weekend open thread — June 8-9, 2024

by Alison Green on June 7, 2024

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand.

Here are the rules for the weekend posts.

Book recommendation of the week: Within Arm’s Reach, by Ann Napolitano. Told from alternating perspectives, it’s the story of three generations of a large Irish-Catholic family that is forever changed when the matriarch becomes ill and one granddaughter unexpectedly gets pregnant.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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  1. Ask a Manager* Post author

    The weekend posts are for relatively light discussion and comments should ask questions and/or seek to discuss ideas. Recommendations or one to two updates on things you received advice about in the past are fine, but “here’s what happened to me today” personal-blog-style posts are not. We also can’t do medical advice here.

    Please give the full rules a re-read if it’s been a while!

  2. Jackalope*

    What have you been reading this week? Share what you’ve been reading and give or request recs.

    I’m reading Divine Might by Natalie Haynes. Following up on her book about women in Greek myth (recommended many times here), this is her book about goddesses in Greek myth. I’m really enjoying it; she writes with her usual snarky style but clearly loves the classic authors she’s quoting and is fond of the goddesses she discusses even if she knows they can be dangerous. Would definitely recommend.

    1. Dovasary Balitang*

      I am reading The Familiar by Leigh Bardugo. It’s fun! I like that the reader knows as little as the character does regarding all the politicking and the machinations of the side characters, it creates some solid intrigue. And I think this is a subtle redo of many of the tropes that were poorly executed in the author’s flagship trilogy (IYKYK): a young woman is unexpectedly vaulted into the social, religious, and martial limelight due to magical abilities she’s long suppressed. I find this point of view and narration much less tiresome.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        I thought Six of Crows indicated that she recognized where that first trilogy went astray.

      3. Andromeda*

        I have never been able to get into Leigh Bardugo — Ninth House should have been right up my alley, but their protagonists felt very fanficcy in the “world revolves around them while they snark irritatingly at a distance” sense. Maybe this is a sign to give it another go! I like VE Schwab, after all :p

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          I quite liked The Language of Thorns, her book of original fairy tales.

      4. MoMac*

        I just finished To Be Loved, a memoir by trauma therapist Frank Anderson. I have mixed feelings about it. Although many of the themes resonated with me, there was an emotional connection missing from the material. Nevertheless, I know a great deal of effort went into writing it so I appreciate the effort.

    2. MP*

      I just finished Angel Falls by Kristin Hannah and was underwhelmed. Working on A Stranger in the House by Shari Lapena. Within Arm’s Reach is on my TBR so glad to see it recommended by Alison!

      1. PhyllisB*

        Haven’t read Angel Falls yet, but I just finished Between Sisters this week and really liked it.
        If you’re used to reading her historical fiction novels, her earlier books may not appeal to you. They have ISSUES, but they’re more romance type books. I like both styles, depends on what I’m in the mood for.

        1. MP*

          Good to know thank you! The only other non historical fiction of hers that I’ve read was Night Road and I really enjoyed it. I’ll put Between Sisters on my list.

    3. word nerd*

      Just read Pandora’s Jar this week and very much enjoyed it! And speaking of recs from here, I’m in the middle of Rust in the Root and having fun. Y’all, I am *such* a giant sucker for the trope of hey, I’m just nobody, but oh wow, I have amazing powers! That probably also ties into my love of fairy tales and fairy tale retellings.

      In last week’s thread, someone asked about reading books during certain seasons. I usually don’t time my books that way, but I did read the novella Last Night at the Lobster (about the last day at a closing Red Lobster location told from the manager’s POV) as a toast to my nostalgic feelings about The Red Lobster going bankrupt because of my childhood memories there, even though I’ve been a vegetarian for years now. The story wasn’t anything spectacular, but it perfectly fit what I was looking for.

    4. Jay*

      I’m more or less reading “The Worst Ship In The Fleet” by Skyler Ram.
      It’s not a classic, it’s not really art, but it WAS free with my Amazon Prime membership, so it’s got that going for it. It’s a light, kinda funny, kinda cringy (but, so far in a sort of amusing way) syfy book. It’s short and breezy, no real thinking involved. Which actually makes it perfect for little isolated moments where I have a couple of minutes, maybe a half hour, when nothing interesting is happening and I don’t have access to anything more entertaining. Lunch at my desk, long line at the grocery store. That kind of thing.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        An excellent book for that sort of reading was Rebel With a Clause, which explores what happens when you set off across the nation with a folding table and a sign offering to correct people’s grammar for free.

    5. GoryDetails*

      Continuing with the non-fiction “A Sting in the Tale” by Dave Goulson, an informative and surprisingly entertaining look at bumblebees, from the viewpoint of the author as a very curious child up through his career in international bumblebee conservation efforts. Dry British humor adds to the fascination – I have learned a LOT about bees in general and bumblees in particular.

      “Out of Left Field” by John Newman – a semi-autobiographical graphic novel in which a nerdy teen decides to join his high school baseball team, mainly because he thinks the shortstop is really cute. Looks to be a mix of finding-one’s-self/coming-of-age/friendship/romance.

      On the creepier side: “Harrow Lake” by Kat Ellis, a novel about a teen whose father, a famous director of horror movies, has disturbingly controlling tendencies that she doesn’t seem to realize (at first). When he winds up in the hospital for a while he sends her to her maternal grandmother’s – an odd move, as they’ve had no contact for most of her life. And as the grandmother lives in the little town that inspired (and was the shooting location for) one of her father’s greatest hits, with her mysteriously-disappeared mother playing the tragic lead… yeah, it’s a kind of meta-horror thing. Atmospheric and creepy, though from the outset I just wanted to get the poor kid into therapy.

    6. Peanut Hamper*

      I’ve been reading The He-Man Effect: How American Toymakers Sold You Your Childhood by Brian Brown, and it is…chilling. I’m kind of glad I grew up without the money for the vast majority of that stuff.

      1. Nervous Nellie*

        That looks fascinating! Ordered at the library, thanks! I always wanted Lite Brite and an Easy Bake Oven, and hope this book will convince me I dodged supporting a propaganda machine by not getting them.

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          EZ Bake Oven! How I longed for one, and because it meant I had control over my own dessert!

          Seriously, the idea was dazzling. I could make, frost, and eat a cake whenever I wanted! (Obviously those “cakes” were probably gross and when you ran out of the packaged mixes you were up a creek, but that mattered not in my glorious imaginings.)

    7. A Girl Named Fred*

      I just started Legends and Lattes by Travis Baldree. It’s very sweet and cozy with plenty of nods to D&D/TTRPGs, so I’m looking forward to continuing it!

    8. Teapot Translator*

      Has anyone read Micaiah Johnson’s new book, Those Beyond the Wall? Is it as good as the first one? My library doesn’t have it yet, so I’m waiting.

    9. goddessoftransitory*

      I’ve just started Tam Lin by Pamela Dean, that was recommended here last week, and loving it. I knew I would when I read the introduction and Elizabeth Marie Pope’s The Perilous Gard was mentioned–it and her other book, The Sherwood Ring, are two of my most favorite YA novels. Both are historical but in crisp, tart ways that make the subject matter more magical, not less, because the characters are very much intelligent and aware.

      1. Blackstock*

        Ahhh yay so glad you picked it up!! I also adore Elizabeth Marie Pope, I found old library editions of those two years ago and I think The Sherwood Ring is such a well done “story within a story”, plus, ghosts!

        For the Firebird paperback of Tam Lin, Dean did a little note about how this book is one that instead of hanging around and begging for sequels, rushed off and belongs now to the people who love it, which I think is such a lovely image. I will say that while I’ve never gotten around to reading alllll the texts referenced, I did enjoy The Lady’s Not for Burning years ago, and have seen a great production of Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are dead (and later discovered Arcadia which is probably my favorite play ever). But it would be fun to have a Tam Lin book club someday where we read the books and poems referenced. In her Secret Country trilogy she uses bits of poetry as spells and I love that so much.

    11. Pieforbreakfast*

      Finished The Librarianist by Patrick deWhitt. It was excellent, funny and engaging. Highly recommend it.

    12. Rara Avis*

      The Frozen River by Ariel Lawhon. Historical fiction based on the day book of a midwife in 1790’s Maine.

      1. Fellow Traveller*

        I just stayed up til 2am finishing this boom last night. It was fascinating and very well written.

    13. Donkey Hotey*

      I’ve been striking out lately. Last week, it was Shepard’s Cartographers. This week, it was Charlaine Harris’ Shakespeare’s Landlord.

    14. RedinSC*

      I started a charming cozy mystery series set in the 1920’s New Zealand. The Grace Design Mysteries by Tilly Wallace.

      She’s a seamstress, creating her own dress designs and solving murders along the way.

    15. Cookies For Breakfast*

      I started Ordinary Human Failings by Megan Nolan. Enjoying the writing so far, and the prominence of a character who is a journalist for a predatory tabloid helps a lot with placing the story in ’90s London, I think.

    16. Not A Manager*

      Sipsworth, by Simon van Booy. It’s really a beautiful book. The language describing the inner life of the elderly main character is gorgeous and insightful. I’m lucky to be listening to it as an audiobook. Nearing the end, I think the plot has somewhat gone off the rails, but I loved the first three-quarters. @Alison, I think this is a book that you would enjoy also.

    17. Lemonwhirl*

      This week, I read “Instruments of Darkness” by John Connolly. It’s the 21st book in the Charlie Parker series. I love the characters so much, and Connolly is a great storyteller and also a great sentence writer. The series is dark with a lot of supernatural elements, and yet, I always feel like climbing into one of the books is like putting on my most comfortable sweater.

      Not sure what I’m going to read next – I have several library holds that came in at the same time.

      In audiobooks, I got and started Stephen King’s latest “You Like It Darker”. I don’t enjoy reading short stories, but I do enjoy listening to them.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        I’m thinking of picking up the King for Husband–he likes his short stuff.

    18. BadMitten*

      I just finished part 1 of Cahokia Jazz by Francis Spufford, an alternate history murder mystery. In this world it’s 1922 and Native Americans control certain territories, the story takes place in one of those areas, “the Republic of Deseret” in the city of Cahokia. It follows one of the detectives assigned to the homicide case. It’s very well-written and so far quite good. I’ll probably check out some of Spufford’s other works after I finish it.

      2. fallingleavesofnovember*

        I’m waiting for this to come from the library and quite excited about it! Glad to hear you are enjoying it!

    19. AGD*

      Plundered the sci-fi/fantasy section of the nearest public library branch. Raced through Starter Villain by John Scalzi, which was a ton of fun (I needed a quick, entertaining, funny read, and romance is not my thing).

      Now reading Naomi Novik’s A Deadly Education, which is somewhere between horror and fantasy and really well developed with a fascinating take on morality amid relentless high-stakes danger.

      1. AcademiaNut*

        It’s worth reading the whole trilogy – an excellent story and some really interesting themes.

        1. AGD*

          Good to hear, thanks! The library has both of those too and I’m very likely to go on.

      2. Falling Diphthong*

        I greatly enjoyed Starter Villain. And I do return to it whenever I’m wondering if a “billionaire” sure does seem to be acting like someone who can’t scrape together enough money for lunch.

        The Scholomance is one of my favorite series. Both my spouse and I found it so high stress to read the first time around–she perfectly captures the feeling of being always on edge poised to be attacked as an unpopular kid in high school. Except the monsters really eat you here.

      3. karriegrace*

        I like that trilogy but absolutely LOVED her fairy tale setting books “Spinning Silver” and “Uprooted”.

        1. AGD*

          I liked Uprooted and adored Spinning Silver! Enthusiastically seconding the recommendation.

    20. 248_Ballerinas*

      Just finished Suspect by Scott Turow. The main character is the granddaughter of Sandy Stern, Turow’s renowned defense lawyer character. Sadly, the novel is not as good as Turow’s earlier novels. There are also some details given about a minor character that differ from what was originally written. That kind of thing bothers me, especially with such a good writer.

    21. Trixie Belden was my hero*

      You Like it Darker by Stephen King.
      A collection of 12 short stories that was released this week.
      I’ve always thought his short stories were vastly superior to his other horror novels (I like them too). His ability to create characters that are so compelling and facing real world circumstances (It’s not all about killing the monsters, regular people are the monsters) is amazing. Growing up in a small backward town like the ones he writes about, I can relate to his characters and the life issues they face.
      I’ve been reading him all my life, since I was a young teen, I think I started with the Shining. I was an advanced reader and quickly went thru the children’s sections (as you can tell by my name) My mother was an avid reader and we visited the library every week during the summer. I’m so lucky that we didn’t have the book banning jerks we have today back in the 70’s. Mom was usually strict but I was allowed to check out whatever I wanted and the librarians were encouraging.
      The only difference is that today I will not be reading in the pool and getting a weird sunburn.
      This will also be my small (BIG) Joy this week.

      1. Nervous Nellie*

        I read the first 10 pages of You Like it Darker online and can’t wait for it to arrive. I never read him until now – too cautious about frightening books. But then I saw & followed his remarkable Twitter posts and the read the book Fairy Tale, which turned me around. I am just starting Lisey’s Story, which a friend described as the biggest love story I will ever read, and the darkest. Okay, helmet ready.

        1. Trixie Belden was my hero*

          Besides his short stories, some books that weren’t too “monstery” and better than the movies are The Green Mile, Misery, Carrie, The Shining and The Stand.

          The movie Shawshank Redemption is great and the novella it is based on is in the collection called Different Seasons.
          You may want to avoid Pet Cemetery, It, Gerald’s Game and Cujo until you get used to him.

          1. Clisby*

            OMG, the movie version of Carrie is one of the very few cases where I think the movie eclipsed the novel. Stephen King had a great story, which he told in a terribly written book, and Brian de Palma got it to where it should be.

          2. Nervous Nellie*

            Yeah, I saw Green Mile and Shawshank, and they both helped cement the idea that he’s not just a horror writer. And the PEN award, and National Medal of Arts, they helped me see him more clearly. He’s a national treasure, even if may need to keep this book in the freezer, and read only in daytime.

            1. word nerd*

              As a non-horror fan, one of my favorite King books is On Writing: A Memoir of the Craft. For some reason, I enjoy books about writing even though I don’t write myself–I enjoy the insights into an author’s writing process and how books are written more generally.

              1. goddessoftransitory*

                If you like that one, also check out Anne Lamott’s Bird By Bird. It’s a terrific book about writing that makes you want to do it yourself while being hilariously funny–she tells a story about trying to overcome jealousy about a friend who was doing really well and getting a lot of attention, and not getting over it until another friend sent her a poem entitled “The Book of My Enemy Has Been Remaindered.”

            2. Trixie Belden was my hero*

              Well, I’m almost finished. Haven’t had a book binge like that in a long time. It was spectacular.

              Love the idea of keeping the book in the freezer. I used to have a rule not to read his books at night. That’s why I used to read him in the pool. I broke that rule last night, it was after midnight when I stopped. I still have the 2 longest stories to finish.

              Other great movies, Stand By Me and the Mist. Both from short stories/novellas.

              I really enjoyed On Writing too.

          3. UKDancer*

            I definitely prefer his short stories. I think he writes better when he has a word limit and his long books have never engaged me and I have tried.

            He wrote some brilliant short stories though.

    22. chocolate muffins*

      The Unhoneymooners by Christina Lauren. I am really enjoying how romance lets me turn my brain off for a bit and this was an excellent book for that (a thing I mean sincerely to be a positive thing about it, not a passive aggressive critique of this book specifically or romance in general). Though, given some of the writing earlier in the book, I was surprised at the fade-to-black parts later on that made it less steamy than I was expecting.

    23. RussianInTexas*

      I am alternating.
      The Sleepwalkers: How Europe Went to War in 1914 – the VERY detailed, VERY long book about, well, what’s in the title. I read one section and then switch to something lighter, because this book is borderline too academic for me.
      However, I learned a new word from this book! Irredentism.
      The current distraction is The Angsana Tree Mystery (Su Lin Series Book 8) by Ovidia Yu. The series of mysteries set in Singapore during it being the British colony. Someone here recommended the series and it’s really good.

    24. Nervous Nellie*

      I’m reading Treasure Island!!! by Sara Levine. It’s a loopy, delightful story of a young woman, who while mired in a series of dead end jobs, reads Treasure Island (RL Stevenson) and decides it is cosmically intended for her, and that she must follow its lessons to improve her life. It’s fast & hilarious, and the suddenly dark & surprising. It’s one from the Europa Editions series that gave us the most perfect Cooking With Fernet Branca by David Hamilton-Paterson, which I will admit I felt the same self-improvement obsession/inspiration with. Highly recommended.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        This A) sounds great and B) is inspiring me to read the original novel.

        1. Nervous Nellie*

          Me too! I never read the Stevenson book as a kid. I’ve ordered it at the library. Levine’s main character mentions specific moments in the book that she feels have special lessons for her – it will be fun to pick them out!

      2. Autumn*

        Oh wow, I haven’t thought of Cooking With Fernet Branca in ages! What a hoot that book is. I love ol’ James H-P, wish he were a bit more prolific, but what he has given us is so perfect I feel guilty about complaining. I’ll give Treasure Island!!! a try!

    25. BikeWalkBarb*

      I’m reading Widowland by E. J. Carey, which I think was one of Allison’s recommendations. Alternate history in which England struck an alliance with Nazi Germany, the US didn’t enter the war, and women are assigned to castes with the beautiful ones expected to produce babies. It’s not The Handmaid’s Tale redone, although of course you’ll be reminded of that. The main character’s job is to edit all the spunk and independent female thinking out of classic literature so you might say it’s a horror story for us booklovers (although not written as horror). Definitely recommend this one.

      Next on my list: City of Stairs by Robert Jackson Bennett. I finished his Foundryside trilogy and wanted to read more of his writing. This is the first in another trilogy. I’m always happy when a writer creates a world I can live in for quite a while, although a brilliant standalone is satisfying too.

      Going back to books that have stayed with me in memory, if someone hasn’t read The Book of the Unnamed Midwife and its sequels by Meg Alison, these are *brilliant* and you must read them if post-apocalyptic feminist writing is your bag (and if it is, you’ve likely already read them).

      An author recommendation: Sarah Gailey. They’ve written horror, alternate history (River of Teeth with hippos raised as transportation and food animals, based on a real idea to import them into the southern US), and more. Wonderful.

      Every weekend I add to my library wish list thanks to all of you. I’m far from retirement but have no worries about what I’ll do with all that time!

    26. Samwise*

      Vivian Goldman, Revenge of the She-Punks:
      A Feminist Music History from Poly Styrene to Pussy Riot.

      Goldman’s style is a bit overwrought, but the book is interesting and enjoyable, and has great playlists. Easy to pick up and put down (good for when you don’t have all afternoon to sit and read). She is a musician, songwriter, journalist, and author. “Launderette” is her most anthologized song.

    27. Anon 5775*

      I enjoyed “the unmaking of June Farrow” by Adrienne Young. a bit of time travel, but rest of the world is our world, and great characters and a twisty plot.

    28. GoryDetails*

      Was pleasantly surprised by this one:

      The Love of My Life by Rosie Walsh – a psychological thriller featuring a woman whose happy marriage may be threatened by secrets from her past. Lots of use of alternate viewpoints and late-revelations of back-stories – all rather typical of the genre, but this one not only has some interesting twists on the usual type of secrets (and the motives behind hiding things), but ends up considerably better than most such works tend to do. Kind of a cozy thriller?

    29. anxiousGrad*

      I’m reading If Beale Street Could Talk by James Baldwin. It’s really beautiful, but it’s depressing to see how little the criminal (in)justice system has changed in the last 50 years.

    30. Don’t make me come over there*

      Ann Patchett has always been kind of hit or miss for me, but I’m really enjoying Bel Canto.

    31. Ali + Nino*

      I just finished Wartime Lies by Louis Begley. I picked it up after hearing that Stanley Kubrick had begun working on a film based on the novel, to be called Aryan Papers, but died before he could complete it (maybe even start filming). A fast and compelling read, though I felt it ended somewhat abruptly, and of course the subject matter is sad and disturbing.

      Now I’ve started Everyone on This Train is a Suspect by Benjamin Stevenson. At first I didn’t like the narrator, and the whole meta prelude seemed like it was trying too hard to be clever, but now I’m enjoying it. I also noticed, just based on names, that except for one indigenous character, so far every character seems to be white. I don’t like when authors try to shove in diversity in an obvious and unnecessary way but I’m a little disappointed.

    32. Bluebell Brenham*

      I read Good material by Dolly Alderton this week and was underwhelmed despite all the praise that I heard from other folks. Paul Scheer’s Joyful Recollections of Trauma was a real mix of heartbreaking and funny. I wished there was a little bit more about the start of his podcast How Did This Get Made? Also, First Lie Wins by Ashley Elston was very twisty and fun.

    33. carcinization*

      I’m very slowly reading Holland’s Floating Worlds, not all that interested in it but don’t feel like starting a new book for whatever reason. Maybe it will “get good?”

    34. Nightengale*

      I just got this! I was sold on the fact that she used the spelling Athene on the back cover which is my preferred spelling. I read a lot of myths as a kid and then my college worshipped Athena so I am hoping to tickle that dormant special interest.

    1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      I saw a Monarch butterfly for two days in a row! Apparently, they only eat milkweed (according to some public service announcement I heard, urging people to plant some), so there must be some milkweed around my work.

      2. RedinSC*

        This reminded me, I was out and about an there was an old German Sheppard dog chasing a monarch. It was just the most adorable thing.

      3. MCL*

        The caterpillars only eat milkweed. The butterflies will eat pretty much anything that has lots of nectar (which includes milkweed flowers but also lots of other flowers). So it’s important to have milkweed around to support the caterpillars and a variety of other plants that bloom throughout the season to support the adult butterflies. Variety is good!

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      My mom has been looking for something special to do with her fancy laser engraving machine, like family special, and this week she found a handwritten recipe card given to her by my grandma, for HER mom’s (my great-grandma’s) “chocolate fudge picnic cake.” So my mom is going to scan the card and laser my great-grandma’s recipe in my grandma’s handwriting onto a decorative cutting board for me and my siblings.

      Plus she sent me a picture of the card, and I actually made the cake tonight and it is EXCELLENT. (I am sending most of it with my husband to his gaming group tomorrow.)

      1. Peanut Hamper*

        I have seen this kind of thing done before and it is just the most amazing thing ever! What a wonderful idea!

        (Also, any chance you could post that recipe? You had me at “chocolate”. But I get it if you don’t.)

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Happy to share!! It’s a literal one pan recipe, not counting your measuring utensils, and no turning out or need for extra frosting, you just take your whole pan full of cake to your picnic and let people scoop some out. I didn’t put the nuts on mine because of allergy issues among the group, but my mom says it’s really good with all kinds of different baking chips, mint or white chocolate or toffee or whatever, to give it different looks and flavor profiles.

          Preheat your oven to 350. Layer directly into a 8″ or 9″ cake pan:
          1/3 cup vegetable oil
          2 packets liquid chocolate*
          1 egg
          1 and 1/4 cup Wondra flour**
          1/2 tsp each baking soda and salt
          1/2 tsp vanilla
          3/4 cup water

          Scrape and stir together for about 2 minutes. Sprinkle across the top 1 cup chocolate chips and 1 cup chopped nuts (walnuts or pecans). Bake for 30 minutes.

          *modern substitute: 6 tbsp cocoa powder and 2 tbsp oil
          **Substitutes for this particular flour are available online, mostly involving corn starch, but I didn’t have any corn starch either so I did just actually get the real Wondra brand stuff at my grocery store, and it’s somehow pre-cooked so that it thickens but doesn’t clump when you add it to liquid? And it really did mix into this particular recipe better than I think AP flour would’ve done as a result.

          1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            to clarify the first footnote: 6T/2T is the sub for the whole 2 packets of liquid chocolate. It’s 3T/1T per packet. :)

      2. goddessoftransitory*

        Yuuuum. I just made a Mexican chocolate cake for Husband’s birthday tomorrow–bring on the cakes!

      3. BikeWalkBarb*

        Oh my gosh, this is wonderful. I have my mom’s recipe box. I’d been planning to go through, select the favorites I remember, and scan them to create a Mom’s Cookbook for my siblings. This would be another option.

        And thanks for posting the recipe!

      5. allathian*

        That’s so cool! My son picked laser engraving as an elective next year, we’ll see what he comes up with next. He’s done woodworking this year and made a coffee table and a cutting board, the latter out of pine and mahogany. He got an A in that class. Well earned because he was the only person in the class who completed one project, let alone two.

    3. Peanut Hamper*

      My spider plant has gone from two babies a few months ago to over twelve! Yay!!!

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Pups! Has it blossomed as well? The one at our work is just starry with tiny flowers.

        1. Peanut Hamper*

          Not yet! But if not this summer, maybe next year? It’s still kind of young. (I have a north-facing apartment, so it doesn’t get nearly as much light as it would like.)

    4. GoryDetails*

      Had a lovely fly-by from a great blue heron today; I always enjoy seeing them.

      Also spotted some baby bunnies in my yard – micro-rabbits, as I think of them. The yard’s overgrown rather badly, so it’s great habitat for the buns, and while I do have to fence off my vegetables-in-containers to keep them safe, I still rather like seeing the cute little fluffs hopping about.

    6. goddessoftransitory*

      It’s finally warming up here but not yet roasting hot! That only lasts about a week so I’m trying to enjoy it.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I visited Seattle in late June before I moved in August, and the foul temptress ensnared me with her tease of beautiful weather. Then I learned the truth of September to May. :) but oh, the summers made up for a lot for a long time. (I moved back to the Midwest in 2012, after almost 11 years in the Emerald City.)

        2. Reluctant Mezzo*

          I lived in the Willamette Valley for four years, and the four weeks every year when you never see the sun really got to me. Moved back to the eastern side of the Cascades where the sun actually shows up in the winter, too. Ok, we also got a late frost (23 F that night) which killed all the lilacs, but at 4200 feet frost is gonna happen whenever it feels like.

    7. Donkey Hotey*

      First day recording the script I wrote! If all goes well, I’ll launch an audio drama podcast this fall!

    8. Lizzie (with the deaf cat)*

      This morning I saw two regal ibis strolling around in a leafy suburb; it seems strange to see living relatives of ancient Egyptian hieroglyphs just walking about! Naturally as this is Australia, they are known as ‘bin chickens’ because of their foraging habits.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I used to see snowy egrets on the San Lorenzo River mud flats in Santa Cruz. They were so pretty. I never got close enough to see if they were assholes, though.

        “Bin chickens” is hilarious!

    9. BellaStella*

      Seeing friends made me happy and today will do a volunteer thing related to local farm animals!

    10. AGD*

      One of my students is about to win a major award. She does not know this and I’m not allowed to tell her in advance, but I’m definitely standing here waiting to release the metaphorical confetti as soon as the news is public. She’s so deserving of this honor!

    11. chocolate muffins*

      Looking forward to a European trip that my family and I are about to take! Leaving later today, getting back next weekend. Super necessary chance to recharge and get to hang out together.

    12. Choggy*

      I have finally figured out what flowers attract hummingbirds and it’s working! I purchased Cuphea and a specific type of (annual) Salvia and now see hummingbirds feed on them at least a few times a week. My condo complex does not allow feeders, so I’m glad to have found a natural way to feed them.

    13. Southern Girl*

      Our dog was hit by a truck a week ago ( gate left open), fractured her leg. Joyful that she is recovering very well after surgery.

    15. 248_Ballerinas*

      I went to a First Friday event last night and met a nationally known creator whose work I admire. I was thrilled.

    17. Dancing Otter*

      I graduated from physical therapy on Monday, exactly four months after knee replacement. I’m walking without a cane for the first time in over twenty years.

      1. Can't Sit Still*

        Woo hoo! Congratulations! I have heard the post-knee replacement PT is both painful and worth it when you stick it out.

    19. Can't Sit Still*

      My condo complex has pollinator friendly landscaping, so I’ve been seeing a LOT of butterflies lately. Yesterday, I saw a perfect Western tiger swallowtail (I had to look it up, we called them yellow butterflies when I was growing up.)

    21. Past Lurker*

      Numerous fireflies in the trees outside my bedroom window every night this time of year. The trees look like they have flickering stars on the leaves!

    22. Elizabeth West*

      This was last week, but I went out to the parking lot to look in the car for my lost debit card (that’s a saga in itself, lol) and saw a raven sitting on the top of a nearby utility pole! A RAVEN! I’ve never seen one except at the Tower of London, and those birds are not exactly wild, as they have a little house to live in and a Beefeater takes care of them.

      I knew there were crows around because I can hear them, but not ravens. I could tell it wasn’t a crow because it was bigger and it croaked instead of cawing. Too bad I didn’t have my phone with me. I’ll make sure to take it with me when I go outside so I can snap a pic if it comes back.

      1. GoryDetails*

        Awesome raven sighting! I’ve often spotted a particularly large crow and wondered if it might be a raven, but when I see an actual raven the difference is quite dramatic.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          I know! The ones I saw at the Tower weren’t making any noise, and it was years and years ago. This one was huge. I wish I’d had my phone, drat it.

          Usually all I see are pigeons and seagulls. I’ve seen geese near Stop and Shop. Apparently, there are urban turkeys here too.

    24. Don’t make me come over there*

      There is a super friendly and affectionate calico cat a couple blocks away who runs up to meet me on my walks sometimes. Makes my day!

    25. Rrrach*

      Finally getting over to the garden centre after a busy few weeks, then spending a few happy hours listening to history podcasts while tidying up the garden and getting some lovely plants planted.

    26. carcinization*

      I made a coconut tres leches cake as we were going over to our friends’ house for dinner (multiple friends), and it turned out well. I’ve made it twice before but both times were probably over 10 years ago so I wasn’t sure how it’d turn out… our household is only two people and the cake doesn’t keep as long as most do so that’s why I don’t make it that often. My friend was impressed by the texture of the whipped cream topping and I was like, “yeah, whipped it myself from a carton of heavy cream, that’s why it’s like that!”

  4. MP*

    I’m getting a new next door neighbor, any recommendations on simple ways to introduce ourselves/welcome her?

    1. Falling Diphthong*

      Don’t overthink it! I see people go down rabbit holes of “food but what if they’re allergic, flowers but what if they don’t like flowers” and people care much more about the friendliness. Any banana bread or plant is an embodiment of the friendliness.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        Adding: There’s a big difference between the contexts “Person I don’t know at all offers me a gift of homemade rhubarb jam” and “Person I have known for years, during which I have consistently not liked rhubarb jam, always forgets that when it’s time to think of a birthday present.” In the first I focus mostly on the intent–you don’t know me, so it’s a dice roll whether the small offering is something I will love, something I will be mildly pleased by, or not something I actually like. In the second, your ignoring everything you know about me over and over becomes a much bigger part of my emotional response.

    2. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      I think someone recommended in a related thread (what to leave behind for the new people who just bought your house) giving the newbies a list of local businesses, restaurants, doctors, veterinarians, contractors, etc. that you have used and liked so that they have some resources to try out. Maybe that?

    3. Shutterdoula*

      Our neighbor just brought over an index card with their names & number and things like what day of the week garbage was picked up, best local grocery store, a favorite restaurant of theirs, and the non-emergency number for the local police. Probably a couple other things, too, but I don’t remember. And an invitation to reach out if we needed any other recommendations, which we did, multiple times.
      That was really helpful! Eight years later and it’s still on our corkboard in the kitchen.

    4. KKR*

      One of my closest friends introduced herself by making me a loaf of banana bread and a little note. It doesn’t have to be a lot.

    5. BikeWalkBarb*

      We moved into our neighborhood about 3-1/2 years ago. First place I’ve ever moved to that neighbors walked over, knocked on the door, and introduced themselves. VERY simple and yet had never happened before! It made us feel so, so welcome, and we’ve gotten to know the names of most of the neighbors since then.

      Another neighbor sent her daughter over with a couple of bags of Schwann’s frozen cookie dough and a half-size cookie sheet. That’s an incredibly handy cookie sheet size I didn’t already own and I could bake cookies before I had any of our stuff unpacked. (She sent her daughter because she herself isn’t mobile enough to walk over; the cookie package came with an invitation to come over and introduce ourselves, which we of course did.)

    6. Donkey Hotey*

      Most recent neighbors: a growler to the local small business brew pub and a gift card.

    7. Liminality*

      Maybe a couple extension cords, with a bow? And a note with your contact info and something like “Extending our warmest greetings”?
      I know I’ve always wished for more extension cords during a relocation.

    8. Maleficent2026*

      The card with your contact information and the information for local businesses is really helpful. Food is nice, but I’d go with store bought, until you get to know each other better. I’ve read/seen/heard way too many horror stories about people’s kitchens and/or cleaning habits to ever be comfortable eating something homemade from someone I don’t know.

      1. Texan In Exile*

        With my most recent new next door neighbor (the fourth in 16 years), I also asked him if he would be our shoveling partner. That is, we’ll shovel his sidewalk when he’s out of town and vice versa.

        And after checking his car for bumper stickers, I told him how to update his voter registration and where our polling place is.

  5. Jackalope*

    Gaming thread! Share what you’ve been playing and give or request recs. As always, all games are welcome, not just video games.

    I just started Final Fantasy 9; I missed that one in my early gaming days and so am now coming back to it. I’ve been interested in playing something new but not a lot of new stuff for the Switch at the moment and I’m not crazy about playing on my laptop so I’m holding on for now.

    1. Dovasary Balitang*

      I am almost done the TTYD remake (really enjoyed it!) and am mostly just trying not to vibrate out of observable reality while I wait for full news on Dragon Age: Whatever It’s Called Now.

    2. Jay*

      I finally broke down and bought Rouge Trader.
      And I’m loving it!
      It connected with me in a way that Baldurs Gate III just…..didn’t.

    3. A Girl Named Fred*

      I “gave in” and bought V Rising to play with my boyfriend. I say “gave in” because I initially held off when our friend group was playing during the beta – I’m not typically a fan of games where I have to do a certain amount of relatively difficult combat in order to progress (especially to unlock aesthetic crafting recipes, aka base building, aka my favorite part of those types of games lol). But it turns out that unbeknownst to me our friends had set the game mode to “Brutal” so I was only seeing “difficulty turned up to 11” – BF and I are playing on Relaxed, which has been good so far. I’m not sure how long I’ll stick with it, but I’m enjoying it for now!

      I’m also doing a little FFXIV in the background – I don’t want to burn myself out right before Dawntrail releases later this month, but I also don’t want to be Completely Rusty when it releases lol. So we’ll see how that goes!

    6. Dittany*

      I’ve been playing the Hades 2 early access. Even incomplete, it’s pretty spectacular.

      1. JPalmer*

        Same, I started it last week and binged it all this week. I’ll prob step back and wait for more to come out before burning myself out on it before it’s done.

  6. Heartbroken*

    My sibling died unexpectedly today. No will, but has some assets such as a house and car. I’m next of kin and will need to handle everything. An additional complication is that I’m in another state. I would really appreciate advice from people who have been in this situation on how you were able to manage things long distance, what needs to be done in person, and anything ypu think would be helpful to know as far as next practical steps. Thank you.

    1. Dumpster Fire*

      I have no wisdom for you, but much sympathy. So very sorry for your loss, and hope you allow yourself time and space to grieve while you’re doing what needs to be done.

    2. RetiredAcademicLibrarian*

      I am sorry about your sibling. I haven’t dealt with this situation, but my sister is dealing with the estate of a person who also died intestate (without a will). I know she has to deal with the county to get death certificates that are needed for a lot of the cleanup stuff (notifying credit cards and bank accounts, etc.) Also, different states have different laws about how an intestate death is handled – they can define next of kin differently and divide the assets up among siblings, parents, nieces, nephews, etc. in different ways.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Oh yeah, death certificates are super important. The funeral director for my dad told me to pay for 20 or 30 of them, and he was right — everyone wanted one. You’ll also need a whole bunch of copies of the form that names you executor once that happens. Those two documents will help you deal with things like insurance companies, banks, etc.

        2. Just a name*

          Some places only need copies of the death certificate. Others will want originals. Life insurance required an original. The bank only needed to see the original but did not keep it. In Ohio, original death certificates are $25 each, so the funeral director recommended 2 originals and 6 copies. I was lucky that my sister had transfer on death for her car and bank account.

        3. Clisby*

          Yes, my husband and I recently met with a lawyer to update our wills, and she said she always recommends getting at least 20 death certificates. (We have very simple wills, and most of our estate won’t be subject to probate anyway, but you still need death certificates for life insurance, retirement accounts, etc.)

    4. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      I am so very sorry for your loss and that you’re dealing with these difficulties on top of losing your sibling.

      Please make sure you take some time to breathe, eat, drink, bathe as well. Maybe call some close friends too? The tasks you’re worried about right now will still be there later, so it’s okay to take them slowly.

      My friend was dealing with something like this. She wound up hiring a lawyer who was local to where her dead sibling lived, someone who could tell her about the state laws that were in play as well as the federal laws. A local lawyer should be able to talk you through how you get yourself named executor in your sibling’s state and give you a roadmap about what may need to be done (like opening an estate bank account out of which to pay any bills that come in for your sibling and into which to put in any last payments that come in for your sibling, etc). You could also think about hiring a local accountant to deal with your sibling’s last tax returns.

      I lived in a neighboring state when my dad died, and I often found it useful to go to his state to deal with things in person, but I think it is possible to subcontract most things that need to be done if you’re willing to pay a fair bit for lawyers, accountants, realtors, estate auctioneers, etc. I arranged to sell my dad’s house almost 100% via phone/e-mail during covid, so it is indeed possible.

      In my case also found the funeral director to be a good source of advice.

      Sending you a big hug.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Also, if you do go to your sibling’s state, see if you can bring a friend or family member whom you get along with well as moral support. It can feel really lonely doing all of this stuff yourself. I would have loved to have had a buddy with me, even if all they did was sit and chat with me while I was doing stuff.

      2. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        P.S. If your sibling was on Social Security, you will have to call the Social Security Administration to let them know to stop sending money. I believe when my dad died, they said it was okay to keep the check for the month he died in, but I’d double check that.

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          If your sibling had any children under 18, they are eligible for those payments as well.

        2. ECHM*

          At least in Michigan, when the funeral home files the death certificate, it notifies Social Security electronically. You might want to follow up, but there’s no rush.

          1. Esprit de l'escalier*

            That was the case in my state too — the funeral director immediately notified Social Security.

            The lawyer said to contact any entities that were sending annuities or other payments as soon as possible, as the estate will have to pay back anything that comes in, I assume starting in July. Also, once you’re officially the executor, work with your sibling’s bank and/or credit card companies to track down autopays. Some will need to continue until the house is sold, but other services can be stopped as soon as you’re able to get hold of them.

            In my experience most entities were satisfied with either a photocopy or a scan of the death certificate, and you can always purchase additional ones later, so I wouldn’t go overboard unless they’re really inexpensive in your sibling’s locality.

            My condolences to you on losing your sibling. I hope there are some supportive people in your life who can help you cope.

    5. Jay*

      I’m sorry for your pain and loss.
      I’ve never lost a sibling, thank goodness, but I’ve witnessed what the older members of my family have gone through too many times in the last few years.
      -The biggest takeaway is not to let people get to you.
      You can run into relatives and old family friends who are blinded by their own pain and loss and just lash out. It can be horrible and I know a couple of people in my family who will never speak again.
      -There are terrible people out there who make their living taking advantage of grieving families. Funeral homes that will try to get devastated children and grand children to bankrupt themselves on ridiculously ornate funerals that their departed loved ones would never have wanted. Not all funeral homes are bad, but, understand this happens a lot.
      -Even worse than that are what I’ve always heard referred to as “Vulture Realtors”. Realtors who target exhausted, grieving families who just want it all to be over and will “offer” to take the loved one’s house, car, whatever is really valuable, off of your hands quickly, easily, with no fuss and very little paperwork. For what always turns out to be a tiny fraction of their value. This happened with the grandparents on both sides of my family. The biggest part of the inheritances they worked all their lives to leave their children ended up going to some shady company.

    6. Jean (just Jean)*

      Condolences! First find someone in your own local area to keep you company if you need that, or bring you some food, or just sit with you if you need moral support. Second, find people who were close to your sibling (neighbors, friends, coworkers, members of a club, congregation or other group…?) for moral and logistical support. Can you get into your sibling’s personal papers, or cell phone, or email records?

      I also wonder if the web site getyoursh*ttogether (dot) org would be helpful. The site was developed after its creator was suddenly widowed with two children and without any helpful, completed-in-advance-of-need paperwork. She has checklists for tasks to be done after someone dies. Spouses and siblings are not the same, but some of the post-death tasks are the same: close down accounts with vendors, service providers, utilities, and credit cards; tie up loose ends with checking, savings, and retirement or brokerage accounts (this may involve tracking down a designated beneficiary, or figuring out what to do if there’s no beneficiary listed); ditto with any long-term loan repayment plans.

      If there were people (individuals, a club, a congregation, coworkers) in your sibling’s life, would it help you to reach out to them? Did your sibling have a medical doctor, realtor, mechanic, or any other type of service provider? Can you contact a lawyer in your sibling’s state, or maybe a state department of ….aging, or the recorder of deeds office (I think that’s where wills get registered in my state) for guidance? Was your sibling a member of some sort of legal service or group that might help you with basic legal advice?

      I’m sorry for your loss and also sorry for the administrative challenge you’re now facing. As awful as it must feel, you’re not the first person suddenly obliged to settle someone else’s financial & legal affairs. Supportive agencies and organizations exist to help people when this happens. Maybe I’m just repeating Mr. Rogers’ advice to “look for the helpers.”

      Take care of yourself. Find ongoing moral support (or a therapist, if necessary). And please ignore any or all of my advice if it is not helpful.

    7. Jean (just Jean)*

      (Earlier reply may have disappeared. Summary is below.)
      I’m so sorry for your loss. Others have already echoed many of my suggestions. Take good care of yourself during this difficult time. Find helpful friends local to you and (if possible) local to your sibling. This feels overwhelming but most things can wait a few days or longer, you’re not the first person to have to resolve matters after someone dies suddenly, and there are people in businesses and state offices who have seen this situation before and will be able to help you.

      1. Jean (just Jean)*

        P.S. In response to Jay’s comments: It’s not mandatory to spend a fortune on a funeral, casket, etc., so don’t feel obliged to agree just because the funeral home makes suggestions. Plain, unvarnished pine coffins are available for Jewish funerals; I’m sure they can also be found for non-Jewish families. Cremation is another possibility. Honor your sibling however you feel is best, but please don’t let yourself be talked into having an elaborate funeral that nobody can afford.

        1. WellRed*

          I’d like to add my own in response to Jays comments: I’ve found the funeral homes and directors caring and sympathetic each time. Agree to do what’s best to honor sibling.

    8. ronda*

      you should hire a probate attorney in your brother’s state. They will know what needs to be done.
      you can also hire a professional executor. many people ask a family member to be the executor, but if you want someone else to do it, you can hire someone.

      I haven’t done these 2 but they sound like they might be helpful for you.

      I have been involved with getting my mothers financial accounts distributed (my sister was executor)
      Financial assets & life insurance often have beneficiaries listed. these do not need to go thru the estate, the financial institution will pay them out to the beneficiaries with a death certificate. If he was employed, his employer may have included life insurance and retirement accounts in his benefits. Their HR department can probably help with them. retirement accounts have special rules about how they are taxed, so look at that first before removing money from a retirement account. (the financial institution will be able to give you an overview of this, but won’t provide tax advice)

      I did read that the executor can get credit reports from all 3 credit agencies for the deceased, this will help with finding any credit cards to cancel and mortgage info. his estate will have to pay his debts, but you do not need to pay them.

      going thru any papers in his house may help you find financial info you need. The executor can also have his mail forwarded to them by going to the post office and filing for it.

      you may not find all needed financial information to get all his assets distributed. Eventually unclaimed assets are turned over to the state. So check the unclaimed property website for years after to see if any property shows up that you can claim. (check what info you will need to file the claim, so you know what to keep available after estate is settled)

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Double check papers for life insurance policies. When my dad passed we found six different ones, some decades old.

        1. Dancing Otter*

          Also check the unclaimed property site for your state.
          I had an insurance company cash out my (paid up) life insurance policy to the state because they didn’t process my change of address before the forwarding order expired. It was annoying, because I couldn’t reinstate the policy, or replace it at a remotely comparable rate, but “found money” at least.
          My cousin found several thousand in her deceased parents’ names a decade after they died. She had to get new copies of their death certificates, among other documentation to validate her claim as successor. Easier to claim now than after the estate is settled.

    10. Treeline*

      Condolences for your loss—you’re strong for stepping up. Good advice from others here. My suggestion isn’t a priority, but maybe stop utilities/recurring payment/newspapers. Any pets need boarding, arrange for that.

      1. Anon this minute*

        In line with the pet advice, if your sibling had any houseplants that need care, see if a neighbor or someone can get into the house and re-home them.

    11. RagingADHD*

      Oh, I’m so sorry.

      I have administered an estate from out of state. I had a local attorney to help with the initial paperwork, made a couple of trips to deal with the bank account, and sort through personal property, hired an estate sale company to clear the house and sell or dispose of the things that were not sentimental, and did the rest of the paperwork, bill payment, and taxes from home. My CPA is qualified in both states, so he was able to help me with the state tax as well as the IRS.

      I didn’t have to deal with selling a house. You should probably get someone local to keep an eye on it and get Ring cameras if it’s going to sit empty for a while.

      Again, my condolences. The administration process is fairly slow. Take your time.

    12. Undine Spragg*

      I agree hiring a local lawyer is valuable. Banks mostly can be dealt with remotely— they may want you to come in, but usually you can do that at the branch near to you. A lot of places now have portals where you can upload copies of the death certificate and so on.

      The important things to do immediately are secure his property and notify any banks or other institutions about his death. You can often notify verbally over the phone if you have his ssn or an account number, and they have a database to check against. It’s important to do this for loans and credit cards, because they stop accruing interest and they don’t send bills. Not quite sure how it works for a mortgage. You don’t need a death certificate or official standing to do this step.

      The house and car are trickier, making sure they will be safe.

      The third thing is to get the mail forwarded. This will help you see any other bills and so on.

      My father recently died about a month before I was going on an extended vacation, and I asked the lawyer if I could still go on vacation, and the things above were the three things he said I had to do: notify banks, secure his property, forward his mail.

      Getting death certificates may be tricky if you don’t order them through the funeral home or whoever is handling the body. Thst depends entirely on county rules, but in my case, my sister who was living locally and who signed the paperwork for the body had to go in in person,

    13. chocolate muffins*

      I have no wisdom on the actual question you asked but am so sorry to hear this. Sending good thoughts to you and your family.

    14. Warrant Officer Georgiana Breakspear-Goldfinch*

      No advice, but I’m very sorry for your loss. Ask for all the help you can get. If throwing money at a problem solves the problem, please do that. Be really gentle on your executive function: order food instead of dealing with groceries and cooking, for example.

    15. Healthcare Worker*

      I’m so very sorry for your loss. In selecting an attorney, remember you get what you pay for. When my father-in-law died, we used a basic attorney who assured us they could do everything. Later on we had to pay an attorney who specializes in estate planning to reopen the estate. We were penny wise and pound foolish, much to my chagrin.

    16. been there*

      I am so sorry for the loss of your sibling.

      My biggest piece of advice is to hire a probate or estate attorney in the state of your sibling’s residence. Most states have very specific laws when someone dies intestate (without a will or trust). Not knowing your family situation, doing this may also protect you. And your sibling’s estate assets would pay the legal fees, not you.

      You have gotten a lot of good advice so far. I personally think you can get away with 5-10 copies of the death certificate, but that will depend on the complexity of your sibling’s situation. I have dealt with the estates of two family members previously and I’m in the process of dealing with my husband’s, who passed away in February. So far, the only original I had to submit was for one of his life insurance policies. Everyone else I have dealt with so far has been okay with a scanned upload to a website or a faxed copy or, if I’m in person, I give them the original to scan and I get it back.

      Life insurance and pensions sometimes have time limits for beneficiary claims, so look at those. And for retirement accounts, the IRS has time limits for converting the account to the beneficiary/ies. I would probably also prioritize looking at non-essential recurring payments and stop those so you can stop the drain on estate assets- though in some cases, you may need a death certificate and possibly a court document showing that you are the executor- all good reasons to get in touch with an attorney.

    17. Pocket Mouse*

      The book The Executor’s Guide by NOLO is extremely helpful and thorough, I would recommend getting it ASAP. Almost everything can be done remotely, especially if you are able to hire an attorney in your brother’s state to assist. The main thing you’ll need to be in person for are securing/moving his belongings, and transferring the car (maybe also the house?) to your name as executor so you can sell or legally use it. Forward his mail to yourself right now, or at least several days before you arrive in his state to secure his property. My advice having assisted a loved one in a similar situation: get his phone and other devices, unlock them if you can, and do not cancel his phone service for another couple months at least. Insight into who is trying to contact him, as well as having the device for 2FA if you otherwise have access to some accounts, is really helpful. Similarly, don’t close his credit cards yet – you may be able to get rebates on some things (like turning a year-long subscription pro-rated). When you’re going through his things, take anything handwritten and all paperwork that looks remotely administrative with you, and later set aside time to make a list of all accounts/areas to address and potential passwords. Better yet, enlist a super-organized friend to join you to collect those papers and take on a chunk of that work.

      In general, line up some people to support you, hydrate, and take the full executor’s fee that you’re entitled to. It’s unlikely to be a short process, and takes a lot of mental and emotional resources as well as time and labor. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

      1. Pocket Mouse*

        And I’m so sorry I read your post as mentioning a brother rather than sibling! That must have stuck in my mind from something I read earlier.

    18. Snooks*

      So sorry for your loss. I have dealt with an estate in a different state. You need to get death certificates ASAP either through the funeral home or the state. You will need a lawyer.

    20. StrayMom*

      I’m so very sorry for your loss-we lost my brother unexpectedly too. If your sibling died intestate, as mine did, in my State (NY) you’d have to be appointed administrator and so you’d be best served by hiring an attorney to file the paperwork work. You can contact the local bar association for recommendations. The house and assets can be transferred once you’ve been appointed. Good luck and take care of yourself.

    21. Just Here for the Llama Grooming*

      I am so very sorry for your loss. Siblings are a different level of loss than parents or friends — please be kind to yourself in the weeks and months to come. Grief is unpredictable and complicated, regardless of the exact nature of one’s relationship to the deceased.

      There are many excellent suggestions here. Co-sign on getting an attorney who deals routinely with estates in that state; you don’t need to go to BigLaw but you do need someone who knows the drill. The state bar association probably has a referral system.

      If your sibling belonged to a faith community of any kind, you might check with its head to see if the community has a volunteer group that offers assistance to relatives. It might be a way to find folks to keep an eye on the house and car, feed you when you have to be in town, arrange for an estate sale, and so forth.

      1. allathian*

        Absolutely. The sibling relationship is generally the longest we’ll ever have with anyone unless one sibling dies prematurely as happened here. In the expected order of things, our parents will predecease us and our children will survive us, but because siblings are typically in the same generation (generalizing, as there can be more than a generation between siblings, especially paternal half-siblings, like Mick Jagger’s youngest child is younger than at least one of his grandchildren).

        I’m so sorry for your loss, Heartbroken, and I second the advice of hiring a lawyer in your sibling’s state.

    22. Cloudy Sunday*

      I’m so sorry for your loss.

      I haven’t been in this situation, but I’ve been doing my own estate planning, and my family live really far away. I’m planning to get a professional executor to handle all the admin when I pass – the service will be paid out of my estate when it settles. When looking into this, these types of services can require there to be an estate worth way more money than I have, but I did find someone in my price range.

  7. Be the Change*

    I posted some months ago about how a very long-term (40 yrs) friend of mine suddenly vanished — stopped responding to texts, calls, emails, etc. The wisdom of the group was, leave him alone, he knows where I am and if he’s going through stuff and doesn’t want me around, that’s his deal.

    It’s been about six months. His birthday is coming up soon. I am planning a trip in the fall to his area of the planet to visit other family and friends who live around there. What’s the wisdom of the group regarding a birthday note and “Coming your direction in September, would love to see you if you’re up for it”?

    1. Falling Diphthong*

      I think one message like you describe is fine–especially that you’re going to be nearby, and letting people you might visit know you’re coming is a normal thing.

    2. takeachip*

      I didn’t see the original thread but I think reaching out after a period of giving him space, when you have a specific reason to be reaching out, would be fine. Sometimes people feel guilty & awkward about resurfacing after a period of silence so this could be just the nonjudgmental icebreaker he needs.

    3. RagingADHD*

      There’s no harm in sending the note. Just don’t expect anything. If he does reply, let it be a pleasant surprise.

  8. Falling Diphthong*

    What are you watching and would you recommend it?

    Just finished up Silo, post-apocalyptic sci fi set in a silo of 10,000 people who don’t know why they’re there or why things are the way they are (this is codified in their rituals) but best not to ask any questions.

    Also Justified Season 4, which is so beautifully plotted I now want to go back and rewatch the whole series.

    And Mythic Quest. This was more solid middling for me, but Season 4 should feature the union of my three favorite characters, Jo, Brad, and Dana, so I’m optimistic.

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Oh! I’ve read at least the first book of the series that Silo was based on, and I remember thinking it would make a good show or miniseries or something. Worthwhile?

      2. Falling Diphthong*

        Quite well done. After episode 1 I did warn my spouse (this was a rewatch for me) that the season was about life in the titular silo, not about exploring the world outside it.

        It felt like a real society. Especially all the “this is the way things are, there must be some good reason for it.”

    2. heckofabecca*

      I finally finished Dead Boy Detectives on Netflix, and I am SO enamored with it! It’s queer, it’s campy, it’s horror, it’s heartfelt, it’s pretty… A+++++ Definitely recommend!

      2. Donkey Hotey*

        We’re enjoying DBD even though where they shot it is nowhere near Port Townsend.

    3. Peanut Hamper*

      I’ve talked before about Resident Alien and I definitely recommend both the show and the graphic novel/comic book they are based on. (Alan Tudyk is such a great physical actor, but honestly, everyone in this series is so great!)

      Prime has a couple of good documentaries for sci-fi fans. The Center Seat for Star Trek fans and Icons Unearthed which gets into the background of how the original Star Wars films were put together. Both are absolutely amazing.

      Also, just want to say that I will listen to anything Gates McFadden narrates. I loved her podcast, where she asked really good questions, not just fanboy questions. It’s such an amazingly intelligent podcast. She’s just so amazing!

      On the same topic, Prime also has a series called The Story of Film and if you are a movie junkie, this is pretty much required watching. It’s so well done! (And Mark Cousins has such an amazing voice for this!)

      1. BikeWalkBarb*

        Absolutely LOVE Resident Alien!

        Currently watching Grimm, which is older but I hadn’t watched it when it first started running. I read a lot of fantasy and live in Olympia, WA, not that far from Portland so this is fun.

        1. RC*

          This is like the third rec for Resident Alien I’ve gotten, maybe we should finally try it out.

          I started watching Grimm midway through the original run and have wondered at going back to the first season but the writing went so off the rails at the end it sort of soured me to it Although no complaints about the season after one character was shot in the chest and then had like ghost visions of it? so they used it as an excuse to have him rip open his shirt like once an episode rofl. it was so ridiculous… maybe it is worth another watch?

      2. RussianInTexas*

        I did not see your comment before recommending Resident Alien below, it’s such a fun show.

    4. GoryDetails*

      I did like “Silo”, though I still prefer the novels – er, linked-story-cycles; when I first stumbled across “Wool” I was blown away. Don’t want to say too much about it because that “wham” moment is part of the thrill…

    5. GoryDetails*

      Not sure if I’d recommend this or not, but I just watched “Under Paris” on Netflix – basically, “Jaws in the Seine”. I did find some of the characters appealing – though the body-count is very high, so several favorites didn’t make it past the halfway point. There are a lot of thoroughly ridiculous plot points, but if you like cheesy monster movies you might enjoy this one. (I don’t know if the Rifftrax folks are planning to do commentary on this one, but if they do I bet it’ll be hilarious.)

    6. Teapot Translator*

      I am watching Rosemary and Thyme on Britbox, a cozy murder mystery featuring two gardeners. I like it.

      1. Peanut Hamper*

        I remember watching Felicity Kendall on The Good Life way back when. She’s wonderful and both shows are really good.

        I don’t think anybody who’s not British can make a murder mystery cozy, btw. It really is!

        1. allathian*

          I don’t think Americans can do it, but they do a decent job in New Zealand. I can think of at least two examples, Brokenwood Mysteries and My Life Is Murder (starring the amazing Lucy Lawless).

    7. goddessoftransitory*

      Plowing happily through Murdoch Mysteries; up to season 12. Love Crabtree ranting about their manuscript: “This is the dullest thing I’ve ever read in my life! If I was in a pitched battle against a lion and this was read over a bullhorn, I might be able to keep it to a few yawns!”

      I’m especially enjoying playing Spot the Horses; with period shows that have lots of carriages and such, it gets really easy to see the same horses over and over pulling different things. I missed my favorite, a light roan with a fun blotched nose I called Pinky, but recently spotted him in the background in a field! I would guess he’s retired but still making cameos.

    8. allathian*

      We completed Shogun last week and it’s stayed with me, so I definitely recommend it if you can handle the violence.

      Just finished the most recent season of McDonald & Dodds. Very good and pretty cozy cop show set in Bath. The main characters are a WOC Detective Inspector and her older Sergeant who’s a bit socially awkward but very intelligent.

      Watched the first episode of the new SW show The Acolyte. Looks promising.

      Also watching a great documentary miniseries about the murder of Swedish Prime Minister Olof Palme. Much of the material is based upon the research by Millennium author Stieg Larsson who was apparently obsessed with solving the murder and left a large archive.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        I am really enjoying Shogun, in that there are a slew of characters all ruthlessly pursuing their own self-interest.

        I have become quite fond of Lady Fuji.

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          I really enjoyed Shogun and the characters because every single person has REASONS for what they’re doing; not just “I’m an a-hole” or a cackling villain.

    9. Helvetica*

      I found on Prime a French show called “Nicolas Le Floc” (Nicholas in English) about a French policeman/commissaire solving all kinds of mysteries and crimes in 18th century France. I am enjoying the historic elements, the stories, the dashing main character, and the very deep French-ness of it all. It’s also just a lot of swashbuckling fun that provides perfect entertainment.

    10. RussianInTexas*

      Renegade Jane on Disney plus, a fun swashbuckler one season. Just finished the season two of Resident Alien, which is hilarious and highly recommend.
      Also, new episodes of The Brokenwood Mysteries and McDonald and Dodd on Acorn.
      The latest season of Rick and Morty.

    11. Pharmgirl*

      I’m also rewatching Justified, after realizing I never watched the last two seasons! Just finished Season 3 and I’ve really been enjoying it. I forgot how much I loved the show. I’ve been listened to a rewatch podcast as well, which is adding to the fun.

      I’ve also finally started watching The Shield, which has been on my list for probably a decade. The first season is almost 20 years old but it is so so good! I’m just about finished with season 1 and I’m having a hard time not staying up late hitting “next episode”. Definitely recommend this one!

      1. allathian*

        Yes, I liked it too. The only American gritty cop show I like even more is The Wire.

      2. PX*

        ooh what’s the Justified rewatch podcast? I love Justified to an unhealthy degree and would love some associated media to go with it

        1. Pharmgirl*

          Next One’s Coming Faster – a guy who’s seen the show a bunch rewatching with two friends who haven’t. It’s a fun dynamic and they all have different perspectives.

      3. Falling Diphthong*

        Justified is so great at having every character, even Second Henchman, feel like they are a fully realized person who is starring in their own show, which happens to have crossed over with Justified this week.

        Even small characters, the writers thought about the REASONS. (nod to goddessoftransitory)

    12. Anonymous Educator*

      Currently watching and would recommend The Acolyte and Doctor Who (new season). Just finished Star Trek: Discovery and would also recommend it.

    13. fposte*

      I just watched Alma’s Not Normal, a British comedy-esque about a woman dealing with her messed up childhood and addict mother while trying to break into acting. It definitely takes a humorous view but is poignant and humane about everyone. And it’s apparently based on writer/star Sophie Willian’s own life, so it makes me very happy she’s having some good success now.

    14. noncomitally anonymous*

      About halfway through Eric on Netflix, about a small child that goes missing in 80s New York. Benedict Cumberbatch is amazing, as usual. The plot is hinting heavily at the resolution, but it’s oddly fascinating.

      I tried watching The Staircase, but the incessant jumping backward and forward in the timeline made me give up, even though I know the basic outline of the story.

    15. Water Everywhere*

      We Are Lady Parts – a determinedly proper, drama-averse woman crosses paths with an all-woman punk band ‘Lady Parts’ and maybe the life she has planned out for herself isn’t actually what she wants? Season 1 came out in 2021 and is the most perfectly executed tiny (6 episodes) gem of a show; you’ll laugh, cry, cheer, sympathy cringe. Season 2 was recently released and is about to be available where I live and I CANNOT WAIT.

      1. PX*

        We Are Lady Parts is great! haven’t watched S2 yet but just waiting for the right weekend to binge it

    16. carcinization*

      I watched the 3-part Stax documentary that HBO recently released, I was really impressed. My husband and I went to the Stax museum in 2005 or 2006 and had had no idea that it had only opened in 2003 after the place being a vacant lot for decades!

  9. WellRed*

    Can any recommend laundry detergent sheets? They’ve caught my eye but all seem to be on a subscription model (which annoys me on principle) but I’d love to stop feeling guilty about huge plastic jugs.

    1. Emma*

      Apparently laundry sheets still contain plastic :(.

      I was also interested , and was disappointed to learn that. I recommend giving it a google. Powdered detergent is I think the only thing plastic free.

      1. Peanut Hamper*

        I have made my own laundry detergent for years using borax, washing soda, and Fels Naptha soap. I use vinegar in the rinse cycle and it works great. The recipe is easy to find on the internet, and requires some work, but a little goes a long way.

        In a pinch, I’ve sometimes grated some Zote soap into the washer. Seems to get things clean. I think most commercial laundry soap is highly over-rated. Gotta pay for all those ads!

        1. BellaStella*

          What is washing soda? I have not heard of this so I googled and I discovered details that it is sodium carbonate not bicarbonate and also how to make laundry soap too, all on the site The Spruce. Thank you for prompting me to look this up!

          1. Peanut Hamper*

            Yep, it’s sodium carbonate, not bicarbonate. It works by saponifying oils, which makes them soluble in water. It also helps to soften the water you are washing in, if hard water is a problem. It’s usually sold as a laundry booster. It’s great stuff.

    2. Seashell*

      I have used ones from Sheets Laundry club through Amazon. No subscription required. I like that there is an unscented option, because my husband always buys scented liquid detergent and I would rather not have the scent.

      Consumer Reports said the sheets don’t clean that well, but I am not rolling around in dirt, so they seem to do ok for me.

    3. lbd*

      I tried them and found that I needed about a 1/4 of a package for one load of my really grimy work clothes, so I used them for my hand wash only laundry just to use them up, and went back to powdered detergent in a cardboard package.

    4. office hobbit*

      I’ve been using either EcoNext or TruEarth (I’ll check tomorrow!), my local natural foods store had them. No subscription. They seem to work fine for mildly soiled clothes, but I still have a partial jug of liquid detergent I use for anything very dirty. Consumer Reports evaluated several brands and I believe they found the same. I haven’t decided yet what I’ll use when my current jug runs out.

      1. office hobbit*

        What I have is Ecos, so not either of my guesses! NYT’s Wirecutter has an informative article about laundry sheets and alternatives.

    5. Roland*

      Is powder detergent an option? It usually comes in paper boxes. Used it for years sith no issues.

    6. Grandma to three cats*

      I’ve used TruEarth for a while now and they work well for me. Auto mechanic son also uses them and is satisfied.

    7. the Viking Diva*

      I found that the sheets left residue on my clothes. My hypothesis is that my compact HE machine just doesn’t use enough water to rinse thoroughly.

      1. Rosyglasses*

        This happened to us as well. We use Nellie’s powdered laundry soap which is the best eco type we have found for us.

    8. Slightly Less Evil Bunny*

      We’ve used sheets from HeySunday. They’re not bad. In terms of cleaning ability, they seem fine. But you’re supposed to toss them in while the washer is filling with water, so they can dissolve before you add clothes. And even though I have a top loader, it’s so computerized that you can’t just start the water flow without actually selecting and starting a wash cycle. For that reason, I tend to prefer laundry tablets instead.

  10. Shutterdoula*

    I’m looking for a new crossbody purse, medium size, budget about $100-150. Previous bag was Fossil and I loved it, it lasted about 7 years, but I don’t see any I like on their site. I’m not a trendy person, so I’m looking for something fairly classic and neutral. Crossbody is a must.

    1. Hatchet*

      If you’re okay with leather, take a look at Portland Leather – they’ve got several options in your price range & quality seems to be solid. (Many thanks to whomever recommended them on a weekend thread months ago!)

      2. Katie*

        I recommend this brand too!

        I got some of their Almost Perfect (which are their ‘defects’) purses and have seen no issues with them.

      3. carcinization*

        Bookmarking their site when I need a new crossbody bag! I also have a Fossil right now but am not completely impressed with the most recent iteration.

    2. Pippa K*

      It’s not my most beautiful bag, but I recently got a Baggalini “Original Everyday” bag and love it. It’s not big but so practical, with pockets in all the right places. Baggalini has a reputation for long lasting quality construction and so far that’s what I’m seeing. They’ve got a lot of other crossbody styles, too, but I can recommend the Original Everyday if you don’t need a large bag.

      1. Silent E*

        Seconding Baggalini! I have purchased 2 crossbody bags from them and have really enjoyed them. The bags are well-made and have lasted a long time.

      2. The Prettiest Curse*

        Baggalini bags are great – I had one as my everyday handbag while I was in the US and it lasted a long time. I’m trying to find a new crossbody bag now too, but unfortunately Baggalini don’t seem to be available in the UK.

      3. Falling Diphthong*

        Fourthing the Baggalini. I bought one of their bags for a vacation years ago, and it has become my regular purse.

        It has the correct number of pockets (something I praise in Osprey luggage): Enough to organize my things, but not so many that I can’t remember where I would have put the band aids.

    3. DistantAudacity*

      Fjallreven might be for you! (Canvas/fabric-style)
      Their shoulder/crossbody bags have a strap that is wide enough to not dig into your shoulder, the quality is really good, and many of their models come in a very large variety of colours.

    5. Blue wall*

      I got a Baggu recently and used it on an international trip; it was great in terms of what it fit and being lightweight itself.

    6. Agnes Grey*

      Are you familiar with Tom Bihn? I had one of their Cafe Bags for a long time, very practical and durable. Definitely more bag-y than purse-y if that matters.

      1. Agnes Grey*

        Oh, and I got a crossbody purse from Sakroots a few years ago that I really like. Cute pattern, plenty of pockets.

      2. Anna Crusis*

        I’ve used a Cafe Bag since 2007-8 or so and another one that is a few years younger (different colors). They still look good, and I love that they are hand-washable. I’m thinking it’s time to add a 3rd color, and might go with a different style. Not sure yet, but I don’t always need to be able to carry a water bottle, book, or small knitting project everywhere.

    7. Nihil Scio*

      I’m in Canada, but the most amazing cross-body leather bags are from Roots. I’ve had mine 10 years and it only gets better

    8. Rosyglasses*

      I really like Michael Kors Jet Set crossbody bag – they have a tiny one but a medium size that is very roomy but not bulky and comes in a variety of colors. On their website it looks like the Saffiano leather ones are on major sale right now – 69 to 99 for some colors.

    9. H.Regalis*

      Duluth Trading Company. They only have a couple of crossbody options available, but it’s all leather and their stuff is high quality and lasts forever.

    10. Verily*

      I love my Lululemon crossbody. It’s nylon but it’s black with gold zipper and hardware, so it looks neutral and works with any outfit unless I am really dressing up, and in terms of size it is definitely bigger on the inside! I have been using it daily for a year and a half and it still looks brand new. I got it to replace a Roots canvas crossbody that I had been using on and off for 15 years, so I would say Roots is also a brand worth checking out if it’s available where you are.

  11. Sunset’s Light*

    I have some family drama going on right now. To make a very long story short, my sister has been living in another country for several years because she fell in love with a local. They had had plans to get engaged in the near future, when he was out of grad school but she has come to the revelation that he has been emotionally manipulative for a while; she is leaving him and is working on coming back to the USA. My parents are not taking it well, because the ex-boyfriend has been in our family for the last 6 or 7 years and they clearly saw him as part of the family.

    They are convinced that my sister is going through mental health struggles and that is the only reason for their break up. My sister acknowledges she has had some mental health issues recently and she’s getting help for it, but she says that this is not the core of her break up with her long-term boyfriend because the mental health issues were over the last couple months and she has realized his true self over the last year. My sister is currently not speaking to our parents because they just keep hounding her to get back with her boyfriend and are not being helpful to her trying to work on her mental health.

    She has spoken to me that she is seeking out a new therapist to deal with her struggles and is working on settling her stuff in the other country to come home. She allowed me to tell our parents that she is OK and is dealing with physical/mental stuff and she would like some space from them. I already had plans to visit our parents this weekend before all of this occurred. I have a feeling they’re going to ask me for details my sister gave me, but I wish to keep her confidence so that she always feels safe talking to me, and I would only tell them something if I was truly believe that she was in danger.

    My sister does have a tendency to exaggerate, but I believe her on the whole. There is a part of me that is dying to ask my parents their involvement, because she has gone no contact for the fact that they won’t let her ex go and they keep pampering him with gifts to try and get him to stay with my sister (dinners and a month of free rent). As much as I would love to probe my parents about what they are thinking and if their actions are true, not exaggerated about my sister, I do not want to put myself in the middle of this. I wish to be a safe space for my sister, no matter what our parents do, and I do believe that they have gone crazy over this break up because they have a tendency to hang onto the exes of me and my siblings.

    So what should I do for my visit this weekend if my parents pro me for more details from my sister? Just shut it down and tell them she asked for space and let her reach out to them? Do I let them talk to see if they corroborate the details my sister gave me?

    1. Alex*

      Definitely stay out of it as much as you can if you want to maintain relationships yourself with both your parents and your sister. I think stating a boring “Mmm hmm” when they complain about her to you or “I really don’t want to be involved,” if they ask you anything is the way to go. You may get lots more information by listening to what they say even without your participation or asking, so just let the chips fall where they may without intervening.

    2. BikeWalkBarb*

      Did you also send this to Carolyn Hax in a Friday chat? It feels really familiar.

      I’d definitely shut them down if you’re going to stay out of the middle of it. You’re not going to be able to probe any “truth” when people are telling you their version from their perspective. They’ll want to defend their actions and your sister isn’t even there. Do not engage on it.

      The only other thing you might say is “Mom, Dad, if I were in a bad situation I’d want you to believe and support me, not my boyfriend. I’m your daughter, I’ll always be your daughter, and I’d want you to give me a chance for you to understand what I’ve been through.” I say this after my mom thought she was being helpful staying in touch with my ex-husband “so he could take our granddaughters to the family lake cabin” instead of counting on me, their daughter, to be the one who could take them. My mom was awesome in many ways and meant well but hadn’t thought about maintaining the relationship with him as putting him before her own daughter.

      1. Sunset’s Light*

        Don’t even know who/what Carolyn Haxx is so that wasn’t me. Sorry you had to see with your mother keeping in touch with your ex for things that weren’t needed. She should have trusted you to arrange the trips with your kids.

        1. Heffalump*

          She’s an advice columnist in the Washington Post. In addition to her column, every Friday she has an online chat from 9 a.m. to noon Eastern time. She’s the gold standard of advice columnists IMO.

      2. Lexi Vipond*

        I think a different version of it was posted here a weekend or two ago, when the sister started talking about moving back, but before the parents were trying to hang on to the ex.

      3. WellRed*

        There was a commenter a few weeks ago whose sister was back from living on another country, but had visa problems and mental health issues. I think there was a boyfriend in that one too.

    3. Zweisatz*

      The best thing to have handy when you want to protect someone’s confidence is a statement that you can repeat in perpetuity when asked. “What’s up with sister’s weird behavior?” I think she is doing what she needs right now and we will see where the chips fall. “Do you know how we can contact her? she’s not answering.” I think she is doing what she needs right now and will reach out whenever she is ready. “Did she contact you?” I think she is doing what she needs right now. How about that topic change?

      Prepare a phrase or two in advance and don’t be afraid to use a non-sequitur. People are much less likely to point it out than one might think and the art of the topic pivot can end many a tense discussion. Just don’t say “Can we talk about something else”, but launch right in. Ideally into a topic that your parents love/can talk about forever.
      If all else fails, excuse yourself to the bathroom/some kitchen prep/announce that you need some fresh air.

    4. Andromeda*

      This has my hackles up on you and your sister’s behalf. Agree with grey rocking if your parents push you for details, and if you can muster it the subtle subject change (though this is harder than it looks especially when frustrated/nervous — don’t feel guilty about just removing yourself if you need to).

      In a broader sense, offering your sister’s ex *a month of free rent* (which in my city would be about a grand) as a bribe feels WILDLY not normal to me, especially given what your sister has said about him. You say they like to hang onto relationships with your exes — have they made you feel like their bonds with them are more important than their bonds with you? Do they disbelieve your sister about other things?

        1. Andromeda*

          Not even that, since sister has already said she wants nothing to do with that particular person. The fact that her parents are explicitly using her poor mental health as a reason to disregard her wishes is really upsetting, and actually reads a bit gaslighty. Do they seem otherwise concerned with her mental health, and/or are they using it to convince Sister that she doesn’t know what she actually wants?

          OP, you know your family situation best, but wanted to flag that the facts as they are laid out here make your parents seem like they are behaving really badly.

    5. Sloanicota*

      Honestly, even if your sister did exaggerate, and even if her mental health influenced her decision to leave this boyfriend – a woman still has the absolute right to leave her boyfriend for any reason at any time, and all the other adults in her life need to respect that. Your parents are so very much in the wrong here.

      1. Zweisatz*

        Yeah. Given how hard it is to leave a relationship generally it seems very unkind to me to second-guess that decision. Add to that the implication that women or people with mental health struggles don’t know what’s best for them? Just no.

      2. Shutterdoula*

        This is where I stand, too. My adult children are ADULTS more than they are children, and they get to make their own decisions. Even if I were to think they were making a big mistake, they still get to make their own decisions!
        If they asked me “Am I making a good choice?” or “Is this a mistake?” or something, I might (or might not) tell them my opinion. But if they come to me with “I am leaving Mike” or something, I would hear them out and then ask how I can support them with their new plans.

      3. AGD*

        This! Doesn’t matter what her reasons are or whether they seem ‘good enough’ to anyone else.

      4. goddessoftransitory*

        This, so much. I love Cheryl Strayed’s collection of Dear Sugar columns, and one of her themes is you are allowed to leave, because you want to.

        Even if the person loves you. Even if they aren’t abusive. Leaving isn’t something you have to earn through suffering. Obviously you want to do it as kindly as you can, but honestly–if I was the sister’s ex? I would NOT want her forcing herself to be with me. That’s far more hurtful and insulting in the long run.

        1. Heffalump*

          Someone once wrote Carolyn Hax asking if his reasons for wanting to break up with his GF were good enough. Carolyn led off with, “You can break up with her because you think she doesn’t look good in purple.”

      5. Observer*

        Honestly, even if your sister did exaggerate, and even if her mental health influenced her decision to leave this boyfriend – a woman still has the absolute right to leave her boyfriend for any reason at any time,

        This. 100%

        Even if she is making a mistake- it’s HER mistake to make. They’ve said their piece. They now need to stand back and let things take their course.

    6. Maggie*

      Wow, your parents are horrendously out of line, and I wouldn’t blame her if she never spoke to them again. Personally I wouldn’t want to visit people that were treating someone I love so abhorrently!! I would be a broken record. “I have nothing else to say.” “I’m not discussing it further.” And then just let the silence hang. I’d have a plan for transportation etc if you need to end the visit early because it sounds like they have no clue how to behave.

    7. H.Regalis*

      You probably already went to visit your folks, but this will also likely keep coming up, so:

      1. Stay out of it. As much as you are dying of curiosity (I get it!), do not get in the middle of this. Nothing good will come of that.

      2. If your parents keep pestering you about it and won’t let it go, leave. Yes, it will be awkward. Yes, it will feel like you are ruining the weekend. You’re not though and they’ll get over it. It’s going to be hard to stay out of the situation if they won’t stop talking to you about it.

      3. Even if your sister exaggerates, even if she has mental health issues, even if this guy isn’t abusive, even if everyone thinks she’s making a bad decision . . . she’s an adult with autonomy and she gets to leave this guy if she wants. It’s her life and this doesn’t need to be approved by a committee of her family.

    8. Observer*

      Just shut it down and tell them she asked for space and let her reach out to them? Do I let them talk to see if they corroborate the details my sister gave me?

      Yes, and no.

      Shut it down and don’t get into this discussion with them.

      It doesn’t really matter if your sister is exaggerating. She feels strongly enough about this that she’s taking some fairly major action, and they need to let go. They spoke their piece and now they need to accept her decision. I TOTALLY understand your parents, but they are not handling it well. Even if they are correct that Sis’s mental health struggles are at the heart of her breakup, they are STILL not handling things well.

      Offer to help her and support her in dealing with her mental health? Absolutely. The rest is way out of line, no matter what the issue is. So, getting into specific details does not help and could easily do a lot of harm.

  12. Heffalump*

    On this morning’s commute I saw a fairly new Porsche convertible with Washington state vanity plate: QUACK. I couldn’t help wondering if there’s a duck club at the driver’s workplace.

      1. Heffalump*

        That occurred to me. There’s no reason a UO grad couldn’t have settled in Seattle after college.

  13. Daisy*

    Deutsche Fernsehen thread! German-language TV or YouTube recommendations sought.

    I’m trying to bone up on my German (for obvious reasons) and I’ve been enjoying the crime drama Der Letzte Zeuge, which I watched some of back during the last time I was living in Germany, as well as Sisi (Astro-Hungarian costume drama) and She-Ra auf Deutsch, but would love to have more! Anything where you can easily infer the topic of conversation from context is good.

    Thanks!

    1. KeinName*

      There was a very gripping German Netflix show set at a university called Biohackers. Set in Freiburg. I enjoyed it though it’s very far from real life student and academic life in Germany (or I can only hope that for the Germans).
      The Austrian broadcaster ORF has a TVTHEK which has nice series, don’t know if that streams in your country. And ARTE is also online and has high quality stuff.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        DARK on Netflix is also in German. The sub is way better than the dub and I recommend it even for those not trying to learn German. It’s very convoluted horrorish sci-fi but it’s good. I have yet to finish the last season; it’s been so long I kinda feel like I’m gonna have to start over.

    2. Gretta Swathmore*

      Maxton hall on prime – the characters are supposed to be British, but the native language it’s shot in is German.

      Also, Babylon Berlin (high end German show about the Weimar Republic) is SO AWESOME. One of my favorite shows ever. It was on Netflix, now it’s on some weird streaming service called MHz choice (Amazon extra channel).

      I don’t speak German at all, but felt like I was starting to pick some up just from watching those shows.

    3. Helvetica*

      This is in German and English but I enjoyed on Netflix “The Defeated”, about 1946 Berlin, with a strong police and crime element. Not sure how easy the German is but the show is very good.

    4. Chris in Scotland*

      The German broadcaster Deutsche Welle has lots of resources for learning German, with two series based on short videos with good stories, Nicos Weg and Jojo sucht das Glueck. It easy to skip the exercises and just follow the story!

      1. Neurodivergent in Germany*

        Seconding.
        Deutsche Welle (inland public radio) should be accessible online. They have news in simplified German and good documentary stuff.
        Also check out the regional public broadcasters on YouTube: SWR, NDR, RBB, MDR, BR. They have great documentary stuff, e.g. BR has programming for the Deaf community, SWR has ancient crafts…

    5. Chaordic One*

      My local PBS station had broadcast a soapy, but entertaining, mini-series called “Our Miracle Years” about a once well-to-do industrialist family rebuilding their lives following World War II. It’s in German but has English subtitles.

    6. Grandma Mazur*

      Deutschland 83 was quite good! Didn’t watch the follow-up series (deutschland 89?) to the end I seem to recall – got a bit more unrealistic.

      Oh – Goodbye Lenin and Run Lola Run if you’re also looking for film recs, although they’re much better known.

        1. Heffalump*

          Good-bye Lenin was great all the way through, but the fake newscasts were the best laugh-out-loud moment for me. Other German films I’ve enjoyed:

          Maybe, Maybe Not
          Winter Sleepers
          Mostly Martha

    7. Meetmoot*

      Jo-Jo Sucht Das Glück and Nicos Weg through Deutsche Welle are good for early German learners.

      Türkisch Für Anfänger and Doctor‘s Diary are also at an okay German level and it’s easy enough to read what’s happening in the scene. Be aware that they‘re older shows (pre-2010) so contain some jokes or relationship styles that wouldn’t fly today.

      I also rate Babylon Berlin, Dark, and Das Boot.

      Once your German is at maybe a C1 level I’d also suggest Hubert und Staller. It’s a lighthearted, very funny murder-solving show but they speak in Bavarian dialect so it might be hard to understand. Could always try with subtitles though.

    8. hazel herds cats*

      MHz Choice (a prime channel) has a bunch of good German content. One favorite of mine is Homicide Hills. So funny, and excellent German.

    9. Heike Scheffer*

      My all-time favourite German show is “Mord mit Aussicht” (the original series, not the new one, which has almost none of the magnificent original cast and none of the writers, and is frankly terrible). It’s an extremely gentle police comedy in which a hot-shot city cop, Sophie Haas, is “promoted” by her sexist boss to head of a police station in a rural backwater, the village of Hängarsch, and the village itself is as much of a character as the three police officers. It’s very unusual for cop show in several respects: there’s very little violence but when it does happen, it’s frightening and shocking and even the police are shaken; the audience never gets to see the crimes being committed but, like the police, have to work back from the evidence as it is uncovered; it passes the Bechdel test so fast and hard it leaves it in the dust; and the primary focus is on the cast of wonderfully idiosyncratic inhabitants of the village, both recurring characters and main, all of whom are played by outstanding actors who are very good at comedy. It’s one of my favourite shows of all time – it ended when the actors got fed up with the network giving them less and less time to rehearse and quit rather than reduce the quality. It’s on Netflix in Germany, I’m afraid I don’t know about anywhere else.

  14. Peanut Hamper*

    Because of some other comments on this thread and also the Friday open thread from the past few months, I think I need to watch the movie 9 to 5 again because it’s 1) good, 2) hilarious, 3) filled with talented people, and 4) still relevant.

    Are there any old movies like this you’d recommend as a good weekend watch? (I recently watched the 1968 version of Planet of the Apes and now I have the itch to watch old, but still relevant, movies.)

    1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      *10 Things I Hate About You *– free with ads on YouTube right now. It’s the 1999 teen rom-com that is reworking/updating *Taming of the Shrew*. I forgot how hilarious it is, and it has that charming scene with Heath Ledger flirting with Julia Stiles by singing “Can’t Take My Eyes Off of You.” 10/10.

      *But I’m a Cheerleader* (I think you’ll have to pay to stream it). A hilarious takedown of anti-LGBTQ+ conversion therapy. I know the topic doesn’t sound funny, but the movie is great — it deals with a serious subject in a lighthearted way that is designed to point out how !@#$@#$ing ridiculous conversion therapy is and how !@#$@#$@#ed up people who promote it are. Spoiler: It has a happy ending for several characters. A good Pride month choice!

      2. RC*

        10 Things and also Romy and Michele are both on Hulu now (I think?). The latter is still enjoyable and I’ve been meaning to watch the former again too!

    2. Sunset’s Light*

      All five movies of original Planet of the Apes are so fun! Highly recommend them. The only other old movie that jumps to mind is the original La Belle et La Bete in French.

    3. Skates*

      I have always loved Rear Window but seeing it post-covid when we were all indoors for years was a whole new experience.

      1. Jay (no, the other one)*

        One of my faves and what a good point about lockdown! Will watch again.

      2. goddessoftransitory*

        Such a great movie–when I watched it with Husband I got to see him be dazzled by Grace Kelly in real time.

    4. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I’m having an urge lately to revisit some of the classic favorites from my childhood – Princess Bride, Labyrinth, but also possibly some Mel Brooks.

        1. Blueprint blues*

          I liked the remake 2000’s? version of the producers much better than the Mel Brooks one.

          if you like comparisons: old and new Sabrina (Bogart, Harrison Ford).

          1. Heffalump*

            The original is my all-time favorite movie. I’ve seen it 8 or 9x and could see it again. Granted, I haven’t seen the new one, but the original set a very high bar.

            I love the scene where the playwright’s landlady says, “Boids. Dirty, disgusting, filt’y, lice-ridden boids.” A former supervisor of mine said he grew up in Brooklyn, NY, and that was how he talked as a kid.

        2. Seashell*

          I loved Harold & Maude. I was thinking of trying to get my adult kid to watch it.

      2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Reading this thread also made me think of Sneakers, which was way better than it had any business being.

        “I want peace on earth and good will toward men.”
        “We’re the United States government, we don’t DO that sort of thing.”

        2. Hastily Blessed Fritos*

          It holds up! We watched it for family movie night with our 11-year-old last week. Way ahead of its time and an absolutely amazing cast.

        1. Jay (no, the other one)*

          Showed that to my kid about 12 years ago (she was 12) and had completely forgotten the liberal use of the n-word. Since we made that an absolutely no-go in our house, including in the music she listened to, she found it more than a little hypocritical of me….

          1. Clisby*

            It’s a no-go in our house, but that didn’t stop us from letting our kids watch The Wire.

    5. Nicki Name*

      I don’t know about relevant, but the original Italian Job seems like a good weekend watch.

      1. Filosofickle*

        I think the remake was miles better! That’s rarely true, but for me this is one of the exceptions.

    6. goddessoftransitory*

      Clueless, the first and best of the modern Austen adaptations. Comedy is so hard to do well and this film just nails it. (Dan Hayeda as the dad is a masterpiece.)

    7. Jay*

      I’m a fan of the comedies of the 70’s and 80’s.
      Monty Python And The Holy Grail, The Naked Gun, Airplane!, Spaceballs (This is also one of the best Star Wars movies ever made. No. Really. It is.), Blazing Saddles, Robinhood Men In Tights (This is also one of the best Robin Hood movies ever made. No. Really. It is.).

      Or maybe a Musical Mocumentary binge with This Is Spinal Tap, A Mighty Wind, Fear Of A Black Hat, and Weird: The Al Yankovic Story.

      1. AcademiaNut*

        Toss in Galaxy Quest – a bit later, but one of the best Star Trek movies ever made (No. Really. It is).

      2. sagewhiz*

        Pretty Woman
        Erasure — totally underrated! action/comedy with Arnold Schwarzenegger & Vanessa Williams
        RED (Retired and Extremely Dangerous)

        And yup, seconding too many others to repeat ;-)

    8. *daha**

      The Conversation (1974). Gene Hackman is an independent surveillance expert, famous in his field. He is hired to record two people who will be walking out of doors, in a public park, in the middle of a crowd. There are complications. There’s a long slow build of suspense. Harrison Ford has an early, minor, role.

      2. goddessoftransitory*

        Such a great film! It can be hard for a modern viewer who’s used to cell phones recording everything they do to “get” why you would need an expert back in the day, but as you gradually hear more and more of the conversation you’re totally sucked in.

    10. Cookies For Breakfast*

      I watched Some Like It Hot last year, and loved it. I laughed a lot and was so not expecting the ending!

      Also, a comment mentioned Monty Python – my pick would be Life of Brian. I will never tire of the scene where he writes a mural in Latin (first watched it with my mother, who was a literature teacher; I was a teenager forced to study Latin in school; we both couldn’t stop laughing).

    11. Forensic13*

      Not sure if it counts as “old,” but I’ll never stop telling more people to watch Who Framed Roger Rabbit. It’s funny, actually a great noir, and one of the few “fantasy” stories that actually uses its race analogy well.

      1. AGD*

        Seconding! It’s well-written, hugely imaginative, both funny and moving, and astonishing in its technical achievement. I can’t get over the fact that they did this without computers, in spite of the constantly changing lighting and camera angles. The amount of forethought that must have been necessary boggles my mind. Having to ensure all the actors’ sight-lines were correct for so many characters who hadn’t been drawn in yet? Incredible. A lot of things converged to make the film possible and we may never see anything quite like it again – so it’s just as well that it was the one time when all those studios agreed to put their characters on the screen together.

    12. Helvetica*

      Oldness is subjective but recently I’ve seen two great 80s/90s movies:
      “A Fish Called Wanda” is supreme – the plot is fun and entertaining and Jamie Lee Curtis is so alluring that I have no problem believing her effect on all the men in the movie.
      I also enjoyed “French Kiss” recently with Meg Ryan and Kevin Kline. Really made me miss the good old 90s romcoms with silly, yet substantial plots, realistic-looking main characters, intense chemistry and 90 minutes runtime.

        1. Clisby*

          Jamie Lee Curtis to Kevin Kline: “Every man for himself is NOT the fundamental tenet of Buddhism!” (or something like that).

      2. Angstrom*

        You can absolutely believe that the Cleese charater would melt for Curtis. In the scene where she first comes to see him she is radiant.

    13. Trixie Belden was my hero*

      Young Frankenstein
      The Poseidon Adventure (RIP Shelly Winters) all star cast
      The Towering Inferno

      1. Trixie Belden was my hero*

        Anything Swayze!

        Dirty Dancing
        Red Dawn
        Ghost
        City of Joy
        To Wong Foo, Thanks for everything Julie Newmar
        Roadhouse (Be nice! not the reboot, Gyllenhaal is NO Swayze!)

    14. BellaStella*

      I love Casablanca and Lawrence of Arabia as well as A Christmas Story. For not very old too I would say for me Breakfast Club, Lost Boys, and anything with Clooney in it. For foreign films anything with Jean Dujardin is good form funny to serious. Also a movie called Before the Rain (Macedonian)

      1. WellRed*

        I’ve been thinking about giving the breakfast club another watch, or maybe st Elmo’s fire.

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          I actually had a dream about Breakfast Club era Judd Nelson last night!

        2. Elizabeth West*

          Breakfast Club is slightly problematic to me — the whole Bender/Claire harassment thing is cringe now. But I rewatched The Lost Boys when I fixed my Blu-ray speakers and it holds up fairly well.

          Sixteen Candles contains some serious ick, but Marlene the Lumberjack (the “sexy girlfriend”) is my favorite character and always will be. She’s a total badass — does her own thing, goes for the man she wants with no hesitation, and is unapologetically herself.

    15. Chauncy Gardener*

      Harold and Maude
      Blazing Saddles
      Moscow on the Hudson
      A Midsummer’s Night Sex Comedy
      If It’s Tuesday It Must be Belgium
      Roman Holiday
      North by Northwest
      Charade

      1. Agnes Grey*

        I’m so glad to know there’s someone else out there who’s seen If It’s Tuesday This Must Be Belgium!

    19. Chaordic One*

      The Loved One (1965) Too bad it was filmed in black and white. It’s a hysterical and prescient comedy based on a 1948 Evelyn Waugh novel (with a strong influence from the 1963 nonfiction book, The American Way of Death) about the American funeral-industrial complex. It features an all-star cast headed by a pre-Mad Men Robert Morse and Jonathan Winters.

      Vertigo (1958) The actual movie was kind of meh, but Alfred Hitchcock was a master cinematographer with an uncanny ability to film aesthetically beautiful scenes. He was at his absolute best in this movie. I fall in love with the beautiful scenes of the San Francisco. I like to watch it with the sound turned off

      1. Clisby*

        The Loved One: “There’s got to be a way to get those stiffs off my property!”

    20. Also cute and fluffy!*

      Fandango (1985). College graduation set in 1971 with the leads having one last road trip before Vietnam & elsewhere. Starring very young Judd Nelson & Kevin Costner.

    21. The OG Sleepless*

      Amazingly, my family had a wonderful time watching The Sound of Music a few weeks ago. My kids are college age and their taste in movies tends to be really dark and sarcastic. The Sound of Music came up in conversation and I asked if either of them had ever actually seen it. They had not. I cringed a bit when I went to put it on, because I wasn’t sure if my goth/metal/snarky humor kids would go for Rodgers and Hammerstein in Technicolor. They loved it! I guess the story is so timeless and there was just so much talent there.

      1. The OG Sleepless*

        I loved that one! We rented it, I think more than once, at Blockbuster and watched it on the VCR in my friend’s dorm room. Ah, college in the late 80s.

      2. Mrs. Frisby*

        I was about to add this; so glad to see someone already had! One of my absolute favorites with lots of nostalgia as I used to watch it with my grandma and we would laugh and laugh.

      3. Peanut Hamper*

        “I’m a small black woman in a big silver box!” has stuck with me to this day. It’s hilarious! Thanks for the reminder. I’m adding this to my list.

    23. Water Everywhere*

      9 to 5 got me thinking about other favourite 80s movies so here’s my recs:
      – Dirty Dancing (absolutely holds up)
      – Moonstruck
      – Steel Magnolias
      – Bull Durham
      – Parenthood
      – already mentioned but worth repeating; The Princess Bride, When Harry Met Sally, Who Framed Roger Rabbit, A Fish Called Wanda
      Happy watching!

    24. Nicki Name*

      Arsenic and Old Lace, a fun comedy from the 1930s about murder and insanity! One of those movies that isn’t remembered as a Great Movie or anything, but which a surprising number of people will still get references to.

    25. Rocky*

      Tootsie holds up surprisingly well. Also Galaxy Quest and of course Some Like It Hot.

    26. carcinization*

      During the early part of the pandemic, my husband and I watched quite a few movies we’d missed along the way and such. I can’t remember all of them but one that sticks out is “The Phantom of the Paradise,” that was certainly an interesting one!

  15. Teapot Translator*

    Is there any way to say “But I am fat,” in a neutral, descriptive way?
    More context: I’m fat. Not as in “I wear medium size; I’m so fat”. I shop in the plus size section. I cannot take for granted that regular stores will carry my size.
    Sometimes in conversation, I will say I am fat to make a point, to describe myself objectively or to make other people realise that they are talking to a fat person so their fatphobic comments (about someone else) are not welcome, and they’ll reply, “You’re not fat.” And I don’t know how to reply to that?

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I have experienced that type of with other … descriptors, I guess? And it is really obnoxious. Depending on who it is and the context, my usual response is a raised eyebrow and “Really?” or “Let’s be realistic please.” Occasionally if I felt the effort might be worthwhile I’ve pointed out that “I am (descriptor). I am well aware that I am (descriptor). It’s a state of being that I am very familiar with. Trying to tell me that I’m not, when we both know better, is kind of insulting. Please don’t do it (optional: even if you mean well).”

    2. Snoozing not schmoozing*

      Several years ago, when a coworker was making snide comments about another fat person, I told her to knock it off around me because I was also fat, obviously. Her response was, “But you don’t ACT fat.” I’m still baffled by that after nearly 25 years. I guess it’s part of the whole “every fat person but you” mentality, when you know these people say the same things about you behind your back.

    3. Annie Edison*

      I’m not sure if this would actually communicate what you’re trying to say, and is maybe more pointed than you’re going for, but maybe just pause for a moment, glance down at your own body as if to imply “I can see myself as well as you can and I can plainly see that I am.” Then follow up with a calm “is there something wrong with being fat? I’m using it as a neutral statement of fact”

      1. StudentA*

        That sounds antagonistic. That’s unnecessary.

        I think the response depends on who the other party is. If it’s a close friend or family member, I’d say something like “I am literally a high BMI,” and go on with my story. If it’s, say, a coworker or neighbor, I would just continue with my story.

        There seems to be a tendency among this forum that there’s a need to put someone in their place whenever they say something annoying. Well, I’m here to say, there’s no law saying that you have to teach anyone a lesson.

        1. KeinName*

          I don’t read the suggestions above as antagonistic. Especially the second sentence, ‚I’m Using it as a neutral term‘ might bring across that there is no need for the other person to deny fatness for politeness reasons (as in ‚do I disturb you‘ ‚no not at all!‘ if someone is clearly disturbing you but you are moved to deny it to be polite)

        3. Observer*

          I’d say something like “I am literally a high BMI,”

          Not a really good idea in a lot of cases. It’s become a pretty well known fact that BMI is not a great indicator of healthy weight or not. So, if you are talking to anyone with some awareness it can lead to the kind of discussion that’s even more annoying than the original comment.

      2. Not A Manager*

        Well, I actually like this response, but if it seems too aggressive, just the first part is great and pretty subtle. Do a bit of a double take of your own body, raise an eyebrow, shrug, and continue with your story.

    4. Shutterdoula*

      “Oh, were you using ‘fat’ as an insult to (name)? Is that why it bothers you that I use it to describe myself? Because it’s just an adjective. Not an insult.”
      Optionally, add an “If you want to insult (name) you’ll have to be more creative.” at the end.

    5. Dark Macadamia*

      Depends on the specific conversation and why you think they’re saying it but…

      “Yes I am.”
      “Why did/would you say that?”
      “Um, have you seen me?”
      “It’s not a bad thing.”
      “I’m just stating a fact.”
      “I wasn’t asking for reassurance.”
      (brief, confused stare then continue as if they didn’t say it)

    6. Double A*

      You could ask, “What do you mean by that?”

      Or if you want to open up a conversation, “I’m just using ‘fat’ as a neutral descriptor. How do you think I’m using it?”

      Or, “I don’t attach negativity to that descriptor.”

      1. BikeWalkBarb*

        Or “when you reject my statement about myself you’re rejecting a part of who I am. If you’re my friend you won’t do that.”

        1. Despachito*

          This is a bit tricky, because it assumes that the person saying it really means it as a description and is not saying it in a self-defamatory way, which is not always the case (and should be clarified as OP says).

          If my friend says for example “I am stupid” / “I am ugly” / “I am a cripple”, I would find it difficult to agree, and I would think “when you reject my statement about myself you’re rejecting a part of who I am. If you’re my friend you won’t do that” a bit grating.

          All the above are clearly derogatory but “fat” sort of sits on the fence. Some people use it neutrally, others don’t. So as I said, tricky, and I think OP is spot on when they want to clarify they mean it the neutral way.

    7. Liminality*

      Bahahaha!
      Reading this thread immediately after the ‘old movies’ thread made me immediately flash back to Princess Bride.
      “We are men (people) of action. Lies do not become us.”

    8. RagingADHD*

      I don’t think you have to reply at all. There’s a lot of power in just looking at someone without saying anything.

      Let their silly comment hang there.

    9. Sloanicota*

      A friend and I just worked through this, actually. I am used to her complaining about her weight and wanting to lose weight (I love her at any size). Lately she has shifted to using fat as a neutral descriptor / identity to explore and at first I interpreted it as a request for reassurance. I don’t know if I automatically said “you’re not fat!” but I might have. If these are people you love, it’s worth it to say something like, “being fat doesn’t have to be an insult or some terrible thing. I’m using it as an accurate neutral description. Don’t feel like you have to reassure me.” Because to me, at first it was like she was calling herself stupid or useless or any other insult – because she had been using it that way before – and as her friend I couldn’t just let it stand and agree that she is stupid (I say this as someone who is at least occasionally, objectively stupid). If they’re not people you care about or consider worth educating, you can use some of these other strategies or just say “plus sized” which I think is a more widely accepted neutral term so you can avoid the debate.

    10. AlexandrinaVictoria*

      I simply say “Fat is the descriptor I prefer for myself. Nothing wrong with being fat!” It usually gets the point across. See also “Don’t talk down about yourself….”

    11. Hyaline*

      I think you’re unfortunately up against decades of training in that people have grown used to others soliciting reassurance and encouragement by disparaging themselves—and a common self-disparagement is the fatphobic “I’m fat” fishing for a compliment statement. I think you might be best served heading it off at the pass by pairing what you need to say about your own body and experience with the disclaimer “I’m not using this as a negative term, but” or “keeping in mind that fat is a neutral description, as a fat person I…” or whatever fits. And if people insist on pushing back after that—well, maybe they’re still not getting it but maybe their definition of fat is different and you really don’t fit it but either way, I think a neutral/friendly “fat isn’t a bad word, and it’s how I describe myself/I identify with it” might drive it home. (I think whether this kind of thing sounds antagonistic is highly dependent on tone fwiw—if you’re frustrated and don’t think you can maintain Pleasant but are in a situation where you need to not tick people off you can also just pivot the conversation.)

      1. Despachito*

        But is “fat” really a neutral description (in general)?

        If it was, people would take it as if someone said “I have green eyes” or “I have short hair” – a mere statement with no negative or positive connotations.

        However, we would consider it acceptable to tell a friend “this top goes very well with your green eyes” but probably not “this top goes very well with your fatness”.

        Moreover, “fat” is rather a judgment than an objective statement (there is no strict definition of it and one person can easily see themselves (or others) as fat while another would consider it within the norm).

        I think that because of all the above, “fat” is not perceived as neutral but rather a judgment on a person’s body, and it is safer to leave it out of casual conversations altogether (either as commenting on other persons, or oneself). I would definitely avoid it if talking to strangers/coworkers/acquaintances.

        1. Sloanicota*

          It’s okay to want to reclaim “fat” but I think wanting to do that in a conversation in which you aren’t willing to educate the person you’re talking to is a bit tough, because it comes across like you’re just using something of a slur against yourself if you don’t first give a sign that you are owning it / using it in a different way. If you don’t have the patience to explain – totally understandable – I’d suggest using a neutral word so you can keep the conversation moving.

    12. unpleased*

      Sometimes the best way to get through to someone is just to say one thing and then leave it. People will return to conversations in their minds and get something new out of them over time. It depends, though, on whether the goal is make people reconsider in the immediate moment or to allow them space to do so on their own time. If the latter is acceptable, just keep making the point over consecutive conversations and then move on. Consistency can work.

    13. Despachito*

      I think the word “fat” is very loaded, and it is difficult to say what a person saying “I am fat” wants.

      Some people do want reassurance “you are not fat”, so it would perhaps help to be more specific and say “I mean it as a neutral statement, no bad feelings attached to it.”

      It is also likely to embarass the other person. What is the correct response? A lot of people would feel an answer “yes, you are” as fatphobic.

    14. Observer*

      and they’ll reply, “You’re not fat.” And I don’t know how to reply to that?

      Sometimes I’ll come back with “You’ve just proved my point.” Because so often, the underlying issue is not being seen; having one’s experience being invalidated; and or people hanging on to their notions by thinking of you as an “exception” and thus needing to pretend that you are not “fat” (or whatever it is).

      With “fat” it’s sometimes easy to come back with a dry “my Doctor would disagree with you.” or “Clothing Store X (~~choose a clothing vendor they use~~) would disagree with you.” Depending on the context, it can be surprisingly effective.

  16. kittyStuff*

    My kitty has an allergy to dust and a few other things. I’m working on getting rid of dust, but any suggestions would be welcome. Thanks!

    1. Jay*

      You can make a surprisingly powerful air purifier with furnace filters and a box fan. They can cut dust pretty drastically, if you don’t already have a powerful purifier. Look up a Cursi-Rosenthal Box for step by step instructions.

      1. Liminality*

        In the absence of a specialty filter, (or at least until you get one set up) replacing the furnace/air conditioner filter often really can help. Getting the air ducts / dryer vent professionally cleaned can help too.

    2. The Prettiest Curse*

      Make sure that your air purifier and vacuum cleaner have HEPA filters and clean and/or replace them regularly. I have a dust mite allergy and strongly recommend Sebo brand vacuum cleaners. Unfortunately, they are expensive, but they last forever.

      Also, wash bedding (and your cat’s bedding too, if this is feasible) in hot water weekly. You can get allergy covers for pillows and mattresses that will help to cut down on dust mites. Finally, it’s a lot easier to remove dust from hard floors than carpets, so that’s something to consider if you move or re-do your floors at any point.

    3. Gretta*

      Air purifiers help a lot. I like the Honeywell ones – not ugly, very efficient. Taking off your shoes at the door helps a ton too. I have a really powerful Hepa Miele vacuum – it’s an investment, but it will last me 20-30 years. So much better than brands like Dyson. You can use it to vacuum your upholstery which is helpful for the kitty. Also, wash all your and his bedding in hot once a week to kill the dust mites! Encase your mattress and pillows in dust proof things (this is very key). Get higher level furnace filters. I know it seems like a lot, but as someone with a bad dust mite allergy, this is really effective. It’s some work up front, but now I just have to vacuum and wash my sheets once a week, and change out my air filters every 3 months or so.

  17. Deeply Anon For This One*

    I’m trepidatious about posting this at all, but it’s really bothering me, so here goes:

    I was greatly shocked by the responses to the woman who wrote in about her husband with vertigo, who was frustrated that his less-than-stellar boss Tina did not call her with an update on his whereabouts after an episode. Many people were making some huge assumptions, which the OP addressed in detail. It ended up an enormous pile-on. Not one person seemed to be at all sympathetic to the OP, who, as I see it, was just venting about a stupid boss who made it clear that she didn’t give a single damn about her employee’s health.

    I admit I am biased. I have a hereditary chronic illness, covered by the ADA, that was never a problem at work until my last job, where there were coworkers who literally HATED me for “not being healthy enough”. Now, that was an abnormal workplace. I had had enough work experience to know that what I was dealing with was not normal. At the same time, though, I had never in my fifty-odd years on this planet come across such naked, spitting anger over my effrontery at having a disease that I could not help having; and the accompanying assumption that, by having the condition, I was too stupid to cope with it properly. It was deeply disturbing.

    I found that same sense of bewilderment come over me as I was reading the responses. I do NOT want to rehash everything here – in other words, please don’t start screaming at me that he shouldn’t be driving and his boss can’t make him do anything, etc.. Those points were made ad nauseam and the OP responded to them. But I have to ask: do you really think that those of us with certain conditions need to be screamed at, or pontificated to, about what we can and cannot do?

    Those of us with conditions, and those of us like the OP who live with and care for people with conditions, are not stupid children. I’m really sorry that your kid was killed by some guy who had a stroke while driving, I really am. That’s tragic and cannot be glossed over. And yes there are a few people with conditions who are dumb enough to flout the law, as there are people who will willfully drive drunk, high, on their phone. I am not justifying any of this. Irresponsibility that can lead to actual death is not justifiable.

    But I also feel very strongly that at least SOME kind of sympathy can coexist with that same knowledge. OP is married to a person with a frightening, but manageable, condition. The stress of living with that can be tough. I thought my experience at my last job was an anomaly, but then I read all these comments and think, holy Christ, there really are people who actually believe that she needs to be chastised and vilified into the ground for being frustrated with a bad boss who doesn’t give a damn about her employee’s welfare; and instructed like a kindergartner over what she and her husband can and cannot do, as if she couldn’t possibly know all of that already.

    I’m just stunned.

    1. Shutterdoula*

      Yes, it is a stressful situation. But her expectation was unrealistic, and she was, at no time, left out of the loop. Which was, in her initial letter, her primary complaint. That she wasn’t called by the boss. When she had ALREADY been called by her husband.
      Stressful situations do NOT mean you get to have unrealistic expectations and be angry about those not being met. I would 100% agree with you if something had happened and she wasn’t aware of the situation. I can sympathize with the stress and also say that her response was over the top and a problem. BOTH can be true. Chronic conditions do not excuse bad behavior.
      And she did know what was happening. Because her husband kept her informed. She didn’t need to be double informed.
      I think there’s room to understand that your own experiences and frustrations are deeply coloring your opinion of people’s responses. And not with any of the sympathy you claim to be advocating for.

    2. RagingADHD*

      I’m really sorry that happened to you.

      Most people in a comment section aren’t reading each other’s replies, or not until after they make a top level post. It is not actually an orchestrated effort to “chastise and vilify someone into the ground.”

      The LW of that post mentioned (several times, I think) that her husband wasn’t supposed to be driving the truck in the first place and it wasn’t part of his job. She didn’t want him being sent out on delivery runs.

      So at the time I read the post, the people *agreeing* that he shouldn’t be driving the truck didn’t strike me as chastising her or condescending to her. They were supporting her case with additional reasons.

      Maybe the overall tenor of the comments changed after I read it. Or maybe it’s one of those instances where everyone reads things through their own lens.

      1. londonedit*

        This is how I saw it. I’m going to go back and look, because I didn’t see a pile-on or anything vicious. It just seemed like the OP was focusing on the wrong thing – being annoyed with Tina for not calling (when I don’t think Tina would have had any real reason to call) instead of focusing on the fact that her husband is putting himself and others in danger driving a large truck when he has a medical condition that affects his ability to drive. Or that her husband’s job is making him do that.

        1. Andromeda*

          From the way I read the letter, though (didn’t read the comments), this is a bit speculatey. Was it apparent in the comments that this chronic condition definitely did impair Husband’s ability to drive? I don’t drive myself but know lots of people with fluctuating chronic pain, for example, who do (even though being in severe pain could also harm your ability to focus on the road).

          1. londonedit*

            The OP said it was episodes of vertigo, and that the husband had to ‘sleep it off’ before he could continue driving. I wouldn’t want someone with that sort of condition driving an HGV lorry (and where I live there are very strict conditions on holding an HGV licence, and you have to have passed a stringent specific HGV driving course in order to have a licence. I can’t believe someone with any medical condition that could impair their driving would be allowed to keep an HGV licence where I am).

            1. RussianInTexas*

              One thing – I do not think it was a semi (18 wheeler), or the HGV lorry. If it was, he probably was driving it without the appropriate license, because you don’t get it just because.
              I work for a smaller family owned company that sells products wholesale out of the warehouse and also delivers. No small customer of mine, not even larger distributors, own their own semi. They are very expensive to own, insure, they require loading docks, and they are really an overkill in size. You usually hire semi for deliveries if needed via trucking companies. Otherwise you have smaller trucks, vans, etc.
              The vehicle he drove was probably what in the US we call a “box truck”. The CDL requirements for them get confusing, because on one hand, there are weight limits, after which you will need the commercial license, but on the other hand, anyone with just the regular Class C license can rent the big moving truck.

          2. Irish Teacher.*

            Yes, the LW very strongly implied that he shouldn’t be driving and said “would you want somebody with extreme vertigo on the road?”

            The comments really changed the way one would read the letter. The LW engaged a lot and gave a lot of background and detail that put a whole different spin on things.

            1. Andromeda*

              Oh, shit. Yes, in that case, the boss absolutely needed to be notified of the condition if she wasn’t already (holy buried lede, Batman)

          3. Hyaline*

            I did not comment about not driving until the LW herself said she felt the situation was dangerous—but at that point, yes, we were all in agreement, LW included, that long hauls in a box truck shouldn’t have been part of this guys job, period. I don’t know if his condition means he should have his license revoked and won’t speculate there, but everyone but the crummy boss seems in agreement that these trucking gigs should be off the table for the husband.

        2. Falling Diphthong*

          My take was very much overwhelming problems out of control, focusing in on one small thing that is not actually wrong. (If my husband could call me about being ill, I would not expect his work to call me.) And I thought that was pretty reflected in the comments.

    3. allathian*

      I’m wondering if we read the same post. I think your interpretation is heavily colored by your own experiences. I’m sorry your former coworkers bullied you for “not being healthy enough.”

    4. ViaductTape*

      I think your perspective is deeply and unavoidably coloured by your personal experience and strongly felt emotions. I read that entire post and I do not recognise your characterisation of it here.

      I’m sorry you have had such bad experiences. But this is a workplace advice blog. People were giving workplace advice on norms and reasonable expectations. No one was “screaming” at the person with the medical condition, not least because they were not the one writing to Alison, and your interpretation of their comments in that way is uncharitable at best.

      Sometime the best thing you can do is recognise that you are not the right audience for something, and remove yourself from the experience.

    5. Morning Reading*

      I was one of the ones responding with the “danger!” reaction although that was not what the LW asked about. I’m sorry if we were too strident, and I’m sorry you had that experience in your workplace. It sounds awful.
      However, driving a large vehicle is a specific work duty which requires a certain degree of health and there are specific regulations about who can do it. It is not ableism (imho if that needs to be stated) to insist that a truck driver not have a medical condition that might make them pass out. They should not be drunk or high or sleepy. They should not be on medication that says “do not operate machinery” on the label. They should do an inspection before driving to ensure the vehicle is in good condition. They should have a CDL (not obtained by bribery in Illinois in the 90s.)
      None of that seemed to be the case in LW’s story and it was alarming to any of us who have driven a truck responsibly or been in an accident with one.
      We hear many accounts here of people being asked to do unreasonable things, even illegal things, by their unreasonable bosses. I think this seemed like one of those situations and LW and the spouse forced to drive seemed to be in this situation. Way beyond office full of bees. Possibly fatal or business-ending lawsuits level of consequences. So often people get used to their weird workplace, it’s normalized for them, and ask a question that reveals the weirdness but it’s the not question being asked.
      Again, it’s terrible that you’ve been bullied for your health condition. That shouldn’t happen to anyone.

    6. WellRed*

      Well the OP didn’t have a chronic disease, she was unrealistic in her expectations of how her husband’s boss communicated with her, so no one was yelling at OP for being ill. I did find myself irritated by one comment kind of ragging on a person with diabetes driving, so I can see where you feel stunned overall but again, the bigger picture was not the illness. It was her expectations, her obvious dislike of the boss and, to me, a really dysfunctional dynamic among the three of them.

    7. Doctor is In*

      I am certified to do CDL physicals for commercial drivers. Any condition that could lead a driver to be unable to safely control his 10,000 pound truck is disqualifying. Sure sounds like this could have been the case. One moment of sleepiness or dizziness could result in disaster.

      1. RussianInTexas*

        I doubt he was driving a semi or he has a CDL. I imagine it was a box truck, and it gets murky with licensing for driving those.
        Small family owned companies won’t own a semi for deliveries, for multiple reasons.

        1. Kt*

          semis have a capacity of 45,000 lbs, ballpark. some are at 53,000. so 10k is still a box truck.

        2. Observer*

          The LW (OP1) says (in the comments) that it’s a “large dangerous truck”. And she implies that it’s a semi.

          The fact that he almost certainly does not have a CDL doesn’t make this less likely. Let’s face it, Tina doesn’t give a flip about safety. And she is apparently stupid enough to not realize that if he gets into an accident, that truck is gone, and probably so is the business.

          Why would you think that someone like that would care if he has the proper licensing.

          I imagine it was a box truck, and it gets murky with licensing for driving those.

          To be honest, it’s not even relevant. The whole situation is an accident waiting to happen. Even “small” box trucks are far more dangerous in an accident than a car. And, at this point he should absolutely not be driving one. Even if it were in perfect condition – which it’s NOT.

          Tina is acting monstrously, and the LW’s husband needs to be ready to be fired, while looking for a new job. Given the situation, he’d be eligible for UI,if he can document the situation.

      2. allathian*

        Yes, this. And that’s the main reason why I’m upset with the boss, the husband shouldn’t have been required to drive at all. That said, a truck can be anything from a pickup to an 18-wheeler. You don’t need a professional license for a small pickup even in my area, although you would for a large one, a longbed van or something like a U-haul truck. The limit is based on the fully loaded weight of a vehicle that mustn’t exceed 3.5 metric tons for a standard driving license.

        1. RussianInTexas*

          I can rent a U-Haul box truck without a commercial license, in fact, I have done it.

        2. Samwise*

          Perhaps I missed this in the original thread, but has OPs husband told the boss why he should not be driving / making deliveries?

          If it’s unsafe for him to drive (as the OP states), then he has a responsibility not to drive. The boss told him to do it (again, maybe the boss knows why he shouldn’t or maybe she doesn’t ), but he didn’t refuse. He got in the truck and drove it.

          As the caregiver for a spouse with serious illnesses, even people who know about that and who care about my spouse, do not understand what he can and can’t do unless they’re told explicitly. It is not clear to me that the boss in this situation has been told explicitly that due to the husband’s medical condition, it is too dangerous for the husband to be driving a truck.

          1. goddessoftransitory*

            According to the OP’s responses, Tina did know; she just sent him out anyway.

            There’s a whole heap of problems making a nasty spaghetti here:

            Tina as a boss and the business as a whole are terrible and toxic.
            Tina over communicates with both the husband and the OP and tries to create a personal relationship with them which is very, very boundary violating.

            Husband has a known medical condition, but does not refuse to drive even though he should, because he feels a misguided “loyalty” to the company.
            Husband was ill and had to pull over. He called the OP but Tina did not.

            The OP has all this sitting on her head and is channeling her frustration and fear into a combination of “Tina is terrible” and “Husband keeps doing dangerous stuff” that comes out as “Tina should have called me.”

            But Tina not calling isn’t the problem–it’s everything else.

            1. Irish Teacher.*

              Yes, this! My impression is that between the whole “Tina is made of bees” and “being really worried about her husband who has a medical condition, may not be handling it very well (I’m not sure about this; she does say he is stubborn, which indicates she has some concerns about how he is handling it) and a boss who is pushing him to do things that are not safe for his health,” the LW has gotten into the habit of compensating where possible and is now angry at Tina for not giving her the opportunity to compensate (by calling her) when in reality, the real problem was earlier. The fact there was a problem that the LW would have to compensate for is an issue.

          2. Observer*

            but has OPs husband told the boss why he should not be driving / making deliveries?

            Yes. As the OP put it “she just doesn’t care.”

            The Boss knows exactly what is going on and seems to have decided that if they refuse to accept reality, reality will bend to her wishes.

    8. Grandma to three cats*

      Yeah, I didn’t like the comments either. I have a chronic illness too and have also walked the walk with family members. I agree that it’s stunning how callous people can be. I’m so sorry you were treated terribly at your job. I don’t think the AAM commenters meant to be hurtful. That said, it did hurt to read some of the comments speculating this, that, and the other about the husband’s health and making judgements on what he “should” do or not do. It felt like the narrative ppl with chronic illness hear so often that we’re nothing more than our illness. I hope people commenting will think more about the biases around disability that are deeply entrenched in our society and in our workplaces and be more thoughtful next time. Sending good thoughts your way, Deeply Anon.

      1. Despachito*

        I am sorry but this (a person drives when their health condition is poor in a way that may influence their driving) is not a question of feelings, this can be question of life and death and has to be stopped.

        There is a huge difference between a bias around a disability which does not influence your work, and a disability that directly affects it. The first one should be fought but I cannot wrap my head around the fact someone would actually defend the second one.

        1. allathian*

          There’s a huge difference between providing easy access to the office for wheelchair users, or allowing a neurodivergent person to use headphones at work as a medical accommodation, and requiring someone who for health reasons shouldn’t be driving to drive for work.

    9. Seashell*

      You can be frustrated with someone, but still know that they’re really not required to do anything differently. Maybe it would have been nice if the boss went above and beyond to make sure everything was OK and OP was informed every step of the way, but it’s not like the OP was held completely out of the loop. It seems like the boss sucks overall, and this is a tiny symptom of it.

      I really didn’t get the impression that the comments (at least the ones I read) were yelling at or chastising anyone. They seemed pretty matter-of-fact from what I recall. Sometimes, it can be helpful to get another point of view from people who don’t have any personal involvement, so hopefully at least some of the comments or suggestions were helpful for OP.

    10. Irish Teacher.*

      I can’t speak for anybody else but I was certainly sympathetic to the LW and it sounded like she had definitely valid reasons to be frustrated with Tina. I do think she was focussing on the wrong thing, that the real issue was Tina expecting him to drive in the first place rather than not contacting the LW. Tina sounded wildly unreasonable and it sounds like the LW had really gotten to BEC status with her, understandably, and like this was just the last straw.

      However, it was a long thread and I think a lot of people just read the post and then post their response, which is reasonable as many, probably most, LWs never engage with us at all, so people assume the letter tells all the information we are going to get and going on the letter alone, it sounded like the LW might be overreacting. It sounded as if the husband had the situation under control and his wife was just worried. The LW’s replies really put a very different spin on things and yeah, I think there were a couple of people who just had already made up their mind by the time they read them and weren’t willing to change it, but I think a lot of people were simply trying to point out to the LW that she was focussing on the wrong thing, that she needed to worry more about her husband being on the road at all and less about whether or not Tina should have contacted her (which there was nothing that could be done about at this point anyway)

    11. Hyaline*

      Sometimes when we’re really close to a situation we know something is wrong about it but focus on the wrong thing. I think that happened here. OP knew Tina was a shitty boss but focused on ways she had personally pushed her over the edge (but really weren’t egregious on their own) instead of the big picture—which outsiders saw more clearly. The business seemed like it’s failing plus Tina put her employee in an unsafe position. I don’t think there was a pile on as much as a lot of people simultaneously reading the situation and seeing the same things.

      1. Observer*

        I don’t think there was a pile on as much as a lot of people simultaneously reading the situation and seeing the same things.

        Yes. This.

        And what people were seeing is “Tina is a terrible boss.”, “Husband is literally putting his life and the lives of others in danger.” and “The only non-crazy part of this whole situation is the one thing you are complaining about.”

    12. TX_Trucker*

      If the husband had posted, I might of been sympathetic.
      But the OP was upset the boss didn’t call when it wasn’t obvious there was a need for it. Without making some fanfic background it’s not apparent that Tina did anything wrong. I think your own experience is clouding your interpretation of the comments.

    13. Unkempt Flatware*

      Wow. With respect, it sounds like you may need help from a therapist. I’m not sure you’re viewing this through a healthy lens.

      1. Deeply Anon For This One*

        Proves my point. Way ahead of you, honey. Don’t need the instruction.

        1. Rebecca*

          I’m not sure what I am hearing. Are you saying that you already know you are not viewing this through a healthy lens and that you already know that you could benefit from help from a therapist? If you know these things, why are you writing what you write instead of talking to a therapist to get a healthier lens?

          I can’t comment on what all people with certain conditions need. I haven’t met them all. I can comment that yesterday’s OP needed to hear that her husband should be saying no to driving, even if his boss schedules him to drive. Apparently she, and he, need to hear that a few more times bc nowhere did I see her acknowledge that he should stop.

          Both him with the driving and you with the unhealthy lens are showing a gap between what you say you know and the actions you choose to take. He knows (we presume) that he shouldn’t drive, yet he chooses instead to keep driving. You know you should talk a therapist about the lens through which you interpret events, yet you choose instead cling strongly enough to your interpretations that you share them on the internet. It’s less that anyone thinks people with certain conditions are children who need instruction and more that when there is a gap between what would be helpful someone to do and what someone actually does that the advice gets pointedly emphatic.

        3. AGD*

          Yeah, I think the suggestion was well-intended but exemplifies some of the very things you were talking about.

    14. Saturday*

      I did think that it would have been better for people to peruse the comments to see if their point had already been made before adding another comment.

      I think people didn’t appear supportive of the OP’s perspective because it was difficult to understand why the boss would be expected to contact her when her husband was in contact with her himself. That was the question she wrote in with – if she really just wanted to vent, that’s more what the open thread is for (although not for only venting).

      But I did see many people validate the OP’s beliefs that the boss sounds terrible! Nightly swims? Calling the OP for minor things? There is a lot not to like about this boss, and I think people were sympathetic to that!

      I’m sorry about your past experiences though – that sounds terrible.

    15. Anongyn*

      having been immolated here after asking a travel question, I know not to post again with a streamlined question. I understand your concern. when there’s a presumption of facts not in evidence it does not go well.

    16. anxiousGrad*

      I think issues of who should be allowed to drive are really touchy. Because public transportation is so insufficient in the US, being able to drive is a major factor in many people’s independence here, so a lot of people don’t want to give up driving even if it’s unsafe for them to do so. Meanwhile, it’s scary to think that you could be out on the road with someone who has a health condition that makes it unsafe for them to drive. Hence people feeling the need to drive home that this guy shouldn’t be driving a truck, especially given that the letter writer made it sound like they didn’t think it was safe for him to drive.

      I also have a chronic health condition that sometimes causes symptoms that would make it unsafe for me to drive. The symptoms come on slowly enough that I would know before getting into my car that it’s not safe to drive right now, so yeah, I would be annoyed if someone told me that I just shouldn’t be driving at all. I get where you’re coming from. But I don’t think that was the situation here. The letter writer made it sound like neither they nor their husband thought it was safe for husband to drive this truck, but that husband was doing it anyway due to pressure from Tina.

    17. Observer*

      OP is married to a person with a frightening, but manageable, condition. The stress of living with that can be tough

      Understood. And a lot of sympathy.

      But displacing that on her (terrible) boss is not a good answer. And refusing to take any responsibility makes her husband a far less sympathetic character.

      but then I read all these comments and think, holy Christ, there really are people who actually believe that she needs to be chastised and vilified into the ground for being frustrated with a bad boss who doesn’t give a damn about her employee’s welfare

      Except that is not an accurate description of most of the posts. Pretty much everyone agreed that the boss is terrible. But that simply does not negate that, as most people said, the LW’s husband’s behavior was simply not excusable. Both things can be true – and in this case they ARE. I think we all have sympathy for her *general* frustration, but pointed out that the particular issue was a nothing-burger and that whet the LW *really* needs to deal with is Husband and his behavior.

      and instructed like a kindergartner over what she and her husband can and cannot do, as if she couldn’t possibly know all of that already.

      No one was talking to her like a child. But she WAS expressing that she apparently does not realize or is unable / unwilling to accept what the limits of her and her husband’s options are. So, does she know? I have no idea. Based on her question and answers, it’s really not clear.

  18. RMNPgirl*

    Potentially looking at relocating to Fresno, CA. Anyone from there or have good knowledge of it?
    I have family and friends in other parts of CA and I’ve travelled there quite a bit but mainly just to SoCal.
    Just wanting some honest opinions of what it’s like. So far from what I can tell, it seems to be a pretty normal western city. I know it can get very hot and that doesn’t bother since I will make sure to have AC and budget for that. I am a bit concerned about the tule fog I’ve read up on so if anyone has experience with that, would love to hear about it. Thanks!

    1. Distractable Golem*

      It’s in the Central Valley, which is more agricultural and more politically conservative than either Northern or Southern California. Air quality is really poor, so if you have any health issues, be aware. Good access to Yosemite.

    2. Molybdenum*

      Oh! Something I can help with!

      I grew up in Clovis, which is a suburb of Fresno. It does get very hot, but we always say “it’s a dry heat”. It does make a difference as it’s still usually comfortable in the shade with a breeze. I think the fog concerns that a lot of people have are overblown. It’s not usually so thick that you can’t see, it just reduces visibility. Drive slow and give plenty of room in front of you.

      Because it’s so close to the Sierra Nevada mountains, there are lots of outdoorsy activities within an hour or so. Beyond Yosemite it’s even closer to two other National Parks – Kings Canyon and Sequoia (the giant trees). When I was in Clovis I could be at the gate of Kings Canyon in 45 minutes.

      Distractable Golem is right about the air quality. With it being in the Central Valley, the particulate matter can just settle in with no where to go. It’s definitely more conservative than the rest of the state, with pockets of more liberal areas. Overall, I think it’s moderate, leaning right.

      The agriculture is interesting… in some ways it’s a nuisance to living, but you access to cheap, plentiful produce all through the summer months. There are lots of fruit stands that sell anything you can think of for fruits and vegetables.

      Reply back if you have any other specific questions!

      1. RMNPgirl*

        Thank you for the information! I’m originally from CO so I know about “dry heat” (currently in the midwest so I get humidity now).
        One thing I heard was that the fog can make it pretty overcast during the winter months, are there still lots of sunny days though?
        I don’t have any existing health issues so is the air quality something I would notice even without that?

        1. Molybdenum*

          It tends to be periods of gray weather, like a week or so, followed by sunny days. Many times the overcast will “burn off” from the morning leading to sunny skies.

          Some people complain about developing allergies that they didn’t have before moving to the area, but not everyone. I’ve lived in the Central Valley all my life and I don’t have any. But lots of people do.

        2. WoodswomanWrites*

          I’m confirming how poor the air quality is. Even if you don’t have existing health issues, bad air can cause them. There are lots of studies linking long-term exposure to bad air in California’s Central Valley leading to health problems. We’re not talking about mild smog. Fresno has some of the worst air quality in the entire US.

          A website called IQ Air summarizes an evaluation by the American Lung Association of the Fresno region in 202.

          – Ozone: #4 worst of 229 metropolitan areas in the United States
          – Annual Particle Pollution: #2 worst of 216 metropolitan areas in the United States
          – Short-Term Particle Pollution: #1 worst of 204 metropolitan areas in the United States

    3. unsafe water*

      Fresno has some of the worst water quality in the country. Because of a combination of over-pumping their groundwater and agricultural contamination of the surface water sources, a quarter of community water systems in the area do not meet safety standards.

      1. Molybdenum*

        This is true in the rural areas of the Central Valley. The large population centers have sophisticated water treatment facilities, just like most cities.

  19. Bibliovore*

    Going to ALA in San Diego. I am going a few days early and will have time on my own without the “roar of crowd”
    Anything I shouldn’t miss? A nice restaurant or farmers market? I am looking forward to seafood and perhaps some good sushi.
    Staying at the Marriott Marquis San Diego Marina. Any place/restaurant walkable?
    I will have a scooter for mobility issues.

    1. Hazelthyme*

      Seaport Village is a stone’s throw from your hotel and easily walkable/scooterable — lots of restaurants and shops, if a little touristy, and fun to be by the water.

      Little Italy is a longish walk or a short, inexpensive Uber ride. There’s a farmers market there on Saturday mornings.

      Balboa Park is a longer walk but still not too far for an Uber, and the southern part where all the museums are is fun for a little stroll or just taking in the glorious weather and people watching. The Prado restaurant in the park is actually really nice, and Cucina Urbana just outside it is one of my favorites.

      BTW, if you’re flying into SAN and have the option — try to get a window seat on the right side of the plane. It’s a fun approach and the views of Balboa Park & the Cabrillo Bridge always make me feel like I’m coming home. (Did I mention I live in NY?)

      Have a wonderful trip! San Diego is one of my favorite cities.

    2. Jay (no, the other one)*

      My kid has lived in San Diego for the past six years and we love visiting. We were just there a couple of weeks ago! The C Level lounge should be right near the Marquis – delicious and gorgeous water views. We also love The Henry on Coronado. If you can take your scooter in a cab/Uber/Lyft, you might want to spend some time on Coronado. There’s a paved walkway along the beach that runs for a couple of miles and has amazing views of the ocean and some lovely houses if you like looking at house (I do). Orange Avenue, the main drag, is pretty flat with wide sidewalks and fun window shopping. The Hotel Del Coronado is a landmark with ice cream shops and sand sculptures and a taco stand. You can hang out near their beach even if you don’t stay there.

      The zoo is amazing but very hilly and I don’t know how navigable it would be by scooter. The art museum in Balboa Park is accessible and fun to visit. I love La Jolla – again, not sure how scooter-friendly it would be. If you do go, there’s amazing sushi at Blue Ocean.

      Other restaurants we love: Provisional Kitchen at the Pendry Hotel in the Gaslamp District and Herb & Wood in Little Italy. Herb & Wood can get dark and noisy – we try to go early in the evening.

    3. BikeWalkBarb*

      You’ll be close to a great paved waterfront trail I remember biking on when I was there for a conference. You’d be able to use it with the mobility device. Very popular, very crowded.

      I think I went to Breakfast Republic one day; I’m a vegetarian and they have a great menu (plenty of options for meat-eaters too). This was pre-COVID so someone who has been there or lived there more recently would have more current information.

      1. Jay (no, the other one)*

        We love Breakfast Republic! These days we usually stay someplace where we can cook our own breakfasts so I forgot about it.

  20. Msd*

    I feel kind of dumb asking this question but what are all these non profits that the majority of ama people seem to work for? I’m just not that aware of so many small non profits.

    2. KeinName*

      I wondered that exactly yesterday. Very funny. When someone wrote ‚I now work for a nonprofit with much more salary‘, I tried to imagine what that might be.
      Similarly I’m also impressed by the ease of changing jobs, because everyone is always writing ‚i got a new job‘. I guess that’s normal on a job advice site though :)

      1. dark purple blues*

        Yeah, the “I got a new job” posts are definitely a bias. It would make a very dreary site if the posts were full of “still looking”, “just got laid off for the 3rd time in 2 years”, and “there are 0 jobs for my skills in my city” posts.

      3. 248_Ballerinas*

        I suspect that AAM’s readership has a higher proportion of nonprofit employees than are in the general workforce. Lots of posts from library staff, for example.

        Also, there are a lot of nonprofits out there. When I browse the Charitable Advisors job board, I see organizations that are new to me.

    3. Snoozing not schmoozing*

      I worked at a few not-for-profits in the humanities world (museum, research library). The first was small and after four years, there were layoffs due to losing ling-time funding. I was able to get a position at a larger local institution within a few months, and stayed there for the rest of my working life. I live in a decent-size city, and there is a certain amount of playing musical chairs among the staff at a handful of similar
      institutions. Board members overlap, and they’re usually happy to hire or be a reference once you’re on their radar. When I was laid off from the first place, one of the board members physically took copies of my resume to places he thought would be a good fit for me (this was just before applications were done online), and one of those was where I was hired. It’s a very inbred world once you’re in it.

    4. Scientist*

      I work in a large urban area in the USA, and there are definitely hundreds, if not thousands, of small-large nonprofits across the metro area here – arts organizations, foundations, humanitarian aid groups, activism groups with a few paid employees, environmental causes, educational groups, groups to support folks experiencing homelessness, neighborhood orgs, etc. etc. Do you live in a small city or rural area?

    5. Sloanicota*

      That’s strange. There’s a LOT of tiny nonprofits and they are in some ways businesses and employers just like any other. If you really want to see, go to idealist dot org, the job site for nonprofits, and filter to your location. Many of these are small (if you haven’t heard of them, they’re probably small). When you don’t have a revenue stream and are dependent on grants and donations, it makes for smaller budgets.

    6. Volunteer*

      A regional foundation sponsors an annual fundraising day for local non-profits and there were over 800 that participated this year. Charity Navigator rates over 225,000 charities.

      It doesn’t take much to start a 501(c)3. I know a lot of small groups that are entirely volunteer-run.

    7. Generic Name*

      I agree with what others have said, and I think it seems notable because people will say they work for a nonprofit. When I comment about my job, I don’t say I work for a for profit company. I think it’s most people don’t say anything about working for a for profit company and the ones who don’t speak up, so they seem “louder”.

    8. Weekend At AAM*

      Speed Queen is the absolute best, hands-down. They last forever. They’re more expensive than Whirlpool or Maytag, but my Speed Queen washer is the best money I’ve ever spent.

    9. Peanut Hamper*

      I wouldn’t feel dumb about it. The fact that so many sectors of our society rely on non-profits to take care of things is an abject failure of capitalism.

    10. Observer*

      I’m just not that aware of so many small non profits.

      There are apparently over 1.7 million non-profits in the US. More than half are really small (less than $50K in annual revenue), but that still leaves a lot of organizations with multiple employees.

    11. VariedNonProfits*

      almost every industry has all sorts of non-profits. they’re not just direct service organizations – they can work solely with companies or other non-profits or facilitating government programs or all sorts of other things.

  21. Washer Dryer Recs?*

    Do you like your washer and dryer? What kind do you have? My ancient washer is finally giving out, and reviews are getting me down.
    I think I’d like to stick with a top loader. My main concerns are durability and, well, getting stuff clean. I don’t have kids or pets, so it shouldn’t have to work too hard.

    1. Liminality*

      The one I currently have access to is a brand called Speed Queen which, I have been told, is commercial grade. The baseline models are well over a thousand bucks a piece so they are not a small investment, but apparently they are durable and functional.

    2. Jay*

      The side loaders are pricier and maybe a bit less convenient, but they have the potential to be much more durable, last much longer, use much less water and power, and are less likely to unbalance when washing things like sheets/blankets/large towels. There is a reason that most high volume laundromats use them.
      You just need to do a good bit of research into what you want.

    3. RagingADHD*

      I got a Samsung front loader & gas dryer with my 2020 stimulus check, and I am not impressed with the washer. It already leaks, and the front panel has died so we can only use the main wheel for settings – no fine tuning.

      I haven’t called for repair yet, but I suspect it might cost as much as a new one.

    4. Snoozing not schmoozing*

      We just had our ancient dryer repaired. The washer and dryer came with the house, purchased by one of the previous owners, and we’ve been here almost 25 years. The repair was $150, a heck of a lot cheaper than replacing it. I don’t think the washer’s ever had to be repaired in all that time. Good old uncomplicated basic Maytags!

    5. Anima*

      I got a Bosch (front loader though). I think Bosch, if available where you are, is a good company for laundry machines in general. No experience with dryers, but maybe an avenue for you to look into?
      I don’t recommend my specific one (Series 6 with a lot of eco programs), but that’s more because the programs don’t match my washing needs, not that it is a bad machine. I don’t need lengthy eco programs, I need fast programs for really delicate laundry more. But that’s what I learned afterwards and will keep in mind when I buy my next Bosch.

    6. Manders*

      I have an LG high efficiency top loader and I love it. Uses less water than traditional top loaders.

      1. Girasol*

        I have a Whirlpool high efficiency. HE washers are the cat’s meow. I’ve used traditional washers and briefly had a front loader. The front loader made the clothes so much softer! But it was spendy and its door mold issues left permanent pencil streaks on my clothes if I wasn’t careful. The high efficiency washer that replaced it was relatively cheap. It’s a top loader but it has a little impeller at the bottom instead of a tall agitator. Everything comes out as clean and soft as with the front loader – much better than a traditional agitator washer – and there are no mold issues. It’s easy to load and unload, uses relatively little water, and it fits whole bed quilts and sleeping bags easily. It does take a little longer to run a cycle though.

    7. Golden*

      I have LG front loaders and they get the job done. It came with the house and I have no major complaints. I do like that the washer and dryer are stacked which saves a lot of space.

      I know frontloaders are supposed to be better for the environment, but there are some drawbacks. They can really stink – my parents have a frontloader but absolutely have to use scent beads if they don’t want their clothes and house to reek. They’ve tried to fix it both by themselves and professionally but I think it’s just the way it is.

      1. allathian*

        We have a front loader and run the cleaning program about once a month (hot water, no spin, no detergent but sometimes bicarbonate of soda).

        The one essential thing to avoid stink is to always, without exception, keep the door open when it’s not in use. So many people don’t do that. If you have small children or cats, keeping it closed is a safety issue, especially if your washing machine is in the kitchen. But many people never unlearn the habit once their kids are old enough for the issue to go away.

        1. Esprit de l'escalier*

          I second leaving the washing machine door a bit ajar whenever it isn’t running. My 21yo stacked (and therefore front-loader) Maytag washer is still doing a good job, knock on wood, and likewise its dryer stack-mate.

        2. Golden*

          My mom did tell me about the door trick! I have cats and a toddler, and my parents have a cat, so that’s unfortunately not an option. I’m really militant about draining the filter and doing a tub wash every month and it’s mostly working for me. My parents don’t have the same luck despite taking care of their’s similarly though.

        3. Observer*

          The one essential thing to avoid stink is to always, without exception, keep the door open when it’s not in use.

          For people with kids or pets, this is one of the most impractical requirements I’ve seen in a LONG time. Not only impractical, also potentially dangerous, if you don’t have a laundry are that is locked away.

    8. Llellayena*

      Highly recommend LG. They take more than half the top spots in the Consumer Reports ratings and I’ve been quite happy with the washer and dryer I bought. I didn’t get the compete bottom of the line, but I still stayed under $1000 each, especially shopping sale weekends.

      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        Back during the pandemic, my Zanussi conked out a couple of weeks during the lockdown and all the non-essential shops were closed. When researching online, I was quite surprised to discover top-loading washing machines are more common in the US than Europe.

        The trick with avoiding smells in front loading washing machines is to leave the door open enough when not using the machine so that the fresh air can circulate. It’s also recommended to run the machine on a very hot wash using a washing machine cleaner every so often.

        1. the Viking Diva*

          For a front-loader, leaving the door open is essential so that you don’t get mildew in the door seal. That means it has to be in a place where you can do this – e.g. a large laundry room or basement, not a hallway or utility closet such as in many smaller homes.

          1. Reba*

            IME you have to leave the door ajar, not like standing wide open, so in a closet works as long as there is a little bit of clearance! Some models also have a latch-magnet-thing that will hold the door slightly ajar.

    9. My Brain is Exploding*

      You can get HE top loaders which are as efficient as front loaders. Speed Queen commercial grade and Maytag commercial grade are both great coices.

    10. office hobbit*

      I’ve had an LG front loader for eight years now and I’m happy with it, it’s never had problems. At the time I chose a mid-range model that was well reviewed by Consumer Reports and that Costco also carried (I’m in the US). If you strongly prefer the traditional top loader, Speed Queen is an option I’ve heard good things about (my friend has had one for 10+ years now). I would avoid Samsung due to their reportedly terrible customer service.

    11. Maryn*

      We just replaced our washer and dryer, so I have some research that’s recent. Due to a problem with the gas line in this house, we don’t yet have the dryer installed, but the washer is less than a week old and I already love it.

      Our choice was The Electrolux ELFW7637AT, which is a front loader and highly water-efficient. Different review sites noted it handles both protein and oil-based stains well. (That’s apparently how they test them.) True! I forgot to spot-treat spilled red wine, and it came out.

      The washer has an internal water heater, meaning you won’t run out of hot water during your shower or whatever because you’re also doing a load of wash. The drum lights up when you open it (but automatically goes dark when you leave it for more than a few minutes), which means I’m not going to miss a sock.

      Like all front-loaders, it should not be left closed, but this one has a little stay-open thing that makes sure you don’t leave it latched when not in use. I’m not a tech person, but its controls are pretty intuitive, and the design of the drawer for detergent, bleach, fabric softener, etc. is very good.

      Finally, a quote from one of the review sites that made it their number one pick: “…this Electrolux just has a great fit and finish. You can tell that the manufacturing is well done by the clean text on the control panel and the satisfying click on the dial.”

    12. Reba*

      I’ve had a Bosch stack and now a Miele stack and really liked them both! Both also used non-vented, condensing dryers which yes, are slower, but I’m satisfied with them. There is a bit of a learning curve with detergent dosing and additives (I have hard water) but I am super happy with the Miele.

      I recommend front loaders and against the newer impeller models of top loaders. (Obviously I am generalizing) The impeller models make a lot of claims on their efficiency, but people seem to need to use extra water, extra this and that to actually get loads cleaned well, meaning the posted efficiency is not realistic.

      One thing to ask dealers about is the service availability in your area, this should influence what brands you consider.

    13. ronda*

      I have been in apartments lately that have washers.

      right now I have a combined washer / dryer unit. I dont like it cause it is difficult to reach the clothes in the washer to remove them because the dryer kind of blocks the washer opening ( top loading washer). And it is a little smaller than I would like, which is fine for most things…. but I dont want to wash big things in there. It also gets unbalanced easily.

      I had front loader and they were fine except the washer gasket thingy getting yucky. I did like that the dryer was higher up, but not too high. (dryer was stacked on washer)

      My favorite was a top loading without and center agitator. That thing seemed huge and I could wash anything in it.

      If only the washer is failing and you like your dryer, I would just get the washer.

    14. MissB*

      I bought a new Speed Queen washer and dryer about two months ago. Seriously sturdy, good warranty on them.

    15. Observer*

      My current washer is a Samsung. It replaced a Whirlpool which was about 10 years old. I wanted a HE and the Samsung was the best buy – and had the largest capacity. It’s pretty decent.

      I still have the Whirlpoo dryer. It works fine. It’s not fancy and does not have a ton of features, but it does have the basics and does a reasonably good job.

  22. Cookies For Breakfast*

    Is anyone else here an early bird despite themselves?

    I wake up around 6am every day. I have no desire to get out of bed and Do Stuff until it’s time to have breakfast with my partner (2-3 hours later!), but my brain is completely switched on.

    Part of it, I think, is the fact that our supposedly blackout blinds let light in from the sides (probably because of the shape of our windows, long story, assume we can’t change the blinds). Some days, I manage to sleep a bit more after reading or listening to podcasts in bed for an hour or so, but really, I’d love to just sleep through to breakfast time.

    I also tend to feel sleepy on the sofa around 1 hour before I get myself to bed. I wish I could stay awake and read or write for that hour! But I wake up at the same time even on days I manage to do it, or go to bed late, so it feels like yet another lifelong thing my body works against my instructions on.

    So, long story short…has anyone trained themselves to sleep until the time they actually want to get out of bed? Any tips? All I can think of is trying a sleeping mask for the light issue, which feels flimsy given I’ve been like this all my life.

    1. office hobbit*

      Changing your circadian rhythm is really hard. Many of us night owls successfully drag ourselves onto an early bird schedule for work/school, but the studies I’ve heard of show that true night owls are consistently less healthy and more tired when they do this. I haven’t heard of people trying to switch the opposite direction like you are, but I imagine it’d be the same. You might have success, but you might be happier and feel better if you just embrace waking up a bit early and find something to fill the time. Sorry to give a disappointing answer!

      1. Gretta Swathmore*

        Was just going to say the same thing – changing your circadian rhythm is hard. I’m a night owl, and it’s honestly made life pretty miserable since I was about 10. I’m 45 years old and still can not figure out how to get myself to bed at a reasonable hour. It’s just late night is my absolute favorite part of the day, it’s when I feel most alive, and have the best thoughts! It sounds like you’re making use of that time well – podcasts and reading. Can you just think of that time as your personal reflection time every day? A mask and earplugs might help. You could also try getting out of bed for 5-10 minutes, then getting back in when (hopefully) you feel sleepy again.

    2. allathian*

      I’m an early bird too, and this time of year I’m up by 6 regardless. We have blackout curtains but they don’t help enough and I don’t like the idea of a mask. I’m a restless sleeper and I doubt it’d stay on.

      1. Cookies For Breakfast*

        Exactly my thought. If I put it on at night, it won’t stay on, and besides I can fall asleep just fine in the dark. If I wait until I need it, then by that point I’m awake, not much to be done about that.

    3. Badger*

      as someone who’s trying really hard to get a regular sleep schedule this sounds like a good problem to have (assuming you get enough and good quality sleep!), but I don’t mean to dismiss the frustration.

      I don’t like sleeping masks, but light wakes me up as well so I just use a soft shawl for my eyes.

      1. Cookies For Breakfast*

        That’s ok, I have experience of bad sleep problems so I do appreciate it’s a good problem to have :) I think the number of hours I sleep most nights is borderline ok, but I don’t love how early I get tired in the evening. I’d rather swap more energy then (and more quality time with my partner / hanging out with friends / doing hobbies after work) with the early hours awake in bed. Wishing you success with your sleep schedule!

    4. I didn't say banana*

      If you consistently go to bed later, you will eventually sleep later, but you’ll be tired and miserable for a while. The adjustment is possible though, like adjusting to a time difference.

      Also, just flagging that waking earlier than you want to can be a sign of depression, if there’s anything else you need to pay attention to there.

      I love the manta sleep mask, if you’re looking for one.

      1. Cookies For Breakfast*

        Thanks! I appreciate the reminder. Very much paying attention, and sleep is, funnily, the one thing my mental health has no sway on. I think it’s a legacy of being programmed to be ready at the crack of dawn: from pre-school to the end of high school, I had to be at up 6 to drive to school with my mother or get there with public transport, and I think it stuck in my brain. It’s frustrating because, in my adult life, I haven’t had to be awake that early even when my commute to work was 2 hours. But yes, going to bed later is one thing I keep telling myself I’ll try, and fail at spectacularly every time :)

    5. Sloanicota*

      A sleep mask became more and more important to me as I got older, plus a white noise machine. I think I became a more sensitive sleeper over time. I used to be a huge night owl as a teenager (which I think is very common) and as a consequence often slept in until 10am, even 11 or noon on weekends – which drove my mother berserk. Now I naturally wake up around 7, with a half-hour deviation either way. I could stay up later but I try not to, as I will probably still be up at that time regardless of when I go to bed, and I have needy pets now who want to do morning things. I agree with you that I’m not really good for much for the first 20 minutes or so. Just sipping coffee and skimming the news.

      1. Cookies For Breakfast*

        Yep, sounds like me alright. Only I never had the late sleeper phase, and I envy it so much in other people. My partner and most of my friends are like that, and their well-meaning “just get yourself back to sleep” advice sometimes makes those early hours feel quite lonely (luckily, realising I can take headphones to bed and put on long podcasts has been a game changer in that sense).

        1. allathian*

          Are you an extrovert? Because as much as I love my family, I absolutely relish the time to myself I get by waking and getting up early. Try to do something you enjoy in the morning and you’ll resent it less.

    6. Pharmgirl*

      A sleep mask really helps with this. I recommend the MZoo brand on Amazon, it’s super comfortable.

    7. Jay (no, the other one)*

      Me. Always, including in high school and college, which did not make me popular in the dorm. Now I’m retired and two years in I can more reliably sleep until 7:00, especially if I stay up late, which only happens if I’m doing something that involves people and stimulation (concert, party, something like that). If it’s just the two of us reading or watching TV I fall asleep despite myself.

      For a few years we had real blackout shades, which helped a little. Hubs is more of a night owl than I am and finds that having filtered daylight in the room helps him feel human when he wakes up, and since I usually had to get up anyway it didn’t matter that much to me.

      1. Cookies For Breakfast*

        Your first sentence made me laugh – I can understand the “unpopular early riser” all too well! Making plans whe travelling with friends in my university years was a special kind of hell. Recently, I’ve been to a hen do (bachelorette for US people) weekend, and by the time everyone woke up the day after the party I’d already made my coffee and cleaned up the entire kitchen of our Airbnb by myself. I was the earliest to go to bed, at 2am, and still woke up at 7. It was Sunday, come on, why am I like this!

    8. Adrina*

      I am not sure of the English word for it but I’ve bought a sort of “heavy” weight duvet for my eyes. Its name was something with yoga but its purpose is to make you relax and it truly does help with my active head that gets too frustrated to sleep even though my body is exhausted. Maybe something like that could at least make you rest until you want to get up?

      1. Cookies For Breakfast*

        I’ve considered it! If you remember the brand, please let me know, I’m curious. I think it’s called a weighted blanket? My only concern is whether it would make me feel too hot / trapped if the weight makes it harder to move.

        1. Adrina*

          Weighted blanket, yes! Just in this case, a weighted eye pillow.
          I found the site but it is all in Danish. I have the Calm Eye Pillow. Perhaps there is an equivalent in your country?
          https://goyogi.dk/collections/ojenpuder

          After trying this I really want a weighted blanket, too. The weight is surprisingly comforting. The eye pillow is great for when I feel I need a nap during the day. It forces me to lie on my back to avoid it slipping off. At night I sleep on my stomach so can’t use it then.

        3. Esprit de l'escalier*

          I read an article recently in the Wall St Journal about exactly this kind of item — weighted blankets, but also weighted eye masks. I skimmed it and don’t recall details or brand names, but it’s definitely a thing.

    9. Dancing Otter*

      The light also wakes me too early this time of year. My bedroom window doesn’t even face east; I close the blinds; every sleep mask I’ve tried gets too warm for summer temperatures, and interferes with sleeping that way. I’ve given up, and just do quiet stuff until it’s really time to get up.

      I do /try/ to go to sleep earlier than my normal 1 a.m. or later, because 4 hours sleep is just not enough. Absent an afternoon nap, it seems like the best solution, I just have trouble turning myself off. I even override the time limit on my devices, so that doesn’t help.

      If you’re actually getting sleepy earlier, it might be worth going to bed then and reading in the morning. Would that be an issue with your partner?

    10. don'tbeadork*

      I’d kill to be able to sleep until 6 AM. I’m usually awake and moving by 4:30 or 5 no matter how late I go to bed the night before. I can’t make myself lie in bed and maybe drift back off to sleep (I’ve tried) because my brain is also up and ready to go that early. So I can’t help you, but I do sympathize with you!

    11. MeepMeep123*

      Light exposure is a huge thing for sleep. My wife had that problem too, except worse – she would wake up at 1am or 2am and be unable to get back to sleep. She now wears dark red laser-safety glasses for about a half hour before bed (this helps the body generate enough melatonin to keep you sleepy), and at any time she wakes up at night to go to the bathroom or something. Then she wears a sleep mask that blocks all the light from reaching her eyes while actually sleeping. The first day she did that, she slept a normal 8 hours, and she has continued to do so ever since.

      I used the same kind of red laser-safety glasses to train myself to become a morning person – I just put them on about an hour before my desired bedtime, and then wear a sleep mask while sleeping. I used to be a night owl and now I happily wake up at 6am with no issues.

    12. JPalmer*

      I am mostly a night owl, but have been an early bird at some points in my life.

      1. Tackling things and getting stuff out of the way for the next day. Like picking out your outfit, having a clean bathroom and clean space. That way it isn’t like there’s a bunch of work to do.

      2. Ensuring you’re getting enough sleep. If you go to bed early enough, getting up isn’t hard. If I go to sleep at 9 PM, I can be up real early and easily.

      3. Having things you’re excited to do before the drudgery tasks. Like watching a thing you like while you eat breakfast, or going for a relaxing run (once you get hooked on the runner’s high), or taking some time for a walk with your favorite animal (be it a dog or a 5 year old).

      4. Find the ways that early mornings are convenient. I really enjoyed being an early bird in another country because it meant we dodged traffic, lunch rushes, the heat of the midday, the party culture of the location.

      5. Consistency. Do not sleep in on weekends. If you want to make a sustained change, sleeping in will disrupt that. Avoid napping as well if you can.

      6. Make it a habit to have wind-down activities before bed, things with less stress and urgency and a bit more slow tedium. Meditation, painting, reading. My brain will stay on and active until I collapse from exhaustion. I have to let myself say the day is done and let myself sleep. Dimming the lights in the house so it feels darker, which also means less screen time before bedtime.

      7. Get some good blackout curtains if you’re a light sensitive sleeper. I have several different eyemasks if one isnt feeling the right fit.

      8. Make sure the temperature works for you. If my feet are warm I can sleep easier, and my circulation doesn’t warm up the bed quickly. So a heat pad can help me knock out quicker. But in the late night I can overheat on my torso and end up too hot with nightmares. If I don’t control my circumstances I’ll just stay up until my sleepiness overrides that discomfort, which isn’t good for going to bed early.

      Some food for thought, discard which ones don’t fit you!

  23. Itchy*

    Not seeking medical advice so much as comfort suggestions. For months now, I’ve had chronic itching which seems to be connected with my cycle. Never had any allergies before. No doctor has figured it out yet. I’m trying a low histamine diet. Running makes it worse. Anyone out there with chronic itching have quality of life suggestions? Any food tips? What do you do for exercise? Do you advise giving up sweetened applesauce or buttered (home air-popped) popcorn, my remaining regular treats? (I’ve given up so many foods). Have you had side effects from taking antihistamines too long?

    1. tangerineRose*

      When I’ve been itchy, using Aquaphor or Gold Bond or Aveeno on the itchy area has helped a lot (not always immediately, sometimes takes while).

    2. Gretta Swathmore*

      Oh no! I really feel for you. I was on a low histamine diet for about 9 months to get over some long covid allergy nonsense. My allergist retested my allergies and redid my allergy shots and I’m in month 4 of them and feeling MUCH better. I started winding down my low histamine diet two months ago annd introducing new foods every week and it’s been wonderful. If you suspect your itching is food related, don’t forget about Pepcid (it’s an anti histsmine) and probiotics to help heal your gut. There are some good Reddit forums on low histamine diets that will steer you to good probiotics for people with histamine issues. Also, I can’t emphasize enough how much sleep helps with keeping your body from overreacting to things. Sometimes blood sugar swings can cause weird histamine dumps, so maybe making sure you have enough carbs in you before running? Also, check out the b vitamin rabbit holes if you have a lot of free time (methylation issues with folate and B12, pluses and minuses of b3/b6). I think zinc and vitamin c were helpful with my issues – vitamin c is actually an antihistamine! Lots of foods have antihistamine properties, like blueberries for example.

      Sorry this post turned all to advice. I thought I was never going to be normal again a year ago, and now I’m feeling so much better and eating so many wonderful foods. So there is hope! My doctors told me it would probably take a year for me to get back to normal and they were right. I did work really hard on boosting my immune system this last year though (cutting out processed food, eating I think an actual ton of kale, brocoli, and blueberries, allergy shots, prioritizing sleep, elimination diet, probiotics, the works).

      Good luck! I learned so much about nutrition this last year, lost a fair bit of weight, figured out what specific foods annoy my body, and am pretty much eating all unprocessed food now. And I’m actually well rested most of the time now! So even though it was a miserable year, in the end I’m much healthier? I hope you too can find your way there. Sometimes something going haywire in your body can be a wake up call. You too will eat bananas and spinach again! (Low histamine diet people will know what I’m referring to :-)

      Super Immunity by Joel Furhman is a great book, FYI.

      My only real issue with long term antihistamines has been dryer eyes. Just being dried out in general. Eye drops and this microwaved eye heating pad my eye doc suggested have helped. Plus a hot steam humidifier in the winter. And drinking lots of water.

    3. RagingADHD*

      If treating it like an allergy isn’t helping, it might not be an allergy at all.

      Have you had bloodwork done to check your liver function? When I got horribly itchy, turned out that one of my medications was screwing up my liver. Fortunately I stopped taking it before there was permanent damage.

      But lots of things can affect it.

    4. Two cents*

      Oh no, that sounds awful, I’m sorry!! Hormones are so weird.

      I had an itchy head as a side effect of some medication and it took a while to figure that out. So my first suggestion is to double check that–a doctor friend made the connection and I never would have! The itchiness persisted for a long while after I switched, so it wasn’t immediately obvious that it worked. I didn’t have any side effects from the antihistamines, but I probably wasn’t on long enough.

      My biggest suggestion is to up your skincare game because all the scratching will have effects. For me, it aggravated my existing skin problems. So I had to switch shampoos and up my care game, otherwise I was bleeding all the time. Maybe go to a dermatologist to get a handle on the effects? They have tricks up their sleeves to help with lacerated or aggravated skin.

      Good luck and I hope you feel better soon! Itchiness is so crazy making…

    5. mreasy*

      I am also very itchy, and always have been.
      I also have terrible seasonal allergies, and I am on one prescription (nasal spray) antihistamine and one OTC during allergy season. They help with the itchiness a lot, even though that’s not their primary function. My ENT and GP have both said there’s no reason to worry about long term antihistamine use, so I am deciding to believe them given I can’t really function without. Low histamine diet did nothing for me, which I was honestly thankful for because so many of my favorite fermented foods are proscribed by it. That said, some supplements (ironically turmeric) and OTC meds (NasalCrom and similar) I have taken have exacerbated the itching. I have also tried CeraVe, Aveeno, and other anti-itch body lotions to no avail. While it’s possible I’ve gained a little weight (10 lbs?) as a result of taking antihistamines, I’m also 44 so everything is changing anyway. I wouldn’t suffer if you can avoid it!

    6. Badger*

      if the itching is on your skin, you could try expanding on foods high in vitamin B12, potentially also B6 and iron.
      My chronic itching was caused by B12 deficiency primarily, which I only found out by treating that and noticing how my arms and legs didn’t drive me crazy anymore.

      From experience I recommend restricting as little as possible/adding foods back in if removing them didn’t make a noticeable difference. It’s so hard getting things back on track once the microbiome or energy levels are out of whack due to removing foods/food groups for a while.

    7. MissCoco*

      My quality of life dramatically improved with allergy shots. My allergens are not food related, and my allergist is pretty comfortable prescribing a steroid when I had flares, so I have never tried any type of diets to control my symptoms. My allergist recommended Zyrtec as his first line OTC for people with skin reactions, but I found I am more comfortable using a different OTC med.

      I’ve been using a daily OTC antihistamine since my teen years, for me they do contribute to dry skin, but that is managed easily for me with basics like shower oil and lotion, and it’s way more comfortable than constant itching! Second generation antihistamines (not Benadryl) are safe for long term use according to my doctors.

      As far as non-medical strategies, using an air purifier and strict low-dust household habits (frequent vacuuming, an air purifier, showering at the end of the day and keeping windows closed in pollen season) are key for me.

      When I am really allergic I just cannot run, because the skin reaction/itching is too uncomfortable for me. Mast cells can release histamine in response to mechanical disruption, which can include pounding exercise like running (and of course, also the action of itching your skin). When I am in a really allergic period I swim or use a stationary bike for cardio, I find I can typically do weight lifting and pilates without a major histamine response. I try to stick indoor exercise to keep cooler and reduce allergen exposure.

    8. Morning Reading*

      My best hack is run hot water, hot as you can stand it, over the itchy part. It doesn’t resolve what is causing the itch and may make it worse, but it’s temporary relief.
      Calamine lotion, oatmeal baths, if your skin responds to soothers.
      Keep your nails so short you can’t injure yourself. Sleep with gloves on if necessary.
      I don’t know what food has to do with it, if anything, so I wouldn’t advise giving anything up unless some test has revealed an allergy to it.

      1. Two cents*

        Oh interesting. For me, itchy skin was temporarily relieved by cold, not hot. So cold showers were great but hot water made me itch like crazy. It is so interesting how different people can be from each other! I’m glad you found the thing that worked for you.

      2. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

        Honestly, any water. Spray yourself with a water bottle, go for a swim, take a shower. It only works while you are wet, but it does help. I think the extra sensation gives your nerves something else to to tell you about instead of just “Itchy!”.

    9. Piano girl*

      I am a cancer patient. One of the side effects of my meds is itchy skin, which has led into other issues. I am a big fan of the CereVe itch relief cream (not lotion). I’ve been through many jars of the stuff. I’ve also used DerMend cream and LaRoche-Posay Cicaplast Balm B5. I use Aveeno body wash, and have seen it my Dermatologist for prescription creams. Thankfully, it is mostly under control. Good luck!

      2. Filosofickle*

        I had the same question, as itchiness can be a symptom. (For me it’s itchy ears!) A friend swears by sea buckthorn supplements but I haven’t tried yet.

    11. An Anonymous Comment for Today*

      For me, the thing that finally worked was getting tested for allergies, finding out what I was specifically allergic to (it sometimes seems like I’m allergic to everything), undergoing desensitization shots for the environmental allergies, and then avoiding the foods that I am allergic to. I recommend doing this sooner rather than later and regret the time wasted as for years I suffered from my allergies before seeing a competent ENT with experience in allergies. The side effects that I suffered from taking antihistamines included dry eye, dry mouth and um, constipation. I believe that the years of dry mouth contributed to later dental and gum problems, although I can’t really prove this. (I have always been diligent about brushing and flossing.)

    12. Msd*

      Have them check your thyroid levels (THS T3 and T4). Thyroid causes itching especially itchy eyes as well as many other symptoms often associated with other conditions. . It’s a simple blood test but for some bizarre reason is not routinely checked.

    13. fhqwhgads*

      Ice. or heat.
      Ice because the numbness helps.
      Heat because some itch-causing-things are heat sensitive and the heat will actually resolve it.

    14. Kay*

      I don’t have any great solutions, only to say solidarity with the weird cycle stuff. I did start getting weird itchy nonsense for seemingly unknown reasons, but thankfully it isn’t long lasting.

      For me I’ve done best on eliminating just about everything from my diet, eating lots of clean salads with tons of veggies, keeping processed foods out. You may benefit from going through sensitivity/allergy testing and an elimination diet. For skin issues – does humidity help? For the first time in a while I was in a climate with extremely high humidity and within 24 hours it was like I had new skin. Short of an international relocation, sadly, I haven’t figured out how to replicate this. Taking hyluronic supplements and using the most hydrating products I can sometimes helps. I still run, but I do weights/pilates/yoga/kickboxing, etc.

    15. Ochre*

      I also have cycle-related itching, so you’re not alone in that. But mine is pretty manageable and localized so I just live with it.

      A couple of thoughts: 1) not all itching is histamine-related. It’s possible that a chronic pain specialist or a neurologist might have different ideas than a GP or a dermatologist. 2) do you have any implants? I knew someone who turned out to be allergic to her implanted birth control. In her case it was the Essure coil and I think those have been recalled by the FDA (the inner zinc became exposed) but it’s worth considering if you have any implanted devices.

    16. Qwerty*

      hm, you listed my favorite snacks that I eat frequently, never heard those connected to allergies before! I thought apples were actually a natural antihistimine but I haven’t looked that stuff up in a while.

      For me, antihistamine side effects were more about dosage than length of time. I have run into issues where they dry everything out for me (skin, nose, eyes, etc), at which point I switch to half doses or every-other-day. It can also become a cycle where things are itchy because they are dried out not because of allergies.

      Being hydrated has been helpful – helps prevent drying out + flushes bad stuff out. Too much plain water can flush out nutrients, so I swap some of it out for electrolyte water like Smart Water. Oatmeal based lotions like Aveeno have also been super helpful.

      Hormone balancing foods like Quinoa have also been helpful whenever I’m trying to get something balanced in my life. No idea if it is related to hormones or because they are usually just healthy foods in general

    17. Itchy*

      Thank you very much to all of you who have replied so far! There are many suggestions here I haven’t seen anywhere else. I was running dry on next steps and now with your advice I have a number of ideas I can try.

      1. Msd*

        I said it earlier but I’ll say it again (not to be a jerk) but if you haven’t already please first have your thyroid levels checked. .

  24. Morrigan Crow*

    I’m going to be in Milwaukee at the end of July for a week (luckily not during the convention). Any recommendations for a neighborhood to stay in with nearby cafes and walks (along the water or enjoyable shopping/neighborhoods)? Also things to do like historical walking tours, museums & bakeries? (I’m not into sports, nightlife or alcohol – though I do enjoy factory tours). Thanks for any Milwaukee advice! (I’ll probably be sticking to the city – may or may not have a car, and Chicago is a different trip).

    1. Morning Reading*

      I think Harley Davidson is there, if you like motorcycles. Fabulous art museum on the lakefront, watch it at closing as the wings fold up.
      Get fresh cheese curds somewhere too.

    3. LNLN*

      If you are an architecture fan, check out Frank Lloyd Wright’s Burnham Block. You can tour a restored single family home and a unit in a duplex. I think the buildings were designed around 1915 or so.

    4. Texan In Exile*

      Yes!!!

      HistoricMilwaukee dot org offers walking tours.
      LakefrontBrewery dot com has a fun factory tour. I don’t like beer but I still liked the tour. The guy who gave ours was getting a master’s degree in history and his thesis was on beer.
      Friendslsp dot org (Lakeshore Park) has tours. We went on the fossil tour and it was fun. (And free)
      Clock Shadow Creamery used to have a cheese tour, but I don’t know if they do it anymore.
      MilwaukeeKayak dot com has some fun excursions, including some joint events with the historic society.
      SculptureMilwaukee dot com sometimes has tours, but even if they don’t, you can get the map of the sculptures and walk the route yourself. There are permanent and temporary sculptures scattered all over the city. One of my favorites – this one is permanent – is a huge iron thing in front of the MKE Art Museum. It was made by Betty Gold, a sculptor who was also a Miss Texas. (I think she’s still alive, with a studio in Santa Fe.)

      Villa Terrace is an interesting little museum.

      The Milwaukee Public Museum is going to be rebuilt and is worth a visit before it disappears. The decades-old dioramas are super cool (although somewhat dated in their language), as is the butterfly room, where you can be surrounded by living butterflies. The jungle room replicates a jungle in Costa Rica and has bird sounds, which really confused Merlin, which was looking at my location data and saying, “Resplendent quetzal????????” And the Streets of Old Milwaukee are fun.

      Visit Uzinger’s Sausage on 3rd St. They have a bargain counter. :) You used to have to know about it and ask for the clerk to look on the table in the back (“Do you have any – Canadian bacon?”), but now it’s not a big secret – they display it up front.

      If you had a car, I would send you up to the Kohler Design Center, where there are amazing mockups of perfect bathrooms and kitchens. They also used to have a tour of their factory, where you could watch the molten iron being poured into the bathtub mold and see artists painting custom sinks.

      1. Mobie's Mom Now*

        Lakefront Brewery has/had a good maple root beer, since you’re not into alcohol. And I agree that the tour is worth it anyway!

    6. Vanessa*

      Even if you don’t drink check out the lakefront brewery tour. It’s hilarious. Sprecher is my second choice and they have yummy sodas.
      There is so much good food. I read somewhere that it’s one of the top restaurant cities. Glorioso’s on Brady has the best Italian beef. The bartolotta restaurant chain is higher end and worth it.
      The oriental theater is really cool if you are up for a movie.
      The third ward has great wandering and food.
      There is always a fest or street festival.
      Have a really fun trip.

    7. H.Regalis*

      -MKE art museum people already mentioned, but it’s awesome
      -Walking around near the lakeshore is fun
      -Indulgence Chocolates in Walker’s Point
      -If there are any cultural festivals or block parties near where you’re staying, those are usually fun to check out

    8. EngineerGal*

      Get a selfie with the “Bronze Fonz”- yes I am dating myself:-) If you don’t know who Fonzie is, Henry Winkler was in a show before Barry.

  25. Gretta Swathmore*

    How do I get a friend to stop wanting to schedule phone calls with me? I love talking on the phone with her, but I absolutely HATE this new trend of scheduling personal chat phone calls. I’m so scheduled in my work life, I just don’t want to have to commit to talking on the phone at a specific time in my non-work life. I don’t mind making real plans with people in advance, not one bit. But phone calls? I like to have some spontaneity in life! Just call me! Or I’ll call you! Neither of us is overly busy or pretentious, quite the opposite. I think she has people in her life who ARE overly scheduled and pretentious, so she thinks she’s being polite. Any thoughts? I’ve noticed this trend with my friends in DC. My friends and family in the Midwest are still in the “just call” school of thought. I’m a fan of synchronicity and spontaneity so will always be in the just call camp. I don’t want to run my personal life like I’m a project manager for heavens sake.

    1. Itchy*

      It’s annoying, I agree, but it may be one of those things one has to put up with. I don’t like it either, but I’ve gone with friends’ preference on this, because I’m even more uncomfortable with forcing someone to agree to unplanned developments they’ve specifically said they don’t like (a mutually arranged time is, to my mind, more compatible with mutual consent). I also have a friend who is of my mind, but has a knack for calling at the wrong time—just before a big deadline or when I’m rushing to get to work, so I can relate to the other side, too.

      1. Gretta Swathmore*

        Mutual consent? It’s just a phone call. I think that may the rub – I don’t think a phone call is a big deal at all. I talk to friends and family a lot every day on the phone, it’s no big deal to me. I get that other people think phone calls are a some deal/imposition. To me, the imposition is having to schedule something and go back and forth on text and be all formal about it, not the actual call! I just need to talk to her. Thank you!!

        1. GoryDetails*

          Heh! As a person who really, really hates phone calls, especially unscheduled ones, I find the idea of “just call anytime” as something akin to walking into a spiderweb, complete with feeling all jumpy and get-it-off-of-me. When e-mail came in, my social life changed immensely for the better; I adore asynchronous, deal-with-it-when-you-want, text-based communication! (Also, the little ping of incoming email or text does not make me jump the way an incoming voice-call does. I’ve always said I have phone-o-phobia.)

          1. Gretta*

            When emails/text came in, my social life change immensely for the worse. I loved having a family phone number growing up and chatting with my friends for hours after school. I can’t believe I live in a world where we have fun phone calls so rarely. Guess you nervous introverts won out. Makes sense – folks like you were the probably more heavily represented in the tech industry. For me, it’s such a huge negative life experience. I live alone, and my life would be SO MUCH BETTER if it was normal for friends to talk on the phone. Instead, it’s just dreary texts which don’t do much for me at all.

            2. Filosofickle*

              I miss phone calls too, but don’t like surprise calls so much — I like scheduling, or at least checking in by text first to confirm it’s a good time. It’s not all one side or the other.

    2. talos*

      I don’t have a smartwatch, and I keep my phone on silent to not be distracted by spam calls. If I am not expecting your call, I will not pick it up, because I won’t know it’s happening. So you have to schedule phone calls if you want to actually reach me.

      …and then I treat other people like I want to be treated.

      This is not to say that either of us is right or wrong, just to present what your friend’s perspective might be.

    3. Forensic13*

      Just to check—have you stayed this to her bluntly, no hinting? If not, I would suggest it. Or alternatively, could you give her some mild parameters so she might feel more comfortable? Like: I’m always free after 5PM or never before noon, please?

      1. Gretta Swathmore*

        I think I just need to talk to her about it like you said. Thanks! I just have to be brave.

        1. allathian*

          You do. People have different preferences on this and they won’t know yours unless you tell them.

          I’m not overly scheduled because I need a lot of downtime for my mental health, but most of my friends are very busy. If we didn’t schedule calls, I’d never get to talk to them or we’d end up playing phone tag.

        2. AGD*

          I prefer scheduled phone calls but one friend breezily went, “You can just surprise me – I like that better!” and I laughed out loud because I’d unwittingly assumed that everyone would prefer things to at least be set up at particular times.

    4. Amey*

      The only unscheduled phone calls we have are with my husband’s family (who are local) and people who are trying to sell us things (that kitchen company we got a quote from 6 months ago that calls us every month!) My family are in another country so we have to schedule calls in order to get time zones to work.

      I don’t really have short phone calls! And I have a very busy life that is filled more with bad times to talk than good. If you’re a good friend of mine, I’d rather know that when we talk we’ll get to talk properly. I also, to be honest, spend a lot of time talking to people and have points where I would prefer to spend my free time just focusing on one quiet thing by myself, like knitting! I don’t get to do that very often, so would be annoyed to be called out of the blue and would feel obligated to take it.

      I completely understand your position and honestly also rebel against the over scheduled nature of my life in other ways – but unscheduled phone calls just wouldn’t work for my life at all.

      Not invalidating your experience just giving an alternative perspective as to what might be going on here. But just talk to her – it sounds as though she might feel the same as you but have lots of friends like me! I’m just pushing back gently on the idea of a one true way here, people are different, different preferences are valid.

    5. Mighty K*

      I don’t really like “out of the blue” calls because there’s a really high chance they happen when I’m half way through doigg something, or travelling, or I’m just not settled and able to give you my attention and enjoy the call. But for me, scheduled doesn’t need to be a week in advance – the ideal would be getting a message like “hey, are you free this eve? Wanna catch up?” and I can reply to say “that’d be fab, give me 15 mins to wrap up and make a cup of tea – will call you then!”

      1. RussianInTexas*

        My stepmom calls me during the day with “are you working?” which is always “yes, it’s 3pm on a Tuesday”, and then “this is the latest terrible thing that happened to your dad’s health (he has dementia)”, so no, I do not live spontaneous phone calls.

        1. allathian*

          Yeah, this. I have a scheduled weekly phone call with my mom on Fridays when I get home from work or stop working for the day. At other times we text with no schedule. If my mom calls me out of the blue it’s bad news.

      2. Anonymous Educator*

        Yeah, I wonder how much of this is a matter of age/time, as opposed to generation.

        I’m Gen X, and I used to make and receive random phone calls with friends all the time when I was in high school and college. In adulthood, partly because people just get busy with life (work, kids, etc.) and partly because of how technology has evolved (how would you coordinate a phone call pre-email and pre–cell phone?), most friends I talk with the phone usually involve some kind of text message checking on whether it’s a good time to catch up or not.

        1. Gretta*

          Fellow GenXer. If you would have told 12 year old me that when I was an adult I would almost never talk to my friends on the phone, I would have cried in misery for days. I sometimes can’t believe how shitty and lonely our current tech world is. I would give anything to go back to the 90s.

          1. Anonymous Educator*

            Same! Loved the hours-long phone calls, mix tapes, and handwritten letters and postcards.

    6. londonedit*

      This is something that’s definitely changed in my lifetime, thanks to the advent of mobile phones. Phone calls used to be the only spontaneous way of contacting someone, and the way a phone call worked was that you’d just pick up the phone and dial and hope the person you wanted to speak to was there. There wasn’t really a way to schedule a phone call unless you did it in person or on another phone call (or I suppose by letter!)

      Now, with smartphones and instant messaging, things like text and WhatsApp are the ways we speak to people spontaneously. And they’re not intrusive – you send a message and the person can reply at their leisure. So now a phone call seems very intrusive, because you have to drop everything and take the call. What used to be completely normal now feels like an intrusion into someone’s day. So I can see why your friend feels they want to schedule a call – they might not want to feel like they’re interrupting by calling with no notice, or they might want to make sure you’re free to chat (or indeed that they’re free to chat). But I can also see your point of view – a phone call with a friend is meant to be a casual conversation, not an appointment.

      I think you do just need to explain to her that you’d love to chat, but you feel that scheduling calls is too restrictive for you and you’d rather she just rang whenever she felt like it and not worry if you don’t pick up.

      1. Lurker*

        But a phone call doesn’t have to be intrusive. If a friend spontaneously calls you, you can choose not answer it; you don’t have to “drop everything.”

        1. londonedit*

          I’m not saying it is necessarily intrusive – I’m saying the way we view phone calls has changed, and it now feels to many people like an unscheduled call is less polite than sending a WhatsApp message.

        2. Ginni*

          I can and I do – but the need to make that decision and worry about how it will be received it, in itself, an intrusion. An unwelcome and unnecessary one, easily avoided by a quick text to say “hey, you free for a chat?”

    7. Miss Buttons*

      I also do not like the trend towards scheduling phone calls. One friend in particular seems to expect a very long call (sometimes an hour or more) if it’s scheduled. I feel like a hostage, and she’ll get annoyed if I try to hang up at 30 minutes (“but you said this was a good time for you!”) My lifestyle doesn’t allow for hour-long calls, period. So with her I get around it by texting mostly, and in the middle of a text conversation, if I feel up to phone-chatting, I’ll ask “can you take a short call now?”
      But I so agree with not wanting to schedule my free time when I’m off work.

      1. Sloanicota*

        Ha! The reason I want to schedule with my one friend is that once she gets yakking, she’s going to be on the phone all night and my entire evening is gone, so I need to be prepared!

        1. allathian*

          Yes, this. I can talk for literal hours with my best friend, so we schedule our calls.

          But for shorter calls, scheduling usually means texting to ask f the person’s available. If not, we schedule a call for later.

    8. chocolate muffins*

      I don’t think it’s within your power to get anyone to stop wanting anything, but for sure you don’t have to schedule phone calls if you don’t want to. I schedule with some friends and do spontaneous calls with others, depending on what works for them. A friend of mine once asked me if I wanted to schedule a regular call (like, the first Saturday of every month or something like that) during a time when my life was very busy and more unpredictable than usual. I said something like, “Friend, I love you and I love talking with you, and also my life cannot handle a scheduled commitment like that right now. It would be great to catch up as we’re able, though!” And now we talk on the phone about once a month, but not always at the same time, and it’s lovely. So one thing that might help is expressing enthusiasm for your friend and your conversations while also explaining what works for you and what doesn’t.

      1. Sloanicota*

        Aw I did the same thing with my friend and I could tell she was really bummed and hurt. But I just couldn’t do it anymore. She started it during covid but wanted it to keep going after the lockdowns ended.

    9. Morning Reading*

      Have you asked her outright? That might be the best way. “I’ve noticed we have different communication styles, can you just call me when you like and not schedule?”
      A compromise might be to give her a window or two when you’re usually available. “Im usuallyhome Saturday afternoons and Tuesday evenings but I don’t answer the phone after 9.”
      Friend of mine, who had been a PM inhis career, always used to end his calls by trying to set up our next appointment. “In closing, I’ll be in touch next Sunday morning at 10, does that work for you?” LOL. I’d say “dude, we’re not at work, just call me when you want, I’ll pick up if I can.”
      Never did really resolve that.
      Downside of my preferred spontaneous method is that I don’t answer at least half the time. But I always call back later.

      1. Still*

        Ha, I love scheduling the next phone call at the end of the current one, especially for my long-distance friends. It’s a great way to make sure we’ll actually talk soon.

    10. MissCoco*

      I think you have to just say it. I have a dear friend who prefers scheduled calls (and honestly I don’t mind because she is so busy that it’s hard to reach her otherwise). We talked about this once and she said she is happy to receive unscheduled calls, so every once in a while we have a nice spontaneous chat, and in the meantime we will schedule calls.
      I love the script AGD’s friend used, to focus on enjoying the surprise rather than disliking the effort of scheduling.

    11. Sloanicota*

      Hahah I JUST had this issue. I have an (older, male) friend who thinks it’s “cheeky” to call without warning just to chat once in a blue moon – he is aware it annoys me because he jokes that he’s “doing a boomer.” And I just had an issue this week where I was getting ready to go on a work trip, saw the phone was ringing as I was putting it in my bag, and picked it up thinking it might be my boss. He “needed to talk” and I – stupidly – let myself be persuaded by my people-pleaser side. I ended up making several stupid packing mistakes because I was distracted by the conversation and went from being on-time to the meeting to being 40 minutes late when all’s said and done. Afterwards I kept thinking, “why on earth didn’t I tell him it wasn’t a good time and I had to go??”

    12. RussianInTexas*

      I am not overscheduled or pretentious, but if I get an unexpected spontaneous phone call from anyone, my first thought will be “did something bad happen?” In fairness, no one in my circle of friends and family calls without A Reason.
      In addition, DND kicks in at 10pm until 7 am on school nights, and 10pm until 10am on weekends on my phone, and I won’t answer an unscheduled call from anyone except two people who are exception.

      1. RussianInTexas*

        Just want to clarify I am not a young person who are perceived of terrified of phones and I talk to people on the phone at work and have no issues calling places like a doctor’s office. I grew up taking on the phone with friends.
        But I loath personal phone calls now. I don’t ever know what to talk about.

    13. BikeWalkBarb*

      Suggest that she schedule for herself the task of texting you to find out if you’re available for a quick chat and give her some day/time blocks that are the ones when you’re most likely (although not guaranteed!) to be available. She gets 100% of the scheduling burden and she can leave you a voice mail if you’re not available.

      I do and don’t understand the scheduling need. My best friend in another town and I call each other all the time just because we have a few minutes. I love her messages that say “I got nothin’, just going out for a walk and thought I’d see if you were available.” With my daughters I do some scheduling because we’re in different time zones.

    14. Jay (no, the other one)*

      I see both sides and I do it both ways. I have one friend who doesn’t work outside the home and was often available when I was driving long distances for work, so I’d call and if she was available we’d chat and if not, no harm no foul. I have another friend who never – and I mean *never* – picks up the phone if he’s not expecting a call, so he and I text to arrange a time. With many of my friends it’s somewhere in between – sometimes one of us calls spontaneously and sometimes we text and say “hey, would love to catch up, are you free sometime?”

      Neither approach strikes me as pretentious and I can completely understand why it’s annoying to have to schedule your free time. I also know that I if I told my must-schedule friend to call me whenever he was free, I would never – and I mean never – hear from him. I’d rather talk to him than not talk to him so we schedule.

      Over the years I’ve realized I’m often the one who picks up the phone or sends the Email or arranges the gathering. It’s not that my friends don’t like me. It’s just how it is. I’ve tried waiting for them to reach out and – crickets. So I do the scheduling. I’m OK with that. The second or third time someone is busy/tied up/whatever, I stop asking.

    15. Chaordic One*

      I’m sure you are correct in your assumption that your friend is trying to be considerate of your time in attempting to schedule her calls with you, so that she doesn’t call during an inconvenient time when you are busy with other things or when you aren’t there. You can certainly tell her things like, “You can call me anytime” and “You don’t have to schedule a call with me” if that is the case. And you can also reach out to her and give her a call, instead of just waiting for her to always call you.

      1. Sloanicota*

        If a friend told me they really wanted to talk to me on the phone more but didn’t want to pre-schedule it (I’m a scheduler) it would be a kindness to tell me, “I’d love to talk to you Tuesdays any time, just give me a call whenever it works for you” or “I’m always available in the afternoons” – they could also text me and say, “if you can talk today, give me a call!” and that would be meeting me halfway. In theory, this is someone you like and are willing to be a bit more flexible with, even though you have different communication styles and neither one of you is wrong – just like “texts about minutiae all day” guy, or the “group thread that will go off 200 times an hour” family. Giving me a no-warning phone call isn’t really the halfway option, but if you don’t mind me not picking up if I’m not available, it’s a choice.

    16. Hyaline*

      Are you sure it’s not helpful for her? Because if it is—I’d accept the scheduling as the price paid to keep in touch. Like it’s not pretentious to have a hard time finding a half hour free all in one block if you have work, kids, kids’ extracurriculars, family demands, all lobbing off weird chunks of time. I’m not oh so special or anything—I just have a lot of awkwardly paced time commitments. You could try just telling her “I’m always free after six on weekdays, call anytime!” but only if you really will drop what you’re doing to chat if she’s doing her best to carve out time for you.

    17. Lives in a Shoe*

      I didn’t see anyone suggesting the quick “is this a good time to call?” text; that’s what me and mine do. Kind of a hybrid.

  26. NotABuffaloGal*

    I’ve read about a few different encounters people have had with wildlife lately, usually at Yellowstone, and it puzzles me how some people seem to think that these large wild animals are safe or something? A ranger had to stop a couple from having their young kids pose in front of (and very close to) some elk.

    And what are people thinking of when it comes to buffalo? (American Bison). They’re huge and massive. But there are videos showing people acting like these are friendly pets.

    I’m honestly curious about why people do that kind of thing. These are adults, they probably know better than to walk right in front of a moving car, or else they probably wouldn’t have lived long enough to get to Yellowstone. It sounds like there are warning signs up to remind people not to mess with the wild animals.

    It just makes me wonder what people are thinking when they do something like this. Especially with a buffalo. Any ideas? I guess maybe they aren’t thinking, but I would think most people would have enough fear to realize it wasn’t a good idea.

    1. City kid*

      Are they from countries with large wild animals? I mean, probably. For them, I have no idea. But I’m living in a country at the moment where there is literally nothing enormous and some of the people here are astoundingly ignorant of what to keep in mind.

      Come to think of it, maybe they’re all city kids. I am a city kid and know what not to do, but maybe that’s not universal. I certainly didn’t have ANY experience with something larger than a dog “out in the wild”. And you do get to pose in front of large animals at a zoo.

      Probably a lot of it is “not thinking” rather than “what were they thinking”.

      1. Sloanicota*

        Yeah, even if you were raised in the suburbs or exerbs – which are huge – you may have only encountered large, friendly-ish animals at the zoo. Everything else is a golden retriever to you. If you’re not familiar with national parks you may subliminally assume it’s like a zoo or Disney or whatever and the animals are somewhat trained or docile (not that zoo animals are docile, but you are prevented from getting close to them if you’re not – in fact, in such places, there’s a lot of effort that goes into preventing you from doing anything dangerous – which is not the risk profile of a national park). It also may seem like a once-in-a-lifetime chance to get that photo, and as far as you can tell the animal seems to be calmly grazing …

        1. Sloanicota*

          Not that it’s at all the same, but I’m equally astonished by all the people here in the city who either approach my very large dog “for a hug” (?), or seemingly allow their tiny children to run directly up to my extremely large dog and get right in his face. My dog has more in common with a bison than a golden retriever, but I assume they just can’t wrap their heads around the idea that a dog out in the world on a leash could be a threat. They’re also terrible at reading his body language in any way and just assume he must be extremely friendly.

          1. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

            Counterpoint- large dogs that are threats to humans because of their dispositions should not be allowed in areas where humans are. I’m not saying people should run up to strange dogs but if a small children accidentally getting near your dog poses a threat to that child, then YOU are failing to contain your dog. Children have a right to live in human society, dogs don’t.

            1. Sloanicota*

              My take is that almost no dog is safe to let a small child run up to. But, that’s my two cents. Other people are certainly more sure of their dogs’ perfection.

      2. goddessoftransitory*

        That could be it! Non-locals tend to have a really hard time processing how absolutely enormous elk, bears, sea lions and such really, truly are. They see pictures taken at a distance and so on, but I find quite a few people tend to think of these creatures as between “big dog” and “deer” in size.

    2. Undine Spragg*

      They have no experience with wild animals but have seen them on tv and the internet, and just sort of visualize them as large pets that somebody owns. They don’t really realize they are in the outdoors and think it’s like a large petting zoo. Like, they wouldn’t put the animals out where you could approach them if it wasn’t safe, right? And the animals must be there for these people’s convenience or they wouldn’t be there at all.

      1. Angstrom*

        Yup. I think some people see “……Park” and assume that *everything* is managed. Why would those animals be roaming around loose if they weren’t safe?
        We see similar assumptions in our rural area. People whose only experience of a “hiking trail” is a city park arrive at mountain trailheads expecting a groomed path.

        1. londonedit*

          We had similar issues between lockdowns when people couldn’t travel abroad. Package holidays to places like Spain have been so cheap and so available over the last 20 years or so that many people had never holidayed in the UK and had never really experienced the countryside – they’d go on an all-inclusive holiday every year and everything would be laid on and they wouldn’t really have any need to leave the hotel or do anything for themselves. So they didn’t really know how to behave in the countryside. It’s not an excuse because any reasonable person should know to take their litter with them and not damage things etc, but some people do just have a sense of being entitled to a holiday and being entitled to do what they want to enjoy themselves, and they didn’t really think about the fact that no one’s there to clear up after them.

        2. GoryDetails*

          Yeah, I think the “park” concept may have something to do with it. I’ve read several books that consolidate the dangers of various national parks (Death in Yellowstone, Over the Edge: Death in Grand Canyon, to name two), and many of the more tragic – yet absolutely avoidable – instances involve people hopping over guardrails or strolling past “do not go beyond this point” signs to get better views, sometimes encouraging children to do the same for photo opportunities… It’s wrenching to read about.

        3. o_gal*

          Agree with the statement on “hiking” trails. At the visitor’s center on Mt Washington in NH, there is a wall that you do not want your name on (assuming it’s still there, we were last there in 2003.) All the people who have died while hiking the mountain. The problem is that there are multiple trails, some rated fairly easy, a road you can drive to the summit, and a cog railway you can ride to the summit. How hard could it be? Why, I should just be able to grab a map and a water bottle, head up the trail with dozens of other people, and I won’t ever get in any trouble! It’s just like my local metro park! Who cares if it’s noted as having the world’s worst weather? It’s summer and I’ve got my cell phone with me!

          1. GoryDetails*

            Oh, yes, Mt. Washington! The book Not Without Peril by Nicholas Howe covers a lot of the tragedies on that and other mountains in the Presidential range, many of them due to people failing to believe just how quickly conditions can and do change between the bottom of the mountain and the top. (I live in NH and have yet to go to the top of Mt. Washington; I’m not a hiker so I wouldn’t do it on foot, have a fear of driving narrow, winding trails so I won’t drive up, and haven’t made up my mind to schedule a cog-railway trip – though I’d love to do that at some point. I do often see the local weather maps showing the DRASTIC difference in temperature, wind speed, and precipitation atop the mountain; often it seems it could be a portal to the Arctic.)

          2. WellRed*

            I live in Maine. I think cell phones have made hikers stupidly overconfident and unprepared.

          3. Angstrom*

            Mt. Washington would get a lot more respect if you had to go on an expedition to get there. Reality is that you can get on I-93 in Boston and be at the trailhead three hours later. How bad could it be?
            The one piece of advice I give anyone heading into those mountains is to read the Higher Summits Forecast and disregard the conditions in the valley. It’s a different world above treeline.

        4. goddessoftransitory*

          “Hiking” and “swimming” claim multiple lives in my area every year, because inexperienced walkers and swimmers subliminally seem to think they’re in a park or swimming pool at all times, fatally miscalculate, and end up dying of exposure/ hypothermia, or drowning.

      2. Elizabeth West*

        Entitled. They’re entitled. “I want to do this, therefore I have a right to do so. I love the animal; therefore it must of course be inclined to return that love, and I simply do not believe that this is in any way a threat to me.”

        Also, they really don’t get that it’s a huge threat to the animal. If something happens, that animal is going to be euthanized.

        *cough* Timothy Treadwell *cough*

    3. strawberry lemonade*

      Probably one aspect is that they’re herbivores. That goes pretty far. Not “they’re not wild” but “they’re herbivores so they don’t hurt other creatures.” This is incorrect but it FEELS correct.

      Another is likely that people think, “yeah I’ll be careful” and just don’t have a particularly good idea of how fast something could go wrong.

      1. Sloanicota*

        Which is funny because the first time I hiked through a field with cows in it, and got at all close to the cow, my spidey sense was immediately kicking in – danger! danger! that cow is really freaking large up close!! And these were gently dairy cows, obviously herbivores, placidly munching away.

        1. londonedit*

          Cows can be dangerous, though! Especially if you have a dog with you, and especially if there are calves with them. They can and do trample people if they feel threatened.

          1. Elizabeth West*

            Hell yeah. I almost got trampled in this exact situation by one of our cows when my ex and I went out to check on a new calf. Luckily all she did was knock me aside in her rush to go after the dog, who had followed us without our realizing it.

            Also, deer will mess you up. And y’all know how big a moose actually is? It’s practically prehistoric!

      2. RussianInTexas*

        Once of deadliest animal is a hippo, which are herbivores. They will just drown you for the fun of it.

    4. londonedit*

      I would assume it’s just a complete lack of experience with these animals (or maybe with any animals at all). If people have only seen large animals in a zoo or on TV then they might not have a clue how they actually behave in the wild (and if they’re somewhere like Yellowstone they might view it as some sort of extended theme park rather than the actual wild with actual wild animals).

      There are kids living in London who have never seen cows in real life. One of my sister’s university friends genuinely thought badgers were mythical creatures like unicorns. I grew up in the countryside so I’ve always had a good knowledge of and familiarity with British wildlife, but even so we don’t have any big scary wild animals here, and the only time people would see them would be if they visit a safari park like Longleat. Combined with the fact that some people are just stunningly unaware of their surroundings in general, I bet that’s what’s going on.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        When my daughter was a toddler we discovered a local farm run by the Audubon society, where I could take her around to see actual cows, pigs, etc. It really brought home how much children’s literature emphasized learning the sounds made by common farm animals, long after it was common for small children to be around farm animals.

          1. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

            Natick Community Organic Farm is pretty great too. No cows but usually pigs, sheep, goats, chickens and rabbits.

      2. Narwhals are real*

        I have encountered quite a few people who didn’t realise narwhals were real. Not quite as incredible as not realising badgers are real, but my first thought in both cases was ‘how wonderful to find out in adulthood that a creature you thought was mythical is real’. Lucky them!

        1. Catherine*

          I am one of those people! In my defense, the narwhal figurine I owned was sold in a set with a unicorn and iirc a gryphon? So it seemed very sensible to little me to assume that the unifying theme here was mythical creatures.

          1. Narwhals are real*

            Maybe whoever packaged the toys also didn’t know narwhals were real!

          2. NotABuffaloGal*

            I saw some commercials or something on a kids’ show where they had a platypus and a jackalope together. Since platypuses are real, and jackalopes are basically not (apparently some jackrabbits grew some stuff on their heads that could look just a bit like horns), this seemed to me like it would confuse kids.

            1. UKDancer*

              Jackalopes aren’t real! I didn’t know what they were until I read a short story by Ursula Vernon called “Jackalope Wives” so I kind of assumed it was another word for a deer and that they really existed.

              We live and learn!

          3. goddessoftransitory*

            Narwhal tusks were actually presented as unicorn horns as “proof” that the latter existed, so I can see the reasoning behind that bundling.

    5. AGD*

      Maybe some appeal-to-nature stuff going on here? It’s really easy to think that nature is all benign/beneficial if you’re from a background where you don’t ever have to contend with natural dangers. Same reason why you can convince so many people at Whole Foods to eat cherry pits or bitter almonds even though they tend to contain a lot of cyanide. And why some preventative treatments for contagious diseases have been so effective that people end up more afraid of the treatments than of the diseases.

    6. mreasy*

      If you’re talking about the US, I don’t think the impact of radically defunded public education can be minimized here. Especially for folks who aren’t from a place with much wildlife.

    7. Scientist*

      I was a national park ranger for five seasons across the US, and definitely saw or heard of people getting very close to black bears, grizzly bears, moose, etc. I definitely feel like it’s people thinking, “I’m in a park run by our overly cautious government having a touristy Experience! Anything goes!” They’ve come from the branded coffee shop and gift shop, picked up a lil junior ranger booklet, hopped into their rental RV, and when they see a cute moose on a short hike, it all feels like part of it. Like, if it was going to hurt them, it would have been shooed off already.

      1. Peanut Hamper*

        I do think there is a sense of entitlement with some people. “I paid good money for this vacation and I AM going to get a selfie with a moose.” And it’s usually something they want to post on social media so they can humble-brag about having this experience.

        Said people are highly annoying.

      2. NotABuffaloGal*

        Even when I look at black bears, grizzly bears, moose in the zoo, I’m still very impressed and very, very grateful for the barriers between us. Then again, I grew up mostly in the country. We didn’t have a lot of big animals there, but we at least knew not to mess with the deer or the cows.

        1. yeep*

          I live in the country and there is a herd of deer that live in the small wooded area across the road from my house. We have a trail through it and in the back part of the woods, I startle the deer every time I walk that far. I am 100% convinced that one day I am going to be broadsided by a doe trying to get away.

    8. Falling Diphthong*

      I wonder if rates would be lower in England (where you have public footpaths taking you through fields of cows, with warnings not to antagonize the cows) than in the US (where large livestock are not near the public pathway)?

      People have done this for a long time–Bill Bryson wrote about it in his book about hiking the Appalachian Trail. (Someone put honey on a toddler’s hand for the bear to lick off.) It’s akin to the need for signs at the Grand Canyon about how the natural wonder was not made by a team of imagineers and lawyers and so it’s not safe to mess around at the edge.

      While I recommend The Magic Treehouse series for early readers, I was quite annoyed when they went to dinosaur times and recognized stegosaurs as vegetarians, and therefore safe to walk up to and pat and hand feed some flora. The most dangerous (not insect or microbe) animals in Africa are water buffalo and hippos. They don’t eat you after they trample you to death, but they are tetchy and easy to annoy.

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          Yep. The YouTube presenter of Casual Geographic dub moose “The Moosiah” and rates them 10/10 for Bad Endings should you run into one.

      2. Jackalope*

        I was once on a drive with a group I worked with, including a coworker/friend who hadn’t spent much time in the forest. We drove by a bear who had wandered onto the road and stopped to take pictures (from our van). She was super excited by the bear and I had to physically hold her in the car so she didn’t run across the road and pet it. She was mad at me too, and I didn’t care one bit.

      3. The Prettiest Curse*

        In the UK, we tend to have less wildlife that can kill you than many other countries. Which may well make British folk over-confident about interacting with the local wildlife when they go on holiday elsewhere. (Did the opposite for me when I took trips to Lake Tahoe, though – I was very careful not to do anything to potentially attract bears.)

        1. Cordelia*

          British people can also be over-confident when they go on holiday here, I’m afraid. The New Forest in the south of England has ponies roaming free, they do belong to people but graze in the forest, and they are wild animals. People are always trying to get up close to them for photos, particularly to the foals, and most years someone gets injured. My mother, who lives there, has previously stopped someone from trying to put their baby on the back of a pony.

          1. londonedit*

            Yeah, people see the ponies in the New Forest, Exmoor etc and they cannot compute the idea that they’re to all intents and purposes wild animals. Ponies are cute, right? You can ride them! Nope.

            We also have a lot of trouble here with people not understanding that places like the Lake District can be dangerous – they set off up a mountain or a high fell wearing shorts and a t-shirt and Converse trainers, assume they can use their phone as a sat nav (or assume there will be a proper signed footpath) and have no idea that a) it’s a challenging hike and b) the weather conditions at the top can be completely different from at the bottom, and inclement weather can come in very quickly. Mountain rescue have to rescue several people every year. I think people just think ‘it’s Britain, how dangerous can it be’ and they assume they wouldn’t ‘let people go up there’ if it wasn’t safe.

            1. goddessoftransitory*

              Anyone who’s been around even a domesticated Shetland pony knows the falsity of that statement.

        2. Anonymous cat*

          Now I’m wondering—does Australia have this problem? Or are they more cautious around animals?

          I’ve seen memes—and read the Bill Bryson book!—about how many things in Australia want to kill you, but was never sure how serious they were and how much was exaggeration for effect.

          But if nature is seriously that dangerous, would Australians grow up knowing not to FAFO when traveling?

          1. Sara K*

            I can’t speak for all Australians but generally that meme about everything trying to kill you in Oz is pretty over-hyped. That said generally most Aussies grow up being careful in nature because the things that can kill you are usually smallish and quiet (snakes, spiders, jellyfish) and you can’t always see them coming :). The thing that visitors to Australia usually don’t get warned about that can actually kill them is swimming at the beach. Lots of Aussie beaches are beautiful but can have deadly rips especially if you are not a strong swimmer. Swimming is taught in primary school here. Anyway, if you do come here, always swim between the flags (means that part of the beach is being patrolled by life guards)

          2. Six Feldspar*

            As Sarah K has said, a lot of our species are small and quiet and don’t want much to do with us anyway. I did get Don’t Touch That drilled into me as a kid, but generally our wildlife isn’t as easy to reach as North American animals. You’ve got:
            – animals that most people wouldn’t want to pick up or get close to anyway (spiders, ants, scorpions)
            – animals that are easily spooked or hard to find (most Australian snakes are shy and will avoid humans, kangaroos and emus can easily outrun a human)
            – animals that are only in a specific part of nature (sharks are only a problem if you swim in the ocean and some river systems close to the ocean, crocs are dangerous in/around the water but you’re not generally going to see them anywhere else)

            I believe that of all our wildlife, kangaroos are actually the most deadly because they cause so many car crashes. Most of our animals are not aggressive or dangerous as long as you don’t bother them and/or don’t go into their habitat.

            I do wonder how many stories about people getting too close to large and furry animals is Australian tourists seeing a bear/cougar/bison/etc and going “well it’s fluffy, too big to fit in a shoe and not venomous, how dangerous could it be?”

          3. NotABuffaloGal*

            https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Binky_(polar_bear)
            According to that link, not everyone in Australia is careful. It includes “On July 29, 1994, 29-year-old Australian tourist Kathryn Warburton jumped over two safety rails to get a close-up photograph of Binky in his enclosure. When Binky stuck his head through the bars and grabbed her,[16][17][18] she suffered a broken leg and bite wounds”

            Maybe American bears seemed safer?

      4. Elizabeth West*

        (Someone put honey on a toddler’s hand for the bear to lick off.)

        *sputters incoherently*

        2. Clisby*

          I don’t think my husband has ever gotten over his shock at seeing a fisherman who had just pulled in a little shark on a SC beach hold it right up to what seemed to be his grandchild’s face. Granted, this was a small shark (like 2 feet long) but it still had a mouth full of teeth.

          We’re living in Charleston now, and every year we roll our eyes and wait for accounts of humans approaching alligators (during breeding/nesting season, no less); people feeding alligators in their neighborhood pond and then being totally SHOCKED when an alligator attacks a dog. You’d think it would be a fairly simple concept: Do not train alligators to associate humans with food. No good will come of that. And then when an alligator does attack a pet (or, not nearly so often, a person), the cry goes up to kill them. We moved into their territory, and all we need to do is have the common sense to leave them the fuck alone, but apparently common sense is not so common these days.

          1. Falling Diphthong*

            My dad worked for a company in Florida where some engineers would go throw marshmallows to the alligators at lunchtime, leading the alligators to assume that all humans would disgorge marshmallows with the right prodding.

          2. goddessoftransitory*

            Augh, alligators. People seem to think they’re props or toys–they hold still so well it’s hard to realize that when they want to they can move like the Flash. And climb things like fences.

            1. Clisby*

              And unlike some reptiles, female alligators guard their nests and look after the babies when they’re born. STAY AWAY, or you’ll be sorry.

    9. Shutterdoula*

      Because most of the time, bison move slowly, just chewing and eating grass. So it seems like you could approach them and they would ignore you. They think “I’ll just be quiet and calm and careful. It’ll be a great photo!”
      But bison can – and absolutely will! – can flip into self-defense mode real quick and they have horns and can run fast.

      1. NotABuffaloGal*

        There’s a drive thru place (takes about an hour on a gravel road) where lots and lots of animals run fairly free (lots of room, but they need some fencing somewhere to keep them away from the highway), and one of the buffalo feeding places is near the road. Sometimes one or two of them are only a few feet from the road. They don’t do much when they’re there, mostly just standing around. Still, I’m always deeply impressed and deeply grateful they don’t hurt my car.

        1. londonedit*

          I mentioned Longleat further up – it’s a safari and wildlife park in Wiltshire that’s famous for its animals. One of the most notorious bits is the area where you can drive through the park, through where animals like the monkeys and lions live. It’s full of signs saying DO NOT STOP, DO NOT OPEN WINDOWS, the monkeys WILL destroy your car if you give them a chance and they are NOT cute and fluffy, they will DAMAGE YOU if they get near you. Still people think it’s hilarious when the monkeys rip off their windscreen wipers (or, conversely, they’re super angry because yeah there were signs but they didn’t actually think the monkeys would actually cause actual damage).

          1. GoryDetails*

            I visited Longleat many years ago with friends, and enjoyed the safari park (though as it was a rather chilly, damp-ish day, the lions were all huddled together in a heap rather than putting on a show for the visitors). The awesome hedge-maze was a high point of the visit. But we did obey the warning signs and weren’t pestered too much by the monkeys. (I don’t know if that animal-park scene in “The Omen” was filmed at Longleat or not, but the scene of monkeys gone increasingly furious still sticks with me!)

            1. goddessoftransitory*

              It apparently stuck with the actress, too–they had no idea those baboons would get that aggressive and her fear was real.

    10. Girasol*

      I was listening to some national park rangers telling stories one night. One said he was training in a southern park under a senior ranger when they came upon a woman holding a polaroid camera and screaming incoherently. The senior ranger took a look at the photo she was holding and showed it to his trainee: a portrait of a small dog taken next to a resting alligator.

      Another one said that he had helped rescue a toddler standing next to a rattlesnake in the park’s parking lot. Dad was trying to get a picture of the two of them together. Dad explained afterward he was sure that the snake wasn’t dangerous because why would the park service put a dangerous snake in a parking lot?

      Some people just haven’t had much exposure to wilderness and wild animals. And to be sure, a bison just standing around really doesn’t look much more ambitious or speedy than a furry sofa. By the time someone realizes that looks can be deceiving, it’s too late.

      1. Chauncy Gardener*

        Agreed. And I think everyone is so disconnected from nature, from where their food comes from, from real, natural life that they think everything is a virtual world (and I am just a virtual girl, snirk).

    11. goddessoftransitory*

      I have a cousin who works in a national park and he gets these types all the time. The signs have gone from “Please Do Not Approach Wildlife” to “THIS ANIMAL WILL RIP YOU TO SHREDS AND PICK ITS TEETH WITH YOUR SPLINTERED FEMUR” but with little effect.

      I think it’s a combination of “I spent money to see the bears and I want cool pictures,” the Instagram/influencer pernicious plague, and the Disney effect, where it seems people think a 2000 pound furry tank with daggers on its head and sabers for hooves is a chatty chum because that’s how they process “animal.”

      1. Don’t make me come over there*

        Scientific American just published an article titled “If Not Friend, Why Friend-Shaped? A Beary Scientific Investigation”. One of the factors they mentioned are that bears are part of the sub-order Caniformia (dog-shaped), and so remind us of the species that we domesticated to be companions.

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          A different Scientific American (on Becoming Human) had a theory that humans and dogs both self-domesticated. Humans finally hit on mating with other humans who liked being around bigger groups of humans and could cooperate in those groups, which had some associated changes like face flattening. Wolves hit on hanging about humans as a food source, with the ones most tolerant of humans also pulling along those related domestication traits.

      2. Andromeda*

        I am 100% sure that my brain works this way; even my attitude towards bears is “cute friend! THAT WE LOOK AT FROM A VERY, VERY LONG DISTANCE WITH A BIG FENCE.” I have hope that this attitude is still trainable and can exist simultaneously with the “would like to pet *every* animal, please” instinct. The way I understand it, if you were really friends with a creature you would treat it with respect and communicate on its terms.

    12. fhqwhgads*

      Some people are dumb. It’s not really much more complex than that. It still only takes a very small number of dumb people making the news for doing the same dumb thing for it to seem like a lot.
      I mean, google the guy who thought it was a good idea to put his kid over the TWO fences between the elephant exhibit and the viewing area.

    13. H.Regalis*

      It’s just people being dumb. If you dig into past news reports enough, you can find older stories where people did the same stuff. I remember one from the early 2000s in Kakadu National Park where some tourists went swimming in a billabong because the guide told them it was okay, even though there are signs everywhere, in multiple languages and with pictures, saying, “Do not get in the water. The crocodiles will eat you.”

  27. Amey*

    Ridiculous question for the cat lovers! We’re undertaking a fairly significant house renovation (no changes to layout or extension however) and my kids and I decided this week that when we’ve completed the downstairs we’ll get a pair of kittens (I don’t think it would be safe for them beforehand and we wouldn’t be able to give them all the attention they need.) We have been thinking about this for YEARS. I think I am in reality a cat person, I grew up with many cats and dogs and really miss the cats in particular. My husband’s family hates cats (because cats catch birds and they love birds) and he grew up with that view, but he has come round after spending time with my mum’s cats and the four neighbour cats that play in our garden.

    Despite growing up with pets, we haven’t had one as adults since the dog we had 12 years ago. She was a rescue who turned out to bite (we got her informally online, we were young and foolish!) We worked intensively with a caring behaviourist but we could not resolve the behaviour and the three years or so we had her were very traumatic for me. Eventually, we gave her to a specialist rescue when we had a baby and it wasn’t safe but I think it’s unlikely that she stopped biting at that point and that she will have eventually been put down. I still deeply feel I failed her. I read a lot of things at the time that a pet is as much a part of the family as a child that reinforced that view.

    We also lost a childhood cat (hit by a car) at a particularly traumatic point when I was an older teenager and my father had recently died and I was alone for the weekend looking after my two younger siblings. I had to tell my little brother for whom the cat was his best friend and support them both on my own.

    So I’ve clearly got some stuff here! I do quite deeply want the cats, but I worry a few things a) they will destroy my newly decorated house right? The couple of minor antiques I have and the curtains I’m hoping to sew? Hair everywhere! My house is not a tidy sterile space at all but I have this vision that someday it will be nice at least. b) Pets die, and the main reason we haven’t got cats to date is the sadness for the children although they’re old enough now (7 & 9) that I feel they’re more emotionally able to handle it. The joy will outweigh the eventual sorrow right? c) Dead animals arriving at my door. How to deal with it? How to deal with my husband’s (otherwise lovely) family making comments/disliking the cats?

    I am catastrophising as you can see, reassure me! I’ve held off doing this because of the above reasons but I feel that my children and I are really starting to miss this bond now. Thanks, please be kind!

    1. Cordelia*

      well, you’re not catastrophising, all these things may well come to pass, and in my opinion it will still be totally worth it! I don’t know what your antiques are, but my cats have never damaged wood furniture, but yes they will probably scratch your soft furnishings. Your house won’t be a tidy sterile space – but you have kids, so that’s not a reasonable aspiration anyway! It will still be “nice” because cats make it nicer.
      Pets will die, and it’s sad. But you don’t avoid making relationships with people in case they die. Losing a pet is often children’s first experience of death, and it’s not necessary or helpful to protect them from these feelings.
      As for bringing in dead things – some cats do, some cats don’t. It’s grim, you find a way.
      And the in-laws – well, maybe they will come to love the cats if they get to know them. And if not, well, they are going to dislike things about the way you live, you don’t have to change to please them, and if they are rude you can point that out to them.
      Cat fan here, as you can tell!

    2. strawberry lemonade*

      Keep your cats indoors and they will be at much much much less risk of untimely death + bringing untimely death to other creatures at your door.

      That said, cats are animals and therefore are a little gross. For your “a” point, yeah there will be cat hair around, and sometimes they’ll have barf or bathroom accidents. A litter box is ultimately a box of poop you have in your house.

      Cats also love to play a game called Get Their Attention! and the way they win is by getting your attention. If you really really really don’t want the cat to touch a minor antique, the cat will identify that minor antique as a winning move in Get Their Attention!

      It’s also fairest and kindest to the cats to have a lot of cat apparatus around. Scratching posts, cat trees, toys, etc. Your house should look like a cat lives there.

      All that said, I love having cats, and love cats in general. I treasure the bonds I have with my kittens, and my recently-passed cat was my friend. That’s the answer to b I suppose; in Norwegian Wood, Murakami writes about the twin realizations that death is a part of life, not life’s opposite; and that although it’s a part of life it’s still dreadfully sad.

      1. JPalmer*

        Absolutely agree on the indoor part.
        There is no defensible argument for having outdoor cats.

        They destroy the local ecosystem even if the owner never witnesses it. They massacre birds which booms the insect populations.

        There are other ways to stimulate a cat than letting them roam free, like cat walks, viewing carriers, cat-fenced areas.
        They are hire risk for parasites themselves (so higher vet bills, less longevity) as well as being at risk of getting hit by a car or in a fight with another animal.
        Animalogic just did a good video on this whole topic.

        Tons of interior toys are good. How you interact with the toys matter as well. Toys are partially fun due to owner interaction of putting magic into the toys, which means spending time with the cat, enticing it to play.
        Hair will depend a bit on the cat itself and how much you groom it.

        A: Pets are messy. They will get hair everywhere. I have a robot vacuum and a lint roller for my dog which help keep the place neater. I wipe his paws coming and going which helps reduce that mess. The area around a litterbox is always going to be messy and a bit smelly.

        B: I think it is healthy and normal for children to gain a safe understanding of loss. Things in life aren’t permanent or entirely controllable. It is important to recognize that a promise of joy is that it will end sometime, that there will be a sadness when it is over. That enjoying that joy and experiencing that loss are healthy and normal.

      2. tangerineRose*

        If you keep your cats indoor-only that should help with your in-laws since these kitties won’t kill any birds. Also, it keeps cats so much safer! Where I live, some possible dangers are cars, dogs, coyotes, other cats, and humans.

        If possible, you might want to keep antiques somewhere the cats can’t get to.

        For curtains… yeah, sometimes they’re a target, especially with kittens.

    3. Grandma Mazur*

      You’ve clearly thought this through from multiple angles so I think you’re ready to go for it, but a couple of things occurred to me from your later paragraphs: can you put the antiques in a glass-fronted cabinet or are we talking desk/armoire/free-standing? How possible is it to have those in a room the kittens can’t access until they’re a bit older at least? Realistically, are they cat-scratcher-appealing or just furniture?

      Curtains is a trickier one – we have cheap IKEA ones and again, the kittens went up them (can still see a few claw-holes in the single-layer cotton) but after they’d grown out of kittenhood, they didn’t really show an interest. Is it the thought of all the effort you’ll have put into the curtains that get damaged, or the actual appearance of potentially slightly damaged curtains overall that would upset/bother you?

      Short-haired cats don’t shed that much IMO but YMMV.

      Our kids were 5 and 6 when one of our two 11yo cats died just before Christmas and they handled it better than we parents did! „The joy will outweigh the eventual sorrow right?“ 100% agree!

      >>> c) Dead animals arriving at my door. How to deal with it?

      IME it was the still-alive animals (occasionally mice, but worse, small birds) that were the hardest to deal with. My partner said his childhood cats used to bring in worms when it was raining. We dealt with dead animals by picking them up with a dog-poop bag and slinging them in the bin. Alive animals got taken to the vet to be dealt with humanely (birds) or they escaped again (mice) but that was only possible because the vet was three streets away. The radical option would be indoor-only cats or a cat garden that’s totally fenced in…

      >>> How to deal with my husband’s (otherwise lovely) family making comments/disliking the cats?

      How often do they visit? Will it just be the first time they meet them or ongoing? Can your partner talk to them if the comments get excessive? My personal approach would be to agree the downside of having cats is that they can kill birds and other wildlife, in the hope it takes the wind out of their sails, but I’ve never met a really committed cat-hater so I don’t have much experience here!

      1. Grandma Mazur*

        Oh and totally agree with strawberry lemonade re: lots of cat furniture in the house (even though they will probably just spend hours on the bed in the sunniest room)

    4. Schmitt*

      You might consider an older bonded pair of cats instead of kittens – much less likely to destroy everything.

      Have you considered that cats can be indoor cats? They have a much longer life expectation when indoors, and that solves the dead animal problem. I know people have very strong opinions on this. We adopted a deaf cat, who can never be an outdoor cat due to that anyway ;)

      And yes. It’s awful when they die. But for me, the joy far outweighs the sorrow.

    5. TPS reporter*

      you could consider a catio so they can enjoy the outside, be safe, and get some of that curtain climbing energy out. also try to train them to go on walks on a lead? it seems like many people have succeeded when the cats are really young

    6. Lizzie (with the deaf cat)*

      Cat whisperer Jackson Galaxy has books and YouTube stuff and he will be a good source of everything you need to know.
      Cats like to be up high on things, so if you can facilitate them being able to get on top of furniture safely, they will like that. If you can arrange a table in front of a window, they will like watching things and enjoy sunbeams. Cardboard boxes of any size will be appreciated, and cardboard “scratchers” will get a workout. I have a bristle doormat inside the house which apparently feels great to roll around on.
      If you talk to your cats a lot, and greet them whenever you walk into the room, they will become responsive to your voice and more engaged with you. When you brush and stroke them, and they are relaxed, touch their paws too and gently squeeze them so their claws extend a little bit – if they are used to you touching their paws, they won’t mind you checking their feet and it will make your life easier if they ever need their front claws trimmed a little bit when they are older.
      And don’t get in the habit of carrying a kitten around on your shoulders unless you are willing to carry several kilos of adult cat eventually! I think you are in for a splendid time!

  28. AGD*

    I enjoy recommendations of things that have mysteriously flown under the radar, and I also like hearing the stories about how people found these things. So, do you have a favorite book or movie that seems to be really obscure for no apparent reason? How did you cross paths with it originally, and what made it clear that no one else seemed to notice it, and do you have any other interesting stories about being a fan of it?

    1. RussianInTexas*

      A book by Annemarie Selinko
      Désirée: The Bestselling Story of Napoleon’s First Love.
      Written in the style of a diary, and more historical than romantic. Some fascinating characters that are NOT Napoleon.
      I don’t even remember how I stumbled on it, but it’s been my favorite book for years.

      1. Nitpicker*

        Wasn’t that a bestseller when it first came out? And I think a movie with Marlon Brando.

        1. RussianInTexas*

          Maybe? But it’s been a whole who, and it’s been out of print for long time.

    2. Anonymous Educator*

      One of the best books I’ve ever read seems to be also a book I never hear other people talking about: Last Night at the Telegraph Club by Malinda Lo.

      Excellent TV series I rarely hear people recommend (unfortunately, only one season): City of Ghosts by Elizabeth Ito.

      A movie almost nobody saw, because Crazy Rich Asians was out at the same time, and I guess a lot of people in America at the time thought “We can watch only one movie featuring Asian diaspora actors this month”? Searching with John Cho, Michelle La, and Debra Messing.

      1. AGD*

        I absolutely loved Searching! I’m so happy this came up, as I don’t remember how I even heard of the movie; it reassures me to know that this thread would have given me another chance to discover it. Looking up the others now – thanks!

      2. DifferentExperience*

        Hmm. The Melinda Lo book was all over everything when it first came out, to the point where I almost decided not to read it because it seemed to be the latest fad rather than a book aimed at people who normally read in the genre.

    3. Weekend Warrior*

      I have a cherished copy of Writer’s Choice: A Library of Rediscoveries (1983) “an annotated listing of approximately one thousand books which 400 distinguished writers and a handful of other experts believe to be unjustly neglected, overlooked, or forgotten.” The choices are great but what’s really fascinating is that since the 1980’s, some of the books have been rediscovered in the wider culture – and then maybe “lost” again. Thinking of Paul Scott’s Raj Quartet novels which became the enormously popular television series The Jewel in the Crown in the 1980’s, and again now a bit forgotten. TV and movie adaptations (and re-adaptations) lead to a lot of “rediscoveries”!

    4. Aphrodite*

      Oh, do I and I highly recommend it! BUNION DERBY is a book published by a university press that didn’t get much attention. But I reviewed it and I loved it! It’s a fantastically interesting story about a foot race from the west coast to the east coast in 1928. Charles Kastner, the author, did amazing research and wrote the story with sympathy, respect and love. I have always been sorry this book and his others did not get the notice they deserve.

      https://charleskastner.com/books/bunion-derby/

      1. GoryDetails*

        Putting Bunion Derby on my want-list! (I enjoy a variety of non-fiction deep-dives into topics I wouldn’t have otherwise encountered. And I like unusual book-titles as well!)

    5. ronda*

      wonder falls is what came to mind for me. My sister had the dvd.

      wikipedia tells me 4 episodes were broadcast on fox, and there is the dvd.

      I dont think it is my favorite, but I did enjoy it and still remember it

    6. Mobie's Mom Now*

      She Spies was a TOTAL ripoff of Charlie’s Angels in the late 1990s, I think. Super cheesy, lots of fun, only one other person I’ve talked to seems to have heard of it!

    7. Writerling*

      I don’t know if you’re looking for recent, but I immediately thought of one of my favorite TV shows – ever. It was super popular in Europe (where I watched it as a kid, it aired in ’96) but not so known here. It’s called The Pretender, and yes I have all 4 seasons and the movie on DVD. Iirc the ending was disappointing, not sure if they had another season planned and got canceled and crammed things in a movie to tie up the plot but I remember hoping for better. Still, s1-4 are close to my heart to this day!

      1. The OG Sleepless*

        I remember that show! I had to look it up on IMDB because I couldn’t quite recall it, but I remember watching it a few times. It was really interesting and I don’t remember why I didn’t watch all of it.

        1. Writerling*

          !! So rare to meet someone who’s heard of it, much less watched it! If you can find it I’d definitely recommend a (re)watch. Might even join you…

      2. GeographyMatters*

        Curious where you live – it was a major show on a major network in the US, not obscure here.

        1. Writerling*

          Really? I’ve never met a single person in the US (where I currently live) who knows about it, much less watched it. Where are you all hiding?? :’)

    8. goddessoftransitory*

      A YA novel from the late sixties/early seventies called Amanda. I can’t recall the author off the top of my head, but it’s about a girl who moves in next to the main characters and has all sorts of magical adventures with them: everything from encountering a set of lost paper dolls in the sandbox to riding the horse from the Mobile gas sign. I originally found it at the library, read it to death, and tracked it down later as an adult so I could possess a copy.

      For more adult stuff, a little chapbook of poetry called A Murmuration of Purrs, full of cat poems and prints. My mom owned it, and again, I tracked down my own copy. I have no idea how many copies exist in total but it’s got to be pretty rare.

    9. LNLN*

      I love the movie Gregory’s Girl (1981). It’s about a boy who has a crush on a girl who joins his soccer team. It is sweet and funny and British (always a plus for me).

      1. Clisby*

        That is a lovely movie. It’s directed by the same guy (Bill Forsyth) who directed Local Hero, with Burt Lancaster and Peter Riegert. Both highly recommended.

      2. Roy G. Biv*

        I love these movies, as well. Gregory’s Girl, Local Hero & The Dish.

        There is a lot of low key charm in all three.

      1. Angstrom*

        Movie ‘The Dish”(2000). Lovely gentle comedy about the Australian tracking station for the Apollo moon landing.

  29. International marriage*

    Would love your take on the best way forward in my international relationship. I would love a full-time live-in partner, but I don’t want to go the marriage-visa route.

    I‘m in my 40s and 2 years ago I met a person in what is now a third country to my country (ca 8h quickest route door-to-door, unless you’re afraid of flying, like my partner, then 28h).
    We see each other every two months or less, for 5 days to 6 weeks. We both live in desirable destinations, so it’s enjoyable to visit. Due to vacation day limits, the visited person is usually going to work while being visited.
    We‘re allowed only to spend 90 days within 160 in each other‘s country.
    I speak both languages but my partner doesn’t. I‘m in the highly-skilled bracket and have some disposable income, but I still would have a hard time getting a job there which comes with a work permit. I’d also make less than I do now and I’d have to quickly fly home if my chronic illness flares up to get care.
    My partner has a degree but there‘s rarely a job in my country that requires no local language skills; the sector he works in now is hiring here as well (hospitality), but these workers aren’t treated as well in my country.
    Getting married might work, but I‘m politically opposed to it and also just afraid of getting myself into a legal contract that I can’t get out of, with someone I’ve known only 2 years. It’s also quite complicated & expensive – my country requires interpreters and official translations of documents, my partner‘s a marriage visa and wait period after announcement.
    So the conclusion I’ve come to is we need a lot more money, to be able to take lots of unpaid leave, and uphold two family residences in two countries between which we switch every 90 days.
    I don’t know if one can have a relationship like we have now until retirement.
    Anything I might have missed?
    Thank you for reading this!!

    1. Kaleidoscope*

      usually getting married doesn’t do anything. I’m a Brit in New Zealand and if I got married, it is just another piece of paperwork. it is not a magic wand to get to stay here longer or quicker.

      I moved over having known my partner for less than 2 years. we started living together at 8 months in (visa requirement). if you know, you know and personally. I feel living in two countries a bit bonkers for the reason you suggest. plenty of Brits do it on retirement and spend their lives chasing summers (in the UK and then NZ).

      1. allathian*

        Depends on the location. When my friend met her now ex-husband, he got an assignment in Japan for a few years. She went with him on a tourist visa, but to be allowed to stay for more than 90 days they had to get married. So they married at the embassy and had a recommitment ceremony for friends and family. To be sure, he went to Japan on a work visa and she got a spousal visa.

      2. Two cents*

        Getting married absolutely does something in many countries! In Germany, it is the difference between a permanent residence card with the right to work (or not) and needing to scramble to get some other sort of visa (student, work visa that is Not trivial to get–many companies won’t bother or can’t hire you, something else expensive and time intensive).

        In the USA it makes getting a green card SO MUCH EASIER.

        I can’t speak to any other countries with the same level of personal experience, but in those countries it is literally night and day.

      3. Anon for this*

        I respectfully disagree that marriage doesn’t do anything. It is a legal contract with implications for your finances and property ownership. it may confer obligations to support each other financially. it may affect how your estate is treated when you die. it does all these things in my jurisdiction and probably in yours. in some countries cohabitation confers different (usually fewer) rights and obligations as well.

        I suggest you speak with a family law attorney and possibly an immigration attorney in your country and in any other country in which you and your partner might marry or cohabit.
        (yes, I am a family law attorney)
        that aside, if you want to live like you are doing now until you retire, you can..there aren’t any rules. equally I would not marry anyone unless I was sure the relationship would last and I understood and accepted the legal implications of this. it doesn’t sound like you are all that sold on marriage and that’s ok too. if you add up all the days you’ve spent together they’re probably less than a year. you could always carry on like this a bit longer and see how it plays out.

        also , what does he want to happen/is prepared to make an effort to make happen/thinks he can realistically make happen and by when?

        1. International marriage*

          You’re very right (and you for sure know better than me). I‘m not keen on getting into this kind of contract with someone. I was with my last partner for 14 years, unmarried, so I’m into stable relationships, I’m just not into legal commitments.
          My partner would happily marry, and move here, and learn the language, but I’m afraid I’d be the one project managing all of that :)

    2. Sloanicota*

      Is there an option to meet in a third neutral county also? Like, you go to his, he comes to yours, you both go to Bali (or wherever) and then reset the cycle again, so you can see each other more often? I agree I wouldn’t get married unless I was excited to get married.

      1. International marriage*

        Love the suggestion to go to Bali, that made me chuckle (Partner also agrees). Switzerland would be our version of that, in terms of geography. It’s definitely what I would do if I was a remote worker and had lots of money.

    3. ExpatTryingToBeHelpful*

      – Can you work remotely with your current job (with occasional visits back to the parent site)? This would allow you to keep your current salary.
      – Is there a country that you both can move to, where your partner will be treated well and you both can get working visas, and you can retain a similar income? There are some countries that are looking for immigrants (Japan, Australia), and working visas can be easily obtained depending on the industry.
      – Related to above, have you talked to your partner if and where they’d be willing to move to? Maybe they are willing to move to your country despite how they are treated?

      Is your partner discussing all of this with you? Because any international move needs both parties involved. Personally, I don’t believe 1 person should be making all the sacrifices with such a big decision, it can lead to resentment. I would like to have a back-up plan and exit strategy — in the back of your mind, if the relationship doesn’t work out, how would a move affect your career. Because you don’t want to uproot yourself to find no relationship and no career — it’s a path to “force” the relationship even when it has run the course, which then further feeds into a stale/not-great career.

      1. International marriage*

        There would actually be a country where we would both have legal right to stay. I’ve never been there.
        Question is if we want to uproot both of our lives.
        Thanks for all your suggestions!

    4. allathian*

      Why are you so opposed to marriage? It’s not an unbreakable contract in most places, and the cultures that don’t accept divorce also don’t tend to look favorably on cohabiting relationships.

      In most places, marriages help guarantee the financial security of the person with lower earnings, traditionally women who stayed at home with the kids.

      Would your partner be willing to learn your language so they could work in your country in the field they have a degree in?

      1. Double A*

        I agree with this. A marriage is a pre-created contract to the state that spell out rights and responsibilities you get when you enter it with a person. It also contains the default rules for divorce.

        If you don’t like the defaults, you can look into a prenup. Marriage has historically been a business and property arrangement; you can look at it a such if you want. Or just a tool that could help facilitate your relationship.

        Frankly an international move to be with someone is, in my eyes, a bigger commitment than marriage (and I’m married) because it’s harder to undo logistically. But marriage also means whatever you want it to mean, so I understand how it could be something that’s a hard no for you.

    5. dark purple blues*

      You say your partner doesn’t speak your language: are they making efforts? How involved are they in the process of finding a common place to live? I’d say if they are making minimal effort, then they do not share the goal of living together with you – at best they might want to live with you *where they are*, but you are not the priority.

      1. International marriage*

        Hm. I think both of us have some inertia, or we‘re adverse to risk. Me personally, I was also cautious after a brief spell of online dating, to see how this will turn out or not. And now suddenly I feel very middle aged and in a weird limbo with constraints on what I can go or not.

    6. Pam Adams*

      I’ve had a relationship like this in the US- neither of us wanted to live full time with the other or move across the country to ne nearer to each other. It worked fine for us. If we’d wanted more, there would have been a breakup.

      1. International Marriage*

        Thanks for this perspective.
        I think my partner does want to move; despite having no family or funds to fall back on if it doesn’t work out. I’d have less risk (because a job there would look great on my CV, even though less benefits/salary), but I‘m anxious about the malfunctioning health care system they have. But of the two of us I’d say I have gotten more things from idea to practice in the past so that’s not ideal…

  30. sagewhiz*

    Unpopular opinions! What’s yours?

    Tues’ update on miscarriage bereavement leave sparked a bit of convo on this. It so happens I have a client who is compiling unpopular opinions for a conversation-starter book (his publisher has already given the thumbs up). He’s collected about a third of his goal. Maybe y’all can help out?

    No names will be attached, it will be completely anonymous, so no worries about being outed. If you’re willing, please add yours, I’ll compile the responses to send him, and not ID AAM as the source. I won’t include your screen name, or everyone can simply be Anon4This.

    My unpopular opinion, which he is using: People should have to pass a civics test before being allowed to vote.

    1. Chauncy Gardener*

      My unpopular opinion is that every single person in the US should be required to either serve in the military or the Peace Corps for a year when they turn 18.
      Also, that every US citizen should have to drive across the US and back, using the northern route and the a southern route. I would hope this would get rid of that awful “flyover states” condescending attitude.

      1. DevilInTheDetails*

        1. Well that would make things hard for people who can’t drive (like me)

        2. Who’s going to pay for these trips? They’re not exactly cheap…

        I am on board with a form of the service idea with lots of types of qualifying activities, but not specifically at 18 – whenever you finish schooling (at a minimum not in the middle of a school course). I was a junior in college when I turned 18 and it would have been the single worst time in my life to do this.

        1. BikeWalkBarb*

          I went straight to nondrivers too, along with the enormous use of resources this represents. We’re already lighting the planet on fire. This idea definitely would count as an unpopular opinion.

          Could be a train trip, Greyhound bus, or epic bike trip for those who could undertake that. Having everyone experience what it’s like to be a nondriver would be highly educational so make this “Everyone has to take a long journey without driving” and it would be very popular with me personally.

          1. Chauncy Gardener*

            Great ideas re-trains and buses. To me, as long as folks have to stop and experience the local areas, it’s all good.
            But like sagewhiz said, they’re unpopular opinions

        2. Chauncy Gardener*

          This is terrible. I’m also a female vet. Never raped, but I have PTSD from, among other things, the sexual harassment.

      3. BikeWalkBarb*

        I’ve believed in some kind of national service requirement for a long time. I’d add things like AmeriCorps, Teach for America, working in a public health clinic, etc., and I’d put it after college age, not before–give them some more development of the prefrontal cortex. But they have to be paid enough to really live. When I lived in Seattle and we had AmeriCorps positions at a nonprofit I came to recognize that these are really only an option for fairly privileged young people.

        2. Anon for this*

          And everyone who is physically capable of doing this should also be required to get around on bikes for at least a year. Anyone physically capable of riding who honks at bicyclists and yells at us to get off the road should have their cars taken away for at least 6 months and be required to ride their bikes everywhere they go (or bikes and public transit). Those who aren’t physically capable of this should be required to go through extensive training learning the rules of the road for bicycles and how cars should act around them.

          1. OaDC*

            And, bikes on the road should obey traffic laws. No blowing through stop signs or stop lights because you don’t want to unclip, no riding in a line of twenty nine preventing cars from turning, etc.

      5. Peanut Hamper*

        I’ve said this, but instead of military service, I’ve said either the Peace Corps, or work in retail for a year, or in a restaurant for a year. Especially on Sunday afternoons when the church crowd gets out.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      An unpopular opinion which may or may not be mine: education, testing and licensing should be required before taking responsibility for any living creature, human or animal. (That could probably also be split into pet licensing vs parent licensing.)

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Since it’s never going to happen, does it matter?

          Besides, the question was “what are some unpopular opinions,” not a demand that people be subsequently able to explain, justify or defend them.

    3. Arial*

      Going anonymous for this but: parents are too lenient with their kids and let them get away with too much bad behaviour, which could be corrected without it being abusive.

      1. SoloKid*

        Agreed; my unpopular opinion is that “the village” should be allowed to show displeasure with other people’s kids through actually talking to them. Not this “don’t talk to them, talk to me, the parent” business.

      2. tangerineRose*

        Maybe some training should be added in high school. I worked in a daycare center around that age and learned about giving time outs for certain behaviors and also a lot about stuff that really didn’t matter so much.

      3. JPalmer*

        I don’t think this is unpopular at all.

        I think many parents and pet owners never learn how to actually correct behavior. So many people end up being toxic/hostile or entirely conflict avoidant, which boils into other problems.

        My opinion for this thread is that many people are not good at communicating (across many different ways), but the most common being they don’t put enough time into communicating which creates all sorts of problems. We want everything immediately and instantly when in actuality stuff takes time and repetition.

    4. BellaStella*

      Here are a few of mine:
      1. Bon Jovi is the best band ever.
      2. USA needs to get rid of the electoral college.
      3. Transparency in pay, always.
      4. Civics and world geography should be part of USA schools and also a year of service abroad should be mandatory for all to teach about the world and break down barriers and we host folks in USA too for exchanges. And if you are a jerk about it you get to go to a place where you will learn not to be like that and gain compassion.
      5. High heels should be banned.
      6. Narcissists should be sent to deserted islands, alone. Not enough islands, I know, but still.

      1. tangerineRose*

        1. I thought the fact that I find Bon Jovi’s lyrics incredibly repetitive (which frustrates me) would be an unpopular opinion. (The music’s pretty good other than sometimes it’s repetitive too.)
        6. Why not send a bunch of narcissists to the same island – they’ll have to deal with each other, but who cares?

      2. MissCoco*

        I have to say getting rid of the electoral college may border on a popular opinion (at least in the crowds I run in)

        1. Clisby*

          It’s up to the states to decide how their electoral votes are apportioned – so you could start at your state level. For example, two states (Maine and Nebraska) don’t use overall popular vote, but they do allocate electors based on the popular vote in each congressional district.

      4. WoodswomanWrites*

        Unpopular? That’s all popular with me except for #1, the band. :)

        Of course the Beatles are amazing but that’s hardly unpopular, so I have to go with the obscure band I love love love, We Banjo 3. I discovered them on YouTube when they’d been playing together for 10 years, found they were coming to my town, saw them live in one of best shows of my life, and then they said it was their last show because they were all pursuing individual careers. Boo!

    5. Falling Diphthong*

      I’ve gotta join Stella on getting rid of the electoral college. Everyone’s vote should matter.

      2. Busy Middle Manager*

        The issue is that many people don’t know what they are voting for. Not going to say what percent of people do that, but I literally have heard multiple in my life tell other people to vote along party line

        The scary part for me is not only that, but some of the local judge/town clerk type roles with have had > 1 person per party listed. So I guess they just pick whoever has the nicer name? Which makes me think, should all votes be equal weight if they don’t even know who they are voting for?

        1. tangerineRose*

          What gets me sometimes is how people say “Remember to vote” and so on to everyone. Maybe the message should be “Educate yourself enough to know what you’re voting for.”

    7. HannahS*

      People shouldn’t have to pay for basic shelter or enough food to live, and public transit should be free. These things should be organized by the state and paid for by taxpayers. Yes, even for people who [do bad things/use bad drugs/make bad choices.] No, that is not communism.

      1. HannahS*

        And healthcare including dental and pharmacy. Even in a socialized system I am sick of prescribing things for my patients that they cannot afford.

        1. Anon for this*

          I would also like to add that dental and vision care should just be considered health care and bundled together with other health care. Insurance companies shouldn’t be allowed not to cover it.

    8. RussianInTexas*

      Cooking and gardening are severely overrated.
      I like living in my suburbia and I like driving to places.
      Children are generally annoying, especially the toddler stage, and there are places they should not be present.

    9. Sloanicota*

      My extremely controversial take within my world of cat-fostering: you do not need to send two kittens home together!! It depends on the household. People in my cadre are obsessed with this and go through all sorts of loops to make it happen. Many, many adult cats prefer to be solitary so even though the kittens will roughhouse for six months, it doesn’t end up a lifelong necessity. (Ducks)

      1. Generic Name*

        The rescue I got my 2 cats from wouldn’t let me adopt 2 at once! I had to go back a week later and get a second kitten. Fortunately they (mostly) get along.

    10. WellRed*

      Romantic relationships that start/stay online or long distance aren’t really romantic relationships.

      1. RussianInTexas*

        I didn’t think that either, but I know at least three couples that started with talking on the same, online comment board, and one been married for 3 years now, with relocations of states, another been together without being married for almost 5, and the third got engaged few months ago.
        Might be that comment board is particularly fruitful.

      2. Rosyglasses*

        Interesting! My husband of 15 years and I met online – but like you said – it is an unpopular opinion! :)

        1. WellRed*

          Meeting online is one thing. Keeping the relationship online with limited or no in person is another thing. ; )

          1. Lexi Vipond*

            I read your slash as ‘or’ – if it was intended as ‘and’ then that does make more sense to me.

      3. Lana Kane*

        I’ve been married to my husband for 21 years and we met online. I like to say that we met online back when it was weird.

    11. Sitting Pretty*

      Sharing how much you earn should be common and unremarkable even in casual conversation.

    12. Porch Screens*

      People worry way too much about the personal views of internet personalities, celebrities, and other folks who produce content for entertainment.

      Most of the surrender-shaming I see done on social media by animal shelters and animal rescue groups (and their audiences) is uncalled for and, I suspect, counter-productive.

    14. Kathenus*

      Term limits for Supreme Court justices, and abolishing the electoral college which has already been mentioned. Congressional districts drawn in specific, consistent grids to eliminate insanely drawn gerrymandered ones.

    15. BikeWalkBarb*

      NOT my unpopular opinion–a former husband’s–somewhat similar to yours: Everyone should have contraceptives implanted at an early-teen age that can only be removed after you pass tests on parenting skills. I think he also had a minimum age for taking the test, set to get you through college or some other training so you’d have some chance of being able to afford a family.

      Of course, we now have states where they’re trying to limit access to contraception as the next step in the grand plan so this should be a pretty sparky conversation starter.

      2. Andromeda*

        Ack, I am not gonna do the whole “demand you explain yourself!!!!” thing with everyone who I disagree with, since it isn’t even your opinion, but this one alarmed me so much that I did feel the need to comment! “We will force you to be infertile unless you can pass this test the government creates” is *super* eugenics-y even if the test is scrupulously fair, and has so much Very Alarming room for exploitation and built-in unfairness. Just financially supporting new parents through at least the first year of a kid’s infancy, and offering free parenting classes (maybe with a non-strictly-cash incentive like some free childcare) could help to fix the same issues.

      3. HBJ*

        I also don’t want to be all “explain yourself” for an unpopular opinion, but this is literally impossible with our current medical technology even if we wanted to. The only type of birth control for men close to what you’re describing is a vasectomy. Vasectomies are not always reversible, and the likelihood of it being reversible decreases the longer time you’ve had it, and you’re talking about people having it for 15+ years (assuming it’s done at 13 or 14 and they don’t have kids until the American male average of 31).

        And for women, “implanted” forms of birth control can have a host of side effects. So you’re talking about forcing someone to have something that might make them very ill.

        1. allathian*

          Yes, this would only work if contraception for men and women were equally non-invasive and without side effects.

          But I could get behind the idea in an ideal world, but not in the one we currently live in.

          Support for new parents is key, though.

    16. NeonFireworks*

      Poverty is a horrendously awful experience, more than bad enough to be its own deterrent, so a society is only fair if it has none at all.

    17. anon for this*

      I have the right not to be exposed to any secondhand smoke. I do not want to shame smokers or treat addiction like an individual failing, but I have asthma and need to be able to breathe! I get that things are better than they were decades ago, especially for indoor spaces – but dodging tobacco clouds and changing my path and running to get in front of smokers/vapers almost every day is exhausting! I keep fantasizing about confining public smoking areas to, like, rooftop patios and enclosed courtyards.

      1. Anon, very anon*

        I’m a smoker and I would love this. I live in a city without my own outdoor space, and when I’m smoking I’m careful to avoid others as much as possible, but it’s tricky. A dedicated rooftop/courtyard where I know I’m not bothering anyone? Sign me up.

      2. ronda*

        My sister smokes, so when we went to the them parks, she would find the smoking areas.

        One time someone came to her and was upset that such a nice area was for smokers :)

      3. tangerineRose*

        “I have the right not to be exposed to any secondhand smoke.” Yes!!! I hate secondhand smoke. I’ve never smoked, I know it’s addictive, so I don’t want to be mean to smokers, but I do NOT want to breathe it. This includes cigarettes and marijuana.

      4. tangerineRose*

        Agreed. I hate secondhand smoke. I get that smoking is addictive, but why do smokers sometimes not understand that I don’t want stuff like that in my system, even a little bit?

    18. anon in uk*

      Any belief system can turn into fundamentalism. The most cultlike experience of my life was actually a progressive social-justice group that devolved over time into a parody of itself. It slowly detached from empathy, and then it slowly detached from an understanding of inequitable systems as well. By that point, people were skipping the deconstruction-of-belief stage entirely and were jumping straight to “your argument has made me angry therefore you are wrong and need to stop talking because you are harming people” and “THIS PERSON IS UNSAFE FOR EVERYBODY ELSE.” (I quit the group and it took several months before my brain shook it all off.)

      1. It's a Secret*

        Ugh, this mentality is frustrating and seems widespread. There’s this belief that if you feel bad after an encounter with someone, the other person did something wrong. But human interactions are complex – people shouldn’t expect to always feel good, calm, supported after every interaction.

      2. Falling Diphthong*

        I’ll add “Attacking the people who agree with you about 95% of things because you only care about their terrible 5% apostasy is counter productive and just shrinks your side.”

    19. BikeWalkBarb*

      We should have federal regulations stating that vehicles can’t be manufactured to go faster than the actual posted speed limits. All existing vehicles on the road would have speed limiters installed.

      Optional lower-level starting point: Third occurrence of speeding ticket triggers mandatory installation of a speed limiter on your vehicle.

      You shouldn’t be able to purchase a giant personal vehicle without passing a specific driver’s license exam (similar to a motorcycle endorsement) designed to test your ability to operate the vehicle, understand the limited sightlines, and so on.

      Mandatory retesting for all drivers should begin at age 65, with the time between retests reducing as you age.

      (Can you tell I work in transportation safety?)

      1. tangerineRose*

        I’d rather take a driving test then to have to take a written test. They usually have trick questions or the kind of questions most people would never know in a written test.

    20. FACS*

      There should be required classes in basic human anatomy and physiology in K-12 !nd college. Many folks have no idea how the body works.

      2. goddessoftransitory*

        THIS.

        I remember taking a test in high school so I could skip taking a basic health class (think a GED, but only for this one class.)

        This thing had questions like “what organ pumps blood?” Keep in mind this wasn’t a test for little kids or ESL students or similar would-be stumbling blocks. It astounded me someone could reach their senior year in high school and not know what the heart does.

    21. WellRed*

      One more: the Olympics are overhyped, overdone and wasteful. Time to pull the plug. Or extinguish the torch.

      3. ThisOpinionCausedBostonToBowOut*

        They improve the infrastructure of the area hosting them, provide inspiration to many, allow individuals that excel at something that isn’t one of the 2-3 most popular sports in their area to continue doing something they love, they offer a nice way to learn about the world that folks who won’t pay attention in school with pay attention to, and provide discipline and other life skills to a myriad of folks who never make it to the Olympics but are inspired to try a sport because they saw it on TV the one time it’s ever shown.

        I was so angry when Boston decided to withdraw from hosting the 2024 Olympics for reasons similar to what you outline (which clearly are not as unpopular as you think, but that I think are misguided). We could have used the infrastructure improvements, tourist dollars, and many other benefits that come from hosting.

    22. Narwhals are real*

      Mine: people in rented accommodation shouldn’t have pets, unless they’re in a country with really excellent renters’ rights. I’ve seen far too many people have to give up their pets because their rental situation changed and now they can’t find a rental that allows pets.

      I don’t think it’s ok that the world is like this in many places, and I think renters’ rights should be like they are in a lot of European countries.

      1. Narwhals are real*

        Oh, and I suppose I also believe that everyone’s right to a home trumps personal property rights; not that I think there shouldn’t be landlords, but I do think renters should have rights that essentially make it possible for people to live comfortably and securely their entire lives in rented accommodation if they so choose, like in a lot of European countries.

        1. Irish Teacher.*

          There’s talk of having a referendum on putting the right to a home into the Irish constitution, but a) who knows when they will get around to this (it’s been discussed for over ten years, I think) and b) I don’t know whether it would actually have any impact beyond putting a line in the constitution about how people have a right to a home (yeah, I’m cynical).

        2. dark purple blues*

          I don’t disagree with you, I’m just curious how it would work. I guess I’m considering being a landlord for 6 years. (I like my home, I’ve been out of work for a year, and the only job I’ve found is in a different city, so I’m considering renting my place out until I can move back). I’m wondering how the logistics of that would work, if someone had the right to live in my place forever? (I mean, I’d just sell my place, of course)

          1. Narwhals are real*

            I’m not really sure of the logistics to be honest, except that essentially once you rent to someone in certain countries they have strong rights to the property because the thinking is that it’s their home, and because it’s their home they have a right to live without fear of being evicted, or without other restrictions typical in rented accommodation in many countries. So in most ways it’s essentially treated as if it’s their home, and there is very little interaction with the landlord. If it’s sold, it’s sold as a property with renters in it (ie the buyer would buy it as an investment, not to live in), there are rent controls, you can basically only evict in extreme cases, like longterm non-payment of rent or extreme anti-social behaviour. I believe the flip side is that the tenant mostly takes care of things like home repairs or the like themselves. It works because of expectations on both sides – a long-term tenant is never going to make the landlord rich but it’s a handy, steady source of money with less effort than what’s typical of landlords in mostly English-speaking countries.

            (This is from second-hand experience with people I know living in or owning apartments in one particular Western European country. I don’t know if it’s different with houses. If anyone else wanted to weigh in I’d be interested!)

            2. allathian*

              Generally non-payment of rent is a reason to call in the bailiffs/cops and evict the tenant and confiscate their property by force if necessary. But that’s an extreme case following years of non-payment.

              I’m in Finland where tenants’ rights are generally strong in the sense that a rented home is the renter’s home, and not even the landlord can come and demand to be let in without notice. If they enter with their own key without the tenant’s explicit permission, they can be accused of breaching the privacy of the home, a key principle in our legal system. You can get up to six months in jail for that.

              But if a tenant breaks the rules by not paying rent for a significant period of time, or by engaging in illegal activities in their home, such as running a brothel or growing cannabis, or by doing malicious damage to the property, they can certainly be evicted. Cannabis remains a controlled substance, sex work is legal but profiting from another’s sex work isn’t. Most leases also prohibit subletting the apartment for short-term leases. So you can sublet a room to a roommate, but you can’t use the apartment for Airbnb.

              When a landlord sells the dwelling they let to someone else, the new owner generally has to give at least six months notice to the tenant if they want to move in or change the terms of the lease.

      2. WellRed*

        I live in a HCOL area with a severe housing shortage. The number of renters I see looking for places that will take their pets, oy. I’m a renter with no pets.

      3. anon24*

        So you’re saying that I shouldn’t have my cat, who is my emotional support and the reason I haven’t committed suicide yet, simply because I’m not privileged enough to buy a house when houses in my area are all 200-300k starting and I’ve never made more than 36k myself in a year? I think more places should have to accept pets, but instead I just start looking for a new rental very early and accepting pets is the very first thing I look for.

      4. Anon for this*

        I would go the other direction: all rentals should be required to allow pets, or at least cats, dogs, and fish.

        (I can think of reasons this wouldn’t work for people with allergies and such, but since it’s an unpopular opinion rather than a policy I’m actually trying to enact I think I’ll leave it at that.)

        1. Narwhals are real*

          I agree. I think people should more or less have the same rights in a rental as they’d have when they own their homes.

        2. Andromeda*

          Yes — pets should be legally allowed in rental homes even if they are not currently pet-proof if a) renters cover the costs of pet-proofing the property* and b) larger pets, like dogs and cats, pass a test like the Canine Good Citizen test to confirm that they’re well trained. Also depending on the animal there should probably be minimum space requirements.

          If you (fairly) have to cover damage caused to the property when you leave it, including cleaning etc anyway, you shouldn’t have to pay extra on rent for a well-behaved animal companion.

          *and this should be tied to specific measures taken within the home — like covering wires, sealing off dangerous small spaces — rather than “you have a hamster, we want 300 more on your rent every month”

    24. They Don’t Make Sunday*

      Much of the time, single-use items are not necessarily more convenient. We have been trained by corporations that it’s easier to buy the same things over and over again and throw them away. When you factor in the time spent replenishing and disposing, disposables often waste more time as well as money. It’s all about process and habit. It’s possible to set up processes and habits that make reusables the convenient choice. (I’m excluding in this comment disposables necessary for disability accommodation or basic quality of life and access for people who must have disposables. I am glad we have disposables for people who rely on them.)

      Subtopic: single-use medical waste! I am not in the medical field and don’t have firsthand knowledge here, but I know many of you do.

      Subtopic:

      1. ExceptionsAreGreatBut...*

        The problem with excepting disabilities is:

        1) it makes it more obvious who has a disability

        2) it makes it more expensive for those who need it, and there are already too many disability taxes

        3) it forces people to justify why they need them

        4) it makes it difficult or impossible to use standard work kitchens unless they decide to accommodate folks who need disposables, which none have in my experience (instead I become the evil person who doesn’t wash dishes or put them in a dishwasher or do X that everyone else does but I can’t, or in extreme cases find I can’t eat while in the office)

        I am all for folks who are able and willing to remove disposables from their lives,

    26. The Prettiest Curse*

      – Simply being an introvert is not, in itself, a sign of innate moral superiority. (I say this as an introvert.)
      – Sometimes it’s useful to try stuff that’s outside your comfort zone, if only to confirm that you’re not good at it.
      – Olivia Rodrigo is vastly superior to Taylor Swift.
      – LinkedIn can sometimes be quite useful.
      – It’s fine and even useful to spend most of your twenties and thirties flailing around and wondering what on earth you’re going to do, career-wise. Not everyone is born knowing what they want to do!

    27. .*

      There are plenty of assholes to go around on both sides of the Israeli–Palestinian conflict.

    28. Definitely anonymous for this*

      These are options I rarely share because they would generate so much push back:

      Child free weddings are rude.

      Women shouldn’t change their last name when they marry; both people changing their name is okay.

      High school should be reworked so everything essential is covered by the end of 10th grade. After that students should have an option to either graduate and be able to work or have two tracks to continue high school: vocational training or continuing the academic track similar to how it is now.

      Cats shouldn’t be allowed to roam outdoors.

      1. Joey*

        Fun fact: the test to get a GED (high school equivalency diploma) only covers material through the 10th grade so a student could in fact take the test after 10th grade & presumably pass and move on to other things.

        1. Clisby*

          At least in SC, to take it before age 19 requires some special paperwork through the school system.

      2. allathian*

        I disagree with child free weddings being rude, but only because people should be allowed to host exactly the kind of wedding they want. But if you host a child free wedding, you don’t get to be mad if half your guest list declines the invitation. The same thing goes for destination weddings.

        Kids should be kept in school until they’ve learned at least the middle school curriculum, even if this means they’re 30 when they graduate. Obviously you can’t have older students with the kids because that could be physically dangerous to the younger ones. So pass the kid up the grades and put those who don’t pass the grades in remedial school for adults when they turn 18.

        An invitation is a polite request, not an order. You have the right to decline for any reason, including just not wanting to go. But the polite thing is to RSVP your no rather than say yes and simply not turning up.

        1. carcinization*

          You know that some people will never have the capacity to comprehend middle school curriculum no matter how old they are, right? Severe cognitive disabilities exist and while learning is possible regardless, getting to that level is unfortunately not realistic for the most disabled students.

    29. anon for this*

      Second (and subsequent) residences should be taxed up the wazoo.

      Corporations should not be allowed to own individual homes (i.e. can own a rental apartment building, but not go and buy every second house or condo in a town)

      Empty nesters should be encouraged to downsize from their massive houses

      Universities need to stop competing on dumb ranking systems, especially around essential programs like medicine and nursing. Just graduate some flipping health care workers!

      STOP SUBSIDIZING OIL AND GAS

    30. Texan In Exile*

      If it’s only 66 degrees, you shouldn’t be running your (extremely loud while I am trying to sleep with my windows open) air conditioner.

      1. NotJustUnpopular*

        The need for A/C is tied to inside conditions not external temperature. I’ve lived in (cold weather) places where I had to run A/C year round if I didn’t want to get sick. I get to control that. You get to control where you choose to live, whether you open your windows, wear noise cancelling headphones, or otherwise decide things about how you interact with your environment

    31. The Prettiest Curse*

      Oh, and, as a person with an unusual first name:
      Giving your kid an unusual first name may well annoy the snot out of them later in life. Naming a child is not a unique branding opportunity for the parents.

      2. goddessoftransitory*

        Lord, yes. This goes double for inflicting cutesy or annoying spelling variations (I don’t mean non English names, just stuff like HeavenLee and such)

        1. WellRed*

          I’d like to never see another Nevaeh. It wasn’t clever then and it’s nit original now!

      3. Esprit de l'escalier*

        This is making me chuckle, because I just discovered (via yesterday’s nytimes crossword puzzle) the three St. Brown brothers who all have extremely unusual names that their father bestowed upon them. His name is John Brown, which might have influenced his desire for his sons’ names to be wildly unusual.

        He also had “St.” added as part of their last names, which were all just “Brown” on their original birth certificates until he decided to fancy it up for them. He intended for them to become professional football players (2 of them did) and he thought “St. Brown” on their jerseys would make them stand out more, according to what I read.

      4. Falling Diphthong*

        I’m going to bat right down the middle on this one: So long as you avoid the extremes of giving your child a license plate number at one end, or everyone the same name at the other end*, no one needs to expend any effort worrying about other people’s names. You’re just as likely to wind up with “Adult likes their unusual name, but Concerned Parties want them to change it to something that doesn’t stand out” as you are “Adult likes their classic name, but Concerned Parties want them to change it to something more unique.”

        *This was a thing in Medieval times, and it gets hard to follow when everyone is named Elinor.

        1. allathian*

          True. And adults who genuinely hate their names can change them in most jurisdicitions. In my area, kids are allowed to choose a nickname to use at school for everything except their school report and any medical records. I don’t know what the age limit is, but it’s fairly low. There have been cases where trans kids have been out at school but not to their parents, so the kids can change their name at school without parental consent. In those cases, the parents only see the legal name, but the kid is still addressed by the name they want to use.

          I don’t agree with all of our legal requirements for names, but I do enjoy the fact that here the name that the Muskrat’s poor kid has been saddled with would never fly. We have some fairly recent neo-names that are intentionally gender-neutral and have been given to approximately equal numbers of (assumed) boys an girls. But you can’t give an established boy’s name to an AFAB baby or vice versa, unless the child has family connections to a culture where the name is either gender-neutral or assigned to the other gender. For example, Kari is a man’s name in Finland but a woman’s name in Norway. The only way an AFAB baby could be given that name here would be for one or both of the parents to have a close relationship to Norway.

          Brand names are also disallowed, so you couldn’t call a kid Apple or ESPN here. You also can’t give a baby a name that can be expected to cause moral outrage in a significant percentage of the population or to embarrass the child, so names like Satan and God would not work, at least not the Finnish or Swedish versions of them. Theo is fine, though! It’s also not allowed to give the same first name to siblings, although having the same middle name(s) is common. In merged families this does happen sometimes, but in those cases the kids generally have different family names.

    32. It's a Secret*

      Therapy isn’t as valuable a tool as people think it is.

      When it works, it can be great! But people take that to mean it can solve every problem for everyone, and it just can’t (and I’m talking about people invested in changing and sincerely trying).

    33. It's a Secret*

      In an effort to make things better for girls (a good thing!), we have made things really hard for boys. No one wants to talk about ways to help boys now because that was done at the expense of girls in the past. But they’re just kids – the needs of both don’t have to be at odds.

      1. tangerineRose*

        I’m asking out of curiosity, what specifically has made things harder for boys?

        1. Rosyglasses*

          As mom of a young man, he has struggled mightily with self esteem and feeling like it’s okay to be a boy; understanding how to navigate the world as himself — because the messaging he has internalized via school and others is that men are exploitative, patriarchal, manipulative, etc etc.

        2. Anon for this*

          Just like girls have been stereotyped to be bad at STEM, boys have been stereotyped to be bad at humanities. A lot of boys who have problems reading, for example, are just brushed off as boys will be boys and of course they don’t like to read, when it’s actually something they should be helped with because being able to read well later is so essential. Also, boys often get in trouble for being too active or loud when that’s just developmentally normal for them. (Honestly, my belief is that this is just developmentally normal for young kids but girls are more likely to have it socialized out of them at younger ages.) This affects both genders, but often boys get in trouble more for acting out when it’s just them being age-appropriate.

          Just a couple of examples, but things that we could do for young boys that would make things much better for them later, and honestly if done right would help girls out too!

          1. Clisby*

            I don’t think we need to do anything special for boys or girls. Just treat them like young people. I’m the parent of a daughter and a son – I remember hearing people say things like, “Oh, hope for a boy – girls are so hard to raise,” and the converse, “Oh, boys are so hard – hope you get a girl.”

            I cannot remember a single thing I had to do differently with them because one was a girl and one was a boy. They were different people, but the differences had nothing to do with gender.

          2. Ali + Nino*

            I so agree with you that we have focused so much on the emotions/talking part of relationships and interactions for young kids (both very important!) that we have forgotten that young boys are Apt to get physical, not even in a negative way always – think lion cubs play-fighting. if we try to pretend it away we make boys feel guilty for their normal instincts (and set parents and educators up for failure). just my two cents.

    34. It's a Secret*

      Most people drive cars that are way too big.

      People complain about gas prices while driving these enormous beasts. Or they get the electric version with a huge battery that makes the vehicle ridiculously heavy and far more destructive in an accident.

    35. Irish Teacher.*

      Everybody deserves enough income to live on. Yes, even the long term unemployed. Unemployment should, in my opinion, be enough to cover rent, food and bills. Minimum wage then should be high enough to cover a certain amount of “luxuries,” such as TV, nights out, a holiday, etc.

      Regardless of how easy (or otherwise) it is to obtain a legal abortion, society needs to continue working to ensure nobody feels they have no choice but to abort (or place for adoption) a wanted child, due to lack of funds or support. Society still needs to work to ensure there are adequate supports for disabled children, for families on low incomes and to ensure that young girls who become pregnant can continue with their education.

      Criticising one party in a conflict or one political party does not necessarily imply support for another. If I criticise the current Fianna Fáil/Fine Gael coalition, that does not mean I support Sinn Féin (I’m actually primarily a Green voter, but I’ll criticise them too). If I express horror at some of the British policies in Northern Ireland, especially between the 60s and the 90s, it does not mean I support the IRA.

      No country should have a veto in the UN. I do think it would make sense to require say 2/3rds majorities for certain votes, but allowing any one country to single-handedly decide a policy makes no sense.

    36. StudentA*

      It is shameful that the law in America doesn’t ban lobbying orgs. By definition, politicians accepting money from lobbying groups is bribery.

    37. Anon this minute*

      We should have students go back to using pens/pencils and paper to write essays in school, and much of the scaffolding of writing a paper should be completed in class, by hand. If I could figure out a way to get a bunch of typewriters to the students, I would. Handwritten essay tests should be the norm.

      There is way WAY too much cheating these days, and ChatGPT and the autocomplete functions in word processing programs essentially mean that students aren’t learning how to write complex sentences on their own.

      Also, we should have students to a LOT more reading throughout their school lives and have students listen to a lot more material read aloud — they need more story time and more reading fiction time baked into every day.

      1. Anon this minute*

        Also, we should go back to teaching students grammar explicitly and in depth, with lots of practice in schools. Learning grammar requires some of the same brain work that learning math/logic and learning a non-native-to-you language require.

        1. dark purple blues*

          wholly 2nd this! I’m taking a language class, and this week found that most of my fellow students (all of whom have grad degrees of one sort or another) didn’t know: direct vs indirect object, definite vs indefinite articles and articles vs prepositions (the last courtesy of the woman who just graduated with a master’s in creative writing. Yes, she’s a native english speaker)

          1. Andromeda*

            On grammar I’m split. I am a huge grammar nerd for myself (and for ESL pals who have given me permission to give feedback on their English), but I don’t really see the point in teaching the finest finer points to most people. In terms of engaging the “logic brain”, I’d much rather have everyone take a critical thinking/intro to philosophy/media literacy class. (I actually think your point about the person with a creative writing degree kind of proves this: in-depth knowledge of English grammar evidently isn’t a necessary condition for someone to be a compelling communicator.)

            However, it’s easier to understand grammar in *other* languages if you understand the same grammatical principles in your own.

            On handwriting: in the UK we do this! At least we definitely did pre-pandemic, and my uni exams would have also been handwritten if they didn’t happen in 2020. I think once you get to undergrad or even the last years of secondary/high school a lot of the stuff you’re doing is too complex to handwrite though, since you’re also learning to cite properly by that point.

            On cheating via ChatGPT though: my unpopular opinion is that there is a fair bit of unwarranted panic about this. It is quite easy to spot when writing is AI-generated, and you can also reverse-engineer an AI-generated answer. It’s no more nefarious than Googling the answer on the DL and copy pasting from Wikipedia.

    38. Chaordic One*

      I think that the IRS already has enough information about how much most of us earn in our jobs and from interest and our investments and that they should be able to prepare our tax returns for us. It would probably cut down on the number of mistakes that we make when we file our own tax returns. I keep hearing that the reason this hasn’t happened is because of lobbying and political campaign contributions from big businesses (the tax preparation-industrial complex?, tax preparation companies, accountants, tax compliance software companies) whose businesses would be affected if we let the gov’mint do this for us.

      2. tangerineRose*

        Yes! I am so sick of not understanding my taxes and having to go to a tax preparer or do the online thing and then having to google to figure out what’s being asked.

      3. Washi*

        AND the government has all the info it needs to distribute welfare benefits. Other than disability where medical records need to be reviewed, why are people jumping through hoops to do interviews and gather paperwork in different ways in every state? Our government would actually be so much smaller if they did our taxes for us and distributed benefits accordingly.

      4. The OG Sleepless*

        Totally! A week after I filed my taxes (I had to pay), I got a small refund. If the IRS knows so much about how much tax I owe that they can correct an error within a week, why can’t they just bill me for it? It should work like property tax, where they send a bill and I can dispute it if I want to.

      5. Busy Middle Manager*

        The weirder part to me is that I can’t find a tax preparer that can treat W2s or 1099s as uploads. This sort of thing got automated away years ago in my corporate jobs, yet when I did my taxes last year, I entered SO MUCH manually, including 300+ stock transactions. It took maybe 30 hours to do and check it all

        1. Uploading*

          Weird. I’ve been uploading for at least two decades. Can’t remember exactly when I started, but it may have been in the 90s. I was definitely doing it by the early oughts.

    39. Soooo anon*

      Society should not accept the level of envy/anger/resentment that infertile people direct towards pregnant people or people with kids. There’s no other situation where you can hate someone for having what you want – single people are expected to be happy at weddings, jobless people are expected to be happy about friends promotions etc. I say this as someone who has struggled with infertility and seen all the discussion boards full of vitriol.

      3. Anongyn*

        having been immolated here after asking a travel question, I know not to post again with a streamlined question. I understand your concern. when there’s a presumption of facts not in evidence it does not go well.

    40. Tangerina Warbleworth*

      College/university should be free, with INCREDIBLY high admission standards that rely upon life experience, not GPA, test scores, and that Mums and Daddums can shell out $70K a year.

      The idea that “everyone should be able to go to college” is as outdated and harmful as Don’t Ask/Don’t Tell. Both started as good initiatives, the idea being to level the playing field against institutionalized racism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia, and the cycles of poverty they live in. Great, but it’s time to level up. Higher education should be reserved for young adults who understand what a dollar is worth. Higher education should be exclusive to young adults who at least try to act like adults, as opposed to overprivileged teenagers for whom college if their personal Frat Boy Movie.

      1. Andromeda*

        Yes, as long as:

        a) the “life experience” requirement doesn’t become something else that filters in the rich like it kind of is in the UK (through eg music lessons, Duke of Edinburgh Award, some volunteering initiatives)
        b) academics still do also matter in the admissions process

        But I would say that, as a sheltered nerd who wanted to go to uni specifically to be an academic (and was grimly aware how easy it is for a privileged or pushy family to tutor multiple students into perfect test scores)

      2. CUNY*

        They used to do this in NYC – both of my parents benefited. They changed it in the 70s because having standards was too elitist, so the standards for getting in were significantly lower but you had to pay to attend. It really devalued the degrees of those who met the old standards as folks evaluating their degrees later judged them by the new standards.

    41. goddessoftransitory*

      Hmmm….

      Off the top of my head: All students enrolled in schools public or private must take civics, history, shop and Home Economics starting in seventh grade through twelfth. The studies/projects can carry over from year to year and culminate in one big final project/demonstration, or not. Same for PE and an art class of some kind.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        On another note:

        I like pigeons and gulls. I hate it when people call them “rats with wings.”

    42. Anon for this*

      I tend towards the liberal side, so here are some unpopular opinions for the liberals I’ve heard from. Obviously the crowd involved may vary.

      In regards to racism/sexism/other isms: It’s not bad for men (and boys) to feel pants feelings for any (or even all) women they meet. The bad part is when they have the power to act on that and treat the women (and girls) that they see however they want to and the women and girls have no recourse if they don’t want the attention, and no way to be treated as not a sex object. It’s not a bad thing when white people have Feelings about racism, even when those feelings create a lot of smoke but no light. It’s a bad thing when their feelings are considered more important than the consequences to the people of color around them. And so on. In other words, it’s not wrong for people who have more power to have a normal human reaction (physical attraction, bad feelings about learning they’ve been doing something wrong, etc.). It’s only wrong when their power means that their actions and reactions are considered more important than the lives of and consequences on the people with less power.

      People who are struggling to overcome isms they were raised with SHOULD get a cookie when they start getting it right. Or a pat on the back. Or whatever. And help from others figuring it out. Expecting someone to change by telling them they need to educate themselves all on their own and yelling at them when they get it even a tiny bit wrong is not a way to make people learn. Humans (and other animals) learn by getting positive feedback from doing it right and neutral or no feedback from doing it wrong.

      Christian communities get the idea of forgiveness and moving on right for healthy relationships. Non-religious liberal-leaning communities (NRLLCs) get the idea for abusive relationships right. Christians should learn that it’s not okay to push people to forgive their abusers or ignore the wrongdoing. Likewise, NRLLCs should learn that in healthy relationships forgiveness is a good thing and moving on and letting go (often but not always after talking about it) is a good and healthy thing to do.

    43. Peanut Hamper*

      After a certain age (75? 80?) you shouldn’t be allowed to vote because you aren’t going to have to live with the consequences of what you voted for, whereas young people (thanks to the structure of how laws are made and enforced) will probably have to live with them for decades.

      A friend of mine and I tossed this one back and forth for years. I’m not sure which side of the fence I’m on, but the underlying principle makes some sense to me.

      I think it makes more sense to just place age limits on elected offices. You hit 65 and it’s time for you to retire.

    45. fhqwhgads*

      All US states need their driving license tests/requirements to be about 10x more difficult. The written and the road tests.

      Also, The Breakfast Club isn’t a good movie.

    46. Shannon*

      Gonna briefly change my name on this on because wow, people really seem to hate it:

      No one should drink alcohol.

      It has an enormous cost to society in terms of morbidity and mortality. All deaths from drunk driving, many cases of violence–whether fighting or domestic violence–are linked with alcohol, many sexual assaults are perpetrated by people who are drunk, all cases of fetal alcohol spectrum disorder…the cost to society is huge, and gets swept under the rug because, why? It’s fun? Because you as an individual drink responsibly? No.

      1. tangerineRose*

        I know this is just unpopular opinions. I don’t even like alcohol and don’t drink it, but I feel compelled to mention that this was tried in the US (Prohibition), and it seemed to cause more problems. People still drank alcohol and seemed more likely to binge-drink.

    47. David*

      The comment from The Prettiest Curse reminded me of one of mine: that you should aim to live life in your comfort zone, and that the only reason to go out of your comfort zone is to “stretch” it, so that more of the experiences you’re going to have in the future will land in the comfort zone rather than outside it. After all, they call it the comfort zone because it’s comfortable! Going outside your comfort zone is just deliberately making yourself miserable. (Unless being miserable is what makes you comfortable, I guess.)

      Another one I’ve come into fairly recently is that, in a democracy, large-scale election fraud (or generally, any attempt to artificially influence election results to make them less representative of the will of the people – and yes I know that’s vaguely defined) should be among the most severe crimes recognized by the law, right up on the same level as treason.

      Aside from that, I agree with a bunch of the other ones posted here.

      1. allathian*

        Yes, I agree on the comfort zone thing, at least for adults. Lots of kids would never voluntarily challenge themselves. Some discomfort is necessary for growth, but at some point adults should be allowed to decide that they don’t want to grow anymore.

        I can get behind truly necessary changes when I understand why it’s necessary. But I hate change for its own sake.

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          I agree when it comes to preferences, especially.

          I’m 52 years old and hate seafood. I don’t judge the seafood tastes of others! You can ram entire flounders into your face daily and I will be totally supportive as long as you aren’t decimating the population, but I will not be joining you, please quit trying to convince me otherwise. I’m not six and refusing all food but chicken nuggets; I actually have sorted out what foods I do and don’t like.

    48. Shannon*

      Non-parents don’t understand what it’s like to be a parent. It’s so weird to me that a small number of childfree people absolutely freak out when told that their experience as a nanny, teacher, camp counselor, or older sibling is in no way equivalent to being a parent.

      I am not divorced. I don’t understand what it’s like to be divorced. I can imagine it, I can read about, I can support others who are divorced, and j can even have opinions about divorce and people in my life who are divorced. But I don’t understand what it’s like because I’ve never experienced it.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I’ve been divorced twice and it’s not really like … anything. Heh. I was married and then I wasn’t. Then I was, then I wasn’t. (But then, other than the way I complete some paperwork, I’m also one of those folks for whom marriage didn’t really change anything either.)

      2. allathian*

        Parental experience also varies widely. My husband and I have one son, just turned 15, who so far has been pretty easy to parent. He does well in school and has never been in any trouble, he’s responsible and mature for his age. I have no idea what it’s like to parent kids with special needs.

        That said, I think parents who have more than two severely disabled kids with congenital disabilities who will never be able to live independently are irresponsible. Just face it, your genes aren’t compatible to produce healthy offspring, so just stop already. I don’t doubt that decent parents love their kids no matter what, and any kid can become disabled or mentally ill in a way that prevents them from becoming independent adults, but…

        1. Observer*

          That said, I think parents who have more than two severely disabled kids with congenital disabilities who will never be able to live independently are irresponsible. Just face it, your genes aren’t compatible to produce healthy offspring,

          Not the case. Genetics are not the only factor at play in congenital disabilities.

          1. allathian*

            Yeah, poor or non-existent antenatal care also plays a role, and sometimes the pregnant person’s actions do, too. Every single case of FAS is preventable by simply not drinking when you’re pregnant, but how to prevent that, especially without excessively limiting the lives of young people who could potentially get pregnant, is a very thorny issue. I guess providing support and help without judgment to pregnant people so they can quit drinking, and for many addicts the mere fact of being pregnant is what finally gets them motivated enough to stop, is the way to go.

            Sometimes it’s just pure bad luck, as happened to my aunt. She was pregnant with twins but Baby A was stillborn. Baby B suffered from a lack of oxygen during birth and had severe cerebral palsy as a result. She never matured past the infant stage and died of pneumonia when she was 12. She would’ve been perfectly healthy if the birth order had been reversed.

    49. Ali + Nino*

      You can figure out within six months of dating whether or not you want to marry someone. Maybe even less than six months. Really.

      It’s better to start having children earlier in life rather than later in life. (I’m not talking about teen parents. I’m talking about stable 20-somethings with the resources to care for a child.)

      I totally agree with people who said the US tax code needs to be simplified and I believe the electoral college should also be done away with; it made sense when candidates needed to travel to speak to voters in person but it’s unnecessary and unfair now.

      I think asylums for the mentally ill should be reopened.

      I think the FDA should prohibit the manufacturing, import, and sale of food products over a certain threshold of sugar per serving etc.

      I think smartphones should be banned (as I write this on a smartphone :-p)

    50. Miss Buttons*

      My opinion, popular or unpopular, you tell me: Convicted felons should not be allowed to run for president in the US.

    51. WoodswomanWrites*

      Cinnamon raisin and other kinds of sweet bagels should be banned from the entire planet.

    52. Seashell*

      Cities/states with no naturally-occurring ice ever should not have hockey teams.

      1. Blank*

        Everyone should have to spend some time working either food service or retail so they know how t9 properly behave on such establishments.

    54. Lexi Vipond*

      A large proportion of people are able to make at least some change to their weight/fitness/general health by changing how they eat and/or exercise. Deliberately discouraging people from making desired changes purely on the grounds that it’s not 100% effective in 100% of situations is irreponsible.

      A large proportion of people could save at least a small amount of money by being more careful about spending on small luxuries. Insisting that nobody should ever do so purely because it won’t save enough to buy a house is ridiculous.

      1. WeightBlame*

        I want to live where you live. As someone with medical reasons why normal diet and exercise changes don’t work for me, I am constantly subjected to Opinions about not trying hard enough, not caring, how I could lose weight if I’d only try. My endocrinologist and nutritionist get to have opinions about what I eat/my weight (they believe I’m doing a good job managing what I can manage). Everyone else – including other doctors who want to blame everything on weight because it’s an easy scapegoat even though it’s almost certainly not true in my case – should shut up and move on either to other topics (general public) or other causes ( medical).

    55. Anon4This*

      Graduation ceremonies should only be held for completing high school, college, and advanced degrees. Having them for preschool, kindergarten, elementary school, and middle school is absolutely freakin’ ridiculous.

      1. allathian*

        I agree, sort of. It figure it’s important to acknowledge the step the kid’s taken in their educational path, but the acknowledgment should be limited to the school and the immediate family of the child, not used as an excuse to beg extended family and friends of the parents for presents for the kid.

        I’m in Finland, and until 2021 graduating from middle school at 15 or 16 marked the end of compulsory schooling, so having a graduation ceremony after middle school makes perfect sense to me. After that most kids continued in secondary education either in high school, originally a prerequisite for going to college/university, or in vocational school. Now there’s a track to go to university or university of applied sciences trough vocational school.

        Now the mandatory school age has been extended to 18, so everyone has to at least start high school or vocational school. But many never graduate, or quit when they turn 18 and go to evening school as mature students when their frontal lobes have matured enough for them to realize that they need some education past 9th grade.

    56. Busy Middle Manager*

      I got three

      NIMBY is a meaningless term now. I’ve heard it used to describe people against bulldozing the small strips of remaining woods that are teeming with wildlife for more condos, ignoring all the condos already built. I feel like the same people who protested deforestation are now protesting for it, in the name of a housing crisis, and the flip flopping is making their protesting meaningless

      High density housing can’t work en masse in the USA because we love loud power tools, leaf blowers where a broom would suffice, car alarms, blasting music outdoors, talking on speaker phone everywhere, filling common spaces with smoke (now that pot smoking doesn’t have the same taboo as regular smoking, at least in my area). That moment you live somewhere else and realize that people not only exist but thrive doing none of these things

      The food desert aspect of American obesity and health crisis is overplayed. Having only lived in places with food abundance, you realize that a majority of people consciously choose the unhealthy options, avoiding the produce aisle at all costs.

      1. WhyTheyChooseMatters*

        Some of that is cost. Healthier food is more expensive. There are other limitations that can be at play too. I physically cannot peel, cut, etc fruit and vegetables or meat and poultry, nor can I cook in anything other than a microwave using disposable cookware (cutting, lifting, cleaning cookware limitations – and before someone goes there, I have a dishwasher. I cannot load or unload it).

        I buy primarily prepared meals, usually frozen, because I can handle making and (if I’m careful about what I get) eating them. They are not the healthiest options on the planet, but they are what I can manage.

        When I was in grad school my only reasonable shopping option was a convenience store. It was a nice convenience store that had a deli and sold some prepared food, but it was much more limiting than a grocery store. On average, the healthier items that were available were much more expensive than other options. Most people could not or would not pay the premium, which also meant over time fewer healthier options were available because the store couldn’t sell them at a price that made sense for their business.

        Food supply is a complicated thing.

      2. Observer*

        Having only lived in places with food abundance, you realize that a majority of people consciously choose the unhealthy options, avoiding the produce aisle at all costs.

        You get to have whatever opinions you want to. But how does living only in places with food abundance give you ANY *facts* about food deserts? I really, really do not understand the factual basis of this opinion.

    57. Busy Middle Manager*

      Police should ticket people for driving too slow. I drive 2 hours away most weekends and the most dangerous drivers are people doing 50-55MPH on the highway. Most seem lost or look distracted or have a glazed over look on their faces, and hundreds of cars having to switch lanes to get around them greatly increases the risk of collisions.

      1. SpeedingRules*

        Speed limit is usually 55, so are you advocating for speeding being normalized to the point where not speeding is illegal? Trying to understand…

        1. Seashell*

          Some highways have 65 MPH speed limits. In my area, that’s usually the case in more rural areas.

        2. fhqwhgads*

          Where are you? There are a large amount boulevards and avenues where I live with 55 mph limits. The slowest highway limit is 65 mph.
          I interpreted the comment you’re responding to as “the most dangerous drivers are people doing 15-20mph lower than the speed limit when there is not a congestion-related reason for doing so”.

        3. Esprit de l'escalier*

          Where I live, interstate speed limits are either 65 or 70 mph depending on how rural it is. Since most drivers treat the speed limit as if it said “you can add 5-10 mph if you wanna,” traffic is actually normalized at 70-80 mph. A significantly slower driver is a menace to everyone else on the road.

    58. IzzyTheCat*

      Smartphones and social media should be illegal for under-18s (like tobacco/alcohol).

      (Source/inspiration for this opinion: Jonathan Haidt, The Anxious Generation: How the Great Rewriting of Childhood is Causing an Epidemic of Mental Illness)

      1. allathian*

        I think that ship has sailed, but there should be a wider consensus against the big social media companies to force them to take actions to protect their young users. Schools (and parents) need to teach media awareness to kids.

        Schools shoud have the right and authority to limit smart phone use at school, up to and including confiscating the phones for the day from kids who won’t comply with lesser measures.

    59. JPalmer*

      Fun unpopular opinion: People need to get over themselves about pineapple on Pizza. It’s an acidic fruit (like tomatoes).

      Unpopular Opinion: Most opinions aren’t important enough to warrant focusing on to any significant degree. This is because most people aren’t informed enough to have a scientifically informed opinion.

      So many issues are non-issues and our collective societal consciousness fails to address some of it’s most basic problems quibbling over distraction issues.

    60. Generic Name*

      Black jelly beans are the best traditional jelly bean flavor. Buttered popcorn is the best Jelly Belly flavor.

      1. carcinization*

        Oh wow, I never thought I’d “meet” anyone else who felt this way about jellybeans! I usually tell people I only like the jellybeans others think are gross (but these days have to clarify that I don’t mean the, sigh, Harry Potter affiliated ones).

      3. Peanut Hamper*

        Absolutely!

        Although I would love to hear the Tom Jones version of “Smooth Criminal”. Probably never going to happen, but we can hope.

      1. Adrina*

        Mostly I just think the video is very cool with a femme fatale in some sort of interrogation.

    9. Elle Woods*

      Sinead O’Connor’s “Nothing Compares 2U” > Prince’s

      And I am a HUGE Prince fan.

      1. Cookies For Breakfast*

        I didn’t know it was a Prince song until recently, and, love Sinead O’Connor’s version too much to ever listen to another!

        1. Chocolate Teapot*

          There was a list on Ms Mojo of Songs you didn’t know were written by Prince.

          Manic Monday by the Bangles?

    11. Chaordic One*

      PMJ’s (with Morgan James) Maps > Maroon 5
      PMJ’s (with Maiya Sykes) Boulevard of Broken Dreams > Green Day
      PMJ’s (with Emma Smith) Lovesong > The Cure
      PMJ’s (with Emily West) Only One > Kanye West (on hearing this imaginative reinterpretation Puddles Pity Party exclaimed, “Oh my holy crackers!”

    12. Elizabeth West*

      Gary Jules’ cover of “Mad World” > Tears for Fears.
      The way he does it just fits the song much better, imo.

      1. Cookies For Breakfast*

        Totally. I first heard it in an episode of Without a Trace (not even on Donnie Darko, which I ended up watching much later than everyone else) and the vibe it created was perfect for the plot.

    14. Tangerina Warbleworth*

      Seal’s Fly Like An Eagle > The Steve Miller Band. Yes, I’m old

      1. 248_Ballerinas*

        Ooh, that’s a bridge too far, although I like their version, especially how it was used in the film Natural Born Killers. It worked better than the original would have.

        BTW, my original comment was intended for the Unpopular Opinions thread above, but I’m glad it took on a life of its own.

    16. Peanut Hamper*

      The Nerves “Hanging on the Telephone” > Blondie.

      And I say this as someone who has been a Blondie fan since I was ten years old. Their version is just so much more raw, so much more punk. (Still love the Blondie version, though. The Def Leppard version is….acceptable.)

      Also, RIP Jack Lee.

    18. Cookies For Breakfast*

      A Case of You by Tori Amos > Joni Mitchell (sorry Joni, I do like yours too)

      and, Doughnut Song by Allison Crowe > Tori Amos. It’s a cover my old last.fm unearthed for me in my teenage years, and for all my love for ’90s and ’00s Tori, it has so much more emotion.

      1. Seashell*

        I haven’t heard Tori Amos’ version of A Case of You, but I heard Prince’s version of it after he died and liked it a lot. Not as much as Joni’s, but probably better than most Prince songs for me.

    20. Don’t hurt me*

      Mine didn’t post so no doubt this will result in a double post!

      Lachune’s “Times Like These” > the original one by Foo Fighters.

  32. Warrant Officer Georgiana Breakspear-Goldfinch*

    Last week I asked about a possibly-cursed condo purchase, and people universally said to flee; I have done so and gone straight into contract on a much better, 100% less cursed condo! I gotta read a billion loan documents this afternoon after my volunteer shift; does anyone have advice on this?

    I’m also contemplating the moving process; I’d like to paint, but the place doesn’t *need* it and maybe I should live there for a while and get to know the light before I throw money at something purely cosmetic? If I do paint, should I have the place deep-cleaned before or after?

    1. Falling Diphthong*

      Deep clean before painting–you want the walls clean.

      Maybe ask yourself the reason for painting: Do you really like yellow and want a yellow living room? Or is it more that you feel like people expect you to Have A Vision and to Want To Paint To Express It?

      You can always repaint if a color doesn’t work out. For example my relatives who did a bright yellow in a space that got a ton of sun, and so it landed as more broiling than cheerful. Sometimes you try a color and it doesn’t work out and that’s okay.

      1. Warrant Officer Georgiana Breakspear-Goldfinch*

        Oh, the desire to paint definitely comes from me, I have been making moodboards for years!

        1. Sloanicota*

          Painting is one of the less-expensive and easiest things to do on your own (or have a friend come help) so I highly encourage you to do it if it will help you feel like you made the place your own! Buying a place is a such a dream, and then a lot of it turns out to be about the paperwork and responsibilities of less-exciting repairs; give yourself the chance to do as much fun, meaningful stuff as you can as you start this exciting new stage!

        2. Falling Diphthong*

          In that case I would paint before moving in. Particular focus on anywhere you spend a lot of time, or on a small space that can take a strong color you’d find overwhelming covering the whole room.

          I think “live there for a year” is good advice for remodeling and gardening–sometimes you really use that weird little hallway, or discover that the weird scraggly things are sensational in May–but painting is much less effort to redo if you decide the dark red isn’t working in the space.

          1. Jackalope*

            Add to this focus on rooms with big furniture that would be hard to move (or just lots of furniture). So much easier to do that before moving in!

    2. WellRed*

      I’m on the fence about painting, timing wise. It’s easier to paint when you don’t have to deal with furniture but it can be important to live in a space for awhile. If there’s a room color now you particularly dislike you could start with that beforehand?

    3. Llellayena*

      Definitely deep clean before you move in. It’s easier to paint before the furniture is in place but time is a factor. DIY or hire? DIY takes WAY more time than you think it does. You can also be strategic about what to paint before vs after. I painted the main living space, the guest room and the craft room because those would be the hardest areas to move furniture later.

    4. Rosie M. Banks*

      Paint is relatively inexpensive and it really makes a place feel like your own. It is also far easier to paint before you move all of your own stuff in. Unless you are very unsure about light and/or color, I will always vote for painting before moving in.

    5. Rick Tq*

      When you are reading the documents think about how YOU think the deal should be structured, especially your initial % of equity, monthly payments, and if you have an escrow account.

      Our documents weren’t correct when we purchased our current house so we had to wait for them to be corrected to complete the closing.

    6. Dancing Otter*

      Regarding the loan documents, pay attention to how the escrow portion will be determined, if you will have escrow. (I kept mine for the convenience, even after I had enough equity to drop it.) The first year is commonly mis-calculated due to the apportionment of tax liability on the closing settlement. Knowing how escrow shortfalls are handled, immediate catch-up or spread over future payments, is going to matter.

      I recommend painting before moving furniture in, then shampooing the carpet and/or washing and waxing bare floors. Even if the seller swears on a stack of Bibles that they already did, potential buyers have been tracking through there since. And sellers lie.

    7. Kay*

      Re docs: the most important one is your note – make sure that is right for your loan amount, interest rate, term, base payment and prepayment penalty. All this should be on the first page in 99.99% of loans. Obviously know your payment and impound account details, when title documents come out make sure to review your settlement statement, know how you plan to take title and what that will mean to you. Make sure it matches your name on the Deed of Trust. This may sound basic – but check your names are right and you have a DL/passport that matches those names.

      The rest is all standard stuff – you don’t need to stress that much over it, it is all basically the same and has been for years, and if you want your loan you will sign it. Basically – pay your bill, don’t do lie to your lender or illegal snit and don’t endanger the property.

  33. Miss Buttons*

    Dog people: how much medical intervention and how much money are you willing to spend for care for sn older dog? Our golden/lab mix is 12, wonderful dog, much-beloved. Annual vet bills used to be in the hundreds. This week his annual vet check was over $1,000. Each year the vet wants to do more and more testing and treatment. His only noticeable issues are stiffness (arthritis) and some benign lipomas which the vet is not concerned about.
    So when your older dog starts having costly medical problems, what is your thought process for deciding how much treatment you’ll allow and how much money you’ll spend? Our first guideline is if he’s in pain we don’t want to prolong his pain (he’s not there yet, but we’re thinking of the future). How much would you spend for care of an older dog per year – $2,000? $5,000? $10,000? What factors would make you choose to euthanize an older dog?

    1. AvonLady Barksdale*

      My buddy is 13. We have insurance for him, but it doesn’t cover everything. His recent check-up with a bunch of shots (including his monthly arthritis shot) was almost $800.

      My vet is really wonderful when it comes to figuring out what is worth treating and what isn’t. He was having some leakage issues, vet suggested a blood panel, I didn’t hesitate. Turns out he has chronic kidney disease. Treatment is a diet change and monitoring, and it’s working. He has bad arthritis in his hips. He gets Librela every month, which is a little under $100 (insurance covered the first three months). He’s on inexpensive meds for arthritis and anxiety.

      He had a cancerous lump removed from his flank about 3 years ago. I wouldn’t do that again because I wouldn’t put him through the risks of anesthesia and surgery at his age. I don’t know what I would do if he broke a leg (I hope I never find out!). Basically, I weigh the risks based on what he can reasonably handle.

      But I’m in a very privileged position– I can afford to treat him. As long as he remains happy and relatively pain-free (he’s almost 14, there’s going to be some discomfort), and as long as we still take 80-minute sniffing walks in the mornings, we will pay just about anything. We live in an expensive city so vet care isn’t cheap, but we’re now in a position where that’s ok. We’re very fortunate. The sad part is that I know I won’t be spending this much forever– good news for the wallet, bad news for the heart.

      1. Miss Buttons*

        Thanks for your thoughts, ALB. The kicker for us is we just don’t have that fat a wallet. I know when problems start we’ll be willing to spend hundreds at a time. But if and when it gets into thousands and thousands each year it will prompt some very tough decision-making. We don’t have vet insurance, and have some other unrelated financial concerns. I’m most afraid that my husband and I will be divided on what to do and how much to spend. I fear I won’t be able to let go of our dog when push comes to shove and his quality of life is not good. But I need to remember that my dog’s well-being is more important than my inability to let go. I don’t want him to have prolonged suffering. I’ve seen someone keep their dog alive when he was suffering terribly, because the owner couldn’t let go. I hope our vet will be able to guide us when the time comes.

        1. A313*

          I always try to remember the saying “better a week too early than a day too late” with regard to letting go. It’s good you’re thinking about and talking about this in advance. It shows how much you care. Saying goodbye is never easy.

          Also try to remember that even if your funds were unlimited, there’s only so much that can be done.

          1. HoundMom*

            Yes, this. It is always hard to let go, but one of my biggest regrets is over a dog I could not wrap my head around that there was no path forward. Luckily, I have a kind vet now who is honest about that.

        2. office hobbit*

          Since you’re thinking ahead, can you start putting money away specifically for future vet costs? Maybe you’re already doing this or maybe it’s not feasible. But even a small amount per month will add up and be a cushion when the time comes.

        3. Petlover1*

          Your original question was at what point do you stop spending money, but now your point seems to be that you are concerned you will prolong your dog suffering. Those are two absolutely separate issues. Not having the money for extensive treatment is no shame, but I would talk with your vet about these issues, both financial and emotional.

    2. Texan In Exile*

      We were really stressed when our new vet (our vet had just retired) told us that our 16 year old cat with chronic kidney disease needed a dental. Low estimate was $1,700, which is more than I paid for my first car. High estimate was $2,500.

      We pushed back on the part of the process that we should give Shirley gabapentin before the procedure and the office manager basically fired us. (“If you don’t trust our medical advice, you are free to seek treatment elsewhere.”)

      We found a new vet who owns his own practice (not part of a chain, unlike the previous vet) and who charges about $600 for a dental. (We were considering another dental just because when old old vet pulled four of Shirley’s teeth six years ago, it changed her personality from grumpy – that is, in pain – to sweet.)

      But the first thing new vet told us was that he doesn’t do dentals on cats Shirley’s age – it’s too risky. (Even our other cat, who died last year, almost died during her dental six years ago.)

      My advice is to find a new vet. Our new guy is clearly more concerned with our pet’s comfort than with making a buck. Some procedures are too risky for an older pet.

      1. Sloanicota*

        Sadly, vet clinics are being privatized and brought into group practices that are very much about making money, just like other businesses are. It’s harder and harder to find small independent ones that don’t have a bunch of unnecessary baseline practices to drum up costs :(

      2. A313*

        You might want to consider a veterinary dentist for a third opinion. Side note: we found one in a further-out suburb who was less expensive (and more highly-trained) than our regular vet. She was fabulous.

        If you Google “Tanya’s comprehensive guide to feline chronic kidney disease,” she has extensive information on cats with CKD undergoing dental procedures (and the level of pain that dental problems cause in cats, despite their amazing ability to hide it). Interestingly, she points to research that shows that dental problems can lead to CKD. I found her site very helpful overall in the past with a CKD kitty who has since passed.

        All that said, you know your cat best, and your situation, so this may or may not be helpful to you.

        1. Texan In Exile*

          Yes! We have been fans of Tanya’s page since our other cat was diagnosed and wouldn’t eat anything. My husband was able to find CKD appropriate food because of Tanya.

          Unfortunately, Shirley is probably too fragile for anesthesia and surgery. :( Since her bonded partner died a year ago, she has gone from 7.5 lbs to 4.7 lbs and herself has been diagnosed. Right now, we just want her to eat.

          (Our retired vet discovered that one of the reasons Shirl doesn’t like to eat is that she has a hernia in her diaphragm and her stomach pokes through it, physically constraining her stomach capacity. Dr B said that in almost 50 years of practicing, she had never seen that before.)

    3. Chauncy Gardener*

      We have always had rescue dogs (and cats) and we will not (and can’t anyway) spend a lot of money on their end of life treatments. I feel like a lot of vets really milk that gravy train and I just don’t think it’s fair to the animal and I can’t afford it anyway. If my dog is basically at the end of his or her lifespan, I’m not going to have a ton of tests done because I’m not going to treat him/her if the tests find something. I keep them as comfortable and spoiled (as always) as possible, but when they are in pain or otherwise not able to have their usual good life, I have them put to sleep. I hope someone does that for me, honestly.
      I don’t think spending tons of money medically treating your pet is an indication of how much you love them. And many times it just makes them suffer more.

    4. MissCoco*

      My bar is related to how the price benefits the animal. My husband got sent to the vet a few times with pets who had mystery ailments this year and I coached him to ask “how would the results of this test impact your treatment?” and “How would these results impact Pet’s quality of life?”
      I understand from the vet’s perspective that more data allows for catching issues early when they are more treatable or treatable with less intervention, but as a person on a tight budget, I can’t often swing testing that isn’t symptom-directed.
      OSU vet school has a great worksheet on end of life decision making, I’ll link in a reply to this comment. I think it’s a useful framework to consider long before end-of-life decisions are imminent.

  34. Jackalope*

    So here’s my discussion question for youall: what is something you’ve come across in a story that nagged at you as not making sense, and if so did you find a way to fix it in your mind or find a logical explanation or way to change the situation so that it did make sense? I’m thinking more of, “This story element doesn’t work in the real world, but if we tweaked it a bit then it could.” My main story interests personally are fantasy and to a lesser extent sci-fi, so that influences this question, but the answers don’t have to be.

    The question that I’ve been mulling over that triggered this is the question of dragons. I’ve long enjoyed dragons in stories, but from a biological perspective, having such large predators would mean that they have gigantic territory needs, and unless we’re considering the gigantic prey animals from dinosaur times (conveniently a time when giant lizards could exist and find food), I find it hard to imagine how a genetically sustainable population could exist. This morning when I was trying to sleep, I suddenly had the thought that dragons could be omnivores instead of carnivores. That gives them a much wider range of food options and makes it much more likely that they’ll be able to feed themselves and have a sustainable population. I still have to workshop it a bit, but I think it makes a lot more sense. Anyone else have similar story elements they’ve solved (or failed to solve) for themselves?

    1. Falling Diphthong*

      The Mimicking of Known Successes which is set on Jupiter. Why are people living on Jupiter, rather than its moons? Why isn’t the much higher gravity affecting movements? (If you weigh 150 on Earth you weigh 375 on Jupiter–this will affect your jumping. And everyone’s health.) Why would anyone imagine that the metal needed to make a Jupiter-encircling band for the multiple rail lines would be easier to construct than settling the damn moons?

      I think the author had a vision of two figures on a foggy train platform and thought “but what if it was on Jupiter?” and has no idea about gravity.

    2. Miss Buttons*

      If it’s fiction, IMO the author can do or say pretty much whatever they want to do or say. But I think it does affect the author’s credibility if they have outlandish things or circumstances in a work of fiction. Maybe fantasy fiction is a bit different. I usually read straight fiction or mystery. Good authors research their fiction books, to avoid writing about unrealistic circumstances. Often I can tell by reading the Acknowledgments how much research an author has done before writing a fiction work. I appreciate that when they do. I’m reading a mystery fiction series now, and I so appreciate all the author’s historical research because her books, while fiction, are historically accurate.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        Is this a clue, or does the author just really not know about X? is distracting when reading. (Or watching.) I’m totally willing to suspend my disbelief, but I need an indication that I’m supposed to do that.

        I will roll with all sorts of unlikely or impossible things if the author commits to it and is logically consistent.

        Example from TV: I thought Season 1 of Legion was absolutely brilliant at indicating what weird thing was important and a part of the overall plot, and what was neat atmosphere that wasn’t ever getting a deeper explanation. Then Season 2 just completely whuffed that. (e.g. You spent most of the season setting up a macguffin that knocks out people’s powers; probably should have used it in the final episode when you really needed a device that would do exactly that.)

        1. Jackalope*

          Once I was reading a story written by an English-speaking author where one of the characters was French, and had a paragraph or three where she was speaking in French. She used the masculine form of an adjective for herself and I grumbled to myself about English-speaking authors not using proper grammar in French. Well, it turns out that “she” was in fact the male criminal accidentally using the adjective that he would normally use while disguising himself as a woman and that adjective was the only clue to who he was! I was bemused that I’d caught the clue but hadn’t realized it was on purpose. (To be fair, I’ve read a lot of French written by English speakers who don’t care about their grammar in another language, so it wasn’t a huge leap on my part.)

          1. Irish Teacher.*

            I had something similar happen with an Agatha Christie. I don’t want to give too much away, but let’s just say I assumed that she, being English, was making a mistake about Catholicism when it turned out the character was lying and Poirot, as a Catholic himself, figures out that doesn’t make sense.

            1. tangerineRose*

              I don’t remember that, but I do remember an Agatha Christie where the fact that “you” in English can be plural or singular was sort of important to Poirot.

              1. tangerineRose*

                I remember wondering how that would be translated to Spanish, where there is a difference.

          2. Lexi Vipond*

            I have absolutely read that, and now I have no idea what it is.
            (I don’t think it’s Agatha Christie, although I remember it as a Blue Train kind of setting. Something a bit like that is mentioned in one of the Wimsey novels, so I don’t think it’s one of his short stories. Campion??)

            1. Pam Adams*

              there’s a Wimsey story where a French-speaking woman turns out to be a disguised male jewel thief. Lord Peter discovers it when the thief refers to “herself ” with a male pronoun.

        2. Anon this minute*

          THIS! I was confused by an Anthony Horowitz mystery where I was warned to pay attention to *everything*. There were a couple of things that didn’t make sense, and I wrongly assumed they were clues.

          1. Falling Diphthong*

            It’s so frustrating when I have come up with a great explanation for the dissonant details, and then the storyteller casually indicates that, no, no thought was given to the logic gaps. That I have thought about it far, far more than they did.

            I’m looking at you, Lost.

      2. Elizabeth West*

        What makes it work is if the author ensures the outlandish thing works within the rules of that world they’ve created. No matter what those rules are, the reader has to understand them, and the outlandish thing cannot deviate from them.

        This is true even in fantasy. If you do it skillfully enough, then anything can make sense within the confines of the story. In straight fiction, you’re probably ending up in magical realism territory, which imo is much harder to pull off.

      3. goddessoftransitory*

        For me it bugs me MORE when sci fi/or fantasy writers don’t seem to care about basic scientific principles. Double for when they construct very specific circumstances and then violate them willy-nilly with no in-story reasoning.

        The film AI starts with this huge explanation of the scarcity of resources in the future–to the point where even the super rich are only allowed one child each. But later, Flesh Fairs and robot dumping grounds are introduced without any care for said shortages–if stuff is in that short of supply every scrap of anything that’s come to the end of its use should being aggressively recycled with tons of government regulation.

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          “Technology doesn’t work because of the magic” so often indicates that the writer doesn’t understand how technology grows out of observed science. Like your body has electrical currents–that’s what an ekg measures. So if electricity just can’t flow around magic, welp, everyone just died.

        2. tangerineRose*

          As a kid, I read a Dr. Dolittle sequel where they journeyed under the sea in the shell of a very large snail who transported them. Maybe it was written a very long time ago, because the author didn’t seem to understand that the lack of oxygen would kill them. The author instead suggested that the people at first had some headaches but adjusted.

      4. Clisby*

        To me, the main thing is that authors maintain the internal logic of what they’re presenting. I’m perfectly willing to believe vampires exist, but don’t tell me early in the movie that they don’t have reflections in a mirror, and later show me the supposed vampire’s reflection.

    3. Hyaline*

      Have you happened to stumble across the podcast Worldbuilding for Masochists by chance? This kind of deep diving is their bag. (One nitpick which I agree with is that the extended winters in Song of Ice and Fire would not allow for survival of hibernating animals or plant dormancy cycles as we understand them)

      2. Llama face!*

        Oooh, I’m not a big podcast fan but this seems like it could be an interesting one!

    4. Falling Diphthong*

      I decided that Person of Interest takes place in an alternate universe in which shooting someone in the knee is both a) a minor injury that is completely healed by a couple of months of PT; b) short term, a completely disabling injury that makes the person utterly unable to use their hands to shoot a gun, push a detonator, dial a cell phone, etc.

      1. tangerineRose*

        Remember Terminator 2 where he was so “proud” of himself for shooting people in the knee instead of killing them? Of course, in real life, this could have crippled people forever, which also is not good (although better than being killed).

    5. Sitting Pretty*

      Ok, this is going on a slightly different direction, but I can’t make sense of wardrobe changes in every single new scene of a show. Normal people who have an entirely unique outfit every single day? Who never wear the same dress more than once? It’s absurd and I have to convince myself that maybe they really do have an extremely large closet in their little apartment, and they’re also epically skilled at both thrifting and clothes-swapping with similarly shaped friends.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        I recall the TWOP writer specifically praising Veronica Mars for having the main character appear in something she’d word before.

        Conversely, it always stands out to me on Bakeoff that everyone needs to wear the same clothing on the two shooting days, when most of us change our clothes between Saturday and Sunday.

      2. Dark Macadamia*

        The worst is when the show makes a big deal of the character struggling with money and they still have a giant designer wardrobe!

        Mad Men does an amazing job with this – you see repeated outfits (more often with less wealthy characters) and there’s a period of time where it seems that a character probably borrowed clothes from a family member for a plot-relevant reason, but it’s never explicitly stated. Really rich storytelling with the costuming.

        1. WellRed*

          Sex and the City is ridiculous for this. Carrie writes a weekly column for a weekly paper (also known as no money6 and not only supports herself but also has expensive designer everything?

          1. Falling Diphthong*

            I will say that this seemed particularly grating to newspaper columnists. I suppose like anyone else whose fictionalized job is made to seem so different from the actual job.

        2. Elizabeth West*

          Emily in Paris does the amazing-wardrobe-worn-by-character-who-isn’t-rich. But it works if you think about it as pure fantasy about how it would be as a young American woman living in Paris.

          1. UKDancer*

            Emily in Paris is hilariously unrealistic and her lifestyle is completely unrealistic for her likely income (both the apartment she occupies and the clothes she wears). Also she never gets the metro (which everyone does regardless of income) and Paris appears to be almost exclusively white (which it really isn’t – it’s a large multicultural city). Also the French characters are completely unrealistic and cliched.

            So it only really works if you imagine it as a fantasy set in a fairytale city that vaguely resembles France.

            1. Elizabeth West*

              Yep.
              It’s funny as hell and I love it though. Also Lucas Bravo, yum yum.

        3. goddessoftransitory*

          I can’t remember the name, but there was a weekly podcast that went really in depth with each episode’s wardrobe choices and the symbolism of colors.

          1. Falling Diphthong*

            Tom and Lorenzo is a blog that analyzed Mad Men’s costumes; they might have included a podcast.

      3. goddessoftransitory*

        One of the many reasons I loved Mad Men is they cared about this–you could actually get to know Joan’s purple dress or Peggy’s little hat. People actually do wear clothes more than once.

    6. BikeWalkBarb*

      Love this question. If dragons are omnivores they must have molars as well as the giant fangs they’re illustrated with.

      Things I notice and haven’t successfully solved–I just appreciate it when the author actually addresses these with any kind of attention at all:

      – Economies and use of resources. To take a well-known alternate world, in Star Trek they produce all these giant ships and send them off into space. Replicators produce their food. From what? Something they’re hauling with them that’s never specified, I decided. Who pays for the labor to produce the ships? Do they get paychecks? Do they have retirement plans? (They must, now that I’ve watched Picard.) Do they have to keep exploring to find unpopulated planets they can stripmine? But if they care about not doing harm they can’t just do that; what if there’s a developing life form there? There’s a bit of a Ponzi scheme element to it; you can’t just keep expanding without exploiting.

      – Related on the resource question: ANY post-apocalyptic anything that has people roaring around in petroleum-fueled vehicles. Yes, Mad Max, I’m looking at you, but at least you dealt with it as a precious and limited resource. In all the others if the power is knocked out to a digital gas station pump they’re going to need to break into the underground tanks and use a bucket on a rope, or if they have a generator they’d have to fire it up and make a lot of noise. Either of these take time during which the zombies or whatever will find you, and there would be a lot of death at the gas stations since everyone can see them. (I found a reddit thread with some additional options for getting the fuel out but you’d have to have the equipment beforehand; I’ll share it in a reply. If you work in contingency planning for emergencies you may have more ideas.)

      – The actual labor of producing things. This one is thanks to a comment on some forum long ago by someone whose expertise was in the history of textiles, commenting on the enormous amount of labor represented in just one gorgeous gown like what we see on Bridgerton. If it’s set back in time before the invention of the power loom that’s all someone’s hand labor somewhere. You don’t just discard a gorgeous gown that got a rip in the hem or a wine stain; you fix or redo in some way. Any society or planet that doesn’t represent a place in the system for the people doing all that work has left out a critical element. Jo Baker’s Longbourn is Pride and Prejudice from the perspective of one of the maids and it’s great for those details: pointing out the amount of labor involved in dealing with the monthly cycles of a house full of women, for example, and all that walking that Elizabeth Bennett does sure makes for a lot of laundry to deal with the muddy hems.

      I don’t solve these as I read but I notice them. If it’s really egregious and wrong it affects my feelings about the book. If it’s just ignored I tend to accept it as long as they don’t do something ludicrous that means they really didn’t see that consequence from their world-building omissions coming and when it came they and their editors didn’t catch it and fix it.

      1. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

        Ooh, just read a really nice blog series about pre-modern textile production. Will link in reply. He estimates about 40 hours a week (pre spinning wheel) to turn raw fiber into ONE finished outfit each per year for a family of six. That’s a full time job, with no vacations, just so your family doesn’t go naked! Granted, the labor was probably spread among all the women and girls of the family, but that’s still an enormous amount of work for bare minimum clothing.

        2. goddessoftransitory*

          When I first read ancient Greek texts like The Odessey and The Iliad, it just amazed me how often and broadly praise for female characters boiled down to “weaver of cloth” or “spinner of thread.” Besides physical comeliness it was the single most important thing about any woman who’s mentioned, even in passing. Even Helen, the literal most beautiful woman in existence, has almost more said about her weaving and spinning than about the war being fought over her.

          Later when I started reading more about the history of clothing and textiles and realized the sheer amount of labor involved, it got a lot clearer why this was considered such a big deal. Fine cloths, fabrics and clothing were a hugely important signifier of weath, prestige, and stability.

          1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            I was both spinning and weaving yesterday, for about two and three hours respectively, and I came out with roughly 300 yards of yarn single (which still isn’t use-ready) and about 18” length of 22”-wide woven towel, also not yet use-ready. And that’s starting from prepped materials, not like, a sheep and a handful of cotton bolls.

            1. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

              The blog estimates that *85%* of the labor in producing a finished garment was in the spinning before the spinning wheel increased efficiency. By his numbers, that’s about 36 hours of spinning a week for a family of 6 to have minimal new clothing. More if you wanted to have nice things (and everyone likes nice things, pretty things, if they can afford them) or have extra to sell. And all that work was fit in around all the other women’s work-cooking, minding the kids, hand milling grain, fetching water, helping with harvest and planting, maybe taking care of the kitchen garden and livestock.

      2. Llama face!*

        “If dragons are omnivores they must have molars as well as the giant fangs they’re illustrated with.”

        Or perhaps they are more bird-like and have crops to grind up that sort of food.

        Speaking of a similar tooth situation, one urban fantasy book series I read actually had this as part of the plotline: The main character kept getting frustrated with a demon-type character for not chewing the food they made for them until they realized the demon had no molars to chew with.

      3. Elizabeth West*

        Do they have to keep exploring to find unpopulated planets they can stripmine? But if they care about not doing harm they can’t just do that; what if there’s a developing life form there?

        They did address this in the episode “Home Soil,”* where a group of terraformers disturbed a silicon-based, microscopic life form that then took over the computer and murdered one of them in self-defense, then tried to kill Data when the Enterprise came to investigate. (But then they go on to violate the Prime Directive many times subsequently, so take that as you will.)

        *this is the “ugly bags of mostly water” one

      4. tangerineRose*

        In a Star Trek book, they mentioned something called cron or chron or cran or something that was used by the replicators to make food.

      5. goddessoftransitory*

        With Mad Max I’m willing to handwave a bit since A) it’s basically a series of fables, and B) they do, as you say, present these resources as rare and precious (how they are distributed/used/wildly wasted in absurd parades of power is another thing, but it does symbolize how humans gonna human no matter what the circumstances.)

      6. Peanut Hamper*

        Replicators produce their food. From what?

        Literally, from shit.

        This has been hinted at in a few technical manuals where waste is “recomposited” at the subatomic level into new things, but the head of Starfleet in Discovery makes a point that the apple he offered to someone was literally replicated from shit.

        FWIW, this was also hinted at in the first season of Enterprise where a group of schoolchildren ask about toilet facilities in space.

    7. AGD*

      Only semi-related, but if you aren’t already familiar with it, you might like Peter Dickinson’s The Flight of Dragons (and bonus points for John Scalzi’s The Kaiju Preservation Society).

    8. Double A*

      I am actually writing a story about dragons right now and they are omnivores. They also come in a huge variety of sizes; they kind of replace birds and large predators in the ecosystem. The largest of them aren’t insanely huge. They also don’t have 6 limbs, because literally no vertebrate is or has ever been built this way; they have wings like bats. I’ve also spent a lot of time reading and watching videos about pteradons to get ideas of how dragons could more realistically exist.

      I also had the thought that fire breathing would have given them an advantage of cooking their food somewhat, which makes nutrients more digestible and is one reasons humans can sustain our brains. So if dragons cook their food that’s why they’re smarter (although they are not magic or human level intelligent in my story, but are maybe a bit smarter than dogs).

      1. Double A*

        Also, the story is set in the tropics and the dragons are essentially domesticated, so it’s through human intervention that there can be large populations of the big ones.

    9. Cookies For Breakfast*

      I recently read a crime novel set in 2018 London. The premise was that a child goes missing at Bond Street tube station, and the mother loses sight of her because she is receiving a phone call. There is notoriously no phone signal in the London Underground (some stations are getting it now, Bond street definitely didn’t have it in 2018). The phone might have rung if she was still on the down escalator just after the ticket barrier. This is my generous explanation, even though the book says the call came while going down to the platform in a lift (the escalator is so far from the track, the child could not have boarded the train and disappeared so quickly).

      Also, I just read another London-based crime novel with geographical inaccuracies that bugged me. Part of it happens to be set in my old neighbourhood, and some location names and distances are totally off. I get not wanting to name a real police station, but don’t call it West Kensington Police Station when you’re placing it on a street that is clearly in North Kensington (there is no real North Kensington police station, and the two areas have quite different vibes). Later on, a main character meets an old friend at a pharmacy near her home in Fulham, and says she’s not surprised to find out they’re neighbours; readers know by this point that the friend lives in Ladbroke Grove, which is not at all within walking distance. Lastly, a key location is a restaurant that really exists in Central London, and the first character to name it correctly says it’s in Holborn. Chapters later, another character goes “oh yes, I’ve been there, it’s that place near London Bridge!” – when London Bridge and Holborn are around a 30-minute walk away. I enjoyed the book, but these three things still nag at me.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Oh man, The Killing was a show set in Seattle that was TERRIBLE about this. It usually was “all the tourist areas are within yards of each other” stuff, but I really lost it when a ten year old kid was supposed to have run, on his feet, from Pioneer Square to SeaTac airport.

        Add in the idea that a serial killer was marking his burial sites with huge, bright orange balloons directly under the flight path of said airport that dozens of planes would fly directly over and spot with ease and I pretty much wrote the show off.

    10. allathian*

      One thing that really bugs me is the artificially diverse casts in shows set before about WW2. Sorry, but I’m not buying the WOC pathologist in Murdoch Mysteries.

      1. tangerineRose*

        Maybe they’re going by the motto of “Not exactly how it was, but maybe a bit more as it should have been.”

    11. Lexi Vipond*

      Not exactly an answer to the question, but some of you might enjoy Diana Wynne Jones’ ‘Tough Guide to Fantasyland’ (a kind of dictionary of fantasy quest tropes), and ‘The Dark Lord of Derkholm’ (a story about the practicalities of running a quest including all the standard elements).

      Excerpts from probably the most famous entry from the former:
      ‘HORSES are of a breed unique to Fantasyland. They are capable of galloping full-tilt all day without a rest. Sometimes they do not require food or water. They never cast shoes, go lame or put their hooves down holes, except when the Management deems it necessary, as when the forces of the Dark Lord are only half an hour behind. […] But for some reason you cannot hold a conversation while riding them. If you want to say anything to another Tourist (or vice versa), both of you will have to rein to a stop and stand staring out over a valley while you talk. Apart from this inexplicable quirk, horses can be used just like bicycles, and usually are. Much research into how these exemplary animals come to exist has resulted in the following: no mare ever comes into season on the Tour and no stallion ever shows an interest in a mare; and few horses are described as geldings. It therefore seems probable that they breed by pollination.’

    12. Irish Teacher.*

      There’s one particular Irish character in the Chalet School whose accent tends to appear and disappear depending on the whim of the writer. Given both that the accent often tends to appear when it would suit her not to be understood and the fact that the accent to me like that of a specific county with a reputation for (fairly harmless) deviousness, I’ve decided she’s doing it deliberately.

    13. Anon this minute*

      Donald E. Westlake killed off some criminals in one of the first series of Parker novels and then seems to have resurrected them in the second. I resolved it by assuming Westlake just forgot he’d killed them off.

    14. goddessoftransitory*

      The giant ants from Ant Man. We don’t have a high enough proportion of oxygen in our current atmosphere to sustain insects that large.

      1. tangerineRose*

        I googled it, and apparently Ant Man uses “a chemical substance that reduces the space between an object’s molecules, allowing the wearer to shrink while retaining their full human strength, toughness, agility, and physical strength.”

        This wouldn’t make him any lighter than he already was, so when he’s tiny, if he tried to ride an ant, he’d end up crushing it.

        “Honey, I shrunk the kids” has the same problem.

    15. Reba*

      The dragon diet and supply thing is a major plot element in the Naomi Novik Temeraire series :)
      In another Novik book though, I remain irritated that the protagonist teaches herself Arabic in a very short span of time, even though Arabic is considered one of the most difficult languages for English speakers to learn.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        Anecdatum: Someone in my Peace Corps group found learning French really difficult. He had done better learning Arabic, e.g. it had a word for “not.”

      2. Peanut Hamper*

        I’ve meant to look into this for forever, but I think that Arabic and also Hebrew are difficult for English speakers to learn (or indeed, other European languages) because 1) different alphabet, 2) alphabet doesn’t always include vowels, 3) alphabets are right-to-left, rather than left-to-right, and 4) there are some guttural sounds that are difficult for English speakers to make. (Although if you speak Dutch or German….)

        Given that, I think the “difficult to learn” thing may be based on learning the written language, rather than the spoken language. As someone who has worked with a lot of English language learners, I know that these are very different things. So maybe that’s the case here? I’m not entirely sure.

        That said, I know there are some tonal languages (such as Mandarin) that are very difficult to learn as a spoken language, because most westerners don’t have ears that are trained to hear the various intonations that distinguish between similar sounding words.

        And now I know what I’m going to be looking up over the next several days…..

        1. Reba*

          Well, having studied Arabic for a few years, it’s systematic in a wonderful way that is … Just different to English grammar. So yes the difficulty is in hearing/producing sounds, writing script, and linguistic concepts all 3! And then we get into dialects! It’s really fascinating.

          The difficulty rating thing is from the U.S. foreign service, and seems to be based on relative time to fluency rather than certain criteria.

    16. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      On the other hand of the dragon issue, blue whales exist and they eat krill. So there’s that. Maybe dragons could eat flocks of sparrows?

  35. Sloanicota*

    I can’t tell if I’m just grumpy because I really didn’t want to join the church board (they are desperate and I was volunt-told) but I’d like to get the group’s wisdom: is a 9AM monthly Saturday board meeting a bad policy for a group that nominally claims they want to engage more young people? This feels like terrible timing for parents and, selfishly, I hate that it turns my Saturday morning into another work-feeling day. Opinions?

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I mean, their options for scheduling a group of people are kind of limited. Presumably Sundays are church days (?), scheduling it during weekdays has a high likelihood of either interfering with people’s workdays or, in the evenings, their limited family/free time after work (or else more work interfering for people who work off-hours). I’m not a parent, but I’m not sure why Saturday morning would be worse for parents than like, Saturday afternoon – either way, they have to have a solution that isn’t “bring the kids to the meeting.” Moving the meeting to the afternoon also would just make your Saturday afternoon feel like work, would that be better somehow? I think if you don’t want to be on the board, you should probably just tell them sorry, but no, you don’t have the capacity to take this on right now, and if that’s not something you’re willing to do for whatever reason, then you pretty much just get to deal with the situation as it is.

      1. Sloanicota*

        See, to me, a weekday evening is much less disruptive, but that’s why I’m asking – perhaps that’s not at all true for other young people.

    2. Knighthope*

      How young is young? Are middle and high schoolers going to be on the committee? The ones I know are usually asleep at 9am Sat. Are people 20 – 40 who might have children at home the “young people”?

    3. Hyaline*

      IMO weekday evening is much preferable—we can divide and conquer kid bedtime and meeting attendance without sacrificing family time. Plus no one likes get up and go weekend mornings unless it’s for something fun.

      Overall involving young people is kinda hard for this reason—if they can find more opportunities for one-off or occasional or remote/asynch help they might have some luck there.

    4. Rosie M. Banks*

      I used to participate in church discussions with and about young adults. The topic of scheduling came up a lot. Although I will be the first to admit that churches have MAJOR problems, they are also running up against absolutely intractable scheduling problems.

      Lots of churches schedule things mid-day, mid-week, which works for retirees and nobody else.

      But name literally any other time, and the responses will be some combination of the following: “My work is exhausting. I’m tired in the evening, and I can’t commit to going out again” or “lots of people work in the evenings and on weekends” or “Saturday is my only day to get things done” or “I can go to the service, but I can’t really can’t spend all day Sunday at church” or “I don’t have reliable childcare at that time.”

      Weekend mornings are bad because people who work during the week don’t want to rush out of the house on Saturday morning. Midday is bad because midday meetings seem to eat the whole day. Evenings are bad because people are tired. Also, the young adults that churches are trying to reach are reasonably likely to have kids, and that makes scheduling anything more difficult.

      I’m not blaming anyone. I’m tired in the evening, too. I know that people really do have to work evenings and weekends and even constantly changing shifts. I honestly don’t know how parents of young children manage to schedule all of the stuff they already have! I’m just saying that there is literally no time during the week that everyone will agree is a good and accessible time.

    5. fueled by coffee*

      I’m young, I guess (late 20s), and I would be okay with 9am Saturday if it was pitched as having breakfast provided (like, coffee and bagels, not fancy catering).

      Ultimately I think that whatever time you hold the meeting is going to cause a conflict for someone – some people might prefer weeknights, but others will have their standing book club meeting or yoga class on Wednesdays.

      That said, I do think the Saturday meeting means that the church is now monopolizing both weekend days (assuming Sunday services), which I think is the primary argument against Saturdays, rather than anything about the time. Sometimes it’s nice to be able to spend a full day lounging around at home!

    6. Fellow Traveller*

      Is it in person or virtual?
      If I were really committed to a group, once a month at 9am on Saturday would be fine. I have three small kids and this would actually be a nice break for me – otherwise weekends are kind of a slog.

    7. Saturday lounging*

      I wouldn’t like a Saturday 9am board meeting either regardless of my age!! When I think of my sleep patterns: pre-kid (which for me was until mid-30’s) I would easily sleep/lie in bed until 10-11 on Saturdays. My kid’s early years, we slept until he woke up which was usually 5-8am (his wake-up time got later as he got older) so MAYBE I could have gone to a 9am meeting on Saturday but we usually took advantage of having a slow morning on the weekends. Plus my kid would have school friend meetups, etc that might make it more challenging. Now my kid is 14 and I’m in my 50’s and back to lounging in bed until 10-11am on a Saturday morning. So I don’t go to church, but I’m assuming those that are on a church board go to church services rather regularly – wouldn’t a more logical time be once a month on Sunday after one of the services? When you are already at the church?

      1. dark purple blues*

        wouldn’t a more logical time be once a month on Sunday after one of the services? When you are already at the church?
        This is what I think too. And, you can/should continue whatever the childcare is, so that the spouses of the board-members don’t have to kid-wrangle.

    8. FACS*

      Our church vestry meets one Sunday a month after services. The church provides child care for the meeting. Folks are busy but generally in the building. As someone who jealously guards Saturday morning the 9 am thing would be a no go.

    9. Dark Macadamia*

      I feel like the obvious time is after services when everyone is already there… Churches often have social activities then anyway so the board could just have their fellowship donuts in a meeting room sometimes instead of the public space?

      I would have to be really excited about something to be willing to get up early on Saturday for it, but it would generally be a better time childcare-wise. It’s poor timing but the bigger issue is you don’t want to be there!

    10. Buni*

      Our church holds all meetings immediately after the Sunday service, with a strict 45 minute cut-off.

      I’m 47 and if a group I joined said mandatory 9am Saturday I would be immediately out the door.

      1. Sloanicota*

        After services seems so obvious to me that I have to assume there’s a reason that doesn’t work for them

        1. Knighthope*

          It can tend to keep the meeting focused and briefer…some people don’t like that!

        2. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

          Probably lunch, depending on how late the service runs. Could also be logistical problems if there is more than one service, though Sloanicota’s church sounds like it might be too small for that.

    11. HBJ*

      Hmm, as someone with multiple young children, I have to say I’d prefer this time to most others, including weekday evenings, especially since it’s only once a month. The earlier the better, I’d even say do 8! Get it out of the way and still have the rest of Saturday to do other stuff.

      Weekday evenings are a challenge for anything that doesn’t involve having food there – getting everybody fed, starting dinner early enough, and do you do have dinner before or after?

      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        My church has 2 services per Sunday, an early traditional BCP communion and a later family friendly service. The time between has been an experiment in having meetings or activities.

    12. Maggie*

      Don’t have kids but I ain’t going nowhere at 9am on Saturday unless it’s life or death or I’m being paid a sum of money. Way too early for the weekend. I’d never come.

    13. Jm*

      We meet every other month unless there are major issues, then quick after-service meetings work for us. I like the idea for after-service meetings but our pastor has to travel to their other church for second service

    14. goddessoftransitory*

      Noping right outta that, especially with that “volun-told” crap.

      There is nothing, NOTHING, selfish about wanting weekend time with your family or resenting and refusing being told you are now a board member and have to show up to meetings.

    15. Morning Reading*

      Saturday morning that early seems bad for everyone. I wonder if part of the problem is that meetings can go long? I’m with the “after services” bunch since most of you would be already there, but it needs a hard stop time so that it doesn’t eat up the day. Maybe even before services (like sports practice before school) could work.
      I do wonder why you are trying to attract “younger people” to board positions. Seems a better fit for people who have aged out of the herding children stage. (Or the single adults, retired adults, child free adults, adult parents of teenagers, etc.) If you’re concerned about longevity of the institution, attract younger folks with programs and services they need or like, then get them on the board in 20 years.

    16. Qwerty*

      This time works for a lot of parents I know, especially if its virtual, because their Saturdays are filled with sports games, play dates, and other activities. The kids wake up early anyway and first thing Saturday is an easier time to have the spouse keep an eye on the kids. Weekday evenings would be harder for them because it interfers with picking up kids from daycare/aftercare, cooking/feeding them dinner, doing the bedtime routine.

      Then again, the volunteering event I was at yesterday started at 7am and was mostly staffed by people 16-30.

      If you really don’t want to do it, then either anytime they suggested would have been bad or there would have been something else about the meeting that you’d have strong negative feelings about. You can not want to do something without needing to justify the thing as #Terrible.

      1. Sloanicota*

        I’m resigned to doing it, I just wanted to get a sense from the group if this is something worth raising / pushing back against as I get to know the board members better (obviously for my first few meetings I’m just there to listen/learn). It sounds like it’s all over the place in terms of how other people would feel about this time. I will certainly ask in a future meeting if we’ve tried meeting after services and why that didn’t work for people, but I’ll do it with an open spirit and I won’t act like it’s universal among younger people not to prefer this time based on what’s been said here.

    17. Clisby*

      For me, Sat. morning would have been far more convenient than Sat. afternoon. Best would be early Sun. morning (like 8 am) or right after church service. At least keep the afternoons free.

  36. RussianInTexas*

    Sunscreen advice needed.
    I since wear sunscreen daily (please no lectures, I literally had the skin cancer screening last month in the nation’s best cancer hospital, and the derm complimented my minimal sun damage and recommended to continue to do what I’ve been doing), but now it’s summer, I am spending a lot of evening time in the neighborhood pool, and it’s still fully sunny after work. So sunscreen is obviously needed.
    The issue: all sunscreen makes the skin on my face to break out. I tried all drugstore “face”, “dry” etc versions. I tried the highly recommended Supergoop. I still get breakouts. I wash it off immediately after I get home, breakouts.
    I have the 40+ years old skin which is combination oily but also getting sensitive. I need not to get sun damage, but I also don’t want to spend all summer looking like I am back in my teen years.
    Help!

    1. Sloanicota*

      FWIW, I find a prefer a hat/sunglass/rashguard combo for days when I know I’ll be outdoors in midday, particularly if water is involved – with sunscreen as my backup.

      1. RussianInTexas*

        I do the water aerobics class, and already wear the hat and sunglasses, but they don’t keep my entire face in the shade, especially while moving. 6pm sun in Texas is still full-on furnace.

    2. Sitting Pretty*

      This started happening to me almost immediately after our pool opened on Memorial Day Weekend. So far what’s been working for me is to wash the sunscreen off as soon as I get home and follow that with a blemish-cleating toner (I use Target’s knock-ooff of Clean & Clear daily toner with salicylic acid). I was worried that using this daily would try my face too much but I guess the sweat and sunscreen are providing enough moisture to keep things in balance.

      I know not everyone can use toner with salicylic acid in it because it’s harsh so this may not work for you. I unfortunately don’t have a good sunscreen option for you. All of the ones I use on my face tend to be pretty thick and sticky, by design.

    3. WellRed*

      Have you investigated the newer sunscreen serums? They seem super lightweight which might help. Neutrogena and Kiehls are two that I know of.

      2. Anon Poster*

        I’ve been using Neutrogena’s Ultra Sheer Moisturizing Sunscreen Serum for the past month. It’s SPF 60, not waterproof, but the package says water resistant. I’m 40 with very oily, acne-prone skin, and so far I like it well enough. It goes on a little greasier than I’d like, but absorbs pretty well. It’s the best of the face sunscreens I’ve been trying since March. By that I mean, I actually plan on finishing this bottle, rather than tossing it and trying something else.

    4. Hyaline*

      I wonder if upping your cleansing game could help? Adding pre-wash makeup remover or micellar water, post wash toner? A prewash swipe of micellar makes a difference for me.

    5. office hobbit*

      Have you looked at Asian brands? I’ve been happy with Missha. I don’t know if it’s waterproof, though.

      1. Reba*

        the Japanese and Korean sunscreens tend not to be waterproof, but some do have water resistance claims. Anessa is a really good one. Japanese Biore UV Aqua Rich, and Kose Suncut UV perfect gel, are also good.

    6. Pharmgirl*

      Have you tried La Roche Posay? I tend to break out easily but haven’t with this one. It doesn’t leave a white cast or feel greasy.

      1. Rrrach*

        Yes agree, adding my recommendation for La Roche Posay for the same reason- less greasy and no breakouts.

    7. Samwise*

      Neutrogena pure and free baby sunscreen SPF 50. Has titanium dioxide, you have to be ok that it’s whitish. Only sunscreen that doesn’t make me break out.

    8. Unkempt Flatware*

      I’d go to a dermatologist if you have access to one and have not already. They seem to have all the best secrets.

      Otherwise, have you tired a propolis based sunscreen? Maybe the combo of the super healing propolis and the sunscreen can help offset the breakout.

    9. Texan In Exile*

      I also wear sunscreen every day. The Walgreen’s version of Banana Boat 50 seems to be OK for my face, although even that, if it gets into my eyes, hurts.

    10. Filosofickle*

      It’s expensive but my super sensitive face hates hates most sunscreen but loves the one from Colleen Rothschild.

    11. Kay*

      Have you tried a liquid foundation/makeup from a natural/organic line? Say, Jane Iredale? They typically won’t make your skin break out like a specific sunscreen will, contain natural sunscreen, and since they use ingredients that are already sun blocking I’ve found I never have problems with them.

      If that doesn’t work for you – I personally have found Raw Elements works well. I use that for extra protection on my nose when I only want to use a powder that might not have the staying power of a liquid foundation.

    12. H.Regalis*

      Shiseido’s Urban Environment Oil-Free PSF 42 sunscreen is the only one that doesn’t make me break out. I have oily skin, similar age, and most sunscreens make me break out.

    13. Qwerty*

      Have you tried liquid foundation with sunscreen? I have had really good luck with this with the cheap-ish mainstream brands. Currently use Revlon Colorstay but have also had success with Covergirl and Maybelline – all of them have lightweight foundation that lasts a long time. My face gets so little sun that my freckles have gone into hibernation!

      It is only SPF 15 but unlike normal sunscreen foundation stays on your face and acts like a physical barrier. My experience that converted me was accidentally having a lazy river trip last 4hrs instead of the planned 1.5 (low water levels) and being stuck in hot direct sun instead of the planned shaded route. My arms were the darkest of reds, my legs actually got so burned they turned purple. My face was pristine! Only a light pink on areas where my makeup had rubbed off from my sunglasses.

      PSA to also remember that the water will reflect the sunlight up at you, so you need sunscreen in places like the underside of your jaw which are normally protected from overhead sunlight.

    14. Hungry for lasagna*

      I have combination skin and rosacea and struggled most of my adult years looking for products that work with my skin’s temperamental nature. I also spend a lot of time outside (for a number of years I worked outdoors).

      I have successfully been using a brand called Paula’s Choice, specifically their Calm line. The toner keeps my skin from over reacting to cleansing and makes it possible for me to use a single moisturizer with SPF 30- their normal to oily (although they also have a normal to dry version as well). All the products are very reasonably priced.

      .I’ve also had great results with Hydropeptide brand foaming face cleanser. It doesn’t strip my skin and cause over compensating oil production. It’s expensive but a container lasts me more than 6 months so it averages out.

      Good luck- it can be a real adventure trying to find something that works for your skin!

    16. I just really can’t think of a name*

      I’m super breakout-prone (even though I’m now in my 50s!) and use Isntree Hyaluronic Natural Sun Cream without issue. I buy it through Stylevana.

      I also use the ingredient checker on acneclinicnyc [dot] com to see if products contain ingredients that can trigger breakouts.

  37. AnonNY*

    For those of you who live in condo complexes, are tag sales common? We never had them until new owners moved in and I absolutely hate it. I feel unsafe with the amount of people and vehicles it attracts. Thankfully it’s only once a year but I wish they never started them.

    1. RussianInTexas*

      My neighborhood has the monthly yard sale day, which is I believe the same. I never feel unsafe, even when it’s my neighbors, just annoyed sometimes with the drivers.

    2. TX_Trucker*

      We had them twice a year when I lived in a condo … northeast USA, and quarterly when I lived in a typical suburban subdivision. The condo ones are not common in Texas, but almost every subdivision has an annual one.

    3. Chaordic One*

      It isn’t uncommon. It depends on the individual owners and it varies. In my current condo community (of about 100 units or so) everyone has a double garage of their own and it seems like at least one of the residents is having a garage sale every weekend. There might be tag sales where you enter the actual condo unit 2 or 3 times a year, but these are usually estate sales. I previously lived in an apartment community where many of the residents rented garages and there would probably be a garage sale going on once every 2 or 3 weeks. (It did seem like they were often being held by the same 2 or 3 residents over and over.) I never really worried about my own safety, but I do worry about people stealing the items offered for sale. Once a year certainly doesn’t seem excessive.

  38. ahhhhh silence*

    I’m moving into a townhouse soon, which I suspect has thinner walls (newer build) than my current situation. I’d like to upgrade my noise cancelling headphones and get something for sleep as well (not foam earplugs, which don’t fit –– I think I have small and/or oddly shaped ear canals.) Sometimes people talk about NC headphones as shutting out conversations even right next to you –– that kind, I want that kind.

    Any recommendations?

    2. BikeWalkBarb*

      My best friend does a lot of long-haul flying, needs to shut out both engine noise and chatty seatmates, and swears by Bose Quiet Comfort 45. They don’t look like something I’d want to sleep in, though.

    3. I didn't say banana*

      For sleeping, the loop ear plugs work well for me, but they’re in-ear

      1. ahhhhh silence*

        I’ve had my eye on the loop ear plugs as something for sleeping so it’s good to hear a recommendation for them.

    5. The teapots are on fire*

      I’ve been sleeping in silicone wax swimmer’s earplugs for decades. They go over the ear canal instead of in, as I also have tiny ear canals.

  39. Llellayena*

    Homeowner question: Who ya gonna call? I have a small, fully enclosed roof over and extension and we seem to have a critter or critters with a nest in there. The ceiling staining is getting more noticeable. I know we need to get the critters out, replace the stained part of the ceiling and plug whatever hole the critters used to get in, but who does it all? Critters seem like pest control (the non-bug version) but the patching and sealing are contractor/handyman. Do I need both or is there a service out there that can handle it all? Thanks!

    1. Falling Diphthong*

      Pest control: Remove critters and tell you how to prevent their return (e.g. where the hole is).
      Handyman: Replace damaged ceiling, possibly help with putting in place any remediation recommendation from the first.

    2. Hyaline*

      Pest control will handle the removal…and then you’ll know how much work there is for a handyman. (A friend recently had to have part of a wall removed to relocate some baby raccoons…the repair was more extensive than she originally thought!)

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Pest control may also be able to temporarily block the entrance hole until permanent repairs are made. Don’t want to fish critters outta there twice!

    3. Kay*

      You will need and want 2. The pest company can usually do the getting the critters out as well as keeping them out, but you will want someone else to fix the ceiling (and check the work to make sure the pest company did proper keep them out work – you don’t want to skip this part!)

      The reason I say to have the “keep them out” work double checked is that if that isn’t done right you will spend so much more money doing the remediation again, and paying to redo the work.

    4. Shiara*

      Pest control for removal. Our pest control guy referred us to who to hire to do the repairs/rodent proofing.

  40. Strength training recommendation*

    I’d like recommendations for strength training videos. I’m a long time lurker, first time poster. I’ve been consistent at doing cardio nearly every day for decades, but I’ve always been terrible about mixing in stretching and strength training. I committed to stretching in December and was greatly helped by a poster here who recommended Mady Morrison. Thank you so much if you’re out there!!! I have consistently stretched every day for almost six months with the help of her videos!

    I’d like some online videos for basic strength training a few times a week. Focused on core, quads, big muscle groups, primarily for the purposes of overall health and preventing osteoporosis with aging. Would greatly welcome any ideas. Thank you!

    1. Frankie Bergstein*

      I really love doing Heather Robertson videos – she has a LOT of free content on YouTube organized by length of workout, equipment needed (large selection where you don’t need any), and body part. I find her quite challenging despite working out regularly.

      Are you into yoga at all? If so, Five Parks Yoga has a pretty vast collection of classes on YouTube. The ones I would recommend to you are the “Yoga Fit” series which work in push ups, crunches, and some gentle weightlifting.

      Good luck :)

    2. AnonyOne*

      I would recommend Sydney Cummings on YouTube – I found her based on a recommendation here and really like her videos (she posts a new one almost every day). She organises her workouts into month-long or multi month themes.
      If you are looking for somewhere to start, her Ignite program from a few years ago is good. There are some cardio days and some days with cardio mixed in, but lots of strength-focused days.

    4. The teapots are on fire*

      Love Fitness Blender. There are individual free videos but you can also buy programs with access to sets of videos at a particular level and theme. They’ve added a lot of new trainers in the past few years and I’ve been pleased.

    5. MeepMeep123*

      This is a very silly and off-the-wall recommendation, but I do this myself and it’s a serious workout for upper body stuff – http://www.shovelglove.com. If you look past the silliness, it’s very solid functional fitness.

  41. RussianInTexas*

    Not a question, a complain.
    I have three cats. Two are fluffy, and as a result, more barfy than the third. I brush them regularly, but that’s just life.
    A week ago, one barfed on the couch throw blanket. Thanks Fred! I washed the throw along with another one from the same couch, might as well.
    Yesterday the other cat, George, barfed on that other throw blanket. The one I watched last week.
    Perfect coordination, guys.

    1. Falling Diphthong*

      My guess is that there is some sort of instinct to throw up on grass rather than rock, and that’s why the animals beeline for a soft and fluffy surface when barfing?

      Because I have cleaned the front door mat all out of proportion to the percent of space it takes on the much-easier-to-clean wood floors.

      1. RussianInTexas*

        The fluffiest one is particularly bad about it. He is like a toddler. He’ll just barf where he is at the moment.

      2. Sloanicota*

        Yeah there’s got to be. I have wood floors and my cat (also a puker) never, ever seemed to do her yakking there, where it would be nice and easy to clean up. She would do it in a slipper, on a piece of paper that got knocked off the counter, or on a rug. I assume the instincts of a cat do not include the ease of swiffering.

      3. tangerineRose*

        I think that when they need to vomit, they feel uncomfortable and want the comfort of something soft to put their feet on and maybe dig their claws into.

    2. GoryDetails*

      Ha! Yes, our feline overlords can be like that. At least the throw was machine-washable! I have a very large, very fluffy, delightfully heavy faux-fur throw that I use as the top layer on my bed in winter, and there have been a few occasions when I’d be awakened to the sound of a cat preparing to hurl. While I’m sympathetic to their tummy upsets, I didn’t hesitate to boot the cat off of the very-difficult-to-clean surface in favor of the easier-to-deal-with floor or throw-rug. That only works if I’m present and conscious at the time, but (knock on wood) so far the throw has escaped serious stainage.

      1. Sloanicota*

        Ha! I have a heavy faux fur that I love, love, love – so much so that I rarely use it, because my pets ruin everything in sight and I think washing it even once in the washing machine would destroy the silkiness of the faux fur.

    3. Ricotta*

      I’ve always wanted to test this. Like raise a cat in a school gymnasium with a tiny carpet remnant in the far corner, and see if he books it to get there in time to hurl.

    4. allathian*

      My parents’ late and lamented cats always barfed on the furry living-room rug, until my parents put it into storage.

    5. Rara Avis*

      My two fluff balls will sometimes hairball on the non-rug floor, but if they do, I inevitably step in it.

    6. Texan In Exile*

      I (who has 90% uncarpeted surface available for barfing but Shirley picks the Moroccan rug every time) read that cats like something to grab onto. I watched poor Shirl barf the other night and her little body was heaving all the way from her tail. :(

    7. Peanut Hamper*

      “Wait! Those throws just had the perfect cat barf smell? Why do you keep washing them?”

      –the cats, probably

    8. Can't Sit Still*

      My chronic illness means I’m sick a lot. Consequently, my cats head for the litterbox when they are barfy. So they can learn, but I’m not sure how to teach them without modeling the behavior!

  42. Ricotta*

    Folks with very long hair, any tips to put it up and out of the way that don’t tug or cause pressure? My usual ponys and high buns pull and ache.

    My hair is currently to the small of my back and it’s heavy and making me miserable, but I need to get through a few more months. My family is doing a group donation on the anniversary of an aunt’s passing.

    2. Fellow Traveller*

      I’ve started using the spiral hair ties and I find they are oddly very secure but don’t tug aa much aa other hair elastics

    3. office hobbit*

      When I had very long hair, I did a low braid or a low ponytail. If it getting in your face is annoying but tying it back tightly makes the headaches worse, you could get a wide stretchy headband. A less conventional option could be something like a snood or hairnet, it’ll get it off your neck but spread the weight more evenly than a high bun may.

    4. Llellayena*

      I use the claw clips, but they can be painful if you lean back against something (like a car headrest…). I will braid my hair sometimes. If you need up, something that distributes rather than concentrates the weight: combs, multiple clips, two (or three!) buns.

    5. sswj*

      I can almost sit on my hair when it’s loose. It mostly lives in a braid, and because I still have trouble braiding behind me I have a side braid. I pull all my hair off over my right shoulder and braid it there.

      When I’ve had to have it very tidy (I show horses and can’t have flopping hair under my helmet) I do two braids and then weave them together under the base of my skull. It stays snug and not pull-y with a bobby pin or two.

    6. Reba*

      Try the Flat Clip from tele ties!! I have hip length hair and this thing is awesome.
      For buns and twists, try Frenchies hair pins – this is a tip from ballet. They are velvety/flocked so they hold super secureing without needing a million of them.
      I favor a low bun/nape of the neck over high, it’s more comfortable for me. You can also try making a few buns or twists in a row, rather than one big single gathering of hair.

    7. Dark Macadamia*

      Double ponytail? You basically just do the top half and bottom half of your hair each in its own hair tie positioned one above the other. There are tricks you can use for the second one to make it look like all one thing, from just putting a scrunchie over the two hair ties to arranging the second half of your hair strategically around the first ponytail.

    9. Samwise*

      Lots of skinny braids, make them loose at the top. You can loosely gather the braids when you need to get them completely out of the way. That’s what I did when my hair was that long. Takes forever to do it, I recommend washing your hair, towel drying well, then make the braids even if your hair is damp. I used to leave the braids in for a week or so. Leave loose for a couple days, restart the process.

    10. Mrs. Pommeroy*

      I had calf long hair until recently and wore it in a simple braid most of the time.
      If I wanted it up and out of the way for any reason, a normal bun would result in too much pulling, so I instead used
      1 hair tie to get all hair in the generally right place and then
      lots of small (not tiny but small, so they grab a feasable amount of hair) clamp hair clips to affix the hair in a bun shape.
      I would gently (so it doesn’t pull at my scalp) twist the hair and wind it around the base of the ponytail – and each round would get secured bit by bit with about 6-7 clamp hair clips. At the end I would feel for looser strands within the bun and add more clips as necessary.
      I needed about 35 of those clips and it took a bit of time but it at least was a comfortable way of wearing my very long hair up and out of the way. And also still comfortable to lean my head against things because the hair would act as a cushion.

      Maybe that would work for you, too. :)

    11. Hyaline*

      One of the keys is hairstyles that don’t have one point of tension—like a ponytail or bun twisted around an elastic is all hanging on that one spot. Braids can work better, as they spread out the tension, or learning to put your hair up without elastics. (I use “Amish hairpins” available on Amazon of all places and loop my hair into a bun without elastics.)

    12. Gyne*

      I am a fan of the center part double French braid. My hair is not as long as others on this thread but is VERY thick and type 2C/3A curly. I can’t put it in a bun and drive comfortably because it takes up SO much space between my head and the car headrest. Braids keep it out of my way, together, and contained.

    13. Hannah's*

      Yea! I had waist-length hair for a number of years. Good options:
      -low braid/side braid
      braid
      -French braid
      -crown braid–this is a pain the learn, but once I could do it, it was my daily hairstyle and I could do it in under 2 minutes. it distributes the weight very comfortably

    14. H.Regalis*

      Low braid, milkmaid braid, and /or a low bun that’s pinned in with hair/bobby pins—basically what’d you’d if you were using hair sticks but with hair pins instead.

    15. MeepMeep123*

      My hair is the same length as yours and the only way I can contain it without hurting is a low braid.

  43. Soon-to-be Retiree*

    I’m planning to retire soon and move to a 55+ community near my family in the Sun Belt.

    I’m looking at some small one-bedroom townhomes. They have an HOA of just over $300 per month (US) which covers exterior maintenance, pest control, the roof, HVAC, water heater and water, sewer, trash and access to a couple of neighborhood pools.

    Nobody in my family has ever had a condo or a townhome, and opinion is divided between “this sounds reasonable” and “are you out of your mind?” Given that my current water bill alone is about $150 and I pay about $40 per month for trash, I’m leaning toward this sounding reasonable. But I would appreciate any thoughts from the wise people here.

    1. Sitting Pretty*

      That sounds pretty incredible to me. My condo fee is like $550/month and it does not include HVAC or the water heater, we have to maintain those individually.

      It’s always a shock to people moving from single-family homes or townhouses to see how high the condo fees are. But when you consider shared amenities, landscaping, parking lots, lighting, fire safety, exteriors of all the buildings, plus maintaining funds for master insurance payouts and big repair projects, it is a LOT of money. And as an owner, by paying the HOA, you don’t have to take care of any of it yourself. I find it to be as reasonable expense.

    2. Come On Eileen*

      That would be a mid-level fee where I live! I have definitely seen both higher and lower. Assuming you like the townhome otherwise, I’d go for it.

    3. Llellayena*

      For what you’re getting that sounds very reasonable. I’d ask to see the past 10 years of HOA finances to see how often they need to use special assessments to cover larger repairs. That almost seems too low to build up an adequate reserve.

      1. TX_Trucker*

        +1. I used to live in a place with a very low fee and we constantly had to pay special assessments for major repairs.

      2. Clara Bowe*

        +1 Condo fees seem to be skyrocketing all over the place. Defo check how much it has gone up.

    4. YNWA*

      Our HOA dues are 560 a month and covers a great deal, or so they claim. It does cover water, garbage, snow removal, landscaping, the exterior but it absolutely does not cover plumbing within the building (not just the specific units which I can understand, but the general plumbing throughout the building). It’s not the HOA dues that can be the problem, it’s the special assessments for high cost projects. We had one a few years ago that was $6000 per unit for fixing our balconies (which they never did so just waiting for the next assessment). Before that we had several in the $3000 range.

    5. Professor Plum*

      The other consideration to ask about is the HOA insurance coverage. In my area HOA dues are increasing considerably because fewer insurance companies are covering multiple unit dwellings. The companies that are covering are increasing their rates. One reason given is the increase in natural disasters—think wildfires, hail, hurricanes, etc. As insurance rates climb so do our dues, along with special assessments. If your rate doubles next year, is it still a good deal? Maybe. Maybe not.

    6. aceowl*

      My HOA is currently 477 a month and it doesn’t cover nearly half what yours does. Though when I moved in it was much lower. We’ve been woefully mismanaged and it’s taking a lot of money to get back up to spec. I’d just recommend being aware that sometimes things happen and that fee can increase quite a bit.

    8. Manders*

      I’m a treasurer for a 14-unit condo. Our monthly dues were just raised to $275 from $225, which theoretically gave us a much-needed extra $700 per month for projects. Two months after raising it, our master insurance policy went from $950 to almost $1400 per month, wiping out most of our increase. We also cover water, which for 14 units comes out to about $700 per month. The sewer rates in our city go up 7% every year, which becomes pretty expensive over time. And you always need funds for unexpected emergencies on top of the usual monthly/yearly expenses. So I think it is reasonable.

    9. fhqwhgads*

      Water, sewer and pest control monthly would add up to more than $300 where I am, so sounds pretty dang reasonable.

    10. Chaordic One*

      Your HOA fee sounds pretty reasonable to me. I pay $250 a month in my HOA which covers the roof, street lights, lawn mowing (our yards are small) and tree and shrub trimming, and snow removal for our sidewalks and driveways. I still have to pay for my own utilities and pretty much all of the house maintenance other than the roof. We don’t have any pool or club house, but some of the lawns on the outskirts of the development are considered shared space and maintenance of them is covered by HOA fees. I thought the fees were a bit much, but I guess they really are not. We did have to pay a special assessment of something like an extra $800 last year when we had a lot of snow in the winter of 2022/2023 than expected and the expense of removal was more than what the HOA had budgeted for.

    11. Seashell*

      I lived a townhouse-style condo in the early 2000’s, and I think that was about what we paid then, so I’d say reasonable. I live in a fairly high cost of living area, so, if your family members live where $200K for a 2500 square foot house is the current norm, they may have a different mindset.

      The downside to this stuff is that the HOA may not be as willing to fix things as you hope. We had a leak from the HVAC into our condo, and the condo association was resistant to paying for any of it because they said the problem was inside. In the end, we split the costs.

    12. Just Here for the Llama Grooming*

      Condo resident here. That could be totally reasonable or nowhere near enough. Please get the association’s financials for at least five years as well as the annual meeting minutes, and anything else they’re willing to give you. You want to know if there’s a deep reserve fund (helps avoid but not eliminate special assessments), how they’re handling insurance (as someone else mentioned, it’s going up everwhere), how they’re discussing necessary improvements (if the buildings are older, have they replaced roofs lately? is that in the cards soon? etc.), and if they’ve had to do recent special assessments.

      Good luck!

  44. Come On Eileen*

    I’m curious as to whether any of you have incorporated stretching and mobility work into your daily routine and found benefits in terms of regular body aches/pains. I’m turning 50 this year and think of myself as pretty active, but also getting more regular join aches and stuff, and am thinking that stretching and mobility work might be a good thing to incorporate.

    1. WellRed*

      I’m 54 and just getting started so can’t say definitively yet but having just finished PT for problems related to a desk job, the answer will be yes!

    2. Generic Name*

      I’m mid 40s, and I can definitely feel a difference in aches and pains when I do more yoga or just movement in general.

    3. Moving Along*

      I have been going to a myofascial release therapist (who is an occupational therapist) for years, once a month. She also gives instruction for what to do at home and does workshops, classes, and fascia-focussed yoga classes. Also I’ve read all of Katy Bowman’s books, which are about incorporating movement – in all of its planes – into your daily life. I’m 68 and moving well; still have occasional back issues but they are better than they were. Check out mayerwellness on youtube. Posting anon as this could out me.

      1. Jean (just Jean)*

        Thank you so much! I just started watching “A Brief Introduction to Fascia” on https://mayerwellness.com/ and I’m learning and assembling previously acquired information. Have to pause for another previously scheduled activity but I look forward to resuming later.

    4. Falling Diphthong*

      Yes. Though I have some underlying muscle problems that make me very attuned to any body part being wonky.

      I will recommend Move with Nicole on YouTube for having a range of workouts at a range of durations.

    5. fposte*

      Oh, yes, absolutely. Not a big emphasis on the stretching (IMHO, that gets really over focused on nowadays—maybe this is more for the unpopular opinions thread?), but a little bit and a lot more mobility, alongside strength work and on its own. As a veteran of both a lumbar and a cervical spine surgery I focus a lot on spine mobility, especially thoracic spine, and targeted moves that spread the work around rather than just replicating my spine’s natural bendy spots. But also a lot of dynamic side squats, foot mobilizations, etc.

    6. Miss Buttons*

      Definitely. I’m 63 and have had intermittent lower back issues for years. Stretching and yoga really helps. Also some Pilates core work because strong abs are crucial for lower back health. Regular stretching keeps the back spasms away. And it’s so good to do as you age. Tight, weak muscles get injured much more than loose, stretched muscles.

    7. Turtle Dove*

      I started yoga about a year ago and see a big difference. No more aches and pains, especially in my lower back. I’m in my 60s.

    8. just here for the scripts*

      I started doing 25 min of stretching before getting out of bed when I was 30–32 years later ( and a few injury-related surgeries) I now do more like 20- 25 min. Hubby started doing them too! The few times I haven’t, I’ve so regretted it that the next day I’m back to my routine. It’s the main reason I’m functional at all!

    9. Texan In Exile*

      When I visited a pelvic floor physical therapist two months ago (who knew such a thing existed I did not), she commented on how tight my hip flexors are. That inspired me to look for stretch routines, which I had started doing. I don’t know if it’s helping, but I know something is happening because I can feel it after.

      I also found sciatica relief exercise for my husband (Bob and Brad, the physical therapists from MN on youtube). The exercises work. When you do them. (LOOKING AT YOU MR T WHO DECIDED HE WOULD RATHER JUST BUY A NEW MATTRESS TO SEE IF THAT WORKS.)

      1. My Brain is Exploding*

        I love Bob and Brad and I love my pelvic floor PT! Also look up Leslie Howard and her book Pelvic Liberation.

    10. Not A Manager*

      I’ve been stretching for about the past 10 years and it makes a tremendous difference in heading off pain. Also, when I feel stiff I intuitively know which stretches are likely to help me.

      But my biggest game changer by far has been working on my core. Not just the abs, the whole core, with simple isometric exercises. I haven’t “thrown out” my back or shoulder in years, knock on wood, and it’s because I can feel my core engage properly when I have to reach or lift.

    11. Writerling*

      I’m maybe “too young” to answer, but I haven’t moved much in the past few years. For just a little over a month now I’ve done (standing) yoga every day (5-15mn videos max) and I already feel more flexible, I *think* I get less headaches, and my upper back and hips aren’t as tight as before.

      My mom (retired) does Feldenkrais and swears by it. She recommends Taro Iwamoto on YT or Lavinia Plonka.

    12. Rosyglasses*

      It’s one reason I love yoga! Your fascia and muscles (and therefore joints) will thank you :)

    13. MissCoco*

      I am in my 30s but I read an article on pandiculating a few years ago and try to do it at least a few times a day, and I have to say I think it is helpful.

    14. Bella Ridley*

      My dad is 76 and spends about an hour stretching every day, split between some stretches he learned from a physiotherapist and following chair yoga on YouTube. It has made a huge difference in his mobility, he is way more active than his peers and always says if he has to miss a day for some reason he really feels it in a negative way. I think he started around 60 and it’s been a huge help.

    15. H.Regalis*

      100%. I started stretching regularly as part of my PT exercises when I got diagnosed with osteoarthritis in my early 30s and if I don’t stretch for a while, I can tell. If you work out, do at least ten minutes of stretching at the end of your workout. Or, if you want to stretch but don’t want to do a workout, take a hot shower to warm up your muscles and then stretch. Besides those, just stretching randomly during the day, like get up from your chair and stretch for a couple of minutes. It really, really helps. The increased range of motion you’ll develop also makes it less likely that you’ll pull or tear something.

    16. Saturday*

      Yes, I’ve found it really helps. I like Pilates mat because the focus is on strength and stretching at the same time. Really helps for various pains. Also, I was having a lot a foot pain, and it turns out my toes had become very weak and inflexible. I just invented my own exercises there, but they’ve helped too.

    17. BikeWalkBarb*

      Yes, and just general regular movement more frequently throughout the day. I participated in a research study a while back that consisted of moving 5 minutes out of every half-hour. It’s essentially the pomodoro technique that’s suggested for better concentration, with exercise added in the break. I had to set my timer to do it consistently and obviously sometimes couldn’t make it work, but what a difference in my energy level and general sense of easy mobility! Sometimes I put my earphones on and found a 5-minute song to dance to, sometimes I just walked back and forth, sometimes I did some sun salutations or other yoga moves.

      I dropped the habit for a while thanks to a sprained knee interfering with movement but as that healed I really needed to move. Even with a sit/stand desk I can end up locked into one position for too long. Moving again after an extended block of time would remind my sprained knee that it needed movement more frequently and I think that applies even without injury.

  45. Rara Avis*

    Does anyone have advice on managing very different circadian schedules within your family? As I cruise through perimenopause, I’ve lost the ability to sleep in, so I’m usually up before 7. My husband has trouble getting going in the morning, and I don’t even want to talk about the teenager. Getting them up and going is so much work on my part that I’ve pretty much given up on family outings unless it’s something I really want to do, which makes the battle worth the fighting. (Part of my exhaustion is having to get my teen to school on weekdays.) It creates issues with meals as well — if I have breakfast at 7, husband at 11, teen at 1, we’re off -schedule all day and it’s hard to do anything because someone is always hungry at the wrong time.

    1. Falling Diphthong*

      Aim to have dinner together. Breakfast and lunch can be each person on their own. (One of my teens could eat a full meal every couple of hours, which helped to align meals.)

      Try and remember that just as your body is like “Yup, it’s 6:30, that is now our wakeup time. We are now WIDE AWAKE, even if you try lying quietly in bed with your eyes closed to trick me. It’s awake time” their bodies are giving them the opposite message.

      I found the key to moving out of the teenage sleep schedule was “become a person in their mid 20s.”

      1. Choir of Man*

        My oldest is 16/nearly 17, and the youngest is technically a pre teen although we call that child an honorary teenager. I’m still able to sleep a little later into the morning but my patterns are definitely starting to shift in my later 40’s!

        I would gently nudge you to think about “should’s” in your thinking pattern. “A family should all get up at the same time.” “A family should always eat all meals together/eat the same meals.” “A family should do X on weekends.” “A family should do X sorts of things at a particular time of day.” and so on. Should’s tell you about what you believe the ideal, or the model, behavior is (“should be”). They don’t necessarily tell you what is best or most helpful for you and your family.

        Maybe it needs to be your teenager’s responsiblity to learn enough kitchen skills that they can feed themselves two meals a day (and clean up after themselves!). Maybe you shift your weekend schedule to afternoon/evening activities instead of morning ones. But as one person who lives with a lot of should’s in their head, to another, a little bit of reflection on what is, and isn’t working, and shifting your patterns towards what is working, might make everything about how your household runs feel better.

    2. Sloanicota*

      I think it’s okay to drop the rope on this! My mother was clearly very aggrieved that we didn’t get up when she wanted us to, and really it was such a waste of her energy and cause of so much unnecessary friction – all of us went on to lead successful adult lives with normal schedules, just not in our teens. I’d give up on the idea of weekend-morning family outings; you’re already battling (understandably!) to get the teenager to school on time, so put all your energy there. As others have said, family dinner may be a better better than being all together for breakfast/lunch; everyone should be able to calibrate their snacks for a 6PM meal no matter what time they got up. The teenage years it’s really hard to keep everyone together. And don’t be afraid to do go off and do your own things solo!

    3. fposte*

      Agree with what other people are saying, but also I’m interested in the family outings. Has this been a big family thing? Does everybody still get excited about them? Can alternatives or shorter ones be found? If you’re still proceeding from the notion that these are a goal maybe it’s worth reconsidering that.

      1. WellRed*

        I wondered about that, too! Hard time picturing a family outing that will get a teen motivated.

      2. Rara Avis*

        For instance, we all enjoy hiking. But that requires some timing around meals/hottest part of the day/darkness. Also not something I feel safe doing by myself. When we do get out, my husband repeatedly sats, “We should do this more often.” Which we would, if our schedules weren’t so incompatible.

        1. fposte*

          Do you know the economic theory of revealed preference? It’s when people show what they really want by what they do.

          Your family likes hiking, but they don’t like it enough to get themselves up in the morning. If you don’t like it enough to do the extra work of getting people up and out (I wouldn’t), I’d put a pause on the summer family hikes. You can look for a hiking group or buddy that you can join to do your own hikes until schedules or temperatures make it possible to pick up family hikes again. Maybe that’ll make spouse and kid realize they could get it together if they want to join you or maybe not, but at least this way you don’t have to sacrifice your hike to their lesser enthusiasm.

        2. Sloanicota*

          Hiking, at least in summer if you live somewhere hot, would depend for me on if your husband was willing and able to get up and at ’em in time to hit the trails (*without* complaining about the hour) or not. If he is, the two of you can go and the teen is invited if s/he wishes to come but can also stay home and sleep in. If he’s not, and you’re not willing to go alone, then perhaps hiking is better in winter/fall for now. It also requires a bit of honesty: do you *really* need to hit the trails at 7 or 8 AM to have an enjoyable day, or would you just prefer it? Does husband agree, or does he think a hike that starts at 9 or 10 is also worth doing? Can you trade off maybe, or otherwise split the difference?

        3. Saturday*

          What about evening hikes? My partner and I have opposing schedules, and this works for us in the summer when the days are long. Plus, as a bonus, everything is less crowded.

    4. Irish Teacher.*

      Can your teen just have lunch as their first meal of the day? I live with my mum, who is like you whereas I am more like your husband, so in the summer holidays (when working, I have to get up early), I generally just don’t have breakfast and just have lunch with her at 12:30.

      1. dark purple blues*

        that’s an excellent compromise! also, very sweet, at least in my imagination

      2. Myrin*

        Yeah, my sister does this basically every day she doesn’t have to get up early for work and it’s no problem at all.

    5. Still*

      I’m sorry, this isn’t what you asked, but this part really jumped out at me: “Part of my exhaustion is having to get my teen to school on weekdays”. What does that mean? If your kid is at least thirteen, I would really expect them to reliably get up for school by themselves and be able to grab their own breakfast, unless you’re making a family breakfast anyway. They might need to be dropped off if they can’t get to school by themselves, but in that case they should still be up and ready to go when it’s time to leave. It sounds to me like you might be taking on a lot of responsibility for things that other family members should care about and be handling by themselves. Is there any way you can give some of that responsibility back to them?

      1. Rara Avis*

        No — my kiddo really can’t get themselves up — they have a true night owl rhythm, and getting up 6:30 is just cruel. But they don’t go to a neighborhood school, and they have no other transportation option than leaving with me, and if we don’t get out the door at 7 I’m late for work. I would like to have them live with natural consequences, but then we’d be facing truancy issues, and they would fall into a depression/anxiety spiral, so we’re stuck with me getting them up. My husband is pretty much time-blind, but he handles getting to work. (Or not — he got written up more than once at a coverage-based job.) We have come awfully close to missing plane flights etc. when I’ve tried to back off.

        1. allathian*

          I’m not about to armchair diagnose anyone, just commenting that many of the expectations that apply to NT kids go out the window when you’re dealing with something more fundamental than simply an age-related delay in circadian rhythms. And not all teens get those. Granted, I’m perimenopausal now and routinely get up by 5 on weekdays, but I don’t remember ever having any trouble getting up early for school even in my teens, and my 15-year-old seems to be the same way.

          A key to even a modicum of success in adjusting circadian rhythms is consistency. Your kid shouldn’t sleep in even on the weekend, as cruel as that sounds. Doing so means they’re back where they started on Monday morning. The world is a cruel place when your circadian rhythms don’t match what society expects.

        2. Still*

          Oh, that sounds really tough! If it’s this much of a struggle just to get to school/work, I would completely give up on family activities in the morning.

        3. MeepMeep123*

          As a night-owl myself, I feel for your teenager. I lived with that kind of schedule when I was a teenager. I was always always always sleep deprived, and brain-fogged, and exhausted. At the age of 19 or so, I fell asleep behind the wheel, drove through a red light, and crashed into a Mack truck. Thankfully, everyone was OK, but I do want to highlight this – going against a teenager’s natural circadian rhythm is dangerous, and chronic sleep deprivation can and does kill. Literally.

      2. Annie*

        For the school thing, to me it sounds like a case of, “If Teen isn’t forced to wake up by Mom in time for school, Teen will never wake up in time because of the beast that is the teen sleep cycle, and both Teen and Mom will get in Big Trouble with the school for being late”.

        1. UKDancer*

          Yeah I was the same as a teen. I could sleep all morning if not interrupted. So Mum made sure I was up and ready to walk to school before she left for work. Otherwise I’d have slept until midday.

          I am still not a massive morning person but I have had to get up early regularly so I have learned to do it.

  46. Emily Elizabeth*

    Talk to me about (digital) photo storage! I don’t consider myself “tech-y” and have kept kicking this problem down the road, but my Google storage is now full from my Google Photos. I have through different phones/devices ended up with big backups to both iCloud and Google Photos, and I have a staggering number of photos on my iPhone, and I don’t know how to go about separating/organizing/deleting or knowing what’s duplicate. Should I have any hard drive storage? Has anyone done a photo organization project and is willing to share their tips and methods? Thank you!

    1. Snoozing not schmoozing*

      I recently downloaded a ton of pictures to my PC and then deleted them off Google Cloud. Now the daunting task of organizing them! But I used the PC for years for photo storage, so all it will really take is shifting the downloads to new, similar folders and subfolders. I organize folders by year, most subfolders by month and others by topic, like special occasions or vacations. For some vacations with a lot of pictures, I’ll make sub-subfolders labeled by date and location (most of our vacations are wandering road trips). Good luck!

    2. Emily Byrd Starr*

      You can purchase more storage to your phone. You sign up once, and then they automatically charge you each month. I can’t remember the price, but it’s very reasonable and well worth it.

    3. Anonymous Educator*

      I’d recommend a local RAID drive and then some kind of unlimited cloud backup program like Backblaze. Google Photos and iCloud storage get way too expensive way too fast.

    4. Weekend At AAM*

      Go buy yourself a couple of external hard drives, making sure they’re big enough for each cloud file. Get one for each place in the cloud your photos are, and download them onto separate drives. Use two monitors (you can buy second hand monitors for $25 on Craigslist.) Plug in two of the hard drives (probably icloud and iphone first). Open each file, viewing them on separate monitors, and sort by date and size, or whatever is most distinctive. It should be fairly easy to spot the duplicates between your iphone and your icloud account. When you’re finished de-duping, open up the Google file and do the same thing.

      1. Weekend At AAM*

        By “open each file” I mean the harddrive folder that contains the photos; I do NOT mean opening each individual photo! I was unclear.

    5. keke*

      Chiming in here to say there are applications that will find and remove duplicate files so you don’t have to do that manually. This will be a real time saver for a project this big.

    6. BikeWalkBarb*

      Sympathy only, not much advice because I’m as backlogged as you are. I have various folders on my laptop named things like “photos from phone to sort 2013”.

      I have photos saved in my Verizon account, in Google Photos, in OneDrive, and in Dropbox. It’s ludicrous.

      I’ve been doing a small thing that helps but doesn’t solve. When I’m someplace with time on my hands like riding the bus, I go through and delete photos I took for a particular need, like the screenshot of my boarding pass for a flight. I think of this as whacking the underbrush.

      I’m definitely going to work on this on my laptop, not my phone, for the big sorting. The decision-making labor may be my biggest personal barrier and I’ve decided I’m going to move quickly, not linger on the photos. If I have 5 versions of something I’ll pick the best and delete the others. If I’m not looking at them anyway, which is the case, I’m not going to miss the other 4 one bit. If I can’t remember why I took it I’ll delete it without stopping to try to remember. This feels like something I can do while I watch TV if it’s something that doesn’t really require deep attention.

      Thanks for asking this–you’re re-inspiring me to tackle this.

  47. Emily Byrd Starr*

    My husband, “Jay,” has recently become interested in Cape Verdean culture, as there is a large Cape Verdean population in a nearby city where he volunteers twice a month. It just so happens that I have a casual acquaintance, “Dee,” who is a recent immigrant from Cape Verde. He takes the same train to work as I do, and we get off at the same stop. He’s very friendly, and we often chat as we’re getting off the train in the morning or waiting for the train in the afternoon. Would it be appropriate for me to tell Dee about Jay’s interest in his culture? Perhaps introduce Dee to my husband, maybe invite him over for dinner so that Jay can learn about Cape Verde from Dee?
    Or is Dee likely to have the attitude of “I don’t exist to educate you Americans about my culture,” as I understand some minorities do? While I can understand why a Black person wouldn’t want their White co-worker to educate them about BLM, I also know some minorities who are honored by people who are interested in their culture, and welcome the opportunity to share his culture. After all, Dee made the choice to move to a foreign country with he knew he would be a minority, and he might appreciate the opportunity and see it as a gesture of welcoming him to our country. Maybe I could just casually mention to Dee that my husband is interested in Cape Verdean culture, and see how he responds? If Dee says, “Oh, wow, I’d like to talk to him,” then take it from there; but if he doesn’t seem interested, then drop it?

    1. Not A Manager*

      This is tricky. There’s something that sounds a little bit “you people” in the idea of inviting someone over specifically so that they can teach you about their culture. If you like Dee, invite him over because you like him. If you don’t like him enough to invite him over to dinner, then don’t invite just because of his country of origin.

      I do think there’s room to mention your husband’s interest *if* it comes up organically. Like, for example, if Dee mentions something and you can follow up on it because you heard about it from your husband. That’s a nice organic place to mention your husband’s interest. I personally would say that he’s been “reading about” Cape Verde, which for some reason resonates better for me than “interested in the culture,” I’m not sure why.

      1. Sloanicota*

        Agree that “interested in the culture” or “teach my husband” might come across a bit wrong, whereas “we’d love to have you join us for dinner” is good and perhaps your husband’s volunteer work can come up organically.

    2. Dark Macadamia*

      Would you invite someone else with the same level of acquaintanceship to dinner? Would you invite Dee (based on personality, common interests, etc) if he wasn’t Cape Verdean? I’m sure you mean well, but the fact that you explicitly say you want to invite him over to provide a free education rather than to help him feel welcome in your country, get to know him (and his family?) better, or because you get along so well … doesn’t come across so great.

      I don’t think there’s anything wrong with mentioning the volunteering, but be aware that might be really uncomfortable for Dee depending on your husband’s role (does he work side by side with Cape Verdeans, like helping with the landscaping at a cultural center, or are they recipients of a service like free food or legal help?) I think you should be clear with yourself whether you’re looking at this relationship as a networking opportunity versus a friendship you want to nurture (with the culture thing as an interesting bonus) before acting further.

      1. Emily Byrd Starr*

        1. My husband does not provide charitable services to people (Cape Verdean or otherwise) at his volunteer place. He volunteers at a museum based on one of the city’s largest industries, and this particular industry has drawn many Cape Verdeans to the city. Dee does not live in this city, but in another city nearby.
        2. Truth is, I’ve been wanting to get to know Dee better, but I’m not sure how I (a married woman) could go about it without going him the wrong idea, or leading somewhere that it shouldn’t go. So I thought that my husband’s interest in Dee’s country of origin would give me the opportunity I’d been hoping for.

        1. Ali + Nino*

          Ooh good point. Is Dee married/partnered? Inviting a couple/family over for a meal sounds more natural, I think.
          Re: asking about Dee’s culture, as a member of a minority in my country, I agree saying your husband has been reading about it sounds good. If someone indicated interest in my culture I would take this as a compliment. I think the best way to go would be asking Dee if he has any recommendations for further information (e.g., websites, events. cultural associations, etc.). That way you and your husband can explore without “burdening” Dee – and if he wants to invite you to an event or something there’s an organic opening in the conversation for it.

          1. Emily Byrd Starr*

            “Ask Dee if he has any recommendations for further information (e.g., websites, events. cultural associations, etc.). That way you and your husband can explore without “burdening” Dee – and if he wants to invite you to an event or something there’s an organic opening in the conversation for it.”
            That sounds perfect! I’ll do that.

        2. Reba*

          “my husband and I are having a few folks over to dinner. Would you like to come? Great! I was thinking [food]– is there anything you’d like to eat or you don’t eat?”

          No special interest is needed. Leave his nationality and culture out of it and see if you all hit it off as friends. If he’s new to your area, helping him meet more other people is also a kindness.

        3. UKDancer*

          Invite him over for dinner with you and your husband if you want to invite him for dinner and think he’d be good company. If he’s on his own in a strange land, a home cooked meal might be nice.

          If you’re worried about it being misinterpreted, make it clear that it’s with you and your husband and maybe invite a couple of other people and include Dee’s partner (if he has one). But invite him because you want to invite him personally, and not because he’s a walking example of Cap Verdean culture or an educational tool / party turn.

          When I was young and my father was a mature student, he hung around with the international students (often from Malaysia or China) and brought them home with him for dinner sometimes because they were far from home and missed home cooking. They talked about their culture sometimes but it was always an organic conversation. In exchange they took him to Chinese / Malaysian restaurants he’d never have visited on his own and broadened his palate. It worked because it was a reciprocal friendship.

          1. Llama face!*

            Seconding this:
            “But invite him because you want to invite him personally, and not because he’s a walking example of Cap Verdean culture or an educational tool / party turn.”

  48. Cheezmouser*

    There’s a man who parks in front of our condo every day, often multiple times a day, and smokes on the sidewalk. My guess is that he lives in a condo nearby but isn’t allowed to smoke at home, so he drives a little ways away and smokes outside. The problem is that a little ways away from his condo is right in front of mine. I have three young children, including a baby with congenital health issues, and I don’t want them exposed to secondhand smoke. Should I confront this person and ask him to smoke elsewhere? I hate confrontation, and technically he’s on a public sidewalk so he is allowed to smoke there. I just hate having to call my kids to go inside when I see him outside or closing all the windows when I smell the smoke coming in. Any advice?

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      “Hey, your smoke is coming right in my windows and my baby has lung issues. Do you mind (moving down a ways, driving another block, whatever)?” As long as you don’t get an aggressive tone and sound angry, this isn’t a confrontation, it’s a polite and reasonable request.

    2. Maryn*

      Does it need to be confrontational? I think that if he’s willing to drive a short way to smoke on a public sidewalk (rather than defy the rules), he’s probably willing to drive one or two more houses down because you have a baby for whom second-hand smoke poses a risk. Bring him a cupcake and ask nicely.

    3. Sloanicota*

      It can be hard for me to be direct with people, but if it were me, I’d probably say something like, “I’m so sorry, but I’m very sensitive to smoke, and my baby has some lung problems, could I ask you to please smoke across the street (or wherever)?” Most people would say I “shouldn’t” apologize but as you say, it’s a public sidewalk so I’m basically asking for a favor, and this is something I could spit out versus not ever saying anything.

  49. tangerineRose*

    Suggestions on how to find a handyman/woman or contractor or someone similar who can work on stuff that looks simple but that I’m sure I’ll mess up if I do it myself? And the not-so-simple stuff. Is Angi (formerly Angie’s List) still any good? I’ve asked friends. At least once someone recommended by friends did a terrible job.

    1. Workerbee*

      Neighborhood groups on Facebook and the Next Door app. I don’t trust Angi either.

    2. Ricotta*

      Angi is awful now. I joined NextDoor specifically for this reason.

      Another method that’s worked well for me is asking for a referral at my local Ace Hardware, which is locally-owned franchise, rather than a big-box store like HD or Lowes. They know which contractors are buying the high-quality source materials (and paying for them on time and in full) and how much business they’re getting. I’ve gotten great suggestions for plumbing and for someone to replace my front door.

      1. LLH*

        I’ve had such good luck with Thumbtack, that’s where I found my current handyman. NextDoor could be good but in my area when someone asks for a recommendation like that, it’s not other homeowners giving a reco- it’s people replying with their business info that usually has no online presence to check reviews or a website. I like Thumbtack because of the reviews.

  51. HannahS*

    Parents/caregivers of young kids, any tips for getting a toddler to drink more?

    We’ve tried fun water bottles, a variety of cups, watery food (we cannot live on watermelon alone,) soup every day (way too much work for me), and allowing more juice and milk than I really feel comfortable with. The only thing that works is literally holding a cup up the my 2 y/o’s lips intermittently during meals. Nagging sometimes works too, but it’s annoying for all of us. Anything I’m not thinking of?

    (a) Yes she really does need to drink more b) Yes all appropriate medical steps have been take c) No there is nothing else at play except she just inexplicably doesn’t want to drink much)

    1. Not A Manager*

      How about what works for adults?

      – A calibrated bottle that she can fill up and drink down over time, with a small reward at the end.
      – Flavoring the water with lightly crushed fruit. If you’re worried about the fruit in the water, I see Amazon has some water bottles with built-in fruit strainers.
      – Starting a meal by drinking a glass of water (adjust for her size).

      I would let her fill the bottle/choose and crush the fruit herself, and I’d institute the “drink a glass of water before meals” for adults, too. Eating isn’t a race, but drinking one’s water might be.

        1. Two cents*

          Yes, my idea would be to attach water drinking to getting something, either as a reward or as a gate to getting what the kid wants. So, kid wants stickers? Drink some water first. Kid wants you to come now? Drink some water, then I’ll come.

          Another option would be to try to build it in to your routines. We’re going upstairs (or whatever)? Take a sip of water at the bottom and the top. Every time. We are reading a book? Sip of water at the beginning and end. Every time.

          Increase availability, too. Have cups all over the house. Looks messy, but then the convenience barrier is gone.

          I guess I would also try to push water earlier in the day, as in not when the kid is tired. Bedtime/naptime is hard enough as it is.

      2. Two cents*

        I don’t recommend drinking water as a race. My toddler liked to drink fast sometimes, would drink in enormous gulps very quickly and swallow a lot of air in the possess. The result was 3 2 1 throw up…

        Our daycare had a policy of starting lunch with a cup of water or unsweetened kids tea. Everyone had to drink it.

    2. Flower*

      I wasn’t able to drink much fluid for a while. My doctor suggested jello and sugar free popsicles.

      1. HannahS*

        Hmm, she’s never had Jello but I do have some gelatin and some agar powder around. Will try!

    3. Anono-me*

      Popsicles? Slashes? Snowcones? You can make your own to address the sugar level. (I like freezing watermelon chunks and throwing them in the blender with a little bit of frozen limeade concentrate. )

      You could ask an expert about caffeine free ‘teas’ like mint or orange peal. (I am NOT suggesting anything with caffeine nor herbal remedies.)

      Also, maybe your little one is fussy about the temperature. I really only like to drink plain water if it is very very cold or room temperature. Someone else only drank it super hot.

    4. BellaStella*

      Most of my family members do not like water and do not drink enough including me. It is odd I know but I think relates to the treatments in the water in various cities where we all live. Agree on comments below for making fun flavoured water filled drinks with watermelon etc. I use a vitamin fizzy tablet daily for a 16 oz glass of water in the morning, and I drink a lot of bubbly water with lime slices. Also freezing ice cubes of fruit to add to bubble water is a nice treat too. Good luck!

    5. AGD*

      This was me for my entire childhood. I still don’t really know how to explain it. For the most part I was an obedient kid, but I resisted all the urging about water. I really didn’t like the (lack of) taste or the sensation, and I can tell it still bugs me. All this meant that I was dependent on fruit juice until I discovered tea, but because the adults in the house only drank coffee, that didn’t happen until I was about 14. It might be worth trying herbal/fruit infusions, to avoid the caffeine? If I’d realized I could have had ‘water, but tastes like peppermint’ or ‘water, but tastes like some flowers,’ I think that would have helped. It certainly would have cut down on the dizzying amount of sugar that I’m sure I consumed with all that fruit juice.

      1. OaDC*

        That reminded me that drinking water wasn’t that much of a thing when I was a kid. We had oj for breakfast, milk with meals and sometimes Kool-Aid in the afternoon, but I really don’t remember drinking much water. I still don’t, it’s hard for me to drink something that has no taste. Still alive and kicking, though.

    6. Double A*

      You may already do this, but what about watering down the milk and juice?

      Also, will she drink smoothies?

    7. Observer*

      and allowing more juice and milk than I really feel comfortable with

      If she likes juice, dilute it. You can get quite a bit of mileage out of that.

      Also, there are plenty of soups that are easy to make or that you can make in batches and then freeze.

      Ice pops, in warm weather. They don’t need to be as flavored as drinks for kids to enjoy them. (And if you have something like fruit soup on your list, you can turn that into pops as well.)

    8. Jay (no, the other one)*

      Foods that are mostly water: watermelon, cucumbers, tomatoes, grapes (cut up, of course). Frozen chunks of the same things.

  52. vombatus ursinus*

    I might be a bit late in the weekend to get many responses, but hoping to start a thread on ‘what do parents of small kids wish their child-free friends knew about being welcoming to their kids when they’re hanging out?’ …

    I’m happily child-free but getting to the age where more of my close friends have small kids. I want to do the right thing and help them and their kids feel comfortable (and safe!), but I just feel really clueless about all the ‘common sense’ that parents pick up. I’m just not interested in having kids myself so I’ve never learned much about it.

    (What’s specifically sparked this is a friend wanting to bring her toddler to a small afternoon gathering that I’m hosting — I’m more than happy for this to happen, but I’ve just never had a kid at my parties before! Another time recently I had to Google at what age babies can sit in a high chair …)

    So, what should I know that seems obvious when you’re a a parent, but that you wouldn’t have thought of before you had kids?

    1. Onwards and Forth*

      Depending on age, have a “safe”** area that the kid can play in, in eyesight of the parent if they are talking to others in the general party space.

      This could either mean that the wider party area is safe and you put some toys in the corner for the kids to play with, in eyesight of the parent, or that there’s a mat / enclosure / similar.

      Bonus: simple distractions (eg paper and crayons, things to build with, a ball) and kid-friendly snack options – a special snack plate or lunchbox of their own would be amazing!

      For a parent, having a toddler at a party tends to mean following them around to make sure they don’t break anything, being asked for food, or them wanting stimulation “look at me / look at this,” so the more you can create an environment where those 3 things are less likely and I can actually have a human adult conversation and I will be eternally grateful.

      ** safe = an area that is fenced off / closed off / inescapable so that the kid can’t get to the road or anything breakable or precious without an adult letting them through. Move anything at kid-friendly heights that you don’t want touched away – they will want to touch / move everything and it means as a parent you’re on high alert.

      Re: toys/food/etc., we’re all generally used to bringing our own toys/food/changes of clothes etc, but it’s nice to have things that are different and exciting, as they provide additional distraction time!

      1. Sloanicota*

        I had great results bringing bubbles to a picnic for the kids. They loved it and all ages were happy to play together with the bubbles without too much supervision (as long as there’s enough wands for everyone. I also had some non-gun-looking-bubble-guns even very little kids could use on their own once they were filled).

    2. yeep*

      My kids are older now, but we had kids first of our friend groups so we are still somewhat in this stage of life with their younger children.

      The biggest thing for all of us is timing of events. The best case scenario for a get-together is having the guests arrive late afternoon (after naptime) and then leave shortly after dinner to get everyone home in time for bed.

      Everything Onwards and Forth says below is also gold. Also keep in mind that even “good” kids can break things, spill things, have accidents, etc., so keep your cleaning supplies handy and don’t let anything priceless be within reach.

      If there are babies/kids under 2, a quiet place for nursing or diaper changes is really nice to have.

    3. WellRed*

      As an also child free person, I want to tell you not to overthink it! The other advice is spot on. Just be welcoming and it’s ok to ask your friend if there’s anything you can do (ask ahead) to make this go more smoothly. I agreee parents will bring your and snacks but it never hurts to have something on hand.

    4. Jay*

      I went through that a number of years ago. Most of my friends’ children are closing in on collage, or already there, but it was fairly common for someone to bring the kid over for game night/movie night/what have you.
      Do sweeps of any areas that the kids even MIGHT wander into for things like mouse or insect traps or baits.
      Put covers on all electrical outlets.
      Move any furniture that a child that age can topple over (tall, narrow stands/side tables, etc.).
      Look for anything with really sharp corners that a child can hurt themselves on if they run into them at full speed.
      In my experience with hosting my friends and their children, running at full speed into sharp or wobbly objects is every child’s most beloved activity. Followed closely by eating things off the floor that are deeply toxic.
      A good rule of thumb is, if they CAN injure themselves with it, they WILL injure themselves with it. If they CAN’T injure themselves with it, they will break it and then injure themselves with the pieces of it.
      Just assume that you are dealing with a hoard of tiny, hyperactive Steve O’s and you will be fine.

      1. allathian*

        That really depends on the kid, though. Our home was obviously kid safe when our son was a baby and toddler, but when we visited our friends, all he ever wanted to do was to sit on my lap until he was about three. Even then he was a bit slow to warm up to the other kids, and he was often just getting into playing with other kids when it was time for us to leave. But regardless of age, he never tried to do anything not explicitly allowed when we were guests in other people’s homes.

        So he sat on my lap, and I admit it, I let him play with my phone when he got a bit restless. Only a few minutes at a time, mind. His favorite was a paint by numbers game, and that’s when I realized that he could read single-digit numbers when he was a few months short of two years old, because he didn’t pick the colors randomly. (Math is his strongest academic subject, and when he was barely three and we went to the grocery store after work/daycare, he asked if we could buy six croissants. I scolded him a bit for being greedy, but he said they weren’t all for him, that we’d get two for him, two for Mommy and two for Daddy. Readers, I bought the croissants…)

        1. dark purple blues*

          aww, as a mathematician, this warms my heart! of course you bought hi the croissants.

    5. Not A Manager*

      I have two kids, two step-kids, and a bunch of next-gen descendants. I will tell you that there is no generically useful advice regarding “small kids,” “welcoming,” and “hanging out.” Individual kids’ needs change quickly over a short period of time, different kids of the exact same age have different needs, and different parents have different preferences. Even parents of small children often can’t predict what their child’s needs will be in the near future, and if they are entertaining other families, they still have to find out every family’s preferences separately.

      My advice is just to ask the parents in advance what would make the event easier for them.

      Very general advice that applies to a variety of ages:

      – Remove small breakables from reach, and push small obstacles to the edges of the room
      – Warn parents about unstable furniture, like bookcases that are not anchored to the wall
      – Designate a separate space that is acceptable for parent & child to retreat to for private cuddles, soothing, reading, etc. If the child needs to nap, the parents will bring safety equipment if it’s needed, but many kids will be of an age to curl up in a spare bed or on a floor pillow
      – If you regularly have small children visit, they will very much appreciate a small step stool for reaching the toilet and the sink
      – Have box with a few old-fashioned, analog toys. Wood alphabet blocks, small musical toys like bells or shakers, puzzles with large chunky pieces.
      – Have a small assortment of non-trendy kids books for roughly different ages.
      – Offer some broadly-acceptable, non-trendy snacks and drinks

      The reason I suggest “non trendy” is that you will never meet the exact threshold of what the child loves/feels comfortable with at home. When you’re a little bit off kids can have an uncanny valley response, whereas when it’s a new (to them) offering, sometimes that’s intriguing, especially in a different environment. Also their parents will bring the favored toys and treats with them.

    6. Falling Diphthong*

      I will give a heads-up about small food aka choking hazards. Before I had kids, “don’t give them nuts, or whole grapes” just wasn’t obvious: those are healthy foods, right? Sliced circles of hot dog are a choking hazard because, like grapes, they are circular and soft and so really good at blocking a tube.

      For the specific case, I’d check with the friend about whether you should have something specific or if she just wants to bring food for tot. Fishy crackers are good bets. (Our first dog loved toddlers because she associated them with a little trail of goldfish crackers or cheerios.)

    7. Bluejay*

      We have the opposite of this, in that we’re the first to have kids! Things a that have been hard:
      – timing. If possible, let parents pick the timing. At the moment we can do an 11am brunch with basically no issues, anything 1-4 is impossible unless at our house when it’s great, 4-6 is theoretically fine but high unpredictable meltdowns, 6-8 is no good, 8-on is fine but we’ll need a sitter. But this changed all the time! So if you can be flexible on time, ask them when suits
      – I love invites that are either explicitly kid friendly, or explicitly not. So like, “do you want to come to this child friendly brunch with the kids?” Or “do you want to get a sitter and join for dinner and a show?”. The in between is more stressful (are the girls invited to brunch too? Could it be an hour earlier if so? As I being annoying to everyone else by asking?)
      – I think that toddlers are mostly the hardest age. Babies will come along for the ride (although especially for first time parents they are stressful and you are tired) and older kids can hang.
      – safe space is great as others say
      – kids are very noise sensitive. Loud dining room with background music will totally overwhelm mine so if there’s a quiet space or outdoors option that I can see them in, amazing

    8. Generic Name*

      When my son was little, the main issues visiting other people’s houses was people with no small children have breakable stuff everywhere and often don’t have plastic cups/plates. Crawl around on your hands and knees and take note of anything that could be broken. Stuff on lower shelves and coffee tables are all fair game. Even if you “reassure” the parents that there’s nothing valuable and not to worry, the parents are worrying that their child will get cut on broken glass.

    9. Observer*

      So, what should I know that seems obvious when you’re a a parent, but that you wouldn’t have thought of before you had kids?

      If it’s physically possible for you, get down to the level that the kids are on – so maybe on your knees or even crawling – to see what’s on eye level. Go through the space the could conceivably get to, and see what you “see” (differently than you see it at normal standing and sitting height.)

    10. BikeWalkBarb*

      No one mentioned electrical outlets. Either you buy plug protectors or your friends bring them every time.

      If you’re going to have kids over often consider whether you want to have a gate for the top of stairs, if you have any, and whether to install cupboard latches. All poisonous substances need to go into high cupboards if you don’t latch the cupboards.

      If you have any beloved breakables put them away, meaning not in a low cupboard.

      Depending on toddler age anticipate they’re smart and agile enough to pull drawers out and create a ladder up to the counter height. They’re crafty :D .

      If you have heavy bookcases you haven’t secured to the walls that’s a tipping hazard for you too. This is going to send like a lot of prep but you don’t want a child pulling a bookcase down on top of themselves or anyone else.

  53. Frazzled mom*

    My child went through a long EEG after a series of suspected seizures and while they’re getting the help they need from an amazing health team, I feel really frazzled. Besides tetris what else can I do to help my brain cope (in addition to therapy, strong network of friends)?

    1. Roland*

      Some kind of scheduled physical activity perhaps? I find yoga or dance classes are really good for helping me focus on the moment, either by encouraging introspection or just by being intense enough that I don’t have brainpower to worry. Even a nice walk somewhere green can be very soothing.

      Sending well-wishes your way!

      1. allathian*

        Seconding calming exercise. My favorite’s Tai Chi, because unlike yoga or pilates, you don’t need to get down on the floor. I haven’t been able to go since March 2020 and it’s the one thing I miss from my pre-pandemic life.

    2. Generic Name*

      I downloaded the app Happy Color during the pandemic. It’s a coloring book app. Totally mindless and very satisfying. I paid $8 for the ad free version, and it’s been totally worth it.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I love this app; I was just on it. My late friend turned me on to it.
        I didn’t think the ad-free was actually ad-free, though.

    3. Bluebell Brenham*

      Breathing exercises are good for me because then I’m concentrating on breathing. And I’ve learned to avoid watching medical tv shows. Too much what if for me.

  54. Diane*

    my kid is graduating 8th grade this week…and I have no idea where the last 14 years have gone….anyone else feel like you’re in a time warp???

    1. Jay*

      I keep trying to explain to my parents that my nephew is obviously NOT graduating high school. I very distinctly remember him being nine, maybe ten.
      I can only assume that I am being gaslit for some sinister purpose.
      My folks have another explanation, but it’s so ridiculous I’m not even going to justify it with a mention here ;)

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        My nephew also just graduated and my oldest niece is starting her sophomore college year; THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE. THEY ARE BOTH TEN.

    3. Bluebell Brenham*

      My kid’s former bedroom is now a study and sometimes I flashback to the days before that room was hers, and vividly remember thinking “wow there will be a kid sleeping in that room“ and it seems like only last week!

    3. Pretty as a Princess*

      My experience doing this in the gallery of an Oktoberfest tent in Munich is one of my all time favorite random life experiences!

  56. Bluebell Brenham*

    Dithering on whether to cancel a dinner date, any advice? This is someone who I was close to decades ago, but we had drifted apart and usually only saw each other when my husband and I hosted parties. the last time I saw her was pre-Covid. at that point she went on for about an hour during a coffee and barely asked me how I was doing. at that time I had just gone through some super significant health things, but I couldn’t get a breath in edgewise, Plus she also ended up on the phone with her college age son during our coffee (he was about to take a big test) After that get together, she kind of disappeared. I text her happy birthday once a year, but that’s it. Several weeks ago she texted me to ask if we wanted to have dinner with our husbands. I was polite and said yes, but tonight’s the dinner, and I’m sort of dreading it. I don’t want to officially not be her friend, but don’t want to start regularly getting together with her. Thoughts?

    1. Double A*

      People on the Internet will be quick to tell you to end a relationship that isn’t entirely fulfilling you, but personally I think it’s worth investing a dinner once every several years to maintain a decades long friendship even if that’s shading into acquaintance. People who have known you for decades are not a renewable resource. Maybe your last visit wasn’t representative of the whole arc of the relationship. It’s been at least five years, right?

      If she doesn’t ask about you, then tell her what you want her to know.

      1. Bluebell Brenham*

        Thanks- this is a great point. Sometime over the last month I read the quote ”you can’t make new old friends” we will see what happens.

      1. Bluebell Brenham*

        Yes, I am really glad my husband will be there. I’m not always a huge fan of her husband, but he’s not awful.

    3. Not A Manager*

      I’m sorry, you committed to this dinner, which is *tonight.* You’re not sick and the President didn’t just invite you to the White House. Honor your commitment, and next time, decline if you don’t want to go. It’s not “polite” to agree to something you don’t want to do, and then renege at the last minute.

    4. Shutterdoula*

      My first thought was – prepare to be pitched an MLM “opportunity” disguised as either insurance, mentoring, or coaching. When old friends resurface in my life, I’ve taken to flat out saying “I’d love to catch up, but if you’re hoping to pitch me anything I’ll take a pass.” and they respond with something like “Please just hear me out, this has been life-changing for me!”
      HARD PASS.

      1. Bluebell Brenham*

        Nope, and since it’s with her husband, it’s probably not a divorce announcement, though they’ve had a problematic relationship for years. And I don’t think it’s the discovery of a new religion either :)

    5. Jay*

      I think it was last weekend?
      We had someone with the opposite problem asking for the opposite advice.
      Someone honestly looking to reconnect with an old friend that they lost touch with.
      So it may very well be completely honest.
      Someone who took a look at their lives and realized they had let go of people that they really shouldn’t have.

    6. office hobbit*

      One dinner isn’t a commitment to start seeing her regularly again. As others have said, I would go and prepare to be pleasantly surprised by a nice time. You can decide from there how much to continue seeing her. If her tendency to monopolize conversation is tempered in a small group, maybe you can make sure any future get togethers include your husbands or another friend.

      1. Bluebell Brenham*

        In the past they always came to large parties we hosted, with the unfortunate tendency of staying past the end of them, so I was usually fine to sip whatever drink while I nodded and listened to what she was doing. Am hoping for the best, though trying to keep expectations low.

    7. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      Too late to cancel now. You could have declined weeks ago, you can’t decline day of without being an AH. So go and make the best of it. Restaurant dinners are usually under 2 hours anyway.

    8. Falling Diphthong*

      a) Worst case scenario you have a dinner and add more evidence you’ve grown apart. That seems a small risk, especially when the other outcomes are more pleasant. (e.g. you conclude that coffee was a weird one-off, rather than how she shall be forever.)

      b) You committed to dinner and should do that. It’s rude to have people commit to plans on your behalf and then bail last minute–they would have made other plans themselves if you’d bailed back at the planning stages.

      c) For the kid call, while I could see a version where it happens frequently and the kid needs better coping skills, much more common is to rarely speak to your college student on the phone, and so “Mom, I’m freaking out, I just know I am going to blow this test and fail this class and thus destroy my entire plan for my life” is a rare one off freakout that you should, as a parent, try to drop other things to talk this very close and very inexperienced family member through.

      1. Bluebell Brenham*

        Weirdly, my friends/family who have daughters are on the “call multiple times a day” schedule but if I’m with them, the friend/family member usually makes it short. Now that her kiddo is post college, I’m expecting no call. Hoping things go well, and I’ve appreciated the commentariat advice.

    9. Busy Middle Manager*

      Go, mentally focus on the food, order something you like but hate cooking

      Also as I got older, my standards for socializing have gotten lower. I don’t think anyone does it correctly. Also someone who talks about themselves too much can be a relief in some cases. Think about the alternative, someone who rapid fires questions at you!

      Another thing I noticed is that people often complain about someone talking about themselves too much, as if that’s the worse social faux pas. It actually isn’t! For example, some people here focus purely on social status and social climbing type stuff way too much, “I was in Palm Beach last week, tomorrow my producer friend from LA is coming and we’re seeing Les Mis…have you ever gotten a table at Cocos?”

      Gag me, much rather have someone I knew from years ago yammer on about their kid:-/

  57. my Kindle e-book problem*

    Yikes, my Kindle e-book that I read on my Windows laptop in Firefox has lost its go-to menu and its page numbers. I can’t pull up the Table of Contents and can’t jump back to a previous page. How can I get that functionality back???

    1. Jay*

      What always works for me with my Kindle App books is to remove them from the library and then redownload them.

      1. my Kindle e-book problem*

        This is happening with the other books in my Kindle library, not just this book. (At least all the ones I checked.)

    2. YNWA*

      I’d contact Amazon’s customer service and see what they say. Have you tried it in a different browser? Firefox has just done a ton of updating and maybe this is a short circuit they’re not aware of.

    3. my Kindle e-book problem*

      I guess it’s a Firefox issue, because I got into my Kindle library on Bing and the missing functions were all there. Thank you for suggesting that, YNWA, as it wouldn’t have occurred to me. Btw, there is probably a way to contact amazon.com about this but I couldn’t find a way on their website and didn’t want to jump into their automated phone-us swamp.

    4. Dancing Otter*

      If you’re using the Kindle app, check if there’s an update available. Despite the “automatic updates” setting, I have one or two games that still have to be manually updated. (iOS, not Windows)

      1. Elizabeth West*

        My app just updated today — it probably needs that. I couldn’t open my library until it did.

  58. Elizabeth West*

    Late! But I forgot about this until just now.

    We’re having a work potluck this week to celebrate summer, and I need some rough ideas of what to bring. We have a stupidly narrow fridge and two microwaves at work. I have no idea what to take, and I’m not sure I want to do a dessert since most potlucks seem to have a disproportionate amount of those. I don’t have a cake holder or large cake pan anyway, although I could get a foil pan at the grocery, I guess.

    There doesn’t seem to be a sign-up sheet; it was just an email saying “Bring your favorite summer dish!” It also has to be something that can endure an hour of public transport.

    Any suggestions? Thanks in advance!

      1. IT Manager*

        Veggies and dip. The cut veggies can be in ziploc bags for easy transport and only the dip needs to go in the small fridge all day. Ppl love to have nibbles and it’s nice to have something that’s not sugary.

        1. ImOnlyHereForThePoetry*

          Or fruit
          Fruit salad
          Watermelon – cut in advance or take a cutting board and a knife

          1. Elizabeth West*

            Oooh yes, watermelon! That’s very summery. The grocery sells half-cut ones — there’s a knife in the kitchen I could use to cut it into slices.

        2. Elizabeth West*

          If I got spinach dip, I could get a baguette and cut that up too. Bread and dip is usually popular.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        Mmmm.
        I thought about Eton Mess…but it’s kinda messy, lol. Also whipped cream might not travel well.

    4. Jay*

      Maybe something that doesn’t need to be refrigerated?
      Home baked bread, biscuits, or rolls, maybe?

    5. Peanut Hamper*

      Napkins, paper plates, and plastiware. It seems that people always forget these, and even if they don’t, there’s never enough.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        We have actual dishes but I could look for some cute napkins — there’s party stuff for a buck a pack at Ocean State Job Lot.

    7. CoffeeIsMyFriend*

      three (or many bean salad)
      I do canned black beans, canned kidney beans, and canned garbanzo (all drained) + frozen green beans (defrosted and drained) + a little onion or green onion + Italian salad dressing
      keeps well in grocery cooler bag with ice

    8. Elizabeth West*

      Thanks, y’all, I was looking at websites and was just overwhelmed. Now I have some ideas. :)

  59. Jay*

    Maybe something that doesn’t need to be refrigerated?
    Home baked bread, biscuits, or rolls, maybe?

  61. Dust Bunny*

    So I got off the train this morning and was on my way to work and found . . .

    . . . a young cat abandoned in a carrier by the side of the road.

    She’s in the utility room at work while we figure out how to get an intake appointment somewhere. I very much do not want to take her to a shelter but I can’t take in another animal, and this one is an older kitten/young adult who could get out of my kitten-fostering bathroom.

    It was 78 degrees and 87% humidity at 6:30 in the morning.

    Also, she’s a black cat. She’s super friendly, at least?

    I hate people right now.

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