeps telling me that he has my back, and I know that it means absolutely nothing, and that he just wants me to make all the effort. (Weirdly, this is the creepy incel that I had to shut down. He’s been trying to get my approval in front of the group and I Am Not Having It. I’m polite, but that’s all.)

          Now I stay out of it, even when they hint at me, to get involved. I’ll help with scripting and moral support, but I’m not doing it for them, unless it’s something that affects me, too.

    4. RagingADHD*

      I’d ask my aunt and uncle how they feel about the situation.

      If you want to empower them and center their needs, then start by centering and respecting their feelings. Don’t just decide for them what needs to be done, that’s just running roughshod over them in the other direction.

      They are adults, and while they may be getting tired, they are presumably im full possession of their faculties. Talk to them like adults.

    5. KatEnigma*

      Agree with everyone else. Even your aunt and uncle won’t appreciate the interference. Your cousin will be Offended and will throw a fit to rival the 8 yr olds, and your aunt and uncle will be mad at you for the drama caused. Just keep your mouth firmly shut.

    6. Samwise*

      Butt out. Unless your aunt and uncle are cognitively impaired, they are functioning adults and can speak for themselves.

      Don’t visit your aunt and uncle when the Dursleys visit.

  38. GardenGnomic*

    I work in a garden that’s open to the public. The border that I take care of is looking great! It’s mainly full of herbaceous perennials for Summer interest, but I’ve been gradually introducing some Winter and Spring-flowering plants to the mix.

    I started about 8 months ago, and have overhauled a few things – taking out some large laurel shrubs to create more space, moving a few things around, thinning out large patches where I had too much of the same plant, dividing tired perennials, increasing the variety of Winter interest, adding drifts of Spring bulbs to try and connect different sections of the border… It’s been a bit of a transformation. I’m currently waiting to see what type of daffodils are going to open up (I can’t rely on the labels to be accurate), and intrigued to see what look like tulips in some unexpected places.

    Now I’m waiting for all my seedlings to be ready to plant out (most are still in cell trays, but I might need to plant my Echinops next week, before their tap-roots burst through the 9cm biodegradeable pots that they’re in. Things are moving really quickly now that the temperatures are in the double-digits (Celsius).

    Meanwhile, I have discovered several patches of Bindweed, in addition to the large swathe of Ground Elder that I already knew about, plus a huge number of Cleavers, and all of the thousands of Allium seeds that fell to the ground while I was dead-heading have sprouted like a hairy green carpet and in amongst the crowns of my other perennials… Grrr!

    Hope this doesn’t get removed for being technically work-related, but I’m so proud of how it looks right now! It’ll be a good time to audit the beds and get new labels printed, now that identifiable shoots are emerging and things aren’t too tall for me to step in amongst them and get a good look.

    As far as my garden at home, it’s mostly a patch of gravel with lots of containers, but the Alpine plants are flowering beautifully, There are species Tulips and snakes-head fritillaries in my bulb container, the peach and cherry trees are in full blossom, and the redcurrant bush that got hollowed out by a wood-boring moth has sprouted new leaves emerging, so I’m hoping it might grow back rather nicely.
    I have about 40 small pots sown with seeds that I got from the Alpine Garden Society seed exchange, and they’ve nearly all germinated – especially the bulbous plants. The only challenge will be finding new space for them all for next Winter. I got a lot of tender Southern-hemisphere plants this year, so they’ll need to be kept frost-free. But I’m treating them mainly as an experiment – I haven’t really tried growing anything specialist from seed before, so I mainly went for stuff that I thought would withstand a little benign neglect.

    This really is my favourite time of year for how everything’s bursting back into life since the Winter. I feel like it’s giving me more energy, too!

    1. Maryn*

      We still have snow on the ground, but your post brought a smile at Spring having arrived where you are. Please come and garden at my place?

      But don’t bring your bindweed, okay? That stuff’s awful.

      1. Venus*

        Same. It reminds me that we won’t be covered in snow forever and spring will soon be here.

  39. Fitbit Luxe problems*

    Recently, my Fitbit Luxe has stopped tracking my entire walk. When I look at the map, it always misses the first leg of my walk. It is annoying. I’m assuming that because my correct miles/kms are not being recorded, this affects the accuracy of my pace. Does anyone know how to fix this?

    1. Just here for the scripts*

      We had that happen when we relied on its ability to automatically recognize a walk, bike ride etc. —once we started setting it as an exercise its accuracy was better.

      Also there are places where the Fitbit drops its signal. It’s happened to my husband’s in one area in Manhattan when we ride—so much so that we’ve changed our regular route. If such an area is your starting point, then you might just be SOL.

      Final thought: Hubby uses an android phone and has found that Fitbit doesn’t keep that up the way they do the iPhone version—but that might change now that they’re owned by Google. For the moment the lack of parity is driving him to research watches/trackers made by the same company as his phone.

      1. Fitbit Luxe problems**

        Thank you! I use an Android, too. I always chose the “Walk” exercise before I begin, and it worked all along, but now has suddenly stopped recording the first part of the walk. I, too, am so frustrated that I’m considering getting rid of the Luxe and getting something else that’ll work better. One of my goals is to continually try to increase my pace, but I question if it’s even being recorded properly.

        1. Just here for the scripts*

          It’s also possible that you need to update the app on your phone—hubby reminded me that my most recent walks didn’t register on it earlier this week until I did—even though the step number did and there was no update message on the phone app. He had to actually force an update (delete the app and then re-add it) to get it to work smoothly again—don’t r remember if he lost any data when he did it.

    2. Peter*

      I don’t use a fitbit but have you checked that there isn’t a disguise home location option on? That’s an anti-stalking option for Strava to avoid people knowing where you live.

  40. Bibliovore*

    I am sick of winter. We just had another snow storm.
    The Dr. told me this week that I have three more weeks of no weight bearing on my broken foot. That means boot AND crutches.
    Icing and elevation. NSAIDs.
    Please help.
    I need a distraction- new series (not a movie, I don’t have the band with)
    Last time I was like this, the commentary suggested the new Leverage and it was perfect.
    I have Apple plus, Paramount (for star trek) Disney, Netflix, and Hulu.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I forget where it is, but if any of those have Resident Alien with Alan Tudyk, it’s fantastic. A space alien is stuck on earth and forced to pretend he’s the town doctor and try to fit into the small rural town while he finds the missing parts for his spaceship and avoids the Men in Black.

      1. Peanut Hamper*

        I have not heard of this, but I love Alan Tudyk, so I will look for it! Thank you!

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          I was in the same position when I first heard of it and it is AMAZING. (Or at least, the first season is. There’s three, I think, and I haven’t gotten to the others yet.)

    5. GoryDetails*

      Much sympathy re your foot!

      Don’t know if this would appeal, but I found it surprisingly enjoyable: the “Glow Up” makeup-reality-contest series on Netflix. I’m not into makeup myself (though as a fantasy/SF fan and sometimes convention-goer I do love some good special-effect makeup), but really enjoyed this series, which includes challenges re more typical makeups as well as the over-the-top artistic and/or special-effect types. And for the most part the contestants seem to adore each other, which – whether nudged by the producers or not – is quite refreshing…

    6. Ochre*

      I don’t know if you can find it but we’ve been watching The Pretender (from the 1990s) on Prime. It’s…enjoyably bad? Is that a thing? (Is that a thing you might enjoy?).

    7. Ally*

      Assuming you’ve already seen Ted Lasso? If not, highly recommend for improving the blue days!!

      1. Bluebell*

        And if you are up for it, Shrinking is really wonderful, though the main character is working through grief after his wife dies. But it’s by the same creator as Ted Lasso and so funny.

        1. Bibliovore*

          hah! if you have been reading my postings over the last year, you may recall my grief counselor/concierge gives me tv watching assignments. The latest is Shrinking! It is so perfect!

          1. Bluebell*

            Yes – I’ve been reading your posts – that’s why I added that note! It is an amazing show- one that makes me laugh and tear up. When you are ready for movies, The Station Agent also gave me the same laugh/cry thing.

    8. Donkey Hotey*

      First: Best of luck on the recovery. Please be gentle with yourself.

      I do find it amusing. I love movies and don’t have the bandwidth for series.

      That said: on Netflix, we recently discovered La Legge di Lidia Poet – The Law According to Lidia Poet (Italy’s first woman lawyer.) Crime procedural plus costume drama with occasional “scandalous” love scenes, what’s not to love? Sadly, it’s only one season so far.

      I’ll echo the recommendation of Resident Alien with the national treasure that is Alan “I studied at Julliard” Tudyk.

      During my recent medical incident, I burned through Inside Job and Umbrella Academy, both on Netflix.

      And finally, I’ll say that if you have access: check out your local library system. We have watched so many series – both old and new – for free that way.

    9. sagewhiz*

      Three Pines, based on the Louise Penny books on Amazon, is excellent. Stars Alfred Molina. I’d never heard of the books and tuned in only when a dear friend told me about it, because all three of her grands are in it. When I finished the eight episodes I was soooo disappointed that was it. Even more so, as this week amazon announced the series wasn’t renewed.

      A couple of “oldies”:
      Bosch, also on Amazon, all eight seasons are superb (extra credi for all the lovely jazz).

      On Hulu, the first two seasons of Only Murders in the Building—Steve Martin & Martin Short are always a hoot. Nathan Lane guested season 1, Shirley McLaine season 2, Meryl Streep is in upcoming season 3!

      1. Workerbee*

        I had just been recommended the Three Pines series also and am itching to try it – I recently got into the Louise Penny books and am HOOKED like crazy. Even 8 episodes would be a treat (I hope – it is hard to get invested and then…that’s it).

      2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Thank you – I have watched almost a half dozen episodes of Only Murders in the Building this evening. So I will now second that one. :)

      3. coldbutcozie*

        Thirding Three Pines. The series deviates from the books with a thoughtful narrative spotlight on MMIW (for those not in Canada, that’s a common acronym for murdered and missing indigenous women).

    10. RagingADHD*

      Do you mind subtitles? I found Lupin and Capitani very engrossing. They are both on Netflix.

    11. Mac (I Wish All The Floors Were Lava)*

      I finally started watching Glow (the series– there’s a documentary that I think has the same name) on Netflix and LOVED it.

    12. Anono-me*

      I just started “The Great Interior Design Challenge ” from Great Britain and really like it.

      I like ‘New Tricks’, ‘Good Karma Hospital’*, ‘Eureka’, ‘The Indian Doctor’ (Especially the first season ) and ‘All Creatures Great and Small’. I sometimes enjoy ‘Hometown’ about renovations in smalltown MS. There is a new home disaster repair show called ‘911 Reno’ set in MN that I have heard good things about.

      *There is (what I think is) a very powerful story arch involving a widower and his grief. So you might want to be consiterate with yourself when watching it.

    13. I'm just here for the cats*

      if you haven’t found Ghosts yet on paramount+ check it out. season 2.is almost done. it’s hilarious. based on a BBC show of the same name.

      1. I take tea*

        If you can get your hands (eyes) on the BBC original, do watch that, it’s a delight.

    14. Lemonwhirl*

      We recently loved “Reboot”. It’s on Hulu and is about the rebooting of a 90s sitcom. The reboot involves a younger show runner being forced to partner with the originator of this sitcom, an generational hilarity ensues. But there’s so much more going on than that. (One thing to be advised of, the humor is quite filthy, but not mean or crass. But we watched it with our 12 year old and had a few regrets. :D But it really is so funny.)

      Also, you might enjoy “Poker Face” on Netflix. It’s about a woman who can always tell when someone is lying who is forced to go on the run. Two of the writers from Leverage worked on the show.

    15. Ghostlight*

      High school musical the musical the series on Disney+ is pretty fantastic. It’s really really meta and self-aware and it’s fun escape itself. There are three seasons now and it should last you at least two or three days.

      Also, the behind the rise series on Disney+ is great. It’s 10 episodes I think.

      I will try and think of some others as well

    16. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Star Wars on Disney+. There are movies and tv series, and lots of both. Will keep you occupied for quite a while.

  41. Sloanicota*

    We have large family gatherings where everybody comes from all over the country to stay for a week. The food situation used to be pretty easy, but in the past few years has gotten tricky: we have some vegans and at least one person who has celiac (must be gluten free) and mostly eats meat. We used to all prepare large shared meals but personally I think that time has gone and we may need to have people prepare for themselves. However, I’m willing to try and think what meals could be made sort of deconstructed and then people put together their own (so, tacos with some GF tortillas and lots of toppings). I also am on a rice-quinoa-lentil kick, so I can think of some bean salads I can offer. I suspect the “middle of the road” people won’t be so happy with this offering though. Any other suggestions from the group mind?

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Pasta bar, taco/nacho bar, baked potato bar, sandwich bar.

      Salad bar maybe, with grilled chicken for the carnivores?

      Build your own pizza on English muffins, naan, tortillas or whatever.

      If you trust your crew to be careful, you could do a night of dips – queso, spinach artichoke, hummus, etc, with a variety of dippers, but everyone has to dip off their own plate.

      Breakfast spread? Pancakes with a few toppings, scrambled eggs, bacon, sausage, tater tots, fruit – you can get GF pancake mix.

      You’ll probably want to assign someone trustworthy to watch folks to make sure they don’t cross contaminate the utensils and such, and the GF person gets first crack through the line just in case.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Burger night – hamburgers, turkey burgers, black bean burgers (do these on the grill first if you’re doing them on the same, but we do the veg*n burgers on the stovetop when we do grill nights just to be safe). Chips and/or salads to go with, just label everything.

    2. HannahS*

      Middle Eastern spread:
      Falafel (buy frozen and reheat in oven)
      Grilled kebabs (can do meat and veg)
      Rice
      Pita
      Tahini sauce, hot sauce
      Salad (either chopped veg or tabbouleh or big lettuce salad)

    3. Not A Manager*

      I suggest that the people who have very specific dietary needs make or bring several largish batches of versatile food/ingredients that work for them. Other people continue the tradition of making shared meals (if that’s a pleasure for you, as it is in our family). Meals can continue to be shared dining/cooking events, but also ensure that people who can’t eat everything can always eat something.

      When it’s your turn to make or plan a shared meal, be sure that at least some of the dishes meet the specialized requirements, but you don’t have to plan a full meal around everyone’s specialization. When it’s meal time, people who can’t eat everything on the table can round out their meal with whatever they specially made or brought with them. If possible, they should make enough of that so other people can taste a small bit, but everyone knows that this is not communal food.

      The person with celiac might need to be more rigorous about their special food, but this system should work in general to allow everyone to have some kind of communal dining experience.

    4. Pop*

      This is definitely doable with a “make your own” (fill in the blank) situation. Red Reader has some great ideas. Similar:

      Mediterranean night – bowls w options to have quinoa, salad greens, chicken, roasted chickpeas, feta, olives, cucumber tomato salad, tahini or tzatziki sauce
      Food on the grill – grill a bunch of Meat and veggies, side salad, nice loaf of bread
      Chili – make veg chili, make meat on the side for folks to add (this works well with sausage in particular – easy to cook and cut up and add on top), then have toppings of cheese, sour cream, green onions
      Vermicelli bowls – rice noodles, raw veggies (peppers, carrots, cucumbers), dressing, herbs, tofu, shrimp
      Soup night – one vegan soup and one meat GF soup.

      We do stuff like this every week in my extended family where people can make their own plate (vegan in a family of omnivores with a picky person and some kids) and it works out really well.

    5. KatEnigma*

      Yes, the middle of the road people will complain. At least until the first time it happens, and then they will rave about how awesome an idea that baked potato bar was.

      I once had to plan a “welcome newcomers” dinner for our church. Because the Pastor’s fiancee had celiac’s and we were welcoming her, I insisted on everything being GF. OMG, the push back I got for suggesting a baked potato bar. Why did EVERYTHING have to be GF. Why couldn’t we just order the usual “hot ham and rolls” and she didn’t have to eat the rolls (well, aside from the celiac issue, I was sick to death of hot ham and rolls for every event!) My co organizer was in a panic because I stressed that she had to read labels on even the hot dogs she wanted to get to go inside the potatoes, because they sneak gluten into everything. I personally brought a container of my homemade chili out of the freezer because I knew every single item that went into it was fresh, no additives – and it wasn’t a GF kitchen, but I ASKED to make sure she wasn’t so sensitive that a little cross contamination from my utensils wouldn’t cause her problems. I also personally made a GF cheesecake for dessert.

      Afterwards, everyone raved about how awesome everything was. We repeated the same after I suggested that a large funeral dinner should have a vegetarian option, so I personally provided vegetable lasagna along with the meat variety. I got push back. And then when the leftover lasagnas were served the next day at coffee hour, guess which one disappeared and people raved over?

      People get ideas in their head about what GF or Vegan entails and tastes like. And I agree about a lot of the substitution stuff that pretends to be a replica of a food that doesn’t fit into the dietary plan is awful. But using FRESH ingredients, you can always make delicious food.

    6. just another queer reader*

      I’m taking notes for my family gatherings!

      A few more ideas:

      – bibimbap (Korean rice bowl with lots of veggies, meat/tofu, eggs, and delicious spicy sauce)
      – veggie fried rice (optional tofu, eggs, or chicken)
      – chana masala, or other curries or stews featuring beans/lentils

    7. Ellis Bell*

      My first thought would be does your celiac relative need a gluten free kitchen? Some people are so sensitive they can’t even let bread inside their house. It might be worth a section or separate food prep area at least. My own favourite dish to make as a gluten free person happens to be vegan; Pineapple Curry made with roasted pineapple and butternut squash in coconut milk. It’s delicious, and what I make for special occasions. I am a big fan of people asking me about food before occasions because often it’s really one or two tweaks that I can help them out with, like a roast dinner is naturally gluten free aside from the gravy and it’s way easier for me to bring some instant gf gravy because I have it and know which brand doesn’t suck. Same with gf wraps and flatbread. I’d consider some buffet style things so you can provide options rather than one thing for everyone: so you can have some staples like salsa, corn chips, guacamole, hummus next to different flatbreads and a couple of lentil dhals, Spanish potato omlette, griddled aubergine and mushrooms etc.

      1. KatEnigma*

        I think all instant gravy sucks! ROFL I prefer to just use corn starch or potato starch in lieu of flour. I promise to read the labels to make sure it’s really GF!

        1. Ellis Bell*

          I make amazing gravy with cornflour but a lot of people, even when they use cornflour, use a non gf stock cube. It’s really tricky to trust other people to get that right.

          1. KatEnigma*

            My gravy consists of drippings, water, and usually corn starch because wheat flour has to be cooked longer and I’m lazy that way, salt, and pepper. Sub milk for water if I’m making a milk gravy. That’s the way my grandmother and mother have always made gravy- nothing processed except the thickener. I also hate the taste of those cubes- too salty! If I did want to use stock, I’d get out the frozen container out of my freezer whose only ingredients are water and chicken/turkey carcass, but usually the drippings from the bottom of the roasting pan are more than sufficient to flavor the gravy.

              1. KatEnigma*

                It’s a lot easier to cook for food allergies and restrictions if you cook from scratch. Our everyday eating is pretty simple, because, again, it doesn’t take much effort and time to broil or grill a protein and microwave a bag of steam-in-bag veggies. Garlic salt is my go-to seasoning. I wouldn’t have to do anything other than make sure the bread my SIL brings to our Easter dinner next week is safely away from the rest of the food to include a GF sensitivity, because even our big Easter dinner is simple and fresh ingredients. The more processed and “shortcuts” you use in a meal, ironically, the more work it often is! I don’t want to have to fuss or stress over meals where I’ve invited guests

        1. Ellis Bell*

          This serves four; You need one butternut squash cut into chunks and 250g pineapple chunks. Drizzle with olive oil and roast the squash for 30 minutes at 220c. Add the pineapple to the squash tray for a further 10 minutes until golden. Fry one onion chopped and one crushed garlic clove (we are onion sensitive, so we just use some leek for this bit of the recipe). Add two cans of coconut milk, a tablespoon of tamari (or gluten free soy sauce), and a tablespoon of tamarind paste. Then add a teaspoon each of turmeric, coriander and ground cardamom and a tablespoon of honey. Simmer for ten minutes until spices are absorbed. Add the roasted pineapple and squash and simmer for a further ten minutes. At this point you can also add green beans and cashews, though it’s perfectly good without. If you have a guest who absolutely must eat meat with everything, it’s super easy to add some cooked chicken at this point to some of the sauce in a smaller pan. Serve over rice with fresh coriander leaves and a squeeze of lime.

    1. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I just bought a bunch of NYX pencils– the retractable mechanical long-lasting– and I’ve been really impressed. I have oily under-eye skin and I’m super puffy at times. This stuff has stayed put pretty well and it’s not at all expensive. I used to use Cover Girl exclusively but recently came home every evening with huge under-eye smudges.

    2. PollyQ*

      Urban Decay’s are bulletproof — you can sleep in them with no smudging. They are kinda pricy though.

    3. Valancy Snaith*

      Maybelline Tattoo Studio gel liner. A minute or so to dry and it stays put all day. It’s a little annoying to sharpen but works great.

  43. Baby gift*

    I’m going to see a neighbor friend today for the first time since she told me she was pregnant with her 3rd. They found out yesterday that it’s a boy (her other two were girls and she was certain this one was too).

    What’s a nice gift to bring along? It doesn’t have to be baby related, since I’m bringing one of my kids over there for a playdate, but I thought it would be a nice gesture. Otherwise I can just bring food :)

    1. I heart Paul Buchman*

      For acquaintances I always gift baby socks. They are cute, cheap and it doesn’t matter how many they already have. Ditto singlets and bibs.

      I also take something small for the older children. Bubble mix, packet of pencils and colouring book, a ball. It can be hard on little ones when a younger sibling makes an appearance and jealousy over attention never helps.

    3. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      For the middle child, maybe Joanna Cole’s *I’m a Big Sister* so she can get used to the idea that she’s going to be switching roles a bit.

  44. NoSoCal*

    Lunch tote/pail help!

    I am in need of a new lunch pail for caring and keeping things cold, both personal and for the thing we don’t talk about on weekends. Any recommendations for a high-quality/quasi-stylish model?

    I found that just having a shoulder strap doesn’t work well. Totes seem best, but I’m often carrying multiple items so any thoughts here would help.

    1. Lilo*

      I don’t know if this fits your needs but my son has this little bento box that comes with a removable ice tray. you can easily slide it into a purse.

    2. KatEnigma*

      Does it have to be small? We’ve switched to an insulated back pack for the family.

      My son also has a stainless steel bento box that fits into an insulated lunch box. In theory, it keeps the foodstuffs away from the plastic fabric and should in theory keep the lunchbox itself from getting yucky and smelly. Well, maybe if he was older… LOL But the stainless bento is awesome, regardless.

    3. Reba*

      I really like my Rareform small cooler bag. LL Bean’s insulated tote has multiple straps and multiple sizes.

  45. HannahS*

    Talk to me about your Passover menu! We are accommodating a number of dietary preferences and it’s kind of ridiculous but here’s ours, for six adults and one toddler:

    Chicken soup and veg soup with matzah balls and spelt matzah balls. Salad plate with green veg and eggs, charoset, maror (like a mini seder plate minus the zroa.) Steak, brisket, salmon, roasted vegetables, potato kugel, asparagus. Fruit, meringues, almond cookies, kamish.

    We’re hosting for the first time, though my mom is doing over half the cooking.

    1. Elle*

      Good luck! I’m in the hunt for a good Passover stuffing recipe to go with Turkey breast. Something that doesn’t involve a lot of mushrooms. Per tradition I’ll be buying a chocolate cake mix that makes the gloppiest gooiest cake for dessert.

      1. rr*

        Matzo stuffing. Sautee vegetables (we do like a lot of mushrooms, but I’m sure you don’t have to use them – but we used onions, mushrooms and some celery, though very finely chopped), use slotted spoon to decant vegetables into big bowl (depending how much you use), so that you don’t take all the oil with the vegetables, and then season with dry herbs/spices and/or broth. Run matzo under hot running water (have vegetable bowl nearby, as matzo crumbles when wet) and mix it into vegetables until you have the right ratio. Which is enough that the stuffing holds together, but isn’t too much either. I know that is probably of limited help, but it really depends on how much is in the bowl of vegetables/how wet it is. The matzo should still be in pieces – not crumbs too. Also why the bowl of vegetables should be nearby when you wet the matzo.

        This is my favorite stuffing in the world, though again, mushrooms. When we made it, we made it for Thanksgiving too. Bakes beautifully.

          1. rr*

            Ah, I forgot, add the seasonings/broth after the matzo, not before. That way, the matzo gets seasoned too and more mixed in. And if you find it has too much liquid still, you can just slowly adjust it, by adding one wet piece of matzo at a time and mixing until it is where it should be. Sorry, it unfortunately has been a while.

      2. Another Jewish Commenter*

        I gotta ask – how do you make the gloppiest gooiest kosher for Passover chocolate cake? When I made chocolate cake from KP cake mix, it came out so dry.

        1. Elle*

          The crappy frosting is always so gloopy. it’s not a great cake but when I was growing up it was the only time we were allowed junk food, boxed cake mixes, etc. It’s the taste of Passover for me.

          1. Another Jewish Commenter*

            Haha, I totally get it. KP cake holds a special nostalgic place in my heart too.

    2. kina lillet*

      I’m doing a vegetarian menu for the seder I’m hosting, but it’s hard to design because every Asheknazi feasting bone in my body says “have a meat centerpiece.” Lots from the Ottolenghi Simple cookbook—roasted tomatoes over yogurt, herby salad with toasted almonds, roasted squash with goat cheese, nuts and pomegranate molasses, carrots & harissa, mushrooms braised in olive oil.

      And, making Nigella Lawson’s whole clementine cake for my family seder. I really love that recipe—it’s got literally five ingredients, tastes wonderful, is GF, and keeps well so can be premade.

      1. Elle*

        I have always wanted to make that clementine cake but it slips my mind. Her cakes are fantastic. I ended up buying Streigts stuffing and gravy mix, along with a box cake and icing mix. Hoping for so bad it’s good.

    3. AvonLady Barksdale*

      We’re doing a restaurant seder for the first night and for the second it’s going to be very, very small. I’ll probably do matzo ball soup (Pati Jinich’s recipe for Mexican mushroom matzo ball soup, I love it), tzimmes, some green vegetable, matzo casserole with mushrooms and artichoke hearts. Chocolate-covered matzo (of course!) and maaaaaaaybe a pavlova if I’m feeling industrious. This coming week will be my last of unemployment so I’ll have plenty of time, I just need motivation.

      I also have to make a ton of food because we’re traveling to a wedding next weekend in a place where we won’t be able to get much K for P food and the hosts aren’t providing anything for us. (There is DRAMA associated with this.) We’re very lucky to live in a big city that has Passover options, so I’m getting a ton of soups and quinoa salads delivered (we do that every year) and that also helps me relax in terms of seder menus– if I run out of time or inclination, I can always serve carrot soup!

    4. Roland*

      Vegetarian here – I’ve done a roast beet for the zroa when I’ve hosted. For my own centerpiece, lentil shepherd’s pie, but at others’ house I’ll just make do with sides. Tori Avey has an amazing recipe for vegetarian chopped liver that I make every year even if I’m not hosting.

    5. Bluebell*

      Well, I’m super impressed! For better or for worse our gluten free friend isn’t coming, and I’m working around one friend with a few dietary needs. Plus we are pescatarian. menu is matzoh ball soup, vegetarian chopped liver, salmon roasted with lemon and rosemary, butternut squash kugel, mashed potatoes with kale, maybe a green salad, and fruit, flourless chocolate cake, and macaroons for dessert. The veg chopped liver, kugel, and potatoes are all premade. As is the flourless chocolate cake, and macaroons. Guests are bringing drinks and fruit. It looked like there might have been a group of guests for a second night, but I just heard they have other plans so I will be trying to figure out whether I really need to do two seders this year.

    6. Elle*

      The grocery store had the largest can of gefilte fish in jellied sauce I have ever seen. It was Costco sized. I was horrified.

    7. Not A Manager*

      Chopped liver, homemade gefilte fish, matzah ball soup, Ottolenghi chicken thighs cooked with clementines, potato kugel, somethingsomething vegetables, flourless chocolate torte.

      Isn’t spelt chametz?

      2. HannahS*

        Haha yes, the spelt thing tripped me up too, but of course matzah meal is wheat so…
        Is your flourless choco cake pareve? I’m on the lookout for good pareve desserts.

        1. Not A Manager*

          No, it’s not. I usually substitute coconut oil or avocado oil for the butter, but to account for the liquid content of butter I eyeball something like 80:20 oil to water (or some other liquid) in place of the butter. This works very well for recipes that involve melting the butter instead of creaming it, and for recipes that don’t call for that much butter to begin with.

        2. Imtheone*

          If nuts are not an issue, you can make a nut torte. No flour. The nits are ground to a flour-like consistency. We used to do it ourselves, but can now buy readymade almond flour.

    8. E*

      I’m ovolacto veg and having a celiac friend over so it’ll be a light and spring-y menu, frittata and roasted potatoes and asparagus. Going to try to make coconut macaroons for the first time this year!

  46. General Organa*

    I’m getting married this fall, and we’ll be honeymooning in Italy, focused on Tuscany and the Amalfi Coast. Does anyone have any recommendations? I’m particularly thinking of restaurants, wineries, and hotels; there’s such an abundance of options that it’s kind of overwhelming. Thanks!

    1. M&M Mom*

      We just came back from a trip to Florence and Siena. We stayed in Siena for two nights, staying at a small B&B that was in the center of the old city. Went to an amazing restaurant named Campo Cedro which is an Italian restaurant with Asian influences. Also from Siena, we booked a a half day winery tour called “Castles and Chianti” using Get Your Guide which was a lot of fun. Enjoy your trip!

    3. Bluebell*

      It’s been many many years since I’ve been to Italy, but I still fondly remember San Giminiano in the Tuscany region. They have these beautiful towers, and their wine, Vernaccia, is excellent. Not sure about wineries near there. I’ve never been to the Amalfi coast, but a friend of mine honeymooned there, and had a wonderful time. I did think the isle of Capri was gorgeous, and I stayed in Sorrento but that may not fit in your schedule. Siena was beautiful.

    4. Falling Diphthong*

      Have a few days in Florence, and stay in the old city. You won’t need (or want) a car–it’s narrow cobblestoned lanes full of pedestrians. If museums are your jam, get tickets to the Uffizi in advance.

      Pisa is an easy day trip by train from Florence. And pretty much has the leaning tower, but that is way more impressive out in meat space than it seemed in little 2×3 photos, and I wound up being glad we included it.

      1. KatEnigma*

        I will say, I could easily skip Pisa again. I mean, my son has never been, so we might go once for him but that’s it.

        But I totally forgot about Lucca! THAT is worth a trip to- we went to Pisa in the morning, and Lucca in the afternoon on our family trip. I’m not alone in this thought, because a few years later, my husband’s uncle rented a house for a month for the family to drop in and out for whatever days they could manage, and he rented that house in Lucca.

    5. BadCultureFit*

      The Anantara Convento Di Amalfi Grand Hotel in Amalfi. The single most stunning place I’ve ever stayed.

  47. PhyllisB*

    Y’all, I need some advice. My mother just sold her home, and she had to finance it herself because the banks in this area will not do mortgages for mobile homes.
    If she dies before it’s paid up it comes to me, my brother, and my oldest granddaughter. Now here’s the problem: it just occurred to me (being tax season) that when we inherit this, we will each have to file a 1098 with our taxes.
    She refuses to use an attorney, she said she was in real estate and knew how to handle a property sale. That may be true, but since she’s passing this on to three of us, I feel like this should go into a trust and let the trust handle all this along with the disbursement of funds. My sister, (who declined her share and told Mother to give hers to granddaughter) is discouraging this, telling her that would just be a thousand dollars spent for nothing. I told her to ask her tax preparer (who is not a CPA.) She told her she didn’t need to concern herself with this. (I think she means don’t worry about it, you won’t be around to deal with it.)
    Is this going to be the mess I’m afraid it is? Are we even allowed to do this? I will be the one in charge of paying taxes and insurance and disbursing funds from the account, but I feel like this should be put in one name and when disbursing funds just deduct taxes and insurance from their shares. She feels like this wouldn’t be fair, that the other two will be left out. Is there a solution I’m not thinking of?

    1. fposte*

      Oof, that’s a pain. What I would desperately want here is for the heirs to be on the same page for the estate to sell the note on ASAP and to split the proceeds. You’ll probably have to file a 1098 for the interim period when the estate owned the note but you’ll likely have to be filing one for your mom’s last tax returns as well; there will be no shortage of paperwork.

      I’d definitely see a lawyer in your jurisdiction either way; if you’re the named executor, that might be chargeable to the estate.

      1. PhyllisB*

        She’s already rejected an offer from someone (company?? Individual who buys notes?? I don’t know because she didn’t give me details.) I asked her why she didn’t take them up on it, and she said: A: She wasn’t paying for inspections/title searches and such for this (I thought this was expenses the buyer assumed?) and B: The offer was $30,000 dollars lower than the amount of the loan. Can’t argue that’s a big hit, but I REALLY don’t want to deal with this.

        1. fposte*

          Right, and I think it’s clear that you’re not going to avoid it. So what do you want to do when it happens? Are you three likely to be in agreement on selling it?

          1. PhyllisB*

            I wish I knew what I wanted to do!! That’s why I’m reaching out here. I imagine they’re not going to want to deal with this any more than I do, but even if I/we want to sell it, I don’t really know how we would go about doing it. It’s already being paid for, but she can’t get a bank loan for a mobile home. That’s why my mother financed it for her.

            1. fposte*

              You Google “How to sell a mortgage note” and “Sell a mortgage note in my area [or state].” They won’t be banks, but there are businesses and investment groups who specialize in buying private notes. Contact three places that come up as possible buyers to see how their process works and if they’ll ballpark what an offer would be. That doesn’t bind you or them to anything, and things might change between now and when you have to make this decision for real, but you’ll have a road map ready for a time when it’ll be a lot harder to think through this kind of stuff.

    2. NoSoCal*

      Ask to it tax preparer if you have one or an attorney.

      So it depends on where you are located because inheritance things are jurisdiction specific. What I tell you for my area might not be great advice for yours.

      If she were to pass and it come to you, you’d likely get a step up on basis (for fair market value at that time), meaning you’d be able to sell it right away and have minimal gain. Or good news, long term capital gains at a really low rate.

      Honestly I think the three way ownership makes it interesting and that’s where an attorney would be necessary for you to navigate.

      So, don’t panic. But be aware there is homework in the future.

      1. PhyllisB*

        I do my own taxes with Turbo Tax, and she has AARP do hers. She asked her tax preparer and the lady told her not to worry about it.

    3. NOT A LAWYER**

      Um, yes. It has the potential to turn into a big mess, even before your mother passes, if her health becomes poor and she doesn’t stay on top of it.

      NOT A LAWYER* (and you definitely should see one), but if the note doesn’t get paid off before your mother passes, or if she and/or the heirs can’t sell the note, then your idea of setting up a trust sounds good. Your mother might set it up before she passes, or she might leave instructions in her will for a trust to be set up after she passes. The expenses of setting up a trust could be charged back to your mother’s estate if it is done after she passes.

      You would be named trustee and be responsible for administering the trust. You, your brother, and your oldest granddaughter would then be named as beneficiaries who would receive disbursements the trust. (You would be both a trustee and a beneficiary, while your brother and granddaughter would be only beneficiaries.) When the loan is paid off, the trust could then be dissolved.

      But again, I’m NOT A LAWYER* and you definitely should see one. It’s kind of complicated, and there’s a lot of paperwork involved and lots of potential for things to go wrong.

      1. PhyllisB*

        She’s given me power of attorney, but she is ADAMANT that she doesn’t want an attorney involved. She deliberately set things up so her estate doesn’t have to go through probate.
        Right now, she is still of sound mind, but she’s 92 years old and I have my doubts of her living for another 10 years. She might because we’ve had some long-lived females in our family; but the chances of her reaching 102 in sound mind…I’m not too sure.

        1. Lilo*

          I mean, if you have Power of Attorney, does she have to know you’ve talked to a lawyer? there are a lot of potential issues here, so get copies of everything and just get a consultation.

        2. WellRed*

          Being of sound mind doesn’t mean she isn’t also experiencing that intractable stubbornness that seems to befall the elderly, especially when they think they knows best and start to dig their heels in. She can’t stop you from consulting an attorney.

        3. NOT A LAWYER**

          You might still want to see a lawyer, specifically an estate attorney. If you don’t want to risk making her angry and having her withdraw the POA, you might have to wait until after she dies before you see a lawyer.

      2. fposte*

        There’s a local drama on farmland administered like this that we’re only hearing one side about on Nextdoor. Lots of indignant posts about government overreach, but it’s clear no proper paperwork has been filed for half a decade and it’s the beneficiaries who have taken the matter back to court.

    4. Anono-me*

      2 questions. One maybe positive and one maybe horrible (sorry), but I hope both are useful

      1. Can the entire estate go directly to a trust to benefit the three of you? Then the trust sells the note and pays for someone to deal with the trust taxes and other headaches. Then once the trust is fully liquid cash is could pay out.

      2. What happens if the buyer stops paying on the note and or lot rent? Evictions are usually tough and if the Trailer Park also has a competing claim, it becomes that much worse.

      You might want to check if it is a ‘seller financed mortgage’ or a ‘contract for deed’ and if the laws are different between the two in the location where the Trailer is.

    1. MaxKitty*

      Top Chef contestant Jamie Tran has a restaurant in Las Vegas, The Black Sheep, that we want to try.

    2. NaoNao*

      Absolutely! Partage–one of the most amazing meals of my life–, EDO gastro tapas, Wolf and Sparrow, NM cafe in Neiman Marcus (in the mall but not a casino!), the Cromwell is *just* inside the front doors and doesn’t have that casino-restaurant feel.

    4. Donkey Hotey*

      Define “nice” :-)
      The only restaurant that is completely removed from a casino (so, not counting Forum Shops) was Battista’s Hole in the Wall (across the strip from Caesar’s Palace) and had a great time. It’s the original idea that Bucca di Beppo ripped off: family-style Italian with walls covered in kitsch and photographs, usually of golden era celebrities eating there. Every order comes with your choice of house wine: red or white. And don’t forget Gordie the Accordion Player (tip him $1 and he keeps playing. Tip him $5 and he goes away.)

    6. Grits McGee*

      Tom Sietsema, the food critic for the Washington Post, did a big review of Las Vegas restaurants in 2018. I believe all of his top picks were off the Strip. The reviews are pre-pandemic and 5 years old, so no telling what the scene is like now, but it might give you some leads.

  49. M&M Mom*

    We just came back from a trip to Florence and Siena. We stayed in Siena for two nights, staying at a small B&B that was in the center of the old city. Went to an amazing restaurant named Campo Cedro which is an Italian restaurant with Asian influences. Also from Siena, we booked a a half day winery tour called “Castles and Chianti” using Get Your Guide which was a lot of fun. Enjoy your trip!

  50. Junior Dev*

    How do you socially move the conversation along when people ask you your job and it’s something boring?

    I’m on a contract making software for an industry most people think of as bureaucratic and boring. I do enjoy aspects of my job like solving interesting technical problems and working with other devs to figure out longer term improvements to the code. But mostly it’s a job I do because it pays well and doesn’t take up time and energy I need to do my hobbies etc. I think my life is interesting and well rounded but when I tell people what I do their eyes glaze over. I also don’t want to be self deprecating and say “I know it’s boring but…”, I’ve tried that and it doesn’t help.

    1. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

      Ask them about theirs as soon as possible! First give your little explanatory blurb, (which you can practice and improve every time someone asks you), maybe give one short amusing anecdote (something that happened at work lately, the coolest thing you’ve ever worked on, whatever’s been annoying you most), then turn the question back to them. Conversation is like tennis-the ball is supposed to keep going over the net.

    2. Dark Macadamia*

      “I make software for Industry, which sounds kind of boring but I love the problem-solving aspect.” Then if you don’t know what they do, ask, and if you know, say you appreciate how the job makes time for your hobbies and transition to that!

    3. fposte*

      Agreeing with Elspeth. They’re not likely asking because they’re keen to know the day to day details of dev life; it’s just a social pleasantry to ask. If you’d rather talk more about your hobbies, then it’s perfectly polite to say so. “I’m a junior dev, but really I’m spending more emotional energy on my resin jewelry these days. Do you like to craft at all?”

      1. UKDancer*

        Yes it’s a pleasantry. Say something brief then turn the topic back to them and ask the next question. I usually go with “I’m a corporate drone, working for Company X.” Then I either return the question or mention that I love dancing and that usually allows a change of topic onto hobbies and more fun stuff.

      2. MissCoco*

        This is exactly how my husband handles this question, says he’s a software dev for Major Company, then mentions he likes that he can listen to podcasts at work, and says “recently I listened to one about xyz”

    4. just another queer reader*

      My job is boring but it pays the bills. I’ve started challenging myself to talk about work as little as possible in social situations. It’s working great.

      “What do you do?”
      “I’m an accountant.”
      “Oh interesting, how do you like it?”
      “It’s a lot of paperwork but it pays the bills.” Then CHANGE THE SUBJECT.

      (If there are follow up questions, I try to answer in a sentence or less.)

      And have a mental list of more interesting things to talk about, like your hobbies!

      1. Roland*

        This. Just say “I’m a software developer”, you don’t need to give eye-glazing details or apologize. If they follow up give a bland answer and move the conversation along.

        1. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

          That works but ONLY if you follow up with another conversational gambit. You need to pass the conversation back to the other person. If you have a little story or something, they can ask interested questions or be reminded of the time their coworker microwaved trout too, but a short sentence by itself just drops the conversation dead.

          Think about if someone said that to you. “I’m a software developer.” What do you say next? You can’t immediately ask where they’re from-that sounds like an interrogation. You can’t stand there until they say something else-well, you could but it would be extremely awkward. So you have to come up with an intelligent question or remark to make on the topic of software developers. It’ll probably be, “do you like it?” or “oh, I’ve got a cousin who does that.” Neither of which are great.

          Your shared goal is to have a pleasant conversation. If you don’t like the topic of conversation, it’s your turn to come up with a new one. Don’t make the other person do all the work!

    5. Donkey Hotey*

      Whenever someone asks me “what I do,” I will pointedly list off all the things I do for fun until just before their eyes glaze over. Then I’ll say, “Oh, and for pay, I do X.” I try to drive home that there is so much more to my life than just my job.

        1. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

          Yeah, seems a bit much. Generally speaking, “eyes glaze over” shouldn’t be your goal for a conversation. And you shouldn’t be trying to correct someone you are making small talk with unless there is a major problem.

          1. Donkey Hotey*

            the difference is: I find asking a stranger about their job to be rather rude. I dislike the idea that a person is their job and it drips of classism.

            1. fposte*

              But you’re punishing the individual for the societal convention. And a person isn’t their name or their hometown either, but those are also common questions. It sounds like you’ve got a dirty lens on this.

              If you would prefer that people’s first impression of you be something other than your job, you’re free to say “My best thing lately is volunteering at a donkey sanctuary” or “Getting into the sackbut.” It’s not a loan application, they’re just saying “Hi, here’s a common question to indicate I have interest in a conversation with you.” Not much point in taking it out on them that you don’t like the common question.

            2. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

              Asking someone what their job is doesn’t imply that they are their job though.

              Honestly, “who are you?” type questions are incredibly intimate and not at all appropriate for small talk situations with a near stranger. That’s why we ask people about their jobs and families and how long they’ve lived in the area instead. It lets you start to get to know someone but doesn’t ask them to lay their soul bare.

          2. UKDancer*

            Yes this so much. Small talk conversations are supposed to be pleasant. If you don’t want to talk about the subject they’ve suggested, segue into another one and see what happens and let the conversation go somewhere in a reciprocal way. No need for anyone’s eyes to glaze over.

      2. fposte*

        It’s a banal question in a low-stakes interaction, though; no need to drive anything home at all. Most people default to assuming there’s more to other people than their jobs. “Rainy today, eh?” isn’t founded on the belief that meteorology is central to the recipient’s life.

      3. anna*

        Why so hostile about it? This reminds me of people who don’t get that “how are you” is just a social pleasantry. These are just mild expressions of interest in you, if you don’t like this one just redirect it. Someone “pointedly” listing off all the things they do that aren’t work would have me desperately regretting initiating conversation with them in the first place.

        1. Overeducated*

          I’m not hostile about it, but I have had a precariously employed time in my life when I wished the question felt a lot less fraught and didn’t make me dwell on my anxieties and perceived failures. And now that i have kids, I’ve realized that stay at home parents also sometimes worry about being judged for that. I think people who are sensitive to this question tend to feel that way for a reason. So I tend to try to rely more on questions about where people are from, weekend/vacation plans, events around town, etc.

      4. RagingADHD*

        If people’s eyes routinely glaze over when you’re talking, then you are hogging the conversation. That’s actually rude, as opposed to your made-up personal rule that asking about occupation is supposedly rude.

        If you don’t like the people you’re talking to, excuse yourself and walk away. Why be deliberately obnoxious?

        The only point you’re “driving home” is that you are choosing to be overbearing.

    6. Ellis Bell*

      You have posted a good conversation starter right here! “I’m a software developer, and I love my job because I can put it to bed and have time and energy for my hobbies”. They will either ask you about the hobbies, or it will start a conversation about work life balance.

    7. RagingADHD*

      By giving a short answer and then asking them questions about themselves, like their hobbies. “What do you do for a living” is just an opener. It doesn’t have to be the main topic of conversation.

    8. WorkingRachel*

      I don’t know if this is comforting, but I have a job that is *too* interesting…in 7 years I have never found a boring or neutral way to describe it that doesn’t involve straight up lying. The general description (teacher) invites follow-up questions that don’t have simple answers, and I either end up in a half hour conversation about it (which I don’t mind, but it does get repetitive), or people get a deer in the headlights look when they realize their polite question has led to way more than they bargained for. However, the answer to my problem and yours is the same: just change the subject as soon as possible. Have a couple of easy questions for them ready, or be ready to list a few of the hobbies that you’re passionate about.

  51. NaoNao*

    I’m going to Palm Springs next-next week for a short 4-day trip just for fun. (Old job ended, new job hasn’t started yet). It’s a very casual ‘research’ trip as my romance novellas are set in Palm Springs partly so of course I must be accurate in my descriptions :)

    I’ve got dinner reservations for 2 nights, but seeking recommendations on places to see and things to do without a rental car (don’t drive or own car) and place to eat/shop!

    1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      No advice, but have fun! That kind of research trip sounds like heaven!

    2. mreasy*

      Palm Springs is very walkable and, failing that, there are Lyft/Uber options aplenty. There are some fantastic hikes, and honestly just walking around the historic neighborhoods and marveling at the MCM architecture is a treat. Lots of cute boutiques / vintage shops along the main drag, though it’s definitely on the pricey side. I did buy an amazing caftan made of vintage fabric that I am obsessed with – Palm Springs is replete with those types of shops. Also a great place for brunch!

    4. Called Birdy*

      Palm Springs Art Museum. Nat Reed and Shag galleries for midcentury modern-inspired contemporary art. Tac/Quila for the in-house salsa and jackfruit enchiladas. You’ll have so much fun!

  52. LynnP*

    Has anyone taken Wegovy for weight loss? I started it 5 weeks ago and while I’ve lost weight I’m not sure how long I can live with the constant nausea. Does this abate or is this how it works?

    1. L. Ron Jeremy*

      The most common side effects of Wegovy include nausea, diarrhea, vomiting, constipation, abdominal (stomach) pain, headache, fatigue, dyspepsia (indigestion), dizziness, abdominal distension, eructation (belching), hypoglycemia (low blood sugar) in patients with type 2 diabetes, flatulence (gas buildup).

      Looks like you have the single most common side effect.

      Most of the minor side effects should clear up within a few days to about two weeks. However, if your symptoms worsen or you are still experiencing side effects after two weeks, you should discuss this with your doctor or pharmacist.

      1. Barb*

        If you’re not still at the lowest dose, see if you can go back down
        I am on Ozempic (same medication) since August and found that I can only tolerate a lower dose
        2 weeks of nausea in October that did not improve on the higher dose so I went back to the previous dose
        The dose I’m on isn’t even supposed to really work well but I’m Still losing weight
        Total of 75lbs so far

    2. The Dude Abides*

      My partner has been on Wegovy for a few months. It took a while, but it does go away.

  53. Kc*

    Utterly random question.

    I swear I read this here, but I can’t find it.

    There was a post, or perhaps a scenario”, where it talked about “the question.” And in the scenario or post, it explained that women instinctively knew what the question was, but not men.

    And the post went that the woman went to the empty office and was surprised to see her coworker there waiting for her. She was uncomfortable and got out of there. And explained to her husband that it was weird. The husband didn’t get why it was weird until another woman asked the ominous question “why was he waiting for her?”

    Does anyone know what I’m talking about? It’s driving me bonkers

      2. Firebird*

        THANKS, I needed this.
        There’s a link in the comments for The Pervocracy blog to an article called “Do You Scream”. It’s helping me figure out why it’s been hard to know when to object.

          1. Saddy Hour*

            God, all the men in the comments of that post who are like: “well but you SHOULD scream, *I* would never suddenly grope a woman so there’s clearly a bright and obvious line of difference there for everyone, and you SHOULD set better boundaries because I hate when females break up with me slowly instead of being direct! [?????]”

            I hadn’t seen either of these posts though, and they’re very relatable. Thank you both for sharing!

    2. Ellis Bell*

      When I read the letter about the woman whose leg was being stroked while unconscious and her boyfriend’s reaction was “eh, he’s a good guy; he has reasons” I thought that was about as creepy as it was going to get. Totally wrong of course because there’s always a more superlatively rapey guy who is even more dead set on grooming the men into thinking: “you have a woman toy, this is my woman toy and I will claim her by pressure/shame/force until everyone submits that she actually led me on.” That fucking guy, as the captain calls him.

  54. Invisible fish*

    Read the post about dine and dash; read comments about tipping policies; now I need to know:

    Is it best to give cash to server or put on the card?

    Which do servers prefer?

    1. Enough*

      I always give the server cash no matter how I pay. Figure this might make cashing out at the end of shirt a little easier. Also I always wonder if they have to wait for payment if it’s on a card.

    3. jasmine tea*

      I commented above, but my cash tips were frequently stolen by bussers, so I preferred credit.

      Generally speaking, though, it completely depends on the individual restaurant: how their POS works, if they tip out, how they handle cash outs. I’ve worked at some places that have the system calculate your tips when you clock out and let you subtract the CC tip total from what you turn in. I’ve worked at others that pool all cash tips and redistribute (this is often shady). I’ve worked at still others that make you tip out to hosts a certain percentage of your tables, without calculating what the tables actually tipped. There is no consistency in the industry, so if you want an accurate answer, ask the individual server when you’re greeted.

      1. Enough*

        but my cash tips were frequently stolen by bussers

        This is why I try to give the server the money directly. Since most of the time the server picks up my card to ring up the sale I include the cash with the card.

    4. Double A*

      I tip well and I tip on my card. It’s just easier for me; I don’t carry a lot of cash much less the right small bills to tip appropriately. On the rare occasions I go out to eat it is to have pay someone else to make my life a little easier. In addition, there’s no server’s wage in my state and minimum wage is $15.50 an hour, so tips are on top of at least that so I don’t feel like my tips are the sole source of supporting an ok wage.

  55. Small bites*

    I was invited to a friend’s house for a small gathering and I’d like to bring something. The host doesn’t drink so no bottle of wine. Any suggestions for a small bite I could bring that is easy to make or buy?

    1. Bluebell*

      Box of chocolates for dessert? They don’t have to be plated, and if your host doesn’t want to serve them, they don’t need refrigeration. Or a mixed nuts tray, with added dried fruit if you want to be fancy. Possibly a bottle of sparkling cider. If you’d rather bring something fresh, ask first.

    3. Falling Diphthong*

      Box of nice chocolates. Bottle of maple syrup. There’s a place near me that does fancy nuts and dried fruit and chocolate, and if you have such a specialty shop it’s a good resource.

      If the host hasn’t assigned you a course, I think it’s good to have something that doesn’t need to be served that night. e.g. If the host worked hard on a special mango tart for dessert, whipping out your extra red velvet cake lands with more of a thud.

    4. jasmine tea*

      An unusual or specialty/local condiment. It checks all the boxes: consumable, so it will go away whether they like it or not; not perishable so there’s no pressure to use it at the immediate meal; a point of interest/small talk for the gathering; and a clear reason to have chosen it. This is something I usually find by browsing local farmer’s markets or family-owned ethnic grocers, so I can keep a few items on hand.

    5. mreasy*

      I love to being chocolate – either bars of something craft made or special truffles. If it’s packaged your host won’t feel obligated to serve it that night, which is a bonus.

    6. Purple m&m*

      Piggybacking onto Jasmine Tea: you can usually find local honey in small jars. Or even in straws. Pop some in a tiny basket or small gift bag.

  56. MechanicalPencil*

    if this is a duplicate post, my apologies. AAM has been glitchy for my lately.

    Garden watering question!

    I live in a very warm climate. During the summer, I have to water my garden at least once, sometimes twice a day (needy plants). This makes even short trips fairly difficult.

    Does anyone have any self waterer suggestions? For a few different reasons, I only have a container garden. I’ve looked at those terracotta spikes or those water globe things, but does anyone have something they’ve tried and actually liked?

    TIA!

    1. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

      I made a DIY self watering planter last year and I was very happy with it. The only problem was that I still managed to let my plants dry out. But I could load several gallons of water into that thing and forget about it for days. Just not quite as many days as I actually left it.

      There are a lot of DIY tutorials online, but the basic idea is some sort of water reservoir at the bottom with a tube to get the water into the reservoir, soil above it, some method of keeping the dirt out of the water, and a way for the water to soak upward into the dirt. I made mine in a old wooden box lined with plastic.

    2. GoryDetails*

      I rely on a couple of different brands of self-watering planters for my favorite vegetables: my first was the Earthbox, and since then I’ve added several “City Picker” planters (the latter are available at local home-improvement stores). It’s certainly possible to make your own versions, but if you’d rather not have to get too do-it-yourself-ish, maybe take a look at these? (In the hottest weather – and with the plants at full size and production – I was topping mine off daily, but if I missed a day or even two the soil held enough moisture to keep the plants in order. In more extreme weather an add-on – either an extra water reservoir to expand the capacity or a connection to a water supply to keep the water level optimal – might make sense, but I haven’t needed that.)

    3. Indolent Libertine*

      Is there an outdoor hose bib available? If so, there are “patio” drip systems you can set up that attach to the hose outlet and they have timers, so you can set them to come on however often and for however long you want.

    4. Tiny Bubbles*

      Mulch on the surface of the soil will also help it hold moisture. Shredded leaves are basically free if you have access to fallen leaves and a lawnmower, but you can buy mulch at home improvement stores if you don’t (or don’t have any leaves hiding in your yard). Helps keep the weeds down, too, if those are a problem in your containers.

    5. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Also, for future plant choices, choose plants that are more tolerant of the dry conditions.

    6. Girasol*

      At our old house where the outdoor water system was badly designed for ever installing automated lawn watering, we used sprinkler timers. Those cost about $30 each and take either several AA cells or a 9-volt battery which would last us one summer. Screw the timer onto the hose bib, then turn the water on, and it lets the water out at specified times. You get to set the start times and the durations. In our back garden we had a dripper system that you could probably set up just as well for a container garden. The hardware store has all the fixings for connecting to a hose bib or the outflow of the timer and then stepping the hose size down to 1/4″ tubes for drippers of various flow rates. There are 1/4″ soaker hoses and teeny fan sprinklers too. Putting a drip system together is like building with legos: easy and rather fun.

    7. Unkempt Flatware*

      Yes! I live in the hottest largest city in the country and I swear by the GrowOya clay pot for my neediest plants. I use shade structures for those plants as well which has saved many from a miserable death in summer.

  57. hypoglycemic rage (hopeful ex librarian)*

    Thanks to you all again for your feedback on Seattle. I’m really excited to go – I’m only going for a few days, because it’s my first time doing long-distance travel entirely on my own and I don’t want to be too overwhelmed. But I almost wish I would have planned for a couple days longer….. “Unfortunately” now I kind of want to plan other places to travel, I have so much vacation time to use.

    I’ll make another post as it gets closer to the trip asking for actual suggestions (unless people want to share now, feel free)!

    But I did want to ask: should I wait to book the hotel or go for something now? I’m going in September and right now, the “nice” hotels (I’ve only looked at a few, granted) will run about $1,000 total and that’s kind of a lot. I don’t want to do air b&b’s because of all the fees, and because I want to treat myself and for this to feel like a vacation.

    And one more question for those of you who travel a lot: what souvenirs, if any, do you collect from the trip you’ve taken?

    1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Have fun! I used to collect little espresso cups with the names of places I’d been. That was back when I drank a LOT of espresso.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Enamel pins, sometimes, but always a refrigerator magnet. My fridge is covered in them. :)

    3. Dark Macadamia*

      When I was a kid I collected those little decorative spoons with pictures on the handle. My favorite was an Idaho one with a little dangling potato charm. My mom collected fridge magnets.

      I like getting small art pieces if I can find ones that aren’t too pricey, like little paintings from street vendors or even just a mini print if an artist is out of my budget.

    4. Lifelong student*

      I’ve been collecting small dolls or figurines dressed in native attire from many places. The oldest I have is a little Dutch girl purse sent from my godfather when he served in Europe in the early 50’s. I have an etagere made from an antiques gun cabinet with dolls from all over the US and the world either bought by myself or my parents in travels. Some of my favorites are Story Tellers- Native American, Olympic Mascots from several places, and various ethnic outfits.

    5. Tiny Bubbles*

      I always buy a fridge magnet, and, if I’m somewhere appropriate, a memorable bar of soap (yes, I bought the moose butt soap in the Yukon). It’s fun to pull a bar out of the closet and use it years later. I did manage to go through quite a bit of my stash when we weren’t traveling during the panini. I’m looking forward to rebuilding the collection, and it was nice to have travel memories when we couldn’t go anywhere.
      We do the pressed pennies for my daughter when she’s with us. I start collecting shiny new pennies in the weeks leading up to a trip and always start off with a few extra quarters. Some of the machines now take credit cards or charge $1 or $0.50 and supply the penny, but I like to be prepared for the older machines. Those take up almost no space in the luggage, are fairly inexpensive, and you can often select an image that means something to you from the options. Amazingly, the kiddo also considers them an acceptable souvenir (and this is a kid who LOVES to explore gift shops. She got that gene from my sister, not from me!)

    6. My Brain is Exploding*

      Something small that we can hang on the Christmas tree. Usually these aren’t Christmas ornaments as such; they may be a key chain (we swap out the chain part for a ribbon loop) but are often odd tiny things…for example, we’ve drilled holes in some Las Vegas casino chips, and a miniature basket from the Amana colonies.

      1. California Dreamin’*

        Yes, I try to get location-specific Christmas tree ornaments for each of my kids when we travel.

    7. MaxKitty*

      I would book a hotel now, but NOT a prepaid, not-refundable rate. Then you can change if prices get better later. What we’ve seen lately is that prices just tend to go up.

    9. yellow tulips*

      specific to seattle: I went to the market and got a fish print t-shirt. Inspired by the japanese art of fish printing, an actual fish is inked and stamped, and it was painted to look pretty.

    10. WoodswomanWrites*

      The only places I tend to get souvenirs from are parks, wildlife refuges, and other outdoor places. I love getting magnets that remind me of my time there. I don’t typically pick up souvenirs from other destinations.

    11. Decidedly Me*

      We do fridge magnets for souvenirs. We travel enough that bigger things would soon overwhelm the house, lol! We’ll also grab consumables at times and every few trips or so I may grab a tshirt.

    12. carcinization*

      I like to buy jewelry sometimes, it’s usually small and easy to pack and all that. It doesn’t have to obviously be specific to the locale… For example, I have some small stripy wooden stud earrings that I got in Wilmington NC that make me happy when I wear them, because I remember that trip, etc.

  58. FrontlinER*

    My fiancé and I are going on our honeymoon in November and will be going to New England (we live in LA). We are planning a road trip through Boston, Vermont, NH, and Maine! I know we’ll be a lil late for all the fall foliage, but is there anything we should not miss? Definitely hitting Boston and Acadia National Park. We are planning on a week and staying 1-2 days in each location. We are outdoorsy and enjoy pretty much anything!

    1. I don't mean to be rude, I'm just good at it*

      Perhaps take a ferry from Boston to Cape Cod and wander the streets of Provincetown.

    2. WellRed*

      Do you have some sort of roadmap in mind? That’s an awful lot of driving for one week but doable. Many of the facilities at Acadia may be closed in November but you can still visit for the views. Bar Harbor is charming as is Camden. Portland has a fantastic food scene. The Kangamangus highway in NH is scenic route if it fits in with your travels. Please bring warm clothes and be mindful if you take some rural routes in Maine/NH/VT cell reception may be spotty.

      1. FrontlinER*

        Oooh yeah should have clarified, we love road trips and are fully aware of the driving aspect! Thanks for your recommendations! :)

    3. Bluebell*

      In Vermont, the St Gaudens natl historic site is worth a visit, and in NH, I like Portsmouth. I second the suggestion of Portland- it’s got so many good restaurants, and visiting their old Observatory is cool. The Maine Coast is beautiful regardless of season, and if you do outlets, there’s Kittery and Freeport (lots of LL bean in Freeport) just outside of Kittery is Ft McClary, a small historic site, and it’s not too far from lovebird doughnuts which is awesome. :). Maine also has lots and lots of excellent craft breweries.

    4. Once too often*

      In November a lot of “seasonal” things will be closed. You may want to look into what’s open or not to help narrow your choices & figure out likely routes. All those states should have good online resources for most popular & less obvious options.

      [Also, in November it can be quite cool during the day & cold (below freezing) at night. And the last two years we’ve had November snow. Things are much more enjoyable with proper gear; layers can provide good options.]

      Congratulations on your coming nuptials & attendant celebrations.

    5. Overeducated*

      That covers a lot of distance. I’d recommend just going up the coast from Boston to Bar Harbor, not sure you can do too much in Vermont in that time. Although actually, my honeymoon was Burlington -> Waterbury -> Lovell -> Portland, if you want to do the beer tour.

    6. kina lillet*

      Sounds very very nice!

      If you have time to get out toward western Massachusetts, I’d recommend seeing Mass MoCA—really beautiful museum in a striking place. On the way you could stop at the Greenfield Mystery Spot (a gravity hill).

      Walking some of the freedom trail in Boston, with a tour, is actually super fun. You can see some of the city, and maybe scope out a couple places to go.

      There are also a pretty good number of good, independent donut places in the area—and even more once you count Portland. In Boston, a few are Union Square Donuts, Kane’s, and my favorite, Blackbird. Blackbird has an incredible everything-bagel donut—sounds weird but it’s sooo good.

      Walking through the North End is also a lot of fun—it’s small but still quite busy and vibrant.

      I’ve heard plenty of good things about visiting Ben & Jerry’s in Vermont, but haven’t been.

      1. Ochre*

        The B&J tour was fun a long time ago when I did it! I think it costs a bit but you get an ice cream sample at the end!

        It’s also near several VT favorites: Cold Hollow Cider mill, Lake Champlain chocolates, Danforth pewter showroom, a Cabot cheese place, etc… of course, confirm the hours and sampling/masking policies for all these places if you want to visit.

        These are all probably more central-VT than you’re looking for en route from Boston to Maine, but I have to put in a plug for my personal favorite drive in VT: the river valley along Rt 100 & 107 between Killington and Bethel.

    7. Veronica Mars*

      My husband and I did our honeymoon in Vermont, and we’ve spent a lot of time in VT and Maine. This is not outdoorsy, but we enjoyed Robert Todd Lincoln’s family home in Manchester (although it is sort of outdoorsy–you can wander the grounds and there’s a Pullman car on the property which was really cool); also the sidewalks in Manchester are marble and it was just kind of a cool (if touristy) town. Also, while in Vermont, get apple cider donuts somewhere and a maple creemee; both totally worth your time.

      Like everyone said, Portland is a great foodie town, and driving up the coast of Maine and checking out lighthouses along the way was really fun.

      We did a great hike in Franconia Notch state park in New Hampshire.

      In Acadia, I do recommend getting the popovers at Jordan Pond House if it’s open. It’s also totally worth it to drive up Cadillac Mountain at Acadia (we did have to make reservations for this); really great views.

    8. E*

      If you need a break from the outdoors, the Simon Pearce factory in VT is quite pretty and you can watch them blow glass. There are also a lot of covered bridges near there which some people like to see.
      The Boston Aquarium is really good.
      Someone already suggested the Freedom Trail – Paul Revere’s house is worth a stop.

  59. I'm just here for the cats*

    any tips for not feeling awkward when you go to events by yourself. today I went to an event at the university in work at but I sat by myself..felt really awkward and anxious. I get anxiety around social situations anyways. I don’t have any friends that live in my city so I typically have to go by myself if I want to go. I almost didn’t but I sucked it up. I’m actually sitting here by some students and I feel really awkward

    1. Double A*

      Just remember that nobody is thinking about you as much as you’re thinking about you. I also am quite content in an observer role and going to events solo is a great way to people watch.

    2. deuceofgears*

      Is there something you can bring to do that will attract friendly attention (and give you an activity to focus on)? My trick for getting through events is to bring a pocket sketchbook and a pen, and to sketch the people there! They don’t have to be GOOD sketches. (I practice cartooning and anyway, photorealism isn’t happening in the ten seconds before someone moves their head.) In fact, back when I started doing this, people would be curious about what I was doing, and I would tell them that I was learning to draw, and people are generally very friendly and encouraging and sometimes they have tips. Even if your sketches are very cartoony or stick-figure-y, most people LOVE it when you draw them, especially if you ask them to talk about themselves a bit or you compliment their fashion sense or whatever.

      It doesn’t have to be literally sketching – just something you can be SEEN doing and that extroverts will come talk to you about.

      (I actually met cartoonist Tillie Walden at a cocktail party this way – she was attracted to my sketchbook and said some very kind things about my efforts, haha. She’s fantastic – I loved her graphic novel On a Sunbeam.)

      Something else that I sometimes find useful, although it can be hard to nerve myself up to it, is to identify a friendly extrovert (they’re usually pretty obvious when they’re holding court!) and then go sit/stand next to them. They’ll often do their extrovert thing and start talking to me too.

      Good luck and I hope you find something that works for you!

    3. MissCoco*

      Depending on the type of event, I bring a book or article to read during downtime or while waiting. It really helps relieve my social anxiety to give myself something to do. If it’s an appropriate setting, knitting or crochet or something else I can do with my hands is another thing.

      I also like to try to do a couple light social interactions during the outing. Just a “good morning” or “oh, isn’t the weather nice” type of thing to a bus driver or barista or the ticket checker. I find one or two grains of human interaction are a helpful reminder that I am a person, and people can interact with me even if I’m not with a friend.

      But mostly I’ve found I just need to keep trying solo events and eventually it didn’t take so much work to not worry what other people were thinking of me.

      1. deuceofgears*

        Yes, a book can be a great conversation starter!

        Obviously this only works if you are a gamer, but I have found that bringing e.g. a D&D (Pathfinder, whatever) game manual/book is a GREAT way to smoke out fellow geeks. :3

    4. Sloanicota*

      I like to go to stuff by myself and I do it a lot, but to be fair a social gathering (like a work happy hour, a cocktail reception, etc) is a lot harder than, like, a movie, or dinner, where you can sit at a bar or bring a book. I’m not sure what kind of work even you were at but if the point is to socialize you may need to grit your teeth and anticipate making some small talk. My rule for handling this is to give myself permission to leave after 20-30 minutes if I’ve made a good-faith effort. Look for other people who are not engaged and try to make some topical small talk (“what brings you out tonight? or Have you tried the (food item) yet? or How do you know Dr So-and-So the host?”). See if you can engage around the fringes of a group and perhaps get invited further in. Make sure to move around the room a lot if you haven’t found a niche – don’t sit down and don’t get trapped in a corner. Perhaps you have to go to the bathroom to check your makeup, refresh your drink, check the view out the window, examine some exhibits, etc. Sometimes I just sort of do laps smiling at people briefly and seeing if I get reciprocity. Some events it might not gel even if you are perfect and lovely, so then you get to leave and go get ice cream.

      1. Sloanicota*

        Oh, and my most important tip: if you do get engaged in some interaction, for God’s sake invite those other people who are lurking around the fringes in. Ask them a question, change your stance to invite them into the circle, smile if someone makes eye contact and smiles at you. Be the change haha.

    5. kina lillet*

      Let’s see…find someone else who’s sitting alone, and chat with them; that’s always a really good start.

      The more practice and skill you acquire, the less anxiety this will cause, and the easier it’ll be—anxiety is exhausting!!! The trick is finding a way to practice that’s not going to feel bad—you’ve got to get your reps in.

      That can involve: permission to arrive late and leave early; anxiety reducing substances, including your own prescribed meds and beyond; reading etiquette books or watching etiquette youtube videos; deciding on a few conversation starters and leaving when they’re used up; finding some helpful role that gives you a job…

      A lot can help (take it from me, someone who was/is anxious around parties and improving!!!), it just helps to believe that this is a skill you CAN actually acquire and that it will help enormously as you make incremental progress.

      1. allathian*

        Yes, this. There’s an annual event I went to for about 10 years before the pandemic. The first few times were awkward, but the first few times I made a point of trying to find others who were alone. After that, I kept running into old professional acquaintances, and after exchanging pleasantries with them, I tried to talk to at least one new person every day. I’m already looking forward to doing it again this fall.

  60. On Fire*

    How often and by how much does your mortgage payment change?

    Our old mortgage company raised our payment every year because of escrow shortages. We refinanced, and our new lender has already raised our payment. But the escrow shortage is $550+/-, and the amount they’re raising our payment will increase our annual payment by $1,700. Where’s the extra $1,100 going? And why the shortage? Our property taxes decreased by enough to more than offset a small insurance increase. I don’t understand how the math works. Can anyone help?

    Thanks!

    1. Reba*

      I don’t know if this matches your situation, but in my case we are supposed to have a required minimum balance which is 2 months of escrow payments. So, depending on due dates for taxes and insurance, there could be a “shortage” meaning dipping below that minimum at any point. IOW the amount they want to see in the account may not be congruent with the amount going out to tax and insurance.

    2. fhqwhgads*

      In my experience they give you the option of a one time payment to address the entire shortage amount OR changing your monthly payment to address it. I’ve always done the former, so my monthly payment never changed. I think the escrow shortage thing has happened maybe once every 2 or 3 years.

      2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I’ve gotten the option from some lenders, and then with others when I called them and asked if I could pay the difference in a lump sum instead they were baffled. (The answer was basically yes I COULD make a lump sum payment to escrow to make up the difference, but it wouldn’t change the monthly payment any because that change was already official, so why would I want to do that?)

    3. Double A*

      My mortgage payment has jumped around by hundreds of dollars because every time my mortgage gets sold (which happens fairly frequently) the escrow CANNOT set up my insurance payments correctly no matter how many times I cannot to make sure it’s squared away. I have two policies because of wildfire and the FAIR plan in CA is administratively terrible on top of banks seemingly baffled by two policies. It’s to the point where the next time I have some time to spend the day on the phone dealing with the administration of life, I am going to close my escrow account and set aside the money and pay taxes and insurance myself. I am perfectly capable of putting money in a high interest savings account throughout the year and paying those bills myself, so I don’t understand the point of escrow if they’re repeatedly failing to handle these things for me.

      The mortgage part of my payment stays the same. it dropped some when I refinanced in 2021 and has been consistent since, as you would expect. And prop 13 in CA which freezes property taxes is bad for a lot of reasons, but I have to say having a pretty consistent tax payment year to year is a relief.

      1. Double A*

        Last month my mortgage payment jumped $450 because of how bad they messed up dealing with my insurance (and they STILL) don’t have the right amount for my insurance premium. I’m done.

    4. KatEnigma*

      Constantly?

      In both directions. They raise it, then escrow is overfunded so they lower it, then escrow is underfunded. Rinse. Repeat. This is our 3rd house, we’ve been in it just over a year, and the April payment just jumped $400. It happened the same way with both our other houses.

    5. Rick Tq*

      Property tax and insurance premiums can change over time which could explain the shortage, but they should be able to recalculate your escrow payment the month after the tax or insurance bills are sent out.

      If you have enough equity I’d cancel the escrow portion entirely and take over paying your insurance and property taxes. In my case we have enough policies with one insurer we pay monthly for auto, home, umbrella liability, and personal property insurance. When I get the property tax bill I schedule the tax payments with my bank and load them into Quicken so I can be sure the checking account can cover the tax payment.

      My ARM mortgage payment will change when our lock period expires but I expect to be out of this house by then.

    6. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Once a year generally, but the timing of property tax and insurance policy changes are pretty close together for me, so they generally get lumped together.

    7. Indolent Libertine*

      Never, because we have always paid our insurance and property taxes ourselves. We’re currently in the third home we’ve owned, and have never had a lender insist that it had to be any other way; there’s just a box on one of the bazillion forms you sign where they ask if you want to have an escrow account from which they pay your taxes and insurance, and we just always say no. I think you should call the lender and see if you can switch to self-pay.

  61. matcha123*

    I have the unfortunate and uncanny ability to make commentary on my social media right when another friend makes a post on a similar subject, and thus results in it looking like I’m passive-aggressively attacking their lifestyle.
    Examples include: Waiting until no one is announcing marriage or babies to make a post about why I’m happy not to have kids or not to have married certain people…only to have a friend make a post on the same day about their wedding engagement/pregnancy/etc.

    or, a thought about how people seem less connected (based on articles that I read and post) and how that seems to lead to people seeking connections in less than ideal circumstances…only to have a friend make a post about getting blackout drunk with strangers.

    or a post on how annoying it is that people aren’t masking in crowded places…only to have a friend post photos in a crowded room with no one wearing a mask.

    And so on.

    Do I reach out to those people and say, “I wasn’t thinking about you, and the timing was random,” or do I say nothing? I definitely do not sit on social media waiting for someone to do something so I can make a response post to it. All my posts are limited to friends only, not “public” in the sense that anyone can see them. So while I don’t want them to think I’m sitting there thinking of them, I also want to be able to share my own thoughts without worrying that my “Nice to be able to sleep until noon” isn’t taken as an attack on a friend with kids who has to wake up early.

    1. JustForThis*

      Just a thought: Do you think it could help to focus on your own (positive) experiences in your posts? Two of the examples you’ve given seem to mostly address other people’s behaviour (not masking, seeking connections), and those kinds of posts have a higher risk of coming across as being posted *at* someone specific even though they aren’t at all.

      1. matcha123*

        I think I generally aim to lessen any posts that could be taken negatively or as an attack on someone and mostly try to post funny memes, pictures around my city, and so on. And when I do post, say a mask comment, I try to make sure the general news is slow, people haven’t posted heated things, and I myself and calm when making my post. So, let’s say once every two or three months in a one-off post, and not multiple angry posts.

        …And right when I hit the button I’ll see that two or three people have made some post about how masks are dumb or how they got in a fight with someone about masks.

    2. Still*

      If somebody sees the post and thinks it’s aimed at them, surely they would just check the timestamp?

    3. Still*

      Also… you might not have written those posts specifically as a response to what your friends ended up posting, but in a way, these are your actual thoughts that sometimes apply to your friends’ actions. You probably are annoyed at your friend not masking, and you do think that getting drunk with strangers is not ideal.

      So your comments might not be meant as a passive-aggressive response to those specific posts but the sentiment still stands and I feel like you have to own it. When you post stuff like that, you express your opinion about a group of people, and some of your friends belong to that group, whatever or not they happen to post on the topic on that exact day. You weren’t thinking about them specifically but you still think those things and they still apply to your friends, and they have the right to feel whatever way they want about it.

      Now, “nice to be able to sleep in” and “I’m glad I didn’t marry that person” are different, those express happiness with your choices, not judgement about somebody else’s. I feel like you shouldn’t need to worry about these unless your friends really like to read into things.

      1. matcha123*

        I totally get that if I put something out there, it is open to interpretation and it won’t always be interpreted positively. Personally, I’d hope that how I am with my friends would speak more to them than a post. But as you do say, some of them read into things and react.

    4. Emma*

      Maybe stop posting on a social media platform, where your friends are, so much, at least not about your views?

      I gave up Facebook a few years ago. I miss, a little bit, keeping up with friends. But I don’t miss this feeling like I needed to constantly update people on my views, and then having people respond either a mix of positively or negatively. The people I care about in person I can still talk with about this stuff. But I don’t need to update my preschool era friend on my current views.

      I scratch the sharing itch by being on reddit. I can still share, but it’s less personal and pointed. I don’t know any of these people, even tangentially.

    5. RagingADHD*

      I agree with the above. The common thread sounds like they are very critical in general, bordering on disparaging. Even the one about being happy not to have children sounds less about your happiness and more about comparing your life choices to others.

      I think if you are worried about how your posts make you look, it would be good to examine that more comprehensively, rather than focusing on the instances where the timing highlighted the tone.

    6. Glomarization, Esq.*

      I wouldn’t reach out to them. You don’t even know if they saw your post, because the algorithm may not have shown it to them. I know I have a number of friends on Facebook, for example, that I’m supposed to be Following, but FB won’t often show me their activity unless I go directly to their profile page.

      As well on Facebook, you can retroactively change the privacy settings on a post, to exclude specific individuals from seeing the post. Or you could just delete anything that you have second thoughts about.

    7. Ellis Bell*

      I definitely would not get in touch to say you didn’t mean to comment on them. That’s the crimson flag of unsolicited reassurance right there. They may not even consider getting drunk with strangers to be less than ideal until you tell them that you think it is! There’s three things to consider here: the first is that a second hand cap is bound to fit someone if you pass it around enough people: if you’re making commentary about life choices, people are going to recognise themselves as either doing the thing, or not doing the thing. So, know that going in. Posting about being child free online to all the friends is different to saying it verbally to two or three childfree friends. So, it’s always kind of public in a way. Not only because you have more control of who you’re speaking to verbally, but if childfree person 1 says “actually I’m pregnant” you can change tack to excitement instantly. Whereas what is written is forever! The second thing is that reasonable people understand that others make different life choices to them, and they expect other people to enjoy the life they’ve chosen: so I think you’re fine to publicly acknowledge an enjoyment of lie ins! I think it’s a bit different to say something which translates as “I’m glad I don’t have the lifestyle X per cent of you have” than it is to say you’re excited to go on a last minute trip or sleep late, or to do things parents can’t do. As in, posting positives about what you actually do rather than negatives on the road not travelled. If you do that, you won’t have to wait for radio silence on the marriage and babies front (which never happens anyway). The third thing is, are you okay with being read as actually being critical sometimes? If you feel strongly, you might be. It sounds like you made the post about masks and making “less than ideal” choices with the assumption that your friends would never do such things: but people are gonna people. If you say that you disapprove of X, people are almost certainly going to do x, or have already done X, and will know forever afterwards that you disapprove of x. My own rule is that I only post disapproval of complete deal breakers, like racism or creeping where I want people to know where I stand, especially if they go ahead and do it.

      1. Sloanicota*

        Agree with all this. I would not reach out directly to those people, but I kind of get the sense that OP’s use of social media isn’t really working for OP right now. People use anonymous public twitter accounts to engage in controversial discussions like being childfree without seeming to be posting AT their friends, but a private FB post that share opinions you then worry are hurting your friend’s feelings – not sure what the upside is for you. If you don’t like being controversial then maybe it’s better not to make so many opinion takes; maybe just post about what you’re enjoying right now (your nice handmade breakfast in your quiet house), don’t make it about other people’s choices or big-picture stuff (being childfree).

    8. just another queer reader*

      I have a separate social media for rants and shitposts, where very few irl friends follow me.

    9. I'm A Little Teapot*

      I think my question is more why do you feel the need to make these posts at all? Maybe you need to rethink your social media engagement more broadly. Also, really think about if you are being superior and judgemental of other’s (perfectly valid) choices. Just because it’s not what you choose to do doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with doing something different. It’s natural to judge others, but that doesn’t make it helpful.

      And at this point, right or wrong, we all need to accept that collectively, the world has stopped masking. We don’t have to like it. We don’t have to agree with it. We can wear a mask if we wish. Yes, it sucks for those who are vulnerable and there isn’t a good solution for them. That doesn’t change the reality that I was at a convention with 20,000 people yesterday and maybe 1% were wearing masks.

    10. Courageous cat*

      If you’re going to make posts like these then you need to be ok with the fact that some people are going to see themselves in it. That literally comes with the territory for critical commentary

  62. Falling Diphthong*

    Different media and suspension of disbelief:

    Lately I’ve noticed that reading books, I can be very dubious of the set-up, specifically how the author solves problems with the rules they’re making–how the space colony was designed, or the system of magic operates. At the same time I’ll be sharply aware that if this were in a movie or TV show, I would just roll with it and the lack of logic in solving this problem would just be “hey, that’s the world of the story.”

    First noticed this reading The Black Veins, about teenagers coming into their magical powers–I was bothered by logic gaps tied to the system of magic and magical governance, while thinking the story would make a great compelling TV series, especially animated, and the gaps wouldn’t bug me at all there. Very aware of it again this week reading The Mimicking of Known Successes, about colonies on Jupiter–if you had the same setting of swirling fog on train platforms in a Love, Death, and Robots short I can see being really engaged by the imagery and shrugging off the logic of the colony.

    I think this applies to background structural elements of the story–the backstory that went into creating the setting. If the characters are doing nonsensical things currently that is always annoying.

    Anyone else experience stories very differently in different media?

    1. UKDancer*

      Sometimes. I know what you mean about suspension of disbelief. I was reading a fantasy book a few weeks ago and gave up because I couldn’t work out how the financial and economic system in operation could result in a functioning society. It just didn’t make sense to me.

      I have it less with TV series although it has sometimes occurred, although it’s more when specific things are done incorrectly. For example as someone who studied law, I get thrown out of things when parliamentary, court and legal processes on television are really wildly wrong. It completely spoils the series.

      I get thrown out of both book and tv series when people are doing wildly anachronistic things. Most Romans were ok with owning slaves so I hate books where you get improbably abolitionist sentiments from Roman senators. I also get thrown out by premature and inappropriate feminism in historical novels and TV series. Women’s equal rights have varied over time (a lot of medieval women owned businesses, had apprentices and worked, civil war women preached the gospel and presented petitions). The past isn’t homogenous. But it really throws me out when someone in a previous time period expresses modern feminist / pro equality views in a way that seems really inconsistent with what they would most likely have thought. The latest wince inducingly bad version of Persuasion encapsulates all these faults in my view.

      1. UKDancer*

        Also incorrect fashion throws me out. I have abandoned so many things for incorrect clothing for the period. Anything where there’s a corset scene involving someone holding onto a bedpost and being involuntarily tight laced throws me out. As does someone (who would have worn corsets all her life) complaining about them as crushing her ability to do stuff. Scarlett O’Hara in the film has a lot to answer for. It’s not clear enough that she was an exception who wanted to tight lace (the equivalent of someone wanting a lot of cosmetic surgery I’ve always thought) and most women didn’t do that.

        Women (even those like Mary Wollstonecraft who wanted more rights or the suffragettes later) did not go around objecting to corsets, they had other battles to fight. Tight lacing was incredibly rare and that type of corset had a pretty limited time period (stays and older corsets couldn’t be tight laced). Also women (of all classes) wore some form of stay / corset garment and it didn’t stop them doing an awful lot of things (including domestic labour, climbing mountains, ice skating, riding horses etc).

        1. Sloanicota*

          Hm, would you really put down a book or stop watching a show if you felt the references to corsetry were anachronistic? If the point was that it’s a romance or an escapist fantasy, I might roll my eyes a bit at something that was obviously wrong but I wouldn’t let it ruin my enjoyment overall. I guess if it’s a historical non fiction piece specifically about the events of that time period it would call the rest of the research into question, but that’s usually not what I’m watching.

          1. UKDancer*

            I think it depends whether I was enjoying the rest of it or not and how well or badly written it was. If the rest of the book or film was good I’d probably continue to watch. If I wasn’t enjoying it or felt the author had no understanding of the period and the type of people in it then I would probably stop. It would also depend what it was. If it was a 99p kindle download I’d be more likely to abandon it than if I were in the cinema with my friends or was halfway through a series I liked. But I have abandoned things because inaccuracies have annoyed me.

        2. Dark Macadamia*

          Have you seen the Laurence Olivier Pride and Prejudice that borrowed Gone with the Wind costumes and massively changed the story? It sounds right up your alley (for making your head explode) lmao

          1. UKDancer*

            Yes. The inaccuracies are hilarious. I must say Olivier is rather nice looking and the piece as a whole is quite amusing. Despite the appalling costuming and diversion from the story I’d take that over the version with the zombies any day. I mean it broadly hangs together and tells an amusing story.

      2. Falling Diphthong*

        Apparently locksmiths get a special form of torture when the show says “I found the key…” (shows key) “…to the lock!” (shows lock) and they usually don’t match at all.

    2. Sloanicota*

      It varies, I think. With world building, in a visual medium, because you can *see* it going on in the background, it’s a bit easier to buy in to the technology or the setting or whatever. But there are other things, like procedures, that are just as notable when wrong. And I think visual stories get dated much faster because the “future” character has visibly 80s hair or the medieval maiden is clearly reflecting the clothing and makeup tastes of the 70s, where as books can be more timeless. As a writer myself, there’s an art to letting the reader fill in the information (world building, magic systems, politics, whatever) themselves with their own imagination when stuff is beyond your story – but you have to give them enough consistency that they’re confident they get it, and contradictions will throw them off.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        I think consistency of the rules is a big part of it.

        I admired the editing of Guardians of the Galaxy because the opening had Quill bopping along, using his rocket boots to jump over a ditch, mask folding back in half a second when he got inside. So later, when he escaped by snapping the mask shut and launching with the boots, you knew both of those things were possible in this world. So it lands as “Ha!” rather than “Wait, he has rocket boots?”

    3. kina lillet*

      I think it’s partly a matter of genre. TV shows and movies are pretty constrained—or, well, different from novels— in the amount and type of information that they can convey. So your expectations may be different there.

      I think it’s similar to other genres; a considerate genre reader adjusts to the new genre. It’s not fair to a YA book about factions in a surveillance state to ask its world to make “sense” geopolitically; it makes perfect sense to an American high schooler with parents that surveil them.

      So I think it’s probably the case that you’re sort of applying broad “genre” conventions of TV to “genre” conventions of novels, like there are cues in TV shows that let you suspend your disbelief and there are different ones in the novels you’re reading, that either don’t work for you or that you’d need more time in the genre to apply.

    4. Person from the Resume*

      I literally just finished the The Mimicking of Known Successes. I wasn’t as bothered by the atmospheric gases swirling for atmosphere, but did they ever explain why there appears to be no radio, landline telephone, mobile phone communications. There’s porters delivering messages and telegraph and that’s it.

      Overall I really enjoyed the novella, though.

      1. Person from the Resume*

        Ah ha! I’ve been driving a lot this weekend and ended up listening to the audiobook. Now I’m skimming the hard cover and ran across the paragraphs that explain why wireless communications don’t work. Except I don’t buy that all these humans are not dying on Jupiter and there’s no wireless communications and even the telegraph is dodgy but those trains criss crossing the planet are safe.

      2. Falling Diphthong*

        There’s no wireless because the atmosphere is too thick for electromagnetic signals to transmit very far. (I don’t know if this is literally true, but could roll with it.) They have telegraph–probably strung along those train lines, as in the old west.

        With that they should logically have landlines to communicate within a platform. You can push a button to order scones–the same technology should let you send a message other than “I need more scones.”

        I feel like the story grew out of an image like that on the front of the book: Two detectives bundled up against the swirling fog a la Holmes and Watson in London, or Sam Spade in San Francisco–but the swirling fog is on Jupiter! And the story grew out of that image, without considering that there’s an excellent reason most sci fi puts the colonies on the moons. (One of many reasons: If you weigh 150 on Earth, you weigh 375 on Jupiter. You’re gonna notice that. Humans and animals both. I kept waiting for the artificial gravity tech to be mentioned, but no.)

        Messages are hand delivered by porter because that’s how it was for Holmes.

    5. Llama Llama*

      I can roll with bigger crazy things but smaller ones are what bother me. Like in the new Ghostbusters movie, I am perfectly fine with apocalypse ghosts. I am not okay with the kids not knowing about the existence of ghosts.

  63. AvonLady Barksdale*

    Wedding etiquette question… I’m usually pretty good at these things but this situation is new to me.

    My partner’s father is getting married next weekend and we are traveling to attend (it’s about a four-hour drive). My partner and I are Jewish and his family is not. Next weekend is Passover and we’re pretty strict about keeping Kosher for Passover, so we’ll be traveling with our own food and disposable dishes and such. My partner mentioned this to his father when we got the date, and we were told that the caterer cannot provide anything we can eat. Because of this, my partner wants to leave right after the ceremony and not stay for any of the reception.

    I’m a little uneasy about that, mostly because we will be two of only a handful of guests and it will be really noticeable if we say, “OK, great, congrats, peace out,” as soon as the minister finishes. But on the other hand, I don’t want to sit there while everyone else eats cake and drinks champagne while we twiddle our thumbs or eat off of paper plates. Either way we’ll stand out and call attention to ourselves. We already have a strained relationship with the couple and I’m sure they’ll be upset with us either way, so I guess ultimately it doesn’t matter, but I’m just trying to get through this without too much drama. Are we ok leaving right after the vows? Should we suck it up and stay an hour? The whole time? I’m honestly conflicted. My partner is adamant about leaving right away but he also gets very black-and-white about these things and he’s a bit guided by his irritation with the whole thing. (We also discussed not going at all, but he felt like that would be the nuclear option.)

    1. Sloanicota*

      Hmm, I agree that it wasn’t super thoughtful of the couple to plan the ceremony for Passover, but I suppose what’s done is done (and some people just don’t think about why that date is cheaper when they’re booking, and by the time they realize it’s too late – which is honestly kind of on the venue to have warned them – maybe telling yourself this is what happened will give you some peace to get through this). I would not bring my own food and eat it at someone else’s ceremony; I would plan to eat before or after and I would plan to stay about an hour after the ceremony to catch up. Leaving as soon as the words are done seems a bit off. An hour is a short time but acceptable.

    2. Bluebell*

      Wow, that’s quite the situation! Has your partner directly asked his father whether he had a preference about you two not attending the reception versus not coming at all? I’m very strict about KfP, and have not eaten at a number of work events in my life because of Passover, but a wedding is tricky. I’d try to stay for 10 mins or however long it takes to wish the bride and groom well, but then take off. Driving 4 hours is also not nothing in terms of traveling. But I can totally understand your partner being upset about the timing and the lack of KfP options, and deciding to leave post ceremony (Honestly, if they could just buy a bottle of decent kosher wine, that wouldn’t be that hard.) plus, am I allowed to be a bit puzzled why people might decide to get married on Easter weekend? Kind of a big time for Christians as well.

      1. Sloanicota*

        Hmm, do we think it would be a problem for OP to bring a bottle of kosher wine for themselves? Grr I worry the caterer would be annoyed or would refuse to serve it or something, but that seems very reasonable given that you can’t have anything else there … I don’t know, maybe if you call ahead and request they have one in stock (and pay for it yourself, I guess) – then you can plan to stay long enough to finish at least a glass of that, maybe two, before bowing out, which seems perfectly reasonable.

        1. fposte*

          I was about to say the wine might not be legal, and then it occurred to me even BYO food might be an issue, depending on the venue. But I really like the idea of contacting the caterers and asking about options in general; it’ll help shape the decision one way or another.

          1. AvonLady Barksdale*

            No venue– it’s in their home. (And to address the Easter thing… yeah, I was confused about that too, but apparently they “didn’t realize” when they picked the date.) We’ll have wine with us (I considered not bringing it at all but I think we will want it when we get to our hotel the night before), and I have zero problem rolling up with my own bottle and a disposable cup.

            I also would feel REALLY strange bringing my own food to a catered anything, or even to someone’s home unless we were really close. I grew up in a family where everyone was accommodated to the best of our abilities– even if we ultimately got it wrong, we always tried. I have a distant cousin who was diagnosed with celiac disease in the 60s and she always had a plate at family events.

            1. Bluebell*

              I’d definitely be tempted to bring a bottle of bubbly or wine and treat myself to two new flutes or glasses. Do you have an idea what the rest of the crowd will be like? Are they even familiar with Passover? Or is this a Jews are exotic and strange crowd? I feel like reactions could range from” this is so nice, you’re making an effort to attend” all the way to “wow, that’s crazy you won’t make an exception for this special occasion “ I think either way, you have to let your partner make the final call, given that he has the longer emotional history with his father, and there may be lots and lots of history there. But it’s great that you’re trying to support him during this problematic event.
              And thank you to the other commenters for educating me about weddings during Easter! Jews often get married on Lag B’Omer, because it’s the one day during the post Passover morning. That weddings are encouraged.

              1. Bluebell*

                That should be “Post-Passover mourning period”- it’s between Passover and Shavuot.

              2. AvonLady Barksdale*

                My cousin got married on Lag B’Omer last year. That was an interesting one for sure– Thursday night, bbq, lots of klezmer music. The wedding was Orthodox but most of the guests were not (she grew up Reform and he grew up Conservative) and I did a lot of explaining (which I didn’t mind, it was certainly an experience!). As a side note, later that weekend we attended a Christian wedding on a farm in Missouri where the groom wore cowboy boots and they served (excellent) fried chicken. We know a lot of different types of people. :)

                I’m expecting more of the, “You can make an exception” comments. I hate those. I am so accustomed to smiling and saying, “Oh no, thank you, it’s Passover, we adhere to a special diet this week,” and I’m usually met with, “Oh, ok” or some kind and curious questions, but usually people just accept what I say. But I am bracing myself for, “But it’s your father’s wedding, can’t you have a piece of cake?” Maybe I’m not giving people enough credit, and I hope I’m not, but given the strained relationship, I can’t be sure.

                1. Bluebell*

                  I totally get that, and I can totally see it escalating to, “if you really loved your father, you would eat a piece of cake.” One other thing for you and your partner to consider is how much you think you might have to interact with the brides family in the future. If it’s worth making an effort that will pay off at family gatherings in years to come, your partner may want to stretch himself a bit more. But I agree with other commenters, who are saying you should just say how the ceremony was just so lovely, the bride was beautiful , you’re very sorry but you have to get on the road.

                2. Clisby*

                  I don’t know – I’ve been to a ton of family weddings, and I don’t remember anyone paying any attention to whether I had cake. I don’t really like sweet food, so a lot of the time I wouldn’t eat wedding cake. Really, I don’t remember people paying attention to what I ate at all, but my family doesn’t go in for sit-down-dinner wedding receptions, so people aren’t that likely to draw any conclusions from what others have in their hands or are eating at a given moment.

                3. KatEnigma*

                  It’s very traditional to take home a piece of wedding cake, rather than eat it at the ceremony. Putting it under your pillow used to give you sweet dreams or something silly like that was why. But cake freezes super well, so could easily be stuck into a freezer until after Passover. Tell anyone who asks that you’ll eat it then, and think of the happy couple and wish them well?

                  Non religious people (and even some who are religious) are never going to be able to keep track of the fact that Passover/Easter moves. I’m sure most of the few guests are complaining about the inconvenience of the date, even though they won’t have the food restrictions that you do.

                  I’m team go and stay maybe half an hour unless the timing is such that you’ll be ready to faint from hunger.

                4. NL*

                  To that last suggestion, you can’t bring non-kosher food into your house during Passover so they couldn’t bring a slice of cake home.

      2. Ellis Bell*

        As for your last paragraph, it can be kind of traditional to get married at Easter; Catholics don’t much do this any more but back in the day, it was not done to get married during the fasting period of Lent, you had to wait for Easter Sunday before weddings happened again. Source: everyone knew my Anglican grandmother was pregnant because she married into the Catholic religion during Lent. She had no idea all the Catholics were on to her.

        1. tab*

          That’s right! My parents wanted to get married while my dad was on leave during the Korean war. Unfortunately, that was during Lent, and the priest wouldn’t marry them. He did ask my mother if she was “in trouble!” It made my mom cry, and my dad furious. They ended up getting married the following October after his enlistment was up. I didn’t get married in the Catholic church, so I don’t know if they still refuse to marry people during Lent…

          1. Clisby*

            Lent is off limits for weddings at the Catholic cathedral here (Charleston, SC). I kind of think other parish churches would follow that lead, but not sure.

        2. Old and Don’t Care*

          While it is certainly true that Catholics are discouraged from getting married during Lent, getting married on Easter Sunday has never been traditional. It would be discouraged for practical as well as liturgical reasons.

        3. KatEnigma*

          The Anglican Priests won’t marry you during Lent either, unless it’s an “emergency”

          And would be wayyyy too busy to consider marrying you after Sundown on Saturday or anytime on Easter Sunday.

      3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Maybe they’re not Christian? The only reason I know next weekend is Easter is because other folks I know are complaining about things being scheduled on Easter weekend.

    3. fposte*

      I think all the options here are unpleasant. If your partner didn’t care I’d say stay. But your partner really doesn’t want to, and frankly, for a wedding during Passover that refuses to accommodate the Jewish *son of the groom*, I can definitely see his point.

      Who are the rest of the attendees? Is there a reason to care deeply what they think? If you’re eating off of paper plates because the food isn’t kosher, will they be likelier to think “Who do they think they are?” or “What on earth was the couple thinking?” I mean, you may be doing the couple a favor by not exposing their poor hospitality to the rest of their guests.

      Is it possible also to leave the decision to the day? I’m presuming with an eight-hour round trip you’re hauling the food either way. Admittedly I’m a person who would always bail and head for home if given the option, but maybe Dad has potential to be irrevocably horrible or unexpectedly loving in a way that makes the decision clearer. But overall the ceremony is supposed to be the important part; if you can quietly depart before the meal with a quick “You look beautiful, glad we were able to be here, so sorry we can’t stay” rather than getting into an argument with Dad on his wedding day, I don’t think bailing is that terrible.

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        There are only a few attendees– less than a dozen, I believe, mostly immediate family. We haven’t met anyone from her side. To be honest, I am preparing myself for a lot of unpleasant comments directed towards us (wouldn’t be the first time).

        I probably shouldn’t care. I don’t especially care what they think of me, but I care how they treat my partner, and I want to save us both as much stress as I can. If they had picked any other weekend, this wouldn’t be an issue, but too late for that!

        1. fposte*

          If they’re likely to be unpleasant, all the more reason to bolt early. You can’t make them treat your partner well, so the best you can do is have your partner’s back in making the choice about how to manage the distance.

    4. Ellis Bell*

      I honestly think it’s completely amazing of you both to go at all when you’re not going to be hosted or made welcome in any way! The food might be difficult to accommodate if that’s not already the plan…but they chose a caterer who couldn’t feed one of the groom’s adult children?! That’s not cool and you’re not the ones breaking etiquette here. As for your question, I don’t think it’s going to change straight from vows to party in the way you describe here. There’s always some milling around outside and photographs. There should be a great opportunity to just duck out whenever you want. Ask where the gifts need to go, and back away smiling. Something to consider doing is contacting the couple for the itinerary: for all you know there’s some non food activities you can stay for. I’ve been to lots of weddings where there’s some interim entertainment during photos, or people get to just walk around and enjoy the venue. But I think the priority is to support your partner here. They have been effectively excluded from their parent’s wedding and I think it’s fine for them to be guided by irritation and to be black and white about it. I’m sure this is very hurtful to them and I would tell them that while I’m going to feel uncomfortable stalking out down the aisle as soon as the couple kiss (or whatever you’re most concerned about doing), that ultimately I get why they are hurt and “let’s do whatever you need to do” when the ceremony is over

      1. Texan In Exile*

        “a caterer who couldn’t feed one of the groom’s adult children”

        Like – the caterer (or THE FATHER) couldn’t even order a couple of meals from a KFP caterer?

    5. Falling Diphthong*

      I think the most relevant pieces are:
      • Your partner really doesn’t want to stay.
      • The bride and groom, on learning of the religious conflict, didn’t respond by trying to figure out how to make this work better. (I can see not moving the date–but for a small gathering, you should be figuring out how to accommodate the people who cannot eat anything you’re serving.)

      If Dad was bending over backward trying to figure out how to accommodate, I can see counseling your partner to stay longer. If the hosts are instead arguing “Your religion/ethics/allergies need to bend to my special day, which is not about you” I would normally advise skipping the whole thing, and if that feels too nuclear then put in some version of the token appearance.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        To be clear, I think the date is a problem. If you’re having a small wedding it would make sense to be aware of any major conflicts with your small guest list (like Yom Kippur, or their child’s graduation, or their other relative’s wedding) if you actually want them there. And for an event at home the “already booked the hall with nonrefundable deposit” isn’t in play.

        For reasonable people I could see “Gosh I didn’t realize with the date; what parts of this event are clashing with the rules of Passover and are there solutions?” Especially, again, for a small gathering. But they’re going with “this is what we’re doing; the door is over there” and it’s okay to waft out that door.

        I, an internet stranger, give you and partner my full blessing to weigh “far away event where everyone will be mad at us and make nasty comments and we can’t eat” vs “stay home and eat some pastrami kugel” and choose the latter.

    6. fueled by coffee*

      Ugh, that this is happening during Passover makes it so much more frustrating.

      Tbh, I’d eat before the ceremony and then use the four-hour-drive as your excuse to depart early from the reception – “We’re so happy we were able to make it to the ceremony, but we need to head out since we have a long drive ahead of us, congratulations to everyone can’t wait to see you at the next family gathering which will probably be a cookout on Yom Kippur bye!”

      If this was *your* parent and you felt the need to stay for etiquette reasons, I’d see about solutions for food for you during the reception, but since it’s your partner’s side of the family, I do think you need to defer to his opinion about how to handle this. But his father already knows about the Passover situation and has decided he doesn’t care, and I don’t think there’s a need to escalate that to the rest of the attendees.

      1. ronda*

        for me it might depend on how the meal is done. if it is sit down where they will want to put a plate of food in front of you, no. but if it is more like my family parties, all food on the counter, help yourself….. some people are eating and some are not, maybe yes. if anyone asks why you are not eating… not hungry or the food is not allowed on my diet or religious reasons or ?????

        I think the excuse of the long drive, something you need to get back home for might feel better than bringing up the real reasons you are not sticking around longer.

    7. Dark Macadamia*

      Your partner wants to leave right away. The couple will be upset either way. You’re anticipating comments from other guests. This sounds unpleasant all around and I think you should defer to your partner because it’s his family and his mess to manage.

      The fact that the caterer “can’t” provide a kosher meal and the couple didn’t even offer to make other arrangements when they already have such a small guest list/are hosting it in their home says a lot. They’re not even trying to pretend to care.

      2. fueled by coffee*

        To be fair, the caterer likely really can’t provide Kosher for Passover food – for people who are really strict about it, it’s a “no cooking on shared equipment” and “all ingredients need to be certified as KforP” situation, and as indicated by OP’s discussion about paper plates, you can’t just wash utensils that have been used for other food and then use them to prepare a KforP meal, even if all the ingredients are okay. It’s complicated! It doesn’t make a lot of logical sense! But because of all this, even if the caterer was trying their best to make it work, I’d still be hesitant that something might have gone wrong.

        But this is on the parent, first for choosing a date that made things difficult for their child and second for not offering an alternative (depending on where they’re located geographically, this might mean ordering a couple meals from a kosher restaurant, or offering to cover the cost of food that OP brings from home, or at least saying “we bought a tin of macaroons and asked the caterer to provide some whole fruit, please feel free to bring whatever else you might want with you, we’re so glad that you’re able to make it!”). That they haven’t is saying a lot (and comes across as resentment at the child for joining/taking seriously their partner’s culture).

        1. AvonLady Barksdale*

          I would be so happy with a can of macaroons and some fruit. Who knows, maybe they’ll surprise me and that stuff will be there. They do live in an area with limited KforP options but there’s definitely a Whole Foods.

          To be honest, I don’t think it’s resentment about the Jewish thing. There’s a history of failing to accommodate– my partner is vegetarian and has been since he was a teenager, and many members of his family forget or don’t care. I’ve done my share of additional cooking at his family gatherings (as to why my partner doesn’t make his own food… when he’s upset, he gets flustered and can’t even think of what to cook or prepare, while I’m good at improvising and can pivot much more easily).

          My family can be really difficult to deal with but my goodness, they would never let a guest go hungry. My late grandfather used to use our visits as an excuse to buy more fancy cheeses than he could ever eat, just so my partner had options.

    8. Not A Manager*

      I feel very strongly that you do, or do not. If you are going at all, then you need to make as little fuss as possible. Eat a large meal before you leave for the ceremony, if necessary stash some kosher l’pesach snacks in your purse, and hang out as unobtrusively as possible at the reception. If you can’t use the provided barwear, then bring some clear plastic tumblers for your drink of choice. I’d only bring wine or champagne if you will want some yourselves. I don’t think it will make you more or less conspicuous whether you toast with a tumbler of seltzer or pour your own special wine, so just do what will feel best for you.

      If all of that sits wrong for you and your partner, then just don’t go. That might be nuclear, but it’s less nuclear if it’s provided in a neutral manner (“that date conflicts with our religious observance, so sorry to miss the special day, hope to celebrate with you soon, we’ll bring the bubbly”). The worst solution, in my opinion, is to schlep to the ceremony, be angry the whole time, and conspicuously leave before the reception. I personally think that is more nuclear than politely declining the invitation.

      To be clear, I completely agree that your partner’s parents are behaving badly. The question is whether, in light of their thoughtlessness and lack of consideration, you still want to go at all. And if you do want to go, then go with a full spirit.

    9. eeeek*

      You’ve already gotten a lot of great advice…but really, the only requirement for wedding etiquette is to attend and wish the happy couple well. If they offer food you cannot eat, etiquette does not demand that you make yourself uncomfortable (physically or spiritually) – it only requires that you decline what is offered politely. Smile and be gracious for as long as you’re there – and politely depart after toasting (with sparkling water or wine you bring).

      Were I in your situation (and I’ve been in my family dynamic’s version of it), I would attend the wedding, smile and be effusive in my sincere warm wishes…and I would leave with all regret that we can’t stay because of the drive and the day. Repeating “I’m so sorry we can’t stay! We MUST be off,” while refusing well-meaning efforts of people to persuade us to stay has worked for me. I also practice declining food and drink urged upon me by others. I always keep in reserve my go-to pressure ender: “How kind of you to notice; perhaps you don’t know that I do not eat that for personal reasons. I do appreciate your concern, and I know that because you care and now understand, you will honor that decision.” (And I do not justify, apologize, defend, or explain – I just lather, rinse, repeat.)

      Good luck – and good for you for supporting your partner through what seems like a pretty awkward situation.

    10. Chaordic One*

      Oh dear! This is really disappointing on the part of your father-in-law and his bride. I can only imagine that they probably never even mentioned this to the caterer, but even if they did there is a good chance that their caterer doesn’t know how and/or may not be set up to prepare kosher food. (There are some parts of the country where there are no Kosher restaurants or caterers, but these tend to be in more rural areas.)

      I’m not good in dealing with such confrontations and, in your shoes, I’d probably cave, attend dinner and eat the non-kosher food. (Kind of in the spirit that it is more important to, um, celebrate the wedding and graciously receive the, um, hospitality offered by the wedding couple.) If you are adamant about not eating non-kosher food, then you could certainly either leave after the ceremony or leave after socializing without eating after an hour (or less). It is certainly unreasonable to to stay for the whole celebration without eating.

      I’m sure that whatever you and your DH do will be fine. You don’t have all that great of a relationship with them to start with and if they get angry, they get angry. Don’t let them make more out of the situation than is there. If it comes up afterwards (and it probably will) just say something along the lines of, “Well, we were happy to be there for your wedding.” and don’t talk about the dinner afterwards.

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        I realize that this is not the advice you’re giving, but… you would honestly “cave” and eat whatever they offered, no matter what? Outside of my own situation, I would re-think that– would you expect a vegetarian to eat meat or food made with meat because it was the only thing offered?

        1. MEH Squared*

          I’m gluten-free/dairy-free out of necessity. At my niece’s wedding, she had a mac-n-cheese food truck for the meal. She asked about dietary issues, but did not provide anything other than mac-n-cheese. I brought KIND bars with me because I always do. I ate my KIND bars quietly and celebrated my niece and her new husband. Then, I left an hour or two after the ceremony, went home, and ate a real meal.

          Honestly, I agree with the others who say that if your FIL is not thinking about his own son (and you), then you do what you need to do to take care of yourself and your husband. Personally, I would bring food/drinks I could consume and if anyone says anything, just matter-of-factly point out that this is what I can eat and drink.

          Fair warning: I don’t care much about etiquette when it comes to feeding myself. I need to eat and drink. I will do what I have to in order to ensure this happens.

    11. Mulligatawny*

      Can you find a local (to the reception) place that is kosher and pre-order your dinners? If the caterer can’t provide anything you can eat, they shouldn’t be upset that you are bringing what they view as “takeout”.
      If it’s just a cake and punch type reception, go for a while, make the rounds in the room to say hello to people (so everybody knows you showed up) and then leave.
      Frankly, if it’s a dinner, your partner’s father should be the one to arrange for a kosher meal to be brought in, and deal with the caterer (Dad to caterer: “my son and his partner require kosher, and since you can’t provide it we’re having it delivered.”) If you’re traveling four hours to get there it would be common courtesy for the hosts to feed you.
      And you’d think the caterer could at least provide a plate of fruit and some seltzer served in a disposable glass.

      Sadly the inclination of people who have any kind of event while completely disregarding the dietary needs of the guests is beyond rude.

      Sorry about your clueless father-in-law (or equivalent).

    12. Anono-me*

      Each time you comment the wedding hosts’ behavior gets worse and worse. I understand Hubby not wanting to stay for supper because honestly you weren’t really invited. Part of inviting someone to a meal is having food that they can eat. If you don’t want to do the work, don’t issue the invite.

      I say figure out what you think will cause the least harm to your husband overall. That is what I think you should very very
      gently encourage him to do. FIL and future SMIL have forfeited any concern for their feelings by ‘Team Hubby’ due the lack of basic consideration or etiquette.

      Two things I would suggest keeping in mind while thinking about this:
      Will this negatively impact hubby’s relationship with othe family member’s who aren’t jerks, especially minors?

      I (Someone who grew up in an area where the nearest synagogue was probably about 400 miles away) could put together something nice (not great, but nice) that most observant Jewish people could eat and pick up some nice brand new flatware and cutlery with a $50.00 Target run (Whole fruit, prepackaged kosher food, bottled juice). Why can’t/won’t FIL and F-SMIL?

      1. Sloanicota*

        I agree, first I was picturing a big reception in a fancy place with catering where the host maybe didn’t realize it was passover (I have plenty of friends who aren’t religious at all and simply wouldn’t think about it, especially as Easter and passover don’t keep one date every year). And I didn’t think OP could really bring their own food or leave immediately. But it’s small and it’s in their home, meaning they could easily accommodate others and are choosing not to? And people are likely to be unpleasant? I think I’m changing my answers.

    13. Indolent Libertine*

      This is so tough. Under other circumstances, I would have said that you might be able to order your own kosher l’Pesach meals from a local kosher caterer, to be delivered on disposable dishware and sealed in plastic wrap (we did this for a huge Bday party for my MIL when our daughter was in her strictest of the strict phase), but on the day after a 3-day Yom Tov that might be impossible. Is there a Chabad in their town? If there is someone there who could pull a kfP meal out of their hat, they will know who it is.

    14. Venus*

      I’m team Partner makes decision about Partner’s family. If partner wants to leave right away then I would support that.

    15. RagingADHD*

      This is a perfect example of when you need to invoke the Family of Origin Rule.

      His family of origin is being problematic. He is in charge of handling it. It is not your issue to manage.

      (If this were a situation where the FOO were treating you badly as an individual, and your partner didn’t have your back, that would be different.)

      From a manners perspective, it is fine to attend the ceremony only, as long as you RSVP accurately so they aren’t wasting money. Since they already said they don’t plan to feed you, that’s not really an issue.

      Your partner has decided how he wants to handle a situation with his own family, that threads the needle of meeting an obligation vs not sticking around to be treated badly. Let him take the lead on this and support his decision.

  64. Ellis Bell*

    I honestly think it’s amazing of you both to go at all when you’re not going to be hosted or made welcome in any way! Ive heard kosher food is difficult to accommodate if that’s not already the plan…but they chose a caterer who couldn’t feed one of the groom’s adult children?! That’s not cool and you’re not the ones breaking etiquette here. As for your question, I don’t think it’s going to change straight from vows to party in the way you describe here. There’s always some milling around outside and photographs. There should be a great opportunity to just duck out whenever you want. Ask where the gifts need to go, and back away smiling. Something to consider doing is contacting the couple for the itinerary: for all you know there’s some non food activities you can stay for. I’ve been to lots of weddings where there’s some interim entertainment during photos, or people get to just walk around and enjoy the venue. But I think the priority is to support your partner here. They have been effectively excluded from their parent’s wedding and I think it’s fine for them to be guided by irritation and to be black and white about it. I’m sure this is very hurtful to them and I would tell them that while I’m going to feel uncomfortable stalking out down the aisle as soon as the couple kiss (or whatever you’re most concerned about doing), that ultimately I get why they are hurt and “let’s do whatever you need to do” when the ceremony is over.

  65. baby speech*

    Any ideas for questions to ask in a language you can barely speak? I’m in a language learning class & we’re trying to practice this new language. We’re very much beginners, so no nuance. So far we’ve covered favorite cities, hobbies, books and movies. Any other questions that don’t require depth in language?

    3. Ginger Cat Lady*

      Tell me about a typical day in your life.
      Describe a place you’ve been to.

    4. BurntOrange*

      This may sound a little strange, but I’ve been doing ASL self study with Lifeprint. The lessons are based on questions, and they start of with really basic questions and get more complicated. He has a whole theory about his curriculum, and well, I think it is fantastic. How does this help you? He lists all his questions (and other videos) on his website for free. The grammar is ASL, and some of the questions are related to talking with a D/deaf person, but you should be able to get lot of ideas about questions to ask.

      https://www.lifeprint.com/asl101/lessons/lessons.htm and you are looking for the ASL 1 Practice Cards and ASL 2 Practice Cards links. If you click on the individual lessons, I believe each sentence has an English translation.

      Dr. Vicars has been a great ASL teacher for me and makes this all available online at no cost.

    5. Janne*

      – When is your birthday? (nice opportunity to practice names of months etc.) What do you like to do on your birthday?
      – Do you have any pets or favorite animals?
      – What is your house and neighborhood like?
      – What are your plans for the weekend?
      – What is your favorite food?
      – Why is it that you want to learn this new language?
      – Where would you like to go travel / on holiday?
      – Nice places to visit in your own city?
      – Favorite music?

    6. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

      “Where is the bathroom?” Very important.

      My dad says the only other phrase you TRULY need in another language is “Another beer please.”

      1. KatEnigma*

        That was the first phrase I was taught in high school French.

        Where’s the restroom, please, thanks you, Sorry, I don’t speak Language are the most useful phrases.

        After that, basic direction following, meal ordering, and numbers for figuring out prices.

    7. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      Ask about your family – brother/sisters, parents, kids, grandparents, pets, all good vocab for beginners.

  66. Flowers*

    What do you do when a retailer decides to keep your change? Do you let them keep it or say something?

    I was picking up dinner the other night and my total came to $79. I gave a $100 note and was expecting $21 back but they only gave me a 20. I asked about the dollar and they said oh the actual total was 79.92. so they kept the 8 cents.

    Like – on one hand I always put the change in the tip jar after a transaction if I pay cash.
    I hate the idea of squabbling over 8 cents.
    But OTOH I don’t like the idea of someone deciding to keep the change.
    (obv let’s exclude the regular customers that would have no issue with it, or if the cust already says its’ OK)

    What do you all think?

    1. L. Ron Jeremy*

      you never find them rounding the change to benifit the buyer, right? correct change is common sense.

      1. Enough*

        Actually I have a couple of local restaurants who will round down. But I am a long time (decades) customer.

    2. fposte*

      All change goes back to the buyer unless the buyer states otherwise or a policy is posted. And no prompting from the retailer of “Do you want your change?”

      I’d say this is US specific; it can be different in countries where change and prices don’t always match up (Canadians may have more insight on life without pennies, for instance). But in the US, change is yours unless you’re warned otherwise or have given permission.

      1. Ontariariario*

        It’s the same for Canadians. When paying cash we would expect change. The only difference is that we’d expect $20.10 instead of $20.08. I would be unhappy for similar reasons if not given exact change.

    3. Lifelong student*

      I always expect all my change back. I am not happy when someone asks if I want any change. If I choose to leave a tip- and I do 99.9% of the time- I want to decide how much it is. I also think it is cheap in some ways to leave loose change on the table as part of a tip. I see people get their change including bills and coins and leave all the coins and perhaps some of the bills. I also think service providers who purposely give change in smaller bills – like a 10 and 10 ones are being very passive aggressive. That annoys me.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        How is that passive-aggressive rather than trying to keep things convenient for you and themselves? If they give you back a $20 bill and you wanted to tip anything less than that, now you’re having to flag them down and ask them to break it, which is more time and effort on both sides, plus they don’t know if you’re the person who’s going to go all “THEY GAVE ME THIS LARGE BILL ON PURPOSE HOPING I WOULD JUST LEAVE THEM THE WHOLE THING RAWR” and get snotty about it and stiff them. Smaller bills are more useful in that situation for everyone.

        1. Ginger Cat Lady*

          Right? I’d rather have the flexibility of small bills, and I think it’s a kindness to do that.

      2. Unkempt Flatware*

        I think you should rethink your last point. This de facto custom became one for a very practical reason. I’m annoyed that servers rely on tips in general because I believe in a fair livable wage for all but I also live in America.

      3. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

        I was a waitress. Besides the “please tip me some of this back part”, I also liked getting rid of small bills and consolidating into large ones. It’s a lot nicer to have an apron full of 5x$20 than 20 $1s + 8 $5s + 4 $10s.

        (Dunno about all restaurants, but at mine we didn’t put money in a cash register or anything. We kept it till the end of the night and then the manager calculated how much of it was the restaurant’s money, we gave her that much and kept the rest.)

      4. Sloanicota*

        Huh, I was trained to always do that when I was a server, otherwise it may seem like you’re angling to either make them give you the whole five/ten dollar bill or ask you for ones.

      5. Ontariariario*

        In a restaurant where I’m tipping then I resolve this by being clear about how much I want back. If the meal was $30 then I would give $40 and ask for $4 in return.

    4. Courageous cat*

      It’s hard for me to find any mental energy to care about this. On no planet would I squabble over 8 cents. Like, I’d gladly PAY 8 cents to not have to wait for them to come back and deal with further back-and-forth.

    5. *daha**

      I have complained to management over this specific issue. It was at a Pizza Hut branch where we would eat-in. We received the same no-small-change-back treatment from multiple servers. I used the contact form on their website to state my displeasure.

      One contributing factor (still not enough for me to forgive and forget) is that some restaurants do not give staff access to the cash register, nor is there a cashier. They are expected to start the day with enough change of their own to change out any customers who pay cash. At the end of the night, they are told how much their total cash collected was according to the computer and required to turn in that money. If a customer stiffs them, it is the server who is stiffed, not the restaurant.

  67. Partner going low-contact with MIL*

    This is kind of late but I thought I might be able to get some perspective. My partner and I live in his country, all of my family are back in my country. His family live in different cities some hours away. Both his parents (divorced) and his siblings have always been very lovely and welcoming to me, hosted us for holidays and such.

    Last year, I found out that his relationship with his mother is kind of strained. Nothing dramatic has happened between them but basically the relationship for him consists mostly of emotional labour and he doesn’t really want to maintain it. He’s taking some space right now and has gone really low-contact, and I can see that even just mentioning MIL stresses him out.

    Now, on the one hand I want to be supportive, this is his family and his relationship to handle. On the other hand, I feel like a) going practically no-contact with a parent just because you don’t like them very much is a bit extreme and b) I’m a bit sad because, with my own family so far away, I appreciated being welcomed into his family and having a bit of a support system in this country.

    I suppose there isn’t much I can do about the situation, but I don’t know how to frame it in my head. Is he being a dick? Should I gently try to convince him to reconsider? Do children owe their parents a relationship, provided they haven’t done anything serious enough to warrant breaking it? Is it fine to just decide you don’t like your parent very much and therefore you’re not gonna stay in touch?

    1. Ellis Bell*

      I think it’s totally up to him. But, the thing that would most concern me is that it sounds like you only found out quite recently, after you formed your own relationships (your in laws are your family too, in a way; if you’re lucky!). It also sounds as if you’re still quite low on information and you’re struggling to understand the gravity of the situation. However, it does sound grave! If “even just mentioning MIL stresses him out” then you can’t expect him to just go along to get along and suck it up. It’s okay for you to state you want more openness about the situation if he wants your full understanding though. He’s told you it’s about emotional labour and you’ve translated this into “not liking her very much” which makes me think he’s not really describing the full extent. I think someone using you for emotional labour is very different to just not liking somebody, but even if it was just the latter – that’s concerning! Your parents are often your biggest safety net and supporters, who will defend you and who get you, if you don’t like them something is very amiss. Possibly the low contact is about resetting expectations and that could have a positive outcome for them both if she takes his complaints seriously. Which of course she should.

    2. Saddy Hour*

      Hmm. Personally, I think what counts as “serious enough” to be done with any relationship varies wildly, and doesn’t need to make sense to other people (and very often doesn’t). It’s hard to draw a line there.

      As an example, my brother is no-contact with my mom and has been for years, following years of being very-low-contact with her. My mom hasn’t done anything egregiously wrong. In fact, she and I have an excellent relationship and I can sympathize with her heartbreak over effectively losing my brother. She is extremely warm and supportive to my partner, my close friends, folks in her neighborhood… I know people who give my brother a serious side-eye for not talking to her.

      But. My mom was also angry, emotional, and needy when we were growing up, and my brother got the worst of it. She simultaneously expected too much from him and gave him too little credit or freedom to grow. When he told her about his engagement, she didn’t freak out or cause a scene; she just quietly, scornfully expressed her distaste. She has openly hated his wife since they were both in high school. When he came home to mourn my dad’s passing, she complained about his 1-year-old daughter just doing toddler stuff, despite this being only the second time she had met her sole grandchild. My mom and my brother did reconnect at one point after I told her that I thought she had quite a lot to apologize to him for. She apologized, but her apology was akin to, “I’m sorry I was such a TERRIBLE MOTHER :( and it just breaks my heart that you HATE ME :(((((” — which isn’t an apology. You get the picture. None of it is egregiously bad on its own, none of it strikes other people as “bad enough” to cut her off. But it wore on him over time and he eventually just stepped out. It’s death by a thousand emotional cuts.

      I see your side too, though. I have a similar relationship with my MIL most of the time. She’s been so warm to me, she showers me in praise, she has welcomed me into the family pretty much from day 1. I’ve never had much of a family, and I’m now NC with my brother (for unrelated reasons to my mom) who was pretty much all I had. Being loved by my partner’s family taps into something I’ve desperately craved for most of my life. It blinded me to my partner’s complaints about his mom for a while, especially because part of me saw those complaints as selfish. You have both parents alive, you have a huge supportive family, your childhood was more stable than mine, how dare you?

      But his relationship with his mom has been killed by a thousand emotional cuts, too. I don’t fully understand them, but I don’t have to. Ultimately, my relationship with my MIL exists through my partner. If we broke up, I might keep in touch with her to some degree but we wouldn’t be close in the same way. So in my opinion, I owe it to my partner to support him in whatever he’s feeling, even if it doesn’t make sense for me. If he suddenly drastically changed his stance, I’d probe into that more to figure out what happened…but for a slow fade after a lifetime of hurt that I will never fully grasp? That’s his decision. I don’t have to like it but I can’t tell him to shut his feelings down because I’d prefer that he feel differently.

    3. Ginger Cat Lady*

      People who don’t have crappy parents really don’t get it, and this is exhibit A.
      My advice:
      1. Trust your partner to make the right choice. You do not understand, but I promise you there are parents out there worth going low/no contact with. This absolutely CAN be the right call. There’s history there you do not know. If he says this is what he needs or wants, BELIEVE HIM. Second guessing him will not be good.
      2. Let him draw his own boundaries, and support him in maintaining them. Do not undermine those boundaries. Do not go behind his back to maintain contact. Ever. Period.
      3. Build your own friendships and a “chosen family” to provide you with support.
      Children do not, in any way, shape or form, “owe” their parents a relationship. If they want that, they need to build good relationships of mutual respect with their children. If his mom is a mental and emotional drain on him, he gets to say no to that.
      You need to seriously change your thinking on this.

      1. host*

        All of this. He doesn’t have to have a reason “serious enough” to satisfy your metric because your metric is based on YOUR family experience. Even if he does want to talk about it, he may not be able to articulate a “complete” picture for you. From experience, the mind blocks out specific memories sometimes so a person can survive and move on.

    4. Samwise*

      Is he being a dick? No
      Should I try to get him to reconsider? No
      Do children owe…? No
      Is it fine to decide…? Yes

      Look, you can feel sad about it. But it’s not about you. It’s not your mother. It’s not your relationship.

      If I were your partner and you pushed me on this, I’d be mad and disappointed at you. Because you’d be putting your own feelings ahead of mine. Because you’d be second guessing me, and deciding that some bogus cultural ideal— children owe their parents a relationship— is more important than my needs.

      If you think this says something significant about who your partner is and you don’t like it, then rethink your relationship with your partner. But stay out of their relationship with their parent.

    5. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Partner’s family, partner’s call. Nobody owes anybody else a relationship. My husband and I each have a mess of relatives that we don’t have any contact with, for a variety of reasons ranging from “abusive druggie” to “meh, we just don’t have anything in common and haven’t seen each other in ten years.”

    6. AvonLady Barksdale*

      “Serious enough” is in the eye of the beholder. I’m estranged from a parent and have been for decades. My relationship with my other parent is difficult. When people say things like, “It couldn’t have been THAT bad” or “But that’s your mother/father!” or “You should reach out, life is so short,” it completely invalidates my very real feelings and makes me pretty angry.

      If he wants to talk to you about it, let him and just listen. Hold off on the “you should”s. He’s an adult with his own emotions and experiences and he can make this decision for himself.

      See my post above. The opposite situation, but for a couple of years now I have wondered why my partner still speaks to his father, but it’s not my place to tell him to cut the man off. I provide a sounding board and an ear, I validate my partner’s feelings, I sometimes offer my opinion, but I support him as best I can because he wants to maintain the relationship. If my partner ever told me to get in touch with my father because I am supposed to have a relationship with my parent, then I would be out the door.

      1. allathian*

        Yeah, and you’d be within your rights to tell your partner that you can no longer stand to be a sounding board or an ear for his gripes about his father if you’d rather he’d go NC with him already. Sometimes lending an ear will just let a person tolerate abuse for ar longer than they would’ve done without that enabling “support”.

    7. MEH Squared*

      Here’s the thing. Kids are predisposed to stick up for their parents, love their parents, and want to be in a relationship with their parents. Even abused children will often seek love from their abusive parents. For a child (even an adult one) to say, “No, I cannot be in contact with my parent/I need low contact with my parent” means the relationship is terribly fractured.

      I am low contact with my parents and would prefer to be no contact. I could give you a zillion reasons why, but if you haven’t been there, you probably cannot understand how overwhelmingly sad it is to know that your parents do not love/like you. Or are bad for you. or how much it hurts/aches that you don’t have the parents who support you, love you, or understand you.

      You have your own feelings about your in-laws/relationship with them, of course, but believe your husband that he has his reasons for going low contact. It was probably very painful for him to make that decision, and it would be best if you could be supportive of him.

      You can ask for more information, but in a loving way. He may be willing to discuss it or he might not be. The bottom line is that it’s his right. No, children do not owe parents a relationship, and he does not need to justify his decision–not even to you.

    8. Partner going low-contact with MIL*

      Thank you for sharing all of your perspectives! And for being gentle with me despite the fact that obviously some of you have very strong feelings on the topic.

      Of course, I’m a hundred percent on his side and ultimately support whatever he decides and however he wants to handle this. A part of being supportive for us is also telling each other when we think the other one is making a mistake, being unkind or doing something they’re going to regret – so I suppose I wanted a gut check to see if it might be one of those times.

      Reading your responses made me realise that a big reason why I’ve been struggling with this situation is that I, personally, feel guilty towards MIL, especially now that we’re about to RSVP no to the first big family event since going low-contact. It’s hard to shake the feeling that I have some kind of a responsibility towards her, when I don’t have a concrete Big Issue to point to as the reason.

      But you bring up a good point – even if there isn’t one Big Issue, most people want a relationship with their parents and a lot of bad things must have happened to make my partner want to go low-contact, even if I don’t know the full extent of them.

      Thank you for your responses.

      1. LG*

        I hope that you’re not the one who has to give the reason for the low- or no- contact with the MIL. That should be up to your husband. I speak from experience on this issue, as I was always trying to explain my husband’s absence from family gatherings at his mother’s house, because I would show up with the kids without him. After a few times,I just said she’d have to ask him why he didn’t show up, because I didn’t know the answer. (He had no problem with me going, he just wouldn’t go himself.)

    9. *daha**

      My take: let him set his own boundaries with her. Their history is too long and complicated for him to explain it to you in enough detail to see the whole picture, so inevitably you don’t have the information to judge whether he’s making a smart decision or not.

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