updates: my boss keeps leaving her kid with me, and more

by Alison Green on May 30, 2024

Here are three updates from past letter-writers.

1. My boss keeps leaving her kid with me

I am the person who kept having to watch over their manager’s kid during my shift (from this post). I appreciate everyone’s input, and I wanted to thank you for your advice. When I said I was “in my 20s,” I meant very early 20s. I’d had only one job before this one, and it was arguably even more dysfunctional, so all the feedback really opened my eyes. Even with the limited information I gave, it was so obvious to others that I needed to quit, but doing so felt like a death sentence to me.

I want to say that I have never gotten any inkling that “Ripley” was in danger. I know some people were worried about that. I kept a close eye out for concerning comments/behavior, but there was nothing that alarmed me. I just think the kid was bright but woefully understimulated and didn’t know how to get the attention they needed. I did start taking a firmer approach to their behavior, though it didn’t change much. I also took a stab at your advice on broaching the subject with my manager. I was met with a serious hostility, and then she started cutting my hours. I don’t envy her position, and I understand why it was easiest for her to lash out at me, but I was still pretty angry.

I spent a few months applying for jobs and ended up getting a new job in a completely different field. The hours are terrible, the pay is terrible, and I really like it anyway. I think this is what I’m meant to be doing. I’m planning on going back to school so that I can progress in this field. I really feel like I have direction for the first time in my adult career!

Last I heard, my former boss abruptly quit and sent a cryptic apology before removing herself from the group chat. My 18-year-old former coworker took on her position.

2. I’ve been told I’m socializing too much with other teams

Today is my last day with my current agency. I work in government, and am switching to a different agency as of next week. I’ve had a new supervisor since late October, who is very sweet and tried to do what she could to help, but the fact is that my team is so dysfunctional that she and I both think my leaving is the best option for me, and she’s very happy for me. I’m working with her before I leave to try to write up what my job description really should be so she can work on that for hiring my replacement so the same problems don’t happen again, and I know she plans to have a serious talk with the rest of the team about how to treat team members moving forward and she does not intend to have the same problem again. I’ll still work with them a little bit as our agencies collaborate from time to time, but that’s totally fine with me!

I’ve worked with most of the people on my new team in some capacity and every single one has been very nice and given only good vibes. They all seem excited for me to come join! I’ve also only heard good things through the government rumor mill about this team, which is awesome. And I get my own office! For the first time!

I’m close friends with the people I was going to talk to, but I so rarely go down to their office anymore, even when I’m nearby collaborating with other teams. I’m only moving down the street from the building I’m in now, so we still plan to get lunch :) the problem was really my team and my stroooooong desire to stay far away from them (I share a small office with the worst offender).

I’ve already had my exit interview, which was extremely satisfying. The person who does it is the head of a team I’ve worked with a ton, so he knows me well and is sad to see me go, especially as he now got to hear all the details of why. He said I’ve been set up to fail here since day 1, and he’s very sorry that that had happened, and he wished he could have done more (he personally couldn’t have). I’ve come to realize that for most of my tenure here, I had a really terrible manager in addition to a bullying team. It was hard to see because my manager was so nice, but really, we had so many talks about what was happening and absolutely nothing was done. I never even got a job description after specifically asking for one, and telling him I was doing nothing pretty much all day. So I’m trying to make sure I keep an eye out for those signs moving forward as well!

3. Can I tell my boss I don’t want her job? (#4 at the link)

I appreciated your advice and the input from your readers. Going through the comments made me realize how frustrated I really was. I decided not to lay any of this out for my boss and instead made a general comment after returning from vacation that the break had been good timing since I’d been feeling burnt out lately. Imagine my surprise a few days later when in a department-wide meeting my boss made a joke about how burnt out I was!

This helped me realize that my boss was probably not the person that I should turn to with doubts about the company, my career, or my specific role. That combined with some of the feedback from your post made me take a long, hard look at what I really wanted to do next. I think I’d been assuming that my career trajectory had only one path to one type of success and I was kind of freaking out about why that wasn’t making me happy. I’ve since started a new, lower-level role at another company — no reports and focusing on my favorite part of my old job. The pay is less, but the annual salary is nothing to complain about and I now work 100% remotely.

I did realize that my boss had no idea how unhappy I was. I think I had mentally checked out long before I wrote my letter. I’m glad I didn’t get into this topic with my boss because I truly couldn’t have imagined myself staying. Now, I’m hoping that I’ve found a place I can stay for the long haul, and that I’ll be more comfortable advocating for myself in this environment.

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{ 19 comments }

{ 19 comments… read them below }

  1. anon2*

    “The hours are terrible, the pay is terrible, and I really like it anyway. I think this is what I’m meant to be doing.”

    OP #1, thanks for putting a smile on my face today. Good luck with your new path — may it continue to bring you joy.

    1. Rincewind*

      I really hope it works out. I felt that way about working in elder care – still do! – but I can’t raise a family on $16/hr forever while working insane hours. In a utopia with state-run healthcare (because nursing/CNA work WILL damage your body in the long term) and a UBI, I’d still be doing it. I was good at it and it made me feel good. But every other part of my life suffered for it and I had to change fields to something with regular hours and better pay.

  2. Meemur*

    Love these updates. Does anyone remember the person who was told they had to start clocking in at the office, so they were doing that every day but just going home again and working from there? Was there ever an update from them? I’d love to know how that situation played out in the end

    1. Millie*

      I do remember this post! I don’t believe we have an update from them yet. I’ll post the link below for anyone unfamiliar.

    2. Rincewind*

      Ha, that’s what I do! But I’ve been explicitly told that’s okay, so long as I put in an appearance in the office.

  3. Lydia*

    I will say this to update #2, since Alison mentioned in her original response that it had come up twice. Once is an aberration, twice is a coincidence, three times is a pattern. I’m glad OP was able to see the big picture and that other people in their organization did, too. Good luck in your new position!

  4. A Beth*

    OP#2, your situation sounds so much like mine. I’m also happily in a new organization with clearly defined responsibilities and lots of friendly people who want to see me succeed. Best wishes!

  5. The_artist_formerly_known_as_Anon-2*

    #3) yes you can tell him/her that – BUT – your manager might not believe you. I was in a situation like that, where I worked for an opportunistic manager. Who feared opportunistic senior techies.

    What hurt him most, apparently, is when senior management would bypass him, and ask my opinion on issues. He also would take credit for his subordinates’ work, but not credit them for their efforts.

    He didn’t realize that he was hurting himself in the eyes of middle and upper management.

  6. Project Maniac-ger*

    It feels like the “over socializing” was just the tip of the iceberg for OP 2’s situation. Glad to hear they’re moving into a better team!

    It says a lot about management that they think everything will be fine and they won’t have any more problems when the person RECEIVING the bullying leaves. Yeah ok.

    1. Manic Pixie HR Girl*

      I took this to mean that this was a better situation for OP, as the manager, while supportive, was not in a position to address the behavior. (Not saying that’s great either, it’s not, but now that OP is leaving Manager may have more authority to address the team’s toxicity.)

    2. OP2*

      My new team is amazing!!! I’ve been here about 6 months now and it’s like night and day. For awhile after I started they basically had to keep reminding me that I am, in fact, allowed to touch things and do things and give input because I’d gotten so used to not being allowed to do anything. I just got an excellent performance review that included notes about how easily I’ve folded into the team and maintain relationships with other agencies (collaborating with other teams/agencies remains a vital part of my job, that I happen to be very good at) :)

      Moral of the story is toxic places will be toxic places. If you find yourself doing things you ordinarily wouldn’t, it’s time to consider why you’re doing them and if your environment has fostered new behaviors.

  7. Reebee*

    “I also took a stab at your advice on broaching the subject with my manager. I was met with a serious hostility, and then she started cutting my hours.”

    ———

    *&^%$#@!!!!!!

    1. ferrina*

      I wasn’t surprised to read this. In the original letter, OP described the manager as “combative and routinely says weird and offensive stuff.” Add onto this that the manager thought it was okay to turn the staff into babysitters, and this manager didn’t seem particularly reasonable or open to feedback.

      I’m so glad OP got out of there! That they found a job doing something they love is icing on the cake

      1. starsaphire*

        …yeah, you kinda don’t have to wonder where that poor child is getting all her weird, rude comments and observations. Sigh.

        Good for the OP for getting the heck out of there!!!

        1. NotARealManager*

          Yeah, I have a 6yo and thought the 7yos questions seemed really odd for such a young age (I know children can be brutally honest/curious, but Ripley’s seemed particular pointed). But if her mother’s acting like that too, it’s not a mystery why her kid was behaving that way.

          1. Quill*

            The shaving comment particularly sounds like it could have been picked up during a nasty parental fight – the kid has learned that shaming people’s bodies gets a reaction and she is, obviously, unhappy and bored out of her skull.

      2. Observer*

        wasn’t surprised to read this.

        Neither was I. While I could have sympathy for being in a bad spot, Jane was CLEARLY not in a space to be in the least bit reasonable.

        I’m so glad OP got out of there! That they found a job doing something they love is icing on the cake

        Totally!

  8. Star Trek Nutcase*

    OP2,: Just feel compelled to say a “nice” manager who ignores problems is worse than one who is blunt or no nonsense but who actually responds to problems. Sure, nice beats mean but nice in of itself has no value in a workplace. Please recognize your manager being “nice” didn’t actually benefitted you work-wise. (I think the value of “nice” is one taught – especially to females from birth – without acknowledging its value is strongly impacted by circumstances or settings.)

    I acknowledge my opinion is heavily influenced by my past experiences with more than a few “nice” managers or coworkers who niceness allowed them to underperform &/or make firing them more problematic.

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