can I discuss NSFW shows at work?

by Alison Green on May 14, 2024

A reader writes:

In this age of streaming, it seems like every show I watch is very, very R-rated. I feel a little uncomfortable talking about these shows during normal coworker chit-chat about what everyone has been watching lately. I wondering how best to navigate these conversations.

Here are two specific examples that I felt uncomfortable discussing for different reasons:

– Curb Your Enthusiasm: I have absolutely loved this show for years. Its final season recently came out, which was a big deal in our household. I mentioned it to coworkers when asked if I’ve been watching anything good lately, but afterwards, I felt a little nervous because probably 90% of that show’s jokes would be inappropriate for work. Larry David is basically a walking HR violation! What if a colleague watched that show based on my recommendation, and then thought, “Oh my word, does she actually agree with these offensive jokes?”

– Big Little Lies: This show is set in the same area where a colleague lives (our company is fully remote, so people live all over the country). I would ordinarily have mentioned it to the colleague, along the lines of, “I watched this show set in your town — it looks so beautiful there! Is that what your area is really like?” It would’ve been nice to use that as a conversation starter. However, that show includes a lot of really horrific domestic violence. It would feel weird to mention that show without mentioning the disturbing elements of it, but then again, it would also feel odd to utter the words “domestic violence” in my work setting. So, I never brought up this show with the colleague who lives where the show is set, even though I wanted to!

Maybe I’m overthinking it, but I worry about the inappropriate elements of shows following me around at work. (“Does she agree with these offensive jokes? Does she think intense violence is no big deal?”) The result is that I feel I can’t talk about any shows I watch. Is there a better solution? Maybe I can discuss these shows, as long as I give a quick content warning heads-up?

You are overthinking it! But also, this is a topic where it’s better to overthink than under-think, so you are fine.

People talk about R-rated movies and shows at work all the time without delving into the R-rated elements themselves. (Good lord, think about Game of Thrones, if that’s not too dated a reference at this point.) The nuance you want is this:

Curb Your Enthusiasm is funny because Larry David is a walking HR violation. He’s not being presented as a model of good behavior. The joke is that his behavior is bad. Someone would have to have never encountered humor before to conclude that you recommended the show because you found him an exemplar to follow. There are examples of comedy that I’d avoid recommending at work, like comedy that punches down about race or gender (where the joke is more “this might be subversive to say but it’s true, amirite?”). But this isn’t that.

As for Big Little Lies: with any show with highly disturbing material, it’s good to give people a heads-up about that element (always, not just at work). Someone otherwise could turn on Big Little Lies thinking it was going to be a fun, gossipy show about rich women in Monterey and be utterly blindsided by some of the upsetting scenes. (It’s kind of remarkable how that show still managed to be a fun, gossipy show about rich women in Monterey while also tackling intimate partner violence so … brutally? deftly? both?)

This answer is specific to the two shows you mentioned, but you can extrapolate the same principles pretty widely.

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{ 328 comments }

{ 328 comments… read them below }

  1. ecnaseener*

    Re: warning people about big little lies without getting into specifics like “domestic violence,” “it’s dark” is a good catch-all!

    1. BubbleTea*

      I think it’s important to include some specifics actually. “It’s dark” could be anything from dystopian allegories to violent crime – giving a general warning is not hugely helpful.

      1. BubbleTea*

        Just as a follow up, perhaps my perspective is skewed by the fact that I used to work in domestic abuse services so it was an hourly topic of conversation, but I don’t think it’s a taboo term in the workplace. Specific details of particular incidents? Triggering and inappropriate. A reference to the mere existence of the topic? Fine.

        1. Ace in the Hole*

          I don’t think that’s skewed at all… I’m in a completely unrelated field (garbage) and I don’t think a mention of the general topic is a problem.

          Specific details? Definitely not. But a warning like “there is a lot of domestic violence in it” or “some of the relationships in the show are pretty abusive” is pretty generic but still specific enough to be useful.

          1. Caramel & Cheddar*

            Yeah I think if you keep it as detailed but simultanouesly vague as the warnings ou get before actually watching the show (“May contain scenes of violence and drug use” or whatever) you’re probably balancing both sides of giving away enough for the person to decide whether to seek out more info but without spoiling it for them.

      2. Venus*

        I think it’s fair. I don’t want to list all the things that could be a problem, especially given that most coworkers won’t end up watching the show. That comment tells someone they should look up more info if they want to watch.

        1. Ellie*

          Plus you can always ask. When I’m told something is dark, I usually ask what makes it dark. I’m OK with a lot of kinds of dark but there’s a few that I’m definitely not and I wouldn’t hold it against the other person for telling me information that I’d just asked for.

          I also know people who do not like anything dark at all, who would probably just opt out at that stage. Or people like my grandma, who would immediately follow up with something like, ‘Does it involve children? Because I don’t mind adults doing horrible things to each other but I won’t watch it if there are children’.

      3. JSPA*

        the internet does exist (and people living where it was filmed or set are likely passingly aware of the show, and the LW will be talking to coworkers, not clients, etc etc.) The warning doesn’t have to stand alone as a buffer against the universe. It only has to flag, “of course I don’t take the subject lightly” and “if there are things you’d find disturbing, do a web search first.” The warning is adequate to that purpose, I’d say?

      4. Smithy*

        I think that statements like “it’s dark” or “definitely a strong R rating” work as suitable warnings at work.

        In most cases, this is more about letting someone you know in a work context that they should do a little more research. Either with the person sharing the show (i.e. what exactly do you mean by dark?) or on their own (i.e. reading up online).

        Thinking just about shows like Big Little Lies or White Lotus – there’s a variety of adult content that some people may look to avoid in their media consumption. But I certainly wouldn’t want to be in work listing off topics like “domestic violence, sexual activity, crime investigation, etc.” I do think that there’s room just to indicate adult themes and then focus on the more work-place friendly parts. Such as the acting or writing being really good, the design or costumes being beautiful, or the story being engaging.

        1. It Might Be Me*

          If someone were to say to me, “definitely a strong R rating”, I’d think more Sex/Life than Big Little Lies. “It’s dark” would convey uncomfortable issues.

          I’d also not be happy if someone told me about the domestic violence. When we first meet the perfect couple we they they are just that. When does warning becoming spoiling?

          But, I often joke there has to be at least one murder to keep my interest. I’m already trending tp the dark side.

      5. StressedButOkay*

        At work, though, if you’re not comfortable spelling it out, saying “it’s dark” I think is perfectly fine. As a reverse, I am not a fan of shows with sexual violence but over ‘water cooler’ chat at work, I wouldn’t want to get really into that so if someone recommends American Horror Story, I just say I don’t care for it. So someone saying to me that something is dark is a heads up for me to take a look for myself.

      6. Dahlia*

        I don’t think you’re obligated to be anyone else’s media filter though? You can say “it’s dark” and then it’s up to the person going into the media to look up warnings. There are plenty of places to go for media warnings – even imdb – I wouldn’t rely on a coworker to be one.

        1. Miette*

          I’m glad someone has said this, because I think it goes to something OP may be feeling that is not something that would typically be at play in a work setting, and it is this: Enjoying a piece of media, regardless of its content, is not a reflection on you.

          I repeat: The media you consume is not a reflection of you or your character.

          I am involved in fandoms as a hobby, and there has been a lot of “discourse” over the last few years about people who enjoy certain things must therefore condone them in real life and therefore are bad people, and it’s just not the case, in life and in a work setting.

          If anyone takes a recommendation from you about a piece of media, it’s on them to approach that thing with whatever care or advance research they’d approach any new thing with. I recently watched All of Us Strangers because I love Andrew Scott and anything he’s in, and it DEVASTATED me, but in a good way. But if I was unduly upset by the plot, that’s on me because I didn’t read any of the reviews going in, so I was unaware of it (on purpose). Similarly, I also just watched Ripley, starring the same actor, and I loved it. Does that mean I think murderers are keen and I can’t wait to go out and kill a rich person so I can live their louche lifestyle? No. It means I can separate the art from the artists and go on with my life.

          Now, obviously in a work setting you want to use your judgment on what topics are appropriate. If you love to watch porn, you’re not going to share that because people are weirdly moralistic about anything to do with sex, and that IS a case where it may reflect badly on you. It shouldn’t be that way, but it is. So use your judgment but don’t think that anything in mass media that, like both your examples, has earned widespread critical and viewer praise, is off limits.

      7. Moth*

        Too me, hearing that something is dark means I might want to check in the subject matter before I dive in. If I’m recommending something dark, I usually advise people to check for trigger warnings if that’s a concern for them.

      8. DrSalty*

        It is helpful though, becasue it gives people a heads up they should do more research on their own if they are sensitive to dark content.

      9. Ink*

        Eh. “It’s dark” is a good starter. If they want to know what you mean, they can ask or look into it themselves. If they don’t want to hear about it, whatever “it” might be in any given case, they don’t have to.

      10. hellohello*

        Usually if I’m recommending something that has elements a lot of people have issues with, I’ll add the disclaimer “I’d check the content warnings first, though!” That way if people know they are sensitive to specific issues they can google the show, but I haven’t had to list out specific potentially triggering ideas right then and there.

      11. Roeslein*

        Agree – I was never one for trigger warnings but since becoming a parent I cannot watch or read about violence against babies / children anymore. I watched the first episode of Shogun in which a baby is killed offscreen and had nightmares about it for weeks. I don’t have issues with any other type of R-rated content so would definitely appreciate a specific heads-up!

        1. the clash*

          This this this! I have a one year old, and I burst into hysterical sobbing when that point came up in Shogun. I absolutely would have been disturbed by this before having a kid, but nothing near the reaction I had after becoming a parent. (My husband literally had to talk me out of going upstairs and waking up our baby because I just wanted to hold her after seeing that episode.)

          Anyway…you’re not alone there, and I’m definitely gonna need to investigate shows a little more deeply for this specific thing before watching from here on out.

          Also, not sure if you ended up watching the whole thing, but oh man it’s good!!

      12. matt r*

        “dark” is totally fine, and let others ask if they’re is interested…”i’ll tell you later,” if you’re in a larger group.

    2. Saturday*

      In the OP’s example, she just wanted to mention the show’s location. I don’t think she needs to say anything about its content. I wouldn’t take her comment as meaning that she recommends the show – and even if she did recommend it, I would look for more info before diving in anyway, and I think most people would, especially if they have concerns.

      1. StephChi*

        I agree. She could simply say to her coworker, “I was watching Big Little Lies on HBO, which is set in your town. Is it really that beautiful? How do you like living there?” No discussion of the content of the show is needed at all.

    3. Daisy-dog*

      I was sharing a joke from “You” with some co-workers. To sum up the show, I just said, “The main character is a really creepy dude.”

    4. Moose*

      Maybe it’s because I work in public health, but I can’t imagine it being wrong to say the words “domestic violence” at work. That feels so strange and stigmatizing to me.

      1. JSPA*

        The words themselves can be a trigger if they pop up unexpectedly.

        This is a topic that people are expecting to face in a health care or health policy setting, where “do you feel safe in your home environment” is a standard question. But not one people expect to face on a random work-call with a coworker.

        Something being “not for universal discussion” isn’t the same as it being stigmatized. (I can think of at least dozen public health topics that would not be standard workplace chat in other workplaces.)

        Also, when you’re in public health / in healthcare, it is part of your job to find people who need information or an active hand in getting out of a bad domestic situation. So that mandate (and having the tools to follow through on it) outweighs the risk of triggering bad memories, full flashbacks, a panic attack or gut dysfunction in someone who experienced DV earlier in their life. If you’re in another workplace, with different mandates, skills and different tools, the calculus is, frankly, different.

        It’s like randomly reminding black coworkers that you know how bad racism can be, or LGBT coworkers how bad “anti” sentiment can be. That’s going to land as an injury or a not-so-micro-aggression, even if your goal is to normalize “being able to talk about that stuff at work.”

        More generally, the most legit goal, IMO, should be to communicate, “you could come to me if you were in a bad spot,” not, “let me talk about something that causes you distress, in the name of reducing stigma.” Because, well…outside of the scripted interactions of a doctor’s office…that’s not really a great way to send the signal, “I am safe to talk to,” is it?

    5. WantonSeedStitch*

      Agreed. I will say stuff like “there’s a lot of sexual violence but it’s not gratuitous” or “there’s a lot of racist language used, but it’s clearly done to show how awful a character is” when describing shows for others.

      1. Grizabella the Glamour Cat*

        I feel the need to point out that “sexual violence” and “domestic violence” are not synonyms. Of course, domestic violence can take various forms, including sexual, but I think using the former as if it were synonymous with the latter could result in some serious misunderstandings.

        Disclaimer: I’m not 100% sure that’s what you’re suggesting, but I am pointing this out just in case.

        1. WantonSeedStitch*

          No, not saying it’s the same thing, but I am just giving examples of things I have said about shows I’ve watched when trying to give the person I’m talking to an idea of things that might be disturbing.

    6. Excel-sior*

      “Dark” is always a good catch-all. Apart from when describing ‘Dark’ which is both brilliant and dark , but i always feel a bit silly saying “Dark is dark”.

    7. Also-ADHD*

      I think it might be fine to start with it’s dark but if your goal is to actually warn anyone about the material, indicating “it contains xyz” might not be replaced by “it’s dark” frankly. I’d caution against overleaning on that.

      1. Simona*

        Interesting, I would never call Big Little Lies “dark” to me that’s a whole other line of topics, so it’s hard to do this.

        I’ve honestly never thought about this at work. The above shows are so..run of the mill that I wouldn’t think twice about TALKING about them at work. If I was specifically recommending them, then yes.

  2. The Original K.*

    I just finished Baby Reindeer, which is a very dark show, and when asked by a colleague about what I’d watched lately, I answered honestly. I didn’t go into detail, just said that the subject matter was dark but that I recommended the show. (In this case the person was familiar with it but hadn’t seen it.)

    1. SuperAdmin*

      This is the right approach.

      My problem is everyone at work seems to have watched this but it is so far out of my comfort zone for TV that I know I will not watch it. I have made this clear. They will NOT STOP TELLING ME TO WATCH IT. Grumpy face.

      1. allathian*

        Ugh, like GoT way back when? Sure, I watched GoT and enjoyed (most of) it, but I wouldn’t dream of insisting on talking about it with someone who didn’t want to watch it, never mind pestering anyone to watch something I liked when they’ve clearly stated their disinterest.

        I’m sorry, your coworkers are assholes.

    2. Aeryn Sun*

      Yeah, that’s what I’d do with it too. I like a lot of dark media and horror content and know that is absolutely not for everyone, but if I make recommendations to someone where I don’t know where they stand about something I might just be clear “yeah it’s pretty dark, I don’t know if that’s something you’d be interested in.”

    3. Rosemary*

      As soon as I started reading this letter I was certain Baby Reindeer was going to be one of the examples. It definitely took a VERY dark/disturbing turn that I was not expecting!

    4. SnackAttack*

      Yup, same. My go-to is “just to warn you, it gets pretty heavy, especially around episode X” or “it can be tough to watch at times, just a heads-up.” I feel like that communicates that there’s some kind of intense and uncomfortable subject matter without going too much into the weeds.

  3. Goldenrod*

    This question makes me laugh because my boss LOVES television and we constantly discuss shows with inappropriate work content, hahahahha!

    However, it’s a good question because you really need to know your audience on this one. Generally, though, if you ask someone at work if they watch a certain show – and they do – then you can discuss it. I really like and trust my boss…if I didn’t like or trust my boss, I would definitely stick to milder topics.

    I recently bonded with a co-worker over our love of “Severance.” Knowing that my co-worker loves that show instantly told me a lot about our shared attitudes towards work. In a good way!

    1. Keeley Jones, The Independent Woman*

      Severance is such a good show, but I only recommend it to certain people whom enjoy dark dramas, where as I’ll recommend Ted Lasso to anyone (except my mom who just can’t with swearing, lol)

      1. Global Cat Herder*

        My mom also can’t with the swearing … but has a massive crush on Roy Kent anyway.

    2. KitKat*

      “Generally, though, if you ask someone at work if they watch a certain show – and they do – then you can discuss it.”

      I used to have lively Slack discussions about The Bachelor with colleagues at a former job. I think I would just add to your advice that you should still be thoughtful about work-appropriateness when discussing with colleagues. Like, I would steer clear of any fantasy suite related speculation with coworkers. If it’s not someone I would talk about ~my~ sex life with, then it’s probably not someone I should talk about Clayton Echard’s sex life with.

    3. Sweetie Darling*

      One of my old favorites is Absolutely Fabulous. The lead characters are Drunken British Fashionistas. I’m neither a drunk, nor am I British, and will never be accused of being a fashionista. If discussing this show at work I could see myself bonding with anyone who also loves it – not because we exhibit those qualities but because I now have a person to drop quotes with.

      On a different note, in High School, I had a teacher who always raved about Seinfield, and eventually (jokingly) assigned all of us to watch that night’s new episode. That was the one about being the Master of Your Domain so the next day WAS kind of awkward…

    4. Steve for Work Purposes*

      Yeah it really depends on the audience. I got really into Hazbin Hotel and I’ve discussed it at work with a few other coworkers who like it, but I’d stick to milder topics in general. On the other hand, I work for a govt agency and Utopia is very popular with my coworkers, it’s how I found out about it in the first place. I think Severance has also come up a few times.

      Similarly if my coworkers ask what I’ve been reading lately, I keep it to ‘horror’ unless they sound specifically interested.

    5. Sleeve McQueen*

      Yeah same as my work.
      Colleague: watched the first ep of season 3 of The Boys, it was f’d up.
      Me: it’s The Boys, it’s always f’d up
      Colleague: even by The Boys standard, it’s f’d up.
      Me, later, watching the episode: yeah this is f’d up.

  4. Reality.Bites*

    Regardless of content, and regardless of whether it’s work or a social setting, I discuss shows with people who also enjoy them or I know to be interested in similar shows. To use a super-dated reference, why discuss Dallas with someone who only watches Dynasty?

    1. Caramel & Cheddar*

      Yes, this! Know your audience. I have colleagues who insist on talking to me about shows I have never expressed interest in and told them I don’t watch, which I find distracting at best and annoying at worst. But I’m happy to chat with them about the stuff we do mutually have in common.

      “Appropriateness” isn’t just about content, it’s also about whether or not someone actually wants to have a conversation about the same show.

      1. Juicebox Hero*

        Oh, the Big Bang Theory evangelists… during the show’s run there were three, count ’em, three people in my daily life, a coworker, a sister, and a fellow patron of my favorite yarn shop, who found it simply unbelievable, unacceptable, and unconscionable that I didn’t simply adore that goddamn show because I’m a nerdy science geek with an off-kilter sense of humor and I should be all over it like white on Wonderbread. Saying I’d watched a few episodes but didn’t like it didn’t stop them because I hadn’t seen the “right” episodes. The Glare over the Glasses didn’t even slow them down. If I walked away and ignored them they’d follow me, proseletyzing, and if I cut them off I was the meanie for hurting their feelings! I’ve never been so happy to have a show I didn’t watch end!

        Sorry, I’ve been holding that one in for way too long…

          1. It’s Suzy Now*

            After seeing the first episode, I thought it was borderline rude. But my geekiest friends loved it, and I have some deeply geeky friends! Since they loved it, I felt OK liking it too.

            Which doesn’t mean anyone else is required to like it!

            1. All het up about it*

              I’ve known geeks that love it and geeks who find it Rude/offensive or just didn’t like it.

              I’ve always enjoyed the show, but I do think there are problematic themes and episodes in it. Even though it isn’t as old as Friends, watching it has a similar feel for me sometimes. Overall, I enjoy and like it, but I also cringe instead of laugh at certain jokes and fully accept that some people, who might “seem” like the target audience are actually NOT.

          2. RussianInTexas*

            I don’t know, BF is a major nerd (said lovingly, as I am one too), and so are his friends. They are all even STEM people, all in their 50s and older now. During the show run they basically sorted themselves by the classic Carrie/Samantha/Charlotte/Miranda but for TBBT. We have all seasons on DVD at home.

          3. Nina*

            (geeky person, geeky friends…) Among people I know there’s a strong love/hate thing going on. People either love it because it’s so [person they know and possibly live with] and it’s hilarious to see their real life so accurately shown on TV, or hate it because it’s so [person they know and possibly live with] and it feels like someone stuck a laugh track on their real life and it’s rude and gross to laugh at what is basically indistinguishable from their real life.

            I’m in the second camp, for what it’s worth.

        2. Reality.Bites*

          TBBT had remarkably broad appeal – but you know, so does pizza. And there are people who don’t like pizza. Fine with me. I like TBBT *and* pizza. And I don’t care if you don’t – why would I? I didn’t write the show or cook the pizza! The TV and food choices of someone who doesn’t share a home with me are of no importance to me at all.

          1. Office Chinchilla*

            This is a remarkably apt comparison because you will be shocked, if you never thought about it before, how often you are in situations where pizza is the ONLY food option: parties, work events, helping someone move, etc. And sometimes it feels like I’m informing people for the first time that there are shows besides TBBT. (Also, that no, my brother is not “just like Sheldon,” please stop telling him that, he doesn’t appreciate it.)

            1. Anax*

              The “just like Sheldon” comments are my only real issue with the show. I swear, every visibly autistic person in the US must have been called “just like Sheldon” by now.

              Or at least, I sure did. Mostly by my parents. A LOT.

        3. Also-ADHD*

          The nerdier you are, the less TBBT is for you.

          Not to say no nerds really enjoy it—we would not describe ourselves as enjoying it so much as finding it appropriately mindless to certain moments in time, but we do always joke about punishing ourselves when watch it. (Primarily, I’ve seen it in the context of having a new puppy right before Covid, dealing with Covid lockdowns, and having only the brain power for old reruns/sitcom series and hate watching stuff like Tiger King, lol.)

          I watched it some when it was on and all during Covid, my husband will sometimes use it as a background or sleep show, even though he doesn’t like it exactly, but we (unsurprisingly) do not identify with the depiction of nerds that CBS/Lorre produced for a bajillion seasons of mainstream TV for a wide, general audience in a show with a laugh track. The idea it was primarily for nerds seems very odd—it was obviously for a broad audience and nerds are an inherently niche audience.

      2. Elizabeth West*

        This reminds me of Exjob, where I had to sit in my cube and listen to endless discussions of Duck Dynasty whenever certain coworkers were in the office. Accompanied by frequent bursts of “You should watch it!” whenever I appeared.

        Yeah, no, I was not watching that.

        1. ErinW*

          UGH, I had this, but the show was Jersey Shore. This office was absolutely in love with that show and talking and joking about it all day.

    2. Pastor Petty Labelle*

      Speaking of Dynasty — I will never forget my 8th grade gym teacher decided to tell us about a scene which she disapproved of. It involved people in a compromising situation who were married to other people. She thought that was disrespectful. All I could think was — if you dislike the themes of the show why are you watching it? Dynasty was not a show for prudes.

      Also what on earth was she thinking discussing this scene with 8th grade girls?

      1. Reality.Bites*

        I didn’t watch the show, but have a lot of “cultural awareness” of it. Were there any episodes that *didn’t* involve people in a compromising situation who were married to other people?

      2. Bast*

        This always gets to me for various forms of media — movies, TV shows, books, etc. There is always someone who picks up whatever it is and then complains about it for being what it is ie: picking up 50 Shades of Grey and complaining about sexual references and scenes, watching Saw and complaining of gore, etc. Things that are very well known and documented for being part of a certain genre or exploring certain themes, and then getting upset when they have the exact themes they advertise themselves as depicting/are well known to depict.

        1. Pastor Petty Labelle*

          Exactly. I mean this was clearly back in the 80s when you still only mostly had 3 channels to watch. But there was still an off button. If you don’t like it, watch something else or turn the tv off. If you turn something on not knowing and decide you don’t like it, turn it off or watch something else. Same goes with any media. We have choices people.

        2. MigraineMonth*

          I mean, I’ll pick up 50 Shades of Grey and complain about the sex scenes, but that’s about the *lack* of eroticism and kink.

  5. i drink too much coffee*

    I was talking to my boss about Dexter the other day! He said he didn’t know much about it but he’d heard it was really good. I told him it’s an excellent show but can be really hard to watch because it can be pretty gory and violent. He was like yea, maybe it’s not for me then. End of conversation, no big deal! :)

    I’ve also discussed You and Handmaid’s Tale at work, just discussing what we watch and things like that. I’ve never taken anything to mean that they condone the things happening in the shows!

  6. Lily Rowan*

    Oh lord, a few months ago someone started talking about Poor Things at work, and I was like, “I really liked that movie! But wait, you should know that it’s all about sex. Like, the plot moves via sex and I don’t think the marketing is clear about that.” I just had visions of this colleague going, “Lily liked it, and she’s trustworthy…” and then being shocked! I’m still not sure if what I did was worse.

    Your examples seem fine, LW!

    1. Goldenrod*

      I LOVED “Poor Things” so much…but it’s true, I had no idea going into it how sexually graphic it would be! I’ve recommended it to people at work, and described it as “very original and creative, but definitely not for everyone.”

      Also, I warned my co-worker with kids: “Don’t watch it with your kids!!” because that could make for some awkward family viewing.

      1. KitKat*

        I described it to my mother in law as “highly explicit”! Would probably do the same at work — “love it but fair warning it’s pretty explicit, definitely look into it if you’re bothered by that sort of stuff!” Or swap in “pretty adult”, “very R rated”, etc. Anything to say “I am recommending this but aware that the content is not work appropriate and not for everyone!”

    2. LaurCha*

      wait, what? Poor Things is all about sex? Seriously, I had no idea. They absolutely do not deliver that message in the marketing.

      1. Lily Rowan*

        I mean, it’s ABOUT other concepts, but a lot of the movie is people having sex, for SURE.

        1. Festively Dressed Earl*

          Sex is the conduit for the concepts, I’d say. Except for the concepts that are specifically about sex.

      2. WorkingClassLady*

        I wouldn’t say it’s necessarily “all about sex,” there is a fair amount of sex (and other graphic material) and it’s part of the plot. Be forewarned before you watch it. I really liked the movie, but the plotline is….interesting, shall we say, and not for everyone.

    3. 34avemovieguy*

      I’m sorry maybe I am insensitive, but adults should be able to manage their own and their kids’ media filtering by themselves. Poor Things is explicit, but it is a critically acclaimed and award winning movie starring very famous and well-respected actors. It isn’t some dirty secret that we have to recommend with all sorts of qualifiers. Poor Things is a legitimate art/independent movie. BLL also won awards, got rave reviews, and starred actresses who come with a lot of prestige. The rating provided by MPAA is right there on every poster for the movie. There are lots of dedicated web sites explaining whether movies are ok for kids or not.

      1. Frank Doyle*

        Sure, it was critically acclaimed and award-winning and strange and I liked it, but it sure was more about sex than I thought it was going to be! From the trailer I thought that was going to be one particular aspect, but it really does drive the whole plot. And it’s kind of disturbing, since she has the mind of a child! And it is not clear from the trailers that that’s what it’s going to be. I don’t feel hoodwinked or anything, but I do think that it’s appropriate to mention that caveat to a work acquaintance with whom you wouldn’t normally have conversations about things that are that explicit, if you are otherwise recommending the film.

      2. SchuylerSeestra*

        I thought Poor Things was incredible, deserved all the awards, but on a personal level thought the nudity was a bit too much. And I went in knowing there would be adult content.

        I completely understand how it tied into the story, but yeah. I get why folks would be uncomfortable.

      3. Onyx*

        Warning about a film’s contents doesn’t mean it’s a bad film or that people are/should be ashamed of liking it, just that the contents are something the person being warned might want to know about before they encounter it. A *lot* of excellent and acclaimed films have content that people would want to be prepared for going in so they know whether they’re in the right mood for that content or if they want to skip it entirely.

        In this case, Lily Rowan specifically said they liked the film but thought the marketing was misleading about the sexual content–that’s very useful information. Why withhold that warning from someone just because they’re an adult who can do their own research?

        As an example, I once read a book where a description I’d read warned it would be rated “R” if it were a film, in a context that made me think they were referring to sexual content, so I was completely blindsided when I hit the graphic, first-person POV description of the protagonist being beaten nearly to death. The content wasn’t anything I was *unable* to handle–I finished the book and enjoyed it overall–but I was grossly misled by the description that gave me a “rating” without being clear about what kind of content it was for, and I thought I *had* done my own media filtering by reading the descriptions provided and gauging whether that was content I was OK with.

      4. Nina*

        You’ve never gone to see a movie just based on a recommendation and without checking out reviews and Does The Dog Die (which isn’t always amazing for very new movies, gotta say)? Never ever?

      5. Mademoiselle Sugar Lump*

        If someone asks me about a movie, I’m going to tell them whether I liked it and why, plus anything else I think someone might want to know: It’s really long. I found it kind of confusing. There’s a lot of bathroom humor. The ending was unsatisfying – I didn’t know it’s the first part of a trilogy. I was bothered by some of the racial stereotypes. It had a lot of explicit sex. It had a lot of violence. It had a lot of animal cruelty.
        None of these are dirty secrets, just things people might want to know going in that may not be obvious from the trailers.

      6. Hrodvitnir*

        It’s actually super annoying trying to get actual details without massive spoilers so yeah, I really appreciate people who know me personally being kind enough to give personalised content notes.

        I *loved* Poor Things, like it shot straight to the top of my favourites list. I’m also (literally) triggered by sexual violence, especially implied/realistic sexual violence, so I did check DTDD. It was confusing but I went in aware there wasn’t sexual violence *exactly*.

        At the start I was very concerned about how they were going to play it, but I personally think it was really well executed.

        When you’re someone who likes super weird films, particularly enjoys going on knowing basically nothing about what you’re watching, doesn’t remotely care about explicit sex and is fine with graphic non-sexual violence, and can tolerate sexual violence when prepared but can be severely impacted when blindsided/it is very realistic, it’s a massive PITA to get an idea if they’re OK for me.

        Eg: High Life (2018) was a sci fi film I was super excited to see, and able to mentally prepare myself for the sexual abuse. The more violent scene was actually less disturbing to me. (Film was overall OK but slightly disappointing on balance, 7/10 from me.)

        The Debt Collector (1999) has a very realistic rape scene and that was a very bad idea for me to watch. It is deeply implanted in my brain (I was an adult when I first saw it btw, haha). Great film though if you can handle some graphic violence + realistic but not graphic sexual violence – Billy Connolly was *very* good at portraying a scary, scary man.

      7. Martin Blackwood*

        Id say that “dont watch it with your kids” is less of a commandment to Do Not show anyone under 18 this, its a warning that the person should do some actual digging.

        And yes, people will go to things without even googling it. A friend was in a production of Rocky Horror and told us about a mom bringing her two preteen/younger kids. (it was late october, maybe she saw musical and assumed child friendly horror?). Very educational. Not even only sexually, but I know the audience makes nazi jokes about dr. scott (it was a reoccurring production). Does the dog die probably doesnt account for RH audience call outs.

        1. Martin Blackwood*

          I guess the point my rocky horror acnedote was trying to make is that sometimes people make assumptions about the content based off other things theyve seen (musicals, in this case, are more common in childrens media) so a heads up for things that may not be immediately obvious is a kind thing to do

      8. ErinW*

        With Poor Things, there is also a weird kind of false sense of security built in by Emma Stone being the lead actress. She is a mainstream star and you don’t normally expect big stars like that to be in roles this explicit (at least, not in America). Everyone I know who saw this movie came out quite surprised by what they saw.

        Also, the R rating is kind of wide-ranging. A completely sexless movie can get an R rating for having too many f-words. That’s not a good indicator in and of itself.

  7. CR*

    Ha, my team just spent the beginning of a meeting talking about what we’re watching and it was all R rated stuff. We’re adults, it’s fine.

  8. Can't stop talking about that cult lady turning blue*

    An old coworker and I liked to discuss documentaries, especially about cults and the like. I’d mention some trigger warnings when recommending them but still felt fine discussing them at work. (e.g.: the Netflix doc about the Luna Park fire in the 70’s is fascinating in terms of its conspiracy ties but it also deals with children dying so I warn people that it gets pretty heavy.)

    1. NotAManager*

      It can also be helpful when coworkers are asking for recommendations since sometimes viewers will catch things networks didn’t. There was some imagery I was not prepared for at the beginning of the recent Love Has Won documentary which I thought merited a content warning, though there wasn’t one at the beginning of the program. I made it a point to mention it to people considering watching the show, just so they’re not taken by surprise.

    2. Charlotte Lucas*

      I have a coworker a trigger warning about my favorite 80s teen comedy (Better Off Dead).

    3. zuzu*

      Oh, god, I love me a good cult documentary.

      Except for the Twin Flames. I can’t with those people.

      1. Resident Catholicville, U.S.A.*

        I am neck deep in cult documentaries. Who knew there were so many polygamous cults in the US?

      2. ChattyDelle*

        oh Twin Flames absolutely blew my mind! people can be so trusting, I guess? I’m a huge cynic, so I kept saying “what?!?!?”

      3. Delta Delta*

        The Twin Flames people are irritating. If I ever meet either of them I’m going to accidentally step on their toe(s).

  9. NotAManager*

    My coworkers and I discuss NSFW television shows during break times, it’s no big deal, though we will censor ourselves when it comes to describing any of the R-rated content (since we’ve all seen the episodes we talk about, we don’t need to rehash every scene).

    I do understand the deeper anxiety of thinking coworkers will judge the content of your character by the content of the shows you watch, but honesty? That could happen with any piece of media, even things that aren’t particularly spicy or violent because everyone has their own biases. You never know what coworker could find any show with magic in it offensive because of their religious beliefs. You never know what coworker will judge someone who mentions how much they primarily read YA fiction and they feel like adults shouldn’t read books written for teens.

    I’m a huge horror fan myself and there are definitely coworkers I don’t discuss horror movies with – but that’s because they said that horror movies/books/tv shows upset them when the genre was mentioned, so I made a mental note not to delve further into the topic. Granted, they weren’t judgy at all, they just made it clear that the genre is not for them so there was no point in trying to talk about it.

    If someone doesn’t have the ability to realize that a person can enjoy a piece of media without actively endorsing its content, that’s on them.

    1. LBD*

      Yes, reading the room, being considerate, all make for a positive work space. I don’t want to watch horror movies; I just can’t sit through them. I don’t mind hearing someone talk about how they enjoyed it. And I can laugh about jokes involving going into the basement alone even though you know the house is haunted.
      I guess, go slow and pay attention if you don’t know how someone will react.

  10. Venus*

    It can be so relative. I watched Transplant (highly recommend!) with a friend who loves action shows with lots of fight scenes, yet he really struggled with what I found to be a great show that only caused me to wince a couple times. I found it interesting that our context for blood and gore was so opposite.

    I think it’s reasonable to tell a coworker that the show is dark and leave it at that.

    1. Caramel & Cheddar*

      I will second the recommendation for Transplant, but will say I probably skew towards your friend’s side of things and definitely found there to be a level of medical gore on that show that I wasn’t used to (I don’t watch a lot of gory things to begin with). Not in a way that was designed to gross you out, just very frank depictions of horrifying things that can happen to your body during a medical crisis.

    2. ferrina*

      Yeah, give a bit of a content warning and let them decide if they want to ask further. I mentioned in a meeting that I was watching Twisted Metal (during the ‘how was your weekend’ small talk). Someone asked if I would recommend it, so I said I enjoyed it but it had very adult themes and was based on a video game, so definitely not everyone’s cup of tea.

      That was that and the conversation moved on. fwiw, both HR and my boss were in that meeting.

      1. Grumpy Elder Millennial*

        This is my approach, too. Give a quick disclaimer and see if there are follow-up questions. Fortunately, there’s plenty of media around, so if people aren’t sure it’s for them, there’s like a million other options.

    3. Hrodvitnir*

      Heh, as someone who is down with both types, I think many who enjoy the more cartoonified action violence are not prepared for more realistic violence (or gore or the psychological aspect of more realistic harm) – especially anything medical. I think the latter is very confronting for a lot of people.

      I went to an art exhibition once that was a surreal sort of medical gore film playing on all the walls in a dark room with cushions in the middle. I found it very interesting but wow, as someone who has extensive experience with innards via vet nursing (so running anaesthetics during animal surgeries – seldom scrubbing in at all) and a fascination with organ systems, it was still hard to watch at times.

  11. Cubicles & Chimeras*

    I watch a ton of shows that aren’t work appropriate for violence and/or sex reasons. If I come across someone who hadn’t seen it before, I tend to caveat it with “FYI, if gratuitous violence isn’t your thing…” or “It’s about queer people so if on screen depictions of gay sex aren’t your thing…” or “It’s like 90% non-stop swearing so if you already don’t like my use of f-bombs, maybe not this.”

    But generally, I’m not assuming anyone who watches The Bachelor as someone who has a harem of dates they’re giving roses to, much like my coworkers aren’t assuming I’m secretly a vengeful pirate.

      1. Cubicles & Chimeras*

        I prefer to surprise them, otherwise how else are you going to catch them on the high seas and capture their booty?

    3. WantonSeedStitch*

      My brain entangled queer and pirates and hit on Our Flag Means Death. I love that when I posted about it being renewed for a second season on our office water cooler chat Slack channel, I got Pride flag reacts and Jolly Roger reacts in equal numbers!

      1. Cubicles & Chimeras*

        Also a great show! It was the talk of our queer group at work when it got renewed.

  12. Observer*

    I just watched the trailer for Curb Your Enthusiasm. (The last show?) I cannot imagine that anyone would think that you actually think that he’s a reasonable person, much less someone to emulate. The guy is an obvious caricature. Which doesn’t surprise me – he’s something of a character actor, so if you’ve seen any of his work, you know that he acts the part of misanthropes who we laugh our heads off about.

    1. Seashell*

      Larry David (the show character) is based on Larry David, the real person. An exaggeration for sure, but not 100% fiction either.

      I don’t think fans of the show think it’s an etiquette guide though.

      1. Manders*

        My parents’ neighbors used to be his neighbors, and they said he’s…pretty much like that. Maybe less HR nightmare and more a-hole. But not far off.

    2. Excel-sior*

      you’d think that, but sadly recent history has shown us that some people really get the wrong end of the stick when it comes to certain characters in media.

  13. Jim Dandy*

    I loved the book Murder Your Employer and recommended it to a few colleagues. I make sure to note it’s by Rupert Holmes, the Pina Colada Song guy and totally tongue in cheek.
    I assume my colleagues can understand satire.

    1. DramaQ*

      I LOVE that book. I saw the cover at my local library and was like “You have my attention”. I loved it so much I bought it so I could read it again and catch things I missed the first time.

    2. Festively Dressed Earl*

      Murder Your Employer is currently our “car book” that I read aloud to my spouse on trips. We took a friend to a movie this weekend and I almost picked it up and recommended it, then thought twice about recommending a satirical book about a murder school that exists because some people just need killin’.

    3. BetsCounts*

      WAIT IT’S **THAT** RUPERT HOLMES?? I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST A SEMI-COMMON NAME

  14. BottleBlonde*

    I will say that I slightly side-eyed one of my teammates (in an amused way!) after watching Saltburn at her recommendation. She recommended it several times at different meetings and even started following up with folks to see if they had watched yet, so she could discuss with them! I watched it and was a little taken aback at the content, given how emphatically it was recommended in a work context :)

    That being said, I agree that it’s fine to recommend NSFW media at work in general. At my last job we used to book out a conference room on Monday mornings for anyone who wanted to debrief on the last night’s Game of Thrones episode, and there was definitely a lot of NSFW content in that show!

    1. sofar*

      My office also had a Monday morning “standup” so everyone who wanted to could talk about “Game of Thrones” and not bother the entire office about it. HR also literally made a dedicated Slack channel for us to share memes, b/c it was taking over the the “General” Slack channel (and our Head of HR was the most active participant). So yeah … LW, don’t worry about “Curb.”

    2. Alice Quinn*

      Yeah, I had a VP who waxed poetic about how amazing Bridgerton was at an all-hands meeting. While I am a fan of the show, once I watched the full season, I did side-eye her a bit on the appropriateness of recommending it so strongly to a hundred or so folks who reported up through her.

      1. Nobby Nobbs*

        The rating just jumps up without warning on that one, doesn’t it? I (an adult, but still) was watching with my parents…

        1. Dahlia*

          Part of Nicola Coughlan’s contract is Netflix gives her a PG-13 cut for her parents to watch XD

            1. wendelenn*

              I guess even when you’re in your 30s as Nicola is, you don’t want your parents seeing that! (Can’t wait for “her” season in a few days!)

    3. KitKat*

      I think this is key — there’s a big difference between talking about something you watch and actually recommending it to others who haven’t seen it. I’d definitely be more careful to give a heads-up that something isn’t work appropriate if I’m actually recommending it.

    4. kel*

      Saltburn is….not one I’d have talked about openly unless I had a really good relationship with my coworkers….

  15. Chirpy*

    re: asking about a show that takes place where a coworker lives: this can also depend on the show. Maybe Google to see if it’s actually filmed there first. Personally, I live in a state where only a few big popular shows take place, and most of them were not filmed here. Off the top of my head, there’s only one that got the look/ culture right while still filming in Hollywood. Most tend to go hard on the bad stereotypes and film in completely wrong environments. But, there are also a few that did film at least a little bit here, and get it right, and those are great! I’d love to talk all day about the one that shows off one particular place I love that the show only got to show a tiny piece of. On the other hand, if someone from out of state gushed about a particular murder that happened here and has gotten multiple shows/podcasts, I’d be kind of annoyed. So, maybe just do a quick search for “local opinions on Show” first, which will also give you some good conversation starters.

    1. ferrina*

      One of my favorite parts of watching TV is trying to spot the Vancouver landmarks. Soooo many shows that are supposed to take place in the U.S. are actually filmed in Vancouver, BC.

      1. Grumpy Elder Millennial*

        Yup, my friend’s former office is in the pilot of Battlestar Galactica!

        It’s the same thing in Toronto.

          1. Grumpy Elder Millennial*

            Yes, that’s super fun, too. There are some who show up all over the place! Like Charlotte Sullivan, Ben Bass, Noam Jenkins, Matt Gordon, Eric Johnson, Karen Robinson…

          2. ScatteredMess*

            We like to play the game – did we go to school together, meet at a bar, or do I just remember you from another show. :D

      3. Chirpy*

        Yup, the most common stand-in for my state is Vancouver…because trees, apparently?

        Like, much as I like Canada (and I too love playing Spot The Vancouver Landmarks/ Actors), our trees are very different. Although at least they’re not trying to pretend southern California looks even remotely like where I live.

      4. The OG Sleepless*

        Now that so many things are filmed in Atlanta, that is always fun! The car chase scene at the beginning of Baby Driver was filmed a couple of blocks from where my daughter goes to college (and those streets are hard enough to drive around on when you’re not a getaway driver). And the car bomb scene at the beginning of season 2 of Will Trent was filmed very close to my house. That neighborhood got a warning that there was going to be a loud explosion sometime that morning and not to be alarmed.

        1. bamcheeks*

          There was an episode of Scott and Bailey where they drove if Deansgate in Manchester, which was appropriate because it’s set in Manchester. Except that after the exterior shot establishing the location, it switched to the inside of the car and they were CLEARLY driving at about 30mph, which nobody has ever managed to do up Deansgate because it’s a busy shopping street with pedestrian crossings every 100 yards!

      5. LBD*

        I know someone who made a point of watching anything filmed in our small suburb of Vancouver in order to spot and identify local places, including indoor scenes. Good times!

      6. Festively Dressed Earl*

        Paging all episodes of Supernatural that try to pass off Vancouver as Texas, Mississippi, California, Florida….

        1. Chirpy*

          I’m still impressed by the episode of X-Files that successfully managed to pass off Vancouver as Arizona by painting a quarry.

          *but they clearly went “eh, trees” when doing the episode set in my state

          1. Jaydee*

            I totally want to go to Vancouver someday so I can find X-Files landmarks and take my husband to Psych landmarks. There is overlap…the future Psych office is visible in the X-Files pilot.

            1. Chirpy*

              Nice, I’ll have to go back and find that. I do like finding overlapping stuff in MacGyver and Stargate, because there’s a LOT.

              I too want to go to Vancouver just to see how weirdly familiar the whole city might feel. I once stayed in a hotel in Los Angeles that I later realized the reason it felt so familiar was because I’d seen it on TV!

              1. allathian*

                Also Battlestar Galactica. The big building that housed the defense computer that the cylons shut down with some help from Dr. Baltar also appears in at least one SG-1 episode and several The X-Files episodes.

                There’s also a rocky beach on a lake surrounded by a coniferous forest that appears at least once in MacGyver, SG-1, BSG, and The X-Files.

            2. ferrina*

              This would be such a fun trip! If you go, make sure to check out the Dr. Sun Yat-Sen Chinese Gardens. It is used for so many shows, and once you see it you can’t un-see it. (Plus it’s just a really beautiful garden)

        2. RussianInTexas*

          The Mentalist’s last season was set in “Texas” and it was hilarious.
          “Houston” had wrong color street signs, and there were way more pedestrians than I’ve seen here for the last 20 years combined.
          But the best part:
          1. A naval base in Galveston, TX
          2. SNOW CAPPED MOUNTAINS in the background of said Galveston, TX. The nearest decent mountains are 10 hours drive away, and very questionable about the snow-cappness. It might as well be Mars!

          1. RussianInTexas*

            Oh, and ALL of Texas looks like Southern California apparently. Even the prairie and the East Texas Pines.

      8. hello*

        you can often can pinpoint specific intersections in Los Angeles that car ads in “generic city” environments were shot in (or, these days, cgi’d in). also “generic university” scenes at USC, though I think there aren’t as many these days

    3. MsM*

      I’ve always found the biggest appeal of watching NCIS to be the “why are you trying to pass that off as accurate DC geography?” game.

      1. Aerin*

        Always fun to see a shot where they clearly mirrored it to put the ocean on the correct side…

    4. Martin Blackwood*

      A couple scenes of The Last of Us (iirc?) was filmed at my college. While classes were going on! (right as covid was clearing up, so iirc people only had a couple classes on campus) I keep meaning to watch that to see if my memory of which zombie show was right

      1. Frost*

        I was teaching then! My class was on the ground floor and a couple of crew members watched the whole thing through the window.

        Appropriately for this question, the show was often dark.

    5. Jinni*

      My favorite is pinpointing the neighborhood in LA that’s a stand in for a cold place (Good Girls did this poorly) and looking for the palm trees… Actually Alias was fun for this as well.

    6. tinyhipsterboy*

      FWIW, I find it really amusing when shows get where I live wrong! Medium was set in Arizona and constantly got distances wrong and routinely said things that made no sense, but I found it really entertaining. Obviously that might not be true for everyone, but if a coworker asked me if Arizona was really like what Medium showed, I wouldn’t be annoyed – just amused and happy to chat a bit.

      1. Global Cat Herder*

        Justified was like that with distances in Kentucky. Raylan would drive from Lexington to Harlan and back like he was swinging by the grocery store on his way home. They really needed to put a map on the wall in the writer’s room – from Lexington to Harlan is 3 hours one way.

  16. Grawl*

    My coworkers had whole discussion about Baby Reindeer when it came out… As long as you can kind of say “it’s dark” or give vague warnings like others have said you’re good in terms of being worried about getting someone to watch a show they weren’t prepared for haha. In terms of being worried people will think you’re condoning actions or certain things, most people really don’t assume that unless it’s a Very Politically Controversial show (though less like Veep and more like talking about how much you like the Tucker Carlson Show lol – and even then I think it would mostly be the case if the political lean of the show is radically different than your work culture.) Curb and Big Little Lies are both extremely popular and in my opinion not really controversial shows, even if the material can be a bit intense.

    1. a clockwork lemon*

      YMMV on this one big time because a coworker telling me they like some sort of problematic or controversial fictional TV show would be a big shrug from me in a way that them telling me (or trying to talk to me about) Tucker Carlson would not be. There is a HUGE difference between people enjoying fictional content and people choosing on purpose to watch a talking head well known for advocating actual white supremacy.

      To give a concrete example: Anyone hearing me talk about watching or enjoying Black Sails (an extremely R-rated drama about pirates framed as a prequel to Treasure Island) may infer that I like pirates, prestige drama, or attractive people canoodling in various configurations. In contrast, anyone hearing me talk about Tucker Carlson without a long set of disclaimers at the beginning may reasonably infer that I belong to a specific political party, hold a specific set of homophobic and racist values, and support broadly harmful social and fiscal policies.

    2. MicroManagered*

      This post immediately made me think of Baby Reindeer!

      I watched it a couple days after it came out, before it was a phenomenon. I recommended it to someone who reports to me when I was on episode like 2 or 3 … before you know exactly how dark the show is going to get. Then that evening I watched more and panicked. Luckily by a couple days later, it was the #1 show on Netflix so everyone was watching it and talking about it at work.

  17. Jaunty Banana Hat I*

    A lot of the time, I’ll recommend or talk about a show with the preface: “Definitely don’t watch this with children around” or “It’s pretty violent/twisted/dark/full of profanity/spooky/fill-in-the-blank, so if you’re not up for some of that, it might not be for you” or “I love it, but I wouldn’t watch it with my parents.”

    For example, I recommend What We Do in the Shadows to pretty much anyone who likes ridiculous comedy or anything vampire-related–but I caveat it with the fact that it can be a bit graphic/adult sometimes (whether or not a given episode actually *is* varies wildly, as does the kind of graphic-ness–some episodes are bloody/gory, some have a lot of focus on sex/orgies/etc., some have nothing more controversial than breaking out of an animal shelter or over-hypnotizing someone), and that it’s definitely not for kids.

    1. Goldfeesh*

      Back when Love, Actually came out I advised her not to watch it with her children- but forgot to give her the “don’t watch it with your parents” advice. Guess what happened. Oops.

      1. Charlotte Lucas*

        I saw Lethal Gun in the theater with my mother when I was in highschool. The “safe sex” scene mortified my teen self. She couldn’t stop laughing.

        3. Reebee*

          I saw “Boogie Nights” with my mom, unawares.

          Thank the gods my dad decided to stay home last minute, because holy crap…

      2. Venus*

        Similar situation with my coworker years ago, but he was lucky! He wanted to watch Love, Actually with his prude parents but they didn’t find the time during the visit, and when he watched it the next day he realized that it really was for the best that they missed it.

      3. Quinalla*

        Haha, I remember specifically telling people not to watch True Blood with their parents cause OMG so awkward :P

        Also, I love What We Do in the Shadows so much, but yes it can be a tough one to explain what the heck it is besides hilarious and weird and definitely hard to give content warnings on as yeah, it varies wildly depending on the episode.

      4. amoeba*

        Huh. That one’s FSK 6″, so recommended from 6 years onward in my home country and honestly, I’ve seen it many times and would see absolutely no reason to not watch it with children/parents/whatever?

        And now I checked and it’s actually R-rated in the US. Wow.

    3. lipstick lesbian*

      I recommended What We Do in the Shadows to my boss because of the episode where Nandor presents to city council. We work for the government, so I thought he’d appreciate it. A few episodes later there’s a vampire orgy which I totally forgot about and the show in general is pretty inappropriate. To be fair, there’s no sex in the episode but that was definitely a blunder.

      Worse was a while later when he told me about his daughter who likes “weird music” so I recommended Neutral Milk Hotel. I was a weird music kid and my parents were super strict about what I was allowed to listen to, so it didn’t register as a potential problem. His daughter is 12 and some of the lyrics are sexual/violent. It doesn’t feel gratuitous (like WAP, lol) but feels mature for a preteen.

    4. RussianInTexas*

      When we were still dating, I recommended The Girl With The Dragan Tattoo to my now partner, and did not warn him it might not be suitable for his 16 years old daughter. Or at least not suitable to watch WITH his then 16 years old daughter. And he didn’t google it.
      Oops

      1. allathian*

        Oops. In my teens I was able to handle a lot of quite mature stuff with no problems, and my parents never censored my reading, certainly any book on their bookshelves that I was interested in was always available to me. And I was 12 when I watched Dallas and Dynasty with my mom.

        But teens may be embarrassed to watch something with their parents that they would feel fine about watching on their own. It really depends on the teen and on the parents’ values.

  18. Moose*

    Whenever I am talking about shows that are NSFW in a big way, I always say “I am not saying I recommend it because really it depends on your threshold for blue language/violence/nudity/etc, but I can say that I am enjoying it.” That seems to work.

  19. ScatteredMess*

    I was talking to someone about Letterkenny (Canadian show, funny, but… a lot of swearing) and mentioned another show that the lead actor is in – 19-2 (also Canadian show, about police officers in Montreal). Really good show, but super dark, lots of violence, sex, nudity, and swearing. (That said, if you liked Letterkenny, move on to Shoresy!)

    I had that same moment of ‘Uh-Oh… what if they watch it and are bothered by those things’. So, I gave that same caveat, the person I was talking to laughed and said that wouldn’t bother them and we moved on.

    I love to talk TV, so I probably wouldn’t get judgy about someone’s watching preferences. To each their own and all that. :D

    1. That Crazy Cat Lady*

      Goodness, I loved Letterkenny. Is it inappropriate? Yes. Could I stop laughing? Nope.

      1. ScatteredMess*

        I have sent people (at work) the clip from the episode at the Lady Parts Doctor. And Daniel Radcliffe singing ‘She’ll be coming round the mountain’ from Miracle Workers. And Tom Holland in Lip Sync Battle.
        I think I might be the coworker people write in to Alison about.

    2. Umiel12*

      Thanks to you, I’m going to check out 19-2. I loved Letterkenny, but your description of it being “super dark, lots of violence, sex, nudity, and swearing” is what ultimately motivated me to check it out.

      2. ScatteredMess*

        I think my Mr Burns ‘Excellent’ Gif is gonna get moderated, but picture me doing that. :D

        There’s a lot of crossover of actors in the two shows, and it’s… a very big difference in who they play.

    3. Excel-sior*

      I discovered Letterkenny about a year ago, absolutely love it even if quite a bit of it goes over my head (in recommending it to others my go-to caveat is “it is very Canadian”). Waiting on Shoresy to hit a UK streaming service as i am too old and poor to try the less, ahem, traditional routes (i would, on the first attempt, ruin my terrible yet financially irreplaceable laptop in a way not seen since the golden days of KaZaA)

  20. HBJ*

    I think it depends on what aspect of the show you’re discussing. With all due respect to Alison, and I generally like her advice, I wish she would at least mention what to do if people are discussing graphic/explicit/specific details (I had the same complaint about the first linked “you may also like”.)

    In my experience, when I had coworkers discussing Game of Thrones, they weren’t discussing cinematography or a random battle. Of course not. They were discussing, in detail, the shock value sexual and sexually violent scenes. As in specifically describing them. I was a lot younger. I wish I’d known that it was harassment and to go to HR when they didn’t stop.

      1. HBJ*

        Oh, I do understand you have other posts about that specifically. Thanks! I just personally wish it was referenced actually in posts like this one or that older GoT post.

      2. the cat ears*

        I co-sign HBJ, I kind of wish this advice had contained some info for the people discussing the show on how to avoid subjecting bystanders to upsetting details they can’t avoid hearing. I don’t think mentioning the existence of a show is inappropriate; I do think it’s rude (and as they wrote, sometimes harassment) to make people around you who can’t leave listen to some of the more disturbing or potentially triggering aspects of some of these shows.

        We’re already getting comments here with ideas like “if you can’t tell the difference between enjoying fiction and endorsing the actions depicted, that’s your problem” and that has never been my concern – it’s that I don’t want to be forced to hear about it.

  21. Anon Today*

    This is completely beside the point and I recognize that I’m the outlier here, but I’ve worked in violence prevention for more than a decade and I’m not sure I’ve ever gone an entire workday without saying something like “domestic violence,” “sexual assault,” “human trafficking,” etc so that particular line made me chuckle.

    1. Buffy will save us*

      Yeah, I work in a similar type setting where rough things are talked about on the reg, so when I recommend shows it’s more about asking if they are okay continuing with that kind of thing in their downtime or do they want more comedy/romance light/fluffy. I have no personal preference so can usually recommend any and all.

  22. Grumpy Elder Millennial*

    When Bridgerton first came out, a colleague gave a super strong recommendation for it. Didn’t really expect the amount of sex / nudity and teased her about recommending “soft-core p*rn.” I wasn’t disturbed or offended by it, so it wasn’t a big deal for me, but I do generally give a heads up if I’m recommending something that involves a lot of nudity, violence, upsetting topics, and if any animals get hurt. And I’ve been glad I did, since a few times, friends or colleagues have said “hmmm, not for me, then” after the warning.

    1. Ask a Manager* Post author

      OMG my mom strongly and repeatedly recommended Bridgerton to my niece, her granddaughter, who was about 15 or 16 at the time. And it’s not like she didn’t know details about sex, but a major plot point of that show centered around ejaculation. My niece and I have laughed and laughed about this.

      1. Grumpy Elder Millennial*

        *snortlaugh* AWKWARD.

        As a teenager, I watched Chasing Amy with my brother in the room and very much regretted my life choices for a while

        2. Double A*

          I did the same thing as a teen WITH MY MOM. And I had SEEN it before I just somehow didn’t register how explicit it was and just remembered how funny it was?

          Which is retrospect it’s not that funny.

        1. Ask a Manager* Post author

          Me too, and much worse! But one doesn’t want it from one’s grandmother. (Then again, my mom also loaned me the book 9-1/2 weeks when she was done with it. I was in high school. It has never occurred to her to censor anything about sex.)

          2. Jay (no, the other one)*

            My mother took “Fear of Flying” out of the rental library. And then told 14-year-old me not to read it. And went out to dinner.

            So….

        2. RussianInTexas*

          I do admit I read much smuttier bodice rippers at that age. My mom 100% left me to my own devices for my reading since the age at which I could read. I also read Story of O which is extremely smutty, as a middle-teen.
          But if my grandma recommended it, I would probably fell through the floor in embarrassment.

      3. Quill*

        My office has been discussing waiting for the new Bridgerton season and I had absolutely forgotten that was a major plot point in season one, honestly.

  23. Jen with one n*

    I’ve made similar warnings when recommending podcasts to people — for example, early instances of the Dollop had Dave Anthony saying uncensored slurs (such as the n-word) when he was quoting people who had said the uncensored version at the time, and I warned people accordingly. I think it’s fair to give people a heads’ up about potentially problematic/triggering content when making recommendations, but I have no issue with discussing/recommending R-rated material to coworkers. As has been said, we’re all grown ups!

    (That said, I might not recommend something that has problematic/triggering content to a colleague who I know it might directly affect).

  24. Lady_Lessa*

    In book club, when this book bothered me the second time I read it, I felt comfortable saying “It approached erotica fiction a little too close for my taste.” I think that kind of phrasing is acceptable for work.

    1. Ask a Manager* Post author

      I just finished reading the Ministry of Time and recommended it to a bunch of people before finishing it, only to discover that the end includes a bunch of explicit sex content, which annoyed me and now I have to go back and warn my prudish sister.

      Anyway, I like that phrasing and it is exactly how I felt.

      1. Anon Today*

        Thanks for the heads up! I just started the Ministry of Time so that is good to know.

      2. Jaunty Banana Hat I*

        Oh man, The Fourth Wing does that, too! It’s such a good book, but the explicit stuff is alllllll the way at the end, and it is VERY explicit in a way it just hadn’t been up to that point. Very glad I finished it before I started recommending it to people.

        1. KatoPotato*

          Ha, my husband, after barely getting started on the “Court of Thorns and Roses” series, mentioned to my sister-in-law that her son (age 9, voracious reader) would probably enjoy them. You know, because they’re about dragons and fairies and such. Luckily SIL had already read them and gently responded that they are a little inappropriate for kids. My husband was pretty horrified at his recommendation as he kept reading the books.

  25. Willa*

    I once recommended an R-rated but very critically acclaimed TV show (The Americans) to a coworker immediately after they told me their favorite show of all time was a different R-rated critically acclaimed TV show. A week or 2 later they told me they watched some of it and were like… kind of horrified at the violence and sex?? Honestly, I think it was more of a shock to them that I (young, woman) recommended such a show rather than shock about the show itself. So, any taken aback-ness may be on them, not you, if it happens!

    1. RussianInTexas*

      I don’t even remember that much sex in The Americans, it wasn’t even on one of the “prestige” channels.

      1. RussianInTexas*

        There was sexual violence, and a whole lot of murdering, but nothing super explicit or gory.
        Yes, it’s all very much understandable what is happening, but there are not going to be actual breasts and genitals. There is some nudity, mostly butts, sexual movements, etc, but it’s not what HBO puts out. It’s very FX kind of stuff.

        1. Yikes Stripes*

          To be fair, FX also put out Sons of Anarchy, and that show was definitely approaching HBO levels of violence and sexual assault, though perhaps not quite as visually graphic.

      2. Frost*

        I’m re-watching it now and there are *a lot* of scenes where people are having sex, though few of them are sexy.

  26. Grumpy Elder Millennial*

    Sadly, there are pretty regular ~discourses~ on the internet about how creators of shows, movies, books, etc. are basically endorsing everything their characters do. Like, if there’s a villain who harms people, the author *obviously* thinks that the villain’s actions are fine. It’s incredibly tedious and I sincerely hope that it’s mostly trolling. But I can’t discount the possibility that some people do have this nonsense belief. Still, that doesn’t mean that we should all shape all our interactions with others as if most people believe this.

    1. mcm*

      this is sooooo annoying to me when I see it online! Part of the reason it’s fun to watch shows about people behaving badly is because I would never do it! augh.

    2. Quill*

      IDK if that’s a problem with fandom becoming mainstream enough that your local shocked reactionary hears of and discusses shows / books / whatever on social media now, or reactionary prudishness from the same corners of fandom that used to require that fanfic with a queer relationship (usually m/m) even alluded to within it had to be locked in a separate archive.

      I do know that I have read pre-internet reviews of books talking about how depraved an author is for acknowledging that a character might have, for example, committed adultery or had sex before marriage, so at least I know it’s not entirely new…

      1. Charlotte Lucas*

        I’ll admit that I don’t care for shows that seem to be promoting ethically questionable behavior. (As opposed to just discussing or showing said behavior.) But I just… avoid those shows.

        And my ethics are pretty liberal, so my limits are not the pearl clutching kind I think you mean.

        I am all for dark humor, though.

    3. Office Chinchilla*

      Back in my Production days, I often had to open any fan mail that came to be sure it was okay to pass along to the actors. (These were the days of “white powder in envelopes.”) I remember one letter sent to an absolutely lovely actress who happened to be playing a villain on our show, detailing how this person was such a huge fan of hers and all the different projects they had seen her on, and then advising her to repent for [things her character did]. I would love to know exactly where the cognitive disconnect was, but it was considered “inappropriate” for me to write back and ask.

      1. allathian*

        Yes, some people really seem completely unable to distinguish between characters and actors, and judge the actors for the actions (and morals) of their characters. I’m not talking about old-time leading men/ladies who basically kept playing the same character in every movie, like John Wayne, but typical character actors who get judged for what their character does on screen.

        When the Battlestar Galactica remake had been on the air for a couple seasons, I read an interview with Tricia Helfer who said something about how people were giving her much more space in public simply because she was known for playing a villainous cylon, as if they feared she’d turn violent if they didn’t.

        Actors are actors, and at least if they’re any good at their jobs, they’re capable of playing roles that don’t match their lived-in experience.

        I suspect that this tendency to equate actors with the roles they play is particularly rife among daytime TV viewers. I don’t have either the time or the inclination to watch those shows anymore, but I must admit that I watched quite a bit when I was working evenings and nights before getting my first office job. Many shows make a point of not having start credits, and of rolling the end credits so fast that I certainly can’t read them, and I’m a fast reader. And now they’re often at least partly hidden by ads or the intro to the next program, or episode if you’re streaming, anyway.

        1. Humble Schoolmarm*

          I’m not sure it’s confined to that. My otherwise lovely and intelligent mother haaaates Meryl Streep to the point that she comments on it every time she shows up in a movie. Why? Because of the way her character treated Dustin Hoffman’s character in Kramer vs Kramer. I’ve tried to point out that her having such a visceral reaction says really good things about Meryl’s acting and my mother will have none of it. Lol!

  27. Consonance*

    My approach with Curb is that I add a YMMV disclaimer if they haven’t seen it or I’m not sure of their sense of humor. Something like “I don’t know what kind of comedy you like, but be warned it’s pretty blue!” I’m not assigning it for them to watch, so that should be enough.

    1. Double A*

      I think also good to warn about cringe-comedy, because a lot of people despise that type of comedy.

  28. HonorBox*

    I think it is appropriate to mention that you’ve watched a show, read a book, listened to a podcast to a coworker without it seeming like you’re giving a stamp of approval to the content. You can always add some bit of warning about themes/content without going into too much detail.

  29. TPS Reporter*

    In the Boston area. Bringing up the Tom Brady roast in conversation is…interesting. Basically I say- oh yeah it’s very funny but also very very dark humor so be forewarned.

  30. Donkey Hotey*

    Thank you for the breath of fresh air. I still have nasty flashbacks for working in Salt Lake City and our team earned a movie party. They refused to watch a very highly recommended movie “because it was R rated” – zero sex, minimal violence, and no nudity but exactly one F-bomb. So the weirdos banded together and out voted everyone else to watch Nightmare Before Christmas.

    1. I'm a Pepper*

      Oof as someone with an intense bug phobia, that movie was a huge no for me, so it would have been WAY WORSE for me to watch than whatever the R-rated movie was! Perfect example of “you really can’t please everyone” and how every person’s mileage varies with media consumption.

      1. Donkey Hotey*

        Very true.

        (And in retrospect, I realize there’s a gap between watching a show and discussing it)

      2. Charlotte Lucas*

        I love that movie! But I stand by my belief that Oogie Boogie is one of the scariest monsters in filmdom.

  31. Hmmmm*

    This can be sooo tricky sometimes. Years ago when Titanic was rereleased I was talking about it to a colleague and she said she was appalled how many people loved a movie based on a real-life incident in which hundreds of children died. I hadn’t thought about it that way.

    1. mcm*

      That’s such an interesting example to me, especially given that the plot of Titanic is not… really about the number of deaths? But it’s also certainly not making light. I wonder what this person would have thought was an acceptable thing to make a movie about, given that the necessity of plot typically means movies are not made about situations where everything is going well.

    2. Expelliarmus*

      I can kinda see where she’s coming from, but I know people who like movies where war is a big part of the plot (ex. Oppenheimer, 1917, Dunkirk), and while they’re not my cup of tea, I’m not appalled that people like those movies.

      Same with horror movies; even if I personally think that some horror movie franchises are churning out a LOT of installments, I don’t mind if other people like them.

      1. RVA Cat*

        This. I also side-eye when there’s different reactions in a very gendered way to the sex in Bridgerton versus the violence in Masters of the Air.

    3. Alpacas Are Not Dairy Animals*

      It’s not rational at all, but my partner and I distinguish between disasters where all the victims would be dead by now anyway in the natural course of time and more recent disasters, in terms of when it’s ok to joke/romanticize a little bit.

      I suppose it’s a good rough metric to make sure that no one who personally knew the victims is likely to be watching…

  32. Juicebox Hero*

    I tend to like my entertainment light and frivolous so I can’t really speak to the NSFW shows aspect, but I can talk about living where a show was set.

    I’m about 20 miles away from Scranton, PA, where the US version of The Office is set. I also deal with people all over the country because of dealing with banks and mortgage companties. During its heyday I can’t tell you how many people I had ask me questions about Scranton and various things mentioned on the show. I’ve never seen a single episode of The Office, I’ve only been to Scranton a handful of times (it’s a small, financially struggling Rust Belt city with its share of crime, violence, and political shenanigans). I’d always reply as cheerfully as possible because I knew they were just trying to connect, but it was still kind of annoying. I’d err on the side of breaking the ice with your colleague a different way.

    And for the record, I don’t listen to Froggy 101 because I’m not a fan of country music, Utz chips are all right but I like Wise (another regional brand) better, and the Mall at Steamtown went to tax sale about 10 years ago. Sorry.

  33. Facilities Squirrel*

    This happened to me yesterday!
    was asked “How was your weekend? what did you get up to?”
    I said that I managed to leave the house to see a movie with friends.
    “oh, yeah, what did you see?”
    as a recovering blurter, I’m pleased to report that I squeaked out “Ah, I’d rather not say…”
    nine people walked out, it was A Lot, a YMMV would not have done the job

    1. funkytown*

      now i’m so curious! i’m trying to think what is super controversial out now… maybe love lies bleeding?

      1. TransmascJourno*

        Challengers? That was my first thought! (Dying to see it.)

        Also, Love Lies Bleeding was FANTASTIC, though I (a notoriously squeamish and horror movie-averse person who famously refuses to watch, like, Gremlins) was incredibly unprepared for how violent it was at parts. It was worth it in the end, but even so, a good reminder to always do a little screening beforehand.

  34. Future*

    It never occurred to me that someone might judge me, an adult, for watching a mainstream adult show and talking about it in an appropriate way at work. Much less that I’d need to preface my bringing it up with a warning that it’s not to be watched around kids. I’d generally trust people I work with to be mature enough to know that adults watch adult shows and that’s pretty normal.

    1. Person from the Resume*

      I am shocked by the people who watch a show without finding out more details even on a recommendation from a friend/coworker. I google to find out details in advance.

        1. Charlotte Lucas*

          This! Back when you could only go by what the box in the video store said, I brought home “The House of Yes,” which has Parker Posey in it and was in the comedy section. Very, very disturbing film. As was “Welcome to Woop Woop.”

          I was not allowed to be the sole video chooser for a while after those.

    2. MaybeMaybeNot*

      I am happy to talk to my coworkers about Breaking Bad, IASIP or Love is Blind. These are shows everyone has heard of, and they already know if it’s for them. They are also mainstream enough that they will not associate my personality with the show.

      I do not suggest my coworkers check out Love After Lockup, or Slutever, as they would not be mentally prepared and would possibly have questions about my judgement.

    3. Aerin*

      My To Be Watched list is about three lifetimes long, so the chances that I would run out and watch a show specifically because someone talked it up are extremely low. At most it might get bumped up the list, but mostly that will just get added to the background “I’ve heard good things about this” data.

  35. Miss Fisher*

    Depends on the Co-Worker and knowing your audience. I have 1 co-worker who just can’t watch 911 anymore due to recent storylines. Very upsetting that they hold those views and another Co-Worker that we bonded over like Twin Peaks and Sense8, which I can never find anyone who has watched so that was a nice surprise.

    2. Lily Rowan*

      They quit 9-1-1 over Buck and Tommy? Yikes. (Also, confirming the character’s name just now, I learned he is played by Lou Ferrigno Jr.???)

      1. jupiter*

        Also, wild, because there’s been a canonical lesbian couple front and center since the start of the show???

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I love Sense8 so so much, but would not ever discuss it with coworkers.

  36. Stuart Foote*

    I mostly agree with Alison’s advice here, but anyone who ever recommends Big Little Lies season 2 is going straight to HR. That season makes the last season of Game Of Thrones look like Shakespeare.

    1. allathian*

      Nah, regardless of what they recommend, unless they offer to supply you with amateur videos featuring actual assault/murder/other illegal acts punishable by jail time that are done for real rather than faked, what people watch and recommend is up to them. If they try to coerce you to watch stuff that you aren’t interested in watching and refuse to take no for an answer, that would be workplace bullying and if you have decent HR, worth talking to them about.

      That said, if any of my coworkers started recommending porn films, I’d certainly think less of them for making an inappropriate suggestion and might consider going to HR. Yes, they’re legal, yes, lots of people watch them, but it’s still far too intimate an issue to share at work.

  37. desk platypus*

    I always be mindful of who I’m talking to when discussing adult audience material. The coworker who grew up very religious with parents who didn’t even allow Disney movies and only just now in her earlier 20s getting to see shows like Grey’s Anatomy for the first time? I’m not recommending HBO type shows with her just yet. Maybe in a couple years!

    I’d also be mindful of how you discuss certain heavier topics and for how long. You may not know if a coworker’s going through a situation, knows someone who has, etc. Once I had to walk away from a coworker who made really gross victim blaming comments about Outlander characters who suffered sexual violence.

  38. DivergentStitches*

    I noped out of Big Little Lies when they had the autistic suitor for the one lady and her friend said something along the lines of, “they say they’re autistic so they can get away with being a jerk and saying whatever they want.” I actually had someone at work ask me if that was true.

  39. kel*

    Some of the funniest conversations I had last year were about House of the Dragon, which was a chaotic show to navigate talking about with coworkers.

    1. kel*

      Also when the 50 Shades mania hit (the book, not the movies) I was incredibly uninterested in reading it. I remember every single 40something woman in my office was losing their minds and one of them called me a prude for not wanting to read it. Was sad to say I couldn’t answer her with ‘it’s just that the stuff on AO3 is better written…’.

      1. Quinalla*

        Did you tell them it’s just Twilight fanfic with the names and a few details changed LOL

    2. Quill*

      I am STILL trying to figure out what my coworkers (in a notably conservative area of the country) would define Aziraphale and Crowley’s relationship in Good Omens as. They’re huge fans of the show, but… if there’s a straight explanation of season 2 I am very curious to know about it, lol.

      1. MsM*

        I’m vaguely aware there’s a straight explanation of the source material, but I just don’t see it.

      2. kel*

        I hope if they bring it up you can tell them this is what was always intended; Gaiman said that this was always part of the plan, it was a three book series!

  40. mcm*

    I have a similar question– my workplace has a music-based slack channel, where every Friday, someone posts a theme and people all share songs relating to the theme. I’ve wondered how much to censor myself there as well — frustrating when there’s a very swear-y song that is a really good fit for the theme lol. I guess I err more on the side of censoring myself there as opposed to mentioning a TV show, since I’m posting the link to the song and not just mentioning the title, but I wonder what others think!

    1. allathian*

      I’m moderately sweary in my personal life, so sweary lyrics don’t bother me much by themselves unless the song is otherwise clearly misogynistic, and in my experience the two often go together. That said, I’m very bothered by some supposedly innocuous or even romantic songs where the main character of the song wants to win back a lost love or conquer someone’s heart by refusing to take no for an answer and essentially stalking them.

      I might post a link to a song with sweary lyrics with a content warning. But obviously it depends on the workplace, if you’re afraid people will think less of you if you post the links, maybe don’t post the links.

      1. mcm*

        the last sentence is sort of where I’ve landed, but I also don’t think most people are going through and listening to the songs, actually, so I’m not sure if it matters. but better to be safe than sorry over a silly game

  41. Heart&Vine*

    I took a day off to go see “My Dad Wrote a P*rno” live at Radio City and my boss asked me what the occasion was. I could’ve lied, I guess, but I said out loud, “I’m going to see My Dad Wrote a P*rno Live”. Then, after a short silence, I realized I had to elaborate and tried to tactfully describe a podcast where every week a man reads aloud a chapter from a very very very badly-written erotic novel his father penned. I topped it off with “Since you’re my boss, I’m not suggesting you listen to this podcast, but if you ever came across it, it’s very very funny”.

    1. Delta Delta*

      The first couple episodes of that are so funny I was literally gasping for air as I listened. I was walking on the sidewalk and actually had to stop because I was doubled over with laughter.

      1. Heart and Vine*

        Jamie, Alice and James said some people have been injured by falling off the treadmill and crashing their cars because they were laughing so hard.

  42. POALTZ*

    People do agree with Larry David though…”the only sane person among insane people” and “saying what we all wish we could” are extremely common sentiments among the Curb viewership.

    1. Charlotte Lucas*

      I used to work with someone who said he reminded her of her father. She had a very difficult upbringing.

  43. Rondeaux*

    Like many things I think it comes down to knowing your audience.

    I’m probably not going to recommend a NSFW movie I like, for example George C Scott’s Hardcore, to the new woman in accounting who I barely know, but I’ll certainly talk about it in detail with a friend who I know is ok with it

  44. Delta Delta*

    I think it’s fine if you watch Whatever Popular Show and discuss it at work. But you’ve got to read the room. If other people aren’t into it, don’t talk about it all the time. Or if someone’s uncomfortable, cool it if they’re around. I didn’t watch Game of Thrones and was outrageously bored whenever my coworkers would go on and on and on and on and on (and then some more) about it. I was, however, a participant in “oh my god that’s how the Sopranos ended!” (for example) but I dialed it back when someone mentioned either a) they hadn’t seen it yet or b) didn’t watch the show.

  45. Daisy-dog*

    Things I have recommended in my personal life, but wouldn’t in my professional life: Triangle of Sadness and Late Night with the Devil. It’s usually movies because those have less time to have broader appeal – if that’s what they’re going for. But I would recommend American Fiction. Hard to pinpoint why.

    For shows, it’s just about reading the room. If I’ve heard them mention similar things, then I’ll bring them up. When talking about Game of Thrones or House of the Dragon, I mostly talk about dragons and battles, not the explicit stuff – though others do as mentioned upthread.

  46. Festively Dressed Earl*

    If you’re talking about R-rated media or things that deal with sensitive topics and a coworker mentions that it bothers them, stop talking about it around that person and don’t shame them for speaking up. That means not saying “oh but you haven’t watched THIS episode”, not accidentally excluding that coworker because [fill in the blank] is all anyone talks about, and not making ostentatious remarks like “oh, I forgot, we can’t talk about [fill in the blank] because SOMEONE is sensitive.” This is on top of all the other comments about knowing your audience and making disclaimers.

  47. Knittercubed*

    Re: questionable viewing…..years ago my supervisor asked me for a recommendation for a scary movie. Horror. They were very persistent and knew I loved film. I recommended Dead Ringers, the 1988 original with Jeremy Irons.

    Turns out they wanted this for their daughter’s sleepover party. Their preteen daughter. The movie is about twin gynecologists and features horrific tools and implements. They were extremely upset.

    1. Lady_Lessa*

      Sounds like they didn’t give you enough information to make a good recommendation.

    2. H.Regalis*

      They really should have specified who the movie rec was for. That’s not your fault at all.

    3. desk platypus*

      Scary/horror movies for preteen girl sleepovers is a whole different ask!!

      Also it wouldn’t have hurt them to read even a single sentence synopsis to say no thanks.

    4. Hrodvitnir*

      OK, as someone not involved I think that’s extremely funny – and who asks for horror recommendations for pre-teens without specifying??

      2. allathian*

        Yeah, I pity the poor preteen girls if they actually watched the movie, especially as a movie-related trauma might make them avoid going to the gynecologist and making any visits even more uncomfortable than they already are.

        I expect that for most pre-teens, Ghostbusters or Gremlins would fit the bill just fine.

  48. H.Regalis*

    In my head, I usually translate “NSFW” to mean XXX, but reading this, it occurred to me that there’s a lot of stuff that’s NSFW that isn’t Piledriving Miss Daisy. Hadn’t thought about that before!

  49. Jolie*

    I am now picturing the coworkers from the office where humour was banned learning about Larry David and concluding that his behaviour is to be endorsed

    1. Reebee*

      I remember that letter. I’d sic “Kath and Kim” on them and dare them to not crack a smile at least!

  50. Know your rights*

    Honestly, if it requires a “trigger warning,” which is annoying as 7734, don’t discuss at work. You never know when an overly sensitive employee will complain.

    1. Charlotte Lucas*

      Ehhh… I sometimes recommend things that I saw when they came out in the 80s or 90s and always remind people that they’re a product of their time. (And that AbFab is the grandmother of a lot of today’s comedies. But with a great portrayal of female friendship. Patsy and Edina are terrible people but dedicated friends.)

  51. commensally*

    I think there is definitely a line where you probably shouldn’t. The first time I ever felt like I should warn the workroom at large that this conversation might be toeing the line of “work-appropriate” is when a couple of coworkers started loudly bonding over their mutual love of “Human Centipede” and then starting to recommend similar favorite things to each other.

    But I don’t think any of the things people are mentioning upward in this thread are anywhere near that line! (And honestly even mentioning Human Centipede as part of a conversation about horror movies would be fine in most offices. But when you get beyond R-rated is when you should maybe think about what your coworkers may not want to know about you.)

  52. Claire*

    we actually love it when people bring up Big Little Lies because this area truly is that beautiful, but no one – literally no one – commutes over the Bixby bridge for work, lol.

  53. Mango Freak*

    This sounds paranoid but the big thing I’d be slow to talk about is honestly *stand up comedians.*

    The line between personal and performance for stand-up is so blurry anyway, there are a whole bunch of comedians I’d be uncomfortable to suddenly hear a coworker praise uncritically, and there are probably other comedians *I* like that might make other people think, “really, Mango Freak approves of XYZ??” when XYZ is something I didn’t know about/understood differently/had indeed decided was only in the background of the work.

    Shows and movies are works with a lot of people contributing, and endorsing one VERY rarely implies endorsing or supporting real-life views. But with comedians it’s just different and I proceed with caution.

    (Also for the love of sanity, enough about those kids books from 25 years ago that were written by a billionaire bigot, we’re grown-ups anyway.)

  54. not the usual pseudonym*

    I work for a publisher and some of the books we publish are actual pornography. There is nothing that is not safe for our work, lol. But even not at that extreme, it depends on your workplace and co-workers, just read the room, right?

    1. Peanut Hamper*

      100% agree. At my old job, very little was off the table. At my current job, we try to navigate around anything that might be traumatizing or disturbing for folks. (On the other hand, I can talk about being neurodivergent at my current job, whereas it just got brushed off at old job because it made other people uncomfortable. Interesting.)

    2. Katie Impact*

      I work with publishers that handle similar kinds of content, and even then, there are people there who want to avoid working with or talk about particularly extreme material, and their wishes are respected as much as possible.

  55. Jim Dandy*

    NPH does the audiobook, and while he is definitely an aquired taste, his over the top delivery is perfection for this book.

  56. Chris*

    As Alison said, it’s all about how you discuss it. For instance, I really like the new Fallout TV show, which is pretty gory in a comedic sort of way.

    I’ve talked about it with coworkers, saying that despite not being based on the plot of any of the games, it still captures their spirit, and how good the performances from Walt Goggins and Ella Purnell are. All that’s fine.

    What would not be fine is talking in loving detail about specific gory scenes. While I may appreciate how the show uses gore to set up or pay off a laugh, it’s not an appropriate work discussion.

  57. Yellow sports car*

    R rates just means not for children (at least in my country). So long as you aren’t working with children (clients or colleagues) I can’t imagine it being an issue.

    I think people associate R rated with extreme rather than just not for children, which is where the bar is – suitable for general adult consumption with tags to help you understand why it might not be for you. I believe we have ratings above R – anything from that category I’d be sticking clear of mentioning at work.

    My take would be if it is discussed commonly in public (eg mainstream radio, panel shows etc), or content wise is similar to what is, you are likely fine – but if you know/suspect someone would be bothered by you discussing the topic steer clear.

    1. allathian*

      The original American Pie was originally rated NC-17 but it was cut to get an R-rating.

      I’m in Finland, and here the movie was rated K-12, meaning that a 12-year-old could go see it without an adult if they wanted. I was in my late twenties when I saw it with my sister and her then-boyfriend, and we were pretty much the oldest people in the audience, everyone else looked like they were in middle school or high school.

      How different countries rate movies and TV shows is largely determined by cultural expectations. Here, graphic violence, especially sexual violence, is much more likely to increase the rating than swearing, consensual sex, or nudity.

      1. amoeba*

        Yeah, same here (Switzerland and Germany) – honestly, I don’t think swearing/language registers… at all? And sex/nudity only if it’s quite graphic, the standard rom com sex scene very definitely won’t cause a higher rating.
        We have ages 0, 6, 12, 16, and 18, which seems a bit clearer to me than the US system!

  58. Ms. Murchison*

    I disagree slightly with AAM’s answer given in re: Curb Your Enthusiasm. Depending on how the other characters and the show handle those HR violations, I might well side-eye a coworker who laughed at a show with a character that was a font of HR violations. (Caveat: I haven’t seen this show so I don’t know how they treat this guy.) It’s like people who claim to enjoy telling and laughing at racist jokes because they’re so extreme and transgressive. If you tell them and laugh at them often enough, and/or if that’s 75% of your jokes, you better believe I’m going to start believing you are racist no matter how often you claim not to be. If you think that a guy sexually harassing his coworkers is OMG so funny because he’s so extremely awful, I’m going to thinking you wouldn’t take sexual harassment in our workplace seriously if it comes from a charismatic man who claims he’s “just joking.”

    Adjacent to the Bridgerton conversation above: I once had a conversation with a coworker about our mutual love of urban fantasy, and she recommended two TV shows to me: Grim and Lost Girl. She neglected to warn me about how racy Lost Girl is. The show turned out to be fun, but I was shocked that she recommended it in the workplace. It’s not something I would ever recommend to a coworker, even if I thought they’d like it. I think it comes down to reading your environment and office culture, then erring on the side of caution and professionalism.

    1. Charlotte Lucas*

      I recommended Lost Girl to a coworker! She was specifically looking for LGBTWIA+ SF and Fantasy. I did warn her about the raciness, but I would not recommend it if I didn’t know her pretty well.

    2. Reebee*

      Eh, you can believe whatever you’d like about people based on what appeals to them on TV and in movies, but that has no bearing on who those people are at their core. I love the show “All in the Family,” not because I love bigots and racists as found in Archie Bunker, but because Norman Lear, the show’s creator, held up that character as a mirror for the nation to honestly see itself. Not at all does that make me a racist or a bigot.

      It’s good to look beyond the first layer of anything, and to spend time regarding other people holistically.

    3. Mango Freak*

      Okay but you don’t know the show so you don’t know the context. LW isn’t walking up to coworkers and saying, “I like a show with a character that’s a font of HR violations” and refusing to answer follow-up questions.

    5. Observer*

      If you think that a guy sexually harassing his coworkers is OMG so funny because he’s so extremely awful, I’m going to thinking you wouldn’t take sexual harassment in our workplace seriously if it comes from a charismatic man who claims he’s “just joking.”

      Not really. For one thing, he’s not charismatic – not in person and not in his role.

      For another you’re conflating several things. Most adults understand that something that is funny (or hot, or exciting) in a movie or series doesn’t necessarily translate into something that has any place in an office environment. Like I was just watching some pieces from the Google IO presentations and they had this musician do a presentation about the some of the new AI features. This is a guy who does a LOT of yelling and wears bathrobes. One reviewer was impressed by the presentation and noted how energizing it was. But I’ve seen enough of his work to know that he would NOT think that kind of behavior would be in the least bit reasonable or appropriate in any normal office setting. Or the people who think that The Office is hysterical but will also agree that if some behavior that would fit into that series has no place in a real life office.

      Also, the premise of the show is not that they guy is joking, but that he is too stupid and clueless to realize just how out of line he is. It’s like saying that if someone enjoys watching physical slapstick where one character keeps “falling” into people and knocking them over, they will not take it seriously if someone starts shoving people at work as long as they frame it as “comedy”. It doesn’t really compute.

      1. Zeus*

        I think the slapstick comparison is a very good one!

        I agree, a show doesn’t need to have someone hold a sign up in front of the camera saying “although the behaviour shown in this show is amusing, the people involved in making it do not condone people acting this way in real life” for it to be clear that the main character isn’t a good person. There are many sitcoms (especially British ones) where the characters are hilarious to watch, but you’d never want to actually meet them in real life.

        (Although from some discussion I’ve seen online lately, it sounds like some people actually expect the sign…)

  59. Coyote River*

    Good lord, Curb Your Enthusiasm is not something I would describe as “very R-rated”. Noone is going to bat an eyelid about you talking about movies and TV shows oriented for adults as your colleagues are presumably all adults. Of course, as with all things, this can vary slightly depending on your exact workplace. What is appropriate on a construction site may not be appropriate in an office, or a school.

  60. JM60*

    For some reason when I saw the title, I was thinking of an in-person show that was entirely adult oriented, such as a Chippendales show. I’m not sure why someone would want to discuss a show like that at work.

    As for shows that have plenty of elements that aren’t workplace inappropriate, I think it’s usually okay to discuss those elements. That being said, it’s even safer to avoid shows that often have workplace inappropriate elements.

  61. Skytext*

    Am I old or just out of touch? Because I haven’t heard of a single show in this letter or comment section other than “Curb Your Enthusiasm” (but I have never watched it). Oh and Game of Thrones (only watched a couple episodes of that).

    1. What name did I use last time?*

      I’m 67 and I’ve heard of most of the shows (even if I haven’t watched them), so I’d say you should go with out of touch.

  62. NeutralJanet*

    Maybe it’s a sign that I’m incredibly depraved, but I wouldn’t really consider either Curb Your Enthusiasm or Big Little Lies as being very, very R-rated! Neither is appropriate for young children, I suppose, but I would be taken aback (and tbh a little judgmental) if anyone at work were offended or uncomfortable by the thought of me watching either – not to say that no one would be made uncomfortable by actually watching them, but they’re both sufficiently tame that if I’m in a workplace of all adults, I don’t find either shocking. I’m not in OOP’s workplace, of course, but if television is a commonly discussed subject, I’m pretty sure that plenty of shows on the same rating level as CYE and BLL are being mentioned.

  63. Peanut Hamper*

    It’s not just sex. I’m good with most things, but every time I go to my parents’ house, there’s Dr. Pol, with his arm elbow deep in some cow’s ass.

    My parents know now to change the channel if they invite me over, because if you’ve seen an old guy (or anybody, really) doing that once, that is enough. (And for the record, I read all the James Herriot books in my teens, and loved them. But seeing that on television is something else completely.)

    1. Millie*

      OMG. My wife watches shows like that. I can’t deal with it, so she always changes to something else when I get home from work.

  64. 11th-hour*

    I noticed the LW used the phrase “oh my word…” and that suggests to me that they might be reserved in some way, religious or otherwise. This is not a judgement, but it would make sense that they would be concerned about discussing R-rated movies, even among adults in a workplace.

    In my experience, folks at work have always talked casually about mature tv content without going into detail. It’s not like it’s porn. I’m kind of a sensitive person and don’t like shows like that, but it seems to be the norm for most adults to enjoy stuff like that.

  65. WorkingClassLady*

    Very few reasonable adults are going to assume that just because you like to watch a show, you think that *everything* that *every character* does or says is role-model material. Movies and shows are entertainment and we’re supposed to be able do discern the difference between Hollywood and real life.
    I’ve mentioned watching shows that definitely have NSFW material, including Handmaid’s Tale, Big Bang Theory, HIMYM and more. Talking about the show isn’t the same thing as discussing the subject matter in detail.

  66. Illogical*

    Some number of years ago, a coworker was horrified to “learn” that I am in favor of vigilante justice, since I watched Arrow. This was so weird that I still remember it ten years later.

  67. Jopestus*

    It is safe to mention even South Park, the epitome of NSFW pretty much everywhere. As long as you keep your manners and do not delve too much into the aspects that bother people during discussions you will be fine. Do not go too much into details.

  68. John*

    Years ago, when I was a corporate recruiter, I interviewed a candidate who was terminated from a Fortune 50 company for discussing South Park at work. I don’t know the specifics of what they said (and I had no standing to judge the actions b/c I haven’t watched the show). We ended up hiring him b/c the hiring manager knew him personally. I do remember thinking it wasn’t fair b/c it was only a TV show. Perhaps things have changed since then? In any event, I think one must be cautious/careful about conversations that are too close to the edge.

    1. Observer*

      I interviewed a candidate who was terminated from a Fortune 50 company for discussing South Park at work. I don’t know the specifics of what they said (and I had no standing to judge the actions b/c I haven’t watched the show).

      Yeah, I’d be willing to bet that it was not just that they mentioned South Park. That’s a show that prided itself on offending as many people as possible so I could see any discussion of it raising some eyebrows. But the real question is what did he say about it, and what was the context?

      Like was he on his last warning for saying problematic things and then he said “Oh, I just watched South Parks and they SOO good in how they went after those f*** ~~Insert target of the week~~”? Or did he keep on keep on discussing each offensive episode even though people had enough?

      What I’m getting at is that it’s highly likely that there is more to the story than a mention or two of the show at work.

  69. lilsheba*

    Be honest about what you watch, it doesn’t matter. I will talk about any movie or show I like or watch at any point. I like what I like and that’s what they will get.

  70. Jen*

    I feel like my library background and my side gigs reviewing movies & books actually helped me with this! It’s all about setting expectations. I don’t think it’s a no-no to mention that you’re watching or reading something NSFW, unless it’s, like, pornography, but you just want to give people a heads-up that they should look into it before they decide whether they should watch it.

    Like, I just finished watching “Fallout,” which I really, really enjoyed – but it’s violent and gory and has nudity and is occasionally crass. At work, I would say something like, “Oh, I just finished ‘Fallout’ and I really enjoyed it. I can definitely see some people being disturbed by it, though!” Or “Bridgerton” (which has half a season dropping tomorrow!), I would say something like, “I loved ‘Bridgerton’ but it has some pretty spicy moments!”

    I tend to be pretty open about what I read and watch, though, and I have gotten to the point in my life where I have no shame about the fact that I spend a good chunk of my downtime reading spicy romance novels and watching professional wrestling, so …

  71. Raida*

    You just say what you like, and if it’s a recommendation you give context – lots of swearing, it’s bloody, walking HR violation, serious themes.

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