weekend open thread — July 20-21, 2024

by Alison Green on July 19, 2024

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand.

Here are the rules for the weekend posts.

Book recommendation of the week: Hope, by Andrew Ridker. The ground shifts under each member of a family after one of them is caught falsifying data at work. Publishers Weekly called it a “pitch-perfect portrayal of Jewish American life.”

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

You may also like:
{ 993 comments }

{ 993 comments… read them below }

  1. Ask a Manager* Post author

    The weekend posts are for relatively light discussion and comments should ask questions and/or seek to discuss ideas. Recommendations or one to two updates on things you received advice about in the past are fine, but “here’s what happened to me today” personal-blog-style posts will be removed. We also can’t do medical advice here.

    Please give the full rules a re-read.

  2. Jackalope*

    Reading thread! Share what you’ve been reading and give or request recs.

    I’ve been reading Dreamer’s Pool by Juliet Marillier. It’s a fantasy novel about two people who meet each other while unfairly incarcerated. They escape, and then go to start a new life together as friends working in a village together. She has made a promise that she will help anyone who asks her for help, which puts her in some interesting situations and gives them adventures to experience. I think I like it, although there are some bits that lost my interest a touch.

    1. Annie Edison*

      I picked up “All the Lovers in the Night” based purely on a bookseller recommendation at my local bookstore, and it is hauntingly beautiful. The main character is a middle-aged woman living alone, trying to figure out who she is outside of work. There is a passage about halfway through describing her experience listening to a Chopin piece on a CD given to her by a friend that was pure poetry. There are also some very thoughtful discussions of how different women choose to balance love and relationship and work that feel very honest about the struggles of mid-life in a way I haven’t seen before.

        1. Annie Edison*

          Would love to hear what you think after you read it! Disclaimer that I’m about 2/3rds through right now so don’t know where it’s all going to end up. But I’m loving the writing and would like to read more of her work after I finish

          2. Cheshire Cat*

            I’ll definitely check back! There’s a several weeks’ wait for the title, unfortunately.

    2. Atheist Nun*

      I read and can recommend The Newlyweds by Mansi Choksi. It follows three couples in India whose relationships fall outside traditional Indian norms. It is a nonfiction book that reads like a novel (or maybe the screenplay for a Hindi/Telugu film) and evoked in me many emotions: excitement, fear, tenderness, horror, and hope. The author shows how difficult it is to be poor in India, especially when you choose your own marriage partner, because that choice ostracizes you from the support of your families and often from society as a whole; one participant describes how her love is likely to “perish in the anonymity of poverty.” If you are into this kind of thing, I can also recommend The Heart Is a Shifting Sea: Love and Marriage in Mumbai by Elizabeth Flock.

      1. Jean (just Jean)*

        Wow, these books sound wonderful–as does everything else mentioned in this thread so far. Thanks for sharing these titles.

    3. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      I just finished *James* by Percival Everett. It’s a re-imagining of some of the events of *Huckleberry Finn* and beyond from the perspective of Jim. I thought it was great — I read it in one day, and it made me want to explore more that Everett has written.

      I do think that one probably ought to have read *Huckleberry Finn* before reading *James*, but I don’t think one has to re-read it to enjoy the new novel. You’ll remember enough of the plot points for things to make sense in *James*, and *James* eventually veers somewhat away from the *Huckleberry Finn* plot a bit anyway.

      It would probably also be helpful if one is well versed in some of the big-name philosophers of the 18th and 19th century, which I am not, but things still made sense without that knowledge.

      1. Sitting Pretty*

        James blew me away. I finished it in one day. Percival Everett is just a phenomenal writer!

    4. Falling Diphthong*

      Far From the Light of Heaven by Tade Thompson. Shortly after humans start interstellar settlements, an astronaut is hired to be the trained pilot first mate on a colony sleep ship–the captain is an AI, and the mate is just there to fill in if something happens to the AI, and nothing ever has. As you can guess, the pilot emerges from deep sleep to discover that the AI is broken and someone killed a bunch of passengers.

      I quite liked this. The germ of the story was the idea of doing a locked room mystery in space.

      1. Happily Retired*

        This is the most random reply ever, but how did you get the title to display in italics? I’ve tried standard html code here, but it didn’t work. (Same for bold or underline, if anyone knows the secrets to those!)

          1. Happily Retired*

            Ahh, look at that! I had never made it past the “thou shalt nots.” :D

            I had tried using brackets [ ] rather than the . Thanks!

            1. Happily Retired*

              *rather than the pointy things that are the upper case comma and period that in math denote lesser than and greater than. Sheesh.

      2. BikeWalkBarb*

        This sounds somewhat similar to The Deep Sky by Yumi Kitesai. another story involving AI and space exploration, in this case a ship full of women sent to colonize a planet because Earth is dying. All women because they’re supposed to get pregnant along the way and get a jump start on the population of the new planet. Good use of virtual reality as a plot device.

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          Wait, are they being artificially inseminated onboard ship? How are they supposed to get up the pole?

    5. goddessoftransitory*

      Rereading Bill Bryson at work: Neither Here Nor There, and In a Sunburned Country. Perfect for pick up/put down reading.

      At our current Air BnB due to water damage setup, I just finished Jane Eyre for the uppity-umpth time and am now re-reading Peyton Place, one of those “landscape changing” novels that’s in the cultural firmament but nobody actually reads much anymore. It’s dated in a lot of ways, naturally, and hardly comfortable in its references to POCs and anyone who isn’t a white New Englander, but very crisp, readable, and closely observed–you can see why it was such a huge, seismic event when it came out!

      1. Rara Avis*

        So my family is based in the NH town where Grace Metalious lived — I’ve visited her grave, and driven by the house where she lived. Our other literary claim to fame is Devil in the White City — the serial killer was born in that same town. Exciting stuff.

      2. Filosofickle*

        I loved in a Sunburned Country — a charming read! I would be interested in rereading that. On my TBR list is At Home, a history of the modern house.

      3. Helvetica*

        His “Notes From a Small Island” is probably my favourite travel book. I re-read it every couple of years and it is always a delight that makes me laugh out loud – probably because he is so good at painting a vivid scene with his words.

      4. PhyllisB*

        Does anyone on here remember when books were BANNED IN BOSTON? Peyton Place was at the top of the list. I still remember seeing books in stores with the banned in Boston banner across the front. Was sure to be a big seller. And yes, all my friends and I were quick to read Peyton Place.
        There was also a TV series based on this book. I believe Mia Farrow starred in it. I didn’t watch it.

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          I remember a Dorothy Parker review of an Earnest Hemingway novel where she said he got “everything” a writer could want for a novel, including being banned in Boston.

          2. MotherofaPickle*

            Dorothy Parker has been popping up in my life recently. I think it’s a sign to reread her collected works.

            1. goddessoftransitory*

              Do it! She is HILARIOUS. Her reviews of plays I will never see and books that I haven’t read are fresh, insightful and a riot.

    6. STEM Admin*

      Yesterday I finished the entire Jane Yellowrock/Soulwood intertwining series. I read from the beginning when new books come out and I hadn’t yet read the two most recent books or the latest anthology. Today I restarted the Guild Codex series by Annette Marie.

    7. Happily Retired*

      I just finished “There There” by Cheyenne-Arapaho writer Tommy Orange, his first published novel. It was a finalist for the 2019 Pulitzer Prize and won many other awards. It is set in modern-day Oakland CA and features a multitude of Urban Indians, but beyond that, I don’t even begin to know how to describe it. I recommend it to everyone. The Prologue is a condensed but agonizing summary of Native American/ American Indian/ Indigenous history since “discovery” of the Americas by Europeans. (American Indian bumper sticker: “Fighting terrorism since 1492.”

      The author has announced a sequel that (might, I hope) be published later this year.

      1. Annie Edison*

        Ahhh that was honestly my favorite book the year when it came out, and I think is still in my top 5 now.
        His second book is already out! I haven’t read it yet but it’s on my list for later this summer

      2. Annie Edison*

        Also! I started reading There There on Thanksgiving Day, and boy was that prologue a gut punch. It started me on a journey of realizing how completely uneducated I am about the experiences of native tribes in the US and I’ve been trying to slowly seek out more work by Native artists ever since

      3. vombatus ursinus*

        There There is fantastic, and the sequel is already out :) It’s called Wandering Stars. I read it recently and it’s also very good, though I think I preferred There There. I think you will also get more out of it if you’ve read There There first, since some of the characters overlap.

        1. BikeWalkBarb*

          Agreed. It was a while for me between reading the two. I caught the shared intertwined stories but I think it would have been better to read them close together. Some of Wandering Stars felt a bit like material he wrote for There There that got cut. Or it was his own backstory development to prepare him to write the first book. Still really really good. I’m a white woman who grew up in Idaho and then Washington and reading fiction by Indigenous writers has been such an important part of my education to fill the holes that school left.

      4. Jackalope*

        For anyone who wants to read a book that covers similar territory but a touch less bleak I recommend Firekeeper’s Daughter by Angeline Boulley. It’s wonderful and I loved it. When I was looking up the author’s name just now I discovered that a sequel came out in 2023 so I’m guessing that’s also amazing.

    9. Lynda*

      I picked up The Parable of the Sower by Octavia Butler at a little free library a few months ago, and started it a few days ago when I saw some online comments that the first day in the distopian book is tomorrow, July 20, 2024. We’re not there yet, but it’s all too believable for the future.

      2. boggy*

        Parable of the Talents is fantastic too, and frighteningly relevant! I had to take a yearlong break between the two though to mentally prepare myself.

    10. vombatus ursinus*

      I finished Book Lovers by Emily Henry, which was fine. I don’t know, I almost never really enjoy romance novels, yet I keep giving them another try when I hear about one that has a lot of buzz around being great and inventive and unconventional. But I think it’s just not my thing?

      For a book club, I’m reading Safe Haven by Shankari Chandran, a novel dealing with Australia’s treatment of asylum seekers and refugees and the offshore detention system. It seems to be closely inspired by some real events but with a fictional murder mystery mixed in. I’m not sure what I think about it as a story yet, but as of now I would say I think it’s bringing attention to the wider issue in some compelling ways.

    11. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      Black Bird Oracle – new book in All Souls (aka Discovery of Witches) trilogy by Deborah Harkness.

    12. IrishEm*

      I haven’t been able to read for the last four or five years, but I recently rediscovered the joy of audiobooks!

      I went on a self-help kick. Listened to many through Spotify. I really enjoyed James Clear’s Atomic Habits. I know it’s popular for a reason, but I find it really difficult to start new habits (I have a lot of chronic pain and fatigue related disabilities and some executive function issues), so some of the advice didn’t work, but adding new habits to existing ones? Life changing :D

      Also really enjoyed When Things Don’t Go Your Way by Haemin Sunim. Some lovely Zen Buddhism philosophy for how to accept things going worng in your life. I definitely needed it the last few months Really lovely, and I liked the reader they chose as well. I was recommended it by a Taiwanese friend and it was such a good listen.

      2. Bluebell Brenham*

        These sound like good books but I think I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that audiobooks are not for me. I do like listening to music, and some podcasts, but I’m bad at concentrating when it comes to audiobooks. I’d much rather read something printed. My library summer bingo has two audiobook squares. I made it through one but the second one I’m three chapters in and I’m pretty sure it will be DNF for me.

    13. CityMouse*

      I’ve been looking forward to getting Lev Grossman’s new book, The Bright Sword. hoping to pick up a copy today.

    14. word nerd*

      Alison recently recommended I Hope This Finds You Well, whose title immediately hooked me, and I feel like the AAM audience would appreciate some of the humor and office politics, but I found it really hard to suspend my disbelief that everything would work out fine despite the protagonist’s spying on everyone’s emails and DMs…

      I enjoyed the historical romance The Heir and the Spare by Kate Stradling. I first discovered Stradling through Kindle Unlimited, and I’m surprised that she doesn’t seem to have a wider readership.

    15. GoryDetails*

      Carrying-around book: Navel Gazing: True Tales of Bodies Mostly Mine (But Also My Mom’s Which I Know Sounds Weird) by Michael Ian Black, essays by the author on a variety of topics. I’ve only just started it so I don’t know how well I’ll like it, but I do like picking up books with unusual titles!

      The Man From The Train by Bill James and Rachel McCarthy James, an examination of a series of vicious axe-murders in the early 1900s – including the infamous Villasca killings. I’ve read a LOT of true crime over the decades, and so far I’m finding this one both informative and entertaining – the authors get chatty at times, addressing the reader directly to explain why one case is or is not a likely candidate for another of the serial killer’s jobs. (They also insert a pun here and there, which… I’m not so keen on, but folks’ mileage may vary on that.)

    16. Professor Plum*

      I just finished Shark Heart: A Love Story by Emily Habeck. I heard about this unusual book from several people before deciding to put it on hold. At first it just sounded odd to me—a man is transitioning into a great white shark as if that’s a totally normal thing to happen. And it is an odd premise, but it’s also a profound, fascinating, captivating, mesmerizing journey into the nuances of love and change, dreams and disappointments. It’s a debut novel from the author and I thoroughly enjoyed the writing, the varying points of view and the changeup in styles. I think this is one that will linger in my thoughts for a very long time.

    17. Seashell*

      I just finished Same as It Ever Was by Claire Lombardo. I would say it was good, but not the greatest thing ever.

    18. Nicki Name*

      I’m working my way through Ovidia Yu’s Crown Colony series. They’re murder mysteries set in Singapore, starting in 1936 and progressing though WWII and onward. Not cozies, but not incredibly grim either. The sort of thing you could easily imagine being adapted to a short TV series that shows up on Britbox.

    19. germank106*

      The Family Experiment by John Marss. Not my usual genre but it had me absolutely riveted.

    20. Reluctant Mezzo*

      I’ve recently read both Shades of Grey and Red Side Story by Jasper Fforde–both books are Different in the way Fforde specializes in and less twee than some of his other works. I enjoyed both immensely (and very happy to have complete color vision, etc.).

      1. carcinization*

        I’ve been waiting for Red Side Story for ever so long since I read Shades of Grey when it first came out, but it’s just sitting on a side table in my living room right now as I’ve had a rather tumultuous summer. But I’m definitely looking forward to getting into it when I can!

    21. Justin*

      Zadie Smith’s first short story collection, Grand Union. Interesting vignettes about young-middle-aged urban (not a euphemism, just, people in cities) people analyzing race and gender. Good stuff.

    22. Mobie's Mom Now*

      Rereading The Borrowers series by Mary Norton, which I first read as a kid. Currently finishing the 2nd in the series, The Borrowers Afield. I’m enjoying it as summer reading!

      1. I take tea*

        The Borrowers Afield is my favourite. I used to play Borrowers with my dolls in the woods when I was little :-)

    23. Elizabeth West*

      There’s a book club at work (online), and they chose Excavations by Kate Myers. It’s about these four disparate women on an archaeological dig in Greece with an esteemed and narcissistic professor.

      I finished it on the bus yesterday — it’s funny, the writing is really enjoyable, and the characters are well-defined and both mesh and clash effectively. The undergraduate students (known as “Ugs”) are hilarious. They form a riotous backdrop to the four main characters’ experiences.

      Reading it, I couldn’t help thinking about my archaeology class trip to the old Koster Site and the Center for American Archeology in college. (I learned how to knap flint, dig clay, properly excavate the side of a test pit, and I found a stone tool in the plow zone–yay me, haha). There was a dig on the Sac River not too far from where I lived in Missouri around 1997, and the book made me wish I’d participated somehow. :)

    24. boggy*

      I’m onto the second half of The Secret History and so far enjoying it far more than the second half of The Goldfinch. No rest for the wicked, and all that.

    1. Two-Faced Big-Haired Food Critic*

      I got my plush Olympic mascot! I’m calling her Nathalie, for Nathalie Baye, the actress. I’m a bug on the Olympics *and* a collector of stuffed animals.

      (The mascot is a phryge: one of those bicorn hats. In plush form, though, it’s a red triangle, with sneakers and stripy socks.)

        1. Chocolate Teapot*

          I was in Paris the other week and went into the Olympic merchandise shop, which has a whole pyramid of phryges. They come in different sizes from ones on keyrings to one about as tall as a toddler.

    2. Past Lurker*

      There’s a bunny living somewhere in front of my building. Sometimes it freezes as I’m walking past, and if I stop moving it’ll just stay there and let me admire it for a bit.

      1. Distracted Procrastinator*

        We have little bunnies in our subdivision. They come visit our back yard and can be seen hopping around the yards all over the place. I love them. Seeing their little white tails as they hop away is a small moment of joy.

    4. goddessoftransitory*

      Peanut cat seems to back to pretty much normal, despite having barfed on the only carpet in the Air BnB (we cleaned it all up, don’t worry.) He even played with his catnip banana and toy mice this morning! He’s handling this whole thing a lot better than I have, for sure.

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          About a month ago the apartment above ours had their hot water heater break and send fifty gallons down through the building walls. The water decided to pool in our place, hooray, and we had to move out while the place got dried out and remodeled. We paid movers to put everything in the basement and our patio and the workers are in there painting and putting in new flooring.

          We had to check into an Air BnB for a week and a half, and Peanut is 17 years old so I was really worried how he’d handle it. But he’s been full of beans and settled in better than we have!

    5. allathian*

      We went to the John Howe art ehibition in Tampere. He’s mainly known for his fantasy art and he was largely responsible for the “look” of the LotR and Hobbit movie trilogies and the Rings of Power show. I’ve recently re-read Robin Hobb’s Realm of the Elderlings books and it was cool to see some of those illustrations in a large format, too.

      1. I take tea*

        Oh, I might go and see that too, thank you for the tip. Somehow Tampere isn’t on my mental map, even if it isn’t that far.

    6. Cookies For Breakfast*

      I applied for a thing that, if successful, could help me find a way back to one of my long-abandoned side projects (food writing). I expect a swift rejection, but the fact I sent that email is significant and makes me happy, because it isn’t often that I ignore the “you’re not remotely good enough” voice in my head and go for the opportunity. I’m very slowly learning to undo that :)

    7. The Prettiest Curse*

      I’m on holiday! And it looks like the great British summer might actually provide some sun, instead of raining a lot like it did last year.

    8. Janesfriend*

      I have mini magnolia flowers blooming on branches in vases in my house. I wish I could add a picture, they are so gorgeous . It’s winter here so the flowers are extra joyful.

    9. Annie Edison*

      I saw the touring production of Company this week! It’s one of my absolute favorite musicals and this was my first time seeing it performed live.
      I don’t think I liked the gender swap in this production, but I’m still so so happy to have the experience of seeing the show on stage

    10. Green Mug*

      I saw a Bald Eagle swoop down and try to catch a fish out of a lake. That’s the first time I saw one in nature. It was awesome!

      1. fposte*

        My favorite kayaking lake must have a nest, because one has swooped across my bow on two different outings in the same area of the lake. They really are beautiful.

    11. iced americano*

      I saw a hummingbird in our yard – we do not live in a place where this is super common. It hung around for a while too, so it was more than just a glimpse. It felt absolutely magical.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        Hummingbirds are so sweet. I saw a raven not too long ago. It was the first time I’d ever seen a wild one. It was huge!

    12. The OG Sleepless*

      I’m getting my kitchen cabinets painted! I’ve lived in this house for 20 years and have hated the cabinets the entire time.

        1. The OG Sleepless*

          Getting a new deck was the best thing we ever did for this house. I love sitting outside to read, and a nice outdoor space is really important to me.

      2. allathian*

        We finally bought a new low table for the living-room. The laminayed surface of the old one had started flaking off. The space in front of our couch looks so much better now.

      3. Seashell*

        I was just talking to my husband about wanting to do that. We’ve been in the house 20 years, and the cabinets are kind of an orange-y medium brown. I’m tired of the color, and whenever I tried to scrub them too hard, some of the colors seems to come off.

        What color did you pick?

        1. The OG Sleepless*

          It’s the same off white shade as the trim. Currently it’s that light/medium brown that screams 80s. I have dark composite countertops so I’m hoping the contrast will look nice.

          1. Venus*

            I got mine professionally painted (sprayed) off white and countertops a black with dark gray. The combo looked really good!

    13. WellRed*

      Finding a lovely email from someone complimenting a piece I wrote that week when I logged in that day.

    14. fposte*

      Finally called the roofer about a likely leak (ceiling paint had started peeling radically in one spot). They came out within the week, patched the caulking hole that was the likely source, and didn’t charge me because they had installed the roof, even though that was probably 10 years ago. Sometimes the joy is what *doesn’t* happen.

    15. Mitchell Hundred*

      For a while now I’ve been wondering if there’s a name for the thing where people use the definite article and a generic noun to refer to something specific (e.g. if I were to say “the Duke of Wellington”, most people probably wouldn’t assume I meant the current living holder of that title, because there’s a previous Duke of Wellington who’s way more famous). Anyway, this week I was reading a book about something completely unrelated, and one of the people writing in it referred to that phenomenon as a “self-evident context.” I don’t know if that’s a widely used term, but as far as I’m concerned that’s what the phenomenon is called now. I’m just really glad to be able to put a name to the face.

        1. the cat's ass*

          thank you! A documentary/oral history/archive of a unique GS exchange program in our city that with a city in Japan has been in existence for 40 years and no one had put together a history. Took her 2 years.

    17. Water Everywhere*

      I’ve been fostering a very senior (17yo) cat for the past week. Very sweet but not at all active due to a bad shoulder…until I sat on the couch today with my fried chicken takeout (my first meal with meat since he’s been here) and he jumped right up beside me and nearly dove into my plate like he’d never seen food before. Had to laugh at him, the poor starved kitty who absolutely does not have any food available to him ever, no that bowl right over there cannot possibly be his.

    18. Filosofickle*

      A friend suggested a trip to the community pool, and I decided to treat us to a backyard pool rental (like Airbnb, for pools by the hour) so we could have a kid-free private swim with pool floats :D

    19. Elizabeth West*

      Amazon Prime Day (I know, I know!) happened and I splurged on a pair of beautiful pale moonstone blue Bose headphones at 43% off. I really needed something better than my stupid phone earbuds to block out multiple surrounding calls at work — when people around me are also on calls, I can’t hear what’s going on in mine without turning the volume way up, which is stressful and not good for my eardrums.

      I’m not generally a fan of app-controlled anything, but they work like regular headphones when they’re plugged in with the cable. All the other bells and whistles only work when they’re turned on with Bluetooth (I’m not done setting them up yet). Even without that, they still block out quite a bit of background noise. And they cover my whole ear in a very comfy fashion, not like the cheaper ones that press down and hurt after a while. Oh yeah, and they came with a hard case. They’re also really pretty.

      I never thought I’d own a pair of these — I was ready to just go with mid-range noise canceling headphones — but I LOVE them.

      1. Radiant*

        I bought a pair last year (but not in such a beautiful colour – mine are just plain black) and they’ve been a game-changer! They’re great in the office, but I also get good use out of them on my commute, which means I’m in a much more pleasant mood once I get to work haha.

    20. Seeking Second Childhood*

      A phenomenal assortment of birds in my yard this week!

      Eastern bluebirds. Carolina wrens. Catbirds. A hawk pn the wire 20 feet from me ( I think red shouldered but i’m not good with hawks.) House finches (the usonian ones, red). Chipping sparrows. Crows ‐and at the fountain in town, ravens!!

    21. Dancing sparks joy*

      I have been on a dance meet up this week and have danced day and night to my hearts content. Also met a lot of lovely people. Sore feet, but happy heart!

    22. A Girl Named Fred*

      I finally got my earlobes re-pierced! I was a little nervous about going to an actual piercing shop but wanted an expert to handle it, and she was so kind and friendly that I am so so glad I did. Absolutely worth the extra cost involved IMO.

      I also got my tester kit for a small business in the mail! I applied to be a test assembler for their adventurer kit so I’m really excited to dive into that project and then share my feedback with them. As someone who’s getting into UX/UI, it was a perfect opportunity to get a little experience in the area AND I’ll have a cool storage container for my D&D bits and bobs once I’m done.

      1. A313*

        I got my ears re-pierced a couple of years ago, also by a professional piercer. I had given up on earrings for years because my lobes would get red, hot, and painful after I put earrings in. Now, I only wear titanium earrings, and no problems! If you’re in the same boat, I can recommend Tini Lux earrings, in particular.

        Also, I bought some saline solution to spray on my lobes to clean them a couple of times a day right after piercing (besides very gently rinsing them in the shower), and I found it very helpful. Not that you asked ;)

        1. A Girl Named Fred*

          I haven’t had that issue, but I appreciate the brand rec nonetheless! My problem was mainly laziness in not wanting to put earrings in, so I just went waaaay too long without any in, banking on the fact that they’d been open for 20 years, surely they wouldn’t close up…. Turns out that’s not how that works lol.

          And that’s exactly the aftercare my piercer recommended, so it’s good to know that it works well! ;) My main “issues” right now are 1) I play a lot of computer games so I’m trying not to wear my good headphones until at least a couple days have passed, but my laptop is loud AF so I can’t hear anything well and 2) I’m a side sleeper so my sleep is gonna be a little wonky these first few days until the initial tenderness goes back down.

          But it’s gonna be super worth it to finally get to wear some of these cute polymer clay earrings I’ve been finding!! I have a pair that’s literally a shelf with books and plants on it, and it was one of the reasons I finally decided, “OKAY I’M DOING THIS ASAP” lol

    23. BellaStella*

      Camping this weekend with 3 friends was really nice. I am chilling out at home now, getting unpacked and organised for the week.

    24. RagingADHD*

      Gave myself a wolf cut in the bathroom yesterday with the 2-ponytail method, razored the ends to feather them, and it turned out SO PRETTY.

    25. Rage*

      After months of (typical, bureaucratic) delay by US Fish & Wildlife, the transfer permits were approved and we were able to transport our 2 new educational birds of prey from Arizona to Kansas.

      Which means that my backyard is now home to a Peregrine falcon and a great horned owl!

    26. BikeWalkBarb*

      Spent the week in Baltimore at a conference. After the conference wrapped up my brother and his wife came down from their home in Virginia to go touristing with me for a day and then I had a day to myself. Took several suggestions from my question about Baltimore on an earlier weekend thread. The American Visionary Arts Museum was absolutely fantastic; the farting button in the basement was a big hit with my brother. We have video to prove it. The Baltimore art museum is also incredible with a great collection of Matisse and a new effort to indigenize the museum. We also took a water taxi ride and went up to the viewing on the 27th floor in the World Trade Center. All in all great and I loved having the free circulator to get around. Light rail from the airport to the Inner Harbor was only $2. Loved walking along the waterfront. I couldn’t possibly get to everything that people suggested and I may have to come back one of these days.

  4. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

    There is a bunny on the grounds of my work. I always think of bunnies as good luck.

        2. goddessoftransitory*

          I saw a bun bun on the way home from work a couple weeks ago! It’s very amusing to spot them hopping about on Capitol Hill.

          1. ghost_cat*

            I live in Canberra, Australia and if you drive through the centre of the city, you’re bound to see them. Laws vary throughout Australia and I grew up in a State where keeping rabbits as pets is unlawful except in limited circumstances. Despite living here for a few years now, I’m still that little kid who exclaims ‘bunnies!’ when driving past.

            1. goddessoftransitory*

              Hah, I’ve been rereading In A Sunburned Country and just finished the part where Bryson talks about those infamous first 24 bunnies!

    2. peter b*

      I saw three bunnies all clustered near a fence together on my way back from the corner store after hauling a big mirror home, and I felt similarly blessed by some luck. Agreed.

    3. Shakti*

      Yes!! Bunnies are always good luck for me and my husband! So much so that we had a pair of them in fondant on our wedding cake!

    4. allathian*

      I’m lucky enough to see bunnies at least weekly, if not more.

      Last week I saw two deer on our neighbor’s lawn.

    5. Miss Buttons*

      We have many bunnies in our backyard, every day. Ever since the pandemic the population has skyrocketed. I love watching them hop and cavort. They know our dog isn’t quick enough to catch them, which is amusing.

    6. GoryDetails*

      I find rabbits adorable – but also pests in the veggie garden; hence, I’ve had to get more and more innovative re fencing off anything that I don’t want to become rabbit-chow. (Before there were so many rabbits there were groundhogs, and even the chipmunks can be pests – they tend to take one bite out of each tomato or eggplant, apparently to see if they like it, but having decided they don’t want to eat any more of that one they keep trying, ’til the entire crop is neatly nibbled.)

      1. Reluctant Mezzo*

        I have a friend who is a Serious Gardener, and her comments on the streaming of Peter Rabbit and its sequel offered an alternate look at both movies.

        1. Venus*

          I only grow tomatoes and beans and asparagus so I don’t mind visiting buns, but I’m glad my dogs keep most wildlife out of the yard. Squirrels are the worst! If I were to grow things like carrots then I would fence it all up.

    7. WoodswomanWrites*

      I learned this week that the bunny species in my area, the brush rabbit, doesn’t live in a burrow. Instead, the rabbits just hide under bushes. I thought all rabbits used burrows so that’s interesting to know.

    8. CanadaGoose*

      Aw, yay. Rabbits have also picked my neighborhood to live, and it’s one of the joys of city life to watch them and the squirrels.

  5. sad blueberry muffin*

    Has anyone moved from NYC to DC? I have the option to move and my salary would be the same.

    Mid-20s, living alone with a doggo for context – would probably tend towards Dupont / Logan Circle in DC

    asked a few weeks ago but I’d love to get more opinions :)

    1. Not the Grinch*

      What specifically do you want opinions on? I’ve lived in DC but not in NYC, so maybe not who ya want to hear from anyhow. :-)

    2. CityMouse*

      I’ve lived in the DMV for a long time and NYC briefly. It really depends on what you’re into. If you’re more outdoorsy, I’d say DC. If you’re more into nightlife, I’d say NYC. I have asthma and I struggled a bit more in NYC with it particularly in the winter. DC has the notorious humidity in the summer, however. COL can be maybe slightly lower in DC, but Dupont is an expensive area. DC has a lot of big city amenities but definitely not as much as NYC. If you’re making the decision based on your dog alone, I think DC is slightly more dog friendly, but that’s really dependent on where you live.

      What specifically are you looking for in a move? what kind of activities do you prioritize?

    3. Warrant Officer Georgiana Breakspear-Goldfinch*

      I disliked DC profoundly after college in NYC, but that was at least in part because the job I moved for was awful. I stand by my hatred of the metro system (single tracking is the woooooorst), and I really struggled to find community, even though one of my closest friends already lived there. The weather, especially in the summer, is not fit for man or beast.

      1. Arcade Kitten*

        Metro here is terrible. Old trains with smelly carpet, terrible hours, missing trains. Ugh.

    4. libellulebelle*

      I found it easy to make friends in DC since so many people are from somewhere else. Lots of work happy hours, that kind of thing. The flip side of that is that it’s a pretty transient place—a lot of people come for a few years and then leave. My DC days are now about 15 years ago, but I found it a much less interesting city than NYC, but easier to live in.

      1. CityMouse*

        I didn’t find it hard to make friends in DC but I had a friend from college who grew up there. I also went to law school in DC so I met people there.

      2. EngineeringFun*

        Agreed. Easy to make friends but super transient. Also lots of suits. I work as an engineer and had to get dressed up for happy hour after work. Also notice peoples pins or lanyards. It tells you who people work for. Everyone works for someone important. I lived in capital hill with roommates and it very walkable.

    5. M2*

      Can you go down and visit? DuPont and Logan can be expensive but I found DC a bit cheaper than NYC. If you love outdoors and free museums head to DC. I’m more into policy so I love it. I have friends who make fun of DC fashion as NYC is more “fashionable.”

      I think it also depends on what you do for your career. Are there more opportunities there for growth? Tons of different places to work if you want to move or change careers. I find DC has a lot of networking opportunities. I would also maybe live where you could walk to work. Did you look in Navy Yard and Capital Hill? I prefer NW- DuPont, Woodly, etc but have a lot of friends who love Navy Yard/ CH.

      I say go for it you’re young and if you don’t like it you can move back in a couple years. I prefer DC to NYC whereas my partner loves NYC.

      Humidity in the summer is a bummer though.

    6. The Cosmic Avenger*

      We moved from Queens to Montgomery County, MD, and it didn’t feel all that different, maybe more suburban. I think the biggest shock will be that the Metro CLOSES overnight, and there are very few (if any) places open really late or all night, unlike NYC. Definitely smaller, although you still get a lot of variety of cuisines and neighborhoods.

      The good news is that you can take the bus back up to NYC for a few bucks each way, if you’re trying to save money. Personally, I prefer Amtrak, and if you purchase far enough in advance the Acela can be pretty close in price to the regular NE Regional, but years ago I only took the bus.

      1. Charley*

        I’ve not lived in NYC, but have spent time there visiting family and have lived in DC for many years. I love DC. It definitely feels smaller and less 24/7 eventful, but there is still a lot going on and lots of ways to find community. You may be surprised by how southern-inflected some of the culture is (I live near Atlanta now and there are things here that do and don’t remind me of home). DC, like NYC, is a great urban park city – highly recommend exploring Rock Creek and Malcolm X/Meridian Hill.

    7. Opinionated*

      I’ve lived in/near DC my whole life. I have a bunch of friends who live in NY.

      Honestly? Are you exhausted by living in NY? Are you trying to leave? Do you need to live somewhere cheaper? Do you have a family-based reason to move to DC?

      I really can’t see why anyone would want to move to DC from NY unless they were actively trying to leave NY or live somewhere cheaper. DC stinks. It’s all transient people or like, locals and lifer feds. (Hello from a local lifer fed!) You can make a cool life for yourself but NY has more to offer, for sure.

  6. Jackalope*

    Gaming thread! Share what you’ve been playing and give or request recs. As always, all games are welcome and not just video games.

    I’ve gotten a little bit of Final Fantasy 9 in, it not a ton of gaming this week because I’ve been busy. I’m looking forward to finding a bit more time to do some gaming, though.

    1. IrishEm*

      TTRPGs: I’ve been watching the live stream of my friend’s TTRPG Fey Earth (Tuesdays on Twitch 8-10pm GMT) and I cackled as his own NPC accidentally critted his BBEG meaning the massive boss fight he planned ws over in about 10mins.

      Video Games: I’ve recently got back into the Dragon Age games after a hiatus, and I’m really enjoying playing against my usual type in Origins. It’s so fun.

      Toys: I got the Lego Colosseum in the 2020 lockdown. In 2022 my gf and I actually started it. Every few months we have a date night and make more of it. Last week we got to the end of the third box (of four) of stages of building. The Colosseum is not yet complete obviously, but it definitely looks Colosseum-ish now :)

    2. Roche*

      Lately I’ve been playing Gwent: Thronebreaker for the third time. I really like the gameplay and the story, and having to really think about my choices starting from the beginning as they affect the possible endings.
      After finishing that, I tried the demo version of Banishers: Ghosts of New Eden but had to stop, because I started to get motion sickness from the camera bobbing during sprinting even though it was minor. The game itself seemed very intriguing and I just hope that there will be a patch or update that gives the option to disable camera bobbing.

      1. Jackalope*

        That’s one of the things I too dislike about some video games; when they don’t work out a good way for the camera angle to work. This is a different, related issue but I’m playing one game right now that in certain contexts makes it almost impossible to see what I’m actually trying to see and it’s driving me up the wall!

    3. Warrior Princess Xena*

      I’ve been enjoying the newest DLC for A Little to the Left, which is a very chill organizing game. A+ sound and art design!

      Also kitting up to run my first DnD campaign, hopefully on Monday. Crossing all my fingers that it goes well.

      1. dontbeadork*

        Good luck with your first D&D campaign. Remember that no one likes a total party kill, so leave one adventurer alive to recruit new victims — adventurers!

        Also, it is not a crime to slightly fudge your dice rolls to make the story flow, just don’t get so locked into how the story should go that you railroad your players. Have a plan B and plans C, D, and E for when your players just don’t pick up on the clues you expected to be blindingly obvious.

        1. Warrior Princess Xena*

          Thank you!

          Due to our collective relative inexperience I’ve let the whole table know I’m starting with a box set (Lost Mines of Phandelver) and there may be some early game improvisation flailing. I’ve been reading through the DM’s guide and a book I picked up called “so you want to be a Game Master” and it’s been talking a lot of sense.

          I have heard that campaign can be pretty deadly early on so I might toss in a throwaway level NPC or two as a party buff until we all get the hang of combat. We’ll see how it goes.

          1. Shiara*

            The biggest danger is mostly the first encounter. If the goblins get the drop on the party, and take full advantage of being able to hide to snipe from the bushes, that increases the likelihood of crits and first level characters are very squishy. Especially casters. If you’re worried, you can have the goblins be hilariously incompetent. And don’t target the wizard.

            Good luck! Lost mines of Phandelver is a good first choice.

    4. Shiara*

      I stumbled on info that a visual novel whose development I was excitedly following almost a decade ago has released for early access. I haven’t picked it up yet, but I’m intrigued to see if 7 Kingdoms Princess Problem is as fun as I remember it.

      Also prepping for a DND session next weekend. The problem is that I’m not sure exactly which plot threads the party will follow up on next. Finishing clearing out the pirate hideout should only take the first hour or so, but I have no idea where they’ll want to go next. Time to prep some travel encounters and maybe some map props…

    5. Spiritbrand*

      I’ve decided to ignore the privacy concerns I had about The First Descendant and give it a try.

      This weekend, my best friend and his wife are coming over and we are going to play the very involved updated board game: Return to Dark Tower. I’m pretty excited.

  7. SBT*

    I read an article recently about “medium friends” from the NYT and it’s been rattling in my brain ever since. I have a couple medium friends that truly do vex me. They definitely would consider themselves closer to me than I consider myself to them. And I think one has an expectation of being invited to group outings/trips/etc. when in reality, I’m probably the only person in the group with an actual friendship with them – everyone else would consider them more of an acquaintance. Has anyone figured out how to balance their “medium friends”?

    1. Catherine*

      I have a perfect set of medium friends and the trick is that we tend to frequent the same bars and hobby meetups but don’t connect on social media. If we run into each other in the wild (which depends entirely on how much we’re each going out, so there’s an element of chance) we move to sit together and then have a lovely time catching up and discussing our shared interests. We might follow each other on Twitter but generally don’t DM each other or exchange actual phone numbers.

      The part where medium friendship falls apart for me is the point at which the other party wants more. I’m really happy to see someone twice a month by chance, but some people eventually push for way more meetups and attempt to escalate emotional intimacy past where I’d like to let them in. That usually results in me losing the friendship, because when I decline to let the person further into my life (not taking late night phone calls, not letting them come over to my home, etc) and tell them I’m satisfied with the level we’ve been interacting at, they are (understandably) hurt and angry that I won’t reciprocate their intensity.

    2. Busy Middle Manager*

      What was the thesis of the article?

      I have a love/hate relationship with this genre of writing. On the one hand, we could use more terms to describe specific common experiences. On the other hand, writing an article where you define a term and then leave it at that, sometimes reads like faux intellectualism. All of the articles on “third spaces” over the past decade seemed split between either category Some would say intelligent things and research trend in third spaces; others took seven paragraphs to say “there’s a name for places that aren’t home or work, isn’t that deep?!”

      With regards to this concept, I hope they did something positive with it. One thing I noticed moving around in my 20s and early 30s was how ridiculously rigid so many friends groups people had had already become. Lots of inpenetrable groups that I wasn’t even trying to get into. Lots of “pre-screening” to get an invite to anything that felt a tad much. And I’d be there like, we’re 25, nothing should be this deep yet, but also, I just asked you to go to dinner, not to move in with me:-/.

      Put another way, in the post-covid WFH world, I don’t think anyone needs more fodder to over-analyze potential friendships and relationships. Personally I am against rating friends like this. I just talk to whoever, invite whoever to whatever at this point.

      In your case, using a group trip as an example, being friends with one person and having a passing acquaintance would be enough to be invited on a trip in my book! Unless you truly don’t think they’d fit in. Maybe I’m feeling extra social because working alone so much lately is wearing on me

      1. Maggie*

        Yeah I’m an extreme more the merrier type, and anyone who’s “medium” is welcome to be closer if they want! Or come to things unless there’s some reason I think it truly wouldn’t work

    3. ThatGirl*

      I don’t understand what’s wrong with just calling these people friends. I have friends I see regularly at work, friends I text with daily, friends I see once a year… they’re all my friends!

      1. allathian*

        Indeed. I don’t see my *bestie* more than once every two months or so. I’d be open to seeing her a bit more often, but she’s very busy so I don’t push. There’s no person outside my family that I’d want to see more than once a month at this point in my life.

      2. fposte*

        Yes, and it was interesting to me that the article writer viewed it as innovative when her friend ranked all their friends into categories, since everybody I knew had a bout of that in grade school.

        But I think we’re in an era where taxonomy gets much greater priority than it used to; people are much likelier to categorize things finely. I personally lean toward your approach but I’m on the older side.

        That being said, I definitely have and am medium friends with some people, and I like it a lot. The tricky thing, as always no matter how you define it, is if one friend wants to be closer or you used to be closer. I guess that’s one use of the concept of medium friends, in that it names a place for somebody losing closeness that isn’t abandonment, just a different category. There’s definitely one friend who used to be a super close friend that I’m now medium friends with, mostly led by her. It stung a little at first but I like being medium friends with her now.

        1. ThatGirl*

          Sure, it can be tricky when there is an imbalance but that’s true no matter what you call it.

          1. fposte*

            Right. And I think some people like having a term to discuss negotiating those relationships, whereas like you I find that a little prescriptive. I blame TV Tropes :-).

    4. Ellis Bell*

      I think categories like these just signify someone gaining experience with the limits of geek social fallacies. Yes, we learn in school that ostracisers are evil, and putting friendship first before all else can be beneficial but trying to maximise every friendship into intense closeness just leads to seeing the relationship as a failure if it doesn’t get there, or to feelings of guilt. I agree with other posters that I would just call them friends, and ditch the fallacies about what friendships are supposed to look like. So long as everyone is participating in a way they feel comfortable with, that has a value that doesn’t need to be ranked or negatively described. If you have a person you send the occasional meme to, and enjoy light hearted hobby conversation with, that’s called joy. It’s called friendship, even if it never becomes something you can lean on in an emergency. Most importantly it’s sincere and isn’t pretending to be something else, unless it organically happens. Yeah, it’s awkward if a friendship gets a little lopsided in terms of expectations but this is how we find out balance with people; taking the risk of trying for what we want, accepting the response, remaining open to possibilities.

      1. Sloanicota*

        It’s almost like we need a different word for those few friends who go beyond friendship and into the category of “people you can feel comfortable leaning on in an emergency” – I suppose “found family” has this sense to it. The mutual obligation implied there is a different standard than the people I love to go to brunch with or even take weekend trips with, and naturally it has to be a limited subset if you’re giving as good as you get. Plus, this would give us the language to discuss the betrayal you can feel when someone you put in this category ends up backing off during the time of need. Trying to discuss this can otherwise makes you seem a bit batty, as it seems you’re not “supposed” to have an expectation of mere friends, after all.

        1. Ellis Bell*

          I think if there was a word, then you’d have to have the “talk” before applying the word to each other. A bit like “Are you my boyfriend/girlfriend? Or are we just dating ?” Huh, maybe it would clear up lots of confusion.

        2. BikeWalkBarb*

          This is where I use “best friend.” I have two truly best friends, and a sister and sister-in-law who also fall into that category. These are the people I would call in the middle of the night from jail should that ever arise (highest likelihood to arise would be thanks to a protest and they might be there so there’s that). These are the people I can ask things of without saying I’ll pay you back. They know we have a long-term reciprocity under way and no one is keeping score. Fortunately I live a mile and a half from one of these best friends. Time, errands, favors, and borrowed belongings wash back and forth between our two homes. It’s fantastic. This is the first time in my life I’ve ever lived that close to a best friend. Never moving.

          Anne Helen Petersen is working on a book on this whole topic of friendship and what friends do for each other that may be of interest and has some recent pieces in her Substack newsletter Culture Study.

    5. Sloanicota*

      There are a lot of people I’m grateful to have in one role of my life, but not necessarily eager to move into a closer role, which can be tough to balance and not always mutual. It’s a bit odd of me, perhaps; usually nothing to do with them, I’m just happy to keep things the way they are.

  8. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

    Crafting thread! What’s your project?

    I spun and plied some drop dead gorgeous black-on-rainbow yarn this past week and am planning to knit a scarf-and-wristers set for my bestie, and just now finished one ply of what will become a skein of two-ply polwarth yarn as a gift for another dear friend.

    1. Dark Macadamia*

      I bought a couple of Spoonflower’s embroidery templates and I’ve been having a lot of fun with them. They’re basically like a coloring book, just a pre-printed design with no instructions for how to complete it. I keep getting stuck on my bigger, more mentally challenging projects (I have a tendency to come up with ideas beyond my skill level and then stall when I get to the hard part) and it’s a nice way to keep stitching without needing to think about it.

      1. office hobbit*

        This is such a cool idea! Is there a list or category of those designs on Spoonflower, or do you just search until you find them?

        1. Dark Macadamia*

          You can search “embroidery template” on their website or Etsy shop and there’s a ton! They are all 6″ circle patterns printed on an 8×8 square of fabric.

      2. NicolaAgricola*

        I made a quilt for my cousin’s wedding. She was very happy with it, which was gratifying because absolutely nobody else in my family has wanted a quilt when I offered to make one (mother, brother, teen daughter and teen son).

        I’m currently crocheting the Terrazzo blanket by Tinna Thorudottir using colour changing yarn in pinks and greens and a pale lemon background. Nobody in mind for it really, just keeping my hands busy.

        1. NicolaAgricola*

          I just cannot get the hang of the nesting on here, I’m always posting in a slightly random location. :-)

    2. Past Lurker*

      Working on a knit hat, looking ok so far. It may be finished by the time it gets cold around here, lol

    3. Pippa K*

      Just finished warping my loom for a set of bright stripy face cloths. My first project back at the loom since hurting my back badly over a year ago, so I’m just pleased to be able to start something new.

    4. Banana Pyjamas*

      I finally mended my favorite dress. Well I guess I didn’t technically mend it. A seam ripped to the perfect length for a slit, and I did a rolled hem to either side. I did it by hand, and only a couple stitches showed through to the front. I’m pretty chuffed with the results.

    5. Phlox*

      Singular project??? err how about 5? I cut out a pair of shorts and pants this week, and finally got restarted on quilting a massive bed quilt. id been so focused previously on wanting to get it perfect that i wasn’t actually working on it, which meant it’s been chilling in the closet. Plus swatched yarn for socks. The other open projects didn’t get touched this week but I tend to be long haul, a little adds up to done type crafter so their time will come.

    6. Tinamedte*

      Yesterday, I made two butter knives out of juniper wood, very wonky looking and probably not very useful lol, but fun to make.

    7. Aneurin*

      I finished sewing a top out of leftover linen pieces from three other projects. It was a) a test run/toile and b) had to fit into the amount of available fabric so it’s not a great fit, but it’s a good basis from which to adjust the pieces for next time.

      Next up is one of three different shirt patterns I have on my to-sew list.

    8. Spacewoman Spiff*

      That sounds gorgeous! I’m swatching for a beautiful cabled sweater (Juniper Moon yarn…so soft and wonderful). I’ve been losing my mind a little because I don’t like swatching and my gauge is SO far off what the pattern calls for…they did it on 9s, I just finished my fourth swatch…on 6s. I’m hoping this one does it, if nothing else I’ve confirmed how important it is to swatch! I’m a tight knitter so this has been a strange journey into unfamiliar lands of smaller-than-called-for needles. :)

    9. Falling Diphthong*

      I am making a lap quilt for my daughter as a wedding present. It’s my first try at a stained glass quilt, and it’s turning out really pretty. One late-game piecing error that I have decided to lean into and add an inner border.

    10. ecnaseener*

      T minus one week until the wedding at which I want to wear the dress I’m currently hand-sewing! (I don’t trust myself with this slippery fabric on the machine.)

      It’s very close to done, honest…. the only things that strictly need to get done are the side seams of the lining, finishing the edges of the pocket openings, and pulling out all the visible thread-marking. It would be nice if I also had time to finish all the seams and redo part of the hem I’m not thrilled with, but it’ll still be wearable if not. Guess I better get to it!

    11. HamlindigoBlue*

      I’m working on a knit summer tee (Brightbay T-Shirt) using a cotton bamboo yarn. I’m almost finished with the body, and then it’s on to the sleeves.

    12. Susie*

      I love hearing about all of these projects.
      This week, I’ve blocked knitting 4 projects. Three are throw pillows and I still need to get the inserts, but it is nice to see the light at the end of the tunnel for a project I started 3+ years ago. I designed the pattern for two of the pillows and all the measurements turned out perfectly even though I had to do a pretty substantial pivot because I didn’t have enough yarn to finish the back on the last pillow (I knew I should have bought extra yarn!).

    13. My Brain is Exploding*

      Things have been just crazy here and so I have…ironed little fabric pieces. I have a bin of fabrics that belonged to my spouse’s grandma and am taking the bigger pieces to make tumbler blocks and sorting thru the rest of it. Oh, and I sewed exactly two strips of fabric together for what will be a tedious project, but I always wanted to try a Bonnie Hunter quilt and this one is called Silk Path. My goal for this year is to just get the first set of strips done and cut.

    14. Cardboard Marmalade*

      I finished sewing a dress for my bestie (the Pattern Fantastique Celestial maxi, in a lovely wax print with turquoise and orange on black). I’ve made this pattern a bunch and the only annoying/fiddly bit is that I haven’t figured out how to easily enclose the seams on the pockets and I hate gifting people things with unfinished seam edges that then unravel in the wash. So I painstakingly turned and stitched each side of each pocket seam by hand, and grumbled every minute of it.

      I’ve also almost finished a dress for myself (a lengthened version of the Friday Pattern Co’s Sagebrush top, in a delightfully absurd bright pink with trees and peacocks all over it), but got hung up because even though I’ve made the pattern 90 gajillion times, for some reason this time the bias binding at the back of the neckhole refuses to lay flat and even though it’s one of those things that probably nobody but me will ever notice, I’ve picked it out and redone it once already and am itching to try redoing it again because it bugs me so much. I am a Virgo, in case anyone was wondering.

    15. anonymous anteater*

      After years of admiring blog posts on refinishing furniture, I got meself a stapler to repair the underside of an armchair, where the springs broke through the backing fabric. I had a robust fabric in my stash and tried my hand at stapling something to a chair frame. Baby steps!

    16. Dancing Otter*

      I basted a quilt top on Wednesday, and I’ve gotten almost half of the quilting done so far. The EASY half, unfortunately, but that’s what happens working from the center out.

      This is my second attempt on this quilt: the batting and backing shifted the first time, requiring the whole thing be ripped out. So I’m taking no chances this time.

      When I finish this one, I have five more completed tops to baste and quilt. Basting is NOT my favorite part of quilt-making.

    17. Once too Often*

      I am paying the price of adapting a pattern & wool for a knit hat for a friend. It doesn’t look right, so need to figure out what to do instead. I’m not an experienced knitter, which sometimes shows in my assumptions about what changes work with patterns & which just don’t. (In this instance am using DK instead of worsted weight, & in further craziness one color is fingering which I’m holding double to make DK. For some reason the purl bumps are tiny, not prominent… )

    18. Elizabeth West*

      I framed a picture I made at a painting night sponsored by the building where my workplace is located. Unfortunately, a nice ready-made frame at Michael’s cost almost as much as having it framed — highway robbery, in my opinion. I marched right over to Home Sense and found a much cheaper one.

      But then I discovered I couldn’t take the mat out to recut the opening. :( So I had to cut it in situ. It’s a little wiggly on the edges, but the painting is up on my wall now. This will do until I can have it done properly or buy a better frame.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Framing is a tricky business: we paid a king’s ransom to frame a picture Husband did of our two cats (Peanut and the late, sweet Harvey) in the same pose as our favorite illustration from Bunnicula, with Peanut whaling on Harvey who’s wearing bunny ears. Weighs a LOT, too, but it was worth it to have it look professional.

    19. Hotdog not dog*

      I have, at long last, mastered the classic granny square and am now trying to decide what to do with them. I’ve seen some cute cardigans and tote bags made up of grannies. I’d like to do something that’s not an afghan, since I’ve got literally dozens of those already.
      When my great grandmothers (I was lucky enough to have two, and they both crocheted) taught me to crochet when I was a kid, I only learned how to do straight rows of basic stitches. Until 2020,
      everything I made was either a scarf or an afghan. I’ve since branched out to hats, cardigans, shawls, bags, coasters, water bottle holders, and now granny squares. One of my great grandmothers left me her collection of hooks and patterns, but I don’t think I’ll be able to follow any of them. They’re from the 1930s and 40s, and are in German. Some are handwritten, I framed one along with a sample swatch she had made for a lace tablecloth.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        There are some super cute patterns for assembling them together into cardigans and such, for sure. I actually never figured out granny squares – they always end up lopsided – but I am working on another blanket of “granny hexagons”. (I don’t know why I can do them six-sided but not four.)

        1. Hotdog not dog*

          I kind of have my eye on a piece that kind of looks like a combination vest/duster/cardigan. It appears to be about knee-length. The part that’s stopping me is that I would need more squares, and I want to make a finished project now!

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I just started in March, and I’ve been doing a Tour de Fleece spinning challenge for the last three weeks. Today is the finish line, and my last hoorah is plying the Polwarth (I mentioned spinning the first ply in my original post, and then spun the second ply yesterday, so today I have to put them together) and then also starting to knit something with my own handspun for the first time. :)

    21. eeek*

      I worked on prepping the next project – pre-washing and pressing fabric purchased at a destash event, deciding on what to make, and sorting out all of the pattern pieces so I can cut everything out from multiple lengths of coordinating prints. Since I am working with a projector mounted over my cutting table, that involves opening the pdf patterns in a software program and arranging pieces onto mock-ups of the actual fabric, and saving everything so I can cut them out over the next few days. This will be a super fiddly project – button up collared shirt PJ top and bottoms, with decorative piping and pockets. It’s just what my brain needs these days.

  9. Annie Edison*

    Tell me about a song/piece of music that makes you happy!

    I’m compiling a roadtrip playlist for an upcoming trip and I saw an idea recently on instagram where someone asked each person they met while traveling to name a song they love, and then put everything together into a playlist to commemorate the trip. I like the idea of connecting with strangers over music, but I’m adapting a bit and asking here instead. So tell me, commenters of AAM, what’s a song you love? I’d love to hear a story about why you like it, or a memory you associate with it, if you’d like to share.

    My tastes are eclectic and I enjoy being introduced to new genres/artists, so any style of music, with or without lyrics, and in any language, is welcome.

    1. Jay (no, the other one)*

      I’m 64 and it’s the music of my youth. Fleetwood Mac, especially “Landslide.” Billy Joel. “Born to Run,” of course. Also classical music, especially the Brandenburg Concerti.

      1. Anon Poster*

        I don’t care how many times my dad and all the classic rock stations play it, I will never, ever get sick of Born to Run.

      2. Filosofickle*

        Landslide is so moving! (And unfortunately in my memories it’s also tied a breakup.) Never Break the Chain is one that gets me, too.

      3. NoIWontFixYourComputer*

        The Brandenburgs are possibly the highest piece of art ever created by humankind.

      4. GoryDetails*

        Love “Born to Run”! Also, Jackson Browne’s “Running on Empty”. But I learned very quickly to set the cruise control if I’m going to listen to those; otherwise I tended to just keep pressing the accelerator farther down!

    2. Peanut Hamper*

      “Just Can’t Get Enough” by Depeche Mode. It’s so trippy and happy.

      Also, “Golden Brown” by The Stranglers, which is probably one of the prettiest songs about heroin addiction out there. (And also throws out a very “Welcome to the 1700’s” vibe.)

      1. Peanut Hamper*

        Also, The Dead South does a version of “People Are Strange” in double time with bluegrass instruments. I’ve always liked the previous versions, but this one is pretty damn cool!

      2. Peanut Hamper*

        Also want to add that anything by The Cars is just ear candy for me. I missed seeing them inducted in Cleveland by a year. “Drive” can still bring me to tears almost.

    3. Flower*

      Oh so many! But the last month or two I’m in love with some performances I saw on YouTube. One is “A Million Dreams” from the film The Greatest Showman, sung by a mom and son duo. It’s so fun and joyful. Their names are Jordan Rabjohn and Katherine Hallam, and they have a great time and sound wonderful. Likewise from YouTube is Lachune’s cover of Yellow from Coldplay. But my desert island song has never changed (the one and only thing I’d have to listen to if marooned) — Let it Be by the Beatles.

    4. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      70s-ish playlist: “Car Wash,” “YMCA,” “Macho Man,” “In the Navy,” “I Will Survive,” “She’s a Bad Mama Jama,” “Superfreak,” “Soul Bossa Nova” (= the Austin Powers theme),” “Last Dance,” “On the Radio,” “I Love the Nightlife,” the entire soundtrack from *Shaft*, “Copacabana,” “Take a Chance on Me.” And some honorable-mention bangers from a little later: “We’ve Got the Beat,” “Hey, Mickey,” “Lovefool.”

      For some slow songs, “New York State of Mind” and “For the Longest Time.”

      My ex and I used to drive to the soundtrack from *Shaft* — heads up, though: it can lead to speeding.

    5. anon24*

      Lately I’ve really been enjoying “Innerspace” by Soul Extract. Soul Extract makes futuristic/outer space/sciencey/computer themed songs and Innerspace is about how amazing the microscopic world is. There’s something about it that makes me happy whenever it comes onto my playlist

      Also in the same futuristic/computer/space theme, “Last Day of the Universe” by Raizer, which takes place in a lone space ship containing the last memories of our world. I had to listen to it a bunch of times before I could get into it because the opening kind of sucks but it’s a beautiful song.

    6. KathyG*

      “Walking on Sunshine” by Katrina and the Waves. It’s just so infectiously bubbly.

      1. Walking with Penguins*

        “Walking on Sunshine”, Footloose, and “Barefootin’ (Robert Paker) – apparently feet songs make me happy…

    7. Falling Diphthong*

      Unbelievable by EMF, which recently popped back up for me. It’s one of those very danceable ear worms.

      She’s a Rainbow by the Rolling Stones, which I somehow completely missed as a song. I liked it when used in Legion and again on Ted Lasso, the latter making enough of an impression that I started seeking it out.

      1. Filosofickle*

        Unbelievable came out when I was a senior in high school. For me it evokes that moment in time — 18 years old, excited for what’s next, going out dancing with my friends.

    8. goddessoftransitory*

      So many songs!

      “London Bridge,” The Clumsy Lovers
      “Take On Me,” Ah-Ha
      “Make Your Bed,” Niko Case
      “2oo More Miles,” The Cowboy Junkies
      “Life in a Northern Town,” The Dream Academy
      “Pop Goes The World,” Men Without Hats

      That’s off the top of my head…

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          It shall now forever be the Jeffster cover for me, on the finale of Chuck.

    9. old curmudgeon*

      Beethoven’s Choral Fantasy is a favorite of mine – a piano concerto with chorus at the end, singing in melodies that presage the Ninth (Choral) Symphony. I have been known to sing the alto part full-voice on road trips, much to the consternation of my traveling companions.

      Any of Bach’s Keyboard Concertos are also winners, especially if the pianist or harpsichordist is either Murray Perahia or Angela Hewitt. I frequently find myself butt-boogying whenever I listen to any of them.

      And for something completely different, try listening to Passaggio by Ludovico Einaudi, especially as performed by Angèle Dubeau and La Pieta. I find it achingly beautiful in its simplicity.

      Safe travels!

    10. Dark Macadamia*

      Daft Punk – the whole Random Access Memories album is amazing but my absolute favorite is “Lose Yourself to Dance”

      90s/00s pop punk – Blink 182, Good Charlotte, Fall Out Boy, Something Corporate, Sum 41

      Bob Marley

    11. Jay*

      I just can’t manage to keep a sour mood when Three Dog Night’s Joy To The World comes on the radio.
      All I have to hear is “Jerimiah was a bullfrog!!!” and I can’t help but smile.

      1. BikeWalkBarb*

        That song was one of my mom’s favorites. I always dance to it and I think of her.

    12. Rara Avis*

      When I drove from east coast to west with my college roommate to start my first job, we started every day with “Moving Right Along” (Kermit and Fozzie Bear). On cassette tape because I’m that old.

    13. Forrest Rhodes*

      I have a long list, but the first one that came to mind is Carole King’s “Been to Canaan.” Takes me to places I’ve lived and the people I’ve shared them with. Very happy thoughts.

    14. Anon Poster*

      Zero by Yeah Yeah Yeahs
      Steve McQueen by M83

      These two songs go on every playlist I make, ever. Exercise, road trips, work music, all of them. They’re both high energy, and there’s just something about Zero that for the few minutes I’m listening, I can pretend I’m as effortlessly cool as Karen O. I love Steve McQueen on running playlists because it makes me feel like I’m running dramatically in the middle of a movie scene. I love it on road trip playlists because it makes me feel nostalgic as hell, though I’ll never be able to articulate exactly why.

      Honorable mention goes to To the Top by Twin Shadow. This is drunk me’s favorite song. I love an over-the-top, super dramatic song. After a few glasses of wine, there’s just something about this one that has me dramatically performing along in a way that is very fun for me, and probably a lot less fun for whoever else happens to be in the room with me.

    15. My Brain is Exploding*

      I’ll throw in: “In the Mood” by Glenn Miller. Why? My parents were big band fans and this one makes me just want to get up and dance.

      1. Trina*

        Yes! My dad inherited a taste for big band from his mom, so our father-daughter dance at my wedding was actually In the Mood!

      2. The OG Sleepless*

        I used to play big band music while I was cooking dinner when my son was little. I had no idea he even remembered it, but some big band music came on the other day and he said it always made him think of dinnertime.

    16. Road trip*

      My must haves for roadtrips are are Indigo Girls – Get out the Map, Sheryl Crow – soak up the sun and Tom Petty – Runnin Down a Dream , Scissors Sisters – I don’t Feel like Dancin, Fun -We are Young , Soul Coughing – Super Bon Bon, BNL – If I had a million dollars and Beastie Boys- Fight for your right to Party

      2. tangerineRose*

        I love “Running Down a Dream”! I remember the first time I heard it on the radio thinking “I need to know who is singing this.”

      3. Tangerina Warbleworth*

        Beck: the entire Colors album. Also, I will never fail to smile when listening to Matthew Sweet’s song “Girlfriend”.

    17. Aphrodite*

      My favorite piece of music of all time is Jupiter (symphony no. 41) by Mozart as performed by Herbert von Karajan and the Berlin Philharmonic. It causes my heart, my soul and my entire body to soar along with it any time and any place. It is truly powerful.

    18. Happily Retired*

      Coupla (ok, three) songs that make me happy. And since they’re songs that make me happy, they’re not terribly complex or anything:

      Walking on Sunshine, by Katrina and the Waves

      Skindo-le-le, by Viva Brasil

      Fairground, by Simply Red

      All on YouTube

    19. Accidental Itinerant Teacher*

      The Longest Johns has an album called Land Shanties – it’s all songs styled and themed like sea shanties but about driving.
      The whole album makes for great roadtrip music but if I had to pick a favorite it would be either “Ode to the Road” or “A Mighty Wave”

    20. *daha**

      The 59th Street Bridge Song (Feeling Groovy) – Simon & Garfunkel
      Witchi-Tai-To – Brewer and Shipley
      Travelin’ Prayer – Billy Joel
      Fishin’ Blues – Taj Mahal

    22. LBD*

      Two of my go-to road trip albums are Meatloaf’s Bat Out of Hell, and Wallflower’s Bringing Down the Horse.
      If you want something in another language, I very much enjoy a Russian group called Otava Yo, that blends folk, rock and a bit of this and that. Check out their Youtube videos for Ivan the Crawfish (the first song of theirs that I came across), Cossack’s Lezginka, A Cat Has Four Legs, and Streetsweeper, which is comedy gold.

    23. Prince!*

      Prince: the entire Lovesexy album. It’s meant to be listened to as one continuous album; so much so that when it came out in 1988 the tracks weren’t separated (only Side A or B on vinyl, and no tracks on CD), forcing you to listen to it the way he intended.

    24. Cookies For Breakfast*

      I’ll name a few albums I often listen to while driving, take your pick of songs from them :)

      1) Phoenix – Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix (all of it from start to end, but especially Lisztomania)
      2) The Strokes – Is This It (by the time Last Nite starts playing, I’m guaranteed to be singing along)

      I also have a mix CD I made in my early 20s that I still play in the car specifically to boost my mood on longer trips, and I’ll be damned if I can remember a single song from it now! These days I only drive when visiting my parents, and won’t be there until next month now.

    25. allathian*

      Swedish:
      Sommaren är kort by Tomas Ledin
      Sommartider by Gyllene Tider (the singer Per Gessle later won international fame as the male half of Roxette)

      Hebrew:
      Im Nin’Alu by Ofra Haza

      Spanish:
      Danza al Viento by Medina Azahara

      I also have a fairly eclectic taste in popular music, as does my husband, but on long drives I tend to prefer fairly upbeat stuff. Our playlist in the car has a lot of Bruce Springsteen, Iron Maiden, Bryan Adams, Tina Turner, Fleetwood Mac, Depeche Mode, Madonna, Paula Abdul, Janet Jackson, etc.

    26. Lady Knittington*

      Everything Counts by Depeche Mode. I’ve recently completed a souvenir video of our time in Berlin to see them, with that as the background music. Listening to it so much just made me appreciate what a good song it is.

      Brave Face by Frank Turner.

      And I Will Kiss by Underworld, used in the opening ceremony of the Olympic Games 2012.

    27. Phlox*

      I’ve had The head and the heart on repeat all week after seeing them on Sunday. So ‘Hurt (But it Goes away)’, The Head and the Heart

    29. Lizzie (with the deaf cat)*

      Sarah Blasko’s version of ‘Sounds of then (this is Australia)’ by Gangajang, used several years ago for a roofing advert! It is a smooth and beautiful rendition of the original.

    30. Lemonwhirl*

      My favorite band right now is Pillow Queens, and their two songs that make me happiest are “Liffey” and “Like a Lesson”.

      “Liffey” has gorgeous, haunting harmonies and a driving beat.
      “Life a Lesson” is more pop-y and just….moves in a way that reminds me of water.

    31. BookreadingRN*

      look up by Joy Oladokun life gets better and just love her voice- not classical beautiful but so good

      ‘Til This Pain Goes Away by Jackie Venson her voice, the beat – head bobbing, foot tapping, move your body good

      Chained to the Rhythm by Amythyst Kiah the vocals, the beat, the message – one of my absolute favorites. She is unbelievable live

    32. Aneurin*

      I’ve been playing “Prisencolinensinainciusol” a lot this week, it’s a 1970s Italian nonsense song that’s written to sound like English being sung in an American accent – it’s got a great beat and is just silly and fun and summery!

      1. mreasy*

        OMG I love this song. A friend bought me the 45 as a gift – the whole idea that an Italian singer made up English sounding words because he wanted a hit… and it worked. Highly recommend the “live” performance videos too.

    33. sagewhiz*

      In Spite of Ourselves— John Prine & Iris Dement
      Ripple— Grateful Dead
      Well Alright—Johnny Cash (new Songwriter album)

    34. illuminate*

      Every Time we Touch by Cascada is one of my favorite car singalong memories- some friends and I took a high school trip to an arcade out of town and it’s the one song we all knew and felt compelled to sing as loudly as possible.

    35. IrishEm*

      I Fell n Love With A Starship Trooper by Sarah Brightman is a BOP.

      Ennio Morricone’s Ecstasy of the Gold is an orchestral highlight.

      Hey Ya by Outkast is a sing along bit of joy.

      The entire soundtrack to the new Beverly Hills Cop movie is a joy.

      1. IrishEm*

        Actually, if you can find a Derry Girls soundtrack that will be full of upbeat bops from the 80s and 90s, too. And never pass an opportunity to listen to The Cranberries.

    37. AnonyNow*

      I love Tina Turner on a road trip – there are so many options, but I’ll go with Simply the Best
      Also – such a fun question!

    38. Chauncy Gardener*

      Happy

      Sargent Pepper – the whole album

      Terrapin Station – the whole album

      Most of Kane Brown’s music

    39. fposte*

      The album Surf Music by Paul Williams (not that one, a Kiwi) is just a joy. The title track is probably the most snaggable, but Bond Themes from the Early Eighties is also wonderful. Remember when you were young and beautiful and driving along the beach in your hot convertible with someone you were really into? Me neither, but now I know what it felt like.

      1. staying anon now*

        “Remember when you were young and beautiful and driving along the beach in your hot convertible with someone you were really into? Me neither, but now I know what it felt like.”

        I love this, thank you for making me smile. My husband passed away a little over five months ago and I have been looking at a lot of old photos. So now I actually do remember when we were both young and beautiful and driving along the beach with someone we were really into. No convertible. Sometimes a sailboat on the ocean. I always knew he was beautiful, I was better-looking than I remember. Thank you for the visual.

    40. GoryDetails*

      My favorite songs tend to be oldies (’50s/’60s), or selections from the music-video heyday of the ’80s. After that I discovered audiobooks, and only listen to music in the car when riding with a friend who also likes listening to oldies.

      I have too many favorites to list, but among the more offbeat:

      “Your Nose is Gonna Grow” by Johnny Crawford (yup, the Rifleman’s son) – very bouncy and cute.

      “Johnny Get Angry” by Joanie Summers – a fine example of the truly terrible romance advice in many popular songs, but I still love it.

      Quite a few of the theme songs from TV Westerns, especially “The Ballad of Paladin” from “Have Gun, Will Travel” – fun fact, the song didn’t become the show’s regular theme until the second season, after a very young Johnny Western got a role on one episode and wrote the song in gratitude, with assists from series star Richard Boone and screenwriter Sam Rolfe.

      Oh, and a recent discovery of a ’60s oldie: “In Ginocchio Da Te” sung by Gianni Morandi. It featured in the 2019 film “Parasite” and I loved it so much that I had to pause the video to go look up the song!

      1. GoryDetails*

        Oh, I love that one! (Fond of Jay and the Americans in general, but that song’s fantastic. Also funny – how often does a song’s hero drop everything and run when his love-interest’s boyfriend shows up?)

    43. ronda*

      that summer feeling – by Jonathan Richman

      but if you would rather listen to a more car song on a road trip:
      Stop This Car
      or his most popular car song:
      Roadrunner

    44. BookMom*

      Paul Simon’s “Graceland” is the best road trip song ever. The 25th anniversary edition of the album has a fascinating track with Paul Simon explaining how the song came to be.

    45. Mitchell Hundred*

      Instrumental:
      Appalachian Spring by Aaron Copland
      The Lark Ascending by Ralph Vaughan Williams
      Clair de Lune by Claude Debussy (yes, it’s a cliche, but still good)
      Aria de Capo by JS Bach (specifically the original, not the Goldberg variation)

      With lyrics:
      The cover of Solsbury Hill by Coig
      Song for Memory by The Once
      Yer Spring by Hey Rosetta!
      Lost Together by Blue Rodeo
      And If Venice Is Sinking by Spirit of the West
      Matthew Byrne’s cover of Come Fare Away

      1. Mitchell Hundred*

        Thought of a couple more
        Prelude to the Sun by Dreamer’s Circus
        Adventures in Solitude by The New Pornographers

    46. 248_Ballerinas*

      Here’s some tunes from the Nineties:

      Tal Bachman – She’s So High
      Belly – Feed the Tree
      Collective Soul – Shine

    47. The Prettiest Curse*

      Older songs:
      Save It For Later by The Beat (aka The English Beat) (I associate this one with my husband because he introduced it to me)
      Cannonball by The Breeders (really great song for driving)
      Now It’s On by Grandaddy (another great driving song)

      Current favourites:
      Satanist by boygenius (not a song about Satanism)
      Riding Solo by Hinds (from the album that inspired my username)
      HOT TO GO! by Chappell Roan (current favourite song to dance to)
      All American Bitch by Olivia Rodrigo (for when sexism is getting you down)

    48. vulturestalker*

      A favorite from last summer that I’m returning to now is Jessie Ware’s album called That! Feels Good. Upbeat disco pop, very nice and summery.

    49. slowingaging*

      I am a member of the ‘all the windows down, stereo blasting enough to feel the music in the frame of the car’ group

      Take it easy – Eagles – Nothing like hearing it when you are driving thru Winslow.
      Texas – Chris Rea Warm wind blowin, heating blue skies and road that goes forever. Also perfect for the drive.

    50. dontbeadork*

      Les Voix Basques, which is Anne Etchegoyen et le choeur Aizikoa. The first album was such fun to listen to that we kept an eye out for the next one as well.

      I particularly love Boga Boga, but Hegoak (the first song on the first album) is just delightful.

    51. Angstrom*

      I just had a Joan Armatrading blast from the past, so
      “Love and Affection”
      “Down to Zero”
      Gorgeous singing.

      For upbeat, I tend to think of songs that are great for swing dancing like The Contours “Do You Love Me?”

      I can’t not smile to The Spinners “Rubberband Man”.

      Bonnie Raitt “Thing Called Love” or “Something to Talk About”

    52. WoodswomanWrites*

      I had two soundtracks to my Detroit childhood–my mom’s recordings of Ella Fitzgerald singing anything by George Gershwin or Cole Porter, and the contemporary music of Motown. I still love listening to everything from both. A favorite Motown tune is Marvin Gaye’s “I Heard It Through the Grapevine.” It has to be Marvin’s version rather than the others.

      I love Stevie Wonder’s “Songs in the Key of Life” album. I still enjoy Fleetwood Mac’s Rumours album, the college soundtrack.

      Joni Mitchell’s Hejira is a great road trip album.

      Shawn Colvin’s live solo guitar version of Bob Dylan’s “You’re Gonna Make Me Lonesome When You Go” melts my heart every time.

      An upbeat fun tune is “Heart of Rock and Roll” by Huey Lewis and the News.

      If you like traditional stringband music, check out the Carolina Chocolate Drops including their Grammy-winning “Genuine Negro Jig.” Lead singer/banjo player/fiddler Rhiannon Giddens now has a solo career and you can’t go wrong with any of her songs.

      This post is making me realize that I tend to group my interests by artist rather than by individual songs. Now I have to go listen to a bunch of these for my Saturday soundtrack.

      Thanks for the fun thread!

    53. so*

      Pharrell Williams. Happy
      (If you have Spotify, I have a Happy Happy Sunshine playlist…)

    54. Mollie*

      currently enjoying beyonce and miley cyrus Most Wanted song from Country Carter. It’s also a good roadtrip song.

    55. The Dude Abides*

      Hellraiser – the Motörhead cover

      During a tough writing/finals week in college that involved foregoing sleep for two nights in a row, I looped this song the entire time. mp3 player, running in the background on my laptop, if I had earbuds in, this was blaring.

      Celebration – Kool and the Gang
      Head over Heels / Shout / Everybody Wants to Rule the World – Tears for Fears

      At our old house, before I went to work, I would pull up these songs on YouTube and dance with my daughter around the living room.

    56. AHN*

      Friday I’m in Love by the Cure – there was a radio station that played this pretty much every Friday at the same time as I was driving up the Mass Pike to see my then-boyfriend (now husband) in the late 90s/early 00s.

      Birdhouse in Your Soul by They Might Be Giants – this is my favorite song by my favorite band, and it never fails to make me smile.

    57. Rosyglasses*

      I don’t know that I have a favorite of his, but I really adore most all of Kishi Bashi’s work. Lately I’ve been in a nostalgic bent and have been listening to Halo by Beyonce, Born This Way by Lady Gaga, and almost all of Celine Dion’s works (after watching I AM – highly recommend).

    58. Road Trip Songs*

      When I am driving on long road trips, and I have made many, many in my years, there are certain songs I always play, because the rhythm/beat of them really work for highway driving in my mind:
      1. Everlong-Foo Fighters
      2. Lithium: Nirvana
      3. Sympathy For The Devil: The Rolling Stones
      4. Peace Frog: The Doors
      5. I Drove All Night: Cyndi Lauper
      6. Life Is A Highway: Tom Cochrane
      7. Running Down A Dream: Tom Petty And The Heartbreakers
      8. Baba O’Riley: The Who
      9. The Stroke: Billy Squier
      10. Disconnected: Face To Face

    59. The OG Sleepless*

      I have so many on different days, but one I always love to hear is “Beautiful Day” by U2. Their music is so complex and I’m always a sucker for a lovely bass guitar.

    60. I take tea*

      Led Zeppelin Whole Lotta Love. Something about the riffs in the intro just moves me. Another in the same type is Adele’s Rolling In the Deep. They are both a bit of “belting at full volyme”.

    61. FACS*

      “Still the One” by Orleans. makes me want to dance every time. Also the Jupiter movement from Holst The Planets. the moment when the horns come in…

      1. The OG Sleepless*

        My kids were in orchestra in high school, and they played Jupiter sometimes when they wer playing for events at the school. I love it anyway but now it also reminds me of that period of their lives.

    62. Buni*

      Yesterday my friend & I took 3 hours to drive ~4 miles. We were saved by repeated loops of ‘Love is a Stranger’ (Eurythmics), the Safety Dance and quite a lot of 80s rock.

    63. SparklingBlue*

      “Life is a Highway”–particularly the Rascal Flatts version from Disney’s Cars.

      If you don’t mind video game music, the overworld from “The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker” has the perfect adventurous vibe, regardless if you are driving, sailing, flying, or taking a train

    64. Yikes Stripes*

      Haaaa you can very much tell the general ages of the posters on this site from the answers to this question!

      Here’s ten of mine:
      1. Amy Macdonald – This Is the Life
      2. Perrie – Forget About Us
      3. Sub-Radio – 1990Something
      4. Jordy Searcy – Love & War in Your Twenties
      5. Betty Who – Somebody Loves You
      6. Niall Horan – No Judgement
      7. Bleachers – Let’s Get Married
      8. Patrick Stump – Spotlight (Oh Nostalgia)
      9. Kacey Musgraves – Follow Your Arrow
      10. The Cat Empire – Steal the Light

    65. Distracted Procrastinator*

      We Battle Giants from Bandits On the Run. They are an Americana Trio out of New York with a really fun sound.

  10. Dark Macadamia*

    What’s something really obvious that nevertheless manages to surprise you?

    Mine: how heavy rocks are. There are a few inconveniently placed rocks in my yard and the way I went INSTANTLY from “just gonna put this somewhere else” to “guess it lives there forever” the first time I touched them is rather embarrassing. A couple weeks ago I bought some bags of gravel and even though I knew each bag was 50 lbs and just barely got them from the shelf into my cart, I was still pretty amazed by how hard it was to push the cart with multiple bags in it. However heavy I expect a rock to be, it’s usually significantly heavier than that.

    1. Peanut Hamper*

      For some reason, the light in my closet. I’ll flip the light switch, open the door, see the light on and then be like “What? How long has this light been on?” And then my brain reminds me that I literally just turned it on half a second before.

      I have no idea why, but it happens on an all-too frequent basis.

      2. Mollie*

        I’ve lived in my house for 5 years with a bunch of ceiling fans/light combos that are controlled by the light switch and then the cords on the lights/fan. If we want to use the fan but no light, we’ve always turned them on via the light switch and pulled the light cord off. When somebody’s sleeping and we’re trying not to wake them, it’s been having one person at the light switch and another right under the fan to pull the light cord immediately. Or be hot and don’t use the fan at all. Clearly lots of energy going into maneuvering this.

        Well, a couple days ago, I accidentally learned that I can just pull the cords, whether or not the switch is on, and it’ll (for example) change whether the light is in or off once we do turn on the lightswitch before we do anything to the switch.

        TLDR: it’s really easy to not blind each other with the light when trying to just turn on the ceiling fan and I never knew.

    2. Not A Manager*

      That time continues to pass even when I’m in the bathroom. For some reason, I think that when I close that door, no matter what I’m doing in there, it will be just about the same time when I exit as when I entered. Makes leaving the house on time a bit of a challenge.

      1. Ellis Bell*

        This is why I have a shower time playlist. Once Blondie comes on, it’s time to finish up. Though when I have nowhere to be, I really luxuriate in the way time apparently stops in there. It really is a thing.

        1. mreasy*

          I have to set a timer when I shower if I’m in a hurry. It truly feels like a place external to space/time! Honestly I’m kind of relieved to hear others have this too.

      3. Lucy*

        I have a waterproof clock in my bathroom to try to avoid losing track of time in there, but sometimes I’ll still look at the clock and be like “Where did the past 20 minutes go?!?!?”

        It’s weird, because I do the same exact things to get ready every morning before work and it takes a specific amount of time, but when I don’t have to be any place or if I’m just really distracted, it takes me much longer.

    3. Dear Liza dear liza*

      How fast water gets absorbed. I accidentally dropped the edge of my towel into some water pooling on the shower floor for like a nanosecond, and whoosh, it was soaked!

    4. Scientist*

      I was a backcountry forest ranger for awhile in the mountains of Northern California and once I was checking a remote trailhead on my own. On my drive back down the mountain, on a winding dirt road, I came around a steep curve and saw a large rock in the middle of the road. There wasn’t space to drive around it on either side and I didn’t think the work truck had enough clearance to drive over it. I had no cell service, this road was the only way down, and the chance of anyone else driving by in the next few days was very slim. I got out and spent probably an hour wrestling it end over end until I pushed it far enough towards the drop side of the road that I could fit my truck around the other side. It was so heavy. I think about how small it really was and how it almost trapped me on a mountain for days regardless all the time.

    5. Falling Diphthong*

      I just connected my brother-in-law’s observation that we have stopped letting our youth be bored to our grown kids only getting interested in the details of home and car maintenance when they have a home or car and so there’s an immediate practical application. Growing up the kids had opportunities but didn’t want to tag along and help and learn how to wire a light fixture. Realized spouse and his brother learned a lot of that stuff because they were kids in a rural house in the 1970s, so tagging along while your parent fixed something was better than the other options. Now you can always find something on a screen to alleviate boredom.

    6. goddessoftransitory*

      When I accidentally burn myself, like cooking or something, and am shocked all over again that burns HURT and keep hurting!

      1. Sue Smith*

        Similarly, falling while ice skating hurts. The ice is surprisingly, unyieldingly hard!

      2. Cathie from Canada*

        It seems like every single time I slice cucumbers or cut up celery or peel potatoes or whatever, I cut my finger somewhere — and I am always surprised at how much tiny cuts can bleed. A lot. Now I keep band-aids in the kitchen so I can wash the cut, dry it, bandage it, rinse the blood off the vegetables (provided nobody in the family has noticed them) and just keep on slicing.

        1. But maybe not*

          My mom got me an amazing ceramic knife for Christmas a few years back. After the umpteenth bad cut in a row, my husband hid it from me so I would stop hurting myself. (I eventually located it and am now much more careful. I have gone many slices without slicing fingers. Proud of me.)

          1. Falling Diphthong*

            If it’s Kyocera, you can get them sharpened by mail. But it takes a few weeks. I used to ship mine off just before going on vacation.

            I now have Wusthof steel knives, but those Kyocera ceramic ones were a joy and so much better than my standard steel knives.

        3. Lucy*

          I have this problem with peeling potatoes when I’m making mashed potatoes. Always end up getting cut once and bleed all over. I ended up getting disposable gloves so I could put a band aid on and then keep peeling without worrying about getting the band aid wet.

      3. Sloanicota*

        Burn really do hurt an unreasonable amount. I also skinned my knee the other day and was astonished at how long it took to heal and how painful it was for so long – I guess I just don’t get these little bumps and bruises very often anymore! Certainly as a child it was near daily to be falling or scraping myself. A skinned knee is literally the example of a minor injury that’s not a big deal!

    7. A perfectly normal-size space bird*

      Any feature in the backseat of my car. Granted, it’s an old car with minimal features, but since I’ve very rarely ridden in the back, I’m always astonished by things like the armrest. The first time I saw the armrest, my nephew had it folded down and thought it was absolutely hilarious that I was so astonished. I didn’t even know it existed. Now and then I forget it’s there and am surprised when I notice it.

    8. Helvetica*

      How planes stay up in the air. Listen, I have read and understand the physics of it, but on some deep level, every time I’m on a plane, I am amazed by how we’re just gliding through air and it’s normal and we don’t just fall down.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        American Gods had a nice bit about how it is actually just the combined will of the passengers believing that this will work, and the physics is a cover story.

        1. Fickle Pickle*

          The Kitty Hawk NPS also has a nice presentation about how it really works. I love this, though.

      3. Filosofickle*

        Airplane travel has a lot of magic (as well as misery) to it. How it stays in the air is definitely one! The other is how you can start in one place/time/reality and end up in an entirely different one within the same day — always amazes me. I once flew from Taipei to San Francisco and landed a couple hours before we left, local time.

        When we travel by ship or car, you gradually experience the miles and time zones. But in a plane you just leap over all of it and arrive somewhere else.

      4. Mephyle*

        How planes stay up in the air: it’s more complicated than we know. To read more, see an article Scientific American in 2020, available online, titled “No One Can Explain Why Planes Stay in the Air.”

        In fact, in past centuries, humans thought that if they could understand how birds fly, they could also figure out how to devise mechanisms for humans to fly.

        Instead, it was not until humans devised mechanisms that enabled humans to fly that they came closer to understanding how bird flight works.

    9. Shiny Penny*

      I’ve been obsessed for months about how small changes in temperature can make such a big difference in one’s subjective experience. A ten degree Fahrenheit difference doesn’t seem like it should be that big a deal but, wow, it is!
      105* is the hottest I’ve experienced (in that heat dome situation a few years ago in Western Washington) and it was unreal to me. Like, so surreal that walking out of the house was like walking into a dream, or out into an extraterrestrial reality. The experience of everything was so drastically altered!
      So these days I’m marveling over the nuanced differences of feeling between 66* and 73*, or 77*and 87*, and trying to wrap my brain around temperature in general.
      And sending cooling thoughts and good wishes to humans in hotter climes.

      1. Jay (no, the other one)*

        For me it’s the difference in experience between, say 55 F in July (brrrr) and 55 F in February (shorts weather!) Surprises me every time.

      2. Helvetica*

        And location-specific! 20 C (68F) in Belgium, where I live, is very different from 20 C in my Northern European home country.

      3. goddessoftransitory*

        How quickly you get drained by the heat, and how long it takes to recover!

        I remember that heat dome/wildfire smoke combo and how swiftly I devolved into a jellylike blob with seaweed for hair and no regard for human mores.

      4. Filosofickle*

        I was just saying to a friend this morning that I can go for hikes at 60° and feel fantastic and energized, but add even 10 degrees and everything changes — even a short distance leaves me drained and hurting. Above 80? Exercise is no longer possible. At 90, my brain gets fuzzy and I barely function. And I’m from a hot place — I grew up in the desert heat and have been outside for extended periods at 115°. We used to compare going outside to walking into a kiln or a blast furnace. But this point in my life and in my body, I don’t tolerate heat AT ALL.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          It’s been butt-melting hot and humid here, and it finally broke yesterday. I went to the office and when I came up out of the subway, there was a wonderful cool breeze blowing through the plaza. I’d almost forgotten that was a thing. It felt heavenly!

    10. But maybe not*

      I terribly underestimate the impacts of physical activity. Or maybe I overestimate my fitness. There were times in my life, not that long ago, where I was very regularly running and another where I was progressively lifting and got quite strong. I do those things only sporadically now and think I can do what I used to do and pay the price the following few days.

    11. Jackalope*

      We have a new kitten and I’m always amazed at how acrobatic kittens can be. Running and doing flips in the air to catch a toy, climbing the giant cat tree in half a second flat, getting from one end of the room to another like lightning… they always amaze me. And also the way that young things (in this I include human children as well) can remain so fascinated by one thing for so long, enjoying much more repetition than we as adults can. Little miss spent hours the other day playing with the same toy. Hours.

      1. TPS reporter*

        also when the cats are older and sleep like little angels. you think they’re the most gentlest souls then suddenly they kill a mouse or a chipmunk and you realize they still have bloodlust well into adulthood.

        domestic cats are really just tiny wild animals.

    12. Hotdog not dog*

      That minor injuries (think paper cuts, blisters, bruises) take longer to heal than I expect. Worse now that I’ve gotten on the wrong side of 50!

  11. Peanut Hamper*

    People who know about Jewish cooking, please help!

    Does schmaltz refer to just any rendered chicken fat? Or does it have to be prepared in a special way to be considered actual schmaltz? (This is outside of any kosher considerations.)

    Also, if you use chicken fat in your cooking (whether schmaltz or not) — what dishes do you use it in or how do you use in general?

    This came up in a conversation I had on Reddit, and like somebody said a week or so ago on the weekend thread, I trust you all more than I trust the rest of the internet.

    1. Not A Manager*

      Putting aside kashrut, in my experience schmaltz is chicken fat. You can skim it off the top of homemade broth, you can boil or roast fatty bits of skin to remove the fat, or anything else.

      I only use schmaltz in matzah balls and to spread on matzah during Passover. (There’s nothing wrong with using butter on matzah in a dairy context, but my grandparents used to spread schmaltz on matzah and then add a big pinch of kosher salt, so I do too.) Schmaltz is softer and more unctuous than duck fat, but you could certainly use it analogously to any recipe that calls for duck fat.

      1. toeshoes*

        this mirrors my experience with smaltz – any rendered chicken fat (my family was not kosher) and used in matzo balls.

      3. Monkey's Paw Manicure*

        Agree that it’s plain old chicken fat. I use schmaltz instead of butter when preparing stuffing for a chicken.

      4. Clisby*

        I save chicken skin & fat in a baggy in the freezer until I have a couple of cups worth; then I render it in a cast iron frying pan, cooking it on low until the fat’s liquid and the skin is crispy. Strain it to separate out the crispy skin – I guess you can save that for something, but I’ve never had the will power not to just it all right then. The fat can be frozen, but it keeps pretty well in the refrigerator. I mainly use it for roasting vegetables or making oven fries.

        1. Jay (no, the other one)*

          Crispy skin is gribbenes (sp? it’s transliterated Yiddish) and my grandfather used to hover over the stove to grab it when my grandmother rendered chicken fat. That’s the only time I remember him even being in the kitchen.

          I grew up in the NYC burbs. We bought rendered chicken fat in the grocery store. Now I live in a part of PA where lard is plentiful and I have to render my own chicken fat, which I keep in the freezer. I only use it in matzah balls; this thread has me thinking of other potential applications.

          Related: twice recently I have been asked if I would share my family recipe for matzah balls. The secret? It’s the one printed on the Manischwitz matzah meal box – although we do use chicken fat and broth, not oil and water, so there’s that.

          1. Not A Manager*

            This is my recipe also – the Manischwitz recipe, but with schmaltz and broth. IIRC, in the very old days that’s what the printed recipe contained.

            Also, when you first drop your batter into boiling water, if the matzah ball hasn’t risen to the top of the pot in a minute or two, gently pop it off the bottom with spatula. If they don’t rise to the top, they won’t expand.

          1. Clisby*

            That’s what I figured! I suppose you could put it on something like a baked potato (kind of like you might add bacon bits) but nope – I did the work to render it, and it’s my reward.

    2. One more (Ashkenazi) librarian*

      In my experience, schmaltz is chicken fat rendered with onion —save the fat of several chickens in the freezer, and when you’re ready to render it chop it up, slice a small union in half-moons or quarter and slice, put the chopped fat and onion in a small saucepan and cook slowly until the onion and any bits of chicken skin are golden-brown and crisp. Put the melted fat in a jar to use later, drain the griebenes (crunchy brown bits of skin and onion) on some paper towels. I have seen recipes for using griebenes to garnish brussels sprouts or add flavor to chopped liver, but in my mother’s kitchen they were the cook’s reward.

      1. GoryDetails*

        That’s the way I made schmaltz when I was curious to try it – found a recipe that included onion. The result was just lovely!

    3. Anonymous Koala*

      I’m not very familiar with schmaltz but I love using chicken fat on vegetables – especially hearty green veg like broccoli, broccolini, and kale. I roast or saute in chicken drippings and then taste and season as usual – adds such a delicious umami flavor.

    4. Imtheone*

      Schmaltz could be from other birds as well. Goose fat was the important fat in Eastern and Central European Jewish cooking before modern methods of raising chickens. Organic free range chickens don’t have a lot of fat—and all chickens were organic and free range back then.

      Joan Nathan describes this in one of her cookbooks. The geese were prepared in the late fall. Some of the fat was used for Hanukkah cooking (little vegetables oil available), and some was saves for Passover. Cool climate, and pure fats keep relatively well. People would prepare a corner of the kitchen for Passover cooking when they rendered the goose fat.

      1. Clisby*

        I’ve saved both goose and duck fat to use in other cooking, but I didn’t go out of the way to render it. Duck and goose are fatty compared to a chicken, so I use one of those roasting pans where the rendered fat drains down into the lower part, and then collect it.

    5. Observer**

      Does schmaltz refer to just any rendered chicken fat?

      Pretty much. But unless you are actually cooking with it rather than putting into foods that are already cooked, you wan to prepare it with something like onion.

      what dishes do you use it in or how do you use in general?

      Pretty much anywhere you would use oil or butter (that’s not dairy, in terms of Kosher). That’s not universal, as shmaltz is not quite the same as butter, but it works for a lot of things.

  12. Ruth A*

    Has anyone used reusable gel metatarsal pads? Do they leave your feet feeling sticky? Does the self-adhesiveness last a long time?

    Metatarsal pads were a suggestion from a podiatrist. I have felt ones in all my shoes now (I love them), but I’m thinking about something I can wear when I’m wandering around the house barefoot.

    1. tangerineRose*

      I don’t know if this would help, but when I was having some foot issues, I got some slippers that were pretty roomy and then put 2 layers of insoles in each slipper.

    2. IrishEm*

      I have never heard of these but I’m going to look into them because they sound like they’d make my chronically bad feet a bit better :)

    3. fposte*

      I have metatarsal pads in all my shoes and like you have gone to the felt ones. Are there gel ones that are supposed to stick to your foot? All the gel ones I’ve used don’t stick that great even on shoes; I save them for water shoes where I can just lean into sliding them around. It’s not the same as barefoot, but I have sometimes put unpeeled felt ones in my socks so I can walk around in socks. The slide quotient depends on the socks, and padded socks (I like the max cushion Thorlos, as does my podiatrist) give some more support on their own.

      I find that I can tolerate barefoot around the house to some extent anyway when things are going well. I dropped a laptop on my foot a couple of months ago so I’ve still got a shorter tolerance, but I think it’s still good for my feet to have to work barefoot for a while.

    4. The teapots are on fire*

      I’ve used the Jill Dancer pads when I had sesamoiditis. The adherence was so-so. They didn’t leave my feet feeling sticky at all. if I needed to keep them on all day and shoes, I would use kinesiotape to hold them in place. I’m not confident they would’ve stayed in place for walking around the house barefoot.

    5. Jill Swinburne*

      Gosh, I misread ‘metatarsal’ as ‘menstrual’ and that was an interesting experience!

    6. EngineerGal*

      So after developing bad toe issues (spurs/arthritis on big toe joint) I had to accept that I can’t go barefoot anymore.

      I can wear birkenstocks and felt clogs with cork soles-but if I go barefoot for any length of time, my feet hurt

      Not what you asked but a data point

    7. Msd*

      I found that they made it worse. The pads are like a lump in my shoe that so basically all the weight on the sore part of my foot. To me it would make more sense for the pads to be like a donut where the donut raises and cushions the sides of my foot and that’s where the weight is. The sore part is in the donut hole so no weight. Try shoes with arch support like Vionic.

  13. Microwave recipes wanted!*

    Got any good microwave recipes? For a number of reasons I don’t have a stove or oven, and don’t want to buy a toaster oven, air fryer, InstaPot, or anything else. I just cook in my microwave. But I’m getting bored. Y’all often post such yummy sounding recipes that I’m hoping you’ll have some for microwave cooking. Hit me! I eat most anything but fish (which you never want to microwave anyhow!). Simpler is better but I’m open. Thanks!

    1. Peanut Hamper*

      You can make a cookie in a coffee mug! It’s less of a cookie and more of a cookie on top with a delicious gooey layer underneath. You eat it with a spoon. I have a special coffee mug just for making these. Just do a web search for “mug cookie recipe”.

    2. Orange m&m*

      Nachos. The chips provide a crunchy element often lacking in microwaved food. Cut up green onions, cilantro, jalapeño, avocado, beans, salsa, etc. Add grated cheese on tortilla chips, melt in microwave & add the other stuff.

      1. Peanut Hamper*

        100%! I’ve tried making nachos in the air fryer because supposedly the air fryer is better for everything, but nope. Microwave nachos are the best!

        I’ll sometimes throw some leftover taco filling or refried beans in there as well. So satisfying and very filling.

      2. Liminality*

        Mug omelets! Scramble the eggs in a mug and add a splash of water. Then add your “toppings” I usually just do chopped ham, but you could also use peppers, onions, fresh mushrooms, etc… Microwave, pausing after a minute or so to “scramble” the eggs. Continue microwaving and pausing to scramble. When the are Almost done, add some shredded cheese. Yum!

    3. Falling Diphthong*

      Corn on the cob. Take an ear of corn still in the husk and microwave for 4 minutes per ear. Steams the corn in the husk, loosening all the corn silk so it’s a breeze to peel.

      1. Anono-me*

        We do this too. If you cut off the base off the ear of corn just above the widest part, you can use a potholder and squeeze out a fully shucked ear of corn with almost no silk. (Our microwave takes 6 minutes for corn)

      2. Jessica*

        It probably depends on the power of your microwave, so maybe start at a shorter time and work up. Mine can cook the corn in about 3 minutes.

    4. KathyG*

      If you can get your hands on a copy of “Microwave Gourmet” by Barbara Kafka, you’re set for just about anything. I don’t think it’s in print any more, but shouldn’t be too hard to find used.

          1. fposte*

            Oh, brilliant! I just reluctantly weeded a cookbook by her and this will be a great compensation.

      2. Gal from Oz*

        I have been making Barbara Kafka’s Olivada rissotto for 30 years from her microwave gourmet book. Its olive tapenade, tinned tomatoes, basil &. Parmesan rissotto & very rich & yummy!

    5. Janesfriend*

      I eat baked potatoes fairly often. Cook them in the microwave for about 6-8 mins, cut down the middle, add tuna/salmon/bacon/ beans/cheese/whatever you like, microwave again till the cheese melts, add sour cream. Delicious.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        The how: wash them, poke them several times with a sharp knife, wrap them in a damp paper towel or cloth, then microwave for 6-8 minutes.

    6. Jay*

      Baked potatoes.
      Also, microwaves are the perfect device for getting ice cream to the perfect eating consistency. Maybe 10-20 seconds for a half gallon.

    7. Aphrodite*

      I adore beyond measure corn on the cob in the microwave. It’s fast, it’s easy, it cooks in its own packaging, and it stays hot–I mean seriously HOT–for a long time. Corn on the cob is my favorite vegetable by far and this discovery a few years ago has made it even more so.

    8. But maybe not*

      You can boil noodles in the microwave! We redid our kitchen last summer and the contractor started right as my kids got out of school.

      Use the biggest container you can fit in the microwave. Fully cover the pasta with water, plus 2″. Cook for the time on the box, plus two minutes. You want to check it fairly often to make sure it doesn’t overboil and that the water hasn’t entirely evaporated.

    9. Banana Pyjamas*

      Cheddar biscuits
      1/4 c self-rising flower
      1/2 tbsp cold butter, cubed
      3 1/2 tbsp milk
      2 tbsp cheddar
      2 tbsp herbs

      Rub butter into flour, then combine rest of ingredients.

      Microwave 1200w 45-60 sec (per recipe)
      1000W 1:30-1:45 (per experience)

    11. slowingaging*

      Lemon curd in the microwave, easy and fast and it tastes good. Spaghetti squash is good. I suggest you cut it in half. I was a member of the poking it all over with a knife… until one exploded and blew open the microwave door. Cheese quesadillas.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I do this with the spaghetti squash. Cut in half, scoop out the seeds, and put it cut side down in a glass baking dish (or some kind of microwave-safe dish with edges). Add 1/4 cup of water and cover with plastic wrap. Steam it by nuking for 8 minutes, scrape out the flesh (use an oven mitt– it will be hot!) and enjoy.

    12. Katie*

      Cauliflower mountain! My siblings found this in a cookbook once and has been a running joke that one day one of us will make it. Please do and report back.

    13. Yoli*

      My local Target just started selling microwaveable containers for specific meals (pasta and at least one more I can’t remember) in the dollar spot.

    14. Seashell*

      I recently had a cheese quesadilla with black beans, corn removed from the cob, and finely diced bell pepper with guacamole on the side. I used a sprinkling of this fajita seasoning on the corn and black beans – https://littlesunnykitchen.com/fajita-seasoning/

      This recipe resulted from my fridge dying, trying to use up anything that would not give the family food poisoning, and seeing a recipe online for a corn & black bean quesadilla. Since others have mentioned cooking corn on the cob and cheese quesadillas in the microwave, I would think this is doable in the microwave.

  14. Ali + Nino*

    What product do you swear by to clean grout in your shower? we need major help! ideally something we can spray or that foam up so we can brush away in large swathes. thanks!

    1. Dear Liza dear liza*

      Oxyclean with bleach. It’s in a purple spray bottle. Must be the bleach version, though!

      1. Peanut Hamper*

        Do you know if this will this clean rust stains? That’s the major issue I have, and I’ve heard bleach can actually set rust stains.

        3. Banana Pyjamas*

          Black Lysol Toilet cleaner, yes for the shower. It was the only thing that worked at my first apartment. Just leave it on for a while, and you should be able to wipe away with almost no scrubbing.

          1. Alyn*

            OMG, thank you SO MUCH for this suggestion. I’ve tried CLR, The Pink Stuff, Zep, and countless other products, with much scrubbing and frustration, and only ever managed to lighten the hard water stains. I had some of the Lysol Black (Lime & Rust) for the toilet, so I figured I’d give it a try, and it just …. works. Without scrubbing. The test section of my shower wall is now white again! I need to pick up more in order to finish the whole thing, but had to come back here and say thank you!!

      3. Yoli*

        Second this! I can only find this kind (foaming with bleach, in the purple bottle) at Walmart.

    2. Falling Diphthong*

      Zep. Which I think was recommended here, and specifically that it’s at Home Depot.

    3. Anonymous Koala*

      I find dawn power wash pretty effective for a non-bleach option. I spray it on the grout, let it sit for about 20 min or until the spray starts to take on the color of the grout stains, and then wash it away with plain water.

    4. Banana Pyjamas*

      Black Lysol Toilet cleaner. In my first apartment the shower was orange, but I was able to get it to the original color with this. Just let it sit for a while. It doesn’t foam, but you won’t need to scrub either.

    5. E*

      I’ve always used a 1:1 mixture of baking soda and dish soap to clean the shower. Mix both together, apply with a sponge, let it sit for around 5 minutes and wipe away with water. Low-effort, low-cost, and easy on the skin.

  15. Cleaning the TB*

    Looking for recommendations for toilet bowl cleaning liquid. I’m just finishing a container of Lysol with hydrogen peroxide. My normal go-to for household cleaning products is a natural and gentle sort of product from my natural-food grocery, so the Lysol cleaner was an exception for me, but it did a good job. Is that kind of product significantly more effective for cleaning and sanitizing a toilet than the more natural/more gentle products I typically use, or do they all do a similar job if used with the same frequency? I’d welcome specific product recommendations.

    1. NoIWontFixYourComputer*

      Peroxide is fairly environmentally friendly, because it breaks down into water, pretty much. My go-to is Clorox, so definitely not want you want.

    2. Someone stole my croissant*

      I heard on some cleaning channel to use dish soap and vinegar. Works in a pinch and save me a trip to the store!

    3. IrishEm*

      I’m afraid I only know the brand name, I have no idea if it’s bleach or peroxide or what. Harpic. No clue what’s in it but it does a good job.

    4. Generic Name*

      I used the natural stuff forever, and then I switched to Lysol toilet cleaner. I am embarrassed to say the Lysol works significantly better. I don’t remember why I made the change, but I remember being amazed at how clean my toilet looked. Same thing happened when I switched laundry detergent. Maybe this should go in the things that are obvious thread.

      1. Andforgot*

        I recently asked on here about natural products for cleaning and ended up compromising with simple green spray (I was asked what my problem was with lysol and I didn’t see that initially, but to answe now, for me it is a combination of what I’ve been reading, an incident involving lysol, and my own increased sensitivity to smells as I age, along with a history of breathing problems and allergies/asthma). Anyway, to get to the point, I used simple green on the toilets and it seemed to work fine (though I’ve only used once so far). But I also used the powder called Barkeepers Friend on one toilet and that worked really beautifully, just as well as lysol, if not better.

    5. Unkempt Flatware*

      My trick I learned while working as a maid in hotels is to add white vinegar to the bowl after cleaning. A full cup. Your porcelain will shine. I use a tablespoon of 70% acid vinegar instead, however. Just let it sit in the water until the next flush. If you have an older toilet, you can also add the vinegar to the tank.

    6. Hungry for Lasagna*

      I use shampoo. Especially the new brands I buy that I try and don’t like. They suds well, are formulated to break down (ahem) biological products, and leave the bathroom smelling great. If you have hard water that leaves mineral build up in a ring around the water line or under the rim, you can buy a pumice stick (my local hardware store has them). Clean the bowl with shampoo and toilet brush, turn off the water line, flush to remove most of the water, start scrubbing with the pumice stick where it will get a little wet, and when you’re done scrubbing turn the water line on again and flush (maybe a couple times) to rinse away the pumice. It’s the same stuff you buy in powdered form in Bar Keepers Friend and will not scratch the porcelain.

    7. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Fun fact — you can use Coke/Pepsi or basically any soda as toilet bowl cleaner because of the acid. I am paranoid about household chemicals, and this has worked pretty well for me.

  16. A perfectly normal-size space bird*

    So I’m posting because I just had to deal with this happening to an elderly family member.

    If someone tricks a family member or friend into shipping a box full of cash to a scammer via FedEx and it is still in transit, here’s how you might be able to fix it:

    Have the package redirected to one of the nearby pickup locations. Then call that location, speak to a manager, and inform them what is happening and state specifically that the package contains a large amount of cash.

    They do not allow cash to be shipped and knowing that the contents are cash means they are required to return the package to sender. FedEx will issue a new tracking number and label and send it back to the return address on the package.

    Obviously get the tracking number and destination address first, of course. And also you have to verify that the return address isn’t one the scammer gave. Fortunately for us (as much as fortunately can be) the scammer didn’t issue a prepaid label or prewritten label so the return address was the family member’s.

    Family member who was tricked sent the package expedited overnight and I missed getting it held at the FedEx origin by six minutes. I spent all evening last night and all morning today making calls and trying to figure out what to do. It was nerve wracking and if this helps someone else then it’s worth it. My family member could have lost thousands of dollars with no way to retrieve it.

    4. Juneybug*

      Thank you for the advice!
      It’s so hard to watch the elderly – you have to give them agency but also need to closely monitor them.

    5. Jean (just Jean)*

      You done good–taking care of your relative and sharing this info here as a public service announcement (PSA*).

      Can you secure your relative’s bank account to limit the amount of cash they can withdraw at an ATM, a point of sale, and/or the bank itself?

      Some people are truly awful. If we could redirect all the creativity used to scam people, we could have cured cancer by now.

      * Explanation included for any non U.S. readers. (I don’t travel abroad. For all I know “PSA” is a well-known term worldwide. :-P )

      1. Future*

        Thanks! PSA is a pretty widely understood TLA in the English-speaking world. I had never thought about the origin of the term before and that it might be American. Originating from government?

        1. Esprit de l'escalier*

          Don’t know for sure, but it sounds to me like it originated in the world of radio & TV back when they cared (or the government told them to care) about public service.

      1. A perfectly normal-size space bird*

        If you have the tracking number, you can do that on the FedEx website after looking up the status, under “manage delivery.” Alternately, you can call them and use the automated system. I used the automated system and was given three options to choose from. I picked whichever was furthest from the address given by the scammer.

        Redirecting to pickup location is a good way to buy some time. I tried to get the delivery cancelled but it required opening a support case and wouldn’t have kicked in before the package got picked up. Scammers like to pretend there’s a close deadline looming because if victims send a package ground, they would have more time to get it cancelled once they realized what happened.

  17. Natalie*

    My parents are getting on in years.
    I’ve realized that as the adult child that lives closest to them, I’m almost certainly going to be the one dealing with the bulk of their medical challenges in the years to come.
    I feel like this means that I need to have certain information, just in case a medical crisis happens and I have doctors asking me questions, and they are not able to speak for themselves for some reason.
    I currently have a document that has:
    – A list of their doctors, complete with contact information and upcoming appointments
    – A list of their known allergies
    – A list of medications they are on and what each is for
    – Their medicare ID #s
    I know their medical histories, though I don’t have them written down.

    Is there something else someone can think of that I should add to this list?
    I’d especially appreciate hearing from anyone in the medical field, or someone who has been in a similar situation with an elderly relative.

    (P.S. So sorry for originally posting this in the wrong chat. :( I got mixed up.)

    1. Rara Avis*

      Do you have a medical power of attorney? My parents found that to be extremely useful as my grandparents aged and could no longer make decisions for themselves. Conversely, when my father-in-law died, we found that he had his wife listed as his decision-maker, despite the fact that she had been incapacitated by Parkinson’s for many years. They had to have a doctor declare her non compos mentis before they could get his body released to the funeral home, which added stress to an already terrible situation.

    2. anon24*

      Seconding medical power of attorney.

      Also, as an EMT, please have an easy to find document (fridge or other prominent location) with name, DOB, allergies, current meds, and medical history. When an emergency happens sometimes things are rushed or people are flustered and having this information current and easy for us to locate and grab is enormously helpful. In a genuine life or death situation we won’t wait around on scene to locate this information but it can be extremely helpful to give a complete picture of what may be going on.

        1. Jean (just Jean)*

          Fourthing medical POA (power of attorney).
          Seconding the suggestion to post medical summary document with name, DOB, allergies, current meds, medical history , and name & contacft info for medical POA and other key contact people: spouse, kids, neighbors, siblings, whomever really needs to know ASAP if something happens.

      2. anon24*

        To add onto my comment because I wanted to mention DNR orders and I see other people did but may not know this. If they have an advanced directive and it includes a do not resuscitate order, make sure you look up the laws for your state to see if it covers out of hospital/EMS situations.

        In my state you can be listed as a DNR with the hospital, or you can have a DNR/advanced directive form which would cover nursing homes, doctors offices, emergency rooms, etc. but what most people (even non-emergency related medical professionals) don’t realize is that it doesn’t cover EMS! We need to have a separate “Out of Hospital” DNR form that is separate from the other advanced directive/DNR form. So if someone who does not wish to be resuscitated codes and has the wrong DNR form, we are legally required to begin CPR/resuscitation efforts while we contact an emergency room EMS command physician who can order us to stop. Its a really shitty law especially for family who may be present and have to watch us do something their loved one didn’t want and we hate it too, so I try to educate as many people as possible! With the right form we can just confirm death and leave the person in peace as they wished for.

        1. But maybe not*

          This is what I was going to comment yesterday before the post got removed. My husband is an EMT and this is often a problem.

    3. My Brain is Exploding*

      Make sure that they contact any health insurers and do whatever they need to in order for you to talk to them/make decisions.

      1. Juneybug*

        Yes to this! We have Veteran’s Admin medical coverage (retired military) and still have to call hospital billing to get it corrected (some systems default to TriCare instead of VA).

    4. Eldercare*

      Not a medical professional but have aging family members. Know which pharmacy they use to fill their prescriptions and try to keep them all at one place. Make sure to update the list of medications regularly and include any over the counter vitamins, supplements, baby aspirin, etc. they might be taking. Research local rehab facilities now, because it is much easier to have a short list of good ones than to have to research when dealing with a broken hip. Same for transportation options. You don’t say how old your parents are but be prepared to need to start attending appointments with them to listen, ask questions, and be able to remind your parents of the doctor’s instructions.

      1. Clumsy Ninja*

        Yes! If your family members don’t get everything through one pharmacy, now is the time to urge that. Sometimes they don’t tell all their doctors what meds they’re taking, and if the doctors aren’t all in the same system, they won’t know. But the pharmacist can pick up potential drug interactions.

    5. Cheshire Cat*

      You should also have a general power of attorney, for non-medical matters. And when your parents sign it, make sure it’s the kind that allows you to makes decisions & sign documents on your parents’ behalf when they are able to explain what they want, as well as when they’re incapacitated.

      My mom was going blind, and signed a POA so that I could fill out forms for her, help her vote, and so on. But when she developed dementia and couldn’t make decisions for herself, I wasn’t able to use the POA doc to sign for some things. It surprised me, because the attorney who drew up the document hadn’t mentioned any limitations. So ask questions!

      Also make sure your parents have a will.

      1. Trixie Belden was my hero*

        Get a Durable Power of Attorney for each of them, this covers everything. Its in effect if/when they can’t make decisions for themselves. My parents lawyer suggested it when they were updating their wills and advanced medical directives.
        It was very much appreciated when Dad was in a nursing home and mom has memory issues. We were able to challenge incorrect bills and file health insurance waivers, etc. We were able to file claims for his pension and life insurance for mom after he passed, since my mother couldn’t handle all the paperwork.

    6. Anono-me*

      Know where they have their living will/s.

      They may not want to do the medical POA right now. Ask them to do it now, but rather than filing it, to keep it in a location known and accessible to you. And also ask them to inform all of their medical team that the medical team has permission to discuss their medical care with you.

      Ask them to consider having an elder care physical therapist type specialist evaluate their home for aging in place.

    7. Florence Reece*

      I would highly encourage some form of advance care directive, in addition to medical POA as Rara Avis mentioned. It doesn’t necessarily have to be an official legal document, but there are templates online (and maybe available through your or your parents’ healthcare systems) that can help guide that conversation. If they have Medicare or a private Medicare supplemental plan, advance planning is covered as part of their annual wellness. I think the legal forms are state-specific but really, the main purpose is to determine what your parents want in the event that they are incapacitated or cannot make decisions themselves.

      That conversation should cover things like use of pain relief (always, even if it harms their chances of recovery?), attempts to sustain and prolong life (only if there’s a good chance they’ll recover? only if they’ll have a certain QOL? always, even if they are terminal?), potential DNRs, etc. It’s not on the forms but I would also ask about things like values – do they want some kind of religious presence in their last hours? If they were to have some form of disability or long-term terminal condition, do they want to stay in their home? Move to a facility? Does that change depending on whether one parent is still relatively healthy, or do they feel strongly about not burdening each other/their children? Can they afford those options, and are you able to access that money if needed? (Can you afford it, if they can’t? This is the hardest part IMO, both emotionally and logistically because…who knows what’ll happen. But it’s better to try to establish how costs will be handled now, to whatever degree you can.)

      It sounds like you all have it pretty well together already, which is great. I haven’t gone through this yet but my mom is in her mid-70s and we’re both thinking about this a lot, too. I’m also in the medical field so I promise I’m not just full of it lol. The most important thing *for you* is to establish what they’d want in high-stress or urgent situations…because that’s when you’re most likely to feel like your heart is being ripped out if you suggest anything except “do everything you can.” Hopefully those things never come to pass, but it’s a huge kindness to you and the rest of your family if they decide that now.

    8. LBD*

      Perhaps include specific physical limitations and how best to deal with them? This could be in the context of what help they need with personal care, in case they are in a situation where they are dealing with a caregiver. Example: people who need help dressing may need a wide range of assistance, and a caregiver who just steps in and starts dressing and undressing them can result in a very negative experience, vs a caregiver who knows that they only need help with choosing clothing appropriate for the weather, and assistance with shoes and socks.
      Find out what it takes to get a caregiver, who do you talk to, how do you qualify, etc.
      Phone numbers or contact info for helpful neighbours or nearby friends or associates (clubs? religious organizations?) who could step in briefly in case of an emergency.
      Sometimes one partner is doing a lot of behind the scenes caregiving, and if they are ill or incapacitated, or simply burnt out, it is much easier to deal with if you have some back up plans in place.

    9. Jackie*

      Health care provider x 40 years, and oldest child plus closest in distance to parents (125 miles) Both parents deceased 2 and 4 years ago this month. It was absolutely the most challenging time of all our lives. One sibling cooperative and helpful, one a nightmare.

      Multiple abrupt hospitalizations – I started to plan better by having them have an overnight bag ready with some clothing, a list of their meds and health history/signed directives inside. Also have your own bag ready to go- you never know when you’re spending hours in the ER waiting room, so I had a small suitcase in my car ( spare contacts, phone charger, toothbrush, snacks, copies of my medical POA, mini toiletries and change of clothes, Kindle). It was one thing less to worry about if I got a call at work and had to leave abruptly to travel.

      Do videos of your parents asking them their wishes for medical management. The HARD questions- even if they signed paperwork, it becomes important when dealing with unreasonable or emotional family members when you are in charge of advocating for them. It also gives peace of mind that you are doing right by them even when you are a grieving hot mess inside. My father pre- paid both of their cremations with their stipulation that neither wanted a service or even an announcement in the papers
      ( actually because he didn’t want it known that my mom was living in the house alone, and when my mom passed it was because I didn’t want it broadcast that their home was empty) , and it was such a relief to me that I didn’t have to make arrangements – cue again crazy sibling.

      Take pictures of their medical and insurance cards and ID, your medical POA, and store somewhere safely on your phone. It’s amazing when you take them for appointments, and it’s something they assured you was in their purse or wallet but can’t be found.

      Cultivate relationships with their friends and neighbors and have their phone numbers. They can be a good source of notifying you when your parents start to decline and “ hide” issues from you because of 1. not wanting to bother/worry you 2. fear that you realize they are reaching a point where assisted living arrangements might be imminent. If you can’t reach parent /parents it’s invaluable to have resources in the vicinity to check on them for you. Know where the spare house key is hidden outside even if you have one so others have access in emergency. We had one in a flower pot on the porch for paramedics- in case mom pressed her alert and they needed to get in.

      I also made myself known to their doctors, pharmacy drug store employees, lawyer, Dept of Aging rep, banking (get on checking and saving accounts)etc. Living 2.5 hours away it was very helpful when I had to call about meds, appointments, concerns etc.- they could put a face to my name, and knew that I was in charge of managing their issues.

      If they take any chronic pain meds please tell them to keep it private, and not have it with all their other meds, or easily accessible. We had a cousin’s son stop by wanting to help my dad with outside chores, and he stole a bunch of my mom’s OxyContin . Caution them to not announce at the drugstore in front of other customers “ I’m here for my pain pills” I worried constantly someone would steal her purse in the parking lot.

      Become familiar with your work FMLA policies for when you will have to be off for care giving. There will always be more documentation to submit, and my parent’s medical team had to fill out forms as well. Lots of faxing, re-dos, frustrations!

      So much more but these are my highlights. It was critical that I had my own support system. My hubby and friends truly were there for me. Today is #4 years my dad has been gone from colon cancer. I was with him at home holding his hand when he passed.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Seconding having at least one bank account where it’s in your name as well. Powers of Attorney generally expire right when your parent dies — to pay for the funeral and any immediate after-death expenses, you’re going to need access to an account. My dad and I had an account together that he only used rarely, and we always made sure to have the cost of a funeral in there. Right when he was going into hospice with a pretty imminent death, I was able to use my Power of Attorney to transfer some other funds in there as well so I could access them for immediate bills, like for his caregivers, etc.

    10. BookreadingRN*

      I highly recommend going with your parents to an elder care attorney. These professionals will help you navigate through all of it. I found that my mother-in-law would talk to the attorney about topics she would never talk to us about-end-of-life, funeral, finances… My husband and I found it worth every penny.

    11. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      Not to be excessively morbid, but I have found framing end of life care in terms of what life is acceptable makes more sense than framing it in terms of what medical interventions they want. Most people are willing to do just about any medical intervention temporarily. But what most don’t think about is that almost any medical issue, even if you survive, is going to tend to lower your functional level.

      For example, some people would be totally fine being bed bound in a nursing home as long as they can watch their soaps. Someone else might say if they can’t be home walking the dog every day, it’s no kind of life.

      So you might find your parent survives their hip fracture but can’t live alone or do crosswords anymore after. It’s important to ask now what they need to be happy with their life to guide how aggressive you’d want to be in agreeing to medical interventions – as a general rule of thumb, more medical interventions mean less muscle strength/mobility and worse cognition after in a proportional way.

      1. Sage*

        linked to this – I’d really recommend the book ‘Being mortal’ by Atul Gawande -he talks about learning to have these types of conversations with his patients as a surgeon, but also within his own family.

    12. Workerbee*

      Gather all of your parent’s assets: Institutions, banks, retirement funds, real estate, vehicles, approximate amounts of or in each. Then get recommendations for estate planning and an eldercare attorney who specializes in Medicaid. Check into your ADRC or other orgs that specialize in free senior living advice (from just conversations about options to actual placement in facilities).

      Estate planning will get you set up as Durable POA (includes financial) and medicai POA (standing ready to be activated by doctors when the time comes). If you can, get added as a joint owner of bank accounts, etc. Otherwise, have the POA on file with all of their institutions / make sure you are listed as a representative to talk on their behalf.

      Perhaps your parents will never need Medicaid, but if you still have time to protect and maximize their assets with an irrevocable trust and Medicaid-compliant annuity, do it before the 5-year lookback.

    13. OaDC*

      I’d include on the med list the quantity and am/pm (if they are on a number of medications and especially if they have pill boxes). Sometimes filling the pill boxes can be overwhelming, for them or for you, and using the med list as a checklist can help.

    14. captain5xa*

      If either of your parents has been in the military, make sure you have everything up to date with the VA.

      I recently went through this with my father. They helped out with home health equipment, hospice, and he actually ended up being buried in a national veteran’s cemetery with full military honors with much lowered costs. YMMV.

    15. The Cosmic Avenger*

      If/when they’re at the point where you are worried about their ability to take care of themselves and live independently, consider a tablet with video like the Amazon Echo Show so you can “drop in” if they don’t answer the phone and you’re concerned. Also consider an Apple Watch, which has fall detection and will call 911 if it detects a fall AND the person does not respond when it asks if they are OK (I think, I don’t have one, but know a few people use it for exactly this). And/or put the Life360 app on their phone, if they have a cell phone, in case they run into trouble outside the house.

      There is also a lot of literature on little things you can do around the house to reduce the risk of a fall: https://www.nia.nih.gov/health/falls-and-falls-prevention/preventing-falls-home-room-room

      1. Eldercare*

        We got my MIL one of the pendants that does fall detection and contacts the call center run by the local hospital. They have our cell numbers if needed. This helps with piece of mind.

    16. Jean (just Jean)*

      Applause for all previous posters!! Lots of useful information here.

      One other suggestion: After you’ve organized all these details for your parents/other older relative or friend, do the same for yourself, document it, and tell key people how to find the 3-ring binder or computer file. It will make life easier for everyone involved if you have a sudden medical episode. People will at least know the name of your primary care physician & specialists, what meds you take regularly, when and how to pay next month’s rent or mortgage, how to contact your sibling who lives 800 miles away, etc.

    17. Warrior Princess Xena*

      As someone dealing with an elderly family member who a) keeps falling and hurting themselves, b) refuses to have *any* sort of care, and c) is still very much compos mentis so a POA would be right out, I second the recommendation that you sit down and walk through EOL and care options with them. If having a neutral third party like an attorney or a trusted medical professional will help, get them. People don’t like having choices ‘taken away’ from them, which is the problem my family is dealing with now. Elderly family member is/was terrified of the idea of dying and refuses to discuss any sort of palliative care or support options, and now that it’s decision time we don’t have any plans in place. Getting them onboard with their own plan is a key part of all of this.

      1. Dinoweeds*

        I just want to commiserate with you on this. My dad died in 2019 and the last year of his life was basically a nightmare because he refused pretty much any and all help besides my poor legally blind mom as his caregiver. So many ambulance rides and stays at the hospital, and when we tried to bring up hospice he accused us of wanting to send him to halfway house. It was so sad and exhausting. When he was in the hospital for the last time my family and I had to make the hard choice to switch to end of life palliative care without telling him. It was for sure the right choice, but I still have a lot of feelings about how stubborn he was until the end. Sending you love.

    18. samwise*

      Medical / healthcare power of attorney. Also, see to it that your parents have wills and powers of attorney, as well as advance directives. Spend the money, retain an attorney to do all of these documents at the same time.

      Userids and passwords for all medical portals, same for retirement accounts, bank accounts, mortgage etc etc

      I working on a NOK box for my son. There are checklists online, you can also buy boxes or binders set up with all the categories.

    19. Healthcare Worker*

      Be sure you are listed on the HIPAA approved list at each of their physicians, so you can discuss their care with their providers. If their physicians have a portal where you can access your parents medical information, be sure to create a log on and password that you know. My parents never used the portal but I found it very helpful to communicate readily with the physician’s offices. Discuss with them how they pay for their medical bills – my folks had a separate charge card they used for co-pays, etc, They added me to their account as a user which made things simpler for me. I’m both a healthcare provider and a daughter – it can be a challenging journey, so be sure to surround yourself with people who can support you while you support them.

    20. Natalie*

      You all are absolutely brilliant; thank you so much! Googling this was getting me no where; asking you guys got me loads of helpful advice.

      Some of this was vaguely on my radar (they do have up-to-date wills and advanced health care directives already…but this made me realized that I need to get copies for myself)

      Loads of your advice I would not have thought of (e.g., take pictures of their medicare cards etc. so that it’s on my phone and can’t get lost; get usernames and passwords for patient portals, etc.) so that was great.

      Lots of it I didn’t even know existed/was an option (making sure I get medical power of atterney, or going with my parents to consult an eldercare attorney.) I had no idea that power of attorney didn’t automatically include medical stuff already, so that’s good to know. And while it doesn’t surprise me to learn that there are lawyers who specialize in this, I hadn’t known it before, and that could definitely be helpful.

      Also, you guys are great for helping me zoom out and look at the bigger picture, like thinking about the finances now, not when everything is on fire…and getting my FMLA ducks in a row in advance so I’m not trying to cope with my workplace’s paperwork at the worst possible moment.

      I’ve copied and pasted all of y’all’s comments into my original document, and am using them to create lists of:
      – things for me to do right away
      – things to talk to Mom and Dad about
      – things to talk to my sister about; she lives 6 hours away, but she loves them too, of course, and I want to make sure she’s in the loop on everything
      – things that don’t apply right now but might/will someday and I want to remember them.

      I know this won’t be easy, but I feel better knowing that I have more of a plan. I want to be a supportive daughter (not a bulldozer!) and do things the way they want them done, while not burning myself to a crisp.

      Thank you all so much! This is by far my favorite comment section on the internet. <3

      1. Jackie*

        Hi it’s Jackie again. I have been thinking about you since my post yesterday (that i did in the middle of the night bc i couldn’t sleep!). A few more things to add that I lived through which may be helpful.

        Keep track of the bills, and get your name added to the accounts now so that you can monitor payments online- when my father passed I had to send the phone company a copy of his death certificate to get the bill changed to my mom’s name (same phone number since 1961). My mom had to give her verbal phone permission while I was present to put me on other bills.

        If you will eventually be in charge of selling the house/property know all the details – where is the deed? how old is the roof? how much are property taxes? my mom passed july 2022, and 5 months later when the house was on the market the ORIGINAL furnace died, making it an emergent $9000 replacement in wintertime. Try to clear out as much clutter now while you have the energy but still be respectful of their concerns- I spent thousands after they both passed to clear the house, garages, and property of stuff before I could get it appraised and put on the market. As they get older it is more difficult for them to keep up routine house maintenance – something to keep in mind.

        When I found out some of the caretakers used their own funds to treat my mom to lunch or buy things she “needed” at the dollar store, I created a petty cash envelope – usually around $200 in small bills that I kept replenished–when friends, caretakers, and family members purchased things mom needed – light bulbs, groceries, gas money for using their vehicle to take mom to appointments, etc. I had them leave the receipts (or write it down) and take their cash. It worked out great, and eliminated the awkwardness of others on a fixed income letting me know they had paid for something out of their own pocket.

        This will become a second job, juggling plates in the air. I finally thought I had it figured out enough to go on much needed vacation with my husband, only to have one caretaker call me at the beach on the second day to report another caretaker was not vaccinated against Covid, despite leading me to believe she was – but this person was a favorite of my mom, and mom knew I would terminate her immediately. Which I did one phone call later–on my vacation. So there will probably be those blindsided moments at times.

        My father fortunately left a $31,000 life insurance policy, which sounds like a lot, but gets quickly eaten up by lots of expenses. I kept meticulous records of all costs, including my own, and regularly sent copies to the family lawyer for record keeping. Especially when other family members created drama and chaos, this was vitally important for my reimbursement later when the property was sold after her passing. Another poster mentioned the VA–my father was a vet, and we benefited from the services they could provide.
        I was online one day searching for information on nursing homes, when I accidentally saw something labeled “Working Daughter”. It is a members only Facebook community dedicated to offering emotional support and information navigating this exact scenario you are experiencing–the “Alison Green” of elder caregiving. Anything related to this topic can be discussed in this community. I found them to be a safe space to vent, cry, and get support – I still follow 2 years later. There is another support group related to this one for when your loved one passes. I would highly recommend checking it out.

        Wishing you all the best, and I’m glad your sibling is on your side as well. It would have been a thousand times better for me mentally if I had not had to deal with the sister dysfunction on top of everything else.

    21. Meh*

      not just medical power of attorney, but an actual discussion regarding end of life care. stuff like do they want a breathing machine, cpr (if their heart stops), thoughts on organ donation, etc.

      Even if you have medical power of attorney, those are not easy choices to make when your loved one is incapacitated. knowing what they would have wanted makes it less awful.

    22. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      My dad had a card with his meds (dosages and how often) and all of his medication allergies that he kept handy in his wallet. It was really useful for him to show to EMTs and doctors since he was hard of hearing and couldn’t always hear their questions.

  18. MaxKitty*

    In addition to medical power of attorney, directives as to levels of care (do-not-resuscitate, for example). Your state may have a standard form.

    2. Natalie*

      Thank you! :)

      They do both have advanced care directives already, which includes the kind of things you’re describing. But my Mom keeps them in a desk at their house. Reading your comment makes me think that I should maybe get copies of my own.

      1. slowingaging*

        Make a list of what everyone said above. I totally agree. Copies of your own, on all documents and cars and also pictures of them on your phone. I set up nest cameras on the doors and main rooms in the house. Keep an eye on who spends time with them. Nosy neighbors are your friends. Pay attention to what they are eating. Plan on dealing with the home and repairs and bills. Do they have friends and or hobbies and or places to go and are they doing so? Mental health is a huge part of this. Listen to what people say. HOWEVER, make decisions that will give you peace of mind. My experience has been the people with the most opinions are the ones who never show up. Don’t kid yourself this is hard. Pay attention to your physical and mental health. Also who is your back up.

        1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

          I like the point about friends/hobbies — both my parents found groups that gave them great joy during their last years at the local Senior Center. My mom was tickled to be the teacher’s assistant in an English class, and my dad really found himself in the poetry class. It’s good for them to have somewhere to look forward to going that’s not a doctor’s office.

    3. RightForms*

      Be aware that medical powers of attorney forms are not legal in every state – but there is usually some other mechanism permitting someone else to make decisions. Similarly, living wills are not binding everywhere.

  19. Somebody To Lean On*

    How do you help a friend who says she’s not getting her emotional needs met but she isn’t good about asking for help? My close friend group of 8 girls has known each other for 10 years, since we went to college together. We’re still a really close group, seeing each other once a month and planning a yearly girls trip. The last few years, one friend Emily has expressed to me that she doesn’t feel like our group is good at being there for her.

    In 2021, a dear family member of her’s passed away. This happened during lockdowns so we were limited on what we could do physically but we all expressed that we were available to talk, and we bought groceries and cooked a few meals for a week or two after the death. Emily talked to me a bit but I’m not sure about the others. She told me later that she felt largely ignored by our friend group when she needed us but she never specifically asked for anything and was very subdued when we suggested anything to her. She pointed to only me and one other person showing up for a gathering she planned when she really needed us, but it was a gathering she announced only three days ahead of time and didn’t express that it was important, just phrased it as a regular hang out.

    This past week the politics of our home county (USA) have been very prominent. We had a movie night this week. We usually chatter through the movie together so conversation is not abnormal but it’s always related to the movie. This time, with absolutely no context, Emily blurted out “The USA is currently dumpster fire isn’t it?” Personally, talking about our current political climate sent me into a panic attack a few days ago so I kind of laughed and said “Let’s not bring that up right now with this delightful movie” which the rest of our group agreed to. She told me later that she’d felt dismissed about a topic she wanted to talk about for reassurance. I apologized for shutting her down but said that I couldn’t talk about it without falling to pieces; she acknowledged the middle of the movie wasn’t the best time but she was still frustrated that no one would talk with her. I said to message our group asking to talk, because I’m sure someone would engage with her, and she just shrugged me off like the moment had passed and she wouldn’t pursue it.

    I think she’s really bad about asking for help/reassurance. Our friend group is wonderful and I know if I asked for help with something outright, they’d jump to it; they’ve done it before. But they’re not intuitive; they don’t pick up on subtle hints. I know this and act accordingly. I’ve expressed this to Emily but she still gets frustrated in various ways that the group doesn’t pick up her hints. Is there anything I can do to help her adjust her expectations of the group?

    1. Frankie Bergstein*

      It sounds like you all are really showing up for her: “ we all expressed that we were available to talk, and we bought groceries and cooked a few meals for a week or two after the death.”

      This sounds amazing and coordinated. I don’t know that you need to do much more other than reiterate that you care about her, that you want to be a good friend to her, that she’s the expert on her so anything she can tell you about the kind of support she needs will make it more possible for you to do — which you all sound very motivated to do.

      Love your friend group – sounds amazing.

    2. RagingADHD*

      Well, most people would adjust their expectations for themselves after

      a) Ten years of knowing these friends, and

      b) being told quite straightforwardly that nobody is picking up on their invisible hints, but everyone is happy to help if they understand what the person needs.

      It sounds like Emily may be stuck in some really unhelpful false beliefs, like that support and affection aren’t “real” if you have to ask directly, or that people would just automatically know what you need if they “really cared.”

      Is Emily prone to relationships where she gives/helps to her own detriment to show how much she cares? She may believe that love only matters if you are sacrificing your own needs to make others feel better – which might be why she wanted people to stop everything and comfort her even while they were also trying to manage their own distress.

      If that’s anywhere close to what’s going on with her, those aren’t the kind of entrenched beliefs a friend can change with a level-setting conversation.

      Or it may simply be that she’s too dependent on a single friend group and needs to expand her circle so she has multiple avenues to get her needs met.

    3. Dark Macadamia*

      It sounds like your group IS good at being there for her and she just has kind of unrealistic expectations of what people are able to offer with the level of communication she’s providing? I don’t think there’s anything you can do to change her perspective that you haven’t already tried.

      When she was grieving you gave verbal/emotional support and also coordinated practical support without waiting to be asked. That’s awesome! I guess maybe you could’ve done more of that sort of thing, but it also sounds like you made additional offers and she chose not to accept them. It’s not reasonable for her to expect everyone to be available on short notice for something that is presented as a Casual Hang but secretly an Important Event (I totally understand she might have felt vulnerable and downplayed it but like… a possible outcome of doing that is people will take you at your word that it’s no big deal).

      It’s not cool that she tried to talk politics in the middle of a movie without asking if others were okay with it. You were really kind in the way you redirected that situation! Y’all don’t owe her a stressful conversation just because she feels like having it. The fact that she acknowledges it was bad timing but is still mad and also refuses to ask if anyone WANTS to talk politics makes me feel especially unsympathetic to her here.

      1. Somebody To Lean On*

        Not recently but after she talked to me about feeling ignored when her family member passed away despite all our efforts, I asked what we could do for her. She couldn’t express a specific thing, just a vague wanting people to be there for her. I got the impression that she dislike we had moved onto other topics in our general when she was still deep in her grief. There was a point where I was talking about a frustrating work thing in our group chat and she snapped at me that my thing wasn’t a big deal.

        1. Chicago Anon*

          I see. I can understand a grieving person not being able to say “I need X,” because grief is like that, but it sounds like your group did enough that she had data to work with and could have said “Y isn’t working for me, could you X instead” when you asked.

          FWIW, my experience of grief is that I cannot make decisions. If a friend said, “Let’s go to lunch, at place, day, time,” I could show up, and I was grateful for the invitation, but there was no way I could have put together an outing on my own, and in fact needed help ordering when I got to the lunch place. But it sounds like Emily isn’t saying “thanks for the texts and food” but just “you’re not there for me,” without saying “I want to see you” or “I want you to text me every day.”

          I’m sorry she tried to shut you down about your thing. Grief takes a long time, but other people’s lives do go on and they (you) get to have your feelings too!

    5. Florence Reece*

      Aw. This is frustrating and I agree that it’s on her to voice her needs, which she’s not doing very clearly right now. But I do think this IS her asking for help, and she doesn’t see it as subtle hints. I think this could just be a misalignment of how y’all show and receive affection.

      I’m certain this isn’t a pattern or malicious, but it sounds like she has expressed that she wants interactions with her friends. At least a few times, her attempts to get those interactions were rejected — for good reason! and without her explicitly saying that this time was particularly important! But rejected all the same. A friend who is subdued and not talking to many of her friends after a significant loss…probably wants her friends to reach out to her and make sure she’s okay even after the first few weeks, not the other way around. A friend who brings up a worrying topic out of the blue is probably fixating and has wanted that conversation for a longer time, and feels guilty and rejected when that’s immediately shut down (even though, again, it’s for good reason). If her requests for support are soft-rejected like that frequently — or even infrequently, but at the moments when she most needs reassurance, or without an effort to make her feel included again after — it’s easy to start feeling like there’s no point in asking at all. In her mind, she’s already asked for less vulnerable things and been rebuffed, so being more direct about what she needs might just confirm that she’s not as valued as she hopes.

      To be completely transparent, I had a similar breakdown at my similarly wonderful friend group in the middle of the worst year I’ve had in a while. I tend to be the “social lubricant” person in our group (of mostly nerdy men tbf so different dynamic). I know I need to ask for things more directly. But from my perspective I’m already putting a lot of effort in to show them how much I love them, and to make sure everyone is happy and feels heard and seen and valued. It seems obvious to me that I would want a similar effort to show that I’m loved, without needing to say ‘please love me, I’m having a hard time’.

      This is completely a me-thing but when I’m struggling, my brain weasels tell me that if people don’t reciprocate my efforts like that, they just don’t really care about me. It sounds like she’s similar and she absolutely needs to work through that herself, but…it helped me a ton when I finally did snap and my friends reacted by being more proactive for me, specifically. They don’t need to do that for each other because they’re all similar levels of direct and unsentimental, but they made some minor changes like making sure I’m not being interrupted or talked over (at least not frequently), using a warmer tone and language with me, checking in more directly when it seems like I’m withdrawn or quiet, etc. If it’s possible to make minor changes like that within your group, it might help a lot, e.g. did everyone *say* they weren’t showing up to her hangout? The term “showed up” sounds like people approached it more casually, and I know personally I’d rather hear “I can’t make it but have fun, see you next time!” than crickets. I still have to manage that expectation on my end but it’s so easy for no response to ‘confirm’ that I’m just not as loved as everyone else in the group.

      As far as helping to get through to her: if this isn’t the kind of language you’ve used in these conversations, can you frame it as “we all care about you and we want to hear when you need us, we just need that to be more clear like [XYZ examples]”? And maybe a dash of “it’s not selfish or unreasonable to ask for your needs, because we really do want you to feel cared for”? I’m not sure there’s much you can do beyond that, but personally it made a huge difference to be given ‘permission’ to be ‘selfish’ because otherwise, my anxiety tells me that’s how I lose all my loved ones. It also made a huge difference to feel like my sense of rejection, however misaligned it was with how my pals actually viewed me, was being acknowledged and taken seriously by them. From their perspective, yeah, I was wrong and being overly sensitive. But that doesn’t make the pain less real for me, so how can they make sure I know that they do care and do appreciate the role I play in the group? Just knowing that they thought about my needs at all pretty much solved it for me, though we’re now enjoying a much closer relationship because of the minor shift in how they approach me. I’ve also shifted how I approach them and I’m practicing being more direct, with a group of friends I know I can be vulnerable and make mistakes with. Maybe it seems obvious that she’s safe with you, but IMO it sounds like she doesn’t feel very secure right now and that’s really hard!

      It does sound like a wonderful group, I hope y’all can smooth this over for everyone.

    6. Lizzie (with the deaf cat)*

      Emily’s life won’t change for the better until she learns how to ask for what she wants. She will continue to be disappointed and to feel rejected/neglected etc. That is harsh, isn’t it? But human beings cannot read other human beings’ minds. The idea that if someone REALLY loved us or REALLY liked us that they would just know what we felt, or wanted, or needed, and would provide it as well – it’s a myth. We have to use our words. Your friend group does not know what Emily wants because she does not tell them. If they suggest things she responds in a ‘subdued’ way. She wants them to just magically know what is important to her, and is hurt that they don’t – but it is her passivity and unrealistic expectations that are hurting her.
      Your friend group sounds like a caring one. If Emily learned how to express what she wanted, it seems like a group that would be responsive. But she has to show them that she wants it.
      Learning to be more assertive doesn’t mean you get what you want – but it does mean you can speak about it, and it does increase your chances. There’s lots of stuff online about how to become more assertive, which is worth reading, but face to face teaching and support from a counsellor will make the most difference for her. She needs to understand that her passivity will go on making her unhappy, leading to helplessness and hopelessness, but that she can learn to change so that she can find her voice and be heard.
      As always, Captain Awkward will have advice on ‘using your words’!

    7. Ellis Bell*

      This is a skill she’s never developed, right? Unless you remember her doing this in the past it’s a new thing she’s never done; possibly because she didn’t need it before now. Now that she’s going through some hard stuff and anxiety, it’s the worst possible time to learn this skill (a warning to us all) and she’s just got to wrestle with it and put up with her own missteps. So, this isn’t something you can do for her, she just has to decide for herself that she will take the risk of looking needy and occasionally being rejected (because even close friends will reject a request from time to time, as you all rightly prioritized mental health and movie night over a spur of the moment conversation request; many of you prioritised existing plans over something with three day’s notice). The key is not to persuade her that she won’t ever have her requests rejected, but for her to see that it has nothing to do with rejection of her, or her friendship, so she can embrace the occasional rejection and bounce back from it. So, what can you do? I think the best thing would be to model, rephrase, and allow her to feel however she feels. So modelling would be making your own requests for support in front of her as much as possible, as well as modelling a response to people not being available well. “I knew it was short notice, and I know I’ll still see you at the monthly get together”. Whereas rephrasing would remind her that a rejection of an invitation or a conversation is not the same thing as a rejection of her as a person. It would look something like “I so wish I could talk to you about politics because you are so important to me. Unfortunately wanting to, just doesn’t make a difference to the reality of my panic attacks. I’m not the audience for this topic, but please try me with the next thing you need to talk about.” People are going to have realities that are not a reflection of her importance to them. However, right now she’s looking for excuses to not to try out an emotional skill that’s new to her (“why bother, they don’t care anyway etc”) so phrase the situation as it really is before she has a chance to twist it: “People still love you even when they can’t make it”. Thirdly it’s up to her how she feels so just let her sit with it. “I wish you’d ask for help if you need someone to talk to about this and so would everyone else; I’m glad you’ve spoken to me even though I can’t help. But if you really don’t want to ask the others, I guess you have your reasons.”

      1. Somebody To Lean On*

        There is someone in our friend group who models asking for support. One friend is a mom to a two year old (shes the first with a kid in our friend group) who is also dealing with a very strained relationship with her horrible mother. Nearly every other week, she’s on our group chat talking about the struggles of being a mom or this terrible thing her mother said to her. We all flock to the chat to reassure her that she’s a great mom and her own mother is trash and other such support. Emily sees this and has told me she’s frustrated by how frequently that friend takes over the chat for her issues. I admit it’s a lot but still this is someone in our group who very blatantly is asking for support and she gets it every time. But Emily doesn’t seem to see the correlation and even dislikes these pleas for support.

        1. Sloanicota*

          Ha wait am I Emily. I think I’m more critical of people who are direct sometimes because I’m like “wait, you can just … do that?? That’s not fair!” (I obviously do not say that, this is my inner monologue). If Emily is the type to puzzle things out, you might share some of the ask culture/guess culture dialogue with her. She sounds like a very committed Guesser, and it’s not working for her in this group. There’s nothing wrong with Ask or Guess but it’s possible to be a miss-fit in the culture you find yourself surrounded by, and that’s very frustrating if you don’t understand big picture what’s going on.

          1. Banana Pyjamas*

            Exactly. She’s a Guess culture person in an Ask culture group, and it’s really not a fit.

            1. allathian*

              Yeah, no. I’m a committed Asker and I do not do well with Guessers. Thankfully my bluntness seems to drive them away before they become a problem.

          2. Dark Macadamia*

            Lol I’m also an Emily and finding Emily really annoying in this thread. This… is probably why I don’t have friends. Emily should appreciate that she managed to stumble into this Ask group even if she’s a Guess!

        2. Ellis Bell*

          Oh, yeah, she’s definitely a guess person. She’s been taught that asking is rude, or at the very least she feels like it is rude. She has every example you could want for someone to learn the culture of the group, it’s really up to her if she can get on board with what she’s seeing. She’s bringing up examples retrospectively because it’s rude to ask beforehand, and you’re supposed to be learning from your failure to guess when she raises these mistakes. All you can do is rephrase how “helpful” it is to have your other friend tell you what she needs and to “use your words” if she has an issue going unnoticed. If she’s really firmly into guess culture though, only someone paying attention to her cues will register as attentiveness though.

    8. ABanon*

      Maybe tell her that you’re happy with the group & also not responsible for others in the group (suggesting she speak to them directly vs complaining to you). If she has a specific need, of course she can voice that. If she doesn’t have a specific need but just generally thinks people should be doing more for her, perhaps she should recognize the limitations of the group & find other forms of support. I had a friend named Emily who believed she’d be happier if only her friends (ahem, me) would do more for her. As it turned out, that idea felt easier to her than doing the actual work to improve her own life and mental health. I tried to fill her bottomless pit of need, but eventually had to acknowledge that was impossible for me to do. Perhaps your Emily needs other forms of support, like grief counseling, treatment for anxiety or depression; maybe journalling, long walks, dinners with family; or being more vocal about her needs as others suggest (if she can get in tune with her needs to express them). But it’s fine for you to decline to take on the responsibility of making the group make her happy or fulfilling all her needs yourself — it’s not even necessarily a thing that’s possible to do. I’d encourage her to speak with the person she has a problem with directly and leave you out for example, continue to tell her you’re not the right person to support her political worries, do as you’ve been doing in terms of reaching out but tell her you’re not equipped for more, perhaps point her to other resources when you can. We can’t be everything for anybody and that’s okay.

    9. Alex*

      It sounds like Emily might need more than just gal pals. Does she have a therapist?

      Friends are not there to serve you solutions to your vague emotional needs. Adults need to figure out how to get their own needs met–even if that means asking others for help, adults need to learn how to make specific and reasonable requests.

      For example, Emily accused others of not meeting her emotional need to discuss politics, but her way of going about it was to demand that We Talk Right Now About What I Want, and then expressing frustration when it didn’t turn out as planned. It isn’t your job to a) Read her mind and b) put your own mental health on hold to take care of hers. She needs to be able to hear “Oh, I’m sorry, I care about you but can’t do that now” and then find some other outlet, not put the burden on others.

      It seems like she may need to learn some skills in this department and that is best handled by a therapist.

    10. Magdalena*

      Hmmm.

      It does seem to me like a mismatch in perceived level of friendship, here.

      With close friends, I do think that knowing that a close friend is feeling lonely and lost does require some initiative on my part without them having to explicitly tell me “I need you to call me at x intervals to ask how I’m doing, and oh could you accept my invitations to hang out during a vulnerable time even if I don’t spell out that I’m not inviting you just for breezy fun”.

      With her loss in 2021 her support circle bought groceries and cooked a few meals for a week or two after the death
      which is very neighborly and nice of you but also yeah grief often hits the hardest after the first few weeks when the funeral-related errands are over. This is where we are often advised to reach out to the grieving person and offer X (like a walk, a meet up, a grocery run) instead of telling them to reach out “if there’s anything we can do” which, in grief, can be hard and vulnerable to do.

      So yeah, it does seem to me like she has signalled to the group that she is feeling vulnerable and needs support. After being rebuffed, even if that rebuffal was justified, I do think the kind thing to do might be to offer support in another way, such as a walk or another activity, without her having to ask explicitly again. Asking for help is easy when we’re feeling relatively okay but can be very hard when you’re feeling vulnerable and especially after a clumsy attempt at seeking reassurance has been rebuffed.

      If you like this person I would just offer the kind of support I was willing to offer. Even something small. But I do think it’s a marker of friendship that if a friend sends out a bit for attention I ping her back so to speak. Can’t talk politics (I couldn’t either), not up for long talk about feelings (too draining) but I’ll do something one on one, even if no feelings get discussed.

  20. Anon Poster*

    I have iPhone questions! I need a new phone, and I’ve always had Androids, usually Samsungs. I got my first iPad last year and really like it, so I was thinking I might get an iPhone this time, just to try it out and see how the other half lives. But I have questions about potentially making the switch. Is it possible to move your photos, contacts, etc. from a Samsung to an iPhone in a way that won’t make life temporarily super annoying? Has anyone switched from one phone to another and regretted it? A quick look at my phone service provider’s website shows that they sell iPhone models from iPhone 13 up to a lot of different verisions of the iPhone 15. How the heck do you choose from that many options? I know so little about what our phones are capable of, I pretty much only use mine for texting, web browsing, and Spotify. Any insight would be greatly appreciated!

    1. Someone stole my croissant*

      I switched from the android ship to apple and have not regretted it. I didn’t go for the top of the line model, I went for a cheaper option, the 3rd gen or something. Didn’t have all the bells and whistles, but one camera, 64 gigs, was perfectly sufficient for me. I went with a cheaper option than the top of the line in case I regretted it (I didn’t).

      1. Hlao-roo*

        I went for a cheaper option, the 3rd gen or something

        I also have an iPhone SE 3rd generation. Like Someone stole my croissant said, it doesn’t have all the bells and whistles but it does all the things you’ll want it to (texting, web browsing, Spotify). It also has the smallest screen size of the iPhones, which could be a plus (easier to hold) or a minus (smaller screen for web browsing).

    2. noname today*

      Re how to choose
      You need at least a 12 to get on 5G networks
      13 was the first with three camera lenses ( for me my phone is just a camera that I can go online/work from). It was as young as I was willing to go when upgrading my niece’s 8 before she went in her first trip with friends to Europe.
      Having said that, the 13 wasn’t all that cheaper (with apple care) than the current 15

      2. Banana Pyjamas*

        Quick google shows that iPhone SE manufactured after 2022 support 5G. Personally I wouldn’t worry about 5G coverage since it’s pretty poor in my area. Perhaps check coverage maps and see if your area even has 5G coverage.

    3. WellRed*

      The store employee swapped all my contacts and photos over (took forever). I picked primarily based on my budget but also camera functionality.

    4. Sloanicota*

      I will say, as a lifelong android person, the later phones are becoming increasingly iphone-like; I ended up getting an iphone due to some sort of special that was going on, and having never used one nor an Apple computer I was prepared for a difficult transition; but I personally found it more similar than I expected. Only a few things about navigating the home screen are different really and I just googled questions. It might be a bigger switch if you went from an older android to a newer iphone?

    5. HamlindigoBlue*

      When I switched from Android to iOS, it was easy since everything was in the Google ecosystem. Photos, contacts, web, mail, etc. I just connected my Google account on the iPhone, and everything was there.

    6. Ron McDon*

      I did the same, swapped from android to apple, and I love my iPhone!

      I bought a refurbished apple 11 a few years ago – an iPhone bought from Apple has a 12 month warranty, so I looked for a refurbished one with a 12 month warranty, and saved a lot of money.

      My son did the same when buying his first iPhone with his own, earned, money. He had an issue with the microphone about 3-4 months in and sent it back for repair. Then something else went wrong and it had to be sent in again – he successfully argued that it wasn’t fit for purpose, and they sent him a new (refurbished) phone.

      I’ve bought 3-4 refurbished phones in the past decade (for me/my kids) and that was the only one that had an issue. We use Back Market now (the one from Mazuma mobile was the one that kept going wrong).

    7. Weegie*

      I switched from android to an iPhone 13 last year. Moving stuff across was no problem, and there were many things about the iPhone I liked, but ultimately I couldn’t get on with the operating system (I am a creature of habit!) and switched back to android after a week. The relief of the return to familiarity was immense! Especially being able to use some favourite apps that weren’t available on iPhone.

    8. Observer*

      If you are the kind of person who switches phones frequently, go for it and get an older model – but not too old – to save some money.

      If you tend to hold on to your phone for a long time I would say to be cautious. There are a lot of similarities, but there still are some real differences that can make you a bit nuts. So do some reading. Also, if you know anyone who has an older phone that you can borrow for a few days to play with – not for real use but just to get a better sense of how it operates, it would be a good idea. The iPad is just different enough from a phone that it could make a difference to you.

      If you decide on an iPhone, don’t go too far back. One generation back is good. And the advice to wait till the next model comes out is very good. Because (on top of all of the other reasons) all of the iPhones older than the 15 use a proprietary connector (Lightning). Right now those are extremely common because the iPhone has so much market share. But now the Apple has move to USB-C, that’s going to start phasing out. If you keep your phones only for 2-3 years, that is unlikely to be a problem for you. But if you tend to go 5-6 years, you could find yourself dealing with stupid situation over the lack of a cable.

  21. office hobbit*

    (NOT seeking medical advice.)

    My doctor has suggested I track a big swath of symptoms and potential triggers for several months. It’s a mix of qualitative and quantitative measurements (like, quantitatively, blood pressure is such and such. qualitatively, I feel bad). I’m looking for suggestions for ways to track this. Does anyone have a favorite app for this? Or another tracking method that you like?

    My past tracking has been old school paper notes, but I don’t know if those will be useful for such a long period of time. Ideally I’d like something that’s simple enough to keep up with, but will also let me amalgamate the data in some way without having to look at each individual day to find patterns. (I’m envisioning those scenes in movies where they press the final button and all the squiggly graphs indicate the clear answer. lol!)

    1. chi chan*

      Excel spreadsheet. Make a Likert scale for all qualitative stuff. And quantitative could be numbers. You could make a daily form on google or just directly plug data in excel with an index number and date and time.

    2. Florence Reece*

      Bearable App! This is basically THE use case for Bearable. You’ll likely want to customize it a bit for your needs, but it’s all about tracking day-to-day symptoms, both qualitative and quantitative. It has lots of reports and can identify trends (i.e. your symptoms are worse when you drink coffee; your mood is better when you spend time with friends; whatever). You can even break the tracking down into morning/afternoon/evening if desired, and can toggle that per category so maybe how you feel is daily and your BP is every morning and night. You can add free-form notes to every measurement if you want to give extra context.

      It is a little much when you’re starting out, but it sounds like you have a list of things to track which IMO is the biggest hurdle! Take an hour to set it up and I think it will be exactly what you need.

      Whatever method you choose, I hope the tracking is fruitful and helps you get the right treatment!

    4. Shutterdoula*

      When I needed to do this, I made myself a private google form, and set an alarm on my phone for half an hour before bedtime. I filled out the form every day, and at the end of the month, downloaded it into a .csv file I could open in a spreadsheet.

      1. LizB*

        Oh, this is brilliant. I’m going to have to do this next time I need to track anything.

    5. office hobbit*

      Thank you! I was wondering if Excel/google forms might be the best option, despite the legwork to set it up. I’m looking into Bearable now but I’m not sure if not being able to track specific times will work for what I need…much to consider. It looks like Flaredown isn’t available for Android unfortunately!

      1. BubbleTea*

        I use Daylio for a similar purpose, and although you can set reminders at specific times to prompt you to record, you can also add entries at any time. I paid a small one off fee to get the pro version as it’s very adaptable.

    6. Ouchienonymous*

      I use Chronic Insights, which is highly customizable. It’s created by and for people with chronic pain and illness, so it has 3D models to track pain levels, and you can customize symptoms you want to track and see them over time. It also syncs with your Apple Watch, if you’re using that.
      I also like it because they place a high value on anonymity and privacy, so they don’t sell your data to third parties.

  22. Empress Ki*

    Is it xenophobic to say “Excuse my French” ? I am French and I don’t like it when someone swears or says something offensive and says this just after. I know it is just an idiom, but it is supposed to mean that the French are rude.

    1. Not French*

      Don’t know about xenophobic, but I believe you’ve got it backwards. My understanding is that you say “excuse my French” because of course French people are so polite they would never swear/say something so offensive. It’s, I don’t know, sarcasm? self-deprecation? something like that. It’s not meant to diss French people.

    2. NeonFireworks*

      I have to admit that I’ve never understood this phrasing so I’ve never used it!

    3. mreasy*

      I have always taken it to mean “I said a word you, person of great propriety, of course do not understand, so it may as well be in a foreign language.” Meaning, my swear word is as unknown to you as if it were in a language you do not speak. The different interpretations are interesting!

      1. Sloanicota*

        Yeah that’s interesting, I guess I was assuming the implied joke was that what you said was some kind a French word (“fouque”) rather than what it obviously was. I

        1. tree frog*

          I mean that word does exist (phoque–it means seal) but I don’t think that’s the origin of the phrase.

    4. Monkey's Paw Manicure*

      Given the rich history of countries blaming each other for things, wouldn’t the French version be “Excuse my English?”

    5. Ellis Bell*

      That’s not the origin of the meaning at all. Higher social classes in English society knew how to speak French, and the lower classes did not. It was considered rude for someone of high social standing to speak French around someone who did not. Using it for swear words is a reversal joke using contrast humour because swear words are crude and have low class connotations.

      1. RagingADHD*

        Yes, this is similar to my understanding – the bridge between the two concepts is “I am committing a faux pas, but there is no other way to express exactly what I mean.”

      2. Alex*

        Yes, this is how I always understood that phrase to imply. Something akin to “I’m pretending the words I just said are super fancy” when really they are the crassest words. So it is implying that the opposite of curse words is French.

        But I guess I have no reason to really think this, just how I always thought of the phrase.

    6. allathian*

      I’m not sure it’s meant that way, but there’s a long tradition of the French and English hurling insults at each other. A soldier going AWOL, that is, deserting his post without permission is a classic example. The English (used to) say going AWOL was “to take French leave” and the equivalent French expression is “filer a l’anglaise” (sorry, no diacritics on my phone).

      1. Empress Ki*

        Oh that’s true, we have a couple of expressions about the English people. One is “Les anglais debarquent”, “The English arrive.” It means I have my periods.
        But I wouldn’t say that to an English person.

        2. Monopoly money*

          Ha ha! I worked with someone from Finland who called her period “her communist friend”.

      2. Ellis Bell*

        Yes there are lots of phrases which are xenophobic or genuinely taking a pop at French people; French leave is probably the most well known. But there are more phrases which basically subs in the word “French” for anything you want to sound to sound elevated or fancy like french kiss, or french braid. This just really isn’t one of the xenophobic remarks because French origin words in English are noticeably more elevated and polite; if you are swearing then you are definitely using the most Anglo Saxon of words and you’re calling it “French” ironically.

      3. mreasy*

        Interesting that some call leaving a party without saying goodbye a “French Exit” and some call it an “Irish Exit”!

    7. ecnaseener*

      Here’s what Wiktionary says about the origin of “French” in reference to vulgar language:

      originally in reference to actual (but often mildly impolite) French expressions by the upper class, subsequently adopted ironically by the lower class for English cursewords under the charitable conceit that the listener would not be familiar with them.

      So no, it’s not xenophobic in origin, and FWIW as a native English speaker it’s genuinely never had any sort of “French = bad” connotations to me.

    8. Happily Retired*

      I have heard this phrase all my life (and I’m almost 70), and I have never heard it used in a way to imply that the French are rude. If maybe it ever started out that way, this connotation is long gone.

      The best I can come up with is that it’s meant to imply, “Of course, I never, or hardly ever, swear, so this word to me is as if it’s in a foreign language.” And in the US, at least, until maybe 30-40 years ago, French (and French literature) was generally considered to be “the” foreign language one would study in K-12 grades, with Spanish a not-very-close second.

      Now with the globalization of so much these days, there’s a more pragmatic approach, with Spanish and Chinese more frequently studied, although Chinese is more difficult to offer, as there are fewer teachers.

      FWIW, I took 5 years of French and 2 of German in high school, and a year each of French, German, and Latin in college. I’ve forgotten most of it other than randomness like “nach Hause” vs “zu Hause”, but it’s very handy for choral music. I can’t count to 20 in any of them without flipping into a different language, though. XD

      I also think the upper class “pas devant les domestiques” and sarcastic reversal by those of lower social rank is pretty convincing.

    9. Apex Mountain*

      I believe it originated in the old TV show Family Affair, where there was a butler named Mr French. He was considered part of the family though, so “pardon my French” was how the teenager daughter would introduce him to her friends in a cool teen slang sort of way.

    10. Juneybug*

      That’s why I say “excuse my bad language” when I cuss. No reason to make it sound like I don’t like the French.

  23. Love means being seen*

    What are your thoughts on how to convey parental love in a way that the kid gets, feels, believes?

    It’s abundantly clear to me that I love my child very much, and do my very best to make him feel loved. But it doesn’t always seem to be as obvious to him, and he questions it quite often with comments like “you hate me” etc.

    As a kid, I never felt my father cared about me. After growing up and becoming a parent I have realized that he did, in fact, care deeply about me, and I can see all the things he actually did for me. It’s just that it didn’t register as “love” for 7yo/10yo/16yo me. Maybe same for my kid? How do I turn this around?

    I’m sure there are many with childhoods like mine, with well meaning parents who somehow still failed at this. But I’d be especially interested in hearing from the ones among you who had parents who succeeded in making you feel loved — what did they do, how did they do that? So curious about your experiences!

    1. Goldie*

      Say I love you all the time
      Admire them and talk positively about them
      Go to their activities
      Show interest in what they like

      Some thoughts on what my dad did-he actually only did the first two and it worked

      1. Tinamedte*

        Oh, I used to say “I love you” every day at bedtime, but eventually he complained about me saying that ”all the time”. I think it rang untrue to him somehow. Now I phrase it differently and try to vary the timing in order to not get his defenses up :-) (but I always mean it when I say it). I am working on talking even more positively about him too. Thanks for your suggestions!

    2. Scientist*

      At risk of stating the obvious: SAY “I love you” every single day. Multiple times a day.

      Also, give the physical affection that you know your kiddo likes – physical touch between parents and kids is so important. Hugs, snuggles, kisses on top of head, shoulder rub.

      Give lots of positive reinforcement and positive feedback – at least five positive things (even if they’re super small) for every correction or admonishment.

      1. Love means being seen*

        I too believe in the 5:1 ratio of positive reinforcement vs critique — it’s just that I seem to go wrong (in his view) about what is positive feedback :-/ e.g. if I praise for doing something kind but get one detail wrong, he will get mad about that detail, instead of happy about the compliment. Guess I’ll still have to help up with it though :-)

        Luckily, we have good physical affection. I hug him a lot, caress his cheek etc, and we sleep in the same bed. He has also taken to suddenly going “hug attack!” which means he needs a big hug from me or else “he will probably die” (said tongue in cheek). So that’s pretty sweet, and helps me know that he can ask for hugs when he needs them, too.

    3. Hanne*

      I had lots of hugs and “I love you’s” growing up. I still have that from them and vice versa.
      Spending time doing things together, always a listening ear, saying “thank you” for small acts like bringing a drink or something else.

    4. Amey*

      I agree with everyone else, say “I love you” lots and spontaneously. Hug them if they like hugs, snuggle up with your arm around them to read bedtime stories. Pay good attention when they talk to you and respond with interest. The tip about making sure you have 5 encouraging/supportive comments to every critical one is great – I am going to put this into force immediately with my sensitive 9 year old.

      Look up Dr Laura Markham and “special time”. It’s about connecting with your child for a short period every day and really helps, particularly if your are very busy and don’t often get to give them undivided attention.

    5. iced americano*

      This is such an interesting question. Everyone received love really differently. But I do have some thoughts: 1) I’m reminded of Toni Morrison’s quote about parenting – making sure your face lights up when your child enters a room (if you Google “Toni Morrison parenting quote” a great article by Brené Brown will show up about this). 2) your title about “being seen” makes me think about Dr. Becky Kennedy and her Good Inside parenting approach which is about love and safety but also this idea of helping kids affirm that they are real, and that what they are feeling is real. You might like her book if you haven’t read it already! 3) Are there times where it’s really clear your child is thriving, feels loved and seen, and you’re really really connecting? What’s usually happening in those moments? Maybe something to observe and think about to pick up on what works best for you both (doing something new together, lazing around cuddling, etc.) and making sure you are carving out time for that. It sounds like you’re already doing so much reelection about this and considering your own relationship to this feeling – that can kick up a lot of stuff from the past, but is so important. Hope you are also taking gentle care of yourself :)

    6. Kate*

      How old is your kiddo?

      I feel this very much, because I did not feel especially loved growing up, and I don’t feel especially maternal now!

      That said, we talk about it, my kiddo and I!

      We talk (a lot) about how different people show love different ways — Harrison’s mom shows him she loves him by being really involved in every school event, Dad’s terrible at hugs but shows you he loves you by doing your duolingo every day when you’re at overnight camp so you don’t lose your streak, Mum hates going to school events but is already ready to give you a huge hug on a bad day and then sit quietly in commiseration…

    7. Jay (no, the other one)*

      How old is the kid? And in what context is he saying this? If it’s “You hate me because you make me do the dishes” I think that’s pretty typical kid stuff…

      agree with all the comments about saying “I love you.” Really listen – even when he’s talking about stuff that makes your eyes glaze over or even that you actually object to. When she was a tween, my daughter strongly preferred me to my husband in part because he thought her interests were shallow and he made that clear even though he didn’t say so in so many words. I wasn’t particularly interested in Justin Bieber’s antics but I listened to her (and to his music) anyway. To his eternal credit, he figured that out and turned it around.

      In a moment when things are good, maybe say “hey, I hear you say you think I hate you and I’d like to know more about that” and then listen. Don’t argue or defend. Reflect back (“So you really don’t like it when I interrupt you while you’re playing a game”) so he knows you hear it. If you’re doing something that you can change, maybe try to change it. And tell him again that you love him.

    8. Sloanicota*

      How old is the child? If young, this might not mean literally that he doesn’t feel you love him, so much that in the moment he’s got an unmet need. If it’s a young teenager I’d have a different answer than a six year old (we had that discussion about young children saying “I hate you” and if they meant that, which we concluded they do not). But I did once hear the tip that you should let the child overhear you praise and compliment them to others. It hits differently than what you say to them. Also, read them the poem “Those Winter Sundays” by Robert Hayden, which always reminds me of my father. “What did I know, what did I know
      of love’s austere and lonely offices?”

      1. fposte*

        As so often, I agree with Sloanicota. I knew my dad loved me; he said it all the time and hugged me with annoying frequency. But I didn’t always feel loved the way I wanted to be, because “You don’t love me/you hate me” could mean anything from “I have an unmet need that I can’t articulate any other way” to “You are angry with me and I find that stressful” to “I want you to know I’m hurting.” Depending on the age of the kid, maybe one thing to do rather than just loving them audibly is to follow upon that statement with something like “I very much do love you, but it sounds like you may want a kind of response I’m not giving. Do you know what that would be? I’d really like to support you.”

        1. Sloanicota*

          Ha, without revealing myself further, I can only say that I switched pen-names and we used to occasionally agree under a prior name too, so we must be kindreds of some kind.

    9. Not A Manager*

      Random thoughts:

      1. Kids are good at pushing your buttons, and it’s actually part of their growth process to learn how to do it. If he knows that you feel it keenly when he says “you hate me,” or that you respond in an interesting way, he’ll continue to say the magic phrase. You know how when kids say “I hate you,” the stock response is a cheery “well, I love you!” I would actually employ that in response to “you hate me.” “Don’t be silly, of course I love you!” and move on.

      2. Kids sometimes have big feelings that they can’t process appropriately and so they project them onto others. Is it possible that sometimes your child doesn’t feel loving toward *you,* and that scares him, and he wonders what would be the horrible consequences if you didn’t love him?

      3. Try talking to him about all of this in an age appropriate way. I would NOT do this in the immediate context of “you hate me.” In a different context, let’s a say a book or a movie where someone expresses love in a non-verbal way or in an interesting way, talk about how was that character feeling? Was it love? What are different ways people express love? Why might it be loving to say no or set a boundary? How can people who love each other still need time to themselves or have different interests? Can someone be very angry and still love the other person? What are ways that people can feel distant from each other and still reconnect?

      Obviously this discussion doesn’t happen from one prompt or in one sitting. The idea is that you find safe, external situations to discuss. You don’t have to explicitly circle them back to him all the time. But you can ask him, in those contexts, “what are things that (other parent, babysitter, close adult) and I do that express our love for you?” You can tell him things that he does (and that maybe other adults in your life do) that feel loving to you. I think if you open up these conversations, you’ll get a better idea of what’s going on with him.

      1. Love means being seen*

        I wish I had more time to craft a reply to your wise comment, but at least I can pop in to say that I feel you have a point in everything you write here, and I will try you suggestions out. Thank you!

    10. office hobbit*

      In addition to what others have said, I have a couple more concrete things. Honestly I was a very cynical child, so if someone told me they loved me but didn’t show it through concrete actions my little child-brain could see and understand, I wouldn’t have believed them.

      Remember things about them (specifically, in a way they can see/are aware of). Favorite or disliked foods, colors, activities, styles, etc. It can have a big impact to have someone say “I saved the pink one for you” (when pink is your favorite color), or “let’s not get burgers again, because [child] doesn’t like them,” or “I was at the library and saw this book on [favorite topic] I thought you might like, so I got it for you.” If the child is very young this might all seem like background noise, but to me from about age 7-9+ this would have shown I was taking up space in someone’s mind even when I wasn’t there, which I think is part of loving someone.

      This one, I’m not sure how you would make it happen, but I’ll mention anyway because it made a big impact. It’s in the vein of letting your child see when you make a big effort for them (but if you deliberately told them that it wouldn’t work the same). When I was young my parents had a lot of Grown-up Issues to deal with (scary health news, big job changes, etc.) that obviously they had to prioritize so they would be, you know, alive and able to support us, but in the meantime I did feel overlooked a lot. In the midst of this, near my birthday, my mom was volunteering at my school and when I went to ask her a question, I interrupted her while she was handsewing something. I didn’t think anything of it and asked her my question and left. Then she gave me that for my bday gift. I still have it, because every time I look at it I remember my mom, between chemo sessions, hauling that thing to my elementary school to volunteer with the other moms, and pulling it out to work on in some spare minutes so she would finish on time.

    11. anononon*

      Mainly they told me so, and in genuine ways. Without getting into details, the way my dad treated me as a kid was…less than ideal. He was often angry with me. But he also had a little song he sang to me every day about how much he loved me. And he meant it.

    12. RagingADHD*

      Honestly? The Five Love Languages concept really helped me navigate the differences between my kids.

      You don’t necessarily have to read the book, you can find lots of summaries online. Someone can intellectually understand that they are loved, but there are certain ways of expressing it that really touch their heart and are meaningful to them. If you’re always expressing love in a “foreign language” to them, it doesn’t make them feel understood and like they belong. Everybody has one or two dominant ways of showing & feeling affection, and when there’s a mismatch, it’s not going to connect unless someone takes initiative to “learn” the other person’s language.

      On the flip side, if they are receiving love in their primary languages (getting their core needs met), they become more sensitive and receptive to the other languages.

      This was tricky for me because my elder child is tuned to quality time and physical affection, like me – snuggle on the couch and watch a movie is perfect for us both. My younger child is tuned to gifts and acts of service. So in the early teen years when she was going through all those hormone changes and friend drama, she got less able to feel love outside her dominant languages, and it was a struggle to connect because I felt like she always just wanted me to buy her stuff and do her chores for her. (Which seemed like she was “spoiled”.)

      When I remembered the love languages concept, I was able to connect with her on that level in different ways that didn’t compromise reasonable boundaries of good parenting, because the gifting language doesn’t necessarily have to be expensive things, and the acts of service don’t necessarily have to be waiting on someone hand and foot. You can incorporate it in a lot of little ways.

      I agree with others that “You hate me!” can just be a kid’s reaction to being told no. But if you in your parental instinct feel like there may be a real disconnect, maybe you can find ways to bridge that by adding in different modes of affection that might fill that cup for him.

      1. Jay (no, the other one)*

        Yes. For a variety of reasons that I won’t get into, my kid needed us a lot of reassurance that we loved her and saying it wasn’t enough. Showing we remembered the things she loved made a big difference. The big frosted cookie from the grocery bakery. A box of candy corn. Something soft and fuzzy for her room – she was a blankie-toting baby and she still loves a soft nest.

        And I learned very early on that “Mom, will you take me to the mall?” didn’t always mean “buy me something.” It often meant “there’s something upsetting I need to talk to you about and it will be easier in the car where you can’t look at me.” So I always took her.

    13. Childhood*

      Eeek, if my parents told me they loved me multiple times a day, every day I would be so uncomfortable. It would feel performative. Do you remember what you talk about with your child — who their friends are, which one did what, etc.? Do you have other children – do you treat them relatively the same? For me, I was always the smarter one who loved learning, books,etc. and one year for Christmas my sibling got a desk. This was 40+ years ago and I still remember it because it made me feel like they didn’t really understand me. At the same time I can see that they a lot of things to make me feel special.

      I think no matter what you do (or don’t do), you can’t control how your child will remember their childhood.

      1. BubbleTea*

        I tell my son I love him when I feel a burst of affection, and also when I am feeling a bit annoyed and recognise that I’m being unreasonable. It’s always genuine, but the tone and motivation is different – the second kind is a reminder to us both, and diffuses the tension. I also always say it at bedtime. One of the things I vowed when he was born was to tell him I loved him every day of his life, and I have done so.

      2. allathian*

        Yeah, I can’t remember my parents ever telling me in so many words that they loved me, yet I remember growing up in a loving family. I never doubted that my parents loved me and my sister. They always listened to us and took our concerns seriously. There was a lot of laughter in our home, but we were never the butts of their jokes.

    14. Dark Macadamia*

      Agree with others that it depends somewhat on age and the situation. Like the other day when I said “I love you” my daughter (9) said “no you don’t” because she had recently gotten in trouble, and I didn’t really argue because she was mad and needed a “win.” But she often gets upset when her sister gets complimented and I’ve sat down with her and directly said “do you feel like we don’t compliment you enough?” and then told her a bunch of things she does that impress me, and promised to make an effort to compliment her more often.

    15. Shutterdoula*

      Tell them you love them, but also tell them WHY. Things like (for a 10 year old) “I love you, it’s so fun to be silly with you!” or (for a teenager) “I know we don’t agree on current events, but one of the things I love about you is how you’re always willing to talk and share your reasons with me.”
      Invest time and energy into learning about what they are passionate about. My husband’s dad was an academic who didn’t care about sports or know anything about sports. But when my husband developed a love for sports in second grade, his dad would watch games with him, take him to an occasional game, and ask him how his team was doing. When my husband was about 10, he wanted to make a chart to keep in his room of all the games in the upcoming season, and my FIL helped him make it. When my FIL turned 80, my husband made a list of 80 fond memories with his dad as a gift, and probably 2/3 of them were childhood sports things.

    16. Ellis Bell*

      The love from my parents was palpable, and I don’t think they expressed it as ‘I love you’ every single day, although they were very free with verbal affection when it came up. I think the main ways I received this message was:
      1) Joyfulness. My parents were happy people and they were happy around each other and us. My mum had her issues with confidence, and my dad loathed his job, but when we were all together at home we were happy; just as kids blame themselves when parents are unhappy, I think kids will equally take the credit for having happy parents.
      2) Time together. We had breakfast together, we had dinner at the table together, we were expected to spend time together for some part of the evening and were read to/kissed or bid goodnight. We went on day trips at the weekend a lot, sometimes spontaneously. They behaved like of course they wanted to hang out with us, and persisted with that, even if we got a little bratty about it as teenagers or tried to push them away.
      3) Persistent watchfulness. One thing I think they were both really good at is being alert and they noticed if we were unhappy. They really persisted and kept it on the front burner if they thought we were getting into a habit of not bothering people with our feelings, or getting into our own heads too much. They would both say “We can’t help unless you tell us what’s wrong”, which made it clear both that it was my choice and that they wanted to help. Kids want to make their parents proud! It can take some prodding to get them to divulge the little feelings of shame and vulnerability 4) Really specific and genuine praise. Hearing that you’re loved is great, but hearing about exactly why you’re lovable is a good thing to children, who lets face it, spend a lot of their time making mistakes and missteps. They were our biggest cheerleaders and they knew us as people outside of just being their kids and they weren’t afraid to say what our strengths were, or how we were different to other people, and how that was a good thing. We were also praised for taking risks and failing, which is such a tough thing for kids to do.

    17. goddessoftransitory*

      For me? I’d say that when you notice a phrase or action really, really bugs your child, try to quit doing it. Even if you think it’s for their long term good.

      For instance, I know, for sure, that my parents loved/love me deeply. But when I would ask my dad a question, he’d always answer “what do you think?” Well, I don’t know dad, or I wouldn’t have asked! It was clear that I was frustrated and wanted his guidance, and he thought he was showing me how to figure things out, but all it did was make me think it wasn’t worth asking after a while.

      If your kid asks you a question, answer them.

      1. Warrior Princess Xena*

        I’ll add: sometimes you end up in a situation where a kid doesn’t want to do something they still need to (meds, homework, chores). Maybe you have a situation where you really want your kid to try and find a solution to their problem first, because they need to develop problem solving skills. In that case, tell them! “I know brushing your teeth is annoying, but it’s for healthy teeth”. It might not solve the argument, but there’s a big difference between “my parent is asking me to do something/doing something that I don’t like and seems to have no point” and “my parent is asking me to do something I don’t like but at least there’s some logic there”.

        1. Irish Teacher.*

          Yeah, when I was a teen, I found this was often a good way to get my little cousin to do something he didn’t want to. Just acknowledging that yeah, it was a hassle made him feel heard and more willing to do it.

    18. Still*

      My parents both swear by the book “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk”. I also read it when I was a bit older and it resonated with me. Being heard as a kid definitely went a long way to making me feel loved. (Honestly, I sometimes wish my mum would give it another read now, even though I’m an adult.)

      1. Nightengale*

        I just re-read this book and it is still really good! I’m a doctor who works with families on behavior and so am always looking for resources to recommend.

        The original was written in 1980 and the version I have was updated in 2013. A lot of their examples of what NOT to say aren’t things a lot of parents say these days (like telling a kid they are lazy) but the examples of what TO say/do are still spot on. Big themes are giving fewer direct directions and less peppering kids with questions. (Make statements instead) and also compromising and moving away from imposed consequences.

    19. LizB*

      I don’t have a lot of advice, but this has been a fascinating thread to read. I’m emotionally somewhat estranged from my parents and striving to not have the same outcome with my baby as she grows up, so it’s really good to have a lot of insights here.

    20. Katie*

      I tell my kids multiple times a day that I love them. I have stated multiple times that it’s their birth right that I love them. When they allow, I give them hugs and kisses. Until my daughter puts her foot down about it, I tuck them in each night. I sit and cuddle with them watching TV or reading books together. I buy silly trinkets that I think they will like.

      When they do good, I let them know and try to build them up.

      I listen to them and talk to them about the inane things they are interested in.

    21. tab*

      I think the most important things my dad said to me were, 1: “I’m proud of you!” 2: “You can do it!”, 3: “Don’t say “If only…” say, “Next time…”

    22. Nightengale*

      how old is kid?

      Not a parent but a doctor who works with parents on kids feelings. . .

      A lot of times, when kids say “you hate me,” it can be translated into “I’m angry at the limit you just set” or even “I have big feelings I don’t know how else to express.”

      When adults quite naturally respond to “You hate me” with “no of course I love you let me count the ways” they then feel we aren’t listening to them. Of course we ALSO can’t agree with them because it’s not true! But we can agree with the feeling. “You’re really angry right now” or “it sounds like you aren’t feeling very loved right now” are the underlying feelings. It’s when kids feel heard (even if adults continue to hold a limit) that they most feel loved.

      One real connection with lots of kids is showing interest in their activities. Not peppering them with 1,000,000 questions but making comments here and there, even sitting down with them and showing interest in a video game.

    23. Love means being seen*

      Thanks to everyone for lending me your wisdom! I would really like to respond to each and every one of you, but time and wifi connection are in short supply at this vacationing spot :-) I appreciate so much that you chose to take some time out of your day to help me out. I will try out your suggestions and hopefully our situation will improve. Stay awesome!

    24. Irish Teacher.*

      Honestly, it’s very likely your kid does know you love him. I mean, he may not, but kids often say things like “you hate me,” largely because they know it’s not true and therefore feel safe to say it. Kids who doubt their parents’ love are less likely to say such things because they fear they might be true and don’t want to raise the topic for fear of what they might hear or they don’t feel safe enough around their parents to express their true feelings.

      I think the things that make a kid feel loved are actually the very small things. I wouldn’t put too much emphasis on things like saying “I love you”. One thing that stands out in my mind with my dad and I bet he had it forgotten a month later, is one time when I was about 10 and planned to write a book and I asked my dad to take me to Tesco so I could buy an exercise book to write it in. He did and when we got there and he asked me what I wanted, I could see he was confused – why did I want an ordinary school exercise book? – but he could see it was important to me, so he bought it for me (which I hadn’t even asked him to do; I could easily afford it from my pocket money).

      Listen to and validate how your kids feel. If they say “the kids at school hate me,”/”my teacher hates me,” don’t respond with “oh, don’t be so silly. Of course they don’t,” but ask about why they feel that way.

  24. NeonFireworks*

    Lots of listening and active affection (I always felt well understood). Lots of hugs (when I wanted them). A lot of everyday but special little affirmations (personalised, rather than commercialised or cheesy). Having my back when the world was being unfair (usually when peers were picking on me). Valuing things I produced (my parents even got some of my artwork framed and put on the wall). Never getting punitive. Calmly talking me through everything, even when my behaviour was the problem. Not fighting in front of me. Little surprises customised to me. Recurring games I liked. Well-chosen gifts. Keeping up reassuring routines such as reading lots of picture books to me before bed. Eventually, assuring me that absolutely anything could be discussed and nothing could undermine unconditional love.

    Honestly, though, I think a lot of kids weaponise phrases like ‘you hate me’ and it’s probably not that your kiddo isn’t sure. Nothing my parents did guaranteed that I wasn’t going to try and fight with them.

      1. Love means being seen*

        I read and appreciated the comment, so no problem :-) Thanks for your very actionable and down to earth list!

  25. Hanne*

    How do you store your shoes so they don’t get dusty? Particularly your high heels and boots that are too high for shoe bags and boxes?

    1. Lizzie (with the deaf cat)*

      Pillowcases for the boots! Or if you wanted a prettier effect you could make some bags from an organza curtain, or even just have large enough pieces of organza to be able to wrap the shoes or boots enough so that you could tie a ribbon around the top – so they are visible but won’t get dusty under the organza.

    2. IrishEm*

      I keep the original box the boots came in for tall boots (up to my knee). Otherwise they just go on the shoe rack in the press under the stirs and I’ll just polish them if they’re dusty when I wear them next (spoiler: I never bother dusting them XD).

    3. Anonymous Koala*

      The container store has some lovely clear acrylic drop-front boot boxes, but they’re a bit spendy. You may be able to find knock offs on Amazon or Wayfair.

    4. Shoe boxes*

      I store all my shoes in their original boxes, on shelves. They never get dusty. The boxes sure do but boxes are easier to dust.

      1. Hanne*

        I have like half of the original shoe boxes.. but great idea with putting them on shelves! I need more shelves.

    5. Juneybug*

      I store mine under my bed in plastic storage container or if you are concerned about moisture, you can find fabric under-the-bed storage.

  26. I used to have a username*

    Recommendations for dull silver costume jewelry? I have a bunch of jewelry (earrings, necklaces, & some rings) I bought over the years to wear to work and when going out (special occasions or just a restaurant). Nothing expensive – probably earrings for about $20-$40 and necklaces around $20-$50 – but there’s a lot, accumulated over 20 years. I haven’t worn much in the last 4 years because of working remotely. I recently was looking through everything for some jewelry to wear to a wedding, and I was surprised by how dull and frankly terrible all of the jewelry looks. I don’t know if it’s called tarnish or something else. Should it all go into the trash? Do I just have to replace it all? Or should I try jewelry cleaner? I think I’ve used jewelry cleaner (the liquid in a jar that you dunk the jewelry into) in the past on other pieces and wasn’t super impressed. Did the tarnish/dullness happen because I haven’t worn most of the jewelry in a while? Thanks!

    1. IrishEm*

      Idk if you can get them where you are but my jeweller put me on to silver polish cloths. They look like glasses cloths but they have some ingredient to shine up dull or tarnished silver. Also Silvo wadding which is much cheaper, and does the same job.

    2. Lizzie (with the deaf cat)*

      Silver tarnishes because of moisture in the air, basically. Take your favourite piece and give it a rub for a whole minute with a cotton cloth wrapped around your thumb. Does the silver look better? (If a genie appeared, remember you only have 3 wishes.) If it is real silver, or silver plated, that should make a difference to its appearance. You can buy silver polish, which is a creamy colour, which you apply with a cloth (the cloth will go grey as the tarnish rubs off) – it’s the buffing with a clean cloth that then brings up the shine. Jewellers sell ‘silver cloth’ which is just cloth impregnated with silver polish- you still need to buff it up. Save yourself effort and just polish up the piece you want to wear, as you want to wear it!
      I don’t feel you should trash any of it – if you no longer like the style, just put them in a bag and donate them to a charity shop, where someone will be excited to find them and do the polishing themselves!

      1. I used to have a username*

        Thank you! Thanks for clarifying that the rubbing action is what is needed. That’s probably why just dunking it in the jewelry cleaner for 10 minutes (which I did with other pieces in the past) didn’t really do anything. And I’ll keep my eye out for a genie!

    4. Not A Manager*

      The dipping stuff is hard on the silver. It’s better to buy a good quality silver polish. Polishing silver is quite easy – follow the instructions on the polish – but be aware that some stones and insets will not tolerate the silver polish. Especially on old or costume pieces, try to avoid the stones and glued-in items as much as possible. Buff off or wash off all the polish completely when you’re done, and dry the piece thoroughly with a soft cloth.

      Then buy some tarnish-proof cloth. You can get it in the form of pouches, lined into jewelry boxes, etc. but you can also just buy it loose by the foot off of Amazon or similar. It’s fascinating stuff – the felt cloth is woven with metal filaments into the fabric itself, and that metal attracts the tarnish-causing agents (at this point the science is beyond me), leaving your silver untarnished.

      Roll up your nice clean jewelry in this cloth and store it. It will pick up some tarnish eventually, but nothing like leaving it open to the air.

    5. RLC*

      If the pieces are detailed, suggest the silver polishing cloths others have mentioned. Cream or liquid polish can get into tiny crevices and be very, very difficult to remove; the cloth doesn’t leave chalky residue. Do recommend after using the cloth, to wipe the pieces with a clean cloth dampened in water, as the cloths do leave a bit of grayish film (will transfer to skin and fabric!)
      Also recommend storing the clean, polished pieces in a snug jewellery box (even a cardboard box with tight lid will work) with non-tarnish strips. I found them on Amazon. Do NOT use plastic bags, clingfilm, etc. as those promote tarnish.

    6. Shiny Penny*

      I was taught that the tiny lines in many silver jewelry items are “supposed”to be left dark, because the color contrast is part of the aesthetic of the piece. So Mom said never use the liquid dip products (which I’ve since heard are too corrosive for jewelry anyway). She used the thick liquid silver polish with soft old diapers or t-shirts, then buffed after polishing with a clean cloth.
      Tarnishing is an inherent quality of silver+time. If there’s no tarnish, it’s either not silver, or it has some weird coating on it. So it’s not a sign of cheap disposable jewelry!
      Some fabric stores sell special anti-tarnish fabric to wrap silver in for storage, but I don’t know how it works or if there’s a downside to using it. Archival stores might have safe silver storage options, too.

    7. E*

      To add on to prevent tarnish in the future, I store the silver jewelry I don’t wear regularly with a cotton ball to soak up any present moisture and avoid tarnish.

    8. Snoozing not schmoozing*

      I’ve had the best results with a small amount of dish soap in a bowl of water, let it soak for a while, hit it with a toothbrush if necessary, rinse, dry with a soft cloth. For me, it works better than silver polish or treated cloths. Plus it makes any stones sparkle but won’t hurt soft stones like amber or turquoise.

      1. Schrodinger's Cat*

        Silver tarnishes when it’s exposed to oxygen and moisture from the air. I store mine in plastic baggies and add in those silicon dessicant packs that you get in shoes and bags, which really cuts down on the amount of polishing I need to do!

    9. Jean (just Jean)*

      Hagerty Silver Foam is what I’ve used for four decades for both jewelry and the occasional household object (serving dish, small hand mirror). My mom has been using it for six-plus decades. That’s over 100 years of satisfied customers.

      It’s sold in hardware stores. You can also buy directly from the company, online. (Well, this was possible when I purchased mine about 10 years ago. Things might have changed.)

      My process, from memory:
      – Apply the polish with a soft rag
      – Wash the object (can either dip into a basin of water or hold it under the faucet)
      – Dry with another soft cloth

      Warnings:
      1. Be careful with set-in-stones. You don’t want to get polish stuck in odd cracks or crevices. You also don’t want to loosen any prongs that hold stones in place that increases the risk of losing a stone or snagging your clothing on a piece of sticking-up metal.
      2. +1 to all the other comments about not using any “dipping” liquid polish. These are not always kind to sterling silver.
      3. Most products will have instructions on the container specifying on which metals they can and can not be used.

  27. Seeking product recommendation*

    I need an extra large and sturdy office chair. I see a lot of chairs advertised as “big and tall,” but I’m just an average-height fat lady, so I fear those might not be scaled well for me. I mostly WFH so I’m going to sit in this chair quite a lot and need it to be comfortable and durable. To some extent I’m willing to spend money in proportion to my confidence that it will last, but I know the high end is up there and I don’t want to spend $1000 on a chair no matter what.

    Any larger folks among us who have chairs you like? Or anyone who’s been involved in buying for your office? Thanks for any advice/suggestions!

    1. Jay*

      You might want to look into gamer chairs.
      As a fat man with a bad back, they are some of the most comfortable chairs for sitting for long periods of time.

      1. A Girl Named Fred*

        Agreed! I have a SecretLab Titan chair that’s super comfortable for long periods of time – I’m 5’ 10” and somewhere in the upper 200s (lbs) in weight. My boyfriend has the same chair and is 6’ 3” and a little heavier than me and the chair is adjustable enough that we’ve both made ours “fit” us well (for example, if I try to sit in his I fall a foot lower than I’m expecting, the seat is leaned way back, and his arm rests are out in the middle of nowhere. Whereas if he sits in mine, he feels a little cramped or like he’s sitting very formally and upright lol.)

    2. Other Alice*

      Seconding Jay’s suggestion of gamer chairs. I’m not a large person but I did a lot of research when I bought mine, check the model’s width/depth/max load to find something that will suit. My favourite thing is that you can adjust seat height, armrests, headrest, etc. in the position that is most comfortable.

      My chair was about 150€ so definitely on the cheaper side but it’s still the most comfortable office chair I’ve ever had.

      1. Jessica (chair OP)*

        I’m vaguely aware that gaming chairs are a thing but I thought they were all crazy expensive, so glad to hear otherwise!

        1. Jay*

          I got mine on sale at a Staples for about $150.00 a few years back.
          The really crazy ones have all these built in electronics, speakers, massagers, even monitors and VR headsets. They can conceivably run into the thousands, depending on what you want to get. But if you are just looking for a very, very customizable office chair that is really comfortable for sitting for long periods of time, then there are some very affordable options.

    3. Shiny Penny*

      I don’t buy unless they clearly specify the seat height range. I prefer 17” to 20”, because 18”is usually optimal for me. Some Big and Tall chairs are more like 19” to 24” which would not work. BUT— I always replace the wheels with softer ones anyway (rubber? polyurethane? the wheels that are safe for wood and vinyl flooring) so I can use either 3” or 2” ones. That’s often enough to give me the lower height I need.
      The other factor is “seat depth.” I want that info also, because the wrong depth can make a chair really uncomfortable. Femur length isn’t necessarily consistent between people of the same height (!) so measuring the seat depth of chairs that DO work for me has improved my ability get a comfortable chair when ordering online.

    4. TP Turkeys*

      You might want to check with a local used/refurbished office furniture store if you have any in your area. A local store near me sells like new, very high end office chairs ($1,500-$1,700 retail) for $250-$300 and would be able to advise you on how sturdy and adjustable they are.

  28. theinone*

    For anyone that follows DCI, it’s a regional day! And thank god for the AC of the Alamodome- it’s gonna be a hot one today.

    SUPER looking forwards to performing today.

    1. Rage*

      Oh, wow, I’d forgotten all about DCI.

      Wish they would perform inside near me. The older I get, the less I can tolerate the heat.

  29. Anonymous Koala*

    Pros/cons/advice for traveling with infants? We’re trying to decide whether to take our then 8-month old to a family reunion overseas this Christmas. He is a really chill baby, and we’d love to introduce him to family he’d otherwise not get the chance to meet, but I’m nervous about taking care of an infant on a long flight and the possibility of illness and soothing a sick baby in an unfamiliar place.

    1. Scientist*

      My daughter is three now and we’ve traveled a lot with her (starting with a ten hour road trip when she was six weeks old, and a first flight at five months old. She’s since flown probably eight round trip flights, although the longest flight has been five hours.) It’s totally do able! I think eight months is a great time. Of course, every baby is different. Keep routines and schedules as consistent as you can within the new parameters, bring lots of snacks and small absorbent towels. :) Have them nurse or drink from a bottle at airplane takeoff and landing (if they’re not fast asleep.)

      1. Scientist*

        Oh and bring a little baby first aid kit – thermometer, baby Tylenol and ibuprofen with a dosing syringe, bandaids. Very reassuring to have that stuff and not have to scramble to find it in a new place if needs arise suddenly.

        1. Nack*

          I’ll add Benadryl to the list. And also, keep it in the diaper bag or where you can access it! Not just on the flight but when at your destination too. Once we traveled internationally to see family and our kiddo had a severe case of hives the day after thanksgiving, and we were scrambling to get meds. Then we started traveling with Benadryl in our kit. A couple years later our other kiddo had an allergic reaction (itchy watery eyes, sneezy, swelling face) while we were visiting someone at their home… Benadryl was in the suitcase back at the hotel and we were once again scrambling to find something. Neither kid had had allergic reactions to anything before!

          1. Falling Diphthong*

            Seconding the benadryl. Ever since we were visiting relatives in a rural area and the toddler broke out in hives late on Christmas eve.

          2. Scientist*

            Yes! We have Benadryl too. Thanks for adding that. And definitely important to keep in the diaper bag/bag you bring everywhere!! We also have a baby epi pen in there (we thought our daughter had an allergy when she was a baby, so it was prescribed – turns out she doesn’t, but we still bring it everywhere. It’s reassuring to me!) And we also have a little antibiotic ointment tube.

          3. Alex*

            I travel with Benadryl always–and I don’t even have any kids! It’s such an important but often overlooked first aid item.

    2. curly sue*

      We travelled by plane a few times a year when our kids were that size, and they did fine, as long as they had plenty of familiar snacks and distractions. Note that they both regularly experienced what I can only describe as explosive decompression shortly after takeoff. Bring lots of changes of clothes, and expect to dive to the bathroom.

    3. Jay (no, the other one)*

      If you can afford it, buy the baby a ticket. That way you get to sit unencumbered and baby is in his own familiar car seat, which is more comfortable for him and safer in case of sudden turbulence. It also buys you two extra carry-on bags which will really come in handy.

    4. CityMouse*

      I actually thought traveling with an infant is easier than with a toddler. some good advice already, nursing or feeding durian takeoff and landing helps a lot.

    5. Frank*

      second the advice on getting the kid his own ticket. the key, especially on something that long, is to get as much space as you can. if you can afford it, pay for bulkhead seats—that gives him a little space to crawl. also, on a long flight the kid is going to cry/make noise. it’s inevitable. some people will shoot you death glares. ignore those people. they’re probably jerks.

    6. Mostly Managing*

      Do it – it will be chaotic and messy and fun and you will not regret it!

      Having traveled with small children:
      – Overseas, so I’m assuming you are flying; make sure your carry-on has a change of clothes for each of you and two for the baby. Also 4 more diapers than you think you’ll need, in case the flight is delayed.
      – Snacks. all the snacks. you cannot bring liquid through security, but there are sometimes exceptions for baby food. Make sure you know the rules. If you’re formula feeding, look at powdered so you can have the bottle “nearly ready” and just add water. Assume you will need all the food for your child for the whole travel time. Airplane food is not usually things babies will eat.
      – Games. Toys. Something familiar to snuggle and a few things to play with.
      – If it’s an overnight flight (which overseas often are) consider meds for the baby. Gravol puts a lot of kids to sleep and makes the flight easier (but try it at home first – for a few “special” kids it makes them hyper. Ask me how I know!)
      – Remember that even if the baby cries the whole flight, you never have to see any of those people again. It’s not your fault the child is upset! Do the best you can, and stay as relaxed as you can, and the baby will probably follow your lead
      – Accept and embrace the imperfection of travel with small children. It’s fun. I have done international flights with little ones multiple times. Something always goes wrong, but there are also moments of unexpected delight\.

    7. And now they are teenagers!*

      I never regretted flying to see family when my kids were babies. I changed my expectations of all trips – trips were tiring, but everyone being a bit off kilter and having a few meltdowns was so worth it. And on trips, I ended up doing lots of things differently to get some rest – I co-slept with the baby. When we went UK to Australia with 2 year old and 3 month old, baby and I ended up sleeping in the sitting room on a mattess on the floor, and I basically nursed him for hours every night because it was the only way to get some sleep for both of us. Also ended up driving along the motorway midnight – 3am on a different trip, different kid, just trying to get hysterically tired kid to sleep, as had tried every other option. But not having to work and parent made it all so much easier, as did help from family members – all I needed to do was parent – other people cooked, cleaned drove and adored the baby (helping with childcare as much as they could, but unsettled baby usually wouldn’t nap for them etc)

    8. samwise*

      Buy a seat for baby and strap the car seat into it. Sometimes my son would end up on my lap for the whole flight, but having that seat (and the floor space for stowing stuff) was worth every penny.

    9. Voldemort’s cousin*

      I second buying the baby their own seat, and having tons of snacks and distractions. Adding to the list:
      – wear a mask yourself. Obviously the baby can’t, but you can protect yourself. My husband and I just caught Covid on a trip to see relatives with our 1 year old. It was rough. My husband caught it first, and the mask could’ve protected him.
      – puff stickers are awesome and will entertain them for a long time at hardly any cost. You can stick them all over the airplane and they come right off.
      – definitely take some baby Tylenol just in case.
      – don’t overpack. I brought everything I thought we could possibly need, and it was too much. If you’ll be visiting family, take advantage and use one of their laundry machines to do a load.

    10. EA*

      I was going to say go now while you still have a lap infant, so clearly on a different page than others! (Also my kids hated car seats so that would’ve been pointless) If you do the lap infant route, it’ll also be fine – I have never regretted traveling with my kids to see family. I will say that the longer the trip, the more we enjoy it. The quick turnaround can be tough especially if there is a time change.

    11. Anonymous Koala*

      Thanks everyone, this was very reassuring. :) I never thought to buy the baby a seat, so will definitely look into that!

  30. Anonynon*

    Not me, but my BIL/SIL are big on travel and have a travel blog with a section dedicated to traveling with babies/infants. I’m not going to post the link because I don’t want them finding me commenting on here, but their top five trips for flying with a baby:

    1) Attitude is everything. Lower your expectations. Be flexible.
    2) Bring lots of snacks. (this one might not be as pertinent for an eight month old!)
    3) You do NOT need fancy toys.
    4) Save the best distractions for when you really need them. (again, not really an 8-mo old tip)
    5) If they cry or don’t sleep, it’s okay. They will eventually sleep, they will eventually stop crying.

    Plan extra time for everything, practicing napping “on the go” at home (e.g. in a stroller, carseat, wearing/holding the baby versus just in their bed) and practice sleeping in the pack n play at home, if you nurse, get comfortable nursing in public, try taking smaller trips near home before traveling internationally.

  31. Red Sky*

    If you have one, how do you like your electronic door lock? I’m tired of digging for my keys, especially when my hands are full, so we’re looking at going keyless. What type/brand do you have and what are the best and worst things about it? How did you decide between the different types (touchpad vs fingerprint, bluetooth, wifi, camera etc)? I think we’re leaning toward a keypad with bluetooth, but should we also do wifi? Any features or brands to avoid?

    2. Jay (no, the other one)*

      We got them last year after staying at a lot of AirBnBs that had them. I like them fine. No idea which ones we have. Hubs bought and installed them and I’m currently traveling (staying in an AirBnB which has a key which I am eternally anxious about losing). He looked it up on Wirecutter and bought the one they recommended. Ours has a keypad, a thumbprint sensor, and bluetooth, but I don’t think it has wifi. We already have a doorbell with a camera so we didn’t bother with that.

      I like the fact that I don’t have to remember to lock the door at night and that when we have company or contractors I can give them their own code and don’t have to dig for an extra key. Our front door lock was a bit wonky because it’s an old door that expands in the humidity – I doubt this will be a problem once we get a new door (scheduled in September).

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I love my smart locks. Mine are SimpliSafe, so tied into our security system, and each one is paired with the sensor on its door so that it won’t try to lock itself if the door is open, but if the door is registering as closed and the lock still can’t seat properly I get a notification. (Usually when someone doesn’t pull the door quite to.) Mine can be opened by app or with a keypad, plus the keys still work. If you open it with the app or keypad it also deactivates the alarm, if you use the key you still have to go turn the alarm off separately. I don’t remember if it has a proximity setting – if it does we turned it off.

    4. Pharmgirl*

      I have a Yale one at the door between my garage and basement and absolutely love it! I got one that also has a key for back up. It’s been about a year now and I still haven’t changed the batteries. I didn’t get a “smart” one though – there’s no wifi or anything. My parents and sister have the code, but I live alone/no children and don’t have guests so I haven’t felt the need to be able to lock/unlock it remotely. It helps that it’s in the garage, which I *can* open and close remotely.

    5. Once too Often*

      Friends have a simple mechanical one that works well. They can set up to 6 (?) passcodes, changing them at any time. Contractors get a code (often their own phone number), house guests get their own, etc. Friends then remove codes, eg when visitors leave. I water their plants when they travel, & love not needing a physical key to get in.
      NB: they deliberately chose a mechanical one, so it still works during power outages & isn’t affected by rain.

      1. Hatchet*

        We have a simple one like this for the door from the garage to the house – Schlage brand. (My husband may have gotten a bit too frustrated after I locked myself out one too many times…) It’s got a basic keypad, plus a key; no wi-fi or Bluetooth. We’ve had it for a few months and I’m a fan so far.

    6. sagewhiz*

      My cousin convinced me and oh boy am I glad she did! I bought Schlage, as it’s a quality lock maker. As the door on my 96-yr-old bungalow is original, I wasn’t comfortable installing it myself, like my cousin has done, so I has my handyman take care of it—took him about 10 minutes, easy peezy.

      I also set a code for my son, so if anything happens to me—I live alone—he can get in with no problem.

    7. DistantAudacity*

      On my apartment /condo door I have a Danalock thing that sits on the interior «knob» of the door lock mechanism, and has a little motor to turn it to lock/unlock the door. I can still open the door mechanically with a key. I like this very much, because it did not need to change the entire door lock box.

      I can open it automatically using bluetooth and an app on my phone, or set it to open automatically when I’m close to my door.

      It works with a larger system/app my building has (Unloc (no k)), which works on the building doors. The building doors also have a little dongle!

      I can then use the Unloc system to share both access to the building and my particular door as needed. I think I can share from the Danalock system too, but that obviously only works on my apartment/condo door.

      1. LizB*

        Very interested in this – does the app on your phone allow you to see whether the door is locked or not when you’re out and about? 90% of my wanting to get a powered door lock is so I can reassure myself when I have that annoying “ah crap, did I actually lock the door?” moment when I’m already on my way elsewhere.

        1. acmx*

          My Schalge wifi lock app gives me a history of lock status and how the lock was actuated (keypad or thumb turn), and which code was used and time it was unlocked and locked.

    8. Brontosaurus*

      We have had a Kwikset fingerprint lock on the front door for about 3 years, and I mostly love it… but it has been a mixed bag in some respects. We chose this brand because it also opens with a key, and we can use the same key on other entrances to the house. We can program multiple people’s fingerprints and toggle an individual’s access on and off, and we can unlock and lock remotely using the app—great for letting guests in while we’re out!

      Sometimes it gets jammed, so we generally bring the key with us anyway. This might be because the humidity makes the door swell a bit and the bolt isn’t properly aligned with the hole, or there’s dust inside the lock, or…? We do have to remember to change the batteries. We used to have it set up so that we could say, “Alexa, lock the front door,” and she would do it, but that no longer works. (Possibly Alexa no longer supports that skill?) These issues weren’t immediately apparent but have built up as the lock has gotten older.

      At first I loved it so much that I wanted a second one for the door that leads from the garage into the house. I bought one, tried to install, but it didn’t work. Exchanged it, tried to install the new one, and it turned out it just didn’t fit correctly into the door. I wasn’t interested in cutting into the door to try to make it work, so we put the normal deadbolt back on. That one was also a Kwikset that we’d bought new a few months earlier and fits fine. So I guess this smart lock is very particular about fit!

    9. The Cosmic Avenger*

      We have had a Kwikset 910, with a number pad AND a key for about 7 years now. My family didn’t trust that it wouldn’t die or go offline, and I did have to completely reset it a couple of times, and there is no reliable way to tell the battery level. (There is no app just for this lock, although the Samsung SmartThings app works with it and is supposed to show the battery level, it rarely updates and so the battery level has jumped precipitously at times.) However, it has still worked pretty well for us, I can add and remove codes from the app, it notifies me when the lock is used and whose code was used to unlock the door, and I’ve learned to tell when the lock motor sounds slower and check or preemptively replace the batteries. tl;dr, I wouldn’t rule out another Kwikset, although one of my IT/engineering friends likes Yale smart locks, so I will strongly consider those when replacing the current one, which I might do soon.

    10. goddessoftransitory*

      I can speak for keypads from our current setup: the damn numbers wear off the pad and the sensitivity goes down FAST; you end up mashing down the buttons and having to start over a lot because the 2 didn’t register or something. I’d go with fobs, personally.

    11. Warrior Princess Xena*

      Protip: make sure that your door hangs well before you get an electronic lock. My dad’s door is wonky in a way that’s easy to deal with if you have a hardkey lock, but the electronic lock he has isn’t able to ‘jiggle the handle to get it to click’ and it keeps failing to actually work.

    12. Rain*

      We’ve had one on our backdoor for 8+ years. We actually recently upgraded the lock a few months ago when we replaced the door.

      Everyone’s situation is different, so I would recommend researching your options on Wirecutter and/or Consumer Reports.

    13. Esprit de l'escalier*

      I got a Schlage keypad a few months ago. I decided to get the basic model (not connected to a phone) because the local locksmith who was going to install it kept talking about how an electronic keypad could be hacked.

      The pluses are obvious. Its only disadvantage is related to the fact that my keypad allows me to leave the door locked or unlocked when I go out. I very much recommend this feature unless you would always want the door to be locked, which I do not. But I discovered that when I’m on my way out the door I have to turn the inner latch ALL THE WAY either to leave it locked or to leave it unlocked. If it’s not turned all the way, the code won’t work and you can only unlock it with the key, which luckily I had with me when I made this upsetting discovery. The installer should have warned me about this, but he didn’t.

      Now I’m in the habit of turning the latch very firmly until I hear the mechanism catch in its proper position. I’m glad I got the keypad, but that is the one thing I always have to keep in mind. I don’t know if all adjustable (can be left locked or unlocked) keypads are this sensitive, but be aware of the possibility when you get it installed!

    14. MissB*

      My sibling lives about ten minutes from me. They use a Schlage electronic lock on their front door. I think it’s been in place for seven or eight years now. They’ve set it up such that any of us relatives use the last four of our phone numbers to gain access.

      It’s easy to unlock and lock.

    15. Donkey Hotey*

      To be certain: how is the power grid in your area? We lose power maybe sux times in a year and for that reason, I would never rely on an electric lock, especially if the goal was to go keyless.

      1. The Cosmic Avenger*

        I have never seen a smart lock that plugs into an outlet. They all have batteries (mine uses 4 AAs), and so the smart lock functions will work even during a power and/or internet outage. I wouldn’t be able to use the app if my wifi was out, but I could still enter my code on the lock’s number pad. (Although I mentioned earlier that my smart lock also does have a regular old key, I’m ignoring that for the purpose of your scenario.)

  32. InkyFingers*

    Book recommendation!

    Sadie Dingfelder is a freelance science reporter who spent years at the Washington Post Express. (One of her pieces was a review of every single bathroom at the National Mall in D.C.—ha!) The daughter of an acquaintance whom I greatly admire, she’s out with a book a lot of folks here might be interested in, since neurodiversity is a common topic. Here’s the blurb:

    “Science writer Sadie Dingfelder has always known that she’s a little quirky. But while she’s made some strange mistakes over the years, it’s not until she accosts a stranger in a grocery store (whom she thinks is her husband) that she realizes something is amiss.

    “With a mixture of curiosity and dread, Dingfelder starts contacting neuroscientists and lands herself in scores of studies. In the course of her nerdy midlife crisis, she discovers that she is emphatically not neurotypical. She has prosopagnosia (faceblindness), stereoblindness, aphantasia (an inability to create mental imagery), and a condition called severely deficient autobiographical memory.

    “As Dingfelder begins to see herself more clearly, she discovers a vast well of hidden neurodiversity in the world at large. There are so many different flavors of human consciousness, and most of us just assume that ours is the norm. Can you visualize? Do you have an inner monologue? Are you always 100 percent sure whether you know someone or not? If you can perform any of these mental feats, you may be surprised to learn that many people—including Dingfelder—can’t.”

    “A lively blend of personal narrative and popular science, Do I Know You? is the story of one unusual mind’s attempt to understand itself—and a fascinating exploration of the remarkable breadth of human experience.”

    2. Ellis Bell*

      I was having the inner monologue discussion with my partner really recently. It’s not something he’s ever directly expressed, but to me it was obvious that he doesn’t “talk to himself”, and I was making a complaint that he hasn’t told himself what he wants yet, so how on earth could I be expected to know what he wants? So, he asks me a couple more questions about what I mean and he’s totally blown away by the fact I have a little voice in there constantly jabbering away and giving me updates. This was a bit of an about turn for us; as an ADHD person I’m constantly awed by the way he remembers stuff and can judge portions of time accurately.

      1. allathian*

        I’m NT AFAIK, but I have that constant inner monolog going, too. The only thing that shuts it down is reading, and to a lesser extent, writing. But it’s the reason why I can’t focus on podcasts or audiobooks, my inner monolog shouts them down. I can focus on music, though, because it engages a larger part of the brain than simple speech does.

        I also have a pretty good internal clock and a vivid imagination. I can’t remember names, and my autobiographical memory is so-so. I can remember events but not how they made me feel. Intellectually I know that I must’ve been overwhelmed with joy when I held my newborn son for the first time, but I don’t remember it, he’s 15 now. But then, I don’t really remember the pain of giving birth, either. (I had good medical assistance but I was in active labor for about 24 hours.)

    3. Goldfeesh*

      severely deficient autobiographical memory- I think I have something similar to this and just thought everyone did. When I first read about it I felt like it explained so much. There is so much I don’t remember about the past. For instance, I love going to concerts but I don’t really remember them once a few weeks pass. I mean, I remember that I went to the concert at some point (usually) but I don’t remember anything concrete about it, how I felt listening to it, the songs, etc. Perhaps I’m misunderstanding and everyone is like that with concerts though- I don’t know. I say this, but then remember that I don’t remember seeing the Everly Brothers in the late ’90s, the Counting Crows in the early 2000s (no memory whatsoever- just a concert t-shirt and a friend who remembers going), Billy Joel in the same time period. I saw Joni Mitchell open for Bob Dylan, no memory of her at all. I know I saw Cher, but no memory of the concert itself. It’s so weird.

      1. ThatGirl*

        No, I have memories of concerts I went to 20+ years ago. Not every detail, but specific ones. My husband has an excellent memory, though not in a “photographic memory” sort of way. So it does sound like you have some deficiencies there.

    5. Nightengale*

      I should look into that although it may hit a little close to home – prosopagnostic and aphantastic here. Although I do have a great memory for anything that can be encoded into words. It’s so great to have words to describe these experiences. When I was in high school (30+ mumble years ago) I coined the term “DVRSS – difficulty responding to visual stimulae syndrome” because I was trying to find a way to explain to teachers that I understood the book but not the picture or the movie that were considered “easier.”

  33. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

    Congratulations! You have just tripped over a bottle on the beach and a genie popped out to offer you three wishes. Using the Aladdin rules – no killing, no falling in love, no bringing anybody back from the dead and no wishing for more wishes – what’s your three?

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      1) I wish for the ability to communicate at will with all mammals.
      2) I wish that every lottery ticket I purchase will be a sole jackpot winner.
      3) I wish to effortlessly have, for the next fifty years, the same physical body and health status I had the morning of Thanksgiving 2014.

      (I know, I’m not wishing for world peace or an end to hunger here, but if I’m healthy and wealthy for the next 50 years I can still do a lot of good.)

      1. Sloanicota*

        It would be interesting if #1 went bad, in that Monkeys-Paw style that media often depicts genie wishes to inherently do … I could imagine that communing with, say a cat could quickly drive us humans quite mad, either by being unable to absorb the feline mind, or learning something monstrous from them which we are otherwise unable to perceive. I think all the time about what it must be like in an dog’s brain, since I assume they don’t process anything linguistically and their primary sense is our weakest one, smell.

        1. GoryDetails*

          There’s a delicious short story by Saki called “Tobermory” about what might happen if someone could communicate with a cat. Granted, the situation was specific to “English country house full of people who don’t like each other very much,” but the cat delighted in puncturing everybody’s bubbles!

          1. Sloanicota*

            I’m always frustrated by stories narrated by animals, since (understandably) they have to use words and language and end up having rather human-like voices, humor etc. I suppose the only way to depict what I imagine a real animal narration would have to be, like, smell-o-vision short film. Sorry, I’ve taken us off on a real tangent now … I’m an animal fosterer so I spend a loooot of my time thinking about such things.

            1. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

              I read one story where the main character, who could talk to animals, met a cat. The cat said things like, “Pet the cat, it will make you feel better,” and “you want to give the cat some butter”. But yeah, that one stands out in memory as an accurate animal voice because they are so rare.

            2. goddessoftransitory*

              I remember in Aldous Huxley’s Brave New World, the big entertainments aren’t “movies” but “feelies” with titles like Sperm Whale’s Love Life: kind of what this might be like!

            3. Elizabeth West*

              I wrote one once that was from the point of view of a child killer’s cat. It was published in my college literary magazine and is now in my story collection.

              I was invited to read it aloud at a reading. It took everything I had just to read it in a normal voice and not lapse into some kind of squeaky cat voice, lol.

            4. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

              And THAT is why I say “communicate” and not “speak” :) I have considered my wish wording for many years, haha.

          2. Imtheone*

            Tobermory is old enough that the complete short story is available for free on-line.

          3. goddessoftransitory*

            I love Saki’s stories! Especially Laura, where the main character reincarnates as an otter, and another where a woman inadvertently pisses off Pan.

        2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          It could. I actually read a book once where characters had captured an entity and forced it to teach them animal communication, and the angry entity started with ants and they couldn’t turn it off, so it was driving the characters crazy. That’s why I specified -a- mammals and -b- at will. :D

          1. The Prettiest Curse*

            The novel “The Animals in that Country” by Laura Jean Mackay is about a pandemic that causes some people to be able to hear the thoughts of animals. It really doesn’t end well for those people who can hear what insects are thinking. Reading that book actually made me think that it would just be really frustrating to heat what animals can think, because their thoughts are so different to ours, even though we like to think that some of their behaviour and motivations are the same.

        3. goddessoftransitory*

          I would assume most mammals are thinking along the lines of “you look delicious–feeling okay? Hmmmm?”

          1. Sloanicota*

            There is a great Far Side where the scientist develops a machine to translate dogs, and it turns out they are barking “hey! hey!” – which is probably about right :D

    2. Sloanicota*

      Right now one would be political, so we shouldn’t discuss it here, but I would consider it sufficiently world-preserving that I could have one or two of the others guilt-free. Actually maybe #2 would be an invention that would stop climate change. Number three would be my selfish one; probably perfect health or true love.

    3. Llama face!*

      Hmmm, these are always tough. Let’s do two serious ones and a frivolous one:
      1. All war weapons immediately break and are unable to be rebuilt, including not being able to build new ones
      2. Everyone having their basic needs (food, water, shelter, medical care) met no matter who or where they are
      3. Be able to fly Peter Pan style except without needing pixie dust

        1. BellaStella*

          Agree – I think my wishes would be similar:
          1. End to the war weapons of all kinds, too, and no way to make anything ever again into a weapon.
          2. Ecosystem restoration and all damages gone – pollution, etc just gone and balanced ecosystems in place. yes this may mean more tigers, mangroves, birds, hedgehogs, sharks, and less humans, but not sure. may also results in sudden disappearance of all built infrastructure leading to serious problems.
          3. Being able to ensure equity and equality globally.

      2. Forrest Rhodes*

        Great list, Llama face! Your #1 reminded me of Kurt Vonnegut’s great short story “The Barnhouse Effect”—title might be something like “Final Report on the Barnhouse Effect.”
        If you haven’t already read it (or even if you have), it’s worth tracking down.

    4. Alex*

      I would wish for all pollution created by humans to instantly disappear–from the air, water, and land.
      I would wish for a free, non-harmful-to-anything source of perpetual energy that would meet the entire world’s highest possible energy needs.
      I would wish that I could french braid my own hair. I’ve tried to learn so many times and at this point only magic will make it happen.

      1. Lizzie (with the deaf cat)*

        Alex, re French braids, if you haven’t tried it already then give it a go with your eyes closed or while you are watching tv or something – you are trying to build up muscle memory, not visual memory to begin with. If you are learning it in front of a mirror, there’s way too much competing and reversal sort of input going on!

    5. Ellis Bell*

      1) Control over time. I can freeze it if I need to, and I can time travel as well.
      2) Ability to teleport myself to places. The free holidays alone would make this worthwhile, but this desire was really born back in the days when I was always late for stuff.
      3) As a teacher, I always wish I could give my students life experience in pill form, or some other way, before they do something stupidly irreversible. I tell them that they can get lots of life experiences from books, but the ones who need them the most don’t believe me, or wouldn’t take the time. I think the answer is to wish for a decision simulator. You make the decision and the simulator shows you how it works out, accurately.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Oh, love the teleport one! I would love to go to new places but despise the actual travelling to get there.

        1. Jill Swinburne*

          Yeah, it would be great to pop over to have dinner with family and friends in different countries without having to spend 20 hours getting there!

          The ability to time travel would be up there for me too – just to observe, not to be able to change anything.

        2. Lizzie (with the deaf cat)*

          You might like Alfred Bester’s book Tiger! Tiger! Here’s a summary:
          In this pulse-quickening novel, Alfred Bester imagines a future in which people “jaunte” a thousand miles with a single thought, where the rich barricade themselves in labyrinths and protect themselves with radioactive hit men—and where an inarticulate outcast is the most valuable and dangerous man alive. The Stars My Destination is a classic of technological prophecy and timeless narrative enchantment by an acknowledged master of science fiction

      2. Llama face!*

        I also like the teleportation idea! Travel/public transport/driving is exhausting and draining and I’d love to not have to spend so much time on it. Plus, it would be awesome to be able to see *all the places*.

        I wonder if, hypothetically, you’d get some type of mega jet lag from it though?

    6. Goldfeesh*

      Not going the earth-shattering route

      1-the health my spouse had at 18 for himself.
      2-pet rats have the lifespan of rabbits at minimum
      3-I always have the money I need in my pocket

    7. goddessoftransitory*

      Well, the first rule eliminates my deepest wish…

      First I would wish to reverse climate change and pollution; go big or go home! You’re welcome, world.

      Second would be a selfish wish: I would upgrade/fix every single physical flaw I have, set to “permanent perfect” so no takesy-backsies.

      Third, hmmm….I guess a permanent universal income for all, and equal distribution of resources so no one experiences poverty or restriction of opportunity due to financial hardship.

      1. Sloanicota*

        This makes me wonder how much every person would have if there were “equal” distribution. Is there enough wealth that every person would have a reasonable standard of living, or are there so many people across the planet that if divided up it would end up a subsistence level for each of us …?

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          It’s certainly an excellent question! On shows like ST:TNG people seem to live quite well, what I would consider upper middle class in America at the very least. Or would it be grey jumpsuits and a bowl of mush every day for all and anything extra you have to get yourself?

        2. Water Everywhere*

          According to the Forbes Real Time Billionaires list the current richest person has a net worth of 244.7 billion dollars. Divide that among the 8.1 billion people on earth and every single one becomes a billionaire 30 times over. And there are 49 other billionaires on that list…

          Eat the rich.

    8. Square Root of Minus One*

      Llama face already said perfectly the “saving the world” wishes, but:
      – Everyone who is knowingly saying BS falls victim of a visible Pinocchio reaction, either with the original nose or with the chin, an ear or a tooth, be creative. Temporary of course until you withdraw the BS, though it miiight leave permanent damage if happens too often. Yes, the Place Which Must Not Be Named corporate speak is somehow getting to me and I want to laugh.
      – I purchase the sole winning ticket in the Euromillion next Tuesday (money would cover a whole lot of my other wishes)
      – I lose my excess weight while asleep tonight.

      1. Llama face!*

        Re: your first one, now I’m just imagining what our politicians would look like if this were a real thing and LOLSOB.
        Your third one is reminding me of a certain Doctor Who episode (Partners in Crime).

    9. Elizabeth West*

      I would wish for these things:

      1) That I could speak, read, and write fluently in all languages, living and dead, and for living languages this ability would update automatically as slang changes and linguistic drift happens.

      2) That I could repeatedly dial my hair up or down to whatever length I want it and leave it there.

      3) That I would have a comfortable yearly income that came with a free nice house with a nice yard, with all utilities and taxes paid for the rest of my life so I could just do whatever I wanted.

    10. RLC*

      1) For human and animal: healthspan to match lifespan. Long and healthy for all!
      2) To win the biggest mega millions lottery ever and spend the rest of my days quietly distributing it to communities in need, granting their practical wishes, fairy godmother style. Non glamorous things like water and sewage systems, modern schools and medical clinics, reliable electric and broadband service.
      3) To be able to teleport, travel without the hassle!

    11. Hotdog not dog*

      1. A self cleaning house. No matter how messy I or my family make things, everything automatically pops itself back into place.
      2. An obscene amount of money, which would solve a lot of problems.
      3. For every child and domestic animal on earth to have a stable, loving, and happy home. No more shelter pets or foster care.

    12. allathian*

      True equality for all, regardless of gender, age (for legal adults), race, religion, disability, sexual orientation, etc. No more discrimination for any teason.

      Reverse climate change.

      Mske the world so good for everyone by eliminating scarcity and poverty that war would become not only unnecessary but unthinkable.

  34. Would Call Myself More of an Ambivert Really*

    I am still contemplating a fight (not a real fight, just a disagreeing discussion) with a friend the other day. He claims that the pandemic allowed introverts to “win” culturally and now everything is online, people don’t want to go out as much, and more people are just staying home like, streaming TV. He is a passionate extrovert who loves to throw a weekly dinner party. He claims fewer people come and are generally more awkward and also flaky about it now than they were. I’m not sure his thesis is correct here … but, I have never really enjoyed these dinner parties and before the pandemic was always trying to get out of them, so I’m probably not the good metric. But I did and still do like seeing my friend, one on one, either weekly or monthly (in person)! Does anyone have thoughts?

    1. fposte*

      Ooh, interesting. I don’t think it’s a war the way he does, and if it is it’s more a fight for market share and marketing practices than introvert vs. extrovert.

      But I think he’s got a point that the pandemic hyperaccelerated the already existing more toward individual experience and away from collective experience. I bet he’s correct that the kind of socializing he likes is harder to do. I have an extrovert friend who likes to do group socializing rather than individual, which is the opposite of my preference, and I just had to accept the fact that that was the way to see her if I wanted that friendship.

      A big problem is that it’s always a higher social labor project to have a group event, since you need the buy in of a bunch of people whereas a one-on-one just needs two, and the event usually doesn’t even get planned unless you’ve got already got the buy-in.

      So I think he’s right that it’s much harder for him to meet his social needs. It doesn’t mean introverts did that to him personally, but I’d sympathize with him, and if I valued him I’d promise to come to one dinner a month or whatever time frame you can pull off.

      1. Would Call Myself More of an Ambivert Really*

        I have come to realize that the joy of organizing events is one that is lost on me, and that I have been uncharitable in how I viewed it in the past. I suppose I would have said (very unkindly) that the desire is sort of to show off and get attention – showing off your nice house, your nice cooking, your hosting skills, how many friends you have – and ensure that every single person must gather and dance attention just on you, the host. It is only through my friendship with this chap that I’ve come to see that there is a different piece of it, totally foreign to me. They like to create a special occasion for everybody, and also get a lot of energy out of seeing people they know coming together. I seem to be totally without this gene. I like to see people one on one or in small groups, but I am lost in a bigger room.

    2. Bunny Girl*

      Honestly I think your friend is being a little ridiculous. I agree that a lot of things have changed since the pandemic, but not in the way he thinks.

      People have less money and time, and more stress and burnout than they did before. That’s probably why he isn’t getting as much attendance. Or it’s his bizarre attitude. If I knew someone who was saying that introverts “won” because of a global pandemic where countless people died, I probably wouldn’t go to his dinner party either.

      1. Peanut Hamper*

        This is where I land. He seems strangely combative because people have priorities other than attending his weekly dinner soirees.

        He sounds a bit…precious.

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          I have to agree, if only for the frequency of the get togethers! I wouldn’t like a weekly obligation no matter how attentive the host, and I would start to feel really pressured to reciprocate, no matter how much they insisted I didn’t need to.

          I’m a “once in a while” get together person. That said, I really do enjoy it and get a charge out of having people over, cooking and such. But ONCE IN A WHILE.

          1. fposte*

            Though we don’t know (maybe Ambivert does) that he was expecting each person to come every week. The people I know who do this kind of thing have a big rotating cast, with some people coming rarely and some people coming more often.

            I’m an introvert, but I feel like this guy is getting a bit of a rough ride here. Take out the unfortunate word “won” and you’ve got somebody lamenting the way COVID changed his social and emotional world for the worse. Even if what he describes isn’t the worse for *me*, I think most of us had stuff we liked that was irreparably changed by COVID.

    3. Not A Manager*

      I think people are noticeably more poorly socialized since the pandemic, so I agree with your friend there. I also think that lockdown might have demonstrated to people who feel similarly to you about lots of socializing, that it’s possible to maintain social connections without opting in to all of the traditional ways of socializing, all the time.

      1. Would Call Myself More of an Ambivert Really*

        It was interesting becoming friends with this person, as we were initially both hurting each other’s feelings all the time – I would invite him to join me for a tete a tete, and he would decline, stating that he was too busy, and then he would invite me to a larger gathering, and I would decline because I disliked them, and both of us felt that the other must not like us as much as we thought (see the “sometimes friend” discussion above!). But it turns out we do like each other very much and are excellent friends who just need to discuss our assumptions a lot more, as they are never the same haha. I do go to some of his parties now and he joins me for brunch, even if he not-infrequently wants to bring a friend or try to bargain up to just two little friends, we’ll hardly know they’re there! It’s all delightful thoug really.

    4. PX*

      I love this discussion about group vs 1-1 entertainment because it dawned on me recently that I pretty much only ever do 1-1 stuff, but when someone else initiates a group outing I generally enjoy participating!

      I dont think I agree with your friends thesis though about letting introverts “win” – which is already a weirdly combative stance. I suspect the pandemic gave people a chance to break habits and figure out what they actually like doing (maybe not these dinners). Maybe they are still risk conscious and just dont want to be in group settings.

      But I think the flakiness/being more socially awkward is an interesting point. Is this the same bunch of people as before the pandemic?

      1. Would Call Myself More of an Ambivert Really*

        This was what I claimed – that the group had just changed over time, with people moving away, getting older, a few having kids or whatever that kept from from having as much free time. He remains convinced it’s more across the board than just his specific events. He sees a decreased willingness to commit to stuff out in the world in favor of staying home in your little bubble.

        1. Lucy*

          I agree with your point that the life situations of the friends in your group may have changed over the years for the various reasons you mentioned. Another reason might be if anyone has health issues (which he may not be aware of). Chronic health conditions and the necessary medical appointments can really drain your free time and energy. Maybe your passionately extroverted friend needs to find some new friends that are as extroverted as him?

          I’m an introvert and cannot imagine going to a weekly (?!?!) dinner party. After being around people at work all week, having to spend time with a group of friends is not at all appealing. I just want alone time and one-on-one friend time to relax.

          In general, I don’t want to go out as much because the pandemic has made me more aware of how many horrible/destructive people are out there in places like parks and movie theaters and restaurants. I go grocery shopping early in the morning on the weekend to avoid people as much as possible.

          1. goddessoftransitory*

            I agree about life situations as well. Our needs may stay the same, but life keeps changing on us.

            There’s a big block party/music festival happening near where I’m staying, and yesterday Husband and I were walking to work past literal hundreds of seeming infants wearing pink cowboy hats and gear, standing in the boiling sun for hours to get into one of the concerts. It looked like the ninth circle of hell to me but they were having a great time! Later I asked a coworker “Man, remember when we were young enough to care deeply about stuff?” Enough that what would be torture to me now would genuinely be a great time back then?

            Some people genuinely still want to stand in the boiling sun in a cowboy hat no matter how much time has passed!

        2. BubbleTea*

          I work in community engagement and the consensus in the field is that people have indeed become less willing to come out and do stuff in the last four years. Obviously there are a lot of other factors too, but the pandemic has definitely changed things for a lot of people. I have always primarily socialised online, but now it’s not a weird niche way to be.

    5. Dark Macadamia*

      This feels like a sort of unkind and self-centered perspective on his part. In some ways the pandemic may have been more manageable for introverts but it’s not like it was fun!

      I’m an introvert who enjoys socializing and the pandemic was soooo stressful and isolating. I feel like it permanently damaged my ability to connect with others. I’m noticeably more anxious now, more likely to assume the worst or feel like people dislike me, I struggle with focus and memory and carrying on a conversation in ways I didn’t before. I honestly got emotional reading that this guy thinks people like me “won” because we’re… struggling more than him. Nobody WANTS to be awkward and flaky and it would be nice if he like, reached out or showed concern for people when he notices a change rather than being upset with them for ruining his fun.

      1. Ricotta*

        Definitely. Sounds like his diminished attendance is more due to his shitty attitude. If you think your preferred method of socialization requires the suffering of another group of people, and you’re angry that they “won” over you, that tells me all I need to know.

      2. Not Totally Subclinical*

        Another introvert who also found the pandemic isolating, even with strong online friendships and family at home. I need time with people in person, just not as much as an extravert.

        I’ve always had difficulty taking part in conversations in large groups; it’s hard to focus on one conversation of the many going on around me, and by time I notice a point where I can add something, the moment’s passed and someone else is already talking. A couple years without practice hasn’t helped.

      3. tangerineRose*

        I’m an introvert who doesn’t socialize that much, and the pandemic isolation was still really tough.

        I think some of your friend’s feelings might be related to that a lot of the US at least has tended to skew extroverted, so even getting things a bit more introverted now probably feels uncomfortable and “wrong”.

    6. Ellis Bell*

      I mean, for a lot of industries/groups of people they carried on as normal during the pandemic. Maybe not socially, but during the pandemic, I was spending my days reassuring large groups of keyworker kids about… everything and keeping them well socialised. I definitely didn’t get to indulge my introvert tendencies! This may be why half the school I worked at went out socialising em masse yesterday. I joined them for the the last day of school festivities for a few hours, but some people extended it beyond that and went on a pub crawl. I will concede the point that some things are less social than they used to be. Nobody wanted to do anything at Christmas as we were all sick, but that never used to stop people.

    7. Cat Executive Officer*

      Framing it as “the introverts won” is really weird. It sounds like he just needs to find people with compatible interests (like attending dinner parties) rather than trying to force people to do things they don’t like.

      I consider myself to be a fairly social person and enjoy both hanging out in groups and on an individual basis. I always plan things my friends and I will mutually enjoy and feel comfortable with. I don’t want to pressure people to do things against their will.

      The only thing I have noticed in recent years is that some people solely prefer to spend their time online/via social media. While I enjoy the internet to an extent, I’m not big on social media and still prefer in person interactions to online interactions. As a result, I have drifted apart from some people because I don’t interact with them on social media and they don’t interact with me in-person. Oh well – it is what it is.

    8. Llama face!*

      Seems to me like your friend is feeling some of the losses/trauma of the **ongoing** pandemic (and the multiple other factors making life extra hard to manage right now) but is mis-attributing them to some kind of social war between introverts and extroverts. I think you can empathize with his feeling of loss without propping up his silly rationalization.

      Fwiw, even if he was right that introverts made some strides in obtaining their preferred interaction styles, the world is so largely made to cater to extroverts that this is still not even close to equality yet. And, frankly, it’s rather self-centered to assume everyone should match his style of socializing instead of there being balance and compromise so everyone gets at least some of what they need.

    9. Dinoweeds*

      As an extrovert who LOVES to host people – a weekly dinner party is… a lot. I agree with other commenters that he’s probably unaware or being blind/obtuse about how much the friend group has changed in 4 years.

      1. Peanut Hamper*

        This also made me realize that he’s misjudging what an actual introvert is. I’m an introvert and I love a good dinner party. But then I need a lot of time alone to recharge. Attending these once a week would be a huge ask for me. I don’t have that kind of social bandwidth.

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          I suspect he’s run into people using “introvert” to mean “general misanthropist” or “person with extreme social anxiety.” Which as an introvert I find frustrating. Introversion means you are delighted to have the afternoon to yourself at the vacation house, not that you should be excused from attending your spouse’s award ceremony or best friend’s wedding because you would be expected to talk to people.

      2. Butterfly*

        I missed the fact that the dinner parties once a week in the original post. Expecting people to attend your event every single week is a big ask! I don’t think the issue here is even extroversion vs introversion – his expectations of other people’s time are too high.

    10. StillSafetyIssues*

      And there are still plenty of people with restrictions around being around groups of people, especially indoors, especially while eating/drinking so there are no masks. We’re disregarded and ignored and mostly forgotten, but plenty of us still exist.

    11. Bazzais10thisyear*

      People have changed since then. Your friend would like everything to have remained the same. People don’t have the energy to spend on going out that much and spend as long in hours (1 to 3) with other people as much as they used to. He misses that. He needs to expand his friends and acquaintances to fulfill his needs, so he has by his standards a good turnout of people for his weekly dinners

    12. Six Feldspar*

      Apart from the great points everyone else has raised, the pandemic/economics have taken some group activities out even if it’s just correlation. Multiple music festivals have been cancelled here, nightclubs and bars have lower numbers, movie theatres are less popular. I think the move to work from home has smoothed out the demand as well so we’re not ALL trying to socialise ONLY on friday & Saturday nights.

      Those dinners also sound like a frequency/intensity issue – to me, a weekly dinner hosted by the same person with the same guests would be a hard no. Making them monthly instead would take the pressure off, or changing the guests based on who’s available, or doing a lower key standing coffee catch up once a week. Does anyone else ever do dinners or catchups or is it his hosting only? He sounds like he’s almost ready to start his own cafe!

    13. Falling Diphthong*

      Fewer people come and are generally more awkward and also flaky.

      I think a lot of people were feeling rather feral after the pandemic isolation, and how to socialize in groups is a skill that is still awkwardly getting worked out for some. Though, as an introvert, I have been to gatherings this past year and it felt as normal.

      Flakiness specifically, I think there has been a decades’ long trend of people viewing an invitation to a friend’s event as akin to a nightclub announcing their menu and singer, and believing it won’t be irritating if they say they are coming and then bail at the last minute. Which in turn has led people to host less because it’s become more frustrating. And the pandemic did give a boost to people who like to say yes and then bail at the last minute, since it was one more big reason to say no.

  35. Liminality*

    The seller accepted my offer on their house! (yay!)
    We have The Inspection scheduled for Tuesday and I’m all in suspense. :)
    Is there anything you wish your inspector would have noticed or found when you were home buying? Any tests you wish you’d have done?

    1. Sloanicota*

      I have had two friends now say they wished they’d added the radon test on, as it was later detected even though it wasn’t predicted to be there (one was a third story apartment!). I wish I’d done a lead test on the water and as far as I can tell it didn’t happen.

    2. Josame*

      The seller followed the inspector around, arguing with him on everything he noted. He ended up leaving some things off the list because of this – and we had to deal with them later as they were all valid concerns. I wish the seller had not been present at our inspection.

      1. Liminality*

        Woah!! I didn’t know they were allowed to do that!
        I get to go meet with the inspector on Tuesday once they’ve inspected to ask questions and be shown things they have found.
        One thing that makes me nervous is that on a short sale there is no negotiation over damage/issues. It’s a take-it-or-leave-it situation.

        1. A313*

          Go around WITH the inspector. They can show you where main water shutoff valve is for the house, how to change air filters on furnace, any “odd” things that aren’t wrong, per se, but might be of interest to you. And as noted above, seller should never be there!

          1. office hobbit*

            Seconding this! And ask questions as you go! When I had my inspection done I was not yet in my “ask smart people stupid questions” era, and I wish I had been.

        2. BikeWalkBarb*

          Oh yikes. A family member of mine got absolutely ripped off by an unqualified inspector who didn’t find *a hole in the roof*, nor did he identify the bad wiring. This emerged too late to do anything about it and its been a very expensive lesson for a first time home buyer. Make sure they actually inspected everything.

      2. Ricotta*

        My seller’s entire family was present and turned the inspection into a clown show. They had unruly, horribly-behaved small children, and the one climbed up on the kitchen counter and touched the hot stove coils (the inspector had just turned them all off from running at max power to make sure there were no dead spots). Cue big drama about how we were endangering their family for our “little tests.” It was completely ridiculous.

        1. WellRed*

          How much do you wanna bet the neighbors of that clown family are excited to see them go!

    3. Stephanie*

      We bought our house almost 5 years ago. It was built in 1941, and we knew we’d need to stay on top of maintenance and watch out for issues that come with older houses. The inspector told us that the roof was okay, but would need replacing fairly soon. What he didn’t tell us was that while the front side of the roof had been replaced at one point, the back side still had older shingles on it. (Our house is a Cape Cod, with a steep roof and a low roof line on the front, and the back is essentially just a full-width dormer, so the roof line is much higher in the back, and it’s harder to see the back of the roof from the backyard.)
      We just had the roof replaced this week, and only found out about the older shingles on the back when the roofing company did the pre-job inspection.
      We also did not know, because the inspector didn’t go up into the attic, that our upstairs bathroom vent fan was venting directly into the attic, and not outside like it should. Just found that out this week, too. (The roofers fixed that, too.)
      Make sure your inspector actually goes into spaces that are harder to access, like attics and crawl spaces. Those spaces can tell you a lot about a house, and most homeowners don’t actually check them out themselves. Your roof and foundation are the most important part of the house, make sure those are in good shape; if they’re not, or need some work, make sure you know what that will cost.
      An inspector can point out things that you may not be able to see, but ultimately, the burden is on you, the buyer, to do your diligence. Follow the inspector as they check the house and systems, and ask a questions if you don’t understand something or if you notice something that looks odd to you.
      Best of luck! There’s no such thing as a perfect, maintenance free, problem free house. They all need something, and that’s okay, as long as you have a reasonable picture of what those things might be, so that you’re prepared for them.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Make sure they double check for any animal activity–the smallest crack can admit a family of raccoons, or buzzing in the wall is a generations-old beehive.

        1. Liminality*

          Funny you should say that… :D I’m going to have to get the place professionally cleaned cause the owners have moved out and left approximately 2/3 of their cat(s) behind! (Not literally, but that place is COVERED in fur! Like, however much you’re imagining, double it and then add a little more. It’s disturbing.)
          But you’re right. I’ll add that to the list, thanks!

          1. goddessoftransitory*

            Peanut is currently leaving enough fur around to construct a mini-Peanut, and he’s a shorthair1

    4. office hobbit*

      Definitely the radon test if it’s a concern in your area. Definitely have a sewer scope done. You definitely want the inspection to tell you expected lifespan and condition of all major appliances and features (heating, roof, exterior paint/siding, plumbing, electrical)–even if you can’t negotiate with that info, you can start budgeting for repairs/replacements. If you’re working with a realtor, see if they can arrange bids for any major work that gets flagged. You don’t have to use the bids, but then you know “ok, in 3-5 years I will be out $x for the suchandsuch system” (and you’ll get your realtor’s recommended contractors to boot). If electrical is a concern, I know it’s possible to have a separate electrical inspection done, but I haven’t done that myself. A general inspector should, I think, be able to tell you if the electrical is iffy enough that a full electrical inspection might turn up something that would make you halt the sale.

      I wish my inspection had focused more on structural issues; my report had a lot of “the oven is not bracketed to the wall, the smoke alarm is not close enough to the bedroom” and no “this insect-damaged beam in the basement is a problem” (maybe it’s not!). My inspection also did not have any imaging done (like infrared), which I later wished had been included–but since it wasn’t, I’m not quite sure if it would have added value or if it’s just a cool whizbang. Oh, I’ve heard stories about bathroom exhaust vents venting straight into the attic (instead of outside), so that might be another thing to ask them to check out, as well as attic ventilation generally.

    5. toeshoes*

      Just had a townhouse inspection done. I really appreciated that the inspector went into the attic. Told us about the insolation (legal for time it was built, needs improving now) and evidence of mice (not necessarily current mice, but previous mice).
      We ended up not going with that place (yet), and I’m having a bit of buyer’s remorse over the place we did choose.

    6. Enough*

      You may need/what other inspectors for specific areas. Regular inspectors don’t usually deal with structural issues for example. Since you can’t open up wall there can always be things you can’t see like termite/water/fire damage that might show up if you do renovations later.

    7. Rain*

      Have a sewer scope done! I’ve purchased 2 houses, and both the sewer scope showed tree root interference that I was able to use to negotiate a lower price.
      It saved me at least $10k.

      (We’re negotiating an offer on our third house and have made it contingent upon both inspection and a clean sewer scope.)

    8. Spacewoman Spiff*

      A few people have mentioned sewer scope. Definitely do this, and also make sure you understand how far they’re scoping. I paid $200 for the scope, things were OK, and then within a month of moving in had to pay $13K to replace my line from the curb trap out to the main. I didn’t realize they only scoped from my house to the trap…and there was 19 feet of line beyond that.

      Also, take everything the inspector finds with a grain of salt. Mine said this was one of the best houses he’d ever inspected, and yet I’ve laid out $20K in three months to fix such bizarre issues as the sellers installing a SINK drain and sink-sized pipe for my bathtub.

    9. goddessoftransitory*

      CHECK WATER PRESSURE.

      This is a personal pet peeve but I hate weak, dribbly showers!

      1. A perfectly normal-size space bird*

        That’s another thing lacking on ours. Our supply pipe isn’t big enough for modern needs. Would have been easy for our inspector to notice that when a toilet flushes, everything else turns into a trickle. We’ve come to terms with having to put a hold on any water use while someone is in the shower and scheduling washing machine use. But I fantasize that one day we’ll have the money to fix it, once we get down to that spot on the list.

    11. A perfectly normal-size space bird*

      I wish the inspector had noticed our roof attic space had two separate sections and went to both. The section he didn’t go to had split trusses! Not to mention everything about the “new” roof was done wrong. He also hadn’t noticed there was not enough support beams under the floor, which wasn’t terrible, just unnerving and caused pans in the kitchen to rattle whenever someone stomped in the living room. Also would have been nice if he indicated that there were so many two prong ungrounded outlets. We discovered the first week that some of the supposed new breakers were salvage and the switches were spongy when the power went out and couldn’t be switched back on.

      The downstairs shower turned out to be unusable because there’s a crack in the drain that rotted the floorboards underneath. He would have passed under these floorboards from the basement to get to the crawl space and it’s super obvious. We don’t think he went under the house at all. There’s windows that were panes of glass caulked into a frame instead of being actual windows. We just emptied our savings replacing most of them because many were cracked.

      We had to buy at a distance because we lived too far away for more than the initial house hunting trip, which was already a mad dash, so we really relied upon him for these details. He was supposed to be a highly rated inspector, which is why we hired him. He spent more time and space on the inspection form critiquing the cracks in the driveway than anything else. This is a 70+ year old house that was hand built by the original owners using hillbilly engineering* and so far, every year we’ve found a new thing that should have been caught.

      *Am from hillbilly land, now again living in it, DIY work that wouldn’t pass code is rampant

      1. BlueWolf*

        My house is about 70 years old and I think had similar construction. In hindsight, we should’ve had a structural inspection done. It was listed as-is (1st red flag of course, but we were first time homebuyers). It was a definite flip, but most of the major systems and the interior had been newly renovated, so we figured there wouldn’t be too many issues. We also should have found our own inspector before starting the process rather than using the one recommended by our buyer’s agent. We paid extra to have the crawl space inspected, but he was not a structural engineer. That would have been a separate inspection (and even more $$$). He noted a few issues, but he played everything off like it would be an easy fix because “he has a similar house and did that stuff himself”. Easy to say for someone who is used to crawling around in tight, dirty, spider filled crawl spaces, but no way were we going to be doing anything like that ourselves. He missed the fact that one of the main joists was actually cracked. We still went ahead with sale (not knowing about the cracked joist) because it was during the COVID housing boom and it was the best of the houses we had seen within our limited budget. We later ended up spending about $20,000 on repairs to the foundation after a whole year long odyssey involving two different contractors. Fortunately, we bought before prices and interest rates really shot up, so I think in the long run it’s been ok since we’ve gained some equity, but it sure was stressful for a while. I definitely have a lot more knowledge for my next house hunt. The big constraining factor was that we were so tight on cash going into the process that passing up on this house would have meant we wouldn’t really have had enough cash to pay for inspections and all the other associated costs on a different one without some additional help.

        1. A perfectly normal-size space bird*

          We were in a similar buying situation. COVID had just shut everything down and housing prices hadn’t yet shot up. We got our house for such a bargain that we were able to buy in full (eternally grateful to my grandmother for leaving just enough to me that we could do that). And having got it at a bargain meant we could put in the $30k so far in repairs it’s needed. The housing prices skyrocketed since buying and the market price of our house is now estimated enough that even with the cost of all the repairs, we’d come out $60k ahead. Of course, since housing prices are now so high, we wouldn’t be able to find a house this good with a lot this large for under $250k.

          We were also lucky that we’d lived in enough rental houses with terrible foundations that we knew what to look for when we had our brief visit while house hunting. One of the selling points for this house was, aside from the lack of support underneath, which was easily fixed and surprisingly not expensive, the structure was top notch. That’s the one thing the original owners did right when they built it, so we can strip it down to the studs if we ever had a pile of money drop into our laps for renovation.

    12. Juneybug*

      Water test! Test for chemicals and most of all, drink it. See if you like the taste.

      We didn’t do that when we brought our current house and wow, did we get lucky! Our water is great but down the road, they have horrible problems with iron (constant orange rings in sinks, toilets, showers, etc.).

    13. TX_Trucker*

      If you are in an area prone to earthquakes, extreme drought, or hurricanes you may want to use a structural inspector in addition to a home inspector. A home inspector will “look” at these things but the report will be full of vague stuff that is not really actionable.

  36. Once too Often*

    Shout out to anyone dealing with cancer in any way. Sending positive vibes, & wishing you excellent support, comfort, & strength. May your teams be kind, skilled, & accurate in providing care.
    Care givers & support teams, you make a world of difference. Please take care of yourselves, too.
    For anyone doing the upcoming ride for Dana Farber Research, thank you, & may the wind be always at your back.

    3. Camelid coordinator*

      Thank you! My dearest friend from college came out to our new town for a few days. She took on some unpacking and house organizing jobs and also accompanied me to my first radiation appointments. We did some fun things as well. It was wonderful but a lot even with some resting each day.

      1. Once too Often*

        Radiation seems simple, especially if you’ve had more invasive treatment first, but it is surprisingly tiring.

        My top tips are
        A) wear a hat! It’s cold in there (machines require it; my tech team wore fleece jackets.)
        B) Start your exercises/stretching around the same time as you start radiation. Tissues continue tightening for a year or so after radiation. Give yourself as much range of motion as you can.

        What a lovely friend you have. That kind of support makes everything so much easier.

    4. Rara Avis*

      Thanks for your good wishes! I’m feeling sad this week because I’m missing a yearly event that I enjoy very much. I’m well enough now, but at the time I needed to plan the trip, I didn’t have the wavelength.

  37. Anonymous Educator*

    Thanks to whomever recommended Missing last week. Just watched it. Was riveted! Were there a couple of contrived plot points? Sure! But it was still a great movie!

    I was surprised to find out (via scholarly source Wikipedia) that it was the #2 most-streamed on Netflix when it was released. I’d never heard of it (and I loved Searching).

    Anyone else accidentally come across something they loved that the algorithm should have recommended?

    1. Writerling*

      I’d never heard of it until it went to Netflix either, and I love Searching too!! They’re both really well done. Might rewatch them to analyze the story elements hahaha

      Another movie I’d never heard of but stumbled upon on Netflix is Queenpins with Kristen Bell. Didn’t expect to be so entertained but at the same time, yes I did (I love her). I do recommend that one!

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        The original book is fabulous! Megan Abbot wrote a lot of period noirs (she’s currently doing more present day thrillers set in various female spaces.)

          1. goddessoftransitory*

            Her period noirs are Queenpin, Bury Me Deep, The Song is You (my favorite) and Die a Little.

  38. Writerling*

    Anyone in the tri-state area go to the Joe Hisaishi Ghibli concert last week? What was your favorite part? (if you can pick just the one, because I certainly can’t!)

    I was so excited they opened with Nausicaa, I nearly cried. I love these movies so much and these concerts always remind me of that.

      1. Writerling*

        I do believe he’s scheduled in SF this year (Sep?), and has shows all over! I saw him abroad a few years ago, highly recommend if ever doable!!

  39. Nonny today*

    I’m debating whether to offer financial help to a really good friend who got into grad school but can’t afford it without financial aid, which has been… refused? (Only qualifies for loans but she understandably doesn’t want to get into debt.) We’re both in the U.S but different coasts.

    Has anyone done this for non-dependents? Is there any preference, or pros and cons, over sending money vs paying the school directly? Would appreciate any resources you might have. Thank you!

    1. RagingADHD*

      Is it a one-time thing, or will the person need ongoing support, and if so, are you okay with committing to that long-term?

      Injecting money / financial dependence into a friendship will change the dynamic between you, and it can be difficult for the recipient to feel like an emotional equal. Sometimes that leads to the recipient becoming avoidant.

      There’s a good friendship I have struggled to maintain because the other friends were much wealthier than us, and kept wanting to underwrite really expensive activities like vacations. We would insist on contributing some portion, or making other contributions like having them stay at our home, but it was impossible for us to really make it even. Then I felt like I “owed” my friend a lot more emotional labor – I felt horribly guilty if I couldn’t drop everything when she called, for example. And I just felt insecure and less-than in all sorts of ways, like that my home wasn’t nice enough, or the meals I cooked weren’t gourmet enough. I knew they were putting up with a far lower standard of living when they were with us, to try to make us feel better. It’s messy.

      I’m not saying you shouldn’t do this for your friend – it’s a wonderful thing. Just be prepared to navigate some weirdness between you, because at some point it’s going to get weird.

      1. Nonny today*

        It’s a 2 year program part time, so that’s what I’d expect to commit to, or at least get her started (like if she can get scholarships later on).

        It’s a very good point that it’s likely to change dynamics, even if we’re mostly a long distance friendship. That should definitely be discussed (there’s loads to be discussed). I’ve had very wealthy friends too, maybe not up to vacations but buying tickets to plays and things, and I do understand that insecurity or feeling less-than. Ironically she’s been the one supporting me more than I feel I’ve been able to offer her, so helping her with school feels like… helping her in a crucial way I can’t otherwise from living far away? (With the bonus of giving her a much needed boost and opening more doors for her.) As much as I can say “accept this as a no interest loan” she’ll very likely insist on paying me back, and to be honest I’m still thinking through/reflecting to what extent I’m emotionally ready to offer that (100% gift? X% gift and Y% pay back?). Cue overthinking…

        1. Joey*

          I don’t think you can earn a graduate degree in two years part-time so I’d be cautious that this could potentially take longer or not be very highly regarded. It’s also (perhaps commonly) considered a bad investment to pay for graduate school yourself without funding from either the school (scholarships, grants, on-campus work) or from an employer. (What is the goal here—if the person wants a better career and doesn’t get one as an outcome will she resent paying for it?) No funding could be a sign that this is a bad fit. Also no initial funding means future funding is unlikely, doesn’t it? Isn’t it a recruitment tool?

          There are benefits of getting a federal loan if she proceeds with a loan. Income-based payments, deferments for special circumstances, forgiveness with certain programs or time frames, and protections if the educational program turns out to be fraudulent just to name a few.

          1. Nonny today*

            You can, it’s a year program FT but doubled PT, importantly online because she can’t attend the campus on the other side of the state, but it’s a very esteemed and well known school. (Fwiw, my degree was the same length abroad, also doubled if PT)

            I don’t know about future funding, the acceptance and starting date are kind of close together and I’m not sure about scholarships (offered yearly, twice a year, something else?? plus deadlines etc) but you’re right that it might worth considering future funding unlikely, to be safe. You also raise a good point about resenting paying for it if she doesn’t get a better job, something to be discussed and thought out!

          2. Lurker*

            It’s also (perhaps commonly) considered a bad investment to pay for graduate school yourself without funding from either the school (scholarships, grants, on-campus work) or from an employer.

            I think that depends on the degree. I got an MA from an Ivy League school that didn’t offer grants/scholarships because it was a terminal MA. They only offered funding for the PhD track. I specifically chose that program because it was terminal – I didn’t want to do an MA.

    2. toeshoes*

      I did this for a friend. I send a five-figure sum of money (10’s of thousands), so he could do a special thing. I knew him well enough that I was confident he would pay me back. (he did). The question I would ask: how confident are you this person will pay you back? If the answer is “very”, are you ok losing the money if they die?

      1. fhqwhgads*

        It’s interesting you went straight to discussion of paying back. I didn’t read the question as having any expectation of that.

        1. Nonny today*

          The expectation isn’t 100% there, but knowing my friend she’ll insist on paying some of it back. Definitely something to discuss with her though, I wanted some thoughts on the nitty gritty before broaching the subject with her, and this is sure to be mentioned haha

    3. Zephy*

      Loans are basically the only Federal financial aid available to graduate students. Outside of that, there may be scholarships or fellowships or research/teaching assistantships, but those are internal to the school so it’s going to vary from one institution to the next.

      Your friend might need to sign a FERPA authorization allowing the school to communicate with you about her account, if you wanted to try to make a payment directly; it may be easier for you to just give the money to your friend for her to use to make her payment.

    5. ronda*

      if your state offers tax deductions for a 529 plan, you can get a little savings on your taxes by funneling this through a 529 plan. You dont need to be related to the beneficiary, you can switch beneficiaries at any time if you decide to help someone else (or even yourself). And if you end up with money left over in 529, it can be moved to a Roth IRA if the beneficiary qualifies for a Roth IRA contribution that year and it has been in the 529 for the required number of years up to a total of 35k(? I could have that number slightly wrong).

      Otherwise it is about how much money you want to give and how much control you want on how it is spent. Communicate about how much you can provide and for how long and if that will be enough to meet friends needs.

      3. Clisby*

        You’re correct about rolling over from a 529 account by a Roth IRA – I’m starting that process for my daughter, who’s in a PhD program. However, you can’t do it until the 529 account has been open for 15 years, and you can roll over a max of $7000/year (overall max of $35,000).

    6. Esprit de l'escalier*

      20 years I offered a friend $10,000 to enable her to buy a house. I told her that it was a gift, not a loan, and that the moment she accepted it I was going to forget it ever happened and hoped she would too, because I was able to do it and wanted to do it. She accepted, and then about 10 years later I was pleasantly surprised (because I actually had forgotten about it) when she repaid it, but it would have been fine if she hadn’t.

      I think that being very clear about my intentions was key to how well it worked, but also she and I are both fairly pragmatic and not neurotic about money.

      1. Nonny today*

        That’s a good point! I can see myself saying the same (to an extent/agreed amount). Engage further pondering…

    7. Not A Manager*

      I don’t know if this is still the case, but back when it was relevant to me, the IRS treated money gifts to an individual differently than paying tuition directly to a school on someone’s behalf. Depending on the amount that you’re planning to gift each year, this might or might not matter to you. (The issue is “gift tax.” There’s an amount that you can gift each recipient every year without triggering gift tax, but if you’re going significantly over that amount, it’s worth seeing whether it makes a difference if you pay it directly to the school instead of the individual.)

      1. RussianInTexas*

        The lifetime first tax exemption for 2024 is $13mil. You only start paying taxes on the gifts you give after that.
        The reportable annual tax limit is $18k. Which only means it gets reported at that point, not that you have to pay taxes on it.

      3. Nonny today*

        Oh yeah, that’s one thing I saw after a quick search, one I forgot until mentioned. I’ll look into that, thanks all!

    8. I didn't say banana*

      It sounds like this friend applied for grad school without knowing how they would fund it. Is that typical of this friend’s approach to life, or was it that the funding they counted on (and had researched to check they were eligible etc) unexpectedly fell through? Would you be okay funding grad school for a friend who maybe didn’t plan well? What if they don’t finish the program? Or finish it but never use it? What if you’re paying for school and notice them spending money on frivolous things, would that upset you? I’m not discouraging you, just adding things to think about.

    9. Falling Diphthong*

      This hit me right in the dirty lens, because my mooching relative is a perpetual student. (But happy to max out student loans, in anticipation of that great job they will one day get… but oops, the money has vanished, only by relatives helping out with more money as a special one-off can they hope to continue and then they’ll be on their feet and get that job… oops, that money also vanished, couldn’t have foreseen, but if you help one more time…)

      I agree with Joey that if they didn’t get support at admission, it is very unlikely that any will appear in the future. I agree with I Didn’t Say Banana that it would make a difference whether they had good reason to believe they had funding but it fell through, or whether their plan is something will always turn up. (The something being the checkbook of a friend or family member.)

      If you can do it like Esprit d’Escalier, a one time gift you’re okay never seeing again, it can be fine. That depends heavily on whether one-off help to this friend is a true one-off, or just moving you into the role of person they will mooch off of until you say no.

    10. Love me, love my cat*

      Maybe this doesn’t matter in your case, but are you sure not expecting to be paid back is a good thing? You might be very secure today, but a few years from now you might wish those thousands of dollars were still in your bank account. And there is no guarantee your friend will be able to repay it then.
      Keep in mind that people are all kinds of weird about money, too. If your friend can always count on you for money, will it become an expectation? Will friend start to resent always feeling indebted?
      I may be just needlessly looking for trouble here, but I think anyone looking to loan or give more than just a few dollars should consider it from all angles.

  40. Ricotta*

    Is anyone else still struggling a lot with phantom issues across their usual websites? I can’t tell if my desktop and phone are suddenly outdated/infected, or if it’s the Crowdstrike/Azure stuff.

    1. sagewhiz*

      Oh lord, I swore Mercury retrograde must have started a month early! Just this morning: Big trouble with my desktop, when that healed itself, then big trouble with several websites, then internet issues on the smart tv and the iPad, plus all sorts of trouble with websites conking out/reloading via the tablet. Altho the CrowdStrike mess did not mess with Macs, I have a feeling it probably has to do with that. Frustrating, n’est pas?!?

    2. WellRed*

      I couldn’t refill prescriptions on the CVS app last weekend nor get through their phone. My little bookstore that same day was having a few system issues, which had gotten worse a few days later but thus us all before the cloud strike disaster.

    3. Shutterdoula*

      My medical portal still had a few hiccups this morning. Some of the stuff I’d previously been able to see (billing, lab results) now say “temporarily unavailable”

  41. Medical decluttering*

    Folks with a lot of medical/insurance paperwork, have you ever thrown away a specific form and regretted it?

    I am trying to tackle my piles, but my scanner is a “set one sheet down at a time” style so “just scan it all and dump on a hard drive” is still a major undertaking. This is my first year under an HDHP plan with an extremely high deductible and coinsurance that requires pre-approval for everything, so it generates a ton of mail.

    1. Shutterdoula*

      Could you pay a service to get you caught up and then stay on top of it weekly moving forward?

    2. WellRed*

      Short answer is no. I would think prior autos and things like that would be electronic for the most part? What other paperwork do you feel you need to hang onto? Receipts for reimbursement? Either way, I’m not sure I’d see the value in scanning individual documents except on an as needed basis. Keep the hard copies until you can shred and ditch, after the next plan year and taxes are filed or three years or whatever you are most comfortable with. Just scan the important stuff.

    3. fposte*

      My answer is no, not really. I’m glad to have found some pre-computer era records I retained, but I never worry about anything within the same year as it’s always been online or replaceable. I’ve gone for paperless records on everything I can and I just store copies on my computer if I know I’ll need them later. General billing stuff, like my receipts from my dentist, I store till tax time and if I don’t have enough for a medical exemption I throw them away.

      Is it possible that some of your paperwork is redundant, either with online stuff or materially? I don’t save my hard copy pre-auths, for instance. Can you dig into your insurance and provider sites to see if there’s a category you can discard?

    4. Rainy*

      If you have a digitizing service in your area, they’ll do that work. They tend to have the bulk scanners etc, and will give you an estimate up front although of course you’ll ultimately pay for the time they spend.

      Digitizing services will often advertise themselves as a service for photos, home video on obsolete formats etc, but most of them will digitize pretty much anything as long as they have the equipment for it. Don’t do any of the services where you send your stuff off to them in a box. They are bad at what they do and often just don’t return your originals even though they promise to. A local company with a brick and mortar presence is the way to go.

    5. ronda*

      for one doctor I asked them to send me a statement of my account for the year and they emailed me a pdf of all the charges and payments.

      my library system allows x amount of copies a month for each member, the copy machines also do scanning. Maybe see if your library does also.

      When I worked in an office I did that scanning of stuff on the office copier occasionally.

      If you have an HSA account , I think you can save the expenses for future years tax returns, you dont have to take the $ out of your HSA in the year you pay the expense.

      If you dont need them for your tax return, I would get rid of them the next year after everything is resolved with that particular year.

    6. mreasy*

      On the last two plans I’ve had (United and BCBS), everything mailed to me is a duplicate from documents available in their portal. I don’t keep any of it, and I also have a TON of medical stuff & appts.

    7. Deborah*

      Hi — I can’t really speak to your question about throwing away something and regretting it, but your local public library may offer free scanning. The one here does, and you can use the document feeder to scan a lot at once, straight to your email.

    9. Peanut Hamper*

      If anybody’s reading this and the huge pile of documents they need to scan, I highly recommend buying a multifunction printer with an automatic document feeder (ADF). For scanning software, I recommend NAPS2, which is available for Linux, Mac, and Windows, and makes it easy to scan two-sided documents even if your scanner doesn’t do that.

    10. Insurance Fun*

      Two suggestions, if they will work for you:

      1. Have everything currently sent on paper converted to “paperless”, and just log in to your insurance portal(s) to look at everything, and print things as needed. This is what I do, it is a godsend.

      2. If # 1 above is not an option, buy a scanner that supports multiple pages at once, and go to town on the paperwork.

    11. staying anon now*

      I have been on an HDHP for 10 years and this is what I do.

      1. I rarely scan anything. I don’t see the point and I don’t think I have ever needed to access prior authorizations, etc.

      2. For prior authorizations, I either get rid of them once the insurance claim has been processed and resolved to my satisfaction or I attach the prior authorization to the claim.

      3. I store medical bills and associated claim forms with my tax documentation for the year, as I pay those bills from a health savings account. I significantly reduce tax documentation, including all the medical stuff, after 7 or 8 years.

      4. Over the past 10 years, there have been some medical expenses that I didn’t pay from a health savings account. Those are in a separate folder in case I ever want to reimburse myself from the health savings account. It’s too long to get into, but I did that this year with money from my late husband’s health savings account. I will store those invoices with my tax documentation for this year.

    12. serenity by Jan*

      Not sure if you will see this, but you can scan to PDF using a smartphone and email the documents to yourself. Maybe that would be easier?

  42. Lucy*

    Does anyone know of any companies that sell somewhat healthy pre-made meals that you can buy whenever you want instead of subscribing? (It’s just something I would want to buy occasionally for specific times of the year, not something I want to use regularly.)

    I tried a few Clean Eatz dinners but was not impressed. Most of their meals are super high in salt, so I had to specifically hunt for lower sodium meals. Only one out of the four different meals I bought was good. The rest seemed…not well proportioned and bland? Like the spinach chicken pasta had a lot of bland chicken, some pasta, and spinach bits that were barely noticeable.

    Does anyone have any experience with other brands that they would recommend?

    1. ronda*

      I used factor for a while.
      It is a subscription, so you have to go in and ‘cancel’ the default meals for weeks you want no meals and switch out for the meals you want. I liked some of the stuff, but not all. they have pretty good descriptions of what is in each meal. factor send you we want you back offers if you cancel, so you will get some mail, but maybe a discount when you are ready to occasionally order. But do remember to not let the default meals go forward for the next week.

      These were also subscription but you could turn off the delivery for weeks you dont want when they show up on the website.
      I was using one local to Portland OR, Farm to Fit. It looks like they no longer deliver to my area, but they were fresher, like they had salads you could order.
      I also used Good Measure Meals in Atlanta GA. Also fresh and local. I used it many years ago when you could not really pick your meals. Now it looks like they have the model where you can choose the meals you want.

    2. Mystery*

      Our local farmer’s market has someone who runs that as a small business. Ask around there might be a local one!

      1. CTT*

        Yes, you’re probably going to want to look for something local instead of online since those are more catered to an “on demand” market than on online service.

          1. Now retired*

            Yes, we have had much more success with local places than any of those online meals delivery sources. We actually have an organization that delivers meals as many nights of the week as you want. We just call the day before to set it up.

    3. SuprisinglyADHD*

      On a road trip, I was surprised by how good some of the frozen supermarket meals were. Sodium wasn’t a concern for us, so I can’t speak to that, but my partner really liked the Hungry Man meals, and I really enjoyed the Raios pastas. We both liked the Healthy Choice Cafe Steamers, but neither of us liked anything from Marie Calendars.

    4. Ouchienonymous*

      I haven’t gotten to try it yet, but I’m planning on getting some low FODMAP meals from Modify Health. They offer healthy meals tailored to specific diets, and there’s no subscription, you just buy the meals you want and the deliver weekly on Fridays. Anyone else actually try their stuff?

    5. Katie*

      You might want to look locally. There are several in my area where we can buy as many meals we want from there lists each week. The one I used had 5 normal and 5 healthy meals to select from each week.

    6. Love me, love my cat*

      Lots of supermarkets in my area sell ready-made meals. They also have salads and fresh-cut fruit.
      Since the pandemic, a fair amount of restaurants have been making meals for pick-up when customers call in an order. So easy, and you only need to know you’re getting hungry–no subscription needed!

    7. Peter*

      I assume you’re not in the UK but for those who are, Wiltshire Farm Foods have been really good for my parents.
      Order online or by phone. Pay by card or cash. Delivery in the agreed slots and the driver will transport and deposit everything into your freezer if needed.

  43. Justin*

    My second book (an education book about neurodivergent students of color) is out in a month and I’m excited and nervous, because a Lot of me is in it (ie stories from my life, alongside the people I interviewed).

    I think it’ll be successful, and hopefully impactful, but I’m tense. I was tense with my first book but that was an academic book so the audience was limited.

    Mostly though, I wrote it for the kid I once was, who was left to flounder by teachers because I was good at tests yet in deep social distress. I am an educator myself now, partially because I don’t want anyone to feel that way. So regardless of what happens, I think my younger self will thank me in some cosmic way.

    (I’ll share the title if people ask, but this is not “promo”).

    1. Rain*

      Congratulations! I’m sure it will do well, and it’s very thoughtful of you to want to help children who might be in the same place you were. Good luck!

      1. Justin*

        It’s been emotional whiplash.

        During the interviews with the others (last fall), it was just fun and affirming to share experiences.

        During the writing (kind of an intense hyperfocus blur around Christmas to MLK day), I didn’t feel much other than my normal joy at Getting Things Done.

        Reading back through it, I felt sad for what the others had experienced.

        During the editing process, I felt sad for myself.

        Now I’m mostly a mix of excited, nervous, and kind of mad, especially because, even before my diagnosis, I knew but couldn’t explain why I’d always felt I’d been treated unfairly to some extent, and to re-read my stories I get transported back to how scared and embarrassed I felt at the time, almost entirely because the teachers (and some of my classmates) found me irritating. But I did have good teachers, and I became a teacher because of the ones who made me feel amazing (even though I teach adults now, you still need support as an adult learner). And I am a really good teacher.

        So, all of those things. It’s A Lot. I’m trying not to dwell on the anger (yes, it’s discussed in therapy), and focus on what benefit it will bring. But I’m not a fool – I can’t actually go back in time to help him/me. And I’m mad I wasn’t supported by my institutions just because I was good at tests or whatever.

    5. fposte*

      Pre-ordered! You’ve been posting here for some time and on topics that I find both important and personally interesting. I’m really impressed by your achievements and I hope the book is a great success.

      1. Justin*

        It’s funny given I just use my first name here (I go by my initials in most of my public work) that I feel so anonymous here given this is, you know, a common male name. But I guess some folks do follow my “story.”

        When I started posting here, I had a terribly paying job (before I got a better paying job with bad managers, whose badness i recognized partially due to reading here, and now a well-paying job with mostly good managers), and no doctorate, and no books.

        A lot happens in 8 years (I started reading in late spring of 2016).

        1. fposte*

          I remember! I especially admired your going to grad school. (I’m a now-retired academic and I think we had a few exchanges on the topic.)

    7. Tiny clay insects*

      Hey! I think we are book release buddies! My debut novel (a queer roller derby YA) comes out in exactly a month, too! And yeah omg I am SO tense. I’m excited but scared and impatient and anxious and basically every single emotion. And I’d love to hear the title of yours!

      2. goddessoftransitory*

        Have you read Anne Lamott’s description of publication day in her Bird By Bird? She and a friend had books coming out the same day and got up and waited for the parade of well wishers–in the evening he called her just laughing hysterically, and she got hysterical too, and “eventually we both had to be sedated.” But they did send each other flowers!

      3. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        That sounds really cool! If you share the title, I know a young person who would probably like it!

    10. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      That sounds like an amazing topic — wishing you much success, and I hope the people who will be helped by your book get to read it!

  44. Old molasses*

    Does molasses in an unopened jar ever go bad? I just discovered a jar of sorghum molasses, which I know is from 2012 because I wrote the date on the label. I’m out of my usual blackstrap molasses so this would be handy if it wouldn’t poison me. I’m inclined to throw it out, but the part of me that hates to waste food is trying to talk me into using it.

    2. Llama face!*

      I’ve heard that molasses is extremely long lasting – similar to honey – but the quality degrades over time. If it smells and looks fine, the jar lid isn’t puffed up, and it doesn’t have anything growing in it, my personal inclination would be to taste test it and if it still tastes normal, I’d use it. But I am definitely not a food safety expert so don’t take my personal views as expert advice!

    3. CityMouse*

      It’s not likely to be unsafe bad, but it is likely to have degraded in quality. If it smells bad, pitch it. If not, just taste it and see what you think.

    4. Snoozing not schmoozing*

      If it’s gone grainy, remove the lid and put the jar in a saucepan of water over low heat on your stove, stirring the molasses occasionally. Good as new! Molasses pretty much keeps indefinitely.

  45. Llama face!*

    I feel like my YouTube feed is getting very boring lately since some of my favourite channels have stopped posting regularly. What are your favourites to follow?
    Ifyou have one/some, please just give the channel name and a brief description instead of a link so we don’t inundate Alison with links needing approval/checking.

    1. Helvetica*

      So, without knowing what you like, some of my consistent favourites are:
      * UsefulCharts – if you’re into history and genealogy, he does great family trees of different monarchies and families, with interesting insight and cool graphics, really outlining also the history of a particular country/nation.
      * History Calling – historial, well-researched stories especially about Tudor England and its royals/contemporaries + what happened to them after (i.e. what happened to Anne Boleyn’s remains). I like her because she relies on original sources and is very meticulous about being true to the history, and critical about popular/made-up history (looking at you Philippa Gregory).
      * Jay Foreman – so, not a prolific uploader but his series Map Men and Unfinished London are some of the best condensed explanations of maps and well, London, that are very humorous and silly but insightful.
      * Plainly Difficult – educational videos mainly about industrial disasters and engineering failings (buildings collapsing, radioactivity accidents, explosions), which are super interesting, also because he goes through original accident reports and really explores and explains why a bridge collapsed or what went wrong for a chemical plant to explode.

      1. Llama face!*

        Thanks! I’m leaving topics open because I’d love to expand my horizons (and maybe other folks are interested in whatever I’m not).

      2. Helvetica*

        Also two specific travel channels that I forgot:
        * It’s finished now but I really enjoyed All the Stations, which has a 59-video playlist of a couple who visited all the train stations in the UK (later also Ireland). Short videos, lovely people both themselves and who they meet, and if you or anyone else is partial to trains, that is the playlist to go through.
        * Solo Travel Japan – a guy who takes ferries all over Japan. He doesn’t speak in his videos but I find them very calming and peaceful, and it is a very lovely channel about big boats, essentially.

      3. 248_Ballerinas*

        Todd in the Shadows – Popular music reviews. Best/worst lists, One Hit Wonderland, and Trainwreckords, albums that had a bad effect on an act’s career.

        Ready to Harvest – Christian denominations explained in a neutral and concise way.

    2. Rain*

      Nesting fail! Sorry.

      I have a few suggestions that are a bit eclectic but I enjoy watching them.

      Girl With the Dogs & Girl With the Dogs 2 – grooming channels. She grooms animals that other groomers won’t take, for free. The original one is 5 to 10 minute clips of highlights of grooming and the other one is ~20 minute videos with more explanation and detail.

      Brain Blaze – Random topics, ~30 minutes, usually very funny.

      Josh Johnson – Comedian & Daily Show contributor. ~25 minutes, updates once or twice a week, thoughtful comedy.

      Cecilia Blomdahl – She and her boyfriend live on Svalbard, An island so far north that it’s an Arctic tundra. lots of interesting stuff about life in a remote and harsh climate.

    3. Jill Swinburne*

      For cooking, Tasting History, of course! Historical recipes and the context behind them.

      I also like How To Cook That, which isn’t on a prolific posting schedule, but she’s a pastry chef who does all kinds of things – debunking stupid TikTok trends, rescuing cake fails, testing strange things online and making her husband try them (he’s a really good sport).

      Also second the Jay Foreman suggestion, and also Tim Traveller. That’s great because they’re usually <10 minutes long and he goes exploring little-seen corners of Europe. He’s also not a prolific poster (obviously, because it’s travel and heavily-researched) but they’re always interesting.

      1. Warrior Princess Xena*

        Dave the longsuffering!

        I like how seriously Anne takes food and kitchen safety and how kind she is even when she is debunking something to shreds. Her “I’m so done with this nonsense” facial expression is pretty solid too.

    4. goddessoftransitory*

      Dark Corners movie reviews: hilarious and fun! They also do lots of specials.

    5. GoryDetails*

      I’ll second Tasting History – I love that one!

      I also follow Cinema Therapy regularly; a therapist and a moviemaker team up to comment on films, whether to discuss how accurately the films portray therapy or to talk about narcissism in villains (and in heroes – the one on Iron Man was quite good), or to rate successful relationships in Disney films, that kind of thing. Very entertaining.

      Ask a Mortician: Caitlin Doughty’s channel, which doesn’t get frequent updates but when she does post something it’s usually quite solid – hour-long documentaries in some cases. She talks about burial practices, mass tragedies, unusual corpses, the latest in “green” corpse disposal… not for everyone, but I like her a lot.

    6. Headachey*

      Reading the Past for British history, mostly early modern.

      Tasting History, as mentioned.

      The Welsh Viking, for Viking, Welsh, and other history/archaeology/reenactment.

      Shannon Makes, formerly primarily a sewing/crafting channel, now focused on restoring a Victorian house in Nova Scotia.

      Martijn Doolard, who’s restoring a pair of stone cabins in the Italian Alps.

    7. fposte*

      League of Pigs – a charming British channel about a guy with a half dozen beloved small pigs that have learned to gallop over courses for the treats at the end (unless they get distracted along the way), and it’s set up as a hilarious racing league. #TeamGinger

      Baumgartner Restoration – an art restorer works on projects for the camera and explains his detailed process and precepts

      Uyen Ninh – a very funny and likeable Vietnamese woman who moved to Germany to be with her boyfriend (now fiancée) talks about culture and cultural differences

      Victoria and Albert Museum – a variety of types of video but I mostly watch the fascinating looks at the sometimes surprising material objects in their collection and how they are kept, displayed, and restored.

      1. Surrogate Tongue Pop*

        YESSSSSSSSSS, Baumgartner and V&A I already watch, these other sound awesome!

    8. Turtle Dove*

      Rajiv Surendra – creative and domestic arts with a gentle, thoughtful approach to life

      Pro Home Cooks – interesting cooking tips and recipes (and I don’t even like to cook)

      George Dunnett – Scottish humor and home renovations

      Living Big In A Tiny House – tiny-home living in New Zealand and elsewhere

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        Nice to see another fan of Living Big in a Tiny House. I’m contemplating tiny living when I eventually retire and that channel is so informative. I’ve bookmarked my favorite ones that focus on things like innovative storage ideas.

        1. Turtle Dove*

          I’ve bookmarked a lot too! Sometimes I daydream about which layout I’d pick for my own tiny home.

      2. NeonFireworks*

        I love Rajiv! He’s a sweetheart and has so many interesting, deep, thoughtful things to say about life and aesthetics and space and our relationships to our things.

    9. Surrogate Tongue Pop*

      Can of worms, opened! Ha! I subscribe to probably 600 YT channels (I prefer it over TV shows). All good suggestions so far. For broad interest, I recommend Oversimplified, Half as Interesting, CGP Grey. I watch a ton of sailing channels because the lifestyle intrigues me, but smaller channels these days (i.e. not Delos, not La Vagabonde, not Zatara). I also love car channels like Hoovies Garage, Tavarish, Sam Crac, Rich Rebuilds, Manny Khoshbin (I am a lady who like cars!). I also watch a lot of travel channels and aviation geek channels. Aviation….try Josh Cahill or Paul Lucas or Ryan So Fly, Nonstop Dan (but I avoid channels where the YouTubers are not paying for their own flights, like Sam Chui, some of his vids are OK, but he kowtows to the airlines in exchange for free flights). Lately I’ve switched from aviation/pilot/flight attendant channels to channels of people working for Royal Caribbean. Jordan Bauth, Chris Wong, and a couple others I like because they all do different jobs. Although one cargo pilot channel I like is 74 Gear! I also watch chiropractic channels (again, fascinating to me, like the Aligned Clinic) and some other cool medical channels like Violin MD, Dr. Mike (hello medical meme comedy) and Chubby Emu. If you like documentary style, I like Tea Time with Linsday Holiday for UK royal history deep dive stuff…I’m in the US). Happy discovering!

      1. Jill Swinburne*

        My mum likes those travel channels – she particularly enjoys Trek Trendy but to me he comes across as a total oaf.

    10. WoodswomanWrites*

      I like this thread and will have to check out some of the suggestions. Skipping the many channels I watch related to music, nature, hiking, and outdoor gear, here are others that I find interesting.

      Wired has various experts dive into the topic they know about. Recent examples include What Did Medieval English Sound Like, Why Do Orangutans Look Like That, Biomedical Scientist Answers Pseudoscience Questions From Twitter, and Why Did Ancient Egypt Fall.

      SciShow takes an entertaining approach to all kinds of topics that I wouldn’t have thought about. Some recent posts are A Scientist’s Approach to Composting, How Cheap Cigars Legitimized Quantum Mechanics, and The World’s Oldest Recipes.

      And for something that’s just relaxing, I’m a fan of Friesian Horses, a channel that features the day to day life of a woman in the Netherlands who raises horses of the Friesian breed as well as others. She’s great with animals and I’ve been watching for many years. It’s cool to see the horses grow up, get to know her kids, etc.

    11. Peanut Hamper*

      RoomieOfficial has a lot of cool music stuff. His video on “Songs You Didn’t Know Were Covers and Their Originals” was enlightening. I knew some of these, but learned a lot.

    12. RagingADHD*

      In the oddly satisfying / soothing genre: Girl With The Dogs (a pet groomer) and LockPicking Lawyer (exactly what it says)

      In the make you think / learn something genre: Legal Eagle (commentary on issues in the news or courtroom scenes in movies), and Knitting Cult Lady (an organizational psychologist who’s a cult survivor and has some really fascinating insights into deconstructing patriarchy and white supremacy).

      In the fun/funny category: Pitch Meeting (humorous movie analysis) and TaskMaster (British game show).

    13. Annie*

      Tech history and attempts to keep old technology running (most videos are at least 20 minutes long): Our Own Devices, Techmoan, Adrian’s Digital Basement, 8-Bit Show and Tell, Cathode Ray Dude, CuriousMarc, Usagi Electric, Tech Tangents, Action Retro, The 8-Bit Guy, Databits (formerly Databits Retro Tech), LGR (Lazy Game Reviews)

      Short science videos: The Action Lab

      Short recipe videos: P.A.N Corn / P.A.N. Maize (vastly underrated, yes every video is basically a corporate ad, but it’s not overbearing, and the titles are to the point recipe names with no “All you need is flour and water! Ready in 5 minutes! Grandma taught me this secret!” nonsense. (I’m turned off from entire channels because half my brainpower goes to “spoiling” the clickbait title when they show up in my recommended feed.)

      1. NeonFireworks*

        Retro tech stuff fascinates me but I hadn’t got beyond LGR and 8-Bit Guy so I’m now happily exploring the rest!

    14. Accidental Itinerant Teacher*

      Jago Hazzard- history the railway and underground, mostly focusing on London

      Defunctland, Yesterworld Entertainment, and Expedition Theme Park- theme park history channels, often focusing on rides that no longer operate

      Lockpicking Lawyer- a guy picks locks. I find it incredibly soothing

      And seconding How to Cook That, I find her channel really fun

    15. Falling Diphthong*

      PBS Space Time. Most are about 15 minutes, aka one session on the exercise bike at the gym.

      I particularly recommend the one about the Silurian hypothesis, which asks how we would know if there was a civilization way before ours.

      I also like Great Art Explained, for a deep dive into the background of great paintings.

    16. ecnaseener*

      Seconding the recs above for Baumgartner Restoration and PBS Spacetime.

      I’ll also add some that I don’t think I see above:

      Jet Lag: The Game (travel-based game show, each season is a different game in a different location/s),

      Stand-Up Maths (fun math stuff),

      Simone Giertz (makes bizarre engineering projects, you may have seen some of her “shitty robots” series but she also builds stuff that actually works),

      The Slo Mo Guys (various explosions and things in slo mo — but like also the guys setting up and talking and stuff, not just slo mo footage)

    17. Wordnerd*

      Defunctland for excellent Disney/theme park history documentary style videos. Jenny Nicholson for more vlog, less documentary style stuff, but similar themes.
      Game Maker’s Toolkit for video game analysis/design.
      Playframe and TheGoodDave for Let’s Plays of video games.
      Passion of the Nerd for Buffy/Angel long-form analysis videos.
      Matt Baume for analysis/history of queer history in movies/tv.
      Seconding Simone Giertz from someone earlier.

    18. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Dr. Glaucomflecken — he plays almost all of the roles of doctors in different specialties himself, and he’s very funny.

    19. JosievWhales*

      Aurikaterina (Finland) and Midwest Magic Cleaning (US). They do extreme cleaning of hoarder houses, usually people who have mental health issues. They do this for free.

    1. Llama face!*

      I’m leaving topics open because I’d love to expand my horizons (and maybe other folks are interested in whatever I’m not).

    2. Shutterdoula*

      Depends on the kind of media and my needs. Can you be more specific? Are you looking to become a content creator or something?

      1. Rain*

        Sorry, this was a nesting fail. I was replying to the content above, asking for YouTube recommendations.

  47. Hatchet*

    Looking for recommendations and/or tips to find an appraiser and home inspector when we aren’t ready to sell. (Aside from Google reviews, Next Door, and Yelp, which are all certainly good defaults.)
    The house is paid off, so we can ask the bank for recommendations, but don’t have to use who they suggest. We really aren’t ready to reach out to a relator to get inspector recommendations. Any thing in particular we should be looking for as we start our search? Thanks!

    1. Clisby*

      I’ve heard of a seller ordering an appraisal, but at least in the states where I’ve bought a house (Georgia and SC) that’s not really expected. The buyer’s financer (bank, mortgage company, etc.) orders an appraisal. Now, they might accept one paid for by the seller but they might not.

  48. Couches for short people*

    I am looking for a new couch! But I am very short (4’11”). I know my feet will never touch the ground but there are couches where I won’t need 5 pillows for them to touch the ground. I’d appreciate hearing from people who might have any couches that worked for them!

    1. Annie*

      I stopped caring about ability to sit like a normal person and just sit criss-cross applesauce or with knees to chest on my couch. Just a workaround before you get a new one.

      1. WellRed*

        Sitting that way right now! I had no idea do many people like to sit on a couch with feet on the floor.

        1. Unkempt Flatware*

          I can’t imagine feeling comfortable that way. How interesting. But then again, I can’t understand back-sleeping either.

    2. Accidental Itinerant Teacher*

      Completely opposite from what you’re looking for as we were actively searching for a deep couch, but did find some useful info:
      A number of the major brands and furniture stores do have the option to sort the furniture by “depth” on their websites
      (I think LazyBoy and Star Furnitur had that option, probably others as well)

      We wound up going with Couch Potatoes as they offered semi-custom at reasonable prices but I think they’re fairly local so they may not be an option depending on where you’re at.

    4. Jay*

      I haunted garage sales and consignment shops for several years before I found my current (very, very low) couch. I’m shorter than average, by a fair bit, and, even for a person my size, my legs are short and stumpy. Even with the thick foam pad I put on it my feet touch the floor with a good couple of inches of extra bend in my knees.
      It isn’t the prettiest couch ever, but it’s comfortable for me to sit on, which is more than I can say for bigger, fancier ones.
      So, if you don’t mind it not being part of a set, or if it isn’t the fanciest one ever, you might want to try that. The consignment shops, in particular, were nice and featured some really decent furniture at decent prices.

    5. Maryn*

      Mid-price and better furniture stores know about this issue and have couches that are not only different heights from the floor to the seat but different depths from the front edge to the couch’s back. Visit a good store and let a sales person direct you to couch options that will actually fit you.

      The couch’s main user should be able to sit with both feet on the ground while their back is supported by the couch’s back–unless they want to sit in some other way.

      1. jm*

        My Lazy Boy couch had several specific dimensions. I ordered the deeper seat so the big guy could comfortably sleep on it and now discovered my thigh length doesn’t sit quite right. So various measurements are important

    6. Ouchienonymous*

      Boy, if anyone has an answer to this one that would be great to know. I have started to look into vintage settees because they seem built lower to the ground in general, but haven’t pulled the trigger on anything yet.

    7. Shutterdoula*

      I feel like all the couches at IKEA are uncomfortably short, like children’s furniture, and I’m only 5’9″

      1. Anono-me*

        This. I love the look of so much furniture at ikea, but can’t comfortably sit on it.

        If the legs are screw in type, you may be able to get shorter ones at someplace like Menards or Lowes and switch them out. Check the screw size first. (You will probably need to paint or stain them first. )

        1. Biscuit*

          If the legs are screw in, and wood, you can take them to a hardware store and have them saw off a few inches. (Or do it yourself if you have a saw.) Put felt pads on the bottom and screw the legs back in and you’re all set! I did this because the sofa I bought was slightly too tall to fit under my windows with enough room to swing the shutters open over the sofa back.

    8. Anon57*

      I’m 5’5″ and got a Southern Motion brand couch last yr. it is the Top Gun model I believe. It’s not too deep of a seat, so my feet touch the ground.

  49. Headbands*

    I remember someone asking a long long time ago for recommendations of headbands that stay very securely on your head. I am looking to use them for working out and there’s a lot of jumping involved. Doesn’t need to do anything fancy with sweat. thank you!

  50. Ali + Nino*

    OK, strictly hypothetical question, but I still don’t have an answer: “Once a cheater, always a cheater” – agree or disagree, and why?

    1. Maggie*

      I disagree, because people actually do change and act different under different circumstances. I’ve cheated on someone in the past and I’m not going to defend that behavior but I have changed and I have never and would never do that again. I’ve also had open conversations with people who’ve cheated before and it’s not something they want to do again. I do think there are people who are serial or compulsive cheaters though, and they may be a lot less likely to change.

    2. Not A Manager*

      Disagree. Some cheating happens because the person is a chronic cheater, but some cheating happens as part of a complicated relationship system. In a different kind of system, the person might well never cheat. I have seen this happen.

    3. The Dude Abides*

      I think people can and do change, but I’d be wary.

      A phrase I like to use for the third wheel is “it’s a short distance from cheated with to cheated on.”

    4. Still*

      Well, empirically, there are people out there who only cheated once and never again. So if we take the statement at face value, it’s false.

      But I don’t think it’s unreasonable to be wary of starting/continuing a relationship with someone who has cheated, and in order to consider it, I would need to a) care very much about the person and b) really talk through and understand what has caused it in the past and whether it’s likely to happen again. And they would probably get less benefit of the doubt in the future.

      1. allathian*

        Yes, this. Sometimes the cheating is just a wake up call that a couple needs to work through their relationship issues. But it only works if both parties are willing to do the work. But it’s the sort of betrayal that I’m not sure I’d even want to forgive. I’m certain I wouldn’t be willing to forget.

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          I think what often breaks the relationship is the lying that surrounds the cheating. If your partner actually believed you about needing to work late, then it’s hard to trust you in the future.

          I’ve also seen cheaters get caught, confess to only what they think the partner knows while swearing up and down it was only that time, and then discover the cheated on person knows about the other times. So it’s a cascade of “Okay, I lied when I said I’d been honest. But now I really am being honest! Oops, you know about Alex too? Okay, yeah, but now I’m being honest…”

    5. Anonymous for this one*

      When I was in college and a little bit after, I had all kinds of justifications about why it was okay to cheat on someone I was in a relationship with. One time it was me doing the cheating (meaning once before I broke up with someone) and other times I was the person whom the cheating person was doing it with as a fling. I eventually worked on myself, identified why I had done that, matured, and stopped.

      I think context matters. Me just having just reached adulthood and having some unhealthy perspectives on it is a far cry from me decades later. Yes, I changed and I can see others doing that also. Someone cheating on their spouse for years in their 40s? I don’t see that person changing.

    6. LostNotFound*

      I disagree, but I do think once a cheater, always potentially a cheater. They’ve shown they have the capacity to do it, and thus the risk appears higher (though of course in practice it may not be, but this is about emotions and perception) and so it’s smart to be aware.

    7. TrudiG*

      I do think the risk of “reoffending” is significant with someone who has cheated before, but of course individuals can change, context matters etc. It’s just that it’s really easy to use those arguments to reason away the risk and then people get hurt when it turns out the person who cheated to be with them turned around and cheated on them, and all the “their marriage was over, they just stayed together so long for the sake of the kids, they weren’t even sleeping together blah blah blah” they told themselves to justify the relationship in the first place didn’t save them. Just as an example I’ve had to listen to from friends more than once, sigh.

    8. Falling Diphthong*

      As a universal, no. Some people will cheat once, resolve whatever underlying stuff led to the cheating, and be different going forward from some life inflection point. This holds for other forms of bad behavior, too. Or good, for that matter.

      As a general rule, though, “Expect people to continue behaving like they have been” is our default for dealing with other people for good reason. Or dealing with ourselves.

    9. Falling Diphthong*

      One thing I’ve observed is that demisexuals (who need to know someone first before sexual attraction kicks in) can pair bond, assume that they are set now, and go along for years until Bam! They are attracted to someone else. And then there’s a lot of justifying about how the universe wouldn’t give them this feeling if the universe weren’t sending a special message directly to them about how This Is Fated. Whereas people who feel sexual attraction more easily are better practiced at “This person is hot, but I am not messing up my relationship.”

      Recognizing the capacity within oneself to do something Bad can be helpful in avoiding doing that. If you aren’t normally tempted, then you don’t have practice in resisting that temptation.

    10. Ellis Bell*

      I think that phrase is aimed at affair partners rather than the cheaters themselves. You can change yourself, but you can’t change some one else and it’s common for people who get entangled with a cheater for it to start with complaints about the betrayed person and for them to sell it as “I’ll be different with you”. If you’re the cheater there’s a bunch of things you can do to change, but it starts well short of “don’t sleep with other people”. I used a great marriage counsellor back in the day who was an infidelity specialist (he actually helped a lot of cheaters reform, but he would say it was more common for people to pretend to reform than to do the actual work). One of his biggest theories was that kids pick up infidelity habits from parents, especially if the affair is glossed over and hidden. The way this happens is a kid is put into the situation of keeping secrets or hiding things that will upset the honest parent (“don’t tell dad I was smoking” or “Mum doesn’t like me being friends with Jill”) and they are actively taught that to make ourselves happy, we have to lie to people and hide our actions. He looked into this because infidelity ran rife in his own family, and I think these traits are definitely easier and earlier to spot in everyday actions rather than waiting for an actual affair to happen. Is the reformed cheater okay with talking through a conflict honestly, or with facing the music when they’ve made a mistake? For one thing, do they still hide that the old affair happened to save face? Do they go into situations with joint approval, or do they hide decisions so they can do what they want unilaterally? Do they have difficult conversations when they’re unhappy in the relationship or do they go off looking for distractions instead? Are they emotionally strong enough to leave if they want to? These are habits that are hard, but not impossible to break.

    11. Rain*

      I tend to think more along the lines of “twice a cheater, likely always a cheater’.

      I feel like one time could potentially be an accident that never happens again but twice is the beginning of a pattern ..

    13. RagingADHD*

      I don’t know about “always,” but people don’t break unhealthy or harmful behavior patterns without self examination and a serious intention to change.

      So I’d say that if a cheater justifies their choices, or spins the truth to make themselves look better, or isn’t honest about other things in the relationship – that’s someone who isn’t really done cheating.

    14. Jay (no, the other one)*

      The only absolute is that there are no absolutes. Some people really do cheat once, realize it makes them anxious and miserable, and never do it again. People can change their habits. They have to want to for their own reasons (see old joke about lightbulb), not to please someone else. So the one-time cheater above doesn’t do it again because it makes *them* miserable. A serial cheater has to have an experience equivalent to hitting bottom for an addict and they have to do the kind of deep personal work similar to that involved in getting sober.

      My husband and I hit a turning point in our marriage where I needed him to change or I was going to leave. I didn’t say it to try and change his behavior – I said it to save my own sanity. We’d wrangled about that issue on and off for decades. He did change – not because I threatened to leave but because he realized *he* was desperately unhappy and didn’t want to live that way anymore. It can happen. It’s hard and painful and not everyone can do it.

    16. Ricotta*

      I fundamentally disagree with the entire premise. What it’s actually asking is “Will you do this to me? Because it’s only okay if you did it to someone who isn’t me, and won’t repeat the behavior.” I’m not interested in being with someone who would have ever done that. People can learn and grow and change, yes, but there are essential building blocks that are non-negotiable.

    17. Unkempt Flatware*

      Totally disagree. Just like with any mistake, it’s very possible and quite common to learn and grow. However, I know several serial cheaters. They are just selfish humans who lack integrity and ethics. They cheat in life in many other ways as well. I have cheated (just once) and I chalk it up to being quite young and wet behind the ears.

    18. Peanut Hamper*

      Whether it’s true or not, as someone who has been on the other end of this, it’s the trust that is almost impossible. We managed to become friendly again, but the trust was just broken.

    19. Angstrom*

      I keep coming back to Esther Perel’s “Most affairs are not about wanting to be with someone else. They are about wanting to be someone else.”

      Are they fundementally same person they were?

    20. Anon for this*

      I was cheated on and it ended my long-term relationship. I was angry and dismayed at the betrayal. Still, I don’t think my ex would necessarily ever cheat again. Our relationship was in a death spiral and should have ended years earlier. I think lots of decent, otherwise loyal people might cheat in such a situation.

      It’s different to a serial philanderer.

      1. Anon for this*

        I will say, that if my ex had wanted to work on our relationship I would have given him another chance. If he had decided his head was back in the game I think he would not have cheated again, or continued to cheat with his affair partner. I think after cheating once, he would have been able to tell me he wanted out before he cheated again. I also think that he is unlikely to cheat again if he decides he wants out of future relationships. He knew he’d hurt me and he was not proud of what he’d done, and I don’t think he’d put himself in that position again.

        That being said, I don’t think I’d knowingly get into a relationship with someone who’d cheated recently. I’m middle-aged and I’d be ok with someone who’d cheated in their teens or early 20s, but past a certain age I’d be suspicious. Still, it would depend on the circumstances and the person.

  51. SuprisinglyADHD*

    I could use some body positivity advice. I’ve recently (last 8 months) gained some weight, which I’m happy about; I’m “average sized” for the first time in my life! But it happened rather quickly, and I’m struggling with two things:
    1) My favorite summer clothes don’t fit anymore and I’m bummed, some of them I only got to wear a couple of times and one dress not at all.
    2) I have red stretch marks on my thighs and breasts. I’ve never thought twice about stretch marks on other people but for some reason, on me I don’t like them.

    Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can think about my own stretch marks and start to get used to them? I’ve had a lot of success with positive thoughts over the years overcoming some of my self-image issues but I can’t think of any phrases/ideas I can use to frame this in a positive light to myself. I don’t actually care what other people think, but I haven’t been able to come up with happy thoughts about my stretch marks specifically, I’m actually pretty happy with the weight.

    Also, how can I be happy about not fitting my favorite outfits/dresses? I’ve gotten a few new things that I like but I’m sad at my favorites not being available anymore, I usually wear things till they wear out. And I HATE shopping for clothes, every item that I have was a struggle to find and fit due to my proportions and texture issues, so I can’t even look forward to picking new stuff.

    I need happy ways to think about these, and I just can’t find them. Which sucks, because I’m not displeased about the actual weight gain or my appearance to others. I know this is pretty minor compared to some of the body image issues others struggle with. And I’m really surprised to be dealing with this because the weight gain is something I both kind of hoped would happen eventually, and was almost certain WOULD happen eventually. But the loss of my favorite outfits and red stretch marks are very disconcerting. Does anyone have any advice for me?

    1. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

      I don’t think you have to be positive about everything. It’s a bummer about your lovely clothes. I’d recommend acknowledging the sadness and saying goodbye to your favorite things, and then moving on. Maybe a nice little emotional wallow while you sort through any that are worth keeping and donate/sell/give away the rest.

      The stretch marks will fade with time. I have some on my hips that started out pink and turned a silvery color very close to my skin. I wouldn’t choose to have them, but honestly they don’t look bad at all. Rather a pretty texture, just not want I want on my skin. Yours will do the same. I’m sure there are lotions and potions to speed it up, but somebody else will have to advise you on those, since I am clueless.

      1. SuprisinglyADHD*

        Thank you! I can actually look forward to them possibly turning silvery, I find that attractive on other people.
        I always did have a hard time saying goodbye to my favorite clothes, I put a lot of effort over the years into finding a wardrobe I feel comfortable in. It’s something I can work on!

    2. Maggie*

      You don’t really have to be happy about those things? I’m not happy about having stretch marks, I’m not mad about it either. I don’t love it but it’s just life and what it is. It helps me more to just be neutral and accept it than try to be happy about it. They also will fade out significantly over time and you can put scar cream or shea butter and vitamin e oil on then to soothe them so they don’t look red and irritated. Same with clothes. I actually need to get some bigger clothes and I’m not happy or mad, it’s just something I practically need to do to keep living my life effectively.

      1. SuprisinglyADHD*

        I’ve spent a lot of time working on body neutrality, I had some very unhealthy thought patterns growing up. I guess I’m taken aback because I’ve never had those issues with my own self-image, only how I was taught to judge others. I guess including myself in the thought patterns I’ve been teaching myself is something I have to work on… Thank you!

        1. Maggie*

          It can be pretty darn hard! And don’t feel like you’ve somehow failed at body positivity if you are bummed you need new clothes or if you buy some stretch mark cream.

    3. Still*

      I second the idea that you don’t need to be happy about everything and that neutral might be more achievable.

      It sounds like you’re happy about your new body weight, so if you need positive mantras, I’d focus on gratitude for the change, and for your skin fulfilling its function, along the lines of , “my body has finally gained some weight and my skin has been working so hard to keep up; thank you, skin, for adjusting to this quick change: it must have been hard to get stretched like that all of sudden! You look different now but I still love you and appreciate you, thank you for protecting me.” (It sounds silly and cheesy when I write it out like this, but I’ve had good luck with personifying my body and giving it credit for getting me through hard times.)

      Or, for the clothes: “I’m grateful that I was able to find these clothes, even though shopping is hard for me. Now I’m onto my next chapter and I’m sad that I can’t take them with me, but my healthy body is more important to me than my clothes. I wish they could fit my body at its current size, but it’s a worthy trade-off and I would not want to lose weight just to be able to wear these clothes again. Sometimes positive changes come with sacrifices, and I’m sad about this one but I know it’s completely worth it.”

      Something that has helped me to accept changes in my body is just looking at a lot of pictures of people with the body feature I’m worried about. The goal is not to love it, it’s for the brain to get so bored that it just becomes desensitized. Even if I actually find some of the images slightly off-putting (the internet isn’t always known for the most tasteful pictures), it doesn’t matter: in the following days, I find myself caring less about the feature, because it’s become more normalised in my brain. So if I were you, I’d find lots of pictures of people with stretch marks and just go through them till I’m completely bored.

      1. SuprisinglyADHD*

        Talking to parts of myself in the third person is actually a helpful coping method I’ve used in the past, that’s a good idea! I’ve been struggling to figure out how to word it, and your suggestions are really helpful, thank you!

    4. tab*

      I remember reading a novel years ago where the protagonist was thinking of her scars from stretch marks to surgical incisions reminded her of how full her life was, and she looked on them fondly. At the time I couldn’t even imagine feeling good about any scars. Now that I’m approaching 70, and have both stretch marks and scars from multiple surgeries, I feel the same way that the protagonist did! I feel lucky to have lived this long and survived so much. I’ve earned every scar, gray hair, and age spot! Maybe you’re too young to feel this way now, but I think you might in the future… And congratulations on getting to a healthy weight!

      1. SuprisinglyADHD*

        Thank you for sharing your experience, it’s really comforting to me! I’ve actually spent a lot of time already preparing myself for getting older and setting reasonable expectations for myself, I think I’m just taken aback because this was so sudden for me, I haven’t had time to get used to it yet, unlike other changes I’ve had over the years (I stopped a high-impact sport over a decade ago, but I still have effects from it). And thank you, I was pleasantly surprised to find out I’ve made it to “average” because I never really set myself a weight goal or kept track of my weight, just kept living as healthily as I can.

    5. :)*

      Congratulations on your weight gain!!! That’s awesome!!! For the red stretch marks, they may fade with time. I had bright red stretch marks all over for a couple years but some have since faded to white. If they don’t, and the usual stretch mark positivity ideas aren’t cutting it for you (tiger stripes, marks of lighting gifted by Thor, racing stripes/decoration, etc.) might I suggest trying to think of them as a little more neutral? Eg. bodies have stretch marks because they grow. These ones are signposts that your body has grown in a way that is beneficial to you, which is nice. Additionally, looking at people with stretch marks, like noticing them while out and about/people who model on instagram and stuff has helped normalize them for me as part of human experience. For me, contextualizing them as something lots of people (including me, as I am a people!) have helped to make my negative feelings about them chill out a bit and observe them as a neutral or even sometimes cute feature of my body.

      Just a thought—it may be possible for you to alter some of your lovely summer clothes to fit once more—of course that’s not an avenue available to everyone but I’m putting that out there just in case. If you like to dress in a more feminine way, I would also like to recommend Maya Kern’s store. She has amaaazing skirts with all sorts of designs, and they are having big sales right now! The sizing is pretty accurate, as long as you take your own measurements, and I’ve found them to be size inclusive which is nice.

      1. SuprisinglyADHD*

        “(including me, as I am a people!)” I really like this phrase, it’s a concept I definitely need to work on apparently! I spent years un-teaching myself some very judgemental and harmful thought patterns about others, so it’s a bit of a hurtful surprise to have them suddenly appear again but about myself this time…
        I actually JUST bought myself some of Maya Kern’s skirts after wanting them for over a year! The loss of several of my dresses and their sale combined to make it the perfect time! I love them, and when more patterns come back in stock in my size, I’m definitely gonna get more. I even got a miniskirt for the first time ever (it was 7 bucks with the sale and my favorite pattern didn’t have the midi- version in stock anymore). I was worried I’d still feel uncomfortable showing so much skin in public, but I wore it out with my friends and really liked it! I’ll probably mostly stick to midi skirts because I like how they swish at my knees but I was happy to be much less self-conscious than I expected. Also I can feel like Miss Frizzle in them which is a huge bonus in my book!

        1. :)*

          YES!!!! THE MISS FRIZZLE LIFE!!! I’m so excited that someone else has heard of her haha this made my day!!! I am a huge fan of her designs and also took advantage of the sale (I live in a rainy place and love cats so that design was made for me…)—I hope that we can both live our best Miss Frizzle lives with swishy skirts that make us feel good in our bodies as time goes by!

          I totally hear you on unlearning biases wrt other people but then realizing that you also have to apply the unlearning to yourself. It is a Very Rude surprise indeed, and hard work, but it’s good work. I’m proud of both of us for doing that. We are indeed also a people! :) Best wishes for this transitional period in your life! (Also I was just diagnosed with ADHD so I’m feeling some kinship with your username lol)

          1. SuprisinglyADHD*

            Thank you, and best of luck with your new diagnosis as well, it can be easier to find ways to cope once you have words to describe the issue

    6. Mystery*

      In terms of the favourite outfits:
      – if any are well known brands, search the website and see if you can reorder but a size up.
      – see what a local seamstress can do to make unique pieces fit.

      1. Reba*

        More than once I have repurchased beloved items in new sizes off of Poshmark and eBay. I set alerts for them. And this also helped me sell and let go of no longer fitting clothes, that if they are in good condition, someone else will really appreciate them!

      2. SuprisinglyADHD*

        These are both good ideas. I’ve been hoping to find a good seamstress to repair a favorite coat so I could ask about altering about some other clothing when I find one. It didn’t occur to me to look for replacements online, which is weird because I’ve done that in the past when a favorite garment wore out. Thank you!

    7. Morning Reading*

      I will echo Tab and recommend reframing, if you can, the marks as wisdom/experience/growth reflected in your body. In discussions of tattoos, which are not my thing, people often say they got a tattoo to commemorate something or someone important their lives. I tend to feel I don’t need tattoos because I have all the scars and marks from my life already marking many of these occasions. My marks aren’t as attractive as well-designed tattoos but they work the same, for me.
      The stretch marks will fade in time (become paler than the rest of your skin instead of red, in my experience) but if you still don’t like them, maybe you could incorporate into a tattoo design later?

      1. SuprisinglyADHD*

        Hmm, I don’t think I’ll ever be brave enough for a tattoo (needle phobia), but I can certainly think of them as marking a nice change in my life. Thank you! Also, I’m happy that several people here said they might become pale/silvery, I actually think that’s attractive and would feel much better if that did happen in the future.

    8. Panda (she/her)*

      I recently went through a significant weight gain while dealing with some mental health challenges, and went up several sizes in clothes. While it was necessary for my mental health, it was not wanted and does put me in the “overweight” category…(although weight categories are generally BS anyways).
      I would suggest following Jesse Kneeland and Kate Solovieva, both of who have social media feeds, weekly newsletters and podcasts that focus on body acceptance/body neutrality and such – very much focused on allowing you to feel how you feel and supporting you in finding peace with your feelings about your body. Jesse also has a coaching group and a number of courses if you want to dive in a little deeper into their materials, but you can also get a lot from their free content.

      1. SuprisinglyADHD*

        Thank you for the suggestions, I’ve never heard of either of them and will check them out!

    9. ronda*

      about shopping..

      I hate it. I have a friend who loves it, so she picks out things for me to try on and I just yes or no it.
      Do you have someone who might fit this?

      1. SuprisinglyADHD*

        Unfortunately, the people I used to do that with haven’t been able to make free time for that, although I could ask again and see if we can schedule something.

    10. Ellis Bell*

      I definitely react the same way when changes happen to my body. Like, even when you want the change long term, or are expecting it to happen it still feels like someone pranked you overnight without your permission. I wanted to fill out, but I didn’t like the stretch marks (They fade! I don’t see them anymore). I thought my mother’s eye wrinkles were so friendly and cute, but I didn’t like it when they showed up on me (again, I don’t even see them now. I look great, actually). The reaction I have always reminds me of little kids who freak out when their parents dye their hair or does something drastic to their appearance. I think we like to look at ourselves and feel familiar and recognisable. The good news is that you do get used to the change. Also, it sucks about your favourite outfits and dresses (any chance the same items are still available in a different size?) but your wardrobe will definitely catch up eventually, even if it happens slowly.

    11. Mighty K*

      I’ve had some success using second hand clothes sites to buy the exact same item in my new size (both bigger and smaller on different occasions – at one point I had the same suit jacket and trousers set in 3 different sizes….)
      It’s a big win because you know you like it, second hand can be inexpensive, and you’re keeping clothing out of landfill!

    1. Unkempt Flatware*

      I’m cis-gendered female which matters in how I answer. I’ve done them all. Honestly, they are pretty much the same except for the user interface. Bumble makes the woman make the first move which allows for a better experience. But when you’re on the lesbian side of Bumble, I always wonder how it decides which woman is assigned the first move. Anyway, I noticed that the same people are on all the sites. When I quit one and go to the other, there’s always some awkward matches with people I ignored in the last app. I met my current partner over 5 years ago on OkCupid. I think we both paid for that one. I liked it because it let you fill out a pretty extensive questionnaire. I remember liking my current partner because of how he answered the questions. You may think Tinder is only for getting laid but I’ve found those folks are on all the apps anyway so Tinder is just as viable for finding a real relationship if that is what you want.

    2. Generic Name*

      Don’t bother paying for anything. I met my husband on Bumble. The free version. I paid for a few months on match I think. I was 38. I put in a very specific age range, I think 45 was the max. I thoughtfully filled out my profile and uploaded nice photos. Almost immediately I got a message from a 50 something man with the most complainy and pathetic message about how he’d been on the apps for years and had gotten no responses and would I just have sex with him or something equally off-putting. I was so angry that I called customer service and asked for my account to be deleted and demanded a full refund. So not a great experience with match.

    3. Rain*

      LinkedIn.

      (I’m kidding, But I do know people who have reached out to people they barely know there to try and get a date.)

  53. Invisible fish*

    Okay, commentariat, I have a question that’s maybe more Captain Awkward’s domain, but I’d like some ideas from the smartest cookies in the bakery today.

    In short, I had decided that the next time one of my parents went off the rails, I was cutting the visit short and going home; it happened yesterday. I’ve been conditioned to manage everyone’s emotions after someone’s meltdown or blow up, then bring everything back to normal by being perky and pleasant; I’m the designated “fixer.”

    Well, I went home. I’m not fixing anything. I’m trying to just sit with my emotions and process this most recent drama. My question for you: what does one do when one is not the fixer anymore? Yes, that question is broad, because this is a brand new universe for me. Any thoughts or ideas welcome.

    1. strawberry lemonade*

      Oddly I’ve found that my impulse is to organize something or put it in order. After I witnessed a nasty DV incident a couple years ago—something I COULDN’T fix —I was so unsettled that I went to the grocery store, collected stray shopping carts from the parking lot, and neatened the cart return.

      You’ve taken control of your situation in a new way, but possibly you’ve also taken away your brain’s *habitual* way of feeling in control—smoothing things over. As a short term, try channeling that unsettled loss of control feeling into something that channels that.

      Exercise is a good one; you’re centering yourself and you control your body. Neatening your space, reorganizing. Helping someone or doing a favor.

    2. SuprisinglyADHD*

      For me, what I really needed was the liberation that came from realizing “it’s not my job anymore!!!” Mentally handing over a family members emotions to them like a giant knot of yarn and saying “you fix it, that’s a you problem, stop tying me up in it” (I didn’t literally say that to anyone, but that mindset in my head was a huge relief).
      The fact that you can put physical distance between you is helpful, being able to walk out and stop them from continuing directly AT you is very powerful. If you need to, block/mute phone numbers, text conversations, facebook or anywhere else that they’re demanding your attention right now. Do not engage, much like a toddler pitching a fit to get back a toy, they’re used to this behavior getting the results they want. When you decide you’re ready to engage again, see if you can have someone else read the messages/emails, listen to voicemails, etc without you there, delete anything particularly nasty (saving a copy elsewhere if you’re collecting evidence for something) and summarize things without you having to deal with the insults, rants, guilt, and angry tone. For example: “they’re sad you said [insert thing], angry you did [reasonable action], and want you to do [x,y,z] as an apology” lets you hear it with a lot more neutrality and less pain and takes a lot of the power away from everyone else.

    3. WellRed*

      Hmm, does one need to do…anything in that case? Removing yourself was a huge thing but that was the big thing, the important thing. What will help you decompress from the incident? Strawberry lemonade makes some good points/suggestions.

    4. Turtle Dove*

      I stopped being the family fixer/peacekeeper. It was gradual and took ages. My mantra is that the other adults in the family need to meet me halfway. I’ll invest that far in an adult relationship but no more. It helped the most to realize I hadn’t been showing myself enough respect. I’m just as entitled to my feelings and opinions as they (the family members I find challenging) are to theirs. And I need to have things my way sometimes too. As long as I’m kind, I’ve grown comfortable speaking up, saying no, and keeping my distance. I’m happy for you that you’re making this big change. In my experience it gets easier! Meanwhile, remind yourself why you’re changing and reinforce it with rewards — things like pats on the back, favorite hobbies, and soothing rituals.

      1. Shutterdoula*

        It’s much easier said than done, but Individual Fish, I promise it’s possible to get there.

    7. Sloanicota*

      It’s hard, but the usual advice is to pour that “fixing” energy into yourself instead of others. A lot of fixers are trying to distract themselves from their own problems – so much nicer and easier to see the flaws and needs in other people’s. So if you would usually soothe your family, what does it look like to soothe yourself? If you would usually problem solve, what are your own problems that need solving?

    8. Frankie Bergstein*

      I focused on my own life — career, building community, finally getting around to a lot of “life admin” paperwork, adopting pets, traveling. And I often had to remind myself that the decision I made hurt, it felt sad, but putting distance between myself and my family wasn’t sad. What was sad what that I had a family I had to distance myself from to be healthy.

    9. goddessoftransitory*

      That’s definitely a very good question! One of the many reasons people default to harmful patterns is that if they don’t do X, well, what ARE they supposed to be doing! It can feel like when Wile E. Coyote runs off the cliff and onto thin air.

      Be prepared for a LOT of pushback and effort to pull you back into “your place.” This is the equivalent of removing that one cornerstone that holds an entire structure in place and everyone else involved is going to feel just as bewildered as you, with the addition that they’ll probably feel like you’re doing this TO them, rather than for yourself.

      Remind yourself, over and over, that doing the right thing often doesn’t equal feeling good, especially at first. You aren’t wrong just because everything didn’t fall into better patterns immediately.

    10. fhqwhgads*

      What would you have been doing if you hadn’t gone over there at all yesterday? Do that now.

  54. Anono-me*

    I think that awhile back someone posted on here asking about ceiling fan light combos that screwed into regular light fixtures. Does anyone remember when that was? or have any feedback about how they work? (Gift idea for someone in an odd temporary housing situation)

    1. Unkempt Flatware*

      following because I have been intrigued by these. Are they real or some Temu crap? I want to try them in my bathroom because I live in Phoenix and it gets so hot in summer that even your tap delivers hot water only. It would be so nice to get out of the shower and feel a ceiling fan.

    2. jm*

      Comes up on Amazon with 4 stars $30 to $50 or at Menards. I would think it is worth a try

  55. Biscuit*

    If the legs are screw in, and wood, you can take them to a hardware store and have them saw off a few inches. (Or do it yourself if you have a saw.) Put felt pads on the bottom and screw the legs back in and you’re all set! I did this because the sofa I bought was slightly too tall to fit under my windows with enough room to swing the shutters open over the sofa back.

  56. The Dude Abides*

    I know it’s late, but fingers crossed someone out west can pitch in:

    Wife and I were looking at a menu for a higher-end restaurant, and she claims that their steaks were “normal-sized.” For reference, the cuts offered are

    8oz filet mignon
    14oz ribeye
    12oz NY strip
    10oz center cut top sirloin

    For me, these are snack-sized. I usually gravitate to the T-bone or porterhouse. If I go smaller, I’m likely still hungry after paying the bill, and I’m average-sized (5’7 160lb).

    1. California Dreamin’*

      I would say these are in the normal high end restaurant size range. A filet will almost always be 6 or 8 oz because that’s just the size of that cut. 14 oz is a pretty big or normal rib eye. NY strip will often be 16 oz but 14 oz is also common. A porterhouse in a high-end steak house is meant to be shared between at least two people, so they’re really big.
      My family loves steak. My 20-something son with a big appetite will put away a 16 oz strip steak in a restaurant, but honestly that’s a pretty huge steak. When I cook them at home I cut those in half, so a home portion would be closer to 8 oz.

      1. The Dude Abides*

        Gotcha – it was a higher-end restaurant menu we were looking at, and they didn’t offer anything bigger than 16oz.

        My go to at a “chain” steakhouse near me is a 22oz porterhouse and two sides of broccoli, so I figured my perspective would be skewed.

        My boss keeps needling me about eating at Fogo de Chao, saying I’d lose my shit.

        1. Clara Bowe*

          Ngl, you would have a good time @ Fogo.

          And my occasional birthday gift to myself is a full Chicago Style Porterhouse with two sides and an appetizer. Sometimes I just want STEAK and a whole lot of it.

  57. Layla Taylor*

    Dreamer’s Pool sounds fascinating! I’ve been diving into statistical analysis services lately for my research. It’s amazing how these services can enhance the quality and reliability of data in various fields, including literature analysis. By the way, if you’re into fantasy, have you tried reading ‘The Name of the Wind’ by Patrick Rothfuss? It’s another captivating read with intricate characters and an engaging plot. Any recommendations for books that use data or research as a plot device? for more information, plesae visit: https://www.journalpublisher.co.uk/statistical-analysis/

Comments are closed.