how do I work for an insecure boss who thinks I’m spreading rumors about her?

by Alison Green on May 30, 2024

A reader writes:

A few weeks ago, my boss mentioned that she’d been hearing rumors about herself and said if I was the one spreading them, I could just come to her and talk to her. I assured her that I’m not spreading rumors about her or gossiping about her. Because I’m not.

Earlier this week, she accused me of frequently sharing looks with another coworker in our team meeting and asked if we were mocking her or had some sort of hidden animosity towards her. This person and I often sit across from each other (for some reason we all always sit in the same places for our team meeting). I admitted maybe I looked at this coworker because of where we sit, but I promised that there’s nothing like mocking or inside jokes or anything like that going on. Because there isn’t! I don’t think my boss believed me.

I don’t know how to handle this. Selfishly, I’m concerned that my boss’s insecurity is creating some sort of narrative about me in her head and that this is going to affect my career and/or my standing at the company. She mentioned the rumors right after telling me that she’s not putting me forward for a promotion this year. I’m also just worried about her. I’ve only recently been reorganized under her, so I don’t know if this level of insecurity is normal or in reaction to something else.

Before you ask — no, she’s not a new leader. She’s part of the senior leadership in a company that has more than 1,000 employees. Any ideas?

Oh noooo, that’s not good.

Mentioning that she suspected you of spreading rumors about her right after telling you she wasn’t recommending you for a promotion sure as hell sounds like those two things are connected. Maybe only unconsciously for her, or maybe explicitly. Either way, it’s not good.

Honestly, I’d try to get out of there as quickly as you can. Can you transfer internally? Or, any chance you were thinking about looking around outside your company sometime soon anyway? If so, this is the time to do it. If not, this may still be the time to do it.

Working under a manager who’s not only insecure but who’s apparently convinced that you personally have set yourself up in opposition to her — and that you’re mocking her and possibly spreading rumors about her! — will harm you professionally. There’s no way around that. You need a manager who trusts you, feels reasonably positively toward you, and is willing to champion you and your work. You have the opposite of that. (Also, what are the rumors that she thinks you might be spreading?! Please find out!)

To do damage control for whatever amount of time you’re stuck staying, you could try going out of your way to cater to your boss’s very fragile ego: make a point of being warm and friendly to her, and really try to make it hard for her to see you as anything but an ally. Switch up where you sit at team meetings so you’re not always across from the coworker who she thinks you’re mocking her with (which is silly to have to do, but might be worthwhile anyway). You could even go back to her and say, “I thought about our conversation, and I’m really taken aback that you’d think that about me. I want to make sure you know that I have nothing but respect and good will toward you, and if there’s anything I’ve done that’s given you a different impression, I’d want to remedy it.”

If you have really good HR, maybe you could talk to them about what your boss has said and ask for their help navigating it. They should be alarmed to have a manager making such odd accusations to team members … but whether or not they’ll intervene in an effective way is very much a crapshoot. It wouldn’t hurt to try if they’re generally trustworthy, though.

But longer term, this sounds like someone with a very shaky sense of self and an inclination to believe others are out to get her — and who has already put you in the “possible adversary” camp. This is bad, and it’s not something you can fix on your own. I would get out.

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{ 153 comments }

{ 153 comments… read them below }

  1. Antilles*

    Time to leave.
    If your direct manager who is “part of the senior leadership” thinks you’re actively undermining her with rumors, you’re doomed. Doing damage control like the post suggests is a good start, but that’s just minimizing the harm, you’re still doomed long term.

    1. Triplestep*

      Yep, this is what I came here to say. I worked for the most egotistical insecure person out there (it sounds like an oxymoron; trust me it was not.) Once I realized how it was going to likely play out, I started immediately looking. I was only 3 months into the job and had to stay another year before I found something. I managed to leave before she completed her goal of managing me out.

        1. TheBunny*

          Yes. But also no. People like this manager want the ego boost of being able to fire the person they see as a threat

          1. Triplestep*

            Exactly. She kept asking my co-worker and a few others “do you think Triplestep is looking for another job? I think she’s looking. Is she looking?” She couldn’t stand the thought that I’d get hired before she could fire me. She was also pestering people I collaborated with for details of things I was failing out. The problem was that I was good at my job!

        2. Alternative Person*

          Yeah, but I view it as them showing their insecurity rather than the fault of the person targeted. Sure, they think they win by getting me to leave/firing me, but who’s really winning long term? They’ve pushed out someone hard working, competent and qualified who now gets to take their services elsewhere.

        3. Princess Sparklepony*

          You don’t want to be fired, you want to leave on your own. That’s the goal.

      2. Alternative Person*

        I know exactly what you mean. My one acted like they were right all the time, but I suspect on some level knew they were out of their depth and refused to ask for help. They surrounded themselves with butt kissers and kind but insecure folks.

        I and others tried being reasonable for way too long before the writing on the wall became apparent.

        I was laid off, but I had already accepted a new position by the time the hammer fell.

        I compared notes with someone else who saw a different side of it and WOW. I have even more side eye for that manager and their management. The whole thing is a mess that I am well away from.

      3. nonprofitpro*

        I had the same thing happen, but I was too late on the uptick because we were so busy. My manager was successful in firing me for her ego even though they were absolutely drowning and couldn’t find which way was up. I just accepted an offer this week after 10 months of unemployment followed by part-time work.

        That manager (running a non-profit) ended up getting fired before the New Year due to their protector (spouse on a board that had the capability to help keep them in the clear) wasn’t on that board anymore.

    2. Green Goddess*

      100% this. Time to leave or transfer. I had a boss like this too. She was an Executive VP and I was a VP and she was convinced I wanted her job. Same type of accusations (spreading rumors, undermining her) that were not true. I only spoke and acted positively about her. She was very prickly and I am very friendly so she invented this whole fiction that I was friendly because I was trying to get her job. I tried to reassure her I absolutely did not want her job. I even flat out told her I did not want her job and wasn’t trying to get it (her role would have been a nightmare for me). I was actually looking to break into an adjacent field with better work/life balance and more money. When I gave my notice and let her know I was pivoting she was completely shocked. She couldn’t believe I really didn’t want her job. Then when it finally sunk in she was upset because I was leaving.

  2. I'm just here for the cats!*

    I sure hope the OP has a good HR. In fact, I would send an email to boss outlining everything she has mentioned and say that you feel horrible that she thinks such bad things about you, with no proof of anything. And explain that you don’t want any repercussions.

    Can HR look into why the boss didn’t promote you? What reason did she give?
    I really think you need to 1. look elsewhere, and 2 have a frank conversation. This boss sounds paranoid.

    1. Grumpy Elder Millennial*

      The challenge is that you can’t really have a frank conversation with someone who’s paranoid. They’re going to take everything you say as some sort of attack or attempt to undermine or manipulate. These are not people you can be fully honest or transparent with, without risking massive repercussions. Soothing her ego and trying to get out of there is probably the best option.

    2. Cacofonix*

      For the love of all deitys, not an email. Why would people put sensitive personal topics in an email? Just do the looking elsewhere, this role as it is is a goner for the OP.

    3. Lbam*

      Going to HR here is a good stop-gap defense—particularly if you word it as a “I’m getting really weird comments from boss and I’m worried it’s leading toward hostile working conditions” statement—but I’m not sure this is fixable if you can’t leave the department (which HR might also be able to help you do). Even if you are able to transfer, I’d consider getting ahead of whatever toxic crap your manager may or may not fling by having a frank conversation with your new manager about why you requested the transfer.

      Honestly, I’d be running so fast and far from that company…

  3. Zip*

    You can’t fight against people who are paranoid. It’s a kind of mental illness and it’s a them problem that they will always turn into a you problem.

    1. Juicebox Hero*

      Right, anything you do, however small, will be interpreted as a slight against them somehow. Any attempts to soothe or reassure them will just reinforce the notion that you’re up to no good, because an innocent person wouldn’t have to deny that they’re doing bad things, right? Never mind that the purported bad things are completely harmless.

      You can’t win with that kind of person. All you can do is escape however you can before you start second-guessing everything you do, which isn’t good for your own mental health.

      1. Slow Gin Lizz*

        Yeah, I was thinking that AAM’s advice to be as warm and friendly to the boss as possible would probably backfire because boss would think OP was being so friendly because they’re hiding something. Or some other equally bananas reason.

        1. honeygrim*

          I agree. I once had a coworker, “Clara,” who complained to our boss that I was ignoring her. Clara apparently thought that if I didn’t make it a point to speak to her every time I passed her desk–which could be dozens of times a day–I was ignoring her. I told my boss that I wasn’t ignoring Clara; sometimes I might be going somewhere very quickly or I might be deep in thought and just didn’t think about talking to anyone. I said that I would make a point to try to speak to Clara a little more frequently going forward, if that would help.

          A few days later I ran into a couple of other workers at lunch, and they said Clara was complaining to everyone that I was spying on her.

          Sometimes people want to put themselves in the role of “injured party,” and no matter what you do they will figure out a way to assume that role.

          1. Slow Gin Lizz*

            Exactly. Not sure this boss rises to the status of abusive, but it’s like how abusers are never pleased no matter how perfectly their targets behave, because they always find *something* to find fault with.

            1. Pickwick*

              It’s cause for added concern that so much of what your manager does is out of your view, more so than with peers. LW’s boss could be slightly, fairly harmlessly paranoid–hopefully, LW has already seen the worst manifestations!–, or she could be actively seeking opportunities to undermine LW’s work in the eyes of other members of senior leadership. But LW can’t know and probably can’t find out.

              1. Slow Gin Lizz*

                Yeah, I had to deal with a c-level exec at my last job who had other issues (not paranoia) who was actively undermining me to other leadership execs. It was super frustrating because my boss and grandboss knows I was doing excellent work but once grandboss retired, this exec moved in for the kill. I luckily got out of there PDQ when she did so there was minimal damage to my psyche but I suspect my reputation there took a hit among leadership. (But not with other staff, who worked with me more closely and knew I was great and who were not privy to that person’s venomous comments about me.)

                Good riddance to that job.

          2. Petty Betty*

            Some people just really like being the Perpetual Victim. At some point in their life, they realized that they got attention from being a victim, so they now make an effort to *always* be The Victim. It’s their designated role, that they have assigned to themself. The Perpetual Victim isn’t happy unless they are in some sort of crises, whether it involves another person or the world at large. “Woe is me” tends to be their battle cry, or their motto, sometimes their entire modus operandi.

        2. Grumpy Elder Millennial*

          Having flashbacks of being accused of being patronizing when I was trying to be upbeat and accommodating to someone. Good times.

          1. Antigone Funn*

            Yeah, I’ve mostly gotten crabbed at and sometimes sworn at when I’ve attempted to be upbeat while solving people’s problems. :\

    2. CommanderBanana*

      Sometimes it IS a mental illness. My parent had a coworker who was convinced everyone else was stealing her things and attempting to poison and sabotage her. She had untreated paranoid schizophrenia and her mental state was deteriorating.

    3. starsaphire*

      Regardless of what Boss’ problem is – maybe she’s just emotionally stuck in middle school, who knows – I agree with literally everyone here that this is not a problem you can fix long-term.

      Do what you can in the short term, but your long-term plan must be to Get Out.

    4. Daisy*

      I just came here to say this– I have known people who have fallen into clinical mental illness and what you’re reporting is a classic instance of how the symptoms began. Get the person help if you can, but otherwise, get out.

      1. Foxy Hedgehog*

        It is not LW’s job to get the person help. Please don’t put this on the LW.

        1. Former Young Lady*

          Thank you for saying this. Not only is it not the LW’s responsibility, but any attempt could backfire spectacularly. We need to let go of this idea that any given layperson is equipped to fix another person’s crisis.

          1. Irish Teacher.*

            And we don’t even know if the boss has a mental illness. She very well might but she might also just feel guilty about not putting the LW forward for the promotion and be projecting – “I’d be mad at me if I were her, so I bet she is mad at me and she’s probably complaining to everybody about me and wants to get back at me” – or as somebody said she might just be very emotionally immature.

            Not that it would be the LW’s job to solve it even if she did know for sure the boss was dealing with a mental illness.

        2. H.Regalis*

          Agreed. It’s a sad truth that sometimes, hell, a lot of the time, you cannot help people, especially with mental health issues. You cannot solve other people’s problems for them. They may not even want or accept the help! This is especially true of people struggling with paranoia. They don’t think they have a problem: They think they’re normal and everyone else is the problem.

          If it’s someone you have a close relationship with, sitting down with them and saying, “Hey, you really haven’t been yourself lately. What’s up?” is an option, but unless they’re a danger to themselves or others, there’s not much beyond that you can do.

          If it’s a situation like this, where the person is in a position of power over the LW, and they don’t have any kind of close, personal relationship? No way.

      2. CommanderBanana*

        I think this issue – working with coworkers who have mental illnesses – isn’t talked about enough in the workplace. I don’t have any solutions or answers.

    5. Generic Name*

      Yes. Paranoid-style of thinking will twist literally any facts to suit whatever narrative they have concocted in their head.

      1. CommanderBanana*

        This made me think of the Captain Awkward response to someone who was dealing with a coworker with a severe hoarding / OCD disorder. I think AAM has cited it here, or it may have been a crossover?

        I also have a mental illness (chronic depression) that impacted me at work for several years until I was diagnosed and got on an effective treatment plan, so I’m coming at this from the perspective of someone who has had coworkers with mental illnesses and someone who has been the coworker with the mental illness: it is really, really hard to work with / for someone who has a mental illness that isn’t managed.

        1. CommanderBanana*

          My bad, it was bipolar, the hoarding, etc. was tangential, I guess. If you go to Captain Awkward and search for “Cosette” it’ll pop up.

    6. Rain*

      +1!

      I’m sure it’s very upsetting to think that this isn’t something that could be resolved and that she can just drive OP out of her job, but unfortunately that is often the case with people who are paranoid in this manner.

    7. ABW*

      I had a roommate once who was clinically paranoid schizophrenic. I hate to armchair diagnose someone from a blog post, but this dialogue felt frighteningly familiar. I needed to escape that roommate when things got scary, so as much as I don’t want to stigmatize mental illness, I sympathize with being backed into a corner.

      When he said he thought I was spreading rumors, I was really taken aback. Our apartment building didn’t have gathering places or many conversations among neighbors, so I couldn’t picture that people in the building were discussing him, or me, or anyone. I tried to get details–what rumors? Who told you about these rumors? What did they tell you that made you think I was behind them?–but he just responded vaguely, “Just this nonsense, people talk about.”

      It’s really unfortunate. I feel for the OP, a lot.

      1. Zweisatz*

        I hate to armchair diagnose someone from a blog post
        Then don’t. It’s against the site rules.

        We can talk about this boss’s behavior just fine without assuming her paranoid thoughts are clinical.

        1. Grumpy Elder Millennial*

          I think there is a difference between saying that someone has or probably has a diagnosis (which is against the site rules) and noting that you had a relevant experience with someone with a particular diagnosis.

        2. JB*

          Agreed.

          It would probably also be prudent for people to keep in mind that schizophrenia is not the only mental illness with paranoia as a symptom. There are quite a few psychotic disorders out there, and paranoia can be a symptom of any of them; many can be much milder than schizophrenia and can be managed without medication (or, conversely, can slip under the radar unmanaged for many years or a person’s entire life).

          I understand why someone would jump to schizophrenia if that’s the only psychotic person you’ve knowingly interacted with, but not every psychotic symptom indicates a deteriorating condition, and that common assumption can make people less likely to seek help for any psychotic disorder.

    8. inkydeeps*

      I have depression (diagnosed MDD). When I’m not doing good, one of my signals that I’m having an issue is exactly this. I get paranoid, especially about coworkers, to the extent that I think people are talking about me badly.

  4. goddessoftransitory*

    LW, don’t mix up “selfish” and “completely reasonable.” Your concerns are the latter, not the former!

    It’s fine to be genuinely worried about your boss–it sounds like she’s having problems of some kind, for sure–but it’s literally not your job to try to solve those issues for her. I agree that it’s time to leave because she’s going to sabotage you some way or other, consciously or not.

    1. Observer*

      I agree with you completely.

      I’d go further. It’s not just not your job, you CANNOT do anything about her mental health.

      And it is not only completely reasonable and NOT “selfish” for you to be concerned about your career, it’s absolutely the right approach to take.

      Lots of luck with getting out from under her, and into a better place!

    2. Sneaky Squirrel*

      100% this is what I came to the comments to say; it’s not selfish to be concerned that your future earning abilities and career opportunities may be hampered by someone in power who has formed an ill perception of you, especially if that perception is incorrect.

    3. Not Tom, Just Petty*

      Yes, this is a twist of the those AITA posts on reddit. Am I Being Selfish…
      “My boss accused me of spreading rumors and mocking her. I am not doing either of those things. So far she has only prevented a promotion. Am I being selfish if I am worried that her smear campaign against me is doing real harm?”
      No. No, you are not. You are in a terrible situation with a terrible leader who is already skewing your sense of normal. You should be “selfish” right now if that means protecting yourself and your reputation.

  6. Betty Spaghetti*

    I’ve been there. I had a supervisor who was very insecure. I tried looping in our not-so-stellar HR, and the situation devolved to the point where my supervisor started accusing me of things like embarrassing her in front of my coworkers, giving her bike a flat tire, not knowing the basics of my job, not doing my work, etm. Supervisor threw in some sexual harassment too, just to put the cherry on top. If you haven’t started looking already, absolutely do so as soon as possible. Hustle out of there!

    1. MsM*

      I also worked for this boss. In my case, they were forced out, but can confirm the only solution is for someone to leave.

      1. Grumpy Elder Millennial*

        Yup. Someone’s got to leave. Who it is depends on how good leadership and HR are. And how much work you want to put in to try to make it not be you.

  7. Toxicworksurvivor*

    Oh! I had something similarly wild happen to me. I had been at a job for almost 4 years and asked about growth opportunities but was told I wasn’t ready yet. I said “ok” and continued on but there was a very clear change in how my work was scrutinized after that. For example, I was going to surpass my yearly sales goal but was likely going to fall short on one monthly goal and that was fixated on. Like, I was constantly berated and brought into meetings about it and told to explain myself. When I calmly accepted the feedback that was just used against me as evidence of not caring enough. Anyway, I had an assistant who I got along really well with and since she was new to the workforce she had a lot of questions about how workplaces run and things like that. We had a new coworker who I often caught eavesdropping on our conversations. Since I wasn’t getting promoted I decided to look for a new job but in that time my manager said she wanted to take me out to a nice dinner to catch up. I thought maybe things were turning around but before that dinner could happen I gave my notice and manager flipped out. It turned out that she thought my assistant and I were gossiping about her and asked another coworker to keep a notebook of what we said. I found out that coworker was getting in trouble because her notebook was empty because we weren’t saying anything! My managers plan was to confront me with this notebook in a public place. I’m so thankful to be out of there!

    2. Exhausted Trope*

      Oh, my goodness! Nightmarish. Like you were working in The Twilight Zone.

    3. Juicebox Hero*

      Oh, man. Being accused of whatever she thought you were up to in front of everyone in the restaurant with a blank notebook brandished in your face – obviously her spy was also working against her by refusing to write down all the incriminating evidence – would have been a nightmare.

    5. Observer*

      I hope that that coworker brought this to HR. Even “less than stellar” HR should realize that this is a major problem, and also that the Manager’s assessments of staff are clearly problematic.

      I’s SO glad that it’s a *former* workplace! And that you were able to leave on YOUR terms.

      1. Toxicworksurvivor*

        Unfortunately there was no HR to say anything to and the toxic manager was the owner (of course) haha! I was definitely getting set up to be fired, I’m sure of it, as the goal post kept moving each time I met one of the ridiculous demands they’d put on me after asking for a promotion. I gave my notice late in the year and the owner just kept saying she intended to promote me in January all along, which was obviously not true. I’m so happy to be out of there but the scars remain.

  8. CantaloupeNow*

    Completely agree with Alison, there’s no way to fix this. If an internal transfer isn’t possible, leaving the company is the best option.

    Based on my experience with a high level, paranoid, insecure manager, I’d also advise you to document absolutely everything and follow every protocol to a T when you resign. My former manager lies to people about how I left. Because I documented everything as it was happening I have clear proof that she is lying, should I ever need it.

    It’s not always the case, but some people are telling on themselves when they accuse you of bad behavior.

    1. from the field a symphony*

      This is good advice. OP, document what happens until you’re out of there. I hope you find something better very soon.

  9. Betty Spaghetti*

    I’ve been there. I had a supervisor who was very insecure. I tried looping in our not-so-stellar HR, and the situation devolved to the point where my supervisor started accusing me of things like embarrassing her in front of my coworkers, giving her bike a flat tire, not knowing the basics of my job, not doing my work, etc. Supervisor threw in some sexual harassment too, just to put the cherry on top. If you haven’t started looking already, absolutely do so as soon as possible. Hustle out of there!

  10. NYC Man*

    Get out of there before that boss trumps up some made up thing about you to the higher ups and/or HR. Whether she really will believe whatever it is she’s cooked up about you doesn’t matter…. but now anything you do will add to that narrative (ie ‘she’s being super nice to me so therefore she must be hiding something’). Hopefully you’ve been there long enough that it’ll look like you’re just changing things up rather than being forced out due to a paranoid creep. BTW I call this the ‘bad dream syndrome’ – ie they had a bad dream where you were the star and believed that it was true. When interviewing, you just say that the culture has changed and you are no longer “a fit”. Most recruiters will be able to read between the lines and you won’t have to explain that some crazy lady decided to dump on you. Good luck!

    1. Grumpy Elder Millennial*

      This is also a good argument to loop in higher ups and HR sooner rather than later, unless they’re all awful. Even if the LW frames it as “this weird thing is happening and I want to keep you in the loop.” Just give a factual account that X and Y conversations have happened and, of course, you are not gossiping and are committed to professionalism. Otherwise, anything that AwfulBoss is telling them is going unopposed.

  11. Lady_Lessa*

    I had an insecure boss too. Her company was bought by mine, and she was one of the people who came over to us. I liked the idea of having someone strong in the chemistry that I was clueless about. And she was good at that, but she didn’t understand or seem to try the other ones. Think a skilled granola maker not understanding the need for tiny pinches of seasoning in stews or that you can adjust a stew by adding a new ingredient.

    She first pushed for one of her co-workers to be hired, but before I was terminated, she was grilling me for evidence to fire the other woman.

    I don’t know what has happened since.

  12. CommanderBanana*

    I had a very similar experience with my last (horrible) boss at my last (toxic) company. She was extremely insecure and vindictive and accused my coworker and I of rolling our eyes and “exchanging glances” during meetings. Given that our entire team was 4 people, I’m not sure how we were supposed to get through meetings without looking at each other, but whatever.

    I ended up leaving. Honestly, I think you should do the same. She was a particularly vile mix of toxicity, incompetence, laziness and narcissism.

    She did end up getting fired after I left.

  13. H.Regalis*

    I have several family members like this to the point where it’s pathological and has caused them real problems in life: Lost jobs, homelessness, broken relationships, etc.

    I don’t know if your boss is like this to that degree, but even if she’s not, you need to get away from her as soon as you can. There is nothing you can do to stay there happily because she is primed to interpret everything in a negative way. Whatever you’re supposedly doing is always going to be a moving target. If you stop sitting across from your coworker, it’ll become that you walk in a way that’s clearly meant to be an insult to your boss, or something else. Run.

    1. H.Regalis*

      Also, LW, you cannot help or fix your boss, but you can mess yourself up pretty bad trying to do so. I’ve done this, not with a boss, and it was a terrible idea. Learn from my mistakes!

      It’s good that you are empathetic and want to help others, but you can’t solve their problems for them and their mental health is not, and should not, be your responsibility. It’s also not selfish to worry about your career. You matter just as much as other people, and it’s pretty logical to be worried when your boss has made it clear that she doesn’t trust you and thinks you’re out to get her. You cannot help this woman, but she can harm you. Get away from her as quickly as you can.

    2. H.Regalis*

      Story time: CW mentions of animal abuse, sexual abuse, elder abuse, and incest. None of that actually happened and no one was actually harmed in any way.

      One of my family member who’s like this is one of my parents. Over the years they have done the following:
      -Accused my other parent of molesting me, both to their face and in court
      -Lied and said I told them my other parent was molesting me
      -Accused little-kid-me of flirting with men who were 30-40 years older than me: “You were sitting on that bench seductively. Were you flirting with that man over there?!”
      -Accused adult-me of abusing my pets (who they never saw) and threatening to report me to the police and have my pets taken away from me
      -Accused me of being in incestuous relationships with other relatives
      -Multiple instances of thinking other cars were following them
      -Accusing nursing home staff of abusing an elderly relative. That might not sound implausible, but the content of the accusations was that nursing staff was sneaking into the relative’s room in the middle of the night and cutting microscopic holes in their feeding tube
      -Attempted to break into my apartment when I did not return their phone calls quickly enough for their liking

      I could not trust anything they said. They would recount situations I had been present for, and nothing they said happened had actually happened. They’d tell me I said all kinds of things I never said, and the same went for other people. Reality was bent to fit the narrative in their mind.

      2. Despachito*

        That must have been awful.

        Sounds like a huge untreated mental health problem. The person makes others suffer but must be suffering him/herself as well.

  14. Oh Dear...*

    What do you do if the call is coming from inside the house? I work in HR, and report to the HR Director, who is behaving the same way. She’s a transactional, micromanaging authoritarian who hands out non-competitive promotions to her clique, tolerates you if you’re useful to her, and squashes you like a bug if you’re not. It is pure hell, and talent has streamed out the door.

    Job searching again over age 40 suuuuuuuuuucks, especially when people like this hold your reputation and future livelihood in their hands. It’s just awful that bad managers/leaders are afforded so much power and benefit of the doubt by dint of their positions when they cause so much unnecessary damage. :(

  15. WantonSeedStitch*

    Yeah, this is definitely a beehive. Any way you move, you’re likely to get stung. Best to get out. It doesn’t matter what’s caused your boss’s insecurity/paranoia, or whether it’s focused on you or if she’s like that with everyone. It does mean she is not ever going to be an effective boss for you, and absolutely has the potential to harm your career.

  17. Overit*

    At my 1st professional job on my 1st day in my 1st meeting with my new boss, her 1st words to me were a loud warning that I was not going to steal her job from her. because she KNEW that was my intention.
    While it was helpful to know from Minute #1 that my boss was going to be a nightmare…she was a nightmare. Instead of getting mentored and guided in the profession, I was undermined, left adrift, and regularly scolded. Every. Single. Comment or conversation I had with a coworker led her to screech about my nefarious plans to take over.
    You can NOT help or work around someone that paranoid. Make plans to disembark this rat infested ship

  18. TracyXP*

    ” make a point of being warm and friendly to her”

    Does anyone else have a bad feeling that this will backfire on the OP? A horrible paranoid manager is going to assume you are just trying to suck up to them to further your nefarious plot of whatever their crazy mind thinks up.

    1. Slow Gin Lizz*

      Nope, I commented as such on another thread. It’s good advice for the OP while they are trying their darndest to get away from this boss, because if boss somehow tries to ruin OP the boss at least won’t have a leg to stand on (“Why are you trying to fire OP? OP is nothing but warm and friendly to you”), but it’s only a survival tactic at best. Number 1 goal should definitely be to get as far as possible away from that boss.

    2. Observer*

      True. But anyone else who sees the LW’s behavior is going to see that her behavior is fine. Which can be useful till they find a new spot.

      Also, sometimes people like that to respond to being buttered up. I’m thinking of someone I know who is that way. If you are merely polite, you’re obviously scheming against them. But if you hang on their words, compliment their talents and express being appropriately impressed by their exploits they are best friends with you. Absolutely zero self awareness.

    3. pally*

      This was my first thought. LW would incur suspicion from the boss by being warm and friendly. However, Slow Gin Lizz makes an excellent point. Warm and friendly attitude won’t provide the boss with a plausible reason to fire LW.

      Yeah, job 1 is to get outta there!

      1. owen*

        maybe but… boss is ALREADY at that point, and being warm and friendly anyway is at least something the OP can control, and also is visible to any others watching this play out as others mention.

        basically this could backfire on OP but i tend to think that the OP will get whatever treatment this might trigger anyway… if being warm and friendly doesn’t trigger it, being normally professional or strictly professional would, so while working on getting out, it’s probably the best (and most actionable) advice available.

    4. Teacher Lady*

      I do think that the boss may think this, but it’s going to make them come across as even more unhinged if OP is demonstrating a typical level of warmness and friendliness. It would certainly come across as odd to anyone if OP was suddenly acting like they wanted to be Paranoid Boss’ best friend, but a typically-expected level of warmness/friendliness without coming across as over-eager strikes me as good advice.

  19. Smithy*

    Not exactly insecure or paranoid, but I once had a VERY shouty boss. Where a lot of my time with her would be spent getting yelled at, and there was a period of time where every weekend I’d go home wondering if I’d be fired the next week.

    After realizing that this was largely a “her” thing and I wasn’t going to get fired, I basically started doing something every day of the week that I knew she enjoyed. And this was…..going to the store next to our office to by a soda, and then asking her if she wanted anything. She’d regularly ask if anyone was going to the store and ask them to buy her a snack (with her money), and one day I just decided that every day I’d get a Diet Coke and ask her if she wanted anything. That meant every day I had at least one positive interaction with her.

    A few times she asked me if I was trying to bribe her with treats – I said no, but it was also just so blatantly obvious. Big picture it didn’t wildly change the yelling, but what it did do was make my time there a bit nicer until it made sense to leave.

    Was this ridiculous? Absolutely. And I’m not saying this exact approach would work for everyone, but more so to illustrate what it can take to adapt to dysfunctional workplaces and how not normal it is.

    1. Slow Gin Lizz*

      That’s a brilliant coping mechanism, I gotta say. Obv not going to change the overall problem or solution (which of course is GET OUT, OP) but that’s a nice way to cheer yourself up while also dealing with a terrible excuse for a human who is your boss.

      1. Smithy*

        Having a moment once a day where she smiled and said thank you actually meant a lot more to me than I would have thought.

        And absolutely, this was a coping mechanism. But in its own way was an empowering way to reposition the situation. I could take control by applying for new jobs and in the interim, I could also take control by buying her chocolate or whatever else once a day. She did always pay for her snacks and this was a task that genuinely appealed to her. So not saying this exact thing would work for everyone, but really to contextualize what position the OP is in. When someone is functioning at that level of dysfunction, these are the kinds of options that end up being available.

        1. Slow Gin Lizz*

          Yes, it’s a brilliant move on your part. I bow to your wisdom, oh Smithy. (That sounds sarcastic, sorry, but I meant it sincerely!)

    2. Dust Bunny*

      I’m going to second this.

      My mother isn’t shouty but she has an amazing knack for making all kinds of innocuous things All About Her, in negative ways. Yes, I absolutely bribe her with treats, even if I don’t feel like it. Want to go to breakfast, Mom? I’m going to make tea–do you want a cup?

  20. Not on board*

    “how do I work for an insecure boss….” You don’t. I know easier said, than done, but that was my instinct when I read the title. Work on getting out of there.
    Only other thing you can do is to document every instance of her unreasonable accusations so that if/when something happens you have something to CYA.

  21. HomebodyHouseplant*

    ugh i had an incident like this when I was luckily already on my way out at my old job. was having a 1 on 1 with my boss and she mentioned that another employee told her that I said something that would have been extremely out of character for me. I did not say this. but when I said I didn’t my boss for some reason did not believe me. I didn’t have a reputation for anything like that and it was bizarre. to me it was obvious the other employee was the one spreading rumors (literally fabricating something to my boss to make me look bad) but it was really demoralizing and made me feel terrible. people that do this sort of thing are often the source of their own drama and want to push that on everyone else. projection.

  22. Festively Dressed Earl*

    Until you can get out of the beehive, CYA thoroughly. Follow up/summary emails every time your boss gives you an assignment or feedback, keep a Word document of the who/what/when/where/why for important phone calls, clear communication in writing about important actions you take, and a personal log of the things you get accomplished each day. If your boss presents her paranoia as fact in a way that hurts you, you’ll have something concrete to rebut with to a hopefully reasonable higher-up.

    Also, if Alison’s advice doesn’t stop the accusations, you have nothing to lose by professionally pushing back. Calmly ask your boss what specific, concrete evidence led her to that conclusion and don’t accept vibes or funny looks as an answer. It probably won’t get her to rethink, but it may take the wind out of her sails and it may help you if she tries to undermine you in front of others.

  24. Ashley*

    Is it possible she has someone who is making up gossip about you?
    Definitely try not to sit across from or next to the meeting person … and bonus points for mixing it up more if you can. (It is amazing how people have ‘their seat’ even as adults.)

  25. Dawn*

    Sergeant Colon – when he was briefly promoted – once accused a constable of “nostrilling” him (like eyeballing) and it was because he was actually terrified that someone would notice that he had no idea what he was doing.

    I suspect Mr. Pratchett was rather perspicacious about that.

    1. Nea*

      Mr. Pratchett was perspicacious about many, many things and oh, he is missed!

      OP, your boss is policing your eyeballs! Once someone has decided that where you look is a problem, there isn’t going to be anywhere safe *to* look! Run far, run fast, run screaming!

  26. Red5*

    I’ve worked for this boss. Not only were they paranoid and insecure, they also liked to vent – loudly – to anyone who would listen about their scapegoat. I was able to get out with a promotion to another office in my organization across the country, but not before boss tried to sabotage my job offer by giving a poor reference. Looking back now, I feel like my career and reputation might have been torpedoed completely – along with my mental health – if I’d tried to stay. I think Alison’s advice of trying to paint yourself as an ally instead of adversary is the best thing you can do immediately, but in the long term, getting transferred or getting a new job is probably going to be a necessity.

    1. Spring*

      How did you get around the bad reference? I can’t even imagine a scenario that goes well when it has to start with, “I know this sounds crazy, but my boss is paranoid.”

      1. JSPA*

        sometimes the boss’ reputation precedes them. But sounds like the LW doesn’t have that luxury.

  27. PotsPansTeapots*

    This sounds a bit like my former toxic grandboss who never saw a benign work situation she couldn’t make overly and uncomfortably personal. This will not get better; get thee to a different reporting line or different company altogether.

  28. HonorBox*

    OP, I think you need to talk to HR. Three goals in that conversation: First, is there a way to immediately transfer to report to someone else. Second, is there an explanation documented related to why you weren’t promoted. Third, to open their eyes to this situation and get input/help. You’re being accused of something you’re not doing, and with no proof. You’re not being evaluated in good faith and your direct supervisor is undermining you because they are clearly paranoid. Who else is this happening to?

    Maybe you have good HR and they can help. And if not, you’re at least shedding light onto a problem that they’ll likely have to address in the future, because it will continue.

    And finally… start looking and quickly. Maybe HR can help you navigate this in the short term. Heck, maybe they can help navigate this long-term. But my sense is that you may need to jump at an opportunity elsewhere.

  29. DrSalty*

    Run, do not walk, away from this lady. She is telling you right now she’s unhinged.

  30. Margaret Scratcher*

    Yeah, start planning your exit strategy. It’s extremely unlikely that your boss is going to change her mind about you, no matter what you do.

    Many years ago, my boss decided that I was after his job, and so he interpreted everything I did as trying to undermine him. I did my job really well and got praise for it? I was trying to show him up. Anytime I made a mistake, no matter how small? I was trying to make him look bad. If I was nice to him, I was trying to suck up, but if I wasn’t obsequious enough, he’d remind me he could fire me at any time and I was completely replaceable. (Great for morale!)

    The irony, of course, is that in the end, he was pushed out by the CEO and I got laid off, so I guess someone WAS out to get him after all? It just wasn’t me.

  31. Former Young Lady*

    OP, I survived 8 months with a boss like this last year. She lived in her own reality, and no matter what I said or did in our meetings, she would create an alternate narrative where I behaved like a villain in a two-star TV movie. She was insecure because she was grossly underqualified and she was in over her head. She projected this stuff because she was terrified her underlings’ competence would expose her lack thereof.

    We must have been close, because I was scrambling madly to get out from under her when she — serendipitously — resigned. It was only after she left that I learned I wasn’t her only target. My team and I are still recovering from the damage she did, and she’s now been gone almost as long as she was in that role.

    By all means, keep your head down and try not to activate any landmines until you find an escape hatch. Ultimately, though, you cannot win with someone whose ego is this brittle and bombastic.

    1. RubyRoo*

      OMG this is my dream. Boss is in a new, expanded role and I think similar to your situation, she’s at sea. I would love for her resign, but I don’t think it’s gonna happen.

      1. Former Young Lady*

        Yeah, I am very fortunate, and I know it!

        I hope your situation resolves in the best possible way, whatever that looks like. I wish you as much peace of mind as possible, in the meantime!

    2. Lisa Simpson*

      I had a boss like this too! I looked her up on LinkedIn and she’s just been bouncing up and down the Eastern Seaboard in one year stints in the same field. Maybe it was her!

  32. Dust Bunny*

    Start job hunting.

    You can’t fix this because “fixing” it depends on your boss completely changing her perception of you, the narrative in her head, her personal insecurity, and a whole lot of other things that you can’t influence, much less control. I think you’re absolutely right that this is going to be an obstacle for you.

  33. Sparkles McFadden*

    Run, OP. Run as fast as you can. An internal position would be ideal but look outside your company as well. I can tell you from experience that this will only get weirder. You cannot placate a boss like this. If you do things well, you are showing her up. If you make a mistake, it’s because you are intentionally trying to make her look bad. If you go out of your way to be nice, you’re a phony. If you just stay out of her way, you’re being rude and freezing her out. Anything you do will be interpreted as an attack or an intentional slight.

    My loon bucket of a boss escalated to giving me incorrect information in the hopes that I would screw up an assignment, or she’d give conflicting instructions via email and in person so she could document my “failure to follow instructions.” Then she’d melt down when I’d send an email saying “Just confirming that you want me to do this…” to document her made up instructions.

    Speaking of documentation: document like crazy. I’d be wary about going to HR (because stuff like this is nebulous and gets classified as a “personality mismatch” especially if women are involved), but you’ll need documentation if your paranoid boss goes to HR about *you.* My boss did exactly that, and I slapped down a stack of printouts while my boss had nothing but her paranoid ravings. HR didn’t do anything about the boss, but they told me I’d be safe in that job until I could move to another department.

    I haven’t read the other comments yet but I am betting I’m going to be reading a whole pile of comments saying exactly what I’ve said here.

    1. yeet yeet yeet*

      YES OH MY GOD DOCUMENT. This was key for me escaping a similarly bonkers situation with my reputation intact.

    2. Sara without an H*

      Ditto. Document everything, and keep your notes off site. Retain all emails, even those that seem routine or trivial. Meanwhile, do your job impeccably. Look for opportunities to work with people in other departments — doing so will help protect your reputation and may turn up opportunities elsewhere in your company.

      But don’t wait around — start a job search now. Check out the AAM archives for Alison’s advice on resumes, cover letters, etc.

      Please remember that this is not a “you” problem — it’s your boss. There is no combination of words, charm, positive thinking, or Jedi mind tricks that will fix your relationship. Your top priority should be finding another role. Somewhere, anywhere. But get out from under this manager.

      Good luck and please keep us updated.

    3. Former Young Lady*

      This is such a perfect description of what it’s like to endure a boss like this. I want to go back in time a year and give it to my younger self with a note that says, “You’re not the one who’s unhinged. She is.”

  34. WorkingForMyCat*

    I had a roommate like this: accused me of being sarcastic and belittling. I pushed back and went to written-only communication. She changed the accusations to say I was too loud. I pushed back. Then that I was making “smirking sounds” at her. (Never figured out what she mean, didn’t ask.) Then she started stalking and harassing me.

    You cannot handle someone like this just by being professional and polite. You have to get away.

  35. yeet yeet yeet*

    something similar happened to me really recently – like, two weeks ago, really recently.

    you CANNOT fix this. you need to get away from your boss. if you have a company of thousands – can you transfer to another department? how’s your tenure/reputation? are you comfortably mid-senior with flexibility? how’s your relationship with your grandboss?

    in my case, I ended up getting transferred away from my boss, and things quickly unraveled to reveal that my former boss had A LOT of other issues as well. the only way i could do that was by going first to my grandboss, and then to another senior leader with whom I’d built a lot of trust, telling him that I had SERIOUS supervisory issues that went beyond personality conflicts, and showing him documented proof that my supervisor was saying things that were, honestly, completely out of line. this aligned with her generally…less-than-ideal behavior in meetings, so it was easier than I had assumed it would be to convince those above both of us to reassign me.

    but by the time that had happened I was looking for other jobs. if your boss is literally out to get you – it WILL NOT end well. try if you can, also, to shore up senior-level references so that you aren’t directing future jobs to call your boss…who thinks you were badmouthing her.

    1. RubyRoo*

      Transferring is a really attractive option. I have great relationships with several other sr management leaders and my grandboss is actually the person who hired me and was my boss for like 8 months when I first started (then he got promoted); I know he thinks highly of me. But no matter where I go I’ll have to work with my current manager in some capacity and I’m not sure she’d let go of my scope (which is really big).

  36. Insert Pun Here*

    The absolute best case/most benign scenario here is that your boss is coming from the kind of toxic workplace where junior staff did undermine their bosses, and she’s still recovering from that. That sucks if that’s what’s going on, but even so, you still gotta get out of there.

    Many years ago I worked for someone who had been publicly and massively undermined and humiliated by her assistant and another colleague. It was awful. Neither the assistant nor the colleague seemed to face any consequences; indeed, the leadership team knew about the whole debacle before it happened. (Being intentionally vague here about the nature of the incidents.) I felt for her then and honestly I still do. But I absolutely had to move on from that job, because the paranoia—even though it was justified—was just too much to take.

  37. NotARealManager*

    There’s someone in senior leadership at my company who is definitely insecure about me (not in senior leadership). They’re not my boss, but we work together on things and I’ve lost some professional/financial ground here because of their insecurity. I can’t leave now, but in 2025 I will probably start looking seriously.

  38. Industry Behemoth*

    OP, have you heard the rumors about your boss from other people? Or do you have only your boss’s word that she’s been hearing them?

    You mentioned that you were recently reorganized under her. If she’s not unhinged, I wonder if she wants to put someone else in your job and is trying to push you out.

    1. RubyRoo*

      I haven’t heard rumors about her! I think she’s either making it up or categorizing feedback she got as part of the review process (we do 360 reviews here) as rumors. It’s funny because I didn’t give her any negative feedback as part of the 360 because I feel like honest feedback almost always leads to stuff like this!

  39. RubyRoo*

    So, I’m the LW. Thanks for answering my question, Alison, and thanks to all of you for the supportive comments. It’s sad because I love my job and I love my coworkers and I built an amazing team and I don’t want to leave… though I know that’s the right answer.

    I did end up asking someone who no longer works here, but also had my manager one point, about her and this other person said while he hadn’t had my exact same experience, that this manager has a history of driving off strong, competent women (which does describe me) and that she’s always been insecure and defensive.

    Special thanks to folks who pointed out that worrying about my career isn’t selfish. You guys are the best.

    1. RCB*

      You HAVE to loop in HR, I was surprised that Alison wasn’t more on board with that but you have to so you at least have a paper trail of reporting this. Especially now that you have confirmation from a former employee that this is a pattern of hers. You may not think it’s important now, but that paper trail can be very handy because you may think that you’ll never in a million years sue them, but if she fires you and you can’t get another job because of her lies and paranoia then you may not have a choice, and you’ll be extremely glad you documented everything formally now. This is definitely one of those “ask me how I know” situations.

    2. BellaStella*

      Good luck, OP, and best wishes for finding a new place with better management.

    3. VP of Monitoring Employees' LinkedIn Profiles*

      “…this manager has a history of driving off strong, competent women (which does describe me) and that she’s always been insecure and defensive.”

      In that case, she may well try to block any internal move you might make (because you might still “threaten” her job from within).

      Would she use industry connections to sabotage your external job search?

    4. Observer*

      that this manager has a history of driving off strong, competent women

      That does change things in one way- it means that if your HR is competent, you *might* be able to actually push her out. Because what you are describing is illegal- it’s gender based discrimination.

      Can you get your colleague to give you some more information in writing? If yes, you could go to HR and explain that your boss is making all of these ridiculous accusations against you and you believe it’s because you are a woman who doesn’t conform to what she thinks a woman should act like. Again, any competent HR is going to take that seriously if you are in the US. They may not care about discrimination per se, but the ARE going to care about the legal liability.

  40. Excel-sior*

    A really quick and easy way to make sure people talk about you behind your back is to keep asking them if they’re talking about you behind your back.

    2. RubyRoo*

      THIS! I was so taken aback by both remarks she made that I wanted to talk to my coworkers to see if they’d experienced something similar, but I was like… then am I doing what she accused me of?

      1. owen*

        no, because at this point it’s not rumours!

        i think you mentioned elsewhere that you have a good relationship with your grandboss, is it good enough (and do you trust their handling of it enough) that you could bring this up informally with them? obviously only do this if you think its safe, and that they will not immediately turn around and tell your boss that you said this….

      2. Wendy the Spiffy*

        On the one hand, sort of (but to Alison’s point, you should do some sleuthing to get a better handle on what’s happening). On the other hand, you’re already doing the time, might as well do the crime, so to speak.

  41. BellaStella*

    Boy howdy this week at AAM has resonated a lot with me. This one is on the nose, too. Currently dealing with a grandboss who is an insecure, ‘I am never wrong’, ‘I have to be in all the events’, narcissist who lies.

    OP, this will not end well. Try to transfer, please. Document the hell out of everything. Protect yourself.

  42. Olive*

    This is so unfortunate.

    I hate this in combination with the 700 word resignation question. Like I absolutely agree that writing a long and detailed resignation letter isn’t going to reflect well on the person leaving the company, but I saw some words like “fool” and “unhinged” and I can feel the unfairness of how people leaving have no recourse and no good way to be honest about what’s gone wrong.

    But while looking to leave, I’d be documenting like crazy. Even if the job is unsalvageable and HR does nothing to help, the person who gets their story out first is at an advantage, and that could help with recommendations, industry reputation, and being able to push back and eventually resign instead of being unfairly fired.

  44. MicroManagered*

    If this were me, I’d ask to revisit the conversation, but instead of just reassurance, I’d really want to know exactly how she concluded I was the one behind the rumors. I’d also be dying to know what the rumor is, to better understand how in the hell it could’ve connected back to me — but that might not be productive to ask.

    I’d modify Alison’s script just a bit:

    “I thought about our conversation, and I’m really taken aback that you’d think that about me. I want to make sure you know that I have nothing but respect and good will toward you. Did something happen to make you think I was behind the rumor? ” and, if it’s true, I’d add “I don’t even know what the rumor is.”

    1. learnedthehardway*

      I’m not sure it will help to inquire about the what the rumor was or how the manager supposedly heard about it – esp. given the OP’s statement that a former colleague has confirmed that this manager has a history of driving off strong female workers.

      I might do as much as express serious disappointment to my manager that they would believe such a thing about me and that they would make such accusations. But I would do that in the context of also talking to HR about the larger pattern, documenting all of my interactions, etc. etc.

    2. metadata minion*

      Given the further information we have from the LW, this sounds like it probably wouldn’t help. I think this would be a good idea for a one-off thing where some signals got crossed and the manager was making the accusation in good faith. In that case both people want to figure out what happened and then move on from it. But in this case it sounds like the manager just has it out for the LW and moreover has a history of doing similar things.

  46. CutenessCentral*

    Time to leave. Learn from my mistake. I worked in a similar situation and it went down hill from there. My apologies/explanations made no difference. She constantly gaslit me and publicly humiliated me at every opportunity. She was also doing this to other staff members, as well. A lot of it was accusations of eye-rolling/mocking her and gossiping.

    I made the mistake of staying for several years and it took an enormous toll on my mental health. It ended when she accused me of dressing like a slut (3/4 length sleeve maxi dresses) and trying to seduce another staff member (a man half my age).

  47. I treated you like a son*

    This reminds of the letter from a woman who was jealous of an attractive employee and began treated her poorly and lied about her to other colleagues. If I’m thinking of the right letter, it led to firing, a court case, bad stuff… So in other words like everyone else is saying, get out.

    1. Liz the Snackbrarian*

      Thankfully in that case the LW was, after fiting, able to get help for her issues that were driving the whole thing. In this instance I hope LW is able to move on to a new job quickly–it’s not her job to resolve her boss’s issues.

  48. Maria*

    OP, I strongly advise you to run from this job as fast as you can. What I’ve learned the hard way is that there are work situations you simply cannot fix.

  49. Raida*

    Not good advice:

    “Hey, if I hear one. single. word. about me spreading rumours and gossip about you I’m gonna know it came from you. So since I don’t engage in gossip, and since I don’t have in-jokes about you, and since I don’t talk shit about you, you are gonna stop this line of thought immediately.
    If I think you are damaging my reputation with whatever your issues are, there’ll be words.
    This had *better* be the last we talk about this. Got it? Yes? Good.”

    1. learnedthehardway*

      Honestly, that’s not the worst advice – sometimes, offense is the best defense. Just make sure you can back it up.

    2. linger*

      Also bad but maybe slightly better advice (in that it might at least change the surface behaviour… though you’ve still got to escape):
      “The only thing I’d heard about you is that you have a history of using baseless accusations to block promotions for and then drive away female subordinates. I hadn’t given that much credence, and I look forward to seeing some counter-evidence.”

  50. Free Meerkats*

    make a point of being warm and friendly to her, and really try to make it hard for her to see you as anything but an ally.

    For the paranoiac thinker, this will cement the thoughts. “Obviously LW is trying to allay my suspicions; they MUST be true!”

  51. TheBunny*

    Flee. LW it’s time to flee.

    I had a manager like this. She would ask me what a coworker and I discussed at lunch. She would come launching out of her office to hear conversations that she couldn’t and if she was able to hear part of them I would have to explain what she heard… once so extreme as myself and another coworker were complaining about the new ketchup the burger place near us started using. I said “I really don’t like it. Not at all.

    This turned into a 10 minute conversation in which I had to explain what I was talking about, why it wasn’t her I was discussing (to this day I don’t think she believes we were discussing ketchup) and became a lecture in which she advised I was to only speak to her directly if I had any concerns about my job. No comments to coworkers, only to her.

    She also constantly thought her team was lying to her. Which made it impossible to have an answer that changed as a situation evolved because you then had to explain why…and because I have more info or something else was NOT the answer.

    So…flee. It’s not going to get better. That kind of crazy is influenced by insecurity and it just doesn’t get better.

  52. Anon Worker*

    I think leaving is your best option. While you can talk to HR about why you weren’t promoted, it sounds like it would be hard to prove anything if the conversations are one on one. It sucks to be happening, but not sure yet how you would be able to help show it.

    1. TheBunny*

      This.

      And when the behavior is this bonkers, complaining about it feels bonkers as it’s tough to prove unless you are one of the people in the conversations.

  53. Bert*

    off topic:

    Alison would you consider an article on weird or funny things staff have said to managers?

    I’ve had several.. interesting… discussions with my staff over the years and I’m sure others have to.

  54. Brad Deltan*

    Besides trying to get TF out of there ASAP, I would also contact a good attorney who knows workplace/employee law and talk to them about two parallel tracks:

    1. Are you (or your boss) in any way able to enjoy protected status? (e.g. age or gender discrimination, etc) Because your boss is flat-out insane and if you have any protected status you probably can sue the crap out the company about it. However, that will also bring you to….

    2. …the attorney can guide you on how to get EVERY interaction with your boss *in writing*. You should not accept that your boss **nixed your promotion** just because they’ve got an insecurity complex. And if it’s something more directly malicious than insecurity, that’s even more reason to document EVERYTHING and have it ready for either HR or a lawsuit.

    The bottom line here is that your time at this company is rapidly coming to an end. Either your boss is insane and you cannot work for them, or they’ve got a reason to force you out and this is their (bananapants) strategy for doing so. Either way, you’re not going to be there much longer. The best you can hope for is to get a better job ASAP. But since you can’t count on that, you need to be prepared, legally, to fight for your rights…and that may very well include financial recompense through a legal settlement.

    And hey, maybe you’ll get REALLY lucky and get a new job AND expose your boss as a psychopath to their own supervisors! :)

  55. Kate*

    Ugh. Get out if you can. I worked for one of these and it escalated to yelling and sexual harassment of me and my co-worker, of whom she was incredibly jealous because we knew more than she did (and also, I think, because we were younger). We filed a complaint which was “resolved”, but management saw she was a danger and were able to get her to retire within a few months. A huge relief, but we were so lucky! Hope you have a good outcome.

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