should I apologize for being a bad employee?

by Alison Green on July 11, 2024

A reader writes:

Do I need to apologize to my managers for being a less-than-stellar employee?

I’m a contract employee on my second year of employment with an organization that hires its employees on one-year contracts. During my first year, my performance was good — not outstanding, but at least good enough to have my contract renewed.

Good enough performance aside, I know my manager found me difficult to manage (they told me so, in so many words), but in keeping with the organization’s strong focus on professional development, we outlined some areas for me to improve and I took those seriously and made a lot of changes that (I think, at least) helped me align more closely with expectations.

During my second year, I dealt with a cascade of health issues: a serious illness, a surprise surgery, and two miscarriages, plus a recurrence of some life-long mental health challenges; all of this culminated in my needing to go on FMLA leave to receive mental health treatment. I also received a mid-life diagnosis of ADHD. For obvious reasons, my performance crashed during all of this, which I acknowledged to my managers (using scripts you suggest). Once I came back from medical leave, I dove into work with renewed focus and energy, but it became clear that my performance wasn’t measuring up; my manager put me on a PIP and ultimately decided to let me go.

As I’ve been reflecting on all of this — and reflecting on my performance in this job and previous jobs in light of the ADHD diagnosis — I’m recognizing just how difficult I’ve been for my managers over the last two years of employment. I always want to be a superstar employee — or, failing that, to at least be a diligent, reliable, and thoughtful employee who is able to contribute to my team. In hindsight, however, I suspect that I haven’t even managed that: instead, I get the sense that I’ve been a liability rather than an asset. It’s pretty clear to me that the difficulties of managing undiagnosed ADHD really contributed to the challenges my managers have had with me over the last two years; the Venn diagrams of “ADHD symptoms” and “my performance issues” overlap pretty significantly. But even so: whatever the cause, the outcome was that I was a pretty poor employee.

Is there ever a situation where an employee should apologize to a manager for being a burden in this way? I have another several months before the end of my contract, and I keep thinking I ought to apologize to my manager and acknowledge I’m not blind to how difficult I’ve been. The urge is pretty overwhelming; I hate knowing that my manager probably has a poor opinion of me. But I’m aware this urge comes from the emotional part of my brain, the part that hates being criticized and panics when people are unhappy with me. The rational part of my brain points out that apologizing might make me feel better but won’t actually accomplish anything.

As I wrap up my time with this organization, I want to behave as professionally and gracefully as possible. In that context, is there a place for an apology? Or should I just focus on wrapping up my projects and completing the work that needs to get done? My instinct is that apologizing in this way is an emotional overreaction, but — perhaps because the past two years have done a number on my self-esteem — I’m not sure I trust my instincts, so I’d appreciate your advice.

I think there’s a difference between acknowledging the issues and apologizing for them.

You don’t need to apologize for having mental or physical health issues. You don’t even need to privately feel apologetic. You are a human who had some very normal and understandable human health stuff happen.

But I understand the desire to acknowledge to your manager that you know this has been challenging for them and your team. That kind of acknowledgement can feel like a form of reclaiming competence — “I see this, I’m not oblivious, and I realize that it’s had an impact.” There’s an underlying “I wish it had been different,” but it’s not an apology.

I think you can approach it that way, and there might be value to you on your own in saying it (you clearly want to!) and very likely value to the relationship too.

I’d frame it this way: “Obviously I’ve had a rough time this past year, and I know that showed up at work in ways I didn’t want it to, despite my best attempts to keep it from affecting things here. I wish it had gone differently, but I really appreciate the support and patience you’ve given me, as well as your candor when it was clear something needed to change.” You could even add, “I’m leaving with a clearer idea of how to navigate some of these challenges going forward, and I’ve appreciated your role in helping me through that.”

So it’s “I see this” and “I appreciate how you handled it,” but it’s not “I’m sorry.”

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{ 88 comments }

{ 88 comments… read them below }

  1. Harper the Other One*

    Alison, I really like your framing of acknowledging versus apologizing in this situation! My kiddos are neurodivergent and my oldest really struggles with talking to people about things he sees as letting someone down; I think this example could be really helpful for him.

  2. Elsewise*

    One of the best pieces of advice I ever received was to never say sorry when you mean to say thank you. Alison’s scripts are spot-on for this. You don’t need to apologize for what happened, but in acknowledging your manager’s efforts, you can go a long way towards improving that relationship.

    1. Serious Silly Putty*

      Yes! Thanking others put the focus on their positive traits, rather than on how bad we feel about things.
      “Thanks for following up,” “Thanks for your patience/flexibility”, “Thanks for catching that,” all focus on what the other person did to make things less bad.

    2. Mizzle*

      I opened the comments to say this but I’m glad you got to it first!

      Just think of how much easier it is on the other person (the manager, in this case) to acknowledge the thanks rather than downplay the apology (because accepting it directly doesn’t seem appropriate).

    4. ferrina*

      Honestly, a “thank you” when you have been let go will astonish your manager and will really speak well of your character.

      I have been the manager that had to put someone on a PIP when they had been through the wringer (admittedly not as much as OP). I’ve let people go for poor performance that they knew was poor. Every single one left the company mad at me.

      As a manager, you don’t expect to get a “thank you” for putting someone on a PIP, much less letting someone go. If OP says “Thank you for your clear communication, and for extending me grace. I understand why things didn’t work out and why you had to make this decision” the manager will likely really, really appreciate that (caveat: I’ve seen managers get mad that they were put in the position of needing to put someone on a PIP in the first place, so ymmv).

      1. Guacamole Bob*

        +100

        I was trying to reply with something similar below, but the comment system may have eaten it and you said it better anyway.

    5. Double A*

      Yes!!! It sounds like your managers helped you a lot in this situation. A thank you acknowledging that and explaining your next steps for growth would probably make them feel great and also leave them with a good impression of you.

      My ADHD husband is constantly apologizing to me for his perceived shortcomings and I wish he would just thank me. I honestly am impacted by it and have to do more work because of it but apologies just make me feel like there’s something else to manage (his feelings), whereas acknowledgement for how I help is super meaningful to me.

      1. Higher Ed Cube Farmer*

        Double A, I feel this.
        I have colleagues and family members who shame-spiral or apologize instead of acknowledging impact and working to address it going forward. I empathize with the impulse — I experience it too!
        But I recognize that it’s a kind of ‘venting’, and like irritated venting it doesn’t improve the situation or relieve the feelings of the venter (if anything it can intensify them), and it further burdens the listener with having to manage the venter’s feelings and get their interaction back to a productive focus, in addition to the effort they’ve already taken to manage whatever difficulties there were in the first place. Which sometimes were not even as big a deal as the shameful apology becomes.

      2. MigraineMonth*

        Yes, this is a *great* point. An apology can backfire if it makes the other person expend more effort comforting you or assuring you that an apology isn’t necessary. Especially in an a work situation, an apology is only appropriate if it can be delivered in a professional (i.e. even-keeled, emotionally-restrained) way, and it sounds like this situation is too fraught right now.

        A “thank you”, on the other hand, acknowledges both the issues and the efforts your manager has made to help. I think it’s an excellent idea.

  3. Goldenrod*

    I love Alison’s advice and script here!

    OP, we all have times when we don’t or can’t do our best. What I like about your letter is your ability to self-reflect and clearly examine what you could have done better, and which things were out of your control.

    Your capacity for self-examination and critical thinking strongly suggests that you will be able to show up for future jobs in a different way. And that’s all that really matters!

    I think we can all look back on our lives and see situations we wish we’d handled better and differently. Your letter reminded me not to beat up myself so much about that stuff! We’re all human, and we’re all trying our best. It’s okay to give yourself a break.

  4. AJ*

    Some of the best advice I’ve ever had was “Don’t say Sorry if you can instead say Thank You.”
    Obviously, if you’ve actually dropped a ball this doesn’t apply, but for things that were unavoidable or not actually your fault, it’s perfect. Things like “I’m sorry I’m late” when you were stuck in traffic becomes “Thank you for waiting for me”. “I’m sorry I was ill” becomes “Thank you for your support”.
    This feels like one of those situations.

    1. Bike Shorts*

      I was thinking of this exact advice when I read this column. It’s something I try to take to heart, and I feel like it’s served me well. Saying “thank you” gives the other person a chance to say “it’s not a problem,” or “you’re welcome,” rather than “I forgive you” which can feel a little heavy. Or if you apologize, they feel like they need to say “it’s okay” when it’s not okay.

      1. sacados*

        It’s so true. Going in with a mindset of “I’m sorry I was such a pathetic screwup who never did anything right,” which sounds like might be the vibe going on in LW’s head (and side note, LW — please try and cut yourself some slack!!), is putting the burden of managing your emotions onto the other person in an unfair way. And a way that’s definitely inappropriate in a work context.

        Redirecting into that framework of “I acknowledge my shortcomings and am appreciative of your efforts, which have helped me grow” is so much better– and more true to the realities of the situation!

        1. Agnes Grey*

          This is excellent advice from Alison and, LW, I wish you the best and hope you can find a way to be less critical of yourself. Between the rejection sensitive dysphoria and the high level of conscientiousness and perfectionism that are common for us neurodivergent folks we end up internalizing a lot of shame, and reading your letter broke my heart a little. You deserve a work situation where your strengths are valued and your needs are met!

        2. Great Frogs of Literature*

          Also, responding to this vibe specifically: OP, this past year was probably challenging for your managers (and I think the scripts to acknowledge that are great). That said, you are exaggerating the extent to which you were a burden for the past two years.

          Were there challenges in working with you? Almost certainly. But your managers had the chance to cut ties with you a year ago, and decided that it was worth keeping you on. They weren’t doing that for charity, or because they liked you. They had made the business decision that any difficulties with you as an employee were outweighed by the value you provided.

          Don’t forget that, while you’re beating yourself up about things that were outside of your control this past year/that you didn’t yet have enough knowledge to control. (And try to stop beating yourself up entirely, but that’s probably a longer road.)

    2. Sloanicota*

      Ha jinx, I had the same response below and must have missed this comment making the same point. So thanks for sharing it :P

    3. Beth*

      Brilliant advice!

      An apology is *asking* the other person for forgiveness.

      A thank-you is *giving* the other person your appreciation.

      1. Saturday*

        I actually think a genuine apology isn’t asking for forgiveness – it’s acknowledging that you’ve done someone wrong and indicating that you regret it.

        But totally agree that this letter writer doesn’t need to go the apology route.

    4. Sparkles McFadden*

      I had an inherited direct report who was a nightmare to manage for the first year. Things got better in year two, and by year three he was doing very good work with a lot less of my time going to managing him. When I moved to another job, this guy made of point of saying this to me: “I want to thank you for the grace you showed me when I was in a difficult place.” That was one of the best things anyone ever said to me at work.

    5. Brain the Brian*

      I agree that it’s important to distinguish between times when you were truly at fault (and a real apology is in order) and times when you’re not (and a grateful thanks is better). Traffic is one of those tricky situations where you can argue it either way (perhaps you should have left earlier since traffic is usually bad at rush hour, but perhaps it was unusually slow today; you have to gauge that in real time). Something like this LW’s situation is pretty clearly on the “thanks” side of things.

      1. Despachito*

        This is spot on, I see the difference exactly the same as you do.

        “Sorry” is for something that was my fault (I was negligent/forgot about something/was hurtful) and could have been avoided.

        “Thank you” for situations that, albeit they were tough on the other party, were not something I created or could have avoided.
        OP’s performance was not up to par but not by OP’s negligence, but because of some external factors OP could not have influenced. Disease is no one’s fault and although it made things more difficult for OP’s managers, OP did not cause it, it happened to them, and OP was probably doing their best under the given circumstances.

      2. Stella*

        It just occurred to me that in those situations, you could say you’re sorry for being late AND thank you for waiting.

    6. The Rafters*

      I said thank you a semi-frequently to my coworkers when I was undergoing chemo. There were days when chemo-brain struck and I couldn’t even say yes or no, I could only nod or shake my head. They were really good about framing questions in a way that that I could respond properly!

  5. Jennifer Strange*

    It’s good to acknowledge where you’ve fallen short, even if the reason was something you didn’t realize. But please don’t be too hard on yourself, LW. Even without the late ADHD diagnosis, it sounds like in this particular case you had a lot of outside factors contributing. That’s not to the company was wrong in how they chose to proceed, but it’s an understandable situation.

  6. El*

    I’m a manager with ADHD who manages an employee with ADHD. I also have recently had a bunch of health issues that I’m just getting a handle on.

    You don’t need to apologize. Acknowledging it as suggested above is definitely okay, but apologizing will also be awkward for your managers, especially for health issues, mental or physical. Part of life, and part of being an employer, is dealing with the fact that people will have times they cant give 100%, or even 10%. You also don’t need to apologize for having ADHD. You apologize for things you’ve done, not things you are. Ideally, you find ways to cope with your ADHD and work that mean you can still be productive, but that’s a long learning process and requires managers that can be flexible and understanding.

    Unfortunately, this job didn’t work for you. That’s the crux of it. Not all people excel at all types of work/offices, especially when they have ADHD. For example: I’m better at big picture and suck at repetitive work. I actually preform better as a manager than I did as an employee in many ways.

    Learning how to work with ADHD is hard and requires a lot of self reflection, but many, many people are successful. If you can figure out what doesn’t work for you and what does it can go a long way for future work. And hopefully in the future life won’t be quite so hard on you.

    1. JustMe*

      “You apologize for things you’ve done, not things you are”

      I like the clarity of this statement.

    2. Slow Gin Lizz*

      Not all people excel at all types of work/offices, especially when they have ADHD. For example: I’m better at big picture and suck at repetitive work. I actually preform better as a manager than I did as an employee in many ways.

      Excellent point and completely accurate. And as a counterexample, I have ADHD and I’m exactly the opposite! I’m really good at detail and repetitive work and most of the time can barely see the big picture. And I have zero desire to manage people. The letter earlier this week from someone with a staffer who complained all the time about having to do repetitive work hit home for me, because it seemed like that person just had the entirely wrong job for her. There are people out there (hi!) who really like repetitive tasks and if you don’t but you have to do a lot of them, it can really be energy sucking.

      OP, I’m sorry that your boss said you could be difficult to manage sometimes, but is that perhaps a symptom of the job not being all that good of a fit for you? Not necessarily that the work wasn’t right for you, but maybe even just that you and your boss have such different communication styles that working together was like paddling up a swiftly moving river? I don’t think that’s ever something you should apologize for either, but especially not in light of all your personal issues you dealt with this year.

      1. 2 Cents*

        Slow Gin Lizz (I’m also a Liz), we could be the same person. Love repetitive work that has a definite endpoint and clear goal. Also have zero interest in managing people. If only the “no managing” part wasn’t seen as such as blocker in most companies in order to move up. I know I would not be a good manager and wouldn’t want to inflict that on anyone.

    3. Daryush*

      Going along with it being awkward for managers, I would recommend waiting until the end of your contract to say anything, if you decide to.

    4. Dina*

      Perfectly said!

      OP, I have a lot of empathy for you. I wish you all the best in your journey.

  7. Les*

    Apologize to your manager and you can expect it to eventually be used against you. All you’re doing is highlighting a deficiency (real or imagined) that then becomes fodder for correction – and there is no shortage of managers who think they aren’t doing their jobs if they aren’t finding and addressing the shortcomings of their staff.

    2. Elbe*

      I don’t think that this really applies here.

      I’m sure that there are some vindictive managers, but it sounds like the LW has had an otherwise good relationship with the boss here. In this case, the LW’s contract is already not being renewed, so I don’t know what “correction” the LW could have left to fear.

      If the LW thinks that their manager seems like a normal, reasonable person, then I think that acknowledging the shortcomings is generally going to be something good.

    3. Kella*

      This advice feels weirdly distrusting and not really applicable in this situation.

      If you apologize to your manager for something that you genuinely messed up on in order to acknowledge that you’re aware of the problem and working to correct it, your manager following this up by correcting you on related issues likely means one of two things 1. There was a genuine thing that needed to be corrected, in which case, it is, in fact your manager’s job to flag that for you and offer guidance on what to do instead. 2. They are giving corrections on a thing you’ve already addressed in an attempt to micromanage you or punish you for previous mistakes. This is unnecessary and evidence of bad management. But a manager that operates this way is likely to be looking for things to scrutinize and criticize regardless of whether you apologize for them. Your behavior is actually fairly irrelevant to how they treat you, in this case.

      Following this advice, you risk erring on the side of avoiding accountability for your actual mistakes and prioritizing never appearing wrong, rather than actually seeking resolution. In any case, OP’s on their way out and I don’t think it’s useful to advise OP to assume all managers they encounter will be bad ones.

  8. Also ADHD*

    Women also feel the need to apologize whereas men don’t. I think Alison said it best, be more “thank you for your patience” vs “sorry I kept you waiting”.

    If I were to do the same, bc your venn diagram reference was the same light bulb for me, it would be more like “I acknowledge, im working on it, there wasn’t anything anyone could have done. Frame it as preserving the professional relationship as opposed to trauma dumping.

  9. AuADHD me.*

    Personally, instead of apologising, you might want to look at whichever law in your country applies to disability in the workplace. The Equalities Act, The ADA etc.

    Your employer should have taken your needs into account once they knew you may have ADHD.

    Make sure you know your rights for future jobs.

    1. Stoli*

      Sadly I agree. It’s like with the police: anything you say can and will be used against you. HR, Management, etc are there for the employer, not the employee.

    2. Mid*

      I don’t think that employers need to (or should) make accommodations when they suspect ADHD instead of the employee asking for accommodations once they know they’re needed.

      And, as someone with ADHD (among other things), accommodations don’t make up for being ill-suited to a job. Sometimes you just aren’t a good fit for a role, and no amount of accommodations will make it work out. Failing to complete your job duties is not protected by the ADA.

      1. AuADHD me.*

        It can take some time to get diagnosed.

        Employees can ask for accommodations whilst waiting for the formal diagnosis under the Equalities Act.

        1. green beans*

          At this point, the OP has two years of work history that just isn’t what it needs to be for this job. it’s absolutely fantastic that they have now identified a major contributing factor and can access/develop the tools to manage it, including accommodations at work. However, they are out of time to change the outcome at this specific job.

          That really sucks. But it’s not a reasonable accommodation for their job, at this point, to turn around their decision while the OP develops management tools (though, yes, they need to accommodate for the rest of the OP’s time there). Nor is it unreasonable to let someone go over long-term performance issues due to undiagnosed and unmanaged ADHD – it sucks, but it’s not the company’s job to diagnose or manage ADHD for their employees. it is their job to accommodate once they know, but the issues unmanaged ADHD causes can be reasonable grounds for disciplinary actions up to termination, and over two years of issues, that’s a reasonable outcome.

    3. MigraineMonth*

      I thought the ADA said that the workplace needed to be open to negotiating accommodations when the *employee* raised it, not that they should have offered them/implemented them as soon as they thought their employee had a disability.

      As someone who received so much counterproductive “help” in school for a learning disability that I stopped disclosing the diagnosis to teachers, I don’t think the latter would be good at all.

  10. Sloanicota*

    Someone once gave me a tip that I think applies here: when you feel like apologizing, go for gratitude instead. Apologizing might make you feel a bit better, but I don’t think feels good for the person in question, and also requires them to do the work of reassuring you or accepting your apology (or not). A sincere compliment requires nothing of them, and feels good. It is a classy way to leave a last impression. “I know I’ve had some struggles this past year and I really want to thank you for the patience and transparency you’ve given me. I know it wasn’t always easy but your handling really helped me understand where I need to grow, so I just want to thank you.” Of course, only do this if you actually do appreciate some part of your bosses’ actions or it won’t be genuine.

  11. Dido*

    Alison missed the mark on this one. You don’t need to apologize for having health issues, but you DO need to apologize for the way your behavior negatively impacted others. Your health issues are an explanation but not an excuse.

    1. Stoli*

      An apology can be used against her. A brief explanation is enough. Or doing nothing at all.

        1. Peanut Hamper*

          I think Stoli means that in other circumstances where they would not be let go, no apology is necessary.

    2. Peanut Hamper*

      Nope.

      You apologize when you did something that you have control over. LW had no control over this, and has no reason to apologize.

      Ding someone’s car? Yep, drive more carefully next time. Apology required.

      Have health issues that negatively impacted your performance and cascaded into other people’s work? Nope, no control over that. No apology required.

      Having under-performing employees from time to time is just part of doing business, and managers know that this can and will impact other workers. Bosses can try to help make those employees better (and it looks like that happened) but if the required change doesn’t happen, then they can let those employees go (which did happen). But that doesn’t mean the employee needs to apologize for how their health issues ultimately impacted other employees. Their manager has handled this. No apology is necessary.

    3. ferrina*

      The line between explanation and excuse isn’t clear cut.

      What is the difference between brain fog and not focusing? What about medical fatigue vs not being motivated? Not trying hard enough vs having a disorder that causes executive functioning issues? Sometimes the line between excuse and explanation is invisible- I went through several months thinking that I was suddenly horribly lazy when I was actually suffering through depression-induced fatigue. It wasn’t a moral failing- it was a chemical imbalance that was solved by medication. No amount of “trying harder” could fix the chemical imbalance, just as no amount of “trying harder” will make me grow 6 inches taller. That’s just the way my body is built.

      Apologies and excuses are for things that are within your control. Often there is overlap between things not in our control and things within our control. It comes down to what can be reasonably expected of each other, and different people will have different opinions. It is out of my control that power was knocked out. It was within my control to buy a generator, and I chose not to. Does that mean that I should apologize to my colleagues when my power is knocked out?
      I don’t know what OP’s actions were, nor how much she inconvenienced her coworkers, nor whether she did what she reasonably could have been expected to do.

    4. learnedthehardway*

      Disagreeing – ADHD IS a health issue. Nobody chooses to be unfocused, unable to concentrate, distracted by every bright shiny object, etc. etc.

      Believe me, life would be A LOT easier for ADHD sufferers, too, if we really had control over it, rather than just coping (and losing the ability to cope when the rest of our lives go to heck in a hand basket).

      Personally, I would be delighted to be able to get things done without a shot of adrenaline, because my dopamine receptors or levels or whatever simply do not work.

      1. Peanut Hamper*

        Agreed. There is definitely some ableism behind the idea that she should apologize for how her coworkers were impacted.

    5. JustKnope*

      OP already experienced the consequence of not having her contract renewed. It’s a business context. She doesn’t owe anyone an apology in this situation.

    6. EB*

      Having people get sick and be unable to perform is part of life. They don’t have to grovel to their coworkers when it happens. I had to take 6 weeks of FMLA for what I discovered was a couple severe bipolar episodes in a row. I thanked my coworkers and managers when I returned for covering my work and being so supportive, but on no planet in the solar system would I have apologized for being sick. Given how close to dying I was, they were lucky I had held it together as long as I did! I gave everything I could until I couldn’t anymore.

    7. Joron Twiner*

      I kind of agree. People can have really great reasons for making mistakes or causing trouble for others. Of course you don’t need to apologize for having ADHD or health crises. But if your health issues cause others to work more or stress more to make up for it, it’s a good idea to acknowledge that.

      Commenters are focusing too much on the fact that OP’s performance was caused by medical reasons. In this case the manager knows the reason, so there’s not much to apologize for. But what if the manager or coworkers don’t know the reason? All they know is they had to work late because OP forgot to hand something over… It’s not a bad thing to apologize for the negative impact of your actions, even if they were caused by medical issues.

      1. No name*

        “it’s a good idea to acknowledge that”
        Which is… exactly what AAM suggested? To acknowledge, rather than apologize?

    8. ThatOtherClare*

      ADHD isn’t a behaviour, it’s a cluster of symptoms. You wouldn’t make someone apologise for groaning loudly and disrupting the office with their ‘drama’ while having a heart attack, would you? Or force a teen waitress to apologise because a customer complained that her acne was ‘too ugly’ and refused to leave a tip?

      ADHD isn’t a choice. Think of it this way: you have full control over your muscles, don’t you? You don’t punch people who annoy you or steal pens. Everyone should control their muscles at work, right? But what happens when you step on a lego brick? You jump. You can’t help it. You don’t actually have full control over your muscles if your body doesn’t want to give it to you. ADHD is just like that, except it’s executive functioning that people with ADHD aren’t being given access to, not muscular control.

      People don’t need to ‘excuse’ their medical symptoms. Do they need to admit that they’re having them and seek diagnosis/help if they affect others? Yes. And the letter writer has done that. Saying “I regret that this happened” is all the closure that she needs to make.

    9. MigraineMonth*

      Should I also apologize for being out of the office for emergency surgery? What about parental leave? Vacation? There are lots of things that impact others that aren’t apology-worthy.

      Honestly, working with mediocre coworkers would be *exhausting* if they were constantly apologizing for their work, or for every error I found in their work.

  12. PinkCandyFloss*

    Alison, what a perfect answer. LW, what you have been through is astonishing and would have had me flat out on the floor instead of back at work – major kudos to you for your resilience!

  13. Bri*

    This made me feel sad. I want to live in a society which supports ill and disabled people, not make them feel guilty.

    1. melissa*

      It doesn’t sound like anyone is making her feel guilty. But feeling uncomfortable or upset (or even guilty) when we aren’t performing at our best is very natural.

        1. MigraineMonth*

          I’ve been dealing with a health issue, and for a couple of weeks it looked like I might have to go on disability. I have quite a few close friends and family who don’t work; I strongly believe that people deserve to have their needs met and respect whether they work or not, and I don’t believe a paycheck defines someone’s worth.

          I was completely unprepared for the feeling of shame and worthlessness I felt at the thought that *I* might not be able to work.

      2. Kella*

        It is true that it may be the case that OP’s manager and coworkers are not placing any guilt on OP for their performance and OP is taking on guilt that they don’t need to. It is also true that our culture encourages people with disabilities and health conditions to think of themselves as a burden when they need flexibility, support, or even their basic needs met. OP may not be hearing that message from their workplace but they are absolutely hearing it from the world around them.

    2. Slaw*

      Who involved in this letter is making her feel guilty? She wasn’t fired due to mental health, she was fired due to poor performance. At the end of the day, regardless of the reasons, it’s a job – they’re a business with standards to meet. If she wasn’t meeting them, they had to move on.

  14. cmdrspacebabe*

    For what it’s worth, I think this exact urge is also a common ADHD thing (it is for me, at least!). It’s part of the rejection-sensitive dysphoria a lot of us are prone to (extremely high sensitivity to criticism or rejection). Knowing that someone might think poorly of us is deeply uncomfortable, and it comes with a powerful urge to justify ourselves to try and mitigate that bad impression. From an outside perspective, though, our reactions tend to seem disproportionate to the situation, which can make that kind of apology awkward or concerning to receive.

    I think that providing *context* is good. What I’d try to steer clear from is letting too much emotion come through. You’ll be feeling a lot more strongly and a lot more personally about this than they are, and if it comes across as a shameful missive of personal guilt, it’s going to seem disproportionate to the situation from their perspective. That’s where all the excellent “thanks, not apologies” advice everyone else brings up comes in! It’s not an apology; it’s a thanks for their support and some context on why it was needed.

    1. Isarine*

      Came here to mention RSD. OP, please look into this. Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria is being taken more seriously by a lot of mental health professionals, but was mostly ID’ed and coined by the ADHD community itself. Whether it’s ever adopted by the DSM and professional caregivers, it really helped me reframe a lot of what I was feeling and realized how I was pressuring not only myself, but others. Now I call RSD thoughts my brain lies and always run it by a friend in the know before I address an issue with a colleague or professional contact, to help sort the real issue from the disordered thinking side of things.

      1. cmdrspacebabe*

        Yes!! I did a round of cognitive behavioural therapy exercises for it with an ADHD-based counselling group that did wonders for mine.

        Besides checking with friends, first, if have the urge to write a letter like OP is considering, I absolutely do NOT send it until I have at at least 1-2 days to calm down, re-read, and edit. Pretty much every time it’s happened, I’ve come back to it later and realized I was catastrophizing, and it would have been suuuuper awkward if I had sent the first draft. :P

    3. Kit*

      Also came here looking for mention of RSD, and glad to see it – it explains why you’re feeling the way you are, why it’s not necessarily appropriate to act on, and also I think might give you something specific to work on in therapy for the future! The “thanks, not apologies” model is definitely a good framework to avoid making your managers feel awkward.

  15. juliebulie*

    That mid-life ADHD diagnosis is a whole thing in itself. I was 40. Forty years walking around with one hand behind my back, and I didn’t even know it. There are so many feelings – like grief, for what might have been – and therapy is helpful for that. But it’s a lot. And it’s not necessarily something you need to share in detail. Just explain what you need.

    1. juliebulie*

      Sorry, I meant “forty years walking around with one hand tied behind my back.”

    2. Eater of Hotdish*

      I had the same experience. Diagnosed at 40, because when I was a kid, they didn’t diagnose little girls who daydreamed and had 800 different interests at any one time. I behaved well enough and got good grades—why would anyone think there was anything amiss?

      I am still dealing with the fallout from those years of pushing myself to be the person everyone thought I was, and still overcoming the urge to apologize for everything, and still learning to let myself be angry at the people who didn’t notice I was struggling.

    3. Lucien Nova*

      Ugh, I hate that it takes so long for people – and women specifically – to find out they do in fact have ADHD!

      My mum just got diagnosed this year. She’s sixty-eight. She never even knew ADHD was a possibility until I got my ADHD and autism diagnoses at the end of last year (lots of “…Why does this also describe me?”), and now that she has it confirmed, well, it’s quite literally taken her entire mindset, turned it upside down and given it a shake for good measure.

      As she put it to me, “Suddenly I know why I do things.”

      I’m so sorry it took you so long to get your diagnosis as well, Julie, and I agree with you. Just explain what’s necessary, LW – Alison’s given you spot-on advice about framing this as acknowledgement and not apology. You should not have to apologise for your brain and body being miswired, as that’s entirely not your fault or a choice you made – but I think it won’t go amiss to acknowledge that it did cause issues and you appreciate your manager helping you come to the conclusion that there is in fact room for improvement.

      Best of luck to you, LW. (And to you, Julie!)

  16. Guacamole Bob*

    As a manager, Alison’s framing here is great. As a human being managing others, it’s really not fun to put people on PIPs, not renew their contracts, impose discipline, fire them, etc. On a human emotional level, an apology isn’t necessary in OP’s situation, but it’s really nice to know that the employee has a realistic grasp on the performance issues and feels like the manager handled them respectfully and fairly.

    It can be hard to feel like employee is holding a grudge, that they think the manager is unfair and has it out for them, that the performance issues weren’t trumped up, etc. Sometimes managers have to live with employees feeling that way, of course. But it seems like OP is looking for ways to make sure her manager knows that she doesn’t hold that kind of grudge, which is a lovely thing to want to do in a hard situation. And I think Alison’s script does that very well.

  17. Parenthesis Guy*

    Any employee that wouldn’t struggle in a year where they had a “serious illness, a surprise surgery, and two miscarriages, a mid-life diagnosis of ADHD, plus a recurrence of some life-long mental health challenges; all of this culminated in my needing to go on FMLA leave to receive mental health treatment” is either ready for a promotion to a much higher position or is in a position where they have a minimal amount of work. They’re clearly in a job where they don’t need to put in a full forty hours a week. I don’t think you need to feel guilty that you struggled when all of that happened. And I think if you explained what happened to any employer, they wouldn’t hold this against you.

    I can understand why they let you go. I’m not sure I agree with it, but I get it. But if I was your employer, I’d feel guilty about what happened even if I had no other options and would be absolutely mortified if you apologized to me. I think they owe you an apology for not giving you another chance after an absolutely dreadful year.

    1. green beans*

      I don’t think it was the second year that was the real issue – I think it was the second year on top of the first year (where there were just straight up performance issues). I’m guessing a lot of performance issues addressed the first year popped up the second – I could be wrong but unmanaged ADHD + high stress has a way of bringing out executive functioning issues, especially if it took a ton of effort for the OP to manage them in the first place (because undiagnosed ADHD).

      Obviously the OP had a really bad year, but if it took a year of effort to get them up to the level they needed, and then it was all undone in the next year, I don’t think non-renewal of contract is an unreasonable decision.

      Now, if the OP comes in and says “oh no I wasn’t having most of the issues I was having my first year; I was just out a lot and not as productive when I was in due to emotional/physical stress, but I was highly communicative of that so we could plan around it,” then yeah it’s a crappy decision. So it would really depend on the details.

  18. el l*

    “I understand why you couldn’t keep me on, and I’m learning from this experience. I mean that. Best of luck to you.”

    What happened here was that you didn’t perform to their expectations, or to your own expectations. Sucks, and it sounds like you’ll learn from it to keep it from happening again.

    Underperforming is not a moral wrong.

    1. Despachito*

      And it is a great art to be able to recognize that as calmly as OP did, without excuses or self-accusations. Sheet happens, and I see particular greatness in the ability to recognize that I deserved to be let go and I do not hold it against those who fired me. I do not think many people are able to do that, they are usually mad and/or hold a grudge.

      1. El l*

        Yes. it’s a mark of character and maturity. “Yeah, I had to fire that person…but they handled it so upright. Respect.”

  19. DivergentStitches*

    I did this after a failed run at a company where I wasn’t a good fit due in part to undiagnosed autism (was finally diagnosed at 39). After I left (on less-than-stellar terms), I did send emails to the head of HR and my supervisor (I was a recruiter) to explain that I did pursue testing and I am autistic and it explains some of the struggles that I had in the position, and I hoped they didn’t think too badly of me. The head of HR didn’t respond but my former supervisor sent a kind email back saying of course he didn’t and that he wished me well.

  20. Tangerina Warbleworth*

    To add a thought to Alison’s exemplary advice: the fact that the company isn’t renewing your contract does not mean that they’ll never hire you again.

    I understand that you were put on a PIP and did not improve enough in the time given for that renewal, but the point is still true. I think if you take Alison’s advice, and professionally acknowledge the situation, that could go a long way toward future hiring.

    Best of luck while you cope and heal.

  21. Anonymous cat*

    I said something similar once. I had a really bad period that mixed with Covid AND a family crisis and my employer gave me the time to sort it out.

    Fortunately I did and even managed to get my work back to my previous good levels. I thanked my boss for their patience and that I understood it had been extra work for them. I think it would have embarrassed them if I apologized.

    For naysayers about being kind to employees who are struggling—one benefit to my employer was that they didn’t lose all the money and time they had invested in me beforehand. And when I got back up to speed, they had the same known quantity of a good employee instead of a newbie.
    So I’d call that a win for all.

  23. Captain dddd-cccc-ddWdd*

    I’ve thought about this kind of issue quite a bit (not specifically in response to this letter, but I’ve been the colleague, and manager (at different times with different people) of someone who was underperforming in a similar manner).

    Where I’ve landed on it is: it is good for the underperforming person to acknowledge, but not “apologise”, to the manager. It may also be appropriate for the manager to acknowledge and/or apologise to the other team members, if it resulted in a lot of extra work for them and wasn’t handled promptly. In the most recent situation I had of this (where I was a close colleague of the underperforming person) it had reached the point that I repeatedly had to cancel planned PTO to pick up the slack, work early/late/weekends to redo work that had tight deadlines and which the colleague had messed up, etc. I would have appreciated thank you or sorry from our manager, as it had taken way too long to resolve (I understand that there’s a process, but even so). Crickets. Not even any acknowledgement of how things had been difficult or thanks for cancelling plans at all, it was just “expected”.

    I have also been in situations where the underperformer, recognising this, apologised to their team mates for the extra load it had put on them. I expect people will disagree with me here and say this is a management problem to resolve, and it is, but ultimately it’s caused by the person.

  24. ijustworkhere*

    I really appreciate this letter writer’s maturity and the response Allison suggested. As a manager, I have occasionally found myself in the tricky place of having an employee that I know is struggling with health (or other) issues beyond their control; but who are nonetheless not able to perform at the level the organization needs for them to remain employed. An organization can only accommodate so much. I appreciate the LW understanding that, and I agree–no apologies necessary.

  25. Slaw*

    There are a lot of challenges going on there, making things far more difficult than they would be under normal circumstances – but as someone with ADHD, it’s an extremely common disorder and, even untreated, isn’t really an excuse for being “difficult to manage”. I feel like you’re identifying this as your only reason for your weak points. I’m not saying it doesn’t contribute – but I find it extraordinarily unlikely that this is the ONLY reason you have been difficult to manage and struggled as an employee.
    Particularly since, though you may have only recent gotten the diagnosis, you’ve likely been dealing with it for quite some time long before these last two years with this company.
    That said, it sounds like a myriad of unfortunate health issues have hit you and that’s brutal and I feel for you. And, please get your ADHD treated and I am certain it will help you moving forward. I just strongly suggest evaluating the rest of your work habits and performances beyond just that piece.

  26. Cherry Sours*

    OP, I’m sorry that your year ends on a low note, but had to say receiving an ADHD diagnoses is an eyeopening experience…received mine shortly after beginning college in my late 50’s. It certainly explains a lot about our lives, doesn’t it? I think seeing our actions as we look back on our lives is an education in itself, and having a manager who takes the time to explain where our weeknesses lie go a long way in a better life as we move forward. Sending good vibes for your health as you move forward.

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