weekend open thread — July 13-14, 2024

by Alison Green on July 12, 2024

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand.

Here are the rules for the weekend posts.

Book recommendation of the week: Jackpot Summer, by Elyssa Friedland. In the wake of their  mother’s death, three of four siblings win Powerball, but it turns out becoming millionaires overnight isn’t what they’d expected.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

You may also like:
{ 1,123 comments }

{ 1,123 comments… read them below }

  1. Ask a Manager* Post author

    The weekend posts are for relatively light discussion and comments should ask questions and/or seek to discuss ideas. Recommendations or one to two updates on things you received advice about in the past are fine, but “here’s what happened to me today” personal-blog-style posts will be removed. We also can’t do medical advice here.

    Please give the full rules a re-read.

  2. sarah*

    I’m in the very early stages of starting to plan my wedding and It. Is. Overwhelming.

    For people who had weddings, I would love to hear one thing you would change about your wedding if you could. Also if there’s anything you did that you would strong recommend or are very glad you did, I would love to hear that too.

    1. JustKnope*

      I wish I had invested in video. I don’t need a cinematic masterpiece but just having a recording of my ceremony would be SO nice.

      1. NotBatman*

        Up to OP, but my friend was able to prop an iPhone on a table and film our wedding from a corner of the room for $0 extra. That said, this was June 2020, so the “wedding” consisted of me, my fiancé, and our friend standing in the friend’s living room. Still, I love having that video and have rewatched it a few times.

    2. ProfessionalMess*

      Not a planning issue exactly but I wish my partner and I had hung out together more at the reception. We both were too busy making sure our respective guests were okay that we didn’t get a lot of time together.

      I am continually happy that we did what seemed fun to us and affordable rather than what seemed “required” for a wedding.

      1. Peanut Hamper*

        When I read this, I immediately thought “consigliere” from The Godfather which is completely wrong (thank you, weird brain of mine), but maybe there is somebody you can appoint to make sure that everybody there is happy so you can enjoy the moment.

        It would not be bad if this actually became a thing. We just need a title for it.

      2. Hyaline*

        Something we did in this vein that was a stroke of brilliance–instead of a head table, we set up a table for four with two empty chairs. Husband and I sat at that table and folks could drop by and chat for a bit, but we also had plenty of time during dinner to just hang out together.

    4. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I have been married three times, and the fewer people involved, the happier I was. Heh.

      The thing I did that made me the happiest: we did our honeymoon FIRST. We were both calm and happy and relaxed going into the wedding and reception.

    5. RagingADHD*

      I got the balance wrong between giving my bridesmaids autonomy and making them think too hard. I had a mixed seasonal bouquet, so I sent them the color pallette and said “You are all grown women who can dress yourselves. It’s a daytime wedding. The weather is likely to hit a high of 85F, and we will have to walk outside from the chapel to the reception hall. Please just wear a knee length solid color dress that will make you comfortable and coordinate with one of these flowers.”

      Wrong. They were so stressed out trying to pick things I would approve of, and I could not seem to convey that I really did not care about their shoes, or their hair, or makeup, or anything beyond those parameters.

      If I had it to do over, I would have blue hydrangeas for the bouquets, pick like 5 or 6 appropriate options from David’s Bridal in blue, and tell them to pick from that and wear nude heels.

      I am very happy that we had a daytime event with a “tea dance” instead of a dinner reception – just a generous selection of hot & cold appetizers in the middle of the afternoon. And that we cut out the videographer because I was a performer at the time, and video = work. No fun for me.

      With the money we saved there, we got a live swing band instead. Very fun!

      1. NotBatman*

        I’ve been there as a bridesmaid! The (environmentalist) bride said “just buy something in green that you’ll wear again” — I ended up returning FOUR dresses. One for fit, one because the Maid of Honor got a near-identical dress, one because the bride’s mom disapproved, and one because a different bridesmaid called me in a panic over the groom going “0h. okay.” at a picture of me in the dress.

        Dress #5 was lovely, and I have indeed worn it dozens of times since, but RagingADHD’s right that having too much choice can be stressful for the wedding party.

      2. ecnaseener*

        I have experienced a similar approach working well for the bridesmaid dressed, so it might just be a know-your-bridesmaids thing. It was a little more specific than yours though (for one wedding it was grey/dull blue family and flowy chiffon, for another it was a precise color shade from David’s but no fabric restrictions; both did specify length and solids and I think shoe color but not style). No one in either wedding struggled with it afaik.

      1. allathian*

        Same, or nearly. We only invited our families of origin and my MIL’s husband, by text. We got married in a civil ceremony, my husband wore a suit and I wore a maternity dress and black leggings and flat shoes. My sister and SIL were our witnesses, a member of staff used our digital camera to take wedding photos, which we sent to our family members by email. When we made a photo book of our son’s first year, the wedding photo was on the first page. No formal thank you notes, either.

        The reseptin was at our house.
        My FIL gave us a vase, the rest pooled their funds for a coffee service, which my parents brought the day before so we could wash them. We got two savory pies and a cake from a local bakery.

        No stress, at all. The wedding required less planning than, say, my 40th birthday party (in my culture, the birthday celebrant does all the planning, surprise parties aren’t a thing). And I got no pushback from my friends who’d had big weddings because I was 8 months pregnant at the time. Granted, my friends are decent people so there wouldn’t have been any serious pushback in any case, but this way there were no jokes, either.

        What I’m trying to say is that it’s okay to skip all the parts of a wedding that you and your spouse don’t want to do. All you really need is an officiant and yourselves, everything else you can skip if you want.

      2. Aspiring Francophone*

        Very similar here too.
        We got married during covid and with the in-country restrictions at the time we could only have 6 people (ourselves included) at the town hall for the ceremony. We’re both expats so our respective families watched via FaceTime. It was a sort of “no other choice” for us but I wouldn’t have changed a thing.

        Everyone has different situations and preferences of course but I’ll add that I work in hospitality where I secondhand see about a dozen weddings a month. So many people seem focused on how to make the wedding ideal for everyone else that they end up drowning in stress. At the end of the day what’s important should be what YOU and your spouse-to-be find important.

        1. NotBatman*

          Yes! Fellow COVID elopee here, very happy with that decision.

          Good friends of ours had their marriage fall apart over the stress of the wedding — they overspent, got into a ton of arguments over planning, had intractable differences on wedding ideals, and ended up divorced a year later.

      3. Zephy*

        +1. The only thing that made what my husband and I did not technically an elopement was that we told our families beforehand, LMAO.

        Of course, responding to a thread about wedding planning with “i didn’t have a wedding lolol” isn’t helpful, so let me also add: everyone and their grandmother (probably *especially* their, your, hell anyone’s grandmother within earshot) is going to have Opinions about everything you do and/or don’t do in relation to your wedding. To hell with every single one of them, it’s YOUR wedding. The only things that HAVE to be there and can’t be substituted or replaced are you and your future spouse. EVERY other detail – the bridal party, officiant, venue, menu, music, script, dress code, guest list – there are No Actual Rules about any of that shit. Do what is meaningful to you.

    7. Jackalope*

      I will think about it a bit, but one of my favorite decisions was to have the wedding at 1:30 and then the reception at 5:30. We had time for pictures and didn’t miss half the reception because of them, people had time to go rest for a bit (kids got naps, etc.), people who didn’t want to go to both could quietly go home or show up later, and so on. It also gave us the time to get a little bit of a break.

      I also picked a reception location that meant a lot to me (we got married in my now-spouse’s church, so we were both represented in the locations). It made me happy and I felt super comfortable being in a space that I liked.

      Also, not sure how you’re doing money-wise, but we found it helpful to pick one or two things each to splurge on and then cheerfully be cheap on other things. That way we each got a fancy thing we liked, but the cost wasn’t too overwhelming.

      Lastly, the one and only book I read (that I will keep recommending) was A Practical Wedding (I believe the author is Meg Keene). It’s a great help and I truly enjoyed it.

      1. Seashell*

        That sort of time frame was common among the various Catholic weddings I attended when all my friends were getting married, and we typically found it annoying, although we knew they were at the mercy of the church’s timing. If you live far enough away that you don’t want to make two trips, you have to try to find someone’s house to hang out in or go to a place that will let you hang out or feel awkward being at a coffee shop, etc., in wedding attire. It would never have occurred to me to want to rest after getting dressed up – I just want to finish the event.

        At my wedding, we did the ceremony and the reception at the same location, and the pictures were done during the cocktail hour. I was fine with that.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Yeah, if I had to leave and go home (or as you say find somewhere else to be) and then come back again, I probably would just come to one half or the other, not both. I don’t want to sit around my house in my nice clothes, I don’t want to change and then put myself back together again, basically once I leave the house for a thing I want to do the whole thing :)

        2. Jackalope*

          I hear that, and I know not everyone feels the way I do about this. My issue is that I’ve been to a ton of weddings where there’s the wedding and then everyone either goes out to the reception or heads to the reception location (depending on whether they were at the same location) and then just…. waits. And waits. And waits. The bride and groom as well as potentially family and wedding party are spending an hour or two getting pictures and everyone else is just sitting there. They can’t start the meal if there is one (although there might be appetizers), they aren’t starting the dancing (although there might be music), none of the toasts, nothing. If you’re at the wedding of someone you know well then you probably know some of the other guests and can enjoy yourself, but if that’s not the case then you just have all this time to… sit there, waiting. And then when the bride and groom come out they’re harried and flustered and maybe a bit cranky.

          The first time I went to a wedding where the reception was a few hours later, it was a revelation. I just went home and chilled for a few hours and then headed back out. Didn’t have to wait for everyone to finish pictures or ceremony (Catholic wedding) or anything like that. All of the waiting time was at home where I could do my own thing instead of at a reception hall where I had to sit at a table and look pleasant. Then a few years later I went to a family wedding that had the same gap. The wedding reception was at a local hotel and all of us (including those who were local) stayed at the hotel. We hung around for the family pictures and then went back to the hotel where we played cards, went swimming, and shot the breeze until the reception, where we just went downstairs and had a good time at my cousin’s big party.

          I can understand what you’re saying about people who are at the wrong distance to be able to get home during that gap or go back to a hotel. I can see how that would be annoying to people in that category. And I probably lost some guests in the break. But it was so worth it to be able to be there for the entire reception rather than missing the first hour or two, and have taking pictures be relaxed and not me feeling stressed about all of our guests who were waiting for us and twiddling their thumbs.

          1. Seashell*

            You got all dressed up for a wedding, went swimming, and then got all dressed up again. Are you a man? I can’t see showering, blow drying my hair, doing my make-up, and getting dressed in fancy attire twice in one day if I didn’t have to.

            I think the problem is that the people you know were taking too long for pictures. 2 hours seems a bit much. One hour while everyone is at a cocktail hour is fine with no waiting involved.

            1. Jackalope*

              Hah! I’m not a man, but it’s true that I’ve never been super into getting dressed up and such. I don’t wear makeup and I had one or two simple hairstyles that took 5 minutes, so getting dressed and ready again took me only 10 min or so. Also, I almost ended up wearing dirty jeans and t-shirt to the wedding because the airline lost my luggage and got it back to me just in time; I had already explained to my cousin that I wasn’t dressing down for her wedding, I just didn’t have other clothes, and she was fine with that. So having my actual dress was a step up even post-swimming. But I know not everyone is going to feel that way about getting ready again.

              (Note that I learned from this experience and no longer put essential clothing or items in a checked bag.)

              1. allathian*

                Yes, this. I mean, I totally understand that for some brides, getting ready for their wedding means 15 minutes getting dressed with the help of their MOH and 90 minutes at least for hair and makeup. But it doesn’t have to be like that. I had a bob at the time, and I just put some hairwax and glitter spray on and did my normal party makeup, 10 minutes max. I quit wearing makeup during the pandemic.

                1. carcinization*

                  I also quit wearing makeup during the pandemic (well, I might put eye makeup on once or twice a year, but that’s it), and in reference to someone else’s comment, hanging out at a coffee shop in wedding attire sounds really fun to me! In my case though, my husband and I had a courthouse wedding with just immediate family present, so only a few people had a wait between the wedding and the reception, as most people just attended the reception.

          2. Mulligatawney*

            We did the posed photos before the ceremony, so there was no waiting around at the reception.

            We also had a receiving line. I know they’re out of style, but it made sure that we spoke to everyone that attended. Worked really well for us.

            And the important parts of the reception are food and music. Don’t let wedding planners talk you into all sorts of so-called “traditional” stuff that just adds cost and is mostly invented to keep guests amused.

          3. Middle Aged Lady*

            That’s too long a wait. Very rude IMO to keep guests waiting that long.
            I had a small wedding but I have been to larger ones where the photos were done in 30 minutes. I would advise the OP to get a helper to wrangle family you want in those photos so it goes quickly, and work with the photographer ahead of time and tell them 30 minutes max after the ceremony.
            And be sure the band or DJ isn’t so loud your guests have to shout to talk at their tables. We have left some weddings early because of this.
            An old-fashioned receiving line isn’t done much anymore, but assign a mixer or two from each side who will make sure important people meet each other at the reception so people get to know who’s who. So your granny meets your great-aunt and so on.

        3. Hyaline*

          Yeah, we were really intentional about making sure people weren’t at loose ends during the gap so we kept it short (an hour and a half was plenty for pictures and getting to the reception site) and provided a space at the church for hanging out in the gap between ceremony and reception.

      2. Mrs Claus*

        Seconding focusing on just a few things which really matter, and the book A Practical Wedding!

      3. Local Garbage Committee*

        Seconding A Practical Wedding- it was so helpful for figuring out big picture what mattered/what didn’t for us and for working through logistics. It looks like the website (apracticalwedding dot com) is still active too.

      4. kalli*

        My brother had a ‘destination wedding’ in that he came home to get married in front of parents and people who’d helped him out here and for his partner’s family to meet us, so we ended up having a weekday wedding! We were able to avoid all major holidays, he had his run of venues, I’d just represented a celebrant at work and he was available, and partner’s family got a week-long tour package and cheaper flights instead of flying during holidays and on weekends. We had the ceremony at 2pm and then everyone assembled at the visitors AirBnB for afternoon tea, a BBQ and a chat. We did the family meeting at a restaurant on kids-eat-free day so my stepniece got to have her own meal eating out for the first time, and they spent the rest of the week having all the cool tourist things to themselves (feeding the koalas, etc.). The overall cost save for flights was about AU$4k, and the only things I didn’t do myself were the venue (I gave him a list of 5 and he picked one), the makeup and hair (I did mine and my mum’s, and found a lovely person who had experience with partner’s phenotype to do hers, and just supplied professional makeup remover and toiletries for the rest of the time), and the BBQ which I took my brother shopping for and he cooked. It was really special because everyone was involved and it was so small and personal.

        The one thing I regret was letting my brother deal directly with the celebrant instead of being a liaison, as there were some balls dropped because my brother didn’t come early to meet with him and the paperwork had to be redrawn to be legally compliant, and who I picked to preserve the bouquet – I didn’t know I was getting it as a thank you gift and had to make a swift decision before it couldn’t be saved and the person who took it didn’t put it in a shadow box like I had requested, just in a gift box in plastic! It’s now sitting with my mum’s bouquet and occasionally moulting. :(

    8. Angstrom*

      We realized that out-of-town guests would be coming in the night before and would be at loose ends until the afternoon wedding. So we had a very informal breakfast: reserved a pavilion in a city park, bagels, fruit, and coffee, everyone welcome. It was great to have low-pressure time with folks we hadn’t seen in a while. At a reception the couple is usually getting pulled in six different directions and can’t spend a lot of time with anyone.

      1. Jay (no, the other one)*

        We were married on the Sunday before Christmas and many of our friends were traveling to the wedding and then going on to their families. We were 24 and almost everyone was in graduate school or a very first job and no one had kids yet. People started coming to town on Friday and my mother stocked the house with cold cuts and sodas and basically threw open the door. People stopped by and hung out and had lunch and we got to have an almost completely relaxed weekend with all our favorite people. When we threw ourselves a 25th anniversary party we tried to recreate that and we did pretty well! Big party Saturday night with dinner and a live band. Outdoor dinner at our house Friday for the folks who came in from out of town, brunch on Sunday for anyone who wanted to show up, and open house all day Saturday. It was so.much.fun.

    10. Dark Macadamia*

      I wish I had… cared less? It’s surprisingly easy to get sucked into Wedding Planning Brain and totally lose the plot. Stuff like I saw a really cute invite style that was too expensive and spent forever trying to find a cheaper version of it, then ended up making my own invites. It’s a piece of paper most people will throw away! Who cares! Or I wanted a really specific color for my bridesmaids, but the groomsmen just got their vests and ties from David’s Bridal so they didn’t quite match… and in photos that color looked better than the Super Special Unique Color I chose anyway. I think just generally don’t forget what matters (to YOU – it’s okay to be really particular about your flowers or whatever, just don’t get hung up on EVERY detail the whole way through).

      I’m glad I did ceremony and reception at the same venue with formal photos before the guests arrived. No hassle of transportation in the middle, no making everyone wait for dinner while we took photos, etc. I do wish we’d done all the outside shots first because I have some “early arrivers” in my extended family that cut the outdoor shots a little short.

    11. Hatchet*

      My thoughts – think about the 1-3 things you and your spouse really want at the wedding and focus on those, then worry less about everything else (as much as you can).
      For us, it was that everyone was well fed, and that we got good pictures of us and our families and guests. (Both were things I was very glad we did. We had a great photographer who got so many great pictures of all combinations of family members and guests!)

      The thing I would change – the only things that weren’t great were things out of my control: alteration on my dress that I didn’t care for & a family member’s shoe broke. And I found out a few days after the wedding that my nephew had Covid at the time, (this was 2 years ago). Thankfully it was a small wedding.

    12. PhyllisB*

      Don’t bother with favors. We got them for our youngest daughter’s wedding and no one bothered to get them. Anybody got any ideas for 100 sets of beach themed coaster sets??

      1. Seashell*

        I gave out a small box of chocolates for my favors, and they all got taken. I’m a fan of disposable favors.

        1. Mrs Claus*

          Oh yes – we just did a small piece of local chocolate at each place setting instead of favors . No one missed them!

        2. PhyllisB*

          Smart!! We had the seashell coasters because it was an outdoor wedding performed on the beach and for the kids beach balls.
          If I am ever involved in planning another wedding it will either be something like this or just skip favors altogether.

      2. kalli*

        My music teacher did the individually initialled rock candy and a card for everyone who helped with the ceremony (I did the music, two other students were ushers, another one supervised the flower girls) and I still have it. But she also gave it to us when school went back after her honeymoon, not at the ceremony. It might be a bit late to send everyone their thank-you-for-coming coaster set, but you could chuck them up on Marketplace and see if anyone else wants them?

        Or they’d make a kickass collage or mosaic feature if you’ve got somewhere that’s boringly cemented over…

      3. Healthcare Worker*

        At my daughter’s wedding we had a large wedding cake, and the favor was a slice of cake in a box with a bamboo disposable fork. They were a hit!

    13. strawberry lemonade*

      Choose one source of advice whose vibe you like, and stick to it. I liked offbeat wedding (I think—formerly known as offbeat bride). Otherwise you WILL go nuts with very different ideas of how it should go.

    14. Free Meerkats*

      The best decision we made was to not feel responsible for entertaining the guests. We didn’t book a block of rooms, we didn’t plan anything for everyone beyond the ceremony and reception.

      Given that both families are spread coast-to-coast, we did ours in Vegas because airfare was cheap, they could stay wherever they liked, and they could entertain themselves.

    15. ThatOtherClare*

      My sister asked our mother to plan all of the floral arrangements for the tables and it worked out really well. One less thing for her to stress about, but it also gave our mother something to be in control of, which made her less likely to want to meddle help with other things. Our mother had the pride of being “So busy helping with all the wedding arrangements!”, and she genuinely does have very good taste and organisational skills, so the flowers arrived on time and looked incredible.

      People get a lot of joy and pride out of helping, so anything you don’t care about – cast it off onto someone else who is hoping to be involved and show you that they care. It frees up your brain for the things you really do care about.

      1. ThatOtherClare*

        Oh, and in case you’re now thinking “Yeah but people don’t actually want to help do they?” let me offer you an example:

        Many years ago my cousin went to her husband’s cousin’s island wedding. She hadn’t met the bride and had only met her parents once. The morning of the wedding she went down to the beach and saw it was covered with grass and leaves. So she went back to her cabin to acquire her husband and a pair of rakes, and they spent two and a half hours raking the entire beach clean so it would look nice in the photos (which it did, by the way). Trust me, if you’re even a half-decent person, people will want to help :)

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          My mother was thrilled to make my and my bridesmaids’ bouquets–they’re silk roses and gorgeous! She also designed my invitations and we printed them on card stock at Kinko’s. Save where you can.

          My favorite part of wedding planning was picking out rings. Rather than go to a jeweler’s, Mom and I went to a little antique store right near the Kinko’s and they had two separate-yet-matching rings: both gold edged with a silver band running through the middle. The woman’s was from the thirties and the man’s the fifties, but you’d think they were commissioned as a set. I brought Husband in to show him and he loved them too, so now we have a lovely set of rings with history rather than overpriced new jewelry. Seriously consider antiques, estate sales, and so on for jewelry.

          1. Anima*

            We were the total opposite – we’ve got custom made rings, expensive and gaudy. But I love my ring so much!
            This goes to the ‘pick what’s important to you to spend money on’ – we picked our rings to be expensive and cheaped out on a lot of other stuff (had a Covid wedding with 6 guests). It was still great for us!

            1. RLC*

              Another vote for “spend your money on YOUR high priority not someone else’s”. My dress was $149 from sample room at local wedding shop, husband’s suit half price from Nordstrom Rack, cake from local bakery (not elaborately decorated but delicious). Reception in our church’s community hall. Photos, photographer friend. Rings…well, that’s where all the money went rather than on wedding day “stuff”. Our opinion that something we expect to wear everyday for the rest of our lives should be the best we can afford.

      2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        On parents meddling: My practice at all my weddings has been, if something is more important to someone else than to me, and I don’t care either way how the thing goes, I give them the option to pay for it. I had plans at my second wedding for self-catered appetizers, and the groom’s parents were mortified, insisted we had to have a seated full meal, and I didn’t really care what kind of food we served, as long as I wasn’t paying more than I had budgeted for it. So I said “Well, that’s not in our budget, do you want to pay for it?” and to them, it was important enough that yes, they did end up paying for the catering and we had a full (buffet) meal instead of the appetizers. But we didn’t have any sort of dancing, and while his parents asked about it, we said “No, we’re not really interested in dancing and a DJ is definitely not in our budget,” they said “Oh, ok” and it never came up again. (We also had a dessert bar with no formal wedding cake, and while people asked about the cake, they ended up liking the cheesecake bites and brownies and cookies way better.)

    16. Reading Rainbow*

      My wedding a couple years ago made me understand the bridezilla thing, because I didn’t care very much about many things but every vendor made me make one million choices and invest so much time and attention in them and it was so stressful for so many months. I told each one many times that I did not care and asked them to give suggestions or use their own judgement, and they never ever would. So I spent months being overwhelmed and unhappy trying to give them all the instructions they were asking for. And then on the day of they just…….. Didn’t follow almost any of that. I decided pretty early on that I was not going to be angry and I was just going to enjoy the wedding anyway, but I realized with sudden acute clarity why you get brides freaking out over like placemats or whatever– you’re telling me you made me spend hours with you looking at placemats and making me create opinions about placemats and spend a stupid amount of money on renting specific placemats now you don’t even have those placemats?? Then why did you DO THAT TO ME, UGGH— ahem.

      I decided to let it all go and ignore it. But if I could go back in time, I would refuse to get overwhelmed and preoccupied with the planning in the first place knowing it really was as unimportant as I thought in the beginning. No I don’t care about the placemats, and I’m not going to sit here with you and get invested in placemats.

      1. Ellis Bell*

        I once heard a newly married guy in the office saying to a newly engaged man in the office: “Whatever you do, don’t say that you ‘don’t care’ about the wedding choices. They won’t let the bride off with that phrase, and she won’t let you off either”.

      2. Falling Diphthong*

        I read an interview with a wedding planner who described how for one wedding everyone she met talked about what a wonderful, kind, caring person the bride was. People were thrilled to help out because she had supported them whenever they needed help. The day of the wedding the bride was so stressed she made a rule that no one could talk to the bride. And the wedding planner realized where the bridezilla thing comes from, that we pile this immense stress on someone who is not an event planner, has probably never planned an event of this size before, and the zeitgeist is it MUST be a perfect, fully unique reflection of her individual taste and vision for the day, down to the tiniest detail, and also MUST be carried off absolutely effortlessly, in all the spare time around your usual work and life, without a hint of stress.

        1. RW*

          oh this reminds me, one of the things that has always happened at weddings I’ve been involved in is there’s always a day-of coordinator – someone who is NOT in the bridal party but has a list of everything that needs to happen and when it needs to happen, and all questions go to them instead. (There may be a clipboard involved.) At my sister’s wedding my mum did it, at one of my flatmates it was our exceptionally organised other flatmate. The list can be prepared by the bride and groom, but on the day anyone who tries to ask them any questions gets a broken record of go talk to (name)

      3. kalli*

        I coordinated my brother’s wedding (destination weddings work better when someone is IN the destination to order things and pay people) and the number of vendors who agreed to one thing and did another without telling us was right up there with the funeral home adding on to our package for our COVID funeral for Mum. I basically recall sitting at a corner at the reception with my container of vegan rice and crying when people were offering me food off the glorious but not very vegan barbecue because my hair had fallen out of the tuck and was giving me a migraine and I just wanted to have ten seconds to nap.
        The next morning I was still so tired I got lost walking across the road from my house.

    17. Isashani*

      Book a venue that looks nice with minimal decoration.
      we didn’t buy fresh flowers except for the bride bouquet. Price and logistics weren’t worth it.
      we booked a venue that also handled catering and had rooms for sleeping (fewer vendors to deal with, probably not the best for cost effectiveness). Perfect for the families with kids. No activities but a fun professional DJ that did a few “games”.
      No bridal party (i’m not from the US).

      lots of excel files. the one with everyone postal adresses is still useful. the budget one was useful too^^

      for inspiration I looked at like 2 blogs. don’t get lost in everything you could do.

      1. Still married*

        I’ve been married forever, so some of this advice might seem outdated. We had almost no money when we got married, so we hired the local deli to prepare platters of food, some college kids to serve and take care of the guests. we got to use a public park for the ceremony, outdoors, and had the reception in the upstairs room of a local bar that we had a connection to.
        I had a local seamstress Make my dress as I wanted a full length, purple silk gown.
        If I had anything to do over, I would’ve invited more people. We had a very small wedding and small wedding party, and there are people that I would’ve invited, if I’d realized that even 10 more people wouldn’t have made that much of a difference in cost.

        All this is to say I don’t understand the modern ideas that there’s a bachelorette and a pre-bachelorette and the gown has to be expensive and the colors have to be perfect – my maid of honor or an outfit she already had, the best man rented his suit with the groom, And my brother videotaped the whole thing. Two of the guests gave us photos that they took in a bound album as their gift. It was really a DIY type of wedding and it was one of the best parties I ever attended.

        Tl:dr. Keep it simple, make it unique, and invite everybody you want to invite.

        1. kalli*

          My dad took photos at my cousins’ wedding and my brother and I custom-made an album in their wedding colours out of a regular A4 ring binder, coloured card, and stamp sheets.

      2. Falling Diphthong*

        The all-inclusive options can be good at curtailing the endless list of choices Reading Rainbow described.

    18. Viette*

      The best surprise-success aspect of our wedding was when my MIL convinced us to have a party the night before the wedding, for everyone.

      We were very :/ about the idea, but she was extremely into it. She booked a small restaurant (obviously this is a somewhat expensive maneuver) for the night before the wedding and everyone who was in town was invited. It was not a reception dinner or anything; it was passed hors d’oeuvres, and everyone was given nice calligraphy nametags. We thought it was going to be way too much, but people had a great time and then at the wedding they knew each other already. It really helped people socialize at the wedding itself.

      The nametags affixed with little magnets, and some of our friends family still keep them on their fridges.

      1. The OG Sleepless*

        After the rehearsal dinner, we invited the bridal party to my parents’ house and just chilled out. I’m a morning person and obviously I had a busy day ahead, so at some point I just went to bed and left them to it; they stayed up for a bit and had a great time. (I did have to curb my dad’s enthusiasm before he went out for more beer: I reminded him that they, too, had a busy day the next day and were likely to drink however much they were provided. Ah, youth.) It was honestly one of my fondest memories of the whole wedding, just hanging out with all of our best friends. Some of them were besties with each other and some had just met, but they all had a good time.

      2. Falling Diphthong*

        Friends did this with a barbecue in the park the day before, and I think it’s a good idea if it fits. Especially if you have a lot of people traveling in (that is, you don’t see them at regular gatherings through the year) it helps to give you time with each guest, and to not feel like it all must fit inside the reception.

        If it’s small with a more local guest list, it makes less difference.

    19. Cat*

      We had a short engagement – four months. It was perfect because there was no time to second guess decisions. The size was perfect. We had about 75 people. Except for one persons date, everyone at our wedding was important to us. It really was our closest friends and family. we got married at my parents house and had a beautiful and elegant wedding. Loved it!

    20. Golden*

      Get event insurance! I spent like $170 on it and got around 7k back in otherwise lost deposits when COVID hit.

      I’m not sure how much COVID has changed the insurance industry, but I was surprised at how much it did cover at the time.

    21. Bcat*

      I wouldn’t change a thing about ours based on some key decisions:
      – we set a strict budget and stuck to it. We were fortunate to pay for it ourselves which also lessened the influence we felt others could exert.
      – we set a strict small guest list count (~65) and stuck to it ruthlessly. Did it mean some friends and family weren’t there? Yes, but we also got to spend quality time with literally every guest at the reception, and the people who were there were the ones who influenced us the most as people/ as a couple.
      – we took all the couples portraits the day before. I had friends doing my hair, makeup, and photos though so this was easier for me to get done up twice. Then the day of, we did family and post-ceremony couple pics. It cut wayyyyy down on the photo exhaustion factor and time when we just wanted to hang with everyone at the reception.
      – echoing others here- people who love you want to help! Find roles that play to their strengths.

      Above all, don’t get sucked into thinking what others want for you is what you two want. It’s your day and at the end of it, the important thing is you’re married! I guarantee you and your guests won’t remember the small details you could drive yourself crazy over, but you WILL remember the time you spent with them, so make choices that maximize actually being around the ones who are there to celebrate you. Congrats!

    22. Falling Diphthong*

      I thought the best advice I gave my daughter was to make a list of the things pertaining to the wedding, and then figure out which ones are really important to them, which they would like to be “nice” but they don’t care as much about the form, and which they actually don’t care about, and so could eliminate or do at the most basic level.

      For her, the photography was really important, while the venue and flowers are in “they should be nice.” For my niece, good wine was important.

    23. Fidgety Bassist*

      I had a winter wedding in a cold climate and it was a fantastic decision. All of our first choice wedding vendors were available, we got a great deal on a high demand venue that was happy to have off season business and we had dog sledding (and a puppy pen!) for guests at our very casual after wedding breakfast. I would recommend an off-season date if you aren’t already locked in.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Ok, I would go to a lot more weddings if they had puppies there.

      2. nonprofit director*

        I also had a winter wedding in a high-demand location and got my chosen date and time within six months of our date. It had snowed two days before and our outdoor pictures are so pretty. We invited only our closest family members, so about 25 people total. The wedding and the wedding dinner after were so lovely and intimate. This was over 34 years ago and family members still tell me it was the best wedding they ever went to. We had a larger wedding party four weeks later, mainly because a parent who will not be named wanted a big show wedding and was disappointed in our choice of small wedding, and we let them pay for this party. I loved our wedding and I would not have changed a thing, I would have happily skipped the later party.

    24. Mrs Claus*

      Most of what I wanted to say has been covered, chiefly decide on a handful of things that actually matter and let everything else go. Here’s what I have to add/wouldn’t change:
      – We took photos before the ceremony so we could hang out with our guests more.
      – We had the ceremony and reception in the same place so no one had to move about – I always hate that at weddings.
      – We had one attendant each, and just told them to wear a suit or dress in whatever color – they didn’t have to match!
      – I got my dress at David’s Bridal, off the rack. It was like my third favorite of the ones I tried but fit the best – it didn’t need any alternation! I can’t even remember the other dresses. Mine was perfect.
      – No ‘colors’. Everything we had to pick a color for was white so everything matched. If we’d chosen, say, blue, we’d have had to match baby blue to dusty blue to sort-of-a-bit-teal… no. White.
      – We trusted our vendors. I asked for a bouquet costing $X made out of whatever (white) flowers were in season and lots of greenery. It was beautiful.

    25. Veronica*

      Hire a wedding planner. That is my one big regret that I didn’t do.

      Things I’m glad I did do: get a custom dress (it was orange!), have living centerpieces made by a greenhouse that guests took home (flowers seemed so wasteful to me), and prioritize having good quality food (especially having one of our two meal choices be vegetarian). Obviously those things might not be important to you, but think about what you value, and make decisions in line with that

    26. Hotdog not dog*

      I wouldn’t change anything. Our wedding (30 years ago) was perfectly imperfect. My mom, who had a small, casual, rushed wedding herself, had always wanted a big formal wedding, so she did a lot of the things that I found irritating and nitpicky. She picked the venue, the flowers, the table settings, the invitations, and a good chunk of the guest list, LOL! I picked the groom, the color scheme, my dress, and the style for the bridesmaids dresses. The bridesmaids chose the color of their dresses within the color scheme and they chose whatever style of shoes they wanted. We ended up with one in pink 4″ stilettos, one in apricot ballet flats, one in blue 2″ block heels, and one in lavender dyed keds!
      My husband picked the DJ, the first dance song, and the food and beverage menu.
      Because we were married in the Catholic church, they pretty much went with the standard routine for the ceremony.
      Congratulations, and best wishes for a long and happy marriage!

      1. Sointosummdt*

        Not my wedding, but we attended the wedding of our friends daughter some years ago, which was held at the local zoo. They had a huge hall for the actual reception, and the ceremony itself was outdoors in front of the giraffe pen. Sounds weird, but it was the best wedding I’ve ever been to.

    27. Llellayena*

      I’m still in the middle of planning, but my big advice is don’t overestimate how much you can DIY. In fact, only commit to about half of what you think you want to DIY. I’m sitting here 3 months out looking at the list of things we need to build, assemble, write or design and saying where did the time go…

    28. Bibliovore*

      I wish I had a video too. I was extremely self conscious when I was younger. So it was the money and my own anxiety.
      What I was super happy I did- I had a floor length dress and wore white reeboks (that no one saw)

    29. Monkey's Paw Manicure*

      One thing we would have changed? No photographer. Technically the guy did a lousy job, but more importantly, he took us away from the fun for dumb, stilted poses. The pictures our friends took were great and captured lots of candid moments. This was before cell phone cameras, so we should have bought a few of those disposable cameras.

      Very glad we did? Not overthinking it. Weddings are only overwhelming if you *allow* them to be. We had so many other, more important things going on that our wedding was a low, low priority. We kept it small and had it in the back yard. Didn’t have a theme, song, color, mood board, rented car, rented clothes, centerpieces, favors, sashes proclaiming BRIDE’S POSSE, a band, a DJ, hair-makeup-nail special effect artists, security goons, or whatever people seem to need these days for their starter bankruptcy. We had a recommendation for a caterer from a friend we trusted, picked food from the menu, and didn’t bother with tastings. We asked the caterer if she could make a cake and she did. We went to the liquor store and asked for recommendations for champagne and wine for the number of people we’d invited, and we were done.

      1. Ali + Nino*

        I also wish I had thought.more about the photographer. My now-husband had a classmate who had worked as a photographer and hooked him up with someone for some deal and the pictures are…fine but I wish I had been able to think more about what I wanted and gotten some more creative shots.

        I will also suggest that you spell out what you definitely do or dont want pictures of – our photographer missed my husband’s parents walking him down the aisle (don’t worry, they got a shot of the violinist instead lol) and they took almost no pictures of me with my dad’s extended family because they assumed I wasn’t close with them? it was weird. congrats and best of luck!

    30. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

      I had a very small city wedding wedding, 25 years ago, but one thing I’m very glad we did: we asked everyone to be there at 2:00, so my now-spouse, my mother, and I could eat lunch beforehand. We went to a Chinese restaurant, but the basic recommendation is: give yourselves time for a meal beforehand, and get someone else to do the work.

    31. Anonymous Educator*

      For people who had weddings, I would love to hear one thing you would change about your wedding if you could.

      I wish we hadn’t made such a big deal about the event and had just gone to city hall. Saved that money for a down payment or a nice, intimate party with friends without all the fanfare and extended family.

      Also if there’s anything you did that you would strong recommend or are very glad you did, I would love to hear that too.

      The one thing I did like is that we got married in the winter. Cheaper pricing for everything than the summer. Also, if you’re all dressed up, the cold is much more bearable than the heat.

    32. Chauncy Gardener*

      We (40 years ago) did a small (35+ people) wedding at my parents house. No best man, attendants, etc. Tea length dress, husband wore a tux. JP did the ceremony and it was lovely. Had glasses of champagne circulated right after the ceremony. My brother put the (recorded) music together. Catered buffet, open bar. No dancing. Nice cake.
      Everyone said it was the nicest wedding they had been to. It was intimate and not formulaic.
      The only thing I would have improved was the photographer, but the photos are fine.

    33. Once too Often*

      Friends had a lovely afternoon wedding at a State park. Beautiful setting, nice reception with cake, tea, & dancing.

      Park has cabins for overnights. All the out of town guests were invited to stay at the park instead of hotels, & they served a catered dinner that night, & brunch the next day. Said it was wonderful to have relaxed time with those who had traveled to be there before they all returned home.

    34. Jake*

      We invited only immediate family members and our two best friends (total of seven guests), got married by the justice of the peace in his courtroom, and went to dinner at a nice restaurant afterwards. Moms took a couple of photos. About as simple as you can get, and relatively inexpensive. We’ve never once regretted not having a big bash. We’re coming up on our 46th anniversary.

    35. Cacofonix*

      For me, I was glad to have ditched the extras and not having been precious about details. We didn’t have attendants, gobs of flowers and decorations. Instead we chose a charming place to host the reception and let the architecture and decor provide the ambiance. We had an evening wedding, so one venue, married, eat, a local band, dance, done. Requested no gifts; we wanted to make it feel like an enjoyable, celebratory evening out for everyone. Our ceremony was super simple so no rehearsal needed. We booked a restaurant for close family and those who travelled to attend the night before. One thing I wished I planned in advance but we managed anyway was inviting same close family and travellers to brunch day after the wedding. We so rarely get together it was a real highlight.

      People still talk about how elegant and chill it was. About 80 people.

      We had such an easy time planning that we went on our “honeymoon” for 3 weeks in advance and got back a week before the wedding. People couldn’t believe we pulled that off.

    36. Sitting Pretty*

      We had a table just for scrapbook/photo pages. in lieu of a signing book. Bought a giant stack of multicolored scrapbook pages and blocked out a blank square on each page with a sticker that said “your photo will go here later.” Gave a friend who is good at crafty stuff a small budget to supply the table with stamps, stickers, markers.

      People loved this! The kids made glorious stickered pages. Some adults got very creative. Some wrote cute messages. Later that year after the wedding photos were all done, my spouse and I went through and stuck on photos of the people who make each page.

      The two scrapbooks that came out of this are among my most treasured possessions. Really. The spouse and I are divorced now but both of us still enjoy looking through this book from time to time at all the goofy, colorful, sweet things people made for us. They are great photo albums of family and friends to share with our son (now 17!)

    37. slmrlln*

      We had family members traveling internationally, so we wanted to make it a nice occasion, but it helped our sanity and our budget to establish some priorities. Good food and lots of it – important. Attractive and convenient venue – important. Flowers – simple and minimal is fine. DJ – don’t need one, a playlist and some decent speakers is enough. Your priorities might be different, but whatever they are, it helps a lot to articulate them clearly and make sure your partner agrees. Then you can decide what to worry about and what to let go.

    38. wistful*

      Being open to the imperfections of the event really helped us both enjoy ourselves and our guests.
      We got married with family only at city hall, went on our honeymoon (a short 4 days) and then next weekend had a reception for friends and family. The reception was so much more relaxed (except for the things we insisted on doing ourselves, commit to doing very little yourself, please). I asked our wedding day photographer to take portraits of all the
      wedding party with their partners and gave them as framed photos as thank you gifts.
      My one regret was that we have few photos of the reception since we gave in to my brother in law who wanted to be the reception photographer. He got tired and sat down to eat and no more photos! But that also meant more time visiting with guests and not posing for photos.
      Good luck with your planning!

    39. Natalie*

      Congratulations!!

      One thing I would change:
      I would have given my husband more items from the to-do list! He was in charge of music (so, finding a DJ and arranging a play list.) I was in charge of: everything else.

      Strong recommend:
      – We had a carriage that carried us off from the church and we drove around for 15 or 20 minutes before rejoining everyone for the reception. It was lovely, but it was also just really nice to have a few minutes to breathe in between the ceremony and the reception, and to go, “Wow! We’re MARRIED now!” <3 <3 <3
      You don't need a carriage necassarily, but if you can build in a little bit of time to yourselves as a couple, just 10 or 20 minutes, it can make the rest of the event easier, especially if you're an introvert like me, who finds all of the attention and stuff kind of overwhelming, even though it's all very positive.
      – Eat your meal before going around the other tables to talk to people. Seriously. If you don't eat first, you will never make it back to your food, and you will be hungry.
      – If you get a really fancy updo hairstyle, be sure to wear a button up shirt not a t-shirt so that you can remove it to change into your wedding dress without messing up your hair

      Also, please remember that someone will probably be upset by something at your wedding. You don't know who that person is, or what will annoy them, so just resolve right now to not worry about it.

      Best of luck! <3

      1. Seashell*

        The woman that worked at our reception site promised to come fetch us to get back to our meals to make sure that we ate. That was a plus.

    40. Katefish*

      After the ceremony, we immediately started feeding guests from the lunch buffet while we took pictures – highly recommend both based on my experience as a bride and an attendee. If I did it again I’d have the caterers set aside plates for us though – my husband forgot to eat.

    41. Anon for this moment*

      I’ll tell you what I would have changed about a relative’s wedding — he picked a place where all the bathrooms were on the 2nd floor and there was no elevator. His aged grandmother had to be lifted up the stairs on a chair by four grandsons. I’m sure she was terrified thinking that they might drop her.

      It was otherwise a lovely venue, but that part was not great.

      Also, think about timing and convenience for your guests. I’ve had a couple of relatives put their weddings on Sunday night. When I was young, I’d twist myself into knots to go to something like that, leaving the wedding early and taking a red eye so that I could be at work on time in the morning. Now, I just skip it — I no longer have the energy for that.

    42. Reba*

      Glad:
      Upped our budget for food and music. (live music for the ceremony was a relative’s gift) People mentioned the reception food and dj to us for years afterward!
      Served pie instead of cake.
      Laid out the reception tables so that people passed by our table on their way to the dessert table… this was actually not planned but it ended up being an easy way to greet almost every guest!

      Would change:
      We tried a lot to make “green” and “local” choices, obviously it’s good to do this where one can but it added a lot of extra coordination. I don’t regret this but wish I had cared less.
      We did a hotel block that was physically closest to the venue (on the edge of town) but with not much else nearby for out of town guests, so it was a bit of a dud from a hospitality perspective.

    43. Angstrom*

      Regrets: The “duty invites”. We gave in to pressure from parents to invite distant relatives we had never met and have never seen again.

      1. Seashell*

        I told my mother that I would only invite relatives who could pick me out of a line-up. That limited it.

    44. Goldfeesh*

      We got married at the courthouse with no fuss. We got be in the courtroom because enough family and friends showed up. Then went to a local sit-down restaurant for a reception. I do regret that we didn’t do a honeymoon, but we didn’t have the time off from our jobs.

    45. Comma Queen*

      I wish we had done an engagement session with our photographer. He was great, but we would have been a lot more relaxed and playful if we had worked with him beforehand.

      I loved that we set up wine tasting with all of our friends later in the day when most people came into town. Rehearsal day was too stressful to see them, and we were juggling a lot on wedding day, but we felt that we got to spend time with the people who had flown across the country for us.

      Another thing I loved – we had a DJ who we knew from our swing dancing days. He led a dance lesson for everyone while we took photos. Everyone was entertained and had more fun when the dancing started, and we didn’t feel like we missed the party to get photos.

    46. Almost Academic*

      I’m in the middle of planning right now, so just hopping in to say solidarity. I really didn’t realize quite how overwhelming (and lonely! and hard!) planning would be, even with a partner that is wonderful and supportive. It puts a lot of pressure on you and all of your relationships.

      One piece of advice that I haven’t seen yet – read The Art of Gathering. I found it really helpful in early stages (more so than wedding planning books and blogs) to define and articulate what I actually wanted out of a wedding. It was a really helpful starting point for communication with my fiance about what type of wedding we were planning and why, and informed a lot of decisions since.

    47. Owlette*

      Best tips I got were:
      1. As others have said above, some sort of video of the ceremony – it goes by fast!
      2. Spend money on what is important to you and cheap out on what’s not. I cheaped out on the invites, vases, wedding cake and we chose a spit roast style food (which was cheaper and more our vibe anyway). We spent money on the venue, accommodation for guests, flowers and drinks. Keeping suppliers local also helped.

    48. Artemesia*

      From my daughter’s. She cut out a lot of traditions like bouquet throwing and instead converted that to her presenting her bouquet to her grandmother who was thrilled by her only granddaughter doing this for her. i.e. make your own ‘traditions’.

      We have a family tradition in my husband’s family around cakes. Friends are given part of a pattern (a cake size pattern) and make a sheet cake and decorate with the pattern. For example one bride had a sort of early American looking couple holding hands as the design which was then done in chocolate, vanilla and light chocolate frosting. Everyone’s colors were of course slightly different but the design was cohesive — and the cake was charming. Another bride in the family had square cakes, each decorated as a flower. The 9 cakes are then laid out flat on the cake table. So we had people coming in from all over so I ordered 9 cakes in 3 flavors from a bakery that does high end wedding cakes, had them frosted in caramel frosting because that is fairly hard and easy to work with and then 9 people decorated them with places the couple were traveling or had traveled. The groom did a compass rose for the central cake. If you have friends make the cakes it is inexpensive — or if you make your own and have friends decorate and it really was quite charming.

      1. Artemesia*

        PS. The photographer is key. I interviewed several and their samples were awful — like this was their BEST. I told the guy I hired, ‘no one is going to look at most of those line up photos more than once or twice. What we are looking for is half a dozen candid moments of the bride/groom and closest relatives. He did a great job and we have just lovely shots of our daughter and her brother admiring the ring, the groom doing the cancan with his sisters, Dad with daughter before going down the aisle — just what we looked for and when I made the album those were the ones that filled whole double pages.

        Also if you can make or have a close relative who likes to do this, do your album — have the photographer give you the files and do your own. You can get something that perfectly tells your story AND you can add pictures from showers, rehearsal dinner or whatever.

    49. MissCoco*

      Read A Practical Wedding and work through the first couple chapters with your future spouse.
      One thing I’d change: NOT steam my own wedding dress (overall everything was fine, but I did have 2nd degree burns and I am very lucky I was still able to enjoy the day and wasn’t very impacted by them).
      Things I loved: pre-ceremony snacks and drinks with our guests. Was such a fun way to greet people and really took the edge off our nerves and started the party with the casual celebratory vibes we wanted.
      Making sure we had some time all to ourselves right after the ceremony. We had a 45 minute buffer in our timeline and our photographer basically handed us a beer and told us he’d find us in 20 minutes (we were in a park).
      Having someone who wasn’t close to us in charge day-of. We were lucky that my mother had a very close and very type A co-worker who volunteered to be our day-of-coordinator, and it was so amazing to have her to boss people around (including us) and let my husband and I totally turn off and enjoy the day.

    50. ElastiGirl*

      We had special photos taken at the reception with people from different parts of our lives. All my college roommates. People from the church group where we met. Members of our D&D game. Very happy we did that.

    51. BikeWalkBarb*

      This isn’t from my own wedding experience but having just read a question below from someone who’s been told via the wedding invitation to wear only specific colors if they’re coming I’ll just say *don’t do that*. Your friends and loved ones are people, not props in a photo shoot, and people are happiest when they wear things that make them feel like they look good.

      Just had my 17th anniversary with my Sweet Hubs, who isn’t my first husband. We had cupcakes instead of a wedding cake and I loved that. It let us offer three flavors including a vegan gluten-free carrot cake (to die for! so good!) and we put the leftovers in the freezer so for months we could have a bit more cake and toast each other again. If it had been the top of the cake like the old tradition where you’re supposed to cut it a year later I probably would have forgotten it but cupcakes are always a treat.

    52. Shakti*

      I’m torn between saying really invest in a photographer with a real and extensive portfolio and not your soon to be brother-in-law and his girlfriend who “are going to school for it” or picking a maid of honor who you’re actually close to currently and not going with family pressure. Be authentic to yourself and your soon to be spouse!! What I truly love about our wedding was we chose a place we loved and kept it small

    53. Euphony*

      Top tip for handling an interfering family member – give them something to do that you don’t care about. We asked my MIL to make us a ring cushion. I really wasn’t bothered about having one, but it made her feel involved and kept her occupied and out of the stuff we did care more about (such as bridesmaid dresses).
      My other tip – if you are having a first dance, don’t serve food or cut the cake immediately after as everyone will leave the dance floor to get the food.

    54. Here for the Randomness*

      Just think of it as throwing a party and not making it an event. Don’t worry about getting every last detail perfect (eg matching suits, matching dresses, matching flowers, two bands). Embrace that something will go imperfectly. You are just as married at the end.
      Get a venue that is as all inclusive as possible (food, cake, flowers, etc). The more choice, the more stress.
      The only thing I would stress about is to make sure guests are comfortable. Have enough seating, Have food at reasonable time(s). If wedding is before lunch, have lunch. If wedding is after lunch, have dinner.
      While a wedding may be formal, it does not need to be stuffy.

    55. redbecca*

      The first thing I would say is do NOT let the wedding magazines/industry tell you what to do and how much to spend on anything, it’s exhausting and would drive anyone crazy. Do it at your own pace, focus your energy and money on the things that you think will make a huge difference on the day or will matter to you five years later, and don’t get focused on things that you don’t care about. Like, you’re supposed to choose a theme these days? Our theme was ‘everyone can eat and no one cries (unless they’re happy tears)’. You have to choose colors? I asked what flowers would be in season (they’re cheaper in season), picked out a couple that we liked, and bang, those were our colors. Let the most important or easiest decisions limit the scope for the ones you care less about or that have lots of factors. We decided that having really good food from local restaurants we love really mattered to us, so that cut probably 80% of the venues; we didn’t want people to have to hang around for hours with nowhere to go between ceremony and reception, so that meant a place where we could do it all in one, AND doing most of the posed pictures beforehand (which also meant that my hair and makeup were at their best and our outfits were fresh). We spent up on photography but down on flowers (my folks saved every jar for 8 months beforehand plus getting some from their friends, we spent maybe $40 at thrift stores getting a couple of cheap vases in our colors to mix it up, and the florist put a single bud ot maybe two into most of them and that looked big and artsy but was WAY cheaper than renting vases and having proper arrangements), we spent up on having an open bar with champagne that my European husband could accept and down on invitations (I bought inexpensive but decent cardstock, a couple of templates from Etsy, downloaded a new font, and designed and printed them myself: total cost including ink for just over 100 save-the-dates, invitations, AND the thank you cards and an assortment of table labels and signs was about $200 plus stamps and a day of my life). We hate making playlists but cared about the music, and live bands were way out of budget, so we chose a wedding DJ who guided us through what kind of music to choose for what parts of the event and then made that work. Other people would have had a live band and nothing at all to take home, or no booze but lots of flowers, or want a specific venue enough to eat whatever catering they’ve got relationships with.

      Because we were getting married in my hometown but don’t live there, and I love my parents but do not share their taste, we decided to hire a wedding planner: she was absolutely worth it just for the moment when I was almost set on a venue and she said she had never used it but she remembered hearing things, so she called two other planners who each told her they had a problem with rodents pooping on the beams above where the food would go! She was less expensive than I had thought planning would be, she offered different packages for how much you could have her do, and she made it really easy because for the things we didn’t know or care deeply about she could say ‘well, these three florists and these 2 DJs could work with your budget and I have had good experiences, and we’ll taste these two cake places but you’ll probably prefer this one’ which left us with a feeling of security without having to consider too many options.

      The one thing I would change is our photographer. I found a few who were in budget, spent a LONG time going through their websites with a focus on the galleries, met them each for a zoom chat (we got married where I grew up, not where we live), rejected the one who was really hard to have a chat with but kept everyone else even if they didn’t feel like my kind of person per se, and then chose pretty much based on the pictures on the websites. I realised it was going to be an issue when we finally met in person the week before the wedding, and I saw his face when he saw that my hair was blue, and then again when I said ‘my dress isn’t white’: he had never experience any kind of not totally traditional wedding, he thought what we were doing was kind of insane and something we’d be embarrased by in later years, so it felt like he took our brightly colored wedding and gave me pastel pictures back. Also we just didn’t match personalities: we did a shoot before the ceremony for pictures with just us and with the bridal party to cut the length of time guests had to wait before the reception, (which I HIGHLY recommend), but his directions for how to pose and the shots he had in mind made us both feel pretty awkward and resulted in a lot of pictures where neither of us look like ourselves and one or the other of us looks uncomfortable. In hindsight, I didn’t know/understand that there are clear styles in wedding photography: what I wanted was more reportage style, focused on getting lovely pictures of the guests interacting and of the little moments during the day, with a few nice shots of the traditional things, and what I got was a TON of pictures of the ceremony, the speeches, and posed groups, and not that many of the fun parts of the event. We did get a couple of magazine-level posed images, but we got a LOT of pictures that felt like they were of a different event to the one we had, one that was less fun and more formal. We had to throw a second tiny wedding the following year (because my MIL broke her elbow in three places two weeks before our ceremony so they weren’t able to attend), and we spent a lot less on photography for that but chose someone who immediately undestood what we were going for, and we were utterly thrilled with every single image we got back from that (I wish I could travel back in time and fly her out to the first wedding!), so I would say that if pictures are a thing that matter to you, it’s REALLY important that you choose a photographer a) who you would enjoy spending the day with, because you’re going to do that, b) who understands what kind of party you’re trying to throw, and c) who has complete client galleries that they will show you while you’re considering them (any decent photographer can take one or two great shots from a single event that add up and look amazing on a website, it takes a really good one to get tons of them at a single event).

      We also added a videographer at the last minute (because of my MIL’s disaster), and seeing it afterward I wish I had just planned for that from the start, as she was great but it wasn’t quite as good as it could have been, if we’d planned on it from the start we could have worked with her beforehand to tweak the timing and make her more familiar with the plan (and maybe gotten a drone permit and/or done a couple of shots during our photo shoot portion of the day).

      Put someone in charge of checking that your outfit looks how you want before you start to walk down the aisle- I had my veil on but forgot to put the bit over my face, which I had planned to do, and it was only luck that my train unflipped itself.

      Oh- and the one thing I completely forgot was to arrange our own travel! We were never going to rent a limo for a ten minute drive each way many hours apart. I could easily have pre-arranged who was going to take us there and who was going to bring us back because so many people were driving, I just forgot, so we ended up calling people on the way to take pictures to see who was either already dressed or hadn’t started dressing yet to bring us over, and then having to canvas the room at the end of the night for who had space in their car for us! If we hadn’t had a pretty place outside the hotel were we could shoot our first look that would have been even more stressful.

      Things I’m really glad of: we had a lot of people who travelled long distance that we rarely get to see, and we knew that everyone says you hardly get to talk to everyone on the day, so we booked the hotel function room (free because we had block-booked the guests there) and had a pizza party for everyone who was there the night before instead of a formal rehearsal dinner, which both saved money and meant we could spend relaxed time with almost everyone; we also rented a park shelter (for $35) for a picnic at lunchtime the day after, and anyone who was still around was invited to come by and play the lawn games and eat some of the leftover food and cake from the reception, so we felt like we did actually get to have quality time with every guest across the whole time, which I’m really glad we did. During the family/group photo part between the ceremony and reception, we put out deli trays from the posh grocery store and made some outdoor games to play (horseshoes and cornhole), so no one got bored, hungry, or had to search for things to do in a strange town, but it only added about $100 to the cost. Instead of giving people objects as favors, which are surprisingly expensive and almost no one ever uses again, we had a cookie table and invited everyone to eat some AND take some home with them in cute little waxed paper bags.

    56. carcinization*

      Change about my wedding: make sure that the folks who were setting out the plates and napkins knew to put all of them out and not just some of them, so that they didn’t run out halfway through while people were eating, even though we’d purchased plenty of them. Also, I would make sure the photographer took pictures of the flower arrangements. They were just from an (albeit fancy) grocery store, but the photographer was a pro and still only took possibly one picture that kind of showed what the flowers looked like, whereas she took literal dozens of pictures of my cousin’s kids blowing bubbles outside.

      I guess something I’d recommend is having food we actually liked at the wedding? I’m glad we did that.

      By the way, my wedding was 15 years ago, so these aren’t recent nitpicks or anything!

    57. Ricotta*

      I deeply regret not having a pre-planned “SAVE ME!” signal. I spent most of my reception hijacked by elderly relatives talking my ear off about b*llshit from decades ago. As soon as I’d politely extracted myself from one of them, another would glom on to me. By the end of the night, I resented basically all my relatives for robbing me of the chance to enjoy my own wedding.

      Have a hand gesture set up that will cause your maid of honor to swoop in and insist that you are immediately needed elsewhere.

    58. Jackalope*

      One other thing I just remembered: I set a stop time for when I was no longer going to work on details. In my case, I had a regular hobby activity that I did every week the night before we got married so I decided that 30 min before that I was personally done working on wedding details. I’d spent weeks beforehand getting everything to a point where I’d be able to stop then, but it was so helpful to have that moment when I went from working to just enjoying things. That might I didn’t do any more work, and the day of I got myself ready and didn’t do anything else. One of my bridesmaids was the person handling last-minute details throughout the day, a couple of others confiscated my cell phone and talked to anyone who needed help with things like, “I picked up the cake, where do I deliver it now?”, and a couple of others kept anyone from approaching me with detail questions. It meant that I got to actually enjoy the wedding and not feel like I was working the whole day, and was so much more relaxing. There were also one or two possible issues with some of the guests (like a nasty family member’s breakup that had happened just before the wedding), so I had people watching to make sure that if something happened they could take action and get things resolved. Thankfully nothing did and everyone acted like adults, but it put my mind at ease knowing that was something I wouldn’t have to deal with.

    59. BetsCounts*

      do not leave for your honeymoon the day after the wedding. instead of snacking on leftovers from the reception and just enjoying each other’s company we were up super late packing.
      :-(
      Still had a great time, but in retrospect we should have given ourselves a bonus day in town instead of heading to the airport the next morning.

    60. Pretty as a Princess*

      We spent the bulk of our money on the photographer. She was a photojournalist with a fine arts degree. All the candids were B&W and only the posed portraits in color. I would absolutely do it again. There are a lot of people in those photos who are no longer with us, and the B&W candids are absolutely timeless and just capture all the joy.

      Be sure someone saves you a plate or there’s room service available after the reception. We ordered pizza.

      Favorite weddings I’ve been to in years? They were REALLY about the bride and groom:
      – At one, the officiant opened with the bishop’s speech from the Princess Bride, and the recessional was the love theme from that movie.
      – At one, the cake had little plastic dinosaurs at the topper
      – At one, the couple asked close friends to each pick one song they’d like to see in the playlist. Then they just weeded out anything they didn’t like, and that was the playlist.
      – Both of my two recent favorites? Catered by local BBQ joints. (We do not live in an area with its “own” style of BBQ.)

      What I recommend most is if you don’t care about something, then don’t do it. Programs? Table favors? Bridal party dances? If you don’t care about it, don’t think you *have* to do it. All you *have* to do is have someone legally allowed to marry you say some words and you say some words back:)

      I hope you have a wonderful wedding for *you*.

    61. glouby*

      Congratulations! I personally happened to enjoy a small wedding without a bridal party. The simplicity fit my schedule and flavor of introversion. A side effect thật ít allowed people to enjoy the wedding just as guests, but I mention thật very mụch nốt to suggest thật it’s “selfish” to have a bridal party – you do your culture, relationships, and preferences!

    62. Anne Elliot*

      We had a friend officiate, no wedding party, and the vows were short. We went to an arcade after. It was great.

      Things I would not do again: let my parents “help.” They were the only stressful part of the wedding and occasionally made me wish we had eloped and possibly moved out of the country.

    63. Juneybug*

      Hubby and I were guests at an out of country island wedding. We are very close friends with the groom’s family. The couple choose the island since most of groom’s side of the family lived there. The trip was amazing since it was such a beautiful area to travel to, we had so much fun with local families, eat a lot of great food, etc. So basically a great trip, before and after the wedding.
      But, the day of the wedding, as a guest, was horrible. The mother of the bride assumed the groom’s local families would show up the day of the wedding to set up chairs, tables, decorations, etc. For some reason this message did not get out to them and no one from that side showed up to assist in setting up the outdoor pavilion. Later, we heard repeatedly from the local relatives – oh, you should have called. We would have been there to help.
      THE BRIDE’S SIDE OF THE FAMILY DECIDED THEY WERE ON VACATION AND WERE NOT GOING TO RUIN THEIR FUN TIME WITH “WORK”, REGARDLESS THAT THEIR TRIP WAS COMPLETELY PAID FOR BY THE BRIDE’S FATHER.
      So dear hubby and I get a panicked phone call the morning of the wedding (goodbye beach plans) to please help them set up. We spend long hours doing whatever needed to be done. Move furniture in 90’s weather – whatever you want. Rip open tons of packages to find the decorations – of course. Need us to run into town 20 minutes away to get last minute item – we are on it. Get thousands of paper cuts setting up decorations – it’s no trouble. Both hubby and I were sweating profoundly but everything was in place for the wedding ceremony and reception (both were in same location).
      Thank God the wedding ran 30 minutes late so we could quickly go back to our beach cabin (no AC) to shower and get ourselves dressed. We arrived still sweaty, so very tired, and severely dehydrated. We both wanted nothing more to go back to our cabin, take another shower, drink a gallon of water, and nap for hours.
      The bride’s family received hostile side-eyes throughout the ceremony and reception from the groom’s (local) families. After the ceremony, the local families stayed behind and helped out. With their hard-working assistance, we left the place cleaner than we found it. The bride’s family complained how hot it was and went back to their rental house with AC and a pool. And of course they did not assist with tear down/clean up.
      The groom’s (local) families were so grateful and to this day, we have open invite to come visit whenever we want as their guests.
      MORAL OF THE STORY – HIRE HELP. PLEASE DON’T ASSUME FAMILY WILL STEP UP. AND PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF THAT SWEET COOL REFRESHING TASTE OF WATER, DO NOT EXPECT YOUR GUESTS TO ASSIST ON YOUR WEDDING DAY.
      SINCELERY,
      YOUR FUTURE WEDDING GUESTS

    64. Namenlos*

      We went with a less fancy but more practical location. Hotel room prices were so reasonable for wedding guests that most of our out of town guests stayed two nights. We had a lovely evening at the hotel beergarden on the day before the wedding with quite a few of our guests. Much more time to talk than on the actual wedding day.

    65. Meaghan*

      On behalf of the guests…..if it’s going to be hot be sure both the ceremony and reception locations are air conditioned.
      Just came back from my cousins wedding. Really nice, and the reception place had A/C. But it was 30c outside, feeling like 40c outside (86 feeling like 104 f) and the church had no a/c. I’m happy they gave water out beforehand, but I was worrying about some of the elderly guests.

    66. Healthcare Worker*

      At the weddings of both of my children, they and their spouse made sure to take time following the ceremony and before the reception to relax together in a separate space. The caterer had plates available for them so they were sure to get something to eat (too many brides/grooms say they never tasted the food!) and have a drink before they met their family and friends. They have both said that was a very special part of their evening!

    67. Dinoweeds*

      Congrats! One thing I would have changed – make our invitations more clear. It sounds silly but I didn’t see the point in sending out both save the dates and an official invite due to the length of our engagement. I picked out cute postcard style invites from Shutterfly and included RSVP information on the bottom. When we started getting close enough to the date that I was wondering why I hadn’t heard back from people I was sure would come, I found out that they didn’t realize it was an actual invite and didn’t see the RSVP info! They were honestly waiting for a more formal invite in the mail lol.

      You have tons of great advice on here, so I’ll just add that one of my favorite things from the wedding was getting a group photo of everyone invited. I almost didn’t do it because I was already so sick of having photos taken, but it is by far one of the best ones from the day. I used the group photo as part of our thank cards which was a nice little bonus.

      Have fun, make sure to eat, and try and not stress too much!

    68. Lady Knittington*

      As and when it comes to buying the dress, try on *everything*, even the ones you don’t think you’ll like. The right dress is the one which makes you feel like a freaking princess. (Obviously ignore this if you’re not going down the tradition dress route).

      I kept reminding myself that it wasn’t going to be a perfect day. Yes, it sounded negative, but acknowledging that things were going to go wrong got over the stress of perfectionism.

      Lastly, you’re going to get a lot of unsolicited advice. Get practiced at the neutral ‘oh that’s interesting’ face – before going off and doing whatever it is you wanted.

    69. Elora D*

      Over 15 years later, I would have saved myself money, time, and stress by just eloping and using the money we spent on the wedding on the elopement/honeymoon/vacation.
      If you were to ask my husband, however, he’d have requested a bigger, party-like reception with music and dancing instead of the buffet style dinner at my family’s church.
      One (small) thing that I really liked was having a large white photo mat for guest signatures instead of a guest book. We used it to frame our favorite wedding photo.
      So, my wedding advice is, talk to your partner about the things you each REALLY want, and don’t get too caught up on what a wedding is “supposed” to be–because ultimately it is supposed to be a celebration of your commitment to one another.

    70. A Little Bit Alexis*

      Solidarity – also planning a wedding here.

      Two thoughts:
      I was the MOH for my best friend a few years ago. She got very overwhelmed at all the decisions that need to be made, so she deputized me to narrow down options for her. I looked at all the options available and picked the top 3-4 I thought she would like most. She picked venues, bridesmaid dresses, colors, place settings, etc. this way. If you have someone who knows you well and you trust, this might be an easy way to get some decision-making off your plate.

      For my own currently-being-planned wedding: I was planning a traditional wedding (ceremony with reception immediately afterwards, roughly 100 people) for about two weeks. I have never been someone who put much thought into my future wedding or particularly cared, and I was STILL overwhelmed at everything that had to be done and how much money even the minimum “nice” wedding would cost. It was just too much.

      My fiancé and I realized that neither of us cared about or even wanted a traditional wedding. We decided to get married at the same place we got engaged, a beautiful state park about 8 hours away. We’re inviting our immediate families and a few close friends each. The state park doesn’t do any reservations or set-up for weddings, you just show up and get married. We’ll go back to an Airbnb with everyone afterwards and have a casual dinner/party. There’s an infinitely-less amount of decisions to make when you literally can’t set up chairs or speakers for your ceremony. We’re doing a larger reception back home sometime later, but since it’s not a traditional wedding, there’s a lot less pressure on it. We won’t bother with decor, we’ll do something casual and fun for food (taco bar is in the lead right now), and we’ll just create our own playlist instead of hiring a DJ. The focus really is on celebrating and having a good time with our friends/family, and we’ll save a ton of money.

  3. Tradd*

    I was the poster asking last week about owning an EV while renting and not being able to charge at home OR work. Well, I ended up having to get a car this week as mine died. None of the locally available new hybrids were in my budget range. I ended up with a gasoline Subaru Crosstrek I got an awesome deal on. Better mileage than the larger SUV I’d had. The Crosstrek is an awesome little car plus it has AWD, which is better for my cold, snowy climate.

    1. Rain*

      Love Subaru’s! We were a Subaru family until we made the move to EV and they didn’t have any offerings – you made a great choice!

    2. lion*

      How did you find your new car? Did you look on a particular website or go in person? I’m going to need to get a new car soon and always feel so overwhelmed when shopping.

      1. Tradd*

        It helped that I have a lot of friends with Subarus and I got to drive a friend’s Crosstrek about a year ago. Loved it. So I’ve been around them for a number of years. Crosstrek was what fit my budget. I’d bought Ford vehicles for years, but they did away with all non-SUV cars except for the Mustang, plus the smaller SUVs (such as Escape, which I had), to concentrate on EVs. I don’t need an Explorer. Overkill and crappy fuel economy. Once I had narrowed it down to Crosstrek, it was a matter of looking at different trim offerings on Subaru’s website, then I looked at inventory online at local dealership. I did everything online, preapproval for loan, etc. My previous car went died on Wednesday am. Well, I say died, but the transmission issues got much worse and I got to work and then dealership after work. I communicated with dealership via text while at work, and picked it up after work. It was very quick, but I already knew what I wanted.

    3. Generic Name*

      I got a crosstrek as a newly single mom some years ago, and I’m still loving driving it. Enjoy!

    5. The OG Sleepless*

      Great choice! One of my friends has a Crosstrek and I have an Outback. Our individual choices were mostly because my family is very tall and hers is on the short side.

    6. Belle*

      We love Subaru! We had a Forester for more than 10 years and recently traded it in for an Ascent. Never had issues with their cars and minimal maintenance.

      1. Pillow Fort Forever*

        Bought my first Crosstrek in January. I’d wanted an EV or hybrid as well but am so very happy with my final choice. I love everything about it – smoothest ride ever, intuitive screen and controls, AWD, and just a genuine pleasure to drive (and love the quick shut off – had no idea how much time I spent idling). Congrats!!

    7. Damn it, Hardison!*

      Welcome to the Subaru family! I have a Crosstrek picked out as my next car. Just waiting for my 14 year old Outback to need replacing – so, maybe in the next 4-5 years!

    8. Un, Deux, Trois, Cat*

      Congratulations! I’m on my second Crosstrek – bought it a year ago today! And my 5th Subaru overall. You will love it!

  4. goddessoftransitory*

    So, here’s an idea!

    I was talking on another thread about the film Dirty Dancing, and the comedic gem of a performance by Jane Drucker; she plays Baby’s older sister, Lisa. I missed it as a callow teen, but she is a riot and her timing is second to none–in the final scene where everybody’s onstage singing the resort anthem, they all trail off when Johnny come down the aisle, and she just keeps cheerfully singing “join hands and hearts and voices, voices hearts and haaaaaands!” longer than ANYONE and it is perfection.

    What/who are your favorite under appreciated actors/performances?

    1. Anonymous Educator*

      Already under-appreciated movie (Searching) also has an under-appreciated performance by Michelle La as the missing daughter.

      1. Anonymous Educator*

        Also, Nelsan Ellis in Little Boxes, Wesley Snipes in One Night Stand, Sigourney Weaver in Death and the Maiden, Anthony Hopkins in Shadowlands, and Lili Taylor in Dogfight.

      2. NotBatman*

        Searching, IMHO, deserves a Best Picture Oscar and to be required viewing in film school. The companion movie Missing is somehow even better. Excellent storytelling, stunning performances, innovative directing, flawless editing… They’re every bit as creative as Memento, with far better storytelling than Memento. Those are my ultimate example of “why aren’t more people talking about this???????”

    2. CTT*

      Ari Graynor’s “is that a turkey sandwich” monologue in Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist should have made her a star.

    3. Mitchell Hundred*

      Maybe Philip Baker Hall in Secret Honour? You hear a lot about actors carrying a movie, but this one is 100% him (in the role of Richard Nixon) dictating his thoughts into a tape recorder for ninety minutes. It’s really something.

      1. Hanne*

        That animation movie he did with Will Smith, Spies in Disguise, his voice work was so amazing. There’s a scene where his villain character has captured Smith’s spy character and I would so, so, so very much have loved to see that scene played by them in live action and just enjoy every detail of acting. There’s a few minutes of a Behind The Scenes recording of Ben in the voice acting booth doing another scene and it took me several views to figure out that it was actually the same general lines he was improvising on and trying different styles with!
        His mafia boss edition of “I just can’t wait to be king” is also magnificent.

        1. Ms. Murchison*

          But the thread is about under appreciated actors. Jeffrey Combs is well-appreciated by the fans. :) But Todd was more often unrecognizable in the prosthetics.

    6. Ms. Murchison*

      Charlyne Yi. Just so funny in everything I’ve seen them in. I think Lucifer fans were cheated by not getting more Azrael stories (I suspect the Netflix transition and COVID interfered there), but the Azrael & Ella episode is one of my absolute favorites.

    7. I'm here for the cats*

      I get that you are supposed to hate the original Blair Witch Project, the acting of the three leads is still one of the most convincing I’ve ever seen.

      1. Marlo*

        Why are we supposed to hate it? That movie totally freaked me out at the time which to me is a hallmark of a great horror film

    8. Falling Diphthong*

      Currently doing a rewatch of Justified, which I always praise for its character work.

      Brad Henke as Season 2’s Coover Bennett. Coover isn’t very bright, and spends a lot of his time stoned. When he does act, he often has a very bad short-term plan that will be disastrous long-term. And that is hard to play–harder than someone bright and snappy.

    9. Anon for this moment*

      Just watched Mr. and Mrs. Smith for the first time, and I thought Vince Vaughn in the “hero’s bitterly misogynistic best friend” role, nailed it — he was hilarious!

    11. Going Underground*

      My favourite film is ‘While you were Sleeping’ – it’s an early Sandra Bullock film with a great cast but seems to be relatively unknown.

      Glynis Johns, Micole Mercurio, Peter Boyle and Jack Warden were the supporting cast of characters, a family who were very close and loving but also too involved in each others business. The interplay between the four of them I found hilarious and heartwarming in equal measure. It’s a film I turn to if I want to feel like I’m being given a big, warm, hug, I love it!

      1. Forrest Rhodes*

        Me too, Going Underground. It’s one of my favorite movies, and the family scenes are part of what I like best.

  5. Tipping Advice Please*

    I trust you all more than the rest of the internet, so I thought I would ask this here. In a few weeks I’m traveling to Phoenix (better remember to pack my wool socks!). I haven’t traveled since before the pandemic, and I’ve never been great with this stuff, so can you tell me… how much do I tip these people?

    taxi driver
    airport shuttle driver (shuttle itself is included in the cost of the hotel)
    hotel housekeeping staff
    other people I’m supposed to tip but might not realize it

    Thanks in advance!

    1. WellRed*

      I tip 20% for taxis, probably five bucks for shuttle driver, a few dollars per day for the maid service and if you have any help from a bellhop 1 or 2 per bag.

    2. RetiredAcademicLibrarian*

      Can’t help you with the tipping, but why are you traveling to that outpost to Hell? (I kid, I kid, because I grew up there and I’m traveling there this month to visit family and I am no longer adapted to the heat). Planning on 6 AM walks with my sister’s dog and visits to my mom’s pool to get my exercise in and otherwise hanging out in the air conditioning.

    3. Not A Manager*

      Taxi – I tip 25% for a short ride, between 20% and 25% for a long ride

      Shuttle driver – $2 for a short ride where they didn’t help with bags, $5 for a longer ride or if they did help with bags

      Housekeeping – $5 each time they actually come in and clean, n/i just picking up towels and trash

      Other than waitstaff and bartenders, I also tip if I’ve gone on a guided tour (cough Taliesin West cough).

    4. Not your typical admin*

      Just a heads up – I travel frequently and room cleaning seems to have disappeared from hotel service. Even in the hotels that are supposed to clean after x many days, I have yet to have my room cleaned.

        1. NotBatman*

          Yes, skimpflation at work! Most hotels cut their cleaning staff during COVID, and then never hired enough help back on.

          That said, Holiday Inn as a chain seems to be mostly recovered. I ended up leaving $20 for the housekeeper last time I was there because I was so pleasantly surprised to get a good clean of the room every single day.

      2. Ginger Cat Lady*

        My daughter works 55 hour weeks as a hotel housekeeper, so I assure you it still exists. I can also tell you the expectations of what they’re able to do is freaking insane. When she started 5 years ago, they worked in pairs and cleaned 20 suites (bedroom, living area + kitchen) each day. Now she’s expected to do 30 suites a day alone.
        Looking at you, Residence Inns.

    5. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

      Tip the housekeeping staff daily, because it may not be the same person every day. Leave the tip with a note that says something like “for the housekeeper,” so they can be sure the money is for them and you didn’t just happen to drop a $5 bill on the dresser.

      1. Artemesia*

        I try to hand the housekeeper I know did the work the money before I leave rather than leaving it in the room. I had a friend who did hotel maid work and she told me that the supervisor would ‘check the rooms when people moved out and pocket the tips meant for the cleaning staff.’

        1. Bast*

          I’ve honestly never seen the housekeeper in most of the places I have stayed at. They tend to visit during hours when we are already sightseeing and are gone by the time we come back. That is a shame that another employee comes by and steals the tips… even more so that it is the supervisor who likely makes more.

      1. HamlindigoBlue*

        Wool socks are awesome, even in heat. They’re naturally moisture wicking, odor resistant, and merino, in particular, is temperature regulating as it absorbs and releases heat.

        1. HamlindigoBlue*

          LOL! Seriously? I’m sitting here thinking it was serious. Now, I feel silly. I still think merino is fantastic even in heat (I was thinking hiking).

          1. Unkempt Flatware*

            Oh they say it is! But I’d assume a visitor here would melt with wool socks on.

    7. Roland*

      I tip 15 ish percent in taxis and tbh have never tipped a hotel shuttle or housekeeping. I am not saying don’t tip if you want to, I’m sure it will be appreciated. Just that realistically I don’t think a lot of people tip in those specific situations.

      1. Unkempt Flatware*

        You don’t tip your housekeeper?! I think you’re in the minority. Please tip your housekeeper.

        1. Roland*

          I’m not in the minority. 20-30 percent of people tip their hotel housekeeper in the US.

      2. Kay*

        Please start tipping and tipping better! These are the people making your life easier all while getting paid not enough to survive. If you can’t afford to tip I get it, but don’t use their services if you aren’t going to tip appropriately.

        1. Roland*

          Most people don’t tip hotel housekeeping. We interact with many poorly-paid service workers in a given day. I tip where it really is the cultural expectation but don’t feel the need to singlehandedly fix capitalism.

      3. ElastiGirl*

        Please tip your housekeeper!…

        I tip $5/day/bed. 15% for taxis, more if they’re friendly. I don’t tip shuttle drivers (but handle my own luggage). About $1-2 per bag to the bellhop, rounding to the nearest $5. $20 to the doorman (in NYC) when we arrive, a little more when we leave if we’ve gotten special service.

  6. First Time Therapy*

    Hello! After thinking about it for a year and dithering over finding a provider for several months, I found a therapist whose practice came recommended by a friend. The areas she specializes in would be especially helpful to me and I was excited to have my first session. But then she was very late to our consultation call (20+ minutes) and then she has yet to send me the appointment confirmation and onboarding paperwork. Since one of the big issues I want to talk about is often feeling lesser than and forgotten…this is not a great start! I’m tempted to start my search over again, but on the flip side, it took me so long to get to finding her that I know I will put off searching out a new person, and who knows, maybe there was an email error and she did send it. I have an email ready to go to follow up with her on the paperwork, but I’m really debating if I should just move on because this has been a weird start. WWYD?

    1. RagingADHD*

      As an ADHDer, I usually assume the person *thought* they sent something but their brain tricked them, because that happens to me a lot. And I know it isn’t just an ADHD thing, it can happen to anyone sometimes.

      If I think about doing something intently, or remind myself repeatedly to do it, it can backfire by making my brain believe I actually did it in real life. Because why else would I have been thinking about it so much? And once that box is checked, the list item erases itself.

      So I’d just ping her a reminder. This may not wind up being the right therapist for you in the end, but I think it’s too early to tell whether she just happened to have one chaotic day.

    2. Pam Beesly*

      I’d give her another try and if it still doesn’t feel right, look for someone else.

    3. Teapot Translator*

      If the options were give her a chance or get right on finding another therapist, I would say find another one.
      But you know it would take you time to find another one. So, I would give her one chance.

    4. Lizzie (with the deaf cat)*

      You could look at this in many different ways! Was this a preliminary short “do we like the look of each other?” apt or did you talk more in detail about your concerns? Did you still get a full session even though it started late? Did you like the look of her? Did she seem like someone you could talk to openly in due course or did she remind you of someone in your life that you don’t like? Did she interrupt you or was she patient?
      Therapy is very different to say, meeting a new person that you might become friends with. You are not making a new friend, and you won’t be discussing her issues, it’s about her listening to you in a compassionate and interested manner, and guiding you towards insights and strategies that help you with your concerns. – that takes time, but if you disliked her on sight then she’s not the one for you.
      Also, seeing a therapist for the first time is often nerve wracking for people so give yourself some grace! The practice was recommended by a friend, so it’s not a completely unknown practice, which is a plus. She was running late, and may not have sent the paperwork to you yet. There’s lots of ordinary reasons why that might have happened. She may be a very good therapist with an assistant who is away on holidays! Well done on doing the first step. Good luck to you!

    5. Beveled Edge*

      Por que no los dos?
      You could start looking for other options AND still follow up with her. But the second option is really for you — if you often feel forgotten, it’s easy to take behavior like you described personally. You can combat that reflex by making that second check an automatic part of your communication habits. Because you don’t know this person yet; the problems may be due to her own bad habits, or distractions that have nothing to do with you. It’s good to get into the habit of checking in a second time, in case there’s something in the other person’s life that made then drop the ball. And, on the off chance that she is just flakey at the moment, restart your search if you have the bandwidth to do so. (It’s also fine if you need a break from searching, because finding a therapist these days is very difficult. But make sure it’s your choice, not a reaction to her flaking.)

    6. RW*

      I am inclined to ask what the vibe of the call itself was once you got there? Did she make any comment about running late or was it not acknowledged? (I’m a healthcare provider myself and I usually say something like “thank you for waiting” if I’m running >10min late – it’s usually for reasons beyond my control but I don’t want to be inconsiderate of other people’s time either!) There could be good reasons for either of the things you mentioned, but they could also be yellow flags, and whether I would push through is very dependent on how I felt about the conversation itself.
      I’ve always told people it’s ok to shop around when it comes to therapy, but it wasn’t until I saw a few people myself that I really understood how important it is. I’ve seen 4 different providers now – two good, one not for me, and one terrible. I stuck with the one who wasn’t for me for three sessions, and ended up deciding she wasn’t a good fit. I walked out of the first session feeling that, and I don’t regret going to a second session to make sure I wasn’t overreacting, but I don’t think I needed the third. But then the next person I saw I knew from day one was amazing!
      (And one of my friends sees the one who wasn’t for me and loves her – it’s all down to style sometimes!)

    7. Part time lab tech*

      I would give her one more chance, but line up your second choice as well. I have been to two therapists. Both have stuffed up appointment timing.
      The second, I suspect, has ADHD and a problem saying no directly. We had repeated admin problems and in the end he ghosted us. He was useful in session and fit a particular cross cultural demographic but I wouldn’t recommend him as such. (I’d not necessarily recommend against him for short term or minor issues though).
      The first was a recommendation from another health provider and is wonderful, a particularly good fit for me. but pretty good for most people I would think because she is conscientious, intelligent and takes feedback well.
      I expect to be looking a therapist again and ideally want have a short conversation with 3. I have some particular suggestions and I want them to at least explain why they won’t do it, rather than be conflict avoidant and say yes but hope I’ll let it drop.

    8. Ellis Bell*

      How long have you been waiting for the onboarding stuff Vs how long you were led to expect? If she didn’t send it, I would consider raising it before giving up: “I get the impression you’ve been particularly busy, since the onboarding stuff took longer to send out than expected. Do you have time for (regular) sessions/do your sessions ever overrun (whatever your concern is).?” There may be a very temporary cause for it all. It’s also probably much more likely for there to be organisational hitches with adding new people than for prioritising people who are already in the rotation.

    9. NotBatman*

      Not A Therapist, but I am a research psychologist. I’m so sorry, because I know how exhausting it is, but I would start the search over. This person doesn’t have rapport with you, and you don’t have trust in this person. The relationship is probably a non-starter.

      That said, there’s no rule against having two therapists for a little while. So I’d keep your next appointment(s) with this therapist, while also searching for a new person.

      Also, don’t know if this helps, but: it’s not uncommon for a therapist to end up late to an appointment because the previous client had a breakthrough (or a panic attack, or a dissociative episode, or…) and a meeting had to run long to resolve it. If this person is late to your second meeting, drop her. If she’s never late again, then maybe she just needed to devote extra care to the previous client on your first day and can’t tell you that.

    10. Ellen Ripley*

      I actually had a really similar experience!

      I was looking for a specialized provider, the search took awhile, and I had to pay out of pocket. Our phone consultation felt rushed and she cut me off twice during the conversation, not ideal. Then she was supposed to send me paperwork and it didn’t show up, even after I reminded her (especially since organization and time management were some of the things she was supposed to help me with!!).

      So I was seeing some yellow flags and was pretty concerned it wasn’t going to be a good fit. I started looking around for another option, but in the meantime I did the first session with her and I actually liked her approach and her personality.

      It turned out that she typed my email in incorrectly into the patient system which is why I didn’t get an email. She also later spelled my name wrong on a prescription. So she does sometimes make mistakes like that still. But again I like her approach, the strategies we’ve been working on, and she’s a good fit personality wise, so for me the good outweighs the bad.

      So I would say have your first meeting with her and see how it goes! Keep the yellow flags you’ve seen already in mind as you evaluate her as a provider.

  7. Past Lurker*

    Little joys thread!
    Share your little or not-so-little joys if you’d like.
    Mine this week was good advice from kind strangers. And we had rain, so I got to hear frogs for the first time in a while.

    1. Jay*

      The yearly carnival is happening this weekend, just down the road from me. I’m going to see if I can get a little bit of carny time in between thunderstorms!
      At least long enough to get myself a nice fried dough and play a couple of games.

    3. Accidental Itenerate Teacher*

      Very big joy- everyone in my family made it through the hurricane with no injuries and minimal property damage.
      Also, when we went to chop up a large limb that fell in front of my grandathers house one of his neighbors just showed up with a chainsaw to help out.

    4. Tradd*

      New car! Subaru Crosstrek in a lovely shade of blue. Premium trim. Large touch screen, AWD, COLD ac. LOL! Previous car was a base model, cheap SUV I’d gotten 6 years ago, end of model year, color I hated, but it was cheap – $17K. I have Apple CarPlay now and I’m in heaven! I love driving and new car makes it so much better! A friend had me open my door yesterday so she could sniff the new car smell! :)

    5. Elizabeth West*

      I had an appointment two towns over (a shorter distance than it sounds), and I found my way there and back without the GPS and with no trouble. Yay! And I drove past some pretty houses.
      Well, the big rotary was a little scary from the opposite side coming back, but I’m pretty sure I didn’t run a red light, lol. :’D

    6. Shandra*

      Stumbled onto a workaround for getting a screenshot from a video, without the play controls bar in the way.

    8. goddessoftransitory*

      Mine is our coworker who not only cheerfully volunteered to drive me and our piles of stuff to the Goodwill, but to pick us and Peanut cat up tomorrow and take us to the AirBnB we’re staying in while the water damage in our apartment is repaired. He’s made a terrible, stressful time so, so much easier.

          1. ElastiGirl*

            Also jealous because I’ve never seen fireflies. They’re loosely on my bucket list

      2. Dicey Tillerman*

        I saw them last week for the first time in couple of years! I turned off all the lights and just stood next to the window and watched them flicker.

    10. Filosofickle*

      My dad and I had a really nice day trip to wine country for lunch and tasting. Since my Mom passed away we’ve spent a lot of time together, but we’ve struggled to find the energy and timing to do much beyond dinner at home. I hope this marks the beginning of our next phase. And if not, we still had a great day!

    11. Knighthope*

      My dentist had a cancelation, so she was the one who cleaned my teeth today. We had a long and enjoyable conversation about our recent travels. Later I went to a wine tasting not knowing anyone and met a group of four friendly women who made it extra fun!

    12. fallingleavesofnovember*

      After many years, we finally have established raspberry bushes and they are producing like crazy! Every day we go out and can fill new containers! I am enjoying eating lots of berries and we’re freezing a bunch to be able to enjoy in smoothies, crumbles, and with ice cream over the winter.

      We also had a ton of basil and made some awesome pesto pasta for a dinner party tonight.

      1. Peanut Hamper*

        We had a wild field next to one of the houses I grew up in and it was full of raspberry brambles. The taste of fresh, sun-warmed raspberries is amazing! I’m so happy for you. This is a wonderful thing!

      2. Venus*

        Mine are producing like crazy this year too, and I’d probably have enough to freeze but instead I’m stuffing my face full twice a day. They are at their best when warmed by the sun!

    13. PhyllisB*

      I have two: I found the PERFECT dress to wear for a wedding (or other festive occasion.) No, I don’t have any such things on the horizon, but where I live it’s so difficult finding nice special occasion dresses in a plus size that I went ahead and ordered it because it’s a style that won’t look dated in the future. I hope it fits, because it’s a no return. Just hope I don’t suddenly lose 50 pounds!! And we all know the likelihood of THAT!! LOL. I’ll make a separate comment for my other one.

      1. PhyllisB*

        I made my first attempt at homemade fried apple pies, and they turned out AMAZING!! I realize people not from the South won’t appreciate this, but all you Southern folks on here know what a big deal this is.

        1. Peanut Hamper*

          I grew up in Tampa (so, Southern-adjacent) and would love to hear more about those pies! Recipe?

          1. PhyllisB*

            I’ll have let you know where to find the printed recipe in a bit. There’s a lot of recipes out there but I will tell you how I did them. First of all use DRIED APPLES!! Fresh are great for a regular apple pie but for these, cooked down dried apples is the way to go.
            The hardest part for me was finding the dang apples. You would think in this area they would be easy to find, but I finally went online and ordered some from The Apple Barn in Pigeon Forge,TN. Cost me a fortune but so so worth it. I bought a five pound bag so should be good for a while. (They’re also great for apple cakes and such.)
            There’s some debate on whether to use a biscuit dough or a pie crust dough. I decided a pie crust dough would work better. If you decide to use biscuit dough DO NOT use canned biscuits!! It’s just not the same. You can use a bought pie crust if you wish. You can buy the rolled pie crusts in a box, all you have to do is roll it out on a cutting board or pastry cloth. (Let come to room temperature before rolling out.) Pillsbury makes a good one but any brand would probably work. I decided to make a crust from scratch. It’s not that hard. I hadn’t made one in 30 years so was a bit uneasy. There are a ton of ways to make a pie crust, but I will tell you making one with shortening is a lot better than butter (at least for this use.) One thing I did I never had before: I read somewhere that chilling the dough for 30 minutes to an hour makes it work better, and it does!! If you have a food processor you can mix it up in there, if not, you don’t have to use forks or a pastry blender, just use your fingers to mash the flour and shortening together. I used a recipe for a two crust pie. While it was chilling I started on my apples.
            First hint, use a LARGE pot!! My recipe said a medium pot and they boiled over and I had to pour into a large pot to finish. If you have a pasta pot this is good. Washing sticky apple juice out of burners is not fun. I used 4 cups of dried apples, 1 cup of sugar and enough water to cover. I also added a good shake of cinnamon. If you like nutmeg you can add that, but we don’t like it in apples. Cover and cook on medium to low heat for 30 minutes. stirring every few minutes.
            Take pot off the burner and mash up apples with a potato masher. You can use a hand mixer or immersion blender if you prefer,or if you don’t have those, a good old fashioned fork will work. Just take longer. You will have to stir, mash, stir mash for a few minutes. You don’t want them smooth, but no huge chunks, either. Put back on low heat and heat for another 10 minutes or so to absorb all the liquid. Some recipes tell you to cook then drain but I don’t want to lose any of that wonderful apple flavor. Let cool until room temperature. Maybe 30 minutes. Take dough out of fridge and divide in half. Put other half back to stay cold. Roll out on cutting board or pastry sheet (I have a plastic one and it’s so much easier than using a cutting board!!) Flour the board or cloth before putting pastry down and sprinkle a bit of flour on top of the dough. Roll pastry out as thin as possible. This will entail rolling up and down, sideways, and flipping it over and doing the same thing to the other side. If you don’t have a rolling pin, a bottle does just as well. Preferably glass like a wine bottle because a plastic drink bottle isn’t heavy enough. If that’s all you have filled it with water to add weight. After pastry is rolled out use something to cut circles. I’ve seen suggestions to use a six inch saucer for this if you don’t have a large cookie cutter. I wanted to make smaller ones so I took my 8 ounce metal Aladdin cup that I take coffee in and used that. Worked perfectly. Cut out circles and gather up dough scraps to reroll. Of course bring out the rest of dough and roll it out. After you cut and form your pastries ball the scraps together and reroll. I ended up with 18 small pastries. I am assuming it would make eight or nine larger ones. If you want a bigger batch you can make a larger recipe of dough. If you have dough left over you can put in fridge for later use if you like. Or bag it up to freeze. (If you have just scraps left twist them up, put on a baking sheet and sprinkle with sugar and cinnamon and bake.) I didn’t have any left when I was done.
            Put apple filling down the middle, fold over and press edges with the tine of a fork. For this size I used a little less than a teaspoon of filling. If you overfill them the filling will ooze out. If you decide to make the larger size about a tablespoon of filling.
            If you have a cast iron skillet this is the time to bring it out. If you don’t have a cast iron skillet use the largest heaviest one you own. Heat oil in skillet on medium heat until a drop of water sizzles. The recipe I found said to use butter. I wouldn’t do that because even though it would give a good flavor, it burns too easy. I used canola oil, my relatives used either peanut oil, shortening, or lard. Don’t use olive oil. Add pies but don’t crowd them. It doesn’t take long for them to cook. Depending on how big you make them, one and a half to three minutes per side. Once they’re brown they’re ready to turn. Drain on a wire rack. Try to restraint yourself long enough for them to cool a bit. Sit back and watch the stampede. (Grabbing a couple for yourself first, of course.)
            All this sounds way more complicated than it really is. Just remember not to get in a hurry and don’t turn your heat up too much or they’ll burn.

          1. Girasol*

            A Girl Scout showed me this over a campfire years ago. Melt butter in a skillet. Saute apple slices until they show a hint of brown. Sprinkle on a little cinnamon and brown sugar and stir another minute until it starts to caramelize. Good on pancakes, over cottage cheese, as a shortcake, next to a breakfast muffin…

            1. PhyllisB*

              Yes, I’ve done this (not over a campfire) a bunch of times. We also like them as a side dish with pork.
              In fact, one of our favorite quick meals is ham steaks, fried apples, coleslaw, cheese grits and biscuits. For non-southerners, rice is a good accompaniment instead of grits.

              1. carcinization*

                Wow, I am impressed that that counts as a “quick meal” for you! 5 components and the ham steaks are the only thing that takes little prep work! That would be a feast for me! I guess the one-pot lemon garlic shrimp I’m making for dinner tonight is a millisecond-meal or something!

    14. Rara Avis*

      Dinner with my sister-in-law and nephew, who are in town for him to take the ACT tomorrow morning. (However, trying to find a seat for my own kid to take the SAT next year — not a joy at all!)

    15. WoodswomanWrites*

      Between my own travel and my neighbor’s travel, I’ve had two full weeks of quiet instead of having to listen to my neighbor’s long-suffering unsocialized dog howling when he’s alone.

    16. BellaStella*

      Listening to and watching my cat chatter in an ekekkekek way while she watches birds from the balcony. Getting a haircut. Walking in the woods. Seeing a deer!

    17. Andromeda*

      The Depression has been setting in lately, but I am finally starting to really internalise that that is what’s going on with me and that I’m not lazy or defective. We’ll see how long that lasts but I’m hopeful. AND I am cleaning my room today! The floor is nearly clear for the first time in a while.

      1. Veronica*

        I hope this bout is short lived and mild. Also, good for you for cleaning! A clean space is so helpful for feeling better, or at least not feeling more dragged down

        1. Andromeda*

          I just ordered carpet cleaner powder and am going to give my desk a good clean and tidy later this evening. I’ll often “snap out” of a few weeks of letting the mess pile up and do a good clean and feel better after.

      2. Agnes Grey*

        Good for you! It is not easy. You may already know it but there’s a book called How to Keep House While Drowning that has been so helpful to me.

    18. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      The popcorn bucket I brought home from Disney is perfect for holding yarn and spinning fiber while I work, so now every time I sit down to craft, I giggle about the fact that I am crafting out of a beat-up stormtrooper helmet.

      2. Hotdog not dog*

        Oh, I like that better than mine! My “yarn bowl” is an empty clorox wipes container. (the ginormous ones from Costco)

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          There are picture links in moderation :D I have a big collapsible bowl that has lived by my chair in the living room for quite a while, but I didn’t take it with me on vacation so when I was looking around my hotel room for a substitute, the helmet caught my eye :)

    20. Hotdog not dog*

      College aged kid started a new job yesterday, and came home very excited about it. Among other benefits, he gets free and heavily discounted food for meal breaks. Also the pay is above minimum wage, he likes his new manager and coworkers so far, and since it’s a popular convenience store chain, he will be able to transfer to the store near his school if he wants to keep working there in the fall.

    21. Voluptuousfire*

      I called a local radio station to try to win tickets to see a band that I wanted to see few years but the timing never worked out. I ended up putting the tickets!

      My youngest aunt is 80 next weekend and I found the really nice fleece jacket I wanted to get her last year but couldn’t find. She lives in a nursing home and it’s always chilly in there, so even though she’s a July baby, this would be perfect for her.

      1. PhyllisB*

        At first I thought you about say you were taking your aunt to the concert!! One year my two youngest kids got me tickets for The Beach Boys. No one else in the family wanted to go, so my oldest granddaughter (14 at the time) took pity on me and offered to go with me. We had a wonderful time!! She said old folks’ music wasn’t so bad after all. Thank you I think?

    22. allathian*

      Went to see Bruce Springsteen live yesterday. Great show, and they performed for 3 hours! Not bad for a band whose remaining original members are all in their 70s.

      It was the first rock gig for our son, and he seemed to like it, too. We listen to a lot of 70s, 80s and 90s rock in the car, so he knew most of the songs.

      A little adjacent joy is that while I sweated like a pig (yay for perimenopause) I managed about 6 hours without needing to pee!

    23. Pippa K*

      A doe has decided to raise her twin fawns on our property, and they’re curious little fellows who like to come up to the house and see what’s going on – and then startle at something or nothing and dash madly away. It’s very cute. We also have kestrels raising chicks, and bunnies, chipmunks, hummingbirds, an owl…it’s been a Disney movie at our place this summer.

    24. the cat's ass*

      My kid submitted her Giant Project and it looks like it’s going to get approved!

      I had a great week at the place we don’t mention on weekends (which isn’t always the case)!

      My nervous wreck of a kitty is finally chilling out with his new meds and becoming calmer and more affectionate!

    25. Llama face!*

      Two sweet things:
      I rescued a few small violet plants from a neighbourhood lot where the house was torn down and they are now living in a pot in my backyard and blooming profusely.

      The little boy I babysit, who just turned 2 this year, is a big fan of Thomas the Train books and the other day he “read” me an entire book (aka quoted the whole thing from memory). He is still working on his pronunciation so imagine this happening in the most adorable high-pitched lisp.

      1. Llama face!*

        To clarify: By violets I mean the ones nicknamed Johnny-Jump-Ups that look like miniature pansies, not African Violets.

    26. Clisby*

      My little bog babies are still thriving. The venus flytrap is looking good, and the pitcher plant is GROWING. This was my first try at growing carnivorous plants, and so far, so good. I’ve only needed to water them once; regular SC summer rain is taking care of the rest.

    27. Anon for this moment*

      There is a huge puddle in the parking lot near my work, and a bunch of sparrows were going to town drinking and bathing in it. It was fun to watch them.

    28. Retired Vulcan Raises 1 Grey Eyebrow*

      A serendipitous little joy:
      I went to the hairdresser to have my hair tinted dark blue, not realising that even with very light grey hair it would still need a bleach phase. My bleached hair was a white blond which we all (other customers, hairdresser & I) agreed looked so awesome against my brown skin that I decided to skip the blue and have more fun as a blond.
      It took me until 68 to realise that an ultrashort white-blond pixie is absolutely me :)

    29. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I adopted a dog! I grew up with dogs but hadn’t had one of my own since college.

      I’d love advice from anyone who knows wheaten terriers because this boy is not the spaniels of my childhood!

      2. Retired Vulcan Raises 1 Grey Eyebrow*

        Adding my squeals :) You’ll love each other.
        We mostly had big dogs, but what I gathered about friends’ terriers is: they have boundless energy, like to chase smaller animals – including cats! – are not usually the most obedient of dogs and they bark a lot.
        iirc wheatens are very affectionate.

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          he is a lovey indeed –and unfortunately the rest seems very spot on so far too. much training is in my future!

    30. Bibliovore*

      costco had three of my favorite things-
      Amy breakfast sausages
      Amy teriaki meatballs
      bibigo chicken dumplings.

      I have been trying to get more protein in my diet even though I still am not cooking.
      Airfryer and microwave are it except for jammy eggs.

    31. Lemon Chiffon*

      When I went to pick my baby up from daycare on Friday, he grinned and reached for me with both hands as soon as he saw me. I have been riding that high for 2 days.

    32. carcinization*

      Things are a freaking mess right now but I am indeed thankful that I was able to drive an unfamiliar car without mishaps when I had to (taking care of an ill relative for a few days and needed to use their vehicle to pick up groceries and such)… I’m not the most confident/versatile driver so this wasn’t a given.

  8. Mitchell Hundred*

    A prompt I saw on social media: if someone were making a trap to catch you specifically, what would they use as bait?

    For me it’d be a four-volume set of Dorothy Richardson’s Pilgrimage books. I learned about the series a couple of years ago and am perpetually frustrated that they’re not in print anymore (you can get individual volumes, but the version I want is all thirteen volumes compacted into four books).

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      The way I heard it was “what would someone put in a summoning circle to catch you” :) my summoning circle contains a Coke Zero, some really nice yarn (or spinning fiber), and a good soft brownie.

    4. Jay*

      Well, I’m a fat man a couple of months into a really serious diet that is actually going very well.
      So, basically, absolutely every single food that got me into this mess in the first place.
      But especially really, really good, really really greasy, pepperoni pizza. With double extra cheese.
      And homemade Grapenut ice cream for desert.
      All washed down with REAL SODA NOT THIS “ZERO” CRAP OR THE NO CALORIE ICED TEA THAT TASTES LIKE ACID AND NOTHING.
      Sorry about that.
      Got carried away for a bit.
      I’ll just chant my mantra until I get control of myself….
      “I love celery and hummus”
      “I love celery and hummus”
      “I love celery and hummus”
      “I love celery and hummus”

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        This is an awesome post that also cracked me up. Congrats on your progress.

        1. Jay*

          Thanks!
          Quick update, though.
          Turns out I’m out of hummus so now it’s celery and tahini :(

      2. Peanut Hamper*

        I love good hummus (especially if it has cumin in it; I’ll eat that on slices of English cucumbers until the cows come home to roost), but good lord, I miss the days when Pizza Hut had REALLY GOOD GREASY PEPPERONI pizza.

        I’m glad your diet is going well for you! I hope you update us when you meet your goals.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Aldi has a really good dill pickle hummus that is dynamite on pretzels.

          1. Peanut Hamper*

            I’m going there on Monday. I’ll look for this! Thank you. (Also, they have that pack of fancy crackers that I need to get if they have them this time. I’ll try it on those, as well.)

      2. Mitchell Hundred*

        Lotta people in this thread outing themselves as being like that one guy with the country accent.

    6. Falling Diphthong*

      Nerd sniping!

      A well-done display of books. (Could be on a topic I like (quilting) or one that intrigues (cephalopods).)

    8. Elizabeth West*

      LINDOR truffles.
      By the way, right next to the library on Boylston Street there’s a Lindt store with a giant display of assorted truffles so you can create your own mix. I love this town. <3

    10. goddessoftransitory*

      An animal that appears to need help. Doesn’t matter if it’s a polar bear or a chinchilla, I shall rush to scoop it into my arms.

      Other than that pretty much any pastry that isn’t some weird concoction where the chef decided to fill it with anchovy paste or something.

    11. Peanut Hamper*

      Cozy bookstores. Tacos. Really good breadsticks.

      The scent of lilacs (or really good apples).

      Anything with moving water. Fountains, streams, lawn sprinklers.

      A real-life version of Vincent Van Gogh’s Starry Night (when I was a teenager, I once dreamed that I was sleeping in the back yard, which I often did, and the stars were so close that I could stand up, reach out, and touch them—I keep trying to get back to that dream).

      One more afternoon with any good friend who is no longer with us.

      Another rectangular piece of that pizza the high school lunchroom used to serve us in high school.

      The chance to step into any dream I’ve had in the past and see it through until the very end. (Why was that train just stopped in the middle of a wheat field? Why was that cargo car’s door wide open? Why did I climb up inside?)

      Knees that don’t hurt. Feet that don’t hurt.

      Mosquito repellent that actual repels mosquitoes.

      A day at the beach without bringing home four metric tons of sand.

      The laughter of small children.

      The smell of basil.

      Sleep that actually results in rest.

      Lemon meringue pie.

      1. Sitting Pretty*

        I just want you to know that I came back here on Sunday night just to read your comment again, Peanut Hamper. It’s poetry and makes me so happy to imagine all the delicious things that call to you.

    12. PhyllisB*

      Probably any stack of good books. A few years ago I would have said a good Chardonnay or Proscecco, (sp?) but I don’t drink anymore, so books for sure.

    13. RMNPgirl*

      Really any animal that seemed to need help of some kind, but especially baby animals. Really specifically kittens, of any kind of cat species.

    14. BellaStella*

      To get me into the circle it would be any animal needing help like others have said. Scents like jasmine, gardenia, white ginger, black acacia, citrus tree flowers. Anything with Bon Jovi (books, music, vids, band themselves). Cool plants, flowers or fungus.

    15. Mornington Crescent*

      Just put someone in their shouting “we’ve found proof of an alien Dyson sphere around a distant star!” and I’d fall into the trap so fast to come and see for myself.

    19. Llellayena*

      Good sewing machines on sale for under $20. It worked and now my old credit card is canceled and I have a new one…

    20. Hotdog not dog*

      Any of the following could easily draw me in: Fluffy animals who want to be petted (any species), dark chocolate, any book I haven’t read yet, or yarn.

    21. Scholarly Publisher*

      A comfy chair with a footrest, a stack of my favorite books, and some mindless knitting.

    23. Anon for this moment*

      A stack of my favorite Nero Wolfe novels, a great armchair with an attractive reading light next to it near a window on a rainy day, and good chocolates (red Lindt Lindor chocolates are some of my favorites too–good idea, Elizabeth West). I’d love a bowl of M+Ms containing only the colors for which I am not allergic to the dye too!

        1. Chocolate Teapot*

          I was in my local Lindt shop last week and I got a red Lindor with my shopping. I have also signed up for the loyalty programme, so I get monthly discounts and free birthday chocolate.

    25. Ricotta*

      Pastries homemade by an elderly Sicilian woman

      Birman kittens

      An authentic 70s plush bean bag chair

    27. ELF Cage*

      These are great!
      Mine would be a slightly dusty vintage or thrift store with all the things I collect at low prices. I wouldn’t even pause to think it must be a trap.

    28. RedinSC*

      Oh, probably something like a capybara cafe with pastries and capybaras and frou frou cocktails.

      I’d walk in there in a heart beat

    29. UsuallyALurker*

      Assuming we’re going lighthearted here, filming photos/videos of a certain TV show proving that my favorite pairing gets back together.

    32. Lemon Chiffon*

      Fresh oranges or strawberries, lemon fizzy water, or earl grey tea. A lemon cookie. A skein of yarn that looks really soft.

    33. Wandering Hobbit*

      Some native woodland with a waterfall ( my dad has started to refer to waterfalls as my-name-traps as I always have to go look at them and take a photo)

      Either that or a comfy chair with a soft blanket, a copy of the lord of the rings and some good dark chocolate

    34. Pizza Rat*

      An e-reader with all the books I want to read, ingredients for an Americano (Campari, sweet vermouth, soda, orange slice, lemon peel), a comfy chair, and a bunny rabbit.

  9. Nicki Name*

    Have you ever used public transit? If so, how old were you when you learned how to use it?

    I was taught how buses worked somewhere in the single digits, and was able to take them by myself from 11 onward. I’m Gen X and grew up in an area with good bus service, so it was a time and place when it was completely normal for kids that age to go places by themselves or in groups on the bus, especially during summer.

    1. HannahS*

      Millenial. I used buses starting very young, because I lived in a large city and was looked after by a nanny who couldn’t drive. I started using buses alone when I started high school. By then, we lived in a sprawled suburban-to-rural area with poor transit service, and at the time few options to bike or walk safely. As an example, it took 9 minutes to drive to my high school, but it took me an hour by bus. Anyone who could drive, drove.

    2. illuminate*

      I’m an older Gen Z and knew theoretically how to use public transit pretty young, but didn’t use it with regularity until A) they built a lightrail extension close to where I lived and B) I started working a job away from home. I was nineteen or so.

    3. RagingADHD*

      Yes, I used it regularly when I lived in a city that had it, but I didn’t move there until my mid 20’s.

      My hometown and the other places I have lived have extremely limited service that only works if you are going somewhere that’s literally on a route, because they aren’t walkable *at all.*

      Like, my nearest bus stop now is on the side of a divided highway three miles away from my house, at the bottom of a mountain with a road that has no shoulder, much less a sidewalk.

      I wish I was exaggerating.

      1. RussianInTexas*

        I believe you. My nearest bus stop is over a mile away, it’s a park and ride, and you must ride to it, there is no way to get there safely otherwise. The standard transit situation in a big city in Texas

    4. Teapot Translator*

      I’m apparently a Xennial? I started taking the bus with a friend (not alone) before high school. And then the bus and subway alone sometime in my teens. I lived in the suburbs real close to a big city and learned to drive much later.

    5. RetiredAcademicLibrarian*

      I’m a tail end Boomer and I never used public transportation growing up as the service in the city I grew up in sucked. I was in my 30s when I first rode a bus after I moved to a college town with good public transportation. My mom was even older as her small town didn’t have buses and she didn’t ride a bus until she was visiting me in said college town.

    6. Charlotte Lucas*

      GenX. Rode the bus and El with my grandma since before I can remember. Took the train into the city from the suburbs starting about age 13.

    7. Elizabeth West*

      Older Gen X who grew up in a teeny farm town. My first experience with it was my inaugural trip to London to visit my auntie when I graduated high school. I’d ridden a bus, but never a train or a subway. My late ex-uncle took me to Brighton on the train, and of course I rode the Tube. That was also how I learned to read a subway map — when my college choir went to DC, we wanted to go somewhere on the Metro and I was the only one who could read the map. Everyone was very impressed, lol. It’s a good skill since most subway maps are very similar.

      I love trains but never got to ride them unless I went to the UK, and those trips were few and far between. The last time, I deliberately went on the Jubilee line from Canary Wharf at rush hour just to see if I could do it, because I wanted to move to London. I decided it was tolerable. Funny how it seemed to be a rehearsal for moving here and riding the T — Boston reminds me a lot of London, and it wasn’t on my radar at all.

      Best train experience so far: Caledonian Sleeper from Euston Station to Inverness, Scotland, and back. I always wanted to sleep on a train and see Loch Ness. Killed two bucket list items on one trip! :D

      1. The OG Sleepless*

        My first experience with public transit was also London, in college. I grew up in a small town. I’ve been a big supporter of increasing public transit in my city because of it, but mine is the minority opinion.

      2. Jellybeans*

        Next time you come to London make sure you ride your namesake – the Elizabeth Line! I live directly on top of an Elizabeth Line station and it’s an absolute engineering marvel.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          I totally will, as it’s my Tube line! :D
          Everyone named Elizabeth should get a free ride, lol.

    8. goddessoftransitory*

      Always, I don’t drive. I live in a big city with pretty good public transport–I found it amusing when I met my sister for a quick visit a couple of years ago and she reacted to the link trains and busses like they were velociraptors we were expected to capture and tame to ride around on.

    9. Unkempt Flatware*

      Millennial. Grew up in a rural area. The only bus I rode was the school bus. I went to Europe when I was 24 and that was the first time navigating transit. Now I work in public transit in the US.

    10. Raisins in Potato Salad Walking to the Moon*

      Also Gen X, grew up in semi-rural area. Like a few others here, did not ride a public (i.e. not school) bus or train until I studied abroad in France, age 20. Rode trains everywhere to visit other studying-abroad friends in Europe; rode buses and trains when I did a year of Masters research in East Asia.

      Upon return from EA, got married and moved to NYC, commuted via MetroNorth to Grand Central every day. THAT was FUN. I’m not being sarcastic; I effing loved that commute. Took buses and trains all over the city. Moved to Chicagoland, commuted again every day via Metra, which, for me, again, was FUN. Changed jobs, still in Chicagoland, but commuting via CTA train. Ugh. CTA buses? Fine, no problem, take them all over thc city. CTA trains? Can eat a dick.

    11. fallingleavesofnovember*

      Millennial, grew up in a medium-sized city with buses but (then) no subway/train system. My family didn’t have a car for the first ~5 years of my life and my Dad never got his license, so we took the bus a lot throughout my childhood. I started taking the bus on my own in high school, maybe even a bit earlier to meet friends.

    12. talos*

      Older gen Z, I took light rail a couple of times in college, but didn’t ever take a bus until my parents and I were in a ski town and downtown parking was $30/hour (yes, really) but the bus was free.

      I was like 23. I had to teach my parents (who had not used transit since the 80s) how to take a bus while figuring it out myself.

    13. ThatGirl*

      Elder Millenial, and while my family would take the train into Philly when I was a kid, I mostly grew up in Indiana, so I didn’t have much public transit around. I learned to use the MTA when I lived in Manhattan in college.

    14. Alex*

      I use it all the time where I live now, but I did not grow up in a place where there was any at all that I could take directly from my house.

      I guess I was in the single digits when I took a commuter train into the city (we had to drive to the train station though since we lived about 3o minutes away). We did that probably a handful of times in my childhood.

      The first time I went anywhere by myself on transit I was in high school. This also was a train.

      When I moved to a big city for college I learned how to take public transit. I still live in a big city and take it every week.

      I’d say I see kids around age 11 taking the bus or train by themselves, especially for short trips within my own neighborhood (bus service only). It’s very normal for middle schoolers to take the public bus to school.

    15. RMNPgirl*

      Older millennial. I grew up in a town that didn’t have good public transit. The first time I learned how to use it on my own was when I was 16 and doing a summer program for high schoolers in Paris France. That was the first time I learned how to use a subway system. I then went to college near a city with a good subway so got comfortable with those. To this day, I’m not that comfortable figuring out buses but subway/light rail I’m good with.

    16. Radar’s Glasses*

      Boomer. Grew up in SF Bay Area where everyone walked or took public transit as most families only had one car (and dad had dibs). Cities had student discount cards. After I married we moved to suburbs with practically NO easy access to public transit. I had to drive to the train station to catch commuter train back into the city for work.
      I was delighted to re-discover joys of public transit when I visited Sydney AU. For example, to get to the University of Sydney NSW, one could take the tram, the bus, Uber, or the train, and transfer from one mode to the other. (I miss those days of easy commute.)

    17. Rara Avis*

      Also GenX. My hometown had zero public transit. In college I had adventures in Boston trying to go the right direction on the T. (If you don’t know where you are and where you’re going, inbound and outbound are basically useless.) I had to go into NYC for a visa, and my dad, who grew up right outside the city, navigated the subway with an ease that impressed me, especially since he was then more than 20 years away from living in the area. I really learned how to use it in a college semester in Rome. Rode a commuter train for a few years as an adult, but when the last 2 miles turned into the last 5 miles, and I acquired a kid and all the accompanying paraphernalia (plus the need to get to two different places), it became too unwieldy.

    18. Free Meerkats*

      Boomer here.
      I didn’t use public transit until I was an adult in the Navy and didn’t have wheels of my own at ‘A’ School. I grew up in rural South Dakota and transit there was a ride with someone, your feet, or the horse. We moved to Phoenix in my early teens and transit there wasn’t very good.

    19. AGD*

      Gen Y. Grew up in a place that had buses and a small number of trains. Family members ensured that I had experienced both of these things during my childhood, though they were sort of treated as a novelty. I had tricky medical issues meaning that I didn’t learn how to drive until I was in my mid twenties, so I often took the bus around as a teenager and studied the route maps to see where else I could go. Learning all this made subway/light rail systems in larger cities very easy in comparison. I caught the travel bug somewhere in there and started doing a fair bit of budget solo adventuring. Before I turned 21, I’d navigated subway/light rail systems in 8-10 cities across five countries and had a lot of fun exploring that way!

    20. I'm here for the cats*

      Around 11 post immigration. Before that, there were no need for transits really, everything we needed was walking distance.

    21. BellaStella*

      Where I live now I do lots of buses and trains. Kids as young as 7 ish also do, alone and with friends, from and to school. Am GenX American who did not do much public transit until moving to Seattle in the 90s. I lived two years in Wales too and tried buses a lot but most often walked. Public transport in most of Europe is good or ok. Cheapest train I found was in Serbia and Italy has decent trains but challenges with timing. Also every time (5) I have done a train in Brussels it was very late.

    22. RW*

      Younger millenial here. My mum doesn’t drive, so we took public transport everywhere as kids. The first time I really remember taking it alone was at age 13 when I went to high school (generally the school bus, but also started going to town independently probably in that range), but I can’t remember ever not knowing how they worked.

    23. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      I don’t remember ever not being broadly aware of how to use transit (at least the idea that buses run on fixed routes at specific times and where to catch one that would go downtown from my house). My dad biked to work in summer and took the bus in winter, so it was just one of those things that adults did regularly and sometimes I did if an adult decided that’s what we were doing today. I know that the local bus service visited the school I went to k-2 (so sometime between 5 and 8 years old) at and we all got to practice riding the city bus as a school activity as well, so I think it was pretty normal for little kids to be at least vaguely aware of the bus system.

      In 4th and 5th grade (so 9 years old and up), we took a lot of our field trips by riding regular bus routes as a class, but the teacher would manage the fares and routing for the whole class so you didn’t have to be independently responsible enough to keep track of your transfer and know when to get off the bus.

      Partway through middle school I transferred schools to a magnet program in a different part of town, so starting at 13 I had to ride a bus downtown by myself and transfer to another bus to get to school. Since students from that school came from all over the school district, most of us took city buses to and from school and we’d ride buses all over town to get wherever we wanted to go after school. (This was before teenagers had cell phones, so we knew how to use paper transit maps and some of us also had the big book with all the bus routes in it as well as the brochures for the lines we took regularly.) By the end of high school, I could confidently get home from pretty much any place on the bus system even if I’d never been there before by a process of aiming toward downtown to the best of my ability.

      In my 20s and 30s I expanded this to other cities, which was much easier before they all expected you to have their stupid fare cards. I miss how easy it was to take Amtrak to some other city and then grab local transit around 2010 or so. By that point, Google maps was pretty good at surfacing the assorted local bus system names and routes so I could plan trips before I left, and I could still easily pay fares at time of use in cash on every system when I got there without having to research anything about fancy prepaid cards and how to acquire the right one without living there. (I noticed sometime in my teens as a result of some family trips that airports were optimized for car rentals and didn’t always have great transit connections, but train and bus stations were optimized for taking transit after you arrived and didn’t always have good car rental options. This has held up fairly well as a generalization, although more airports have decent transit connections now. Also, hotel shuttles almost never go to or from train stations but often go to airports.)

    24. Irish Teacher.*

      I use public transport on a near daily basis during the school year.

      I don’t think I ever exactly learnt to use it. The local rail station was practically our playground when we were little. My dad used to bring us up to play on the mail carts and stuff and one of the dining car attendants would give us biscuits when the train stopped in our station. And I was travelling by train…probably from the time I was a couple of months old.

      I live in a town so no real local services, so I didn’t travel by myself until I was 17 and going to college, as there was no such thing as getting a train or bus to town or school as they were within walking distance.

      I’m end of Gen X.

    25. allathian*

      Gen X, possibly young boomer in the US, I’m in Finland and here only the decade 1945-1954 counts as the Boomer generation, which here is the last to be typically born into larger families. Obviously many women of their parents’ generation never married and/or had any children, but if a woman had one child, she probably had at least two more. Only children like my dad were the exception, but his mom was 32, which bythe standards of the time was ancient for a first pregnancy. My mom was the oldest of 9 surviving siblings, one brother died a few days after he was born. Families in the late 50s were typically much smaller.

      I started riding the business alone when I was 10. I was 13 when I started planning routes when I wanted to visit my friends after school. But I’m in Finland and my culture values early independence for kids. It’s not uncommon to see kids as young as 7 riding on public transit without their parents, that’s the age when kids need their own ticket. Younger kids travel for free, but they require an adult to ride with them. But it’s one reason why almost all kids get their first phone in first grade.

    26. londonedit*

      I’m an ancient millennial who grew up in a rural part of England. Not really any accessible public transport where I grew up. But we did occasionally get the train for a day out, and my parents had friends in London who we’d visit and we’d go on the bus and tube when we went to stay with them.

      As a teenager we used to get the train to one of the bigger cities about an hour away, and then I moved to London for uni and have been here ever since. 25 years later I have a tube map in my brain and can instantly change tack if something happens like a station being closed or a line being suspended or whatever. I also know how to walk around central London and know when it’s worth getting on the tube and when it’s easier and quicker to walk! I don’t often get the bus in central London but I do sometimes jump on the bus in my bit of London if it’s raining and/or I can’t be arsed to walk.

    27. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Elder Millenial/Oregon Trail Generation here. I grew up in the suburbs of Lansing, Michigan and I started taking the public bus a lot when I was like, 14 or 15, and I figured it out on my own because my parents never did, they drove anywhere. It wasn’t a GREAT system, but it was good enough for the places I wanted to go, I could get from my house to Meijer, to the downtown area where my dad worked, to the bookstore, and to both shopping malls in town. :P Then when I was 20 I moved to the Seattle area and didn’t have a car for several years, and I LOVED Seattle’s transit system and used it extensively even after I DID get a car. Now I live in the suburbs of Indianapolis, and I said in the “what would you change about where you live” thread a couple weeks ago that one of the biggest things I would change is that our transit system is sorely lacking in several ways. I would use the heck out of it… if it was even remotely user friendly.

    28. BlueWolf*

      I grew up in a town with no public transportation. I think the first time I used public transportation was when I studied abroad in Madrid in college. Fortunately, they have a great bus and metro system that was easy to use, so it was good to learn on.

    29. Indolent Libertine*

      I probably learned to ride the bus (which was the only public transit in my West Coast not-very-urban small city) at about age 8 or 9. I didn’t need to use it regularly until junior high; it wasn’t convenient for getting to friends’ houses etc, that was all moms (and it was always moms in those days) driving us back and forth. From 4th thru 6th grade I rode yellow school buses to school.

      Once I got to junior high, the city bus system provided a special service once or twice each morning and afternoon that went between our neighborhood and our assigned jr high campus, which otherwise would have required a transfer from one numbered route to another. High school was located practically right at the downtown hub for the bus, so any bus that served my neighborhood would take me there.

    30. Lucy*

      Millennial. I lived in the suburbs where there’s public transit, but I’d have to walk pretty far just to get to it. Started using buses and the subway to go to get to college in a nearby city. Didn’t learn how to drive a car until after I graduated.

    31. ecnaseener*

      I grew up in a smallish town with no public transit at all, so I didn’t learn to use it until college. (I had used it on vacations as a kid, but never alone iirc.) I’m 27, so this was late enough for smartphones.

      Now, I live in a city and don’t even own a car!

    32. RussianInTexas*

      Not quite the same experience, because I did not grow up in the US. But from the age of 6 I was taking the bus or a tram across town (well, a city of 1.5 mil) to my music studio by myself, with my instrument in tow. It was completely normal for us.

      1. RussianInTexas*

        Very young Gen X. And now I live in the area of 7.1 million people and absolutely miserable public transit.

    33. Monkey's Paw Manicure*

      GenX. Grew up in the ‘burbs and was single digits when I began taking busses in my own state.

      By the time I was 11 or 12, when traveling with my parents in other places, they would give me money and say “Come home when the street lights turn on.” I had a great time visiting the science museum in Ottawa.

    34. OtterB*

      Young end Boomer from the suburbs. Didn’t ride transit until I got to college and even then it was a shuttle from campus to the mall. Moved to the DC area in my 40s and took Metro regularly. My daughter in her early 30s took Metro a short hop to high school and had no trouble going elsewhere on it. Her classmates who carpooled were less comfortable.

    35. Claire (Scotland)*

      Yes, I use it all the time. The bus is my main form of transportation locally, and the train is my preferred choice for longer trips. I do not have a driving license or know how to drive.

      I learned to use the bus as a child going to school.

    36. Public Transit Enthusiast*

      Ooh, I love this question! Elder millennial here. My guess is that I’ve been riding since I was a baby, since I was born in Germany and my family didn’t have a car there.

      Then we moved to the Boston area, and I remember taking the train into the city. Then Southern California, where we rode the bus around everywhere (by myself by the age of 10) for lack of a reliable car.

      Since then I’ve used public transit in major metropolitan areas all around the US and in Germany and Austria. It’s my absolute favorite way to get around, because I love figuring out the routes and because I get to knit while someone else drives!

    37. Jay (no, the other one)*

      Tail-end boomer who grew up in the NYC suburbs. No local transit – sometimes my mother drove me to the bus four miles away that went to a bigger town with lots of stores. Learned to take the train into NYC so young I don’t remember not knowing how and started going in on my own at 14. Also learned the subways and buses. Went to college in NJ and took the bus and train in and out of NYC all the time. Now live in a transit-free part of PA (well, there are buses, but they are few and far between, slow, inconvenient, and expensive) and as I’ve gotten older my motion sickness has gotten worse until now I can’t really ride a bus. So I drive to NYC, park the car, and happily resume taking the subway.

    38. Llama face!*

      I’m a Millennial and I only started using buses as an adult. My parents are still afraid of using public transit here in Canada even though they do it on out of country vacations (no, it doesn’t make sense). I haven’t owned a vehicle since 2010 and am *very* familiar with my city’s bus system now.

    39. Anon for this moment*

      Gen X. I took public transit with my mom and my grandma occasionally in NYC (we were from the suburbs without much transit) as a kid/tween. By age 15 or 16, I could go to or through the city on transit by myself. I often got panhandled at the Port Authority or Grand Central, though, and I remember not knowing how to react. Also had some creep who must have thought I was a runaway try to lure me to go off with him for heaven knows what. Ah, the ’80s.

      1. Anon for this moment*

        P.S. I have seldom had a car throughout my adult life, so I’ve had several decades since where I’ve used the heck out of public transit. Though I have a car now, I still intrinsically feel more secure once I’m on the transit grid and know that I can get home no matter what.

    40. Goldfeesh*

      Gen Xer from a rural area (county of under 10,000). Never used public transportation of any kind until I went to college and used Cyride. After college, I still lived in a even more rural area (county of under 4,000) so that’s a big no on public transport.

    41. KathyG*

      Boomer
      Started riding buses with my sister age 5.
      Started riding alone age 6. The weekly ride to my grandmother’s included a transfer.

      I was well into my 20s before the sound of a bus pulling away no longer caused a panic reaction.

    42. BikeWalkBarb*

      I grew up out in the country and transit wasn’t an option. First time I rode a city bus was after college when I was working as a Kelly temp and couldn’t afford gas. I’m of an age (61) that meant driving was the key to freedom, independence, adulthood, and came to my transit use in my 20s, biking for transportation in my 30s.

      When I had kids I was living in a city and made sure they knew how to ride the bus around around age 11. I raised them as free-range kids and they’d give their friends “field trips” on how to go to the mall when your parents wouldn’t drive you there.

      I now preach to people that riding transit is an essential skill for people who drive for all their transportation and who will age out of driving safely. Went through this with my dad and driving was all he knew how to do so he lost his transportation independence when we made him stop because he was a danger to himself and others. He would have been perfectly capable of catching a bus if he’d been able to view that as useful transportation.

      Of course, you also have to live where you’ll have transit service–a decision I’ve already made in buying a house I plan to live in into my old-old age that’s on a bus line and my city has fare-free transit so yay for that!

      In addition to my long-range thinking about aging I find transit comfort such a useful skill. I travel a fair amount for work and almost always use transit to get to/from airport/hotel and to go places if I’m touristing. I love being able to really look around and getting to observe who gets on/off at various stops, which tells me a lot about the place and its economics, land-use planning, and often its history of redlining. I find some of my coworkers somewhat afraid of the idea of riding transit in a strange city, or at least too uncomfortable to consider it so they pay a bunch more for a ride-hailing service. If they rode transit more often at home it wouldn’t be so scary when they travel.

    43. fhqwhgads*

      I’ve had to relearn how it works in every city I’ve lived in. “How to use it” has been different enough that it took getting used to each time. I’d say I was able to take it by myself from 13 onward. I didn’t really have a reason to do so alone when younger than that. The places I needed to go were walkable until I was a teen.

    44. GoryDetails*

      Boomer. Lived mostly in small towns until well after college, and even then I was so used to driving that I didn’t check out public transit – until I lived in a suburb of Boston, and realized that taking the T was (usually) a significant win over trying to drive (and find parking). It took me a while to understand the Boston-area underground, and I got bit a time or two by failing to notice when a particular train took a different branch than the one I needed, but overall I got used to it pretty quickly.

    45. Jellybeans*

      I was born and raised in central London so I’ve taken public transport for as long as I can remember.

    46. Samwise*

      Boomer
      I was four— I was as visiting my grandmother in Buffalo and we took the bus to go to a movie. It was very exciting!

      On my own: I was 13 and my mom was busy, so I took the bus to the beach with a friend. Southern California, generally sparse public transit but this one went straight to the beach.

      We went lots of places on our own on foot or on a bike, starting around age 8 or 9. I’d go with a younger sibling when I was that age, in fact. Same for my friends. As long as it during the day.

    47. RedinSC*

      I know for sure that I would take the bus from my house to the amusement park probably 15 or so miles away when I was in 7th grade.

    48. Sara K*

      Gen x. I grew up in a city with suburban trains, trams and buses. I caught all three with my parents as a young child. I used to get on a bus at under ten (maybe 8 or 9) with a neighbour friend and go to the beach during summer or the local amusement park. Also bus to school from about 11 or 12 (could walk to primary school). Train into the city centre for shopping also from about 12. This was the late 1970s and early 1980s. I still catch trains, trams and buses all the time now. It’s far easier than driving when there are no easy parking options.

    49. Lbd*

      Generation Jones here. I remember riding transit to kindergarten. A parent would meet the bus and escort us to class. I also remember pulling the buzzer one stop too soon and the driver making me get off, and having to walk a block further than usual. I started exploring by transit with a friend when I was 11, beginning with destinations that didn’t require transfers. I moved with my family to an area with no transit as a teen, but moved to a place with good transit coverage when I moved out as a young adult, and have used mass transportation in some way ever since.
      My son is one of the Oregon Trail generation, and began to use transit at about the age of 13 or 14. His determination to figure out transit schedules gave his weak reading skills a distinct boost and his affinity for numbers meant that he quickly learned to navigate the entire metropolitan area, and other public transportation options for going to other towns. One of his frustrations was that the closest transit stop to the Greyhound bus depot was about 1.5 kms away. “What! Don’t they think that people who ride buses maybe take buses??!?”
      Eventually, a transit hub was built directly across from where the bus depot was. Was, because before the hub was finished, Greyhound moved their depot about 2.5 km away. Interesting, because we have good transit links to ferries and to the airport, and even trains. And Greyhound service has been pretty much gutted here.

    50. amoeba*

      German here. Born and raised in a big city, neither of my parents drove. So I’ve probably been taking public transport since I was, like, single-digit weeks old.

      By myself… hmm, I definitely started talking the tram to school/friends’ places age nine, when I started highschool. Before that, most things were walkable (was definitely walking by myself at age 6 or 7). Probably also some buses/trams before that, I remember my mom once put me on a train to the next city where my dad was waiting at the station when I was really young (kindergarten age?) She asked a random lady on the train to make sure I got off at the right stop.

      First time on a long-distance train by myself (5 hr trip with multiple changes) was age 14/15, visiting my friend who had moved away. Since then, I’m pretty much comfortable with anything.

      Nowadays, I take trains/buses most days, I never learned to drive, don’t have any desire to own a car. I live in Switzerland now, where public transport is even better (like, really, really great) than in my home. Even the most remote mountain villages typically have at least a bus once every hour. You can basically get everywhere in the country within 4-5 hrs max, most places are closer.

      My city is also pretty anti-car all in all, I’ve been told parking is a nightmare.

    51. redbecca*

      Also Gen X- didn’t learn how to use public transit until I moved to a city with what can best be called a vaguely functional transit system (DC) at 22. In my hometown (actually a small city, just not one with a transit system), to get to the mall (a 20-minute drive) it would have been a 25 minute walk to a bus stop where the bus ran once an hour if you’re lucky and it actually comes, a 45 minute ride downtown, a wait for another bus that only ran once an hour if it comes, and then another 30 minute ride back out to the mall. Faster by far to walk. Still that way only now the closest bus to where I grew up theoretically comes only once every 2 hours. Now I live in London and I don’t even have a car, because why bother!

    52. Retired Vulcan Raises 1 Grey Eyebrow*

      I’m a boomer, born in the UK, lived in continental Europe for nearly 40 years.
      When I was wee, we didn’t have a car, so it was walk or – for longer distances – bus.
      I travelled on my own by bus from age 11, to school, library etc in the next town. Then went to London Uni and used the Tube daily.

      Much better – punctual and frequent – public transport in German-speaking countries – especially Switzerland. Also found it good in NL and Scandi/Nordic countries. Bike lanes also very common, even better than the bus for trips under say 12km.

      I’m so glad we have good public transport links, even from my small village in Germany, because my visual handicap means I had to stop driving 15 years ago. Lots of other older passengers on the buses & S-Bahn (underground) too. It’s a lifeline for us to keep connected and active.

    53. Anna Crusis*

      I’m also Gen X. Grew up in a medium-sized city that likely had buses, but we lived within walking distance of enough things (school, music lessons, grocery, library, shopping) that we walked all the time (my parents had one car at the time). We moved to metro Atlanta, and I remember riding the subway into Atlanta with a friend when we were 12-13 to walk around the Omni. I don’t think our parents knew? LOL. A few years later I used public transport all the time, even taking buses that connected cities, since I was living overseas and the exchange program I was with forbade us to drive.

      Where I live now we have a bus system that is mainly useful if you live in the city limits near a bus stop and work downtown or along a route there. I used it when I worked downtown and when I was at university (cheaper and easier than parking). Now it’s handy if I have to take my car in for maintenance. I could use transit more often, but it’s not very convenient for errands and such.

    54. KittyCardigans*

      I’m a millennial. We did not have buses or any other form of public transportation where I grew up. You had to get a ride or be able to bike or walk (made harder by few sidewalks and roads that were extremely busy in the summer!). My first real experience taking public transportation on my own was when I studied abroad in England at 20. Both the tube and buses were totally doable and it was wonderful to have them as an option. Probably because I didn’t have any experience, though, I was always a huge ball of nerves when using public transit.

      My current city has buses and I have never ridden them. We don’t have bus lanes or anything, so the bus is slower than driving yourself basically 100% of the time. I looked it up once and my 10 minute drive to work would be at least 45 minutes by bus.

    55. Namenlos*

      Had to take a public bus to school by second grade (at 7 years of age). The school bus ran on the timetable for first grade. If timetables matched we could take the school bus, if not the public bus.

    56. carcinization*

      I didn’t live anywhere with even semi-reliable public transit until college, so it’d be then. That was confined to buses though, I’ve only visited places with subways (or other commuter type trains) and the like so am not as familiar with those though I have used them).

      1. carcinization*

        Sorry about the errant punctuation, and forgot to mention that I’m another Oregon Trail generation person.

    57. Subtle Tuba*

      This is a fun thread! I’m Gen X in the USA. I grew up in a suburb of a small city — we had zero public transit. Groups of kids would arrange for X’s parent to drop us downtown or at the mall and Y’s parent to pick us up two hours later.

      I first rode transit, mostly small local trains, on an exchange-student trip to East Asia when I was 16. When I was 18 my family went to Honolulu for a vacation, and one day I got bored and figured out the buses well enough to go to a museum while my mom and brother were chilling at the beach (and my dad was at the work conference that was the reason for the trip).

      Now I live in a small town with great transit and have a 22-year-old car with 77,000 miles on it. :) I bus (or walk) to work and shopping. The car is for the occasional distant grocery run, or to meet friends in other towns, or to road trip in the summer.

  10. Not your typical admin*

    Anyone else experiencing trouble making doctors appointments? Since most of my kids activities are paused for the summer I’ve been scheduling checkups/dentist/obgyn/dermatologist appointments. It seems like the standard now; at least in our area, is to call the office, leave a message, and wait for a call back to schedule the appointment. This wouldn’t be such a big deal, but the wait time for the call back can be anywhere from a few minutes to hours. On top of that, if you’re not able to answer the call, you have to go through the whole process of leaving a message and waiting for a call back again. Most of the time it takes me around 3-4 calls before I’m able to confirm an appointment. Just wanted to see if this a a new practice or if my area is just weird.

    1. Jay*

      Does your provider have some equivalent of a Patient Portal?
      Suddenly horrible and terribly inconvenient phone service can be a deliberate strategy to get you to use the online equivalent.
      I had to just give up on every using the phone for medical anything (other than 911) years ago after one big “medical” company (read, private equity firm insulated by a couple of shell companies) swallowed up everything.

      1. Not your typical admin*

        I would be so happy if they had an online portal. Even my kids pediatrician will only allow their receptionist to schedule well visits. Anything more than that, you have to leave a message with a nurse. It’s been incredibly frustrating

      2. Hyaline*

        This. The patient portal is terrible but the labyrinthine phone process is absolutely intended to get you to use it.

        I think they’ve also reduced staff at our medical offices, so there are fewer people answering the phones, because “patients can just use the portal.”

      3. Nope*

        In my experience, the patient portal lets you do everything *except* make appointments, even as an existing patient. For that, you still have to call the office :-/ Then you call and the wait music interrupts every so often to remind you that you’d be saving so much time by just using the portal :-/

    2. thunderingly*

      All my providers answer the phone and then I make the appointment then and there…except for the one where I fill out a form online.

    3. CoffeeIsMyFriend*

      I’ve had this with scheduling testing with my second pregnancy and found it maddening. thankfully haven’t run into with regular providers. I’d suggest looking for new providers but at least here most places aren’t accepting new patients. our medical system seems to be getting worse.

    4. Dark Macadamia*

      I literally chose my dentist because it was the first one I found on my insurance website that allowed online booking, lol.

      My kid’s orthodontist drives me crazy because they have some kind of rotating four-day schedule where the day off changes, and it doesn’t seem to be communicated anywhere except a paper calendar IN the office. I have yet to manage to get someone on the phone on the first try.

      1. Sloanicota*

        My dentist was determined to make me use the online portal. It’s so much more convenient, they said (for who??). So I finally worked my way around to logging in and scheduling an appointment. Got a confirmation email and the stupid texts. Came into my appointment. Nobody answers the door or phone. Oh, the office is closed for Columbus Day. Last time I used the online portal to schedule.

        * in my opinion these portals are *not* more convenient for something you only do once a year or every six months. I get that it’s more convenient for them.

    5. Rara Avis*

      People love to hate my big HMO, but I can almost always get a soon appointment via the Patient Portal or an advice nurse — phone calls are always answered. Did have a whole bunch of frustrating phone tag regarding rescheduling appointments with a specialty in the winter, because they would call and leave a message while I was teaching, asking if I could change with less than 24 hours notice, and that’s not always easy if you’re in coverage-based work

      1. Cat*

        Agree they are trying to get you to use the portal. Annoying. I make every next appointment when I’m there. Of course, sometimes I need to reschedule, but not as often as you think. I once had the receptionist at the dermatologist’s office tell me she couldn’t schedule two years out. I told her, yes you can. I’ve done it before. She was totally surprised.

    6. Seashell*

      All of my providers and my kids’ providers have someone who answers the phone. I don’t think I have ever left a message about making an appointment. Some of my providers are with a big medical group that involves a wait to speak to a human, and the people who answer the phone for them seem to live halfway across the country, so that is a downside.

      I like to use online scheduling if possible, but sometimes I have made appointments and then they canceled them or said I can’t just schedule because it’s not clear if my insurance will cover it.

    7. Lucy*

      It depends on which doctor I need an appointment with. With some doctors I can just make an appointment online, some I have to call but am able to talk to someone and schedule right away, and with some I call, leave a message, and then that either starts a game of phone tag or they never call back so I have to keep calling.

      I don’t understand why all places don’t have online scheduling for current/past patients. Phone calls are so inefficient.

    8. RussianInTexas*

      Not an issue here, but I try to stick exclusively to the providers who use MyChart, because it’s so easy to use, especially as an existing patient.

      1. RussianInTexas*

        Except my dentist, but I schedule the next routine appointments whole I am there, and they always answer the phone

    9. Expectations*

      Here you can’t even leave a message. You have to call until you get through. It can take weeks or longer. If people are calling you back, especially the same day, I’d consider it a major win and move on.

    10. Chaordic One*

      The phone tag thing is terrible. I work in customer service and when I’m at work there are weeks in a row where I’m scheduled to be on the phone with customers and I don’t have the luxury of putting them on hold to take a “personal call” on my cell phone.

    11. RedinSC*

      Yes. AND even when I finally get there, depending on the type of doctor it could be months before I actually get that appointment.

    12. kalli*

      I am – my GP’s office admin are down to skeleton staff due to COVID and I had to get my script by email instead of with an appointment and it still took a week to get back, so with an intervening weekend and the turnaround on orders I won’t get it until I’ve been out of it for five days!

      I see a different GP for some things and I have to go in and make an appointment in person in order to get in, and their next appointment availability is end of October; if I emailed them I’d have to wat 24-48 hours for a response for the particular assistant to be available, ask the GP, get the scheduling computer, and then go back to their computer to write to me.

      Why yes, I’m looking for somewhere that doesn’t do some variation on this. It has not been successful so far.

  11. Pam Beesly*

    I have a crush for the first time in years and it’s making me anxious. I have no idea if he would be interested in pursuing anything. Thoughts on how to navigate it?

    1. Hanani*

      Captain Awkward has some great stuff on this. Personally I go for the “you seem like a cool person and I’d like to get to know you – want to do [activity] on [date] with me?”

      Need to treat it as totally normal and cool if they say no. If they say they’re not available on that date but don’t offer an alternative/brainstorm with me about other possibilities, I take that as a soft no.

    2. Peanut Hamper*

      I haven’t had a crush on anybody since I was in college (years ago) so if somebody had a crush on me now, I’d be so flattered. I think Hanani’s advice is good–just put an opportunity out there and see how it goes.

      Thinking good thoughts for you! I hope it goes well!

    3. I'm here for the cats*

      As an aroace, if you are unsure of his sexual orientation, please make sure that you clarify your intend early. Nothing is worse than being girlfriendzoned then blamed because I’m naturally nice to everyone.

    4. Hyaline*

      How long has the crush gone on? If it’s really new–it’s ok to just enjoy it! You don’t have to “make a move” right away unless you want to. Sometimes hovering in that butterflies and glowy daydreams phase for a little while can be kind of nice, actually (and you can quietly observe/get to know the person so you know if he’s worth the butterflies and glowy daydreams.)

  12. Falling Diphthong*

    Book rec:
    Specific to me: Something that embodies New York City.
    Broader to be useful for thread: any book that really embodied a place for you.

    I saw a book with photographs of NY neighborhoods, and debated getting it for someone, but I felt like there wasn’t enough text and not enough diversity in types of photos. But the general idea resonated and I thought if I hunted a bit I might find something.

    The guy who draws Strange Planet, Nathan Pyle, has a guide to practical things like how not to block the sidewalk which is quite charming, but I gave it to this person when they moved to the city.

    2. Chicago Anon*

      Jack Finney, Time and Again
      https://www.amazon.com/Time-Again-Jack-Finney-1995-02-01/dp/B01FGKTGCQ/ref=sr_1_5?crid=1OI73TNOCF1OL&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.S-CO3urB5zmgRwosfY3J92E7J-uaXkplNxdhhk9rFLw3zfkgmSHZBVMm-0cOtTQOmsUvwvKAF5uTmgep_aOBHmun4sLmHMzRn9VVQeNAYjIyxSq6YyNg-xR_ll1J-qLxVPhnb5N8mr0ngnM6HeRFdLBMNuWY5vrlYHG26DWZ8TVfSqPYZoeqIgTf1P46jJVDLouZ-RY1jAnH4w7IEYxsZR4XeachP3TqsNq9IXE2T4I.EFLur6_yJkkxwuPH6Jn5Ap3CkqmhDQ8WPg3RI0iJC1o&dib_tag=se&keywords=time+and+again+jack+finney&qid=1720835612&sprefix=Time+and+again%2Caps%2C396&sr=8-5

    5. AGD*

      Really really vividly NYC books: An Absolutely Remarkable Thing by Hank Green. The Good People of New York by Thisbe Nissen. A Tree Grows in Brooklyn by Betty Smith. From the Mixed Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler, by E. L. Konigsburg. And, partially inspired by that last one, Wonderstruck by Brian Selznick.

    7. Bluebell Brenham*

      So many great reccs here! I adore NYC and the Konigsburg book was one of my favorites growing up, and the Roz Chast one was excellent. A few to add: New York: The Novel by Edward Rutherford covers sooo much, and Colson Whitehead’s The Colossus of New York has passages I love. The nonprofit Open House New York has a book talk series called Open Stacks. You can search their archives and maybe find a more exact match. I liked the talk about The Encyclopedia of New York, done by New York magazine. It was a fun collection.

    8. Anonymous cat*

      The Bernie Rhodenbarr mysteries by Lawrence Block. They’re light reading about a “gentleman burglar” who also runs a bookstore in nyc.

      He’s been writing them over several decades so the nyc of the earliest books is different from the nyc of his later books, but they all have a nyc feel.

      Note: I think Block also writes books that are more graphic but these are more like an urban version of cozy.
      Bernie always makes the point that he’s a Burglar, not a Robber! Apparently the legal difference is whether or not a person is there and he always aims to enter empty places when he burgles.

      And he has a cat named Raffles. :)

      1. OaDC*

        His Matthew Scudder books are grittier. They started in the 70s and Scudder lived in Hell’s Kitchen, and New York has certainly changed over time.

    11. WestsideStory*

      For New York: Motherless Brooklyn

      For San Francisco: Tales of the City

      Both, mind you, are period pieces.

  13. RagingADHD*

    Wedding attire help!

    My nephew is getting married next month in the bride’s hometown which is a destination for most of us – a beach resort in the Great Lakes region.

    The dress code is black tie optional, but my husband is going with a suit because his tux doesn’t fit and we have already dropped an eye-watering sum just to get there in their high season.

    I have my eye on this dress and thinking I will bling it up with sparkly shoes and jewelry:
    https://www.nordstromrack.com/s/tiered-sleeveless-dress-plus-size/5992900

    I am a plus size apple shape in my 50s. I want to look age appropriate but not any more matronly than I can help.

    I considered just getting an infinity dress, but most of the tie styles either look too young & skimpy for me, or so plain that I might as well wear a T-shirt.

    Thoughts? Other suggestions?

      1. Pizza Rat*

        I’m sorry but I don’t think, even with sparkly accessories, that this dress reaches the “black tie optional” threshold. I HATE that dress code because I think it’s so unnecessarily confusing, but I think you need something longer and/or more embellished to enhance the formality.

        1. RagingADHD*

          Yeah, I’m trying to split the difference because my husband is only wearing a suit, so it’s balancing the formality between the two of us as well as with the overall event.

          I’m not sure how many of our family will be in black tie, either. I have a feeling it’s mostly going to be suits.

          1. HBJ*

            Eh, I think that dress is perfectly fine. Especially with what you say about thinking most men will be in suits. In my experience, most people say “black tie optional” and just mean “please dress up” and are trying to get people as fancy as possible. But a lot of people will be in “Sunday best”-type clothing.

          2. Patty Mayonnaise*

            Can you run the dress by nephew’s mom before you buy to confirm it will work? I also think it’s too causal but it’s hard to know without more info. Is the resort fancy or causal? Daytime or evening wedding? That can help you decide. Length is the main issue with me for this one so I’d try for a similar dress that is longer.

    3. tab*

      I think most women will wear a cocktail dress, so you should be fine, and that dress is lovely.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        ^This.

        Black tie optional can mean “Hey, if you would love to go all out and have a reason to wear a ballgown, this is it!” But a lot of people will wear a cocktail dress, and this looks nice and should be comfortable in hot humid weather.

        (Came up on a thread for corporate stuff, too–just because a few people are like “Finally I can wear a princess outfit!” or “Finally a reason for an adorable hat!” doesn’t mean that everyone hits that vibe.)

      2. RedinSC*

        I agree with this. I really don’t think any one is going to wear a full length gown to the wedding, at least most people won’t, especially in a beach community. Beach communities are generally more casual than say, a major city.

        I think that dress is lovely and works for a summer “formal” wedding.

        1. RussianInTexas*

          Two years ago friends had a proper fancy evening wedding in the ballroom of St Regis. The groom’s father is a big shot country club type lawyer. The dress code was similar.
          Pretty much no one wore a full length gown, nor a tux. Some women came in wearing separates even. The were sneakers and cowboy boots on some men.
          I think outside of some rich circles the formality of events has really relaxed.

    5. Peanut Hamper*

      Cishet male here (and Star Trek fan—the fig color is definitely Next Gen command color) and all I can think is that the diagonals on that dress are simply amazing!

      Also, a quick image search of “Black tie optional women” shows that this dress is very much in line with that. If you like it, I say go for it!

      (Also, I’m in the Great Lakes region. Dress codes are not as strict as they would be in some place like NY or LA. Go with what makes you happy and people will think you look marvelous. It’s the smile and happiness that counts.)

    6. Seashell*

      I think it’s nice, and it fits the dress code fine. I’m partial to the fig color.

    7. Hyaline*

      This is definitely a try-it-on-before-committing dress–the layers may be really unflattering on different bodies (just from my perspective as a sometimes seamstress–that kind of fluttery layering and diagonals can be tricky to hit right, and if someone is petite or tall or has different proportions than the model it can look totally different).

      I think with the right shoes and jewelry this is cocktail-attire appropriate–if by black tie optional they really mean formalwear, I think it’s a little casual, but I think most people read “black tie optional” to mean “cocktail attire through formalwear” so you’d be fine.

      1. RagingADHD*

        Oh, definitely. I’m only shopping at places that have free returns or a local store, for just that reason.

    9. Chauncy Gardener*

      That looks like a really great dress. It would bling up nicely!! Flapper style! long necklaces etc

    10. Bluebell Brenham*

      I think it looks lovely! Sparkly jewelry will dress it up too. Honestly, if it’s summer and you have to be in any spots without ac, I’m sure the shorter dress will be more comfy than full length.

      1. Anon for this moment*

        I agree — that’s a very pretty dress, and if you wear your good jewelry with it, you should be fancy enough!

    11. PhyllisB*

      This is pretty. but I don’t do sleevless at my age!! I mentioned in another thread finding a beautiful dress online. I don’t know how to post a link to it, but the company I ordered from is Soft Surroundings. it was the weirdest thing: I was reading…something on my computer (probably this site and it just popped up. I hadn’t been doing any online shopping, at least not for dresses, especially special occasion dresses. I ignored it until it came up about the 6th day in a row then decided it was MEANT TO BE. I ordered the navy, but it comes in two other colors as well. if someone can tell me how to post a link I’ll show you.

      1. RagingADHD*

        Oh, I like their border prints! I’m going to look there for stuff to wear for work. Thanks for the rec.

      2. PhyllisB*

        Okay, I’m going to attempt to post this link. If it doesn’t work, go to Soft Surroundings website, click on dresses, and search the Maria dress. Putting link in separate comment since they go to moderation. I know this has long sleeves which not everyone likes, but I’m cold natured, so I always want a sleeve.

    12. KathyG*

      If you have a chance to try on that dress, be sure to sit down and see how it falls. I’m thinking that the way it’s cut may wind up showing more thigh than I’d be comfortable with.

    13. redbecca*

      In my experience the infinity dresses often don’t look great on plus size or apple shaped women. I think the dress you’ve linked with sparkly shoes and jewelry would be perfect, it would give a cocktail dress vibe which is totally perfect for black tie optional (which is a dress code that should cease to exist immediately, what even is that), but not too fancy to work well with your husband in a suit.

  14. Accidental Itenerate Teacher*

    Whats a bit of knowledge or fact that you consider fundamental but were surprised to find isn’t universally known.

    I’m talking the kind of thing you’ve known so long you don’t remember not knowing it.

    1. Accidental Itenerate Teacher*

      Mine is the correct side of the street to walk on if you’re walking along on a street with no sidewalk.

      For those interested: its opposite the direction of vehicle traffic, so in the US it would be the left.

      1. fallingleavesofnovember*

        This! But also even on a sidewalk my instinct/internalized teaching is to stay on the right if it gets crowded/I need to pass…but many others don’t seem to get that.

      2. Seashell*

        I told my husband that a few years ago, and he didn’t know it. I said I learned it in Girl Scouts, but he never had that in Boy Scouts.

        1. Accidental Itenerate Teacher*

          I’m pretty sure I learned it at the same time I learned about looking both ways to cross the street- probably kindergarten?
          I don’t actually remember, but I grew up in a rural area where some neighborhoods still don’t have sidewalks, so it makes sense that they would have taught it in school.

            1. Mephyle*

              Yes! My generation learned to walk facing the traffic from Elmer the Safety Elephant. Southern Ontario, Canada, 1960s.

      3. Irish Teacher.*

        Yeah, I was once in a car with somebody who was complaining about a pedestrian doing that, walking on the opposite side to the traffic and was thinking, “um, that is what you are supposed to do.” I was surprised she didn’t seem to know that.

      4. Zephy*

        See, that just makes intuitive sense to me – traffic coming up behind me, where I can’t see them, is supposed to be on the other side of the street, and traffic on my side of the street is in front of me, so we can see each other more clearly.

      5. Girasol*

        And the opposite (at least in the US): bicycles ride on the other side, in the same direction of vehicle traffic.

        1. fhqwhgads*

          Yes, because bicycles are vehicles. Any vehicle traveling in the road has to travel with traffic. Bikes, motorcycles, horse and buggy, car, bus, ebike.

    2. Don’t squeeze the Charmin*

      Mine: Don’t twist the biscuit “cookie cutter” when making homemade biscuits. Twisting makes the biscuits rise in a wonky shape.

    3. Spacewoman Spiff*

      As soon as you buy a new piece of clothing, check for temporary stitches and cut them. (I have to constantly resist the urge to run up to people on the street and tell them this.)

      3. Peanut Hamper*

        I used to be a teacher, and we had a formal middle school event once. A student came up to me and complained that his jacket had “fake pockets”. I had to explain about the purpose behind the temporary stitches.

        Most people simply have no idea that they are just there to make the article look good while it’s on a hanger in the store.

        I miss these moments, but I value my sanity.

      4. Chauncy Gardener*

        And remove those sleeve loop hangy things. They’re only used to display in stores!

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          I see so many people with those things dangling out of their sleeve/neck holes!

        2. Almost Academic*

          Actually you should keep those, but ensure they remain tucked away – they help to preserve the structure of the garment when hanging in a closet, so that the actual fabric doesn’t have as much weight on it / stretch out as much. Of course, if you’re going to store clothing folded then remove away!

    4. Peanut Hamper*

      How to get the cap off a glass bottle of soda or beer when you don’t have a bottle opener at hand.

        1. Peanut Hamper*

          You need to find something with an edge (a counter works, but I’ve also done it off one of those metal poles filled with concrete at the head of a parking lot), and put the very outmost lip of the cap against it. Then, with your other hand (the hand not holding the bottle), you come down hard on the other side of the cap, pushing the bottle down. You don’t want to come down perpendicular, but at a bit of an angle, so that it separates the cap from the bottle at one side and then spreads all around the cap.

          I hope this makes sense. It’s actually far easier to demonstrate than to explain.

          1. janesfriend*

            Thank-you, I am going to try it, as soon as I have been to the glass soda bottle with a cap store.

          2. Lexi Vipond*

            You *can* do it on a softer surface if you put a 2p (other coins are available) right on the edge of it and the edge of the cap on the edge of the coin, but there’s always a risk of scratching the surface – fine if it’s something like a wooden fence post, not so good if it’s something like a table!

      2. Alex*

        I would really like to know this!

        I was in this situation recently and ended up using the door latch. It…kind of…worked.

    5. goddessoftransitory*

      That the earth circles the sun. My mother told me that her mother didn’t know that until well into adulthood.

      1. Mimmy*

        When I was in 8th grade, a classmate thought the sun revolved around the earth… I was so, so shocked!

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          Nope, she passed in her eighties, but apparently this fact (obviously well known for centuries) somehow didn’t get through to her. It blew me away when my mom told me that!

    6. Hanne*

      In my country (Denmark) the male mosquitos have fuzzy antennas and swarm. It is the lone females you have to avoid/kill. I don’t know how this translates to other species in other countries, though.

      1. Clisby*

        I don’t know about males swarming, but as far as I know female mosquitoes are the only ones who bite.

        1. allathian*

          Yes, the males live on plant sap, if they eat anything at all as adults. Many species don’t because their only purpose is to mate, and they die when they’ve done that. The females that suck blood mainly need it for the eggs.

    7. Ellis Bell*

      My first time teaching poetry to teenagers, I was surprised to find out how many of them didn’t know when Spring was, or it’s characteristics. They were okay with winter (Christmas holidays) and summer (six weeks off), but some of them were very fuzzy on spring and autumn.

    8. Teapot Translator*

      Pads and tampons go in the trashcan, don’t flush them! It feels like I always knew it, yet I’ve met women in their thirties who didn’t seem aware?

      1. ecnaseener*

        I was taught that tampons can be flushed (NOT the applicators, just the used tampon). Although public/dorm bathrooms usually don’t allow them, because too many in a short time can cause clogs. A couple tampons a day in your home should be fine.

      2. goddessoftransitory*

        Google pictures of “fatbergs” with tampons and wipes stuck throughout and show them!

        1. Spacewoman Spiff*

          Hahahah I am NOT googling that! I always knew there were specific toilets I shouldn’t put tampons in—it was pretty clear that if I couldn’t put TP in the toilet, tampons were also a no-no; and I lived in one old house whose toilet would revolt if I put a tampon or anything but Scott 1-ply in there—but it’s only recently that I’ve learned they should never go in the toilet. Why is this not on the packaging? Did my mother know and just never think to mention it to me when I first got my period? I have so many questions.

            1. Texan In Exile*

              It did. They lied to us.

              I mean yes, technically you can flush them down the toilet, just like you could flush a sock or a handful of lard, but you shouldn’t.

              (And you shouldn’t flush those so-called flushable wipes, either. A friend had to replace the floor in his utility room because the plumbing got messed up and leaked.)

            2. Cardboard Applicator*

              My mom told us that even the applicator, if it was cardboard, could be flushed. My friends mom about had a heart attack when she saw I had tried to flush the applicator (it didn’t go down in their plumbing system). This was in the late 90s.

              1. Cardboard Applicator*

                Adding that I’m on a septic system now and we’ve had to have that thing dug up before. Ain’t nothing going in there but a reasonable amount of TP

    9. allathian*

      Reindeer and the related caribou are the only species of deer whose females also have horns. Males drop their horns after the mating season, females (at least pregnant ones) drop theirs after giving birth in the late spring. This means they have a competitive advantage for the best grazing spots in winter.

      This means that all of Santa’s reindeer get misgendered. Disney has a lot to answer for!

    10. North Wind*

      You might enjoy this old episode of This American Life called A Little Bit of Knowledge. It has stories about people who somehow carried childhood beliefs into adulthood – no one corrected them on it until they were well into adulthood (like that unicorns are real).

      2. goddessoftransitory*

        When you think about it, it can make sense that some bizarre notions simply are never challenged because most people don’t bring up “duh” stuff in most situations–who sits around talking about the earth being round or water being wet? Then, when somebody wistfully says they’d love to have a pet unicorn and wonders if they’re for sale online, the ??? faces clue them in, but not before then.

    11. RussianInTexas*

      You have to check the entry requirements for every country you visit. Yes, even as an American. Yes, even if you went there without a visa last time.
      You need to have 6 months left on the passport when traveling to places, because meant countries won’t let you in.
      I feel like as an originally non- American I’ve always known these things, and ran into a few Americans who were completely oblivious to these things when planning travels and encountered issues.

      1. Zephy*

        In fairness, international travel from America is a lot less common. There are millions of people who have and will go their entire lives without needing to know the first thing about it – plenty of people will never get a passport because they will never need one. Lots of those people will never leave their own zip code, let alone the state or country. And you don’t really need any identification to travel between states – sure, you need an ID to get on a plane and you technically need a license to drive a car, but there aren’t, like, checkpoints at state borders or anything like that. You don’t need ID to buy a bus ticket, and walking is free. (I wouldn’t necessarily recommend trying to walk across the United States, but it is technically a thing one could do if one were so inclined, I guess.)

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          Conversely, many non-Americans can’t fathom on practical level how big America is, and how much an investment of time and money travel can be. Just to go to the other end of a state can take up to a week if we’re talking a larger one like California, let alone to another country. Hell, you’ve got to fly/sail to Hawaii!

          1. RussianInTexas*

            Even not all Americans get it. We had some family friends moving from New England down to Texas and attempting some road trips without realizing how long it takes to get from Houston to South Padre.

            1. Clisby*

              Conversely, years ago my parents took a 3-week driving trip to see New England. They were charmed at how quickly you can go from state to state. (Prior to that, the longest trips in my childhood were SC to Mississippi, which is a. long. way.)

              A couple of summers ago, I drove from SC to New Mexico with my daughter and was like, “will Texas and Oklahoma EVER end?”

                1. Jamie Starr*

                  ^THIS IS THE CORRECT ANSWER.

                  Followed closely by driving through South Dakota to get to the Black Hills/Rocky Mountains.

              2. FACS*

                my dad used to say “the sun has riz, the sun has set and I ain’t out of Texas yet”. it wasn’t a road trip until he did.

          2. Bast*

            Yes! We’ve hosted both foreign exchange students and family members from other countries and had to explain that going from the Boston area by where we live to Disney World, to Vegas (all of the fun, touristy places you see on TV) would not be fast, and that in fact, these places were nowhere near each other and it would be quite draining was surprising to them. While possible, we had to explain was not practical to spend a day or two (let alone affordable) and then hop to another.

        2. BikeWalkBarb*

          If you’re interested in the idea of walking across the US read “Walk: Slow Down, Wake Up, and Connect at 1-3 Miles Per Hour” by Jonathon Stalls. I got to meet him and go for a group walk when he did a reading from his book in my town. Great observations and a call to activism.

    12. Love me, love my cat*

      I wasn’t totally surprised to learn that it’s the female lion running the show in the pride;) Females do the birthing, feeding, almost all aspects of “child care.” The males are mostly in charge of procreation. (Ha. When the object of their affection doesn’t tell them to get lost.) They’re good at snarling at the cubs for interrupting their nap, when they’re stuck “babysitting” while mom hunts down dinner. To be fair, they are also the protectors in a dangerous world, and most actually do care about their babies.

      1. allathian*

        Yeah, even if they’ll kill the cubs fathered by another lion to get the female in heat again.

    13. Love me, love my cat*

      And I just realized there is an arrow in the Fed Ex logo! Only took me 100,000 views of that logo to see it!

      2. AGD*

        I suddenly noticed this in 2007 and went around telling people excitedly. Turned out everyone else already knew.

      3. Clisby*

        I once commented on the US Postal Service logo – the abstract image of an eagle. My 10-year-old son said, “That’s an eagle? I thought it was a stapler.”

    14. Anonymous cat*

      Not me but a friend of a friend thought all cats were female and all dogs were male until about 12 years old. And then started asking questions….

      I also know a family with twins and the parents firmly insisted they were the exact same age in order to avoid birth order arguments.

      The twins didn’t think to question this until high school!

      1. carcinization*

        My husband thought that about cats and dogs as a child as well — as in, that a male dog and a female cat got together and resulted in a litter of more male dogs and female cats. His family was anti-housepet so that had something to do with it.

    15. Stunt Apple Driver*

      I had to explain to my friend that you need to dim your headlights when other cars approach, even on divided highways, while driving at night. She had no idea and had never noticed other drivers dimming theirs.

      1. The Dude Abides*

        Similar to this – on the interstate, if a semi is passing you and looking to come back into your lane, flicker your headlights to signal it’s safe for them to come into your lane.

    16. Mealy Potatoes*

      The small icon of a gas pump on a car’s dashboard has an arrow next to it indicating on what side of the car the gas cap is located.

  15. Jackalope*

    Book thread! What have you been reading this week? And give or share recs!

    I finished the book Sociopath by Patric Gagne that I’d started last week. It was really good and I highly recommend it. The author has been diagnosed as a sociopath and talks about her life experiences and diagnosis.

    1. Teapot Translator*

      Finally finished a book! Devil in a Blue Dress by Walter Mosley. I’m going to borrow the next book in the series from the library, but I’m hoping the representation of women becomes more nuanced.

    2. Elizabeth West*

      I’m about to start Excavations by Kate Myers; a summer book club at work chose it for the group read.
      It seems to be about four women on an archaeological dig and they find a mystery? Not sure it will be my cup of tea but there was something in the blurb about the mysterious thing going “horribly wrong,” which triggered my interest, haha. If anyone’s read it, shh, don’t say anything!

      1. Rara Avis*

        I just read it; enjoyed the romp; but if you know even fact 1 about archaeology, you can probably predict the whole plot from Chapter 1.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          That’s okay; sometimes even if you figure it out early on, it’s still fine to enjoy the ride.

    3. goddessoftransitory*

      Just rereads of comfort books, due to the endless chaos. Bill Bryson, Peyton Place, A Tree Grows in Brooklyn…

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Oh, and one new book! A translated Japanese novel called What You Are Looking For is in the Library. It’s very gentle and hopeful, perfect for my mood.

    4. fallingleavesofnovember*

      Last week I read Cahokia Jazz by Francis Spufford, which I really enjoyed. It’s a murder mystery set in a fictionalized U.S. city in the 1920s where Indigenous people thrived and actually pretty much run the city. I was intrigued but a bit uncertain going in since the author is not Indigenous (or even North American) but I thought those elements were well done and it was a fast-paced, vivid story.

      I’m now reading Green Grass Running Water by Thomas King, which is quirky and hilarious.

    5. Filosofickle*

      My interesting book this week was Before the Coffee Gets Cold — the story of a cafe in Tokyo where people can travel in time, very briefly and with a LOT of conditions that call into question the value of it. It was quite pleasant and I look forward to reading the sequels.

      Also, I started Sue Grafton at the beginning with A Is for Alibi and B is for Burglar. I’ve read a number of hers over the years but decided (thanks to Libby) to give it a go from the top. Even having lived through that era, it’s wild now to read her daily routines of calling around to update people on how to reach her and checking for messages and return calls. People were so much more likely to answer their phones and doors back then!

      2. The OG Sleepless*

        I really enjoyed the Sue Grafton books. For what it’s worth, the protagonist of Andy Weir’s “Artemis” reminded me a great deal of Kinsey Milhone.

      3. allathian*

        I loved the early Graftons, but I found the last 5 or so a bit lacking in some ways, to the point that I didn’t even finish the last book, Y is for Yesterday. Generally I dislike books that are set in two (or more) separate timelines, they have to be exceptionally good in other ways for me to overlook that.

        That said, the completist in me is mildly annoyed and very disappointed that the author died before finishing the Z book…

        1. PhyllisB*

          Yes, and she made it very clear in her last wishes that no one was to write one to finish it out.

      4. Anon for this moment*

        Ooh, enjoy C (Is for Corpse, I think?)! As I recall, it was one of my favorites! (A contains my favorite line, though — “Reader, I blew him away.”)

    7. word nerd*

      Favorite read this week was Wild Souls by Emma Marris, a nonfiction book about the ethics of conservation ecology and protecting wild animals. It affirmed my troubled feelings about the widespread killing of “invasive” species in countries like New Zealand, and I thought it did a pretty good job at offering a balanced view of factors to consider when dealing with situations where any choice is probably going to lead to some harm.

      1. fallingleavesofnovember*

        This sounds so interesting and thoughtful, unfortunately my library doesn’t seem to have a copy :(

        1. word nerd*

          Interlibrary loan request? Ask your library to get a copy? (It’s a recent book that won several awards in 2022, so it’s not that obscure!)

    8. Falling Diphthong*

      Finishing up Rosewater Redemption, third book of the Wormwood trilogy by Tade Thompson. Really compelling story set in Nigeria, about the arrival of aliens as a giant fungus that is not interested in being taken to our leader and just gets on with its own goals. I found the first book somewhat confusing because of the nonlinear narrative; the second and third were clearer and were good at casting light back on the events of the first.

      Gave a shot to Happy Place by Emily Henry, but it was more a straight rom-com than a subversion of rom com tropes (her Book Lovers and Funny Story). I still really liked the way the other relationships were drawn, and would have been more into it if we dropped all the love interests and just did a week at the cottage before it’s sold with three old friends.

    9. Mostly Managing*

      I’m finishing up Range: Why Generalists Triumph in a Specialised World, by David Epstein.
      Non-fiction, and very readable – has the same kind of pacing and examples as Malcolm Gladwell’s stuff, which I always enjoy.

      Then it’s going to be pure Summer Reading for a few months. Which means Discworld (yay, Sir Pterry) and Ellis Peters’ Cadfael series. All of which I’ve read a squillion times before and are perfect for falling asleep on the deck!

    10. Nervous Nellie*

      Two again for me this week, both much-loved rereads.

      Four Thousand Weeks – Time Management for Mortals by Oliver Burkeman, which isn’t the expected ‘time & planning hacks’ book you’d expect, but a philosophical examination of all the big picture questions of life – why am I here? What do I value in life? What do I want to do before time runs out? It’s a midlife crisis in a book, with soothing suggestions and inspiration. Whenever work gets me down, I read this again to remind me of my priorities.

      The Alexandria Quartet (Justine, Balthazar, Mountolive, Clea) by Lawrence Durrell. I bought a battered paperback for a quarter in a flea market on a trip almost 40 years ago, and this book has traveled the world with me. It is the ultimate quiet, poetic, dreamy, literary tale of several people with interconnected lives in Egypt, roughly post-WW2. Vivid descriptions and captivating drama. I always say I will just read Justine and then stop, but it’s impossible. Almost 900 pages of another world. Beautiful.

      1. word nerd*

        I’m going to check out 4000 Weeks, thanks! I wonder if it has some overlap with one of my favorite reads, How to Find Fulfilling Work by Roman Krznaric.

        1. Nervous Nellie*

          Almost certainly, yes. And you might also appreciate Taking Stock: A Hospice Doctor’s Advice on Financial Independence, Building Wealth, and Living a Regret-Free Life by Jordan Grumet. He acknowledges choosing a meh job to pay the bills, making ends meet if wealth never comes, and like Burkeman, focuses on consciously making the most of our very short time on earth. All good food for thought!

          1. word nerd*

            I really love 4000 weeks so far, so thanks so much for the rec! I feel like there are also tie-ins to Flow by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi (one of my favorite books) and Pema Chodron, one of my favorite authors. The perfect book for me this weekend. <3

            1. Nervous Nellie*

              Wonderful! Yes, Burkeman knows his stuff.i am so glad that resonates for you. And firmly seconding your parallels. I know both authors well, especially Pema Chodron. She is a true bodhisattva.

      2. Annie Edison*

        I’ve had 4000 Weeks sitting on my shelf for ages now meaning to read it, but I keep having trouble committing to getting all the way through. Is it the kind of book I need to read straight through, or can I jump around and read bits here and there that catch my eye? I heard the author interviewed on a podcast a while back and really like what he had to said

        1. word nerd*

          I think it works a bit better if you read it through, but you could also dip in and out to get a taste and decide whether you want to read it all or not!

        2. Nervous Nellie*

          What WN said – dabble a bit and see if it resonates. I also feel Burkeman’s chapters are full stand-alone subjects, and that you don’t have to read them all or in order.

          And I LOVE your user name! I got groceries this week while wearing my Greendale CC Tshirt and to my delight, the grocery checker beamed broadly, nodded, and said, “Go Greendale!” Warms the heart.

    11. PhyllisB*

      I just finished The Bookshop for The Brokenhearted. It was…OK? I had to make myself finish it. And yes I know I didn’t HAVE to finish it but you know how you get to a certain point and decide you might as well. It had the potential to be a good book, lots going on but the style just wasn’t engaging.
      I just started The Paradise Problem, and it’s cute but I’m getting impatient with her foul mouth. Now I’m an adult and I realize people swear, and in the right context it might make sense, but when nearly every paragraph has F… S… and the one that really trips my trigger, GD I’m like can’t you express yourself without cussing? I’ll give it a bit more time before making up my mind.

    12. Bluebell Brenham*

      Listening to Cory Doctorow’s Red Team Blues, and also reading In the Caliph’s House, a memoir by Tahir Shah about his family living in Morocco. Still taking my time with Kim Kelly’s Fight Like Hell, a history of the American Labor movement. I might go back to the Friday thread and recommend that to the commenter asking about unions.

    13. Valancy Stirling*

      I’m halfway through The Becoming by Nora Roberts. It’s the second book in the Dragon Heart Trilogy, about a woman who finds out she has witch and Fae ancestry.

    14. Excuse Me, Is This Username Taken?*

      The Year of Miracles, by Ella Risbridger. It’s a combination memoir of grief during the pandemic/cookbook that is absolutely beautiful.

    15. Lemon Chiffon*

      I’ve just finished Sherry Thomas’s latest Lady Sherlock book, Ruse of Shadows. I enjoyed it quite a bit! This series is a Sherlock Holmes adaptation where Sherlock is a lady named Charlotte, and she creates an invalid brother Sherlock as a cover for her consulting detective business. The whole series is delightful.

    16. Annie Edison*

      I finished Moving Pictures from the Discworld series this week. It was okay, but not one of my favorites of his that I’ve read so far. I’m now on to Future Home of the Living God, by Louise Erdrich. I’m only about 50 pages in, but I’ve enjoyed all of her other novels I’ve read so far, so looking forward to spending more time with this one

    17. GoryDetails*

      The Romanov Cross by Robert Masello, a thriller involving Russian mysticism (and a long-lost Anastasia), a fabulous jewel-encrusted cross, and a modern-day research team exploring the permafrost-frozen graves of a Russian settlement on a remote Arctic island in search of traces of the deadly 1918 influenza. Several different viewpoints, the very real threats of greedy fortune-hunters and that virus, and the possible threats of ghostly vengeance… not bad so far, despite some blithe re-writing of historical events.

    18. carcinization*

      Finally reading Willis’ To Say Nothing of the Dog. It’s taking a little longer than books usually take me because I’m a bit preoccupied and also it needs to be read fairly closely due to the humor and other details. But I’m still interested in what ends up happening.

  16. Jackalope*

    Gaming thread! Share what you’ve been playing and give or request recs. As always, all games are welcome, not just video games.

    I’ve been playing Strange Horticulture, suggested by someone here on this thread, and had a lot of fun with it. It was a fun, quick little game, and I had a good time. It has multiple endings, so I’m going to wait for a bit so I forget some of it and then try for a different one.

    1. Teapot Translator*

      I like short games based on logic and I found two : Cardinal and Bouquets by Perfect Hat. No ads!

    2. Still*

      Thank you to whoever recommended Chants of Sennaar a while back. It’s a relaxed game where you get to go around and translate different languages based on your interactions and surroundings. It was absolutely lovely, I only wish it were longer and that the languages had way more vocab.

    3. Hotdog not dog*

      I’ve never been much of a gamer, but I’ve gotten sucked into Lily’s Garden on my phone. I like the bright colors in the puzzles. The idea that a section of the garden, once completed, stays neat and orderly without additional maintenance, is appealing to me. (In a real garden, the weeds are back before the ibuprofen kicks in!)

    4. peter b*

      I’m replaying Ape Out and started Celeste for the first time, now that I have a Steam Deck, and I knew already how good they both were but it’s just something else to play these little bites of tightly designed games with very easy restarts after failure.

    5. pigeon*

      Pentiment for me – I never get sick of replaying it. The meta narrative of how the game works both for the characters and you the player is haunting.

  17. Le le lemon*

    I’ve long learned that any thoughts I have after 11pm, generally as I’m trying to fall asleep, shouldn’t be trusted. It seems to be the time that my brain throws up every flaw, awkward interaction, embarrassment, self doubt, and insecure hang up I could possibly have. Ridiculous or probably!

    I’m generally an optimistic, positive person. I don’t have any lingering trauma or undealt-with woes. I am flawed, and I realise life needs/will have ups and downs…so can anyone share the psychology of what’s happening? Specific topics/areas for further reading? Any way I can get my brain to occasionally show a ‘best of’ highlights reel?

    1. Jay*

      I have the same issue.
      My solution was antidepressants and melatonin gummies an hour or so before bed.
      Just one of these helped a lot.
      Both pretty much solved the problem completely.

    2. tab*

      I just assume that my “busy brain” is annoying. My fix is to listen to podcasts. That usually distracts me enough that I can fall asleep.

    3. Sloanicota*

      This is a real thing. I can get myself worked up late at night about something that is objectively not important and it will prevent me from sleeping if I’m not firm with myself about it. I’ve heard that physical symptoms can be more noticeable at night just because you’re not distracted like you are during the day (so you’ll show up complaining of something only happening at night, but doctors know to take that with a grain of salt; it might be happening all the time). Maybe emotional things are like that, or it’s just the day catching up with you. I would also suspect humans are hard wired to be more alert and on edge in the dark since it was probably a more risky time to be up and about back in the days of our origin, and maybe still depending on where you live.

    4. RagingADHD*

      This sounds overly simplistic but it’s real: go to bed earlier or otherwise change your schedule so you can get more sleep. Same mechanism as when little kids get overdramatic because they missed their nap.

      When your brain and body are overtired, they produce stress hormones, which affect your thoughts and feelings.

      1. Le le lemon*

        Yes, the totally-obvious and best way around this! Ha. (Then my actual execution doesn’t always nail it).
        Agree about cortisol & friends.

    5. AGD*

      I have no advice, but just wanted to say that this is what my anxiety-insomnia combination looked like when I was in my teens. All day, fine. After bed, frightened and embarrassed and unable to get to sleep easily. I spent so many years thinking this was normal!

    6. Snoozing not schmoozing*

      No advice, but I thought you would possibly enjoy this song: My Brain Won’t Shut the Fuck Up by Thomas Benjamin Wild Esq. You’ll need to Google it because I can’t do links on this site. You might giggle yourself to sleep.

    7. Falling Diphthong*

      If firmly telling yourself “Stop that! Now!” isn’t working, try picturing yourself gently coaxing your psyche out of its rut, commiserating with it that it seems to be having a tough time. Like the advice not to talk badly about your physical body, but instead appreciate what it does do for you.

      1. Le le lemon*

        Very true! Cheesy, but sometimes I lie in bed and thank each body part for being so awesome. “Thank you toes, you make me awesome at balancing and feeling connected.
        Thank you ankle, you are so strong and didn’t flinch when I rolled you today. Thank you knees, we have a pesky relationship but you help me bend and spring.” etc
        Aesthetically my body may not match my ideals, but in function? My body ROCKS.

    8. Jay*

      If you are firmly against (or unable to take) things like anti-depressants, there is a thing that worked a little bit for me, at least making things bearable.
      I would sort of refuse to engage with my brain.
      Just kept reminding myself that this was not me thinking at all, but a couple of misfiring neurons somewhere in my brain.
      I would just sort of let it do it’s thing and sort of ignore it like a child throwing a tantrum or a barking dog.
      Things would fade out from negative thoughts to background noise and then, eventually, to nothing. And when the episode/attack/whatever it was was over I was not a stressed out wreck and could fall asleep without too much trouble.
      I hope this makes at least some sense. It’s really hard to put what I was doing into words. Just sort of let go, admit to yourself that this isn’t actually you, isn’t actually you thinking, letting it do it’s thing, and just ignoring it.
      The melatonin made this much easier (I’m a rather hefty person, so it takes 2-4 gummies to do the job, depending on how tired I really am, you might be able to get away with much less) and the anti-depressants made it stop all together.

      1. Le le lemon*

        That’s really interesting, especially as you say melatonin helps and anti depressants make it stop entirely (as does another commenter upthread). I wouldn’t say I’m a candidate for ADs, but it’s interesting that they mute these thoughts. My experience with friends/siblings on AD’s is that whilst they’re great in many ways, zombie brain and lack of creativity are the flip side. I imagine that’s the same effect that’s causing this “mute” on these thoughts?
        Melatonin, OTOH…probably an avenue I can explore.

    9. Double A*

      I actually take some pleasure in indulging on my dark thoughts. I know not to take them to seriously.

      I have a rule which is “No feelings before breakfast” because I tend to think my dark thoughts in the morning hours but they fade once I’ve had something to eat. So on a physiological level I think low blood sugar has something to do with it and I think this could be the same at night.

    10. ecnaseener*

      This is common! Aside from the obvious being-tired-is-unpleasant part, as you’re dropping off to sleep your brain transitions into sleep stage 1, which is that dreamy half-awake stage where you’re not really consciously directing your thoughts anymore.

      Specifically, when you enter stage 1, we start seeing theta waves in your brain activity. I’m no expert and the research is far from conclusive, but it’s likely these theta waves are happening in the hippocampus, which plays a major role in memory.

    11. Nervous Nellie*

      The issue of ‘monkey mind’, rumination, is a real thing for most of us. Zen Buddhists have this lovely idea of painting (or drawing) the ‘demons’, the thoughts that distract from meditation, attention, and in this case, sleep. Drawing and naming the ‘demons’ helps you get a grip on them, so you can address them, and say something in your mind like, “Oh, you again! What are you doing here? Not today. Go away.” Cartoonist Lynda Barry has a wonderful book called One! Hundred! Demons! that dives into those doubts/ghosts/worries and gently directs how to lasso them in a drawing to take control of them in your mind. Even without drawing them, the exercise of addressing them directly as beings you can dismiss is an easy step to practice and maybe even master. It can be a comforting and useful tool. Maybe worth a try?

    12. BikeWalkBarb*

      Consider trying a “Tour de Gratitude” (I’m watching the Tour de France right now so that’s the structure that comes to mind). What happened over the course of your day, week, month, year, life–whatever time frame you want–that you’re genuinely grateful for? Think about little things, not just giant stuff. I’m grateful every single morning for hot coffee, my husband bringing me my first cup every morning as part of our routine, and some time to wake up before I have to engage with the world. I’m grateful for this time of year when I can sit out in my back yard for a bit in the morning while the air is still cool and listen to the birds while I read a bit. I’m grateful for the author who wrote such an interesting book. And so on, and so on. You can be grateful for things about yourself, like your awesome cookie-baking, sense of style, patience with a coworker or whatever. If you retrace your day tuning into the little things you’re probably going to bore yourself to sleep anyway, and the gratitude may keep away the criticism.

      Another idea, somewhat similar, I started based on reading Ross Gay’s The Book of Delights: Over the course of the day watch for “delights”–little things that you tune in to that make you smile or give you a thrill because they’re special in some way. I watched two crows harass a hawk over our neighborhood for probably a good five minutes the other day–genuinely delightful and the hawk finally gave up its circling and left. The other day as I rode my bike down a hill the sun sparkled on the water of the bay straight ahead like moving diamonds. Those are both delights for me. Sometimes it’s something another person does, often it’s tuning into one or more of my senses.

      If you watch for them can you remember them at the end of the day? Would you need to write them down or put them in a note on your phone? Then at the end of the day you can revisit those delights in your mind. For a while I was writing my delights in my journal every day and this is reminding me to start that again. They’re there *every single day* if I look for them. If I don’t pay attention I miss them.

      Good luck shutting off that monkey mind, or at least diverting it to better bananas.

    13. grocery store pootler*

      My negative ruminations tend to kick into high gear around 3 am if I’m awake then. I find just being aware of the pattern pretty helpful, because now I know to not trust those thoughts very much. If they’re extra troublesome, it can help me to tell myself (likely more than once) something like “It’s okay to feel that [whatever it is] could have gone better, but it’s also okay to get some sleep.” I also find listening to podcasts helpful, sometimes ones geared specifically toward falling asleep, like the Sleeping Forecast from the BBC, but sometimes just any familiar podcast I enjoy.

    14. Future*

      It took me far too long to learn this; I mean the point you made about nighttime thoughts not being the real you/being unreliable.

      I deal with it in a few ways. Sometimes it helps to remind myself that the thing that’s making me anxious is a night thought and will seem better in the morning. Sometimes I simply identify and name the emotion I’m feeling and that often helps it to slip away (anxiety, fear, regret, sadness, etc). Sometimes I try consciously thinking of positive or interesting things, like counting my blessings or thinking about something I noticed that day. Sometimes I try to recount a thing I’ve learned, like how to conjugate a verb in another language or how to parallel park. Sometimes I listen to a podcast. Sometimes I get back up and read a little – preferably a paper book or a device not connected to the internet so I can’t doomscroll.

      Usually one of these works. If one of these doesn’t work I usually switch to another.

    15. Le le lemon*

      Thank you everyone! You’re all kind in sharing your thoughts and stories, and I’m reflecting on them.

      1. Le le lemon*

        I will add too:
        -I’ve been working on, as a whole, keeping cortisol down/doing activities that relieve stress effectively. Not always perfect, but I’m conscious of it.
        -Doing enough activity in the daytime, getting enough sunlight early on, etc so I’m actually tired at night –> fall asleep quicker.

  18. tangerineRose*

    Is it odd to kind of cringe when someone sings out of tune? Or to at least feel your shoulders come up on either side of your neck. For it to almost hurt to hear something out of tone?

    1. Sloanicota*

      Yes, I think it’s quite common, with some people more sensitive than others. To hit a flat note is uncomfortable I think.

    2. Peanut Hamper*

      Some people have musical ears and some don’t. If you do, karaoke can be nothing short of aural torture.

      If you are surrounded by people with non-musical ears, they may enjoy the singing because they are enjoying other aspects of the performance (the lights! the outfits! the dancing!). But if you have musical ears, it’s only natural to experience the screeching of nails on a chalkboard and nothing else.

      So no, not odd for you. People who can’t tell the difference between a properly tuned piano and a bag of empty tin cans being banged against a garage door? Probably odd.

    3. Cat Executive Officer*

      Yep! I’m a bad singer and never sing out loud for this reason. Even when I’m by myself. It would be torture! I guess some people enjoy the act of singing even if it doesn’t sound good.

      1. Sloanicota*

        That’s interesting – I would have thought people who sing off-key don’t really hear the difference. Or I think I’ve heard the echo of your own voice through your skull may cause you to believe you’re hitting a different note than you are (which would mean again that you wouldn’t make yourself cringe, at least!).

        1. Pocket Mouse*

          Ha, nope, I can definitely hear when I’m off key. For me, it’s that I either don’t know how or don’t have the control to make my vocal cords hit the right note, but I usually know exactly which note I’m trying to hit. Sometimes it’s related to the key I’m singing in, especially if it’s something other than what the original (or whatever version I’m trying to replicate) is in, or there’s a key change mid-song.

        2. Cat Executive Officer*

          I can definitely tell. FTR, I play the piano and am a trained dancer, so I can recognize musical notes…I just can’t sing them because I lack the vocal skills.

    5. Hroethvitnir*

      Very common, though I believe pretty strongly that it sucks how people are shamed for not singing “well enough” (when it should be a basic human joy!) so I try very hard *not* to react and to be encouraging of people around me.

      1. Angstrom*

        Agree. We’ve been spoiled by the “perfection” of recorded music and professional singers. Someone singing to themselves for the joy of it deserves a bit of kindness.

      2. Hanne*

        I remember coming into a friend’s house and being bombarded with the truly awful sounds of karaoke. A short while later I had joined them and we were just having so much fun. Singing together is – and should be – joyful.

    7. allathian*

      Yes, which is why I don’t sing in public except at loud rock concerts where my voice is drowned out by the band and others in the audience.

      I’m not completely tone deaf, as a kid I taught myself to play simple songs like Kumbayah and Itsy-bitsy spider on the recorder by ear. But when I tried to learn the guitar in my teens, I didn’t get very far because I never learned to tune it properly.

    8. Hyaline*

      Not odd at all. In fact, I think most people have the internal reaction (varying, likely, depending on how musically attuned you are and what you notice–but for really off pitches, most people notice!) and it’s only a sense of decorum that we don’t show it. I used to work in a church nursery, and they piped in the service–when the choir was having a terribly off day, or a soloist screeched, these tiny kids would beg us to turn if off. If the average three year old could hear it and reacted with “make it go away” I think most of us have that reaction, we’ve just learned it’s polite to pretend we didn’t hear.

    10. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      Eh, I sing more now with kids than before kids.
      I know I don’t sing well – bad range, can’t hit some notes, weak ability to sustain a note, not the best sense of rhythm. But, I’m trying to sing “wheels on the bus” or something to entertain my children, not “star spangled banner” to a live audience at the Super Bowl. Anyone who doesn’t like overhearing it because they get too close to us can do something unprintable to themselves, in my opinion.

    11. Anonymous cat*

      I had a teacher who wasn’t really musical but did have perfect pitch. He got drafted into babysitting a junior high band class for a few weeks when the conductor got sick.

      The kids just continued rehearsing the planned concerts so he didn’t really need to teach much, but he said the beginners made him feel like ants were crawling on him.

    12. 1LFTW*

      I have misophonia and a trained ear, so, yes.

      But I’d rather people sing than feel like they “can’t”, and you don’t get better at singing by not singing, so I keep my reaction to myself.

  19. LovesMyKitty*

    Recommendation for kitty litter that doesn’t seem to cause dust? My kitty is allergic to dust.

    Thanks,

    1. Annie*

      Lots of people have asked in the past! A site search for “tidy cats” dust will bring up the recommendations.

    2. Soft clothes for life*

      If it’s the clay dust he’s allergic to – and you don’t have grass allergies* – try grass seed litter. It clumps well, manages smells well, is lighter than clay, and is a lot less dusty. My cat with asthma seems better with this litter, as the clay litter made her cough and wheeze. There are a few brands and they all seem fine. We use So Phresh. The main downside is that it’s expensive.

      * My husband has mild allergies and it doesn’t bother him. My nephew has more severe allergies and can’t use it.

      1. Animal worker*

        I love grass seed litter. I’ve used it since I got my cat 5 years ago. I used to use it alone, and sometimes still do, but also sometimes add a little (maybe 10% or less) of the Dr. Elsey’s clay litter which seems to reduce how much it flies when she scrapes in the litter. The grass seed litter is so lightweight that now when I petsit and scoop clay litter it amazes me how heavy it is. And while it is expensive, since by volume a 20 pound bag is similar to a 40 pound bag of clay litter, I think it’s actually closer in actual use cost than I originally thought. Plus if you check for sales and stock up it helps. I’ve used the So Phresh, Frisco, and more recently added Exquisicat from PetSmart.

      2. office hobbit*

        Similarly, I use the pine pellet litter, and my asthmatic kitty has never had a problem with it. I get Feline Pine; there’s another brand out there that seems almost pine scented that smelled too fakely strong.

    3. Deschain*

      I LOVE Pretty Litter. No dust, doesn’t get stuck in my long haired cat’s hair, very little transfer to outside the box, and you only scoop poop. The only downside is that I have to change mine out every 18 days for one cat rather than 30, so that causes it to be more expensive than I’d like. Worth it though!

    5. 1LFTW*

      I use Nature’s Miracle corn-based litter for the sake of my own allergies. I’m less allergic to that than to all the others.

    7. Jackalope*

      I use the Swheat Scoop litter which is made out of wheat and it has a lot less dust than clay litter. Would recommend.

      Also, when I was trying to pick a new litter I searched online and found a review comparing various types of non-clay litter and used that to help me pick something out. They gave pros and cons to the different options, and were very useful. I don’t have the link but I’m sure it’s still out there. That might help you narrow it down a bit.

    8. Lemon Chiffon*

      My cat has terrible asthma, so we had to move away from anything that causes dust at all! We use the Breeze system and either use the Breeze pellets or paper ones.

      https://www.petco.com/shop/en/petcostore/product/purina-tidy-cats-breeze-all-in-one-odor-control-and-easy-clean-multi-non-clumping-cat-litter-system-x-large-3165716

      You have to replace the pads once a week or it gets smelly, but my cat has completely stopped having asthma attacks since we started using this litter.

  20. goingGray*

    What would you suggest for coloring the gray in curly hair? My hair is long and curly and needs a lot of moisture, so I don’t want to use a hair color that will dry it.

    1. Part time lab tech*

      I am a red head with fine hair and use a henna based paste. I don’t dare use anything with ammonia because if I don’t oil my hair before shampooing it dries and frizzes.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Depending on what color you’re going for – I’ve been dyeing my long curly hair with Arctic Fox for years and stylists rave about how healthy it is, but it comes in like, emerald green and deep purple, not what would be considered “natural” colors :)

    3. Hyaline*

      I had good luck with Madison Reed on my long curly hair for years until I decided I was done coloring.

      1. WellRed*

        Similarly, esalon is also more gentle on hair, though I’m a wavy fine haired, not curly.

      3. Un, Deux, Trois, Cat*

        I was also going to suggest Madison Reed. I’ve been using it for years and stylists always compliment my hair quality.

    4. Samwise*

      I get highlights every couple of months. I go to a salon, the woman who cuts and colors my hair is a genius.

    5. carcinization*

      Overtone would be my suggestion, it’s quite moisturizing instead of drying hair out, and they do have “natural” colors if you’d prefer those rather than blue or green or purple or whatever.

  21. Dream Weaver*

    Lately I’ve been having really exhausting dreams, and I’m not sure if/how I can do something about it or what the cause might be.

    They aren’t exactly nightmares, but often do have a sense of stress to them. They are very complex, and I wake up from them sort of exhausted from sleeping/dreaming. When I wake up it is typically around 4-5am, and I feel the need to stay awake for an hour or so to “recover” before I can fall back asleep. This is really messing with my sleep schedule!

    I’m not sure why I keep having them. I’m not particularly stressed about anything I don’t think. My work is going well and is easy. I’m not in a relationship and don’t have kids. Some of my friends are going through some stress, and I do have a strained relationship with my parents, but these aren’t super big problems (at least, certainly not NEW ones and/or things I can actually do anything about.)

    Has anyone been through this and been able to calm really intense dreams?

    1. Sloanicota*

      I don’t know if it works for everyone, but I need a sort of mantra and specific physical routine to deal with irrational things like this (medication is probably also something to consider!). In my case, if I wake up at the wrong time / out of sorts, I stretch my whole body, and very deliberately think “what a nice comfortable bed this is. I’m safe and warm in my bed.” Then I try to feel the coolness and softness of the sheets and the padding of the bed. Then I slowly and deliberately think, “my problems can wait until I’m out of this bed.” Then if I’m not immediately sleepy I play a distraction mental game (recite something I’ve memorized, do the alphabet backwards, name all 50 states, 50 animals that begin with the letter “P” – whatever).

      1. Roland*

        My suggestion exactly. I feel comfortable when I’m nice and toasty… But it gives me stress dreams so I try not to skimp on the AC.

    3. Part time lab tech*

      Sleep disorder such as apnea? The not breathing causes stress hormones release to wake you up so you can breathe.

      1. Dreams all the vivid dreams*

        Yes, indeed, and you’ll often have vivid, increasingly tense though not always alarming dreams on the way to waking up, as well as feeling overheated when you do wake up. Brains are convoluted and there could be many other causes, but apnea crossed my mind, too.

        1. Dream Weaver*

          Thanks, I’ve actually thought that maybe I have sleep apnea and I guess I need to get it checked out.

          1. Dreams all the vivid dreams*

            If so, it’s common and it’s treatable! Going through the process of getting a specialist referral and a sleep lab for diagnosis can be a right pain depending on where you are, though, so hopefully your doctor can point you in the right direction if they agree this seems plausible for you.

            *Assuming you do* have apnea, things will get easier once you have the right equipment and adjust to sleeping with it. CPAP machines have come a long way in the last few decades–I had one in the ’90s that roared and blasted air out, and I never once fell asleep while using it. Now they’re sleek and quiet, and they modulate airflow much better to match your breathing rhythm.

            Best of luck figuring out your own path to better sleep, regardless!

    4. Zweisatz*

      This might sound weird but if there is any part of your diet that you feel could be more varied, that might be one way. Fruits and vegetables sure, but also complex carbohydrates, fats and proteines.

      I had quite scary dreams when I had a specific vitamine deficiency.

      1. Sue Smith*

        FWIW, my sleep is disturbed if I’ve eaten late at night, or had too much or too little food in the preceding several hours.

    5. Lexi Vipond*

      It happens to me occasionally, lasts a week or so, and goes away again – there never seems to be any obvious reason. But I only have sympathy, not advice, because I’ve never found a cure other than waiting it out.

      (Actually, once it went away once I wrote a post somewhere moaning about it – so hopefully that will work for you. But I think it was only coincidence!)

    6. Ellis Bell*

      Is there a theme to the dreams or is the stressor you’re dreaming about different every time? If it’s the former, you may be able to identify the cause and if it’s the latter I would concentrate on general self care and avoiding the stresses you know about (like maybe take a break from your friend’s problems or your parents). Just because nothing new is going on, it doesn’t mean you don’t need a break from stuff.

    7. The OG Sleepless*

      I have no help for you, but I’ve always had very intense, complex dreams. I wake up sometimes feeling like my brain has been thoroughly thrashed. One reason I stopped taking melatonin was that it made it worse (the other being that it didn’t really help me sleep).

    8. mreasy*

      This happens to me for spells of a week or so. The thing that helps most honestly is THC – legal where I live so a small bit of a gummy or part of a joint before bed is easy

    9. anxiousGrad*

      I’ve been through periods where I didn’t experience any anxiety during the day but when I was asleep I just had a series of anxious dreams. It means you’re having anxiety even if it’s not bad enough to bother you during the day. In my case it turned out to be from health issues (I chose the name anxiousGrad before I got diagnosed with the health problems and was anxious all the time, but I actually experience very little anxiety these days). You might want to discuss this with your doctor.

    10. Unkempt Flatware*

      This sort of sounds like my false awakenings. I actually think there is something more to this than just vivid dreaming. I believe I am living an alternate life in my dreams. I wake up feeling like I just lived that experience and haven’t slept at all. It’s awful.

    11. KathyG*

      How old are you? Is there any chance you could be starting perimenopause (which can play hell with sleep)?

    12. Comma Queen*

      My daughter’s pediatrician recommended a magnesium supplement to help with sleep in general and disturbing dreams in particular. She was having terrible sleep and at one point had a nightmare while at school (she’s 13). We were about to do a sleep study, trying to figure out what was going on.

      It has worked wonders for her. Better sleep, falls asleep within 30 minutes, and rarely any nightmares. Check with your doctor, since there might be situations where it wouldn’t be recommended.

      1. Ellen Ripley*

        To add, look into the types of magnesium supplements. Magnesium citrate, for example, can give some people GI upset, while magnesium glycinate is generally well-tolerated.

    13. Hyaline*

      Shortly after I go through a period of high stress in real life (just when I’ve started to return to normal) I often experience a round of stressful dreams. It might be just me but they seem to be my brains way of purging the last of the stress, offloading it into totally unrelated dreams.

    14. BikeWalkBarb*

      My nights with complicated, intense dreams often follow an evening of watching or reading something that has a lot of rich content for my brain to work with, especially if it has any kind of thriller or suspense quality. I definitely don’t read horror before trying to sleep. I’ll end up in my dreams working to get away from someone dangerous or in some kind of ominous setting.

      I used to have these more often and often had a sort of lucid dreaming element. I’d half wake from the bad dream at a critical point, tell myself something to change the plot, and fall back asleep and re-enter the dream. These dreams and this partial waking had a very particular flavor to them; I could always tell when it was one of “those dreams”. This rerouting sometimes worked. I don’t want to plant scary thoughts so I won’t get specific, but think of being in a dream where something bad is happening and giving yourself what you need to escape safely. So I wasn’t trying to get rid of the story entirely because that wouldn’t work; I was tweaking the plot with a deus ex machina.

      Is there any pattern for you in what you’re doing right before you go to bed that might load you up with things that show up in your dreams? If so, I’d try switching to something unexciting, like a nonfiction book you’ve been meaning to read, and letting your brain come off the boil before you try to sleep.

    15. RagingADHD*

      Have you recently had any changes in medications, supplements, food or exercise routines? Have you noticed any physical changes that could be related to hormones?

      Have you been sick? For example, one of the documented wierd effects of Covid is intense and unsettling dreams, but other illnesses can do the same thing.

  22. Free Meerkats*

    Do you willingly take the last piece of something, do you leave it in case someone else wants it even though you want it, or do you cut it in half and leave half?

    1. Peanut Hamper*

      If it’s something I like, I’ll take it, because I’ve seen too many instances where it was left behind and then got thrown in the trash.

    2. The Dude Abides*

      If it’s a meal at home, I always ask. My appetite far outstrips my wife and daughter, so I’d rather make sure they get a crack at it before I go for thirds (we already account for me going for seconds when grocery shopping/cooking).

    3. Sloanicota*

      Ha ha I’m a halver, but it really annoys some people in my life, so if I’m among them I try to remember that and either take the whole last one or (more likely) abstain from it. In my defense, I can only say I *love* when someone leaves me a half, and happily eat it thinking “how nice that someone left me some of this rather than taking it all for themselves.”

      1. Indolent Libertine*

        My FOO are halvers. Down to microscopic size. It’s been a running joke between me and husband for decades now.

    4. RagingADHD*

      Depends on the context and who I’m with. For example, with family or close friends I will ask if it is up for grabs. At work, I might take the last thing if it is clear that everyone already had the opportunity to get a share and at least some people have had the opportunity to get seconds.

      I don’t cut things in half anonymously, because it’s gross to see that a portion of food was obviously handled in unknown circumstances. But if someone is around I will offer to split it with them.

    5. Rara Avis*

      If there’s an offering on the breakroom table, I have no qualms about taking the last one and tossing the empty box.

    6. Anonosaurus*

      if there’s someone else there, I’ll negotiate with them.

      if there’s nobody there (office kitchen etc) I’ll probably just take it although factoring in whether I’ve already had a lot/someone else hasn’t had a turn

    7. Andromeda*

      Depends on what the ratio of food/people is, how big a half would be, how long it’s been sitting untouched (eg is it obvious nobody wants it?) and whether I’m in a situation where I can ask if anyone else wants the piece.

    8. londonedit*

      I wouldn’t cut it in half. In my culture you have to ask, and you normally have to do the ‘Are you sure you don’t want it? Really? Honestly, have it if you do want it…’ dance, but once I’d done that and established that genuinely no one else wanted it, I’d have it.

    9. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      If I want it, and it’s a reasonable one-serving size, and there’s nobody else in the near vicinity who might also want it, then I take it. I wouldn’t cut it in half unless someone was there who specifically wanted the other half or if it was a really big last-piece and I didn’t think I would reasonably eat the whole thing.

    10. Falling Diphthong*

      I take the last piece. But in recent years have realized I should cackle like a supervillain while doing so.

      Spouse’s office does Zeno’s doughnut, where you cut the last doughnut in half, then the half in half, and so on until it’s just crumbs and you’re allowed to clean the plate.

      1. Zeno's Doughnut*

        Sometimes a novel phrase so perfectly captures its intended meaning that it causes an AAM commenter name to crystallize from the aether.

    11. Not A Manager*

      If there are people in proximity, I always offer to share it. “There’s one doughnut left, anyone want to split it with me?” If it’s sitting around, lonely and unappreciated, I just eat it. I only cut it in half if I actually want half.

    12. Claire (Scotland)*

      If it’s something I like and there’s no one else around, I take it. If someone else is there, I’ll ask if they want it first, then take it if not.

      I’m not cutting anything in half, that’s just weird to me. Take it or don’t.

    14. goddessoftransitory*

      Depends on things like: the size of the original thing, how messy/unappealing the cut in half version would be, if there’s more than one of them (like a specific type of doughnut) and so on.

      If it’s already small, just take it. If it’s going to disintegrate into mush and the half you leave be thrown out, take it. If there’s fifteen of the same kind, take it.

    15. Scholarly Publisher*

      At home, I ask first.

      At work, I leave it if it’s before lunch or the food alert email just went out; I take it if it’s 4:15.
      Cutting in half is common in my office, so if it’s been a while and the treat’s amenable to it, I’ll cut it in half.

      This all assumes that I had a piece earlier and am going for seconds; if I haven’t had firsts, I’ll take the last piece.

    16. MozartBookNerd*

      Ooh I’ve been trying to trace a related thing — I saw somewhere that certain nations have an accepted social custom around this — the last piece is left for the oldest or otherwise most honored person at the table! Does anyone recall where this might be?

      If it’s true, it reminds me of the difference, sometimes talked about here on AAM, between an “ask” culture and a “guess” culture. An elegant solution I think!

      1. MozartBookNerd*

        There was even a vocabulary word in the nation’s language that referred to that last piece in that context.

    17. fhqwhgads*

      Never cut in half.
      Usually, with spouse, we know which of us is more likely to want the last of a thing. So if it’s a “me” thing, I’ll take it. If it’s a “her” thing I’ve leave it. Or if she’s around I’ll just ask “ok if I take the last X?”

  23. Hatchet*

    What are your favorite add-ins for homemade butter?
    I found a great condition hand crank butter maker at Goodwill this week, but I’ve heard that the butter it makes is great for adding in herbs, garlic, etc. I’m open to any suggestions and/or tips!
    Thanks!

    1. Peanut Hamper*

      I would do a web search for “compound butter” and see what strikes your fancy.

      I don’t have a butter crank, but adding some dried Italian seasoning and granulated garlic to butter makes a wonderful compound butter that I leave in the freezer. Need a quick dinner? Boil some pasta, drain, add in whatever leftover vegetables you have, and some of that butter. A bit of grated parmesan and some black pepper makes a tasty and easy dinner.

      1. Peanut Hamper*

        I just read a recipe today for a compound butter that had dried cherries and citrus in it that was meant to go over whitefish. If I can find it, I’ll post it this weekend.

    3. Jay*

      There used to be a little deli near where my parents lived.
      As a deli it wasn’t very good, but the owner somehow knew someone who made homemade butter.
      They had an orange-honey one that was just unreal.
      You could probably get something similar by adding marmalade.

    4. Jackalope*

      I found a great recipe for butter mixed with cranberries (frozen cranberries, not Craisins or anything along those lines) and scallions. It’s really good to spread on French bread and eat like garlic bread.

    5. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      My favorite for homemade butter is a salt-pepper-scallions-garlic blend that is generally my favorite seasoning for most everything, but I also have had luck with honey-cinnamon and strawberry rum. (Gotta be careful with the honey and rum and other liquid add-ins – they work much better if you’re doing a whipped butter.)

    6. Seashell*

      There’s a place near me that makes different butter flavors. The ones that I liked the best were (1) pesto, (2) brown sugar, and (3) cinnamon.

    7. kalli*

      The way we make garlic bread is to mix garlic, basil and nutritional yeast in the butter and then just spread it on the bread. (That said I don’t use ‘real’ butter, so ymmv).

      I went to a cooking class recently that added sesame seeds and oil to tahini to make a textured nut butter; it was a bit strong for me but with regular Nuttelex it would be fine.

  24. The Dude Abides*

    Anyone have good/bad experiences with store-cut fruit and veg? Bonus points if you’re a Midwesterner who shops at HyVee.

    I need to get more into my diet, but do not have the bandwidth to clean/prep fruit and veg, nor does our side-by-side have room for me to store a week’s worth.

    My thought is to pick up 2-3 days’ worth at a time to keep at work and munch on in the afternoon – my peanut butter mocha protein shake has been my go-to work breakfast for a year.

    1. Jay*

      I buy baby carrots and pre-cut celery to go with my hummus. I still have to trim the ends off of the celery, but it’s way quicker and easier than buying whole celery, not to mention less vegetable waste in my trash bin. Keeps the smell down a bit and I don’t need to take out the trash every single morning, even if there’s nothing in the bin but bits of celery.

    2. noname today*

      We buy pre-cut fruit every few days. It’s great, but the containers definitely die at their sell-by date. And I find I still have to trim some of melons (they leave too much of the rind on), while hubby finds some of the pineapple piece to core-y.

      But we do it every couple days since March 2020 for the exact reasons you’re thinking of doing it.

      1. Pam Adams*

        I love to buy cut-in-the-moment fruit from the fruit person on the corner. It definitely needs to be eaten in a day or two. (melon, mango, papaya, pineapple, jicama, coconut)

        It’s also stone fruit season, and I love it.

    3. Catherine*

      I’ve found that pre-cut things tend to go off much, much faster than whole fruits or veg. If I buy something in afternoon Monday–the latest fruit is still good to eat is usually Tuesday afternoon (Wednesday breakfast only if I’m either lucky or brave); leafy veg won’t be good past Tuesday dinner; root veg can make it to Wednesday dinner.

    5. Sloanicota*

      Yes, I’ve been surprised at how much a difference it makes to me! Part of it is the visual appeal when you open the fridge; precut fruit makes me want to eat it, whereas that melon on the counter presents a difficulty and may get overlooked. And I find the pressure of it going bad faster actually makes me more likely to prioritize eating it ASAP. The cost is a bit eye-raising but I try to tell myself at least I know that mango/melon is probably ripe versus me buying fruit and finding it wasn’t good when I cut it open.

    6. Falling Diphthong*

      I’ve had good luck with minis: mini cucumbers, mini peppers, cherry tomatoes.

    7. Anono-me*

      I’ve found Aldi to be quicker and easier to get in and out of than hyvee. And they typically are “better” for fruit and vegetables.

      Some ready to snack produce like cherry tomatoes, baby carrots, and broccoli will last longer than others such as cauliflower, or jicima so I try to keep that in mind.

      You may like what my family calls “The Italian dressing salad”.

      For the full Salad

      Favorite Italian dressing (Enough to cover everything else lightly. )
      Cooked pasta (like shell or spiral)
      Bite sized veggie pieces
      – Broccoli
      – cauliflower
      – carrots
      – Tomato
      – shredded Italian cheese
      – small pieces of pepperoni
      – olives

      We usually do about 1/2 pasta and 1/2 veggies with the pepperoni, cheese and olives as accents.

      Mix everything together and refrigerate overnight if possible. (Travels well, especially if you add the cheese last minute.)

      We sometimes also just do whatever veggies we like overnight in Italian dressing such as carrots or Broccoli.

      1. Clara Bowe*

        Hard agree. I was SHOCKED when I visited family in Iowa and shopped at a couple different HyVees. Their produce sections are abysmal. Please give Aldi a shot if you have any close. Even with much smaller stores, their produce selection >>> HyVee. (At least in Iowa.)

        1. TuttiFruity*

          Whereas here in Boston their produce tends to be cheaper but less fresh than other stores. And they don’t have the type of cut fruit the OP was asking about.

        2. Goldfeesh*

          Fareway is better than Hyvee for produce. My small town has an ancient 1960s Hyvee and I swear we get the produce castoffs.

          2. But maybe not*

            Yes, I live 10 miles from two of the smallest Hy-Vees in Iowa and just can’t buy produce at either of them. It was worse during the pandemic when I wasn’t commuting to Mid-Sized Town and we were stuck with those for options.

            Mid-Sized Town Hy-Vee definitely has better produce but it’s so expensive that I don’t ever go there.

        3. The Dude Abides*

          There are two Aldis in my city, but it’s a 10-15 minute drive each way. My HyVee is the best chain grocery store in town, and it ain’t close. Schnucks can go take a flying leap, but don’t tell my wife!

        4. fhqwhgads*

          The produce buyers for most major grocery stores are regional. Depending on where the line is, there might be one HyVee (or Kroger, or Safeway, or Stop n Shop) with great produce and another across town with abysmal if they have different buyers. Ditto Aldi. The produce at one of my local aldis is fine, another is slightly better, but the one near my in-laws is GREAT.

      2. The Dude Abides*

        This is a common side dish in my wife’s family, but we make it maybe once every couple months.

      3. But maybe not*

        A friend of a friend makes this dish for an annual potluck (the only time we see them) and I’m always delighted to see it. But I’ve never tried to make it for myself, for some reason.

    8. TuttiFruity*

      you need to inspect the packages – if you’re using instacart or another pickup/delivery service where they don’t do this some of what they shop will be bad (they will refund, but I’d rather have the food).

      Some fruit works better than others. Melon and pineapple usually works pretty well, but strawberries, grapes (if included in a mixed cup), and apples will often get a little slimy and/or start going a little brown around the edges very quickly.

      I would look for the farthest day out you can get and assume you need to finish the fruit at least a day before that.

    9. Tiny Clay Insects*

      …are you me? I am a Midwestern hyvee shopper determined to get more fruit and veg in my life, but overwhelmed with work and other responsibilities. I also have a side-by-side fridge.

      Also I have eaten Hyvee’s precut celery and enjoyed it, fwiw.

    10. Retired Vulcan Raises 1 Grey Eyebrow*

      I buy a lot of frozen veg & berries. I find it much better quality and fresher, unless I go to the farm shop, which has produce just a few hours out of their fields.

    11. TuttiFruity*

      Forgot to mention that I’ve found it’s much better to buy several smaller packages and basically eat them in one sitting than one large package for multiple uses. Once opened the fruit (in particular) goes bad in a hurry.

    12. Bibliovore*

      Minnesota here- I have had super bad luck with fruit and veg at Trader Joes.
      I buy precut watermelon at Kowalski’s and eat it the same day or next morning- otherwise it is bad. (and no way can I eat a whole watermelon)
      I’ve had bad luck with others.
      Sometimes I buy precut stuff from the salad bar that I might mix in to food at home.

  25. Rara Avis*

    Here’s another wedding question. I just received an invitation to the wedding of my cousin’s daughter. It specifies a dress code for the **guests**: formal dress in 3 specific colors. I found this very rude — the height of main character syndrome. Sure, have whatever vision you want for your wedding — but dress coding the guests? Who already have to pay for plane tickets, hotel, a present, etc.? I had an energetic argument with my teenager, who “OK Boomered” me: “Mom, that’s how people do it nowadays.” (I told the kid that if they ever get married, I will wear whatever “mother of” garment they want me to wear.) About 10-12 years ago, we had a spate of invitations to child-free family weddings, and that made me a little sad (we couldn’t work out any childcare, since anyone we could ask for a weekend was also invited to the weddings) when we missed them all, but it didn’t make me so het up. I guess I’m feeling like this is a wedding where fat 50ish family members aren’t really welcome because they’ll mess up the Instagram perfection of the bride’s wedding vision.

    We probably won’t go due to the distance and cost, but if it were your family, would you suck it up and follow the dress code? Or decline politely? Or go in whatever garment you would have worn if there wasn’t a dress code? Is my kid right that this is how it’s done now? Or is it just that this is the only type of wedding they see on social media, and the smaller, less Insta-ready ones just don’t get publicized?

    1. Viette*

      I don’t know if this is how it’s done now — I don’t know if your teenager is up to date on weddings either, frankly — but for that specific request, if it was my family, I would indeed suck it up and dress accordingly.

      That being said, my extended family is pretty lighthearted, so if they had something like this going on at their wedding, it would almost certainly come with an explanation and be more of an overdone attempt at a fun time than a bid at Instagram perfection.

      I do think it depends on the colors, too. If the colors are very common (black, blue, and red or something) then it feels less demanding than only being permitted to attend if attired in yellow, orange, or aqua formalwear.

    2. Cordelia*

      the bride and groom kind of are the main characters though…it doesn’t really matter whether this is “how it’s done” now, this is how your family member wants their wedding to be done.
      I think decide if you want to go or not, without considering the dress code. You don’t really sound very keen, and I don’t think couples want guests who are just “sucking it up” at their big day. But if you do decide to go, you do need to follow the dress code, not just go in whatever you want, that would be very ungracious.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        Dress code usually means formality, though. As soon as you start requiring lavender and off the shoulder, or pirate-themed, or dinosaur tails, then either you should provide costumes, or you direct people to where they can rent a costume.

        A pure costume party is different, since the whole point is wearing the costume and people who don’t want to dress as their favorite Pokemon select out. You shouldn’t try to mix “Come to Stella’s 80th birthday party! To show your love and support for her! And everyone who comes needs to dress as a horse!”

        When trying to get people to work together in groups, everyone needs to bend a bit. Even the main character, if they want supporting characters to hang around. So guests don’t suggest that the event be moved to a better time for them, and hosts don’t suggest that everyone purchase a specific beige Eileen Taylor dress in size 12 so that everyone will match. (And if the latter try, they better be graceful about both the number of “sorry, we’re busy” responses and the general air of simmering resentment.)

    3. Ugh.*

      Oh for heavens sake. I would skip this wedding, no question.

      Just curious: what are the colors? If they are pink and green polka dots, bright yellow lightning bolts, and puce Flying Spaghetti Monsters, I’m in.

      1. Snoozing not schmoozing*

        Same here. I’d probably look for a dress (well, pants outfit because I don’t do dresses) in the gaudiest combination of the three colors. Maybe with a matching wig.
        Signed, Person Who Got Married by a Judge, With Two Sets of Parents and a Friend Each As Witnesses, and It Has Lasted 42 Years.

        1. Sloanicota*

          Yeah it’s a bit over the top and I don’t agree that it’s the new thing “everyone” is doing, although to be fair I guess I haven’t been to many weddings put on by The Youth these days, but I assume people are kidding about deliberately looking bad to make a point. Someone else’s wedding is no place to make a point; if you can’t muster a good attitude I hope you do everyone a favor and decline the invitation. I can’t think of what would be less fun than some relative who presumably isn’t even happy for the couple snarking at their choices all night. I’ve declined plenty of destination weddings I can’t make it to without making it All About Me. And I do think it’s a bit off when some aunt throws a fit about child-free events.

      2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Same. I don’t much care for weddings anyway but if you assign me clothes to wear, I’m definitely out.

    4. BellaStella*

      I have been to only one of these. It was 1992 or so, on Half Moon Bay, colours were black and white and bare feet. It was stylish. But yeah it does scream to me as a bit insensitive but hey if colours are say green, blue, pink nothing says you cannot do neon versions right? Kidding but yeah skipping and sending a gift is polite.

      1. Comma Queen*

        A friend of mine just got the invite to her SIL’s wedding requesting guests wear pink and brown farmhouse-vibes clothes (details altered for anonymity, but same idea). We suggested going with malicious compliance and wearing hot pink overalls.

    5. RW*

      Personally I find it kinda rude, but I come from NZ which has a way less formal culture I think – I’ve never been to a wedding with a written dress code at all! My bar, though, is that I wouldn’t want to have a code that would require people to buy something new for *my* wedding specifically, that adds a whole bunch to the cost of going which is a burden I wouldn’t want to place on guests (of course, if they use it as an excuse to buy that outfit they’ve been eyeing up, more power to them!)
      (personally… I set a high store on going to weddings if I’m invited, so if I was even medium close to the person I would probably suck it up and buy something, but I’m in a relatively good financial position to do that kind of thing)

      1. londonedit*

        Yeah, I think weddings in the UK are way less formal. No one wears black tie here and yet I feel like that’s the norm in the US? We don’t wear black tie because you get married during the day (not sure if it’s changed but the law here always used to be that you had to be married before sunset) so black tie isn’t appropriate.

        Traditional wedding dress is morning suits for the groom/best man/ushers, and obviously wedding dress and bridesmaids’ dresses for the bride and bridesmaids, but for guests it’s usually more like the sort of thing you’d wear to the races rather than to a cocktail party. Florals and pastels, that sort of thing. Hats increasingly optional. And even the groom and best man etc are often less formal these days – three-piece suits rather than full morning dress.

        Never heard of anyone specifying a particular dress code – VERY occasionally it’ll specify casual clothes or festival wear if it’s that sort of vibe. And definitely never heard of anyone specifying colours. I’d be annoyed if I didn’t automatically have something in the right colour to wear.

        1. Sloanicota*

          I’m not positive if UK black tie is the same as American black tie? TBH when I have attended “black tie” weddings it’s just been men in dark suits and ladies in evening wear, it’s not like, tuxedos for everyone.

          1. londonedit*

            Wearing an evening dress to a wedding would definitely be OTT. Weddings are daytime things. Black tie means dinner suit and bow tie for men, and evening dresses for women, which I’ve never seen at a wedding here.

            1. Seashell*

              I don’t think most Americans would know what a morning suit or a dinner suit is. Maybe those who have watched Four Weddings and a Funeral too many times, but it’s not common terminology here.

              I’ve been to weddings that are on the fancy side, but I’ve never been to a wedding where black tie is required. Typically, men will wear suits to formal weddings. Sometimes the groomsmen wear tuxes or more formal suits. Women’s attire runs the gamut, but usually the bridesmaids and mothers of the bride/groom are the most dressed up.

              1. Chocolate Teapot*

                The only time I have seen black tie in connection with a UK wedding was for William and Harry’s evening dos, when the guests all appeared to get changed.

                1. Lexi Vipond*

                  You do see it a bit with highland dress – if you hire a kilt then you can get a day jacket and so on along with it, but if someone has bought their own kilt as evening dress and already has a black jacket and bow tie then that’s probably what they’ll wear.

    6. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      I’ve been to quite a few weddings with a dress code that specifies level of dress (how formal or casual clothes should be), but only one wedding that expected special outfits. That was a pirate-themed wedding, and they also had a table full of assorted costume pieces for people to borrow from on the way in if they didn’t already have a pirate outfit. (At that point in my life, between having friends who threw regular theme parties and the number of Ren Faires I went to, I had a variety of varying-formality choices within the “pirate” category so I found this easier to pull off than a regular wedding dress code would have been.) That wedding also memorably decided to go ahead and open the kegs before the ceremony because the bride was running very late arriving at the venue and that would give the rest of us something to do.

      I’ve never been invited to a wedding where those not in the wedding party were expected to follow a certain color scheme, and it would definitely make me suspect that this particular wedding was going to be a fussy pain in the ass in other ways as well. Whether I’d suck it up and go anyway would depend on how close I felt to the couple or the other likely attendees, but I’d be worried that this would be the kind of wedding and reception with 4-6 hours of tightly scripted activities and photo ops, which is not my cup of tea.

      1. Desk Dragon*

        I had a medieval wedding – we invited anyone who wanted to dress up to do so, but didn’t require it of anyone except the wedding party.

    7. Andromeda*

      If you’re gonna go, wear something in accordance with the dress code. I personally think this is on the borderline of really rude, depending on how easy it is to find outfits in the right colours (asking people nicely to come in black is fine. Telling people they have to wear a specific hard-to-find shade, no and I probably wouldn’t go. Depends on how nicely they ask, how easy it is to follow for you, and how helpful they are if you are completely stuck, imo.) People do have themed weddings and ask people to come in eg fantasy or Ren Faire inspired outfits.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        I did hear of black and white weddings back in the 80s (so this isn’t a new thing), and agree that asking people to wear black, white, or say yellow would be a lot less onerous than say offering bright yellow, pale blue, and dark red.

      2. Sointosummer*

        As others have said, I think it’s really dependent on what the colors are. If they are neutral colors or colors that everyone might might have something already I think it’s OK but not great. But I’ve seen in the AITA Reddit forum brides to ask people to wear a specific color that looks crappy on a lot of people.

        1. Andromeda*

          A lot of the AITA stuff is made-up ragebait though, and “demanding bride” is sadly a common genre. I don’t even see how emforceable “wear this very specific shade” could be given that photos don’t look the same as real life and people will interpret shade names differently.

    8. WellRed*

      The couple needs to follow the example of the commenter above who wished she had cared less about the stuff. I’d wear what I want, hopefully it’s not too far off.

    9. Morning Reading*

      I don’t think requiring a color dress code is a common thing. What might be more “how people do it nowadays” is more room for quirkiness or individual/couple preferences being expressed beyond the traditional. (Family member is a wedding planner so I hear about some of these.) My favorite was temporary tattoos of the couple’s cats for the guests to put on, so that their cats could be “with” them without stressing them out to attend the wedding.
      If you think of the colors in this light, they might be more tolerable. You are not being asked to dress up like Ren Faire, or learn a new dance, etc.
      (Actually the thing I most dislike about weddings, mostly on tv, is the trend toward writing one’s own vows. Mostly they are embarrassing, along the lines of what should be expressed in private, declarations of love, but they are not usually actual vows. Give me a basic richer poorer sickness and health any day.)

    10. Ellis Bell*

      I’d try to be generous about their motivations, (“a colour theme wedding will be fun for everyone and narrow down what to wear!” as opposed to “Instagram wedding”) but I’d roll my eyes a little bit nevertheless. I’m a pale redhead who struggles to look good in certain colours so a lot depends on what colours. Like you, I’d be weighing up the total cost of attending the wedding overall and my chances of having a good time; do they seem considerate of my dietary requirements/will there be dancing/will I look ill in these colours/who else is going/is the venue comfortable etc. I think people get to throw whatever kind of wedding that they want to have, and invitees get to decline whatever invitations won’t work for them. I think the consequences of making decisions that might exclude people mean that the couple have to be okay with not having everyone accept. I doubt they are thinking about it in terms of people’s bodies or ages, they probably haven’t thought it through that much at all. Anyone who’s close enough to them to be a must at the wedding is probably also close enough to say: “Lime green, really?” or “This colour code is making me very self conscious” for an ordinary party, but as you’ve already said to your daughter about mother of the bride outfits, people make bigger sacrifices of their own comfort and convenience for the bride and groom when it’s a wedding.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        For motivation–because often understanding where it’s coming from helps with the resentment–I think it is really common to realize nothing you have really looks quite right and go shopping for a new dress or Rent the Runway. So I can see someone thinking “As long as people will be buying something new anyway, I can tell them the color!” and not thinking about how drastically “Must be lavender” limits the choices, or how many people hate how they look in lavender and now they also kinda hate you for making them wear lavender when they aren’t even a bridesmaid.

        There’s just a big difference between laying out $150 for a dress I really like that makes me feel confident, and one I hate that I will be wearing while grimly thinking of England.

    11. ImOnlyHereForThePoetry*

      I have only heard of this on the internet.

      I’m going to 3 weddings this summer and none of them asked us to wear specific colors.

      1. Ellis Bell*

        I’ve only heard of it online and I put it down to the “novelty factor” I heard a nutritionist talk about once. He said that he could make you a really satisfying diet plan that didn’t involve hardship or restriction or expensive ingredients, but people actually wanted those things, because novel ideas sometimes seem like the best ideas. I mean, I could see it possibly being a beautiful wedding, (I also see the risk of looking weird like everyone is from the Emerald City, or a cult) but you can equally have a beautiful wedding without restricting people.

    12. Falling Diphthong*

      Theory: Wear whatever I would have worn without the directive.

      Practice: I would probably take a pass. Same for any other overly onerous ask: “Gosh, afraid we can’t make it. Wish you the best!”

      All sorts of things are actual traditions within certain subcultures, so I wouldn’t go there for an excuse.

      For anyone planning a wedding (or other event), I will pass on my daughter’s observation that the photos come out better if people feel good about how they look.

      For anyone attending a wedding, I will pass on my observation that it’s often the first large gathering this person has been asked to plan, and so they may get some weird ideas that would have been eliminated if they threw a wedding twice a year and so, 17 years later, had figured out what wouldn’t work and had this down to a routine with checklists.

    13. Peanut Hamper*

      I think the teenager said this is how people do things this way because this is what they’re seeing on TikTok and Instagram. This does sound very much like a social media “look how pretty we are” kind of event, and only the pictures of the prettiest people will actually make it to social media.

      I find it rude, especially given the cost involved for travel. I either wouldn’t go, or I’d go and wear whatever I like. If you want me to wear a costume, then you need to provide it.

      1. Jay (no, the other one)*

        My kid was invited to a Sweet Sixteen that specified that none of the attendees were to wear green because the birthday girl would be wearing green. She didn’t get the official invitation with that info until two weeks before the party and she had already acquired – you guessed it – a green dress. I found this so ridiculous that I posted about it on Facebook and ended up with an epic thread of people offering her clothes.

        In the end I took her to Macys, found a lovely red dress on deep discount, and she wore the green one to the next shindig. She spent about four years going to bat mitzvahs, quinceanaras, and Sweet Sixteens. So.many.parties.

        1. Ali + Nino*

          Thats beyond obnoxious. I think the kids call that “main character syndrome” – not a good look and what a terrible lesson to teach young people.

    14. Not A Manager*

      I would find a dress in a neutral color that does not clash with the dress code, that does not obviously undermine the concept of “formal wear,” but that I like and can actually wear again. Then I would get some fun accessories in the prescribed colors, and dress it up with those. I’d go a little overboard, to make it clear that I was adhering to the color code. Things like shawls/boas/shrugs/formal gloves/pillbox hats/fascinators/corsages/costume jewelry. If it was easy to get shoes, a purse, and/or stockings in the prescribed colors I would do that, otherwise I’d stick to neutral or coordinating.

      2. BikeWalkBarb*

        Love this idea. I’m fortunate to have friends who treat me like a friend, not a prop for a photo shoot, so this isn’t likely to come up but now I’m ready if it does.

    15. BookMom*

      The availability of cheap cocktail dresses and dress shirts/ties on Amazon makes this more feasible than dropping $200 at a department store for an outfit I’ll never wear again because I look terrible in yellow and life is too short for sad beige.

      The commenter that mentioned required bare feet though…. Yikes. I have cute toes :) but frankly I don’t want to see Uncle Frank’s toenail fungus, and lots of us age 50+ get plantar fasciitis going long without shoes, or are unsteady/fall risk without supportive footwear. Nothing like telling your grandparents, aunts, uncles, and others who have known you your entire life that your medical needs don’t “suit their image.”

    16. Indolent Libertine*

      Controlling the colors of what the guests wear really has to mean that those who are planning this wedding are obsessed with how the photos are going to look. If I were super close to the participants and/or their parents, I’d probably roll my yeys into the next county and make the absolute minimum effort at compliance, but I do think it’s appallingly rude to dictate to one’s guests like this.

      This may indeed be “how people are doing it these days,” but I guarantee you that those people are the same people who will text you 5 minutes before you were supposed to meet for a movie or dinner that they can’t make it because they had something better come up and they’re now halfway across the country. #YouKidsGetOffMyLawn

      1. Indolent Libertine*

        Sigh. Roll my EYES. Now I can’t stop thinking about… which actress was it?… who appeared on David Letterman wearing a bustier as part of her outfit, and he made some comment about it, and she said “It’s a bustier, David. It boosts my yays.”

    17. RagingADHD*

      This is more common now than, say, 20 years ago, but it is by no means the “done thing” across the board.

      I would probably be buying some kind of new outfit for a formal wedding anyway, so I would look around a bit and see whether it was difficult to get one of those colors in something that would suit me. For example, if black is an option, that’s no big deal. Black formal dresses are everywhere.

      If it was something really obscure/specific and I couldn’t find it easily, or I already had a formal dress that was the “wrong” color, or I had the right color but it was borderline semiformal, I’d go with what I had that was close enough.

      Like, solidarity on being the fat 50 something auntie / mom’s cousin. I’m right there with you. But it has pretty much always meant being a sideliner at a big wedding, right? Unless you’re “that” auntie.

      Which I mean – I wouldn’t expect to be at the center of the photos or the dance floor anyway. Would you?

    18. English-Scottish Borders*

      I was once invited to a party (not a wedding) where guests were asked to dress in one color of their choice, i.e. head to toe in whatever color. “You have a lot of blue, right?” I was asked. Yes I did. It was and is my favorite color.
      But when it came time to dress for the party, I didn’t want to wear blue. I put on my black slacks, borrowed a black sweater from a roommate. And was met at the door with “Black wasn’t allowed.” But no one had thought to tell me because everyone assumed I’d wear blue.
      They let me in anyway. The colors were for forming groups for games and I wasn’t the only one in black or gray (also not allowed).
      It was a fun party in spite of my wrong choice.

    19. My Brain is Exploding*

      It’s a thing, but not a big thing. However, I would think twice about attending if I had to buy something new to accommodate the dress code.

    20. RussianInTexas*

      Unless the colors are black and blue, which I already have, I would skip this wedding. I don’t do costumes at all and not going to buy a whole new dress in the color I most likely will never wear again.

    21. ecnaseener*

      I do find it tacky, like your guests are functioning as decoration and need to match the color scheme rather than, yknow, guests who are there to experience the party you’re throwing. But I would either go and follow the instructions (at least mostly) or just not go — it’s still rude to blatantly ignore the request even if the request is tacky.

      It’s not “how it’s done” by most people, I’ve never heard of it irl, but I’ve heard of it plenty online. Probably it’s just one of those things that comes from our world being so interconnected now — if 5-10% of people are doing it, it’s still a noticeable enough trend for someone to think it’s how it’s done now.

      1. Ellis Bell*

        Yeah I think that’s what was meant by “main character” vibe. It’s not that the bride and groom aren’t allowed to have what they want, or be centre stage, but it does cross a little bit into treating guests like non player characters, or as you say, decoration.

    22. ColorCoded*

      If I could do it easily without buying a new dress I’d probably suck it up. Otherwise I’d show up in what I planned to wear and say sorry, didn’t have one if asked about it. If I thought it might be a thing I might offer them the choice of whether I still come, but that would depend on how likely I think it is to be an issue and my relationship with the bgg ride/family.

    23. Hyaline*

      If it were my family, I would suck it up and follow the dress code, but you better believe we’d be snarking about that request for YEARS to come.

      I’ve only seen this on Instagram in the “this is a rude thing couples are doing now” kinds of videos. Never in real life, and never portrayed sympathetically.

      Your read that this is about the bride’s vision of an Instagram perfect wedding is probably spot on–a color theme dress code doesn’t make the wedding more fun, more accessible, or more comfortable for anyone but a bride/groom set on making sure Aunt Cindy doesn’t “ruin” pictures with her neon orange sequined palazzo pants. (hint: the photographer can probably photoshop the neon orange down to a nice melon in editing.)

    24. allathian*

      I’ve never seen this at a Finnish wedding, but that’s because formal wedding photos only include the couple and the wedding party. More often than not, they don’t even include the parents of the couple!

    25. YNWA*

      I’ve been to two weddings that had color-coded dress codes. One was just a high maintenance niece who had a very specific vision for her wedding. That code was florals in pinks, reds, or purples for the women and the men were asked not to wear navy, black, or otherwise super dark suits.

      The second wedding was because the bride’s mother and sister were determined to wear white dresses that were bizarrely similar to wedding dresses so the couple decided to give a dress code that specified white, off-white, pearl, light gray, and champagne were banned colors. The mother and sister ended up wearing silver and gold in response.

      1. Rosemary*

        Yikes. That first one is VERY specific and certainly means that most people will have to buy something new (aren’t most men’s suits black/navy/dark colors?!) I’d either decline to attend, or wear whatever I had that came close-ish (floral in other colors, or pink/red/purple non floral)

    26. Hanne*

      Buy a shawl/scarf in an “approved” colour and drape it across your front. Wear something neutral underneath that doesn’t clash. If you already have accessories in that colour, then use them.

    27. Chauncy Gardener*

      I’m in the U.S. and everyone I know would find this self centered and pretentious. And inconsiderate!
      Personally, I wouldn’t attend.

    28. Mombrarian*

      We were invited to a wedding last year that specified colors in the dress code. We did not go, partly because of distance and partly because of the color requirement. I don’t remember the color now, but it was not something I normally wear. It made me roll my eyes so hard; I have never seen someone ask that of their guests before! The bride was a photographer, so I’m sure it had at least some do to with making it an “Instagram-able” wedding.

    29. SofiaDeo*

      This is similar to people getting offended when using pronunciation in sentences. Different generations have always wanted to do things differently than previous ones.

      Some brides treat their guests like they are on a reality TV show, where it’s all about “the brides day” and seeing shows like Bridezillas just perpetuates it IMO. And if I didn’t have a dress that matched her “vision”, her gift would accordingly be decreased if I had to buy something specific. Everyone has a budget; I won’t go over it. However, I personally would be calling my cousin to say “would Bride be happier if I showed up in her colors, or got a more expensive present” and go from there. Because brides who want these visions of extremely expensive weddings like they are extremely wealthy or Royalty, can’t really have it all when they’re not.

    30. Clisby*

      The one thing I wouldn’t do is buy anything new for this wedding. If I happen to have something that fits this dress code, fine – otherwise, no.

    31. Seashell*

      I’ve never had an invitation involving anything like this. Between Covid and being out of the typical marrying age range but not yet in the age range where friends’ kids are getting married, I haven’t been to too many weddings in recent years.

      If I were already planning to buy something new and the color was reasonable, I’d probably comply. If not, I don’t think I’d be thrilled about going.

    32. Owlette*

      I had a friend’s cousin who demanded no one wear black. Fine for the women but many of the men only had black suits. Another cousin decided malicious compliance was the way to go and rented a lime green suit.

    33. Ginger Cat Lady*

      I got one of those last year, but with only one color. It had a paint swatch in it so that we would buy the “correct” color. And she wanted solid, no florals, no stripes, no ruffles. Must have sleeves and be longer than knee length.
      We did not attend. Bride asked me why I wasn’t coming, I told her I wasn’t buying a new dress in a color I hated so that I could be a human wedding accessory. If I’m not in the bridal party, I wear what I want. ESPECIALLY if I have to fly to her not cheap destination wedding.
      Make wearing the color optional, and I’d be fine with it.
      The wedding is just a party. You won’t be doomed to divorce if someone wears a non-theme color.

      2. Rosemary*

        Yikes!! I am glad you were honest, and am curious as to what her response was? I would have worn whatever, and then pinned the swatch to my dress :)

    34. A Girl Named Fred*

      Maybe this is just another instance of my people pleaser-ness showing and/or evidence that I haven’t gone to a lot of weddings, but I don’t think it’d occur to me to think this was a weird request? Or if it did it’d be more along the lines of, “Huh, interesting. Well it’s their day, so (shrug).”

      I do find the conversation regarding which generations would think this way intriguing, because I’m a millennial and all of my boomer relatives are the ones who, for recent weddings, have been going around to all and sundry and saying, “Their wedding colors are X, Y, and Z; what are you wearing?” with the implication being that your outfit needs to fit the wedding colors.

    35. redbecca*

      Generally, the more involved you are in the ceremony the more the bride and groom get to say about what you wear, but even so there are limits, so it’s not a thing that people I know pay much attention to unless they feel like it. Making people buy clothing they will not wear again just to attend a wedding as a guest is not ok, but I do think that if it’s a color that most people probably own it’s slightly more reasonable? My brother and sister-in-law requested that all guests wear fuschia or orange, both colors I dislike and look bad in, so I would have had to buy an outfit that I hated and would never wear again. I wasn’t a bridesmaid, I didn’t sign up for buying clothing I don’t like to be part of the event, so I wore blue with pale pink flowers, and I was far from the only one there who didn’t really match their colors. Not a single word was said to anyone about it. If they had requested something in a color that I already owned (pretty much any other colors!), or that I knew I would have other uses for (like black), I might have done it, but I also might not because honestly that was WAAAAY too much to ask, when I already had to pay for transcontinental flights and several nights in hotels and a gift. So in conclusion, your kid is wrong and you’re right. I think it’s because they may be mostly seeing these things on instagram/tiktok, where most people who are shown attending weddings are also instagrammers/tiktokkers so they’re all-in on the look being all important.

    36. Rara Avis*

      Thanks for all the thoughtful commentary! You all always help me clarify my thoughts. At the root of my discomfort about this is my belief that a wedding is not JUST about the couple — it’s also about their community. And the couple is the host and therefore does need to think about the comfort of their guests. Another issue is the waste involved in buying an outfit you’ll probably never wear again. (I’ve only owned two formal dresses in 50 years — both worn once — neither in the right color or would still fit.) We do our bit to fight fast fashion by shopping mostly at thrift shops, but they seldom have dresses in plus sizes.

      When I look at my wedding album, I seldom linger on the posed photos (we only did a few anyway) — it’s the candids that bring back the best memories. Me holding a baby with strawberry hands who was definitely not wedding dress-safe. My great-aunt, gone now, in animated conversation with one of her grandchild. My 8yo cousin laughing hysterically after catching my badly-thrown bouquet. My husband joyfully getting to know my friends and family. The little cousins catching garter snakes behind the barn (caught on the disposable cameras — luckily they were persuaded not to bring them around to the party proper.) Me catching my dad’s eye during the ceremony when my husband’s theater background led him to put the ring on the wrong (but upstage hand) — after I had given my dad a hard time about putting the ring on my mom’s wrong finger 28 years earlier standing in the exact same place (he counted three from eac end and ended up at the middle finger.)

      I do respect every couple’s right to do what they want with their own wedding. I would never mention anything to them or her mother — although I might complain to my mother! (Who probably won’t go either.)

    37. ElastiGirl*

      So short-sighted of the bridal couple. Because I will decide in advance how much I can spend on this wedding, and if some of that money is going to a dress I will never wear again, there’s not much left for the wedding present

    38. fhqwhgads*

      I wouldn’t go, but not because they specified colors. I don’t like any of my family enough to go to a formal wedding. I hate formal dress and would have to buy brand new, which I’d then never wear again.
      I have no idea if specifying acceptable colors to wear is A Thing now, but three colors seems option enough to me, if you’re willing to go in general. I’m more used to them asking people to (maybe) avoid one single color, but otherwise have it wide open, rather that specifying what colors to wear. Although, I think “black and white” itself might be a dress code? So in that respect, I guess specifying colors is a pretty old concept…albeit only in the context of b&w.

    39. not my usual self*

      I’m a clotheshorse who loves weddings and hasn’t gotten to go to one in several years, so I’d be all over this. Over a decade ago I did attend a wedding that was supposed to be something like “dark jewel tones” maybe and it was a bit of a scramble to find an appropriate dress because it was only a couple of months after my house burned down and I’d lost/was in the process of replacing my entire wardrobe, but I still figured it out.

  26. What do people mean when referring to "dad jokes"?*

    There are a bunch of cultural references in AAM that I sometimes have to look up, even as a lifelong resident of the US. I see references to “dad jokes” a lot in AAM. Google wasn’t much help. What’s the definition of a dad joke? I’m not being snarky, I genuinely don’t know what people are talking about.

    1. Viette*

      I would say Dad jokes are super, super obvious jokes that typically involve simple wordplay or puns.

      The classic ‘Dad joke” is when some unsuspecting soul says, “I’m bored!” and their Dad says, “Hi Bored, I’m Dad.” As far as Google not being much help, I have just looked at the English-language Wikipedia article called ‘Dad joke’ and it appears comprehensive and accurate.

      1. What do people mean when referring to "dad jokes"?*

        Thanks, heading over to Wikipedia to unscramble my brain.

        1. AGD*

          I owe Wikipedia about 60% of my knowledge of pop culture, to the extent that I have any such thing!

    2. 653-CXK*

      “Dad” or “groaner” jokes are jokes that are simple, obvious and a play on words. If you’ve ever watched the cartoon “Mr. Peabody and His Improbable History,” they are loaded with them at the end of the cartoon.

      Examples:

      During the Roman empire, what did senators usually get served at lunch time? Caesar salad.

      What’s a dachshund in 100 degree weather? A hot dog.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Dad jokes are my favorite. As you say, they’re simple and obvious and most people are going to get them.

        For the Star Wars fans:
        What’s Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker’s favorite store?
        The secondhand store.

        What’s the stormtroopers’ favorite store?
        The one next to Target.

        2. Falling Diphthong*

          Also dad jokes are not dirty or edgy, and do not rest on gender or racial stereotypes. It’s safe humor.

        4. 653-CXK*

          Let me try this one out.

          A man and his wife were in Switzerland enjoying the tour of the Alps. On the way back to their hotel, they stopped at a gift shop, where a 90 year young woman was selling chocolates.

          The man bought a couple of bars, not knowing they were loaded with the local firewater, known to be the strongest in Switzerland. He took one bite of the bar and didn’t remember the rest of the ride back to the hotel.

          When he sobered up, he said to his wife, “Man, I didn’t realize they made chocolate that strong!”

          The wife chuckled. “Of course they do – they make the best chocolate anywhere!”

          “Try some of this, then,” offered the husband. The wife took one bite and made a face before she spat it out.

          “I’ve heard of ‘candy is dandy but liquor is quicker,’ but this isn’t dandy and it’ll sure make you sicker!”

          1. Jamie Starr*

            Aside from the fact that that joke…isn’t funny(?); it’s way too long and complicated for a Dad joke. Dad jokes are basically question, then one line answer.

            1. 653-CXK*

              Heh…Yeah, that’s a little too long (more like an anecdote than a quick dad joke). I tried :/

              Let me try to redeem myself…

              What did the commuter from New Haven use when he parked his truck at the train station? A Yale key.

              1. Jamie Starr*

                I don’t really get that one either. I guess it hinges on the fact that Yale has a special type of key? I think Dad jokes are about things that are more universally known or relatable.

                Like did you hear about the new corduroy pillows that are trending? They’re making headlines.

                1. LBD*

                  A Yale key is a key for a kind of lock patented by someone named Yale. It is quite common but referring to it as a Yale key is a bit old fashioned now. So actually helps the idea of the dad joke along!

          2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            Yeah, not a dad joke. (And I don’t get what is supposed to be funny either.)

        5. Jill Swinburne*

          Luke and Obi-Wan are at a Chinese restaurant and Luke is really struggling with the chopsticks, dropping bits of chicken and rice everywhere. Obi-Wan looks at him, sighs in a tired sort of way, and says ‘use the forks, Luke’.

    3. Ellis Bell*

      They tend to be very clean cut, family friendly and non edgy. They’re also usually really punny or obvious enough that young children could understand them. In the UK these would be the kind of jokes that you find inside a Christmas cracker; suitable enough to be read at the table at Christmas dinner in front of the grandparents and toddlers.

      1. londonedit*

        Definitely, and usually they’re the sort of corny jokes that make everyone groan.

    4. FACS*

      ya gotta go with silly stuff. Like “did you hear about the arborist that became a bank manager? She loves her branch!” or “got flagged by airport security because My son had a magic 8 ball. two TSA agents debated. My husband said, if there was only a way to answer a question! um?”

      We moved on.

    5. Forrest Rhodes*

      My dad told me the one about the magician who was walking down the street and turned into a drugstore.

      1. Angstrom*

        Did you hear what happened downtown? Two peanuts were walking down the street and one of them was a salted.

        Give me an alligator sandwich, and make it snappy!

        A dusck walks into a drugstore and asks for a tube of lip balm.
        The druggist asks “Will that be cash or charge?”
        The duck says “Just put it on my bill.”

  27. WoodswomanWrites*

    Thanks to everyone who gave me advice a while back about being ready for my first ever music camp after playing my instrument for decades. I’m so glad I dove straight into the advanced level. The beginner, advanced beginner, and intermediate sessions would have been too basic. I learned a bunch from the excellent teachers and other musicians, and have lots of great stuff to continue working on going forward.

    My instrument isn’t common and it was so fun to be around people from 13 states who love it as much as I do. Not only am I energized about my own playing, but I met the leader of a local group to connect with. An extra perk was how incredibly welcoming everyone was. It turns out there’s a community of many people who attend year after year, and they were just as welcoming to me as a newbie as to each other. With the option there to place a deposit for next year, I didn’t hesitate.

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        Aww, thank you! I’ve been feeling blue this weekend and this really cheers me up.

    3. Chauncy Gardener*

      This is so awesome to hear!!
      Hammered dulcimer, right? How cool would it be to be in a room with all those people playing that?!!!

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        Almost. It’s mountain dulcimer. And at our informal evening jams, people brought lots of other instruments too–banjo, mandolin, pennywhistle, etc.

  28. Cookies For Breakfast*

    Low-stakes party etiquette question. My partner is hosting a barbecue because it was his birthday earlier this week. Guests are a mix of close friends from our home country, and work friends he enjoys spending time with. He has never mixed these friend groups before.

    He doesn’t expect a gift from anyone, and doesn’t want anyone to feel pressured into buying something. That said, he has done this before with the close friend group, and they will likely bring a gift, sing happy birthday when we bring out our low-key homemade dessert, and mention the birthday in conversation. The other guests have no idea it was his birthday at all.

    What would you do to establish the “kind of a birthday party but also no gifts needed” vibe? Tell people very casually there’s been a birthday, as a FYI, and let them do what they want with the information? Openly say “you may hear about a birthday but there’s no pressure to bring anything” (which may have the opposite effect)? Not say a thing and risk people feeling awkward when it becomes obvious?

    We were debating this last night and I’m not sure myself what I’d do! My birthday is soon, and this is the kind of thing that makes me want to not plan anything that mixes friend groups (my partner is better at being social and would probably get away with any of the three options, I wouldn’t trust myself to not insert awkwardness somewhere).

    1. Cordelia*

      I don’t think it needs to be awkward. Don’t worry about briefing the work friends in advance, that does have the potential of sounding like a request for gifts, when that’s specifically what you don’t intend! The work friends can just say “oh no, we didn’t know it was your birthday!” and husband can say “no, I didn’t publicise it, it’s just that these people have been around for years”. Then everyone can sing happy birthday and get on with the party. I wouldn’t find it awkward to turn up without a present if I didn’t know there had been a birthday (knowing and forgetting is different!). It’s only awkward if you make it awkward…

      1. Sloanicota*

        I think you can also say, “oh, it’s not his birthday, that was earlier in the week but I haven’t seen him since” that would make me feel better as a guest. If I found out I was at someone’s house on the actual day and others had brought a gift/cake and I hadn’t, that would make me feel a bit awkward. I guess you could also think of something everyone can do as their “gift” now that they’re here, like, I don’t know, maybe all sign a photo card or decorate a cookie or something.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I think if I were one of the work friends and I showed up and there was like, birthday decorations and party hats and a whole gift table, then it would be awkward that nobody told me about a birthday. But if I show up to a barbecue and someone happens to say it’s the host’s birthday, and I go “oh I had no idea, happy birthday” and they go “no big, this isn’t a birthday party or anything, I’ve just known Sam for 20 years so they knew” I will not feel awkward or weird. :)

    3. londonedit*

      I think if you say it’s a birthday barbecue then people won’t expect a full-on party. He could say something like ‘Having a barbecue to celebrate my birthday, no need to bring anything, just want to have a nice time hanging out with everyone!’ People might still bring something – but people will usually at least bring a bottle to a barbecue anyway. I think just get across that it’s a casual barbecue and not a party and it’ll be fine.

    4. Anono-me*

      At a birthday party my spouse’s family threw for me (We were visiting from out of town and he blabbed), I specifically asked for recent family photos from all the guests. It is my ‘thing’ now and I have a great photo album going of his very huge side of the family Also a quick review helps me before the next visit. (My side of the family lives near us and is just a tiny handful of people. )

  29. MozartBookNerd*

    Big childhood stamp collection — any suggestions on how to dispose of it in a somewhat constructive way?

    There aren’t any kids in my family who’d enjoy it (too bad, but oh well); and at this stage of my life I’m happily seeking to clear out bulky papers ‘n stuff. I preserve lots of wonderful memories by keeping just snapshots or samples, abutd I offload the bulk, so sentimental value isn’t an impediment here.

    I see from Google that there’s a charity called Stamps for the Wounded. Are there other relevant charities that I’m not thinking of? The Worldwide Nerdy Kids Foundation? ;)

    1. Imprudence*

      I just gave my father’s stamp collection to a local school. the stamps were from the 1900s to 1940s, and they will, amon other things, use them for history teaching — because several significant events from taht era are revealed in stamp form. As well as the curious “look what children thought was fun before the internet.”

    2. BellaStella*

      Do you have a coin and tamp shop in a town near you? Philately and coin shops are common in many places. Perhaps they would be interested in them or maybe they are worth selling?

      1. Ochre*

        When I took a collection to a stamp shop (granted, probably 12 years ago) the dealer paged through the earliest pages of the albums, saw that I didn’t have anything particularly old and rare, and said the value of the collection was basically sentimental and I should do with it as I pleased. OP might be able to part out a collection and sell certain items individually–either rare items or specialty items like 50 dinosaur stamps–but the first probably requires authenticating the stamps and the second (could be) a lot of work with little financial gain.

        I’d love to hear if this has changed, because I still have the collection! It *is* sentimental to me but it also takes up a lot of space.

    3. Maya*

      If you just want it to go to someone who wants it, maybe sell it for not a lot as a collection on Ebay or Etsy? Anything that’s ‘vintage ephemera’ seems big on Etsy right now. Downside of Etsy is it could sit in your shop for months, but you might get a higher price. Upside of Ebay is someone will probably bid on it faster.

    4. Once too Often*

      Right Sharing of World Resources, a Quaker organization, has a long standing stamp program. Proceeds support programs & services.

    5. Hyaline*

      There’s a convent not far from me that takes stamp collections to raise money for charitable missions—Google “stamps sisters holy cross” if that might align with what you’d like to do. The sisters sort and sell them.

  30. Madame Arcati*

    I’m singing in a concert tonight and thought I’d post here as it’s American music! (And the choir/venue is not). I think it was planned for a previous year when the day of the concert fell on the 4th of July but there was some sort of upheaval in 292, I forget…
    We are starting with some adaptations of folk songs, then the (versions of) spirituals from Tippett’s a child of our time, then into some swing, show tunes and a bit of Disney!
    I must admit it’s not normally my sort of thing (I’m more O Sacrum Convivium than A Whole New World) but it is evidently a crowd pleaser and we are sold out, which is no mean feat in a provincial setting, in the current economic climate.
    I think we have little Stars and Stripes ribbons on our corsages…

    Anyone else doing musical things this weekend?

    2. StrayMom*

      I am! My band mates and I will be taking part in what is billed as a “musical scavenger hunt” today – neighbors in a 3 block area have volunteered their porches to host bands this afternoon.
      Your concert sounds like a lot of fun – break a leg and enjoy! And please let us know how it went!

      1. Jay (no, the other one)*

        PorchFest! One of the local communities does that and it’s a blast. have fun!

      2. Madame Arcati*

        It went very well thank you! A packed house, and two concertgoers on the front row waving the Stars and Stripes and wearing it as a cape (they turned out to be actual Americans) who may not have got the traction for the standing ovation but helped us out by calling for an encore – a version of You’ll Never Walk Alone (yes, fellow brits, it’s not merely a football song it is from Carousel!) with Climb Every Mountain in it. Not a dry eye in the place.
        I looked up pics of Shenandoah and I actually do quite long to see it.

    3. Anonymous cat*

      If you’re okay with it, would you mind telling us roughly where you are? I’m curious which locale would have an all American music concert!

      1. Madame Arcati*

        The concert was in Hampshire – the locale has no particular connection to the US (it’s not near where lots of us military or diplomats are based etc) it was simply a theme for the concert – probably inspired by the original date of the Fourth of July and to do something crowd pleasing and family friendly with the musicals etc. If we don’t do a single large work like the Messiah we normally have a theme, like we’ve done opera choruses, or in autumn we’re doing Duruflé’s requiem so we are complementing that with other french composers. Or we’ve done modern female composers.

  31. Morning Reading*

    Questions and experience sharing re hard of hearing/progressing deafness:

    I am having age-related hearing loss, got my first hearing aids about a year ago. I’d like some commiseration and tips from others in the same or similar boat on how it’s going.

    I’ve gotten used to the aids (is there a better word for these?) but it is such a relief to take them out at the end of the day. Apparently I have become accustomed to the blessed silence of the world around me and now all the background noise is driving me nuts. Lawn mowers and other equipment outdoors running constantly. Some kind of construction that is maybe half mile away I can hear from my front porch. My neighbor’s AC unit, the refrigerator, the fan… just constant buzzing of noise. At some point should my brain be getting better at filtering these things out? Maybe I always used to hear them but now I haven’t in so long they seem louder?

    I took a beginner’s class in ASL. I liked it very much; I’m slower to develop skill in reading sign than doing the signing myself. As far as I’ve noticed, people who are or become deaf younger use ASL more frequently. Is it something I should pursue with this aging deafness? Anyone in a similar situation find it useful? I think it could be if I got others or at least one other friend or family to learn too. So far my skill level is at the point where it is easier to just text the person sitting next to me.

    Strategies for loud places? Some restaurants are almost impossible to hear in, no matter how I adjust the aids. Quiet backgrounds are easier. Worse case is trying to hear conversation where something else is being amplified, music or a tv on. I tell my friends I won’t be able to hear them unless their voice is louder than their tv. It seems to be (again) that I can’t filter out the sound being amplified to concentrate on my friend’s voice. It’s best if they turn it off or way down.

    Not looking for medical advice, more, how best to cope with this stuff? Any suggestions for other useful forums? Is there is a discussion group for Aged Parents somewhere (a little Dickensian joke, pardon me while I grab my ear horn…)? This is only going to get worse; to judge by my parents’ and aunts’ experiences, I’ll likely be very deaf by age 80 if I’m lucky enough to live so long.

    1. Sloanicota*

      I have a friend like this and she really helps me be a good friend to her by making suggestions of what we can do together that work for her. She’s direct! “No, we probably shouldn’t watch a movie together, I won’t be able to hear you and the TV” (although we can parallel watch something from our respective houses and text each other another night – but as an activity for our day together, that’s not a good one. She knows what restaurants work for her and steers me away from options she knows won’t be good. She might suggest we take a walk together in a park she knows isn’t as close to the airport. Of course I do try to suggest things that I think will be good for her, but I don’t always know as well as she does, and I want to do things she will be able to enjoy! So maybe you can work up a short list of good options and lead/steer to those.

    2. Lizzie (with the deaf cat)*

      I wonder how hearing aids, and noise cancelling headphones might combine? I am thinking of the headphones that cut out all noise apart from voices etc… I know nothing about it, but it seems a fruitful area of research for people who want to hear conversation and nothing else.
      My mother never really adapted to a hearing aid due to background noise – her brain had totally adapted to not hearing it. (This is the reason behind wearing aids sooner rather than later, while your brain will still tune out background sound for you. )
      If it is possible for you, an appointment with an audiometrist might help as you could discuss your specific requirements.
      And I think we should all learn ASL in school! Maybe that is a coming thing – I know several people with small (non deaf) babies who are teaching them signs for basic stuff as an adjunct to verbal language.

      1. Junior Dev (now mid level)*

        There are Bluetooth heading aids so you can connect them directly to a device rather than listening to something through them (and that could also be used for watching movies). I think my aunt has them. I don’t know if there are noise canceling options.

        1. Samwise*

          I have hearing aids w Bluetooth. They’re fabulous. And they were expensive. Phonak brand.

    3. ImOnlyHereForThePoetry*

      There is an app called SoundPrint that may help you find quiet restaurants.

      You can measure the noise in a restaurant and upload it and you can see the measurements of restaurants near you. (It relies on other people using the app as well to get the restaurant info so YMMV)

      1. Morning Reading*

        Thanks, I will get this! There are not many restaurants in my area and I tend to frequent outdoor places more, breweries, food trucks, but this will be great when I travel or run over to Chicago.

    4. Hotdog not dog*

      I hate hearing aids! It took practice, but I’ve gotten pretty good at lip reading. (my hearing started to decline in my 20s, mostly from spending my teens with a Walkman before they realized that could be damaging.)
      I also rely on texting and observing body language.
      If I absolutely must, I’ll put in hearing aids but then I take them out asap.

      1. Morning Reading*

        Sympathies! Even though mine are tiny, I can almost always feel them in there. Makes my head feel stuffed. I am waiting to get so used to them I don’t notice, like my glasses. I think I’ve been “lip reading” for years without realizing. Anything you recommend to get better at that?

        1. Hotdog not dog*

          Closed caption tv (so you can read the words and see the mouth shapes at the same time) and years of practice. I often miss some of the words, but can fill in the missing pieces by context, tone, and body language.

    5. TO person*

      I think your friends need to turn their tv off while you are talking. When did it become normal to have it on all the time while not really watching?! I notice this a lot. Also don’t be polite – tell them ‘I need you to speak directly towards me with no background noise’. My MiL will not tell even close family, she shuts down and it is not good.
      Besides that, do your hearing aids come with a microphone you can put in front of the person who is talking? My MiL’s did, you can buy it as an add-on I think. I know you said you adjusted the hearing aids, do they have a ‘restaurant’ or similar setting to reduce the background noise? I suspect your hearing isn’t that bad so you hear everything very clearly with hearing aids. It’s good news even if annoying ;-).
      I know you want commiseration not advice up but don’t give up on hearing please! You will miss so much casual interaction like neighbours saying hi. Daily noise like lawnmowers is very annoying to me as a hearing person! But it is useful to hear if the toilet is running or the dishwasher or stove fan is still on – my MiL cannot.

    6. For the record*

      I admire you for persevering and using hearing aids even with the noise issues. Many people won’t be bothered to work through the adjustment curve of wearing hearing aids. They think other people should stop mumbling, just speak louder, or not speak at all if they are not looking straight at them. They find hearing aids to be fussy and troublesome and too loud and make them feel old and so abandon using the devices altogether. Then they become chronically irritated at the effort of communication, and eventually become isolated and less interested in going forth in the world. At least, this is my experience with several members of my own family over the last 15-20 years (I’m old). I wish hearing devices were as normalized as, say, reading glasses are for the older population.

      There are several medical studies on hearing aid use/abandonment looking at underlying reasons (most cited is not wanting to feel old) and the effects of not addressing failing hearing. AARP’s Global Council on Brain Health recently published a special report on the connection between hearing loss and dementia (Hearing and Brain Health). They identified hearing loss as the largest potentially modifiable risk factor for dementia in the world. Other studies have found that loss of hearing also leads to loss of language-actually losing the meaning of words (permanently forgetting words). I believe AARP has an active Facebook group/following. You might look into whether there is an AARP forum on hearing loss.

      In my family, 5 out of 6 people would not/could not adjust to hearing devices. The one person that did said that there is a learning curve for both the device itself and the brain to sort out/block out/learn to ignore unimportant sounds. There was definitely a painful period of hyper-awareness of all sounds and general impression of everything being too loud. The technology has greatly improved (reportedly) with the devices themselves being able to learn which sounds to dampen and which to amplify, but that is achieved only through wearing time. If the wearer removes the devices every time something is uncomfortable, the devices are not exposed to enough wearing time to learn the patterns. This was confirmed by our audiologist who determined from the programing that my spouse had only used the aids 196 minutes over 30 days. Use went downhill from there to total abandonment of the devices.

      You seem to be taking a good approach, planning your activities and environments in a way that optimizes your hearing results. One other thought, when I was doing a lot of hearing aid research, I found that many of the reviews posted on Amazon of different hearing devices/amplifiers had lots of helpful information on people’s experience with using/adjusting to the devices. That might be a source of information also, even though it isn’t interactive. Best of luck to you.

      1. Hyaline*

        I’ll add to the points on perseverance–the people I know who are partially, nearly, or actually deaf without hearing aids but found success with hearing aids committed not only to sticking with it themselves, but found audiologists who actually worked with them and helped them learn to make adjustments. The tech has come a long way in recent years, and you can do quite a bit of adjustment to your needs and preferences–but people seemed to have better outcomes when they were given more professional support. So maybe seek that out and don’t accept “here are your hearing aids good luck check back in a year” as appropriate support.

        1. Shiny Penny*

          That!
          “Here’s your new Assistive Device. Come back in a year!” is apparently often the plan? It’s a terrible plan.
          In my case, it was a CPAP machine—trying again after totally failing ten years ago (because, surprise, untreated sleep apnea has long term health consequences…). This time I knew I would need more than they were going to offer.
          This time I used my exasperation (adjusting to a CPAP sucks!) to aim a LOT of energy at being the captain of my own ship. For months, I watched a bunch of you-tubes and other internet sites, and filled a notebook with notes. I made repeated appointments with all the different healthcare providers and technicians (“see you in a year” is a doomed-to-fail approach!!!) and took notes. I bought some extra accessories I learned about on the internet, when my insurance wouldn’t pay for them.
          I had to really focus on asking everyone possible for more information and more help. The information was sometimes conflicting, lol, but usually presented as total fact. Grrr. I experimented a lot to figure out what worked for me. It’s been a world of difference, and 7 months later I feel like I’ve achieved a good functional level of mastery. My own experience, and the many you tubes I “studied,” convince me that the support The System offers is rarely sufficient to empower a patient. You’ve gotta get politely pushy to achieve success!
          Good luck. I’m pretty sure the positive end results of learning how to use The Assistive Devices is worth the time, effort, and extreme aggravation!

          1. Morning Reading*

            I had this with my cpap too! Apparently insurance (mine anyway) only covers the cost of the machine if you use it at least 4 hours a night. I was lucky to inherit a machine so didn’t need to buy one and have this constraint, and it took me months to get past 2-3 hours. Now (with some pressure adjustment) I don’t sleep without it.
            Fun stuff at bedtime! Take out the hearing aids, take off glasses, wash up, put the cpap mask on, attach hose… I’m beginning to feel like a borg. How much more tech can I add to my bodily functions before I am assimilated?

      2. Chauncy Gardener*

        Came here to say all of this! Please stick with it. My friends who gave up on the HA’s are so isolated now. And I really feel like it’s impacting their brains.
        Don’t give up! Tell us hearing folks what you need!

    7. captain5xa*

      I flunked my first hearing test in the first grade, but didn’t get a set of hearing aids (HAs) until after college for various reasons. I wear mine all day, every day.

      Yes, getting and using HAs is a chore. I’ll discuss some helps for that further down.

      You don’t say how long you’ve been wearing yours, but yes, your brain will eventually get over the “OMG! What’s that sound?!!” stage which will allow it to ignore the “buzz of noise.”

      One thing your post has led me to stress is that you must be your own advocate. CONSTANTLY. Be firm and not necessarily polite. Hearing people just don’t remember to do what helps you. Most of them are not doing this to be mean; they just don’t get it.

      Hearing well – with or without HAs – depends on: 1) distance – how close are you to me when speaking, 2) direction – are you speaking in my direction, and 3) environment – the ambient noise level, lighting, etc. People with hearing loss have a great difficulty in discerning speech sounds from noise sounds.

      TELL THEM. AS MANY TIMES AS NEEDED.

      “I can’t hear as well when another thing is making noise (TV, stereo, dishwasher, etc.) so please turn if off.” “Could you please not talk to me from another room?” “Could you please face me when talking?” “I can’t hear you as easily when you talk from across the room.” “It’s too dark in hear for me to see you speak, so would you please turn on the light?”

      There is such a thing as listening fatigue. And some days, I come home and contemplate yanking out my HAs and stomping them into dust. I don’t, but I sometimes want to.

      Do you have an audiologist or HA Fitter? I have had better luck with getting my HAs attuned to my hearing preferences by using an audiologist (they have much more schooling on hearing loss than a Fitter). You post indicates you might need some more tuning / tweaking to your HAs.

      Here is a forum for people with hearing loss: https://hearinghealthmatters.org/

      I, myself, have not learned ASL but am open to it if needed (my hearing has continued to degrade through the years). I have found learning speech reading more helpful. As long as I am facing someone when they speak, I am employing speech reading along with listening.

      As for daily helps, always use closed-captioning on your TV. There are closed-captioning apps for your phone. For example, look up Innocaption.

      Another poster mentioned bluetooth devices. One thing to do is identify WHEN you need help and look for technology that helps in that situation. A good audiologist should be able to help you with this also.

      Sometimes you just have to experiment to figure out what works. For example, in restaurants, I prefer to be seated with my back to a wall and NEVER by the kitchen. For me (and YMMV), this gives me the best listening environment.

      Also, know what to expect. If you used to sit at a table with 10 people and hear all of them, that ain’t happening anymore. Know that anytime you’re with a group of people, hearing will be more challenging (be ready to self-advocate).

      You eventually begin to think, “Oh! I have hearing loss so I should so this thing in this situation.” Or, “I need to talk to this person so I should find a quieter part of the room where I can hear better to speak with them.”

      Unfortunately, hearing loss really is the invisible “disability”. And yes, you will get tired of telling people how to best talk to you so you can hear / understand.

      1. Morning Reading*

        Thanks, I will look for these forums and try to observe and note where my hearing challenges occur. I’m sure I need adjustments and my brain needs to get better at filtering out the background noise.
        I recently listened to the ologies podcast on disability. I wouldn’t have thought of myself as a “disabled person “ or a “person with a disability” although clearly, I am one. This might be too broad a question but is there utility in identifying as “disabled?” It might be helpful to empower to ask for what one needs. I had not thought of it as “identity” in the same way as gender, orientation, and race. I’m having a think on it.

        1. kalli*

          It’s a personal thing, as to whether you take it on as part of your identity and who you are, vs a thing you have to deal with that is just something about how you interface with the world – like how some people treat a car as how they get from A to B and some people treat a car as an extension of themselves or an expression of their personality, just in your case it’s directly impacting on how you interface with the world.

          How you hear and communicate can be immensely impactful on your lifestyle and social life, but you’ve also had decades of time where you’ve established your voice, your communication style, what music you like, whether you like TV, theatre, movies, the radio etc. and having hearing aids or having to use different technology to engage with the things you like doesn’t have to change your preferences there or who you are. You are the same person whether you sit by a piano and sing with your family for music in the evening, or whether you tell your phone to send your playlist straight to your ears while you go for a run after work. It does not have to become part of your identity, or something you lean into and seek out in other people the way some people form communities around shared identities. But if you would like to do that, or you find that now you can’t stand this particular kind of music but really appreciate something else, like you used to like metal screaming and now you can appreciate house more, then taking on ‘this is how I hear’ as part of who you are may make sense.

          You also don’t have to think about it – you may find yourself organically adapting to ‘this is what I need’ without really making a decision to go ‘I have hearing loss and use this to hear’ as part of how you describe yourself.

    8. Sointosummer*

      I know you aren’t asking for medical advice, but my husband wears hearing aids and has worn them for several years. He has never bothered by background noise like you’re describing. I am wondering if they are fitted correctly and if you have a software package that you use with them if that’s been updated regularly.

    9. Samwise*

      I recommend going to your audiologist, telling them exactly what’s going on (just say what you wrote here!), and having them adjust them for you. You should not have that much trouble with them.

      If you bought them online and don’t have an audiologist, I recommend finding a good audiologist and seeing if they can help you.

    10. The OG Sleepless*

      Having spent most of the day yesterday trying to converse with people with a ridiculous amount of background noise: would you be too self-conscious to wear a pair of over-the-ear noise canceling headphones? Some of them will let conversational voices through pretty well but not allow any background noise. For example, I can wear them on a plane. I don’t hear any of the engine noise and very little of the sound of all the other people around me, but I can hear my seatmate and the flight attendant.

    11. Morning Reading*

      Thanks everyone for all the hearing loss advice!

      I plan to get a referral to an audiologist, get a new hearing test (I think it’s gotten worse in the last year), get my aids adjusted or get different ones, and look into other helpful tech like the microphone or over the ear headphones.

      I recall being told that headphones that reduced outside noise don’t work with hearing aids in, because any sound that gets through kind of ricochets around causing feedback. But, I could use them taking the aids out first, in noisy settings like on a plane.

      I’m already reasonably assertive asking for what I need (like turn down the tv) but I think my friends and I are still on the learning curve adapting. And I’ve been using closed captions for years which may be partly why I didn’t realize how deaf I was getting. I watch a lot of British tv and I’ve never been able to understand much of what they are saying without the captioning.

      The hearing aids I have now are from Costco and they do have Bluetooth (I use them often for audiobooks and podcasts), and a setting for noisy backgrounds that helps a little. I went to a concert recently, loud enough that regular people couldn’t hold a conversation without raised voices directly into the ear, and had some success turning my volume down to zero on songs I didn’t like as well (muffled but can still hear especially the bass) or 4 for ones I did like (clearer but not painful.) normal setting is 8 on scale of 0-15.

      I will stick with it. I’ve read the stuff about social isolation and dementia risk – I don’t want to become demented! – but the quiet is tempting. Taking the aids out at the end of the day is such a relief! Akin to taking off the bra but for the whole head. I love my quiet bubble; just don’t want to love it so much I can’t escape when I want to.

      1. Trixie Belden was my hero*

        Sounds like you have a good plan.
        I’ve been wearing hearing aids for over 30 years and it was a big transition when digital ones came out 15? years ago.
        I’ve compared it to that scene in the Helen Keller movie when she finally associates water with the finger spelling for water. Music sounded different, I didn’t realize that Bon Jovi had a higher pitched voice! (I adapted and still LOVE his music)
        Its a good idea to get regular hearing tests, because if your hearing changes, they can reprogram the hearing aid. Mine went wonky in June and I went to my audiologist and it turns out that I needed a software update. (That wasn’t an issue with my last pair of digital aids) Also realized that my warranty was up July 5 and they had begun not holding a charge as long as they used too. Was able to send them back to manufacturer (Phonak) to replace the lithium batteries (at least its better than the phone!) and they gave me a loaner pair (not as customized but good temporary fix) I was told that they might even send me a new pair. They are 3 years old, so I wasn’t expecting that, but am so glad.
        So if you get a new pair ask for a list of what’s under warranty and for how long. Treat it like a car or computer and learn when and how to do the maintenance. Hopefully it will save you money and aggravation.

        Good Luck!

    12. kalli*

      My dad hears everything with his hearing aids – he describes it as it’s coming through the aids so his brain thinks it’s relevant instead of filtering it out. He has finally caught up with me on using subtitles for TV, but he is a slow reader so he doesn’t like them for shows in other languages still.

      What we ended up doing was he went back to the audiologist and went a few models up, and also got a portable microphone that links to his hearing aids via bluetooth. Now what he can do is link specific sources to his hearing aids, instead of everything. His phone goes directly to his hearing aids. The microphone goes straight to his hearing aids. We can link the TV, our cd player, etc. to his hearing aids. We did try dialogue-boost on speakers and on Prime, but it wasn’t sufficient in the way that using a specific source that inadvertently also blocks environmental noise does. If he’s talking to a person IRL he will give them the microphone, or put it on the table in the middle of the group, and he’ll just get what the microphone picks up. Because it’s designed for hearing aids it’s not like a stage mic or a recording mic with the big foam end; it looks like a laser pointer or car key fob and is way more directional than your typical unidirectional condenser or cardioid mic – just a bit more powerful than a body mic or lavalier, but not enough to also pick up a car driving past or the aircon unless it’s right underneath.

      My dad also gets $1500 off hearing aids every time his hearing changes enough, so he was able to get all this for like $1k. The only other thing he uses now are bluetooth in-ear headphones if he’s at the computer and I’m doing something, because he doesn’t want to disturb me (he’s a bit of an idiot like that – I’ll go get a drink and he’ll put on my music and then put in his headphones, and I’ll go to get another drink when he’s gone to bed and the music is still on because he couldn’t hear it or remember he put it on), but he keeps asking about bluetooth over-ear headphones so he can wear them over his hearing aids instead of choosing between nanopods and being able to hear his phone.

      All this to say – it’s a thing, you probably have to get the technology to adapt, so see you audiologist! They may just adjust your hearing aids so they pick up voice frequencies, or show you how to use an app to do it yourself (some let you have multiple settings on an app on your phone and you can then switch between them yourself, so you might have a setting for conversations, for in the car, for watching tv etc. where some frequencies are a lot more prioritised than others, essentially mastering the audio the hearing aids are picking up), or they might give you a trial of a microphone, or different aids, or there are other systems as well – devices just for streaming from digital devices; amplifiers, receivers and transmitters; different styles of microphones for different purposes, everything from table mics like the ones used for conference calls with a group, to clip-on mics to lanyard mics or systems that look like you’re wearing a wire like on tv, pen mics, touchscreen mics with customisable equalizers; in-ear headphones that supplement the aids; devices that fit onto a tv or computer if it doesn’t already have bluetooth; loop devices like the ones used in theatres and cinemas…. you just really need to work with the audiologist to find a system that suits you and are compatible with your hearing aids.

      Even if you don’t go all-out now, have a look – it can be overwhelming and you might only need ‘thing I can give to my friend so their voice is amplified but not background noise’ right now, but in 10 years maybe you’ll want the TV to connect straight to your aids, and by then the technology may have evolved again, but knowing roughly what purposes it exists to help with will help you out with getting a professional to design a system that does what you need.

    13. kalli*

      For example (this is an Australian site) but this is a personal amplifier that you can set to amplify phone/tv/voices and you can link it to your hearing aids, but will also work with any bluetooth headphones: https://hearingaidaustralia.com.au/collections/personal-amplifiers/products/bellman-maxi-pro-personal-amplifier?variant=43309727547549

      It might be cheaper to buy a local equivalent through where you got your hearing aids (and also guarantees compatibility!) and the audiologist will be able to teach you how to use it.

      I should also mention that my dad is learning sign to talk to me but we both struggle with that as nobody else we know signs, and he forgets what he learns whereas my approach has been to teach myself signs I need for a particular context and eventually the ones I need a lot stick (sick, mute, drink etc.). It’s a big adjustment as well – dad keeps talking to me when my hands are full and getting abusive when I don’t respond because my hands are full, and he’ll also talk to me when I’m going to the toilet at 3am or getting a drink in between naps or on my break from work, and then get mad at me that I don’t have my device to type on, and while it’s an expression of his frustration and not deliberate, and he forgets that I am actually really patient and that (phone, room, 2 minutes) means I’m going to get something to type on to respond to him and I’m not ignoring him, and tells me I have to be more patient and polite – and I’ve been mute for ten years and he’s still regularly losing his temper because ‘it would be easier if you just talked’, ‘it’s so hard to always guess what you mean’, and ‘i can’t tell how you feel if you don’t talk’, and he can’t hear music in the car so he’ll both tell me to play my own music as he can’t hear it, but also to turn it down because he can hear it and it hurts, and not to use headphones because he gets upset if he can’t hear me or I have to modify my behaviour to accommodate him… it’s a process of learning what you can and can’t handle and when, and finding solutions that accommodate that so you can still do as much of what you can when you can, and rest your ears/brain when you can so they’re not stressed/tired when you really need to hear something and interact with hearing/speaking people who don’t get it.

  32. BellaStella*

    What’s cooking? I found an inexpensive way to make healthy chilli and made it today for lunch, and will have it also Sunday and Monday. Basically, not a recipe, but I washed red lentils and rice after soaking them for 15 minutes. Then added water, a small bouillon cube, the last half of a jar of pasta sauce, two medium tomatoes that I diced, a medium onion I diced, and a small can of corn. The pot makes enough for 3-4 meals. Mostly healthy too, tho salt is in the cube and sauce. For cost I estimate this was 6 USD total. What are you cooking this weekend?

    1. Sloanicota*

      I’m trying to focus on one vegetable at a time, alternating colors, so today’s vegetable is cucumber. It’s hot here so I’m making various versions of cucumber salad with yogurt, mint and dill.

      1. WellRed*

        I love cucumbers. I made refrigerator pickles last. I’ll be adding those to the permanent rotation.

        1. My Brain is Exploding*

          I love my MIL’s refrigerator pickles. I finally asked her for her recipe. It’s basically candied cucumbers (there’s a lot of sugar in there)!

    3. Falling Diphthong*

      For a party, I made the feta and roasted pepper dip from Spice by Ana Sortun, chef of Oleana (fancy dinner) and Sofra (casual breakfast and lunch). The dip is my favorite thing to get at Sofra.

    4. GoryDetails*

      Hot weather here (southern New Hampshire), so I dined on a sliced heirloom tomato, avocado, and mozzarella, with a drizzle of balsamic vinegar.

    5. Jay*

      I’m also making a nice chili, although mine will have meat in it and include a lot more tomatoes and small white beans.
      Then, I’m going to be making up homemade hummus for the first time.
      Fingers crossed I manage that okay :)

    6. Junior Dev (now mid level)*

      I want to make breakfast egg cups. Basically I take some leftover veggies and chop them up finely, do the same with some meat like bacon, ham or sausage, maybe steam some spinach in the microwave. Then I beat 6 eggs with milk/salt/pepper, then put some filling into 6 greased jumbo muffin tins and cover with shredded cheese and the egg mix. I’ve tried various things for baking but I think 400 degrees and starting to check if it’s done at 25 minutes works well.

    7. Girasol*

      I had to trim the basil plant so I made pesto. Not feeling like pasta, so I made a potato and egg salad with some crunchy veggies and mixed the pesto into greek yogurt to dress it. That came out fairly tasty.

    8. Christmas Carol*

      One of my three tomato plants produced a gorgeors red fruit about the size of a tennis ball much earlier than I ever expected would be possible, so it’s BLTs all weekend.

    9. M&M Mom*

      Hot here, so I am meal prepping some chicken breasts and navy bean soup in the crock pot.

    10. BikeWalkBarb*

      I made some vegan pesto today from basil I grew, using the Minimalist Baker recipe.

      I also made a batch of ranch seasoning from a recipe in the Field Roast cookbook. The recipe is for ranch potatoes, basically potatoes cooked with this particular seasoning mix. It’s not like ranch dressing; author was trying to replicate the taste of potatoes his grandma made for them on her ranch. It’s super tasty on everything from eggs to popcorn so I keep it on hand.

      Usually I’m cooking more on weekends but I’m heading out to a week at a conference so I’m trying not to create leftovers. I did recently make a batch of my family’s bran muffins, from a recipe I wrote up on my personal blog because I couldn’t find it anywhere online and it shouldn’t be lost. I’ll put a link in a reply if I can.

    11. Buni*

      I made some peanut butter & choc chip flapjack and some choc/orange/ginger cake, then texted my neighbour/friend/boss to see which one he wanted in on. Apparently my text arrived literally *seconds* after the words “Dammit, I forgot to buy cake!” left his wife’s lips…

  33. Anono-me*

    Has anyone been to a Le creuset factory to table sale? What are they like?

    I’ve been reading about them online and they sound like a fun but crowded time if you like Le creuset which I do.)

    The next one will be in Miami, which is not a good location for me, but I think that later there may be one in Chicago or another Midwest location that I could possibly do.

    1. Anon for this moment*

      I stopped at their outlet off I-95 driving down the East Coast once, and I found that they had a myriad of colors, etc. that I hadn’t seen elsewhere. Have fun if you go to the sale!

    2. “Pot”head*

      It is super fun! I just went to my first one. It was in a BIG warehouse with the goods on tables throughout the space organized by item type. Everyone lined up out front ahead of time. It was a very fun and congenial atmosphere.

      My two pieces of advice are to join Facebook groups about them to learn more in advance, and to sign up for the VIP ticket and the first time slot so you have first crack at the sale and so you can buy a mystery box. Then trade in the parking lot after! They will explain the trading but basically, you don’t know what you’ll get in the mystery box but it’s a lot of Le Creuset. So you can see if other folks got stuff you’d prefer. I think you can take the approach of trading for equal value items or trading for joy—just getting things that make you happy. People take different approaches.

      It will work best if you aren’t tied to a particular color way, or at least not a new one. The stock pots were gone almost immediately but everything else was okay.

      I really recommend going if you think this will appeal to you.

  34. Pop*

    Thank you to everyone who had suggestions a few weeks ago of things to do in Victoria with a toddler! We loved Butchart Gardens, ate at so many yummy restaurants, I had an amazing run next to the water, enjoyed the castle, and the toddler’s highlight was the peacocks and children’s farm in Beacon Hill park.

    Coming back again to see if anyone had particular recommendations or highlights for Mexico City? Fortunately no toddler this time. Hoping to go for about five days. We like walking and cultural stuff – I imagine we’ll do a street tour or two, museums, a bus to the nearby ancient site, etc. this will be both of our first times in Latin America. Thanks!

    1. Atheist Nun*

      Mexico City is wonderful–I hope you enjoy your time there! The Roma and Condesa neighborhoods are especially charming.

      The National Museum of Anthropology is a world class museum; I found it incredibly impressive and engrossing. (Note: I am the type of person who loves museums and antiquities.)

      You might want to try Culinary Backstreets’ food tour. I loved their Naples tour, and friends loved their tour of Queens in NYC. I believe their tours set a very high standard (not cheap, but worth it), so I have a good feeling about any of their offerings.

      Randomly, if you like cats, there is a cute store in Roma called Garros Galeria with various cat themed tchotchkes and some resident cats too. If you do not like cats, I have just given you a place to avoid, I guess!

    2. Bluebell Brenham*

      I went many decades ago, but still have fond memories of strolling through Chapultepec Park. The archeological museum was impressive and I also enjoyed the Palacio de Bellas Artes. In the southern part of the city, Diego Rivera Anahuacalli Museum was worth the trip- it’s in a cool stone building. Taxco is a charming colonial town, but it’s 2.5-3 hours away, so probably too much for a day trip.

    3. Raven*

      Xochimilco was SO fun! We had a mariachi band on our boat and it was the best.
      https://www.tripadvisor.com/Attraction_Review-g150800-d155971-Reviews-Floating_Gardens_of_Xochimilco-Mexico_City_Central_Mexico_and_Gulf_Coast.html

      Also, Lucha Libre was the MOST embedded cultural experience our family has had in all of our travels and we still talk about it. We are not wrestling fans but knew it is extremely popular. It was AMAZING to be in a crowd of Mexican families that were so excited, just completely losing their minds, and the showmanship was impressive if….not what we typically expect in our corner of the USA in terms of presentation/treatment of women and little people. https://www.tripadvisor.com/AttractionProductReview-g150800-d11450968-Mexican_Wrestling_Experience_Lucha_Libre_in_Mexico_City-Mexico_City_Central_Mexico.html

    4. Mephyle*

      A couple Mexico City recommendations:
      • A day on the Turibus for an overview of the historic central areas.
      • People often recommend the Anthropology Museum, but it’s huge, and you could spend over a day there (or rush through it, or only see half of it). For a short visit, I recommend as an alternative the Templo Mayor Museum on the Zócalo, which is like a best-of version that you can see thoroughly in 3 hours.
      • Some smaller specialty museums you might enjoy are the museum of traditional folk toys Museo del Juguete Popular Mexicano and/or the folk art museum Museo de Arte Popular. Or the MUTEM, museum of tequila and mezcal. This is small, takes about an hour if you look at everything carefully, and you finish with sampling tequila and mezcal in the rooftop bar. If you time it so that you’re there in the late afternoon, you can look down on the Plaza Garibaldi and watch the mariachi bands assembling as they wait for someone to hire them.
      • Xochimilco – I’ll always recommend this, because it’s where I live. Some people find it a disappointment because the pictures make it seem cleaner and neater than it really is. But it’s unique and interesting.

  35. Student loan question*

    I have ~$8,000 left on (US) federal student loans that l’ve been paying through a standard repayment plan. First baby will arrive this fall and I’m trying to figure out how much time I can afford to take off (yay for no paid leave).

    My understanding is that I am not eligible to apply for deferment because my spouse’s income keeps us above the economic hardship deferment requirement of 150% of the federal poverty rate, and l’m too far out from school to be eligible for a parental leave deferment. None of the other deferment types seem relevant to my situation.

    So my understanding is that my options would be to switch to an income-based repayment plan (which would take my spouse’s income into account since we filed taxes jointly), or to apply for forbearance. Or alternatively, keep on the standard repayment plan and return to work more quickly than l’d really like.

    Are there any other options available? (I’ve looked at my student loan servicer’s website already.)

    1. WellRed*

      You can put it into forbearance for a limited amount of time like three months. Or at least, that’s what I did in the past.

    2. Bluebell Brenham*

      I don’t have an answer for you, but would suggest you keep looking on government webpages about student loan deferment or forgiveness. Maybe I’m cynical, but it seems like your loan servicer has a vested interest in making you pay, whereas at this point, the federal government is trying (at least somewhat) to make things easier for people who have taken out student loans.

  36. Lucy*

    Has anyone bought a desktop or laptop that comes with Windows 11?

    I bought my current monitor and desktop set in 2014. The monitor seems okay, but the desktop is getting to the point where the functionality isn’t great (running slow, sometimes stops responding, some website won’t work right). I wanted to buy a new one during the school sales that are starting soon, but have read bad things about Windows 11 (which is what any new computer I buy would come with). Bad things like how there’s ads, how it tries to force you to use OneDrive, and how all the information on your computer (even documents) is sent to Microsoft.

    Now I’m anxious about getting a new computer. Is Windows 11 really that horrible?

    1. Rick Tq*

      If you accept all the defaults, pretty much yes, but it IS possible to keep things local and private. I run LibreOffice as replacements for Word and Excel without any issues.

      If you turn off Copilot and skip the OneDrive/MS365 pages you can run whatever you want, and there are how-to guides on the Internet that can help disable/remove most of the crapware Microsoft has added to the default installation. If you turn off reporting then none of your personal data is supposed to be reported.

      1. Lucy*

        I use Microsoft Word and Excel at home occasionally, so that was another concern since Microsoft Office is $249. (I’m not interested in subscriptions–was hoping I might be able to get a discount through work since I saw a 70% discount around this time last year.) I’ll look into LibreOffice! I have a lot of Word and Excel documents I wouldn’t want to lose access to, and I’d like to occasionally be able to create new documents.

        1. 653-CXK*

          LibreOffice is really good. I use their Word and Calc programs, but for ease, I prefer Excel.

        2. ronda*

          this was many years ago, but my work license allowed me to install Microsoft office on my personal home computer. ask your IT people. It did expire about a year after I was let go from that employer. But I have found google sheets and docs to work well with imported files from excel and dont have really complicated stuff for personal stuff.

          I do worry a little bit if I have a really big file for google, but I mostly dont need that.

          1. ecnaseener*

            That does mean your work would be able to access your files though — you’d have to log into your work account on your home computer to get the license to work. One of those things where they probably would never look, but they could if they suspected a breach or something.

    2. Maryn*

      I find the aspects of it that some users label “horrible” are easy fixes except for the possibility that Microsoft may harvest data, which is troubling if true. I’ve always protected sensitive documents with individual passwords, although whether that’s sufficient I don’t know.

      I’ve used AdBlock Plus, a free browser extension, for years, and I don’t see ads on Windows 11 machines at all. Every now and then–maybe every three weeks or so–Microsoft will attempt to get me to log into OneDrive, which I don’t use, but I just close it and that’s that. I’m pretty good about deleting cookies and the temporary internet files cache, so the amount of tracking done by those programs is limited, and no different than in previous iterations of Windows.

      If I were you, I wouldn’t feel terribly threatened by Windows 11.

      2. David*

        AdBlock Plus is another problematic one, actually: the company behind it started a program where advertisers can pay them to be exempt from blocking, and I think some of the ads that wound up not being blocked were of the particularly annoying or even misleading variety. uBlock Origin is a safer alternative.

    3. office hobbit*

      I have windows 11 and I somehow turned off the ads and copilot, and have been ignoring OneDrive (I see the shortcuts in Explorer but ignore them). My biggest annoyance is how the OS is trying to simplify and look more like a Mac machine, so you have to do extra clicks to get to the actual settings. I find it very unintuitive and am starting to feel like my mother, always clicking in the wrong place and then having to remind myself. That said, what else are you going to do? If you can get Windows 10, I vastly prefer it, but I’m sure it’s phasing out soon. I’m telling myself I endured Vista so I can endure 11 too. If 12 isn’t better I’ll finally figure out Linux. lol!

      1. Lucy*

        I’m looking at Dell computers (all the Dells my family/I have owned have lasted 7-10 years years with no issues until upgrading to a new system was needed). I don’t see any option to get Windows 10 instead, unfortunately.

        The last time I bought a computer, only Windows 8 was available. I feel like I end up needing a new computer at the worst times!

        I downloaded something called ClassicShell to make Windows 8 look like older versions of Windows. The most recent version is called OpenShell and is available for Windows 11. Maybe that would help keep you from clicking extra to get anywhere.

      2. peter b*

        I’ve recently begun using Rainmeter to modify my Windows desktop – it’s very modular but easy to add pieces. TaskbarX has allowed me to make a Mac-like taskbar with ease, so depending on how much you like piecing together things to make it really tailored to you, it may be worth checking out.

    4. Sloanicota*

      I have this issue with most products, honestly – I want a car that doesn’t have all the tech doodahs beeping and flashing all day while I’m trying to drive (and reporting details to my insurance through the nav features, of course), I want phones that don’t synch to everything and aren’t bloated with garbage apps that report to the government, and I want laptops that aren’t always trying to be smarter than me (while hoovering up all my data, of course). I do sometimes buy older versions of products on ebay and they legitimately are sometimes simpler and more reliable, especially if you’re willing to put research into model features. But of course that’s not practical all the time, depending on how you’re planning to use it.

      1. WellRed*

        I bought a used car last summer and told the salesman the only tech I cared about was AC and maybe a CD player.

        1. Sloanicota*

          I miss my CD player! I don’t really find it more convenient to use my phone! I have all those CDs anyway!

          1. kalli*

            No new cars here have CD players now and I cried when I had to replace mine with one that doesn’t even have a spot to install one. There may be a USB one coming in the post!!

        2. Lucy*

          The last time I was buying a car, one of my “must haves” was a CD player, lol.

          I don’t care about having a CD at this point since I don’t listen to music as much, but I wouldn’t mind roll down windows and do not want any touch screens the next time I need to get another car.

      2. Lucy*

        Yeah, I just want something simple and practical that will last a long time when I’m buying phones/computers. I do like to buy new though, because I intend on keeping them many years until they’re so old that the functionality starts being an issue.

    5. Peanut Hamper*

      I run Linux on all my machines. I only use Windows for work. Our IT department is very reluctant to upgrade to Windows 11, for security reasons. That says a lot right there.

      1. Lucy*

        I have read about switching to Linux before, but am afraid of messing up and not being able to fix it. (I have a lot of anxiety in general.)

        1. Peanut Hamper*

          Some distros are definitely for advanced users (like ArchLinux) and a some distros are aimed at beginners. If you stay off the command line, your chances of messing anything up are pretty slim. If you basically want to get on the web, write emails, watch some movies, use a word processor or a spreadsheet, something line Ubuntu right out of the box will do just fine.

        2. Anonymous Educator*

          Toughest part will be hardware support and Linux-friendly drivers for sound, graphics, printers, etc. The actual installation and use of Linux isn’t that bad, especially if you’re using Ubuntu (as opposed to Slackware, Arch, Gentoo).

        3. David*

          One nice thing about (many varieties of) Linux is that you can put it on a USB drive, start up your computer using that USB drive instead of your normal hard drive, and then you get to try it out without breaking anything on your computer. You’ll be able to open files with programs (LibreOffice, for example) like you would on Windows, but otherwise nothing you do in this “live” environment will affect your computer. I’d suggest giving that a try, and once you get a bit of experience with Linux, hopefully you can be less anxious about it.

          If you want to give this a try, search for something like “ubuntu live usb” or “try ubuntu without installing it” or similar, and you should find the official instructions. Note that Ubuntu is the most popular among many “distributions”/varieties of Linux, but you can do the same thing with other distributions. They might just look and act different; for example, Kubuntu is one that will probably seem more familiar to you, if you’re used to Windows. But they’re all more or less the same under the hood.

          You can also get a whole separate computer with Linux pre-installed, and that way you don’t have to bother with installing it at all, which is probably the most nerve-wracking part of the whole process. The tradeoff there is that you would be committing to Linux on that new computer entirely, whereas if you install Linux on a computer that already has Windows, you can keep it around, and each time you start up the computer you get to choose whether you want to use Windows or Linux. (I recently got a Linux laptop from System76, which I am very happy with, but their computers are a bit on the higher-end side. If you want something cheaper, I believe there are some major manufacturers like Dell and Lenovo that sell Linux computers, but you’d have to do some searching.)

    6. YNWA*

      I just got a laptop with Windows 11 on it. I don’t hate it as much as I expected to but I did immediately remove all the XBox stuff, copilot, Cortana, and OneDrive to start.

      1. curly sue*

        I got my new laptop on Friday – Lenovo, Windows 11 – and did the same thing. With the AI neutered and various ublock and privacy badger addins to my browsers, I’m actually finding that I like this better than windows 10 so far. I LOATHED the Win10 start menu options, and while I know 11 is trying to look like a Mac, I do actually find the start menu and the aesthetics to be more pleasing and intuitive.

        Note that Microsoft will be discontinuing support for Windows 10 fairly soon – I have a vague memory that it’s this October? – and that means anyone running Windows 10 will be more vulnerable to security exploits. It’s a good time to start planning what you’re going to do once you have to switch.

        (I wish I could switch to Linux – I’ve used Ubuntu on other machines before and really liked 95% of it – but work is tied in to Teams and other Microsoft 365 software so tightly that I can’t replicate everything).

    7. anon24*

      I bought a laptop for school last year and I specifically did not want Win11. Of course they all come with it. I ended up buying a Lenovo because they are pretty versatile with OS’s, then the first thing I did upon starting it up was create a backup/recovery disk just in case, then went onto Microsofts website and downloaded Win10. They don’t tell you that if you have a Win11 software license you also get Win10! So I was able to downgrade my computer to Win10 and haven’t had any issues with compatibility at all. It is very easy to do and you really don’t need much tech knowledge to do, just the ability to Google “how to downgrade to Windows 10” and follow the instructions. Win10 does have a shorter life as far as security, but I’m not super concerned about that right now and if I’m forced to upgrade to Win11 I’ll just go to Linux because I absolutely cannot stand it.

    8. kalli*

      Yeah, I hate it, and I haven’t found a way to turn off the connectivity stuff (my previous workaround was patched out). It has an annoying habit of updating itself in the middle of the day and I’ll come back and find it locked and all my stuff closed, but you can’t really do without it for a lot of things now – I can’t use my Debian system for online banking or the welfare agency, and they won’t accept anything under Windows 10 2022, so.

      But a lot of the ads and widgets you can disable when they pop up with an update, so it’s not a total disaster. But if I can install something instead of using the ‘web version’ I will.

  37. English-Scottish Borders*

    I will be on holiday soon first in Northumberland, then in Scotland. On a previous visit to Scotland I was not able to use English pound coins on some Scottish busses. On the websites of some Scottish bus companies I’ve also read that English coins are not accepted.
    To what extent is English currency accepted in Scotland? Are these bus companies outliers or is this practice more widespread? And can I spend Scottish pounds in England? (We have some leftover currency.)
    Thanks!

    1. Atheist Nun*

      I visited Scotland a couple months ago. I did not visit the Borders, but I did take buses in Edinburgh, Kirkcaldy (Fife), Nairn, and Elgin. All these buses allowed payment on board with a “tap and go” credit card. I helped another passenger make change on the bus from Kirkcaldy to Edinburgh, and the driver accepted British pound coins.

    2. PX*

      Technically they should be accepted in either country but you’ll often find outliers like bus drivers or small shops who refuse to take it. You’re better off just trying to use card payments where you can (at least in many large cities in England you find a lot of places are card only) or going to a post office or bank to exchange any old currency.

    3. Mhairi*

      I live in Scotland. I have never seen nor heard of anyone refusing English money here, or having it refused. And there are no “Scottish coins” or “English coins”, we all use the same ones! They don’t specify a bank on them, unlike notes. So I’m not sure what that’s about.

      I often have Scottish bank notes refused in England, however. Or they’ll take them very grudgingly and make it clear I’m unreasonable for possessing them.

      1. Lexi Vipond*

        There used to be, before they made the fancy two coloured ones – they said ‘NEMO ME IMPUNE LACESSIT’ round the edge and the Welsh ones said ‘PLEIDOL WYF I’M GWLAD’. I kind of miss that. But you could still spend them all in every UK country, a bit like Euro coins now.

    4. Ellis Bell*

      When I worked in retail (England) we didn’t accept Scottish notes, but I’ve never seen the pound coins. If the coins are really similar in weight/size and just have like a thistle on them, you should be okay. The Scottish notes were ruled out by the people at the top at TK Maxx because they looked significantly different and they came up so infrequently that staff were unable to trained to recognise the real deal from counterfeit. I’m not in the borders though, were it may be different.

    5. Cordelia*

      There aren’t “English” and “Scottish” pound coins, they are exactly the same, so I’m not sure why you had a problem before. But actually lots of bus companies in England and Scotland don’t take cash at all now, and if they do you need to have the exact change. Much much easier to use a contactless card.

    6. Bagpuss*

      As everyone else has said, coins are exactly the same UK-wide, there’s no difference between English and Scottish ones. The notes can be different, but normally it’s the other way round – English notes are accepted all over Scotland, but Scottish notes can be a battle to get accepted in England.

      The only thing I can think of is that in 2016-ish the old round pound coins were phased out UK wide and aren’t accepted now. The newer £1 coins have many sides. £1 notes also aren’t legal tender anymore. So I guess it depends just how old your leftover currency is?

      Most buses won’t give change and you need to have the exact change. And pretty much all bus services now let you tap your contactless bank or credit card to pay.

      1. Lexi Vipond*

        In theory I think you can still spend a Scottish £1 note if you can find one, but I haven’t seen one for a long time!

      2. English-Scottish Borders*

        The problem may have been an old coin. It happened to my husband in a bus in Aberdeen in 2018. The pound coin was fairly new, don’t remember exactly and can’t find it. As we didn’t have any currency when we arrived in the UK, someone must have given it to us.
        When I saw that some busses only accept exact change and no English currency I assumed the problem in 2018 was an English coin.
        Thanks for clearing it up.

        1. Bagpuss*

          Some bus drivers can be really grumpy sods if you don’t know the exact right way to do things (and the exact right way changes depending on which bus company it is). The ones in big tourist areas tend to be more patient, but it could really have been anything.

          This is not relevant at all to your question, but I’m so curious about what Scottish bus company says they won’t accept English currency! I can see them saying they won’t accept English concessionary or entitlement cards, and if it’s the sort of bus that gives change I can see why they wouldn’t accept large notes either Scottish or English if they don’t have enough change for it (back in the day when I was getting rural buses I remember dredging for coins in the bottom of my bag when the bus was fresh from the depot and didn’t have any change yet)… but I can’t get my head round why they wouldn’t accept the equivalent English note if they’d accept a Scottish one

  38. Moving sadness*

    I know it’s not abnormal, but I’m feeling really sad after moving. I used to live in Baltimore pre-pandemic times, loved it, moved away, and came back to this area after a few years. I ended up moving to DC. It might be some of my bias, but the vibes are so different in DC. It feels so much more focused on who you know and what you do. It wasn’t like I thought it would be. I won’t be able to move to Baltimore for at least the next few years until we find other jobs.

    I just feel like I’ve made a huge mistake! It’s month 2 and it’s hot and I’m miserable and all I can focus on is that I want to go “home”, but I knew I where I used to live wasn’t where I wanted to be either.

    I’ve seen a few people post about moving and transitions in the thread before, wondering if anyone is or has felt similar and would like to do some check ins?

    Today I’m trying to do one thing that might bring me joy that isn’t related to unpacking or shopping for house things. I’m going to go see Thelma since it’s so hot!

    1. Sloanicota*

      DC and Baltimore are culturally really different, so I don’t think you’re wrong about that! One good thing is that (as you know) they’re really close together, and the train is good between them. You can spend most of your weekends back in the old neighborhood if that makes you happy! You can probably make friends happy to let you stay with them overnight too. And to be fair, July/August is probably the **worst** time in the whole year here, and this is an unusually bad year – I swear it won’t always be this miserable (and it’s probably pretty similar weather in Baltimore right?).

      1. Moving sadness*

        Ok that makes me feel better that I’m not making it up on it feeling different! The bummer thing is that most of my friends that used to live in Baltimore have moved away :( it feels a little strange to try and make friends there if I don’t live there, but like…that’s not that weird I hope. Whew. I feel like I have summer seasonal depression, so I’ll be excited for the fall!

        1. Sloanicota*

          What I’d say about DC is, it’s very friendly to new people because there are so many transients coming and going with Federal jobs. So there are pretty established ways to meet people that aren’t as big in other towns – meetup is still a thing here, there’s a Welcome to DC facebook group, a lot of social sports teams and activities – and most people are pretty friendly (IME) since even long term residents need to make new friends fairly often.

        2. fhqwhgads*

          They’re definitely very different, and it’s not a since-pandemic change. Totally different vibes.

      1. Moving sadness*

        You’re right! I think I’ll let myself just chill, literally and figuratively.

    3. holly*

      I feel you. packing to move 3000 miles to a city I don’t want to live in, to an apt I don’t like for a job that seems like a very toxic environment. (only job I was offered after a year of unemployment. being a 60’s woman in tech is brutal).
      So, internet hugs.

    4. Jay*

      When I was a younger, fitter man, I moved around a lot for many years.
      My go-to strategy was to walk.
      Just walk.
      Pick a direction and go.
      Stop anyplace that looked interesting, find odd, out of the way shops that would merit future exploration, learn where the restaurants I would want to try out were located, figure out where the more “single person walking around” friendly parks were.
      That was always how I found the places I became a “regular” at.
      And those were the places that I met my future friends at.
      And that was how I put down roots and learned to love my new community.
      If that’s not something you are comfortable with/capable of/interested in, replacing “walk” with “drive” or “public transport” would work just as well.

    5. Unkempt Flatware*

      Nothing abnormal about it. Every time I move I miss the feeling of home. It takes so long to feel like I’m home again when I move. I rely on nostalgia and good food to get me through.

    6. Bluebell Brenham*

      Let us know what you think of Thelma! I saw June Squibb on the Kimmel show and she was great.

    7. Anon for this moment*

      Spent a summer in DC and really did not like the vibe — yeah, it’s not your imagination. I like the advice to hit up your old neighborhood as much as you need while you’re stuck in DC for a bit.

    8. Frankie Bergstein*

      DC has a lot of different types of communities, some not very focused on what you do for work but perhaps on a shared activity, like running or mutual aid. That’s helped me a lot! I wonder if finding a community that fits you better than a work-focused one could help

    9. Camelid coordinator*

      Oh, I am with you! For most of a month now every day I am either unpacking or dealing with medical stuff. I have tried to find fun things to do to break it up and explore my new area (last week’s highlight was a NewCity Bird Boat Tour on the river.)

      I just went away for two nights to support some friends, one half of the couple has been in the hospital for almost two weeks, and it was really great to get away and see familiar faces. I recommend it (without the hospital part) if you can.

    10. Morning Reading*

      What I recall about DC vs. Philly (I don’t know Baltimore but assume it is similar) is that everyone in DC is from somewhere else, and everyone in Philly is from there. of course not universally true, but, it can mean that it is easier to break into a new group in DC because most people are also newish, looking for friends and connections. So if you havent found your spot yet, your prospects are good. It can take longer in places everyone has known everyone forever.
      And yes it’s hot (most) everywhere.
      I suggest doing things that will make you feel more at home, at home, in the meantime. Art on the walls that you’ve always had up, old fav music on the hi fi, comfort foods, visits to old neighborhood as needed, or import an old friend for a vaca at your place. (DC attractive vacation destination for Americans who don’t live there.)

    11. BikeWalkBarb*

      I’m leaving today for a week in Baltimore: a conference followed by a weekend to be a tourist. What would you do if you could be back for a weekend? Asking selfishly if you feel like answering, but really as a bridge to thinking about what’s similar to that so you could seek it out where you are now.

      Favorite ice cream shop? Start a list of ones convenient for you and check them out to decide your new favorite. Bookstore? Ditto. Park? You get the idea. Take your map of home and create a DC overlay with the same kinds of landmarks. Maybe that will help with the transitions.

      I lived for a long time in one city in several neighborhoods. My favorite location was when I lived within easy walking distance of a really great bakery with sidewalks the whole way and a large park to enjoy. I went 8 years without having that due to professional moves, then managed to recreate that exact scenario with a house I bought in a new town 3-1/2 years ago. That made me feel settled in early, hence the suggestion to look for a new version of the things that meant home to you.

    12. ampersand*

      This seems normal, albeit uncomfortable and hard to deal with! I remember DC being uncomfortably hot and humid when I visited during the summer–I was there for the fourth of July years ago, and what still stands out in my mind isn’t the fireworks and general celebratory atmosphere, but the heat. Undoubtedly the weather is impacting how you feel right now.

      I moved from a city I’d been in and loved for 25 years to a new city earlier this year–it just takes time to get adjusted and not feel like you’re just visiting (or have made a mistake!). I told myself it would take at least a year to feel settled. It’s not unlike starting a new job where it can take longer than you’d think to feel like you have your bearings. Five months in, I’m feeling better about having moved. There were definitely times in the first couple of months where I thought I’d made a mistake.

      One of the reasons I moved is that home was no longer feeling like home, friends had moved away, the city had changed, etc. It was time for me to make a change; the place I loved no longer existed. It’s okay to grieve missing home and to let yourself feel sad about it. I’d say give it some time and be patient with yourself, and if you really want to move back to Baltimore in a couple of years, do it.

    13. Phlox*

      DC is my second home – I moved back to my hometown for many good reasons in 2022 and when I was in DC for a decade, i couldn’t imagine living there forever, but darn that place has my heart in so many ways so I’m with you on the moving sads. I’m going back for a visit to second home in May (work conference) and Im going to have all the feelings on that plane flight.

  39. My Brain is Exploding*

    Following the question about wedding invitations declaring colors attendees should wear…what about funerals? There have been several around here that have specified people should wear clothes for the decedent’s favorite sports team, or their favorite color, etc.

    1. WellRed*

      I think that’s more understandable as it’s honoring the deceased, rather than trying to be part of some perfect theme day. But while I might make more effort in this case, I won’t go out of my way to buy something. The dead don’t care.

    2. Sloanicota*

      I appreciate that some people just don’t want the classic mourning black/dark navy for their event (whether that doesn’t feel right for the person planning it or whether it was a request of the decedent) and I’m happy to wear other colors if requested. If they specify some specific color I’d go with a “flair” item, not a whole new outfit, but I’d try to respond to the request. If they say “all attendees are requested to wear head to toe pepto bismal pink” I might find that I need to be else where that day but I’ll send some (pink) flowers or something.

    3. Falling Diphthong*

      In the US, I would interpret that as “optional as a choice other than quiet suit or conservative dark dress.” It’s a reminder of the deceased (“She loved this dress on me!”) rather than an imperative to go buy a yellow jersey honoring the Celtics.

      In parts of West Africa, everyone wearing a brand new matching outfit to the funeral is very much a thing, and there’s some underlying “redistribution of assets to the community” aspects.

    4. Hyaline*

      I wouldn’t mind if it was “you’re welcome to wear orange and purple, the team colors of Bob’s favorite curling team, the Fungus Monsters” but if it was implied it was required…ooof. It’s kind of presumptuous and gross to put one more requirement on grieving people trying to attend a funeral. If it’s giving people a simple outlet to honor the deceased, while still letting people show up in a basic black dress they already had, I think it’s quite lovely.

    5. Kathenus*

      I actually just had this happen, at a funeral for a relative who was a huge fan of a particular college. Her kids had something like ‘feel free to wear x color’ as part of the announcement, and all knew it was not a requirement or anything, but many had it as part of their outfits or accessories. It actually was really appropriate in this case, I thought it went over and was received very well.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        My gran was a member of the red hat society and her funeral instructions (that she wrote in advance, so this was truly her wishes) were that people were encouraged to wear bright colors, especially red, and discouraged from wearing all black.

    6. RagingADHD*

      I think too many people take social invitations / announcements as an opportunity to look for offense (on both sides).

      If the hosts literally care more about the color you wear than your presence, you’re better off without them because that is ludicrous.

      If an invitee cares more about refusing to wear a color, or about “you can’t tell me what to do” than about attending a milestone, then the hosts are better off without them because that is also ludicrous.

      Reasonable guests will make some attempt to get into the spirit of an event, within whatever practical constraints they may have, because a special occasion is as special as you make it. Reasonable hosts just want everyone to show up and have a good (or meaningful) time, and intend the color theme as a fun bonus.

      Unreasonable hosts or guests wind up with crappy relationships.

    7. Angstrom*

      Since I was a teen I thought it odd that a “celebration of the life of X” had everyone turn out in somber clothes.
      I am not a somber person.
      My last wishes include a request– but not requirement– that guests wear garish ties or frivolous hats and sensible shoes. That would be a nice way to honor my memory.

      1. Desk Dragon*

        At the celebration of life for one of my uncles, the request was “Hawaiian shirts if you have one, casual clothes in bright colors if you don’t,” as Hawaii was his favorite vacation spot.

    8. Irish Teacher.*

      That seems odd to me, especially since (at least in Ireland), you don’t invite people to funerals. They are announced on rip.ie and people just show up. I guess you could specifically ask your undertaker to include a request like that on the death notice, but…I think it would be odd, especially as funerals aren’t all day affairs like weddings. A lot of people take a couple of hours off work for them and are returning to work afterwards.

      I could see the family and close friends doing something like that or if say it was a teenager, their classmates forming a guard of honour dressed in the sport team’s clothes, but requesting anybody who decides to attend the funeral do so seems a bit odd. When our school’s secretary died, the school did suggest that any students who wanted to attend do so in school uniform, but that was more so the family would know they were students of the school and see how much she meant to our students; the school was closed for the day, so any students that chose to attend did so rather than take an unexpected day off.

      1. Lexi Vipond*

        I’ve seen ‘please wear bright colours’ occasionally in the official notices here, and a bit more often in emails going out to groups I’m a member of, or facebook posts. Not a specific colour that I can remember.

        That has never bothered me – even someone who wears mostly black probably has a colourful top, and it’s not like you’re going to be turned away if you come from work in dark blue.

    9. ecnaseener*

      Totally different IMO. A wedding is a party you’re choosing to throw and inviting people to so they can celebrate with you — not so they can act as set-dressing. The couple are the focal point of the event, sure, but they’re not of paramount importance the way the deceased is at a funeral. Yes yes “funerals are for the living,” but if the deceased was repulsed by the idea of everyone wearing all black to their funeral, it’s absolutely the correct thing to do to communicate their wishes in the funeral announcement.

    10. BikeWalkBarb*

      When one of my brothers died we held a memorial service after some time had passed. He loved aloha shirts so the invitation said that people were welcome to wear those in his memory. Absolutely did not “require” grown-ups to put on a costume to show their love for him.

      The room was so cheerful with all those flowered shirts. I wore a flowered dress.

      For a super-casual guy he had a big collection of ties, which he might wear with a T-shirt to be funny. When my sister-in-law resumed their traditional annual holiday party for friends she did a tie giveaway so everyone got to take something to remember him if they wanted to. Loved that.

  40. Scientist*

    I have a new baby and am reading a lot of ebooks during the hours of 24/7 nursing! I’d love some recommendations. I’m looking for well-written page turner books that will hold my attention while nursing at three am :) Family dramas, thrillers, rom coms, travel adventures (nothing with babies or small children who have terrible things happen to them please! But murder mysteries with grownups that aren’t too graphic or dark are okay!) I’m not a big fantasy or sci fi person. Bonus if they’re not something super new so I can maybe get it on Libby without waiting for it on hold.

    1. Sloanicota*

      FWIW (and you probably know this) mysteries in which nothing too dark happens are often referred to as “cozy mysteries,” in case that helps you find reccs you like. Some are very light (cat in a small town solves crimes) type stories, but others in the genre will still be serious, just not violent or gory. The thriller genre has sort of got away from me lately, they are a bit darker these days than what I’m looking for so I go to a cozy/literary mystery space now.

    2. holly*

      Kathy Reichs? Only because of your user name: I remember reading one of her books during the endless baby months and realizing: I just read 3 pages of *science*! I’d missed science in the baby-times.

    3. Falling Diphthong*

      Congratulations on the new baby!

      The Appeal by Hallett is a really good novel that will turn into a murder mystery (they are in a quaint English village, so this is in the story dna) but takes quite a while for the body to drop. Part of the fun is guessing who will be offed, followed by By Whom? and Why? and Who Else Knows?

      Rom coms: Two by Emily Henry, Book Lovers and Funny Story, simultaneously embrace and upturn the tropes of the genre.

      I’m a big fan of the Meg Langslow bird mysteries by Donna Andrews. Her much shorter AI set (starts with You’ve Got Murder) is also quite good, and unique.

      1. Scientist*

        Well I really liked The Appeal (and her other books) and those by Emily Henry, so I’ll definitely check out the stuff by Donna Andrews! Thanks!

    4. Spacewoman Spiff*

      Have you read Anthony Horowitz? I think many of his books would fit the bill, especially Magpie Murders. Engrossing mysteries, well written, and while there are murders they’re not described in such gory detail.

        1. Spacewoman Spiff*

          Drat! I mean, I’m glad you’ve already read them all because they’re so good. :) Have you read any of Elly Griffith’s mysteries? I loved her Ruth Galloway series (and I think there are 15 or so books in it, so a plus if you end up liking them). A forensic archaeologist who gets teamed up with the local police to help investigate cold cases. Sometimes they get a little goofy, like would she REALLY be involved in SO MANY mysteries?!, but they’re a lot of fun.

    6. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      Not a book recommendation but I took up Spanish on Duolingo while nursing and I really liked that as an activity.

    7. A Person*

      I listened to a lot of Amelia Peabody books when my oldest was a baby. They’re about a female Victorian Egyptologist solving mysteries. I found them to be a good level of light and engaging for my sleep-deprived brain.

    8. Bluebell Brenham*

      Diane Mott Davidson’s Goldy Schulz mysteries all center on cooking and are fun. The Tiki Goddess Mystery series by Jill Marie Landis is another I liked- pretty goofy but I liked the setting a lot. I also liked Susan Conant’s Dog Lover Mysteries. None of these are new, so should be easy to find. In non- mysteries, I loved the Crazy Rich Asians trilogy- definitely falls under page turners, though there are very entertaining footnotes included.

    9. Retired Vulcan Raises 1 Grey Eyebrow*

      “The London Cosy Mysteries” by Rachel McLean & Millie Ravensworth, 5 books so far.
      They contain only cosy murders and there are cats, London buses and engaging main characters.

      1. Retired Vulcan Raises 1 Grey Eyebrow*

        Free if you have Amazon Kindle Unlimited, which I recommend if you plan to read a lot.

    10. Pam Adams*

      for classic, readable mysteries. I recommend the Nero Wolfe mysteries by Rex Stout.

    12. noname today*

      Medieval mystery series by Ann Swinfen (Oxford historical mysteries written with an eye to the science of the time and everyday life—first one is called “the Booksellers Tale,” second is called “the novice’s tale” third one called “the merchant’s tale.”

      Also recommend the The Rivers of London series by Ben Aaronovitch (he used to write for Dr Who)—very fun alternate reality of London where Magic is another field of science and the Fey are around you if you know where to look.

    13. Anonymous cat*

      Kristin Hannah has several big bestsellers that feature family drama.

      Also Alison has yearly round-ups of the books she recommends and she likes multigenerational stories. You might find good ideas on those.

    14. Fellow Traveller*

      Congrats! Some books that I couldn’t put down:
      Bad Blood, about Elizabeth Holmes. It’s old news now, but absolutely bonkers and I was hooked.
      Happy And You Know It (Maybe it’s little too close to home? It’s about a new mom’s group that goes off the rails- it’s pretty funny, actually.)
      Ten Things That Never Happened by Alexis Hall
      My Lady Jane – I think there’s a new tv series based on this book – it’s a retelling of the story of Lady Jane Grey. Such a fun book.
      Fencing with the King
      My Sister the Serial Killer
      Slay – a YA novel about a Black teenager who develops a video game just for Black people and the repercussions
      Unwind – also YA. Though it’s about teenagers in a dystopian universe, so bad things do happen to them…
      The Change
      An Elderly Lady is Up to No Good.
      I couldn’t put down Gone Girl, but I also hated that book intensely…
      I also like the Russ Van Alstyne/Clare Fergusson mysteries by Julia Spencer Fleming, though the first book involves an abandoned baby. (The baby survives).
      And then always – Agatha Christie for mysteries, or Sarah McLean for historical romances.

    15. Jill Swinburne*

      I am really enjoying Julie Caplin’s Romantic Escapes series. Very light romances but well-written for the genre and they have a very strong sense of place. Nice escapism and easy to read. If you like cosy mysteries the Agatha Raisin series is good fun too. Jilly Cooper is entertaining too if you don’t mind hilariously-described graphic sex.

    16. The OG Sleepless*

      When I was in that stage many years ago, I read The Pillars of the Earth. I thought I was going to have to tap out of it early on because something bad does seem to be about to happen to a baby, but it ended up ok. It was a long, interesting story that kept my attention for several days.

    17. Retired Accountant*

      I liked First Lie Wins by Ashley Elston. Fast moving con artist/caper/thriller -ish plot. Good on audio.

    18. redbecca*

      Contragulations! For fairly cozy mysteries I love Carola Dunn’s Daisy Dalrymple series, second whoever said Elizabeth Peter’s Amelia Peabody books, Donna Andrews’ Meg Langslow series, also Richard Osman’s Thursday Murder Club books and Alan Bradley’s Flavia de Luce series. For slightly older books, I liked Yasmin Galenorn’s Chintz and China series, Charlaine Harris’ Aurora Teagarden series, Ellen Byerrum’s Crime of Fashion series, Julie Hyzy’s White House Chef books, Janet Evanovich’s Stephanie Plum books, and Lauren Haney’s Ancient Egypt mysteries, and of course Dorothy Sayer’s Lord Peter Whimsey books are classics.

    19. Lemon Chiffon*

      If you are up for romance, I love Courtney Milan and Sherry Thomas for 2 AM binge reads.

      Fiction: Miss Buncle’s Book by D. E. Stevenson is a hoot and might be on Libby. It’s written and set in 1930s England in a small village where a woman writes a book about her neighbors, it gets published, and shenanigans ensue.

    20. Still married*

      The Enola Holmes books – imagining Sherlock had a younger sister – are quite fun, easy to read and are not quite murder mysteries

    21. Alyn*

      For slice of life/family stories, I love Heather Webber – Midnight at the Blackbird Cafe; At the Coffee Shop of Curiosities; The Lights of Sugarberry Cove; and In the Middle of Hickory Lane. The books have a very slight fantastical element to them (Magical Realism, if you’re familiar with the genre) but it’s not the main focus of the story. e.g. Midnight at the Blackbird Cafe the fantastical element is that the pies the cafe sells allow someone who eats them to dream of a loved one who’s passed on. But the focus is on two families, their past and present, and adult children trying to find their own way.

    22. Danish.*

      This feels like a silly rec, along the lines of recommending Disney movies when you ask for cartoon recs, but I find Agatha Christie novels to be page turners! She’s so good at character work that I want to hear all her dialogue, and the mystery is usually one good twist. The stories that feature Tommy and Tuppance are some of my favs, especially The Secret Adversary.

  41. Unemployed*

    Would you recommend dating while unemployed? I’m a straight female, if that matters. I found myself unexpectedly unemployed this year. I’m 32 years old and my last relationship ended before the pandemic. Focusing on dating seems to make sense now since I have the time, but idk if it looks good. I’m actively looking for a job, but anyone who is on this site probably understands what the job market is right now.

    1. Generic Name*

      As someone who recently-ish was dating, I personally would not choose to date someone unemployed. But that’s me as a middle-aged woman who owns a house and makes six-figures plus and is interested in men. I’m not interested in “hobo-sexual” guys (aka freeloaders). Also, how are you envisioning the financial aspect of dating would play out? Are you hoping/expecting people you date will foot the bill because you don’t have the funds? I apologize that all of this likely sounds terribly judgmental. Unfortunately, when dating a new person, they know zero about you, and “unemployed” is not a mark in the plus column for someone meeting you for the first time. I’m sure you are a wonderful and caring person, but it takes time to get to see those qualities in people, and it will be hard for many people to overlook your current situation.

      1. Rosemary*

        Ouch. I think there is a huge difference between a “hobo-sexual” and someone who is temporarily unemployed die to a layoff and actively looking for a job.

    2. Sloanicota*

      I’m sad to say that I don’t think it would hold a straight woman back in the same ways it might (might! Maybe not!) be a factor for a straight man. I was dating while under-employed and not happy with what I was doing; it was a bit weird to be budget-conscious on dates and a bit of a turnoff for people who wanted to do more spendy options, but we worked through it. I think it matters if you seem depressed and defeated vs motivated and optimistic about the journey you’re on; most people are looking to date reasonably happy people. The person I started dating for a while was very career oriented and I do think it bugged them that I seemed a bit aimless at the time, but that was going to be an issue for us one or another anyway.

    3. RagingADHD*

      Sure, why not? It’s not a disease.

      If someone doesn’t want to date you because you’re between jobs, it’s no loss. There are plenty of people who wouldn’t care, or who would just move slow and get to know you better to figure out whether it’s a temporary setback or a chronic problem.

      Which, IMO, is a good general approach to dating anyway – not to overcommit until you have time to see the person in various circumstances.

    4. Hyaline*

      I feel like a lot of this depends on how you feel about you, if that makes sense. If you’re viewing your current unemployment as a blip, one of those things that just happens, and you’re feeling positive about your prospects, and it hasn’t hit you in a really negative way (making you lose self-confidence, second-guess your worth or value) or even in a neutral or positive but very deep way (making you re-evaluate your identity and sense of self and What Is Life and etc) then I think dating is probably fine! But if this did hit you hard or even just deep…idk, I wouldn’t add dating into the mix, personally. Seems like a time to focus on yourself without the perils of dating or the problems of starting a relationship with someone when you’re feeling not quite sure about who YOU are at the moment.

      As for what other people would think–I think that’s less important than where you are, personally, but someone who would view an otherwise normal human with suspicion or judgment because they’re between jobs is probably someone you can feel pretty comfortable letting weed themselves out of your dating pool.

    5. Jay*

      I’m a middle aged, strait male.
      I can honestly say that I have dated unemployed/underemployed women in the past and it’s not been a problem for me, and that this is not an uncommon attitude for men of my generation.
      At just short of 50, I’m old enough to have had enough exposure to single earner families that an unemployed woman is not a particularly serious red flag.
      Younger generations may have more expectation of constant employment.
      That said, you might want to watch out for guys who think “unemployed” means “looking to be ‘kept'”. These are generally not very nice people. Like, “the boss who tried to steal his employees’ kidneys” kind of not nice.
      You might also want to be wary of guys looking for “traditional” women. Read “submissive and obedient” :( I have a female friend who ran into a whole parcel of them while taking a well deserved and desperately needed years’ break after a couple of high stress, highly isolating, high reward jobs. It was enough for her to swear off dating for a couple of months.

    6. Ellis Bell*

      My partner was unemployed when we first started dating; he said it was an issue for some women, not all. I’m not sure that men care at all. It’s not like you’re going to get a mortgage together the week after meeting! We did that a couple of years later. I do think financial stability is important, and I was actually impressed by how his savings allowed him to get through a rough patch and I thought he had a healthy approach to not allowing work to define him, honestly. Someone up thread asked how paying for dates worked, and he tried to pay for everything initially until I told him to knock it off on the third date and started going halves. Although, if he was watching his outgoings I would have had zero problem with low cost or no cost dates. I think if it really, really matters to someone and periods of unemployment would stress them out, then you would need a recession proof industry in order for them to have your back long term. My partner earns about twice as much as I do, but his industry is not as stable as mine so someone who balked at unemployment and uncertainty wouldn’t have been a good fit.

  42. Anonymous cat*

    A question for the readers in England!
    I don’t closely follow the news about British royalty but I see the headlines and summaries of course and wondered about something.

    When Kate Middleton had to make the video explaining she had cancer, they did the usual “please give us privacy “ request that usually gets ignored.

    Did the press in England back off this time or did they keep looking for news?
    I know gossip is big business but she’s staying home because she has cancer and is probably worried about her children, which is what usually happens, so I wondered if they got bored and ignored her?

    (I did try to google this but got a lot of hits for her video speech.)

    1. NeonFireworks*

      I’d say they gave her some space. A few of the more relentless publications/journalists/’journalists’ were still speculating afterward but as far as I can tell anyway it dropped off. The press were getting far too compulsive and noisy about the “Where is Kate?!” thing and it was distasteful for so many reasons. They were approaching conspiracy theory land, it was obvious that Kate was probably seriously ill or injured or something and needed to be left alone rather than hounded relentlessly, and worst of all we’ve apparently learned very little from what happened to Diana.

    2. RMNPgirl*

      As someone who followed all of this closely, Kensington Palace screwed up big time which is why the “hounding” kind of started. First of all, the timelines that were being given made no sense and goalposts kept being moved back. Secondly, the King who also had cancer and was getting treated was seen out and about. Thirdly, Will and Kate have gained a reputation of not really wanting to work so the fact that Will was also hardly doing anything after a few months made people question what was going on. Fourth, they released an insanely edited photo for Mother’s Day which was really what blew everything open. The PR from the palace was an absolute disaster. Actually some of the articles that focused more on that were very interesting because professional PR people were talking about how badly the palace was screwing things up. Once the video came out then things did quiet down quite a bit.
      I will say that after she showed up at Trooping looking fairly healthy, there were renewed questions about why she hasn’t at the least been doing some zoom calls with her various patronages.

      1. Snoozing not schmoozing*

        There are many kinds of cancer, and some are a fairly simple blip in life and others take longer, more severe treatments, so comparing one person’s cancer to another’s (without even knowing the details of either) is ridiculous. I actually looked better than usual when I had cancer, so speculating on how you think someone should look is both ridiculous and offensive.

        1. Andromeda*

          I do remember the edited photo being a baffling choice in particular, but yeah if people are gonna say “but X LOOKED fine at this event” that’s really a them problem. Like what, are people not gonna believe she’s ill enough?

        2. fhqwhgads*

          And from my experience there’s also the cancer where you look exactly like your normal self because by the time you’re diagnosed it’s WAY too late. So I’m always perplexed at some folks who are like “so and so doesn’t look sick”. Yeah, if everyone looked sick they’d catch it a lot earlier.

  43. Filthy Vulgar Mercenary*

    Advice for supporting someone with a new cancer diagnosis from a (physical) distance?

    My family member just received a surprise stage 4 cancer diagnosis after a sudden hospitalization. Cancer has touched or taken so many others in the family so the attitude is ‘this isn’t my first rodeo so I have a sense of purpose and direction’ but also ‘f*** I know how hard this will be’ and stage 4 is, well, not good.

    We don’t live close by, so while we will be traveling to see them, we won’t be seeing them regularly, so was looking for things to do from a distance.

    I know support in and complain out (ring theory) and the difference between providing comfort (make you feel better) and support (help to bear the burden). No platitudes and we are pretty straightforward about feelings and needs.

    Any advice on how to support them from a distance? Their spouse is going to be their primary caregiver and is a cancer survivor themselves.

    Thank you.

    1. Hyaline*

      If they need mundane junk like housekeeping, lawn care, grocery delivery, can you take arranging for that off their plate? Sometimes just making those calls feels like too much. If they would appreciate it, set up meal trains for them!

    2. Ginger Cat Lady*

      Honestly, just keep checking in with them, maybe some video calls. When my surgery results came back good and I didn’t need chemo or radiation, everyone just forgot about me after about 2 weeks. I wasn’t even healthy enough to drive and all support just dried up! It was so discouraging. Meanwhile I couldn’t lift more than 5 pounds for 12 weeks, and then once I could, I needed to rebuild strength before I was back to normal!
      Talk about other stuff besides cancer. Ask about what shows or movies they’ve watched, books they’ve read, etc. They still have/want a life outside of their cancer diagnosis.
      If you can, especially if they’re in the US, give cash. Cancer often bankrupts families. Yes, even with insurance.
      Don’t push your MLM crap at them, or whatever new diet, supplement, medication, or quackery you think they should try. Trust that they’re making the right decisions *for them* even if they are not what you would choose for you.
      Be comfortable with hard talk. Let them talk about discouragement without pep talks. Let them talk about their fears without telling them to just be positive. Be willing to hear what they need to talk about. Don’t tell them to “fight harder” or anything like that. Listen more than you talk in these conversations.
      Other suggestions for people who are close enough to help/visit:
      Wear as mask around them, for goodness sake! Do not let your politics mean they get sick during cancer treatment. It was incredibly discouraging how many of my friends and family would come to see me and rant at me about how they “weren’t wearing no face diaper!”
      If you do come to visit, schedule it ahead of time, don’t drop by. Be of practical help, and pay attention to the needs of the person you’re visiting. If they’re tired, or in pain, keep it short. Definitely do not criticize the state of the home while you’re there. Yes, my kitchen counters were covered with stuff. But it wasn’t “clutter” – it was my medications, my bandage changing supplies, etc. Yes, the living room was a mess, because I couldn’t do stairs yet and I had basically moved in there. It was all a *temporary* setup, and you don’t need to tell me it’s a cluttered mess.

    3. Girasol*

      When my husband got cancer our friend loaned us her collection of audiobooks and an audiobook player. That turned out to be a big source of comfort. He couldn’t sleep so he’d play audiobooks in bed.

    4. Anonymous cat*

      A while back I realized that I can just ask the person if they want to talk about the situation or if they want us to talk about something else entirely.

      I thought I had to ask about the illness or it would seem like I was ignoring them. Then I realized they get so tired of talking about it and might like a completely different topic.

      So now I just ask and follow whatever they say. And maybe even suggest alternate topics, like I just saw a cool show about ABC or I’m thinking of taking a night class in DEF, do you want to hear about either?
      So far, they usually pick the new topic.

    5. Once too Often*

      Some thoughts:

      – comfort items: soft shawl or cardigan or hat for hospital/doc offices which are generally cold for patients even in the summer; soft washable slippers (with non skid soles), fave hand cream in small sizes to carry/have in hospital; phone stand or air pods
      – frequent cards
      – favorite snacks, drinks
      – calls to chat
      – research financial support options; there are places that help with car & mortgage payments, maybe insurance payments, child care, etc. Some are by State, some by organization. What are the requirements, can you help with filling out forms, etc. ? Cancer is so expensive.
      – research insurance options; eg NY State has a program for patients with one of ~5 cancers that puts you on Medicaid, saving you from copays. Find out if the preferred provider participates in that coverage.
      – Help with tracking medical options & decisions, set up filing system for the endless paperwork.
      – does the treatment center have or know of granting sources? If so find out how to apply & what the turn around time generally is.
      – Be available to help talk thru options & ramifications if that’s a fit for you. Think about offering to be an extra set of ears for appts; that was a huge help to me in the face of overwhelming info. I always had someone with me, in person or via FaceTime.
      – glass nail file & good clippers if chemo is involved. Glass files are much better as nails begin to shred.

      Anything that makes home life easier
      – cleaning service
      – movie/theatre tix
      – restaurant/delivery coupons
      – life admin stuff in place? Health care proxy, etc?
      – help coordinate child care if appropriate
      – check on the rest of the family, too
      – if kids, take them out for a day/afternoon of normalcy; babysit to give the adult/s time for a massage, to do paperwork, etc.
      – coordinate family phone tree for updates

      You
      Find friends to talk with about your own fears & sorrow, so you have that support before you visit.

      I’m sorry your family has been thru so much with cancer. Be kind to yourselves. Sending good vibes for all of you.

      1. Filthy Vulgar Mercenary*

        Thank you for this really thoughtful thorough comment. It sounds like you know from personal experience and I’m sorry for that. Fuck cancer.

    6. ronda*

      my sister did this for a co-worker & I followed her example when my co worker was out for treatment.

      mailed weekly cards , had other co-workers sign too. mostly people signed with a get well message, but I usually put a short movie or restaurant or tv show review. She did send back feedback that I had made her laugh, which was my hope. :).

  44. SuprisinglyADHD*

    Content Warning: Gross
    I’m recovering from some kind of respiratory thing, and I have a problem I’ve never had before: a tickle in my throat makes me cough more and more violently till I vomit. I’m already doing all the home remedies to soothe sore throats and coughing, but does anyone have a method to stop a coughing fit once it starts?
    Sorry if this is too close to medical advice, please remove it if it is.

    1. WellRed*

      Blow your nose. Lots of water and cough drops (I know you’ve tried everything) and if I’m really bad and in the fit, boiling water with a towel over my head to breathe just steam. The tickle is likely a post nasal drip hence the nose blow advice.

    2. Jay*

      Ugg.
      I hate that!
      I’m so sorry you have to deal with it. And over a weekend, at that.
      I don’t know if you are interested in over the counter stuff, but they make throat numbing sprays that aren’t too bad.
      Also, they make really strong cough drops that numb the throat.
      The sprays will work better, the cough drops will be easier to deal with.
      Vicks steam treatments. They make a couple, from small steam inhaler things that go over your face, to shower cakes that turn your whole shower into a Vicks scented steam room.
      A salt water gargle can help, if you don’t want anything medical.
      I’ve had friends swear by various hot pepper powders and drinks. I haven’t had too much luck with that, myself, but they claim it does wonders to break up mucous in the throat. I would do some looking into that one, before you try to use it.

    3. Shiny Penny*

      I get a type of asthma—only when I get sick— where the main symptom is coughing fits that are so bad I’ll end up vomiting. It’s the only time I need to use an Albuterol inhaler.
      So if you do All The Things to control for post-nasal drip, and the coughing fits continue, maybe get checked out for asthma? I didn’t know to do this til I was in my thirties. Wish I’d known to do it sooner!

      1. Roy G. Biv*

        Yes! It took too long to get a diagnosis of asthma, and then to realize keep the rescue inhaler ready. That slight tickle/catch on the inhale was an asthma coughing fit loading, so use the inhaler sooner, not later.

    4. Filthy Vulgar Mercenary*

      Xlear nasal spray or saline/xylitol nasal rinse packets for neti pots help me a LOT with the post-nasal drip if that’s what is causing your coughing. It doesn’t burn, either. It has xylitol in it so avoid if you are sensitive to that, but apparently it’s antimicrobial.

      Boil some water and let it mostly cool till it’s just warm, mix with the mixture, and use it. the combo of warm water + saline + xylitol softens and relaxes and hydrates all the tissues in there. I used to get the worst sinus infections before I realized a food sensitivity was causing them and stopped, but this was a life saver till that point.

    5. Indolent Libertine*

      Once it starts, not really, so focus on heading off the coughing fits. Have you tested for COVID? I’m recovering from it (first time ever) and have had a couple of coughing bouts that went that way. Cough drops, cough syrup with guaifenesin to keep stuff loose, lots of steam to soothe the passages, minimize talking and physical exertion. Feel better soon, and check in with your doc on Monday if you aren’t seeing noticeable improvement.

    6. Not A Manager*

      When I’m in the middle of a coughing fit, sometimes I’m able to hold my breath and drink water. Like if you were trying to stop hiccups. That can sometimes help calm the coughing. I find that slightly warm water works better than very cold water.

      There’s some evidence that honey is a good cough suppressant. During my last bout of illness, in addition to all of the OTC stuff I was taking, I would slowly eat about a teaspoon of honey before bed, and I do think it made a difference to my coughing. It seems pretty low-stakes.

    7. I didn't say banana*

      My kid coughs so much she vomits sometimes – a steamy shower and a humidifier usually stop a coughing fit pretty quickly. You said you’ve tried all the home remedies, just checking that includes a spoonful of honey?

    8. M&M Mom*

      Ugh, I have dealt with this for years. My fear in life is that this will happen while I am on the city bus! I will sometimes take Mucinex. And if I feel it’s starting, ice water helps. Good luck!

    9. Shiny Penny*

      Hey I just remembered The People’s Pharmacy discussion about using Vicks on the soles of your feet to control coughing! Maybe that would help? I’ll attach a link below.

    10. Liminality*

      When I had what I’m fairly sure was whooping cough over Thanksgiving, my doc gave me a prescription for something called Tessalon Perles. They were helpful.

    12. anxiousGrad*

      I had very bad asthma growing up and when I had a coughing fit that was so bad that cough drops wouldn’t help, I would eat a spoonful of honey and it would stop. Constantly using cough drops also got to a point where the menthol was irritating my throat, so at some point I switched to lozenges without menthol. Ricola had these berry ones that they called herbal supplements, but that was 10 years ago so there are probably more options now.

    13. Barm Brack*

      I had this issue and it didn’t go away until I got on a steroid inhaler. Def go to a doctor and tell them how bad it is.

    14. fhqwhgads*

      Humidifier.
      I get this regularly any time I get any kind of respiratory thing. I noticed when I’d go in person to the doctor, waiting there the huge coughing fits would suddenly subside, when I couldn’t escape it at home. Between air purifiers and humidity control, whatever was triggering the spasmic coughing at home (and to a lesser extent, in the car) did not happen in the doc’s office.

    15. I'm A Little Teapot*

      That particular symptom is a result of illness-inducted asthma for me, so if you have asthma call the doctor for steroids. It’s very much a thing and shouldn’t be a surprise to them.

      Hot tea, sipped frequently throughout the day will help put a lid on it. Hot shower will help. But for me, the only thing that really fixes is addressing the asthma.

    16. HopeYouFeelBetter*

      I hope you are feeling better! I would check with your doctor to see if you might have pertussis (whooping cough), because we’ve been seeing more of that than usual lately.

  45. Bluebell Brenham*

    Spouse and I have an 8 year old Subaru Outback and are starting to think about a new car. We are interested in a hybrid, because an EV setup would be extremely tricky where we are. Any suggestions for a similarly sized vehicle that’s a hybrid? We don’t want anything SUV sized. Thanks!

    1. RussianInTexas*

      KIA Niro Hybrid. They have the EV version, but the original is Hybrid. There is always the Toyota Prius.
      But Outback is an SUV, just not a large one. Toyota has RAV4 Hybrid and Honda has the hybrid CRV. Mazda is bringing CX-50 hybrid as well.

      1. Alex*

        I have a Kia Niro and like it! The mileage is excellent–not quite as good as a prius, but it is a bigger car (I think) and also less expensive. Much better than many hybrid SUVs out there (and it is classified as a compact SUV but I think it is smaller than an outback.)

        The only minor issue is that the heat and the AC aren’t as strong as I would sometimes like. But it’s not an enormous issue. (I have a friend with the same car and she also mentioned the same thing so I think it is just the car, not mine specifically.)

        1. Jay (no, the other one)*

          Hyundai Kona is basically the same car. We have the EV. They also make a hybrid

        2. Bluebell Brenham*

          Thanks – we would have to look at the width, as we have a small garage. That’s why we have a regular Outback and not a Crosstrek.

          1. Alex*

            It’s definitely smaller than a Crosstrek–my neighbor, who parks right next to me, has one, and it dwarfs my Niro!

      3. Clara Bowe*

        +1 I drove one out to Mass from Illinois (and back through Canada), and not only is it an excellent driving vehicle (seriously, no back pain! Even after the 10+ hour Toronto to Chicago dash!), but the gas mileage is fantastic. Regular street driving averages between 42-47 mpg, and the highway is between 51-65mpg (if you keep at a good speed and the EV kicks in).

        Careful tho, as it does not (or didn’t, I was driving a 2019) come with a spare. The cargo space is great too. But it is more like a Crosstrek than a small SUV in terms of body.

    2. Rick Tq*

      Ford has the Escape as both an HEV and PHEV. I’d call it a small SUV pretty close to an Outback.

    3. MissB*

      Volvo XC40 Hybrid. I have the EV version and love it. It’ll be slightly taller than an Outback (my kid had one), but its not a huge SUV.

    4. BookMom*

      I drive a Honda CRV hybrid and really like it. It’s very comfortable and gets great gas mileage. It’s slightly more $ than the comparable Hyundai and Kia models but has higher reliability predictions from Consumer Reports, and my trusted mechanic likes them too. (Not that he sees the CRV often because it wasn’t had any problems yet.). Toyota RAV-4 hybrid got soooo popular that they ask a premium price and they’re hard to get.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I have a gas CRV, and it’s my third one because I walked away from being the middle car in a three car accident (due to a texting teenager) that totaled my car from either end, let alone both, with absolutely no injury other than a hairline fracture of a single rib. The responding officer on seeing my car was positive he would need an ambulance on site, if not worse.

    5. Maestra*

      I drive a Camry hybrid and my husband has the RAV4 hybrid. We really like them both. Even though they are both hybrids, the Camry gets MUCH better gas mileage and we take it on all of our long trips unless we need the trunk space. I’ve had it up to 60MPG on long/highway trips. Obviously the Camry is a smaller car, but it has a pretty roomy trunk. I prefer sedans to hatchbacks. I am very short and I don’t love driving the RAV4 because it’s very boxy upfront. Parking it is a nightmare for me because I can’t trust the front of the car. If I’m driving it, I’m usually backing into a spot.

      1. Bluebell Brenham*

        We have liked the hatchback option of the outback. Adult kiddo has the RAV4, but I don’t think that fits in our garage. Because we take the dog traveling a lot, we prefer something four-door instead of two-door. Good to know you like the Camry.

  46. Ricotta*

    Where are you getting accurate weather forecasting these days? Any site or app suggestions welcome, even amateur-run if they have a good track record. My usuals (dot gov and the local news) have apparently switched to the “closing their eyes and throwing darts” method of prediction. Northeastern US.

      1. RagingADHD*

        I am in the Southeast, and I find AccuWeather quite reliable, especially the MinuteCast that shows what time the rain is likely to start. Of course, it only works well when I have it keyed to my phone location rather than the city name or zip code. We have a big variation in microclimates here, to the point that the daffodils come up a full 2 weeks earlier in spring on the other side of town (the equivalent of about 200 miles’ change in latitude on flat ground).

    2. WellRed*

      Ha! I’m in New England and so frustrated with weather forecasting these days. It might rain or it might not. At some point, we can confirm it will be dark out.

    3. Rick Tq*

      Weather Underground seems to do a fair job. They are an aggregator site for private weather stations so you can see a LOT more detail on local conditions, even down to street level if there enough stations reporting.

    4. Everyone is different*

      I use weather.com. Does pretty good and the radar is very helpful to see what’s coming.

    6. Songbird121*

      It may not be possible. With all the changes in climate and such, the predictive algorithms that used to be used for, well prediction, are not are relevant as they once were. So they can plug data into them, but the interactions of weird weather elements mean that the outputs of those algorithms aren’t matching up as well with what actually happens. With statistical prediction, the more variable and irregular the data, the less precise the predictions. And we have all manner of variability going on currently.

    7. Morning Reading*

      I don’t see much difference since they are all based on the same data. Fwiw, I use the WGN app (Chicago based but good anywhere.)

    8. DistantAudacity*

      The Norwegian site yr.no is very good! English version available.

      It’s a public service, so no ads and no cost

    9. SofiaDeo*

      I like Weather Underground in our area. A number of neighbors and schools have units; I can see the differences in the local area & figure out what the differences between sunny, shady, and windy or not, area are. So not so much for forecasting, as what things actually are.

    10. Hyaline*

      Weather Underground is my usual go to but surprisingly I found a local meteorologist on Facebook to be the best for local stuff (and he posts nerdy interesting explanations about how all the science works).

    11. Subtle Tuba*

      I just go with the government! (National Weather Service.) Maybe this is because I grew up with my dad’s little NOAA Weather Radio.

  47. Red Sky*

    Questions for Oregon AAM commentariat, a few friends who are spread out across the country and I are thinking about meeting up in Oregon in August. We’d be flying into Portland then driving out to the coast (Cannon Beach? Manzanita?) for a few days. Recs for things to do and sights to see in Portland and out to the coast (Cannon Beach or Manzanita)? We’re middle-aged and enjoy things like easy hikes, natural landmarks, interesting museums and galleries, botanical gardens, cat cafes, and quirky or weird tourist attractions.

    Recs for gluten-free friendly eating spots also greatly appreciated! Also what will the weather be like? We’re coming from areas with regular 100+ temps, so hoping for a cool down.

    1. Ricotta*

      If you’re going to Cannon Beach, you have to do the Goonies tour! Fan sites offer self-guided instructions.

    2. Pop*

      I love the Oregon Coast, but there’s not much to do in terms of cultural attractions or museums in those areas. Ecola State Park and Oswald West State Park are both lovely for hiking. Tillamook has the cheese factory which is fun. There’s a little more to do in Astoria if you want to drive a bit north. Look up where you can find tide pools and check out Haystack rock. Lots of hanging out! The ocean is not really warm enough to swim in.

      2. WoodswomanWrites*

        For anyone used to sandy beaches like many found in the east, Oregon beaches are not like that. There are places you can walk down to the water but they’re typically next to rock outcroppings. As Not Dory says, these aren’t swimming beaches. Pay attention to the tide chart before walking from one end of the beach to the other to avoid getting trapped against a cliff at high tide. This isn’t meant to scare you off–I love the Oregon coast!–you just need to be mindful when you visit.

    3. ronda*

      I did a train ride while at cannon beach
      oregoncoastscenic org/train-rides/
      Garibaldi or Rockaway Beach round trip
      It was nice.

      I also saw this article about the Oregon Coast that might give you other ideas. : oregonisforadventure com/oregon-coast-road-trip/

    4. Llellayena*

      Portland botanical garden and Japanese garden are very worth it! Also if you’re in Portland for a Saturday, definitely go to the Saturday market.

    5. One more librarian*

      Portland metro: Lan Su Chinese Garden, Powell’s City of Books, Leach Botanical Garden, hikes in either Forest Park, Mt. Tabor Park (a volcano!), or Washington Park (which includes the World Forestry Center museum, the Japanese Garden, and the International Rose Test Garden). The Original Practice Shakespeare troupe will have free performances around town. If you like craft markets, the Saturday Market is fun — and it’s open Saturdays and Sundays.

      McMenamins is a somewhat quirky Oregon/Washington chain of breweries, restaurants, and hotels; most of the hotels are repurposed buildings with nods to their original uses.

      Last summer there were a lot of elk hanging around Seaside and some other coastal towns. I haven’t spent much time on the coast in the last few years, but if you can get a hotel with a good view of the ocean that’s always nice. The coast will be cooler than Portland; there are usually a few days at or around 100 degrees in Portland in August, but this year — who knows?

    6. Excuse Me, Is This Username Taken?*

      Someone already mentioned Oswald West State Park and Ecola State Park, both are wonderful. It’s an easy drive between Cannon Beach and Manzanita, so if you stayed in one you could day trip to the other. Both have charming, beachy little downtowns, though Cannon Beach is more touristy than Manzanita. As far as weather goes, who knows but certainly pack a jacket or a sweatshirt. It can get gusty and cooler, even if Portland is quite warm.

    7. Shiny Penny*

      Powell’s bookstore sounds pretty amazing. If I ever go to Portland, that would be my first stop.

    8. BikeWalkBarb*

      Eat ice cream. I’m an occasional visitor to Portland (live in Olympia, WA and it’s an easy Amtrak ride with my bike). Salt & Straw is the one I’ve been to; several on this list pdx.eater.com/maps/best-ice-cream-portland-scoop-shop-restaurant.

      If you like to bicycle you might rent bikes. Portland is a pretty bike-friendly town with good infrastructure. My impression as a visitor has been that drivers mostly expect me, which is important. Trail along the Columbia River is nice for walking or biking.

      Consider Seaside as another potential spot on the coast. I’ve been to Cannon Beach several times, Manzanita and Astoria last March. We did a day trip to Seaside and I want to go back. It’s another somewhat touristy coastal town but very cute, good bookstore, and a nice little coffee shop (non Starbucks) across the street from the bookstore.

    9. Annie Edison*

      I love the Oregon Coast! Others have mentioned some good places to visit in Portland, so I’ll add in some gluten-free suggestions.

      This is a wonderful food town and almost everywhere I’ve been has at least a few good gluten free options. A few spots I’ve loved:

      Mestizo (whole kitchen is gluten free and food is to die for)
      New Cascadia Baskery- all gluten free! They have pizza, bagels, donuts, cinnamon rolls, bread dough, etc.
      Petunia’s Pies and Pastries- also all gluten free!
      Mississippi Pizza – one of the best gluten free pizza crusts I’ve ever had, anywhere. The breadsticks are delicious too. I’m not sure it would be safe if you’re celiac and sensitive to cross – contamination, so you may want to call and check if that’s an issue
      Cubo- great cuban food, almost everything is gluten free. Try the empanadas
      DarSalam is a family owned Iraqi restaurant. Absolutely delicious, lots and lots of gluten free options

      Adding in a couple other things to explore too:
      Rose Garden
      Forest Park (largest urban park in the country? I think? Tons of hiking trails)
      Movie Madness for movie memorabilia
      Free comedy on Friday nights in laurelhurst park (they keep it clean and relatively family friendly)

      And finally, one of my favorite things to do is pick one of the neighborhoods on the east side and spend a couple hours wandering through the shops there. Division, Belmont, Hawthorne, Mississippi, and others all have many blocks of cute shops and food options, and lovely neighborhoods around them.

    10. Rosyglasses*

      Gluten free : one of my favorite spots in Portland is Bastion. I’ve heard good things about Mestizo but haven’t been. There is a ton of gluten free dedicated restaurants or food available.

      August can still be warm in Portland (90-100) but the weather is rarely reliable — same to be said for the coast.

      Cannon Beach is my favorite beach – but there are a ton of cute and quaint spots along 101. NOTE: depending on which weekend you are coming in August make sure it is NOT during Hood to Coast which lands in Seaside and traffic is seriously effed the whole way there and back.

      Portland things: Powell’s Bookstore (a whole city block several stories of BOOKS!), across the street amazing shaved Hawaiian ice at Wailuea. Portland Art Museum, Chinese Gardens and Oregon Historical Society are all downtown.

      Japanese Gardens are some of the best in the United States and it is in Washington Park which also houses Hoyt Arboretum (free), the zoo, world forestry center, and the Portland Rose Gardens (free).

      Wildwood Trail and Forest Park in general are in the middle of the city and is over 30 miles of hiking! Check out Pittock mansion which overlooks the city with amazing views (free) and has paid tours inside the home. NW 23rd is just down the hill and is a fun stretch of shopping and food.

      Hawthorne/ Belmont area of SE Portland will give you all the hippy, thrift store, food and drink you could ask for.

      I’m not sure if Alberta street has their Friday art walk – but it’s typically the last Friday I think of the month. Also a really neat area of small shops and tons of yummy restaurants.

      Have a blast!

  48. Once too Often*

    Shout out to anyone touched by cancer in any way. May care teams be kind & skillful, may family & friends show up in warm support, may your paths be smoothed as you walk forward, & may peace come in the morning.

    Sending positives vibes to all.

    1. Camelid coordinator*

      Thank you! I recently moved to a new city, and it has all been a little overwhelming. This week I start radiation and fortunately one of my dearest friends will be visiting me and can go with. Last week a person I met at church here accompanied me to my radiation set-up appointment. We’d talked all of twice before that and I really appreciated the support. I am tired of trying to be strong.

      1. Once too Often*

        Thoughts:

        1). Company for appts
        * Video calls with one of your peeps for appts give you a backup memory & another person to ask questions, means you aren’t as “alone” for the appt & helps me so much even now. My team has been cool with that.

        2) organized support
        There are support organizations of different kinds in many places. I’d ask your treatment center for info & go from there. Buddy programs in person & online, transportation & accompaniment of different kinds, financial support, art classes, massage/reiki, etc etc.
        * Here, the YMCA coordinates a couple programs for patients & survivors. In my experience, those folks offered each other rides to appts & shared info on resources.
        * Friends can do a lot of initial research & screening for your location & talk thru short lists instead of your needing to do all that yourself.

        3) Treatment center resources:
        * There are often “patient advocates” that help with finding resources & have access to grants. * Mine has social workers with experience in cancer care. They set me up with an initial meeting, then I requested more going forward as I wanted.
        * Transportation. There are groups that offer rides for little or no cost.
        * Patient & survivor groups – if not hosted there the center should have connections. Some have “buddy” groups.
        * There should be an advocacy group at your center if you have issues/concerns/problems with anyone on your team. I hope your team is wonderful & that will not be an issue, but unfortunately a friend is needing that where she is.

        4) My best tips for radiation

        a) practice holding your breath now. They want you still, holding your breath, for torso treatment, for 20-30 seconds at a time for however many cycles.

        b) skin care:
        – calendula cream/gel makes a much bigger difference than I anticipated.
        – get the gentlest soap you can find
        – look for lotions that rehydrate without “sealing” the skin.

        C) wear a hat, & socks!
        Ask for a towel between your skin & the machine in areas that aren’t being zapped. Eg they had my arms above my head, to keep them out of the way, but I asked & they laid a towel under my arms.

        Those treatment rooms are kept cold (~63F) for the equipment, but you’ll be undressed to some extent. The techs where I was wore fleece jackets in there!

        D) physical therapy
        You may have had an evaluation already, for strength/range of motion/flexibility. If not, I’d request it. Radiation will shrink muscle tissue over time, & you want to know what exercises to be doing & how to monitor progress. It’s easier to address incrementally than once the tissues are small & tight. They checked me quarterly & sent me home with a pamphlet of exercises to do.

        E) Treatment sessions
        I found radiation treatment to be fairly simple once underway. Mine was fast – once in the room I was done & getting dresssed within 5 minutes. There can be a cumulative effect, I was tired by the end. It’s odd to be left alone in the room, while they watch on camera & talk over the loudspeaker. They come right back in when the machine is done.

        Sending you good vibes.

    2. BikeWalkBarb*

      I don’t currently have anyone in my life that I know of. Just wanted to let you know that your weekly post with this is so kind.

  49. Ali + Nino*

    Your favorite smoothie recipes? Including your favorite websites for multiple smoothie recipes. Thanks!

    1. Camelid coordinator*

      I really like the original smoothie recipe from Simple Green Smoothies (dot com) (called ‘Best Green Smoothie ’ on the website), which has frozen mango, pineapple, and banana plus some spinach (& water). Ages ago I was a recipe tester for their little book. I still look at the website occasionally for combination and proportion ideas. Enjoy!

    2. kalli*

      2 cups rice milk, 2 bananas, 1tsp nutmeg, 1tsp cinnamon sugar, 1/2 tbsp agave nectar, 1/2 tsp vanilla protein powder

      2 cups rice milk, 1 banana, 1 handful blueberries, 1/2 tbsp agave nectar, 1/2 tsp vanilla protein powder

  50. anxiousGrad*

    I would like to foster cats one day, but I’ve never had one before, so I have a couple of questions. One is, do they usually know to use the litter box or do you have to train them? The other is, do most cats want to scratch up your furniture? How do you prevent this?

    1. sswj*

      Use of the litterbox is instinctual, especially in kittens. Occasionally a cat will develop an aversion to them if they’ve been badly frightened there (a bully cat ambushing them repeatedly) or if they’ve had a painful UTI and then associate the box with pain. But as a rule if you have a couple of decent sized boxes available they will use them.

      As for scratching furniture, maybe. If you provide lots of good scratching alternatives (posts, cat tower, sisal mat etc) they should use them instead of furniture. It’s an action with a lot of purposes and one of them is marking. If you’ve never had a cat before, your furniture hasn’t been scratched, and you have some options for them they might leave your couch alone. The other thing you can do -especially with kittens- is to keep claws trimmed. They adapt well to it, and it saves a lot of wear and tear on everyone and everything.

      Yay for a new foster person! :)

    2. Sloanicota*

      Kittens are about a billion times easier to toilet train than dogs. I’ve had some that I literally only had to pick up and put in the box once, and they got it; it’s instinctive for them to go in one place and bury it, so the sand/litter concept really speaks to them. Of course it’s not always quite that easy but it often is. Regarding scratching, you can sort of audit your furniture; some people have sofas that are particularly desirable for scratching (just think of a texture that would be great to wear down sharp nail tips) and would be ruined by even one scratch (leather can be like that), so I’d suggest not going that route if you’re interested in cats. I sometimes have a “sacrifice” chair or rug that they can scratch and it won’t bother me as much, as well as lots of scratching post toys. If that’s your major bugaboo they do make nail caps although I’ve never tried them.

      1. anxiousGrad*

        Hm I have a corduroy couch so I feel like that would be very appealing to a cat. I’ve seen that there are sprays you can put on your furniture that make it smell unappealing. Do these work?

        1. BikeWalkBarb*

          I’ve used one that had the best rating from some site (The Spruce? Wirecutter? I’ve forgotten), Claws Away. I like it because it’s only herbs in water, no chemicals (lemon verbena and rosemary; cats don’t like citrus). It doesn’t seem to leave any marks on my smooth, pale sofa upholstery. It’s kind of spendy but only takes a couple of squirts. I have it on autofill reorder from Chewy.

          It semi-works, meaning that I need to respray the corner of one particular chair that my cat wants to include in his morning “visit all the scratching posts” routine. By semi-works I mean he’ll avoid it once it’s sprayed but I haven’t broken him of the habit of wanting to scratch it. I also spray it on a couple of wall corners he likes (which are right by the scratching posts, you bad cat!).

          After watching many episodes of “My Cat from Hell” with Jackson Galaxy and reading a book on cat behavior I tried some positive reinforcement that helped shift him away from a couple of other spots. Every time I catch him using the scratching post (every time in the beginning, now using intermittent reinforcement based on my fuzzy memory of high school psychology and B.F. Skinner) I talk to him in a special voice (possibly unnecessary), tell him what a good boy he is, give him a tiny treat that’s actually a dental aid, and scratch the post a couple of times myself so he gets the sound and behavior associated with the treat. I also redirected him to the scratching post by moving him to it when he’d start on the corner of the sofa. That treat business really reduced his interest in the sofa. He now scratches a post, then sits and looks at me with a “where’s my treat dammit?” expression.

          The corduroy does sound tempting. You also need to know if you don’t already that some cats are vertical scratchers (furniture, walls) and others prefer horizontal (rugs), which I only learned recently after decades of owning cats. Find out which the cat prefers and provide lots of that to directs them to.

          I tried using the “sticky paws” stuff you stick onto furniture but found that every time I walked past it, it stuck to me instead. Gave up on that. Depending on your sofa placement it might work for you. You might try putting foil on the corners with some painter’s tape as a cheaper option.

          You will *absolutely* be helping cats have a better future experience with another owner if you can train them to use scratching posts and not furniture. Provide consistency, rewards for desired behavior, and notes on what works for the future owner to be aware of.

          Good luck!

          1. anxiousGrad*

            Gotcha, thanks for the helpful advice! I also see that there are some pretty good looking couch covers that aren’t very expensive, so I could do that as well. I’m probably not going to be ready to foster until January at the earliest, but right now I’m volunteering at the shelter to learn more about cats. Yesterday one of them was having a great time tearing up the paper in her condo, which made me think of it. Luckily one of the visitors to the shelter wasn’t bothered by that so she got adopted! I was very allergic to cats for most of my life so I’m relatively new to working with them, but I’m really starting to love them and it’s getting harder and harder to leave the shelter without taking one of them home.

  51. RIP*

    Anyone else here old enough to remember Richard Simmons in his heyday? I remember him being on General Hospital…on tv commercials…sweating to the oldies…having his own show. He was funny and gentle and encouraging and populated his videos with people off all shapes.

    1. A313*

      From what little I’ve heard, his last years were maybe sad, which is a shame. He did seem like a very kind, accepting man.

    3. Ricotta*

      Anyone wanting to remember him at his best needs to watch the clip of him on Whose Line Is It Anyway? I won’t link since it will go to mod, but it’s easily searched on YT.

    4. BellaStella*

      Yes I do and yes I remember the GH period too! It is a sad day for sure as he was such a good soul. Same for Dr Ruth she was too.

    5. Almost Academic*

      I took a workout class with him in college (our uni brought him in for stress busting during finals week). It was such a highlight! He was so kind and an absolutely delightful person, and so much fun.

  52. Totally an Elinor*

    Anyone have a good comfort podcast recommendation? I’m hoping for something light, and funny would be a bonus. About to go on a road trip am desperate to avoid anything close to the current news cycle.

    1. Jay*

      -The Beef And Dairy Podcast.
      It’s a hilarious British podcast centered around (mocumentary style) the beef and dairy industries. Sort of like Monty Pythons Flying Farm Report. Think 30Rock with cows. It is way better and way funnier than I’m making it sound.

    2. Professor Plum*

      I like Wait, Await Don’t Tell Me for light and funny.
      I enjoy Literally with Rob Lowe ,especially looking for episodes with guests that I know.

    3. Sitting Pretty*

      Normal Gossip. Host and guest share an anonymized story from a listener about a bit of gossip from their lives (lots of silly friends and family situations), and discuss what happened and how they would navigate it. Hilarious and quirky.

      Handsome. Comedy hosts Fortune Feimster, Tig Notaro, and Mae Martin gab together, then answer a random question posed by a celebrity. Every episode is absolutely giggle-inducing.

    4. Miss Dove*

      No Such Thing as a Fish – a British humor podcast, by the writers of the panel show QI

      The Puzzler by AJ Jacobs – it’s a short podcast with little puzzles done by celebrities, but you can play along

      Infinite Monkey Cage – a science podcast that manages to be informative and hilarious at the same time.

      Rabbit Hole Detectives – light little snippets of “where did this thing come from?”

    5. Jay*

      Almost forgot something.
      There is a website called 1-900 Hotdog that has a couple of podcasts associated with it.
      It was founded by comedy writers, mostly from Cracked.com, who found themselves pushed out in favor of listicles, stuff from Reddit, and AI generated content. Basically anything the owners could get for free.
      They are absolutely hilarious, in a way you just don’t see online anymore.
      The free podcasts associated are The Dogzone 9000 and Bigfeets (a watch along podcast for the best worst tv show ever, Mountain Monsters, and, at least in my opinion, the single funniest thing in podcasting right now).
      Just be aware that these podcasts are generally very, very NSFW.

    6. Annie Edison*

      Wiser Than Me with Julia Louis-Dreyfus has been bringing me so much joy!

      Conversations with women in their 70s – 90s about life, family, career, and aging

    7. Bluebell Brenham*

      The last time I was on a road trip I introduced my sibling to Family Trips with the Meyers Brothers. Seth and Josh usually host a famous friend, but there are a few episodes where the listeners contributed stories. The one about siblings on trips is great!

    8. Anonymous cat*

      I always recommend Cabin Pressure (radio comedy) and John Finnemore’s Souvenir Programme (radio sketch show).

      FYI—Finnemore worked on Good Onens 2!

    9. Jill Swinburne*

      Tony Robinson’s Cunningcast. He played Baldrick in popular sitcom Blackadder and the title is a riff on his very famous catchphrase “I have a cunning plan”. It’s about all sorts of weird history things, like jelly (in the British sense), turnips, Doctor Who, archaeology. Always interesting.

    10. Natalie*

      Did you like the Sweet Valley Twins series at any point in your life?
      There’s a very funny podcast called Double Love where these two Irish podcasters go through the series.
      It’s pretty much the only podcast that will make me literally laugh aloud. I tend to listen with headphones, so my sudden laughter tends to freak the cat out, but it’s worth it!
      :)

      Hope you find a good one!

  53. Paints*

    How long would you keep paint that was used to repaint your apartment? I repainted a few years ago and what’s left of the paint. I live in a small apartment so I am finding now that I would like the space.

    1. Professor Plum*

      Maybe keep just a small jars worth in case of needing to touch up? Give away the rest—I found someone who was looking for paint for a service project. Was happy to let go of the paint I was never going to use again.

    2. Sitting Pretty*

      Funny, this just came up for me this week! I had some repairs done to my ceiling due to a leak and also installed recessed lighting. There were a few small wall areas that had to be repainted and I was super glad to have saved the old cans of paint. The crew used those for various patches on different colored walls. So for me, the answer happens to be at least 3 years :)

      For space, the best thing to do is save the paint chips with the color name/code and marked with which room. That way they’re easy to match in a pinch.

      But TBH, after a few years, the colors on the wall fade and change, so you’re going to need to start fresh anyway.

    3. Jay*

      Have you checked to see if it’s still even good?
      Paint lasts only so long before it will start to dry in the can (unless you do things like use a nitrogen system to replace the air in the can).
      If you haven’t looked at it in a while, check.
      It could be a moot point by now.

    4. The OG Sleepless*

      To be honest, if you have room for it I would keep it for the rest of the time you live there or whenever you repaint. Even if you don’t use the paint itself, you’ll have the name of the color and/or a sample the paint store can match. I recently had to repaint part of a room I painted five years ago, and for some reason I hadn’t saved the bucket, and I had to repaint the whole room.

      1. Filosofickle*

        I keep mine too. It’s possible years later that the paint won’t be good or that even if it is, it won’t quite match because of how paint ages, but that has saved me enough times to bother.

        However, if OP doesn’t have room to store, at a minimum take a photo of the label/specs to document the color before tossing. Then you have the info to recreate the color. It may not be perfect (due to aging or batch differences) but at least then you can do a wall instead of a whole room.

        To anyone painting now, I recommend putting a couple of coats on a stir stick and marking it with the paint brand and color. (Bigger samples are even better, but a stir stick is small and easy to store.) I have a stir stick for every room, easy to take with me when shopping for furniture.

    5. Generic Name*

      I personally keep paint as long as it matches a wall or other painted surface in the house. But I have a large house with a storage room, so space isn’t an issue.

  54. Seeking Second Childhood*

    Do any of you have a recommendation for finding hiking boots despite a bunion?

      1. Bluebell Brenham*

        Was coming here to suggest Merrill’s MOAB boot. It has been a great fit, as I have wide feet and a developing bunion on one foot.

    2. Sitting Pretty*

      Keens totally saved my feet. Bunyon + arthritis made me think I could never hike again but my Keen boots are exactly the right shape.

      1. Ricotta*

        I second Keens. Literally bought a pair this week. Before wearing, when they’re still immaculate, weather-proof for extra sturdiness.

        Triangle feet, extra wide at the toes and extra slim at the heel.

    3. Reba*

      Altra or Topo — these are cushioned but zero-drop, i.e. heel and toes are level, which is not for everyone. There are also a number of “barefoot” shoe brands that offer wide toe boxes and minimal soles, again not for everyone but could be worth a try.
      If you need a more supportive/rigid boot, the Merrells and Keens tend to have wider non-tapered foot shapes. And Hanwag has a bunion-specific fit.

  55. Rain*

    I’m interested in work safe icebreaker questions. Things like “What series are you binging?”, “What’s a food everyone loves but you hate?” or “If you could only listen to one band/musician for the rest of your life, who would it be?”. Breezy, fun stuff

    (I know loads of people hate icebreaker questions, but my team loves them and requested them. They even send me their own ideas and one day when I was out sick, they came up with their own so they could still do it.)

    1. Not A Manager*

      Someone asked me the other day, if you could learn one new skill what would it be. I thought that was intriguing.

      1. Sitting Pretty*

        Oh I love this one! It’s cool to hear what dream hobbies people have.

        A twist on it: If you could spend an all-expenses-paid month in residence with anyone in the world learning their art/craft/skill, who would it be and for what?

    2. Sitting Pretty*

      – If money were no object, what band/musician would headline at your next birthday party, and why?
      – Share one really boring fact about yourself (mine is that I fail every time I try to properly hard-boil an egg).
      – What is a spot in your town/neighborhood that you are most excited to share with visitors?
      – Pick one color (everyone does royal blue for example) and have folks share an item/object/whatever in that color that is compelling to them in some way, and why.
      – Our fall-back when we can’t think of anything creative is the catch-all: What’s one thing you are watching, reading, playing,.or listening to these days that’s bringing you joy?

    3. Natalie*

      I like the ‘would you rather’ types of questions as well. It can be interesting to see how many people go for each options!

      So like:
      Would you rather have a pet fox or a pet raccoon?
      Would you rather be always itchy or always sweaty?
      Would you rather have a tail or horns?
      Would you rather be able to fly or have invisibility?
      Would you rather be able to swim like a fish or run like a cheetah?

    4. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I like them best simple and open-ended. One memorable one was ‘what’s something about you that people here might not know?’

    5. Phlox*

      What’s your favorite number? led to a brilliant team conversation. I ended up buying a conversation card pack for families for my work coffee hour I host, not all the questions can work but its easier for me to judge a few options than think of my own

    6. Future*

      I find binary or otherwise limited answer questions to be good sometimes, because it can be hard to come up with answers to open-ended questions for some people, and conversations are still generated.

      Do you prefer:

      – hot drinks or cold drinks?
      – winter or summer?
      – the beach or the mountains?
      – morning, afternoon, or evening?
      – trains or buses?
      – sweet or savoury?
      – dogs or cats?
      – driving or being a passenger?

      And why?

    7. Music to my ears*

      We had an ice breaker recently where there were six questions to pull from a hat and the question people loved the most was

      “What’s the favorite concert that you ever attended?”

      I pulled a different question and instead decided to answer the concert question.

Comments are closed.