Mortification Week: the ageist insult, the exam room kiss, and other stories to cringe over

by Alison Green on July 31, 2024

It’s Mortification Week at Ask a Manager and all week long we’ll be revisiting ways we’ve mortified ourselves at work. Here are 12 more mortifying stories.

1. The disk

Grad school in the late 90s. I was a female graduate student working at a computer lab. One professor had written a computer program on a 3.5″ floppy disk that the students had to take to a computer, insert the disk, and run the program. A male student came in asking for assistance. I of course forgot the “s” sound, so I told him, “It’s easy, you just stick your dick into it.” He was horrified and said, “I really don’t have to do that, do I?”

2. The wrong word

I once described a coworker as “randy” thinking that it meant mischievous or fun. Reader, it does not.

3. The insult

After finishing my MLIS in 2016, I was doing the customary circuit of academic all-day interviews with presentations to the faculty and staff.

I work in a technical part of LIS, so I was speaking about how users interact with databases and search interfaces and intended to say something along the lines off, “Of course many people in this room have been working with computers for decades and have seen the evolution of user experience design in computers, but often collegiate users only recognize modern design.” My nerves at being new to the field and not the most experienced presenter yet made me look at a room full of senior librarians and faculty at a STEM institution and say, with the full-chested confidence we all put on for professional presentations, “Of course many people in this room are older than computers.”

OOF. And yet, I got the offer!

4. The wrong phrase

I once said, “We shouldn’t shoot our whole wad” in a business meeting. Because I was absolutely sure that it referenced a wad of cash and meant you shouldn’t use up all your resources at once. And I was absolutely sure that I had heard my very proper mother use it that way.

Looking around the room at my colleagues’ faces, I realized in that very moment that that is not the actual origin of the phrase.

5. The straw

My third interview for my very first managerial job involved me flying into Chicago where I would be meeting with “the Big Boss” right at the airport.

Finding each other, he suggested we get a table at one of the restaurants, where we both ordered sodas. As he was speaking, keeping my eyes focused on his face, I bent down to take a sip of my soda. My straw went way up one of my nostrils! Neither of us said anything and I prayed he somehow had not noticed.

I got the job! Years later, it was time for me to move on. On my last day, that same boss called me in to say good bye. Grinning ear to ear, he asked me if I remembered what he called “the Straw Incident” when he had first interviewed me. (As if that were something I could forget!)

6. The potty

I (a female attorney) had gone to an attorney’s office to review some documents for a case in which we were on opposite sides. After doing so, he walked me back to the elevator and asked, “Do you need to go potty before you leave?” He was immediately mortified! I laughed and responded, “no, I think I can make it back to my office!”

He apologized profusely and said he was in the midst of potty training his toddler and “I guess I’m asking everyone that question automatically.” I thought it was hilarious but he could not stop apologizing.

7. The voicemail

One day at an old job, I had just started eating lunch when a “minor work emergency” came up that I had to deal with (read, not actually an emergency, but the person whose issue it was needed everything done RIGHT NOW and in this case it was easier to do it than deal with them complaining the rest of the time until it was done). I scarfed the rest of my food and chugged the soda I was drinking, picked up the office phone, and dialed the much senior coworker I needed an answer from regarding the topic. I was sent to their voicemail because they too were eating lunch. The “please leave your message at the beep” happened, I opened my mouth to talk, and immediately burped longer and louder than I ever had before or since and, in shock, immediately hung up the phone.

I sprinted up three flights of stairs to the office of the coworker, burst in the door, and yelled, “Delete your voicemail,” which obviously led to said coworker listening to the voicemail over and over and making sure as many coworkers as possible got to hear it.

8. The self-congratulations

When I worked at a mid-size nonprofit, all our previously in-person meetings moved online at the beginning of the pandemic. Before Covid, high-level donors and board members had special lunch meetings at a posh location that regular employees didn’t attend. But after Covid, boosting attendance at the virtual meetings mattered, so these strategic meetings became required for all employees.

In searching for something to talk about, the leadership asked me if I would present a small amount of my work in front of these bigwigs. It was a huge honor, and I took the assignment seriously. I practiced the presentation many times and even got feedback from coworkers and my partner who was at home working, as well.

The big day came and I carefully set up a room where things would be quiet, checked camera angles, and made sure my slides were ready to go. I did a great job presenting but was so relieved when it was over, I forgot to turn off my camera and microphone when I was done. All the important people on the call got to see me jumping excitedly around hear me clapping and saying to myself that it had gone well. It wasn’t until I had about a dozen texts from colleagues all at once that I realized my mistake! So embarrassing!

9. The wrong answer

One of my first professional interviews was for an internship in college. When asked what my five-year plan was, I honestly told them my goal was to work as an ESL teacher after college and get paid to travel – which had absolutely nothing to do with the job at hand. My aunt’s friend who got me the interview called me later and gave me the feedback that even if it’s not true, you should tailor your responses to the interview at hand. Oops.

10. The exam

I was on my OB-GYN rotation in medical school. My student partner and I were very nervous learning how to do a GYN exam on a real person. The school has actors who are willing to let a bunch of nervous and blushing students do these exams. We are taught to describe everything to help the patients feel comfortable. The students were divided into pairs with a OB attending doctor and a patient-actor.

When it was my turn to do the exam with the speculum, I encouraged the patient to relax, letting her know I warmed the speculum. Just before, I reassuringly told the patient, “You will now feel a little bit of pleasure.” (I meant pressure!)

It was over. The patient and attending exploded with laughter. I mean, tears rolling down faces, gut-busting laughter.

11. The kiss

I was working at a vet’s office and helping a client hold his dog while the vet was examining the dog’s tail. The owner and I were both near the dog’s head and he must not have realized that in addition to holding the dog, I was moving my hand to pet the dog’s head to comfort it. At this exact moment, he bent down to kiss his dog’s head and ended up kissing the back of my hand. we both just stared at each other for a second and then pretended it didn’t happen while the vet continued her exam.

12. The dress

I worked at a mall jewelry store and frequently wore cute, work appropriate fit-and-flare dresses. One morning I squatted down to unlock and raise the gate at opening, and my skirt caught on the handle and went up with the gate, over my head.

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{ 200 comments }

{ 200 comments… read them below }

    1. staceyface*

      I was just coming to say the same. This week has been delightful knowing I had these to look forward to!

    2. Corporate Lawyer*

      DITTO! I also love these stories as reminders that awkwardness happens to us all. Even the most polished and professional among us have moments they cringe about for the rest of their lives.

      1. MotherofaPickle*

        #12 I live in skirts/dresses between, let’s say, April and November. My one-year-old has learned to hook his feet so if I am holding him and going from sitting to standing, I flash everyone and sundry.

        I have invested in cute, but (comfortable and) conservative underpants.

        2. Bunch Harmon*

          I teach autistic kids, and I wear dresses all year round. I had an incident when I was helping a student sweep up a mess. He dropped the broom handle, picked it up, and managed to hook it on the edge of my dress, raising it to waist level. Then he dropped it again (still by accident) and repeated the whole thing – it was like a slapstick gag. He didn’t understand what had happened, but I was extremely glad I was wearing leggings underneath, and vowed to wear them all the time.

        3. Another Use of the Identify Spell*

          I like dresses for spring and summer but have a fear of a “Marilyn Monroe dress” moment from whatever random thing pops up to embarrass me. Bike shorts are an excellent solution, with capri length or even full length leggings when I know I’m going to be in a particularly cold office. The latter can also extend how late in the year it’s practical to wear something knee(ish) length and add fun colors/patterns to go with dresses that aren’t particularly interesting (other than having pockets.)

      2. the Viking Diva*

        This has been a splendid series. I am grateful to all who have told on themselves with such flare!

  2. Not Tom, Just Petty*

    #5 You should have told him, “I hope you are the only one who NOSE!”

    1. dontbeadork*

      Well, at least the speculum was roughly body temp. That’s a pleasure compared to the ones that sit in an un-warmed drawer until they hit your sensitive bits.

        1. Missa Brevis*

          It’s certainly not something I’d do for fun, but I’ve never found speculums as horrible as most people seem to. Not sure if I have an unusually skilled doctor or just a difference in physiology, but I find nasal or throat swabs wayyyy more unpleasant than getting a pap smear done.

          1. Great Frogs of Literature*

            It varies widely per person. Some people find them hideously uncomfortable, whereas for some people it’s no big deal. Personally I find them teeth-grittingly unpleasant, and would probably have responded to OP’s gaffe with a very dry, “No, I don’t expect I will.”

          2. Ally McBeal*

            I hated speculums and dreaded gyno visits until I found my current provider. My first pap smear with her was, I swear, over before I knew it had begun. I’d never experienced anything like it and I hope she never retires.

      2. Frank Doyle*

        I have never experienced an un-warmed speculum in my ~30 years of GYN visits! You should complain!

    2. Le Sigh*

      I really feel for #10. My doc was at a teaching hospital, so it wasn’t uncommon for them to ask if a student could do the exam (with oversight). I was totally fine with it, but was amused that the person-in-training went a little overboard explaining everything, like I was getting the Disney tour of my lady parts. Fortunately, I was able to keep that part to myself. I didn’t want to seem rude, she was just trying to do her job!

      1. Anonythis*

        I really appreciate the ‘Disney tour’ honestly, and with a med student it’s probably better for them to practice giving heaps of information so patients can later say ‘eh I don’t need to know’ rather than never practice and struggle when they’re asked for information.

    3. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      One of my (male) medical school classmates told the standardized patient at the end of a similar practice speculum exam, “I’m going to pull out now.” Then his brain caught up to his mouth and he was so red!

  4. Myrin*

    The fellow student in #1 was ready to do it if he absolutely had to but he was NOT happy about it. I can’t stop laughing.

  5. Isabel Archer*

    #2, I once described a coworker (and friend) as “curvaceous.” Weeks later I learned she thought curvaceous was a polite way of calling someone fat.

    1. Paint N Drip*

      It really depends on the culture and context!! An exceptionally flattering dress can make me curvaceous, very cool. A weird dude on a dating app calling me curvaceous? Uh.. yuck haha

    2. Clisby*

      I don’t interpret “curvaceous” as meaning “fat”. That seems like an odd thing to conclude.

    3. Dust Bunny*

      This might just be my social circles, but where I am “curvy” is the polite/positive term for a larger woman, yes.

      1. anon24*

        I feel like the meaning has changed in recent years. 15 years ago curvy and curvaceous were more used to describe hourglass figures, but now I only ever hear it used for plus sized women.

        1. Dust Bunny*

          I haven’t heard it used to describe hourglass-but-not-plus figures in years. (Some women are both, of course, but mostly I only see it used to describe plus-sized women even if they’re not hourglasses.)

    4. Someone Else's Boss*

      May I ask, what were you trying to convey? The only other interpretation I can think of is that she had curves in “all the right places” (I don’t want to use some words on this site haha) and that feels… odd to say to a colleague.

      1. Isabel Archer*

        As I noted, she was also a friend. This was many years ago, long before the fashion industry appropriated the word “curvy.” If memory serves, she and I were talking about dresses for a fancy holiday party, and I was, in fact, complimenting her lovely figure. She wasn’t remotely overweight, so I was really surprised,

  7. Oranigina Limone*

    I work with remote sensing systems, which we package into a cube, basically, and refer to as “boxes”. I was presenting the design, specs, and performance of a new version of the sensor and had described it for a few minutes when then my next slide was a picture of said system. I cued up the slide saying, to a room entirely of men, “So, there’s my box and isn’t it beautiful?” (Yes, I’m female.) I was so horrified as the words left my face that I have no memory of the rest of the presentation.

    1. Still*

      I’m guessing that it must have been an accidental double entendre but I can’t for the life of me figure out what might be referred to as a woman’s box?

        2. Kevin Sours*

          On the other hand, I’m not sure there are any words in the English language that are not somehow slang for genitalia.

          1. Non non non all the way home*

            I can think of some purely innocent words such as eggplant, peach, and taco.

      2. Lenora Rose*

        it’s slang for the internal part of the female genitalia.

        I cannot for the life of me figure out the resemblance.

        1. Moose*

          It’s not about resemblance. It’s because you put things in it. Like you would with a box.

    1. dontbeadork*

      My brother is named FirstName Randall Lastname. He went by Randy until he was stationed in the UK for a couple years. When he came home, his preferred name was FirstName for some odd reason.

      1. AJ Rose*

        I love the diversity in this group, I’ve learned so much very valuable information!

      2. desdemona*

        My college roommate and I frequented a bar where the barback was a man we (privately) referred to as “aptly-named Randy”.

      3. UKDancer*

        Yeah I had to work on something with someone from a US supplier. When we met he shook my hand and said “Hey I’m Randy” and I had to repress the urge to say “OK but what’s your name.”

        It’s really funny because you would not name anyone Randy in the UK, you just wouldn’t use it as a name because it would be laughed at so much. I mean we repressed it and didn’t comment but it was really challenging. I note on his second visit he introduced himself as Randall so I’m guessing someone did tell him.

        1. Never Boring*

          There was a substitute grade-school teacher in my hometown whose full name was Richard Seaman. Guess what his nickname was. Yes, really.

          1. Bitte Meddler*

            I worked at a place that farmed out contract IT people. One of our best contractors was a guy named Harry Weiner.

            Yes, he pronounced his last name “weener”.

            No, he did not want to go by “Hank”.

          2. Ariaflame*

            I have also seen Richard Head out there. Some parents are not thinking clearly obviously.

              1. Business Pigeon*

                For a while I went to an eye doctor named Michael Hawk. I’m very glad he had the sense not to go by Mike.

        2. Never the Twain*

          > I once described a coworker as “randy” thinking that it meant mischievous or fun. Reader, it does not.

          You could correct the misapprehension, but if you email to say ‘What I meant was, they’re a really feisty character’, make doubly sure you don’t omit any letters.

      4. Madame Arcati*

        If a certain presidential candidate was likewise stationed, they might have been inclined to adapt their last name (actually based on my perception of their personality, I don’t think they would…)
        Brits have pretty much got used to it now but to us it’s an informal word for passing wind. Maybe gentler than saying fart, somewhat childish. What a ten year old would say to another ten year old but not to the teacher. Not sure what the US equivalent would be. Toot?

    2. Nina*

      There used to be an American magician (very small-time) whose real name and also stage name was Randy Love. Then he moved to New Zealand.

    3. Janet*

      From Australia: a friend tells of his headteacher who proudly stood up in a whole school assembly to introduce the new US exchange student. “I’m sure you’ll all give her a warm welcome. She’s Randy …”. Surname got lost in the ensuing eruption of laughter. Poor girl.

      1. bryeny*

        Years ago a friend of a friend went to the UK for some work- or education-related purpose. She was American and I think wasn’t aware of the British meaning of randy, although her name was Randy. So she gets to her new university/place of work (might have been a postdoc?) and introduces herself to the first person she meets: “Hi, I’m Randy!” He looks her up and down, leering for all he’s worth, and says “I’ll bet you are!”

        [This might be good fodder for some future Mortification Week.]

    4. Anon for this*

      An attorney I have dealt with on multiple occasions has the name Randy Frisk.

      I don’t know if Americans don’t use the word frisk the way we do but in the UK that name means “horny pat-down”.

      Anyway he’s very good at his job but the first time a Brit encounters his name we double-take.

      1. bryeny*

        In the US frisking is patting down, usually searching for weapons or drugs or something. It’s what cops do when they arrest you. Sounds like the same word, same meaning on both sides of the pond. For once. :)

    5. Ally McBeal*

      I don’t think I know of anyone named Randall/Randy who was born after 1997, when the first Austin Powers movie came out.

    6. Princess Sparklepony*

      Years ago I knew a woman who had thought that the word horny was akin to corny and just meant you were feeling a little goofy…

      Her date was very confused.

  9. Trout 'Waver*

    Maybe I’m confused, but doesn’t “shooting ones whole wad” refer to musketry?

    Yeah, I know it means something else now, but isn’t that origin?

    2. FashionablyEvil*

      It is. There was some kerfuffle when a US senator (I think maybe the senior senator from Utah?) used that phrase and was very confused about why people were offended and grossed out.

    3. Christine*

      It means to expel all the wadding (packing) material with the shot, so to use all your resources.

    4. Chris*

      Yep. The wad in question is the material between the powder charge and the projectile in a muzzleloading firearm or cannon. Since the advent of metallic cartridges, wads are no longer used in rifle or handgun ammunition, but they continue to be a component of shotgun shells.

      The original, non-sexual meaning of the phrase came up a few years ago when Senator Orrin Hatch used it in an interview:
      https://thehill.com/homenews/senate/345590-hatch-on-gops-obamacare-repeal-push-they-shot-their-wad-on-health-care/

    5. Clisby*

      Yes. When I read this comment, that’s where my mind went first, but I’m also familiar with “shooting one’s whole wad meaning using up all your efforts/resources at once. The NSFW connotation must have some later.

    6. Ann O'Nemity*

      “Shoot your wad” does indeed come from the Civil War era, so there is an innocent historical origin to the phrase. But we stopped using wadding in guns a long time ago, and since then the expression has more colorful connotations. Shoot your shot, shoot your load, and shoot your wad have all taken on ejaculatory reinterpretations in the last 100 years or so. To be on the safe side, I wouldn’t use any of them in a professional setting.

      1. Giant_Kitty*

        I’ve definitely heard “blowing your wad” used to mean spending all your money at once

      2. Happy*

        I do not think that “shoot your shot” commonly has an ejaculatory meaning. I have never heard it used that way, so I googled it along with “ejaculation” and that meaning does not come up at all in the top returns (unlike the more common idiom, which does come up whether you include “ejaculation” or not).

        It certainly could be used that way in some communities! But I don’t think it’s common enough to need to avoid saying it in most workplaces.

    7. commentariat*

      My grandma (born in 1921) would use the phrase, as in spending a whole wad of cash. I was pretty sure that was the real meaning of the phrase (while knowing about the more recent NSFW version). I never knew about the musket one!

  10. Clisby*

    #4 – you were right about what it meant. I didn’t even realize there was another interpretation – although at least according to Google, the NSFW version doesn’t seem to be the primary one.

  11. captain5xa*

    #4 – I was once asked to go explain to a very kind and gentle man of faith who was also a good country boy who had grown up on a farm and used firearms to hunt that the phrase “shoot your wad” did not mean firing a musket but in modern vernacular meant something much different.

    He blushed seventeen shades of red as did I.

    Did I mention that this was at a local religious conference with attendees from all over the area – all from churches?!

    2. Clisby*

      But it does have to do with firing a musket, or at least I think that was the original meaning. (In case AAM readers are not aware of this, at least some states have musket hunting seasons – it’s not like nobody does this any more.)

      In modern vernacular, the secondary meaning is spending all your money (or other resources) on something, and the tertiary meaning is NSFW.

      1. ScruffyInternHerder*

        Meh. My (admittedly slightly immature and definitely male dominated) industry might go to the NSFW meaning first, guffaw, then sort out what was really meant.

      2. Ann O'Nemity*

        Millennial here, and I’d say the *first* thing that expression brings to mind is NSFW.

        1. Missa Brevis*

          Same. The origin of the phrase is a nice fun fact, but in real life every time I’ve heard it used it had the NSFW connotations.

      3. SnackAttack*

        I do remember one of my old coworkers saying that he had “blown his wad” in a meeting where we were talking about replenishing the budget, and my other (similarly aged) coworker and I looked at each other and tried not to laugh. Until today I had no idea it had any other meaning than the NSFW one.

      4. Whistle Up the Sunshine*

        I have never heard or seen this phrase used other than in the ejaculatory sense, so mileage definitely varies on this one! If someone used it at work, anywhere I’ve worked, it would have been considered a sexual reference and treated accordingly.

      5. IngEmma*

        I totally believe that this is true where you are (and didn’t know that musket shooting was still a significant activity anywhere, so that’s cool to learn!)

        But in the spirit of also sharing… I think this comment section has made clear that in many places it really truly will primarily convey something about ejaculation. (Not as a tertiary reference. As in, that’s the only thing it could be about. Honestly I think I probably thought it had something to do with ? Requiring a wad of kleenex or something?)

        The comments section here is making the mortification story funnier to me to be honest because I think it makes it clear how much of a divide there is! Seems like the people who know this as a reference to the original point (muskets) seem to also think the rest of us are misinterpreting – but I absolutely promise you that in every North American city I’ve lived in, people only say this as a reference to ejaculation. They might talk about losing at the slots with the same expression, but it’s absolutely considered vulgar and a sexual reference even in metaphor.

        Knowing now that some regions don’t use it like that, I will probably be less bemused and confused if I hear someone who isn’t normally inappropriate use it in a formal context though, so good to know!

        1. Parakeet*

          Yeah, count me as another who has never (and I have lived in a few different US states, including ones with more of a gun culture) heard the phrase used in any sense but a NSFW/vulgar metaphor one. Just as another data point for interested readers.

          1. Slang terms*

            Yeah, this comment section is very pedantic. Sure, the original meaning may have to do with muskets, but muskets are not commonly used anymore. I think if you said that phrase most people are going to think porn/male ejaculation.

            I’m also surprised that people don’t know “box” is a euphemism for vagina/uterus (or the pink taco phrase from the other day).

            1. londonedit*

              That reminds me of the scene in Notting Hill where Pandora’s Box is mentioned, and Spike says ‘I went to school with a girl called Pandora. Never saw her box, though…’

            2. Mgguy*

              My first exposure to the term “box” in that context came when I was doing a summer intership in college. I was working in a lab with two other guys I happened to go to the same (small)college with, so we came in knowing each other well. We were also three college-aged guys spending most of the day working almost totally unsupervised in the same relatively small lab, so conversation could be a bit…well…not always completely work appropriate. I could probably me share one story of my own where I didn’t realize our supervisor was in the lab and I loudly announced that I was leaving because I had to “take a massive dump.”

              In any case, on one particular occasion, we had an intern from a different group working in our lab for the day. I’m not sure why, but by 10:00AM he’d felt the need to tell us his entire sexual history with his girlfriend…and also at one point had told us a story(not involving with his girlfriend) that ended with the phrase “punch her in the box.” It was pretty obvious from context what he was referring to, so I did not feel the need to ask what a “box” was.

              Even as college guys, though, we were all pretty shocked by this particular story(shocked as in “that’s a really horrible thing to do” and also “you probably didn’t actually do that”), and given that specific story and our general dislike of the guy, for the rest of the summer somehow or another we started referring-privately- to any other especially unpleasant people we worked with that summer as “box punchers.”

    2. whimbrel*

      I’m deceased, lol, I have tears running down my face and I think I sprained something trying not to actually laugh out loud as I’m in an open workspace.

    4. Everybody Burp Now*

      I was cackling at that one! I could truly imagine it happening to me which made it worse/funnier.

    6. allathian*

      Yes, me too. It’s something I might actually do, too…

      No matter what I eat, I get gassy very easily. My favorite thing about WFH is that I don’t really have to keep it in anymore unless I’m in a virtual meeting. Although I’ve learned to always mute myself when I’m not speaking if there are more than about 4 participants in the meeting. Being able to fart when I need to means that my stomach hurts far less often now than it did before March 2020 when I went to the office nearly every day because WFH was only allowed in exceptional situations and had to be preapproved. On one of the firsts days I returned to the office, I let out a really loud and smelly fart at my desk. Thankfully this was early enough in the morning that there was nobody else around, but it was mortifying to say the least. I had to relearn to get up and go to the bathroom when I felt gassy.

      1. BrandNewBandName*

        I’m glad for your sake that you were the only one there.

        I was talking with some coworkers one day and bent down to get a book off a bottom shelf.

        I accidentally let one rip (loudly and fortunately not deadly). everybody was looking around with the question on their face like, “Was that you?” I half raised my hand and said, “It was me,” and they started laughing even hard, because they rarely hear women admitting it.

        I was lucky with that group. I had some jobs where people acted like a burp, yawn or fart is totally voluntary and you should be able to control it.

        1. Lizzie*

          I am also very gassy due to some digestive issues. I am also of an age where simply leaning over, bending my body in half, will cause a fart to pop out. It’s especially embarrassing at the gym! But the worst was years ago, while at the chiropractor, he was doing something with my midsection, squeezed, and I farted. OMG. i just yelled out. SORRY! and we continued on.

  13. wendelenn*

    #1 At least you didn’t say “Stick your 3.5-inch floppy dick right in there!”

  14. Veruca*

    My husband and I are both Americans. Almost 20 years ago, he took a job in Australia. His first week at work, he called a coworker a wanker.
    He thought it meant a jokester. It does not.
    Fortunately, it was Australia, so they became best friends.

  15. FricketyFrack*

    I love 11 so much. It’s embarrassing and funny, but in such a harmless, sweet way. I’d take a little accidental hand smooch over most of the other stories any day!

    1. Juicebox Hero*

      And the kiss got transmitted to the dog’s head right through 11’s hand, so no harm done :D

    3. MyySharona*

      The last time I took my cat to the vet, he climbed up and tried to hide in my hair. As the tech and I were wrestling him down, we both punched each other in the boob. We just kind of stared at each other, shrugged, and then started snort-laughing so hard that my cat climbed around the back of my neck and we had to start over.

      1. Princess Sparklepony*

        You just made me laugh so hard and fast that I almost choked. And now my head hurts. But still worth it. So funny. Thanks.

  17. Restart*

    The number of voicemail incidents over the years! I cannot express how relieved I was to learn that usually by pressing a button (* usually but sometimes any button) will get you to a hidden menu where you can delete and re-record your voicemail! That, my friends, has saved me more times than I care to admit.

    1. Jen_nifer*

      I came here to say the same! Hit * or # to be given options to re-record your voicemail message.

  18. Phony Genius*

    On #12, I almost expected the LW to be lifted off the ground and go up with the gate, skirt first.

    1. Juicebox Hero*

      And the first customer of the day found her dangling there, calling for help. Or at least a pair of scissors.

    3. Meg*

      #12 here. I’m a tall, large framed lady. I was on the slim side of healthy then but the fabric of the skirt definitely would have given out before it was able to lift me off the ground. It just came off the handle when it got high enough.

      1. Jasmine*

        Oh my goodness!! I thought she was gonna fall on her head! So glad someone was nearby to save her!

  19. Still*

    I’m guessing that it must have been an accidental double entendre but I can’t for the life of me figure out what might be referred to as a woman’s box?

    2. Christine*

      Her private parts.
      It would be like a male engineer boasting about his beautiful rod.

        1. Florence Reece*

          That’s slang from the 17th century! I agree about anatomy but it’s a very, very old term so I don’t think our modern education curriculum is the problem.

          1. Meg*

            It also gives my favorite euphemistic way to say someone is a lesbian: “She packs a box lunch.”

  20. Molly*

    My first job out of college was in a male dominated industry and with a company where women, especially 23 year old women, were rare. The company was bought by a British firm, and their former RAF fighter pilot CEO arrived to lead the business I worked in. I was very good at my job in marketing, design and communications. I was often asked to helped the British CEO with presentations. Once while jotting his notes in pencil on a yellow legal pad, he absent-mindedly asked me if I “had a rubber.” I froze. Thank goodness for some cultural awareness and I responded “do you mean an ERASER?” We were both mortified but other (male, obvi) C-level leaders joked with me about it so he must have shared it.

    1. Dust Bunny*

      My boss, who is another woman my own age (40s), was ordering minor office supplies and asked if I wanted a battery-operated eraser (she handed me a catalog as she said this). My face must have betrayed me because I swear we both stifled giggles at the same time. Battery-operated erasers are basically tiny old-school vibrators.

    1. Lana Kane*

      I’m putting myself in the coworker’s shoes. I’m in my office eating my lunch and someone barges in, Kool Aid man-style, panting and yelling “delete your voicemail!” (It’s how I’m imaging it, let me have this)

      I would have done the same thing they did. That’s practically begging me to, in fact, not delete that voice mail.

      1. Juicebox Hero*

        Not only that, but I’d put it on speakerphone and gather everyone around because I’d just know it would be something EPIC.

        The Kool Aid Man mental image is perfection.

      3. Nannerdoodle*

        I’m the one who submitted it. The way you’re imagining it is exactly how it happened. With perspective, I fully realize that my Kool-aid man entrance got me the exact opposite of what I wanted. But in the moment, my mind only knew panic.

  22. Dust Bunny*

    Not at work, thank goodness, but I once replied something snarky and definitely out-of-line, even in frustration, on a text that I thought was only going to one of my siblings. Sibling replied, “Did you mean that to go to Mom and Dad, too??”

    No. NO, I DID NOT.

    I was ten minutes away from their house when I did it. They are not usually very good about checking texts so I prayed to the communications gods that that would save me this time. When I got there, I asked for their phones on the pretext of looking for a photo that they had sent on the family text but that I had accidentally deleted. I managed to keep either of them from seeing the hurtful text.

    Entirely my own stupidity. Lesson learned.

    Sibling was both impressed by and horrified at my deviousness.

  23. KitBee*

    #11 would be such an adorable meet-cute that I hope the LW and the dog owner subsequently fell in love.

  24. Lana Kane*

    I did something similar to #3 once. I called another office and asked the receptionist to fax over some documents. She had what I thought was a very young-sounding voice. Later that day they hadn’t been faxed yet, so I called back. A different receptionist answered the phone. One who did not have a young-sounding voice. She’s going on about how she has no idea what I’m asking about, and I finally interject to say “I was speaking to someone else”. “Do you know their name? I’m the only one here today” (untrue) I said, “No, but I do know it wasn’t you, the other person sounded younge….” and here I realized what I was saying. She did too. “Oh, I see, I’m the OLD one!” She went on for a few more seconds and I just hung up!

    1. MigraineMonth*

      See, this kind of thing is just ridiculous. All of us have an age. We all started younger, and if we are fortunate we will get older. I’m not saying that it’s okay to make ageist comments (this US election season has been a rough one), or that people who are concerned about age discrimination have to out themselves. Still, it shouldn’t be a faux-pas to acknowledge that one person is older than another, or that a woman in her sixties isn’t in her thirties.

      Personally, I’ve loved every decade of my life more than the last, and I look forward to the growth and wisdom the future will hopefully bring.

      1. Lana Kane*

        See, this is what I thought as well. Part of me was like “oh crap, I just put my foot in my mouth” and the other part was “Oh come on, some people are older than others, it’s life”. But she was definitely already pissy so it went poorly lol

    2. Irish Teacher.*

      Honestly, that was a ridiculous reaction on her part. I’m in my 40s, not what I would consider old at all and if you said, “the other person sounded younger,” I would assume you meant the other person sounded very young, like a new grad, not that I sounded old.

  25. Ann Perkins*

    Oh, I’ve got one! While my children were young, I had a government job that had me calling stakeholders to discuss certain areas of concern, and then planning follow-up meetings or similar actions. However, I didn’t have any decision-making power and couldn’t promise any change to whatever was making the stakeholder unhappy, so I spent lots of time talking to frustrated people. It was a tough job, but I felt like it was important, and I could do a lot of the job from home via cell phone/laptop. I tried to get everything done while I had childcare, but occasionally things would run over.

    You might see where this is headed.

    I had a particularly difficult call on my work list, about a sensitive issue and to a woman with a history of getting very angry and disruptive. I called and left her a voicemail, finished a few other calls, then picked up my son (about 2 years old) and started dinner prep. My hands were in a bowl of meaty, oily deliciousness when I heard my son whimpering across the room, and I could also clearly hear a voice coming from the phone saying, “What the hell is this? Is this a joke?” Without my realizing it (the phone was on vibrate and sitting on a low table), my angry stakeholder had called back, my son had answered, and now any sense of professionalism was completely out the window.

    I grabbed the phone with my dirty hand and began apologizing profusely. This has a happy ending, though – my angry stakeholder laughed when she realized that I was just a stressed mom on the other end of the phone and not some Machiavellian bureaucrat, and though still angry about her issue, eased up on me.

  26. Leenie*

    The first letter brings back memories. At the dawn of time (or the mid-1990’s, but who’s counting?), I sent a letter to a city employee that included the line “enclosed is your floppy dick”. To make the story more thoroughly 1990’s, I found out about the error when one of the engineers in my office came running up to the fax machine because another city employee called him in hysterics, didn’t tell him what the error was, but told him he was going to fax over the offending document so he could experience it himself.

    I didn’t get in any trouble. I did remove that word from my Word (actually, it might have been WordPerfect) dictionary, much like I had (preemptively) removed “pubic”.

    P.S. I just accidentally put this comment on a lovely update about library work, renewing my feelings of embarrassment.

  27. Bad at Interviews*

    #9 I made that error too, but I was also not very invested in getting the job at this particular company.

    It’s been way too long for me to remember all the details clearly, but right after I graduated from college I was asked to interview at some firm in town I had never heard of. I don’t recall how clear the job posting was about the duties but I’m pretty sure sales was a part of it. Definitely not my strength, but the company reached out to me and I was desperate for employment.

    After a hellish commute to get there, I realized it was one of those cattle call style recruitments where tons of people are interviewing for what I assume were a few open spots. I don’t remember if the interviewer asked other questions first, but when I answered honestly about where I saw myself in five-ten years: in academia/teaching or something else related to education.

    The interviewer ended it right there. The phrase, “I think we’re done here” may have been said, but whatever it was, the interviewer definitely gave off annoyed vibes.

    I feel like I was only in the room for ten minutes, and I was absolutely mortified because no one else who went back for an interview came out so quickly. I do remember coming home and just face planting into my pillow realizing how stupid my answer had been. Was I going to take that job? No, but I guess that teacher-pleaser personality was shining through and I at least wanted to make a good impression. Failing on my first try was definitely humiliating. Lesson learned.

    1. Baroness Schraeder*

      My very first job interview when I was about 15 was at a local supermarket and consisted of approximately one question. Supervisor asked “why are you interested in working here?” and I replied “because I need money”. She was kind enough to explain to me that the correct answer was that I was interested in developing my customer service skills and working as part of a team, but she didn’t give me the job.

  28. JelloStapler*

    These are amazing,
    #6- I remember that line being stuck in my head during those days of potty training my kids.

    1. Peanut Hamper*

      OMG, yes!

      The thing of it is that you don’t ever stop asking questions as the kids get older. You just ask different questions.

  29. Jay*

    Re: #4
    “I’m afraid I prematurely shot my wad on what was supposed to be a dry run, if you will, and now I have something of a mess on my hands.”
    – Tobias Funke

  30. WeAreUnanimousInThat*

    Actually ““We shouldn’t shoot our whole wad” isn’t remotely dirty, although it sounds like it is. It refers to 19th century muzzleloading weapons that had a wad of cloth that was used when a musket ball was inserted. It meant “I had taken my shot – the cloth was fired out of the weapon along with the ball.”

    I know this because I used the phrase in a presentation with a law firm, and my coworker was utterly shocked, so I won $20 on the bet that it *wasn’t* dirty, regardless of what it sounded like. :)

    1. MCL*

      Yeah…. but it also has a second meaning. Maybe it’s regional or age-related or something, but my immediate first association with that phrase is with ejaculation. That is the only sense in which I have heard this phrase. If you have to explain, “no, but I mean in the sense of 19th century weaponry, let me explain exactly what the old-timey firing mechanism was doing” then I’m afraid it’s already a phrase lost to skeeze.

      1. Patakeet*

        Yes and that second meaning has been the first and only meaning I have heard in the wild. And I am pushing forty and have lived in multiple reasons. I absolutely believe people who say that it means something different in their locale. But if most people know it only as the NSFW meaning…then that’s what it means.

    2. turkey tails*

      What of it? If you use that phrase in the present day, the first thing people with think is of ejaculation (as you demonstrated with your anecdote).

    3. Hastily Blessed Fritos*

      Language evolves, and etymology is not meaning. Do you also insist that “awful” means “inspiring awe” or that “goodbye” is a literal reference to God?

      1. Cardinal Richelieu*

        If only you Anglophones had an Académie Française to protect your language from crumbling, phrase by phrase, into innuendo and entendre–it’s worked so well for my people!

        [Narrator: n.b. it has not.]

    4. Coming Dear*

      It may have once meant that, but I promise you there are few people born in the past forty years who would hear that phrase and not think you were talking about ejaculation. No one’s mind is going to muskets!

      The connotations have changed in the past few hundred years, as language is wont to do.

    5. Giant_Kitty*

      I’ve mostly heard “blow your wad” used exactly the way OP used it- spending all your money or resources at once.

    6. Nebula*

      And c*ck means a male chicken but I still have to censor it. Language is use, just because it originally meant something else doesn’t make it magically not have the current, “dirty” meaning.

  31. RLC*

    #6, my very polite and respectful colleague ALWAYS asked this any time we headed out of our office (natural resources, outdoors all day). His side gig was driving school bus for local primary school, including field trips, so it wasn’t surprising. We also did annual natural resource outdoor camp training for primary schoolers so he spoke their language well!

  32. RikersVolunteer*

    I volunteered at Rikers Island for years. Contrary to the name, it’s not an island. It’s a peninsula that juts into the East River right next to LaGuardia Airport (great city planning).

    Because Rikers is a jail complex (10 separate jails), no one is allowed to simply “hang out” or even walk around. After entering the complex through the reception building, everyone has to wait for the half-sized school-bus type vehicle that circles around all day from jail to jail, picking up and dropping people off.

    I was waiting for the bus, standing outside a jail building on a breezy spring day. The wind off the river blew the skirt of my dress up over my head, and the correction officer keeping an eye on us got to see London and France.

    I wore slacks to Rikers after that.

  33. Left Turn at Albuquerque*

    I’m cry-laughing so hard at #7 I can hardly see to type. Even better, my brain has conjured up a mental image of a comic strip speech bubble with BRAAAP in huge all caps that I am helpless to unsee. I’m going to be giggling randomly like a loon all evening.

    1. Fluff*

      Me too. I would have that voice mail saved and converted to a voice memo so I could just listen to it every time I needed a major giggle. Priceless!

  34. Annemoliviacolmuff*

    The “wrong word stories” remind me of a time we were making small talk before a meeting, and were talking about potato dishes.
    My lovely, polite boss (who had teenage sons) said very loudly and cheerily “I love pootang!”

    She meant poutine.

  35. Bitte Meddler*

    #2 – I was a high school 9th-grader who was a TA for the 10th-grade Algebra classes.

    One of the classes was getting out of hand, with students talking loudly and a few wads of paper and rubber bands flying from one side of the room to another.

    The teacher, Mr. Schwartz, turned around from writing something on the chalk board and said, “You all need to settle down and quit being so randy!”

    I got up, went to anteroom between classrooms where teachers kept their supplies and personal items, and grabbed a dictionary.

    I walked to the front of the classroom, flipping to the right page, and then let Mr. Schwartz silently read the definition of “randy”.

    He turned bright read and blurted out, “OH NO!” Then he turned to the class and said, “Do NOT tell your parents that I said you all were randy!” Which, of course, just got everyone up out of their seats to try to crowd around the dictionary.

    Howls of laughter.

    Schwartz was a beloved teacher, so no one told any parents or administrators that he said randy instead of rowdy. :-)

    1. MyySharona*

      When I was a freshman in high school, my French teacher got very fed up with us and screamed that teaching us was like “beating off a dead horse”
      You never saw a class of 14-yr-olds get so quiet and wide-eyed so quickly. Everyone had a split second of thinking “WOW….wait…WHAT?”

  36. Moose*

    Consider me surprised that there are a number of people here who had no idea that “shot your wad” refers to ejaculation. That meaning is old enough that my grandfather used it that way.

    It’s not something that I think is appropriate to be said at work and I have a fairly loose boundary.

    1. Cafca*

      Nah, they know, they’re just trying to look clever by stating the original meaning, and pretending not to understand that we don’t live in the 19th C any more. Or they’re just, like, SUPER old.

    2. Part time lab tech*

      Eh, slang is often very regional and I’ve read this more ever than heard it said.
      I would vaguely guess it’s associated with ejaculation, particularly masturbation and tissues. And the shooting indicated some kind of gun thing as an original meaning.
      Really, shooting anything tends to get an ejaculation related second meaning.

  37. Zeus*

    Oh man, these are golden!

    #4 reminds me of one I heard from my old boss – when she was early on in her career she had a job as a photographer. She was taking photos of someone very important (I think a politician?) and asked him to pose for “the money shot”.

    She thought it just meant a good picture, and did not know the other connotation of that line! Once she found out she was mortified.

    1. Rosyglasses*

      I love these word switches! It reminded me of when I was in the 8th grade and we were working on a word search in geology class. It was somewhat of a competition, and we would sometimes yell out when we found a word. I was a fairly sheltered child, who was then thoroughly confused that the class burst out in laughter (along with the teacher) when I proudly and loudly exclaimed “I’ve got cleavage!”.

      Sigh.

  38. Some Dude*

    #3 reminds me of something I did almost twenty years ago.

    A software upgrade was happening at a customer site and practically our entire company was present. A few of the customer employees (middle-aged women) pointed out the owner and asked “Who’s the young guy?” My response, as a twenty-four year old? “Oh, he’s not young. He’s thirty-four.” That was met with “Thirty-four’s not young? What does that make us?”

  39. Anonychick*

    Re: #3 (The Insult)

    While I absolutely understand the mortification at feeling like you called people old , I feel like this is actually perfectly fine compared to the possible alternative: accidentally implying that the older-than-computers computery-type folks couldn’t possibly have any knowledge of computers at all, let alone current ones, seeing how ancient they obviously were.

    Y’know…like that “I don’t make mistakes!” guy did with his would-be grandboss…except that was on purpose!

    1. Non non non all the way home*

      The one I always cringe at, which many men don’t seem to have a problem saying is: ‘down to the short strokes’.

      1. NotJane*

        Wait…that’s not about golf?? I thought I was pretty worldly but now I’m second guessing myself, lol.

  41. Freud Would Like a Word*

    Several years ago, as I was starting my career as a retail pharmacy technician, I called a patient whose first name in our system was Dick. Not Richard, Dick. And I truly did not know how to pronounce his last name. So I called this man, who was eighty-something and mostly deaf, and when he picked up he couldn’t understand me. So, in front of my coworkers, my patients, and God Herself:

    “Hello, I’m calling for Dick. I’M CALLING FOR DICK. I’M CALLING FOR DICK!!!”

    I didn’t understand what I had done until I hung up the phone and every single one of my coworkers was in tears, heaving with laughter. I’m a lesbian, and my lead technician is a lesbian, and she could not get enough of me CALLING FOR DICK.

    My sister handmade a pop-up card for me the following Valentine’s Day commemorating the occasion. It was truly a thing of beauty.

    2. whimbrel*

      I’m working from home today and thank GOODNESS because I just busted out laughing, oh my gosh :D

    3. MyySharona*

      I was sitting at lunch with coworkers and the owners (very small office) and the owner was on the phone verifying someone’s employment and activities for a doctor. She was also a loud talker so she’s going on about “can I describe his work duties? Sure, he doesn’t have any difficulties with duties in general.” And similar.
      My coworker (a guy 15 yrs older than me, a mid-20s baby) I apparently heard it as “doodies” over and over and were giggling with our heads down. We had to leave the room and go out into the hallway where we were shrieking with laughter. Our boss finally came out demanding to know WTF was wrong with us.
      It was a weird stressful job (private investigator and staff) so we often reacted oddly to the most random things.

  43. Audiophile*

    #6 is so relatable! I don’t have a kid, but I’m the oldest of 5 and am regularly used to having to ask if people have to go to the bathroom. During our 20s, a friend and I were on vacation and leaving a restaurant when I said, “Do you have to go to the bathroom? You should go to the bathroom. Are you sure you don’t have to go to the bathroom? It’s a half-hour train ride back to our hotel. Just go to the bathroom.” Despite the very strange looks my friend kept giving me, I insisted she go to the restroom. When I finally heard it and realized it, I apologized, and we laughed about it.

  45. Chief Technician*

    #4 reminds me:

    My grandfather (a military engineer) used to use the expression “my eyes are like two pee holes in the snow” to mean that he was very tired. Apparently, this was thought to be a bit vulgar at the time.
    My mother didn’t quite understand the phrase and thought he meant “pea holes”, i.e. the hole that would be made by dropping a pea on to snowy ground.
    She got a job as a secretary and used the expression in a meeting when a director asked her if she’d had a good weekend.

  47. VTKristen*

    I hate to be the “well actually” person. BUT, shooting your wad comes from guns when they were muskets and you shoved a “wad” of cloth in the gun with your gunpowder. It does now have a sexual connotation. But that is the actual origin. It has just developed that way.

  48. Throwaway Account*

    I just remembered one!

    In the early 2010s was teaching history to high school students at a Yeshiva. I am not Jewish but have lots of relatives who are, and I know a lot of Yiddish words – or so I thought!

    I also used a lot of slang with my students to keep things fresh – for example, “so the Queen says to the King, dude, you cannot do that! Cue students whispering things like, “did she just say dude?” I got their attention which was my goal.

    One day I said to a group of sophomores something like – “so the queen says to the king, you are such a shmuck!” I got crickets, but what really clued me in that I had said something off was the room full of wide-eyed, horrified stares!

    I did not know what to do because I was definitely not supposed to talk to them about bodies or sex acts and I had no idea what I had just said. One brave soul told me that was not a word they used.

    I know it as a foolish or stupid person, but, in case anyone does not know, it is Yiddish slang for penis.

  49. another one-L Alison*

    The one about the medical student learning to do a pelvic exam reminded me of my own experience. Same situation–med students in pairs with a volunteer (I assume paid but you COULD NOT PAY ME ENOUGH to do that) patient. My partner and I decided that I would go first. As I was about to begin the exam, I freaked out, ran out of the room, and started basically having a panic attack. I finally calmed down and went back into the exam room where the incredibly nice patient said “Honey, it’s OK, you’re not going to hurt me.” I did the fastest and most perfunctory pelvic exam known to man but I got through it. It’s now 30 years later and I still think about that sometimes when I’m talking to a patient who is nervous about having a pelvic exam.

    1. Fluff*

      Amazing how anxious and nervous we were.

      I remember a time from my specialty rotations. Me and Bill were medical students partnered on our ophthalmology rotation. We were in the outpatient suite where the eye doctor was prepping patients for cataract surgery. The patients were chipper and happy to talk to student doctors especially since they could not see much. They all had their eyes massively dilated and basically only saw moving blobs of color. Our attending, the surgeon, chatted up the patient, a very kind Air Force veteran who loved having an audience.

      Little did we know what was coming next.

      The attending mentioned that he is going to “numb you up, Captain,” and asked the patient to hold still. Then he proceeded to take a needle the size of Voldemort’s wand and lobotomize our Captain via the eye socket. Now, in reality he used a long needle above the eye socket to inject the numbing meds above and behind the eye (not in the eye) for a nerve block. This is routine for an eye doctor. For everyone else, it is straight out of a Final Destination movie.

      I squeezed my core tight and managed to avoid the pass out or barf.

      Bill let out a panicked – and extremely loud – bellow (think bull elephant) and ran out of pre-op. He did not return until the next day.

  50. Fluff*

    So I was the mortified med student. Given the level of maturity in medicine, I was stuck with the nick name of “student Dr. Pleasure” for my senior year amongst the group.

    I so wish I had a portable hole to fall into.

  51. Rincewind*

    I got linked to one about a bathroom and lost keys and it made me think of an incident when I was working in a nursing home.
    I wore my keys around my neck with my nametag like most of the aides. I was bringing dinner to a resident who preferred to eat in her room, so my hands were full with her tray. there was nowhere to really set it down except the floor, so instead I sort of juggled the tray around and got my keys into her door without removing the lanyard from around my neck.
    The lock turned partway and my keys got stuck! So I’m there leashed to the door by my neck trying to figure out how to set the tray down so I can use my hands to get the keys out of the lock. I’m kind of shimmying my way downward, crouched, still holding this tray of food and drinks one handed when I heard the resident inside call out.
    “Is someone there? I’ll come open the door!”
    I had sudden images of being yanked through the doorway by my neck while the tray spilled everywhere. I’m practically limboing my way out of this while shouting “no, no, don’t open the door!!!”

    The housekeeping lady down the hall was nice enough not to start laughing until after I’d managed to free my keys.

  52. Random Biter*

    #7….and now I’m trying to stop cry/laughing before someone wants to know what’s going on.

  53. MarsJenkar*

    #1: Be glad you’re not Steve Levy, who made the same mistake during an injury report on ESPN’s SportsCenter, with millions of viewers watching. If you can find the video of that gaffe, as well as his not-quite-effective attempts at keeping himself from laughing at his mistake afterward, it is worth watching.

    1. tommy*

      i wonder what the timing is (which came first) between the real life SportsCenter gaffe you’re referring to and the exact same joke on aaron sorkin’s show Sports Night.

Comments are closed.